# Working it out - Living apart?



## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

Hello all! I came by this site, and it seems like many of you all have some pretty good advice to give out. I was hoping someone could chime in and tell me if they have had experience with living apart while trying to work things out. My husband and I are one inch from calling it quits... we both say we want to try to work things out, but we fight everyday about the most simple, dumb things you could imagine. We have not been married but 2 1/2 years, and each admit we still love each other and want to work things out. We started MC last week, and have our second appt this Thursday. I feel like we take a step forward but then fight (we have terrible communication) about something stupid and take 100 steps back. We did not date for long and never lived together before we got married. I just feel like we just skipped over the "dating" part. Has anyone else had an experience like this? I am thinking about suggesting I move out for a short-term separation while we work on our communication. The fighting is unbearable but living in an 1100 sq ft apt makes 'distance' impossible. Any suggestions?

No kids. He is 28 and I am 27. No affairs. Both are financially secure.


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## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

Anyone?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't communicate as effectively if you are not together.

Separation gives you time to think alone if you don't get that at home. Do you need time to thnk?

Separation gives you time to be self indulgent and selfish. Do you need that?

Separation makes it very hard to listen to each other, to reach out an hood a hand, to build a bridge. Do you need any of this?

I generally do thnk separation is useful. It's just a soft step towards divorce. But thats just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

If you are arguing, perhaps setting rules on how you talk to each other, and rules on no shouting, allowing the other person to call a time out during an argument could help?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

like Shaggy, I think separation only helps to disconnect. If you want to stay connected but feel like you need "breathing space" then make some space for breathing, plan a relaxing getaway, take a retreat, or get in tune with nature but it must be temporarily because when you are apart the communication stops.

And honestly it shouldn't take more than a day or two alone to meditate on your thoughts and feelings... I think the problem with separation is many believe it will give them a taste of what life would be like without their spouse in it, but a temporary separation really can't deliver that reality, it doesn't reveal any insight because unless you are permanently ending it there are always duties and consequences towards your spouse in a committed relationship... a separation doesn't give you a reprieve from life's responsibilities.


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## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

Well... I have never thought of it that way.

Yes, I need time to think, but not to be self-indulgent... You make a good point that not living together makes it hard to build a bridge and to practice good communication. I think setting boundaries is what we need, but it's difficult when dealing with such a passive-aggressive person. 

This morning we almost started to argue (and to be honest I can't even remember what it was about - that's how dumb our arguments are), and I said "I refuse to fight with you this morning". As I walked away he said some kind of snide remark that I ignored. I turned around and said, "when you are ready to speak to me with respect and act like an adult, we can talk".

Surprisingly, it actually worked. The more I think about it, I think that if the time comes where I move out, it needs to be for good. I never looked at it as a "soft step towards" divorce. That's not what I want.

Thanks!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

WonderingAway said:


> This morning we almost started to argue (and to be honest I can't even remember what it was about - that's how dumb our arguments are), and I said "I refuse to fight with you this morning". As I walked away he said some kind of snide remark that I ignored. I turned around and said, "when you are ready to speak to me with respect and act like an adult, we can talk".
> 
> Surprisingly, it actually worked.
> 
> Thanks!!


Well done. Not taking up the challenge to argue and exchange words is a big hard and effective step. It's also free,meaning it didn't cost you any respect,loss of love, etc.

You might want to buy a coupe of books on understanding styles or arguing for couples which may offer approaches that are more productive than the pattern the two of you have fallen into.

Btw, the time to talk about how to talk together better and what the rules of conversation should be is not while either of you is feeling tired, frustrated or angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Btw, the time to talk about how to talk together better and what the rules of conversation should be is not while either of you is feeling tired, frustrated or angry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have read many books in the past... what I found was that BOTH of you usually have to read the book for it to work (my husband would rather have the flu than read ANY book!), and since there are 1000's of personalities out there, the books tend to generalize without being able to "speak" to your own unique situation.

We started MC last week and it went great. We have our second meeting tomorrow, and I feel like as long as we stick to it that is our best route. Again, everyone is different! Thanks for the pat on the back though! Forget how that feels sometimes LOL :smthumbup:


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