# Think I'm just getting a divorce...



## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

I posted about a year ago when I found all this out. I'd link to the thread but I don't know how. Here's the shortest overview I can put down:

Got married at 19. Wanted to go to grad school, wife decided she wanted to have a baby. Because I was young, dumb, obsessed, a beta, etc., etc. I went with it. That's the way I treated all of my wife's demands for years.

Early on I LOVED her so much. I'd tell her I loved her and she'd say "thank you". I'd try to kiss her and she'd turn her face. I questioned her on it numerous times and was told that she was just not raised to display her emotions....:sleeping:

She treated me like ****, gave me the silent treatment, was jealous of me and accused me of affairs (which I've never had). We continued to have kids and have 4 beautiful kids now. 

I'm 29, STBXW is 33. 

About a year ago she falsely accused me of an affair. Somehow since she was so convinced I was having an affair she let the cat out of the bag. She texted me something along the lines of "I've had times in my life when all of my mental and emotional stimulation came with time spent with another man". 

So I start prying. Turns out my wife has been having secret (but not explicitly sexual) email/FB/cell/text/in person conversations with a string of men throughout our entire marriage. 

She tells me that she had an inappropriate relationship with my BROTHER and my pastor. I get the trickle truth and get 30 different stories. She deleted all of her emails for the 2 years pre-DDay so I'll never really know what was said in those emails. She denies that there was ever a PA, but she's lied to me so many times I don't trust her. 

She told me some very hurtful things over the months after DDay. She told me she never really loved me during our marriage. She essentially used me. Looking back I saw the red flags, and even questioned her, but I wanted to believe she loved me. 

What makes things worse is she says she HAS loved other men including a previous crush who was not interested in her ( Iwas the next person she dated and then married); my BROTHER; and one other person she knew before, and communicated with (secretly) during our marriage. 

I wanted to forgive her and move on since we have 4 kids together. I still want nothing more than to LOVE MY WIFE again. But I can't. 

I feel constant resentment towards her. I still feel humiliation and betrayal. I find myself staying out late and avoiding coming home because I don't want to see her. I hate the way she makes me feel about myself for staying with her. I've lost my self-confidence majorly and feel completely inadequate. I just can't believe I let myself be manipulated for so long. 

And she still manipulates me. I feel SO guilty about getting a divorce and she plays on it. I was raised to believe in no divorce without physical infidelity which she denies. I believe she may have been physically unfaithful, but it's not really required to ruin my marriage. She's already ruined my relationship with my church and family and myself.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

Stop feeling guilty. File for D. 

How is your relation with your Brother, your pastor and your parents? Use your parents to pressure your brother and possible your pastor. You might get some more info that way to lessen your guilt in filing D.

Anyways, you are living in hell and there is no way out except by D. That kind of Life is not benificial for your kids or you. Filde for D because of your kids!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude you are 29 years old. Statistically once past childhood your life expectancy will be slightly in excess of 80!

DONT WASTE THE NEXT 51 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE!

File. All I can say is in 3 mos, 6 mos, a year... DO put a wonderful woman into your life again. Read MMSM etc to be a better mix of alpha and beta.

Alpha attracts. Beta holds. To much of either means failure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce your brother and out the pastor on Cheaterville.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

Well I put a deposit on a new rental for myself today. Told STBX and I came back home and she's just a complete wreck sobbing on the bed. 

I know she brought this on herself, and I just don't feel love for her anymore. 

But I feel SOOO guilty about this for some reason. I'm trying to hold fast.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> Well I put a deposit on a new rental for myself today. Told STBX and I came back home and she's just a complete wreck sobbing on the bed.
> 
> I know she brought this on herself, and I just don't feel love for her anymore.
> 
> _But I feel SOOO guilty about this for some reason._ I'm trying to hold fast.



Just reread your first post. Write the highlights down, leave the note in your wallet and whenever you feel guilty re-read the note. Remind her gently of her words and actions. The loss you are feeling will fade.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Have your children tested for paternity.
3. Get the best lawyer you can find.

Good luck.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Divorce your brother and out the pastor on Cheaterville.com
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Um... divorce your brother?

:scratchhead:

OK beat the crap out of him and post HIS azz on cheaterville, too!


