# OM told me of Affair and now won't go away.



## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Basically last year OM says he had affair with my wife. Luckily he was 10 hrs away so I didn't kill him. I actually was glad to know the truth. The anger I feel in a daily basis is hard to handle. Wife and I have R. The issue is the guy will not go away.every few months he pops up. Wife has been good about saying hey see this. He sent this ect. She realized what was going in and has woke up. Any advise on how to handle this guy. Normally in the south we would just have his disappear. But im trying to go another direction that doesnt include major jail time. I've ask 5 times go away. When he reaches out it just opens up old scars. Advise please.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Basically last year OM says he had affair with my wife. Luckily he was 10 hrs away so I didn't kill him. I actually was glad to know the truth. The anger I feel in a daily basis is hard to handle. Wife and I have R. The issue is the guy will not go away.every few months he pops up. Wife has been good about saying hey see this. He sent this ect. She realized what was going in and has woke up. Any advise on how to handle this guy. Normally in the south we would just have his disappear. But im trying to go another direction that doesnt include major jail time. I've ask 5 times go away. When he reaches out it just opens up old scars. Advise please.


Did she write a NC letter and did you read it? This is the type of thing that's meant to make go away and it proves the WS is serious and not stringing the OM along still. Better late than never.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Basically last year OM says he had affair with my wife. Luckily he was 10 hrs away so I didn't kill him. I actually was glad to know the truth. The anger I feel in a daily basis is hard to handle. Wife and I have R. The issue is the guy will not go away.every few months he pops up. Wife has been good about saying hey see this. He sent this ect. She realized what was going in and has woke up. Any advise on how to handle this guy. Normally in the south we would just have his disappear. But im trying to go another direction that doesnt include major jail time. I've ask 5 times go away. When he reaches out it just opens up old scars. Advise please.


I'm guessing he's either not married or, if he is, the affair has been exposed to his wife as well. If neither of those is true, expose the affair to his wife.

Also, it might help to know more about the particulars of your situation...

How old are you and your wife?

How long have you been married?

What to the two of you do for a living?

Do you have children? If so, how many, how old, etc?

Who is/was OM... friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin, in-law, or other family relation, etc?

How long did the affair go on?

Under what circumstances did he expose the affair? Did he just call out of the blue and expose it to you or had you been suspicious prior to that?

Was the affair a physical affair?





#guspo8k


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Can you share how he shows up and how it is presented.....also in your exchange with him initially did he confront as a manner in which he was trying to break your marriage or save it.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Basically last year OM says he had affair with my wife. Luckily he was 10 hrs away so I didn't kill him. I actually was glad to know the truth. The anger I feel in a daily basis is hard to handle. Wife and I have R. The issue is the guy will not go away.every few months he pops up. Wife has been good about saying hey see this. He sent this ect. She realized what was going in and has woke up. Any advise on how to handle this guy. Normally in the south we would just have his disappear. But im trying to go another direction that doesnt include major jail time. I've ask 5 times go away. When he reaches out it just opens up old scars. Advise please.


As Gus asked you need to expand on the limited amount of information you supplied


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

CBF,

I just read your previous threads to see your backstory.

This POS is the guy you thought was just an EA?

So, he just called you up and told you it was actually a PA last year?

I notice in your first thread, you said POS and his BW (your WW's bf) were trying to work out their M after the EA was exposed.

Did they end up in D?.....Because it seems like this turd is now on a mission to break up your M and get your WW.

Did you inform his BW of the continued contacts if they are still together?

I think it is time for you and your fWW to slap this a**hat with a cease and desist order from the court....not that he doesn't really deserve that 'old fashioned' consequence you mentioned.

btw....how did the revelation that it was indeed a PA impact your R with your WW?....I read how you were really angry and struggling to accept it when you thought it was just an EA.....how long into the R from the EA did sh*tbag call you up and inform you?

To begin the healing and work of R, just to have POS tell you of the PA and you realize your WW has added to her betrayal by continuing to lie must have been very difficult.


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## ConservativeBamaFan (Feb 19, 2014)

Guys thanks for your help. Here is a quick short history. We seem to be headed in the right direction. Just can't get this guy to go on. I'm trying not to go old school Texas justice on him but I'm stuggling and I feel like it pulling back in the wrong direction. so any advise is welcomed.

How old are you and your wife?
47 and 42

How long have you been married? 
18 yrs

What to the two of you do for a living? 
Business owner and Sales

Do you have children? 
2 girls 12 and 15

Who is/was OM... friend, co-worker, neighbor, cousin, in-law, or other family relation, etc? 

Friend of a friend

How long did the affair go on? 

4 months


Under what circumstances did he expose the affair? Did he just call out of the blue and expose it to you or had you been suspicious prior to that?

