# When the woman thinks and feels like most men



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know how this happened but somehow I'm in a relationship where I'm the HD and our sex issues are breeding resentment in me. We're in MC and we are working on it, he told me today that he feels like I don't want to do anything with him in the evening and like I shut down. Well yeah I do. My sexuality is repressed, I just try to do my own thing and leave him alone because if I don't I end up wanting to have sex and I either get turned down, or once a week I feel like the stars are in alignment for a brief period and he wants it, or I just resent that he never initiates.
I told him to feel connected I need to feel desired, and I don't. Not at all. 
I don't know what to do while we are working in things. My instinct is shutting down and withdrawing. I don't want a roommate, a friend or an activity partner. He says we need a hobby. How about we have sex now and then in 20 years when we are too old to do it we have a hobby together...Yes I'm annoyed, what do I do?
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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Get a hobby.

Seriously, get a hobby or something that can give you time together. If he is in marriage counselling with you, I assume since you didn't post that he is expressing any negativity towards it that he is willing to work on the issue. So show him you are doing the same.

Maybe he needs to spend time with you to get romantically/physically connected, so give him a chance. If after a month of spending time with him in the evening there's no improvement in your sex life, then start to brush him off again and explain to him why with the exact same wording you just posted here. it causes you frustration to spend night after night with a guy who makes you horny but won't show you any physical attention.

So I'd give it a month and see where it goes. It might cause you some additional frustration, but after 20 years, what's one month? Besides, you can at least tell yourself and him that you tried to come at it from his point of view and that puts the ball back in his court to improve the issue.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

We have only been together three years but I feel like Im in my prime and I see people in their 60's who can't anymore due to illness. I don't want to look back and remember playing boggle. Lol. 
Then he says he thinks we "should" spend time together, not that he wants to. He's so confusing.
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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Sorry, I misreaqd the 20 years as how long you've been together.

I think my suggestion still stands though, give it a month.

I'd lso have him explain what "should" means if you are troubled by it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Ok he said if we had more stimulating interaction it might carry over to other areas. I swear I'm the man. Lol. 
Problem is kids are in bed at 8 and we can't afford a babysitter and we don't really like the same things. I'm trying to make friends, we both are, but it's so hard at this age with kids where we live. I like art, computer games, yoga, reading. Not interactive. He likes fixing things.
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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Ok he said if we had more stimulating interaction it might carry over to other areas. I swear I'm the man. Lol.
> Problem is kids are in bed at 8 and we can't afford a babysitter and we don't really like the same things. I'm trying to make friends, we both are, but it's so hard at this age with kids where we live. I like art, computer games, yoga, reading. Not interactive. He likes fixing things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe spend one day working with him fixing something, then the enxt night he can do something you want to do. Rotate back and forth each night, putting in an hour or two each night. 

Learning to fix things could be a valueable lesson down the road as well.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Ok he said if we had more stimulating interaction it might carry over to other areas. I swear I'm the man. Lol.
> Problem is kids are in bed at 8 and we can't afford a babysitter and we don't really like the same things. I'm trying to make friends, we both are, but it's so hard at this age with kids where we live. I like art, computer games, yoga, reading. Not interactive. He likes fixing things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey diwali,

My wife and I are in the same boat but I'm the HD and have just about given up at this point (married almost 27 years)

The best advice I could give you is don't let it go on for long. Many years passed for me before I realized I was almost always the pursuer. That's not really a bad thing at all. the part that started to get to me is when I started to realize all the times I got rejected.

Anyway, one of the things my wife did when our kids were young was find or organize a "playgroup" for the kids. She found other mother's like herself who had kids the same age range and they got together at least once a week at each other's homes. It eventually lead to them being friends who could occasionally babysit for each other too so it was a great way to get some away time here and there and emergency coverage when it was needed.

Good luck!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I will ask him to teach me some things about repairs, I'm a total dolt with that kind of thing so it's embarrassing. 

He said he would do yoga with me so that is good.
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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I wouldn't tell someone to repress their sexual needs for a "hobby". It's both callous and disingenuous. Like you said, these are your prime years and you won't get them back. Even if your husband isn't "into it" at the least he should try to fulfil your desires. It's not like he's forced to drink vinegar for pete's sake.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

How old are the kids? Was the sex life good before they were in the picture? How long has this been going on?

A couple of little ones can put a damper on things.... the day in and day out demands of work and kids and life in general can take a toll.

