# How can I convince my wife that I'm not gay?



## raisin (Jun 21, 2015)

I've been married 16 years to my wife. We only have 1 child together and she has 2 children from a previous relationship. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but for the most part, we have both been happy. Our sex life has been in the gutter for the past year. She seemed to no longer be interested in me sexually and we would be lucky to have sex once a month. I tried so hard to work on our sex life but it seems like nothing I did was good enough for her. Since I have invested so much time and energy into this marriage, I decided to stick it out for the kid's sake and hope that one day, our love life could be rekindled. I've been confiding these things into a co-worker that happens to be gay. He has been helping me out with advice and has been there when I needed him most. For the record, I'm not gay at all, I've been a straight man my entire life. Anyway, I was watching the fight at his house back in May and it was just the two of us. It was pretty much just 2 guys bonding over pizza and beer. He started to get a little touchy and came in to kiss me. I did kiss him at first but then he tried to give me a bj. I told him that I don't swing that way and I left his house.

I thought about what he did and it really pissed me off because I felt like he was using my kindness and dysfunctional marriage as a way to get sex. I didn't say anything to him at work after that but a few days later, we met up for drinks because he said he wanted to talk. He told me that he was sorry for his behavior before. He said that the alcohol got the best of him which is why he was acting strange. He also said that he was attracted to me and he hates that we could never be together. I told him that he is a good friend and I appreciate his honesty. After that, he told me that it isn't fair that my wife isn't giving me the sex that I need and that I could take him up on the bj offer anytime I wanted. He said that it wouldn't make me gay or any different from who I already was. He said that it would just be a way to release myself sexually and start to enjoy life again.

To make a long story short, I ended up taking him up on that offer one night after a big fight with my wife. It started out as a one time bj but it quickly spiraled out of control and we've been having sex on a regular basis. It got to the point that we would get together on lunch breaks for quickies or I would tell my wife that I was going out with the fellas just so I can meet up with him for sex. In my stupidity, I would bring him to my own house when nobody was home so we could have sex. Last week was one of those days where I was alone with him at my home. My wife was supposed to be gone shopping but for whatever reason, she returned home and found me in the living room getting a bj from him. She was crazy at that moment and turned into a different person. She said that I cheated on her which is fair enough. However, she is also calling me gay and telling all our friends and family about what happened. That part is not cool because I'm not gay and I only engaged in that behaviour with him because she wasn't giving me the sex I needed at home. She served me with divorce papers on Friday and wants a divorce. What can I do to win her back and prove to her that I'm not gay? She only knows about the bj that she saw him giving me so I told her that was the first time we had sex and even then, I told her I only did that because she wasn't giving me what I needed at home. So far, she isn't buying it but I have a feeling that I could convince her to give me another chance at least for the kids sake. I know what I did was wrong and despicable and I'm terribly sorry for that. I've cut contact with him so I can work on the relationship with my wife. If anyone could help with some advice on what I can tell her to convince her that I'm not gay and really want to work on the marriage, please let me know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You serm to have shot a hole through your own marriage.

However I wonder if you were set up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Sorry man but you need to first come to terms with your own bisexuality.


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## raisin (Jun 21, 2015)

Coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option because that would effectively ruin any chance I would have to be with my wife.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

raisin said:


> Coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option because that would effectively ruin any chance I would have to be with my wife.


What do you think your wife deserves?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Ok if you got a bj from a dude you are at the very least bi, sorry thats the truth no way to suger coat it 

you where not given 10000mg of viagra and asked if this rag smells like chloroform or getting a bj from a girl and happen to see she had a broad back with size 12 heels on(last one happened to an army buddy of mine, dont ask dont tell) you whent in to it with eyes wide open 

Second you where able to perform, I dont think I could get it up just the thought of hot man breath on me, yack 

Third most women whant a manly man and they will view your actions as not manly or sissish, she was starting to loose attraction already probably seeing you as a weak partner and you reinforced her observation in her mind 

And hey if someone wants to be gay, bi, straight or asexual or whatever the latest buzz words are this week and are happy with it and its not illegal and does not directly affect me in a negative way have at it

I know there is a Sam Kinison bit in your story somewhere maybe it was the Rock Hudson one

But the point is the facts leading up to your affair the kiss the dates yes they were dates the confession to your ap about wanting a bj from him and taking him up on it has earned you a divorce and a stupid tax payment and rightfully so 

Dash would never be alone with a woman in her house or my house and if she kissed me that would end the friendship that instant you failed that test and failed in protecting your marriage from encroachment


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

raisin said:


> Coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option because that would effectively ruin any chance I would have to be with my wife.


Wake up man your actions has ruined any chance you had with your wife she had no say in your affair but she has a say in ending or continuing the marriage

Dont matter if its 11, 00 or 10 cheating is cheating in the two bit binary example


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

I'm trying not to come across as a jerk, but I would have thought that one way we could objectively describe the habits of gay men is that they are "having sex on a regular basis" with other men. You can't get your wife to unsee you receiving oral sex from another man. Just won't happen. 

