# List of things I need advice on...



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

There are some things that I do not know how to handle and it would be nice to get some perspectives. Sorry if I ramble in some of this... I hope it's coherent enough to follow. I had to get this out somehow...

There has been a recurring things in our 1 year+ relationship which is hard to describe. My girlfriend would from time to time become really frustrated, and after a long day at work would call me on her way home. The things that she say to me just don't sit right. I am not sure if all girls do this and it's just something I need to blow off, but she seems so melodramatic at times that it almost makes me gag and sometimes pisses me off. Like, we are moving in together in about a month and a half and she was telling me last night that I am making no effort to split half of everything like we agreed (financially). Neither of us have anything to move in with so we are buying new/used things to fill our apartment with. One of the things we bought was a bed which cost $70 and she was so excited when we found it at Habitat for Humanity that she paid for it. Neither of us thought twice about it because it was a really good day that day and it wasn't that expensive. I have also gone out and bought things myself for the apartment like a nice knife set, bed comforter set, vacuum, and lots of other things but I don't ask her to pay for half of everything I buy. She just happened to bring up last night that the "bigger" things I am not paying for my half. I told her I know we agreed to split everything, but the bed wasn't that big of a expense and it isn't like I intentionally forgot to give her her half of the amount for the bed... I just forgot about it. I got pissed off that we were talking about that because then I was like," In that case, why don't you pay for half of the knife set, comforter set, and everything else i've bought." She kept telling me that's not the point and i'm just not getting it. That seems to be a recurring theme for us. Every time we argue, I apparently never "get it." Whatever it is. And the melodrama continues when we have a argument that she always says," How can I move in with someone who argues with me so much? (Or) I feel like this whole moving in thing is driving us apart instead of bringing us together." And when I hear her stay this stuff I just get mad because we would be "arguing" over the smallest thing. Like, she found this dresser she really likes and wanted to buy it. I told her I don't like dressers and I would rather not have one in our room, but I can see she really wants one so I told her she can have one if she wants since it would make her happy. However, this was a Ikea dresser she really likes. I text messaged the girl who was selling it and asked her when I can come see it and she said tomorrow. I text messaged the girl again and asked her what tie would be good, but I never got a response so I assumed she must have sold it. My girlfriend checks her email a few hours later and told me the girl responded to her email to tell her the dresser was sold and she was telling me last night how it hurts her that I am not looking for a dresser for her and that I did not call the girl again to ask her about the drawer. I told her I am not searching the internet for drawers because I don't like drawers, I don't own one, and I think they are a waste of space. So if I were to look for a drawer I wouldn't know whether it was a good one or not, of if she would even like it. So I told her to just look for the drawer herself and when she finds one she likes i'll pay for half and pick it up for her. She responds with," That's not the point. I'm sure if it was any of your Exes then you would be looking for a drawer for them to make them happy." I got pissed at that as well so I just let it go at that point and told her that wasn't true at all. 

Another thing that comes up is how she would tell me at random times that she does not feel attractive. Like I would be at work and she would text message me and tell me how ugly she feels today, or how horrible she looks. Even when she tells me that stuff in person I always say that's ridiculous and that she looks fine but she just shakes her head and looks away. I know all women do this... I mean, my mother still does it too just not as often as my girlfriend. Honestly, it is emotionally draining sometimes to hear her because I can't seem to say anything to make her feel better. So should I just ignore and just let her deal with it? Sometimes I hear it so much that I don't know what to respond and I force myself to say you look fine. I don't feel like saying it sometimes only because I feel like I say it too often and sometimes I get angry when she says those things about herself. 

