# My husband kept something from me



## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

My husband recently came out and said that he had flirted with a female from his past and received pictures from her after we’d had an argument. He asked for more but then said never mind, as he knew what he was doing was wrong. He then took care of himself while thinking of her. How do I react to this and where do I go from here? I’m hurt and my trust for him is broken.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Getting a confession doesn't mean he won't do the very same thing again the next time he's pissed off at you. There are lots of guys who for a multitude of reasons like to turn to another woman to soothe their brow and flatter their ego when they're mad at their mate. That works for them on so many levels. So that's who you're married to. I guess the message there is don't make me mad because I have options. I think that's why he really told you and not because he really felt the need to confess to his bad behavior. I think it was a warning.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Presumably you mean naked pictures? It's concerning that he did this just because you had an argument. Has he done it before? Will he do it again? Very possibly. 
He needs strong boundaries with the opposite sex and he doesn't have them. 
How long have you been married? Do you have children? Does he know how terribly upset you are?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Wel009 said:


> My husband recently came out and said that he had flirted with a female from his past and received pictures from her after we’d had an argument. He asked for more but then said never mind, as he knew what he was doing was wrong. He then took care of himself while thinking of her. How do I react to this and where do I go from here? I’m hurt and my trust for him is broken.


This is a complete breach of trust. I believe that he has done a lot more than he is admitting to. Either the guilt is getting to him or he is afraid of being exposed with something worse. Go into stealth mode (do not let him know) and investigate. Get access to his phone, PC, etc. Put a VAR in his car, monitor. it is much worse than what he is telling you. 

You need to go scorched earth on him for this, show him you are prepared to lose him and the marriage.

1. Do a 180 on him
2. tell him to you this is infidelity and you do not want to be with someone who does this
3. Have you been having sex regularly? How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Are you working? Remember this is not your fault, he made this choice, not you.
4. Ask him to move out of the bedroom as you do not want to be anywhere near him right now.

take time to think. Confide in a close friend, Consider getting IC so you can work through the emotions.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Have you considered the impetus for his "confession"? Sides that, it doesn't look like he's kept something from you. Kinda like he just came right out an detailed what he did. Take my word for it; he's sending you a message.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Let me understand this: you have an argument, your husband asks this woman to send him naked pictures of herself and she does. Then he wanks over them? He has a very obliging and understanding female friend there... can I have her number?


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Presumably you mean naked pictures? It's concerning that he did this just because you had an argument. Has he done it before? Will he do it again? Very possibly.
> He needs strong boundaries with the opposite sex and he doesn't have them.
> How long have you been married? Do you have children? Does he know how terribly upset you are?


In lingerie. Said nothing more was shown. We do not have children. We have been married for a year now. He knows how horrible I’m feeling and says that I’m overreacting.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Let me understand this: you have an argument, your husband asks this woman to send him naked pictures of herself and she does. Then he wanks over them? He has a very obliging a and understanding female friend there... can I have her number?


Ha.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Have you considered the impetus for his "confession"? Sides that, it doesn't look like he's kept something from you. Kinda like he just came right out an detailed what he did. Take my word for it; he's sending you a message.


What sort of message would that even be?


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

aine said:


> This is a complete breach of trust. I believe that he has done a lot more than he is admitting to. Either the guilt is getting to him or he is afraid of being exposed with something worse. Go into stealth mode (do not let him know) and investigate. Get access to his phone, PC, etc. Put a VAR in his car, monitor. it is much worse than what he is telling you.
> 
> You need to go scorched earth on him for this, show him you are prepared to lose him and the marriage.
> 
> ...


I’ve thought about this and been told by everyone that I’m overreacting. But what if this leads to something else, something worse? Yes, he came clean but he also kept it from me for 8 months.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Getting a confession doesn't mean he won't do the very same thing again the next time he's pissed off at you. There are lots of guys who for a multitude of reasons like to turn to another woman to soothe their brow and flatter their ego when they're mad at their mate. That works for them on so many levels. So that's who you're married to. I guess the message there is don't make me mad because I have options. I think that's why he really told you and not because he really felt the need to confess to his bad behavior. I think it was a warning.


I’m concerned that it is a warning and I don’t know whether to forgive or to run.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Wel009 said:


> In lingerie. *Said nothing more was shown.* We do not have children. *We have been married for a year now. He knows how horrible I’m feeling and says that I’m overreacting.*


You have a few red flags here. 

1) *Said nothing more was shown. *How do you know? Did he show them to you? At a minimum he should contact her with you present telling her he won't be contacting her again and to contact him. And should show you EVERYTHING - full disclosure. That is what a remorseful person would do.

