# Need Help Coping with Husband's Internet Interests...



## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Hi ~ I am totally new here and never really thought I would do anything like this. I am to a point though where I need someone's help, advise, opinions... please...

Ok, I have read over and over that "men are just that way" and "you need to deal with it" and "it doesn't mean anything, men just do it...." Until I am ready to vomit.

I had a very bad childhood and for that reason am very down on myself alot of the time. I don't see myself as beautiful or even close and always feel intimidated by other woman. Maybe having your mom tell you every day as a child that "you are not pretty. you will never have anyone truly love you" has something to do with that. 

Anyway, I did meet a man ~ we have been together now 20 yrs, married for 16. We have 4 beautiful children. 11 years ago I found him searching out beautiful close to naked woman on the internet. It wasn't a one time thing but day after day every time I was away.... It hurt so bad because I couldn't stop comparing myself to those woman ~ how could I ever compete? Why did he need to do that if he truly loved me as he said? How could he look at that and not feel he was being unfair to me? So I finally confronted him crying and begged him to stop. He agreed. I thought that was it.

Well, a few months ago, I learned I was wrong for believing him and it has actually graduated to mostly nude totally built gorgeous blondes (I'm a brunette) Large breasted, (I am not) Perfect woman............ he looks at them nonstop whenever he can get to a computer ~ or at least was until I again confronted him. Cried my eyes out. Felt so cheated on and lied to.... He promised once again. This time, I told him outright that "Maybe there are woman who will accept that sort of thing, but I can't. You knew that when you married me. And it will end our marriage if you don't stop because I cannot accept it." He again promised...............

I just found out last week that none of that mattered I guess cause he is at it again............. even after I said it could end our marriage... Yet tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how much he loves me....... I don't know how to deal with it. I feel like it is an affair. He has it all~ All the beautiful naked woman in the world at his finger tips that he doesn't need to satisfy, talk with, listen to, take care of... just enjoy them, and me to cook his meals, take care of his kids, clean his house and be here to yell at when his day is bad. I don't feel it is fair that when I am with one of our kids at the doctor's office, or buying groceries for the family, that he should be able to get excited by other woman on the internet. Then it makes me wonder? What does he think of when we make love? Is it me? Or is it the naked woman he googled that day? 

How do I accept it? I have 4 children ~~ I would never put them thru a divorce. I am not going to tell him I know again. What good would it do? How do I get by not thinking of it everyday? It makes me sick ~ I can't eat... He was the love of my life. After a horrible childhood I found him when we were both 19 and he swore he would never hurt me ~ intentionally anyway...... but he is. Augh! HELP! ADVICE????


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

It sounds like you have some self-esteem issues at the very least and if you haven't tried therapy to resolve that issue, you might consider doing so.

As for the looking at pictures, for most men, they are an obsession for some and it's all they think about and want to do...is it harmless? No, not if it's hurting the one you love and care about. Getting him to stop isn't an easy proposition...he may feel they are just pictures and doesn't understand how or why they make you feel the way they do...and it's probably not going to matter if you try and explain it...

Work on feeling better about who you are, feeling better about yourself and how you look...a good therapist can help you with that and a great one can make those pictures that you compare yourself to, a lesser issue.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Thank you for your reply. I am in tears just reading it. Yes, I have self esteem issues. I agree.... I want to feel better about myself, but it is hard when my husband is not searching "middle aged mothers of 4 children with no breast jobs or air brushing." ~~~ I do agree I need to talk with someone.... I will have to look into that. Just so sad that he doesn't seem to understand why it is a "big deal" as you stated. Thanks again!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

You can't compare yourself to the women on the internet, its a vicious cycle.

You could hit the gym hard to be a toned size 4, you could get breast implants, and could dye your hair platinum blonde, and he would still look at those pictures. 

It has nothing to do with you. 

Trust me, I'm the last person on the planet to say "its ok, its normal", because I don't believe its good for a marriage, but again, he is not "comparing" those women to you, he loves you for the woman you are. Its just a visual stimulating thing for him, men are visual creatures, period and that is a visual stimulation.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, most the mindset of most men is simply this, they are only pictures, almost as if they are not real...and they don't see why a woman would get upset especially when there is no cheating, they support you financially and are "there" for you. It's a very difficult thing for a man to grasp that women compare themselves to other women whether they are in pictures or walking down the street. 

Feeling like your husband or lover is making those comparisons only makes you feel worse about yourself if you perceive that woman or picture of a woman to be "better" than you.

From my perspective, yes, there are women who are prettier than my wife, who are smaller than my wife who are more intelligent, who make more money, the list is endless...as there are men who are all those things and more than I am as well. At the end of the day, we come home to each other and from that point on, we are the only two people in the world for each other...there is no one else.

It's hard for a lot of people to grasp that concept...it's like just coming home is enough...and it's not even close.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

I do understand "men are visual" but then be visual with the woman you comitted your life to ~ "for better for worse" and so on... no where in my vows was it said "for better for worse, forsaking all others, unless it is a beautiful naked perfect woman on the internet that just makes you feel stimulated when you look at her." ~ I honestly appreciate hearing from you men on this ~ I honestly do! It helps me some try to understand ~ and I do agree that no matter how much I worked out or what I looked like he would still do it. He did 11 years ago when I was a size 6 well dressed sexy professional woman and now, 4 kids later, when I am sad to say a size 10 stay at home mom ~~ well either way he felt it was important to look at all that................. I have very dark long brunette hair and the darkest biggest brown eyes ever and I have been trying to figure out, maybe if I could go blonde somehow, he would like that more? I have told him I would get a breast job tomorrow if he wanted ~ he tells me "no honey, you know I don't lilke that. I love you the way you are!" ~~ SERIOUSLY???? That is why you are searching big boobed blondes? See, as soon as I start to think maybe I can understand it... I can't. I feel disrespected, taken advantage of and yes, cheated on. Some men say it is cheating, some say I am crazy BUT he is able to type in exactly what he wants, see her naked or whatever he wants with no strings attached, enjoy the visual "Stimulation" and then walk away from the computer, tell me he loves me and go on with his life. He is happy, complete, seeing what he wants and I'm left hurt. Hard to look in the mirror anymore. See this stretch mark that baby number 1 gave me, this stretchmark that breastfeeding 4 babies gave me.... see my not so tight stomach that carrying 4 kids gave me and know that he not only didn't have to carry those babies, deliver them or go thru any of the pain ~ but yet he gets to enjoy them, still look the same and enjoy other naked woman behind my back or so he thinks :-(


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im sorry for what you're going through. im going through the same thing. my H also promised to stop looking at porn and i found it on his computer again and again. it is really, really painful. i never had self-esteem issues prior to all this. My H also tells me im beautiful, etc. that's a little hard to believe when i know im not the one he's 'really' thinking about. 

i know for a lot of people its just a 'guy thing' and they think i shoudl just get over it. whatever. until they've been in my shoes they have no idea how much it hurts. its not just a guy thing. its a painful, disrespectful thing. not all guys do it, and im really glad you recognize that its not something you can live with. i also had to come to the same realization.

i dont have kids so I was more then willing to walk away. I told my H he has to go to counseling and has to try to quit or else i will leave. ive stopped telling him he has to stop looking at porn. its an addiction. all i can ask is that he try. i dont snoop on him anymore. i believe he realizes how much it hurt me now, and i believe he really wants to quit, so if he slips up i only hope i can be more of a support in his struggles. of course that does not always happen. i have my own issues, too. but it helps him to know that im concerned about him and not just obsessed with how he is making me feel.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

HI Blanca,

Sorry to hear you are going thru this too.... but in a way, it is so nice to hear someone else speak of it ~ to know I am not alone...... It is not something I can bring up in conversation with an occasional person who stops to say Hi on the street, so it builds and builds in me.....

