# Still married and he is posting pictures with the other woman on facebook...



## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

We are married but separated...not legally...and now pending divorce...but even before I got the divorce papers he was posting pictures of himself with her...on facebook. All lovey dovey and kissy and calling his new puppy her baby. He went from saying, "I STILL LOVE YOU, WHY ARE YOU ANGRY" while sleeping with her to now being in love with her. Like one day it was him loving me and the next day he loves her. It is blowing my mind. I just don't know what to do. I have to keep talking to him because all of our finances are intertwined and we are going through divorce stuff. It has been really hard but I think I am finally going to unfriend him on facebook. He always said he wanted to stay friends but I don't know if he even cares about that anymore. The company is still part mine...I will have to work with him...to some degree. I still have a passion for our business. Sheesh. this stinks. I am having some ptsd over this. I have such loving support from my family but I have to be alone just to let out these huge cries like a baby on the floor because this hurts so bad. I finally wrote the girl an email of how I feel about her. If she cared about him I think my email would have made her feel about an inch tall and I think she would have responded to me either saying sorry or expressing her love for him. But all I got was a, "what did you do to make her angry," from him...like what? i am making HER angry? It sucks to see the man who so lovingly protected me protecting someone else. I told him to stop it and not talk to me about her anymore. It is hard for me.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

First of all, stop looking at his FB page. Looking at it does nothing but hurt you. 

Secondly, you may or may not have wanted the divorce, but it's happening. You need to stop worrying about what or who he's doing. You need to start focusing on nobody but yourself. You didn't say if you had kids or not, but if not, that makes it even easier to ignore him.

You say the both of you own a business together, that's a tough one. I'm guessing you don't want to be bought out? If not, be prepared to be constantly reminded of him on a daily basis. 

Of course it hurts, and it will for along time. If you have no kids together, then there's no reason for you to be friends with him outside of work. You should keep it strictly business like whenever you do need to interact with him at work.

You need to look at everything from a different perspective now. There are plenty of men out there who will love and treat you with the respect you deserve. Why compromise to be with someone who treats you badly? Life is too short to be with someone like that.

Start with the 180 and start taking care of yourself.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Defriend him and try to maintain as little contact as possible outside of divorce, finances, and work related issues. I also wouldn't email his girlfriend again, not sure what you were hoping to accomplish doing that. Sorry for what you're going through.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

No kids. ughh the 180. Thank you for reminding me about that. I totally forgot. I started doing that in the beginning and then after I saw him the last time it went out the window. As we basically only communicate through texts and emails I will try to read through the 180 before every response I make to him from now on. As far as the email went...I was hoping to teach her a life lesson from a fellow woman. She was apparently his, "friend," and I was telling her what I thought about her choices and what real friendship looks like. I don't feel like her intentions are good and I am trying to protect my family. My husband is still my family. I am very stubborn. Thanks so much for your advice! I'm off to read the 180.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Stop worrying about who he's "in love" with.

The man is only "in love" with HIMSELF.

Anyone who behaves like he does, does not have the capacity for love.

Sorry, but he's just not mature enough to love anyone with any maturity.

He can fake it. He can tell people he loves them. He can go through the motions with you, with her, with anyone. But the fact is he only loves himself.

He's just too immature to understand what the word means.

He will use it, but that does not mean he is in love with anyone.

You have to start perceiving things from YOUR maturity level rather than HIS.

Why on earth lower your perspective of the situation to HIS maturity level?

You just devalue yourself.

Take a few steps up the ladder of maturity and you will see the both of them for what they are... overgrown children.

Their selfishness will eventually turn against each other.

You are fortunate to be away from the storm that is coming.

Two people that selfish and immature cannot maintain a long term commitment. They will destroy each other.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

You need to look at things differently now. He's not the man you married. That man is gone, never to return.

You need to realize that true family, a true husband, wouldn't do the things he's done to you.

