# What can a husband do to win back his wife's love for him?



## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Whether it's due to resentment or neglect over years and years of a marriage, what can the husband do to find his way back into his wife's heart? Is it consistently heartfelt apologies, is it buying gifts, is it acts of service, or is it all of the above? I prefer to hear from wives who have been in long term marriages, please. Do you want him to figure it out on his own or does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

https://youtu.be/BI04mgVVr9w_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Well, since I am the wife in this situation pretty much, I will tell you what I would want. Show her affection, be there for her, listen to her no matter how crazy or boring the conversation may seem. Don't force it, she will know and that will kill the vibe. It has to truly be from your heart. You can get her gifts, but honestly, buying your way into her heart isn't the way to go. Flowers or something like that would be nice sometimes though. Just random, small gestures to show you care and that you are thinking about her when she least expects it. And as far as apologies, I don't like to hear "I'm sorry" all the time. Stop telling me how sorry you are and just show me by making positive changes. Volunteer to help her take on tasks. Like, I love to craft and it makes my heart happy when my H says he wants to help out with something I am working on. Also, I'd like for him to be able to figure out how to make things right on his own, but a little direction never hurts either!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are three books that talk about how to do this.

Even if there has not been an affair in your relationship, this book will help you: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

After that book, there are two more by Dr. Harley that give the details. Read them in this order after you read "Surviving a Affair".

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

That video explains what happens leading up to the point of no return but says very little about what to do to save the marriage once the wife gets to that point. I'm not in that situation, btw; just wanted to learn for my own edification.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not a woman, but I was always taught by my Mother and 3 sisters that you need to connect emotionally to have a good marriage. It's hard because you need to pay attention emotionally to connect emotionally. Not something in our nature. I would try to learn as much as you can about being emotionally intelligent. 

On a simple note, no matter what gender, a sincere humble apology and honest to goodness change goes a long way.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Well, since I am the wife in this situation pretty much, I will tell you what I would want. Show her affection, be there for her, listen to her no matter how crazy or boring the conversation may seem. Don't force it, she will know and that will kill the vibe. It has to truly be from your heart. You can get her gifts, but honestly, buying your way into her heart isn't the way to go. Flowers or something like that would be nice sometimes though. Just random, small gestures to show you care and that you are thinking about her when she least expects it. And as far as apologies, I don't like to hear "I'm sorry" all the time. Stop telling me how sorry you are and just show me by making positive changes. Volunteer to help her take on tasks. Like, I love to craft and it makes my heart happy when my H says he wants to help out with something I am working on. Also, I'd like for him to be able to figure out how to make things right on his own, but a little direction never hurts either!


Thanks for your first person perspective. I'm not married but even if I were, I wouldn't be stupid enough to let my marriage fall into such disarray. :wink2:

Emerging Buddhist's thread got me thinking, and although I'd have some ideas on what I'd do were I in his situation, I also wanted to hear from women who have been in the thick of it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> That video explains what happens leading up to the point of no return but says very little about what to do to save the marriage once the wife gets to that point. I'm not in that situation, btw; just wanted to learn for my own edification.


The guy in the video apparently teaches a course in what to do. So maybe is you look up some of his course material.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> The guy in the video apparently teaches a course in what to do. So maybe is you look up some of his course material.


Yeah, I caught that tidbit buried in 9:21 minutes of video.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just about every woman needs for her husband to connect on an emotional level. If that's not there, there really is no relationship. At least not one that's worth staying in. If a couple does not spend quality time together every week (at least 15 hours is suggested), just the two of them, the emotionally intimacy dies.

Outside of that, there are a lot of things that are unique to the situation. The book "His Needs, Her Needs" goes through this and talks about how to figure out what each of your needs are. 

For example, one of the major issues in my marriage was lack of domestic support (I think that's the term used.) The failure of my husband to take responsibility for about half of the household and child care chores. Instead he did zero. No matter how much I tried talking to him about it, he would agree that he should take responsibility for about half. But he never did. I grew to resent this to the point of no return. It's a "Love Buster". The kind of thing that when piled up with other "Love Busters" kills the love you once had for a person.

Marriage is a partnership and companionship. When one or both is missing, there is nothing left.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Yeah, I caught that tidbit buried in 9:21 minutes of video.


