# I was sexting and got caught by my wife.



## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

Just about a month ago, my wife unlocked my phone and saw that I had been sexting with other women on Kik. I had been engaging in that sort of behavior for just over a month at that point, mainly I think due to a lack of physical attention from my wife after recently having our second child. We hadn't had much of an emotional or physical connection in the recent months. 

At the time I got caught, a part of me was relieved, because I knew I was so into the rush of the sexting and sneaking around that I was likely not going to be able to stop myself from engaging in that type of behavior. Since she confronted me about it, I've started going to therapy and started to work on some of my deeper issues, relating to my self-worth, my need for validation, and the lack of connection I've felt in our marriage. 

Since this situation has unfolded, the sex life between my wife and I has actually improved a bit. We are more physical and more eager to show each other affection. However, I still feel horrible about what I did and it's weighing on me and contributing me to wake up most mornings feeling in a very dark place emotionally. I have to hold back tears and feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, as in that she'll just decide to leave me or kick me out. I'm going to try to continue to work through these issues in therapy, I just wanted to share in case there are others out there who have gone through a similar situation.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Sounds like self disruptive behavior. People who feel they arent good enough, or worth it... will typically self sabotage something to do a "i told you so" to themselves.. Also the victim attitude.

Join a Gym, lift weights -> remove the stress/depression from your life, build confidence. Its good you are seeking counseling.. Try to figure out why you self disrupt instead of improve and conquer

You had two options... Fix/figure out what was wrong with your sexual relationship or partake in a potentially disruptive activity (sexting)


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

1) What you were doing could have easily destroyed your feelings for your wife; you're lucky you still love her. (not counting you being lucky she still loves you)
2) That stuff is addictive (as you seem to have surmised) and you are likely to one day have the urge to do it again. I beg you not to give in to that urge EVEN ONCE. Or you will undoubtedly fall into the trap again. 
3) What your wife found, she will NEVER FORGET. She may forgive you, and if you completely stop it and never do it again, she may eventually trust you again. HOWEVER, you have shaken that trust forever.

So....... remember these horrible feelings of guilt and anxiety when that urge to think about other women come up. We all need to learn to police our own thoughts a little. I have stuff that crosses my mind pretty often-- I nip that crap and move forward in my head to more positive and productive thoughts. Don't feed the wolf, know what I mean?

I know you weren't looking for advice, just wanted to share my thoughts... 
I'm glad you seem to get the gravity of what you did and how lucky you are to still be married.
I want to say one more thing: I have found that a woman's love for a man is not unconditional. If it's constantly pushed away, it will end. And when the love switch is turned off, it's OFF brother. You'd better make damn sure you don't ever hit that off switch, because she couldn't flip it back on again even if she wanted to. Keep that in mind the next time you want to sext another woman.


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## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> 1) What you were doing could have easily destroyed your feelings for your wife; you're lucky you still love her. (not counting you being lucky she still loves you)
> 2) That stuff is addictive (as you seem to have surmised) and you are likely to one day have the urge to do it again. I beg you not to give in to that urge EVEN ONCE. Or you will undoubtedly fall into the trap again.
> 3) What your wife found, she will NEVER FORGET. She may forgive you, and if you completely stop it and never do it again, she may eventually trust you again. HOWEVER, you have shaken that trust forever.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate the feedback. The thing is, I really don't feel the urge to sext again at all. I want her to be able to trust me, I don't like holding that secret inside. Obviously, I know that if I dwell on negativity and start to hate myself more, I'm more at risk for slipping. I wasn't looking for advice but I do appreciate it. I definitely have a tendency to "feed the wolf" in terms of self-loathing, sabotage, negativity, etc. and I'm really trying to work against that. Even before I got caught in this situation I was doing similar things, where I'd feel unworthy or look for validation or reassurance constantly.