I was suspisous. I found a large number of text. When I ask she was helping with a problem ect. Denied it. I called him they had got there story straight and he told the same story.

2 or 3 months later he calls and says hey this is what's really happened. He got tired of waiting for her to get a D.



Was the affair a physical affair?

Physical 1 time that I know of.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> Basically last year OM says he had affair with my wife. Luckily he was 10 hrs away so I didn't kill him. I actually was glad to know the truth. The anger I feel in a daily basis is hard to handle. Wife and I have R. The issue is the guy will not go away.every few months he pops up. Wife has been good about saying hey see this. He sent this ect. She realized what was going in and has woke up. Any advise on how to handle this guy. Normally in the south we would just have his disappear. But im trying to go another direction that doesnt include major jail time. I've ask 5 times go away. When he reaches out it just opens up old scars. Advise please.


This thread is worrying CBF. You ask what we think you should do but you should be wondering why the hell this guy is popping up at all. Why does he think your wife is okay to contact? I would make her tell this guy it's done, it's over, it will never be again, and to leave her alone. And I'd have to either here her say it or read the writing and see her send it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What I would do is have your attorney send him a cease and desist letter.

If he does not honor that you can go after him legally in court.

And please remind your wife she can pick em. She needs to still feel consequences for her selfish decisions.

HM


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> And please remind your wife she can pick em. She needs to still feel consequences for her selfish decisions.


Also tell your wife that you are going to DNA your kids and note her reaction. It's quite simple to do and what could she say? "How dare you accuse me of having sex with another man."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Really simple. You go to a lawyer, you have the lawyer send him a nice, formal letter on lawyer letterhead stating that the next time he contacts either of you, you will be taking him to court and wasting every dime he has and exposing him to his entire community.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, has the affair been exposed to mutual friends? Doing this could go a long way toward keeping this guy away.

Second, I'd say that -- at an absolute, bare minimum -- a "No Contact" letter is in order. It needs to be addressed to OM and authored by your wife, though you should certainly offer any input that you may have AND proofread it before sent. Send it via e-mail AND certified letter. It should also contain language that mentions legal action should he fail to cease in his attempts to communicate w/ either yourself or your wife. Also consider doing as @turnera suggested above and having the letter sent from a lawyer's office, along w/ a letter from the lawyer backing up the aforementioned legal repercussions that will follow should he continue in his perpetual asshattery.

And, again, if this guy has a wife or girlfriend, then _definitely_ expose the affair to her.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Also, how is this guy reaching out to you? Have you changed phone numbers, e-mail addresses, deactivated or closed Facebook accounts, etc?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Nothing would please law enforcement officers more than getting a call to come out and pick this scumbag up for violation of a "cease and desist" order from a court! 

More especially from married cops! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi LTL,

Read both your threads. First you must trust your wife in this issue -and only this issue. Given the history of your marriage YOU WOUOD BE A FOOL TO TRUST HER ON ANY MATTER THAT MIGHT EFFECT A DIVORCE SETTLEMET if your reconcillation fails. 

On this issue you have to proceed with trust. So what does your wife think should be done? This is the type of situation that vam cause a wife to detach from the spouse. Sit down with her (and with no "see what a mess you made" and find works for her. Working together following her lead, right or wrong, is a necessary step to rebuilding her trust in you. Do it well and your reconcillation will taje a huge step forward.

Your thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JohnA said:


> Hi LTL,
> 
> Read both your threads. First you must trust your wife in this issue -and only this issue. Given the history of your marriage YOU WOUOD BE A FOOL TO TRUST HER ON ANY MATTER THAT MIGHT EFFECT A DIVORCE SETTLEMET if your reconcillation fails.
> 
> ...



OP, I agree that handling this as a collaboration with your wife is the way it needs to be handled. 

I do however, also agree that at this point stronger action is needed.

Your wife can write a cease and desist letter with you. It would be good to mention that he has been asked many times to stop contact and that this point she and you consider his contact to be harassment and stalking. If he ever contacts either of you again you will pursue harassment and stalking criminal charges against him.

Look up the laws in your state and include any other language from the law that makes it clear that he is causing distress and harm.

Then the two of you take it to the post office and mail it certified, signed receipt required. Sending it via email as well makes sense as it gives another way to prove that you sent it.

Get copies of every text, email, etc from him. Phone records are a good place to start. You could download deleted texts from your wife's phone if he uses texts. Start building your evidence.

By sending the letter, it also means that you and your wife cannot contact I'm in any way going further, or talk to him even if he walks up to you in public ... except to say something like 'get away from me'.

