# Stay in a marriage? False accusations.



## keyz

Edit
I will be deleting this.
To many assholes here that just want to insult me, screw this place.


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## BeyondRepair007

keyz said:


> I have been married over 30 years and have had my fidelity questioned throughout. I have been accused of being with so many that I can't focus. I have removed so many friends from my life and social media. I am essentially not allowed friends. I work from home. We have been to many therapists, I am not very good at defending myself. I really have never cheated. My wife has admitted to a long affair with her musician boss, I think much of it comes from this. I have taken professional polygraph tests twice. I can't live with being called a liar. She has full access to phone social media (need for work) tracking on phone. Conversations online are questioned and people, customers blocked. She is uninterested in physical touch from me or to me, I need intimacy, the touch of skin, kissing, breath on ears. Should I move on?? I still love her, probably always will. I just want a real life.


Stay in Marriage? = No.
Should I move on? = Yes.

Don't even think twice.
You know she's a cheater.
All those accusations against you are when she is projecting her own issues onto you.

You have let her control your friend groups and your life by her accusations.

When you said "_I think much of it comes from this_"
Let me fix that for you: "_All of this crap comes because she's a cheating *****_"

What are you, early 50's? Kids are grown? Enjoy the retirement years in peace.

Gather up your man-parts and stop playing her games.
See a lawyer today and move on with your life.


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## Openminded

Cheaters tend to project their behavior on others. 

It obviously takes two to make a marriage work. You don’t have that.


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## Mr.Married

Remind us again why you would even consider staying with her for even one second longer ??

Do you hate yourself that much? What do you think when you look in the mirror? So she screwed around and you get a life time of blame ….DUDE SNAP THE F OUT OF IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ???


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## Laurentium

If your description is at all accurate, then yes you should leave. 

Is there anything else you're not telling us?


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## keyz

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Stay in Marriage? = No.
> Should I move on? = Yes.
> 
> Don't even think twice.
> You know she's a cheater.
> All those accusations against you are when she is projecting her own issues onto you.
> 
> You have let her control your friend groups and your life by her accusations.
> 
> When you said "_I think much of it comes from this_"
> Let me fix that for you: "_All of this crap comes because she's a cheating ***_"
> 
> What are you, early 50's? Kids are grown? Enjoy the retirement years in peace.
> 
> Gather up your man-parts and stop playing her games.
> See a lawyer today and move on with your life.





Laurentium said:


> If your description is at all accurate, then yes you should leave.
> 
> Is there anything else you're not telling us?


I am sure there is loads I am not including. 
I will answer any questions.
I can say drugs were involved (both of us) Long ago. I am clean and sober for almost 25 years, both of us.


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## keyz

Mr.Married said:


> Remind us again why you would even consider staying with her for even one second longer ??
> 
> Do you hate yourself that much? What do you think when you look in the mirror? So she screwed around and you get a life time of blame ….DUDE SNAP THE F OUT OF IT WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU ???


This is painful. I love her,It would get really ugly with her if I left.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Why does this thread seem familiar I wonder.


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## *Deidre*

She sounds like she’s projecting - she cheated so she thinks you will and has been obsessed with that idea. I would move on, for many reasons.

I wonder why so many married people think that marriage should be this endless rocky path, where you keep falling and getting scraped up and you’re left to heal on your own. Only to keep falling, rinse and repeat.

You deserve better, and I believe you’ll heal and live a better life away if you leave.


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## uwe.blab

@keyz why would you stay with her? Is there an upside here?


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## keyz

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why does this thread seem familiar I wonder.


I don't know. Is it common?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

keyz said:


> I don't know. Is it common?


Well have to see. The topic is common enough.


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## frenchpaddy

I would pack her bag , and it would not be a big bag , 
I can tell you Keyz if she is as you say she is , you are under her power and can not see the real person she is , 
many years ago I called to my brother in law on my way to take my gf at the time on a date , I sat on the same seat as his new wife she turned her back to me and read a book , he found out in time what she was like and divorced her , but it was not until he was away from her that he started to see the real her


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## DownByTheRiver

keyz said:


> I have been married over 30 years and have had my fidelity questioned throughout. I have been accused of being with so many that I can't focus. I have removed so many friends from my life and social media. I am essentially not allowed friends. I work from home. We have been to many therapists, I am not very good at defending myself. I really have never cheated. My wife has admitted to a long affair with her musician boss, I think much of it comes from this. I have taken professional polygraph tests twice. I can't live with being called a liar. She has full access to phone social media (need for work) tracking on phone. Conversations online are questioned and people, customers blocked. She is uninterested in physical touch from me or to me, I need intimacy, the touch of skin, kissing, breath on ears. Should I move on?? I still love her, probably always will. I just want a real life.


