# My wife had an affair and i need help



## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

I am now 42. My wife is now 32. I met her online and brought her to the states on a k-1 visa 7 years ago. After a solid 3 years of marriage, we had our son who is now 4. 
After birth she had a bout with ppd. Since then i saw her slowly fall into depression. She started spending way too much time on her phone, she would sleep way more than a mom should, and neglected the housework. This made us argue often. I commute to work, so im gone 12 hours a day, and when i get home to see the house a mess and her sleeping on the couch, i cant help but to be upset. I tried talking with her and asking her to get help for her depression. She refused.
In march, when covid hit, i was home for 4 months straight. We spent lots of time together, and it felt like we were fixing things in our marriage. She seemed a bit happier again. Towards the end of the 4 months she started playing a new game on her phone. She started at that point to spend more time on her phone again, and leaving me and our son doing things on our own.
When i returned to work, i would never see her. I would come home from work, and she would go sit on the porch and "play her game" while i spent time with our son. On the weekends when i was home, she would sleep until 1 in the afternoon, and be up all night on her phone. It was then that i became suspicious.
One time i saw her phone while she was on it, and she was sending heart and kissy emojis to another man. I asked her about it, and she said he was like her little brother. I told her i was uncomfortable with her talking to other guys like that, but she shrugged me off. I then really started feeling in my gut that she was talking to someone else. I asked her about it multiple times over the next few months. Even told her to make a decision. Choose her family, or choose that game, because she was destroying our marriage and our family. She always denied talking to someone else, and never stopped playing the game.
Two weeks ago i decided to snoop through her phone, as at this point, i new something was wrong. She was staying up all night, neglecting our relationship, neglecting our son, neglecting our house, and i needed to find out the truth. I found messages on a chat app that solidified that she had been in a hot and heavy emotional relationship with another man for the past seven months (started just after i returned to work). I checked phone records, and before they switched to a chat app, they were texting all night, sending photos, and talking on the phone for hours every night. Sometimes until 5 in the morning! I dont think she ever met this man in person as he lives on the opposite side of the country, but who knows 
When i told her that i found out about it, she was instantly remorseful, and wanting to fix things. She said she did it because ive neglected to give her the attention shes needed over the past few years, and she was using this guy to get the attention that i wasnt giving her. 
I admit, with my busy schedule i have neglected to give her the attention shes needed, but i dont feel i deserved this. The fact that i told her that i knew what was going on even prior to having concrete evidence, and gave her the chance to come clean and she didnt is very concerning to me. I do want to fix things because i do still love her, and i dont want to break our family, but im struggling. Im struggling to trust anything she says or does. I dont know if her intentions are now true or if she is just trying to appease me. 
I am going forward with attempting to recover from this and save our marriage, but still have so much pain, regret, and questions. Tonight is our first session of marriage counseling. 
One thing that keeps me in limbo is the fact that after i found out, i asked her to delete the game. (She admitted that this is where they met. Once they met, he gave her his account, he had built a big account in the game), and he left the game. Thats when they started chatting outside the game. She at first refused to delete the game. Then once she came clean to her parents about the affair, and they told her to delete it, only then she did. But she still has a chat app on her phone (not the one they were using, but another one that they both have access to). So she seems to still be holding on to contact with him although she says theve had no contact. Also, since i confronted her about the affair, she claims she wants to fix things but really hasnt shown me. She claims she cant put forth much effort right now because she has so much guilt and shame inside her from what shes done. So it feels like im the only one putting forth all the effort into fixing things. To the point where i feel im smothering her. Am i doing the right thing? Am i wasting my time? I dont know what to do, how to act, or how to think. Please help me. I am struggling.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She doesn’t love you and she probably never did. You were her ticket out of wherever she lived that’s all. 
First thing you do is dna your son and then talk to a lawyer about divorce. 
She seems to have more respect for her parents than she has for you so I would let them know what’s going on.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shrugnight said:


> After birth she had a bout with ppd. Since then i saw her slowly fall into depression. She started spending way too much time on her phone, she would sleep way more than a mom should, and neglected the housework. This made us argue often. I commute to work, so im gone 12 hours a day, and when i get home to see the house a mess and her sleeping on the couch, i cant help but to be upset. I tried talking with her and asking her to get help for her depression. She refused.
> *
> Is she depressed or just lazy? Laying around doing nothing will make you depressed. This is on her.*
> 
> ...


Shes got zero remorse. NONE. All you’re getting are words which mean nothing. Only her actions count.

*ALL CHEATERS LIE A LOT!!!! *It sounds like the affair is ongoing.

Sorry man but you’re a typical betrayed husband. I want this to be my fault so I CAN FIX THE MARRIAGE. Nope, she broke it and she’s the one who needs to step up and fix it.

My advice is cancel marriage counseling and have her go to individual counseling. If you go to marriage counseling beware. If they blame you. Leave. They are not gods. 

The only one that can put and keep you in limbo is yourself. It’s sounds like that’s what you’re doing upfront like most.

You don’t wake up this will get a lot worse not better. Get strong stop taking BS and hold her accountable. Consequences in these cases are very important.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is still in contact with OM through the chat app. Can you monitor that app?

I see no real remorse, just excuse after excuse to justify her bad behavior. The excuse that she is too guilty to try and repair what she has broken is BS.

It is up to you how much disrespect you can accept.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> She doesn’t love you and she probably never did. You were her ticket out of wherever she lived that’s all.
> First thing you do is dna your son and then talk to a lawyer about divorce.
> She seems to have more respect for her parents than she has for you so I would let them know what’s going on.


First off, thank you for the reply. Our son is undeniably mine. I did speak to a few divorce attorneys. They basically told me im screwed. 
Her parents know about the affair, but they dont know that she is holding on to contact.....maybe i should tell them.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Continued contact=continued affair.

Here is the thing, brother. You have no idea if you were her "visa ticket" or not, but it sure looks that way.

Can you stomach remaining with her when she refuses to even take the basic steps necessary to reconcile? In doing so, you are effectively continuing to allow a situation where you are sharing your wife. 

Are you okay with that?

Also, her excuse about your neglect is ********. Did you seek solace from another woman while she was neglecting you for her AP? Nope. Why not? 

Don't let her lay ANY of this at your feet. She chose this...over, and over, and over again. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Shrugnight said:


> First off, thank you for the reply. Our son is undeniably mine. I did speak to a few divorce attorneys. They basically told me im screwed.
> Her parents know about the affair, but they dont know that she is holding on to contact.....maybe i should tell them.


