# Sexless marriage turned sexful... and I'm angry.



## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Long time lurker, first time poster. Anyway, some context... been with wife for over 8 years, married for the last 4. We're in our mid-30s and have no kids. Our relationship has been pretty good--not great, but certainly not bad. I guess if you could rate it on a 1-10 scale, it would be a 7. Financially we do very, very well and we avoid pretty much all of the fights a lot of our peers get into due to monetary disagreements, and so forth. That said, nearly all of our problems over the years--including the 4 years before marriage--were due to (a) my lack of emotion and introversion and (b) our pretty much non-existent / unfulfilling sex life (entirely her fault).

After years of sexual rejection, I pretty much stopped caring. My libido slowed down a smidgen about a year ago, and while I still craved sexual attention, I pretty much knew she wouldn't please me, so I stopped trying as much. We'd have sex 1-2 times a month (usually unfulfilling for me, but that's okay), and I was fine with that. I found other interests that channeled my time and I got tired of fighting about it. We had an in-depth discussion on sex about 8 months ago, which was very hard for me due to my lack of emotion and introversion, but she was receptive (albeit defensive), and said things would get better. "Better" lasted for about 2 weeks, and the old ways came back, as I expected. I wasn't surprised, and I wasn't even really disappointed. The holidays came, we both got flu viruses that kept us out of the pocket for a while, and something changed in her...

She became much more sexual--not merely as an obligation as it had been for most of the last 7.5 years--but actual consistent, mind-blowing pleasure. I mean, she's always been capable of being amazing in bed. It was just a rare occasion that the experience was any fun for me--most of the time she treated it like a chore. To be honest, she's approached me more in the last 5-6 months, than she did in the first 7.5 years combined. Heck, she's approached me more in the last 3 weeks than the first 7.5 years. And it's good pleasure for both of us--she let's me go down on her a lot more than she has in a long time, she reciprocates oral, swallows, multiple positions, anal play, sex spontaneously (we even did it in the car in our garage last weekend after we came home from a night out... never did that with her before).

With all of this, I should be happy--but I'm not. I'm angry, I'm pissed, I'm disappointed. Why did it take 7.5 years? We got into a small fight this weekend (again about my lack of emotion and introversion), and I shifted the conversation to sex and asked her what changed recently and why this behavior didn't change years ago when she knew it was important to me. She said she didn't know, but that she has felt more confidence in herself, she loves me, and that she no longer has pain when we have sex (this was a apparently a huge problem for years--vaginal tearing/pain from me... though, for various reasons I never really bought her story). She also out-of-the-blue said something to the effect of "Since I started dating you and all the time since I've never been with anyone else..." which I thought was very odd...

I guess my question here is to see if anyone else has dealt with a sexless marriage turned into a sexually fulfilling marriage. If so, did you have feelings and thoughts similar to mine? I'm trying to be happy about our newfound situation, but at the same time I have natural feelings of confusion and resentment.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Me 35, she 33. What is your "other idea"? Affair from her? There was a time when I wondered that too given some of the variables in play, but I think it's highly unlikely. Without going into details, if anyone would've known about her activity, it would have been me. I never found anything.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, I was your wife. It's too difficult to come to any decent conclusion about why she changed. I remember I had a dream, YEARS ago that my husband was in love with one of my friends. I woke up and for a short time tried to be more sexually open with him. maybe you wife had something similar? Maybe she found out about someone else's affair? Maybe the distance in the relationship sent her searching for ways to get it back and she's grown a big girl vagina so now she can initiate? 

Whatever the reason, your resentment isn't going to help her open up with you.

So lets talk about your resentment? You admit that you are introverted and lack emotion. Do you understand how that makes her feel? Your lack of emotional response to her sure wouldn't make her want to jump your bones, so what did you do all those years that would make her WANT to have sex with you? Being a good companion doesn't make a girl wet her panties. 

You said 8 months ago you had an in depth discussion. I assume this means you described how important a good sex life was to you? You say she got defensive... So does that mean she also had some needs that you weren't meeting? Did she mention anything about lack of romance, lack of affection, lack of emotional connection?

Is any of this sounding real to your life?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Plan 9, he already said - they are mid-30s.

So, my best guess(es)?
1. She has hit/is hitting her peak... your ages fit that time frame.
2. You said you lack emotion/are introverted. Did you ever think that this could be a part of HER problem when it came to sex all these years? No emotions/little emotion can play a large part in why someone (most will agree, usually women) would have little interest in sex.

I'm NOT putting all the blame on you for this... but you absolutely cannot put it ALL in her lap. This is a problem you have had together. But now, I really think it's her drive hitting its peak.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Micro you've accidentally done 180. Now you're pissed that game was needed.


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## GinnyTonia (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't see how you can say that the lack of sex was "entirely her fault" when you admit to having a lack of emotion for her. 

I went through a change after my second child at the age of 28. I became an insatiable freak whereas before I was ho-hum about sex. (I'm 35 and still quite libidinous) 

So there's that, but an affair could also trigger hyper-sexuality. Don't accuse until you have evidence. But be alert. 

Hopefully it's just her natural fluctuation and you two can take this opportunity to draw close, work on issues including your resentment, and ride the wave of your newfound excitement.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> she no longer has pain when we have sex (this was a apparently a huge problem for years--vaginal tearing/pain from me... though, for various reasons I never really bought her story). She also out-of-the-blue said something to the effect of "Since I started dating you and all the time since I've never been with anyone else..." which I thought was very odd...


As for this part... what was said about the tearing/pain that you didn't believe? Did she ever get anything checked out? I ask because there IS something that could be wrong with a woman which can cause this... I won't diagnose, since I am not a doctor. But did she ever get it checked out?

Also, her comment isn't as odd as you might think. Think about it... in 7.5 years, your sex life was nearly non-existent. Now, she's jumping you any chance she gets. She likely knows you were trying to figure out, at some point, if there was someone else...And her behavior NOW is odd, compared to previously. So, she was trying to reassure you that there is not, and has never been, someone else. So, not really odd, IMO.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> As for this part... what was said about the tearing/pain that you didn't believe? Did she ever get anything checked out? I ask because there IS something that could be wrong with a woman which can cause this... I won't diagnose, since I am not a doctor. But did she ever get it checked out?
> 
> Also, her comment isn't as odd as you might think. Think about it... in 7.5 years, your sex life was nearly non-existent. Now, she's jumping you any chance she gets. She likely knows you were trying to figure out, at some point, if there was someone else...And her behavior NOW is odd, compared to previously. So, she was trying to reassure you that there is not, and has never been, someone else. So, not really odd, IMO.


