# A little sad..



## My 8 year mistake

What mends a broken heart?


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## happyhusband0005

Depends on what caused the broken heart.


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## Faithful Wife

Duct tape?




Forgive me....welcome to TAM. You'll have to tell us a bit about what is going on for us to help you.

Generally the wisdom on healing broken hearts is that time is the only thing that helps.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Accepting that sometimes we give love to the wrong person...


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## SadSamIAm

My 8 year mistake said:


> What mends a broken heart?


For me ....

It was non stop exercising for a year or so. Drinking too much for a couple of years. Meaningless sex a few times.

That is what I did ..... Helped somewhat

What mended the broken heart was time and then eventually meeting someone else.


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## SunCMars

SadSamIAm said:


> For me ....
> 
> It was non stop exercising for a year or so. Drinking too much for a couple of years. Meaningless sex a few times.
> 
> That is what I did ..... Helped somewhat
> 
> What mended the broken heart was time and *then eventually meeting someone else.*


That is the easiest way. 

Meeting a compatible, loving person.

Remember, most broken hearts have a hole in it.

Often times, a person of the opposite sex plugs the hole.

New, happy memories bury the old painful ones.


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## My 8 year mistake

happyhusband0005 said:


> Depends on what caused the broken heart.


Infidelity..


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## happyhusband0005

That's complicated, is the relationship over now? are you trying to forgive and move forward?. Lots of people here with lots of experience. Good advice to follow. Try to provide as much detail as possible so we understand what happened. How long have you been together? was it a long term affair? How did you find out?


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## Yeswecan

My 8 year mistake said:


> Infidelity..


I would assume you made the 8 year mistake?


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## aine

From your name (My 8 yr mistake) it suggests you were the one to commit infidelity? Are you male or female, what were the consequences of this infidelity? Does your spouse know?
YOu need to tell us more so we can help you. This is an anonymous forum.


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## happyhusband0005

aine said:


> From your name (My 8 yr mistake) it suggests you were the one to commit infidelity? Are you male or female, what were the consequences of this infidelity? Does your spouse know?
> YOu need to tell us more so we can help you. This is an anonymous forum.


Huh I thought the 8 year mistake was being with a spouse who ended up cheating. Hopefully we'll find out.


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## My 8 year mistake

Yeswecan said:


> I would assume you made the 8 year mistake?


I was with her for total 8 years, married for 3 years. Complete waste of time. I wouldn't have even looked at her if I had even a faint idea of what she was capable of. Divorce is in process- a really tiring experience.

It was my mistake- knowing her, loving her, marrying her. If I wasn't with her she couldn't have cheated on me.


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## Yeswecan

My 8 year mistake said:


> I was with her for total 8 years, married for 3 years. Complete waste of time. I wouldn't have even looked at her if I had even a faint idea of what she was capable of. Divorce is in process- a really tiring experience.


Sorry you are here. Sucks. 8 years wasted on a cheater... Many here have gone through it and are ready to help. Keep on posting.


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## jlg07

My 8 year mistake said:


> I was with her for total 8 years, married for 3 years. Complete waste of time. I wouldn't have even looked at her if I had even a faint idea of what she was capable of. Divorce is in process- a really tiring experience.
> 
> It was my mistake- knowing her, loving her, marrying her. If I wasn't with her she couldn't have cheated on me.


Very sorry you are here. PLEASE keep posting -- there are many folks on this site that have gone through this and can help you over the rough spots, provide counsel/ideas, etc..

Try to keep exercised, get enough to eat and sleep, and focus on YOU (do you have kids? If so, focus on them also -- if NOT, good for you, you won't need to even talk to her again after the divorce).


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## My 8 year mistake

Yeswecan said:


> Sorry you are here. Sucks. 8 years wasted on a cheater... Many here have gone through it and are ready to help. Keep on posting.


I've already forgiven her. She cheated because that is what she is. Drug addicts push/snort, drunks drink, cheaters cheat. It's solely her issue despite what what she says or believes. What really is an agony is the aftermath that the exposure brought. The OM begging me to convince his children to talk to him, OMW turning up at my parents place to convince them to set me up with her, and lesser said about to-be-ex and in-laws the better. I didn't sign up for the drama.


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## My 8 year mistake

And thank god no kids. That would have been really screwed up


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## happyhusband0005

You're smart to stay away from the drama, it won't help at all. Leave them to their drama. Leave it all in the rearview and just focus on what's in front of you. Lots of people will have advice on how to get yourself on the right path.


