# Why are women eternally bitter?



## ArgleBargle (Dec 31, 2015)

I am not the one "considering" divorce. It just looks like it will be forced upon me.

My marriage is dissolving. My wife has flatly told me there is nothing I can do to fix. First, I did wrong her, two years ago. I had an online affair--no physical contact, but it's still an affair. She claimed that she forgave me. I have since been in therapy to the present day and kept my nose clean. I admitted all my guilt, everything I did. I have repented. She has free access to my phone, all my passwords, I even have Google Maps tell her my position at all times. I have offered to wear a GPS bracelet for her. She claimed to have forgiven me, but she has always made it very clear that she forgives but she never forgets--which I have heard from every other woman I know if the subject of forgiveness comes up.

Anyway, when we married, she moved out here with me and brought her children. She took a large economic drop to do so. I had told her that I wanted to stay here because I wanted to spend more time with my kids. Well, my ex-wife does what she can to interfere with that while skirting the law so no action can be taken. Thus, I turn out to not spend as much time as I would have wished. Therefore, I must have been "lying" about that.

Second, she is from NYC and is black. Things are much harder for her in the middle of Indiana, including that our marriage is interracial. I understand that she has difficulties. Since I am from Indiana, I am ultimately to blame for that.

But she keeps telling me that I just don't measure up and that she cannot be happy here. She has even admitted that she is nursing bitterness--like it seems all other women are eager to do. She is aware of the problems of the roots of bitterness, but she still embraces bitterness. I have been told that the only thing I can do is give her the lifestyle she had been used to, and even then, that probably won't matter.

Are there ANY women at all who are not eager to water the roots of bitterness? Why do women adore being bitter so much? She must LOVE being bitter in order to indulge in it so eagerly.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Women tend to stop being bitter when they are happy. As long as she is unhappy she will nurse bitterness.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have to wonder why you'd start such an inflammatory thread making the statement that *women* are bitter. It's not a gender specific emotion. In fact, I've noticed that often men hold on to the bitterness of disappointment more strongly then women, who seem to bounce back after negative situations with more flexibility than men.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Speaking of bitter, why group all women into one category?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ArgleBargle said:


> I am not the one "considering" divorce. It just looks like it will be forced upon me.
> 
> My marriage is dissolving. My wife has flatly told me there is nothing I can do to fix. First, I did wrong her, two years ago. I had an online affair--no physical contact, but it's still an affair. She claimed that she forgave me. I have since been in therapy to the present day and kept my nose clean. I admitted all my guilt, everything I did. I have repented. She has free access to my phone, all my passwords, I even have Google Maps tell her my position at all times. I have offered to wear a GPS bracelet for her. She claimed to have forgiven me, but she has always made it very clear that she forgives but she never forgets--which I have heard from every other woman I know if the subject of forgiveness comes up.
> 
> ...


Two things.

First, I find your emotional juxtaposition in this matter rather fascinating. Your online affair triggered this entire matter. Now it is her fault for nursing bitterness? 

It doesn't matter if you didn't touch. An affair is an affair. She was still likely crushed over it. Her forgiveness is not owed to you. It is a gift.

Second, be careful not to fall into the "all women" trap. Some women are able to let their bitterness go when proper things have been done to earn said forgiveness. Others do not have that ability. 

Based on your post, I have some questions as to whether or not you have done truly taken the proper steps. Sure, you have taken steps for transparency. However, there is still some minimizing and blame shifting going on. 

That is not remorse. That is regret. Based on that, your wife is right to leave you. It is a natural consequence of stepping out on your marriage, whether literal or virtual.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You sound like a very bitter man. Oh and a cheater.

Not exactly a prize catch mate.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If you are not able to visit your children like you wanted, and your wife is not being treated the way she should be treated, have you considered moving back to where you came from, so at least she can be happy? It sounds like you uprooted her for nothing except for your own needs to be met. The things you promised, and which she sacrificed for by leaving her job for you have not panned out. Is it time to accept that and move back to where the two of you used to live where she can get work, and she and her children will be treated better?

By accepting that things aren't turning out the way you had hoped, and making changes (moving to a place where the two of you will be happy) so the uprooted spouse can get their life back and be happy shows them that you were not lying, and that you are willing to consider their needs.

Otherwise, it might look to her that you really haven't changed from the selfish lying person you were when you were carrying on in your secret affair.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

So much bitter advice from women so far. Let's help the guy out.

Your wife never got over your emotional affair. The fact that you invested emotions in another woman is probably something that neither women nor men could get over. The inability to forgive infidelity is not just an issue with women--I'd be the same way. The fact that it didn't go physical probably doesn't matter to her, because you'd already crossed the line emotionally. If you did not sufficiently apologize at the time, I'd say you should get started now. It can't hurt to apologize every day. 

In her mind, she made a huge sacrifice for you by moving and you repaid her by partially disengaging from the relationship. Does she have outside activities that can keep her busy and fulfill her? Could you move closer to a major urban center? It wouldn't be as close to your kids, but it sounds like you're not able to see them as much as you'd like anyway.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

I am a man, and was cheated on by my ex-girlfriend (then fiance). Was bitter over it for years. For a while, it seemed like I would be eternally bitter. 

From my experience alone, I estimate stretches of bitterness are not a gender-specific thing. These stretches of bitterness occur for as long as people cannot accept their reality and constructively cope with it, letting it instead consume their mind and block their happiness.

