# guys night out-overreacting?



## mostlysunny (Mar 17, 2011)

I would appreciate any and all feedback! My H has a guys night out planned in a few weeks with a few buddies he has not seen in about a year. He is to meet them after work, go bar hopping and then stay the night at one of the friend's house, who is recently divorced & the other friend is soon to be separated. We have been married over 25 years, kids are out of the house....and this is new one....I feel like we are way past this, so when he told me his plan, I offered to pick him up if he needed a ride, but shared that I was not comfortable with this, told him while I understood the time with his friends, I wasn't thrilled with their entertainment for the evening, also him staying overnight at the buddies would not be my preference. Shared too that I did not feel this was something a married man in his 40s should do. He responded I was overreacting, if I trusted him it would not be an issue, & said he was doing nothing wrong, I was the one with a problem, also his plan would be easier. As a side note, while I might get together with girlfriends, it usually involves dinner or a movie, not bar hopping and overnights, just does not appeal. When I compared his plans to my girls nights out, he said if I wanted to do the above, he would have no problem with it, he trusted me....so now he has me thinking I am a shrew and second guessing myself.... thoughts?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You aren't actually articulating a concern other than,
"I don't like it."

Buddies he hasn't seen for a year or more? Why aren't you encouraging him to go have a good time?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

There are a few ways to look at this. Do you trust him is the frist question? Has he given you any inkling of a reason to believe that he would do something that crosses the line? 

I can tell you I would never ask my wife to be okay with this.........go out, get lit, bar hop, with single and recently divorced guys, and then don't come home. 

It's the don't come home part that plants the seed of question imo.

You guys need to continue to talk through this, but if he hasn't given you any reason not to trust him after all of these years. Then he may be just looking for some fun with some old friends doing some cutting up......with no intention of doing anything that truly crosses the line.


My wife's last business trip with about 4 other people I know. They stayed out until 2am in San Diego went dancing, she danced with guys from all over and was drinking.......she called me 3x and I trust her. She has never given me a reason not too.

With all that being said I don't see a reason to sleep out. Keep us posted


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

It would bother me too. It's placing him in a situation that could get sticky and I don't think that's wise. 

I'm far more social than my husband is and he's fairly understanding of this but I keep my social gatherings generally at home and ladies only generally unless it's a couple thing and then he's with me. I am assuming since one friend is divorced and one is separated that the buddies your husband are hanging out with will be looking for women and it's not appropriate for him to be doing this.

Every now and then my friends and I will actually go out but my husband always knows where I am, can contact me anytime via phone and is always the one to pick me up.

Nothing wrong with having a good time now and then but I think doing it with respect to each other's feelings is important.

A question I have for you is do you trust your husband and just don't like him putting himself in a sticky situation or do you not trust him and feel uncomfortable when he goes out without you all the time?

Either way, I understand how you feel and don't think it's strange at all.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

unless he specifically said that there would be female entertainment at his friend's house, they were going to strip clubs, he has given you reason to not trust him or does this frequently (all of which you have NOT indicated), stop acting like his mother.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I think you mean a group of 50 year old guys. That's probably a little closer to reality, unless you married at 18. Hey gals? Any of you going to get horny seeing a bunch of geriatrics partying it up at the local bar on Saturday night? Didn't think so.

When I go out drinking with a bunch of my geezer frends, hooking up with chicks isn't an option. Even if we wanted to. Even if that were the REASON we went, which it's not. And if I'm with a bunch of old friends, it's not even in the cards. 

Do not ruin this night out for him. When I opened this I thought it was a weekly thing. First time in a year? Don't even let him know you're uncomfortable with it.


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## Calliope (Mar 17, 2011)

I think you're making a big deal out of nothing. If he is seeing friends for the first time in a year and is wanting to go out and have some guy time, what's the big deal? Yeah when you go out with your friends you do something different, but that's because those are your interests... not his. If this was a habitual thing then, yes, I could see where you'd have valid concerns but this is like him wanting to let his hair down for one night.

The more you give him sh!t about this, the more it is going to make him angry and if you guilt him into not having fun with his guy friends he will resent you for it. Is it really worth it?


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## mostlysunny (Mar 17, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback. No, we haven't talked anymore about his plans. My attempt not to beleaguer my point and give him a chance to respond. I just wanted to clarify a couple of things though, this is his first time in a year to see this particular group of friends. He has guy time on a pretty regular basis, he is on a league, he may go to a game, a brewery etc. about once a week, even an occasional weekend trip to a race, the frequency depends on his schedule or what we have going on. I didn't mean to give the impression this is the first time in a year he had been anywhere with the guys! What's different is the spending the night thing after bar hopping. And yes, he did have an affair, years ago. This is my attempt to get perspective from both the wife and husband view. I am asking myself, am I reacting to our past? or is this valid for our relationship today? Is it minutiae or a big deal? I feel pretty strongly on this one, which is why I told him what I was thinking, after all, he can't read my mind.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

mostlysunny said:


> Shared too that I did not feel this was something a married man in his 40s should do.