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## Marc878

Yep, you made a mistake but now you should be jumping for joy at getting out of this bull****


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## Marc878

Go no contact. Dark as night. Cut them all off. You'll be much better off


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## jlg07

"The OM begging me to convince his children to talk to him, OMW turning up at my parents place to convince them to set me up with her, "

!!!! WOW the OM had the nerve to ask YOU for help? You should have helped him to eat his own teeth. You are WELL out of this and since you can, you won't need to talk with her at all after this -- GOOD for you.

Did she say WHY she did this? Was it typical cheater speak -- it didn't mean anything, YOU were working too much/didn't pay enough attention to me/etc.??

Just wow -- they sound like nut jobs. Great that you are staying away...


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## My 8 year mistake

jlg07 said:


> "The OM begging me to convince his children to talk to him, OMW turning up at my parents place to convince them to set me up with her, "
> 
> !!!! WOW the OM had the nerve to ask YOU for help? You should have helped him to eat his own teeth. You are WELL out of this and since you can, you won't need to talk with her at all after this -- GOOD for you.
> 
> Did she say WHY she did this? Was it typical cheater speak -- it didn't mean anything, YOU were working too much/didn't pay enough attention to me/etc.??
> 
> Just wow -- they sound like nut jobs. Great that you are staying away...


My family knew the OM for quite a long while. Around 55 years with 2 daughters, the eldest being around 22 years. My father arranged with the OM's superior to get my wife a job in that organisation. The OMW has some psychiatric issue. The daughters do talk to my family from time to time. 

I was quite violent in my teens. But getting medieval on the OM is pointless. At the dawn of his life he did irreparable damage to his family. Let that eat away at him. His mind will torture him more than I can with any implement. 

My problem is I've done what is needed. But I have found no peace. There is constant ache, a reminder of the mess.


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## My 8 year mistake

I haven't talked to my wife since Dday. I've seen few texts from her before I blocked her. Just garden variety cheater justifications.


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## Emerging Buddhist

My 8 year mistake said:


> My problem is I've done what is needed. But I have found no peace. There is constant ache, a reminder of the mess.


So, what do you think is causing this ache?


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## My 8 year mistake

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So, what do you think is causing this ache?


That's what I need help with.. figuring about why I feel so?


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## Marc878

It maybe you are (like a lot) feeling the loss of what you thought you had but in reality it was never there. You may have been living in a fantasy that you created.

Time and no contact will bring you much needed clarity that you don't have upfront.

Give it some time and you'll be fine.

It maybe because you've woken up to the fact that you've wasted some of your life on this and shouldn't have. You can only fix that going forward and not doing a repeat.


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## Marc878

My 8 year mistake said:


> My family knew the OM for quite a long while. Around 55 years with 2 daughters, the eldest being around 22 years. My father arranged with the OM's superior to get my wife a job in that organisation. The OMW has some psychiatric issue. The daughters do talk to my family from time to time.
> 
> I was quite violent in my teens. But getting medieval on the OM is pointless. At the dawn of his life he did irreparable damage to his family. Let that eat away at him. His mind will torture him more than I can with any implement.
> 
> My problem is I've done what is needed. But I have found no peace. There is constant ache, a reminder of the mess.


None of these people are worth another second of your time. You are right to keep a cool head here. It just is not your problem now.


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## uhtred

Love is great at fixing broken hearts.


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## FeministInPink

My 8 year mistake said:


> I've already forgiven her. She cheated because that is what she is. Drug addicts push/snort, drunks drink, cheaters cheat. It's solely her issue despite what what she says or believes. What really is an agony is the aftermath that the exposure brought. The OM begging me to convince his children to talk to him, OMW turning up at my parents place to convince them to set me up with her, and lesser said about to-be-ex and in-laws the better. I didn't sign up for the drama.


Make sure you establish and enforce boundaries with these emotional vampires. Go no contact, block numbers, do whatever it takes to enforce.


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## Emerging Buddhist

My 8 year mistake said:


> That's what I need help with.. figuring about why I feel so?


Perhaps it is too much time spent looking behind you... you cannot focus on your present if you are too busy in the past.

If you include her in a single daily thought, it is too much.

If you don't need to relearn any lessons... let it go.


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## Emerging Buddhist

uhtred said:


> Love is great at fixing broken hearts.



...and get a motorcycle.

