# Realistically, How Often Do Low and Now Drive Spouses Significantly Improve?



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Can we hear from people who actually are, or have been, involved long term with LD/ND spouses?

Did you ever seen significant, and lasting, increase in your LD/ND partner? 

If so, how did you manage that?

I am just really beginning to wonder, after spending enough time here, if it's even worthwhile for an HD spouse to work toward lasting change.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

In my marriage, no.

She pulled the bait and switch on me, big time. Granted, I was the idiot that marriaed her after the bait and switch had already been pulled. We went from everyday pretty much for the first six months to once every week or so by the time marriage came around.

After marriage, it was eventually down to once every three to six weeks at times.

I tried a lot of things, nothing worked.

In my current relationship, while it isn't as frequent as I want it to be, I have seen improvement. At first it went pretty much the same way, frequent sex at first, then down to once every three weeks.

Then it changed after we had a talk about the issue and eventually returned to about three times a week and has now settled at around once or twice a week.

While I'm not overly happy about the amount of sex now, I will say that it did improve from what it was a few years ago.

The difference between my ex-wife and my current relationship I think boils down to one thing. An open mind.

My ex didn't have one, and belittled me for even wanting sex. There was no room to explain how it makes me feel, how I was perfectly fine to want sex, how it is the glue of a marriage. All of that was crazy talk from a pervert in her books.

While my now fiancee has a ways to go in opening up (largely due to a sexual past of being used in my opinion, especially by her ex-husband who did and demanded some pretty rotten stuff), she has been approaching sex with an open mind and dialogue the last few years. She can understand that it is important to me (the concept of it being a NEED is still foriegn, but I am working on that) and that it helps me the same way getting flowers, footrubs or hugs helps her. Her open mind fueled an open dialogue, which in turn has fueled some change. It's not as much change as I'd like it to be, but it has been positive change.

Hopefully that change will continue, for both of us, in the future and save our relationship from falling off.


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## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Can we hear from people who actually are, or have been, involved long term with LD/ND spouses?
> 
> Did you ever seen significant, and lasting, increase in your LD/ND partner?
> 
> ...


I changed. However, I'm pretty sure I've always been medium drive and hormonal birth control/ pregnancy hormones/ working 3 jobs interfered and made me low drive for about 3-4 years. Those issues ran in quick succession for awhile. Once I stopped working 3 jobs (down to one after paying for the wedding) and getting off hormonal b/c, I became pregnant within the month. I felt no desire for the entire pregnancy nor did I feel any for the year I nursed him. After that my libido came back to a certain extent. I probably desired it 1 time a week and more during ovulation. The biggest change, however, was that my husband was able to turn me on more easily than he could during my low drive phase. Though I didn't experience much spontaneous desire, I could finally enjoy some responsive desire.Then I got pregnant again...Same thing EXCEPT my libido did revive even while I was nursing which was vastly different from the first time. Right now, I have weaned baby 2 and I'm currently experiencing a huge increase in spontaneous desire. It's made my husband very happy. I tell him it's due to the fact that women are crazy in their 30s (I'm 31) In any event, my husband is not a high drive spouse. He's happy with 2-3 times a week. That's where we've been except for some crazy weeks that I've needed more. 

Honestly, even though I was truly low drive and my responsive drive was almost non-existant, I think I could have handled things differently if I truly understood how important it was to him. He didn't express himself well nor often and I underestimated it's importance. I didn't even find this website until AFTER the sex issue had been resolved on it's own. I still read here though because it gives me fun ideas and reminds me not to ever let things slide again. 

So do I think low drive spouses can change? Yes, if it's due to issues like hormones. Before I ever went on hormonal b/c, I was really interested in sex. The slide was so gradual that I never even made the connection. I also think they can change if they are truly empathetic people who are still attracted to their spouses. Otherwise, if it's true lack of desire then I'm not sure there is much to be done unless they can fake it so well that the other partner can be satisfied on a semi-regular basis.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jaquen, 
When lust is absent, the bright unforgiving light of truth illuminates the core of the marriage. If the light shines on:
Sincere recognition of, empathy for and kindness to one another's differences, than there is compromise on frequency and pacing and style. 