Don't you deserve better?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

So sorry you're going through this laroo. 

Rip the bandaid off, girl -- the faster you go NC *except for* financial stuff/stuff related to the business, the faster you will get over him. Promise. BLOCK him on Facebook. There will never be anything good or useful for you to see there. 

As for the OW ignoring your woman-to-woman advice, that is to be expected. She can't listen to you, because to do so would be to admit that she is a traitor to womankind and a bad, selfish person to boot. She lacks the moral and intestinal fortitude to be honest with herself. 

The best thing to do is to ignore the OW completely - as if she doesn't even exist. There truly is nothing more insulting than to rob a person of their importance in your life. 

Can you either buy your WH out in the business or accept an offer he makes to buy you out? It will be healthiest for you, and make for the fastest healing, to cut him out of your life completely. I know that seems like a big step... but he is not the person you thought he was.

I'm sorry.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

From now on treat him like your business partner only.as for the other woman I am sure down the road she will discover his new Facebook pictures with someone else.then she probably come crying to you for advice.best of luck.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

You all are amazing. Wow, Allen, thank you for that explanation. Yes Nick I do deserve better. At one point I thought I had broken off but spending a week digging up three years of our history to submit to my attorney for the divorce made every bit of pain and more come crashing back. Dignity, I am really disgusted by the ow and I won't contact her again and I did just unfriend my husband on facebook...finally. I have probably over-communicated with him way too much this whole time. I am learning so much about marriage, and relationships, that's for sure! 101, It is really hard for me to only talk business. I have tried soo many times and I always think of something emotional to say that he just absolutely must know. Grr. I need to quit that. I have already imagined the day that she comes crying, but maybe they found love, I think not though. I think it is very true what Allen said. Thanks again so much, everyone.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

All of the advice you were given above is sound and solid. I'm glad you unfriended him, it is the first step. I too made the mistake of viewing Facebook and it drove me crazy, unfriending and blocking is important otherwise you'll just hurt yourself.

Have you read "Just Let Them Go"? If not, just click. I'd also recommend reading this post, "Understanding the Pain". It's geared to wayward spouses but for me, reading what I was feeling explained so articulately was very cathartic and healing. 

I know it's hard to let go but it really is the best thing you can do for you. The grieving will still be there for a while but by letting him go and detaching, you will get better a day, week, month at a time.

Another thing I'd like to add in addition to the 180, is please don't isolate yourself. Getting out of my house every day and off of TAM, my head out of divorce/affair books was the best things I did to help myself heal and let go. Stewing about this inside all day can make you severely depressed. 

Also, eat healthy and work out. If you're still in the marital home, rearrange furniture and decorate it differently. I couldn't sleep in our bedroom for months. It was a trigger for me even though he never brought someone in there. Now it's freshly painted, has a new bed set and feels new. 

Seeing your WS during a separation, while they're cheating is the hardest time, it's when I was the most vulnerable emotionally. I know it's hard not to talk about the other things but you really need to stick to business. So long as you bring emotions in it, you're not going to be able to detach. I don't know the nature of your business but if you can communicate about work via text messages or emails to him only and change your schedule to be there at different times from him, that may help. Finally, I'd consider taking time off for a couple of weeks or so if money permits.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your man is no man. He is a shallow dish. Probably a petri dish, only capable of growing toxic bacteria. 

Use some mind bleach on him. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The advice being given above is spot on. Rather than you look at them and try and figure out what is going on, it should be the other way around. Let him look at you and wonder who is this strong amazing woman who can deal with any crap and is still hugely desirable. Work on yourself and make yourself better.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

laroo said:


> We are married but separated...not legally...and now pending divorce...but even before I got the divorce papers he was posting pictures of himself with her...on facebook. All lovey dovey and kissy and calling his new puppy her baby. He went from saying, "I STILL LOVE YOU, WHY ARE YOU ANGRY" while sleeping with her to now being in love with her. Like one day it was him loving me and the next day he loves her. It is blowing my mind. I just don't know what to do. I have to keep talking to him because all of our finances are intertwined and we are going through divorce stuff. It has been really hard but I think I am finally going to unfriend him on facebook. He always said he wanted to stay friends but I don't know if he even cares about that anymore. The company is still part mine...I will have to work with him...to some degree. I still have a passion for our business. Sheesh. this stinks. I am having some ptsd over this. I have such loving support from my family but I have to be alone just to let out these huge cries like a baby on the floor because this hurts so bad. I finally wrote the girl an email of how I feel about her. If she cared about him I think my email would have made her feel about an inch tall and I think she would have responded to me either saying sorry or expressing her love for him. But all I got was a, "what did you do to make her angry," from him...like what? i am making HER angry? It sucks to see the man who so lovingly protected me protecting someone else. I told him to stop it and not talk to me about her anymore. It is hard for me.


Delete your FB page. Best thing I've done in a long time. It forces me to actually do things rather than looking at people's pictures or moronic status updates. Meeting or hooking up with people on FB is the equivalent of hooking up with people at a sleazy bar which is another reason I deleted my account.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been separated?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm so glad I have you all and your advice. MissTaken, the links you posted are great. I hope I can live by the, "let them go," and 180 way and I like the second link you sent ...yep...I get it. It does feel like I am totally grieving a loss and the fact that he is alive again every day does make it like he dies every day. We actually lost a baby and a favorite aunt and an uncle and our soul dog was dying and has since died right when this all started happening. Isn't it pretty typical for a marriage to fall apart after all of that? I'm not surprised he lost his resolve. I am still angry at her for taking advantage and striking at that moment. She is NOT a real friend. But looking back he and I did have some serious issues of jealously for a while. He would accuse me for ridiculous things that were not happening. I used to be jealous but as soon as I started to grow out of it he became super jealous in the weirdest ways. We got married in 2011...just for some background. Matt, you crack me up and, lamancha, I like your advice a lot and your don quixote quote, too. I'm not sure if I will completely get rid of facebook because that is how I am getting back in touch with some of my old friends and making plans for a group dinner this week actually. That will be fun. Pbear, we have been separated (not legally) since mid October 2013 so, wow, 5 months. Yikes. The sad thing is we have only spoken a few times on the phone and we don't see each other in person. It really bugs me how things we text or email can be interpreted in so many different ways when we don't have our voices and our eyes and facial expressions to go along with it. One phrase that is four words long can be interpreted in about 5 different ways and he is probably always imagining my voice to be angry...or so it seems. So I don't even trust myself writing anything emotional to him anymore.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Stop worrying about who he's "in love" with.
> 
> The man is only "in love" with HIMSELF.
> 
> ...



These are also the same type of people who try to come back into your life later. Be prepared.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I believe you, Rugs. He already said he wanted to remain friends and how that was important to him and that marrying me was the best thing that ever happened to him and if we split it would be the worst thing that ever happened to him (all while he continued to keep her in OUR bed while I was gone on separation) and that he wanted to help me become a happier person now. ... .. ...okayyyy. I actually went back and forth about it but I think I finally realized he is NOT treating me like a friend so why should I allow it. About two months ago I cut him off and he actually bounced back and started giving me attention again (for an email or two)...saying, "but what about you continuing to help with the business? what about us staying friends?" But as soon as I got back interested I blew up again when something he did with her ticked me off so I pushed him away again. so...yep...I can imagine he might come back one day. we'll see.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Delete then block. Save yourself the grief.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He wants to remain friends? :wtf:

The nerve of that chap!

