# Normal to regret it?



## Shelly1816 (May 3, 2021)

Hi all,
New here so thanks for having me.
I have been with my hub for 21 years. We have 4 kids together.
However, for a long long time I have not been in love with him or sexually attracted to him. He has always made me feel like I have to have sex with him, almost bullies me into it and so it became a chore, not something I enjoy. But we do get one really well and day to day family life just works, we never argue, the kids are happy and have everything they want.

I went through and a period of very bad mental health with anxiety and depression, and now I'm out the otherside of it, I feel like a different person. I also got fit, lost weight, started a new career etc. This has meant that I feel I've grown away from him even more.

I stupidly started talking to other men, one guy in particular and met with him last week. Hub found out and obviously feels devastated and betrayed.....just to clarify nothing happened with this guy, but I can't deny I didn't want it too.

Hub left last night and went to a mates house. We decided space to think and decide what we want would be good.
But I am so conflicted. I care about him so much, he's been in my life for 21years. And this has broken him, he loves me so much. I feel like such a selfish bad person and every part of me just wants to tell him to come home. But on the other side, I'm still never going to be attracted to him after the bad sexual history and long to be with a guy I want to have sex with. I had kids at 21 and got with him when I was 17, part of me feels like I've missed out on so much and I don't want to just settle but this is all killing me and him. Feel like screaming.
Is it normal to regret and wonder if your doing the right thing?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

How much of your story is you re-writing history to justify your cheating with the other man. Because no matter what you tell yourself that’s what it was. 
I feel sorry for your husband because he’s in the worst country in the world when it comes to how men are treated after a divorce with regards to child custody and support.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some 42% of marriages fail in the U.K. for various reasons.

Some reasons make sense. Your reason is a common one.

It often is called that _Mid Life Crisis._

Another future life is demanding your attention.
Call it, _Your Life, Part II_.

You love your husband but are not in love with him, acronym, YLYHBANILWH.

Oh, and....
Your _Kraken_ wants sexual release.

Divorce, don't cheat.

Be amenable and fair during and after the divorce.




_King Brian-_


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sounds very much like a mid-life crisis, fair enough you want to sleep with other men, missed out etc. Your feelings are real and that’s ok.

Don’t string him along, nobody will ostracise you for wanting what you want. But do it fairly. And tell him exactly what you’ve told us, truth can be brutal but at least he won’t spend the rest of his life wondering why why why. Let him go swift and fair so he can find someone who wants to jump his bones and then DON’T change your mind when he finds this. 

You sound like you’re in a great place, career and health etc so everything should be fairly easy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If you don't love him and you are not attracted to him, what's the point of being with him? Separate, divorce and live your life. These things happen.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You can't have it all....

Either decide you want old, duddy reliable shlub you married that you have no desire to eff, or dump him for the guy you want to jump...

Your situation isn't uncommon....Women don't pay enough attention to sexual attraction in a partner and trade that for security, stability, money or whatever...Plus another thing that I noticed is that a lot of women don't like other women going after their man, so they pick types that no other women want....It works for a while, then it doesn't...

Do what you want, but it's likely to not get any better if you get back with him.,..


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Be fair to him in the divorce, that is my advice. 

Let him get on with his life without a wife who isn't attracted to him and who cheats dragging him down.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@hamadryad I think she’d be shocked to discover how many women will want him and have wanted him... and that shock will come much, much later.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Think about the children as well, they will have their world rocked.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Think about the children as well, they will have their world rocked.


The husband is now out of the house, who knows if he will ever come back? That ship is already under full sail. 

I suggest making the divorce as quick and painless as possible and trying to co-parent effectively.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Shelly1816 said:


> He has always made me feel like I have to have sex with him, *almost bullies me into it*





Shelly1816 said:


> And this has broken him, *he loves me so much*.


These statements are contradictory. One does not bully a person they love. Did you feel loved when he was browbeating you into submission?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> These statements are contradictory. One does not bully a person they love. Did you feel loved when he was browbeating you into submission?


She said "almost"... but we get the drift... he doesn't love her... he loves his ****.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If you're married to him, a lot of us believe that unless you have a physical condition that prevents you from doing so, you have an obligation to have sex with him. Except in very rare circumstances, a sexless marriage where one spouse wants sex is a broken marriage. Cut him free and let him move on. However, when you find out that the grass is not always greener on the other side, don't come slithering back to him expecting him to say that all is well. Don't play with his heart.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

All good men end up harassing their beautiful wives for sex- especially when they're young and dumb. Is that really worth ending a marriage over?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Husbands are being abandoned left right and center by women going through their mid-life crisis. I'm 50 and it's happened to quite a few couples that I know. Just realize that the grass is greener where you tend it and grass that seems oh so lush on the wrong side of the fence is rife with runny manure.