You should DEFINITELY tell them.

"Wife, I will not be complicit in helping you hide your emotional affair."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I can tell you how it looks from a female perspective — she wanted a chance for a new life and she picked you but now she‘s bored and looking for excitement. Women don’t always marry for love and even when they do sometimes that love doesn’t last. Tell her parents all of it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shrugnight said:


> First off, thank you for the reply. Our son is undeniably mine. I did speak to a few divorce attorneys. They basically told me im screwed.
> *Her parents know about the affair, but they dont know that she is holding on to contact.....maybe i should tell them.*


Immediately. It’s not your job to hide their affair. All you’re doing is enabling it. You should also find out if the guy is married and inform his wife.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Immediately. It’s not your job to hide their affair. All you’re doing is enabling it. You should also find out if the guy is married and inform his wife.


Hes a single guy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shrugnight said:


> First off, thank you for the reply. Our son is undeniably mine. * I did speak to a few divorce attorneys. They basically told me im screwed. *


Compare that with living with a lying cheating wife.

Divorces are expensive because they’re worth it.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

TDSC60 said:


> She is still in contact with OM through the chat app. Can you monitor that app?
> 
> I see no real remorse, just excuse after excuse to justify her bad behavior. The excuse that she is too guilty to try and repair what she has broken is BS.
> 
> It is up to you how much disrespect you can accept.


Unfortunately, i did look into it, but there is no way to recover deleted messages, and i really dont want to use any spyware.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Shrugnight said:


> First off, thank you for the reply. Our son is undeniably mine. I did speak to a few divorce attorneys. They basically told me im screwed.
> Her parents know about the affair, but they dont know that she is holding on to contact.....maybe i should tell them.


Definitely tell them. You should not protect her from the consequences of her affair nor help her hide anything.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Many just like you come here and get good advice. Some don’t apply the advice and keep themselves in limbo. It’s up to you. Living In fear will get you nothing.

They find out that this is nothing special. These things happened all the time. Your wife and circumstances are nothing special. But it’s happened to you.

I hope you get it quickly.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You were an opportunity she took. My guess is you probably knew that at the time. You have a significant age gap. She probably still feels young and like exploring which is one reason she got depressed after the birth of her child because that's an instant anchor. 

I don't see why you would want to do anything except get a divorce and simply get 50/50 custody. or she even maybe even willing to give you more custody but you'll have to be able to take care of the child either way. You can't expect her to want to keep on doing it full time once you're divorced. it sounds to me like you're going to have to change your work situation some to accommodate this child. Hopefully you can afford a nanny or something like that. Good luck.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Shrugnight said:


> she was instantly remorseful


No, Sir, I have to respectfully disagree. The words "instantly" and "remorseful" cannot exist as adverb and verb, if there is to be any truth.
The kind of contrition required for a cheater to be remorseful takes months, most likely, years, even decades, to develop.



Shrugnight said:


> and wanting to fix things.


Yes. Now, that is Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 2. "Damage Control"



Shrugnight said:


> She said she did it because ive neglected to give her the attention shes needed over the past few years, and she was using this guy to get the attention that i wasnt giving her.


See what I'm telling you...... her adultery was YOUR FAULT. Not only did she DESERVE attention, she gave herself permission to "use" another guy like she used you.



Shrugnight said:


> She claims she cant put forth much effort right now because she has so much guilt and shame inside her from what shes done.


This statement is 100%, pure horse$hit. In truth, the ONLY thing that will rid her of "guilt" and "shame" is to COME CLEAN with you about how she used you for her visa, how she was never really attracted to you, never really loved you, and to ask your forgiveness for wasting your life and manipulating you to give her a child for whom you will be responsible for decades to come. Including absolutely no reference to you, or your actions, nor lack thereof. This is HERS to own.



Shrugnight said:


> Am i doing the right thing? Am i wasting my time?


Yes, I think you're trying to do the right thing. And, yes, you are completely wasting your time.



Shrugnight said:


> I dont know what to do, how to act, or how to think. Please help me. I am struggling.


Ok. Read this every morning and every night for the next 40 days. Resolve that you will fully implement one of these principles into your life each day.
Keep a checklist.

_*THE 180*_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shrugnight said:


> Unfortunately, i did look into it, but there is no way to recover deleted messages, and* i really dont want to use any spyware.*


Why Not? Your wife is cheating but you don’t want to invade her privacy to cheat?

Cmon Man. Wake up.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Shrugnight said:


> Unfortunately, i did look into it, but there is no way to recover deleted messages, and i really dont want to use any spyware.


You are now in a war for the future of yourself and your child. Your wife is now the enemy intent on destroying that future. I would use anything available to get info about her plans.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't ever see the point in going to great lengths to "prove" someone is cheating when it has no bearing in a divorce case anyway in 99 percent of the cases.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You have to pull away and stop smothering her. Pretend you barely care anymore. Go about your business like a confident man. She will start watching and start doing stuff.

Also, the more you grovel, cry, plead, etc. the weaker it makes you look. Stop doing that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Time is better spent cultivating a new relationship than trying to fix a broken one.
-Richard Cooper

Time for you to man up and stop playing the pick me dance. Don’t assume the kid is yours. Kick her ass to the curb. These situations never get better. Let her talk to her man. He will most likely be her next victim.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I take it you’ve been married long enough now that she is a full citizen? Perhaps staying married long enough to provide a lifetime of alimony is the next biggest mistake you can make here. 

I don’t even want to know what kind of mother she was to your kid when you were at work for 12 hours and she had unfettered access to her game and her lover boy. You need all the spyware and all the evidence so that you can build a case for giving her the least custody possible and divorce her before you are on the hook for gobs of long term alimony. 

Stop trying to drag the dead horse to water and get a plan! You met her online and married her, she moved across the world to get what she wanted from you... You don’t think she’ll move 1000 miles across the same country for a new and more exciting lover? You may be seeing your kid on summer vacations for two weeks a year while she spends your child support and alimony if you don’t get on top of this situation quick.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

If I may ask a question. Is your wife Russian? The reason I ask as from my personal experience, I know two people who have married women from Russia. One was a mechanic I use to service my vehicles. He started an on-line romance, brought the lady over, got married, had a couple of children. She became a citizen, filed for divorce, wound up with a nice settlement. He later learned he was used as a means to get to the United States.