If you are going to contact his wife about this, do it at the time you send him the no contact letter.. send her a certified/signature required copy as well.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am a bit confused. Is this OM the same one from your thread last year ? Is he the husband of her best friend and in terms of that affair you said it was only an EA. Now this is one time PA. Or is this a second affair that she is engaged in ?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Police 

Lookup stalking laws in his state and in yours.. 

Find out what precinct is in his area.. Do a google search and just ask his local police department *"Can you tell me what precinct covers this area" *and give his address. 

Ask a cop friend or a friend that has a cop friends..

You want to document the times he has contacted you or her and you need to document the times you told him NOT to contact you.. 

No details needed.. *You don't *need to tell him *"we are looking to reconcile please let us heal" *nonsense. 

A simple *"charles jones do not contact myself or my wife jane anymore in any shape or fashion.. Do not have a third party contact myself or my wife either.. "*

Hopefully he will threaten you to make it easier.. 

But each time he does you need to document the email and you need the email headers from this email to show his IP address. 

If he calls document the time and number..

Make a police report each time.. 

Show a pattern.. 

Show that you are not deviating from the request.. Just keep saying the same thing.. 

Do not get baited no matter what he says or sends.. 

Keep copies of EVERYTHING.. 

Once your local PD wonders what to do or who to transfer over in his area to get him arrested.. You will pass over that info to make his job easier.. 

Hey if this helps I called and asked and found out this is his local PD and precinct for where he lives.. They will appreciate it.. 

Never be a pest to the police.. Just be cool and tell them all you want is for him to stop.

Further put his emails to some other folder but do not look at them.... Some police departments will not help with email wars.. So you need to show that you are ignoring his emails but that HE realized it as well and made new email addresses to bypass your filter to get your attention.. 

Eventually someone will listen when you produce dozens of emails from different addresses and calls and text.. 

Once he gets arrested and you get an order of protection against him.. Even violations are arrestable offenses.. EG he see's you in a store and says you are a b!tch.. He can get arrested for that ( at least in NYC he could ).. I know he lives 10 hours away but you never know what crazy does..


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

10 hour is not that far.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

JohnA said:


> Hi LTL,
> 
> Read both your threads. First you must trust your wife in this issue -and only this issue. Given the history of your marriage YOU WOUOD BE A FOOL TO TRUST HER ON ANY MATTER THAT MIGHT EFFECT A DIVORCE SETTLEMET if your reconcillation fails.
> 
> ...


First let me say that I would not even consider reconciliation with this woman. But , since you have given your word to try, then you must be aware of any and all contact between them. DO NOT trust your wife to do the right thing, she has already proven that she doesn't know what that is.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

first advise,

Get A LOT of counseling both individual and marriage
Absolutely No Contact
Change Phone Numbers
Change Emails
Must have access to all email accounts & cell phone passwords
Absolutely no deleting of messages
No Burner Phones
Get VAR(Voice Activated Recorder) place under the seat of her car

In Counseling
-Get to know why your wife did whats she did.
-See if that can be fixed.
-And you cant fix this just by yourselves. It needs a professional so go get counseling

Talk to a lawyer
-See what you can do about a restraining order on OM


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am a bit confused. Is this OM the same one from your thread last year ? Is he the husband of her best friend and in terms of that affair you said it was only an EA. Now this is one time PA. Or is this a second affair that she is engaged in ?


????????


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am a bit confused. Is this OM the same one from your thread last year ? Is he the husband of her best friend and in terms of that affair you said it was only an EA. Now this is one time PA. Or is this a second affair that she is engaged in ?


Just got a look at his other thread.

Wow, what a mess.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/169345-need-help-advice-wife-having-ea.html


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yep - confusing mess too!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why hasn't he been blocked on phones and email? Change emails and numbers if you need to.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Reading from your previous thread, you had an affair. Now your wife had her own. Revenge affair of hers, perhaps. A poster here said that she had an affair with the husband of her best friend. She betrayed not only you, but her best friend as well.

You claim that he is stalking your wife. Do you know if this affair truly ceased or has it gone underground? Perhaps, your wife's best friend is using torture tactic to cause your marriage anxiety just like she did to her best friend's marriage by using her husband to harass her.

You both need serious marriage counselling. I do not believe that your marriage can survive with infidelities by the both of you. You will never trust each other; although you claim you trust your wife. Be honest with yourselves. You both have caused great harm to your marriage.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Get some duct tape, large plastic sheets- you can find this in most any hardware store, quality rubber gloves, a good shovel- or if you are near a very large body of water, some cement blocks or bricks...

Just kidding- if this guy has been told to buzz off and just won't listen. I'd send a GO [email protected] OFF letter to him from an attorney and then follow through if he violates that.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Are you sure your wife is telling you the truth,because I dont want you to put yourself in problems ?

