# Can you trust again?



## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

My husband of 22 years recently told me he wanted more out of our marriage, and basically gave me the opportunity to tell him I wanted out, wanted someone else. I don't want someone else. I told him I wanted to repair our marriage, asked for counseling, he said no. He said fine, but things need to change. I asked if there was someone else in his life, he said no. Long story short, there is someone. I have cell records that show they are in constant contact. I also found out he was at a local hotel a weekend he told me he had gone out of town. I keep asking, giving him the opportunity to admit his infidelity, but he continues to say they are just friends. I've confronted him with the cell bill, but not the hotel. He also told me he will now go to counseling, never would before. I said I won't go unless you break off the relationship and he is continuing to stick with there is no relationship, just friends. I know that I haven't been the best wife, but I'm not sure I can tolerate this. I also am so confused. when he talks to me, holds me, etc, it feels real. How could he be in love with someone else and make me feel like he still loves me? Is there a chance at salvaging this? Can you trust someone again?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Who is the OW? Have you read up on exposure? 

He's going to keep lying so stop tipping your hand and sending a message he needs to be more careful, not more honest.

Read the countless threads here on ivestigating here and then on exposure, read all you can. Formulate a plan. Get some advice before doing or saying anything else. Keep copies of evidence safe.

Sorry you are here. He's lying you know that much. You don't go to a local hotel with a "friend"

So he might not want to be alone, he might be using this as an exit affair, he might not want to take the expensive life wrecking step of divorce. Especially if he can have his cake.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Can you trust someone again?


It's possible, but there is a lot of hard work and time and more hard work that needs to happen before that can really be a possibility. And no, it's not possible if he won't admit that he's having an affair. That's the very first step. If he won't do that, you have no way of rebuilding anything since he's still trying to deceive you.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Hopeful, first of all, I am so sorry you are here and please know I and many others know what you are feeling. Please read as much as you can about infidelity: the posts on TAM, books, especially "Not Just Friends" or "After the Affair". Your husband is having at the very least an EA, quite possibly a PA.
Please summon your courage, dignity and self-respect and confront your husband after collecting as much physical evidence as you can. Cheaters will NEVER fess up if they think they can get away with lying a bit longer. If he still refuses to tell the truth, end the affair, give 100% transparency, and go to counseling you may have to give him the ultimatum or go 180 on him which may mean separating until he shows some integrity and comes clean. 

You seem to indicate in your OP that there were problems in the marriage prior than this that you feel somewhat responsible for. That may be so but that NEVER justifies a spouse's infidelity. Do not accept the blame for his cheating, that was and is his choice every time! 

Many cheaters are very capable of making wonderful love to the betrayed spouse and at the same time work at an outside love affair. They compartmentalize their double life so well, it is like they are two different people. But have no doubt, what they give the AP is taken from the rightful recipient: the spouse. Unfortunately, trust is the first casualty when a spouse has an affair. It can take years to overcome the betrayal, the pain and anguish and restoring trust can take even longer, if ever. It can return if everything done to restore the marriage is successful, but I don't think it will ever be 100% the same as before the infidelity. Good luck and you have my prayers.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

hopeful101 said:


> My husband of 22 years recently told me he wanted more out of our marriage, and basically gave me the opportunity to tell him I wanted out, wanted someone else. I don't want someone else. I told him I wanted to repair our marriage, asked for counseling, he said no. He said fine, but things need to change. I asked if there was someone else in his life, he said no. Long story short, there is someone. I have cell records that show they are in constant contact. I also found out he was at a local hotel a weekend he told me he had gone out of town. I keep asking, giving him the opportunity to admit his infidelity, but he continues to say they are just friends. I've confronted him with the cell bill, but not the hotel. He also told me he will now go to counseling, never would before. I said I won't go unless you break off the relationship and he is continuing to stick with there is no relationship, just friends. I know that I haven't been the best wife, but I'm not sure I can tolerate this. I also am so confused. when he talks to me, holds me, etc, it feels real. How could he be in love with someone else and make me feel like he still loves me? Is there a chance at salvaging this? Can you trust someone again?


