# What do you think of people who've been married 5 times?



## kittykatz

I won't mention any names here, but I know people that have been married 5-6 times. I'm just wondering what everyone's opinions are. I know none of us can speak for every single person thats been married multiple times, but in general, why do you think people do this?

Personally, I would not get married more than twice. Sometimes first marriages fail and its not necessarily anyone's fault. You could have been too young, maybe you were inexperienced, maybe you just didnt know the person as well as you thought. Sometimes you have to fail at something first, in order to learn from it and be successful at it.

However, if you are on your 4th, 5th, or 6th marriage.... I cant help but to ask myself, why?? Why would you not have just given up already? If it didnt work for you the first 5 times, its probably not going to work for you this time. Youre obviously just not the type of person that needs to be married... theres nothing wrong with that. Not trying to offend anyone that has been married that many times, but thats just my opinion.

What do you all think?


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## SepticChange

Some people are in love with the idea of being in love. Others just like the companionship. Some just refuse to give up on finding The One. I would also give up after the second marriage.


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## Mavash.

I can only think of one person that I personally know that's been married 4 times. She was messed up and lacked any kind of introspection. She probably would have kept on getting married had she not gotten too old.

For me once is enough. If I got divorced now I doubt I'd remarry.


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## KathyBatesel

I'm on marriage #3. I have also had a couple of LTR that were live-in. I don't expect to divorce again. It took me this long to become a good partner. 

OTOH, if I did divorce again, I think I'd give it up. At some point I'd have to just accept that I am not made for marriage. When I see others on their 3rd marriage even, I question if they just substituted a new spouse for the same ol' problems or if they've really learned something that will make it different, but I can't judge them. After all, some of us are pretty hard-headed!


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## that_girl

5th marriage tells me that that person is the main factor in the problems.

I had an acquaintance that was on her 4th marriage. None of her husbands were "good enough". She complained all the time. Finally I just said, "Maybe it's you." That shut her up.


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## kittykatz

that_girl said:


> 5th marriage tells me that that person is the main factor in the problems.
> 
> I had an acquaintance that was on her 4th marriage. None of her husbands were "good enough". She complained all the time. Finally I just said, "Maybe it's you." That shut her up.


I agree. My husband told me something once... I think he said he heard it from Dr Phil. He said "if you get divorced once, it may not have been your fault. If you get divorced two, three, four times, thats when you may want to start pointing the finger at yourself".

I'm not sure why the particular person Im talking about gets married so much... I think it could just be that she refuses to be alone. She seems like the type to blame all the problems on the other person and not take any responsibility for herself. She was with her 4th husband for like 15 years or so (that was her longest marriage) and told him that he wasnt being "romantic" anymore.... according to her, he never fixed the problem so she dumped him and got married to some guy that just got out prison, then they ended up divorcing after a year or so, I think. Her way of looking at it was "Well I told him what the problem was and he didnt fix it... so it was his fault!"

Shes also the type that doesnt seem to act her age. Shes in her 50s but she dresses and acts like she is half her age... She seems to be.... on the wild side... to put it mildly. So immaturity could play a big part in it.

Im not even sure if she has had actual weddings with all of her husbands.... If I was her, after the second or third one Id just start going to the courthouse. No sense in spending thousands of dollars on a wedding ceremony/wedding dress/rings every few years.


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## sunvalley

kittykatz said:


> My husband told me something once... I think he said he heard it from Dr Phil. He said "if you get divorced once, it may not have been your fault. If you get divorced two, three, four times, thats when you may want to start pointing the finger at yourself".


Speaking from a woman's point of view: I agree with Dr. Phil. It's true some people may like the companionship, or refuse to give up on finding a life partner. However, if something keeps happening to you, it's something you're either doing or not doing. Or it's something in your personality or habits — which only you can fix.

Myself, I would not try after a second marriage. I also would not accept a proposal from someone who's been married more than twice — unless he could show me he's in counseling for whatever problems caused the marriage breakdowns.


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## Leveret

AnonPink, I don't think that's what this topic is about. Derailing the thread is rather inappropriate.

That being said, I would think anyone who marries that many times is unsatisfied with themselves and sees her own problems in others. Marriage should be a commitment taken only when one is completely serious about a lifetime with another. Sometimes it doesn't work and you may remarry later. But 3 or more times? Come on.


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## *LittleDeer*

Either they have learned nothing and are VERY bad at picking partners Or they are not mature enough and healthy enough to be married themselves. 

I think even twice is excusable. Three times would be the cut off for me to be interested in someone.


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## Lyris

Leveret said:


> AnonPink, I don't think that's what this topic is about. Derailing the thread is rather inappropriate.
> 
> That being said, I would think anyone who marries that many times is unsatisfied with themselves and sees her own problems in others. Marriage should be a commitment taken only when one is completely serious about a lifetime with another. Sometimes it doesn't work and you may remarry later. But 3 or more times? Come on.


I think it's more inappropriate for a poster with 2 posts to lecture one with 1000 on board etiquette. 

If my marriage failed, I wouldn't marry again, so once is it for me. But I have an uncle who has had a very happy and sustained 3rd marriage, so I don't judge too much.


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## EleGirl

It's easy to judge that anyone with more than one marriage, or two marriages, etc, is whatever label ya want to tack onto them. But not being in that person's shoes it's really hard to judge. 

It's also very easy to say what we'd do if _____ (fill in the blank) if we had some # of previous marriages. But until you face that in life you have no idea at all what you would do.

Since someone having more than 2,3,4(or you name the number) of marriages does not affect my life at all.. I'll pass on judging.


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## anony2

My aunt has been married 5 times, she is on her 5th husband that she has been married 30+ years to. They are happily married. She wasn't the problem in the past marriages either, she just did not have experience picking a partner that would be good to her.


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## Runs like Dog

Henry the VIII


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## Anon Pink

Leveret said:


> AnonPink, I don't think that's what this topic is about. Derailing the thread is rather inappropriate.
> .


Sorry about that. Only read the first few sentences of the OP. deleted my post.


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## kittykatz

EleGirl said:


> It's easy to judge that anyone with more than one marriage, or two marriages, etc, is whatever label ya want to tack onto them. But not being in that person's shoes it's really hard to judge.
> 
> It's also very easy to say what we'd do if _____ (fill in the blank) if we had some # of previous marriages. But until you face that in life you have no idea at all what you would do.
> 
> Since someone having more than 2,3,4(or you name the number) of marriages does not affect my life at all.. I'll pass on judging.


I think you missed the part of my post where I said that I know we can't speak for everyone but I was interested in everyones thoughts "in general" on someone that's been married mulitple times. That's why I put that there so that people wouldn't think I was just being judgemental of others, but apparenlty people here are going to think im just being judgemental no matter what. It would be no different than me asking a question like "why do men cheat?". Thats not to say that I think every man who cheats has the same reasons. Its a general question and im looking for general answers. Im not saying that every person who has been married 5 times has the exact same reasons as the next person who has been married 5 times. I was just curious on the subject and wanted opinions. My apologies if it came off the wrong way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz

anony2 said:


> My aunt has been married 5 times, she is on her 5th husband that she has been married 30+ years to. They are happily married. She wasn't the problem in the past marriages either, she just did not have experience picking a partner that would be good to her.


That's interesting. To be married 30 or more years is quite a sucess... the chances of them divorcing is probably unlikely at this point but still possible. I've known people who got divorced after being married 25-30 yrs. Not saying that's going to happen to your aunt, just saying the number of years someone has been together doesn't always guarantee a lifelong marriage. I hope they do stay together though, it sounds like they have a pretty strong relationship. I don't believe I've known anyone that's been married that many times and ended up having a successful 30 year marriage in the end... but that's why I asked this question. Im definitely willing to learn and change my views on the matter. Im being open minded here, so if anyone disagrees with me feel free to speak up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

I can see myself doing 5 live in relationships...like a marriage....maybe? Not while the kids are in the house though.

But a legal marriage? NEVER again. Never. Live with, yes. Marry legally? Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll no.


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## kittykatz

Anon Pink said:


> Sorry about that. Only read the first few sentences of the OP. deleted my post.


I don't know what you wrote but whatever it was, I appreciate you removing it. Next time, please read my whole post before commenting. A lot of people seem to not do that and they end up getting the wrong idea, which leads to a lot of unnecessary misunderstandings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

I've known one person who was married 4 times. I had trouble taking him seriously or his current wife seriously. When they got divorced my relation was meh along with wonder how long #5 was going to take.

My view is the same as when you meet someone who's run though job after job after job. Your expectations of them when they get a new job is set appropriately low.


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## kittykatz

that_girl said:


> I can see myself doing 5 live in relationships...like a marriage....maybe? Not while the kids are in the house though.
> 
> But a legal marriage? NEVER again. Never. Live with, yes. Marry legally? Hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll no.


 well see that's kind of how I look at it... if you just don't like being alone, you don't have to be. You can have as many boyfriends as you want... let them live with you even. I know some people don't live with each other before marriage due to religious beliefs, and in fact I wouldn't be surprised if the person im talking about shares similar views on the subject because she is religious herself. However, sometimes in life you just have to think practical... if you're the type of person who is going to go through a different partner every couple of years, its simply not practical to keep getting legally married and divorced... and if Im not mistaken, I believe the bible says getting divorced is a sin as well as sex before marriage, so saying you'd rather get divorced 30 times in your life instead of just having live-in relationships because sex before marriage is a sin, well that's not really a valid point. Personally I wouldn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting divorced.. I wouldn't want to go through it once, let alone 5 times. To me, just having live in boyfriends would be much easier and would make more sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

I have just learned that the government has NO PLACE in my love for someone.

I didn't benefit from it (I have my own career, finances, medical insurance, etc)...our taxes were ridiculous! We always owed when married.

We were FINE before marriage. Lived together for 18 months and had powers of attorney drawn up. Not saying it would not have taken the same route, but it wouldn't cost us almost 800 bucks to just break the ties.

It truly is just a piece of paper.

I could have had a ceremony with vows...and not done anything legally. Would have meant the same thing to me.

It's just a way to make money for the government. I know I'm bitter...but the more I thnk about it, the more I do see the side of the camp that says marriage is an outdated institution.


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## kittykatz

Shaggy said:


> I've known one person who was married 4 times. I had trouble taking him seriously or his current wife seriously. When they got divorced my relation was meh along with wonder how long #5 was going to take.
> 
> My view is the same as when you meet someone who's run though job after job after job. Your expectations of them when they get a new job is set appropriately low.


