# If my ex wife had followed this...



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I wouldn't be divorced.

7 Ways to Adore Your Husband | iMOM

I was cleaning out some boxes full of paper and came across a printout of this article... I guess my ex must have printed it out in the final months. Its funny, she did pretty much the opposite of everything on this list. My biggest complaints were being low priority, undesired and often criticized.

<rant>



> For example, one husband I know told his wife about an upcoming business trip he had in New England. He was excited to take her because he knew how much she loved that area. But, instead of zeroing in on her husband’s intent, she started thinking of things they could do if they brought the kids on the trip. He later told her he was crushed.


This happened to me every other week. Literally any time I came up with something special just for us.



> Adore Him As a Sex Object. If you don’t adore him in this area, who will?


Someone else.



> Even if he’s not 100 percent adorable, accept him as he is and adore him.


The endless nagging criticism of my relatively few vices - smoking, staying up late, and sleeping in. Nagging... Every. Single. Day. Yet, on occassions when I tried to quit, not a single comment. A week without smoking? Nothing. When I started hitting the gym again and I'm obviously looking better, instead of "You're looking good! All that work is paying off", I got "why are you going to the gym all the time? who are you trying to impress?"

Bonus criticism of pretty much any activity I enjoyed that wasn't a family activity. 

From getting my masters, to getting promotions to racing success to softball championships and even building a playground and sandbox - she literally could not say "good job" or "I'm proud of you." The closest thing was the playground and it was "I think it cost us more to build it ourselves than it would have been to just buy one, but the kids absolutely love it". When the end of the marriage was in sight and we were in counseling, she realized that most of what she would say to me was critical and she was very short on praise. After that, she started awkwardly doling out praise for every little thing... and it was just the most plastic, forced thing I can imagine hearing.

I'm extremely achievement oriented and rightly or wrongly, the praise and image I project as a result of doing well is valuable to me. I like when others are impressed with what I've done... sue me. Over the years, I got the impression that my ex withheld praise for that very reason: I was seeking it. As if I was bragging and it was her job to not reward me.

So it didn't matter what I did, there was no impressing her.

</rant>


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## Sunshine Cadillac (Apr 30, 2013)

She didnt deserve you


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Looking back on another thread, I think it can be hard for some SAHMs to leave their work when they are interacting with their husband. They stay in that "mother mode" if you will because they remain in their job environment. Certainly understandable, but something I had not really thought of before.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

You know what's really crazy? My desire to quit smoking would build up and I'd be at the end of a pack of cigs one day and thinking... "hmm... I'm not gonna go buy another pack. I'm done with this." 

We commuted together, so I would pick her up from work. The end of my workday would come, I'd smoke the last of the pack.
Normally I'd go pick up a pack of cigarettes before picking her up if I had run out. Having no cigarettes left and being motivated to quit I'd go pick her up and she'd get in the truck and the very first thing she'd say would be "ugh... did you just smoke? It stinks in here. So much for quitting."

So there I was, at the peak of desire to quit, and she would say something like that and all of that desire to quit evaporates and I'd stop and buy a pack on the way home purely out of spite. It makes no sense, but it was almost like my smoking was made a contest. I wanted to quit on my own, but when she attacked, I'd automatically resist.

Rephrase, rinse and repeat.

I even told her that negative reinforcement will only make me do the exact opposite. Its just the way I am. Now she's gone and I haven't smoked in months and months.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8, what a b!tch you married. O M G

You saved yourself. Good for you.


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## jadedkidd (Apr 30, 2013)

You said she was giving you praise in the end but yet it wasn't enough , you said it seemed so plastic so if it had been more genuine would that have made a difference ? I am just curious.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

jadedkidd said:


> You said she was giving you praise in the end but yet it wasn't enough , you said it seemed so plastic so if it had been more genuine would that have made a difference ? I am just curious.


I don't know. Honestly, by that time maybe it was just me. Resentment killed my feelings for her off long before and I was still around for the sake of not having failed - to avoid shocking everyone I knew and protecting the illusion that I always have everything together.

When she started tossing out the plastic compliments you'd have thought she just didn't know how to compliment someone. It kinda reminded me of Sheldon from BBT.

Her intentions were good, but you could just see through what she would say. It was awkward. I don't blame her, her compliments were as believeable as my compliments to her had become - things you say because you're supposed to, rather than because you feel them.

Its still weird to me that she only started trying after I spilled the beans about the affairs I had that final year. Apparently talking isn't enough to warrant change... but affairs or divorce threats cut through the noise. But then, how could she give honest praise to someone who cheated on her? How could I give a genuine compliment to someone I held so much resentment toward?

So I'm not sure anything would have made a difference by that point.


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## jadedkidd (Apr 30, 2013)

I was asking because my husband and I our having problems. No affairs and he says a divorce won't make him happy and he still loves me. But divorce was discussed because things have gotten bad. One of his complaints was that he doesn't feel appreciated , the things Is I really do appreciate him and I am trying really hard to show him in a genuine way. So thats kinda what sparked my question, I mean he stated that no matter what ever happened I will always be the love of his life, so to me that seems like there is a lot of hope.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Yeah, you're no where near as far down that road as we were. I gave my ex the same sort of "unappreciated" and "neglected" complaints here and there for several years - we never mentioned divorce however. At best, she'd make a conscious effort for about a week or two and then it was business as usual.... lost in the kids... husband forgotten.

I'm not even the emo needy type. I simply want to know that the person I'm with wants to do/share things with me alone - that my place is special; someone who is proud of the things I do; who desires me as much as I desire them; and tells me more of what they like about me than what they don't like.

I want to be important. I don't think that's too much to ask.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

I think when we are in a failing relationship we talk but often the other person does not hear. I remember the cut and dry converstion I had with my husband about divorce, when I gave him my reasons he said I never told him any of it before. I had told him a thousand times in a thousand ways, he didn't hear me. 

I don't think this makes him a bad person, he was just stuck had tunnel vision and was unable to see that his vision didn't include everyone in the family. We all make mistakes some are more costly than others.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I want to be important. I don't think that's too much to ask.


:iagree:

That's the bottom line. Even in my case which is completely different than yours. I could not live any longer with someone that did not consider the impact of their actions or words on me (and our kids). After a few years it becomes inexuseable and thats why when faced with divorce there is often no going back. You just cannot get past all the years when you were not important.


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## jadedkidd (Apr 30, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Yeah, you're no where near as far down that road as we were.