She had it checked multiple times by multiple health professionals (wife is MD too), but they never could identify the cause. She went through some muscle-relaxing therapy for a while, but it didn't really help. She was also using prescription numbing agents, but again didn't help much (dulled the pain during, but only caused more pain the next day according to her). Only in the last 6 months have we had consistent sex without any of the vaginal muscle exercise, artificial lubrication, numbing cream, etc.

Her comment about being with no one else was odd to me because it came out of left field, and I took it one of two ways. Either as you interpreted above, or that she was subtly asking or accusing me if I had had sex with other women during our time together. Truth told, I almost cheated a few times some years back (I used to travel for work a lot), but I was too afraid of getting caught or blackmailed and never went through with it. Like my wife, I haven't been with anyone else since we started dating (no "grey area" either...no kissing, no sex, no BJ, or anything else that would constitute unfaithful).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Are you serious? so you've known all along she's had painful intercourse and yet so blithely state your abysmal sex life is "entirely her fault" as you also admit to being emotionally...retarded ...was that the word you used, I can't remember?

And you're feeling resentful .... Signing off now cause you are not worth a ban.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Are you serious? so you've known all along she's had painful intercourse and yet so blithely state your abysmal sex life is "entirely her fault" as you also admit to being emotionally...retarded ...was that the word you used, I can't remember?
> 
> And you're feeling resentful .... Signing off now cause you are not worth a ban.


It's not that simple, and I didn't know all along--it was years into the relationship where mentioned this as a reason, and for a variety of reasons I've never really come to terms with this, whether it is true or not, physical or psychological. There were a lot of other intangibles in play here as well that maybe I'll delve into at some point. Most people just don't understand, so I'll leave it at that.

As for me, yes, I'm emotionally distant. I internalize things and keep to myself for the most part. I've always been this way, and most people close to me accept me for who and what I am. Does this help the circumstances in my relationship? Obviously not. Am I the primary reason why my marriage was sexless? I say not a chance. But nonetheless, those close to me have either learned to move on without me or to accept me as I am, knowing that--like all humans--I have my flaws, but that there are other redeeming qualities about me that compensate for said flaws. Criticizing me over this matter might make you some friends here, but it doesn't bother me and certainly won't change me, so... carry on!

As for the wife and I, neither one of us would tell you that we've been perfect in our marriage and relationship, but things work pretty well for us. The sexual problems we've had over the years have been an ongoing struggle and probably the biggest issue we've faced.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Micro you've accidentally done 180. Now you're pissed that game was needed.


:smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:

Mr. Micro, both you and your wife need to see a therapist, for you to be able to forgive, and for her to understand what's going on with her own self all these years, and for both of you to decide whether this sudden sexual normalcy is temporary or permanent. If this is temporary, and you don't want to live another sexless life, you know what to do. If this is permanent, then we are happy for you.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> :smthumbup::iagree::smthumbup:
> 
> Mr. Micro, both you and your wife need to see a therapist, for you to be able to forgive, and for her to understand what's going on with her own self all these years, and for both of you to decide whether this sudden sexual normalcy is temporary or permanent. If this is temporary, and you don't want to live another sexless life, you know what to do. If this is permanent, then we are happy for you.


My wife did something similar during this same age period in our marriage. She started going to Victoria's Secret (online) and getting some new outfits. She actually got to where she surpassed my sex drive a little (which was amazing!). I think she possibly (I'm not sure) discovered a porn picture (that was in "downloads") on my computer (while doing a search for some photos), which might have triggered the whole thing.

It lasted about 6 months and then the fireworks were pretty much over. It was really awesome while it lasted, though.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Yea Mr. Eyuop, that's what I was talking about. There is a big difference between temporary libidinal raise and permanent love.


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## jen53 (Apr 26, 2013)

very often us women are not confident when younger,- we hit our peak early 30's onwards I think, I know as my confidence grew I felt more at ease to try things, felt more sexy and knew more about what turned me on- although ostly that was met with husband being too tired, or me beig called a dirty gerty, which knocked my confidence a lot.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> It's not that simple, and I didn't know all along--it was years into the relationship where mentioned this as a reason, and for a variety of reasons I've never really come to terms with this, whether it is true or not, physical or psychological. There were a lot of other intangibles in play here as well that maybe I'll delve into at some point. Most people just don't understand, so I'll leave it at that.
> 
> As for me, yes, I'm emotionally distant. I internalize things and keep to myself for the most part. I've always been this way, and most people close to me accept me for who and what I am. Does this help the circumstances in my relationship? Obviously not. Am I the primary reason why my marriage was sexless? I say not a chance. But nonetheless, those close to me have either learned to move on without me or to accept me as I am, knowing that--like all humans--I have my flaws, but that there are other redeeming qualities about me that compensate for said flaws. Criticizing me over this matter might make you some friends here, but it doesn't bother me and certainly won't change me, so... carry on!
> 
> As for the wife and I, neither one of us would tell you that we've been perfect in our marriage and relationship, but things work pretty well for us. The sexual problems we've had over the years have been an ongoing struggle and probably the biggest issue we've faced.


Since you came to these forums, you have to look for more red flags to see a possible affair.

One of these red flags is your own description of yourself. You need to change, you probably did not realize that. You are stuck in your own set behavior, and think this is it, I am not like other people and am born this way.

The good news is: yes you can change.
The bad news is: you have to work on it.

Generally people who are emotionally handicapped think they are solid in character and cannot change their personality.
(Maybe they would not want to change, in fear of losing themselves). They see changing their behavior as a useless pretending to be different, possible on the surface for some time, but after that reverting to their good old themselves.