This brings up another question in my mind... why would somebody marry someone who had been married 4 or 5 times? Now, again, I don't want anyone to think im judging here... im aware that sometimes a person can marry another person who has been married that many times and have a successful marriage, not every case is the same.. but in my own personal experience, I've never seen it happen. My grandmother was married twice before she found the one that she stayed married to. She and her last husband were married until the day he died. Getting married to someone that's been married twice is a little different than getting married to a person that's been married 3 or more times though. Id be a little hesitant even if it had been twice, but anymore times than that would really raise some red flags. But yea... personally if I met someone that had been through wife after wife, it would be a serious concern of mine that I would just be like the others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz

that_girl said:


> I have just learned that the government has NO PLACE in my love for someone.
> 
> I didn't benefit from it (I have my own career, finances, medical insurance, etc)...our taxes were ridiculous! We always owed when married.
> 
> We were FINE before marriage. Lived together for 18 months and had powers of attorney drawn up. Not saying it would not have taken the same route, but it wouldn't cost us almost 800 bucks to just break the ties.
> 
> It truly is just a piece of paper.
> 
> I could have had a ceremony with vows...and not done anything legally. Would have meant the same thing to me.
> 
> It's just a way to make money for the government. I know I'm bitter...but the more I thnk about it, the more I do see the side of the camp that says marriage is an outdated institution.


 well as someone who is currently married, I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because I've never experienced divorce. I can see where you're coming from though. If getting legally married wasn't something that we have been taught to do, I probably would have been satisfied with having a ceremony and no legal attatchments... but when everyone around me is legally married, and since its something that society has kind of taught us to do, I would feel like an outcast if I wasn't legally married. A lot of the reason that people get married is just the idea of it... they want to be able to get their name changed so that they share the same last name as their husband... they like the idea of being able to call each other "husband" and "wife", which that's something they could still actually do without it being legal... but I've heard a lot of stories of people saying they were better off before marriage than after. Typically it just complicates things. Some people also say that the reason their marriage failed was because they lived together before marriage... which I don't agree with. Its one thing to just shack up with someone... but I see nothing wrong with living with someone to get somewhat of an idea of how marriage will be. I know plenty of times when someone thought they were ready to get married but lived with the person for a while and realized that they couldn't stand them. I see nothing wrong with it... if you can save yourself from a divorce, go for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

For me, it just didn't secure anything.

We already had a kid. Already had a home. Already, already.

Social crap was in my ear....yes.

Now, society can go eff itself.


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## EleGirl

kittykatz said:


> I think you missed the part of my post where I said that I know we can't speak for everyone but I was interested in everyones thoughts "in general" on someone that's been married mulitple times. That's why I put that there so that people wouldn't think I was just being judgemental of others, but apparenlty people here are going to think im just being judgemental no matter what. It would be no different than me asking a question like "why do men cheat?". Thats not to say that I think every man who cheats has the same reasons. Its a general question and im looking for general answers. Im not saying that every person who has been married 5 times has the exact same reasons as the next person who has been married 5 times. I was just curious on the subject and wanted opinions. My apologies if it came off the wrong way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I gave my opinion... my opinion is that I cannot make a blanket comment/judgement on the topic because of the reasons I gave.


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## that_girl

My stepdad was married 4 times. 

Awesome guy. Sh1tty women. I will say that.

His last wife is ok. Pretty nice. Good for him. 

I don't know if I would date someone with 4 exwives. I dated a man with one exwife and that was a nightmare. lol.


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## EleGirl

I don’t see a difference really between a person who has had 5 or more marriages and a person who has had 5 or more live-in relationships. They are both forms of commitment. In both cases the commitment did not last for one reason or the other. If having more than 2 (or 3, or 4, or etc) marriages says something negative about a person, so does having multiple committed live-in relationships.

There is a very large difference legally between being married and just living together. 

People get married to have those things that are conveyed by marriage. I compare it to the types of business structures that exit: sole proprietor, partnership, LLC, C-Corporation, S-Corporation, etc.


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## kittykatz

that_girl said:


> My stepdad was married 4 times.
> 
> Awesome guy. Sh1tty women. I will say that.
> 
> His last wife is ok. Pretty nice. Good for him.
> 
> I don't know if I would date someone with 4 exwives. I dated a man with one exwife and that was a nightmare. lol.


 Lol I can relate. Its not ideal at all... especially if they've got mortgages and things like that together. Then its like even though they're divorced, they still have to keep in contact with them somewhat. It wouldn't be as bad if there were no physical assets that they shared, or no kids involved... then they could just never talk to each other again as if they were never married.. but how can you tell someone to stop emailing/calling their ex wife, when they still own a house together? Having an ex still in the picture can really screw things up... like you said, one ex spouse is bad enough, let alone 3 or more of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup

Well,if my marriage ever ends,I won't remarry again.I think 
if you have 4 or 5 failed marriages it tells me you are repeating
the same bad cycle of failure over and over.

I have seen people who keep picking the looser type partners over and over again.Funny how people are programmed into
a bad pattern of behavior and never know it.

I also think some people love that perfect feeling early on in a marriage,but it only last for so long.


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## that_girl

Well, I think I'll just date later. 

Commitment? What does that mean exactly? words are words...I don't trust words anymore.


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## kittykatz

EleGirl said:


> I don’t see a difference really between a person who has had 5 or more marriages and a person who has had 5 or more live-in relationships. They are both forms of commitment. In both cases the commitment did not last for one reason or the other. If having more than 2 (or 3, or 4, or etc) marriages says something negative about a person, so does having multiple committed live-in relationships.
> 
> There is a very large difference legally between being married and just living together.
> 
> People get married to have those things that are conveyed by marriage. I compare it to the types of business structures that exit: sole proprietor, partnership, LLC, C-Corporation, S-Corporation, etc.


 don't get me wrong. I personally would be reluctant to marry someone that had 5 live in relationships just as much as I would be if I were to marry someone with 5 failed marriages. I was just saying that if I was the type of person who jumped from one relationship to the next, id rather just have live in boyfriends simply because its easier, less messy and less expensive than getting a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

My mother considers my older daughter's father and my breakup a divorce.

I do not.

It cost me nothing to pack my bags and give him a big "eff you". 

I was able to leave without paperwork.

I was able to move on without any loose ends.

I paid up my bills, packed up my shet, and moved out.

Way easier than now.

Still painful...but no hassle with the courts.

I didn't date for 2 years after that. I didn't move in with anyone until my husband, 7 years later.

I can't see doing it again.


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## kittykatz

nevergveup said:


> Well,if my marriage ever ends,I won't remarry again.I think
> if you have 4 or 5 failed marriages it tells me you are repeating
> the same bad cycle of failure over and over.
> 
> I have seen people who keep picking the looser type partners over and over again.Funny how people are programmed into
> a bad pattern of behavior and never know it.
> 
> I also think some people love that perfect feeling early on in a marriage,but it only last for so long.


 you bring up a good point. Part of the reason for so many failures could be the type of person that they're attracted to. For example, I can't speak for this persons first couple of husbands because I never met them but the last few have been the same type... guys who are in prison/ just got out of prison, earrings, tattoos, etc.. your typical "bad boy" and her current husband is 20 years younger than her. Its possible that her last few failed marriages were the result of a midlife crisis. Maybe she started becoming attracted to the younger bad boy type, because it makes her feel younger herself.. and she keeps coming back to the same type despite the fact they're bad for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

SepticChange said:


> Some people are in love with the idea of being in love. Others just like the companionship. Some just refuse to give up on finding The One. I would also give up after the second marriage.


I love the idea of being in love -BUT I would never jump into marriage....NEVER NEVER NEVER. I feel only the test of time in dating is wise...lots & lots of time (years preferably)... some good brawls, many experiences shared & communication on overdrive.

My husband's thoughts on this .... I recall him saying once..."Married once...Great .... Married Twice....Hmmmm... . married 3 times...it has to be YOU" ..... not that this is always the case (nothing in life is Black & White!).... but it does make one wonder...initially. 

We've known a woman who lost 2 husbands to cancer, so unfortunate... 

Besides some of the thoughts on this thread so far....Some people may just be too trusting...wanting to believe the best in people... I don't know..Not that we should be pessimists running around...

I have 1 particular poster in mind here ...he's had 2 failed marriages, I love his posts, the way he talks about love, family, values..... He sounds just like my husband... so in his case, I tend to think the women were Users & just needed too much Excitement or something.... and he was "too trusting" - missed the red flags...... if he marries again, I hope he'll only attach himself to women who truly appreciates a Southern Gentleman for what he has to offer.


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## oregonmom

A couple of my good friends got married last summer - their parents combined have 14 failed marriages  at least they know what NOT to do in marriage.


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## Wiserforit

Dr. Phil's point may be this:

I grew up in a household with a manipulative mother. When I met girls who were actually abusive in certain ways, I felt this warm familiar feeling - a glow on the inside. 

It wasn't until I had a couple of bad marriages and started studying the problem that I came to realize my mother was not the right role model for a wife. I was convinced that something was wrong with the way I was approaching women, and it turned out my warm feeling of familiarity needed to be alarm bells going off. 

Manipulative women will zero in on you like a heat-seeking missile if you display kindness, a trusting nature, and naivete. 

So for me I had to develop a list of "must haves" and deal breakers that I used to say "no".  Getting married to my lovely wife now was the first time I ever consciously set out with a very clear idea about what I wanted in a wife and what I did not want. 

I could say that my first two wives were the problem, but in the end we are responsible for who we choose as mates. It's amazing how wonderful my wife is now, but she is the result of better choices I made.


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## Cosmos

I certainly wouldn't consider them as marriage material... 

Divorce was such a shock to me (even though I instigated it), I've never remarried. My ex-H, on the other hand, is on W number 3 - I, having been the cause, apparently, for the demise of his previous 2 marriages.:scratchhead:

Some people can be plain unlucky, others learn from past mistakes and go on to have happy, stable relationships; but others keep on chasing that illusive dream - refusing to look in the mirror along the way...


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## 3Xnocharm

kittykatz said:


> This brings up another question in my mind... why would somebody marry someone who had been married 4 or 5 times? Now, again, I don't want anyone to think im judging here... im aware that sometimes a person can marry another person who has been married that many times and have a successful marriage, not every case is the same.. but in my own personal experience, I've never seen it happen. My grandmother was married twice before she found the one that she stayed married to. She and her last husband were married until the day he died. Getting married to someone that's been married twice is a little different than getting married to a person that's been married 3 or more times though. Id be a little hesitant even if it had been twice, but anymore times than that would really raise some red flags. But yea... personally if I met someone that had been through wife after wife, it would be a serious concern of mine that I would just be like the others.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I am feeling like something on display at the zoo, everyone staring through the glass talking about how sad it is that I have no mate. I have been married and divorced THREE TIMES. (everyone OOOH and AAAAH!) You all want to hear what's wrong with me??

