# wanting to put all the pieces back together



## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

I recently found out that my husband has cheated on me in the past. Naturally I'm hurt, angry, heartbroken, but I want to move past this and put our life as a couple back together.

I opened his computer to check my facebook, and he had left himself logged into the messenger. I know this is stupid, but I was curious and went through his conversation history. I found that he had been cybering and web chatting with other women and even lying to them about being single and living with his brother.

I confronted him about this when he came home. It was a huge fight about how to him its not cheating if his emotions aren't involved (but hello, mine are.) and that if I thought that was bad he had slept with a friend when I was 12 wks pregnant with my son. And that when my son was 1 month old he met up with some stranger off the internet to get a blow job because I wasn't doing it enough. A**hole I know.

We've talked. He says the time when I was pregnant he had went to talk with the friend because he was scared and she wanted him and he didn't stop her because he wasn't thinking. He told me that they didn't even finish. He lost it and left. Same with the blow job. She started but it wasn't me so it wasn't good enough and he hated himself for even going to meet her.

I'm still incredibly hurt, I believe him when he says he wants us to work and he is willing to try. He deleted all his accounts that I thought would cause problems. I always know what he is doing when he's on the computer now. He spends less time on the computer and more time with me/ doing things around the house... I guess I just to to talk to work things out in my head. See how I feel. I wonder if there is any couple that has successfuly moved past something like this.

Any feedback, advice would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

You've already found out that he has cheated on you 3 times, that you know of, right? And with one of your friends? Hon, you are young, your husband is more than likely a serial cheater and will always be. The only thing that will save him is a combo of divine intervention and some serious counselling. 

Are you getting marriage counseling? Is he getting individual counseling? Is he completely transparent, he is sincerely sorry? Is he not just talking the talk but showing you with actions? He clearly is not accepting that he did this, and that's completely his fault because he is blaming it on you or the other women. Doesn't sound like he is owning what HE DID and is giving you excuses and blaming it on the other women. I hope you realize that he is feeding you a bunch of horse**** on that not being able to finish thing because it wasn't you. 


I realize you have a child but someone who has already done this 3 times is more than likely not going to be able to change. The wisest thing you could do is walk, no run away before you end up with more kids and he gets better at hiding it and he destroys your self esteem and respect. You deserve better than he will be able to give you. He is trainwreck, don't ride it with him.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

thenewmeaning,

Alright...where to begin.

You are beginning your travel down a very hard road. Can you and your spouse heal from this? Become a better couple? Stop this from ever happening again? Yes...my wife and I did. 

But here's the hard truth of the matter:

He has to stop cheating and take full ownership of the affairs *BEFORE* you can move forward together.

Its going to take a lot of hard work on both your parts. Both you and your husband are going to have to work together as a team. Counseling..maybe. Reading and research..definitely. Will it get worse before it gets better...probably. 

What you can do right now:
Take care of yourself. Give yourself time and space. Don't trust anything without verification. Take it a day at a time and stay focused on the reality of the situation. There is *NO* quick fix.

best wishes,

GM


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

southernmagnolia said:


> You've already found out that he has cheated on you 3 times, that you know of, right? And with one of your friends? Hon, you are young, your husband is more than likely a serial cheater and will always be. The only thing that will save him is a combo of divine intervention and some serious counselling.
> 
> Are you getting marriage counseling? Is he getting individual counseling? Is he completely transparent, he is sincerely sorry? Is he not just talking the talk but showing you with actions? He clearly is not accepting that he did this, and that's completely his fault because he is blaming it on you or the other women. Doesn't sound like he is owning what HE DID and is giving you excuses and blaming it on the other women. I hope you realize that he is feeding you a bunch of horse**** on that not being able to finish thing because it wasn't you.
> 
> ...


his friend. not mine. i answered all your other questions in my post. Sorry I wasn't clear enough.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> his friend. not mine. i answered all your other questions in my post. Sorry I wasn't clear enough.


Oh hon if it had happened one time, maybe but 3 times and he is not owing what he did to you and your baby. Please don't spend years wasting your time, it will only bring you more heartache. Save yourself.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

GM is telling you right. Yes there are couples that manage to work through an affair, my wife and I did - I was the cheater. 

Like GM said, your H has to take complete and total ownership of what he has done before you can start to work through this. He has to fully own it, no excuses, before he can begin to process it and either work through it himself or help you work through it. That's only the first step, but you can't start without it.

After that it's still a long hard journey. The good news is that if he can do that and you both genuinely want to reconcile your marriage can come out stronger and better than it was before.


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

Thank you GM and sigma. Some positive feedback is nice. I'm just happy that we are you communicating without fighting and that he has been truthful and honest with me. He knows how I feel right now. He shows me things when I ask to see them if thats what I need him to do. He's owning up to and not laying any of the blame on me or making excuses anymore. I think we can work through this. Just need the support if you guys know what I mean.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Keep communicating with him. The two of you will need to talk about this way more than you'd imagine. My wife and I are a little over a year past D Day and we still talk about it very frequently. It's just part of dealing with it. We've covered the same issues until we're both blue in the face about it, but we have covered virtually every aspect of it until we are both very at peace with it. Just be sure it's completely dealt with and not swept under the rug in an overwhelming desire to return to normalcy. 