If you look at seminars like that of Tony Robbins, you could start to believe that other people really believe in change.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CNqYjRAVz4


The acceptance of the possibility of change is the key to your future. I hope you will believe you can, then it will happen. Believing this is a choice. Make that choice.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Sounds like you have never met her emotional needs, yet you are angry that she didn't meet your sexual needs. 

I think you need to step up, and be more open with her.

If you are worried she's cheating, look for signs. But she may not be. If not instead of holding grudges you should enjoy the sex but realise that unless you also make an effort to not be so closed off your wife may detach again and eventually move on. 

You both need to realise that emotional and physical/ sexual needs are very important to a healthy relationship.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

There is a difference between women peeking in their 30's because they all of a sudden get confident in themselves and and there sexuality and when they peek in their 40's when their hormone levels shift. I have always been HD but when I hit my 30's I got more experimental, it was fun we kept some of the new things....in my 40's though.... Katie bar the door!!! Hormone overload here we come...turned into a demanding little lady, I have! Big guy loves to tease me about how hard he has it...every other day just to keep me happy. I do get pretty cranky...seriously I read the posts on here of some of these husbands in sexless marriages and I don't know how you do it. I think I would go postal or hog tie my hubster to the bed... 

To OP you can spend your time worrying and being angry about what could have been or enjoy the ride. Why not enjoy the ride while it lasts and focus your energy on figuring out how to make it last.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I think you need to embrace this as something wonderful that has happened to your marriage. Although you are angry about the past and can go to therapy and do some introspection as to why you're so angry about your wife's 180 now, you shouldn't let it sabotauge your marriage, and what could turn your OK marriage into a really wonderful one. 

I'm in my mid 40's and was always LD. About 2 years ago, that has turned around. I'm not HD - maybe around medium. These things happen and it's great. You should be happy not angry. Why are you angry about this when from the outside looking in, it's so awesome. I guess that's the problem. I'm on the outside but do everything you can to forgive you wife for her past LD and celebrate this.


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## NeverAgain12 (Jan 15, 2012)

Isgirl3, I see what you're saying but I think your perspective is a bit tainted as you've been the LD partner and don't have a clue what it feels like and how much resentment he has about feeling that they've wasted some prime years of their life.

Does he own some of this with his introverted nature? Yes. But consider that perhaps he would have been more open to his wife if she didn't shut him down and ration him sex (which is how he receives love and affection).


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry I missed it. What type of penance do you recommend?


Hmmm... I'll defer to Mrs. Plan 9 on that one...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your feelings are normal.
You know she is not opening up in response to you.
Therefore you know you have no control over whether this is something that will last or just go poof. So you don't want to get too emotionally invested.


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## Visual1 (Apr 16, 2013)

From my past experience, I think your wife might be pregnant. Her hormone is thru the roof now. That is why she wants more lately. 
When my wife was in the initial stage of her pregnancy, she was like a process person. She wanted to do it 3 times a day. Those were my happiest days of my life.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Life Lesson One: Life is not perfect.
Life Lesson Two: When things are good, enjoy it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MicroStorm said:


> It's not that simple, and I didn't know all along--it was years into the relationship where mentioned this as a reason, and for a variety of reasons I've never really come to terms with this, whether it is true or not, physical or psychological. There were a lot of other intangibles in play here as well that maybe I'll delve into at some point. Most people just don't understand, so I'll leave it at that.
> 
> *I don't understand how painful intercourse for your wife is something you've never come to terms with. You mention she used creams to numb her vagina so she could have sex. Thats not an intangible and I'm not seeing how you can know your wife has to numb her vagina in order to have sex with you yet remain unconvinced that pain might play a role in her lack of desire to have sex?
> 
> ...


So the biggest issue your relationship has faced, you've left your wife to figure it out on her own. You haven't been convinced about her pain, you haven't felt emotionally connected to her. You've distanced yourself and then shrug your shoulders stating that people who know you accept it. And you therefore expect your wife to accept it. Yet your lack of acceptance to her issues is okay?

Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and check out the emotional needs checklist. print two, one for each of you. Discuss how you're each meeting one another's top 5 emotional needs, or not. Once you both understand what each of you need, AND seek to meet those needs your resentment and anger will disappear. But you may end up with some egg on your face...


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Are you guys trying for a baby? Maybe that's why she so enthusiastic. 

Things that came to mind:

Baby making
Hitting her peak
She's thinking of someone else. Maybe a crush. 
Afraid you're going to leave because of lack of sex.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mineforever said:


> There is a difference between women peeking in their 30's because they all of a sudden get confident in themselves and and there sexuality and when they peek in their 40's when their hormone levels shift. I have always been HD but when I hit my 30's I got more experimental, it was fun we kept some of the new things....*in my 40's though.... Katie bar the door!!! Hormone overload here we come...turned into a demanding little lady, I have! * Big guy loves to tease me about how hard he has it...every other day just to keep me happy. *I do get pretty cranky...seriously I read the posts on here of some of these husbands in sexless marriages and I don't know how you do it. I think I would go postal or hog tie my hubster to the bed...*
> 
> To OP you can spend your time worrying and being angry about what could have been or enjoy the ride. Why not enjoy the ride while it lasts and focus your energy on figuring out how to make it last.


 Love this post ... I was like this...hitting those early 40's... but more like -during the beginning of that I'd have died & went to heaven for a whopping 3 times a day! Every other would have FRUSTRATED me something awful... Not so bad since the Libido storm has calmed .... 

I was never NO Drive , or Low Drive, just repressed some in regards to what we did...my husband held some *resentment* towards me as I was too into our kids -threw him on the back burner to some degree..we had 5 in 9 yrs.. though he was thrilled when I came into that, wanted to ride it out as long as possible....it opened our sexual communication & we had ourselves a mid life honeymoon, Most exciting yrs ever. 

I did a thread on sexual Resentment here -Resentment test in the 1st line...  http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html

Ya know.. the unemotional would be very very difficult for some women to live with... I don't know how your wife is, if she is high in the logical, very active outside of the marriage, just not one who delights in Romance for instance (completely unlike myself)...then maybe it wasn't THAT huge of a deal/factor for her those last 7 yrs..I don't know.. 

But a woman who is more the Feeling /Romantic type...that would have been MISERABLE to live with, very "roomatish"...plus if she had a lower drive to begin with, could have just sucked all her enthusiasm and passion along with it. 