Another biggie recurring thing between us involves sex. I have a history of anxiety and depression among other problems, but I also can get in very odd moods when it almost feels like I don't care about anyone else's needs and I won't do anything I don't feel like doing. Like, multiple times my girlfriend has asked me if I wanted to have sex and when I would say i'm not really in the mood or I am too tired she would take it personally every single times. I can't even remember the amount of times she has cried because I wasn't in the mood, or just because I didn't want to. There are times where I just won't want to have sex... I don't feel like putting the effort forward (lazyness?) Anyway, she ask me how even if I am not in the mood why I can't just please her? And honestly, my attitude about it is just that I don't feel like it. Like, sex could be the furthest thing in my mind at that point and I don't see why I have to do something I don't want to do... especially that. I mean, it's not like we very rarely have sex. Our sex varies because our schedules are so crazy. My girlfriend has a much larger libido than I do and I have told her that before a bunch of times, but she still takes it personal when I don't want to have sex. Another thing she has brought up to me more often lately is how she doesn't feel close to me as she did before. This seems to be a recurring thing where we would both feel really good for a while, but then things would plateau and we would end up talking about how things feel different. But the truth is she works a lot... like sometimes 8 days in a row and does hard work. But even on days she works we visit sometimes in the morning for a couple hours (2-4 hours) and I sometimes visit her at work before I go home at night for her half an hour break. So I feel like we are trying our best to see each other but it never seems to be enough. 

Another problem is that she gets depressed when I don't answer her phone calls or respond to her text messages because she would tell me" ...you have a life, friends, and family you can spend time with and I don't. I feel like I am always working and coming home and repeating every single day." I do really wish she had more friends that she can get close with some it would take some of this pressure off of me but idk what to tell her about it. I don't want my world just revolving around our relationship because then I start obsessing about everything and I get anxious about it all. She would tell me how the only thing getting her through her days is the thought that we will be able to move in and start a life together. I told her before that she needs to find friends but it's hard for her to trust ANYONE because of her past... so what can be done? 

I guess that is it for now. I'm sorry if I rambled a lot but I had to get it out the best way it came to mind. I would really appreciate some constructive criticisms/comments.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

After reading all of that I have reached a conclusion. You two are incompatible. Why would you want to live together? I spent 25 years married to someone. We were somewhat compatible in the beginning. I don't see your situation getting any better over time.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

I totally agree with 827Aug....you're incompatible in some really important relationship areas and moving in together at this time doesn't really sound like a good idea. 

Moving in together does two things....it liberates the good things about your relationship but it compounds the not so good stuff as well, which can make life almost unbearable at times. I guess you need to ask yourself whether all the good things you share will out weigh and be able to carry through the not so good things.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sounds ot me like a LOT of issues need to be worked out long before you make the commitment of living together.

You guys are already arguing and you're not even in the same house yet - doesn't sound like a good plan.

Maybe these are "red flags" you need to pay attention to and not sweep under the rug. I don't care how good the SEX IS, it won't make up for everything else in the long run.

Also sounds to me like she talks to you like you're one of her girlfriends instead of her man.

My advice.

Don't move in together.

Stay boyfriend and girlfriend and look for someone who doesn't "piss you off" all the time.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I am not sure if it makes a difference, but she just left my house and we were laying in bed talking and she said she was sorry for everything. She apologized and said she was stupid and how she was wrong about all of it. She said she just had a really rough day at work. Her uncle died to among other things.

I have read the comments here and whenever I think about leaving her, it makes me anxious. I feel like I don't want to. I think that when things are good between us they are great. We can be ourselves around each other and we compliment each other in good ways. I have never done anything like this before like live on my own, and I think if anything this move will either make us or break us. The truth is that we aren't moving much together when we live apart and with our schedules. Also, when we spend more time together as opposed to just a few hours together during the week everything is fine. It's when we don't see each other for a while that she starts talking to me about how she feels we are drifting apart.

I do agree that she talks to me like I was one of her girlfriends at times, and that can be confusing and awkward because I don't know how to respond to some of it sometimes. 

I am relatively inexperienced in relationships, and sometimes I feel like I am immature when it comes to relationships too and I am trying my best to make this work because I do love her a lot. I just get really frustrated at times because I don't know how to handle some situations.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

surfergirl said:


> I totally agree with 827Aug....you're incompatible in some really important relationship areas and moving in together at this time doesn't really sound like a good idea.
> 
> Moving in together does two things....it liberates the good things about your relationship but it compounds the not so good stuff as well, which can make life almost unbearable at times. I guess you need to ask yourself whether all the good things you share will out weigh and be able to carry through the not so good things.


