# Need Some MAJOR Advice



## ExtremelyConfused (Jul 27, 2012)

Hello,

I am going to make this I as short as I possibly can. I really need some advice as I do not know what to do in my current situation.

My husband is in the military. He cheated on me a few months before we were married (that was 3 years ago). He did not admit to the cheating until a year ago. I have been trying to process the whole thing and forgave him. I found out a few months ago that he had been going back and forth on Facebook with another women. It was almost to the point of being sexual. She was basically the one that was trying to lead him in that direction. 

After my husband admitted to the first cheating - I told him that if he ever did anything like that again - I would divorce him. After I found out about the Facebook conversation - I confronted him. He began to get very cold with me. He told me that he loved me but that he was unhappy with himself. He said he felt depressed and could never make me as happy as he felt I should be. A few weeks after this point he simply became a mean person. It was as if he was intentionally trying to push me further away. After my encouragement - he began seeing a counselor. He refused to go to a marriage counselor with me though. 

I decided that it would be best for me to not be with a person that seemed to look for "attention" from others when he was unhappy. Also, a person that lied way too much about the littlest of things, constantly put himself down and continuously told me that I should move on and find someone better than him.

I left him and filed for divorce. He signed the paperwork and got it back to me. We are still not legally divorced as there is a 90 day waiting period. Only 30 days have passed since the filing of the paperwork. The paperwork will be final at the beginning of October. 

Now, this is what I need advice about. 

After not hearing from my husband for the last month - he sent me a text today. He did not ask how I was doing or anything like that. He basically went on to tell me that he is very sorry for what went on. He apologized for not treating me how he felt that he should have and told me that I will never leave his thoughts and heart. He also told me that he is in still in love with me, that I am the only one that has ever kept him sane. He went on to speak about how unhappy he is with himself, that he is not a good person, that he has no emotions. He said that he can't face his emotions because when he does he misses me and can't bare that feeling. Also that he has been drinking 95% of the time that I have been away from him.

He told me that he has stopped seeing the counselor. That the counselor told my husband that his type of therapy would probably not work on my husband. 

I don't know what to make of all of this. I can't understand why he would say all of those things? He didn't ask how I was doing or about any recent events. I have also been dealing with my older brother having cancer. My husband didn't ask about that. 

My husband has many mental issues that he refuses to deal with. He was in Afghanistan for quite awhile. He definitely has PTSD. He grew up in a family that severely abused and neglected him. His Mother passed away two years ago while he was in Afghanistan. 

I have tried so damn hard to support this man. I have helped him, encouraged him, been 100% faithful to him and most importantly loved him. 

How much should I be willing to take though?! It has been really hard for me to move on. I am very happy with myself, have high self esteem/confidence and definitely know what real love is. The love that I felt (and still feel) for him is the strongest love that I have felt in my life. We have had many happy and wonderful times together. There have also been some horrible ones. When he is not around his family or alone with other soldiers - he is a caring and good man. But when he is with other people way too much - he seems to take on their likes/dislikes and personalities.

I have a feeling that as the days go by - he will try to suck me back into his world. I truly believe and know for sure that I am the only positive person that has been in his life. I think that he is self destructing and has now realized how deep the hole is that he has dug for himself. 

I cannot help but feel sorry for him and want to help him out of that hole. If I couldn't help him find happiness within himself before though - how could I possibly do it now?

Can someone please tell me how I should be reacting to all of this? What do I say to my soon-to-be ex-husband? Do I continue to speak with him and listen to what he has to say? Or do I tell him to simply leave me alone? Why do I still love and care for him this much even though he hurt me?!

It seems like this is all a giant cycle that happens over and over again with him. He is happy and feeling great about our marriage, but then he intentionally does something to sabotage that happiness. We argue, he tells me that he can never make me happy and is unhappy with himself and then some sort of separation ensues. He then comes running back to me with a bunch of sweet talk. 

I cannot speak with family members about all of this. Every single one of them despise my husband and would probably be angry at me if they knew that I even gave him the time of day.

Someone please help me. 

