# Asking too Much?



## GCman (Sep 12, 2017)

Hey everyone
First time posting in a public forum in regard to my relationship with my wife.

Looking for some advice.
My wife of 6 years marriage and nearly 20 together as a couple.
We are in our late 30s and have a 5yo boy.

We love each other and are best friends with similar goals, and life is good there.

Problem
Wife is not sexual/attracted to me.
when it comes to sex she is a straight missionary type of girl. She hates Oral sex (both ways - but I like either way) and her downstairs is off limits to all but my penis.
It can get boring. what can I do.

She doesnt like wearing sexy clothing or anything too revealing and I understand that in public. However at home every now and again to come home to something saucy would be nice to see, Keep the flame going so to speak.
But she still dosent get that I like seeing a sexy side to her. She has awesome Boobs and have encouraged her to show them off a bit to me. I even brought her 2 expensive push-up bras. 
I have encourage her to be more "tarty" round the house. Just for me every now and again. But nothing.


I have also asked many time what she like sexually from me. What can I do to be more attractive to her and have her want me...... No answer. I have brought sexy tight shorts with a front zipper. I asked her if she likes that. I get a "meh" its ok.

I encourage her to give me spontaneous hand jobs, Few mins would be nice even if no ejaculation but just to feel her touch and let me know she is thinking of me in that way would make me feel good. I have spoken to her about this and she says she likes seeing erect penis. (pointy things she calls it) I tell her to go for it any time without being shy. Even telling her I want it and its not harassment if I want it (if thats what she is thinking) But still nothing. 

I work Mon to Friday and provide for my family, come home and cook meals and clean up after dinner, do the grocery shopping whenever I can and help her out round the house as much as possible. Still nothing.

The other night shaved my bum so it was silky smooth and cooked her dinner with only an appron on. Still nothing. 
No hand rub, not even a smack on the butt. 

I have brought this up with her a few times, but over the following few days she is very quiet towards me and I ask whats wrong and and answer I get is "No matter how much I give to people they always want more"
Am I asking too much?

Im trying, and would do anything if I knew she liked it but she wont tell me what gets her motor running.
Id be happy to dress up in business suit, fireman suit, nothing at all if she said so, buy gifts, flowers (and have in the past) etc but I dont get any direction.

I know she is very shy in this area. And have on many occasions ask if she would like some direction on things if she is unsure what she is doing. She says "Ill get there, just dont push me" That was months ago.

I have set her a 2 week challange to which she accepted.
1. In the next 2 weeks I want to see some cleavage around the house. something for me to look at. Just for a couple of hours. 
2. Give me a spontaneous hand job for a few mins, (just get it hard, rub it for few mins no ejac)
Ill see if this challenge is passed but im doubting it. and even if she does it im worryed to ask her to do more of it because I would then be "Asking for more of her"

What more can I do? 

Any advise is appreciated


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It being too much is entirely dependent on if she thinks it's too much. 

Your list to me would feel a little one sided (doing things just for you) but I can understand why you want those things and it's not wrong or too much but she may look at it like a chore she isn't getting anything out of. 

I'd much prefer a list of things to try together to figure out if she can open up and find something she enjoys. Like a new position or maybe adding a small toy. 

Stuff like that would say "let's find stuff we both enjoy" vs "do these things for me" 

But her restrictions may prevent that.


----------



## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

Maybe you need to see a therapist. Her fears seem to be deep rooted, could be religious, cultural or something. YOu need to first get to the root cause of all this, and find a way of helping her overcome what is holding her. You may not be able to do it on your own


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Walk around with only a jock-strap on.
..................................................................

When her eyes go wide and then furrow. 

Tell her, "I am Hot".

She will likely rebuff you...and her head will burrow.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm going to offer that maybe she just isn't attracted to you. What you describe are similar to things my ex H did when we were starting to float apart and I was honestly repulsed because I already had already lost a lot of respect for him. 

She also seems to just not have a preference for the physical things you want. It's basic incompatibility with your obvious needs. 

