# Monster in law killed our marriage or did He?



## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

I have been married for almost 4 years; we have a 7 month old son. To keep this to manageable size, suffice it to say that my mothers in law absolutely hate each other. Our interaction is limited to events in which she snarls at me to the point of being nicknamed by a few friends as “junk yard dog” My husband is always attempting please his mother and is constantly making excuses for her behavior. At my sons Christening, she, my father in law and brother in law, took the front pew at church (you know the one reserved for baby his parents and godparents) throughout the service while I was standing on the alter holding my son she snarled at me to the point that one of the Godparents actually repositioned themselves to block my view of her. After the service she was rude to me in front of my husband, who claims he didn’t notice. At the party she not only continued to snarl at me, she placed my son face down on a dirty plastic tablecloth on a plastic outside table, my husband was right there and did nothing. Fast-forward a few months, my husband wants to take the baby to her for Christmas (Last Christmas while I was pregnant he actually went to florida alone to spend Christmas with his mother and family) I said no because after the Christening we together agreed that she owed me an apology and that this year Christmas was mine and the baby’s. Well he pushed and pushed and repeatedly requested a sit down with his mother to get everything out on the table. I stated and he agreed that I wasn’t going to get into a long discussion about past events until she apologized for her behavior at the Christening. He asked me what I was going to say and I said “I am very angry about your behavior at the christening, you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” My husband stated he was fine with me saying that. In January She showed up for the sit down at my home, and came with a real attitude (my husband agrees she had a major attitude and was rude) My husband asked me to tell her why I was upset about her behavior at the Christening I said “you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” She jumped up and screamed “that’s just my face”, I produced a picture of her snarling (1 of many that I have) and asked” is this your face, is this what you want the baby to associate with you” to which she grabbed the picture, threw it at me and started screaming” F%$# You, F%$# You, F%$# your whole family” I walked to the door opened it and told her to “Get out of my house” She continued to scream her F%$#’s and stated “YOUR HOUSE, NO this is (Husbands Name) HOUSE”. I repeated “GET OUT of my house” My dear husband stood up and was saying Mom please calm down, calm down, When she finally walked out the door still screaming my husband stood in the doorway blocking me from closing the door once he finally moved and I closed the door he started yelling at me that it was all my fault, I should have been nicer, “I know that’s what you said you were going to say but you should have been nicer” After 4 years of him allowing his mom to treat me like crap and him defending her and making himself look damn foolish with the excuses he makes up to excuse her behavior, I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left. 
After I left, my husband claims he called his mother and “laced into her” but also went to visit his brother (who he himself has repeatedly stated he is not close too) who happens to live with monster in law and that night he delivered the Christmas gifts he had for his Mom, Dad and brother. But yet he insists he doesn’t want a divorce and wants us to work thing out. Now heres where I need opinions: DOES anyone else think it was inappropriate for him to deliver gifts to his mother within hours of his mother screaming F%$# you F%$# you to his wife, and then claiming he defends his wife and doesn’t want a divorce???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are a few things here… 


If my husband left me on a Christmas to visit with his family in another state there would be hell to pay. It would be even worse if I was pregnant. 


You could have handled the meeting a lot better. What did you think was going to happen when you called her a "junk yard dog"? Did you really think that was going to get you any reaction other than the one you got? Was that really your attempt to make things better between the two of you?


You did say that your husband tried to defuse the situation. That’s a good sign.




Lily Rose said:


> I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left.



So after you left your husband and told him that you are getting a divorce, you are upset because he hours later he took presents to his mother and family. 

You telling him that you are divorcing him and leaving your home is mean and abusive. But then you want to know if his behavior was wrong?

I think that if you want to be forgiven for your significant contributions to the problems by calling his mom a junk yard dog to her face and then stomping out of your marital home telling your husband you are divorcing him. Then you are going to have to forgive him for wanting to be with his brother and family after he thought he’d lost is wife and children.


There are a few things here… 


If my husband left me on a Christmas to visit with his family in another state there would be hell to pay. It would be even worse if I was pregnant. 


You could have handled the meeting a lot better. What did you think was going to happen when you called her a "junk yard dog"? Did you really think that was going to get you any reaction other than the one you got? Was that really your attempt to make things better between the two of you?


You did say that your husband tried to defuse the situation. That’s a good sign.




Lily Rose said:


> I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left.



So after you left your husband and told him that you are getting a divorce, you are upset because he hours later he took presents to his mother and family. 

