# Going to a conference with fWW



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I have dilemna. My fWW and I are 15 months post DDAy- hanging on. I don't want to go into all of it, many of you know the past. She had a LTA with a co-worker. She has since changed jobs, as has he.

So she still has to travel some for her new job. We have rules about it, like no eating dinner with one male, no going out for drinks socially after meetings, only one drink per day, etc.

We also have a rule, that if she goes someplace fOM may be, that I go with her. I went to Chicago last summer and just hung out, worked out and got work done. He was not there.

This issue is that in a month or so, she has to goto a big conference in her field and all her old pals will be there. Most likely, fOM will be there. And another dude I know hit on her endlessly. 

I am pretty sure I need to go, or I will be a total mess those 4 days. But I am afraid what I might do if I see one of these guys. I also am humiliated to show my face around all these people that I am sure knew. But I don't want to go and be a prisoner in the room. I just don't know what to do? Do I face these a$$holes? I might just hit them.

My fWW is letting me decide, though she is cncerned i will cause a scene that will "hurt her career". How typically selfish of her right?


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## dusty4 (May 8, 2013)

*Re: Going to a confernce with fWW*



slater said:


> This issue is that in a month or so, she has to goto a big conference in her field and all her old pals will be there. Most likely, fOM will be there. And another dude I know hit on her endlessly.


Unless she is doing job related training, a "conference" is just an excuse to get away. They are useless and no, she doesn't need or have to go. She can decide not to go.

And she gets hit on "endlessly" because she allows it.



> My fWW is letting me decide, though she is cncerned i will cause a scene that will "hurt her career".


Well there wouldn't be a problem if she put a stop to it. All she has to do is tell them that their advances, flirting is inappropriate since she is married. But she isn't going to do that, is she?

Only reason for you to cause a scene is if they hit on her, and she lets them. So the "scene" that would be cause is actually caused by her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the real question- why hasn't she been looking for another job so you don;t ever have to be in this situation again?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> the real question- why hasn't she been looking for another job so you don;t ever have to be in this situation again?


:iagree:

It doesn't really seem that she changed jobs that much if she's still going out of town and there's the possibility of her being in contact with the OM and other TOXIC FRIENDS.

I know it's tough slater, but I would go and hold my head up high to these folks. Even if they did know, now they see YOU there. They should be the ones who are ashamed and look at the ground. Now they see YOU guarding your fWW. They will be the ones turning and avoiding YOU. Who is the one with the escort because they cheated? That's right, your fWW. You have nothing to be humiliated about, she's the one. 

Don't be afraid to go. This is you reclaiming your territory.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> It doesn't really seem that she changed jobs that much if she's still going out of town and there's the possibility of her being in contact with the OM and other TOXIC FRIENDS.
> 
> ...


Thanks LM- it really helped hearing that. I was sort of thinking that. To the others, I don't think anyone is hitting on her anymore. She has changed quite a bit, and understands what she was doing. I could have forced a total career change, but it would have been tough all around. Honestly, most of her travel now I'm Ok with. Using our travel plan has helped alot and she doesn't travel at all like she once did. I didn't think she would have to go to this conference, but it is being reqired now by her employer.

I think I will try to go. I I see the fOM in the bar and hit him...well $hit happens.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

How does your betraying wife feel about being around these men? Does she trust herself? Do you think she will behave?

Were it me, I'd send her alone and have a PI check in on her in the evenings (does she have dinner or drinks with them, got to their room...).

Seems chicken-a$$ to go with her to me.

Besides, if she thinks you are trusting her, it may help her in the reconciliation process. Anyway to slip a small VAR in her purse or baggage?


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

You can't control other people's perception of you. If you go, some of those other folks will see that as weak bc you're "guarding" your W. If you don't go, some will see you as weak bc they'll think you're too much of a b!tch to show your face around them.

All you can control are your actions and your perception of yourself. If you feel it makes you weak, then don't go. If you feel not going would make you weak, then go.

I don't necessarily object to you going. Hell, go, have a good time, dress well so you feel good, flirt with your W, treat her like you did when you were dating, make her laugh and smile, and give it to her hard every night in the hotel room. Let everyone see how well you guys are doing. Remember, the best revenge is to be happy and successful.

My only question is, how long are you going to keep going on these trips with your fWW? I'm a BS, too, so I completely dig it. But at some point you gotta realize that if she's only remaining faithful bc you're there standing over her, then how faithful is that, really?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> My only question is, how long are you going to keep going on these trips with your fWW? I'm a BS, too, so I completely dig it. But at some point you gotta realize that if she's only remaining faithful bc you're there standing over her, then how faithful is that, really?


