# Here comes the 2x4.



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

Found this site last week, and I feel like I've had a crash course in infidelity. The acronyms here are ridiculous. 

This is going to be long as I feel background information is relevant to the best course of action moving forward. 

Married for 8 years, dated for three before that, one child (D5).

I met my wife in 2003. I was in the military and was the best man at my buddies wedding in a very rural northwestern state. We were really close, but he had gotten out to move back home and get married. 

My wife was in the wedding. I am very into fitness, and I'm usually attracted to petite runner type girls, but there was something about J. She was more of the curvy type about 5'2 145. What attracted me to her (besides her looks which were amazing) was the warmth of her personality. When she would talk to me it made me feel like the only person on earth. She had just finished her masters degree and was/still is an elementary school teacher. 

We didn't hook up, but I got her number and we were in constant contact from then on. After one year of LDR we were exclusive, and during year two we were discussing her moving to be with me. 

She was hesitant to move down due to the military thing. Even though my job was very specialized (think spacecraft) and the chance of me being deployed or transferred was very slim. There aren't that many places in the world where I was useful. 

Long story short I started talking to some of the contractors that we worked directly with, let them know I was thinking about not re-enlisting, when my time was up I already had an offer doing close to the same thing that I was in the military. Pay was better, benefits and retirement, not so much. 

J was super excited. She started looking into teaching jobs in the local district, got a job immediately and that summer I was behind the wheel of a Uhaul traveling 30 hours southeast. 

I already owned my own modest home, she moved in and put a ladies touch on it and things were perfect. We were dual income, no kids, lots of trips, bedroom was amazing, couldn't get any better. 

Once she moves in with me she starts shedding her curvy physique. Mostly because she starts participating in my sort of very active lifestyle and diet.
Within a year she is around 120 and absolutely stunning. I loved her old body as well, and I put no pressure on her to change anything, but now she is more my body type.

Since I wasn't moving anytime soon, I acquired two more rental houses with my savings from the military. 

2006 we get married.

2009 D5 is born. 

2012 we buy our "dream house" which is a short sale that I spend six months renovating it after work everyday. 

2013 we move in and rent out our old house, now we have three rentals.

Life is awesome. I don't know what else more I could possibly do as a husband. I really dig family life, and find it much more satisfying than my single days.

That brings me to present, and why I'm here. 

Usually every summer I would take whatever time off I could and drive to her home state for vacation. She's off for the summer. I am much closer to her parents than my own. Her dad and I would go camping/fishing/trail riding. There's no place I would rather go. It's beautiful up there. 

This summer we were super busy and I wasn't going to get my usual vacation. We compromised. First weekend after school was out I flew her and D5 up, stayed for a couple days, flew back down solo to work. 

The separation was ok at first. We had done the LDR before. I still talked everyday and skyped with D5 at bedtime.

The longer she was up there the shorter the conversations became, and the more excuses she had for not answering the phone. I figured that it was just the stress of parenting by herself, and the lack of things to talk about since we were apart. 

So after almost five weeks I fly back up. Her dad picks me up and we make the LONG drive out to her hometown. She acted really excited to see me, but something was just off. 

We have a big party, all the cousins/aunts/uncles are there. We play poker, have a few beers. J goes to be early, and I turn in shortly thereafter cause, you know. 

That night for the maybe second time in my marriage I get turned down for sex. Her excuse is she doesn't feel right in her parents house. We stay in the guest room in the basement. Literally two stories, four doors, and 25 yards from where everybody was hanging out. Not to mention we've done it there every other day during every other summer vacation. 

No sex for the rest of the visit. When we get home we have some lukewarm starfish duty sex because there's no more excuses. 

A week after being home I start to dig, because my gut is screaming at me. 

She got a new iPad for her birthday, and is on it like I've never seen before every night. Sitting in the corner of the living room every night where I can't see what she's doing. Usually we're on the coach together snuggling, watching tv, out just talking and enjoying each other.

By luck I adopted her "old" iPad. Last week (last Thursday exactly) I click on the facebook app. She's still logged in. 

Old boyfriend. It started two weeks before I flew back up there. Very small town. They ran into each other while she was out catching up with her girlfriends. 
All the messages are there. It started out innocently with him saying it was so good to see her after all these years. Then he was complimenting her cause she looks fantastic now. Then it was remember that one night etc. etc. Leading up to present where she's having a full on sex chat every night. 

I took screenshots of everything that was on there the night I found out, and I forwarded them to my work email.

I've barely maintained my composure. Inside I'm a wreck. I think she can tell that something is off. Since Monday she's been deleting her chats every night. 

