# Marriage help



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

I have been married for over a year. We were happy, and when my husband would come home he would greet me with Hello and a hug. He was all over me, kissing, snuggling, all the good stuff. As time went on he moved his mother in with us, she does not need care, he moved her in with the intention of her moving out in a few weeks or months to assisted living. I was OK with this. I moved from a very large city to this small town to live with my husband and finding jobs is scarce and hard here economically but I've worked every Temp job thrown at me. You can't get work unless you use a temp. Eleven months later my mother in law is still living with us, she hasn't tried but one place to move to. My major problem is my husband had lots of bills, some I know about, some I don't and he's constantly in debt. I pay rent, electric and groceries and he pays his bills that are prior to meeting me. I'm struggling keeping a roof over our head. So at night in the beginning we made a promise to go to be together and snuggle and kiss each other goodnight! This went on for over a year, even with mom in the house but the problem is now he carries his cell phone to bed and when I try to snuggle him to kiss him good night he pushes me away, tells me....don't touch me....then goes into ranting that I'm trying to control him! I'm not trying to control him, I just want our goodnight ritual of a kiss and a brief snuggle good night like we have always done. He was the one 2 months ago that couldn't get enough of me, now I'm accused of controlling him? He's the boss in this family and yes when he comes home from work he doesn't acknowledge me, but sits down and talks to his mommy. I try to hug him, he pushes me away... His words are... I'm busy or you're bothering me. Yes before this started, I was working 10 hours a day 7 days a week and it made him and his mom get closer. I will cook, and he will fix her a plate and ignore me. After we eat, he's right back on his cell phone, and I'm sitting there alone watching TV. I want my husband back, I tried talking to him, but he refuses to talk. We were so happy 2 moths again, traveling, staying at motels to get away romantically from his mom and just having a good time and then wham! We are home and he's a different person. My landlord said she sees the difference on how he treats me and that his mother being with us can't be good on our marriage. PLEASE ADVISE...I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! 

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Ask them point blank, what are the MIL plans? When she is moving out. 

Take a look at the H's phone to see what he is doing there. When last you guys had sex?


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would be concerned with what he is doing on his phone too. Sounds like he made a pretty drastic change all of a sudden. How is his mental and physical health and are you seeing a change in his behaviour to anyone else or just you? I think your best bet is to sit him down and tell him your not happy with the way things are going. Make sure to ask if he has issues with you that you could fix so he does not feel like you are attacking him. He needs to know you're not happy and things need to change. If he knows this and still makes no changes than you need to decide if you want to be in a marriage like this.


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Ask them point blank, what are the MIL plans? When she is moving out.
> 
> Take a look at the H's phone to see what he is doing there. When last you guys had sex?


He says his mom can stay as long as she needs too. She's convinced him she can't live alone so 2 doctors evaluated her and said she can live alone. She just lays around on couch all day, take pain pills and whines for my husbands attention. 

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would be concerned with what he is doing on his phone too. Sounds like he made a pretty drastic change all of a sudden. How is his mental and physical health and are you seeing a change in his behaviour to anyone else or just you? I think your best bet is to sit him down and tell him your not happy with the way things are going. Make sure to ask if he has issues with you that you could fix so he does not feel like you are attacking him. He needs to know you're not happy and things need to change. If he knows this and still makes no changes than you need to decide if you want to be in a marriage like this.


I have asked him if he has issues, he says he loves me by text from work but when we go to bed, his phone is always in his hands and he's chatting up to 11:00 at night and this is when he pushes me away, tells me I'm trying to control him by getting a kiss, he said he doesn't want me to leave, cause I can't go on like this.....but rejection hurts. His mom wants me out so he can take care of her...I know it's sickening. We don't even kiss or touch during the day and now I'm begging at night for a good nite kiss.

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

pattycake800 said:


> He says his mom can stay as long as she needs too. She's convinced him she can't live alone so 2 doctors evaluated her and said she can live alone. She just lays around on couch all day, take pain pills and whines for my husbands attention.
> 
> Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


Also he keeps his phone on him even in bathroom so I can't see what's on it.

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your first order of business is to find out who the hell he is chatting with til 11 at night and deems to be more important than you. Second is to find out if he plans to let mom live there forever. If so, then you have a decision to make. You are very early into this marriage, and to be having this kind of issue already does not bode well for the next 30 years.


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

pattycake800 said:


> Also he keeps his phone on him even in bathroom so I can't see what's on it.
> 
> Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk



This to me does not sound normal at all. No one takes their phone into the bathroom with them unless they are trying to hide something. I would ask him point blank that you want to look through his phone. It may be an invasion of his privacy but if he has nothing to hide he'll hand it over. If he refuses and gets defensive then I think you have your answer that something is going on.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP, this does not sound good. 

Is there any way for you to see your husband's phone...? Doesn't sound like it but maybe you need to get an app or program so you can see what he's doing. Google "teensafe" phone app...they have a way to see your H's phone texts, etc. and not too expensive. 

