# She said she wants to leave again. I'm ready to let her.



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

I first want to apologize for the length of this, I don't have many people to talk to, so this is kind of a rant. Me and my "wife" (we are not legally married, been together 6yrs and have gotten into habit) have been drifting apart for a while now. She has threatened to leave me multiple times, it seems everyone other month. Every time, we argue, cool down, talk it through and end up making promises to change. I on my part feel that I make a real effort to do so. I feel that she does not. I will admit that I can sometimes be an ass, however I don't feel like I have ever done anything so awful to merit her saying she will leave me over. This particular time was because I was frustrated after a long day/week of work came home to a messy house (we have a 2 yr old) which I don't mind all that much, although I can be a bit of a neat freak, and told I needed to watch the baby so she can have a break. Of course, I know she can be taxing. While getting her a bottle, Nome of them were clean, the dishes were overflowing from the sink so I couldn't wash one without doing the dishes. My biggest pet peeve. "Just leave at least half of the sink empty please, you don't work anymore you can't keep up with the dishes (I know it was kind of passive and ****ish the way i said it). She stormed into our room muttering. That was the last I seen her last night.

This afternoon, I called to tell her that unless she was set on it and really wanted to go, I wanted to cancel some plans we had for Tuesday. I have been working a lot and wanted to spend the day at home with her and my daughter. Plus I knew she could use a break. I figured she was still a little upset when she didn't answer. Shortly after she texted me to tell me she wanted to cancel. I agreed, I thought it was important for me to spend some time with our daughter anyway. She again texted me to say that she was going to be gone all day Tuesday to look for a job, so she could save up money to move out and leave me. Another text, and I didn't do anything around the house today and Lylah (our daughter) trashed it. 
Another text. When I leave you can clean it all your self. At this point I didn't respond, I didn't want to say the wrong thing and heat her up more.

When I got home from work, the house was indeed a mess. Not a toddler did all this, it seemed as though she encouraged or helped her to make a huge mess just to piss me off. The first thing she said to me when I walked in the door was "I can't stand your child" "I am leaving you as soon as I can save some money" "you can have her, I don't want her, and you won't get any child support" " you won't ever hear from me again, I am going off the grid". I really don't know what to say, clearly this can't be because of the dishes? Can it? There is obviously some underlaying issues. So I just listen and let her vent. She then wants me to engage, but I cannot talk to her in this state, all it will so is cause me to raise my voice, and then her more so. I told her this. She left the room. Came back slightly cooled off, enough to talk a little bit, stated some more surface issues but again certainly not the root of the problem and ended up leaving to the bedroom for the night.

Now a part of me knows that tomorrow or in a day or two she will cool down, well talk and make up, ish. The problem is that in a month or two we will be right back here again. I don't want her to leave. But I also cannot continue to do this. She is clearly not happy, and I don't know what I can do do to help her get there anymore. To clarify, she has always been a rather pesamistic person, has hard time seeing and appreciating good things in her/our lives. Always very angry, stressed, she seems to create it from nothing because she's comfortable there. I am the opposite, I am very ambitious, optimistic, outgoing and generally happy. I certainly have my stresses, most of them revolving around work, stressing over her general vibe she puts off. While I love her, and the best for her, I cannot keep doing this. It is slowly turning me into a bitter, angry person. And I don't want that. And I'm not going to continue to try and stop her from leaving. I do not plan to try push her out, but if she is not happy, then I just don't know what to do anymore. And coming to this conclusion throughout the night I feel relieved. Is this wrong?

Now to may other issue. We are again, not married. Our daughter born out of wedlock. I am listed as her father on her birth certificate, however I have not filed for paternity In the state. Which I plan to do tomorrow. This will be awkward, becuase as I said she is going to (I think) move on in a few days as if everything is fine, or start saving to move out. Either way she will still be in the house, and I have to serve her with papers. As far as I am concerned right now, we are seperated, but living together. Do I move to the guest bedroom? Do I stay put in my room, In my house? 

