# Depressed spouse, contemplating divorce after 17 years...



## Texas_Ham (Feb 1, 2012)

Hi ya'll, I'm new here, been reading for a while and thought I'd type up my situation, in hopes that others could give me some thoughts or advice.

I've been married to my wife for 17 years, together for 21. I am 39, she is 37. High-school sweethearts, the whole bit. She has been depressed for well over a decade. It took her years to not only admit she had a problem, but to seek help. Medications didn't really help, and she cycled through quite a few of them before finally getting off them completely and just using a combo of therapy and exercise to treat herself, which is for the most part successful.

The problem is this: Even though she's better now, I'm not. The years and years of little to no physical contact, the endless days of her just laying around the house depressed, have basically just driven me away from her to the point that I'm not sure I even want to be with her anymore.

I still care for her as a person, and even love her, but I simply do not have the same "in love" feeling that I did before. She's great to me, and we even have a sex life now, but it just feels like I'm completely checked out due to her past depression. I'm not sure if it's simply that I'm subconsciously afraid of her getting depressed again or that I'm simply not in love with her anymore.

I've been feeling this way for at least 2 years now, and I think I've finally reached the end of my trying to make things work. I realize we're never going to feel like newlyweds again, and that isn't what I'm referring to. I simply don't possess the feeling that a husband should have, in my opinion, towards his wife. There's no simpler way to put it.

My wife is well aware of the way I feel, and we've been patiently working on it for the last 2 years or so. We've been to counseling multiple times, which has helped somewhat, in that we have "date nights", we endeavor to do things together, and have really, really tried hard to make a solid connection again. But it's all been for naught, on my end at least. I feel totally disassociated from her, and struggle to even find her attractive anymore, even though physically she is smoking hot (in my humble opinion!), but without that emotional connection, I've reached a point where being intimate with her just isn't interesting to me.

The big problem is that if I do leave, it will devastate her badly, and I'm afraid that it'll drive her into depression again. We are both in a sound financial situation, have no kids, so there's nothing stopping me from leaving and us both being fine, from a life standard point of view, but the emotional toll is something I can't ignore.

Please, give me some thoughts, I'd like to hear them. And thanks for reading!


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## Texas_Ham (Feb 1, 2012)

Well, no one's commented, so I thought I'd give an update of sorts.

The wife and I had a long talk again the other day, and we laid out all the things we've been going through, and both came to the conclusion that we just can't go on like this much longer. We're both emotionally drained, and after over a year of working on fixing things, we're nearing the end of our hopes of recovering our marriage. We decided to give a few more months and then possibly do a separation, which my wife termed a "trial" separation but I have a feeling that it will end up being permanent.

This is very scary, but why should we both stay in a situation that neither of us feels is healthy?


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## Unrequited (Feb 6, 2012)

Whew. Maybe a separation will help? You clearly don't want to be married anymore, and you're more concerned about her well-being than yours. Perhaps the separation will bolster her confidence and she'll move toward divorce as well.


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## Texas_Ham (Feb 1, 2012)

Unrequited said:


> Whew. Maybe a separation will help? You clearly don't want to be married anymore, and you're more concerned about her well-being than yours. Perhaps the separation will bolster her confidence and she'll move toward divorce as well.


That would be fantastic, if that happened. She's grown a ton in the last year, and understands now that her happiness isn't dependent upon me. This was a big step for her. I'm starting to realize that she'll be fine in most respects, and that I shouldn't hinge my life upon her handling a divorce well.


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## F1veFl1ghtz (Jun 25, 2012)

Same boat, but mine has 2 kids attached (11 & 7 girls), on top of that my spouses depression episodes include spending money to cope with the depression as well as money to receive therapy for the depression. Eh, 5 years ago, we counseled with a "professional" about our "roommate" status and in the end, it seemed I was the one doing all the talking/fixing. I grew up in a "broken" home (i.e. four different stepmothers) and do not want to expose my girls to the same. However after reading posts and of course close friends of my own, when is enough enough and "cutting the cord" reality. My biggest fear of cutting the cord is the welfare of my girls as it is, I am only putting up with this for their sake at this point. My fear is on my 50% time away they will not receive the life skills, discipline, etc. for which I believe are necessary. Not so much a fear perhaps, but rather a frustration. My other issure of cutting the cord is at least during their remaining youth years is even seeing, or commication with someone I could not communicate with when we were married as this appears to be a major factor of our marriages demise. Eh, this is what forums are for, ideas and different points of view - bring em.


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