# Disrespectful Daughter to Stepmom



## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

I like to get some input on my situation. So up until about 2 months ago my daughter who is 6 has always been respectful of her step-mom. Lately she will leave the room when stepmom comes home, will not talk to her and is just plan rude and tells her she hates her. I have disciplined her. Everything from time-outs, to farm chores, to the occasional spanking. Both I, biological mom and stepmom have talked with her how this is not acceptable behavior. Stepmom does have a son that she love to play with, he is 7. We have been married for almost two years.

Our home dynamic is we sit down for dinners together, have family game nights or play out side, go to church as a family on Sunday and always try to watch a shot show and cuddle with the kids right before bedtime. My point is we interact with her and her stepbrother several hours a night and have special family days to show both kiddos we are a true family. 

At mom's home. It is my understand that her and boyfriend do not discipline each other kids. Per the boyfriend my daughter is also very rude to him but feels mom doesn't discipline her enough for her smart mouth. From what my daughter has told me, they don't do much as family during the week, but again she is 6 and still has issues with lying. I know they have done family vacation etc so I know they do have some type of family setting.

I am looking for input on what might help my daughter be more respectful, or is this a phase she is going through.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

musk-rat said:


> I like to get some input on my situation. So up until about 2 months ago my daughter who is 6 has always been respectful of her step-mom. Lately she will leave the room when stepmom comes home, will not talk to her and is just plan rude and tells her she hates her. I have disciplined her. Everything from time-outs, to farm chores, to the occasional spanking. Both I, biological mom and stepmom have talked with her how this is not acceptable behavior. Stepmom does have a son that she love to play with, he is 7. We have been married for almost two years.
> 
> Our home dynamic is we sit down for dinners together, have family game nights or play out side, go to church as a family on Sunday and always try to watch a shot show and cuddle with the kids right before bedtime. My point is we interact with her and her stepbrother several hours a night and have special family days to show both kiddos we are a true family.
> 
> ...


*Could well just be a phase, but I'd have her visit with a youth counselor/pastor at Church.

If that does not yield results, I'd say that she needs to see a child psychologist!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If she was fine but suddenly changed 2 months ago there must be a reason. Did anything happen then? Have you sat her down and had a heart to heart about why she is angry?


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> If she was fine but suddenly changed 2 months ago there must be a reason. Did anything happen then? Have you sat her down and had a heart to heart about why she is angry?


We have had an heart to heat talk. She claims nothing is wrong, but starts crying almost instantly. Part of me feels like there is something wrong, but she is afraid to tell me. With school starting this week I am going to have the school counselor speak with her. She has a background in child services and a degree in Physiatry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been divorced from her mom?


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been divorced from her mom?


It is just over three years now. We were separated for an year prior when she took off with the boyfriend. A total of four years apart now if my memory is correct.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

musk-rat said:


> We have had an heart to heat talk. She claims nothing is wrong, but starts crying almost instantly. Part of me feels like there is something wrong, but she is afraid to tell me. With school starting this week I am going to have the school counselor speak with her. She has a background in child services and a degree in Physiatry.


The tears show there is but she can't or wont tell you. I hope you manage to find out.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Give her lots of love and reassurance and keep talking to her.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I hate - HATE - to even ask this...

Are there other things that are new? Does she sleep well? Does she seem to have any new fears? Has anyone new (a new adult) been introduced into her life that has a lot of time with her? I may very well be just over-alarmist, but some of this sounds very much like the way children change if they have been or are being molested. Could that be a possibility at all? Not your wife, but maybe a new adult in her life?

Again, I hate even mentioning it, and forgive me for being alarmist, but when you said it started with no real explanation and the way you described how she began crying....it's just what I thought of.


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## musk-rat (Mar 10, 2015)

She is very clingy to me, more so than what she use to be. Nothing new that I am aware of in her life. No issues with sleep or have any fears she is communicating. 

Last year she claimed the boyfriend's son who is 9 put his hand in her pants. I called CPS, did everything in my power to ensure her safety. She even told her story time and time again exactly. There was an investigation, she talked to a counselor and they ruled that she was confused on what was an appropriate touch. At the end of the day I was told I had no legal course to get full custody. My X agreed to watch things at her house and has never seen anything, or she is not telling me. It has been in the back of my mind that something might have really happen or has reoccurred.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

musk-rat said:


> She is very clingy to me, more so than what she use to be. Nothing new that I am aware of in her life. No issues with sleep or have any fears she is communicating.
> 
> Last year she claimed the boyfriend's son who is 9 put his hand in her pants. I called CPS, did everything in my power to ensure her safety. She even told her story time and time again exactly. There was an investigation, she talked to a counselor and they ruled that she was confused on what was an appropriate touch. At the end of the day I was told I had no legal course to get full custody. My X agreed to watch things at her house and has never seen anything, or she is not telling me. It has been in the back of my mind that something might have really happen or has reoccurred.


My uneducated guess would be that it probably happened again. Dealing with inappropriate touching when both those involved are minor children, especially prior to puberty, is tough. Because sometimes it is simple curiosity. However, it bothers me that they said she was confused about appropriate touch. I mean, when is it ever appropriate to put one's hand down a child's pant - even if you are also a child????

If it were me, when she is calm and the two of you are alone, I would ask something like, "Remember when Tommy did X last year and it really upset you? I want you to always be safe. Has anything like that happened again?" I didn't word it very well, but make it loving and safe. Again, it may not be some nefarious intent on the part of the boy, but he needs to understand boundaries if it did happen again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If this is a new behaviour there's a reason for it. If she's super clingy to you now, has someone she knows lost their Dad in the time that this has started? Could it simply be that she's frightened you will die? My SD went through this a few years ago when a classmate's father passed away.

That's very disturbing about her 9 year old step brother. You may have to take drastic action such as taking out a restraining order on him against your daughter, so that he can't be near her. I hope your ex wife never leaves her alone with him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF its to do with the other boy, and it may well not be, it may be that she feel she can't say anything being that nothing happened last time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I wouldn't be spanking the child. When you find out what the real problem is, you're going to feel like an absolute jerk (and, you should).


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