If she's not willing to put in effort to change or doesn't see this as a problem, then I don't think there is much you can do other than move on and find yourself a woman who wants to fulfill your needs and receive fulfillment back.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I find my H very sexy but if he suddenly started to cook naked I would be concerned. 
You seem desperate and are making sexual encounters, all about you and not her. This is incredibly off- putting to most women, esp when you suggest she rubs one out for you etc, that is all very self centred, not very loving and depending on your wife, she may feel that you are using her for your own sexual gratification. Women are not into only your sexual gratification so none of which will get her to meet you half way. 
You need to learn how to woo your wife, getting naked with an apron is not wooing your life. Think back to when you were courting her, what things got her going them? 
For me its attention, if my H travels, comes home late etc and then reaches out in bed, he may get some but it wont be very satisfying sex because he hasn't spent time with me. 
Your wife is not there just to meet your needs, she has needs too.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

You are not asking for more than some women are able to give some men. You are asking for more than many women are able to give most men.

But none of that matters. What matters is that you are asking for more than what your wife is currently willing and able to give you. There are many things you can try, but it boils down to a few.

You can work on becoming more attractive to her so she is more motivated to put in effort to please you.
You can work on making sex more enjoyable for her so she is more motivated to have sex.
You can threaten her that the relationship will end if she does not provide more and more varied sex. Only threaten this is you honestly will leave over this issue. Otherwise she will call your bluff and you are worse off than before you threatened.
Or you can skip all of that and leave to find another woman who wants to do more stuff with you.

There are no magic wands here. Getting from here to there with your current wife will require much work on both your parts. You cannot force her to do her part of that task. She might choose not to do it, even at the risk of losing you. Divorcing and finding another woman is also a lot of work. You get to pick your path. With no guarantee where you will end up. That is life.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

This is always a difficult situation, and often there are no answers, no good solutions. At best, you can try various things, try to draw her out to tell you what she wants/needs, insist on seeing a sex therapist together, and read various books (often recommended here are: His Needs, Her Needs; No More Mr. Nice Guy; Married Man Sex Life Primer; etc.). Both of you may need to make changes and try new things to reach a good compromise. Give yourself a timeframe to see improvement, and decide what would be sufficient. However, if she won't even try any of the options to make things better, then you have your answer now - no need to wait to decide what to do. And decide what your course of action will be if there isn't sufficient change for the better. Usually, the decision options are: this is good enough now; it's still bad, but I'll live with it; and, there hasn't been enough improvement, and it's time to file for divorce.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@GCman

This is a very important question - In the early stages of your relationship was she hot for your bod and did you have a lot of high-energy sex or has she always been this way?


If she was a hottie pattotie and twisting you every which way but sideways in the early stages of your relationship, then it may be possible to get SOME of that energy back. 

But if she has always been a dead fish and has never been that into you or into sex, then you are likely barking up the wrong tree here. 

If she was sucking the chrome off a bumper and riding you like Secretariat in the early stages of your relationship, then doing some of the things outlined in Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life," material may help to get some of your sexy back and that may get her a little more interested. 

But if she has always been a dud in bed, then nothing less than transforming yourself into a completely different person that does turn her on will help. 

And some people are just truly nonsexual and even Brad Pitt or George Clooney would fail to get any interest out of her. 

Has she always been this way or is this something that has changed in recent months/years??


----------



## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

GCman said:


> Hey everyone
> 
> First time posting in a public forum in regard to my relationship with my wife.
> 
> ...







Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

So you two met while you were in your teens? Were you her first? How was your sexual relationship prior to marriage? Been married only 6 yrs ....
What has happened that she is no longer attracted to you? 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Specific responses in bold below




GCman said:


> My wife of 6 years marriage and nearly 20 together as a couple.
> We are in our late 30s and have a 5yo boy.
> 
> *Why were you together 14 years without being married?*
> ...


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Im with you aine. 
I'm a sexual person but seeing my man in tight, zipper shorts or naked in an apron wouldn't do a thing for me. Would weird me out more than anything. 

Honestly I'd feel it was a little feminine and that's not something that turns me on. 

What men and women find sexy is usually different and everyone will have their own idea of what is sexy. 
I'm attracted to my man but I don't need him to act sexy. A T-shirt and pants and just being him is sexier than some outfit and planned event. 

Outfits seem porn-like and even girls who watch porn aren't usually doing it cause the men look hot in their outfits and the set up of finding him in the kitchen with just an apron is so sexy.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oldshirt- yes, I agree about the smooth butt and apron stuff. 

It is a little gay. Not that I have anything against gay but it clearly isn't going to do anything for me.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As others have asked, a big question is whether she was always like this, or if things changed.