I suppose that marriages have been brought back from an edge like you describe, but the odds seem very poor here. You took the problems in your marriage and blew them up with an H-bomb.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to have checks for STDs/HIV.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

raisin said:


> Coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option because that would effectively ruin any chance I would have to be with my wife.


But if you are bisexual, then that is what you are. 

You can't pretend otherwise.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You can not. You easily let a guy talk you into a bj. Next up he will convince you to bend him over.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You can not. You easily let a guy talk you into a bj. Next up he will convince you to bend him over.


It already has progressed beyond a BJ, with OP saying that he and this man are having sex regularly.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

If you're for real, and it doesn't really matter at this point, there is nothing you can ever do or say to fix this. Really. Cheating is cheating and dumping your wife for a dude is the worst. Good luck.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

raisin said:


> I've been married 16 years to my wife. We only have 1 child together and she has 2 children from a previous relationship. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but for the most part, we have both been happy. Our sex life has been in the gutter for the past year. She seemed to no longer be interested in me sexually and we would be lucky to have sex once a month. I tried so hard to work on our sex life but it seems like nothing I did was good enough for her. Since I have invested so much time and energy into this marriage, I decided to stick it out for the kid's sake and hope that one day, our love life could be rekindled. I've been confiding these things into a co-worker that happens to be gay. He has been helping me out with advice and has been there when I needed him most. For the record, I'm not gay at all, I've been a straight man my entire life. Anyway, I was watching the fight at his house back in May and it was just the two of us. It was pretty much just 2 guys bonding over pizza and beer. He started to get a little touchy and came in to kiss me. I did kiss him at first but then he tried to give me a bj. I told him that I don't swing that way and I left his house.
> 
> I thought about what he did and it really pissed me off because I felt like he was using my kindness and dysfunctional marriage as a way to get sex. I didn't say anything to him at work after that but a few days later, we met up for drinks because he said he wanted to talk. He told me that he was sorry for his behavior before. He said that the alcohol got the best of him which is why he was acting strange. He also said that he was attracted to me and he hates that we could never be together. I told him that he is a good friend and I appreciate his honesty. After that, he told me that it isn't fair that my wife isn't giving me the sex that I need and that I could take him up on the bj offer anytime I wanted. He said that it wouldn't make me gay or any different from who I already was. He said that it would just be a way to release myself sexually and start to enjoy life again.
> 
> To make a long story short, I ended up taking him up on that offer one night after a big fight with my wife. It started out as a one time bj but it quickly spiraled out of control and we've been having sex on a regular basis. It got to the point that we would get together on lunch breaks for quickies or I would tell my wife that I was going out with the fellas just so I can meet up with him for sex. In my stupidity, I would bring him to my own house when nobody was home so we could have sex. Last week was one of those days where I was alone with him at my home. My wife was supposed to be gone shopping but for whatever reason, she returned home and found me in the living room getting a bj from him. She was crazy at that moment and turned into a different person. She said that I cheated on her which is fair enough. However, she is also calling me gay and telling all our friends and family about what happened. That part is not cool because I'm not gay and I only engaged in that behaviour with him because she wasn't giving me the sex I needed at home. She served me with divorce papers on Friday and wants a divorce. What can I do to win her back and prove to her that I'm not gay? She only knows about the bj that she saw him giving me so I told her that was the first time we had sex and even then, I told her I only did that because she wasn't giving me what I needed at home. So far, she isn't buying it but I have a feeling that I could convince her to give me another chance at least for the kids sake. I know what I did was wrong and despicable and I'm terribly sorry for that. I've cut contact with him so I can work on the relationship with my wife. If anyone could help with some advice on what I can tell her to convince her that I'm not gay and really want to work on the marriage, please let me know.


On top of carrying on a sexual relationship with this guy, you lied to your wife and told her it was only once. I'm not trying to be harsh but you seem to be trying to talk yourself into not being something that you are. At the very least you are Bi and the fact that you lied about it and are rationalizing it here says you are in denial. It is what it is and it's not a bad thing except that you are married and cheated on your wife. You don't want to admit that you are bi because it will ruin chances fixing your marriage but you can't deny the truth. You were having sex with a man on a regular basis. Not a woman. Either way, you cheated on your wife and you now want her to believe something that just isn't true. You are probably not gay but you went back for more with this guy not because she denied you sex but you enjoyed what you and this guy were doing. He manipulated your situation but at the same time, you didn't stop at just once. You need to come TOTALLY clean with your wife and give no excuses. That is the only way you will MAYBE have a chance at fixing it with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think you could stay with your wife if you walked in on her and some guy having sex? (yes bj's are sex)

You cheated on your wife. Doing it with another man is even worse for most women. On top of that you lied to her and told her it was only that one time when she caught you. Chances are that she realized that you were cheating some time before that and she knows a lot more than you are aware of.

You blew it (pun intended). Your marriage was already in serious trouble. So instead of working on your marriage you started to have PA with a man. If I were her I would not believe for a minute that he is the only guy you have done this with. It's very rare for some guy to suddenly decide that, meh, gay sex is acceptable. 