 It relieves me to hear you say that not that I'm glad for your divorce but I'm glad mine has hope. That's it one of our biggest problems is when we do tell each other problems it is usually after a big fight so his complaints fall on deaf ears as do mine. That is what we are trying to work on and the things is we both feel we are trying but not being appreciated so it appears to me we need to open our eyes and ears more.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I even told her that negative reinforcement will only make me do the exact opposite. Its just the way I am. Now she's gone and I haven't smoked in months and months.


A very real reminder that we as humans are all to often irrational and our own worst enemy.


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## jadedkidd (Apr 30, 2013)

You hit the nail on the head with that we are our own worst enemies.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

jadedkidd said:


> One of his complaints was that he doesn't feel appreciated , the things Is I really do appreciate him and I am trying really hard to show him in a genuine way. /QUOTE]
> 
> He's expressing the totality of his situation. You can lavish praise on him all you want but if you then disrespect him in some way you undo all of that praise. ALL of it.


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## jadedkidd (Apr 30, 2013)

He's expressing the totality of his situation. You can lavish praise on him all you want but if you then disrespect him in some way you undo all of that praise. ALL of it.[/QUOTE]

Thats what I am working on thats why I said Im trying to be genuine show him I love him and show him I mean it by not undoing what I just did. Its hard though because right now I feel very insecure.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

jadedkidd said:


> Thats what I am working on thats why I said Im trying to be genuine show him I love him and show him I mean it by not undoing what I just did. Its hard though because right now I feel very insecure.


In my own case my wife decided to become super mom to our kids and decided that I was just a supporting character. She thanked me for everything I did but that wasn't nearly enough. Who wants to be a third class citizen in their own home?

That's what I mean by the totality of the situation. A wife's highest priority should be her husband and vice-versa. You can praise all you want, but if he feels that he's playing second fiddle, it won't help much.


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## jadedkidd (Apr 30, 2013)

Exactly, and that is what I am doing. I am putting him first i realized i hadn't been it had been the kids need this and the kids need that, I wasn't taking time for me or him. So now its things are changing i just feel like he is waiting for the bottom to fall out again. He says things are okay right now and its disheartening to me because its like he is waiting on it to go wrong again.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ah ... I know this story, and how it ends.

Five years later my ex told me that she always loved and appreciated me. 

Told her what she 'feels' doesn't mean a hill of beans if it doesn't translate to how her partner feels.

My ex-wife had to do precious little to keep me engaged, happy, and loving.

Why people choose to empower and feed a dynamic that breaks a relationship down, rather than building it up, will never ever make sense to me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I wouldn't be divorced.
> 
> 7 Ways to Adore Your Husband | iMOM


That is a great article :smthumbup:...I so agree THIS is how it SHOULD be in every marriage... also for the husband to lavish on his wife...Adore, encourage and Validate >>http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html......being their #1 fan, their helpmate..... Some may think it's too much to lay that on them all the time... I say NOT... the little things go a long long way.. 

*My personal thoughts on these...in relation to our Marriage*...



> *1. **Adore Him As Is. *My husband has some things I would change, but this doesn't define him.. I still adore & praise the Good... which is unending.
> 
> *2.* *Adore Him For What He Accomplishes*. ...and for what our men Bring to our lives... *Gratitude* goes a long long way in our hearts. Express it .
> 
> ...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Dvls...what would you have done differently, if you could have, knowing what you know now?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Something my husband and I learned from 5LL is that our intentions are irrelevant. Intentions are only shown and proven through actions, and until our actions align with our intentions, our spouse will never know or see what we really feel. My husband and I have struggled with this off and on. His most important emotional needs aren't the same as mine, and it takes actively remembering his needs to really show him that I respect him. That he's important. 

Same with him. My needs aren't natural for him, and he's so tired when he gets home that his instinct is to relax. Being affectionate and showing me admiration and communicating how he feels after work aren't exactly relaxing things. So it takes him actively remembering to meet my needs for me to feel his love. To feel and believe that I matter to him. 

Disrespect isn't always obvious. Ignoring our spouses emotional needs is one of the most extreme forms of disrespect, imo.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Disrespect isn't always obvious. Ignoring our spouses emotional needs is one of the most extreme forms of disrespect, imo.


:iagree:

I'll go one further, it's not just disrespectful, it's damn selfish too. Withholding is very selfish. You are not the sum total of your relationship. Taking but not giving is wrong.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Dvls...what would you have done differently, if you could have, knowing what you know now?


Very difficult question. I was madly in love with my wife and I thought I made myself into a brag worthy husband. There was no shortage of affection, we did most things together and were best friends. I maintained my independent identity and solo interests; I was ambitious and successful; I was spontaneous day to day but within the parameters of our shared long term vision. I handled about 40% of the chores; managed the money; and took care of all the big things that came up with her input.

Neither of us ever wanted children when we got married. She actually said she wouldn't want to have to share my time lol. After about 5 years she changed her mind about it and began a long campaign of trying to convince me how great it would be... some of which I now view as downright manipulative. I didn't want children, but decided I would manage and tried to amp myself up to the task of being a father. That she really needed this... I could say no and she'd secretly be unhappy but I don't think she would have left me; or I could sacrifice. I sacrificed and tried to keep a positive attitude about it. I kept records of all the "firsts"; shot and edited all of these cute home videos. Basically took over all of household chores for awhile since she was breast feeding and getting up all hours of the night. I always stayed home with our first when she was sick, because my ex had no more sick leave and I wanted her to keep her vacation time for vacation.

In the lead up to my affairs, I don't think I did anything wrong... but even if they never happened, I think the marriage was doomed. She didn't "hear" me anymore. Her whole world became the kids, and in the early years when I was really amping up to participate in things... its like I wasn't even there. She stopped doing anything for herself other than the occassional haircut - any new clothes she had were hand-me-downs from her sister. No more manicures; no cute outfits, hats, or jewelry unless I bought it for her. She stopped spending time with friends, save one or two that lived far away and she spoke to online once in awhile. She literally had no interest in any of the things we did before having kids. The kids had to have the best of everything. The best daycare in town since she worked ($1300 /mo). She didn't trust anyone with the kids - not even her own parents initially. Definitely not my mother. I voiced my concerns... first softly and dropping hints. Then more directly... and then by just making plans. 

I arranged for us to have a beach vacation one year, with my mother-in-law coming up to babysit, and she flat out rejected it saying she didn't want to be away so long. She said she only wanted to do the weekend. I was so put off by the discussion I just cancelled everything and said we'll just save the money. At first she wouldn't even let anyone babysit, not even my sister who worked at a daycare. Eventually she conceded, but only to sitters from this one particular service that charged outrageous rates. For awhile we were paying sitters as she made an hour, just to sit and watch tv all night because my ex insisted my daughter was in bed before the sitter arrived. While we were out she'd regularly text the sitter! I'd take her out with other couples and you could just tell she didn't want to be there... and all she talked about were kids related things. I can't count how many times I told her the whole point was to let go of being a mom for a little while.

