# Self esteem



## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Hello again 

People have all been incredibly supportive here since I posted previously about my husband moving out last summer. 

I’m doing OK but what I’m struggling with is my self esteem and the things he said to me. I understand some of which was his guilt being projected at me but it hurts to know that he was never happy in the 20 years we were together. He told me I was fat, had let myself go and become boring. I’ve also remembered things he said to me during our marriage which were hurtful, for instance that I had slept with too many men before we met and I should get tested for diseases, he even asked me once if our baby was his. He told the nurse when the baby arrived that I was with the baby all the time and he that had no chance to bond with the baby. All of these things I had no response to as they shocked me at the time and still do. 

I’m finding this very hard, I was raised by encouraging parents who always built me up rather than put me down. My husband comes from a family who do the opposite and seem to enjoy putting others down so I guess maybe to him it’s just what you do, 

I’ve had counselling which has helped. 

Any advise appreciated.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't know the whole story, but from what is here, I don't see any reason for you to pay attention to the things he has said to you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Find a group of people who like you and who are interested in your emotional welfare. A good place to start is a local church. Learn what God says about you. God is the Authority on who you are, what He made you to do, what He wants for you in your life. You will find that what God has to say about you, and what your husband may say, will not be at all the same.

The other members of the church or group become "God with skin on" - that is, if they are interested to do His will and please Him in their own lives. Edification (building up) is one of the foremost goals of the church.... especially to those who have been torn down by selfish people. You will find a plethora of people who have similar experience, and have grown to overcome.

I wholeheartedly agree with @uhtred.... it won't be easy, but please train yourself to ignore small people like your husband, and attach to those who are large people, those who have encouragement and wisdom to offer you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello again
> 
> People have all been incredibly supportive here since I posted previously about my husband moving out last summer.
> 
> I’m doing OK but what I’m struggling with is my self esteem and the things he said to me. I understand some of which was his guilt being projected at me but it hurts to know that he was never happy in the 20 years we were together.


Or maybe this is revisionism to make you feel bad.


> I’m finding this very hard, I was raised by encouraging parents who always built me up rather than put me down. My husband comes from a family who do the opposite and seem to enjoy putting others down so I guess maybe to him it’s just what you do,


So pay attention to people like your parents and avoid people like your husband. When you do encounter people like him, call them on it. "That is hurtful". "Why would you say that to someone?" 


> I’ve had counselling which has helped.


Good, keep doing it.


> Any advise appreciated.


You're doing the right things. It's not clear from this if you really have low self esteem or if you're just hurt by him. Your counselor can help sort that out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I’m doing OK but what I’m struggling with is my self esteem and the things he said to me. I understand some of which was his guilt being projected at me but it hurts to know that he was never happy in the 20 years we were together. I HIGHLY doubt that. Sounds like he is re-writing the marital history so that HE doesn't look like the bad guy.He told me I was fat, had let myself go and become boring. I’ve also remembered things he said to me during our marriage which were hurtful, for instance that I had slept with too many men before we met and I should get tested for diseases, he even asked me once if our baby was his. SO, the comments are just that -- designed to HURT you and hit your self-esteem. Don't let him do that to you. 
The is TOO abusive and you need to understand that HIM saying it doesn't mean it is real AT ALL. He told the nurse when the baby arrived that I was with the baby all the time and he that had no chance to bond with the baby. All of these things I had no response to as they shocked me at the time and still do." The comments about the baby are ridiculous -- he sounds like an 8 year old complaining that his friend won't share his toys. I'm SURE there were plenty of times he could have taken care of the baby to give you a break. Just sounds again like he is immature and trying to make YOU look like the bad guy. Again, don't believe his BS.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Your husband sounds like the sort of guy whose opinion is not worthy of any real estate in your brain. Put the crap he says right out of your mind because nobody of any actual worth would say stuff like to anyone never mind their spouse. 

Continue to see the counselor until he/she convinces you that you are worth so much more than what your husband would have you believe.

*hugs*


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you all so much. I know you are all right and I shouldn’t let it get to me. I have lovely friends and family who love me. I’ve never in my life been told by anyone that I’m unloveable. I’m wondering if finally I’m reaching a different stage. Up to this point I was sad and in shock but the further away from his leaving me I get, the more I’m starting to see that perhaps he never truly loved me. 

The backstory is that my husband completely blindsided me by leaving our home and marriage last summer. I didn’t see it coming, no build up to it or talk of saving the relationship. He turned down the suggested of counselling. In the middle of a conversation he said he wasn’t happy and was leaving. We have 2 teen agers. He had struck up a friendship with a female, but denied affair. I eventually followed advise to detach and focus on myself which is what I’ve done and continue to do. He has been very supportive financially and with regards to the children and our house. 