And there is a raw honesty, in the ancient language that needs no words. And there are no questions asked


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Bargain to get Bj, HJ, etc when she says here usual no. Take it when you can and enjoy the porn for survival. Either that or say goodbye. Once kids are in the mix, the latter is most likely not going to happen and they know that.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Im with Happy Lovign Wife..I have never been "low drive" I have been AVEARAGE drive (by nature) some thigns interfered I think and cuased me to be low drive for periods of time(includign hormonal BC which I think shoudl be marked with a skull and cross bones stating WARNING IRONICALLY you reduce yoru chance of pregancy takign these and one reason is you will LOSE YOUR SEX DRIVE and sex will be REPULSIVE to you !)...but beign with a HIGH drive person who thinks you are abnormal because you have a LOWER(with an ER) drive who pressures you to have MORE sex doesnt help..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Can we hear from people who actually are, or have been, involved long term with LD/ND spouses?
> 
> Did you ever seen significant, and lasting, increase in your LD/ND partner?
> 
> ...


You are asking this question from a male point of view, which is ok, but my answer does not apply to a case where a Man is not sexual. You are looking at it as if there is some defect in your wife called Low Sex Drive, that you can work on "fixing". You look at things like a man and think her sex drive is either "there" or it is "not there". You think this becuase this is how it works in YOU. But this is not how it works in HER. This you must understand.

I will say that you can greatly improve your marriage and your sex life by gaining understanding about your wife and women in general. 

Working on the marriage means you understand how she ticks regarding sexuality and she understands how you tick regarding sexuality... By gaining a mutual understanding there is a very good chance that she will "give" more and you will be more understanding about what it is she is capable of giving. Thus you will both be happier and more fulfilled in life and in sex.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Hicks said:


> You are asking this question from a male point of view


I asked the question from a gender neutral perspective, which is why there are no gender qualifiers in the OP.



Hicks said:


> You are looking at it as if there is some defect in your wife called Low Sex Drive, that you can work on "fixing". You look at things like a man and think her sex drive is either "there" or it is "not there". You think this becuase this is how it works in YOU. But this is not how it works in HER. This you must understand.
> 
> I will say that you can greatly improve your marriage and your sex life by gaining understanding about your wife and women in general.
> 
> Working on the marriage means you understand how she ticks regarding sexuality and she understands how you tick regarding sexuality... By gaining a mutual understanding there is a very good chance that she will "give" more and you will be more understanding about what it is she is capable of giving. Thus you will both be happier and more fulfilled in life and in sex.


My wife isn't LD, and I can have sex nearly anytime I like. This thread isn't about my marriage, and it's not a call for advice regarding my wife's drive. That is nowhere in the OP.

This thread isn't "how to understand your wife better so you can coax her into giving you more sex".

This thread is asking people, men and women, if they've ever seen any lasting, significant changes in their LD/ND spouse. Your response doesn't even fit into the point of this thread.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> She recently came up with a list of reasons... she's old (we're in our 50's), tired (she doesn't work outside the house), worried about the kids (but not worried enough about the marriage to change), and doesn't like being pressured to have sex. *Last week she told me to find someone else to f*** (sure she didn't mean it, but what does that do to a guy when his wife says that?)*


My ex-wife used to do that (used different language, but the same message). She would any time that I wanted to talk about our sex life. We'd get into about a 30 second conversation and after that she'd tell me to 'go find someone else then.'

So you have three choices: 

A) Stick it out and suffer.
B) Find someone else and break your marriage vows in the process and risk losing your kids, family and friends
C) Get divorced, often risking losing your kids and frineds in the process as well.

All because she won't put in the same effort you are (note, I'm not saying she won't 'put out' more, just won't talk to you and try and understand it from both sides).

