# My wife is cheating: The Primal Scream ride



## Bellyscratch

Greetings, I have been following this site for several years since my wife had an emotional affair several years ago. I believe she is doing the same thing again and hopefully it hasn't gone any farther. She seems to be following the "script" that seems to guide so many cheaters when confronted with evidence: phone is attached to her all the time; more adventurous grooming; working longer hours; more girls nights out, ect. This has been going on for around 3 months. 

However, unlike the last time, this time I was quick to get off my a$$ and become very pro active. A very brief history. I met my wife in high school, where she was a year behind me. We started dating at the end of my senior year and dated around 2 years. We had a great time and loved each other very much. What did strike my as odd was that she would always shut down after a argument and would not talk to me for several days. We broke up after 2 years when after an argument she decided to have sex with the dude who going to give me a ride to college. Did not know anything till the guy asked when I broke up with my girl and that he had sex with her several days earlier. Yep...I was dumbstruck. Called her and she confessed. Why did she do this? She stated that she was young and wanted to see other people. Would have been nice to tell me though. Anyway, went to college, paid too much money and got a degree (yipee!!). Back at home and ran into her at a rugby match I was playing in. Started talking and married 3 year later. 

My wife started a new job as a social worker. She was constantly on call so her hours were constantly changing. About 3 to 4 months ago she started acting like she did when she had a short EA with a neighbor who lived several houses away. They both played on a co-ed soccer team that practiced after work and played on the weekends. She was spending less time at home and like a fool I just hung waiting for her to come home. Checked her phone when she was asleep and found the texts. I confronted her and she apologized and broke off all communication...NOT.

Yep, she has started up again with the same guy. He is a butcher so I will just call him "Meathead". I have been watching and gathering evidence for the past 2 1/2 months. The rest will be a primer since I have to get back on the 
road and this internet is sketchy at best. When I get to my next town I will fill in the rest of the story regarding the unfortunate sex-a-thon she was having with Mr. Meathead. 

The Primal Scream tour is just that. My hobby is adventure riding with a couple of my best motorcycle friends. I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska riding to Deadhorse, Alaska and the Artic Ocean. I am eating dinner at the one of the few restaurants with wi-fi and I believe I am overstating my welcome. The Primal Screaming happens when riding and my mind gets full of her B.S. and meanness that I have to stop, take off my helmet and scream at the top of my lungs, and I do it till I can't do it anymore. So needless to say, I have no voice but I don't care. It seems to help and my buddies have gotten use to it, sometimes. But I think the tourists might think I am possessed.

Anyway, everyone is geared up and ready to hit the road. I will fill in more at the next wi-fi location. I do need you guys as a sounding board to see if what I have done so far is good, bad or just wrong. Plus I think this will last for a while so future help will be thrown out to you guys as well.


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## Mr.Married

Serial cheat ..... dump her.

She never was and never will be marriage material.


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## jlg07

Hopefully you have no children. Make sure the evidence you have is kept safe and in multiple places.
I think you need to make sure you get your financial house in order and as soon as you get home, get your documents together and get to a lawyer.

She hasn't matured from when you were dating her way back when -- she will continue to cheat.
Make sure the POSOM wife/gf finds out about this, and expose this to all your friends/family -- if not, she will paint YOU as the bad guy in all this.

Very sorry you are going through this, and, as much as you can, enjoy your ride and forget about her.


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## Marc878

Bud, living the life of a marriage warden is no life to live.

What are you trying to save here?

You appear to be on the 3rd go round of this broken record.

Inform meatheads wife if he's married, file for D.

If not you'll just get it again and again and again.

It all comes down to making a decision that you refuse the disrespect


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## personofinterest

No woman who is worth your love and commitment will continually betray you this way. And no healthy man wants to be his wife's warden for the rest of his life. She is a person who is autonomous and makes her own choices. So far she has chosen to repeatedly hurt the man she vowed to love. She has broken her vows more than once. You deserve better than this type of marriage and this type of woman. One time with true remorse can be worked through. When it happens again… the remorse wasn't real and she cannot be trusted.


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## farsidejunky

The ride with her stops when you say it does.

Why have you allowed her toxicity to remain in your life?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## MattMatt

Ride off into her sunset, but if you do it is your sunrise. 

You deserve better.


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## SunCMars

There should be no follow-up story.
She wrote the ending.

And, she dotted bloody the eyes, yours.





[THM]- The Typist I


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry you're in this mess. 
Do you have kids?
Is the OM married?

Cheaters all share a certain personality profile: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lack empathy for their partner.
You deserve better.

STAY SAFE


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## TDSC60

I am a little confused.

Is it still yet another EA or has it gone physical? With you on a long trip away from her, I am betting it is more than an EA now - a lot more.

Time for you to pull the plug.


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## Malaise

Bellyscratch said:


> Anyway, everyone is geared up and ready to hit the road. I will fill in more at the next wi-fi location. I do need you guys as a sounding board to see if what I have done so far is good, bad or just wrong. *Plus I think this will last for a while so future help will be thrown out to you guys as well*.


To save you the time and your voice here's all the help you need :

File for divorce.

Have a safe trip.


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## personofinterest

I don't know if you exposed the first affair, but you definitely need to expose this one to family and friends.


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## Lostinthought61

Please tell me this story ends with you kicking her to the curb instead of you acting like a doormat...please tell me you don't have to turn in that man card...and for the record its a EA and PA nit just emotional.


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## sa58

The next ride you should take is to your house to
pack your stuff or help her pack. 

Then ride down to the divorce lawyer and file.

Then scream goodbye !!


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## Noble1

Guess we will find out more when you get wi-fi.

Hopefully there are no kids involved - that would mess things up.


If there are no kids, as mentioned above, I would be sorely tempted to do lots of electronic banking to secure funds and enjoy a lengthy road trip with no communication back home.

Good luck.


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## Jus260

Tell the butcher he can have her in exchange for a couple of tomahawk ribeyes. If he refuses, offer him a couple of tomahawk ribeyes to take her for good.


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## aine

There’s nothing to save, she’s a serial cheat. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!


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## GoldenR

Your first mistake was staying with her after the first time. 

Time to correct that mistake.


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## SunWhiskey

Do you have a thread over on advrider as well? If so, I want to follow both sides.


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## [email protected]

Bellyscratch, I'm confused. I'm unclear as to what advice you want. You already have a clear grasp of what's going on with your WW, so what would you like to know? You want permission to D? Is that it? Personally, I'd have been gone a long time ago!


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## Bibi1031

sex-a-thon with meathead eh.

Dump her like yesterday's garbage. Before dumping expose as far and wide as your screams can muster. She deserves no less.


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## Bellyscratch

Update:

Well, make it to Anchorage after several days and around 1300 miles. Before I get to my wife, anyone who ever have wanted to travel in Alaska, I highly recommend it. Beautiful scenery and plenty of wildlife. The Dalton Highway is one of two roads in North America that crosses the Arctic Circle. It is the one used in the T.V. show "Ice Road Truckers" and when dry and the road turns to dirt, the dust from the truckers is so bad that you have to stop and let the dust settle. When wet, the chemical calcium chloride is sprayed to keep the dust down makes the road very slippery, kind of like riding on chicken fat. On of my buddies fell because of this and dislocated his shoulder blade and broke 2 ribs (according to the Anchorage doctor). We put his shoulder into place (thanks Rugby), taped his ribs, gave him a shot of Jack Danial's and off we went. This trip and these guys have been my life line to reality over the weeks and if it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be. Never underestimate power of friendship.

Anyway, back to my cheating wife. Let me start where I noticed her changing in our relationship. We have been married under 10 years with no kids. We talked about kids and were excited about the future idea of children, but she wanted to wait till her education was completed and she had time at work to take advantage of the hospitals pre and post natal care benefits. Anyway, after some time working, she signed up for the hospitals soccer team. They are a intramural team which plays in the city's league. I always thought it was for singles to meet but it appears that married people are involved to meet singles or other married men. My wife met this neighbor during one of their after game booze parties. I use to go to all her games when I could, but now she just says she will be late and not tell me she has a game, so I never know when they play. Her schedule is sent out via email which I am not privy to. Anyway, she started to get real moody and confrontational any time I talked to her. She says I am never home, by the way, she has always been gone over 10 hours a day from the commute and work. She has done this from day one of her job. I never had any suspicion to think anything was up. She also started to be attached to her phone all day and night, short conversations when someone calls her, texts all night long, saying she is working more overtime hours while her paychecks remain the same (strange right!). She is staying over at her girlfriends house every Friday night. Says she goes out after work and crashes at the GF's house. In the beginning I checked up on this and found that she was indeed at her house after a night of drinking. So all is good, I thought.

She crawled in one Saturday morning all zombie looking and states the "Sorry, love you lots but not in love" bull****. OK, fine. Like I said, I have seen this attitude and non verbal cues before, so I thought she was doing something again. So a little bit about me. I currently work in law enforcement and am assigned to a violent offender task force in my city. I have been on this assignment for most of my career. It does have a lot of non scheduled work hours, but I have always communicated with my wife on how she feels about this work schedule and she has always stated that she was excited for me and had no issues.

I found out about the affair really by dumb luck. My work car died one day so I took my wife's POV to a conference I had to attend. Well, I forgot my briefcase in the car when my wife took it to work and a conversation she had between herself and someone else about meeting for dinner at the usual time and what she will not be wearing under her dress was recorded on my work voice activated recorder located in my bag. I was at my desk and wanted to review my notes from the conference I recorded and I heard her conversation. Well, it didn't really surprise me but it was totally annihilating. I had my partner listen to the tape and all he said was "get a lawyer now".

I also told several of my good friends regarding my wife's affair and one mentioned the Alaska motorcycle trip they were taking in a week and said that I was going with them, no questions, no complaining. So this is how I am now riding in the rain and mud up in Alaska with three of the best people i know.

I told my wife I was leaving on this trip (I have lots of Annual and Medical leave I need to burn so no time issues for me) and if she needs to get a hold of me to call my best friend Jerry. Jerry is also one of the best young attorneys in my city. My wife does not know this yet, because I am going to get my ducks in a row before dropping the Divorce bomb on her.
I have only had to stop a scream at the pain only 4 to 5 times per day. I really helps me clear me head and now my buddies scream with me. I guess everyone has a scream in them now and then.

So now I am on the final leg of the trip and facing the unknown at home. I don't know where to start so any ideas would be a great help. I know of No Contact, which I am doing now, but I am not home and I don't know how I am going to handle it. The trip kept my mind focused but it is starting to unravel into constant thinking about my marriage, how I truly love my wife, but I cannot condone her behavior and I can't live with the thought of her.

I will talk to my friend/attorney when I get home and take the leash off and file ASAP. What will she try to do or say to change my mind about the divorce if she wants to reconcile or what do I do if she wants to cut bait and end it all? This is what is consuming my thoughts now. What a sh** show and I am the main attraction, yea for me.


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## Bellyscratch

Just a quick note, I am reading all your responses and I will respond as soon as I get off this bike and in a real home.:smile2:


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## Marc878

It's a sexual affair so get out of your denial. This is her second rodeo. This will play over and over again.

File and free yourself. If not you'll get it again.


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## Robert22205

Ouch ... you are not the first person to walk this path. As dark as it seems it will get better (much better after you exit infidelity).
You are not alone. 

You can't control her or the outcome. However, the most effective response is the same whether you ultimately choose to D or R. Zero tolerance for cheating and strong decisive action provides you with the highest probability of regaining control over/saving your marriage. Her pulling away from you is a sign that she's in limerence (google it) over this guy. Under the circumstances, being a better husband, crying or begging won't work. Instead it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to continue the affair.

It sounds like you're an attorney and per your training you're developing a rational plan (that's good). Although you sound like you're handling it well (nobody does). You're experiencing an emotional and physical trauma that will put you on a emotional roller coaster ride for a long long time. Time heals but in the interim you need to reach out for emotional support and guidance (friends, family, and IC). 

See a doctor immediately, they can help you with sleeping and controlling anger/anxiety (and get tested for STDs).

DO NOT prematurely reveal that you know about the affair. Remaining silent and calm at this stage is very difficult (see a doctor). Developing a 'plan' will give you a sense of control and reduce (but not eliminate) anxiety. 

When you and your attorney are ready, consider serving divorce papers at work on a Thursday (and you go dark and disappear for a 3 day weekend). I suggest distancing yourself for a few days to protect yourself from the drama and potential retaliation. When you return home carry a VAR on you to record all conversations (and to protect you from charges of domestic abuse). 

Consult with your divorce attorney about simultaneously exposing the affair to friends, family, the OM's wife and the hospital where she works. Yes she and the OM will likely be fired, however health care workers can find another job (and depending on the state, spouse support determined on their earnings capability). Consult with your divorce attorney about the possible additional cost associated with exposure - and weight it against the satisfaction of standing up for yourself. My observation is that most betrayed spouses do not regret exposing the affair.

If you need more graphic/concrete evidence (perhaps for settlement reasons), hire a PI for a day or two to document their affair. Should be easy to follow them after a softball game. 

To the extent possible (without tipping your hand), separate your financial accounts and change the beneficiary on your insurance.

Your wife will bad mouth you, blame you for the affair etc. IMO the best defense is to take control of the dialogue by preparing an informal statement in advance that you provide to friends and family when you expose her history of cheating.


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## Robert22205

Here's a few things I wish somebody had told me years ago.

1 - While you can accept 50% of the responsibility for marital issues - her decision to cheat is 100% her responsibility. All marriages and people have issues: ranging from being taken for granted/boredom/lack of romance ... sickness, job stress, depression ... and being attracted to someone else - the list is endless. 
There are many coping mechanisms but your wife chose to cheat.

2 - Cheaters share similar personality characteristics to enable them to cheat: selfish, entitled, deceitful and lacking in empathy for their spouse. Her decision to cheat had nothing to do with you or her marriage - there was nothing you could do to prevent her affair. First she has to take 100% responsibility for her decision to cheat - and then she has to spend months/years figuring out why she choose to cheat vs other options. Since there are no kids, why not just divorce? There are lots of reasons - perhaps she liked the security of being married to you & the excitement of the OM.

3 - She's known you since high school (like a comfortable old shoe) and therefore you can't compete with the OM. He's not only a fantasy (she doesn't really know him) but his attention makes her feel 'special'. People protect themselves and their marriage from temptation with firm boundaries. She didn't and now she's addicted to getting attention from this POS.

4 - This is not the girl you married. Among other things, cheaters are good at justifying their infidelity and convincing themselves that they are the victim. She's had plenty of time to rewrite your marriage history (and you as husband) negatively in her head. 

Don't expect her to confess when confronted with evidence. For example, she'll dismiss the recording as taken out of context or that they were just fantasizing etc. With respect to time alone with the OM, she'll insist there was no sex that they are just good friends and he offered her a shoulder to lean on (and she slept on the couch). Sometimes they refuse to confess because they are desperate to avoid public exposure, loss of their security blanket/marriage - plus they want to stay in contact with the OM (and stay married). 

Save all evidence. Never disclose your sources (she'll just learn from it and cheat better the next tiime). Rather than disclose how you know she's cheating, bluff and say someone saw her them together etc.

5 - If you decide to R, it typically takes 2-5 years for you to recover (assuming she actively fixes herself). 

6 - Read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass to help understand how her affair happened. 

7- Whether you R or D, (in order for her to fully understand what she did to you) she should read (it's a very short read) : How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda MacDonald.

8 - And you may find this book helpful: Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself 
by Melody Beattie


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## VladDracul

Bibi1031 said:


> sex-a-thon with meathead eh.
> 
> Dump her like yesterday's garbage. Before dumping expose as far and wide as your screams can muster. She deserves no less.



I think his options to keep her or ditch her are not there. He can either lead or follow getting out of the marriage but its over for her. She may be willing to temporarily hang around if he simple turns a blind eye to her seeing other guys. As far as exposing, I be happy to simply jettison this loose cargo before she can do even more damage. If our man Bellyscratch is motivated by believing he needs to help her experience her own pain as a consequence of her actions, expose tell the cows come home.


