# Some advice please Thank you!



## Sandy82

My husband and I have been married for 6 years, we have a beautiful family but we have no sex life whatsoever, we don’t even kiss or hug. Before Covid, it was up and down, we would get closer and then have an argument or work would get stressful and then we would be back to cold and distant for months. At the moment, most days he comes home and doesn’t make eye contact with me, doesn’t really say hi, I wonder if he feels guilty for going out to work in a nice environment while I’m at home doing boring chores…. I don’t get it because I’d love to chat when he comes home but he ignores me so I have to instigate a convo. Sometimes he has no patience and out of nowhere he snaps at me, so I snap back, it’s not a nice atmosphere… I love him and I feel like we’re a good team, worth fighting for, but it’s very hard because he is emotionally very distant, he is not supportive (I’ve had post natal depression twice but he completely ignored it, I had to fix myself alone with the help of therapist and meds and when I tried talking about it, he would just stay silent until I cried and then I wouldn’t even get a hug). I’m so confused and so lost, I don’t want to overreact but I really don’t know what to do anymore…I can never have a deep conversation with him, he’s always working. He is a good guy and very generous and works hard for his family, he adores his kids so it’s confusing for me, am i being annoying? Do I need to ignore those problems and get on with it? Thank you so much.


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## Evinrude58

What does he like to do that you like to do, that you could do together?

it sounds like there’s nothing he wants from you, even sex!🥺
He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want sex, doesn’t want to take a trip…..
And he’s horrible at communicating…

I think I’d check the phone bill if I were you. Clearly he liked talking to you in the past.
Something has changed. Find out what.


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## Diana7

Has he always been like this?


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## Sandy82

He’s always had trouble communicating because his parents and sister are like that, when they walk into a room, they don’t say hi….but I guess it wasn’t as bad before we got married and had children… I have checked his phone so many times but found nothing at all… surely something is up? It’s been worse since about 4 years ago so it’s a long time and it’s become kind of normal to me now which is hard….


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## jonty30

Sandy82 said:


> He’s always had trouble communicating because his parents and sister are like that, when they walk into a room, they don’t say hi….but I guess it wasn’t as bad before we got married and had children… I have checked his phone so many times but found nothing at all… surely something is up? It’s been worse since about 4 years ago so it’s a long time and it’s become kind of normal to me now which is hard….


Is he seemingly devoid of emotion?
He might have Aspergers.


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## Sandy82

Evinrude58 said:


> What does he like to do that you like to do, that you could do together?
> 
> it sounds like there’s nothing he wants from you, even sex!🥺
> He doesn’t want to talk, doesn’t want sex, doesn’t want to take a trip…..
> And he’s horrible at communicating…
> 
> I think I’d check the phone bill if I were you. Clearly he liked talking to you in the past.
> Something has changed. Find out what.


Sometimes we go for lunch, we did go on hol recently but it’s intense because we have 3 children, he was pretty miserable there, I’ve checked his phone and there’s nothing, even social media…


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## Beach123

It seems like you aren’t a good match.
Why wouldn’t you divorce him since he isn’t meeting even the smallest needs you have?

Is it possible he is on the spectrum? It may be you expect something he can’t do.

If it’s that bad then leave the marriage. Life is too short to stay and be unfulfilled.


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## Sandy82

jonty30 said:


> Is he seemingly devoid of emotion?
> He might have Aspergers.


I think the way he was brought up was very awkward when it came to emotions his whole family is like that… but yeah maybe he has, or maybe he just doesn’t like me!


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## Sandy82

Beach123 said:


> It seems like you aren’t a good match.
> Why wouldn’t you divorce him since he isn’t meeting even the smallest needs you have?
> 
> Is it possible he is on the spectrum? It may be you expect something he can’t do.
> 
> If it’s that bad then leave the marriage. Life is too short to stay and be unfulfilled.


I find it hard because of the kids


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## Sandy82

Sandy82 said:


> I find it hard because of the kids


And I haven’t got a career since I’ve been looking after them for the past decade 😩 no way out for me really _sigh_


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## jonty30

Sandy82 said:


> I think the way he was brought up was very awkward when it came to emotions his whole family is like that… but yeah maybe he has, or maybe he just doesn’t like me!


If he has Aspergers, that may not be true. 
Maybe get a checklist of the qualities of Aspergers, of which not everybody is going to fit perfectly, and see how many of them you can check off.
If he's high on the list, you're better off to ask him. 
If his condition is just something you can't live with, divorce may be better.


