# Silent treatment



## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

My wife is doing what she does best when she wants to teach me a lesson, she shuts up completely. It's a control tactic I know, but I'm getting seriously annoyed. 


We have been separated for almost a month, and she continues to push me to sign a settlement agreement. And DEMANDS I tell her why I won't, but I know if I answer with "I still love you and wanna try to work things out", I'll get a hailstorm of hatred and anger that I'm simply tired of listening to. Like I should feel guilty for loving her.

I not sure why she wants me to sign it so bad, we still have to wait 6 months for a divorce anyway, so what's the rush? I have a hunch that she needs me to move on, so she can move on. I'm 99% sure it's not somebody else, but anything is possible. I don't want to get a divorce, but I also don't want to be in a controlling relationship that has no hopes of getting better.

So we were getting along, I was starting to get in a better place emotionally, then I told her I was gonna be working out of state and trying to fix the other problems in my life and work on some of my anger issues. Then she's says "that's great, enjoy your new life in that other state, glad it's all working out for you, Now about this settlement agreement?"


Anyway, I told her I wasn't ready to sign anything, and have no intention of signing ANYTHING without a lawyer anyway, but all that did was piss her off. So now we are back to the silent treatment again.


We have talked at all since Sunday. I sent her a text this morning regarding where I was, and nothing. I also asked her to send me any medical bills that she receives, so I could reimburse her for her FSA, while I'm seeking help with my issues. Again nothing.

So I finally have had it, I've been nice and agreeable with trying to let her worry about herself, and have a chance to miss me. I sent her this text right before I started typing this:



*"Is the silent treatment really necessary? Are we still playing these games? I didn't sign your settlement agreement, so I don't exist now, huh. OK then. This controlling BS needs to stop, on both sides, it's getting old and it's not solving anything. You have something to say to me, then say it, stop this passive aggressive crap".*


Was I wrong?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

The silent treatment is a form of emotional/mental abuse. Its a passive aggressive behavior which was more than likely a learned behavior. Its childish and can be very damaging to a relationship. 

Look up ways to deal with passive aggressive behavior and silent treatment, hopefully that will help give you some better ways at dealing with that kind of behavior.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

So you get the silent treatment, and she demands answers... sounds familiar.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

wanttobehappy56 said:


> My wife is doing what she does best when she wants to teach me a lesson, she shuts up completely. It's a control tactic I know, but I'm getting seriously annoyed.
> 
> 
> We have been separated for almost a month, and she continues to push me to sign a settlement agreement. And DEMANDS I tell her why I won't, but I know if I answer with "I still love you and wanna try to work things out", I'll get a hailstorm of hatred and anger that I'm simply tired of listening to. Like I should feel guilty for loving her.
> ...


I have to say, I cringed just reading your post. I'm all too familiar with the silent treatment because I just ended a relationship with a man who regularly used the silent treatment as a control tactic...you can read my earlier posts. It was absolutely freaking maddening! At the suggestion of other posters on this board, I did a lot of reading about passive aggressive behavior and the silent treatment. It helped me to understand that this type of behavior is indeed emotional abuse and is used to diminish and devalue the other person, and essentially communicate to the recipient that he/she is nothing. They call this "crazy making" behavior because it incites you, the recipient, into an uncontrolled emotional reaction. Like any normal person, this type of treatment makes you react in anger and then the passive aggressive person can appear to be calm in comparison and is able to sit back in judgment of YOUR "anger issues." I used to hear this all the time from my ex. However, if you do some reading, you'll learn that passive aggressive behavior is not really passive...it actually masks deep seated anger and control issues. Don't know if your wife makes a habit of the silent treatment, but she sounds terribly passive aggressive. Not a good trait in a woman you appear to want to work things out with. She'd need lots of counseling to fix that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I get the endless muttering and grumbling. The passive aggressive of all passive aggressive.


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## nevergivingup (Jun 23, 2010)

Sometimes the "silent treatment" isn't to punish the other person... Sometimes you've just said all that you can say..


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

nevergivingup said:


> Sometimes the "silent treatment" isn't to punish the other person... Sometimes you've just said all that you can say..


Not to make fun - but sometimes I pray for the silent treatment from my H. His constant verbal barrage can be very tiring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

For some reason, I cannot keep my emotions in check when I talk to her, I try to make her feel guilty, and then she does the same thing to me. Our last conversation was last Friday. I said some very hateful things, that I regret. 

Now I have erased her #'s from my phone so I'm not tempted to communicate about anything not necessary. I found myself sending her texts just to get a reply, which is wussy behavior and no matter what, that needs to stop.

She has said things like "I thought I was in love" "I knew from day 1 you weren't the love of my life", " I feel out of love too fast, so I must not have been in love". "I loved the way you loved me". Now, I'm 100% certain that one of those statements was just meant to hurt me, and I don't believe it. Although when she said it, I started crying, and she said "you keep putting me in these positions to hurt you, stop it".

