# I just need to hear from people in my situation



## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

About 4-5 weeks ago my husband came to me and said he wanted a divorce. This isn't the first time he has done it. We have been married for 4 years in May and before every deployment (this is number 3) he seems to do this. 

We got married pretty young I was 18 and he was 21, and we had some rough times. We went through a stage where I tried to mother him to much, we went through a stage where we both did nothing put partied all the time. Basically I guess we have done most of our growing up together. Yet through every deployment (he is always gone 12-15 months) we have been able to reconnect. 

This time is different though. We have about 2 months until it is time for him to deploy and when he came to me and said he wanted a divorce of course I begged him to reconsider and he said he wouldn't. After about 30 mins. of conversation I finally talked him into a separation and he agreed. 

Then we spent the next hour planning out the separation. I would find arrange for a pay raise with my job, find somewhere else to live, we would separate our bank accounts and sign a legal agreement on who was to handle what bills because for whatever reason he wants to file the papers in Florida ( we are stationed in NC) where we are both from and they do not have a legal separation. 

Well, here we are 4 weeks later and none of this has happened. He slept on the other side of the house for about 2 weeks then one night said the guest bed was uncomfortable and said he wanted me to sleep in there. I said, "no I will not, but you are more than welcome to come back to the bed." and he has not left since. 

I am still working on getting a raise from my job, but now he wants me to stay in the house while he is gone. We have moved our checks to different bank accounts, but all accounts still have both of our names on them. Then last night we were paying the bills together (he was doing most of the talking) and worked it out where after all the bills were paid we split both of our checks so we had equal amount of money until the next payday (this required me giving him some of my check and him giving me some from his check) 

and to make things worse we are still intimate with each other.. The only thing that has changed is the that he does not show me any affection anymore (no hugs, kisses, I love you) 

When I confronted him about this he said he can't be affection it with me because it means he is letting his wall down, and if he does that things will go back to they way they were. Meaning I will go back to being controlling, non-supportive, etc.. 

I have been going to a counselor for the past 4 weeks and trying to work on myself and show him that I am trying to change, but he just won't open up. 

One minuet he says, "I don't care what you do it isn't going to change my mind." Then when I ask him why he has not filed the papers or why he "has" to do it in Florida (we will be going back to FL in about 2 months) he says, "well I am trying to give you a chance." "Can't you see that!?" 

I am just so confused by the mixed signals. We have agreed to wait a year until after this deployment is over, but I just don't know if I can handle him coming back in a year and still waiting a divorce, I don't know if it is a good idea to do that to myself. 

I just don't want to push any of this forward because I don't want it to happen. Yet, I don't want to be used either.. 

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Does it sound like he still cares? Or am I being used? 


Thanks...


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My suggestion is to get in MC. It worked for me. My story is in my profile. 

Get MC books. A lot are cheesy crap, but a few really spoke to me.



> "well I am trying to give you a chance." "Can't you see that!?"


 This is good, but you NEED to put 100% into this. Figure things out and grow up more than you ever had before in the next 2 months.

Talk as openly and honestly about this as you can.


----------



## vict0ria_b (Mar 10, 2011)

anx said:


> My suggestion is to get in MC. It worked for me. My story is in my profile.
> 
> Get MC books. A lot are cheesy crap, but a few really spoke to me.
> 
> ...




Anx: Well, one of the first things out of his mouth is.. I am not going to MC. We tried that before the last deployment and he went but then later told me it didn't help him because he didn't like the counselor. 

BUUTTT! Today he is going to see my counselor by himself. He is going to talk with her about "the problems I cause in the marriage," but not about HIM. 

I wish I could be a fly on the wall in the room right now... Just praying that it is helpful more than hurtful..


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

He will talk about more than that in IC. I'm sure they will talk about his own issues. Have him talk about MC with his IC after some time.

Try to get into MC again with a new counselor, but he probably needs time and space with his current IC. 

Either way, do not fight. Deescalate everything and learn as much as you can online and in books. Hopefully MC will happen later.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Wait..if he's deployed for a year or more, isn't that being separated? :scratchhead: Sounds like he does this right before so he can put a wall up..maybe it hurts less?

I couldn't live the military life. My husband was in the Navy 25 years ago and back then you did 6 month deployments. I missed his and after he'd do work ups. His longest was 6 weeks. Then he was on Shore Duty and got out. 

When he was getting ready to get discharged everyone kept asking him to re-up. He once said to me that he'd basically experienced all he'd wanted to experience in the military and he couldn't think of anything he would do new if he stayed in. I said, "There would be one thing..You'd find out what divorce court is like". :rofl:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Either he is committed or he isn't. Don't let him make all the decisions, Victoria. What do YOU want. Tell him what YOU want.


----------

