# Boyfriend admitted he's not attracted to me! Men's point of view?



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!

We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years. 

I finally fell for him back in March and we've been together since. BUT...there have been lots of issues. 

He works out of state during the week so he's gone weekly and home every weekend. We spend every single weekend together and then some (extra time that he's off).

Here are some of the issues and I'd love a man's point of view -

He NEVER made it obvious he was looking at other women around us when we were just friends. I NEVER noticed and I did look for it sometimes.

Now that we are together, he always has his eyes on some chic that is walking by or in our vicinity. He knows it makes me uncomfortable, but does it anyway. I never say anything at that moment. I just tell him sometimes how I see he's always looking at chics.

He NEVER compliments me - unless it's something to do w/ my work (and that's extremely rare). 

He is VERY insecure for many reasons and has admitted it months back. He calls himself fat all the time still. But I feel like he's been reflecting his insecurities on me the past 4 mts and making me feel bad about myself. (different ugly comments he's made)

It took me 8.5 yrs to fall for him and once I did....I find him 100% attractive now. That's how I am...I love deeply and wholly!

Well - due to neglect (sexually and emotionally), I asked him a few weeks ago if he is not attracted to me. He said he wasn't sure....and then ended up ultimately saying that he's not. I was not shocked (due to some of his behaviors), but I was hurt deeply. Of course, I can't make someone find me attractive. The more upset I feel, the less I want to get out and do - so jumping up and running to the gym everyday does not sound fun and I don't think I should have to. Yes, I've gained some weight in these past 9 yrs, but I'm not ridiculously big. 

But - WHY be w/ someone you are not attracted to? He wants us together ALL the time!! For the first time since early April, I was going to stay home last weekend and not go to his house (he has moved 3 hrs away - we switch off weekends going back and forth). He didn't like that at all!! I just told him I was going to stay home and didn't give him a reason. He kept hinting and finally asked me to just come up. So I gave in...and I did. With that being said....again, he always wants us together. 

He also told me that he's "trying" to love me. After 8.5 yrs of chasing me and not giving up (though he did finally accept we were only going to be friends here in the past year), and now finally winning me (I don't mean that in an egotistacal way), he can't say he loves me!?!?!?!? He told me recently that it's almost slipped a few times, but he had to stop himself because he didn't want to say something if he wasn't sure if he meant it. Talk about a punch in the gut!!!

To be CLEAR, I've never tried to get him to tell me he loves me. I have told him I love him a number of times, but have never made a big deal about him not reciprocating. Would I love to hear it?? YES! But I would NEVER try to get him to say it or ask him questions about it. I have been giving him time. 

I feel he's resentful for the past 9 yrs of me not liking him the same way he liked me. I can't help that! But he says he's NOT resentful. HOWEVER...he has made some resentful comments that lead me to believe he really is.

So what we have here is a relationship where we see each other a minimum of every weekend and then somet weekdays as well (when he's working from home or we go on a trip).

He tells me he wants me and no one else. He tells me I'm enough for him. YET.....he's not attracted to me???? He said he's attracted to what's on the inside and that's the most important part. I get that...BUT you have to be attracted physically as well. I don't believe that he's NOT attraced to me in some form or fashion - otherwise how could he be w/ me like he is??? He told me that he doesn't think I'm ugly. LOL, gee thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!! He told me that his one picture I posted on a fishing trip we were on was very beautiful. He then said, "So, it's not like I'm not attracted to you AT ALL." 

He talks out of both sides of his mouth!!!

Also - one very important thing to mention is he has male issues. I hate to put that in writing, but it is an important part of this puzzle. I'll just say he has a hard time pleasing me. BUT - that's okay. I've told him over and over that it's okay and that we can work through it. At the beginning, he just kept saying, "If you don't leave me! If you're not gone by then." I assured him over and over that I'm not every going anywhere and I've NEVER complained about this issues. Ever!! BUT...he's also stropped trying to please me. I have to initiate sex every single time as of recently (and honestly 9 times out of 10 since day 1). I know he has some insecurities in that area, but he's not even TRYING anymore!! 

I'm hurt. I'm scared. I'm full of anxiety daily. I love him unconditionally and I'm not getting the same in return...YET he tells me he wants this relationship and wants me and no one else.

Seeing that he is always eyeballing other women in front of me...I'm so scared he's going to do that in a bar when he's out of state (after having 10 or 12 beers) and something is going to happen! He definitely gets flirty and carismatic when he'd drinking! And...he goes to a bar at least once a week or every other week when he's out of state working. 

help!!!!😢😭


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He says he's not really attracted to you. Why aren't you ending the sexual relationship with him, like yesterday? Just go back to being friends.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This is madness. "Trying" to love you? Honey. You deserve so much better than this. This guy is either a manipulative jerk or has a few screws loose. He's just a boyfriend. End this, this is crazy. If your best friend came to you and told you this story, what would you tell her to do? The "pick me" dance never, ever works, this guy is never, ever going to stop cheating on you. EVER. I promise you will not die alone or whatever you're thinking will happen. End it. Today. Just, wow, just end it. This is a waste of your precious time. This guy isn't worth it.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> He says he's not really attracted to you. Why aren't you ending the sexual relationship with him, like yesterday? Just go back to being friends.


I'll be w/ him this weekend and I will not sleep with him. We will be in the same bed, but I will not intiiate anything and I doubt he will either. Oh - he told me doesn't initiate it because he doesn't want me thinking that's the only reason he's w/ me. I just asked him about the initiating a few nights ago and that was his response. LAME! And...to be real here...he's one of the most honest people I know!!! He's brutually honest to the point of hurtful. So for him to come up w/ some LAME excuse, just really threw me off!

Thank you! I'm just beside myself and so damn confused.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I knew it's got to be awful, but you'll be better off ending this. The whole thing sounds painful.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I knew it's got to be awful, but you'll be better off ending this. The whole thing sounds painful.


It's horrible. I mean, we go together like peas and carrots in so many ways - but he is not affectionate (says he never has been). He doesn't use words of affirmation. 

His wife kicked him to the curb 12 yrs ago and he's been single since. He had come back in town from work and she had left hin a note. They were married about 7 yrs. He was VERY hurt. His sister said he called her sobbing, etc. He offered to work local, go to counseling, etc. He wouldn't even go out or anything for a couple of years. He's told me a number of times (and still does sometimes) about how he knows pain. Sometimes I feel like he's not over her (or the whole incident). He said she cheated a couple of times and he never did. 

I just have NO idea how he treated her and if he neglected her of the love language most women need.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It's kind of you to care, but he is wasting your time. Be his friend if you want, but he has no romantic feelings for you. He is using you as a crutch and a fallback. We've all got pain, but that doesn't justify hurting others, which is what he is doing to you now.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's kind of you to care, but he is wasting your time. Be his friend if you want, but he has no romantic feelings for you. He is using you as a crutch and a fallback. We've all got pain, but that doesn't justify hurting others, which is what he is doing to you now.


