# Sex after Weight Loss



## goldenrabbit (Jul 4, 2009)

I have been married for almost 20 years now, to the same man. I started gaining weight after we were married and eventually ended up about 150 pounds over-weight. This past January, I had gastric bypass. I have lost 112 pounds in the past 6 months.
Now for the issue.
The past few years of my marriage, our sex life started to deteriorate to the point where it was non-existent. I felt in the past few years of my marriage that my husband no longer loved me and he certainly did not want me sexually. The last attempt I had made to have sex before my surgery, I was refused. I was very hurt and became angry, within myself. I told myself that I would never have sex with him again.
Since I have lost 110 pounds, suddenly my husband is more talkative to me; he acts as if he cares about me, and has attempted to be close with me. I don’t know what to do. I am still bitter about the way he treated me all that time. Should I let the past be the past and move on and live life as normal again, or stay cold and just hate the fact that he did that to me? 
Any opinions are welcomed. Thanks.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

goldenrabbit said:


> I don’t know what to do. I am still bitter about the way he treated me all that time. Should I let the past be the past and move on and live life as normal again, or stay cold and just hate the fact that he did that to me?


I guess that would depend on whether you want your marriage to survive. If you want to kill the marriage, then remain bitter. However, if you want your marriage to thrive again, forgive him and move forward. That's entirely up to you. I would personally choose the later. Going thru a divorce and having to start over after all of these years is no picnic! Now there's some bitterness! Perhaps counseling could help both of you worth thru this. Congratulations on the weight loss!


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

827Aug said:


> I guess that would depend on whether you want your marriage to survive. If you want to kill the marriage, then remain bitter. However, if you want your marriage to thrive again, forgive him and move forward. That's entirely up to you. I would personally choose the later. Going thru a divorce and having to start over after all of these years is no picnic! Now there's some bitterness! Perhaps counseling could help both of you worth thru this. Congratulations on the weight loss!



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I have a hard time answering this as I don't want to hurt your feelings or anyone else's. I guess look at it from the other side...if your DH put on 150lbs...would you still find him that attractive enough to want to be intimate? Now yes I know you have to love the inside as well as the out...I'm just going off my own personal opinions...me I have the tendancy to gain 15-20 lbs in 6 months and then lose it over the next 6 months. Yes 15-20 is not a lot to the normal person...but I am barely over 5ft tall so 15-20 on me is equilivant to much more on an avg size person. I tend to feel less attractive when I have the extra 15-20 on me which makes me more self concious in the bedroom...and we all know if you're self concious in the bedroom it's not as fun as it could be. We also know that if the other person doesn't necessarily find us that attractive atm it's going to be less fun and less desirable at the moment too.

I say yes forgive him and move on if you want the marriage to survive...I'm sure you're bitter and your feelings were hurt but obviously you didn't find yourself too attractive or healthy either or you wouldn't have gone the drastic GB route. 

Please don't take offense as I don't mean any...I really did try to think of the best way to write that as I don't mean any harm whatsoever.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Oh and congrats on the weight loss 
Sounds like it's doing what you wanted it to do. Keep up the good work.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

If you want to stay married, forgive and forget.


As a man, knowing we are visual creatures, its in his chemistry to not want you sexually as much when you were 150 lbs overweight. As "shallow" as that sounds, its a fact. My wife is 5'2", and a "healthy" weight for that height is 110-130 lbs (according to BMI), if whe weighed 280 (150 overweight) I would still love her, but definitely wouldn't get turned on by her sexually.

I'm not saying the way he treated you was right, but then again we are supposed to try to stay as attractive as possible for our spouses as well. I've lost 25 lbs in the last 6 months myself, back down to my HS weight for the first time since HS (12 years). My wife has lost 15 lbs in the last few weeks, down to her weight from before the last baby (we have 3) and now she is working on getting to her weight she was after the 1st baby (healthy weight).


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Give up the resentment, what purpose is it serving other than to keep you both stuck in a pattern that isn't doing anything positive for either of you. Yes, it sounds shallow for your husband not to be as sexually turned on by you once you put on 150 pounds. But, i'm guessing you had the GB surgery not only for health reasons, but prolly because YOU were not happy with the way you looked either. Turn the tables, how would you feel about him sexually? 
Close the chapter on the resentment, and take advantage of his newfound interest. Sounds like if you do, you could be having a lot more fun then you are now...together! 
Congrats on the weight loss! Keep up the good worK!


----------



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

goldenrabbit said:


> I have been married for almost 20 years now, to the same man. I started gaining weight after we were married and eventually ended up about 150 pounds over-weight. This past January, I had gastric bypass. I have lost 112 pounds in the past 6 months.
> Now for the issue.
> The past few years of my marriage, our sex life started to deteriorate to the point where it was non-existent. I felt in the past few years of my marriage that my husband no longer loved me and he certainly did not want me sexually. The last attempt I had made to have sex before my surgery, I was refused. I was very hurt and became angry, within myself. I told myself that I would never have sex with him again.
> Since I have lost 110 pounds, suddenly my husband is more talkative to me; he acts as if he cares about me, and has attempted to be close with me. I don’t know what to do. I am still bitter about the way he treated me all that time. Should I let the past be the past and move on and live life as normal again, or stay cold and just hate the fact that he did that to me?
> Any opinions are welcomed. Thanks.


I agree with 827Aug.

What do you want in life? 

It's important to remember that your husband isn't your lap dog. You are treating him like he is property or something and he should give you sex when and where you want. Your husband is a human being with feelings and emotions and needs. You neglected yourself to the point where he wasn't attracted to you anymore. That was entirely in your control.

If I stop showering, let my teeth rott and just let myself go, I'm sorry but my partner is not going to want sex with me. The same thing goes for being overweight. Actually, I did gain over 50lbs at one point and my wife at the time told me that she was loosing her attractiveness to me. I stopped eating so much and my sex life bounced back. That is what I wanted and I achieved this.

I think you should feel good that your husband wants you again. Acting otherwise is just childish and vengeful.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Rhea said:


> I have a hard time answering this as I don't want to hurt your feelings or anyone else's. I guess look at it from the other side...if your DH put on 150lbs...would you still find him that attractive enough to want to be intimate? Now yes I know you have to love the inside as well as the out...I'm just going off my own personal opinions...me I have the tendancy to gain 15-20 lbs in 6 months and then lose it over the next 6 months. Yes 15-20 is not a lot to the normal person...but I am barely over 5ft tall so 15-20 on me is equilivant to much more on an avg size person. I tend to feel less attractive when I have the extra 15-20 on me which makes me more self concious in the bedroom...and we all know if you're self concious in the bedroom it's not as fun as it could be. We also know that if the other person doesn't necessarily find us that attractive atm it's going to be less fun and less desirable at the moment too.
> 
> I say yes forgive him and move on if you want the marriage to survive...I'm sure you're bitter and your feelings were hurt but obviously you didn't find yourself too attractive or healthy either or you wouldn't have gone the drastic GB route.
> 
> Please don't take offense as I don't mean any...I really did try to think of the best way to write that as I don't mean any harm whatsoever.



well said


----------