She has insecurity and she is the perfect example of how cheaters can't believe someone else doesn't che.at because they would if they thought they could get away with it.

She sounds pathological about it and it's become abusive because you're not allowed to have friends. It sounds like you have done all you can do. 30 years is a long time. You've done all you can do but has she done all she can do to work on her insecurity and thinking that just because she cheated that other people would too given the opportunity? Has she had individual counseling? I'm saying probably based on everything you guys have gone through. But if not tell her she needs to see if she can fix this in individual counseling and if she can't, you should feel free to do whatever sounds the best to you.


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## Mr.Married

Drugs were 25 years ago. It’s water under the bridge. Congratulations on being clean and sober 👍

I had a run on the dope myself in my youth.. young people do dumb stuff. It’s part of growing up. Don’t let it be a narrative she uses against you.

So now …. Tell us about some of the nasty chit you have done to possibly pi$$ her off.


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## DownByTheRiver

And if what sounds best to you is stay with her and reestablish your friendships as long as they're not with old eX's or something that merits suspicion, then do it and ignore her histrionics.


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## keyz

Mr.Married said:


> Drugs were 25 years ago. It’s water under the bridge. Congratulations on being clean and sober 👍
> 
> I had a run on the dope myself in my youth.. young people do dumb stuff. It’s part of growing up. Don’t let it be a narrative she uses against you.
> 
> So now …. Tell us about some of the nasty chit you have done to possibly pi$$ her off.


Loads of things upset her. I am far from innocent. I think I am too loud and defensive when accusations arise. I have been in situations that I could have cheated. I have had sex offered quite a few times, I would be terrified to follow through with that. 
I think you mean things I do wrong. I stress about money, overspending. I like to go to movies (alone if necessary). She is VERY caught up in Covid worry, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma and she has serious bubble rules, I try to be safe, but I am not as safe as she wants. 

Starting over would be very very hard.


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## DudeInProgress

keyz said:


> This is painful. I love her,It would get really ugly with her if I left.


You have been passive and weak in your marriage. 
You are being passive and weak in your marriage.
The question is, will you continue that path to your own destruction, or will you stand up, develop some ****ing strength and dignity and self-respect and start taking action to improve your situation?

Women respect strength, confidence and leadership. 
Women are attracted to strength, confidence and leadership. 
Women despise weak, passive men who defer to her and allow her to push them around or dominate them. And they will always treat such men badly.

You have allowed and tolerated horrible behavior, and your wife clearly has no respect for you. 
Is your wife a terrible, unacceptable wife? Yes. 
Should you divorce her and never look back? Yes
But YOU are the core problem here. And if you’re don’t address that, you will just end up right back here with the next woman.


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## Mr.Married

keyz said:


> Loads of things upset her. I am far from innocent. I think I am too loud and defensive when accusations arise. I have been in situations that I could have cheated. I have had sex offered quite a few times, I would be terrified to follow through with that.
> I think you mean things I do wrong. I stress about money, overspending. I like to go to movies (alone if necessary). She is VERY caught up in Covid worry, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma and she has serious bubble rules, I try to be safe, but I am not as safe as she wants.
> 
> Starting over would be very very hard.


What I am about to say will make you think I’m a huge f’ing bick but it’s the outright truth:

Your wife is a complete and total dead end that will continue to do absolutely nothing but drag you down. As a partner her value is near zero.

Facts of Life: There is someone for everyone…. Plenty someones. If I died today my wife would find another man and if she died I’d find another wife. I met my wife at 13. Just because we are individuals doesn’t mean we are special snowflakes.

Sorry but you need to ditch that life anchor your uselessly attached to and get yourself a real life and a real wife.

Dead weight ……….


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

@keyz 
This tidbit, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma, is something you should have led with.

It vastly changes things.