You want to leave a man who loves you to scratch that itch. Go right ahead. Don't cheat, divorce him and go collect that oats being spread. Just don't come crying and begging to your ex-husband when you find out that you have become an animated blow up doll to silver tongued men out for a bit of target practice. Oh, you'll have sex from demure to toe-curlingly deviant with abhorrent and down right disgusting right there in the mix. You are in the lucky position that as a woman who would be willing, men would swarm to you like flies to freshly grilled steak.

You will also find that these men would not see you as marriage material. You may be kept as a live in for a couple of month to a year or so while in the meanwhile becoming the model of rot and depravity to the people who used to love you, used to respect you. By the time you realize that the path the immediate feelings of lust has lead you down was the path to perdition, you would realize that you could be alone and unloved between 100 "lovers", because it was Eros you were chasing while you had all 6 other types of Greek defined loves at home with Eros there as well, just aching to have been watered by yourself, but you watered that passion for the strange.

Now alone in a crowd only passing you along like a waning rubber doll, you long for the love you had from your children and husband, but they don't even respect you anymore.

Once you walked that road and went outside of your marriage through infidelity or divorce, don't try crawling back to your husband. After his heart recovers from being shattered, he is literally going to have his eyes opened by how many women in the neighborhood would like a loyal family man such as him. He'll find that one that is better than you and while still nursing wounds from where you ripped out his heart, a sliver of the heart he has left will beat to the rhythm of true love with the woman who he deserves and who loves him.

Don't go poke your nose back in his business once you have run the gamut you are so willing to run right now. Accept the consequences of those choices and if it's ultimately cats and a small flat for you then so be it. Own up to the consequences of acting out the lies of your hormones to your own peril or stick to the marriage that has served you and will bloom again if you'll let it.

If you leave, never darken his door again even if you decide it's just for a quick bit of fun, no one would know about. Your husband can read in your eyes that your body is not his anymore even after a brief encounter. The male gut instinct is a powerful thing. We Ignore it to our peril, but I know mine has yet to steer me wrong.

Decide now which road you will travel and stick to the decision. Be kind to him in the divorce and disappear out of his life for all practical purposes or fix the marriage.

You have a choice to make. One path will shatter a good man, but with help can put him on a great path. You however will have high excitement and then later the flat and the cats with no respect from your piers or family and plenty of whispering behind your back like "just make sure to lock up your men when she's around" while hubby gets a young lady who adores him and is at least 10 year your junior.

The other split in the path, should you so choose leads to a man who actually knows and loves you, will see the young you no-one else knows even if the folds of time do their best to hide it from the world. That is the spell of love, but you have already shown him cracks he can now see by meeting with that other man and your husband is starting to notice the greying hair he would not have otherwise paid any attention 2. Only with work can your image be restored in his eyes. This is the wholesome path, not the easy path and down that path with work and a bit of counselling a love that will transcend the physical death of one of you can be re-invigorated.

Don't chase butterflies of the stomach when you have a lion ready to roar and protect you right there in your own home. You will regret it and that is the kind of regret that destroys lives, prime of which for you will be yours.

OP, you are contemplating speeding up that silver-lit road that speeds you away from love and family, that will show you pleasures while at the same time chewing you up and spitting you out, leaving mere disgusting and disgusted left-overs once it has run it's cycle. It advertises great excitement and it delivers at the price of your very soul.

Rather look at the man you have and remember without the goggles with the distortion lenses you have crafted to justify the decision you long for due to utter selfishness and you will find the bad things you have conditioned yourself to believe about him may indeed be anything but bad and at worst a bit of a quirk, nothing that cant be lived with, changed or endearment found for.

It's up to you now OP, you have the power to determine the future of your actions. Just remember that by exercising that power, you give it away to the persons you forsake. Most people use that power to shut all doors they previously held open for you, even those you didn't know about - permanently.

You always loose so much more than what you bargained for. Tread very carefully. Your husband might already have decided that he doesn't see a future with you due to your meetup with OM 1 and would rightly disbelieve your words and profession that nothing happened. Who knows what that little fire is about to burn to cinder. You should not play with hellfire!

