# 9 yrs after R, does she ever think about the As?



## MAJDEATH

3 months ago, thru IC, we had a new D-Day. Many of the details from her multiple As came to light. I was stunned, kept asking many follow-up questions, and generally was thinking about her A's a lot (mind movies, places they went, etc).

I wonder if she was thinking abut the As as much as I was. Hopefully not having "what-if" thoughts. Any fWW want to chime in? Is it best that I not keep bringing it up and asking more questions now that most every detail has been answered?


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## GusPolinski

She's an author, right?

What is it that she writes about?


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## ReidWright

new D-Day? as in a previously undisclosed OM? or just new details about the numerous affairs you knew about?

if the skeletons are still falling out of the closet, how can you trust this person?


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## MAJDEATH

GusPolinski said:


> She's an author, right?
> 
> What is it that she writes about?


Previous books were completely unrelated subject matters (but no murder mysteries thank god). Future book(s) may include how to survive a crisis marriage, which would include chapters on infidelity. This is why she revealed all that she remembers about the As, so that I won't be surprised when I read it in her book.


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## MAJDEATH

ReidWright said:


> new D-Day? as in a previously undisclosed OM? or just new details about the numerous affairs you knew about?
> 
> if the skeletons are still falling out of the closet, how can you trust this person?


Both. Mostly I trust her, but I snoop from time to time just to be sure. And now I know the warning signs/conditions where she previously was most likely to start an affair.


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## bandit.45

Yes she thinks about her other lovers from time to time. Quite fondly most likely.


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## ConanHub

Interesting that she only, finally, confessed to you so she could put her cheating stories in a book.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker

I think a lot of it depends on how and why the A's ended. Did she actively choose to end them and reconcile? Or was she pressured/pushed to by friends/family/church/you? Is the marriage doing well now, or is it still in the reconciliation mode? Were the A's mostly ONS type situations, or were any of them longer term affair relationships?

My guess is that she probably does think back on them every now and then, but try to remember that women think very differently and so that doesn't mean that she is necessarily picturing them sexually or anything like that, which I'm sure would hurt the most. It's possible, but it just all depends on why she ended the A's and what kind of relationships they had with them.

How often do you think about ex-girlfriends? I imagine it's probably something similar or only slightly more frequently than that. (Maybe more only because it's probably more recent)


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## MAJDEATH

cdbaker said:


> I think a lot of it depends on how and why the A's ended. Did she actively choose to end them and reconcile? Or was she pressured/pushed to by friends/family/church/you? Is the marriage doing well now, or is it still in the reconciliation mode? Were the A's mostly ONS type situations, or were any of them longer term affair relationships?
> 
> My guess is that she probably does think back on them every now and then, but try to remember that women think very differently and so that doesn't mean that she is necessarily picturing them sexually or anything like that, which I'm sure would hurt the most. It's possible, but it just all depends on why she ended the A's and what kind of relationships they had with them.
> 
> How often do you think about ex-girlfriends? I imagine it's probably something similar or only slightly more frequently than that. (Maybe more only because it's probably more recent)


She chose to end them, as I did not know about the A's mostly. Most were long term, lasting years. And most were with married men, with no chance (or interest) in moving towards marriage. She refers to them as "walking dildos" who satisfied her physical needs at the time.

I don't think about ex GFs much at all. I am very happy in our marriage and feel like I won the big prize


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## bandit.45

Um....



Okay.


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## warshaw

MAJDEATH said:


> She chose to end them, as I did not know about the A's mostly. Most were long term, lasting years. And most were with married men, with no chance (or interest) in moving towards marriage. She refers to them as "walking dildos" who satisfied her physical needs at the time.
> 
> I don't think about ex GFs much at all. I am very happy in our marriage and feel like I won the big prize


Does this make it easier for you? To think of these guys as nothing more than sex objects? 

Because they supposedly weren't relationship material, and she supposedly ended it.. somehow the fact that she screwed them and gave them oral and all that goes with it, is more palatable?

You give an interesting perspective from the view of the betrayed spouse, the massive denial you have in place as displayed on at least one other thread not withstanding.. you have an amazing capacity to minimize. 

I guess in way it makes sense, if she was emotionally attached it would be worse because she could have left you to marry one of them. But it's like saying I lost one arm, I could have lost two so it's not as bad as it could have been. Meanwhile the arm cutter is still sleeping in your bed...


