# Having a hard day today...



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I had to bring my kids to camp in Maine and drove by the signs for the town where my guy's sister-guardian moved him.

What is boils down to is that I'm afraid nobody will ever love me the way he did, and if someone does I'll be too messed up by guilt/confusion to accept it. 

I feel that there's still a bond between us. But because his sister-guardian forbids him to see me, there's no actual communication between us. The last time I heard from him was when he called from the last facility he was at (he was assisted by a staff member, a real modern-day saint if you ask me) and that was May 9. 

It might be a couple months yet before he gets to go home, and even then he might have someone there looking after him...he won't be able to contact me until he can get guardianship again, or learn to be sneaky AND remember my email and/or phone number...however his sister has taken control over both of these and I suspect even though she told me I could write, intercepted my letters (this would be reasonable given her character/personality/history of behavior). Most people who have had to deal with her including hospital staff and staff at the facility he was at before being moved, think she's nuts. She 'limited' the amount of time I could see him at the last facility, but the staff just ignored it and were welcoming and helpful to me when I went in, as often as I dared (lol) and said while he was there he was his own guardian. Then she moved him a long way away. I finally agreed not to see him just so I wouldn't have to deal with her attitude, could have had it over-ridden by his case manager (again, for the third time) and the state-appointed attorney. But I decided that seeing him physically didn't matter. This goes okay more or less but today was hard I guess because I drove within 5 miles of the facility. 

Needless to say I took the long scenic way back through the White Mountains. But then I had to go past the town where his place is, and over the road he drove me home after spending the night with him. There is no escape some days.

Today was one of those.


----------



## lamaga

Oh, honey. Your situation is so awful, I can hardly bear to think about it.

You're going to have these days. It's natural. Just know that we're here with you, thinking of you and sending you strength.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lamaga said:


> Oh, honey. Your situation is so awful, I can hardly bear to think about it.
> 
> You're going to have these days. It's natural. Just know that we're here with you, thinking of you and sending you strength.


Thanks. I used the day to re-center and just work and relax. My kids are away at camp. Then I got an email from a guy, as I'd put myself out on a dating site. I really had a lot of doubts but decided to be open-minded, we talked and got along fine and I now have a date tomorrow evening. It actually feels okay. I had thought it would be just feeling wrong. The only time I got hung up a bit was when I was talking about my cross country ski hut I manage in the winter, and then I remembered the last day I was there was the day I made several phone calls of increasing concern and then came home to find friend in coma. I censored that. Of course it will come out in conversation, if the need arises. Mostly my big concern is being honest about how I live my life which is very meager these days in terms of finances but very rich in terms of quality despite the friend setback. I think what really hurts is not having acknowledgement, some people when they talk to me about it treat him as though he was just someone I was dating. But it wasn't like that. We were very close and respectful of each other and absolutely crazy about each other when after 9 months of being acquainted we finally came clean with each other about our feelings (neither one of us wanted to jeapordize the friendship) and became a couple, for 10 days. How crazy is that? Followed by 6 weeks of daily hospital time together and then 3 weeks of a few times a week seeing him in rehab. Up til the end when he was transferred last he referred to me as his girlfriend, talked about me when I wasn't there, etc. God knows what he is thinking now. I hope it is good things for me as that's all I think for him. But I can't help him in his situation, I gave him all I had for those 6 weeks, he did change his mind about DNR. I think his problems might have come from repressed anger, something I had nothing to do with. So that's his path. I'm coming to accept that he could very well have another hemorrhage as he is now at risk, he also has an underlying health condition I intuitively knew about but he did not come out and say. The bad thing that eats at me is that I promised him we would be together no matter what, even if he could not do any of the activities we enjoyed together, and I do mean any. I made a promise and I was prevented from keeping it by his guardian. He did not get along well with his family, I can see why. But that was his issue to attend to and he did not. As was his health issue, which was worsening but he made choices as an adult. I can't say they were good ones, but they were the ones on his path. I hope I was a good guide, while I was guiding. He did ask quite a bit about my lack of anger when it came to my divorce and also about being a Quaker, my faith, etc. He referred to me as a True Believer and this seemed quite important to him, that I was one. That I believed in love, had faith, discernment, etc. My big concern is not that I don't think I can't love anyone else, as I know it's possible because the kind of love I have for people is specific to them, individually, hard to explain...but that someone else won't be able to love me quite the same way as he did. It was imperfect, I have no illusions about that. But he had promised me the Real Thing and he delivered that. I try to focus on that. My friends who had me to dinner that first week told me I would not have fallen to pieces like I did the night after his surgery, if there was no real love between us. It's a high bar to set. And then there is dealing with whatever we will have to deal with if he sufficiently recovers to have his own life again. I just kind of sometimes have a feeling that he will not. I think he will have another hemorrhage and he will die. Everyone has their time, and their own mission here on Earth. He had actually talked about how he wanted to die, etc. the night before he fell into a coma. I kind of wonder if he knew what was going on and didn't have the strength to face it on his own, to save his own life. He had called from the road and said he should go home but he felt compelled to be with me. It's a good thing he followed his instincts, even though how it is now is painful for me I really have no clue how it is for him. Maybe he has given up on me though given what he knows about me I find that hard to believe. But I also know he would not want me to be stagnant, that in itself is its own kind of death. I thought about it and decided that I would put myself out there on the dating sites, etc. and just meet men who are single, and connect with them for connection's sake, and not to treat it as some kind of serious undertaking. I'm in college, I'm staying in the town I'm in, I'm not committing to someone unless I have a good reason to, it would take at least a year of dating before I did that, at least, and then spending day to day kind of time together...kids involved, etc. That was the point we were up to, the day to day stuff. I'm honest, I won't lie about the situation. It's not a crime to have been in love with someone who gets carted away by their guardian with an unknown amount of their cognitive abilities intact (or not), although it is a bit unusual. I'm trying to be open-minded about everything, and to take care of myself, but to do that gently and compassionately. Grieving without a body or a casket is tricky business. Grieving when you don't even know if you should be grieving, but need to hedge on that, is tricky business. 