Your marriage really can come out better if you work together.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

thenewmeaning,

Remember:

The small victories everyday, amount to huge success tomorrow.

Best wishes,

GM


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> Thank you GM and sigma. Some positive feedback is nice. I'm just happy that we are you communicating without fighting and that he has been truthful and honest with me. He knows how I feel right now. He shows me things when I ask to see them if thats what I need him to do. He's owning up to and not laying any of the blame on me or making excuses anymore. I think we can work through this. Just need the support if you guys know what I mean.



You thought my reply was a little to harsh I guess, sorry about that. My only concern is to save you from future pain. 

I'm sorry but from your post you didn't say that he was owning anything. You said he blamed you and the other woman, is that incorrect?

You said that you deleted accounts, why didn't he do that for you?


Serial cheaters are a whole different ballgame. Please do some research online about it. The rarely if ever change. I don't say this to be cruel but someone who has already cheated on you 3 times has major issues. It's not the same as a one time, oh I messed up deal. 

My father was a serial cheater and it NEVER stopped.


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

_You thought my reply was a little to harsh I guess, sorry about that. My only concern is to save you from future pain. _ 

I was not asking for anyone to "save" me. I am a strong woman who can take care of myself. I love my husband and I won't walk away from this marriage until I feel I have done everything in my power to save it. Like I said vows mean something to me. I wasn't asking if I should stay or go. More asking for people with similar stories to share and SUPPORT my decision. Not try and change my mind.

_I'm sorry but from your post you didn't say that he was owning anything. You said he blamed you and the other woman, is that incorrect?_

He had since owned up to it. That is what he was initially doing.

_You said that you deleted accounts, why didn't he do that for you?_

He deleted these accounts because I thought that they would cause problems and asked him to. He did this without fighting over, asking why, or anything. He just did it and I appreciate that.

_Serial cheaters are a whole different ballgame. Please do some research online about it. The rarely if ever change. I don't say this to be cruel but someone who has already cheated on you 3 times has major issues. It's not the same as a one time, oh I messed up deal. 

My father was a serial cheater and it NEVER stopped._

That he talks to other women online, yes it is cheating. he is going to work on it. I don't expect him to change over night. I don't expect a miracle. The other two times I do believe were "oops I messed up" circumstances. I'm sorry about your father, but I don't believe that my situation is the same. 


My point is that I am going to respectively disagree with you. But I do appreciate your opinion.


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

I would also like to let every know before this even gets brought up. 

I married my husband young, I know. We have two kids together, but this is not why we are still together, or married. We married first and then started a family. We wanted both of our children and were actively trying each time. He was in the military at the time, and has since been discharged. Should we have waited a little longer to start our family? I will agree with most of you and say yes, but not one ounce of me regrets it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> I know this is stupid, but I was curious and went through his conversation history...


Based on what you found, I don't know why you think it was "stupid". 

I see you said you are strong; good for you. I want to add, for your sake I hope you are not so strong and so committed to seeing the good, that you allow the potential red flags to cloud your vision. He's done this more than once, and even threw it in your face... just be diligent. Yes, you can work through this, but not *just* because you want it to. Good luck!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

2x is right. As you work on things remember to inspect what you expect.


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

2xloser said:


> Yes, you can work through this, but not *just* because you want it to.


Not exactly sure what you mean by this?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

You have every right to disagree with me and think I'm totally off my rocker if you want.  It doesn't matter if you take my advice or not, but I don't think you realize what you are dealing with. Your vows aren't the problem, his are. I bet if you dig, you will find there is more than 3. 

A *serial cheater*, not just a oops, I screwed up *one* time. If you are sure that I'm totally off my rocker, then it shouldn't bother you to google it and read some info, right? 

I said what I said out of concern, not to project or make you feel bad or that it's your fault. It's all on your husband, unless you stick your head in the sand and refuse to see what you are really dealing with.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> _
> That he talks to other women online, yes it is cheating. he is going to work on it. I don't expect him to change over night. I don't expect a miracle.
> _


_

The above caught my eye. I'm sorry if you feel I'm harping on you, but you probably are still in shock and trying to figure out what to do and how to do.

Hon......how can someone "work on it"?? They are either cheating or NOT. It's not complicated. They either stop or they don't, you don't work on it, that's just lip service. Actions is how someone shows you they are changing. And someone who really wants their marriage does stop if he values your marriage and you. They don't give you any bull****e nonsense about working on it. You are giving him way to much room and he knows it and is taking full advantage of it. He is still disrespecting you. When are you going to get pissed off?? You are not his doormat, you should be the one calling the shots here and if he wants you and the marriage he should be doing what you require, not some half way words that say "he is working on it". 