Point is, things like this happen. Beware and obtain good legal counsel if you have assets to protect.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

File for divorce - she isn’t sorry she did it - she is sorry she got caught.
None of it is your fault. She is an inadequate wife and mother. Get full custody of your child - ask family to help you.
Stop blaming yourself. Your wife is a jerk who used you while you worked hard to provide her a life she should have appreciated. Since she is ungrateful and mistreating you and your child - divorce her! You can’t nice her into being a decent person - this is who she is - a cheater and a user. Be glad you know the truth about her.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> File for divorce - she isn’t sorry she did it - she is sorry she got caught.
> None of it is your fault. She is an inadequate wife and mother. Get full custody of your child - ask family to help you.
> Stop blaming yourself. Your wife is a jerk who used you while you worked hard to provide her a life she should have appreciated. Since she is ungrateful and mistreating you and your child - divorce her! You can’t nice her into being a decent person - this is who she is - a cheater and a user. Be glad you know the truth about her.


I’m sorry you are here. Cheaters lie...they will say anything to protect themselves. Don’t be fooled by her words. Watch her actions.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Fortunately, alimony isn't a thing in many states. It may be temporary in a situation that is dire, but many states, it's just child support.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Fortunately, alimony isn't a thing in many states. It may be temporary in a situation that is dire, but many states, it's just child support.


Hope he doesn’t live in my state. It very much is a thing here and the longer he is married the longer the alimony endures. She hasn’t been working so... cha ching.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

QuietRiot said:


> Hope he doesn’t live in my state. It very much is a thing here and the longer he is married the longer the alimony endures. She hasn’t been working so... cha ching.


California is pretty much the worst on alimony. I think it's probably because of Hollywood. You'd think they'd have lobblied to get rid of it as many golddiggers as there are there. 

I can see it in cases where the man has not allowed the woman to work or get educated, and yes, that does happen. My best friend, her husband didn't want her to work, but she got further education anyway, and he didn't want her to work because he didn't want to give up any power or do any of the chores or childrearing. But she reached a point she did it without his permission. But I can only see doing it long enough to get the woman or man work-ready. That's not always at all easy, especially if you're divorcing in middle age. Sure, any 20 year old or even 30 can go get a waitress job if needed or clean homes, but once you reach the point you're not as young and hardy, and no skills, it's hard. In Texas, I have never heard of anyone getting alimony for longer than it takes to, say, sell the house or assets. It's very rare here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK, lets talk business.

You brought her over on a K-1 visa.
You married, likely 5 years ago, is that correct?

She likely has a ten year green card. Which makes it less likely for her to lose her immigration status.
And, then taking out of the US, your child, which would be an illegal act, anyway.

If you do divorce, both of you need to promptly inform the ICIS and for both to fill out file the Form, I-751, _Petition to remove conditions on Residence _

I suspect she must be gainfully employed after divorce.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> You can’t nice her into being a decent person - this is who she is - a cheater and a user. Be glad you know the truth about her.


Yes. Yes. And, act accordingly to the truth you know.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I really do believe she is depressed, and is regretting her choices, and her lot in life.

I also believe she _*self-medicated *_on that 'Other Man'.

Like a hard drug, he took her mind off her woes, and which bed her toes were residing in.

My! The OM had such a long reach, he touched her in secret places, from so far away.

One thing can be said, assuredly. 
Your wife does not like _every day_ reality.
She consistently chases after her dreams.


_The Typist-_


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You mail order bride types are so pathetic. Once those chicks throw a calf on USA soil the dude really gets to learn what she thinks of you. It’s like a bad reality TV show .... 

You could just tell us how much she used to love you......dude WAKE UP !!!!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Shrugnight said:


> She said she did it because ive neglected to give her the attention shes needed over the past few years, and she was using this guy to get the attention that i wasnt giving her.


Oh please. Cue the violins already. You went to work to provide for your family while she had the luxury of staying home with your child? Oh you savage! Does she get that there are millions of mums out there who have no choice but to leave their babies in care, and go to work just to make ends meet? 

Her CHOICE to cheat is 100% on her. 100%. The problems in the marriage are on both of you, but make no mistake and don't let her put her CHOICE to cheat on you. No way.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> I really do believe she is depressed, and is regretting her choices, and her lot in life.
> 
> I also believe she _*self-medicated *_on that 'Other Man'.
> 
> ...


I think you are spot on here. My question is, what do you think i should do? Thats what im just not sure about yet.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Under your circumstances with a remorseless wife if you stay in this you’ll get to go through it again.

Repeats happen all the time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Shrugnight said:


> I think you are spot on here. My question is, what do you think i should do? Thats what im just not sure about yet.


This is a hard question to answer.
It is.

You know her intimately, we know her only from your words.

I cannot tell you if she is salvageable, only you have lifted her hood and gone over her (warm or cold) workings.
I haven't.

The _other man _knows things about her that you don't, nor we.
His input would be invaluable.

My advice is to trade her in for a new model.
Why?

Life is so short and you have not the time to sort out the problems of this 'known' cheater.

If, you knew for a fact that she is genuinely remorseful, and that she would _now become_, in most respects, trustworthy and an enjoyable mate, then yes, go for reconciliation.

But, we both know, that this is not the case.
It just.....isn't.

Again, life is short, and she is a risky endeavor.
Find a fun gal who is frisky with you, but not risky in having.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

*i am reading and taking in all of these replies with a grain of salt. It is obvious that most see divorce as the dominant option to choose according to the replies. I will be keeping that in mind, but will not let it stop me from giving her a chance. We have been married for 6 years. I figure i am not going to stay in limbo for much longer. I am going to give therapy a chance, and in the mean time keep my wife under a close watchful eye as far as her actions and reactions. If things dont get better then divorce is my obvious choice. Thank you all for the replies. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated in helping me to see through my blinders.*


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> This is a hard question to answer.
> It is.
> 
> You know her intimately, we know her only from your words.
> ...


Thank you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marriage is a journey.

With, two people heading towards the sunset.

During that journey, a good mate is irreplaceable. 

A _less than good_ partner, soon becomes tiring.

