# I think I'm getting there. Moving on.



## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi everyone!

I think I'm getting there. I know I still have some creeks to cross, but I've finally been washed ashore and I'm no longer out there swimming with the sharks, trying to find my way to land. I think that is the best way I know how to describe it. I literally felt like I was in the middle of the Ocean, with only 1 arm, trying to get ashore and every time I thought I was getting pushed a little closer, a big wave came and pulled me back out to the middle again. I don't know how many times I sank, and thought I drowned. But, I somehow managed to learn to swim with that 1 arm... and I got to shore. I'm still wet.. and I'll probably get drenched again by the next stormy creek I cross, but I'm out of the ocean... and, I can literally feel the relief. I can see now, that I'm not going to get taken down... I made it.

It's been 1 year now, since I initially found out and knew deep down (whether or not I admitted it or not, is another story) that there was an affair - and, the end was near. Physically he was still there until July - Emotionally or Mentally he was gone long before. I can actually say to myself - Wow... :scratchhead: Did I really act like a fool for a man who did those things? 

It's not that easy though... He's still in my head too much. I'm trying to retrain my thoughts, so that when he does come up - I immediately start telling myself, how much better off I am. Then before I know it, I am on to something else. I usually don't even realize it, it's just like one of those things... kind of like, "Oh I need to add butter to my grocery list" - and just like that, you're on to something else. That is how it kinda feels. But, I still have those moments of "thinking of what I need to add to my list, before I go". 

The big thing is, I now know I am better off. I truly believe that, and I'm actually enjoying my life *as is*. I don't dwell on the past, I don't dwell on the now. I see the future, and my future looks good. I'm laughing again, I smile. I am singing in my car when I go places. I'm a friendlier person again, I almost think I feel stronger too!

He is still a POS though, haven't talked to him since last time I posted something a couple weeks ago. We're still fighting our way through settlement/court through the attorneys. We go next week for "support" issues. Our final is in May, but I hope to settle long before that. I want this over and behind me today, not tomorrow. So I can truly move on.

I hope this helps someone who is feeling defeated, and like their is no tomorrow or hope. Because trust me. I was there. I was there! This board has been an absolute Godsend to me. Wonderful wonderful place to be, truly good people. Stick with us, and you too will get to where I am and beyond. 

My old thread, to see the madness: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...cant-i-get-over-him-please-help-my-story.html


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Love this!!!!


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

Google stages of grief. 

Shock, denial, bargaining anger, acceptance is one model. There are others that are all similar.

Most go back thru some stages with triggering many times in progressively shorter duration. 

You map where you are and what is happening pretty easily with practice. 

I think triggers cause a visit back to other stages but they get shorter and shorter as you work your way thru the process. 

Congratulations on your awesome progress.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Time is also a factor. When a big seismic shift occurs in your life, most people will try and do everything to keep the norm together. Sometimes we do not recognize how bad the reality really is, and emotions and feeling will color any lense we see the world through.

You just needed others to help you remove those glasses, and help you get a better perception of the more probable reality.

You did come a long way, and there will be more bumps in the road. Keep your logic, and allow yourself to feel those emotions.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lost, you've done a phenomenal job! I remember when you first started posting you were a pathetic, desperate mess. Now you're a strong woman with her life ahead of her and are so much better off. Your ex was a user, and I still wouldn't be surprised if the day comes when he's tried out all kinds of trash and realizes he really can't do better and tries to come back. Hopefully on that day you'll pity him and nothing more. 

Get out there are enjoy your life, and keep posting 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It's hard...... I was in a relationship after the D and yes, I handled my then

XWs emails and reaches with flair. But the fact it was over hurt. 15+ years....

Where does the feeling go when the feeling's gone? You were a unit, one person

for so long and now....... you are alone. Huge transition.


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## fastmonza (Mar 15, 2015)

Thank's for your update. I am still in the beginning of my wife wanting to leave and trying to change this so she will stay. Doubt it will happen. I like your shark analogy. If I used that I would say right now I am swimming with the sharks and there biting at me! Wow do I have a long road ahead. Thank's for the encouragement and good luck to you. I hope bridges start getting built over those creeks.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Great post. I'm with the sharks now, too, but will soon be making my way to the shore for the second time (same man). I know I can do it, but it still is so painful right now, and your post is really encouraging to me. Thanks for posting .


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Lost40 said:


> The big thing is, I now know I am better off....I'm laughing again, I smile. *I am singing in my car when I go places.* I'm a friendlier person again, I almost think I feel stronger too!












:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Good for you for making it through a difficult battle and recognizing that you worked your way through each stage, and are coming out of it a stronger person.

I had to walk away from a very emotionally toxic environment. I still love my husband but I know that I can no longer accept the way we were living. It's been super hard and I completely agree that although we all know the stages of grief (shock/denial/anger/acceptance), there are triggers. Those triggers push you from acceptance, to one of the previous stages, for a time. But you know the saying..."fall 7 times, get up 8". Or, it's like the nursery rhyme my daughter listens to...Itsy Bitsy spider gets washed down the waterspout, but he patiently waits for the rain to stop and he just gets back up again...never gives up lol.

If he was cheating on you, he did NOT deserve you. You stood up for yourself and stopped allowing him to hurt you. You are building a new life. There is so much to be proud of - hold your head high and be gentle and good to yourself. <3


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## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Good for you for making it through a difficult battle and recognizing that you worked your way through each stage, and are coming out of it a stronger person.
> 
> I had to walk away from a very emotionally toxic environment. I still love my husband but I know that I can no longer accept the way we were living. It's been super hard and I completely agree that although we all know the stages of grief (shock/denial/anger/acceptance), there are triggers. Those triggers push you from acceptance, to one of the previous stages, for a time. But you know the saying..."fall 7 times, get up 8". Or, it's like the nursery rhyme my daughter listens to...Itsy Bitsy spider gets washed down the waterspout, but he patiently waits for the rain to stop and he just gets back up again...never gives up lol.
> 
> If he was cheating on you, he did NOT deserve you. You stood up for yourself and stopped allowing him to hurt you. You are building a new life. There is so much to be proud of - hold your head high and be gentle and good to yourself. <3


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well…every story is different as is every recovery.

I can sense the power, but I caution you to not rush to your recovery. If you do, you will cut corners.
Be prepared for swirls back into anger or triggered states. A lot of things can set them off and they can come at the weirdest times.
If you do swirl back in, don’t get angry at yourself. It’s a very natural pattern. Sometimes a good swirl in and out is worth its weight in insight.

Above all else…be kind to yourself.
This is not a process for the faint of heart and it HAS destroyed people who have gone through it.

You are entering a new world. You will see things you didn’t see before. 
Take note of them

Yes, you made it to the beach. Now it’s time to sit under the trees and get some shade and some perspective about where you want to go.
Rest up a bit, take water and nourishment and breathe.
The end goal of the journey is to climb the mountain of your Self.

I heartily suggest being well rested before you do so.

I use the shipwreck analogy a lot because it is so apt.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Fake it till you make it. The several times I had to meet the STBXW at the courthouse,

I pulled off an Oscar-worthy performance. Don't know how I did it.

She would ask me to call her or come home. I wouldn't. I stepped into the light.

The last half of the 60 day wait opened my eyes to so many things.

After the D final, she would come to the house for doggy swap and I noticed

red bumps all over her face. She said the Dr. said it was shingles. In other words,

nerves! Two months prior to that meeting.... I was a total mess.

Photos never had bothered me..... that time they did. But I climbed out of the 

rabbit hole. The stronger I became, it was like... the weaker she did.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Aren't you ever so grateful to be where you are now, instead of the beginning of it all!!!

If I had to go thur all this hell again, I think I'ld shoot myself...

~sammy


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> After the D final, she would come to the house for doggy swap and I noticed
> 
> red bumps all over her face. She said the Dr. said it was shingles. In other words,
> 
> nerves! Two months prior to that meeting.... I was a total mess.


Yep, Every time I met my ex at public functions I told her I was sorry she was sick. She looked terrible.

Little did I realize that was her real face...I guess love IS blind...or at the very least farsighted.

I still ask her if she is sick just to razz her a little....I know.
I'm a bad man.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The way I handled her through the 60 day wait, I can't believe how I went about it.

Maybe it was the sociopath coming out in me. I was cold and heartless.

But let us recall how she was on DDay..... stay married but do our own thing.