Well stated.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would just go and I would be at her side the entire time, everywhere she went. Your being there with her says more about her than about you. No one will dare say anything about you anyway. If she doesn't like it, remind her that this is the price of her actions.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> How does your betraying wife feel about being around these men? Does she trust herself? Do you think she will behave?
> 
> Were it me, I'd send her alone and have a PI check in on her in the evenings (does she have dinner or drinks with them, got to their room...).
> 
> ...


I worked with a woman who was betrayed by her WH, and the coworkers were aware of the affair. So she goes to his workplace to see him. What did these coworkers and the OW do? They made themselves scarce, that's what. Who wants to face a possibly wrathful BS? Ironically, I took over that section a few months later, but by then, both of them had already left.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I can't go to all of the events with her. Just not possible. Not even sure I can get in the exhibition hall but I may be able to buy a day pass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

She needs to be willing to shut down the flirting. That is pretty easy in this day and age. Courts and the EEOC take sexual harassment very seriously. All she needs to do is tell them their sexual advances make her uncomfortable and they need to stop. If they do it again, she reports them to HR. If HR is involved in the sexual harassment, or does nothing to stop it, she files with the EEOC. 

Is she willing to take it that far? She better be.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I have been to several conferences over the years. Getting in to exhibits has never been that difficult. Can your wife arrange for a pass for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think it is very sad that you have to babysit your wife when she goes to conferneces for fear she may run into the OM and sleep with him again. What kind of life is that for you to live? What is wrong with this picture?

If she wants to screw other men behind your back she can probably do it anytime she wants so what is the real point in babysitting her? If you really have to be with her to make sure she does not screw other men when she is away from you at meetings then you have already lost your marriage.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

bryanp said:


> I think it is very sad that you have to babysit your wife when she goes to conferneces for fear she may run into the OM and sleep with him again. What kind of life is that for you to live? What is wrong with this picture?
> 
> If she wants to screw other men behind your back she can probably do it anytime she wants so what is the real point in babysitting her? If you really have to be with her to make sure she does not screw other men when she is away from you at meetings then you have already lost your marriage.


BINGO. You are right. Not sure- I think part of the reason I want to go is to F with her. Make her feel consequences. I don't think she would sleep around on me if I didn't go, but I sure as hell would be anxious about it. Maybe that's what I need to fix? Hell i have no idea which way is up these days, so I don't know why I do what I do.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I think it is very sad that you have to babysit your wife when she goes to conferneces for fear she may run into the OM and sleep with him again. What kind of life is that for you to live? What is wrong with this picture?
> 
> If she wants to screw other men behind your back she can probably do it anytime she wants so what is the real point in babysitting her? If you really have to be with her to make sure she does not screw other men when she is away from you at meetings then you have already lost your marriage.


No offense, but this is the type of general thinking that allows workplace affairs to flourish. That a man is a b!tch, or insecure if he doesn't allow his wife to go on GNOs, coworker gatherings, etc, etc. That's bullsh!t. A man is supposed to c0ckblock other men from his wife, a man is supposed to protect his marriage.

He goes to conferences with her until HE feels safe. Its not done out of fear, but out of claiming what is his. To show the OM and toxic ex coworkers that he is not a man to be fracked with. Maybe in the future *when his WW has earned his trust*, then it will be up to him if he *allows* her go to without him.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I've had to attend conferences out of town and travel for work. None of it was fluff - it was mandatory. 

H and I worked on how this would work to make him feel more comfortable and secure but I know that if it meant being anywhere near the xOM, he'd not be ok with that and neither would I. 

Travelling with her is a good idea. I don't know that you need to be by her side all day unless that will make you feel better but that's your call.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Why do this to yourself? 

Why put yourself through this worry? "Should I go? If i go will i look like a sissy? Will it cause problems? She probably won't cheat, but what if she does?" etc etc. 

Your life belongs to YOU and no one else. Take back your days, do not give your time to this. 

Have you thought about doing what makes you feel good? What would please you? How about telling her to quit, right now, and then forget this whole mess. 

Honestly if she keeps bumping into these guys, she needs to get into a different field or find a new company. 

What is wrong with asking for what you want? 

IMO her #1 concern should be for you, and the stress these trips cause.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> No offense, but this is the type of general thinking that allows workplace affairs to flourish. That a man is a b!tch, or insecure if he doesn't allow his wife to go on GNOs, coworker gatherings, etc, etc. That's bullsh!t. A man is supposed to c0ckblock other men from his wife, a man is supposed to protect his marriage.
> 
> He goes to conferences with her until HE feels safe. Its not done out of fear, but out of claiming what is his. To show the OM and toxic ex coworkers that he is not a man to be fracked with. Maybe in the future *when his WW has earned his trust*, then it will be up to him if he *allows* her go to without him.


