# The guilt is eating my up! (very long)



## Mstook101 (Dec 14, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for less than two years and it has been one rocky road. We have been together for four years and he has been unfaithful twice that I confirmed, and inappropriate on a regular basis (sexually inappropriate conversations with other women). Well about 4 months before we were married we went to premarital counseling and we addressed some issues that we were having (he never admitted to unfaithfulness, just called it hanging with friends). Well needless to say we got married and for the first few months everything was going okay. I then began to notice inappropriate emails, nothing explicit, with him asking other women to have drinks and leaving his phone number for them to contact him. When I addressed these things he would become very angry, at one point I moved out. We decided to go seek counseling for a second time (first while married) and hashed out some things. Well during this time he stopped showing up for sessions and eventually we stopped seeing the counselor. It was then that i stumbled across some photos of him his oldest son (previous relationship) and an infant/toddler. I inquired as to who the child was and he never answered. The next day he confessed to me that the child was his, that he was approached by a lesbian co worker, during a time when we were on a break (this break he was referring to was earlier in our relationship, we were not even committed then)he didn't think he would get married and wanted more children so he "donated" to this coworker. Well, i questioned the validity of the story, which didn't hold water for all the holes in it ( i wont bore you with all the details) he changed some minor details but the time frame still didnt make sense. In his confession, he was STILL lying. Needless to say i was hurt and angry, that he would marry me and not disclose this, AND that we went through not 1 but 2 counselors and he brought up everything under the sun but never mentioned that he had another child during our relationship. My problem is this, I tried (yet again) to work past THIS hurdle, but he started lying and sneaking to visit the other child (he fully intended to be involved with this boy, he signed the birth certificate and everything) when i tried to address the lying and sneaking he stated in no uncertain terms that he" was not going to argue with me over him spending time with his son". I honestly never expected him to accuse me of making him choose between his son and me, regardless of how i felt about the situation. I do not blame this baby! I however can not deal anymore, this relationship is and has been so toxic. But ladies, why do I feel soo guilty?!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Are you feeling guilty? He's the one who's lying and you have a perfect right to leave him.
I can feel you're mad at your lying husband but not guilty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I can't believe you married him. I mean seriously, he gave you multiple RED FLAGS before you walked down the aisle and you still looked past them anyway. Problems like this get WORST after marriage... not better.

But we are past that now, so its pointless to beat you over the head about it. Its rare that i flat out tell somebody to leave a relationship, especially if i see that the couple atleast have a chance at happiness. I am officially telling you to leave this relationship, because your husband will be the only one benefitting here. He gets to rais this young son of HIS, he'll be hesitant on having a child quickly with you, unless he thinks it will help shut you up. Oh, he will still do shady things behind your back and lie about it. Your guilt, its woman's intuition because of a young child being involved. Unless you are 10 years older than him, with very few prospects, i saw pack your stuff and leave out, because this is not the definition of an ideal marriage. Or you could stay, watch him leave to spend time with this other child, probably bang this lesbian girl, who is probably just closet bi, and continue to mess with other women on the side, while you sit at home and cry at night. 

So which scenario would you rather find yourself in 3 months???


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## Mstook101 (Dec 14, 2010)

@ Rob774 You couldn't beat me up more than I did myself. Thank you so much for not sugar coating what should have been painfully obvious.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm going to hijack your thread for a minute and throw a 2x4 at Rob...(lovingly, of course since I do respect him). I'm 10 years older than my SO. I met him when I was 45, and I had plenty of prospects. I just didn't want any.  A woman doesn't have to stay in this type of relationship, regardless of age or so-called "prospects". There. I've had my say. 

Mstook...this man is trickle-truthing and minimizing you to death here. He's not showing any remorse for what's happened, he's not owning what he's done. He's continuing to hurt you, and it looks like he's not going to stop any time soon. You can drag someone to counseling (and kudos to you for going) but unless they can look in the mirror and realize they have a terrible problem, and WANT to change...it's not going to do much good. They have to WANT to do better than what they're doing. 
I can't see personally what good you would be getting out of this marriage. I'm not seeing the redeeming qualities in this man you might be seeing. He's not looking so good right now. Things can be fixed, but it takes BOTH wanting to fix them. He doesn't sound on board to me. I'd get out of this. I don't know WHY you're the one feeling guilty here...HE should be feeling guilty. Guilty enough to move heaven and earth to fix things, but he's not. 
Move on, please. Heal yourself from dealing with this and go forward. Leave him to his messes.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Mstook101 said:


> @ Rob774 You couldn't beat me up more than I did myself. Thank you so much for not sugar coating what should have been painfully obvious.


Well when i give responses, i try not to badger the person and thus be disrespectful, that would defeat the cause with giving a person advice. I'm a transplant from Askmendotcom, and that's how we did things there, i did that to someone here initially, and felt bad about it once one of the m0ds gave me a warning. I'm hoping you make a decision here, you atleast sound like a good person, life's too short to live in misery. And when you finally leave... you'll kick yourself for not doing it sooner.



major misfit said:


> I'm going to hijack your thread for a minute and throw a 2x4 at Rob...(lovingly, of course since I do respect him). I'm 10 years older than my SO. I met him when I was 45, and I had plenty of prospects. I just didn't want any.  A woman doesn't have to stay in this type of relationship, regardless of age or so-called "prospects". There. I've had my say.
> 
> Ha-ha, i meant it in a hypathetical way, assuming that she was not much older and less attractive, basically saying she can still land a guy immediately. Vs woman, who may feel as though they have to put up with BS, because they are dating a younger good looking guy and they don't want to lose that attention and praise they recieve for catching said guy. I know a woman like this.
> 
> ...


And don't be surprised when he tries to beg you back. See guys aren't stupid, they realize that they have a good woman, even they are taking advantage of them. When that good woman is gone or is slipping away, some humble themselves and try to win them back. Don't fall for this!!! Whatever changes they make will be temporary, and remember that kid... is going nowhere.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Rob, apparently you've never been to a VFW on a saturday night. It's like a hunting ground for senior citizens!! (I don't go often..my SO and I will go for an hour or so when his folks are out dancing). The men are just as bad as the women...and there have been plenty of "hook ups", and relationships formed. Most won't marry b/c of social security (or death benefits) issues, lol. You have all these 70 and 80-somethings shacking up. 

OP..I will agree that he's likely going to try to get you back if you decide to walk. He would have to do some real, serious work on himself that would take plenty of time. You got time? Ok. But in the meantime I'd go on with my life, guilt free. GUILT FREE.


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