# Beyond Frustrated, ready to give up



## lookingforanswers (Oct 11, 2009)

In Feb of 2009 I got married to a man I dated for and lived with for 3 years. I wish I hadn't. Most of the time I am miserable and he annoys me to no end. I will try to keep this short and not bore everyone with the details.

1. He is from Australia, I'm from the US. Our lives were better in Australia, (free health care, better weather, friendlier people, ect.) but because of his business and my wanting to be closer to my mom (the only person in my family who hasn't died or decied not to speak to us in the last few years) we have moved to the US. I feel bad because I feel that I have stolen him from his huge family, the nice weather, and his friends and that he is, deep down, miserable here (which he denies).

2. He never wants to go out and have fun. He likes to go out to dinner, drink too much, go home, play x-box, and pass out. That's a usual good night for him. I hate to drink, I'm not that big of a food person, and I like to dance (not like obscene stripper stuff or anything, just good, clean, bopping around.) Whenever I do dance (the two of us go out with my mom, she likes to dance too, she's fun to be with and not uptight) and he stands at the sidelines and yells at me to stop and threatens me. He also says he will go sleep in the car or walk home, to upset me and force me to go home, I ignore him and he just continues to stand and drink. 

This would be ok if, when we first met, he would have told me he doesn't dance and always wants to go home at 9 or 10 at night, but he was the life of the party then! He danced, he stayed out after 12, he laughed and had a good time. Now he just wants to eat, he's not interested in anything else. It hurts me when I see other couples happy and dancing together.

3. We constantly argue. It's all we do. I say yes, he says, no. I say black, he says white. He pokes at me and tries to pick fights, anything he knows will get a negative reaction he does. I went to a therapist a while back (free, from my university in Australia's counseling center, we can't afford therapy, otherwise) and she said we have a brother and sister relationship. He treats me like a sister (makes sense, since he has three.) I just can't get that out of my mind and I have no idea how to fix it. I want to be a partner in crime with him, so to speak, on the same side, but we are on constant opposite sides and I feel like I have to fight to be happy.

We both work form home, share a car, and do EVERYTHING together, I'm wondering if we just need daily time apart.

4. Which brings me to number four. Embarrassed to say, but we hardly ever have sex. I can't get into it with a guy who I'm beginning to see as a father or brother type, grosses me out! I also have PCOS, a mild case he likes to pretend I don't have, which gives me a low libido and may result in infertility. I don't ever feel sexual because of an illness I have. I have told him to need to help in that area from him (being more romantic, making me feel like a lady, ect,) I want to be as normal as I can be, but he just yells, or get frustrated, or tells me, "fine, whatever, it wouldn't kill you to put in some effort," making me feel horrible, guilty, and embarrassed.

Some other details: 

I have told him about the dancing thing. He says that at our age, 29, we are too old to dance (tell that to my mom and her friends who love it!) and we should have a few ****tails and go home.



I have told him about the brother sister thing. He denies it up and down saying the therapist didn't know him and can't make claims about him.

He is not a bad person or mean, but some of this stuff is wearing away at our marriage. Is it something I'm doing? Is it my fault?

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm at my wit's end! Is this just stuff that's normal in the first year?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i dont really know what is 'normal' but my H and I fought constantly the first few years. so to me, it sounds normal. 

to me it sounds like you both are trying to solve each other's problems, instead of just solving your own problems. that was the key thing that has helped me in my marriage. if im miserable, i dont blame my H. even if it is his fault, what's the point in blaming him? i cant control him, nor should i try and make his life about my happiness. im the only one i can control and my happiness is my responsibility. 

of course i realize the misery of your spouse can really wear you down. i read some boundary books that helped me deal with the emotional wear and tear from your partner. I read Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil and Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend. i also did the workbook. after awhile my H did them with me and he started really opening up to me. it was really hard at first. the fighting actually escalated because of all the resentment that we were both holding in, but finally things mellowed out. 

you're just going through some adjustment times; both of you. but you can find a solution. you'll just have to learn some boundaries and work on it.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry it's so rough! This early on...you must have seen some indicators before marriage??

You are here (states) and might as make your life the best it can be. He can choose to come along. There is no sense of looking back unless you can go back. If you can...then do. But it won't solve your marriage problems more than likely.

Go to the library and check on some self-help books. Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages would be a great read for one or both of you. There are many more. The key is to make yourself happy. Nothing or nobody can do that...only you. They can add to your life but you need to find it for yourself.

Maybe working away from home...if possible. Too much togetherness is right.


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