# So....... Found out my wife is a member of TAM too



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

She does not know that I know though. Oh yes..... And I don't know her user name either. 

I've never made it a secret that I joined this forum. My wife has known it all along. I spend a lot of time messaging members here with advise so I told her what all the private message emails were about. She has never belonged to any forum type website and constantly told me I was crazy for bearing my soul to total strangers. 

How I know. I needed to switch my email account my notifications go to And decided to use her work email temporally. Well I enter the email address and the site says that it is already in use by another user. Well I can only think of one user that could be. I spent probably an hour yesterday searching user names to try to find her. Since she has never belonged to a forum I have no idea what name she would use. Her first name was taken, but the join day was way before I joined. Her initials were also taken, same deal. Both of these users have no posts so nothing to read. 

I'm going crazy trying to find ways to figure out her user name other than asking her. Thinking or opening up TAM on her phone (she could care less if I mess with her phone), if she has logged in from it it should remember the password and log in by itself, then I could send myself a message. I kinda feel like this is snooping though. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

It's not me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dude! Just ask her.

Oh, and by the way, remember this? Think about how this post fits in with your current post.



Rayloveshiswife said:


> My wife of 20+ years and I are working on our marriage and her lack of desire for sexual intimacy with me. One thing that has come up has been me being (for the lack of a better term) a wimp. I constantly say I'm sorry for everything and will avoid making a decision if it might cause a disagreement. Reading I've done has suggested that this is a turn off for women and my wife agreed that it is for her too. I have no idea how to be assertive and stand up for myself with out stepping on her feelings or putting her down. She is very hard headed and strong willed like me. I was never aware that I was being a wimp. I was simply trying to avoid arguments and keep her happy.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Dude! Just ask her.
> 
> Oh, and by the way, remember this? Think about how this post fits in with your current post.


Wow. Thanks for the memory lane trip. Surprised you could dig that up. I've changed a lot since posting that, and while I still have work to do, that difinately does not describe me anymore. 

I good friend told me it doesn't matter why she joined. While I would love to read any post she might have written, I highly doubt it would make a difference. Fact is that our relationship and marriage is great right now and I have no desire to mess that up while I assume she joined so she could search out my posts (I don't care, I was prety straight up and honest, probably making her sound better if anything), it does not matter why she did and what her name is. I think if she wants me to know, she would have told me. Anyway, I would be surprised if she posted, she is a very private person and could never understand how I was able to post about our problems. I'm good not knowing. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

"Another mystery, dear Watson!"


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I do hope she is finding us helpful.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Ray, like WoM said you simply need to ask her. It doesn't need to sound hostile in the least. As a matter of fact it should be totally benign.

"Fact is our relationship and marriage is (sic) great right now and I have no desire to mess that up..."

Re-read the quote WoM put up and read it again. I did. You're doing the nice guy routine and passing everything off as if it were all okay, when it's not. If your relationship and marriage were so great you wouldn't be afraid to rock the boat by asking a simple question about a silly website.

Your very last comment is the most telling. "I'm good not knowing".

Obviously, you're not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Wow - I think I'd be pretty horrified if I discovered my husband had joined TAM. Mainly, because I wouldn't want him to see the comments I've made here. In lots of ways though, I do think it would be very useful for him to see just how drastically the lack of sex affects peoples' lives in general. He seems to think that we are a quite normal couple - just got married in our fifties and too old to be thinking about or having sex. Where he got this idea from, I really don't know. He seems to have quite an old-fashioned view of sex in later life, although he's a really progressive thinker in so many other areas. I would love for him to read some of the comments here from others who are struggling in celibate marriages as I think it would give him some sort of insight as to how the situation is affecting me and drastically damaging our marriage.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

She more than likely just lurks.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think it's cool to find out that your spouse is also on TAM - if you know that your marriage is doing pretty well. Then again...careful what you wish for, because maybe some of us have blinders on and don't know it.

There is at least one female poster on here that I would swear (sometimes) that she is actually my wife.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you think you have problems?! imagine what I went through when I found out my wife is on TAM and posting under the name, ladymisato!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Your all right a little for different reasons. Main reason I'm not fired up to find out is that I highly doubt she posted anything here as she is very private. I feel she probably looked up threads of mine to sort of get inside my head at a time when we were not communicating very well. It would explain how things in our reconciliation seemed to go easier in some respects than I had anticipated them going. We have a getaway planned this weekend. I will probably bring it up then if things are going well. 

Though I've come a long way. I'm a pleaser and an avoider at heart and don't like rocking the boat. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Almostrecovered said:


> you think you have problems?! imagine what I went through when I found out my wife is on TAM and posting under the name, ladymisato!


You've got to be joking..


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Dude! Just ask her.
> .


this! unless you were trying to hide something here.

I think it is EXCELLENT that she is here too. Shows she still cares.

Now if you both bumped into each other on fetlife or something...THAT would be a different story!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

top 10 reasons your spouse created an account on TAM

10) They wanted to tie up their email so you couldn't use it.

9) They want to make sure this is the safe place you claim it is.

8) They want to see what you have been posting about them.

7) They want to know if you are filing Divorce.

6) They want to read your playbook.

5) They want to see what kind of advice you are getting.

4) They are concerned about the marriage and are looking for help.

3) They see you improving and want to improve as well.

2) They just want to play the Song Title Chain Game.

1) They just want to be part of a great forum.

MN


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

hopefully her name is not:
cantstandhim
inlovewithmyex
husbandhasasmallweenie
wantadivorce

You luckily picked a good name for someone who's wife followed you on to join.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> you think you have problems?! imagine what I went through when I found out my wife is on TAM and posting under the name, ladymisato!


LOL!! Too funny! I really liked advice she gave to a couple of TAMMers a while back.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Well I asked her. Said she joined shortly after I mentioned the site almost a year ago. Was only on it a few times and can't even remember if she posted or not. She also can't remember her screen name. She gave me a few possibles, but I'll have to wait till I can get to an actual computer as I can't search the member list from my phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

So all of that wondering and driving yourself crazy for.....

nothing.

I'd say that next time you simply ask first instead of mind f'ng yourself for so long. It does nothing but a disservice to you and your marriage.

I hope you both enjoy your upcoming vacation/time together.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Regret214 said:


> So all of that wondering and driving yourself crazy for.....
> 
> nothing.
> 
> ...


Well I guess I deserved that. 

User name is MrsTeacher. She joined and never logged on. Bummer, was hoping there were posts of hers to read. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> you think you have problems?! imagine what I went through when I found out my wife is on TAM and posting under the name, ladymisato!





Blossom Leigh said:


> You've got to be joking..


He's obviously kidding. Do you really think his wife would put up with that turtle?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> He's obviously kidding. Do you really think his wife would put up with that turtle?


:rofl:

No, she would throw it into a soup


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