Your marriage is over. Work on moving on. With or without your gay boy friend.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You're pretty gay. 

You're also a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SasZ79 (Mar 14, 2015)

You played hide the salami with a Guy.:redcard:
That's Pretty Gay.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Quit reading after the first bj. This might have happened under a bridge.


I know a case where this happened in real life.

His daughter of 15 came home from school early -she had a headache or some such problem- and she caught her father having sex with another man in her parent's bed. 

But he managed to resolve the issue of his cheating. He committed suicide several days later. 

And guess who it was walked in on his swinging corpse? His poor bloody daughter. 

His daughter went off rails, as you could imagine. 

So if you have a problem with the veracity of a post, call admin, don't call out the OP as it is in clear breach of the TAM rules, OK?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Afraid the damage is done. Your wife will never get that visual out of her mind. 

No straight guy is suddenly going to switch over to the other side and be with a dude just because his wife isn't putting out. It just wouldn't happen. 

So accept the fact that you are either gay or bisexual, own the fact that you cheated, and give your wife the divorce she so desperately wants (can't say that I blame her a bit). No way she will ever look at you the same again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Afraid the damage is done. Your wife will never get that visual out of her mind.
> 
> No straight guy is suddenly going to switch over to the other side and be with a dude just because his wife isn't putting out. It just wouldn't happen.
> 
> ...


OK. Let's change this for the moment.

What would your wife's reaction have been if you had been having regular sex with another woman?

Probably the same, perhaps?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You are more worried about being labeled gay than the fact that you cheated on your wife, betraying your marital vows. Your wife is not and she has chosen that she doesn't want to stay married to a cheater, regardless of whether you were straight, gay or bi.

Besides, why do you want to salvage a marriage that was sexless despite all you efforts to turn it around? Do you actually believe that after your betrayal that your wife is going to want you sexually now more than ever?

As far as your sexuality is concerned, you are a bisexual male who prefers women as sexual partners. It is true that society is less tolerant of bisexual males than it is of bisexual females but you don't live your life by what society says, you live it because you know who you are and are at peace with it. If you wife wants to believe your the Easter bunny, there is nothing you can do to change it, so let her be and move on with your life and never again betray a partner, male or female.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> OK. Let's change this for the moment.
> 
> What would your wife's reaction have been if you had been having regular sex with another woman?
> 
> Probably the same, perhaps?


He's gay or bi, it isn't quite the same. If she had caught him with a woman it would have been a shock for certain. But she now has to wrap her head around her husbands sexuality AND infidelity. 

It is one thing to have infidelity visually confirmed and etched into your memory forever. It completely removes any doubt or disbelief that many people try to cling to in the denial phase. BUT, her mind movie came complete with another surprise twist, her husband is gay! 

She has got twice the reason to divorce him immediately. He will have no problems moving on, his dating pool has now doubled.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the way you can tell if you're gay. Do you have sex, or want to have sex, with other guys. If the answer is yes, you're gay. 
So unless your wife is gullible beyond reason, you won't be able to convince her you're not gay. (nor the rest of us)


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I know a case where this happened in real life.
> 
> His daughter of 15 came home from school early -she had a headache or some such problem- and she caught her father having sex with another man in her parent's bed.
> 
> ...


I did not know that. Thank you so much for letting me know that. I will make sure to follow the rules from now on. Please tell me more of your wisdom.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

One last thing. Your wife discovered your betrayal in the worst way possible, she caught you in the act. This how I discovered my XWW as well, though mine was a video of her and the OM having sex. Like me, your wife's mind movies won't be of the imaginary kind and they will very hard for her to overcome, divorce or not. I couldn't and so in order to heal myself, I divorced her despite my love for her. Your wife's decision to file for divorce will also be painful if she still has any love for you left. 

Don't cheapen and insult her by trying to convince her you're not gay. The gut wrenching pain she is experiencing because of your betrayal is an ocean bigger than your sexuality ever will be.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

A business owner I knew, lost everything b/c he cheated on his wife w/another man. Became a coke addict b/c he couldn't accept his bisexuality and lost everything... including his daughter. Sad situation.

Somethings you need to accept to move forward:

1. There is nothing wrong with being bisexual. Or even being 'bi-curious'. Sexuality is not binary, per some who posted here (tho I understand his point), it's a continuum. You are clearly more in the middle than to either extreme. You clearly like sex and felt deprived. Your mistake isn't that you had sex with another man, its that you cheated on your wife and broke trust in your marriage. Get some counselling to help you reconcile this about yourself.

2. You cheated on your wife. Sex, age, religion, skin colour... all irrelevant. Trust is gone. Your marriage is done. Most marriages don't survive infidelity, but almost none will survive both infidelity and the fact your spouse knows you cheated with someone of the same sex. Time to 180 and move on. Give her the divorce and peace she deserves.

3. Get your health, mental and physical, under control. Get tested for STIs and *don't* go running off to prove your sexuality to yourself or anyone else.