However, my new nightly routine is after dinner and putting D5 to bed I wait until she starts chatting on the iPad. I then take my iPad into my office/man cave/workout room. I start lifting and listening to music. Between sets I choose a new song take screenshots rinse and repeat. When I've had enough I email them to work and go to bed. 

She has graphic chats about what she's going to do with him when she's up there again, about what they used to do, and for some reason she bashes on me and I've done nothing to deserve it.

Reading the chats it's obvious it hasn't gone physical yet. As far as I'm concerned it doesn't matter. This is a betrayal like I've never felt before. Deal breaker.

The worst part is that this guy is a douche canoe. Drives a snow plow in the winter, road construction in the summer, married to a big ol farm girl, and has a two year old that looks like Joe Dirt. I'm sure he was a football stud in high school, but he looks like a big out of shape dude now. I'm not tiny at 5'8 182, but I wear size 34 jeans run 5 miles everyday and lift every night (a lot more this week).

That's about all I can stomach to write at this point. Feels awesome to get it off my chest as I haven't told a soul since Dday. 

I've read a lot of threads on here, and I've got a plan for a confrontation that I'll post when I can. In the mean time I'm keeping my eyes and ears open mouth shut and acting like everything is hunky-dory. Meanwhile I'm dying inside.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Consider taking those postings you haved and post them on Facebook for everyone to see. That will break her affair fog faster than the ice bucket challenge.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sorry to hear.

good luck.


my advice is to see an attorney see what your rights are and what your looking at before a confrontation. and after your confrontation expose him to his wife.


----------



## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

This is bad news, obviously, but not to late to change the dynamic.

First question: why? Surely you have a theory about that. It might be simply that she's hooked up with an old flame but usually there is more to it than that.

I think you should confront her before it goes physical. Once that bridge is crossed things get uglier fast.


----------



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

Double post. FML.


----------



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

She has/had some sort of weird dynamic with this guy. I get the impression from before all this that he used her and then dumped her in high school. I think him falling all over himself for her has been some super ego boost. 

I'm not perfect either. Most of the time I'm the "fun" parent and she ends up being the bad guy with D5. I get preoccupied with taking care of the rentals or working a lot of overtime and I'm not always there because of that. 

When I'm stressed I get ornery and I like to go in my room and work out and be left alone, but within an hour I'm back to normal again. 

I'm also fairly organized and don't like it when the house isn't a certain way, but I try not to show that I'm upset and usually fix whatever's bothering me myself. 

I'm not trying to dispel any fog. I'm so mad right now I'm just thinking about ram-rodding a favorable D through before she figures out what's going on.


----------



## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

IMSAFAN said:


> I'm not trying to dispel any fog. I'm so mad right now I'm just thinking about ram-rodding a favorable D through before she figures out what's going on.


You'll get plenty of advice from others on that option.

You've revealed some flaws in your marriage. It could be that she's resentful that you're not giving her enough attention. Then, when someone else does, things click for her.

Was it ever your impression that she was resentful of you beyond the normal spousal complaints?

Maybe she is indulging herself with his attention without actually intending to get physical. What prevented her from getting physical last visit?


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Sorry your going through this crap. 

You say you just found this site last week, but you've been a member here since May....why is that?


----------



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

Toby, 
I registered in May and cruised the sex in marriage section. Things weren't bad back then, but were pretty "vanilla". Probably mostly on my end. Frequency was still good, maybe just routine? 

Didn't come back until last week and "discovered" the coping section. 

Maybe the routine bedroom is a root cause? I didn't get any complaints from her though...


----------



## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

IMSAFAN said:


> Maybe the routine bedroom is a root cause?


Very unlikely.


----------



## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

IMSAFAN said:


> Toby,
> I registered in May and cruised the sex in marriage section. Things weren't bad back then, but were pretty "vanilla". Probably mostly on my end. Frequency was still good, maybe just routine?
> 
> Didn't come back until last week and "discovered" the coping section.
> ...


Cool. About the messages.....who initiated the sex chats? Any "I love you's" or future plans together?
Is this really a dealbreaker?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tobyboy said:


> Sorry your going through this crap.
> 
> You say you just found this site last week, but you've been a member here since May....why is that?


Boom.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ladymisato said:


> Very unlikely.


:iagree:

You mentioned some of the things you did and said. What are some things she does and says to you that makes you think something ain't quite right?


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Before you confront get your fiances in order for protection....


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

This is a lot like what happened to me. I caught it very early, told her fine you can date whoever you wanted to. We had gone together through college. She got a funny look on her face, and said she still wanted to see me too. I laughed and said that wasn't going to happen. All of a sudden urban cowboy didn't look so good and that was the end of him.

