# Trust, openness and privacy in a relationship



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I've been seeing various discussions and threads on here about trust in relationships and checking on a spouse's email or other online activity.

Two questions:

1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

I'll start, my wife knows I read and post here and I've shown her my account and let her look through any of my posts. And I do the same for any other online groups I'm on.

I don't read her email and so far as I know she doesn't read mine but either of us could if we want to as we both have the access freely given.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

*1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM? * He can read whatever I write here. I leave the computer on while I do other things. Besides he knows my posting name here so he could search my posts if he wanted to. Occasionally, I'll tell him something I've read here. For a while, he was interested in this particular thread I followed. Most of the time he couldn't care less about TAM.

*2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?*

I would be very surprised. But then I have nothing to hide so I doubt he would find anything juicy. He's far better at tech stuff than me so he could theoretically monitor me if he wanted to, but then again I have nothing to hide. He knows my email passwords. I know his. I don't really read his unless I am expecting something on his account or he asks me to check for him. He'll read mine if I'm too busy to check my account. Again, we each have nothing to hide so I don't care if he reads my emails.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Maneo said:


> I've been seeing various discussions and threads on here about trust in relationships and checking on a spouse's email or other online activity.
> 
> Two questions:
> 
> ...


1. I have not let my wife know I am a member of TAM.

2. If I found out that my wife was secretly checking my activity on-line I'd ask why. I have nothing to hide. If she wanted to know about my on-line activity all she has to do is ask.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

He knows I post here, and has read around the site on his own, or sometimes we even talk about topics that came from a thread on here.


We are very transparent so we have passwords to emails etc. If he started checking, I would wonder if something was off in our relationship if he felt the need to do so, but I wouldn't be mad.
I haven't checked his email unless he asked me look pull up something for him, but I've left my email open by accident but it's not a big deal to me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

She found me once, went on an excavation digging up whatever she can find that I posted. She betrayed my trust and my personal space, we had a fight about it but she has apologised and also promised to leave me the fk alone on here and understands this is my journal/venting zone. 

She could care less most of the time now, I hope. This was ages ago however. Still, some details I just don't give out - for peace of mind. She can read whatever she likes. I do give her a few threads every once in a while.

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

Then she would have betrayed my trust 2x and that's just not cool.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

perhaps i should've phrased the question differently - are there areas of privacy in a relationship where one may not share with the partner but may share with others - such as TAM activity or confiding in a friend or family member?

I don't have such need or engage in that behavior in my relationship with my wife but I can see the need for such private areas in relationships.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

We are the same as you Maneo .... I feel VERY strongly about Openness & Honesty ...this thing we call "Transparency" in a marriage..... not because it is demanded...but something deeper than that... not because it is a RULE.... but because WE LOVE.. .because we want to be so very connected to our spouses that we desire to share our innermost thoughts, feelings... this is the ultimate connecting ....and what ultimately builds the deepest of TRUST between 2 people. 

Because this very subject is so close to my heart - I did a thread on it >>>








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html









My husband has known about TAM since the day I found this wonderful forum...my 1st posts were even ABOUT HIM...... something I wanted from him.. we would read the answers together... brainstorm... this was a springboard for our learning more about ourselves even.... it was FUN....

He even made a Profile here months ago, rarely posts but he has about 10+ times (very short) - this is not exactly his thing.. ....I am the writer. We ofen talk about many of the subjects here, it is good for conversation. 

And like yourself.. .we don't go checking on each other -neither has felt the need to do this, or that something was amiss....he knows all my passwords & has access to every key stroke... .. we've both used each other FB's and emails if we hopped on each others computers... it's all commonplace and nothing would surprise either one of us.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Speaking of transparency, it seems that my wife and I are headed towards the road of 100% transparency considering we don't really have a choice if we are to have a chance of fixing our dynamics... it's ironic really


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Well I do confide in a very select few about marriage issues when in I need to vent, however it's not totally private. I might tell my H that I talked to or need to talk to my friend about certain things. But I honestly don't even go into that much detail with her, out of respect for my marriage. Other than that, there isn't anything I can think of that is totally private or kept from my H. Anything I share with others is shared with him.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Maneo said:


> perhaps i should've phrased the question differently - are there areas of privacy in a relationship where one may not share with the partner but may share with others - such as TAM activity or confiding in a friend or family member?
> 
> I don't have such need or engage in that behavior in my relationship with my wife but I can see the need for such private areas in relationships.