Most of all, don't hate yourself. You had an experience and you learned from it. That's life. Take your lumps and move on.

Best,
- Sapi


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dude. You're gay.

Or, at the very least, you're not straight.


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## raisin (Jun 21, 2015)

There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to start. First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!! That also includes Bi, Homosexual, or any other word you can come up with! I'm a straight man and I love women! I just reached a point in my life where I needed sex and I was vulnerable. A Bj is a Bj and my sexual orientation shouldn't change just because it's a man giving it instead of a woman. Once the lights go out, it all looks and feels the same so I don't see what the big deal is. Yes, I had sex with him but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life. Any other man would have done the same in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have! I have nothing against anyone that's gay or bi but I'm just not naturally attracted to men. Any other guy could have hit on me and I would have rejected him every time. The only reason why I fell for this guy was because we were getting too close and became emotionally invested in each other. Still, I'm a grown man and I make my own decisions and I know what I did was wrong. 

Now back on topic, my wife still wants the divorce. She says that it's not so much that I cheated, she said that it's more about the fact that it was a man. That's the part that everyone seems to be stuck on. I told her that it was only oral sex and nothing more but for some reason, she just isn't buying that. I will not accept a divorce at all and I will do my best to delay, challenge, and deter her at every turn until she changes her mind. Ideally, I want her to choose me over the divorce which is why I'm here. The truth is that I love her and I love my family! I'm sorry that I've hurt them but from what I've read, people have stayed together after going through far worse things. She also keeps asking me for details because she wants to know how far things went with him other than the sex. That right there tells me that she still haves love for me because if she didn't, she wouldn't be asking me questions about the relationship. I just need help to give her a steady push in the right direction.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

raisin said:


> I will not accept a divorce at all and I will do my best to *delay, challenge, and deter her at every turn* until she changes her mind.


This is VERY unwise and unreasonable, and suggests a very unhealthy mental state. All that this will accomplish is racking up a whole bunch of legal costs. You cannot prevent a divorce if that's what she wants. She will file, enough time will pass, and eventually a judge will rubber-stamp it and you will be... DIVORCED! Just like that.



raisin said:


> Ideally, I want her to choose me over the divorce which is why I'm here. The truth is that I love her and I love my family!


Well, we don't always get what we want. Your choice to have sex with another man is a dealbreaker for her. Accept your consequences.

And I would seriously consider counseling. Not about sexual orientation, but about your willingness to "delay, challenge, and deter" someone AT ALL COSTS, who who supposedly love. Friend, that is not how one treats someone they love. If you truly love her, give her what it is she wants. You caused this pain, now let her go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

raisin said:


> There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to start. First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!! That also includes Bi, Homosexual, or any other word you can come up with! I'm a straight man and I love women! I just reached a point in my life where I needed sex and I was vulnerable. A Bj is a Bj and my sexual orientation shouldn't change just because it's a man giving it instead of a woman. Once the lights go out, it all looks and feels the same so I don't see what the big deal is. Yes, I had sex with him but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life. Any other man would have done the same in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have! I have nothing against anyone that's gay or bi but I'm just not naturally attracted to men. Any other guy could have hit on me and I would have rejected him every time. The only reason why I fell for this guy was because we were getting too close and became emotionally invested in each other. Still, I'm a grown man and I make my own decisions and I know what I did was wrong.
> 
> Now back on topic, my wife still wants the divorce. She says that it's not so much that I cheated, she said that it's more about the fact that it was a man. That's the part that everyone seems to be stuck on. I told her that it was only oral sex and nothing more but for some reason, she just isn't buying that. I will not accept a divorce at all and I will do my best to delay, challenge, and deter her at every turn until she changes her mind. Ideally, I want her to choose me over the divorce which is why I'm here. The truth is that I love her and I love my family! I'm sorry that I've hurt them but from what I've read, people have stayed together after going through far worse things. She also keeps asking me for details because she wants to know how far things went with him other than the sex. That right there tells me that she still haves love for me because if she didn't, she wouldn't be asking me questions about the relationship. I just need help to give her a steady push in the right direction.


What do you call a straight man that has sex w/ other men?

Gay.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

raisin said:


> There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to start. First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!! That also includes Bi, Homosexual, or any other word you can come up with! I'm a straight man and I love women! I just reached a point in my life where I needed sex and I was vulnerable. A Bj is a Bj and my sexual orientation shouldn't change just because it's a man giving it instead of a woman. Once the lights go out, it all looks and feels the same so I don't see what the big deal is. Yes, I had sex with him but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life. *Any other man would have done the same in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have!* I have nothing against anyone that's gay or bi but I'm just not naturally attracted to men. Any other guy could have hit on me and I would have rejected him every time. The only reason why I fell for this guy was because we were getting too close and became emotionally invested in each other. Still, I'm a grown man and I make my own decisions and I know what I did was wrong.


Any other guy? You are fooling yourself. Straight men don't want to be sexually intimate with other men. 