Parenting time, and custody is a whole other thing that I cannot even really process right now, all I know is i will not allow her to take my child out of state. Although that may be a non issue because she wants to go off the grid and leave her too.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would move to the guest room, but do not move out of the house.

Has your wife ever had any therapy? 

I think being told I'm leaving every time I turn around, would make me pack their stuff in some trash bags and tell them to go. It has to feel awful to hear that all the time. 

Was she always a bad housekeeper or did this come with having a child and staying home?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't play brinksmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink. 

Are you willing? Truly willing? If so, your problem isn't so hard.

But no matter what happens, your neat freak attitude is a relationship killer. There is some work you need to do on yourself whether you remain with her or find a new partner.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you need to take a step back and look at what is happening from the outside

1. you say this happens every month, is it around the same time? It could be hormonal, I suspect it is
2. She has just had a baby, does not seem to be coping very well either, could be depressed and feel stuck at home
3. How much does she get out of the house, or have interaction with others on a daily basis, being stuck at home, doing housework looking after a demanding toddler is absolutely no picnic, you should try it for 3-4 days, you will probably be dying to get back to the office
4. Did she give up a job for this?
5. I am sorry to say but if you are a bit of a stickler for tidiness and also blunt with your words, this is very damaging to a woman's self esteem
6. Your wife does not feel loved by you, she feels judged and condemned when all she needs is love and support
7. Try changing your tactics, be more loving, understanding, ask her how you can help etc, it will take some work but you can turn this around
8. sounds like she is really trying to get you to notice and love her, not treat her as the mother, the housekeeper, etc. You shouldn't cancel dates out as it may be the only thing she has to look forward to
9. You seem to do what suits you first, rather than put her first, not a good sign, she knows it and is making a bit for her freedom

I suggest you get counselling. Good luck


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is there any particular reason you're not married? I only ask because for most women, unless you've specifically agreed not to marry, a long term relationship with a child that doesn't involved marriage won't work and they'll get more and more po'd that they're good enough to live with and good enough to have kids with but not good enough to marry,

I've seen it a number of times on this site, where a guy in a long term unmarried relationship with kids will claim the lack of marriage isn't an issue, only to find out it really is.

Of course if you're having issues marriage may not be a good idea right now, but knowing what's going on with it could help make more sense of your dynamic.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Pinto3 said:


> I first want to apologize for the length of this, I don't have many people to talk to, so this is kind of a rant. Me and my "wife" (we are not legally married, been together 6yrs and have gotten into habit) have been drifting apart for a while now. She has threatened to leave me multiple times, it seems everyone other month. Every time, we argue, cool down, talk it through and end up making promises to change. I on my part feel that I make a real effort to do so. I feel that she does not. I will admit that I can sometimes be an ass, however I don't feel like I have ever done anything so awful to merit her saying she will leave me over.


That is from your point of view, with guaranteed bias. Her feelings are her feelings and until you empathize with her, you won't understand it.

Threats of breakup are a commonly used tool to get change. My ex used it incessantly, until she was allowed to go. Months later she admitted she just wanted change (this was a long time ago).

The threat of breakup is only powerful if you don't know how to respond to it.




> This particular time was because I was frustrated after a long day/week of work came home to a messy house (we have a 2 yr old) which I don't mind all that much, although I can be a bit of a neat freak, and told I needed to watch the baby so she can have a break. Of course, I know she can be taxing. While getting her a bottle, Nome of them were clean, the dishes were overflowing from the sink so I couldn't wash one without doing the dishes. My biggest pet peeve. "Just leave at least half of the sink empty please, you don't work anymore you can't keep up with the dishes (I know it was kind of passive and ****ish the way i said it). She stormed into our room muttering. That was the last I seen her last night.


That is no way to get positive change from her, though. So not only does she probably feel overwhelmed, she then feels worthless for not winning any bread.