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## NoChoice

OP,
If I understand your situation, it would seem that your marriage actually fell apart some years ago and all that was missing was the D paperwork. You each seemed to go your own way and do your own thing and the marriage was in name only. I can therefore, somewhat understand your lackadaisical attitude towards your wife's affairs. Now, it seems, you two have decided to reconnect. I hope you both realize that the work required to sustain a real marriage is not what you have been used to and will be demanding to say the least. However, if you both can look at your past indiscretions as a means to an end, then perhaps they do not have the significance that they might have to myself or others posting here.

In any event, the ultimate goal is happiness and if you and she are experiencing it then who are we to contradict your methods. They are certainly not conventional and they appear counter intuitive but stranger things have happened. I would only caution that unresolved emotions and pent up pain will resurface later in the relationship so be as confident as you can be that this is not the case. Otherwise, I wish you good fortune.


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## cdbaker

MAJDEATH said:


> She chose to end them, as I did not know about the A's mostly. Most were long term, lasting years. And most were with married men, with no chance (or interest) in moving towards marriage. She refers to them as "walking dildos" who satisfied her physical needs at the time.
> 
> I don't think about ex GFs much at all. I am very happy in our marriage and feel like I won the big prize


In that case, I'd say she probably thinks about them less frequently and with less... yearning, than she would if she had been forced to break it off. By ending the A's herself, she was making the decision that they weren't worth her continued attention, that they weren't worthy long term prospects, that she had other more preferred options (presumably you) available, etc.

As an example, when my wife and I were separated, but on the verge of reconciling, I happened to be seeing another woman who I liked a lot. I saw many other women before that during the separation, but I don't really think of them much at all because I ended those relations myself for various reasons. This one woman though, I ended the relationship because I ultimately chose to give marriage reconciliation a chance. I certainly don't regret that decision at all, but she does fondly come to mind every now and then.

So with your wife having ended them on her own, I'd say you really have nothing to stress over. Hopefully your "mind's eye" can relax a bit.


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## bigfoot

I don't get you. Why does this matter? By your own opinion, you "won the prize". I can't fathom how you can say that, but since you believe that, I accept you at your word.

If you won the prize, why does it matter that she had numerous "walking dildos"? Why does it matter whether or what she thinks about them? 

Given what you know, and given what you think, and given what you have done insofar as staying married, the answer really is meaningless. If the answer is "no", you will stay and claim your prize. If the answer is "yes", or "yes, and fondly", you are still staying and claiming your "prize". Maybe you swallow a bit harder when you say it, but you will still stay. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that the answer will not change whether you stay and can only bring pain, so why ask? Let it go or be prepared for a roller coaster ride from hell.

On the other hand, if you are coming out of your own "fog", keep asking questions like this. Things are about to get real clear for you.


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## MAJDEATH

All my questions regarding the A's have been answered. I guess I'll never know for sure if she thinks about the OM. She claims she doesn't and that during the separation they were just substitutes for the man she really wanted - me.


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## Dude007

bigfoot said:


> I don't get you. Why does this matter? By your own opinion, you "won the prize". I can't fathom how you can say that, but since you believe that, I accept you at your word.
> 
> If you won the prize, why does it matter that she had numerous "walking dildos"? Why does it matter whether or what she thinks about them?
> 
> Given what you know, and given what you think, and given what you have done insofar as staying married, the answer really is meaningless. If the answer is "no", you will stay and claim your prize. If the answer is "yes", or "yes, and fondly", you are still staying and claiming your "prize". Maybe you swallow a bit harder when you say it, but you will still stay. I'm not judging you. I'm just saying that the answer will not change whether you stay and can only bring pain, so why ask? Let it go or be prepared for a roller coaster ride from hell.
> 
> On the other hand, if you are coming out of your own "fog", keep asking questions like this. Things are about to get real clear for you.


Guys, what he has been through is so OVERWHELMING his mind is trying to use EVERY trick in the book to slowly allow the reality of the situation to hit home. We need to be patient as its apparent he has been massively traumatized. He has so many losses to face its almost unbearable. Maj, keep talking through these things but I'll tell you now, once reality bites and it will, you will want a divorce, you will need a divorce. These movies are traumatizing you and the books will be NO HELP! DUDE


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## happy as a clam

MAJDEATH said:


> I guess I'll never know for sure if she thinks about the OM. She claims she doesn't and that during the separation *they were just substitutes for the man she really wanted - me.*


I hope you don't actually believe this drivel.


