# New to site... But in dire need of help



## Driftwood (Nov 1, 2007)

Hello,

Okay, I have a problem and I am not sure how to processed. I have been married for just shy of 5 years and this past year has been the worst. my wife and I have had a good relationship up until our child was born. Well that is when I started seeing a problem. I love my wife with every part of my being and I admit, I am no where near a perfect husband but how do I go about a change when she cant get past the past.
Let me explain, a few months ago I made the worst mistake of our marriage, I put my hands on my wife. Now I did not beat her but I did grab her up (by what she's says) by her face and pinned her on the bed during an arguement. I know that what I did was wrong and I am doing what i can to think about that everyday so that I never let it happen again. I hate myself for letting it happen but it did happen. Since then our marriage has gone from just a few bumps to a living nightmare.
A little info about me and my wife... I am 30, she just turned 25. We are dirt poor, living from paycheck to paycheck with no assistance. In Missouri we live just well enough not to be able to receive state assistance. I am currently unemployed (I have a job but never work), my wife is a full time Asst. Manager in food service. The reason for this is my wife was a full time college student while I worked full time til she was offered a better job... one that could pay our bills... since my job was seasonal. The reason I do not work now is because my wife works way toooooo much and I never seem to get any sleep with being the house husband. My wife and I very much want to find a way to make this relationship better and for that I have some issues that need to be addressed. 
This is where I need everyones help because I am at a loss. My wife and I were both raised in Disfuncional, abusive families. She became with drawn afraid of any kind of confrontation, Myself, I became Confrontive, Defensive, argumentive. This has created a lot of walls in our marriage, as you can imagine. My wife says my biggest problem is that I am an angry person. This is something that I do not see so much. I am furstrated because she is so distant from me. I admit, I dont handle confrontation very well... I am a fighter. I dont want to be the fighter in this marriage but apperently I cant not figure a way to change it. 
On top of that, I have always been in trouble... my entire life. I have been a marijuana user since I was 13. I don't drink, or use any other drugs. I currently have a pending felony case pending that could send me back to prison for 2 to 7 years. Not set in stone but could. I had a toothache and had a couple of pain killers from family that I got caught with. I have been out of trouble for the past 9 years. All I ever wanted was to have a family and settle down. Which I have now.
Which brings me back to the reason I am here... My wife is at the end of our relationship, I beleive. I dont want to lose her and am willing to try anything that might save my marriage. I have an anger problem, my wife is afraid that I will get physical again and that next time it will be worse. Neither one of us want this, and I am not sure what I can do to change or prove that I will not let it happen again. Like I said we are dirt poor, and my wife is not will to see a Minister. Which is the only place for free councling. So I have turned here for a little councling with ya'll.
I dont have friends that I can turn to in this type of situation. I am not a very trusting person, and sort of an anti-socialist. I want so very much to change this parts of my life but am to scared to do it on my own, I guess. I need help to find different was to handle my anger. My wife says that I talk to her like she is a kid when i am angry... myself I call it being blunt and to the point... this i must find a way to change to... Justifying... this is something that I must change.. I would love to hear any and all suggestions. Please no matter how blunt... I have left many ways to contact me on my profile, if you choose. I am afraid that my wife is going to leave if I can not find a way to change some of these thing and make a noticeable difference. This is why I am here, I to make some new friends that can help me. The things I did not share earlier is that I am a great listener (when not being attacked) and have always been good help for other but could never get it to work for me. Well to all that have taken the time to read my life thank you and hope to maybe hear from some of you soon.

Thanks,
Driftwood.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I will break this down over several posts because I see so much that needs to be discussed.

marijuana ~ 

40.1% of the U.S. population has tried it.
10.4% of the population has used it in the last month.

Marijuana abuse is associated with many detrimental health effects. These effects can include frequent respiratory infections, impaired memory and learning, increased heart rate, anxiety, panic attacks and tolerance. Daily cough and phlegm production, more frequent acute chest illnesses, a heightened risk of lung infections, and a greater tendency toward obstructed airways. Cancer of the respiratory tract and lungs may also be promoted by marijuana smoke. Marijuana has the potential to promote cancer of the lungs and other parts of the respiratory tract because marijuana smoke contains 50 percent to 70 percent more carcinogenic hydrocarbons than does tobacco smoke.

215,665 emergency department visits in 2005 alone.
128 deaths in 2005 from Marijuana.
The Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) reported 5,599 marijuana-related arrests during 2005.
12.7% of state prisoners and 12.4% of Federal prisoners were serving time for a marijuana-related offense
United States v. Oakland Cannabis Club the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that Marijuana has no medical value
Marijuana has psychoactive and physiological effects when consumed
Marijuana effects peoples moods, and the regular use of it can make people violent.
Marijuana can effect pleasure, memory, thought, concentration, sensory and time perception, and coordinated movement.
withdrawal in chronically exposed animals leads to an increase in the activation of the stress-response system (dopamine)
High doses increasing pain

*****************************

So the first thing I will say is stop the pot. It is illegal. IT Can get you into jail. You are already facing a charge for drugs. It isn't as harmless as what people claim.

It might be why you "don't remember", or had a Dopamine / Epinephrine reaction (IE a violent burst ). WHich is your greatest problem right now.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> Let me explain, a few months ago I made the worst mistake of our marriage, I put my hands on my wife. Now I did not beat her but I did grab her up (by what she's says) by her face and pinned her on the bed during an arguement. I know that what I did was wrong and I am doing what i can to think about that everyday so that I never let it happen again. I hate myself for letting it happen but it did happen. Since then our marriage has gone from just a few bumps to a living nightmare.


Most people that are physically abuse promise they will never do it again. Your wife has a reason to mistrust you. It will be years of good behavior to erase this from her mind. On average it will be 2-5. I am sure she fears less for herself but more for her child that by the sounds of it you are the primary care giver.

Can you blame her? You blame all of your issues stretch back to an abusive childhood. Now you are all the things you hate.

The first thing you need to do is learn anger management and humility. Since you claim to not be able to go to councilling (which I think is important) then do this go once a month (per week prefered) to an AA meeting.

It doesn't matter if you are an alcoholic or not. I go with my father in law every year to his annual. There is NOTHING more humbling in the world then to be there. Learn what it is like when you can't control a behavior and LOSE EVERYTHING.

Consider it free therapy. You need to understand yourself and what you are doing to those around you. You need the reminder. You need to know it is always one day at a time and every decision matters.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

> The reason I do not work now is because my wife works way toooooo much


She may feel like she has too.



> We are dirt poor, living from paycheck to paycheck with no assistance.


If you switched who was working and who was home you'd both get sleep share the house work and do better overall.



> my wife is a full time Asst. Manager in food service..


That can be very demanding. Then again she maybe using work to mask her home life.

ANother thing to consider is if she hasn't finished her college she maybe feeling depressed that she has had to give up on her life's ambition.

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Learn how to communicate with your wife and to control your temper at all costs.

draconis


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## kajira (Oct 4, 2007)

You may want to seek anger management counseling, due to your history. I do commend you for acknowledging there is an issue. Calm, communication is going to be key. You obvioulsy can articulate yoru situation, perhaps write your feelings down as a guide to disscussing this with your spouse and as ask her to to the same. Mabye this way you can each take a amoment and "listen" to what each other has to say.


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