# He deserves better



## striving4better (Jul 14, 2011)

Greetings , 

I was searching the www and found an interesting topic on this forum. Something that has already helped me open my eyes a bit. What attracts me most about this forum is the fact that there seem to be a good mix of men and women. Hard thing to come by sometimes. 

In any case I'll get knee deep into things. This may seem utterly scattered but the summary of it all is. I want to be a better wife for my husband. He's an amazing man and I just wish my 'emotions' would get in the way so much. We've been married for over 2 years and together for 6 years. 

I have been to counseling when I was in university. We touched on my life but barely scrapped the surface. So I realize I may need to resort to more therapy. So please know that is already in my notes. 

Oh gosh where to start? Well I have abandonment and trust issues, that I want to stop interfering with my overall life. I was adopted at a young age and was abused by my (now) father. Emotions such as love was a hard thing for me to feel when I was younger. My husband, bless him has really opened my heart and I just feel like he deserves more. 

I feel like he has to be tired of how I act at times. For example he'll come home from work and I love the sight of seeing his car pull in the driveway. Yet I'm withdrawn. I don't really want a hug and I don't really want to give him a kiss. INside I'm yelling at myself. WTH are you doing? This doesn't happen all the time mind you but I personally feel it shouldn't ever happen. 

I'm depressed in more ways then one about a few things. 
1. I was diagnosed with depression in university. So took medication for it then. I've been off medication for 3 years now. I have thought of going back on but with us TTC it can't be done. 

2. We have been trying for a child for over 2 years now and still nothing. We know it's me that's the problem, we just don't precisely know what exactly is wrong with me. So we'll be on fertility drugs soon. I feel such a heavy burden return every time we find out one of our friends are expecting. It's not for lack of happiness for the couple, it's because of how it just reminds me of the gift I'm unable to give to my husband. 

3. I'm unemployed (like a lot of people now a days) I just got my visa finally to be with my husband full time so I've only been looking for 5 months now? But I still want to get up and out of this house, to feel like something of use. Money isn't necessarily an issue it's just feeling like a contributor of the house. 

4. I'm overweight, my fault I'll admit it. I've tried weightloss systems, exercise. and the main problem is I quit them all to easily after a month of putting in hard work. I'm too lazy now a days. It's an internal struggle of wanting to loose weight coupled with. "no not today.. tomorrow perhaps.". I know that my attitude must be wearing on my husband. At times I can see his frustration and I hate hurting his feelings when I withdraw from sex. (Although we do it almost ever other day (baby making)) 

I feel all in all like a terrible wife. Inside there are a few things that have also caused me to pull away from my husband that I want to get over. 1.Sometimes he works long shifts. (these sometimes happen weeks at a time then die down) 2. How abandoned I felt when I had surgery. I had a cystectomy done and my husband didn't bother to take a few days off of work (He could have) to help me in the following days. I felt very alone and was in so much pain. I felt overall unloved and it's something i think about at least once a month. As I bring it up now I feel the pain emotionally of how it felt to not be cared for at a vulnerable time. I don't like to be vulnerable, I'm a rather tough women. 

All of these things mentioned I have in one way or another spoken with my husband about. We are great communicators. However I just feel like theres so much I have to fix about myself. Biggest one is letting go of the past. Let what happened just go, my past abuse, the surgery bit. I just want to learn to let things go and not hold onto it. I'm afraid if I keep this up it'll be the end of us. Consider this as me being proactive. We argue now but not a lot. I guess you could say I'm just tired of how I am. I realize probably the only help I can get is therapy and really after reading what I just wrote it's something I HAVE to do. 

I guess what I'm looking on here is just general suggestions. Tips from women or men who have gone through what I have but have moved on and got to the point where I personally want to be.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I went through a really rough patch in my life about four years ago. I just moved states with my H, i felt he was completely neglecting me, and I had no job, no friends, and no family around. I had nothing to do but sit around and think about everything that was going wrong. It was horrible. My H and i fought like cats and dogs. I also had a huge list of things that needed to change. 

There's a great book out there called Feeling Good by David Burns. It really helped me manage all the stress from everything going wrong all at once. 

Just hang in there! Keep trying and never give up. It's taken me about four years and im finally at a pretty good place in my life. I have just now gotten on a regular exercise program and gotten a job.


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## striving4better (Jul 14, 2011)

Blanca, 

Thank you so much for your input. It's striking how alike our stories are. I do have friends but they are an hour away and I have no vehicle to see them. So it's often left up to the weekends. So it's certainly nice to see them now and again. 

