# Annulment Questionnaire



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Oh, boy. My sister's ex-husband asked me to fill out an annulment questionnaire for him a few months ago, and I just got it recently. I read through it, and I can see why my sister did not want any of her siblings to fill it out. It asks very personal questions.

The answers will all be available to both of them. Hard to be honest when you know their feelings will likely be hurt.

I was only 8 when they got married. I don't really remember much of their courtship.

The last question on the questionnaire: What was the basic problem in their marriage?

Well, they were both selfish people. Neither wanted to admit they were wrong, neither wanted to be humble. Neither could say, "I don't think I have been what you needed, but I would like to be. How could I do that?"

It was always blaming the other person.

And the questionnaire also asks about sexual molestation. Geez, no wonder my sister did not want us to fill this out. Who wants to relive that by having other people confirm that yes, it happened. I don't even feel like I should answer that. My brothers don't even go to the Catholic Church anymore. It is not like they will be held accountable.

I know my ex-brother-in-law is counting on my filling it out so that he can get an annulment and marry again in the Church. I want to do this for him. It matters to him.

My sister left the Church and got married in an evangelical church. No annulment necessary.

I don't want to violate her privacy, but I want him to have the life he wants, too.

Should I fill it out? Or tell him that I am sorry, but the questions are just too painful, and I don't want to hurt my sister? 

I did not realize how detailed the questions would be when I agreed to do it. And how can we really judge another's marriage? We don't really know how it was, just how it looked to us. Is that really accurate?

What would you do?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I would ask your sister how she wants you to fill it out. He is no longer part of the family, and blood is thicker than water.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What a strange situation.. I would not fill it out - no way.. even if you and sister are not close these days (not sure where that is).. but this is over stepping "normal" boundaries .... Gracefully decline this.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I've never understood why it's any business of the church to know every minute detail of the marriage. The couple was not compatible, end of discussion. My mom had told me about what they wanted to know when she was going to fill out the form for her anullment from her first husband. When she saw that they asked such personal quetions about the sex life, she said forget it. he and dad were unable to marry in the church, but that didn't matter to them. Mom had two of us baptized as babies, we had First Communion, and then left the Catholic church... mom, sis, and me. We joined a different church with dad. 

Anyway, I wouldn't do it. Unless your sister ok's it, politely decline. BTW, why did he ask you, knowing the kinds of questions the form asks?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It's really important to him to be able to remarry in the Catholic Church. My sister would not agree to participating in the process, so apparently there is some alternative path by having some of her family members fill out a questionnaire.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

if your sister is not filling out her form, why should you? I would let it drop


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The questions are there to be answered if you want a particular item considered. It's not a must to fill out everything.

For example a sexless marriage is considered a valid reason for an annulment. So if someone whats an annulment based on that, they need to explain that the marriage is/was sexless.



10.Does my ex-spouse have to agree or participate for an annulment to be granted? What is my ex-spouse is not Catholic and wants nothing to do with the process? What if I do not know where my former spouse is living? 

It’s not true that both spouses have to agree to petition to receive a Declaration of Nullity. Tribunal judges can hear the case, and grant an annulment even if the ex-spouse is against the idea of an annulment, or does not want to participate at all in the process. While it is always better for the case to have both parties as active participants, the case can proceed without the ex-spouse’s consent or participation. However, they will be notified by the tribunal that the case is proceeding, and will be given every opportunity to respond and participate.

On occasion, a respondent cannot be found. The case can still proceed, and the respondent in that case is declared legally absent from the case. However, you will likely be required to make a good faith effort to provide a current address for your former spouse, or at the very least show what efforts you made in trying to locate him or her.

On occasion there are situations in which a petitioner has a legal reason, such as a civil restraining order, to not want the other party to know of their whereabouts or to give them any information about themselves. In these circumstances, Canon Law Professionals can work with the tribunal to explore legal methods of protecting our client’s safety while fulfilling the requirements of the law.



Canon Law Professionals: Common Questions about Annulments


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't understand the Catholic church's reasoning for annulling a marriage, prior to a remarriage. It's ridiculous. I'm Catholic - lapsed, but Catholic.

Just because a piece of paper and someone who's never been married (a priest etc.) grants it doesn't "nullify" anything. The marriage still happened. The divorce still happened. Nothing can change that.

A ridiculous waste of everyone's time.

Anyhoo, I wouldn't fill it out either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

frusdil said:


> I don't understand the Catholic church's reasoning for annulling a marriage, prior to a remarriage. It's ridiculous. I'm Catholic - lapsed, but Catholic.
> 
> Just because a piece of paper and someone who's never been married (a priest etc.) grants it doesn't "nullify" anything. The marriage still happened. The divorce still happened. Nothing can change that.
> 
> ...