One thing I believe is that sort of stress can impact different people differently. Some may have an amped up sex drive and feel renewed from good toe curling sex, others may feel tapped out or even burdened by yet more 'demands'. (I admit the stereotype seems a bit reversed in your case... but it is only that.. a stereotype)

I agree with Toffer - keep at it, and dont get discouraged too quickly. 'Getting turned down' is worrying though. That can be pretty hurtful and hard to overcome without resentment leaking in. The tricky part is going to be balancing your needs with his... which seem to be running on differing trajectories.. and it is hard to keep up all the small little kindnesses and words and touches that can keep you close if you are feeling rejected and resentful.

Dont panic. A vibrator wouldnt hurt while you both work through this?

I get a sneaky suspicion that there is something else going on - you pretty much said it all when you said you dont feel desired...'not at all'. Sooo...uh...what... he just shows up when he wants a quickie but is otherwise distant?

----

We were married for 10 years before we had kids and had plenty of time to get comfortable with our sex lives ups and downs... so your experience is a bit outside of my own. I do remember though that kids can be a challenging time though.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No I initiate every time. I hate that. 
He has told me he has issues with me taking care of business on my own, which is why we are in MC because I was about to lose it. He says it's ok as long as he doesn't know but he's there all the time and I have zero time alone and I'm not a bathtub fan. 
I do think it's stress in his case, when we met the sex was amazing but he was just getting started on his divorce and now the finality of the child visitation arrangements have set in. He hates not seeing them as much, he hates the way his ex treats them.
I know a big part of it is he can't just let go at the end of the day and stop worrying about everything. I can't force him to do that. We are seeing a sex therapist and I would imagine we are going to have to deal with his stress. Because I've tried everything to help him and I'm giving up until
MC tells me there's something I can do. 
It's not an affair, he doesn't have time.
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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Ok he said if we had more stimulating interaction it might carry over to other areas. *I swear I'm the man.* Lol.


I guess it's b/c I'm a HD caveman, but I would swear that you are the man as well. I wish I had some good advice for you. Maybe get all dolled up, and tell him you're going to dinner or something (no bars, or anything close to that) with a gf. He'll see what he's missing out on?
:scratchhead:


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I don't know how this happened but somehow I'm in a relationship where I'm the HD and our sex issues are breeding resentment in me. We're in MC and we are working on it, he told me today that he feels like I don't want to do anything with him in the evening and like I shut down. Well yeah I do. My sexuality is repressed, I just try to do my own thing and leave him alone because if I don't I end up wanting to have sex and I either get turned down, or once a week I feel like the stars are in alignment for a brief period and he wants it, or I just resent that he never initiates.
> I told him to feel connected I need to feel desired, and I don't. Not at all.
> I don't know what to do while we are working in things. My instinct is shutting down and withdrawing. I don't want a roommate, a friend or an activity partner. He says we need a hobby. How about we have sex now and then in 20 years when we are too old to do it we have a hobby together...Yes I'm annoyed, what do I do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Welcome to the "Bitter over not enough Sex" Club!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also he won't do anything for me if he's not in the mood and won't let me just do something for him. 
I know right now he feels very pressured so I am trying not to pressure him. I'm just glad he's willing to work on it. 
I don't want a half hearted sex act either.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I've gotten ready to go spend the night in a hotel with toys before, started WWIII both times. 
I hate game playing, we are going to MC Saturday, we will see what she says. 
And I don't know, maybe I have a hormonal dysfunction and I need a t blocker.
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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> I've gotten ready to go spend the night in a hotel with toys before, started WWIII both times.
> I hate game playing, we are going to MC Saturday, we will see what she says.
> And I don't know, maybe I have a hormonal dysfunction and I need a t blocker.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!! 

I can say i have always thought that there was also something wrong with me, until I found TAM. I don't have the drive of a "typical" woman.. It is more like a man's( Like you said) I get down right perverted most of the time. LOL. I have been called one many times. =)

It seems when it come to sex there is really never a happy medium.. One person wants it way more then the other.

Do not let this go on for too long, i let this crap go on for over 3.5 years!! The thing i don't get is that if the situation were reversed and we were the LD partner, It would not fly so well with our husbands.. I guess since we are woman our needs don't matter (or we have none) WE are supposed to just suck it up and deal with it and move on!

I know exactly how you feel and it sucks!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

From what I've seen a lot of wives don't give a crap about what their h wants, look at this board. 
If things don't improve I'm not sure how long I can wait or what to do. I know he's opposed to an open marriage. If this doesn't work out I don't know what to do. I guess that's it for me and love.
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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I've gotten ready to go spend the night in a hotel with toys before, started WWIII both times.