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## Harden1313 (May 28, 2013)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> Well I put a deposit on a new rental for myself today. Told STBX and I came back home and she's just a complete wreck sobbing on the bed.
> 
> I know she brought this on herself, and I just don't feel love for her anymore.
> 
> But I feel SOOO guilty about this for some reason. I'm trying to hold fast.


Just blew my wife in to her command and I know the guilty feeling. It is impossible to switch gears from caring and protecting her to doing something which could be conceived as hurting her despite what she did and not feel guilt. At least that is my experience right now. My wife had a threesome with a couple and lied her way out of it four years ago and wound up letting some POS slap his meat into her twice while she was on military deployment a few weeks ago. Why do I feel guilty? She is my wife, I have spent 14 years with her and in a couple weeks I'm supposed to change all that? Well no....but what I do is try and remember what she has done. When you are used you become codependent. You will do anything to maintain the status quo. I have bought into her ****e about how I can't do anything on my own so much that I actually sit here wondering if it just wouldn't be easier to reconcile despite all of it. It's SICK!! This is what minipulative women do to well intentioned guys. My worries now are about my family and myself. i suggest you do the same.


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

I just feel so freaking depressed. Even worse than when all this came out a year ago. 

I'm frustrated with myself as well, because I WANTED to make this work because of the kids. I want to be in love with the mother of my children. 

But I just can't get past my resentment, and it's just too hard. She's now been sobbing for hours and I feel so sorry for her, and then I realize that she's the one who's put me through years of misery. 

Part of me still wants R, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to love her again.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

To the original poster, why is your wife so upset? If she never loved you? Always had other men? Cheated on you? And even when you are finding another apartment and dumping her, still not telling you the truth, that she loves you, etc.? Meal ticket?


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

I would assume it's the meal ticket factor. She says she loves me now and realizes how bad she F'ed up. 

I've been a freaking great husband to her. I gave her everything she wanted, I worked my way through law school, and would now be in a position to really start reaping the benefits of my hard work. 

Sadly because of her actions and my inability to forgive we're both losing out on what I've worked so hard for. 

My wife has serious mental issues but she is afraid to go get them diagnosed. She literally thinks that God appeared to her 6 months ago (when I was threatening D).

In a lot of ways she has improved. She tries not to nag me. She avoids the temptation of having another EA/PA by basically cutting contact with all men. (WTF wants to be with a woman who can't remain faithful without ever seeing another man?!)


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Again. 51 more years. 

Find a loving replacement. Picture in your mind a yearish or something from now. You say "I love you" you get "I love you" said right back! You kiss her, no turning of the head and she surprises you not with just a kiss but a lil bit o the tongue... The intensity of that first sex after the first "I love you"...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

doubletrouble said:


> Um... divorce your brother?
> 
> :scratchhead:
> 
> OK beat the crap out of him and post HIS azz on cheaterville, too!


Yep! Divorce the creep! Cut him off. Make him not your brother!
Family forum: Is it possible to divorce your family? | Life and style | The Guardian


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Again. 51 more years.



And again. You have about 50 years to go. Is this what you want for the next 50 years?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Why can you not use the D as leverage to get her to a psychiatrist?

It is possible that psychosis could be at the root of her cheating? And if that is the case, getting put on meds and treatment may cause her to "wake up" and start acting like a loving wife. 

She should be willing to endure the stigma of possibly being diagnosed with mental illness if it means she might get to keep her marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is how you start getting over the guilt:

You realize that she doesn't care if she hurts you. She doesn't care. 

You have cared about her and she has cared about herself. Nobody has cared about you.

No need for guilt. You've given 10 years already. That's enough. Nothing to feel guilty about.

Your brother? She really doesn't care. You have been completely taken for granted.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

I feel for you. 

This situation is not you, it's her. 

Cheating is a reflection on the cheater. It says they have poor judgement, that they're selfish, that their own needs are worth bull dozing someone elses life. Their kids are worth less to them than sex. 

Like you I did the best I could for my wife. And like you I also was punished for being kind. 

You may aswell let go of your resentment. Once that goes so will your love (if there was any left to begin with) 

I've seen it myself first hand how love can warp into anger or resentment, and it's all that's left.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> She says she loves me now and realizes how bad she F'ed up.


