# How infidelity changed my life



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

My story starts 20 years ago. I met a 19 year old girl at the music store I worked at. Found her to be super hot and smart. I was 29. We married a year later after I found out she was pregnant. I married her because I wanted to live with my daughter and make it work. 
Within the first year of marriage I thought she might be having sex with a woman we both knew. They were both hot. She came home drunk one night and told me she had made it with this girl. I didn't think much of it. I was a young rocker and had seen it in the bus many times. It never happened again. 
Fast forward 8 years. I'm working in medicine, my wife is working at the same hospital in IT. We have 3 kids now. I let her go out with her work buddies all the time. Well one of the young work boys and his friend would go out with the girls from IT when they went out. I didn't know this. 
The two guys would take my wife and one of her friends back to his place and sex it up. He left suck marks all over my wife's body for me to find. I found them Jan. 10th 2002. The second worse day of my life. We went to MC for a year. She lied the whole year and was still seeing #1 during work. I made her quit her job she went to work traveling where she met #2 in Atlanta. Could not find her for 2 days. Met with lawyers and was told not enough evidence for #2 and #1 never happened according to the law. I had slept with her after I knew about it. The next was a EA I guy from her previous work (not #1) was calling and texting her. I stopped that. Then the last was about 2 1/2 years ago Facebook high school friend hit the list. He was taking her out to eat at lunch while I worked. I sent that married banker a message on Facebook from my account and was going to blow the lid off his life. He stopped. 
You wonder why I'm still married to her? It's not simple. She has diagnosed mental disorders. ( can't D in this state) She has told me on many occasions if I left she would bring women over. With my kids this was no option either. Now I have always gotten sex from her. It's not passionate but it's sex and its often. 
Right now we own a medical software biz that's doing very very well. 
My thoughts are... Who to say the next one would be any better. I'm happy enough. No money problems. 
I tell you guys this so you can see there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even though the tunnel can be longer than you wish it to be. I am a better man through it all. I'm 49 and healthy.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> My story starts 20 years ago. I met a 19 year old girl at the music store I worked at. Found her to be super hot and smart. I was 29. We married a year later after I found out she was pregnant. I married her because I wanted to live with my daughter and make it work.
> Within the first year of marriage I thought she might be having sex with a woman we both knew. They were both hot. She came home drunk one night and told me she had made it with this girl. I didn't think much of it. I was a young rocker and had seen it in the bus many times. It never happened again.
> Fast forward 8 years. I'm working in medicine, my wife is working at the same hospital in IT. We have 3 kids now. I let her go out with her work buddies all the time. Well one of the young work boys and his friend would go out with the girls from IT when they went out. I didn't know this.
> The two guys would take my wife and one of her friends back to his place and sex it up. He left suck marks all over my wife's body for me to find. I found them Jan. 10th 2002. The second worse day of my life. We went to MC for a year. She lied the whole year and was still seeing #1 during work. I made her quit her job she went to work traveling where she met #2 in Atlanta. Could not find her for 2 days. Met with lawyers and was told not enough evidence for #2 and #1 never happened according to the law. I had slept with her after I knew about it. The next was a EA I guy from her previous work (not #1) was calling and texting her. I stopped that. Then the last was about 2 1/2 years ago Facebook high school friend hit the list. He was taking her out to eat at lunch while I worked. I sent that married banker a message on Facebook from my account and was going to blow the lid off his life. He stopped.
> ...


Marking this thread so I can come back to it. Wanted to know more of your history, because you seemed very steady and post really good information.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Thank you. I have been to hell and back and I am back!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wow, dude. 

And you are happy?

You haven't cheated also?

You don't mind being cuckolded?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You cant divorce because she has a mental disorder? Is that because legally the law wont let you divorce, or is it because she'll commit suicide?

I would think her diagnosed mental disorders would allow you full custody of the kids?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Wow, dude.
> 
> And you are happy?
> 
> ...


I am happy. I would be happier with passionate sex 1 time a week. 
I have not cheated. I found that not having done it made me a better man for my children. I have a much higher sex rank then she does. I never felt threatened.
Cuckolded.... I don't think I was. I was not aware of these affairs while they were active. I did not accept them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well by staying and understanding that she might do this again at any opportunity, I'd say you are still cuckolded.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

aug said:


> You cant divorce because she has a mental disorder? Is that because legally the law wont let you divorce, or is it because she'll commit suicide?
> 
> I would think her diagnosed mental disorders would allow you full custody of the kids?