WWIII? That's complete BS by him. Don't go to a hotel. Whip out your toys in your own bed. If he doesn't want to play...you will. A few times when wifey shot me down a couple of times in a row, I just smiled and said, "Okay, hon, I'll just take care of it myself." I then STFU and walked off. She comes racing behind me each time.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My advice would be to set a timing horizon and more or less stick to it. Where do want to be in a year, 3, 10? Or whatever your upside number looks like. If it's still broken for whatever reason then, call it a day. Otherwise you'll be me with 20 years of no sex behind me and another 25-35 years of being alive with none to look forward to.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Thunder, he wouldn't race behind me, he would get piseed off. I tried it before when he turned me down a d he went to take a shower, I opened the lube and made noises and he came storming out yelling about how dare I throw it in his face. The therapist got him to "give me permission" to do it until we figure it out and she told him he's being sexist. 
I put an ad on Craigslist to rent a cheap room so I could get away when I wanted to but I changed my mind. 
I think I'm going to bring that up as an out come if this doesn't change.
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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Thunder, he wouldn't race behind me, he would get piseed off. I tried it before when he turned me down a d he went to take a shower, I opened the lube and made noises and he came storming out yelling about how dare I throw it in his face.


Do you fear that he would get physical with you? If not, I say rock on with your bad self the next time that happens. He can walk out of the room if he doesn't want to hear/see. If my sweetie turned me down on multiple nights, and then told me I was not allowed to take care of my own business...I'd give her a show right there. I'm a nice/peaceful man, but I can be an azz when warranted.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No but the situation turns me off and fighting with someone over it makes me not in the mood. Hard to O when someone is mad, pouting, sulking.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

But I have decided that if the situation doesn't change I will spend time in weekends and evenings at a room that I rent for myself. If he doesn't like it that's up to him to decide what he wants to do.
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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ladybird said:


> The thing i don't get is that if the situation were reversed and we were the LD partner, It would not fly so well with our husbands.. I guess since we are woman our needs don't matter (or we have none) WE are supposed to just suck it up and deal with it and move on!


Speaking as a man, I'd venture your needs matter perhaps a bit more.

I think that everyones needs matter equally, however in this situation, there is such a stigma against women having a higher sex drive, that those women who do have a high sex drive should be made positive examples of, not critisized.

There is ample posts on here about wives who seemingly could go longer than Moses in a desert without sex, and for each one there is a husband whose self-esteem is descimated and whose opinion of women and marriage is tarnished. 

Women such as yourself is what everyone wants to become the 'typical' woman and frankly your drive should be modelled after, not chastized.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Can you tell my husband that? Lol.
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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Can you tell my husband that? Lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes I think both men and women should be forced to read and do a test on at least one book regarding sex and relationships, such as 'His Needs, Her needs'

Either that, or be forced to wear a shock collar and get zapped whenever they are being selfish.

Honestly, making even a slight effort to understand your partners needs, to accept those needs, and to try and fulfill those needs would make things 1,000x easier.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> I will ask him to teach me some things about repairs, I'm a total dolt with that kind of thing so it's embarrassing.
> 
> He said he would do yoga with me so that is good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I highly recommend this - you can help each other get into position (HAHAHA - Sorry)! Many a time have my husband and I thrown down on the yoga mat before we even finished our session! Plus it's fun! 
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Hopefully counseling will help and he is reading "intimacy and desire". He knows that he's being ridiculous about the masturbation thing but he just doesn't know why he feels that way. We have talked about it a lot and that's just how he feels. Usually he is a giving person. I think it might be that he has a history of being too much of a nice guy so now he is over reacting to things. 
I don't know but sometimes I just don't even want to be around him when I think about it.
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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> He knows that he's being ridiculous about the msturbation thing but he just doesn't know why he feels that way. We have talked about it a lot and that's just how he feels.


Maybe he truly doesn't know why, but here's a guess. If you MB, you may like it. You may do it some more and you may like it some more, and you may decide that you don't need him for s*x as much, or at all. I figured out, after reading Schnarch's _Passionate Marriage_, that my LD wife doesn't want me, but she wants me to want her. She flips out if I tell her I'm going to take care of my own business. Could be what your H is thinking?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No idea but Im 40 and been sexually active over 20 years so if that were going to happen it would have already. 
Part of it is his lack of experience with different people, I just thought at the beginning he was so open a d we were so amazing together that it didn't matter.
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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Hopefully counseling will help and he is reading "intimacy and desire".
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hope it does as well but it certainly didn't help with my wife and I. When we spoke about it in MC the counselor basically said that my wife had to get over her resentments and that over time, her libido should come back. Basically told me to "be the best husband possible and at some point, her feelings should resurface". Bullsh!t. If you knew the husband I am/was you would see why this is total crap.