At home, I was treated sort of like the 3rd child after awhile. Constantly checking up that I had done this or that, nagging, reminding me of every little thing as if I weren't capable of handling anything. It drove me insane. She'd say she wants me to do more with the kids, but when I did, she'd complain about what I did because it wasn't what she did. lol I got the wrong food when I went shopping, I dressed them in the wrong clothes, I didn't put a diaper on the right way - it was literally endless. I complained... and more and more I noticed that I was always complaining! And I hate complaining! So I just stopped. All of it. The kids were her world and I left it to her.

She doted more and more on them, and after a long long time I stopped bothering to try to get her away from them and alone with me. For a couple years, I saw my ex only during family activities she scheduled, our commute, dinner and maybe an hour on the couch each night before she went to bed at 8 or 9pm.

More and more I just didn't want to be home... but divorce still never crossed my mind. It was on one particular motorcycle ride, just getting away to myself, that I met the girl who would become my first affair. Until meeting her, I don't think I even realized just how unhappy I was. I was just going through the motions. I was shut down and disconnected... and just putting on the face I was supposed to have come family time. Its sad, but affair after affair was all about someone thinking I was awesome and wanting to be with me... and then addiction to the feeling of seducing someone. Honestly, I don't even know what I was thinking by that time. Nothing mattered... I couldn't fix the problem so I mentally split... there were two of me - the perfect plastic hubby at home and the carefree crazy guy away. So I guess you could say I freaked out.

Obviously I shouldn't have had the affairs. I really don't know what I could've done differently though other than to leave sooner... or never have agreed to have children. I wish I had a good answer to that one.


I've always held the belief that you should date everyone that is important to you. That means setting aside time to do things alone with them... just them. I "date" my friends if they're important to me. I regularly go out with one close friend just to hang out and keep that connection fresh. I "dated" my children even when I was married. My ex hated it and prefered doing everything as a family. I believe you connect with someone better one on one and that my daughter is going to really cherish those daddy/daughter days... when it was just us hanging out for a couple hours and running wild through toys r us, getting ice cream or going to the dinosaur museum.

The only person important to me that I couldn't date was my wife (and now I'm sad... I think I'm out for the day... ya'll have fun).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm sorry it made you sad to write all of that out, Dvls...it makes me sad, too. Divorce is always sad. Thank you for sharing....


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I like the concept of "dating" those who are important to us. It's something I've been trying to do with my husband, and get him to do with me more often. The marriages that I've seen that are still intact and relatively happy are the ones where both spouses date each other. 

I think your daughter definitely will cherish those moments with you, as will your friends. You clearly care about them and make the effort to show it, something that I've found is rare these days.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

> *1. Adore Him As Is.* Don’t wait to adore him until he’s nicer, makes more money or is more affectionate with you. The key is to love him as he is right now. Even if he’s not 100 percent adorable, accept him as he is and adore him.


This is a wonderful reminder. Although my husband's most important needs don't include Admiration, I know that he appreciates hearing the things I like about him, the things he does that I think are awesome, etc. They say it takes one positive word to negate ten negative words. I tend to focus on the negative, and I don't want him to think my impression of him is a negative one. His job is really mentally and emotionally challenging, and I know he gets beaten down sometimes. So lately I've been trying to build him up with positive words. 

As a result, the last two days he has been really happy. And he hasn't had good days at work, so I'll be making this a permanent practice,



> *2. Adore Him For What He Accomplishes.* Sure, you may love and appreciate your husband, but he won’t know unless you tell him. So tell him in specifics: It’s amazing the way you handle all of your responsibilities. How do you do it? You really are such a great dad, our kids just love you. You did an awesome job fixing the garage door. I didn’t even know you knew how to do that.


I've done this in our marriage, and it always makes him smile. I think it helps him to know that he's not only appreciated, but needed. Special. So when he builds something, or gets something important done at work, or fixes something on the car, or comes up with solutions to difficult situations, I've always said something about how impressed I am, how much I appreciate his work, etc. I know he likes that. 



> *3. Adore Him As a Sex Object.* If you don’t adore him in this area, who will? This is something only the two of you share. Compliment him. You don’t have to wait until you’re in bed together, whisper a compliment at breakfast or just as an aside: “I was thinking about last night and how great…” You get the idea.


This one we have mastered. lol. And I absolutely agree that it is vitally important to the strength of the marriage. 



> *4. Adore Him By Listening.* The next time you’re around a husband and wife, listen. Does she finish his sentences? Does she interrupt him while he’s telling a story? Does she give him order after order before he can even get a word in? Men process communication differently. It usually takes them more time to formulate their thoughts and get them out. When they do, they take more pauses and speak more slowly. So adore him by listening to him instead of interrupting.


Oh my word, I had a friend who did this to her husband. She was going to help my husband and I with our wedding, and he inserted a piece of advice after I asked them both a question; she looked at him and said, "Hush" while making a mouth closing gesture wit her hand. I was rather astonished and incredibly uncomfortable after that, and didn't end up involving her with the wedding at all. I couldn't believe how blatantly disrespectful she was being. I've tried my hardest not to be this way with my man, though I do sometimes interrupt when I shouldn't. I apologize and ask him to continue saying what he was when I realize what I did. I'm still working on this one.



> *5. Adore Him By Putting Him First.* When your kids need you, they need you. You can’t tell your 3 year old to wait while you give your husband a back massage. But, you can make the effort to let your husband knows he’s still a priority. For example, one husband I know told his wife about an upcoming business trip he had in New England. He was excited to take her because he knew how much she loved that area. But, instead of zeroing in on her husband’s intent, she started thinking of things they could do if they brought the kids on the trip. He later told her he was crushed.


I really hope that when this baby comes, I remember to keep him as a priority. I hope that since I've thought about it beforehand, it won't be much of an issue afterward. But I know that I'll still make mistakes, so I hope that no matter what, I keep this in the forefront of my mind.



> *6. Adore Him By Not Giving Advice.* When your husband opens up to you about challenges he’s having with his business, with his co-workers, or with anything else, try not to jump in and give momish advice. You know how we moms do; we jump in with a solution just to help. Unfortunately, what you intend as advice, he hears as “she doesn’t think I can handle it."