2) *We have been married for a year now. *You've been married for a year only and he's already been unfaithful??? What happens down the line when he gets bored? See if he is willing to go into counseling, marriage and individual.

3) *He knows how horrible I’m feeling and says that I’m overreacting. *Again, this is not a compassionate or remorseful way to act to someone you claim to love and want to be with. If he and you have any hope of repairing this together he needs to really understand what he has done. He needs to show and feel remorse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Wel009 said:


> In lingerie. Said nothing more was shown. We do not have children. We have been married for a year now. He knows how horrible I’m feeling and says that I’m overreacting.


That's called gaslighting. Look it up. It's the most popular cheater strategy. Turn it around and try to make it look like you're the one who did something wrong. You did not overreact. Throw him back before you accidentally get pregnant.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Wel009 said:


> I’m concerned that it is a warning and I don’t know whether to forgive or to run.


Run. If you forgive him for this all you're doing is giving him permission to keep doing this over and over and telling him you'll stay anyway.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So he isn't even acknowledging the wrong he has done nor the hurt he has caused you. Instead he is blaming you for it. Wow. 
You have barely been married and already he is lying and cheating. This is not a man of integrity.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Was your argument about sex ?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Wel009 said:


> What sort of message would that even be?


Hard to say exactly. Could be he's letting you know about his "misdemeanor" to gain or regain control of a situation by throwing a little jealousy your way or to test whether you really care about him. I've never bought into the argument that people confess because someone else deserves to know. People will not tell you something that will profit you unless it profits them more. 
Don't take this the wrong way but how is your sex live? Are you match up or is he or you often rejected?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

What is it with guys and masturbating these days? I suppose the logic is- "since it is in my mind and hand only it ain't adultery". Poor use of logic.

It's all adultery IMO as Jesus said "adultery of the heart". Of course, we're all guilty of looking some lady over as she walks out of the pool. The more your will consents to it- the more sinful and wrong it is. Clearly in this case- hubby fully consented as he received these photos, accessed them, undid his pants, etc.

Seems like he could see how wrong this is... how is this not adultery of the heart?

So sorry.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> You have a few red flags here.
> 
> 1) *Said nothing more was shown. *How do you know? Did he show them to you? At a minimum he should contact her with you present telling her he won't be contacting her again and to contact him. And should show you EVERYTHING - full disclosure. That is what a remorseful person would do.
> 
> ...


He claimed that the messages were deleted after that conversation. He hadn’t planned on telling me due to advice from other people but that the guilt was too much for him not to tell me. We started marriage counseling a week ago and I don’t know if that had an impact for the reason he told me. He showed remorse when he told me but afterwards, he seemed to think that they’re would be no repercussions or that I would just simply get over it and move past it.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> So he isn't even acknowledging the wrong he has done nor the hurt he has caused you. Instead he is blaming you for it. Wow.
> You have barely been married and already he is lying and cheating. This is not a man of integrity.


I completely agree. I believe he feels that there was no harm in it because he told me.... even though it was 8 months after the fact.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> Was your argument about sex ?


No, him nor I recall the argument but it was after we moved into our house. We have not had an argument about sex.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Hard to say exactly. Could be he's letting you know about his "misdemeanor" to gain or regain control of a situation by throwing a little jealousy your way or to test whether you really care about him. I've never bought into the argument that people confess because someone else deserves to know. People will not tell you something that will profit you unless it profits them more.
> Don't take this the wrong way but how is your sex live? Are you match up or is he or you often rejected?


Our sex life is fine and if it isn’t, he hasn’t said anything for me to think otherwise.


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## Wel009 (May 10, 2021)

CatholicDad said:


> What is it with guys and masturbating these days? I suppose the logic is- "since it is in my mind and hand only it ain't adultery". Poor use of logic.
> 
> It's all adultery IMO as Jesus said "adultery of the heart". Of course, we're all guilty of looking some lady over as she walks out of the pool. The more your will consents to it- the more sinful and wrong it is. Clearly in this case- hubby fully consented as he received these photos, accessed them, undid his pants, etc.
> 
> ...


Thank you. When I told him I saw this as a form of cheating, he claimed that at the time he didn’t. But then where is that line drawn? What does he see or does he not see as cheating?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Wel009 said:


> Thank you. When I told him I saw this as a form of cheating, he claimed that at the time he didn’t. But then where is that line drawn? What does he see or does he not see as cheating?


It does not matter. It is how you see it. Biblically, to lust after or fantasizing about another othet than your spouse is adultry.


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