# I'm losing my marriage and don't understand why



## Anonymouslady88 (Jan 6, 2019)

I've been married for five years with my wife. Things were going good but she has always had trust issues and it's been big problems. Now we're separated and all I'm being told is that I haven't been a supportive wife, motivating wife, loving but I feel like I was all those things. It did stop because we both shut down. I haven't been able to grasp the things she said I am and haven't been able to understand why she feels like I'm not trying when I do. I've been told I get very defensive when told I'm wrong. But what about when a person points out your wrongs everyday. She feels like she's been asking me to give her life because she has fallen in a deep depression and I don't know what to do. When she says I'm wrong I apologise but idk what to do after that. I consistently tell her I don't know what to do to fix it but she feels it's an excuse. I love her and always have and yet she feels that I've faked the whole marriage because now I have nothing to give. I'm hurt by the things she's said about me but she says for years I've been the same person and I've made her feel like **** and never resolve the issues or fix them. I don't know what to do or how to fix anything and she doesn't get it n it's not that I don't love her or knows her worth like she says I don't it's that when you ask someone for something and they make an attempt to give it and you push them it hurts and causes them to then push away too and she don't get it. I'm now believing I might have a personality disorder or mental issues because she says that and other things. I need some advice please


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Have you tried marriage counseling?

Has this been ongoing or were you blindsided by it all?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with @sokillme, y'all need professional help. You can not fix someone else, but can only work on yourself. There seems to be poor communication and a lack of stability in the relationship that is not going to improve during a separation.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Can you give us a specific example of some of the things that she criticized you for? Ones where you apologized but don't know what else to do?

When she says you have not been supportive, WHAT are some things she said you have not done that she considers supportive?

It sounds like either she isn't being clear or you aren't listening. If she is really depressed, it's possible she's not able to be clear because she does not know, all she knows is she is not happy. And you're right there so she believes you are the source of the unhappiness. Unfortunately, there may not be anything you can do about that. She will have to hopefully fix the depression with professional help.

On the other hand, I also see couples fall apart where one just does not take complaints seriously, and if they don't understand the complaint, they apologize but don't ask questions to get clarity on what the spouse is upset about so they can stop doing it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Anonymouslady88 How lucky for your wife. I mean, with her being perfect and right, all the time. 

She might to be gaslighting you. It's a neat trick to put everything onto the shoulders of the other person in a relationship. Unless everything really is all your fault, which, to be honest, I rather doubt.

You need individual counselling to help you regain what you have lost in your marriage and relationship counselling for the two of you in order to see if your marriage can be fixed.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Anonymouslady88 said:


> I've been married for five years with my wife. Things were going good but she has always had trust issues and it's been big problems. Now we're separated and all I'm being told is that I haven't been a supportive wife, motivating wife, loving but I feel like I was all those things. It did stop because we both shut down. I haven't been able to grasp the things she said I am and haven't been able to understand why she feels like I'm not trying when I do. I've been told I get very defensive when told I'm wrong. But what about when a person points out your wrongs everyday. She feels like she's been asking me to give her life because she has fallen in a deep depression and I don't know what to do. When she says I'm wrong I apologise but idk what to do after that. I consistently tell her I don't know what to do to fix it but she feels it's an excuse. I love her and always have and yet she feels that I've faked the whole marriage because now I have nothing to give. I'm hurt by the things she's said about me but she says for years I've been the same person and I've made her feel like **** and never resolve the issues or fix them. I don't know what to do or how to fix anything and she doesn't get it n it's not that I don't love her or knows her worth like she says I don't it's that when you ask someone for something and they make an attempt to give it and you push them it hurts and causes them to then push away too and she don't get it. I'm now believing I might have a personality disorder or mental issues because she says that and other things. I need some advice please


Are you expecting her to give you the answers so you don't have to figure it out yourself? If so, be an adult, not a child, and think for yourself. Relationships are work, so do the work. But if not, and this seems more likely based on your description of her, there isn't much you can do. 

When she says you are wrong, do her explanations make sense and you realize your error and work to not repeat it, or is she just baffling you and moving the goalposts?

She may have issues that go far beyond trusting. Sensible adults communicate with each other respectfully, analyze situations, and adapt/change when needed. If you're doing that but she isn't, you may not have a marriage to save.

It may not be you that has a personality disorder or mental issues. But it can often feel that way when you are around someone like that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM. Sorry to hear you are going thru this.

How old are each of you?
Any kids involved?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Can you share how your relationship was like before you got married? When did things start to go down hill?


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