I think this book is phenomenal >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ in explaining these Core Emotional Needs -in a healthy thriving marriage, to WHY it is So darn important....

She wasn't giving *sexual fulfillment*...You were lacking in other areas as well she may have craved... Where would you say SHE lacked...you and her both ? in going down this list...... Copy the Questionnaire below and you & she can fill those out and compare, start the communication where you have missed it..deal with the resentment, forgive...and go forth in Hope for a new beginning.... 



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...










 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Here's a way to look at it to get over the anger....you've admitted you are emotionally distant. That this is the way you are, and are inflexible to change it. Surely you must see how this can be a challenge to any relationship...yet you indicate no inclination to try to modify this characteristic even slightly.

Your wife, on the other hand, has recognized that not fulfilling your sexual needs challenged your relationship. She has made a conscious effort to change, in spite of your lack of effort to change. So how about giving her some credit instead of dwelling on things that cannot be altered?....much the same as your personality can't be altered either. Sounds like she knows she made a mistake and is rectifying it....something countless men on these boards wish their wives would do. But instead of reciprocating her efforts, you're making yourself even MORE emotionally distant.....for what purpose??????


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

MicroStorm said:


> Am I the primary reason why my marriage was sexless? I say not a chance.


First, I don't think anyone is saying this is all on you. However you can't just dismiss the fact that when couples have issues like this, there are usually problems on both sides. Is it 50/50? 60/40? 70/30? Really doesn't matter. You both have to make changes.

And it sounds like she has. Embrace that.

Should you feel resentment? Absolutely. You struggled through a sexless marriage, accepted it and all of a sudden, you're supposed to let that go because now your wife is the one with a high drive. 

But here's the thing... you can let that resentment eat at you, build a wall out of it and a few years down the road you will be even more miserable than you are now. Or you can let it go, make the effort to use your wife's newly found libido to strengthen your marriage and live a happier life. Choice is yours.


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## Longtime married (Nov 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Longtime married (Nov 28, 2012)

My gosh unless you have some reason to suspect she has had or is having an affair, I'd keep my mouth closed and enjoy it. You were mad when she didn't and now you're made because she is, what the heck do you want. You're coming off as someone who can never be happy either way. Take a look on here and see how many people male/female wishes their spouse would come alive like yours has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your feelings are normal.
> You know she is not opening up in response to you.
> Therefore you know you have no control over whether this is something that will last or just go poof. So you don't want to get too emotionally invested.


This is how I would feel in this situation. In my experience, these kinds of changes, if you don't know what spurred them on, are fairly temporary. 6 months from now it will be the same ole same ole.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

Longtime married said:


> My gosh unless you have some reason to suspect she has had or is having an affair, I'd keep my mouth closed and enjoy it. You were mad when she didn't and now you're made because she is, what the heck do you want. You're coming off as someone who can never be happy either way. Take a look on here and see how many people male/female wishes their spouse would come alive like yours has.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lots of interesting comments on this thread.

Anyway, nah, no reason to suspect infidelity. There was a while ago I thought it was possible, but I never found anything and I would've known given the info I had at hand. Truth told, she probably has more reason to suspect me of infidelity than I do of her, but even I haven't stooped that low.

Maybe angry and mad weren't the best terms to use; mostly I'm just confused. And given where things were with the sexless marriage and with my (very slightly) decreasing libido, I had accepted it and was perfectly fine with the situation. After years of rejection, it's natural to be confused about this, and most here would probably react the same way (and I'm not even really reacting negatively toward her at all). If history is any indicator, she'll probably go back to her old ways at some point, and even that is okay for me, but it would also add to the confusion.

This will come across the wrong way here, I'm sure, but I've also lost a lot of leverage on her because of this. I mean, I could use the sexless thing against her before (and justifiably so), but I obviously can't hold that against her anymore, which means that I also have to take more responsibility and be more attentive. I haven't had to do that in the past.

Anyway, I don't need to justify our relationship to anyone here. A lot of people live this fantasy that their marriage is blissful and perfect, only to have problems with infidelity, finances, family issues, etc. It happens frequently on this forum. The wife and I have never fallen into that trap and we've acknowledged and accepted that our relationship isn't perfect, but it works pretty well for us.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> but I obviously can't hold that against her anymore, which means that I also have to take more responsibility and be more attentive.


lol ya that's a problem isn't it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MicroStorm said:


> This will come across the wrong way here, I'm sure, but I've also lost a lot of leverage on her because of this. I mean, I could use the sexless thing against her before (and justifiably so), but I obviously can't hold that against her anymore, which means that I also have to take more responsibility and be more attentive. *I haven't had to do that in the past*.
> 
> .


Well no, you never *have* to be attentive. And you don't really have to be emotionally available, or empathetic, or understanding, or supportive. 

A wife isn't a fish, once caught stays caught. Being inattentive didn't make her fall in love with you but it sure as hell will make her fall OUT of love with you. As we age our needs change. They change because we grow as a person. What she needed back when you were dating isn't the same as what she needs now, and it won't be the same as what she needs 20 years from now.

If she continually puts the effort into the relationship and only then gets your response, she may decide you are too much work and she would like to have a husband who will be loving and attentive even if she goes through down periods...and we all do.

Good luck with that partner!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> Long time lurker, first time poster. Anyway, some context... been with wife for over 8 years, married for the last 4. We're in our mid-30s and have no kids. Our relationship has been pretty good--not great, but certainly not bad. I guess if you could rate it on a 1-10 scale, it would be a 7. Financially we do very, very well and we avoid pretty much all of the fights a lot of our peers get into due to monetary disagreements, and so forth. That said, nearly all of our problems over the years--including the 4 years before marriage--were due to (a) my lack of emotion and introversion and (b) our pretty much non-existent / unfulfilling sex life (entirely her fault).
> 
> After years of sexual rejection, I pretty much stopped caring. My libido slowed down a smidgen about a year ago, and while I still craved sexual attention, I pretty much knew she wouldn't please me, so I stopped trying as much. We'd have sex 1-2 times a month (usually unfulfilling for me, but that's okay), and I was fine with that. I found other interests that channeled my time and I got tired of fighting about it. We had an in-depth discussion on sex about 8 months ago, which was very hard for me due to my lack of emotion and introversion, but she was receptive (albeit defensive), and said things would get better. "Better" lasted for about 2 weeks, and the old ways came back, as I expected. I wasn't surprised, and I wasn't even really disappointed. The holidays came, we both got flu viruses that kept us out of the pocket for a while, and something changed in her...
> 
> ...