I agree with you! He likes the chase. He loved chasing me all of those years. And even now...when he feels me pulling back (ending a call at night instead of talking till we go to sleep.....telling him I'm not coming to his house for the weekend....stuff like that).

I told him I feel like a place holder. I have built up his confidence SO MUCH and he walks around like a peacock as of lately....mostly when he's got some liquid courage. I complimenet him and talk all lovey to him.

He told me he's never had conversations like we've had (just deep conversations about feelings and real stuff). He said the way he gets tingles when I rub his arm or his back...he's never felt before.

I don't think he knows how to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> I don't think he knows how to be loved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It's not your job to teach him. A "place holder" is a perfect description of what you are to him. You're Plan B. Walk away and become someone's Plan A.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

One thing I am absolutely certain of in relationships: If one person thinks you’re not a freaking total treasure in every way, it’s never going to work. People are hard to live with no matter what. If you’re not treasured to your partner, the things they don’t like about you become magnified in their eyes x 1000000.
Don’t even consider staying in this relationship.? You’re wasting your time and hurting yourself. Believe me when I say there is someone out there that will be super attracted to you—- you’ll be the most beautiful person in their eyes. Be with that person.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

For a relation to work, a man needs to cherish a woman and think she is the hottest and sexiest chick around. 

He needs to climb the highest mountains, cross the hottest deserts and run into burning buildings for her. 

And for that relationship to work, women need to respect and admire the man other she cannot desire him or feel safe with him. 

I don’t know if a woman can truly respect and admire a man and feel safe with him if he doesn’t cherish and desire her. 

II’m not really sure you have any of those things here. 

I think you both are comfortable and like the companionship and entertainment. 

But the things that make you each your special someone and the things that make you each stand out above all others, simply isn’t there.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

TXSDR said:


> he told me doesn't initiate it because he doesn't want me thinking that's the only reason he's w/ me


That sounds like BS


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

It sucks doesn't it?

I can be all of those things for him...but he can't be those things for me....not now anyway. Sadly. 

He told me months back that maybe we are doing this backwards - starting out rock and then will be fine. 

I don't think he's intentionally playing games, but he's also not being considerate of my time and feelings. HOWEVER...he probably felt the same way when he wanted me all of those years and I would hang out w/ him, but would never reciprocate the feelings. He's a tough cookie - that's for damn sure!

I will be w/ him this weekend. I am a realtor and we are closing on some property he is buying and I have his niece's baby shower to go to.....but starting next week, I am going to have to figure out how to pull back.

It's going to be HELL. 😭

By the way - I like your screen name. Are you a fisherman? I know all about Evinrude boat motors.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> That sounds like BS


No doubt it's BS! He has performance issues and I think rather than us discussing that (we have before), he came up w/ some BS to jump tracks.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> It sucks doesn't it?
> 
> I can be all of those things for him...but he can't be those things for me....not now anyway. Sadly.
> 
> ...


Yes, I fish and once had a hobby of restoring old outboards. OMC was my favorite. Well built and would last a lifetime. I have several 50’s outboards that run like new and I still use from time to time.

Ending a relationship is awful. So hurtful. Sometimes it just has to be done. I had one end a few years ago and it still bothers me. But every year, it bothers me less.

Don’t waste time with a person that’s not right for you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Female point of view, here - It could be he likes spending a lot of time with you because he genuinely enjoys the friendship. You've hung around each other for a while now, so he doesn't want to lose that. But, if he's not attracted to you, and admitted it...I'd move on. You can be his friend, but sleep overs and all that? Nah. I'd pass...and if he starts ''chasing'' again, just ignore it. lol You have to start thinking about your future, and if you want a relationship where there is mutual attraction, sexually compatibility, etc...this guy isn't it. And you're going to be so focused on him, and the 'right' guy may pass you by.

So, be kind...be his friend as you always have been. But, I think it's time to simply tell him that you'd like to see others. If he starts ''chasing'' again, I'd tell him to just stop, because if there isn't mutual attraction, you're not interested.

I'm not sure what to make of him, but he sounds like he could be a decent enough friend, just not boyfriend/potential husband material ...for you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He doesn't do emotions, he doesn't do sex, he is not attracted to you, he doesn't love you... sounds like a great relationship. You know what to do.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

He is who he is, he behaves the way he behaves, so that's him. Are you expecting him to change, at 49?, what is it that you expect to happen? the only thing that you can do is YOU making a decision to end this relationship, instead of standing by hoping for what? make a decision to either accept what he's giving you, or dump his sorry ass and stop complaining. Complaining will get you nothing.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> He says he's not really attracted to you. Why aren't you ending the sexual relationship with him, like yesterday? Just go back to being friends.


This. 

Plus all guys look at other women...it's human nature. But to do it blatantly in front of you and not care about your feelings is disrespectful. And another sign he has no feelings for you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

TXSDR said:


> I agree with you! He likes the chase. He loved chasing me all of those years. And even now...when he feels me pulling back (ending a call at night instead of talking till we go to sleep.....telling him I'm not coming to his house for the weekend....stuff like that).
> 
> I told him I feel like a place holder. I have built up his confidence SO MUCH and he walks around like a peacock as of lately....mostly when he's got some liquid courage. I complimenet him and talk all lovey to him.
> 
> ...


I am going to disagree with most of these posters.

What I hear here are YOUR issues. Before when you were friends, he met your needs as a friend just the way he is, as HIMSELF. But now that you are in love with him, you suddenly have all kinds of new needs that you expect him to meet, and you don't feel loved by him unless he is meeting them.

Did you say that he wants to talk to you on the phone until you fall asleep? And he wants you in his life so much that he wants you with him every moment he is home? And that's not enough for you to know how he feels about you?

You said in your other thread how hurt you were that he didn't SAY he loved you. You were using that as an indicator of how he feels. After just a couple of months. That sounded unrealistic and needy from you. 

I think it is YOU who doesn't know how to be loved by HIM.

You are putting so much pressure on him and your relationship, that it sounds like you've made everything about what YOU need and want from him, and you aren't considering what HE needs and wants from a loving relationship.

You sound frantic and insecure when you describe anything, and you have hinged all of his feelings on YOUR way of loving, which isn't fair or realistic.

From the things you've written, it sounds to me like YOU are the one who is undermining the love that could be growing in this relationship.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> I am going to disagree with most of these posters.
> 
> What I hear here are YOUR issues. Before when you were friends, he met your needs as a friend just the way he is, as HIMSELF. But now that you are in love with him, you suddenly have all kinds of new needs that you expect him to meet, and you don't feel loved by him unless he is meeting them.
> 
> ...


I agree with LisaDiane above.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

An older male here. From my point of view you are a convenient alternative from being alone. It's time for you to evaluate if you want to be your BF's backup plan. 