They simply do not meet fully, the road with their tires.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Shrugnight said:


> *i am reading and taking in all of these replies with a grain of salt. It is obvious that most see divorce as the dominant option to choose according to the replies. I will be keeping that in mind, but will not let it stop me from giving her a chance. We have been married for 6 years. I figure i am not going to stay in limbo for much longer. I am going to give therapy a chance, and in the mean time keep my wife under a close watchful eye as far as her actions and reactions. If things dont get better then divorce is my obvious choice. Thank you all for the replies. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated in helping me to see through my blinders.*


I don’t think you understand the way people have obtained the successful reconciliation you are looking for...The people here are trying to tell you that it’s not the way you’re doing it.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I don’t think you understand the way people have obtained the successful reconciliation you are looking for...The people here are trying to tell you that it’s not the way you’re doing it.





QuietRiot said:


> I don’t think you understand the way people have obtained the successful reconciliation you are looking for...The people here are trying to tell you that it’s not the way you’re doing it.


Please explain....


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

Shrugnight said:


> Please explain....


I am trying. We are going to councilors, i am listening to her, giving her space, trying to understand her side and what shes going through, all at the same time trying to figure out what im going through. That is the purpose of this thread. To see if anyone has advise on where to go , how to fix this, or if this can be fixed. I know that i dont know how to do this. Ive never been in this exact situation before, and there are so many variables, that i just dont know what to do. I dont need someone to tell me im not doing it right, i need someone to help me figure out how to do it right.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

For any kind of R (reconciliation) to even have a remote shot of success, your wife must be demonstration total remorse - BY HER ACTIONS - and not merely words of “sorry”. Actions like

100% truth 
Zero blame shifting (NO “yeah, I did this, but you did that”)
Zero contact with OM ever again
100% transparency on all devices, all accounts, all locations, etc.
100% focus on YOUR feelings and wellbeing and no observable focus from her on herself
Her fixing HERSELF - you can’t ever change her AND YOU MUST NOT DRIVE THIS
Answering all your questions WITH NO OBJECTIONS
Working her ASS OFF to do ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to save this
She’s 100% ok with all family members & friends knowing 
She agrees that she’s earned ALL consequences of her choices & actions
She agrees you would be 100% right to D (divorce) and is willing to give good terms if you so choose
She agrees to IC (individual counseling) to determine why she feels so entitled to **** on her vows

The other CRITICAL part of R is that YOU take the position of STRENGTH. She’s proven she doesn’t respect you. That needs to change NOW. How? By telling her that unless she’s completely remorseful (see above) and fully accepts all consequences that you are going to D her. The ONLY thing that will change that she proves she’s changed by her ACTIONS. In other words, your default course is D. Only by her working her ass off will save this marriage.

To you, this prolly sounds mean, punishing, etc. It’s not. It’s setting clear expectations and boundaries of what you will tolerate and what you will not. She WILL respect this. Now the question is: do you have the strength in you to do this? Yes? You just might save this M (marriage). No? You’ll suffer for as long as you stay in this disaster.

GO STRONG if you want to give this M any kind of chance of survival.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Shrugnight said:


> I am trying. We are going to councilors, i am listening to her, giving her space, trying to understand her side and what shes going through, all at the same time trying to figure out what im going through. That is the purpose of this thread. To see if anyone has advise on where to go , how to fix this, or if this can be fixed. I know that i dont know how to do this. Ive never been in this exact situation before, and there are so many variables, that i just dont know what to do. I dont need someone to tell me im not doing it right, i need someone to help me figure out how to do it right.


So basically you’re doing the opposite of what you need to do. This is going to sound very painful and uncomfortable but you need to go to war against your cheating wife. 

We speak from experience here. When you drag her around by the ear and coddle her sensitive emotions you enable her affair thinking and behavior. And believe me, most of us did this type of crap with our cheater and then got the cheating again. “I’ll fix them! I’ll fix ME and then they’ll want me!” It’s exactly what the cheater eats for dinner and wants more of. 

What do you do then? You do the 180. You put the smack down on the emotions, the behaviors and you simply refuse to be the doormat any longer. You put yourself in the position of power, you take her and her effed up thinking off the pedestal and stop treating her like a victim and treat her like a traitor (because that’s what she is). Even better if you have the divorce papers drawn up, and be willing to follow through if she keeps acting like an idiot. 

It’s no coincidence that the cheater is always ambivalent, has so many emotions, is so confused and blames the person they cheated on when you enable that behavior. The second you start going to war and work on leaving them, then they want to try and save the relationship, then they want to try to fix it, then they want to know how to keep you. (This isn’t always, but if your wife doesn’t show she wants to keep you when you do this? You’re doomed anyhow.)


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Shrugnight said:


> *i am reading and taking in all of these replies with a grain of salt. It is obvious that most see divorce as the dominant option to choose according to the replies. I will be keeping that in mind, but will not let it stop me from giving her a chance. We have been married for 6 years. I figure i am not going to stay in limbo for much longer. I am going to give therapy a chance, and in the mean time keep my wife under a close watchful eye as far as her actions and reactions. If things dont get better then divorce is my obvious choice. Thank you all for the replies. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated in helping me to see through my blinders.*


Also I want you to know that marriage counseling with anyone who is less that 100% remorseful equates to you eating ****. Truly. You save the marriage counseling for after she’s shown she’s willing to do 100% of the work to fix her affair and what’s she’s done to YOU before you do one iota of work on your “marriage”.

It’s truly disgusting how many of us have been trampled upon by a marriage counselor who just doesn’t GET IT. I think that much of your coddling and coming from a position of weakness is from just that. 

When you feel sorry for your poor poor cheater you will get **** on. Period.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You're right that most people here will tell anyone who posts about infidelity to divorce. To be honest, most of the time divorce does seem like the best option because so few WS (and BS) are willing to do what it takes to reconcile. For the record, pretty much everyone here told me to divorce. I didn't and so far that has worked out for me (though there are still plenty of people who disagree with my decision). So divorce or reconcile, I really don't care, but you need to be smart about it.

So, first off, don't ever take the blame for her cheating. It's easier for your wife to blame you rather than take a look at herself and see that she's kind of a ****ty person. She needs to get into individual therapy to work out the reasons why she cheated in the first place, and no, it wasn't because of you. Maybe it was her escape, that wouldn't be something new, but if she doesn't fix those issues then what's stopping history from repeating itself? Nothing. Yeah she might not like going to therapy but too bad, it needs to be a requirement.

You need to start with the individual work, then work on the marriage (if there is anything left to work on at that point). So I'd suggest pausing the marriage counseling for now. I believe it took me 4 months (from D-Day) to start marriage counseling. By that point we had more to work with. Right now you're just wasting your money.

