# Help! I am so pissed off and don't understand why...



## HOW2BHAPPY (Aug 15, 2014)

I don't know why I am so upset about this. Here is the scenario: My wife has a guy friend that has been around for many years. I don't consider him a threat because he is sloppy and fat and it is clear my wife is not attracted to him. He is always quick to jump if she needs help or an errand to make her life more convenient. Things like loan her money, pick up application forms, milk and cheese when he is at the market etc. 

I understand completely that they guy used to be in love her many years ago (maybe still does love her?) and would do anything for her; but he was friend zoned many years before we were married. 

There have been a couple times when my wife asked me to do chores and I was not quick enough to get er done only to find that she had complained to her friend (lets call him Rick)..and he ended up doing the task. I felt surprised and maybe even ashamed that he was so quick to show up in rain coat, gum boots, goggles and safety vest to pressure my patio as soon as she complained to him that I been procrastinating.

The most recent issue that really upset me seems stupid. I don't know why I am so angry about it.

I consider financials to be a marriage and partnership concern. I do cover most of the major costs in our life (retirement savings, mortgage, utilities, holidays, cars, entertainment etc). I also fund a joint account that my wife spends from but never contributes to. 

I always have a jar to keep my coin/change and when it is full I take it to my bank that has an automatic change counter that members use for free. My wife also had a full jar this time and asked if I would convert her change too. I said I would..but I procrastinated for a week. Later she asked again and I invited her to come with me on a day off work and we could do it together (which would save me two trips into the bank. Each jar probably has about $300+), but she said she had other things to do. A few more days, it was a weekend and she asked me to convert her change again, since it was a day off I said sure, lets pop out and do it now and I can do mine at the same time! Again she said she had other things to do so I didn't recognize any urgency.

A few more days goes by and I get home from work and while we are talking the doorbell rings and she says hang on, goes to the door, steps outside and closes the door. When she comes back in...I asked her what was up..and she tells me that Rick had converted her change for her. 

I was so upset/angry/flushed....and I don't really understand why. I asked her why he had converted her change and she said she had waited long enough for me to do it. Then she told me that her pay check was unexpectedly short and that she need the extra money. What....really? She didn't tell me that her pay was short, but she did tell Rick and he was quick to take her change to the bank and convert it and deliver her the cash.

Why am I so angry about this? Am I wrong to feel this way? She doesn't see any problem and was not interested in discussing it. I flew off the handle and don't know if I should apologize or how to resolve the situation.

Input sincerely appreciated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Besides getting things done in a more timely manner, you could have a word with her friend, too.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I understand why you're upset and I agree that her friendship with this guy is crossing some boundaries, even if there's nothing sexual. It sounds a little like she's using him against you, to be honest, like she's trying to show you up for not doing what you say you're going to do.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Let her friend know that you handle any and all house issues plus errands. In the future, be reasonable with your W requests as far as time. Perhaps stating you will go on X day to change the coin to cash will that work for her. If not, when does she really need it done. Then get it done.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

It's really weird. Almost like she's using him as a backup husband to get chores/errands done that her real husband won't/can't do or puts off. Nothing sexual about it - just very, very weird.

You should talk to her about it, especially since it is clearly upsetting you. Ask her how she'd feel if you had a backup friend who was a woman, and got tasks done that your wife put off? Consistently.

Communicate. Don't let it fester.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

jld said:


> Besides getting things done in a more timely manner, you could have a word with her friend, too.


When you say have a word, you do mean the "STAY the hell away from the house and the wife" Right?

Dude, he is a threat. He needs to go! Time to Man up!

Sounds like there are some lax boundaries and communication issues with your wife. Her friendship has crossed the line and if your not careful, this is going to turn into an EA if it is not already there. 

You need to start doing your stuff that you say your going to do in a more timely manner, but you also need to address your wife that you are her husband and this so called friend does not come around the house and does not do chores or favors for her anymore.

The friendship ends because all he is doing is trying to replace you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> It's really weird. Almost like she's using him as a backup husband to get chores/errands done that her real husband won't/can't do or puts off...
> 
> ...*Ask her how she'd feel if you had a backup friend who was a woman, and got tasks done that your wife put off?* Consistently.


