# Angry and hurt over no wedding rings.....



## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I have been struggling with my husbands moodiness and behavior. He seems to be trying, the last 3 weeks have been great, we have had some major conversations on the above. He has also put in for retirement which he says was a big issue for him. 

Its a long story but we are coming up on our 2nd anniversary and we still do not have wedding rings. I'll spare you the details but this has been a serious point of contention for me. We had a wonderful courthouse wedding but he wanted to exchange rings during a ceremony so we postponed the rings - he also wants to have them made and early on put some effort into a design.

For whatever reason he has made one excuse after another - I have told him I do not need a ceremony but the rings are special to me. 

We had a serious discussion about this in January that we would have this done and plan a ceremony and our "due date" was going to be our 2nd anniversary. 

It came out yesterday by accident when I made a comment about our upcoming ceremony (an idea of what we should do)...it came out that he does not plan on a having a ceremony, I was shocked and mentioned our agreement to have this done by our anniv and he says we will but we have other things happening and it will have to wait.... No specifics really, and the worst part of it is that he now claims he doesn't remember that we agreed to a "date". 

He says it will happen but he is so vague and I don't believe him anymore. I am so angry with him - he says a happy marriage isn't about a ring. I think he is missing the point entirely. I have offered to help with the rings, do it for us, but this whole thing feels like a power play to me, a sad one.

I am beside myself, in truth a ring is just a thing but I don't know, I am so angry right now I can't see straight. 

This has blossomed into a huge issue between us, on one hand it is just a ring/ceremony but it just hurts that we make time for so many things but something important to me never makes it to the top of the priority list. We are planning a retirement party for him, a get together for his bday, a visit from his friends....

At this point he expects me to let the topic go, stop making such a big deal out of it as it will happen at some point. 

And yet I am so furious I can hardly look at him. I do not want to be passive aggressive but I honestly do not know what to do with my hurt right now. I have told him time and again how much I would like for us to have rings but my words seem to fall on deaf ears. I feel like I have had to "beg" for rings and the whole situation makes me ill, this should be a simple sweet thing and its everything but that.

Thank you for listening, Leah


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## Dopey33 (Mar 15, 2011)

I'm with you on this one. You want to be happy for the marriage and your husband but in my opinion, a ring IS a pretty big symbol. True, it's materialistic but there are so few people that are truely ok with getting rid of all the materialistic pieces from their life.
If money is maybe the issue with designing your own rings. Could you possibly look into just designing them without a commitment to purchase them? That way you might be able to just get an idea of price. Then the two of you could sit down and discuss how to get to that price. Whether it is taking money from your funds immediately or creating a monthly savings towards them. Working towards something is better than being left in limbo.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Hello, 

fyi - Money has never been the issue. Either one of us could pay for them and we already agreed on our budget. He actually set more money aside for them than I was planning on spending. I was surprised and thought it very sweet at the time.

The jeweler had the rendering done nearly 2 years ago - we already paid for that. I told him if he changed his mind, its ok, we can go with someone else or shop for something already made.

None of that is the issue. I asked him if he simply doesn't want to wear one (he uses his hands alot) but he says he does, that is not the issue either.

Leah


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Sounds like he doesn't want the label or a clue to others that he is married. Does not seem like marriage material sorry.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

hmm...he wouldn't have a surprise ring coming would he?


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

Well, that unfortunately makes me cry because it is a resounding no.

I thought that the case for our 1st anniversary, he seemingly hinted and arranged us to be in a place we first met. I didn't blame him at the time and he acknowledged he had kind of "set me up" to think that but he also did not apologize at the time or since.

So he made it very clear he would not surprise me in the future. 

He told me yesterday that he had called the jeweler and that our renderings had been lost so they are gone. I am not sure if he really called but unfortunately yesterday I was so upset and frustrated he left his email open and I'm ashamed to admit I snooped. He has had no contact with the jeweler since 2009. He also has the renderings....they are right there from 2009, the rings are beautiful, I had never seen them before. 

So he has the renderings and he lied to me.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Honey, if he doesn't want to look like he is married, he isn't going to act like he is either. This is a huge red flag to me. He also lied about them. Another huge flag. I would do some more snooping. I doubt this will be the end of what you find. Trust your gut. What is it telling you?