Thank you so much for the suggestion of the book. May I ask what else may have helped you in the 4 years. Yesterday I made a point to be lovey and it felt good. I mean it always does, it's just a weird pull if you know what I mean. I made a point to give many words of affirmation and spent some quality time together. I hope one day all of this just comes natural and more or less second nature. I know it'll come with time but that book is an amazing start. Again I can't tell you how much I appreciate your understanding and input. 

Kindest regards, 

Amanda


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

It will become natural, but you must repeat the behavior consistantly and it takes about 35 repetitions for you to internalize it and it becomes part of how you operate. So, for a whole month (every day) determine to do something loving for your husband and make sure he knows about it. Perhaps you may even be able to ask him what he needs from you. Good Luck!


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## striving4better (Jul 14, 2011)

Grizabella, 

Thank you for your input. I will certainly be sure to do one thing for him a day. Overall just be mindful of my moods and push them aside to give my husband what he deserves. I will ask him tonight shower him with love and make him feel as special as he makes me feel.

Thank you for the support.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Striving . . . sorry to hear about all that's going on. However, it seems that you have a pretty good grasp on what are the issues (a great first step) figuring out how to resolve them is the tricky part. I'd suggest get back into therapy ASAP. i suffered from major depression a few years back and the therapy helped with so many things (abuse from a brother amongst others). I think that some of your issues might start to fall into place as you talk through them.

As someone else commented, if you were affectionate with your husband . . . then keep it up. As I worked through my depression it occured to me that many of my negative emotions had become habits. And that I had choices in how I feel (doesn't always work, mind you) but having this as a thought at least gives an option.

It sounds like you have a good man who loves you and you love very much. Keep this as your motivation to take on your issues. you can do it. Good luck!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

striving4better said:


> May I ask what else may have helped you in the 4 years. Yesterday I made a point to be lovey and it felt good. I mean it always does, it's just a weird pull if you know what I mean. I made a point to give many words of affirmation and spent some quality time together. I hope one day all of this just comes natural and more or less second nature. I know it'll come with time but that book is an amazing start. Again I can't tell you how much I appreciate your understanding and input.


I could write a book about all the things that have helped me over the years, this site being one of them. So many things have to change for happiness to take over. I'm not even completely there yet. It certainly can be overwhelming but that book helped me keep it in perspective. I'll just highlight a few major things:

1. Learning about Boundaries. Taking back responsibility for my own happiness. I have a book called Boundaries in Marriage by cloud and townsend that has been helpful.

2. Dealing with my Resentment. Again, another book Seat of the Soul. 

3. Finding a passion outside of my marriage. I'm back in school and going to graduate school. I love it and its incredibly rewarding. 

BUT remember, these things take a lot of time. That's why I suggested the Feeling Good book first. I was so depressed that I didn't even get out of bed for days. I didn't shower and i was taking copious amounts of NyQuil. The first baby-step i took was to adopt a dog from the pound that was as messed up as I was. She needed a lot of care and I had to get out of bed at least once a day to take her outside. That's how it started for me. Hang in there! As long as you don't give up things will improve, however slowly.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

Amanda,

Do you feel distant from everything? I mean, if you look at something you love such as the sky, or the moon, or a tree or whatever it is ...do you feel like you cannot even touch it with your emotions? Do you feel isolated in relationships lately?

I am reading your post and it is seems more than just situational depression, especially with a history of depression. But that is just my opinion. I acknowledge the fact that everyone is different in their experiences and story. When I was depressed I found so much fault within myself at constant. The hardest thing was loving my children and yet feeling so far away emotionally from them. That killed me more than anything. I did not know I had clinical depression at the time. 

I am also concerned, probably from my own background, if your husband is very supportive for you to get the help you might need such as counseling or antidepressants. You stated you wont be able to do antidepressant meds because of ttc. I do worry about that for you if you do need them. It will be much harder for you if you become pregnant while having clinical depression. It disturbs me he did not support you after your hospital stay (which I know you are trying to forget and forgive) but you will need him to be there, especially if you have kids together. 

I do not claim to know what is going on with you or even to understand everything you are going through. But I do know what depression felt like, what isolation felt like, what needing to try to 'fix' myself felt like. I wish the best for you both and maybe you can a throw a little more self love your way. Be gentler with yourself. I would consider testing for clinical depression. If you do have it, you won't mentally have the tools to cope without more support and help.


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