She's gas lighting me, whenever I'm emotional, she has control and I have to stop letting her do that. She started having these feelings about not being in love with me after I told her I wasn't ready to have a baby with her yet, she says that she "had only been thinking about having a baby for the last year and a half", which is possible, but I doubt seriously that's the entire reason she married me. To be fair, I did want to have a baby with her, but our lives were so stressful at this point I couldn't handle the idea of another child. 

She says "it's over, we will NEVER be together", that she "took a vow she wasn't ready to take" and because "I acted so irrationally when she broke up with me, that there's no chance of us reconciling". And again, she then says "I just married you because I knew you would never hurt me, and in the process I destroyed your heart". "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" Meanwhile, she was the most insecure woman I had ever met, she constantly self depricated, and called me a liar when I said she was beautiful. When we met, I wasn't this whiny, angry pushover that I am now, but I lost so much of my confidence in the last 9 months of our relationship I didn't know what to do anymore so I let her make all of my decisions.

I need to reclaim my manhood, but am I too late to save this marriage? I'm going to get a new place as soon as I can, right now I am staying with my parents while I get back on my feet. But she has so much of my stuff in her house, I have to get it at some point, I just don't feel strong enough to talk to her right now.


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## I'm_Trying (Apr 1, 2011)

nevergivingup said:


> Sometimes the "silent treatment" isn't to punish the other person... Sometimes you've just said all that you can say..


I have to agree. My wife will say what she needs to say. Then let me say my part and to her it's over. We both got our sides in, what's the point of continuing the conversation? I used to hate it and I too felt like the silent treatment was insane maddening and so controling. BUT, since rolling with that punch, things are done much quicker and we are on to something better. 

However, the type of silent treatment coming from your wife is much different...
UNLESS, you continue to pester her. 
Not sure of the scenario or timelines...


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

One thing that used to piss her off more than anything is when she was upset about something I did, I would tell her "I understand, I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again, but can you just drop it now". Oh my god, she would throw a fit when I'd tell her to "drop it", she would tell me how much that pissed her off and yell and then give me the silent treatment again.


I'd tell her to drop it because I was sick of listening to her complain about the same thing over and over again, maybe I should start devaluing her opinion and stop telling her how bad I feel, because honestly she doesn't have the right to know at this point. 

When I tell her how bad she hurt me, and it seems like she doesn't care, she threatened to "go home and kill herself to prove how sorry she is for hurting me". This is middle school bullcrap, I have a million other things to worry about besides what she thinks of me.

I did pester her several times over the last month, that I know needs to stop because it's only making me feel worse, and validating her feelings that I'm not the right man for her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

trey69 said:


> The silent treatment is a form of emotional/mental abuse. Its a passive aggressive behavior which was more than likely a learned behavior. Its childish and can be very damaging to a relationship.


100% spot on. This is a very near and dear subject to me as I was married to someone who did this to me as a pattern over and over again, even at the slightest disagreement, sometimes even when everything was ok! He could go DAYS or WEEKS w/o saying a single word to me. One time, on his birthday, I had wished him a happy birthday and told him there was a present on his nightstand, he walked right past me and didn't speak to me for a WEEK. He would turn it off too like nothing ever happened and brush it over like nothing was wrong.

He cheated on me and ya know what I told him "Cheating on me wasn't even the worst thing you ever did to me. Your BLATANTLY IGNORING ME hurt me worst than any cheating you ever did to me." I am serious.

Ignoring someone/stonewalling them is by far the most invalidating thing someon can do to you.

I know you love her so much but think about it--do you WANT to be with someone who thinks so little of you that she denies a basic human right of words/contact habitually? It only gets worse over time.

John Gottman, a relationship expert says there are 4 things that kill a marriage fast and guess what one of them is: STONEWALLING. It is emotionally abusive. It is SICK. 

I know you want to save your marriage but please understand it takes TWO people to do that. If she has checked out, there is nothing you can do. My advice is to get a lawyer fast and respond. 

My hub also did that--filed separation agreement and refused to discuss the status of our marriage until after I signed... well guess what .. . I didn't. Then he fileid for divorce and strung me alon for awhile until he had finally detached enough... then he sent me something saying I needed to appear in court at which time I got a lawyer. Hindsight's 20/20 but I shoulda gotten a lawyer from the get-go. You should do the same.

Right now you can't see it cause you've got blinders on but this woman...doe she really love you if she completely ignores you and refuses to speak to you unless you do what SHE wants? That is very immature and childish and manipulative.

I have been there and it is NOT fun. It makes you feel like a ghost in your own relationship.