All I ever wanted was to fall in love and get married to the person who would be my partner through thick and thin until we both grow old and die. There is something about having that ONE special person who is always there for you, ONE person who knows you better than you know yourself, the ONE person you share your home, your money, your children with. So what's wrong with me? 

Evidently my man picker is broken. I am too trusting. (well...I WAS too trusting...) I am too laid back, evidently that makes me a doormat I guess. I am different than other women, I am a tomboy, I am not materialistic (not that everyone is), I dont put importance on social status or climbing ladders. I am not "educated" in that I didnt go to college, not to say I am stupid..far from it. 

My first husband...we met at work, I was coming to the end of a LT/live in relationship that had gone south due mainly to my bf's inability to control himself with money. He was the opposite of my bf, he was very responsible with his money, was a very hard worker. We never should have gotten married...he had a tendency to drink too much, was extremely moody, often angry, he was and still is extremely self involved. Our sex life was the absolute pits, he didnt like to have fun, and was very detached. Sex was something I was "supposed' to do for him, and he treated me like sh!t when I didnt comply. We did things in the "right" order...got married, bought a house, had a baby. Financially we were ok, not overly well off, but the short time we were together was one of the only times in my adult life that I wasnt struggling money-wise. 
After our daughter was born, we had sex only a few times before I decided that I was never having sex with him again. (I can detail in another post if someone asks) He was completely detached from me, no kisses, no hugs, no intimate conversation. Everything was for and about him, I didnt count for anything. He was such an angry person. (Turns out I married my father with him, I still cant believe I let that happen.) I ended up having a PA that lasted about two months, then ended it because I didnt like treating him like a fool that way. Well I got into another one a few months later, and thats when it finally hit me that the PA's were obviously symptoms of my unhappiness in my marriage, and I filed for divorce and left. 

Husband number two. We met about six months after I left my first husband. He was 16 years older than me, but we just instantly clicked. He was different than my X1...he was pleasant, easy going, soft spoken, didnt drank, was a caretaker type of person. It turned out that wasnt the real him. We lived together almost two years before we got married, and we had been fine. There were of course things I should have caught on to, but at the time, nothing glaring. His real personality came out slowly, and over time, it was like he turned on me. To this day, I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! He was a neat freak to the point that he criticized everything I did in the house...how I did the laundry, how I washed the dishes, how I cleaned the floors, what and how I cooked. It got to the point I stopped doing anything, because I got so sick of the insults. He picked on my daughter. He picked on me...my clothes, my underwear my hair, my driving, my reading, what I liked on tv. He hated me spending any time out of the house, which mostly consisted of my daughter's competitive cheer practices and competitions. It was ridiculous. I felt uncomfortable in my own home, I always felt like I was cowering. I was a shell of myself, I felt ugly and incompetent. One day he said something really horrible to me aimed at my daughter, and that was it, he crossed the line. I left within a few months after that. 
I asked my stepson (who is a grown man) a couple years after our divorce if he knew what the hell happened with him. While he still wasnt sure of the whole thing either, he did tell me that my ex was convinced that I was cheating on him. :scratchhead: I never even came CLOSE to cheating on him! This still has me perplexed, I never gave him a single reason to believe that I had cheated on him. I was way more loving than he deserved and to this day, I dont know why he turned on me. He is the most negative person I have ever known, he hates everything and everyone. 

My third husband, I have posted our story here, he is the reason I found this forum. My mistake with him was getting swept up in the whole falling in love with my first love again, romance thing. It was so amazing to have someone fall so hard in love with me that they wanted to marry me within weeks, then actually marry within months. It was way, way too fast. This one crushed my heart. I was so sure that it was my time to finally find that happiness that had been alluding me. Instead he went back to his sh!tty first wife after less than a year of marriage to me. 
With him, I had actually spoken up about things, I had figured out from the first two that I was too passive, and it seems like it blew up in my face. 

Kittykatz, you say you are being open minded and not judging, but most of your posts to ME say the opposite. I feel like you are being very judgmental about this. I married three times because I think that I love love, and I have wanted to have that one special person. I am not afraid of being alone, I do alone very well. At least I have tried. And for those of you saying "never again", you really never know.


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## Prodigal

I don't think it really matters what I think of people who have married multiple times. Actually, I'd be really interested to locate a survey, if it exists, as to why THEY think they married three, four, five, or more, times. Repetition compulsion? Unfinished childhood business? Broken partner pickers? Lack of sound judgment? I dunno ...


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## Mr Blunt

*



What do you think of people who've been married 5 times?

Click to expand...

*I think they maybe good people and successful in other areas.

I just will never marry someone that has failed 5 times at marriage.
It is the same for someone that has filed bankruptcy 5 times; I will never do any business with them.


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## kittykatz

3Xnocharm said:


> Ok, I am feeling like something on display at the zoo, everyone staring through the glass talking about how sad it is that I have no mate. I have been married and divorced THREE TIMES. (everyone OOOH and AAAAH!) You all want to hear what's wrong with me??
> 
> All I ever wanted was to fall in love and get married to the person who would be my partner through thick and thin until we both grow old and die. There is something about having that ONE special person who is always there for you, ONE person who knows you better than you know yourself, the ONE person you share your home, your money, your children with. So what's wrong with me?
> 
> Evidently my man picker is broken. I am too trusting. (well...I WAS too trusting...) I am too laid back, evidently that makes me a doormat I guess. I am different than other women, I am a tomboy, I am not materialistic (not that everyone is), I dont put importance on social status or climbing ladders. I am not "educated" in that I didnt go to college, not to say I am stupid..far from it.
> 
> My first husband...we met at work, I was coming to the end of a LT/live in relationship that had gone south due mainly to my bf's inability to control himself with money. He was the opposite of my bf, he was very responsible with his money, was a very hard worker. We never should have gotten married...he had a tendency to drink too much, was extremely moody, often angry, he was and still is extremely self involved. Our sex life was the absolute pits, he didnt like to have fun, and was very detached. Sex was something I was "supposed' to do for him, and he treated me like sh!t when I didnt comply. We did things in the "right" order...got married, bought a house, had a baby. Financially we were ok, not overly well off, but the short time we were together was one of the only times in my adult life that I wasnt struggling money-wise.
> After our daughter was born, we had sex only a few times before I decided that I was never having sex with him again. (I can detail in another post if someone asks) He was completely detached from me, no kisses, no hugs, no intimate conversation. Everything was for and about him, I didnt count for anything. He was such an angry person. (Turns out I married my father with him, I still cant believe I let that happen.) I ended up having a PA that lasted about two months, then ended it because I didnt like treating him like a fool that way. Well I got into another one a few months later, and thats when it finally hit me that the PA's were obviously symptoms of my unhappiness in my marriage, and I filed for divorce and left.
> 
> Husband number two. We met about six months after I left my first husband. He was 16 years older than me, but we just instantly clicked. He was different than my X1...he was pleasant, easy going, soft spoken, didnt drank, was a caretaker type of person. It turned out that wasnt the real him. We lived together almost two years before we got married, and we had been fine. There were of course things I should have caught on to, but at the time, nothing glaring. His real personality came out slowly, and over time, it was like he turned on me. To this day, I DONT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! He was a neat freak to the point that he criticized everything I did in the house...how I did the laundry, how I washed the dishes, how I cleaned the floors, what and how I cooked. It got to the point I stopped doing anything, because I got so sick of the insults. He picked on my daughter. He picked on me...my clothes, my underwear my hair, my driving, my reading, what I liked on tv. He hated me spending any time out of the house, which mostly consisted of my daughter's competitive cheer practices and competitions. It was ridiculous. I felt uncomfortable in my own home, I always felt like I was cowering. I was a shell of myself, I felt ugly and incompetent. One day he said something really horrible to me aimed at my daughter, and that was it, he crossed the line. I left within a few months after that.
> I asked my stepson (who is a grown man) a couple years after our divorce if he knew what the hell happened with him. While he still wasnt sure of the whole thing either, he did tell me that my ex was convinced that I was cheating on him. :scratchhead: I never even came CLOSE to cheating on him! This still has me perplexed, I never gave him a single reason to believe that I had cheated on him. I was way more loving than he deserved and to this day, I dont know why he turned on me. He is the most negative person I have ever known, he hates everything and everyone.
> 
> My third husband, I have posted our story here, he is the reason I found this forum. My mistake with him was getting swept up in the whole falling in love with my first love again, romance thing. It was so amazing to have someone fall so hard in love with me that they wanted to marry me within weeks, then actually marry within months. It was way, way too fast. This one crushed my heart. I was so sure that it was my time to finally find that happiness that had been alluding me. Instead he went back to his sh!tty first wife after less than a year of marriage to me.
> With him, I had actually spoken up about things, I had figured out from the first two that I was too passive, and it seems like it blew up in my face.
> 
> Kittykatz, you say you are being open minded and not judging, but most of your posts to ME say the opposite. I feel like you are being very judgmental about this. I married three times because I think that I love love, and I have wanted to have that one special person. I am not afraid of being alone, I do alone very well. At least I have tried. And for those of you saying "never again", you really never know.


 Well its unfortunate that you feel Im being judgemental but I am honestly not trying to be. I was just giving my thoughts like everyone else here... I don't see any need what I should be singled out. I don't think I said anything over the line. From your story, it sounds like your failed marriages were not your fault.. it sounds like you just like the feeling of having someone there for you, and you want to keep trying until you find that. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes its not always the persons fault that they've been married so many times, sometimes its just a matter of not picking the right type of people. That's why I said everyone is different... all im asking here is for people to just throw general ideas out there as to why people get married numerous times. No one answer that anyone gives is the "right" answer and it doesnt apply to everyone. I understand that, and I've already stated that. I just think you're being a bit overly defensive. 

Besides, I don't think 3 times is that big of a deal... I mean I personally don't think id get married 3 times, nor would I get with someone that had been married that many times.. but thats just my personal preference. Having been married 3 times isnt something that's really uncommon. I know tons of people who have been married 2 or 3 times... but the person that I specifically have in mind, is on her 6th husband... and she's only in her early 50s. To see someone be on their 6th marriage is shocking to say the least... I don't know about anyone else here but where I live, to see someone on their 6th marriage is a lot less uncommon than to see someone on their 3rd. I certainly would not consider your number of marriages so shocking that you should be on display at the zoo... thats not how I view you at all, as you suggested. I don't view anyone that way, regardless of how many failed marriages they've had. Simply for the fact that you don't always know the reasons behind it... for some people, you can speculate and you can have a pretty good idea... but like I said, those reasons don't apply for everyone. Yes, the person I am referring to, I feel like its her fault that she has been married so much, and Im not the only one who feels this way... but I realize that isnt the case for everyone... and even though I strongly disagree with some of the decisions she has made, and even though I dont think its good for her kids to see so many husbands come and go, I don't even look at her like she should be on display at the zoo... She is human just like the rest of us. People make mistakes. It doesnt appear that she tries to learn from her mistakes to avoid making the same ones... and thats something I dont understand... but she is still only human, nonetheless, so I really cant judge her too harshly. Plenty of people do things in their lives that I dont agree with, but thats their life, not mine, and it does not effect me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore

If someone has been divorced four times, I wouldn't consider them marriage material for me. If it's a mix of say one divorce and the rest death, I may consider it but I would wonder why so many of the spouses died.

