# Military Infidelity (Part 2)



## Bouncingbull (Jun 10, 2017)

Hello all, it is now time for an update. After a week of separation, we finially had a conversation over dinner at a restaurant. He was denying the entire time throughout the week despite me telling him that I have evidence and he needs to think it through before we talk. What made me realize that he needed to take this more seriously was him continually bragging about what he did with this girl to his single friends and coworkers -- even while still separated. That was just a sign of disrespect and a slap to my face. Not once did he mention his family walking out on him and that he is alone. When someone did notice and ask, he said that we were just visiting my father. Sadly, that did not seem to be a red flag to anyone, despite him just arriving home, that we were just in the hospital for our son, and that it was Father's Day weekend. When I mentioned that was the reason for the separation, he immediately conceded (while still denying) saying that he will move out and that we can move back in with full financial support without the use of lawyers. I told him that this is a separation and not a divorce. I want this to work out, which is why we need to meet up to discuss things.

Finally, when we had dinner, I went around my talking points and we especially discussed what I knew. My biggest mistake is reluctantly revealing that I bugged his phone. I should have used the PI angle. He was stunned and speechless. He said, "I have to hand it to you, I have to accept this as a knockout. This will forever haunt me that I messed up this marriage." He then took his phone apart and left the battery out. He admitted defeat too quickly and I called him a wuss for caving into defeat like that. I was trying to wake him up. If he does love me like he says he does, then he should fight for me. Instead, he was admitting defeat, proposing to move out while insisting that we move back in, saying that he needs a new phone and his own phone account, and that we will be taken care of financially for the rest of our lives. When I asked him about his future family, he says that will never happen (which I highly doubt). He was then considering going active duty.

We still love each other though. I told him that if he truely does love me that he would have never done that or at least stop the relationship once it crossed a certain boundary. He admits that I caught him at his worst and that he "just likes hitting on chicks." I told him that is is beyond flirting and that she was technically his girlfriend for the time being of that trip.

Dinner finally got to the point that we did not want dessert. I was drunk and vulnerable thinking that it was over, so we walked around to sober me up. I was shocked that I got to a point (which I never had before in my life) where I wanted him one last time. That was pretty scary and intense. He told me not to worry that we will have plenty of chances in the future since he will take care of me still. We then got my things at my parents, left our son with the sitter overnight, and went home. Unfortunately, it did happen while at home. So I was stupid on a couple of occasions during this date which makes me more powerless. I never experienced that side of me before. In the morning, my husband says that he wants to try to work it out, so he is still in the house. Throughout the weekend we debated the phone situation and it is still not resolved, so he still has no phone. We agreed that he can get a new phone, but I also told him that if he separates himself from the phone bill, then he needs to separate himself from the marriage and move out. I think that he just wants to sweep this under the rug and move on. We need counseling or to talk with a pastor, or something to help repair our marriage. We do not trust each other at all and I am still wounded. He promises that this will never happen again but I highly doubt it. Is there any hope for this marriage or should I just use this time to refocus on my career? Any advice? Thank you.




Original Post:

See "Military Infidelity" post


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopefully you learned a few things from this 'date' the two of you had. Do not go out to dinner and drink when you have something this serious to deal with.

Now you have lost your ability to verify since you gave told him that you bugged his cell phone. He has you where he wants you. You are completely financially dependent on him. He is getting a new phone so he can go right on cheating and bad mouthing you. 

You also have no leverage because you won't take a hard stand.

Is this really the way you want things to be? 

I do think that you need to refocus your career because he is not going to stop cheating.


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## Bouncingbull (Jun 10, 2017)

Thank you for the harsh yet honest criticism. I needed that. There were definitely a lot of lessons to be learned that I cannot take back. I was very nervous and desperate to leave my parents house. It was not a supportive enviornment despite them offering it. It was way too txic. I was afraid to breathe there. I was also so surprised how dumb that guy was about his phone being tapped. I should have contained it despite wanting to be truthful myself since I am done with us lying and hiding things from each other. Nonetheless, that was not the time to do so. I also am too wishful that he would repent and that we could be a family again. Maybe this family is done and I just need to accept it. I am firm about him leaving if he separates himself from our phone bill. That says that he does not want to change so I have to follow through with that when it happens. Thank you!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bouncingbull said:


> Hello all, it is now time for an update. After a week of separation, we finially had a conversation over dinner at a restaurant. He was denying the entire time throughout the week despite me telling him that I have evidence and he needs to think it through before we talk. What made me realize that he needed to take this more seriously was him continually bragging about what he did with this girl to his single friends and coworkers -- even while still separated. That was just a sign of disrespect and a slap to my face. Not once did he mention his family walking out on him and that he is alone. When someone did notice and ask, he said that we were just visiting my father. Sadly, that did not seem to be a red flag to anyone, despite him just arriving home, that we were just in the hospital for our son, and that it was Father's Day weekend. When I mentioned that was the reason for the separation, he immediately conceded (while still denying) saying that he will move out and that we can move back in with full financial support without the use of lawyers. I told him that this is a separation and not a divorce. I want this to work out, which is why we need to meet up to discuss things.
> 
> Finally, when we had dinner, I went around my talking points and we especially discussed what I knew. My biggest mistake is reluctantly revealing that I bugged his phone. I should have used the PI angle. He was stunned and speechless. He said, "I have to hand it to you, I have to accept this as a knockout. This will forever haunt me that I messed up this marriage." He then took his phone apart and left the battery out. He admitted defeat too quickly and I called him a wuss for caving into defeat like that. I was trying to wake him up. If he does love me like he says he does, then he should fight for me. Instead, he was admitting defeat, proposing to move out while insisting that we move back in, saying that he needs a new phone and his own phone account, and that we will be taken care of financially for the rest of our lives. When I asked him about his future family, he says that will never happen (which I highly doubt). He was then considering going active duty.
> 
> ...


You basically played into his hand.

1. Why are you having sex with this man who has disrespected you so much
2. This was not a heat of the moment thing for you so stop making excuses for your lack of willpower, you actually went to your parents house to get your things
3. I am not surprised he treats you the way he does, as you allow him to
4. Dont you have any self respect? He is basically telling you, you can be his kept woman while he is allowed to go around and **** other women? :banghead:

Please wake up! You have also revealed your hand, you have not a leg to stand on, he has you in his hand and can treat you whatever way he wants from here on out. You didn't listen to a word anyone said on here. *sigh*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Bouncingbull said:


> Thank you for the harsh yet honest criticism. I needed that. There were definitely a lot of lessons to be learned that I cannot take back. I was very nervous and desperate to leave my parents house. It was not a supportive enviornment despite them offering it. It was way too txic. I was afraid to breathe there. I was also so surprised how dumb that guy was about his phone being tapped. I should have contained it despite wanting to be truthful myself since I am done with us lying and hiding things from each other. Nonetheless, that was not the time to do so. I also am too wishful that he would repent and that we could be a family again. Maybe this family is done and I just need to accept it. I am firm about him leaving if he separates himself from our phone bill. That says that he does not want to change so I have to follow through with that when it happens. Thank you!


You call him dumb but it was you who gave him the information on the phone bug that he desperately wanted so now you haven't any way of checking on him.Then you slept with him.
Now you are giving him another meaningless ultimation.
And you call HIM dumb.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bouncingbull said:


> Thank you for the harsh yet honest criticism. I needed that. There were definitely a lot of lessons to be learned that I cannot take back. I was very nervous and desperate to leave my parents house. It was not a supportive enviornment despite them offering it. It was way too txic. I was afraid to breathe there. I was also so surprised how dumb that guy was about his phone being tapped. I should have contained it despite wanting to be truthful myself since I am done with us lying and hiding things from each other. Nonetheless, that was not the time to do so. I also am too wishful that he would repent and that we could be a family again. Maybe this family is done and I just need to accept it. I am firm about him leaving if he separates himself from our phone bill. That says that he does not want to change so I have to follow through with that when it happens. Thank you!


To be honest, with what you have found out with him using the phone tapping, you should insist on 100% transparency from him. That includes that he allow his phone to be tapped. 

You cannot reconcile without 100% transparency from him. I agree that at the very least he has to stay with the same phone provider. There is no reason for him to even get a new phone. All he has to do is to reset the phone to factory settings to get rid of anything you installed on it.

He should allow you to install at least keystroke trackers on any electronic device he uses. 

