# Abuse Allegation



## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hello all, 

Having received absolutely no indication from my wife that she is willing to address her personality disorder through appopriate means, and believing that continuing to live in limbo is not good for me or our son, I persuaded my wife to begin mediation to try to hammer out a divorce decree we can live with. She was completely agreeable to that, and our first session was generally productive. 

As a side note, last week, she took our son to see a child therapist to help him deal with the turmoil in his life right now. We both have varying reasons we want this; she believes it will help him come to grips with the fact that Daddy just doesn't want to live there any more. I hope the therapist will help him understand that any bizarre behavior he sees from Mommy isn't his fault. But regardless of our motivations, we're agreed that a child specialist is probably appropriate. 

During the initial interview, my wife apparently brought up an incident from over 2 years ago. The incident is that I had warned our son repeatedly to not ride his tricycle into the road. He did it again, so I spanked him. Spanking is controversial, but it is a form of discipline that we had both agreed on before he was born. And the state in which we live specifically states in its guidelines for family courts that spanking is not abusive in and of itself. My spanking was administered with an open hand, palm only, on his thigh or buttocks area. 3 or 5 swats. And I immediately picked him up and cuddled him until he stopped crying, and then talked to him about what he did wrong. The whole thing was over with in 10 minutes; he showed no ill effects and my spanking didn't leave any marks. Later on that night, he cuddled with me as we watched fireworks (it was July 4th). 

Hours after the fact, my wife confronted me about why I "beat" and "shook" our son. (There was absolutely NO shaking involved). Before I knew it, she had told her family, my family, and our church family that I had beat, shaken and "badly hurt" our son. She even talked it over with our marriage counselor at the time, who is a mandatory reporter. After talking to me about it, and since our counselor was already suspsecting that my wife was seriously disordered, nothing more came of it. 

Now, two years later, my wife brings up the same incident to a new child therapist. Which triggered a mandatory report to our local children's services. 

This is so disturbing on so many levels. I am the LAST person on earth I expected to be investigated for child abuse! In fact, I have often felt that maybe I was too lenient on him for his own good. I know that all abusers deny that what they did was abusive, but I honestly do not think my spanking was abusive. And I EMPHATICALLY deny shaking him. Shaking a child is something that no sane person would EVER do. I cannot believe I am in this position. 

My lawyer tells me the evidence is flimsy at best. That there is no family law judge in our jurisdiction who COULD, let alone WOULD find me guilty of something like this. 

It is also disturbing to me that after REPEATEDLY telling my wife that I did not shake our son, she still believes I did it (by the way, she did not witness the incident...she was relying on hearsay from the ex-BIL who I later found out was sending her rather inappropriate e-mail messages; those of you who have followed my story know that background...at best, I think he had some mixed motives). 

I am also extremely troubled that she apparently felt this information wasn't all that serious for 2 years, and then it comes forward the same week we begin mediation. The timing could just be coincidence. But it is a little odd. 

At my lawyer's advice, I notified my wife today that I wanted the bulk of our communications to be in writing from now on. I just don't know how what I might say will be construed and used against me at a future date (apparently, a FAR future date!). I want to have written proof of the majority of our communications. 

My head is spinning tonight. Yesterday, I was so angry about being turned in to children's services that I couldn't speak. And yet even as angry as I was, I kept my interactions with my wife and son completely appropriate. 

I carried a pocket MP3 recorder around with me today while I had our son so I could document - at least in audio - every moment I spent with him. In fact, I didn't even pick him up at the appointed time because I had to wait until I spoke with my lawyer to assure myself that it was still OK to spend time with him while I'm under suspicion. 

My gosh, this is no way to live. Wondering what the next unfounded accusation will be. Having to carry a "wire" around on me like I'm some kind of drug informant or something. Having to pay my divorce attorney before I'm ready to file because now I might also need her to defend me from a criminal charge. 

This whole situation is just so messed up. 

