# Husband wants fantasy to be reality



## aHeartbreaker (Nov 27, 2011)

My husband has a fantasy that I give another man a b/j or hand job... I don't mind talking about it, I actually like the fantasy. Now he wants to do it for real, wants me to "pick someone out". I just can't do it, I actually stopped talking about fantasies during sex because I am afraid he will want to do anything I say. 
We constantly fight and argue and are together/not... I don't see how this would help. He won't stop asking me about it. What do I do?


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## aHeartbreaker (Nov 27, 2011)

My fantasy is bondage and I can't get him to try it, he's not into it like I think I could be, but he wants me to do this?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Maybe video-taping you giving your hubby a bj or hj would satisfy your husband's desire to see you perform?? Or is it an important fact that it's with someone else? Just a thought...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Sometimes sex involves give and take. If you are truly disgusted with doing this and/or it goes against your principles, or you think it will threaten your marriage, then certainly don't do it. Otherwise, consider giving it a try with the understanding that he also be more accommodating with things you'd like to try (i.e. bondage).


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Maybe video-taping you giving your hubby a bj or hj would satisfy your husband's desire to see you perform?? Or is it an important fact that it's with someone else? Just a thought...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a wise and thoughtful suggestion for a compromise. In principle, I think that if what he asks you to do is outside of your comfort boundaries, you shouldn't do it. He should respect your limits, and you his. Finding a way to compromise is a good idea.

Peace and grace....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No man who loves his wife would try to coerce her into doing a sex act that gives him pleasure and hurts her. Men can have sex without loving or caring about his partner and it sounds like that is what sex has become with you. You have somehow become an object for him to use for his pleasure. Is that what you want? 

Do you think he loves you? If so how can he try to force you to do what you don't want to do? Ask him if he thinks sex is only for him and that you don't matter. Tell him you need to know so that you can decide if that is the kind of relationship you want. 

If he keeps at it, you may have to have a temporary moratorium on sex and go to MC. Tell him that you will work on a caring loving intimate relationship with him but you will not have sex for his benefit only. You did not sign up to be a sex object for him. 

I strongly disagree with the advice to placate him with compromise. I don't know why women are advised to do this with these degrading requests. Cut off discussion and make it final. The fantasy is his problem and your boundary is you don't do it and if he continues to ask, walk away. 

As for taping he does not care about you now, why make a tape and put it in the hands of a man who does not have your best interest at heart? It is highly likely to end up on the web. 

Try your hardest to fix whatever is broken and ask yourself if he loves you enough to stay in a relationship with him.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

PFTGuy said:


> This is a wise and thoughtful suggestion for a compromise. In principle, I think that if what he asks you to do is outside of your comfort boundaries, you shouldn't do it. He should respect your limits, and you his. Finding a way to compromise is a good idea.
> 
> Peace and grace....


I agree that limits should be respected. However, hard limits are different from doing things outside of your comfort zone. I believe that couples should try things that are outside of their comfort zones. Otherwise, sex can get pretty routine. I do not, however, believe in coercing someone into doing something that they truly do not want to do. People have very different principles and comforts/discomforts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Could you get a realistic dildo and give it hand job in front of your husband.

One problem I see with his fantasy, is that it is basically using a third person as nothing more than a sex toy piece of meat, and it puts you in the position of being just a piece of meat as well performing for your husband.

So he wants to get off on two pieces of meat performing for him.

No very sexy when you break it down to it's parts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

btw. Bondage is very different in that it's involves YOU giving your trust to him. Neither of you are simply performing pieces of meat in that game, it's two people who trust each other playing together.

very different, much more respectful of the people involved.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Don't do it.

Tell him to come up with another fantasy that isn't inviting another person into the relationship.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would tell him "hell no" and that he could go give some other guy a hand job.

Fantasy is one thing. Pressuring your wife into being with another man is another.


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

Although I have to admit that on a fantasy level, it is arousing to picture my wife in a dp or threesome scenario, there is no chance I would want it in reality. I wouldn't even share that thought with my wife, she would think I had gone off of the deep end. I agree wholeheartedly with that_girl, tell him "hell no"! I suspect that he thinks that you may really want to try it because it sounds as if you acted aroused by it on a fantasy level in your discussions. I think it's destructive to a relationship to introduce another person in to the marriage bed, regardless of whether or not the husband and wife agree, but particularly in the setting where one of parties objects. Don't compromise. The videotaping idea of yourselves sounds intriging, you could shoot it close up and give a similar perspective. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

In real life its a common fantasy for a man to simply want to watch his wife with another man. Its just as common as the threesome fantasy, although considerably more beta-like.

You already say your ok wit the fantasy aspect of it, but have no real life interest. Id suggest you tell him no, and dont leave him room to say, "But honey....". Its a firm boundary you need to set.

