# My man does not want sex. What can I do?



## levs08 (Jul 27, 2012)

My boyfriend is an amazing man. We stared out as friends for years,and after encouraging me to 'take a chance and trust,' we started seeing one another. The sex was incredible; the best I've had in many years. It had strength, size, passion, duration, and frequency. Three months into our relationship I felt and expressed that I was really falling for him. Our relationship outside of bed grows daily, and I am thrilled to have found out just how smart, strong, witty, humorous, balanced, supportive, and down right sexy this man really is and thankful to have him so intimately involved in my life. 

My problem is that now (since things became more serious) we do not have sex very often (we went from 3-4x a day to 3-4x a week maybe). When we do, its always the same position (spoon), in the middle of the night (2 am...4am), quick (15-30 min), lackluster (he won't even LOOK at me), and many times I don't even reach O. 

I've tried initiating, and he just rolls over or gets up and goes outside. I've tried talking about it and expressing how the rejection hurts and makes me feel unwanted. I've tried masturbating in bed with him next to me, but he doesn't care. I've tried to think about it and ask for it less, but it's left me incredibly frustrated. On one occasion, I blew up and sent him an angry message asking that if he didn't want to be with me to please stop. His response is that he's stressed, his back hurts, his stomach hurts, and sex does not equal love. 

The messed up thing is that in every other way he does show that he loves me and wants to be with me. He's only 32. We're both active and healthy. Why then, does he not want sex? Or does he just not want sex WITH ME?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It doesn't sound like there's anything physically wrong with him if he can still perform 3-4x per week, even if they are quickies.

You need to explain that a fulfilling, intimate sex life is necessary for the marriage to work and if it isn't there, the marriage is in trouble.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going with he's got a serious fear of intimacy since things changed once you got serious.

Just be grateful you aren't married because he's quite clear that this is all he has to offer at the moment and when you get nothing but excuses it means he doesn't want to fix it either.

RUN.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

4x/day? Are you sure he didn't break it off in you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sorry... didn't catch the boyfriend vs. married part, but the same holds true.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your to eager for his attention start playing hard to get. he has become lazy because your so accessible and desirious of him.

make him chase you for a change turn him down for sex once in a while. when you don't orgasm tell him so and if he act indifferent then run for the hills!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm going with he's got a serious fear of intimacy since things changed once you got serious.
> 
> Just be grateful you aren't married because he's quite clear that this is all he has to offer at the moment and when you get nothing but excuses it means he doesn't want to fix it either.
> 
> RUN.


Yes, this. And probably look for a new boyfriend. This one has commitment issues.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My other theory is he's got some abuse or other sexual hangup from his past. Somebody has done a serious number on this man. Hence the commitment and sex problem.

He might even be gay or bi.

He KNOWS what's wrong he just won't tell you.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

most of the time it's porn use. Guys are using porn and masturbating and that's their outlet. Porn use can in some men lead to an escalation situation where the brain gets used to the porn and it no longer arouses and the brain seeks out more extreme types of porn.

This often at this point can cause guys to experience lack of interest in their partner. Their brains are just too used to the extreme porn. We call this de-sensitization.

But if you are having sex 3 or 4 times a week, as you seem to say, that ain't bad LOL. Did I miss something?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mattcook said:


> But if you are having sex 3 or 4 times a week, as you seem to say, that ain't bad LOL. Did I miss something?


Its BAD sex. Same time - 2am, one position, quickies, he won't look her in the face AND she's not having an orgasm.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Its BAD sex. Same time - 2am, one position, quickies, he won't look her in the face AND she's not having an orgasm.


thanks - I didn't get that, sorry. 

My advice is the same. It changes everything and here's why. It really results in you wanting to do things for your partner. You just really feel like it. And you want what she or he wants. It's really to be experienced, very cool. A bit like when you first met but better.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> 4x/day? Are you sure he didn't break it off in you?












Lol....ughh...I would miss that too.


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## levs08 (Jul 27, 2012)

After another night of no sex despite attempts to initiate from me all night long, I was feeling really out of it. I go dressed this morning like I was going to go to my Saturday class, but after he left, I decided to not go. I changed clothes and posted on my FB wall 

"Not going to class today. There is far too much chaos in my mind, heart, and home right now. I can't concentrate. So instead, I'm going to implement some much needed Cleaning Therapy. The music will be loud, and my ass will be busy...too busy to worry about the BS and frustrations. Then when my house is in order, perhaps my mind and spirit will be as well. If you know where I am, and are inclined to clean, feel free to stop over. I'll make a day of it with some yummy 
(alcoholic) pink lemonade. Otherwise, TTFN."

I got to work and did some mid-summer Spring Cleaning. It really is good therapy for me. He came over having seen my post, and asked what was wrong. So after collecting my thoughts, I told him, "When you blow off my affections, I feel rejected physically and emotionally. When you only initiate/are in the mood at 2am, only in the same way, and only for a quickie, I feel used. When you refuse to look at me when we do have sex, I feel hideous - a step above needing a bag for my head."

His response, "I'm tired of this sex BS. That's all its about to you. **** it, I'm going home. I'll talk to you later."

At which point, he left.

I sent him a text that said, "It's not 'all about sex,' but this is a sore spot, and I can't pretend that it doesn't hurt. I'd hoped that after all this time and all we've gone through together that you'd know you mean more to me than just the sex, but having a healthy sex life is an important aspect of any good relationship."

Three hours later, no response. So, I'm thinking it's over and I have mixed emotions about it. If it was going to continue to be like that, I suppose it's best to just be done, but also I can't help wondering what was so wrong that he didn't just want to try.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Maybe he's into porn and masturbation on the side and what you are getting in the middle of the night is his version of "duty sex"


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

With out getting into a fight, sit him down and tell him that this is a " Come to Jesus meeting!" Tell him that he will either FUCJ YOU or he will leave. You need it and he needs to do it or leave. Men are very simple, but sometimes lazy. If he will not do it, someone else will.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Sorry, I just read you post, never mind.


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## levs08 (Jul 27, 2012)

Guess I'll be going to UFC 150 in Denver alone...his loss.


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## MWD (Jul 16, 2012)

Taking to a passive aggressive post on FB is not the answer. That is a chicken way out. More than likely he felt embarrassed and ambushed. As DWY posted, sit down with him and talk it out. I would not pull a 'do it or someone else will'. All that is likely to do is distance you two even further. Talk to him about what he wants, and tell him what you want. Men tend to be sensitive about their manhood and if you approach him with the 'you aren't satisfying me' type of approach, you are likely to insult him and make no mileage on your quest to bond with your husband. Be loving with him when you talk with him. Let him know that the reason you are missing that bond is because you love him, not that you are some horny chick looking for a lay. You desire him, not just some Sex. If he does not respond to that, I don't know what to say. But I am sure that after you explained your FB post, he feels like his dirty laundry has been displayed to the world and everyone is looking at him as a man who can not pleas his woman. I know for me, that would be a buzz kill. 

-MWD


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

While the FB posting MAY have been wrong, it turned into her being able to verbalize her issues with him Unfortunately, he blew her off.

Sorry, but I don't think he's going to change. Time to hit the ejection button on this relationship.


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