You telling him that you are divorcing him and leaving your home is mean and abusive. But then you want to know if his behavior was wrong?

I think that if you want to be forgiven for your significant contributions to the problems by calling his mom a junk yard dog to her face and then stomping out of your marital home telling your husband you are divorcing him. Then you are going to have to forgive him for wanting to be with his brother and family after he thought he’d lost is wife and children.


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## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

I seemed to have cut the story too short, I am sorry this is so long but I need people to give opinions based on full disclosure. 

I married a man who has had one prior marriage, lived with his parents and helped them out financially. Upon our engagement, my family and I invited and hosted his family for an introduction dinner, Easter and Thanksgiving. Although I did invite them for Christmas, they did not come and after they learned that they were not included for Christmas Eve at my ill Grandmothers, I was told they wouldn’t be coming for Christmas day as I had “ruined thanksgiving for their other adult son” by not having his traditional stuffing from a local store. The following Easter my mother in law decided to have the holiday at her house- I was not invited. 

For the rehearsal dinner for our wedding, I was told that his mother insisted on hosting, but that I would have no say (we had wanted the rehearsal dinner to be small just immediate family and bridal party) no his mother wanted all her of town guest but did not want to include my Grandparents (I am extremely close with them and since I was raised by a single mother, my Grandfather would be dancing the father daughter dance with me.) My mother offered a compromise, she would host a small rehearsal lunch for immediate family and bridal party and his mother could host the rehearsal dinner and invite who she wanted. Two weeks before the wedding She sent me an email stating she was cancelling the rehearsal dinner as she “would not be up to doing a do” after being out for lunch and then to church for the rehearsal. As it turns out she did host a party at her home the night of the rehearsal and served/catered dinner for out of town guest, her family and my husband – I was NOT invited. She justified this by claiming it wasn’t a rehearsal dinner but a bachelor party - guests to this “Bachelor party” included grooms mother, sister, and aunts. The following day the groom and a group of male relatives went on a golf outing. At the rehearsal lunch she showed up in a wrinkled green tee shirt, with a puss and pout, when I gave her a gift I had bought for her, she didn’t even say thank you.

At the wedding she literally snarled at me as I was walking down the aisle and as we were taking our vows (well documented on video and still pictures) she snubbed me on the receiving line. And refused to speak to me during the reception but snarled at me every chance she got. She showed up at the after party for about 5 minutes and loudly announced that she wouldn’t be staying because she was in too much pain as the places I selected for the wedding had too many stairs and she needed to go home to bed. Fact – She had a number of guests back to her house for her own after party. 

Years passed and we were expecting our first child, that Christmas she wanted my husband to go to Florida to spend the holiday with HIS family. I didn’t go for several reasons, 1 I didn’t want to fly in the first trimester, I didn’t want to spend the holiday with people who have displayed nothing but distain for me in 4 years, and that I had final exams on the dates my husband was expected to be there before Christmas. My husband decided to go and he spent the holiday with HIS family, not his pregnant wife. 

My mother hosted a surprise baby shower for me and did not invite his mother; my husband called my mother and asked about why his mother didn’t get an invite. My mother explained that she made the decision because 1- his mother seems to like to do things separate from our family 2- she wanted me to enjoy the day and not be stress with his mother being there pouting and making faces at me 3- My mother just wasn’t comfortable hosting his mother anymore. My mother told my husband that if his mother was upset she would be happy to speak to her and explain that the decision was hers alone.

My mother in law was away when our baby was born but my husband had her on speaker phone so she could hear him announce our son’s arrival in the hospital waiting room to my mom and sister. She was invited to the christening and did show up at the church an sat in the front row, the row reserved for the baby’s parents and godparents (I assume this was just her ignorance of etiquette) during the service when I was standing on the alter holding my son, she was snarling at me throughout the service. After the service she repeatedly announced that she wanted pictures with her, my husband and the baby only and I want this in the background so “my name, you have to move” she showed up an hour late to the party at my house and she, her husband and other son were the ONLY guests that did not congratulate me, offer help, thank for being invited or some other pleasantry. After she her husband, my husband, and his brother ate, My husband, ever eager to please his mom brought her the baby, which she held for under three minutes then placed on face down on the dirty plastic tablecloth on a plastic table on uneven grass, my husband sat there and did/said NOTHING. Upon seeing this I walked over picked up my son and said I’ll burp him. Her evil eyes and junk yard scowl followed me across the yard. My husband responded by later pulling the baby from my mother’s arms. This is an ongoing habit every time His mother pulls a stunt, he attempts to stir trouble with or insult my mother. 

