# My world has fallen apart



## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

My wife and I have been together since Feb 2000 and lived together almost as long. We married last April and got pregnant last August (planned), the baby is due in May.

Last Sunday I came home to a bombshell from her, in floods of tears she told me she doesn't love me anymore. She has stayed at her parents all week with no contact from her, I of course sent texts and emails but got no answers. 

She came over yesterday and again in floods of tears and told me she doesn't think she can love me again and there is someone else she has feelings for. We talked for a short time and went for a nice walk together (just received a text to say yes to another walk today). 

We have always been best friends and ironically enough have never had a serious argument in our ten years together. I knew that she wasn't herself over the last few months but I put it down to the pregnancy, it turns out she hasn't been happy since the summer but never tried to talk about it. That's the bit that really hurts, I have so many questions going through my head, why has she given up without trying?

Another fear is for our baby, I really want to be around him everyday to bond with him. I can't stand the thought of not putting him to bed, getting up in the night to feed him or be woken by him in the morning. She has said he will have two parents who love him but I am so scared we'll never truly connect.

One positive outcome from yesterday is that we will go to counselling, she was reluctant as she didn't want to give me false hope but I feel she owes me, our baby and our history this much. I just want to know how we got to this position, why she bottled it up, why she didn't try. I know she still cares deeply for me and have wondered if the pregnancy has had an influence on her thought processes. All I want is to get to May and meet our baby, I wonder if that might make a difference.

Am I crazy to have hope?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

How has your sex life been from the beginning up until now? That is often the ultimate measure of how she feels about YOU. 

Usually women have affairs because their men:
- don't pay enough attention to them OR
- are too nice to them - too loving, too clingy, too needy

When was the last time she did something you didn't like and you went toe to toe until she said she was sorry and wouldn't do it again? What about you? What do you do when you are in the wrong. 




James1977 said:


> My wife and I have been together since Feb 2000 and lived together almost as long. We married last April and got pregnant last August (planned), the baby is due in May.
> 
> Last Sunday I came home to a bombshell from her, in floods of tears she told me she doesn't love me anymore. She has stayed at her parents all week with no contact from her, I of course sent texts and emails but got no answers.
> 
> ...


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> How has your sex life been from the beginning up until now? That is often the ultimate measure of how she feels about YOU.
> 
> Usually women have affairs because their men:
> - don't pay enough attention to them OR
> ...


Our sex life was always pretty good, maybe not as frequent for some periods as early on.

Maybe I was too nice, I went through a tough year last year and I read on here this morning that you can't make someone else happy without being happy yourself.

Your question about actions when right or wrong is very hard to answer, it might seem unhealthy but we are so similar in our thoughts that I can honestly say we have never gone toe to toe. Maybe if we had things would be different.

We just went for a walk, there was a little talking but not much. Mostly about the baby and how I fear missing out on the important first months. She said she will consider us being under the same roof for that time.

I don't want to lose hope yet.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

James1977 said:


> My wife and I have been together since Feb 2000 and lived together almost as long. We married last April and got pregnant last August (planned), the baby is due in May.
> 
> Last Sunday I came home to a bombshell from her, in floods of tears she told me she doesn't love me anymore. She has stayed at her parents all week with no contact from her, I of course sent texts and emails but got no answers.
> 
> ...


First of all if she is going to counselling reluctantly & just because u insist , I dont think it will help much .
u said " She still cares deeply for me ...." It might sound harsh but I dont think she cares deeply for u because she would not have been bottling up the issues for so 
long only to end it abruptly without trying . leaving u for someone else .I would not be impressed by her flood of tears because she is just trying to look like a victim despite the fact that she's leaving u for someone else . 

Be strong & I think counselling might help in some way or other.

best of luck


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> First of all if she is going to counselling reluctantly & just because u insist , I dont think it will help much .
> u said " She still cares deeply for me ...." It might sound harsh but I dont think she cares deeply for u because she would not have been bottling up the issues for so
> long only to end it abruptly without trying . leaving u for someone else .I would not be impressed by her flood of tears because she is just trying to look like a victim despite the fact that she's leaving u for someone else .
> 
> ...