That and in my life I am entering uncharted territory since I'm almost at the age where my dad committed suicide and well past the age my mother abandoned me. I pretty much have no role models except my step-grandmother and even she admittedly stayed with my grandfather who was a cheater, he had a mistress, somewhat openly. She explained her reasons to me, it was on account of her daughter, etc. But still, I didn't get any relationship advice from her except to look after myself and to be 'smart' when it came to men. It's taken a long time to learn that, as I ended up learning by experience. The thing is, I don't even know if my friend who ended up in a coma would have been a good choice long term. I mean, I thought he was, but then it turned out he had family issues and anger and he drank a lot and didn't see a doctor on a regular basis and ignored medical advice when he did see a doctor. He also had admittedly codependency issues and really didn't want to be seriously dating someone but had made an exception for me (also because I had kids.) I decided it's okay for me to not know a lot of things. Predicting the future is different than planning realistically for the rest of my week. I mean, I have an eye on the future, but my concerns are for my day to day. That's the space and time where I live. I'm not so future-oriented that I am going to put my life on hold indefinitely for someone who may or may not come back into my life, and if he does, there's no guarantee under what sort of circumstances. 

I had been waiting for mutual friends to visit him and to find out where we're at, but that hasn't happened. Oh, well.

I am a little excited about my date. How wrong is that?


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

I'm so sorry you are going through this. How young are you? I am rebuilding my whole life from the ground up at 45, but you seem to have an awful lot of wisdom and presence of mind for a person of the "usual" college age. I admire your strength and integrity. And there is nothing wrong with looking forward to that date. You deserve and need some levity and joy in your life. Soak it up. There is a reason for everything, ( I say that, and choke on it, as I think of my own life, but I still want to believe it's true.) I hope you have a genuinely wonderful time tonight. Leave the guilt at home.

Sending you thoughts of peace.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> I'm so sorry you are going through this. How young are you? I am rebuilding my whole life from the ground up at 45, but you seem to have an awful lot of wisdom and presence of mind for a person of the "usual" college age. I admire your strength and integrity. And there is nothing wrong with looking forward to that date. You deserve and need some levity and joy in your life. Soak it up. There is a reason for everything, ( I say that, and choke on it, as I think of my own life, but I still want to believe it's true.) I hope you have a genuinely wonderful time tonight. Leave the guilt at home.
> 
> Sending you thoughts of peace.


Thanks. It's nice to find your message this morning. Love your user name. But maybe at some point your trailer will come unhitched and go flying off the road and into oblivion over a ledge! I woke up with no guilt, so far so good. 

I'm 48. A bit old for a college student I think, but most of the time I don't think about that much. When I'm in classes or doing research work, I'm the same as my classmates and there's not too much of a difference except that despite having children and a half-time job, I seem to get more sleep than most of them. 