I called in sick for a trip for the first time in 7 years tonight. I just don't have it in me to go out on the road again for a few days.

Please don't take this the wrong way, because I would never act in a suicidal way, but tonight I really wish God would just strike me with lightning and let me die. This is just awful....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She is psychotic.


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

-I'm going to tell you this right now your ****ting your pants over nothing.-yeah I know having to deal with child protection sucks.You've done nothing wrong and I'm surprised your attorney hasn't assured you more of how diddly squat-this is.I got accused of all kinds of stuff-plus stuff I allegedly did to her.Wasn't true and under cross examinationat the custody trial it all fell apart.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

I don't think that anyone on here is qualified to provide you with full and proper advice on legal or child protection issues - you need to go to your professionals for that.

That said, I imagine that the testimony of your original counsellor two years ago and what he concluded at the time would be pretty powerful evidence that would put you in the clear. Plus, of course, there is the history of your wife's behaviour that puts her allegations in a very clear context.

What people on here can help you deal with, though, is your emotions. From what you say your wife is clearly a very damaged person with lots of anger. Damaged people with lots of anger often lash out at others. And when they do, they don't hold back or fight fair. They're acting out of pure rage and reason or restraint doesn't come into it. They'll grab the biggest, nastiest weapon that will do the most damage. And because a spouse is so close to you, she knows exactly what will hurt you the most. She chose to drag this up from the past (as opposed to, say, making up a story about you hitting her) because she knew that this would be a direct punch right to your gut that would sicken and frighten you. 

She knows the truth - at least on some level. She knows that you didn't hurt your son or shake him. But she doesn't want to listen to or acknowledge the truth right now and she isn't coming from a place of reason - so trying to persuade her using reason is not going to work. All it is going to do is to give her the satisfaction of knowing that she got right under your skin.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

gulfwarvet said:


> -I'm going to tell you this right now your ****ting your pants over nothing.-yeah I know having to deal with child protection sucks.You've done nothing wrong and I'm surprised your attorney hasn't assured you more of how diddly squat-this is.I got accused of all kinds of stuff-plus stuff I allegedly did to her.Wasn't true and under cross examinationat the custody trial it all fell apart.


Not sure I'm exactly soiling myself. I am appropriately concerned. 

And yes, my lawyer has told me it's nothing to worry about. Just like my son's counselor told me she probably wouldn't have to report it once I told my side of the story. Right now, I'm not really trusting anyone who says, "Don't worry, it's nothing, it'll blow over." I'll believe it will blow over when it blows over.

I have been carrying a pocket MP3 recorder around with me for a while to record everything that happens whenever I have my son with me. Every night, I download the audio to my computer for safekeeping.

We're working through a mediation right now to try to hammer out a divorce decree without having the lawyers strangle each other. My wife has so far been working with the process, seemingly in good faith. But then she also believes I was abusive enough 19 months ago to just "happen" to mention it to our son's counselor.

Either she is insane, or she is pathologically dishonest. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say she is "merely" insane. It's still not a marriage that can be salvaged.

My lawyer's advice is to lay low, not appear too defensive, and try to finish up the mediation process before things get too bizarre. The more quickly we can hammer out an agreement, the more quickly we can get the divorce done, and I can work on becoming the healthy father my son needs.

Can't believe I spent so much time worrying about whether this was salvageable and if I was moving out too soon!


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> Either she is insane, or she is pathologically dishonest.


You're in mediation and heading towards divorce, isn't that right?

If so, there's a third possibility which I'm surprised you haven't considered.

She's looking for a legal advantage in child custody.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt,

The Missouri excursion was the tripwire for me.

It's clear she's several cards short of a full deck.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

totamm said:


> You're in mediation and heading towards divorce, isn't that right?
> 
> If so, there's a third possibility which I'm surprised you haven't considered.
> 
> She's looking for a legal advantage in child custody.