If you told a straight guy that the best BJ in the history of BJs was available to them from a guy, he would say thanks but no thanks.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

raisin said:


> There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to start. First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!! That also includes Bi, Homosexual, or any other word you can come up with! I'm a straight man and I love women! I just reached a point in my life where I needed sex and I was vulnerable. A Bj is a Bj and my sexual orientation shouldn't change just because it's a man giving it instead of a woman. Once the lights go out, it all looks and feels the same so I don't see what the big deal is. Yes, I had sex with him but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life. Any other man would have done the same in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have!


You keep saying you had sex with him. And this seems to have happened on a regular basis, often over lunch breaks, etc. So what else occurred with him besides him giving you BJs? Did you give any to him? It is hard to believe this was all one-sided - all receiving and no reciprocation. 

I think the problem people are having is that NO, most men would not do the same in your situation (unless he was bi or gay)! No matter how deprived, most men could not get aroused for another man no matter how dark the room! It was not dark during your lunchtime breaks. And if your wife walked in on you in the living room in the middle of the day, it was not dark!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

raisin said:


> I did kiss him





raisin said:


> It started out as a one time bj but it quickly spiraled out of control





raisin said:


> we've been having sex on a regular basis.





raisin said:


> It got to the point that we would get together on lunch breaks for quickies





raisin said:


> I can meet up with him for sex.





raisin said:


> I would bring him to my own house when nobody was home so we could have sex.





raisin said:


> she returned home and found me in the living room getting a bj from him.


Sounds gay.



raisin said:


> First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!!


Seriously??????????? You think that?



raisin said:


> A Bj is a Bj and my sexual orientation shouldn't change just because it's a man giving it instead of a woman.


Isn't that what convicts say in prison too?



raisin said:


> Once the lights go out, it all looks and feels the same so I don't see what the big deal is.


I would think the 5 o'clock shadow you feel during the bj would be a dead give away.



raisin said:


> Yes, I had sex with him but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life.


You needed a pen!s?



raisin said:


> Any other man would have done the same in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have!


Any other homosexual who happened to be a cheater would have, sure.



raisin said:


> Any other guy could have hit on me and I would have rejected him every time.


Doubtful.



raisin said:


> The only reason why I fell for this guy was because we were getting too close and became emotionally invested in each other.


You fell for him? Emotionally involved? I thought it was just about the sex? You essentially fell in love with a man too. 

You're gay and that's OKAY. Stop making your wife live a lie. Dump her and you can have all the man sex you want since you were enjoying yourself so much. If she's not strong enough to leave you do her a favor and dump her. It's the least you can do...


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## workstation (Jun 22, 2015)

Ur gay accept it and move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

By saying the truth:"I am not gay,I am Bi.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Of course if you don't like the term "Bi", you can use "gay lite".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You disrespected your wife by cheating on her.,

You disrespected your wife by cheating with a man, thus also disrespecting her femininity.

You disrespected your wife by cheating with a man in her home. 

The major subconscious reasons for having sex in the marital home is so that your wife would catch you in the act. There are dozens of other places you could have had sex. There is a symbolic reason a cheater choses sex in the marital home... to defile it and to get caught. A lot of cheaters get caught because they want to get caught and start doing things like leaving clues and having sex in the marital home.

You continue to disrespected your wife by lying to her.

You continue to disrespected your wife fighting her decision to divorce.

Your wife had not had sex with you for a long time for a reason. Your marriage was seriously broken before you started cheating and she caught you.

What good is it going to be to save your marriage? Your wife will still not have sex with you. This is even more likely now that she caught you with a man. So what is it you want back? A wife who has no sex with you so then you can go back to cheating with a man? It's a perfect setup of a bisexual or gay man.

You have not lost your children. You can most likely get 50% custody. So concentrate on being a good father.

Accept that you are at least bi-sexual if not gay. There is no shame in that. Yes you are at least bi because a heterosexual man would not have been able to get up for his guy sex buddy.

If you fight the divorce as long as you can, your will end up paying lawyers huge amounts of money. You will be ordered to pay her legal fees and your own because of your games. Your attitude will most likely lose you some percentage of custody. If you are not a wealthy man, you will end up broke. Your emotional state can also cause you to lose your job, it's not uncommon.

It's better to let the divorce go through. Show her that you are a reasonable man. If she is inclined to get back with you, the divorce will not matter. There is always remarriage.

If you want even an small chance to reconcile, the first thing you have to do is to tell her the truth, the whole truth. You have to tell her everything that you did with this guy. And everything you have ever done with any other man. 

How did the other man react to being caught? How did he react to you dumping him?

Do you have any contact with him at all now? You work with him so you must still have contact.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sorry but the majority of heterosexual men *would not* be aroused, even in the dark, by a man. They would even vehemently refuse their wives/girlfriends if one of their hottest fantasies was to see their man making out/having sex with another man.



raisin said:


> Since I have invested so much time and energy into this marriage, *I decided to stick it out for the kid's sake* and hope that one day, our love life could be rekindled.


Your words. If you didn't have kids then you would have left and filed for divorce.

As far as investing into the marriage is concerned, you couldn't handle a year of very little sex before throwing your marriage out the window, didn't you?