> This afternoon, I called to tell her that unless she was set on it and really wanted to go, I wanted to cancel some plans we had for Tuesday. I have been working a lot and wanted to spend the day at home with her and my daughter. Plus I knew she could use a break. I figured she was still a little upset when she didn't answer. Shortly after she texted me to tell me she wanted to cancel. I agreed, I thought it was important for me to spend some time with our daughter anyway. She again texted me to say that she was going to be gone all day Tuesday to look for a job, so she could save up money to move out and leave me.


She probably took the cancellation of plans personally.




> Another text, and I didn't do anything around the house today and Lylah (our daughter) trashed it.
> Another text. When I leave you can clean it all your self. At this point I didn't respond, I didn't want to say the wrong thing and heat her up more.


There is deep resentment here that hasn't been addressed. When victimized, the inner voice runs rampant.

She feels trapped and conditionally loved.



> When I got home from work, the house was indeed a mess. Not a toddler did all this, it seemed as though she encouraged or helped her to make a huge mess just to piss me off. The first thing she said to me when I walked in the door was "I can't stand your child" "I am leaving you as soon as I can save some money" "you can have her, I don't want her, and you won't get any child support" " you won't ever hear from me again, I am going off the grid". I really don't know what to say, clearly this can't be because of the dishes? Can it? There is obviously some underlaying issues.


Take this seriously by acknowledging the behavior, but don't take it seriously. Understand that if you treat your "wife" as if this is her, you will guarantee failure. This isn't your "wife" talking.


> So I just listen and let her vent. She then wants me to engage, but I cannot talk to her in this state, all it will so is cause me to raise my voice, and then her more so. I told her this. She left the room. Came back slightly cooled off, enough to talk a little bit, stated some more surface issues but again certainly not the root of the problem and ended up leaving to the bedroom for the night.


This was pretty good on your part, as indicated. Just make sure that there is no judgment, so that she is allowed to vent. That way you guys can actually talk when calmed down.




> Now a part of me knows that tomorrow or in a day or two she will cool down, well talk and make up, ish. The problem is that in a month or two we will be right back here again.


You are probably right. It isn't the dishes. It is the interpersonal communication that is causing the breakdown in the relationship.




> I don't want her to leave. But I also cannot continue to do this. She is clearly not happy, and I don't know what I can do do to help her get there anymore.


1. Change your perceptions
2. Accept and empathize with her
3. Better choices will logically follow



> To clarify, she has always been a rather pesamistic person, has hard time seeing and appreciating good things in her/our lives. Always very angry, stressed, she seems to create it from nothing because she's comfortable there.


Someone that is as you described her will also be *very* hard on herself. You might think you are giving mild criticism, but her inner voice is taking it as a grievous wound.



> I am the opposite, I am very ambitious, optimistic, outgoing and generally happy. I certainly have my stresses, most of them revolving around work, stressing over her general vibe she puts off. While I love her, and the best for her, I cannot keep doing this. It is slowly turning me into a bitter, angry person. And I don't want that. And I'm not going to continue to try and stop her from leaving. I do not plan to try push her out, but if she is not happy, then I just don't know what to do anymore. And coming to this conclusion throughout the night I feel relieved. Is this wrong?


This problem is a simple one to fix, but it takes changing your subconscious programming which = effort.

The relief is because of a concept I call "fairness". When one partner becomes upset, they experience a rise in "emotional voltage". When there is a disparity in voltage, you get a potential. Her voltage differs from yours, which allows for conflict, seen necessary by uncomfortable feelings. You get relief when she meets your voltage or you meet hers. Relief isn't because the outcome is healthy, necessarily. 

When I say you can either rise to her level, that means reciprocated negativity.

If she comes to your level, that is by you remaining calm and collected, forcing her to calm down.



> Now to may other issue. We are again, not married. Our daughter born out of wedlock. I am listed as her father on her birth certificate, however I have not filed for paternity In the state. Which I plan to do tomorrow. This will be awkward, becuase as I said she is going to (I think) move on in a few days as if everything is fine, or start saving to move out. Either way she will still be in the house, and I have to serve her with papers. As far as I am concerned right now, we are seperated, but living together. Do I move to the guest bedroom? Do I stay put in my room, In my house?