Both to tell you the truth. It's a double edged sword I wasn't willing to risk handing.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well by staying and understanding that she might do this again at any opportunity, I'd say you are still cuckolded.


You may be right. My thoughts are you cannot make some act right. You can show them by your actions. I have done so at least for my kids.


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## BenDeToy (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> I have a much higher sex rank then she does.


I have some bad new for you on that front. In your wife's eyes at least, you do not have a higher sex rank. I appreciate your post but, if your wife is not cheating right now she will be again - and soon. 

She knows you will not leave - ergo: there are no consequences to her cheating. She is calling the shots.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What if she cleans you out financially?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I sure hope you get yourself tested for STD's regularly.

When your kids are older, what are you going to tell them? What if they find out she did/does these things, and that you knew, and basically allowed it to happen? Because that's what you're doing by rugsweeping everything.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> You may be right. My thoughts are you cannot make some act right. You can show them by your actions. I have done so at least for my kids.


Are you biding your time until the kids grow up?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It does not bother me. I'm my own man. Ya sure she could have done it again. She might have. We are all capable, even her husband. Do the best with what you have...fidelity is not a right given by God.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

BenDeToy said:


> I have some bad new for you on that front. In your wife's eyes at least, you do not have a higher sex rank. I appreciate your post but, if your wife is not cheating right now she will be again - and soon.
> 
> She knows you will not leave - ergo: there are no consequences to her cheating. She is calling the shots.


My wife knows it. She is not calling any shots. I call the shots. They may not be the shots you would call but I very well call them. If you ask her she would tell you the same.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

BjornFree said:


> Are you biding your time until the kids grow up?


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## BenDeToy (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> My wife knows it. She is not calling any shots. I call the shots. They may not be the shots you would call but I very well call them. If you ask her she would tell you the same.


Fairy nuff. I hope it works out for you and, once again, thanks for posting.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MrBrains said:


>


How old are they?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Wow, dude. Way to ruin your own life.



> I tell you guys this so you can see there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even though the tunnel can be longer than you wish it to be.


Now unless you have an innate neediness for drama and/or caretaking, you wouldn't be willing to jump through hoops or go through tunnels because of another person. If you have an innate neediness for drama and/or caretaking, you should be trying to work that out, not trying to quench your thirst for love from a broken relationship.

I'm glad what you have has worked out for you(so far). But know that, trying to replicate the same results would be a catastrophe for most people.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Why are you posting in this thread? You are not looking for advise, you are okay with how your relationship ( I would not call it a marriage) . What are you looking for?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I sure hope you get yourself tested for STD's regularly.
> 
> When your kids are older, what are you going to tell them? What if they find out she did/does these things, and that you knew, and basically allowed it to happen? Because that's what you're doing by rugsweeping everything.


Yes I have....clean.
M kids are older they know what their mother has done. They saw her coming in at 2 in the morning. 
Just because I did not leave does not mean I allowed to happen. My kids have learned not to run away from your problems. Face them head on and win. My kids are 19,17,15. 
Remember there is mental issues here.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Why are you posting in this thread? You are not looking for advise, you are okay with how your relationship ( I would not call it a marriage) . What are you looking for?


Can I please have my 30 seconds back.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If everyone in this forum would just file for divorce. We would all be happy. Right? This is a bitter place.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> If everyone in this forum would just file for divorce. We would all be happy. Right?


....

No, we wouldn't. Nice trying to put words into people's mouths.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I understand you people's bitterness here. I too was that way. That's my point.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

MrBrains,

To each their own. You have to live in your reality and if this situation is what you want, then more power to you. You live in a one sided open marriage. I couldn't do it. Remember, you have to live with your reality every day. No one else on this board sees your life the way you see it since you are living it. 

For a pro-marriage board, people do advise divorce quickly around here. 

Sometimes the divorce is necessary and sometimes it is not.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Silver lining, the kids are older not many years left in the nest. Make sure you detach from her emotionally, don't say no to sex though.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_fidelity is not a right given by God._

I suppose, but when you married her was there an understanding that you both would be faithful to each other? 

All of us who married with that as part of the agreement, vow whatever you want to call it, had every right to expect it. 

Oh well, to each his own. You can't divorce legally due to mental issues? As a pundit once said, that's the craziest F*cking thing I've ever heard.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Married in VA said:


> MrBrains,
> 
> To each their own. You have to live in your reality and if this situation is what you want, then more power to you. You live in a one sided open marriage. I couldn't do it. Remember, you have to live with your reality every day. No one else on this board sees your life the way you see it since you are living it.
> 
> ...