If she was always like this, why was it OK when you were married but not now? Were you hoping things would improve (sadly a very common mistake - one I made).

Any medical issues, is she on any medication, birth control etc that might affect her libido.

Are you healthy and reasonably fit, clean, etc. (Not saying you need to be a triathlete, but do you take reasonable care of yourself?)

How is the non-sexual part of your marriage? Is there romance and casual intimacy?


Sadly, its possible nothing is "wrong", some people are just not naturally very sexual and are not ever able to change. If so, you will need to decide if you are willing to continue this way.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You may not asking too much from a relationship

but...

You may be asking too much of her. 

She may just not be wired for what you want. 

And I echo everyone who as noted the one-sided nature of your post. You may have a valid question here, but only if you have already put at lease equal measure into determining and providing all the things your wife needs and desires for her to have a fulfilling relationship.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think you need to immediately back off, thoroughly research Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life," material and seriously consider professional counseling and therapy. 

But I will give you my initial impressions from your one post. 

Many of the men that come here complaining about their marital sex lives have fallen into the routine of being a provider and a father and a live-in babysitter and diaper-changer and puke cleaner-upper and have lost a lot of the masculinity, ruggedness, assertiveness and sexual energy that had made them attractive to their wives in the first place. 

In other words they were initially sexually attracted to the buff, rugged, lean and mean and sexually assertive man in the beginning of the relationship, but after years and years of paying bills, nurturing children, changing diapers and cleaning up puke, their husbands have become more like girlfriends and maids and butlers than lovers. The men had lost or suppressed many of the traits that made their wife's jay-jay tingle in the opening rounds of their relationship. 

When that happens, sometimes the men can get that back if they hit the gym and get buffed up, start dressing and grooming/styling better and start being more assertive and dominant again. 

That is what happens in many of these cases. 

However there are a certain number of guys where it is kind of the opposite. Instead of becoming live-in girlfriends with a penis, what happens is the guy still tries to maintain the sexual prowess and sexual energy that was present before the kids came along. 

That is fine as long as he is also doing his share of providing for the family, taking responsibility in nurturing the children and doing his share of the household tasks and providing her the support and stability and security that she needs in order to let her guard down enough to relax and be seduced and be sexual with him. 

I hate to use the "Alpha" and "Beta" terms of the Pick Up Community, but in this instance you kind of have to. 

The "alpha" traits (masculinity, dominance, assertiveness, sexual virility etc) are often what initially attracts a woman to a man and what sets off the initial sexual energy of the early stages of the relationship. 

The "beta" traits, (kindness, stability, good provider, dependability, nurturing of children etc etc) are what makes her comfortable in the relationship and provides the stability and security enough for her to be comfortable with him and able to depend on him to be there for her and the children. 

A marriage needs both the alpha and the beta for long term success. 

A guy may be one hunk of a stud muffin, but if he lacks the proper beta traits and beta behaviors, the woman that was once dropping to her knees to blow him when he walked in the door, now can't stand to have him even look at her. 

Once a baby comes along, there needs to be a whole lot more beta coming from the husband/father than what there was when it was basically a 24/7 SexFest in the house before baby came along. 

cont.....


----------



## [email protected] (Aug 13, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You may not asking too much from a relationship
> 
> 
> 
> ...




When I read his post it seemed like she was unwilling to do anything other than missionary and that is why he was trying other things. He didn't say but timeline looks like
They may have been HS sweethearts maybe neither has any experience with others. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

No you are not asking too much but unfortunately it will take a lot of effort to get her to change. But if you love her she's worth the effort. I've battled this for almost 20 years and finally I'm seeing some improvement. My suggestion is to be firm, don't do nice things for her expecting sex in return and let her see she's not the only interest in your life. Unfortunately it seems the more you cling the worse it is, and the more you neglect the more she'll work to try and change you back. Just my opinion from my experience. 

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

GCman said:


> ...answer I get is "No matter how much I give to people they always want more"
> Am I asking too much?
> 
> Im trying, and would do anything if I knew she liked it but she wont tell me what gets her motor running.


 @GCman your wife likely views sex in marriage as an arrangement of "give and take." As in sex is something she "gives" you in exchange for something she "takes" from you. That "something" she enjoys taking is likely the idea of being in "control" of the relationship. 

