# could use some help



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I put my story in another thread but a quick summary of what happened is 2 months ago H came home from work called me out to the car and told me he was leaving (after almost 25 yrs of marriage -we married young me20 & him22) when I suggested counciling he said no there was someone else and it had been going on for a while. I found out two weeks later he moved directly in with OW. He still has never said why he wasn't happy or who is he with or where he is living ( that I found out on my own and it turns out they are living in the same town as me and the kids) our kids are d23 s20 & s14 so there really is no reason for contact. He gives me most of his pay to keep things going and he gives that to the kids each week. He meets with them in different places they agree on because kids don't want to go to his house where he is living. They don't want to meet OW.
I have kept away from him with no contact. I did write one e mail 3 weeks after he left to spill out my side and to try to find out what he was thinking. He did call but did not answer anything. Just said we could meet and talk but never made plans and I was not about to put myself out there again and beg.

I had a horrible time for the first 6-7 weeks. I lost 35 lbs & had constant roller coaster emotions. I would just break out crying. I know I was by no means perfect but I couldn't understand how it happened so suddenly. In December we were still making plans for the future still sleeping in the same bed (we were still in the same bed the night before he left) we were still having normal "relations" until 10 days before he left. (His ulcer started to bother him really bad-now I know why)

The past week or so I have been better. I used to entertain ideas that maybe his new relationship would go down in flames and he'd come back and we could go to counceling and re start but then I realized it was silly plus I don't want to be a backup plan for him. Hes very set in his ways and I don't think he feels any need to work on things.I know the kids are more relaxed and are okay (all kids still live at home college grad works - she was planning on moving out but has put it on hold for now son is in college & other son is in high school). I have re established friendships that I gave up 25 years ago when I married him and don't want to loose that again.

But the past few days have not gone well. The roller coaster is back (although not as severe or intense as when it first happened) and I don't know if this is normal. I don't want to go back to where this all started. I feel I'm coming along slowly and am making progress but don't want to slide all the way back.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

hey small I think i replied to your other thread, im sorry for your pain, a lot of us have been there. What you are experiencing is completely normal. Its just going to take time. You are doing the right things, limited contact and working on yourself. You will have some good days and then all of a sudden BAM you will be hit with a bad day. Its been a about a year and half+ for me since it all started and I still have occasional down days, its ok. If you dont feel the pain and work thru it you will never get past it.

Are you planning on filing for divorce?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Not right now because I have been out of the workforce for 25 years and since he is giving me enough right now to keep things going I'm using this time to look for part time work and probably go back to school. I have spoken to a lawyer to know what my rights are and what to expect and what to do when the time comes. Yes I think you did respond on my first thread. I felt a little more together when I wrote that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm very sorry for your pain. I've been reading this book, "the Marriage Mender" and it describes marriages going through three natural stages, beginning with infatuation and ending with "mature" love. In between these two is a negotiation phase with four subparts. For brevity, folks fall in love (infatuation), get married, figure out they didn't get exactly what they thought they would (shattered expectations), engage in energized conflict, that doesn't work, so they get into a stalemate where they avoid conflict, that eventually leads to boredom/autonomy where each partner is doing their own thing. In that phase, the "we" impulse is at it's lowest and the "me" impulse is at it's highest. The danger of one party giving up and just bailing is at it's highest at that point. From the length of time you have been married, I'd guess your marriage must have hit that boredom/autonomy stage (at least for your husband). It is an awful shame, though. So much time invested. Maybe this new thing will fizzle out and you two will get a chance to fix this marriage. I really hope so. Hate to see such long-term marriages end.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

