# PLEASE, HELP - It's long, but please read...



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Hello,

I am currently very upset and confused, so forgive me if this comes off with an angry or hurt edge to it. I am writing here hoping someone out there can help me. 

My husband and I reconciled after about a 9 or 10 month separation. If you look back at my threads you will see that I spent a lot of that time here on this forum, as I was so lost.

Now, I am back as a couple of issues continue to haunt my marriage, and I am not certain that they will ever iron out. My husband and I are in a heated argument once again. I have neglected to visit the site, as my husband told me that these sites are not conducive to a healthy marriage, as only one side of the story is heard. In addition, he told me that if I was visiting forums without his knowledge, then I am lying to him. He does not want me to talk to my/our friends or family about our problems, so where am I to turn. I love my husband with all of my heart, but I am not feeling very happy about where things have gone or are headed. I am afraid that this may not work.

When my husband and I reconciled about 10 monthsa ago, he asked me if I had sex with anyone else while we were separated, assuring me that if I had nothing between he and I would change. I told him I did not, and he continued to badger me about once a week. I kept answering the same questions over and over again, until I finally blew up and told him that if he did not believe me and did not stop badgering me, I could not reconcile with him. I just knew that life would be hell. Finally, my husband swore that he believed me and that he would never bring up the time that we were separated again. I was very leery and expressed to him that I was concerned that he was just saying that so I would come home, and that I was afraid that he would not be able to control himself after about six months. I told him that I did not believe that he would never be able to let go of the time that we were separated and would always throw it in my face. He assured me that he had changed and would never do such a thing. How could I have been so naive to have believed him? 

A few months after we reconciled, we got into an argument (I can’t even remember what about), when he told me that was why he did not believe that I was not seeing anyone during our separation. Amazingly enough, I was shocked by his comment. He told me that I could prove that I had not by taking a lie-detector test.

Now, about 1 1.2 to 2 years before our separation he made me take a lie detector test because he believed I was unfaithful. It was the single most traumatic three weeks of my life. I went through hell as the days lead up to the test, as my husband treated me like a wh*re, and abused me verbally, mentally and emotionally. He also destroyed things in the house and made me get down on my knees and clean up the mess as he hurled obscenities at me. Finally, I had a stranger probe me about every intimate detail of my life as I answered every question with fright and embarrassment. When I passed the test, I dropped to my knees and cried, then forgave my husband for putting me through this horrible ordeal. NOW, HE WANTS ME TO DO IT AGAIN? “NO WAY!”, I thought to myself. While we were separated I expressed to my husband that I should have never had to go through what I went through and would never do it again. I explained to him that if he ever asked me to do anything like that again, I would leave him. But, now it is happening all over again. I am sure everyone here knows just how hard it is to carry-out a promise like this when you love someone so much. Instead of refusing the test, I told my husband that I would do it if he wanted me to, but just like the last time, I would be bringing my sister, best friend or both with me for moral and emotional support. This seemed to piss him off. He told me that he would never ask me or tell me to take another lie-detector test, but that I should want to do it for him. I am not stupid and am onto his angle. He does not want me to tell my friends or family that he is requesting I take a lie-detector test once again. None of them agreed with it the first time and told me that it was a form of abuse. Rather, he wants it to be that I have to tell them that I want to take the test. I MAY BE STUPID IN LOVE, BUT I AM NOT ENTIRELY DUMB! I reiterated to him that if he wanted me to take the test, I would, but made it very clear that I would NEVER want to take a lie detector test. I mean, who would? Seriously! What does he take me for, a total idiot?

Nonetheless, this argument has not died after all this time. He tells me that I do not care about his feelings and don’t care that this will torture him for the next fifty years or so. I told him this was a condition of our reconciling and reminded him that he promised he believed me. I told him that I do not want to be in a marriage like this. He even stopped badgering me for a little bit, as he tried to convince me to move forward with having children.

When we reconciled, we agreed that we would wait a year in order to allow our marriage to grow strong again before we tried to get pregnant. However, after about 6 months he began pressuring me to have children, always excusing the rush by saying that he would not have children past the age of fifty (he is currently 48). He held me back from having children for about six years before we were separated, but now he was in a rush. I convinced myself to move forward with trying to have a baby, thinking that he was over the lie detector test issue. I mean, if he wasn’t he wouldn’t want to bring a child into this marriage, right? Wrong! Just after this first month of our trying to conceive, my husband, 17-year-old step-daughter and I were listening to the radio during a road trip when he and I did not agree on who sang a particular song, so I chose to google it just to find out who really sang it. I only wanted to be educated. I was not competing with my husband, but he takes everything as a competition. He asked me why I needed to google it if I was not trying to prove him wrong. I told him that I just want to know the truth. He replied by saying “So do I.” My jaw just dropped in shock. Not only had he brought up this issue again, but he had done it while we trying to conceive and while my step-daughter was right there next to us. I asked “Are you serious?” in amazement. He replied “Yes, I’m serious”. We both ignored it from there and seemed to pretend the comment had never been made. Just last week, he did it again. He said that I was selfish and did not consider his feelings as I would not take a lie-detector test. I again reminded him that I had never refused, but that he would never make me want to take one. Just like every other time this issue comes up, he told me that if had nothing to hide then I would have no problem taking the test. I told him that he was full of it, and was only trying to guilt me into doing something that I did not want to do. Adding, that the last time I took one I was very scared and did not want to do it and finally proved that I never had anything to hide. 

Today, he did it again. This time I blew up. I told him that if I ever did wind up taking the test for some ungodly reason, I would take the results, ball them up, chuck them at his face and then f***ing leave him. He then told me that I was acting immature because I was yelling and cursing.