Or maybe you should pick out a guy, bring him back to your house, undress him and get your hubby to perform the bj/hj on the other guy.


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## aHeartbreaker (Nov 27, 2011)

I have told him no, and he just keeps on and on... and the next time we're talking dirty or whatever its the only thing he wants to hear. I did like talking about it, then he pushed it into being a reality, and now I won't even talk to him about it, or I have to say, realize this is never, ever going to happen, which kills the moment, then the next time around he is asking again, saying, seriously, when are you going to do it? I am going to have to stand up and say NO and mean it and just drop it, but I tried that before and our sex life got fizzled out quick its like its the only thought that excites him. Thanks for all your input..l


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## aHeartbreaker (Nov 27, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> btw. Bondage is very different in that it's involves YOU giving your trust to him. Neither of you are simply performing pieces of meat in that game, it's two people who trust each other playing together.
> 
> very different, much more respectful of the people involved.


:smthumbup:


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## aHeartbreaker (Nov 27, 2011)

michzz said:


> It's a line in the sand you do not want to cross.
> 
> Tell him to stop asking, it's not going to happen.
> 
> ...


:iagree: thanks


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

He should respect your boundries. 

Don't let him pressure you to do this sort of thing and you should not have to explain or defend your position.


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## DG3 (Jul 13, 2011)

So say you do this with another man. The next thing you know he has sex with another woman and he says well, you did it, so can I. Then you have delved into an open marriage. It doesn't seem like that is what you want. It will never be enough. You do this and say "this is the only time", he will want more. It will mushroom into something neither of you can handle. Please be strong and stand up for yourself. I know you will make the right decision.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

I don't get this? I've read it on here a bunch of times and can't understand it at all. I want to be my wifes all and all not her "well, I got him for now he'll do." I would never want to se her with another man, hells no. She's MY wife not yours. I get her goodies, not anyone else.

I just don't understand this mentality. I would advise against doing anything you weren't comfortable with. And for this topic to hider your sexual relationship, I think is the worst part. Tell him to grow up and appreciate what he has.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Maybe video-taping you giving your hubby a bj or hj would satisfy your husband's desire to see you perform?? Or is it an important fact that it's with someone else? Just a thought...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is a great piece of advice.

I think part of helping your partner with a fantasy is to think not about directly what you're doing, but that rather you are doing something that is very arousing to your partner.

Let's say my partner loves when I kiss her elbow. Now that might not "do" anything for me. But I'm willing to do it often because it arouses my partner.

More people need to approach fantasies this way. Like even if your partner would bring up bondage, he should do it because it brings you pleasure (just like he'd kiss your elbow). 

I think a lot of Dan Savage's GGG theory (good, giving and game, 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason.').

His is trickier. And I say START with something else. Like Princess suggested, and then keep an open mind and see (though I'm not saying you should).

Even they have those big cardboard cutouts off sports figures or whatever, you could get that & a dildo. Who knows. Be creative and see if you can scratch his itch without involving a 3rd.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

You could also role play where he plays another man and you "talk" to him like your husband is watching and he talks to you like your husband is watching. 

Cuckolding is a pretty common male fantasy. So this isn't really a surprise.

By searching that term you may also find many other couples' who've addressed the cuckolding fantasy without involving a third.

Though I understand that this may not be a cuckold thing. I think a lot fantasies like this is because sometimes we just want to see our wife as a sexual creature. And if she's willing to do that, it helps confirm that sort of thing.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

TallJeff said:


> You could also role play where he plays another man and you "talk" to him like your husband is watching and he talks to you like your husband is watching.
> 
> Cuckolding is a pretty common male fantasy. So this isn't really a surprise.
> 
> ...


Ever heard of a mirror?


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

michzz said:


> It's a line in the sand you do not want to cross.
> 
> Tell him to stop asking, it's not going to happen.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Nuff said...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

TallJeff said:


> You could also role play where he plays another man and you "talk" to him like your husband is watching and he talks to you like your husband is watching.


Or maybe you could play the "strangers at the bar" game - pick him up - and take him to a semi-private place...???

Just an idea.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Good one. Lots of ways to safely explore this.

I think 'meeting him halfway' (i.e. playing the role, but with him) is plenty fair.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

TallJeff said:


> Good one. Lots of ways to safely explore this.
> 
> I think 'meeting him halfway' (i.e. playing the role, but with him) is plenty fair.


Sex is not everything in relation to women. She is not required to fulfill all of his fantasies or to compensate him for coercing her for degrading ones. He is trying to coerce her to do sexual acts with other men! That is a sign of serious problems within their relationship. The basic problem that he views her as an object for his manipulation for his pleasure - AKA sex object. 