You need to go over to the site survivinginfidelity and let those ladies help you draw some firm boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not._


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

:iagree:


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

When I say working on it I mean that he is not, I have checked. Multiple times. I saying working on it because I know hes going to be tempted at some point. We'll See how it goes then. It is cheating plain and simple and he knows that. I have set boundaries. I never said that my vows were a problem only that I believe in them and won't break them at this point even if he has.

And harping? Not before. But now yes I think you are harping because I already told you I disagree and you keep acting as if one of your thoughts will magically hit me in the face and I'll wake up. Sorry, I don't think so.

And I will google it. But the fact that he is willing to change says what I need to hear. Go ahead so " oh hon, serial cheaters know how to tell their spouses what they want to hear..." But he is actually changing. We are starting counseling. I'll research serial cheating to amuse you. But I don't care if thats what he is. He IS getting a chance. 

If I wind up being wrong for this, so be it. I'm prepared for that to happen.


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

And the sticking my head in the sand? Really?

He isn't giving me bull**** about working on it. Those are MY words. He is actually under an eagle eye. I check his phone and computer multiple times a day. Most of the time spent on the computer by him is actually reading stories on here with me and talking to me about what he did.

I guess what I am saying is I may not be good at explaining things. But he IS changing. Not just saying he will or feeding me horse****. 

And I don't know why I'm even saying this. Don't think you'll care, but I just looked up over the computer and saw his face. Hes tearing up and upset because he can see the hurt and anger in my face, the same hurt and anger I get everytime I talk about it. And right now, at this exact moment I think what he did is hurting him more than it does me.

This is why I'm trying. I love him and he is sincerely sorry and willing to change. If he were still feeding me the its my fault crap I would be gone.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> When I say working on it I mean that he is not, I have checked. Multiple times. I saying working on it because I know hes going to be tempted at some point. We'll See how it goes then. It is cheating plain and simple and he knows that. I have set boundaries. I never said that my vows were a problem only that I believe in them and won't break them at this point even if he has.
> 
> And harping? Not before. But now yes I think you are harping because I already told you I disagree and you keep acting as if one of your thoughts will magically hit me in the face and I'll wake up. Sorry, I don't think so.
> 
> ...


I apologize if my oh hon sounding condescending, they really weren't meant to. I'm a southern gal and my heart hurts for you. The only things I've said that are not nice is what I said about your husband, so why is that a problem?

snip

I still think you should check out that other site as it's focus is completely on infidelity. it's called survivinginfidelity.

Until now you did not make it clear that he wasn't cheating, in fact you said the opposite. 

Good luck!


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## thenewmeaningof<3ache (Aug 29, 2011)

Why from my posts would you think that he is still cheating? 

He's not. Like I said if he were I would know.

And he knows that if he cheats again me and my children are gone. He has no way that he would get partial custody of them, so he would lose his children, not just me.

Enough is enough the second anything happens again.

Editing to add this. I'm a southern gal as well. But Hon has always been condescending to me. ALWAYS. You could probably use any other term, sweetie, honey instead of hon. But yes I do hate hon.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> Why from my posts would you think that he is still cheating?
> 
> He's not. Like I said if he were I would know.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, I misunderstood what you wrote, I thought you said he was still cheating. You said this, "That he talks to other women online, yes it is cheating. he is going to work on it. I don't expect him to change over night. I don't expect a miracle." so my conclusion that it was still going on was logical. 

Again I apologize if I sounded condescending, it really wasn't meant that way. Come to think of it, I hate it when someone does that to me in a drive thru line for instance. :lol: Lesson learned.......truce, OK? 

It sounds like you have some good boundaries now, that's great.

The 3 times is very worrying. We all have patterns of behavior and it's very difficult to break a pattern that is ingrained. I'm sure even my father didn't want to do what he was doing but he didn't stop and he lost everything. Is your husband getting some professional help? Are you getting help?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

thenewmeaningof<3ache said:


> Not exactly sure what you mean by this?


What I meant was kind of what sigma said -- "As you work on things remember to inspect what you expect." 

Reading your other posts (thanks for clarifying), I thought what southernmagnolia thought, too -- that given your comment "he's working on it", you were somehow not setting firm boundaries for him, that he was possibly still doing it. I see now from your clarification that he isn't, you do have firm boundaries, and are watching diligently. 

I also see you don't want to hear it, but I'm sorry, 3 times cheating _that you know about_concerns us all... we've seen the story repeated over and over again and really do just want to help guide your thoughts and actions toward diligence and protecting yourself.

Again, I am one that DOES feel it can get worked out for you... not saying that 3 times makes it impossible or over; not sayng he can't or hasn't changed, actually very much hoping it's all genuine and real and works out for a happily ever after, stronger-than-it-was-before marriage. But the pattern IS there and is thus harder to stop than just an 'oops, shouldn't have done that' moment in time...

Good luck to you!


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