Why is he doing this to me? Will this ever end? Please, has anyone out there ever been through this? Can anyone tell me how this will end or how to get through it?

Sincerely,



LOSING IT


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You love someone who is emotionally abusive. The way to get through it is to leave him and get lots of conseling about why you think this is "love," because it is not. It is drama at its best, abuse at its worst--and both at all times. Please do not have children with this man. He just wants to find another way to control you. 

Please get counseling; there is nothing normal or healthy about this relationship and the very fact that he tries to keep you from talking to anyone else about your life is a sign of his controlling, untrusting nature. You sound very co-dependent and you need help if you want to live a life that is full and happy.


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## hippygirl39 (Apr 14, 2011)

I was quite shocked when I read your post that you had even consented to one lie detector test and can't believe he is asking you to take another. This is not normal behaviour in a healthy relationship. My feelings are that he is rushing you into having a baby as a way of keeping you with him because he knows he will have more control over you when there is a baby to consider. I think the post above about getting counselling is absolutely right and think carefully about conceiving a child at this stage as I really don't think it will heal the relationship but add to the problems you are having and tie you to a man who isn't making you happy.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

Your husband is abusing you emotionally, verbally, you name it. He is controlling you, and keeping you from getting support from your friends and family and he even wants to keep you away from this forum. He doesn't want you to wake up and realize what a poor excuse for a man he is.

You love him, and he is using your feelings to continue abusing you. 

Seek counseling, get support from friends and family. Your relationship is not healthy or normal, and your husband is simply abusing you without regards or respect for you.

Only you can say enough. Life is only one, and time is ticking. Don't waste it being abused. Please get help.


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## mmomof3 (Apr 19, 2011)

Wow, leave, that is not a healthy relationship (mine isn't perfect either and we have trust issues). Really think about what life would be like if you had children with that man (your life and the kids). how do you think you would react if he treated your children the same way?


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

You need to muster up the strength, and get out immediately. It sounds as if are in a very dangerous situation. This man is mercifully controlling, abusive, paranoid, and possibly mentally ill. I would bet if he hasn't already, the physical abuse will come sooner than later. I am so proud of you for sharing all that you did on this forum. You are in crisis. Do you have a support system in your life? You have to get out. In my opinion, it is not in anyone's best interest for you to pursue having another child with him. This may seem confusing and terrifying, but you must protect yourself and your child/children. You are definitely worth it. You'll be ok. Just take care, and get yourself safe, and away from the abuse. Trust me..........It only gets worse. I wish you much luck and get on here whenever you need to help you through this  Hang in there!


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I thank you all so much for replying. You have confirmed all of my beliefs about the situation. Whenever I become emotional over these types of things, my husband tells me that I have issues. He tells me that I am overly emotional, a drama queen if you will, and that all of my friends and family know so. I don't mean to be a drama queen, or overly emotional. It hurts so badly. I don't know how to react other than to cry uncontrollably, or react defensively using a matter-of-fact tone with him until I finally break and begin yelling and crying. I am not an angry or violent person in any way, shape or form, but have definite anger issues toward him. 
When we reconciled, I was somehow able to forgive him for all that he had done to me in the past. I have never once thrown anything he has ever done in the past in his face since we reconciled. All I want is to be happy in love with my husband. However, I find myself walking on eggshells again, and the anger and resentment is flooding back very quickly. This seems all to familiar to me. Therefore, it is reminding me of all the very harmful treatment he bestowed on before we separated.

I know that I need to go back to counseling. I just want him to love me, and be happy in love with me.

I am not perfect, though. In the past, I would lie to my husband about having a credit card or bank account, because I was so afraid of how he would react. I would also lie about who I was confiding in about our problems. Again, because I would be afraid of how he would react if he knew I was talking to people outside of the house. However, when we reconciled he told me that I could talk to my family and friends about how I was feeling, but asked me not to run to my family for every little thing as it only causes more problems. I agreed to this and promised him that I would always be honest with him from there on, but haven't. The first issue of dishonestly was directly after he brought up the request for a lie detector test a few months after we reconciled. I told him that I told my best friend, but neglected to tell him that I told my cousin. This was not an every little thing type of issue to me. To me, this problem was huge. He found out, and asked me if I had talked to anyone other than my best friend about the issue. I denied it, until he assured me that he knew I had. He was very angry as he told me that I had promised not to talk to anybody about our problems and then told me that he could not trust me as I had lied again. I apologized for lying, but explained that I had not agreed to not talk to my family or friends about anything, and expressed that I did not feel that I should have to tell him about every conversation I have with anyone about my feelings. I expressed that I should have a right to some individual privacy. He did not agree. 