It's not what I wanted when it started. It's what I have made it now. It was not open. It was bad and someone had to step up and work it. Or step out and leave it. I chose the former. Some of you people will do it too. Talk is a big game until the hammer falls on you on DDay. Your big talk becomes just that. I'm no exception to that rule.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

maincourse99 said:


> _fidelity is not a right given by God._
> 
> I suppose, but when you married her was there an understanding that you both would be faithful to each other?
> 
> ...


Ok I chose my words badly. We do have every right to expect it. People are not infallible is what I meant.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> I understand you people's bitterness here. I too was that way. That's my point.


Dude, nobody who has posted on this thread has shown any sign of bitterness. It's your life, not ours. Seems like you just need some attention and validation and you are projecting some feelings unto other's responses.

Let's be clear, if one is in a marriage where there is psychiatric issues, threats, infidelity(still ongoing, but now the poster is the WS?), and plans to leave after the kids have grown up, I would advise them to divorce. In a HUGE amount of those advices if they follow through, I would be right in thinking that they would be happier in a more stable relationship. Obviously, there is a small amount of people who won't be, and kudos to those.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I do not need validation. I came here to tell my story. It was asked of me. I'm plenty old enough to know bitterness. I don't need half hearted lecture on it.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> What if she cleans you out financially?


She can't. The most she can get is half. I have savy people handling my finances.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Leaving her isn't the only way to not let her get away with it. I didn't leave my husband when he cheated but he sure as hell isn't eating as much cake as your wife. Or ANY cake for that matter. My kids know what he did and they know what he had to do if he wanted to stay married to me. From what you've posted, it's hard to tell what your wife has had to do to stay married to you, besides just keep doing whoever she wants to.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Leaving her isn't the only way to not let her get away with it. I didn't leave my husband when he cheated but he sure as hell isn't eating as much cake as your wife. Or ANY cake for that matter. My kids know what he did and they know what he had to do if he wanted to stay married to me. From what you've posted, it's hard to tell what your wife has had to do to stay married to you, besides just keep doing whoever she wants to.


Me and you are very similar. My wife had to do plenty. My kids know what she's had to do. I'm just not a big fan of long boring posts so I cut out many details. 
BTW do really believe you can keep your husband from doing whoever he wants to? 
My point with the posts is to give BSs hope the reconciliation can happen. My marriage is tainted. She did that. You cannot go back in time and have what you had....ever.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> It does not bother me. I'm my own man. Ya sure she could have done it again. She might have. We are all capable, even her husband. Do the best with what you have...fidelity is not a right given by God.


Fidelity is the choice she has to be with you. That's how that should go.


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

We all have to decide for ourselves what we will and will not tolerate in marriage. I would venture to guess that there are very few who would accept what you have been willing to accept. But, it’s your life and your decision. You have made it with full knowledge of your wife’s previous infidelities and her capacity to continue cheating in the future. I wish you the best.

I chose to divorce my serial cheater and mother of my children who are now in their early 20’s and late teens. She didn’t have a mental illness, but obviously had emotional issues that led her to the choices that she made. I have helped her as much as she has allowed and I think she has made remarkable progress. We have regained our friendship, but I could never see myself married to her again. 

The lesson in this for my children has been that it is okay to set boundaries for what is acceptable treatment from their future spouses. They do not have to tolerate dishonesty and infidelity. But, I hope they have learned from me how to stand up for themselves in a way that is gracious and not vengeful.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Fidelity is the choice she has to be with you. That's how that should go.


I agree. I rue didn't go that way for me. Many pack and run. I could not leave my kids to what might happen.


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## BenDeToy (May 12, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> I agree. I rue didn't go that way for me. Many pack and run. I could not leave my kids to what might happen.


Good for you. You made a decision. You know where you're at. You're sticking by it. Following it through and dealing with it. I admire you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm the one who asked McBrains what his story was, so he posted it here...not for advice, just to share. Which I appreciate.

But McBrains...wow...don't you fear that you are teaching your children that infidelity is ok?