I wish you luck in what you choose, because no matter who or which path it is, just remember butterflies may be strange fireflies that often lead panting young ladies off high cliffs at night.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Shelly1816 said:


> I have been with my hub for 21 years. We have 4 kids together.
> However, for a long long time I have not been in love with him or sexually attracted to him. He has always made me feel like I have to have sex with him, almost bullies me into it and so it became a chore, not something I enjoy.


He's been bullying you for sex for 21 years? That seems unlikely.
As far as him making you "feel like you have to have sex with him..." Sex is a part of a marital contract, you actually do have to have sex with him. I don't know why so many people think that's negotiable after the fact?

Having said that, how often did you talk to him about those feelings? How often have you tried to talk about what you need regarding sex. If he was floored by your attempted indiscretion, my guess would be not that often. Are you unattracted to him, or simply attracted to the idea of sex with someone else? You have four kids with this man and he loves you and the rest of your marriage seems sound, with one obvious exception - you. 

You reinvented yourself and the next step is reinventing your life apparently, I'd be very cautious about that, the rest of your life doesn't seem to be a problem. If there are other issues, you should articulate them. Frankly you do sound like you're trying to justify your urge to betray your family.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Think about the children as well, they will have their world rocked.


I think she’s about to do her whole family a great favour 😉 These people follow a pattern long before they even start going down this path, I’d say the kids have been grieving their lack of a nurturing mum for a long time and she’s about to free them all. It’s her chaining everybody down, not the other way around.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

You don’t care for him as much as you care for yourself. 

So, you’ve been through some bad times and the ‘new’ you wants to go and play. Was your husband there to help you through those times or was he the cause of them?

Why is it that you no longer feel attracted to him?

If you are really that unhappy then you should divorce. Everyone has a right to be happy. People have correctly said to divorce him before you start playing around. That is the proper way to do it and shows you at least have some integrity and decency. Playing around whilst still married just makes you, well, a tramp to be honest. I would say the same to your husband so it is not a gender thing.

Please drop all the ‘I’m so conflicted’ bull. You have obviously checked out of the marriage. You are not so conflicted that you wouldn’t break up your family, devastate your kids and husband and take half of the assets. Are you going for alimony, child support etc? Just be honest with him. He will not like it but you at least owe him that.

I find it difficult to relate to you or like you as, to me, you come across as callous and self centred in your original post. This may be because of the style in which you write or because there is more to this story than we are being told.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shelly1816 said:


> Hi all,
> New here so thanks for having me.
> I have been with my hub for 21 years. We have 4 kids together.
> However, for a long long time I have not been in love with him or sexually attracted to him. He has always made me feel like I have to have sex with him, almost bullies me into it and so it became a chore, not something I enjoy. But we do get one really well and day to day family life just works, we never argue, the kids are happy and have everything they want.
> ...


Just let him go, you don't love him romantically and are not attracted to him. No one on earth would want a marriage like that unless they were holding on for nostalgia sake. You can't build a marriage on guilt and nostalgia. Stop trying to reanimate a dead corpse, you are both going to just end up in more pain.

Just like you with him, you are also not irreplaceable. He will get over it and maybe be happier for it. Maybe this next person will want to have sex with him. 

Be prepared because it's a rare men who isn't going to want to have sex with you, and that will be after the butterflies and unicorns go away. And if the guy you're with doesn't want to have sex then you are really in trouble.

And besides Bill is like the 5th richest man on earth. (Just kidding).


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Dictum veritas, I bet there are a lot of people out there who wish they had read your post before taking the path they did. How many times have we seen WS find that grass is not greener?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Harold Demure said:


> Dictum veritas, I bet there are a lot of people out there who wish they had read your post before taking the path they did. How many times have we seen WS find that grass is not greener?


Thank you and to answer your question more often than not, my cheating ex harpy from 20+ years ago being one of them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Harold Demure said:


> Dictum veritas, I bet there are a lot of people out there who wish they had read your post before taking the path they did. How many times have we seen WS find that grass is not greener?


Are you saying she should stay in a loveless and sexless marriage?


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Are you saying she should stay in a loveless and sexless marriage?


Marriages are not like Bic pens, disposable and utilitarian, but ultimately valueless. Advising people to treat them as such is dangerous and a Mid-life crisis is no reason to dispose of one.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Marriages are not like Bic pens, disposable and utilitarian, but ultimately valueless. Advising people to treat them as such is dangerous and a Mid-life crisis is no reason to dispose of one.


In your opinion, she should suffer for the rest of her life just for the sake of it? Because of a piece of paper? The marriage is dead. The husband's gone.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Shelly1816 imagine if roles were reversed and your H was out there thinking about trading you in for a shinier model, how would you feel?