If I could be with the woman I love right now, she would be the entire focus of all my energy. No wandering eyes for this guy when I have a beautiful little lady on my arm! She would be showered with compliments and attention 24/7.

I still wonder if he is playing you for a fool? Could his current behavior be a result of him feeling rejected for the 10 years that he was chasing you to no avail. Could it possibly be payback, intentional or not? Not sure myself as I don't know him at all, but you do.

You deserve to be with a man that loves, adores, and is attracted to you. If he isn't attracted to you, it's time for you to find a real man that can be all you need a man to be for you!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez.

You two put the FUN in dysFUNction.

He was an orbiter for years, and then suddenly you decided he was good enough for more.

And now that he 'won' you, he's less than ecstatic and is looking at other women and doesn't find you attractive.

Why the hell are you holding onto this ****-show?

Sounds to me like he's addicted to your friendship, not romantic love or desire.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@TXSDR during all the years that he waited for you did he have any other relationships? 
I think he is asexual and you were a safe bet for him because he never thought he would get you into bed. Now that he has you, his asexuality/insecurities are coming to the fore.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Man here.

First off I wouldn’t orbit a girl for 9 years and maybe not for even 9 days without asking her “out” on a romantic date. If she says no, she’s not my friend she’s a woman I wanted a romantic relationship with who rejected me. AKA next!

Secondly, as a guy if my equipment doesn’t work I try to fix it. I had some PE issues under a period of stress last year when our house got damaged. I went on drugs and even tried sprays and such and it turned out eliminating the stress solved it. I stayed on the drugs anyway because I read double blind confirmation it does work and noticed it helping. Now I am almost always after my wife. Case in point, if you want to have sex and you have a problem you try to fix it.

So he seems to be a serious of contradictions and odd behavior.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

I stopped reading the original post halfway through. By then, the point came across loud and clear. If I was dating someone and she said that she wasn't attracted to me, Bye Felicia!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


So, title is asking for men's point of view. I would say I would not date you if I was not attracted to you. Doesn't make sense.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Man here.
> 
> First off I wouldn’t orbit a girl for 9 years and maybe not for even 9 days without asking her “out” on a romantic date. If she says no, she’s not my friend she’s a woman I wanted a romantic relationship with who rejected me. AKA next!
> 
> ...


Yes, he has PE. He said he's had it as long as he can remember. He has asked me to go the dr. w/ him, but has not made an appt. I will bring it up this weekend...MAYBE. But....he keeps making things so damn awkward.

I sometimes think he says things to me out of some deep-rooted resentment. He assumed I was not attracted to him all of those years, so now I think it may feel good in some sick subconscience way to turn that feeling around on me. I mean...WHY want me w/ him all the time? Just hung up w/ him...he was calling asking for information to help him pay a land loan off. AKA.....his personal business he likes me to be part of. 

It's all just so damn confusing.

I understand someone wanting a companion...but EVERY weekend and then some? 

He has VERY contradicting ways!!! I tell him all the time he talks out of both sides of his mouth. It's unnerving!!!!!!!!

Question - do you only take the med as needed or do you take it daily? I don't want him being a horn dog when he's out of town! lol


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> So, title is asking for men's point of view. I would say I would not date you if I was not attracted to you. Doesn't make sense.


No, it does not make sense. I think he has told me he's not attracted to me for some subconscience reason. No way he can NOT be attracted to me and have me in his presence all the time. Is he super affectionate? No. He told me from day one he is NOT an affectionate person....BUT...he is affectionate to an extent...when in the right setting or the right mood. So if he were not attracted to me...I doubt he'd come give me a big kiss when I'm laying on the couch. Or a big kiss when he just gets out of the shower in the morning and I'm still sitting on the bed. Ya know? And it's NOT to initiate sex!!


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> @TXSDR during all the years that he waited for you did he have any other relationships?
> I think he is asexual and you were a safe bet for him because he never thought he would get you into bed. Now that he has you, his asexuality/insecurities are coming to the fore.


I had to Google that. lol

Never heard of a man not being sexual. I believe he is...otherwise I wouldn't think he'd be eyeballing women all the time. 

He has PE and a little ED...and that has his confidence in the dirt...as well as performance anxiety, I assume.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> @TXSDR during all the years that he waited for you did he have any other relationships?
> I think he is asexual and you were a safe bet for him because he never thought he would get you into bed. Now that he has you, his asexuality/insecurities are eh to the fore.


Also - he has NOT been in any relationships. He has had some one night stands. I know there was one girl he went on a date or two or three (I never asked details) he had sex w/ because when I asked him what he's been "doing" these past 9 yrs...he brought up everyone he had been with. No names....no places...no amount of times...but I assume most were one-time deals. I really dont' want to know.

He has told me that it's almost like we've been in a relationship all of these years...just w/o the intimacy. But he WANTED the intimacy.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> No, it does not make sense. I think he has told me he's not attracted to me for some subconscience reason. No way he can NOT be attracted to me and have me in his presence all the time. Is he super affectionate? No. He told me from day one he is NOT an affectionate person....BUT...he is affectionate to an extent...when in the right setting or the right mood. So if he were not attracted to me...I doubt he'd come give me a big kiss when I'm laying on the couch. Or a big kiss when he just gets out of the shower in the morning and I'm still sitting on the bed. Ya know? And it's NOT to initiate sex!!


No, hon, he told you he's not attracted to you because he's not attracted to you. You're his backup plan.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the other comments yet, so I'm just addressing you, TXSDR.

Why are you settling for someone who isn't attracted to you and is "trying" to love you? That's so much drama and ******** for two grown-ass adults! And a wandering eye on top of that?? Man, I'd tell him where to step off. 

You telling him over and over but not DOING anything only tells him he can keep on ****ting all over you and you'll open wide to swallow more. You two sound like 20-somethings with all this up and down; it sounds so untenable, how do you feel comfortable at all?

Please respect yourself enough to enforce better treatment, this man is who he is; there's no changing at 50; old dogs rarely learn new tricks. I had a friend who started dating a longtime friend (they were never single at the same time, so no resentment) and he turned out to be the ****tiest most immature boyfriend. She took all kinds of disrespectful and hurtful behavior because he'd been a really good friend to her for 25 years. Some people belong in the friend zone, but if he's ok to treat you this way, how much of a friend can he be?

I didn't mean to give you a lecture, so I apologize. It's just really disheartening to see you complaining about this and not doing a damned thing to help yourself. Do you think this is the best you can do?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

To have this awkward, bizarre, quasi friendship/relationship after NINE YEARS of chasing/rejection/friendzoneing, it would be completely unrealistic to think it’s going to be a normal, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship that just falls into place and clicks now. 

A normal, healthy man with a working sexuality and options would have walked away after the first time he was rejected and I imagine most women would have filed a police report for stalking/harassment at some point if he kept hounding her.

Yet you two carried on with this dysfunction for 9 years. 