I think you have enough to confront her now and knowing it wasn't physical, hit her over the head with it and see what she thinks of being sent home to momma and her boyfriend. You will know shortly if this is just some idiotic fantasy or not.

You need both the books listed below asap. Also available at amazon for immediate download.

Do not let her take kids out of state.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> This is a lot like what happened to me. I caught it very early, told her fine you can date whoever you wanted to. We had gone together through college. She got a funny look on her face, and said she still wanted to see me too. I laughed and said that wasn't going to happen. All of a sudden urban cowboy didn't look so good and that was the end of him.
> 
> I think you have enough to confront her now and knowing it wasn't physical, hit her over the head with it and see what she thinks of being sent home to momma and her boyfriend. You will know shortly if this is just some idiotic fantasy or not.
> 
> ...


Bingo.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Nip it early.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

The good thing is you caught this early. Now what you do from here on in is the vital part.

You must confront this issue hard on. Spare no remorse. If you share joint finances clean out that account. Then expose the affair with the proof you have.

Do not let her gas light you or guilt you. Remember it was her choice to be unfaithful, and she will try to guilt you into believing it was your fault.

Only through taking a hard stance and calling things on your terms can you decide if you want to get rid of her for good or possibly give reconciliation a chance.

However i do know one thing, if you rugsweep this it will eventually become worse.


----------



## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Well, unfortunately you are not the first and not the last men who's wife fell for a bad boy (while you are being busy building prefect life for her). 

What's unusual is how quickly she went astray given the first opportunity (5 weeks apart). Out of sites, out of mind? Or is there anything else?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Ah, the reuniting with old high school love affair. Been there, done that. The only difference was that in my situation, my fWW didn't do the sex chat thing...she's too much of a prude for that, even with OM. Anyway, it progresses like this:



F-102 said:


> It may have gone something like this:
> 
> They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"
> 
> ...


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

You MUST confront her NOW! Don't fall for the excuses; we were only joking, just a fantasy, I'd never cheat on you, he's an old friend, but I'm not attracted to him, I flirted because you never pay any attention to me, I'm so lonely all the time, I got carried away after not seeing him for so long, and so ad nauseum. And don't think she won't be gas-lighting the whole sordid mess. Lots of luck to you.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

The other variable here, unless I misunderstood you, was that he dumped her. Some people really get hung up on that and carry a torch for that person for years. I suppose it's got something to do with wanting what you can't have.

I had this happen to me with an ex-girlfriend that I dated in college for a few years. She wanted to get married and I didn't have those kind of plans for her and I broke it off.

A few years later, as I used to travel to her city on business a few times a year, she would occasionally find out I was going to be there and make herself available to me. I got the sense that she was trying very hard to win me back and I just wasn't interested anymore. 

It's almost like she couldn't let it go or wanted to win me back so she could end it on her own terms. It was weird. Well, she gave up after a while and that was that but it always amazed me how some people seem to pine for those they can't have or carry some kind of torch for those that broke their heart or crushed their ego. I'm sure it's one or the other. The strange thing was that we fought all the time so it couldn't possibly be that she thought we had something good but who the heck knows.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Sorry your going through this crap.
> 
> You say you just found this site last week, but you've been a member here since May....why is that?


Still hasn't answered this..choosing to ignore it maybe, there fore I'm out


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> The other variable here, unless I misunderstood you, was that he dumped her. Some people really get hung up on that and carry a torch for that person for years. I suppose it's got something to do with wanting what you can't have.
> 
> I had this happen to me with an ex-girlfriend that I dated in college for a few years. She wanted to get married and I didn't have those kind of plans for her and I broke it off.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

As the OMPOS dumped her she never got a conclusion. Thats why they conected. But take it this far is a choise!!!


----------



## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

*Re: Re: Here comes the 2x4.*

Think he has answered? 


IMSAFAN said:


> Toby,
> I registered in May and cruised the sex in marriage section. Things weren't bad back then, but were pretty "vanilla". Probably mostly on my end. Frequency was still good, maybe just routine?
> 
> Didn't come back until last week and "discovered" the coping section.
> ...


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

thummper said:


> You MUST confront her NOW! Don't fall for the excuses; we were only joking, just a fantasy, I'd never cheat on you, he's an old friend, but I'm not attracted to him, I flirted because you never pay any attention to me, I'm so lonely all the time, I got carried away after not seeing him for so long, and so ad nauseum. And don't think she won't be gas-lighting the whole sordid mess. Lots of luck to you.


Cheaters try to justify their actions in 2 ways:

TT (tricked truth) Trying to minimise what it dont telling you the whole truth, they say is to protect you from hurt (cowards).