I already don't give advice unless he asks for it. He's much better at problem solving than I am, and he doesn't like talking about his bad days as it is; the last thing he needs is me jumping in with my opinions. If I did that, I'd probably never get him to open up again, and I value his honesty much more than my opinions.



> *7. Adore Him So Others Can See It and Hear It.* A compliment given at home is one thing; a compliment given in front of others is magnified big time. So the next time you’re out with your husband with friends or family, or even when you’re at the hardware store together, let him hear you complimenting him to others. He’ll try even harder to live up to your adoration of him.


This is kind of a difficult one for me. I've been openly admiring and loving to him in front of others before. It's something I like from him too, but he's never - and I mean never - made an effort to do the same for me. So I stopped doing it for him. I found every time I did it and he didn't return it, I'd feel resentful. So I stopped, and the resentment went away. 

He's never voiced any dissatisfaction. Frankly, I'm not sure he even noticed. lol. But it's a good reminder nonetheless.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I respect your candor, Dvls. I remember when you first came here posting about your situation. However, I'm not up-to-date on the situation as of today.

Did your wife start dating again, or is she only focused on the kids? Just wonder what became of her ...


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## dream_weaver (Jun 5, 2012)

My ex was a gambler therefore a liar and thief, I found it very hard to praise him as I did not trust or respect him....my new partner I find it natural to praise him and I love having a man I can be proud of. His XW criticised, nagged, controlled and put him down regularly including telling him he was'nt a 'man'.

I feel so blessed to have found him and regularly tell him, I adore him with my words and actions....you need to follow up any words with actions. 

When my partner is home from being away for work I organise a babysitter so we can have a night alone, this shows him I make him/us a priority.

I make a point during the day to txt him and tell him how much he's loved/missed. When he's home I always let him know how much I appreciate him doing things for me such as cooking/cleaning etc as my XH thought it was my 'job' so I do genuinely appreciate having someone to share the load.

I genuinely love listening to him as I love his sense of humour, his experiences and how he tells his stories....I let him make decisions alot as my XH left nearly every decision up to me so it's nice to have someone to trust and depend on to make decisions on my behalf and know he's got my best interest's at heart.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm sorry it made you sad to write all of that out, Dvls...it makes me sad, too. Divorce is always sad. Thank you for sharing....


No worries. Its probably theraputic. Feeling sad is a lot better than feeling nothing at all... and it doesn't last anywhere near as long.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Great points...I know alot of people do not like Dr. Laura but I think her book on how to treat your husband should be mandatory reading for a lot of women. It brings up some similar points...

I think alot of women become mothers and it is like that is all they are...they can't have sex because OMG I am a mother now.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You have come a loooooong way Dvls. And your story can help so many people who are where you've been. Thanks for sharing.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I respect your candor, Dvls. I remember when you first came here posting about your situation. However, I'm not up-to-date on the situation as of today.
> 
> Did your wife start dating again, or is she only focused on the kids? Just wonder what became of her ...


If I'm not careful I might start giving folks the impression that I have a heart. How could I ever recover from that?  

She's been on dates. I don't really know how serious. We don't talk about each others private lives except for common friends... "I saw so and so the other day..."

She moved closer to her parents a few hours away now. There's no hostility at all. We're sort of friend-ish. We've taken the kids to the playplace together, had the kids birthdays together etc... talk about most things but we don't discuss dating life. Its honestly pretty much the same as half our marriage but living apart. I'm not sure if that says its a good friendship or that it was a bad marriage.

Kinda bizzare I guess. I always thought divorced couples hated each other.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I'm not careful I might start giving folks the impression that I have a heart. How could I ever recover from that?


 I think it would be good for you, lay into it.



> *highwood said*:
> Great points...*I know alot of people do not like Dr. Laura but I think her book on how to treat your husband should be mandatory reading for a lot of women*. It brings up some similar points...
> 
> I think alot of women become mothers and it is like that is all they are...they can't have sex because OMG I am a mother now.


I used to listen to her radio Program on occasion... got the biggest charge out of her feisty spirit, almost agreed with every word... The book you are referring to 

................................The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands: Laura Schlessinger:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I'm not careful I might start giving folks the impression that I have a heart. How could I ever recover from that?
> 
> She's been on dates. I don't really know how serious. We don't talk about each others private lives except for common friends... "I saw so and so the other day..."
> 
> ...


Dvls, I followed your initial post, PM'd you about it, and now I'm catching up on this update.

I think you and your X will always be good friends, just like before and during your marriage to her. But your marriage went bad after kids, unfortunately, and she chose to go full fledge "Mommy mode" instead of learning the balance of Mommy/Wife. With that said, continuing to be friends and share activities with the kids is very important to all of you, especially the children. Whether you wanted them or not, I know you love your kids.  And I know you have a heart! 

I know people that get along better after divorce and just simply raise their children together. They go on to new marriages and new children in those marriage, but still have that friendship/connection because of the children they share. It's a beautiful thing, and kids can actually thrive in those types of environments. Keep doing those things and keep being a friend to your kid's Mom.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

highwood said:


> Great points...I know alot of people do not like Dr. Laura but I think her book on how to treat your husband should be mandatory reading for a lot of women. It brings up some similar points...
> 
> I think alot of women become mothers and it is like that is all they are...they can't have sex because OMG I am a mother now.


I really don't understand this but I've experienced it and seen it on this forum several times now. My ex would say things like "My parents were this or that, and I want to make sure that my kids get what I didn't." (she had a totally normal healthy upbringing though; wealthy and drenched in attention by the standards of my childhood - so I don't get it)

Or she'd say "they need me, you don't". It took awhile to unravel everything after my affairs - obviously they become the elephant in the room, when really they were the sideshow. Asked why I had them, I told her that I felt alone for years until someone else came along and showed really aggressive interest. I forgot how nice it was to be special... and desired. Early on, she'd defend accusations of neglect by re-ordering the past, "well, you withdrew so I got my love from the kids." I said I didn't withdraw for years... I was working hard. I may have seemed like a normal father, but I really resented that all my efforts to be all-in in spite of not really wanting any of this, went totally unnoticed; I resented that there was no recognition that this was harder for me to take to, but I was doing it and doing pretty well I thought; All I ever heard was what I wasn't doing. And that on top of not knowing my wife anymore because she had no independent identity. 

It drove me crazy that she stopped thinking of herself entirely. I actually made her go to the mall once to buy a bunch of new clothes while I watched the kids. The mandate was that she could not come home until she had spent at least $400. It was supposed to be a nice special surprise... no special occassion... go take care of yourself. I also gave her a gift card for Victoria's Secret (hint hint right?). I was utterly sick of the hand-me-down crap she was wearing and how she wasn't even trying to look good anymore even though her body was rockin'. Even to work she wore the same tired business outfits. 