You are a good woman to stop looking and believe he has quit. I did that 11 years ago until too many things made me believe it was happening again and I checked it out. Seems even though I thought it quit, it went on the whole time and I was the idiot to believe him............... That was when I confronted him again and he promised............ that was in Sept. Now ~ here I am again. He even bookmarked a page, but changed the name a bit, thinking obviously that I am too dumb to think it was anything. Now, as I sit here on a computer I am supposed to work on everyday to help pay our bills and support our family, I know it is in the bookmarks~ when he needs it ~ it is already marked... :-( I hope you are right and yours has stopped. I pray there are men out there who do give that up for the woman they love............. I just know, mine is not one of them. No matter how much he looks me in the eye and tells me he loves only me ~~~ he is still spending his free time wanting them........................... makes me want to crash diet ~ not eat ~ can't eat~ too sick feeling ~ do something drastic to try to be as pretty as they are.......... but I know I never will be. Not sure that is what marriage is supposed to be. You are lucky to not have kids yet! Work all that out first! Make sure he is true to you! I wish you the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hopefully he is one who believes in change ~ believes you are worth giving that up!  I'm rooting for you!


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Here is another question I have? Does my husband doing this all the time mean he wants to cheat on me physically? Do I need to worry more that he will?????


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

123HELPME said:


> but it is hard when my husband is not searching "middle aged mothers of 4 children with no breast jobs or air brushing."


Sweetheart - surly you aren't speaking of *real* women - like my wife for instance? If she ever got a breast job, I swear I'd take 'em right back to the boob shop! There's nothing like a real woman with a lived-in body and the familiarity that goes with it.

May I ask you a question? How enthusiastic is he when he's in bed with *you*?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

123HELPME said:


> Here is another question I have? Does my husband doing this all the time mean he wants to cheat on me physically? Do I need to worry more that he will?????


No I don't believe there is any correlation at all. Cheaters cheat, porners watch porn. One does not have to lead to the other.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

thanks for rooting for me. lord knows i need it! i know what you mean about not being able to talk to anyone about it. i dont either. that's why this board is so therapeutic for me. there are a lot of women struggling with this. its like a silent killer. 

but i actually do not think my H has quit. i know he will slip up. I can certainly see myself in your shoes years down the road. that's awful that your H has a page book marked. i really feel for you. that would just kill me. i have a bit of a temper so i would probably smash the computer. no, not probably. I would. lol. its something im working on.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

He is great when we are in bed ~ better than in years past ~ seems to be very happy and wants to make me happy ~ but I the whole time and wondering "which one is he thinking of? the blonde on the car hood? Or the big breasted woman bent over the kitchen chair? or is he thinking of me? little plain not perfect me?" And sure, he tells me too, he "would hate fake boobs." ~ "that wouldn't turn him on at all!" YET every woman he is staring at online is far from being *real* ~ they are fantasy fake.... so does he carry that fantasy into our bed? even though he tells me he isn't?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Trust me, if he's that enthusiatic and "good" in bed with you, he's only thinking about you.

He isn't carrying that fantasy into the bedroom with you.

My honest opinion is he's a loving husband that very much loves his wife who has a porn issue that needs changed. Trust me, I'm not "sticking up" for him, what he's doing is wrong if only because it hurts you (and other reasons as well).

I can tell you though, as a guy, he's not thinking about anyone else while in bed with you.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i don't espouse the theory, but many men believe that viewing porn online is a 'victimless crime'. personally, and on more than one level, i just don't get that.

to paraphrase kurt vonnegut, oftentimes people justify having an affair by saying 'i don't love the other person' and 'it was just physical', but why can't we take the concept of love out of that equation and simply say, 'but you betrayed your best friend, you lied and broke a promise to your best friend'.

likewise, i think you should take internet pornography out of this equation just for a moment and understand you have a mate who has lied to you, betrayed you, has hurt you, and refuses to stop hurting you.

if a spouse behaves in a manner that truly offends and demeans the other, the spouse should immediately not only cease and desist, but want to cease and desist.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

123HELPME-

Let me tell you what's really going on. He is simply feeding his sexual appetite for fantasy. It says absolutly nothing about you whatsoever. You could be my favourite woman on "Desperate Housewives" - Teri hatcher - and still he would look at porn.

Honey, I don't want to upset you, but I have to tell you that from the way you are talking, it's not just your hubby that has an obsession... You are letting this get to you night and day. You are even thinking about it when you have sex with him. Now who's got an obsession?

Relax - in *Blanca's* case, her hubby was not very sexually interested in her, so her case is not the same as yours. Do you not find TV stars sexy? Ever? C'mon let's have your list  In fact... this might be worth a thread of it's own: TAM women's heart throbs...

Anyway, I'm not making light of your situation, I am just trying to tell you that when hubby says he loves you and he fancies you, he does appear to give every indication of meaning it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> it's not just your hubby that has an obsession... You are letting this get to you night and day. You are even thinking about it when you have sex with him. Now who's got an obsession?


So true. A few months ago i started to realize that i now had a problem. something that helped me was realizing that although his actions hurt, the dramatic effect it had on my self-worth had nothing to do with him. My worth was being effected, and that was my issue. Dont ignore the pain, because it is a part of you that needs healing, but do realize that the depth of the impact this has on your worth is something only you can fix.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> in *Blanca's* case, her hubby was not very sexually interested in her,


Not very! please MT... i was riding a bike with my H and i told him i hadnt gotten this much action in months!!! :rofl:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Not very! please MT... i was riding a bike with my H and i told him i hadnt gotten this much action in months!!! :rofl:


Hey, it's nice to get some humour form you on the subject  Are things improving?


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

wow~ cease and desist is hard when you have 4 young children who don't know what the word "divorce" even is~ and when you still love that person........... don't get me wrong, divorce has crossed my mind. He can be a very degrading type of husband when he wants to and likes to play some mind games, but I had always just dealt with that thinking, what relationship is perfect? He loves me and that is that~~~ but now with all these other "woman" if you will jumping into his life (oh yeah, I know he has done it all along...) but now that I see it, know it is well active again, it is making me cold ~ making me not accept his compliments the way I used to, making me question his every thought, feeling, word........................... I am telling you ~ IF i were spending my time searching out close to or totally naked men on the internet and he found out, I think it would hurt him. BUT he tells me it wouldn't. It wouldn't matter to him. That only leads me to believe he doesn't really care even more. AUgh. The difference between how men and woman think ~~~ sometimes I wonder why we were even paired up to start with? Supposidly it is "Ok, cause that is just how a man is?" REALLY? I can't make myself understand it....................................... and yes, he thinks it is "victimless" ~ the last time I questioned him about it, I was shaking, crying, hadn't eaten in 3 days, told him I could not live my life that way, playing second best to all these beautiful woman~ trying to compete with people that aren't even real" He said "oh, sorry I hurt you. Not sorry I did it, just sorry it hurt you. I won't do it anymore. But really, it isn't a big deal." ~~~ Hmmmmmmmmmmm... I should have known then he wasn't really sorry, didn't really take me serious, didn't really care that he hurt me............................