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> My story starts 20 years ago. I met a 19 year old girl at the music store I worked at. Found her to be super hot and smart. I was 29. We married a year later after I found out she was pregnant. I married her because I wanted to live with my daughter and make it work.
> Within the first year of marriage I thought she might be having sex with a woman we both knew. They were both hot. She came home drunk one night and told me she had made it with this girl. I didn't think much of it. I was a young rocker and had seen it in the bus many times. It never happened again.
> Fast forward 8 years. I'm working in medicine, my wife is working at the same hospital in IT. We have 3 kids now. I let her go out with her work buddies all the time. Well one of the young work boys and his friend would go out with the girls from IT when they went out. I didn't know this.
> The two guys would take my wife and one of her friends back to his place and sex it up. He left suck marks all over my wife's body for me to find. I found them Jan. 10th 2002. The second worse day of my life. We went to MC for a year. She lied the whole year and was still seeing #1 during work. I made her quit her job she went to work traveling where she met #2 in Atlanta. Could not find her for 2 days. Met with lawyers and was told not enough evidence for #2 and #1 never happened according to the law. I had slept with her after I knew about it. The next was a EA I guy from her previous work (not #1) was calling and texting her. I stopped that. Then the last was about 2 1/2 years ago Facebook high school friend hit the list. He was taking her out to eat at lunch while I worked. I sent that married banker a message on Facebook from my account and was going to blow the lid off his life. He stopped.
> ...


I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, maybe you aren't communicating what you wanted to as well as you wanted to, what I read from your story was resignation.

Obviously each of us has to live our own lives and you know what you can tolerate - your path would not be one I would recommend or embrace for myself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

MrBrains said:


> BTW do really believe you can keep your husband from doing whoever he wants to?


Absolutely not. I can't keep him from doing anything. If he wasn't actively keeping HIMSELF from doing these things again I wouldn't be with him.

What exactly has your wife had to do?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm the one who asked McBrains what his story was, so he posted it here...not for advice, just to share. Which I appreciate.
> 
> But McBrains...wow...don't you fear that you are teaching your children that infidelity is ok?


Of course I do. But I could not leave them to experience my wife's sexual exploits. Just have to be the best dad I can be 24/7


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ok McBrains...I am glad you feel solid on the ground you are standing on. That is important.

Please be aware though, that you could be causing your kids to have a similar marriage to your own. I do think you should truly consider if that is what you really want or not.

Their mother's sexual exploits could mess them up, sure. But if mom is "just that way" and dad walked away (while still keeping joint custody), got a better life, found a great woman, and showed them what an actual good, committed marriage can look like, then at least they would have one example for their own future to model after.

The way you are doing things, you are basically modeling a marriage where one spouse has sexual exploits and the other spouse is willingly cuckolded by it. How can that be better than a divorce?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Absolutely not. I can't keep him from doing anything. If he wasn't actively keeping HIMSELF from doing these things again I wouldn't be with him.
> 
> What exactly has your wife had to do?


Ok here we go...,,,
All passwords
Watch me install key loggers 
Ask me everytime she left if should could
Hand me her phone on request
Could not be at home alone 
Report back where she had been 24/7
Let me know when she left and when she arrived somewhere
Travel out of town with someone
Changed all accounts to my name
Quit current job with OM

Need more? You know what has to be done for reconciliation.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful wife...hindsight is 20/20. Looking forward is my only choice. I do talk to them a lot. You test my resolve.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> My point with the posts is to give BSs hope the reconciliation can happen.


Planning on waiting until the kids get older before you leave your wife isn't exactly "reconciling" now is it? 

If you're kids are 19,17 and 15 well, let's figure this out for a moment: The 19 year old is LEGALLY an adult, so a judge isn't going to TOUCH that. The 17 year old will probably be 18 before the case even gets before a judge, and judge more than likely won't FORCE a 15 year old to visit their mother (if YOU have custody) if (s)he doesn't want to. 

Also, your kids already KNOW what their mother is doing. Exactly WHAT would you be 'protecting' them from if you divorced their mother? 

I just don't get it. 

Vega


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> McBrains


 :rofl:



MrBrains said:


> Ok here we go...,,,
> All passwords
> Watch me install key loggers
> Ask me everytime she left if should could
> ...


OK, but have you moved past all that? Are you comfortable NOT checking up on her all the time now? Does/did she do these things willingly? Does she let you talk about what she did whenever you need to? Has she had IC to figure out why she's the way she is?

I, too, get a sense of resignation from your posts - you say you can't divorce her, as if you would prefer it if you could. Frankly, you don't really sound very happy, or like you're still with her by choice. I'm pro-R all the way, but only when the WS is truly remorseful. It's not sounding, from what you've posted, like she really is, and it's kinda hard to inspire others with your story if you come across that way, whether it's the way things really are or not.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Why are you posting in this thread? You are not looking for advise, you are okay with how your relationship ( I would not call it a marriage) . What are you looking for?


