# Mom passed Friday



## Tomara

It has been such a blur. My father and I picked up the ashes today. I'm doing everything to prepare for the service so I don't think the grief has set in. When it's all done I will finally be able to fall a part. It is so very hard to lose my best friend 


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## aine

So so sorry to hear of your loss. Thoughts, hugs and prayers going to you xx


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## manwithnoname

Very sorry for your loss.


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## Hope1964

I am so sorry for your loss.


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## CharlieParker

My condolences.


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## MJJEAN

I'm sorry for your loss. 

When my mom passed I was responsible for the arrangements and was unable to really cry and grieve properly. It took about two weeks after the funeral for me to have that first hard cry. Don't push yourself. We all grieve in our way and in our own time. It's a process.


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## arbitrator

* @Tomara ~ my fervent prayers are with you and your family!

May our Heavenly Father's loving presence continue to be with you all during this most difficult time!*


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## Emerging Buddhist

Kind thoughts of comfort your way...


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## Satya

Very sorry for your loss, @Tomara. Deepest sympathies.


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## Nucking Futs

I'm sorry for your loss.


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## EleGirl

I'm sorry for your loss Tomara.


Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there, I did not die.​


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## tropicalbeachiwish

I'm so sorry for your loss, Tomara


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## Andy1001

My condolences on the loss of your mother.


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## ButtPunch

I'm so sorry. I recently lost my father and everything was a blur to me too. It didn't 
seem real to me.


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## Tomara

BP
I do feel like I am out of body just watching the play. 


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## Tomara

Thank you all for your kind words 


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## chillymorn69

sorry for your loss. 

Lost my mom two years ago. and its still hard.But it does get easier. and now I have more good thought and memories than sad thoughts.


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## ButtPunch

Tomara said:


> BP
> I do feel like I am out of body just watching the play.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Still don't seem real to me.


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## Tomara

As I have been trying to sort through pictures and trying to make a video I hit bottom. Tomorrow at 2:05pm my mother will have been gone one week. Honesty, all I can remember is the gruesome picture of her death. Dad couldn't close her eyes so I did. Having the paramedics, 4 police men in the house and then the funeral home to remove the body took three hours. I didn't want to have to spend time with her but my heart told me I needed to say my good byes. Hold her cold hand with my face next to hers killed something in side. I did promised her I would take care of Daddy for her. Oh dear lord the pain is more than I can handle.


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## Tomara

I need help! I just found out that my cousin who raped me at 13 will be at the Celebration of Life for my mother. My mom was the only one that knew, and I can't tell my father. I have managed not to see this person for many many years. I don't know what I am going to do.


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## MrsAldi

Sorry for your loss.  


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## MrsAldi

Tomara said:


> I need help! I just found out that my cousin who raped me at 13 will be at the Celebration of Life for my mother. My mom was the only one that knew, and I can't tell my father. I have managed not to see this person for many many years. I don't know what I am going to do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm not sure if it is a good idea to tell your Dad at this current moment, but you could ask a friend or someone who you trust to ask the guy to leave. 

Keeping stuff like this a secret, keeps the predator in power and the ability to abuse again. You can't imagine the amazing support you get when you tell people the truth. It's not easy but it sure is worth it to see the person brought to some justice/judgement. 

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## brooklynAnn

Tomara said:


> I need help! I just found out that my cousin who raped me at 13 will be at the Celebration of Life for my mother. My mom was the only one that knew, and I can't tell my father. I have managed not to see this person for many many years. I don't know what I am going to do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So sorry for your lost. I remembered when my mother and grandmother passed, I was numb for weeks. Then the dam broke and I went a bit nuts with the grieving. You need to feel whatever you feel whenever it surfaces. The loss never goes away but the pain lessens with time.

Last summer I was my cousin for the first time in years. My stomach felt watery. My skin felt dirty and nasty. He smiled and hugged me....as if he was so happy to see me. My daughter was with me....we went to visit my aunty who came for a visit...i was ready to kill him if he had touch my DD. Luckiedly she stayed seated and just waved hello. We sat there not saying a word....my aunt who knew...tried to get us to talk to him but I couldn't. Thank God he figured out I didn't want anything to do with him and stayed far from us. He and his family left shortly. 

******* cause so many problems in my life and it's like he forgot or just pushed it aside as if nothing happened.

So, I expect your cousin would behave in a somewhat similar manner. As if nothing happened. It will stay a secret. Just avoid him , as if he never existed. Then, take a long shower. Take care. Many blessings.


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## Tomara

I have tons on my shoulders but been thinking. I will call the cousin and tell him not to show up. I have the backing of two men that said they would help me should he be there. I feel the need to stand up for myself. Yet tonight I have been in tears missing the woman that always had my back. She was/is wonderful.