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## bandit.45

The only way I would even marginally consider keeping a woman like yours around is if she has literally has a perfect golden vagina that turns to sunshine when exposed to air, a body hotter than vintage Raquel Welch, fvcks like a porn star and agrees to stay locked in the basement for the rest of the marriage. 

If not? I'd take her down to the red light district of your area, drop her off and tell her to make herself at home with those of her own kind.


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## Satya

Maj, Are you going to be the thought police on her? You can't know what she's thinking unless she tells you, and given her history, why would she be honest with you? 

Of course she thinks about them.... Duh. I think about my ex H, my two ex bf's, randomly from time to time. It doesn't mean I want them, typically it's to reinforce thoughts of why they were bad for me. I sit and talk with other divorced women in a meet up group, they talk about exes and things that were great/not so great. Many are dating or in second marriages.... Of course they think about their ex. 

Regardless of what you think she's thinking, you decided to stay with her so you're going to have to find a way to be at peace with your decision and not assign meaning to what she may or may not be thinking about her affair partners. Or... admit to yourself that there's a seed of doubt there because maybe you made the wrong choice? 

Only you can know or determine that.


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## ArmyofJuan

happy as a clam said:


> I hope you don't actually believe this drivel.


I concur, if I was seperated from my wife and really wanted my wife I wouldn't be looking for substitutes. I'd be too afraid of ruining in chance of reconciliation.

Sounds like she was just telling him what he wants to hear.


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## MAJDEATH

ArmyofJuan said:


> happy as a clam said:
> 
> 
> 
> I hope you don't actually believe this drivel.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I concur, if I was seperated from my wife and really wanted my wife I wouldn't be looking for substitutes. I'd be too afraid of ruining in chance of reconciliation.
> 
> Sounds like she was just telling him what he wants to hear.
Click to expand...

What if your wife had to leave for 3 yrs, to a place you could not go? Think you could wait?


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## GusPolinski

bandit.45 said:


> The only way I would even marginally consider keeping a woman like yours around is *if she has literally has a perfect golden vagina that turns to sunshine* when exposed to air, a body hotter than vintage Raquel Welch, fvcks like a porn star and agrees to stay locked in the basement for the rest of the marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> If not? I'd take her down to the red light district of your area, drop her off and tell her to make herself at home with those of her own kind.



LOL... reminds me of that scene from "Harlem Nights".


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## GusPolinski

MAJDEATH said:


> What if your wife had to leave for 3 yrs, to a place you could not go? Think you could wait?



That's what she signed up for, right?


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## bandit.45

GusPolinski said:


> LOL... reminds me of that scene from "Harlem Nights".


Makes you feel old doesn't it? :smile2:


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## cdbaker

ArmyofJuan said:


> I concur, if I was seperated from my wife and really wanted my wife I wouldn't be looking for substitutes. I'd be too afraid of ruining in chance of reconciliation.
> 
> Sounds like she was just telling him what he wants to hear.


Hhmmm, having been in this exact situation (Separated for three years), I did choose to see other women. My wife continued her affair relationship for close to two years, and I started dating a few months after she left. Ignoring for a moment whether it was ethical to date other women while still technically married, even if my wife was in an adulterous affair of her own, I don't really regret having taken that time to meet new people and have new experiences. We got married very young, and reconciling my marriage was going to be an ENORMOUS undertaking, if it was even possible, so I'm glad I had that time to see what other options were out there. Plus if we're honest, I don't think my wife would have had any respect for me at all if all I did relationally was wait around for her to break up with her boyfriend and hope that she would come back to me. Heck I probably wouldn't have any respect for myself either.

Now if she hadn't been in the continued affair with the other man... if we had some kind of agreement to not see other people and I was confident that she was sticking to it, then maybe I would have avoided dating others. That would be an exception.


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## snerg

cdbaker said:


> Plus if we're honest, I don't think my wife would have had any respect for me at all if all I did relationally was wait around for her to break up with her boyfriend and hope that she would come back to me. Heck I probably wouldn't have any respect for myself either.


Uhh, not to split hairs, but your wife was in an affair.

She already didn't respect you.


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## cdbaker

snerg said:


> Uhh, not to split hairs, but your wife was in an affair.
> 
> She already didn't respect you.


Totally. I'm not saying she wasn't in an affair, she absolutely was.

And therefore, no, she didn't really have much respect for me. I'm just saying she would have had even less respect for me as a MAN, let alone her husband, if all I did was sit around waiting for her to leave her boyfriend and come back to me.


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