# Rebuilding trust



## New&trying (Aug 23, 2012)

My husband and I are new we've only been married 6 months but we've already had some trust issues. My husband doesn't like to tell the truth about things that he thinks will upset me. For example, there have been a few times when he lied to me about reading porn online, and I've also just recently learned about an x-girlfriend that he never mentioned. Though he swore he told me about all his previous relationships. I wouldn't really care about any ex-girlfriend but the problem I'm having is that he feels the need to lie. I remember one day he spent texting one of his ex-girlfriends but told me he was texting one of our friends. I understand we're new at this and he's allowed to make mistakes but I'm finding that trusting him is hard and that's not healthy in our relationship. So I'm asking what can I do to help regain trust in my husband???


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## BigFace (Aug 25, 2012)

New&trying,

I'm sorry to hear about the issues you're having. Trust is an integral part of any successful marriage, and the bond can be severely strained if trust is lost.

I noticed you asked "What can I do to regain trust in him?" I thought that was an interesting (and humble!) question under these circumstances. If what you mentioned is true (and I'm willing to believe that it is) then it seems he's going to have to work at regaining your trust, not the other way around. 

When you're in love with someone, you want their approval. But fear of consequences or of what others (like say, your spouse) will think if the truth comes out drives many people to lie. Some individuals just don't have the courage to come forward, admitting to a less than glamorous past or degrading habits that they may possess. It's "easier" just to hope the other person doesn't find out.

You asked the question, 'What can I do?' While I think the majority of responsibility lies with him to start telling the truth, there are things we can do to make it easier for people to be honest with us. Ask yourself questions like, 'Do I tend to remain calm if he has a confession to make, or do I tend to lose my temper, perhaps lashing out verbally?' or 'Have I given him any reason to be hesitant to trust me with an unflattering truth about himself?' Again, fear of consequences is not an excuse to be dishonest with one's mate, and no reasonable person would expect you to ignore your own hurt feelings when a painful matter is brought to light. However, if we're known for our self-control and a willingness to attack the problem instead of the person, those around us will likely find it easier to muster up the courage to be honest with us.

In any case, I hope things get better for both of you. No successful marriage was ever easy. But it can get better if you both work at it.


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## New&trying (Aug 23, 2012)

I appreciate your help and I can understand how you might think it strange that I'm looking for ways to fix myself in this situation. I do understand that he'll need to find it in him o tell me he truth, but I want to help him get there. I'm trying to figure out a way that he will trust me with his truth. We've discussed this before, but it seems to do very little, because when he does slip he feels the need to hide it from me. I just want to let I'm understand that I prefer the chance to forgive him than a lie. I may get hurt in the process but knowing that he would lie to me hurts more than anything. I just want him to understand that, and I'm willing to do anything to help him to.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I have the same issue with my wife. I don't have any magical suggestions other than to keep making an issue of it, selectively.

Also there are two ways to make an issue. One is to bring it up and discuss it, and I'd do that for big cases where you feel the need to agree explicit rules.

The other is to just be warm and affectionate when he is open and honest, and cold and distant when he is lying. Done carefully of course....you don't want to end up with too much cold and distant stuff, but that will reinforce positive behaviours.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

New&trying

I sincerly empathise with you in this. I recently was diagnosed with anxiety which when the symtems receed turns to a mood swing and of couse depression. 

People do find it hard to actually understand the effect that little ommissions. lies call them what you will have on a sufferer. The head goes in to the over-thinking and then its why didnt he/she come clean about this and that, then the issues grow and without knowing issues of mistrust can take over - even if there really isn't a mistrust to be confronted, but the fact that something isnt upfront and open gives the anxious dog something to feed on. You do need to talk to your H and, it is going to be a tough one, you need to expalin in simple terms and examples how these "lies" effect you. Often by putting the partner in your position they sometimes will see that its not your paranoia that is working overtime it is in fact really what you see but you have no way of confidently pushing it away as a noyhing to worry about scenario. 