I can't think of anything I've shared with someone else that I've deliberately kept from my husband. He's often the first person I tell something to. I hardly confide in my family members or his. Besides my siblings have big mouths so I know anything I say will be repeated. I don't say things I don't mind getting around. 

I've vented to a few online female friends when I've had a marital issue or two, but he knows that I sometimes use them as a sounding board and doesn't mind. Plus, they don't know who we really are, we don't run into them, and they are in other countries or states. 

As for friends, sometimes I've told girlfriends things like say ob/gyn matters I KNOW my husband has no interest in and would prefer I share with female friends, and not him. :rofl:


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?

My partner knows that I'm a member here and I sometimes share what I write with him. 

2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?

It would worry me that he felt the need to do so. My partner is far from controlling, so I would think that he obviously felt that he had good reason to check up on me. I would want to know what I was doing to make him suspicious, and I would deal with it.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Speaking of transparency, it seems that my wife and I are headed towards the road of 100% transparency considering we don't really have a choice if we are to have a chance of fixing our dynamics... it's ironic really


Well, interesting point. Is it possible to be 100% transparent in any relationship - spouse, parent, friend? or 100% honest?

They aren't the same of course - transparent and honest - but have much overlap.

For example, if we are all ready to go out and will be late if we don't leave and my wife asks me how i think she looks, I will likely say, "you look great honey" even if I don't find her dress or her hair totally to my liking at the moment. She just spent a bunch of time making herself up and it really does not matter a hill of beans what I think. She is perfectly fine and most would say looking great. Now if she has a smudge on her cheek or the tag is sticking out of the back of her dress, or there is Really something amiss, I mention that. But, you get the point. Am I being 100% honest? No. Do I have to be?
So where do you set the line over which you do not want to cross in terms of openness?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maneo said:


> 1. How many of you share with your significant other what you write on the TAM site or even let your spouse know you are a member of TAM?


My wife knows. I've read her posts from the board, and entered in topics from TAM into our discussions.

You doesn't post here, but I did transcribe words for her once in a faking orgasm thread where some feistier TAM women were calling her a liar. That's the most interaction she's had with TAM.

She did say once, to my sister "That board is going to kill our marriage!". Sometimes I took topics here, and brought them into our marriage, things that have never been issues for us, but they were so prevalent here on TAM. I had to stop doing that.



Maneo said:


> 2. How would you feel if you discovered your significant other was secretly (without your knowledge) checking on your online activity?


Privacy is very important to me. I know some feel as though you give up the right to privacy when you wed, but I do not. I don't even like it when somebody reads over my shoulder when I have the computer on. I don't check my wife's online activity, and I don't expect her to check mine. If she did I would be more concerned that she felt she even _needed_ to.

I do know the password to her email. She should pretty easily be able to guess mine, but I've never given it. My email passwords are stored on the computer, so she could check it if she really wanted to.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I can't think of anything I've shared with someone else that I've deliberately kept from my husband. He's often the first person I tell something to. I hardly confide in my family members or his. Besides my siblings have big mouths so I know anything I say will be repeated. I don't say things I don't mind getting around.
> 
> I've vented to a few online female friends when I've had a marital issue or two, but he knows that I sometimes use them as a sounding board and doesn't mind. Plus, they don't know who we really are, we don't run into them, and they are in other countries or states.
> 
> As for friends, sometimes I've told girlfriends things like say ob/gyn matters I KNOW my husband has no interest in and would prefer I share with female friends, and not him. :rofl:


Well in regards to "female" things like monthly visits, I tend to be horribly male traditional and want ignorance. Naturally I want to know of medical issues or things that are wrong but when my wife heads for the female section of the store I head for the magazine rack.