As you have solid proof, maybe you don’t need to know if there is something more (PA, previous affair, etc) but IMO she must come clean for everything as a way to accept full responsibility for it.

BS (Blame sift) In their minds they already have rationalized their marriages (to make them unbearable, rewriting them, bringing up situations from long ago, etc) to justify why they are cheating. So they cheated because of the BS previous and on going behavior.

Cheating is a choice not a consequence! 

Even if your marriage was not good there are other ways to fix it (communication, MC) or leave it (Divorce). She chose to cheat.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> The good thing is you caught this early. Now what you do from here on in is the vital part.
> 
> You must confront this issue hard on. Spare no remorse. If you share joint finances clean out that account. Then expose the affair with the proof you have.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Act ASAP, there is not reason for waiting! The long you wait the worse you get hurt by watching this proof.

Exposure, this is a very effective way to slap her out of fog (fantasy land where the affair is just right in their minds). Letting family and friends know there is no way cheaters could find support by telling other version (BS). Very important to expose to OMW.

Confront her, say that you know everything. Never reveal your sources, never!!
These steps must be applied if you want to try R or go for Divorce.

IMO, when confronting her you must say that you want to divorce her. Even if you don’t want to, bringing this up it will slap her out the fog. IMO as you seem to have a good marriage, this all happened because she took you for granted, so this way you can make her realize what the reality about her actions is. Note that when bringing this up you should be prepare for divorce, there is a chance that cheater could say that this is exactly what she/he wants.

IMO at this point you must not make any choice about R or D, you must wait to see her reaction and how you really feel about it.


----------



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Boom.


And indeed, _Boom_.

But, looks very plausible and legit...
:scratchhead:


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> Still hasn't answered this..choosing to ignore it maybe, there fore I'm out


He said he came here originaly because of the change in their sex life that turned out to be the result of an ea.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> He said he came here originaly because of the change in their sex life that turned out to be the result of an ea.


thats right. post #9


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

If divorce is what you want then get all of you ducks in a row (finances, lawyer, housing, etc.) before you expose. If you're looking to try to have her repent and somehow make it up to you then stop the masochism of reading their e-mails each night. Confront her and expose him to his wife and whomever else you think needs to know. That would certainly be her family for the next time she visits.

Good luck,

Seasalt


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

A few thoughts...

1) Why are you just letting this go on? Makes no sense to me. If it's such a deal breaker, just expose it and be done with it. 

2) I would say to decide soon if reconciliation is possible. If so, get hopping on it. Otherwise, get it over with and move on with your life.

3) What are your plans on all this?


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Be sure to expose far and wide.

Have her get tested for stds.

She was away and you can't be sure that nothing happened.


----------



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

Wow. Didn't expect so much feedback. I'll try to answer most of the questions. 

No I love you's or future plans, besides what they plan on doing when she's up there again. I think he is more emotionally attached than she is. 

Maybe this is some fantasy to her to string along the guy that dumped and hurt her?

I'm really close to her dad and was thinking that I should casually ask about this guy to try to get some of the history. 

There will be absolutely no confrontation until I talk to a lawyer and protect my finances. The plan for today while work is slowish is to get an appt with a good one. 

I was in a mad divorce phase last night. Today who knows how I'll feel.


----------



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

Seasalt,
Maybe it would be better not to read the messages. I'm just afraid of missing something.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

IMSAFAN said:


> There will be absolutely no confrontation until I talk to a lawyer and protect my finances.


:iagree:

I would keep doing what you’re doing to determine for sure if it has gone physical yet (you said it has not but more evidence is better) and to see if she plans to actually take this EA to a PA. (i.e. booking a motel etc.) 

If you confront her with proof of an EA she will say it was a fantasy and was never going to be a PA. It was just fun talking about it. No big deal. You will be the bad guy for breaking up the family over a little naughty chat.

If you want to R it will be much easier for you if there was no PA. Don’t cut it too close so that she has a PA right before you confront. 

Then you need to decide what you want for you and your kid. 

You might want to tell her that you’re going to DNA test the kid just to shock her. It will demonstrate how her actions have shaken the foundation of your marriage and trust. Confront her with divorce papers even if you want to R.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would talk to her dad and then tell him what she has been doing. I would have a one way refundable airplane ticket to hand her when mom and dad got off the phone with her. Tell her she needs to make a call now or divorce will be filed as soon as the lawyers can do it. Isnt Texas a no alimony state if there is infidelity?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If it was me i would go straight to the other man wife and then watch the chips fall as the other man calls your wife...

In short let the other man do the confronting.