Did you read my mind? You guys are my wife and I, almost exact situation, scary.........


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

MicroStorm said:


> This will come across the wrong way here, I'm sure, but I've also lost a lot of leverage on her because of this. I mean, I could use the sexless thing against her before (and justifiably so), but I obviously can't hold that against her anymore, which means that I also have to take more responsibility and be more attentive. I haven't had to do that in the past.
> 
> .


Curious, which do you prefer? Not having to do anything and being able to justify it, or *gasp* making an effort and getting more of what you want?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You fell in love and got married. You initially had sex and the emotional closeness was there. Then her LD issues started and went on for many years and you naturally lost sexual interest in her. That part is her fault. 7.5 years of that?? Her fault. No guy can go with little to no sex for 7.5+ years and be happy and emotionally close, not happening because she killed the sex. You're resentful for the 7.5 years missed? Rightly so!!! She has some serious making up to do now and take responsibility for her low sex drive and the crap she put you through for 7.5 years........This isn't your fault and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Uhm... so what's the issue now?

You had a complaint about sexlessness. She's now plenty sexual.

Problem solved.

Its totally on you to give her the support she needs now - you can't use lack of sex as an excuse. She can't go back and fix what happened in the past.

Everything is now on you. If what happened in the past is too much for you to get over, you shouldn't be with her anymore. If you're staying, you can't blame her for anything. Time to get on your game. If you treat this like she has making up to do for the bad years, you're gonna find yourself right back in the sexless pit. She can't change the past. She's there for you now. If you can't let it go, if its damaged your perception of her too much, then you should go. Nothing she does will change how you feel about the past - only you can get over it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sometimes on the way to a hike ill spot a small patch of blue sky in a sea of clouds. I call them "sucker holes". 

How can you open yourself emotionally and trust her at this point? You must know its temporary. What youre seeing is a small patch of blue sky. If you fall for it, youre a sucker. For whatever reason she felt you slipping through her fingers and stepped up her game. The moment she feels secure again she'll cut it off.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> You fell in love and got married. You initially had sex and the emotional closeness was there. Then her LD issues started and went on for many years and you naturally lost sexual interest in her. That part is her fault. 7.5 years of that?? Her fault. No guy can go with little to no sex for 7.5+ years and be happy and emotionally close, not happening because she killed the sex. You're resentful for the 7.5 years missed? Rightly so!!! She has some serious making up to do now and take responsibility for her low sex drive and the crap she put you through for 7.5 years........This isn't your fault and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.


Yea, pretty much. it wasn't no sex for 7.5 years, but she was disengaged most of the time and it just wasn't an enjoyable experience for me. I got older and focused on other things and got tired of being disappointed, so I stopped pursuing sex with her altogether--not out of spite; I really did just stop caring about it.

Some could ask why I stayed with her so long, or why we got married even after the relationship was clearly having problems in the sexual department before marriage. As I mentioned, there were a lot of other factors in play her and a lot of intangible things that I'll address at some other point. I enjoy a very good life with her; she's been a great provider and there are a lot of other things that are great with us.

I know I can be difficult and there are things I've done that I'm not proud of that she's let slip by or has forgiven. I've put up with a lot from her too, including bouts of depression and narcissism--both of which are difficult to deal with and don't exactly make it easy to discuss things with her (which as I've noted, isn't exactly easy for me to begin with).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sometimes on the way to a hike ill spot a small patch of blue sky in a sea of clouds. I call them "sucker holes".
> 
> How can you open yourself emotionally and trust her at this point? You must know its temporary. What youre seeing is a small patch of blue sky. If you fall for it, youre a sucker. For whatever reason she felt you slipping through her fingers and stepped up her game. The moment she feels secure again she'll cut it off.


Is your marriage really so filled with mind games and keeping score? That is so sad.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> Yea, pretty much. it wasn't no sex for 7.5 years, but she was disengaged most of the time and it just wasn't an enjoyable experience for me. I got older and focused on other things and got tired of being disappointed, so I stopped pursuing sex with her altogether--not out of spite; I really did just stop caring about it.
> 
> Some could ask why I stayed with her so long, or why we got married even after the relationship was clearly having problems in the sexual department before marriage. As I mentioned, there were a lot of other factors in play her and a lot of intangible things that I'll address at some other point. I enjoy a very good life with her; she's been a great provider and there are a lot of other things that are great with us.
> 
> I know I can be difficult and there are things I've done that I'm not proud of that she's let slip by or has forgiven. I've put up with a lot from her too, including bouts of depression and narcissism--both of which are difficult to deal with and don't exactly make it easy to discuss things with her (which as I've noted, isn't exactly easy for me to begin with).



You stayed with her because deep down you still love her as do I for my wife. Good man. Most would cheat and divorce.

If the sex is there now, finally, take full advantage of it. Who knows how long it will last before she goes back to her old LD ways? Some weeks or months from now......?

When my wife and I first had sex, it was painful for her. So all I did was be inside her, not move and wait for a few minutes and pull out. That was sex. This went on for quite the while but I sucked it up and now it doesn't hurt when we actually have sex. I'm not huge by the way, just average. She is sensitive.

My wife is also a good provider and we get along fine but like you, the sex wasn't there.

Enjoy it while it lasts. :smthumbup:


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> _Lots of interesting comments on this thread._
> 
> Anyway, nah, no reason to suspect infidelity. There was a while ago I thought it was possible, but I never found anything and I would've known given the info I had at hand. Truth told, she probably has more reason to suspect me of infidelity than I do of her, but even I haven't stooped that low.
> 
> ...


Passive-agressive is a bad thing. You need to work on it, don't 'rugsweep yourself'.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have been with her for 8 years and married for 4 of those. Your first post says that there has been very little sex for 7.5 of those 8 years.