I understand what you are saying. After speaking to a few others that know her well they believe as I do that this is totally out of character. I don't think she is coping that well with the pregnancy, that added to typical financial and work pressures have created a downward spiral. 

One thing I will say about her tears are that they are genuine, she is the most caring, loving person I have ever met and that is a large part of why I love her so much. 

I am trying to do the right things by allowing her some space but also arranging to see each other and do baby things together a few times a week, she agreed to this instantly. 

I find it hard to accept that her feelings for the other person are genuine as they have manifested in a time of great stress and confusion for her.

She knows I will always be there for her and the baby.


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

Who Er


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

MrP.Bodybig said:


> Who Er


?


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

We have a counselling session tomorrow, I have these points I want addressed.

- I want to understand what happened and why?
- I want to know why she thinks the marriage isn't worth saving
- I want to know why she let it come to this

I'm not overly optimistic, does anyone else have any thoughts on what I should look for in the session?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't waste your time in counseling talking about ANYTHING except the affair she's having. Even if it's just an emotional affair, do NOT discuss anything until she is willing to give up this other man. Do NOT let the counselor off the hook, either. Point out to the counselor that it doesn't matter what he wants you two to do, if she knows there is 'someone' out there waiting to be her knight in shining armor.

You may also point out that pregnancy (hormones) is an awful time to make life-altering decisions.

But above all, do not let this get into a 'he does this, he does that' session unless you're discussing the cheating first.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Turnera is 100 percent correct.

Until the affair man is out of the picture, there will be no progress.

A woman is going to be only emotionally attached to one man at a time, and right now this is the affair man.

These other things you are asking, the how's and why's, and why your woman is not willing to invest in the marriage, is exactly this.

It is startling and very confusing to see how the woman is so shutting off completely, but that is how it works if you are not the man she is emotionally connected to, and she is connected to some other affair man. 

It is very much this, like a switch turned off in her heart.

I wish you well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, don't forget that cheaters LIE. The woman who is your wife is out of town; the woman addicted to another man is now in her place, and she will LIE to keep that 'high' going - even in counseling. Kindly point out the addiction to your counselor.


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

I don't know how to get the other man out of the picture, how can I break that attachment?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

MEM11363 in post #2 is on target.

For a woman to be in the arms of an affair man, it is usually either from neglect of her husband, or her husband is too much the "nice guy" and not lighting her fire.

To win a woman back in the long term, find and fix this problem is the goal.

But in the short term, for a woman to be "confused" or "love you but not in love with you" or "love you like a brother" or any such thing, and this is because there is some affair man in the picture, it is only one thing to do, and that is to be insisting she is not speaking or in any way contacting this man any more, and be the man to make this happen.

Do not back down on this point, there is nothing to be gained to be soft or try to appease your woman in this state. 

For this important fact, make sure you are perfectly understanding this:The man that fights hardest for her, is in her mind the one that is loving her the most.

And know that "fighting" for your woman is not being "friendly" or "understanding the affair" or any other nonsense. 

Instead it is just this simple rule: Fight, and fight hard.

Even if this means you are perfectly willing to cut your woman loose if she is not giving up the affair man. 

This is the only way to win back a woman in this scenario, for her to see you will be happy and successful even without her, will make her deep in her feminine mind be very worried that this affair man is a mistake, and "weaker than you", and instead she is missing out on the stronger man, who "loves her more" and "desires her more". Do not miss this.

Again, insist that this contact with the affair man stop. Do NOT back down on this, even if it requires much courage on your part.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

James,
This is clearly a case of way too nice way too weak. Be clear on this - your wife has made a choice. That CHOICE is to spend enough time with another man to begin to destroy/fully destroy your marriage. THAT is infidelity. And you have yet to stand up for yourself at all. You need to tell her that unless she immediately stops seeing this man/ends her affair and it is at LEAST an EA if not a full blown PA, you are going to inform everyone the two of you know that she is having an affair and is thinking of divorcing you. And when you find out who the man is, if married you will tell his wife. 