Since you have already gone to one MC session, how did that go?

I hope you can see by now that your wife is NOT remorseful. I know you want her to be, but she's not. She instantly regretted that she got caught and she may be freaked out, but based on what you wrote, I'm not seeing any remorse. If she was remorseful she would be doing everything possible to fix this, not keeping the games and apps, keeping a connection to the AP, and using excuses like "I have too much guilt and shame" to do the right thing now. WS's don't always feel instant remorse so _maybe _the remorse will kick in later, when what she has done really hits her, but that won't happen with you coddling her.

As for not trusting anything she says or does, of course you don't! You can, eventually, trust her again but that takes time (years) and a lot of work. She has proven that she cannot be trusted and she continues to act in an untrustworthy way because her words and actions don't match. She claims she wants to fix things, but what has she actually done? Not much. Words are A LOT easier than action.

Stuff like: "I really don't want to use any spyware" needs stop coming out of your mouth. You cannot trust her, so what is your other option? It's to bury your head in the sand but that will not help you and it is not reconciling. Why don't you want to use spyware? I'm guessing it's because you are scared of what you might find and/or because you don't want to have to "need" it. Too late though... it's the reality of your situation and reconciling. Unfortunately, that is something that you have to accept - and yes, it's hard.

You also said you aren't sure of her intentions (the current ones, not the cheating)... She might not be sure of them either. It's quite possible that she has no clue what she wants right now and she's just scared of losing the life she has. Another reason she needs IC. For reconciliation to work she has to be 100% in it, so do you. So she needs to figure out what she really wants.

Now is not the time for trying to understand her side of it (did the MC tell you to do that?) or for you to be patiently waiting around for her to snap out of it. Her side of it is a load of BS and the focus should be on what she can do for YOU, not the other way around. Eventually, yes, you do have to do the work from both sides but that is months down the road. Just an example, for me that "switch" didn't happen until 6-7 months after D-Day/2-3 months into (weekly) MC. She created this mess, not you, and she needs to get off her ass and fix it.

Does she answer ALL of your questions, no matter how many times you ask the same one? Has she stopped blaming you for HER actions? Can you look at her phone any time you want? Do you know ALL of her passwords? You need to put your foot down and she needs to delete any app related to cheating. There are apps that let you see everything she is doing on her phone, if she is against that why? Either she is still hiding something or her privacy is more important. I'm not saying you have to sit around monitoring her every move. I had an app on my wife's phone that let me see pretty much everything she was doing on her phone, and honestly, I think I opened it twice but she didn't know that.

You need to make it damn clear to your wife that she does the work, or you are divorcing and you NEED to be prepared to follow through with that. If she drags her feet or doesn't move at all, file. Yes, it sounds extreme but you can always stop the process later.

It's fine if you want to try and reconcile, and it's good that you want to do it "right" but you need to accept what doing it right actually means. It is NOT easy, it takes years, and there is a difference between advice being wrong, and you just not liking it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

gr8ful1 said:


> For any kind of R (reconciliation) to even have a remote shot of success, your wife must be demonstration total remorse - BY HER ACTIONS - and not merely words of “sorry”. Actions like
> 
> 100% truth
> Zero blame shifting (NO “yeah, I did this, but you did that”)
> ...


This is 100% correct. Please listen and abide


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Shrugnight said:


> *i am reading and taking in all of these replies with a grain of salt. It is obvious that most see divorce as the dominant option to choose according to the replies. I will be keeping that in mind, but will not let it stop me from giving her a chance. We have been married for 6 years. I figure i am not going to stay in limbo for much longer. I am going to give therapy a chance, and in the mean time keep my wife under a close watchful eye as far as her actions and reactions. If things dont get better then divorce is my obvious choice. Thank you all for the replies. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated in helping me to see through my blinders.*


It is up to her to earn the right of a chance at reconciliation. Seems like you are automatically "giving her a chance" and that is not the recipe for a successful reconciliation.

Her proving she deserves a chance doesn't happen overnight.... she has to be the one committed to fixing it, not you. She has to be leading the charge atone for her poor decisions (note - this was not a "mistake", it was a series of decisions).

Take a hard look at how much effort she is making to repair the damage she caused, if you standing with one foot out the door causes her to not make as much effort, then she is not committed and you know what to do.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

Where she is from? In my opinion.... she doesn't love you first place. She cheated with other man.
Just make sure she is not here for money. And used you as a benefit for her. If I were you. I would send her back.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

gr8ful1 said:


> For any kind of R (reconciliation) to even have a remote shot of success, your wife must be demonstration total remorse - BY HER ACTIONS - and not merely words of “sorry”. Actions like
> 
> 100% truth
> Zero blame shifting (NO “yeah, I did this, but you did that”)
> ...


Best advice you’ll get.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Also, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald is a good book for both of you to read.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You should look at the Don't list as well.
don’t jump into marriage counseling. She needs individual counseling.
don‘t do the infamous “pick me dance” or try nicing her back. All that does is make you look weak and unattractive.
don‘t offer reconciliation upfront.
don‘t think this is your fault. It’s on her.

Take some time to think this through.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shrugnight said:


> *i am reading and taking in all of these replies with a grain of salt. It is obvious that most see divorce as the dominant option to choose according to the replies. I will be keeping that in mind, but will not let it stop me from giving her a chance. We have been married for 6 years. I figure i am not going to stay in limbo for much longer. I am going to give therapy a chance, and in the mean time keep my wife under a close watchful eye as far as her actions and reactions. If things dont get better then divorce is my obvious choice. Thank you all for the replies. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated in helping me to see through my blinders.*


No one is prepared for these things. You'll be all over the place upfront. The more you read the better understanding you’ll get.