small from what you have written here you seem to have a good handle on things. Just keep moving forward one step at a time. Really it will get better.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Do you have a good support system of friends/family? I found that to be invaluable...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Unbelievable you are probably right. Im pretty sure I was feeling that way too but was trying to figure out how we would move past it. I knew we were entering a transition because the kids were getting older and after a couple of miscarriages a few years ago we knew there would be no more children. One of the things that attracted me to him was the fact that his parents were married so long (both have passed away in recent years) and he had strong feelings about marriage and infidelity. Being a child of divorce this was important to me since I never wanted my children to go through what I went through. I also never wanted to go through a divorce myself. A small part of me hopes someday for us to put this back together but its way too painful to deal with and I find I do better if I don't entertain the idea right now.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Yes I do have a very good support system thank goodness. My family and friends have been there for me. Ive been able to reconnect with old friends who I have missed. My kids since they are older have circled around me and we are dealing with this together. It is some of the few positives which has come out of this situation.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I am sorry for what you are going through. My husband of 22 years recently did something similar, only he made me homeless. We lived overseas and I was out of country for medical stuff. He kept me from being able to go back home. Nice huh? All I have is the suitcase with clothes that don't fit anymore (60lb weight loss). He won't speak to our grown son. I guess he didn't really want to be a dad either.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Salt I am so sorry for your situation. Its terrible. I don't understand what goes through their minds? What country are you from?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know why but I feel terrible today. Lots of anxiety. Its a crummy day here so that isn't helping.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Is there something that you can do to get out of the house today and get your mind off things?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Did go out and shovel some snow. Talked to some friends on the phone. Feeling a little better.H texted to see if I wanted him to pick up S from school since its snowing & hes working local. Said no but thanks cause I kept him home today. First time I heard from him in weeks. I feel okay though.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

That's really good small, just the fact that you could get that text from him and not be reeling from it should show you how strong you are.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

You sound like a real strong woman and have a good head on your shoulders. I'm proud of you for that. I've been going through the same thing you are for months now....waiting for the divorce to finalize. Best thing for you and your children is to keep moving forward and not let his roller coaster drag you in. It's really hard to do, but it's best for your health and sanity.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks for the support! I'm trying. Cant wait for some sun and warmth it usually puts me in a better frame of mind. Makes me think of the good things that can happen. We get to push the clocks ahead this weekend which means more daylight. I'm looking forward to that!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I really love your positive attitude!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks. I have a question that has been bothering me since last night. Can a person change his personality? I mean his core personality. Let me explain H left a car here when he moved out. Recently he told my son he was going to take it. We've had some horrible weather here the past 4 days. Really bad winds followed by snow. When my son cleaned off the car yesterday there was crack right across the windshield. When he looked closer it looked like a small nick right in the middle and then spread out evenly on each side. Now H when he lived at home was a yeller. Everything was a tragedy. I have a very calm personality so it worked. I could deal with his outbursts. So I expected the worst when he found out but he tells our son oh well nothing we could do about it now. WHAT????? My first thought was where was this person when we were married. Then I was pissed because I thought could he have changed that much from being with someone else. Then my last thought was could it be hes on such shaky ground with the kids he doesn't dare loose his temper. Of course it made me sad because I would love to have been married to that person. So I guess my question is do you think a leopard can change their spots that quickly or easily?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Smallsteps- IMO, Yes, I think a person can change their personality. In my case, my ex was the nicest, calmest, most rational person i've ever met. Ever since I found out about his affair, he turned into the most angry, hateful, scary person. (look at some of my posts). It's like he changed from day to night. 

I'm thinking in your husband's case A) Maybe he just doesn't care anymore or B) He want to be on the kid's good side?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I'm not sure. It has never been in his nature to be calm. I worked with him for a year before we started dating & knew he had a loud side. I think we were 2 months into our marriage the first time i dealt with it directly. Heck his own mother when she was alive couldn't take him after a while when he would take her shopping & running errands and would send him home. Unfortunately my 2'older kids have this trait - not as bad but its there. I don't know what to think. All I know is hes very charming and nice when you first meet him but the more you get to know him and peel away the layers you see the other side. I guess it bothers me because I am sure he painted me the nasty villain to the OW (and anyone else who will listen to him) and I guess I'm hoping she'll experience the ugly side of him sooner or later. That's why I'm hoping that he just wants to be Mr nice guy to the kids. They are way too old to be fooled and like I said hes skating on thin ice with them and he knows it


