# I feel trapped in my relationship, help?



## Eatcake (Feb 1, 2015)

Just got married last year, right now 27F. I been with my husband for almost 9 years, we're really good friends too. Thing is lately I been feeling a bit alone and having doubts about our marriage. Usually when you get married, you have a new outlook on life and work together to achieve goal. Maybe I have became more selfish, (I would always think of others first, something my husband always praises) and is not as patient as before. One thing he is bad at is saying no to others, so sometimes he either stay on the phone with them, get involved with their problem, etc. He doesn't have many friends, one of his friend who he considers to be pretty close had basically lied to him to get money supposely because he fell into hardtimes. Also the friend would come over manytimes to get drunk (whether intentionally or not). I told him it's best he's not friend with him, He basically told me if I don't want him to have any friends then fine, because that's the only one he can talk to on regular bases, so I decided it's not worth fighting over. We're also supporting his mom who cant work and teen sister in Ukraine. There's been a number of incidents where we had to send more money because of unexpected and emergency things, and that has basically been draining our savings. Also the mom and sister fights alot, and he has to talk with the mom alot and get stressed out about his rebellious sister. Apparently they can't tell any relatives there because they don't know about us sending money. I feel bad because I know he's stressed out too, but I bare the financial burden of it because I manage the money. We don't even spend that much time together because we're both tired after work, he likes to stay in his room to smoke and give sometimes to himself. When I bring things up with him, its just really hard for anything to change.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your in a marriage, but not in a loving relationship. There is no respect, reciprocity, and it sounds like he hid the real him until you married him. The person you probably fell in love with is not the person he is now. Did he hide these things and issues from you?

Your still fairly young, and you need to consider is this the type of marriage you want, and putting love aside, is he the type of person you want to be married to? If you met him and knew how he is like, could you fall in love with him as he is?

Perhaps he can change into that person, but if no action is taken, he will stay the same as he is now. He has no motivation to change. Your still there, and so there is no fear that you will leave him.

People often need a crisis or a catastrophic event to change. Some people tend to fall into a pattern, a rut of there own making. In most cases, there needs to be something drastic to cause a shift.

He does not see you as his equal, his partner. If you think about the term partner, your marriage does not embody that word.

His decisions not only affect him, but it highly impacts you as well. So, you need to find the strength to stand up for yourself. Your biological attachment to him will fade as things stand. Each day the relationship, or nonrelationship occurs, the more and more you will separate mentally from him. Love is a biological bond that needs nourishment to stay healthy. Starve it, and it will die.

His bond to you is not strong either. He is not motivated to be connected with you. I wonder if he was ever in deep love with you, or did he marry you due to his dysfunctional self. He pleases others because he does not want to lose them. He married you, then he probably felt safe that you will not abandon him so he has time and energy to focus elsewhere. Dating him was probably different.

high probability if you detach from him, he will start focusing on you as well, you're no longer a safe bet. He neglects you at the moment because he can, because you do not stand up for your own needs. Since he is safe with you, he places his energy on his freind and faily, while you live like roommates.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Are you both from Ukraine?
You don't smoke?

Basically, you have lost attraction to him as a man in the sense that you want a masculine leader as your partner. He is not. 

I suggest that you book MC and talk about your concerns. Also, praise him when he acts decisively.

The aid to relatives back home is understandable. War and a ruined economy make things hard there.

Can you watch good, meaningful films with your husband and discuss the meaning?

Get your husband to workout.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Your in a marriage, but not in a loving relationship.


I think this is a very astute observation and one you should consider as a way to move forward.

On an ancillary note, I have seen several couples who lived together and all was great but things changed when they married. Perhaps from his perspective the woman went from being a lover to a possession when married. And perhaps from her perspective he went from being a lover to her 'soul mate'. The two create inherent conflicts.


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