# Do I write a ltter to the Ex!!



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Ok, I was married 17 years. We have 2 children. My 16 year daughter that was my best buddy and I was her world, turned on me during the divorce. Yes, thanks to the ex.
Ive been in therapy over my divorce but mostly bc of my daughter. I cant tell you how much she meant to me but thats another story. The therapist says that a 16 year old girl is going to do what she wants and will come around when she decides and for me to give her space. 
My question is not about her but my ex-wife. We also share a 7 year old son that we have joint. Due to the fact that I work every weekend and she works the week, we never have to see each other. The school bus does it for us and on the rare occasion that we exchange him,, its at a Mcdonalds and he walks from car to car. She left in a hostile manner and we couldnt settle on anything. It was VERY bad. WE lost about 2 million and went in bankruptcy over it. I feel in my heart that she truly has a mental problem. I occassionaly hear things she does and she fights on a fight club at 40 years old. She has gotten plastic surgery and maybe its mid-life, but she doesnt really do much with my son. She is also dating a guy that I completly would disapprove of but thats not my buisness. I hate saying it but know matter what she has done and wow, theres a ton,,, I still care. I think I feel caring bc we have childen and that is like a life bond that cant be broken. I havent spoken to her in 5 months, we text. Its sad. When we do talk, I cry and she just laughs and wants to take me back to court for more money and always threatens to sue me. I keep hoping she gets it oneday. 
What I was thinking,,, well,,, just send a typed letter explaining that at some point this should stop. Id like to be friendly and work together. Wouldnt hurt to see a smile. I feel that 17 years is a long time. Due to the kids, she will be in my life forever. Swalloing my pride is not easy bc of the horror she has put me through. I cant live like this forever but she seems fine with it. She is the most bitter person I have ever met. She didnt used to be so selfish,, she was my world and I spolied her and loved her. Im not perfect, I made mistakes but I look back and then look at other relationships and I cant imagine any women not wanting what I gave with my heart and love but obviuosly is wasnt enough. Im afraid to send the letter bc she may use it against me. In our divorce decree, I had one month to get her a few items, like a bike and some other. It was 1 day before the 30 days, and my attorney said if she wont get itm then take it there or your in contempt. I dropped it off in her driveway while she was at work and she had No tresspassing papers served. She went nuts over it. I dont know if she has chilled out but I feel like I should try.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Wall of text! :slap: 

Don't they teach about paragraphs anymore? Makes reading waaay easier.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ok, I was married 17 years. We have 2 children. My 16 year daughter that was my best buddy and I was her world, turned on me during the divorce. Yes, thanks to the ex.
Ive been in therapy over my divorce but mostly bc of my daughter. I cant tell you how much she meant to me but thats another story. The therapist says that a 16 year old girl is going to do what she wants and will come around when she decides and for me to give her space. 

My question is not about her but my ex-wife. We also share a 7 year old son that we have joint. Due to the fact that I work every weekend and she works the week, we never have to see each other. The school bus does it for us and on the rare occasion that we exchange him,, its at a Mcdonalds and he walks from car to car. She left in a hostile manner and we couldnt settle on anything. It was VERY bad. WE lost about 2 million and went in bankruptcy over it. I feel in my heart that she truly has a mental problem. I occassionaly hear things she does and she fights on a fight club at 40 years old. She has gotten plastic surgery and maybe its mid-life, but she doesnt really do much with my son. She is also dating a guy that I completly would disapprove of but thats not my buisness. I hate saying it but know matter what she has done and wow, theres a ton,,, I still care. I think I feel caring bc we have childen and that is like a life bond that cant be broken. 

I havent spoken to her in 5 months, we text. Its sad. When we do talk, I cry and she just laughs and wants to take me back to court for more money and always threatens to sue me. I keep hoping she gets it oneday. 
What I was thinking,,, well,,, just send a typed letter explaining that at some point this should stop. Id like to be friendly and work together. Wouldnt hurt to see a smile. I feel that 17 years is a long time. Due to the kids, she will be in my life forever. Swalloing my pride is not easy bc of the horror she has put me through. I cant live like this forever but she seems fine with it. She is the most bitter person I have ever met. She didnt used to be so selfish,, she was my world and I spolied her and loved her.

