# Sexual assault and FB friends



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

35 years ago in high school, I was sexually assaulted by Henry a "friend" of my boyfriend. I told no one. I was mortified, scared, etc. I dated the boyfriend for 3 years. I kept telling him, Henry is not a good person, he's not your friend. Of course he didn't believe me. 

We parted ways, got married, divorced and reconnected 4 years ago. I told him shortly after that Henry had sexually assaulted me back in high school. He was stunned. He was not in contact with him other than being friends on FB. It was much harder talking about it than I ever thought it would be.

Fast forward, we are now married for the past year. I am very rarely on FB. I hate facebook. On Father's Day, my sister called and said hey go on FB I posted a picture I want you to see. I jump on, and the first thing that pops up is my now husband's FB page that has a picture posted on it. Henry has commented on this photo, and husband replied Thanks!! 

I literally froze and started crying. I sent a text to my husband how shocked I was to see that no only is he friends with the person who sexually assaulted me, but he's thanking him for his comment!! 

He immediately replies 'Wow Honey, one word!" and a few minutes later "I'm sorry, I unfriended him, that's the only time I've spoken to him since you told me I'm sorry"

My comments back are not fit to type. I was doubly crushed that not only had he remained on his Facebook as a friend, but that he thought nothing of commenting back to him until I saw it (which in itself is weird since I am rarely facebook). I am so hurt, two days later I'm still tearing up about it.

He says that he never interacts with him and didn't even remember he was a friend on facebook. I tried to talk to him about how hurt I am, but I can't seem to find the words, plus I can't stop crying. Can he seriously not understand how hurtful this is?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have every right to your feelings.
However, your anger is misplaced.
Have you ever gone to counseling?


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Yes I've been to counselling, but not for this. 

How is my anger misplaced? I think it's pretty reasonable to feel anger towards my husband about interacting with the man that sexually assaulted me.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Go on Facebook and out the SOB. So sorry that happened to you.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The real question is 

"Is your boyfriend (now husband) lacking in the "balls" department and generally non-confrontational?"

When you told him, he should have confronted this non-convicted criminal. And yes, not only is he scum but he is also a potential felon!

Explain this to him and ask why he didn't confront him ? Also he needs to be exposed. The [email protected]'s wife (at the very least) needs to know who she is married to. I know that you cannot prove it but it needs to be out there.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

You have every right to be upset IMO. Your H should have deleted that jackazz the minute you stated this "friend" sexually assaulted you. Sorry it happened and I can assure you your H is now more the wiser concerning this issue. If your H does not get it then set him up for some counseling so he can educated on what sexual assault is and how it can ruin a life.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It was one word. One damn word too many.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Your husband is an idiot, but this may have opened his eyes.


----------



## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Why did you break up the first time?


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Your husbands response to being told you were assaulted by someone you both knew should have been 

- he picks up phone, calls the guy and says "listen you little MF'r, if I ever see your face again I will break it. Unfriend from facebook, and give the pos's wife a heads up.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Celes said:


> Why did you break up the first time?


We were both young, first real relationship for us both, I moved 2 hours away for college. It wasn't a big dramatic break up, just a gradual moving on by both of us.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Update from last night. 

Probably worse fight we have ever had. I came home from work, was cordial to him. I cooked dinner, we ate. He asked me how long I'd be mad at him, he can't quite grasp that he hurt me by taking this whole situation so lightly. I asked him did he delete the comment on Facebook? He claimed he didn't know I asked him to do so. I did ask him, and in my mind I shouldn't have had to ask. It's a no brainer. The jerk assaulted me!

The conversation got more and more heated. I told him he seemed really unconcerned that Henry sexually assaulted me. He said it was different since i waited 30 years to tell him! He had been friends with him and even roommates after the fact. I blew up then. How in the hell does that make ANY difference??

At this point he is screaming and ranting (which he has done 2 other times in our relationship). I mean he is out of control screaming. He said I need to learn to let things go, I needed to see someone about it, that it would ruin my life. He can't live like this, constantly having to watch what he says! Side note: He is frequently says inappropriate things and then claims he shouldn't have to censor everything that comes out of his mouth (whole nother issue right there). The assault has been dealt with in my mind, I have moved past it. I still think my reaction to him being friends and commenting on facebook was appropriate.

