# I think I'm done with this relationship after 5 months of trying to reconcile.



## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

This is my second time sharing. The first time was after I found out on dday February 22 2015, that the mother of my 2 daughters had been having an affair with a manager (not her manager) at work for at least the last 2 years. She'll only admit that it went on for about 20 months, it started after she went back to work after the death of our son, and because that's as far back that I can prove. 
We've been together for about 7 years and have had our ups and downs just like any couple. We've also had our fare share of tragedy too. We lost our son 1 week before he was due a few years back. Then our very next child, who was born 1 year after losing our son, was sent to emergency room because of her babysitter. 
I had a gut feeling as far back as 2010 that she was having PA but I could only find evidence of her having cyber affairs with strangers and sexting w/her ex, who lived 2 hours away only. After I caught her, she swore "that was all" she was doing. That there was no PA with anyone and that she would never do it again. But I always felt in the back of my mind that I missed something. That I missed evidence of a PA, but I messed up and told her how I found out. So she wised up.
Every so often she would act a little strange. She doesn't drive so I have to pick her up from work. So while waiting for her, her co workers would ask me how I put up with her and deal with her, w/o giving me specifics as to why they said that. All they would say is they heard things, but that's all. They wouldn't say what they heard or what they meant. So of course I would bring it up to her and not tell her who said it. She would always say the same thing... I don't know what they're talking about...
Since I work 12 hours a day and have 2 kids I don't have time to sit there and monitor every little thing she did. So I would just drop the subject and move on with our lives.
But every so often she would bring up this managers name a lot for no reason, so I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was going on between them. But it was always the same answer, "NO,Stop asking if we're having an affair " 
Fast forward a few years when we have the service for our deceased son, he shows up. I thought it was odd but I was a mess and still had my wife and our oldest daughter to care for. And besides there were other fellow co workers from her job there too. But he just didn't fit in because he didn't hang out with those co workers or us.
When she went back to work after our son passed the OM'S name just kept coming out her mouth everyday. In every conversation she would mention the OM. Knowing we had just lost our son I tried not pick fights with her. But it didn't sit right with me that he was her shoulder to cry on, her sympathetic ear she could talk to. She wanted to get pregnant again immediately, but wouldn't really allow me to touch, hold or caress her. But still She got pregnant about 4 months after our son passed. But she wasn't as excited for this pregnancy as she was the previous. She seemed distant and cold. But I took it as her being nervous considering what our family had just gone thru. During the next year or so after we found out she was pregnant, up until 4 or months after our youngest daughter was born, we were only intimate maybe 2-3 times total. 
When our youngest was only 6 months old, October 2014, she was hurt by her babysitter while we were both at work. When we got the phone call it shook us to our core. We rushed to the ER and we're asked multiple questions. And we're told CPS and LAW ENFORCEMENT were going to get involved and we were suspected of hurting our own daughter. So we went through that whole ordeal 18 months after our loss of our son. The babysitter admitted to it a week later, but the damage had been done. I ended up working longer hours in order to support our family while my wife took our youngest to 3-4 appointments a week. But there were 3 specific days a week that she wouldn't take off from work. No matter what. 
I would ask her and tell her things, but she would always say there was no one to cover her at work or she had a big event she had to prepare for. So all appointments, plans, trips etc...had to be worked around these 3 specific days. 
So in February 2015 I had had enough and did some investigation work and found out that she indeed had been having an PA w/the OM like I had thought. And those 3 specific days were the days that they worked together and had been doing there thing while on the clock.
It's been about 5 months since DD and we've done the whole CT and PT thing. We've had more physical relations in the last 5 months then we had in the last 3 years combined. We're communicating more etc... But when D-DAY came I asked a ton of questions. And got a lot of honest answers. I asked she had given him oral and she said yes(she supposedly really hated doing it before him, because I would have to beg)...I asked her if she swallowed and she said yes (she always said she supposedly had never done it before either. Because I begged for years and never had it done). I asked if she gave him her butt**** and she said NO. But in an unconvincing way. And I remember a few times when she came home and she complained of it hurt for no reason. I asked if she had given him oral and had sex with him on the day our daughter was rushed to the hospital and she didn't say anything. She just put her head down and cried, which I took as a YES. 
And I just can't get over that. That even after our daughter was rushed to the hospital and has permanent injuries, she couldn't stop herself from seeing this guy. It took me finding out and confronting her to stop.i confronted the OM too and he just cried and swore they "only" did twice. The only thing that they both agreed on was that my wife put in all the work. He never put in one ounce of effort. He would just show up to work and get paid to have sex with my wife from time to time, if the mood hit her. She says she hated herself after every time but she was addicted to the hi she got from the affair. She swears she didn't enjoy it, that she hated herself, that she never orgasmed with him. She admitted to being the one who brought the subject up when it 1st started, she admitted to offering herself up to him for nothing. They both said that he would finish pull his pants and go back work. He never told thank you, never gave her compliments, never asked for it. 
I think I'm done with my marriage because I can't deal with the fact that our baby was hurt and her "high" was more important to her than anything else. Also that she did things with the OM that she would never do with me. We're really working on our relationship, but I just don't no. Our marriage counselor, my private therapist and even my personal dr. (I had a nervous breakdown on dday) implore me to do everything possible to make it work. But I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to get a DNA test, I don't want to pay alimony and child support if we divorce.
I still love and find her attractive. But sometimes I look at her and hate her. I can't stand when she wants to argue about dumb things as if everything is ok. It's 50/50 right now we there I stay or go. I'm just at a loss. I know she hasn't had contact with the OM and I know she's sincere in her efforts to repair us. But it might be to late..