Glad I made you laugh. That's me, that is! Solid advice (I hope!) delivered with a smile!:smthumbup:


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

All I can tell you is to work on what you can control. As the others are saying, block him on FB, implement the 180. The fact that he wants to remain friends is his issue, not yours. He's probably just trying to ease his guilt. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Delete him from Facebook. Delete him from your life.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

PBear said:


> All I can tell you is to work on what you can control. As the others are saying, block him on FB, implement the 180. The fact that he wants to remain friends is his issue, not yours. He's probably just trying to ease his guilt.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You know what, PBear? I think you are right. One time he asked how I was doing and I told him my supervisor at work made me laugh a lot that day and this is how he basically responded, "I'm so glad you are happy now it made me cry." And I was like...wha!? Because it sounds sort of sincere but my real thought was that he was so elated that he felt like he could finally not carry guilt about me because he thought I was finally happy. He sure was ready to jump on that. And another example...the first time I hung out with a friend since the separation it was myself and a friend I used to work with and he came to town and we went around the city and surprised a friend we used to work with at our old job and then we saw two other old friends that night and my husband saw one post on my facebook from the friend we visited at work that she was soooo glad we stopped by and my husband writes this to me, "YOU ARE DATING, "friend's name!" And suddenly the flood gates broke loose on his facebook and all these things he had hidden since January opened up and all of this old news about love with this girl (our employee) appears on his facebook page. So yeah. He just wants me to be gone and be happy so he can be guilt free. He even told me that during our separation he expected that I would want to go have s*x with other guys...I really think he has some serious insecurity issues because if he ditched me because he thought I wanted that...and I absolutely did NOT...it sounds like a tragedy I cannot bear. And I am in no way dating anyone right now...the thought makes me sick...


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

laroo said:


> I believe you, Rugs. He already said he wanted to remain friends and how that was important to him and that marrying me was the best thing that ever happened to him and if we split it would be the worst thing that ever happened to him


That's cheater for "I want to continue to use you, don't grow a pair and walk away... come back"

In "high school" language : He's LEADING you ON.

He admits outright he wants to continue to USE you.

And YOU allow it in order to have some thread of emotional connection with someone who is USING you.

How many times do you see this narcisist mention himself in that paragraph you typed above? Do you see his concern for YOU anywhere in that paragraph?

He does NOT love you. He just wants to USE you and STRING you ALONG until you smarten up. He's a sociopath.

Let's put it this way...

_If you had a DAUGHTER in YOUR situation, what would you say to HER right now_?

Would you advise your daughter to keep looking him up on Facebook while he's having sex with another woman in your bed?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

ha. You helped me figure it out. Everyone always said, "imagine if it happened to your sisters," and I always had the excuse, "look, I just can't imagine their husbands doing this." But you went and made me imagine my gorgeous grown up daughter (imaginary). And it worked! She told me and showed me a picture of the girl on facebook and I said, "EWWWW!" and swiped (basically sideways karate chopped) the laptop off the kitchen table and it went crashing to the floor and I spit on it (I DON'T spit...but this is how I imagined it) and then I held my girl and told her all about the If You Love Him Let Him Go and how she can't keep him like a bird with clipped wings and if we were wild and it was just the two of them in the woods the marriage vows wouldn't really define love. That she would let him go and he would get to see if that is what he really wanted and she would see if he's an a-hole or not but she's going to let him go and let him go hard but not hard like angry or rude. Hard while being gracious and kind but not enabling or bending over backwards or offering any assistance because he wanted to be let go, right? And I would give her a big hug and let her cry for hours if she wanted to but she would be keeping her chin up and respecting herself.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

laroo said:


> ha. You helped me figure it out.... But you went and made me imagine my gorgeous grown up daughter (imaginary). And it worked! She told me and showed me a picture of the girl on facebook and I said, "EWWWW!" ...and then I held my girl and told her all about the If You Love Him Let Him Go and how she can't keep him like a bird with clipped wings and if we were wild and it was just the two of them in the woods the marriage vows wouldn't really define love. ...


I don't know if I would romanticize it.

He's not a bird.

He's not wild.

He's an overgrown man-child, and he's abusive.

