# Am I overthinking things?



## BlueEyedWife (May 28, 2016)

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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

You can't change him or even make him work on it or read anything. You can however work on yourself. Not sure what you've read but check out How to Improve You Marriage without Talking About It. 

And consider yourself lucky if haven't had a book flung at you (she wasn't trying to, and didn't, hit me).


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I don't think you're over thinking things. But it does sound as if you're too impatient. If you've been unhappy for a long time, that happens.

Don't confuse your impatience with his being unresponsive. By your description, he sounds like he's heard you and is making some real efforts to respond. Bravo for both of you.

Don't blow it by asking for more than both of you can handle. It takes time for new behaviors to become habit, and the best condition for that is simplicity. Let him continue do all those romantic things, make sure to acknowledge and appreciate and enjoy them, and in time, when that's a part of the routine, you can slowly add more things.

This is a matter of you working on your expectations and tempering them, rather than his not being responsive or unable to change.

Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day...


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

As the HD spouse it means your are probably the more passionate one too. The downside to passion can be impatience. That is me too. Hard to do slow and steady. Keep up reading and trying because it is important. As a passionate person it is easy to be become hyperfocused. 

The best advice given me here on TAM was to find interests outside of relationship. It was also the hardest too get through my head because that is not what the heart wanted. Set goals for yourself that brings you personal satisfaction and success that doesn't require hubby. It doesn't necessarily mean diet or exercise but search the internet or pinterest for ideas that peek your interest. Maybe it is cooking or decorating or gardening. The point is to find something for yourself that is about you and no one else. If anything it will help take away the hyperfocus on hubby and allow you to give yourself the attention and satisfaction your so crave..


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You still haven't looked into meditation... have you? :wink2:

It will assist in learning patience...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

One of my books said that if your partner wasn't willing to participate, work on yourself first. Wait for your partner to ask what is working for you. Like you I tried to get my wife to join me in the process. miserable failure of a conversation for me as well. 

I also agree that the best thing you can do at this point is to vocally appreciate every little thing he does that helps.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BlueEyedWife said:


> Then I mentioned that maybe we won't be able to *fix things* if he's not into it and he got super offended and started accusing me of boycotting everything, of trying to find everything and anything to make this fail.


The majority of the time it is poor self confidence of not feeling loved that will manifest itself in the most bizarre ways. For example if you are not feeling loved due to low self confidence, you may accuse him of having something wrong with him in the relationship and him being the one that needs to change. 

Ideally you should be confident, happy on your own, and NOT hold him responsible. When you are having a great day, you should want to share that with you partner and have a fun and meaningful moment together. At the same time you have to respect each others personal space in such a way that it fosters independent happiness that the two of you can connect and share this with one another.

Personally, I find myself reading a lot of books in my marriage. At the same time I honestly think my wife feels threatened by them because I am guilty of making her feel like she is not enough for me. In reality my desire for her should be seen as a compliment and something that she uses to help build her self confidence. 

So are you overthinking things, probably not. But you may want to look at things from another perspective. You need to focus on making your husband feel loved and accepted just the way he is. Once you overcome that, you should be able to ask him to help you feel loved and accepted just the way you are. 

Loving someone can at times be very difficult. It is not fair that you demand things be fixed so that you can feel loved if at that moment you do not fully understand what it is to make your partner feel loved.

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## BlueEyedWife (May 28, 2016)

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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

I have recently seen some changes in hubby too lately. Subtle but still changes. In the past, my impatience would have me overexcited and jumping right in. Overthinking it, too. I have made a deliberate choice to stay out of it right now. I know in my head that he is doing these things for him and fulfilling his own needs but that is okay. I don't need to be part of the picture right now and his working on himself benefits "us" down the road. I am having to retrain my own self to not take the lead and figure out how to be supportive in a more subtle, on the side line, manner.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You remember when your 2 year old insisted they had to put their own shoes on? Times a waiting and you're standing there doing your very best to smile encouragingly as they continue to try to get the left shoes on the right foot. And the reason why you're standing there and not interrupting them is because they will throw a giant fit screaming "let me do it I can do it let me do it" and then take their show off each time you put their shoe back on them. Making you just as late.


Here's another story...

There was a man standing on the deck of a ship at sea in the night, during a violent storm. The ship was tossed side to side in the swells. The man fell overboard. By some miracle, another crew member saw him fall and was able to sound the alarm immediately. The crew on the deck didn't have much hope they would even glimpse the man in order to save him because the night was moonless. Yet another miracle happened when the man was spotted in the waves and still close enough that they could throw a life ring out to him and so they did. The man was being pulled further and further from the ship they didn't have much time so the most experienced threw the ring to the man. The man saw the ring but didn't grab hold. The crew yelled to grab the ring so they could pull him back to the boat. The man yelled back, "I want the yellow one not the white one."

This is why writing down your minimal expectations on improvement within 6, 9, and 12 months is important. It doesn't matter how he gets there, as long as he gets there.

You see him not taking this seriously. But like the 2 year old, you gotta let him try his way. And like the two year old, you gotta be patient and encouraging.

However, like the man who fell off the boat, if he insists on doing it his way all the way through to this time next year without seeking help, he has again informed you that his need to stay in his comfort zone is more important to him than his wife.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I suggest you try to mediate right after a satisfying masturbatory interlude. It will be easier to get your mind to rest.


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## BlueEyedWife (May 28, 2016)

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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, you don't sound whiny at all. I've been where you are; armed with an arsenal of tools to bring a husband to the promised land only to see them gather dust as your husband pulls every trick in the book to convince you that what you want isn't really what you want, is unrealistic, is too much, can't you just be happy with this little step...

And just like with the two year old and how you end up accommodating so the baby gets to do it all by himself only you've placed each shoe next to the correct foot and you're just helping with one finger to pull the heel back, you're going to end up compromising for happy enough. 

If you've identified where this relationship should end up, what the average sexual encounter looks like, then you can identify where you might be willing to compromise because everything else is working quite well. But, you'd only make that compromise if you've witnessed him making good faith efforts on a consistent basis.

Above all, do not compromise your passion. Being a passionate person is a gift. Yes, we can be impatient because passion isn't patient. 

Complacency breeds mediocrity.


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