# I think my wife is having an EA. - Opinions.



## fr33yay0

Hey All,

So I truly think my wife is having an EA. She started a new job about 4-6 months ago and just a few weeks ago I caught her texting with one of the individuals that was a teacher in her training. At first it was playfull and stuff, I'm not really the jealous type. But one night, she was out of the room and her phone went off. Me and her have always been open about everything so I grabbed it. It was a messages back and forth were he was saying things that were really unacceptable.

"miss you alot", "thinking about you" "lets meet up tomorrow morning" and even as far as the LOVE YOU. Now, my wife's responses were childish and she didn't really say anything back to him in that context. Then I asked why she said she had to go into work early, she said wanted to grab a coffee and relax. 

So I knew she went to meet him, later that day I lost it on her. Telling her what I saw and asking her why she lied. She felt really bad and apologized, said that they were just friends and she felt awkward around telling me. We've been going on about 2 weeks now with the finale last night were I told her I don't trust the individual in question. She has told me that he's married with 3 kids and it's not an affair. I explained how it looked on my side and she understood. We left it at that. 

That was about a week ago, and now I know for a fact she's still hanging around him and texting. She told him via text last night that she would be careful. But in the mean time, telling me that she told him to calm it down. So now I am stuck, she doesn't know how I get my information and I am not willing to share it. But what am I suppose to do now?

We have a two year old... do I take him and leave? or do I leave without him, he's my world. With this new job I spend every second outside of work with him.

Please help, or offer advice.


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## tom67

Okay here is what needs to be done...
Find out who is wife is and let her know TODAY do NOT let your wife know.
Assume this may have been more than an ea and both of you get tested for STDs.
If exposure to his w doesn't work let their HR know what this pos is doing.
Sorry you are here.


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## tom67

You can also put him on cheaterville and send links to coworkers and his bosses.
Plus more importantly when someone does a google search of his name it will pop up.


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## tom67

Expose to her parents and close friends and ask for their support.


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## U.E. McGill

She is. Acceptable communication between a man and a woman would be something that could be shown to you or his wife. Don't feel guilty about "discovering" it. 

There's a good thread by weightlifter on evidence gathering so I won't go into that. If you think you have all you need nuke this. You have every right to tell her to stop contact and tell this guys wife what was going on. The let your wife know, she can carry on, or not be married to you. 

Don't tolerate bad behavior.


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## tom67

Voice activated recorder in her car.


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## Cubby

No pleading, no begging to your wife to stop contacting him. Be a man of action. Find the boyfriend's wife and let her know what's going on. But first quietly dig deeper to find out if it's gone physical. Based on your other threads here and your wife's sudden interest in new sex stuff, it's a great chance they're fooking.


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## ReidWright

fr33yay0 said:


> She has told me that he's married with 3 kids and it's not an affair.


whew! well, that's comforting to hear. We all know married men don't have affairs with coworkers, right? :wtf:

yeah, she needs to go no contact with this bozo instantly.


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## fr33yay0

Thanks everyone. I know that's the plan of action... I just don't want my 2 years old life to be shook that much.

I really don't think it's physical, Cubby you're right... about the other thread. This might be all from that. Which I would def. leave for. I just have so much to think about prior. I took the first steps and opened my own account (wife doesn't know). Change the car name to mine only (wife doesn't know). 

I plan on telling his wife about the messages as well, but I am not sure if I want to do it behind my wifes back, or just tell her. But then she might warn him. So I'm going to keep that one as an element of surprise.

I might also try to pop in when they're meeting. That's my next step, just trying to figure out the pattern.

Thanks everyone.


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## karole

You should move this thread to the Coping With Infidelity Section of this Board. You will get a lot more responses there about your situation. 

Best of luck to you.


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## norajane

Give her a copy of the book, Not Just Friends.