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## keyz

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @keyz
> This tidbit, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma, is something you should have led with.
> 
> It vastly changes things.


Yes, I agree.
The leukemia and lymphoma are within the last couple years. They are just something to watch at this point, it hasn't created any real changes.
The Chronic fatigue, fibromialgia etc has been ongoing and she is on disability.


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## Mr.Married

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @keyz
> This tidbit, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma, is something you should have led with.
> 
> It vastly changes things.


Because that makes her have an affair and yell at her husband about cheating her whole life ???


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## Mr.Married

keyz said:


> Yes, I agree.
> The leukemia and lymphoma are within the last couple years. They are just something to watch at this point, it hasn't created any real changes.
> The Chronic fatigue, fibromialgia etc has been ongoing and she is on disability.


It doesn’t change fack all about her past behavior


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

keyz said:


> Yes, I agree.
> The leukemia and lymphoma are within the last couple years. They are just something to watch at this point, it hasn't created any real changes.
> The Chronic fatigue, fibromialgia etc has been ongoing and she is on disability.


Is she taking medication for the leukemia and lymphoma, ie under active treatment? And under treatment for the immunodeficiency?


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## keyz

DudeInProgress said:


> You have been passive and weak in your marriage.
> You are being passive and weak in your marriage.
> The question is, will you continue that path to your own destruction, or will you stand up, develop some ****ing strength and dignity and self-respect and start taking action to improve your situation?
> 
> Women respect strength, confidence and leadership.
> Women are attracted to strength, confidence and leadership.
> Women despise weak, passive men who defer to her and allow her to push them around or dominate them. And they will always treat such men badly.
> 
> You have allowed and tolerated horrible behavior, and your wife clearly has no respect for you.
> Is your wife a terrible, unacceptable wife? Yes.
> Should you divorce her and never look back? Yes
> But YOU are the core problem here. And if you’re don’t address that, you will just end up right back here with the next woman.


Agreed. And... I knew this going in. I have always said when I chose her that I was floundering and needed someone to help push me. I have a very strong work ethic now, maybe too strong. I need to think what i want, and don't want and set boundaries for me and others.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Mr.Married said:


> Because that makes her have an affair and yell at her husband about cheating her whole life ???


I hear you, no it doesn't, you're right. I'm wondering if OP is using those diagnoses as excuses, and are they actually diagnosed by dr as life threatening or things that have long passed into observation only.
Or, real even real diagnosis. Surely OP wouldn't be using fake diagnoses as excuses. That would be tempting karma and just wrong.


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## keyz

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Is she taking medication for the leukemia and lymphoma, ie under active treatment? And under treatment for the immunodeficiency?


Not for the cancers.
She mostly treats the auto-immune disease symptoms (pain, sleep etc)


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Answered.


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## keyz

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I hear you, no it doesn't, you're right. I'm wondering if OP is using those diagnoses as excuses, and are they actually diagnosed by dr as life threatening or things that have long passed into observation only.
> Or, real even real diagnosis. Surely OP wouldn't be using fake diagnoses as excuses. That would be tempting karma and just wrong.


They are real, I go to many of the appointments.


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## keyz

[QUOTE="


wondering if OP is using those diagnoses as excuses​

[/QUOTE]

I don't understand?


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## Mr.Married

Seriously…. What is it that you want ?


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## Mr.Married

keyz said:


> [QUOTE="
> 
> ​
> wondering if OP is using those diagnoses as excuses​


I don't understand?
[/QUOTE]



For her chit behavior


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

keyz said:


> Not for the cancers.
> She mostly treats the auto-immune disease symptoms (pain, sleep etc)


Serious autoimmune disease are always under a Drs. care. 

So these can be eliminated as excuses. That's what I'm hearing.


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## keyz

Mr.Married said:


> Seriously…. What is it that you want ?


