# I'm so crushed Please Give Me Your Opinions



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Hello,

I wasn't married but was engaged and in a long term relationship for 3 years. We had together built a company from the ground up with my sister mother and I. We started from scratch and reached almost 1million in sales 2 years later. We were living thin and trying to build the business together and we all worked together in a small space. I took the financial leadership and the business took on about 100k worth of debt. My brother in law and my sister were going to have another baby and I saw that her income needs were going to increase, and I felt pressure to keep expanding the business to allocate for the additional funds that were going to be needed for the business.

During the pregnancy I saw that we would need another round of financing or else the business would be in a tough spot to support all of the payrolls. We didn't get the additional funding and at the same time we learned that our accountant had been stealing and had stolen all of our account information (she was later jailed). I agreed to go work at her fathers company and my fiance was going to stay back and assist my sister during her maternity leave. Only one week before the baby we learned of the account stealing and my brother in law learned about the total company debt load. (i guess my sister had buried her head a bit about it). Anyway with the new baby coming and me about to have to leave for a new job, they panicked. I told them that it would take only 1 year to recover the full amount of the debt, but my brother in law was on edge. 

My fiance was going to stay and help them make a transition for 6 months and then i was going to help her finish school. Well my brother in law was trying to sort out all of the accountants theft and calls one day and offers a low salary to my fiance, and she shot a nasty email and quit on the spot (i tried to explain that he was in panic mode, and that I could get her whatever she desired money wise....she refused....and left with no notice really amplifying the situation....to me it was not very understanding...and i told her many times i could work it out....she got stubborn and refused...i explained that he was in total panic with new baby, theft of livelihood, 100k in debt, and everyone was a suspect....and he treated her as such...which i explained to her was not personal it was just panic...and any anger he had shown her was really to be directed at me)....anyway she sent nasty email and quit forcing my sister back to work or face loosing 100k and folding the business. My sister stepped up and came to the office with the baby and held 3 positions. (now in this first quarter of this year she has netted 30k as a mother of 2 running the company and the 100k is looking quite small to my brother in law...of course....he turned it around and is taking credit...but i built it..and my sister is aware)....anyway

My fiance stayed home and I worked 70 hour weeks at her fathers company and tried to support us. I was depressed that I couldn't hold it all together and felt a bit of a failure at the old company that I wasn't able to make it all work out for everyone. 3 months passed and I learned that she was having an affair with a just off of marriage guy 2x her age who had it all financially. 70k car, 200k boat, fancy condo in the city etc.

I was crushed and brought everything back to her stepfathers house in the night and had a talk with him in the shed. He spoke about how 'when women cheat' its so different etc. and that his wife would never do that (meanwhile she is cheating). I was hurt but didn't blow the whistle even though i was so tempted to do so.

Anyway fast forward 6 months later. I'm totally crushed, i'm losing the house, and still working at the company where she works and her father works. After she left me for this other man she moved back home and then started working at her fathers company (cruel or not cruel?)

The part that is the most terrifying to me is this. The women's reactions on her side. As a man I guess we are the ones expected to cheat by our nature, and that when women do it it's particularly for good reason. (i have never cheated and loyalty is like 100% #1 on my plate....I get sex can get old even if you marry a 10 supermodel....i told her my libido had decreased as I was suffering from mild depression after the business loss....loss of house.....and a new career change.....

Since my ex is a parrot of her mother I get to hear of the wonderful rationalization 'she was young', 'it's ok if he doesn't love you the way you needed to be loved', 'it's part of your destiny', 'it's all in god's plan', 'just follow your heart' etc etc....but later she goes on to start with the rock throwing 'toxic people' 'going back to your ex is like picking up poo' etc etc.

She has married 2 alcoholics and seems to be jaded against men overall by my estimation. She married young had 2 children. The second hubby met at a bar and had stillborn child, and another child who is handicapped. The husband locks himself in a room with a bottle of jack. She cheats on him and is staying 'out of convience' according to my ex.

I stayed at this job even though I believe that I could get aggressive and get another to try to prove a point that even though I'm in a tough spot working alone that I didn't just up and leave like she did with my sister. Perhaps this is stupid and it seems to be wearing on me mentally. I'm not challenged in my job and I make only $550 per week for a 40 hour week and in the past I had been used to 1500 per week earnings.

What I don't understand is that you turn into a villian to the other side. Human nature lends to rationalize and justify really evil and hurtful actions. I was loyal like a dog, honest as the day is long. When times were good she was there and I would pick her up if she was down. When I got into a bad place she ran away deceptively and calls it now 'gods plan'. She refers to her new man as superman and I feel sick and lousy.

A man has a natural desire to provide. When he is falling short of that it's common for him to get depressed. I was not sitting home playing video games. I was working around the clock to try to make a new way while she was not working and plotting her escape I suppose. Emotionally this is the worst thing in my estimation that a woman can do, hit a man on his ability to provide. It seems like already she was going to marry me for love but abandoned the idea and has chased money but masks it calling it 'gods plan'....i guess if you find love and money then this is the nirvana that she was dreaming of. I feel as if I have fallen short.

My mother has tried to convince me that I have escaped a lifetime of torture and pain. The funny part is that I bet the story is the same on the other side which is really hard to muster. (mostly because her mom is probably questioning my ability to provide...which stings even harder)

We were texting for some time back and forth and one time she came back and slept with me and wept. She says that her mother says she fears she will 'lose herself' again. When I asked her what that meant she said that she feared she would come back to me. WTF? She is acting like the sideline quarterback of her daughters life and she does everything in her power to influence her emotions and decision making. It's sick really as if the mother is making her choices for her based on her lopsided stories that she receives. Her daughter didn't behave like a *****, but was rather 'following her heart' I mean come on.... can we call a spade a spade. Taking out someones heart close range with a shotgun is not cool.