You knew that she was not very sexual and not going to meet your sexual needs. But you married her anyway. So I don't get your being upset with her all this time for her not wanting a lot of sex.

Between her experiencing pain from sex in the past and what seems like her past LD, why would you marry her and expect her to be something that she was not. She did not misrepresent herself to you.

And now that she has apparently shifted to HD you are upset about it.

I think that her LD gave you some passive agressive power in the relationship. And now she's taken that away from you.... not intentinally but just because something has changed in her body.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

You may resent her newfound libido because of all the years you went without...but, be a "man" (not a dig on you...let me explain). 

Maybe it's just hormones. Maybe she's hitting her "peak". Maybe you did an "accidental 180", and it's working. Whatever it is, at this time, she's finding you attractive. Let go of the resentment, and go with it. That is, if you want it to continue! You've obviously attracted her in some manner. I don't care how "horny" she is, or what her libido is doing, if she wasn't attracted to you at this point in time, this would NOT be happening...at least not with you.

So...assume you've done something good. And run with it. Be a "man" and let the resentment slide off your back now. That is attractive to a woman. Holding on to resentment after she has changed is not attractive, and you'll kill her libido just as it is getting kick started.

What I'm NOT saying is to be a thankful, happy puppy dog over this. Don't suddenly treat her like a queen and worship the ground she walks on. DO treat her better and well. Back off the "accidental 180" a bit, and start "coming back" to her. But don't overdo it! Show her you appreciate the person she has become in this respect, but don't kiss her azz because of it. Why? Because this is the way YOU EXPECT IT SHOULD BE. It is right and normal. 

Hopefully this newfound revitalization of your sex life means you're "giving it to her good", you guys are feeling the strong connection that only good sex between loving people can bring, and you are both treating each other better OUTSIDE the bedroom as well!

Let go of the resentment, or it will sink you. BUT, as she is now doing as YOU expect a loving wife should do, you must treat her as a loving wife. If she stops, you start pulling back again.

And finally, yes, an affair could trigger this...though this does not exactly sound like that. But do keep your eyes open and your head out of the sand. Be a little alert for other "red flags", because yes, this is one. But it's just one. If there are no other "red flags", just go with it and enjoy! Let go of the resentment, and now that she has made changes and is being a better wife to you, "reward" her for that by showing her how a satisfied husband treats a deserving wife. Again...that doesn't mean "kiss her azz". It does mean up the affection. Let yourself be a little vulnerable again. But just a little. She should notice.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Longtime married said:


> My gosh unless you have some reason to suspect she has had or is having an affair, I'd keep my mouth closed and enjoy it. *You were mad when she didn't and now you're made because she is, what the heck do you want.* You're coming off as someone who can never be happy either way. Take a look on here and see how many people male/female wishes their spouse would come alive like yours has.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He probably wants a little bit of control. He's probably angry now because he thinks he should withhold so she knows how it feels (that's the resentment) but withholding directly conflicts with the fact he likes sex more often too.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Longtime married said:


> *You were mad when she didn't and now you're made because she is, what the heck do you want.* _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, I don't think this is all that uncommon. The OP likely thinks that when sex was important to him, she was unconcerned about it in the relationship. Now that she wants it, it becomes the focus. So he is upset over what he views as a level of selfishness from his wife.

To the OP, one way to move through that resentment might be to see if there are other behaviors that contradict this. That is, is she giving to you in other areas? If so, that may help you to understand that it is not a purposeful action, but one that she is working through.

I also agree with the advice to try to accept it and use it to build a better relationship. That will include you be more open and available to her. In a sense, rewarding her behavior with your own good behavior, to create a positive feedback loop.

Your biggest challenge in the short term will be to not have an extreme negative reaction the first few times that she does reject you. Because lets face it, even with her increased libido, there will be days she is not feeling it. Giving her the benefit of the doubt in the short term will allow her the chance to show you this is real. It is not easy (I have been there, though not at your level) but I you can do it and this is a real change, it is very well worth it.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Here is what I would do, and it is based on similar experience:

It sounds like your wife is going through a mid-life hormonal shift like many women do. Although I think given her age, it's a bit early, let's assume that hormones are the reason, and not an affair or some other circumstance.

You should go with it, and meet or exceed her current sexual needs as best you can. Enjoy it! This will help you bond with her, she with you, and it should make your relationship better. Once you are getting your sexual needs met, your resentment should subside, and that will also help the relationship.

My wife and I had a rocky marriage a few years ago, our sexual issues (LD/HD, poor intimate communication skills, sexually repressed upbringings for both of us, some abuse on her side when she was young, etc.) were tearing us apart. We went through marriage counseling and sex therapy, and things got a lot better.

Then she had a major hormonal shift about 6 months into our MC/ST, and she was insatiable. She wanted it every day, sometimes several times a day, and was into a lot of things she would have never even considered in the past (bondage, roleplaying, toys, dirty talk, 69, sexting, etc.). She even had to take extra panties to work because she was so wet all the time.

She also discovered her capacity to be multi-orgasmic during this time, and she now looks forward to sex (and masturbation, which she discovered while in her hormone rage) because of the physical and emotional pleasure she realized she gets from it

That lasted about 6 months or so, and I milked it for all it was worth. When her hormones settled back down, she was still a much more sexual person than she had been before, and she began to understand what it felt like to be a man and have testosterone ruling your life.

Our marriage is much better for that experience, although it's difficult to separate the benefit of her testosterone surge from the MC/ST. She began to undestand my physical and emotional need for sex, and that it was important to me that she be enthsiastic about it, and that she enjoyed herself. We are both about 50 years old.

So you should enjoy your wife's newfound libido, put your resentment aside, and use the experience to make your marriage better.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sometimes on the way to a hike ill spot a small patch of blue sky in a sea of clouds. I call them "sucker holes".
> 
> How can you open yourself emotionally and trust her at this point? You must know its temporary. What youre seeing is a small patch of blue sky. If you fall for it, youre a sucker. For whatever reason she felt you slipping through her fingers and stepped up her game. The moment she feels secure again she'll cut it off.


So why not play it to his advantage?