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## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=252441 here's the link to my 1st post. Which goes into more specifics about our situation.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Whether or not to continue is something only you can decide. The knowing about your youngest daughter is, again, something you must choose. Without a genuine epiphany, your wife will never be truly devoted to her marriage and family. There must be an awaking wherein she realizes there are more important things in life than her. Right now she does not know this and places herself above everything else. You will never be able to find happiness with her unless she comes to this realization, if she even has the ability.

If she is indeed sincere then she will be willing to do anything and everything to save her marriage, move heaven and earth and be truly contrite. If you do not see profound evidence of this, then she is playing you and waiting for the waters to smooth so that she can seek out her next A. R takes a lot of effort and both parties to be 100% committed, anything less is doomed to failure. I sincerely regret your having to endure the trials you've been through and then DDay. Be strong for your children and give yourself enough time to make a decision based on fact and not emotion. I wish you good fortune.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Poly will get the answers from her. 2 times huh? Get it all in writing and go to HR and get his ass fired. If they do not she needs to leave work and get another job elsewhere. Since 2010....I'd be done!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

No need to fear a DNS test. They are cheap painless and private. 

Spend a few minutes on Google for at home paternity tests and you will have several options. You can also buy a kit at most drug stores and send the swab in to a lab for testing. 

You do not need the mother to participate. It is better if she does but not required. The results cannot be used in court when a sit kit is used but it will answer your question. 

In addition to paternity testing also get tested for stds. Protect your health. 

For me, I would be done and would file. This is no way to live.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

2monkeys said:


> My wife took our youngest to 3-4 appointments a week. But there were 3 specific days a week that she wouldn't take off from work.
> 
> She admitted to being the one who brought the subject up when it 1st started, she admitted to offering herself up to him for nothing. They both said that he would finish pull his pants and go back work. He never told thank you, never gave her compliments, never asked for it.


So she couldn’t take your kid to the doctor because she had to give the OM a BJ. That by itself would be a deal breaker for me.



2monkeys said:


> Fast forward a few years when we have the service for our deceased son, he shows up. I thought it was odd but I was a mess and still had my wife and our oldest daughter to care for. And besides there were other fellow co workers from her job there too. But he just didn't fit in because he didn't hang out with those co workers or us.
> 
> But still she got pregnant about 4 months after our son passed. *But she wasn't as excited for this pregnancy as she was the previous*.


Could it be that the son was the OM’s and the daughter is yours? Your wife is sexually submissive. Look it up.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I agree. get the DNA test.

Her past behavior is the best prediction of her future behavior.

She does not respect you. 

Go see an attorney to find out about your options.

I would think that I would be 100% for telling her to go not just 50/50.

How would she feel if you had an A?

Has she answered that? Has she been tested for stds? and does she know that her new boyfriends could harm her child?

She is not sorry enough and she can't stop.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You know in your gut that things are not going to change. I think you have already made up your mind. You don't need us to tell you what you need to do.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Graywolf2 said:


> Your wife is sexually submissive.


I don't think that you should stay with your wife but if you do consider treating her like the OM did. She may get off on it. Just drop you pants and demand a BJ, etc.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Show yourself and your children some respect and divorce your cheating wife. It will take years off your life if you stay with her, and the years you're alive and with her, you will be torturing yourself. It will ultimately be better for your children as well.

I agree on the paternity test.

So sorry you're going through this. She unilaterally destroyed your life. She sounds utterly toxic.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

Wow just wow. I'm sorry for you loss and then on top of it your wife's actions. I don't know how you put up with it for so long. Man I would have divorced her so quick. And not surprising she did more stuff to him she wouldn't do for you that's common. 

I say divorce her now....tell her you are and that she can go back to the guy who is probably the father of your youngest kid.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I wouldn't be mean to her I would sit her down and be honest and tell her I may have been able to forgive you for the PA, may have been able to forgive you for doing stuff to him you would never do with me......but I cannot and will not forgive or be with a woman whos kid was hurt and needed her mom but she would rather blow her lover than be there for her kid.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

DNA the kids and D her ass off. Absolutely nothing to think.


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

I think you are right to walk away and get a divorce , its always tough with kids involved but i cant see how you can forgive or trust your wife again .Its ****ed up the way she behaved , has the counselling helped .


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

I feel disgusted just be reading it...How are you still with this woman and having sex with her for the last 5 months ? Why do you hate yourself so much ? She seems to be a serial cheater and liar. And it wasn't even the first time. 


This is one of those situations where divorce should be the only option. Report thee OM and your wife at work...And tell the manager's wife


What a useless coward...He cried when you confronted him ? It is very likely one of the kids was his. Get your children DNA tested.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

The other posters are right.

