# He cant get over what I said



## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

For a long time I was not very intimate wiht my husband. I had no real desire for sex or even lovey dovey mushy kissing and holding. I could not tell anyone why I behaved like this. I personally didnt like that I was like that. I was not even interested in self gratification.Which is VERY weird for me. I have always been a very sexual person. I have always love touching. 
I did research and came up with many different things that could have been contributing factors. It started when I was pregnant with what would be our last child, I became a stay at home mom, my dad almost died from diabetes and having a stroke/heart attack, my parents almost lost their house, then he was cheating on my mom, then they were separating, selling their house, divorcing, my mom now lives with us, I have three kids, my husband was out of work for a year. I could go on and on. 

Any ways I at one point told him that "I dont know why I am like this. I just dont have ANY urges. I dont like it. But its just something you need to deal with if you love me."

Wow!! I was a bi*&h to him. I have never been good at expressing things the proper way obviously.

So now that things for me are better and I do have all my urges and feeling back he cant get over it. I never expected him to just get over it and move on. I know that time cause us problems. But now he says that he does care for me, he loves me but is not IN love with me but all he keeps hearing is those words I said to him.. 

He is dwelling on those words that I know hurt him but they are holding him back from moving on and fixing our marriage. He even told me last night that he "Remembers how happy and in love we were before all this happened. I just want to be like that again. But I just cant get what and how you said things to me the past year."


What do I do? WHat should he do? Is it possible for him to move past hurtful things I said? I am falling apart because my words are haunting me and keeping us from working on what we do have and trying to get back to what we did have.

Please help!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your husband has been hurt deeply, it is a wound, he is holding on to it, maybe afraid it can happen again, so why open himself up. He is holding onto some resentment in this area. Mentally we can really screw ourselves up, even hamper our lives & happiness when we hold onto these things. 

You can not change what he is thinking, if he refuses or has some mental block here, BUT on your end, you can do many things to help him see the light, feel the change and want to flow with it and be more than willing to forgive. It may take some time.... 

First start by becoming that young passionate girl he fell in love with. If he was the Aggressor back then and you basically played the role of "receptive" lover, you will have to learn how to step it up, become the Aggressor yourself , to show him you are truly a new woman & have great desires to get back to what you once shared. 

For the time, try not to talk about the past as it seems you are stuck, other than offering & sharing that you NOW understand his pain & ask for forgivness (I assume you have done this). 

Then begin to DAILY/nightly show him much affection & arouse him physically, become the passion filled wife he missed this past year, show him where your desire is NOW.
Flirt, get out the lingerie, act as though you are dating again, that you want this as much as he does - since he said he does. 

Surely this will lead to his being more than Receptive in return, NEW sensual memories will be made and this will break his resentment down slowly and surely.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Words are worse than anything else you can do to someone sometimes. What you said hurt him deeply. It's unfortunate that you had such difficulty in expressing yourself to him. I know how it is, to a point. My problem is not so much that I say hurtful things, as that I hold back and keep everything in, until it builds in my mind to be a much bigger issue than it really is. That hurts him nearly as much as saying hurtful things, because he feels I don't trust him if I don't talk to him.

I think the only thing you can really do right now is to keep telling him how sorry you are and try to prove to him that the things you said are not how you really feel. Counseling might help, too. Not only to help him get past what you said, but also to help you learn how to express yourself in better ways so that things like this don't continue to happen.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like you expressed yourself honestly and with compassion. It's a very common problem and you admitted to him that you didn't understand the cause. I don't see why he's so upset.


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## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

ladtbug81 said:


> He even told me last night that he "Remembers how happy and in love we were before all this happened. I just want to be like that again. *But I just cant get what and how you said things to me the past year."*


Could it be that year was filled with more hurtful things being said than just that?


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thank you all you have given me alot to think about and try.

I made an appointment with a marriage counselor, the soonest is over a week away. 

unbelievable-My husband grew up in a home that had no emotions or feelings. He has never learned about emotions until we fell in love. He sai it himself that he does not know how to deal with his feeling of hurt.