Trust me, your focus will change to be more you-centric..., besides, lot's of good people on bikes.


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## Marc878

Emerging Buddhist said:


> ...and get a motorcycle.
> 
> Trust me, your focus will change to be more you-centric..., besides, lot's of good people on bikes.


That's horrible advice. Everyone knows a convertible is the way to go >


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## SunnyT

It's ok to be sad or whatever.... about the things that SHOULD have been. Or how you thought it would be. 

But they're right. Let it go. Just say good bye in your own way. You could write a letter.... spill your heart and say goodbye to the relationship. 

Then realize that you've got to have a life that you love. Without her. 

You have to find your way. Whatever you do.... exercise, divorcecare.com, volunteering, a sports team, etc.... do it for YOU.


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## sunsetmist

You have learned from this heinous experience, but don't let it sour you on rebuilding your life. How old are you? How long since d-day? Time will be your friend. Don't accept any blame yourself--it is all on the cheater...

I'm sensing that you don't want to talk details about this, but if you haven't, sometimes talking to a trusted confident or in IC will help dispel the pain.


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## farsidejunky

It also has a tendency to make us sweep some nasty, personal things under the rug, only to have them rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times.


uhtred said:


> Love is great at fixing broken hearts.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Mizzbak

Have you forgiven yourself?

Much of my inability to let go of the past came from feeling stupid and gullible ... and needing to work through that. I let the person I was closest to pull the wool over my eyes ... and didn't see a shallow, silly woman pretending to be my friend for who she really was. It didn't just suck, it chipped away at my self-respect. So much of my sense of self-worth was rooted in my capacity to protect myself from deception. It didn't matter that I was morally in the right. What mattered was that I should have known better. 

There is a part of me that refused to let it go. And it dug up the pain and anger and hurt over and over again. Because if I didn't forget, if I was constantly remembering the hurt, then perhaps I could somehow prevent it, or anything like it, from happening again. Until dwelling on the pain and humiliation becomes an exercise in self-flagellation - punishment for being so very stupid and weak. 

The others on this thread are right. We cannot thrive in the present if we focus our energy on the past. My only way through this has been to work at forgiving myself, as much as I have my husband and the OW. For being fallible. For being human.


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## My 8 year mistake

Emerging Buddhist said:


> ...and get a motorcycle.
> 
> Trust me, your focus will change to be more you-centric..., besides, lot's of good people on bikes.


I was saving to get a harley iron. Now that money will pay for the alimony and advocate fees.


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## My 8 year mistake

Mizzbak said:


> Have you forgiven yourself?
> 
> .


I brought this on me. How can I forgive myself?


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## Mizzbak

How are you responsible for the choices and behaviour of another adult?


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## Marc878

My 8 year mistake said:


> I brought this on me. How can I forgive myself?


You made a bad choice. It's not the end of the world here man.

You took charge mad a decision and you'll be much better off after.

IMO you're doing better than most I've seen.

A lot wallow in indecision and just prolong their painfull stay in limbo.

Your better days are ahead of you. Make no mistake about that


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## Emerging Buddhist

My 8 year mistake said:


> I brought this on me. How can I forgive myself?


Ok, so you did... that was then, this is now.

Are you still doing what it was that caused so much suffering?

No.

That is loving yourself more... you are already on a path for forgiving yourself.


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## My 8 year mistake

Infidelity is a devastating experience not only because you question the present events but the entire shared past as well. That's what I've come to understand. I didn't know whether my to-be-ex actually ever loved me and that's why I couldn't move on. So I got in contact with her again. 

At least this time she didn't say I was the cause of her affair. Now her stance is the OM made her do it. I asked if he wanted her to kill her entire family what would have been her course of action. She said she would have- I kid you not- broken up with him because that is wrong. I ended our conversation then and there.

As far I can understand her idea of marriage and mine are quite different. Whether she loved me or not is immaterial. A married woman doesn't break with with a lover because she isn't supposed to have one. My to-be-ex didn't get that memo.


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## Marc878

Closure comes from within. You don't have kids so you'd be wise to cut all contact or you'll keep yourself bound up in this.


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## jlg07

"I brought this on me. How can I forgive myself?"
???WHAT? How did you "bring this on"??? This is your WIFE'S fault, NOT YOURS.
Even if you were a crappy husband, SHE CHOSE to cheat. If she was that unhappy with you, she should have DIVORCED you, not cheated.

This is NOT on you. YOU may need to get some counselling to help your grief - because you are mourning the loss of your marriage and what you thought your future would be.