She came back from the mall with ONE shirt for herself, bags of kids clothes & shoes, and she used the gift card on lotion and bras.

After having kids, the sassy fun girlie girl I really enjoyed was just totally gone. I can't count the number of times I've been told by various people that I need to "grow up" for wanting that girl back. There's growing up and being responsible, and then there's becoming a whole other person. I don't know who the woman that replaced my wife was. We might have been friends, but I never would have married that woman.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it would be good for you, lay into it.


Let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'm solar powered and its been a rainy week. Caught me at a down moment. 

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think it would be good for you, lay into it.


SA, I personally think he's a hard shell on the outside, but all mushy and marshmallowy on the inside!  Sssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh don't tell him!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I really don't understand this but I've experienced it and seen it on this forum several times now. My ex would say things like "My parents were this or that, and I want to make sure that my kids get what I didn't." (she had a totally normal healthy upbringing though; wealthy and drenched in attention by the standards of my childhood - so I don't get it)
> 
> Or she'd say "they need me, you don't". It took awhile to unravel everything after my affairs - obviously they become the elephant in the room, when really they were the sideshow. Asked why I had them, I told her that I felt alone for years until someone else came along and showed really aggressive interest. I forgot how nice it was to be special... and desired. Early on, she'd defend accusations of neglect by re-ordering the past, "well, you withdrew so I got my love from the kids." I said I didn't withdraw for years... I was working hard. I may have seemed like a normal father, but I really resented that all my efforts to be all-in in spite of not really wanting any of this, went totally unnoticed; I resented that there was no recognition that this was harder for me to take to, but I was doing it and doing pretty well I thought; All I ever heard was what I wasn't doing. And that on top of not knowing my wife anymore because she had no independent identity.
> 
> ...


That is why Dr. Laura says treat your husband like he is your boyfriend and for guys treat your wife like she is your girlfriend.

Basically the premise is when you were dating you put effort into sex/into how you looked, etc. etc. Just because you have kids does not mean that the sex life has to vanish and you have to start looking like you could care less about your looks.

I think she has some good valid points...


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

My mom did similar things when my brother and I were born. She stopped dressing fashionably. She wore clothes she'd had for ten+ years. She wore makeup still, but she kept the same haircut, didn't wear anything special, didn't work out, she gained weight. My dad tried and tried to get the sexy woman he'd had back, but she fought him on it for years and years. 

He stuck with her, and now she's taken more of an interest in fashion, being healthy, being trendy, etc. He's more happy now, but I sometimes wonder if my childhood would have been different if she'd never let herself go in the first place.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

My worst fear as a woman, was always that my H would be embarrassed to be seen with me..you know these situations where the guy does not want to bring his wife to the office function because she has let herself go and he is kind of embarrassed.

I know people say it shouldn't matter that even if you gain a pile of weight that it should not matter to your spouse because they should love you for better or for worse but I do not necessarily believe that.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't buy that at all. Not one bit. If the weight is gained because of a medical issue that keeps them from being able to exercise, that's one thing. But straight up letting yourself go? In all ways, not just weight gain? That's neglecting yourself, imo, and not something that I'll put up with. It kills attraction. My husband and I both agreed when we married that we wouldn't let ourselves go.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

highwood said:


> My worst fear as a woman, was always that my H would be embarrassed to be seen with me..you know these situations where the guy does not want to bring his wife to the office function because she has let herself go and he is kind of embarrassed.
> 
> I know people say it shouldn't matter that even if you gain a pile of weight that it should not matter to your spouse because they should love you for better or for worse but I do not necessarily believe that.


This is something my mother taught me mattered very much. My mother always presented herself well. In social situations that involved my fathers friends or colleagues she took particular care with her appearance and attitude. She taught me that it was very important that in those situations you make your husband feel most proud of you as his wife. She never said anything about him being attracted to her but that it shows your love by letting him know that you care about him and what is important to him. 

I took her advice and always presented well from work functions to BBQ's with his friends. Of course I had times when my weight was up or down with kids etc. but thats no excuse for not taking care in your appearance and having a good attitude.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

highwood said:


> My worst fear as a woman, was always that my H would be embarrassed to be seen with me..you know these situations where the guy does not want to bring his wife to the office function because she has let herself go and he is kind of embarrassed.
> 
> I know people say it shouldn't matter that even if you gain a pile of weight that it should not matter to your spouse because they should love you for better or for worse but I do not necessarily believe that.


I was never embarrassed of her. Its hard to describe my feelings. These things she no longer did were HER things. Getting her nails done and buying unnecessary shoes and showing them too me like I really cared about shoes. I liked them because SHE liked them. All of these little things formed her identity. When she no longer had these quirks and interests, I had nothing left to play with... nothing to tease... nothing to talk about... and no idea of what gifts to get her or what she liked.

The only way I can describe it is that its like she stopped being a person. She still looked great and I wouldn't have cared if she gained a little weight. If she gained a lot I would have tried to get her to come to the gym with me.

It wasn't her looks that disappeared, it was her personality and affection. In all honesty, she was better looking or as good looking as most of my affair partners. They all had their unique quirks to appreciate and interests to attach to. The biggest difference though was that those partners all showed clearly that they wanted me - and my wife didn't.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you wish you would have just asked for a divorce and not had the affairs?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I was never embarrassed of her. Its hard to describe my feelings. These things she no longer did were HER things. Getting her nails done and buying unnecessary shoes and showing them too me like I really cared about shoes. I liked them because SHE liked them. All of these little things formed her identity. When she no longer had these quirks and interests, I had nothing left to play with... nothing to tease... nothing to talk about... and no idea of what gifts to get her or what she liked.
> 
> The only way I can describe it is that its like she stopped being a person. She still looked great and I wouldn't have cared if she gained a little weight. If she gained a lot I would have tried to get her to come to the gym with me.
> 
> It wasn't her looks that disappeared, it was her personality and affection. In all honesty, she was better looking or as good looking as most of my affair partners. They all had their unique quirks to appreciate and interests to attach to. The biggest difference though was that those partners all showed clearly that they wanted me - and my wife didn't.


True enough...I remember on OPrah years ago they had a show about infidelity and this guy said that men do not have affairs because the woman is better looking, etc. but instead about how she makes them feel.

I read an article once about a woman who found out her husband was cheating and she was shocked because she thought, like her, that he was okay with being in a passionless/complacent marriage for years....she realized that just because she was content in that kind of a marraige that he was not. Huge eye opener for her....

