# thoughts o using parental control to block porn from husband



## jen53

just got a new anti virus, and it has parental control- after years of this porn problem I have put a block on porn and instant chat, and dating sites on our PC - I just felt I was dieing inside lieing in bed late in the evening while husband is reading, looking at porn continually, I know the stuff and knowing he is looking, reading about sissys etc while I am there is soul destroying -
so I put a block on all users - however, late last night he suddenly stated a gambling site had been blocked and started going on about parental control and there seemed to be password protection on it, I didn't dsay anything other than I couldn't understand why a gambling site was blocked, I then asked jokingly why he was going on a gambling site at 11.30 at night mid week when he only puts a bet on the football on a Saturday,(I know full well gambling sites are not blocked) he blustered about just getting it ready - this morning I checked history on parent control and it shows he was trying to access instant chat earlier in evening, but at 11.30 he was trying to access a porn story site about sissys, about ten attempts were blocked
So..do I bluff it out and leave it on, after all I have experienced his lies for many years, he has no guilt about lieing straight to me over major things, ie escort meets - or cave in and take it off? and know he will be back on porn sites all evening


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## PFTGuy

Hi Jen,
I suggest with care and compassion that you might have a problem. You might seek counseling, or perhaps try an Alanon or Codependency Step program, or perhaps do some reading on codependency. 

Speaking as a recovering addict, I can tell you that addicts won't stop their behavior until they are ready. Any efforts on your part to control an addicts behavior will only result in a continuing spiral of misery.

I hope you find your peace and serenity...


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## husbandinwaiting

PFTGuy said:


> Hi Jen,
> I suggest with care and compassion that you might have a problem. You might seek counseling, or perhaps try an Alanon or Codependency Step program, or perhaps do some reading on codependency.
> 
> Speaking as a recovering addict, I can tell you that addicts won't stop their behavior until they are ready. Any efforts on your part to control an addicts behavior will only result in a continuing spiral of misery.
> 
> I hope you find your peace and serenity...


Definitely look into codependency. You will never be happy trying to control him. He needs to choose to abstain on his own. I would suggest codep for dummies or the new codependency.


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## mablenc

I would only do this if he was a porn addict and asked you to do this for him. Or if you two sat down and agreed to it, otherwise, I would see it as controlling.

The problems you are having won't be solved by you blocking him out, there are serious issues that need to be worked on as a couple it may seem easier to block him. However the more you try to control him the more he will push you away. Having to monitor him is also going to eat you alive eventually, that's no way to live.

Have your tried MC? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash.

He's a grown man and an addict. The only person you should be trying to control is you. Please seek help for yourself. You shouldn't have to live like this.


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## Jamison

My thought is, if he is true addict, then he will find away somehow to watch porn and visit those chat sites. Whether its on the computer at home, a phone or some other means. So you may feel blocking is a good idea, and in hindsight I can see how you would feel it is, but it doesn't really take care of the problem. Its time for boundary settings and ultimatums if need be. People should be held accountable for their actions/behavior followed by a consequence, just blocking the sites isn't really having him held accountable.


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## jen53

you are totally right, in my heart I know this- in fact he moaned he couldn't look at his gambling site when he got in - and uninstalled the whole security program! I had stopped snooping.I know I cant police his behaviour as you say he will become more devious - I don't even mind porn, its thinking he si wanting to talk to strangers, men rather than me, who is next to him its this whole insecurity of not feeling he loves or loved me that creeps up on me, I know really he wont ever stop, he has been this way since before we met, just kept it hidden till I was well and tuelly dependant with the kids - I suppose I am too scared to admit it, but I will either have to accept, be a doormat knowing what he needs-which isn't me, or end it- financially I cannot see how I can, this has been my whole life- I feel destroyed, if I found a new love all the lifetime of building a family etc have been taken by him  I have to let go tbh..


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## henson

Use Aobo porn filter. I have tested it. Not bad.