Signs Your Marriage is Over [FREE VIDEO]

He will give you a free, one hour call to discuss your relationship issues. At least according to his site...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Just about every woman needs for her husband to connect on an emotional level. If that's not there, there really is no relationship. At least not one that's worth staying in. If a couple does not spend quality time together every week (at least 15 hours is suggested), just the two of them, the emotionally intimacy dies.
> 
> Outside of that, there are a lot of things that are unique to the situation. The book "His Needs, Her Needs" goes through this and talks about how to figure out what each of your needs are.
> 
> ...


All of those things (chores, emotional intimacy), I already know. I'll read HNHN if and when I decide to settle down. 0


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Begin again said:


> Signs Your Marriage is Over [FREE VIDEO]
> 
> He will give you a free, one hour call to discuss your relationship issues. At least according to his site...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His site looks like one of those get rich quick sites where they present testimonies and tell you about how their secret product will benefit you, but they don't actually tell you what that secret is unless you order their product.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> All of those things (chores, emotional intimacy), I already know. I'll read HNHN if and when I decide to settle down. 0


So what don't you know?


What do you think that chores are important?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> So what don't you know?
> 
> 
> What do you think that chores are important?


What to do to soften her hardened heart AFTER years of neglect. Like I said, I know what I would do but I wanted to hear a wife's perspective on it, especially wives who've felt such resentment and bitterness.

"...does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?"

I am unclear on your question about chores. Yes, the husband should carry his own weight when it comes to chores.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> His site looks like one of those get rich quick sites where they present testimonies and tell you about how their secret product will benefit you, but they don't actually tell you what that secret is unless you order their product.


Well... you sound a lot like my soon to be ex. I tried to get him to consider what I was saying, to read things, etc., and he resisted. You can look into it or not, but I do hope you are more receptive with your girl than you are being here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

becareful2 said:


> What to do to soften her hardened heart AFTER years of neglect. Like I said, I know what I would do but I wanted to hear a wife's perspective on it, especially wives who've felt such resentment and bitterness.


The main thing that he can do is to start doing what he should have been doing all along. And by that I mean actually have an epiphany, a significant change in his way of thinking so that the changes are permanent and honest, not just playacting for a short while to trick her into staying.

A real, heart felt apology would help too. 

It would take some time to believe that his changes are real and to trust that it's not just a game.



becareful2 said:


> "...does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?"


No, it's not about magic. Most of the time, when someone (male or female) is unhappy in the marriage they told their spouse a gazillion times what the problems are. These are often ignored, seen as nagging, etc. So he knows, usually.

Plus, he could use the LB and HN/HN books to talk to her and find out more details.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Begin again said:


> Well... you sound a lot like my soon to be ex. I tried to get him to consider what I was saying, to read things, etc., and he resisted. You can look into it or not, but I do hope you are more receptive with your girl than you are being here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I assure you, whatever qualities your STBX possesses, I'm nothing like him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't let my marriage head for divorce. 

Concerning this relationship expert, I see mostly a guy trying to sell his products to make a living. There are different sources to find what I'm looking for, but as I indicated in my op, I prefer to hear directly from the wives here on TAM.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> I assure you, whatever qualities your STBX possesses, I'm nothing like him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't let my marriage head for divorce.
> 
> Concerning this relationship expert, I see mostly a guy trying to sell his products to make a living. There are different sources to find what I'm looking for, but as I indicated in my op, I prefer to hear directly from the wives here on TAM.


Ok, well then I'll tell you what my husband could have done.

1. Be positive. It's no fun to be with a man who sees problems, is negative, complains, etc. 

2. Be confident. If you don't like who you are, you must work on yourself. Insecure people live limited lives, often blame others, get defensive, and generally are hard to communicate with because their brain is often on the fight or flight due to their insecurity.

3. Believe me when I tell you what is going on with me. When I am totally honest with you and instead of believing me, you reinterpret my words and twist them, you kill us and make me pull away.

4. Plan a future with me. I'm tired of living day to day with nothing to look forward to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Begin again said:


> Ok, well then I'll tell you what my husband could have done.
> 
> 1. Be positive. It's no fun to be with a man who sees problems, is negative, complains, etc.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry your STBX is that way. When a wife tells her husband that there are problems in the marriage, the husband should embrace that opportunity to address those problems, quickly; not let it fester into resentment, bitterness and hopelessness. Spouses can be such bad communicators that one spouse doesn't even know their SO was unhappy until they discover the affair. In EI's case, she did everything she could think of to get her husband to work on their marriage. She even told him that should the opportunity present itself whereby she can get that affection from another person, that she would take it. His response? More apathy. He said they should just accept their lot in life. Only after he discovered her affair did he snapped out of his apathy and offer her the emotional and physical intimacy that he should have offered to her all along. They're doing a lot better now but I'm sure both live with regrets, and they certainly didn't need to go through all that pain to get to this point.