She might not "get it" that she's in an EA. Lots of people don't. They meet someone at work, are friendly, have things in common (work politics!), and soon start to slide into an EA. They may think it's harmless, might think it's just a little fun flirtation that won't go anywhere but makes the day more entertaining. By the time they realize they have feelings, they're in too deep for common sense to take over and step away from the ledge.


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## WandaJ

fr33yay0 said:


> Thanks everyone. I know that's the plan of action... I just don't want my 2 years old life to be shook that much.
> 
> I really don't think it's physical, Cubby you're right... about the other thread. This might be all from that. Which I would def. leave for. I just have so much to think about prior. I took the first steps and opened my own account (wife doesn't know). Change the car name to mine only (wife doesn't know).
> 
> I plan on telling his wife about the messages as well, but I am not sure if I want to do it behind my wifes back, or just tell her. But then she might warn him. So I'm going to keep that one as an element of surprise.
> 
> I might also try to pop in when they're meeting. That's my next step, just trying to figure out the pattern.
> 
> Thanks everyone.


Wow, talkinga about cheating. Now you are screwing her up by moving everything to your name. House too? she will go on the street?

Man up, talk to her, but do not become sleazy bastard in the process.


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## Thound

fr33yay0 said:


> Thanks everyone. I know that's the plan of action... I just don't want my 2 years old life to be shook that much.
> 
> I really don't think it's physical, Cubby you're right... about the other thread. This might be all from that. Which I would def. leave for. I just have so much to think about prior. I took the first steps and opened my own account (wife doesn't know). Change the car name to mine only (wife doesn't know).
> 
> I plan on telling his wife about the messages as well, but I am not sure if I want to do it behind my wifes back, or just tell her. But then she might warn him. So I'm going to keep that one as an element of surprise.
> 
> I might also try to pop in when they're meeting. That's my next step, just trying to figure out the pattern.
> 
> Thanks everyone.


DO NOT let your wife know you're contacting his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fr33yay0

WandaJ said:


> Wow, talkinga about cheating. Now you are screwing her up by moving everything to your name. House too? she will go on the street?
> 
> Man up, talk to her, but do not become sleazy bastard in the process.


sleazy bastard? I would never leave her in the street. She is the mother of my child... I just moved items in my name that were already mine. She has her own car, her own account... 

let's not forget who is doing what here.


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## SamuraiJack

norajane said:


> Give her a copy of the book, Not Just Friends.
> 
> She might not "get it" that she's in an EA. Lots of people don't. They meet someone at work, are friendly, have things in common (work politics!), and soon start to slide into an EA. They may think it's harmless, might think it's just a little fun flirtation that won't go anywhere but makes the day more entertaining. By the time they realize they have feelings, they're in too deep for common sense to take over and step away from the ledge.


This :iagree:

She may not even realize whats happening.


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## Hicks

You need to have documented evidence before you start telling people. Or else your wife will spin things that you are crazy.

Don't warn your wife about who and when you will expose to, or she will in advance tell people that you are crazy.


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## tom67

Hicks said:


> You need to have documented evidence before you start telling people. Or else your wife will spin things that you are crazy.
> 
> Don't warn your wife about who and when you will expose to, or she will in advance tell people that you are crazy.


He said the texts were way beyond appropiate hopefully he saved them to show his w.
Plus she can check his phone.
He needs to nip this before it's way out of control.


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## WandaJ

fr33yay0 said:


> sleazy bastard? I would never leave her in the street. She is the mother of my child... I just moved items in my name that were already mine. She has her own car, her own account...
> 
> let's not forget who is doing what here.


Well you just seem very quick in your actions. So far, you do not have proof of PA, just few text messages. The EA is going well, yes, but this is time when you can still try to save your marriage. 

It's just seem strange that based on few texts you are already preparing for separation of the assetts. Are you always that cut and run? Is this pride? Hurt?


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## 3Xnocharm

WandaJ said:


> Well you just seem very quick in your actions. So far, you do not have proof of PA, just few text messages. The EA is going well, yes, but this is time when you can still try to save your marriage.
> 
> It's just seem strange that based on few texts you are already preparing for separation of the assetts. Are you always that cut and run? Is this pride? Hurt?