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## Vinnydee

Very sorry to hear that. My dad is 90 and my mom is 87. Every time I see my sister's phone number on my caller ID, I dread what she is going to say. I think it feels very different when you truly feel that you are on your own. I have always thought that worse come to worse, I had a bed and hot meals waiting for me at my parent's home. Once they are gone, I have no more loving safety net.


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## brooklynAnn

She is beautiful like her daughter. This day is for you to celebrate your mum's life. You have the absolute right to only have those who you want there. You don't ever need to acknowledge him in your life every again. More power to you sister.


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## Tomara

My Dad is going down this weekend to spend the weekend with my abuser. Plan is to get the *******s number from my dads phone. Call him and tell him not to show up the the funeral or I will make sure my father knows he raped me. I haven't truly grieve my mothers death with all the stuff going on. Why did I have to be the good daughter? When I would rather use my new gun to take care of him.


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## Tomara

Vinnydee said:


> Very sorry to hear that. My dad is 90 and my mom is 87. Every time I see my sister's phone number on my caller ID, I dread what she is going to say. I think it feels very different when you truly feel that you are on your own. I have always thought that worse come to worse, I had a bed and hot meals waiting for me at my parent's home. Once they are gone, I have no more loving safety net.




It's that feeling of a safety net that your parents bless you with. I know I so miss my mothers friendship. 


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## Affaircare




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## growing_weary

So sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to heal. I have been there.


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## Tomara

Okay here is a new one. I have my mothers family calling me to request pictures that my mother had of her side of the family. These are things that have hung in my mothers home since I could remember. They are not pictures that can be copied due to their age. Damn she hasn't been gone for long and the scavengers are coming out. This makes me angry . I have not had time to grieve her loss let alone deal with this crap. Advice before I blow up family? 


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## SunCMars

Tomara said:


> BP
> I do feel like* I am out of body just watching the play. *
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


A noteworthy glimpse of another dimension. One that can be a respite from life on the planet.

Let your mind soar.


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## SunCMars

When I think of dying.

I see the Dust Storm, the little odds and ends that go flying [up and away] taken by a wisp, a mild vortex on that fateful day.
It is the survivors that must make things "orderly" again. Put things back in their proper place.

But, that is not possible. There is a hole, a gap in your families fabric. A hole that once held the dear form of your departed loved one. Your Dear Mother is missing.

It is now your sworn duty to praise her. Praise your mother. Speak her name out loud. Keep her alive in your memory.

When all that knew her are gone.....too. Then she is really gone. As long as there is YOU....she lives on.

She live in you. What a warm place that must be.


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## Aspydad

Tomara said:


> Okay here is a new one. I have my mothers family calling me to request pictures that my mother had of her side of the family. These are things that have hung in my mothers home since I could remember. They are not pictures that can be copied due to their age. Damn she hasn't been gone for long and the scavengers are coming out. This makes me angry . I have not had time to grieve her loss let alone deal with this crap. Advice before I blow up family?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Here is what I would do - tell them that you are not ready to go through all the belongings yet which include family pictures. I would try to remember, that others close to my mother are missing her too and they are just reaching out for reminders of her as well. If they push further, I would just tell it like it is - when I am ready I will pick out what I want - the ones I do not want, we will set up a fair system for others to pick.

I remember when my Grandfather died (and Grandma had died a year earlier) that all of the family just took turns picking things - I got lucky and got the pictures I wanted anyway so it was a good deal for me.

Very sorry about your mothers passing!! My father is now in a nursing home as he has become a complete invalid - can't even feed himself. Not long before he goes and I know it is just going to kill me. I do feel for you!!


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## SunCMars

When Death meets me.


When Death meets me.
Meets me, Face to Non-face.
My face, yet warm….his a blur, a blue-grey blur, his cold breath just inches in front of my own.

He is going to kiss me, this shadow, this non-being.
He is going to envelop me. Possess that which he has not.

In that instant…..
I will be taken, I die…
And for a brief moment he lives.


SunCMars……during a lucid moment

My favorite music....


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## SunCMars

Tomara said:


> Okay here is a new one. I have my mothers family calling me to request pictures that my mother had of her side of the family. These are things that have hung in my mothers home since I could remember. They are not pictures that can be copied due to their age. Damn she hasn't been gone for long and the scavengers are coming out. This makes me angry . I have not had time to grieve her loss let alone deal with this crap. Advice before I blow up family?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


These pictures can be scanned.
Photo shops can restore the old and create new fresh copies.

YES, YES give them copies. Give them excellent copies. 

She lives in your mind. She lives in those photos. This is keeping her alive in others memories. 

These people are not scavengers. They want some piece of your mother. What a good thing this is.

The worst thing that can happen to a person is to live a long life and then be immediately forgotten.

Believe me!

SCM


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## Tomara

Unfortunately this picture cannot be removed from its frame without damage to the picture otherwise I would be happy to make a copy. My aunt called again I told her mom had not been gone yet a month and I was not going to remove things that have been having on the walls in her house since I was little. Besides, my father was still is alive so they belong to him and not me. I am sure this made her mad. Really not my choice. Thank you for the advice.