Something has to give here. He is being very disrespectful of you by basically ignoring the fact that you exist. You also need to know about HIS bills, debt, etc. Too many secrets here and not good for a healthy relationship. Your finances should be an open book between you two...that is what marriage is about. If he has debt...it directly IMPACTS you...you need to know about it. You are working too...so his money is your money and vice versa. It's like a business partnership.

Your MIL living with you when you only been married for a year or so is another stress you do not need!! :-(


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is there a red flag here?

Oh, just a few...










You need to investigate what the heck is going on.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

pattycake800 said:


> He's the boss in this family and yes when he comes home from work he doesn't acknowledge me, but sits down and talks to his mommy. I try to hug him, he pushes me away... His words are... I'm busy or you're bothering me. Yes before this started, I was working 10 hours a day 7 days a week and it made him and his mom get closer. I will cook, and he will fix her a plate and ignore me. After we eat, he's right back on his cell phone, and I'm sitting there alone watching TV. I want my husband back, I tried talking to him, but he refuses to talk. We were so happy 2 moths again, traveling, staying at motels to get away romantically from his mom and just having a good time and then wham! We are home and he's a different person. My landlord said she sees the difference on how he treats me and that his mother being with us can't be good on our marriage. PLEASE ADVISE...I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!


LOL...he's the 'boss,' is he? He sounds like he needed someone to come move in with him and pay the bills because he was swimming in debt.

Now that you're not the chief breadwinner anymore and he doesn't get to use *your* hard-earned money to go to hotels and have weekend getaways, he suddenly wants nothing to do with you. What a freakin' USER.

Don't you *SEE *how you're being used? The second the money dried up, the user all of a sudden has NO use for you.

Why anyone would find this creep appealing and cling like grim death to him is simply beyond me.

Who this ass is cheating on you with is the *least *of your worries. Getting the hell out of this* slave* relationship should be your REAL top priority.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your first order of business is to find out who the hell he is chatting with til 11 at night and deems to be more important than you. Second is to find out if he plans to let mom live there forever. If so, then you have a decision to make. You are very early into this marriage, and to be having this kind of issue already does not bode well for the next 30 years.


Or even the next 30 days, sadly. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I am a big advocate of saving marriages. Unfortunately, it almost seems like the very best thing that could happen is for you to catch him cheating and get a divorce. Move back to the city and leave him to his debt and his mommy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

pattycake800 said:


> PLEASE ADVISE...I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!


That's easy. He married you to fix his money problems. And, the good wife that you are, you did.

That is now your role; he has his mommy there for everything else, aside from sex.

Ready to annul the marriage yet?


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

Yes, everything that's being said is true, I told him I'm gonna leave if things don't change but I'm a fool to think it will change.

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I would be concerned with what he is doing on his phone too. Sounds like he made a pretty drastic change all of a sudden. How is his mental and physical health and are you seeing a change in his behaviour to anyone else or just you? I think your best bet is to sit him down and tell him your not happy with the way things are going. Make sure to ask if he has issues with you that you could fix so he does not feel like you are attacking him. He needs to know you're not happy and things need to change. If he knows this and still makes no changes than you need to decide if you want to be in a marriage like this.


Update: I tried talking to him and asking is there something wrong that I'm doing and how can I fix it, so he turned it around and said it was me that had the problem, he accused me of so many things, from mad at me cause I got sick from arsenic in my urine to why are you constantly asking me questions and I told him getting arsenic poisioning wasn't my fault, the Dr's don't even know how it happened and he says everything I turn around I'm sick, there is mold in our house from broken water pipes so I wake up with headaches, puffy face, coughing and he claims it's no big deal. When I'm away from the house I don't feel symptoms, but as soon as I'm in the bedroom where there's mold growing cause I saw it when the plumber fixed the broken water pipes. He said last night I had no right to feel sick when he and his mom weren't but she has constantly gone to Dr for running nose and sinus problem, vomiting too but this symptoms of mine are not allowed. He said I love you but I don't feel anything emotionally, and it's not you I just have money problems. Well I've been busting my butt every day out looking for a job, doors just are not opening, the economy here is awful. But he managed to turn all the things he's doing to me as my fault and that I'm sick too much. Today he's going to a friend's house to fix his computer, we've always gone together but he says it's too far to drive home and pick you up so I'm going alone. The truth is he's wanting to talk to Jerry about me, but Jerry noticed last week that I look sick through the eyes and told my husband she looks like she needs a doctor, she's not looking good. Sad thing is Jerry overheard my husband yelling at me outside in his yard, see Jerrys wife died suddenly, she had minor symptoms, went to Dr and they said die was dying. My husband tells everyone behind my back that I'm doing things to him. Well yeah I am, as I told my husband I just need a hug or kiss every now and then like it use to be but now it's turned into a battle just to touch you.

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Mom" being there without a proactive gameplan in place is quite bad enough!

But when hubby is openly predicating an EA(and quite possibly a PA) with that playing out, you have every right to call a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with him.

Any refusal to do so on his part, and you should be on the first plane out of there! You deserve far, far, better out of a "spouse!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Pack your bag and leave that house right now. The house and the marriage will kill you.