As I said earlier, you need to get back into your career so that your choices are not living with your parents or living under this rules.

He said that he would take care of you forever. I find that amusing. My ex, son's father, told me that too. He is a serial cheater. Do you know what that meant. At his most generous moment, he offered me $300 a month. The is a doctor who earns mid 6 figures, and his generous way of taking care of me and our son was $300 a month. My lawyer filed the divorce and I got half of his income until I found another job (we had moved for him to join a new practice so I had no job). 

Men who are at fault make this promise of supporting you forever all the time. It's a ploy. In the end, if you do not stay with him, he will give you no more than the court tells him to.. and he will fight that. You will most likely only get some child support after the divorce is final.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Bouncingbull

You had sex with him. He had sex with a bar fly in Poland. He has probably cheated on you before this as well. 

You need to get an STD test asap. 

Do you really want to stay with this man? Why?

By the way, since you slept with him, you cannot now use adultery as the reason for a divorce or any other action. By law, if you sleep with your spouse and you know that they cheated then you have legally forgiven them. 

He probably knows this and so worked you to have sex with him.

How quickly can you get a job? 

If you file for divorce now, you will get child support and spousal support until the divorce is final.

Have you even talked to a lawyer about your situation?


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

I'm not in the majority on this I see but wouldn't be so hard on yourself for having sex with your husband. You desperately want to love him and him back so I can see why you did it. 

If you were a male who is being betrayed you would have been slaughtered for playing the "pick me" game. He wants to boost his ego playing the field and you are allowing his to do it all while in the safety of a committed relationship. You cannot change him. You can try but he first has to be sorry for his actions and damage to your marriage. 

You need to implement the 180 and file for divorce. He wants to play...let him but don't be his enabler by sticking by him and allowing him to drive the narrative. Stop letting people assume everything is ok. Tell them the truth. "My husband is a cheater and wants to chase tail and I cannot live in a marriage that way". 

Talk to a lawyer as others have suggested.


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## Bouncingbull (Jun 10, 2017)

Wow, I really did mess up and shoot myself in the foot this time. I am sick in the stomach by this. Maybe there is nothing to be done but to leave him? I was seeking advice despite my mistakes, especially some advice to whom I am dealing with. I guess all that I can do is to just bite the bullet and divorce him? I am sorry to disappoint. Thank you.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He will eventually concede to having a phone on your current plan but he will also just obtain a burner phone that you won't know about and can't track.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bouncingbull said:


> Wow, I really did mess up and shoot myself in the foot this time. I am sick in the stomach by this. Maybe there is nothing to be done but to leave him? I was seeking advice despite my mistakes, especially some advice to whom I am dealing with. I guess all that I can do is to just bite the bullet and divorce him? I am sorry to disappoint. Thank you.


Please forgive me and others for what appear to be harsh responses. I'll speak just for myself here. My concern is for you. My posts are not meant to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself. They are simply statement of where you have put yourself.

But there is a silver lining here. You still have plenty of choices. You can pull back and change your response. People who are betrayed tend to ride an out of control roller coaster. You are on that right now so go easy on yourself. 

No divorce is not all you can do. It's probably your best option. But if you truly want to reconcile your marriage, you are going to have to take a very hard stance with him. 

We don't want to see you hurt more and for him to put you through more of a hell than he already has.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

honcho said:


> He will eventually concede to having a phone on your current plan but he will also just obtain a burner phone that you won't know about and can't track.


My thought exactly. Some people are incredibly naive about monitoring phones and giving a spouse access to a phone. It means absolutely nothing. If anything, it is a way to make the BS feel secure. But it is false security with all the different communication methods available today.


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## JustTheFacts (Jun 27, 2017)

His core is rotten. Divorce him.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

A phone is not gonna keep him from cheating. I went thru several years of this with my W. But what a phone could do is reveal his activities to you with the right software. But you revealed your source so he won't make that mistake again. 

Stay or go, its up to you. But protect your health, your safety, and your self-esteem. Don't put it past an AP to show up at your door with a gun. Remember Amy Fisher and Mary Jo Buttafuoco?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bouncingbull said:


> Wow, I really did mess up and shoot myself in the foot this time. I am sick in the stomach by this. Maybe there is nothing to be done but to leave him? I was seeking advice despite my mistakes, especially some advice to whom I am dealing with. I guess all that I can do is to just bite the bullet and divorce him? I am sorry to disappoint. Thank you.