Any time there is a problem in a relationship and one side leaves it up to the other side (often the suffering side) to figure out, it's a big red flag. Sorry you have had to deal with this for so long. I'm glad I don't have that issue, as at least the communication is open in my relationship.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Both my wife and I went through years of LD because of medical problems and stress. Both are getting better now and enjoyment has returned.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

*Did you ever seen significant, and lasting, increase in your LD/ND partner?*

I don't know about significant or lasting, but I have upped our quantity a good bit. Quality...not so much, b/c fear only goes so far. I say fear b/c my LD wife is now a lot more willing to meet my needs since I cranked up my s*x rank. She sees that I've made myself more attractive to other women, so I guess this is how she marks her territory.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

My ex partner before my estranged husband had no drive, once a month and i did try very hard, always instigated, tried to get him interested in other things, but he was never up for it and yes i wore lingerie, very boring and i felt so undesired, so left him.

Now my estranged was worse he had ed and blamed it on me and he never instigated i always did he was a selfish lover even took a test which proved to him he was, as it was partner focus and he only got 23%, which is well below average, he preferred jackin off. N's don't really like intimacy.

I do believe LD person will never change, just i as HD has not.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

My wife gave me a very similar reasons as chistaylor ( were old only in our late forties), kids, too much work (she workds 1 1/2 jobs), resentment for me (I only make about 50, 000 per year) etc. She has now decided she is not going to have sex with me anymore (we only were having it about once every 6 weeks) until I make at least 100,000. She is tired of carrying all the weight to support the five of us (3 kids) (she makes about the same amount as me). Unless I cheat, my options are limited if I want to see my kids every day. 
When we first started dating we did it multiple times per day, with lots of oral, foreplay, etc. then it slowing started dwindling till now where she has stated she is not interested anymore unless I make more money, but she doesn't care if I get it elsewhere (I think if I did and she found out, she would care). Not sure what to do at this point as I can handle a low sex marriage (sucks, but I can at least deal with it) but I can't handle a sexless marriage, but I don't want to be a part time dad either. I guess there are no easy answers.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

russ101 said:


> My wife gave me a very similar reasons as chistaylor ( were old only in our late forties), kids, too much work (she workds 1 1/2 jobs), resentment for me (I only make about 50, 000 per year) etc. She has now decided she is not going to have sex with me anymore (we only were having it about once every 6 weeks) until I make at least 100,000. She is tired of carrying all the weight to support the five of us (3 kids) (she makes about the same amount as me). Unless I cheat, my options are limited if I want to see my kids every day.
> When we first started dating we did it multiple times per day, with lots of oral, foreplay, etc. then it slowing started dwindling till now where she has stated she is not interested anymore unless I make more money, but she doesn't care if I get it elsewhere (I think if I did and she found out, she would care). Not sure what to do at this point as I can handle a low sex marriage (sucks, but I can at least deal with it) but I can't handle a sexless marriage, but I don't want to be a part time dad either. I guess there are no easy answers.


That... is... bull****. Period.

If she wants to feel like she is carrying all the weight, let her. Set up your own bank account for your paycheque and give her 50% of the money towards bills and groceries. She can pay the other half.

Then spend your money on what you want and she can do what she wants. Leave all the 'extra' costs to her, which would be anything you don't want to purchase for the house/family anyways (a paper subscription to use an example).

When she *****es, because she will, tell her you didn't think it'd be a problem since she carries all the weight anyways. Use your 'currency' in the marriage. She's staying because she's getting something, so remove it from her. Make her pay to get it back.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You knew I couldn't resist this thread jaquen 

Me - Asexual (LD for purposes of this thread) married to a VERY HD for 22 yrs. - DID NOT WORK well for both of us.

Now married 2 yrs. to a VERY LD man - both happy with our sex life.

I also read asexual forums that consist of sexual people also, LD, HD - the full spectrum, all struggling, endless compromise & frustration.

IMHO - LD/HD is not a good mix for a marriage/LTR.