I think that happens alot where one partner is like who cares if we are not having sex I am okay with it so they just assume that the other person is too.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> I think that happens alot where one partner is like who cares if we are not having sex I am okay with it so they just assume that the other person is too.


I think this is a huge problem for most people in most things, not just sex. We tend to default to the idea that people think like we do, and then act accordingly. When you think about it, that is silly, but when we go to auto-pilot (and many tasks are done this way), we don't think about it.


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## MeditMike80 (Dec 29, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I wouldn't be divorced.
> 
> 7 Ways to Adore Your Husband | iMOM
> 
> ...


Thanks for posting this! My wife and I are working on overcoming some large hurdles in our marriage and so far so good, but I'm going to give this to her to read. It doesn't take much to make me happy and these seven items are small and not difficult to do.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

My first affair was definitely the result of how she made me feel. But it was also easy to like her and difficult to like my wife. This girl had a million quirks and interests to attach to. My ex was all mom and all business... with little personality to appreciate. Subsequent affairs were the result of my taking control of that need and getting it met on my terms as I saw fit. No victim here. I was the predator, and while id pick up anyone hot, for the most part I maintained things with good looking girls in bad situations or for whom id be a big fish. I'd seduce and impress, keep everything on my terms, shower them with fun and adventure and just keep them in orbit wanting more. I was totally numb. Of course, any of them could have ditched me at any time. I wasn't mean, but I made no bones about the fact nothing was serious. I soaked up the attention, and doled out experiences a broke 21 year old generally doesn't get. And bizzarely, I helped them with college things, occasional bills and what not. Its all very weird.

FW, during the affairs I was cake eating. I had comfort at home and a cooperative friend, and away I had women who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread... good looking, successful and crazy fun. I might have gone on this way for a long time if I hadn't fallen for the last one. My ex seemingly didn't want me, I didnt want a divorce and coulsnt fix the situation, so I had no issues with finding women that did want me. I was pretty convinced something like marriage counseling was just a way of easing into divorce. Mostly I didn't want divorce over the perception that I failed at something... protecting the illusion of the perfect life. I'm sure you think that's retarded but there it is.

If I had to do it over again, yeah, I would have just left before the affairs and saved myself some time.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Dvls,

I suspect your love language is verbal affirmation. Like you, I married a person who is not used to give this kind of love. He sees flaws easier than the good things and he has no prob highlighting it. I felt like a failure, everything I do is not good enough. He had trouble giving compliments because he wasn't brought up in a family that compliments much. 

Your ex gave you praises, although seemed fake.. The fact that she did is already an evidence that she cared for you. It is not the result but it is the effort that counted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Just read the link and found myself agreeing with all of it. It all comes naturally to me and it feels good. Maybe some people are just like this and others aren't.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

yours4ever said:


> Dvls,
> 
> I suspect your love language is verbal affirmation. Like you, I married a person who is not used to give this kind of love. He sees flaws easier than the good things and he has no prob highlighting it. I felt like a failure, everything I do is not good enough. He had trouble giving compliments because he wasn't brought up in a family that compliments much.
> 
> ...


And I recognized that. I know she tried once everything blew up. Unfortunately the emotional ship had sailed. I had too much resentment built up, too many things about her that I didn't like, and we had developed very different wants. In the end, I had so many negative feelings built up toward her that built a tower to feeling nothing. I could rationally see she was trying, I could rationally see that she's a beautiful woman. But I couldn't *feel* it for her anymore. I wasn't even physically attracted to her anymore. I didn't crave her, I didn't feel like being affectionate, and I didn't want to touch her. Its hard to explain really.. but there were just no intimate feelings there anymore.

We went to counseling, we tried faking everything hoping it would restart us... but it didn't. My feelings for her weren't coming back. Instead, I saw manipulation in everything she did even thought it wasn't really there... I saw fraud everywhere when it was really honest attempt. I saw everything through tinted glasses... and I can *know* it all day... but I couldn't change the way I felt.


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## OverTheShoulder (May 1, 2013)

I can't believe how much it sounds like my wife. I give her praises, and even try and be playful for her under acheivements, but still good attempts.

But when I completed something, it was met with....critisism or, like you put it, plastic responses.

I got a B in class. *Should have been an A.*
I got my bachelors. *Okay*
I got a better job. *It's at night.*
I got a better, better, job. *It's only a temporary assignment.*
I got a better, better, better job. *Good job! (She was taken back when she found out I was paid 3x that she was being paid. Demoriled her it seems)*
I finished writing my book. *How much time did it take? How much money did you spend? Are you going to get it back?*

Things like that. Even small things are not acknowledged or nagged on for not being perfect. A person can only take so much...

I will share this with her, but I am sure it will cause an arguement


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## tapanga (Apr 7, 2012)

Dvls is still married. He never got divorced. He cheats on his wife all the time. He is not single. Just thought yall should know he's just a cheating husband acting out a fantasy that he got a divorce because he's too much of a coward to actually do it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tapanga said:


> Dvls is still married. He never got divorced. He cheats on his wife all the time. He is not single. Just thought yall should know he's just a cheating husband acting out a fantasy that he got a divorce because he's too much of a coward to actually do it.


horrible if true

but a quick post by a one time anonymous poster simply isn't proof of anything

what can you back up this statement with?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hmmmm...AR ~ true a one time poster, however a one time poster who's been here for over a year.

What say you Tapanga? What's the skinny of your claim?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

tapanga said:


> Dvls is still married. He never got divorced. He cheats on his wife all the time. He is not single. Just thought yall should know he's just a cheating husband acting out a fantasy that he got a divorce because he's too much of a coward to actually do it.




:wtf:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your "other' screen name wouldn't be Itookhimforgranted, would it?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Even if his divorce isn't final or something, I am sure he has been separated for all this time and everything else he is saying is true.

Besides...he has already confessed to cheating on his wife when they were married.

Who cares? Or rather, why do you want us to care? He has his story to tell, just like the rest of us.

.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Even if his divorce isn't final or something, I am sure he has been separated for all this time and everything else he is saying is true.
> 
> Besides...he has already confessed to cheating on his wife when they were married.
> 
> ...


I guess, technically if it _were_ true then it'd blow his story up. In other words it'd make him a cake eater who's lying with no remorse and claiming to be with someone new while actually being married.

I'm just playing Devil's Advocate, mind you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah but what it sounds like the "person" is saying is that his divorce isn't final. I don't see how that is relevant if they have been separated and living as single people for a couple of years now.

If he is literally still living at home and his wife doesn't know he is going out and screwing other women every night still....well, I just doubt that is the case.

