# Am I a bad friend?



## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

I've been having some trouble with a friend and I am not sure where to go from here. Lets call her Mable. 

Mable was the witness in my wedding. (My husband and I did not have a bridal party, just our two witnesses)

Mable lives about an hour and a half drive away, in the suburbs. My husband and I live downtown. Our mutual friends, whom Mable and I met through, moved to Australia in September. My husband and I also met through these same mutual friends, and he knew Mable before I did. 

Mable and I grew closer as a result of our friends moving to Australia, which led to me asking her to be the witness in my wedding. We started hanging out a lot more, her mostly coming downtown to my neck of the woods, with my husband and I going to her neck of the woods a few times. 

Since the wedding, her and I haven't been on the best of terms. This is partially because I cancelled plans with her a few times, plans we had for my husband and I to go out to visit her. My husband is the one who has to drive to Mable's home when we go visit her, (I have my license but do not drive much and am not confident to drive on the highway by myself yet) and he doesn't actually enjoy going out to her neck of the woods all that much, not because he doesn't to spend time or because he doesn't like Mable, but because it is quite boring out there and there isn't all that much to do. 

Mable expects me to take the bus out to see her, and feels that because I do not want to sit on a bus for 3 hours, that I do not make enough of an effort with our friendship. 

I know I effed up by going back on a few commitments I had made for my husband and I to go out and see Mable, and this is really what started this tension with Mable. Things came to a head on Friday night when Mable texted me to let me know she would be downtown on Saturday for a spa day with her boyfriend and wanted us to meet up beforehand in the morning for a visit with her. I didn't want to commit, because I did not know how late I would sleep in, and if I would even feel like leaving the house on Saturday morning. Mable took offense to this, and said that it was hurtful that I did not want to make an effort to see her when she was in my neck of the woods. 

Mable is bisexual and had tried to get into my pants several times since our friends moved away. As a newly engaged (now married) woman, I wasn't interested (and am still not, although I am attracted to her) in taking our relationship to a physical level. I think Mable maybe felt rejected by this. 

I also do not understand why our other friends who live as far away as Mable, do not get offended when we do not go to see them. We've only been to their place once, actually, as they usually come into the city when we make plans with them. It has never been an issue for them, however, that they come out to see us more than we go to see them. 

Mable can also be a little bit manipulative, and really gives me a hard time and makes me feel guilty when I do not take her up on her invitations. I find this childish and it does not make me, want to spend any time with her. I think it is important, in friendships and relationships, to not try and change the person or pressure them into doing what you want them to do. 

I got a text from Mable today saying that she didn't think texting about our friendship was a good idea and that it was better to talk in person, but that I ditch her repeatedly, don't invite her for plans, am always lacking effort, and that she always does the inviting and always gets turned down and that I needed to know what was up. She then said we will talk in person, but frankly, I don't want to see her just so i can feel like I am getting attacked. 

I know I am not perfect, but there have been plenty of times when I have come through for her, and I am sick of always feeling like the bad guy and that there is always something I am doing that isn't right or that is hurtful to Mable. 

I want to text her back and say "Hey, can you tell me something positive".


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Relationships aren't tit-for-tat but they are a two-way street. Making plans/commitments and then bailing out on them at the last moment is not cool, it's flaky. It wastes people's time. Also, not giving definitive answers because you don't want to be a bad guy is just crappy communication. Just say no - even if it's not what they want to hear. I'd rather be told a truthful no, than a deceitful yes or be lead on about anything.

On the other hand, I don't want to come down on you too hard because Mable sounds a bit odd to me. For one thing, making passes at you/trying to get into your pants is not cool. You being married and all, she's crossing boundaries and if she really was your friend or your husband's friend she would respect your marriage and not do that.

She also sounds needy and I suspect it's because she's attracted to you and wants more from you than friendship. If this were my "friend", I would be honest with her and end the friendship. Male or female, don't hit on me if I'm married. A one-sided platonic friendship is just drama if one of you is married or in a relationship with someone else. 

I wouldn't send a text, asking her to tell you something positive about yourself, if it was me, I would end the friendship. If not over the fact that she's been trying to sleep with you, for the fact that she wants more from even a platonic friendship than you're willing to give in terms of time and commitment.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

It doesn't sound like friends. It sounds like a soon to be lover. Your for one attracted to her, she's made passes at you and lastly good friends don't have sexual tension. 

Friends can be apart for years or days and take up right where they left off. I think your friend giving you a guilt trip about not making it is not what a friend should have done. If she is your friend then she should understand your limited driving. Friends can talk on the phone too. No way would I travel on a bus for three hours to see a friend. 