Even civil law provides for annulments. It's for when a marriage is entered into when at least one party had no intention of living up to the marriage contract.

For example a person gets married with no intent to ever, or very seldom have sex. The other spouse was lead to believe that there would be sex in the marriage.

Or a person refuses to have children when the other was lead to believe that they were marrying to form a family and have children.


It's also used for when there is out right fraud. For example when a person is not who they say they are. A child is forced into marriage.

It's a legal procedure that determines that due to misrepresentations or the inability of at least one person to meet the terms of the marriage contract that the marriage is null and void. This is as opposed to divorce that says that the marriage was valid up to the point that the divorce was signed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mother annulled her first marriage based on fraud. I do not know the situation, I was not even born. But wow...those questions!

Rude and creepy to me.

WHY would child molestation even MATTER? That just seems like someone wants to have a laugh or some soap opera knowledge about two people. Rude.

I would talk to him and tell him I don't feel comfortable filling it out, that it was not what I thought it would be. Sorry.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

And yet, my mother had been told that in order to be able to remarry in the Catholic church, she had to get an annulment... her first husband cheated and got his mistress pregnant. As far as mom knew, there was nothing that would otherwise nullify the marriage... no nefarious intent, etc. Yet the annulment was required to invalidate the marriage. I can understand having one for the reasons you mentioned, Ele. But otherwise? A divorce should suffice.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

At the bottom of the trough last year, M2 mentioned divorce. In the same breath she said: of course you will find someone else easily and I won't even be able to remarry in the church. 

I told her I would fill out the annulment forms in a manner that would ensure her one. Of course that would necessitate me egregiously lying about our whole marriage. But - didn't seem fair she was going to be stuck in a marital limbo. 

She said - no way. There's no basis for an annulment, i wouldn't even apply for one. 

Why don't you ask your sister if she wants him to get the annulment. And then ask if she's ok with you being very honest on the forms. 



jld said:


> Oh, boy. My sister's ex-husband asked me to fill out an annulment questionnaire for him a few months ago, and I just got it recently. I read through it, and I can see why my sister did not want any of her siblings to fill it out. It asks very personal questions.
> 
> The answers will all be available to both of them. Hard to be honest when you know their feelings will likely be hurt.
> 
> ...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Wow, that's surely a breach of privacy.
IMO sexual molestation of someone else and disclosing it on a piece of paper is a massive invasion of that person's privacy, and possibly illegal. I would not do it. There may be other questions on there relating to mental health that are also protected by health privacy laws.
no no no no no no no
Just because a church wants something doesn't mean it's legal.
Your ex bil should challenge the church's right to know this information. It's just not right that they should have it.
Of course, they keep their OWN information to themselves when it's convenient for them to do so....but for everyone else it's disclose, disclose, disclose?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are the cannon that cover allowable reasons. They are very broad.

http://www.stmarys-waco.org/documents/Grounds for Marriage Annulment in the Catholic Church.pdf


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Wow, that's surely a breach of privacy.
> IMO sexual molestation of someone else and disclosing it on a piece of paper is a massive invasion of that person's privacy, and possibly illegal. I would not do it. There may be other questions on there relating to mental health that are also protected by health privacy laws.
> no no no no no no no
> Just because a church wants something doesn't mean it's legal.
> ...


No one has to fill out any question. It's 100% voluntary.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> No one has to fill out any question. It's 100% voluntary.


I just went and looked at the instruction sheet, and while it says you can respond, "I don't know," it does not say that you can skip a question. But it does not say you have to answer all of them, either. Kind of sneaky, don't you think? 

I wish it would have said right on there that you could just skip a question if you thought it too personal.

Sheesh, if I had known that, I would not have even started the thread. Thanks, Ele!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> And yet, my mother had been told that in order to be able to remarry in the Catholic church, she had to get an annulment... her first husband cheated and got his mistress pregnant. As far as mom knew, there was nothing that would otherwise nullify the marriage... no nefarious intent, etc.


Adultery can be evidence that her first husband did not enter into the marriage with the proper commitment required for a valid marriage to come into existence. If such is the case, an annulment may be possible.


Maricha75 said:


> Yet the annulment was required to invalidate the marriage. I can understand having one for the reasons you mentioned, Ele. But otherwise? A divorce should suffice.


Church law is not American civil law, or states law.

Civil law is based on what a bunch of legislators vote on.

Church law is based on what the Church believes the Bible and teachings say the law is. This has to do with the freedom of religion.