Fast-forward a few months, my husband wants to take the baby to her for Christmas (remember Last Christmas while I was pregnant he actually went to Florida alone to spend Christmas with his mother and family) I said no because after the Christening we together agreed that she owed me an apology and that this year Christmas was mine and the baby’s. I had also just buried my beloved Grandfather. I had told my husband that I saw no hope for this marriage his only concern seems to be trying to win his mother’s love and approval, and he sacrifices me at every turn, he stated he thought there was hope for our marriage and said he agreed his mother had no true interest in being Grandma, and that she owed me an apology for her behavior. He also agreed he owed my mom an apology (he still hasn’t done that). 

We have been going to counseling, and even the counselor has stated that my husband just doesn’t want to see his mother for who she is or what she does. My husband pushed and pushed and repeatedly requested a sit down with his mother to get everything out on the table, he repeatedly stated he did not expect to resolve things he just wanted everything out on the table. At counseling he agreed he did not think this would resolve anything but he wanted everything out on the table. I stated and he agreed that I wasn’t going to get into a long discussion about past events until she apologized for her behavior at the Christening. He asked me what I was going to say and I said “I am very angry about your behavior at the christening, you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” My husband stated he was fine with me saying that, exactly that – honestly since his mother intimidates everyone in his family I think he thought I would back down and not use that term. 

In January She showed up for the sit down at my home, and came with a real attitude (my husband agrees she had a major attitude and was rude) She growled at me and made a couple of nasty remarks, My husband asked me to tell her why I was upset about her behavior at the Christening I said “you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” She jumped up and screamed “that’s just my face”, I produced a picture of her snarling (1 of many that I have) and asked” is this your face, is this what you want the baby to associate with you” to which she grabbed the picture, threw it at me and started screaming” F%$# You, F%$# You, F%$# your whole family” I walked to the door opened it and told her to “Get out of my house” She continued to scream her F%$#’s and stated “YOUR HOUSE, NO this is (Husbands Name) HOUSE”. I repeated “GET OUT of my house” My husband stood up and was saying Mom please calm down, calm down, When she finally walked out the door still screaming my husband stood in the doorway blocking me from closing the door once he finally moved and I closed the door he started yelling at me that it was all my fault, I should have been nicer, “I know that’s what you said you were going to say but you should have been nicer” After 4 years of him allowing his mom to treat me like crap and him defending her and making himself look damn foolish with the excuses he makes up to excuse her behavior, I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left. 

After I left, my husband claims he called his mother and “laced into her”. But a week later after I went twice more to counseling with him, he told counselor his mother was out of line that night, that he was wrong to blame me, and that he wanted to make our marriage work. 

A week later, by accident I learned that the night of the sit-down after I left my husband actually went to “visit his brother” (who he himself has repeatedly stated he is not close too) who happens to live with monster in law and that night he delivered the Christmas gifts he had for his Mom, Dad and brother. But yet he insists he doesn’t want a divorce and wants us to work thing out. Now here’s where I need opinions: DOES anyone else think it was inappropriate for him to deliver gifts to his mother within hours of his mother screaming F%$# you F%$# you to his wife, and still adamantly claim he defends his wife and doesn’t want a divorce???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's really had to read responses without paragraph breaks. You won't get too many responses with it blocked like that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lilly,

What I am about to say is to help you get input here. Not to give you a hard time.

Most people here will not read a 3 page long post that is a lot of run-on text. You need to add some paragraphs so that people will read what you post. This thread largely repeats what was in your first most. You would be better served to just add more detail to your orginal thread then to keep creating new ones. Keep your story together becuase it's hard to search for the back story.

The only reason I read your post is that I copied it into MS Word and put white space into it. I'll repost your words so that maybe others will read your very long post.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Here is Lilly's OP with some paragraphs so that others can read it.*

I seemed to have cut the story too short, I am sorry this is so long but I need people to give opinions based on full disclosure. I married a man who has had one prior marriage, lived with his parents and helped them out financially.

Upon our engagement, my family and I invited and hosted his family for an introduction dinner, Easter and Thanksgiving. Although I did invite them for Christmas, they did not come and after they learned that they were not included for Christmas Eve at my ill Grandmothers, I was told they wouldn’t be coming for Christmas day as I had “ruined thanksgiving for their other adult son” by not having his traditional stuffing from a local store. The following Easter my mother in law decided to have the holiday at her house- I was not invited. 