That's what's weird about all this. We've already hammered out the custody details. That was the easy part. I'm afraid she's going to throw a fit over the alimony part. She's probably going to want me to guarantee her current standard of living forever.

But we settled the shared custody thing with very little fuss.

I think Conrad's right; she's not playing with a full deck, so nothing she does makes any sense.

Here are some examples: When she first started badmouthing me about the spanking thing, it was just a spanking that "went too far." But the more she told the story, it morphed into a "beating." Sometime in the last couple of months it became a "beating and shaking" incident. It was the "shaking" part that mandated the report to Children's Services. I got the idea that the spanking part wouldn't have even elicited a yawn from the powers that be.

She's a licensed school teacher, so she would have also been required to report something similar had it happened to one of her students. How did she not notice that the story had changed in her head from "spanking" to "beating" to "beating and shaking?" I think this alone shows how disordered she is; she believes her own lies but can't even keep them consistent.

She also tried to sell the "spanking / beating" story to our marriage counselor, but the counselor was already wise to her issues and so never reported this event. I strongly suspect she told this story to our family doctor, since he already knew about the allegations of me bugging the phones. And yet he didn't turn me in, either.

Is it possible she didn't get the desired results from the counselor and pediatrician, so she upped the ante by including a "shaking" accusation?

In the end it doesn't really matter. She's screwed up and if I stay with her, she'll take me down. I just need to get out. Fast. Whatever is going on in her head is really irrelevant except for this fact - it's not good, and it's not going to improve.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

hurtnohio said:


> That's what's weird about all this. We've already hammered out the custody details. That was the easy part.


You might think you hammered out the custody details.

Maybe she's having second thoughts. 

Maybe someone got in her head.

Maybe she's realizing she's not doing so good with the alimony so she's going after more child support, and the only way to do that is to get sole custody.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Hello, everyone. Here's an update on my situation....

We continue to meet weekly in mediation to try to hammer out a divorce agreement. It seems to be going more slowly than I thought it would. It seems we have to stop and debate every point....Will we allow our son to participate in Halloween activities, even if sponsored by the church? When can our son stay overnight with me? Am I even a "fit father" for allowing our son to stay overnight (she claims I sleep so deeply I can't hear him if he calls for me)? And on and on. We are making progress, but it seems so slow. Now that I've made the decision to end things, I want it over with soon, so I can begin healing and trying to be the healthiest father possible for that little boy. But I also know this process isn't meant to be fast, so I continue to be patient.

Then, in the middle of all of this, my son had an accident and got hurt. Here's the background...there's an outdoor sports / camping store near here that has a huge indoor aquarium. One of the highlights of the week for my son is to watch them feed the fish there. We went to watch the fish feeding. He also likes pretending to "drive" the pontoon boats that they have on display. And also to pretend he's driving the 4-wheelers / ATVs. All of this is at an indoor display.

On the day of my son's accident, he was pretending to drive an ATV with me in the passenger seat. This particular type of ATV has a cargo net for "doors." My son decided he was done "driving," and stood up and said, "Daddy, I want out." This is something we've done plenty of times before. I reached across from the passengers' side and hit the quick-release mechanism on the netting, not realizing he was leaning his full weight onto the cargo netting. As soon as it released, he tumbled onto the concrete floor on his hands and knees. 

Instantly, I was sick to my stomach. I ran to him, grabbed him up, checked him over, and cuddled him while he cried. I felt all over his knees to make sure nothing appeared broken. I felt awful for the part I unwittingly played in the accident. After several minutes when he couldn't walk on it, I knew I had to take him to Urgent Care. I called his mother, who met me there. She didn't hurl any accusations at the time, but I knew what she must be thinking, especially after the untrue abuse allegation. 

My son's knee was sprained, but it was fortunately nothing worse. He was playing again on it like nothing had happened in a couple of days. Thankfully, it wasn't worse. I felt badly for my part in the accident.

