# Is it happening again?



## bearkitten11 (Nov 15, 2011)

Back in October I caught my boyfriend texting with a co-worker.. I even went as far as talking to the co-worker, who caught her husband having an affair.. she was very kind.. and all of the texts and calls stopped.

My boyfriend started a new job with the govt in November. We were still dealing with the aftermath of the co-worker situation. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping.. and overall, crying all of the time. Things have been rough to say the least. 

I've become extremely paranoid that it is going to happen again. I am just going to come right out & say it.. I am pitiful. All of my confidence is gone- I am empty inside, and completely broken. Another female co-worker text BF back in Nov.. which did not help things.. then again over Christmas.. and again yesterday. He says he doesn't speak to her, not friends, etc.. He has the option to block #s with his cell provider, but didn't want to.. says he does not want to deal with anymore s--- because he already has enough to deal with. Just defends all of this.. saying work is like college, you go there, you make friends, and it doesn't mean anything outside of work is going to happen. Well, I am sorry.. I am just not there yet! We discussed all of this before.. he was in agreement to leave work friends AT work... I am just not comfortable yet with him texting and carrying on with "just a coworker"... now that seems to have changed. 

I know I should end things. I know I should. But I am completely addicted to this person. It's awful! Our love was SO wonderful, and beautiful.. and he has been one of the only people I have ever truly trusted in my life. 

I cry and ask what I can do to make him love me like he used to? He says he does love me like he used to.. there is nothing I need to change. Our sex life has gone from 3x a wkend (long distance relationship) to 1x.. he says he is exhausted from all of the fighting, exhausted from work (brutal training), and he feels like he can't breathe anymore... He doesn't greet me like he used to (grab me up, kiss me, etc).. now it is a peck and a hug. 

I want this burden to be GONE! It is so heavy on my heart, I feel sick by it. I can not bare another minute of carrying this on my heart. 

How do I let my paranoia go? He says he loves me.. nothing is going on (still says nothing happened with the coworker, so I don't know).. I have checked his bill every single day, nothing except this new coworker 3x so far.. and his defending it.. which doesn't sit well with me..

Two nights ago, I decided enough is enough.. I did not want to think, or feel this way and I was just going to let it GO! I was happy.. we laughed.. he was happy.. I felt special and loved again.. then the next day this girl is texting.. and he is having lunch with her (and another co-worker).. and it all goes to hell. Every time I get to the point of letting it all go.. something more pops up like this that sets me back. 

I want to spend my life with this person.. I just don't know how to stop worrying..


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

bearkitten11 said:


> Back in October I caught my boyfriend texting with a co-worker. ... I am pitiful. ... Another female co-worker text BF back in Nov.. which did not help things.. then again over Christmas.. and again yesterday. ... He has the option to block #s with his cell provider, but didn't want to. ... he was in agreement to leave work friends AT work. ... I know I should end things. I know I should. But I am completely addicted to this person. ... Our sex life has gone from 3x a wkend (long distance relationship) to 1x. ... he is having lunch with her ... I want to spend my life with this person.. I just don't know how to stop worrying..


Your boyfriend is probably cheating on you with someone else. Decreased sex and increased texting is a red flag. At the very least, you know that he doesn't respect your feelings enough to not have lunch with the woman he is texting.

My advice is to leave this man before you end up married with children and having to deal with increased aftermath from a divorce. And you will have this problem. If you're not strong enough to leave him when there is nothing tethering you to him, he knows you won't be strong enough to be a single mom with a mortgage.

So, either leave him now, or be prepared for a very long, very sad, life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

bearkitten11 said:


> I know I should end things. I know I should. But I am completely addicted to this person. It's awful! *Our love was SO wonderful, and beautiful.. and he has been one of the only people I have ever truly trusted in my life*.


The bolded part goes against your entire post. You don't trust him and you don't have a good relationship because you said yourself you fight a lot and your sex life is lacking. 

What was in the text messages that caught your eye because you did not explain here. 

Bottom line is you say this is your "boyfriend" and long-distance. If this relationship is causing you this much grief, then axe it. Life is too short to be spent in a relationship that exhausts you.


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## bearkitten11 (Nov 15, 2011)

@jellybeans... I simply meant the relationship we had before all of this took place. Thank you for your input.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the texts say from his co-worker? Were they just things about work or were they inappropriate? Explain.


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## bearkitten11 (Nov 15, 2011)

He's a deleter... with the first co-worker I found "hey darling" an something about her comfy butt... all other texts were deleted before I could see them. 

I've not seen the texts this time.. and he said he's already deleted them. I know about them because I check the bill.. he was upfront about the text over Christmas.. but yesterday he waited awhile before telling me.. (I had told him yesterday morning I didn't want to check the bill anymore.. and I felt ready to trust him that he would be upfront with me if something came up..) 

In the right frame of mind, I don't believe he has feelings for her.. but my fear consumes me. It is my fault that all of the fighting is going on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fear is a useless emotion. It keeps people from doing things they should. Keeps you frozen.

If he's acting shady and not being 100% transparent, dump him. Don't do something stupid like get married to a guy you can't trust, who does nothing to earn your trust.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

Oh, you are very confused aren't you? I will make a few suggestions.

Try the 180. It will help you regain your self esteem, while the issue your man is bringing to the relationship is working itself out.

There is no immediate fix. This is a life experience you must endure to the end, whether the end be it is fixed, and behind your relationship, and your both stronger from it somehow, or you regain your footing, stand up and say no more.

Love can be addicting, and like most addictions sometimes they are unhealthy. That is what I am suggesting to you. Your relationship has become unhealthy to you and to him. 

Do the 180 not to manipulate him or the relationship, but get get your feet back under you, to find yourself again. You have emersed yourself in the idea of love, and lost yourself there. This is never healthy. Find yourself, love yourself, the rest will work itself out, and you will be better for it.


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