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

I do find a man here or there on tv attractive but it is usually because they have beautiful eyes, a nice smile or seem to be a very caring character. It is not because I have seen them in nothing but a g-string with their everything exposed. I don't want to see that and wouldn't do that to my husband ~ I am not that type of person....... AND just so you know, I do get compared to Terri Hatcher alot and my husband is still searching out Pamela Anderson! ~~ However ~ I know, again it is the same "he is just a man acting on his sexual feelings...." hmmmmmmmm.... why for 20 years have I devoted any sexual feeling I may have to only the father of my children????????????? I ask myself that? Now, you are right, maybe I am obsessed. Maybe I messed up and should be the one searching for that naked man that makes me feel better.....


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

and oh my, yes, my hubby wants it 7 days a week to be honest, but what guy wouldn't after looking at naked woman over and over? Should I feel special that he comes to me to finish it at least? not sure...................


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

sorry ~ now I am going from hurt to angry. Maybe I just need to deal with this on my own somehow. I just honestly think my end answer will be "too bad. he is not really doing anything wrong. except him getting turned on by other woman or uproot your 4 children and move out to spend your life lonley." boy ~ great choices!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

its good that you are venting. i was really angry when i first came on here, too. and i still have my moments, but its a good place to let it out. its the only way to heal.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Internet porn can be very addictive, as can chatrooms, cybersexing, and even marriage forums. From what I have read, it sounds like hubby just likes to sexually fantasize, and it is perfectly normal. If he is still supporting you and the kids, it seems a lot less a problem than a real life affair. 

Find a sex site that you can view together. I really hope you can get over the anger and start trusting your husband again.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you're right; men and women do think differently. but that is part of what makes a good reletionship really good.

but you do have common ground on which you and your husband can meet.

surely he doesn't want to lie to you, hurt you, or cause you to feel physically inadequate.

maybe he really just doesn't 'get it' yet.

and i don't think your low self-esteem is a big part of this problem. as a matter of fact, i see your low self esteem as further evidence that your husband doesn't 'get it'. he must know you have low self esteem and still he bahaves in a way that is particularly harmful to one with low self esteem.

neither divorce nor living with this problem are proper choices for you, if i may presume to offer advice.

you need to find a way for him to truly understand what he is doing to you, and then, if he is a good man, and you offer no evidence to the contrary, he will correct the situation for the betterment of his marriage and out of respect for you.

maybe the words need to come from a counselor.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

I don't know what to think. So because he is going to work, making money and paying the bills, his thoughts of having to constantly look at other naked woman should be accepted by me? I should think that is fine cause at least he is supporting us? Gosh. Can't see it. And he "doesn't really want to lie to me or hurt me?" ~~ If I don't want to hurt someone, I don't intentionally do something I know very well will hurt them. :-( I can go over it and over it and try to candy coat it, but in the end, my heart is hurt. Thanks though for everyone's input. I do appreciate the different ideas and opinions....


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

People,

Is this not natural, a male will look for younger and superior mates even though his herd is strong with many calves.

Geeeeez get off the high chairs, its natural to look now touch is a different world. The use of internet only makes it instantous not a magazine which was in the past.

Help, take a look from the other side, may indeed ignite the bedroom too.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

still not going for it ~~~ when he met me I said no magazines ~ no other woman. IF he can't look up to that, he should have found a different woman like you that was accepting of it. All the Looking that you say is natural and ok has lead me to believe he would touch if given the chance.... I don't want to "ignite things in the bedroom" because I accept him wanting to to look for a younger and superior mate. He is not a bull. Last I checked, he was a human being who said he loved me and wouldn't hurt me....


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Help,

If he loves you will not do such things, I can tell you I do indulge every once in a awhile. I am a ram looking at a great valley there is some young does grazing. I let out my great mating call, other makes know I am superior.

Well maybe not so much drama, but the effect is the same.

My wife is a beauty, with a Demi Moore still young appeal. Do you think looking a pics demeans her, she actually finds it funny.

You may seek to have him deny makehood, but will just do it more secretly. Why not out in the open, and dare to join him on the female looking at male side. It could prove helpful, and might end his lookings since the privacy is gone.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Well Ram  thanks again for your input. I still don't get it ~ and don't understand why your wife thinks it is ok, but I know many woman do... I have to think that while she is laughing at you when you do it, deep down inside it is hurting her at least a little to know you feel it necessary to look when you have someone like her right there.... And no, I will not join him in enjoying how other woman look naked. Not going to happen.... I am what I am ~ I am who he asked to be his wife and to me should be all he needs....... I will get thru this. Thanks.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Help,

No you look at men silly.

Yes, sounds like you have a loving marriage bravo to you guys.

Yes, no doubt you will.

Your friend.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

123Helpme, here are the options I see:

1. You ask him to stop or you will leave. He doesn't stop, so you leave. (I know, you said you didn't want to, but I'm just calling the options as I see them)

2. You ask him to stop or you will leave. He does stop, and life is good. 

3. You ask him to stop but he doesn't. You don't leave, and you are where you are now: unhappy.

4. You don't say anything further and you are where you are now: unhappy.

Are there other options I'm missing? You cannot make him do anything. You cannot make him NOT do anything. You can let him know how his actions affect you, and that's about all you can control. It sounds like he's addicted to it, because all the other things you said make it sound like he adores you just the way you are. I do think it's possible for him to look at porn and still love you for you. Because he prefers to look at blondes doesn't mean he wants to be with a blonde.

I hope you can get through to him how important this is to you. He needs to understand that, and I don't see him making any moves to change unless something is on the line for him.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

Sex.. Sexuality.. Desire.. Lust ...Passion.. Fantasy... ALL those things Belong to You and You alone!! There SUPPOSED TO BE Gods Gift For you & your Husband .. They dont belong to some Outsider! When we Marry its to 1 Person Period.. 

The Only thing that truly makes your Marriage a Diffrent Kind of Relationship than that of Family... Friends... Co Workers... Etc ...Is SEX!!! Take the Sex out of a couples relationship & You have Friends ..Not Married committed couples!! 

Think about it like this ....

People have all Kinds of wonderful relationships in there life we Love & worry and support & protect people we love.. Theres Our Parents & Our Kids & Our Siblings & Grandparents & Grandkids & cousins & Friends ETC.. and we have all these wonderful emotions memories and WE would DIE for these people in our lives.. we Love them & There the Same feelings we have for a mate ..spouse with One Big Exception that defines the entire Relationship .. Our desire and lust and passion of Sexuality and Sex itself Belongs to our Mates .. without it intact your spouse would mean no more or less than Family etc 

On the Same Note When Sex & Sexuality are the defining diffrence that even make a couple to begin with and that #1 person we are to cherish.. protect..be Faithful to Heart & Mind .. Body.. decides to view another sexually in any form of atmosphere.. They send the very hurtful message they No Longer need there mate for any thing special or significant..


Society has taught that Looking is Harmless ... Its Natural for a Guy to have a wandering eye .. and sadly NOT ALL But a Huge Majority of Men cash in on this society policy and use it to there advantage even after taking that Wonderful "I want to be faithful wedding VOW" Thats so sacred to them! When you said your wedding vows have no clause in them that include internet women you were 10000000000% Right theres no clause for any other woman period to be allowed to invade on your sexuality.. When you gave your husband your heart & BODY..

