# anymore i can do?



## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

i dont know how much of a problem this is for anyone else but here it is.my wife was told by her doctor a few years back she has adrenal fatigue,i was there.she seems to be tired the majority of the time.which means of course that sex doesnt happen very often.i'm 33 she's 30.we have two kids 5 & almost 3.even though she has gained a few pounds over the years,i am still as attracted now as the 1st day we met.98% of the time i initiate sex.her initiating is to rub my foot with hers.thats fine but there are times i just want her to "attack" me.i believe firmly in ensuring my wife is satisfied completely when we're through,but cant help but feel a little left out.(i love to give her oral,kiss all over,the whole 9yards.) i've spoken of this a couple of times to her,but being a stay at home mom,the kids wear her out.i wish i could give her my energy,even after workin 5 12hr shifts,i still want to be with her.we go for walks from time to time,& i'm trying to make it every day.what more can i do?
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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

I've never heard of that condition, but I'm not a doctor. Fact is any mother of young children is tired. Part of that is just needing relief from the routine of taking care of kids.

See if you can get her more time away from kids. Maybe you can watch them for her one day or evening. Get a sitter and they two of you spend some time together or with other adults. 

A break from the kids can go a long way in resorting energy.

Plus, be sure you are all eating healthy and getting regular exercise. Offer to watch the kids for an hour each day so she can work out. Eating and exercise goes a long way to feeling more energetic and feeling more sexual desire.

And lastly, let her know you'd like her initiate things sometimes. Let her know this would make you feel like she is attracted to you. She may not realize you want that.

Good luck.


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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

thanks for your reply.adrenal fatigue is real.we got some books on it.its hard to stay home with little kids.mine act like they're on speed and red bull i encourage her whenever her friends invite her to go with them somewhere.even an hour out of the house can do wonders.we have a little workout plan going,but by days end she's still tired.as far as the date night deal,we try, but we dont trust a lot of people with our kids. 
as far as her attraction for me goes,since she couldnt have her fantasy baseball player (#2NYY),she found a look alike.that was her first attraction to me.here lately,she seems to be slowly coming around to wanting sex but it comes & goes.i just get tired of hearing no even after a couple of weeks with none.it's not even all about sex.i really like the things that lead up to it more,i think.thats what make's me feel good.i'm not the best communicator,like most guys,but i'm working on it,& i've told her these things.
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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I just heard about adrenal fatigue the other day! I wish I heard about it years ago, I think it makes so much sense! There are treatments... do a search online. You/she will need to find the source of the stress or cortisol overload causing adrenal fatigue in the meantime... if it a nonbiological cause (like extreme stress... which can be caused by extreme lack of sleep as well) then somehow change the situation to remedy it. If it is something medical condition then treat that. It is no joke! She is exhausted and it could begin to effect her health. 

I had adrenal fatigue in my last marriage and I ended up being diagnosed with pancreatic failure! My stress hormones were in fight or flight mode nealry everyday for 9 years! And, the pancreas has something to do with adrenals... something, butIm not a doctor... just been to so many. I left my marriage bc I believed it was only going to hasten further illness/ and death... and guess what? A month later I was healed! I removed the stressor (and I am talking extreme stress...), and the adrenals were not being overflooded with cortisol anylonger. It also helped that my daughter began sleeping through the night... she was probably getting cortisol in my breastmilk during that marriage and when that stopped all good things came.

She may not have the energy... although, I picked myself up pretty quickly when given the right environment... sex 2 times a night AND in the morning with my first post separation "boyfriend" (cant really call him a boyfriend I guess). I had gone without for 3 1/2 years and actually didnt miss it while in that marriage. 6 weeks after my daughter was born I wanted sex and my husband said he was too tired... (he actually was pissed that I had had a onesided fling with him one night 2 years earlier... meaining I had my O, and then went to sleep bc for 4 years I had given him 20-30 minutes of bj and maybe 1 minute of intercourse with no O for me... I thought 1 night for me was fair but he never forgave me). Anyway. Hope she can get over it soon. Good luck!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Give her a book to read like the Proper care and feeding of a husband. And don't "push" it, but if she doesn't read it after a week sit her down and tell her that NOT reading the book is the same as NOT making your needs a high priority to HER. And in a firm, but not angry way just tell her that it is not acceptable to YOU to put 100% of your time, energy and focus into a marriage if your wife is not going to at least make some effort. Stay calm and firm. Stay focused. And keep on topic - you gave her a book that was important to YOU and she didn't read it. After she reads it sit her down and explain how hurtful the rejection is. 