One divorce wouldn't be a problem and stepkids aren't an issue for me, but four divorces are a red flag for me. It's a red flag for serious emotional baggage. It would make me wonder about the person's ability to pick a partner, their contribution or lack thereof to the marriage dynamic. Two divorces could mean the person had extremely bad luck with the spouses or it could mean they have bigger issues having a serious relationship. I think after two divorces the person needs to step way back from relationships to figure themselves out.
Your mileage will obviously vary. 

I have a relative on my husband's side who has been married five times and another who was married three times. So seeing first hand how some people go from marriage to marriage without learning from the mistakes they've made has lead to me conclude I wouldn't marry a man who has more than one divorce.


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## kittykatz

Mr Blunt said:


> I think they maybe good people and successful in other areas.
> 
> I just will never marry someone that has failed 5 times at marriage.
> It is the same for someone that has filed bankruptcy 5 times; I will never do any business with them.


I agree. I had a feeling people who had been married numerous times would take my thread too personal... but its not just about marriage. As I've stated, I wouldn't get with someone who had been married more than once, and I myself don't think Id ever be married more than once... but this can be said for other aspects of my life too.

I'm not going to get in the car with someone who is known for always getting into accidents.. Im not going go to a doctor who has been sued for malpractice... Im not going to go to a lawyer who never wins any cases.... Im not going to go to a dentist who is known for doing crappy dental work.

The point is, people give themselves bad reputations and they set up huge red flags for themselves. I feel like any logical person would know to avoid someone like that... not just in marriage but in all aspects of life... but then there are the ones who are trusting and think that maybe this time will be different... and those are usually the ones who end up getting hurt.


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## EleGirl

To show support for 3Xnocharm, who was brave enough to post her story here after all the judgemental posts, I’ll post mine. Sorry it’s long but that’s what it is.


I have been married 3 and divorce 3 times.
#1 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My first marriage was at age 22. I dated him for 2 years before we married. We were in college and in love. I loved his family and was very much part of it. The first year of our marriage was wonderful. On our first anniversary he had an interracial aneurism (this means a vain burst in his brain). He had brain surgery and was in intensive care for 3 months. When he came out he was not the person I married. He suffered some level of brain damage. 

He knew that he suffered the brain damage and that he could not function the way he did before. This led to him becoming very angry and eventually violent. I tried to get him help by taking him to doctors, clinics, etc. After all even in my early 20’s I believed that marriage was a lifelong commitment, in sickness and in health. Then he got tired of doctors and his problems. He’d go out not come home for weeks at a time. I had no clue where he was or what he was doing. By the end of our 3rd year I was basically living by myself with him dropping in once in a while. He had a whole new crew of friends who were scary. As it turns out part of his brain damage was that he lost all inhibitions. I found out some of the things he was doing with these new friends and it was not good at all. So I decided to move in with his mother, father, sister and brother. Well he dropped by the day I was packing and got angry. We had an argument about me moving. 

The short story is that he was trying to kill me with a straight razor. One of his cousins dropped by at exactly that time and knocked on the door. That gave me a chance to break away. I ran to the door; let the cousin in giving him a kiss on the cheek and telling him that he had no idea how happy I was to see him. I ran about 3 miles to my sister’s house. That was the last time I saw him. I left NM to go live with my grandmother in NJ a couple of days later. From NJ I joined the Army. After basic training I filed and got a divorce from him. He committed suicide some months after that. 

I spent 4 years in the Army and continued my education. I did date. There was only one guy I was serious about but in the end that went nowhere. 

#2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After getting out of the Army I returned to NM and went back to college on the GI Bill. There I met the guy who would later become my second husband. He was working on a Master’s Degree in Electrical Engineering. After about a year of dating we moved in together. We had a good relationship. He finished his Master’s degree. I finished my Bachelors and was working on my Master’s degree. After he was working for a while we seemed to be going in different directions as he was working 40 hours a week now and I was still school and working to support myself. So we split. Then I graduated, had a good job and bought a house. He came back and said he’d made a mistake and wanted to get married. My reply was only after “marriage counseling”. So we did several months of counseling. Things seemed to go very well. About 6 years after we met, we married in August 1985. 


Things started out great. In December 1985 I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy went downhill fast as I could not keep anything down and ended up losing 25 lbs. despite the twins I was carrying. In the 6th month of the pregnancy I went into early labor and gave birth to still born twins. I almost died due to hemorrhaging and infection from the birth. I went another year after that not feeling well at all. It was like having the flu all the time. My husband thought I had become a hypochondriac and was making it up. He became angry and dismissive of me. I went through quite a few doctors until I found one who worked with illegal immigrants a lot. The first thing he did was a Tuberculosis test. Yep I had renal TB. That is most likely what led to the death of the twins. The treatment for TB is a drug therapy for 6 months. I was told it’s a form of chemotherapy. 

In 1989, after I’d been well again for some time we adopted a baby boy. We were happy and back on track, I thought. 

Then my husband quit his job announcing that he was going to medical school. Well, my attitude about life is that we should do what we want in life. I’d known that he had really wanted to go to medical school. He’d been accepted. Now he’d neglected to tell me that he’d been applying, etc. I was upset about that but wrote it off to him feeling silly because by now he was 35 and did not want even me to know if he did not get in.

From this time on I was the breadwinner in our marriage. He was gone most of the time at school or at the hospital as an intern. When he was home he was stressed and hateful. He’d yell at me constantly. He started getting physically violent. He’d do things like throw his dinner at me because he started to hate anything I cooked. Now keep in mind by this time I was running a business I’d started making very good money, working long hours. I was the primary care taker of our son. I was paying for his flipping medical degree and supporting him through it. And he was throwing food at me, yelling at me, pushing/shoving/hitting me. 

This escalated through medical school. Then I found a letter from some woman in his trash at home. He’d been having an affair all through medical school. I called her up and talked to her. She confirmed it. I hired an attorney who instructed me that due to the violence that I move out with our son. And then have him served. So that’s what I did. I moved to an apartment with furniture, etc. that I’d brought into the marriage. But my husband had his attorney call an emergency meeting with the judge. The judge was a female known to side with the husband in most cases. She ordered me to return our son to the family home. And she ordered the divorce papers I filed to be sealed because they brought up the domestic abuse. She said that “we cannot have that kind of thing in public records about a doctor.” Basically the precedence had just been set for me to lose custody of my son. So I stopped the divorce and moved back into the family home with my husband. There was no way I was going to let a 3.5 year old child fend for himself with an abusive father. 

After that I was with him for 3 more years as he went through residency. He was gone most of the time as he had girlfriends. He was still being abusive verbally and physically. Though I had learned a lot about how to keep things from escalating and he knew that I’d call the police now as I’d done it before. So he was much more careful. I was going to IC, taking care of our son and working. Then finally in 1994 I was able to leave him and have him allow me to take our son with me. If filed for a divorce that was final on Christmas Eve 1996. Very appropriate.

#3 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In December 1998 I met my 3rd husband. He was divorce with 100% custody of his two children, D10 and S12. His ex-wife is bi-polar. She went through huge manic phase where she cheated like crazy and then walked out on him and the children. He was a hard working dad who was raising his children on his own. He’d been in the military for 10 years and then had a very good career in web development and technologies. So he was a hard working guy, very sweet and loving. 

We married in 2000. By this time I was 50 years old. He was 44. My son was 10. His children were D10 and S12. We moved in together and we were happy I thought. He traveled a lot for work. So I worked full time and took care of our blended children while he was out of town. We talked on the phone every night when he traveled. When he was home we concentrated on family life and our relationship. I thought we were very happy. He said he was happy.

Then about 2 years into the marriage I found out that when he was single he’d met a lot of women online. When he traveled he would meet these women, have dates and even sex with them. He did this the entire time we dated and during our marriage up to that time. He had not even told them that he had remarried. He job made it easy for him to lead a double life. 

It was after this that I found Marriage Builders and we worked through the program. And somehow we seemed to repair our relationship. We both were happier than we were before. Then in last 2002 his company had a worldwide layoff. His department laid-off half the staff. He got a good severance package. From that time on it was downhill for him emotionally. He said he looked for a job. There were periods of time when I’d work with him to send out resumes, find opportunities, etc. He’d have interviews but never get the offer. We did try to get a business going but it was not all that successful as it depended on him putting the major effort into it. And he was putting more time into playing computer games then working on the business. Through all of this he refused to help with the house, the yard, handling our finances, and even with his children. I was doing literally everything.

In 2008 things started to look positive. He’s lined up 3 major contracts all to start in January of 2009. He seemed to finally be doing much better. Then the economy crashed. And all 3 companies cancelled the contracts. We had put so much time and money into proposing, bidding and getting those contracts that it was a major blow. With that he completely gave up.

He retreated to his home office every day to play computer games. He started to also go to virtual worlds where he’d form relationships, have cybersex etc. Finally I dragged his behind to a psychiatrist who diagnosed him with major clinical depression, ADD, agoraphobia and OCD. He’s had ADD all his life. The other problems he has developed since his job loss in 2002 and him leading a virtual life online. I tried to help him. But it got to be too much. He still would not help with much of anything. The only thing he was doing consistently was to feed/water the dogs.

So I divorced him in March 2012.

Now he has gone back to college and is renewing a degree with plans to get a Master’s as well. He’s doing well. But when he’s not at school or studying he still spends most of his time playing computer games and in virtual worlds, sexting.

I tried to get my second husband into marriage counseling. He refused. So instead I went to individual counseling. In some ways I know that my guy picker is broken. I have tended to see the potential in people. I used to overlook a lot that later I could look back and see they were red flags. 

I think that part of my problem has been that I was raised in a very sheltered environment. We did not have TV until I was in 11th grade so I knew nothing of ‘popular culture’. I did not know that domestic abuse even existed. Also, in those days people did not talk about things like emotional/verbal abuse, domestic violence, child abuse, rape, and all the other horrible things that go on in families.

I know I have faults. But I’m not super human. I cannot stop brain bleeds, brain damage, cannot stop a man from being verbally/physically abusive, or stop a man from being a serial cheater. Nor can I stop a man from have a serious nervous breakdown.