We had another mediation session this week. I had alerted my lawyer to the injury and the mediator to the children's services investigation. When the mediator asked if any of us had any new information, my wife looked across the table and asked me if I wanted to tell her about "it." I said no, mainly because I was curious to hear my wife's version of events.

Here's how she presented it: "Hurt is under investigation for child abuse over an incident that happened two years ago. In addition to that, there was an incident this week where our son got hurt, but I do believe it was really an accident this time..."

If ever I doubted what my wife's true state of mind is, I think any doubts were dispelled then and there. She still sees everything I do as wrong. Not only has she never stopped to question her own recollection of events she didn't even witness from years ago, but she's also implicitly suggesting that accidents our son has now MIGHT not be accidents. To me, this appears to be a subtle way of appearing to give me the benefit of the doubt while also introducing at least a little bit of suspicion.

I'm so tired of living like this. The moment my son hit the floor that day, two thoughts came to mind: (1) Is he OK and does he need a doctor? and (2) How can I document what just happened so I don't get unjustly accused of abuse (again)?

Any normal father's response should be limited to just the first question. It should never even have to enter my mind to question how to document things to prepare for my future defense.

And this is no way to live.

I can see now that my wife's emotional abuse has so gotten inside my head that even at a moment when my son is in pain, I'm wondering how to defend myself. And I hate having to think like that. When my son gets hurt (which I hope never happens again, but I'm sure it will), I want to just be able to comfort him and cuddle him and help him heal. I don't want to also wonder if SHE'LL be breathing down my neck and use this to accuse me of something sinister two years down the road.

This is so emotionally tiring....


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

The store might have video surveillance. Did you make an accident report with the store?


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Rosemary's Granddaughter said:


> The store might have video surveillance. Did you make an accident report with the store?


No, but I probably should have. I have a pocket MP3 recorder that I carry with me at all times, and I record everything that occurs when I'm with my son or her, just for future record. As I was cuddling my son and trying to calm him down, I quickly snapped a few pictures of the cargo netting and the quick release mechanism on the ATV in question, so as to document the physical arrangement of everything to corroborate my story. 

I was more concerned with getting my son to Urgent Care than I was in making out an accident report.

My attorney says this, like the children's services investigation, will probably blow over. She says kids get hurt, and only an idiot would intentionally do something to hurt his son while under investigation. She says the timing of all this is a good thing in a way. Also the fact that I quickly sought medical care and that the injury is clearly documented is a good thing; it shows I wasn't trying to hide anything.

As as side note, I haven't even received a phone call from Children's Services yet. My lawyer says I probably never will. She says they deal with stuff like this all the time in divorce situations, and it's usually pretty clear to them what's happening as well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hurtn 
The people in the system see this type of attempted shakedown all the time. 

Ignore the spanking and focus only on the allegation of shaking:
1. When did she first make the 'shaking' claim? 
2. Did she acknowledge that it was only the BIL who witnessed it? Or did she claim to see it herself? 
3. Did she bring your son in for a medical checkup at the time of the alleged event? 
4. Do you have copies or emails of her inappropriate exchanges with the BIL that PRE DATE the incident in question? 

Is your lawyer asking these questions?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hello,
I would suggest that when you see your son you look him over and document any scratches and bruises on him. That way she can't blame you for any incident. 

Good luck, she sounds like a nutcase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Ah yes, yet ANOTHER victim of false abuse allegations. When are we going to wake up as a society and change these laws which are being abused daily?

The divorce industry was set up by feminists and lawyers to transfer wealth from men to women. The "domestic abuse" industry does their part as you see here. Get the kid away from dad by false allegation, mother gets custody and child support. She and the child now need to be "maintained" at the marital standard of living so spousal support is needed as well. Man is forking over 40-60% of his pay. Even worse, the mother can move a new love interest into the family home and the OM now legally has more access to the children then the biological father does. 

I am so glad I am not going through what you are going through.

So typical, so terrible. Best of luck and do update often.


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