Because this is Coping With Infidelity and this is him telling us how he is coping with infidelity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I can understand the child raising aspect. Not wanting to leave them to their fate with a damaged person. And I can understand sticking around for financial reasons or a myriad other number. 

I ended up not leaving (for now) after being cheated on, always saying I would. But now, after being through it all I can safely say there would be a 100% chance of my leaving in the future if there were another occurrence. 

I know this because she hasn't cheated again and I think about leaving daily. 


Young men often make poor choices of who to lavish their love on and marry. I did. Most of the men and women here did.


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## LostCPA (Apr 15, 2011)

I don't particularly like Dr Phil, but he has a pretty good saying when it comes to marriages. " Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one." 

I originally tried the recovery route using my children as the reason, but after a false recovery and the discovery of multiple OM, I decided that it was best for me and my chidren to remove us all from the toxic environment that we were in living with WW.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

McBrains, I made a lot of parenting mistakes that I can cleary see in my adult kids now, and it does affect their marriages and lives. 

That's why I send up the warning to you.

We would love to say "oh I did the right thing at the time"...but unfortunately, sometimes we only think it is the right thing.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes
Yes
Yes
Yes
No... I wish she would. She does have abuse in her background.
Remorse cannot be validated with her.
She does lie a lot about needless things.
I agree that it's not a perfect relationship but after an affair your marriage is never what it used to be.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> McBrains, I made a lot of parenting mistakes that I can cleary see in my adult kids now, and it does affect their marriages and lives.
> 
> That's why I send up the warning to you.
> 
> We would love to say "oh I did the right thing at the time"...but unfortunately, sometimes we only think it is the right thing.


Perception is reality "at the time" I'm sure I made mistakes.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But you are in the "now" position where you can actually change things and not have the bad future where your kids end up in cuckolded marriages, too. I can't go back in time, or I would.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> My story starts 20 years ago. I met a 19 year old girl at the music store I worked at. Found her to be super hot and smart. I was 29. We married a year later after I found out she was pregnant. I married her because I wanted to live with my daughter and make it work.
> Within the first year of marriage I thought she might be having sex with a woman we both knew. They were both hot. She came home drunk one night and told me she had made it with this girl. I didn't think much of it. I was a young rocker and had seen it in the bus many times. It never happened again.
> Fast forward 8 years. I'm working in medicine, my wife is working at the same hospital in IT. We have 3 kids now. I let her go out with her work buddies all the time. Well one of the young work boys and his friend would go out with the girls from IT when they went out. I didn't know this.
> The two guys would take my wife and one of her friends back to his place and sex it up. He left suck marks all over my wife's body for me to find. I found them Jan. 10th 2002. The second worse day of my life. We went to MC for a year. She lied the whole year and was still seeing #1 during work. I made her quit her job she went to work traveling where she met #2 in Atlanta. Could not find her for 2 days. Met with lawyers and was told not enough evidence for #2 and #1 never happened according to the law. I had slept with her after I knew about it. The next was a EA I guy from her previous work (not #1) was calling and texting her. I stopped that. Then the last was about 2 1/2 years ago Facebook high school friend hit the list. He was taking her out to eat at lunch while I worked. I sent that married banker a message on Facebook from my account and was going to blow the lid off his life. He stopped.
> ...



I don't know what to say but WOW. 

Sounds like she will have sex with men, women, anywhere, anyplace, anytime, her kids don't matter, you don't matter, its all just a big sex fest for her.

If she obviously has a very HD appetite, she should of told you this in detail and I'm sure you would of made all the effort to please her many desires.

But instead, she sexts, sleeps with women, men, while she's married to you, who cares how it effects the kids and you and respect to the holy bonds of marriage. It's just all a big joke to her.

It's like she has zero self control and will power.

Using mental disorders is not an excuse to have sex with everyone purposely committing adultery on a massive scale.

She has past abuse. That has nothing to do with you, the kids and your marriage. She should of got help and dealt with it before marrying you and having the kids.

I really feel for you. At least you have your health. Hope everything works out for the best in your favor. You deserve this in spades.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Do you realy have a deadline set to blow the marriage after the youngest is out on his own?
Is she aware?
How is she taking care of her mental helth issues? Is she medicated, geting therapy? Commited to get herself checked up?


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> If everyone in this forum would just file for divorce. We would all be happy. Right? This is a bitter place.