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## sokillme

Time, if you want to get better.


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## Rick Blaine

Relationship endings are like uprooting trees. The longer you were married and happy the deeper and wider the root system. The deeper and wider the root system the longer the recovery.

Tremendous grief indicates love and commitment. It takes time. Let yourself process the grief. This too shall pass. But some scars will remain.


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## skerzoid

My 8 Year Mistake:

1. Start using the *180 Technique*. It is outlined here on this site.

2. *Detach, Detach, Detach*. Stop talking to her. Contact = Pain. She hasn't got a clue on how much she has hurt you and continues to hurt you. Sounds immature. You can't reason with a teenage mindset.

3. *All communication* through your attorney. 

4. *Close all mutually held accounts*, credit cards, checking, phone services, insurance, leases, etc.

5. *Get her off your will, life insurance, retirement, etc.*

6. *Income Tax Returns, Employment Records, Financial Records such as bank statements and loan information*. 

7. *Investment Account Statements*, Pension Plan Information, Retirement Savings Accounts, Debt Records,Social Security. 

8. Act with *Courage, Strength, and Decisiveness*. You have a good handle on this already. I admire your strength.


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## jsb

I came across this tweet on Twitter the other day:

"The pain may fade but never goes.
For all it takes is a memory to resurge.
Curses are blessings when they strengthen.
So make your sufferings count for something."

Hope this helps ...


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## arbitrator

*Late to the party, but if you're residing in a non-alimony State, then that's off the table, with the only thing that you'll be on the hook for would be your own legal fees. 

Since I see no mention of children with her, child support would be a non-existent matter!

I'd furthermore advocate you getting with a good IC to help you get through the emotional trauma and impact of this tragic episode! *


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## sunsetmist

Is there a specific thing or things you would change? We all have those in our lives. If so change that now, for you and your future, not for her.


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## Sparta

OP Something that might help you a little would be writing out your whole story. something therapeutic happens when you put pen to paper or typing it out on here and posting it.


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## My 8 year mistake

arbitrator said:


> *Late to the party, but if you're residing in a non-alimony State, then that's off the table, with the only thing that you'll be on the hook for would be your own legal fees.
> 
> Since I see no mention of children with her, child support would be a non-existent matter!
> 
> I'd furthermore advocate you getting with a good IC to help you get through the emotional trauma and impact of this tragic episode! *


I'm not in US.


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## My 8 year mistake

Sparta said:


> OP Something that might help you a little would be writing out your whole story. something therapeutic happens when you put pen to paper or typing it out on here and posting it.


I've been a lurker for the last 2 months and all workplace affairs I read about here are so alike, mine included that I might could copy and paste someone else's story and it would fit 99.99%.


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## sokillme

So now that you have posted more. 

Stop looking at the success of your marriage or your life by the outcomes (at least when it comes to unpredictable stuff like people). You can do everything right and you still might not get the desired outcome.

Nope the success or failure in this case comes from your own actions. Were you a good husband? Now maybe you were not, but even still you didn't deserve to be cheated on. If you were not a good husband you can change that the next time. If you were then you did all you could do in your relationship and were therefore a success. Start to think this way.

The only thing you can control in your life is your own actions, use that to get self-esteem from. Not people or events. It really helps you in life if you can really get this point.

Don't see this women as your only path to happiness. That is a very bad trap that you seem to be falling into and it's only going to lead to misery. If you can start to believe my point above it's a lot harder to do that because you get to the point where doing what is right makes you happy and frankly it's not that hard to do whats right. At that point you don't really need people in your life to make you feel that way. Relationships get all caught up in that too. Except your relationships get to be about serving others. At appropriate levels of course. 

Don't be to hard on yourself, this stuff is probably the hardest thing in our life to do well. Choosing a mate is a very hard process, we all have issues. Even the best marriages have places were the match isn't great and might be better with someone else. In your case the thing is people are very good at hiding their worse nature, even from themselves. It is very very rare that you go through life and don't have at least one of these. You were unlucky in that you happened to be married, still you were somewhat lucky in that you don't have kids. That is life, joy and pain. 

Finally like the bible says - to everything there is a season. It's OK and healing to mourn the death of a relationship, but only in a season. At some point you have to disciple your mind to move away from those thoughts. Just like the person who has their knee replaced has to at some point do the painful job of learning to walk again. But don't make the mistake of mourning your ability to ever have joy or happiness in your life again. Though it feels like that, it's a lie. Everyone here will tell you there is a lot more joy to come in your life, but you have to get out there and seek it sometimes. 