Some things I don't want to know! But if I asked she would tell me in detail that would make me wish i hadn't asked.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Maneo said:


> Well, interesting point. Is it possible to be 100% transparent in any relationship - spouse, parent, friend? or 100% honest?
> 
> They aren't the same of course - transparent and honest - but have much overlap.


Well considering we'll be headed for divorce if we don't, but headed for reconciliation if we do, and we both want it to work -> we don't really have a choice now when it comes to being transparent and honest lol



> For example, if we are all ready to go out and will be late if we don't leave and my wife asks me how i think she looks, I will likely say, "you look great honey" even if I don't find her dress or her hair totally to my liking at the moment. She just spent a bunch of time making herself up and it really does not matter a hill of beans. She is perfectly fine and most would say looking great. Now if she has a smudge on her cheek or the tag is sticking out of the back of her dress, or there is Really something amiss, I mention that. But, you get the point. If I being 100% honest? No. Do I have to be?
> So where do you set the line over which you do not want to cross in terms of openness?


I think that's different like, one has to be polite in certain situations. E.G. Wife messes up the chicken again, she asks if it's alright, me: "It's fine hun, it's beautiful", truthful/TAM me: "Jebus I can't believe you undercooked it AGAIN how many times do I have to freakin teach you?" lol

When it comes to more serious issues such as discussing how to work on our dynamics/boundaries/avoiding game playing however, we will need brutal honesty. I hope things go well tomorrow when my wife and I meet up for discussing our marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Maneo said:


> perhaps i should've phrased the question differently - are there areas of privacy in a relationship where one may not share with the partner but may share with others - such as TAM activity or confiding in a friend or family member?


I believe in full privacy within myself. As in I do not believe that I am obligated to divulge my every single thought, or action, to my wife. As long as it's not hurting her, or the marriage, of course.

But there is nothing I've told my friends, or family, that I couldn't tell her. Do I always tell her? No, but it's not an issue of not being able to, or trusting another person with the info more than her.

And some things, while technically they could be shared, I really spare her. Like she knows I can get a really raunchy, dudely convo going with two of my best friends about sex, and women. Can I tell her about them? Yes. But I don't' want to, and she doesn't want to know! :rofl:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Man, my wife wishes I was dishonest about stuff like how the dress looks, and how the chicken turned out LOL.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lol, heh I think though it depends on how much your SO can actually take. For example, I don't want her reading all my threads on TAM not only because it's invasive of my privacy, but also because somethings she just won't be able to handle or will get the wrong impression of. Now at our breaking point however, we have to spill all the beans, it's behavioural correction and rehabitation, so we have no choice if we want it to work lol

I am brutally honest with her in regards to her weight/looks however and she is with me, we both can handle it. She LOVES to cook however, and for the most part nowadays she's not that bad, just from time to time she pulls out something she learnt from Uranus and I go ... :slap: (I own a large restaurant, so I'm hard to please too lol)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jaquen said:


> Privacy is very important to me. I know some feel as though you give up the right to privacy when you wed, but I do not. *I don't even like it when somebody reads over my shoulder when I have the computer on.*










Jaquen... we are so different here!! Is it a 1st ...... just saying.. 

Me & mine feel the complete opposite, I LOVE when he comes up behind me & shows an interest in what I am doing... and he feels the same when I come over to him. If he acted like I was invading his space, that would bother me. But again, we married what works for us !  

He told me once... and I love this quote..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it ".


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Jaquen... we are so different here!! Is it a 1st ...... just saying..
> 
> Me & mine feel the complete opposite, I LOVE when he comes up behind me & shows an interest in what I am doing... and he feels the same when I come over to him. If he acted like I was invading his space, that would bother me. But again, we married what works for us !
> 
> He told me once... and I love this quote..."If I had a cave, I would want you in it ".