Dear Mr Brains: I CANNOT BELIEVE I GOT SUCKED BACK INTO THIS!  Thanks, by the way, for your post.

I was having another bad day and then I thought, why not just check out coping with infidelity, even though, I knew it would set me off...

I don't know why people who have amazing marriages or have no infidelity or believe in immediate divorce or believe that divorce is the only option post here. There are so many other threads, I wish the negative people would go there. I know the owner of this site is probably such an amazing and understanding man and thought COPING WITH INFIDELITY meant that people would write about COPING with infidelity. But alas, to most on here coping means being attacking, name calling - LIKE CUCKOLD? WHERE ARE WE MERRY OLDE ENGLAND 1807? But once in a while someone like you still tries and the people like me appreciate that someone finds hope and happiness and a full life and is living a true meaningful existence - not just attacking and how dare you and aren't you being cuckold and how could you live like that and on and on about things you already have considered in the past but have grown enough to get beyond. You being almost 50, are so wise. Thanks for a great post.

Let the attacks fly....


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Me and you are very similar. My wife had to do plenty. My kids know what she's had to do. I'm just not a big fan of long boring posts so I cut out many details.
> BTW do really believe you can keep your husband from doing whoever he wants to?
> My point with the posts is to give BSs hope the reconciliation can happen. My marriage is tainted. She did that. You cannot go back in time and have what you had....ever.



Words of wisdom


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Dude, nobody who has posted on this thread has shown any sign of bitterness. It's your life, not ours. Seems like you just need some attention and validation and you are projecting some feelings unto other's responses.
> 
> Wow - you really said all that? And you want to be a psychiatrist???? "Seems like you just need some attention and validation..." Seems like you are very immature and deal with threats by attacking.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

boogie110 said:


> Wow - you really said all that? And you want to be a psychiatrist???? "Seems like you just need some attention and validation..." Seems like you are very immature and deal with threats by attacking.


Um, yeah, because I see everyone as a patient, I am obliged to always respond as a wannabe psychiatrist.

And, yes, you know what, I'm extremely tired with posters labeling people who think divorce is a viable option as "angry, bitter, jaded" etc. There was a thread here last month that basically talked about how it was better "not to run away".

But if it was seen as an attack, my apologies to MrBrains.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> I do not need validation. I came here to tell my story. It was asked of me. I'm plenty old enough to know bitterness. I don't need half hearted lecture on it.


 Telling a story like yours without you being very bitter or running to a divorce attorney on this thread is like bleeding from a cut on your leg in a river filled with piranas.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Yes, you know what, I'm extremely tired with posters labeling people who think divorce is a viable option as "angry, bitter, jaded" etc. There was a thread here last month that basically talked about how it was better "not to run away".


Ok, fair enough. Good come back. Thanks.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Ok here we go...,,,
> All passwords
> Watch me install key loggers
> Ask me everytime she left if should could
> ...


That is very thorough. I didn't do that. For me I put my hands up and knew there is no way I can control someone capable of deceiving me so badly yet loving me so much - too illogical for me to handle and I realized there was nothing I could do to stop him from cheating. I couldn't in the past and sure can't now. But glad your wife did what you told her to do. The penalty box in hockey is there for a reason - you do something - you pay the price and you sit there and deal with it and understand you hurt yourself and the team (not always in hockey, but an analogy) - so you made her penalty box very sturdy in that it is a lot more difficult to play the field in your marriage. And with all these rules she realizes everyday the hurt she caused you without you having to tell her daily how much she hurt you. I congratulate you on many accounts.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> My story starts 20 years ago. I met a 19 year old girl at the music store I worked at. Found her to be super hot and smart. I was 29. We married a year later after I found out she was pregnant. I married her because I wanted to live with my daughter and make it work.
> Within the first year of marriage I thought she might be having sex with a woman we both knew. They were both hot. She came home drunk one night and told me she had made it with this girl. I didn't think much of it. I was a young rocker and had seen it in the bus many times. It never happened again.
> Fast forward 8 years. I'm working in medicine, my wife is working at the same hospital in IT. We have 3 kids now. I let her go out with her work buddies all the time. Well one of the young work boys and his friend would go out with the girls from IT when they went out. I didn't know this.
> The two guys would take my wife and one of her friends back to his place and sex it up. He left suck marks all over my wife's body for me to find. I found them Jan. 10th 2002. The second worse day of my life. We went to MC for a year. She lied the whole year and was still seeing #1 during work. I made her quit her job she went to work traveling where she met #2 in Atlanta. Could not find her for 2 days. Met with lawyers and was told not enough evidence for #2 and #1 never happened according to the law. I had slept with her after I knew about it. The next was a EA I guy from her previous work (not #1) was calling and texting her. I stopped that. Then the last was about 2 1/2 years ago Facebook high school friend hit the list. He was taking her out to eat at lunch while I worked. I sent that married banker a message on Facebook from my account and was going to blow the lid off his life. He stopped.
> ...