It seems like your wife's bitterness has far more to it than your EA, and this is perhaps why all your openness has achieved so little with her. She seems mad about making big sacrifices for you, but only being repaid by your unfaithfulness.

It doesn't appear that you've come to TAM to seek advice, but rather to start a very close-minded and inflammatory thread on why your wife's bitterness is somehow the artifact of a general problem plaguing women. 

Even though you're not seeking advice, here's mine: Get yourself in the mode of blaming yourself just as much as others; you are part of this problem, sir.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Rather broad statement. Some may be bitter but we all aren't. 

There's no such thing as forgetting after you've been cheated on. You may eventually forgive but it wouldn't be wise to forget it happened. That's just asking for a repeat down the line. 

Not every spouse can get beyond being cheated on. Blame yourself for the situation you're in.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Why did you have an online affair so early in your marriage?

That would be difficult for many who are in a new marriage to overcome.

Perhaps a more fair question would be "why do a series of serious mistakes in a marriage cost us everything"?

Now that would be a path worth understanding...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nope. We're all horrible bitter people...... don't bother with any of us.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You should read the book "Dance of Anger." It's really written for women but it might clue you into their emotions over very common life occurrences.

My interpretation of bitterness in women is based on a few criteria:
- There is some unresolved past issue that was never fully closed out to her satisfaction (holding resentment).
- There was greater sacrifice on her part and a feeling that her partner's overall sacrifice in the relationship was not nearly equal to what she has given up.
- There is lack of respect for her partner, whether from past mistakes, past infidelity, past inaction, laziness, passivity, "nice guy" behavior, lack of leadership and/or inability/lack of desire to defend her from enemies or interfering family members.
- There is a feeling that she is with a child that needs looking after / picking up after rather than an equal partner.
- There is no gratitude received for the small/large thoughtful things she does. She is just supposed to do these things because she's the wife.

The list could be much longer if I put more thought into it, but I think those are some of the top most complaints we have had from female posters here, plus what I've gathered from experience with other women I've known throughout my years on this planet.

I hope that offers a bit more cerebral perspective.


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## ResignedWife (Jan 20, 2017)

ArgleBargle said:


> Are there ANY women at all who are not eager to water the roots of bitterness? Why do women adore being bitter so much? She must LOVE being bitter in order to indulge in it so eagerly.


Way to lump all women into one behavior category. 

Despite being in a less than stellar marriage, I am not bitter, and never was. Even after I discovered my husband was having an EA a few years ago, I forgave him completely and moved on. No bitterness whatsoever. But it is not an event that was forgotten - and never shall be. Fool me once, after all. 

Just because YOU are with a woman who is bitter does not mean ALL women are bitter. But your past actions have not helped.

She has admitted she feels some bitterness - it's up to you (and her) to work together to figure out how to alleviate it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some people are bitter, some are not. 

In your case though she has some cause. You did cheat. You've moved to an area where she is uncomfortable. She had to take a pay cut. 

What is making her life good now? What does she have to be happy about?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

ArgleBargle said:


> I am not the one "considering" divorce. It just looks like it will be forced upon me.
> 
> My marriage is dissolving. My wife has flatly told me there is nothing I can do to fix. First, I did wrong her, two years ago. I had an online affair--no physical contact, but it's still an affair. She claimed that she forgave me. I have since been in therapy to the present day and kept my nose clean. I admitted all my guilt, everything I did. I have repented. She has free access to my phone, all my passwords, I even have Google Maps tell her my position at all times. I have offered to wear a GPS bracelet for her. She claimed to have forgiven me, but she has always made it very clear that she forgives but she never forgets--which I have heard from every other woman I know if the subject of forgiveness comes up.
> 
> ...



OP you should be smart enough to realize a blanket statement that "all women are bitter" is categorically untrue. So ask yourself this question...if all the women you know are "bitter" what's the common denominator in their lives? Here's a hint, look in the mirror.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ArgleBargle said:


> I am not the one "considering" divorce. It just looks like it will be forced upon me.
> 
> My marriage is dissolving. My wife has flatly told me there is nothing I can do to fix. First, I did wrong her, two years ago. I had an online affair--no physical contact, but it's still an affair. She claimed that she forgave me. I have since been in therapy to the present day and kept my nose clean. I admitted all my guilt, everything I did. I have repented. She has free access to my phone, all my passwords, I even have Google Maps tell her my position at all times. I have offered to wear a GPS bracelet for her. She claimed to have forgiven me, but she has always made it very clear that she forgives but she never forgets--which I have heard from every other woman I know if the subject of forgiveness comes up.
> 
> ...


AB, instead of focusing on your wife and her supposed bitterness, perhaps you should look at yourself first.

1. you had the affair
2. you moved her away from her family

It seems to be all about you and what you want, you do not come across as meeting her needs and I assume you are failing in this department, a woman will be forgiving (she will not forget but wont bring it up) if her man is doing everything to show her he cares for her. Your actions suggest you blame her for her behaviour and she ought to get over it meanwhile you must love yourself very much as you seem to put yourself first all the time, have you ever put her first in the marriage? Remember it can take up to 5 years plus to get over an A. When did you start hounding her to get over it already, I'm sure based on what I read it was pretty soon after you did your list of actions, not the way to win your wife's heart.

After you cheat on her then you drag her to the middle of nowhere, away from her career, and her own network of family and friends, so that you could be close to yours, this sounds selfish. I wonder why you are on your second marriage and are struggling, marriage is not about meeting only your needs and wants.


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