Women always say that when they get caught with their britches down and/or their old man files. It's woman talk for, "gee wiz, women are suppose to do the leaving. What are the other gals going to think when my old man left me? I'm going to look like crap."
My man, you'd be an idiot to stay with this dame. She's a starter wife and a disloyal harpy at that. Besides, she older. If you'd make it that long, when you're 65, she'd be pushing 70. God help those guys married to "cougars'' 10-15 years older. Get yourself one 10 years younger and you'll have something you can stand to look at when you get my age. (but don't marry one under 25.)
I know this sounds even more cynical but its true. Don't stay married for the kids. They are not going to be better off in a home with a bad marriage. Additionally, they will blame you for every shortcoming in their life anyway.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> Well I put a deposit on a new rental for myself today. Told STBX and I came back home and she's just a complete wreck sobbing on the bed.
> 
> I know she brought this on herself, and I just don't feel love for her anymore.
> 
> But I feel SOOO guilty about this for some reason. I'm trying to hold fast.


She never loved you.

She doesn't love you.

She never will love you.

BUT, she does know how to manipulate you.

I see no other option but divorce.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Vag got between my brother and I one time. That sucks. Get a D now. Youll probably will patch things with your brother down the road. The blood/water thing.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Vag got between my brother and I one time. That sucks. Get a D now. Youll probably will patch things with your brother down the road. The blood/water thing.


Well the old saying of "Bro's before Ho's" really doesn't mean much in these cases.

I could never forgive my Brother, as I would expect that he could never forgive me. I'm not saying that I would never talk to my Brother again, but there would never be more than the bare minimum to hold a given conversation.

Sorry, but once that line were crossed with me, there would be no going back.

You don't get a "do over" when this level of honor is betrayed.


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

Well I'm going to jump to my brother's defense here. I think he definitely went overboard, but I don't think he had any idea what was going on. He had some blurred boundaries, and my wife did not specifically discuss sex with him (as far as I can tell, although she did delete 2 years worth of emails). 

In her fantasy world I was dead so she could marry him in Christian incest-in-law splendor.

I was definitely angry at him, and I still have only talked to him a few times since all this happened. From what I did see there were quasi inappropriate emails and FB messages which were worse because they were clandestine. Also they had plenty of personal contact and totally could have had sex, although both adamantly deny it. 

UPDATE:

So now she's sending messages to my extended family and friends (who are of the anti-divorce persuasion) to have them contact me. 

This crap pisses me off so bad.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> So now she's sending messages to my extended family and friends (who are of the anti-divorce persuasion) to have them contact me.


If these folks contact you urging R, tell them to come live w her. 

.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> UPDATE:
> 
> So now she's sending messages to my extended family and friends (who are of the anti-divorce persuasion) to have them contact me.
> 
> This crap pisses me off so bad.


This is easy. When they contact you all , very calmly explain to them that she had a physical affair with who-knows-how-many-men, that you asked her to stop and be a decent wife, and she proceeded to have an affair with YOUR BROTHER. 

Then explain you were willing to forgive if she had shown any evidence of genuine remorse or demonstrated any action to prove willingness to change, but since she only cried crocodile tears AFTER there was a cost to her choices, that you are exercising your right to divorce your wife due to sexual immorality as Jesus taught in the book of Matthew. 

The. End.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The CWI TAM army stands behind you. Not as good as the family but you are NOT alone. A bunch of guys and a few women, often sharing a common bond, a bad one, but a common bond. One other commonality. Id also say jokes aside, the average IQ is well over 100. Many of us have specialties. Mine are investigation and doormat threads. Mach is attraction etc...

Again you are NOT alone. Anyone else raise one eyebrow reading the pastor was being inappropriate?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> Well I'm going to jump to my brother's defense here. I think he definitely went overboard, but I don't think he had any idea what was going on. He had some blurred boundaries, and my wife did not specifically discuss sex with him (as far as I can tell, although she did delete 2 years worth of emails).
> 
> In her fantasy world I was dead so she could marry him in Christian incest-in-law splendor.
> 
> ...


My ex hb did the same thing, that's what they do when they're desperate. My ex had HIS friends that I didn't even know that well calling me, that's how desperate he was. Ignore it and refuse to discuss it, don't let it upset you. Please remember that she doesn't love you and never did; you don't turn your head away when someone you love tries to kiss you. Also remember that there's a fine line between mental problems and extreme manipulation. She saw God? Ha, God has been used to manipulate and control people since the dawn of man. She's worried about her own a$$ now, 
as soon as she thinks you're back to stay she'll become who she was again.