Check out these links:

The Silent Treatment – What You Are Saying By Not Saying Anything At All

The Art of Intimacy: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - John Gottman Research

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse


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## I'm_Trying (Apr 1, 2011)

If you are like I was, here is what was happening recently.
She ignored you, you got upset. You tried to contact her to resume some sort of communication with good intent to bury the hatchet. She continued to ignore. You apologize. Ignore. You get angry but instead of apologizing or flying off the handle, you say as very matter of factly, this needs to stop. It's ridiculous and immature and we both own this. Deep down, you are telling yourself that this is all on her, but you take the more passive approach in hopes that she comes around. Still silent. Now you're angry and at this point you don't care what you say or how it comes across. The goal now is to piss her off more than she has you...
Am I right?

The difference between you and myself is the silence I received ended once I dropped the conversation. Our argument was as deep as this. Ours was just every day stuff.

She has ZERO respect for you now. It could take a very long time to get it back. BUT, why did you lose that respect? You may not have done anything wrong to prompt it except say you weren't ready for a baby. That triggered her to act like this and it has all snow balled since then.

If you guys want to work this out, you both need to be willing to take your lashings and learn from what has happened. She may have initially gotten upset over the baby talk, but I can guarantee at one point or another, you got upset and started to say some things and digress as a partner. I never cared for couples therapy, but after reading the success that people have gotten from it, I'd say that you guys need to have a talk about it. But in a nuetral spot that won't seem too familiar to a place where you fight. Maybe the mall or a park. Put it out there. But you both need to own your parts. IT won't work if only one of you does...

If she can't do it, get your lawyer and stretch out your writing wrist...


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

At this point, I don't even have time to think about hiring an attorney, she has a lot more to lose from a divorce than I do. She has a lot more money, the house,etc. So honestly, I would be leaving in a better position than I came in with, except I'd lose health insurance, and I have to relocate which will cost me money. She claims she could sue me for spousal abandonment because I left the state, but I disclosed my whereabouts and I sent her money for storing my belongings and my portion of the insurance premiums. So I'm in no real danger there, if she wants to go that route, it's gonna cost her money and time and she probably knows it'll backfire, but she still makes threats banking on the idea that I don't know my rights.

One tactic she's using is banking on the fact that I'm still weakened so she can get me to do whatever she wants. I recognize this but I forget it whenever we speak to each other. She acts like she truly cares about me by telling me how good of a guy I am, and that she shouldn't have let herself take it to marriage before realizing this wasn't she wanted and she is sorry she hurt me so bad.

Whenever I keep my cool when I talk to her, she gets pissed because she's lost control of the situation. I just need to stay focused on the tasks at hand, get my finances back on track, get back to work, and finding a new place to live when I get back to my home state. I'll deal with the separation agreement on my terms, not hers. If I still get emotional when I think about signing it, I shouldn't sign it, because biggest errors in judgment come from an weak emotional state.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

I'm_Trying said:


> If you are like I was, here is what was happening recently.
> She ignored you, you got upset. You tried to contact her to resume some sort of communication with good intent to bury the hatchet. She continued to ignore. You apologize. Ignore. You get angry but instead of apologizing or flying off the handle, you say as very matter of factly, this needs to stop. It's ridiculous and immature and we both own this. Deep down, you are telling yourself that this is all on her, but you take the more passive approach in hopes that she comes around. Still silent. Now you're angry and at this point you don't care what you say or how it comes across. The goal now is to piss her off more than she has you...
> Am I right?
> .



Almost, she responded to it by saying "I don't know what you're talking about, I just got all these texts from you". Then she says "there's no reason for you to start cursing", to which I responded "Seriously??? You are gonna try and make me feel guilty about using 1 curse word?? I have said some things I regret, but that is reaching and you know it, come on."

This pissed her off, "either call me, or leave me alone, I'm done texting". Then we talked, threw a bunch of guilt at each other and by the end of the conversation, I found myself in an emotional wreck yet again, started agreeing with her assessments, then telling her that she "deserves to be loved the way I love her, and I don't want to be a source of pain and that she should stop feeling guilty about hurting me".

Again, I lost respect for myself, and kept worrying about what she wants, instead of doing what I WANT.


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## Natali_Tokii (Apr 6, 2011)

Have you ever just tried to sit down with your wife and talk face to face, not raise voices and just put it all out on the table? 

You have already established that she uses the silent treatment as a control tactics and this makes you shut down and get angry.

What are the underlying issues here? She wants a baby?? Did you explain clearly why you don't want a baby NOW but do want one in the future?

If that is where your problem stemmed from then simply get down to the subject matter and lay it all out on the table.

Most conflict happen because we all have an underlying narrative we are not saying out-loud. 

i.e she says she wants a baby...you say no...her underlying narrative says: i cant be with this man if he doesn't want to have a baby
your underlying narrative says: why now? we are so busy lets hold off for a while.

Go to her house...make a request to just sit down and clear the air without raising voices. If her defense mechanism comes up--recognize it and don't re-act! guide her, explain yourself. Get down the reason why you started fighting in the first place.

