# Trying to stay positive but it feels one sided



## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

I’m not really sure where to begin with this but here goes..

I have been married to my wife for what will be 20 years in January (she’s 48 and I’m 43). We have 2 sons with special needs ages 15 & 17. I am also retired Military so you can imagine our marriage has been full of ups and downs.

I met my wife while I was still in my training phase of the military in Texas. We met each other in a night club and we hit it off pretty good. We exchanged numbers and after a few months of dating we decided to get married. My wife is a very kind and generous woman she’s beautiful and charismatic, smart and funny. Our sex life was pretty active and we tried things to keep it spicy in the relationship including watching porn while we had sex….this while seeming harmless at the time you will see becomes a major red flag down the road.

Fast forward 5 years, we we’re stationed in Japan. Our first son diagnosed with Autism was devastating. Alcohol became my crutch to dealing with reality. Pretty much as soon as I got home it was time to start drinking…I wasn’t devoting attention to where it was needed. Don’t get me wrong I was spending time with my son. Our sex life was pretty much watching porn every time we had sex...I was drunk all the time so it didn’t seem that big a deal to me and seemed perfectly normal. Our second son was also diagnosed with Autism near the end of our tour and as you can imagine this only made the drinking worse and everything along with it. My mother-in-law was terminally ill from cancer in the Philippines and my wife wanted to just go alone. I had to convince her to let me take leave and go with her….It was odd to me that she didn’t want me to come. Maybe it was nothing…I never asked her why.

Things stayed the same until we we’re stationed in Colorado 2009-2013…we had just bought a house about a year into my tour there. I don’t know what triggered it but I had reached a point in my life where I started to put my life under a microscope. I made the decision to stop drinking and man....once I did that…it was earth shattering as reality came crashing down on top of me. I got smacked with a tidal wave of guilt. I realized what a piss poor state of our relationship was actually in. Things like she no longer kissed me passionately anymore, in fact, there was very little intimacy at all. We still watched porn vids when having sex but I started noticing that very little eye contact between us until the part where she reaches climax and then looks down as if thinking “Oh forgot you we’re there” It’s really deflating to know that you’re not the object of your partners desire. I addressed these things to her and she seemed kind of annoyed that I was even bringing it up. I was very upfront and apologetic on how bad things we’re and even admitted I had a heavy hand in why things we’re that way. I convinced her to try therapy which we attended….it didn’t seem to help much. It didn’t help a lot either that we worked opposite schedules so that when I was home she was working and when she was home I was working most of the time. We kinda just fell back into our old pattern of things for the time being….

I got stationed in Korea for a year assignment in 2013. A year apart sucked but I tried to be productive as I was taking a couple of college classes. Maintaining my sobriety in Korea was completely different experience the first time I was there early in my career. It’s one of those assignments where you either get schooling done and there was 3 other options which we’re drink, drink heavily, and drink more. Anyway I had suggested we try to be naughty on Skype so we decided to set that up. So before we get started what does she do…pops out the IPad and starts up a video. We didn’t do this very often but every time it went down the same. I also had a lot of medical issues going on as well I had a surgery done and I was also diagnosed with Low T and began treatment for that as well. We had some nasty fights over Skype ..every time I tried to bring up serious talks about the state of the relationship she would get defensive…she would say things like “you just need to back off” which just raised more questions for me. To say the least it was a very long tour…the longest year of my life.

When I got back that first night we had sex 3 times..and GUESS WHAT..No Video!!!!!!..I really thought this might be the start of things we’re different…boy was I wrong. Maybe it was because it had been forever since either of us had sex..I don’t know. After that first night old patterns set in again. I think it was at that point my happiness really started to progressively get worse.

My next and last assignment was in Northern California. One of the things that makes me feel complete is feeling like my partner has my back. When we settled in I remember after we found medical providers for the kids I was then looking for a Urologist to continue my TRT treatment. Anyway she knew how important it was to me I remember we we’re both laying on our bed and I was clearly knee deep in searching for a reputable doc on my laptop and her on her Ipad. The thing that bothered me was that she’s seemed indifferent in how my progress was coming along…I mean not even an offer to help search for a specialist, which I probably would of said “no I got this” but the thought/offer would of went a long way. I felt more like “it’s your problem, you deal with it” I only say this because whenever she has anything medical going on I am proactive and I do research for her…send her articles or other resources to help her figure it out. During our final years up to retirement I have brought up my unhappiness with the intimacy/sex life situation…I told her it doesn’t feel like we’re even connected anymore and my love tank is empty (we both read the 5 languages of love book). One of those talks she said if you’re unhappy then just leave. I was stunned…I couldn’t even think of something to say to that. I couldn’t help but to think would it be that easy for her? She doesn’t seem inclined to better the relationship even though I have clearly expressed that I do want to see it improve. Like she’s fine If I put in extra effort just don’t expect any effort from her end. She knows the watching porn while we have sex is a problem for me now but apparently that’s not enough to stop doing it. One time I checked to check the view time minutes on the porn site and saw there was time used during the weekends she was away at work...a couple of times we’re when we just had sex the previous night…ouch. When I asked her about it her initial response was to lie and deny it….double ouch. She’s proactive when it comes to hosting dinner parties friends/co-workers…proactive when it comes to her job or the kids but definitely not proactive when it comes to the marriage.