I couldn't take it any longer and the late night texts 'you are not alone' (while i sit in an empty house waiting for the short sale to close) 'I think about you always', 'You are always in my mind and in my heart' etc was just crushing me emotionally. I don't know if you think this is extreme but I changed my phone number. Meanwhile she is smooching her new BF on FB (which i deleted the whole account because its narcissism central in my book)....

I told her in a final text that I will take my broken heart to my grave and to not contact me any more and that I didn't wish to hear, see, or speak to her anymore. I had not agreed to care and love her always very lightly. I mean if she got paralyzed or something I would have been like christopher reeves wife....if i couldn't have sex with her till the day i died because of it....i'm ok with that....people are just so freaking selfish....in fact all her apologies where about how selfish and stubborn she was....but hey...live and learn....move on quickly....while I cannot.

Here is an example of what it is like:

Military Tribunal : Soldier why did you sell the secrets to the russians?
Soldier : I sold them because I followed my heart.
Military Tribunal : Well did you sell them because you were following your heart or did you sell them for safety and security?

(get it)

Is it not fair to do no contact? Was I hanging on by keeping the old phone line open and just sitting anticipating what she would say next to me? Why would she say she's thinking about me and I'm always in her heart? Was canceling the phone line a harsh move? According to her mom...if I really loved her I would just want to see her happy. (god that stings and it makes it out like i'm some child weeping and couldn't get the job done)

I do not get how someone can violate your trust like this and you can have tolerance for this. Yes I care for her but do we all have to learn the hardway? How can someone put a shotgun to your heart, pull the trigger, and then later want to sit around the campfire of life with you in any fashion. 

I feel like this. She knew I would fall on my sword for her, so it was like 'game over' and so she just grabbed the sword and stabbed me first. Like my weakness was my love for her so she trampled on it, and later it seems like just downright mockery with all of the justifications and rationalization. Did I get mad if she let the alarm clock go off for 40 minutes without shutting it off...YES...but am i an 'emotional abuser'.....god.....I don't mean to make a generalization but women have an aweful good memory about something you have done that doesn't sit well with them. 

My question is this. My mother has offered my $1500 per month and to move back home for 1 year to get it all straightened out. I feel a fool at my age having to do this, but she has stripped me of my confidence and made me feel just so weak as a man. Who she ran off with doesn't help and calling it god's plan is just sickening to me. He is 2x her age and loaded..i thought this stuff only happened at Hugh Heffner's place...maybe i'm stupid and niave...but it's hurts so bad....

so...should i take my mom up on the offer (i'll pay her back once i get rolling again)....and just suck it up and take the time off out of life to 'eat, pray, love'.....and just flat quit my job without a place to work....knowing i can rely on her offer for assistance......or should i stay and duke it out at my job now with her there and her father in tow (i never have to see them in this job but i know they are there...and it's possible i could hear or see them)

Also I see all these top 10 lists of what to do after a breakup...like dance around a field with sunflowers, get a hobby, talk with friends etc....well i have holed myself up for 5 months now in a complete depression....in a totally empty house (i sold all furniture...no tv..) and I'm wondering if I should just go to my mothers and suck it up....

thank you for anyone that can offer any advice...i just feel so broken as a man, and am torn down. Please explain the rationalization of a woman when they lie, cheat, steal and why they do not take responsibility and make you into who you were not to put mental salve on their betryal. I cannot understand this. I have read so much here about other women who have admitted to cheating on their loving husbands (and they feel like crap)...but then later going on to romanticize the other partner in their affair....calling it fate...gods plan...just so right....and all this other emotional jazz...when logically it's just so wrong and they know it....they have a good man...who loves them...but things are a bit stale etc...routine....and they wisk away in this evil world of betrayal...WHY PEOPLE do you hurt people?

Also I believe this other man to be a complete predator and scumbag. It's so easy for men to pick off the flaws of another man coming from no place of committment. I once had a couple i was friends with wife come on to me (she was hot)....I told her to be ashamed as she had two kids and a loving husband...and I never spoke to them again...(i think that was his hint)......She was BORED.....god...people sell their souls for boredom and to make their man and lady parts tingle....is it worth it people? really, is all of the pain and anguish worth that? 

thank you for your replys.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am really sorry for you. What a horrible story.

Why in the world did you tell the step father about his cheating wife. Why are you giving his wife a free pass?


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry I meant why did you not tell the stepfather about his cheating wife? He would have been more supportive of you since he would be going through the same thing.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Break away from your ex-fiancé and her family, no matter what the cost. Move on with your life. Change your phone number and e-mail addresses. Life is too short to keep reliving the bad stuff.

C


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

I didn't tell him about her cheating....should I have done that? I didn't know what to do about that. In fact one time I caught my fiance at the house on the stoop crying (she talked to her mom all day by the way when she wasn't working)....and she was in tears....i asked what was wrong...."I think i'm turning into my mom"......i was like 'oh god' please no....

is it like a playbook....in football...what mom does...there is a high likelyhood of child doing? I'm not for sure...but i see alot of similiar rationalizations


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Thanks PBear for your reply. Whats the hardest thing to do in this day and age?....IT MAKES ME CRY SO HARD.....

that you can just delete people with a KEYSTROKE.....how harsh of a world do we live in....just so harsh.....i mean really....just delete people....humans...with feelings...and lives...emotions.....just delete them...and go on....what a horrible world really


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

bryanp said:


> Sorry I meant why did you not tell the stepfather about his cheating wife? He would have been more supportive of you since he would be going through the same thing.


She also later told me that if I told him "She would Kill me"...as it would violate her trust with her mother....i have learned alot about the word 'triangulation' as a dysfunctional method of communication in families with alcoholics.....everything goes through mom really....she wants it that way...that way she cannot get abandoned by her children...and she plays puppet master....is this sick or what?

(also thank you people for your replys)


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Who cares if she would kill you.

To paraphrase Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. 