Recently, I maxed out my credit card ($1,350.00). Not exactly big money, but I had created more debt for myself nonetheless and was terrified to tell him. So, initially, when my husband asked me what my balance ws on my credit card I lied about the amount. Then it began to eat at me. I wanted to be honest. I did not want my marriage to be the way it was in the past. As hard as it was to come clean, I decided that I needed to give my husband the opportunity to not flip out on me, so I told him the truth as I sobbed uncontrollably and apologized repeatedly. Believe it or not, he did not get mad. He stayed very calm, but said he was still upset that I had lied to him before telling him the truth, adding that this was why he could not trust me with regard to the time we were separated. I explained that it took everything in me to get over my fear of him and be honest, as I did not want to lie. I explained that I was trying everything to be honest in our marriage. He just asked me if he could hit me again, and tell me that he was trying not to. I said no. While he did not blow-up on me, he found a way to make me out to be a lowly liar, which was almost worse. He has since told me that, because I have lied to him twice since we reconciled, that I have changed nothing about myself for our marriage, while he has changed everything about himself. But, wait a minute, I was not throwing him across rooms, smashing his face into a mattress, or constantly making him feel worthless by calling him names or telling him he did nothing. I DID EVERYTHING!!!!!! I did not call him names (not that I did not react to his incessant verbal abuse by saying f-you maybe twice), I was not physically abusing him (not that I did not slap him in the chest like something out of Gone With the Wind, when he continually hurled unwarranted insults at me as I was curled up on the floor before I could take no more), I cooked him dinner everynight even though I work an hour and half away from the house, I took care of both of his children and provided them with whatever they needed, and I cleaned the house. I even when to college full-time and obtained my Associates Degree in Education while working my far-away full-time job, all the while still maintaining the home and children. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DO NOTHING?!?!?!?! Anyway, I am venting about the pain and anger resulting from his treatment in the past. Again, I decided to let all of that go when we reconciled, but now it is all coming back.

Just the other day, I attended my sister’s 30th birthday, when I found out my oldest step-daughter’s recent ex-boyfriend had been invited to the part and she had not. I found this to be so wrong, so I blew-up on my sister and brother-in-law for betraying family, as it is not the first time my BIL has done this to family. My husband already hates my BIL so I decided not to tell my husband in order to spare the family even more turmoil. After all, I had done my part and defended my husband’s daughter. Well, my husband found out about it and told me that withholding information from him was the same as lying to him. He then proceeded to tell me, once again, that this was the reason that he did not trust me and was unsure about the time that we were separated. He again told me that I chose to allow him to live in torture for the next fifty years, because I would not take a lie detector test. I DID NOT LIE! I thought I had done the right thing and did not want to make it even bigger than it already was. I was trying to keep as much peace in the family as possible. I truly believe my husband just tries to find any reason to relate something to the issue of needing a lie detector test.

I want a baby so badly, as I waited so long for my husband to do his part, I am 31 years old, and my mother began menopause at 37. I have had such trouble trying to have a baby and am afraid my time will pass me by. My biological clock is ticking. There is a part of me that does not care where our marriage is at, and just wants a baby of my own. I have raised his two daughters and have always wanted a child of my own. However, I am scared of being stuck with a child and back in the same situation I was less than two years ago. What do I do? I do love my husband. I look at him and see the beauty in his eyes and smile. He makes me laugh, as he is so intelligent and witty. How could he be so, so, so... I don't even know what to call it. He is doing something to me, but what exactly is he doing? What do you call it? When you can't pinpoint exactly what is happening or identify what it is that's going on, how do you know anything is going on at all? It is all so hazy. But whatever it is, it's real, and it hurts. I just want it to stop. Why can't my husband just be happy in love? What is wrong with him? If he is broken, can he be fixed? Can I be fixed?

How do you just get out immediately anyway. You are charged with abandoning your family, giving up and copping out. If I leave again, I will not be able to go back, as I have left too many times already. Reconcilation will not be an option. I would have to be ready to completely let go, and deal with my husband's harrassment after I leave. Just as he did when we were separated, he will follow me. Send me nasty messages, claiming my youngest step-daughter said them. When we were separated he sent me text messages, signing my step-daugter's name, stating that I abused her and that she was calling the cops. This stuff can be harder to deal with than just staying in the relationship. My husband is very good at making you feel like a terrible person, even though you know your heart is good.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I hate how my husband is so good, at withholding love and affection, and not engaging in conversation with me. Even when I confront him with the pain it is causing me, he just says that he is not doing anything. He claims that he is not ignoring me, because he will actually provide me with a short answer when asked a question. He has told me several time that he cannot help the way that I feel. I am not stupid. You could cut the tensino with a knife.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

> He is doing something to me, but what exactly is he doing? What do you call it? When you can't pinpoint exactly what is happening or identify what it is that's going on, how do you know anything is going on at all? It is all so hazy. But whatever it is, it's real, and it hurts. I just want it to stop. Why can't my husband just be happy in love? What is wrong with him? If he is broken, can he be fixed? Can I be fixed?


What is he doing? He's abusing you. Physically. Verbally. Emotionally. Financially. He's abusing you. Of course that hurts.

What's wrong with him? He's an abuser. He has an absolute need to exert power and control over you by any means necessary.

Can he be fixed? Only if he admits he has a problem and begins long term, intensive therapy to change his fundamental beliefs about relationships and interactions.

Can you be fixed? Only if you admit this is a problem and decide to take care of your own safety and your own needs.

It's simple to say and much harder to do, I know....but that's the truth.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Is there anyway, to make him see what he is doing? I want to make us right. I have even considered taking the lie detector test, but that only helps him. It would only cause more hurt, anger and resentment in me. I have done this once, and don't think I can put myself through it again. Is there another way to solve this problem?


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Counseling has done nothing for us as a couple.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Couples counseling doesn't work when there's domestic violence. The victim can't ever be open about what's going on because it will always be thrown back in her face and used against her, which only reinforces the power and control of the abuser.

And you can't fix him. Calling him an abuser and pointing that out isn't likely to convince him that it's true, although it would be nice if that worked. Most likely it's just going to start a fight and escalate into something ugly.

There's no reason to take the lie detector test. It's degrading, embarrassing and pointless. Part of the way that abusers maintain their power and control is by constantly keeping you off balance, by changing the "rules" that will make them happy and keep the peace. Did taking it the last time fix your relationship? I'm guessing not since it sounds like there's a whole list of things that have happened since then.

