# How can he not miss us????



## specialplace (Aug 18, 2012)

I have been married for almost 20 years to my high school sweetheart. We've always been so close, doing everything together and then with our son, who is now 13. Around his 40th birthday, he started showing signs of a mid-life crisis, told me ILYBINILWY, distancing himself big-time. He claims there is no one else, but I do not believe that is true. He left me two months ago. At first, he said that he wanted to talk, see how things went, etc. Then he said he was never coming back. Then he sort of softened up on that a little. Now, he's back to never coming back. He told me he doesn't care about me or how I am dealing with all of this, he doesn't call because he doesn't have to, and he doesn't miss being in our house with us. How is this possible? Even if he was sick of the fighting or even if he has someone else, he could he possibly never miss anything about our time together and our time as family? I am so sad and lonely and everything reminds me of him. How could he feel that way?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Which question do you want me to answer first?

He does miss you, I can honestly tell you that for sure. He's just trying to maintain this perfect image of himself so he doesn't feel guilty for leaving or cheating or whatever his flawed reasons are. BUT he's been beating himself for so long that he resents you for loving him. He's probably so used to his misery that leaving wasn't a big deal at the time. Now you're left wanting him and telling him so, and he sees himself as not deserving you but deserving something else that boosts his self esteem...... like a sports car or another woman.

Like I always say here "The OW is not what matters", as far as I'm concerned the wayward spouse is like a child, you and the OW (if thee is one) are two different nannies. So if he wants to get his milk and cookies from another woman let him, let her be the one to reward and punish him when he doesn't meet her needs. And honey, these affairs are based on a system of positive reinforcement anyways, not unconditional love. So the only way you're going to succeed in reconciliation, if that' what you want, is by acting happy and rewarding him very slightly for coming around or calling. 

Go NC and ignore any anger (bad boys who act up don't get cookies!) and then when he's good and decides to call, tell him how "it's good to hear from you"...... but don't chase him. No rewarding him with appraisal when he isn't going to come in to say hi. Follow the 180, but do keep positive reinforcement aka dog or clicker training in mind. It really does help.:smthumbup:


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