Big negative. A man should never, ever have to c0ckblock to keep his wife on the straight and narrow.

Is your W a robot? Is she incapable of thinking for herself? Is she going to accidentally fall into bed with another man if she doesn't have her strong, assertive husband next to her to remind her that cheating is wrong?

If she does, then she's only maintaining the straight and narrow because her H is standing over her shoulder making sure she does. And that's no kind of marriage to have.

Yeah, fWW has a history of infidelity. What does that mean? That means _she_ should be doing everything humanly possible to win him back! She should be walking the tightrope, *not him*.

OP, as a BS, I'll tell you: At first, I bought into the TAM groupthink, too. Check up on your fWW, keep hardcore tabs on her, send PIs here and there, follow her every move.

But eventually you figure out that, after they've been caught and the WS is in the hot seat, they should be fighting tooth and nail for you! They should be fighting for the marriage, not you! They should be bending over backwards and sideways to prove themselves to you and to the marriage, not the other way around!

And I'm sorry, but following your WS around like a little lost puppy, making sure they don't "slip up" again, that's not the WS fighting for the marriage. That's you admitting to the world that, deep down, you're just afraid they're going to do it again. And if they do it again? Then they never were sorry in the first place. People don't accidentally trip into bed with each other.

And I say all of that as a BS.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Infidelity didn't come with a manual. You have the right to do whatever is necessary for your own peace of mind. IT IS YOUR RIGHT. You weren't the one with a PhD in deceit, you never asked for it nor wanted it. Go with your wife and enjoy yourself. But don't ever stoop to the level of hitting the psychos she entertained. You are too good for that, they aren't good enough to touch or lay eyes on. Bring you Ray Bans, btw.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Big negative. A man should never, ever have to c0ckblock to keep his wife on the straight and narrow.
> 
> Is your W a robot? Is she incapable of thinking for herself? Is she going to accidentally fall into bed with another man if she doesn't have her strong, assertive husband next to her to remind her that cheating is wrong?
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with a word of your post.

However, the poster is feeling it right now and while I like the idea of telling him to put his big boy underwear on, as a practical matter he's worried and I can't say as I blame him.

I'll repeat myself in that I think you should stay home but find a way or two to monitor her. That may be defeatist thinking but if it puts your mind at ease, then do it.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Big negative. A man should never, ever have to c0ckblock to keep his wife on the straight and narrow.
> 
> Is your W a robot? Is she incapable of thinking for herself? Is she going to accidentally fall into bed with another man if she doesn't have her strong, assertive husband next to her to remind her that cheating is wrong?
> 
> .


:iagree:

Well said


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> I've had to attend conferences out of town and travel for work. None of it was fluff - it was mandatory.
> 
> H and I worked on how this would work to make him feel more comfortable and secure but I know that if it meant being anywhere near the xOM, he'd not be ok with that and neither would I.
> 
> Travelling with her is a good idea. I don't know that you need to be by her side all day unless that will make you feel better but that's your call.


My H has to attend conference's a couple times a year and this is the history of his cheating....so its not a good scenario for either of us.

So now he gets up early, drives to conference and drives home again directly after, he doesn't stay for the meal and drinks....He has had to do this recently on a number of occasions and it works well so far.....we both decided this was the best plan. If the conference venue is too far to drive there and back, as they very often are 2 day conferences, then we have decided I go with him, but I would not be at the conference.........he would come back to another hotel where i would be waiting for him.

If he's missed so what?.......he's with me, his wife, having dinner and a night out....he will be back at work in the morning!


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> Big negative. A man should never, ever have to c0ckblock to keep his wife on the straight and narrow.
> 
> Is your W a robot? Is she incapable of thinking for herself? Is she going to accidentally fall into bed with another man if she doesn't have her strong, assertive husband next to her to remind her that cheating is wrong?
> 
> ...


The point here is...she wont cheat again more than likely, but why go through the anguish of imagining she might..........the imagination is a horrible torturous thing is it not?

Its a time for re-building trust and what ever helps......helps 
Whatever gets you through is good.........and much better than the FWS worrying all day, imagining her BS is at home fretting, and he/she being at home fretting, even if he/she has no reason to. It's all part of the true R plan.

They can have some fun of their own after the working day is done.:smthumbup:


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> Big negative. A man should never, ever have to c0ckblock to keep his wife on the straight and narrow.
> 
> Is your W a robot? Is she incapable of thinking for herself? Is she going to accidentally fall into bed with another man if she doesn't have her strong, assertive husband next to her to remind her that cheating is wrong?
> 
> ...


There's a lot of truth to all this. If they really want to see an AP or they're just a serial cheater, they will. No amount of monitoring (within reason) will prevent it. 

In a way it makes them better at it. 