The only thing that you can make right is you. You can either create boundaries and consequences for him. For example you said in the first post that you told him if he ever wanted you to take a lie detector again, you'd leave him. Clearly that wasn't true, but that would have been a boundary/consequence if it had been. Either that, or you can decide that your marriage as it is, right now, with the demands for submission, the skewed and changing reality and ongoing abuse...is fine and acceptable. He's the only one that can change his behavior. And as long as you're there and ultimately giving in to the manipulations, he has no reason to change.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

My husband used to physically abuse me, up until about three years ago, when our therapist told him that if he touched me again he would have to deal with the police. He has not touched me since that day. He also has refrained from calling me names since we reconciled. Sometimes, I feel the only reason he changed these things was so that he would never be arrested and so that he could always says that he does not abuse me anymore. He can honestly say that he does not hit his wife or call her names. Sounds great when your the person on the other end of that conversation, doesn't it? Of all of his relationships, I am the only one who ever told family and friends of his behavior. His past wives mostly kept quiet. So, at times I feel that he did not change these things because he loves me and does not want to hurt me, but because of the way he is perceived by others. I could be wrong. 

I do know that my husband loves me. So many people have told me that if my husband abuses me, then he does not love me. This is not true. I do know that he love me. Some just are unable to see what they are doing to the ones they love. This makes things even harder for me. If I knew my husband did not love me, it would be so much easier to just be done with the whole situation.

He is out of town this weekend, so I am relieved to have a break from him, yet miss him so much at the same time.

The ambivolence sucks. It makes it hard to know how you really feel and make important decisions in your life.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Why do you stay with this man---he emotionally and physically abuses you---he controls you, he manipulates you---and you allow it

Are you so afraid to go out into the world on your own---that you will continue to suffer this abuse the rest of your life

You have three choices---1st---get a divorce, and move on---2nd---play the same game as he does---apply a hard 180---and if he does come at you---get right back in his face, and give him a dose of his own medicine---and tell him point blank to his face if he hurts you in any way---you will call the police then and there---3rd choice---do nothing, and continue to live in misery

What is it YOU WANT??????


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I did that when I separated him from him. I was as cold and callous as I could be. He became a hurt little boy, which tugged at my heart strings so badly. It was like a complte role revearsal. He cried. He begged. I held out. However, my heart was still there even though I would not let him see it. I told him to leave me alone. I told him there was no chance for us to reconcile. He refused to leave me alone. He followed me. He would drive by the house I was staying at in the wee hours of the morning just to see if I was home. My family suggested I get a restraining order at the time, but I felt that was overdramatic and possible going too far. I mean he was not threatening my physical well-being. I pushed him away for ten months as I treated him so matter-of-factly. Now, he throws all of this in my face. He constantly reminds me that I treated him so horribly while we were separated. He tells me that I was mean to him and that I did and said things he never thought I would. It has all backfired in my face.

For instance, our friend's wife invited me to hang out with them when my husband is out of town on the weekends. I thought it was very nice of them, as I do get very lonely. Due to the wife's silly behavior while she was drunk last weekend (her wedding day - she jokingly acted as though she was coming on to me), my husband said that while he was not trying to tell me what to do, he was not comfortable with em hanging out with her alone at her house, because she might be bi-sexual. Of course, if my husband is uncomfortable with this, I would never hang out with her alone and told my husband so. However, I also told my husband that I hope he knows that no matter what she is or what she tries, I would never do anything with her. He then told me that while he did not think I would, there are many things I have said and done that he thought I would never say or do. He was referring to the time that we were separated when he asked me if I was seeing anybody. At the time that we were separated, I was dead set on divorcing my husband, so when he asked me this I responded by saying that I was not, but that either way it would not be any of his business and would not tell him if I was. I was trying to get him to leave me alone. I was trying to get him to understand that he did not own me and had no control over me. I was angry at that moment. I would never cheat on my husband, be it with a man or woman. However, he continually insists that I cannot be trusted. This is eating at me and making me feel very hurt and angry.

I just want to move on with our lives and be happy. This is all I want. However, I am not happy and am becoming angrier and angrier. He does not realize that I feel he is trying to control me and wear me down so that I will just do what he wants and take this lie detector test, by constantly trying to use my behavior during our separation against me. When we reconciled he told me that he would never hold this period of time against me. He told me that he would never even bring it up and that he actually felt the time we spent apart would actually make our relationship stronger. WHAT A LIAR! I was in such a good place when we were separated. I though I had my head on straight. How could I have possibly believed him? I thought I was strong at that time. How did he wear me down?


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I am feeling guilty about venting on this forum today, as so far today my husband has not really said anything to make me feel bad. He is not acting mad at me, or depressed because of something I have said or done thus far. Nonetheless, an issue at his job has temporarily grabbed his attention and I lie in wait for something to be said. It is very stressful.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

He thought he would let it go, he convinced himself that he could, but at the same time it sounds like he figured he could bring it all up again someday once things were cooled down. Truth be told, if my wife and I are able to reconcile, I'll have to address this same issue because my wife absolutely has been engaging in other relationships while separated. (Of course, she engaged in a series of affairs before leaving and was involved with a man twice her age at the time whom she still lives with right now) I could easily see himself trying to explain that it is all water under the bridge, but these things can nag at you. I can understand what he means by feeling tortured for the rest of his life at the very idea of it.

The problem that he doesn't understand is simply, "so what?" Seriously. You have sworn up and down that nothing happened. He needs to decide that he either believes you, or he doesn't believe you. If he doesn't believe you, or even doubts you, then he has to decide how he feels about that. Lets say that you DID cheat on him during the separation. That is the worst case scenario as far as he is concerned after all. He would have to decide if that would be enough for him to want a divorce. If he wouldn't want a divorce over it, then why the hell does any of it matter?