Not that I approve of this, but if you were so hard up for sex, why didn't you simply hire a hooker/escort? Go online to sites dedicated to extra-marital flings? There's a plethora of women in your shoes that would have jumped at the chance to bone your brains out - of course because of societal pressure they won't advertise themselves but they are definitely out there.



> She says that it's not so much that I cheated, she said that it's more about the fact that it was a man.


While in some sense your wife may be relieved that it was not another woman you cheated on, she does feel betrayed by your actions, enough so that she wants a divorce, otherwise she would have not just accepted your extra-marital sex but would have thanked the gay guy for taking care of your needs.



> I will not accept a divorce at all and I will do my best to delay, challenge, and deter her at every turn until she changes her mind.


That is not your love for your wife talking, that is your ego. The same ego that was willing to let go of the marriage if it wasn't for the kids. The same ego that now is outraged that it was she who is ending the marriage and not you.

She is a free individual and if she is with you it is not because of duress but because of her free will. *SHE IS NOT YOUR PROPERTY.YOU DO NOT OWN HER.* If you truly love her, then don't fight her decisions.

You are in total denial, not just about your sexuality, but about the damage/betrayal you caused to your marriage and your wife.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I see three separate issues.

1) your wife no longer wants to have sex with you. That is a huge problem that puts a big strain on a marriage. Intimacy is a critical part of marriage, and without it things will fall apart. I don't know if she has lost interest because of things you have or haven't done, or if she is just generally low desire. Even with no other issues, this needs to be fixed.

2). You are bi. That is OK, that fact that you are at some level sexually attracted to men doesn't mean that you can't be faithful and happily married to your wife. I'm sexually attracted to other women, but that doesn't mean that I have to act on that attraction. Bi is just a label ,but it is one that most people would apply to anyone who voluntarily engaged in sexual activities with someone of the same gender. Nothing wrong with it, it is what you are.

3). You cheated. For most people that is the big deal. Are you sure that you will never do it again - even in the same situation? Is she able to forgive you? If not, then divorce is the most reasonable option.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

From the beginning of you post as I was reading, i knew you are lying. You are playing innocent victim. You are blaming your gay lover: he di, he did, He did,.... LOL. He kissed me! But you kissed him back!; He offered me a BJ! but you accepted it! and during break time at work! at his place! at your home!, that was not an accident! You wanted it , you enjoyed it! you loved it!

Seriously, how your wife caught you guys? did you want it to happen so that you can introduce her to the game? Finally it ended up not the way you wished? You did not hear her coming? a car? someone walking? Or maybe she suspected something??

Anyway, you want to be with your wife but you like men too. You have to accept who you are.(gay or Bi) I am sure you could find a girl to cheat with but you likes men!!

Your wife wants to know the details because she wants to know! not necessarily because she wants to stay with you.
I think your gay lover is happy now. He is hoping to have you now as you are free.

One more question, why do you say he gave you a BJ and more and more, you did not give it back? you were all the time a receiver? that is the only thing you did? Stop that kind of lies. We are all adult people here and we have the brain.

Sorry but good luck in you new life.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What the hell?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems quite obvious you are gay


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I cleaned up the thread jack.

If you have an issue with a post and/or think someone is a troll then use the report button to let moderators know.

If you do not have something helpful to post to the OP, then don't post on the thread.

Keep in mind that sometimes reality can be stranger than fiction.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, you need counselling to help you come to terms with your sexuality.

Your wife also needs counselling to help her to come to terms with your sexuality and the fact that you cheated on her with anybody man or woman.

You seem worried that people might think you are gay.

However, I would argue that your main concern should be that you broke your wife's heart.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I think you are putting the horse before the cart. Your wife walked in on you, in your family home, in a sexual act with a man, and you are wanting to convince her you're not gay. 

Something is wrong with this picture.

1. First and foremost, trust has been broken, and as far as trust goes, this would have been the same as if you had been with another woman.

2. Instead of coming clean when you got busted, you held back all the hat she didn't know (is, the weeks/mm months/years worth of encounters you had with this man). This does nothing to repair trust.

3. You attributed the reason to her not being interested in you sexually anymore. Whilst that can certainly be a difficult thing to deal with, it is you who needs to ultimately take responsibility for your ongoing affair, which would have continued had she not busted you.

This post seems to be about you trying to get her back by convincing her you're not gay. But I think you fail to recognisrbthe issue of broken trust and the fact you have not cone clean. 

Do you feel genuine remorse and grief over her feelings? About the impact of your actions on her and on your marriage? I'm not saying you don't but I am asking the question because your post seems more about what you want in this without first addressing your impact on her


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

All of us, ultimately are defined by our actions, not our words. Keep that in mind if there ever is a next time.

What is there more to say? Through your actions, your marriage has been given its last rites and declared dead. Sorry, but don't expect a "Lazarus arise" for your marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Oh! Oh! I know!

Don't have sex with men!