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## Chaparral

Since this isn’t her first rodeo, she is a serial cheater. Think mentally broken. Serial cheaters are unfortunately not fixable. Even if she wanted to she will never be a safe partner.

Google serial cheater.


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## turnera

Bellyscratch said:


> The Primal Scream tour is just that. My hobby is adventure riding with a couple of my best motorcycle friends. I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska riding to Deadhorse, Alaska and the Artic Ocean. I am eating dinner at the one of the few restaurants with wi-fi and I believe I am overstating my welcome.


How often do you do this hobby each year? For how long are you gone each time?


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## sa58

Serial cheater, no kids.

Divorce lawyer and file.

Expose her to your family 
and friends. 

Move on quickly and don't look back.
She is not worth your time or energy.

Lean on your friends they will be there
for you. She will not, probably never has 
been.


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## blazer prophet

sa58 said:


> Serial cheater, no kids.
> 
> Divorce lawyer and file.
> 
> Expose her to your family
> and friends.
> 
> Move on quickly and don't look back.
> She is not worth your time or energy.
> 
> Lean on our friends they will be there
> for you. She will not, probably never has
> been.


^^This

In this situation, I really see no hope. Sorry to say that, but it's best to put this lady behind you.


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## SunCMars

I did that ride to Alaska right out of high school, umpteen years ago. We went up on the Alaskan Highway, through British Columbia.

Four of us went up in a beat up, 1954 Chevy Bel Air sedan. We rolled it twice on the curved top (gravel) portions. The army pulled us out twice.

I don't think there was a straight piece of sheet metal on the car.

We drove the car back to the Midwest and my friend then drove it straight to the junkyard.

After that, I went straight into the Army, soon to Vietnam.
All three of those fellow riders have since ridden into Heaven.





[THM]- THRD


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## skerzoid

Bellyscratch

You have this right.

1.*Separate finances immediately.* Include getting new credit cards and dump the old ones.

2. *File now.* Have her served at work. If she ever comes around, you can slow or stop the process.

3. *Have STD test done today.* You don't know where his **** has been. https://wgno.com/2019/06/06/one-million-stds-diagnosed-every-day-world-health-organization-finds/

4. *180 technique religiously.* https://affaircare.com/the-180/

5. *No sex with her if you are sure about the divorce.* Judge will take it as forgiveness.

6. *Expose to her and your friends & family.* Out her for what she is.

7. *Give the butcher one star reviews if he has a website.*

8. *Get her to move out if you can.*

9. *Ask her if she is out of clean lingerie when showing her the post about what she had on under the dress.*>


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## MattMatt

Divorce. But you already know that, don't you?


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## TDSC60

You gave her a chance to reconcile and she though it right back in your face.

File and get rid of this anchor and chain ASAP. Then take "Freebird Ride" with your friends.

Oh - BTW - you do not love her. You love the woman you thought she was. She is not that woman and she has shown you that.


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## [email protected]

Bellyscratch, take a look at what Skerzoid posted. You won't get better adive.


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## 3Xnocharm

Divorce. Dont even try to reconcile. She was a cheater before you ever even married.


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## bandit.45

When you get back home, start the divorce process immediately. She has checked out brother. She's gone. 

Then start doing the 180 as shown below. The 180 will help you to emotionally distance yourself from her so that her actions and behaviors won't impact you as much. 



> So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
> fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
> 
> Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
> 
> 
> This 180 list may help.
> --------------------------
> 
> 
> For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
> 
> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> 4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
> 5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
> 6. Do not ask for help from family members.
> 7. Do not ask for reassurances.
> 8. Do not buy gifts.
> 9. Do not schedule dates together.
> 10. Do not spy on spouse.
> 11. Do not say "I Love You".
> 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
> 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
> 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
> 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
> 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
> 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
> 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
> 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
> 20. All questions about marriage should be put on
> hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
> 21. Never lose your cool.
> 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
> 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
> 24. Be patient
> 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
> 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
> 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
> 28. Be strong and confident.
> 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
> CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
> 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
> 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
> 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
> 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
> 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
> 
> 
> 2 things to think about if you do this:
> 
> 1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
> 
> 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## VladDracul

Belly, have you give any thought to simply keep riding and not returning? What's she going to do, bang another guy. At your age you could easily recover any financial losses when you don't have a vampire feeding off your blood.


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## ABHale

Thank goodness for great friends!!!!!

The 180. Read it do it. 

Talk with your lawyer. 

If he says it’s alright, kick your WW out of your bedroom when you get home. 

Do not leave the home with your things still there. She mine sell it all or give it away. Have seen it happen.


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## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> Update:
> 
> Well, make it to Anchorage after several days and around 1300 miles. Before I get to my wife, anyone who ever have wanted to travel in Alaska, I highly recommend it. Beautiful scenery and plenty of wildlife. The Dalton Highway is one of two roads in North America that crosses the Arctic Circle. It is the one used in the T.V. show "Ice Road Truckers" and when dry and the road turns to dirt, the dust from the truckers is so bad that you have to stop and let the dust settle. When wet, the chemical calcium chloride is sprayed to keep the dust down makes the road very slippery, kind of like riding on chicken fat. On of my buddies fell because of this and dislocated his shoulder blade and broke 2 ribs (according to the Anchorage doctor). We put his shoulder into place (thanks Rugby), taped his ribs, gave him a shot of Jack Danial's and off we went. This trip and these guys have been my life line to reality over the weeks and if it wasn't for them, I don't know where I would be. Never underestimate power of friendship.
> 
> Anyway, back to my cheating wife. Let me start where I noticed her changing in our relationship. We have been married under 10 years with no kids. We talked about kids and were excited about the future idea of children, but she wanted to wait till her education was completed and she had time at work to take advantage of the hospitals pre and post natal care benefits. Anyway, after some time working, she signed up for the hospitals soccer team. They are a intramural team which plays in the city's league. I always thought it was for singles to meet but it appears that married people are involved to meet singles or other married men. My wife met this neighbor during one of their after game booze parties. I use to go to all her games when I could, but now she just says she will be late and not tell me she has a game, so I never know when they play. Her schedule is sent out via email which I am not privy to. Anyway, she started to get real moody and confrontational any time I talked to her. She says I am never home, by the way, she has always been gone over 10 hours a day from the commute and work. She has done this from day one of her job. I never had any suspicion to think anything was up. She also started to be attached to her phone all day and night, short conversations when someone calls her, texts all night long, saying she is working more overtime hours while her paychecks remain the same (strange right!). She is staying over at her girlfriends house every Friday night. Says she goes out after work and crashes at the GF's house. In the beginning I checked up on this and found that she was indeed at her house after a night of drinking. So all is good, I thought.
> 
> She crawled in one Saturday morning all zombie looking and states the "Sorry, love you lots but not in love" bull****. OK, fine. Like I said, I have seen this attitude and non verbal cues before, so I thought she was doing something again. So a little bit about me. I currently work in law enforcement and am assigned to a violent offender task force in my city. I have been on this assignment for most of my career. It does have a lot of non scheduled work hours, but I have always communicated with my wife on how she feels about this work schedule and she has always stated that she was excited for me and had no issues.
> 
> I found out about the affair really by dumb luck. My work car died one day so I took my wife's POV to a conference I had to attend. *Well, I forgot my briefcase in the car when my wife took it to work and a conversation she had between herself and someone else about meeting for dinner at the usual time and what she will not be wearing under her dress was recorded on my work voice activated recorder located in my bag. I was at my desk and wanted to review my notes from the conference I recorded and I heard her conversation. Well, it didn't really surprise me but it was totally annihilating. I had my partner listen to the tape and all he said was "get a lawyer now".*
> 
> She is a serial cheater. Get the divorce started. "The usual time" means she has a standing dinner date with another. And mention of what she will not be wearing is an invitation. But you know all this.
> 
> I also told several of my good friends regarding my wife's affair and one mentioned the Alaska motorcycle trip they were taking in a week and said that I was going with them, no questions, no complaining. So this is how I am now riding in the rain and mud up in Alaska with three of the best people i know.
> 
> I told my wife I was leaving on this trip (I have lots of Annual and Medical leave I need to burn so no time issues for me) and if she needs to get a hold of me to call my best friend Jerry. Jerry is also one of the best young attorneys in my city. My wife does not know this yet, because I am going to get my ducks in a row before dropping the Divorce bomb on her.
> I have only had to stop a scream at the pain only 4 to 5 times per day. I really helps me clear me head and now my buddies scream with me. I guess everyone has a scream in them now and then.
> 
> So now I am on the final leg of the trip and facing the unknown at home. I don't know where to start so any ideas would be a great help. I know of No Contact, which I am doing now, but I am not home and I don't know how I am going to handle it. *The trip kept my mind focused but it is starting to unravel into constant thinking about my marriage, how I truly love my wife, but I cannot condone her behavior and I can't live with the thought of her.*
> 
> Nostalgia. Thinking about what you thought were good times is common. The only problem is that is what you thought at the time before you found out she was cheating. Your marriage was not what you thought it was. Also you love the wife you thought you had and the marriage you thought you had. It was all a lie. She is not really that woman. She is someone else entirely. She has now shown you who and what she really is. Can you love a woman who chases after other men?
> 
> I will talk to my friend/attorney when I get home and take the leash off and file ASAP. *What will she try to do or say to change my mind about the divorce if she wants to reconcile or what do I do if she wants to cut bait and end it all? This is what is consuming my thoughts now. What a sh** show and I am the main attraction, yea for me.*


She will deny all at first. Do not be tempted to show her evidence. Just say "I know what you have been doing". As for reconciling - given her history can you ever trust her again? Will you life be better without the constant worry about what your wife is doing when you are not around? Who makes more money? Lots of cheaters go for false R because they do not want to give up the money their husband beings in.


----------



## Decorum

.


----------



## alte Dame

You ask for advice for what to do if.....she wants reconciliation, she just wants to split, she wants....

You should decide for yourself that you won't be married to someone like this and then just see it through.

It's your life to live, not hers. It doesn't matter how she reacts. Be decisive and strong and things will take care of themselves. A year from now you will be on your annual Primal Scream ride and she will be far in the distance in your rearview mirror.


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## Robert22205

You're on a roller coaster and can't ride this alone. Lean on us to cry or just vent.
You are not the first to walk this path nor are you alone.

How are you doing?


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## VFW

I agree with you on Alaska, I lived there for 2 years back in the 80's, just north of Delta Junction. You are taking a good course, get your thoughts in order, consult with an attorney and then file. Having a plan is key to staying ahead of the game. Don't feel that you have to prove your evidence to her, as she will deny anyway. Keep this information for court if it is pertinent and just move on with life. She is a serial cheater and not worth another minute of your time.


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## Stormguy2018

skerzoid said:


> Bellyscratch
> 
> You have this right.
> 
> 1.*Separate finances immediately.* Include getting new credit cards and dump the old ones.
> 
> 2. *File now.* Have her served at work. If she ever comes around, you can slow or stop the process.
> 
> 3. *Have STD test done today.* You don't know where his **** has been. https://wgno.com/2019/06/06/one-million-stds-diagnosed-every-day-world-health-organization-finds/
> 
> 4. *180 technique religiously.* https://affaircare.com/the-180/
> 
> 5. *No sex with her if you are sure about the divorce.* Judge will take it as forgiveness.
> 
> 6. *Expose to her and your friends & family.* Out her for what she is.
> 
> 7. *Give the butcher one star reviews if he has a website.*
> 
> 8. *Get her to move out if you can.*
> 
> 9. *Ask her if she is out of clean lingerie when showing her the post about what she had on under the dress.*>


All this. Whatever you do, do not stay with her. She's proven she can't keep her panties on.

This guy is having sex with a LE officers wife? He really is a Meathead.


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## TDSC60

How's it going BS?

Back home yet?

Any updates?


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## Bellyscratch

Update:

To all who replied while I was out of communication, I just want to say thank you so much. I have read all comments and truly appreciate the help afforded by board members. I have not had any communication with my wife so it will be interesting how this will all play out.

So on to the update. After 5200 miles on a motorcycle I am safely in my hometown at my friends house. My wife thinks I will be home in a couple of days so I am getting ready for possible war with the confrontation, denial, trickle truth, crying, et. all. I am getting this from reading all the other unfortunate posters on here that have opened up to complete strangers to help with the most darkest times in your life. Or she might say "it is all over and you need to leave". It is the spectrum of what could and can happen that is driving me nuts.

I have not been able to do any investigation regarding if the affair is still active or completely done. The closer my ride got to my home town the higher my anxiety level grew to a point that I was getting physically sick and showing signs of depression. The real reason my friends basically kidnapped me for this ride is because they have been through it themselves, some of them numerous times. So this ride was not only fun, but also therapeutic. Unfortunately, what I was getting from them was how bitter they still were even after numerous years since their divorce. They always talked me out of calling her and telling her that I know she is still seeing the meat dude. They were good listeners but not so much the Dear Abby I needed. So that is why I am continuing on this site.  I need people who can see the big picture. I picked up on her diversion sooner than the first one, but this is the last straw, I am done.

So my best friend is also my attorney. He was voted last year as one of the top attorneys in the West Coast. He is also a divorce attorney, and he is mine. He read over the texts and said they were pretty damning, but I need more information. This were I am extremely lucky. The team I work with conduct investigations, surveillance, interviews and arrests. On my last day before my trip, we were all having lunch and I told them everything. We have worked years together and they will die for me and I will die for them. They are closer than my family. After, they all said that they would love to help catcher her in the act. I only agreed if they did it on their personal time and didn't use agency resources. No problem. So today they all came over to my friend's house and we went over what they did. I have to say, if these guys were hunting my down for doing something illegal, I would be scared to death.
After several days of surveillance they did indeed catch her cheating on me. Apparently, my wife and "meat" would meet every Thursday night at a Italian restaurant in another close by town and have "date night". Something we used to do all the time, but stopped several months ago when she lost interest. Not only did they have pictures and video but audio as well. I have to say, I never have so humiliated, sad and despondent until I saw and heard what they said. They were talking about their future, children, houses all the while just bashing the He!! out of me. Why would a person who you thought loved you can say such hurtful things about you. I felt like I was having an out of body experience looking at my best friends faces as if they were in a kaleidoscope. It was frighting, and I never really get frightened. 

So this is where I am now. I have texts, pictures and video with audio. My attorney now says "now we're working with oil". I don't know what this means, he may be smart but he really is a dweeb. So I think that I will go home and act like everything is good to try to get a reading on her. I don't know how long this will last but I don't know a good starting point to all this, if you know what I mean.

Some things in my favor:

1. house is mine and was mine before the marriage.
2. a vested interest in a uniform store that now has several locations
3. strong friend and family base
4. a good job that pays pretty well


Things not in my favor:

1. a cheating, vindictive, soulless bones from the Master wife.

Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance. 

-E-


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## syhoybenden

All you need to know ... check.

Ducks in a row ... not quite, yet. Get everything sorted out as to how you want it to go down.

Boom to be lowered .... exactly how hard do you want it to come down, on whom, and where.

You got this. Godspeed.


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## OutofRetirement

Nobody initially posts here how to get divorced. To divorce, all you do is follow your lawyer's advice.

People post here to save their marriage. Once in a while they are in a roller coaster like you, wanting divorce one day and wanting the cheater to come crawling back apologizing the next.

So divorce is easy, just follow your friend Jerry's advice. If you can move out or get her to move out, it's easier physically and emotionally. Let the affair continue, because your wife will be focused on her pre-owned lover and her extramarital bliss and she'll let the divorce go smoother. Don't poke the bear. You can give her verbal jabs after the divorce is final.

