# How to break off communication without starting a fight



## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

So after months of BS, I've said all I have to say, proven my point, shown her I've made huge strides and personal change through hard work and being honest with myself, and left her with it. She's not moving forward or working on her, let alone us, so I'm done.

Not filing yet mainly due to legal/financial reasons... have professionals working on it though, but because of complications due to my "wife" owning shares in my company I need everything in place first. She doesn't want a D anyways....

The problem is, since she won't be part of making a decision on us... she keeps communication open. I don't know how to tell her to stop calling me to "chat" without it turning into a "screw you" or something that COULD damage chance for R in the future IF she comes around and starts back working on her own problems. I don't want it to be an ultimatum either.

Any suggestions? I feel like every time we talk I go back into a tailspin and it takes me a week to get back out of it. Especially since she's still having an EA (her words) with this group of friends and her girlfriend+family


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, have a suggestion. Start treating her according to the 180 (see link below). Do not answer the phone very often when she calls. If she asks why, tell her you were busy, with a customer, your cell fell in the toilet.. whatever. Just cut down on the contact with her.


When you do talk to her, keep it very short and stop talking about anything like emotions, etc.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you told her that for your own emotional healthy you need some "space"?

I'm sure she has used that word ("space") alot in the past!

maybe its time to turn the table on her?

Sorry my man, when it comes to selfish poeple you just can't nice your way out of it.


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

This is gonna sound kind of weird but... how does Facebook fit into that? I stopped using it when we separated for various reasons, but I'd kindof like it back as I have some friends on there I'd like to stay in contact with (just friends, no OW or anything).

Can I delete her as a friend? Is that kosher? Does it really matter?

The reason I'm so cautious in all this is... she "decided" she was ready for a D, then at our last counseling session it was suggested we actually spend some time interacting since we hadn't spent any since the sep. and we (or, I) had made some big changes through IC, etc. So we did, and I showed her I had changed... and something clicked in her, but not enough to let go of her friendship EA. So she's backed away from the abyss, and I invested a hell of a lot of work and pain into showing her I've changed... I don't want to throw that all away because I'm hurt and frustrated and angry, and frankly... lonely as all hell (yes I'm closer to my friends than I have been in years, but there's still a void that can only be filled by a special person, a "lover" I suppose).

But I know at this point I can't keep living the way I am, she needs to try, or decide, or GTFO of my life. I just don't want to make hasty decisions based on emotion... which is why I'm asking complete strangers who have no direct connection to the situation what they suggest I do


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you can make your FB page private and only accept those you want as friends. She will not be able to see the content... unless of course she has a friend who is your friend on FB who lets her see your page.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So in other words she's cake eating.

You made all the changes - she made none

She admits having EA with these people and refuses to give them up
even though she knows your feelings on the situation.

She doesn't want a D because she's getting everything she wants. 
I think it's time to show her that's not the way it's going to be. You seem to be holding onto a last shred of hope that she'll wake up suddenly and want everything to go back to the way things were. 

Stop. It's time for 180 and cutting her out of your personal life.


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