# When one person just don't care if the marriage lasts



## Miyami (Aug 26, 2013)

I have been married 19 years. 
I will say that "I" thought those 19 years were happy years, and we loved each other.

I know I can't make someone else love me, but I was floored to hear my husband tell me it wouldn't matter to him if we stayed married or not. He'd just keep on doing what he's doing. 

I have given from the heart. I took my vows seriously. We don't argue very often. Yet, he doesn't seem to care anymore. He refuses counseling because it's "my problem". He's fine with it.

After getting over that feeling of being punched in the stomach and then spending the following day trying to figure out what to do, I started realizing that this was a one sided relationship that I allowed myself to give. I just thought for 19 years that you make your spouse important and love with all your heart. If you have a problem, say it, and together we'd work though it.

I did things to make him happy because I loved him. I went to football games when I had no interest at all in them because it mattered to him and many more things like that. Did he do that back? No. Never. Did I seem to mind until now? Not really. 

I'd give him hugs every day, yet I never noticed I didn't get one first from him. If I stopped hugging him and telling him how much I love him, I don't think it would bother him at all.

We went through a problem lately of his saying we needed to save as money as we could, yet he was going to strip clubs and giving our money to nude girls. We both work. Never in 19 years do I think he ever went to one of those places. We had each other. Did it hurt to know he was spending family money he said we needed to save on nude girls? Absolutely. Did he care? No. He told me that I'm jealous that those girls like him. They'll like anyone who hands them money. Our sex life seemed normal, just like it has for 19 years. Not boring, not repetitive, but good and loving until recently. Now the only thing he wants to for me to satisfy him. I asked why, and he says that's what he wants. That's when he told me that if I didn't want to do that, he'd find someone else who would. This just started. 

We've always shared household chores. He had no trouble going grocery shopping for us if I couldn't do it. It really seemed like we were a team until recently. Now he works, watches tele, and goes to strip clubs.

When I ask what is wrong, he says I don't know. He has 4 phrases he uses a lot. " Get Over It". "There's the door". "I never asked you to to anything for me". and "I don't know". It's like they could make a male doll with a pull string in the back that uses only 4 phrases, and that would be my husband. But this didn't start until the beginning of August.

What could cause one person to just not care about their marriage anymore? 

If I cry or get upset, that seems like his ticket to leave the house and go out for a while. Most likely the nude strip club.

I don't think he's cheating on me, unless you call his giving our family money to nude girls for his pleasure as cheating. Maybe he is, and I'm too stupid to see it.

I haven't talked to my friends about this because I just don't know what to think. I'm having a lot of emotional pain over this.
I hope someone might be able to give me some advice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trying to understand WHY he's like this isn't going to help you much, I don't think. You need to start thinking about what's acceptable to you, and then start making some hard decisions. Personally, I'd start by taking to a local lawyer about your personal situation and find out what your options are in terms of separation or divorce.

C


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## Miyami (Aug 26, 2013)

Thank you for the advice.

I've already seen an attorney. Now it's up to me to file and just figure out where to go from here. He does not care. He only cares about how much I'll take from him, which will be every single thing I can possibly take. Maybe that's just my being bitter, but I think after all this crap he deserves nothing.

I feel stunned and so hurt. I can't seem to concentrate. I'm not sleeping. I'm not eating. I cry. This hurts so bad. I've lost 9 pounds so far, and I was only 131 to start with.

I see a therapist starting next week. 

OMG. It feels like my world has ended, and he gets to just go on living as a single man with no hurt and no consequences. 

Life is so not fair. I can't get those years of my life back. 

I keep saying that the next day will be better, and it's not so far. I pray for that first day I can smile again.


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## JLinJapan (Aug 29, 2013)

Seems like he really doesn't care anymore, just wants complete freedom.. No effort on his part to make things right. Staying with him will only prolong the inevitable.

Im sorry that you feel you lost all those years but you haven't. You couldnt have known that this was going to happen. Im sure youve had some great times and experiences along the way. The world doesnt end here, its a new beginning.


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