If strong action isnt taken from the get-go, then things get taken underground even further. These things can become physical really easily. This isnt just a few texts.


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## Idyit

This is an affair. It may or may not be physical as yet but continuing contact after DDay, I Love You's and secretly meeting are not good signs of EA only.

You need to decide what your deal breakers are and have a well thought out plan for R or D. I think you'll get a lot more help if you move this to the Coping With Infidelity section.

~ Passio


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## PBear

In many cases, it doesn't matter who's name is on an asset (or liability, for that matter) if it was acquired during your marriage. It would be a marital asset to be split like everything else. If it comes to that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor

"End this relationship or I will end the marriage!!"

Anything short of that is enabling her. I ****ed around with my wife's EA for over a year before I figured this out. I wish I had made the statement a hell of a lot earlier. And once she realized I wasn't bluffing she ended it.


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## fr33yay0

Thats correct, I spoke to her again. She broke down and said she didn't want anyone but me and that the texting has stopped.

Theres more than texting and lying, I know a lot more but can't tell her, the way I find out isn't the best. So Im stuck at that point. We will see what tonight's conversation is like. I haven't had sex in almost 9 days. Thats too long. lol


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## Tobyboy

fr33yay0 said:


> Thats correct, I spoke to her again. She broke down and said she didn't want anyone but me and that the texting has stopped.
> 
> Theres more than texting and lying, I know a lot more but can't tell her, the way I find out isn't the best. So Im stuck at that point. We will see what tonight's conversation is like. I haven't had sex in almost 9 days. Thats too long. lol


There's more? You need to tell the OM's wife now!!! Right now they're doing damage control. I guarantee it!!!

Can you tell us how your getting your info? It could help others in the same sitch. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm

Tell POS's BW immediately....you have to make sure the A dies and stays dead.

Blowing up POS's world so he has other things to worry about rather than pursuing your WW is the best way to accomplish this.

What other information have you been able to uncover?

If she is still TT'ing you she is not really remorseful for what she has done to your M...she's just sorry she got caught.

Honestly, I thought there was already MUCH more going on when you caught her telling him she'll be careful.

They were obviously coordinating their cover stories to hide the full extent of this cause they knew you were on to them.


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## tom67

Dyokemm said:


> Tell POS's BW immediately....you have to make sure the A dies and stays dead.
> 
> Blowing up POS's world so he has other things to worry about rather than pursuing your WW is the best way to accomplish this.
> 
> What other information have you been able to uncover?
> 
> If she is still TT'ing you she is not really remorseful for what she has done to your M...she's just sorry she got caught.
> 
> Honestly, I thought there was already MUCH more going on when you caught her telling him she'll be careful.
> 
> They were obviously coordinating their cover stories to hide the full extent of this cause they knew you were on to them.


You have to let his wife know to kill this affair do not let this drag out.


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## the guy

You are making a huge mistake by not contacting the other mans wife.

You need to make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Do not tell your wife just contact the OMW!!!!!!!DO IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!


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## harrybrown

So have you told her to keep your marriage, she has to go NC with him and get a different job?

I agree, tell the OM's wife.


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## the guy

Please contact the OMW...you can keep an eye on your wife but not the OM.
So please get some help by bring in the OMW and now you will have two sets of eyes ....making this affair as inconveinent and as uncomfortable as possible!


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## tom67

harrybrown said:


> So have you told her to keep your marriage, she has to go NC with him and get a different job?
> 
> I agree, tell the OM's wife.


He will be trying to save is own marriage instead of wrecking yours.
Otherwise you have done great via the finances.


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## the guy

All right folks.....all together...a1 a2 a3 "TELL THE OTHER MANS WIFE"!!!!!!!

And do not tell your old lady your doing this. It will get back to the OM and he will do the damage control to make your exposure ineffective.


