# Three EA's and now separated



## sds (Jul 19, 2011)

This is my first post anywhere. I would like to thank everyone here. This site has been very helpful this past week. I just wished I had found it sooner.

I decided to post this here because the EA is the cause of our separation. Here goes:

She grew up with this guy. He was her uncle's nephew (no blood relation to her.) They were brought up as friends but also family. When they reached the birds and the bees age they crossed the line of friendship and became an item. But then I showed up and she broke up with him to be with me.

We got married young she was 18 I was 22. A month later I deployed to Japan to what was suppose to be 6 months but the invasion of Iraq extended us an extra 6 months. I came back and all was well. We had our first child.

A year later I took a trip to Iraq for seven months. Sometime after I got back I found a notebook she had kept while I was gone. In it were pages upon pages of alternate alternate futures without me. Some where I had died and some where we just divorced. Every scenario ended up with here going back to her ex. Needless to say, I was devastated. When I looked around some more I found phone records of her talking to him while was gone. She said they never physically met but how can I know, I was on the other side of the planet. I confronted her about it and she gave me the sob story. She said it didn't mean anything, she wasn't in a good place while I was gone, she won't do it again. I believed her and I buried it and we moved on. I never forgot it though.

About three years later I had to go over our phone bill because the amount was off. What do I find? His phone number under her profile. I was mad. I think this is where I lost it. She was wishing him happy birthday I think, however the bill show other wise. I saw it as a broken promise, a flat out lie and complete disrespect to our marriage and now two kids. Once again she said she was going to break contact and I took it once again but it wasn't lightly. 

I lost it in the way of indirect anger towards her. I didn't trust a lot about her anymore and I became a jerk and an a***hole. I didn't completely shut her out. I always said I love you and I meant it. In retrospect I can see that I wasn't completely there. this became the norm for the next five or so years.

I between those five years I had to go to Afghanistan. Prior to deploying I was very stressed and not because of the environment I was headed to, but because I didn't know if she was waiting for me to leave so she can find him again. I wanted to bring it up but I didn't know how. When I came back I didn't find or really look for anything but I still wanted to bring it up and didn't know how. 

This whole year we've only been intimate once. She's been sick and I didn't want to ask her to do it while she was in a lot of pain. She's gotten better though. I tried to initiate something last week but she didn't want to so I just turned over and fell asleep. I woke up the next morning very quiet-like because of the rejection...and then she pulled me aside...

She said she doesn't know how she feels about me anymore. That she wants to get away for a while to fix herself. She doesn't know if she's in love with me. I asked her how long and she said a YEAR. She left than night with, now, our three kids. 

For the next couple of days I was alone so I started to clean up the entire house to keep myself busy. I ended up finding one of her notebooks and in it were draft letters to her ex. She never mentioned this by the way. She decided to leave and I found out that she had reestablished contact with him. As if her leaving wasn't devastating enough now I have this to deal with, possibly even the reason.

She came back and forth throughout the week while she look for a place to stay. I confronted her about this and she tried to block it. She said she is not ready to deal with any of it she wants to deal with herself first. I tried to tell her that this was the root of the problem. I opened up to her everything that was going on with me. She still wants to go though. 

I'm afraid that while she's gone and healing that I'm going to be here getting worse. She is still in contact with him even as of today. I don't know anything about it. She's asked for space so she can deal with herself first, but how can I keep this in? How can I wait until she is ready? Before she left she said she would like it if we didn't date or see anyone but yet she gets to keep in contact with him? 

I'm ranting now. Thank you all for listening.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sds said:


> She is still in contact with him even as of today. I don't know anything about it. She's asked for space so she can deal with herself first, but how can I keep this in? How can I wait until she is ready? Before she left she said she would like it if we didn't date or see anyone but yet she gets to keep in contact with him?


She expects you put your life on hold for her just in case things don't work out with her ex? Totally unacceptable. 

As I said in an earlier post, a separation is nothing more than a one sided open marriage in disguise usually instigated by an unfaithful wife. Is that what you truly want? A one sided open marriage for her benefit?

Face reality my friend. When she says she loves you it isn't as her husband/lover but as her room mate/father of her children/brother. 

Read the following



> _*Just Let Them Go*
> 
> The end result?
> 
> ...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As Morituri said, she is expecting you to be her backup plan. For me, I would tell her that there is no separation. Choosing anything other than you is choosing divorce. Even if it is only asking you to wait like a puppy dog while she considers which pet to choose from the pet store. I'd tell her that she should take time to think about things, but you will not be there to hear her choice. Sadly, she is showing you that she never really chose you anyway. I don't think that she'll realize the seriousness of her mixed love for the two of you until she realizes that you are on your way out of her life.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sds said:


> Before she left she said she would like it if we didn't date or see anyone but yet she gets to keep in contact with him?


Hello, double standards!

Tell her, no dice. Tell her that if she wants you both not to date or be in contact with the opposite sex, she must end all contact with him or you can't guarantee you will be around.

It sounds like she's been detaching for awhile.

Who is this guy? Does he have a girlfriend? Married? If so, tell his wife. 

I would let her string you along and walk all over you. It's clear that's her plan. And that you are her Plan B right now.

Sex only 1x this year? No way.


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## sds (Jul 19, 2011)

Yeah, the whole no intimacy was tough.

I've read about just letting the person go. I just don't know if, because of the way I shut my self from her emotionally, it will seem like I'm remaining the same and will not change. Essentially pushing her further away. It's a very confusing time right now. I still love her but I can't stand this. 

I don't know how to give her up properly right now. I want her to find herself and realize she made a mistake by leaving me but at the same time I want get this guy out of our lives right now. He will always be part of our lives in some way though. Like I said in my original post, he's her uncle's nephew.


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## sds (Jul 19, 2011)

She's coming over in about an hour. She is taking the invitation that was extended by my chaplain. I'm having a tough time deciding when to stand my ground about the issue, before or after she talks to him. What do you guys think?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO this guy was her 1st true love---and many times that just does not go away-----

You broke her out from her 1st lover, but she has never forgotten him, and MAY NEVER FORGET HIM------obviously from what is going on---that seems to be holding true

You need to confront her on her feelings for him, and her feelings for you-----If she can't get him out of her sub-conscious, you are in for a lifetime of what you are dealing with now-----is that what you want for the rest of your life?????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When you have the visit from the chaplain you can tell her all contact ends with him or else you aren't sticking around. 

That should be a non-negotiable.


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## sds (Jul 19, 2011)

She is going to be seeing the chaplain by herself. That's why I'm unsure about bringing it up before or after.


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