That said, is there anything he can do NOW to soften your heart to convince you to give him another chance? He's probably not trying, otherwise you wouldn't have referred to him as STBX, but if he was trying, is it too late?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

becareful2 said:


> Whether it's due to resentment or neglect over years and years of a marriage, what can the husband do to find his way back into his wife's heart? Is it consistently heartfelt apologies, is it buying gifts, is it acts of service, or is it all of the above? I prefer to hear from wives who have been in long term marriages, please. Do you want him to figure it out on his own or does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?


Absolutely you should figure it out on your own. If she has to tell you what to do when you should be able to figure it out on your own, she's not going to see you as a husband, she's going to see you as a petulant teenager.

Don't just apologize over and over. Those are just words. A truly heartfelt apology comes with change, and consistent actions that show you are sincere about never again doing whatever it was that you apologized for.

Figure out what her love language is, and start speaking it. All the gifts in the world won't help if she doesn't care about that sort of thing, and will make it worse if money is tight and she perceives you are wasting it on frivolities.

Take care of yourself, be positive, pull your own weight around the house, be responsible with your health and money.

It may take years of improved behaviour to overcome years of built-up resentment and neglect. You've got to prove to her that you aren't just putting on a show, but have genuinely understood what went wrong and have made a reliable and permanent change in your behaviour. And, honestly, she may never be receptive. She may have reached a point of no return where she can't take you seriously now because where was this reaction back when it really mattered?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> I'm sorry your STBX is that way. When a wife tells her husband that there are problems in the marriage, the husband should embrace that opportunity to address those problems, quickly; not let it fester into resentment, bitterness and hopelessness. Spouses can be such bad communicators that one spouse doesn't even know their SO was unhappy until they discover the affair. In EI's case, she did everything she could think of to get her husband to work on their marriage. She even told him that should the opportunity present itself whereby she can get that affection from another person, that she would take it. His response? More apathy. He said they should just accept their lot in life. Only after he discovered her affair did he snapped out of his apathy and offer her the emotional and physical intimacy that he should have offered to her all along. They're doing a lot better now but I'm sure both live with regrets, and they certainly didn't need to go through all that pain to get to this point.
> 
> That said, is there anything he can do NOW to soften your heart to convince you to give him another chance? He's probably not trying, otherwise you wouldn't have referred to him as STBX, but if he was trying, is it too late?


No, there's not. It is too late for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

becareful2 said:


> Whether it's due to resentment or neglect over years and years of a marriage, what can the husband do to find his way back into his wife's heart? Is it consistently heartfelt apologies, is it buying gifts, is it acts of service, or is it all of the above? I prefer to hear from wives who have been in long term marriages, please. Do you want him to figure it out on his own or does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?


From what I've seen over the years and have experienced myself a couple of times, it's NONE of the above.

It seems once a woman is done, she's *done*.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

becareful2 said:


> Whether it's due to resentment or neglect over years and years of a marriage, what can the husband do to find his way back into his wife's heart? Is it consistently heartfelt apologies, is it buying gifts, is it acts of service, or is it all of the above? I prefer to hear from wives who have been in long term marriages, please. Do you want him to figure it out on his own or does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?


Acknowledging her feelings without defending himself is a good start. 

This is a helpful resource: Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> From what I've seen over the years and have experienced myself a couple of times, it's NONE of the above.
> 
> It seems once a woman is done, she's *done*.


I think if a woman figures out that the man's character is hopeless (for her, not necessarily for another woman), then this may be true. 

But if he sees the error of his ways and is determined (shown by taking action) to improve, there is still hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> For example, one of the major issues in my marriage was lack of domestic support (I think that's the term used.) The failure of my husband to take responsibility for about half of the household and child care chores. Instead he did zero. No matter how much I tried talking to him about it, he would agree that he should take responsibility for about half. But he never did. I grew to resent this to the point of no return. It's a "Love Buster". The kind of thing that when piled up with other "Love Busters" kills the love you once had for a person.


