# Stuck - Want Freedom - Intimacy -



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So i feel so stuck.

Obviously I am a Nice Guy. I have been working out for the last year - have transformed my body to hell and high water, that is noticeable by everyone. I have majorly been working on me - diet, lost weight, increased muscles where my wife comments every week on how I have changed...

I keep finding myself in this same place ..everything working for me except what I want in my relationship with my wife.. I want it to be a certain way and yet its far from that . I want us to have a passionate sex life and intimacy...

We have sex perhaps one time every two weeks. we got to once per week from 1 time every 3-4 weeks because she went through a stressful time with losing family and I think she is kind of depressed. She seems to sleep a lot and be low on energy.

She does work out 3 times or more per week and seems to have energy to work with no rules around work - but when it comes to play and having fun in the sexual or intimate way - it seems she would rather sleep at times or just sit there ...

Today I went to initiate with wife and I got comment after comment of judgements about how I was kissing her, touching her, then she throws in I am acting weird and this is why she doesnt want to have sex any more with me.

Its weird because months ago she was telling me she had no libido, tonight shes says - I feel like we have been through this a million times. Your weirdness is causing me not to want to have sex...then she goes to state that I started this conversation with her and argument....

Whats funny is I gave her a massage, and I have always initiated sex over the last year or two... I asked her how often we have this problem when she initates wanting to have sex ? ( i kind of knew the answer was unlikely to come ) I explained that during tonight - i told her what I liked and did a bunch of loving things with no judgements however everything I do she has judgements about - probably not best comments however they needed to be said.

I always seem to be giving the massages and doing the work in the initiating side, or warming her up side. I am wondering if perhaps I should let her be and just see if she ever initiates with me since its seem to have been forever since she has ..

I told her I want to spend time with her and that I have never said I am tired in fact I enjoy being with her rather than sleeping and I think about her - perhaps I am too excited and this is my issue. That when we get to have an opportunity to have sex- because there is a two or three week gap perhaps I get a bit fidgity or nervous or I am looking at her reactions too much , that perhaps I should ignore her and just do what I want ....

I got up after she made a comment that she works hard all day long and that she is tired ...and she shut her eyes ..and went to sleep.. I thought if I lay there I am going to feel sick ..

Keep in mind before all this she preamps it with I dont want to make you feel down - or make you feel down --- but ... I am just saying you act weird kissing me and massaging me and why do you do things like this ..

I feel as if much of this is an exaggeration because the last time we had this chat is 7 months ago, but she makes it aware to me tonight that its 100% of the time ( which I know isnt true) - whats even funnier is why I am kissing her and massaging her - she just lays there watching me - like a one man show with me trying to advance and her doing minimal responding - how do I deal with this ?

Its never her fault , its me that is weird... GOSH. I wish I knew how to fix this issue, I tried to talk and ask what do you think would solve this ? She didnt want to get into this - obviously putting me down and not taking any part responsibility seems like a good idea....

I am so lost on how to shift - who I am, its VERY PAINFUL .
So I sit in a room by myself thinking what the hell... how do I deal with this.

Maybe she is just stressed and really just didnt want to have sex , so shes just picking at everything I am doing - last 10 times - there havent seemed to be issues.. Yet tonight she wants to make me feel like I am a loser or what ?

Whats funny is for the last 2 years there hasnt been one time she has initiated any sex with me, its always me. She has been very tired. when we do have sex
I give her oral - and make her feel great then we always have sex ..

she doesnt initiate any more on her own, doesnt give me oral and most of the time she seems to want to rather give me a HJob vs sex...

I feel really ****ty - when I can do everything for everyone - work my ass off, but when it comes to the intimacy - i feel like I am missing something - and I juts dont get it - its really painful ...really ...

I know many of you guys have your opinions, I feel like running away somewhere when she digs into me about how I am weird around sex and then make me feel like an alien and proceeds to go to sleep and not want to even talk ...

Its really tough . I am soooo stuck it hurts , I feel very puzzled on
how to even deal with all of this. I do want to have sex with my wife .

And as many of you have said before - I may just be in a sexless marriage, perhaps I need to just shake it off and not be so attached to any kind of intimacy .. perhaps that is the issue. Maybe I should not attempt any sex for the next 6 months or so ...