ButterflyKisses-I'm sure it was filled with more issues but to be honest allof them come right back to here, and that I do have a problem trusting fully when it comes to the opposite sex.

atruckersgirl-sometimes I keep things in too. I keep them to myself to not cause any more problem than there are already.

SimplyAmorous-You gave me alot of really good advice and it all sounds so nice in theory. But How do I get past him not having those same emotions towards me anymore? Is it right to try to have sex and be intimate with him knowing he is not in love with me?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

ladtbug81,

I can understand your wanting a solution to your issue but you have been told pretty much what to do. However, none of these will guarantee that he will be "in love" with you like you want. All you can do is do your best to show him that you desire him like he wanted you to. You know that he is hurt but do you really know why? As men, we feel that we truly connect with our women through being intimate. When you shut that down, you pretty much told him that you didn't want to connect with him. Translation: You didn't love him. And, the blunt way that you told him to deal with it didn't help. 

One of the things that I have learned in my life is that not everything can be taken back. He is in a place where he is shutting himself off to protect himself. This is because he does not trust you to not do this to him again. I think that counseling will help but ultimately, he needs to trust you again. This can only be accomplish through time. By showing him that you love and desire him. I have no clue as to whether or not you two should be intimate at this point. What I do know is that his feelings have been hurt and it may take a long time for them to heal. Good luck.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

Orion,

every thing you said sounds like it just came from him. Its all true. I know I hurt him. But on another note he did stay with me through it all. He did try so hard to love me when I couldn't love him back. He did feel like my behavior was because of me not loving and wanting him. But I have tried so hard to tell him that was not the case. I did and still do love him very much. I hate that I but this boulder in between us like this. I dont expect EVERYTHING I do or say to make it go away. I dont expect him to just fall back in love with me because now I am more aware of his feelings and needs of intemicy. But I do need to try. 
I made a counseling appointment for us already its in just over a week. He agrees to going with me and has no problem with it. I guess your right and that only time will heal this.

What would you want or need from your wife to at least help the process of forgivness and moving past it?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

I can relate to him because a) I am a man and b) my wife and I are going through something similar. She is depressed due to several outside issues and just has very little desire right now. What I would need is for my spouse to act like the woman that I married. Be flirty with me, be touchy-feely (if that's what you used to be), but most importantly, be open about how you feel. See, he's probably not trying to initiate right now because he has been taken out of that mode. I can relate. I recently made up my mind that damn it, I am the man and I am taking it there when I feel like it. Hopefully, if you continue to work on yourself and be the woman that he remembers, he can be the man that you need. Also, if you know that there are things that you can wear, say, do that he likes (i.e. that makes him feel like getting intimate) feel free to employ those things. It's possible that he's going to need a slight push (or a big shove) for a while before he feels comfortable.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thank you. Its interesting and in a way helpful to know that its not just us that go through this kind of issue. You sound like you feel and act the same as what he has expressed to me. 

I have just been distant and acting like he does not care so why go out of my way to include him. But I think I will try to go back to the way things wer no matter how he feels right now. In the sense I will include him again with the kids and my day and how I feel. A big one for himis that he likes to be met at the door when he gets home. Its silly but thats what he likes. I have stopped that cause I had been feeling, Why should I do those things if he does not love me anymore.

Thank you for your insight Orion.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

At least she's trying. I don't understand how some people can passively watch their spouse's pain and misery for years and not even attempt to relieve it. The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference, the cruelest of all emotions. Ignoring, disregarding, or making fun of someone's legitimate pain is tantamount to murdering them without actually killing the body. It's dehumanizing and sends them the message that they just don't matter and therefore, don't exist. Imagine drowning while the person you love most in the world stands on the shore, sees you, but just grins and looks away. Do that every day for a few years.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

ladtbug81 said:


> Thank you. Its interesting and in a way helpful to know that its not just us that go through this kind of issue. You sound like you feel and act the same as what he has expressed to me.
> 
> I have just been distant and acting like he does not care so why go out of my way to include him. But I think I will try to go back to the way things wer no matter how he feels right now. In the sense I will include him again with the kids and my day and how I feel. A big one for himis that he likes to be met at the door when he gets home. Its silly but thats what he likes. I have stopped that cause I had been feeling, Why should I do those things if he does not love me anymore.
> 
> Thank you for your insight Orion.