Mr. Brains... I see you posted a few months before this about your wife being LD... now it makes sense. My hubs and I were so disconnected during my LD period (about 2-3 years after my kids were born in rapid succession) and I'll be honest, as I was with him, I thought about leaving, but never cheating, I couldn't imagine how he would feel and I would place myself in his shoes if a man flirted with me... however, it seems very odd to me, that your wife had sudden LD... Mine was totally child, hormone related. Are you currently working through it, or did you leave her? After that many affairs, you are a strong man to stay, or are you motivated by something else? I think my hubs cheated on me at one point, and if he didn't he was damn close, never could prove it and we worked hard on our marriage (and our sex life)... it's not perfect yet, but nothing is perfect as we imagine in our heads we want things to be... 
I can't help but wonder, with your post about LD/HD, are you still HD over her during reconciliation? You forgave her and still desire her? In this case, with infidelity, LD is inexcusable, and definitely a desire issue. I desired my husband just not as frequently as he did me... goodness.....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MrBrains said:


> I understand you people's bitterness here. I too was that way. That's my point.


Having the self respect to refuse to waste another second of your life on someone who doesn't love, respect, or value you isn't being bitter. 

Your wife is a committed serial cheater, hopefully you children recognize that and won't emulate either her or your staying with a person who doesn't value you.

So what's the arrangement now. Does he keep one bf or have a couple she dates Dom time to time? Do you take vacations together, or does she go alone or with a bf?

I don't see how you are still with her in an open marriage. I call it open since she is free to date without consequences and she knows it.

Why not just move you and the kids and leave her on her own?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm very confused by your situation.

Is she still cheating or has she stopped?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I'm very confused by your situation.
> 
> Is she still cheating or has she stopped?


She stopped about 3 years ago. Last PA was 9 years ago.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

There's much more to my story than this. It just so unbelievable there was no way to put it up and be taken seriously. I tried that at another site and got banned. I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't live through it. Things are better now. Get plenty of sex. No passion what so ever.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm kinda' new... but still sorry to hear that you had to be in CWI club. I hope me coming here has stopped me from becoming "WAYWARD"... 
I'm kinda' glad to hear of another dad's so concerned about kids... I think that and my kids, my religious and moral convictions keep me from following an otherwise bad line of choices.


MrBrains said:


> She stopped about 3 years ago. Last PA was 9 years ago.


So... EA 3 years ago then... right?!?
Does she blame this serial behavior on her mental disorder?
If you are still doing the R checking behind her how did EA happen? Or did you get comfie and stop checking behind her soo much?
How much do you think her mental issues vs. her past (abuse) contributed towards her behaviors with men (outside marriage)?
Have you both gone thru MC or IC?
Has kids needed IC?
Glad to see you shared as it has provided with dialogue... Isn't that what forums are supposed to do in the 1st place!?!?

<edit -2 sp>


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> I'm kinda' new... but still sorry to hear that you had to be in CWI club. I hope me coming here has stopped me from becoming "WAYWARD"...
> I'm kinda' glad to hear of another dad's so concerned about kids... I think that and my kids, my religious and moral convictions keep me from following an otherwise bad line of choices.
> 
> 
> ...


Yes
No she refuses/stops treatment.
Yes now again. But I'm ready to leave.
Yes I got comfie with all the sex. 
90% 
MC 5 different times all but 1 was a joke. 
Kids...no. They seem to be doing ok. 2 in college now. 1 ack. Scholarship 1 Baseball scholarship.
I hope so....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why do think she's cold to you and withholds passion?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Why do think she's cold to you and withholds passion?


I wish I knew . Maybe I'm not as young as she wants, maybe my c*ck is not as big as OM (verified), maybe she's just broken. It's the bane of my life. You can have money, health, kids, cars, great job, but passionless sex trumps all.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

OP,
I am sorry for your issues. I am glad that you have come to terms with you situation and have currently found peace within yourself and your marriage.