Are you supposed to roll over and die in your 40s? I go out to bars with friends and I'm in my 40s. I go out by myself too. I have a good time. There's no harm in it as long as you aren't doing anything "harmful". 

Now if he was going to a strip club and getting a lap dance THAT is something a married man shouldn't do. Sounds like he just wants to out for some "men time" with his buddies and be able to sleep it off. 



> As a side note, while I might get together with girlfriends, it usually involves dinner or a movie, not bar hopping and overnights, just does not appeal.


So in other words, unless he does what YOU would do it isn't OK? :scratchhead: 

If you have a good marriage I'd let it go. Sounds like you've come around. 

Go out with your friends on that same night and have a good time. Then compare notes.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I really feel this comes down to TRUST. If your husband has been ever faithful in the past, open -honest, never doing anything suspicious, if he is a man or morals & character, if your relationship is in good standing , I would ask you - WHY NOT? 

It is a really rare occasion, it is not like he is going to loose all of of this (above) just cause he is with the guys. 

I wouldnt give it a 2nd thought if my husband was asked, I may miss him being at home with me that particular night, but I would want him to go -have fun, connect with your old buddies. And hopefully he would tell me what all went on afterwards. I am pretty open about such things, I think I could handle it.

Sorry, I just noticed you mentioned in the past, he did have an affair. That shakes it up a bit, I can see your worry. The past coming back up. But IF you & he has totally moved on from that time, you understand why it happened, how it happened, if you & he got past it totally, it is forgiven. Go from there.


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## mostlysunny (Mar 17, 2011)

Obviously been thinking about this a lot the last few days and doing some self evaluation. Not always a comfortable thing! I think I am letting the past color today. It used to be a common occurance for me to not know where he was, for him to come home late or not come home at all...so there is some history here.... But right now I am assigning other motivations in my mind & at this point it is nothing other than him going out, having a good time and crashing at a friends. So easy to say you have put something behind you when your trust is never tested! So spoke with H yesterday and told him I had been thinking about our conversation, that basically it comes down to me trusting him & he has not given me any reason not to, encouraged him to go and have a good time. Then I dropped it and have not brought it up since. So we'll see.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

My husband has never been unfaithful but I'd still be uncomfortable with him putting himself in your husband's position. Part of being faithful in a relationship is not willingly putting yourself in situations that could leave you vulnerable to being unfaithful.

This is why if I were going to bars every weekend and chatting up men, drinking alcohol and putting myself in bad situations I'd consider it disrespectful to my husband and and our relationship. It's the same as cozying up to a co-worker that you have feelings for and going to lunch with them while telling yourself it's no big deal because it's only work. This is also why celebrities and the types of careers/lifestyle choices that involve heavy drinking/partying as the norm don't have relationships that last.

The choices we make for ourselves in our lives do in fact say something about how much we value our relationships.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Trenton said:


> My husband has never been unfaithful but I'd still be uncomfortable with him putting himself in your husband's position. Part of being faithful in a relationship is not willingly putting yourself in situations that could leave you vulnerable to being unfaithful.
> 
> This is why if I were going to bars every weekend and chatting up men, drinking alcohol and putting myself in bad situations I'd consider it disrespectful to my husband and and our relationship. It's the same as cozying up to a co-worker that you have feelings for and going to lunch with them while telling yourself it's no big deal because it's only work. This is also why celebrities and the types of careers/lifestyle choices that involve heavy drinking/partying as the norm don't have relationships that last.
> 
> The choices we make for ourselves in our lives do in fact say something about how much we value our relationships.


i would agree if this is what he is doing. But just going bar hopping isn't putting himself "in a bad situation", assuming there's no drinking and driving. 

your examples of "cozying up to a co-worker" and "putting myself in bad situations" are taking a huge leap of faith that any of this type of behavior would be going on.

granted his past indiscretion can make trust harder to come by, but leaping to these conclusions won't help her relationship.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

He's going bar hoping with two newly single men and then staying out all night at their house. He does regularly go out and has his "man things" which don't bother her. She's certainly not over reacting and shouldn't be told to swallow her misgivings and trust him if she doesn't feel this way herself and he has cheated on her in the past.

All I'm saying is the choices we make say something about how much we value our relationships. He should respect that she has misgivings and address them in ways that make her more comfortable. I think the attitude of...hey! he just wants to have a good time with the boys and she's an overbearing wife if she won't let him...is dumb. It's just my personal feelings on the matter. I get that I'm often alone with my strong opinions and they might seem stupid as well, but hey, what's a girl gonna do?