He needs to realize that he is going to run his marriage into the ground over this and he WILL lose you over it if he persists. You are right in one of your posts when you mentioned how hard it is to follow through on a threat of leaving when you love the person, so you need to approach this differently. Rather than saying, "If you ever bring this up again or try to force me to take this test, I will leave you and get a divorce", you need to address his underlying problem, or rather you need him to commit to addressing the underlying problem.

He has major control issues, and I fully suspect that this is why he is eager to get you pregnant. I used to have control issues as well, probably not severe, but I absolutely remember thinking about trying to get pregnant as a means to further secure the marriage. "Secure the marriage" basically means, "Give her one more major reason to never leave." He absolutely needs to address that, preferably in individual therapy. So honestly I would say don't threaten to leave if he crosses that line, instead threaten to leave if he doesn't immediately agree to look into these issues with you. I would suggest going to see a therapist with him for a few visits and then letting him attend alone.

It's like saying "If he crosses home plate, it's over." Wouldn't it make more sense to try to address the problems at 1st or 2nd base when he's not barreling across the line at full speed.

I want to recommend a book to you that would be extremely helpful I think. It is called "Boundaries" and it is very easy to find at your local bookstore or amazon.com. There is also a "Boundaries for Marriage" that is very helpful as well. I'm telling you though, I can't recommend this book to you enough.

I'm also very interested in what your mind set was during your separation. My wife and I have been separated for about 9 months and I get the feeling that she is in a similar place emotionally. He's pretty hateful towards me, wants me to but out of every aspect of her life, doesn't want to talk, tell me anything, etc. I know she has had moments where she regrets some things, or even thinks about giving us a second chance, but she would never allow me to know that she has these doubts and instead tries to present a solid, stone-walled front at all times. I still haven't figured out how I might be able to soften her heart. Bleh...


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I absolutely understand where you are coming from, Baker. You view things as I think my husband should. Despite the defense that I did not cheat, my husband flat-out promised that it did not matter whether or not I had any relationship or type of relations with anyone while we were separated. So, why does it matter that I take a lie detector test. I have already done this once. I don't want to ever go through it again. If I tell you I did not cheat, then you have to decide whether or not you believe me. Do not put me through this so-called reconciliation if you do not. This is not reconcilation. This is hell.

It is like I told Papa Bear in the Reconciliation Stories forum.

He also has to consider whether or not he believes his ex was faithful during their separation, and expressed to me that he may ask his ex to take a polygraph. While I can appreciate his situation, I am not sure many people know what it is like to go through a polygraph test. First of all, I do not believe in polygraph testing. While I have taken one in the past, and was honest resulting in a pass, when I was a teenager my mother failed a polygraph for employment purposes. She came home in tears. The individual administering her test told her she was lying about her name and the state in which she lived, then called her a liar. Upon being told that she had lied, she defensively begged them to believe her and to test her again. The second test stated she was unreadable. I know my mother’s name. I know where my mother lives. She was not lying. Yet, the lie-detector test said she was. It is a pseudo-science. Why do you think polygraph tests are inadmissible in court. I only took one in the past because my husband gave me an ultimatum. I was to either take the test, or he was divorcing me. I was in extreme fear for the next three weeks, because I knew these tests are not accurate and could ultimately and erroneously state that I was lying. Just because the test stated I was being honest does not mean that these tests are accurate. It only means I had some form of luck that day. The next time I may not be so lucky.

In addition, the entire experience was extremely embarrassing, frightening and traumatic. I sat for two hours while a complete stranger asked me every intimate details about my marriage, then another two hours while he asked me a myriad of questions as I was hooked up to coils and monitors. I cried through the entire ordeal and vowed to myself and my husband that I would never put myself through anything like this again. 

I expressed to Papa Bear that his girlfriend will not be asked just a couple of simple questions and be on her way, and explained that the experience is torture.

I begged him to refrain from requesting his ex do this. I told him to dig down deep in his soul, deep in his gut, and then ask himself if he really believes her or not. I told him that if he did not, or could not deal with not knowing, then he should just let her go. If he chooses to believe her then he should stick to his decision and never raise the issue again.

As far as your wife's cold and hard-shelled nature goes. She has some form of anger toward you and mistrusts you for something that occurred throughout your marriage. She is trying to push you away. She is trying to convince herself that she would be stupid to believe that this will work. She is trying to be strong. She is trying to let her logical mind guide her direction, rather than her heart. I don't know what went on in your marriage, but I was super angry at my husband for making me feel ultimately worthless in every way, shape and form. There was nothing about myself that I liked anymore. I still feel it as I cry right now. The pain is very real, and the accompanying emotion is unbearable. Therefore, in my case, I did everything to avoid emotion. I tried everything to keep busy and laughing. I had a hard time being home alone. I had a hard time sleeping. I stayed out all night. I continued to work two jobs, as I bartended at night. Bartending, was the best for me personally while I was separated, as it kept me super busy and laughing every night, all night. However, it was super-bad for my husband, as he knows that bartenders are always hit on. He became very paranoid, but I did not care at the time. All I cared about was not feeling a thing. I wanted to remain numb. Just like I said before, the accompanying emotion was painfully unbearable.  I can't tell you to give your wife some space. While she needs wants space, you may lose her. The only reason my husband and I reconciled is because he never gave up. He was super persistent and never let me out of his sight. He even had one of his friends play the role of advocate, as the friend cried each and everytime he told me how much my husband had changed and loved me. While I did not want to feel any emotion, my husband never allowed me to bedcome numb as he was constantly doing or saying something to play tug-of-war with my heart-strings. If he had not, he surely would have lost me. Although, I had made no moves to become independent in 10 months time, the one thing I was certain of was that I was never falling for him again. 