Too late....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Selfish, selfish selfish. All you're thinking about is you and not at all about your wife. Why would she want to be with someone who:

1. Defiled the family home with a guy stranger.
2. Completely invalidated her when she saw you with a guy.
3. Isn't who she thought she knew when she saw you "come out."
4. Risks infecting her with HIV or other STD.
5. Is in complete denial about his sexuality.
6. Broke the marriage vow with a guy.
7. Destroyed any shred of trust she might have in you.

All this and you still don't want to be transparent with her about the depth of your infidelity? You aren't honest with yourself about your actions or sexuality. How in the HE11 do you expect your wife to trust you going forward? You are one sick dude and need professional help.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

This ^^^


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

raisin said:


> It started out as a one time bj but it quickly spiraled out of control and we've been having sex on a regular basis. It got to the point that we would get together on lunch breaks for quickies or I would tell my wife that I was going out with the fellas just so I can meet up with him for sex.





raisin said:


> Coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option because that would effectively ruin any chance I would have to be with my wife.


 Not coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option, because you are, and your wife saw it. You may try to lie to your wife, but if you were not bisexual/homosexual you would not have had homosexual "sex on a regular basis" as you let it "quickly spiraled out of control". I am not judging you, but your wife is. From her point of view you are in fact a liar and a cheat, that is also bisexual or homosexual.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ok in the spirit of "the truth being sometimes stranger than fiction" here's one last observation.



raisin said:


> Any other guy could have hit on me and I would have rejected him every time. The only reason why I fell for this guy was because *we were getting too close and became emotionally invested in each other*.


That quote could have been uttered by any one of us regarding a member of the opposite sex. The difference is that you uttered it regarding a member of your own gender. By your own admission, this was not just physical but becoming emotional as well.

Imagine for a minute that you were not in this situation, and you happened to read this story, what would your thoughts be regarding the poster? I'd be willing to bet good money that a year or two ago, you would have responded with the same replies as our comments. So stop with the dishonesty and stop trying to convince your betrayed wife what your sexuality truly is.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

raisin said:


> Coming to terms of being bisexual or homosexual is not an option because that would effectively ruin any chance I would have to be with my wife.


You cheated and you're gay or bisexual so own it and deal with the consequences. It's not a debatable topic given your comments.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

raisin said:


> I ended up taking him up on that offer one night after a big fight with my wife. It started out as a one time bj but it quickly spiraled out of control and we've been having sex on a regular basis.
> 
> She said that I cheated on her which is fair enough. However, she is also calling me gay and telling all our friends and family about what happened. That part is not cool because I'm not gay and I only engaged in that behaviour with him because she wasn't giving me the sex I needed at home. She served me with divorce papers on Friday and wants a divorce.


Good for her.

You cheated on her. Purposefully.

You go on to whine about how if she'd just just given you sex, you'd never have to cheat. Says every cheater ever.

You reap what you sow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> You serm to have shot a hole through your own marriage.
> 
> However I wonder if you were set up?


Setup by whom?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

raisin said:


> First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!! That also includes Bi, Homosexual, or any other word you can come up with!


Just in case this is real...... *Really????!!!!*



raisin said:


> To make a long story short, I ended up taking him up on that offer one night after a big fight with my wife. It started out as a one time bj but it quickly spiraled out of control and we've been having sex on a regular basis.


What you have written above indicates otherwise.

*Bisexuality* is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior toward both males and females - Wikipedia

*Homosexuality* is romantic attraction, sexual attraction or sexual behavior between members of the same sex or gender. - Wikipedia



raisin said:


> Yes, *I had sex with him* but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life. *Any other man would have done the same* in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have!


:rofl:



raisin said:


> Now back on topic, my wife still wants the divorce.


Considering your marital infidelity, it is perfectly understandable that your wife wants to divorce you.



raisin said:


> I told her that it was only oral sex and nothing more but for some reason, she just isn't buying that.


In addition to continuing to lie to your wife, you are evidently not sorry for what you have done. That said, unsurprisingly no one else is buying it either.



raisin said:


> I will not accept a divorce at all and I will do my best to delay, challenge, and deter her at every turn until she changes her mind.


Fortunately for your wife, she doesn't require your compliance in order to divorce you.



raisin said:


> Ideally, I want her to choose me over the divorce which is why I'm here.


Considering your egregious conduct and the fact you continue to lie to your wife. I doubt choosing you over divorce is ideal for your wife.



raisin said:


> The truth is that I love her and I love my family!


Your actions as quoted below don't look like love for your wife and family.



raisin said:


> My wife was supposed to be gone shopping but for whatever reason, she returned home and found me in the living room getting a bj from him.


Until and unless you are willing to be completely honest, completely sorry for what you did (not for your wife's reaction) and all of everything else that will be required every single second of your life going forward, you have absolutely zero chance of possibly successfully reconciling with your wife.

That said, I think your wife ought to divorce you.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I'm with the OP here...

"Its ONLY gay if you leave the lights on."

Any other wife would buy that excuse if they found themselves in OP wife's situation.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I don't think you can convince her that you are not attracted to men after the actions you have engaged in, that she saw.