If you divorce, you'll have to tell her why. The "you love me but not in-love with me" is good enough, you can tell her you now feel the same, best to end this mess so we can get on with our lives and find someone else we'll both be in love with. If she wants to suddenly fight for the marriage, you can let her (I assume that is why you are on this site - the part of you that hopes she does this.) If you want her, or you're just not sure but want to give it a wait-and-see, then let her earn it. Tell her for you to even think about staying with her, she'd have to change a lot of stuff, for one thing the truth. Tell her you know she's been cheating and she'd like to tell you the truth. You'd like her to end the affair. You'd like her to commit to you. And you'd like her to prove her love for you. I have to be honest, no cheater the way you described your wife EVER comes around like that. In an affair like hers, it NEVER happens. She really does believe she is in love with the Meathead, and she really believes his future-faking lies about having kids. So your wife won't commit. If you are separated, it might be tough to know if she still is cheating. Two-three weeks into her claiming to be committed to you, get a private investigator (stop using your friends for this), and you'll get the bad news (really, long-term, probably good news).

A bit about cheating. Of course your wife wants you and wants to stay married to you. She could have left you anytime she wanted. She didn't. Why? Because she wants the Meathead AND she wants you, too. She wants you BOTH. That's why cheaters cheat. They want more than what is allowed in the "rules" of marriage or monogamy. She wants the new-man courting her feelings, and the old stable love who unconditionally loves her feelings. So she will not want to get divorced. Also, she knows the Meathead did not leave his wife, either, and your wife knows damn well he could leave his wife if he wants to. But he doesn't. Isn't love grand? These cheaters are so well matched.

Cheating is a form of wrongdoing. Your wife knows it is wrong, that's why she's not open about it. As a law enforcement officer, think about criminal wrongdoing. Cheating is not criminal, but the wrongdoing part of it is somewhat the same mentally. The way criminals justify, rationalize, minimize their wrongdoing. Same with your wife. She will come around the same way the criminals do. Slowly, if ever.


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## Stormguy2018

Bellyscratch said:


> Update:
> 
> 
> Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance.
> 
> -E-


Keep your cool when you confront her. And, seeing as how it's YOUR house, kick her out. 

Out her to family, friends, the world.

You're going to go through a roller coaster of emotions. Take care of yourself - eat right, no booze, exercise, sleep.

Thankfully you don't have to do the lawyer search. That's a real plus.

Hang in there.


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## ButtPunch

No confrontation necessary

Surprise her with the divorce summons

She already knows why

No explanation needed


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## SunCMars

alte Dame said:


> You ask for advice for what to do if.....she wants reconciliation, she just wants to split, she wants....
> 
> You should decide for yourself that you won't be married to someone like this and then just see it through.
> 
> It's your life to live, not hers. It doesn't matter how she reacts. Be decisive and strong and things will take care of themselves. A year from now you will be on your annual Primal Scream ride and she will be far in the distance in your rearview mirror.


And after the divorce the *Primal Scream* will be one of *Joy!*





[THM]- Lilith McGarvey


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## TDSC60

No need for a great confrontation. Just follow your attorney's advise. He will know what you can and cannot do legally - such as ask her to leave the house or change the locks.

Open a bank account in your name only. If you have direct deposit of your pay, switch it to that account.

When attorney says GO - take 50% of any joint back accounts and put into your new account.

Remove her as beneficiary on any insurance policies.

Remove her from any investment accounts.

Change your will.

Do not tell her about any of the surveillance done by your buddies. And do not show her what you have. 

Stay away from alcohol. 

See your doctor for an STD check and for something to calm your nerves and depression.

Your wife is a serial cheater who never considered herself married. I have never heard of a serial cheater who has made a successful change and became a faithful wife.

Keep that VAR on yourself anytime she is near. False DV charges are common.

Consider having her served Divorce papers while she is on her regular Thursday night date with Meathead. Failing that have her served at work.


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## Robert22205

It sounds like your suffering from PTSD. Have you talked to your doctor about help sleeping and dealing with the anger/anxiety?

Thank you for your update. Your future updates, strategy and lessons learned contributes to the collective wisdom of this website - and will help the next victim of infidelity. 

I'm sorry you're in this mess. You don't deserve this. You are 50% responsible for marriage issues - but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat.
Everyone has issues and there are many coping mechanisms available to satisfy her needs - but she chose to cheat. 

She is not the girl you married. Somehow/somewhere she changed and you must protect yourself.
She has mentally rewritten her marriage and vilified you in order to blame you for her cheating (and to justify hurting you and blowing up your life).

None of their trash talk about you is based on fact. The OM does not know you and simply mirrors whatever she needs to hear in order to keep the affair going.

IMO it's likely that you have about 30 days where she will be dreaming of life with the OM. During that time, she'll be very receptive to getting her own place and speeding up the divorce process. Ask your attorney to prepare a settlement agreement for her to sign (in advance of a final divorce decree). 

Why? Because it's highly probable that the OM will not want to marry her. When the affair ends and she realizes the OM has dumped her and she's alone - she'll fight like hell to reconcile with you (at first begging & crying saying she's sorry - and then legally to delay hoping you'll change your mind - and then if that fails she'll extract as much as possible from you financially). Not out of love but out of self survival.


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## Robert22205

Reread Bandit.45's post on the 180. It's intended to help you recover from this trauma.

You are not alone.


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## 3Xnocharm

Bellyscratch said:


> So this is where I am now. I have texts, pictures and video with audio. My attorney now says "now we're working with oil". I don't know what this means, he may be smart but he really is a dweeb. So I think that I will go home and act like everything is good to try to get a reading on her. I don't know how long this will last but I don't know a good starting point to all this, if you know what I mean.
> 
> Some things in my favor:
> 
> 1. house is mine and was mine before the marriage.
> 2. a vested interest in a uniform store that now has several locations
> 3. strong friend and family base
> 4. a good job that pays pretty well
> 
> 
> Things not in my favor:
> 
> 1. a cheating, vindictive, soulless bones from the Master wife.
> 
> Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance.
> 
> -E-


I guess it depends on what it is you want. Do you want to out her and let her know you know everything she has been up to? Personally, this would be MY angle. If so, then get all your financials squared, (new bank account, direct deposit, split the savings, etc..), file for divorce with your lawyer friend, then drop a few pictures of her and Meathead on the table in front of her. Calm and cool as a cucumber. Then let her know she needs to get out of your house.


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## Decorum

.


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## ABHale

Decorum said:


> Don't say a word.
> 
> Have her served with divorce papers at the Italian restaurant on a Thursday night.
> 
> Nuff said!


Yes this!!!!!


----------



## the guy

In my case...I just showed my old lady the evidence and asked "do you love him" and the conversation began. It was calm and collective and we just talked honestly.


In a case like yours....you already know the answer and you already know the out come here. I suggest you just have her served. I would even talk to her about her A until she gets served.

Then you can have it out if you want. I mean what else do you and her have to talk about?
I mean do you think she really cares? 

Not until the OM bails on her will she even think twice in what she had. 

From were I'm sitting, you are doing her a favor so just get out with the least amount of bull crap that you will have to listen to.

At some point she will ask you why you are D her and then you can just say nothing and let her wonder for the rest of her life. At some point the A will have to come out put until then.....way even deal with the POSWW.


----------



## the guy

At the end of the day you want answers, closure, and maybe just to hear her out I guess.

So just do what you feel you need to do, but keep in mind at the end of the confrontation you may very well be exactly where you are before the confrontation.

But for what its worth...do you really want to listen to all the blaming, rewriting of history, and all the lying?

She doesn't know you know she talks shyt about you and you want to confront her an listen to her craziness?

"you weren't there for me"
"it was just a fling"
"it didn't mean any thing"

or

" I love him"
" you suck as a man"
" you abuse me"
" I hate you"
" I'm calling the cops"

My point is.... it's all nonsense.....what's the point in confronting a person like this?

I say wait until she is served. Make it real for her then! Until then who cares what she has to say or what she know.

One thing is for sure...it will drive her crazy not knowing what you know. Especially if she gets the papers and find you are claiming infidelity.

Can you sue the OM...have him served the same day as WW for alienation of affection. 

That's my $0.02


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## Livvie

ABHale said:


> Decorum said:
> 
> 
> 
> Don't say a word.
> 
> Have her served with divorce papers at the Italian restaurant on a Thursday night.
> 
> Nuff said!
> 
> 
> 
> Yes this!!!!!
Click to expand...

I third this. Having her served with divorce papers at the restaurant with him... priceless. Absolutely.


----------



## OutofRetirement

Best way to confront, in my opinion:
1. Tell Meathead's wife, who will tell Meathead
, who will tell your wife.
2. Have a server give her divorce papers at the coed softball game.
3. When she is out at her coed game, or at her Thursday night date, pack up all her stuff in big heavy-duty plastic garbage bags and drop them off at the Meathead's front yard.


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## skerzoid

bellyscratch

1. *I think the restaurant serving is the best idea.* Shock & Awe!:wink2:

2. *Ghost her afterwards.* Stay someplace else, with a friend or at a hotel.

3. *All communications through your lawyer.*

4. *If you must speak with her, use 180 techniques.*

5. *Never reveal your sources of information.* It will bug the **** out of them.

6. *Always run your ideas through your lawyer.* He may be a dweeb, but that's what you need strategy-wise. *This is a military operation.* You need an emotionless planner for your first and following strikes. You need to remain remorseless. 

7. *Good luck.* *She should be left swinging in the wind, with or without panties.*>


----------



## Blondilocks

Every state on the West coast is no-fault as well as most west of the Rockies.

Is your attorney going for financial infidelity which might impact division of assets?

I don't understand your hand wringing. You can tell her you don't like her hair color as a reason for divorce and there would be no repercussions. If you're done - you're done. Why are you scared of her?

"Now we're working with oil" may have the same meaning as "Now we're cooking with gas" - we've got the good stuff (versus having to chuck wood on the fire).


----------



## VFW

Sounds like you are one target with the legal issues, follow his advise as we tend to be too engaged with the situation to make good decisions, let him do his job. As for you, you have things that you need to do as well. I recommend exercise to help with the stress, this will make a healthier you and serve you well moving forward. Start setting new events for you and the kids, taco night, movie night, bike rides, whatever is a good group fun event. Generally, they just want your time and attention and will be helpful to all you to work through the situation. Make time for you to enjoy your hobbies and friends or start one that you have always wanted to do. You need to get so busy with your life that you don't have time for her or her problems.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Bellyscratch said:


> Update:
> My wife thinks I will be home in a couple of days so I am getting ready for possible war with the confrontation, denial, trickle truth, crying, et. all. I am getting this from reading all the other unfortunate posters on here that have opened up to complete strangers to help with the most darkest times in your life. *Or she might say "it is all over and you need to leave*". It is the spectrum of what could and can happen that is driving me nuts.
> -E-



NO! If it's over, SHE needs to leave. 

Especially since it was your house before the marriage. But I think in general, if SHE wants out, then SHE should leave.


----------



## Decorum

.


----------



## SunCMars

Uh, everything has been mentioned, said, thrice.

...........................................................................................

May I add?
Do not take out your frustration with your right hand.

Your right hand?

Your' throttle hand, twisting the life out of it...forward, watching the bikes' tachometer climb, watching the minutes you live above ground, dive, getting smaller by the second.

I would be tempted, have been, this.

Just Sayin'





[THM]- THRD


----------



## SunCMars

Decorum said:


> If she says it's over crack a slight smile and say, "Now we are on the same page, I will make it happen!".
> 
> It can put her confidence back on her heels, and help you have some emotional advantage as you prosecute your divorce suit.
> 
> Show confidence and even some masterful amusement.


Borrow a line, add, saying, _"Free, I'm free at last, yes!"_.





[THM]- TT I


----------



## TJW

alte Dame said:


> It's your life to live, not hers. It doesn't matter how she reacts.


This is the paramount consideration. Her cheating proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that she doesn't give a carpenter's damn about you, your welfare, your self-image, your happiness.... 

A person like this cannot be allowed to "matter" in your thinking. Do what you want, be what you want, and let the chips fall. Let her pick them up.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

TJW said:


> This is the paramount consideration. Her cheating proves, beyond any reasonable doubt, that she doesn't give a *carpenter's damn* about you, your welfare, your self-image, your happiness....
> 
> A person like this cannot be allowed to "matter" in your thinking. Do what you want, be what you want, and let the chips fall. Let her pick them up.


 Purdy sure that is a "Tinker's Dam" not carpenter damn. 
Besides, I take offense to that being a carpenter and all.:grin2:


----------



## Bellyscratch

*Re: My wife is cheating: The Primal Scream ride: Update*

Yep, I am still alive. I arrived to my home town several days ago and have been holding up at my friend Jerry's house. My wife still believes I will arrive home this Friday. Before I left, I told her to call Jerry if she needed anything because we both have satellite phones. According to Jerry, she has called him on average 2 to 4 tines a day. We agreed he could monitor these calls and let me know if any where an emergency. Apparently he did not think anything she said was that important because he did not call once. Great friend. 

A little about my riding partners. Of the three, two are divorced and one never married. I thought they would give me great advise, but all they were are bitter divorced men still pissed off with their ex wives. Perfect. In fact, I tried my hardest to not talk about my cheating wife because it always led back to their marriage war stories. So I am back to rely on the wisdom of this collective with my absolute gut shot of a situation.

So on to the update. I arrived at Jerry's house and he filled me in on what is going on. He is also friends with most of my work friends on my team. He filled me in on all the wife's calls and how he thinks she is fishing for some information. He could not get anything cheating wise out of her. So the following morning the rest of my team members show up and we all go out to breakfast. FYI, while I was gone, they took it upon themselves to surveil the comings and goings of my wife on their time off. This is what they filled me in on. Every night while I was gone, my wife would trollop (possibly skipping) off to the neighbors house to spend the night, which I could only presume, was to read Bible passages. They also followed her on the weekends were my wife and "meat man" would travel to other towns and act like a real cuddly married couple. Also, when my wife would say she was going out every Friday with co-workers or girlfriends, she would actually meet the POS at an Italian restaurant where they would have a nice romantic dinner. This happened every Friday night I was away. By this time I was not sad or really that mad at the information they were giving me. Because one thing this long ride did do for me is to think about everything in my marriage. I won't go into much detail because with so many random thoughts going through my head over a 4300 mile motorcycle ride, if I wrote them all down you would have me committed. But with all the superfluous crazy thinking set aside, I came to a clarifying thought. And it is ... I cannot control my wife's actions and she has free will to do what she wants. I am not her parent nor her prison guard. So if my wife is seeking something from someone else and not me, especially sex, then she has let another man step between myself and her and this is not acceptable. She is selfish, manipulative and mean spirited ... and a cheater. I used this as almost a mantra over all those miles, occasionally stopping and screaming what a ***** she is. So when I got to Jerry's, I guess my mind was made up and I was somewhat calm. I still had visceral angry feelings periodically, but they cooled over the weeks.

So now I am going down the divorce route (is there union or club dues I need to pay to belong to the TAM club), or is being married to my bones of the master wife enough. Anyway, Jerry has agreed to take me on as a client. I didn't hire him before the ride so there would not be a conflict of interest if she called him while I was riding. Now Jerry is one of the top mediation attorneys in my area and he is really good... so he keeps telling me (lol). So the plan is to move back home and pretend everything is fine and wait till the paperwork is filed and she can be served.

This is what I have going for me:

1. I bought and payed for my house before marriage, so it is mine outright.
2. I have interest in a professional uniform chain, but I deferred all profit sharing until I want to take it.
3. I own all our vehicles and are in my name.
4. I have a blossoming retirement portfolio which she will get a chunk.

So I am asking for help regarding any suggestions in how to deal with my wife before she is served and how do I keep my sanity as my emotions go up and down over these next months and most likely for years.

Any suggestions will be appreciated.


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## Bellyscratch

The Guy. Man...I think you are spot on. I am just waiting to hear the excuses. In fact we all should have a contest on which excuse she will drop first. I am thinking "you never paid attention to me" which would be extremely ironic. It really doesn't matter though does it? An excuse is an excuse. She can say any one of the popular excuses found on this forum. She will use any excuse that will stick, one that will make her look good and me like Charles Manson's torture guru. She knows what she wants to do and that is to canoodle with the meat guy. So what she tells me is just BS anyway.


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## Bellyscratch

Livvie said:


> I third this. Having her served with divorce papers at the restaurant with him... priceless. Absolutely.


You can be served by a deputy Sheriff or anyone over 18. Well looky looky, I am a deputy Sheriff and so is my partner. I think service during their dessert portion of their romantic dinner sounds like a solid plan.


