# Teenagers - Sex and Relationships



## Advocado

Would REALLY welcome any tips or experiences on opening/maintaining an ongoing conversation with a young teenager about sex and relationships. My daugher clams up and gets really embarrassed but I don't want her to be ignorant in this area and cannot opt out just to save my own embarrassment or fear of risking her embarrassment.

Does anyone know of a book for parents/teenagers about sex that fits with all/most of the following critieria? 

- can be read by Parent and a Younger Teen (age 13/14 ish) together and separately

- Up-to-date, including topics like staying safe on-line

- Giving details about the mechanics of sex but NOT including detailed descriptions of how to give/receive oral sex for example. (A general definition of what oral sex is would be fine though - just nothing too graphic for this age group I think). 

- Inclusive and non-discriminatory of those of different faiths, sexuality, race, backgrounds 

- Moralistic but not too preachy 

- Consequences of unprotected sex, e.g. STD, pregnancy, reputation

- Includes stuff about staying safe and the possible dangers of substance abuse.

- Gives examples of how easy it is to fall into behaviours you'll likely later regret and gives guidance for how the teen can weight up pro and cons of a behaviour and reach their own decision on what to do based on facts/knowledge, i.e. helping them to think for themselves rather than simply doing/not doing things just because my friend/parent said so. (hope I’m making sense here). 

- Confidence building, being your own person, not giving in to peer pressure

- Talks about feelings, anxieties, and curiosities (providing answers). 

- Takes away the some of the embarrassment factors for both parent and child on the topic of sex and relationship.



I know this is a tall order for one book but here's hoping. (Also any tips on opening/maintaining an ongoing conversation on the topic would be very welcome.)


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## Advocado

C'mon everybody, do share ...


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## HappyHer

I had the "talk" with my children before puberty. I also had very strong boundaries, no dating until 15 with group dates only, then "real" dates at 16, depending on their responsibility level and maturity level. I didn't use a book but can understand how some parents/and children may feel more comfortable with a book. I would suggest these for starters:

How to Talk with Teens About Love, Relationships, & S-E-X: A Guide for Parents at Amazon.com: How to Talk with Teens About Love, Relationships, & S-E-X: A Guide for Parents (9781575421025): Charles D.&#133;

The Real Truth About Teens and Sex: From Hooking Up to Friends with Benefits--What Teens Are Thinking, Doing, and Talking About, and How to Help Them Make Smart Choices at Amazon.com: The Real Truth About Teens and Sex: From Hooking Up to Friends with Benefits--What Teens Are Thinking, Doing, and Talking About, and How to Help Them Make Smart Choices: Sabrina Weill: Books


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## Advocado

Many thanks for these links Happy - these look very comprehensive. "Friends with Benefits" is a new term for me so guess I really do need to read up.

My DD doesn't even like me to mention her monthlies let alone anything remotely related to sex and so need to really tread carefully but be sure she is clued up and able to make sensible choices. She NEVER asks any questions at all but I'm pretty sure it is the case that she wants to know more about sex and all that goes with it, but doesn't want to be seen to be wanting to know more if you see what I mean.


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## HappyHer

You're welcome! I hope they help. 

My daughter was very shy about her monthlies too when she was younger. It's funny, I remember my son and I chatting away while I was picking up different feminine items, looking for the best for her, and she was WAY in another aisle. She would have nothing to do with even picking her own supplies out. They do outgrow that eventually.

Keep talking to your daughter about it. She'll eventually open up. I usually opt for the "I heard -insert topic-, what do you think about that?" I think I used that conversation starter to talk about how you can get pregnant without penetration, how there is a difference between STI's and STD's, or anything else I felt was an important topic. They seemed to be more open to answering questions and talking about things if it just seemed like a "by the way" conversation and not "The TALK". Oh, and usually in the car too - go figure.


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## turnera

Cars are good, but I used walks. Start taking her on walks. Not to talk about 'that' but just to walk and talk. It's nonconfrontational, she doesn't have to look at you so less embarrassing. If you have a dog to walk, it's a good excuse.

Go to Daughters.com and start printing out their old newsletters if you still can. If you can't, see if you can sit with her and read the website from time to time. It was a goldmine of information for my daughter, and it also gave me a great way to bring up such subjects. "Look at what this girl did; do you think she should have done that? What do 'they' do at your school?" Stuff like that.

fyi, unless she's very sheltered, she most likely knows more about it than *you *do, if she's 13. I watched 6th graders making out in dark corners at my daughter's junior high. THEY KNOW.

The best way to approach it it so NOT make it mysterious, or sinful, or shameful, or bad. Explain that it is part of nature, what people do. The only thing to keep in mind is, at what age should you do this thing or that thing? Get her to start thinking about consequences. Watch shows on TV like Baby Daddy or Pregnant and 16, so she can see what a moment of sneaking can end up in, and watches them learn how to cope, now that they've altered their lives for forever.


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## Advocado

Umm, this website looks useful Turnera, and maybe you and Happy have hit on where I may have been going wrong - whenever I have broached the subject there has been nothing else at all going on at the time, so will definitely try to make it more "by the way" instead of the main event so to speak.


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## swedish

While this is a bit outdated (does not include online safety) I gave 'Asking about sex and Growing up' by Joanna Cole to all 3 of my kids when they were middle school age (12-13)

I liked it because it covered body changes, masturbation, crushes and other topics that explain some of what they are feeling going through puberty.

I was shy about these talks when I was that age but would have appreciated something I could read on my own. I would not push an interactive talk...but I tend to talk to my kids when I hear something in the news and try to keep up with the current scary trends...with my eldest (20 now) it was huffing (which I happened to have a friend die of when we were 12), temporary tattoos that had drugs in them & more recently sexting, online safety, skittles parties (kids taking prescription drugs from home and putting them together in a pile to take together)....I will discuss things like this that I hear in the news...even if they don't engage verbally, it sinks in and also lets them know you are there if/when they do need to talk.


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## turnera

That's a great point. She needs to hear you talk - a LOT - about this, that, and everything. She WILL absorb your opinions as her own. That's your job, to let her know your opinions. But don't just spout off - give her your reasoning. I raised my DD19 with logic; meaning, every opinion I had ('it's dumb to have sex in high school') was followed up by the reasoning for my opinion ('if I had got pregnant, I would never have been able to get through college and become a XYZ; so I'd be giving up my whole life's career plan, just to please some kid who probably couldn't care less about me, he just wanted some'). 

Let her hear your logic, and if it's sound, she will adopt it for her own reasoning.


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## swedish

turnera said:


> She WILL absorb your opinions as her own.


:iagree:

And on the flip side, if teens don't hear it from their parents, they may believe what they hear from their peers who sometimes give incorrect information (you cannot get pregnant the first time, etc.)


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## HappyHer

Very true swedish. It pays to work past the comfort level and get very specific with talking about sex.


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