I'm feeling pretty numb at the moment.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

He is clearly not husband material - heck he is not "man" material either.

Ask him what he would have done if he suddenly found out that this POS had sexually assaulted his little sister or his mother ? Would he still say they should have told me earlier and not wait 30 years to tell me or would he have wreaked havoc on the POS ?

Long term this is not your partner OP. You don't need this kind of "support" from a coward who is unafraid to use inappropriate language with a woman, his wife who loves him but is afraid to do so with his male room mate.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Cake Karma said:


> He had been friends with him and even roommates after the fact.


You can usually tell who a man is by the company he keeps.

Are you sure you really know who your husband is?


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Syhoybenden -- He remained friends with Henry and they were roommates when they were younger. He has had no contact with him for almost 25 years until the facebook thing.

I definitely am wondering who he is, yes. I am floored at his behavior and responses to this situation.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Thank you everyone for the comments. Your help is truly appreciated.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

I'm going to be that guy. But here it is:

You waited 30 years to tell him. Now you were "sexually assaulted" by Henry 3 decades ago, and want him to go dark on a friend of over 30 years, a friend you were trying to separate him from 30 years ago, but somehow managed to never mention the sexual assault. It gives the appearance that you're a jealous controlling woman. He loves you, so he's not dumping you for it, and he's not calling you a liar for it too. Why would he believe you logically or deep down, viscerally? (And "I'm his wife!" isn't a reason)

You waited too long. This is on you. No you shouldn't out him on FB, because it's wrong to try people in the court of public opinion when you cannot corroborate your story. You'll likely bring a lot of drama into your life, and for no visible benefit.

Own your screw-ups.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm going to honestly say that while you have gone to therapy (for something unrelated) if you have never gone to therapy specifically to discuss and deal with the sexual assault you are not likely just over it. As I'll run contrary to everyone else here, but the level of anger and the visceral reaction you had to just seeing your husband make a one word comment to the guy on Facebook tells me you aren't over it. 

And to your husband to suddenly be told this and to have all this reaction and anger from you likely seems like it's coming out of nowhere. And now people are making all kinds of assumptions and accusations about him based on the fact he was friends with this guy for a long time because he never knew. Your husband might feel like he's the one being yelled at and punished for something he didn't do, while the guy in question gets to keep on living life like nothing happened. 

I might recommend talking this all through with someone.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> I'm going to be that guy. But here it is:
> 
> You waited 30 years to tell him. Now you were "sexually assaulted" by Henry 3 decades ago, and want him to go dark on a friend of over 30 years, a friend you were trying to separate him from 30 years ago, but somehow managed to never mention the sexual assault. It gives the appearance that you're a jealous controlling woman. He loves you, so he's not dumping you for it, and he's not calling you a liar for it too. Why would he believe you logically or deep down, viscerally? (And "I'm his wife!" isn't a reason)
> 
> ...



incredible post above!!!! She gets assaulted by a frat boy and is afraid to mention it (lets just say conflict averse). However she does try and give dumba$$ (her current husband) a heads up about the true nature of [email protected] and he didn't get it (still doesn't) and its somehow her screw up now that [email protected] is somehow back in her life and she is trying to get dumba$$ to see sense and drop him like the piece of steaming hot sh!t that he is. 

She is not reporting him or attempting to get justice - she just doesn't want him in her life! Dumba$$ is her husband now and she needs to do this or else get divorced (which I would say is the better option given how dumb Dumba$$ is). The other possibility is that Dumba$$ is similar to [email protected] and may have some skeletons in his closet for all we know (sigh - fratboy [email protected]).


----------



## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

I understand how you feel. Your husband's actions seem careless and insensitive.
But I really don't think he meant to hurt you, or was aware how much of an effect something that, to him, seemed so minor, would have on you.
Let's face it -- men can be clueless sometimes.

I think he might have a better understanding now. He did apologize, and I don't think there will be any further interaction.