Get sexual. Have fun. Then while you're cuddling some day say "You know something? I feel that our sexual life had brought us closer than we have been in a long time. I'm never going back the way it was."

But what you have to remember is that IF it goes back to the way it was, you have to have the stones to walk. Don't make idle threats.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You have been with her for 8 years and married for 4 of those. Your first post says that there has been very little sex for 7.5 of those 8 years.
> 
> You knew that she was not very sexual and not going to meet your sexual needs. But you married her anyway. So I don't get your being upset with her all this time for her not wanting a lot of sex.
> 
> ...


Yes, I was well aware of her low-drive behavior when we met, and it's easy to say as an outsider or in retrospect "well, you should have left, or you knew this is the way it was, so quit complaining...", but life is never that simple when you're in the middle of it. She always promised it would change or that she would at least be more engaged, but in spite of glimmers of light here and there, there never was any long-term, sustainable sexual activity between us. I almost left her a few times because of this, but you take the bad with the good and in spite of the lack of sex, things were very good otherwise. Also, I was in a very vulnerable state when I met her, and initially my intention was to not stay with her for long term. There were a lot of other redeeming qualities about her--namely that she was low maintenance, independent, financially savvy, non-needy, left me to my thing, and treated me very well with little effort required on my end, and it was a nice change of pace from some of the other women I dated before her.

We met in a smaller town and frankly the options for single men and women were pretty sparse, so I think in a lot of ways this kept us together in the beginning. I spent the first 3 years of our relationship traveling quite a bit for work and she was busy with medical training, and she was understanding and was there for me when I'd come back on weekends and so forth, and it was nice to have that routine and support system. She also makes a lot more money than I do and I've gotten used to a certain quality of life that few other women can provide; I won't lie to say if that didn't have at least some influence (even if minimal) on staying with her.

After the wedding, things got better for a bit and we were in the honeymoon phase, but there were still obvious problems in the bedroom, and we spiraled downward again. Things hit a bottom about 18 months ago and we began talking divorce, but since then we've gotten a lot better and a lot closer, and I can say that in the last year, we've been romantically the closest and most intimate that we've ever been.

The sex has been amazing the last several months, and as I've gotten older, I would say that my drive has decreased slightly from pretty high to medium/med-high now, and hers has gone from low-drive burden to full-fledged rockstar. There have even been a few times recently where I haven't really felt like doing it, either because I'm tired or stressed at work or just not into it that night. In the years we've been together that has never happened to me. It's a welcome change, but for obvious reasons, I'm still confused about the whole matter.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

MicroStorm said:


> As for me, yes, I'm emotionally distant. I internalize things and keep to myself for the most part. I've always been this way, and most people close to me accept me for who and what I am. Does this help the circumstances in my relationship? Obviously not. *Am I the primary reason why my marriage was sexless? I say not a chance. *


I have to disagree with you. It's certainly the fault of both of you. :nono:

I have not read all the responses here, mostly just your posts about how you're so emotionally distant and therefore, emotionally unavailable. Just to let you in on a little secret that only SOME men know, sex for us women starts in our minds, not between our legs.  YES that means you need to be emotionally available and in-tune with yourself. You've neglected your wife on an emotional level and therefore, she's neglected you sexually.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry I missed it. What type of penance do you recommend?


Just a few light lashings, dear! :whip:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MicroStorm said:


> Yes, I was well aware of her low-drive behavior when we met, and it's easy to say as an outsider or in retrospect "well, you should have left, or you knew this is the way it was, so quit complaining...", but life is never that simple when you're in the middle of it. ....


Yes it's not as simple when you are in the mist of it.

But that said, you still need to take responsibility for the fact that you knew what she was like after you were with her for a few years before you married her.

I'm not picking on you. I hold my self responsible for similar things that I have done in my relationships. It would serve you very well to look back and realize how you deluded yourself to believe her words and not her actions. You knew what she was like and you accepted that every day that you stayed with her and even more so when you married her. It's just wrong to then hold against her something that you knew about her and accepted. Coming to a point where you can accept this is important as it will help you get over a lot of the negative feelings that you have. It will also lead to you no longer blaming her for being who she is. She did not lie to you about who she is. She has the right to be who she is. And you have no right to hold this against her. 

Now that for some reason her libido has increased you are again upset at her for that. It seems you just have a need to be upset with her. I'm not sure what word to descibe how you feel, anger, frustration, whatever.. but you seem to have a need to maintain that in your relationship. When we hold on to a negative emotion like this and base it on different things about our spouse... it's not because of the spouse. It's because you (proverbial you) need that negative emotion to function in your relationship.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sometimes on the way to a hike ill spot a small patch of blue sky in a sea of clouds. I call them "sucker holes".
> 
> How can you open yourself emotionally and trust her at this point? You must know its temporary. What youre seeing is a small patch of blue sky. If you fall for it, youre a sucker. For whatever reason she felt you slipping through her fingers and stepped up her game. The moment she feels secure again she'll cut it off.


Wow, really? :scratchhead:


OR....and bear with me here, they could BOTH step up to the plate and have an amazing life together full of love, sex, perfect finances, etc. Who says he's a sucker? This is his WIFE! Maybe, just maybe, if he's attentive to her, you know that emotional side SOME men have, she may open up a whole new world to him.............and vice versa. Never know until you try. And if you try, and don't succeed to your liking, then you know you at least tried, gave it your all, and can now walk away.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

MicroStorm said:


> *She also makes a lot more money than I do and I've gotten used to a certain quality of life *that few other women can provide; I won't lie to say if that didn't have at least some influence (even if minimal) on staying with her.
> 
> .


And there it is. The real reason you're staying with her. Nothing but a sugar Momma, what with the lifestyle she can provide you. OMG!  At least you can admit it, but if your wife was reading this, how would she feel? Yep, that great rock star sex would be dried up and GONE! So would her money! 

I need to get the f outta here before I end my non-ban streak!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I will add, before the door hits me on my way out, that you obviously have no respect for her, and do not love your wife. 