Hope that helps


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## I'm_Trying (Apr 1, 2011)

Here's going to be one of the biggest hurdles of reconciling. You both have stabbed at each other and said some really hurtful things. If you can solve the underlying issue like Natali said, then you need to really forget what hurtful things were said if you want this to work. If you both said extremely hurtful things to each other but ment it, then the baby talk isn't the only thing that triggered this. It was just the final straw. There's bound to be more. And you have laready lost respect for yourself. Why? Because of what she has said to you? Only YOU can lose respect for yourself. You're the only one that can make that happen. Don't let someone else make you do it. 
Forgive yourself for the things that you have said to her. Just like you need to forgive her for what she said to you if you want to make it work.

Respect yourself and as hard as it'll be, you need to respect her as she needs to respect you. You have to be willing to scrape it all off and pretend it never happened. If you 2 can forgive each other, it'll be like it never did.

Good Luck!

My philosphy is that everyone says exactly what they mean when they blurt something out in anger. That's because they didn't have time to think about what they said, they had already felt it before voicing it. 
Just a thought, and I only say this because neither of you need to do this to each other any more, you may not be right for together.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

She has said "she doesn't care anymore, that's it's too late, the damage we have done to each other is beyond repair".

I have tried to talk, and get it all out on the table, but she wont listen, she keeps saying "we shouldn't have gotten married, I was wrong to get married for the wrong reason". 

I think at this point, she is trying to find any excuse to avoid being honest with herself, and look at herself in the mirror.

a quote from her "I woke up one day and felt like someone else had been making all of my decisions for the past year and a half, and I should have asked myself before the wedding, is this what I really want?" "She said she was trying to fit a square peg in a round hole throughout our relationship"

But I never really felt like didn't love me, she was generous and thoughtful, and really did try to please me, a lot. I told her that, "To say our entire relationship, all the things we went through together, the good times and bad, to say it was all a lie is unbareable to me. So I don't want to believe that you knew from Day 1, that I wasn't the love of your life, because I want to believe you are a better person than that".

For the record, I will be her 3rd divorce, and she turns 30 in a month. So this is a behavioral pattern for sure, she's got kind of a spoiled brat mentality, she didn't get what she wants when she wanted it, so she thinks it's easier to start over and find someone else who has some mythical powers to satisfy her every desire. Her high expectations will be her downfall.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

wanttobehappy56 said:


> I'll deal with the separation agreement on my terms, not hers.


That's fine but you should get a lawyer cause it sounds like she doe NOT want to be married. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. Everything she is saying and doing points to the fact she wants out.

NEVER chase a dog that is running away from you. 
If someone wants out, you open the door and let them go. 
Trying to hold ont something that is fighting with all their might to get away from you is useless and unhealthy.



wanttobehappy56 said:


> *She has said "she doesn't care anymore, that's it's too late, the damage we have done to each other is beyond repair".*
> 
> I have tried to talk, and get it all out on the table, but she wont listen, *she keeps saying "we shouldn't have gotten married, I was wrong to get married for the wrong reason". *
> 
> ...


She has a right to her feelings. She is not a healthy or safe person. You said "she won't listen"--fine--that is her choice. You can't make her anything. She manipulates you into getting what she wants, uses silence to get you to fol dand do waht she wants and she knows it pisses you off AND she is telling you ove rand over she wants out... so Let...her...go.

Nothing good will come out of this is you are trying to make her stay against her will. In time you will look back and be glad for this since you will have gotten out of a relationship with someone who won't meet you halfway or knows what a committment to marriage is. 

3rd divorce and only 29? Oh boy.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It IS a form of control and abuse. It IS passive-aggressive. They do it because they KNOW it bothers you - my solution was - don't let it.

My husband used to go silent for a week or more. 

Not anymore.

I quit letting it bother me, I continued to speak to him as I normally did and if he didn't answer, then so be it.

Once it no longer got a REACTION from ME, lo and behold, he started doing it less and less.

Now, if I do get the silent treatment, it may last a day at the most and sometimes not even that, because he KNOWS that it doesn't work with me anymore. The only person he is hurting is himself now.

If she doesn't want to talk to you - then let her be. Once she knows it doesn't bother you, then she will come to you versus you going to her.

Statement was fine - but with this statement, you told her, essentially, that the silent treatment still bothers you and as long as she knows that - she will continue the treatment.

Take the legs out from under her and don't contact her unless you have to - when she needs something, she'll be in touch - trust me.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> That's fine but you should get a lawyer cause it sounds like she doe NOT want to be married. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. Everything she is saying and doing points to the fact she wants out.
> 
> NEVER chase a dog that is running away from you.
> If someone wants out, you open the door and let them go.
> ...


:iagree:

3rd divorce and only 29 - she has some issues, that's for sure.

I agree that if she wants to go, then let her go.

