# Advice For Newlyweds?



## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

Morning Guys and Gals;
There's some incredible advise and wisdom floating around the forum, and I was wondering to get some imput on this.

What are some of things you wish you knew / you wish you could tell every newlywed to aid them in their journey to a successful, fullfilling relationship/marriage??

Interested to hear the responses 

Thanks in advance,

-Mittens from Cold Canadia.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I would say congratulations and welcome to a new way of life. 

Go into your marriage as a whole person, not half a person waiting for completion. 

Give 100%. Giving 50% and expecting the other person to give 50% is just two people giving it their half, not their all. 

Your spouse comes first. Before family, before children, before all others - always.

Also, I would say focus on the love first, and remember it in some way every day. Problems will come up, but keep the love first and the problems will stay manageable.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Everything that happy her said and i would add.

GET as close and as inside as you possibly can!!!!
Ask lots of questions. Teach each other its ok to share your thoughts, fears fantasies ....everything.
Commmunication and trust are the foundation. I like to say that usually when issues arise in a marriage its more because of whats not said. People start keeping things inside for various reasons. (afraid of hurting the other, fear of judgement, whatever).That lack of openess breeds separation.

So thats why i say what i say.. practice now.. saying that you think in a loving way... never in anger.

This is a long subject.. as long as life. It will change and grow over time.. if you stay close and communicate you have a good chance of growing together as opposed to apart.

Never be afraid of and always appreciate the truth... both giving it and receiving it.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Here's one I got from a guy at church some years ago:


People don't always remember what you say, but they remember for years how you make them feel.

Every time you make someone feel better about themselves, in their eyes, _you_ seem a little better. Every time you make someone feel worse about themselves, in their eyes, _you_ seem a little worse.​
So my advice to newlyweds would be that you should do your best to always make your spouse feel as good about themselves as possible, which will help them feel as good about you as possible.


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## publicme (Mar 4, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Your spouse comes first. Before family, before children, before all others - always.


This is a wonderful statement but do you really mean always? 

I recently had to talk with a sibling about the deteriorating health of a parent... He came to my place to talk and I later went to his place to talk, and each time his spouse didn't take steps to keep the kids under control (away from us) for a short while so we could talk. First time, she nagged that they had to leave because of the kids. Second time, she didn't take steps to put the kids to bed, by herself, let them pester us past bed time. It was like she insisted he only take the absolute minimum time with me and not "neglect" his spousal duties. 

I like your rule but can it be so absolute? Aren't there times when a person has to put family ahead of spousal requirements?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

No. 

She should have put her spouse first by honoring his need to have privacy from the children when he was trying to carry on a conversation with you. 

He should have put her first by saying "Honey, can you please keep the children in the other room (Put them to bed, whatever.....) so I can take care of this important matter? I will help make it up to you later" 

Help making it up could be anything from taking over the duties another time so she could do something or giving her a nice massage.... 

Marriage always comes first. That doesn't mean that you neglect other obligations, it means you meet those obligations as a team. Studies have proven that is the most effective way to raise emotionally healthy children, and of course, it keeps the marriage much stronger, and attains other benefits as well.

It doesn't sound as if there was much team work going on between the two of them in the circumstance you described.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Take good care of each other, love each other with all of your hearts, talk about anything and everything-how you feel, what you did, your hopes and dreams, etc. And don't forget respect.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

HappyHer is hitting the nail on the head here. When each spouse puts the others needs before their own, its win win.


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## publicme (Mar 4, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> It doesn't sound as if there was much team work going on between the two of them in the circumstance you described.


They seem totally focused on teamwork, obsessed with the team part so they don't notice the other, less important teams in their lives. Their team seems very selfish, impervious to outside influences, exactly like a selfish individual!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

publicme said:


> I like your rule but can it be so absolute? Aren't there times when a person has to put family ahead of spousal requirements?


There's a difference between _important_ and _urgent_. Sometimes, the most important things are less urgent than other things.

My wife comes first, but if she's talking to me on the phone and I see my car rolling backwards down the driveway into the street, I'm dropping the phone and running after the car. It's not that my car is more important than my wife, but at that moment it becomes a real emergency.

Some months ago, my wife had to drive to another state and stay with a relative who'd been injured in a fall. I understand that while I'm important to her, so are other people, and that one urgently needed a lot of help.

Coming in at #1 on the list of "important" doesn't mean that there won't be other things that elbow you aside on the list of "urgent".

Besides, in the story you told, it sounds like the wife wasn't putting her husband first and taking care of matters while he had to do something else.


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

Wow!
Some fantastic stuff on here so far!
Keep it coming


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