Thank you all so very much for your kindness. x


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

He's playing mind games with you. It takes two to play. Don't play. Figure out what it will take to make you happy and do it. When people say hurtful things, they really sting if there's any truth to them. If there is, work on fixing those things -- for you, not for him. If they're lies, make sure you understand and know they're lies. Put them out of your mind. There is life after *******s. Find yours.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you. I must learn to disregard the hurtful remarks. I have a loving family, friends and my health to be thankful for. I must stop with the self pity and rise up.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you all so much. I know you are all right and I shouldn’t let it get to me. I have lovely friends and family who love me. I’ve never in my life been told by anyone that I’m unloveable. I’m wondering if finally I’m reaching a different stage. Up to this point I was sad and in shock but the further away from his leaving me I get, the more I’m starting to see that perhaps he never truly loved me.
> 
> The backstory is that my husband completely blindsided me by leaving our home and marriage last summer. I didn’t see it coming, no build up to it or talk of saving the relationship. He turned down the suggested of counselling. In the middle of a conversation he said he wasn’t happy and was leaving. We have 2 teen agers. He had struck up a friendship with a female, but denied affair. I eventually followed advise to detach and focus on myself which is what I’ve done and continue to do. He has been very supportive financially and with regards to the children and our house.
> 
> Thank you all so very much for your kindness. x


What you don't say here is the you realize that he was having an affair and he left you to be with her. 

You do realize that, don't you? 

So if you realize that, then you also must realize the all the things he said to you was about him convincing himself the he was not a POS lying cheater. 

By saying all of those things to you, he could convince himself that you were unlovable and you in fact deserved to be cheated on, and in fact he was a great guy for "Living his life and moving on". 

The reality is you are none of those things. I am sure you are not perfect but you did not deserve to be lied to cheated on and abandoned. 

If he was actually as wonderful as he thinks he is, then at the very least he could have sat you down and said, "I am done with the marriage". But he did not do that. 

He is a coward... 

If you have issues that you need to fix, ok fix them. But putting your self-worth on this mans opinion is kind of foolish...


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

I agree and suspect that he was having an affair but have no hard evidence and friends and family who know him (including my side of the family) consistently say that this is possibly just a friendship. But then why leave? It’s quite frustrating. 

Do you think they just don’t want to tell me they think I’m right to suspect an affair in case they’re wrong about it? It makes me feel I’m crazy. I did initially ask him but he denied it and when he did, I believed him. He knew I was uncomfortable with this particular friendship but I know he continues to spend time with this woman.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Delilah1971 said:


> I agree and suspect that he was having an affair but have no hard evidence and friends and family who know him (including my side of the family) consistently say that this is possibly just a friendship. But then why leave? It’s quite frustrating.
> 
> Do you think they just don’t want to tell me they think I’m right to suspect an affair in case they’re wrong about it? It makes me feel I’m crazy. I did initially ask him but he denied it and when he did, I believed him. He knew I was uncomfortable with this particular friendship but I know he continues to spend time with this woman.


Let me put it like this... he ends a marriage, and actually moves out. Is he with her or do you know? 

The chance that he was having an affair is about 99.999%. Based on the things you have written. 

Plus, him saying all of those thing are kind of an indication that he was feeling guilty. If he was not, why not just end the marriage with out all of the ugly words... 

As far as your family, and his family???? And any friends that have not said anything...

There are a lot of possibilities: 

1) Is it possible that they think you are too fragile to know the truth? 

2) Is it possible the they really don't know he was having an affair? It is possible, but his family, not very likely. Plus, his family is his family no matter how long you have been married. 

3) Everyone thinks it is not their business...

Who is to say. But for him to leave the way that he did, it almost always is an affair. I think it is safe for you to think that he is having an affair. 

It is pretty safe to assume. Plus, you were blindsided and you did not really have the time to really look into it. That is the only way that you would really have hard proof. 

But either way, just try and move on with your life and you can kind of assume the ugly comment did not really have much to do with you...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> Your husband sounds like the sort of guy whose opinion is not worthy of any real estate in your brain. Put the crap he says right out of your mind because nobody of any actual worth would say stuff like to anyone never mind their spouse.
> 
> Continue to see the counselor until he/she convinces you that you are worth so much more than what your husband would have you believe.
> 
> *hugs*


Agree NMJ, and if then next time he starts his crap just walk away, it will send him a message you will not argue nor accept a ill word that be said to you. Just get up and leave.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Thank you all. It all helps. He left last summer but I still think my brain is trying to process it all, it’s such a shock.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you all. It all helps. He left last summer but I still think my brain is trying to process it all, it’s such a shock.


Have you moved on, or are you sitting around pining about him? Men often expect disrespected women to hang around for them in case they're "needed" again. When you move on and remove that possibility, the game can change. You get some of your power back.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

I suppose it depends on the definition of moved on. My priority from the start has been our children. I’ve done quite a lot of decorating around the house and taken up a couple of new hobbies. I work full time and have very supportive colleagues. For a while, I could barely leave the house so I have definitely moved on in every way except starting a new relationship. I have no interest in that currently, I feel it’s far too soon for myself and our children. I did tell my husband initially that I didn’t want a divorce and would not be looking for a new relationship. He hasn’t asked me for a divorce - yet. I’m sad he left me but.., I can’t say that I’m unhappy at this stage. I care less and less what he is doing with his life. My children don’t think he’s happy. I don’t ask him questions, we just make small talk mostly.