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

yes you are over reacting


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## ddrh (Mar 20, 2011)

I have been in your shoes and have felt and can agree with your concerns. I don't think you're overreacting, but I think the answer will differ according to people's personalities and their own experiences in life--which are not exactly like yours.

I would focus on YOU. On you being emotionally secure and happy. I'm not sure about trusting him completely, we're human, we make mistakes. I would trust in God. I would focus on bettering myself... going after a quiet peace in your heart that keeps you grounded... focused on smiling, laughing, looking at the positives, praying, having goals and dreams and Living YOUR life NOW... You go out and laugh with your girlfriends too. Work on not being co-dependent... not having to worry where he's at or what he's doing... not because he's trustworthy, but because you need your mental and emotional health to be the best woman you can be. And being tied up in changing someone else is an obstacle.

People need to be FREE. Free to be who they want to be. It's the only way they'll change. You share your feelings and what you think once... and then let him decide as he wishes because only he can decide what he wants. And you don't want to be the cause of any resentfulness on his part. No matter what you say, he will still go... no one likes to be told what to do or not to do, etc. But sharing your feelings is fine... ONCE. If you keep on talking about it, you resort to nagging... which is annoying and pushes him away.

But you also need boundaries. You should know what you would do if you ever find out he cheats on you, etc. Maintain your self-respect... you have options of 'separating, if not divorcing', working things out through counseling, there are groups, etc. You are a strong woman, who will live her life, better herself, speak what you think once, accept him as he is... BUT cheating is not okay, ever. And you shouldn't have to act as if nothing happened... you also need healing... you either forgive, work through it, separate, divorce... but do something that maintains your self-respect. It's okay to forgive... it's also okay to 'separate' when needed. 

Secure Woman... who loves, laughs, and lives. You can only choose for yourself and change yourself... for the rest, you can only speak up once respectfully, and pray  and let them be who they want to be... but don't be a doormat when hurt... be strong and take your time to heal.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

ddrh said:


> I have been in your shoes and have felt and can agree with your concerns. I don't think you're overreacting, but I think the answer will differ according to people's personalities and their own experiences in life--which are not exactly like yours.
> 
> I would focus on YOU. On you being emotionally secure and happy. I'm not sure about trusting him completely, we're human, we make mistakes. I would trust in God. I would focus on bettering myself... going after a quiet peace in your heart that keeps you grounded... focused on smiling, laughing, looking at the positives, praying, having goals and dreams and Living YOUR life NOW... You go out and laugh with your girlfriends too. Work on not being co-dependent... not having to worry where he's at or what he's doing... not because he's trustworthy, but because you need your mental and emotional health to be the best woman you can be. And being tied up in changing someone else is an obstacle.
> 
> ...


I like this. It's great advice.


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## Nissan (Mar 20, 2011)

So what happens if he wants to go on a weekend golf trip out of town with his buddies? Is that not allowed either? What happens if he has to go on a business trip with 4 co-workers? After over a quarter century of marriage, you should know the guy by now.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Sorry guys, don't you know? No friends, no bars, no night out, no flirting, no place where you can go without your wife... From the very first day you decide to get married, you're handcuffed. Remember the wedding ring you exchange, it's the smallest handcuff in the world! No freedom! No objection!
Accept it!
No wife is negotiatable, including myself.
My husband will NEVER request a guy night out unless they come to sleep in my house.
He won't go to a bar to drink without asking for my permission. Most of times, he brings me.
So be a good handcuffed husband then your wife has no problem to trust you.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

My little advice for you to say to your husband:
Non negotiable. And sorry, hell no, I don't trust you.
I'm sorry but you can invite your friends to sleep at our house.
We can have a good time together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Nissan said:


> So what happens if he wants to go on a weekend golf trip out of town with his buddies? Is that not allowed either? What happens if he has to go on a business trip with 4 co-workers? After over a quarter century of marriage, you should know the guy by now.


Go swimming instead.
Quit the job and find a better work that EVERYDAY stay close with family.
If a man truely loves you, he won't make you feel insecure. Family should be the priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

To ddrh,
Women found true happiness from their true men who give them true love.
Without feeling deeply loved and treasured by our husbands. Life is pointless, lifeless and meaningless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ddrh (Mar 20, 2011)

Hey Friendly,

It sounds as if you've found true love with a true man which gives you true happiness.