I am sorry BB, but the posters are all well meaning. You need to stop the 'oh woe is me' stuff and look at the facts and come up with a plan, otherwise months/years down the road you will regret your lack of tenacity and planning now.

Of course you are hurt and wounded, (we have all been there/still there at some point) but you need to be doing what is best for you right now.

Your WH is the enemy and this is a war, do not be taken in by him and his sweet talk, etc. This is not the time to be vulnerable.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MAJDEATH said:


> A phone is not gonna keep him from cheating. I went thru several years of this with my W. But what a phone could do is reveal his activities to you with the right software. But you revealed your source so he won't make that mistake again.


Majdeath is correct. Cell phones have only been around for 20 years or so (not counting the big clunky ones from the 90's that didn't have texting or WiFi capabilities and were JUST for calling and nothing else). Before that, people still managed to cheat JUST fine.

I have to agree with those who are scratching their heads trying to figure out why you disrespected yourself and 'had to have' this remorseless, lying, cheating, manipulating fraud in your bed after his pathetic little melt-down at the restaurant. What a fantastic way to reward a lying *sneak* for his **** behavior - have sex with him - which sends the message that no matter how much he disrespects you, you'll still stick around for the pathetic crumbs he's tossing you.

Such a bad message to send. 

Seriously.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Bouncing

If you grew up like me, then for you, marriage is about loyalty and trust. About putting your spouse above and before. About having your spouse's back. Infidelity (real, virtual or intended) rips this to shreds. But it doesn't change the fact that you are still conditioned to think about your husband this way, and assume that he is thinking the same. Yes, many of us think what you did was very ill-advised. But the reality is that we have zero emotional attachment to your husband. Based on what you've told us (and our own experiences), we don't believe him and we certainly don't believe in him. But there is a big part of you that desperately wants to do both of these things. 

So I would cut yourself a little slack. Looking back and deeply regretting your actions and decisions is useful in that you can learn from them. But you need to look forward now. At the moment, you clearly should not and cannot trust your husband to treat you or your marriage with the respect, commitment and honesty that he should be. You already know this - from clear evidence you collected, his own (ongoing) behaviour and your own intuition. The thing that needs to change right now is that you need to start treating him like someone who is behaving as he is. Look at him without rose-coloured glasses on. Look at his actions, read the words he has used behind your back and act accordingly. 

Right now, you feel like you've lost the only way you have of telling whether your husband is cheating on you. That is not true. You had already used the phone bug to confirm what your intuition was telling you. Now you know that your intuition was right. Would even more evidence of his deceit, his disrespect and disregard somehow convince you to act differently? 

The one thing that I can share from my growth through my husband's infidelity is that empowering yourself, taking ownership for your own ambitions and goals (rather than just trusting that hitching yourself to your husband's wagon will get you to where you want to go) is healthy - whether you stay married, file for divorce and then reconcile or just divorce. So yes, absolutely do look at developing your career. 

In contract negotiation, it is sometimes helpful to define your walk-away position before you go in. If I were you, I'd spend some thinking about what your husband needs to do to regain your trust and respect. What is non-negotiable for him to to even have a chance at the reconciliation that he seems to think he is entitled to? Getting rid of those friends who encouraged his behaviour. Confessing to close family and friends whose opinions he values and apologising to you in front of them. Those would be on the list I would start. If he is serious about wanting to reconcile, then you can require things of him that would measure his actions and behaviour. (Polygraphs, GPS tracking on his phone and vehicle, keyloggers, passwords to all his devices etc.) A refusal to submit to any of these is already a very good indicator of whether he is currently still cheating or intending to cheat. 

Thoughts with you, Bouncing.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Whatever you do, don't read my recent story in the ladies lounge. You will trigger.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey BB, 

This is what struck me and you to a degree. 

He was ready to just leave when caught. No remorse no shame. A wow I didn't think of that(phone being bugged).

He doesn't love you like he should as a husband. Yes he cares for you and will provide but he is not in love with you and the first time he finds someone that engages with him. He is gone.


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