DNA test the kids ASAP.

I read your other thread and didn't see that you had exposed this POS to his BW, though you were considering it.

Do it ASAP.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

How have you not divorced already? You should have filed ages ago. Your wife has disrespected you and treated you and the marriage horribly.



2monkeys said:


> It's been about 5 months since DD and we've done the whole CT and PT thing. *We've had more physical relations in the last 5 months then we had in the last 3 years combined.* We're communicating more etc...


This is known as Hysterical Bonding. It's pretty common after the discovery of an affair. It usually lasts anywhere from a few days to a few months but ultimately, it passes. The shock wears off and you're able to truly think about the affair and process it.

I'm not sure if you're brave enough for the DNA test, only you can decide that, but as others have mentioned, there are benefits to knowing. Not just the financial implications, but also the peace of mind and certainty of knowing for sure one way or the other.

She may no longer be in contact with her he-mistress, but she did have an affair with him for at least two years. She may appear sincere but she knows that she has no future with him because he has no interest in a serious relationship with her.

It seems that your wife has experienced little (if any) consequences for her affair. No consequences means she has no motivation to not repeat this behaviour in the future, and if she does she will be better at hiding it or end up just leaving you. The lack of true remorse she has failed to express and demonstrate are indicative of her not feeling guilt or regret for what she has done.

You are not wrong to feel the way you do. You should move on. See a lawyer and file for divorce. Take care of your psychological and physical well-being: exercise regularly, eat healthy, sleep a good number of hours each day, take up a hobby or interest, be social, go out and surround yourself with friends and family. It'll take a while for you to get through this but you will be patient with yourself.

Oh, your private therapist and personal doctor are morons.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You went well beyond being fair about this and so far have got little or nothing from her. The affair in itself is bad enough and it doesn't matter what she did or didn't do in bed with him, it's still an affair, not to mention the sexting with strangers.

But her actions with the episode with your daughter being hurt and she has to have her affair above everything else is unacceptable in any way shape or form.

You should have thrown her ass out that night when you found out about it, go a lawyer and chance are could have got custody of your daughter because it's a foregone conclusion that your wife would put your injured daughter a lower priority so she can get her thing on with the OM.

You shouldn't even be telling us this. You should be talking to your lawyer and if the OM is married informing his wife and employer. 

Friend this isn't a marriage. It's a joke and she couldn't make a patch on a good mothers ass or a wife. Unload her and move on with your kid. I would let everyone know far and wide what kind of woman she is starting with her family.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

There is no doubt in my mind your daughter is his.....she knows this that's why she was in such a hurry to get pregnant.... She knew she was and had to hurry and try to fool you......get the DNA test today. Walmart sells them and its just a swab and done.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lost my temper. Sorry.

DNA and STD tests are a must.

Dump the chump.

She is beyond disgusting.

She placed getting fvcked by her POS as a higher priority than her own child's life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall (Feb 19, 2014)

Throw her out and get the paternity test. She's vile.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Locke.Stratos said:


> How have you not divorced already? You should have filed ages ago. Your wife has disrespected you and treated you and the marriage horribly.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I think its her ***ing his brain out to shut him up.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Wow. After all she has done to you, you still have some doubts? DNA kid, and file for the divorce. As you can see from her confession, even during your family hardest times, her OM was her priority number 1. Just do it. The train has left the station. That is hit bellow belt.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Dude...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are in a major plane crash here and you need to put the O2 mask on first before you can help anyone else.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Just in case you missed the point...the folks you talk to in real life can't see the fact that you need to work on your self and until you are healthy how can you fix this relationship.

They all seem to tell you to work it out with your old lady, but the fact is you need to work this out with your self first and heal your self...cuz were I'm sitting your old lady sure as hell want help you get out of this funk.

Seriursly man you need to phunken work on your self and be healthy so that you can *then* work on bringing in another person into your life. Sure it would be nice if your old lady could be part of that life but she screwed that up months ago. It will be up to her to stick it out and be there or move on...that's her issue. Your issue is getting better with your self and having the confidence to have a healthy life with or with this women.

You gotta be there for you so you can be there for your kids....then you can work on a relationship...be it with your current chick or someone new.

All these phuck sticks telling you to work it out with your old lady don't have a dam clue how messed up this infidelity shyt is....so only you can get through this and heal...your old lady can either help or get the phuck out of the way!

The way I see it is your old lady had a chance to make it right and get on her knees and serves you, take in the butt and do the heavy lifting to help you heal ...but she didn't.

You won;t get this kind of advice from some shrink that never got cheated on...this advice is free from the guy....'with the cheating wife'

Your welcome!


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I agree with Bandit. Your mind is already made up and you know what's the right thing to do. Your sense of self respect isn't allowing you to live with a woman who's behavior was disrespecting and humiliating you. No matter how hard she is trying, if you can't live with it, you shouldn't be there. And as the others said, DNA check the youngest child.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I agree with Bandit. Your mind is already made up and you know what's the right thing to do. Your sense of self respect isn't allowing you to live with a woman who's behavior was disrespecting and humiliating you. No matter how hard she is trying, if you can't live with it, you shouldn't be there. And as the others said, DNA check the youngest child.