.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Stranger things *have* happened on the interwebs!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Or...maybe he's just another TROLL.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That would be an Epic Troll.

Even other trolls would be all like, "now that's an Epic Troll".

.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> That would be an Epic Troll.
> 
> Even other trolls would be all like, "now that's an Epic Troll".
> 
> .


Again, stranger things *have* happened.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

*gasp* Is there an actual soap opera playing out on TAM?! 

*grabs popcorn and waits*


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

lol, I asked this girl last april if she was tapanga on this forum... I guess my hunch was right. She had previously mentioned the same name from some old tv show. Then someone with that name started PMing me out of the blue.

This is the girl I fell for, lied about being married, and dated for several months before she found out. I left my wife, lived with her for a few months, but things were never the same. I left her when other guys started entering in the picture, and I went back to my wife. My wife and I went to counseling to work things out to no avail.

Odd that she'd show up again so long after we broke up.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

A troll!

Please say it ain't so!

:scratchhead:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

She should be reported for trying to stir up trouble then if what you're saying is the real story and she's lying. 

I suppose lesson learned would be don't bang chicks when you're married still...they can go bunny boiler on you and stalk you on marriage forums.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8, I'm truly sorry your wife was a bad wife to you. But having multiple affairs on her?! Of course the other women were more fun and carefree and relaxed instead of "all mom" and "all business." They didn't have to deal with the balancing act of being a working woman, a wife, and an exhausted mom raising small children, did they? It's just not real; anyone can be fun and sexy and carefree in an affair. They don't have to deal with running a household, bills, socks left on the floor, kids, etc.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Laila8 said:


> DvlsAdvc8, I'm truly sorry your wife was a bad wife to you. But having multiple affairs on her?! Of course the other women were more fun and carefree and relaxed instead of "all mom" and "all business." They didn't have to deal with the balancing act of being a working woman, a wife, and an exhausted mom raising small children, did they? It's just not real; anyone can be fun and sexy and carefree in an affair. They don't have to deal with running a household, bills, socks left on the floor, kids, etc.


Well, it's called karma...what goes around, comes around...you reap what you sow. Whatever you want to call it. There are consequences to our actions, and when one person decides they no longer want to behave like a spouse by ignoring their husband's/wife's emotional needs, it opens that husband/wife to temptation. And for anyone who is being neglected like that, anyone who shows even the slightest interest is going to automatically appeal to the neglected spouse. 

That's not to justify an affair. Not at all. But it does help to explain and understand the spouse who cheated and why they did. Because, while affairs aren't ever justified, nor is neglecting one's spouse. It's not acceptable. I don't care if they can't see the floor due to dirty socks everywhere, I don't care if they have ten children; the spouse was there first, and they _must_ be remembered. Invested in. They're needs don't suddenly go away when kids arrive. Any man or woman who ignores their spouses emotional needs and expects them to pretend as if nothing is wrong is just plain stupid, imo.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Well, it's called karma...what goes around, comes around...you reap what you sow. Whatever you want to call it. There are consequences to our actions, and when one person decides they no longer want to behave like a spouse by ignoring their husband's/wife's emotional needs, it opens that husband/wife to temptation. And for anyone who is being neglected like that, anyone who shows even the slightest interest is going to automatically appeal to the neglected spouse.
> 
> That's not to justify an affair. Not at all. But it does help to explain and understand the spouse who cheated and why they did. Because, while affairs aren't ever justified, nor is neglecting one's spouse. It's not acceptable. I don't care if they can't see the floor due to dirty socks everywhere, I don't care if they have ten children; the spouse was there first, and they _must_ be remembered. Invested in. They're needs don't suddenly go away when kids arrive. Any man or woman who ignores their spouses emotional needs and expects them to pretend as if nothing is wrong is just plain stupid, imo.


Karma? His wife didn't cheat on him. So she definitely didn't deserve that. What's really 'karma' is that one of his fun and carefree affair partners is now a crazy chick stalking him on a message board!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

But she neglected him, is my point. I'm not saying she deserved to be cheated on, or that he was right to do what he did, but it _is_ a consequence to ignoring her husband's needs. How many men and women have we seen here who are hurting over their spouses lack of interest in sex? How many of them have attested to the pain is causes them? How many of them have tried time and time again to communicate their needs, change their own behaviors in hope that it will rekindle the flame that had once existed between them, but to no avail? How many of them have expressed their bitterness at the neglect? How many other marriages have ended over this very thing?

Adultery never accomplishes anything positive. At least not long term. But nor does neglecting one's spouse. It is just as damaging as an affair.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Created2Write said:


> Adultery never accomplishes anything positive. At least not long term. But nor does neglecting one's spouse. It is just as damaging as an affair.


Yes, that's a given. She neglected her husband and it was wrong.

But when you used the word 'karma,' it sounded like you were implying that she got what was coming to her. If he had just left her, I would agree. But cheating is never okay, nor does anyone deserve that.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Laila8 said:


> Yes, that's a given. She neglected her husband and it was wrong.
> 
> But when you used the word 'karma,' it sounded like you were implying that she got what was coming to her. If he had just left her, I would agree. But cheating is never okay, nor does anyone deserve that.


For many it _isn't_ a given, though. Especially for those who are doing the neglecting, they often still expect their spouse to act as if everything is normal...as if everything is just fine. They, themselves, might actually believe that their marriage is fine and the other person is just being needy. They may not even see the issues. That's why I took issue with your post, because making light of her choices just because his led to adultery is equally as wrong as trying to justify having an affair. Because, remember, if the spouse wasn't neglected to begin with, the affair might not have happened.

And you're right. Cheating is never okay under any circumstances whatsoever. Neither is neglecting one's spouse. No one deserves to be neglected.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

Okay. Well I don't think I "made light of her choices."


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Yes, it was a mess. Its all been hashed out and flamed before. I did awful things. My ex did awful things. Tapanga did awful things.

Everyone has problems.


