# Not sure if he's a friend



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey everybody,

About 7 or 8 years ago I met a guy that shared similar interests as myself and we developed a friendship over time. Recent events have led me to question this friendship, and I'd like your input on the matter. Here's a brief recap of my situation: 

He's 6-7 years older then me and I used to think of him like a mentor or an older brother. He's one of the smartest people I know. We've shared lots of good memories together and I don't really have many friends that share some of these specific interests either, so this friendship has been meaningful to me. I am slowly starting to realize that there have been many times where he has bailed on me because his time is "worth more then mine" and I am not sure I can take it anymore. He's pretty selfish. It has happened several times in the distant past and lately it's been happening again but in regards to recent home renovations that he's been involved in voluntarily. I don't know if he's got commitment issues, is ultra-selfish or is simply not a friend.

Basically I got divorced two years ago and I got to keep the overpriced house. It's been a sinkhole and in order to profit renovations were absolutely necessary. I am renovating it so I can live somewhere more affordable, so I am pretty tight for funds these days. My parents agreed to loan me money to cover the renovation costs, which they did on an "as needed" basis and where I will repay them when I sell the house. They also agreed to help me out with the renovations, which I am very thankful for. They don't have much money either so we agreed to do all the work ourselves. 

My parents aren't professionals, but they mean well and are doing their best. My friend is a brilliant journeyman carpenter. Last year we worked together to build my deck and I paid him, as agreed for his work. 

What happened is that my parents started installing the new shower with me and he stepped in, and basically told us everything we are doing was wrong. My parents got upset and stepped back, and they said fine you two can do it. My friend agreed to help me for no charge provided I was there working with him. And so we worked on the shower and other projects when we were both free. The issue arises where he'd be bored during the day and offer to come over and help without me. I said sure, of course. I could use all the help I could get. Then out of nowhere it seems, like the very next day he'd change his mind and leave me hanging, telling me I had to finish the rest on my own because he didn't like the way my parents did things. Ok?

But then two days later he's bored again and wants to help again and we're back at square one. I am very strapped for time, money and friends that can help, and he knows that, and so I say sure again and again. This went on a few times. Of course he never says anything in person, all over text...He's passive aggressive it seems. It bothers me. 

Anyways, recently he came over, we worked on the floor, and then I told him I had to get my girlfriend and that I'd be back. He insisted on staying and finishing the job...so I said fine. I come back with my gf, he seems chill, we work some more, but now it's getting late so I tell him I'll finish the last row of flooring tomorrow. He says okay, leaves and we go to bed. 

Next day he messages me saying he is bored and will come finish the flooring. Cool!

Moments later (out of nowhere it seems), he txts me he is very unimpressed and feels I've taken advantage of him and his time and is pulling back from everything AND IS NOW CHARGING US for his work (which we did not agree on paying!!). He criticizes my work ethic and my priorities, and basically tells me I shouldn't have a girlfriend (even though I barely see her once a week!). He calls me lazy yet I am simply not that rushed to finish everything at once. He says his time is valuable and pretty much indirectly says more valuable then mine. He accuses me of wasting my money eating out when honestly it's my money that I've budgeted for and I can do what I want with it. I've always paid him back for work he's done or for things he's bought. I've done my best to be friendly and accommodate him. You know what he did? He actually kept a spreadsheet that kept track of every hour spent at my house working. And why the **** is he working harder on my house then me? 

He directed the bill to my parents instead of me, because he thinks it's their onus and not mine, and that offended me...because it's MY family, not just me vs them. You know?

I'm not sure what to do. All this back and forth is not new. I don't feel I can trust him. Yet he's taught me a ridiculous amount about carpentry, masonry, landscaping, heck, everything. I now have my own tools and I am quite the handyman thanks to him. 

One more wrench to throw in to this. We used to hang out nearly every day and then one day he just randomly moves to BC. When he left I changed my life a bit to fill the time. New hobbies, new people, etc... Then, rather unexpectedly, he moves back that winter stating he has cancer and his surgeon is here. His doctor put him off work. He got angry that I wasn't spending much time with him since he's had cancer, but the reality it's because my lifestyle has changed since he left to BC. So keep that in mind in your answers, because all of the home renos were after he came back, and he's been volunteering to work on my house (when he really shouldn't be working at all). I'm pretty sure he'll be fine as they caught the cancer early. My thoughts are that he's going through a tough phase, but I don't know. I'm so caught up in this drama that I am not seeing this for what it is. Maybe he's lonely? 

The only thing I know is this. In contrast, one of my best friends offered to help out. He's been extremely busy, but he eventually came and helped. He asked nothing in return. Nothing. 

This "friend" though...it seems he always wants something in return. I'm just not sure I can handle this. I haven't told him we're not going to pay him yet and I am a little scared of the backlash. And in the distant past, there were many times where he'd buy some new toy and pawn off his old stuff to me. He never ripped me off per say, but frankly I feel like I am just another revenue stream for him sometimes...(which doesn't make any sense because is vastly healthier then I). 

Please offer some insight if you can.

Thanks for reading.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Can you possibly cram any more drama into your life?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Can you possibly cram any more drama into your life?


Oh hush. 

My life is drama free otherwise.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Do you think maybe your parents are at fault perhaps? 
Being critical to the guy when he WAS helping you out free of charge. 

Your parents are also critical of your pregnant girlfriend as well, correct?

Everybody seems at fault except you & your parents, that's something you might want to look at. 



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