# please read.. wife cheated on me



## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

Im not very comfortable with this but am going to do it anyway in the hope that i get some relief by letting it all out. 

My wife and I have been married for 12 years..together for 14. We were young when we got married i was 23 and she was 21. We had no clue what we were doing.. no clue what marrige was..or what it was even supposed to be. Regaurdless of that we were in love and wanted to be together forever. they were good years, and although we loved each other very much, we still lived our seperate lives..had our own friends..and pretty much did whatever we wanted to whenever we wanted to do it.

Communication had broken down over the years...yes we were in love..but we didnt talk to each other about how we were feeling. We were fighting all the time..arguing over stupid stuff..and we drifted apart emotionally and physically.

back in time here a bit:
July 2009
i get served court documents from Ohio (which is where I am origionally from) seeking a paternity test involving my ex girlfriend (who was married to the man she cheated on me with) BLEH...:scratchhead:
anyway.. I go to the clinic where they have DNA test done, and it confirmed that i was the father of this 16 year old boy back in Ohio. So now what? I thought to myself..this boy knows the other man as his dad..hes a teenager.. do i really want to put the unecessary pressure on this teenage kid and drop a bomb on him.. after thinking over things awhile i consulted my father in law about how to handle it with my wife..his advice to me was to not tell her..(BAD IDEA PEOPLE>>>ALWAYS SHARE BAD THINGs WITH YOUR SPOUSE}
Reluctantly after a few days of self reflection i signed away my parental rights to the mother.

September 2010
things have become almost unbearable at home.. fighting is worse, and my wife decides that her only way to cope with things at home is to drink.. and drink heavily..she starts to disappear on weeknights and weekends.. 11 pm would become 12, which became 2 am.. turned into 4 am... WTF???

December 2010
i have noticed changes in my wife.. she is constantly on the phone..always being very careful about where she would leave her cell phone and whatnot..i guess I never fully put 2 and 2 together..

January 1, 2011
We have plans to hang out with our mutual friends for new years.. gonna have some fun with them playing games, doing a little drinking.. and dinner..typical evening.. i have the sitter lined up..ive already started pre evening drinking when she comes running into my office saying that she cant go out with me to our friends house because a girlfriend of hers needs her to stay with her or she wont be able to go have her evening of fun. I am thinking to myself "this was the night that we have been waiting for forever..to be together, having fun, with our friends..and your going to ditch me?" i told her to go.. I was pretty upset.. im probably a little over-emotional for a man..i dunno

When i return to work, i decide I am going to do a little detective work because i had noticed that her phone was never where she had been leaving it to charge, she was either hiding it from me or had lost it. curiosity killed the cat.. and I go online to my cell phone bill and I see this phone number over and over and over.. haloween.. thanksgiving.. christmas eve..christmas day.. multiple times a day.. sometimes 10-12 times a day.. i wanted to know who this person was..so i went to one of those deciphering websites where you can enter the phone number and you pay a fee..and they tell you who the number belongs too... my mouth hit the floor..my heart started to pound...rage overcame me...i began to scream and lose control.. I had to go outside at work.. and just vent.

i send her a text from work.. asking her about the phone number..and i get no response.. i ask her who it was.. i get no response other than she didnt know whos number it was... well come on people.. if you talked to someone 10-12 times a day.. you know who it is on the other end..i printed out the cell phone bill and confronted her with it..little did I know that I was about to unravel the biggest lie of my life.

We sit down and she begins pouring out to me details of her relationship with this man..says it was only an “emotional affair” because I was never there for her.. and he was. She never admitted to having sexual relations with him. We agreed that we would work on our relationship together.. I forgave her and we were going to move on together. 3 weeks later we are sitting in the basement together watching television and she is texting someone.. I didn’t pay any attention.. she got one back and I picked up her phone and the text I read said the following: “I got my period so we are good”
Well.. I hit the roof..anger overcame me.. and that’s when I found out how deep the rabbit hole went. She had been sexting this guy..alot.. and that they had several encounters with him.. but only had sexual relations in person with him once…which to this day I don’t believe..but what do you do. 

