# I don't think we're gonna make it...



## tvalenziano (Oct 9, 2008)

I have been searching for a forum like this for a while. Needed to get some real opinions...

My wife and I have been married for 2.5yrs. And have a planned 7month old baby.

I don't want to just go on a rant that no one will read/react to, but it's just not working anymore...to the point where I feel the only reason I'm still at all "in it" is because of our son and the fear of losing him, and what that will do to him...

I'm just completely and utterly unhappy. There's not a positive thing I can think of at this point.

-Nothing makes my wife happy anymore, its never enough. Shows absolutely no appreciation for anything.

-I am NEVER right or she is NEVER wrong, no matter WHAT the topic of convo/argument is, it's always her way...and yet she feels the exact opposite but I swear its not the case. I always feel I have to give in to her just to stop the ear bleeding... I am being very conservative with how I word this as I can go on forever with examples.

-Our sexlife is practically nonexistant and when we do have sex, its very routine/planned out...and almost always seems as its her doing me a favor.

-She could care less of my wants/needs/opinions *not just sexually. I mean ANYTHING from what we watch, to what we eat, to whats the best for our son, to finances, etc...

-We cannot communicate period. Either we argue/fight or we ignore/tolerate, no in between.

Basically we've come to a complete dead lock....

Now I am coming off calm, but please don't think that I am unable of putting my foot down, or trying to set things straight. I've tried many a times and have decided that its just not worth it to ME. She shrugs it off as yet another thing I am doing wrong.

SO...I try talking calm, honest yet careful. Explaining without too much emotion, and no anger. I am again shrugged off as not being crazy because its actually MY fault... If I continue to press the issue, I get glazed/rolling eyes and pretty much zero input...aka shuts down.

SO...I try the compromise/make a deal thing. Actually go at it like a business negotiation. What can I do better, and in return can you try and do this... This has worked for about 2-3days and thats IT then back to the usual fighting over the smallest thing. When approached about what went wrong, again glazed eyes/shutdown.

SO...I try the yes dear approach to everything. Whatever she wants I'll try and do for the sake of my sanity if nothing else. This becomes increasingly difficult as there is no appreciation on her end. Only more want, and less thanks...

SO...I try the scientific/evidence approach. Confront her with only facts supporting my words. Giving detailed examples of when/where/how. I'm met with "i dont remember", or "i dont keep track of things like that"...

SO...I get to the point where all i can think is "whats the point in trying". I mean it isn;t going to work, she won't put any effort into fixing the marriage, she swears I'm always wrong and I always have things my way...yet this is the EXACT opposite and no matter what I can not show her.

I know marriage is supposed to be ups/downs. But since walking down the aisle its been down, down down down. It's to the point where I dread being together for i know what it will bring. I'd rather work late at the office doing unimportant things just to prolong the agony. But then I have my son who is my world. So I go home, give a quick meaningless HI, and roll around with my baby boy. Then he's put to sleep and we are either arguing or completey ignoring each other...no in between. No more dinners, no more laughing, no more sex, no more smiles, no more hugging, NOTHING. 

On top of everything, I recently unexpectedly lost my brother and have had no "partner" to speak of to help me thru the things troubling me about that.
On top of that, we are having some financial problems as my industry is real estate.
On top of that, we are planning a move to NY to be with the rest of my family so the baby can have a whole family not just mom/dad. The recent loss in our family has made us both agree that its important to be closer to them.

I love my wife, and I love the idea of having a family. I dont have a problem with being commited to her. The problem I have is that #1 she has changed drastically for the worse since we were dating, #2 we simply do not have a partnership or marriage or even friendship. We are like 2 coworkers who dont like each other forced to grin and bear for the sake of the office. 

Please give me some real world things to help me save my marriage if there is a way. i honestly am at a loss. I can't bear the thought of divorce ONLY because of our son, I really think if it weren't for him I would have already packed up. But I'm hoping some of you can help me make things work somehow. 
I feel guilt even saying some of these things outloud, but the reality is although I love my wife very much and really want to (and have tried) to make things work, the situation has become unbearable/toxic for not just me but both of us...AND i can only imagine the impact that will have on our son if it continues..

Sorry this did end up being a rant, but I guess I needed to get it out...

PS--She kinda laughs at the idea of counseling, and I (and others) suspect her of having some kind of depression or personality disorder. Not physco, just maybe a couple underlying issues which of course are completely ridiculous theories...


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Well without counciling or communications your not going to head in a good direction. Have you tried getting her the 5 love languages (book) or seeing fireproof with her. Maybe one of these can spur you both in the right direction.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You're in a grid lock because you both want to be right. I really think you should refocus on working through this. It is not her. it is both of you. You will come across these problems no matter what relationship you get into. 