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## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> Sounds like self disruptive behavior. People who feel they arent good enough, or worth it... will typically self sabotage something to do a "i told you so" to themselves.. Also the victim attitude.
> 
> Join a Gym, lift weights -> remove the stress/depression from your life, build confidence. Its good you are seeking counseling.. Try to figure out why you self disrupt instead of improve and conquer
> 
> You had two options... Fix/figure out what was wrong with your sexual relationship or partake in a potentially disruptive activity (sexting)


You're definitely right, I have a problem with self destructive/disruptive behavior and tendencies, and I'm trying to work through that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't drink or do drugs---- but I get a pretty good rush and feeling of "self-importance", etc., when I finish a project or improve my work status (new certification, working side jobs, etc.)...

Maybe try some of those things. I agree with Steve2.0--- exercising will solve LOTS of problems we all have. Staying busy, too.
You might even see your doctor about some of these tendencies you have; sounds a lot like anxiety. They do make anti-anxiety medications...

Just some thoughts that might be of use...


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## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don't drink or do drugs---- but I get a pretty good rush and feeling of "self-importance", etc., when I finish a project or improve my work status (new certification, working side jobs, etc.)...
> 
> Maybe try some of those things. I agree with Steve2.0--- exercising will solve LOTS of problems we all have. Staying busy, too.
> You might even see your doctor about some of these tendencies you have; sounds a lot like anxiety. They do make anti-anxiety medications...
> ...


Thanks, I appreciate the insight!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

At this point no words will really push the needle for both of you but continued work through ACTIONS. I would also recommend doing counselling now, since you both seem committed to the marriage. It could help you guys grow together and help prevent the next issue from propping up before it hits instead of trying MC when it's too late.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trust once it's lost can be very hard to get back. It's possible for that to take years so you'll need to be very patient.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Well, you wronged her, you cheated on her and you used the pretty standard cop out, excuse making reason of "lack of physical and emotional connection with the wife". Well, if she is keeping you then you can be thankful she isn't divorcing you for betraying her. 

Hopefully you learn from this that to have a healthy marriage you two need to SHARE your innermost thoughts, fears and needs with each other and share it in a loving way. You should have shared that you missed her physically and that you missed her emotionally and that you needed her and that you desired her and that it hurts you when you two aren't intimate and emotionally connected and asked her if she noticed it and if she still has interest in you sexually and that could have been your starting point of how to work through this as to whether you needed counseling, if she needed depression treatment, if you two need to work on dating each other again and courting each other and breaking routines, if you needed a trip alone together to reconnect. The key is you share these things openly. Even if it means you share to her that her not having interest is sex is affecting you so much that you are starting to notice other women you miss it and need it so much.

You share these things with each other you don't keep it to yourself and then look to other women to fulfill this need. 

Share this stuff with her in the future. You shouldn't be keeping secrets from each other like this. If you have a need you share it with her. 

You've lucked out if she's elected to keep you.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

tomhagen8743 said:


> I really appreciate the feedback. The thing is, I really don't feel the urge to sext again at all. I want her to be able to trust me, I don't like holding that secret inside.


This is good, but you're still in the early phases of recovery here.

As time passes, and the pain of what you've done fades, the urge for the rush can easily overtake the negative feelings which have recessed into your memory. How will you respond the next time you feel neglected or are faced with some other form of stress?

I say this not in an accusatory tone, but rather as a warning that just because you don't currently feel the urge to sext again, that doesn't mean you can let your guard down. This isn't just for sexting either; it's also to be on the watch for other self-destructive behavior which may manifest in place of the sexting. The draw of the rush can be very strong. 

The thing is, no matter how much two people love each other, marriage requires constant commitment, vigilance, and dare I say work, on the part of both partners. So no matter how comfortable you feel, you should never get complacent. While this may sound negative, it's really not. _So long as the two of you are working together _toward the same goals, it's the most rewarding work in the world.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think that now, you're doing the right things (therapy, feeling true remorse).

You must realize that your marriage has changed FOREVER. But that doesn't mean it can't be a good marriage.