:iagree:

You deserve better, staying in this situation will be a daily reminder of of her lying, disrespect, neglect, and betrayal, plus you will always feel like a chump for staying.

I wish you well.
Take care.


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## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I had a lot of soul searching to do. And I knew that if I read the comments on TAM a majority would say, leave her, once a cheat always a cheat etc... So I just needed some time to reflect and think on my own. I truly do appreciate everyone's advice and opinion.
I've decided to give it a chance. That way If It doesn't work I can at least live with myself knowing I truly gave it my all. My kids and family mean everything to me. There is no better feeling than coming home to my girls everyday, seeing those smiles and reading them a bedtime story every night.
There are just some things that are harder to live with than others. Such like she said they never brought me up. But I was able to use predictive text on her phone and find certain things she said about me. I just punched in certain words on text app and these pattern of words popped up in order. So I would tap the word and then the very next word and so forth until a period popped up. Indicating the end of the sentence. (All these communications were before DDAY I have monitored her phone since then and there has been no communication) He found a different job about a month before dday. He didn't care about her so he never made an effort to communicate with her after he left. So after about 2 weeks of no contact and not "getting her hi" she reached out to him and apparently he was afraid of me finding out so she text him "... stop worrying he will never find out what about happened between us..." she also sent him "...he doesn't satisfy me like you do..." and "...I want you to tie me up and punish me.... I would never let him do that...". There are others but you get the idea. 
But the hardest thing is, her oral skills are awesome now. Where as before they left little to be desired. So when I do receive oral gratification I love it now. But at the same time it's a trigger. So afterwards, I get withdrawn and distant. It makes her not want to preform that function on me.
And the last is, I can't figure out what went thru her head when she was offering herself up for nothing. The one thing they could both both agree on was SHE PUT IN ALL THE WORK. She always brought up the subject of him f*****g her. She approached him with the initial idea. She's the one who brought the subject up to him every time she gave herself to him. She was the one who would ask him what he wanted her to do to him. She's the one who initiated all communications (I can tell from old phone bills) , 1/2 the time he wouldn't even respond to her texts or calls. She says she just wanted to feel and hear from someone else besides me, how beautiful she was, how special she was, how good she was etc... But he supposedly never said any of those things and never made her feel that way. She supposedly felt mad, disgusted, angry etc... at herself after every sexual encounter. But kept going back for the "hi". Which I don't get. Which is why she says she couldn't stop after our daughter was injured. I'm not a bad looking guy. In fact I've been told by a lot people including her friends and family that I could do better than her, looks wise and personality wise. In my line of work I deal with a ton of people daily and majority of them are women. And I get hit on semi regularly but I have never acted on that impulse to be with another women, Since I have been with wife. I just politely bring up my family or might flirt a little then just go on my way. So I don't understand needing that confirmation from someone else sexually, Especially having to demean myself to get it.
Those are the things that I'm finding the hardest to get over at the moment. Who knows tomorrow it may be something else that pisses me off about the whole thing.
I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion especially in a public forum like TAM . But like I said I am not going to leave her and my kids are my kids regardless. I would truly appreciate positive advice and comments. I could really use it. Especially after all the difficult things my family and I have endured over the the last 2.5 years


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2monkeys said:


> I understand everyone is entitled to their opinion especially in a public forum like TAM . But like I said I am not going to leave her and my kids are my kids regardless. I would truly appreciate positive advice and comments. I could really use it. Especially after all the difficult things my family and I have endured over the the last 2.5 years


You can leave your wife w/o leaving your kids. Or you could tell her to GTFO. No reason for you to leave at all.

And about them being _your_ kids... how _positive_ are you about that?

Have you pursued paternity testing at all? I ask because it sounds pretty possible that _at least_ the younger one isn't biologically yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She cheated on you and she cheated on her children, too.

There's a serious problem there. And it is worse than you might think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

2monkeys said:


> I've decided to give it a chance. That way If It doesn't work I can at least live with myself knowing I truly gave it my all. My kids and family mean everything to me. There is no better feeling than coming home to my girls everyday, seeing those smiles and reading them a bedtime story every night.


You can come home to your girls without coming home to a lecherous traitor. That's the beauty of 50/50 custody. Sure, it may not be EVERY night, but the nights you have with your daughters, WITHOUT HER around to trigger you, will be glorious. In your OWN comfy, cozy, kid-friendly place... WITHOUT the nightmare of hostile, icy, fighting parents who don't trust each other.




2monkeys said:


> But the hardest thing is, her oral skills are awesome now. Where as before they left little to be desired. So when I do receive oral gratification I love it now. But at the same time it's a trigger. So afterwards, I get withdrawn and distant. It makes her not want to preform that function on me.


Ok, if you want to sell your soul to the devil... you are enjoying the fallout of the "skills" she learned FROM HIM. *Picture this... HE was directing her WHAT to do, HOW to do it, and WHEN he wanted it. So YOU are now enjoying the "benefits" (can you even call it that??) of his slimy "tutoring." * Ugh. Makes my stomach turn. But if you're happy because she can now perform blowj*bs, then have at it.