If you were the father wouldn't you have appreciated telling you and being made a fool of. I would inform him now and also show the mother that there are consequences to her cheating actions as well. This will be a good lesson to learn for your ex also.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You should listen to your mother and move on ASAP. She's a gold digger with no morals or loyalty. The "God's Plan" line is just an excuse for her bad behavior. You put too much value into what her mother thinks and says. After all your ex learned her behavior from her cheating/user mother. You also seem to expect her family to support your side of the situation. Parents typically support their children first regardless of where the fault may lie. You've learned some hard lessons about human behavior that most of us have to face eventually. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for being a loyal person with some integrity. No contact is 100% justified. She's a manipulative cake eater who occasionally wants your emotional support, but not your bank account. Get a fresh start somewhere else.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

You know what. You are right. 

Edmund Burke: All that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. 

At the time I suppose I imagined that she would come back. I would for months even look out the window like a lost dog thinking that she would return. As time passes I think less and less about that, and reality is setting in (how long is normal before you let go of hope?....).....so I held this confidence about the mother's affairs from the stepfather.....

they have a handicapped child together...and i also didn't know if by me telling him it would affect the child in some manner....

also they don't sleep together......and im not sure 100% of the arrangement they have....if it's like 'whatever'.....but according to my ex he doesn't know...and it would hurt him deeply if he knew....

do you think i should really deliver this parting shot? i was holding it as a card like 'i didn't break your trust in telling me something'......like if your partner tells you about a murder...what would you do....? if you promised before hand not to tell? that is how i feel about it.....i was trying to prove i was trustworthy...and didn't know if it would be seen as a cheap shot...that i was doing out of spite and anger....

if i were to do it....how would you approach it?


----------



## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Move on dude...

You sound broken and it's time you start thinking about you. Do stuff for you now. You know how fast she'll rethinking her 2x older OM if you move on and aren't pining for her? She's currently getting an ego boost at you holding on.

You deserve better.. You sound like a smart reasonable person. Go live and leave her luring cheating butt in the dust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

imsohurt

Take your Mom up on her offer. Cut all ties to the Ex.

Turn her mother in.

Your Ex and her Mom deserve each other.

Get out of debt, take care of your Mom because she is a gem and go find a real woman.

HM64


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Hurt I would say first get the hell away from her and her family if you have an out DO IT. You are not going to heal in that circumstance. You are never going to move on in that situation. You are never going to get a girl in that situation because you are all enmeshed in her life STILL. You need to leave once you are gone then you can decide on telling the father. This is the time to make decisions on what you need. Move back home and get a new life going. You are just bleeding out in pain and waiting for something good to happen to you, it won't until you get out of the toxic situation you in.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> You should listen to your mother and move on ASAP. She's a gold digger with no morals or loyalty. The "God's Plan" line is just an excuse for her bad behavior. You put too much value into what her mother thinks and says. After all your ex learned her behavior from her cheating/user mother. You also seem to expect her family to support your side of the situation. Parents typically support their children first regardless of where the fault may lie. You've learned some hard lessons about human behavior that most of us have to face eventually. You shouldn't be too hard on yourself for being a loyal person with some integrity. No contact is 100% justified. She's a manipulative cake eater who occasionally wants your emotional support, but not your bank account. Get a fresh start somewhere else.


Enginerd (thanks)....Yeah the other side makes it out to be like a 'knee scrape' of their child...but it's your heart man....they are like... oops....sorry..move on quickly....and i can't seem to do so.....

it's hard not to consider what the mother is thinking and saying as her influence is so strong (in a negative way i believe).....i also have learned alot about 'golden child / scapegoat ' syndrome....the mother does this with the 2 daughters....mine was the scapegoat always...always shouldering the family shame....and she was always looking to mom for all guidance.....unfortunately they have taken on the same beliefs and attitudes...and behavior....

yeah...i have been reading alot about the term cake eater here...i think that is why she was texting me from time to time...to see that i still cared and loved her....to see if i was on the string...but this is so bad really...i would write to her wonderful and beautiful things....my sister says i should use my energy this way...that i'm wasting it....

but to just delete someone....it's so cold it seems...but the other option is to get your heart stamped upon...

thank you guys for your support...thank you for chatting with me about my situation....i really appreciate what you have to say and your input


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

CEL said:


> Hurt I would say first get the hell away from her and her family if you have an out DO IT. You are not going to heal in that circumstance. You are never going to move on in that situation. You are never going to get a girl in that situation because you are all enmeshed in her life STILL. You need to leave once you are gone then you can decide on telling the father. This is the time to make decisions on what you need. Move back home and get a new life going. You are just bleeding out in pain and waiting for something good to happen to you, it won't until you get out of the toxic situation you in.



Thanks CEL. That term enmeshed really hit home. Especially since there was alcoholism and alot of family triangulation happening on the homefront on that side. I have been struggling with leaving....i feel its the last thread that binds us....i asked 10 random women/men...and MOST were like 'i wouldn't leave my job and screw her'......but its the emotion i believe and also the ties that it represents to me....i would hear people talk about 'it's hard to find work out there'...yada yada....and i guess i shouldn't be fearful of that since my mother has made an offer to me for support....part of the reason i was staying was because she abandoned my sister because she was alone in the office (she didn't like being alone even though she was covering my sisters maturity leave).....so i stayed i felt to prove a point.....6 months past the breakup and i have worked 6 days a week without missing 1 day.....but i guess i'm not proving anything to anyone who really cares.....

again...that you for your honest sincere reply....i so appreciate your contribution to my situation.....


----------



## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

imsohurt said:


> Enginerd (thanks)....Yeah the other side makes it out to be like a 'knee scrape' of their child...but it's your heart man....they are like... oops....sorry..move on quickly....and i can't seem to do so.....
> 
> it's hard not to consider what the mother is thinking and saying as her influence is so strong (in a negative way i believe).....i also have learned alot about 'golden child / scapegoat ' syndrome....the mother does this with the 2 daughters....mine was the scapegoat always...always shouldering the family shame....and she was always looking to mom for all guidance.....unfortunately they have taken on the same beliefs and attitudes...and behavior....
> 
> ...