GD I sound like Tony Robbins today!


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## sokillme

jsb said:


> I came across this tweet on Twitter the other day:
> 
> "The pain may fade but never goes.
> For all it takes is a memory to resurge.
> Curses are blessings when they strengthen.
> So make your sufferings count for something."
> 
> Hope this helps ...


This has not been my experiences. There are lots of bad things that happened to me that I no longer feel any pain about. You have to believe that that is true for it to be true though. It also depends on your reaction and actions after it happens.


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## My 8 year mistake

sokillme said:


> Don't see this women as your only path to happiness.
> 
> !


Woman is the path to misery- that's what old and wise men tell me.


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## sokillme

My 8 year mistake said:


> Woman is the path to misery- that's what old and wise men tell me.


This was not my point and I assume that is a joke but still I said "this" women. Frankly no person is going to be a path to eternal happiness or really fulfillment.



> A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds.


No one should be judged by the worst of their kind. 

Women in general are awesome and as a man I think the best thing about this world. You just need to find a good one. Talk to a man who has had a good marriage and see what he says about his wife. Yes it's rare but it's worth looking for. 

No one should confuse me with some on here who seem to think women are the root of all their problems.



My 8 year mistake said:


> Woman is the path to misery- that's what old and wise men tell me.


This is not the message to take out of this event in your life.


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## Violet28

How long ago was D-Day? I think the first thing is to realize she was a big part of your life for a long time, you need time to adjust to the change, grieve the loss, come to terms with what happened and what it means for you. You are no longer a 'unit' with another person, you are now by yourself. Love doesn't disappear when someone hurts us but it can turn into something else if you let it, good or bad.


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## WorkingWife

My 8 year mistake said:


> I was with her for total 8 years, married for 3 years. Complete waste of time. I wouldn't have even looked at her if I had even a faint idea of what she was capable of. Divorce is in process- a really tiring experience.
> 
> It was my mistake- knowing her, loving her, marrying her. If I wasn't with her she couldn't have cheated on me.


I'm so sorry.

It's going to take time, no matter what. Be proud that you are ending this mistake. Try not to focus on the "wasted" years. What you are going through is very hard and obviously you will have those feelings. But You are here now and have the rest of your life ahead of you. You don't want to live it as a bitter person.

When you meet someone new, someone so much better, remember that those wasted years put you in position to meet the new person at the right time in both your lives. Small consolation, I know, but you are getting free of this mistake and you can have total control over your own life now. You can reinvent yourself any way you want. Good luck.


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## SunCMars

My 8 year mistake said:


> My family knew the OM for quite a long while. Around 55 years with 2 daughters, the eldest being around 22 years. My father arranged with the OM's superior to get my wife a job in that organisation. The OMW has some psychiatric issue. The daughters do talk to my family from time to time.
> 
> *I was quite violent in my teens. But getting medieval on the OM is pointless.* At the dawn of his life he did irreparable damage to his family. Let that eat away at him. His mind will torture him more than I can with any implement.
> 
> My problem is I've done what is needed. But I have found no peace. There is constant ache, a reminder of the mess.


Yes, me too on teen violence.

Any revenge should be years later.
Or, better yet, never at all.

Think of it this way...
Four prison walls making you permanently invisible are much worse than two familiar vaginal walls that closed tight on another man.
A man not you.

She got into drugs, into snorting, into her sucking........ air out of your marital sail.

....................................................................................

At age 55 years of age, the OM did great damage to his legacy, his rocking chair years.


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## GusPolinski

My 8 year mistake said:


> What mends a broken heart?


Generally speaking, time and distance.


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## BarbedFenceRider

My 8 year mistake said:


> I was with her for total 8 years, married for 3 years. Complete waste of time. I wouldn't have even looked at her if I had even a faint idea of what she was capable of. Divorce is in process- a really tiring experience.
> 
> It was my mistake- knowing her, loving her, marrying her. If I wasn't with her she couldn't have cheated on me.




^^^Very real. It makes you question EVERYTHING from that point on. And many from the past leading up to that one instance leading life down from where it was perched.....


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## Adelais

My 8 year mistake said:


> What mends a broken heart?





GusPolinski said:


> Generally speaking, time and distance.


Add to those two, new happy experiences, not necessarily with a new love.


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