At some point, you have to say "no, this isn't what mating behavior looks like to me" and you get AWAY from it.

No wings, no wild men to be tamed or let go of.

Never mind him, reclaim YOU.

YOU are lost in HIM right now.

Love YOU again. You have gotten so absorbed in HIM, you have lost YOU.

Find YOU again... learn to love YOU.

YOU won't allow someone to treat YOU this way if you love YOU.

But ya, the best guidance you can give yourself is :

_Don't do anything you wouldn't support your child doing.
_

If you wouldn't want them making certain choices, then don't YOU be making them either.

If you can't imagine advising your daughter giving this guy the time of day, then don't YOU do it either.

Eventually you will have a daughter, and you WILL have to set an EXAMPLE for her of what women ought to stand up against. And what he's doing is abusive.

He's disguising it with charm, but it IS abuse.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I AM lost in him. You are helping me though. We have all of this paperwork (asset list being one thing) to submit to our attorneys. Mine was due last week. I asked him a few times if he'd like to walk through it together with me...I told him I had things done if he didn't want to waste time doing the same thing twice. He walked through a little one day but then stopped. Now he is emailing me sounding kind of frantic and asking if he can use my worksheet. 

Now...compiling the worksheet was a walk through h*ll (bittersweet memories) and is what dragged me back in to being so depressed about him again. I was actually being strong until I started digging up the past three years of our life together. I have learned some amazing things over these days though...and...I feel like I should not give him my worksheet. I want him to have to go item by item and have the memories that I had of everything we bought together. 

Plus he is just using me again, right? I feel so mean though. If I love him won't I help him? Or is that enabling. I tend to bend over backwards for him. But maybe this time I need to just be asleep already and respond with something tomorrow...after I think of how to kindly say no.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

laroo said:


> Plus he is just using me again, right? I feel so mean though. If I love him won't I help him? Or is that enabling. I tend to bend over backwards for him. But maybe this time I need to just be asleep already and respond with something tomorrow...after I think of how to kindly say no.


Yes

Yes

You don't need to say anything. This is his work to do, let him do his own homework. What is he... five?

I do NOT recommend hostility and shouting matches. You want the divorce to be civil, dignified, but at the same time you do NOT want him exploiting you any further. You do NOT need to explain this to him. Do NOT confront him with his being exploitative or anything. That is NOT going to go over well.

Get the paper work done quickly and quietly. Oftentimes spouses that can't get affection from their spouse turn to aggression instead. You don't want to go either way here. You dont' want to pursue him, but I do not think you ought to antagonize him either until all this paperwork and legal stuff is DONE. Just work through it yourself on your own for your side. He can do his own homework. He's not five years old.

Maybe you can simply tell him your lawyer said he would be better off doing his own with his lawyer.

I will have to think on a good response if he presses you.

But for the moment.. Less is MORE. If it doesn't need to be said, then say nothing. If he presses you. Exit the conversation.

The more you let him talk to you, the greater the risk of you getting used again.

Do NOT go into long detailed explanations. He is NOT worth your time. Do NOT invest any more time into him.

No pursuit
No explaining how you feel
No arguing
No explaining why you wont' do his homework for him.

Just get your paperwork done and finished. He can do his.

When he calls, ignore the call. You work for a living right? Just be at work more.

Then you are rid of him. He's not five years old. Leave him to do his own paperwork. HE is wasting all his TIME with OW. And NOW he expects YOU to do HIS work while HE is with OW?

Screw that. This guy just uses you left and right. He's a PARASITE.

Just shut him out of your life unless a brief exchange for legal reasons is necessary.

less is MORE.

less time invested in HIM

is MORE for YOU.

Or look at it this way : 

If you leave him to do his own paperwork, then he's NOT with OW. Pile the work on his desk and he will have ZERO time for her.

If I had to guess I'd say that's probably what's been going on... YOU do all the work which freed up time for HIM to CHEAT.