*Blame-shifting* is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Shrugnight said:


> *i am reading and taking in all of these replies with a grain of salt. It is obvious that most see divorce as the dominant option to choose according to the replies. I will be keeping that in mind, but will not let it stop me from giving her a chance. We have been married for 6 years. I figure i am not going to stay in limbo for much longer. I am going to give therapy a chance, and in the mean time keep my wife under a close watchful eye as far as her actions and reactions. If things dont get better then divorce is my obvious choice. Thank you all for the replies. Everyone's input is greatly appreciated in helping me to see through my blinders.*


It is your perogative to give her and your marriage a chance but I have been on this forum long enough to know that you do not rush to reconciliation with a wayward spouse. There must be consequences. From what you tell us there are none and she is not remorseful and has done nothing to prove to you she is. Give her another few years and it will be something else and she will do it again. 
You need to sort that **** out now. You are only married for a short time in the grand scheme of things.
Go scorched earth and stop pussyfooting around her. She's been lazing around, not taking care of your kid or home, there is no excuse for that. Start laying down some boundaries and yes expose everything to her parents. 
Perhaps she needs to get a job (part time) and keep herself occupied and earn some income. That way if you do divorce she is earning. Do not be a fool.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Shrugnight said:


> I am trying. We are going to councilors, i am listening to her, giving her space, trying to understand her side and what shes going through, all at the same time trying to figure out what im going through. That is the purpose of this thread. To see if anyone has advise on where to go , how to fix this, or if this can be fixed. I know that i dont know how to do this. Ive never been in this exact situation before, and there are so many variables, that i just dont know what to do. I dont need someone to tell me im not doing it right, i need someone to help me figure out how to do it right.


She should be the one apologizing and explaining why her entitlement and selfishness got you in this situation in the first place. Are you kidding me that you are rewarding her terrible behaviour with understanding her and giving her space. You my friend are on a fool's errand. She had no respect for you when you are out working a grueling hours and she will definitely have less respect for you using this approach. Stop the MC, she needs to sort out her ****ty behavior and be grateful for the opportunity that you are deciding to give her. 
You are not listening to advice on here, you clearly stated you would take them with a pinch of salt. Your wife needs consequences, you need to show some strength and set boundaries and not do this 'pick me dance.' which if you continue, you will be back on here in another few years complaining about her affair number 2. Listen to what people are telling you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Premise:

Love is a wonderful feeling.
Love is worth dying for.
Loyalty is a good virtue.
..............................................................

Love is a wonderful feeling, especially if it is reciprocated from the one you generously give it to. _Your wife has not given back the love that she should._

Love is worth dying for, but not in every case. Some people do not deserve the love that you give them. 
They simply do not earn this 'honor'.
Y_our wife is not (yet) worth living for, certainly not dying for._

Loyalty is a good virtue. Loyalty must be earned and deserving.
_Your wife has not earned your loyalty. In fact, she lost it when she cheated._
.................................................................

Give your wife a good year to become the wife you deserve.
Do NOT tell her she has a year, because she will likely give you a year of good behavior, maybe repentance.

It is your duty to be loyal and a good husband. 

It is not your duty to shape your wife's thinking process.

More than anything else she needs anti-depressive and 'maybe' anti-anxiety medicine. 

This, these, hopefully will bring her out of her slump.
They have side-effects.
Read up on them, if prescribed.

Let a proper doctor determine her needs. 
She is depressed.

Getting a job, as others have mentioned,. 
It wiil be good medicine for her. 
She needs to get away from herself and her thoughts.
.....................................................................

Thank you for being a good husband, in the face of her sad behavior.
....................................................................

After a year, if she has shown no improvement, get a divorce.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

So heres an interesting update, and i need advice on what to do. I asked her to delete all apps and emails that she could use to contact this guy. She did. This morning i went througb her phone and found a suspicious contact. After doing some digging, i found out that it is this guys fathers phone number. It was recently saved to her contacts, as it was not there a few days ago.
What do i do? Do i question her about it? Do i just file for divorce? Do i give it a few weeks and see if she contacts him? I have been off work through this whole time (3 weeks) due to bad weather, but i go back to work on monday. Should i say nothing and check phone records to see if she is going to contact him when i go back to work before confronting her or should i not waste my time in letting her completely hang herself? Wtf!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I’m curious what she put this number as in her contacts?


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m curious what she put this number as in her contacts?


Edang . His name is evan


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

Shrugnight said:


> Edang arellano. His name is evan


Not sure where she came up with the last name


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Shrugnight said:


> Not sure where she came up with the last name


So she deliberately tried to disguise his name. That means she is still actively cheating. She is lying to your face.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Shrugnight said:


> Not sure where she came up with the last name


It’s a Filipino surname. Is your WW Filipino? I hope not for your sake. 
Tell her that if she contacts him or anyone close to him you will file for divorce.
VAR the house and monitor. Meanwhile get your ducks in a row, sort out lawyer.


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

aine said:


> It’s a Filipino surname. Is your WW Filipino? I hope not for your sake.
> Tell her that if she contacts him or anyone close to him you will file for divorce.
> VAR the house and monitor. Meanwhile get your ducks in a row, sort out lawyer.


She is a filipina


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Shrugnight said:


> So heres an interesting update, and i need advice on what to do. I asked her to delete all apps and emails that she could use to contact this guy. She did. This morning i went througb her phone and found a suspicious contact. After doing some digging, i found out that it is this guys fathers phone number. It was recently saved to her contacts, as it was not there a few days ago.
> What do i do? Do i question her about it? Do i just file for divorce? Do i give it a few weeks and see if she contacts him? I have been off work through this whole time (3 weeks) due to bad weather, but i go back to work on monday. Should i say nothing and check phone records to see if she is going to contact him when i go back to work before confronting her or should i not waste my time in letting her completely hang herself? Wtf!


It doesn't matter if this is enough for anyone here. You need to think about what YOU need. 

For some people this would be enough proof that she is not remorseful and is still taking steps to cheat and (poorly) hide it. For others, they may wonder too many what if's and come up with too many excuses, so they need more proof (like checking call records or using a voice-activated recorder).

If you need more, do NOT question her about it. Let her think she has you fooled so that you can catch her. If this is enough for you and your peace of mind, then you know what to do.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shrugnight said:


> So heres an interesting update, and i need advice on what to do. I asked her to delete all apps and emails that she could use to contact this guy. She did. This morning i went througb her phone and found a suspicious contact. After doing some digging, i found out that it is this guys fathers phone number. It was recently saved to her contacts, as it was not there a few days ago.
> What do i do? Do i question her about it? Do i just file for divorce? Do i give it a few weeks and see if she contacts him? I have been off work through this whole time (3 weeks) due to bad weather, but i go back to work on monday. Should i say nothing and check phone records to see if she is going to contact him when i go back to work before confronting her or should i not waste my time in letting her completely hang herself? Wtf!


Her affair is ongoing just taking it further underground. No surprise here based on her remorseless actions.

Do you want to be a marriage warden?
It’s a thankless task.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Some get it some don’t. No magic here. It’s common not to want to let it go upfront. Ask yourself this? What do you have to work with and what are you trying to salvage? 