You are welcome. I can relate to your hubby but he and I are in different positions. My wife intermittently wants to have sex while you have returned to "yourself" in that regard. Also, I came to grips with the fact that it "wasn't about me" which has helped. Your hubby needs to get to that point. Also, I recognized things that I need to do that could help (i.e. being more assertive and initiating). I had gotten out of that practice because after getting rejected or a half-assed affirmative response to the suggestion of sex, I didn't feel like trying. Now, I am balancing being supportive of my wife's position while making an effort to have my needs met too. And, we are getting better. Again, when I realized that it wasn't about me, that helped a lot. Do keep me posted on you guys' progress and feel free to ask any questions that you need to. Again, good luck.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am glad you know how serious what you did is and what's at stake.

I left my wife over this issue, among other compatibility issues.

Speaking as a man in his shoes who has been given that ultimatum - "Love me without any sex". . .well, he has followed that ultimatum. . .in a way, just like that new age move "The Secret" - you put out that command to the universe and the universe obeyed. He loves you, but is not "in love with you" now.

He now loves you that way and it took some times for the universe to execute your command. 

It will take time to execute your command the other way now - "Love me with sex."

I read an interesting blurb on marriage the other day when perusing the internet for some religious references. . .the woman wrote, "THe couple must be open to bringing forgiveness into the marriage."

I thought that was eloquently stated - like rather than him reaching deep inside himself to find forgiveness. . .it was like something you allow to be brought in. Makes it easier to grasp. . .I perhaps have to allow forgiveness into my divorce.

If he can do that, I think it's salvagable.

Good luck.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't be surprised if you find out that what you "said" wasn't as hurtful to him as what you "did". Withholding sex (at least to me) feels a lot like total abandonment. That "mushy dovey mushy" stuff is important to a relationship. I was "cut off" once for 6 months. It's tough to get past. Now, if I go without it a couple weeks, I wonder if it's going to be another 6 months again, or maybe never. If, for no explanation, you went into a coma for a few months or years and emerged ok, every time you closed your eyes, your husband would panic that you'd be leaving the relationship again.


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## goalie (Sep 7, 2010)

After 30 yrs of marriage with wife's sex life up and down - I know the feeling when everything is up and running ok and not knowing when it can disappear. Might be TMI but below is chronic disease that afflicts more women than is publicly acknowledged after menopause so my first recommendation to any women in her reproductive years is to live your sexual life to its fullest - it may not last forever. 

If you want to know how sex is related to men - read this article 

Townhall - When a Woman Isn't in the Mood: Part I

Menopause has been particularly evil to our sex life. Not only zero libido but now she is diagnosed with lichen simplex chronicus with vagina atrophy. Basically her sex life and gentalia are melting away. Cannot have penetration even if aroused as the gentalia is no longer recognizable. There is a saying: use it or lose it. Our doctor said that this could have been preventable if there was sex in the last couple of yrs.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I am sorry to hear of your situation. Surely, it would be great if you could take that back. Unforunately for the both of you you cannot. It also sounds like you did't come back to him the next day or next week appologizing....

Discard what others are saying who minimize what you said. As a man saying what you said is like saying "if you don't like it...leave" or pretty close. Realizing and saying you were a B#%ch is accurate but, admitting it doesn't heal the wound. Your circumstances should allow you some room for latitude for what you did but, his hurt is justified. 

Agreed with others. You should show some real effort to be the passionate woman he married. It is likely that there were many discussions that let up to your comments that were predicated by your neglect in this area. If i were him, I would question whether there will always be problems in this area and wonder if it wouldn't be some sort of ongoing (ok I'll have sex with you sex,sex) to keep him (for now). 

good luck.


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## ladtbug81 (Aug 31, 2010)

Goalie-I do not think I have to worry about that as I am only 28. But thank you for a heads up.


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