I don't suppose you found a way to help him realize his duty, and take up more on his own accord?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Generally women have a high tolerance level for the bullxxxx of their loved ones including spouses. 
It takes many many years for a woman to get to the point she wants to leave or divorce. This is due to years and years of unresolved hurts (some may be unintentional) leading to resentment and bitterness.
If it took years to harden the wife's heart then it might take years to soften it. Women will also see right through insincere efforts to placate her, it will take hard work and diligence to find out what her needs are and how to meet them. It will take a man who is willing to open his heart, be vulnerable and willing to put himself last in the queue, (many men fail at this juncture). Men often start off well but due to selfishness and laziness fall by the wayside. If a man gets an opportunity to open his wife's heart again, he should not waste it.

To give a definitive list of what the man should do is impossible as each woman and marriage is unique. I think a good place to start is to listen. The woman would have probably told the guy over and over what she needs but he is not listening. If he can listen when she is about to walk out the door, why could he not have listened earlier, to me this smacks of selfishness.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have never felt resentment towards my husband.. he has felt some towards ME , however... I was the more selfish partner.. not attuned to a man's physical needs as much as I should have been... our only area of struggle has been sexual...he didn't talk to me about it, didn't want to burden me, it was never anything near sexless as I loved sex too.. he just wanted "more of that".... and yes.. he wanted me to figure it out on my own... come to learn all this WHEN my drive flipped a switch & I couldn't get enough... as I opened up the sex dialog & our past, how in the world he contained himself... 

I always communicated what I wanted.. He was always a good listener.. showed the greatest of care... we are a couple where our love languages were naturally in the same order.. if you are not married yet @becareful2 ...like your user name... be very careful with this ....make sure you & she can happily accommodate each others deepest longings .....holding that emotional connection... not allowing a seed of resentment to spring.. 

I honestly do not think I could stand a man who didn't have Time & Touch near his top .... He'd get on my nerves, I'd probably see him as not affectionate enough, he'd see me as too clingy or something which would make me want to leave him.. I am just thinking out loud.. 

Honest heartfelt communication...always... don't fear a little conflict... Conflict styles explained  HERE ... every couple will go through things, a little push & pull... but its imperative to find your "Peace" with each other...for happiness. This is my thread on communication.. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html

I like this saying.. very true...










The whole talk about women being "DONE"...I've seen it...happened to one of our sons...he wasn't giving his Girlfriend enough time & attention, after something I witnessed, his lack of support to her... I felt how she must have been feeling...she was in a Junior Miss Pageant ...I went to him in tears the next day, WARNING HIM what was down the road- if he didn't get his act together...(this sounds so dramatic I know).. that he was going to lose her. .. she was more on the passive side, a "stuffer" ... they will put up with so much... but their love will grow slowly sour... they will eventually be "DONE".. and she was!

He lost his 1st love over stupidity and a lack of showing her how much she meant to him....then his heart ripped in two.. but it was too late...that song "When I was your Man" pretty much speaks it all.. very hard lesson to learn..


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Thanks for your thoughtful post, @SimplyAmorous. Communication is an art form, and I constantly strive to better at it. I've picked up a few things from talking and listening to various people online and off. One of which is to never go to bed being angry at your partner, which is the same as "don't let the sun go down on your anger" that you advocated in the "conflict" thread. That's easier said than done, however. Following that trail of thought, I would want an emotionally mature woman who is wise, patient, and compassionate; someone who truly lives the biblical definition of love. There is a "deal breakers" thread here on TAM and reading through other members' lists of deal breakers, it seems to me that no matter how long or short our lists are, no matter how many boxes our potential suitor check off, there is always room for error; something we've missed or didn't think of that could potentially create conflict and jeopardize the marriage. That's where honest, heartfelt communication come into play (see what I did there?). Now, how did a discussion about a hardened wife's heart segues into what sounds like pre-marital advice?  Yes, yes, engaged couples should seek pre-marital counseling.

I'm sorry for what happened with your son's exgf. That was a painful lesson to learn. I hope he's doing much better now. 

I agree with the Marriage Box. That caption describes marriage, succinctly.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

becareful2 said:


> All of those things (chores, emotional intimacy), I already know. *I'll read HNHN if and when I decide to settle down.* 0


Personally...I highly recommend His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage - even if just dating.. it just applies to relationships at their core ...

I have a # of Marriage/ relationship books on my shelf... in my personal opinion... this author, Dr Harley.. let me just say.. you mentioned you are a Christian man.. you will very much appreciate his writings.. if I had 1 book to recommend to any couple.. it would be this one.. it goes on to explain the void each one of us feels & what it can lead to, when these "needs" are neglected, trampled.....

Now there are some who have little care for Dr. Harley, feels his books are outdated & barely anything in them would relate to what they want in a relationship, I've seen such posts...I would not understand these people...like at all.. 