2monkeys said:


> And the last is, I can't figure out what went thru her head when she was offering herself up for nothing. The one thing they could both both agree on was SHE PUT IN ALL THE WORK.


She is a very damaged individual with VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM. That's why she offered herself "up for nothing"... she has no regard for herself, for you, or for the marriage. You are accepting sloppy leftovers.




2monkeys said:


> She says she just wanted to feel and hear from someone else besides me, how beautiful she was, how special she was, how good she was etc... But he supposedly never said any of those things and never made her feel that way. She supposedly felt mad, disgusted, angry etc... at herself after every sexual encounter. But kept going back for the "hi".* Which I don't get.*


And you never will get. Because she needs INTENSE psychotherapy to face all her inner demons. This woman is damaged goods. And probably has been since childhood. She just HID IT WELL from you. You choose to believe in the "woman you met and fell in love with." Sadly, she never was that woman.




2monkeys said:


> I'm not a bad looking guy. In fact I've been told by a lot people including her friends and family that *I could do better than her,* looks wise and personality wise.


No doubt, you probably could. But here's the bottom line (this may hurt). Despite your good looks and good personality, you just don't "do it" for her. In other words, you don't float her boat. She's NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU because in her sick mind, you are some kind of "father figure rescuer" (as evidenced by YOUR "love her unconditionally, never give up" mentality). Fathers do this. Husbands don't. Girls don't want to f*ck their dads. Look into her past with her father to find your answers.

If this makes you feel any better -- NO ONE who she is "trapped" with (whether marriage, committed SO, LTR) -- will float her boat either, until she wrestles these demons. This is NOT about YOU!! Why does she feel the need to STRAY? The answer will be found in her childhood upbringing. Sorry to sound so Freudian, but it's true.




2monkeys said:


> In my line of work I deal with a ton of people daily and majority of them are women. And I get hit on semi regularly but* I have never acted on that impulse to be with another women*, Since I have been with wife.


Because YOU are not a damaged individual. YOU have healthy boundaries. As most people do. Except for chronic cheaters.




2monkeys said:


> But like I said *I am not going to leave her and my kids are my kids regardless.*


With this "hard line in the sand", there is nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING, that we can help you with. You are determined at all costs to stick with a serial cheater (who will do it again and again when the dust settles) because you are not FORCING the hard decisions, hard treatments, ACCOUNTABILITY for her actions.

You're just going to suck it up like all the other "Nice Guys" that drop in and then leave when the TAM road gets too bumpy.




2monkeys said:


> *I would truly appreciate positive advice and comments.* I could really use it. Especially after all the difficult things my family and I have endured over the the last 2.5 years


I hear your cry for help. But the truth is, *you only want to hear the advice and comments that MATCH your paradigm.* The paradigm of being a cuckold and STAYING AT ALL COSTS. (Even if it means losing your sanity, your manhood, your very being.)

You are *codependent* in this relationship. Look it up. Google it. Learn about it. Join a CoDA group (Codependent's Anonymous). Open your eyes.

Having said all that, I wish you the very best with your decision.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

^^^^ This.

In the end now that you have consciously decided to put up with all this, she's not even the one hurting you anymore. You're the one hurting yourself...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

2monkeys

Gus brought up an interesting comment based on your timeline.

Are you sure all the kids are yours?

HM


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

2monkeys, you ask how you can deal with the things you wrote about? Unfortunately I cannot give you any useful advice because I couldn't begin to fathom how to overcome such massive betrayal. I'm all for reconciliation but not at the cost of all your self respect. And frankly I doubt I could be a very good father so long as I had this poison corrupting my soul. Good luck brother.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am disgusted with your wife,damn.
She refused any sexual contact with you,but gave it to the OM. She has done things with him that you asked for YEARS and she still refused them to you,but gave them so wilingly to the OM.

You had a really hard time with your son and daughter and you neded help from YOUR BEST FRIEND,YOUR WIFE but she was with the OM enyoing herself,while you were there crying,earning money for family.

I am so,so sorry for you and I am here to help you,just file for Divorce and continue to live your life.
Life is to short to be vasted on woman like your wife.

You will see your kids,no problem in that and in years to come they will respect you even more when they found out about their mom.

One more thing,DNA your kids,I am sure one of them is not yours,maybe even your son.


Sorry my friend,but try to help yourself,just file for Divorce.

Stay strong


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

2monkeys said:


> The only thing that they both agreed on was that my wife put in all the work. He never put in one ounce of effort. He would just show up to work and get paid to have sex with my wife from time to time, if the mood hit her. She says she hated herself after every time but she was addicted to the hi she got from the affair. She swears she didn't enjoy it, that she hated herself, that she never orgasmed with him. She admitted to being the one who brought the subject up when it 1st started, she admitted to offering herself up to him for nothing. They both said that he would finish pull his pants and go back work. He never told thank you, never gave her compliments, never asked for it.


Powerful stuff. I urge TAMers going through betrayal to read THAT over and over again. This is how most affairs play out. It just screams truth. The WS is the aggressor. The AP, simply the opportunity. They pretend they hate themselves to the BS, secretly they enjoy betraying YOU. That's where the high come from.... the deception. Truly sickening.