I live really close to my home town where I grew up, so my landscape is somewhat the same as in my childhood I came to this town often, mostly to learn to ski at the mountain here but also for some other events. We have a pedestrian covered bridge here over the river and I was one of the first 100 people to walk across it, I remember it being hauled by oxen to be put in place, old-fashioned style. 

My date has the same name as my guy I 'lost.' But he is ten years younger, 44. Has three kids, all boys, so that's intimidating, but like I said, I'm being open-minded and following my instinct. He seems to be a good mix of being conscientious and fun. Our conversation had good flow. I hope we get along so well in person. It's not so much whether he's suitable for me or I'm suitable for him, but what happens when you put two people together, whether it creates something worthwhile and 'bigger' than two individuals. I'm interested and curious to see/feel/experience the spiritual 'entity' that is created by our energies. I suppose that's not necessarily the normal way to approach dating and relationships but it's where I'm at these days. 

I've had to clean up my social environment and self-select out of some venues. Not so much because of the people there, but because of the atmosphere that was created when I encountered some of the people there. I hemmed and hawed about it, whether it was cowing down, for instance, accepting my friend's guardian's restrictions, being 'afraid' of the person who verbally attacked me without warning or provovation after she'd asked me never to talk to her and I was respecting that (lol.) What it boiled down to was that these people couldn't control themselves, and when I was near them, stuff happened to create a toxic environment, not just for me but in general, and I didn't think that was a good thing. I decided to take my energy and shepherd it and bring it to places where I could create something better. 

That's actually my goal in a relationship. It's not to 'get' something or to 'be' someone for someone else, but to have a partnership where something I can't create alone can be accomplished, to benefit others, particularly kids/family, but also just my community and others I spend time with. 

This guy was the one who initiated, and I sense something about him where he might have the same sense of humor and resiliency about life that I do, taking things in stride and figuring out how to cope with stuff without being a victim, but making it a spiritual path. I think he has a lot more confidence about this date than I do. But he shared it fairly well. When I said I had doubts but would be open minded, he respected that and addressed it without any defensiveness and that really got my attention. It doesn't seem like he's out to prove anything, he just asked for more information about how I felt, etc. but not too much. 

Dating is one of those things. You have to relax in order to be present, but you also have to have your 'monitor' on. It's going to be more how I feel than logic at first, because I trust my intuition a lot more than I trust my logic. My logic has got me into places where I've had to do severe left turns, or dig myself an escape route. 

How are you building your life again from the ground up? Are there particular posts that describe your situation? I'm doing the same thing but am a year (or two) into it, depending how you count. My rebuild started because I had an illness where I was oxygen deprived and I lost my math ability and ability to do the computer programming I was doing at the time. I worked for Harvard (among other places) :-o So that wasn't happening. I had to let it all go, and also at the same time figured out the extent to which my exH had been lying to me and manipulating, and through counseling (and my social worked) came to realize I was in an abusive relationship, and got my 'Phoenix' (the mythological bird) on, letting pretty much everything I had attached to burn to the ground except the core of me and my kids and my own personal dreams and inspirations. So far, it's been good. I had what I would call a real transforming significant life event, so in a way I have a great respect for what my friend is going through with his brain hemorrhage...and the aftermath...but it is up to him to choose to accept his situation as a spiritual path. I think he will, but it's one of those things you can't really lean on others too heavily for...or you won't own it. Some days I miss my social worker, but I also like being able to muddle my way through and have my own successes. I do go for therapy because I take a medication for my allergies and also just to help soothe my neurons after what I went through physically with the allergic reaction. I will probably keep going at least once a month for the rest of my life, because of my family history (biologically), and what happens when 'me meets stress' especially during allergy season.

Peace to you too. I would really like to hear about your situation and how things are going for you. What you have left behind and what you are taking with you, etc.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, a couple days ago I was wondering what the h*ll is wrong with me that I can't move on. Accepted a date from a guy I wasn't that keen on initially as he didn't seem my type but since he seemed sure on his end decided to be open-minded and accepted. Oh boy. Now I'm scratching my head and wondering what the h*ll is wrong with me. We got along really well, and have another date for Friday. :-o


----------



## lamaga

Oh, so glad to hear that your date went well!

Very interesting to read your comments here -- and yes, you are right, who knows what would have happened with that relationship had it not been for the coma. Very unfair to you on two levels -- first off, it took away from you a real love, and second, it then denied you the opportunity to watch that love develop and see if it was a lasting thing, or just a lovely interlude.