Your husband needs to know the truth about the passes and everything, your attraction to her and why. I would also bet he doesn't like her and probably can pick up on the attraction and considers it a threat to his marriage with you. Your skating on thin ice with her.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

"Mable", needs to understand that you are busy with your personal and intimate life with your husband. You do not have to explain yourself to her when it comes to the priorities and responsibilities or your life. If she is your friend, she will be understanding. Although hurt, she will be understanding. 

I also find if very odd that she wants to see you so bad. I have a very best girlfriend whom I rarely see. We pick up as if never separated when we do have a moment to get together. Is she beautiful, yes. Do I admire her, yes. Is that as far as it goes, yes!

I think your friend here is wanting to express herself a little more in person, emotionally, maybe seeing where she can get with you if you are alone together? Seeing how much she can get you to come out there.

I definitely think that she has something more for you than just friends. 

Also, it isn't fair to her if you make plans and bail. Especially if it is several times.

Where any of the reasons for not going actually due to the comment you made about you said she was trying to get into your pants?


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## kilgore (Dec 14, 2012)

maybe it would be easier to confront things head on with her??


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

Gonnabeallright, my husband knows everything. He appreciates Mable as a friend, but feels she is lacking in emotional immaturity and he doesn't like the way she treats me. 

I don't think there is sexual tension in our friendship. I do not have any desire to fool around or have a physical relationship with her. I only want to be with my husband. 

I think the tension is caused by Mable feeling like I do not make as much as an effort to see her as she would like, and her constantly bringing this up. 

With the exception of one time, Mable hasn't made a pass at me since before the wedding. She has gone into detail about a new girl crush she has, stating she will be soon making this girl her "girlfriend". 

I know I screwed up by bailing on her. I never should have made the plans in the first place. I've apologized to her for this. 

I don't like it when people pressure me into things. The reason I have not wanted to go see Mable or make more of an effort is that she is always trying to pressure me to do things (go see her in her neck of the woods, ect) and then making me feel guilty for having other plans, wanting to stay home and relax, not being interested in the activity she is proposing we do. I also don't like that I am expected to do things like take the bus for 3 hours to go see her for a sleepover and then take the bus for 3 hours to get home. 

This is frustrating for me, because I hate conflict and confrontation. I feel like when someone screws up, you should talk about it with them at the time and accept their apology and move on. I do not like the practice of accepting an apology but then taking that action and banking it to throw in that persons face at another time when they happen to do something that you don't agree with.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Details aside, it sounds to me that you're just not that into her.

She likely values the friendship more than you.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

First and foremost. That is not a FRIEND. Friend doesn't hit on you and has sexual desires towards you.

This is probably THE most important thing I got from your post. She made moves on you, this should automatically put her in the "no friend zone".....FOREVER.

Especially if you are in a relationship. What kind of a friend wants to break up their "friends relationship".

Again, sorry, that's not a friend.

Anyways, let's assume above is not even in the picture or never happened. Just for the sake of answering your question.

You are a bad friend for sure!!!

NOW, before I say this I want you to know that "friend" is a word that is used wrongly by MOST people so let me explain what "friend" means to me.

Friend is someone special in your life that you care, love and spend your time with doing things that you love. *Most people would be LUCKY to have HANDFUL of these types of people in their life.*

However, MOST have NONE but think they have many!!!

Under above assumption.....and again ignoring the first paragraph I wrote above.....

It seems like your friend has made way more effort than you for you 2 to be together. You said it yourself, she came down more than you went up. Also, fact that you won't drive there and bring your husband along is just wrong. 

You can't drive on the highway? Really? Sounds like you need practice.

Also your entire outlook on her location is a bit weird. Good friend will step outside of their comfort zone and embrace other locations/their friends preferences/likes FOR their friend.

You have little desire to go out there and think it's boring and there is nothing to do. IMO, that is a bit selfish and very closed minded. I'm also big on nature and outdoor life so perhaps my opinion is a bit swayed. But honestly, what is it that you find so appealing about over population and being surrounded by metal and concrete? I'm kind of opposite, not a fan and I'm assuming your "friend" is a well....YET she went outside of her box to visit you in the place where she got FAR FAR away from.

This is really no different than relationship. It's all about compromise, communication and companionship.

You are not delivering on compromise, somewhat on communication and have very little companionship.

It's a 2 way street. You will get as much from a friendship as you are willing to put in it.

It also seems like you have very little time or care for friendships which BTW is completely OK.

I'm on the same boat. I just don't put much emphasis on friends as I simply don't have time (or desire) to be a good friend and do the 50% that's required. READ: I'm a bad friend material based on where I am in my life and my priorities in life.