And there's a lesson too, that if you think without these safeguards they'd do it again, or you're worried they will, you need to re-examine where its all at. 

THEY should be doing everything within their power to reassure you, or do what it takes. 

Ask for what you want, and if they deliver then they deliver.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did she not ask you to get a girlfriend ? Did she not tell you that she is only there for the kids ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd go to conference and I would make sure I was highly visible to the POSOM and anyone in the circle who knew or might suspect the affair.

Why?

1. It is a significant consequence for your fww.

2. It will freak out and ruin the freedom of the POSOM because he will be afraid of running into you.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Outstanding assessment, Plan 9.

OP, ask yourself, why are you such a mess when your fWW goes to these conferences?

For me it was fear that my W would cheat again and that I would ultimately lose her. So I do all the TAM recommended stuff: Trust but verify, MC, relationship books, etc.

Make no mistake, those things were helpful. But eventually I woke up and realized that was no kind of marriage I wanted to be in. I realized that if my W was gonna cheat again, she was gonna cheat again. No amount of MC, spying, or books would change that.

That's a point that many BSes reach. It's the point described in what is IMO the best post on being a BS: Just Let Them Go.

The trick to reaching that point is to shed your fear of losing your W and your marriage. Accept it as a possibility, and integrate it into your new marriage.

I agree with Plan 9: It sounds like you need some time alone to get into the right headspace. As long as you're still ruled by the fear of losing your W, you'll be living in this personal hell.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I'd go to conference and I would make sure I was highly visible to the POSOM and anyone in the circle who knew or might suspect the affair.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Well said. And it's a totally alpha move.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

slater said:


> I have dilemna. My fWW and I are 15 months post DDAy- hanging on. I don't want to go into all of it, many of you know the past. She had a LTA with a co-worker. She has since changed jobs, as has he.
> 
> So she still has to travel some for her new job. We have rules about it, like no eating dinner with one male, no going out for drinks socially after meetings, only one drink per day, etc.
> 
> ...


So her sleeping with colleagues did NOT hurt her career? 
:wtf:

Seriously? If that's her attitude then there might be problems ahead.

There's only one person I know who slept with his colleagues and this did not cause him any problems. 

His career. He was an actor in the British porn film industry.

Your wife is indulging herself in foggy thinking!

Either you go to the conference, or she doesn't. End of! As we say in Britain. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say you want to hide because you feel ashamed for her cheating on you and those people knowing she betrayed you.

Try turning that around a bit. At first realize that anxiety is normal to feel from it, but think about why you think it's shame you feel. You realize your wife is ONLY still with you because YOU chose to allow her to be. You gave her that gift by your assent and choice. That means you are the one in the drivers seat and not someone who is a helpless victim.

You are the alpha who has chosen for the moment to let her stay. If she breaks the rules you set, you will cast her off and replace her.

So since you are the boss , you shouldn't be slinking around , instead you should be seen and in control of yourself and the situation.

I'd be highly visible at the conference, but never ever doting, and never ever differing to her or her colleagues. You are there because you choose to be, and she is with you because you let her be with you.

Do not be in the situation at the event of following her around. Have her tell you what she would like to do, but you decide in the end. If she wants to have drinks and dinner socially at it, then she only goes if you choose to attend. And when you attend don't go as her husband who is polite and quiet. Go like the boss would. Be the one setting the conversation, talk about you and your interests, talk about your plans, and be the one to ask others about themselves. You introduce yourself, and you steer the conversations.

See it like a stage and you are the leading star, not a supporting cast member.

And if you see the OM, look him in the eye with the coldest smile you can muster. Check out Nickleson in the original batman if you want to. Deliver that cold smile, and then go back to your drink, because that smile just sent more fear and anxiety into him than any words you could ever say.

See he fears you, because you might cause a scene. He hopes you are afraid of him and will be hoping you fear causing a scene. That cold smile says that you not only don't have the fear, but you are also a potential predator who firmly knows you and you alone control when of if you might strike.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I haven't researched your past threads.

I don't at all like your wife's comment about her not wanting you to come because you might cause a scene and ruin her career. She should be worried that you won't leave her over her affair and lack of remorse, and whatever she says to you should be supportive. Her words and apparent attitude are a big red flag of how selfish she is. Trip or no, I think your wife should be a little more considerate. Tell her not to worry about you ruining her career, tell her to worry that you may finally be fed up enough with her selfishness to call it quits.

As far as the trip is concerned, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer as to going or not going. You go if you want to, if it makes you feel better. It doesn't mean you have to go on every trip, or on any other trip besides this one. Personally, this first trip since the end of the affair, I would want to go, not to check up on my wife, but to reclaim my territory and to make the other man (if he's even there), the other guy who hit on her, and anyone else who knew about it as uncomfortable as possible. Stand tall and be proud, look them in the eye, stare them down, and let them worry about you.