I think many wives half don't know/half don't want to know just how hurtful it is to be the "rejected" husband. 

We have a rule in my house. When asked for sex you can either say YES, or you can promise to rock the persons world tomorrow and then you follow through. 

For folks with a tough schedule, maybe it is a couple days, but it sure isn't healthy to say "no" - with no commitment as to when you will share your special, unique sexual love with your spouse. 

Once I asked my wife "does it not give you pleasure just to give ME pleasure, to see me glow"? 

And she thought it about it for a while and said "I am sorry for being selfish, I know how happy it makes you husband, when you pleasure me in and out of bed". 






bmd said:


> i dont know how much of a problem this is for anyone else but here it is.my wife was told by her doctor a few years back she has adrenal fatigue,i was there.she seems to be tired the majority of the time.which means of course that sex doesnt happen very often.i'm 33 she's 30.we have two kids 5 & almost 3.even though she has gained a few pounds over the years,i am still as attracted now as the 1st day we met.98% of the time i initiate sex.her initiating is to rub my foot with hers.thats fine but there are times i just want her to "attack" me.i believe firmly in ensuring my wife is satisfied completely when we're through,but cant help but feel a little left out.(i love to give her oral,kiss all over,the whole 9yards.) i've spoken of this a couple of times to her,but being a stay at home mom,the kids wear her out.i wish i could give her my energy,even after workin 5 12hr shifts,i still want to be with her.we go for walks from time to time,& i'm trying to make it every day.what more can i do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

I think you have to do more research on this condition and the two of you make whatever adjustments you can to make her feel better. It's hard when the energy just isn't there so you may have to take the lead on this and get the info.

I still say I'll bet diet can help. There are lots of books out there. We've been pushing for non processed food here and trying to be more organic. But it's not cheap with kids!!

Keep looking for more information and keep working on it. At least you have some answers in regards to the cause of her fatigue.

Good luck.


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## CarolineMRF (Sep 2, 2009)

I question the findings of the doctor...This may be true because a doctor has no knowledge of the sexuality of a woman...They just plain don't have time to learn this...He may check her hormones, but to delve deeper into her sex life is near impossible...Come to think of it, it is a well hidden secret even she keeps secret....


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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

thanks for the replies.as far as stress,we both used to work at a prison, but have'nt been for 2 years.it's a very stressful place, especially after 7 years.we eat right & go for walks,so that problem is being worked on.last nite i tried to initiate but whatever show was on tv must have been better.we had a huge problem 2 years ago & we're working past that.i stepped out with someone.i guess i was tired of hearing no.yes ladies,it hurts your man,when even after 2-3 weeks you still say no.i wonder just how much she does desire me.now i do all i can to make up for my mistake.she says i'm a better husband now,but sometimes she doesnt make me believe it.i know how much i hurt her,& hate myself for it.but i want her to know i'm doing all i can to do right.i'm just tired of the rejection.
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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Maybe she hasnt forgiven your extra marital activity. I dont recall seeing that in your first post. That is very hard for some women to get over and impossible for others to get over. I hope you fall in the former category, and that you both can put that behind you.


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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

i have a post about my affair in the infidelity secion called"right road".it happened 2 years ago.she is getting past it slowly but surely.we have come along way since i told her about it not too long after it happened.i was just happy she decided to stay with me.i'll never do it again.now i think i stress about it more than she does.maybe i'm just pressing the issue too much.we go on dates every so often,& other things to get closer to each other.i leave little notes,semi-erotic texts,things like that,but most of the time i get no response.i dont know sometimes what to do to get a response regarding even a hint of intimacy.i cheated,its my fault,that is probably most of the problem,but i also think her hormones are out of whack.
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I thought you said you "cheated" partly because she had been rejecting you a lot for quite some time. 