And let her know that if she persists in seeing him - which is a hateful thing to do to YOU, you will file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity and emotional cruelty. 

Your whole reaction to this reflects a total lack of self respect. If this is how you acted during most of the marriage it SCREAMS conflict avoidant. Women do not remain with conflict avoidant men. 

If you man up you just might increase her respect for you enough to have a shot. But worst case, you will have gone out fighting. 



James1977 said:


> I don't know how to get the other man out of the picture, how can I break that attachment?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also tell her that if she doesn't leave him behind, you will call BOTH of them up on the stand in court to testify and they will either have to admit what they've done or lie under oath.

Now is NOT the time to be nice. She NEEDS you to be strong, to wean her off the drug of the OM.


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## RivaSoul (Feb 2, 2010)

You seem like such a good man, I feel the pain you are dealing with. Perhaps it is because you are too nice that she feels so painfully emotional over what she has done, but regardless to anything, the bottom line remains that she cheated on you and you have to look at it from that perspective. It's good that you guys are keeping it so amicable, especially where there is a kid involved, but just don't go looking for something that is not there and stay true to yourself.

I hope it all works out for you.


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

Well counselling was a waste of time, I got no answers, the counsellor couldn't get her to open up.

When leaving I lost my temper a little and let her know what I think, told her I wouldn't stop fighting until I had done everything I could and would then move on without looking back. Made it clear that she had made the choice to let this happen and was the most selfish act I had ever heard of. 

I will be letting her know shortly that everyone we know is going to be told what has happened.

I'm angry and ready to move on, I have no doubt she will regret this in the end.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NO! Don't TELL her that you will be telling others!

Why? Because she will call them ahead of you and say 'James is being crazy. I'm scared of him. He's acting nuts. Nothing he says is making sense. Protect me.' 

And when you call, they'll all chew YOU out.

Just call them. Ask them to help.


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

Nice point! She's going to be pretty angry and I worry that it will sour things to the point where she won't involve me in the pregnancy. That I don't want to lose.

How would they help?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They would help by you telling them that she's having an emotional affair with someone, and she needs to be level headed about your marriage and not make decisions because some man is whispering sweet nothings in her ear. You ask them to talk to her, if they feel so inclined. You would appreciate their help in talking to her, asking her what's going on? And if they find out from her that you are doing something wrong, you want to know what it is, so you can stop it!

Hopefully, when they hear that she is in an affair, they'll give her a talking to. You can't count on that, but you can hope for it. But bottom line, they may let her know that they KNOW she's cheating, and that may wake her up to what's going on, so that she stops all contact with whoever this guy is.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

James1977 said:


> Well counselling was a waste of time, I got no answers, the counsellor couldn't get her to open up.


Do you mind if I point out something? Counselors are not magicians or mind readers. We can not magically distinguish "the truth" from a lie any more than you can. If a client says that they're spouse did XYZ there is no little counselor-alarm so that we know the real truth ... that the spouse did XYZ because the client did UVW to set them off. To a degree, if a person has determined in their heart to not change and not cooperate, then a counselor can not "make them" open up and be willing. So just please do try to bear that mind.  We are humans too!

*************
Now regarding your situation, this is an affair pure and simple. It may be just emotional at this point, but clearly your wife is having her basic human needs met by someone other than her spouse so that's being unfaithful. The pregnancy is hormones but irrelevant at this point. I would make these suggestions, in this order: 

1) Go to your wife directly and tell her you know it's an affair and inappropriate and ask her if she's willing to end all contact with the other man forever, and NEVER, EVER contact him again ever. If she is, then she will miss him and be depressed for a little while but you will have a fighting chance to save your marriage. 

2) If she's not willing, go to the other man directly and tell him you know about the affair and inform him you will not bow out gracefully but that you made a vow to your wife and intend to honor it. Ask him if he is willing to end all contact with her and NEVER, EVER contact her again. If he is, then you've broken up the affair and she's likely to be pissed and feel dumped, but you will have a very good chance to save your marriage by being there for her and helping her get through it...and realize that even though she made a mistake and had an affair you are the kind of man who honors your word. 