Its puzzling , do I initiate with much of her excuses? The last 4 times, have been I am tired, why are you a different person in bed, not now, I need rest
I wish I knew the answer and its been ages and I still havent figured it out
and why is she pointing all of the fingers at me - when she isnt even in that space ?

I would love to hear some advice from a womens point of view. Perhaps I should stop focusing on this so much - but I truly miss that passion in our relationship. I have explained how when we are together - I do feel energized and turned on to do more in life. I like to feel wanted by her...

I dont know what to do any more. It seems to be a broken record. There must be some way to shift all of this - I must be missing it. I have gone to coaches and had advice from professionals however she seems stuck in her place where she is and I seem to not be able to break through with her .

I want to get that romance and desire back in our relationship. I also seem to be last in priority after her, child, family, work and then if she has anything left at 10 pm at night - that 10 minutes is for me before she goes to bed. I have suggested dates away from work during the day and other ideas however she seems to have lost much of her libido - she also doesnt seem to want to 
exert any effort in that area...

We usually just have sex. I seem to be more into it all the time than she does ...When I do start with her - many times she seems to just be laying there and judging me - or not really responding with desire rather watching me - and processing with her mind what is going on ...

ANY IDEAS - Ladies ? I am all ears


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There many sexless marriage threads on TAM. Some woman complain about it, too. Trickster, John, BostonBruinFan, etc. are all struggling with this.

Badon's thread provides a success story.

Read neuklas's, too. He never came back to update.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm a female. 

When she says "weird" do you take that to mean she doesn't like how you initiate? Or it's always the same and she's bored with how you initiate? Maybe she thinks you're too tentative? Not enough passion? Give up massaging her if she doesn't seem into that. Change how you initiate. 

Seems she's lost the connection. Females who don't feel a connection usually aren't interested in sex. They don't see sex as a way to get the connection as men do.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

happybuddah;

how long have you been married? approx. what age are you two?

Was it good in the beginning before marriage? How did this low drive of hers evolve? Was she horny and sexy when you were dating and then dropped off after marriage and kids?

Or was she always this way?

Tell us more about her, and you will get good advice from others.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't have enough info to go on in your post, but I'm going to guess that your massages and kisses do not turn her on yet you are expecting them to. She is getting irritated that you are doing what you "think" will turn her on even when she has told you before it does not.

Some women do not want that type of fluffy stuff, especially if you are trying to initiate sex. 

Have you read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy? There is a section in it about this problem, where women sometimes do not respond at all to the type of thing you are doing. It basically boils down to this: It feels to her like you do not have any raw lust in you of your own to come at her with. Some women would rather be handled than tickled or massaged. Some women want to feel a man's strength and lust...some want to be pushed down on the bed or told what to do (given sexual instructions). 

Being touched and massaged isn't really going to cause arousal for most women. What happens is that to a woman it feels like you fear showing her anything real or authentic and you are insisting on going forward in ways you were made to believe will turn her on....yet since she has told you before it does not turn her on, now she's just irritated.

I could be way off here, I don't have enough to go on. But what you are describing to me sounds like you are helicoptering her, showering her with your intent to cause arousal and constantly watching for cues of it....when what she really needs is for you to engage her desire, not her arousal. Her body isn't going to be what triggers her to want to have sex, most women are not like men that way. It is her mind that will trigger her to want to have sex, so that's why sexual instructions or seeing and hearing your man's authentic lusty actions gets into her MIND and causes desire.

Again, I could be way off. You'd have to tell us a bit more. But many women do have this complaint.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Woman here, and I agree with FW; it sounds like maybe you keep doing things she doesn't necessarily like and getting upset when it doesn't turn her on. Or maybe she likes massages but they don't turn her on, I know they put me to sleep. Can you elaborate on what she thinks is weird? Have you asked her what she does like? Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

She is 47. We used to have sex which was fun and passionate before our child was born. It seems as if since our daughter was born sex just is not important much more.

I have suggested because of csection and stress of losing parents that all of the stress and operation on fibroid being removed has thrown her energy off balance.

I have tried to ask her about this - however she doesnt want to seem to discuss this much. I dont really know when I have tried initiating without helicoptering - it seems like she says hey slow down - it seems like you have an agenda that you want to have sex with me ... so then she says I am going to fast.

Lovemaking used to be more adventurous. Oral sex, in the car, and where she actually initiated. We had sex in the middle of the night and time was not an issue. She seemed more agressive and into it ...

