# lack of intimacy



## busymum (Oct 16, 2012)

I have a great husband, we have almost been married 10 yrs and have 3 kids 8yrs,5yrs,3yrs.
We never have any time alone so I know that doesnt help. Hubby works hard, I pretty much do everything for the kids and the housework. I realize I resent him sometimes because he is a bit lazy when it comes to helping with the kids. I feel he is grumpy often because the lack of intimacy. 
I might add that I am on anti depressants which may affect libido.
The problem is me, I have lost the need/want to be intimate. Do you think this means you are no longer attracted to your partner. What would you do ? 
Please no nasty replies, I'm new here


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Welcome busymom. I doubt you'll get any nasty replies. 

A number of issues are evident. Yes I believe he is grumpy from lack of intimacy. You are tired from being a SAHM ( stay at home mom) all day and perhaps sex seems like just one more thing to do when you'd rather just sleep. Anti-depressants are known to lower libido. 

But most of all I think you would do we'll to get some alone time with one another. Date night. Hope that helps.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It doesn't mean you are no longer attracted to your husband it means you've got a lot on your plate.

1) no time alone with your husband

2) no help or support with kids (aka you're going it alone)

3) he's grumpy which makes you feel even worse

4) you're depressed

Is he willing to help you with any of this? You know think win/win.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> It doesn't mean you are no longer attracted to your husband it means you've got a lot on your plate.
> 
> 1) no time alone with your husband
> 
> ...


This. Additionally, as a SAHM of kids that young, I assume you have kids with you 24/7, and as such, do you ever get any alone time, or time for just yourself, or even time with your friends?

Getting out of the house once in a while can do wonders for you. Just shedding the burden of responsibility for a few hours can be like a ton of bricks off your mind and shoulders.

Have you sat and talked to him about this issue? Maybe just realizing your point of view and how a little extra help would help get you in the mood would do the trick. 

It's also possible he's not helping you out with the kids due to a lack of sex. I'm not saying he's doing so on purpose, but the lack of sex may be causing him to withdraw from you, and as a by-product of that he's pulling away from the kids as well since they are around you so much. He may even subconciously be viewing them as a burden and interpreting them as the obstacle between you and him sexually.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Busy,
The AD's often reduce/kill a woman's sex drive. 

There are different levels of desire:
1. the usual - you start out wanting to
2. responsive - you start out in neutral but relax and he gets you in the mood and it ends up being really fun for you
3. not very responsive but not bad - you don't get super turned on - but enough that it feels "nice"
4. you don't get turned on at all and it feels bad

If you are (2), and he is treating you like you are (1), then a few things are happening:
- He is going to fast, he is french kissing you before you feel any desire - which might not be so fun - touching you in directly sexual ways before you are ready - also not fun. 
- This makes the beginning part feel bad to you - and then it eventually gets better


If you are (3), and he is going to fast, same deal as 2, but worse. 

If you are at (4), it is time to start thinking about some alternatives. The most minimal is you giving him a really good HJ - with some lubricant this can be a very good experience for him
- if you are ok with bjs when not turned on - he will like that as well

AND AND AND - you need to teach him a bunch of non-sexual affection that you like. Hugs, massages, whatever. The physical side of your marriage needs to be 2 way even if what you receive isn't explicitly sexual. 

It is also ok - if you are in (3-4) mode, to give him a schedule. Be nice about the schedule. This is a man who is working hard to support you and 3 kids. If you dislike even giving him a good HJ, something is pretty badly broken and you need to tell him what that is. Meaning - if you need him to come to bed cleaner/teeth brushed better/whatever - TELL him. 

Straight talk is ok. 

Babe - I love you - The AD's have killed my desire. I know this is making you unhappy. I want to try a new routine:
- X times a week we will do this
- I do need you to shower/.../... before bed though 

AND, on the same nights, or alternating nights I would like you to rub my back, feet, ....

If you do not make this effort, you may gradually end up in a place that you do not like. If you do make this effort, you can hold your head high that you are being a good and committed wife. 

Do NOT pretend to feel desire you don't have. That is bad for you and bad for him. And don't let him lay a big guilt trip on you for not feeling lust. 

But don't sit back and do the "I am tired" thing. Many women have to work full time and their H's still demand a fair amount of sex or are very difficult to be around or cheat. Not saying that is right. Just saying you should be aware that to other women, your hardworking, committed H, would be a catch. 

This can work. He needs to accept your lack of desire. And you need to accept that he has a LOT of desire and a lack of sex is making him tense and feel unloved. 

I am in year 23 of a great marriage. I love my W. She has always gone the extra mile for me in bed - despite menopause doing to her what your AD's are doing to you. 