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## jen53

but as someone said, he will get past it- he was so agitated when he couldn't get into the porn site the other night, (he told me it was his gambling site, but I saw the history) he had tried lots of times, obviously the need was there- as he came straight in from work next day and uninstalled the whole anti virus protection so he could get rid of parental control! if he couldn't do that, he would probably buy himself a new PC laptop etc
I think I must work on myself, and forget his behaviour - I have spent too much time snooping and dwelling on what he MAY do, trust at the end of the day has gone -not just in his actions, but at a deeper level, of how he regards me and our relationship


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## mablenc

You need to draw the line, if he wants to be married to you he needs to stop, the talking to strangers is cheating.

Don't be afraid to show him the door, I promise you he will see the light.


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## ShareAndLearnGuy

You have to make him want to change. He needs to realize that living in world of fantasy is not real. If he is not open to change then the choice is obvious, you have to let him go. 

He needs to see the light. How that can happen is probably something you know best. There are the usual avenues, like therapy, bringing his attention to the issue by suggesting separation, or trying to talk it through between the two of you. No matter how you look at it, this is not an easy problem to tackle. Getting professional help can be expensive, so you may have to try the simpler options first.

One thing is for sure, there is not much you can do to make him stop. Even if you succeed in making him stop temporarily, it will just be that, a temporary solution. His desire to continue will still be there inside and he will find a way to get back to it. The only solution is to make him realize and agree that he wants to give it up and will take your help in seeing him through. Then you have a real chance at salvaging your marriage.


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## TiggyBlue

You will only be able to block the symptoms, not the problem.


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## sparkyjim

I think that by installing the porn blocker and by insisting that it stay on there - by whatever means you have to use to keep it there - you are not trying to control him.... You are merely stating what you will accept in your immediate relationships.

If nothing else it will be push comes to shove - he will have to do something about his issues...

It is possible to take the opposing view - that you are trying to control something by not taking, and insisting, on a certain viewpoint or acceptable action.

Ask yourself this... "Where do I want to be 5, 10 years from now?" "What will I do now to give myself the best possible chance of being happy in the future."

Having no porn blocker is akin to making no decision. A porn blocker, whether good or bad, is an action on your part. It is a statement about what you think is acceptable in your relationship.

I do not discredit the concept of codependency. It exists, but mostly where there is already dysfunction. Ask yourself which came first. Where you codependent and you sought someone who needed fixing? Or where you blindsided by his faults and you have responded by attaching yourself to his getting better?

He needs to decide that he needs to change. But you do not have to tolerate his behavior in your house.


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## eyuop

Bad idea. He will sneak around it or buy another computer or phone to watch it (and hide it from you).


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## jen53

I agree, he would go to any length to get around it, I suppose it was my fault, I should have just blocked dating sites - I have in the past discovered passwords, and looked on an account or site and discovered he is trying to meet, or buying used panties - when I came out with the fact I had discovered it instead of discussing anything he has called me over dramatic, that is was titillation, then reset passwords and become more devious - I suppose I may have fallen into codependancy? though I thought at first it was my fault, gave more, played the games- only to discover he seemed empowered by my acceptance of what I thought would be a need I could satisfy- when infact the more I indulged the more he sought to find escort services- in fact looking back each and every time we role played he begged me to let him meet escorts or TVs  and even though I made my sorrow and hurt known he went ahead -I am realising what I thought was at first shyness, then being relaxed with me, was inf cat him not being able to hold a deep conversation , and not being able to show true emotion or intimacy,


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## SunnyT

Soooooooooooo...... step back from him, and the marriage. 

Work on yourself. Go to school, get some training so that you are not dependent on him. It takes time, but you have time. And you want to take your time to strengthen your own situation. 

Think about what you'd tell your daughters in a similar situation. How would you advise them?

I think you have two choices:
1. Put up with it.... choose to live this way.
2. Change something. And since you cannot change someone else, you can only change yourself.....and thus, your situation. 

It's doable. Not always easy....but doable. Share or don't share as much as you want with H about your plans, but you aren't beholden to him for explanations. Build up your life....make it work for YOU.


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