# Do I have a logical reason to divorce?



## stayorleave (Feb 6, 2015)

Warning: this post is long ... 

I have been married nearly 10 years with 2 kids (5yr old and a 3 month old).
My husband and I had a kind of "arranged" marriage if you will. We were introduced by family with the intention that we will get married. I liked him enough to say yes. Also, I had quite a bit of pressure from my nagging, overbearing mom to get married. There were some indications before the wedding that there may be trouble. For instance, I have an extreme aversion to people chomping (i later found out it actually is a disorder that has a name). He was chomping once and I said oh my goodness I can't stand it and went away to another room. He followed me and said he didn't need *****es like me in his life. This was before the wedding. Also, there were instances where he would just repeat what his mother would say and fight with me. But I went ahead and married him anyway.
Since then it has been downhill. On the surface, he is a good provider and he is genuinely a good father. But with me, he is extremely hurtful. He says the meanest things which pierce my heart. A lot of it is undeserved. If he gets upset, he rants for upto an hour at a time. His ego and sense of superiority is terrible - i cannot converse with him about anything unless it's in his praise. He has been extremely rude to my parents. He has accused me of stupid things that I did not do. He puts words in my mouth and goes off on me. 

His mother is a hypocritic, double faced b(*&^. He blindly supports her, covers up her nonsense or denies stuff she has said to me in his absence (!!). When I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, my mother in law was visiting us. She would let my son sit in front of her iPad for hours. I told her about a hundred times over several months to be firm with him and not let him watch videos on it for more than half an hour. She would never comply (she has a desperate need to be liked, which means indulging my husband to the point where he believes he's above everyone else and giving my son anything he needs like chocolates and iPad without any boundaries). 
When I finally got fed up of her letting my son use her iPad for a long time and muttered that she needs to be firm, my husband flew into a rage, said it's not her fault and to shut up about them, that I am not saint, etc etc. He had a look of hatred on his face that I cannot put in words. I said i'm not saying anything wrong. I've tried working it out with her but she does not comply. I said I was fed up of always being treated this way and wish I could leave. He said by all means, do. If you want to leave, you can. I was 8 months pregnant for god's sake!
He keeps saying he wants to go back and live with his parents. He wants to bring them to live with us. It's always about them. He recently had a health scare. Not once did he show concern about what would happen to me or the kids without him. His only concern was how it would affect his parents. 
I am fed up of his hurtful words. I've borne them for 10 years. 
Do I have a logical reason to leave? It hasn't escalated to physical violence as such. At times, he acts like a clown and tries to butt his head into my stomach (like a comical ox) but I feel no love or affection towards him. I can barely stand him. 
We have no common interests. He will not do anything I like with any enthusiasm. Anything I buy for the house is "ugly" but his crap has to be admired. If I ask him to put a book down and talk to me, he calls me and my parents "unintellectual" I earn as much as he does and have longer work hours. But i feel disrespected. I remember once working 36 straight hours, after which he asked me to take out the trash and the following day was trash day. 
Should I leave him? I feel no happiness, have no companionship, feel no love for him. I love my children to death and am capable of supporting them on my own. I feel scared about being alone though. But is it worth throwing my life away for a man I can barely stand and who has hurt me so much (and still believes he has been more awesome than I deserve?).
I just know that if his mother moves in with us, i'm walking out. He wants me to take a loan on my name to remodel the house with an in law unit for his parents. Wtf????

My concern is the kids. I feel sad about having them grow up without a father who genuinely loves them. I wouldn't keep the kids away from him though. I would love for them to spend as much time with him as they want to. But of course, divorce is never that rosy is it? I don't want to psychologically scar my children. And keeping them happy would mean literally living the rest of my life regretting marrying this man. I haven't laughed or been joyful at home in ages. I miss my old self.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Just know you are not alone. In my opinion, I think you need to get a divorce. Yes, you want what's best for your children, but who's to say they won't be better off with 2 happy parents instead of 2 miserable ones? They are young and will adapt quickly. I'm sure they have witnessed some of the fighting between you and your Husband. Do you think that is good for them? Yes, divorce isn't exactly fun for anybody, but sometimes it's what is best for everybody involved. Also, I wouldn't agree to any joint loan while you are deliberating what to do. You will be liable for it too. I guess you could suggest marriage counseling, but to me it sounds like it would just be delaying the inevitable. Life is too short to be miserable. There are billions of people in this world. I'm sure there is someone out there that would make you much happier than you are now, you just need to get out of this "marriage", take time to heal, and then go find him. Someday it will all be worth it...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I don't think it would illogical to get a divorce. 

But there are some things that you need to consider.
First: If you don't like how his mother interacts with your children you right now have some control over it. (I personally think you should quite tell her how to act with her Grandbabies. It's not a fight that's worth it. Either don't let them be alone with her, or accept the help she's offering how she's offering it. You want to tell someone how to raise your children, hire a nanny.) 
However, if you divorce he will get custody rights and at that point you will have no say in what he does with that time. Which might mean he leaves his kids with his Mother full time. So if it drives you crazy now it's only going to be worse later.

Also...my feelings would be really hurt if someone complained about my "chomping." 

That said, I know it's very lonely to be with someone who doesn't want to engage with you. Or who is emotionally cruel. 
Emotional cruelty is enough in my mind to justify a divorce. 

But no, it won't be easy.


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