The more you deny it, the more she will push you away most likely. I found out my husband hired a prostitute that had a penis AND a vagina. Guess what...he says he is NOT gay, or NOT bi either. We are getting a divorce too. The main issue, he cheated. The deal breaker was the prostitute (regardless of the plumbing). The dual genitalia was just fuel in the fire.

What is her deal breaker? The cheating or the the fact your AP has a penis? As someone else said, if you are bi, you can be faithful in a relationship still, if you choose to be, with a man or a woman.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

OP, the truth is the truth, no matter what we want it to be. I've gone long periods of time without sex, had guys hit on, and it would never happen. Doesn't make me better than you, just not wired that way. 

It is possible for bisexuals to be faithful to a partner, even when they have same-sex attraction. You seem to be focused on this because you don't want to be gay or bi. 

I have a huge capacity for self-deception. I can work through it by checking what I think or believe against behavior. If my behavior contradicts my thoughts, I am no living in reality.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Setup by whom?


I was thinking by his friend. So called friend to "save" him from his hetero side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> I was thinking by his friend. So called friend to "save" him from his hetero side.


Possibility. Friend told wife maybe?


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

^Yup^


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

raisin said:


> There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to start. First of all, I'M NOT GAY!!!!! That also includes Bi, Homosexual, or any other word you can come up with! I'm a straight man and I love women! I just reached a point in my life where I needed sex and I was vulnerable. A Bj is a Bj and my sexual orientation shouldn't change just because it's a man giving it instead of a woman. Once the lights go out, it all looks and feels the same so I don't see what the big deal is. Yes, I had sex with him but it was only because it was something that I needed in my life. Any other man would have done the same in my situation if they would have suffered the same type of sexual deprivation that I have! I have nothing against anyone that's gay or bi but I'm just not naturally attracted to men. Any other guy could have hit on me and I would have rejected him every time. The only reason why I fell for this guy was because we were getting too close and became emotionally invested in each other. Still, I'm a grown man and I make my own decisions and I know what I did was wrong.
> 
> Now back on topic, my wife still wants the divorce. She says that it's not so much that I cheated, she said that it's more about the fact that it was a man. That's the part that everyone seems to be stuck on. I told her that it was only oral sex and nothing more but for some reason, she just isn't buying that. I will not accept a divorce at all and I will do my best to delay, challenge, and deter her at every turn until she changes her mind. Ideally, I want her to choose me over the divorce which is why I'm here. The truth is that I love her and I love my family! I'm sorry that I've hurt them but from what I've read, people have stayed together after going through far worse things. She also keeps asking me for details because she wants to know how far things went with him other than the sex. That right there tells me that she still haves love for me because if she didn't, she wouldn't be asking me questions about the relationship. I just need help to give her a steady push in the right direction.


buddy, you have got to come clean. If you continue to lie and deceive her, this is not the right way to reconcile. Be honest, be open because if you do not, it will come back to bite you.

A steady push in the right direction? You still do not seem remorseful to me, you are lying and hiding facts to your wife when she is asking for answers. Your character above all else, is what you need to work on. Working on your marriage, and lets say you get your wife to forgive you, the problem is you are still the same person; a liar, cheater, and coward.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Gus, you are really hung up on this gay thing... let it go and give some constructive criticism. Your posts are redundant and continuing to focus on the gay aspect which is not helping. That is what you are here for... to help I assume?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Humble Pie said:


> Gus, you are really hung up on this gay thing... let it go and give some constructive criticism. Your posts are redundant and continuing to focus on the gay aspect which is not helping. That is what you are here for... to help I assume?


I think that Gus did give direct, constructive feed back. OP asked how to convince his wife that he's not gay. Gus pointed out the to OP that is clearly gay or at least not straight. 

So basically there is no way to convince his wife that the obvious is not true.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that Gus did give direct, constructive feed back. OP asked how to convince his wife that he's not gay. Gus pointed out the to OP that is clearly gay or at least not straight.
> 
> So basically there is no way to convince his wife that the obvious is not true.


thanks for your input Ele, actually I should have quoted Gus's post I was referring to... I just didn't think it was positive


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are in denial about everything and need to sort yourself out first before looking at your wife:

1. you had a problem in your marriage but you decided to discuss it with someone outside the marriage - first problem
2. the guy hit on you and you did not say no 
3. you went back for more with a guy, not only were you cheating and deceiving yourself that you swing both ways
4. you brought that back to your own house (even dogs don't **** in the place they lay) - please!
5. your poor unsuspecting wife walks in on that, a woman would have been bad but with a man that is 10 times worse from a wife's point of view, she will now think that she is not woman enough, you have cooked up a storm with this one
6. you have trickle truthed her too, not only are you lying to yourself, you lie lie lie to her (I really feel sorry for her)
6. You knew what you were doing but never thought of the consequences, so now you know

7. If you were in her shoes, would you take you back? Naw? I didn't think so either.

I doubt your wife will take you back and rightly so, accept your consequences and move on. Maybe you can have a future with your 'boyfriend.'


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