# Divorcing and pregnant



## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

I’m just about 12 weeks pregnant and I’m divorcing my husband because he had an affair. I have a 2 year old with him already and he was the one who wanted the second baby so bad. What I don’t get is how can someone have a sexual affair with someone else while trying to get their wife pregnant. Well he did and I have decided to divorce. He wants to work it out. But you shouldn’t just work it out because of a baby right? He is also a bad alcoholic and has been to some therapy but it hasn’t helped. I guess I just need some advice that I’m doing the right thing.


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## SeekingKnowledge (Jul 1, 2018)

IMO, nobody here will be able to tell you what is right, unfortunately. I am so sorry you are going through this and at such a time when you will need support. I am certain people will tell you a ton of advice on here but I am just confident that every person has a journey to go through and no one can know what is right for you, but you. That is my opinion at least. I hope you have family to lean on and help you figure it out. Therapy and counseling are great if he is willing. However, you would need some serious discussions with him and the ability to trust may never fully come back for years and years, if ever. Regardless, you can always vent your frustrations here and hope that one of us will be able to guide but right now I would say you might try and think long and hard about what is right for you and our son, not necisarrily him right now. He will forever be your kids’ father, but right now he messed up and will need some time too. It will help him to be alone to figure out what the recourse should be to win you back if you are even willing. If you have family to fall back to then that is where you should probably go. Keep you and the kiddo safe. Maybe get some alone time too and have someone look after your 2 year old for a bit so you can reflect and see if you would even consider trying to make things work. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you are able to heal from this.


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

SeekingKnowledge said:


> IMO, nobody here will be able to tell you what is right, unfortunately. I am so sorry you are going through this and at such a time when you will need support. I am certain people will tell you a ton of advice on here but I am just confident that every person has a journey to go through and no one can know what is right for you, but you. That is my opinion at least. I hope you have family to lean on and help you figure it out. Therapy and counseling are great if he is willing. However, you would need some serious discussions with him and the ability to trust may never fully come back for years and years, if ever. Regardless, you can always vent your frustrations here and hope that one of us will be able to guide but right now I would say you might try and think long and hard about what is right for you and our son, not necisarrily him right now. He will forever be your kids’ father, but right now he messed up and will need some time too. It will help him to be alone to figure out what the recourse should be to win you back if you are even willing. If you have family to fall back to then that is where you should probably go. Keep you and the kiddo safe. Maybe get some alone time too and have someone look after your 2 year old for a bit so you can reflect and see if you would even consider trying to make things work. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you are able to heal from this.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Thanks you so much! Yes unfortunately the trust is already been gone before this happened. I appreciate your kind words and advice!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Being that he is an alcoholic and has cheated, I can fully understand why you want to end the marriage. It wont be easy, with his constant heavy drinking he wont be safe to have the children ever live with him alone, please make sure you tell your lawyer that, so you will be a real single mum. I hope you have family who can help support you, it wont be easy to care for 2 small children alone. 
Like you I just dont get how he could have an affair while trying to get you pregnant.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe he wanted you to get pregnant to make it harder for you to leave?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

If a guy will cheat while he is trying to get his wife pregnant the chances are very high IMO that he will cheat again, no matter how sorry he is, how much he cries and begs, he is that guy. So with that I think you are doing the right thing.


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## SeekingKnowledge (Jul 1, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe he wanted you to get pregnant to make it harder for you to leave?


That may be a valid point if seeking answers but we may never know the truth behind it. It really just demonstrates how poor his decision making skills are... likely as a result of the drinking too. I know when I drank that mot inhibitions would lower significantly opposed to being sober. It would probably take a miracle to self-induce sobriety before he knew what he truly wanted. Even then, the trust is gone so that will likely cause for continued friction down the way. Searching for answers is human nature, but there is no answer that will be good enough to explain what has transpired in my opinion. The hurt is too significant and the vulnerability yielded from allowing a 2/3/4th chance only makes things potentially risky. 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are up against two men. One weak, one very strong.