I am glad that you came to tell your story, and agree that not all posts on here have to be lucky for help, validation, acceptance, etc. and can be just for one to tell their story and nothing else.

I apologize (even though it is not my responsibility and it will get me called names to, such as mr nice guy, beta, etc) for the way that you are being treated by others. It is not fair that you should be belittled and called names because of your choices. For those that say he is not being picked on, then why call him cuckold, assault his intelligence and choices, tell him he is not happy and has ruined his life. It is you life to do with as you see fit. I find it funny that you are being called a cuckold but nothing is being said about your wife other than she thinks she is in an open marriage (funny how none have referred to her as a wh0re as would be done in other posts, and I am not trying to disrespect her in pointing this out).

I am glad that you can find some happiness in your life, accept things, and live your way (whether others think it is right or wrong).
As for us teaching our kids things by being a bad example, society does that currently. What are we teaching our kids when we laud over the TV drama as it unfolds with the latest celebrity cheating scandal (think Charlie Sheen), or we hold people such as Dr. Phil as role models (think about how that hypocrite chastised others on TV for years while maintaining an affair and lover on the side, yeah we should use him as a good example of what to do).

Thanks again for your story. It is refreshing to hear someone that is happy (who really is to say that he will be happier without his wife, single, or with another woman, as life is a gamble) with their current outcome and not all doom and gloom about everything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MrBrains said:


> I wish I knew . Maybe I'm not as young as she wants, maybe my c*ck is not as big as OM (verified), maybe she's just broken. It's the bane of my life. You can have money, health, kids, cars, great job, but passionless sex trumps all.


Have you tried inciting your own affair with her? She seems to like the secrecy and badness of it?

Since you are in software, I gotta wonder if perhaps you are too logical for her? Meaning engineers like to find THE solution and then deploy it, and stick with it. Perhaps you being less predictable and reliable would get her more fired up?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Have you tried inciting your own affair with her? She seems to like the secrecy and badness of it?
> 
> Since you are in software, I gotta wonder if perhaps you are too logical for her? Meaning engineers like to find THE solution and then deploy it, and stick with it. Perhaps you being less predictable and reliable would get her more fired up?


Yes I've tried. She won't sext me. I sent her a text 3 days ago that said "me + you =69" she replied " yea.. I got work to do". Not sure how to have an affair with her? I have no experience in that side of it. I have become less predictable and less reliable. Im running the MAP and it got better for just a short time. Logic is not the problem. She is a programmer/coder for our business. I do want to find THE solution and deploy it!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> There's much more to my story than this. It just so unbelievable there was no way to put it up and be taken seriously. I tried that at another site and got banned. I wouldn't believe it myself if I didn't live through it. Things are better now. Get plenty of sex. No passion what so ever.


Don't be shy. Get support and advice. 
Did yo uget banned becasue they believed you a troll?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

MrBrains said:


> My thoughts are...
> Who to say the next one would be any better. I'm *happy enough*.


While some here may equate this line of reasoning as _*giving up or settling,*_ I can relate very well... *Happy Enough *. If most of us that chose R were brutally honest with ourselves, this reasoning has been processed at some level.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Acabado said:


> Don't be shy. Get support and advice.
> Did yo uget banned becasue they believed you a troll?


Yes they thought I was a troll. No one could have a real story like that. I have omitted quite a bit here for just that reason. Can't find answers if your not allowed in.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> Of course I do. But I could not leave them to experience my wife's sexual exploits. Just have to be the best dad I can be 24/7


Mr Brains

You simply chose your kids over your personal happiness in your marriage.

And it has made you happy.

I think you are great!

Because if my wife was crazy I would choose my children too!

And still try to help my wife get healthy if possible.

How far do you have your future mapped out?

HM


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

dsGrazzl3D said:


> *Does she blame this serial behavior on her mental disorder?*
> If you are still doing the R checking behind her how did EA happen? Or did you get comfie and stop checking behind her soo much?
> How much do you think her mental issues vs. her past (abuse) contributed towards her behaviors with men (outside marriage)?
> Have you both gone thru MC or IC?
> Has kids needed IC?





MrBrains said:


> Yes
> No she refuses/stops treatment.
> Yes now again. *But I'm ready to leave.*
> Yes I got comfie with all the sex.
> ...


I fear I'm mistaking your answers to dsGrazzl3D's questions.
You are ready to leave now due her refusal to get treatment? If you catch her in new boundarie crossing? UNder what circunstances? Do you have an exit plan?
Can you elaborate?


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