Thanks for listening. I truly appreciate it. I hope all of my jumble makes some sort of sense!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You know he treated you badly after you confronted for the second FB event?
Do you still have hopes of recovery?
If he was remorseful, he would have demonstrated so far.
He had an affair during the first two years of marriage.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

In most cases I advocate for reconciliation. I feel that if there is even a shred of hope, a relationship should really be given a chance to recover, grow stronger, and evolve into something more healthy than what was there before. 

You have rightfully identified the issues that are before you. Your husband has mental health needs that should be addressed as soon as possible. Obviously without knowing all the details its impossible to say where you two actually are, but I highly doubt you could work on the relationship until some, if not all, of his mental health needs are addressed. 

I think letting the divorce go final is in your best interest at the moment. If you want to continue talking to him, you should insist that he go back and start seeing a counselor as soon as possible. I would also insist on couples counseling, even after the divorce is final. 

best of luck to you, please keep us posted.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Paladin said:


> In most cases I advocate for reconciliation. I feel that if there is even a shred of hope, a relationship should really be given a chance to recover, grow stronger, and evolve into something more healthy than what was there before.
> 
> You have rightfully identified the issues that are before you. Your husband has mental health needs that should be addressed as soon as possible. Obviously without knowing all the details its impossible to say where you two actually are, but I highly doubt you could work on the relationship until some, if not all, of his mental health needs are addressed.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> That the counselor told my husband that his type of therapy would probably not work on my husband.


Huh?

That's peculiar! Never heard of a therapist just giving up that way!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There are several things that jump out at me when you describe your husband.

1. He is a serial cheater--and he admits that he does it for self-validation

2. Some cheaters do act the way that your husband does, they are full of self-loathing, they feel unloveable. We can all speculate that his childhood had a lot to do with that. People who believe at their core that they don't deserve love can be self-destructive; they push others away because this validates their theory. They often don't understand how anyone could love them, much less you. So they set out to prove that you couldn't possibly love them, either, by engaging in behavior that will cause you to reject them.

3. You describe him as taking on the qualities of other people when he's around them. Perhaps he does that with you too, and that's why you like him when he's just with you. He's mirroring your kindness and good qualities, they fill a vacuum because he himself doesn't know who he really is.

I am not a therapist and all I've done is read what others have posted on this forum, but that last quality sounds a great deal like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is extremely difficult to diagnose and treat. BPD'ers often quit therapy before diagnosis, and therapists are reluctant to give their problem a name, particularly to the patient, believe it or not. An abusive childhood is one of the main commonalities that many BPDers share if i understand it correctly.

You have extricated yourself from him, and I would keep it that way. If he isn't at least in therapy, he doesn't have a prayer of changing and improving himself. He has to want to do that. So the therapist gave up on him (or so he says); he needs to find another one. That's what I'd tell him. But as far as a future, he needs to get his act together, not "need" you to fill his vacuum inside, or you will just fall into the same cycles, I expect


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> There are several things that jump out at me when you describe your husband.
> 
> 1. He is a serial cheater--and he admits that he does it for self-validation
> 
> ...


This...









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is focused on himself as evidenced from his response to you. It was all about him. Nothing has changed.

Some people need their anger, hurt and permanent emotional crisis. It's a crutch. Counseling does not work for them because they have not intention of changing. They get too much power from the permanent emotional crisis. For your husband it allows him to get make excuses for all sorts of bad behaviors.. after all he has no control over all this hurt and anger he carries around. It allows him to control his environment.. it makes him the center of attention.

How much of your marriage was focused on you and how much on him? Most on him right due to his anger, bad moods, affairs, etc. See how the permanent emotional crisis pays off? He gets to be the center of attention and control everything. This kind of power, born and nurtured from crisis is hard for him to give up.

You cannot change him. You can only change yourself and what situations you put yourself into.

Is this really the life you want? You might want to go to individual counseling and explore why you are drawn to a person who lives in crisis. It is the 'excitement'? Is your life so dull because you are on an even keel so you need the brain chemistry boost that his emotional crisis creates?

Why did you email him after you filed for divorce and had decided that you did not want all this nonsense in your life? Note that he did not seek you out, you went after reestablishing contact with him.