Don't escalate, otherwise you are indicating to her what your intentions are. If she wants to leave, let her do it, because she is her own person and responsible for her decisions. Do *not * say things like "if you want to leave, then leave." This relationship (like all of them) has potential to be rescued. You can lead the way here.

Don't take her seriously, otherwise it will become reality. Treat her as the person you fell in love with. That is the path to recovery, for what it is worth.


When you are upset, you are a different person. The same goes for her. Don't talk to this other person and take them seriously. Talk to the underlying person. That is how you force positive change.

Good luck.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Well... I can see why you don't want to marry her.  

There's two sides to every story, but to have a toddler, and not work...and can't keep up with basic housework? She sounds like she's taking you for granted. Read some of the threads on here...where some of these situations don't get better after marriage. This is a harbinger of things to come, if you do marry her. You have a child though, so...make sure you're always present, somehow.

Women are not delicate flowers. Sometimes, we need to hear some harsh truths that our behavior sucks in the relationship.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She didn't "just have a baby" folks. The kid is 2!

He's not a "neat freak". I think a relatively clean house and a sink clear enough of dishes to actually use is NOT at all unreasonable when his GF is a SAHM. I, myself, am a SAHM. I raised 3 kids and managed to keep a decent house. I also managed to keep a decent house when I was working 30 hrs a week and raising the same 3 kids, who were then 8,3, and 1. There is no excuse, beyond serious illness, for a SAHM not to at least get some laundry washed, some dishes done, and the house somewhat picked up.

She wants to leave? Encourage her! Tell her she can leave the toddler with you and go freely into the world to start her new life. Get a lawyer, file for custody and support, and move on.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's the problem.

Your relationship partner needs to be reassured that you love her, think she's great, and that she's doing a good job as a mother.

Instead you are telling her the exact opposite.


----------



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

She has just recently gone back to being a stay at home mom. She got a part time job when out daughter was about 6 mo, because she did have postpartum and it was recommended to get out a little bit. She had a 15-20 hour a week job. It was OK for a while, but then kind of the same thing as now. She would leave pretty much right when my daughter woke up, and would be gone 4-5 hours just until I had to leave for work. She found what was supposed to be a low stress job to be overwhelmingly stressful. It was all she talked about, complaining constantly about the other staff members and guests. Same thing then, her 20hr work week was to taxing and she couldn't seem to get any house work done. I did the bulk of it. I managed to find time between the 5 hrs a day I spent with our daughter and my 60-65 hr week to get things done around the house. Dishes, laundry, vaccuming. What there wasn't time for was her. Not because I didn't make time but because she would leave almost right after waking up, when she got home, I had to leave, and when I got home she would be in bed already. She said that I could wake her up so we could spend some time together, when I tried she mumbled and rolled over and kept sleeping. 

She was recently fired because she chose twice in a week to ignore her alarm and not go in. She said she wanted to be home with our kid anyway. Perfect. Our daughter is at an age where she would benefit from that. It was fine, she was doing crafts with her, teaching her new words, she started counting. And the two of us were spending more time together. Then it was like a flip switched. I would come home and she would be laying on the couch, straight ignoring our daughter. She would have gotten into things that we would never allow her to have, be sitting in a dirty diaper, judging from how yet, for a good while. Immediately would tell me she was hungry as if she hadn't been fed all day. I know it can be taxing I have had 2-3 days with her while she gone because she needed a break. But I never completely ignored her needs. Last night when I came home to her telling me she was leaving me was the same. My daughter had an extremely wet diaper, and she had duct taped it on her because she said she kept taking them off. What the ****! Maybe she is taking them off because your not changing them. These are the things that make me feel like, yes just leave then. I know she has depression, and I have been patient and understanding but if she took her self off her meds, and can't talk to me or seek therapy why should I continue. I would help her if she were willing to help herself. Ignoring our daughters needs is simply unexceptable. So yes I do think that she is a bad mother sometimes, I know that is harsh and it's a shame because I've seen her be such a good mother. But our daughters well being can't be dependent on her mood that day.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Protect your child. 