For the rehearsal dinner for our wedding, I was told that his mother insisted on hosting, but that I would have no say (we had wanted the rehearsal dinner to be small just immediate family and bridal party) no his mother wanted all her of town guest but did not want to include my Grandparents (I am extremely close with them and since I was raised by a single mother, my Grandfather would be dancing the father daughter dance with me.)

My mother offered a compromise, she would host a small rehearsal lunch for immediate family and bridal party and his mother could host the rehearsal dinner and invite who she wanted. Two weeks before the wedding She sent me an email stating she was cancelling the rehearsal dinner as she “would not be up to doing a do” after being out for lunch and then to church for the rehearsal.

As it turns out she did host a party at her home the night of the rehearsal and served/catered dinner for out of town guest, her family and my husband – I was NOT invited. She justified this by claiming it wasn’t a rehearsal dinner but a bachelor party - guests to this “Bachelor party” included grooms mother, sister, and aunts. The following day the groom and a group of male relatives went on a golf outing. A the rehearsal lunch she showed up in a wrinkled green tee shirt, with a puss and pout, when I gave her a gift I had bought for her, she didn’t even say thank you.


At the wedding she literally snarled at me as I was walking down the aisle and as we were taking our vows (well documented on video and still pictures) she snubbed me on the receiving line. And refused to speak to me during the reception but snarled at me every chance she got.

She showed up at the after party for about 5 minutes and loudly announced that she wouldn’t be staying because she was in too much pain as the places I selected for the wedding had too many stairs and she needed to go home to bed. 

Fact – She had a number of guests back to her house for her own after party. Years passed and we were expecting our first child, that Christmas she wanted my husband to go to Florida to spend the holiday with HIS family. I didn’t go for several reasons, 1 I didn’t want to fly in the first trimester, I didn’t want to spend the holiday with people who have displayed nothing but distain for me in 4 years, and that I had final exams on the dates my husband was expected to be there before Christmas. My husband decided to go and he spent the holiday with HIS family, not his pregnant wife.

My mother hosted a surprise baby shower for me and did not invite his mother; my husband called my mother and asked about why his mother didn’t get an invite. My mother explained that she made the decision because 1- his mother seems to like to do things separate from our family 2- she wanted me to enjoy the day and not be stress with his mother being there pouting and making faces at me 3- My mother just wasn’t comfortable hosting his mother anymore. My mother told my husband that if his mother was upset she would be happy to speak to her and explain that the decision was hers alone.

My mother in law was away when our baby was born but my husband had her on speaker phone so she could hear him announce our son’s arrival in the hospital waiting room to my mom and sister. She was invited to the christening and did show up at the church an sat in the front row, the row reserved for the baby’s parents and godparents (I assume this was just her ignorance of etiquette) during the service when I was standing on the alter holding my son, she was snarling at me throughout the service. 

After the service she repeatedly announced that she wanted pictures with her, my husband and the baby only and I want this in the background so “my name, you have to move” she showed up an hour late to the party at my house and she, her husband and other son were the ONLY guests that did not congratulate me, offer help, thank for being invited or some other pleasantry. 

After she her husband, my husband, and his brother ate, My husband, ever eager to please his mom brought her the baby, which she held for under three minutes then placed on face down on the dirty plastic tablecloth on a plastic table on uneven grass, my husband sat there and did/said NOTHING. 

Upon seeing this I walked over picked up my son and said I’ll burp him. Her evil eyes and junk yard scowl followed me across the yard. My husband responded by later pulling the baby from my mother’s arms. This is an ongoing habit every time His mother pulls a stunt, he attempts to stir trouble with or insult my mother. 

Fast-forward a few months, my husband wants to take the baby to her for Christmas (remember Last Christmas while I was pregnant he actually went to Florida alone to spend Christmas with his mother and family) I said no because after the Christening we together agreed that she owed me an apology and that this year Christmas was mine and the baby’s. 


I had also just buried my beloved Grandfather. I had told my husband that I saw no hope for this marriage his only concern seems to be trying to win his mother’s love and approval, and he sacrifices me at every turn, he stated he thought there was hope for our marriage and said he agreed his mother had no true interest in being Grandma, and that she owed me an apology for her behavior.