She’s told you and shown you what you need to know. Whether you act on that is totally up to you.

I think some of the female posters have it correct. She used you to get what she wanted and now you are disposable.


Reconciliation is tough under the best of circumstances and can take 2-5 years. You don’t have the basics .


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Shrugnight said:


> She is a filipina


At the expense of sounding like an awful person, Filipinas are well known for this kind of thing. Although family is very important to them cheating comes naturally, extra marital affairs are the norm. Cheating with married people also not a problem. If she married you for your money and you are much older than her, then you are in trouble because it will happen again. I‘m sorry. You need to go scorched earth. What about her visa etc?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Shrugnight said:


> What do i do? Do i question her about it? Do i just file for divorce? Do i give it a few weeks and see if she contacts him? I have been off work through this whole time (3 weeks) due to bad weather, but i go back to work on monday.


Lets put a little more intrigue to your story. Suppose you found out you wife was trying to hire a hit man off you. Would you stand around with you finger in your azz until the hitter made a move against you?
Here's the thing my man. Folks been telling you to set limits and boundaries on how much torture you're going to put up with from this dame. Your biggest problem, from my perspective, is you know these limits and boundaries are going to require consequences for you to. If she violates them, and lets you know ,without saying a word, to F-off, you're going to have to take action or look like a bigger schmuck than you already do. You'll either have to let her play the way she wants to play, or get a divorce.
Like it or not my man, yours, mine, or anybody else's relationship is based on realism and not fantasy. Its up to you if you want to keep rationalizing and justifying while your wife keeps bumping pubic bones with another guy. Hey, look at one option. There are a lot of guys that don't have a problem is their wives/GFs get a little on the side. I use to service a chick whose husband was deployed. She had his permission and he was willing to pick up the tab..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shrugnight said:


> So heres an interesting update, and i need advice on what to do. I asked her to delete all apps and emails that she could use to contact this guy. She did. This morning i went througb her phone and found a suspicious contact. After doing some digging, i found out that it is this guys fathers phone number. It was recently saved to her contacts, as it was not there a few days ago.
> What do i do? Do i question her about it? Do i just file for divorce? Do i give it a few weeks and see if she contacts him? I have been off work through this whole time (3 weeks) due to bad weather, but i go back to work on monday. Should i say nothing and check phone records to see if she is going to contact him when i go back to work before confronting her or should i not waste my time in letting her completely hang herself? Wtf!


Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so poorly, who doesn't love you? What kind of life do you think you will have? What does she bring to your life now?

Unfortunately in life things end, she is no longer loyal to you. She is not wife material anymore, she failed. You deserve better then this. Let her go and move on, you will have a much better life.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

The fake remorse she supposedly showed you was simply her feeling bad about being caught. She knew it would be harder for her to hide the affair, but she clearly had no attention of stopping it, just telling you she would to get you off her back.

Put a fork in it.... this marriage is done.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Throw her out! Let that OM pay for her. She wants to treats you terribly - let him support her!
She is using you.. how long are YOU gonna allow it?
Tell her to get out now!
stop being nice to her... she is ruining your life!
Move your money to your name only - or she will take ALL of what’s there!

Hurry up and help yourself! Call that number and tell them to pick her up within the hour. Pack her one bag to go. Have the locks changed as soon as she leaves!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> It’s a Filipino surname. *Is your WW Filipino? I hope not for your sake.*
> Tell her that if she contacts him or anyone close to him you will file for divorce.
> VAR the house and monitor. Meanwhile get your ducks in a row, sort out lawyer.


??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have your answer. It’s up to you what you do with it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hold off on confronting!!

Let her stretch her neck, uh, stretch her luck.

Get a *VAR and put it where she sits to talk.
Buy two, they are about 60 bucks at Best Buy.

You know she is cheating, get the goods on her so she has no wiggle room.

In the meantime get with an attorney. Don't mention the recording device to anyone.
This is for your own piece of mind, nothing else.

You need to know (in your heart) where you stand with her.
We already know, you need more convincing.

*voice activated recorder. Sony brand.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Shrugnight said:


> So heres an interesting update, and i need advice on what to do. I asked her to delete all apps and emails that she could use to contact this guy. She did. This morning i went througb her phone and found a suspicious contact. After doing some digging, i found out that it is this guys fathers phone number. It was recently saved to her contacts, as it was not there a few days ago.
> What do i do? Do i question her about it? Do i just file for divorce? Do i give it a few weeks and see if she contacts him? I have been off work through this whole time (3 weeks) due to bad weather, but i go back to work on monday. Should i say nothing and check phone records to see if she is going to contact him when i go back to work before confronting her or should i not waste my time in letting her completely hang herself? Wtf!


Please pay attention. 

1. You say nothing to her. NO-THING.
2. Find the best lawyer money can buy, one that will go hard core and have them draw up some papers immediately for divorce. Do everything they tell you to do. 
3. Do the 180. Immediately. 
4. Does your wife have a temper? Has she ever gone psycho? You better get a VAR or keep your phone on record in your pocket, guys like you tend to get accused of abuse. If she senses her $$$ train is about to dry up... you can talk to your lawyer about the legalities in your state. 

5. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. You need to get as much custody of your kid as possible here and make sure she doesn’t try to mess with that. 

6. In the mean time do not give any behavior or reason to bring your character under scrutiny in court. No fighting. No yelling. No drinking. No going out. No dating. No drugs. Be the best father you can and keep your head on straight. 


Do I believe you have a chance at reconciliation? Honestly no. She’s not reconciliation material however... if you still need to know and “try”, your actions are EXACTLY THE SAME as getting prepared for a divorce. It’s HER behaviors that will determine if she is reconciliation material not what YOU do for her. 

Are you listening to us? It’s time to go to war. But you do so strategically.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> If you really value that relationship of yours, you will take a time off your work, drop your son with her mother, plan an impromptu road trip or vacation where you guys will drop your phones and focus on yourselves and improving your relationship. Spend probably a whole week together, talking, reminiscing old time and events, eating, playing, listening to music, dancing, doing things you've always had in mind to do together, staying off your phone and social media, etc.


This is terrible advice for this couple, with where they are right now. Down the road (if they reconcile) then sure but right now? Definitely not.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> I believe this is a very bad idea, you should be giving advice that can help them mend their home, not the one that will break the home.