Thats ittttt.. thats the one he gets .. YOU & ONLY YOU Are entitled allowed to entice him!!! thats your marriage right before friends family & god that makes your relationship special .. HE HAS NO RIGHT REGARDLESS OF SOCIETY VIEWS TOO APPRECIATE.. OGLE.. BE IMPRESSED WITH ANOTHERS SEXUALITY .. Females are not cars and guns and guitars althought they love to combine them with those hobbies .. Naked Women shouldnt be a mans Hobby especially a committed man .. THERE Still "SKIN FLESH SEXUALITY IN YOUR FACE PERIOD " & when a man chooses to view look pursue seek out the sight of naked or might as well be naked sights and dream of the PHYSICAL of another female body in any sexual manner other than the one he took a vow to viewwwwwww love and cherish then... HE DOESNT DESERVE TO BE MARRIED!! kids or no kids.. dont teach your kids to settle for no self worth for themselves.. let them know they deserve better ...AS DO YOU!

When people tell you that you have low self esteem.. Thanks to your husband / Boyfriend yes tons of women carry the lowest feeling of self worth that most men will never know Because of them!!!!!! BECAUSE THEY MAKE COMMENTS LIKE " I love you & your so beautiful.. I wouldnt change a thing about you.. your all I want your Perfect Ooooh who likes superficial women and fake boobs.. not me Hunny!!" Its nothing to do with you men will say/ Just variety and means nothing .. so harmless ..Just looking 

Then Sadly.. Women WIVES & GIRLFRIENDS stumble across these Glimpses of what they STIMULATE themselves with & ??? IRONICALLY The women they have chose to view dont resemble there mates.. but How funny it is they resemble perfectly to a tee the very SUPERFICIAL FAKE BOOBS THEY Protest against... 

what a message to send your loved one .. that u only LOOK.. You need the view of another posed in sexuality for excitement & smiles.. joy ??? COMPLETE OPPOSITE women OF MOST WIFES.. are what is viewed .. and wifes / girlfriends are supposed to be Ok with this and better yet ... UNDERSTANDING..

ALL a woman is going to understand after discovering there mates drool favorites .. IS THAT SHE MUST BE UGLY.. Boobs & Ass are the worst .. she will examine her skin and hair and examine everything about herself til it makes her sick to be her ownself .. and people will send her to counceling and exspect her to do feel good things aout herself .. its all her own issue she created it.. funny thing is .. she saw all these beautiful images of women in her lifetime thruout life and they didnt insecure her and bring her down because they couldnt ., 

women are not insecure after looking at other womens pictures to the point of making themselfs sick before there married OR in a serious relationship.. sure women see pictures and think shes beautiful etc Wish I had her this and that ... but when your husband / mate wishes he had there this and that while HE HAS YOU Thats when Insecurity will destroy her.. when that SIGNIFICANT MAN INVITES THESE WOMEN INTO THERE LIFES BRINGS THEM INTO THIS SACRED RELATIONSHIP AS HIS SEXUAL DESIRE HIS FANTASIES..... FOR THERE PHYSICAL FORM ONLY SO DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY .. YEAH THATS SO CRUEL TO SAY TO SOMEONE YOU ARE COMMITTED TO.. DONT TAKE IT PERSOANNLY I JUST LOVVVVVVVVVVVVE TO VIEW HER BODY.. YOURS ISNT ENOUGH.. 

A man on a diffrent forum once posted the reason men subcribe to nude magazines... this is mans point of view thats supposed to comfort women >>>> women dream of the house they will never have & Are constantly trying to attain it thru viewing goodhousekeeping magazines But men dream of the wife they'll never have so we keep on dreaming thru magazines like playboy... 

Ughhhhhhhh!! All i know 123 Help is I feel really bad for you.. Its an almost unbearable sitiuation to be in when you are in love and I wish the best for you .. strange women posing in pictures are being treated better than you and its a cruel unfair world... Men wouldnt do well if it was reversed and women snuck off and drooled NAKED Men.. and then come told there mates your penis size is fine honey your perfect.. and then he discover welll then why are u viewing OVER AND OVER THE OPPOSITE ?? they should have to walk in the shoes they created for us to wear....

One last thing I want to add.. a very wise female told me Once..

" The Households that experience Pain & resentment over sexuality being taken for granted are True Love atmospheres even if one sided... The Household that has no issues with it being portrayed & are Ok with being replaced by others providing the sexuality are Settling"


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Gee,

That was the most gooby goop posting.

Remember the women on porn site in all likeyhood will be a wife one day. Then will be mothers, so who shall be he men that marry these women, are these men confident or weak.

Now the husband that looks, and the desire to have such a woman. It will never happen, and as such a normal husband knows and jokes this fact.

Remember a young doe, with a body to attact a superior mate will attract all. 

Its nature nothing more.

How about real life the #10 in the mall, the teen in the pool etc.

Really now.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Lavender~ Thank you so much! You said ALL OF what I am feeling... and it is not goopy poopy at all. ~~ I think only a man would say it was........

Everything you said hit me. I agree, agree, agree and it felt so good to read that someone else saw it all the same way.

I would comment on certain parts of what you said and let you know how much I needed to hear them, but all of it was so great that nothing in particular jumps out more than others.

THANK YOU! Still not sure where I'm going or what I am doing from here, but it was still helpful just to hear what you said.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

And enough of the "Nature" Please~ honestly..... I would hope that human beings would not need to act like wild animals.... You commit yourself to that one person. No deer and doe stand up infront of god and say their vows so they can run with as many others as they want! We are people ~ it is so different. "Nature" is a total excuse. Just another one I have heard, but still an excuse so that men can keep treating the woman who love them that way and get away with it. Have something to blame it on. "I couldn't help it honey. It's nature. I'm a wild animal who is always looking for a newer superior mate and you just need to sit back and understand while I do it and please me when I need it." NOT going for it!


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

They Know if reversed how it would feel.. They dont focus on it cause its highly unlikely any Man truly would have to deal with it on the same levels women do!! 

I have to tell you though I am truly Blessed with my second husband .. because he has this kind of history in his Past & I mean Past that doesnt involve me.. I believe He has never did this type of betrayal to me from the moment we were together .. to this day.. He takes his wedding vows seriously and has the same outlook as I do.. sometimes more than me with movie ratings ..I will wanna watch & he wont .. he takes the time to screen the material in a movie before he welcomes it in our home/Life .. 

I dealt with it in silence in my first marriage .. the lady who said it is a silent killer was dead on with that quote!

However .. JUST KNOWING & STUMBLING ACROSS My NOW husbands past before meeeee still tormented me.. for they dont look like me there all things opposed etc I definetly KNOW THE feelings it can cause ..

I get mad at him about his past still to this day unfairly but its True Love that makes me spark off on him. I guess that shows how POWERFUL This thing people call harmless is.. If the man u love even did it before you viewed fantasy whatever it will insecure you for your marraige and vows are suppsoed to be sacred.. But I do wanna make sure Im very clear my current husband 1000% agreees with marriage & sexuality are one in the same and no outsiders allowed to entice or be enticed etc .. But my first husband had me believing I was the reason he viewed .. has to be something wrong with meeeee when men say natural associated to this subject thats the only place it should apply.. Women are going to NATURALLY ASSUME they dont STACK UP when there mate needs others to participate in his arousal....


I have had both kinds of men.. and Im hoping you Know You deserve the kind that has waited for you his whole life *& he doesnt forget it when u say i do.. cause there are a few good men out there contrary to what it sounds like all around us sometimes .. best of luck to you and feel free to talk to me anytime u please!!