You are a better man than them.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Wonder what he decided to do?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> I've had to attend conferences out of town and travel for work. None of it was fluff - it was mandatory.


I attended my share of conferences too, and unless you're a speaker, run a booth or participate in other public way, it isn't ever mandatory.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I was camping with my kid all weekend, so I just caught up with the thread. Thank you for all of the input. The trip is next month, I have not decided what to do, but probably will have to soon. She will be working in the exhibit hall, as will everyone else. I can probably get access to the hall, but would have little to do other than take a cruise through just to be seen. I have heard the POSOM is very affraid of me, so I like the idea of letting him know I am there and making him deal with that.

But the functions in the evening, the dinners etc, I may not be able to make those as they are corporate events. At most I could posssibly show up for after dinner, or ask her to come back to the room (that is our SOP when she travels now...no after dinner festivities). 

I am not afraid she is going to cheat again, well maybe a little, though I hate to admit it. But I would be very anxious if I didn't go. You all have laid out good arguments for both sides.

Plan 9- I want to thank you for taking the time to read all of my posts. That is very cool. She has done some "special" things for me, but I do feel overall she has not done enough. I have struggled with continuing R based upon this...is she here to be with me or for all the other factors. Understand, she is a mes personally and some of her actions have been guided by our MC. We are in deep with this MC and I am starting to question her methods. Her goal is to build a lasting solid relationship and have us deveop individually, so much of the work my wife has done has been with herself. Changing the way she reacts, etc. There is so much going on I have trouble figuring it all out. I have considered taking a leave from work and going on a hike on the Appelation Trail or something like that for a couple weeks to figure out what I want. 

I did have an IC meeting with our MC last week, and reiterated the fact that my fWW needs to step up her efforts to win me back, not just work on herself or it would end anyway. She got the point and agreed and discussed it with my fWW. I have already started to see a change, but this has happened before. We will see. I have been doing more and more what I want and that has been great. I am also in the best shape I have been in 15 years.

I am working on getting to the point that I don't care if the marriage succeeds or fails, and actually am pretty close. That feels good. I think she is starting to sense that. I never call her during the day or check up her. I just do my thing. If this fails, I will be fine. Financially, things have improved from an already good position, but my income has doubled in the last year, so I am confident I can handle the financial aspect of D should it occur.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

slater said:


> I was camping with my kid all weekend, so I just caught up with the thread. Thank you for all of the input. The trip is next month, I have not decided what to do, but probably will have to soon. She will be working in the exhibit hall, as will everyone else. I can probably get access to the hall, but would have little to do other than take a cruise through just to be seen. I have heard the POSOM is very affraid of me, so I like the idea of letting him know I am there and making him deal with that.
> 
> But the functions in the evening, the dinners etc, I may not be able to make those as they are corporate events. At most I could posssibly show up for after dinner, or ask her to come back to the room (that is our SOP when she travels now...no after dinner festivities).
> 
> ...


Its pretty sh1t isn't it?

Me and my FWH are in R and he has no choice but to travel now and again with his job.

I have said he can not travel alone over night ever again....I tried a couple of weeks ago as I knew exactly where he was and who he was with...had it all backed up with his bosses emails etc...iphone tracking.....wasn't a conference, just a meeting. It was my choice he stayed over, he was happy to drive home.

But it triggered me really badly........so we are back to 0% tolerance of him staying away from home, not because I don't trust him NOW, but because it's too hard on me. Seeing him come home, watching him empty his O/N bag into the laundry, giving me a kiss and a hug on return......err no.......can't do this any more. he's done this before after lying with another woman.

Also, it can be his punishment, he let me down big time....so he pays the consequences now and forever whilst he's with me.....

He has some important meetings coming up and some are hundreds of miles away in the next few weeks.....he can not physically get there and back and there and back over two days.....so there is only one choice. I go too.

For me to go too..means I have to book time off my work...which is looking unlikely at such short notice. 

So what is he going to do if I can not get the relevant days off work to accompany him?

It's his job, he's the main earner.......he has to do this......it is a mess!

A mess I can not see a way out of, but I will not back down on this condition. he will not stay away from home......he brought this on himself, my sanity it at stake!

I can see why so many other's post that this isn't a marriage etc...if you can not trust your spouse to stay away for a couple of nights.....but the truth is, they have done this before and gotten into situations they should never have....it doesn't mean we think they will do this again, but wouldn't we be stupid to say 'sure you can go have a night at the hotel without me' we'd be tortured!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

snap said:


> I attended my share of conferences too, and unless you're a speaker, run a booth or participate in other public way, it isn't ever mandatory.