I am not making excuses for cheating. But then - if my wife was rejecting me a lot we would address it even if that meant some conflict. 









bmd said:


> i have a post about my affair in the infidelity secion called"right road".it happened 2 years ago.she is getting past it slowly but surely.we have come along way since i told her about it not too long after it happened.i was just happy she decided to stay with me.i'll never do it again.now i think i stress about it more than she does.maybe i'm just pressing the issue too much.we go on dates every so often,& other things to get closer to each other.i leave little notes,semi-erotic texts,things like that,but most of the time i get no response.i dont know sometimes what to do to get a response regarding even a hint of intimacy.i cheated,its my fault,that is probably most of the problem,but i also think her hormones are out of whack.
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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

yes the rejection was part of the reason.another part was i felt no matter what good i did there would be a negative response.so i began to ask m"why do good?"
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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

yes the rejection was part of the reason.another part was i felt no matter what good i did there would be a negative response.so i began to ask myself "why do good?" those doubts almost ended the best thing i had.i have never been a good communicator,especially when it comes to my feelings.i guess i missed that class.she is good at it.now i have rapidly learned to tell her my feelings and it is actually making things better faster.some of that comes from reading other posts on this site.too bad i didnt find this site before i did wrong,but it now has helped me make adjustments.it works.
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hmmmmm. 

If you don't mind - lets go on a tangent for a moment. In prison you see these situations where one inmate is able to totally intimidate another inmate from the "get go". Like in the first 10 seconds kind of thing. The result for the inmate on the losing side of this intimidation equation is often not so good eh? 

So now - back to marriage. Thing is that because the rules of engagement in marriage are totally non-physical, the mentally/emotionally stronger person gradually becomes dominant. I have been married 20 years and know a lot of other long term married guys. These are guys like me - well educated - good jobs - high earners. ALL of them defer to their wives. In every one of these marriages the wife has gradually become the more powerful person. 

BUT - in the happy marriages, the husband while deferring to his wife most of the time, asserts himself enough that she respects him, she is at least afraid of antagonizing him "not physically afraid". Like I will give you an example. My wife knows not to talk to me in a disrespectful tone (hey it is a GIVEN that I know not to talk to her that way) but she does it anyway. It seems like she is "testing" my masculinity on a regular basis. And so when she does that, I inflict a little verbal/emotional pain, or if needed a lot of pain. Until she stops. The thing is if you aren't careful you just avoid all conflict with your wife except when "her words", you are just being a jerk. THAT is not masculine, just, "jerky". So you have to find situations where you can assert yourself successfully in a non jerky way, and prevail. If my wife won every argument, every dispute, she would lose all interest in me sexually. I know this. This is why guys who follow the advice to help out more around the house, end up looking even "weaker" to their wives if it seems like they are just doing it to make her "want" him more. LOL - when dating you never would have tried to impress/romance your wife with your vacuuming skills. 

So the question is, how did you interact when you first met? How do you interact now? Are you still the same fun, playful, optimistic, upbeat assertive/aggressive guy she met? Or have you become more negative, and more conflict avoidant? 



















bmd said:


> yes the rejection was part of the reason.another part was i felt no matter what good i did there would be a negative response.so i began to ask myself "why do good?" those doubts almost ended the best thing i had.i have never been a good communicator,especially when it comes to my feelings.i guess i missed that class.she is good at it.now i have rapidly learned to tell her my feelings and it is actually making things better faster.some of that comes from reading other posts on this site.too bad i didnt find this site before i did wrong,but it now has helped me make adjustments.it works.
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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

you're right about the intimidation match in prison.if you lose the whole farm knows it & you will be marked.it breeds a lot of negativity,& it will follow you home eventually.we've been gone from there almost 3 years,& have slowly been getting back to normal.i dont even like to talk about that place anymore. i'm still the fun guy (etc,etc) she married.between the kids and i,we could put on a show 3 times a day,and i take her places we both like so thats not an issue.i dont like to argue,& we try not to raise our voices at each other,because theres 2 sets of eyes & ears watching.if we do,it's done behind closed doors.we respect each other,& know the limits. every house is different.i help out around the house because i like to.i had to do it when i was single,so why stop just because i'm married.she likes to cut the grass,nothing wrong with that.the problems we had were from bad choices i made,partly because i could'nt communicate my concerns.that is behind me now.we're moving forward.
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

All I am trying to tell you is this. There are a lot of things I know turn my wife on/turn my wife off. I have learned much of that on my own, but I learned some by asking her. And this is "in bed" and "out of bed" stuff. 