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## Rattlehead (Apr 28, 2009)

Many men will argue that ALL men have a hidden desire to view other women sexually. I can tell you first hand that is not true, and that is not what God intended with marriages. My fantasy women IS my wife. Even though we have arguments just like all couples, I'm just as attracted (sexually) to her now as I was when I met her more than 4 years ago.. probably more now than ever because what drew me to her at first was a physical attraction, but now that we've been together for a long time, we've connected emotionally, so now I have both a physical AND emotional attraction to her. And the fact that she is HOT doesn't hurt either. 

Sure, I can look at another female and tell you if she is pretty or not, but I have no sexual desire for anyone other than the one I married. Thats what it means to be in love with someone. You deserve nothing less from the person you marry. If you lack this kind of attraction to your spouse (and this goes for both males and females, as fantasizing about someone else is no different than viewing pornography), then in my opinion you are not in love. You are settling for the one you are with. 

This isn't something you have to work at. Its either there, or its not.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

forgive the redundancy, but may i please repeat:

forget the fact that your husband is looking at online porn for a moment and think instead that his behaviour, whatever the hell it may be, is hurtful and demeaning to you, yet he refuses to stop said behaviour.

that fact alone, when fully realized, should give you clear vision as to what you need to do and where you need to be.

the conversation on this thread about men and women feeling differently about online porn, although enlightening in other ways, are not germaine to your concern.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

My wife said, he gives up porn, if you found him watching this music video be upset.

See Gypsy Rose history number #1 stripper never took off her clothes. The sexuality was the mystery what was under them.

So 123 the porn gone, still upset if he was drooling over music video's.

YouTube - Lady Gaga - Poker Face


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

123HELPME-

Your husband is not looking for a superior mate. He is simply highly sexed and indulging himself. He probably wants even more sex than he gets already and he may look at pictures to keep himself from pestering you for sex even more than he does.

I used to look at porn so as to give my wife a rest! I seldom bother these days as I find it does little for me and we are having sex so often that I no longer have the excuse!

Beware of making a glass house for yourself:
You are a woman saying I can put up with anything except men who look at pictures of women. Guess what? Life sends you a nice man with one major fault:- he looks at pictures of big boobed women!

Ask yourself this: Does he accept you, faults and all?


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Mark,

Very well stated, I am awaiting her response to the above.

If she has an issue with this bigger issues pursue in the relationship.

And porn agree with you again, the posted vid is more hot to me.

Big boobs, OMG they get old after a while.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

Size 10 sounds pretty darn good to me after having 4 kids. Stretch marks, bring it I got them too. I was a size 7 last year, I got a badunkadunk now and working out like a mofo.

My ex boyfriend used to do the same thing and it drove me absolutely wild. I obviously not Jenna Jameison but over time I had to get over it. Our sex life suffered because he simply was not in the mood or fixed himself up to the images and videos he saw online.

Bottom line, I had self-esteem issues and he aggrevated it. We broke up (because of unrelated matters).

I was single for 4 years and was in my mid-30's. My self esteem was rocked until I sucked it up like a princess and started dating again. I dated some some seriously hot men but guess what they had flaws. I'm 41 now and feel like I wasted alot of my life with a bad self-image. Now I feel fabulous but it took alot of work.

I went to therapy because I constantly told myself was stupid, my body was ugly, etc. My therapist asked me "would you allow someone else to tell you that?" From the way you describe your childhood, you were powerless but guess what hunni, you got power now. My therapist told me that I had to follow a rule "I am not allowed to say those things to myself". I had therapy last year and there is hope. I saw a pic of some hot blond chick on a Harley on my husband's work computer, I seethed a bit inside but then went home and put David Beckham on my desktop. Over time my husband mentioned the hotties on my desktop so I removed them. I still look at their pics but do it in private so that I would not make my husband feel bad, but I would never put a bookmark on his computer. Get the message? 

Sounds like your husband accepts you for who you are but its not sinking in because of your childhood. Somewhere down the road you lost your female power. It is up to you to get that back. How about checking out some hot picks of David Beckham, Johnny Depp, as some of their pics will look directly at you. Bookmark these hotties until your husband gets it. He works all day paying the bills, you get to work on yourself. 

Good luck hunni.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Ok, what do I say? First off, I did think "maybe if he caught me looking at pictures of men he would get it? Maybe he would feel bad or hurt? Maybe that is the way to go?" BUT the last time we spoke of this together I asked him "what if I did that ~ what if you thought I had eyes for another man, whether he was a star I couldn't have or just some guy on the internet? How would you feel to know that someone else turned me on?" He told me "it would be no big deal and he wouldn't care." Which honestly just made me feel worse in a way.....

As far as not wanting to bug me for more sex when he feels he wants it, I never, in 20 years unless I was in labor, have turned him away.... When we have sex, it is the closest I ever get to feel to him, so I don't pass it up. It is more to me than "sex" ~ It is feeling that I matter, feeling that he actually needs me if even just for that amount of time, feeling important, where in a world of 4 kids and a hubby who other wise seems to not have interest in talking to me.... I feel I mean something to him at that time. Maybe I should spice this up a bit and say that I know he loves me... but in 20 years, he has never bought me a Christmas gift, recognized my birthday, wished me a Happy Anniversary, tells me "mother's day is not his job to recognize cause I'm not his mother" ~ Yet I gave birth to his 4 children and almost died twice doing it... He has never gotten up once with the kids ~ and with the first, the doctor busted my tailbone off causes me unreal pain but I still was up every 2 hours with our baby because he could not be disturbed.... Heck, while in labor with baby 4 at home, I was rocking my 2 year old who was sick all night until I couldn't handle the contractions anymore and had to wake my husband at 4am to take me to the hospital.....

so, on top of that, there have been many knock me down make me feel worthless fights. And just so you all know, I had a GREAT career and made more than him (because I have heard alot how he supports me) BUT he called me one day at work and told me I had to quit or put my kids in daycare cause he was going to go to school thru his work and it didn't work with my schedule........ So, I quit so he could go to school, get his degree, have a great career with lots of friends who brag him up all the time. Meanwhile, I gave up everything, am here day in and day out raising our kids ~~~ never get noticed for it by him. He expects supper on the table when he walks in and no matter how lonely I maybe, he is so tired of listening to people talk from work that he has no time to listen to me....... So, I move on, quietly, cleaning ~ doing my work.... I do have a business I bought 3 years ago and I work about 50 hours a week on it from my home.... but he has no time to hear how that is going ~ just yells at me if it isn't going good..........

In between there, yep, he tells me I am beautiful. Tells me he loves me and wants to be with me forever.... Then goes out to look at these other perfect woman who surely would not give up a thing for him. 

So, I guess, since he knew I was abused as a child, emancipated and on my ow by age 16 because my mother told me "she wished my dad had pulled out on the couch when they were doing it so I never would have been born to ruin her life...", he knew I had low self esteem but would give him my world if I could.... and I do every day. Cater to him ~ everything he needs.... then WHY can't he not do the only thing I ask him not to????????????????????? AND yes, I hate the girls in those nasty freaking Videos too! Videos, magazines, nasty movies, internet.... I know it is everywhere and I cannot keep him from some of it, but going out of your way to search it when I am right here, arms open, ready to love you ~~ doesn't seem fair to me. Definitely not "Forsaking all others...." as was in our vows. More like "Forsaking all others accept nasty porno perfect ****tly woman on the internet cause we know how you need to be stimulated by someone other than the woman who has given you her heart and soul for life" ~~~ Spare me! AND you know what, if it is that he "Just wants more sex and doesn't want to bother me" AT least give me the chance and ask me AND If I am too exhausted from taking care of you, your home, your children, your meals, your bills, your everyday things, then god forbid you might have to do without for a day ~ by all means, then go search it out and please yourself cause you deserve to.................................... NOT!