I would tell the ...no show the OMW the text, tell her about the lawyer and the up and coming divorce and your soon to be talk with your father inlaw.

I think this plan is a one stop shop, burn the OM, confront the wife and exposing to FIL....


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Only tell the other mans wife does three things.

In the end, your wife calls her dad thinking you already said something, there by exposing this crap her self.

Confronts you about the up and coming divorce.

And losses the OM when he tries to cover his own @ss and save his marriage.

Hell alls you have to do is sit back and watch.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would also tell the OMW that you plan on taking her husband to court for allienation of affection and plan on taking everything he has.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

IMSAFAN,

It was wise for you to hold off confrontation until you get your ducks in a row. So many BS's are not able to do that. No one could blame you for heading straight to divorce and not looking back.

But even if you think there's a chance that you would consider R, the initial path is the same. Talk to an attorney, start the D process and formulate an exit strategy. Then confront her.

Your mindset should be that you will follow your exit strategy to the end unless or until she gives you reason to consider "delaying" it. And that only reason would be that she demonstrates unconditional remorse, is willing to accept consequences, and is willing to do the heavy lifting to save her marriage. 

But before that happens, she has to understand what it feels like to lose her husband for cheating on him.

As for as consequences; she sends him a no contact letter that you read and approve; you expose her to your family and her family. You expose him as well. Find out if he has a SO. Consider putting him on cheaterville.com.

You will accept nothing less than complete transparency and accountability for her time going forward. Then wait and watch what she does. Don't be in any hurry to R, if that's what you decide to do.

Good luck. Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

IMSAFAN said:


> Wow. Didn't expect so much feedback. I'll try to answer most of the questions. Got your back as it were.
> 
> No I love you's or future plans, besides what they plan on doing when she's up there again. I think he is more emotionally attached than she is. I suspect it is both ways.
> 
> ...


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her bashing you, is her justification for what she is doing

You said she has not been physical with him---how do you know nothing was done, while she was alone on her vacation----are you basing your knowledge on their texts??????

Do get a bulldog for an atty---but prior to that, go on google, go to your State's family law codes, and read everything---then you will be knowledgeable about what you are facing, and may wanna do-----such as if you do D, your 3 properties, have you brought them into the community, or did you state to her they are separate property---lots for you to learn and think about

When you do confront---be very icy cold---NO EMOTION ALLOWED---------also in the beginning---have your consequence right UP FRONT-----let her know D is on the table as of right now

Contact your wife's lover's wife, and let her know what her POS husband is up to---contact your wife's parents as to what is going on---do not forget they are your child's grandparents and they need to know what is coming down around them

Whether you R or not---you must be hard as nails in the beginning, let her know this is your ballgame to be played by your rules---if she doesn't like it---to bad---if she perceives weakness in you----she will know she can cheat and get away with it--------good luck to you whatever way you go


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

IMSAFAN said:


> Wow. Didn't expect so much feedback. I'll try to answer most of the questions.
> 
> No I love you's or future plans, besides what they plan on doing when she's up there again. I think he is more emotionally attached than she is.


I believe this has just started, that’s why you should act ASAP to don’t let it get bigger. As much as you let this affair grow while you are watching it will be harder to R.
Of course you need to get legal advice fist, just don’t wait too much.



IMSAFAN said:


> Maybe this is some fantasy to her to string along the guy that dumped and hurt her?


Yes, she is in fantasy land, is called the fog, but it doesn’t mean is less serious.



IMSAFAN said:


> I'm really close to her dad and was thinking that I should casually ask about this guy to try to get some of the history.


IMO don’t do it, I just don’t see the point. The only info you need about POSOM is his wife phone number and email address to expose.

When exposing you should include her family, blood is thicker than water.



IMSAFAN said:


> There will be absolutely no confrontation until I talk to a lawyer and protect my finances. The plan for today while work is slowish is to get an appt with a good one.


Get more than one with different lawyer; I believe if they see you then can’t see her. Some have free first hour.
Ask advantages, if any, of filling on infidelity. And if it admissible the proof you have.



IMSAFAN said:


> I was in a mad divorce phase last night. Today who knows how I'll feel.


The thing is that you have a kid with her so you two will be attached for a long time, married or divorced.

You need to go nuk about exposing/confronting but just enough to slap her out the fog, then upon her reaction you can decide to R or D.

You can get some ideas about exposing from wranglerman and droog threads.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Whether you R or not---you must be hard as nails in the beginning, let her know this is your ballgame to be played by your rules---if she doesn't like it---to bad---if she perceives weakness in you----she will know she can cheat and get away with it--------good luck to you whatever way you go



/\
|
This

Make no assurances of R, even if that is your goal. Put the ball in her court to prove to you she is worth taking back after such a betrayal.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have evidence. 

