# Do you believe in learning to love?



## kitkateybug (Jun 9, 2012)

A quick question. Example, do two people have to be in love with each other before they marry or is "learning to love" one another possible, and maybe how long it takes. Personally, I don't. I believe it takes a lot more than telling yourself to love someone before you genuinely love them.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Huh....maybe 50/50?

I do think that sometimes love can be a decision. But I also think there is a chemistry in true love that just cannot be faked. (In fact, some would tell you that it's all chemistry.)

So, I just don't know.


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## kuteguy (Jun 15, 2012)

You should see my post
I've been trying to love 'my' good woman for 10yrs, and it hasn't happened

Why do you ask? Are you trying to love or the other way around?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

depends on your cultural upbringing.

In many countries, where arranged marriages still take place. I believe a lot of those marriages become successful after time, because they HAVE learned to love each other. However, it is also (in my opionion) that those cultures do not cultivate the idea of "romantic love" in their youths like so much our the western cultures do.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

When you look at someone like Mother Theresa, you learn that anyone can be loved, but the question is can they love you back.

I think that is the reality no matter who it is. The odds increase if there is the nature influence of attraction, but that fades over time. The reality of the mature love needs to kick in and this is where I do believe "learning to love" is possible in any relationship. Maturity is the key.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I think it is a combination. While, in the beginning, it may be the chemistry of "falling in love"... at some point, it is truly working to STAY in love. In that case, you are learning to love the person he or she is now becoming...evolving from the person you met/fell in love with.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I think there has to be an initial attraction to carry you through the difficults times in a marriage. I think the "learning to love" part comes after the honeymoon is over. It's real work baby!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

kitkateybug said:


> A quick question. Example, do two people have to be in love with each other before they marry or is "learning to love" one another possible, and maybe how long it takes. Personally, I don't. I believe it takes a lot more than telling yourself to love someone before you genuinely love them.


I think no matter how in love you are with a person you definitely have to contionue to learn to love.

But I get your question. In general I would say if you have to ask yourself if you could learn to love someone before you marry them, then do not marry them. 

I think you have to be obsessed with wanting to be with someone to start with. That cools but you can continually fall in love with them over time. 

This said, it is way easier to keep falling back in love with someone if you can remember the other times.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

kitkateybug said:


> A quick question. Example, do two people have to be in love with each other before they marry or is "learning to love" one another possible, and maybe how long it takes. Personally, I don't. I believe it takes a lot more than telling yourself to love someone before you genuinely love them.


I think it could be hit or miss.Imo I think people should take their time because marriage is such a big commitment.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you can learn to love someone if A) you didn't have existing opinions that interfered and B) if you're receptive. 

As Chelle points out, many arranged marriages report greater happiness over time instead of a drop in satisfaction like we see with our own marriage models. 

I think that if you don't have an idea of what is "supposed to" be, and you're open to learning what "is" instead, you can certainly learn to appreciate and value another person more than if you simply match them up to your own expectations before really knowing them, only to later discover they don't match up as well as you expected. (I am using "you" in the general sense, not pointing anyone out.)


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## singnangel_0 (Jun 15, 2012)

Very interesting thought. I've thought about this before because if you look throughout history when marriages have been forced upon royalty or rearranged marriages in some cases partners end up loving one another. 
I think it depends on the people's willingness to love. You can fight against love for another for years, picking on all the negative you see and the differences between you two, seeing how it couldn't work out.. BUT if you focus on their positive attributes, whatever kindness and love they share toward others, similarities between you and become optimistic you may learn to love them. After all, if you do believe that all humans are in their core good then couldn't you love them?
I would not suggest this mindset before the choice of marriage though. You MUST feel friendship, support and fidelity toward them before any serious commitment like that is performed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kitkateybug said:


> A quick question. Example, do two people have to be in love with each other before they marry or is "learning to love" one another possible, and maybe how long it takes. Personally, I don't. I believe it takes a lot more than telling yourself to love someone before you genuinely love them.


I really think we have been spoiled rotten on *ROMANCE *in the Western World and we have all these fairy tales swirling in our heads...It has become our expectation....I am sooo guilty of this, you have no idea. Our children grow up on Love stories, cartoons are full of romance, every Disney movie ...even between Dogs, Lions and Ogres! It's on every magazine in line for groceries. 

In these other countries...where *Arranged marraiges * are common- where they must *learn to love*... they are missing much of this "Hollywood Romance" we are bombarded with.......life may be very difficult, children work- not play with ipods, it's about survival..for many women... just having a man take her hand in marraige -this could be a huge answer to prayer, she has no choice. 

For those that do = happiness...arranged marraiges prove that LOVE can be Learned if we strip all the fairy tales & expectations away from our psyche somehow, and have an outlook of thankfulness for the little things, appreciation that we have someone to share our life with...and Gratitude. 

For the more Romantic souls among us though... who have no choice & are big dreamers... I am sure many must pray for contentment as they know there is no other option. I think we can all learn to enjoy our circumstances when choices are stripped from us- so long as abuse is not present. It's "Learn to enjoy" or be miserable till death. 