I believe he loves me. I truly do. I can see it in his eyes. But he does not care enough to have to contribute as far as buy me a rose, make me a card, go out of your way to show me once you love me........... those things are too hard, but it is sure easy to take that spare time to stimulate your sexual needs online....................


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

wow...ok 123...listen close: This isn't about the porn!

He's being a real **** to you. He is being ABUSIVE!

Pretend for a second that instead of porn it was...hmm...Nascar. He watched Nascar, he tooled around with some old beatup wreck he was "rebuilding", he took road trips to talladega, or daytona, or martinsville. He bought the Ricky Martin drink coasters, and the $200 team jacket.

It would be NO DIFFERENT to you. You would feel that he was rejecting you for a car...for a hunk of metal.

Why do you really think he loves you? He is being abusive. He continues to be abusive after you have explained it. From your story, he throws you a few crumbs to string you along, and make you think it isn't bad enough to leave. Then he continues his abuse. I think you are so focused on the porn that you are missing the big picture.

Step back from the porn for a second, and look at the big picture. Then ask yourself: Is it worth it? Is HE worth it? Are you worth more than this?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

123HELPME said:


> Ok, what do I say? First off, I did think "maybe if he caught me looking at pictures of men he would get it? Maybe he would feel bad or hurt? Maybe that is the way to go?" BUT the last time we spoke of this together I asked him "what if I did that ~ what if you thought I had eyes for another man, whether he was a star I couldn't have or just some guy on the internet? How would you feel to know that someone else turned me on?" He told me "it would be no big deal and he wouldn't care." Which honestly just made me feel worse in a way.....


I think that is a cop-out. He's trying to downplay what he's doing. 

I bet if he "caught" you looking at pictures...not "pretty-boy" pictures, but full frontal penis-displaying pictures...of rock-hard men "larger" than him, he would mind. He would be hurt. Men are pretty sensitive about their junk, and the thought that they might not "measure up" in the eyes of their SO. It's a more direct comparison to how you feel about him looking at big boobs. BUT....it wouldn't make your situation any better! It would almost guarantee making it worse.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

He would care.. If he truly Loves you he would.. But that should only be done as literally a revenge tatic .. and I agree with Downbutnotout.. On the type of viewing you should impose to put him thru ...If you ever get ticked enough to return fire.. Then Definelty " Return it in Equal Doses" 

FIND THE EQUAL HARD CORE SEXUALITY OF A MANS FORM FIND A HUGE VARIETY SENSE MEN NEED VARIETY YOU NEED BE EQUAL WITH HIM ON WHAT YOU INTAKE AS WELL!ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE & WAR .. Dont ever retaliate with some of the mens suggestions of the casual tv actor who takes his shirt off now & then thats not gonna put a man in your shoes .. hell cleavage is popular fashion these days so the guy there referring to is also seen all over tv already equal to the female doses ..

The men who view encourage you to say someone on tv is attractive so they feel less guilty ABOUT the complete nude provactive scenes there taking in. There Ok with that why? Because it isnt a direct comparison to there manhood .. they still feel secure in front of you sense afterall pretty much the only male penis you see is theres.. fOR IT IS VERY UNEQUAL THE NUDE SCENES THAT WILL ARISE IN THE AVERAGE MOVIE.. 

Plus its already been stated that most male nudity in a movie is for comedy & female nudity is for enticing. diffrent standards there .. sadly returning fire though isnt as easy done as said cause the truth is whether some men believe or not.. The woman in Love has no desire to seek out other men.. comparision curiosity of just the physical form doesnt lurk in alot of female minds like that.. I bet the only time sense being with your husband that the thought of another man in simple convo like this has even ran thru your mind was for this exactly.. Retaliation.. If I cant beat em join em.. need to show how this feels in reverse.. otherwise the subject of viewing males wouldnt be on your lips?

Regardless of if you had a horrible childhood or a picture perfect one.. Discovering your mate really isnt "A One Woman Man" as his marriage vows reflects.. can be devastating!

I wouldnt suggest returning fire for revenge unless you do it with the intent to Exit the Relationship.. Then by all means Go Out with a Bang & leave him with a little Insecurity to ponder thru..


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## Rattlehead (Apr 28, 2009)

I disagree with the revenge thing. Why give up your morality just to get "revenge" on someone who does not HAVE any morals? It doesn't matter if you do it with intent to exit the relationship. If you end up dumping this guy AFTER you've done the "revenge" thing and later on you meet MR Right, you have already cheated him by viewing other males. I learned this from my Wife. Don't stoop to his level. Two wrongs don't = right. In my opinion, you'd be better off just to leave him and find someone who shares your views & morality.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

How about you looking at men, may be a postive for both of you's.

Stop it already.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

123,

So did you watch the vid, do you feel threatened by Lady Ga Ga if hubby was watching. My wife still can look this at nightclub 28 yrs later. So if he dropped porn and watch her acceptable.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Once again~ Lavender, thank you ~ I love everything you say and feel you understand me so much..... not sure what good watching Lady Ga Ga's poker face was supposed to get me....

I don't want "revenge" I guess. Not yet. See, with my bad childhood, I was always alone and sad. My husband was the first person to really seem to care and I do believe in his own way he loves me. Am I hurt by this? Beyond belief~ yes... Do I compare myself now to every woman I meet when I never did before ~ yes I do. Do I wonder even when we just go out to lunch if he is wanting to see the waitress in a g-string? Yes, I do. It occupies so much of my life.......... Do I wish for flowers, appreciation or even just a conversation to let me know he knows I am there ~ Yes... BUT someone one of the posters said about "getting out of it and then finding it worse with the next person" makes me wonder? Is there truly a man out there that would do those things for me? Put me first? make me feel he only wanted me~ that I was enough? And if so, what other things would he be hiding instead.... my husband at least comes home every night. Doesn't hang out in bars, loves his 4 kids very much............. so I am at a loss. Take the bad with the good? Believe that if it is happening now and did 11 years ago, he must have been doing it the whole time. He promised to stop then and didn't so I either live with other woman's beautiful images being part of his life or..... life without him when I have been in love with him since I first laid eyes on him..... Do I want to look at other guys online? Naked guys? Oh my ~ not a chance. I only love my husband and have no desire to do that ~ see what another man should only be showing to his wife? augh.... and just to hurt him? would it make him stop? No, I think he would do it more just to get back therefore making it worse................... I need to decide I guess. Can I live this way? Can I sit back & know he loves me, but still has to view all of that? Can't give it up for me? Is that ok with me? ~~~~ He surely thinks it is fine. When we discussed it last time he couldn't believe I was upset with it at first. Then, he spent the next 3 days apologizing ~ saying he couldn't believe he would do that to me ~ risk our marriage to look at another woman ~ they meant nothing to him ~ I was all he needed.................... now, I see he still needs them..... not sure what will happen.... but I do appreciate everyone's opinion so much.


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

I think you need to figure out what it is that actually bothers you: the fact that he's watching porn after you asked him to stop, or the fact that he wants to at all.

If it's the first, then you need to stick to your guns and make him understand that his actions are hurting you.

