# My husband asked for a divorce the day my grandma died but changed his mind. Now I don’t know how I feel.



## anonymous2012 (Nov 11, 2021)

My husband told me he wanted a divorce the day my grandmother died.

I didn’t have the best relationship with my parents. Abusive mom. Dad committed suicide. My Grandmother raised me. She also raised my cousin, who is 16 years younger than me. When she died, I was 23, married to my highschool sweetheart (we had been together since before my dad died), and I was our main income provider. My cousin was 6 at the time and still lived with her since he had never met his birth parents (my uncle and his wife) as they were in prison. 

The day she died, I got the call while I was at work. I hit the floor. I was destroyed. My husband picked me up from work and took me to her house. I was inconsolable and laid next to her body as long as the undertaker allowed me (she died of cancer). When they finally took her from me, my husband pulled me to the side and told me he wanted a divorce with tears in his eyes. I was gobsmacked. He said he knew I would go after custody of my cousin and he didn’t want to raise a child that wasn’t his. He went home and I stayed at my Grandmother’s house that night to be with my cousin, I was completely shattered and falling apart. My cousin was 6, and didn’t have anyone else! 

The next day my husband went to work as I went to the funeral home to make arrangements. I begged him to use a sick day and just come be with me. Suddenly he was cold and bitter toward me as he said NO - he wasn’t discussing it, we could still be friends and have sex on the weekend but that was that. I told him absolutely not, he was either all in or all out but none of this halfway crap would fly. I don’t even remember how, when, or why he changed his mind but we somehow never officially split. I feel like I never got to truly grieve for my Grandmother because I had to deal with his messiness.

He allows his family to put me down when we’re around them and my SON who I absolutely did get custody of and I’m adopting him! His family picked me apart at the Thanksgiving table one year because I asked his sister why she was treating me like a criminal all night. I was humiliated earlier that evening as we were going around the table telling what we were thankful for and his sister used her turn to tell the whole table how she basically couldn’t stand me. All hell broke loose and he just allowed it to happen, didn’t say a word to defend me. Sat quietly and watched me fall apart on the inside all over again. Insinuations were made that he had told them how I control his money and only want him for his money (WHAT!! I made triple his salary and still do!!). I even got picked apart for having weight loss surgery. And as icing on the cake, they attacked me for “forcing” my husband into caring for a child that he didn’t want (did they even hear how they sounded? The kid had no one else but me!). I almost left him the next day but he begged me to stay like his life depended on it and he went to his sisters house and chewed her out. But at that point, the damage was done. If he was going to defend me, it should’ve been the night they collectively attacked me instead of him doing absolutely nothing.

My husband seems to have come around and accepts my SON now, and we have a pretty good life because I do nothing but work my tail off to provide since I am still the main breadwinner. Maybe I’m bitter about that too? I don’t know anymore. Probably, since remarks where made that I only want him for his money (when he makes pennies and peanuts to pay his little $400 per month truck note and I bust my butt with almost no off days to support the entire rest of the household). It was never an issue for me before the remarks his family made at Thanksgiving.

It’s 4 years later since my Grandmother died and my husband is trying to be lovey-dovey again but I don’t even want him to touch me. I don’t want him to look at me. I no longer feel like I miss him when he’s away. I couldn’t care less if he comes home late anymore or spends a weekend with his highschool buddies instead of with us. He does sweet stuff for me all the time now, brings me flowers, random foot rubs, runs me bubble baths, puts air in my tires, tries to take me on dates (which sometimes I decline because I’m exhausted from working sun-up to sun-down). He wants sex from me ALL THE TIME (especially since my weight loss reached 150lbs down) and keeps saying stuff like “I miss when you used to do stuff for me, non-sexual and sexual.” It makes me want to scream into the void. He had the best of me, and he wanted to throw me away. And now all of a sudden he misses how I used to be? Before all the trauma? Yeah, I miss me too!!

He at some point decided to stay because we never truly split. But why? Because he realized he loved me or because I give him a comfortable life where he don’t have to worry about money? Why did I allow it? Because I still love him? Is this what love feels like? I don’t know up from down anymore.

I’ve tried to talk to him about this and sometimes we fight over it and I get accused of not being able to let things go, sometimes he listens and apologizes but I still can’t let it go. I have days where I’m okay but I see one picture of my Grandmother and I’m reminded how I couldn’t trust him to be there for me when I needed him most.