:iagree:

Good point. I don't think she would like it at all.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> The friendship ends because all he is doing is trying to replace you.


I concur. Although he may have the same chance as a snowball in hell....one never knows.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> It's really weird. Almost like she's using him as a backup husband to get chores/errands done that her real husband won't/can't do or puts off. Nothing sexual about it - just very, very weird.
> 
> You should talk to her about it, especially since it is clearly upsetting you. Ask her how she'd feel if you had a backup friend who was a woman, and got tasks done that your wife put off? Consistently.
> 
> Communicate. Don't let it fester.



She has a beck and call button for "Rick". She enjoys that function certainly.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yes, it seems as if the other guy is at the wifes beck and call, and she is leveraging that which is not really good but dude...get your own sh1t together too. How many times has she asked you to do things, and you agree, then procrastinate...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Her choice in how to deal with your procrastination is very destructive. This is a VERY serious boundary AND emasculation issue in your marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

all kinds of crazy things in this post.

so she has a former lover to boss around and run chores for her.
she runs short on her pay and that's ok
when you won't do something that she is capable of doing she defers to this former lover

she sounds like a crazy physico me me me and you guys just run around doing what ever she wants or needs.


time for the fat guy to get an ass kicking. hes not welcome 

time for some boundries with your wife but unfortunately I think the damage is done.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> when you won't do something that she is capable of doing she defers to this former lover


That's a great point. I haven't heard anything mentioned yet that's not something the wife could take care of herself.

But why should she, when she has not one but two servants to fetch and carry.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> *Her choice in how to deal with your procrastination is very destructive*. This is a VERY serious boundary AND emasculation issue in your marriage.


Absolutely it's destructive, and I have a feeling it's going to come to a head. I just think it's important for him to get his sh1t straightened out, the part of this scenario he has absolute control over, before he starts straightening her sh1t out...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> all kinds of crazy things in this post.
> 
> so she has a former lover to boss around and run chores for her.
> she runs short on her pay and that's ok
> ...





GTdad said:


> That's a great point. I haven't heard anything mentioned yet that's not something the wife could take care of herself.
> 
> But why should she, when she has not one but two servants to fetch and carry.


I agree with these points, I just don't want him to think this is all on her. He needs to tell her that she needs to take care of some of these things rather than tell her that he will do it...and then not do it.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Beat Rick to the punch every time. If you ask if she wants to go with you and she's busy, do it yourself. But do it! Don't let him have one opportunity to outdo you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Since she is so busy that she can't do basic things for herself, or accompany you when you do them, perhaps she could use some time management counselling?


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## HOW2BHAPPY (Aug 15, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Ask her how she'd feel if you had a backup friend who was a woman, and got tasks done that your wife put off? Consistently.


Did I mention that my wife has been off work and at home for two years with a (now healed) shoulder injury? She returned to work last week.

Naturally because of the injury she has been limited and I understand. Literally in the last two years she has cooked us meals less than once per month ...and has done the general house cleaning even less. But this is no problem...if she cannot or does not want to do..then I do it. It's that simple. I do 99% of the cooking and the lions share of the physical housework.

Actually I did ask her this a couple times how she would feel if I had a "beck and call" woman to fill in for her for all the things I wish she would/could....but she refused to respond.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I actually think she is being most unfair to Rick. She may have no interest in him, but he may still be attracted to her - and she is using that attraction to get him to do her favors. What is she doing for him?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

HOW2BHAPPY said:


> ...but she refused to respond.


But of course....


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Absolutely it's destructive, and I have a feeling it's going to come to a head. I just think it's important for him to get his sh1t straightened out, the part of this scenario he has absolute control over, before he starts straightening her sh1t out...


Yep and one of the ways he can get his **** straightened out is to place a hard fast boundary that is LONGGGGG over due.