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## Sandy82

jonty30 said:


> If he has Aspergers, that may not be true.
> Maybe get a checklist of the qualities of Aspergers, of which not everybody is going to fit perfectly, and see how many of them you can check off.
> If he's high on the list, you're better off to ask him.
> If his condition is just something you can't live with, divorce may be better.


I really don’t think it’s Asperger’s


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## Sandy82

Can you make someone like you again or once they’ve changed is it the end? Who decides when it’s the end? Do people work on their mariage anymore? Sorry I really have no one to talk to about this and panicking a bit


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## Casual Observer

Sandy82 said:


> And I haven’t got a career since I’ve been looking after them for the past decade 😩 no way out for me really _sigh_


You’ve been married six years but looking after kids the past decade? We’re the kids a planned thing?


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## Sandy82

Casual Observer said:


> You’ve been married six years but looking after kids the past decade? We’re the kids a planned thing?


Yes, I mean 8 years, our oldest is 8 years old and definitely planned… I love my kids, not resentful, just a bit stuck in terms of finances if I were to leave…


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## Beach123

Then start working. Mins with kids work all the time when they NEED to - and you need to!

If you are really that unfulfilled and don’t see him changing - then you are the one that needs to change everything.

Kids growing up in a house with no love and affection between mom and dad isn’t the best role model for them.


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## Sandy82

Beach123 said:


> Then start working. Mins with kids work all the time when they NEED to - and you need to!
> 
> If you are really that unfulfilled and don’t see him changing - then you are the one that needs to change everything.
> 
> Kids growing up in a house with no love and affection between mom and dad isn’t the best role model for them.





Beach123 said:


> Then start working. Mins with kids work all the time when they NEED to - and you need to!
> 
> If you are really that unfulfilled and don’t see him changing - then you are the one that needs to change everything.
> 
> Kids growing up in a house with no love and affection between mom and dad isn’t the best role model for them.


That’s true, you’re right maybe I’m the one who is tense and boring and maybe that’s why he avoids talking to me, a job and earning money/independence will help, I’m gonna do that and see what happens ❤ Thanks


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## Beach123

The idea is that YOU become financially independent enough that you don’t rely on ANY man to provide you abd your kids basic necessities.

And that helps you make decisions for your life/future that create happiness.

Feeling stuck and dependent on anyone is like living in hell. 

So make sure you have your own choices about what’s best for your future!


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## Sandy82

Beach123 said:


> The idea is that YOU become financially independent enough that you don’t rely on ANY man to provide you abd your kids basic necessities.
> 
> And that helps you make decisions for your life/future that create happiness.
> 
> Feeling stuck and dependent on anyone is like living in hell.
> 
> So make sure you have your own choices about what’s best for your future!


Absolutely 🙏🏻


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## She'sStillGotIt

Sandy82 said:


> *I’ve checked his phone and there’s nothing, even social media…*


Honestly, that doesn't mean squat. That's what most spouses don't understand - they think just because their spouse has no "proof" on their phone, that they must not be cheating.

That's what BURNER PHONES are for, OP.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Sandy82 said:


> _*I think the way he was brought up was very awkward when it came to emotions his whole family is like that… but yeah maybe he has, or maybe he just doesn’t like me!*_


You said yourself that this started about *4 years ago*. So the "is he on the spectrum?" question doesn't really apply here - unless 4 years ago he suddenly became autistic?

If you can define a time when this started, which you're ABLE to do, then there's a REASON for that.


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## Al_Bundy

How old is your youngest?


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## Sandy82

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly, that doesn't mean squat. That's what most spouses don't understand - they think just because their spouse has no "proof" on their phone, that they must not be cheating.
> 
> That's what BURNER PHONES are for, OP.


Omg how do I find a burner phones, where else can I look?


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## Sandy82

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You said yourself that this started about *4 years ago*. So the "is he on the spectrum?" question doesn't really apply here - unless 4 years ago he suddenly became autistic?
> 
> If you can define a time when this started, which you're ABLE to do, then there's a REASON for that.


