# may have gotten into incompatible marriage but I want to fix it...



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

My husband and I are newlyweds. We've "known" each other for 12 years. Basically we met sitting at Denny's, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and reading, back in the day. We'd talk all night, mostly about books or history (we're both kind of nerds, which works). I moved in and out of our hometown over the years... Anyway I felt so comfortable and happy when I was around him. We hadn't seen each other for a few years, and when I ran back into him again, suddenly all the attraction was there, it was like not a day had passed, and I was so happy. He was amazing with my son. I was convinced that this had to be the one, "destiny". We got married after a very short courtship and I moved with him to his home state, across the country, where his family is.

Anyway I realized very quickly that when we were not joking or keeping it "light", it is very difficult for us to communicate. He is very high anxiety and easy to stress, and the ease in which he initially got along with my son dropped fairly quickly. I realized he is a very strict kind of dad and can't ever just let things go with my son, even things that are totally not a big deal (if it's hot outside and my son rolls down his window when we are driving he barks at him, little stuff like that). I also realized he and I have some very different values. And our "love languages" are different. He requires a lot of physical affection and praise, which, he very well knows me, I am not PDA and I am not "mushy" or romantic. I express my love by doing things for people and being kind to them in general, and loyal. But anyway I learned how to be more PDA for him. I have "cuddle times" set up during the day and give him a massage once a week and give him at least one compliment a day. I have learned to adjust to his love language because it's my responsibility. But he still hasn't quite adapted to mine. And I'm concerned because he has been self medicating a lot the last couple of weeks, mainly with alcohol after my son is sleeping. 

I am scared and kind of thinking "what have I gotten myself into here?". He agrees that we really do not know each other that well but is entirely unphased by it. He's convinced we will be in love forever. Meanwhile he spends most of his time at home from work sleeping, we rarely talk and don't know what to talk about when we do, so we switch to easy subjects like the weather. I'm not sure how I feel about it right now, but I want to try to keep this marriage going because I made that commitment.

So I guess I want to know, how can we learn these things about each other with our values and the deeper aspects. We get along fine when it's surface stuff and light, we laugh together a lot in fact, but whenever we try to connect or deal with "life" situations it's not working. So I need some advice. My son is very connected to him already and I don't want to hurt him, and I really am not ready to leave him and give up just yet. What can we do to increase our connection and learn more about each other?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have a hard time connecting to my H on a deeper level, too. My H likes to zone out watching basketball or playing some game. This last week I asked him to stop doing those things during the week. Its been much nicer. 

My H is also a PDA guy and Im not at all. When we get in a fight he tries to hug me or kiss me to help, but that just makes me angrier since after this many years he still doesn't know how to communicate with me. So I get angrier and then he withdraws completely. its a vicious cycle.

One thing we do together to try and foster intimacy is a boundary workbook. Doing the book helps because then everyone knows its time to be serious and pay attention. I try not to bring up anything personal without letting him know that its very personal and I need a response. 

If your H is drinking that can be a big problem, though. My brother drinks and he's completely un-responsive emotionally when he's drinking. Nothing is a big deal, he doesn't care about anything, and he sort of just exists. I don't share anything personal with him because he cant be trusted with it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

He sounds like I used to be. Have you considered marriage counseling? Thats where mine started but quickly turned to individual counseling. I've learned to calm my anxiety, no longer self medicate, don't drink and I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I'm free which means I'm able to communicate much easier with my own husband.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

@ Blanca- he said he will not drink if I don't want him too but that he'll never stop smoking pot at least once a week. He totally misrepresented this to me when we got married, he said he only smoked weed "every once in a while" and that he's sober. I draw a very hard line on substances because of my families genetic history of addiction, all the males have had addiction problems as far back as I know. So I don't want my son getting the impression that regular use of ANYTHING that alters your state of being is a healthy or normal thing. My H is well aware of that.

10 minutes later he totally took it back and said he would do anything to stay with me. He has a habit of making these absolute statements for the purpose of stinging me and then recanting them when he realizes what he's done. I don't care to deal with that much.

@ magnoliagal- that's my suggestion to him, seeking counseling, we will see if he takes it. But I won't walk around on eggshells for long, and I won't be disrespected for long either. So hopefully he will go ASAP. Or we can start out at an MC together.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I have a hard time connecting to my H on a deeper level, too. My H likes to zone out watching basketball or playing some game. This last week I asked him to stop doing those things during the week. Its been much nicer.
> I would not want anyone policing when and what I watch. Maybe it's his time to himself. My husband loves baseball and I let him watch it while I read or do something else. He needs to feel free to relax.
> 
> My H is also a PDA guy and Im not at all. When we get in a fight he tries to hug me or kiss me to help, but that just makes me angrier since after this many years he still doesn't know how to communicate with me. So I get angrier and then he withdraws completely. its a vicious cycle.There is no need to be angry because your husband wants to be affectionate with you. You are his wife; who should he kiss if not you?
> ...