I would love to not be accused of cheating, having affairs etc. I would love the lie detector tests to be trusted. AI can live with everything else.
I HATE working this hard on opening up every avenue to check up on me and still be thought of as being a cheater. It really pisses me off (sorry)


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## Beach123

keyz said:


> Loads of things upset her. I am far from innocent. I think I am too loud and defensive when accusations arise. I have been in situations that I could have cheated. I have had sex offered quite a few times, I would be terrified to follow through with that.
> I think you mean things I do wrong. I stress about money, overspending. I like to go to movies (alone if necessary). She is VERY caught up in Covid worry, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma and she has serious bubble rules, I try to be safe, but I am not as safe as she wants.
> 
> Starting over would be very very hard.


sometimes the hard - is completely worth it.

you get passes the fear and understand fully well you deserve to be happy. Happy without someone accusing you of cheating if you’re not.
then find someone who actually loves you and treats you right - that which includes physical affection that you don’t get from her.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

keyz said:


> [QUOTE="
> 
> ​
> wondering if OP is using those diagnoses as excuses​


I don't understand?
[/QUOTE]
To excuse her very poor treatment of you and lack of respect for things you believe are important.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

keyz said:


> I would love to not be accused of cheating, having affairs etc. I would love the lie detector tests to be trusted. AI can live with everything else.
> I HATE working this hard on opening up every avenue to check up on me and still be thought of as being a cheater. It really pisses me off (sorry)


How much do you dislike it? Enough to put your foot down?


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## keyz

As far as the diseases. YES... I have had a workload. Childcare, cooking, cleaning laundry, taxes, everything. On days she feels better....she does what she wants.She got very much better 25 years ago, she got a job as a band manager and the affair happened. She got better about 5 years ago, and that has helped the workload, she is going downhill again and is upset about it. I am sure her illnesses have exasperated her paranoia of me leaving or cheating.


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## keyz

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> How much do you dislike it? Enough to put your foot down?


THIS IS the first step, yes.


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## Mr.Married

keyz said:


> I would love to not be accused of cheating, having affairs etc. I would love the lie detector tests to be trusted. AI can live with everything else.
> I HATE working this hard on opening up every avenue to check up on me and still be thought of as being a cheater. It really pisses me off (sorry)


So when you take a good long hard and TRUTHFUL look at your situation….and considering all the past history…. Surely you must understand you are never going to get that.

Right ? It should be pretty clear.


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## DudeInProgress

keyz said:


> I would love to not be accused of cheating, having affairs etc. I would love the lie detector tests to be trusted. A*I can live with everything else.*
> I HATE working this hard on opening up every avenue to check up on me and still be thought of as being a cheater. It really pisses me off (sorry)


Why? Why the hell would you be willing to live with everything else?
That’s your core problem.

Also, you can’t be trusted by an untrustworthy person. And why would you even care at this point?
Why would you lift a single finger, or utter a single word, or invest any energy whatsoever into responding to / defending her ridiculous accusations?
Just stop tolerating it. Stop responding and dismiss her.
Why are you so weak and powerless in your marriage?


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## ABHale

keyz said:


> This is painful. I love her,It would get really ugly with her if I left.


This isn’t ugly now??

Find where she has locked up your manhood and have some self respect.


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## ABHale

keyz said:


> I would love to not be accused of cheating, having affairs etc. I would love the lie detector tests to be trusted. AI can live with everything else.
> I HATE working this hard on opening up every avenue to check up on me and still be thought of as being a cheater. It really pisses me off (sorry)


Not going to happen with this so called wife.


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## DownByTheRiver

keyz said:


> Loads of things upset her. I am far from innocent. I think I am too loud and defensive when accusations arise. I have been in situations that I could have cheated. I have had sex offered quite a few times, I would be terrified to follow through with that.
> I think you mean things I do wrong. I stress about money, overspending. I like to go to movies (alone if necessary). She is VERY caught up in Covid worry, she is immunodeficient and has leukemia and lymphoma and she has serious bubble rules, I try to be safe, but I am not as safe as she wants.
> 
> Starting over would be very very hard.


You obviously need to be super safe and not just because of covid. This puts a whole new spin on things.


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## Tested_by_stress

She had a lengthy affair while accusing you of doing the same. How could you even stand the sight of her ,let alone want to stay married to her? You should have left her behind a long time ago.


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## Marc878

keyz said:


> I have been married over 30 years and have had my fidelity questioned throughout. I have been accused of being with so many that I can't focus. I have removed so many friends from my life and social media. I am essentially not allowed friends. I work from home. We have been to many therapists, I am not very good at defending myself. I really have never cheated. My wife has admitted to a long affair with her musician boss, I think much of it comes from this. I have taken professional polygraph tests twice. I can't live with being called a liar. She has full access to phone social media (need for work) tracking on phone. Conversations online are questioned and people, customers blocked. She is uninterested in physical touch from me or to me, I need intimacy, the touch of skin, kissing, breath on ears. Should I move on?? I still love her, probably always will. I just want a real life.