Stop putting so much energy into her. You'll just make yourself more depressed. Her moms issues are her problem. Tell the stepdad and then break cold from her. Otherwise your only feeding her ego. She's not going to take you back of she thinks your crying and whining and being feminine. Show her your over her.. Then suddenly she'll come running and stop playing games to feed her ego.

Then you can decide of you want to give her another chance.. For now.. Cut the diseased arm off!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> imsohurt
> 
> Take your Mom up on her offer. Cut all ties to the Ex.
> 
> ...


Thanks happyman....yeah...she was a girl i suspect....she is 25...her new man is like 47....i guess there were alot of daddy issues...at least that is what my mom says...

i'll dig myself from my debt...in fact the financial end i'm not so concerned about....in fact i have a bit of a confession....at some point i suspected that if i fell on hard times financially that she would not stick around...i'm exploring that I may have put myself onto bad times as a subconsious test of her loyalty....and i refused to believe that she would act in this mannor....i guess the scary part would have been if I got the 2nd round of business funding.....made a ton...had some kids...and then she pulled this stuff like the business and me...stole her youth....(i have known several women who have been resentful towards good men because they felt they didn't explore enough....such crap really...selfish behavior in my opinion)....

if i built a million dollar company with my sister...whose to say i couldn't do it again with a strong woman at the helm...(or by myself).....

thanks for your reply to my thread


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

KimatraAKM said:


> She's not going to take you back of she thinks your crying and whining and being feminine. Show her your over her.. Then suddenly she'll come running and stop playing games to feed her ego.
> 
> Then you can decide of you want to give her another chance.. For now.. Cut the diseased arm off!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So brutal....i'm crying for sure....i just had a shotgun blast to the heart...but I have figured this out that some women think this way...and in fact i have used this knowledge to my advantage...The easiest way to push her away is to 'cry' and tell her how heartbroken I am. (which I am and its honest).....

but this is game playing in my book. i'm a man and i'm ok with crying and being a bit depressed from a broken heart. so what....the more i express my pain...the more she turns into a marine...but you tell me if i deny my pain (act like it doesn't hurt) then I'm a man...and she will behave like a woman? WOW...super amazing...i cannot fathom this....

The easiest way to get her close is to push her away...sharing and being honest (crying)....is also a way to push her away...

'Manning Up' / stop crying = way to bring her close (not honest to my true feelings)

It all seems a bit dishonest if you ask me. If this is how the game is played...then perhaps i'm not a player or don't understand very well. Certainly I can game the system to try and achieve what I want using some of this 'logic' that you share.....but maybe it all boils down to if 'men cry'....and what a women's viewpoint is on that.....

maybe some women frown on this....i suspect this is the case at least what i gather from you......and what is an acceptable time frame to cry? I get that i can fool my brain into dropping the axe mentally...but i fight with my heart.....

because i realize it was all a lie...and it was only ever really about her....and I made some big life decisions based on the trust of another human being (god..stupid i know).....i guess you get in trouble when you expect them to behave in a certain manner...especially if that manner involves some integrity....


----------



## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

I really feel for you. You sound so upset. It's so much more difficult when we have to deal with big worries on top of a broken heart .. in your case the business, the house, her toxic family, your work etc. Trust me, you are still a man, you've just had a thorough crushing that's all. 

I think the best thing to do might be to project forward .. so figure out what you really want (don't you dare say her!) and then figure out how to get there .. so it might look something like "I really want a successful business with my sister and a cute sassy little blonde to take out on the weekends". 

Then project forward to that horizon my friend, and all the nonsense should start falling away.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You sound like a very decent man. A man of honor. 

Do yourself a favor. Next time she calls or sends a text do this before answering or reading her text: Go to the tool shed, get a hammer and hit you thumb as hard as you can. That will hurt you less than the pain this defective person will cause you. Then read the text or talk to her. The pain in your thumb will clear your mind as she talks. 

Do that EVERY TIME until you decide you've had enough.


----------



## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

imsohurt said:


> So brutal....i'm crying for sure....i just had a shotgun blast to the heart...but I have figured this out that some women think this way...and in fact i have used this knowledge to my advantage...The easiest way to push her away is to 'cry' and tell her how heartbroken I am. (which I am and its honest).....
> 
> but this is game playing in my book. i'm a man and i'm ok with crying and being a bit depressed from a broken heart. so what....the more i express my pain...the more she turns into a marine...but you tell me if i deny my pain (act like it doesn't hurt) then I'm a man...and she will behave like a woman? WOW...super amazing...i cannot fathom this....
> 
> ...


I didn't mean to pretend.. I meant really move on. Realize you deserve better. Act like you do. By begging her to realize you love her and would do anything for her all your doing is making it clear she can mess around with OM all she wants and you'll stick around waiting in the wings. That's not fair to you. You don't deserve to be someones "when I'm done having my fun" guy. You deserve to be someone's "can't live without them" guy.

That was my point. You crying is fine.. Mourn for this loss. But don't dwell on it. When bad things happen you have to rise from the trenches and survive... Learn.. And then get better.

My point is.. You deserve more than her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

beautiful_day said:


> .. so it might look something like "I really want a successful business with my sister and a cute sassy little blonde to take out on the weekends".


Hi beautiful day....well you have lifted my spirits with a great laugh...

Successful business with my sister ( not possible now as my brother in law is running the show after I left raking in some serious cheddar)

....the cute sassy Blonde part....well gosh that is how I got in this mess...


I gave the business to my sister and shes caking 125k a year
and she will raise my nephews well...I built it...my brain....when I brought the sassy Blonde into the family business....she threw a wrench....also my bro in law always thought I had an angle....he does low pay service work...now the accountant describes whet I left them as the future to achieve all there dreams....the business evaluate is like 500k....that was my gift...