Now I am the only one that gives oral sex to her, and she doesnt initiate any more and seems to be tired more than often. When I do advance - she tends to get judgemental on me and tell me all of these things.. my lips seem big, i am drueling on her etc ..

many times she will offer to give me a massage ( sensual ) vs us having sex .. i have asked her what is happening and she will say she is just not feeling into it, when she has her period no action at all - in that arena... 

We actually have never had sex twice in a day or even twice in a week over the last 3-4 years ...I have suggested different ideas and I am not sure how I can shift this around .

I have tried just connecting with her giving hugs - every day , just kisses, some nights I listen to her for 1-2 hours from the time we lay in bed until the time we go to sleep.

I am becoming kind of frustrated. Whether I make a ton a money, get gifts, spend time out with her alone..somehow the 
impact of all of that doesnt make a difference.

It really is important to me that we connect and she does want me vs it being a one way street. she will tell me I look great, I am in shape, my body looks good and she loves me - however it seems like her sexual part is shut down. I seem to have to be able to shift her thoughts into that place .. yet I feel like its 
just me that has to direct it ..

I would love to hear any advice. I have even gotten 3-4 months of coaching from an intimacy coach for me to take steps in the right direction and change my approach ... however I am not making any breakthroughs the way I want ...

When you get rejected all the time or hear excuses , it can get a bit weird. When we have an opportunity for sex one time every 2 weeks, there just seems like such a build up and I get nervous sometimes - because its been a while - I also feel like I am being judged..

Am I 100% responsible for the outcome ? Why doesnt she take any responsibility around the situation , why does she point the finger at me and then go the extreme to say I have had this issue for years ..? What about her lack of initiation >

She has admitted that she used to be more agressive and she feels as if she has lost her libido for sex, she hasnt seemed interested in me or anyone else for that matter. She says it just doesnt seem as important as before for her.. 

Love to hear from the women , any suggestions for me ?
Perhaps I am over trying to please. I have read NMMNG book and MAP and its helped me improve me - but I am in shape have more energy and feel more sexual while she is stuck in the not in the mood or tired mode...

Please help, let me know if any of you know what I can 
do to get out of the insanity as I dont want to do this same thing any more . Something MUST CHANGE !


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I am 44 ...


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I really think you are trying to get her into the mood. You sound so frustrated and I can understand why. It may just be that she is LD and you will have to live with that (or not). There are a lot of stories of your situation on this board. 

I'm in the same situation as you are. My husband is LD. I'm just happy with the intimacy we do have because I can't force him to more intimate than he wants or have the desire to be. I just focus on the good aspects of our marriage. You can do that.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> There many sexless marriage threads on TAM. Some woman complain about it, too. Trickster, John, BostonBruinFan, etc. are all struggling with this.



John's struggling with some hills in the bike trail as we speak. No time, energy, or family jewels in working order left after cycling 20 miles today 

Look, it's always the same danmed scenario over and over. Before you do anything drastic find out what's causing your wife to play frigid. Try counseling, the 180, the usual books that will be rained upon you upon mentioning the word LD, the works.

Or you can surprise Mrs. Frigid and bail out. In the meanwhile find a hobby or three and enjoy it. Remember that it's you that are in control of your happiness ultimately and you need to take care of your happiness yourself. Your self worth is not predicated upon some lady putting out or not. 

Today I did my first 20 miles on the trail and concluded a most awesome day with a world class concert of Indian classical music. Then dinner with my daughters at an Indian place and as an afterthought carry out for my wife. I spent a total of 15 minutes with her. 

Women are overrated


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

all the massaging and playing around....maybe she only like PIV sex. Hard, rough, PIV. Have you tried just being domineering in bed and see if she finds that to be not-weird?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

john117 said:


> John's struggling with some hills in the bike trail as we speak. No time, energy, or family jewels in working order left after cycling 20 miles today
> 
> Look, it's always the same danmed scenario over and over. Before you do anything drastic find out what's causing your wife to play frigid. Try counseling, the 180, the usual books that will be rained upon you upon mentioning the word LD, the works.
> 
> ...


I like the way you think John.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

RClawson said:


> I like the way you think John.