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## HOW2BHAPPY (Aug 15, 2014)

SurpriseMyself said:


> Beat Rick to the punch every time. If you ask if she wants to go with you and she's busy, do it yourself. But do it! Don't let him have one opportunity to outdo you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate to sound like a whiner, but i usually do my best to "beat Rick to the punch" and get er done. Yep..I want to be the hero in the story...but why should I have to feel that I need to compete with him in anything? Unfortunately the last couple months I have been less than a star because I got sick and was hospitalized (I am still being treated and will soon require surgery)....and also for the last couple months have been spending a couple hours each day after work at the hospital taking care of my palliative grandmother.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yep and one of the ways he can get his **** straightened out is to place a hard fast boundary that is LONGGGGG over due.


I have a feeling there is going to be some resistance to the idea of Rick being out of the picture. He's in for a fight I suspect. He needs to stop giving her rationalizations for her behavior, because I can almost guarantee one of the first things out of her mouth will be "If you'd ever do what you say you're going to do..."


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I have a feeling there is going to be some resistance to the idea of Rick being out of the picture. He's in for a fight I suspect. He needs to stop giving her rationalizations for her behavior, because I can almost guarantee one of the first things out of her mouth will be "If you'd ever do what you say you're going to do..."


Yep, it will on both points for sure.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

HOW2BHAPPY said:


> I hate to sound like a whiner, but i usually do my best to "beat Rick to the punch" and get er done. Yep..I want to be the hero in the story...but why should I have to feel that I need to compete with him in anything? Unfortunately the last couple months I have been less than a star because I got sick and was hospitalized (I am still being treated and will soon require surgery)....and also for the last couple months have been spending a couple hours each day after work at the hospital taking care of my palliative grandmother.


Oh yea, no Baby... you better nip this in the bud. They are BOTH disrespecting your marriage and its time to put your foot down.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

HOW2BHAPPY said:


> Did I mention that my wife has been off work and at home for two years with a (now healed) shoulder injury? She returned to work last week.
> 
> Naturally because of the injury she has been limited and I understand. Literally in the last two years she has cooked us meals less than once per month ...and has done the general house cleaning even less. But this is no problem...if she cannot or does not want to do..then I do it. It's that simple. I do 99% of the cooking and the lions share of the physical housework.
> 
> Actually I did ask her this a couple times how she would feel if I had a "beck and call" woman to fill in for her for all the things I wish she would/could....but she refused to respond.


Dude, she'd be downright furious if you had a back-up wife to cook or clean whenever you asked. Especially if it was a woman who used to be in love with you!


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## lmtosf (Jul 28, 2014)

So like Richard asked, what does she do for Rick? I don't get it.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lmtosf said:


> So like Richard asked, what does she do for Rick? I don't get it.


Allows him to be an orbiter.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

HOW2BHAPPY said:


> I hate to sound like a whiner, but i usually do my best to "beat Rick to the punch" and get er done. Yep..I want to be the hero in the story...but why should I have to feel that I need to compete with him in anything? Unfortunately the last couple months I have been less than a star because I got sick and was hospitalized (I am still being treated and will soon require surgery)....and also for the last couple months have been spending a couple hours each day after work at the hospital taking care of my palliative grandmother.


Now this starts to make sense. your calendar is getting over filled and things are slipping into the procrastination zone. I was thinking this was a long term gripe she had. She certainly has slipped into the do it for me habit and when you combine your problem with her habit, we get this mess. 
MN


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She's doing something for Rick, count on it. Since she thinks she's entitled to a 2nd husband, tell her you're going to start interviewing back-up wives.

And, tell Rick he is no longer welcome on your property.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I don't know...if you are going to have surgery, who is going to do all the wife's bidding? I think you need to be extra nice to Rick, cuz you're going to need him. You also need to line up a back-up wife, because SOMEONE has to cook and clean and convert change while you are recuperating!


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

She needs to learn to do things herself and stop getting mad at you when she KNOWS you procrastinate. She is using him against you. You need to tell her to stop. Then, you need to tell him to back off. 

Honestly, if you say you're going to do something - go do it. Don't sit on it because that's so incredibly annoying. I can't tell you how many times I've been irritated with my H for doing the exact same thing. 