You sound self centered and totally lacking in any introspection. You have kids with this man, built a life with him, of course it is not going to be all roses and butterflies. Just because you got fit and lost weight doesn't mean that far away fields are going to be greener either. have you actually done anything about your flagging marriage, discussed it, considered MC, weekends away, etc.? 
You have a very superficial take on life. It would be much better if you worked on your inner woman and became a person who didn't think it was ok to go out and flirt and see what is out there and instead reflected on what she already has and who she ought to be as a role model for her kids. 
What will you do if you H thinks to hell with this disrespect and thinks he can get a younger better model and decides he wants a divorce?


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Marriages are not like Bic pens, disposable and utilitarian, but ultimately valueless. Advising people to treat them as such is dangerous and a Mid-life crisis is no reason to dispose of one.


Did you read the part about the husband now being out of the house? This is no longer just her choice to make.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

aine said:


> @Shelly1816 imagine if roles were reversed and your H was out there thinking about trading you in for a shinier model, how would you feel?


Not playing the devil's advocate, but if my wife stopped having sex with me and didn't find me attractive any more for whatever reason (actually, I know the reason), I would be happy to let her go. In fact, this is what's happening to me right now. "Existing" in a marriage is no way to live. Living with a person who doesn't desire you and stays with you just because he/she feels obliged is wrong. Of course, what the OP did is wrong too, so it's time to move on.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> In your opinion, she should suffer for the rest of her life just for the sake of it? Because of a piece of paper? The marriage is dead. The husband's gone.


She shouldn't have treated her marriage as disposable to start with.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dictum Veritas said:


> She shouldn't have treated her marriage as disposable to start with.


How do you know she did? I guess you didn't read the part about him bullying her to have sex and the bad mental health, anxiety and depression...


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I learned some new things today.....

1)ALL "good" men wind up harassing women for sex.....

2) its a foregone conclusion that no matter the circumstances, you are bound by a marital contract to give sex...and its non negotiable....

3) If a woman has lost attraction for a man and will never get it back, then she better come to terms with that, have sex with him no matter how dreadful, and live in a loveless and dispassionate marriage because the only possible alternative is to be passed around like a Thanksgiving turkey and live in a dump with some cats...

Sheesh....c'mon, really??

Agree with the poster above....A marriage contract should not doom someone to a life of misery and someone shouldn't be immediately shamed without knowing all of the details...Everyone hopes to pick the one and only person that checks off all the boxes and goes on to live happily ever after, and sometimes even what worked one day, doesn't 5 or 10 years later...While it's wise to try to work it out if possible, its also better to cut bait then spend the rest of one's life un happy and unfulfilled..


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> @Shelly1816 imagine if roles were reversed and your H was out there thinking about trading you in for a shinier model, how would you feel?
> 
> You sound self centered and totally lacking in any introspection. You have kids with this man, built a life with him, of course it is not going to be all roses and butterflies. Just because you got fit and lost weight doesn't mean that far away fields are going to be greener either. have you actually done anything about your flagging marriage, discussed it, considered MC, weekends away, etc.?
> You have a very superficial take on life. It would be much better if you worked on your inner woman and became a person who didn't think it was ok to go out and flirt and see what is out there and instead reflected on what she already has and who she ought to be as a role model for her kids.
> What will you do if you H thinks to hell with this disrespect and thinks he can get a younger better model and decides he wants a divorce?


A wonderful post and bit of advice.

I totally agree, _in principle._

That said, I think OP and others like her are not marriage material. 

You assume that she can see the errors in her thinking and stop this destructive (to her marriage) thinking.

I am a cynic here, hence, I think she should let her husband go, and that would allow him to find a more compatible and loyal partner.

Her own words define her in dark and mottled tones.

Life is too short for gambling (either way).

May a _Good Spirit_ guide her properly.
For all involved.



_Are Dee-_

I


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

For heaven’s sake In Absentia, have you read all of the posts in this currently short thread before jumping all over my post. My first post clearly said everyone deserves happiness, advised divorce if she was not happy and asked if there was more to this story than first appears.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> How do you know she did? I guess you didn't read the part about him bullying her to have sex and the bad mental health, anxiety and depression...


Seems to me he was most likely voicing his pain and hurt from her with holding physical intimacy and she takes that as bullying. Hell she just might have felt a wee bit of guilt for that and that just pissed her off more because she for a brief moment possibly felt bad about herself for acting that way toward her loyal hubby who has been with her and supporting her through her mental health, anxiety and depression....


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