# Womens advice



## ashamed (Apr 25, 2009)

Well first off I am not here looking for pity. I guess u can say I am a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope. I have been married for almost 8yr (2 children) and the first 5yr had their share of ups and downs. While deployed in 2005-2006 I got heavy into porn and looking back realized it severely distorted my perception of how a sexual relationship should work. Anyway our sex life was not going good, i really did not know what to do and my wife questioned spicing it up. Well obviously I took in a different meaning which eventually lead to us swinging which lead to her having an affair trying to find someone to love her and not use her. Even though we are both adults I am taking full responsibility for what happened. Well my wife obviously has lost all respect for me and our marriage. I am now out of the house and desperately trying to find a shred of hope in saving what we had. I love her and know that I got caught up in a distorted fantasy. She says she likes me as a person and a father but doesn't know how to respect or trust me again. She wants to leave but the only thing holding her back is our 2 young children. It has been 2yr since we did anything and 1yr since her affair. She does not want to go to counseling because of feeling ashamed herself. Just do not know what to do. I have gone to counseling for the porn and have pretty much erased it from my life. I have really been trying to show her that was not me. But she remains firm in her belief that if I truly love her I never would have done that in the first place. I just don't know what to do. Am I being selfish in trying to make things right ? Does she really want me to just walk out without trying ?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Get back in the house, That's the first thing. can you? Then continue trying to get her into counseling, with our without you. You need to ask her if this was all about you, then she should not be ashamed, for the crap you put her through. That's the only way I can see. What is with all this swinging? People destroying their marriages.


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## findingpeace (Mar 14, 2009)

well you said that (it led us to swinging) you both have a part in that she could of and should of absolutly refused to do that when you decided to swing well that is a really bad choice in life to make you had to know it was wrong sex outside of marriage is sin and when we sin there is a price to pay I think you need to first change yourself in order to fix the problem then explain to your wife how the military messed you up and how you realize what you did was horriably wrong I really hope you two can work this out for your childrens sake and next time if sinful thoughts come around ask yourself if you would want your children to do that and be an example to them well good luck


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm going to go out on a limb with the advice. What if you and your wife (along with the children) start going to church regularly? You might be surprised how much better things will look when you ask for forgiveness. At least that's how I would get rid of the shame.

Hope everything works out for you.


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## ashamed (Apr 25, 2009)

First off, thank you for replying. Well I know that I am most to blame. A real man would have never put himself in that position, especially his wife whom he loves. I cannot blame the military either I am on my 15th yr. Porn is everywhere and I fell into this false sense that is was acceptable and took it way to far. I have changed alot in the last 1.5yr to include counseling for myself, and I know it just takes time to change. Unfortunately I cannot go back home since I am leaving again overseas which i feel really hurts us.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Ashamed,

First of all you are not to blame.

My wife has no issue with porn, matter of face we have fun with it sometimes.

You have fallen into the cheater/victim syndrone. The cheaters seeks an excuse to have cake and eat it too.

You are the VICTIM DO NOT FORGET THIS FACT.

The key for her was swinging, that just gave her a door which was going to happen anyway.


We have known swingers in ou time, and your story is not part of lifestlye.

Now with that said, its time to put her into your past, you have much more important things to think about soldier.

My daughter 2nd combat tour Iraq.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

827Aug said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb with the advice. What if you and your wife (along with the children) start going to church regularly? You might be surprised how much better things will look when you ask for forgiveness. At least that's how I would get rid of the shame.
> 
> Hope everything works out for you.


I really agree with this. There is a lot of healing that needs to be done. You should be really grateful that you were able to get away from the porn. Not all men are able to do that. You are also honest in saying that you led your family astray, and this was your doing. That is a good start.

Your wife simply associates you with the shame and the guilt that now repulses her. She feels dirty, and she associates that with you. Cleaning up your act is a good thing.

The best things you can do, besides go to church, is back off a little. Sometimes the more you force things, the more the person wants to run away. Besides, you need to work on yourself more.

Make yourself a better person spiritually, mentally, and physically. Say a little prayer, tell God you're sorry, and ask Him to lead you in the right direction. 

Start with a spiritual retreat. Be a good friend to your wife and wait for her to come to you. Don't pressure her in any way shape or form. Once she sees you clean, healthy and happy, you will be much more appealing to her. Once you both establish a foundation in faith, you will be able to start over. 

The relationship you establish once you start over is up to her, and you can't have any expectations or demands on her. It won't make a difference anyway.

If you have a real faith conversion, you will leave it up to God, and He will give you more than you could ever think possible.

I wish you the best. If you are Catholic I can give you any information you need on the sacraments like confession or on retreats, etc.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Zombie thread


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