Please tell me his debts are still in his name and his name alone.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

"He said I love you but I don't feel anything emotionally"

OP, this is going nowhere fast. At this point, I have to ask you, why are you with this man? He obviously cares only about himself (oh yeah, and his mom). You are not even in his radar. He is dismissing your health concerns, dismissing your equality in the marriage, denying you access to his secret debt that may affect you as well. 

Get some individual counseling to get the strength to leave his A$$. And yes....PLEASE find out about his debt...so you do not get saddled with that too. You can run a credit report for free, once a quarter and it will not hurt your credit score. Google it. I would be running a credit report on him asap and making plans to leave. You deserve better than this. Let him go mistreat someone else, or live with his mom.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is disgusting treatment, you need to get out of that house and this marriage. Be thankful you didn't put more years into this (and children!) before he showed you his true colors. I'm so sorry!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some men marry expecting to continue having fun with a great woman on their arm, and then reality hits, and they can't hack it. You're not supposed to get sick. You're not supposed to question him or expect anything of him. You're supposed to support HIM, not the other way around.

Unfortunately, you just got one of those duds.

LEAVE.


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

KillerClown said:


> Pack your bag and leave that house right now. The house and the marriage will kill you.
> 
> Please tell me his debts are still in his name and his name alone.


The debts are in his name only. He had them before we married but I didn't know about them

Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

pattycake800 said:


> The debts are in his name only. He had them before we married but I didn't know about them
> 
> Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


Good. You are free to leave right now. 

Even the greatest husband in the world is not worth arsenic poisoning. HE IS NOT THE GREATEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD. HE IS NOT WORTH DYING FOR.

Pack up and leave the house now while you still can. I know you asked for marriage help and I'm very sorry I can't help you but you have no marriage to save. You can only save yourself. Please do it now.


----------



## pattycake800 (Aug 26, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *"Mom" being there without a proactive gameplan in place is quite bad enough!
> 
> But when hubby is openly predicating an EA(and quite possibly a PA) with that playing out, you have every right to call a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with him.
> 
> ...


Please explain EA and PA


pattycake800 said:


> Update: I tried talking to him and asking is there something wrong that I'm doing and how can I fix it, so he turned it around and said it was me that had the problem, he accused me of so many things, from mad at me cause I got sick from arsenic in my urine to why are you constantly asking me questions and I told him getting arsenic poisioning wasn't my fault, the Dr's don't even know how it happened and he says everything I turn around I'm sick, there is mold in our house from broken water pipes so I wake up with headaches, puffy face, coughing and he claims it's no big deal. When I'm away from the house I don't feel symptoms, but as soon as I'm in the bedroom where there's mold growing cause I saw it when the plumber fixed the broken water pipes. He said last night I had no right to feel sick when he and his mom weren't but she has constantly gone to Dr for running nose and sinus problem, vomiting too but this symptoms of mine are not allowed. He said I love you but I don't feel anything emotionally, and it's not you I just have money problems. Well I've been busting my butt every day out looking for a job, doors just are not opening, the economy here is awful. But he managed to turn all the things he's doing to me as my fault and that I'm sick too much. Today he's going to a friend's house to fix his computer, we've always gone together but he says it's too far to drive home and pick you up so I'm going alone. The truth is he's wanting to talk to Jerry about me, but Jerry noticed last week that I look sick through the eyes and told my husband she looks like she needs a doctor, she's not looking good. Sad thing is Jerry overheard my husband yelling at me outside in his yard, see Jerrys wife died suddenly, she had minor symptoms, went to Dr and they said die was dying. My husband tells everyone behind my back that I'm doing things to him. Well yeah I am, as I told my husband I just need a hug or kiss every now and then like it use to be but now it's turned into a battle just to touch you.
> 
> Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk



Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

pattycake800 said:


> Please explain EA and PA
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my C6833 using Tapatalk


*Sans your spouse: EA = Emotional Affair

PA = Physical Affair, aka "Going All The Way!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I have to say I agree with everyone else. Pack your bags and leave. Sometimes a marriage is just not going to work. It sucks and it's hard to come to terms with but better now then in 10 years from now when you are a shell of your former self as your husband has sucked all the life out of you. Leave now while you are still young enough to start again. There are decent men out there and in time you will find one.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Just about everyone in this thread has *clearly* told you he's a loser and you're being used. And unbelievably, your latest post describes how you asked HIM to tell you what _*you're*_ doing wrong and how YOU can fix it, and you complain that you just want a kiss and hug from him.

Seriously?

So, you're choosing to be a volunteer and choosing to continue to degrade and disrespect yourself, jumping around like a trained seal hoping for his approval and a pat on the head from him. He must have some hidden talents or a body part made of 24 carat gold because NOTHING you've said about him is even *remotely* appealing. Not ONE single thing.

So, I'll just wish you good luck and suggest maybe you do some reading on Co-dependency. I, for one, in good conscience would never try to encourage you to stay with this assclown and I don't think anyone else here will, either.


----------