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Had an okay type of day. Weekends are always hard but getting better. Kids were all home so i was distracted. Had a splitting headache I couldn't get rid of. I went outside because it was beautiful out. Soggy as heck but warm. Thats what happens when you have a 59 degree day after 5 inches of snow fell the day before. I put on my I pod listened to my I don't give a sxxt songs. It made me feel better and the kids didn't have to deal with me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Oh lord what a bad day. Kids went for weekly lunch meeting with WH and ive spent the day crying and upset. Its a nice day so I got out here & there. I'm trying to think positive thoughts and chase this blue feeling away but it doesn't seem to be working


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

It's okay to cry and be upset. I've done it many times. You just have to stay positive and focus on the positives and not dwell on the negatives. ((HUGS))


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Thanks. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Looking forward to watching my shows on tv tonight & getting a good nights sleep


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

How are you doing today small?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Doing a little better thanks. Just got off the phone with an old friend ive known since we were 12. We haven't spoken in like 30 yrs. It was nice to hear from him. Hopefully I can keep this momentum going and be in a better mood. I feel terrible about these weekends because right now my kids are there for me & want to be around but I'm afraid if I keep slipping into these sad moods they're not going to stick around.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

I really liked rekindling a lot of my old friendships, sometimes you loose yourself in a marriage, it makes things easier when you find yourself again. 

Im sure your kids will continue to be there for you. Its ok to be sad, you have been thru a lot recently, just try not to get lost in the sadness. 

Do you have any plans for this week?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Not really. H wants to come get his car he left behind so I know I have to deal with that sometime this week. I would really like to start getting my house back in order. After packing up all his stuff when this first happened ive really only done necessary cleaning. I would love to start re organizing and spring cleaning. I just seem to be stuck. I make a plan then I don't get it done


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Getting rid of his stuff will help you feel better tremendously...Just start one drawer at a time. After my exh left he had some pictures on the wall that I never liked, I took them down and replaced them with picture of flowers ( he always hated flowers) just doing that made me feel better.

Can you let one of your kids be there when he picks up the car, so you dont have to deal with him?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Getting rid of his stuff is the first step in healing, IMO. It was too hard for me to see his clothes (or anything) in our bedroom. After the kids and i cleared his stuff, ALL of us did a cleansing (anything that reminded us of dad) and rearranged our rooms. 

We felt refreshed and renewed. It was a change, a new start. The hard part was getting yourself to actually do it. Once you start, you'll find yourself not wanting to stop until it's done. lol


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

My son and I put all his stuff in the car hes coming to get when he first left. Your right I couldn't look at it. Now its a matter of reorganizing. I couldn't go into his old dressers so I filled them with things I don't need every day. I still don't know if I can use them. This morning I think I caught him trying to go down our block ( I live on a dead end so he'd have no need to go down the block). I was pulled over at the stop sign because my son was checking his backpack & I saw a car that looked like his coming toward me then swing into a driveway but I know the driveway he went into does not have a car like his. Whatever- it doesn't bug me. Yes my kids will be there. The older ones will handle it. Hes been talking to them about it anyway not me


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Ugh what a horrid day ive had! Let thoughts get into my head and could not get rid of them to save my life! SIL called while I was in the middle of a breakdown & talked me through it. I was doing pretty well last week & now I feel like I'm sliding backward. I have to stop letting my mind get away from me.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm glad your SIL was able to help you get through it. I find that talking to someone you trust helps a lot. It's okay to feel like you're backsliding. You're human and it's a lot to process. HUGS


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I try to touch base with someone every day but yesterday was just one of those days. After I spoke to her I - sat down & watched hells kitchen with my kids. I was feeling better by bedtime & was abke to sleep ok. She had to snap me out of the constant cycle going on in my head.
How are you doing? I hope everything is ok. You have that biopsy tomorrow right?