Your "wife" needs to get her crap together and see a professional.


----------



## ella1048 (Apr 11, 2013)

I don't think you answered the question by: lifeistooshort...

why aren't you married?


----------



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

Because she was convinced that if we married that her ex could come after us for child support if we were married. I don't think that he could but she was addament about it. She is 10 years older than me, and has 16 year old daughter who lives with her father out of state.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, so she's got no reason to be upset about not being married. 

A big thing to rule out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Hey Pinto3, um is just me or did she do the same thing to her first husband? Sounds like it, she left her child and husband just like she is threatening to leave you. Might be a good to talk with her ex about what went on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Pinto3 said:


> Because she was convinced that if we married that her ex could come after us for child support if we were married. I don't think that he could but she was addament about it. She is 10 years older than me, and has 16 year old daughter who lives with her father out of state.


Tell me again about the positive things about this woman that you love so much you'd live with her?????

Apparently she already has one daughter that she doesn't take care of. This one should be no different.
You'd be better of taking care of your daughter alone and not financing a life of leisure and unhappiness with the current "SAHM".
This person has to have some very redeeming qualities. I just haven't spotted them yet in your posts.

BTW: going "off the grid"--translation: I have no intentions of actually keeping a real job and supporting myself. I will move on to the next doormat.


----------



## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

She's depressed. Get her to a medico and on some meds. The lack of motivation and energy is classic. She needs to break the cycle before she can address her issues, which yes, include a need to pull up her socks.

Can you afford a housecleaner, btw? If so, that would at least remove that source of stress while your wife gets sorted out.

Or you can divorce and leave her to sort out her own life, but with a 2 year old you share, I would at least try to work on things for her sake. Good luck.


----------



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

I thought about talking to her ex. Me and him actually get along OK. The two of them have joint custody, when we lived in NJ we split time. It was me who wanted to move because I knew I could make a better living here (AZ). They gave her the choice to pick where she wanted to live. She chose there. I have to respect her, great insite for a 16yr old. Me and her are pretty close, as close as you can be living across the country. She told me that she loves her mother but she didn't move to AZ not for her father and not because of her mother. She stayed for herself, because it's what she wanted. Stay in the same school, with the same friends. Her father suggested moving and she said she might come try AZ out for a while. He did not end up moving. Sorry if I got off track.

When we were first together we had a lot of fun together. At the time she was a hard worker and was very ambitious as well. Also liked to keep a clean house, I don't really know when that changed id say maybe a year and a half ago. I can't really put it all on her, when our daughter was born I asked her to not work. At the time especially where we were living, it seemed to be the best idea. Child care is expensive, parents raising kids and not nanny's is important. After we moved, and after 6 months or so of not working she changed. She was diagnosed with Post partum. Put on medication, things got a little better then worse. Then she got a job, again better, then worse. 

I've stuck it out, because I felt it kind of ****ty to leave her because of depression. And I felt guilty. Yes she did agree, but I am the one who suggested we move away from her daughter. Away from her family (which is small) since we've been here, both her parents have been diagnosed with cancer. I've also told myself, I've seen her happy before, she can get back to that. After this change or this hump, once we get through this, things will change and get better. Obviously it hasn't, with each change things get worse.

As of now, because we're not married I haven't had much rights over my daughter. If she decided she wanted to leave with my daughter, where does that leave me. Today took my daughter to my sister's and went to the court. I filed for joint parental decision making (custody). Not 10 minutes after I filed she text me apolozing. Said she has been off her meds, started taking them again today. It wasn't fair of her to say those things. That she loses patience sometimes with our daughter but she would never leave and turn her back on her. I don't regret my decision to file, it doesn't mean that we have to split, just that I am protecting my rights to my daughter. I feel I owe it to my daughter to try and repair things, but for how much longer?