A sex object is a person or thing that is used to give the user pleasure with no investment of emotions or concern for the desires and wishes of the thing. 

Contrary to common belief, sex does not fix relationship problems. Since he will not take no for an answer and having sex with him further fuels his attempt at coercion she needs to stop having sex with him and seek MC. If he leaves to try to coerce some other woman, she should not be surprised. He is obcessed with the idea not in love with his wife. So she loses nothing. 

If she compromises, she will reward bad behavior and it will never be enough. He will not likely get any woman to do this and he probably knows it. He has a convient object close at hand to use she is there every day and he has the added avantage of her love for him. It is sad that there are people who actually think that it is ok to use coercion in a loving relationship. It is the opposite of love. 

Ask him if he loves you? If he answers yes tell he is not being truthful by his actions he does not. . Here is an article that may help http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8506_fft.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Catherine, I would never encourage a woman to do something she wasn't comfortable with.

But the OP came on here asking for advice. And she said she actually liked the fantasy. Which meant she's probably cool roleplaying the fantasy with her own man.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

I think it's a leap to suggest that OP's husband "doesn't love her" because he has an apparent obsession with this particular fantasy. As has been pointed out already, it's not a terribly uncommon male fantasy to see one's wife with another man. In and of itself, it's not a sign that he's disturbed or that sees his wife as nothing more than an object. It just means that he has a particular kink. 

That said, if it's not for you (which probably is a good thing, as suspect nine times out of 10 these situations go awry or at least fail to live up to the fantasy), then continue to say so in no uncertain terms and make clear that you won't engage in role-playing the fantasy if he continues to pressure you over acting it out for real. Let him know you expect him to respect your wishes. 
If he doesn't respect your wishes, well then you might have a problem on your hands. But that goes for any sex act, not just this one. Stand firm and let him know there are certain boundaries you're unwilling to cross and this is one of them.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It keeps getting said that it's a common fantasy for men to want to see ther partner with someone else. Where is the back for this statement? I think it's dangerous to three stuff like this around because it puts the idea into people's heads that if you don't actually like that idea, or in fact think its incredibly stupid that you are somehow wrong or a prude. This leads men to agree to it when in reality they really don't like it.

I thnk the reality, proven by all the tales of couples who's relationships have ended following threesomes and swinging. Is that the majority of men don't like the idea of sharing their wife and in fact are deeply hurt by it.

Yes there are swingers out there who emotionally divorce themselves from their partner having sex with others, but that's the minority . I've certainly never heard from a single other male in real life that they hope their wives have sex with other people. Not once, and I've lived a good number of years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> It keeps getting said that it's a common fantasy for men to want to see ther partner with someone else. Where is the back for this statement? I think it's dangerous to three stuff like this around because it puts the idea into people's heads that if you don't actually like that idea, or in fact think its incredibly stupid that you are somehow wrong or a prude. This leads men to agree to it when in reality they really don't like it.


While this is certainly only anecdotal evidence, I've seen a fairly significant number of men say that they find the idea arousing. Which brings me to....



> I thnk the reality, proven by all the tales of couples who's relationships have ended following threesomes and swinging. Is that the majority of men don't like the idea of sharing their wife and in fact are deeply hurt by it.


On the contrary, I think a significant portion of men do indeed like the *idea* of it. But, if it goes beyond fantasy to reality, it's that reality that they don't like...what was an abstract "other man" is now a flesh and blood real person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aHeartbreaker (Nov 27, 2011)

Thanks everyone! I feel much stronger about saying NO now. Which, I did, but we will see if he keeps on. There are some good suggestions on here we can try without actually involving someone. It is cheating in my mind, and always will be. thank you


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## fanhereya (Dec 8, 2011)

Tell him you need to know so that you can decide if that is the kind of relationship you want.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

Have you ever seen the movie about Richard Pryors life "the Jo Jo Dancer Story". There's a part where Richard wants to have an open marriage so he can mess with other women so to justify this he pushes his wife to mess with another man. The classic scene is when his wife is in bed with another guy and Richard walks by and looks in and sees them going at it, she doesn't see him . He obviously wasn't ready for this, the crushed look on his face explains it all. You may think you want this , you'd better think twice. Just as your hubby better ! Good luck gurl.