I'm curious to know how this was accomplished: was it you just married the right perfect guy for you--who meets your needs perfectly? Did you help make the marriage 'happy'? How long have you been married? Can a 'somewhat unhappy' wife do anything to gain happiness in her marriage other than finding a true man?  Please share the wealth!  Oh, and by the way, do you have kids?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

I will probably be in the minority among guys on this but I don't think that you are over-reacting. It just feels "odd" to me. But do you know what I really have a problem with? What grown man has/attends a sleepover? I mean, this is a sleepover and I just find it weird.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Orion said:


> I will probably be in the minority among guys on this but I don't think that you are over-reacting. It just feels "odd" to me. But do you know what I really have a problem with? What grown man has/attends a sleepover? I mean, this is a sleepover and I just find it weird.


All context. I've had these very get-togethers when long time friends who are now spread all over the country get together.

We converge on someone's house, have some beers, shoot the breeze, reminisce until early dawn, crash for a few hours, say our good-byes and go back to being husbands, dads, captains of industry or slackers. There's no drug binges, no wh0ring, no tattoos, or criminal activity associated with the gathering.


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## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

Sorry, no man can make a woman feel secure and happy. That has to come from within. 

You both deserve and need some time apart. It's healthy. Best thing you can do is solicit a pact from your man that states, for example "no strip clubs."


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

ddrh said:


> Hey Friendly,
> 
> It sounds as if you've found true love with a true man which gives you true happiness.
> 
> I'm curious to know how this was accomplished: was it you just married the right perfect guy for you--who meets your needs perfectly? Did you help make the marriage 'happy'? How long have you been married? Can a 'somewhat unhappy' wife do anything to gain happiness in her marriage other than finding a true man?  Please share the wealth!  Oh, and by the way, do you have kids?


Hi dd,

I do agree with your many spiritual views in life. I do agree wives must be happy.

I would agree with you totally if you meant being happy with a good husband, not without.

Like I said, women find true happiness from their true men.

Without true love from the husband, wives can't be happy. 

However, husbands weren't born to know how to love their wives truely and deeply. It depends on what kind of wives they married.

God gives women mysterous power to control men. There's a joke said, Why God created women? Because God can't control men so He created women to control them.

A very lousy husband can become a great husband. A chicken husband can become a hero, but a perfect husband can also become a total ass, it really depends on how the wife shape her man.

For example: If the wife everyday treats her husband like a loser! He would become a Loser! If the wife treats the husband like a king, she will become his slave....Something like that. It really depends on the women.

Understand you have that mysterous power to make your husband marry you, bascially, there's nothing he can't do for you as long as it's reasonable and as long as that makes you happy.

Use your power correctly. Men love to see their women happy. They're willing to please their beloved women. It's their nature.

I wouldn't say I have a perfect husband. But something stupid like "guys night out", it has never happened in my marriage.

So why it happened in your marriage? Because you let it happen!

My husband also has a group of friends since childhood, they're like brothers.

It never happens in my marriage because he knows the family comes first, and the wife is the most important person in his life. He can lose the whole world, friends, whatever, but he can't afford losing me as well as I can't, either. This is the mutually loving agreement that both of you must have.

So, when he misses his friends, he always brings me with him because he's proud of me. I never make him lose face or poke him in front of his friends. 

We have been more than 8 years together and we would hate to separate from each other for 1 night.

He would NEVER ask for "guys night out", simply, he prefers to stay with family and with me. My husband is the best husband that I can ever marry to.

My husband has business party (formal) once a month, after the party, most husbands would go to bar together to get some drink and enjoy the social life.

My husband joined them in the bar for a while because they invited him (had my permission), but some months later, he prefers coming home earlier to see his wife, me. By himself, he gave up his social life.

You will say, because my husband is a great man when I met him. Not really.

When I met him, his lifestyle was, work, drink, night clubs, chicks. The only place after work to find him is in a bar, a disco, a nightclub. He was drunk often. 

So it really depends on the wife. A playboy can be faithful too. By the wife, not by magic.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Deejo said:


> All context. I've had these very get-togethers when long time friends who are now spread all over the country get together.
> 
> We converge on someone's house, have some beers, shoot the breeze, reminisce until early dawn, crash for a few hours, say our good-byes and go back to being husbands, dads, captains of industry or slackers. There's no drug binges, no wh0ring, no tattoos, or criminal activity associated with the gathering.


I hear you, Deejo. I will concede my point if you call it a "sleepover". Ha!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I dunno. When I think of 'sleepover' I think footy-jammies and pillow fights. 

Sometimes my memory of events can be foggy ... but I don't ever remember either of those things occurring when we get together.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I dunno. When I think of 'sleepover' I think footy-jammies and pillow fights.
> 
> Sometimes my memory of events can be foggy ... but I don't ever remember either of those things occurring when we get together.


Between your sleepovers and Craig's List inquiries...I'm beginning to wonder about you


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