So I have shaped my behavior to do more stuff that turns her "on" and avoid doing stuff that turns her "off". But I also don't tolerate flat out sexual rejection. That is not nice, I don't handle her that way when she wants something so why put up with it in reverse. It is fine to not be in the mood, but "no" is not an answer. An acceptable answer is: 
"How about this weekend, or how about Saturday morning"?









bmd said:


> you're right about the intimidation match in prison.if you lose the whole farm knows it & you will be marked.it breeds a lot of negativity,& it will follow you home eventually.we've been gone from there almost 3 years,& have slowly been getting back to normal.i dont even like to talk about that place anymore. i'm still the fun guy (etc,etc) she married.between the kids and i,we could put on a show 3 times a day,and i take her places we both like so thats not an issue.i dont like to argue,& we try not to raise our voices at each other,because theres 2 sets of eyes & ears watching.if we do,it's done behind closed doors.we respect each other,& know the limits. every house is different.i help out around the house because i like to.i had to do it when i was single,so why stop just because i'm married.she likes to cut the grass,nothing wrong with that.the problems we had were from bad choices i made,partly because i could'nt communicate my concerns.that is behind me now.we're moving forward.
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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

even now as we reply back and forth,my wife and i are working out a solution for this problem.thank you for you advise.it used to take just a little something for me to turn her on,but now i have to come up with other things.some work, some dont.it doesnt take much for her to turn me on.there are times i ask for sex & she'll defer to another night,and some days i'll text her giving hints about later that night,& she'll say we'll see.to me this means the same as no,because we'll wind up doing nothing.i dont care how tired i am,i'll always give 20-30 minutes at least to pleasure her & she knows it,anytime.we have worked out a similar deal like you have recently so i'm feeling better about our situation. last night we had a date,& it was great,but by the time we got home,put the kids to bed it was too late to do anything.it didnt bother me though,because it was quality,alone time we had,& that was just as good
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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is great. And just to clarify, my wife does not have a sexual "quota" to fill - she used to - but then I grew up. And she is not here as my sexual plaything. BUT - she is courting a very painful conversation if she ignores my needs. So it is ok to not have sex as often as I want, but it is NOT ok to act indifferent. So by day 5 there needs to be some comment on her part - like - sorry - don't mean to be a sexually indifferent partner - ok if we connect on...

But it is not MY job to bring that up or to address it. 

The way I look at this is simple. My wife has a longer, much longer list of needs then I do. I insist that she take care of this one need - which is simply the need to have my desires handled in a loving and respectful manner. 

If my wife wants something badly, and I can't deliver she always gets empathy, and usually some sort of consolation prize that represents my sincere effort to meet her needs. I am just insistent that in this one area she behaves that way towards me. 

Consolation prize can be a really nice back massage, it can be an offer of mercy sex (which I usually decline). But it cannot be indifference/ignoring the situation. And it sure as heck cannot be some sharp comment implying that this is "my problem". 








bmd said:


> even now as we reply back and forth,my wife and i are working out a solution for this problem.thank you for you advise.it used to take just a little something for me to turn her on,but now i have to come up with other things.some work, some dont.it doesnt take much for her to turn me on.there are times i ask for sex & she'll defer to another night,and some days i'll text her giving hints about later that night,& she'll say we'll see.to me this means the same as no,because we'll wind up doing nothing.i dont care how tired i am,i'll always give 20-30 minutes at least to pleasure her & she knows it,anytime.we have worked out a similar deal like you have recently so i'm feeling better about our situation. last night we had a date,& it was great,but by the time we got home,put the kids to bed it was too late to do anything.it didnt bother me though,because it was quality,alone time we had,& that was just as good
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## bmd (Aug 19, 2009)

i agree with you on the mercy hump deal.there's no feeling in it.i dont have a "quota" either.i would just like to have sex at least once a week,but as i said,its not just about sex.it's the closeness & the feeling that i also enjoy.i would hope she feels the same.there has been times when the sex talk has come up,& she would say"just go in the bathroom and take care of it yourself".i say i would rather take care of her, and for me there's not a lot of fun in self pleasurement.i think after our last couple of talks though,that she's starting to see my point.
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