Good luck.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

tomhagen8743 said:


> Just about a month ago, my wife unlocked my phone and saw that I had been sexting with other women on Kik. I had been engaging in that sort of behavior for just over a month at that point, mainly I think due to a lack of physical attention from my wife after recently having our second child. We hadn't had much of an emotional or physical connection in the recent months.
> 
> *You believe you did this because of a lack of attention. (This is seen as BLAMING the victim) Stop that. Dig deeper. You probably wanted to do it all along but FINALLy rationalized that you were not being taken care of good enough.... LOW man... Low....Step one, DONT YOU DARE SAY THIS TO YOUR WIFE.*
> 
> ...


*Sex life is better after discovery of affairs because of something called Hysterical bonding. It is insane sex kind of like when you first date because why> SHE IS TRYING TO LEARN TO LOVE YOU AGAIN AND YOU LOVE HER ENOUGH IN RETURN. it is false in the fact that the sex life is better now. This faze is temporary. *


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This is good, but you're still in the early phases of recovery here.
> 
> As time passes, and the pain of what you've done fades, the urge for the rush can easily overtake the negative feelings which have recessed into your memory. How will you respond the next time you feel neglected or are faced with some other form of stress?
> 
> ...


good advice right here.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> mainly I think due to *my poor boundaries, selfishness, s and lack of self-control*


There, fixed that for you. Changing your thinking about the above is your first step.

Your wife didn't make you cheat.

You chose it. Period.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> 1) What you were doing could have easily destroyed your feelings for your wife; you're lucky you still love her. (not counting you being lucky she still loves you)
> 2) That stuff is addictive (as you seem to have surmised) and you are likely to one day have the urge to do it again. I beg you not to give in to that urge EVEN ONCE. Or you will undoubtedly fall into the trap again.
> 3) What your wife found, she will NEVER FORGET. She may forgive you, and if you completely stop it and never do it again, she may eventually trust you again. HOWEVER, you have shaken that trust forever.
> 
> ...


Yes sir...That's the dam truth.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My marriage was much like you describe your own about 3 years after our second child. But my wife was also dealing with her father being diagnosed with cancer. As an only child she saw it as her responsibility to take care of him. But I did not cheat and the main reason was my children. I was emotionally and physically distanced from my wife and had come to the conclusion that we were living as roommates. I had become the bank and babysitter. She ended up having an emotional affair with a guy at her gym. I won't go into detail.

But the biggest reason we disconnected is because we gave up communicating with each other. When did have time together it was all bills, kids, the house, and her father. We never told each other how we felt nor what we felt was lacking in our marriage.

Set some time out with just you and her, and talk to each other. Be honest and hold nothing back. Do not try to spare hurt feelings or worry about reactions. Be honest about everything. Nothing off limits. Not quit as honest as "yes dear, those pants do make you look fat" - but you get the idea.

Make it a regular thing - 1 hour or more on Sunday night at 9PM or any other day/time. Just make it regular and scheduled.


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## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> There, fixed that for you. Changing your thinking about the above is your first step.
> 
> Your wife didn't make you cheat.
> 
> You chose it. Period.


Yes, I did. Great point. I have accepted accountability in my real life and apparently am trying to justify it when I discuss it here, which I should not do. I made the choices. I took the actions. It was me, not her.


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## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

TDSC60 said:


> My marriage was much like you describe your own about 3 years after our second child. But my wife was also dealing with her father being diagnosed with cancer. As an only child she saw it as her responsibility to take care of him. But I did not cheat and the main reason was my children. I was emotionally and physically distanced from my wife and had come to the conclusion that we were living as roommates. I had become the bank and babysitter. She ended up having an emotional affair with a guy at her gym. I won't go into detail.
> 
> But the biggest reason we disconnected is because we gave up communicating with each other. When did have time together it was all bills, kids, the house, and her father. We never told each other how we felt nor what we felt was lacking in our marriage.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this is great advice. We've been trying to make more "us" time recently, which is something we did not have enough of in the last few years. We have a 4 year old son and a 3 month old daughter and I didn't put the work in, in terms of trying to stay connected to her emotionally and physically. I'm going to do my best to try and stay connected as much as we can, and be honest, be open.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

tomhagen8743 said:


> I really appreciate the feedback. The thing is, I really don't feel the urge to sext again at all. I want her to be able to trust me, I don't like holding that secret inside. Obviously, I know that if I dwell on negativity and start to hate myself more, I'm more at risk for slipping. I wasn't looking for advice but I do appreciate it. I definitely have a tendency to "feed the wolf" in terms of self-loathing, sabotage, negativity, etc. and I'm really trying to work against that. Even before I got caught in this situation I was doing similar things, where I'd feel unworthy or look for validation or reassurance constantly.





tomhagen8743 said:


> You're definitely right, I have a problem with self destructive/disruptive behavior and tendencies, and I'm trying to work through that.


The good news is that your wife didn't kick you out of the house and that you are remorseful.

As others have said, you need to turn that corner on your life so you don't do it again. Have you thought of some kind of penance or pilgrimage and then going to confession? To confess one's sins to a priest and have him tell you what you need to do to earn God's forgiveness is an incredible relief and life affirming experience, even if you don't feel you are all that religious. After all if God can forgive you, you certainly can forgive yourself.

Also have you considered some kind of ceremony with your wife, you could buy her a token of your devotion and re-commitment to your marriage and your marriage vows? It could be a special ring that you wear it could be matching heart or half-heart necklaces that you each wear. The point is apologize to her, do something that symbolizes your love for her and your commitment to the marriage that will remind the both of you that you are never going to do anything that stupid again in your life. Alternately, you could tell her you were so wrong, learned from what you did and then propose to her again, asking her to be your wife for the rest of your lives.

Again, my suggestion for you is to figure out some way to separate the past from the future in both your mind and your wife's.

Good luck.

Good luck.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tomhagen8743 said:


> Just about a month ago, my wife unlocked my phone and saw that I had been sexting with other women on Kik. I had been engaging in that sort of behavior for just over a month at that point, mainly I think due to a lack of physical attention from my wife after recently having our second child. We hadn't had much of an emotional or physical connection in the recent months.
> 
> At the time I got caught, a part of me was relieved, because I knew I was so into the rush of the sexting and sneaking around that I was likely not going to be able to stop myself from engaging in that type of behavior. Since she confronted me about it, I've started going to therapy and started to work on some of my deeper issues, relating to my self-worth, my need for validation, and the lack of connection I've felt in our marriage.
> 
> Since this situation has unfolded, the sex life between my wife and I has actually improved a bit. We are more physical and more eager to show each other affection. However, I still feel horrible about what I did and it's weighing on me and contributing me to wake up most mornings feeling in a very dark place emotionally. I have to hold back tears and feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak, as in that she'll just decide to leave me or kick me out. *I'm going to try to continue to work through these issues in therapy,* I just wanted to share in case there are others out there who have gone through a similar situation.


:iagree:

Counselling as a couple might help.

Also, why did your wife need to unlock your phone? Had your behaviour toward her tipped her off? If so, your behaviour is something you need to address.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> Also, why did your wife need to unlock your phone? Had your behaviour toward her tipped her off? If so, your behaviour is something you need to address.


Probably because he was on the phone constantly, typing, saying "nobody" when she asked who.


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## tomhagen8743 (Jun 12, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Counselling as a couple might help.
> 
> Also, why did your wife need to unlock your phone? Had your behaviour toward her tipped her off? If so, your behaviour is something you need to address.


I didn't even ask her about that. It wasn't important to find out why she felt the need to unlock it. Clearly, I had been distant and spending more time on the phone than usual in front of her and she suspected something was up. I'm not a great liar or secret-keeper so I'm sure my behavior tipped her off. I'm at the point now where I leave it out in the open unlocked because I don't have anything to hide and I want her to feel free to trust me and look at my phone however much she pleases.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

tomhagen8743 said:


> Thank you, this is great advice. We've been trying to make more "us" time recently, which is something we did not have enough of in the last few years. We have a 4 year old son and a 3 month old daughter and I didn't put the work in, in terms of trying to stay connected to her emotionally and physically. I'm going to do my best to try and stay connected as much as we can, and be honest, be open.


