# What if and kids...



## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

So today my 8 yr old son - very sensitive - said somethings that surprised me. First we were at a store and I was looking for someone to help us so I could price something and he mentioned me meeting a man here. 
"Mom, what if you met a man here?"
"Huh?"
"What if you meet a man, bump into him?"
"What? We are looking for a man to buy the ____."
"You know so you can get married again"
"____, You know I love your daddy and want to stay with him."
"I know, but you could meet someone here."
We talked about step parents and what he and younger siblings wanted in a step dad... they were so funny and so freakin' smart!

Later I asked him what he was talking about and he had put several separate conversations together and came up with 
"We are doing fine without Dad."
I had him repeat it and asked if he had told his dad that. He hadn't he said, "no, it was just between us (other siblings and me)."

I was floored that he understood all of this and was so caring toward me and his daddy.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

They see more than we think they do at that age (mine's 9). I wonder if they see some things they don't like when they're with their dads, then they look at how we moms are without their dads, and they come to the conclusion that we should be with someone -- just not Dad.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> They see more than we think they do at that age (mine's 9). I wonder if they see some things they don't like when they're with their dads, then they look at how we moms are without their dads, and they come to the conclusion that we should be with someone -- just not Dad.


Mine all know if I had my choice their dad and I would work things out. Now, I am sure some parenting authors/counselors would say that that's bad parenting, but it's honest so I don't care. 

I asked them more in the conversation if they have to like someone for mommy to go out with them... the two older little people said no, but then they gave me a list of what they would like in a step dad!
I was relaying the convo back to one of my adult kids and they said they had to like him or no more than one date would be allowed. lol I told her it may take more than one date for me to decide if I like him! She said fine, but not that long before they get to judge. My oldest of course says that she gets to meet him first... and then she decides if he passes to meet the rest. 

Lol I think I will be single the rest of my life once my H divorces me!


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Mine all know if I had my choice their dad and I would work things out. Now, I am sure some parenting authors/counselors would say that that's bad parenting, but it's honest so I don't care.
> 
> I asked them more in the conversation if they have to like someone for mommy to go out with them... the two older little people said no, but then they gave me a list of what they would like in a step dad!
> I was relaying the convo back to one of my adult kids and they said they had to like him or no more than one date would be allowed. lol I told her it may take more than one date for me to decide if I like him! She said fine, but not that long before they get to judge. My oldest of course says that she gets to meet him first... and then she decides if he passes to meet the rest.
> ...


Mine pick up on us as well. My 4 year old was continually telling us to hold hands the other day waiting in line. We would do so for a minute, let go, and she would notice and repeat to hold hands.

I'll need to read up some more on how to respond/react during to my children over time. They have seen me upset several times (not uncontrollably).

I plan on being single the rest of my life too. I just have to start processing that mindset.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I have too much love still to give to be single the rest of my life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jay, I didn't mean that I was planning on being single, my kids were just being very specific on what they wanted for me. My two oldest girls want to meet the men I dated after the first date! Two of my little ones want a man w/ certain criteria (outdoorsy, take them to things like the rodeo, fishing etc). Heck one of them wanted me to meet a man tonight at Home Depot! "You can meet a man here" and again a little later... "What if you bump into a man here? lol 
I just meant my kids will scare all men away or have too many sets of requirements etc for a man and I am not sure I can find one to please everyone (it's kind of humorous). I am in my 40s and love to be affectionate there's no way (and a big fear) that I want to go through the next 40 yrs w/o a significant love. I just thought I knew who it was going to be.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Jay, I didn't mean that I was planning on being single, my kids were just being very specific on what they wanted for me. My two oldest girls want to meet the men I dated after the first date! Two of my little ones want a man w/ certain criteria (outdoorsy, take them to things like the rodeo, fishing etc). Heck one of them wanted me to meet a man tonight at Home Depot! "You can meet a man here" and again a little later... "What if you bump into a man here? lol
> I just meant my kids will scare all men away or have too many sets of requirements etc for a man and I am not sure I can find one to please everyone (it's kind of humorous). I am in my 40s and love to be affectionate there's no way (and a big fear) that I want to go through the next 40 yrs w/o a significant love. I just thought I knew who it was going to be.



Oh. Now I get it.

My thoughts right this minute are:

I dread the mixed family situation. I'm almost 40 and to think that in the future, my most likely options will have already had children, and I'll be the stepdad, much like, my wife will find somebody with children, and mix families, scares the absolute crap out of me.

Too far out for me to accept. But, I realize that possibility is more than likely.

OR--my wife and I will reunite and become stronger, together, for the rest of our lives. Who really knows? And, we will cross that bridge if/when it happens.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mama, your kids are too funny.

My 4 year old said to me last night (while I was in the bathroom, no privacy here), "mommy, (laughing) when I'm with daddy I miss you, and when I'm with you I miss daddy", I laughed and said "oh my goodness, that's funny". I tried to make it light hearted ya know?

The last couple of days they've been very "normal", getting along with each other, laughing etc. Will it last??? I guess they're part of the rollarcoaster ride we're all on right now.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> Later I asked him what he was talking about and he had put several separate conversations together and came up with
> *"We are doing fine without Dad."*
> I had him repeat it and asked if he had told his dad that. He hadn't he said, "no, it was just between us (other siblings and me)."


This part made me happy again today.
The fact that he thinks we are doing fine... We are, but the fact they don't seem to really miss him much. I do have a full house w/ some of my adult children still living here which might help. But the fact they don't verbally miss him, ask for him, want to call him etc just is amazing to me. He really didn't 'engage' w/ them when he is w/ them much toward the end of him living here. 

I am just thrilled that they aren't pining for him and that 'we are doing fine'


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> Mama, your kids are too funny.
> 
> My 4 year old said to me last night (while I was in the bathroom, no privacy here), "mommy, (laughing) when I'm with daddy I miss you, and when I'm with you I miss daddy", I laughed and said "oh my goodness, that's funny". I tried to make it light hearted ya know?
> 
> The last couple of days they've been very "normal", getting along with each other, laughing etc. Will it last??? I guess they're part of the rollarcoaster ride we're all on right now.


No privacy here either! lol 
Heck I have 3 little people sleeping w/ me. This will have to be something I stop sometime, but right now I think it makes us all feel closer/secure and I get more sleep.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> Oh. Now I get it.
> 
> My thoughts right this minute are:
> 
> ...


Blended families are hard but very doable, but it adds a lot to the dynamics of a new relationship but one that has to be considered esp if you have the kids 50% or more. I worry that the men will have raised their kids and not want the little kids in their life or the kids will not get along and the relationship could be doomed either way. I guess I am a planner by profession/nature so I have thought about this a lot. Their father is showing absolutely no sign of wanting to R so my mind goes to the "what ifs" more and more.

My older kids add different dynamics like my older girls want to meet and 'approve' of the guy before we get serious.

Jay, I sure hope my H comes around like you did w/ your wife. I hope that your wife will have an epiphany and see that you truly want to be w/ her and that you want to build this new relationship w/ her. Either way it will be hard. The more people involved the more complicated the dynamics are.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> No privacy here either! lol
> Heck I have 3 little people sleeping w/ me. This will have to be something I stop sometime, but right now I think it makes us all feel closer/secure and I get more sleep.



My little one (4) had just reverted back to sleeping with us due to nightmares right before my stbxh left. He's still there and to be honest I don't mind....it comforts me as much as him I think. But he did inform me when I asked him when he thought he might like to try sleeping in his own room again....that he he would think about it when he was 7. lol


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