I am disgusted when he grabs my hand. I gag internally when he playfully pops my behind as I cook dinner after a long day of work that I’m usually still not finished with because I WFH. He tries to kiss my neck and I wince. He puts his arm around me in bed to cuddle and I make up whatever excuse I can to get away from him (dogs are pinning me, back hurts, etc.). We can be having a good conversation and I’ll suddenly remember Thanksgiving that one year and I no longer want to be around him no matter how good a time we were having directly before my brain went there. When we are intimate, I sometimes want to sit in the shower and cry afterwards and sometimes I actually do. Sometimes I have to put on a performance to get through it because I am just disgusted. Physically he’s very attractive and I see him trying (like I wished he would have when I really needed him) all I can think about is how I still feel so incredibly lonely and unloved.

So….. is it me? Am I unnecessarily holding a grudge? Overreacting? How do I let it go? Anyone else ever been through something like this and still with the person who hurt you? Did you ever truly forgive them? Is it possible? I am still so hurt over all of it and it’s never truly gone away for me even though he’s very loving now. I’m so confused and honestly just looking for anyone that has or is going through something similar, in hopes of not feeling so alone.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

To put it bluntly.......what a heartless prick!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

anonymous2012 said:


> So….. is it me?


You know, I kept saying in my head "what the hell is wrong with this woman that she is so willing to accept being disrespected day after day after day after day after day after day....???" as I read your story. I just stopped reading about halfway through because it was just an exercise in futility at that point.

Honestly - there was a time you were a *victim *of this worthless loser. But now, you're just a full-fledged volunteer.

Why are you so willing to accept so very little? I honestly don't get it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean he was leaving you until you didn't agree to still having sex with him, so I'm going with he's staying for sex, especially because of the flowers and all that. If you aren't going to have sex, then I will just about guarantee you he will get out. He didn't want the kid, so he's not going to stay there to help support the kid with no sex -- I mean, he wasn't going to anyway. So if you're done with him because of his attitude about all that, then you may as well make a clean break. If you still want him and think you can get over not wanting to have sex with him (which I don't blame you for but also don't blame him for not wanting an instant kid), then you need to come to terms with that yourself. 

Sorry for your turbulent life. I hope it smooths out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What a sorry SOB! It's heartbreaking that he did that to you. Screw him and the entitled horse he rode in on.


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## anonymous2012 (Nov 11, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly - there was a time you were a *victim *of this worthless loser. But now, you're just a full-fledged volunteer.
> Honestly - there was a time you were a *victim *of this worthless loser. But now, you're just a full-fledged volunteer.
> 
> Why are you so willing to accept so very little? I honestly don't get it.


You’re right
And I wish I knew the answer to your question


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

After reading your post completely, it was totally horrible of him to ask for a divorce the day your sweet Grandma passed away (so very sorry for your loss BTW..), and at first I was thinking that maybe he was just scared at the time re taking over raising the family your Grandma did. He could AT LEAST have accompanied you to the funeral home and be by your side..comforting you. Not even doing that during your huge time of need, his comments, etc., is totally horrible!! Not sure exactly how old the two of you were at the time..maybe he just wasn't mature enough to handle funerals, etc. Mature enough to be married, but not mature enough to help his wife through an extremely difficult time?? Raises HUGE red flags right there!!

After that, allowing his family to pick you apart at Thanksgiving dinner WITHOUT standing up for you is absolutely OUTRAGEOUS!! Him jumping in with his family to add more fuel to the fire..and in front of your SON?? I would have been all over leaving him also. Him begging you to stay and going to his sister's house to chew her rear out for the way she treated you..too little too late had it been me!! Did he REALLY chew his sister out after the fact? Sorry, but I have my doubts.The damage was already done at that point.

While you have a tough time letting this all go and he HAS apologized for it all..there are just some things that are forgiven..yet not forgotten. Sounds to me like that's where you're at right now. Hard as he tries..you're done. I don't believe you're holding an unnecessary grudge, nor overreacting. Some things are just the last straw..and reasons why he turns you off so completely with everything he does. You've unfortunately fallen out of love with him at this point. Maybe counseling would help? That's something you need to decide at this point as once the trust with ANYTHING in a relationship is broken..it's really hard to get it back. 

Hope things smooth out for you soon. In the meantime, sending hugs and letting you know that you're definitely NOT alone!! <3


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

No one can accuse either one of you for not trying. But you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube after it's been stomped on. The damage has been done. 

I can see your side of this and don't know how you can remain with someone that has treated you like this. Love and honor and respect and attraction can be destroyed and I'd say he destroyed all of those things with the things he has done and said and he family sound like absolutely horrible people that I don't know why you'd want to even be in the same area code with them. 

But I will also add that as a husband, if I were to come across where my wife had written about me what you wrote about how you feel about him, I would call it a wrap and time to move on. As a man, I would not and most likely could not be with a woman that felt about me that way. I would be sad and bummed and I would be disgusted with myself that I had messed up so bad - but in the end, I couldn't be with her. 

I don't know how you can remain with him after what he has said and done. 

And I don't know how he can remain with you due to how you feel about and react to him.


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