Its been 5 months since this happened.. and I am struggling with what to do with my future.. at first I was afraid for her to leave me.. I was in damage control mode trying to salvage our life…not worrying about my feelings or needs only hers. I changed my life completely.. having full communication..dropped 50 lbs…changed everything… 3 weeks ago on my birthday we went out with our mutual friends and we got separated downtown.. I pass out at a friends house..not sure how I got there..but when I woke up I knew where I was. I come home.. after my wife has left to go to breakfast for us.. and I get a phone call from a man I didn’t know.. looking for my wife. I said she isn’t here is there something I can help you with? His reply was no he was returning her phone call..and he hung up the phone. I ask her about it and she says she doesn’t know what I am talking about..well she knew something because why would this random guy call our house.. she then tells me that she was talking to him the night before and had his business card in her purse.. 

I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know if I can live with someone who lies to me constantly.. I do love her because she has been my best friend all of these years.. we have a wonderful son together…

How do you know when enough is enough?
Sorry its so long.. but this is the first time I have let it all out.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Read the letter you posted to us. You've just described a situation where "enough is enough". Your wife is lying to you and having relations behind your back. You either need to accept it as part of your relationship, or leave the relationship. I'm afraid I don't see where your wife is going to change.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Whirlewind810 said:


> I don’t know what to do.. I don’t know if I can live with someone who lies to me constantly.. I do love her because she has been my best friend all of these years.. we have a wonderful son together…
> 
> How do you know when enough is enough?
> Sorry its so long.. but this is the first time I have let it all out.


I believe that you carry a lot of guilt over not confessing to your wife about the OC you had 2 years before you met her. You may subconsciously feel that you deserve your wife's infidelity. Have you finally told her about the OC? If you haven't then you are equally duplicitous as she is. She must know.

As far as her affair is concerned, I also suspect that she is lying about having had only a ONS with the OM and nothing more afterwards. Your wife's out of control behavior - drinking, fighting, returning home in the early morning hours, etc - shows that her affair might have started earlier than you think.

*DO NOT put any pressure on yourself to continue with the marriage.* You do not need to file for divorce this very second but you do need to begin your emotional healing immediately which is separate from any choice you might make to divorce or not. Find a qualified counselor and schedule weekly sessions.

Lastly, a marriage without mutual trust cannot survive in the long run. Love cannot take the place of mutual trust, the presence of BOTH is essential for a healthy marriage.


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

i did tell my wife about my other child...i didnt know that it was actually mine until all these years later. 

And now that she knows.. she holds it against me.. that i was the liar all these years.. but what am i supposed to do about it? it was before I knew her..


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Whirlewind - I feel your pain. Read my recent post. Almost identical to yours. From Dr. Phil, "people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing". I just got done reading "Codependant No More? which is more about taking care of yourself, which I highly recommend. Go through the grief process of loss 

Shock and denial
Anger
Ambivalance and confusion
Depression
Acceptance

You will bounce all over the place and the process is not linear. Find a good support system and I highly recommend professional help. Good luck and welcome.


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

Make sure you also realize the cheating WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Behaviour is a choice.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Whirlewind810 said:


> i did tell my wife about my other child...i didnt know that it was actually mine until all these years later.
> 
> And now that she knows.. she holds it against me.. that i was the liar all these years.. but what am i supposed to do about it? it was before I knew her..


This is just her pathetic way of trying to shame you in order to make herself feel better for betraying you. 

BTW, is this the way your so called 'best friend' is supposed to treat you?:scratchhead:


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

she loves you? shes your wife, your best friend? If that is the case, I would hate to be her enemy. You need to leave, there is no repairing this. Your doing what a alot of men do... you love who you want her to be, you love who you think she is... I bet alot of what you love about her isnt really apart of her true make up at all.... its probably been that way for years.... just go.


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

Thank you for everyone who has been responding.. your words give me stregnth. i have been on a rollercoaster lately with my emotions.. ill have good days and bad days.. but have been going through everything that biggu5 described...one day ill be angry.. the next day depressed.. 

does it ever completely go away?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Not unless you leave the skank. As soon as you do she will do a complete 180 and start begging you to stay. Don't do it. Find someone else.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Whirlewind810 said:


> Thank you for everyone who has been responding.. your words give me stregnth. i have been on a rollercoaster lately with my emotions.. ill have good days and bad days.. but have been going through everything that biggu5 described...one day ill be angry.. the next day depressed..
> 
> does it ever completely go away?