Yeah, we all know why you're still with her. In case you forgot, see my previous post! ^^^


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

southern wife said:


> And there it is. The real reason you're staying with her. Nothing but a sugar Momma, what with the lifestyle she can provide you. OMG!  At least you can admit it, but if your wife was reading this, how would she feel? Yep, that great rock star sex would be dried up and GONE! So would her money!
> 
> I need to get the f outta here before I end my non-ban streak!


That's not true at all. I work full-time and make a very good salary--much higher than the average household income, and if needed I could make more, but I'm comfortable where I am right now and don't need the added stress or added money. My wife's salary is just a lot, lot better and it takes a lot of the everyday stresses out of the marriage, for which I'm grateful. There was never a question as to who would be the so-called "breadwinner" of the family. That said, we're in a high tax bracket, but we live modest lives and we are very financially compatible.

When seeking a mate for the longer-term you put all factors in the calculator and come up with some form of internal calculus and reasoning as to why this person is right for you. Of course income and financial stability are factors in settling down; no reasonable person would state otherwise. Go look at the "Financial" section of this forum to see plenty of people who were/are in love but are not on the same page financially--it is THE most common problem in marriages, and is a problem I am glad we do not face. My sister is on the verge of a divorce right now because her husband--a great guy--cannot manage finances and they are in a financial abyss that they cannot get out of.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

MicroStorm said:


> That's not true at all. I work full-time and make a very good salary--much higher than the average household income, and if needed I could make more, but I'm comfortable where I am right now and don't need the added stress or added money. My wife's salary is just a lot, lot better and it takes a lot of the everyday stresses out of the marriage, for which I'm grateful. There was never a question as to who would be the so-called "breadwinner" of the family. That said, we're in a high tax bracket, but we live modest lives and we are very financially compatible.
> 
> When seeking a mate for the longer-term you put all factors in the calculator and come up with some form of internal calculus and reasoning as to why this person is right for you. Of course income and financial stability are factors in settling down; no reasonable person would state otherwise. Go look at the "Financial" section of this forum to see plenty of people who were/are in love but are not on the same page financially--it is THE most common problem in marriages, and is a problem I am glad we do not face. *My sister is on the verge of a divorce right now because her husband--a great guy--cannot manage finances and they are in a financial abyss that they cannot get out of*.


So she didn't marry "for richer or for poorer"......


I get that finances, if poorly managed, add/cause stress in a marriage. But what happened to "for richer or poorer"? 

I,(name)take (name), as my wedded partner, to have and to hold from this day forward,for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health,to love and to cherish, till death do us part.


:scratchhead:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Micro,
if it's just that her libido changed then I'd be angry too because as fast as it changed, it can change back and uncertainty sucks.

But maybe you're the one who changed and now she finds you more attractive. If that's the case then be pissed at yourself and not her. You are and were the one who set your own worth. You disconnected and now she's chasing. Had you taken the risk years back maybe things would have been different.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Perhaps she's thinking about her biological clock and now wants to have kids.


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## MicroStorm (Aug 10, 2012)

aug said:


> Perhaps she's thinking about her biological clock and now wants to have kids.


Interesting you bring that up. We are trying to have offspring, but we've only been trying the last month or two. I'm willing to bet this has had some effect on her behavior in the sense that there are emotions of childbearing, bonding with me to create said child, as well as the physiological and hormonal changes of being off birth control.

I've certainly wondered how much of an effect the child thing has had on all of her excessive sexuality as of late, but in fairness to her and the situation in general, she's been on this positive trajectory several months before we even talked about having kids. Take it in stride, I suppose...


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I agree, if all is clear of red flags, I say hit it hard and often
You've had a stalemate of her LD vs. your resentment(and likely low emotion/passion as a result) for many years. If she's finally coming around don't waste it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

southern wife said:


> So she didn't marry "for richer or for poorer"......
> 
> 
> I get that finances, if poorly managed, add/cause stress in a marriage. But what happened to "for richer or poorer"?
> ...


:scratchhead: I second that.. but maybe marriage vows were made in simpler times, long ago, where everybody is married according to their clan/station in life (for example: farmers marry another farmers, guildsmen marry guildswomen, sons of shaikhs marry daughters of another shaikhs)..


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> Interesting you bring that up. We are trying to have offspring, but we've only been trying the last month or two. I'm willing to bet this has had some effect on her behavior in the sense that there are emotions of childbearing, bonding with me to create said child, as well as the physiological and hormonal changes of being off birth control.
> 
> I've certainly wondered how much of an effect the child thing has had on all of her excessive sexuality as of late, but in fairness to her and the situation in general, she's been on this positive trajectory several months before we even talked about having kids. Take it in stride, I suppose...


I think it is about criminal you try to get pregnant while being in such a turmoil now. Stop this and fix your relation first. This is a no-brainer, but apparently not for you??


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MicroStorm said:


> Interesting you bring that up. We are trying to have offspring, but we've only been trying the last month or two. I'm willing to bet this has had some effect on her behavior in the sense that there are emotions of childbearing, bonding with me to create said child, as well as the physiological and hormonal changes of being off birth control.
> 
> I've certainly wondered how much of an effect the child thing has had on all of her excessive sexuality as of late, but in fairness to her and the situation in general, she's been on this positive trajectory several months before we even talked about having kids. Take it in stride, I suppose...


BEING OFF BIRTH CONTROL you just hit the nail on the head.... 
Hormones are totally different on and off of it.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> BEING OFF BIRTH CONTROL you just hit the nail on the head....
> Hormones are totally different on and off of it.


Good point that. Here is a book on this: Do Gentlemen Really Prefer Blondes?: Bodies, Behavior, and Brains--The Science Behind Sex, Love, and Attraction by Jene Pincott 

It could also be that the birth control pills had something to do with the painful intercourse.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

About fissures from intercourse, I had this problem with my wife and we found that if we used a vibrator or really got turned on manually that her vagina got bigger and of course there is the lubrication. I would then enter her after she “got ready”. You can also try slowly stretching her vagina by working up to three fingers in there. You might do the above if there is still a problem with fissures while trying for a baby. For increased chances, if she has an orgasm after you do, that will pull the semen up into her uterus increasing the chances of pregnancy. Also, her mucus will get more watery and if you take some of it between thumb and finger and then open up a space as far as you can go, it will be sticky and stretch the whole distance at peak fertility.


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