It is a pain, its lonely, frustrating, and down right miserable sometimes. I know. ive been struggling with my H for three years now. 

You're going to have to rethink what your motives are when you talk to her. Its obvious you want to be right, or 'win' a battle with her. You will always lose trying to do this. You say you love her but your communication towards her does not sound very loving. its sounds aggressive and resentful. 

Drac already mentioned the Five Love Languages, which is really good. 

What has helped me the most to clear up resentment and enable me to be more respectful, or loving, of my spouse was working on my boundaries. There's tons of information online about it and i also recommend _Boundaries in Marriage_, the book and workbook, by Dr. Townsend & Cloud or/and Dr.Phil's _Relationship Rescue_ book and workbook (this one was kind of wordy for me but doesnt focus on God like Townsend's book). It will help clear up the resentment that's built up between you two.


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## tvalenziano (Oct 9, 2008)

Believe me if I sound resentful its because I'm tired of trying and getting nowhere.

As for being aggressive I stated the several different ways I've tried to communicate this to her with no luck. It;s not just once or twice that I tried those methods, its a constant attempt.

And I m not trying to win a battle, I'm simply need to have my voice heard in this marriage. The minute I utter an opinion she immediately presses her opposite opinion on me. Doesnt matter the topic. Could be literally anything. 
If I could at least have her consider the possibility that my thoughts on things may not be insane and completely dissmissable then at least things would see-saw between us. But as it stands I cannot deal with the way she acts towards me. So yes there is some resentment as I said, but how can one not feel this way???
I know there's 2 sides to every story, but what I'm giving is indeed an accurate account of things without exaggeration or bias...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tvalenziano said:


> So yes there is some resentment as I said, but how can one not feel this way???


Dont worry i still feel resentment towards my H, too. But if you want the family life you have planned in your head, you'll have to get through it. 

what'd you think about getting the books Drac and I suggested?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

tvalenziano said:


> I know there's 2 sides to every story, but what I'm giving is indeed an accurate account of things without exaggeration or bias...


you say that...but listen to yourself from your earlier post:

>>>>>>SO...I try talking calm, honest yet careful. Explaining without too much emotion, and no anger. I am again shrugged off as not being crazy because its actually MY fault... If I continue to press the issue, I get glazed/rolling eyes and pretty much zero input...aka shuts down.

SO...I try the compromise/make a deal thing. Actually go at it like a business negotiation. What can I do better, and in return can you try and do this... This has worked for about 2-3days and thats IT then back to the usual fighting over the smallest thing. When approached about what went wrong, again glazed eyes/shutdown.

SO...I try the yes dear approach to everything. Whatever she wants I'll try and do for the sake of my sanity if nothing else. This becomes increasingly difficult as there is no appreciation on her end. Only more want, and less thanks...

SO...I try the scientific/evidence approach. Confront her with only facts supporting my words. Giving detailed examples of when/where/how. I'm met with "i dont remember", or "i dont keep track of things like that"...

SO...I get to the point where all i can think is "whats the point in trying". I mean it isn;t going to work, she won't put any effort into fixing the marriage, she swears I'm always wrong and I always have things my way...yet this is the EXACT opposite and no matter what I can not show her.<<<<<

all your points start off with "I"...it's just a choice of words...but "WE" is your solution...that's where something like a good qualified counselor would help...and draconis has referred to the movie "fireproof"...it might inspire you both to take positive action...


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## sniffles1 (Oct 18, 2008)

I have to say I have the same prob with my husband and i dont see what your doing as trying to win at all i have the same problem i started writing a journal so i can go back and see what was said and when it happened trying to show him how he is and it still doesnt work he thinks i make it up as i go he is very headstrong and so am i this is a marriage of almost 3 years also of someone who loved me for almost 20 years and how can people treat people this way and not know what they are doing? there is no communication its as you said fighting or ignoring no in between if i try to talk i get yelled at and things thrown in my face its very hard to deal with a spouse who says they love you and then wont communicate with you in any way to include sex his excuse now for that is that there is anamosity built up that makes him not attracted to me well if he had talked to me about what he was feeling that would have never happened it a big cirlce and a nightmare.


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## Godiva (Nov 7, 2008)

Have you ruled out post-partum depression? 

Also, I've read your entire post and did not read a single act committed or duty omitted by your wife to deserve your absolute assertions of "nothing making her happy, she is ALWAYS right, there is no positive thing." 

I really want to sympathize, but I feel like I'm getting a very one-sided story. Please feel free to elaborate with concrete examples.


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