# Needs some help fellas!!



## Lost sooul (Nov 24, 2012)

**Need some advise guys!!**

Just found a phone number to some other guy in my wifes cell phone. should i call him and find out who he is or should I confront her first?

Ive been with my wife for 10yrs married 4yrs. Me 36yrs old. My wife 32yrs old. We have a 6yr old son together. About 10 months ago I found out she was cheating on me. Its been extremlytough and difficult. But Since then we have come along ways. We went to therapy, we go to the Gym together, spend more quality time together etc. and it feels good for both of us But im just not truly convinced that I can trust. Im checking her phone records & texting record even though I had her change her phone number. and i come to find this out. I have no idea who he is, this guys name never pops up in conversation!


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

Don't call him yourself. Get a female relative or friend to give him a ring and get any info they can from him. A friendly female calling him will be more well received.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Don’t call and don’t confront. Spy on your wife, phone calls, emails, VARs etc. for a month and see if anything else comes up.

If you call the guy or confront your wife, if anything is going on all you will do is push it further underground.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Call the number from a separate phone not tied to you or her.
Be creative and find out who he is.

If your "spidy senses" start tingling...
Then confront your wife and ask if she's "f***ing" him.

Sorry dude, that's all I can suggest at this point. Either that, or you wait for another affair to start before confronting her.

Although, it could be nothing. Easier said than done, but try to stay smart and calm right now.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> If you call the guy or confront your wife, if anything is going on all you will do is push it further underground.


So it's better to just let the affair happen (if it may not have) rather than nip it in the bud?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> So it's better to just let the affair happen (if it may not have) rather than nip it in the bud?


What affair?


You have no proof. You need PROOF. Undeniable proof. If it's there.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

My friend the are some things you need to do.

I would ask a moderator to move this to the coping with infidelity section ASAP.

And go there yourself and read the newbie thread.

Thats a start, more will follow.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

She's already cheated at least once. And you don't need proof to ask.
We both know she'd deny the question, but if an affair is not happening (again) she may have second thoughts now knowing he's on to her. Get it? You're a smart guy Bob. Enlighten me on how it's indeed better to let an affair take place? I'd rather be a little more proactive myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chumpless said:


> She's already cheated at least once. And you don't need proof to ask.
> We both know she'd deny the question, but if an affair is not happening (again) she may have second thoughts now knowing he's on to her. Get it? You're a smart guy Bob. Enlighten me on how it's indeed better to let an affair take place? I'd rather be a little more proactive myself.


 If he asks her with no proof she is just going to deny it. Cheaters lie. So what good will it do him to ask, she says no. Then what does he do?


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## Lost sooul (Nov 24, 2012)

@MrsOldNews- thank you if i had sisters i would or a females I can trust but im pretty limited to that. 
But You guys all have good ideas!!..

@ Chumpless- I took your idea- I #67 the phone number that blocks my phone number from appearing on his end but the phone has been disconnected. in a matter of 4-days!!
I just seen his name and phone numer in her phone today right before this post!!


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## Lost sooul (Nov 24, 2012)

Now im really screwd.. all i have is his name and phone number still in her phone from 4days ago. Not much I can do now. But maybe confront her about that guy and phone number from her phone.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

AFEH said:


> What affair?
> 
> 
> You have no proof. You need PROOF. Undeniable proof. If it's there.


“Trust but verify.” Ronald Reagan

And if you ask me, there is no sense in asking the “Rooskies” you know what their answer will be.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> We both know she'd deny the question, *but if an affair is not happening (again) she may have second thoughts now knowing he's on to her.*