If you do not know what you have done to cause your wife to become cold toward you, then you need to find out right away. Whatever it is, you need to consider whether or not you are guilty of what she accuses you of doing. If you are, you need to address it right away. You need to make certain she knows that you admit to it, accept it and are working on correcting the issue.

I hope this has been of some help to you.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

So, as of last night my husband seems to be okay with me again. He is telling me that he loves me when we end our phone conversations, and does not appear to be irritated with me any longer. However, this happens all the time and I am certain this is not the end of this issue. I contemplate what I will say each time the issue comes up. I am so angry and hurt over this. What I really want to say to him is, in a very matter-of-fact and calm tone, "Let me choose my words very carefully. I am not putting up with this s**t anymore. You can take you lie-detector test and shove it straight up your a**, because I will never take one again so long as I live." But, I am too scared to do so. I do not know what the outcome will be.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

crisis1008,

I wanted to respond separately to a few of the things you said about your own situation in my threat...

I feel awful for what you have gone through. Everything my wife and I did, she did willingly with a smile on her face and full approval, even if it was only skin deep and she hurt inside. We also never, ever had sex unless she was 100% honestly into it herself, and she has never accused me of manipulating her into sex with me. Honestly I couldn't be intimate with her unless I was 100% convinced that she genuinely desired it, which is probably why we were intimate so rarely. By rarely, I mean maybe a few times a year at most. Between our marriage in 10/04 and 10/09 when things started going bad, we probably had sex 10 times, I am not joking, and she never once gave me oral sex. If I didn't feel she was wanting it, then I felt like I was using her and that simply doesn't work for me. The idea that your husband could do any of that while you were in tears or openly not comfortable with it, is quite shocking.

Honestly I think the difference here is that I was basically an idiot, a blind fool, or both. Either I couldn't see the pain behind her words and actions, or other factors (being turned on?) prevented me from seeing it. If she would here I think she would agree that I never knowingly or intentionally did anything that would hurt or take advantage of her. I was just a fool and never realized that this is exactly what I was doing. I think that is why it hit me so hard when I finally realized it, and why I sought to commit to a complete 180 degree change. That change, by the way, I still have not completed either. The last thing I want anyone to believe is that I am "all better now, a perfect man", lol.

The fact that your husband seems to be able to knowingly do things that hurt you, but not be bothered by it, makes me think that his control issues are far more advanced than mine were. The lie detector text thing is a MASSIVE red flag here. I'm sure he isn't an idiot, he probably knows they are pseudo-science at best, so even if you pass again he still will never feel 100% satisfied. In fact, he'll probably just grow angrier and angrier over time at the idea that you may have cheated on him, but at that point he would have no real recourse for alleviating that fear. If you take it and fail, then you are doomed. The point here is that none of it should matter. If you had cheated, or the test determined you are lying even when you aren't, then he'd have to decide how he will respond to that. If you don't take the test, or the test says you are telling the truth, then he still won't be 100% satisfied and he'll still have to decide how he will respond to that.

Either way, you guys need to be in counseling. At the very least, you should meet with a counselor yourself to help you work through how you are going to respond to all of this. I think it would especially be helpful if you could get him into a counselor with you at least one time so that you can deliver these things that you need to say to him. I think you said he is opposed to MC... in which case I have an idea for you. What if you started seeing a counselor yourself, as you should, and then after a few weeks or a month or so, you asked him to join you for just one session so that you could talk to him about some of the things that you have been working on in your counseling session? I bet he might feel safer in that scenario when it seems like you are the "patient" who is getting help and he is just the "loving supporter" by coming along for that one appointment. He might even feel good about himself (feeding his need to feel superior and in control) by consenting to attend. You might even mention that the counselor would like his input. He might attend on the notion that, "maybe if a professional could finally tell her all the things that are wrong with her, that I've known for a while now, she'll finally realize how cruel she's been to me and take the test" or something of that nature?

Either way, you have to find a way out of this lose-lose situation. I'm not even remotely suggesting that you give up, I'm just saying that it can't remain status quo.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Baker,

I guess everyone is different, and I just can't fathom any woman who is so sexually distant being so able to just give in to such extreme sexual behavior. I apologize if my interpretation of your situation is incorrect. Whether your wife was more than willing or not, it is obvious that the sexual nature of your marriage is a serious problem for her. She has become that person and resents you for it. Let me ask you a question. What makes a woman decide to become a prostitute? While I am sure it is not applicable to all women who become prostitutes, but you could probably bet that most women who do choose that profession have had someone treat them like a worthless wh**e over and over again, diminishing their self-esteem and self-value. Some women, even men, mistake sex for love. Some women, like myself, will do almost anything to make their husbands happy. I will more than likely do anything for my husband short of sleeping with another, even at his request. I think I would draw the line there. While, I know what my morals are, I say "I think" because I have allowed my husband to do other things to me that I said I would never allow another human being to do to me. I too have smiled during sex, when I wanted to scream because I was so hurt by other things my husband had done to me. I smiled for him. I wanted him to believe that I was happy. I did not want him to know that I had no desire for him at that particular moment, and did not want to reject him. I was afraid that rejecting his advances would make him angry with me, and would cause further problems in our marriage. It seemed so much easier to just do the deed than deal with the mental and emotional anguish that may have accompanied my refusal of him. I guess what I am trying to say is that, while your wife may have smiled, she may have been crying inside as she felt like lesser and lesser of a human being. She became a sex object to you and your friends, no longer a wife in the moral sense of the word. I think she views herself as a wh**e. And, like I said before, blames you for it. Do you value your wife as a person, as a human being, rather than an animal or sex object? Do you value her heart and personality. She is not simply a female. She is a woman... a human, heartfelt, emotional woman.