Turn the tables around. put the work on his desk so he HAS no TIME to CHEAT.

THAT may motivate you to leave him to do his own homework.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

YEP. Thank you. I do spend way too much time...even just thinking of the right, "short and sweet," response. I still haven't responded to his request for my asset worksheet. And yeah. He let me take care of our finances and the home and the pets and let the other employees work while he and she (in her new, "manager position,"...that was a joke) goofed off in a hotel room. Now the other employees are gone and I am gone and they spend their time together in our home and I think it will be good if he has to take some time away from her to think about his marriage and do his homework. She can sit on the couch and watch movies by herself for a week.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First things first: stop looking at his Facebook.

Second, lawyer up.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Yep, jelly. I think I might actually be a little happier since I unfriended him on facebook. And now I actually hardly care about opening facebook at all. And when I do I kind of flinch and close it back up quickly because I see it kind of like a poisonous snake that might bite me if I touch it...because the temptation just to look at their home pages and see their profile pics is tempting but now I go, "eek!," and close it up real quick before I do that. I think I like that instinct that is kicking in. Anything that is OW related or that makes me think of them I am treating like toxins and avoiding now. He wrote to me today asking for the worksheet again...and said I told him not to bother working on that part and he is so busyyy. And I did say that last week when I was working on it...that we could talk through it together when he was ready...is it wrong to say no, now? I think the process of him having to look things up is important. I am talking to my attorney in an hour. Maybe I can wait and ask him. Thanks again for all of your help, everyone!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know for them both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Oh my GOSH! LOL I don't think I would do that to them but it is making me giggle thinking about it.


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## kaleighgurl (Mar 19, 2014)

He is just trying to make you jealous. I seriously doubt he loves anyone else that soon. He's either trying to make you jealous or covering up his ego with the attention of other women. Don't look at his page or pay it any attention about it to him. Stay strong!


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

laroo said:


> He wrote to me today asking for the worksheet again...and said I told him not to bother working on that part and he is so busyyy. And I did say that last week when I was working on it...that we could talk through it together when he was ready...is it wrong to say no, now? I think the process of him having to look things up is important. I am talking to my attorney in an hour. Maybe I can wait and ask him. Thanks again for all of your help, everyone!


You don't have to SAY ANYTHING.

IGNORE the call.

That's it.

Just dont respond.

NO response IS a response.

Honestly, if you are dealing through attorneys then you are best NOT to SAY ANYTHING at ALL.

Why on earth do you feel so damn COMPELLED to engage in CONVERSATION with a USER?

Facebook = toxic
HE = toxic
OW = toxic
Conversation with any of them = toxic.

STAY AWAY.

You do NOT OWE them an EXPLANATION for your choices.

Just choose to not respond, and leave it at that.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

I hear you. I am compelled because I used to ask him questions in emails and he would, "conveniently," not respond to the things that had an ugly truth. I hated how he would ignore me like that. So I know how it feels and I didn't want to treat him like that. He's clearly hurting deep down and in a mess to be in this situation in the first place. He's in a whirlwind right now. Kaleigh I definitely agree...she boosts his ego alright. She is submissive (because she is his employee and is getting PAID...duh..). So yeah he thinks she worships the ground he walks on and that feels good for him. It is sad that his parents never showed him what real love looks like and I don't think he even knows what a healthy relationship feels like. But oh yeah...enough about them. Sorry Allen.  (or should I say sorry to myself for wasting my time talking about them). in the voice of winnie the pooh, "oh botha."


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Laroo 

NO KIDS ??

Fvck one of his friends and post a morning after bed pic on FB... 