So there’s the short of it. (Or perhaps the long of it.) You can all pick me apart now and decide what my flaws are that led me to have 3 failed marriages. Like I said I know I have them. According to most of the posts on this thread I should just give up on ever having anyone in my life. The judgment on this thread is that I should just live the rest of my life lonely and no intimacy and no one close to me. 

Also keep in mind that the things said on this thread will most likely keep anyone who has more than one failed marriage from seeking help here. Why would anyone want to go through this gauntlet?


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## Anon Pink

kittykatz said:


> I agree. I had a feeling people who had been married numerous times would take my thread too personal... but its not just about marriage. As I've stated, I wouldn't get with someone who had been married more than once, and I myself don't think Id ever be married more than once... but this can be said for other aspects of my life too.
> 
> I'm not going to get in the car with someone who is known for always getting into accidents.. Im not going go to a doctor who has been sued for malpractice... Im not going to go to a lawyer who never wins any cases.... Im not going to go to a dentist who is known for doing crappy dental work.
> 
> The point is, people give themselves bad reputations and they set up huge red flags for themselves. I feel like any logical person would know to avoid someone like that... not just in marriage but in all aspects of life... but then there are the ones who are trusting and think that maybe this time will be different... and those are usually the ones who end up getting hurt.



You keep complaining about other people being judgmental when it is YOU being judgemental! My goodness do YOU even read what you write?

It takes two people to make a marriage work. The only mistakes a person with multiple marriages makes is allowing love and passion to blind them to issues that *might* be present from the get go. But not always.

There is a woman on this forum is is in process of D because her H completely hid a lot of really important factors about himself, total deal breakers. Is that he fault? No, but your statement above indicates you do indeed hold her responsible for having a failed marriage. There is a man on this forum who is struggling to find a way to connect to a woman who sounds like a horrible ***** and most people are advising him to leave. By your statement above, he should remain in this cold and indifferent marriage or be labeled a failure!

Check yourself before you throw out assumptions and judgments, the very same assumptions and judgments you claim others are making against you!


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## Anon Pink

My Dad used to say, "A man who has married several times cannot be called a failure. But can be called too optimistic!"


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## 3Xnocharm

EleGirl, thanks for sharing your story and for the support. You have really been through some serious issues, I am sorry for what you have dealt with. 

I honestly cannot say if I would try marriage again. I think most of us who have been through it multiple times are just trying to have happiness in our lives. I cannot believe that the ONE, simple thing I have really wanted in my life seems not meant to be. I find myself jealous of other people who are in long term, successful marriages, it seems like everyone can get it right but me. I am never going to fall as easily as I have in the past, this last marriage has damaged me pretty badly.


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## GTdad

My brother-in-law, in his early to mid 40s, is on his 4th marriage. As near as I can tell, the primary factors seem to be inattention to detail prior to marriage, and failure to stay engaged in the marriage once the knot is tied.

Sort of a "blame it on ADD" explanation.


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## BrockLanders

I won't judge them but I wouldn't be #6 either.


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## SimplyAmorous

EleGirl & 3Xnocharm - some of the things you have both went through, loosing twins/ almost dying/ a husband with an aneurysm (I've read some books on the brain- how utterly devastating to go from this person you loved to someone you couldn't recognize)..how that all ended.....a woman can only take so much!!! Emotional Abuse....very few women could/ would stay...and if they did, I wouldn't count them Smarter, braver, or any such thing, given those circumstances. 

My parents got divorced for far less and I feel they did the right thing, some may think that is wrong of me. I feel happiness, feeling loved by our spouses is tremendously important....Life is drab and looses is luster without this...so long as we are willing to GIVE as much and do our damnest to meet them half way, consider our own hand. We all deserve a Workable Loving faithful partner in life. 
Life can indeed be so very very unfair to some, through no fault of their own. 

Too many people give up on Love....after living through all that you have.... but you still hold a candle for it somehow, let the bitterness fall...it's a testament to your spirit...that you are still alive, kicking, believing.... 

Everyone's story is unique...to listen and try to understand is what we all should do. ...Sometimes I feel the very best of people get taken advantage of the MOST in life. If these people would just meet up with a good soul like themselves ....and find Love...allow it in... you'd never let go...but treat each other like Kings & Queens. 

Hard to read the pain in your stories.... just to say I would have done the same... had I walked in your shoes.


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## EleGirl

3Xnocharm said:


> EleGirl, thanks for sharing your story and for the support. You have really been through some serious issues, I am sorry for what you have dealt with.
> 
> I honestly cannot say if I would try marriage again. I think most of us who have been through it multiple times are just trying to have happiness in our lives. I cannot believe that the ONE, simple thing I have really wanted in my life seems not meant to be. I find myself jealous of other people who are in long term, successful marriages, it seems like everyone can get it right but me. I am never going to fall as easily as I have in the past, this last marriage has damaged me pretty badly.


If I were younger, I might consider marrying again. But I’m 63 now. I don’t see myself legally entangling myself with anyone at this age. But if I were to marry again, who cares if others judge based on me having 3 failed marriages. If a person does not care enough to get to know me before writing me off then I don’t need them in my life anyway. 

However, some day I might try for a relationship. Right now I just don’t feel like it. But who knows. Never say never. As soon as you do, fate comes up with some great joke to play on you. 

I do know many people in very long term marriages who are happy. I know people who got it wrong the first time or two but how have wonderful marriages now. 

I’ve always been an optimist, so I keep trying at things in life. I’ve read that the average extremely successful business person failed 10 times at business before they got it right. I believe that in life it’s better to try, fail, and learn from it and try again then to live in fear of failure. Why are we alive if not to live, love and try?

It sounds like in your case it was more the men you picked then you as to why your marriages failed. So if you have learned more about the red flags, have learned to pay attention and run when you first see a red flag, I think you have a very good chance of picking a lot better in the future. It’s your life… live it to make yourself happy. Take care of yourself. If you do that you will be ok no matter if you choose to marry again or not.


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## bourning

Depends on what the reason by married 5 times


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## kittykatz

Ok im just going to be done posting in this thread now because im sick of trying to defend myself. This thread was not meant to start an argument but apparently some people are determined to turn it into that. Let me just say first of all, did I ever once say that its ALWAYS the persons fault for having been married so many times? NO I did not... I keep saying over and over and over that not all cases are the same. And I certainly never made excsues for someone who is an abusive/cheating spouse... if that's the case, then the person was absolutely justified in getting a divorce... obviously noone needs to stay with a person that smacks them around or threatens to kill them just for the sake of saving a marriage.. and I never even insinuated anything like that. Some of you are just being ridiculous. And im also not saying that in all cases, if a person has been married more than once, that they should never attempt to get married again. I don't care if a person has been married 50 times... im still not saying that they shouldn't get married again. That's their life and they can live it however they want to! Does that mean im going to get with someone that's been married that many times? Absolutely not... and that is my preference and I am entitled to it... and im not the only one. There are several other people here who have said they wouldn't prefer to do that either.. but yet im the one getting targeted. I just give up. Im quite honestly shocked that someone would think id "pick apart" their failed marriages when cheating/abuse was involved.... im done. Everyone here can continue to post about how judgemental I am all you want. I've tried very hard to not step on anyones toes in this thread because I know how sensitive people are and how people take things personally but you've all proven to me that it doesn't matter how hard I try. Im still going to be the one that's targeted out of everyone else and accused of judging people... so if that's how it is, everyone have fun talking about me and what an awful judgemental person I am.. but you'll be talking to yourselves because im not giving you my time to respond to you anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much

Kitty, I don't understand your anger/hostility over responses here. You did after all start the thread. You asked for opinions and you got them. No harm no foul, everyone has differing opinions. Some line up with yours and others don't, but IMO you're taking the responses very personal for a person asking for objectivity. 

And for the record, everyone judges. Opinions are based in judgments. The sad thing is that people have attributed the word 'judgment' to only include negativity, and that is not always the case. The greatest debates and opinions were and are all forms of judgment in one form or another. 

Stand by what you post, and take what is said as it comes for the learning experience you intended it to be.


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## Sanity

kittykatz said:


> I won't mention any names here, but I know people that have been married 5-6 times. I'm just wondering what everyone's opinions are. I know none of us can speak for every single person thats been married multiple times, but in general, why do you think people do this?
> 
> Personally, I would not get married more than twice. Sometimes first marriages fail and its not necessarily anyone's fault. You could have been too young, maybe you were inexperienced, maybe you just didnt know the person as well as you thought. Sometimes you have to fail at something first, in order to learn from it and be successful at it.
> 
> However, if you are on your 4th, 5th, or 6th marriage.... I cant help but to ask myself, why?? Why would you not have just given up already? If it didnt work for you the first 5 times, its probably not going to work for you this time. Youre obviously just not the type of person that needs to be married... theres nothing wrong with that. Not trying to offend anyone that has been married that many times, but thats just my opinion.
> 
> What do you all think?



If I ever get married i'm going to really take the time to research my potential partner in every facet possible and hope to reduce my chances of another divorce. Personally two marriages would be my limit. After that maybe marriage is just not for me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

And you said I was defensive...wow. You ARE the one who opened the thread. 

I think this quote is what put me on the defensive:

"This brings up another question in my mind... why would somebody marry someone who had been married 4 or 5 times? Now, again, I don't want anyone to think im judging here... im aware that sometimes a person can marry another person who has been married that many times and have a successful marriage, not every case is the same.. but in my own personal experience, I've never seen it happen."

That sounded to me like those who have married so many times are some how "less than". I realize thats MY interpretation, but yeah..thats the one that made me post.


----------



## A Bit Much

3Xnocharm said:


> And you said I was defensive...wow. You ARE the one who opened the thread.
> 
> I think this quote is what put me on the defensive:
> 
> "This brings up another question in my mind... why would somebody marry someone who had been married 4 or 5 times? Now, again, I don't want anyone to think im judging here... im aware that sometimes a person can marry another person who has been married that many times and have a successful marriage, not every case is the same.. but in my own personal experience, I've never seen it happen."
> 
> That sounded to me like those who have married so many times are some how "less than". I realize thats MY interpretation, but yeah..thats the one that made me post.


There's no sin in being an eternal optomist 

I guess deep down I'm one myself. I'm into almost 11 years of my 3rd marriage and I couldn't be happier. Either that or I'm just stubborn and can't take a hint. :rofl:


----------



## Wiserforit

kittykatz said:


> Ok im just going to be done posting in this thread now because im sick of trying to defend myself.


New thread: what do you think of people who attack others for something (multiple marriages, obesity, whatever...)

and then get all bent out of shape when others don't join the lynching party?