In fact the funny part...my ex sassy blond was always pissed at my commitment to my sister...she was always telling me to do something on my own.....and my bro in law wanted me out of the picture once the rebate checks from American express each month started to look like his old paycheck.....guess what....bro in law and ex have one thing in common....alcoholic fathers.....I gave away 500k...and I'm busted.....I'm loyal...and committed...who can put that on a resume!


----------



## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

That's the spirit! You're not dead yet. 

You know there's more than one cute, sassy blonde on the planet though right? ... and we come with all sorts of different personalities. Heck, if the worse comes to the worse get yourself a brunette. 

OK OK don't jump on me brunettes. I'm just trying to cheer him up.

But my point is, you're getting bogged down, when there's so much out there for you. Figure out what you want ... cause I'm pretty sure it's not what you've got now, clear the decks and go get it.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You sound like a very decent man. A man of honor.
> 
> Do yourself a favor. Next time she calls or sends a text do this before answering or reading her text: Go to the tool shed, get a hammer and hit you thumb as hard as you can. That will hurt you less than the pain this defective person will cause you. Then read the text or talk to her. The pain in your thumb will clear your mind as she talks.
> 
> Do that EVERY TIME until you decide you've had enough.


Thank you walkonmars...I'm super decent (ladies settle down with the pm's) jk....

for a while...I made a one week rule....she would text...and I wouldn't read for a week....one I read...one week to reply....yeah a hammer is better man....she put in some digs...here is a good one she tried to pull.
..it was advice for me...she said....be more aware of the connections you make and the lives u affect......as I lost everything and she sailed into sunset....

I learned how evil people can be when I kept my knowledge of her cheating for 2 weeks... I would start making plans for Europe vacations...cruises....and boy would she squirm....the lies would just flow...and I just began to think how it was all a lie....she knows my word was true....and I have taken my honour with me....now I can put thehammer down.....you don't need to have pain to have honour....

Thank you for your reply to my thread sir...with 2 k posts...and your compliment...I'm sure you have seen more of life than me.....did you like my military tribunal example?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If you want to know what your wife will be like, look at her mother.

Never a truer word in this case it seems. 

What you need to do is realise that not all people are good. Some people are manipulative, and those people verge on 'evil'. Manipulative behaviour, when inherent in a personality, has an extremely mean streak about it. Uncaring and callous. Don't think you can do anything about this situation or fix it. Just get out as soon as is humanly possible.

As soon as you are removed from the situation you will begin the realisation process (that you were taken for a ride and there was nothing that you could do about it due to your loving naivete, and naivete is meant in a positive way. Some people are decent! And that is why decent people are naive to poison like those of your wife and her family. We don't think like that!), the process that will be brought about by your relief to be no longer embroiled in this family's mess. 

Do not get Hung up on your naivete. Keep it! Hold on to it....And learn from it. This is an education process, and don't take that lightly. Meeting arseholes in life is an education. Sometimes they can ruin your life, but you just plough on through....because they ARE an education. And life is never ruined, it is what you make it. Recovery from an arsehole is great because the education is invaluable.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

btw, ALL women want a strong man. Emotions are good, but crying should be saved only for those really really bad moments. Talking is good, expressing emotion is good in a 'I am feeling this because of that....I feel this way and I am honest about what I feel' way, however, as much as it should be fine, women just don't like to see a weak man. Like I said, there are certain situations where it is fine, and tolerated, but, most, as much as it pains me to say this, do not like to see weakness in a man. Crying is totally undesirable unless it is due to some major pain or loss.

And I like a sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent, (and funny) man. I totally hate a bimbo, a 6 pack, muscle man (yuk) though I like well looked after. I like a man! 

When dealing with someone who loves you, weakness is fine. Totally. When dealing with someone who disrespects you. NEVER show weakness. EVER!


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Remains said:


> btw, ALL women want a strong man. Emotions are good, but crying should be saved only for those really really bad moments. Talking is good, expressing emotion is good in a 'I am feeling this because of that....I feel this way and I am honest about what I feel' way, however, as much as it should be fine, women just don't like to see a weak man. Like I said, there are certain situations where it is fine, and tolerated, but, most, as much as it pains me to say this, do not like to see weakness in a man. Crying is totally undesirable unless it is due to some major pain or loss.
> 
> And I like a sensitive, thoughtful, intelligent, (and funny) man. I totally hate a bimbo, a 6 pack, muscle man (yuk) though I like well looked after. I like a man!
> 
> When dealing with someone who loves you, weakness is fine. Totally. When dealing with someone who disrespects you. NEVER show weakness. EVER!


Ok. I have a problem here with some of this. She came from alcoholic family. The idea of emotion over there was take a shot of jack and get on with it. Listen to some Johnny Cash while your at it. 

Also if I have an emotional attachment to something (like 2 years solid work for my sisters business 75 hour weeks...dream of building/providing for family in a good way....and about 5 years prior doing part time testing and thinking etc....I have about 7 years in this emotionally.....the death and me leaving the business means that my sister and I wouldn't split 100k two ways...and she would take it all and raise the kids....)

when I lose this...and cry about it...and grieve it.....when i come accross someone who wasn't as emotionally invested....and they are like 'come on dude....take a shot and move on with it'.....then this is quite insensitive. What if I had a family member die and I was crushed for like 1 year? Well I know i went to a funeral at her family and I didn't see 1 tear shed accross the board.....

I have a big problem with this and what you suggest as a man. If you make a comparison about how you would react and handle VS. How someone else reacts and handles and make a judgement about them being less of a 'man' this really sucks.