🤣 he’s def not on the spectrum 
Yeah you’re right, I don’t know if I have the balls to find out what is really causing this, so scary 🤢


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## Sandy82

Sandy82 said:


> 🤣 he’s def not on the spectrum
> Yeah you’re right, I don’t know if I have the balls to find out what is really causing this, so scary 🤢


I originally thought it was our money issues (4 years ago we went spending crazy money on rent) so I go a job but things didn’t get better actually…. There is definitely something going on….


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## Sandy82

Al_Bundy said:


> How old is your youngest?


Our youngest is 18months


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## Al_Bundy

Obviously we are just strangers on a forum guessing, but here's something that stuck out to me.....



Sandy82 said:


> I wonder if he feels guilty for going out to work in a nice environment while I’m at home doing boring chores…


He might feel the opposite. He might be resentful. Some guys feel like a plowhorse in that situation


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## Sandy82

Al_Bundy said:


> Obviously we are just strangers on a forum guessing, but here's something that stuck out to me.....
> 
> 
> 
> He might feel the opposite. He might be resentful. Some guys feel like a plowhorse in that situation


I see what you mean, but why not tell me, why not say “I’d like you to work”, I miss working tbh and I’ve been open about that…childcare is so expensive in the Uk, it’s crazy, I would basically work so we can afford a nanny…it’s a tough one because if he told me to work I would be very happy to do so but I think we would actually have more outgoings in the end… would you tell your wife if you felt that way or do I really need to ask him a few times if that’s how he feels? Do you reckon he is embarrassed to admit it?


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## Sandy82

Sandy82 said:


> I see what you mean, but why not tell me, why not say “I’d like you to work”, I miss working tbh and I’ve been open about that…childcare is so expensive in the Uk, it’s crazy, I would basically work so we can afford a nanny…it’s a tough one because if he told me to work I would be very happy to do so but I think we would actually have more outgoings in the end… would you tell your wife if you felt that way or do I really need to ask him a few times if that’s how he feels? Do you reckon he is embarrassed to admit it?


I know I’m starting to contradict myself here so we might be on to something 😬


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## Al_Bundy

Sandy82 said:


> I see what you mean, but why not tell me, why not say “I’d like you to work”, I miss working tbh and I’ve been open about that…childcare is so expensive in the Uk, it’s crazy, I would basically work so we can afford a nanny…it’s a tough one because if he told me to work I would be very happy to do so but I think we would actually have more outgoings in the end… would you tell your wife if you felt that way or do I really need to ask him a few times if that’s how he feels? Do you reckon he is embarrassed to admit it?


Could be embarrassed, pride. Or some people are in love with their issues, so instead of solving them they let them fester. It's hard say. 

You can always start thinking about what you would want to do. Eventually the kids will be in school. Not to mention you don't want to always feel stuck.


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## Sandy82

Al_Bundy said:


> Could be embarrassed, pride. Or some people are in love with their issues, so instead of solving them they let them fester. It's hard say.
> 
> You can always start thinking about what you would want to do. Eventually the kids will be in school. Not to mention you don't want to always feel stuck.


I think I need to get financially independent and get my confidence back, then none of this will matter so much although it’s heartbreaking but hey that’s life I guess, I’m not gonna chase someone who doesn’t make any effort even if they’re my soulmate 🙏🏻 Thanks all for your opinion


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## LisaDiane

Sandy82 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 6 years, we have a beautiful family but we have no sex life whatsoever, we don’t even kiss or hug. Before Covid, it was up and down, we would get closer and then have an argument or work would get stressful and then we would be back to cold and distant for months. At the moment, most days he comes home and doesn’t make eye contact with me, doesn’t really say hi, I wonder if he feels guilty for going out to work in a nice environment while I’m at home doing boring chores…. I don’t get it because I’d love to chat when he comes home but he ignores me so I have to instigate a convo. Sometimes he has no patience and out of nowhere he snaps at me, so I snap back, it’s not a nice atmosphere… I love him and I feel like we’re a good team, worth fighting for, but it’s very hard because he is emotionally very distant, he is not supportive (I’ve had post natal depression twice but he completely ignored it, I had to fix myself alone with the help of therapist and meds and when I tried talking about it, he would just stay silent until I cried and then I wouldn’t even get a hug). I’m so confused and so lost, I don’t want to overreact but I really don’t know what to do anymore…I can never have a deep conversation with him, he’s always working. He is a good guy and very generous and works hard for his family, he adores his kids so it’s confusing for me, am i being annoying? Do I need to ignore those problems and get on with it? Thank you so much.