My daughter is in the middle of a divorce and she thinks the longer it takes to sign the paperwork, the more she can delay it and get him to change his mind.

She doesn't realize that this won't stop anything - he wants out - and she just doesn't get it - she's only causing more pain for herself. He'll get out, one way or the other.

Do you really want to hold onto something that doesn't want you?

Let her go.

But do it on your terms as far as signing any paperwork. It's your choice to sign and agree/disagree with any agreement or divorce paperwork.

Don't let her bully you into signing something you don't agree with.

She wouldn't do it and you shouldn't either.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> That's fine but you should get a lawyer cause it sounds like she doe NOT want to be married. You cannot force someone to stay married to you. Everything she is saying and doing points to the fact she wants out.
> 
> NEVER chase a dog that is running away from you.
> If someone wants out, you open the door and let them go.
> ...


All very good points, by the way, she also has an 8 year old daughter that I was trying to be a stepfather to. I feel horrible for the kid, and I love her very much, but my wife has made it clear that it's better for the kid to move on with her life and never see me again.

It is her kid, and I have to respect her wishes, but that hurts more than anything. I promised the kid I'd never leave her, but my wife says she's not my responsibility and never was.

That breaks my heart as much as anything, because this kid has already lost one father figure due to her last marriage, her biological father is a drug addict, jail bird POS, who still gets his parental rights ( another underlying issue, too long to discuss now). I didn't always get along with her, but we did love each other, and I'm so worried about what this is doing to her. Again, not my right to make those decisions, but still hurts none the less.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm_Trying said:


> My philosphy is that everyone says exactly what they mean when they blurt something out in anger. That's because they didn't have time to think about what they said, they had already felt it before voicing it.


I can't disagree with this strongly enough. People in anger will blurt out the most vile evil hurtful thing they can concoct in their fevered brains whether they truly mean it or not. I know when I do I don't care whether it's true or not as long as I can see their face as I rip their beating heart of their chest and eat it. 

If words could kill I'd be Ted Bundy. I know that.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I can't disagree with this strongly enough. People in anger will blurt out the most vile evil hurtful thing they can concoct in their fevered brains whether they truly mean it or not. I know when I do I don't care whether it's true or not as long as I can see their face as I rip their beating heart of their chest and eat it.
> 
> If words could kill I'd be Ted Bundy. I know that.


My thoughts as well.

I have tried to hit every nerve she has, and I get the result I expect, hurt and anger and blind rage. We know how to push each other's buttons, I always feel guilty afterword, and I have made a habit of apologizing without her asking.


My last 3 texts/email to her went like this, she didn't respond, but I know the first 2 hurt like hell:
*

In response to her telling me to quit taking it personal that she used her email address containing her 1st husband's last name:*
_Email: "Whatever, I don't know why I care, I'm being punished because of your ex-husband anyways, so I guess I should just take it. Hey, I think he's getting out of jail soon, I'm sure he's gonna love all this sh**, you 2 deserve each other"
_
*No response*

_Text: I guess (insert ex's name) wins again, I'm so glad I get to be another one of his walking punchlines for the rest of my life, thank you for that. Hey with my luck, I'll be on my way to get this settlement agreement notorized and I'll die in a car accident, then he'll get to spend my life insurance policy and residual checks too, that would fit my life perfectly"_

*No Response*
_After sleeping 10 hours, I woke up feeling bad and sent this: I hate being mean to you, I hate it. I hate that you are hurting, and knowing I can't do anything to help you. Whatever flaws you think you have, I still accepted them and loved you. No matter what you say or do to me, I'll always love you, and I won't apologize for that._

*No response* That last one was sent saturday morning at 8 AM. No communication since, and I deleted all the texts and her phone numbers so I wouldn't be tempted to contact her.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I can't disagree with this strongly enough. People in anger will blurt out the most vile evil hurtful thing they can concoct in their fevered brains whether they truly mean it or not. I know when I do I don't care whether it's true or not as long as I can see their face as I rip their beating heart of their chest and eat it.
> 
> If words could kill I'd be Ted Bundy. I know that.


Absolutely true Dog.

And, alcohol only makes it worse.

The idea that what you say in anger is what you "really" think is corrosive. There is a part of you that thinks that way, but personality is a sum of those parts - not a "real" part and the rest fake.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why are you sending her these messages? You are coming across as very desperate and sad. Stop selling yourself short. Find your dignity. Don't cling to someone who wants out. Ever.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why are you sending her these messages? You are coming across as very desperate and sad. Stop selling yourself short. Find your dignity. Don't cling to someone who wants out. Ever.


You are right, I need to be selfish now, I can have a great life without this person, and should just get on with it. 

I lost my dignity with this person, I'm going to gain it back by myself. I was fine when we met, I'll be fine when she's gone.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Never - ever put anything in writing you don't want to come back and haunt you.