Self medication can become a huge problem; the underlying issues need to be hashed out. It's all about moderation.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> My husband and I are newlyweds. We've "known" each other for 12 years. Basically we met sitting at Denny's, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and reading, back in the day. We'd talk all night, mostly about books or history (we're both kind of nerds, which works). I moved in and out of our hometown over the years... Anyway I felt so comfortable and happy when I was around him. We hadn't seen each other for a few years, and when I ran back into him again, suddenly all the attraction was there, it was like not a day had passed, and I was so happy. He was amazing with my son. I was convinced that this had to be the one, "destiny". We got married after a very short courtship and I moved with him to his home state, across the country, where his family is. Making a lifelong commitment to someone you barely know is dangerously impulsive. Relationships are always good in the early stages.
> 
> Anyway I realized very quickly that when we were not joking or keeping it "light", it is very difficult for us to communicate. He is very high anxiety and easy to stress, and the ease in which he initially got along with my son dropped fairly quickly. I realized he is a very strict kind of dad and can't ever just let things go with my son, even things that are totally not a big deal (if it's hot outside and my son rolls down his window when we are driving he barks at him, little stuff like that). I also realized he and I have some very different values. I am sorry that your values are so different. This is why it's best to date someone for at least a year before marriage....I suspect that none of this would have been a surprise if you had just slowed down and gotten to know your hubby, before being married.
> 
> ...


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Quite right it was dangerously impulsive, I felt like I must know him bc of our history but I was wrong and now I have endangered my child's emotions which are already fragile. He does not agree his drinking or smoking weed are habitual or problematic or 'self medication' so IDK if he would talk to a counselor about them. I want us to see a marriage counselor though. I admit I don't have a lot of patience for his blow ups and immaturity, I am very capable of containing my emotions and communicating calmly with him. And I really don't believe I am better than him or anyone else. In this case because of my child I don't know if I can just be patient and wait it out. For how long? I'm going to suggest an MC to him tonight and see what he says. I feel pretty hopeless after our argument today.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AvaTara539 said:


> @ Blanca- he said he will not drink if I don't want him too but that he'll never stop smoking pot at least once a week. He totally misrepresented this to me when we got married, he said he only smoked weed "every once in a while" and that he's sober. I draw a very hard line on substances because of my families genetic history of addiction, all the males have had addiction problems as far back as I know. So I don't want my son getting the impression that regular use of ANYTHING that alters your state of being is a healthy or normal thing. My H is well aware of that.


Im the same way. alcohol abuse runs in my family, too, so i married someone who was literally allergic to the stuff!! he's never done drugs and has no interest in it. I thought i was pretty well set....but turns out he was addicted to porn. oh well. all you can do is try right. 

So now that you know he's not going to quit what are you going to do? seems like a pretty hard line in the sand. At least he's being honest....now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> I would not want anyone policing when and what I watch. Maybe it's his time to himself. My husband loves baseball and I let him watch it while I read or do something else. He needs to feel free to relax.


Your immediate defensiveness of that situation is very telling of your prejudiced dynamics. 



Mrs.G said:


> There is no need to be angry because your husband wants to be affectionate with you. You are his wife; who should he kiss if not you?


You missed the point.



Mrs.G said:


> It seems like you want to keep your husband at an arms length...you may have some issues with intimacy. Just an observation.


:slap: So that's my issue....

Im just teasing you. This thread isn't about me so there's really no need to try and divulge my issues here.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Blanca said:


> Your immediate defensiveness of that situation is very telling of your prejudiced dynamics.
> 
> :rofl:Uh, okay. Your coldness towards your husband speaks volumes about your personality, just like your controlling behaviour. The man can't even watch a sports match, without you nagging him??? People need their private space in marriage..I'll leave you to think of the prejudice in allowing someone to unwind after a hard day. :lol:
> 
> ...


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Blanca said:


> Im the same way. alcohol abuse runs in my family, too, so i married someone who was literally allergic to the stuff!! he's never done drugs and has no interest in it. I thought i was pretty well set....but turns out he was addicted to porn. oh well. all you can do is try right.
> 
> So now that you know he's not going to quit what are you going to do? seems like a pretty hard line in the sand. At least he's being honest....now.


What would you consider "an addiction to porn"? I think daily masturbation and porn viewing is perfectly normal as long as it's not multiple times a day or 'fer gods sake' frequent LOL. 

He said he didn't mean what he said when he told me he was never going to quit, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see if that was truthful or not. I have a nose like a bloodhound


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> What would you consider "an addiction to porn"? I think daily masturbation and porn viewing is perfectly normal as long as it's not multiple times a day or 'fer gods sake' frequent LOL. You and I think exactly alike. :smthumbup: Those who think premarital sex is wrong are rarely open minded about porn.
> 
> He said he didn't mean what he said when he told me he was never going to quit, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see if that was truthful or not. I have a nose like a bloodhound All addicts can only quit when they want to. I think he's just paying you lip service. If your husband wanted to stop, he would have already.
> 
> ...


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