I'm far from an expert in Cannon law so I can only give the bit of info I've given.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> I just went and looked at the instruction sheet, and while it says you can respond, "I don't know," it does not say that you can skip a question. But it does not say you have to answer all of them, either. Kind of sneaky, don't you think?
> 
> I wish it would have said right on there that you could just skip a question if you thought it too personal.
> 
> Sheesh, if I had known that, I would not have even started the thread. Thanks, Ele!


Saying that you can write "I don't know" is the same as saying that you don't have to answer. This is not about your marriage. You are not privy to everything that went on in their marriage. It's completely valid for you to answer "I don't know" to most if not all of the questions.

I can also answer "I am not comfortable answering this because it's way too private and it's not my place to talk about someone else's life."

What do you think they will do if you don't answer every question? They are not going to come down on you. Just answer however you are comfortable.

Whether he gets an annulment or not is not really your issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> I just went and looked at the instruction sheet, and while it says you can respond, "I don't know," it does not say that you can skip a question. But it does not say you have to answer all of them, either. Kind of sneaky, don't you think?
> 
> I wish it would have said right on there that you could just skip a question if you thought it too personal.
> 
> Sheesh, if I had known that, I would not have even started the thread. Thanks, Ele!


If you had known what, you would not have started this thread? I don't see anything wrong here. It's an interesting topic. :scratchhead:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What do you think they will do if you don't answer every question? They are not going to come down on you. Just answer however you are comfortable.
> 
> Whether he gets an annulment or not is not really your issue.


Lol, you're right. I tend to think in terms of absolute honesty, I guess. Silly me.

And yes, the panel of priests is not going to curse me or anything.

I really did want to help ex-BIL. His faith is very important to him. Their youngest child is in his sixth year of seminary. I know he is very proud of his son. 

I wanted him to be able to, after 15 years, go on with his life and be able to marry again, in a way that he could feel good about. My sister remarried 14 years ago, and she's happy. I guess I wanted that for him, too.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you had known what, you would not have started this thread? I don't see anything wrong here. It's an interesting topic. :scratchhead:


Thanks, Ele. I am kind of embarrassed about it. But I guess it is the human condition. No one is from a perfect family.

I am embarrassed, and angry, about what my brothers did to my sisters, and how my dad justified it, and even blamed one of my sisters. And how my mom probably said nothing, and pretended she had no responsibility.

A few years ago, my sister told me that 40 years on, she still cannot be alone in a room with our brother, as she is still too scared. That makes me so angry! And he will still neither admit to it, nor apologize! I hate that!

My heart breaks for my sisters and how they were treated, and how they went on to marry young, and to men who were not good to them.

And yet my ex-BIL, when he contacted me, said he sees now he could have helped my sister. I think he has grown a lot in the last 15 years, if he is saying that. Maybe he realizes how selfish he was. 

There certainly is more pressure on men these days to be more helpful, more understanding. I hope he will be a good husband to his next wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> Lol, you're right. I tend to think in terms of absolute honesty, I guess. Silly me.
> 
> And yes, the panel of priests is not going to curse me or anything.
> 
> ...


I of course know nothing of their history, but it's too bad that she cannot give him this.

Maybe her lack of cooperation could help him. I just don't know.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I would cover the legal angle as well by running a few scenarios by your friendly lawyer. What would happen if you fill in the form, bad things happen, etc? Could you be held liable legally?

I would add this to the list of things to worry about...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

john117 said:


> I would cover the legal angle as well by running a few scenarios by your friendly lawyer. What would happen if you fill in the form, bad things happen, etc? Could you be held liable legally?
> 
> I would add this to the list of things to worry about...


What bad things could happen?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> Thanks, Ele. I am kind of embarrassed about it. But I guess it is the human condition. No one is from a perfect family.
> 
> I am embarrassed, and angry, about what my brothers did to my sisters, and how my dad justified it, and even blamed one of my sisters. And how my mom probably said nothing, and pretended she had no responsibility.
> 
> ...


How old were your brothers and your sisters when all this happened?

things like CSA is very hard for a spouse to deal with... especially when the couple is young. That's why it's such a bad thing, it infects a person's entire life and all their relationships until and if they can every deal with it.

I feel for both your sister and your ex-BIL.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> No one has to fill out any question. It's 100% voluntary.


BUT to give info on a third party (even if related) that's supposed to be private is last time I checked ILLEGAL.

You cannot be voluntary about obeying privacy laws.

Just because the CHURCH has a CANNON does not mean that it is exempt from federal laws. Except in Vatican City perhaps.

Jonestown had some kind of cannon about Kool-Aid too. hahahahahaha.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> What bad things could happen?



Slander, libel, defamation of character... Also depending on who gets the paperwork at the end and if there's statutes of limitation on CSA etc.


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