Come on your a woman.. You can crush him INSTANTLY


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

But you know what? That is exactly that he thought I wanted to do. Which is what is so tragic and makes me so sad. He imagined I smiled at some kid that I never even saw and that I must have talked to some construction dudes because why else would they be staring at me. umm..don't they always stare? I have about 20 other examples of this happening over the past 2 years. He got angry with ME because our male employee had an awkward (nervous?) laugh any time I said goodbye to him at the end of the day. He wanted me to go become friends with the male employee as if that would cancel out him ba*ging the female. He seriously thought our separation was going to be a time of no rules and that I would do exactly what he is doing. But I didn't want that and he refused to believe me. I hope he wakes up and sees that one day. He had really s%utty girlfriends...not all of them but most...before me and he never could grasp that I wasn't in a perpetual state of using my body for one thing or another. I couldn't even bounce on a ball at the gym absent mindedly without him saying I was purposefully putting on a show for some older dude on a treadmill. I was like...what? Can I just enjoy being a kid bouncing on a ball? Whenever I told him I was not thinking sexually he said, "It's okay that you are...I'm okay with that,"...but I wasn't! He was trying to define me and it left me no room to be me. I guess I could have played along and been a good sport and agreed in a non-threatened way but I guess I was too offended to do so at the time. No one had ever talked to me like that before. He insisted I wasn't being open and honest with him but the truth was that my honest and open self just wasn't what he wanted to hear and he decided that he knew me better than I knew myself. But the most painful thing here is how much he must be hurting inside to be doing what he is doing. He has been building up all of these instances over the years thinking I was unhappy and I was scheming against him or I was planning some revenge on him for his flirting (playfully I think?) with one of our customers. I am not the revenge type. If I am jealous I ask the questions and get reassurance and then I'm good and I let it go. Until the next weird thing pops up...haha. Gosh I rambled on quite a bit there. You opened a can of worms, hardtohandle. oh...but would it explain some of this if I said that he takes a testosterone injection that is not doctor prescribed? That is part of what made me so sad. I asked if he would get off of that before he judged the health of our marriage and he wouldn't.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

laroo said:


> But you know what? That is exactly that he thought I wanted to do. Which is what is so tragic and makes me so sad. He imagined I smiled at some kid that I never even saw and that I must have talked to some construction dudes because why else would they be staring at me. umm..don't they always stare? I have about 20 other examples of this happening over the past 2 years. He got angry with ME because our male employee had an awkward (nervous?) laugh any time I said goodbye to him at the end of the day. He wanted me to go become friends with the male employee as if that would cancel out him ba*ging the female. He seriously thought our separation was going to be a time of no rules and that I would do exactly what he is doing. But I didn't want that and he refused to believe me. I hope he wakes up and sees that one day. He had really s%utty girlfriends...not all of them but most...before me and he never could grasp that I wasn't in a perpetual state of using my body for one thing or another. I couldn't even bounce on a ball at the gym absent mindedly without him saying I was purposefully putting on a show for some older dude on a treadmill. I was like...what? Can I just enjoy being a kid bouncing on a ball? Whenever I told him I was not thinking sexually he said, "It's okay that you are...I'm okay with that,"...but I wasn't! He was trying to define me and it left me no room to be me. I guess I could have played along and been a good sport and agreed in a non-threatened way but I guess I was too offended to do so at the time. No one had ever talked to me like that before. He insisted I wasn't being open and honest with him but the truth was that my honest and open self just wasn't what he wanted to hear and he decided that he knew me better than I knew myself. But the most painful thing here is how much he must be hurting inside to be doing what he is doing. He has been building up all of these instances over the years thinking I was unhappy and I was scheming against him or I was planning some revenge on him for his flirting (playfully I think?) with one of our customers. I am not the revenge type. If I am jealous I ask the questions and get reassurance and then I'm good and I let it go. Until the next weird thing pops up...haha. Gosh I rambled on quite a bit there. You opened a can of worms, hardtohandle. oh...but would it explain some of this if I said that he takes a testosterone injection that is not doctor prescribed? That is part of what made me so sad. I asked if he would get off of that before he judged the health of our marriage and he wouldn't.


Put him in your rear view mirror.