It's my PhD in Small Appliance Psychology that does all the thinking 

Seriously, now. The moment you let anything get into your head she has won. And we don't want that. If financially and emotionally you can take the collateral damage then Ding Dong the witch is dead time. If you need the witch to keep working and pay for your kids' college then that's your answer.

Rediscover yourself and leave the witch be. You will have your Ding Dong moment not too long from where you are age wise. If you were 35 sure, the witch has some years before the marriage's MTBF is up but you're late 40's...


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Well kind of a eye opener yesterday.

Talked to wife and last night she said - she feels like I have always worked harder on our relationship than her .. ( interesting ) we had 
sex , however also found out that when we have sex she said her skin burns - and that it hurts in many of the other positions aside from missionary. That was all new... I asked what she thinks it is, she commented that perhaps she is falling apart.. she said she wants me - just so I know... she has been stressed with work and then when she is on work she lets everything else go .. hmmm.

interesting ... wonder how this came about as to her realizing these things ..??

Where now ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

She is channeling my wife.

And it's all horse apples.

I have also gotten the "I hurt all over my body can't have sex more than once a month my body can't take it blah blah". This from someone who can walk 10 miles in 90F-95F humid days, spread 15 cubic yards of mulch in a weekend, and in top physical shape. 

She "works" long hours from home but most of that is horse apples as well. I've worked 12-14 hour days and she is not putting remotely the same effort- she simply gets 8 hours worth of work done in 12-14 stopping to tend to the yard, exercise, etc. Most of her chores also take her (by choice) twice the time they do for normal people. Then bed at 10, "tired", to wake up at 7:55 am for 8 am work. I sleep 1 am to 7 am. Both mid 50's.

Just for kicks, are we talking western culture for both of you or not?


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Stop trying just ignore her sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't when i changed tactics like this she was bewildered as to why i stopped trying /asking for sex had new hobbies nbew friends she never got to meet and gave the impression i couldn't care less, if you do this and in between her realising what she is losing and some other woman taking an interest well it's her loss


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

happybuddha said:


> Well kind of a eye opener yesterday.
> 
> Talked to wife and last night she said - she feels like I have always worked harder on our relationship than her .. ( interesting ) we had
> sex , however also found out that when we have sex she said her skin burns - and that it hurts in many of the other positions aside from missionary. That was all new... I asked what she thinks it is, she commented that perhaps she is falling apart.. she said she wants me - just so I know... she has been stressed with work and then when she is on work she lets everything else go .. hmmm.
> ...


It might be excuse-making as John117 says. Or, it might be real physical issues (though probably not). It really does not matter.

The important things are that she admitted the issue is her and not you, and that she has always lagged you in the effort put into the relationship. The translation is having sex with you was a matter of convenience. Good sex happened when she felt into it and nothing else was competing with her time. Now that she has other priorities, sex with you has fallen by the wayside and she is letting her perspective in the moment dictate what happens rather than meet your needs or serve the relationship.

Advice: have a follow-up talk with her. Repeat what she has told you regarding her libido. Advise her you understand it is not anything you are doing or not doing causing her libido to fail. Thank her for her honesty.

Then, reiterate that your needs include quality sex, even though her need for that has largely vanished. Since she has admitted the problem is within her and not relational, she needs to take the initiative and figure out the issue. Her action is harming the marriage, and she needs to invest more in the relationship if she values it.

For your part, understand that she might not be able to control her libido, particularly if there isn't a medical cause (disease, medication) that can be readily identified and corrected. A realistic goal is for her to cheerfully meet your sexual need (in terms of activities and frequency) out of a desire to make you happy and to honor the marriage. Don't be one of these guys who gets offended and pushes his wife away if she is not actually horny for it herself; that will drive resentment.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

happybuddha said:


> Well kind of a eye opener yesterday.
> 
> Talked to wife and last night she said - she feels like I have always worked harder on our relationship than her .. ( interesting ) we had
> sex , however also found out that when we have sex she said her skin burns - and that it hurts in many of the other positions aside from missionary. That was all new... I asked what she thinks it is, she commented that perhaps she is falling apart.. she said she wants me - just so I know... she has been stressed with work and then when she is on work she lets everything else go .. hmmm.
> ...


Ok then, suggest setting up a doctor's appointment in which you go with her.
If she is interested in a sexual relationship with you, she won't balk at it.

If she does, then she is either lying or is not interested in fixing the problem.


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