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## Bellyscratch

Thank you for your reply. I have never been divorced and I am finding there are pitfalls and obstacles and the unknown waiting for me so any ammunition would be helpful. I will listen to my attorney, but he is not with me 24 hours a day. It is the times when I am alone and thinking about everything that can or will happen that gets my mind spinning. It is during these times I reaching out to the group to give suggestions based upon their experiences.


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## Bellyscratch

So...I posted my story about three times already, so everyone should be up to date. I don't know why I did it, but I did.


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## Chaparral

My only advice is to get Jerry to move as fast as you can. You cannot save your wife. She chose this path. It was no mistake.


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## lucy999

Just remember that cheaters lie. Don't believe a word that comes out of your wife's mouth, no matter how good it sounds or how badly you want to believe her. If you feel yourself getting soft, gather your anger. Remember she gave herself to another man.

Do NOT have sex with her. Trust me. She will try. Think of an excuse not to.

How long before Jerry can get the paperwork done? He needs to be quick.

Stay busy so you don't have to be around her alot.

And, I'm really sorry you're a part of The Club. No one wants to be a member.


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## Taxman

Perfect scenario: Have Jerry write up the divorce filing before Saturday. Call her and tell her you are delayed a few days, and see if she goes off with meathead for their weekly dinner. Watch them from outside the restaurant, between the appetizer and main course, stride in, tell them they're busted, and serve her. Turn, and walk out. While she was at the restaurant, your locksmith has changed the locks on the house. By Sunday, she can find everything she owns in garbage bags on the lawn. By Monday, everyone she knows hears that you are divorcing her for adultery. Next, fix Meathead. Let every husband know he is a wife predator. That should equal a reduction in his sales.


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## TDSC60

Remember. None of this is your fault. Sure you had problems in your marriage, most couples do. But bringing in another person for sex is wrong. Your wife is now living two lives. One with a faithful husband who provides a home and support and another life of a single party girl.

Do not listen to any excuses or justifications she gives.

How can you act normal around her? That's a tough one. But do not have sex with her. 

Get tested for STDs.


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## Robert22205

How long will it take to have her served?
When are you both home at the same time?

Protect yourself against a false claim of domestic abuse to get you out of the house.

Living with a cheater (and pretending you don't know) is one of the most difficult stages. Distance helps. Some BS faked being sick and slept in the spare bedroom. 

I can't tell you how many of us BS were not able to live the lie. When the WS starts lying you may be overcome with anger and reveal that you know she's cheating. Carry a VAR in order to record the confrontation and/or subsequent conversations. 

IMO you should prepare a plan B consisting of:
- what you plan to say
- what not to say
- how to exit (spare bedroom or a hotel room) 

Stay on script. Show no emotion to her (no anger or sadness). 

During the confrontation, Do Not:
- answer her questions 
- respond to her excuses
- respond to "we're just friends"

If you're looking for something to say tweak this as needed:

I know that you are committing adultery with Meathead. While I accept 50% responsibility for marital issues, you are 100% responsible for your decision to commit adultery. You are free to date and have sex with anyone you like - however, not as my wife.
Therefore, I have initiated the paperwork to divorce you. Let me help you pack a bag and move in with Meathead.

[Her immediate response could be anything from collapsing on the floor and begging...to accepting the divorce but claiming "they're just friends"]


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## Blondilocks

The man is a butcher who is fooling around with a cop's wife. Is he nuts? That's so stupid; it's like bringing a knife to a gunfight.


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## michzz

One thing about the restaurant serving of the divorce paperwork. 

Under no circumstances should you personally do this.

Two reasons.

1. It is not a legal serving of the papers, a third party has to do it.

2. A confrontation will harm your long-term interests no matter how satisfying it may be at the time. And, there is risk it goes badly. And why mess up everyone else's dinner in the restaurant?


In any event, divorce her!

Move on, get tested for STIs.

You got this better than most of us have.


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## 3Xnocharm

I just wanted to say that you have some amazing friends, sir!


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## nekonamida

You have an amazing grasp on the situation and will be just fine when this is all over. You've got this!


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## bandit.45

I recommend you have her served by a third party. At the same time she is being served, send out a text message and maybe e-mails to her family and your family telling them that you are divorcing her for adultery and she is being served that day. You don't need to give them details. Just tell them you have hard physical evidence of her infidelity and that you can prove it. 

This is called going nuclear. You strike first, informing all who care that you are not the one who is at fault for the marriage imploding. Because when they start blowing up her phone... all hell is going to break loose. Turn off your phone and just plan on being gone that day. Let the train wreck unfold while you stand to the side and watch. She will be angry, mortified, panicking, scared as hell and wondering where you are and watching her world collapse around her. 

Let her drown in her own cauldron.


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## Decorum

.


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## skerzoid

Bellyscratch

So far so good. Remember whatever your thoughts are, *SHOCK AND AWE ARE YOUR BEST TACTICS!
*
1. *Try as hard as you can to hold off confrontation till she is served.*

2. *Contact friends and family at the same time she is served.* Get conformation that the serving is happening before you contact them.

3. *Post or email the news.* I don't know if you facebook or other social media.

4. *Do not answer the phone.* Do not answer texts. 

5. *Have the locks changed on your house.* It's your house.

6. *Bag her stuff and put in storage.* Send her a key and tell her you paid for a month.

7. *If you can get out of town and ghost her for a few days, that would be great.* However, she will probably show up at your office. Leave word that she is not allowed to come into the office if you can. 

8. *She will try to get in touch through friends.* Let them know to stay out of it.

9. *You eventually will have to have contact with her, but let her stew in her own juices for a while.* This might be a problem if she's not wearing panties however.>

10. *When you do speak with her, write up some notes beforehand with what you want to say.* Have your proof but don't say how you got it. Emotions will run high, so its good to have your reactions to her reactions planned out in advance.

11. *Be sure to keep her at arms length, so to speak, as much as possible.*

12. *Continue to act with courage, strength, and decisive action.* Leave her with that memory of you, not one of a man begging her. Stay strong buddy. *The people that do this with strength are the ones who came through this intact.*


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## Blondilocks

I would caution you to check with your lawyer before locking her out of the house. It may be yours but it is still her legal residence and she has rights.


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## mickybill

In CA you need to have a third party, a deputy or process server, or service by mail.
In retrospect I kinda wish a LASD deputy had served her at the school but I sent her the papers along with a christmas card.


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## Bellyscratch

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I truly mean this. I download the all responses, and my friends and I actually read and discuss the comments and which ones really apply to my situations. Some discussions become heated in how some of the cheating spouses treat some BS's. In my work I have seen some pretty terrible people, but some don't compare to how some of these spouses try to hurt, humiliate and throw away hurting husbands and wives without a concern in the world. Pathetic.

Anyway, I went home to today (two days earlier then she expected), and I have to admit she looked a little perplexed. So walk through the door and I try to act like all is copacetic with our marriage. Expecting a kiss and hug after so many weeks, I got a deer in the headlight look from her. No kiss, no hug just asking why I am home early. She then she says "...I have Thursday and Friday night all ready booked with friends because I thought you would be home on Saturday. Nope baby..."Daddy's home". So I go and unpack and take a shower so she would have time to call her POS, which she did. How do I know she called, because I read all the comments to record all conversations. I have to tell a secret, before I left I placed recorders throughout the house, with each device recording up to 50 to 60 hours before being full. Now in my State, you need two person consent. I will use these recordings as a foundation for the divorce, but if it goes to court I will destroy the tapes. So I pulled the recorder from the bedroom and heard all the conversation. And it goes like this:

Her: "Guess who came home tonight?"
Him: "You're kidding"
Her: "Nope, he came home early so I don't know how we can keep our appointments?"
Him: "We still can but we just have to be careful"
Her: "I am worried because he is very observant is good and getting people to confess in interviews"
Him: "I'm not worried, they way you talk about him he is clueless when it comes to you"
Her: "You're right, lets just keep our dates and I can just fool him."
Him: "I love you, baby. Soon we will be together to live the life we both want."
Her: "I love you too. I can't wait to get away from him, he just doesn't pay attention to me"

So this was fun to listen to. And to be honest, this interaction did not really surprise me. It made me hate this woman to the core of her existence, and then some. But when I listen to around 25% of the recordings, I have so much information against her that I don't need anymore. It seems that she has been cheating with this guy on different levels for the past several months but really kept it underground. I think their feelings grew over time where they have become more reveling in their openness, but still going to other towns to show how brave they are.

So after listening for a little bit and taking a shower, I hear her rattling the pots and pans in an attempt to make dinner. My wife may have some qualities, but her cooking was never nor will it ever be one of them. Now, I have always ate what she cooked and said how wonderful it was but OMG some food I could not even recognized. In addition, her saying I have not or never paid attention is total horse ****. I have doted on her since we have been married, such as trips CONUS and overseas, paid for her school and helped her study for exams and proof read her papers. I have established a great relationships with her family and play golf with her father and brothers two to three times per month. I feel I have done everything I could with her and her family and friends. But it doesn't matter, she wants to leave so she will come up with any excuse as long as it sticks to the wall.

So eating dinner was the both of us staring at each other like prize fighters before a fight. She was talking away about what she did over the past several weeks, and I just did not care. So I will play the game of holding my emotions back waiting for Jerry to file so she can be served this Friday. I don't know when it is going to go down, but it is going down. The only question that is unanswerable one of what she is going to do once served. Something to look forward to I guess.

That is my update and I am sure there will be fireworks in the future.


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## Marc878

Silence is golden. Never reveal your sources. I would inform the other mans wife after she's served.

Don't waste your time talking to her. Save yourself a waste of time and energy for nothing.

You don't need to convince her she's cheating. She knows that so there really is no need for discussion.


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## Stormguy2018

Great job BS! Can't wait to hear what happens after she gets served. They deserve each other.

You know this thing she has going on with her lover won't last, right? I give them two years max before one or the other (or both) cheat again and it's off to greener pastures.


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## Spicy

It’s going to be brutal listening to the rest of those recordings. Only one more day. Hang in there sweetheart. You got this.


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## Robert22205

Thank you for sharing in such detail (especially sharing your feelings while face to face). 
Your posts will help serve as a road map for the next victim of infidelity.

She's using the old 'he doesn't pay attention to me' excuse to rewrite your marriage history and vilify you in order to justify her adultery.
BTW: You've not only been supportive as well as active in her life and her family. You also attended her softball games until she blocked you. So she's been actively shutting you out and setting you up so on the surface it appears you don't care about her.

IMO the OM is enjoying no strings sex with a married woman and has no long term interest in her. Why? among many reasons, because the OM knows she's has an A+ life partner that she's cheating on (so she's not trustworthy) .... plus they have no immediate plans for her to divorce you. The WW sounds like she enjoys the security and stability of being married to you (while enjoying her side romance).

Although you're probably trained to deal with stress, I think you need to prepare yourself for PTSD symptoms hitting you unexpectedly on and off (see a doctor sooner than later). among other things (and I understand you don't see this coming) you may experience 'pity' for your wife. Why? because there's a part of you that still thinks of yourself as her protector.

She's about to be exposed to her family etc as an adulterer as well as be dumped by the OM. Following confrontation, she may cry beg and/or days later threaten suicide.

I wish you well.


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## TDSC60

Is "Meat" married? If he is, then tell his wife that you are divorcing your wife and why. Offer her proof if she wants it.

Once Jerry confirms that she has been served, send messages to her family and your's. Telling them you have confirmed that your wife has been having an affair and you are now forced to divorce her. Tell them that you are letting her go to be with her new love because that is what she wants.

Oh - I would clear any weapons out of the house for the next few days. Have your partner keep them for you.


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## Kamstel

You are doing great. Continue to lean on your friends! Blow her little fantasy world up! Tell her family as soon as you know she has been served. Don’t let her rewrite the history of your marriage, which it seems like she is already trying to do. 

Don’t let her know about the recorders! Just let her guess how you got all the information. 

Stay strong and continue to move ahead!


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## skerzoid

Bellyscratch said:


> So eating dinner was the both of us staring at each other like prize fighters before a fight. She was talking away about what she did over the past several weeks, and I just did not care. So I will play the game of holding my emotions back waiting for Jerry to file so she can be served this Friday. I don't know when it is going to go down, but it is going down. The only question that is unanswerable one of what she is going to do once served. Something to look forward to I guess.


1. *She is a cake eater.* She wants your stability and his ****. She is addicted to the thrill of cheating. She is afraid of you getting her to talk because, "I am worried because he is very observant is good and getting people to confess in interviews". 

2. *She doesn't want you gone yet.* She wants to hide this so you must be looking forward to grilling her. What will you do if she confesses and begs for a "second Chance"? 

3.* if you are set on confrontation for the satisfaction of watching her squirm, have everything written down for the "interview".* Figure out in advance your responses to her reaction. If she is cold and defiant. If she is pleading and crying. If she Denys the affair and says they were just friends. Try to work out all your responses in advance. 

4. *Do not let her know who or what your sources of intelligence are on her activities.* Moving forward, do not let her know of any of the evidence that you have if you are going for divorce unless you want to prove to her family that she is in infidelity. You do not have to prove infidelity to anybody but if you want to then she will figure out that you are listening to her conversations and having her watched.

5. *You could interview her when and if she comes home, then leave for a while to listen in on her calls to the meathead afterwards.* Or you could ghost her for a while, then listen to the tapes again. You already have enough evidence for yourself. 

6. *The main thing is to stay strong, keep playing the game as you have been.* You are handling this in epic fashion.


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## Taxman

Well played sir, well played.

So, when she is served on Saturday, please ensure that a VAR is running at all times. If possible have some cameras secreted in the house. You are a police officer, and you need to have a lot of evidence if she comes at you with false accusations. If your department has you use a body cam, by all means have that running.


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## TDSC60

Taxman said:


> Well played sir, well played.
> 
> So, when she is served on Saturday, please ensure that a VAR is running at all times. If possible have some cameras secreted in the house. You are a police officer, and you need to have a lot of evidence if she comes at you with false accusations. If your department has you use a body cam, by all means have that running.


Tons of people have security cameras in the house so that should not be a problem. I personally would not use any official electronics or job issued equipment, that could bite you in the ass.

But a personal VAR kept in your pocket until this is settled and done is a good idea.

Have you taken care of the financial yet? As in change any direct deposits to a new account with your name only?

Don't forget to take her off any life insurance and change your will.

You are heading down a difficult path. Your emotions will be up and down. You will wonder how she could do this. You will wonder how you did not see it.

Just remember, she is not the woman you married. She has evolved into a selfish, lying, cheater. Let her go.

You may claim deep down to still love her. If so, then let her go to the man she claims she loves.

"I love you so I am giving you what you want. Have a good life and never darken my door again."


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## mickybill

"Already booked" WTF. Maybe suggest that you join her and her friends as you've been gone so long, just to see how she squirms and lies her way out of it. My guess will be that they "already bought tickets" for something..

Being on the road has been good for you, as you have had a lot of "freeway therapy" (I am a BMW R1200GSA rider) your mind is set and the giant emotions have been dealt with already. It won't be easy but it will be easier than if you had been in town all this time.

Good luck! Your riding buddies seem like a great support group.


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## lucy999

Great job, sir.

I couldn't have done it. But then again I don't have the fortitude and mettle you have. I mean, look at the profession you're in. I sit at a desk lol.

Steer the course. You're doing great.


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## Noble1

Good luck to you.

Hope everything turns out for you.


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## AKA Broken Arrow

> Him: "I'm not worried, they way you talk about him he is clueless when it comes to you"


I think the meathead having an affair with the deputy sheriff's wife is the clueless one. He doesn't sound too bright. 

Sorry man, hopefully you'll be moving on shortly. Hang in there.


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## nekonamida

Bellyscratch said:


> I don't know when it is going to go down, but it is going down. The only question that is unanswerable one of what she is going to do once served. Something to look forward to I guess.
> 
> That is my update and I am sure there will be fireworks in the future.