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## commonsenseisn't

Unfortunately what you have done so far equates to what we call a "soft confrontation". Their response is to take the affair underground. Your best strategy now is to either go very hard confrontation (if you have enough evidence) or keep your mouth shut, eyes/ears open and acquire the evidence necessary to explode her affair. 

Do not: 1. Reveal your source of information. 2. Tell wife, other guy, or any of their allies what you are going to do. The element of surprise is your friend. 3. Leave your home. 4. Believe what she says.

Do: 1. Get a lawyer, explore your options and protect your interests. 2. Put a VAR in her car. 3. Make a game plan for the worst case scenario if it materializes. 4. Consider advise on TAM because many here have been where you are and now have 20-20 hindsight.

Has she changed anything recently about her intimate sexuality? If so, you probably have your answer to how far it's gone.


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## tom67

commonsenseisn't said:


> Unfortunately what you have done so far equates to what we call a "soft confrontation". Their response is to take the affair underground. Your best strategy now is to either go very hard confrontation (if you have enough evidence) or keep your mouth shut, eyes/ears open and acquire the evidence necessary to explode her affair.
> 
> Do not: 1. Reveal your source of information. 2. Tell wife, other guy, or any of their allies what you are going to do. The element of surprise is your friend. 3. Leave your home. 4. Believe what she says.
> 
> Do: 1. Get a lawyer, explore your options and protect your interests. 2. Put a VAR in her car. 3. Make a game plan for the worst case scenario if it materializes. 4. Consider advise on TAM because many here have been where you are and now have 20-20 hindsight.
> 
> Has she changed anything recently about her intimate sexuality? If so, you probably have your answer to how far it's gone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## fr33yay0

She hasn't changed anything sexually, at all. In fact it's better. We had another conversation, but I haven't laid out all of the cards yet. I have plans to get evidence. 

The first, when we first fought I took note of everything she did. After I confronted her, I noticed the following.

1. The text messages stopped and decreased a lot, yet everything was empty. Every time her phone is left laying around (in the next room), in the car, even on the couch.. everything is EMPTY. If he texts, then the phone is next to her NON-STOP.

2. I noticed the alert/notification has been removed. Now she get's texts and they don't come up on the screen. She goes to get them later. 

3. I have been keeping track with the phone provider as well. She sent 6000 messages last month. That's quite a lot to begin with, but it has gone down... I am waiting for the next bill to test this theory. But if you don't text... what do you do? CALL right?

4. All of her inbound/outbound calls are wiped. I mean daily... not a single number listed. But I remember what I saw in the texts... so I am pulling the phone records from our month bill now. Guess what? 150 minutes monthly, last month.. 350 minutes monthly. That's a HUGE increase. So she's basically stopped texting and is calling him in secret instead. Waiting for the provider to allow me to see those in/out calls (its automatic with billing).

5. I have done some research and found the other wife. I drafted something that's ready to go once i have the solid proof. I have decided NOT to tell my wife about this plan. 

Once I gather everything together, I will sit down and confront her. Give her the ultimatum. I am hoping she just doesn't see how friendly it's getting and might realize what she has. The plan is either stop all contact with this individual, or me and my 2 year son are gone.

Take a pick.


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## fr33yay0

Forgot to mention...

Both of the phones are mine on the account; so I can see where the phone is at all times. I have been keeping track of when she leaves for work early/comes home late. That will also help.


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## Hicks

Go to coping with infidelity and find weightlifter's standard post. In it you will find out how to get the evidence that you need.