Partners have to have SOME things in common & sex is a HUGE one.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Kingsfan, I agree with what you are saying, and I don't want to highjack this thread, but when she is saying she is carrying all the weight what she means is that I am the man and should be able to make 100,000 on my own (her 50,000 and my 50,000) and she should only have to be a SAHM. (and hire a service to do house work because she doesn't like to do it). So she basically just wants to make meals for us, take the kids to school, do homework with them, and spend the rest of the time volunteering for the church, but she also wants to live in a large house, take nice vacations yearly (out of country type), have nice cars, and basically, not worry about money. I don't see this as very equal, and in the type of business I am in, making 100,000 per year is really out of the question, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I really am considering looking for it elsewhere, but then again, if I'm going to do that, whats the point of staying married? As of right now, we are both staying in the marriage so we can both be full time parents and raise and see our kids full time, but it really isn't much of a marriage at all. She has always felt like this, but it has only come to head recently when she went through menopause, and her drive when out the window, so she went from wanting it occasionally (once every month and a half) to not wanting it at all. Theres much more to this story but that would really be for my own thread. Thanks for the advice though!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

russ101 said:


> My wife gave me a very similar reasons as chistaylor ( were old only in our late forties), kids, too much work (she workds 1 1/2 jobs), resentment for me (I only make about 50, 000 per year) etc. She has now decided she is not going to have sex with me anymore (we only were having it about once every 6 weeks) until I make at least 100,000. She is tired of carrying all the weight to support the five of us (3 kids) (she makes about the same amount as me). Unless I cheat, my options are limited if I want to see my kids every day.
> When we first started dating we did it multiple times per day, with lots of oral, foreplay, etc. then it slowing started dwindling till now where she has stated she is not interested anymore unless I make more money, but she doesn't care if I get it elsewhere (I think if I did and she found out, she would care). Not sure what to do at this point as I can handle a low sex marriage (sucks, but I can at least deal with it) but I can't handle a sexless marriage, but I don't want to be a part time dad either. I guess there are no easy answers.


You can pay for a lot of prostitutes with 100K...

On a more serious note. Don't go looking outside the marriage. Been there, done that, now separated and in a MUCH healthier marriage. Sexually, emotionally, in all ways.

C


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

russ101 said:


> My wife gave me a very similar reasons as chistaylor ( were old only in our late forties), kids, too much work (she workds 1 1/2 jobs), resentment for me (I only make about 50, 000 per year) etc. She has now decided she is not going to have sex with me anymore (we only were having it about once every 6 weeks) until I make at least 100,000. She is tired of carrying all the weight to support the five of us (3 kids) (she makes about the same amount as me). Unless I cheat, my options are limited if I want to see my kids every day.
> When we first started dating we did it multiple times per day, with lots of oral, foreplay, etc. then it slowing started dwindling till now where she has stated she is not interested anymore unless I make more money, but she doesn't care if I get it elsewhere (I think if I did and she found out, she would care). Not sure what to do at this point as I can handle a low sex marriage (sucks, but I can at least deal with it) but I can't handle a sexless marriage, but I don't want to be a part time dad either. I guess there are no easy answers.


No sex until you make $100K? I have never heard of such nonsense. I am so sorry about this.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I just managed to up the amount of sex from my LD wife and am hopeful I can turn her into a HD. I'll tell you what I believe. The hardest thing is turning the corner. If you're can get her to just commit to having sex on a regular basis then it's up to you to up the quality. Better sex for her will mean more sex for you. When she's completely shut down and turned off, it's pretty damn hard to break her loose, open her up and inspire any real passion. But I think once she gives you an opportunity, it's up to you to make her want it.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

russ101 said:


> Kingsfan, I agree with what you are saying, and I don't want to highjack this thread, but when she is saying she is carrying all the weight what she means is that I am the man and should be able to make 100,000 on my own (her 50,000 and my 50,000) and she should only have to be a SAHM. (and hire a service to do house work because she doesn't like to do it). So she basically just wants to make meals for us, take the kids to school, do homework with them, and spend the rest of the time volunteering for the church, but she also wants to live in a large house, take nice vacations yearly (out of country type), have nice cars, and basically, not worry about money. I don't see this as very equal, and in the type of business I am in, making 100,000 per year is really out of the question, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
> 
> I really am considering looking for it elsewhere, but then again, if I'm going to do that, whats the point of staying married? As of right now, we are both staying in the marriage so we can both be full time parents and raise and see our kids full time, but it really isn't much of a marriage at all. She has always felt like this, but it has only come to head recently when she went through menopause, and her drive when out the window, so she went from wanting it occasionally (once every month and a half) to not wanting it at all. Theres much more to this story but that would really be for my own thread. Thanks for the advice though!


I think her demand that you make $100,000 before there is sex is just her way of getting out of sex period. Set a goal so high that you can't reach it, then say it's your fault for not reaching the impossible. Easy way to pass the blame to you.

I assume by her being in menopause that the kids are starting to get older, how much longer before they leave home? Are you planning on leaving after that?

I stand by my previous statement from earlier in the thread, start using your currency in the marriage. For her to demand she be able to stay home, cook meals, volunteer and do some things with the kids while you earn enough money to give her all her special dreams, like out of country holidays, is self-centred IMO.

My ex-wife is a teacher. I quit going to university so I could get a job when she became pregnant with our first (I quit because she was further along in her studies than me and was only six months away from graduation). We then, as a family, followed her around to remote communities for four years while she built up her career. As a result I was unable to work much, as we had a young son (and a second three years later), no access to daycare and even if we had daycare, there were no real jobs worth paying for daycare.

After those four years, we finally moved to a community (our home community actually) where I could get a job. After two years at my job, my wife suddenly decides to tell me she is cutting her hours down to part-time. No discussion, that's what's going on.

After a year of this, she tells me she's quiting teaching to stay at home and watch kids. Once again, no discussion. When I object, I'm told (not directly, but in a nutshell) that she doesn't really care what I think, she's staying home and will work from home doing a daycare. Her daycare ended up consisting of one child, earning her $20 a day. Basically, she cut her salary from about $65,000 a year to around $4,500 a year, and if I didn't like it, to bad.

What's my point? My point is that when this happened, it became a huge issue and was one of the main reasons why I left. I sacrificed my goals and hopes so she could finish her schooling, only to see her six years later, four of which was spent dragging us to remote communities, including one which was fly-in only, give it all up so I could work while she sat at home. She wanted almost exactly what your wife wanted, cook meals, do some things with the kids and relax while me (the man) did the work outside the house. I, and I suspect you as well, was also expected to do the grunt work at home too afterwards (mow lawns, clean gutters, do basic repairs, etc.). 

I became a footstool essentially. And it isn't fair. We live in an age of feminism and 'women's lib,' which is fine, but there needs to be an understanding that if that's what women want, then that 'liberation' comes with expectations as well. Going to work while still finding time and ways to uphold your other obligations is a big one. We aren't allowed to stay at home with the kids while she goes to work (in most cases, some families are the exception) so why should she? What gives her the right?

I really hope you put her in her place russ101. No one deserves to be cut off like that, or be told what to do and get blamed for 'failing' when they do just as much as the other spouse. Your wife sounds like she thinks she's 'all that' and is looking for the gravy boat without having to pay the boarding fees. 

I'd send her packing as soon as you can. Hopefully for you you don't have to wait to long.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Together over 25 years. In one word: NO. My wife told me recently that things will never change.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

russ101 said:


> Kingsfan, I agree with what you are saying, and I don't want to highjack this thread, but when she is saying she is carrying all the weight what she means is that I am the man and should be able to make 100,000 on my own (her 50,000 and my 50,000) and she should only have to be a SAHM. (and hire a service to do house work because she doesn't like to do it). So she basically just wants to make meals for us, take the kids to school, do homework with them, and spend the rest of the time volunteering for the church, but she also wants to live in a large house, take nice vacations yearly (out of country type), have nice cars, and basically, not worry about money. I don't see this as very equal, and in the type of business I am in, making 100,000 per year is really out of the question, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
> 
> I really am considering looking for it elsewhere, but then again, if I'm going to do that, whats the point of staying married? As of right now, we are both staying in the marriage so we can both be full time parents and raise and see our kids full time, but it really isn't much of a marriage at all. She has always felt like this, but it has only come to head recently when she went through menopause, and her drive when out the window, so she went from wanting it occasionally (once every month and a half) to not wanting it at all. Theres much more to this story but that would really be for my own thread. Thanks for the advice though!