After the D.... I would still get her mail, she never forwarded them, and

every month I would place bets with mom and new g/f how many NSF charges 

she collected each bank statement. I tried to open avenues to work things out

and she ignored them. After a certain amount of time, the blood in my veins 

turned to ice. I hate I turned that way but I had no choice.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Hi all,
I'm glad I offered some encouragement. I don't always have the best way of describing things, but I do remember telling my friends or family, that is literally felt like I was out in the ocean trying to swim with one arm - and everyone was there, watching - and encouraging me and giving me tips on how they swam - but, I wanted the lifeboat.. and there wasn't one to be had. LOL

It was hell, and I know full well I'm not 100%. I have too much "court and settlement" stuff yet to go through to be through it, but -- I've made a huge leap... I'm on the beach. As lifestooshort said... its actually very accurate - I was a pathetic mess. Seriously.  

Ohhhh how I hope it doesn't come falling down again, but it will - I have told myself it probably will... something will trigger it, something will happen that I'll want someone there to share it with or an anniversary or something... But - I have hope that, it too shall pass and it will pass much quicker. Won't last as long.

We've started our settlement phase, and its going slow like I figured it would. Call for 2-3 questions and then get told, okay I'll call you back... When? Tomorrow probably. UGH. :sleeping: I want this over with. Where as if you asked me this even a couple months ago, I would've said "No... I'm in no rush, I'd rather not even be here" - Now, I am. Not sure why, other than just getting it behind me.

I don't ever see him trying to crawl his way back, but - even if he does - there isn't a chance in hell. How many men do that, when they were the one to file, and show such hate and anger? Maybe I'm fooling myself. I am pretty confident it won't even bother me if he does, I'll probably just give him a little Sorry about your decision - my life is good, and you now see yours was too. Too bad. I would like the chance to say that though. haha. 

I don't look forward to the day he comes to get the rest of his belongings. I'd personally prefer not even being here. But - I'm not sure how that would work? Any ideas? I think it's helped me a great deal that our actually seeing one another has stopped - that its actually done a lot of good. We used to see one another at sons games.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

When my STBXW stopped coming home around the time we filed, it hurt at first

but after a few days, I was glad she wasn't around. Made it easier to move past things.

She would be home every weekend but after the hide n go seek games ended and she 

came home every night from work...... it annoyed me. After a couple weeks of

banter but none on fixing M, I left. Spot checked house every few days but

might have said 12 words to her the last month of 60 day wait minus 

courthouse meetings. The only way we had communication was through emails.

That was my choice.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Lost40 said:


> I don't look forward to the day he comes to get the rest of his belongings. I'd personally prefer not even being here. But - I'm not sure how that would work? Any ideas? I think it's helped me a great deal that our actually seeing one another has stopped - that its actually done a lot of good. We used to see one another at sons games.


Pack his stuff up. So the day he's ready you can just hand him some boxes and send him on his marry way. And that way he doesn't take what's yours.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> Pack his stuff up. So the day he's ready you can just hand him some boxes and send him on his marry way. And that way he doesn't take what's yours.


Pack it up AND mail it or drop it off.

Not sure why this hasn't occurred to her yet.. but now's a good time.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

My ex left me saying "I didnt realize I had SOOO little."

So once she left I packed up everything she left behind according to her wishes "I just want my stuff back from before we got married."

I packed it neatly and well and cleaned out each room systematically. In the end, I had 63 standard moving boxes of her stuff.

...which I nicely brought over to her new house and left on her porch.

Thinking on it now, I should have sent her a bill for moving her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Pack his stuff up and put it in a storage unit

pay the first bill and mail him the key


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

The reason I haven't mailed it or packed it up, is because one item is a piano, the other a 65" TV and a large bookshelf. All the books and other small crap I did go ahead and box up, and have them in garage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Lost40 said:


> The reason I haven't mailed it or packed it up, is because one item is a piano, the other a 65" TV and a large bookshelf. All the books and other small crap I did go ahead and box up, and have them in garage.


Hire a guy with a van from Craigslist for $100 bucks and have the stuff moved to his place or outside under a tarp and tell him he better pick it up before it rains or tell him you're going to place an ad and sell the stuff if he doesn't pick it up by the end of the month.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

I didn't think about that craigslist idea, thats a good one. Problem in our state and county, you are automatically enrolled in some kind of stupid, court order - that you aren't allowed to "sell, hide, remove, or damage" items left or in your possession - until everything is final or at least they get what they ask for in settlement. So, this is why I am stuck with it on my property. I've asked attorney at least a half a dozen times, can I get rid of it yet? I'm always told not if you want to comply with court orders. Which I do.

So thats why its all packed up in boxes, except the big stuff and in the garage.

I just don't want to see his stupid self when he comes to get it. Maybe I'll do the craigslist idea when I'm allowed - and do it that way. I prefer that!


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