For the past 5 years of my life I’ve been living in a world of grey and it’s only getting worse. The things that have once brought me joy are pretty much just distractions now from keeping me from feeling too crappy. I’m pretty convinced she is harboring resentment for our rough years but only she can uncork that bottle. I’ve been managing my stress by going to the Gym a lot. It’s hard though everyday even getting out of bed is a struggle. I feel like I’m running on empty all the time. It’s like she’s fine with the dysfunctional status of the relationship….and also fine with the fact that I’m not fine with it. I feel like I’m at the end of my rope and I’m losing hope that things are ever going to get better. One thing I’ve thought of if I can get her to get therapy because if she won’t talk to me then maybe a therapist will be able to unearth whatever feelings she’s buried so deeply. I figured that could go 2 ways…either it’ll enable us to move forward or it’ll break us. Either way..I think it would bring closure. She’s not talking to me and it’s killing us both slowly. I know I f’d up in the early going but I would like to think I’ve improved to a better version of me and I’m willing to mend things but not if it’s going to be a one way street. 

I’ve stressed to her how important intimacy/sex is to me and we used to have that. I also explained to her that that is something that cannot be faked. It’s not just about sex…it’s about raw authentic desire and that cannot be faked and it comes from within.

Anyway I’m looking forward to responses on this. Sorry for the long read and will provide more info if needed.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stressedd said:


> I’m not really sure where to begin with this but here goes..
> 
> I have been married to my wife for what will be 20 years in January (she’s 48 and I’m 43). We have 2 sons with special needs ages 15 & 17. I am also retired Military so you can imagine our marriage has been full of ups and downs.
> 
> ...


The porn watching is the least of your problems. In bold above, do you see a pattern? This is the pattern your W has lived with. "I'll change." Resumed the old pattern. "I'll get better." Get reassigned to another country. Same pattern starts again. Your W has detached. It will be very hard to win that back.


----------



## stressedd (Apr 8, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> The porn watching is the least of your problems. In bold above, do you see a pattern? This is the pattern your W has lived with. "I'll change." Resumed the old pattern. "I'll get better." Get reassigned to another country. Same pattern starts again. Your W has detached. It will be very hard to win that back.



What you have stated is what I have been dreading to be the truth. I even mentioned the possibility of this to her but she didn't believe it. She says she's fine and that she's got good at compartmentalization. This isn't healthy problemsolving..it's locking them away and fooling yourself thinking that you have it under control. If she's that far gone...then why stay...why is she even with me still? She should be with someone who she doesn't feel like she has to have to bury her problems with. This really hurts...I really don't know what to do about getting her to open up about it. Sometimes I think she wants it to be over but she doesn't want to be the one to end it. If that's what she truly wants I won't force her to stay with someone she no longer cares for..she deserves better than that.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

stressedd said:


> What you have stated is what I have been dreading to be the truth. I even mentioned the possibility of this to her but she didn't believe it. She says she's fine and that she's got good at compartmentalization. This isn't healthy problemsolving..it's locking them away and fooling yourself thinking that you have it under control. If she's that far gone...then why stay...why is she even with me still? She should be with someone who she doesn't feel like she has to have to bury her problems with. This really hurts...I really don't know what to do about getting her to open up about it. Sometimes I think she wants it to be over but she doesn't want to be the one to end it. If that's what she truly wants I won't force her to stay with someone she no longer cares for..she deserves better than that.


I'm going to be straight here, For a military man, you sound very weak. You messed up big time for years with the drinking, the porn (which probably doesn't make her feel very good about herself) , the neglect, emotional and physical 'abandonment' etc. Now you are whining that she may have checked out so what is the point in staying, blah blah blah. 
I don't see your wife whinging, she has more cajones than you, she stuck through the thick and thin to keep the family together and took care of two disabled kids without your help. 
Now you are going to be weak and just walk away because it hurts, blah blah blah. you are bloody lucky she is still around. You wife is from the Phillippines and they will always put family first, that is why she is still around, women from other cultures would have left you a long time ago.
She has had to carry the load of two children with autism, that is tough in itself when one has a fully engaged partner. If she has a ton of resentment, that is on you too, you have not been a partner in life but you expect a fully engaged partner in sex, it is all about you!

You caused the problem, now pull up your big boy pants, stop with the self-pity and do something, therapy, work on becoming a better man, a good father, etc whatever, put pull out all stops to see if you can salvage this mess you made and stop putting it on your wife, the buck stops with you. 

If she is still around then there is hope but it depends on how much of a man you are going to be to lead your family through the mess you made. It will take years to reverse the damage done, if ever.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stressedd said:


> What you have stated is what I have been dreading to be the truth. I even mentioned the possibility of this to her but she didn't believe it. She says she's fine and that she's got good at compartmentalization. This isn't healthy problemsolving..it's locking them away and fooling yourself thinking that you have it under control. If she's that far gone...then why stay...why is she even with me still? She should be with someone who she doesn't feel like she has to have to bury her problems with. This really hurts...I really don't know what to do about getting her to open up about it. Sometimes I think she wants it to be over but she doesn't want to be the one to end it. If that's what she truly wants I won't force her to stay with someone she no longer cares for..she deserves better than that.


In your W case compartmetalizing is her only way to solve her current situation. You are the one with the problem. Not your W. Why stay? Financial stability for her and the kids. Your reassignments your W has raised the family on her own. 

As far as opening up....it will be very hard...if at all. Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. In other words, your repeated behavior is all your W will see and believe will be your future actions will remain the same. 

I don't believe you are "letting" your W go. I believe she has left in her mind.


----------

