# I need help and have a question for the Ladies.



## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

Question for the Ladies
Hello I need to ask the Ladies on this forum a question. I'm turning 40 in April and my wife turned 42 at the end of September, I officially separated with my wife near the end of October. We have been together over 15 years and married for over 12 years. We have 4 kids together, boy 13 in Feb, girl 12 in June, boy 9 in August and a girl 5 in April. My eldest kid has a rare genetical disability. Anyway I have had a number of bad things happen in my life that led to me having depression for a number of years. 

Anyway I really love my wife, she's a great woman and a good girl in every sence of the word. She wanted to separate and wants us to sell the house 50/50 and do the custody 50/50, (more or less, go our separate ways try again in a year or so). She understandably has a truckload of resentment that has built up over the years and says she just needs to be away from me for awhile so she can deal with it, she says that she needs to know both of us can make on our own, before we start over again.

She has always been very driven and goal orientated and has put a number of goals (dreams) on hold because of my situation. I have owned my part in BS that went on in our marriage. She has told me that she does love me (especially as the father of her kids) but doesn't know if she's "in love" with me. 

Before everyone says she is having an affair, it's probably going to take around 6 to 12 months to get our house ready for sale and said that she is alright us living together (separate beds) until our house sells. I know this girl better than anyone and she is no bed hopper, she has had long stints of being single without BF's (and sex) before we started going out. Even when we started going out I slept next to her for a couple of months before I slept with her.

Our whole marriage hasn't been bad, we have had a few good years. Anyway I love my wife dearly and I want to keep my family together. I have finally kicked the depression and now feel the best I have in years and year and I'm able to give her what she wants, but she says she needs time to heal. I was very Alpha when we first met and now I suppose I'm quite Beta now but I'm working on getting my old self back.

ATM I feel a bit heart broken and alone although im not depressed. She's always been a person of her word and I believe her when she says that she wants to start again after having a break to heal but we (she) really needs to get that attraction going with me again. I suppose my question is do you think that, if I do the right things she could fall in love with me again or is it impossible to get it back once it's gone.

Thanks TAM Ladies


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I think it's worth trying to do the right things. But if she says she needs time and space to heal, give it to her. If you push forward with an attitude of "I will fix this and you will love me again!" without giving her that space, she'll feel unheard and disrespected.

Make it clear through your words and actions that you would like to become a better person. And make sure you actually know what she needs from you, not just what you think she needs.

Sometimes the whole "love you but not in love" thing translates to "I don't hate you, and have some platonic feelings for you, but no longer feel romantic affection for you."

But be prepared for the fact that she may really be done. Sometimes, once a woman loses faith that her husband will give her what she needs, she can't get that faith back. 

Best of luck to you both!


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

that.girl said:


> I think it's worth trying to do the right things. But if she says she needs time and space to heal, give it to her. If you push forward with an attitude of "I will fix this and you will love me again!" without giving her that space, she'll feel unheard and disrespected.
> 
> Make it clear through your words and actions that you would like to become a better person. And make sure you actually know what she needs from you, not just what you think she needs.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. I don't know what to do, I really stuffed things up and I feel so much guilt, regret and sorrow. I love this woman and now I feel heartbroken and empty. I can't stop thinking about everything and I have this lump in my throat, a hollow feeling in my guts and so much pain in my heart, which is what she has probably felt for so long and I just couldn't get it together for her.

She such a strong, smart and beautiful woman and she deserved so much better, it was all up to me and I let her down. The really stupid thing is I had searched for her all my life and I finally found her and this is what I've done. I have never been religious but I'm now praying that she can get through the resentment and find it in her heart to love me again.

I have acquired a couple of programs to help me be a better man, husband and father, not only for her but for me as well. I just have to watch myself so I don't become depressed again as that will be the death blow to our relationship.

I would love to hear what some other women think, has anyone here fallen out of love and back in again with the same person?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Honestly, it depends on what she is resenting you for and her personality. Some women, once they are done...it's done. Others may be able to give it another shot depending on what's happened in the marriage.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Honestly, it depends on what she is resenting you for and her personality. Some women, once they are done...it's done. Others may be able to give it another shot depending on what's happened in the marriage.


True, you can't change the past, just treat her with love and respect while you are living together. I hope she is able to put away her resentment and focus on the future with you as it would be a lot better for your children for you two to stay together as a family.


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