Nevermind divorce, I'm shocked you haven't spent that 50k she swears you don't use for the family to hire a hitman.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Bargain to get Bj, HJ, etc when she says here usual no. Take it when you can and enjoy the porn for survival. Either that or say goodbye. Once kids are in the mix, the latter is most likely not going to happen and they know that.


Thats a crappy way to look at it that is unfortunately true.

Many woman just don't understand the man's needs.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

russ101 said:


> Kingsfan, I agree with what you are saying, and I don't want to highjack this thread, but when she is saying she is carrying all the weight what she means is that I am the man and should be able to make 100,000 on my own (her 50,000 and my 50,000) and she should only have to be a SAHM. (and hire a service to do house work because she doesn't like to do it). So she basically just wants to make meals for us, take the kids to school, do homework with them, and spend the rest of the time volunteering for the church, but she also wants to live in a large house, take nice vacations yearly (out of country type), have nice cars, and basically, not worry about money. I don't see this as very equal, and in the type of business I am in, making 100,000 per year is really out of the question, so I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.
> 
> I really am considering looking for it elsewhere, but then again, if I'm going to do that, whats the point of staying married? As of right now, we are both staying in the marriage so we can both be full time parents and raise and see our kids full time, but it really isn't much of a marriage at all. She has always felt like this, but it has only come to head recently when she went through menopause, and her drive when out the window, so she went from wanting it occasionally (once every month and a half) to not wanting it at all. Theres much more to this story but that would really be for my own thread. Thanks for the advice though!


I would not suggest any marriage go through a D, especially with children. Ive been there and it hurts deep.

BUT it seems that your wife needs a serious wake up call. She may need to come home to find your bag packed and you away for a while so you have time to contemplate the entire relationship. Its either that or some serious MC. Anybody that threatens sexual deprivation because of finances does not want to work together to create a two way relationship. Its almost absurd and I am sorry you are going through this.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Thanks to all who have expressed support to me, I am really sitting around right now and seeing if she is really serious or not about the sex (it has been about two months already, but that is not that unusual for her in recent years). I have already started doing far less for her than I have in the past, but it really hasn't changed much. My youngest is 11, so I still have a few years left raising them. I really don't want to highjack this thread, so I guess I'll wait a little while and start my own thread to ask advice and explain the situation a little more throughly. By the way, both of my brothers know about the problem (one married, one not) and they both say I should just kick her to the curb, but they don't have children, and they don't realize that it is more complicated than that.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

russ101 said:


> Thanks to all who have expressed support to me, I am really sitting around right now and seeing if she is really serious or not about the sex (it has been about two months already, but that is not that unusual for her in recent years). I have already started doing far less for her than I have in the past, but it really hasn't changed much. My youngest is 11, so I still have a few years left raising them. I really don't want to highjack this thread, so I guess I'll wait a little while and start my own thread to ask advice and explain the situation a little more throughly. By the way, both of my brothers know about the problem (one married, one not) and they both say I should just kick her to the curb, but they don't have children, and they don't realize that it is more complicated than that.


What are your thoughts of having the children live with one parent? 

If your youngest is 11, I assume your older ones are 13-17, and when they get to those ages, they can have a much larger say in where they want to live full-time (with which parent that is).

Do you think your children would want to live with you full-time? If so, would you consider leaving, taking the kids, and granting her visitation, or are you committed to sticking this out to give your kids the ability to grow up with both parents in the same house?