What have you done for YOU today?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

laroo said:


> So I know how it feels and I didn't want to treat him like that.


No one is suggesting you be callous. What we are suggesting is that you treat him like he's toxic.

How would you treat a disease? Would you let a disease in the door?

Would you spend time and effort grieving a disease?

No one is suggesting you lie.
No one is suggesting you manipulate.
No one is suggesting you use.
No one is suggesting you cheat.

What we are suggesting is you extend him NO favors and NO courtesies. He is a stranger. He is on his OWN. 
_
You are NOT his MOTHER._

Put him in your rear view mirror.



laroo said:


> He's clearly hurting deep down


Thinking like THAT is how he can USE you so easily.

HE is DISRESPECTING YOU. You do NOT feel sorry for men who disrespect you.

Would you want your daughter worrying about her cheating boyfriend's "hurting deep down?"

Look.. people hurt, we all do.

But SOME people manage their pain and cope with maturity.

Some, like this ********* you pine over, manage their pain by hurting OTHERS instead.

You need those people around you like you need a hole in the head.

STOP feeling SORRY for an ABUSIVE LIAR.



laroo said:


> and in a mess to be in this situation in the first place. He's in a whirlwind right now.


Who cares.. put him in your rear view mirror.



laroo said:


> Kaleigh I definitely agree...she boosts his ego alright. She is submissive (because she is his employee and is getting PAID...duh..). So yeah he thinks she worships the ground he walks on and that feels good for him.


Don't paint OW out to be the only bad guy here. They are BOTH disrespecting you. They both deceive you. They both cheat on you. They both USE you.

She may be doing what you type, but HE is ALLOWING her to do it. He's just as BAD.

Read view MIRROR.



laroo said:


> It is sad that his parents never showed him what real love looks like and I don't think he even knows what a healthy relationship feels like. But oh yeah...enough about them.


The more you type about them, the more you just dig yourself deeper into a ditch.

Climb OUT. Put him in your rear view mirror and be done with it.

Stop worrying about how he feels, or what he says.

What MATTERs is what he DOES. THIS is what you teach your daughter when you teach her about MEN.

a. Don't listen to what they say
b. Don't become infatuated with how they look

c. Listen and Look at what they DO, and ONLY what the DO.

What does your husband do?

a. He lies
b. He exploits
c. He uses
d. He cheats
e. He manipulates

THAT is what you think is worth of your time and attention?

Hell I can find criminals in jail that match that checklist.



laroo said:


> Sorry Allen.  (or should I say sorry to myself for wasting my time talking about them). in the voice of winnie the pooh, "oh botha."


Yes, you need to love you. HE isn't doing it. That is YOUR job.

Right now you BOTH are loving HIM.

That's what's sad.

You put your energy into doing something nice for yourself.

Go take a yoga class or something calming and rewarding.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Move on. For yourself. He's already made you suffer. Don't do it to yourself.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

You are amazing, Allen. Thank you so much. This is a wake up call I need. I have to start believing this. And the part about actions not words or looks...yep he's got the words and the looks...how many times since the separation I said, "SHOW ME," and he didn't. 



Allen_A said:


> You need those people around you like you need a hole in the head.


This cracked me up. 



Allen_A said:


> You put your energy into doing something nice for yourself.
> Go take a yoga class or something calming and rewarding.


Brilliant. I have the best gym so I will. I've been in a rut since mid February so it's time I get out of it. 

Thanks for cheering me up and giving me a hand as I move forward in this. It is SO HARD!!! It is losing a loved one!!! I cannot express more how nice it is to have been able to count on all of you when I didn't know what to say or do or think next. I'd be talking to my parents and not getting anywhere because they have their own anger with him to deal with and they mainly just rehash all the nasty stuff he has done which just ends up being a depressing reminder to me of what I already know...so on and so on. 

So this is how we become wise. Thanks everyone for sharing your wisdom and encouragement and support.


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