Print it out and leave it on the dining room table.
Tell her to make a choice immediately between marriage and divorce.

IF she chooses marriage, you tell her the first thing she has to do is write a no contact letter for you to review and send to the piece of crap. And to give you all passwords for phones, facebook and everything else. The minute she resists, you revert to this means divorce.

If she chooses divorce, then tomorrow expose the affair to everyone she knows as well as the OM's wife.

There is a 7 step plan somewhere about killing affairs. Search for it.
Do this all with a plan, along with the understanding of why each step is necessary.


----------



## IMSAFAN (May 21, 2014)

Had a very quick chat with an Atty. He seems good. Only does family law on behalf of men. 

I keep a spreadsheet at work of all my assets, liabilities, calender of when bills are due, balances on all accts, paydays for both of us, when I get rent from each house, basically my whole financial life in three tabs on excel.

I keep it on my desktop of the work computer, and I update it every morning before I get going. 

I sent the spreadsheet in, and he set up a meeting for next Wednesday to sit down in person and give me best case/worst case scenario, and give me a rundown on how things work in this state. 

I will not confront before this meeting. I don't want to threaten divorce, have her say "ok sure" and then end up with a race to the bank in the morning. I'm not rich by any means, but I've built a pretty nice life for a guy with a high school education. I'm not ready to lose anymore than I have to. 

If R does happen I still think it's a good idea to start to isolate myself financially just in case. 

Until Wednesday I'm going to keep my happy face on and try to keep an eye on facebook without torturing myself too much.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

IMSAFAN said:


> Had a very quick chat with an Atty. He seems good. Only does family law on behalf of men.
> 
> I keep a spreadsheet at work of all my assets, liabilities, calender of when bills are due, balances on all accts, paydays for both of us, when I get rent from each house, basically my whole financial life in three tabs on excel.
> 
> ...


You are doing well imo.
You are right don't make empty threats just actions.
Stay strong.
R will be on YOUR terms not hers.


----------



## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

IMSAFAN said:


> Had a very quick chat with an Atty. He seems good. Only does family law on behalf of men.
> 
> I keep a spreadsheet at work of all my assets, liabilities, calender of when bills are due, balances on all accts, paydays for both of us, when I get rent from each house, basically my whole financial life in three tabs on excel.
> 
> ...


You have time to make a plan, exposing email, how to confront, get more info, etc.

How r u doing? 

You need to ate well and try to sleep.
Excersise will help as well.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

This is another example of why I am not a fan of Facebook or most social media. People do and say things that they would never do and say in real "face-to-face" meetings. I am not big on waiting to confront a spouse who is actively engaged in these kinds of activities, but my heart goes out to you for sure. Betrayal is one of the worse things to go through - in many ways it is worse than the death of a spouse. The guy/girl on the other side of the country always looks better? Why? What is it about humanity that finds it so difficult to be satisfied? I believe it is spiritual in nature and I believe there is only one answer for it - Jesus. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


----------



## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

WolverineFan said:


> This is another example of why I am not a fan of Facebook or most social media. People do and say things that they would never do and say in real "face-to-face" meetings. I am not big on waiting to confront a spouse who is actively engaged in these kinds of activities, but my heart goes out to you for sure. Betrayal is one of the worse things to go through - in many ways it is worse than the death of a spouse. The guy/girl on the other side of the country always looks better? Why? What is it about humanity that finds it so difficult to be satisfied? I believe it is spiritual in nature and I believe there is only one answer for it - Jesus. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


I believe it is because happiness and contentment come from within, from doing the right things and treating people as you would yourself (Golden Rule stuff). Most people look for things outside of themselves for happiness, which always disappoints and is a constantly moving target.

I also agree with your solution but the answer to your question is that people often look in the wrong place to discover happiness and don't find that out until they've made a mess of things.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

IMSAFAN said:


> She has/had some sort of weird dynamic with this guy. I get the impression from before all this that he used her and then dumped her in high school. I think him falling all over himself for her has been some super ego boost.


This is exactly what happened with my stbxw and her AP. She was obsessed with him in HS, even carved his initials in her thigh - scars are still there.  He never paid her any attention, or did then blew her off. 15 years later he waltzes into the bar she works at, turns on the charm, next thing you know he's banging my wife in his truck, then a months long affair.

Wow.

Man - so sorry you are going through this. Don't rush into R after you confront. My problem is, and the reason I'm divorcing, is how can you ever trust her again? You know it's going to go physical.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Here comes the 2x4.*



Healer said:


> She was obsessed with him in HS, even carved his initials in her thigh - scars are still there.