I wish you well with this


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He might benefit reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## preets (Aug 29, 2012)

Since you are recently married, these type of issues are common and trivial. Don't give much weightage to your doubts against your husband. We all have a past but the important point is that the past should remain past and never ever tarnish your present and future. Speak with your husband that you are not interested in his past and have 100% faith in him and expect same from him. But you dont have to just say those lines, you should mean them. I assure your husband will stop lying and gradually understand your concern.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dear New,

Understand that the problem lies with your husband, and not with you. He's probably omitting these things because he feels that it's just easier to do so than to tell the truth. Somewhere, way back before you ever came along, someone taught him to do this. He has to start trusting you not to react badly to things; and when he begins telling you, don't react badly!

I went through the same thing with my husband, and it's been a long and trying road, but we are finally coming out the other side.

As for your husband texting an old girlfriend? That's a whole other ball of wax...personally, I don't put up with that in my marriage, but it's up to you what boundaries you feel you need in yours.


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## New&trying (Aug 23, 2012)

Candiegirl,

I didn't really mind him talking to is ex, he said they were still friends even I've talked to her before. But now I do mind, if he's hiding when he does talk to her. I know it's not flirting or anything, as bad as it sounds I did read his texts. But there's still the fact that he hid it from me as if it were something big like that...right now he's away in boot camp so there's nothing I can do about anything for the next few weeks. But I do intend on talking to him about all this when he gets back. 

Does anyone think that telling him I don't feel comfortable with him talking to his exs now is ok even though I told him before that I don't care? He changed my comfort level with that and I'm not sure how to tell him.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP...good question ...I will be watching this thread. My wife lies to me. Like Pault I have depression/anxiety much of it Is caused by my wife. These lies cause es me to have suspensions about other things. Trust is a very painful thing to lose

I would much rather have the truth even if It hurts, at least I will know what I am dealing with. The unknown is almost unbearable


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

New&trying said:


> Does anyone think that telling him I don't feel comfortable with him talking to his exs now is ok even though I told him before that I don't care? He changed my comfort level with that and I'm not sure how to tell him.


I think it is more than OK, it is critical that you communicate when something makes you uncomfortable. As a broad generalization there should be zero contact with exes once a person is married. I would be very careful if my spouse were in contact with an ex because even an innocent honest friendship can escalate in an instant into an affair. It happens all the time. All it takes is a little trouble between you and him, and if the ex gives him a little sympathy, it can go like wildfire.

It is different than casual contact with people who have never been a lover. With a casual friend there are a lot of steps to go through to get from acquaintance to having sex. But exes have already been through all those steps, so you can jump right past all that middle ground.

You don't have to tell him why you changed your mind, just that you aren't comfortable with it. You could say something like she just gives you a bad feeling. I've been through this with a FaceBook issue with my wife and an ex of hers from decades ago. Repeat yourself, don't argue. "Honey I just don't feel right about this". "I am asking you to do this in order to protect our marriage".

If he accuses you of being paranoid or jealous you can agree. "Yes I might be acting a bit jealous. Still, I am not comfortable with this. I am asking you to do this in order to protect our marriage".

I think you might benefit from the book "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Smith.


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## New&trying (Aug 23, 2012)

Thor said:


> It is different than casual contact with people who have never been a lover. With a casual friend there are a lot of steps to go through to get from acquaintance to having sex. But exes have already been through all those steps, so you can jump right past all that middle .


Maybe I should clear one thing up here. My husband and I were married young, right out of high school. And I know it's strange it's day in age but we were married virgins. When I talk ago his ex girlfriends I'm talking about high school girlfriends. That was why I was never really worried aBout him talking with them because he was never with another woman that way. Though if he had been that would've been a completely different story.


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## New&trying (Aug 23, 2012)

So I talked to him today and he agreed to stop talking to his ex's. That's one step toward helping me trust him again, and hopefully he'll keep to his promise. Which I believe he will on this one.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

:smthumbup:

A positive step forward!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Tell him that if your marriage is going to be successful you have to be open and honest with each other about everything. 
No secrets, no lies.
Being lied to hurts more than any truthful words can and can destroy your marriage.
Tell him he doesn't need to hide anything from you as you can work through things together, whatever it is.
I have been married nearly 19 years. I wish someone would have given me this advice early on.
Please don't keep any secrets from each other. Share everything and be accepting and supportive whatever arises.
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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