But those romantic souls... for instance... Jacob in the Bible ...was not content with Rachel's sisters....he worked for her hand for 7 yrs, then was tricked by her father & given a sister...then determined to work another 7 for the her hand - this one special woman. Jacob and Rachel: A Bible Love Story

So not so sure if one can ever cleanse their soul of that 1st love ... Some things never die. Could he have loved her sisters, maybe but never as much as her. Just a thought. I am sure there was mega "attraction" going on -for him to feel THAT strongly. 

I feel it depends on the person- personally.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I see love as two things. First there’s that feeling of being in love. For me that’s pure chemistry and to try and rationalise it, break it down into it’s component parts is what I believe philosophers have being trying to do for millennia but without much success.

I think scientists get much nearer to this feeling of being in love when they analyse what actually happens when we fall in love. It has a massive amount to do with how the other person looks, the persona they project and yes their mixture of chemicals. There is one heck of a lot in the pheromones we give out and take in. And it’s these which create the magnetic attraction. If the pheromones don’t “mix” then there’s no attraction and in some ways we may even be repelled.


So we’re “in love” and that feeling can happen in an instant. She/he is the one for us and we make that life time commitment long before we get to truly know them and long before we actually get married. Those good old pheromones keep us feeling in love and help us get through some of the toughest times in our marriage.

But love is about more than feeling in love. It is about expressing the love we feel to the person we are in love with. So the second part of love is performing loving actions. These loving actions are grouped in five categories: affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch.

So both partners are in love and express their love with loving actions.

But problems arise down stream in that each partner may have different love languages. So although they both still feel in love and they both continue giving their love through their loving actions, neither actually feels loved by the other. I think this one of the saddest things in a marriage. One can tell the other that they love them, but they just don’t feel loved.

So for me “learning to love” is about learning to love your partner in ways such that they actually feel loved. This can be tremendously difficult as it can be a very unnatural way for the person to express their love and in the initial stages of trying they can look very awkward and forced. But the fact that they at least try speaks volumes of their love for you.


I think this chemical reaction between two people is the “crush” often spoken of. And I believe that crush is there for a very specific reason. It’s there to bring two genetically compatible and magnetically attracted people together to have and raise children within a family.

That genetic compatibility and magnetic attraction via all of our five senses is immensely bonding. And that bonding can take place so very quickly and last for so very long it’s quite unbelievable.



Even after affairs, betrayals and what else that happens within a marriage that feeling of being in love may never leave us. But what will happen is that in order to protect ourselves from further pain we will put boundaries up and part of our boundary is our cessation of any loving actions even though we may still be in love.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *AFEH said*: But problems arise down stream in that each partner may have different love languages. So although they both still feel in love and they both continue giving their love through their loving actions, neither actually feels loved by the other. I think this one of the saddest things in a marriage. One can tell the other that they love them, but they just don’t feel loved.
> 
> So for me “learning to love” is about learning to love your partner in ways such that they actually feel loved. *This can be tremendously difficult as it can be a very unnatural way for the person to express their love and in the initial stages of trying they can look very awkward and forced*. But the fact that they at least try speaks volumes of their love for you.


 Boy do I ever agree with this...especially the "tremendously difficult" part. I've seen tons of threads on this forum where someone doesn't care for too much "TOUCH" , they feel the other is Needy, too clingy, it becomes a contention between them... it is near work to love their spouse the way they crave...I always feel so very sad for the physical touching spouse. 

A very important peice of wisdom I talk to my sons about.....is to be sure to marry a woman with their particular love languages in a very similar order... IT IS HUGE!!! Cause at the end of the day, we want what we want, we feel loved a certain way -it is not going to change...why bang our heads against the wall with someone who can't "get us" :banghead::banghead::banghead:....it is a huge piece of compatability. 

Me & my husband has them in the SAME order- near the same % even... and honestly...it makes life and marriage flow so very very smoothly....it amazes me many times over just how perfectly matched we are. 

I really believe I would be miserable if I was married to a "ACTS of Service" husband with TIME at the bottom of his love languages... I would likely be very frustrated ...and just KNOWING he is pushing himself to cuddle me or spend time with me would near devestate me, I want that to be mutually shared or it destroys it, throws it on the ground. I know me and I am very sensitive in this way. 

I have witnessed a marraige where the wife & husband are utter opposites of me & my husband ...(but they were matched perfectly in their LL's) and no surprise...also very very happy...married 39 yrs... I imagined myself in HER shoes...honestly.... it would be a descent into "boringness" in my opinion...  The story here on my thread - 2nd to the last post >>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...anguages-how-does-affect-your-marraige-3.html


The 5 Love Languages Assessment


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I believe in learning to love, most certainly.
What it means is learning what you can do to make your spouse feel loved. That is something a person must learn.

You can learn to feel like you love someone. You learn the part you give and pray that your spouse does the same.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I don't fall in love quickly, so for me it's (a) chemistry and then (b) getting to know them. For love to grow, however, I have to agree with AFEH's comment:-

"So for me “learning to love” is about learning to love your partner in ways such that they actually feel loved."

I also think that love isn't go to be enough if our "love language" is vastly different.


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