# Worried about my wife's mental health



## JM80 (Jul 7, 2020)

Hi everyone, 

I've never really posted on a relationship advice forum before, but things have become so bad between me and my wife that I thought I would reach out for advice. 

We've been married for 8 years now, and we have a 3 year old together. She is from America originally, but now we live in the UK due to my job, and I am from the UK.

Since our little one was born, things have just been gradually getting worse. She admitted that she suffered from Postpartum Depression during the first year, but she refused to speak to anyone or get help. We argued a lot mainly due to being tired and stressed, and I will admit that we often argued about what was best for our child, and that she basically never let me have a say in anything regarding the childcare. 
We haven't been out together on any sort of date for pretty much the 3 years, she is reluctant to leave our child with anyone else and despite my protests, she say's that I'm being selfish wanting to go on dates with her and instead we should be solely focussed on our daughter. 

Recently I've noticed her going through another episode of vicious mood swings, and each time her temper is so bad that it gets to a point where she threatens me with divorce and going back to America with our daughter. In the past 3 weeks, she blew up at me and didn't speak to me because I made a remark in front of our friends that she said was offensive and disrespectful of her family. I apologised and explained I didn't mean to offend her as I only repeated something she had said on many occasions to me, and I was trying to make a point about how we had both come from nothing and worked hard to get where we are. 

After not speaking to me for a few days, things eventually seemed to be moving in the right direction. Until we were playing with our daughter and tickling her, I went to tickle my wife and she told me to stop and she was going to "Stab me". She has said things like this before, and whilst she isn't serious I did point out that it's not a nice thing to say to me, especially in front of our daughter. Later that evening she got angry with me for saying something (Standing up) to her, and said I should have chosen a better time to say it and that in the future she won't say anything in jest to me again!? 

Another episode that happened a few days after that was that I mentioned our couple friends had made a 'date night' at home as they also have a young child. The moment I mentioned it, again she lost her temper and told me she doesn't want to do a date night right now and that I shouldn't try and copy other people...etc 

The final straw that has literally broken me was last night. I was cooking dinner, and she came in and started moving the things that I was cooking. Now admittedly this shouldn't annoy me at all, and it wouldn't normally. This time however I remembered all the times she has screamed at me to 'get out of her kitchen' when she is cooking, or the 'If I needed you to help I would ask"...So I told her not to do interfere as it's double standards that she will shout at me sometimes if I even go near her in the kitchen. She stormed off and was just snappy with me all dinner and refused to talk to me even though I was trying to just be normal and not let the bad atmosphere get worse. 
I tried talking to her to calm her down, but instead she just exploded and screamed at me saying that I don't understand how hard it is for her without any family or friends, and that because of the lockdown all she is stuck with is me and our child...etc And she ended up locking me out of our bedroom all night and refusing to talk. 

This all happened in the last 3 weeks or so. In that time I've seen that she has stopped exercising and is now down about her weight and calls herself 'fat', even though I constantly protest and point out that she is definitely not fat. I know she misses her mum lots in America, so it is all making sense that she is down. However, she seemed to just blame me for it all yesterday, and that I should just accept that she will scream at me and that there will be double standards and she can behave however she wants. She says she has no alone time, but all I've done is encourage her to go out, meet new people...etc Each time she does do it, she comes back saying horrible things about the new people she meets and how she has no time for them. Even other mums from the nursery will message and try to arrange a walk or a run together, and she will just be very negative about it. 

I totally agree that she needs her own friends and hobbies, and she should do anything that will make her happy again, but no matter how many times I say she should take time if she wants to and that I will look after our little one, she just seems to not want to do anything or she has a negative attitude towards whoever she meets.

During our relationship she has constantly told me that I need to seek help and therapy, especially after an argument. I have spent time with a therapist a while ago, and it was useful in understanding things from my childhood. However, I have noticed that my wife has told at least 3 of her friends that she has fallen out with that they need to 'seek help', but she never seems to accept that maybe she is the one that needs to get help. I've tried suggesting that it may be good for her, but again her temper goes off and she threatens to leave...etc

I know this is a bit of a rant and I'm also aware that it is just from my point of view. I'm at a loss as to what is the best way to help her and save our marriage. The mood swings are really getting so bad, I don't want to have to walk on egg-shells all of the time wondering if I will set her off again, and as adults I would think we could have a disagreement and not let it blow up into a huge blazing row.

Anyway, thanks for reading.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need to talk to a lawyer and make sure that your wife can’t leave the UK with your daughter.
Her mental health issues are not being treated because of her stubbornness, you can’t force her to get treatment but you should start keeping a diary of everything she says or does with regards to her mistreatment of you.
Unfortunately you’re in the UK which is one of the worst places on earth when it comes to fathers rights with regards to custody.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You can encourage your wife to get help and support her through it, but you cannot force it. If your wife is unwilling to get therapy for herself then there is honestly nothing you can do but decide to live like this or divorce. Personally, I'd suggest the latter. Both for yourself and your daughter.

Is this the type of relationship you want your daughter to have in the future? I'm guessing "No, of course not!!". Then you need to stop showing her that this is normal. Your daughter is watching you and your wife and learning from you. This dynamic is going to be normal to her because it will be all she knows. So, do not stay "for the child(ren)". It really does them no good, especially in situations like this.

For you, you need to set boundaries. When your wife starts yelling or making threats, leave the conversation and come back to it later when she can act reasonable. You do not have to put up with this treatment. You need to tell her that if this continues you will end the marriage, then stick to that. Don't be like her and just threaten it.

For your wife, she has told YOU to get therapy but is against it for herself (which is typical). Do you think she would do marriage therapy? You don't present that option as help for her, or even really "us", you present it for YOU. That YOU are struggling and would really like to try it so that the marriage can be better. Sometimes it will let them dip their toes in the water, so to speak, and then the marriage therapist can work on opening their eyes.

The next time your wife threatens to stab you or otherwise hurt you (or herself), call the police. Seriously. Get a paper trail going of her being violent and ill. If the police decide she needs to be dropped off at the hospital, so be it. Mental illness or not she does NOT have the right to act like this and it is not acceptable. You also need to show your daughter that it's not acceptable or tolerable.

On that same note, keep a journal of all of this. Each interaction like this, especially if your daughter is present, needs to be recorded and dated. This creates a log of her behavior. 

While things like moving to a new country, having no friends and family around, COVID, etc. definitely do impact mental health, they are not excuses or justifications for her actions. Especially when her behavior has predated at least some of those excuses.

Lastly, if your daughter has a passport I would hide that... You never know. You don't want your wife going further downhill mentally and taking your daughter out of the country. Chances are that wouldn't happen, it's almost always all talk, but it's just a precaution. Consult a lawyer as well.


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## matador1958 (Oct 24, 2017)

JM80 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I've never really posted on a relationship advice forum before, but things have become so bad between me and my wife that I thought I would reach out for advice.
> 
> ...


I can relate to this, you're not alone. I've just read it and I was wondering how you've been over the past 3 months or so.


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## Margod (Aug 18, 2021)

Your mental health affects every part of your life, from personal relationships to work and business. Finding ways to manage stress will help keep you mentally sharp and productive and help improve relationships with loved ones and bosses.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has decreed that this thread is a Zombie thread and, as such, must be closed to further replies.










Please ignore the human in the image.


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