W... T... F...

Wow, bro. How did she explain THAT the first time her jeans came off for you?

/end tj


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> W... T... F...
> 
> Wow, bro. How did she explain THAT the first time her jeans came off for you?
> 
> /end tj


Exactly that. "There was this guy I was obsessed with in HS and I carved his initials in my leg."

Talk about the writing on the wall (or leg, as it were), huh? I'm sure he loved seeing that all these years later.

Wow, triggering here.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

IMSAFAN said:


> Found this site last week, and I feel like I've had a crash course in infidelity. The acronyms here are ridiculous.
> 
> This is going to be long as I feel background information is relevant to the best course of action moving forward.
> 
> ...


Bashing his wife and kid is not helping. You are selecting the wrong targets.

See your lawyer, find out what your options are.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I would talk to her dad and then tell him what she has been doing. I would have a one way refundable airplane ticket to hand her when mom and dad got off the phone with her. Tell her she needs to make a call now or divorce will be filed as soon as the lawyers can do it. Isnt Texas a no alimony state if there is infidelity?



I did not see where he said he was in Texas but we do not have alimony. Only short term spousal support if she can prove she needs it. 

We're also no fault. However, infidelity can play into a beneficial financial division.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Ceegee said:


> I did not see where he said he was in Texas but we do not have alimony. Only short term spousal support if she can prove she needs it.
> 
> We're also no fault. However, infidelity can play into a beneficial financial division.


Sure wish I'd lived in Texas when I divorced. California sucks for a man dumping an unfaithful wife.

Regardless, I am sorry the OP is in this situation. Props for being organized.

Get flinty about everything and do as your lawyer suggests.

Reconcile or not, but make sure she knows how much she is losing for a loser.

Don't let her sidetrack the issue by her anger at your snooping. She will make it all about your failings as a husband and accuse you of being controlling.

It's in the cheater script.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

IMSAFAN said:


> Had a very quick chat with an Atty. He seems good. Only does family law on behalf of men.
> 
> I keep a spreadsheet at work of all my assets, liabilities, calender of when bills are due, balances on all accts, paydays for both of us, when I get rent from each house, basically my whole financial life in three tabs on excel.
> 
> ...


Its been proven here over and over, this is a huge mistake. The lawyers will tell you not to expose. You will read more messages. The damage will be too much. Lawyers are for divorcing, if you want to save your kids marriage jump on thiswith both feet asap. There is nothing to gain by delaying and everything to lose.

If you do want a divorce, stick with this plan. If you want to consider reconcilliation, do your best to destroy this ea now. Call her parents and then confront her directly.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

IMSAFAN

Sorry you're here. I find your reaction to wifes affair to be nontypical in the sense you already have the mindset that we try to impart upon other guys in your situation. It often takes a betrayed husband longer to process such a traumatic occasion and arrive at the "2x4 solution" than you have. 

How long has it been since D-day? How did you get this familiar with the proper cheater response protocol since D-day?


----------



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Agreed with all those on the 'Kill It Now' train.

IMSAFAN, if your wife is being like this with this guy _now_, and only after such a short time, then you will not be able to handle it at all if it goes physical.
And unfortunately, as always with affairs, regardless of how good you are, how great you are, what your career is, it will mean nothing to your wife because all the cards will be stacked in the OM's favor - he's got a Royal Flush, basically.

I'm sorry to hear of your, what sounded like a great marriage and happy situation - and many others like these on this Forum - mainly because my situation was probably polar-opposite of most that I read here.

And it kind of embarrasses me...


----------



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hi IMSAFAN.

I want to know:

1. If she turned around tomorrow in her FB messaging and told this guy that nothing can happen between them, would you be open to salvaging your marriage?

2. Say if you did raise it with her and call her out, and she confessed and turned into a blubbering mess and agreed to end all contact and seek counselling and be honest with you, would ou be open to salvaging?

Whether you are open to salvaging may direct the nature of your confrontation with her. 

If you have already decided it's over, well it's up to you but if i were you i would sit down and explain that you are leaving, that things clearly are not what you thought they were, and that you know about your contact with *********.

If you are open to reconciling or may base this on her response, maybe you could put the question to her, ie, "how are you feeling about our relationship?" "is there something wrong?" "is there something you need to tell me?", see how she responds to the more open ended questions, you might get a sense of how well she has prepared to lie or whether she crumbles and opens up. Or you could just go straight to the jugular and say you have transcripts of all the messages they have exchanged and could she please explain to you why she is doing this. Using broader questions at first may test the waters to see whether she will be forthcoming, whereas if you go straight to the black-and-white evidence, you won't know if she confessed in the end because she was backed into an absolute corner or if she felt morally obliged to.