^What they said.^


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

psnuser12 said:


> I am not sure if it makes a difference, but she just left my house and we were laying in bed talking and she said she was sorry for everything. She apologized and said she was stupid and how she was wrong about all of it. She said she just had a really rough day at work. Her uncle died to among other things.
> 
> I have read the comments here and whenever I think about leaving her, it makes me anxious. I feel like I don't want to. I think that when things are good between us they are great. We can be ourselves around each other and we compliment each other in good ways. I have never done anything like this before like live on my own, and I think if anything this move will either make us or break us. The truth is that we aren't moving much together when we live apart and with our schedules. Also, when we spend more time together as opposed to just a few hours together during the week everything is fine. It's when we don't see each other for a while that she starts talking to me about how she feels we are drifting apart.
> 
> ...


Sorry, my opinion remains the same. You are both young, immature, and incompatible. Immaturity and youth are both manageable in a relationship. Incompatibility means you will never have a strong foundation from which to build a lasting relationship.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Sorry, my opinion remains the same. You are both young, immature, and incompatible. Immaturity and youth are both manageable in a relationship. Incompatibility means you will never have a strong foundation from which to build a lasting relationship.


Agreed - you're fighting over 2 of the 3 biggies- money and sex. The third is children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

surfergirl said:


> I totally agree with 827Aug....you're incompatible in some really important relationship areas and moving in together at this time doesn't really sound like a good idea.
> 
> I guess you need to ask yourself whether all the good things you share will out weigh and be able to carry through the not so good things.


What are the really important relationship areas? I feel in my heart it is wrong to just quit right now and i'd regret it if I did... but at the same time I can't get this depressed feeling to go away. When we are having good times they are great, and we spend much more time being good than arguing. I also am really inexperienced in relationships (I feel) and I don't want to leave prematurely.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

827Aug said:


> After reading all of that I have reached a conclusion. You two are incompatible. Why would you want to live together? I spent 25 years married to someone. We were somewhat compatible in the beginning. I don't see your situation getting any better over time.


:iagree:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

How old are you both? I'm guessing well under 20.
If you're having discussions like this, neither of you are even remotely ready to live together; you both need to demonstrate you can be your own persons and live on your own before you can be the other half of a live-in relationship.
Clearly she's been very anxious about moving in together, and neither of you have basic agreement on how 'splitting things' will get handled just in preparing to get into the place -- even before you get to day-to-day things like how the housework, bill paying, tv channel selection, what to eat for dinner, what temparature to set the thermostat, or what brand of toilet paper to buy comes up.
Go slow. Really slow. Work on yourselves; date of you want to, until such time that you both just cannot stand to not be with each other 24 x 7 for another minute. Then wait some more.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

2xloser said:


> How old are you both? I'm guessing well under 20.
> If you're having discussions like this, neither of you are even remotely ready to live together; you both need to demonstrate you can be your own persons and live on your own before you can be the other half of a live-in relationship.
> Clearly she's been very anxious about moving in together, and neither of you have basic agreement on how 'splitting things' will get handled just in preparing to get into the place -- even before you get to day-to-day things like how the housework, bill paying, tv channel selection, what to eat for dinner, what temparature to set the thermostat, or what brand of toilet paper to buy comes up.
> Go slow. Really slow. Work on yourselves; date of you want to, until such time that you both just cannot stand to not be with each other 24 x 7 for another minute. Then wait some more.


I am 25 and she is 23. I could never be with someone 24/7 and I don't think that is healthy. I have my own hobbies and she respects them and lets me do my thing for the most-part so that i'm grateful for. I've done my own thing and been selfish for the past 25 years and I think it is time for me to grow up. I mean, I couldn't even buy a car a couple weeks ago without feeling the need for my parents' approval... I got a second job so I can move out too, so I think i'm being responsible. The discussion I talked about only ever came up once. We have talked about how everything will be split and we have it pretty well figured out I think as far as the expenses. We've sat down many many times to list all of our expenses and we have figured out how to make it work financially. 

I talked to my parents about all my concerns and they told me that you won't get anywhere without taking that first step, and I like the saying "The first step to getting ahead is to get started," and i've lived with my parents for 25 years and I think it's time I get started. My anxiety is something I have always grappled with and i've talked to my girlfriend about it and she wants to help me, and actually listens to me unlike anyone else i've ever dated. I think working through my own problems by myself would be a lot more miserable experience than doing it with someone who loves me through whatever crap I go through.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

you don't need a live-in gf, you need a roommate to split your financial costs and maybe a little of the work around the house.

BIG difference. Get out on your own, don't ruin a relationship that isn't what you think it is (yet?). Neither of you are ready.


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