I'm betting on rage, crying, and desperation. The order will not matter. Truthfully even the most disrespectful and flagrant cheaters will throw out that last hail Mary just to see if their BS will stick around long enough for them to decide once and for all between the BS and the AP. Yours will be no different.

Prepare yourself for the possibility that she will throw herself at your feet and beg for a second chance with a litany of promises she probably won't even keep. Will you be strong enough to follow through? If I were you, I'd have an escape plan set up just in case that you can follow through with the divorce in peace and not have to deal with her hysterics.


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## Decorum

.


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## Robert22205

If she says the marriage was/is over and/or wants a divorce - then act immediately and have her sign a settlement agreement (while she's in her fantasy world).


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## alte Dame

She will truly hate losing control of the situation. And you will take some real pleasure in watching her scramble to regain control. Almost no matter how painful the betrayal, it's satisfying to some degree to give back to them a bit of what they have been dishing out.

These two are clueless that you know anything. They will both be blindsided. You will have the bittersweet front row seat at the ****show she brought on herself.

Sorry for the pain she has caused, but glad that you are acting decisively.


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## OutofRetirement

When she says you are not paying attention to her, she means you aren't paying attention like he does, horn-dog style. And the frequency. Like every 5-10 minutes, a message from him saying "I can't wait to see your hot bod and undress it later on." Usually, that's what they mean by "paying attention," frequency and borderline raunchy. You treat her like you love her as a person, but maybe 10 percent or less of your communication with her involves how much you can't wait to f her. He's the opposite, 90 percent. And he probably does it way more frequently. It's not unusual for cheaters to be in contact multiple times each hour. She feels very desired, makes her more confident (as she is aging and she is no longer hanging in places where guys would hit on her, like school or with girlfriends in bars). Plus the fact that you and most of your friends carry guns for a living will tend to let many otherwise willing guys just find another attention seeker. They're everywhere, why risk dealing with a guy like you? Anyway, I just felt like you didn't quite understand the difference between "paying attention" for a loyal spouse vs. "paying attention" for a cheater. It doesn't mean the same thing.


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## Blondilocks

How did your VAR pick up his side of the conversation?


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## skerzoid

On speaker? Or are you saying something else?


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## Absurdist

Blondilocks said:


> How did your VAR pick up his side of the conversation?



The explanation will be interesting.


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## Bellyscratch

TDSC60 said:


> Is "Meat" married? If he is, then tell his wife that you are divorcing your wife and why. Offer her proof if she wants it.
> 
> Once Jerry confirms that she has been served, send messages to her family and your's. Telling them you have confirmed that your wife has been having an affair and you are now forced to divorce her. Tell them that you are letting her go to be with her new love because that is what she wants.
> 
> Oh - I would clear any weapons out of the house for the next few days. Have your partner keep them for you.


Unfortunately, he is single.


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## Bellyscratch

Blondilocks said:


> How did your VAR pick up his side of the conversation?


She always hits the speaker on her phone so she can walk around doing things. She always has done this, usually I tell her to turn it down but not this time.


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## Bellyscratch

I get home from running errands around 6:00 and she is upstairs taking a shower. She told me earlier that she had plans with her girlfriends tonight and on Friday. So holding true to my need to keep calm and show any anger, I said great and I hope you have a great time. I have to ask, has anyone just wanted to slap your WS as hard as you can? This goes for men and women. I just want to strike out, but I know I need to hold firm. It's a sick type of torture.

So I am sitting in my favorite chair, drinking a beer and watching a baseball game, when my wife comes down in a short, tight dress with tall heels. I looked at her and almost exploded, but I didn't. I asked her if her dress was appropriate for the movies. She stated that she just wanted to "look pretty". Yea she looked "pretty" you know for a street worker. So I just continued to ask her uncomfortable questions, such as, "What movie are you going to see?"; maybe Chuck (husband of one of the friends she states she is going to the movie with) and I can meet you after the movie for drinks". Every question was answered with "It's just a girls night out".

Now I know she is not going out with Chuck's wife because Chuck and I played golf today then he and his wife are going to her Mothers for dinner. I told him to keep all this private and he said no problem. Like all the people I have told, all without exception said that they are not surprised. They all know my wife and seem to see right through her BS, but apparently not me. Blinded by love I guess.

Anyway, before she left she yell to me to "not wait up for her, she will be really late or stay at a friends house". "No problem I said and off she went". Knowing what she is probably going to do, I just broke down and cried for the first time in probably 10 years. How some person can devastate another with a wink of an eye is like dealing with the devil. Not being able to stay in the house anymore, I got on my bike and took a long ride. I must have rode for four hours and on the way back home, I went down the ally behind the butchers house. Looking between the fence I could see both of them in the kitchen doing something. I guess the movie was not very good. Rode to the street and called J. I told him what is happening at home and he just jumped in calling her all sorts of names. Great friend. Anyway, he said that the divorce paperwork will be ready on Friday at 10:00a, so she can be served anytime after. So I rode home and prepared how to serve the WS and start a new life.


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## Blondilocks

Bellyscratch said:


> She always hits the speaker on her phone so she can walk around doing things. She always has done this, usually I tell her to turn it down but not this time.


Wow! I was wondering what make and model of the VAR for future recommendation since it seemed so sensitive. Now, it was simply a matter of a wife being so secure in her deception that she actually had the audacity to put her lover on speaker phone while her husband was in the house. 

You can't make this **** up.


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## Decorum

.


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## ABHale

You need to send her family a text about where they can find their daughter/sister if need be.


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## lucy999

Your pain is so palpable in your last post. Again, I'm sorry.

Trust me when I tell you that you WILL get through this. Life will be so much better on the other side. Won't be today, won't be tomorrow. But it will come.


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## Livvie

lucy999 said:


> Your pain is so palpable in your last post. Again, I'm sorry.
> 
> Trust me when I tell you that you WILL get through this. Life will be so much better on the other side. Won't be today, won't be tomorrow. But it will come.


I second this. It's got to be really tough right now, but you will definitely come out the other side and someday the pain will have faded. You will be okay.


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## Kamstel

Just wanted to wish you well today. 

I promise that it only gets better from here

Stay strong, and continue to lean on friends


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## bandit.45

Stormguy2018 said:


> You know this thing she has going on with her lover won't last, right? I give them two years max before one or the other (or both) cheat again and it's off to greener pastures.


This may or may not happen. Whether it is fair or not, some affairs do end up turning into lifelong, happy marriages. Don't get his hopes up for karma to hit her down the road. It may reward her.


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## bandit.45

Like ABHale said, have an e-mail/text saved and ready to send to all the recipients. When you do send it out, keep the news isolated to family and closest friends. 

The message should be business-like and unemotional. You could say something to the affect : "_To my family and close friends. It pains me to have to tell all of you that I have decided to divorce (wife's name), as I have discovered that she has been cheating on me with another man for several weeks now. As you receive this message, she is concurrently being served with a divorce petition. I would ask you all to please pray for (wife's name) and myself during this painful and trying time as we navigate our way towards a hopefully peaceful and amicable end to our marriage._" 

And then immediately instigate the 180. Keep calm and business-like when she comes home in a rage. If she tries to pick a fight, leave the house. As a cop, you more than anyone knows how dangerous a false DV charge can affect your life. So don't let her bait you.

She may beg you not to divorce her, or she may be defiant and flippant and throw her affair in your face. There are 100 different ways it could go down. Just keep calm. Don't engage her in an argument. Tell her the time for talk and arguments is in the past. Make sure you keep a VAR on you at all times.


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## Lila

bandit.45 said:


> Stormguy2018 said:
> 
> 
> 
> You know this thing she has going on with her lover won't last, right? I give them two years max before one or the other (or both) cheat again and it's off to greener pastures.
> 
> 
> 
> This may or may not happen. Whether it is fair or not, some affairs do end up turning into lifelong, happy marriages. Don't get his hopes up for karma to hit her down the road. It may reward her.
Click to expand...

^^This. My ex had an exit affair. It's been a year and he is still seeing her. As far as I know, they are happy. It's not a matter of wishing karma to hit him hard. It's a matter of wishing karma rewards me with better.


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## bandit.45

Doing the 180 will keep you emotionally disengaged from your WW. Give it a try. 



> So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
> fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...
> 
> Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.
> 
> 
> This 180 list may help.
> --------------------------
> 
> 
> For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:
> 
> 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
> implore.
> 2. No frequent phone calls.
> 3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
> 4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
> 5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
> 6. Do not ask for help from family members.
> 7. Do not ask for reassurances.
> 8. Do not buy gifts.
> 9. Do not schedule dates together.
> 10. Do not spy on spouse.
> 11. Do not say "I Love You".
> 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
> 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
> 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
> 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
> 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
> 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
> 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
> 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
> 20. All questions about marriage should be put on
> hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
> 21. Never lose your cool.
> 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
> 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
> 24. Be patient
> 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
> 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
> 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
> 28. Be strong and confident.
> 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
> CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
> 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
> 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
> 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
> 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
> 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
> 
> 
> 2 things to think about if you do this:
> 
> 1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.
> 
> 2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## TAMAT

BS,

You wrote 

"when my wife comes down in a short, tight dress with tall heels. I looked at her and almost exploded, but I didn't. I asked her if her dress was appropriate for the movies. She stated that she just wanted to "look pretty" "

Kinda funny how that's the uniform for cheating wives. 

I once saw one of my W's friends a woman who was anti-sexism, pro-equalitarian a humanitarian of great sincerity and the last person on earth almost I would expect to see dressed like that. Was in an EA with some dude yep dressed like that. I really suspect she went out and bought those shoes new just for that day.


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## skerzoid

bellyscratch

Was she served tonight?


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## Bellyscratch

Blondilocks said:


> Wow! I was wondering what make and model of the VAR for future recommendation since it seemed so sensitive. Now, it was simply a matter of a wife being so secure in her deception that she actually had the audacity to put her lover on speaker phone while her husband was in the house.
> 
> You can't make this **** up.


The VAR is not some government special spy stuff and she never spoke to the POS butcher while I was around. It was usually her family, work or girlfriends. However, since I was gone, apparently she did have to hid anything. The VAR did not pick up on everything, there were some conversation where she talked on her phone and other times she was in a room where the VAR could only pick up little bits and pieces. However, I was able to hear enough to know she was mesmerised by all the attention.


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## ABHale

How are you doing Scratch?


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## ABHale

2 am here, I am heading to bed. Hope this ends soon for you bro.


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## skerzoid

bellyscratch

Was she served at the restaurant tonight?


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## Bellyscratch

The paperwork has been filed and I had her served tonight. I just have to add that I looked over our bills and saw nothing that jumped out at me. However, when reviewing my American Express card, I saw that she was spending my money on this a$$hat. And this has been going on for over 5 months. I have always let her use it in emergency cases, but now she uses it to carry on her affair. She has always taken care of our finances and we always go over the bills before she pays them. However, she never brings up the AMX card and must pay it every month. I never thought about the card because I hardly ever use it. So this put me into a extremely hateful, volatile mood. Now being in law enforcement, you are trained to deal with difficult people and how the keep cool and use verbal judo (LE term when trying to calm irate citizens). so I went for a long run and ran till I puked. Sounds gross but it really calmed me down for what was going to happen later on that day.

This is how the service went down. I was just going to have my partner serve her at work, but after what I found out in the morning, there was no way in He!! I was going to this. So I took a chance to see if she and "roger ramjet" would keep their Friday date night. I know she was going out because I called her when she got home and stated that she was still going out with her girlfriends for shopping and dinner. So we waited. We had several cars parked around the parking lot chock points so we would not miss them. Around 7:30p she shows up to the restaurant driving my sports car. WTF. I wanted this car since I was 10 and kept this dream alive till I was lucky enough to buy it. Seeing her drive it to meet her affair partner was too much to handle. I wanted to run and tell her what a ***** she is, but my partner grabbed me by the arm and told me to settle down. He reminded me why we are there and her days are numbered. Good friend. So about 15 minutes later, the POS arrives in a really nice Audi, so it appears he can afford a nice car but can't pay his commitments to his kid. Anyway, after about 10 minutes, one of the guys my wife doesn't know goes in and sits in the bar. He texts that they are together and at a table overlooking the water. How romantic. He waits to text until their bill arrives at their table, and that is when her life starts to change forever.

I go in with my partner who is going to serve her and we approach their table. The restaurant has a very dark atmosphere so walking to their table unnoticed was not very hard. We arrive at the table and I sit down next to my wife and my partner next to the butcher. If you have ever seen anyone truly shocked, you need to up it 10 fold. My wife just stares at me in disbelief until clarity finally seeped into her brain. Like the water spit takes they do in the movies, this was done with a mouthful of vanilla ice cream with fudge sauce. The conversation went like this:

Her "What are you doing here"
Me "Are you going to finish your ice cream", which I took off her plate and started eating (I was starving)
Her " " actually she was so shocked she just moved her lips like a fish with no words coming out
Me "So I have been following your cheating with this d*** and I am here to tell you it is over"
Her "I will break it off, it didn't mean anything"
Me turning to the butcher "So...how does that make you feel. I bet she said she loved you (she did) and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. And now she is throwing you under the bus"
Butcher "Look, can't we talk about this man to man?"
Me looking him straight into his eyes " I would but you are no man. A man would not go poaching after married women and break up families. You are nothing to me so keep your mouth shut"

Now my wife seeing her demise looks at my partner as he hands her the divorce paperwork. She asks what it is and I say DIVORCE papers. But then she did something surprising to me. She composed herself and started to support the OM. Hitting me again with not supporting her and paying her enough attention. I stayed focused and i laid into her. Mentioning how much I have done for her ect, ect. She stated that she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I said, well, that is something you have to choose. She throws out that she can't do anything now until her head is clear. I said, no problem, but there are things you need to send to the court in a couple of weeks. So where is meathead, he shot out of his seat and headed towards the door. I said, well your ride is leaving so she got up to leave. I mentioned to her that she forgot to pay for his dinner, then said to forget about it since I have been paying for their dinners here for several months. She stammered a bit but was still getting up to leave. So I left her a parting shot of "...you know, I am only a ATM for you anyway (a direct quote from the last time their conversation was recorded). She could not have looked more surprised than if she had the winning powerball ticket. So she leaves and we follow knowing they are not going anywhere fast. We arrive at where he parked and somehow a car broke down right behind his car, blocking him in. The butcher was in his car sulking down in his seat while my wife was trying to get him to unlock the car so she can squirm in. Before she could close the door, I caught it and held it open to talk to her. I leaned in and told her that she needs to leave the house and go stay with this POS or at the Y or in an alley, I didn't care, but she was not staying at my house. She just looked at me and grunted "fine" in one of those I lost the argument but I am going to get the last word kind of "fine". She yelled at me that she would come by and get her things, and I told her that all her stuff was in the garage. I am sure she felt some vindication my telling me to FO. Nice, but they still could not leave. Given I had her full attention, I also mentioned that he has 2 kids by other women and he is really late on child support for one of his kids. She just stared at me knowing I was telling the truth but she was pissed and would not give me the satisfaction of showing I had something on him. I went over to the drivers side and told the butcher that I will be watching his every move, and he will never no when I may appear in his life again. He actually said "Yes Sir" to me. I looked at my wife and she gave me another FO. Nice.

So I asked the guy whose car blocked the butchers car and asked him if he ever tried using a key to start the car. In a feign expression, my team mate stated that he was a fool, got in his car started it up and drove away. As the butcher put his car in gear, I looked at him and mentioned "you never know when your life will change". And off they drove. The only positive was that I was able to drive my sports car home.

So I have not heard from my wife, and I don't know if or when I will. What has got me contemplating is what is she going to do next. So I am asking those who have been through this, what am I going to face and how to prepare for the unexpected.

Thanks for reading and helping me.


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## skerzoid

Bellyscratch said:


> So I have not heard from my wife, and I don't know if or when I will. What has got me contemplating is what is she going to do next. So I am asking those who have been through this, what am I going to face and how to prepare for the unexpected.
> 
> Thanks for reading and helping me.