However, she is a big girl. She needs to do things for herself. I don't ask H to do things for me that I can do myself. I do it better/faster than him anyway. She should get on the ball with taking responsibility.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

He asked her three times to go with him. She didn't

Plus, the one that needs to man up is Rick. He's an obvious beta nice boy that thinks by being at her beck and call he's going to get some snarf.

He needs to realize he's being used.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> He asked her three times to go with him. She didn't
> 
> Plus, the one that needs to man up is Rick. He's an obvious beta nice boy that thinks by being at her beck and call he's going to get some snarf.
> 
> He needs to realize he's being used.


BS, he just trying to get into her pants.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ok your sick,taking can of a dying grandparent and going to have surgery. 

how is your wife helping you with all this?

if shes not helping and supporting you in a loving manner in your time of need then my advice is to get better and the kick her to the curb. let fat a$$ rick have her and move on!


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## HOW2BHAPPY (Aug 15, 2014)

lmtosf said:


> So like Richard asked, what does she do for Rick? I don't get it.


Hi is single, obese and lonely and has been for 20+ years since they met. She is beautiful, dynamic and sexy. 

she told me that several years before we were married he broke down in tears and confessed that he loved her and that he wished she was with him. 

What does she do for him? Like GTdad said.... "allows him to be an orbiter"


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## HOW2BHAPPY (Aug 15, 2014)

SunnyT said:


> I don't know...if you are going to have surgery, who is going to do all the wife's bidding? I think you need to be extra nice to Rick, cuz you're going to need him. You also need to line up a back-up wife, because SOMEONE has to cook and clean and convert change while you are recuperating!


I actually laughed out loud. Thanks thanks thanks for that!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

HOW2BHAPPY said:


> Hi is single, obese and lonely and has been for 20+ years since they met. She is beautiful, dynamic and sexy.
> 
> she told me that several years before we were married he broke down in tears and confessed that he loved her and that he wished she was with him.
> 
> What does she do for him? Like GTdad said.... "allows him to be an orbiter"


Well,

I guess if you want to look pathetic in front of a woman...do what he did.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

bigbearsfan said:


> BS, he just trying to get into her pants.


That's what I said.

Snarf


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

When you say you blew up, what does that mean? Yell, throw things,hit things? How is your relationship with this guy? Do you really KNOW him beyond the superficial level, and do you all hang out together. This reminds me of a daughter relying on daddy to do manly things when her hubby can't, except in your case, these are things she can do herself. I think you let this go on for too long. You should have put a stop to it a long time ago!


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Not ALL guys like sex,, or their intimacy issues are such that they'll settle for a love at arms length. She MAY be giving Rick HOPE of future 'hot action', or she's already fulfilling his remote desires.

Until the OP recently got pissed,, what he describes is a triangle that largely suits all parties,,, hence why there's been little significant change for a long time.

OP hasn't (till now) perceived Rick as any kind of threat. Rick does the stuff OP can't be arsed with, saving him doing it and sparing him a 'nagging' from the wife. 

Wife has no sexual interest in Rick so OP isn't bothered,, wife is under no pressure from hubby or, apparently, from Rick so she's happy.

Nobody really knows what Rick wants but he seems happy enough where he's at. No evil eye from hubby.

Nobody has pushed for change. No blatant manipulation.

The longevity sans change suggests the entire thing is, actually, easily explained.

EVERYONE, has been getting their needs met by BOTH other parties,, to such a degree that any needs not being met haven't been worth protesting about.

Unusual,, but a content little triangle.

If OP effects change,, it may not result in change he likes.

Rick will be out of the picture so OP will have to take on all his chores. He'll likely default to complacency and wife will 'nag', cajole,, maybe even get mad and leave.

Sometimes, strange works. Fixing this might actually break it permanantly.

3 content people to 3 miserable people if just one upsets the applecart.

If you're gonna demand change, OP,, I hope you'll post updates. They could be fascinating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Good point. I'd get Rick to start cutting the grass and washing the cars too.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife seems like a user and manipulator.


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