But if it's the second, you need to know that there is no such thing for him as "you being enough". He will always enjoy looking at other women. If not in porn, then at work, or just walking around outside on a nice day. He will look at other women. And it's really not a matter of you not being good enough, or not his type: looking at a beautiful woman is enjoyable for him. If you were one of the fake-boobed blond women in the pictures, that would not be "enough" for him - he would still look at other women. 

I really don't think you're ever going to find a man who literally has no interest in or desire for looking at another woman. It's just not how we're wired. The only thing he can control, and that you can expect him to control, is what he does about it.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Wow, this is some thread. There is so much Psyco Sexual Religious stuff going on here I don't know where to start. I'll stick to the basics. All people are sexual to some degree. Your husband seems to be a more sexual person then you are (he has an active fantasy life, he'd have sex with you everyday if he could) So you two are not balanced in that department. Your answer is that he should be like you. His answer might be that you should be more like him. You're not likely to change who he is so is there room for rational communication that finds a happy place for both of you? If he is otherwise a good husband, father, provider, protector and this is the only issue then I say you're a lucky woman. The self esteem issue is your's and you should seek help to address it as it taints the way you see the relationship and probably many other parts of your life as well.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I agree with Shoto, change starts from within. The self-esteem issue is interfering with the relationship. My advice seriously is to get soem professional help, stat.


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

well I have finally read through all 4 pages of this thread and I just want to say to you 123, that I totally feel for you, agree with you in your emotions and speak 100%!!!!
I have been there before, have done research, read books, and enjoy life with a totally porn free hubby now. Do not listen to the people on here that are trying to convince you to accept all of this...do not listen to the people trying to say it is YOUR self esteem...do not listen to the ones saying it is not about the porn...IT IS!!
It is about so many other things as well, but crap, lets call a chicken a chicken. It may lay eggs and eat worms...but hunny, if it clucks it is a chicken. 
Your feelings and thoughts are validated with me and would be with ANY other christian person who has battled the beast of sexual indecency within marriage. Yes, a video is off limits. Your husband has to come to terms with his addiction though, accept it and deal with it. Just like if it were alcohol or drugs. You can't change that for him or force him to. If I were you, I would seek personal counceling from someone who feels the same as you about the issue. Work on you and how you deal with what you are being drug through undeservingly. Pray everday everymoment for his conviction. Put up boundaries to protect yourself and do not reward his disgusting habits. No sex while he is entertaining images of other women, no trust until it is earned again, etc. Search the web...and I will search for you as well some of the sites I have sent women to for comfort. I will get back to you in a moment with a list of some of the sites...for now though, a GREAT one is 
pornfree.org
they have great resources for you and him. Good luck sweety and don't let ANYONE make you give into to accepting anything. You stand strong and God will take care of you. Praying for you daily...Jaclyn Baker


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

ok, the website I was trying to tell you about is Free info about porn and sexual addictions. I had posted the link wrong...I will look for some of the books that I have on the subject as well to recomend. You will find healing. God Bless...Jaclyn Baker


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## mrs.lostherself (May 4, 2009)

recent_cloud said:


> likewise, i think you should take internet pornography out of this equation just for a moment and understand you have a mate who has lied to you, betrayed you, has hurt you, and refuses to stop hurting you.
> 
> if a spouse behaves in a manner that truly offends and demeans the other, the spouse should immediately not only cease and desist, but want to cease and desist.



Wow that was incrediable and everything I would want to say. My husband loves porn to. I have found the magazines, I have found the videos, I have seen the purchases on our cable bill, I am a computer whiz and have found the websites - yet he always denies it, says it's not a big deal, yada yada yada. It is a big deal because like 123HelpMe - I have self image problem but not so severe as to believe I'm not good enough for my husband. I do question who he thinks about when we're intimate (which is rare) and I do feel like I have been cheated on because it IS another woman he is seeking out. Regardless of whether or not it's a picture or the real thing. 

I guess - the conclusion is as to whether or not you have enough respect for yourself to accept it or to tell him it's me or the porn. I have tolerated on top of other things and I can honestly say - I am exhausted and so emotionally out of this marriage. I don't believe porn addiction falls on just the man category - I'm sure somewhere out in this big world there is a husband wanting to complain about his wife's porn habits too.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

Hi Everyone, 
Just an update to let you know it seems my husband has stopped looking at these beautiful online fantasy woman. Now, he has kicked it up a knotch. He looked up his high school girlfriend from 25 yrs ago, found her email address and has been emailing her nonstop from work going over old high school memories and saying things like "oh, as I type to you right now the song Heaven by Bryan Adams is playing in the background and so many memories are rushing back to me" and things like 
"you are someone who will always be so special to me. I wish I could have been a part of your life, but enough of that talk..." and then they exchanged phone numbers yesterday AND are talking of meeting up for a lunch date to catch up on the last 20 some years. See how they each have "changed or not changed" as my husband put it.... THEN he comes home from work after being gone 12 hours and probably spending most the time emailing her from what I can tell and when I ask if he was too busy to get out his laptop today? didn't have time to drop me a note to say Hi? He says I was busy all day and never got to a computer........................ so help again! What do we call this move?


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

wow ~ to the last guy (obviously) hellobro who answered my post... that was pretty cruel. You must be a porn loving husband who thinks so much of his wife... ~~ I love my husband and have waited on him hand and foot for 20 yrs. so you punish me because after I was abused as a child and after having him lust after internet woman~ It is my fault I am insecure? really? do you think maybe I have a reason? ~~ you urked the total life out of me. I have listened to many people's advice and thoughts, all with something worth while to learn. You were totally a jerk. Nothing more. ~~ I gave my heart and soul completely to my husband ~ that is what marriage is supposed to be. Not give to them yourself and the freedom to lust after and want other woman. Never heard that in my vows... he chooses to share his heart with internet girls and old girlfriends, yet it is my fault and he would be better off with her so he could have his porn? Boy, aim high in life buddy! I think you are going to go real far with that attitude! You'll have a woman to love you forever for the great person you are ~ not...


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

123HELPME said:


> wow ~ to the last guy (obviously) hellobro who answered my post... that was pretty cruel. You must be a porn loving husband who thinks so much of his wife... ~~ I love my husband and have waited on him hand and foot for 20 yrs. so you punish me because after I was abused as a child and after having him lust after internet woman~ It is my fault I am insecure? really? do you think maybe I have a reason? ~~ you urked the total life out of me. I have listened to many people's advice and thoughts, all with something worth while to learn. You were totally a jerk. Nothing more. ~~ I gave my heart and soul completely to my husband ~ that is what marriage is supposed to be. Not give to them yourself and the freedom to lust after and want other woman. Never heard that in my vows... he chooses to share his heart with internet girls and old girlfriends, yet it is my fault and he would be better off with her so he could have his porn? Boy, aim high in life buddy! I think you are going to go real far with that attitude! You'll have a woman to love you forever for the great person you are ~ not...


I am very sorry that you are upset. What I have learned most from this forum is to not let other people's words hurt you. Most posters do not have the time to read every one of your posts, nor do they even need to read the entire thread before replying. I find it easier on my emotional well-being to ignore the responses that are unhelpful, insensitive, contradictory, or just rubs me the wrong way. Good luck.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

call him on the BS. Let him know you know and don't appreciate it.


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

I still say go see a psychiatrist asap because you need help that may be beyond an online message board.