You will NEVER forget her betrayal but the pain will diminish over time, trust me.

Part of the reason why you are experiencing the emotional rollercoaster is because there are periods in which she gives you crumbs of hope just to keep you from leaving her but then you remember her most recent actions and then you realize who she really is, a woman who does not care about you.

Not all cheating spouses are the same. The *redeemable ones* own their crap and are more than willing to do the heavy lifting in reconciliation in order to earn back their betrayed spouses broken trust. And then you have the *nonredeemable ones* who are beyond caring for their betrayed spouses that they will continue doing what their doing until either their betrayed spouses finally give up and divorce them. Many of the nonredeemable suddenly panic and promise their betrayed spouses the moon but by that time the damage is so great that betrayed spouses stop caring. *Which of these two does your wife fall under?*


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

I would guess that she is a reedeemable type. She does feel bad about what she did, and she knows that she has changed me forever..she tries hard to do things that are nice..its mostly me.. my feelings of betrayal seem to trump all o fthe things that she is trying to do.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Whirlewind810 said:


> I would guess that she is a reedeemable type. She does feel bad about what she did, and she knows that she has changed me forever..she tries hard to do things that are nice..its mostly me.. my feelings of betrayal seem to trump all o fthe things that she is trying to do.


Your feelings are going to trump what she is trying to do for awhile. If she is truly remorseful, she will not blame you for her having the affair in any way. She will own that she made the decision to have the affair and she is the reason for all of your pain. 

I found out my wife had an affair during the first year of our marriage and she kept it a secret for 6 years. I found out less than a month ago and couldn't ask her to be more supportive than she is being. She apologizes constantly and listens to me when I breakdown. She cries with me when the pain is more than I can bear. She holds me and comforts me when I need it. She's upset over the whole thing too, and we've discussed her feelings as well. I've realized that while I was hurt the most here, she's still a person and is upset as well. She knows what she's done to me, herself, and our marriage. I've had to comfort her a couple of times when she has broken down over what she's done. 

If your wife is not at least doing some of these things, then I know why you are not getting any better. You have got to truly feel that she's remorseful over her actions. You've got to know that she understands the pain that she's caused you. You've got to have reassurance that it will never happen again no matter how bad the marriage gets. If she doesn't or is unwilling to show or do at least some of these things, you will never heal. 

I'm a little less than a month past D-Day and I still ride the rollercoaster of emotions. One day I'm fine and feel semi-normal. Another day I just feel lost, hopeless, angry, etc.. This not only happens on a day-to-day cycle, it happens on an hour-to-hour and minute-to-minute cycle. I can tell you this much, I have noticed that it's gotten better over the past month, but only because my wife has been very supportive and completely trasparent about all of her actions.

Good luck.


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

Thank You for your words..showing me that if things do start to turn around that there is hope...but she has to show me the hope..right now I dont believe in her..my friends pressure me to kick her to the curb and its causeing friction between my friends and I. but I want it to be my decision..not theirs

Besides that, if they dont support my decision they probably were never really my friends to begin with. i know that they are trying to help me open my eyes to see the things that she has done to me, but then they start bashing her and thats when i get turned off from them

I am mature enough to decide for myself what to do, I know that I need some helpmaking my decision, I am going to find a counsellor who doesnt know either of us..i think that would probably be best.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Whirlewind810 said:


> Thank You for your words..showing me that if things do start to turn around that there is hope...but she has to show me the hope..right now I dont believe in her..my friends pressure me to kick her to the curb and its causeing friction between my friends and I. but I want it to be my decision..not theirs
> 
> Besides that, if they dont support my decision they probably were never really my friends to begin with. i know that they are trying to help me open my eyes to see the things that she has done to me, but then they start bashing her and thats when i get turned off from them
> 
> I am mature enough to decide for myself what to do, I know that I need some helpmaking my decision, I am going to find a counsellor who doesnt know either of us..i think that would probably be best.