He also agreed he owed my mom an apology (he still hasn’t done that). We have been going to counseling, and even the counselor has stated that my husband just doesn’t want to see his mother for who she is or what she does. My husband pushed and pushed and repeatedly requested a sit down with his mother to get everything out on the table, he repeatedly stated he did not expect to resolve things he just wanted everything out on the table. At counseling he agreed he did not think this would resolve anything but he wanted everything out on the table. I stated and he agreed that I wasn’t going to get into a long discussion about past events until she apologized for her behavior at the Christening.

He asked me what I was going to say and I said “I am very angry about your behavior at the christening, you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” My husband stated he was fine with me saying that, exactly that – honestly since his mother intimidates everyone in his family I think he thought I would back down and not use that term.


In January She showed up for the sit down at my home, and came with a real attitude (my husband agrees she had a major attitude and was rude) She growled at me and made a couple of nasty remarks, My husband asked me to tell her why I was upset about her behavior at the Christening I said “you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” She jumped up and screamed “that’s just my face”, I produced a picture of her snarling (1 of many that I have) and asked” is this your face, is this what you want the baby to associate with you” to which she grabbed the picture, threw it at me and started screaming” F%$# You, F%$# You, F%$# your whole family” 

I walked to the door opened it and told her to “Get out of my house” She continued to scream her F%$#’s and stated “YOUR HOUSE, NO this is (Husbands Name) HOUSE”. I repeated “GET OUT of my house” My husband stood up and was saying Mom please calm down, calm down, When she finally walked out the door still screaming my husband stood in the doorway blocking me from closing the door once he finally moved and I closed the door he started yelling at me that it was all my fault, I should have been nicer, “I know that’s what you said you were going to say but you should have been nicer” After 4 years of him allowing his mom to treat me like crap and him defending her and making himself look damn foolish with the excuses he makes up to excuse her behavior, I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left. 


After I left, my husband claims he called his mother and “laced into her”. But a week later after I went twice more to counseling with him, he told counselor his mother was out of line that night, that he was wrong to blame me, and that he wanted to make our marriage work. A week later, by accident I learned that the night of the sit-down after I left my husband actually went to “visit his brother” (who he himself has repeatedly stated he is not close too) who happens to live with monster in law and that night he delivered the Christmas gifts he had for his Mom, Dad and brother. But yet he insists he doesn’t want a divorce and wants us to work thing out. Now here’s where I need opinions: DOES anyone else think it was inappropriate for him to deliver gifts to his mother within hours of his mother screaming F%$# you F%$# you to his wife, and still adamantly claim he defends his wife and doesn’t want a divorce???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lilly,

I agree that your MIL seems to be behaving in an angry way. But you are not exactly innocent in all of this. 

For example the rehearsal dinner: According to wedding etiquette, it is hosted by the groom’s parents. They are the hosts, they pay for it, and they can invite anyone they want and throw any kind of dinner/party they want. It’s their son’s wedding too and they get to make the dinner as small or as large as they want. It is the only part of the wedding that the groom’s family gets to plan and do their own way. It was ungracious of you to have your mother host a separate rehearsal dinner/party. 

Your MIL not inviting your grandparents is an obvious snub and out of line. Your husband should have put his foot down and insisted that they were invited. And your grandparents should have never been told that they were not originially invited. Their being left out was an obvious snub in retribution for the non-invite for Xmas eve. That was petty on your MIL’s part. 

If you had graciously gone to the rehearsal dinner/party his parents held much of this problem would have never occurred. 

After you snubbing her for the rehearsal dinner it’s no surprise that she was upset at the Christening. You owe her a huge apology for snubbing her rehearsal dinner/party and throwing your own. 

IMHO, you need to back off some of this. Your husband is caught between a mother and a wife who are not behaving very well. The two of you (you and MIL) have locked horns and by golly neither of you are going to be the first to extend an olive branch.

You need to heal this. Why? Because if you want to not raise you children in a broken family and be overly influenced by a MIL who is angry at you for the rest of her life.. YOU need to be the first one to put out the olive branch. A letter to her might be the best way to do it. One in which you apologize for what you have done wrong and beg for her forgiveness. One in which you do not mention all of her faults. Why? Because as soon as you mention her faults and all that she has done wrong you will have lost all ground. The question is, do you want to be right or do you want a healed family?

And your husband needs to tell his mother that he will not tolerate her being angry and nasty to you. That you are ready to end the war and have apologized to her. That he hopes one day she will apologize to you for what she’s done… like the snarling bit. But that if she wants to see her grandchildren she will treat you well, invite you to everything she invites him to. And that he will no longer go to her place without you for holidays.


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