So yeah, it ain’t gonna be a garden variety healthy, functional relationship.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> No doubt it's BS! He has performance issues and I think rather than us discussing that (we have before), he came up w/ some BS to jump tracks.


Good God, he can't even do that? Hell no! What's the point of him then? His personality doesn't make him sound like a prize. Toss this one back ASAP.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I am going to disagree with most of these posters.
> 
> What I hear here are YOUR issues. Before when you were friends, he met your needs as a friend just the way he is, as HIMSELF. But now that you are in love with him, you suddenly have all kinds of new needs that you expect him to meet, and you don't feel loved by him unless he is meeting them.
> 
> ...


I understand your point of view. He gets plenty of love, attention, affirmations, compliments, cooking, etc from me. 

I am not frantic...just highly confused. 

Of course I expect different gestures in a relationship vs a friendship. We are intimate now. 

I am not upset he hasn't told me he loves me. Though he has days it when drunk twice. But it was in a sentence... not a statement. Long story. 

To summarize...yes, I need more from him now that we are in a relationship. He had told me over and over that he doesn't want anyone else. I didn't ask... he just tells me. 

It's the most jacked up situation I've ever been in, to be honest.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Man here …. The type that is short on words.

You are completely and absolutely wasting your time. You aren’t getting any younger and he isn’t getting any harder.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXSDR said:


> Question - do you only take the med as needed or do you take it daily? I don't want him being a horn dog when he's out of town! lol


It’s just St John’s Wort an OTC supplement. 150mg 3 times a day is indicated by double blind and I take it every day.

A MD can put you on stronger stuff.

I was always horny the issue was PE. Without toys my wife can take 15 minutes sometimes.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


You’re done, move on. There’s nothing you can do here that will end well. Sorry.


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BTW if it is just PE something like Promiscent spray will give you more than you can handle. I think my wife threw it out because I’d go for like 45 minutes and wear her junk out.

I agree with the other posters though it’s more than PE.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think he is exactly as he has always been. You didn't notice him checking out women until your sensitivity was increased by you being in love with him now. Either that or he was a total phony putting on the good boy act while pursuing you. Now that he has you he has let the real him show through. 

You can't make someone be attracted to you. Either he is or he isn't. He has told you he isn't. From that point forward you have just been wasting your time.

Ask yourself this. Why do I want to be romantically involved with a man that is not attracted to me and even if he were, has performance issues due to life long PE?


----------



## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


I read through your other thread. It's about the same as this. Pls note you're going to get the exact same responses.


----------



## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

Heavy wandering eye makes me suspect porn.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

10-12 beers? Seriously? He’s drinking a 12 pack at a sitting?


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> To have this awkward, bizarre, quasi friendship/relationship after NINE YEARS of chasing/rejection/friendzoneing, it would be completely unrealistic to think it’s going to be a normal, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship that just falls into place and clicks now.
> 
> A normal, healthy man with a working sexuality and options would have walked away after the first time he was rejected and I imagine most women would have filed a police report for stalking/harassment at some point if he kept hounding her.
> 
> ...


We were just friends all those years. Companions. He never tried anything for fear of rejection. So we literally were just running buddies... but never discussed other men/women. 

He didn't steal or harass. We were just casual constants in each other's lives. 

It's definitely not healthy now and I'll be making some changes, for sure.


Mr.Married said:


> Man here …. The type that is short on words
> 
> 
> You are completely and absolutely wasting your time. You aren’t getting any younger and he isn’t getting any harder.


lol - damn!


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> 10-12 beers? Seriously? He’s drinking a 12 pack at a sitting?


oh yes!!!!!!! Binge drinker. One every other week or so. 

I never saw that either in all of the years we were hanging out. lol

**** FIRE AND SAVE THE MATCHES!


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Drinking has never made me less horny but it makes my wife super not interested. A shame…


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

You both really do sound like you are around 20 years old. Your last thread had the same feel.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

AlwaysImproving said:


> Heavy wandering eye makes me suspect porn.


Interesting!!! I've wondered. He told me he used to watch it from time to time. He told me a few nights ago that he's not watched it since we've been together. I didn't even ask!!!

But I do wonder, due to the wandering eye and the admittance of watching it, if he has something gone on that he's not admitting to.

Why does the wandering eye make you think porn?


----------



## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Drinking has never made me less horny but it makes my wife super not interested. A shame…


I'm with you there. If I get too inebriated among good friends, W is the same.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> You both really do sound like you are around 20 years old. Your last thread had the same feel.


It's him. He's making me nuts! If there wasn't a 9 yrs connection, I'd had kicked him the curb IMMEDIATELY! I fell for him and literally thought it was gonna be something magical since he was hanging around for so long. I think it was a shock to my system. The first few weeks was great...then......


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> It's him. He's making me nuts! If there wasn't a 9 yrs connection, I'd had kicked him the curb IMMEDIATELY! I fell for him and literally thought it was gonna be something magical since he was hanging around for so long. I think it was a shock to my system. The first few weeks was great...then......


What connection? Find your dignity, please.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Drinking has never made me less horny but it makes my wife super not interested. A shame…


Exactly. 

My biggest concern is when he's out at a bar when at work (out of state) during the week. One night he was at a bar for 5.5 hours! Said he was a guy from the plant. I mean...HOW THE HELL AM I TO KNOW? He is 3000 miles away when he's there.

And he has flirted in front of me when drunk. 

Damn....I'm gonna have to kick him to the curb after all of these responses.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> What connection? Find your dignity, please.


I'm trying, girl. I'm trying. This is VERY not like me to tolerate any BS! I promise. This has me jacked up!

But once I'm done...I'll be done. And I hope it's soon.


----------



## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Drinking by the 12 pack? How is he not 300 lbs?
Also, has he ever considered is the 12 packs causing the sexual dysfunction?


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I can’t explain him.

Can say there are plenty of men out there who would like to have sex with their partner multiple times a day, this guy included.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Drinking by the 12 pack? How is he not 300 lbs?
> Also, has he ever considered is the 12 packs causing the sexual dysfunction?


lol - it may have something to do with it. But it's the same "issue" on days that he doesn't drink. He only drinks once a week tops. Sometimes once every week and a half or two.

Funny though, because at the VERY beginning...he told me he had to find his number (beer count aka liquid courage) that would work for him (in the bedroom).

So it may have played a role in his failed marriage. He's never said.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I can’t explain him.
> 
> Can say there are plenty of men out there who would like to have sex with their partner multiple times a day, this guy included.


Laid in bed next to him naked 3 nights in a row last weekend and he never touched me...other than to put his arm over me to cuddle. 

I'm fluffy, but not disgusting and huge by any stretch of the imagination. lol

He is pretty big up top and is very insecure about it.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I can’t explain him.
> 
> Can say there are plenty of men out there who would like to have sex with their partner multiple times a day, this guy included.