In rational terms I tried to explain this to her. Because I wasn't handling the loss as she saw fit...then this is somehow puts me in the WEAK camp.....screw that.....if her mother died and the shot of jack and johnny cash didn't work and she was crying at the drop of a hat....I get it.....and wouldn't go after how she was handling it. 

i was working in a loving work environment with my family...having coffee with them daily and planning out the business and making great strides.....if you saw my office you would see....it was amazing...overlooking an amazing river.....now i have to go to work with a bunch of 'i don't give a s&&&t about you' people who mean nothing to me....yeah man...i was crushed....it was a death....and i just couldn't get over it in the same time frame that she expected me to because of the difference in emotional investment involved....so now i'm weak...because i'm pulling 70 hour work weeks at my new company...on a whole new crazy schedule....and when I come home I'm emotional and physically drained....feeling like i'm still falling short.....and on top of dealing with the change and grief from my loss.....

she saw i was depressed and sad...she just wanted me to bounce back on her time schedule by my estimation...and when i told her i wasn't over it and she was....well that is insensitive...she should have been picking me up....not...I REPEAT NOT...saying...why are you still down......you are weak because this isn't what I would be doing....get it?

Hey this guy fred who i don't even know just lost his family business...guess what...i'm over it right this second....but when its you....it's a bit different...that's all i'm saying.....

Here is what I think. Comparison is at the root of envy. Envy seeks to not only take what another has, but to destroy it. She compared my grief to the grief that she would have. She compared my way of handling it to the way she would have handled it. Well maybe, just maybe...she was envious of the fact that I had the ability to feel and dig deeper than she ever may. That I had the ability to give more than she could ever give. 

Maybe if your idea of getting over something is to take a shot of jack and just get on with it...and you see someone who actually has a freaking soul....she started to see how callous and cold she was....and she wanted my soul....remember...comparison is at the root of envy...and envy doesn't seek to take what you have...but to also destroy it.....

To have any idea how someone grieves something....and then make a comparison to yourself or how they should handle it is just plain wrong man....if i laid in a bed for a year and wept my eyes out....so be it....and i'm not less of a man for it....

Go read the psalms......and I'm not that overly religious....that guys weeping is freaking legendary....and David was no wimp he was a warrior...but he went to the desert....and cried is freaking eyes out....and that is a legendary man...and he cried long and hard....

So generally speaking....you say only during some major loss crying is acceptable...and I say to you that perhaps that is true....it's not like i was watching the notebook on repeat with a box of cleanex....but i say major loss can be subjective...and if your partner fails to see that you have sustained a major loss because it's not such a big deal to them......they are a selfish breed....

And don't get me wrong....i might crack a tear at a good movie ever now and again...am i weak....? I might even write a poem about some tough thing that i have been through to get it out....am I weak? Sometimes we would share a special moment that I knew we would never have again...and I might crack a tear...it's life man....it happens...and tears can come....

it's interesting to hear your thoughts on men and tears....I like to take David's words:

All night I flood my bed with weeping, drenching it with my tears.

yeah man....get it out guy...let it go...let it flow....this epic warrior, poet, and king....was legend...and he's famous for his tears....i can't imagine for 1 second a woman, a real woman who would see this as unattractive....

showing depths of emotion is all about character...and in my opinion a woman who is turned off by such things as crying...and sees it as weak....that woman may lack depth and character herself....


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

what I can see is this.....a girl...who was afraid...that her man would not get up from his tears...and put the sword back into his hand and get onto the battlefield....

so she didn't know the duration of my pain...she didn't know when it was going to end...how long would i grieve? This frustrated her most likely because it was out of her control....and maybe she was worried that I was weak and would not take up my sword again....

but a partner is just that...when you are lying down weeping....takes the sword by your side....and swings the damn thing around for a bit...until you can heal your wound....and mount the horse again...and ride back into the battle of life....

if they start to complain that you aren't back up yet...and that the sword is getting heavy...and they can't swing it around any more....and tell you 'hurry up buddy'....this isn't a warrior to match your strength...and not a partner....

that is what she did....she was like....hey...your not supposed to cry....your supposed to always be on the horse with the sword....you are not supposed to go down and cry.....that's my job....

ok....well....go get your ken doll...and keep playing....this is real life man.....and even the strongest warriors are brought to their knees in tears......and a real woman should pick up the sword every now and again...or give the man space to heal his wounds...no matter how long....with the virtue of patience behind her....that he is a warrior in his heart...and he will rise again....

it's all about some faith.....she put a timeline on it...and that was crushing.....even more....

if she got cancer...lost both her breasts.....got paralyzed....lost her limbs...disfigured....she would have had all the time in the world for me to love and wield the sword.....she on the other hand...put a time limit on my version of losing my breasts....


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

beautiful_day said:


> That's the spirit! You're not dead yet.
> 
> You know there's more than one cute, sassy blonde on the planet though right? ... and we come with all sorts of different personalities. Heck, if the worse comes to the worse get yourself a brunette.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the encouragement. I think my luck with blondes has run out. What is sad is how you say there are so many more people on the planet....i get this...it's just going through that whole 'what issues are i going to have to face next' thing that is crushing...sometimes its the devil you don't know that is more frightening. 

She just went on with it so quick...and took that i'm outta here approach that seems so cold and callous...like so many fish in the sea....it's painful for me to think like that....

Where is the longsuffering....the loyalty...i just feel like i keep making bad time investments into the wrong women...and that they can flip on a dime....and then apply the 'there's so many fish in the sea' logic back upon you....I just want one damn fish....one that isn't slimy and flip flops all around...

am i dreaming? I see people on here that have been married for 20 plus years....throwing their old fish back into the sea...and swapping it for a new one....

where can you just find a mate for life? that one person who won't throw your heart against the wall? maybe this doesn't exist. 

it seems like relationships are only asking for pain? I have yet to have one that didn't end in that. 

i just had dinner with my mom...we talked about how people look for what they don't have...and compare...so they just keep looking...searching always for what they percieve as better than what might be right beneath their noses....we have agreed that most of it is just rooted in selfishness and lust for more.....