So having said that, you will want to try an appreciate why your wife may feel the need to have more control in the relationship. It may be because she feels vulnerable as a result of her marriage positioning the two of you where she may actually have little or no control over her life at the end of the day. Perhaps she is bored with her life and has gained control as the result of just not caring much more for anything while you are willing to do anything for her. It could be a variety of things... so if you want to get her motor running, you will want to make the idea of her being in control a little more exciting and challenging for her in the relationship, but try and do so in a way that stands to improve her wellbeing. 

If you have control over all the household finances, try letting go a little in favor of something that helps her to feel an equal part of decision making.

If she is bored with her life, just get her a rescue kitten. Repeat until you achieve the desired results. Eventually it will work. You will see her smiling and back to her old self!


----------



## spawn2031 (Jul 19, 2017)

Kind of sounds like my wife in the aspect of her feeling like people always want more no matter how much she gives. The big problem is the effectiveness of anything you might try will be 100% based on whether or not she actually sees this as a problem. This is where I am with my wife. I tried reading all the above mentioned books, changing myself, taking even more pressure off of my wife, etc... you name it, I've been trying it. But since she doesn't see a problem in this area, she's never going to put the effort into fixing it because it's just more expended energy in a day when there's so precious little left over after dealing with kids / job / life.

My point being is that she will likely never respond to anything until she sees an actual problem. You've tried talking (granted I do agree with the others that your talking did seem very one sided). I would suggest, at this point, that you just pull back. It certainly sounds like your attempts to solve it have only frustrated her and your challenge will likely only make it worse because you are challenging her to do something that she obviously does not want or feel comfortable doing. So instead, I have a challenge for you... one that I am currently undertaking as well. Silently call her bluff. She said she'll get there and not to push her... do EXACTLY as she has requested. Don't flirt, dont make passes, don't talk about it, act like it just doesn't matter to you. Act very aloof about sex but at the same time, don't be an ass about any of this. Act as if sex just became a non-issue to you. At the same time, do everything you can to physically make yourself more attractive, clean, smell good, etc... If you do this, a couple things might happen here... 1) You'll find out she's telling the truth and your pressuring her was really making things worse and your backing off will make things better 2) She'll start to see a problem herself and worry because you aren't coming after her anymore and be more inclined to do things to try and reel you back in or 3) Nothing will happen at all and she will take no notice. Personally I am hoping for 1 or 2......


----------



## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

Your wife no longer finds you attractive. This is a cold hard truth that I too recently had to swallow. You sound like a good, solid husband and father... I like to think I am too. My kids are roughly the same age as yours, and I know the challenges that can bring. You'll find as you search for answers that there are an alarming amount of men in your very same shoes. 

I'm sure that internally, your wife wants to want to be sexual with you. She is frustrated by her low libido. She's no doubt doing similar online research to what you're doing, only from her POV. The truth is, you can be the best husband and father, and only occasionally will that reward you with sex.

The best solution to your problem is to just stop asking. Just don't. Masterbate when you feel horny. Don't slap her butt as you walk by. Don't ask her to show more cleavage or peak on her when she's in the shower. When you kiss her, make it short and sweet... don't linger or turn it into a little makeout session. Don't suggestively show her your errect penis in a suggestive manner. She clearly finds these things annoying, and it's not helping you. 

Just stop asking and initiating. Eventually she will wonder why you aren't, and most likely she will come to you for sex. She'll probably put more effort into it than she has for awhile. For most men, they assume that all is well, their wife DOES want sex after all, and they go back to begging for more sex, and she goes back to playing defense. Thus, balance is restored.

Just work on yourself for awhile. Make her chase you. Work out, lose weight, go out with your buddies, dress better, etc. Once she realizes you are somebody other women find attractive, she'll subconsciously want to up her game.

I'm not saying that will for sure work. But from what I can tell, that is the only chance guys in our situation have.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There are a lot of guys in your position and it usually starts with guys that become complacent and stop dating/romancing their wives. I actually like that women can lose their sex drive or won't do certain things in bed because it's a great indicator of how attracted the woman actually is towards you (women that are highly attracted to you will have sex however/whenever you want it and you can confirm this by reading stories on the CWI forum of what WS do with their affair partners that they won't do with their spouse). All that she's doing is displaying low attraction levels towards you and you are acting like a tool to try to change her mind, which won't work. With women that display low attraction you can either learn to raise your attraction level to them or leave, and those are your only two choices.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I would like to hear back from the OP regarding some of the other questions that have been raised here, specifically if she has always been like this, or if this is newly evolved in recent years. 