That said, I think you should seek counseling. This is something that you've buried for a long time, but it can't stay buried. Even if the statute of limitations has run out, and you can no longer press criminal charges, you need to work out the emotional effect that this horrible event has had on you.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think the unresolved anger you have over what happened is now being directed at your husband.

This happened to you, and you were confused at the time and probably still confused and conflicted about what to do about it. Is it any wonder that your husband is also not crystal clear on what he should do once you tell him this?

Does your husband love you? We all make mistakes and misread situations. It's very dangerous to operate a marriage on the principle of "he should know what I want him to do"... 

In this situation, did he maintain FB friends with Henry because he does not love you? Or did he do it because he was not sure how to handle the situation?


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Kivlor
Although I appreciate your response and point of view, I must correct you. I didn't want him to go dark on a friend of 30 years, they were no longer friends from way back in the day. They were "friends" on facebook. You know those kind, the kind people accumulate because well who knows why. They hadn't spoken or corresponded in decades when I told him. So, no, it wasn't me trying to get him to go dark on his great buddy. 

I'm a controlling liar because I didn't mention it 30 some odd years ago? I was a kid, scared, ashamed, etc. My parents would have probably blamed me. It was a no win situation I felt. I've since come to realize it was not my fault, that I should have shouted it from the rooftop, I should have called 911 and had a rape kit done, I should have outed him. I should have then, but didn't. I do own this. 

I never said he should believe me because I"m his wife. He should believe me because I have nothing to gain by lying. And because I am not a liar (which has nothing to do with my marital status). I generally believe the people I love when they tell me things, especially something of this nature, unless I have reason to believe it to be a lie. What did I have to gain by lying???? 

I never intended to out the man on Facebook or anywhere else. I am now in contact with lots of people who knew him back in the day, and my husband is the only one I have told, the only one I will tell. I have no interest in shaming him, for all I know he is a mature fine man now. I truly hope so. I do not feel it is controlling to ask my husband to defriend and not speak to this man. If that's controlling....sign my a$$ up!


----------



## AngelHeart888 (Jun 21, 2016)

"...she needs to do this or else get divorced (which I would say is the better option given how dumb Dumba$$ is). "

Getting a little carried away, I think.

He may be a little stupid, but I don't think this calls for divorce. Just some good, heartfelt communication.

Really.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

AngelHeart888 said:


> I understand how you feel. Your husband's actions seem careless and insensitive.
> But I really don't think he meant to hurt you, or was aware how much of an effect something that, to him, seemed so minor, would have on you.
> Let's face it -- men can be clueless sometimes.
> 
> ...


Thank you. Yes I do truly think he loves me, and I'm positive he didn't mean to hurt me. But it did, and I suppose I wanted him to truly understand how I felt, and the conversation went south fast.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

AngelHeart888 said:


> "...she needs to do this or else get divorced (which I would say is the better option given how dumb Dumba$$ is). "
> 
> Getting a little carried away, I think.
> 
> ...


I hope you are right. Although I would say more than a "little stupid" - very stupid not to see what needs to be done.



Cake Karma said:


> Thank you. Yes I do truly think he loves me, and I'm positive he didn't mean to hurt me. But it did, and I suppose I wanted him to truly understand how I felt, and the conversation went south fast.


So are you saying that your husband is a loveable Dumba$$ - I can go along with that although the Dumba$$ part of it needs to be addressed real fast - for your well being as well as his.


And I somehow don't buy that a rapist can develop into a fine man without some serious help.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Hicks said:


> I think the unresolved anger you have over what happened is now being directed at your husband.
> 
> This happened to you, and you were confused at the time and probably still confused and conflicted about what to do about it. Is it any wonder that your husband is also not crystal clear on what he should do once you tell him this?
> 
> ...


He did it because he didn't know how to handle the situation. It has nothing to do with his love of me, I'm positive he loves me. I wouldn't have handled it his way, and that is the crux of the issue.

I specifically asked him to unfriend this person the first time he popped up on my Recommended Friend list. Then again when his face was shining up at me from my husbands FB page right after he posted our wedding picture. Luckily I'm a rare user of FB, so I didn't see it often. I specifically said, Please take Henry off your friend list. He claimed last night he never thought about it, but the problem is...I've ASKED him at least twice to do so. 