----------



## kittykatz

3Xnocharm said:


> And you said I was defensive...wow. You ARE the one who opened the thread.
> 
> I think this quote is what put me on the defensive:
> 
> "This brings up another question in my mind... why would somebody marry someone who had been married 4 or 5 times? Now, again, I don't want anyone to think im judging here... im aware that sometimes a person can marry another person who has been married that many times and have a successful marriage, not every case is the same.. but in my own personal experience, I've never seen it happen."
> 
> That sounded to me like those who have married so many times are some how "less than". I realize thats MY interpretation, but yeah..thats the one that made me post.


Im getting defensive because people are giving me a reason to be. Noone else on this thread is being specifically targeted... just me!

You had no reason to be defensive in my opinion... in fact I tried to phrase my statement as carefully as possible so that noone WOULD get defensive... but I guess I failed. Thats why I put the part that says "* im aware that sometimes a person can marry another person who has been married that many times and have a successful marriage, not every case is the same * I put that there so that noone would think I was specifically talking about THEM or judging THEM.

Maybe that was the problem... maybe I didnt make it stand out enough. Yes I did open the thread and I regret that I ever did because all that it has done is cause me aggravation. Some of the people here who are giving me a hard time, are some of the same ones who have had problems with me in past threads that Ive created. I feel that they are just trying to drag drama from past threads into this one. I don't care what anyone's feelings or thoughts on me are, this thread isn't about that. If someone can't post in my threads without bringing their negative emotions toward me into it, then I wish they just wouldnt post here at all.

Anyway thats all from me. Im done here. Ive got more important things to do with my life than try to defend myself against people who are unworthy of my time. Im just going to stop caring what people here think of me. I dont know any of you here so your thoughts/opinions on me really have no effect on my life.


----------



## A Bit Much

WOW. :scratchhead:


----------



## kittykatz

Wiserforit said:


> New thread: what do you think of people who attack others for something (multiple marriages, obesity, whatever...)
> 
> and then get all bent out of shape when others don't join the lynching party?


And this is why I wish I never created this thread! Because people like you seem to think that Im "attacking" someone for something when Ive tried to say everything that I could to avoid people from thinking that... and obesity?? When did I ever attack someone for being obese? Are you referring to when I responded to a thread in which I was specifically asked who has it worse, obese people or short men, and I responded by saying short men? 

I was giving my opinion in the thread just like everyone else. Again, why am I the one being targeted? I never said anything over the top... all I said is that I generally dont have a lot of sympathy for overweight people because MOST of them can change their weight, a short person can not change their height. Not that a short person should want to change their height, Im only 5'3 myself and Im more than content! just thought Id throw that out there before you started jumping all over me for attacking short people.

The fact is, I havent attacked anyone for anything. This thread was not meant to be a "hey lets bash people whove been married 5 times" party. I wanted to get people's opinions, THATS IT. I have my opinions on certain matters, and I am absolutely 100% entitled to them just as everyone else is entitled to theirs. The only problem here is that people can't seem to respectfully disagree with me without making it personal and dragging things from past threads into it. (such as you did when you brought up the obesity thing)

You know what, if I can't give my honest opinions on this site without people taking it personal and jumping all over me, then theres no point in being here. Lets not share our honest opinions anymore everyone... lets just say what everyone else WANTS to hear, to avoid making them defensive... sorry but Im not going to do that. In fact Im not even going to TRY to word things carefully anymore so that people dont get offended because it does not work... so its a waste of time. From now on I will just say whatever I want without any regard for what other people might say or think, and if someone wants to think of me negatively for it, good for them! I guess I just wont have any friends on this site, but I dont care anymore. Im going to be myself, regardless.


----------



## that_girl

Then delete it. POOF it's gone


----------



## A Bit Much

that_girl said:


> Then delete it. POOF it's gone


And back away from the puter. Maybe you need a break. It's not worth getting this worked up over.


----------



## GTdad

A Bit Much said:


> And back away from the puter. Maybe you need a break. It's not worth getting this worked up over.


That's it. There are no posts on this thread worth getting upset about. Maybe a frown or two, but nothing more.


----------



## EleGirl

kittykatz,

You are mistaking if you think that every post here in which a person does not agree with your personal opinion is directed at you.

My two major posts on this thread were not direct at you personally. They are to address the idea that anyone who has had 3 or more failed marriage is not marriage material.

In a thread, the OP starts it. But following posts are not always directed at the OP.

No one has attacked you on this thread. You have every right to decide what your criteria is for chosing someone to marry.

We are mostly speaking in generality about the subject matter at hand. NO one is talking about YOU.


----------



## kittykatz

EleGirl said:


> kittykatz,
> 
> You are mistaking if you think that every post here in which a person does not agree with your personal opinion is directed at you.
> 
> My two major posts on this thread were not direct at you personally. They are to address the idea that anyone who has had 3 or more failed marriage is not marriage material.
> 
> In a thread, the OP starts it. But following posts are not always directed at the OP.
> 
> No one has attacked you on this thread. You have every right to decide what your criteria is for chosing someone to marry.
> 
> We are mostly speaking in generality about the subject matter at hand. NO one is talking about YOU.


3xnocharm: "Kittykatz, you say you are being open minded and not judging, but most of your posts to ME say the opposite. I feel like you are being very judgmental about this. I married three times because I think that I love love, and I have wanted to have that one special person. I am not afraid of being alone, I do alone very well. At least I have tried. And for those of you saying "never again", you really never know"

Anon_Pink: "You keep complaining about other people being judgmental when it is YOU being judgemental! My goodness do YOU even read what you write?

It takes two people to make a marriage work. The only mistakes a person with multiple marriages makes is allowing love and passion to blind them to issues that *might* be present from the get go. But not always.

There is a woman on this forum is is in process of D because her H completely hid a lot of really important factors about himself, total deal breakers. Is that he fault? No, but your statement above indicates you do indeed hold her responsible for having a failed marriage. There is a man on this forum who is struggling to find a way to connect to a woman who sounds like a horrible ***** and most people are advising him to leave. By your statement above, he should remain in this cold and indifferent marriage or be labeled a failure!

Check yourself before you throw out assumptions and judgments, the very same assumptions and judgments you claim others are making against you!"

Nobody here is directing anything specifically at me, huh? I dont know what thread you've been reading but apparently its not the one Im looking at.


----------



## that_girl

Everybody just chill!!

Chill so hard! >.<


----------



## Wiserforit

kittykatz said:


> And this is why I wish I never created this thread! Because people like you seem to think that Im "attacking" someone for something when Ive tried to say everything that I could to avoid people from thinking that...


Maybe you should listen to the message instead of shooting the messengers. Starting a thread this way is tantamount to throwing a rock and inviting others to the party.





> and obesity?? When did I ever attack someone for being obese? Are you referring to when I responded to a thread in which I was specifically asked who has it worse, obese people or short men, and I responded by saying short men?


Not referring to anything else you have posted. It is an example. If you started a thread entitled "what do you think of fat people" and then gave your negative opinion, it would have the same kind of reception.


----------



## EleGirl

Ok, so I stand correct. Something like 3 posts out of 67 addressed you specifically because they did not agree with you and/or felt you were being judgmental.

If you can get through 67 posts with only 3 in which people address you directly to disagree with you.. right about 5%, you are doing very well.

However you took my first post as a direct negative attack on you. It was not. I was giving my opinion on the topic.

I have a suspicion that you also took by long post as at direct attack on you. It was not. It was me talking to all the posters who said that anyone with 3 or more failed marriages are not marriage material, that there is something wrong with them, etc. If you choose to take it personally, then that’s your choice.


----------



## kittykatz

I think part of all this was my mistake... I should have just put No two marriages are the same. Everyone has different reasons. in huge BOLD letters about 10 times after every one of my posts. I obviously did not make that part clear enough since people seem to just glance right over it.

That way noone would be able to say "Well from your post above, you suggested this, from your post above, you suggested that". Wrong! I have not suggested anything. I have said a million times that not all marriages are the same and that everyone has their different reasons for getting divorced. What I do suggest though is that some of you get some reading glasses so that maybe you will be able to read my entire posts instead of only reading what you want to read.


----------



## that_girl

I didn't take it personally, Ele  

I just know you're wrong. :rofl: KIDDING!!


----------



## kittykatz

Wiserforit said:


> Maybe you should listen to the message instead of shooting the messengers. Starting a thread this way is tantamount to throwing a rock and inviting others to the party.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Not referring to anything else you have posted. It is an example. If you started a thread entitled "what do you think of fat people" and then gave your negative opinion, it would have the same kind of reception.


If I had started a thread about fat people, I would have started it the same exact way. I would have said something like "from MY personal experience and based on the experiences that I have personally had with fat people, this is what my opinion is... however I realize that NOT ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE THE SAME. I am only speaking from my own personal experience".

If people are still going to take it the wrong way, even when I make it clear that I am not judging ALL fat people, just as Ive made it clear Im not judging ALL divorced people, then theyre obviously ignorant themselves and don't know how to have a mature conversation with someone without taking everything personally... and someone like that is not worth my time and not worth the headache in the first place.


----------



## DaddyLongShanks

anony2 said:


> My aunt has been married 5 times, she is on her 5th husband that she has been married 30+ years to. They are happily married. She wasn't the problem in the past marriages either, she just did not have experience picking a partner that would be good to her.


Sometimes we make the mistake of picking the same type of person...

In my case I'm man enough to admit I caused my first two maritial failures. The third time there was nothing I could do but stand in and be a sacrificial lamb. The first two relationships were good relationships, not as "hot" as all the single banging and all that you think is going on in the world, but good stable relationships.

The third one was a bad relationship.

Would I marry again. Well I don't NEED to get marry, I can have a committed relationship with someone and not get married, but if it pains her for long enough time and she is the right type of person for me, after a longer waiting period than before and going through much of the maritial situations beforehand I could do it again.


----------



## kittykatz

EleGirl said:


> Ok, so I stand correct. Something like 3 posts out of 67 addressed you specifically because they did not agree with you and/or felt you were being judgmental.
> 
> If you can get through 67 posts with only 3 in which people address you directly to disagree with you.. right about 5%, you are doing very well.
> 
> However you took my first post as a direct negative attack on you. It was not. I was giving my opinion on the topic.
> 
> I have a suspicion that you also took by long post as at direct attack on you. It was not. It was me talking to all the posters who said that anyone with 3 or more failed marriages are not marriage material, that there is something wrong with them, etc. If you choose to take it personally, then that’s your choice.


If thats the case, then my apologies. But since you and I have butted heads in past threads, I just assumed you were directing your posts at me. Not to mention, you "liked" 3xnocharm's posts and some of the others that were talking specifically to me... so that lead me to believe that you agreed with them. So maybe Ive taken your posts too personally.... but there are also people here who have taken MY posts too personally also. 

Next time I feel someone is directing a post at me but I am unsure, I will just calmly ask them before allowing them to get me worked up over it. 