Seems like a seasoned player. He is not remorseful, and there are red flags all over the place.

What do you want? Do you want to stay in a self-imposed prison for the rest of your life always wondering what he is up to? Why would you deserve such punishment?

Also, adults have sex. Period. "We stayed in a hotel together, but it is simply platonic." Yeah, right!


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

Yes, I know who the OW is. She is also married. That has been my feeling, that he wants her, but she is unavailable so he's trying to make a go of it with me. Not a good feeling. I have just so not wanted to be the one to call it quits. I come from a divorced family due to infidelity and I've never wanted to do this to my kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to tell her husband. And you need to do so without letting your husband or her know you are going to do it beforehand. Read up on my signatures below for how to do this.

Also, Nora is right. He has to first admit to the affair before you can even think about rebuilding anything.

As it stands, until she is out of the picture, you have no married to reconcile.

Expose the affair to her husband STAT.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

hopeful101 said:


> Yes, I know who the OW is. She is also married. That has been my feeling, that he wants her, but she is unavailable so he's trying to make a go of it with me. Not a good feeling. I have just so not wanted to be the one to call it quits. I come from a divorced family due to infidelity and I've never wanted to do this to my kids.


You did not do this to your kids. Your cheating husband did.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Expose this A. If you want to kill it expose it.

Don't tell your WH, just do it.

1. Get tested for STDs.
2. See an attorney. Get your affairs in order. This could get very nasty.
3. When you do speak to your WH tell him no contact. No goodbyes, nothing, NC.
4. This is not your fault.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Everything that Thorburn said!


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Hopeful, I agree with all the suggestions given so far. Expose to OW's husband with all your proofs; perhaps there is a way to do it anonymously...let him pressure her to admit the truth if your husband won't...once she cracks, the gig is up...

I understand where you are coming from as far as being the bad guy...I waited 6 years for my husband to ask for a divorce ...that is how bad our marriage was...never once did I suspect he was having an affair; I trusted him totally and while I knew our marriage was a wreck, did not want to be the bad guy, the quitter...I felt his character was such that he would never be so dishonorable as to have an affair...how wrong I was!

Much of how poorly my husband treated me was due to the affair fog and the very nature of an affair: they can escape the boredom, pressure, ups and downs of marriage, stress, etc. etc in the few hours they spend with AP and come home to dinner, bed and security. Of course, the neglect, disrespect and indifference they show to the BS only adds to the anger, bitterness and resentment the BS returns...making the OW even more an attraction...a downward spiral!

But Hopeful, have HOPE! As bad as our situation was: a 6 year affair and 2 and 1/2 years of false R, finally my husband realized that the last line had been drawn, he came fully clean, he realized the worth of my love and fidelity and we are finally making real progress in rebuilding our marriage.

Do I still have doubts I made the right decision to stay with him? Yes. Do I still trigger? Yes. Do I trust him? Not fully. Have I left the past behind? No. Have I forgiven him? For some things but not others. But we are enjoying a rebirth of our love, see our futures as entwined and have every hope that each day will bring us closer together. Reconciliation can happen but only if both partners desire it above all else, are willing to go through hell and work hard to restore what was lost. Don't give up hope yet if marriage to this man is what you want but don't rest until he admits the truth, ends the affair, and makes serious efforts to restore your trust.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hopeful, you have every right to insist he stop all contact with another women. Even if she is really only just a friend, if it bothers you then it bothers you! That is enough. You don't have to prove to him you know she is more than a friend in order to insist he stop all contact.

You know many addicts will say they can quit drinking or smoking or porn any time they want to. Yet they cannot. You could issue an ultimatum or challenge to him that he can prove to you she is only a friend if he ceases all contact with her. But I am sure he won't be able to for any sustained time.