You two had a rough time but reading all your posts you two had never a real R. Why is that ?
I think there is more to this story about your wife and her Affair,and only when you knew all details then you can work on your Marriage


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> 2 or 3 months later he calls and says hey this is what's really happened. He got tired of waiting for her to get a D.


 He did not tell you because he felt guilty. He told you because he was hoping to break your marriage up so that he could be with her instead of you. His constant contact shows that he is not over your wife and is still trying to destroy your marriage. The fact that your wife has not forcibly put a stop to it, and is still allowing him to hold on to hope, speaks volumes. She wants him as a plan B. Married people should not have a Plan B. She needs to be all in with no Plan B, just like you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am a bit confused. Is this OM the same one from your thread last year ? Is he the husband of her best friend and in terms of that affair you said it was only an EA. Now this is one time PA. Or is this a second affair that she is engaged in ?


OP had an affair that lasted about 4 months a few years ago.

As his affair was winding down his wife found a young dildo to bang her in their home for a ONS.

Made OP mad and they both decided to R.

Last year OP caught his wife cheating, at least EA, with the husband of her best friend. No PA confirmed. They decided to R again.

Now the POS won't stop contacting, trying to break them up I suppose.

I guess OP didn't enjoy his taste of infidelity but his wife appears to have developed an appetite.

It seems to have reached the level of harassment or stalking.

I would pursue a form of legal restraint.

I also agree with many others that you could use counseling for your marriage. You both need to explore why you were cheating in the first place and she needs to figure out why she liked it enough to keep cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Got it - all caught up now.

So she lied about the 2nd affair being EA only - according to OM it was a PA and now he won't go away.

These two should not be married (forget about counselling etc).


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

manfromlamancha said:


> Got it - all caught up now.
> 
> So she lied about the 2nd affair being EA only - according to OM it was a PA and now he won't go away.
> 
> These two should not be married (forget about counselling etc).


Yep...I was confused a bit at first too, but OP cleared that up in a later post.

According to OP she lied and claimed EA....OM spilled the truth about at least a single incident of PA.

Based on a post he made on another thread, I assume this is the incident where his WW tried to tell OP that she did not know POS was coming to her hotel room, despite the fact he had to drive 7 hours to get there.

So apparently, WW has admitted to at least this single incident.

After this, I agree that OP should probably seriously consider filing for D.

Apparently, his WW didn't learn the lesson from the A's 4 years ago and has now stepped into serial cheater status.

If the pain and trauma they both went through years ago didn't teach her the importance of making loyalty a priority if their M was to survive, then I seriously wonder if another round of counseling and therapy is going to magically work this time.

What is she going to say?

This time....I REALLY learned my lesson.

Sorry, but if I were OP, I would find any of her reassurances to be totally unbelievable at this point.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ConservativeBamaFan said:


> The issue is the guy will not go away. Every few months he pops up. Wife has been good about saying hey see this. He sent this ect. She realized what was going in and has woke up.


Out of morbid curiosity, not that it really matters, what does keep saying to you every time he pops up? He told you about the affair, so what reason does he have to continue to contact your wife? Is he trying to restart the affair? 

Oh and you're dead wrong about one thing. She didn't just "realize" this now, she knew exactly what she was doing and who she was with the whole time. It was part of the appeal. YOU just haven't woke up to that fact yet.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You can save yourself one paid visit to an attorney by sending him a cease and desist letter by certified mail. Whoever he continues to contact should be the one to send the communication. You include that if he continues to contact either one of you, that you will take all necessary civil/criminal legal action to get him to stop.

If he doesn't stop contact, *THEN* take copies of all his prior communication, documentation of his contact after the letter was sent, a copy of the desist letter, and your certified mail receipt to your attorney. Hopefully that will be enough to get a RO on him.


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

My wife had an EA with an ex. I had seen pics of the guy before but come to find out he coaches sports in the same league I coach in. UGH. I have to see his ugly face every Saturday. In a weird way, it's been good. He's soooooo UGLY it made me feel like it was IMPOSSIBLE that my wife would have a physical affair with him. She messed with him when she was 18 (four years before we met) and I told her I hope he wasn't that ugly back then. 

But I've fantasized ALOT about hurting this guy. I'm 6'2" and 255 pounds and it would be a good fight. I wanna smack that grin right off his face.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

From what I understand, both of these people have had affairs. Is that right? If so, they have only themselves to blame for the current state of their marriage. Wouldn't it be better for all concerned (including the kids) to learn how to co-parent, and get a amicable divorce, than try to reconcile and juggle all of the baggage involved, including the OM? After a train wreck, it is pretty much impossible to remake the train.


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