# Advice please



## Alison1292 (Jan 26, 2012)

Hello,

I am in need of advice I am not sure weather I should stay in my marriage or seperate. Here is my story My husband and I have been together 8 1/2 years and married for 5 1/2 years. We meet in college and our life was pretty much partying, although he was a binge drinker he would drink so much he would pee on his self and black out I thought it was a college faze. Before we got married I felt that something was not right.


In 2008 I became pregnant with our first child. Even though I felt something was wrong I felt that a child would make us both grow up, we would usually get along great if not drinking. In 2009 my husband lost his job for his attitude a month later we had abeautiful baby girl with DOWN SYNDROME. It was a hard time for us both but extremly hard for me b/c I gave birth to her, i was morning the daughtet I thought I lost ( now I know god gave me a perfect angel), postpartum despression and to make matters worse my best friend died unexpectedly 6 weeks later. My husband stayed home with but drank all the time. We threatened to leave me becasue I was so withdrawn at the time and did not give him attention. He stayed home with her for 1 1/2 a half, which I comend him for, when he got a job with a beer distributing company. 

Our marriage has just gone down hill since the job and he meet a neighbor in our community. He was staying out till 4 o clock in the morning, would not answer his phone, was peeing constantly on things in the middle of the night reeked of alcohol. 

Last year was the worst. In Jan he was drinking all day during a snow storm and at 10 pm said he was going out.I woke up 2 hours later and he was no wear to be found. I called him and text him for hours making sure he was okay I got one response with "k" in it. At 4 am he came home drunk and freezing saying he had been walking around thinking and I said why would you not call. I have to take care of our daughteter and work in the morning and he said to punish me. He promised the next not to drink anymore unless it was a big occasion.

A month later he came drunk after a highschool basketball game ( do they even sell alcohol there) and would not get up with our daughter the next day and started yelling at me saying I was crazy. We seperated for 3 months. He continued to party and drink the whole time. He came back one day and said we were going to work this out. I did miss him, but I was at a point I did not know what I wanted.

Things were okay till last Novemeber when he stopped by a neighbors after I went to bed. I woke up at 5:30 am and he was still not home. I called and he was still partying with 23 year olds. He came home and had a bloody lip and could not talk he was so drunk. he was suppose to pick our daughter up from her grandmothers 4 hours later.... nice thinking off your daughter I told him. The next day he said the young boys were fighting and he new me being the good person I am, I would not want him to leave but to stay and help.. nice guilt trip huh. A week later he went down to another neighbors came home and peed all other our master bedroom. I was so disgusted I did not even talk to him. I moved in the guest room in Oct and we did not really talk except for our daughter issues. 

We decided to put the house up for sale Jan and seperate. After speaking to his mom he decided to quit drinking and go to AA. He did go to AA for a month then quit and he has quit drinking since thanksgiving. Except for the tastings he has to do for his work.

My problem is I do not trust him or respect him. When I needed him when I was going thru the most difficult time my life my daughters birth,he was not there. I feel anxiety all the time about his drinking and I want more children so much but can not imagine having more with him. I feel like I am staying b/c my daughter loves him so much. To be honest even though I am only 32, I am scared I will never find anyone else b/c of mybeautiful little girl's diagnosis at the same time after all the crap I have gone thru I do not know if I ever want to be married again. 

I feel my husband drains my energy and takes away the happiness my daughter adds to my life. I feel like he will quit drinking for a while but go back. Mutiple people have come to me stating that he needed to quit and he was out of control and he says that is a lie. He said maybe some people said it, but everyone else thinks it is extreme for him to quit. My dauhgter and this experience has made me stonger everyday. Do I want to get divorced no, do I want to raise a manchild no, I feel a marriage is work but, there should be support from both to make each other better. I feel like I have no self esteem, and if I mention to my husband he turn everything back around how I put him down. 

I grew up on a dairy farm, he is italian from NY. He can talk guilt circles around me My daughter is what is most important and I just want to do what is right for her. If I leave I would move back to MD( as long as court allowed), b/c that is where my family is and could give me help and support. My husband has already said he will make my life a living hell. 

I feel that I am just waiting for him to screw up b/c I can not get other the past. I feel stupid, guilty and angry that I have stayed in this marriage, But since he says he has changed what do I do, when I have lost all faith in my marriage and the man in it. I look back and it has never been good and he has always been extremly difficult to be with. I do realize I am not perfect and I do wrong, but I am a good honest woman that just wants to take care of her daughter.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Alison, people might comment more if you broke this up into paragraphs or something... (sorry to come across as grammar police).

What I got out of your post is that you want to leave, but your husband threatened to make your life a living hell if you left. Something to consider is that it sounds like you are in a living hell now.

Can you consider getting some individual counseling? Your post hints at codependency and you may learn a lot about why you would be willing to let this guy treat you as bad as he has. It's easy to say "Leave!" but it's even better to figure out why so you don't make the same mistakes in the next relationship.

Best of luck getting through this.


----------



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi, I agree, I got through about half of it. It sounds like your H has some major alcohol issues.  

TAM is a great place for support. Look forward to hearing more!


----------