You will not be able to fall out of love with him until you have been out of contact with him for a year.. this has to do with brain chemistry not with 'love'. Look at the 180 link in my signature block below. Interact with him as prescribed in the 180. You have no children with him? Do not contact him at all. If he contacts you end the contact as quickly as possible. Respond only as much as you need to. There is no need to respond to the email he sent you. Ignore it. IT was yet another selfish, selfcentered thing from him.

Move on with your life. I am a strong advocate of marriage when the marriage has redeeming qualities. Your marriage had few if any.


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## M2lngha1 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ok, you need to understand a few things. You and he dropped the ball right from the first confession he made. Your threat of divorce was the wrong response. Counseling was the right answer then and it's the right answer now! Quit trying to do something you're incapable of doing, only he can find the happiness he's seeking within himself but he must first set aside his pride and admit to himself that he has some underlining, unresolved personal issues! Again, this requires professional help, not your personal counseling, you have your own share of issues you need to try and resolve because of his actions. This will only work if the two of you are committed to saving the marriage. And the only way to find out if that's the case is to communicate!

Anthony Taylor
Relationship Advice 
http://yourrelationshipadviceblog.com/


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

ExtremelyConfused

You maybe extremely confused because of the emotions involved but you have articulated the situation very well.

Here is what you have said:



> After I found out about the Facebook conversation - I confronted him. He began to get *very cold with me*. He told me that he loved me but that *he was unhappy with himself*. He said he felt depressed and could never make me as happy as he felt I should be. A few weeks after this point he simply *became a mean person*. It was as if he was intentionally trying to push me further away.
> 
> “…he has been *drinking 95% of the time* that I have been away from him.”
> 
> ...



Your husband is to be pitied but pity will not do one thing for him or you. I do hope that he gets professional help because he is really a very damaged person.

*ExtremelyConfused, YOU CANNOT FIX HIM! If you try you will go down and may never recover.* 

Can someone please tell me how I should be reacting to all of this? 
What do I say to my soon-to-be ex-husband? 

Cut off all communication with him and make him realize that you are dead serious. If you are not real strong in the area of knowing that you are not responsible for his life then get some help so that you can be strong in that truth. 


Do I continue to speak with him and listen to what he has to say? 
NO. 


Or do I tell him to simply leave me alone?
YES 

Why do I still love and care for him this much even though he hurt me?!

Because you are human and you have got emotionally wrapped up in him. That is what happens in a marriage. But do not let those emotions keep you in this very destructive relationship. This man needs help way beyond what you can do.

This is your situation. 
You have found yourself in a situation where your canoe was tipped over by the other person on purpose. That other person, a large physically strong man that you have got attached to that has chosen to not learn to swim, is drowning and you have a choice. You can swim to him and try and help him or you can swim to safety and save your life. *If you try to save him you do not have the ability to fight him off and he will drown both of you.*

I know that sounds so hard but unfortunately in your case that is reality.

I am very happy with myself, have high self esteem/confidence and definitely know what real love is

*If you make the right choice now you will sustain your self/esteem/confidence and will be able to love again. If you make the wrong choice you will get worn down and loose what you had.*

It is very sad that your husband is so damaged but it is not your fault and you cannot fix him. Do not let your pity, need to rescue him, and other emotions overrule reality. You will be the one that experience the consequences of your choices. 

Just read your own words above that I have put in bold.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Mr Blunt said:


> This is your situation.
> You have found yourself in a situation where your canoe was tipped over by the other person on purpose. That other person, a large physically strong man that you have got attached to that has chosen to not learn to swim, is drowning and you have a choice. You can swim to him and try and help him or you can swim to safety and save your life. *If you try to save him you do not have the ability to fight him off and he will drown both of you.*


Very good analogy.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Look after yourself and good will come. You are not here to save others.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

You've gotten great advice on this thread. Just chiming in that this guy is 87 flavors of effed up. It's not your job to save him. Really. You're a good person and so not saving him feels like letting him down, letting yourself down, letting go of certain ideas you have about yourself (I'm someone who helps people in need).

He is manipulating you. He needs to be invested in his OWN saving and I don't see that. Instead, he's a pity vampire, looking for you to buy his "poor him" routine. Poor YOU. He's cheated on you, and left you in an awful position. 

Please back away from the crazy. It's okay to save yourself. Essential really. Do not feel ONE BIT guilty. (((Hugs)))


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