# NO sex drive! help :(



## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

I don't know what's wrong with me! Well I actually have some ideas...but most is just LIFE! I'm 30 and pretty much never want to have sex. Its like trying to get the motivation to work out! Granted, I'm a horrible insomniac, have a 2 year old and always in physical pain b/c of my back. That's still not a good enough excuse to leave the poor guy to his own devices. We have the normal stuff that drives each other crazy (me more than him!) And since I'm home most of the day I have time to SEE everything that bugs me and make it a bigger deal. We are prob stressed about $ more than usual right now but stress isn't going to ever go away! How do you deal with it? How can you put aside everything and WANT to have sex? Don't get me wrong, its not bad and I'm always glad we did it after...its just before I really have no interest. I AM on an anxiety med that I know can reduce but I was on it when we dated and it wasn't a problem. 

I just really need some help here...I'm pretty positive we'd both be happier if we did it more often. Any suggestions? Thanks
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

what-to-do said:


> I just really need some help here...I'm pretty positive we'd both be happier if we did it more often. Any suggestions?


Do it more often.

Seriously, come on to him, flirt with him.

If you always do it in bed do it on the kitchen table.

Do it in the car, do it differently.

Do it even if you don`t really want to because you know you`ll like it when it happens.

Do it in the bath tub, do it over the kitchen counter.

JUST DO IT!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree... just do it. If you do not feel like it.. let him turn you on. The more sex a woman has, the more she wants it.

Also check your medication... look it up on google and see if it reduces sex drive. If it does you might want to change it.


Check out the book "Change Your Mind, Change Your Body" by Dr. Amen.... it can help you get off the meds and not need them any more.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

Haha!! You're right! I know that's what NEEDS to happen and I'll get this fired up feeling...and then its gone  or its 1 day or something. I don't know if its b/c I physically feel so horrible or something 'deeper' or what! My sister is a machine (married 10 yrs- 5 kids) so ya think I would have some of that gene right?! Anyone have a little pep talk they give themself every morning?! 
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You don't need to be fired up to start having sex.... the idea of foreplay is for him to seduce you into wanting it... just go with the flow and enjoy it.

Do you physically feel horrible? What deeper might be going on?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

what-to-do said:


> I don't know what's wrong with me!
> <snip>
> I just really need some help here...I'm pretty positive we'd both be happier if we did it more often. Any suggestions? Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So,

1 You're an insomniac;
2 Have a two-year old;
3 Are in constant pain;
4 Are worried about money and
5 Are taking anxiolytic medication.

Bloody hell, it's a tribute to you that you have a sex drive at all!

Is there anything further that you can do about 1 and 3? Whether medical, dietary, physical (exercise, physio etc), spiritual (mediation etc)? If you are able to manage the pain and sleep better it might be a great help to you.

As for 2, it will improve. It might not seem like it, but it will. The issues will change, but the sheer combat of dealing with a two year old _will_ go away. Any relatives able to take a turn in the barrel and grant you a respite? Every little helps!

Do you feel that your emotional needs are being met? This will help with sexuality, but by the sound of things there are some other, bigger obstacles too.

If you can manage to have sex and even more, enjoyable sex, it frequently acts as a stress reducer and helps a lot of people to relax and rest more effectively


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

Well, I'm a 'medical mystery' they say! Which means they just want to keep writing rx  i said I want to be done with all meds (for the most part) they gave me stuff to sleep-then stay awake- just too much for me! But my pain has been forever! Bad arthritis and "Fibromyalgia" (that I don't really believe in) but I've had 2 back surgeries and just recently started spinal blocks.. I'm hoping the next one this week helps!

I'm trying to get in a better frame of mind about everything, its just easier said than done. The crazy part is I know we need to, I DO feel better after... I just can't get myself to WANT to! Maybe I just need to force myself. It seems like there should be some kind of answer for why I don't and how to fix it  well I guess I will just keep reading these and hopefully I can re-program myself!
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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

what-to-do said:


> I'm trying to get in a better frame of mind about everything, its just easier said than done. The crazy part is I know we need to, I DO feel better after... I just can't get myself to WANT to! Maybe I just need to force myself. It seems like there should be some kind of answer for why I don't and how to fix it  well I guess I will just keep reading these and hopefully I can re-program myself!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm in the same boat! I have no urge to do it, I'm trying like you are  This past weekend, we ventured into an adult store, got a few videos and proceeded to have a very nice relaxing, sexual weekend. I actually got turned on for the first time this weekend and even initiated on Sunday. We have 3 year old twins, so it's a challenge to even have energy. We have financial problems as well. I think you have the right attitude about it and that's probably a big step. You know you should, you want to want to, etc... Yes, life is full of stress, and you really shouldn't stress about this... Just take a few minutes and decide to do it, regardless of whether you want to or not, just start. Good luck to you!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I'm in the same boat! I have no urge to do it, I'm trying like you are  This past weekend, we ventured into an adult store, got a few videos and proceeded to have a very nice relaxing, sexual weekend. I actually got turned on for the first time this weekend and even initiated on Sunday. We have 3 year old twins, so it's a challenge to even have energy. We have financial problems as well. *I think you have the right attitude about it and that's probably a big step*. You know you should, you want to want to, etc... Yes, life is full of stress, and you really shouldn't stress about this... Just take a few minutes and decide to do it, regardless of whether you want to or not, just start. Good luck to you!


:iagree:

People always think that lust and drive needs to always be this spontaneous, overpowering physical urge.

Honestly, when they say that sex begins between your ears, and not your legs -they are not kidding.

Your attitude and willingness to do can make all the difference in the world, and it can drive you just as far, just as fast, and just as hard as anything else.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Are you ever too stressed to shop? 
Are you ever too stressed to go on a fancy date or see a movie you want to see or get a massage or eat your favorite food or anything else you traditionally see as fun? 

I think, like other people here are suggesting, is that you have to be open to being turned on - open to the idea that you can enjoy this.

Very rarely do people on here say they're too stressed to shop for clothes, or too stressed to eat ice cream, or too stressed to cash their paychecks, or too stressed to enjoy the emotional attention of their spouse - they've already framed these as positives, not as chores.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

I don't really understand what you're trying to say... That I should want to have sex? I'm well aware I SHOULD want to but I don't normally and looking for suggestions to help that
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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I'm mostly just echoing enchantment - allow yourself to think of it as a good thing.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

Ahhh  thank you! We'll see how tonight goes...been cookin all day and I may even shave my legs! Haha!!! Thanks guys!
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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sex is a great stress reliever. It will keep you connected emotionally to your husband, and help you weather the rough patches in life.

Just do it! Even though you may not be in the mood initially, get started, and your love for your husband will carry you through. As others have said, the more you make love with your sweetie, the more you will want to.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

what-to-do said:


> Ahhh  thank you! We'll see how tonight goes...been cookin all day and I may even shave my legs! Haha!!! Thanks guys!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck, have fun, and keep on keeping on!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

what-to-do said:


> Ahhh  thank you! We'll see how tonight goes...been cookin all day and I may even shave my legs! Haha!!! Thanks guys!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best wishes! Hope it turns out good  I'm still working on my drive, so if you find something that helps, by all means share


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I think of it like I think of going on "dates" with my GF. 

I've never felt a spontaneous, powerful desire to go out on a date with her. I never "feel" anything analogous to when I see her walking around in her panties and have to have her. 

But I enjoy the fun stuff we do together when we DO go out. We've formed a lot of lasting memories doing things together. It's awesome when we go on dates; I just don't 'hunger' for it. 

Even less-relatedly: I never say I MUST HAVE A STEAK RIGHT NOW. I know I enjoy the taste of steak, so I buy it. I don't have to have some sort of overpowering specific desire for it.


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## what-to-do (Jan 1, 2012)

Well... We are going to call it 'Make Out Monday' now! Haha  we did have a great time and I still can't figure out why its so much 'work' to want to do it but again, was glad I did! Not so happy that my lil guy got up at 4:30am though! Ohh and I always sleep better after too...that's a cheap medicine!
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

what-to-do said:


> Well... We are going to call it 'Make Out Monday' now! Haha  we did have a great time and I still can't figure out why its so much 'work' to want to do it but again, was glad I did! Not so happy that my lil guy got up at 4:30am though! Ohh and I always sleep better after too...that's a cheap medicine!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you! :smthumbup:

It really helped me when both myself and my husband just accepted the way that I am and began to work with it. Instead of looking at one or the other of us as having somehow defective sex drives, we started to look at ways of working with what both of us have. Maybe it seems more like 'work' because you feel the desire and arousal after you begin (like me) rather than before: 

Desire In Women: Does It Lead To Sex? Or Result From It? | Psychology Today

Best wishes.


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