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## Tobyboy

When are the calls being made? During work hours? In her car? 
Put a VAR in her car. 
If she has an iPhone, you can retrieve the texts. 
Others will tell you how. 
If you have att, you can see all calls and texts online. No need to wait to the end of the month.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

fr33yay0 said:


> She hasn't changed anything sexually, at all. In fact it's better. We had another conversation, but I haven't laid out all of the cards yet. I have plans to get evidence.
> 
> The first, when we first fought I took note of everything she did. After I confronted her, I noticed the following.
> 
> 1. The text messages stopped and decreased a lot, yet everything was empty. Every time her phone is left laying around (in the next room), in the car, even on the couch.. everything is EMPTY. If he texts, then the phone is next to her NON-STOP.
> 
> 2. I noticed the alert/notification has been removed. Now she get's texts and they don't come up on the screen. She goes to get them later.
> 
> 3. I have been keeping track with the phone provider as well. She sent 6000 messages last month. That's quite a lot to begin with, but it has gone down... I am waiting for the next bill to test this theory. But if you don't text... what do you do? CALL right?
> 
> 4. All of her inbound/outbound calls are wiped. I mean daily... not a single number listed. But I remember what I saw in the texts... so I am pulling the phone records from our month bill now. Guess what? 150 minutes monthly, last month.. 350 minutes monthly. That's a HUGE increase. So she's basically stopped texting and is calling him in secret instead. Waiting for the provider to allow me to see those in/out calls (its automatic with billing).
> .


She has started using an app to text with him. Thats why you cant see it. Either that or she has a burner phone.


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## bigbearsfan

Hicks said:


> Go to coping with infidelity and find weightlifter's standard post. In it you will find out how to get the evidence that you need.


:iagree: Your going to need some help because it sounds like she just took it underground.  If she is clearing her phone daily, that is not a good sign at all and if the calls and texts drop off, she may have a burner phone or a chat app. installed.


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## bigbearsfan

3Xnocharm said:


> She has started using an app to text with him. Thats why you cant see it. Either that or she has a burner phone.


Damn, you beat me to it!


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## karole

Please contact a moderator and have your thread moved to the Coping with Infidelity section. You will get a lot more advice on handling your wife's affair there.


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## fr33yay0

Yeah, waiting on the phone bill stuff to come in now. I have a few texts and a few e-mails. So I'm not worried. It's over... she's going to get caught red handed.

I just finished drafting the document for the other wife.


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## Tobyboy

fr33yay0 said:


> Yeah, waiting on the phone bill stuff to come in now. I have a few texts and a few e-mails. So I'm not worried. It's over... she's going to get caught red handed.
> 
> I just finished drafting the document for the other wife.


So is this a dealbreaker? No chance for you to consider reconciliation?

Because if it is, you need a lawyer first!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy

Forgot to add, if your exposing to the OMs wife, you may consider exposing to her work supervisors/HR also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

fr33yay0 said:


> Yeah, waiting on the phone bill stuff to come in now. I have a few texts and a few e-mails. So I'm not worried. It's over... she's going to get caught red handed.
> 
> I just finished drafting the document for the other wife.


Sounds like a good plan so far.
Maybe you will shock her out of it by serving her at work who knows.


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## Decorum

She is willing to lie she cannot continue to work with this guy.


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## fr33yay0

Yeah, I am considering a letter to their employment. They do not work together per say, but its 1600 employee's.

I have finally figured out the other wife's name/number/address. So tonight might be the night. It's her birthday tomorrow and I might give her the ultimatum tonight... either start your 31st year with me and your 2 year old son. Or I am leaving. 

I already processed all of the finance stuff. Lawyer would be needed for a formal agreement on child times I take it.


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## wilson

Remember you have to fight this on two fronts:

1. She cannot have any contact with this guy. That also means getting a new job so that she won't run into him, see his name on email, etc.

2. She needs to have a true change of heart so that she doesn't do the same thing with another guy. She will run into plenty of other guys who will be very willing to hit on her. She needs to have the self control to not allow herself to go down that path. You need to shock her world to effect this kind of change in her (divorce, exposure, etc.)


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## the guy

May I suggest timing the exposure and the confrontation as close as possible.

It will be neat to watch her get confronted and the OM trying to get hold of her at the same time.

The OMW will be confronting OM, you will be confronting your wife and the your wife and the OM will be dying to contact each other to match stories.

So make sure when you expose the A to OMW you and the OMW are on the same page as far as timing goes with both your confrontations.