OP. I implore you. BE DONE WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP. Your spouse is irreparably BROKEN. DUMP HER and go live your life, free of this nightmare. You will find another to love. No one is irreplaceable. You deserve better than this wh0re.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say that you want positive advice, so here goes from me:

- You appear to be the sort of person who will stay with this no matter what, so your behavior from here on out should be geared toward keeping the marriage going.

- Since she appears to crave an alpha dog who treats her like sh!t, then you should start treating her like you could care less about her, about having sex with her, about whether she is interested in you or not.

Given her behavior, this seems the most likely way to keep her in the marriage and not cheating on you.

I am not being sarcastic here.


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## Mrtruth (Aug 20, 2015)

we are all just beating a dead horse here. good luck you will need it. im not going to stay and watch this train wreck


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, if you want to sell your soul to the devil... you are enjoying the fallout of the "skills" she learned FROM HIM. *Picture this... HE was directing her WHAT to do, HOW to do it, and WHEN he wanted it. So YOU are now enjoying the "benefits" (can you even call it that??) of his slimy "tutoring." * Ugh. Makes my stomach turn. But if you're happy because she can now perform blowj*bs, then have at it.


Turns mine too. Glad another man could give your wife some FIRST HAND tips.... how emasculating. Cringe worthy.




happy as a clam said:


> She is a very damaged individual with VERY LOW SELF ESTEEM. That's why she offered herself "up for nothing"... she has no regard for herself, for you, or for the marriage. You are accepting sloppy leftovers.


Imagine that OP. MARRIED woman begging a stranger for sex. What does she think of YOU?!? 




happy as a clam said:


> No doubt, you probably could. But here's the bottom line (this may hurt). Despite your good looks and good personality, you just don't "do it" for her. In other words, you don't float her boat. She's NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU because in her sick mind, you are some kind of "father figure rescuer" (as evidenced by YOUR "love her unconditionally, never give up" mentality). Fathers do this. Husbands don't. Girls don't want to f*ck their dads. Look into her past with her father to find your answers.


Deserves 100 likes because it's HUNDRED PERCENT true. Happened to me. I got burned behaving the same way. Learn from your mistakes.




happy as a clam said:


> I hear your cry for help. But the truth is, *you only want to hear the advice and comments that MATCH your paradigm.* The paradigm of being a cuckold and STAYING AT ALL COSTS. (Even if it means losing your sanity, your manhood, your very being.)


I'd go a step farther and suggest OP has some sort of PTSD from finding out his wife's a POS slvt tramp. He sounds lost. So much denial here. There is no way this is the first guy either. If you choose to stay (and ruin your life) accept you are on the losing end of a one sided open relationship with the village bicycle.

I hope you wake up. I really do.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

2monkeys said:


> I've decided to give it a chance. That way If It doesn't work I can at least live with myself knowing I truly gave it my all.


"I wish I would have given my cheating spouse a second chance." - Nobody

Never seen anyone regret walking away from a cheater but I've seen many regret staying.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

SO are you ok raising some other man's kids?


Regarding her many affairs,
It has little to do with looks, she wanted to be taken by someone she considers a dominant man.
She sees you as a steady provider and does not want to lose you, and she is right you will never leave her no matter what it costs you personally, but she craves sex from someone she sees as a strong powerful male.
She cannot resist him and will not dent him anything.

You have chosen to face the pain of this on a daily basis for the rest of your life, I wish you well.


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## Sunshinegurl (Sep 6, 2015)

You should get a DNA test, your wife's behavior is unacceptable.... How can she meet this OM guy when her daughter was being sent to ER? I think that she has no respect for you but at least she admitted that she cheated.... 

If you still love her and she is trying all her best to save your marriage then you should take some more time to think about it... Otherwise i think you need to get a lawyer and see what your options are and go from there.. I also experienced my husband cheating on me with another woman, it is so hard to get over with the fact that your spouse actually cheated on you for whatever reason they have..

Anyways I would totally get paternity test.. Maybe your son was OM's or both your children are... I am sorry that you are going through this...


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## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

I see where everyone is coming from. I appreciate the tough love and the "hurtful" but True statements. She now is a stay at home mom to our daughter's, especially for our youngest. This was something that was planned out before dday. So now I'm the sole provider for my family. If I leave I would have to pay alimony, child support and still pay for insurance for my family. Because she doesn't work and has to care for our daughter full time. If I would've known about the affair I never would have let her quit. And would've been in a better place to leave. 
She has shown remorse since dday and is trying to change. She seems to be clear of the fog and remorseful. Since dday somethings have come to light from her childhood and she knows those issues need to be worked on. In no way am I saying I forgive her or will I ever forget what she did. That will stay with me forever. But if she is willing to put in the work and try to change and get the help she needs, I'm willing to give it one last chance.
I have spoken with people who have gone through similar situations and they say they don't regret staying with their posws one bit. If we can get there I can see this being worth it. If we can't, I have no one other than myself to blame. I know what the repricosions can be. And can live with that, because it won't come as a shock or surprise to me next time, if there is a next time.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> You can come home to your girls without coming home to a lecherous traitor. That's the beauty of 50/50 custody. Sure, it may not be EVERY night, but the nights you have with your daughters, WITHOUT HER around to trigger you, will be glorious. In your OWN comfy, cozy, kid-friendly place... WITHOUT the nightmare of hostile, icy, fighting parents who don't trust each other.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is post perfection.