If things get ugly (and they can very easily), she can use any texts as threats or harrassment or to prove her point that you're unstable, etc.

Quit sending texts - period. They are a record of what you say that can be admissible in court (even divorce court).

If you need to speak, call, if not - then do nothing.

These types of texts are going to set you up for failure in a divorce.

STOP NOW.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Never - ever put anything in writing you don't want to come back and haunt you.
> 
> If things get ugly (and they can very easily), she can use any texts as threats or harrassment or to prove her point that you're unstable, etc.
> 
> ...


I'm going to stop now. In your opinion, am I screwed already? I should have just let her go, but I kept making excuses for her behavior, and kept texting her because I wanted her to feel as bad as I did, stupid I know, I have deleted all the texts from my phone so I wouldn't have her phone # anymore, I'm pretty sure I didn't make any threats other than refusing to sign anything, telling her she HAS to face the consequences for HER DECISIONS, but other than that, no threats of violence.


Now the night we broke up, I had an emotional meltdown and threatened suicide, but only out of desperation for her to hurt, I would never kill myself. I took a ride in a squad car to the hospital because I had been drinking, and my mother called the police because was concerned. I went voluntarily, not arrested, and was discharged hours later after I sobered up. Temporary insanity, depression, alcoholism, etc.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Just don't text her anymor eand you will be fine.

Try to be as unemotional as possible if you have an interaction with her (if she ever gets in touch with you).


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Just don't text her anymor eand you will be fine.
> 
> Try to be as unemotional as possible if you have an interaction with her (if she ever gets in touch with you).




I do need to make arrangements to get some more of my work clothes and my passports soon. I have a company meeting outside the US and their travel agent needs traveler information as soon as possible. How should I go about this?


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## Alphan (Mar 23, 2011)

Indeed silent treatment is a major killer of opportunities in many relationships. Many people use this habit as a defense mechanism. They take advantage of the situation to silently push their agenda to the core. It's a kind of a manipulative gimmick for one to have his or her own way through the back door.

The best thing to do is to sit down together and address this as an issue instead of trying the same thing to make her feel the hurt. Two wrongs don't make a right. If people go silent at each other all business comes to standstill thus many opportunities going to dogs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: the passport... tell her you need to get your passport (if it's in her possession). All business. Don't talk about anything else. She is already gone.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I hate silent treatment. I saw a lot of it going on between my parents. A single bout lasted a month sometimes **ugh**

Early on my husband pulled a few of those on me. And let me tell you - I didn't care. There are lots of every day non-relationship related issues and decisions to make together. Do the silent treatment all you want, no problem. So long as business gets taken care of. 

So I walked around the apartment completely unconcerned ("See that I don't care" **scoff**). I talked to him only when there was a non-relationship decision to be made. He had no choice but to open his mouth. Sometimes I got creative and invented things just to get him to have to talk LOL Pretty quickly the silent strike was over. He had to talk over certain things, so what was the point of continuing the treatment? I wasn't acting disturbed by it, so what was the point of continuing the treatment?

Ha.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Re: the passport... tell her you need to get your passport (if it's in her possession). All business. Don't talk about anything else. She is already gone.


Yeah, I sent her an email (erased her #'s remember). I'll pm you the details.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

reachingshore said:


> I hate silent treatment. I saw a lot of it going on between my parents. A single bout lasted a month sometimes **ugh**


This was my marriage. The last time he did it, it lasted almost two months. He cheated on me too and I told him the silent treatments were way worse than him f-cking someone else. 

And I meant it.

He was a master sulker. I always wonder if he'll change with the next person. Who knows.

It is SOOO immature/emotionally abusive when people do it even after you've told them how it makes you feel. It is a form of control. A stupid one.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Here's another thing: if we consider silent treatment as a form of control, then the best way to unsettle them is to start taking control away from them. 

Make it plain that if they don't participate in decision making processes, you're going to make that decision by yourself for both of you. At the same time talk to them, give them the narrative of what the issue is, what you think should be done, blah blah blah. If they strive not to open their mouths at all, they won't be able to do it too long.

The idea they can control anything with silent treatment goes right out of the window.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I resolved it by leaving. 

Then he didn't have to worry about not talking to me anymore. 

I'd told him 100 times before how it made me feel invalidated, like a ghost in my house.

One day on his birthday I wished him a happy bday and he walked right past me, didn't speak to me for an entire week. For no reason. Sht like that. It was MADDENING. I would literally cry myself to sleep at night and take sedatives to sleep. I could count down when the next episode would happen. Like math. It was a pattern.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

reachingshore said:


> Here's another thing: if we consider silent treatment as a form of control, then the best way to unsettle them is to start taking control away from them.
> 
> Make it plain that if they don't participate in decision making processes, you're going to make that decision by yourself for both of you. At the same time talk to them, give them the narrative of what the issue is, what you think should be done, blah blah blah. If they strive not to open their mouths at all, they won't be able to do it too long.
> 
> The idea they can control anything with silent treatment goes right out of the window.


