# Wife had Affair, Broke it Off this Week, Why is SHE depressed and for how long?



## ShuffleUp (Jun 5, 2009)

Wife of 7 years had an affair with a guy who she thinks of as her best friend. Strong emotional connection etc and it burns me up, but she cut off contact with him Monday and she seemed to be doing OK for several days but now it is seriously like she is in drug withdrawal and says it's so hard to not talk to him because she had known him so long.

This makes me feel really significant (sarcasm) as her spouse and devoted father of our 4 year old, but I have put aside my feelings for now to try to give this a chance.

I found out she did try to commit suicide last week and tonight she is saying very dark and sad (to me) things about not wanting to be here. I asked her to expand on that idea - here meaning at home? No she means here on earth.

She saw a counselor for the first session this evening leading up to these really dismal thoughts. I am wondering if her counselor (who is religious) made her think bad thoughts about herself too intensely. She went to bed at 9:30 crying and saying negative things.

I should be torn up for what she has put our family at risk for, but I am only feeling pain and helplessness because of how she is feeling. I don't think it's an act either - I think she is deeply conflicted. I did not force her to be here at home, I did insist that she make a choice. 

Is it normal for the person having the affair to feel so depressed? What does it indicate? How long does this last? Is there anything I can do to help? She is unnaccepting of love from me and my daughter.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Find a psychiatrist who is trained in this stuff to see her.

She needs more than religion-based counseling if she is suicidal.

Medical intervention.


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

I would say it is pretty normal for her to be depressed....and for you, too, if you are. 

I haven't done any cheating but its my observation of those I have known who've crossed the line that of all the people the cheater hurts, they hurt themselves the most. That is, if they have a conscience.

As for the guy being a 'friend'. He is no friend. There are plenty of guys who women think have befriended them but in actuality they are just laying in the weeds waiting for a vulnerable moment. Smart women know this and keep their men 'friends' at arm's length. Decent men know that there are too many men of this mold and thus govern themselves to not develop close relationships with married women. Decent men respect the institution of marriage itself and would never insert themselves between a man and his wife.

As for the length of time she'll be depressed, there is no telling. IMHO, the if she does not have a healty self image and high self-esteem, it will happen again no matter what you do. And don't let her blame you for low self esteem (if that is a problem), the only person who can fix that is the person themself.


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## Ted (Mar 2, 2009)

I agree,

There isn't a whole lot you will be able to do in the short run. (except be patient, _if your willing to_, and try to work on what you can to make the marriage stronger)

And I've heard multiple people compare giving up an affair, especially one with emotional connection, like giving up a drug. So you were spot on with that description of withdrawl.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Give her space, and time. She is not just mouring the loss of the relationship with the other person ( I know that is hard to hear, but its the truth), she is mourning the loss of your realtionhsip as she knew it...it will NEVER be the same, but with work (on both parts) love and patience, it CAN be better. I would encourage her to consider taking an anti-depressant if she is indeed having suicidal thoughts, and if the therapist she saw made her feel that bad, she really needs to look into seeing another one. My H is seeing a GREAT intern therapist, and she has really made a difference in the recovery process for us. Yes, coming back from an affair IS a recovery process for everyone involved.Take it one day at a time, let her know that you still love her (if you in fact do), but you are hurt by what she did. Do things for yourself by ALL means; I started going to the gym, focusing more on me...and now that we are on the path to recovering from the turmoil his affair created, my husband marvels at the woman that I have managed to find in myself thru all of this. I REFUSE to wallow in the pity aspect of what happened, nor do I feel the need to dig every little detail out of my H...it happened, and nothing can change it. We have instead put all of our energy into making something positive of the experience. He is learning a lot about himself thru therapy, and actually learning a lot about me as he goes along. It CAN be done, but don't expect overnight miracles. Good luck!


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

Guilt weighs a ton! She has disappointed herself & family. She does however need professional help if she speaks of ending her own life. It is possible that she may (in her current state of mind) also hurt others or start to drink or take pills to cope with the mental pain. Yes, also take care of YOURSELF.


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