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## Openminded

I would take a picture with your phone of whatever it is that she wants and send that to her.


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## Tomara

today has been my nightmare. It's two months and it's starting to hit me hard. I haven't been able to grieve because everyone needed me strong. I can't be strong anymore. I have nowhere to turn and no one to really talk to. I have been sick, my father is depressed, my sister is in the path of the hurricane. I wish life would end because I can't take anymore


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## Personal

Hi Tomara I am sorry for your loss.

I have some loose thoughts to share, since you've got this far I think you can take it.

You don't have to hold it together for your family, there is strength in accepting how you feel and letting it wash over you.

Let it hit you as hard as it will, embrace it, touch it, feel it, know it and taste what it brings. Then accept it, accept your loss, not your fathers loss, nor your sisters, accept what you have lost.

It is strong to be true to how you feel, it is strong to accept your heartbreak, it is strong to know your limits, it is strong to rest when you need that rest.

You can't save your father from how he feels, just as you can't save your sister from how she feels. You have all lost, you all share that loss, yet all of you will have lost some different things as part of your loss.

Let it out, cry if you feel you need to, don't hate yourself if you don't cry, rage, get angry, be silent, sit by a tree, do whatever gets you through. Go out for yourself, meet new people, stay in, contemplate alone, get a massage, touch someone, tell of your fears, and don't be afraid to share the dark. Do whatever gets you through, as your feelings wash through you.

Let the dusty ground mix with the air, let your weight down.


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## Tomara

I told my father about the abuse. He got very angry at me. Told me I should have dealt with this years ago and an old man of 77 didn’t need to hear this stuff. I just turned and walked away. We didn’t speak for three full days. It has not been talked about since. It’s hard when the victim is made to feel bad. 


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## Openminded

That's very sad but, unfortunately, not surprising at his age. Many of his generation are like that. And blaming the victim is the reason why many who are abused never tell. I didn't tell because I knew without a doubt that my mother would blame me. It's very likely displaced anger on his part that it happened to you. But, still, that obviously isn't right and you need to tell him so. Don't rug-sweep and let him get away with what he said.


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## jorgegene

He may not like to hear it, but his reaction is cowardly.

He needs to stand up straight like a man and hear the truth, 77 years or not.

Where are his protective instincts for his little girl? Where is his fury? Where is his wrath over 
Such a terrible wrong?

Is he a man or a mouse?


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## Tomara

Truthfully he has never been able to deal with real emotions. Only with my mother did the loving side come out. He has alway been hard on me, it’s just tiring and sad. 


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## Openminded

^^^

He needs to hear you say that. 

Tell him.


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## NJ2

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 2 years ago and my father almost a year to the day after that. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel whenever you feel it. Hold no guilt. There is no right or wrong way to grieve- we all do it in our own way.

I was angry with both of my parents for dying. Angry that they hadnt been the perfect parents I had wanted them to be. I was also devastated to lose my support system- my cheering squad- my people who knew me and loved me best. I was guilty for feeling too strong and being happy about the money they left me, I felt guilty that I was the "good" daughter who supported them through their lengthy illnesses emotionally and physically- and I often resented it. 

I was also grateful to have had this special time with them together. It was time we would not have had together under other circumstances and allowed me to know them in a deeper way.

I too was sexually abused by a cousin and hadnt seen him in 40 years -until he showed up right before my father died. Everyone expected me to behave as though nothing had happened. My brother and father knew what he had done. My father thought as my mother had that I was to blame for allowing it to happen. I was not to speak of it or rock the boat. I felt I needed to stand up for myself as well but also didnt find that I had the strength to do it. I visited my father once while he was there and stayng a short time and being polite. I did not attend any other "event" that he was at. It was somewhat empowering to see him as an adult- an equal so to speak- he had no influence on me really- he was just a person -pathetic at best- ******* at worst. His life had left him 3x divorced, his children no longer speak to him. It was a bit of a shoulder shrug moment. ... but I still chose not to be around him for the rest of his stay. I did not feel like I owed anyone and explanation. Play it by ear and do whatever you want with regards to your cousin. See him, dont see him. He is but a mere speck in your life.

The pain and grief changes with time. It can take you out at the knees and leave you sobbing while you pray to get through it- it can also fill you with warmth and sunshine from the love you remember. There will be signs of your mothers continuing presence in your life if you are open to them- A bird singing in a tree above you, a butterfly lighting on your hand, a warm wind on a sunny day.

You will be ok. You will get through it. You are not alone.


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## Tomara

NJ2..... thank you for sharing with me, you provided me with strength and know I am not out there alone. I choose never to see my abuser. I hope now he is mostly out of my life. My Dads reaction.... he can own, not me! I have spent the last ten years of my life taking care of both mom and now Dad. I entered into that agreement because of the love in my heart for both of them. Mom is gone and now I do for my father. I thank you for your encouraging words. 


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