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## the guy

Make copies of your evidence.


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## the guy

or.....

You expose the A to OMW, let OMW confront OM, let OM tell your wife that "they know" and then when you see your wife and she asks "did you tell so and so's wife that me and so and so are having an affair?"...

With out a word you can go get the evidence (or have it ready) give it to your wife, let her look at it and then look her square in the eye and say....'YOU ARE!"...... then walk away....

You then let her stew on the fact that you know for a fact that she is having an affair. After an hourr or so go back and let her talk.....


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## the guy

one more thing....no begging or crying for this marriage!

Make sure when you confront your wife she sees a strong and confident man....Make it very clear that it isn't a matter of "are you having an affair"....Its a fact "that she is having an affair!"

Your wife must believe you can *let her go* so what she says next will change her life forever.

If for one second your wife believe you want to work it out your screwed....ya I know you want to work it out...we all do...just don't let your wife know this!!!


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## ellaenchanted

I'm not a married women although I have been in relationships that involved cheating and emotional cheating and to be honest from my point of view, that's completely crossing the line. She's in denial and as other people have said, she doesn't realise that it's considered cheating. 
You need to get as much as evidence as possible, try to access her phone when she's sleeping at night.... That's how I discovered cheating in past relationships, emails, everything. If you can't find any texts, she's deleted it, back up her phone on iTunes if she's has an iPhone, also there is an app for iPhones it's called "find my friends" you can see her location but you'll need to have her phone at hand to accept it. You need your evidence to determine whether you reconcile or leave. 
I hope things get better for you x


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## weightlifter

You really dont seem to have enough. She will likely turn it on you.

Btw it seems likely that it is physical now. Be prepared.

Btw. Im that infamous weightlifter.

Read the top post in my signature. All you need step bybstep.

Btw. Until you have real evidence to confront, stop asking her about it.


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## commonsenseisn't

Her wiping data off her phone is evidence she has gone into stealth mode.

Her going into stealth mode is evidence the affair is active.

An active affair is evidence you need to get sufficient data to determine how deep the affair is.

The depth of the affair determines your long term strategy. 

Prepare yourself for whatever materializes in revealed data.

Get a lawyers help.


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## Hicks

You don't have enough evidence for exposure to anyone.


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## GusPolinski

Hicks said:


> You don't have enough evidence for exposure to anyone.


OP, if you're looking for evidence, answer this question...

_What kind of phone does your wife use?_


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## fr33yay0

She uses an Iphone and yes I am network tech. I have evidence, I wasn't worried about that. I had it all worked out.

So here's the update.

I did it. I pulled out all my cards (Except a select few) and showed her top to bottom what an EA affair was. At first she didn't understand, then I showed her the texts/e-mails and then she broke down. We then had a pretty lenghty conversation (4 hours) about our relationship, etc, etc (I wont get into it). From what she's said and shown me (stuff I didnt know).. it was totally an EA and nothing physical. I had no "physical" stuff evidence anyways.

I basically explained everything as if it was me and another girl. She understood better when I flipped everything and started to have negative reactions to the same items I was. This allowed her to see my point of view I found. In the mean time I told the other wife via phone. (She worked somewhere public and her number was listed). After speaking, I left... I left the house and came back the next day. We then talked about for 5-6 hours while our son was sleeping and we agreed to go to marriage counselling together. 

We identified a few items that I didn't know about, but basically our lack of communication was a huge issue on both sides. She broke down again... hadn't slept and I could tell this is eating at her. But for now, she sits in her own sorrow. I think she understood that I was going to leave. She still needs to understand the depth and harsh reality.

Since, the other wife has thrown him out of his house. She apparently had dealt with this before (more than once)... so I get it. I wished her luck and now I get to focus on our marriage. I do want to reconcile but it's going to take a hell of a long time. 

Thanks everyone for the advice... I had a pleasure reading it!