I'm not sure if you said this already or not, but have you ever sat down with him and directly ASKED him why he seems so unhappy with you?

You said he snaps at you so you snap back...have you ever tried to respond with concern and genuine surprise when he acts like that for no reason? Instead of getting defensive? (which is very understandable, but it's basically pouring gasoline on a flame)

If he feels ignored and misunderstood, he is going to be miserable (I know I would be), and if he struggles with communication and his emotions, he's going to lash out instead of knowing how to resolve his feelings.

Has he ever specifically blamed you when you've talked to him about it?


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## Sandy82

LisaDiane said:


> I'm not sure if you said this already or not, but have you ever sat down with him and directly ASKED him why he seems so unhappy with you?
> 
> You said he snaps at you so you snap back...have you ever tried to respond with concern and genuine surprise when he acts like that for no reason? Instead of getting defensive? (which is very understandable, but it's basically pouring gasoline on a flame)
> 
> If he feels ignored and misunderstood, he is going to be miserable (I know I would be), and if he struggles with communication and his emotions, he's going to lash out instead of knowing how to resolve his feelings.
> 
> Has he ever specifically blamed you when you've talked to him about it?


Yes I have but he is very vague and never explains how he feels… which is why I’m on this forum to see if anyone has been in this situation before…. I don’t think it’s all my fault, I do a lot to make his life as easy as possible. I snap back because if I didn’t he walk talk to me like poop too often, boundaries are important I think, women that don’t earn money often end up being talked to like this because they’re not financially independent, it’s sad


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## DownByTheRiver

He sounds like he definitely has trouble connecting emotionally. I think you should try marriage counseling.


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## DownByTheRiver

Sandy82 said:


> Yes I have but he is very vague and never explains how he feels… which is why I’m on this forum to see if anyone has been in this situation before…. I don’t think it’s all my fault, I do a lot to make his life as easy as possible. I snap back because if I didn’t he walk talk to me like poop too often, boundaries are important I think, women that don’t earn money often end up being talked to like this because they’re not financially independent, it’s sad


It's fine to stand your ground and stand up for yourself but you need to find out what his problem is and I think you're going to have to do it in marriage counseling. If that's the kind of family he grew up in, it may be deeper rooted than anything will help, but he needs to change his behavior. Apparently he changed his behavior long enough to get you to marry him. So that's kind of bait and switch.

Is there any reason he would be mad at you sexually? Because that and money seems to be the main thing married men care about. So is he been out of shape because you don't look like you're 20 anymore or because you're spending a lot of money?


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## LisaDiane

Sandy82 said:


> Yes I have but he is very vague and never explains how he feels… which is why I’m on this forum to see if anyone has been in this situation before…. I don’t think it’s all my fault, I do a lot to make his life as easy as possible. I snap back because if I didn’t he walk talk to me like poop too often, boundaries are important I think, women that don’t earn money often end up being talked to like this because they’re not financially independent, it’s sad


I wasn't suggesting that you needed to do more or respond differently, I was just asking specifically so I could get a clearer picture of what might be happening.

I was in a similar situation as you. And I was a stay-at-home mom and wife for over 20yrs. However, I never ever felt like I was at all inferior or "stuck"...although I know that is how many people do feel. I completely disagree that women not earning money is why they are spoken to that way - money is not the only way a person gains respect (or deserves it).

Also you didn't really answer my question about snapping back at him - what happens if when you DON'T snap back, and you actually ASK him why he is snapping at you? Does he answer at all?

I believe boundaries are VERY important. But there are ways to set boundaries that are healthier than just responding in kind to his toxic communication style. 

I agree with @DownByTheRiver...counseling is probably a good idea.


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## Sandy82

LisaDiane said:


> I wasn't suggesting that you needed to do more or respond differently, I was just asking specifically so I could get a clearer picture of what might be happening.
> 
> I was in a similar situation as you. And I was a stay-at-home mom and wife for over 20yrs. However, I never ever felt like I was at all inferior or "stuck"...although I know that is how many people do feel. I completely disagree that women not earning money is why they are spoken to that way - money is not the only way a person gains respect (or deserves it).
> 
> Also you didn't really answer my question about snapping back at him - what happens if when you DON'T snap back, and you actually ASK him why he is snapping at you? Does he answer at all?
> 
> I believe boundaries are VERY important. But there are ways to set boundaries that are healthier than just responding in kind to his toxic communication style.
> 
> I agree with @DownByTheRiver...counseling is probably a good idea.