If it's recently evolved, I agree with the posters who have said to cease all pursuing temporarily and make MMSLP your Bible.

If she's always been this way, I think that you should consider a sex therapist, because she sounds repressed. You guys are in your late 30s... a lot of women get more adventurous sexually as they get older and gain more experience, and are supposed to be at their sexual peak in their late 30s/early 40s. This clearly does not apply to your wife, and I think it's important to get to the root of why, and you'll need a professional to help you get there.

Regardless, you need to do something. If one partner is dissatisfied and unfulfilled, and the problem is not addressed, the relationship will continue deteriorate. Your wife doesn't seem to understand that there's a problem--which is part of the problem.


----------



## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

What is the biggest sexual organ in our bodies?


Our minds.

It doesn't turn me on either to see men in tight shorts or naked bums. Not how my particular sexuality works.

What happens in my head at certain scenarios can turn my crank. Find out from your wife what she gets turned on by....there's got to be something.
Perhaps she has something "unconventional" she likes but is too embarrassed to tell you. Ask her if there are any fantasies or role playing she might like. What kind of scenario would interest her?
Talk to her about what she likes....but don't make it all about you getting off. 
Make it about improving the relationship and perhaps "back off" a little- that will get her attention, I'm sure. Make sure, if she does talk to you, that you don't make her feel judged, ashamed or mocked. (that **** shuts me down quicker than anything)

Oh btw, there's always porn


----------



## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

Not saying this will happen to the OP. But a lot of times wives lose their sex drive while their kids are young and life is so busy. As somebody else said, women commonly get a 2nd wind in their sex drive in their late 30s and early 40s. By this time, their husbands have usually accepted their fate, and have gotten comfortable and complacent with the situation. They've come too far down that road to reignite their sex life. She is not attracted to him, and the idea of having sex with him just doesn't seem like an interesting prospect.

That's why you hear these stories about women having sexually charged affairs, doing all the wild crazy things they used to do with their husbands in their pre-kids days. I can think of nothing more humiliating than having my wife Refuse something like oral for so long, only to give it up to some random dude. That'd be a deal breaker for me.

I'm not sure what the answer is. Some people say the only answer is to change yourself and become the man your wife would want to have an affair with. I mostly agree that this is the best option, even though it's not right.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Not necessarily the kind of man your wife would have an affair with but the kind of man you were when you were dating and in that wooing period. Affairs give a lot of attention. A lot of met needs. 

Like you did when you first met. You talked all night, you had dates and alone time and did fun things. 

If you were seeing a new woman you would make time to date her and have fun and put her in the mood. That doesn't stop when marriage does.


----------



## GCman (Sep 12, 2017)

Hey Everyone, Thanks for the honest help.

In regards to if she has always been like this I would say she hasnt had a high sex drive, But has in the past has brought me velcro easy off boxer shorts which I have worn and that worked well. 
I ask her if she like this and that and every answer is "meh its ok"

She has sexy lingerie but hates to wear it. 

In regard to this post being all about me and my needs.

I ask her for her needs, fantasies, what I can do to get her excited to see me and I get no response. and "Ill have a think about it" brush off which never comes.

I also rub her feet, tickle her back and give her massages whenever she asks for it, Cuddles/bearhugs from behind with a kiss on the neck. I would do more if she would just tell me what she is attracted to/liked. She says she likes the few things listed above and thats my goto moves.

I might try to do some more date nights/romantic things if I can get our son a baby sitter on a more regular basis.

Got the point there about trying to be more revealing and showing skin and will stop that, Thanks for that advice ladies. (but women still like to look at hot guys on calandars, beaches. go figure.... Women are confusing HAHA)

Maybe my wife just doesnt have the sex goddess in her.

I think the best advice I have got on here is to back off and work on myself.
New moto "BE THE MAN your wife would be attracted to!"
I am by no means ugly but i wouldnt consider myself good looking. 
I think ill eat better and exercise and see if I can build some muscle.

then again, maybe me bending to all her wants/needs is her owning me.

other than my **** sex life. Our relationship from my side is great.
Who knows what she thinks is our issues. If only she would tell me.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GCman said:


> Hey Everyone, Thanks for the honest help.
> 
> In regards to if she has always been like this I would say she hasnt had a high sex drive, But has in the past has brought me velcro easy off boxer shorts which I have worn and that worked well.
> I ask her if she like this and that and every answer is "meh its ok"
> ...