My wife is like the two of you, definitely. She has no problem with me looking on her computer screen. She'd love it if I were like that too.

I am, by nature, or nurture, both very honest, and yet very private. Seems like a contradiction, but it's how I operate.

Perhaps that will change some day? I'm open to it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Lol, heh I think though it depends on how much your SO can actually take. For example, I don't want her reading all my threads on TAM not only because it's invasive of my privacy, *but also because somethings she just won't be able to handle or will get the wrong impression of.* Now at our breaking point however, we have to spill all the beans, it's behavioural correction and rehabitation, so we have no choice if we want it to work lol


 And this is 100% right, most people can NOT take it ... We have a guy friend who has told me... this is a strange thing to say...but he's told me I am the only person he knows who LIKES to be insulted.. I can handle honesty...

I expect people to be selfish sometimes, nasty, have bad thoughts, ugly thoughts, lust thoughts, it's all good, it's all human. We can share. 



> I am brutally honest with her in regards to her weight/looks however and she is with me, we both can handle it. She LOVES to cook however, and for the most part nowadays she's not that bad, just from time to time she pulls out something she learnt from Uranus and I go ... :slap: (I own a large restaurant, so I'm hard to please too lol)


 My husband's went on about how DRY my food is, called it cardboard...acted like he was chocking it down... said it looked like Road kill... then he gets the kids involved, we have a good time.. So those really honest moments... he'll at least season them with some humor... and ya know.. that makes family life FUN... 

He also praises me a great deal, and I know when I set my mind to do a good meal, I am a darn GOOD cook, so I am not insecure about a meal here or there. We laugh, we choke it down, tomorrow is a new day, Mom will do better. 

Wouldn't have it any other way.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband knows I post here. We have discussed topics on here a few times. He knows why I joined TAM, and he said TAM has helped me...a lot. There was a point where I told him "oh God, I think I'm gonna get banned" lol... he just said "no! Don't get banned, that board has been helping you!" He also nearly came on here when there was a heated disagreement a few months ago between another poster and myself. I welcomed him to TAM if that was what he wanted to do. Well, thread got locked before he could join so he saw no point in it lol.

I have his passwords, he has mine. I can take his cell phone and use it anytime I wish...and he is free to do the same. We have no secrets, we don't request privacy from each other. The ONLY time either of us hid or tried to hide any of our activities was when we were doing things we shouldn't have been doing. We don't want to go back to that, so we have complete openness.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

We both post here, usually sitting right next to one another bouncing ideas off and getting ideas. He set my account up so he knows the passwords. 

I know his as well. My email is open on my phone (no pass needed) and I have a book with all the sites I signed up for free things, with all my sign in names and passwords. 

He could look all he wants to in my emails, free sites, Facebooks, and my twitter, he set most of them up anyways. 

He dosent need to ask if he can look. I have nothing to hide. I don't erase my texts or alter my phone logs.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And this is 100% right, most people can NOT take it ... We have a guy friend who has told me... this is a strange thing to say...but he's told me I am the only person he knows who LIKES to be insulted.. I can handle honesty...
> 
> I expect people to be selfish sometimes, nasty, have bad thoughts, ugly thoughts, lust thoughts, it's all good, it's all human. We can share.


Yes that is exactly right. It's much easier to be transparent now though compared to when we're married as we don't really have much to lose now, and being brutally honest with each other's games and our dynamics feels more like a loving conversation compared to the dramas that we had during the early days of our seperation.



> My husband's went on about how DRY my food is, called it cardboard...acted like he was chocking it down... said it looked like Road kill... then he gets the kids involved, we have a good time.. So those really honest moments... he'll at least season them with some humor... and ya know.. that makes family life FUN...


I only do that when my wife is in a good mood lol but I still 'lie' like hehe... "I'm only kidding hun", in my mind: "LOL I'm SO NOT KIDDING!"



> He also praises me a great deal, and I know when I set my mind to do a good meal, I am a darn GOOD cook, so I am not insecure about a meal here or there. We laugh, we choke it down, tomorrow is a new day, Mom will do better.
> 
> Wouldn't have it any other way.