That's why I'd personally ask the question.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't believe I'd do anything other than be a little more aware. You've seen a phone number. You have no idea who the guy is, when the number was last used or why they are talking. Could be the TV repair guy. Confront her and you look like a snoopy, weak, insecure bozo if nothing is going on. How did you learn of her affair 10 months ago? Did she make a spontaeous admission or did you catch her? If she was caught, what makes you think she was ready to end it or that she actually has ended it? I wouldn't get paranoid but I'd make up my mind to pay close attention. I'd quietly start squirreling a little money away and I'd start keeping notes (where she won't find them). Act the same, treat her the same, maybe give her a little more time apart from you in which she will carelessly hang herself if she's up to no good. If she's up to something ugly, you don't want to confront her and make her become careful and sneaky. Far better that she believes you are fat and happy and totally clueless. My number one goal would be to not screw things up if the marriage is healing. Next best-case scenario would be, that if she is having an affair, to dump the heifer cleanly and keep custody of the child and not lose any more than I had to in a divorce. Confronting either of them won't guarantee that you'll get anything resembling the truth. It also won't guarantee that an affair (or whatever it is) would stop. I don't see how you'd gain even slightly by tipping your hand at this point.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> She's already cheated at least once. And you don't need proof to ask.
> We both know she'd deny the question, but if an affair is not happening (again) she may have second thoughts now knowing he's on to her. Get it? You're a smart guy Bob. Enlighten me on how it's indeed better to let an affair take place? I'd rather be a little more proactive myself.


Enlighten you? Not possible.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SpinDaddy said:


> “Trust but verify.” Ronald Reagan
> 
> And if you ask me, there is no sense in asking the “Rooskies” you know what their answer will be.


It never ceases to amaze me how some husbands think that by confronting their wife who’s been proven beyond any doubt whatsoever to have deceived them, betrayed them and lied to them is going to get anything else but more of the same.


The very last thing they’ll get by confronting their wife is the truth. Sometimes the betrayer has told so many lies and deceits they’ve ended up deluding themselves. They actual believe their lies are the truth and that’s why they sound so “believable” and so readily fool their husband. Especially when the guy still has her up there on his pedestal.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Enlighten you? Not possible.


A good part of what's practiced and preached here is, "letting go of ego". I agree 110%.

Yet, rather than choose to answer my very pointed question, you fling mud.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Chumpless said:


> A good part of what's practiced and preached here is, "letting go of ego". I agree 110%.
> 
> Yet, rather than choose to answer my very pointed question, you fling mud.


Chumpless,

I actually agree with most of the other posters. Without good, hard evidence a confrontation will probably be fruitless.

Many folks who come here have confronted early to try and "nip it in the bud" only to be forced to go all James Bond on their spouse after hitting a wall of denial. 

Often times the marriage will even improve for a while but then starts to slip back to where it was before the confrontation

Do some more reading in the infidelity section and you'll see that this story has played out the same many times


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> A good part of what's practiced and preached here is, "letting go of ego". I agree 110%.
> 
> Yet, rather than choose to answer my very pointed question, you fling mud.


Hopefully you'll accept my apologies for offending you.


In some ways it really is a matter of “belief”. For example the very best answer to the question “Why do you believe in God?” I’ve heard is “Because it works for me”.

The way you posed your question indicated to me that we were going to have a disagreement over something we have opposite beliefs in. That you were looking for me to convert you. I have no interest in doing that.

Also, I don’t think you are speaking from the situation of suspecting or discovering your wife in an affair. So in addition to a “battle of opposite beliefs” I assumed you were looking for a debate on the matter. I am not interested in debates as I prefer to help men and women out who actually have a problem in their marriage that I can maybe help out with.


Of course, if you suspect your wife is in an affair or indeed know she is then I’m more than willing to try and help you.


If you need to know about strategies wrt preventing your wife from having an affair then I personally know of none at all. I think if your mind is on the prevention of an affair then I’d recommend that you keep a close eye on her with her female friends and possible male friends. I recommend you do that by spying on your wife about once a month for as long as you are married.

Why? Because shet happens even to the very best of men/husbands (and wives). Prevention truly is better than cure, a stitch in time does indeed save nine. But you have to know when to do that one stitch, when it’s actually needed.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just curious if you know this guy or how you know it is a guy. Did you check your phone records for repeated calls to/from that number?

Personally, I have a lot of numbers in my call history. I get wrong number calls all the time. If my wife looked in my phone and saw a strange number and found, somehow, it was from a woman, I'm sure she'd be suspicious, especially since I have cheated.

But I'm not now and a wrong number is just that.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> ...Hopefully you'll accept my apologies for offending you.


Of course I do, because your sincerity speaks for itself...ya ya ya =O


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Don’t call and don’t confront. Spy on your wife, phone calls, emails, VARs etc. for a month and see if anything else comes up.
> 
> If you call the guy or confront your wife, if anything is going on all you will do is push it further underground.