1. Keep a VAR on you at all times. Or your camera thingie that police wear.

2. Go by what your lawyer tells you.

3. Did you inform everyone as to what you were doing? Let them know.

4. Keep your temper.

5. Change the locks.

6. Stay strong.


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## Decorum

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## Tatsuhiko

Well done, friend. Expect her to get really nasty and desperate. Keep away from her as best you can, and record every interaction or have witnesses present.


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## Livvie

Well done. That's a perfect way to have served her. Well you be able to keep her out of the house while you are going through the divorce? It massively sucks to try to live together during the divorce process.


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## Taxman

Well, I have seen that reaction. Shock and anger. Wait til this really sinks in. Life as she knows it is over, and all of the wonderful things you provided are now gone unless she gives over a pot full of dough to a lawyer. Given that your buddy has already set the plays, she is late to the game. 

Prediction; Meatboy already threw her under the bus. I suggest a nuisance lawsuit, that threatens his livelihood. Worst case scenario, he can defend a suit, in the meantime, to save his skin, he will eviscerate your XWW. She will now try to worm her way back. The "temporary insanity" plea if you will. Use that, if it arises, to get more in the divorce. 

You are going to see a complete spectrum of behaviors over the next 48 to 72 hours. Record it all.


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## OutofRetirement

Meathead has been through it twice. He'll ooach her through it.

She will have buyer's remorse. Most people have that with big purchases. I expect in a couple of days she'll contact you to see if you are willing to take some blame and let her come back just in case. She will miss the validation you've given her. She'll want to know that you still want her, at least sexually. She kind of admits she wants the attention. She'll also want to be able to choose between you and Meathead. That's what she had been doing, and she didn't want to end it. So I'd expect her to try to manipulate it to go back there again. She likes the options. Going to live with him was not her first choice. Her first choice was to live in your house, and just see him in between. Just because you found out and confronted her, I don't see why she would initially think any differently about him or you. That will take a few days, weeks.

I think she's too proud and too full of herself to come back without you accepting at least part blame for her cheating. After a while with the Meathead, living with him, seeing how he doesn't want to support his kids, but is willing to spend time and money on an affair, and likely his character comes through, I think she will be more apologetic after a few weeks or month.

Get her off all of your accounts.

Almost never do cheaters falsely accuse and file reports. But when it happens, it can be devastating to the betrayed. So carry a recorder for any conversations you have with her.


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## lucy999

Bravo, sir. Make sure you give the am ex lover boy expenses to Jerry (if they are of significant amount-or not, up to you) to include in the division of marital assets. She needs to pay for those.

Expect the whole gambit of emotions from her: anger, sadness, pride, blameshifting (like she did at the restauraunt) faux love, attempted sex. You name it she'll show it. When the full gravity of the situation hits her, watch out.

Do NOT talk to her alone. Do NOT talk to her at all if you can help it. She will call you "wanting to talk." Don't do it. She'll want "time to decide what to do." Nope. Don't do the pick-me dance. You will not sit by waiting for her to make a decision. You are not plan B. She's made her choice by spreading her legs for a man other than her husband.

I would wait until you talk to Jerry re: changing the locks. That's her marital home. Don't think you can do that. But I'm not a lawyer.

I feel like we should have a mantra for you-instead of "Better Call Saul" (the spinoff show from Breaking Bad) it'll be "Better call Jerry." 

Thank goodness for your partner.


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## TDSC60

Get your financials straight NOW. She sounds vindictive.

Cancel all credit cards she has access to. Get a new bank account and change any direct deposits to the new account. Take half of any joint bank accounts and put it in you new account. Change your will and life insurance..

Change all the locks on your house if your lawyer agrees. I don't know what the laws are in your state. Check with Jerry to find out what rights she has.

Do all this to protect yourself. She may want to make you pay for blowing up her little world by charging lots of crap to run up a bill or grabbing all the money she can. 

You have done good. It is great that you have witnesses to all of this. That does not happen often.

Ending a marriage (even a bad one) is an emotional experience. You will be on a roller coaster for sometime now. You know what she has been doing, but it still hurts. Know that she is not the woman you married. She has changed and it is not your fault. Do not get caught alone with her if you can avoid it. She sounds vindictive enough to try and file a false domestic violence charge just to cause you trouble.

Your buddies sound great at helping you deal with this. Let them support you through it.

Contact her family and let them know what is happening and why. It will be embarrassing but you need to let them know.


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## 3Xnocharm

Standing ovation sir, well done!

I was so angry when I read that she took your car to her date! To make sure you get that credit card canceled immediately, although I have a feeling you may have already done that. I have a feeling she is going to get very angry and volatile. As someone else suggested, make sure you don’t talk to her alone, you are going to need witnesses.. since you are a police officer, I can totally see her bringing some kind of charges or something stupid for that reason. I said it before, you have amazing friends, you are very lucky. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## niceguy47460

If i was you i would cancel any cards she has and take her name off bank accounts . and talk to your lawyer and see if you can sue him and her for the money she has spent on him . some places you can .


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## Marc878

Stay strong you have nothing to work with here. If you don't you'll just get played and walked on.

I would inform her family at this time.

Just a way of saying thank you.


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## Marc878

As you reflect back now you will probably see this is who she always was and will be. You didn't lose much.

She's shown and told you who she is. You're probably in shock but do not slip into hopium, wanting her to get it. You are the one who needs to get who she is.

Expect her family to side with her. Blood is usually thicker than water.

Secure your finances immediately because she can't be trusted. 

There's a myth they all come crawling back. They don't. What would you get back anyway?

Good luck. You're off to a strong start so stay there.


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## Decorum

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## alte Dame

You didn't pay enough attention to her? This is the egocentric mantra of the blameshifting cheater.

She could have filed for divorce if she was so unhappy.

She sounds extremely proud and selfish. Please notice how everyone here is telling you to secure your finances. This is the reaction of the collective to your news, so I hope you take it seriously. She will do any amount of underhanded things to take even more money from you, all the while declaring that you 'owe' it to her.

Sorry, but your picker was off when you chose her. She is far too self-centered to be healthy marriage material. I know it hurts to go through this, but I predict that you will be snapped out of any residual warm feeling for her very quickly.

Guard your finances! Block her on all your accounts. Make sure she can't deposit or cash cash-advance or line of credit moneys. She paid the bills. Check absolutely everything.

Good luck!


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## michzz

Well done!

BTW, Get your sports car rekeyed.


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## syhoybenden

You know what bother's me?

In the very first post .... "I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska". Hmm. Dawson Creek is in British Columbia, on the Alaska Highway. There is no Dawson Creek in Alaska.

You'd think he would know what country he was in. When I was a mere stripling the US/Canada border was a mere formality, no big whoop. NOW you need a f**king passport for crying out loud. You would notice something like that.


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## Bellyscratch

syhoybenden said:


> You know what bother's me?
> 
> In the very first post .... "I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska". Hmm. Dawson Creek is in British Columbia, on the Alaska Highway. There is no Dawson Creek in Alaska.
> 
> You'd think he would know what country he was in. When I was a mere stripling the US/Canada border was a mere formality, no big whoop. NOW you need a f**king passport for crying out loud. You would notice something like that.


Syhobenden

Yep, I make a mistake. Maybe it was the thoughts of my wife's cheating or maybe is it was riding for 9 hours that day that I wrote Alaska instead of BC. Ya got me. I must be a lying or this was all in my head. But I got to tell you buddy, I don't need your B.S. I came to this site by recommendations from others to help me with this difficult time. And truthfully, I have received some great compassionate responses, that indeed help my with some challenging days. But I don't need this. So I will kindly stop posting regarding my situation and continue to read other posts to glean information that my apply to what is going on in my life. To all those who responded with heartfelt comments, I truly thank you. 

B. Scratch


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## Bellyscratch

syhoybenden said:


> You know what bother's me?
> 
> In the very first post .... "I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska". Hmm. Dawson Creek is in British Columbia, on the Alaska Highway. There is no Dawson Creek in Alaska.
> 
> You'd think he would know what country he was in. When I was a mere stripling the US/Canada border was a mere formality, no big whoop. NOW you need a f**king passport for crying out loud. You would notice something like that.


Syhobenden

Yep, I make a mistake. Maybe it was the thoughts of my wife's cheating or maybe is it was riding for 9 hours that day that I wrote Alaska instead of BC. Ya got me. I must be a lying or this was all in my head. But I got to tell you buddy, I don't need your B.S. I came to this site by recommendations from others to help me with this difficult time. And truthfully, I have received some great compassionate responses, that indeed help my with some challenging days. But I don't need this. So I will kindly stop posting regarding my situation and continue to read other posts to glean information that my apply to what is going on in my life. To all those who responded with heartfelt comments, I truly thank you. 

B. Scratch


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## TAMAT

BS,

Most posters do not question another posters sincerity or honesty and understand the mental stress you are feeling.

This site is a tool for YOUR mental health and safeguard YOUR family if your truthfulness is questioned ignore it.


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## TDSC60

I traveled a lot with one job I had. I left on Tuesday and did not come back until Friday morning. Most every week.

Some days I would wake up, look around the strange motel room and my first thought was - where am I? - what am I supposed to do here? Happened several times after a long tiring drive to get to the next city. So I understand.


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## stro

I understand this site and others like it are littered with fake threads probably written by 16 year olds. But If you think a thread isn’t real, just don’t post on it. No need to start picking people’s stories apart.


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## Decorum

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## EleGirl

I deleted serval posts that were discussing trolling. It is against forum rules to accuse any poster on the open forums of being a troll. It can lead to a several day time-out ban so that you can contemplate better ways to handle yourself on these forums.

One of those better ways is that if you think an OP is trolling, simply use the report tool (triangle with ! at bottom left of every post) to inform the moderators. This sends an email to every moderator and administrator with your report. Let the mods/admins figure out if a person is a troll or not. 

And if you really think the OP is a troll, just stop posting on the thread.

{Posting as a moderator - Ele}


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## Lostinthought61

Bellyscratch said:


> The paperwork has been filed and I had her served tonight. I just have to add that I looked over our bills and saw nothing that jumped out at me. However, when reviewing my American Express card, I saw that she was spending my money on this a$$hat. And this has been going on for over 5 months. I have always let her use it in emergency cases, but now she uses it to carry on her affair. She has always taken care of our finances and we always go over the bills before she pays them. However, she never brings up the AMX card and must pay it every month. I never thought about the card because I hardly ever use it. So this put me into a extremely hateful, volatile mood. Now being in law enforcement, you are trained to deal with difficult people and how the keep cool and use verbal judo (LE term when trying to calm irate citizens). so I went for a long run and ran till I puked. Sounds gross but it really calmed me down for what was going to happen later on that day.
> 
> This is how the service went down. I was just going to have my partner serve her at work, but after what I found out in the morning, there was no way in He!! I was going to this. So I took a chance to see if she and "roger ramjet" would keep their Friday date night. I know she was going out because I called her when she got home and stated that she was still going out with her girlfriends for shopping and dinner. So we waited. We had several cars parked around the parking lot chock points so we would not miss them. Around 7:30p she shows up to the restaurant driving my sports car. WTF. I wanted this car since I was 10 and kept this dream alive till I was lucky enough to buy it. Seeing her drive it to meet her affair partner was too much to handle. I wanted to run and tell her what a ***** she is, but my partner grabbed me by the arm and told me to settle down. He reminded me why we are there and her days are numbered. Good friend. So about 15 minutes later, the POS arrives in a really nice Audi, so it appears he can afford a nice car but can't pay his commitments to his kid. Anyway, after about 10 minutes, one of the guys my wife doesn't know goes in and sits in the bar. He texts that they are together and at a table overlooking the water. How romantic. He waits to text until their bill arrives at their table, and that is when her life starts to change forever.
> 
> I go in with my partner who is going to serve her and we approach their table. The restaurant has a very dark atmosphere so walking to their table unnoticed was not very hard. We arrive at the table and I sit down next to my wife and my partner next to the butcher. If you have ever seen anyone truly shocked, you need to up it 10 fold. My wife just stares at me in disbelief until clarity finally seeped into her brain. Like the water spit takes they do in the movies, this was done with a mouthful of vanilla ice cream with fudge sauce. The conversation went like this:
> 
> Her "What are you doing here"
> Me "Are you going to finish your ice cream", which I took off her plate and started eating (I was starving)
> Her " " actually she was so shocked she just moved her lips like a fish with no words coming out
> Me "So I have been following your cheating with this d*** and I am here to tell you it is over"
> Her "I will break it off, it didn't mean anything"
> Me turning to the butcher "So...how does that make you feel. I bet she said she loved you (she did) and wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. And now she is throwing you under the bus"
> Butcher "Look, can't we talk about this man to man?"
> Me looking him straight into his eyes " I would but you are no man. A man would not go poaching after married women and break up families. You are nothing to me so keep your mouth shut"
> 
> Now my wife seeing her demise looks at my partner as he hands her the divorce paperwork. She asks what it is and I say DIVORCE papers. But then she did something surprising to me. She composed herself and started to support the OM. Hitting me again with not supporting her and paying her enough attention. I stayed focused and i laid into her. Mentioning how much I have done for her ect, ect. She stated that she is confused and doesn't know what to do. I said, well, that is something you have to choose. She throws out that she can't do anything now until her head is clear. I said, no problem, but there are things you need to send to the court in a couple of weeks. So where is meathead, he shot out of his seat and headed towards the door. I said, well your ride is leaving so she got up to leave. I mentioned to her that she forgot to pay for his dinner, then said to forget about it since I have been paying for their dinners here for several months. She stammered a bit but was still getting up to leave. So I left her a parting shot of "...you know, I am only a ATM for you anyway (a direct quote from the last time their conversation was recorded). She could not have looked more surprised than if she had the winning powerball ticket. So she leaves and we follow knowing they are not going anywhere fast. We arrive at where he parked and somehow a car broke down right behind his car, blocking him in. The butcher was in his car sulking down in his seat while my wife was trying to get him to unlock the car so she can squirm in. Before she could close the door, I caught it and held it open to talk to her. I leaned in and told her that she needs to leave the house and go stay with this POS or at the Y or in an alley, I didn't care, but she was not staying at my house. She just looked at me and grunted "fine" in one of those I lost the argument but I am going to get the last word kind of "fine". She yelled at me that she would come by and get her things, and I told her that all her stuff was in the garage. I am sure she felt some vindication my telling me to FO. Nice, but they still could not leave. Given I had her full attention, I also mentioned that he has 2 kids by other women and he is really late on child support for one of his kids. She just stared at me knowing I was telling the truth but she was pissed and would not give me the satisfaction of showing I had something on him. I went over to the drivers side and told the butcher that I will be watching his every move, and he will never no when I may appear in his life again. He actually said "Yes Sir" to me. I looked at my wife and she gave me another FO. Nice.
> 
> So I asked the guy whose car blocked the butchers car and asked him if he ever tried using a key to start the car. In a feign expression, my team mate stated that he was a fool, got in his car started it up and drove away. As the butcher put his car in gear, I looked at him and mentioned "you never know when your life will change". And off they drove. The only positive was that I was able to drive my sports car home.
> 
> So I have not heard from my wife, and I don't know if or when I will. What has got me contemplating is what is she going to do next. So I am asking those who have been through this, what am I going to face and how to prepare for the unexpected.
> 
> Thanks for reading and helping me.


i love this!!! I am sorry you went through this and i know the pain is on going but you took complete control. very nice. i do hope you come back with any updates.


----------



## MattMatt

syhoybenden said:


> You know what bother's me?
> 
> In the very first post .... "I am currently in Dawson Creek, Alaska". Hmm. Dawson Creek is in British Columbia, on the Alaska Highway. There is no Dawson Creek in Alaska.
> 
> You'd think he would know what country he was in. When I was a mere stripling the US/Canada border was a mere formality, no big whoop. NOW you need a f**king passport for crying out loud. You would notice something like that.


Did you forget about the report icon?


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## Sports Fan

Great job on the exposure. So sorry you have had to go through this. Do not stop posting just because of a couple of idiots. I recently went through something similiar and had some very negative responses. Overall 90% of the people here are genuine and offer great advice.

I hope all goes well for you and we hear from you again.


----------



## Kamstel

Belly, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing.

