# in love or just love and tolerating?



## ElHajjMalikElShabazz (Aug 12, 2011)

hello all!
okay, so here's the thing:
me and my hubby have been together since (roughly) 2002...married in 2005. i 'love' him in the since that i don't want to see him hurt, i don't want to see him 'without' and i don't want to see him fail. all the positive things he wants/desires i want him to get it. a closer walk with Christ, a promotion on his job (or another job), a book or 2 published...etc.

i also want my kids to have what i didn't have: a two parent/mom and dad home.

but, because of all the racism (i'm black, he's mexican), in regards to his family not really diggin' me or respecting the child that i had before i met him, the cheating, the lies the putting other females/guys/family members before me and things like that, i have grown out of love with him. 

i use to be so in love with this man. night time was my favorite time, being with him made me very happy, seeing him made me squeal like a giddy school girl.

now night time is like 'oh great, he wants to touch me..woofrigginhoo' (sarcasm), and when i see him, i'm almost tempted to feel like 'man, isn't there some over-time or something you need to do?'

i'm willing to go through my marriage with the understanding that i'm doing this for him and the kids...then when the kids are all grown up and graduated, then i'll be free to leave. i'd even be willing to still help him reach the goals he has, but just not as his wife.

i also don't like the feeling that he's doing all these 'nice' and 'sweet' things for me when i could really give a crap. i don't really want him to touch me and i don't want to touch him.

i'm afraid that i am reaching a point in my life where i'm getting too old and too tired to care to try and make it like it was.

i feel bad for him, bad for him being the only one in this marriage that genuinely wants 'us' for the sake of us, and not just for the kids.

i hope i'm making sense.

what do you all think?


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## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

Just to understand things a bit better, is he cheating on you and lying to you? If so, putting up with that might not be the best thing to do for your children. I understand you want your children to have two parents at home, but I'm sure you also want to set a good example for them about a healthy relationship. 

I think you really should focus on getting the intimacy back in your relationship - as in mental/emotional intimacy. You aren't going to want to have him touching you as long as you feel emotionally disconnected from him. You fell in love once, you can do it again if you are both willing to work on it. Do you talk with him openly and honestly about how your are feeling? Have you tried marriage counseling? 

You really aren't going to want to live another 10+ years together, just waiting for your kids to get old enough to move out so you can leave him. That sounds like a pretty miserable situation. I don't know why you would want to do that to yourself. 

Try to make it work, or get out now. Staying longer when there is no hope is preventing each of you from finding someone who you can truly share your life with.


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