As for the people that WERE posting directly at me, I still disagree with you but I do regret allowing you to get me so infuriated over the whole thing. Im over it now though. I said what I wanted to say, and I have vented my anger, and i feel better now. Like I said, I dont know any of you here so your opinions of me really have no effect on my life, so I shouldnt even care. In the future, I wont. Its not worth it.


----------



## EleGirl

that_girl said:


> I didn't take it personally, Ele
> 
> I just know you're wrong. :rofl: KIDDING!!


You my dear are just a trouble maker. What on earth are we going to do with you :scratchhead: :rofl:


----------



## that_girl

I can think of a few things...but you're gunna need duct tape and a plastic sheet


----------



## Mavash.

Interesting if we count live in relationships then I'm on my 3rd. 

What can I say I'm a try it before I buy it kinda gal. I don't think of them like divorces though. We had no kids, no assets and it only lasted 1-2 years. I couldn't live with them so I left.


----------



## EleGirl

KittyKatz, 

One thing to think of is that negatives are taken to be stronger than positives. In marketing we were taught that for a business it takes 13 good experiences for a customer to get over 1 bad experience. I have found that people respond the same way in their personal life.

You did say some pretty strong things. And poeple "feel" those words much stronger than the positive.



> Getting married to someone that's been married twice is a little different than getting married to a person that's been married 3 or more times though.





> I'm not going to get in the car with someone who is known for always getting into accidents.. Im not going go to a doctor who has been sued for malpractice... Im not going to go to a lawyer who never wins any cases.... Im not going to go to a dentist who is known for doing crappy dental work.
> 
> The point is, people give themselves bad reputations and they set up huge red flags for themselves. I feel like any logical person would know to avoid someone like that... not just in marriage but in all aspects of life... but then there are the ones who are trusting and think that maybe this time will be different... and those are usually the ones who end up getting hurt.


In the above quote you equated people who are married/divorced multiple times to doctors, lawyers and dentists who are incompetent and actually harm people. You say that a person with multiple marriages/divorces have made a bad name for themselves and you do not know why anyone would have anything to do with them in any aspect in life. OUCH!!!


I agree that the more failed relationships a person has had, taking a very close look at why those relationships failed is a very wise idea. But it's just one of many things that a person who is seeking a mate has to evaluate.


----------



## EleGirl

that_girl said:


> I can think of a few things...but you're gunna need duct tape and a plastic sheet


You forgot about the shovel...


----------



## EleGirl

Mavash. said:


> Interesting if we count live in relationships then I'm on my 3rd.
> 
> What can I say I'm a try it before I buy it kinda gal. I don't think of them like divorces though. We had no kids, no assets and it only lasted 1-2 years. I couldn't live with them so I left.


Some people end up in marriages like that 1-2 years and then find out they cannot live with the person. Usually a short marriage like that is not hard to untangle.

From my experience, living with a person before marriage does not reveil what they will be like after marriage. People have completely different attitudes about living together and marriage. Once married many start to act just like their disfunctional parents. 

Under some circumstances, living together before marriage increases the possibility of divorce. 

"People who are either formally or informally engaged and those who plan to spend the rest of their lives together do not have an increased risk of divorce.

Those who move in for other reasons do face an increased risk"
Does Premarital Cohabitation Predict Divorce? | World of Psychology


----------



## Wiserforit

kittykatz said:


> If people are still going to take it the wrong way, even when I make it clear that I am not judging ALL fat people,


See how you are incapable of listening?

They are not taking it the wrong way. You invited judgement and gave your own judgement as an opening.

It simply does not matter whether you say not ALL Jews or blacks or women or fat people or married 5X are lesser humans. 

Then, as has been demonstrated, you went off all hypersensitive about people disagreeing with you, as if you had been crucified. Exaggerating, over-reacting - these are symptoms of someone who has a _problem_. Quick to judge others, and overly reactive to reasonable disagreement.


----------



## Holland

I have never met anyone that has been married 5 times, can't think of anyone that has been married more than twice.
Regardless each of us follows our own path and hopefully we learn about life along the way. For me after my marriage ended I spent a lot of time and energy learning why and what happened in order to grow and to do all I can to avoid the same situation.


----------



## tm84

Late to this discussion, but I don't understand how people can go through 5 or 6 marriages, myself. I know the reasons that people have, but after twice, I don't think it's worth going through all of that mess again, but that's me. I'm on my first marriage, messed up, and if this doesn't work out, I'll be quite fine with being by myself.


----------



## kittykatz

Wiserforit said:


> See how you are incapable of listening?
> 
> They are not taking it the wrong way. You invited judgement and gave your own judgement as an opening.
> 
> It simply does not matter whether you say not ALL Jews or blacks or women or fat people or married 5X are lesser humans.
> 
> Then, as has been demonstrated, you went off all hypersensitive about people disagreeing with you, as if you had been crucified. Exaggerating, over-reacting - these are symptoms of someone who has a _problem_. Quick to judge others, and overly reactive to reasonable disagreement.


Ok youre right its all my fault. Is that what you want to hear? Im over it and Im done with the subject.


----------



## EleGirl

:scratchhead:


----------



## EleGirl

I just remembered this....

I went out on a few dates with a guy who had been married 4 times. He was in his late twenties as was I. This was when I was in the Army.

We went to the NCO club for dancing and to have a few drinks. Some woman who was there came over and started talking to him. They went of to talk at a table far away from where I was sitting. I watched. She threw the contents of her drink at him. 

So when he came back I asked what was up. She was married to some guy in the Army. He's had an affair with her and he broke it off with her right before I met her him. 

That was the last time I went out with him. Yikes... what a track record. He had a hard time understanding that I was not interested in being involved in that kind of nonsensical drama.


----------



## calmwinds

Perhaps they simply never stop BELIEVING that love is out there, but make poor choices in trying to find that one, permanant love.

I have also known a few "rescuers" who are always trying to make some poor waif's life a better place, only to find that they can never seem to put out all the fires. If all the fires are out, the waif no longer in need of rescue, finds another knight...


----------



## ColemanBooks

You're right. Its not very common. 3 is alot and I know a few of them. One on their fourth. He's got alimony flowing in all directions and is living in a tiny apartment. 

It's all luck really, you never know what the person you marry in their twenties will morph into in their forties.


----------



## scatty

I wonder why you would keep marrying after 3 times, rather than just living together. Seems like they would be a glutton for punishment. My opinion only, of course!


----------



## Wiserforit

kittykatz said:


> Ok youre right its all my fault. Is that what you want to hear? Im over it and Im done with the subject.


That's what people do when they don't want to listen to what people have to say. Which allegedly was your intention. 

"OK so I'm the worst person on earth. Happy now? I'm leaving..."


----------



## kittykatz

Wiserforit said:


> That's what people do when they don't want to listen to what people have to say. Which allegedly was your intention.
> 
> "OK so I'm the worst person on earth. Happy now? I'm leaving..."


No... youre wrong. It was my way of saying Im not going to argue about it anymore, because I was getting way too heated up over it, and I didnt feel that it was worth it. After I had time to cool off, I actually feel like I did overreact... but I still disagree with you when you say that I created this thread just to "lynch" people who've been married more than one time. That was not my intention at all. 

If you or anyone else still thinks that was the purpose of this thread, you can go ahead and think whatever you want. I just wont respond to you or people like you, if I can't control myself from blowing up or overreacting from now on.


----------



## Mr Blunt

I have a relative that was widowed in her 30s and left with two daughters (Husband had a brain tumor). She stayed single for a few years then married a man and his marriage to her was his 3rd. His first two wives cheated on him. They will be married for 20 years later this year and they are doing real well.

There is always exceptions to rules and I think there can be several exceptions in the 2 or 3 marriage categories. However, this thread was titled *Re: What do you think of people who've been married 5 times?*

Sorry I am not about to become anyone’s 6th marriage. That does not mean that the 5 time married people are bad people, it is just that they can not get marriage right. I have a hard enough time keeping our one time marriage successful; just cannot see how a 6th marriage would work for me. Not going to try and find out either.


*I wonder how many poster on here would agree to be the 6th spouse?*


----------



## EleGirl

Mr Blunt said:


> Sorry I am not about to become anyone’s 6th marriage. That does not mean that the 5 time married people are bad people, it is just that they can not get marriage right. I have a hard enough time keeping our one time marriage successful; just cannot see how a 6th marriage would work for me. Not going to try and find out either.
> 
> 
> *I wonder how many poster on here would agree to be the 6th spouse?*


You, of course, have every right to decide on the criterea you use to select who you would marry or not. 

I think that most people would look very carefully at someone who had been married/divorced 5 times. I agree that it's a red flag, one of many red flags that exist.

Like you said, more than one marriage (to include 5 or more marriages) does not make a person a bad person. But some of the comments on this thread have been unnecessarily harsh. For example I found the post comparing a person who has been married many times to a wreckless driver, seriously negligent doctor/dentist, or incompetent attorney. This followed by the comment: “The point is, people give themselves bad reputations and they set up huge red flags for themselves. I feel like any logical person would know to avoid someone like that... not just in marriage but in all aspects of life..”

I think that I would look at the whole person. If there were any marriages in their past, I’d want to know what really happened that led to divorce. I’d want to know what the person has done to fix their part of the failed marriage. I’m not saying that I would or would not marry such a person. I’m only saying that I would not write them off categorically without more knowledge if I really liked/cared for them otherwise. I can definitely think of things a person can do in their lifetime that are far worse than them overly optimistic about love and marriage.


----------



## LouAnn Poovy

*Not reading the other responses.

I'd definitely chuckle at someone married that many times, but never date them. Is chuckling judging them? It wouldn't effect my life in the least, but I would find it amusing and a curiosity.*


----------



## kittykatz

EleGirl said:


> You, of course, have every right to decide on the criterea you use to select who you would marry or not.
> 
> I think that most people would look very carefully at someone who had been married/divorced 5 times. I agree that it's a red flag, one of many red flags that exist.
> 
> Like you said, more than one marriage (to include 5 or more marriages) does not make a person a bad person. But some of the comments on this thread have been unnecessarily harsh. For example I found the post comparing a person who has been married many times to a wreckless driver, seriously negligent doctor/dentist, or incompetent attorney. This followed by the comment: “The point is, people give themselves bad reputations and they set up huge red flags for themselves. I feel like any logical person would know to avoid someone like that... not just in marriage but in all aspects of life..”
> 
> I think that I would look at the whole person. If there were any marriages in their past, I’d want to know what really happened that led to divorce. I’d want to know what the person has done to fix their part of the failed marriage. I’m not saying that I would or would not marry such a person. I’m only saying that I would not write them off categorically without more knowledge if I really liked/cared for them otherwise. I can definitely think of things a person can do in their lifetime that are far worse than them overly optimistic about love and marriage.