I can

He's a dud.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

5.5 hours at a bar is not cool


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

snowbum said:


> 5.5 hours at a bar is not cool


Let’s not slander guys who hang out at the bar for 6 hours with work pals. I’m going to be doing that shortly on business and I am a gentleman (in my opinion).


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> I can
> 
> He's a dud.


Seems that way. I guess she was right for the first 9 years.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Do he drinks by the 12 pack is far, has Ed, adults he’s not attracted you you?bye then. This is not a loss.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why did you suddenly change your mind about him after nine years? That’s so rare it’s almost nonexistent.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Post after post after post trying to rationalize why the glaring red flags aren't really red, he doesn't mean what he says, day is really night, up is down.

Dude doesn't love you, isn't attracted to yoi, but is extremely controlling. Must have you around, and the comments about "when you leave" are designed to put you on the defensive and gaslight. "I'm trying to love you" is an abusive statement designed to make you feel insecure and to keep you begging fir crumbs.

Its. Not. Healthy.

Go back to friends.

FYI, he doesn't need to be attracted to screw you. Men aren't attracted to their hands but if it's there it'll do.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He can't get the women he's attracted to and he knows it. But he wants sex so he'll take it wherever he can find it. You're both settling for each other. I guess that's your business.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Is drinking a few beers every couple of weeks a crime now? It’s not like he is drinking them every day. For the rest, I have already expressed my opinion.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

12 beers at once is a couple?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Post after post after post trying to rationalize why the glaring red flags aren't really red, he doesn't mean what he says, day is really night, up is down.
> 
> Dude doesn't love you, isn't attracted to yoi, but is extremely controlling. Must have you around, and the comments about "when you leave" are designed to put you on the defensive and gaslight. "I'm trying to love you" is an abusive statement designed to make you feel insecure and to keep you begging fir crumbs.
> 
> ...


Ouch.. that hurt.

but you may be spot on


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Ouch.. that hurt.
> 
> but you may be spot on


It's coming from a place of caring and concern.

A hammer is required here.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TXSDR said:


> Binge drinker. One every other week or so.


Ah, I see. You've got a drunk on your hands. Ask yourself this: Why are you trying to make sense of nonsense? Seriously.


----------



## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


You can do better. Eyeballing women in front of you!? Damn. Some gentleman. I see him as an total ass hole..
WOrk on building self confidence. You deserve better than this disrespectul POS>


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

snowbum said:


> 12 beers at once is a couple?


At once? You mean one after the other? I thought we were talking about 10 cans over a weekend? 10-12 cans in one sitting is indeed a bit much...


----------



## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Have you two broken up yet? You should prepare for that.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TXSDR said:


> I'm trying, girl. I'm trying. This is VERY not like me to tolerate any BS! I promise. This has me jacked up!
> 
> But once I'm done...I'll be done. And I *hope* it's soon.


Sorry to say that 'hope' is not a plan.

Beyond all the noise you're creating within yourself, you will know what action you need to take. Figure that out and act accordingly.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

*Deidre* said:


> So, be kind...be his friend as you always have been.


I'd suggest to be kind to yourself. Be that friend to YOURSELF.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> Post after post after post trying to rationalize why the glaring red flags aren't really red, he doesn't mean what he says, day is really night, up is down.
> 
> Dude doesn't love you, isn't attracted to yoi, but is extremely controlling.


BOOYAH!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dump him now. Stop wasting your time.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

@TXSDR Did the weekend go ok? Any unusual behaviour or excessive drinking or did you just steer clear of him?


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> @TXSDR Did the weekend go ok? Any unusual behaviour or excessive drinking or did you just steer clear of him?


Weekend was perfect. Nothing unusual. Was with him from Thursday thru today (Tuesday). Without getting into a lot of personal info...we handled some business of his (property purchase) and inwas the realtor for that. We took care of some things on said property. We cook together...watch movies...sit outside and enjoy the beauty of the place he lives, etc. 

I was going to leave yesterday, but all he had to do was tell me I didn't have to leave and I stayed another night. I just got home and am going back tomorrow or the next day. He lives 3 hrs away and is normally out of state for work during the week, but he working from his the week. He's lives close to me our whole lives... but bought a place farther north a couple of years ago. 

I know that's a long answer, but yes...we had a great past 5 days. We are together a lot. He talks about our future all the time. Just some things that are hard to process


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

CountryMike said:


> Have you two broken up yet? You should prepare for that.


No. Lol. He chased me for 8.5 yrs and I finally woke up 5 mts. We haven't broken up. 

Why do you ask?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> No. Lol. He chased me for 8.5 yrs and I finally woke up 5 mts. We haven't broken up.
> 
> Why do you ask?


Probably because he told you that he's not into you and it's sad that you're clinging. Sorry to be harsh, but seriously, dignity.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> No. Lol. He chased me for 8.5 yrs and I finally woke up 5 mts. We haven't broken up.
> 
> Why do you ask?


Because he said he isn't attracted to you.

Did you have sex with him this weekend?


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Because he said he isn't attracted to you.
> 
> Did you have sex with him this weekend?


Twice in the 5 nights I was there. 

Whyyyy is he holding on so tight and making future plans for us??


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It’s called settling. And if you stay with him knowing that he isn’t attracted to you, you’re settling.

I’m not sure why either of you are settling, but maybe you both are okay with sacrificing sexual attraction for other areas of the relationship that you like?


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> Twice in the 5 nights I was there.
> 
> Whyyyy is he holding on so tight and making future plans for us??


And the PE issues come in to play or all good?

You're in your 40s, right? Maybe stop asking why and just go with it. You have a good time with him, right? Is that enough for you?


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> And the PE issues come in to play or all good?
> 
> You're in your 40s, right? Maybe stop asking why and just go with it. You have a good time with him, right? Is that enough for you?


I just turned 50. He's 49. 

I haven't ask him why about any of this. 

The PE was not so fast last night as it was 2 nights ago. But it was still too quick. He always apologizes and I tell him not to. Nothing to apologize for. 

Yes, we are great together. The good time together could be sufficient, but I'm feeling a loss of closeness without the full on sexual part. I need to talk to him aboutbit, but never feel it's the right time. I feel he has major performance anxiety issues, yet the response to my question about him not being attracted to me...makes me feel like it's me. It's hard to wrap my mind around. PE is definitely NOT an issue of being "not" attracted to someone. It's the lack of him initiatino it that is my concern. He did, however, initiate both times the past 5 nights. But...it could be because I voiced my concern about it last week. 

Again...he is a hard nut to crack.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> I just turned 50. He's 49.
> 
> I haven't ask him why about any of this.
> 
> ...


PE is treatable. Even the over the counter stuff works. It just desensitizes him a little. If he addressed that it would removed the performance anxiety.

I agree that without the connection and attraction I think sex would feel kind of empty.

I can't remember if you already discussed this, but have you asked him point blank why he wants to be with you if he isn't attracted to you? This is a romantic relationship after all.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> I just turned 50. He's 49.
> 
> I haven't ask him why about any of this.
> 
> ...


