# Getting my toes wet.



## AlwaysAZ (Jun 26, 2008)

I haven't a clue what to do here really, so please bear with me. 
Some may not even feel my husband has betrayed me but I do.

I found out, while paying the bills, that he had been on three different dating sites. After doing some checking I found that he presented himself as divorced. He was seeking a 'fun loving and passionate, long term relationship'. We have been married 10 years.

Yes, we have some issues in our marriage, mostly due to my not having found a job to return to as of yet that brings in enough money for him. 

That, and quite honestly, I have some issues with sex. I had a hyster 4 years ago. I also had cervical cancer but found out after the hyster. Then I had ovarian cancer, Stage 1A, had my ovaries removed just over a year ago. Since then.......sex is a four letter word. It is not my husband, it is all me. I can't stand it. I don't like to be touched, etc. I have spoken with my doctor and have tried what they have suggested. Nothing is working. I will have sex but I can't handle the foreplay as I once did. I miss it too.

So any way, my husband told me he did this because he was feeling at a loss. I was not meeting his emotional or physical needs. I was not making him feel wanted. His doing this had nothing to do with me, it was all him. He wanted and needed to know he was still desirable, etc. And then once woman began to notice him and 'wink' at him it was like an adrenaline rush, it boosted his ego. He told me that had I not found out he probably would have continued to be doing this. He had no intentions of taking it any where but he could not be sure.

He refused, for days, to tell me what e-mail he used. I only asked the name, not the domain. I was angry then and asked him to prove to me he had disabled his account. All he had to do was send himself and e-mail. If, in fact, the account was disabled an error message would be returned. He was angry and defensive. He finally did it and sure enough, the error message was returned. 

He has not yet answered all of the questions I have. He had told me he will not, he refuses to. He will not hurt me more, he will not play Russian roulette. 

I have my first therapy session on 7/1. I am looking forward to it. Goodness knows I need some help with this and other issues I've been hiding from. He tells me he is waiting until I am ready to meet up in marriage counseling. I feel I need to see someone on my own first. He doesn't feel he needs to. 

You see, he was doing this in our house. Our middle daughter came in the house and noticed one of the sites. His back was to the door. She saw him checking out someone's profile. After I realized what was on the credit card bill she told me what she had seen.

I am hurt, of course, I am angry. I honestly feel as if he has emotionally cheated on me. And he is not being forthcoming with me. 

We both stated our marriage must come first if we are going to work through things. However, he is not doing this. His mother is due to visit in a few weeks. Regardless of when these plans were made our lives have changed, our marriage is a mess. The last thing we need is any one visiting. He doesn't care. He refuses to tell his mother plans have changed. I can like it or I can leave and not see her.

I don't even know what I'm doing. I'm sick, I'm tired, I'm angry and I don't even want to exist. I don't want to be any where near him. One moment I am looking forward to getting past this and the next I just can't take it.

Can someone please tell me I am not alone in this hell?

Also, please excuse any and all typos. If I proof read I may chicken out and not submit this. Just in case any one cares.........my husband is 37, I am 43 and we have been married over 10 years. 

Thanks for taking the time folks!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

What you are going through with all your medical issues is enough of an emotional rollercoaster without the fact that your husband has had an emotional affair and taken away time and energy that could have been devoted to the marriage. There is no doubt you have been wronged.

That said there is no doubt you have helped to set up the situation, Your lack of emotional and sexual contact of your husband has been some time and hard for him to deal with. I think through his lack of communication has hurt and his taking things into his own hands for selfish reasons have hurt you.

But your husband hasn't been the only one selfish. Most marriages have underlining problems that need to be dealt with first before the visable problems can be. In this case the root problem goes to how the intamancy in your relationship is. Just because you don't want it you feel your husband should have to deal with what you want. Because there are issues you feel your in-law shouldn't be there and he should have to deal with it. 

I think that the counciling will help, but you need to open up communication with your husband and need to be partners again. What he did was wrong, no doubts. But if the roles where reversed how would you handle it?

Personally I hope you don't punish him to harshly. However I think it is very important to understand why he did it and to tell him how much it hurt you mentally and emotionally.

I wish you the best.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

:iagree:


I also believe you are taking the right steps in going to counseling yourself first. If your husband doesn’t want to partake in individual but is wanting couple counseling that’s great. This will give you a chance to get your arms around this thing before you go into the emotional process of marriage counseling. As I always state this process may take a long time. I can certainly understand your apprehension with his mother coming however you will need to learn to go on with life as normally as possible or you’ll eat yourself up. While working on your marriage is important take time for your self with other distractions. Kids, work, hobbies… I know this hurts like crazy but it does get better with time. I’ve been where you are.


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## AlwaysAZ (Jun 26, 2008)

Thank you for your replies and your honesty! I so appreciate it.

Last night, while speaking with my husband, he asked me how I knew he wasn't talking to someone. I told him I did not know. He did not want to tell me. He made a conscience decision not to tell me that he has been speaking with his Physc teacher for a few weeks now. He told me it is none of my business and does not concern me at all and never will. I didn't ask what they talked about. 

I was upset because the night before I had asked him about seeing someone on his own and he told me no. He is still not being honest with me. This morning he told me I need to get over what he did and do it now, otherwise he cannot go on with me. It hasn't even been two weeks.

He told me that he will always have his secrets because I do not have to know everything, that what he does in his life is his business.

How can we move forward when I already do not trust him due to what he did......and now this. I am open and honest with him and am trying to work on my own issues, especially the issue with sex. He feels I should 'give it up' no matter what. I'm trying to wrap my mind around that and do just that. As a matter of fact, I did just that this past Saturday. It was very hard for me, considering I don't trust him and I couldn't help but wonder who was on his mind. I didn't say any of these things to him. 

He wants us to go to marriage counseling with her because then he will not have to go through the base. His command will know nothing. Excuse me! He has been talking with her for weeks, I do not even know her name, she is his teacher, and he wants me to feel comfortable and trust in a situation like this. Honestly, it feels more of a trap to me. An emotional trap.

I am so open to counseling, for myself and together, because I know I need it. But I am honest about it. He knows when I go and who I will be seeing. Actually, I am seeing a friend of his teacher. She recommended her. I really am beginning to fell set up. Yes, paranoid, I know.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi Getting my toes wet,

I feel your pain as I am going through the similar thing with him not being honest. I will be posting shortly so you can read it. I hope it will help you as I do have information from a very good counselor from whom I did NOT take her advice. Right now I feel like a fool for that but it isn't easy. I have just joined this website because I feel the torment same as you and everyone that has experienced this hell, and hope I can contribute to helping others from my experience, as well as myself. I think you will need to draw some uncomfortable bounderies with your husband just as I will with mine. 

I wish you healing sister.

CAO428


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