Honestly, I think you are doing remarkably well, and I'll be thinking of you on Friday!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

lamaga said:


> Oh, so glad to hear that your date went well!
> 
> Very interesting to read your comments here -- and yes, you are right, who knows what would have happened with that relationship had it not been for the coma. Very unfair to you on two levels -- first off, it took away from you a real love, and second, it then denied you the opportunity to watch that love develop and see if it was a lasting thing, or just a lovely interlude.
> 
> Honestly, I think you are doing remarkably well, and I'll be thinking of you on Friday!


Well, I have to say that online dating has its downfalls. I think it was better to be a friend first for a long while and to build trust and respect and to be able to observe each other over time, then discuss being intimate, before being that way. It seems if you meet someone new and you know you are attracted to them right off the bat, instead of having a relationship 'happen' right under your nose, it's a whole different patch of thorns to maneuver through. For isntance, why would someone say 'I wish you would just come home with me.' (I didn't accept that offer, because I want the whole package, not blow things on a one night stand...) if they really didn't mean it? Good grief. Is it possible that things are messed up on the guy's end that much, where he pushed for a date even though I had doubts, and then when I realized that there was something to be had there in terms of person plus package, he changed his mind. And I was worried about getting cold feet, lol. Looks like Friday won't happen, I don't know what's up with this guy. I think he wants a woman, but one without a life or something. He doesn't seem able to cope with a woman who has a job and kids, even though he has a job and three kids and is in the process of moving and might change jobs and started school but gave up on it and is unsure about going back to achieve his goal/desire with that. On top of all that, he's getting a motorcycle and taking the certification course, which is somewhat rigorous. Oh, he has a second job too, a couple nights a week. I'm not sure what he's looking for, he talked about give and take which is theoretical but it seems to put it in action, he would rather have someone accommodate his life than really have it give and take. Trying to encourage him to be open-minded but I think he is locked in a mindset and sending mixed signals, or he is just a player and likes to see what he can get on the first date. I don't know whether to congratulate myself on holding out for what I want which this guy seems to have some of the qualities (a lot, actually...except inflexibility when it comes to my employment, as he says...) or to kick myself for missing out on what could have been a totally awesome and legit one night stand :rofl:


----------



## lamaga

LOL! Or, you know, you could just have dinner...


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, I was going to take him to an amusement park for the evening, as a surprise, but he collapsed. He said he's going to take a break from dating until he moves. Not sure if he is being honest, but he sounds sleep deprived and somewhat traumatized by a few lost/trashed dreams and the stress of everything in his life he is trying to act casual about that is not ummmmmm, casual, but real stuff that would affect anyone's mood or occupy their mind in a vaguely troubling way. I feel empathetic and communicated that it's not expected to need to be always the one to lean on in a relationship, but...not under my control. One thing I learned though, my attraction sensor still works and I didn't feel guilt, just a sort of recognition of something familiar that needs to be present in how you feel about someone in a relationship. That sort of genuine affection that's either there, and strong, or not there at all. 
My feeling is that he will probably just find someone to play along and have a one-night-stand when someone does accept his mixed signals and then feel like crap about himself for believing it could be that easy, and have to extricate himself from yet another iffy situation. I don't think it's a case of the fox and the grapevine, usually I have a good feel for people and what's going on with them. 

I have other options. Am going mountain biking on Saturday with someone who is open about his issues. Not quite Woody Allen but he doesn't censor, is just like...no I don't go back to the town where I lived with my ex (and said it in a way that sounded like he was horrified, lol.) Love it! He also said that he thought he could use someone like me in his life. Nice... not like I'm going to baby the guy, but at least he is in tune with his issues and what might be good for him. 

Thank God my therapist gives me cr*p all the time. I think she's onto something, it has made me less sensitive to being the brunt of other people's issues. If that's what she is shooting for, she's doing an excellent job. I noticed that she responds well when I don't knee jerk react to what she says but just calmly respond why I think she's mistaken and then wait for her to reply. lol. But, she is a bit of a b*tch and she lacks style. Her whole office and person and clothing just scream 'safe', and she tends to hide behind it. I think my life terrifies her in some way.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

How I cope. Part 1. I invited (summoned, lol) my best guy friend who admits he has issues and won't touch me with a 20 foot pole to go out for friend seafood dinner and then Detective Dee (Grindhouse movie genre) popcorn included. I said I would even drink a beer. The only excuse I'll accept for no is if he is kayaking. I called it "guy's night out" lol. He's a sure thing. I can always count on him for a pleasant evening out and some great stories of all the crazy nutso women he's been involved in. I end up feeling bad for him, or wondering why he never learned, but then I realize he's just me, only male. lol.


----------

