# Torn about ending my short marriage



## DDweller (Jan 17, 2012)

Hello - this is my first post, though I have been reading for months. I'm hoping some of the awesome people of this community might be able to guide me down the right path. I've tried posting elsewhere, and got a lot of the same responses, but I'm still torn, so I thought I'd try here.

My wife and I knew each-other growing up (And I had the biggest crush on her), lost touch, then re-connected a few years ago after the passing of a mutual friend (my grandfather). We went from talking to dating, dating to living together, living together to engaged and engaged to married in just over 17 months.

Even when I asked her to marry me, I was seeing red flags. We had massive fights, she had been verbally and physically abusive with me, had kicked me out (Or threatened to) multiple times and even gave repeated ultimatums that I needed to do this or change that or the relationship was off. Not thinking clearly, we got engaged and married, anyway.

About a year following the wedding, I had revealed to her that I had been carrying the guilt of hiding a rather large, slowly dwindling debt. We were eying the purchase of a house (I was unemployed, she makes 70k/yr) and I wanted her to know that my debt and credit would hold her/us back. The fight was massive. Things were thrown, words were said. The debts have been paid off courtesy of my new work, but she has struggled ever since with forgiving me.

These days, roughly 6 years since that first chat, and approaching 5 years of marriage, little has changed. We spend hours each week fighting - in person or (her preferred method) by text message or e-mail. I am constantly reminded that it's "her" house (as my debts prevented me from being on the mortgage) and that she hsn't forgiven me for the past. When we're not fighting, I continue to try to do my best for her or she's explaining how she loves me so much and can't wait to grow old and raise a family together.

I do routinely ask her what else there is I can do to make things better. I go out of my way on a regular basis to motivate her with her projects, help around the house, and even go far out of my way (I bus everywhere, she drives - and won't drive me anywhere without it being convienient for her) to pick things up for her on a moment's notice. In return, I am being told that I'm not trying hard enough and that she's not sure she can ever forgive me. I also regularly hear that I've gone "Over the line" (Such as meeting a work colleague for a coffee so she could help me try for a promotion) or that she thinks I'm cheating on her (I'm not).

I have heard "I want a divorce", "Get out of my house" and "I regret ever marrying you" routinely every few months for seveal years. She then begs me to stay - which I do - and promises not to say those things again. Things improve for a few weeks, then become cold, then the threats return.

This past November, afer she told me to get out - I did. I packed up a large number of my own belongings and moved into my parents basement. I wanted her to see just what her words meant. The fight was - as expected - massive. She agreed to a weekend apart, where we both worked all weekend, and she text messaged me every hour. So much for separation.

I moved some (not all) of my things back shortly thereafter. We are in an ongoing "cold" state, though, and conversation regularly happens that leads to fights. She has told me she "wants [me] to be happy but doesn't think _ will be in this relationship". She thinks that because she feels I want time for other projects. She's correct - but because I want to be able to say "I think we should buy some cookies" or "I'm going to stop at the bookstore and will be an hour late" without it being a fight.

I'm not sure what to do. I want to pack my things again and leave for good - but that seems like the wrong way to go about it. I want her to be happy - I really do - and I wish I could do that for her. But history has shown that I can't. I want to be able to talk to her, but she won't listen. I want to be more excited to see her and come home, than I am to leave for work. Divorce is looking like a good option - but i'm wondering if it's a "grass is greener" thing.

She won't seek help - I'm willing to.

I'm sorry for the long post. It's late, I'm tired, and I don't know where else to turn. It would have all come out in time anyway, better it all be up front.

Any help, feedback or suggestions are appreciated._


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I cant see you getting anywhere without both of you counseling. I dont think you have told us all what she has against you. That what happened years ago is just an excuse if you really have it behind you. You will have to stop this text message fighting. You have to stop responding. She cant very well fight on her own. Is there anyway she can also come on here to give her side of it.


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

One word ... RUN.. No matter how much you love her.. Seems to me that she has a toxic personality . Why change yourself?? To make her happy?? I am newly separated and learned that if some one doesn't love you as you are.. Then they don't deserve your love.. My stbxw never was physically abusive .. But talk about emotional abuse.. Did everything for her but was never enuf. I am a much better person now that we are apart.. I don't know if we will ever get back together .. But she has to accept me for who I am.. Not to sound rude.. But time to man up. Don't fight back.. FIGHT FOR YOURSELF !!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DDweller (Jan 17, 2012)

accept said:


> I cant see you getting anywhere without both of you counseling. I dont think you have told us all what she has against you. That what happened years ago is just an excuse if you really have it behind you. You will have to stop this text message fighting. You have to stop responding. She cant very well fight on her own. Is there anyway she can also come on here to give her side of it.