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## tapana_is_back (Jun 22, 2013)

So here i am again. I got flagged as a troll or something and my account blocked which I don't think was fair considering I wasn't asked for my side of the story. 
Yes I am the girl that Dvls talks about all the time that he cheated on his wife with. You know the one he always says has BPD and loves to publicily display my most person demons for the world to see. Yeah I'm that girl. Anyway I met Dvls on an online dating site over a year ago. I thought he was amazing. We talked on the phone for a couple weeks before we met and we had the most amazing first date. Anyways I thought I was in love with him yada yada yada and then one night I was checking up on him (yes I am the girl that researches the people she dates online) and lo and behold I found this site. And found out he was married. We had been dating about 4 months at this point and he had convinced me he was divorced. When I asked to come over to his house he cried (literally with tears) because he was so embarrassed that he lived in a horrible house with a room mate. But in reality it was because he lived with his wife and two kids. Anyway he left her. Moved in with me. Left me went back to her. Came back to me. I cheated on him because the trust was gone. The love bubble was burst! He found out. He left me again. Then he wanted to come back to me. Too late I was already hooked on the guy I cheated on him with. Anyways jumping to the present. Dvls is still married. Still lives with his wife. I have texts from his wife in my phone about how they are still married and live together. I tried to text her today about this whole thread and Dvls texted me that he had blocked me from contacting her through his ATT account because he controlled her phone. He still refers to her as his wife on facebook. She still calls him her husband on facebook. Hell her background timeline photo is their family picture right now. Dvls is still VERY much married. They are not seperated. There arent even divorce papers hidden in a drawer somewhere. All bow down to Dvls. TAM'S GREATEST TROLL!


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## tapana_is_back (Jun 22, 2013)

Facebook message I pulled from my inbox between me and Dvls






23:58




########




does your wife know that the picture she loves so much is from our day in the park and that i took it and picked out the whole outfit for you? tsk tsk

.

...

3 June







12:09



###########




I loves the outfit you picked... especially the shoes haha. Not sure if she knows you picked that stuff or not honestly. She knows you picked the cowboy hat. I told her I like it, I'm not getting rid of it and she better not, and that was that.




I hashed out our names Dvls for our privacy. Your welcome.


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

You spelled your name wrong when you re registered.


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## FeedbackLoop (Nov 16, 2012)

Dvls, I think you have a stalker. lol 

Someone pass me the popcorn.


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## tapana_is_back (Jun 22, 2013)

Trust me. Once uve dated dvls everytime he opens his mouth or sends a text u have to do ur research. Because most of it is bull. He's an exceptional liar. Example being this thread. U call it stalking I call it being able to call someone (who contacts u EVERY day) out on their lies.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I remember dvls first thread about cheating on his wife. He cheated multiple times with multiple women. The BPD girlfriend was discussed in detail. At the time I thought he didn't really have the remorse for his actions that he should. Many other members thought the same and he did get pretty beat up for it. He did end his thread saying the karma bus came around and his wife left him and so did his BPD girlfriend.

I don't know what is true at this point and nobody but Dvls, his wife and his BPD girlfriend know the truth. I do hope that what Dvls is posting is the truth for his own mental health. If he's been living in a fantasy world here on TAM then he has more problems than fooling us. I really do hope that she is a stalker but she seems to have a lot of truths based on his fist post about the situation, which I could no longer find on his profile.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

The whole thing is clearly a mess, no matter what the truth is. I feel bad for all involved, but mostly Dvls wife and kids.

.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

I have not seen TAM posters so enamored with a serial cheater, especially with so much evidence of general manipulative behavior. Like this:



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> You know what's really crazy? My desire to quit smoking would build up and I'd be at the end of a pack of cigs one day and thinking... "hmm... I'm not gonna go buy another pack. I'm done with this."
> 
> We commuted together, so I would pick her up from work. The end of my workday would come, I'd smoke the last of the pack.
> Normally I'd go pick up a pack of cigarettes before picking her up if I had run out. Having no cigarettes left and being motivated to quit I'd go pick her up and she'd get in the truck and the very first thing she'd say would be "ugh... did you just smoke? It stinks in here. So much for quitting."
> ...


A huge convoluted blame-shifting exercise: it is my wife's fault I didn't quit smoking because she complained about my smoking. 

This can't be understated in terms of probative value for manipulative behavior because it cannot be clearer whose responsibility it is that a person smokes. Blaming your wife for smoking speaks volumes on the veracity of blaming the wife for your affairs.

and golly, how differently the truth was from the portrayal of how they happened:



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> More and more I just didn't want to be home... but divorce still never crossed my mind. It was on one particular motorcycle ride, just getting away to myself, that I met the girl who would become my first affair. Until meeting her, I don't think I even realized just how unhappy I was. I was just going through the motions. I was shut down and disconnected... and just putting on the face I was supposed to have come family time. Its sad, but affair after affair was all about someone thinking I was awesome and wanting to be with me... and then addiction to the feeling of seducing someone. Honestly, I don't even know what I was thinking by that time. Nothing mattered... I couldn't fix the problem so I mentally split... there were two of me - the perfect plastic hubby at home and the carefree crazy guy away. So I guess you could say I freaked out.


Except the truth is he registered on a dating site, convinced a girl he was single, concealed that from her while dating, and she finally discovered he was married by herself.

Someone asked earlier in the thread what difference it makes whether he is married or not. Hard to believe someone can actually ask that question - what difference it makes whether someone lies or tells the truth! 

It is the difference between believing all of the other things said or not. 



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> When she started tossing out the plastic compliments you'd have thought she just didn't know how to compliment someone. It kinda reminded me of Sheldon from BBT.


My how interesting: identifies with TV sitcom characters for reference to personalities. I had to look up this character because I don't watch much TV and especially not sitcoms. 

In the "how much sex do you need" thread I was marveling at the incessant attack on people who had sex every day with their spouse. 

One of the inane comments was how people could possibly find the time to have daily sex with their spouse, to which I responded that most people have time for five hours of television per day so that kind of "question" is clearly rhetorical, not genuine. 

Our manipulative poster downplayed his own television viewing - of course not him, what with this amazing list of activities outside the home. Just when grabbing a bite to eat between MMA and Polar Bear hunting. This is something I have learned to look for, and it can't be excused by calling it a "mess". There is one person responsible for typing either truthful or non-truthful statements. 


On this forum I can't think of anything more important than the truth. Responsibility. Accountability. 

There are two children that are victims of who knows how much lying, cheating, and manipulative behavior here, and despite not wanting to have children they are a fact that needs to be the first priority.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

tapana_is_back said:


> ... most of it is bull. He's an exceptional liar. Example being this thread. U call it stalking I call it being able to call someone (who contacts u EVERY day) out on their lies.


Inquiring minds want to know; this inquiring mind in particular.

Maybe he's telling the truth. Maybe you're telling the truth.

My take on it is the truth lies somewhere in between.

I assume you are stating you are still seeing dvls or still having an affair with him, or ???

This is cyberspace, so anything goes. I've frequently read posts on here saying many of the threads on the Coping with Infidelity forum make great fiction. Who knows?

Bottom line, what is YOUR purpose for exposing your version of the truth? What do you hope to accomplish?


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