You have handle this situation from Hell in a very good manner. You stood up for yourself and refused accept the unacceptable!

Keep moving forward.
Stay strong.
Lean on friends and loved ones.

And as the song says, if your going through Hell, just keep moving as you might find yourself out before the devil even knows your there.


----------



## Chaparral

Catching a hundred trolls isn’t worth trashing one legitimate poster. We have been trolled before. Even then many, many folks that never post were helped by the advice given.


----------



## Spicy

Belly scratch...just wanted to say, you are a superhero. 
Great job!!!!


----------



## Stormguy2018

Hang in there buddy. You are going to be so much better off without her. It's going to be a rough road for awhile, but when it's over it's like a re-birth. Look at the end game.


----------



## StillSearching

Sports Fan said:


> Great job on the exposure. So sorry you have had to go through this. Do not stop posting just because of a couple of idiots. I recently went through something similiar and had some very negative responses. Overall 90% of the people here are genuine and offer great advice.
> 
> I hope all goes well for you and we hear from you again.


Same happened to me when I first got here.


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## Spicy

Oh yeah, ignore anybody you choose on here, don’t shoot yourself in the foot because of a few people deciding to be unhelpful. TAM is a wonderful resource and can continue to provide you lots of guidance if you choose to keep participating.


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## Robert22205

Sorry I missed you serving her. I was in the wind for over a week and couldn't get access on my cell.

You are not the first victim of infidelity (nor the last). Please continue to update with questions and/or lessons learned (or just to share your feelings).
You are not alone.


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## Bellyscratch

Strange update:

So the divorce is on going, and she left the house and is living with a friend who happens to be "just a friend". We have been basically no contact (only contact is for financial issues, ie. bills, ect"). Starting Saturday night I get a phone call from her stating that she made a huge mistake and wants to work on "us" and save our marriage. Well, I have to say, if she asked for a million dollars, I would have been less surprised than her stating she wants to get back together.

I asked her why now and her only comment is that she missed "us" and she made stupid mistakes. I asked her where was her "friend" and she just diverted the question. So I came back here to ask "what the He** is going on. I don't want to get back together but she has a way of hitting the right buttons with me. It's confusing especially since she will not say why she really is acting this way.

Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this truely unexpected twist.


----------



## jlg07

Sounds like now that she is available, the POSOM has dumped her, so she wants back with Plan B (you).
"I asked her where was her "friend" and she just change the question."
What does that tell you? "just forget all that happened and let's go back to the way we were".... RUG SWEEP for 1000 Alex.

She may push your buttons, but just remember your first post. She is a serial cheater and has never learned NOT to do that to you -- do you want to put yourself through that again?


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## OnTheFly

Thx for update.

Hard 180. 

It wasn't unexpected, in fact, it was predicted.


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## shortbus

Bellyscratch, glad to see you back here.

Not unexpected at all.

Continue on your path.

Just for your own good, I wouldn't ask her any more questions. I definitely understand that you want 'answers', but you aren't going to get any. At least any that are the truth.

Yes, she knows your 'buttons'. She's willing to use them for her own gain.

This is all manipulation, act accordingly.


----------



## aine

Bellyscratch said:


> Strange update:
> 
> So the divorce is on going, and she left the house and is living with a friend who happens to be "just a friend". We have been basically no contact (only contact is for financial issues, ie. bills, ect"). Starting Saturday night I get a phone call from her stating that she made a huge mistake and wants to work on "us" and save our marriage. Well, I have to say, if she asked for a million dollars, I would have been less surprised than her stating she wants to get back together.
> 
> I asked her why now and her only comment is that she missed "us" and she made stupid mistakes. I asked her where was her "friend" and she just diverted the question. So I came back here to ask "what the He** is going on. I don't want to get back together but she has a way of hitting the right buttons with me. It's confusing especially since she will not say why she really is acting this way.
> 
> Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this truely unexpected twist.



You are simply her back up plan, do not fall for it. She now realises that far away fields are not so green afterall. Do not be foolish. Tell her the divorce is going ahead. Repairing the damage will be very difficult and there is no guarantee she wont do the same to you again. Run!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

No contact! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Rubix Cubed

She doesn't want to get back together with you for "us", she wants to get back together with you for her. Your well being doesn't even play into the equation. You're the safety net, plan B for when she doesn't have a plan A to play with. Now you, me, and everyone here knows you're WAY more than that, so why would you forget all the damage she has done to you and let her "push your buttons"? **** that noise. Carry on as before and ignore the twaddle, because that's all it is.


----------



## Marc878

Bellyscratch said:


> Strange update:
> 
> So the divorce is on going, and she left the house and is living with a friend who happens to be "just a friend". We have been basically no contact (only contact is for financial issues, ie. bills, ect"). Starting Saturday night I get a phone call from her stating that *she made a huge mistake and wants to work on "us" and save our marriage.* Well, I have to say, if she asked for a million dollars, I would have been less surprised than her stating she wants to get back together.
> 
> Nope, it was a carefully thought out decision planned and executed. It didn't just happen and wasn't a mistake.
> 
> I asked her why now and her only comment is that she missed "us" and she made stupid mistakes. I asked her where was her "friend" and she just diverted the question.
> 
> She hasn't broken it off with her other man yet until plan B is solidified. She won't drop him just yet. Better wake up to who she really is and what you're dealing with. No actions on her part just words. Coming from a cheater which are meaningless.
> 
> So I came back here to ask "what the He** is going on. I don't want to get back together but she has a way of hitting the right buttons with me. It's confusing especially since she will not say why she really is acting this way.
> 
> Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this truely unexpected twist.


Stop answering her calls and learn to ignore. Text or emails D or business only.

You'll only get played or manipulated if you allow it.


----------



## Marc878

She told you at the confrontation and showed you what you needed to know.

Unless you like pain and drama stick to your plan.

Doormats get walked on regularly


----------



## TDSC60

She had you at home to take care of the house and the cars. To provide financial support and help with her education. Probably had you take care of all the bills.

While she had a standing date with her lover. Was free to meet him when she wanted. Was allowed to spend her time with co-ed sports teams, girlfriends and party anytime she felt like it. Basically she was free to act like a single party girls with little or no responsibilities. She misses that. She might act like a contrite, remorseful wife for awhile, but that is all it is......an act. She is a serial cheater. I have never heard of a serial cheater who was able to change permanently. Yeah some keep up the act even for a couple of years, but eventually they all return to their base character....cheater.

Why would she not want to go back to that?

BTW, she did not make any "mistakes" she made a series of choices. She chose to cheat. She chose to lie. She chose to keep you in the dark while having her fun on the side.

Do not try to understand why she is cheating or why she is making attempts to get back to her party life while you support her. And what "us" is she missing. The "us" she had not respect for? The "us" she complained about constantly? The "us" she avoided all the time with sports teams and drunken nights? The "us" she felt that she justified having a secret lover?

You can't understand crazy? Don't let her fool you again.


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## BigbadBootyDaddy

Ayup. A woman splits and goes silent for months and then mysteriously wants to reunite? Her primary choice of orgasm donor found a better charity.


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## Bellyscratch

Yes...you are absolutly right. I was content in my marriage ending and coming to some terms with moving on, but this was like a sucker punch in the gut. I just don't know why now.


----------



## Bellyscratch

TDSC60 said:


> She had you at home to take care of the house and the cars. To provide financial support and help with her education. Probably had you take care of all the bills.
> 
> While she had a standing date with her lover. Was free to meet him when she wanted. Was allowed to spend her time with co-ed sports teams, girlfriends and party anytime she felt like it. Basically she was free to act like a single party girls with little or no responsibilities. She misses that. She might act like a contrite, remorseful wife for awhile, but that is all it is......an act. She is a serial cheater. I have never heard of a serial cheater who was able to change permanently. Yeah some keep up the act even for a couple of years, but eventually they all return to their base character....cheater.
> 
> Why would she not want to go back to that?
> 
> BTW, she did not make any "mistakes" she made a series of choices. She chose to cheat. She chose to lie. She chose to keep you in the dark while having her fun on the side.
> 
> Do not try to understand why she is cheating or why she is making attempts to get back to her party life while you support her. And what "us" is she missing. The "us" she had not respect for? The "us" she complained about constantly? The "us" she avoided all the time with sports teams and drunken nights? The "us" she felt that she justified having a secret lover?
> 
> You can't understand crazy? Don't let her fool you again.


I agree, but why come back to me and not another meat puppet.


----------



## shortbus

Your history of takin' care of her ****.


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## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> Yes...you are absolutly right. I was content in my marriage ending and coming to some terms with moving on, but this was like a sucker punch in the gut. I just don't know why now.


One thing that you can be sure of. It is not for your benefit in any shape or form. Don't waste time trying to understand or explain. You can't.You have a logical 1+1=2 mind, she does not. It is all about her and what she wants. She is just trying to manipulate you. And yeah she know what buttons to push to get a rise out of you. She learned how to make you back off and let her have what she wants long ago and has used it to her advantage.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Marc878 said:


> Stop answering her calls and learn to ignore. Text or emails D or business only.
> 
> You'll only get played or manipulated if you allow it.


I agree completley, but I am at a disadvantage. Several weeks ago we had a huge thunder and rain storm and the power went out. As I was getting a flash light I tripped over the dog and broke my ankle and shoulder blade. I needed surgery and have been laid up since then. She must of found out because she came over to the house, but could not get in (changed all the locks and codes). So she was banging on the windows and seeing me in my recliner, she yelled at me to open the door. I admit, I was pissed and flipped her off. I guess she got the point and left. I am sticking to NC, but now she knows I am non-mobile I feel she is just going to stalk me.


----------



## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> I agree, but why come back to me and not another meat puppet.


Because she knows you. Like you said...she knows what buttons to push. She has played you probably for years and thinks she can do it again.


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## Marc878

You have control over her phone and your home. Only you can allow anything.

Sorry about your accident. A good looking nurse could help with that.


----------



## Bellyscratch

I guess my new concern is if she is going to go total demented and where she might pop up. She is not violent, far from it, but this is a new personality trait I have not seen before. It is totally unexpected. If she wasn't a cheating b**** I would almost be impressed with her conviction. But I know it is all an act. I called my attorney and he said to record (video and audio) if I can for future hearings. I should also mention that the divorce was going quite well, but she must have hired an attorney because she is going full board aginst me now.


----------



## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> I agree completley, but I am at a disadvantage. Several weeks ago we had a huge thunder and rain storm and the power went out. As I was getting a flash light I tripped over the dog and broke my ankle and shoulder blade. I needed surgery and have been laid up since then. She must of found out because she came over to the house, but could not get in (changed all the locks and codes). So she was banging on the windows and seeing me in my recliner, she yelled at me to open the door. I admit, I was pissed and flipped her off. I guess she got the point and left. I am sticking to NC, but now she knows I am non-mobile I feel she is just going to stalk me.


She probably wants to try and change your mind about reconciling. BTW, pain meds can seriously affect you decision making. Don't change your path now.


----------



## Bellyscratch

TDSC60 said:


> Because she knows you. Like you said...she knows what buttons to push. She has played you probably for years and thinks she can do it again.


Yep brother, you hit the nail right on the head,


----------



## turnera

Bellyscratch said:


> Yes...you are absolutly right. I was content in my marriage ending and coming to some terms with moving on, but this was like a sucker punch in the gut. I just don't know why now.


That's easy. Either she got dumped or is having some difficulties -probably financial, or maybe she's being passed around for sex and wised up - and she figures you'll be her patsy once again. Happens ALL THE TIME.


----------



## Bellyscratch

TDSC60 said:


> She probably wants to try and change your mind about reconciling. BTW, pain meds can seriously affect you decision making. Don't change your path now.


I tried to avoid the pain pills for a while, but you get to a point that you need some relief. I am staying focused even though I feel like I am in Alice in Wonderland with this new revalation of hers.


----------



## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> I guess my new concern is if she is going to go total demented and where she might pop up. She is not violent, far from it, but this is a new personality trait I have not seen before. It is totally unexpected. If she wasn't a cheating b**** I would almost be impressed with her conviction. But I know it is all an act. I called my attorney and he said to record (video and audio) if I can for future hearings. I should also mention that the divorce was going quite well, but she must have hired an attorney because she is going full board aginst me now.


She finally sat down and added up what she is throwing away and does not like what she sees - security and financials.


----------



## Bellyscratch

turnera said:


> That's easy. Either she got dumped or is having some difficulties -probably financial, or maybe she's being passed around for sex and wised up - and she figures you'll be her patsy once again. Happens ALL THE TIME.


Damn Turnera, I think your spidey senses are correct.:grin2:


----------



## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> I tried to avoid the pain pills for a while, but you get to a point that you need some relief. I am staying focused even though I feel like I am in Alice in Wonderland with this new revalation of hers.


Demerol is my drug of choice after surgery. Just remember that your soon to be ex wife is the red queen.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Bellyscratch said:


> I tried to avoid the pain pills for a while, but you get to a point that you need some relief. I am staying focused even though I feel like I am in Alice in Wonderland with this new revalation of hers.


Don't fall for it!!

Just think about your history. She has REPEATEDLY cheated on you, going back to when she slept with the guy that drove you to college. 

This is not an out-of-character drunken one-night stand at a bachelorette party. This IS her character; it is her very nature. For her to repeatedly cheat on you, for her to engage in organized deception, this must be her very nature. She won't really be able change how she is. 


However, she IS able to manipulate you very well. THAT is ALSO in her nature. She has done it over and over.


It sounds to me that she is a user. She has used you for her convenience. For that matter, she has used her meatheads and all her other APs for her own convenience.


To love someone means that their welfare is even more important to you than your own. It means their happiness is necessary for your own happiness. Do you think she ever REALLY loved YOU? Do you think that she ever put your happiness and your welfare above her own? Or did she only love what you did for her? Did she only love the excitement or security or comfort, etc. that you provided for her? Did she only love WHAT YOU DID FOR HER, not YOU??


I think you know the answer to that. And I think you know that you deserve someone who REALLY LOVES you. You can do better than her. You are WORTH more than that. If you let her get back into your life, you are betraying yourself.


Make no mistake, she IS very adept at playing you. Users have to be that way; otherwise, they wouldn't be successful users. Don't fall for it.


----------



## TDSC60

Gonna go out on a limb here, but I think I know the answers.

Who fixed the clogged drains? Who fixed the leaky faucets? Who was it that saw to all the regular maintenance that a home needs?

Who mowed the lawn or had someone do it (if you have a lawn)?

Who took out the trash?

Who changed the oil in the cars or took them to have it done? Who fixed the flat tires or took the cars to have tires changed? Who made sure they were filled with gasoline or provided the ATMs or credit cards so that she could put the gas in? Who washed the cars?

Who provided car insurance? Who provided home insurance?

Who provided ATM cards? Who provided credit cards and made sure the bills were paid?

Who provided medical insurance?

Who is going to do these things for her after the divorce?


----------



## Lostinthought61

Bellyscratch said:


> I agree, but why come back to me and not another meat puppet.


SElf preservation...you are a known element as opposed to having to invest a lot of energy and work with some new...you are the path of least resistance...sure she will gravel but this way she can go back to her safe life. Here is the important thing...it’s not about her behavior it’s about how you react to her approach.


----------



## skerzoid

bellyscratch

1. *Play her in reverse. Act as though you are interested.*

2. *Keep the divorce going.*

3. *Keep digging. You will find what she's up to.*

4. *Have her take a polygraph if you are really interested in the truth.*

5. *Have a woman friend come over and take care of you. She will find out about that.*

6.* Do the 180 religiously.Read through this:*
The 180 for Hurt Spouses
The 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. 

Who should do these steps? You'll need to evaluate them, and use the ones that apply to your situation. Some of these are good for anyone to do. Like not following them around the house. You don't want to look like a puppy dog that can't stand to be away from its owner. Others may only be appropriate if your spouse isn't cooperating with rebuilding. Others you may want to do "in case" but don't require you to follow through on anything that would be divisive. 