Clam girl has so much more patience than me.

2Monkeys should be so appreciative of Happy Clam lady to so clearly dissect his situation and patiently advise him.

OP. You remind me of my younger female cousin who has been beaten, quite badly, by her boyfriend of several years but won't leave him and gets mad at the people who really do love her when we want to help her get rid of him.

Your wife doesn't need a marriage. She needs intensive therapy to overcome her severe dysfunction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2monkeys said:


> I see where everyone is coming from. I appreciate the tough love and the "hurtful" but True statements. She now is a stay at home mom to our daughter's, especially for our youngest. This was something that was planned out before dday. So now I'm the sole provider for my family. If I leave I would have to pay alimony, child support and still pay for insurance for my family. Because she doesn't work and has to care for our daughter full time. If I would've known about the affair I never would have let her quit. And would've been in a better place to leave.
> She has shown remorse since dday and is trying to change. She seems to be clear of the fog and remorseful. Since dday somethings have come to light from her childhood and she knows those issues need to be worked on. In no way am I saying I forgive her or will I ever forget what she did. That will stay with me forever. But if she is willing to put in the work and try to change and get the help she needs, I'm willing to give it one last chance.
> I have spoken with people who have gone through similar situations and they say they don't regret staying with their posws one bit. If we can get there I can see this being worth it. If we can't, I have no one other than myself to blame. I know what the repricosions can be. And can live with that, because it won't come as a shock or surprise to me next time, if there is a next time.


Tell you what, while you're figuring things out, send her ass back to work and buy a couple of these...










After all, it may very well turn out that you wouldn't have to pay as much child support as you think.

Or any at all.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. You would probably end up with full custody if you simply took the time to document her behavior.

Judges don't look to kindly on women who think that strange penis in them is more important than taking care of her daughter with possible life threatening injuries.

Good fvcking gravy! Can't you see how Goddamned bat shyt crazy your wife is?

She should be nowhere near your children until she receives a clean bill of health from a qualified mental health professional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

2monkeys said:


> And can live with that, because it won't come as a shock or surprise to me next time, if there is a next time.


You mean "when" not "if"... 

As much as I can't fathom it, if I've learned anything on TAM it's that some people are OKAY being a doormat. They wear the feeling like a warm blanket and don't mind the urine smell or dampness. 

If you want to throw away your dignity because you don't want to pay child support and your wife now knows how to svck a d!ck, thanks to someone not named 2monkeys, then that's your decision. 

Staying for the kids (who might not even be yours) is a rationalization hamster cop out. AT LEAST do the following if you still want to pursue this madness: 

1) DNA ALL THE KIDS.

2) Conduct 24/7 surveillance on your "wife" indefinitely. (eg keyloggers, gps tracker, vars). Nickname yourself the warden.

3) Keep a divorce lawyer on retainer.

4) Get MORE therapy and try to find the self respect you lost long ago.

5) Hit the gym, diet if you need to, and groom yourself. Make yourself "marketable" because eventually you'll need to anyway.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

At the very least, separate and go thru the motions of divorce.
You can tell her that you can always change your mind.
Let her feel SOME type of serious consequence.
And I know what you mean by the kids being yours no matter what.
You should still DNA test them tho.
You should go shopping with your wife and pick up one of those kits.
Her reaction/expression may tell you all you need to know.

Or you can continue with whatever plan you have and see where that gets you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

2monkeys said:


> I see where everyone is coming from. I appreciate the tough love and the "hurtful" but True statements. *She now is a stay at home mom to our daughter's, especially for our youngest. *This was something that was planned out before dday. So now I'm the sole provider for my family. *If I leave I would have to pay alimony, child support and still pay for insurance for my family.* Because she doesn't work and has to care for our daughter full time. If I would've known about the affair I never would have let her quit. And would've been in a better place to leave.
> *She has shown remorse since dday and is trying to change. She seems to be clear of the fog and remorseful.* Since dday somethings have come to light from her childhood and she knows those issues need to be worked on. In no way am I saying I forgive her or will I ever forget what she did. That will stay with me forever. *But if she is willing to put in the work and try to change and get the help she needs, I'm willing to give it one last chance.*
> I have spoken with people who have gone through similar situations and they say they don't regret staying with their posws one bit. If we can get there I can see this being worth it. If we can't, I have no one other than myself to blame. I know what the repricosions can be. And can live with that, because it won't come as a shock or surprise to me next time, if there is a next time.


Compete denial!! Especially the bolded parts.

Come back in a year and let us know how it all worked out.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> This is post perfection.
> 
> Clam girl *has so much more patience than me.*
> 
> 2Monkeys should be so appreciative of Happy Clam lady to so clearly dissect his situation and patiently advise him.


A bow and a curtsy to the honorable Mr. @ConanHub... 

Remember CH, patience is a virtue... :grin2: 

(Now, back to the regularly scheduled thread... :banghead


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

This will eat away at you for years to come. Further, your W history indicates to me that becoming a SAHM is a new avenue that will prove to be her undoing as a result of the day to day "doldrums" that will develop in short order. 