As far as my relationship goes, my husband is not opposed to marriage counseling. We have been through I think four therapists over the course of the last five years. My husband thinks that just admitting truth is the point of therapy. He does not seem to apply any of the tools we are given. maybe I don't either and don't recognize it. In therapy, I feel more emotional and open to communication as I feel I am in a safe setting where I am allowed to talk. However, I can become carried away, as I want so badly to get my point across. The last session we went to (a couple of months ago) my husband was saying things I did not agree with and would not let me speak so I yelled at him, telling him to shut up. He became very angry with me and walked out of the therapists office. We have not returned since. Therapy has done nothing for us as a couple. I think we might be done with marriage couseling.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

My husband and I are currently in the honeymoon phase of our last cycle. Everything appears great. He even went so far as to call me and surprise me by telling me not to worry about my phone bill. He had paid it without being asked and without my knowing, as I was having technical difficulties rendering me unable to make my payment. I thanked him and told him how much I appreciated it. He just jokingly followed my thank you with "I'm a sweet guy." 

I should be so happy right now, but having been through this cycle over and over again I know that it will only start over soon. Until then, I try to watch every word I say as I try to ensure that nothing triggers the beginning of the next cycle.

I want to be happy right now. He seems to be so sweet this morning. I just don't trust that it will last. I know it won't last.

I have been on this roller coaster so many times before. If the lie detector test is not the peak, something else will be. There has always been something I have done that shakes our happiness. I am either spending too much money, or I am too hard on his daughter, or something made him think about an ex-boyfriend of mine from 15 years ago, or my mom said something, or my sister said something, or my brother-in-law said something, or I asked to go to a concert (his 15-year-old daughter at the time was allowed to go to a concert, but I could not even go with my step-dad), and so on.

I know am speculating and assuming that this will start all over again, but give me some credit. I know my husband. He will find a reason to be mad at me again. If not for the lie-detector test, there will always be soemthing else. At this point, I am just trying very hard not to give him and further reasons to be mad at me.

I am and have always been very courteous to my husband. I cook him wonderful dinners, serve him dinner while he sits in his recliner watching tv, ask him if he is thirsty, ask him if he needs anything whenever I get up, do his laundry, never complain that the lawn has not been mowed in about three months, never complain that the pool has been a cest pool for the last three years, never complain that there is no storage for my little bit of belongings in our 1100 square foot garage, always support him when he wants to buy a new motorcycle or boat, etc. Why can't he be as nice to me, as I always am to him?


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I think he is self-destructive. I am not sure he can ever be happy.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I don't think my husband is eager to get me pregnant. I think he was eager to get me to a point where I was excited about the idea of having children with him, because that would let him know that I was home for good.

I am currently on my 3rd dose of clomid (3rd month of trying), but the first two times, I am certain I did not get pregnant because we did not have sex regularly. The first month we had sex the day before I thought I would ovulate. He became very upset with me when I tried to bring up that I was ovulating and needed his help to get pregnant. We did not have sex again during that cycle. The second cycle we only had sex two days before I thought I would ovulate. Again, he became mad at me when I told him I was ovulating, and said I was turning it into a job. Both months I was afraid this would happen, so I tried not to bring up the subject at all. I tried very hard to be cute about it, or simply turn him on. He was always too tired. I tried to make it my job and not his, because of his history of using my desire to have a baby against me. I never said a word until I new that time was running out at the end of each cycle. He accused me of making trying to get pregnant a job, but I only brought up the issue one time during each cycle. How is that making it a job? I was trying to refrain from that.

So, no. I don't think my husband is eager to get me pregnant. I think he is eager for me to want to be pregnant.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Okay, maybe I am wrong, but I am feeling the tension again. You see I did not spend my 30th birthday with my husband, as it came about directly after we separated. I was fresh away from him and filled with anger and hurt. I did not want to spend my 30th birthday with him. I wanted to be happy and unemotional that day. So, I went to the bar (where I bartended at night) with my girlfriends and had a few drinks, then before I made my way home I had coffee with one of the regular customers who happened to be there. My husband continually reminds me that he wanted to spend my 30th birthday with me and that I had coffee with another man on that day. All I did was have coffee with someone. I wanted to go to Starbucks for a treat before I went home and did not want to sit by myself. So, I invited the guy. It was a cup of coffee with a male aquaintance, nothing more.

Well, last night the episode of Mike & Molly that we watched on tv just happened to be about one of the female characters turning 30. I tried to ignore what would be significant according to my husband. I just continued to laugh at the puns and comical stunts provided by the show. He did not laugh at any of them. He loves that show and usually laughs at everything about it. The rest of the evening he appeared to be very quiet and did not engage in any conversation whatsoever.

This morning he seemed a bit quiet as well. That is, until he began talking about his job. Then, he had a lot to say, but did not stay onthe phone for very long.

I am waiting for a bomb to be dropped on me again. I think this will be his reason to bring up the issue of a polygragh test again. This will build the tension between us once again.