The home is already broken...


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iProposeSolutions said:


> I believe this is a very bad idea, you should be giving advice that can help them mend their home, not the one that will break the home.


That IS advice to mend the home.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iProposeSolutions said:


> As a woman, I want to make you understand one thing -- "when a woman really loves you, then she really loves you." What I see here is a good man losing the woman of his dreams, who he really values and care about. It's terrible that she had an affair with a stranger, but she has made things clear on what was lacking in that relationship and what caused her to have the affair. If you really value that relationship of yours, you will take a time off your work, drop your son with her mother, plan an impromptu road trip or vacation where you guys will drop your phones and focus on yourselves and improving your relationship. Spend probably a whole week together, talking, reminiscing old time and events, eating, playing, listening to music, dancing, doing things you've always had in mind to do together, staying off your phone and social media, etc.
> 
> With this, you build that bond you've had in the past, you'll be able to mend the broken trust, cos some of her actions are as a result of that. In a nutshell, you have to be deliberate about fixing things. Make her understand how much you love her and how much you really want things to work out between you two. Remind her the fact that your lives are incomplete without each other, making reference to the amazing son you have together. Doing these things, you'll be shocked at the rate at which she'll change and how committed she will be to you and your family.
> 
> I wish you good luck in mending your home!


The relationship does NOT CAUSE PEOPLE TO CHEAT.

Have you ever been cheated on?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Shrugnight said:


> I think you are spot on here. My question is, what do you think i should do? Thats what im just not sure about yet.


First off make her get a job.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

iProposeSolutions said:


> I believe this is a very bad idea, you should be giving advice that can help them mend their home, not the one that will break the home.


And what planet are you from?

You can never nice your way back to a cheating spouse.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

iProposeSolutions said:


> As a woman, I want to make you understand one thing -- "when a woman really loves you, then she really loves you." What I see here is a good man losing the woman of his dreams, who he really values and care about. It's terrible that she had an affair with a stranger, but she has made things clear on what was lacking in that relationship and what caused her to have the affair. If you really value that relationship of yours, you will take a time off your work, drop your son with her mother, plan an impromptu road trip or vacation where you guys will drop your phones and focus on yourselves and improving your relationship. Spend probably a whole week together, talking, reminiscing old time and events, eating, playing, listening to music, dancing, doing things you've always had in mind to do together, staying off your phone and social media, etc.
> 
> With this, you build that bond you've had in the past, you'll be able to mend the broken trust, cos some of her actions are as a result of that. In a nutshell, you have to be deliberate about fixing things. Make her understand how much you love her and how much you really want things to work out between you two. Remind her the fact that your lives are incomplete without each other, making reference to the amazing son you have together. Doing these things, you'll be shocked at the rate at which she'll change and how committed she will be to you and your family.
> 
> I wish you good luck in mending your home!


You think he should reward her for continuing to cheat and lie. That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard of.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> The idea is for them to actually reconcile. If the man didn't think of fighting for the relationship, he'd have decided to end things already. Before reconciliation can take place, both parties need to agree that they've erred, admit that they both need each other, then proceed from there.
> 
> If I were to be in such position, this would be my approach.


Have you ever been in this position?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> The idea is for them to actually reconcile. If the man didn't think of fighting for the relationship, he'd have decided to end things already. Before reconciliation can take place, both parties need to agree that they've erred, admit that they both need each other, then proceed from there.
> 
> If I were to be in such position, this would be my approach.


Oh trust me, I know what is needed to reconcile. I've been doing it for 2 years. Your method will not work, and is based on nothing other than what you think you'd want. Said method is also based on blaming the betrayed spouse for the affair.

"People make compromises for people they love -- in this case, he'll have to do something to rekindle the love they had from the start."

Yes, people make compromises but the wife is the one who needs to be repairing what SHE broke. 



iProposeSolutions said:


> Not exactly, but I've found myself in a situation close to this.


No, you haven't. You said that you've never been cheated on. End of story.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> Not exactly, but I've found myself in a situation close to this.


Close doesn’t compare.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> `Lol. We agree to disagree!
> 
> The truth is I'm not trying to vindicate or absolve her of her wrongdoings, I'm just of the idea that even when she's not been making substantial effort to mend the home, the man should try a different approach.


You can "nice" your spouse back from some things, but infidelity isn't one of them.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> `Lol. We agree to disagree!
> 
> The truth is I'm not trying to vindicate or absolve her of her wrongdoings, I'm just of the idea that even when she's not been making substantial effort to mend the home, the man should try a different approach.


So she can cheat and behave badly afterwards and it’s his issue to fix?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> I agree with you. That doesn't necessarily mean I can't propose a solution I deem fit to their situation.
> 
> Have you been in such situation?


So what is your solution?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

iProposeSolutions said:


> I believe this is a very bad idea, you should be giving advice that can help them mend their home, not the one that will break the home.


There is NO chance of “mending” any marriage when one spouse is clearly spending time and energy during an affair!

IF she willingly was doing everything in her power to stop the affair and ONLY repair the damage within the marriage SHE CAUSED - then it may work.

but certainly not a chance while she is still focused on her OM.

he has no choice but to protect himself by ending the marriage - as it stands.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iProposeSolutions said:


> That's not my point exactly.
> 
> There is a problem at hand which requires a solution, the man has tried multiple solutions that didn't work out. What I'm saying is that he should at least try a different approach before giving up.
> 
> Does it make sense?


Not at all and it just shows you have no idea what you are talking about. Makes sense?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

The debate on this thread stops now. If you wish to debate it further, start a new thread. 

That said, whether we agree with the advice or not has no bearing on whether or not it's allowed to be posted.

It's up to the OP to determine what advice he wants to follow.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ABHale said:


> And what planet are you from?
> 
> You can never nice your way back to a cheating spouse.


Amen!


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## Shrugnight (Feb 11, 2021)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Amen!


I just want to say that this thread has greatly helped me understand the logistics of my situation. I now feel as though i completely understand where i am and where i need to go. That is what i was looking for when i wrote this thread. I would like to say thank you for all that took the time to help me. I am forever grateful.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Sir, be strong. Be inflexible, and do not take any ********. Women respect strength, not wimpiness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Women respect strength, not wimpiness.


Aye! I concur.

Know that, strength alone will not earn, or regain any love that is no longer present (if ever).

This self-hardening is for Shrugnight's own well-being, not for his wayward wife's, sake of meaning.


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