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

My wife and I decided a long time ago, if we ever got divorced, we would split the children's time equally between us (one would have them 3 days one week and 4 days the next). Sex is a huge need for me, and it is really killing me not to have it, but raising my children full time is a bigger need. This is why we haven't divorced already. My wife has told me before that we would have divorced long ago if it were not for our kids (i am planning that she will probably leave me in about 7 years, and yes I am financially planning for this as well, in case she actually does).


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

To answer the OP. 

It's certainly improved for the LD spouse in this relationship.:rofl:
No more sex than she wants. 

It's okay thought as the sh*t is about to hit the fan with the MAP.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I would LOVE it if my husband divorced me because he wanted "more sex" than what I had with him or wanted..LOL>>I woudl just have sex that EXACT same amount of time with other men..

Then instead of beign a frigid unloving selfish ***** ..I would be a ***** and a ****..Porboably even a NYMPHO..LOL..so from "frigid to NYMPHO (because sex once a week was with someone else but him)..Hmmm...

Cracks me up..


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I would LOVE it if my husband divorced me because he wanted "more sex" than what I had with him or wanted..LOL>>I woudl just have sex that EXACT same amount of time with other men..
> 
> Then instead of beign a frigid unloving selfish ***** ..I would be a ***** and a ****..Porboably even a NYMPHO..LOL..so from "frigid to NYMPHO (because sex once a week was with someone else but him)..Hmmm...
> 
> Cracks me up..


I think this is what my wife thinks too.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I think this is what my wife thinks too.


Is she wrong???


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Is she wrong???


Can you be wrong about how you feel? Are you?


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## HDsocal (Nov 19, 2010)

after 20 years, didn't change for me.... once or twice a month at best, usually poor quality. Any attempts to change things just added duty / pity sex. I didn't bother to try to keep that up...


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## CaptVere (Aug 27, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Can we hear from people who actually are, or have been, involved long term with LD/ND spouses?
> 
> Did you ever seen significant, and lasting, increase in your LD/ND partner?
> 
> ...


I've worked on my sexless marriage for about 8 months now and no progress has been made. I've obsessed over this stuff and tried everything in the book that I can apply to my marriage. I've read probably thousands of stories from people like me. I would say that it's quite difficult for these mismatched libidos to be resolved. There are specific cases where the situation can get better:

1) Medication. This is the most obvious and everybody should start there. If your wife is on birth control or anti-depressant medication, then that's probably the issue, or at least a good place to start. A lot of sexless marriages involving a LD guy are because of SSRIs I've found, but not always.

2) Childish partners. Sometimes the HD partner has a hissy fit every time there is no sex, even if they are getting sex regularly. The LD partner then feels like a piece of meat and starts refusing as a defense. Things spiral and then very little sex as had as it becomes a major control issue. I think these situations can be repaired with some communication and certain techniques. These aren't the common cases I see though.

3) Complacency. Sometimes, especially the husband, gets complacent with his wife. He takes things for granted and becomes one of those pleasing husbands who is afraid of his wife. She doesn't respect him and is no longer attracted to him. He wonders where all the monkey sex went, but then never looks in the mirror and sees that he's let himself go both physically and mentally. He can turn things around and thus turn things around in the bedroom.

So that's basically it. I have read about those 3 cases being turned around. Generally though, most cases aren't so lucky. A lot of the time either the LD partner was never actually into their partner (and thus pulled a bait-and-switch) or has just lost their drive and has no intention of working to get it back. You can talk to them until you are blue in the face and all you will get is deflection and anger. You won't get lust. Cheat, leave, or stay and find a way to be happy without. Those are generally your options.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I would LOVE it if my husband divorced me because he wanted "more sex" than what I had with him or wanted..LOL>>I woudl just have sex that EXACT same amount of time with other men..
> 
> Then instead of beign a frigid unloving selfish ***** ..I would be a ***** and a ****..Porboably even a NYMPHO..LOL..so from "frigid to NYMPHO (because sex once a week was with someone else but him)..Hmmm...
> 
> Cracks me up..


Why the hell are people with this attitude married at all?


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