I am already depressed, and don't know just how much I can take this time. I spent my entire hour and a half drive home from work yesterday crying to my mother about how horrible I have been feeling lately. I can't seem to get pregnant, which kills me. Not that my husband is actually putting forth any effort in that area. I am going to have to go back to my doctor after three months of being on fertility drugs to discuss the reason for which I am not getting pregnant. The next stop is supposed to be a laparoscopy, but how can I do that? I need to be honest with my doctor about the fact that my husband and I have not had sex one time while I was ovulating. I tired very hard during the first two months to inform my husband of when I was ovulating. He just became mad at me both times, even though I tried to be as discreet and subtle as possible when talking to him. It will be embarrasing to tell the doctor what has happened this time, as I have had the same doctor for about six years and he is aware of the fact that my husband was hindering my ability to have children in the past. I went to this doctor this time thinking that my husband and I were on the same page now. I was so happy. Who'd of thought that I would wind up embarrased at the OBGYN for the fourth time? I don't know what to do. I am sad.

Am I reading into all of this?


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

crisis1008 said:


> Is there anyway, to make him see what he is doing? I want to make us right. I have even considered taking the lie detector test, but that only helps him. It would only cause more hurt, anger and resentment in me. I have done this once, and don't think I can put myself through it again. Is there another way to solve this problem?


You can't change him. Please seek some individual counseling for yourself. He has beaten you down, and you seem to of lost your self esteem. Life offers so much and there are others. Do not stay with an abuser, please seek some help.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, do not get pregnant with this man. You are so unhappy and he is abusive. Why do you ignore what everyone tells you? Why do you refuse to help yourself? Trust the professionals: you will be GLAD once you are out of his influence, you will look back and wonder, What the heck was I thinking? It sounds like you can rely on your parents, so lean on them if you must--but leave him and stay away from him. You are asking for advice but to give you any other advice would be to ennable your part of the addiction to this sick relationship. I don't want to sound harsh, but you must realize that others see your relationship as very sick. If you continue to insist that only you can see what is worth saving, fine, but don't ask others to participate in it. When I see you on here, I'm reminded of an anorexic, who looks in the mirror but cannot see how awful she looks. You are unable to see how awful your relationship looks. It's just sad and we want you to get out and get healthy.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I have tried to leave once. It did not work. I can't really rely on my parents or family, as they cannot be trusted.

You see, in the past my mother got mad at me a stuck copies of my secret credit card in my mailbox addressed to my husband, saying "To Randy, Merry X-Mas." Yeah, that was my mother. Then there is my sister, whose husband informs my husband of my every move and provides exaggerated and twisted information. The exaggerated and twisted information is exactly what has my husband believed that I cheated on him. I asked my brother-inn-law why he would tell my husband such nonsense and he just denies it, but I know that he did. My family does more harm to me than good. I can't really trust anyone to protect me from the emotional and mental stress that comes along with being with him or without him. They appear to get off from seeing me under more stress.

I do love my husband. If you knew him, you would think he was the greatest guy in the world. He is intelligent, funny, charismatic, handsome, and more. He is a wonderful son, and friend. He is so lighthearted with everyone. Everyone we know loves to be in his company. He has told me several times that everyone we know knows that I play the victim, and that they are all on to me. I am not playing the victim. I hurt. I hurt very badly. I hurt, but I love so much. Like I have said, I did leave him. I tried to be cold and callous. I cannot be that person for very long, because it hurts me to act that way. That is not me. I hurt for others. When we were apart I hurt terribly for him. I missed him. I missed holding him while we slept.

It is just that he continually takes his love away from me. He continually denies me the affection that I need from my husband. I need love. I need a friend. He is not my friend. He is more like a parent. I am always scared of his reaction toward something I may or may not have done or said. He thinks he has changed this, because at times when he is aware that I am really scared he has controlled himself. This allows me to know that he has the ability to treat me right. I know that he can control himself. I just wish that he would just love me for who I am. I feel like he is always trying to change me. Why can't someone just love someone enough to make it work? Why does everyone tell me to leave? Why can't people just help me find a way to be happy in my marriage? I come to this forum to vent and obtain advice on how to get through what is currently going on in my marriage. I always think about leaving again, but that will just lead me back to where I am. I have done this before. I am too in love with my hsuband, and too weak-minded anymore. I am trying to get over this hump in my marriage. I am trying to wait it out. I have hope that once my husband gets past his issues pertaining to our separation, that he will love me back 100% and we will live happily ever after. I know I sound so stupid, but when I got married to my husband I never considered divorce. Considering divorce hurts. I want to be happy. I did not get married to get divorced. I convinced myself that divorcing him was the right thing in the past, but making that move was the wrong thing. I am not really sure what it has done for us. I never intended to return to my husband, but when I finally considered reconcilation, I thought perhaps this time apart would have taught him something and made our love stronger. I guess I was wrong.

I don't mean to sicken anyone with my stories. I am just so lost. I thought this was the right place for me to be. I apologize.


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## helplessandconfused (May 13, 2011)

Crisis1008...I to am in an emotional and abusive relationship. Your issues seem so much like mine. Instead of the lie detector, my husband pushed me into having HIV/AIDS testing done. I did NOT want to do i just because it was humiliating. I get tested every year and had just been tested 6 months before he demanded I do it. I wish I had some advice to give you but I am at a loss myself. Good luck and if you ever need to just vent, pm me.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

I have been there... run...
CoGypsy knows stuff... thank you again btw 
it only gets worse and after kids you will never be totally free... I know, I have 3...


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## court (May 15, 2011)

I need help in my situation. I have nobody to tell my story to and I have NO clue how to work this website. I have read a lot of forums in the last few hours and WHEW it seems like EVERYBODY has something DIFFERENT going on. I feel like I can't relate to anybody or visa versa. Help!


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