# Is this what love is?



## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Greetings,
It is getting very close to my 35th wedding anniversary. I am not really sure if our reason for being married is about love.
I asked my H today if he loves me and I got the same answer that I have been getting for the last three years, " I don't know."
We have been stuck and unhappy since he retired. Some days are better than others.
We have been to two MCs and read many self-help books. 
We read the Five Love Languages. My top language is words of affirmation and his is physical touch.
We are stuck right now because he says he cannot give me words of affirmation because it isn't him and I will not give him physical touch because I am craving a comment.
I asked for a nice comment for my birthday. I got, " That blouse looks nice on you." Better than usual. It was my birthday. 
Don't get me wrong, he says nice things about my cooking. He may even say something about how nice the house looks.
Maybe I should be grateful for what I get. Some get far less.
I really like my husband but we are not close. I could say lots of nice things about him and I generally do. But, yes, sometimes I hold back out of resentment.
Is this what love is?
-Zora


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Zora said:


> We are stuck right now because he says he cannot give me words of affirmation because it isn't him and I will not give him physical touch because I am craving a comment.


The first thing to rule out when emotional distance appears in marriage is an affair. If he's cheating, you can be the perfect wife and he won't see it. So, I recommend ruling that out. If he spends all day at home, make sure he's not chatting online with another woman. If you can rule out him being focused on another women, then you can deal with your stalemate.

These kinds of stalemates are too common in marriages. They're based on resentment and they're hard to overcome. What it sometimes takes is one person to take the first step. Since you are here looking for advice, I recommend you be the one to temporarily put your needs aside and strive to meet his.

It's possible that, once you show your husband that you love him enough to meet his needs, he will feel more love toward you and start wanting to meet your needs.

If you both keep insisting on making the other blink first, then I think a divorce is in your future.

Good luck.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Why did your husband retire?
How old is he?

Sounds like he is depressed since retiring. What are the two of you doing to fill your time?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Going to work and coming home to the same woman for 35 years is either love or insanity. Whatever you've got going on over there is apparently working or you wouldn't still be in the game and neither would he. My grandfather just passed. He and my grandmother were married 75 years. He didn't write her poetry or walk around with a rose between his teeth, but he adored the woman and would have been hopelessly lost without her. Same thing for her. He showed his love mostly by working and he screamed it to her every day. She showed her's by taking care of the kids, the house, and him and she screamed it back to him every day. You have kept a marriage going longer than most of us on this forum. You should be giving us advise.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Things do go a lot better when he gets his needs met.
I guess it's up to me to go elsewhere for my words of affirmation.
Luckily I have some friends who don't mind telling me why they like me. 
I don't think he is having an affair.  One never knows.
H suffers from chronic mild depression. More since retirement. He is taking St John's Wort and attending Recovery International every week. 
He wants to build boats. He says he never gets a chance to do this. His reasons are (in no order), I make him do too many household chores, the house needs paint, we need a retaining wall built, roof needs repair. His life is an endless string of doing things he doesn't want to do. No wonder he is unhappy.
-Zora


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

Someone has to go first 

I haven't got half the experience you have, but if I were you, I would decide just how important/urgent those house things are, and if they're not that bad, I'd assure him that I'm not bothered about whether they get done soon, and encourage him to make a boat! Help him do it if you can, just be there! Completing projects together is great for couples to be together, both working towards one goal, and if he is an achiever like me, he'll feel great doing it and feel like he has a purpose  sometimes we just need to think, life is too precious to use up without doing the things we really want to. Best wishes!


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks for the reply, ks.
I am an adult so I will go first. 
I think we are codependent. He blames me for not being able to do what he wants. In reality, I don't think it's me.
We did paint and are building the wall together. I don't think he wants help with the boat.
I see what you are saying, just be there. 
We will see how it goes.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

My H was visiting his dad this weekend and I called with a question about how things were going and when he was planning to come home.
He told me and when I asked how the sailing meeting he had attended went he said something like you aren't interested in that. Then in the background I heard his dad say Yeah. Sailing stuff.
I often have trouble figuring out why I am upset. Last night I had a dream that made it clear to me.
I was on a blind date at a fancy dress party. I had a beautiful dress with me and planned to put it on and do my hair and makeup. 
I met the blind date and he was very cute but when I talked to him I realized he was a JERK. 
I was upset and some friends comforted me and suggested I get dressed and try to enjoy the party anyway.
I couldn't find my dress and spent the rest of the dream looking for it.
When I woke up this morning and remembered the dream, I realized that it was about my current life. 
The comment he made in front of his dad was shaming. I didn't make a mistake, I am a mistake. I've been reading Brene Brown's books on shame.
To me he was discounting my interest in his special interest. He was saying that I am not good enough because I'm not interested in the same things as he is. And his dad agreed from the background.
First of all only a JERK would say something like that and second it is not true.
Why is he with me if I am such a disappointing wife?
Opinions, please.
-Zora


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I know a few guys who have suffered from a “lack of purpose” and “feelings of inadequacy” when they retire, could this be the case with your husband?

For those men (especially but it does affect women) who spend say 50 years defining themselves at least in part by the job that they do / or the money they bring in it is hard to deal with the reality of retirement. For decades they have reason and motivation to get up and out to work each weekday and then feel that they can come back home having achieved something and ready for the challenges of maintaining their home and relationships, once they retire they have only their home life and this can leave them feeling un fulfilled. 