I eventually had to sit my wife down and very lovingly explained that I was not going to live in a sexless marrriage. I'll be patient to a point but we needed to work on this because it is a deal breaker.

I think there is something wrong with your husband. Male sexuality is not as complex as he is making it out to be. 

When you masterbate, you should do it right on the bed where he can see and hear. If he is not jumping in there to "help" then theres something wrong with him.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Not in the mood to be rejected while MBing either. 
We are seeing a sex therapist so I'm hoping she actually has ways to work this out. I'm going to ask if he should get t levels checked.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And how old are you? 
Actually my IC said that make sexuality is more fragile than female, especially as we age. The more I read about this the more convinced I am. Our society has a lot of myths about sexuality. Maybe the fact that men feel they should be a certain way makes it worse. The ego is such an important factor for men and I know that I have inadvertently knocked his down. I know we have both made mistakes.
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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Im sort of going through the same thing. I have lost self respect or confidence from being constantly rejected.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

And it's not sexless. Just he would probably want it once a week and I would three times a week. He stopped going down on me, even though he swore he loved it before. He never initiated and can get mad when I ask for something he doesn't want to do.
MC told me he sounds like he has some OCD and some shame around sex. He was raised catholic and she thinks that has a lot to do with it too. He denies that it has any impact on him.
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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I just feel lied to and like he pulled a bait and switch.
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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> I don't know how this happened but somehow I'm in a relationship where I'm the HD and our sex issues are breeding resentment in me. We're in MC and we are working on it, he told me today that he feels like I don't want to do anything with him in the evening and like I shut down. Well yeah I do. My sexuality is repressed, I just try to do my own thing and leave him alone because if I don't I end up wanting to have sex and I either get turned down, or once a week I feel like the stars are in alignment for a brief period and he wants it, or I just resent that he never initiates.
> I told him to feel connected I need to feel desired, and I don't. Not at all.
> I don't know what to do while we are working in things. My instinct is shutting down and withdrawing. I don't want a roommate, a friend or an activity partner. He says we need a hobby. How about we have sex now and then in 20 years when we are too old to do it we have a hobby together...Yes I'm annoyed, what do I do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Diwali, there are a lot of similarities in our situations. Mine is slightly different in that my H *does* initiate but had been turning down *my* initiations. I also wanted to feel desired by him.

I do not have a solution for you. Ours is still a work in progress. What I *can* tell you is that I withdrew. Not in an angry fashion but more because I simply did not know what else to do. Really what I have done is to stop focussing on *his* needs and what would make *him* happy (generally, not just in our sex life.) All the little gestures and cute stuff I used to think would show him how much I cared, I just stopped.

I decided to "fulfill" my role as wife and partner in pulling my weight with looking after the kids, my job and within the home, but beyond this I have not been paying him any special attention. 

At first this felt weird. I felt like I was being allmost spitefull and unloving. I could see after a short time he was picking up on "something" but I do not know if he was fully aware of what was different at first.

There was an awkward period where he was quite cranky at me. Looking back I thought he was simply withdrawing in response but it was him reacting to me not giving so much.

What happened then was unnerving... *He* started to give more. Like he was moving towards me as I had stepped back. Initially I thought this would be a short lived phase. But it has continued. I thought I would start to move forward again, feeling a little happier. But I have not done that. I will admit that I do not feel entirely "at ease" yet like the dynamic has settled but I feel better emotionally really because I have given myself the headspace I needed to detach.

What happens next I don't know. I can only guess it is a matter of shifting and us both moving in to a comfortable dynamic that works for both of us. I do not know if any of this might help you but it sure has helped me.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Diwali,

Just a random thought here... but sometimes I think how I would feel if someone did that to me.

If my spouse was initiating more than I wanted, and talking to me about it, reinforcing that it's necessary and must happen more often, it might make me feel like that all they wanted. And I might feel used. 

Take that a step further... and if I refused and they then got up and went to MB, for me personally it would cement the "idea" that I was right... they don't want ME, they just want a warm body to get off. 

I don't know, but if it was a woman doing that, I might suspect they would then fear you would go to any man to get off, if you are just merely horny and they cannot step up. Thus the connection to "OMG don't do THAT".

You can word it as needing the connection a million times, but if they don't have the confidence to accept it, all they are gonna see is "you just want sex, anyway shape or form". 

My personal view of what you wrote. 
Just that I believe sometimes MEN can feel used for sex, too.

I don't know if there are any men on here refuse their wives advances? (ones that still want a marriage, anyways)


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I could see that. I just feel like I approached it the wrong way and I don't know how to undo it. 
If I could go to any warm body I would have though. I get it but I don't.
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