If you stay you’ll get more of what you’ve been getting. It’s obvious you can’t make a decision. 
People for the most part don’t change.


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## Marc878

keyz said:


> This is painful. I love her,It would get really ugly with her if I left.


Bud, it’s ugly now. Short term pain versus long term pain. You have a choice.


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## jlg07

keyz said:


> I have been married over 30 years and have had my fidelity questioned throughout. I have been accused of being with so many that I can't focus. I have removed so many friends from my life and social media. I am essentially not allowed friends. I work from home. We have been to many therapists, I am not very good at defending myself. I really have never cheated. My wife has admitted to a long affair with her musician boss, I think much of it comes from this. I have taken professional polygraph tests twice. I can't live with being called a liar. She has full access to phone social media (need for work) tracking on phone. Conversations online are questioned and people, customers blocked. She is uninterested in physical touch from me or to me, I need intimacy, the touch of skin, kissing, breath on ears. Should I move on?? I still love her, probably always will. I just want a real life.


STOP limiting yourself with friends, media, etc. RIGHT NOW. SHE is projecting on you HER cheating character. You stopping this will NOT stop HER attacks, because SHE is the cheater. 
Why would you limit YOURSELF based on lies from a known cheater?

From this limited amount of story you stated here, why would you WANT to stay with someone who cheats on you and treats you so poorly?


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## Lostinthought61

Here is the problem with your original question, you ask a question in which you already know the answer to but every time the poster give you a valid reason to leave her you come back with arguments in support her position. Face it you are too weak to confront her on any level.


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## jlg07

If you are bound and determined to stay with her, you need to tell HER that SHE needs to get counseling to STOP PULLING this accusatory crap with you. She needs to set it up, and follow through and YOU need to see results.
If she's not willing to do that, nothing will change.


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## DudeInProgress

jlg07 said:


> If you are bound and determined to stay with her, you need to tell HER that SHE needs to get counseling to STOP PULLING this accusatory crap with you. She needs to set it up, and follow through and YOU need to see results.
> If she's not willing to do that, nothing will change.


He’s not strong enough to do that. 
If he was, he wouldn’t be so bound and determined to stay at all costs.


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## keyz

Lostinthought61 said:


> Here is the problem with your original question, you ask a question in which you already know the answer to but every time the poster give you a valid reason to leave her you come back with arguments in support her position. Face it you are too weak to confront her on any level.


Where have I supported her position?
Are you speaking of the questions people asked me?


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## Enigma32

@keyz are you really happy with this woman? Is this what you want for your life? Your wife has multiple illnesses and doesn't contribute much. She cheats on you and then punishes YOU for her behavior. Not only did she make you take a lie detector test, but even that wasn't good enough for her. Would you really be content if she left you alone with the accusations? Are your standards actually that low? Man, that's bad.

As for how to handle the accusations, stop addressing them. Ignore all of it. The next time she accuses you of anything, calmly tell her that you never cheated on her, you are not currently cheating on her, and you will never cheat on her. Then say you're done defending yourself from those accusations and you will not talk about it again. Then be good on your word. Ignore accusations or walk away if she wants to keep going with it. Be done with it.


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## frenchpaddy

This woman seems to have a very low self esteem she see you as been the type of man that women would fall for , 
and now that she is sick she seems to be afraid you will leave , she is having at this time some kind of remorse for her past cheating and foolish in thinking that it might make the pain better if she could even think you did the same to her , knowing the times you were away and the times you must have had the chance and can't understand why you did not give her payback for her cheating ,

She might even think you should have kicked her out or reacted more to her cheating , thinking if he is excepting this he must be at it as well , 
AND CHEATERS THINK EVERYONE IS CHEATING BECAUSE THEY THINK EVERYONE THINKS LIKE THEM 

often the best one to see risk is the one that will steal from you 

EVEN with all her sickness both health and mind you need to sit her down and tell her how much her cheating in the past hurt you ,but that it never pushed you to do the same You all so need to talk about the accusations and the other things you have been holding back ,


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