Yes I have asked him over the years why he snaps at me and sometimes he apologised but it’s been years now of walking on eggshells so I got tired and snapped back. You’re right counselling is a good idea. The money thing is probably in my head. Most women around me and on my side of the family have managed to have amazing careers and children so it probably comes from that! I feel insecure and rejected, it sucks


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## Sandy82

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's fine to stand your ground and stand up for yourself but you need to find out what his problem is and I think you're going to have to do it in marriage counseling. If that's the kind of family he grew up in, it may be deeper rooted than anything will help, but he needs to change his behavior. Apparently he changed his behavior long enough to get you to marry him. So that's kind of bait and switch.
> 
> Is there any reason he would be mad at you sexually? Because that and money seems to be the main thing married men care about. So is he been out of shape because you don't look like you're 20 anymore or because you're spending a lot of money?


I think he’s too stressed to have sex? Is that a thing? It sounds ridiculous but that’s the only thing I can think of other than cheating… I work out 4 times a week so I haven’t changed much physically and I am very carefully with money, all our money goes on our kids’ private education. And again I feel guilty for not being able to help financially, so yeah I need a job and we need counselling.


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## DownByTheRiver

Sandy82 said:


> I think he’s too stressed to have sex? Is that a thing? It sounds ridiculous but that’s the only thing I can think of other than cheating… I work out 4 times a week so I haven’t changed much physically and I am very carefully with money, all our money goes on our kids’ private education. And again I feel guilty for not being able to help financially, so yeah I need a job and we need counselling.


I don't think it's a thing for 6 years. In fact I was just on a thread on this forum yesterday that was about how guys like to have sex when they're stressed out to relieve their stress. I think he's got some kind of a psychological problem but he might have erectile dysfunction. Guys with erectile dysfunction don't want to talk about it and it makes them mad and all that. So mad that a lot of serial rapists and serial killers have erectile dysfunction. But I somehow think this guy is mental. Even guys who cheat generally try to carry on sexual relations with their wife as well because their goal isn't to find one woman to have sex with but to find as many as they can get away with. 

Now if you've ever cheated or done anything to lose his trust, certainly that would do it. Or if he's the paranoid type who thinks you have whether you have or not, that can do the same thing and there are a lot of those out there.


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## Prodigal

Sandy82 said:


> I think he’s too stressed to have sex? Is that a thing?


For short periods of time, sure. For the duration of time you've reported, no. If your husband has a burner phone, you probably won't find it. The thing is, a normal, healthy man (and woman) desire sex from their partner. Frankly, he and his family sound downright WEIRD. Not greeting or acknowledging others when they enter a room? WTF???? 

If it's not an affair, he could be dealing with depression. But without a professional assessment, you have no way of actually knowing. The thing is, your husband has completely detached from you emotionally and physically. That is no way to live.

Get a job. Get training for a job if you need it. Start earning money. Start detaching from him. Stop worrying about what's wrong with him. Focus on yourself and your children.


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## NotSureAnyMore1

Sandy82 said:


> He’s always had trouble communicating because his parents and sister are like that, when they walk into a room, they don’t say hi….but I guess it wasn’t as bad before we got married and had children… I have checked his phone so many times but found nothing at all… surely something is up? It’s been worse since about 4 years ago so it’s a long time and it’s become kind of normal to me now which is hard….


It is not normal to life as a partners with no communications and romantic moments and I am saying this after 11 years of marriage. I understand sometimes you will all spend time not talking to each others and ignoring each other because of a fight or disagreement. But I can not live my life under one roof with my spouse as you described. 

Do you find your husband carrying more responsibilities today than when you first met? The reason I am asking, because during my marriage I had to work while I was still full time student and that put more responsibilities on me and made me more busy with less interest for sex but still I will ask for it once a week or max every two weeks but less than before. My wife did not like that and felt there is another women in my life specially I was working overseas for few years were I see her 65 days a year. Even after I explained to her, she would not believe me. Having to worry about your studies and work will keep you awake all night, yet still will not believe me even after I moved back with her to another job. 

You may not need the money, but I think you should look for a job and keep yourself busy and have the kids to stay with a baby-sitter or something. I feel this could be a good solution to fill your day and allow your husband to start realizing your place in the house and his life where he may come back and fix the issue.


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