 I was just trying to say that im the type of person that's going to avoid people who have given themselves bad reputations. Maybe an imcompetent lawyer/doctor, etc... was a bad example if you look at it in the sense that doctors who've been sued for malpractice intentionally hurt people... but on the other hand, who is to say that the reason a person has been married 5 times is not because THEY enjoy intentionally hurting people? Not physically... but maybe someone hurt them emotionally at some point in their life and so they get a thrill out of playing mind games with people and then moving onto the next... maybe its their way of revenge. Now I realize this isn't always the case... sometimes people just truly are determined to find "the one" and are overly optomistic. Im just throwing out ideas here to get you to think about... because I believe that there are SOME people (not all, I never said that) who actually would compare to some of the scenarios that I mentioned... so even though you may have found it harsh, I just find it to be being honest...and possibly true in some cases.. it all depends on their reason for being married so many times. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## artlady

I can see both sides just because of two people who are or have been in my life who've been married four times: my MIL, and my H's first serious girlfriend/AP. I know it all depends on circumstances, and if they learned anything/grew from the marriages that ended.

My MIL: first marriage: she was 18, sheltered, and had never been out of France, and my H's father was in the Air Force and in his 30s. They were married for about 5 years, but I honestly think that it was the age and personality difference that broke them up. Second marriage: she was married for about eleven years to whom she'd still call "the love of her life". But while she worked two jobs, he went from menial job to menial job, and in between those was always getting into get-rich-quick schemes. It got to be too much--she had two boys to raise (my H's dad was dead by then), and they argued so much over his flightiness. Marriage #3: I think this was a rebound marriage. Although they had a son, they argued about 80% of the time. Just a serious clash of personalities. And he's not nice: overly-possessive, and that was his fourth marriage, too.

4th marriage: they've been together for 23 years and married for 21. He dotes on her, she loves it, takes care of him... seems like it took them both a long time to find the 'perfect' relationship, but it works really well.

On the other hand... my H's ex's four marriages have taken place between the age of 29 and 42. Only one of them lasted five years. Her first lasted a year, after two kids (they were together for three or four before that). She used one word to describe all her husbands: for her first, it was "jerk". Second husband: "boring". Third husband: "possessive" (she cheated on him, so no wonder). The fourth marriage is on the second year now, but who knows if it'll last (and her word for him a couple of months before they married was "freeloader"). Her kids freely said she "always needs a man around". She left a couple of the marriages, but her third husband kicked her out twice. The difference between her and my MIL is that I know my MIL worked on herself... my H's ex has blamed all her exes on the failure of the marriages, and has said she did nothing wrong. If she can't admit that she might have had something to do with the ends of her marriages... I don't see how she'll recognize that she is going to make them again in this one.

Me, personally, I don't know if I'd date someone who'd been married four, five, six times. I've been with my H for almost 24 years, since I was eighteen, so at this point I don't even know, if something happened, if I'd even want to be with someone who'd only been married *once*, you know? Just my two cents.


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## EleGirl

kittykatz said:


> I was just trying to say that im the type of person that's going to avoid people who have given themselves bad reputations.


I’m not sure that people who marry multiple times have given themselves a bad reputation. Sure there are people who will judge them that way. But there are people who find reasons to judge people just because it makes them feel better. I can think of a lot of worse things that give people REAL bad reputations. You know things like actually doing something bad like stealing, arson, assault, murder. 


kittykatz said:


> Maybe an imcompetent lawyer/doctor, etc... was a bad example if you look at it in the sense that doctors who've been sued for malpractice intentionally hurt people...


Just because a doctor is sued for malpractice does not mean that the doctor did anything wrong. A huge percentage of malpractice law suits against doctors are frivolous. Yet the person who sues usually gets an out of court settlement from the doctor’s insurance company just because it’s a lot cheaper than going to court. 

An example of this is a OB/GYN MD friend of mine. He had some woman walk into his office for the first time the day she delivered. He called an ambulance to take her to the hospital where he delivered her baby. She had no medical care at all during the pregnancy and had developed diabetes. Thus she had all the typical problems, the baby struggled for some time. My friend really stuck his neck out helping her even though he was not her doctor. She then sued him for malpractice based on all the problems she and her baby had. SHE caused the problems because she did not get medical care. My friend was furious because his insurance company just handed her lots to money to get rid of her.

Even when a doctor does do something that harms a patient, it’s seldom intentional. Most people make mistakes on their jobs from time to time. The problem with medical care is that honest mistakes can lead to horrible consequences for the patient.



kittykatz said:


> but on the other hand, who is to say that the reason a person has been married 5 times is not because THEY enjoy intentionally hurting people? Not physically... but maybe someone hurt them emotionally at some point in their life and so they get a thrill out of playing mind games with people and then moving onto the next... maybe its their way of revenge.


Ya know, if a person just wants to hurt others, they don’t have to marry them. It’s really easy to do without marriage. It’s so farfetched to think that most people who marry many times do it for the purpose of hurting others.



kittykatz said:


> Now I realize this isn't always the case... sometimes people just truly are determined to find "the one" and are overly optomistic.


This is the major reason that people marry many times. They keep trying to get it right. They believe that there is love out there for them. Sometimes they are just messed up people who cannot get it right. Sometimes they are people that life just keeps throwing curve balls at.


kittykatz said:


> Im just throwing out ideas here to get you to think about... because I believe that there are SOME people (not all, I never said that) who actually would compare to some of the scenarios that I mentioned...


Yes there are some people out there who do bad things. And some of them are people who marry many times. But most people who marry many times are not doing bad things. 

And I am just putting out other ideas here to get you and others to think about… because I think that most people who marry many times are not bad people who are just looking to hurt others. Most are just looking for love and a connection to another person.



kittykatz said:


> so even though you may have found it harsh, I just find it to be being honest...and possibly true in some cases.. it all depends on their reason for being married so many times.


“The point is, people give themselves bad reputations and they set up huge red flags for themselves. I feel like any logical person would know to avoid someone like that... not just in marriage but in all aspects of life..”

You statement had no qualifiers. The way that statement is worded, it is how you feel about anyone who has had multiple marriages.. no matter the reason they have had them. Yes it’s a harsh statement. The statement was made after some brought up valid reason why some might marry multiple times. 

You think we, those of us who have married more times than you think is acceptable, are people who have made bad reputations for ourselves, we have set up red flags. And you, as a logical person, know to avoid someone like use… not just in marriage but in all aspects of life. We get it.

Remember that there are far worse things that a person can do then be optimistic and try to find love and a life partner many times.


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## Lazarus

kittykatz said:


> I won't mention any names here, but I know people that have been married 5-6 times. I'm just wondering what everyone's opinions are. I know none of us can speak for every single person thats been married multiple times, but in general, why do you think people do this?
> 
> What do you all think?


There's a problem. 

a) A character flaw in the people chosen
b) A character flaw in the person chosing
c) A lot of disappointment, thus a lot of baggage for any other relationship to contend with

Better to sort out with the devil you know than start out all over again with the devil you don't know!


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## DaddyLongShanks

Lazarus said:


> There's a problem.
> 
> a) A character flaw in the people chosen
> b) A character flaw in the person chosing
> c) A lot of disappointment, thus a lot of baggage for any other relationship to contend with
> 
> Better to sort out with the devil you know than start out all over again with the devil you don't know!


Not necessarily true. Sometimes the devil you know tricks and things it needs to feed just won't jive with you. Perhaps their normal routine is disruptive for you and harmful.


Have to learn how to identify them, and maybe their "bad" is not "bad" for you at all, or it is in an area that has no effect on you.


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## EleGirl

Lazarus said:


> There's a problem.
> 
> a) A character flaw in the people chosen
> b) A character flaw in the person chosing
> c) A lot of disappointment, thus a lot of baggage for any other relationship to contend with
> 
> Better to sort out with the devil you know than start out all over again with the devil you don't know!


1) A "character flaw" would be a flaw in a person's moral force or integrity.

2) "a flaw in the combination of traits and qualities distinguishing the individual nature of a person or thing"

Everyone has "character flaws" if we use the definition #2.

Does everyone have "character flaws" based on definition #1? I think so. Some will claim that they do not, but I doubt it.

Perhaps their "character flaw" is that they are just bad judges of people. Or that they are optomistic about the possibility that they too can find what others have found.. love. Is optomism a "character flaw".


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## DaddyLongShanks

EleGirl said:


> 1) A "character flaw" would be a flaw in a person's moral force or integrity.
> 
> 2) "a flaw in the combination of traits and qualities distinguishing the individual nature of a person or thing"
> 
> Everyone has "character flaws" if we use the definition #2.
> 
> Does everyone have "character flaws" based on definition #1? I think so. Some will claim that they do not, but I doubt it.
> 
> Perhaps their "character flaw" is that they are just bad judges of people. Or that they are optomistic about the possibility that they too can find what others have found.. love. Is optomism a "character flaw".


Sometimes on #2, people see the good on others, but not the bad. Sometimes this is a great quality, but other times, in some people the bad builds up and overwelms them, it can't work.


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## DontJudge

I have been married 5 times. I love the fact ~ it's me. I am so happy for those women, who married their first love! And will mine, was a thief and a liar in the AF in 1989. Desert Storm for those who are too young to understand. My second husband, well couldn't keep it in his pants (because I thought I could change him). My third WELL gay! He needed a wife to pursue his career and I was tired and was ok with that until I wasn't. Fourth...Con artist! toke me for 25K and wiped out my bank account. Fifth, still married to a real man who loves me. So stop this stupid nonsense on who you think you are and can actually tell me ~its me. Live your own life and stop judging!!


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## jlcrome

Personally I wouldn't give up on courtship or a relationship all together even being married before. Sometimes we look down on people who been married 3,4,5 times but treat others differently never married 40 plus singles. I'm sure there some people been thru dozens among dozens of relationships that involve kids and so on never married but we as society just pat them on the back. Someone that has been married 4 or 5 times usually get the opposite. Personalky I think it's rare that people reach a 5th marriage so rare that there is probably more lottery winners than 5th marriages. But things happen we got to have best wishes for them. At my age at 47 would I choose someone that been married at least 4 times vs single never married? Both have it's pros and cons let's look at single never married at my age. Hum you got 4 kids by 4 diffenerent guys never married hopping one relationship to another never happy vs. maybe someone who's got intergrity maybe had bad luck in life, made poor decisions, stuck it out in difficult situations, tried their best in life but failed......yes the options at my age is limited but I choose someone with integrity period over someone who not willing to be fully commited and just hopping one guy to the next.


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## farsidejunky

Zombie thread from 2013. Closing.


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