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Im glad you were able to sleep small. That was probably the hardest part for me, I couldn't sleep, all the thoughts always in my head. Unfortunately, still have problems sleeping.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Those nights I cant sleep are terrible! I know what you mean. Then it spills into the next day because your not yourself from lack of sleep. Its a vicious cycle. I try to think good thoughts or I pray or talk to my grandmother who passed on. I ask for clarity & strenghth. Sometimes it works. Then I usually fall asleep.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

its totally a vicious cycle!  
How are you feeling today? Did he get the car yet?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> I try to touch base with someone every day but yesterday was just one of those days. After I spoke to her I - sat down & watched hells kitchen with my kids. I was feeling better by bedtime & was abke to sleep ok. She had to snap me out of the constant cycle going on in my head.
> How are you doing? I hope everything is ok. You have that biopsy tomorrow right?


Im hanging in there. Yes, my biopsy is tomorrow at 3pm. No eating from midnight till after surgery. That's a looooong time!


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Unsure- feeling better today thanks. No hes not coming for the car today. Told my son he wants to come for it Saturday. That's fine but its the dogs birthday that day (the dog is like our child - long story) & my son wondered if that's why the change to pick up the car. I have told him I don't want him seeing the dog at the house because unlike a human - she doesn't understand this man that lived here is leaving again. In the days after he left she just sat by the door - it broke our hearts so I don't want to put her through that again. If he wants to see her its in a neutral place.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Left With 4.5 said:


> Im hanging in there. Yes, my biopsy is tomorrow at 3pm. No eating from midnight till after surgery. That's a looooong time!


Ugh that stinks! Why do they make you wait? They should get these surgeries done first thing in the morning. They did that to my son. They didn't take him into surgery until like 3:30-4 it was ridiculous!
Well good luck tomorrow and I'll be sending good thoughts your way!


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

aww poor puppy  when my ex left one of my two dogs started peeing everywhere, you could tell he was really affected by it. What type of pup do you have?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Shes a English bulldog/boxer mix. I had the opposite problem. Not only did she sit by the door but after 2 days (he would travel on business - although now I wonder how many of those were business trips - so she was used to him going away for a day or two - she wouldn't go at all. We kept walking her & she refused


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am so sorry you are going through this. The selfishness of these spouses that just think they can walk away from their families kills me. No care about the pain they leave in their wake of their destruction. I understand about the weight loss, Im -55lbs now, I understand about the lack of sleep (Xanax- helped me). Everything is compounded by depression and handling everything on your own. And the poor dog's don’t get me started on that. We had two Chihuahua’s. One was abandoned by previous owners and she was his little girl.. So spoiled on his lap every night... she is finally doing better but were 6 months into it. Like the poor dogs you will start feeling less and less stress also, it takes time. It takes letting go of those old dreams and acknowledging the new reality. I think it’s even worse if you’re at home all day alone. I did that the last time I went through a separation and it was much harder than now while I’m working. Can you at least Volunteer or something a couple of days a week. You really have to, all that time on your hands is not good for you right now even if you seem to be having a hard time concentrating and getting the basics done i would encourage you to get out and do something else also. God Bless.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It is scary looking at the future. On one hand I cant wait to see what it brings on the other hand it scares the heck out of me. I did apply for some evening retail jobs but no luck yet. After not working for 25 yrs I'm not in great demand. Hopefully when I get my head screwed back on straight - I can maybe go back to school. Its something to look forward to.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Hey small how have you been feeling? I hope you have a great time at your pups birthday party today. My DS (4) and i are going to head to the aquarium today. My DS was worried that we were going to hurt daddy's feelings because he doesn't get to go with us. That was hard, and unfortunately you can explain much to a 4yr old.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Was doing ok but this morning texted the kids that he wanted to come by this morning to see the dog. I prefer he not come to the house 1-because the dog will spend the rest of the day waiting for him to come back & 2- I really don't want to see him. So I suggest my son put her in the car & they meet somewhere. Of course he didn't understand why he couldn't just come by for a minute but finally gave in. 
Its hard for a 4 yr old to understand. I was 6 when my parents divorced and I remember always being worried that when I was with one - the other parents feelings would be hurt. I'm sure once your there she'll have a great time. Enjoy your day today!


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