To me that shouts out I DON'T CARE he assaulted you. That is painful to me.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

manfromlamancha said:


> I hope you are right. Although I would say more than a "little stupid" - very stupid not to see what needs to be done.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are probably right,


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Cake Karma said:


> To me that shouts out I DON'T CARE he assaulted you. That is painful to me.


This is the crux of the problem. You are assigning motives and feelings to him that are not what is in his heart.


----------



## Cake Karma (Jun 21, 2016)

Hicks said:


> This is the crux of the problem. You are assigning motives and feelings to him that are not what is in his heart.


I can see your point. I still think my requests for action on his part is not unreasonable.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H needs to see someone about anger management, communication skills and understanding what sexual assault does to a person. He is obviously insensitive and immature.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Cake Karma said:


> Kivlor
> Although I appreciate your response and point of view, I must correct you. I didn't want him to go dark on a friend of 30 years, they were no longer friends from way back in the day. They were "friends" on facebook. You know those kind, the kind people accumulate because well who knows why. They hadn't spoken or corresponded in decades when I told him. So, no, it wasn't me trying to get him to go dark on his great buddy.
> 
> I'm a controlling liar because I didn't mention it 30 some odd years ago? I was a kid, scared, ashamed, etc. My parents would have probably blamed me. It was a no win situation I felt. I've since come to realize it was not my fault, that I should have shouted it from the rooftop, I should have called 911 and had a rape kit done, I should have outed him. I should have then, but didn't. I do own this.
> ...


Whether you *are* a controlling, lying, jealous person or not *is irrelevant*. My point was that it is invariably going to come across that way. You can be telling the truth, and it won't matter.

30 years ago is a long time to suddenly bring up something and now expect action upon. Or to even be believed. I'm not calling your accusation into question, I'm pointing out how your H may look at this, and how it is likely to come across. I don't know you, I don't know the situation. I'll take you at your word. 

If this is a hard line for you, then let your H know. You control yourself and your destiny. No one else. Take the reins.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> incredible post above!!!! She gets assaulted by a frat boy and is afraid to mention it (lets just say conflict averse). However she does try and give dumba$$ (her current husband) a heads up about the true nature of [email protected] and he didn't get it (still doesn't) and its somehow her screw up now that [email protected] is somehow back in her life and she is trying to get dumba$$ to see sense and drop him like the piece of steaming hot sh!t that he is.
> 
> She is not reporting him or attempting to get justice - she just doesn't want him in her life! Dumba$$ is her husband now and she needs to do this or else get divorced (which I would say is the better option given how dumb Dumba$$ is). The other possibility is that Dumba$$ is similar to [email protected] and may have some skeletons in his closet for all we know (sigh - fratboy [email protected]).


Go back, and take the info provided into consideration. She never said anything when it happened--her mistake, but doesn't mean it didn't happen--and instead passive aggressively tried to get her H to stop hanging with this guy. Then left her H. Then 30 years later, she get's back with her H, and now she says something. It's not going to come across well. Doesn't matter what the truth is, matters what her H's perception is. 

Now, we can speculate on how the H is a scumbag who sexually assaulted women in the past, but that's some mighty speculation. Especially since we've no evidence to support it. This isn't an emotional issue to him. It won't be, because it happened 30 years ago to his NON WIFE. It's just too hard to get worked up about it. That said, if OP wants to get her H to react, she is probably going to have to make it an emotional issue for him, and get it to connect on a gut-level.

Now, we're not even talking about H hanging out with this guy, we're talking about the OP having a breakdown and tantrum because this guy commented on a picture of H on FB. Talk about special snowflake syndrome. 

The easy fix to this is for the OP to block this guy's account from her FB, and go on with her life. But instead, she's seeking approval to make a melodramatic mess. And other posters are commenting saying she should "out the guy" on social media. Which is a terrible idea, unless the OP wants to really make her life even more of a mess than it is.