Well, that's certainly your view and your opinion but not quite accurate in my case.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> Well, that's certainly your view and your opinion but not quite accurate in my case.


Yeah, my H doesn't have a choice, it is mandatory! it is his job.

No fluff!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

LR - it can get better in time. H and I stay in contact via text a lot during the day and use Skype at night. I like it because I can see his body language and see how he's going and I think it helps reassure him I am where I say and I am alone, etc. 

I email him my itinerary, schedule, etc. so if he wanted to, he could check and verify I am where I say I am, etc. I typically send him various pics when I can during the day as well. No drinking, stay in groups, etc.


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> Yeah, my H doesn't have a choice, it is mandatory! it is his job.
> 
> No fluff!


If H had a choice in this he would not be going, the last thing I want to is test your sanity, I have done that far too much I never want you in a dark place wondering what I am up to even you and I know I would never do anything like that again, the thought of it physically repulses me of what type of person I was being
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

awake1 said:


> There's a lot of truth to all this. If they really want to see an AP or they're just a serial cheater, they will. No amount of monitoring (within reason) will prevent it.
> 
> In a way it makes them better at it.
> 
> ...


IMHO, it isn't about c0ckblocking his wife. It's about his own peace of mind. It's about him, not her. If he goes, and he feels 100% better for those 4 days than he would sitting at home, he should go. But he should do it for THAT reason, not because he thinks his presence is going to make her behave properly.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

snap said:


> I attended my share of conferences too, and unless you're a speaker, run a booth or participate in other public way, it isn't ever mandatory.


Snap, this is dead wrong. If your boss says you have to go to training, you go to training. If you need Continuing Ed credits to maintain your credentials, you pretty much have to hit a conference about once a year. I say this from personal experience.


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> LR - it can get better in time. H and I stay in contact via text a lot during the day and use Skype at night. I like it because I can see his body language and see how he's going and I think it helps reassure him I am where I say and I am alone, etc.
> 
> I email him my itinerary, schedule, etc. so if he wanted to, he could check and verify I am where I say I am, etc. I typically send him various pics when I can during the day as well. No drinking, stay in groups, etc.


I don't think _we_ will ever get to this stage Red, unfortunately my H had drunken attempts at sleeping with female colleagues at _said_ conferences.....he spent two drunken nights in bed with other women he worked with....i will never be OK with him staying away from home at such conferences.

Not necessarily because i don't trust him NOW......but because I don't like how it makes _me_ feel.

If you had been physically unfaithful to your H at such an event.....maybe he wouldn't be too happy to allow you to attend them?

It's a complicated story, but I found out about all 3 cheats well after they had happened. The first cheat I found out about wasn't drunken, and wasn't a conference, so last year, before I knew the full extent of his 2 other cheats he did go to conferences and he did stay away from home.......but since I NOW know the full extent of what he has done in the past at conferences when drunk.....it seems foolish of me to trust him this far.

Hope you can understand this?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

That is completely understandable.


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

My company used to hold conferences once a year and it was compulsory for all management and sales staff to be there
In their infinite wisdom in the last 12 months they now want to hold 2 a quarter split between the country north and south
Being part of the management I keep trying to talk them out of this folly, 
1 because of the pain it causes my BS and 
2 because it really is a waste of time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

We have several management offsites a year. One of them resulted in about 8 people losing their jobs for misconduct. 

Fortunately, I don't attend those. I do have to attend conferences to build network connections for various investigations and for education but even those will be a lot fewer with this new position.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

I think I was like 1 in 100 who was naive to think that when spouse goes away on business, spouse is away on business.......

Now all I can see is conference = free for all

conference = get so drunk you haven't a clue what/ who you are doing?

JMO

I always use to cringe at the 'H working away on business' female colleagues would look at me like 'yeah right?'

I seriously was naive and way too trusting up until this past couple years.

Now, all I see is drunken colleagues, trying it on with one another....

Jeez, and I work in a hospital, 'doctors and nurses'.......and never see any of this kind of thing going on! Maybe my blindfold is too tight?!


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## megmg (Sep 30, 2012)

Never heard of multiple people losing jobs from going on one but generally it was accepted that there was free beer and a couple of times they ran late bars, although in the last couple if years it has been stressed and reiterated from the management team that they are there to work and not party
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Every time our company has a conference, I always hear about someone losing their job because of the misconduct.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Every time our company has a conference, I always hear about someone losing their job because of the misconduct.


Actually a couple of women lost their jobs from our hospital at an awards night due to inappropriate conduct, what ever that means!

It was all brushed under the rug!