I'm not sure what it is you feel I might not be telling. While I did edit the post for length, the general seeds of what's going on are there. I'm more than willing to answer questions or clarify anything I can. I came here for help, advice and support - I have no reason to hide anything with those goals in mind. I will certainly see what I can do to see if she'll post.

So far as the text messages go, normally, I reply with "I think we should wait and talk about this when we're both at home." and get text walls of rants and anger as a result. Sometimes, I'm then accused of refusing to talk with her when and how she wanted to, and therefore, not wanting to talk at all. The conversation usually stalls there, or I'll start talking, and she'll yell, break down into tears or leave.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I thought I made it plain. What exactly has she against you. What do you have to improve. Maybe you also dont know.
Until you know what she wants how do you expect to stay on.
It cant be what happened years ago. She also knows that.


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## DDweller (Jan 17, 2012)

accept said:


> I thought I made it plain. What exactly has she against you. What do you have to improve. Maybe you also dont know.
> Until you know what she wants how do you expect to stay on.
> It cant be what happened years ago. She also knows that.


The only thing I ever hear when I ask is that she doesn't yet trust me after hiding the debts. It has years since that fight, but I am told "I don't trust you - you hid things from me for so long" on a regular basis.

So far as improvements go - what isn't there. Just today, we were grocery shopping. She has recently started a diet, and we were out of peanut butter (which she rarely eats). I grabbed a jar of my favorite kind - and was told (right in the grocery store) how insensitive and unsupportive that was, to not grab the low fat jar, when I know she's on a diet, and to not check with her before suggesting we buy any peanut butter at all, given that she's tracking meals. I kept my mouth shut and my hands on the cart from then on. She bought 2 bags of cookies.

The other day, an old friend from school was in town. We knew each other for 14 years, and still send an email back and forth at the holidays. He asked me to meet for coffee to catch up as he hasn't been in town in 7 years. I agreed, and told my wife about the plans. She seemed OK with them - heck, I even offered she come ("No, that would be awkward", she said). I came home, and was told that I had crossed a line by meeting with someone who was only friends with me before we got married and couldn't even be bothered to come to the wedding. [Aside: He got an invite, and declined while he was at sea - he's a marine engineer of some sort. He sent a gift - and it was one of the larger ones we received]

The book store story I referenced happened about a month ago. I was excited because a book she had wanted to read was out, and I wanted to buy her it for Christmas. I text messaged her: "Hey boo, is there anything planned tonight? I'd like to stop downtown for a bit after work. Shouldn't be more than an hour later than usual." Her reply: "nope have fun" [Exact copies, my messages backup to my email daily]. I got home about 45 minutes later than I usually do - earlier than I said I would be. We fought: "How dare you stay out longer than you should! Let me see your briefcase!! What were you out doing? Who were you with? Why didn't you call???" and so on.

Just the other day, it was her day to do the dishes (We alternate). She decided not to - then yelled at me at 5:30 am when the dishes weren't done because it was now my day to do them and there was a whole big pile.

I could probably go on... but I think you all probably get the idea. These don't happen every day - but several times each week. I have talked to her, and suggested she visit "an incredible message board" to read my post, and share her side. I got "BS. We don't need to be telling other people about what goes on at home. Our marriage is fine, anyway - I know lots of people with marriages far worse off than ours. And where the $*&% do you think you got the bright idea to talk to people about our relationship without checking with me". She, very intentionally, never got the name of the site or my screen name.

I want to leave her - I do. But I really want her to be happy. I'm scared that there's something not quite right with her, and me leaving will just send her into a tailspin. She won't get help - and I can't make her. You can understand, though, why the "Just pack up while she's not home" option looks appealing.

Thanks, all, for listening - even without feedback. It feels good to get some of this off of my chest. Several years "alone" is no fun.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Our marriage is fine, anyway - I know lots of people with marriages far worse off than ours*
It seems the thinks its fine. I would write down all that you think is not 'fine' about it and tell her. 
Maybe she doesnt know.


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