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Take your mom up on her offer. You will be amazed how much better you are going to feel just getting out of that tomb of a house you are in. New surroundings, a fresh start. And expose the cheating mother to the stepdad. It is the right thing to do.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Remains said:


> If you want to know what your wife will be like, look at her mother.
> 
> Some people are decent! And that is why decent people are naive to poison like those of your wife and her family. We don't think like that!)


This really hit home. Thank you for your contribution here. This really made me think about something. When I would spent time at their house, I often would remain more observant even though in the outside world I was really outgoing and talkative (mostly in professional situations more than personal).....but I was new to their family so I remained more observant and marked my words more carefully.

My silence was perceived as judgement of them and my ex told me so. What I later learned from this was so important. They thought in my silence that I was judging them, but in fact they were revealing to me that when they are silent that they are making judgments themselves because that is what they do. They projected their behavior onto me. 

I have always been more strategic with my words and actions, and they were ones to just let it fly. I was niave to their poison and this I admit. Their grandfather was a philanderer and my ex would go to grandmas house and talk about his ways (super not appropriate...and she was using grand-daughter as her emotional replacement from her absent husband. i later learned the term cover incest)...

anyway...yes..i did not think in behave like they did...i was not that evil and deceptive by my nature....my mom says that i must be soft as a dove but as wise as a serpant.....well i got the soft part down...but i never really put myself in the serpant shoes because i don't really look to operate this way....

but knowing how these people think and behave is crucial...i had not been exposed....i think once i knew her mom was cheating....i should have pressed the whole issue about what the family stance was on that....turns out...they are pretty lax...and it happens all over the place in their family....it's just part of life is the attitude...and there was alot of justifying moms behavior....and man bashing the stepfather....

cheating seems quite murderous to me....it's like soul murder...and i'm just not with that....but coming around these boards....gosh the stories you read here....how do you people cope with this....some of these situations are just unreal....

it's when kids get involved where it gets wrenching really....that's sad....


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Take your mom up on her offer. You will be amazed how much better you are going to feel just getting out of that tomb of a house you are in. New surroundings, a fresh start. And expose the cheating mother to the stepdad. It is the right thing to do.


Hey thanks for that....that's for contributing to this thread...i really appreciate your contribution....

how would you suggest that I do it? telling him about it? via email....face to face...or phone call?

if i did this...i suppose that I would be ending any and all friendship/hope/ that would come from my ex.....i mean how do people respond in these cases?

Should I take the 'I don't give a crap...it's the right thing...and i'm doing it approach...like it or not'?

If I expose her affairs to the stepfather...will there be some question that i'm just throwing cheap shots because she didn't come back to me? Like they have defended her daughter....will they then continue to villify me and try to make me some liar for doing this (not possible since i don't lie and they know this)....but will they twist it?

How do these exposures work? Does the stepdad thank you..does he get pissed and question if what you say is true? I have the word of both of the daughters....it's not like i know the guys names or have some photos or anything....

I would basically say this:

Your step daughters are not telling you about your wifes affairs she is having with another man on the computer. She is having sex with this man, and your step daughters told me that their mother is staying with you because 'life is easier if she stays with you'. I'm sorry if you are not aware of this, but many of us are. They feel bad for you because they say that they love you and that you are good to their mom, and it wrenches them to have to hear their mom talk about her affairs and bad mouth you to them. They feel what she is doing is not right. I think that your wife is setting a bad example for your step daughters by concealing this and perhaps they should learn how wrong this type of behavior is. I just wanted to let you know because I know what it feels like to be the last to know that an affair is going on.

is there anything you would do differently, add or subtract? thank you for your input...


----------



## Keeponrollin (May 14, 2013)

You need to walk away from it all, it sounds like your family wants to help you get back on your feet. DO IT!! Take the year clear your head, do not talk to her, do not text her, do not talk to anyone associated with her.

I was in a relationship very very much like yours its plain and simple toxic for you, people like that poison everyone around them so RUN and rebuild your life and BURN THAT BRIDGE. 

I promise after a year you will look back and be amazed at where you were and where you currently at.


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Re: the whole men crying thing.

Remains was right when she said: "When dealing with someone who loves you, weakness is fine. Totally. When dealing with someone who disrespects you. NEVER show weakness. EVER!"

When my WH and I were together and happy, pre-A he would cry sometimes. He and his first wife had a baby son who died. one time we visited his grave. He stood there and cried in my arms. When a story came on a medical programme that involved a similar situation, he cried. He cried over his surviving sons who did not want to see him because his first wife had poisoned them against him.

Every time he cried, I held him and comforted and I RESPECTED him for being safe enough to show his feelings to me. I was proud that our relationship was so good that he felt safe to do that. it did not diminish my respect for him one bit, in fact it increased it. And I did NOT view it as weakness.

What you are dealing with now is different, and it is a misnomer to see it as a man/woman thing.

As a BW I have been given the exact same advice to not show how hurt I am, how much I am destroyed by what he has done, how much I desperately want him and need him to love me. He does not respect me when I sit blubbering on the sofa begging him to love me. I need to pull back and show that I am a strong, happy person who WILL get through this and have a good life, with or without him. And BE that person, not just pretend.

Now, we are trying for R but it still applies. If it works, great, if it doesn't, then I'll work through it. But I will come out the other side no matter what happens. My happiness does NOT depend on him loving me. I have taken back control.

BTW I do find it offensive when people imply that strength is a solely masculine trait and weakness is 'feminine'. Just FYI. Its akin to saying "You're such a girl" as an insult, as if there is something wrong with being a girl. Shows a distinct lack of respect IMO.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Great tale...very heartfelt and honest. All I can say is that you only got only one family...cherish them...even if they piss you off....but of course, maintain your integrity around them too.

As for the girl...I say remove yourself as far away from her drama and the drama of her family. Correcting a fool invites a beating...and if you cast pearls before swine they will trample them and you in the process. The crazy ones want all they can get...and get spiteful when they don't get it all...particularly attention. Cut all communication.