My XH was like the male version of your wife. He had no interest in the lingerie that I wore (didn't even bat an eye), he was only interested in one position, expressed a meh attitude at everything I suggested, had the same response when asked about needs and fantasies.

But when we were dating, he was much more interested in sex in general, and a littler more varied in positions.

I was never able to figure it out, or fix it. Nothing worked. I couldn't live like that, and it destroyed my self-esteem and self-image. We eventually divorced, obviously.

I wish I had some good advice for you, but I've got nothing.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Without reading the other replies yet - it's not asking too much, technically, but how your'e going about it is simply pressuring her. Even if you think you're doing it in a "fun" way, trust me, it's too much for her.

The simple fact that she calls your penis a "pointy thing" implies a certain level of, I don't know, embarrassment and immaturity about the subject of sex in general. Or at least not being comfortable with it. My wife calls penises and vaginas just that - but with a weird little accentuation of the words, as if she's uncomfortable even saying those. Never mind using the D or C or P words - forget that.

No oral sex both ways? Missionary only? She's not comfortable with sex. Likely has zero to do with you.

She's not sexual, she's not sexually open, and it sounds like the whole thing just makes her uncomfortable, TBH. It doesn't sound like she grew up with parents who were open about the subject, or that she got any real education about it. Probably never had friends who spoke openly about it, either.

I'd recommend couples counselling for starters, and they'll probably suggest a one-on-one sexual therapist for her, I would imagine.




GCman said:


> Hey everyone
> First time posting in a public forum in regard to my relationship with my wife.
> 
> Looking for some advice.
> ...


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Like others have said, men and women are usually turned on by very different things. While most men seem able to articulate what it is that turns them on, it seems to be more difficult for women to do this. Maybe this is because it's more elusive for women. Speaking from my own experience, I have a high sex drive, but if a guy asked me what turns me on I would find it difficult to answer. That's because different things turn me on at different times. It seems to be a momentary or emotional thing for me. While I can look at some of the good looking hot young guys on calendars and appreciate that they're good looking, I wouldn't want to have sex with one of them because looking at them doesn't make me feel horny. However, having a conversation with a man that gets a little naughty and there's that twinkle in his eye will get me going and he doesn't have to be particularly good looking. It's a sort of emotional connection that turns physical. I've been turned on by all sorts of elusive stuff - the smell of a man walking past (if he's just had a shower), a finger lightly drawn down my back (with or without clothes), a slight touch on the inside of my elbow, etc. There are certain things I like during sex, such as oral sex, but it needs to be done the way I like it (which means I would prefer it to be teasing rather than feel like the guy is going to devour me or chew on me). What I have found is that being asked what I want or being asked about preferences makes me feel pressured and turns me off. For example, I can enjoy giving oral, but if a guy asks me to or pushes my head down there, I find it a total turn off and lose the mood. However, when I'm left to my own devices and get there in my own time, I love giving a BJ and find it a turn on. If a guy were parading round the house in a pinny with his bare backside hanging out, I'd find that off-putting and awkward, rather than sexy. It would give me the message that this is all about sex, I'd feel under pressure to get turned on and perform and this would turn me off.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

GCman said:


> then again, maybe me bending to all her wants/needs is her owning me.


This is part of it, almost assuredly. Not all of it, mind you, but definitely a subconscious part of it for her.

And it doesn't work how you'd think, either. It's not a question of "Ha! I don't have to do anything, because he meets all my needs regardless!" It's more that she subconsciously knows there's no challenge involved with you.

For most people, change comes from their direct environment - not by talking, or negotiating, or telling them they must change - no matter how nicely you do it. And it doesn't come from threats, direct or indirect.

Apart from couples counselling, I'd suggest, as others have, to focus on yourself.

That does not mean you don't stop doing what you already do in regards to home management things. What it means is that you pick up a hobby or two, leave the house, be social with your friends (you know, go to the pub, or take up golf) and generally just don't be home all the time or go out solely with your wife. Don't turn into Andy Capp or anything, but balance things. Don't always be "available" to her.