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

No one in my wife's industry loses their jobs. It is almost accepted. Some people are blatant about it apparently. My fWW tells me all about it now. I am leaning towards going. Instead of worrying at home I will make sure we take advantage of the time away from the kids in a hotel- If I can keep from uber-triggering. We talk to MC tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

My xWF hooked up with her AP at a trade show so I can totally relate. It was like being mugged. I've actually been mugged and this was the emotional version of that. I was completely powerless and clueless as to the world of hurt I was in for.

Ultimately I couldn't deal with that reality. There was nothing I could do to prevent it and she outright refused to promise to never cheat again. We weren't even married, thank God.

It wasn't worth a shot IMO in my situation. Moved on.

About a month ago, my GF went to a conference and I was crazy anxious. I was actually thinking about who I would date next convinced that she would also admit to cheating on me. But, of course, this is a totally different woman and she's given me no reason to suspect her of anything.

It's sad that this paranoia can stick with you and you can trigger even after you ditch the wayward. But the "red pill" can also be helpful as it grounds you in a more realistic, more grounded frame-of-mind.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Labcoat said:


> It's sad that this paranoia can stick with you and you can trigger even after you ditch the wayward. But the "red pill" can also be helpful as it grounds you in a more realistic, more grounded frame-of-mind.


This is why I think so many people try to R. They're broken anyway, so why not try to restart with the person they know so well, have loved, have kids with, etc, etc. I've thought about this a lot. Would I trust anyone 100%? Probably not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I see you going to the conference as both a reminder to her , but very much you strutting around and showing who claims the territory.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> This is why I think so many people try to R. They're broken anyway, so why not try to restart with the person they know so well, have loved, have kids with, etc, etc. I've thought about this a lot. Would I trust anyone 100%? Probably not.


:iagree: and furthermore, I kind of hate the idea that now my H has learned the hard way, in what not to do....some new woman would get the benefits of what he learned hurting me if i throw him out!

Why should some other woman benefit from my pain?

I feel very strongly about this.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

As a BS I would go. Nothing is scarier than a BS around wimps who condoned the WS. The OM is going to run from the site of you. Been there. Nothing is quite as empowering when you actually get there. It's also showing your WS that you are in charge of making or breaking the relationship not her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> JMHO, that's not a good reason to reconcile at all. In certain situations, you need to be able to analyze the situation and recognize that everything you invested in a marriage up until it turns sour is a sunk cost. It's one thing to reconcile because you love your spouse and you feel confident (or reasonably confident at least) that your WS is making a best effort to truly R. Pursuing an R simply because you don't want to "lose" the investment of time and energy made in prior years is not a good reason to pursue it.


While it's not the right reason to R, it's a powerful thing to try to ignore. But my original point was a version of what you are saying.

You look at the future of trust. If you will not really trust anyone that much more than you will trust your fWH or fWW, and you are having a decent R attempt, why leave? Yes, the fWW or fWH needs to put in their work, that goes without question. Without that, the rest of the point doesn't matter.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> JMHO, that's not a good reason to reconcile at all. In certain situations, you need to be able to analyze the situation and recognize that everything you invested in a marriage up until it turns sour is a sunk cost. It's one thing to reconcile because you love your spouse and you feel confident (or reasonably confident at least) that your WS is making a best effort to truly R. Pursuing an R simply because you don't want to "lose" the investment of time and energy made in prior years is not a good reason to pursue it.


I get your point, but if you have read any of mine or my H other posts, you will see that we are trying to R because we love each other...this is just one other angle.....and i do feel strongly about it, he and my children have been my life's investment, nothing means more to me in the world than my H and children.

Nobody lets their life's work slip through their hands without first giving it the best of chances to succeed.

Hope you can understand what i'm getting at here.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> This is why I think so many people try to R. They're broken anyway, so why not try to restart with the person they know so well, have loved, have kids with, etc, etc. I've thought about this a lot. Would I trust anyone 100%? Probably not.


Things like kids, prior air-tight faithfulness (at least a decade), little fighting, mature love, property, etc. seem like reasonable reasons to attempt R.

But, there are no restarts, do-overs or mulligans in real life. At least in my experience. The disrespect and the resentment will always be there. On balance, I prefer to be slightly paranoid with someone who has yet to disrespect me.

And besides, you shouldn't ever be trusting anyone 100% anyway. If I did anything to cause the affair, it was to have so much faith in my ex fiancé.

Granted, I say this as someone who was only engaged on d day. Had I not walked I would have effectively been knowingly been marrying a cheater.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Labcoat said:


> Things like kids, prior air-tight faithfulness (at least a decade), little fighting, mature love, property, etc. seem like reasonable reasons to attempt R.
> 
> But, there are no restarts, do-overs or mulligans in real life. At least in my experience. The disrespect and the resentment will always be there. On balance, I prefer to be slightly paranoid with someone who has yet to disrespect me.
> 
> ...