Well my wife thinks she's a good cook... :rofl:
But yeah she's alright, and she loves it so that's what important. Alot of women are much worse especially with the new generation, alot of my mates' wives can't cook for sh-t nor have any interest in it and they end up eating out just way too often.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> RandomDude: I am brutally honest with her in regards to her weight/looks however and she is with me, we both can handle it. She LOVES to cook however, and for the most part nowadays she's not that bad, just from time to time she pulls out something she learnt from Uranus and I go ... (I own a large restaurant, so I'm hard to please too lol)


RD, I would be offended if my partner wasn't completely honest with me. Whether it's me having gained a few pounds, an outfit not looking good on me or something I'd cooked not being up to scratch. IMO, if we can't expect honesty from the person we're closest to, who can we expect it from? As long as we do it with kindness, there's nothing wrong with complete honesty.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's difficult when it's a passion of hers, if she proves that she can handle it then sure, I would be more honest with her cooking. But she hasn't when it comes to that. I think transparency goes both ways I guess.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Be honest with your wife about cooking, especially if she enjoys it. Trust me. My wife was a terrible cook, and while I never berated her, I didn't praise bad food either. I am the chef of the family, and tend to get lots of accolades for my cooking, so she wanted to just lean back and let me do all the cooking. I said nope. So it put her in the position to get better, and she has improved immensely.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Random Dude said: *It's difficult when it's a passion of hers, if she proves that she can handle it then sure, I would be more honest with her cooking. But she hasn't when it comes to that. I think transparency goes both ways I guess.


 It is refreshing to hear that you are OPEN to this... and I couldn't agree more with you...that those who have this passion (me being one) must learn to NOT be so darn offended... I'll be the 1st to admit I can be a sensitive one, very much so... but at the same time... I can't allow this to control me & my reactions to other people... When I get hurt, I may even tear up inside ..... but I must be in touch with my emotions... I wouldn't change this about myself.

I have this book >>
Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life: 

When I read this part in chapter 4 ...It resonated with me strongly..


> It's time to discard our culture's testosterone fueled equation of sensitivity with weakness... I've had it with being told to "get a thicker skin" or that I'm overly sensitive.... uninformed remarks that my well meaning parents and perhaps yours, used to spout ... that have been laid to rest long ago. These days, I prize my receptiveness , it gentle sensuality, and will describe ways you can feel *RESILENT* enough to do the same. As a healer and a woman, I want to be penetrable to emotions.
> 
> I have no desire to become calloused, numb, or hermetically sealed to give the frightened part of me the illusion I'm safer. That would be an outright deception, crippling my intuition, eclipsing my romance with life. Of course you don't want to get overloaded. But feeling less isn't the answer...building a solid core and learning to protect you emotional accessibility are.
> 
> ...


That's a great book, though I've only read bits & pieces. I know you so admired your wife's resilience at one time....and I know Random Dude, you can be one of those "Emotional Vampires" !! 

One has to be able to put themselves in anothers shoes & try to understand WHY people say & do the things they do...if we get more clued into this, I think alot of us would be way more understanding of each other -- realizing how we , too, say & think nasty SH** sometimes... Even the most POLITE people on this planet...sometimes they are the most angry and passive aggressive among us. .... Now that is something I could NEVER Live with.... 

I also feel when we get carried away being too honest (it happens- could have used a little more tact, got ahold of the *attitude* before we opened our mouths)...... if it escapes our mouth & it was damagingly hurtful.... we are more likely to go apologize to that person and make it right ~~ or we should - learn some humility for our own faults in a moment. 

I found this article once, and enjyed it very much >>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36460-art-not-being-offended.html


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

My presence on TAM is one of the very few things I don't share with my wife. Not necessarily because I'm trying to hide something, but because I still ask for advice here regarding our relationship, and she is a very VERY private person when it comes to her sex life. If she ever discovered my posts here, she'd be mortified.


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