# New thread because I just don't know what to do



## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Time has past and long story short I have make progress only to be just back to where I seem to have started from. I've made HUGE mistakes and I just can't seem to really move forward.

Mark wanted to see me the other day (two days ago now) I didn't understand it and I really wasn't sure what the reason was. I did end up seeing him, I asked why he wanted to see me and he said just wanted to is all. It was a 'blah' hour to be honest. Not good to go up to 'our' house it's got too many memories and it felt like it should have all been back the way it was.

I have since seen my therapist again and he is recommening that I cut all contact (difficult seeing that we have paperwork etc to sort out - or am I just making excuses?)

I spoke with Mark and told him that I had to cut ALL contact. He's not happy about it and said it makes him sad that he wont be able to make sure I am alright..

It's not a long term thing - just until I stop hoping for things to change, stop needing him and feeling so angry and jealous. I have never been jealous before with him so it's a new and explosive reaction to him seeing his friends...

I HATE the thought of not having any contact with him. Will this trully help me get over it? 

The therapist says that if I am to trully become friends with Mark (which is what Mark wants but me not so sure it can work) then this is the only option. He said to go from a loving relationship to friends over night would imply that there was no real love in the relationship in the first place - sound true.

I needed to get this off my chest. has anyone sucessfully had a no contact seperation that has worked out for the best int he end?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I don't have any experience but was also thinking that this is what I'm going to do as well, I think for me out of sight, out of mind will be better for me....keep me posted how your feel about it.
it's all tough, but hang in there


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Hi again,

So far today has been a total wreck. I have been down and crying for most of it (not a good look at work LOL but they do understand). My main probblem atm seems to be thinking and twisting things too much...
He has a friend at work (lady...who is always on and off with her BF) He has been there for her when she was going some bad stuff and now she's being there for him... I HATE IT. Am so jealous about it...when I am being irrational I think that this is the reason we broke up... when I put it in perspective I know that he's just trying to take his mind off everything, have a few drinks (which is out of character for him btw) and try to relax.... Much the same as I've been doing as thinking about it 24/7 is driving us both nuts.

I get a over wrought and stressed when I think about it. It makes me want to do something stupid... but I dont really think I will.

Deep down inside I know he cares about me and that he just has some sort of problem (his thoughts) which is why he just stopped loving me... Look it hurts like hell but there is nothing I can do about it really. I do want to be friends with him. We were friends first and would like to be friends last as well...

Today has been really hard... especially when am a bit looney and what to ring him as ask questions about everything.. Know that i can't that's why we are trying the no contact thing..

I guess it will serve two purposes - 1. I feel calmer and be able to make the transition and 2. he will miss me.

I'm so up and down that it's crazy to feel like this all of the time.

I think that once I get through the first couple of days it will be easier... but the hard part will be that I'll start to think I am okay and want to see him.. I have to stick it out for atleast a while.....put a goal of the 18th of December on it - may change but it's something am working towards...


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Okay I'm a fool - I'll admitt it freely now.

he has 'suddenly' fallen in love with another woman. Still swears black and blue it wasn't the reason we broke up - would like to believe it but can't....

The reason he wanted to see me earlier in the week was that he wanted to tell me.....he chickened out fo I had to find out for my self..... Crazy as it is I went up to the house in the middle of the night.. I think this has been going on since around the 17th of November - just dating etc nothing more until now. The f***er of it all is that I trusted him to tell me the truth, nothing but a web of lies has spewed from his mouth in the past 3 weeks (not to mention the two months before.)

I am a worthy person and I know that... I suppose you can't help who you fall in love with but WOW it'a little shock.
I think he began an emotional affiar with her around 3 months ago.... I suppose I should be thankful that he wasn't sleeping with her.. Now he is of course...Im my F***ing house!

She is about 8 years younger than me, totally different in looks and mind... I fiind it frustrating.

Possibly this is a re-bound relationship that just wont work... or maybe he really has just found his soulmate.. who knows.

I can FINALLY move on, before I still had hope, now it's a black and white.... 

Anyone got any good coping ideas?


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## Figs (Dec 2, 2009)

take a tropical vacation with some close friends and just have fun!!


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## Bel (Nov 6, 2009)

Just wanted to say that I did a little investigating - He really wasn't with her before the 17th of November...
He has supplied me with phone bills and bank statements etc...
It's at least calmed me down and made me trust myself again.. before I was doubting every thought that I had.

He still wants to be friends...Wait until he's out of the house and then I can think about that.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

What is this nonsense about "still wanting to be friends" that leaving spouses keep spouting. Good grief, you're divorcing me which is the worst thing anyone has ever done to me, and you seriously think I'll still want to be friends with you? Ov vey.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't care what he showed you--he could have a phone and credit card you know nothing about.

There is a funny book "It's called a Break Up because it's Broken" by the guy who wrote "He's not that into You." (The Break Up book, he wrote with his wife). They recommend a 2 month no-contact period. Do you have kids? If not, go cold turkey and hang in there for at least 2 months. You will find it reall hard at first, but it will get easier (watch out for the "bad days" that will come just as you think you are doing better, however). Honestly, it takes a long time to stop loving what you thought was the other person--but all you continue to love is your memory of all the good stuff, not the "real" person. You miss being important to someone or having someone to lean on. All very normal and something you will survive! The self-discovery of being on your own is so empowering; you won't be dependent again if you give yourself enough time to love being on your own. Then being with someone else becomes a choice--carefully weighed--because you will know how much you enjoy your freedom and independence. There are so many of us--women, and men too, who have traveled this path successfully, so you know you can do it! God bless, and good luck!


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