----------



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

I may be able to afford a housekeeper, but I feel like that would enable her to not get her **** together.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This living arrangement is not working for your wife. She may be a woman who needs a job, put your daughter in a good school and hire a maid. Get her the support she needs, but DO NOT tolerate abuse. She may be struggling, but I in no way advocate her POOR behavior. She needs to be in counseling.

In the mean time study abuse.... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html

I also recommend the book Boundaries, Emotional Blackmail and Unsafe People to begin to assess and address these issues.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I feel you are doing everything right, she has to help herself if it is going to work. 

I would not get a maid to clean the house, this is something she needs to do, if she wants to stay home and not work. 

I would sit down with her and have a talk, let her know how you feel and that if she does not get the help she needs and stay on her meds then she can go but not with your daughter. I would definitely let her know that unless she is actually going to leave to not ever say it again, or you will make her pack and leave. 

She is going to continue to emotionally abuse you, until you put your foot down. Depressed or not set some rules and make sure she follows them, keep taking meds, see a therapist, keep the house and daughter clean or get a job and keep the child clean sitting in dirty diapers is not a good thing for a child, and getting into who knows what, it could be something thing that could harm your daughter.

Your daughter needs to come first, as you are aware of that.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Pinto3 said:


> I've stuck it out, because I felt it kind of ****ty to leave her because of depression. And I felt guilty. Yes she did agree, but I am the one who suggested we move away from her daughter. Away from her family (which is small) since we've been here, both her parents have been diagnosed with cancer. I've also told myself, I've seen her happy before, she can get back to that. After this change or this hump, once we get through this, things will change and get better. Obviously it hasn't, with each change things get worse.


You are looking at the wrong types of change. Things can totally get back to bliss. Just think: you and her are the same people, no? 

The relationship degrades because individuals allow themselves to not treat each other with the same unconditional love. In time, individuals rest on commitment, not the other pillars of love.



> As of now, because we're not married I haven't had much rights over my daughter. If she decided she wanted to leave with my daughter, where does that leave me. Today took my daughter to my sister's and went to the court. I filed for joint parental decision making (custody). Not 10 minutes after I filed she text me apolozing. Said she has been off her meds, started taking them again today. It wasn't fair of her to say those things. That she loses patience sometimes with our daughter but she would never leave and turn her back on her. I don't regret my decision to file, it doesn't mean that we have to split, just that I am protecting my rights to my daughter. I feel I owe it to my daughter to try and repair things, but for how much longer?


When trying to reconnect, there is always one that becomes enlightened (that's you). If you approach your relationship in a re-invigorated manner, it can change overnight. The only reason relationships are failing is because they live in the past, not the present. If you both can let go of the past and live in the now, success will be an obvious conclusion.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> You are looking at the wrong types of change. Things can totally get back to bliss. Just think: you and her are the same people, no?
> 
> The relationship degrades because individuals allow themselves to not treat each other with the same unconditional love. In time, individuals rest on commitment, not the other pillars of love.
> 
> ...


Overnight is a stretch, but the fundamentals do apply. 

The hardest part about it is being patient while waiting for your partner to come around. That is where managing resentment becomes crucial.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Overnight is a stretch, but the fundamentals do apply.
> 
> The hardest part about it is being patient while waiting for your partner to come around. That is where managing resentment becomes crucial.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


The process of making positive change looks like:

1. No longer engaging in bad behavior.
2. Learning how to make #1 more and more effortless, while "managing resentment".

Let me elaborate a bit on what an overnight change might look like. Imagine your partner being used to giving a blow with their (verbal) fist. They anticipate resistance, so they throw the blow in a stronger manner, so as to overcome the resistance. But they also anticipate a reciprocated act of (verbal) violence. What happens when the resistance is no longer there and there is no longer a reciprocated act of verbal violence? You, the one receiving the blow are able to deflect it, with ease. In so doing, the other person is just doing the rope-a-dope, expending energy in a useless fashion. It immediately changes the dynamics of interpersonal conflict. There is a lot more that is needed to bring a relationship back to full health, but it starts right there - on the battlefield.