That sounds like an easy solution, but it doesn't always work that well. My ex husband was totally passive aggressive and used the silent treatment AND avoidance regularly. For 18 years we would have conversations about major life decisions (e.g., buying a house, setting up college saving funds for the kids, etc.). I would initiate the conversation and ask for help in making a joint decision. He would respond with a shrug and then go silent. I'd nag, trying to get him to be an equal partner, he'd clam up even more. Eventually, I'd just go ahead and make the decision on my own anyway and drag him along. Then, inevitably, he'd criticize my decision and tell me how controlling I was. See, that way he ultimately ended up with the power. As Jelly described it, it was MADDENING!!!!!! 

These types of people are extremely manipulative and they are skilled at using passive tactics to maintain power in relationships. If you've never been in a relationship with a passive aggressive person, you can't possibly understand the crazy way they make you feel.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I resolved it by leaving.
> 
> Then he didn't have to worry about not talking to me anymore.
> 
> ...


That sounds so horrible, and SO familiar. The worst part is that YOU end up looking like the crazy, unstable partner because their behavior rattles you so badly you do things like cry endlessly and take sedatives to sleep, right. And, of course, he wanted you to feel invalidated and like a ghost...that was the whole point. So telling him that just rewarded his behavior. It's so insidious and underhanded and psychologically destructive. This is why some people say that they'd rather be physically abused by their partners than be at the receiving end of emotional abuse like the silent treatment.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> That sounds like an easy solution, but it doesn't always work that well. My ex husband was totally passive aggressive and used the silent treatment AND avoidance regularly.
> 
> If you've never been in a relationship with a passive aggressive person, you can't possibly understand the crazy way they make you feel.


Ding ding ding.

Until you have been in a relationship with one of thse people, you will never know what it's like. A healthy person will work with you to resolve problems. These folks, quite frankly, don't give a sh-t. It's their way or you will be punished for not agreeing. Nothing more or less. 

Myopia, I thought you were a guy until I read "ex husband." LOL So glad you got out -- 18 yrs is a long time. I was 7.5 yrs and recently divorced.


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## wanttobehappy56 (Mar 31, 2011)

Truth be known, I started avoiding major life conversations, because I felt like there were certain things I had no right to offer an opinion on.

One of the last issues her and I fought about was a joint checking account. I didn't want one because I knew it would cause problems, she hated the fact that I continued to smoke after she quit smoking. I knew if she kept seeing purchases from 7-11 it would lead to constant nagging.

At some point in our relationship, I stopped trusting myself to make my own decisions. Shortly after we got engaged, she took control. She asked for my input on the wedding and reception, I really tried to be interested, but I simply wanted her to slow down.

She spent a ton of money on this wedding, even though I told her not to, she said she felt guilty that I wouldn't have a big wedding because her parents wouldn't pay for another one, that she wasted her family's money on the wrong person (her ex- husband). As much as I tried to tell her I didn't care about all that stuff, she didn't listen. Now she wants out of the marriage, and all of that money spent on that beautiful day is gone. 

I hate it for her, but her self destruction is her own responsibility, not mine.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> That sounds so horrible, and SO familiar. *The worst part is that YOU end up looking like the crazy, unstable partner because their behavior rattles you so badly you do things like cry endlessly and take sedatives to sleep, right*. And, of course, he wanted you to feel invalidated and like a ghost...that was the whole point. So telling him that just rewarded his behavior. It's so insidious and underhanded and psychologically destructive. This is why some people say that they'd rather be physically abused by their partners than be at the receiving end of emotional abuse like the silent treatment.


Exactly!!!!!!!!!!! People who have never been in it have NO clue what it's like. It's SIIIIICK. 

I will put it to you this way--I used to have daily migraines and would take sedatives almost nightly to deal with this damn abuse. We haven't lived together for 1.5 yr now, divorced this Monday actually, and i have not taken ONE single sleeping pill since then. No lie. 

Some days he'd come home from work and I'd ask how his day was and he would just walk right past me and act like I wasn't even standing there. Sooo many little things like that. He'd ignore me in public, he'd ignore me in private, he'd just stop talking to me for DAYS on end for as something simple as me washing his clothes "too late" at night. Then one day he'd come up to me and give me a kiss and say, "How are you Jelly? Is everything ok?" WTF! Total mindf-ck mental manipulation. I am not kidding when I say that his silent treatments to me were WAY worse than him f-cking someone else when he cheated on me and also when he was prowling the internets for sex.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> A healthy person will work with you to resolve problems. These folks, quite frankly, don't give a sh-t. It's their way or you will be punished for not agreeing. Nothing more or less.


So very true!