Uhm... What difference does "lack of initiating" make if he's got PE and not doing anything about that?

ETA 
I think you're settling too, you could do better.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> PE is treatable. Even the over the counter stuff works. It just desensitizes him a little. If he addressed that it would removed the performance anxiety.
> 
> I agree that without the connection and attraction I think sex would feel kind of empty.
> 
> I can't remember if you already discussed this, but have you asked him point blank why he wants to be with you if he isn't attracted to you? This is a romantic relationship after all.


He said he's attracted to what's on the inside and that's the important part, he says. I just can't understand why he says he's not attracted to me (we've only discussed it twice very briefly) - yet he comes up to me and kisses me throughout the day...and wants me with him... we do everything together. He is proud to show me off. Loves calling me his GF. GO FIGURE!!

I feel like him thinking I wasn't attracted to him all of those years (I wasn't)... has him harboring some resentfulness that spills out sometimes. He's not a hurtful person... but I feel he almost does it without realizing it.

I'm trying to get the courage up to talk to him about the PE thing.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Can you deal long-term with the way he acts around other women?


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

TXSDR said:


> He said he's attracted to what's on the inside and that's the important part, he says.


Fast forward to him convincing you that even though he slept with all those other women, it didn't mean anything because it's different with you.  It's "just sex" with them but it magically changes to "emotional bonding" when he's with you. 🤮


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

PE is super easy to fix. Promiscent spray.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Can you deal long-term with the way he acts around other women?


No


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> No


Then you’ve got a more serious problem than non-attraction and PE.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Fast forward to him convincing you that even though he slept with all those other women, it didn't mean anything because it's different with you.  It's "just sex" with them but it magically changes to "emotional bonding" when he's with you. 🤮


He had a crush on me in HS. I didn't even know it. Yes, it was over 30 yrs ago. We reconnected in 2013 and have been a constant in each other's lives since. His words are "its like we've been in a relationship... just without the intimacy." That's because I didn't see him that way. He left it just as friends because I told him right off the bat I only saw him as a friend. He wanted more, but accepted the friendship. He never tried anything. 

I knew I was passing up a great guy, but I couldn't help that my feelings didn't align with his. 

Now... look at where we are. He's on another page now because I didn't come around for so many years. He had accepted we were just going to be friends and..... BAM I changed things real quick.

He's happy I did, but I think his feelings had changed at that point so he's trying to align them with mine again. I know he doesn't want to lose me. I think he accepted me all the sudden having the feelings because it's something he wanted for so long. He was very happy I came around. But... at the same time, after so many years, I guess things were a little different. I've gained a good 30/40 lbs since 2013. Not that it should matter... but I'm sure it does to an extent. 

He accepted my sudden love and spends all l his extra time with me.. and then some. 

As for him checking out the other women, yeah it sucks. It's not happened in my presence in a month, but we've also not been out in a scene with lots of women dressed to impress. I can handle a glance... but I won't tolerate smiling and a long gaze that is extremely obvious. 

There's more to the person who he is and what he offers me and shows me. I've just not put it all in this post. There are things that keep me with him. I'm definitely keeping my eyes open and trying to not be screwed around. I NEVER saw him as that type of guy... ever. He's not a player and is brutally honest. Hence the response I got when I asked him if he was not attracted to me. The answer, yes, threw me... but I asked him because I felt he wasn't. 

It's a **** hole predicament to be in. He gives so much to me!!!! His time!!! He's a great cook, a neat freak (great housekeeper)... we run the roads and do all sure of fun things when we are out... we cook together.. clean together...shop together... and somethings I've not mentioned here are a bit too personal about his life, so I've left them out. But we are good together in so many ways. 

I know my posts make it all sounds stupid, but there is much more to it. Him admitting he's not attracted to me and eyeballing othr women when we've been out a few times has been hurtful. 

Yes, some men only have eyes for their significant other. I thought it would be this way with him. Yes, he likes. No, I don't like it. I hope that changes. If it doesn't... I'll have to make a decision. We are generally just together the 2 of us and it's not some issue I have to deal with... so I'm still here. 

I'm a NO BS girl... but for some reason, I'm having a hard time with this one.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Oh honey.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How many unattractive men do you date? In his eyes you’re not attractive. That’s not the basis for a relationship. Your a step in the journey for him


----------



## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I can’t even imagine telling my wife that. Like even if it was true it seems like a no no to say out loud.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Yah, anyone would have a hard time with their so saying” you’re not good looking….” Hang on… bombshell at 3 o’clock


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is it maybe the weight gain that affects his attraction?

Why after all those years were you suddenly attracted to him?


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> How many unattractive men do you date? In his eyes you’re not attractive. That’s not the basis for a relationship. Your a step in the journey for him


He's been single for 12 yrs. He's chased me for 9 of those. I'm not a step in the journey.

But


ccpowerslave said:


> I can’t even imagine telling my wife that. Like even if it was true it seems like a no no to say out loud.





Openminded said:


> Is it maybe the weight gain that affects his attraction?
> 
> Why after all those years were you suddenly attracted to him?


I don't know to be honest. Maybe I was afraid of losing him. What this post does not explain is his good qualities. He treated me like gold. He still does in many ways. He thinks that he started showing me less attention and that's why I changed my feelings. I just felt it was God's timing. 

He's a big guy and is very insecure. He did make a comment one time, months back, that he didn't want to marry his mom. She's overweight and not in good health. 

I'm 200 lbs at 5' 6". I was probably 160 when we started hanging out in 2013. I was up to 215 not to long ago. I've dropped 15 lbs since we've been together. Not intentionally. 

He and I both love to cook and eat.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> It’s called settling. And if you stay with him knowing that he isn’t attracted to you, you’re settling.
> 
> I’m not sure why either of you are settling, but maybe you both are okay with sacrificing sexual attraction for other areas of the relationship that you like?


I'm sexually attracted to him. Took me 8.5 yrs, but here I am. Lol.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TXSDR said:


> I'm sexually attracted to him. Took me 8.5 yrs, but here I am. Lol.


lol!

I just hope you don't settle. He sounds like a great person in many ways, and maybe that is enough. Don't let guilt for not dating him sooner, make you settle now. And by settle, I mean...tolerate behavior from a guy (that really does bother you) just so you don't lose him. Either way, keep us posted. 😊


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

TXSDR said:


> I'm 200 lbs at 5' 6". I was probably 160 when we started hanging out...He and I both love to cook and eat.


Well there's the problem. You've gained 40 lbs since you met him. According to the charts you're obese. I just ended a 10 year relationship because she got fat and I couldn't bring myself to have sex with her.

You're not living up to your part of the deal.

Stop cooking and stop eating if you want any chance of saving this thing.

Queue all the overweight people to come flame me for posting this which is nothing but the truth.