Even though we know a lot of people and have plenty of "friends", I can't really say that there is someone very special in my life that's a REAL friend. They all have families, lives and keep in touch here and there, but not on daily, weekly or sometimes even monthly basis. From time to time and I like it that way.

less is more. More people you have to deal with, more drama in your life and less time you have to focus on things that matter/are priority.

I also haven't really ever met someone that's worth being a TRUE friend with. I've had MANY "best friends" and tons of "friends" but it was more of a "someone to hang with at the time" vs anything else. And it seemed like many of the friends I had were just selfish and were never really "true" friends.

But I will tell you that when I was younger I was rather poor at selecting good people as friends.......quite the opposite (clearly based on what I wrote).


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Just because you WERE friends with someone doesn't mean you have to STAY friends with someone. We outgrow relationships all the time. Frankly, the two things that speed up that process for me is when friends have kids and when they move to the 'burbs. Either or both of those make it highly unlikely that we will have the time or interest in staying close. Not in every instance, but definitely most. And that just opens up space for new friends that you have more in common with. Just be honest and respectful, maybe a phone call instead of a meeting and let her know that you don't feel the same way you did and that perhaps its better if you changed your expectations of your friendship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

COGypsy said:


> Just because you WERE friends with someone doesn't mean you have to STAY friends with someone. We outgrow relationships all the time. . . . And that just opens up space for new friends that you have more in common with.


:iagree:


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## WallaceBea (Apr 7, 2014)

So I screwed up. I am learning about myself that I might like friendships of convenience, although I do have other girlfriends who live a few towns over and I've never had these problems with them. They understand if something comes up or if I have to cancel/change plans. 
I've been trying to text with Mable and make small talk, but all I am getting back is attitude. I am trying not to get too caught up on this though. If she doesn't want to talk and allow me to apologize, then so be it. 
I am not one to hold onto grudges or hold something against someone for a lengthy amount of time. 
Thank you to everyone who replied to my thread. I really took your opinions and thoughts to heart, and have been contemplating them all week. I don't want to be a lousy friend. I do want to be friends with people who will allow me to be vulnerable though, and who will accept my apology and more forward with me when I screw up.


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## sjmoon (May 26, 2014)

i would say that "mable" needs to get her head out of her.....flowers and be a little more of a common-sense person. 

3 hours on a bus on a regular basis? short notice early saturday morning appointment? nope. 

she clearly has different expectations of friendship than you do. 
try and sit on that bus for once to get to her, sit down for coffee, and talk straight.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If I had a friend that constantly blew me off, I prob would not want to be "friends" with them. 

Your posts reads conflicted--you like friends of convenience/when it's ok for you and cancel on her all the time... and yet you also say she wants at you romantically and that she is giving you attitude, gets mad if you don't automatically want to hang.

It doesn't sound like you even like her that much. 

If you aren't into it/her/the friendship, then stop trying to make it happen. There is a healthy balance to everything. The thing that really stood out to me is that you say you are into friendships of convenience...and if you meant that in the sense, of only when they work for you/in the way you want them, then that is not a good things. Friendships, like all relationships (good ones) should be reciprocal.

Now, a 3 hour trip is no walk in the park... so she should be understanding that you can't see her all the time or drop your life to hang with her when she is in town. But blowing someone off constantly is rude, too. I say just talk to her about it...if you want to. If not, move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ashalicious said:


> I cancelled plans with her a few times, plans we had for my husband and I to go out to visit her. My husband is the one who has to drive to Mable's home when we go visit her, (I have my license but do not drive much and am not confident to drive on the highway by myself yet)
> 
> because I do not want to sit on a bus for 3 hours, that I do not make enough of an effort with our friendship.
> 
> ...


Honestly, I don't blame her. If she's not important enough for you to (1) get over your nerves so you can drive there, (2) be willing to take a trip on a bus to see her, (3) stop minimizing your fault in this, or (4) give up sleeping in on the one day she comes to town...well, you've made it pretty clear where your priorities are, haven't you? 

And there _is _such a thing as an alarm clock.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ashalicious said:


> I don't want to be a lousy friend. I do want to be friends with people who will allow me to be vulnerable though, and who will accept my apology and more forward with me when I screw up.


How many apologies should she be willing to accept? How many blow-offs are you allowed? What exactly is your definition of being 'vulnerable?' Sounds more like you just want people to do for YOU rather than the other way around.

My DD23 has a friend who, since she had her baby, has stopped going anywhere. In 2 years, has gone to someone else's house fewer than 5 times. Yet she sits at home all day griping on the internet how nobody loves her, she has no friends, nobody is a decent friend, and everyone is a piece of crap for not coming to see her. Someone FINALLY said something to her the other day in response about 'if you want someone to be a friend, maybe you should try being THEIR friend first'. She hasn't griped again since. And she invited DD23 to a picnic this weekend. It really does work both ways.


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