3) If neither one will end it voluntarily, then go to exposure. Read the thread in "Coping with Infidelity" called "steps to stop an affair". But in summary select a few people in your life and your wife's life who you think will be pro-marriage and who she's likely to consider an authority--like her parents, the pastor, or a boss. These people are folks whom you think will tell her "What are you doing?" and/or people who will support you and pray for you as you try to get through this painful time. The idea of exposing the affair is not to tattletale nor is it to "embarrass you spouse" or guilt/shame them into being faithful. Part of the glue that holds an affair together is that it is exciting due to the secretiveness of it. The "forbidden fruit" thing...know what I mean? So the idea of exposing, at least as I promote it, is to bring the secret to the light of day and get some support for the marriage. 

Again I say that the point of exposure is NOT guilt and shame! It is to bring "the dirty little secret" to the light of day so that a lot of the fantasy of it is tarnished. It is to get some people in the disloyal spouse's life saying "stop the affair--it's not right" because chances are about 100% that they are hanging out with people who are saying "the affair is okay." Finally, it is to inform people there may be an issue that will affect them and impact their life and/or to gather a bit of a support network for you as struggling with an affair can be very emotionally taxing.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

James,
Each person you call gets a simple message. 

We all know that there are sometimes distractions in a marriage. Sadly my wife has found a temporary playmate who she thinks she should replace me with. We all know that divorce is BAD - absent a valid reason like cheating, abuse, gambling, drugs. I have done none of those things. 

When I tell her she must end the affair for our marriage to even have a shot, she ignores me. I know she respects YOU and am hoping you can talk some sense into her. 

And by the way, all along I would ask her every once in a while if things were ok between us and she always said yes. And I think they WERE good until the excitement of this affair. Obviously things were good when we BOTH decided to have this child less then 9 months ago. 

AND I do think you should speak to the other man and let him know that your wife is talking divorce now because of her relationship with him. 

Let us know how it goes. 






James1977 said:


> Nice point! She's going to be pretty angry and I worry that it will sour things to the point where she won't involve me in the pregnancy. That I don't want to lose.
> 
> How would they help?


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## James1977 (Jan 31, 2010)

I have a note written similar to the above, I will send it on Friday after a scan we have booked. As much as I fear her reaction I understand I have to take control of the fight.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Gotta blow it up if you want to fix it.

As for fear? Stop thinking about what might happen. Of course she is going to rant and rave, because she knows that _will_ frighten you, and shake your resolve. She's cheating on you. This isn't a person you should fear. In the end there are only 2 outcomes: you work through it for something better, or you don't.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

James,
You need to be willing to fight for your marriage. And you need to find out if the other man is married and if he is TELL HIS WIFE. She is the single most important person you can tell. Because she may be able to force him to end it. 




James1977 said:


> I have a note written similar to the above, I will send it on Friday after a scan we have booked. As much as I fear her reaction I understand I have to take control of the fight.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Be prepared for:
You're a monster!
You're insane!
Everyone thinks you're crazy now!
I was GOING to come back to you, but NOW you've blown it!
I HATE you!
I'll NEVER be with you now, now that you've done this!
You've made everyone hate me! (funny how it's what YOU did, and not what SHE did)
I was all set to break it off, but now I'm not going to, and it's all your fault!
I'm calling a lawyer TODAY! (they rarely do)
I'm moving out!
You drove me to him and this is why!

yada yada yada

Just listen, make eye contact, and say 'want a cookie?' 

That will REALLY drive her crazy, but it's effective: one, nothing she says right now has any meaning - it's just a junkie scrambling to figure out how to keep getting her fix; two, there is NO point talking about your relationship until she agrees to end it with OM; and three, it throws her off balance, because she's expecting you to come back with your reasoning so that she can blow it out of the water and blame everything on you. By you not participating, she is left floundering.

Stay calm, offer a cookie, and keep repeating "I'm saving my marriage" if you have to say anything at all.


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