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> That sounds like an easy solution, but it doesn't always work that well. My ex husband was totally passive aggressive and used the silent treatment AND avoidance regularly. For 18 years we would have conversations about major life decisions (e.g., buying a house, setting up college saving funds for the kids, etc.). I would initiate the conversation and ask for help in making a joint decision. He would respond with a shrug and then go silent. I'd nag, trying to get him to be an equal partner, he'd clam up even more. Eventually, I'd just go ahead and make the decision on my own anyway and drag him along. Then, inevitably, he'd criticize my decision and tell me how controlling I was. See, that way he ultimately ended up with the power. As Jelly described it, it was MADDENING!!!!!!
> 
> These types of people are extremely manipulative and they are skilled at using passive tactics to maintain power in relationships. If you've never been in a relationship with a passive aggressive person, you can't possibly understand the crazy way they make you feel.


Truth be told I never dealt with that kind of a person. My parents are my parents, I could lecture either of them all I wanted, they wouldn't listen or even try it. They are always just too angry at each other in a lifelong resentful way.

Thing is I am not suggesting you nag or ask for help or participation. The very first time I faced the silent treatment from my husband and I needed to "discuss" something non-relationship related I told him that if he doesn't participate, I'll make the decision myself. If the outcome is bad, I am not to be blamed. It's going to be on him.

Then when something came up (or when I came up with something LOL) I just went to my husband, stood in front of him and said in a strict business-like voice: "OK snap out of it for a moment. This is business time". Then I would just kind of talk in front of him about the issue as if I was just thinking aloud and he was just the audience I was bouncing ideas off of. If I saw even the smallest reaction on his face, I'd stop and ask "So what do you think?". If there was no immediate response, I'd immediately start again thinking aloud unconcernedly "Or maybe this would be better.. blah blah".

Once he was really stubborn. No way would he give me any sort of a reaction. I went away without any acknowledgment of that, thought it through and came up with an idea. If I came up with a legitimate solution to this non-relationship related issue that I knew he would think was wrong.. and have him convinced with my attitude that that's what I was going to do.. he wouldn't be able to take it. He would speak out.

I don't remember what I actually thought of, but it was tricky. My performance had to be very believable, the solution had do be legitimate and not something stupid. The objective was to force him to act on the problem, and not have him take my "solution" to a personal level, where he'd go off screaming "You are an idiot!"

Yes, I successfully manipulated the self-professed manipulator. He is very successful at making people do what he wants them to do by simply talking to them. His silent treatment of me was a way of trying to make me cave in or punish me for something relationship-related.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

reachingshore said:


> Truth be told I never dealt with that kind of a person.


Count your blessings. Until you have experienced it, you can't fathom it.


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## Sulin (Apr 7, 2011)

nevergivingup said:


> Sometimes the "silent treatment" isn't to punish the other person... Sometimes you've just said all that you can say..


I have to agree with this.. Sometimes when my husband and I try to resolve some things, it turns out into a fight.. Which is ok.. But then he starts cursing at me and being way too disrespectful.. Now, whatever the fight is about, I don't think that is ok, cause I always respect him, even in a fight.. I told him that numerous times, and after repeting and repeting and repeting it, he still continues.. So I started with silent treatmants.. In my head, it was: 'If you can't talk or even fight with me, and still remember that I am your wife, and a person who did nothing to deserve your disrespect, then I won't talk to you at all'.. Untill he calms down, of course.. But that can actually last couple of days.. I know that is not the best thing I could do, but at this point I don't know any other way..
Which I don't think its really ok in your case.. I guess each story is different..
But I also agree with some coments above.. I see you trying and trying to save a marriage, but she doesn't seam to care.. So why do you want to save it so bad? Do you think even if you convise her to stay together, that she will miraculosly change and suddenly everything is gonna be ok?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ What you are describing is using the silence as a "cooling down" period. Which is fine. When it is used in a pattern, it is abusive and it is very damaging. 



Sulin said:


> But I also agree with some coments above.. I see you trying and trying to save a marriage, but she doesn't seam to care.. So why do you want to save it so bad?


This! Marriage/relationships are a two-way street. If someone doesn't want to work on it with you, let them go.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

From what I read it sounds like she doesn't want to be with you anymore and she's angry you won't sign the settlement agreement. If that's the case then why don't you let her go and either sign it or get a divorce attorney so she's clear it's being done? Commitment is a lot more than a piece of paper and if you respect her wishes maybe she'll be more likely to come back to you or work with you now. From my perspective as a woman, silent treatment, getting quiet, is what women do when they feel deeply wounded emotionally, they retreat inside. Is it possible she's just so frustrated that she can't get through to you that she's finally just giving up all communication and trying to explain? like she's had short bursts of that in the past and now she's just done? It's hard to understand both sides of the situation without more details.


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

you guys need to get some counseling, people are divorcing some for simple things these days


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ He can't get counselling if she doesn't want any and if she wants a divorce. 

It takes TWO to make a marriage work.


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