Im not perfect, I made mistakes but I look back and then look at other relationships and I cant imagine any women not wanting what I gave with my heart and love but obviuosly is wasnt enough. Im afraid to send the letter bc she may use it against me. In our divorce decree, I had one month to get her a few items, like a bike and some other. It was 1 day before the 30 days, and my attorney said if she wont get itm then take it there or your in contempt. I dropped it off in her driveway while she was at work and she had No tresspassing papers served. She went nuts over it. I dont know if she has chilled out but I feel like I should try.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

SORRY, just at work trying to type and fit it in. thanks


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

rep said:


> SORRY, just at work trying to type and fit it in. thanks


No issues.  You can go back and hit "edit" when you have the time and break it up. You'll get more people reading it and more help. 

The spirit is willing but my eyes say "no way" when staring at it.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Dewayne76 said:


> Ok, I was married 17 years. We have 2 children. My 16 year daughter that was my best buddy and I was her world, turned on me during the divorce. Yes, thanks to the ex.
> Ive been in therapy over my divorce but mostly bc of my daughter. I cant tell you how much she meant to me but thats another story. The therapist says that a 16 year old girl is going to do what she wants and will come around when she decides and for me to give her space.
> 
> My question is not about her but my ex-wife..


With your daughter, best thing you can do is give her space. Let her know that you are there for her. Acknowledge things like her birthday. Don't disappear but don't push it. Eventually, if you are honest, open and make yourself available to her, she should come around. She's probably very conflicted. The worst thing you can do is push yourself on her. 

My son and I had a similar situation. His father was the hero. So I let my son go and live with his father but I always told my son that I loved him and he always had a home with me when he needed it. Well, his father screwed up with him royally and my son is back with me and our relationship is a LOT better. He got the space he needed and wanted and he seems to appreciate our relationship now. 

Sometimes you have to let go a bit to move closer. 

As for your son..I'd keep it as you have it. Don't get involved with your wife at all. Just deal directly with your son and stay away from your wife when you do the exchange. It's better that way for everyone involved. 

It sounds like you have not accepted the fact that you and your wife are done, even though you are divorced. For whatever reason she has no interest in having you in her life. It's time to accept it and move on or else you will never heal and never build a life for yourself. You can and will survive without her. You are in therapy and this is something you need to work on or else you are headed for a bad place. You can't be a good father to your children if you are obsessed with you wife. Let her go. I know, it's easier said than done but you need get over her. 

You should look over something called "The 180" and try to follow it best you can. It's not to get your wife back but to help you move on and adjust to life without her.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Your correct, I have not accepted the loss of her. She has ran around town calling me a monster. She has ruined me financially. She can pull off the innocent look with croc tears and people believe her. I look like an Ogre. Im very big. She just kinda walked out one day and I havent seen her since except in court. I always wanted closure. The couple times we did talk, she only wanted to talk about money. I have lost all faith in humanity. 

As for the letter, I just want to have some type of friendly encounters to work togther for my son. I can see that he is hurting and holding it in and I dont want him blowing up later in life. No I cant take him to therapist bc that could open a can of worms. Children can say the damndest things, then Im back in court trying to keep joint. I want to be the big person and swallow my pride for him. 
She is mean and bitter, very hateful towards me bc she didnt get the huge money I think the attorneys promised her. After 2 years, I would think that you would just move on with things. I also have lost everything and it was def bc of her. For me, money doesnt come close to comparing to my children or even a 17 year marriage. I guess I always feel no matter what happens in life, id be there for her. We have KIDS. Doesnt that bind you forever??

I feel that if I send a heart-felt letter about the bond of children and the future, she would prob take it to her attorney and wonder about my stability. WOW, could that really happen. Cant people be allowed to show emotion and be sensitive and caring without it coming off as "unstable"?