You're absolutely right, it has to be your decision. If you decide to divorce your wife, you need to be able to leave knowing that you did everything you could. I made the mistake of telling my family about my wife's affair. They have barely said two words to her since they found out. My wife and mom used to talk constantly. Also, know that you don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow, 6 months from now. You can make the decision any time you want to. You have to do what is right for you. Making a decision right now in your emotional state is the worst thing you could possibly do. Take your time, go to individual counseling, recommend marriage counseling to your wife, and please go and get an STD test. Do what you need to do to feel right in whatever decision you make. You are the only one that can make the decision. As far as your friends are concerned, they are trying to look out for what they think your best interests are. At least see that their hearts are in the right place. That's what friends do, look out for you. It was probably a mistake to let them know, but also let them know that you don't need help from them to decide what you need to do. Tell them you just needed an ear to listen. If you decide to try and work through this, keep your marriage between you and your wife from now on. Your friends really don't need to know what goes on behind closed doors any longer. This marriage is between you, your wife, and counselor(s). It's not between you, your wife, your friends, your family, her friends, and her family. I had to learn this lesson too. 

Good luck my friend, I'm sorry you're going through this too.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

"""""if they dont support my decision they probably were never really my friends to begin with""""""

NOW YOU ARE ACTING LIKE UNMATURE PERSON THAT HAS NO PERSONALITY. your friends are right. friends cant supports each others on the wrong things. they gave an advice take or leave it but they dont have to agree of what you decide. 

MY best Friend's wife cheated on him and he took her back and I was againts it. I told him his wife never allowed to be in my house or any party that I invite people to. she is a bad influence, he is still my friend, sure thing after 3 years she cheated on him again. he told me he wish if listened 3 years ago and never wasted his life trying to convince himself. 
your friends are hurt because of what happened to you, in this situation, you either need to stay a way from your wife ( I mean a good time a way) to reach a decision or take an advice from a third person such as your friends and family.

a Human can love more than once, your feeling now that if you leave you are scared she will go back to him, at the same time you are mad and want to leave her. 

Man up, the curb is a good place for such person. cheating is not mistake or accident, is something planned well to happen with full knowledge of the consequences after.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you can decide when enough is enough.


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## Whirlewind810 (Jun 18, 2011)

In your opinions would it be appropriate to tell her parents about whats happened over the last few months?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Whirlewind810 said:


> In your opinions would it be appropriate to tell her parents about whats happened over the last few months?


Yes because it is often the case that the cheater lies to his/her family by accusing the betrayed spouse of the same thing he/she is doing.

Just don't do it to get support from them. Remember that they are her blood and you what blood is thicker than.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Your title of this thread is the wrong tense. Your wife IS cheating on you. Tell her parents. In fact kick her a$$ to the curb, and make her go live with them.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Whirlewind810 said:


> In your opinions would it be appropriate to tell her parents about whats happened over the last few months?


Do you think that telling her parents would help? If so, then by all means let them know what's been going on. I believe that you have the right to tell whomever you choose. You just have to use your own best judgement when it comes to things like these.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to stay married to her or do you want to move on without her?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

another grad student honing his/her skills


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

W-
I suggest you write down a list of pros and cons for keeping your W.

I wrote down "cheaper to keeper" twice in my pro column.

For me it helped, but the biggest help was my wife. So ask your self how much help are you getting from her?

Does she account for her time?
Does she call often to check in?
Do you have access to her cell, lap top, ?
Has she taken *full* responsiblity?

When she can give her self completely back to you, only going out with you, and making a commitmtent that leaves all other behind, I mean even her best friend, then it may work out.

She really needs to own this sh*t, I mean this blame shifting and gaslighting has to stop. Once she can say that you had nothing to do with her sleeping around and can admit to being completely wrong, then it will happen again.

And yes she must have consequences, and if she is willing to except the consequences of telling her parents her self infront of you, that is a big step for her.

If she is willing to take a lie detector test with regards to how many men she has slept with/times, then that says alot for her remores.

My main point is her and the heavy lifting she has to do to help you heal, and prevent this from happening again.

If she denies and puts up any walls that keep you from healing then in my opinion its time to move, but if she welcomes these consequences and is willing to give up her privacy.....give up on her old behaviors and excepts the reality that you will need to validate her every move then there my be hope.

Has she told you "that she will do any thing to make the marraige work"?

Next time you see her ask her for her cell phone, it may give you the ansewer you are looking for.


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