For at least a month. Make sure any conclusions you might be inclined to draw are completely verified with evidence or don't make them. Find out who the other players are because everyone has help. Sit on all this for a while before you even consider taking action.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Chumpless...without good, hard evidence a confrontation will probably be fruitless.


It worked for me a few months ago. If any firm boundary is disrespected or crossed, drive the point home; even if it means making reasonable accusations. Is there even such a thing?

Since then, she's been an Angel...go figure.

i.e (non)Angel; disrespectful and needless flirting in front of Hub. Following men to the bathroom at house parties no matter how drunk.

Now she knows. That's all.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> Of course I do, because your sincerity speaks for itself...ya ya ya =O


You doubt my sincerity?


How exceedingly ungracious of you. Reckon I had you right first time round.


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## Chumpless (Oct 30, 2012)

AFEH said:


> You doubt my sincerity? How exceedingly ungracious of you. Reckon I had you right first time round.


Not at all. The "ya ya ya" was me trying to say you had me blushing...you know, the guy thing when another man is nice to you 

Anyway, sorry for that mix up. Case in point, forums are not the best means of communication.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I see this theme of looking for proof all the time and I have to question it. At the end of the day does it really matter if she's actually cheating? If you spend every waking moment worrying about the possibility of your spouse cheating does it really matter if they are or not? You can't prove a negative. You can never prove your spouse is not cheating.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Chumpless said:


> Not at all. The "ya ya ya" was me trying to say you had me blushing...you know, the guy thing when another man is nice to you
> 
> Anyway, sorry for that mix up. Case in point, forums are not the best means of communication.


Thanks for putting things straight. No problems.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> I see this theme of looking for proof all the time and I have to question it. *At the end of the day does it really matter if she's actually cheating?* If you spend every waking moment worrying about the possibility of your spouse cheating does it really matter if they are or not? You can't prove a negative. You can never prove your spouse is not cheating.


What! You cannot be serious.


It's you who's saying every waking moment. Nobody else is saying that. You're just overly dramatising things.


Image you're the King of your Domain. The King of your Castle, your Home.


Surely a King would soon be dead if he didn't keep a weathered eye on those he chooses to love and spend a lot of time, money and effort on. To keep a weathered eye out on his Domain.


Surely the King would be stupid if he did not on regular occasion send out sentinels with the instructions of reporting if something is amiss within his domain.


If I hadn't been so utterly stupid in not doing so my wife would probably still be with me and I probably would not have cut all ties with my younger son. Although for the life of me I cannot see even now how the latter could have been avoided.


But you've obviously not been burnt.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

AFEH said:


> What! You cannot be serious.
> 
> 
> It's you who's saying every waking moment. Nobody else is saying that. You're just overly dramatising things.
> ...


My point is whether she's actually cheating or you only think she's cheating the impact on you is the same. It rips your guts out. You could spend your whole life trying to gather evidence and never find it. It doesn't mean she didn't cheat on you. 

The bottom line for me is the day I believe my partner is capable of cheating on me...she will be out of my life.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My point is whether she's actually cheating or you only think she's cheating the impact on you is the same. It rips your guts out. You could spend your whole life trying to gather evidence and never find it. It doesn't mean she didn't cheat on you.
> 
> The bottom line for me is the day I believe my partner is capable of cheating on me...she will be out of my life.


Eighty Percent. 80% of people who install burglar alarms install them AFTER they've been burgled. How crazy is that?


I reckon some 90% of the guys in Coping with Infidelity had the exact same beliefs as you do.


What percentage of men do you think it is who believe their partner is capable of cheating when they're saying "I Do"?

100%? 90%?

The odds of your wife cheating on you are something like 50/50. Are you seriously going to gamble with your marriage given those types of odds? How crazy is that. Even an addictive gambler never bets so exceptional high steaks and so exceptionally low odds.



You have a very long way to go as yet. If I was you I'd get out of that field where you're waving a bloody great red flag at a Bull and so tempting fate. In fact if I was you I'd run out of that field, burn the flag, bury the ashes and say a little prayer that it never happens to you.


You think the guys here haven't been where you are?


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