Whoa! You have a _three month old_ at home? So what you're saying is that you were sexting other women while your wife had a newborn and was also wrangling a toddler? And you blamed it on a lack of physical connection? It might have been possible to find a worse time to stray, but I'd be hard pressed to name what that would be. You chose to betray your wife during one of the very most vulnerable times in a woman's life. 

You wanted some lovin' but your wife was busy with your newborn. I get it. It sucks. Guess what? It also sucks to be the exhausted, touched out, sleep-deprived, achy, bleeding, weepy, swollen, sore, stitched-up mother of a newborn. It sucks worse to be one whose husband apparently has enough free time on his hands - despite said newborn and the other very young child - to be hitting up other women for some strange. 

I suggest that you never again tell your wife that you cheated because you weren't getting enough attention from her. What you're saying when you do that is that you couldn't be bothered to keep yourself faithful during the _weeks_ she was healing from the birth of your child. That your wife is willing, at least for now, to try to repair things after that revelation, is a profound gift that not every cheater gets. Perhaps consider that if you had time for sexting other women, you had time to be doing more for your wife, family, and marriage than you were. If you've got enough time on your hands to cheat, try filling those hands with a squalling baby while your wife goes and takes a nap instead. That should keep you too occupied to further blow up your marriage.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Whoa! You have a _three month old_ at home? So what you're saying is that you were sexting other women while your wife had a newborn and was also wrangling a toddler? And you blamed it on a lack of physical connection? It might have been possible to find a worse time to stray, but I'd be hard pressed to name what that would be. You chose to betray your wife during one of the very most vulnerable times in a woman's life.
> 
> You wanted some lovin' but your wife was busy with your newborn. I get it. It sucks. Guess what? It also sucks to be the exhausted, touched out, sleep-deprived, achy, bleeding, weepy, swollen, sore, stitched-up mother of a newborn. It sucks worse to be one whose husband apparently has enough free time on his hands - despite said newborn and the other very young child - to be hitting up other women for some strange.
> 
> I suggest that you never again tell your wife that you cheated because you weren't getting enough attention from her. What you're saying when you do that is that you couldn't be bothered to keep yourself faithful during the _weeks_ she was healing from the birth of your child. That your wife is willing, at least for now, to try to repair things after that revelation, is a profound gift that not every cheater gets. Perhaps consider that if you had time for sexting other women, you had time to be doing more for your wife, family, and marriage than you were. If you've got enough time on your hands to cheat, try filling those hands with a squalling baby while your wife goes and takes a nap instead. That should keep you too occupied to further blow up your marriage.


^^^^^ SO MUCH THIS. 

I would venture that you don't help her much.... My husband did the same as you. We have had a VERY bumpy reconciliation road that at two years I kicked him out for nearly 2 months. He won his way back only to have me want to be done again a few months back. So....Reconciliation is very very inconsistent. You need to realize that SHE NEVER did anything to MAKE you cheat. You rationalized your own SELFISH desire to cheat because you likely always wanted to anyway but finally you think you have a half way decent excuse to cheat. 

I am interested in the view you have of women in general. Did your father cheat? 

What kind of male role model did you have? :nerd:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tomhagen8743 said:


> I didn't even ask her about that. It wasn't important to find out why she felt the need to unlock it. Clearly, I had been distant and spending more time on the phone than usual in front of her and she suspected something was up. I'm not a great liar or secret-keeper so I'm sure my behavior tipped her off. I'm at the point now where I leave it out in the open unlocked because I don't have anything to hide and I want her to feel free to trust me and look at my phone however much she pleases.


THAT is what I meant! Your dissing her clued her to what you were doing!


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