As it is, I strongly suspect that you are "always there". It likely doesn't annoy her, and she may even like that you're always around, or everything you do is couples-related, but that also contributes to familiarity and "same old, same old", even if it's not quite viewed that way.

Furthermore, it consciously or subconsciously will up her "mate guarding" game, provided she has one. This is one area that I severely lack in my life, due to my career. I am self-employed, and don't interact with people on a regular basis, like one would at an office. I primarily work from home. Basically, my wife knows where I am pretty much all the time... I do go out with friends, and I play sports regularly, so I do leave the house and interact with others, but 99% males. She generally has no need to mate guard me. Now if I regularly went to the pubs with my mates, that'd be a different story. Same if I worked in an office 8 hours a day. My wife basically has zero jealousy or concern, because I'm simply never (or very rarely) in an environment that would produce such feelings.

That said, I do go out a lot with friends, without her. So at least it gives her a chance to miss me. But again, the environments are not conducive to her ever having to worry.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Does your wife work outside of the home?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> My XH was like the male version of your wife. He had no interest in the lingerie that I wore (didn't even bat an eye), he was only interested in one position, expressed a meh attitude at everything I suggested, had the same response when asked about needs and fantasies.
> 
> But when we were dating, he was much more interested in sex in general, and a littler more varied in positions.
> 
> ...


 @GCman this is a great comment and one to reflect on for a while. 

If your marriage is destroying your self-esteem and self-image, that is a serious problem. Some of that can be fixed and helped by working on your self development and trying to be a better person on your own, but that is also doomed to fail if you are trying to become someone other than yourself, because you will loose yourself in the process. Then there is no one left to love. If you do succeed to improve your well being and your spouse is inspired by that, then that is great. More often than not, a perpetually reluctant spouse will just serve to drain all your energy and motivation until you eventually break. 

So if you plan to work on yourself, do NOT do so by trying to be the man you think your wife wants you to be. Instead work on being yourself and being the best person you want to be. Then share that with your wife. If she is not happy to see you becoming a better person, then your marriage is destroying you. Hopefully she will be happy to see you working on becoming a better person and help inspire you. If so, you have a marriage worth fighting for...

Badsanta


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> @GCman this is a great comment and one to reflect on for a while.
> 
> If your marriage is destroying your self-esteem and self-image, that is a serious problem. Some of that can be fixed and helped by working on your self development and trying to be a better person on your own, but that is also doomed to fail if you are trying to become someone other than yourself, because you will loose yourself in the process. Then there is no one left to love. If you do succeed to improve your well being and your spouse is inspired by that, then that is great. More often than not, a perpetually reluctant spouse will just serve to drain all your energy and motivation until you eventually break.
> 
> ...


All of this. QFT.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GCman said:


> I have also asked many time what she like sexually from me. What can I do to be more attractive to her and have her want me...... No answer. I have brought sexy tight shorts with a front zipper. I asked her if she likes that.


If you were in a gay relationship with another guy, that would probably work, as best as can understand. Its clear you don't understand what makes a woman tick. Some women (and men) are just not that into sex. You either married one or she's not romantically into you and just wants to get it over with.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> I'm going to offer that maybe she just isn't attracted to you. What you describe are similar to things my ex H did when we were starting to float apart and I was honestly repulsed because I already had already lost a lot of respect for him.
> 
> She also seems to just not have a preference for the physical things you want. It's basic incompatibility with your obvious needs.
> 
> If she's not willing to put in effort to change or doesn't see this as a problem, then I don't think there is much you can do other than move on and find yourself a woman who wants to fulfill your needs and receive fulfillment back.


I have to agree with this.
I have to 'like' this.

To not, is not to rise above the chatter, the natter, the nothing, that is your life.

*When you Know and do nothing, then that Knowing is in in a different place than your' mind, your Fate.* 

SCM, of course, on course. But to where?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

VibrantWings said:


> What is the biggest sexual organ in our bodies?
> 
> 
> Our minds.
> ...


Men...

Fear this. Women enjoying porn.

Fear it more than the largest army with the most armaments aimed at your gut, your pelvis, your place, your spot on the globe.

Porn: The ultimate Collamer Comparator. 

Pitting you, against the best and worst of your peers.

Stand strong...what else can you do?


----------