Your husband is weak.

The man in the bottle is stronger by 7.
7 PM.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Did he have an ongoing affair or was he just drunk one night and made a horrible choice? Because if he got truly sober I can see maybe forgiving the latter but I could not forgive the former. And I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't either.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...I can't imagine how you're feeling. But given that he is an alcoholic and has made such poor choices in your marriage I can't help but think you are doing the right thing.

TAM is a great place for continued support. I do hope you also have family and friends to help you out right now.

_hugs_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SeekingKnowledge said:


> That may be a valid point if seeking answers but we may never know the truth behind it. It really just demonstrates how poor his decision making skills are... likely as a result of the drinking too. I know when I drank that mot inhibitions would lower significantly opposed to being sober. It would probably take a miracle to self-induce sobriety before he knew what he truly wanted. Even then, the trust is gone so that will likely cause for continued friction down the way. Searching for answers is human nature, but there is no answer that will be good enough to explain what has transpired in my opinion. The hurt is too significant and the vulnerability yielded from allowing a 2/3/4th chance only makes things potentially risky.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Oh, I agree that there is no answer that justifies anything he's done....I'm suggesting that this is indicative of his plans.

Pregnancies have been used to control women since the dawn of man because it makes us vulnerable and more dependent. For a serial cheater who has no intention of stopping getting his wife pregnant is his best shot at holding on to her because its daunting to leave during pregnancy or with a young child.

That makes him a special kind of scumbag IMO. Him wanting to "work it out" may very well translate to trying to keep her tethered to him with more kids while he continues to have affairs. That's what his behavior suggests.


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## SeekingKnowledge (Jul 1, 2018)

lifeistooshort said:


> Oh, I agree that there is no answer that justifies anything he's done....I'm suggesting that this is indicative of his plans.
> 
> Pregnancies have been used to control women since the dawn of man because it makes us vulnerable and more dependent.
> 
> Him wanting to "work it out" may very well translate to trying to keep her tethered to him with more kids while he continues to have affairs. That's what his behavior suggests.


I agree with all these assertions. No doubt. Good points. Just trying to focus on the parts that allow someone to move on versus give reason (and/or validity) behind some of the history that has already transpired. Sure we all get stuck in a pattern of ‘why’ but eventually we have to pick up the pieces and move on. I looked up the history on her postings and this is something that has been brewing and there seems to be domestic violence too..Super frustrating when women are unable to get the needed help to leave the relationship under those pretenses . So unfortunate and it upsets me that any guy (or woman) would try to benefit the relationship off a pregnancy, as it does happen on both sides. I hope that there is some deep reflection and recourse that allows her the strength to make the hard choices for the life ahead. I will say that this forum is beneficial to help guide, but far too often (not you, just saying) people are quick to give specific advise without really knowing the facts. Granted, we only know what is divulged in the discussion, but I believe in every case there are 3 truths... Each person’s interpretation and then the truth... somewhere between all that there in lie’s the truth. Our help should be to point to resources that allow for a healthy and safe recovery from this. 

Cheers @lifeistooshort ; and I love that moniker as it is one of my life’s mottos as well.



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## Puppey26 (Nov 3, 2020)

Wow ! Congrats!


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe he wanted you to get pregnant to make it harder for you to leave?


My sister said the same thing! She thinks he was trying to trap me from leaving. But babies don’t fix marriages.


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> Did he have an ongoing affair or was he just drunk one night and made a horrible choice? Because if he got truly sober I can see maybe forgiving the latter but I could not forgive the former. And I wouldn't blame you if you couldn't either.
> 
> I'm so sorry you're going through this...I can't imagine how you're feeling. But given that he is an alcoholic and has made such poor choices in your marriage I can't help but think you are doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


Well it was about a month long affair. But every time he met her he was drunk. Not that that excuses it! It definitely doesn’t! But I do think there is a connection with alcohol and affairs for some people. It is an addiction thing. And thank you! I do have support from family and friends!