It is good that you are getting your affairs in order and finding out what your options are if you do go down the path of divorce. 

I'm really sorry you are going through this and i hope your wife chooses the higher road if you are open to repair of your marriage

Peace

QuietSoul


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Its been proven here over and over, this is a huge mistake. The lawyers will tell you not to expose. You will read more messages. The damage will be too much. Lawyers are for divorcing, if you want to save your kids marriage jump on thiswith both feet asap. There is nothing to gain by delaying and everything to lose.
> 
> If you do want a divorce, stick with this plan. If you want to consider reconcilliation, do your best to destroy this ea now. Call her parents and then confront her directly.


I agree with Chaparral here.

I would say once you get all your financials protected. I would suggest just taking out the money you think is right and fair to do and attack this EA head on. 

Expose to everyone, show them everything and watch as the troops ( your wife and this other man ) retreat in panic.. Then chase them down and kill them psychology with their backs turned.. 

But you don't need months of prep for all of this.. 

I'm in law enforcement. I have a friend that used to be a defense attorney for the city. He eventually left the city and went private. I turned to him a few times for things and turned him on to other people that needed him at the time. He does a bit of everything but of course mostly criminal defense stuff.

Nonetheless, when I needed a divorce lawyer he pointed me towards this guy. His answer was just like I say if I wanted a defense lawyer I would go to him. He tells me, he would use this lawyer if he was getting divorced.. So I did. He wasn't that cheap at 7k. 

Here is the kicker.. I negotiated the whole divorce deal with my ex and her lawyer.. If I left it to him and his comments of this isn't gonna happen. She won't agree to this lines.. I would have been screwed.. 

Today I gave my wife 55k , My kids live with me and hopefully on Oct 29 she will pay me child support as I just petitioned for it. I don't see anything that could stop it, but again you never know and get that.. 

So my long winded point is what Chap said.. Lawyers don't make money on $100.00 consultation fee's.

I think of the new Planet of the Apes movie.. Basically one chimp backtalks ceasar and then ends up touching his hand for forgiveness and submission. 

This is how a reconcile has to start sometimes, with the wayward in submission. 

I have seen many people come here with a lot of bark but no bite.. Many plans and ideas but no execution or fail the execution.

The attack has to be fast and swift.. You need to make sure that no one ( your wife or this other man ) has zero time to recover after your initial attack. 

But you're doing very well for what is going on in your life ATM.


----------



## Arioch (Jul 9, 2013)

I just discovered my wife in an affair and I didn't really think about it all. I attacked with the evidence I had immediately. Right or wrong it was in my heart to do so. She was exposed off guard and tried to lie and lie her way through it making her even more exposed. After that all I could think about was how to reconcile and that brought me here.

I agree that if divorce is your Plan A and you are holding it together then follow the advice of your attorney. If you want a future together you hit this hard and get good counselors to help you move forward. Read about the 180 and someone sent me a link to a great article that had four absolute things that must happened for reconciliation. I printed it so don't have the link. It is on this site. 

Of course this is only a week in for me too so I don't know how this will work for me or anyone else. Its just what my heart says. Above all stay strong!!


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Arioch---if you are bound and determined to R----that does not mean you can soft-pedal the R----You MUST be hard as nails about everything for a good period of time----IF YOU ARE NOT, YOUR WIFE WILL KNOW THAT BASED ON HOW YOU HANDLED THIS SITUATION, THAT SHE CAN CHEAT, AND YOU WILL TAKE HER BACK, SO SHE WILL CHEAT AGAIN

Her trip into and, thru the beginnings of R, MUST SHOW HEAVY REMORSE, AND ACCOUNTABILITY---she cannot just go back to her cushy pre-A lifestyle----she has to know and be involved in HEAVY HARD CONSEQUENCES, or as I said, she WILL CHEAT AGAIN---and this time you won't even know about it, cuz she will be deep underground-----be very wary how you carry out the early part of your R.


----------



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Someone left the building already?


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I think he said today is when he is supposed to meet his attorney, I hope he comes back with an update.
He might confront her tonight , I know I would .


----------



## SAH (Apr 14, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Ah, the reuniting with old high school love affair. Been there, done that. The only difference was that in my situation, my fWW didn't do the sex chat thing...she's too much of a prude for that, even with OM. Anyway, it progresses like this:
> 
> Originally Posted by F-102
> It may have gone something like this:
> ...




This is a carbon copy of my wifes EA !!


----------