Does that all sounds weird? I’m not sure if I should be doing things differently.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

It sounds like you're doing fine. Just don't allow him to think that he's calling the shots. You need to do what's best for your kids and yourself. If he perceives you as submissive, and I'm not suggesting that you are, he will take you for granted and assume you will be there if and when he changes his mind about the relationship. Obtain and maintain your independence such that if he crawls back, you're in a position to say (if you feel that way), "that ship has sailed."


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Brilliant advice, thank you. That’s made me smile. 🙂


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you all. It all helps. He left last summer but I still think my brain is trying to process it all, it’s such a shock.


Perhaps you are overvaluing what you don’t have and undervaluing what you do.
Put your well being first. Quit focusing on what he said or did, you cannot change him.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

You are so right.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Delilah1971 said:


> Does that all sounds weird?


No, I don't think it sounds weird at all. In fact, I think you are doing exactly some of the very-right things. The only thing I could possibly add to the mix of what you told us is described best in a memory I have:

I am a big fan of Steve Harvey. I'm not a fan of game shows, but I frequently watch "Family Feud" because he is the host and I get a kick out of watching his "takes".....

Mr. Harvey makes me laugh. Most of the time. But, one day, in his response to a family participant who was telling him of her plans for life, Mr. Harvey brought tears to my eyes when he said "...and if you can put God in there somewhere....".

Mr. Harvey clearly understands this small portion from God's word (Jeremiah 29:11 KJV):

_For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future._

"Self-esteem" is empty. Anything based upon "self" is empty. We are powerless to actually make things happen. Yes, there is a degree to which we can make things better and worse, but the ultimate Decider of our future is God. And, God, in His wisdom, tells us exactly what His plans for our life are.

God demonstrates what He thinks about you. You might call this "God-esteem".... the most worthwhile, the most accurate, the most relevant opinion. God's opinion outweighs the opinion of masses.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

This is true. I am a spiritual person, I enjoy church and I will find ways to add more of this in.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Glad to hear it. God and you are a majority. Doesn't matter what your XH thinks.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Delilah1971 said:


> Thank you. I must learn to disregard the hurtful remarks. I have a loving family, friends and my health to be thankful for. I must stop with the self pity and rise up.


Whenever those thoughts come into your mind, reject and counteract them by saying, "That's not true. I reject that idea." Don't let them stay rooted in your thinking. Don't give credibility to his lies. He said those things to you in order to free himself and blame shift to you.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I had an emotionally abusive husband--now ex. It's devastating, especially when accusations are false. Nothing you do is right.

Lets say you have a twin sister. Her husband called her fat, lazy, boring, promiscuous, etc. What would you tell her? 

Why do we believe someone who is deliberately trying to hurt us? The hurt is so malicious, so cutting, so cruel. We must realize that we cannot let them hurt us even more by letting them live rent-free in our head. Be strong. Hugs.


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

Sunsetmist 🤗 thank you wise words.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

Delilah1971 said:


> Hello again
> 
> People have all been incredibly supportive here since I posted previously about my husband moving out last summer.
> 
> ...


I was in the same place as you and the words tore me down sooooo much, until one day. During one text exchange, after he told me that I needed to fix myself or I wouldn’t find anyone (he was proud that he was living it up with his affair partner), he went too far and said that I wasn’t or wouldn’t be a good parent. Of all of the insults in the world, that one rolled right off of my shoulder because if I’m sure about anything in my life, I know that I am an amazing mother. That made me realize that he was just saying anything to hurt me when I was fragile because he j ones that I’m an amazing mother, too. That’s when I saw him for the clown that he is, and I hope you get to that point too (not the emotional abuse, but the clarity).


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

That’s really scraping the barrel, isn’t it? Especially when he’s said and knows you’re a great mum. Just proves the person in crisis will say anything to appease their guilt and turmoil. 

Thank you all so much you have lifted me out from a cloud. And.. I’ve added God into my life. 😄 Onwards and upwards I go,


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## Delilah1971 (Sep 18, 2019)

I have an update. I reached the point of being tired of being kept in the dark about his new life. I asked him again and he confessed to recently starting dating the female friend I’ve been suspicious of all along, I asked him to file for divorce. He said he hadn’t made up about what he wants but I told him I’m not an option, I don’t deserve to live limbo any longer. 



Thank you for all your support. x


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Delilah1971 said:


> And.. I’ve added God into my life.


Now, that's what I call "moving on". According to His precious word, that's what He calls "moving on". You see, I'm still learning..... I'm learning more and more each day how to take HIS word on things. How to "..let God be true, and every man a liar....".


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