# Seeking advice and perspective



## myus3rnam3 (Jul 8, 2012)

Hello,

I am posting because I have reached a point in my relationship with my wife that I don't know how to deal with. I don't know if this is the right thing to do but I hope so. I guess what I will do is describe the situation as well as I can.

My wife and I have been married for two years. We have known each other for about 6 years. We met during our last year of school and had an unhealthy, drunken sex based relationship which "ended" when we went our separate ways for work after school. That year was hard on her. I am an alcoholic and have a self-destructive personality and I essentially used her. I do not think I am a bad person but I know I caused her a lot of pain then. She was, for whatever reason, infatuated with me and I took advantage of that. My attitude was essentially "I didn't ask her to like me" so I didn't feel accountable for her emotional well-being. I regret feeling that way now, but it's the truth and possibly an important part of the story.

We stayed in contact, usually via drunk phone calls from me to her. I grew to rely on her being there for me when I was feeling down. In the beginning I was still using her, I think. As things continued, we would occasionally fly to visit each other which, for me, was primarily about the opportunity for sex. At this point I was still not deeply emotionally invested and consequently still caused her pain.

As time went on, I guess I started to wise up. I came to see the damage I was doing and made (and am still making) an effort to be better. This might sound stupid and it is a massive over-simplification, but I honestly came to love her in a very sincere way. I regret the damage I did, I wish I had been wiser. I respect her perseverance and patience through that hard time.

I eventually asked her if she wanted to get married. She assented and I moved to where she worked to be with her. Living together required massive adjustments and we struggled all the way. In the beginning we had fights daily and after a year the frequency was reduced to something like weekly with hugely destructive arguments about every month. What I mean by "hugely destructive" is one of us leaving, threatening divorce, saying amazingly hateful things, etc... And my greatest shame is that I have been physically violent on a number of occasions. I have historically tried to rationalize such abuse to myself and her. It is true that the situations when violence occurred were always awful hateful situations in which both of us felt quite a bit of pain and despair. However, these times have been deeply scarring to my wife. I have come to understand that there is no amount of rationalization that could make what I did alright. It was wrong and if it had continued, I'm sure she would have left me.

Since those times, we have moved, bought a car and a house and started to see a marriage counselor. I know how awful I have been and see in myself the capability to be awful again. I know that I must never allow that to happen. I have been trying hard to keep an eye on my darker self and handle things more maturely. I have made a lot of progress.

Now, here is where my confusion enters. Historically, I have been such an unbelievable monster that, in the aftermath of most conflicts, I was clearly in the wrong. I would apologize and try to change. Succeeding to some degree in that, we now find ourselves in conflicts where I am not wrong. I mean that literally. More often than not, I play a big role in escalating things etc, but certainly not to the point that I am _clearly_ wrong and, on occasion, I do nothing wrong and afterwards it is clear to both of us that she was being an ******* for no apparent reason. Here's the difficulty: when that happens, she is unwilling to recognize her role. She still expects me to apologize to her and feels hateful towards me until I do. She has explicitly told me that she does not feel remorse and that she feels she has a right to punish me. I understand that whoever may read this might think that I have it coming to me and that might be true, but a relationship cannot be built upon a foundation of revenge. I honestly regret the awful things I've done and the pain I have caused my wife. I understand that such scars don't heal easily. I understand the need for me to be careful with my thoughts and actions if I won't this marriage to succeed. She also understands these things on a philosophical level but, when things get tough, she becomes a ruthless, cold-hearted person. That fact alone is not what bothers me so much; to be sure, I am capable of the same. My difficulty is that she rarely reflects on what has happened and therefore doesn't learn how to maybe not repeat the same mistakes again.

This has been going on for a while. Whatever everything I've admitted so far may lead one to believe, I am a deeply compassionate person. I am also selfish and capable of being a monstrous *******, but underneath it all, I love my friends and my wife in a deeply emotional way. My wife is not; and I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with that, she is who she is. However, I do think it is wrong when she decides that the emotions I feel (say, sadness) mean I'm weak and she mocks me for it (say, calls me spineless). I feel that she is emotionally abusive and I think that is in part due to the fact that she was raised in an emotionally abusive household. However, I am a deeply emotional person and particularly vulnerable to this type of abuse. I feel deeply hurt by her bare hatred and hurtful words. In the end, I feel empty and helpless. We have discussed these things and, in moments of clarity, she understands the pain she inflicts and sincerely expresses a desire to act differently. But I'm learning that she is not like me. Those sincere desires fade after a day and things progress in an identical way the next time.

Upon writing all of this, I recognize that I'm being incredibly vague and there's no way one could get a clear feeling of the context I'm trying to describe. I feel depressed. I'll post this anyway. Maybe, if anyone bothers to read this, they might ask for clarification on some point and I could try to do that.

Thank you to anyone who made it this far. I really appreciate it.


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