I'm sorry for what has happened to you and your family. I completely understand the sheer joy of seeing your children at the end of the day. However, if I had to look upon a W that had done this to me/family it would take the wind out of my sails and any excitement of seeing my children at the end of the day. 

Good luck sir.


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## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

Thank you everyone. You have given me a lot of great advice, again. And in doing so you have given me a lot to think about. I am not so sure what the future holds for my family or myself. I know we have a long long road ahead of us. But it is a road I am willing to take. Think what you want and if what you say will happen happens. You can all say I told you so.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2monkeys said:


> Thank you everyone. You have given me a lot of great advice, again. And in doing so you have given me a lot to think about. I am not so sure what the future holds for my family or myself. I know we have a long long road ahead of us. But it is a road I am willing to take. Think what you want and if what you say will happen happens. You can all say I told you so.


The thing is that we'd really prefer to NOT say that.

To no one.

Ever.

But whatever, man. It's your path, walk it as you will.

And whatever you do, just go into it with BOTH EYES OPEN.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

2monkeys,

Trying to R is a decision that every BS has to make for themselves....if it is what you truly feel in your heart then make the best effort you can to do it successfully.

That said, I don't think any BS should commit to R without ALL the facts about what their WS has done.

I really think before you make a final commitment to R there are several things you need to resolve completely.

1) DNA your youngest....remove all doubt that your WW has perpetuated one of the worst betrayals possible.

2) You said you had doubts about a possible PA from years before with her exbf or some other POS....DEMAND full disclosure on this, and a poly to verify her story.

You need to know if this is indeed the first time she has done this....a serial cheater is almost a lost cause when it comes to R, and if she has done this more than once you are probably better off with D.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think anyone here *wants* to say 'I told you so.' People here want to offer you their insight based on the well-known, well-trod patterns in situations like yours. They want to offer that in order to help another human being who is suffering.

What I personally have to offer is the certainty that the time spent raising children goes by in the blink of an eye. It can seem sometimes like it's in slow motion, but truly, you will wake up one day, look in the mirror and see a person who is suddenly 20 years older.

When this happens, you won't be able to start over. It's really too late & what you will feel is the letdown of realizing that the many opportunities for defining a satisfying life are gone. What you then have to live with is the poverty of experience. You can change this to some degree, of course, but you can't rewrite the bulk of your life.

We are worried here that you have been deeply betrayed and that this will impact you and your children forever. You can take steps at your age to alter this path. This would mean that you have the courage to free yourself from your WW.

Remember that you are your children's role model. If you think that this isn't massively imprinting on them, I would dispute that.

I wish you well, but know that you won't really be able to report whether it was worth it until you are old and gray. Your choice, though. You can see that your fellow travelers are warning you of the dangers, so you are forearmed.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

DNA Test should have been done at the time of birth. Sorry to say but do the Math brother. It is very possible youngest child is not yours.

Sending extreme sympathy your way.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Damn again this money talk.
Is money more important they your happines ???

Trust me on this one,if you stay with her in 6-12 months you will find another OM and you will be even more hurtful. 

Why dont you do DNA tests for "your" kids ? Is there some reason why not ?


Good luck to you my friend,but mark my word in 6-12 months you will be back here.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Why is my troll alarm going off?


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Hoosier said:


> Why is my troll alarm going off?


You found Sam's elven sword 'STING' :wink2:


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

Everyone speaks about dna test, but none about std test.

Op you should read this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

And you should tell your wife to find a new job, now, because the deal was sealed on a lie.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Getting to say "I told you so" is a very hollow victory here.


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## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

Hoosier said:


> Why is my troll alarm going off?


Troll?


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## 2monkeys (Feb 28, 2015)

cgiles said:


> Everyone speaks about dna test, but none about std test.
> 
> Op you should read this book : https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
> 
> And you should tell your wife to find a new job, now, because the deal was sealed on a lie.


Thanks I've started reading it and lot of what I have read hits home.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Why is my troll alarm going off?


Because you don't know where the "report" button is? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> Why is my troll alarm going off?


:wink2:


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Have her sign a post nup, dont talk to her about divorce

a post nup that state's no alimony.

the fear is totally real!
-paying her alimony for life.
-paying for a child that is not yours.

get VAR check with your local laws & record her admissions.
record her admissions with a hidden cam.

check with attorneys if one party state.

again the best strategy is to,
have her sign a post nup, and not tell her about the divorce
make an excuse up "that you don't feel secure. going forward with your relationship with her."

and advice do the effing DNA test later.
your main objective. is to get her to sign a POST-NUP!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
how to properly address a child that is not your's

1. you need to do this later. after the divorce.
2. you have to have an email from her or recording or text or whatever, stating that she is telling that the child is yours.
3. then you do the dna test.
4. talk to your attorney's

if you end up paying for child support you can sue her for fraud.
and get the money back.

this is case that has been repeated time and again.

_---------------------------------------------

and as of now dont talk to your wife about the possibility of divorce,

FOCUS on her SIGNING that post nup!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Just want to wish you and your family the best.

Truly hope it works out for you.


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