----------



## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Trident said:


> Well there's the problem. You've gained 40 lbs since you met him. According to the charts you're obese. I just ended a 10 year relationship because she got fat and I couldn't bring myself to have sex with her.
> 
> You're not living up to your part of the deal.
> 
> ...


Well....he's big. He used to be bigger until he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2019. But he's still big (up top). 

There was no "deal" until March. I've not gained any weight since we started seeing each other. I've actually lost some. 

I get it. I do.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

TXSDR said:


> Well....he's big. He used to be bigger until he was diagnosed with diabetes in 2019. But he's still big (up top).


So what he's big. If you're attracted to him then his size isn't the issue. For him, your size IS definitely the issue. 

Is he being hypocritical, invoking a double standard, being two faced or whatever?

Absolutely. But that's how it is.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He chased you for 9 years. If he’s not attracted to you, then he’s stupid and/or crazy.
You say he treats you like gold— except when he looks at other women and hurts your feelings and THEN tells you he doesn’t find you attractive. Lol, telling the woman you supposedly love that you don’t find her attractive………… why not just slap her in the face and spit on her?????? NOBODY does that. 
There are some really odd things going on with this guy.
Also, one doesn’t stay with a woman they’re not attracted to, or treat then like gold. There’s weird things going on here that don’t make sense. You haven’t seemed to talk much to him about this snd it’s obviously eating you up.
I think I’d have to talk further and get to the bottom of this, or get out. Also, diabetes—-he won’t likely be able to have an erection too much longer from what I’ve read, and has a reduced life expectancy. Something to consider.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He chased you for 9 years. If he’s not attracted to you, then he’s stupid and/or crazy.
> You say he treats you like gold— except when he looks at other women and hurts your feelings and THEN tells you he doesn’t find you attractive. Lol, telling the woman you supposedly love that you don’t find her attractive………… why not just slap her in the face and spit on her?????? NOBODY does that.
> There are some really odd things going on with this guy.
> Also, one doesn’t stay with a woman they’re not attracted to, or treat then like gold. There’s weird things going on here that don’t make sense. You haven’t seemed to talk much to him about this snd it’s obviously eating you up.
> I think I’d have to talk further and get to the bottom of this, or get out. Also, diabetes—-he won’t likely be able to have an erection too much longer from what I’ve read, and has a reduced life expectancy. Something to consider.


Actually, if I remember correctly, he has never told her that he loves her. 

I think this guy was all about the chase.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I can’t recall OP and too lazy to search for the answer lol, but did he date anyone during the time he was “chasing” you? I’m vaguely remembering that he didn’t?


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> He chased you for 9 years. If he’s not attracted to you, then he’s stupid and/or crazy.
> You say he treats you like gold— except when he looks at other women and hurts your feelings and THEN tells you he doesn’t find you attractive. Lol, telling the woman you supposedly love that you don’t find her attractive………… why not just slap her in the face and spit on her?????? NOBODY does that.
> There are some really odd things going on with this guy.
> Also, one doesn’t stay with a woman they’re not attracted to, or treat then like gold. There’s weird things going on here that don’t make sense. You haven’t seemed to talk much to him about this snd it’s obviously eating you up.
> I think I’d have to talk further and get to the bottom of this, or get out. Also, diabetes—-he won’t likely be able to have an erection too much longer from what I’ve read, and has a reduced life expectancy. Something to consider.


I agree...lots of oddness. That's why I've not bailed. Trying to figure him out. His family loves me. They all live close and love coming over when I'm there. His sister calls me daily like I'm her SIL. There's so much to this relationship. 



*Deidre* said:


> I can’t recall OP and too lazy to search for the answer lol, but did he date anyone during the time he was “chasing” you? I’m vaguely remembering that he didn’t?


He didn't. He had some one night stands, but no relationships.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TXSDR said:


> I agree...lots of oddness. That's why I've not bailed. Trying to figure him out. His family loves me. They all live close and love coming over when I'm there. His sister calls me daily like I'm her SIL. There's so much to this relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> He didn't. He had some one night stands, but no relationships.


Okay, now I remember.

I guess what I’d be reflecting on if I were in your situation is if I don’t know someone enough (you can’t know every thought someone is having) after almost 9 years, how much longer will it take? I think you are seeing who he is, and he sounds kind and fun and compatible with you in many ways, but not sexually. And he is belittling without maybe meaning to be, by constantly checking out other women. That’s a glimpse into your future.

Have you heard of the saying “a safe bet?” I think he sees you as the safe bet, now. He seems like he was an insecure reserved guy when it comes to women, which is what stopped him from pursuing women. But, you were always there for him as a friend - the safe bet. Regardless of your weight gain, his looking at other women often while you’re around tells me he is always looking over the fence if the grass is greener somewhere else, but he’s afraid to leave his safe bet.

That’s what I mean by settling. Losing weight and trying to be what he desires sexually, it may create attraction on his part but it just seems like you’ll always be that safe bet.

I mean this in a kind way to help you not waste time analyzing this guy and spend more time reflecting on if this is what you want because this is who he is. 

Those nine years he chased you are over now. All you have is what’s before you and I think you’re looking back to that guy he was when he was chasing you.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think you’re seeing him as you wish he is, and not who he actually is…… hard for anyone not to do. An easy trap to fall into. Consider who he actually is and if you really want to invest more years with him. You seem like a likeabke person and his people like you. 

What he’s told you……. Shouldn’t be told. That’s past being blunt, brutally honest….., it’s stupid and weird. Just call him out on it. Have a big “knockdown drag out” and let him either convince you that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to him and he will tell you he loves you and show it every day, or you walk out the door. There’s no line of women after this guy. He will walk over nails barefooted if he really does love you. If not, move in and leave him in your rear view mirror.

Don’t needlessly let this keep building resentment and pain….. you shouldn’t be scared in a relationship to get crap out and solve it. This needs solving. It’s bs.
What he said…….. beyond stupid and cruel.

I really think you should dump him. But you said he otherwise treats you good…..weird.


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think you’re seeing him as you wish he is, and not who he actually is…… hard for anyone not to do. An easy trap to fall into. Consider who he actually is and if you really want to invest more years with him. You seem like a likeabke person and his people like you.
> 
> What he’s told you……. Shouldn’t be told. That’s past being blunt, brutally honest….., it’s stupid and weird. Just call him out on it. Have a big “knockdown drag out” and let him either convince you that you’re the most beautiful woman in the world to him and he will tell you he loves you and show it every day, or you walk out the door. There’s no line of women after this guy. He will walk over nails barefooted if he really does love you. If not, move in and leave him in your rear view mirror.
> 
> ...


Weirdest thing I've ever been through....w/o a doubt!!!!!!!!!! Hurtful as hell? YES! Does he try to smooth things over and act like he wants me in his life forever? ALL THE TIME! 

Like @*Deidre* said, maybe I'm just his safe bet. 

