# To Men Who Have Had Midlife HELP



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I have posted what is going on in my life with my 64 yr old husband and the new love of his life: a boulevard motorcycle with accompanying silver bullet belt with crossbone & skull, hip flask, boots, new skull & crossbone flag (made and spray painted black today) interchangeable with the American Flag and the new fumanchu dyed brown . This is immediately following an ED episode in which I lightly joked to not have feel bad and it had the OPPOSITE effect. Truly this in no way diminished him as a man in my eyes and I said it was probably me, he no longer found me attractive (but I am very) and he said yes that is exactly it he hasn't loved or liked me for the last year and a half. Why would he have bought a diamond bracelet in November, matching earrings and pendant, new swivel chairs for living room and built me an enclosed vegetable garden (very nice). All I did each day was tell this man how much I loved him, how he was the most handsome man in the world and take my crap out on him which he said is the reason he no longer loves me. So Wednesday, I have an appt to sign divorce papers (my doing because I did not know what to do). He leaves every two weeks for two weeks on bike camp trips.
Please advise me. I am completely clueless. He is cold and distant and seems perfectly happy to get rid of me. I told him I still love him but that made no impression. HELP!!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Wow, I guess for me the kicker is the age 64 I'm not 64 that's a pretty long way away, so my advice is not worth much.

He may be feeling a ton of things after the ED incident. He may see life as coming to an end, he may be resentful, who knows........

I wish you the best of luck on your journey!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Take out extra life insurance for him. 64 year old men who are not on top of their game do not have a great record, safety-wise when it comes to big hulking bikes for long periods of time.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sparkles422 said:


> I have posted what is going on in my life with my 64 yr old husband and the new love of his life: a boulevard motorcycle with accompanying silver bullet belt with crossbone & skull, hip flask, boots, new skull & crossbone flag (made and spray painted black today) interchangeable with the American Flag and the new fumanchu dyed brown . This is immediately following an ED episode in which I lightly joked to not have feel bad and it had the OPPOSITE effect. Truly this in no way diminished him as a man in my eyes and I said it was probably me, he no longer found me attractive (but I am very) and he said yes that is exactly it he hasn't loved or liked me for the last year and a half. Why would he have bought a diamond bracelet in November, matching earrings and pendant, new swivel chairs for living room and built me an enclosed vegetable garden (very nice). All I did each day was tell this man how much I loved him, how he was the most handsome man in the world and take my crap out on him which he said is the reason he no longer loves me. So Wednesday, I have an appt to sign divorce papers (my doing because I did not know what to do). He leaves every two weeks for two weeks on bike camp trips.
> Please advise me. I am completely clueless. He is cold and distant and seems perfectly happy to get rid of me. I told him I still love him but that made no impression. HELP!!


My understanding is that midlife crisis usually hits in the forties and fifties. At least for me it did. I only say that to suggest that the issues might be different than others. Often, it feels like temporary desperation. His sense of desperation might be deeper due to his age. But what goes up usually comes down. I didn't read the other post, but are you sure that now is the time for divorce? He's questioning things, even if he says that he knows exactly how he feels. Also, I get the impression that you might be younger. If he had ED, he may simply be too immature to handle it, and is daunted by your youth.

That said, he has hurt you deeply, so I understand the divorce. Expecially if he will not take your hand and let you help him ride through this. He's probably going to wake up some day to deep regrets.

If telling him that you will help him weather the ED crisis won't make him budge, I'm not sure what will. It just seems that it challenged his perception of his manhood, so now he's blatantly trying to find it elsewhere. Seems like you probably already tried the obvious actions, like not allowing him to feel threatened by the ED. Not questioning if it is you. And, by assuring him that you love him and will stand with him through this. 

There are some women who have dealt with husbands in this situation, but some may be away from their computers for the weekend. Hopfeully, somebody will offer better advice.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sparkles422 said:


> I have posted what is going on in my life with my 64 yr old husband and the new love of his life: a boulevard motorcycle with accompanying silver bullet belt with crossbone & skull, hip flask, boots, new skull & crossbone flag (made and spray painted black today) interchangeable with the American Flag and the new fumanchu dyed brown . This is immediately following an ED episode in which I lightly joked to not have feel bad and it had the OPPOSITE effect. Truly this in no way diminished him as a man in my eyes and I said it was probably me, he no longer found me attractive (but I am very) and he said yes that is exactly it he hasn't loved or liked me for the last year and a half. Why would he have bought a diamond bracelet in November, matching earrings and pendant, new swivel chairs for living room and built me an enclosed vegetable garden (very nice). All I did each day was tell this man how much I loved him, how he was the most handsome man in the world and take my crap out on him which he said is the reason he no longer loves me. So Wednesday, I have an appt to sign divorce papers (my doing because I did not know what to do). He leaves every two weeks for two weeks on bike camp trips.
> Please advise me. I am completely clueless. He is cold and distant and seems perfectly happy to get rid of me. I told him I still love him but that made no impression. HELP!!


Would seem at 64 he’s a bit past having an MLC. But then again it sounds like he’s doing things he hasn’t done before and MLC is a bit about that. Kind of doing things before it’s too late, before we get too old to do them.

But at that age most men will want to consolidate and make secure what they have. Not turn their world upside down and inside out. But men will do that if they feel their wife is holding them back, if they feel their wife has this bloody great anchor in the ground that not even a ten ton tractor or carrot could budge. Maybe your H gets that feeling with your good self. I certainly did with my wife.

I’m 62 and was at a time of my life for consolidating and making what I/we had secure. But it didn’t work out that way and 18 months ago we separated. And guess what? I’ve got my eye on a custom cruiser and am thinking on growing a ponytail! Don’t know that I will, but the thoughts pass through my mind.

How many times have you been camping with him? How many times have you been on the back of his bike?

Bob


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I actually think you are doing correctly.

His response, no matter how you characterize it (mid life, end life), is disproportionate.

I believe your response has to be disproportionate too. Abandoning his wife and life for a motorcycle is not cool. I know they always said men with nice cars, guns and motorcycles were compensating for something. . .now I know.

Good luck.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

H bought bike 2 days after ED. Talked to him about Viagara & he said he didn't want to have to do that for the rest of his life. But he takes sleeping pills every night since I have been with him. Because he only bought this bike 3 months ago, and this is when this all happened, I never been on a camping trip with him. He started texting and calling this woman from high school (she is married 45 yrs) and happened to live in an area that he just "happened" to have a road trip to. He told me he saw her once, that the trip was boring, and she will never leave her husband. That she is a very nice woman but will stay with her h. Yes I am 11 yrs younger and look very good for my age etc....Now he is going away up north for 2 wks at the end of month. I do think it is over, there is no communication whatsoever. I go to my meetings and I am starting to put my life back in order with meeting new female friends and thinking how I am going to support myself since everything was pre-marital except for the house (which I paid half). The job market is very poor here. So we will have an inhouse divorce until the house sells. I know I will get through this and yes perhaps I will never understand what happened other than he never did understand about venting anger so it doesn't grow, other than that I am in the dark. But honestly, perhaps this was over when the sex went out a few years ago. I think that was a huge indicator that I refused to look at. It will be time time time and as long as it takes. But I am feeling stronger today and that is all I really or any of us really have just this day. I must keep the focus on myself and find pleasure in small things and continue to grow. Thank you all for your help, you really did help me and this site is fab to "vent".


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sparkles422, I think your H has just decided to find ways to enjoy himself. And he did that a few years back and ever since then your relationship/marriage has been in a holding pattern.


Bob


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