I remember my attorney saying, "never take anti-depressants" while going through divorce bc it could make you look unstable. What is this world coming to. Anyway, Thanks for the poeple who took and take the time to help!!!


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Therapy and psych evals helped my case greatly. My family counselor testified that I made every effort to improve my parenting. She couldn't testifiy as to what my child said or I said but she could give her professional opinion.

Write an email to your wife that the son seems to be having a lot of trouble coping and you'd like to take him to see a family therapist and that you'd like to be involved. You have every right to see the therapist, go WITH your son, etc.

I learned how to handle kiddos outbursts, understand her conflict and be a better parent by chosing my battles and putting her emotional needs first. Some of this I did naturally but having some help never hurts.

When things got really crazy, I asked the courts for a psychological evaluation of parental fitness. We were told who to go see and each had to pay half. We met with her individually, we both met with her together once and we each had to take our daughter several times and we each had to attend sessions with her our daughter several times. Then she writes a report and makes a recommendation.

It's a roll of the dice but I felt confident enough that I was a stable, nurturing person and that surely everyone would see that. I put my faith in the system and it paid off. After he saw the results he settled our of court. He was diagnosed as having severe narcissistic personality disorder, an unnatural attachment (unhealthy obsession more like it) to our daughter which manifested itself into parental alienation syndrome.

Professional help when used properly shows you are thinking about your son's emotional well-being.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Therapy and psych evals helped my case greatly. My family counselor testified that I made every effort to improve my parenting. She couldn't testifiy as to what my child said or I said but she could give her professional opinion.
> 
> Write an email to your wife that the son seems to be having a lot of trouble coping and you'd like to take him to see a family therapist and that you'd like to be involved. You have every right to see the therapist, go WITH your son, etc.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

rep said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you do all this during the seperation before the divorce hearing or after the divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Rep-
I would suggest writing the letter. Read it aloud...to an empty room or out in the woods ( a secluded place)...and then burn it. 

You are asking for closure to help you heal and find peace. So that everyone in your family can heal and finally get along. But it's going to take the effort of your spouse. And something tells me she put zero effort in working or trying to save your marriage. And the way she's behaving, she's not interested right now or possibly ever. And you know what? That's her ******* loss.
If you attempt sending her a letter, you know your letter will fall on deaf ears at best and may be used against you at worst.
Write it, read it aloud, and burn it. You might be surprised how much it helps. I'm sorry for your situation. I can relate. Extremely frustrating! But you have to focus on healing yourself. Once you start doing this, your kids will notice. Deep down they love you (the bond remember!). They will notice your changes and improvements on being an awesome father. And everything else will fall into place.


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## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Thanks, Houstondad. Thats great advice. i dont think Ill be buringing anything, lol. I can see someone watching and thinking Im crazy and use that for custody issues, lol. I get it though. I do sit for very long periods of time and just think, think, think. She RAN from my marriage and never looked back. I have been trying to get over losing my family while she runs around to gyms and such bashing me. Your right, i just want closure soooooo bad. I want to just talk and see her cry and see that she is still human. 
Ive gotten a lot better but not close to healing. Im sure the scar will be there forever which is sad bc Im not sure I can give myself total to another women like I did her. Its a protective measure.
Some days I wake up and think, did this really happen. Its been over 2 years but feels like yesterday sometimes. Your right, Ill never get the closure I need and thats just another raod block of pain to deal with. My girlfriend and her husband are great freinds and watching them work tiogether for there son hurts me. It just makes it tougher to heal when I see it
Anyway, thank you Houstondad!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Your welcome rep. I figure I'm finally getting to a point where I can start reciprocating equally with what I receive when it comes to giving advice vs. receiving it.
The closure part is difficult because we are expecting our spouse to provide their side and help with the closure. But that's not going to happen. Especially with how they left the marriage in the first place. Irresponsible and immature!!
So, you my friend and going to have to close the door to the past YOURSELF. And start looking ahead to be the best person you know you can be.


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