With this “downer on their mood” and the pressure of spending so much more time together with their partner than either of them is used to it is not surprising that differences in outlook or priorities that had been masked for perhaps years come to the fore.

If both partners still have their health then retirement should be one of the happiest periods within a relationship, if the mortgage is paid off and the children (if any) grow couples should have the time, money and energy to enjoy life together but that does not always work. The best advice I have heard on this subject is that couples should continue to “compartmentalize” their lives to some extent. Each should have time / budget for their own hobbies / interests, they should still have “date night” or even better “romantic breaks” together as well as time to socialize as part of a wider family / friendship circle.

As for the different ways each which we show / seek confirmation of our partners love the fact that you have made it through so great a time would seem to indicate that the two of you do have an understanding of each other’s needs even if you both at times fail to show it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Retirement can be very difficult. Some love it and some hate it and need to find a new purpose in life. Adjusting to being with a spouse after retirement is often difficult. 

He isn't one to give compliments. Don't ask for them. When you have to pull compliments out of someone they aren't worth having. 

As to why he would still be with you if he feels you are "a disappointing wife" only he knows the answer. Ask. 

People think long marriages must be happy marriages. They can be but they just as easily might not be. I ended mine after 45 years due to cheating. I wanted whatever time I have left to be happy and it is.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

Thanks, Wiltshire.
I am so glad you did not advise me to leave him. 
He has been depressed since I have known him. Usually just sad or angry. He can get out of bed and he stays active.
I told him this morning how I felt about what he said. I used "I feel" language and explained my feeling in response to what he told me on the phone in front of his dad.
I told him I felt shamed and he said he didn't understand. I said that didn't change the way I felt.
Later he wanted to show me the new sailing gear he bought for his upcoming trip. I just said I wasn't interested but I was sure it would look cute on him.
I am trying to set boundaries. I have been treated badly for a long time. I have been angry for a long time. 
-Zora


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Zora said:


> Thanks, Wiltshire.
> I am so glad you did not advise me to leave him.
> He has been depressed since I have known him. Usually just sad or angry. He can get out of bed and he stays active.
> I told him this morning how I felt about what he said. I used "I feel" language and explained my feeling in response to what he told me on the phone in front of his dad.
> ...


Wait... you felt he shamed you and that it meant you weren't good enough because he said, "My sailing meeting? You're not interested in that!" but you turn around and TELL him you're not interested in sailing... (insert a loving eye roll here)

All long term relationships have some degree of interdependence, which is not the same as codependence. I can't tell from your posts whether you may be codependent because I see some indication that you're more inter- than co-. 

You say you've read all the books, and then explain that you're in a contest of wills over meeting each other's love language needs, but here's what you don't say: 

What are you doing together to have fun with each other? 

Fun is the glue that makes relationships fabulous. How can you find some?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Wait... you felt he shamed you and that it meant you weren't good enough because he said, "My sailing meeting? You're not interested in that!" but you turn around and TELL him you're not interested in sailing... (insert a loving eye roll here)
> 
> All long term relationships have some degree of interdependence, which is not the same as codependence. I can't tell from your posts whether you may be codependent because I see some indication that you're more inter- than co-.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with this. I understood what you were saying OP as that is how I have felt my whole marriage (21 years). My husband is emotionally unavailable and I am codependent, not a good combo. I am learning to detach. Perhaps reading on codependency might help you to understand yourself. At the same time I think it is possible your husband could be feeling a little lost in retirement. My dad and my grandmother both wanted to go back to work rather than sitting around. I think it gave their lives meaning and purpose.


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## Zora (Aug 2, 2010)

> Wait... you felt he shamed you and that it meant you weren't good enough because he said, "My sailing meeting? You're not interested in that!" but you turn around and TELL him you're not interested in sailing... (insert a loving eye roll here)
> 
> All long term relationships have some degree of interdependence, which is not the same as codependence. I can't tell from your posts whether you may be codependent because I see some indication that you're more inter- than co-.
> 
> ...


Well, I guess I haven't read everything...
I want to be interdependent. Yes?

We are not having much fun together. MC asked what we had planned for retirement. We just looked at each other. We made no plans.

We both had bad childhoods with codependent parents. We are struggling to understand what is healthy.

I realized that I was worked up over something that I should have let go. I was envisioning my H and his dad sitting around talking about how bad their spouses were. But I do the same thing when visiting with my sister. I apologized to H for causing undue drama.

I do have a hard time deciding when something is a big deal.

We talked this morning about scheduling some fun time together. I think we have to write it on the calendar or it will not happen. Sad but true.

Thanks for kicking my butt, KathyBatesel. 

-Zora


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Zora said:


> We talked this morning about scheduling some fun time together. I think we have to write it on the calendar or it will not happen. Sad but true.
> 
> -Zora


Truer words were never spoken! It's so easy to just go with the routine that sometimes we forget. Wishing you guys the best!


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## KalmAndKollected (Sep 26, 2012)

Wow, 35 years.. congrats! I've been married only 3 years, but will say this. It sounds like he's told you already what his issues are. If they're like issues I have in my marriage, it's simple. He wants to do things, and for some reason, he's got it in his head that you're preventing him from doing things he wants to do that truly make us men happy when we do them. Retirement... relax. Let him do his thing, but also do things together... but IMO it's extremely important to give a spouse space if they're that kind of person (when cheating is ruled out of course).


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