# Was feeling strong, now back down



## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

I'm new. I can't find the definition of 180, so please help with that. 

This is really long. sorry.

My story is that my husband asked for a separation a month ago and already we live in different houses (we have a 5yo son) and are sharing custody etc. He gives me the 'talk to the hand' any time I try to share my feelings on the matter, which I rarely do. I've remained just how he'd like me to be, in his words: civil and respectful. for the most part: I had one Jerry Springer moment.

He's done/said a lot of things that have helped me decide already that I don't want him as my husband. He initially wanted a trial sep. but has been cold and selfish and just tonight I found out that he has gotten back in touch with the women he had an EA with during our marriage 2 years past. I'm trying to remain civil, but could use some support here.

Here's the thread:

Me: I also wanted to clear up with you that we were still planning on keeping eachother abreast of developing new relationships while we're still married right? I went to your wall on facebook and saw that you friended <EA women's name>. Do what you want of course, but I thought we were going to be open and honest about the terms of the separation? Please be clear with me...I can handle it. Keeping me in the dark is the most disrespectful thing you could do at this point. I'm accepting you not trying to 'get me back' or wanting to be with me any longer, but could you at least be honest with me so I can trust you as a friend/co-parent? You don't have to hide things from me any more <H>. I'm no longer invested in a romantic way. I just want to trust you and you being totally open with me is the only way I can do that. I still have this gut feeling that there's something(s) I don't know re:your female relationships as we've been separating and it's the only thing holding me back from being able to have a healthy relationship with you.

H: As far as the <EA> thing goes I have a couple of questions/statements. Why after "de-friending me on Facebook are you looking at my page? You told me that you wanted nothing to do with seeing my life on there (or something similar). I reconnected with <EA> to be able to say hello. Obviously that connection has had a significant effect on our lives and when you asked me to never talk to her again as to foster our relationship I did. No contact with <EA> since then. Two years later: I have the right and option to say hello and explain why I have not spoken to her for two years. That seems pretty reasonable to me. I have no romantic interest in her. I am trying to piece my life together after this separation and closure is important. 

This separation was required for me to be able to focus on myself. I am in no hurry to dive into anything with anybody. I am trying to balance a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable change while maintaining a sense of balance. I am still very unsure about where this separation will bring us as a married couple. You have made it clear that you are "moving on". This hurts slightly , but I understand. I mean come on <me>: regardless of you contacting anybody or anybody contacting you, you still have browsed the cyber web of personal services.

I do not feel the need to report to you my daily ongoings. This requirement has taxed our relationship so much that it is extremely frustrating to still have to dance around your mistrust of me. The requirement of us maintain a healthy co-parent relationship is still in place. I do not mix my personal life with my time with <son>. If I begin a relationship with a woman who is going to be a consistent part of my (ie: Finn's) life then I will let you know. This is not currently the case and won't be for some time. We both know that there is far more than a "gut feeling" that is holding us back from having a healthy relationship.

and the last line of my response (ouch, I know):

"And for the record: I know exactly where this separation is leading us as a married couple: divorced."

Tell me the truth, Am I out of line or is this person hopeless?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

A definition of a 180 is basically doing the opposite of what you would normally do.

I would suggest reading Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. She touches on that subject a lot.

The last part of the email you should have left out, honestly.
Your M may end in divorce, and it might not.

I would suggest no contact with him except for issues regarding your child. All other talk should be avoided and this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

Thanks for your response. I know that last line is something I may always regret, but he's done nothing but seek out female "friends" during this separation and I don't know how to work with that. I'm not sure, but I think my 180 would be to honor myself and not give a crap about what he does and with whom. I'll try that. I wish I could make the hurt and anger stop. It's so debilitating.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You're out of line. I agree with your husband, if the separation is just a step to divorce then he has no obligation to keep you informed of whom he is keeping company with.


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## LookingForTheH20 (Jun 24, 2011)

To be clear, the separation was not originally intended to be a step to divorce, he wanted to figure out who he is outside the marriage etc. and then go to counseling in hopes of reconciliation...I was in agreement on that. But by immediately contacting the EA without telling me, I don't see how that is honoring our marriage?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He wants out and is befriending someone he had an affair with again.

That to me says it all.

I wouldn't keep tabs on him or search his page or try to find out where he's at with his "other women." To me it sounds like he is done. The more you pursue him and act jealous, the worse you will appear in his eyes.

Get strong and be done with him. Sounds like he's already gone.


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