I know, by not siding with the victim 100% and demanding blood that I'm going to be made out to be a supporter of vile behavior. But that's not what this is about. It's about trying to offer the OP some point to view her H from, where she can find a little empathy for the situation as a whole, and then advise her in such a way as to make her life better, not worse.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> Go back, and take the info provided into consideration. She never said anything when it happened--her mistake, but doesn't mean it didn't happen--and instead passive aggressively tried to get her H to stop hanging with this guy. Then left her H. Then 30 years later, she get's back with her H, and now she says something. It's not going to come across well. Doesn't matter what the truth is, matters what her H's perception is.
> 
> Now, we can speculate on how the H is a scumbag who sexually assaulted women in the past, but that's some mighty speculation. Especially since we've no evidence to support it. This isn't an emotional issue to him. It won't be, because it happened 30 years ago to his NON WIFE. It's just too hard to get worked up about it. That said, if OP wants to get her H to react, she is probably going to have to make it an emotional issue for him, and get it to connect on a gut-level.
> 
> ...



So lets address this in separate parts:

First - in trying to understand why her husband was NOT reacting as he should have, it is useful to offer different possible reasons for her to look into. In any case she still sees him as nothing less than loving although a bit unaware when it comes to sensitivities. She has since confirmed that they are not real friends per se anymore but more Facebook friends which could mean anything and more like nothing.

Second - people may advise her to out the piece of sh!t on social media but it doesn't mean that she is going to. She has not so far and sounds a lot smarter than that. She just doesn't want the piece of [email protected] in her life in any way AND now that she is married, it is important to let her husband know this and also know why. He wasn't her husband back then ! 

Third - she is not throwing a tantrum or anything as trivial as you make out to be - she is justifiably surprised that (a) her husband doesn't get it; and (b) kind of lied about breaking contact when it is something that is pretty serious and important to her - something that she has had to cope with for 30 years !

And now for the *really important bits* (and this comes with me personally having to deal with the rapes of close members of my family):

I don't know if you or anyone close to you has been raped but to apply terms like "passive aggressive" to her behaviour at the time or even now is 

(a) highly insensitive, and 
(b) even more importantly, dangerously uninformed. 

I know that this is a forum where any and every one can (and do) provide their opinions - my speculations about dumba$$'s motivations don't even come close to dangerous and harming comments like this. I would describe to you what one's feelings would be more like, but would probably get banned for the graphic detail. But I hope you get the idea anyway.

So what she is doing/saying is 

NOT a tantrum 
OR a breakdown 
OR passive aggressive behaviour 
OR a result of suffering from a "snowflake syndrome" (which is defined as a malady affecting a significant portion of the world's population wherein the afflicted will demand special treatment, conduct themselves with a ludicrous, unfounded sense of entitlement, and generally make the lives of everyone around them that much more miserable - which is the most insulting thing I have heard from you yet)
and MOST IMPORTANTLY is not wrong or unjustified. 

It is very normal to expect one's husband to be at the very least _mildly annoyed_ (please note sarcasm) at someone he is connected to for his vile behaviour with any woman let alone his wife.


She shouldn't have to make this a special emotional situation for him - he should have reacted without her doing this. She is handling this in an extremely mature and calm manner given what happened and is happening. She is already viewing her husband with much empathy given the level of his "unawareness" and hopefully he will come round and become a better man as a result.


And by the way, her not reporting the [email protected] or making it public 30 years ago was not "her mistake" - it was very normal and a significant percentage of people who have been raped are walking around never having told a soul and dealing with it on their own.


Now I don't know if you are genuinely trying to help her here (I am assuming that you are), but sexual assault is a pretty serious subject and it would be best for her to consult a professional on how to deal with unsympathetic or uniformed loved ones. There is no "siding" with the victim - more like dealing with the aftermath of the crime committed. 

And finally there is the small (but important for me) issue of the piece of sh!t walking around with his head held high, free as a bird and even the affront of commenting on her photo!!!! Doesn't he sound like the kind of guy that should be dealt with and strung up as an example for other [email protected] to know that they will not get away with it. Probably. But he has got away with it and she has to deal with this. 

Hopefully with her hubby's help going forward.


----------