The story goes way back. He told his sister, mom, etc...that he would be w/ me one day. He's had lots of conversations w/ his family about me through the years. I truly think I waited so long to come around that he lost some of that mojo towards me. That's really what I believe is the issue here.

I feel I need to give him some space...but on the other hand...he is always wanting me w/ him. Since I want to be w/ him, too....I always go w/ it and we stick together. MAYBE....just maybe...he's my safe bet as well - and that's why I'm staying. He's always been my safety, to be honest. I knew he'd always be there. 

Yes, @Evinrude58, he treats me well in many ways. But...everyone in his family says they walk on egg shells around him. I felt like I was at first as well. He has definittely gotten better w/ his tempermental comments and aggravation when something doesn't line up JUST RIGHT. He's extremely OCD.

My other MAJOR issue is his random staying out in a bar for 4-6 hours when he's out of state working. I am NOT there to know WTF he's doing and I do not like. He has flat out told me....if I can't handle him being gone (working) and his "entertainment" then maybe he's not the guy for me. HE VERY WELL MAY NOT BE!!!!! He always says, "I've not done anything wrong!" Maybe he's not jumped in the sack w/ anyone...but I know damn good and well he stares and flirts. THAT can lead to jumping in the sack...when you're under the influence and making bad judgement calls OUT OF STATE! Especially if some chick is "ATTRACTIVE" to him. Makes me sick thinkingn about it.

Like you said.....if we get all of this out in the open and he can't tell me he loves me or makes me feel I'm beautiful to him...or doesn't walk on nails for me...then so be it.

It's a HARD place to be. I just got back in town from his house yesterday (was there 5 days) and he wants me to come back once my son leaves to go out of town on a trip. 

I wasn't going to go his house a couple of weekends ago and he did NOT like that at all. He kept making cute little comments about me loading my stuff up in the truck (Texas country girl here!!!) and getting on the road to his house. I kept ignoring it until he finally just said, "Just come on!"

MY MIND IS LITERALLY WARPED over all of this.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

TXSDR said:


> Weirdest thing I've ever been through....w/o a doubt!!!!!!!!!! Hurtful as hell? YES! Does he try to smooth things over and act like he wants me in his life forever? ALL THE TIME!
> 
> Like @*Deidre* said, maybe I'm just his safe bet.
> 
> ...


Do you enjoy torturing yourself?

Every post you make about this man has something negative, yet you chose and keep choosing him. 

Do you think relationships are supposed to be hard and antagonistic? Do you truly think a man who looks at other women and can't tell you he loves you is a prize?

If you want to keep jumping through hoops like a good little doggie, he'll keep tossing you snacks when you're too upset but never give you a real meal.

It almost sounds like you enjoy being mistreated and boasting on how strong you are for taking it and trying so hard to make it better. Life is not a country song, have some self respect!

What are you looking for here?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@TXSDR I don't mean for this to be hurtful, so please try not to take it that way. Are you possibly thinking that he is the best you can do? You've talked about getting older and you've put on a considerable amount of weight and are now in the obese range. Is it possible you are putting up with really bad personality traits in him (which I doubt can be changed) because you lack self confidence? Maybe you see him as your only option?


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## TXSDR (6 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @TXSDR I don't mean for this to be hurtful, so please try not to take it that way. Are you possibly thinking that he is the best you can do? You've talked about getting older and you've put on a considerable amount of weight and are now in the obese range. Is it possible you are putting up with really bad personality traits in him (which I doubt can be changed) because you lack self confidence? Maybe you see him as your only option?


Possible.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


I think he loved and wanted you for so long, he has it programed in his brain to want you, that you and him together is just ....right! But you were not into him for so long, that his brain moved you to a friend that you would have sex with status, that he can't come back from that, he don't know how. I had a GF that had a body that would not quit, but I was besties with her sister and she looked so much like friend it was killing my attraction to her. Hence it may be more FWB in his brain.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, I fish and once had a hobby of restoring old outboards. OMC was my favorite. Well built and would last a lifetime. I have several 50’s outboards that run like new and I still use from time to time.
> 
> Ending a relationship is awful. So hurtful. Sometimes it just has to be done. I had one end a few years ago and it still bothers me. But every year, it bothers me less.
> 
> Don’t waste time with a person that’s not right for you.


I remember dad having 2 Scott Atwater motors. They were freaking huge!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> He said he's attracted to what's on the inside and that's the important part, he says. I just can't understand why he says he's not attracted to me (we've only discussed it twice very briefly) - yet he comes up to me and kisses me throughout the day...and wants me with him... we do everything together. He is proud to show me off. Loves calling me his GF. GO FIGURE!!
> 
> I feel like him thinking I wasn't attracted to him all of those years (I wasn't)... has him harboring some resentfulness that spills out sometimes. He's not a hurtful person... but I feel he almost does it without realizing it.
> 
> I'm trying to get the courage up to talk to him about the PE thing.


You say he is overweight? May be he has low T and high estrogen levels. Back when I had this I reached climax much sooner. Once I got the E down and T above 1200. I could go for over an hour....may or may not get there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let's not have a threadjack please?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

TXSDR said:


> Weirdest thing I've ever been through....w/o a doubt!!!!!!!!!! Hurtful as hell? YES! Does he try to smooth things over and act like he wants me in his life forever? ALL THE TIME!
> 
> Like @*Deidre* said, maybe I'm just his safe bet.
> 
> ...


Well you need to figure out if your ok with the bar 4-6 hours of drinking cause that a potentially huge issue. If you are going to accept this make sure you know what you are accepting cause it could be a strip club and not a bar.

If he’s all good with looking he may even be paying to look.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Live with it or get rid of it...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


Move on for goodness sake, this man doesn't know his own mind and is playing with you. Aren't you worth more than this treatment? You have no committment to him, get out and run. Find a man who is crazy for you and doesn't treat you like you are an option.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

TXSDR said:


> Hi! I posted recently about how my boyfriend, of 4 months now, has an EXTREME wandering eye!
> 
> We've known each other since high school (I just turned 50 and he just turned 49)...so we aren't strangers. We started hanging out 9 yrs ago and he's chased/liked me the entire time, but I just didn't have the same attraction to him (ironically!!!). I wanted to, but it just wasn't there. So - we were running buddies (dinner, movies, shopping, hanging out at my house, concerts, etc.) and talked almost daily all of these years.
> 
> ...


I`m going to make an assumption here.
You are a woman of 50 and hanging onto this loser because you are afraid of being alone.and see this guy as your last stand.
It`s obvious you`re putting more into this relationship than he is.
Never let a person be a be all and end all and never let people think you need them more than they need you otherwise you`ll not be treated with respect.
Start by not sleeping with this guy in the same bed, don`t be too accommodating and at times tell him you are busy.
Let him come to you.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You two put the FUN in dysFUNction.


Hope you don't mind if I use that when someone asks me to describe my ex. 😆


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