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## Godkindoflife (May 25, 2009)

123HELPME said:


> Hi ~ I am totally new here and never really thought I would do anything like this. I am to a point though where I need someone's help, advise, opinions... please...
> 
> Ok, I have read over and over that "men are just that way" and "you need to deal with it" and "it doesn't mean anything, men just do it...." Until I am ready to vomit.
> 
> ...



Hi, 123HELPME, 
Chris Davisson here,


My parents (Joel and Kathy Davisson) have been helping couples who have extremely bad marriages for over 4 years and they do an incredible job. My parents went through 10 years of hell on earth marriage where my dad was the problem 100% in his verbal and spiritual abuse. Not to mention an affair and adultery. Now, they have lived over 10 years of heaven on earth marriage and they express it openly very much. Using their experience, they help others on the virge of divorce get back together and have a heaven on earth marriage. It is truly amazing.

Now, I am not married yet myself. But after watching my parents (Joel and Kathy Davisson) live over 10 years of heaven on earth marriage (total of 22+ years of marriage) and over 4 years of helping others come from hell on earth marriage to a restored, heaven on earth marriage, I have learned that divorce is almost never the answer - especially when kids are involved. It brings such heartache to both spouses and even more-so for the kids. Fighting and arguing is also never OK in a healthy marriage and for the growth spiritual and mental growth of kids. 

For me as a son, (20, home from college) I am truly greatful that my parents got their marriage restored before it was too late. Now, everytime I see them, they are always doing something to express their love to one another. Whether it be physically, verbally or emotionally. They both love each other so much. Their love is expressed so much within the home and in public that people often ask them if they are a newly married couple. It is truly an amazing feeling for me as their son. I am able to watch and learn from them and know that is how a marriage should truly be like. Both people madly in love with one another and doing things for one another. 

As for your husband; him looking at porn on the internet is a form of adultery and he must stop. I personally am not able to help you with your situation. But my parents (Joel and Kathy Davisson) can. 


If you go to Christian Marriage Help, Advice, Counseling you will find help from them as a couple who came out successful after adultery.


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## 123HELPME (Apr 27, 2009)

just me again.... he didn't give up the internet woman... just took a break for a little bit while... back to all of it and looking up old girlfriends and such online. then I learned at a football game the other night, he was asking some hooters girls to sit on his lap..... boy ~ just don't understand. How do you look me in the eye, tell me you love only me and you would never think of anyone else, then search them out, stare, search more, stare more ~ book mark things.......... I'm almost numb at this point which is the saddest part to deal with. Sort of doesn't hurt when I see it anymore cause I have pulled myself away from him so much to protect myself............ In my eyes, if you pick someone for the REST OF YOUR LIFE to honor, cherish, love, ~ you don't search out other people and enjoy looking at them. you shouldn't even want to ~ you should just want the one you picked...... so, I'm a mess, but I think if anything, it is making me stronger. To know this person I believed in for 21 years and gave my heart and soul to is lying to my face is devestating, but at the same time, I'm getting my own spine and if I need to move on with our 4 kids, I will be able to ~ somehow....


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## gail (Dec 1, 2009)

My thoughts exactly, my husband doesn't think he can quit. It hurts even though I have a pretty good self-image so it must be even harder for you. My beef is that it detracts from our emotional connection when love-making. I'm looking for fireworks and he wants the tv on in the background. He's looking for mechanical release and I want a spiritual connection. Exposing himself to seeing sex as those repulsive and shallow people that put themselves on line destroys the beauty and sensitivity I look for in making love. He thinks it does no harm, but it's destroying our romance.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

In between the action (he looks at naked women) and your reaction (being upset and unhappy) there is your _belief_ about what it means when he does that. You interpret it many negative ways, all about how you aren't good enough or how he doesn't like you or want you or respect you. But to _him_, it doesn't mean anything like that at all: to him, they're just some pictures.

You think he doesn't respect you and doesn't care about you because he won't stop looking at porn. But he doesn't really see a problem with looking at naked women. He knows it upsets you, but to him that means the problem isn't the porn, it's you _knowing about_ the porn. So he tries to solve the problem he can see, which involves sneaking.

He'll never try to solve the problem which he can't see. He sees a real problem that affects you which he can solve, and so he tries to solve it. Remember: in his mind, it's not the porn that's the problem. He looks at porn, he's happy with his marriage, you guys still have a good sex life, no problem. The only problem is that the porn upsets you, so that's the problem he's trying to solve. (Chris Rock once said that men become Batman when it's time to hide their porn.)

And you telling him the problem is the porn isn't going to make him able to see it that way. If he really believed the porn was the problem, based on what you've said, he'd probably stop. But that's not what he believes, and you'll probably never be able to convince him.

I don't seek out porn, but I do look at women when they go by, at places like the beach or the gym or just walking down the street. Pretty women make me happy. But I don't look at them and think about them as alternative or replacement sex partners for my wife. Some are prettier than my wife is; most aren't. But I look anyway, because I like looking. It means nothing more than that.


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## MariaR (Apr 4, 2011)

I'm sorry you are going through this. My 1st marriage ended due to issues of porn/sex addiction, and my 2nd marriage is getting ready to end for the same reason.

I am a strong woman with a pretty healthy dose of self-esteem. Not a beauty queen, but I am very happy with who I am and try to live with integrity. 

The problem is that his actions hurt your feelings. I know, because it hurt mine. I'm tired of hearing that guys are just wired this way. I'm wired to be very flirtatious and outgoing, and love hanging out with people of the opposite sex. Nothing inappropriate, it's just fun and no drama. But in the context of my marriage, it's not ok. So I don't do it. For any moment that I am so inconsiderate that I make my husband question what I'm doing, make him suspicious or insecure... then shame on me. I am not being a good wife. If I am not willing to do what I need to do to have a happy and healthy marriage, then why get married at all?

Unfortunately, even after addressing it with my husband(s), the denial, reverse blame, condescending attitude, etc., is what has caused the marriage to fail. When you feel betrayed in your heart, when you feel a bit humiliated and it changes the way you view your partner (and sometimes, yourself) forever... the wrong response/attitude from your husband is "get over it" or "all men do it". 

Sorry guys, but your stupid frat- boy or wish-I-was-still-a-bachelor or bet-I-can-tap-that mentality is causing someone you supposedly love some real heartache. 

I've been a single mother before and am contemplating it again. I am not a control freak, but work really damn hard in every area of my life including my marriage and really resent that my husband is not. 

Everyone is different, and it's not ok for anyone to belittle or take light on an issue that is so sensitive to you. Everyone has an issue with something, and it doesn't make them insecure for it. If my husband kept stepping on my foot and I asked him several times to stop 'coz it hurt and he wasn't even acknowledging it... refused to do it... he's really not leaving me with much of a choice. And if it takes on a life of its own, which it usually does, you're not gonna end up missing much. In my case, my 2nd husband was aware and also chose to "step on my foot". I'm getting ready to tell him I am granting his wish and he can go ahead and try to tap that!!

Be strong... go on with your life... and be happy!


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## MariaR (Apr 4, 2011)

I also wanted to add: in my 1st marriage we went to counseling. I was very depressed at the thought of ending my marriage and tearing my family apart. My ex thought that I needed to be medicated. The therapist couldn't understand the depth of my depression and also wanted to medicate me. Somewhere deep down inside I was able to muster the strength to say... the problem isn't me... it's him!! Why don't you medicate him!!!

haha!! That gave me the strength to move on with my life. 10 years since and my kids ended up well adjusted and happy... because they had a mom who showed them that it's important to learn how to make yourself happy.


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