Lots of pretty blondes still in the world...you just may have to recalibrate your radar to seek the ones with good character...even though we love the ones that are fun and send our hats spinning. A wild women is as destructive and random as a tornado. I know, I've been married to one for 16 years...and she is now divorcing me after her 3rd emotional affair and who knows what else? Penniless, I tell you.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> Great tale...very heartfelt and honest. All I can say is that you only got only one family...cherish them...even if they piss you off....but of course, maintain your integrity around them too.
> 
> As for the girl...I say remove yourself as far away from her drama and the drama of her family. Correcting a fool invites a beating...and if you cast pearls before swine they will trample them and you in the process. The crazy ones want all they can get...and get spiteful when they don't get it all...particularly attention. Cut all communication.
> 
> Lots of pretty blondes still in the world...you just may have to recalibrate your radar to seek the ones with good character...even though we love the ones that are fun and send our hats spinning. A wild women is as destructive and random as a tornado. I know, I've been married to one for 16 years...and she is now divorcing me after her 3rd emotional affair and who knows what else? Penniless, I tell you.


My mom said the same thing about pearls and swine....its when the swine dress up like a dove where I get confused....of course....I saw some signs....mostly I saw what her mother preached....when she would justify her cheating on her husband I was sick about it....the 2 other women in the family / his step daughters said they felt bad for him...but they wouldn't betray their mothers trust and tell him...


I was going to quit my job with her father and her where I also work....I was thinking as a final full step in moving on to call stepfather and just drop the dime....my ex has been at home now for 5 months....and the story is cemented and twisted about who I am....the 4 ladies of the house man bashing....and giving her confirmation.....

I'm sure they will just say I'm sour grapes...but I want to let this man know that his ailing parents inheritance is going to go right to this lying cheating woman who is staying because its easier to do so....she can live more comfortably.....and I suspect she is timing the divorce.....but that is speculation.....I get mixed reviews outside of this forum about rattling....many say don't get involved....but if I did drop the dime....I know for certain my ex and I would never speak again....I mean everyone know except him...and maybe I could leave letting him know that the reason I never did anything alone with him was because I was afraid I was going to just let it fly.....I just blended with the group....my ex mom makes it seem as if he is really deserving of this....and that I just didn't understand the circumstances behind her cheating....but it never sat right.....



If I tell is it like I'm throwing a big middle finger in the air.....or is it just about right and wrong....or maybe a little of both....what would you do...thank you


----------



## sdcott (Oct 9, 2012)

I agree with your input whole heartedly. Life is too short to live in that situation. Take lessons from it, learn and grow


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

haven't read every post but go see a doctor immediately. You are in deep depression and some medication might help you


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Yeah.....im on that for sure...actually i thought i could just ride it out....like just cave it out.this is not working....i have sought more than just talk therapy....let me say this....,cheating is emotional murder...make no mistake about that.....its evil....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

imsohurt said:


> Hey thanks for that....that's for contributing to this thread...i really appreciate your contribution....
> 
> how would you suggest that I do it? telling him about it? via email....face to face...or phone call?
> 
> ...


I think you should tell him face to face. See if he will go out and have a beer with you or something. Tell him that the daughters know, and that you feel he has a right to know about what is going on. Its hard to say how he will respond. He may say that you are full of crap and lying, etc, and be angry. But does that matter any more? At least you can say you TRIED. On the other hand, he may be more grateful than you could ever realize. Maybe he is living in mistrust and suspicion, and this will give him clarity. I think the dialogue you have spelled out here sounds good.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

As an update.....I have scheduled to see a psychiatrist....for maybe getting on meds....I thought I could do this alone....raw dog....no dressing for the wound....just clam up....but this pain has not stopped....I called a crisis helpline the other day....lady was nice...I must have said the wrong things....a swat team showed up at the house and took me to psych. ER....just fyi....the mobile unit coming to your house....is not the sweet lady on the phone....God she made it sound like she was coming over for coffee and tea....

Anyway I got released and my realtor picked me up....my problems are vanilla to what I saw in psycho. ER.....people drooling and dancing naked....getting tied down.....God that sobered me up

Cheating is the worst pain you can inflict onto someone....it is emotional Hiroshima....its murderous in my book.....I think I should make some contributions to those on the fence who are willfully thinking of doing this to another human being....

For those who can overcome this and befriend or even go back....God bless...I wonder if I have some flaw that I could never consider this.....like ever....no way....

This isn't light pain....and when you realize that this was all willful behavior....I think that the other persons heart is nothing more than black.....how do you recover from willful murderer of your innocent spirit.....?


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

I have been doing some heavy thinking...I have been such a fool...I have made large decisions...that I will have to deal with for along time...when the other person lacked commitment and changed course...it left me weak as I had put myself vulnerable to them....

That vulnerability was the innocents of my love....and they have stolen that from me....the scars I bear will stay with me...and part of my trusting nature will be lost.....I will raise my shield and venture out into this cold hard world....and may have more difficulty exposing myself like this.....

I feel that I was not good enough...that I didn't provide enough...and I feel less of a man...and she has put my spirit down....I feel crushed...and broken....like Delilah she shaved my head in the night....

I never sought out better when I was with her...I never thought about going with another woman...I was content....I was predictable....I was stable I thought....

But now I feel broken and unstable....and my heart weeps....


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Also I have read that women don't like predictable...because there is little surprise....

Do any women like predictable? I think I should create a poll for this...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Tell the guy that his wife is cheating on him
2. Quit working for him. He's paying you badly and your wasting precious days of your life there.
3. Either take up your moms offer or get a new job of your own, but get busy building your life to be what you want it to be.

As for the exgf. That relationship is doomed. In 6 years she'll be hitting her I want a baby years, and the old man will be need Viagra to keep it up. It's doomed.


----------



## imsohurt (May 13, 2013)

Thanks shaggy...ill post as I take more steps man....thank you....


----------

