# how do we move forward



## lillylove (Nov 21, 2007)

Hello all,
Just looking for some thoughts on my current situation. Will try to make it short......have been married to my husband for 4 years, just celebrated the 4th year together. He suffers from depression, which affects his sex drive, of course I knew all of this when we met and got married. I have issues with intimacy, showing my feelings to him, letting him know that I need him.

we have seen a therapist for both issues and it seemed to work for awhile, then we fell back into a rut. I have been the one in the past to say I wasn't happy, I wanted out, we always seem to work it out. Well, two weeks ago my husband came to me and said he wanted to leave. I was shocked, just blown away. He said he wanted to leave because he felt that I didn't love him and he had been lonley. He had come this decision of leaving me about a month ago. What he hadn't expected was that I would tell him that I indeed did love him and did want him in my life. after hearing this from me, he made the decision to stay and see if we could work things out.

he has gotten on new meds, his sex drive is way up (he is new man I swear!) my question is how do I move forward without thinking that anytime I do something wrong he is going to leave me?

I have been crying non stop, taking herbal anxiety meds and just bascially feeling sick to my stomach.....if anyone could offer me advice I sure would appreciate it......


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I see two issues here the first is control. You have always been in control of the relationship and threated out when you wanted it making him prove he would work at it and proving to you that he loves you. It is hard for you to lose that control and you feel insecure about it.

The second issue is communications. The two of you lack communication.

I.) Communication~ An Open line of communication can build a great relationship, keep it moving or repair it when there is damage to it. In my view there is nothing more important then being able to talk to your partner about every thing. By communicating I know my wife what she wants and what she expects. The lack of communication almost lost a great thing. The ability to communicate not only saved it but strengthened us.

A.) Listen~ A part of communication has to be the ability to listen. No one wants to spill their heart out if the other person isn’t listening or just paying lip service.

1.) Boundaries~ Listen to what your partner thinks as far as limits. Is hugging okay, how about dancing with someone else? Knowing where your boundaries are can keep you from having to repair a relationship.

B.) Acceptance~ You have to be able to accept what you are being told from your partner. Saying you do doesn’t help if you can’t or refuse to use the information.

C.) Sharing~ You must be willing to share the good and the bad of the day or even your dreams to communicate well.

D.) Conflict Resolution~ Use communication to solve your problems. Most arguments are not because people disagree but rather they can’t or will not compromise or they can’t understand what the other wants. Arguing is the worst form of talking because things not meant to be said are out of anger and most arguments would not happen if there was good communication.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322-relationship-thesis.html

draconis


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

There hasn't been enough time for you to adjust to the changes. I suggest you avoid thinking about when, and get on with the "how" part of your newly found direction.

Ether one of you could have called it quits in the past so nothing has actually changed in that arena. Focusing on those moments when things are going well is your best innoculation against the anxiety you are starting to build.

There will never be any guarantees, so it's best that you prepare as much as one can, for the uncertain future. This should ease your anxiety and free you to enjoy each moment as it comes.


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## lillylove (Nov 21, 2007)

everything you said is true, I need to focus on the now and that not what if.....as you said there is no guarantee that this will all work out, I guess I just have to have some faith and move forward, express to my husband just how much he means to me and hope for the best.

thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it


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## Tag (Dec 1, 2007)

Live for today and not for tomorrow. If you take it easy with the present and be cool, you'll do ok. Too much unwanted stress can really ruin your just improved relationship. You dont want that to screw it up again.


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