----------



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

I did not want to blind side her with the sheriff signing the paperwork. So we were talking and I told her. At first she was upset, then she said she understood why I did it. Then after some time thinking about she said she feels I don't trust her, and that my next move would be get that and then kick her out. That is not my intention. Was I not supposed to protect my self. I would like to think that she wouldn't do that, but if she is off her meds and unbalanced who knows what she would or wouldn't do. She says that she feels I am trapping her. Again not my intention. As it turns out the marriage thing is an issue. She said she discovered that what I said was true that he could not come after us for child support if we married. So she has been waiting, and getting discouraged and feels hurt that I haven't married her. We never talked about this, as far as I knew she did not want to. But at this point why would I. How can I ask her to marry me when she is threatening to leave me on a consistent basis.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Pinto3 said:


> I did not want to blind side her with the sheriff signing the paperwork. So we were talking and I told her. At first she was upset, then she said she understood why I did it. Then after some time thinking about she said she feels I don't trust her, and that my next move would be get that and then kick her out. That is not my intention. Was I not supposed to protect my self. I would like to think that she wouldn't do that, but if she is off her meds and unbalanced who knows what she would or wouldn't do. She says that she feels I am trapping her. Again not my intention. As it turns out the marriage thing is an issue. She said she discovered that what I said was true that he could not come after us for child support if we married. So she has been waiting, and getting discouraged and feels hurt that I haven't married her. We never talked about this, as far as I knew she did not want to. But at this point why would I. How can I ask her to marry me when she is threatening to leave me on a consistent basis.


You can't.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Pinto3 said:


> I did not want to blind side her with the sheriff signing the paperwork. So we were talking and I told her. At first she was upset, then she said she understood why I did it. Then after some time thinking about she said she feels I don't trust her, and that my next move would be get that and then kick her out. That is not my intention. Was I not supposed to protect my self. I would like to think that she wouldn't do that, but if she is off her meds and unbalanced who knows what she would or wouldn't do. She says that she feels I am trapping her. Again not my intention. As it turns out the marriage thing is an issue. She said she discovered that what I said was true that he could not come after us for child support if we married. So she has been waiting, and getting discouraged and feels hurt that I haven't married her. We never talked about this, as far as I knew she did not want to. But at this point why would I. How can I ask her to marry me when she is threatening to leave me on a consistent basis.


The two things you must NOT do at this point are marry her or get her pregnant. People with bad relationships double down like that hoping to fix things and it literally never works.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Do not marry her! Do not have sex with her!


----------



## Pinto3 (Feb 7, 2016)

I really appreciate all the feedback, like I said I don't have many people to talk to it is nice to be able to vent and here some constructive advice.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I can understand if the house was a mess from a new baby. When I had my daughter I neglected on the housework a bit because I was always nursing and caring for the baby while my husband worked. I even worked from home. So usually my day consisted of nursing at the computer...nursing on the couch..nursing on the bed...I was a walking pacifier. I started "babywearing" and nursing her in a wrap, that way she could be close to me too and I could be hands free to work or even do more housework...but that aside. Yes, a toddler CAN make a huge mess. Trust me. I have a few young kids and I feel like I have to constantly be running behind them picking up after them in order to keep the place tidy. But basic needs, like the dishes or sweeping..laundry even. 

I do not agree with the negative attitude she has towards your child. It is her child too, she gave birth to her, so what the heck? Why the hatred? Document everything you can. Try to record your conversations with her or document what she says about your child just in case for legal reasons. Also, you should file for paternity. That is not wrong. Even if you guys are happy as can be you should still file. She is your daughter and you have rights to her too. 

Maybe you two should try counseling.


----------