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## Erom (Jan 24, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Maybe video-taping you giving your hubby a bj or hj would satisfy your husband's desire to see you perform?? Or is it an important fact that it's with someone else? Just a thought...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


just make sure his face is visible in the video, so he can't use it as black mail that you did something with someone else.

and as far as the bondage... you might want to rethink that as well unless your sure that while your tightly bound and blind folded, he doesn't use that opportunity to sneak someone in and get his fantasy before you realize or maybe never realize...

you might have to settle for Self Bondage (maybe with a close friend as a back up, to arrive a little time after you THINK you'll be free, just in case something goes wrong)


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## nicky1 (Jan 20, 2012)

If you introduce a third pary to your marriage you will both regret it for a very long time.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

I think this is an area to be very careful. Fanatisies can be a great part of your sex life (after-all, the brain is the ulitimate sex organ) - and shared fantasies can be highly erotic.

My wife and I share our fantasies, and very much enjoy thinking about them and exploring them together.

That said, we draw a definate line between 'Fantasies we'd like to happen' and 'Fantasies that will always remain nothing more than Fantasies'. We have discussed this, and agreed that anything involving contact with other people would never become reality.

It might be worth seeing if this sort of concept works for you, and if so, explaining (in a polite, and possibly sexually charged) discussion that there are fantasies that are fun to discuss, that might become reality, and some that are fun to discuss that will never become reality - and that there has to be a definite difference.


As for the 'other person' fantasies being common, from what we see on the list, and from what I understand from my (extremely limited) knowlegde of porn, it's a common enough fantasy (if you want to expose yourself to the risk, a google search on the terms cuckold or hotwife would probably show up a fair few hits - not that I'm recommending it.) Similarly there are likley many who don't understand it, find the idea hideous and those who do it incomprehensible.

And I suspect most of those who enjoy the fantasy still wouldn't want it to be a reality. However the spectrum of human mores being what they are, some will try, some will think about it, and some will not - and some will say other's shouldn't.

The thing is to find what works for you, as a couple - and it must be as a couple. He must respect your boundaries (and you his, although it seems you do) - and you need to come to an understanding on the fantasies that you can both cope with.

Good luck

Rags


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

we all have some degree of kinky fantasies. They should be embraced as such but moving them into reality is a dangerous prospect. Stand your ground. tell him he is ruining a perfectly good fantasy that you enjoy playing with and he must drop the reality part of this or never bring it up again period, end of story.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

in my life it strikes me that men& women are not in the slightest bit honest with each other. things are hidden behind in-offensive words so that a real senairio if it came up would shock most people here, and put your loved one in danger. please let caution be your guide and show each other the love you have for them t[o even enter into their FANTASY. [keeping it brief.]


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

aHeartbreaker said:


> I have told him no, and he just keeps on and on... and the next time we're talking dirty or whatever its the only thing he wants to hear. I did like talking about it, then he pushed it into being a reality, and now I won't even talk to him about it, or I have to say, realize this is never, ever going to happen, which kills the moment, then the next time around he is asking again, saying, seriously, when are you going to do it? I am going to have to stand up and say NO and mean it and just drop it, but I tried that before and our sex life got fizzled out quick its like its the only thought that excites him. Thanks for all your input..l


Stop the sex until he stops the pressure. If he begins asking tell him you are sick of hearing his disgusting fantasy and the pressure that goes with it. He will come around if he 1) loves you and 2) wants sex with you.

My thought is he is looking for a way to get around the fidelity argument...but you did x with a stranger so it's only fair.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

FYI everyone - the question here was posted about two years ago.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Grayson said:


> While this is certainly only anecdotal evidence, I've seen a fairly significant number of men say that they find the idea arousing. Which brings me to....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 If I knew the difference between anecdote and antidote she'd still be alive.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I wouldn't do it.. This is the only thing I wouldn't do. 

What happens if you do it once. He will want you to to it again and when that gets "boring" to him, he will bring up having sex with other people and before you know it you will both be having sex with someone else.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

The OP is long gone but- depending on what the H focuses on when he talks about the fantasy I would have to wonder if what he's really after is having an experience with the other man. 

This article goes over a lot of the possible drivers of this particular fantasy: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...would-you-do-want-watch-your-wife-another-man


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Tell him the fantasy YOU have is to watch another woman giving him a bj...and just about the time he's about org*sm, how you come up behind her and hit her in the head with sledge hammer...

...causing her to bite down really, really hard...

He needs to grow up. He should have learned that 'no' means NO! a looooooong time ago.

Vega


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Zombie thread


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Zombie thread


And no less distrubing or less creepy. That is a good thing.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO, if his fantasy became a reality, he would think about it after and get real negative thought that he encouraged his wife to give another man a BJ. In his fantasy, he controls the situation from start to finish and it all works out to his standards. Because it's a fantasy and in his mind. Reality doesn't work that way. There are a lot of what if's and if his fantasy doesn't go off as planned, then trouble is around the corner. What if she enjoys the guy too much. Or she finds a guy with a bigger penis and all that. Bet you anything that if there was a good argument between the two of them, he would bring it up and never let her forget it even though it was his fantasy.


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