Anyhow, make this process on your terms. He already knows the extent of what he is doing, so you do not have to prove to him what he is doing. You just have to draw lines in the sand. Set boundaries rather than make demands.

"I cannot remain married to a man who has contact with another woman I do not approve of."

"I know your relationship with her is unacceptable to me, and I will not consider remaining in this marriage under the current circumstances."

He doesn't have to agree you are reasonable, he only has to know you are serious about your position.


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

Thank you all. I'm a total wreck. I haven't eaten more than tea and saltines for 2 weeks. I continue to be told this is all me. When I confess my suspicions I'm told that I'm just not focusing on what's important- our marriage. I would love to tell the husband. I have no idea how to do it anonymously.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

hopeful101 said:


> Thank you all. I'm a total wreck. I haven't eaten more than tea and saltines for 2 weeks. I continue to be told this is all me. When I confess my suspicions I'm told that I'm just not focusing on what's important- our marriage. I would love to tell the husband. I have no idea how to do it anonymously.


You need to read up on exposure. If he isn't being honest about what happened. What are you working on saving? The marriage was in a ditch. Before you waste all that energy pulling it out. Make sure you want to save it if he's not willing to be honest. 

Sorry there are some basic steps you need to cover. You need to pull the curtains back on this friendship and let some daylight shine on it. No need to be anonymous when contacting the OM if he knows who you are he might end up an ally. If its anonymous he's less likely to believe it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

www.cheterville.com for him and her. Expose.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

hopeful101 said:


> Thank you all. I'm a total wreck. I haven't eaten more than tea and saltines for 2 weeks. I continue to be told this is all me. When I confess my suspicions I'm told that I'm just not focusing on what's important- our marriage. I would love to tell the husband. I have no idea how to do it anonymously.


Who is telling you it is all you? Your husband?

Read up on "Gaslighting". It is a common tactic used by cheaters to warp your reality and undermine your belief in what you see with your own eyes.

The hotel is one fact you can hold onto. Some things are facts, and you should remind yourself that you know what you know. Other things may be less than total proof, and thus there is some doubt about what is really going on. Do not let him gaslight you into doubting those things you know.

The weaker evidence is still evidence. Occam's Razor is a scientific principle which says that the simplest explanation is usually the correct explanation. From what I have seen on this forum and in real life, the principle applies to when an affair is suspected. Almost always it is what it seems, and frequently it is even worse than what it seems.

Taking the position with him that he has already violated your boundaries, and thus you presume the very worst, is a strategy with a lot of merit. It puts him on the defensive rather than you trying to prove to him what you know. Also, cheaters never admit to what they think you don't already know. So just don't play that game with him.

Do you have access to a therapist? If you are in the USA you have access to EAP through most jobs, which is free confidential counseling. Talking in person to someone who is your advocate can be very helpful when you're getting gaslighted.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

allwillbewell said:


> Hopeful, I agree with all the suggestions given so far. Expose to OW's husband with all your proofs; perhaps there is a way to do it anonymously...let him pressure her to admit the truth if your husband won't...once she cracks, the gig is up...
> 
> I understand where you are coming from as far as being the bad guy...I waited 6 years for my husband to ask for a divorce ...that is how bad our marriage was...never once did I suspect he was having an affair; I trusted him totally and while I knew our marriage was a wreck, did not want to be the bad guy, the quitter...I felt his character was such that he would never be so dishonorable as to have an affair...how wrong I was!
> 
> ...


Thank you for writing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I spoke with a counselor yesterday. It was very helpful. I appreciate all the responses. This is exactly what's happening. I am getting blamed for everything and when I bring up my suspicions I am blasted for not focusing on our marriage, only the suspected "other woman." He appears so sincere that it's easy to get sucked in. He's sincere about being worried about us. What I'm not hearing from him at all is that he loves me and wants to be with me. I haven't heard I love you for a very long time now that I think of it.


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