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## Tobyboy

fr33yay0 said:


> She uses an Iphone and yes I am network tech. I have evidence, I wasn't worried about that. I had it all worked out.
> 
> So here's the update.
> 
> I did it. I pulled out all my cards (Except a select few) and showed her top to bottom what an EA affair was. At first she didn't understand, then I showed her the texts/e-mails and then she broke down. We then had a pretty lenghty conversation (4 hours) about our relationship, etc, etc (I wont get into it). From what she's said and shown me (stuff I didnt know).. it was totally an EA and nothing physical. I had no "physical" stuff evidence anyways.
> 
> I basically explained everything as if it was me and another girl. She understood better when I flipped everything and started to have negative reactions to the same items I was. This allowed her to see my point of view I found. In the mean time I told the other wife via phone. (She worked somewhere public and her number was listed). After speaking, I left... I left the house and came back the next day. We then talked about for 5-6 hours while our son was sleeping and we agreed to go to marriage counselling together.
> 
> We identified a few items that I didn't know about, but basically our lack of communication was a huge issue on both sides. She broke down again... hadn't slept and I could tell this is eating at her. But for now, she sits in her own sorrow. I think she understood that I was going to leave. She still needs to understand the depth and harsh reality.
> 
> Since, the other wife has thrown him out of his house. She apparently had dealt with this before (more than once)... so I get it. I wished her luck and now I get to focus on our marriage. I do want to reconcile but it's going to take a hell of a long time.
> 
> Thanks everyone for the advice... I had a pleasure reading it!


What was said between them in the emails and texts?


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## 6301

norajane said:


> Give her a copy of the book, Not Just Friends.
> 
> .


 He should also give her another book called, "How to get your ass thrown out in the street by doing something stupid" written by 6301


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## the guy

This cheating crap is addicting you will still need to validate any commitment she offers.


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## OptimisticPessimist

I want to make _another_ post to reiterate a piece of advice I havent seen the OP specifically comment on:

*Get a VAR and heavy-duty velcro it under the driver's seat of her car.*

I cannot stress this enough. Cheaters feel safe in their car away from you. For that matter, hide one in the living room/bedroom when you arent there.

Sony ICD-PX333 available at Best Buy or Walmart paired with lithium batteries in VOR mode. 50 bucks and it seems to me the *best* evidence gathering tool that consistently nets results.

She may still take this underground- VAR!


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## AVR1962

The language is too obvious and there is no way that she would take this as only friends. If she is not actually having a full blown affair with this man I would be surprised.

It's time that some measures are put in place even if she will not admit to her feelings, my husband was real good about playing dumb to his feelings. No more contact with this guys whatsoever, zip, gone! She needs to show proof of this and she needs to answer your questions.

This is not innocent!


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## tom67

OptimisticPessimist said:


> I want to make _another_ post to reiterate a piece of advice I havent seen the OP specifically comment on:
> 
> *Get a VAR and heavy-duty velcro it under the driver's seat of her car.*
> 
> I cannot stress this enough. Cheaters feel safe in their car away from you. For that matter, hide one in the living room/bedroom when you arent there.
> 
> Sony ICD-PX333 available at Best Buy or Walmart paired with lithium batteries in VOR mode. 50 bucks and it seems to me the *best* evidence gathering tool that consistently nets results.
> 
> She may still take this underground- VAR!


Trust but verify especially after pos was thrown out of his house.
Good luck.


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## missthelove2013

WandaJ said:


> Wow, talkinga about cheating. Now you are screwing her up by moving everything to your name. House too? she will go on the street?
> 
> Man up, talk to her, but do not become sleazy bastard in the process.


quoted for the pure piece of horse shat it is...seriously???