Whilst I completely respect your opinion on this matter of R, it is so different when you have actually been married 20 years and have 4 children.

I imagine 99% of betrayed fiances would call the wedding off and move on, you can walk away and start a fresh. It isn't nearly as complicated.

I am not belittle-ing your loss, you lost a future with this woman you loved and trusted her, all your plans now gone....but I'm certain you would have felt and reacted differently if you were already married, already had children...etc...it becomes more than just about what _you_ can live with.

I write this with the fullest of respect.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> Whilst I completely respect your opinion on this matter of R, it is so different when you have actually been married 20 years and have 4 children.
> 
> I imagine 99% of betrayed fiances would call the wedding off and move on, you can walk away and start a fresh. It isn't nearly as complicated.
> 
> ...


No disrespect taken whatsoever. I started my post by suggesting reasons to consider R (children, history etc.) and conceded that my own experience was not one of those. In the grand scheme of things here, I got off easy and won't pretend otherwise.

However, I keep seeing too many BSs, here and elsewhere, who's first very response is, "How can I get them to R?" There's something very, very wrong with that, IMO. Even I was guilty of that thinking too.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Labcoat said:


> No disrespect taken whatsoever. I started my post by suggesting reasons to consider R (children, history etc.) and conceded that my own experience was not one of those. In the grand scheme of things here, I got off easy and won't pretend otherwise.
> 
> However, I keep seeing too many BSs, here and elsewhere, who's first very response is, "How can I get them to R?" There's something very, very wrong with that, IMO. Even I was guilty of that thinking too.


I can assure you, in my case, it was never a case of how can I get him to R with me. I would have thought the opposite if anything....and it is the WS that wants to R as they now realise what they are about to lose. 

Not for one moment have I made any move to chase my H back into our relationship, and I would never! He is the one fighting for me and the marriage.....and whilst he fights for me then I will fight for our relationship.

It's a good thing my H came to his senses and changed a lot about himself before I even found out about him betraying me....


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Whatever you do, don't get physical man, it is not worth it.

That's a helluva pickle. You kind of have to go, but I can see how difficult not losing your **** will be.

Ugh. Best of luck.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> Whatever you do, don't get physical man, it is not worth it.
> 
> That's a helluva pickle. You kind of have to go, but I can see how difficult not losing your **** will be.
> 
> Ugh. Best of luck.


Thank you

We had a helluva session at MC yesterday. I thought we were done, then a dam broke. Maybe she saw I was ready to go. Different woman. I am still guarded. IDK. conf is in June.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> My only question is, how long are you going to keep going on these trips with your fWW? I'm a BS, too, so I completely dig it. But at some point you gotta realize that if she's only remaining faithful bc you're there standing over her, then how faithful is that, really?


This is a valid point, but it makes a good deal of sense for slater to go to this.

First off, as a RECENT wayward, she is still in the middle of 'deprogramming'. She is in the middle of chaning her thoughts and action patterns so a bit of supervision is a good thing. Think of it as holding her hand as she regains her legs and self respect.

Additionally, the fOM is there. She has well worn grooves in her mind which equate him with 'Happy Fun Time' because it was a LTA. So...until he has a sense that she's filled with self loathing over what she did with him, a bit of extra care when it comes to HIM is well warrented for two reasons. First, in case she back slides due to comfort with him. But assume for a moment that she IS totally over him. POS might very well think that he has an open field and may try to rekindle things. This would be awkward and uncomfortable for her and put her into a confrontational situation. Why not spare her that if he can?

In a year or two, he should let her go on her own. If she hasn't recovered by then, he might as well cut the cord entirely.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

slater said:


> Thank you
> 
> We had a helluva session at MC yesterday. I thought we were done, then a dam broke. Maybe she saw I was ready to go. Different woman. I am still guarded. IDK. conf is in June.


Where do you figure in her list of priorities ?


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Hopefully I am number one but that sir is the $6MM question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

slater said:


> Hopefully I am number one but that sir is the $6MM question.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not to be redundant, but I still like the idea of staying home with heavy monitoring (VAR's, PI...). It will give great peace of mind if she behaves and make it clear to end the marriage if she betrays.

Either way, you get some answers. If you go, all you do is babysit and stew.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Definitely go to the conference... go... that's where I got into my trouble.

Conferences are worthless anyway but you have no idea how lonely you get all alone in your room at night. Ideas start to form.. my first conference it was like this. I missed my husband awful and I wished someone was there to hang out with. I literally jumped him when I got home I was so happy to go... 

Knowing how I'd felt last time when an old friend who lives in the same state offered to come down and spend the days with me taking me to see the sights I didn't see anything wrong with it. We're just friends right? WRONG.. 

GO to the conference..


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