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

I wish I knew, other than feeling something is wrong. Everything is backwards, he pursued me for marriage.....like he pushed to marry at the courthouse instead of waiting.

No other woman...my gut says no on that but it would seem the obvious conclusion. He has been with me too much and frankly, I snooped on that too! I had a sudden shock of what if I was one of those gals who finds out her husband has 3 other wives! I tore through everything, and its all terribly clean - I feel like a jerk now too. Here I am snooping of all things, its not me but I am at a loss anymore. 

If I had to guess I feel a mix of he is afraid we won't work out and he is hesitant....doesn't make sense I know. I asked him if he wasn't sure he wanted to be married, I would rather know that and just deal with it. But again he says he wants marriage, and he is in it for the long haul.

Another part its almost like a punishment....again, doesn't make sense. Its like he does little things to get my hopes up....but maybe it is my wishful thinking. 

But he did promise this time, we had fun talking and I was writing notes and scribbling at the time, it was his damn birthday, hardly something I would forget...I still have the notes, we toasted over a glass of wine our new "plan". it was so sweet. Now its like it was a dream, a figment of my imagination the way he denies it. 

fyi - I have decided to talk to a MC, I figure it can't hurt.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You got married at the courthouse. Did he tell any of his family that he did this? Why is a wedding ring something he is so hesitant about? This sounds very fishy to me. Very. 
I have no idea how old you are and I don't know your financial situation but you did mention that money isn't the obstacle to getting rings. Him pushing for a wedding at the courthouse instead of waiting sounds odd to me. Can you go in to further detail? 
If he is in it for the "long haul", wedding rings are kind of a given, IMO. Hell, any wedding includes rings!


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

sorry...didn't mean to make you leaky

very odd

Are you sure he has money? Could be a con artist.


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## Leah L (Jan 11, 2011)

No need to apologize, I got myself into this so my "leaky" is my fault!

Our finances are solid, we combined and I see it all. We both are established, have/had careers. I did give mine up to join him as we were living in adjacent cities. We didn't live together prior to marriage but were together for 4 years so I didn't expect any surprises. 

Courthouse - I would have done the courthouse in any event, but just with rings. We went ahead without rings because his best friends happened to be coming into the area from very far away and the idea was to go forward without the rings so they could be there for our witnesses. It was great, honestly. 

I was totally fine with waiting for the rings, as he also wanted to travel home and have a party/"ceremony" and exchange the rings with friends and family. At the time it was all good, I felt like we were prolonging the fun if anything. It got weird about 3 months after the courthouse, we were feeling a bit rushed admittedly but everything was on schedule, but he did start acting really stressed and it was awful. He's not perfect but I love him and his "faults" seemed totally normal. I'm not that young anymore nor naive.....

Anyway, this was the first time he really acted strange....he was terrible, just rotten to be around, everything wasn't "right" and he flipped out about a month before the event and canceled everything claiming it wasn't "fun and should be fun". It was awful, I was stunned. We already had tickets, dress...

To be honest, I love him but it was unbelievable at the time I left for my home in another city and we were apart for a month or so and we slowly reconciled. I chalked it up to a very unfortunate event and we agreed how to fix it. Since then we got a place, moved in together, and it has been mostly good, great at times but this undercurrent is there - I realize now he is far moodier then I ever realized and he/we are working on that because some of his behavior is unacceptable to me. 

As I said, I believe he is trying and so now that you know the beginning, perhaps it explains why this is so disturbing to me. This was a BIG deal early on - if we hadn't been already married...I am so sorry to say this but I would have in the least postponed our wedding, I may even have left him to be honest. 

I'm glad I didn't given I see so much potential, and we can be so good together. Its weird, I loved being his girlfriend all those years, but I don't understand what is happening now that we are married. I am perplexed, I really am. 

Thanks for listening, it helps getting feedback, he is very much trying to make me feel like I am being ridiculous right now and ruining everything. I feel bad because he has a special event this weekend, I will be there for him of course but this is hanging over me, I can't shake it. I don't want to be passive aggressive but he very much wants me to act like everything is fine and let the ring issue go. He says I have too much time on my hands and I'm "making up problems". 

Leah


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