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## missthelove2013

You will NEVER get the whole story from her...she wont admit to anything major unless you already have proof, especially telling you it was physical...she would NOT have taken this underground if they werent lovers...sorry

she lied, manipulated, decieved, snuck around, and conspired with om..how the hell can you even begin to believe ANYTHING she says...

if you let her off lightly for this...without serious repercussions, then the only lesson she will have learned is how small the price is for getting caught cheating...and will do it again...its like heoin, she already got her first hit, shes hooked...YOU accepting ANY responsibility for this is crazy...lack of communication so she cheats?? Horse crap...do not accept any responsibility...she cheated

if it were me, I would file, have her served...does NOT eman you have to go through with it...expose to family and friends, even though you dont have a LOT...

tell her I know way more than your telling, I have been super slueth for a long time now, and unless you tell me EVERYTHING immediatelt, from your own lips, we are done...

once she tells, insist on a polygram that you already have set up...dont wait...set it up before hand...and make her go

you lost your chance at any more evidence gathering and until you know the extent, you cant trust her...the only way to get that now is to trick her...imo


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## Decorum

fr33yay0,

How is it going?


Just FWI most WW's in cases like your still break No Contact at least one time, even when they are truly sorry. The reason is because it is so addictive, so keep alert for it.

You did a good job exposing, and for now it may be quite, especially if OM threw her under the bus, but it often happen that the POS comes fishing, 2 weeks, 6 months, 2 years later and it starts up and goes PA quickly after that.

Make it clear that any "UNREPORTED" contact will be a boundary crossing!!!

Often they don't because "They knew it would upset you" tell her your respect and trust will grow if she tells you, and it will look like she wants to get with hi if she does not.

Don't leave ANY lack of clarity here!

Hey I wish you well, give us an update at some point.


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## fr33yay0

Thanks everyone!

I didn't let her off lightly... she has a long road ahead and she knows it. I have been monitoring the same items (most of which I didn't tell her)... and there has been no contact made. At least not via those avenue's. 

We are currently not sleeping the same room, currently not engaging in any extra activities. We have attended a session of counselling so far and it did help. I DO not, I repeat DO NOT trust her anymore. Apparently that returns with time/faith... but as of right now that's off the books. I can't trust/believe anything that was said/done. 

She did admit a few things to me, like how I could live on for almost a month of knowing. (But again, I had only doubts and no evidence... plus the fact that you are blind and don't want to think it's true). I explained that, she understood. 

I spoke with the OM's wife recently, she apparently had this happen before and therefore he is out on his ass. For her, it was more of the WHY and not the HOW. My wife did mention it to me... but again, she knows where I stand on the contact. There's being an adult, then there's being a child. Blaming our lack of communication being the reason for "watering" the grass elsewhere is not tolerated nor acceptable. 

I told her, that if she wanted too... that much, she could leave. Or, I could leave. Again with a two year old it's not as practical and picking up and leaving... but she promised (Again, don't think I will ever trust her again) to stay and work at counselling. 

That's the update for now... hopefully in the future, late late future... we can get passed this, or I can move on. I have no time for this stupidity at this stage in my life.

Thanks again everyone.


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## Tobyboy

I think your doing great. There is one thing you haven't mention, a NC(no contact) letter!!! If a NC letter hasn't been sent, then more than likely they have communicated by other means already. 
Think about it, what would keep the OM from contacting your WW? 
My guess, they're using office email or phones to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

Tobyboy said:


> I think your doing great. There is one thing you haven't mention, a NC(no contact) letter!!! If a NC letter hasn't been sent, then more than likely they have communicated by other means already.
> Think about it, what would keep the OM from contacting your WW?
> My guess, they're using office email or phones to communicate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Watch her actions more than her words.
Good job I hope the best for you two.


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## missthelove2013

If she mentioned that the om's wife through him out on his ass, then she is in contact

also, if he is kicked out, he might become more agressive with seeing her, and SHE might find him more attractive now that he is a smidgeon more available

best case is om's wife wants to r and the OM does as well, then he will have to leave your wife alone

stay extra vigelant...keep in contact with omw...find out if om is at a hotel, with his parents, or did he rent a house or apartment...where is this hotel/house/apartment...he NOW has a bachelor pad...be extra vigelant


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