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> This is easy. When they contact you all , very calmly explain to them that she had a physical affair with who-knows-how-many-men, that you asked her to stop and be a decent wife, and she proceeded to have an affair with YOUR BROTHER.
> 
> Then explain you were willing to forgive if she had shown any evidence of genuine remorse or demonstrated any action to prove willingness to change, but since she only cried crocodile tears AFTER there was a cost to her choices, that you are exercising your right to divorce your wife due to sexual immorality as Jesus taught in the book of Matthew.
> 
> The. End.


I don't have PROOF of a physical affair. I do have admissions and proof of a string of EAs, lots of bad treatment, and some weird mental health issues. 

I don't believe her when she denies the PA...I feel like it could go either way, but I simply do not trust her.


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> The CWI TAM army stands behind you. Not as good as the family but you are NOT alone. A bunch of guys and a few women, often sharing a common bond, a bad one, but a common bond. One other commonality. Id also say jokes aside, the average IQ is well over 100. Many of us have specialties. Mine are investigation and doormat threads. Mach is attraction etc...
> 
> Again you are NOT alone. Anyone else raise one eyebrow reading the pastor was being inappropriate?


Thanks, I really appreciate the support. I thought I had an IQ well over 100, but then I fell for her stupid sh*t for far too long and now I second guess how the hell I got through grad school:scratchhead:


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## Don'tknowwhattothink (Jul 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> My ex hb did the same thing, that's what they do when they're desperate. My ex had HIS friends that I didn't even know that well calling me, that's how desperate he was. Ignore it and refuse to discuss it, don't let it upset you. Please remember that she doesn't love you and never did; you don't turn your head away when someone you love tries to kiss you. Also remember that there's a fine line between mental problems and extreme manipulation. She saw God? Ha, God has been used to manipulate and control people since the dawn of man. She's worried about her own a$$ now,
> as soon as she thinks you're back to stay she'll become who she was again.


This is exactly what I worry about the most. I admit I broke into her FB last night. 

Saw her giving a partially true version of events to one of her friends. Sort of a mutual friend. She made herself look much better of course, and tried to demonize me for not going to church. 

I stopped going to church when my wife confessed to having an inappropriate relationship with my pastor and then later confessed to have had sexual fantasies about every pastor we'd ever had:banghead: Of course she doesn't tell that to her friend. She doesn't mention to her friend that her friend's GRANDFATHER (this guy has to be pushing 80) is one such pastor that my wife confessed to fantasizing about:rofl:

I feel like such a fool for being with her. I feel far too "pastory" now that she says she loves me. 

I guess what really disturbs me about myself is that I have the same faith as I've had before. But it's been shaken to the core, and now I am extremely bitter about going to church, taking away yet another facet of my life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> She never loved you.
> 
> She doesn't love you.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is almost the EXACT thing I was going to post! Dont fall for the tears, its all an act.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> I guess what really disturbs me about myself is that I have the same faith as I've had before. But it's been shaken to the core, and *now I am extremely bitter about going to church, taking away yet another facet of my life*.



It's not the pastors' fault. It's not the church's fault.

It's her fault.

And it becomes part of your fault (or burden/responsibility to bear) if you continue to stay with her or reconcile.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Don'tknowwhattothink said:


> She tells me that she had an inappropriate relationship with my BROTHER and my pastor.


Think of me as a firefighter and you're in a burning building, grab my shoulder and let me lead you to safety... here we go... as we move through the building, I'm taking you through the hardest route to get out, you ask "why are we going this way", and I tell you, "trust me, it's the safest way out", and you say, "but it's easier if we go that way", and I say, "the easy way out happens to be the one that will kill you, trust me, don't let go of my coat and watch your head"!

You've tried the easy route and you're still stuck, do the hard thing and get out before it kills you.

T


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> You've tried the easy route and you're still stuck, do the hard thing and get out before it kills you.


*^^^ AGREED ^^^*

I've seen other posters refer to some WS's as "broken"...

I can't think of a better example than your wife.

Sorry

.


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