For me personally.. the man speaks my language, my heart.. he seems very down to earth, certainly understands HOW and WHY people fall into temptation, which leads to infidelity, when our needs are neglected at home... 

He also believes in "Radical Honesty" .... a term I never heard until a member here gave a link for it... that's always been my way...I feel very strongly about it and wanted this in a partner also... 

His feelings on spending at least 15 hours Undivided Attention a week with each other.. He also has a Love Buster book.. never read this one...he's very BIG on keeping the Romance alive in our marriages... 

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love  

In "His Needs, Her Needs"... these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in the book....one for each chapter.. this is just a sample of the importance... these could be all switched around for any of us.. All of these important but some may be MORE important over others to us individually....



We affect the happiness of each other... by how we love, how we treat each other.. these things matter greatly..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Idun said:


> I don't suppose you found a way to help him realize his duty, and take up more on his own accord?


What? Are you implying that somehow I'm at fault for not "helping him realize his duty"?


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What? Are you implying that somehow I'm at fault for not "helping him realize his duty"?


 Not at all! I'm just wondering whether you had any luck with the issue you brought up.

It is their fault, the men - when they neglect to step up. It suck a common problem! They'll do these domestic things when they're on their own, but when a woman moves in with them it's suddenly 'her job', and they put their feet up. I personally think it gets socially programmed from a young age, and is tied in with perceptions of masculinity and gender roles. I was just wondering how you went, tackling it!


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

becareful2 said:


> Whether it's due to resentment or neglect over years and years of a marriage, what can the husband do to find his way back into his wife's heart? Is it consistently heartfelt apologies, is it buying gifts, is it acts of service, or is it all of the above? I prefer to hear from wives who have been in long term marriages, please. Do you want him to figure it out on his own or does it lose some of it's magic if he has to ask you for the answer?


I am not a woman nor a wife,but I have read thru this thread. I do not think there is a "magic bullet" that will allow you to "find your way back into her heart". The fact is that marriages, like people change. Sometimes they change for the better and sometimes not. You cannot control how anyone else reacts or responds to that change. The best you can be is be yourself. If it doesn't work, you learn a lesson and change for your own good. You cannot be somebody you are not, despite whatever a book says. Be yourself. 

Also you seem a little naive about marriage. You say you would never let your marriage become so bad. But the thing is, when you are living in it, you don't often see the day to day subtle little changes that take place . One day you wake up and realize it isn't what it you imagined it to be. I seriously doubt that anybody just allows their marriage to disintegrate. You may be come aware of it and try to change but the bottom line is you still cannot control what some one else thinks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have had no success at this, so......

I think a man in this situation should:
*Change his lifestyle to start doing what HE thinks he should be doing--- if he knows he's not helping out enough, do so, but only at a level he thinks is fair is his own mind. Do NOT start doing it all.
*Start working out, exercising, changing his cologne, appearance.
*Cultivate friendships with other women, if only for confidence purposes, but under no circumstances do anything inappropriate with another woman, like starting to text her or call her. Just learn to start approaching them again and putting feelers out to get some positive interactions.
*Ask the wife out on a date about once or twice every couple of weeks.
*DO NOT shower her with affection, or let her know you are trying to change in any way, do not bring attention in any way to any of the things you're doing, and when she asks questions--- DON'T tell her crap.

She either has enough love left to notice and appreciate a change in you, or she is headed out the door and it's just a matter of time.
Usually, I believe once they've made up their mind, there is no freaking way one can get their mind to change back. But one thing I am absolutely certain of--- if you try to push them, show them you've changed, act needy for affection, or give them any idea you're doing something to "WIN THEM BACK", you are automatically screwed. The last thing you want them to know is that you care if they leave, or that you are trying to win them back. I know that sounds crazy, but a woman wanting to leave doesn't want anyone trying to stop them. And they sure don't want you to give them any affection. That's why you'd better darn well be really subtle in asking for the "date" or doing things around the house. Just try to do something and have a good time with them, but don't make it even seem like anything romantic or they absolutely will reject you and the whole idea. Don't let them know you're making any effort. Change slowly. And if you don't have that much time, forget it---- they're gone anyway.
JMO.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It may take years of improved behaviour to overcome years of built-up resentment and neglect. You've got to prove to her that you aren't just putting on a show, but have genuinely understood what went wrong and have made a reliable and permanent change in your behaviour. And, honestly, she may never be receptive. She may have reached a point of no return where she can't take you seriously now because where was this reaction back when it really mattered?


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