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> You are up against two men. One weak, one very strong.
> 
> Your husband is weak.
> 
> ...


Yes our therapist thinks all his problems stem from the alcohol addiction.


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

SeekingKnowledge said:


> I agree with all these assertions. No doubt. Good points. Just trying to focus on the parts that allow someone to move on versus give reason (and/or validity) behind some of the history that has already transpired. Sure we all get stuck in a pattern of ‘why’ but eventually we have to pick up the pieces and move on. I looked up the history on her postings and this is something that has been brewing and there seems to be domestic violence too..Super frustrating when women are unable to get the needed help to leave the relationship under those pretenses . So unfortunate and it upsets me that any guy (or woman) would try to benefit the relationship off a pregnancy, as it does happen on both sides. I hope that there is some deep reflection and recourse that allows her the strength to make the hard choices for the life ahead. I will say that this forum is beneficial to help guide, but far too often (not you, just saying) people are quick to give specific advise without really knowing the facts. Granted, we only know what is divulged in the discussion, but I believe in every case there are 3 truths... Each person’s interpretation and then the truth... somewhere between all that there in lie’s the truth. Our help should be to point to resources that allow for a healthy and safe recovery from this.
> 
> Cheers @lifeistooshort ; and I love that moniker as it is one of my life’s mottos as well.
> 
> ...


Yes he has also been abusive in the past. Which our therapist also thinks stems from the alcohol. I just don’t think there is ever a chance for someone like that and that is why we are divorcing.


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Being that he is an alcoholic and has cheated, I can fully understand why you want to end the marriage. It wont be easy, with his constant heavy drinking he wont be safe to have the children ever live with him alone, please make sure you tell your lawyer that, so you will be a real single mum. I hope you have family who can help support you, it wont be easy to care for 2 small children alone.
> Like you I just dont get how he could have an affair while trying to get you pregnant.


Yes I have mentioned that to him many times that he won’t be able to take my children without supervision. Yes I do have supportive family and friends. Luckily! And I am worried about being alone when the baby is born. But I will be okay.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Andelee said:


> Yes he has also been abusive in the past. Which our therapist also thinks stems from the alcohol. I just don’t think there is ever a chance for someone like that and that is why we are divorcing.


YES!!! You ARE doing the RIGHT thing!

Good luck!!!!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Andelee said:


> I’m just about 12 weeks pregnant and I’m divorcing my husband because he had an affair. I have a 2 year old with him already and he was the one who wanted the second baby so bad. What I don’t get is how can someone have a sexual affair with someone else while trying to get their wife pregnant. Well he did and I have decided to divorce. He wants to work it out. But you shouldn’t just work it out because of a baby right? He is also a bad alcoholic and has been to some therapy but it hasn’t helped. I guess I just need some advice that I’m doing the right thing.


No you don't work it out just because of a baby. He cheated on you after he wanted you to get pregnant and is an alcoholic. How is this going to make for a good father figure?

Only you can know if you want to work this out. And what has he done to work this out? just say we need to work it out? beg? 
You are in an unfortunate spot but I"m afraid with the current description it doesn't sound like he's marriage/father material.

Do you have anything you want to add?


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> YES!!! You ARE doing the RIGHT thing!
> 
> Good luck!!!!


Thank you so much!


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## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> No you don't work it out just because of a baby. He cheated on you after he wanted you to get pregnant and is an alcoholic. How is this going to make for a good father figure?
> 
> Only you can know if you want to work this out. And what has he done to work this out? just say we need to work it out? beg?
> You are in an unfortunate spot but I"m afraid with the current description it doesn't sound like he's marriage/father material.
> ...


Thank you! He doesn’t want a divorce but I’m sticking to it! You’re right I believe he is very immature and not marriage material! What a good way to word it!


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