Which is a big reason why I turn down the offers I get from other women....



busymum said:


> I have a great husband, we have almost been married 10 yrs and have 3 kids 8yrs,5yrs,3yrs.
> We never have any time alone so I know that doesnt help. Hubby works hard, I pretty much do everything for the kids and the housework. I realize I resent him sometimes because he is a bit lazy when it comes to helping with the kids. I feel he is grumpy often because the lack of intimacy.
> I might add that I am on anti depressants which may affect libido.
> The problem is me, I have lost the need/want to be intimate. Do you think this means you are no longer attracted to your partner. What would you do ?
> Please no nasty replies, I'm new here


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## busymum (Oct 16, 2012)

Thankyou, all the above replies are much appreciated. I was a bit scared to post because I read some previous threads and some replies seemed a bit shallow and harsh. 

For the first time in a long time, 3 kids later and almost 10 yrs of marriage, I am giving this "major issue" alot of thought. I am going to try my best, slowly maybe, but surely. 

I think I have realised that it is shallow to think that a person should leave a marriage just because they are questioning if they are still attracted to their partner. As we both age, many years down the track, obviously our figures and looks may change. I think if all aspects of the relationship are good, the rest should fall into place. I think it's been a vicious cycle in this house and I could ramble on....... 

When talking about physical attraction when we started out dating, I was not really attracted to him or maybe he wasn't my type (physical looks) Even though he was "model" material, so my friends at the time thought. I became very attracted to him overtime. 

A few factors may have got us to this point : 


- we have never had a whole night without kids since our son was born 8 years ago. We both have demanding ( elderley and disabled) that require alot of our help and they are not really able to babysit.

- my husband has struggled to quit smoking and has therefore put on some weight since we met 12 yrs ago. 

- because I have to do everything for the kids and housework I resent him at times and he may subconsciously feel the attention has shifted to the kids and they are the blame for the lack of intimacy. 

- I started to resent him because he would come home late and would rather be socialising with work colleagues and having a beer than coming home . I understand that home wasn't appealing, 3 (under school age)very young kids at "witching hour" that needed me and no attention for him.

- he is an only child so I sometimes fell like his "mother" as he does little around the house.

- also maybe i should add that I find it difficult to orgasm. * blushes and hides* 


I think, by being on this forum, buying a few self help books to read and taking the time to concentrate on these issues may just be the start to working things out


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

BusyMum, I think you are on the right track and have a good handle on what is going on. You didn't say much about his personality or how much you two communicate. I know coming from the other side of this equation that I might not react well/appropriately with this type of discussion. *Unless* you started it with the way you started your 1st post.

If the first words out of my W's mouth were "you're a great husband" and the discussion was framed around "us", I would be very receptive - even appreciative. Even if you feel it, try to avoid blame. Men tend to get defensive, go on the attack or just shut down with this stuff. But underneath, I think most of us want to do anything to make our W's happy.

MEM - that was an awesome post!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *busymum said:*
> 
> - because I have to do everything for the kids and housework I resent him at times and he may subconsciously feel the attention has shifted to the kids and they are the blame for the lack of intimacy.
> 
> ...


You may very well be an "*Acts of Service*" woman...his helping you with the kids/ the house would make you feel LOVED, cherished....and may want more of his *TIME* in being with the family.... and he may be "*TOUCH*" - which very much frustrates him , causing his overt grumpiness .... so he starts to avoid, coming home later ....Mismatched Love languages going on here.... both need to take time for each other, to fill each others love tanks... this will help... Book link and tests on this thread >>








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html


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## smilinatu (Jan 9, 2012)

BusyMum, just the fact that you are thinking about this issue and have a desire to improve the situation tells me how lucky your husband is to have you. 

I have no idea about your financial situation, but a life of unhappiness is much costlier than a babysitter. Swap babysitting with another couple if you have to. Husband stays and cares for your kids while you babysit for the friends; then they do it for you. You have to get out alone, regularly. Not to a movie where you sit in silence. Instead, try a dinner or a picnic by a river or lake or whatever is near. Don't expect that first date to be like going to the prom. It is going to take some time to even remember how to date each other.

First, you have to enlist his support for your effort to become emotionally and sexually close again. Then you need to start to talk about this. Have you ever had marriage counseling? I ask that, but what I really want to know is do you know how to communicate? Please start the conversation slowly and non-judgmentally. Things like: 1. You want to work with him to make things better for him and you. 2. You recognize that some of this is because you are overwhelmed at home and you know that he is overwhelmed by work, too. 3. You would like to work together to try and bring back the good old days and you hope he does, too. "I sometimes feel like...." or "I occasionally wonder if ..." works much better than, " you never ...."

Lather all this with lots of affectionate, not sexy, contact and words. My guess is that you both need to learn how to smile at each other again, too. 

I wish you all the best in your efforts. Please know that I think you are great just for having the courage to raise this issue here. I'll be thinking about you.


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## CynthiaBelmer (Oct 14, 2012)

If you are experiencing loneliness in your relationship and if it has been hard for you to open up to your partner. There are simple steps that might help you initiate an open and loving conversation to request your needs:

Steps to Overcome Fear of Intimacy | Cynthia Belmer


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