But if your spouse is being cooperative, many of these you don't want to do. Like no frequent phone calls or not going on dates—those would be counterproductive to a cooperative unfaithful spouse, making them feel their efforts are wrong or not helping when they really are. Plus, the idea with a cooperative unfaithful spouse is to spend time with them, both of those good ways to do that, within moderation. 

The more uncooperative an unfaithful spouse is, the more of these that apply. So evaluate each one whether it would help or hurt in your situation. But the overall goal of these should be kept in mind: to help the hurt spouse project confidence, independence, and emotional distance to the unfaithful spouse in order to prepare the hurt spouse for eventual separation, should it occur, and hopefully move the unfaithful spouse from the uncooperative category to the cooperative one. 

Following is the 180 list of behaviors. I’ve left the original formatting and wording of the quote. A bit wordy in places, and too much reliance upon exclamation points and all caps for emphasis. 

The 180 for Hurt Spouses

*Don't* pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 

*No *frequent phone calls. 

*Don't* point out "good points" in marriage. 

*Don't* follow her/him around the house. 

*Don't* encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 

*Don't* ask for help from the family members of your wayward spouse. 

*Don't* ask for reassurances. 
*
Don't* buy or give gifts. 

*Don't s*chedule dates together. 

*Don't* keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable. 

*Do *more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 

*Be *cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 

*Don't *sit around waiting on your spouse—get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) *be scarce* or short on words. Don't push any issue. No matter how much you want to! 

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, *ASK NOTHING*. Seem totally uninterested. 

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with your life without them! 

*Don't* be nasty, angry or even cold—Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. 

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, *only* show your spouse happiness and contentment. 

*Make* yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 

*All* questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 

*Do not *allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control, YOURSELF! 

*Don't* be overly enthusiastic. 

*Do not *argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 

*Be patient* and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you, HEAR what it is that they are saying! 

*Listen *and then listen some more! 

*Learn to back off*, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 

*Take care of you.* Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 
*
Be *strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 

*Know *that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 

*Do not *be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 

*Do not* focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! 

*Do not *believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 

*Do not* give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 

*Do not *backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 
*
When expressing *your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. 

This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. 

Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.


----------



## Chaparral

You may be nostalgic but you have seen who she really is. If you were to reconcile it will take three to five years to possibly get back to a somewhat normal relationship. It will never be completely without suspicion or pain.

Do you really want to gamble with that much of your life or play the odds with someone else?

My guess is you will have no problem on the dating scene.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Bellyscratch said:


> I agree completley, but I am at a disadvantage. Several weeks ago we had a huge thunder and rain storm and the power went out. As I was getting a flash light I tripped over the dog and broke my ankle and shoulder blade. I needed surgery and have been laid up since then. She must of found out because she came over to the house, but could not get in (changed all the locks and codes). So she was banging on the windows and seeing me in my recliner, she yelled at me to open the door. I admit, I was pissed and flipped her off. I guess she got the point and left. I am sticking to NC, but now she knows I am non-mobile I feel she is just going to stalk me.


Wait, you rode a motorcycle to Alaska and nothing but broke two bones crossing your living room? We might be related.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Just some advice, search out a few threads about remarrying your ex. There are some and what they did was divorce, end the marriage, date others and then date the ex again. A few remarried, but the completely ended the old marriage. i think a few actually made the spouse sign a prenup the second go around.


----------



## Robert22205

How long does it take to divorce in your state? Among other things, the 180 helps protect yourself from this stuff. Distance yourself and only respond to emails, texts, calls that are business/divorce related.

Glad you checked in. Maybe her family suggested she reach out for a second chance. A common toxic line of thought is " if he really loved you, he'd give you another chance". Anyone that says that is not your friend.

Only evaluate her actions (not her words).

Her reaching out now is totally predictable. Actually, I'm surprised she hasn't cried, curled up on the floor and crawled after you begging as you walk away. 

She experiencing consequences for her long term repeated decisions to cheat and lie. The OM dumped her and/or she's been exposed as a liar and cheat (probably getting a lot of negative feedback from family and friends) - so why wouldn't she reach out to old reliable you. 

She's in survival mode. She's hoping (if you take her back) she can minimize the consequences .... get her safe comfortable life back and her reputation as a cheater is soon forgotten. Her behavior is not based on love for you - but rather her own self interest.

Your reaction is also normal. Historically you've always been protective towards her plus there's a part of you that still 'hopes' this is all a bad dream and you can wake up to a happy marriage. Stand your ground based in the reality that your marriage no longer exists...she is not the girl you married...and protect yourself with the 180.

I know you walking close to the fire - but it gets better (a lot better).

If for some reason you need to remove (de escalate) the drama/emotions while waiting for the divorce, you can tell her that due to her affair you need the D for closure - but would consider dating her after the D. Therefore, if she cooperates with the D, there's hope for a new beginning later.


----------



## BluesPower

Bellyscratch said:


> Strange update:
> 
> So the divorce is on going, and she left the house and is living with a friend who happens to be "just a friend". We have been basically no contact (only contact is for financial issues, ie. bills, ect"). Starting Saturday night I get a phone call from her stating that she made a huge mistake and wants to work on "us" and save our marriage. Well, I have to say, if she asked for a million dollars, I would have been less surprised than her stating she wants to get back together.
> 
> I asked her why now and her only comment is that she missed "us" and she made stupid mistakes. I asked her where was her "friend" and she just diverted the question. So I came back here to ask "what the He** is going on. I don't want to get back together but she has a way of hitting the right buttons with me. It's confusing especially since she will not say why she really is acting this way.
> 
> Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this truely unexpected twist.


Her new boyfriend is not working out.

Really I am surprised that you are even asking the question.

She wants good old reliable plan B back...


----------



## Malaise

Bellyscratch said:


> I guess my new concern is if she is going to go total demented and where she might pop up. She is not violent, far from it, but this is a new personality trait I have not seen before. It is totally unexpected. If she wasn't a cheating b**** I would almost be impressed with her conviction. But I know it is all an act. I called my attorney and he said to record (video and audio) if I can for future hearings. I should also mention that the divorce was going quite well, but she must have hired an attorney because she is going full board aginst me now.


Restraining order.


----------



## ABHale

Good to have you back Bellyscratch. 

Like so many have said she is trying to play you. Just send her one text. “We will see after the divorce, you have destroyed this marriage and relationship.” 

Play nice but don’t get taken in. 

She has come out of the affair fog earlier then expected. You need her to feel there is hope after the divorce.


----------



## ABHale

Check this out Bellyscratch. Caught wife cheating with her best friend's husband. Search it on the web and you will find it on LS.


----------



## CraigBesuden

BluesPower said:


> Her new boyfriend is not working out.
> 
> Really I am surprised that you are even asking the question.
> 
> She wants good old reliable plan B back...


Isn’t it possible that he’s not Plan B? She loves him and wants to be married to him, but also wants lovers on the side? Maybe she’s just not a one-man woman.


----------



## OnTheFly

CraigBesuden said:


> Isn’t it possible that he’s not Plan B? She loves him and wants to be married to him, but also wants lovers on the side? Maybe she’s just not a one-man woman.


Possible, but not likely.

If true, however, she is then just a ''cake-eater'', and the OPs path should not waver.


----------



## skerzoid

bellyscratch:

Part of the problem was that she cheated on you before in an EA (PA?). She got away with it without consequences.

Now you are starting to waiver? You need to understand that you don't need her lying, cheating, & whoring in your life.

She is a* Serial* Cheater (not unlike a *Serial* Killer or *Serial* Rapist). She cannot change. She's a career criminal. Make no mistake about this. *Infidelity is a crime*.

It causes violence including murder & suicide in some instances. It destroys families, causes divorces, causes children to grow up in broken homes. It is one of the worst problems we face in modern civilization. There is a reason that adultery is mentioned in the 10 Commandments. This is what she is. 

You, as a law enforcement officer, should understand the mindset. *She is addicted to her mindset. SHE WILL NOT CHANGE.*


----------



## dubsey

I'd just play her one of the audio/video segments and say "not sure how we work on this - this seems like a pretty active choice, not a mistake"


----------



## alte Dame

You were the provider. She loved the look of your lifestyle. Why else was she swanning around town in your car? She was showing off how well-off she is.

It's great to have the ego stroked when the cheater comes back asking to reconsider. 'I made a mistake!' The humiliation of being cheated on is overlaid with vindication.

If I were you, though, I would take her latest revelation not as an honest admission that she loves and misses you, but as recognition that you have the fatter wallet.

The great soulmate love story often goes sour when the thrill of the hidden affair is over. Real life is much less exciting to these people. That doesn't mean that she is a remorseful cheater. Far from it. Cake-eating cheater is more like it.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Chaparral said:


> You may be nostalgic but you have seen who she really is. If you were to reconcile it will take three to five years to possibly get back to a somewhat normal relationship. It will never be completely without suspicion or pain.
> 
> Do you really want to gamble with that much of your life or play the odds with someone else?
> 
> My guess is you will have no problem on the dating scene.



Very good advice. A good friend of mine laid it out for me. He said that I should try to think of my life 5 or 10 years from now and look at the options. If you stay with her, can you see yourself trusting her completely or will there still be doubts because of her affair or if you divorce, do you see your life without her acceptable and maybe with someone eles. I thought about this for seveal weeks and I just will always think about her cheating and I don't think this will be acceptable to me. So the divorce train is still rolling down the tracks.


----------



## dubsey

Right, and that's how you can more or less, phrase it to her when she asks for another chance.

you: how many people did you actually cheat on me with?
her: Just the one
you: I'm not sure I believe you, and that will always be the problem. Even when you're not lying to me, I'll never believe it.

Then tell her once it's all done and dusted and the divorce is in place, you're more than willing to cheat with her on the other man - but you'll no longer be her ATM.


----------



## bandit.45

Nucking Futs said:


> Wait, you rode a motorcycle to Alaska and nothing but broke two bones crossing your living room? We might be related.


I rode a rented Road King 450 miles on a sightseeing trip with some colleagues in California a few years back. I rode through the twisties up the PCH to Pebble Beach, made several stops and even did a nice side slide to avoid an idiot who backed out in front of me. No problems at all.

As I was riding the last mile back to the rental dealership I pulled over at a station in Santa Monica to gas her back up and lost my footing and dumped that 1200 pound bike right in front of the gas pump. Bent and scratched the transfer case cover, saddle bin and side-pipe to hell, and broke the left side mirror off. Thank goodness I had purchased the loss waiver or I'd still be paying for that beotch.


----------



## BluesPower

Bellyscratch said:


> Very good advice. A good friend of mine laid it out for me. He said that I should try to think of my life 5 or 10 years from now and look at the options. If you stay with her, can you see yourself trusting her completely or will there still be doubts because of her affair or if you divorce, do you see your life without her acceptable and maybe with someone eles. I thought about this for seveal weeks and I just will always think about her cheating and I don't think this will be acceptable to me. So the divorce train is still rolling down the tracks.


While this is really sound thinking, there is more to the equation... 

It is not just that you will never trust her again. It is that she is not trust worthy. And, in a couple of years of playing the field, you can pick one to marry or just be with if you want to. Then see how that goes, but the odds are that you will never be this stupid again. We hope.

And look at all the pain and heartache you saved yourself from... Think of this like compound interest instead of straight interest...


----------



## colingrant

Bellyscratch said:


> Very good advice. A good friend of mine laid it out for me. He said that I should try to think of my life 5 or 10 years from now and look at the options. If you stay with her, can you see yourself trusting her completely or will there still be doubts because of her affair or if you divorce, do you see your life without her acceptable and maybe with someone eles. I thought about this for seveal weeks and I just will always think about her cheating and I don't think this will be acceptable to me. So the divorce train is still rolling down the tracks.


Staying the course is as easy as reading the correspondence between the two of them the moment you start softening. 

The accusations. 
The belittlement. 
The money. 
The lies. 
The Car
The disrespect. 
The dishonor. 
The Dinners
The Deceit.
The Hotel
The Sex.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Malaise said:


> *Restraining order.*




Just wanted to make sure @Bellyscratch gives this some real consideration. It's a win/win.



_


----------



## lucy999

So she came slithering back. We all knew she would.

Y-A-W-N.

She doesn't miss "us". She misses all the creature comforts you provided.

She isn't special or unique. She is a garden variety cheater. She spouts bull**** from The Cheater's Script 101. Her generic "I miss us" is utter horse****. If she really did miss and love you and want to repair things, she'd be more specific: I miss the way you make me laugh, I miss the way you smell, I miss making your coffee in the morning, I miss our walks after dinner . . . See what I'm saying?

Next time she talks, imagine the voice of Charlie Brown's teacher. You know the voice. The wah waaah wah droning drivel. But you really should go no contact.

Lastly, don't try to unravel the skein of ****edupness, as Chump Lady says. Just trust that she sucks.

Keep it moving, Hoss. You're doing great.

PS-so sorry about your accident at home! I second the vote for a hot nurse!!

PPS-her "friend" dumped her.


----------



## Bellyscratch

skerzoid said:


> bellyscratch
> 
> 1. *Play her in reverse. Act as though you are interested.*
> 
> 2. *Keep the divorce going.*
> 
> 3. *Keep digging. You will find what she's up to.*
> 
> 4. *Have her take a polygraph if you are really interested in the truth.*
> 
> 5. *Have a woman friend come over and take care of you. She will find out about that.*
> 
> 6.* Do the 180 religiously.Read through this:*
> The 180 for Hurt Spouses
> The 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person.
> 
> Who should do these steps? You'll need to evaluate them, and use the ones that apply to your situation. Some of these are good for anyone to do. Like not following them around the house. You don't want to look like a puppy dog that can't stand to be away from its owner. Others may only be appropriate if your spouse isn't cooperating with rebuilding. Others you may want to do "in case" but don't require you to follow through on anything that would be divisive.
> 
> But if your spouse is being cooperative, many of these you don't want to do. Like no frequent phone calls or not going on dates—those would be counterproductive to a cooperative unfaithful spouse, making them feel their efforts are wrong or not helping when they really are. Plus, the idea with a cooperative unfaithful spouse is to spend time with them, both of those good ways to do that, within moderation.
> 
> The more uncooperative an unfaithful spouse is, the more of these that apply. So evaluate each one whether it would help or hurt in your situation. But the overall goal of these should be kept in mind: to help the hurt spouse project confidence, independence, and emotional distance to the unfaithful spouse in order to prepare the hurt spouse for eventual separation, should it occur, and hopefully move the unfaithful spouse from the uncooperative category to the cooperative one.
> 
> Following is the 180 list of behaviors. I’ve left the original formatting and wording of the quote. A bit wordy in places, and too much reliance upon exclamation points and all caps for emphasis.
> 
> The 180 for Hurt Spouses
> 
> *Don't* pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
> 
> *No *frequent phone calls.
> 
> *Don't* point out "good points" in marriage.
> 
> *Don't* follow her/him around the house.
> 
> *Don't* encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
> 
> *Don't* ask for help from the family members of your wayward spouse.
> 
> *Don't* ask for reassurances.
> *
> Don't* buy or give gifts.
> 
> *Don't s*chedule dates together.
> 
> *Don't* keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very loveable.
> 
> *Do *more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
> 
> *Be *cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
> 
> *Don't *sit around waiting on your spouse—get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
> 
> When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) *be scarce* or short on words. Don't push any issue. No matter how much you want to!
> 
> If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, *ASK NOTHING*. Seem totally uninterested.
> 
> Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack there of) of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with your life without them!
> 
> *Don't* be nasty, angry or even cold—Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
> 
> No matter what you are feeling TODAY, *only* show your spouse happiness and contentment.
> 
> *Make* yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
> 
> *All* questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
> 
> *Do not *allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control, YOURSELF!
> 
> *Don't* be overly enthusiastic.
> 
> *Do not *argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
> 
> *Be patient* and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you, HEAR what it is that they are saying!
> 
> *Listen *and then listen some more!
> 
> *Learn to back off*, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
> 
> *Take care of you.* Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
> *
> Be *strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
> 
> *Know *that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
> 
> *Do not *be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
> 
> *Do not* focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
> 
> *Do not *believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
> 
> *Do not* give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
> 
> *Do not *backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
> *
> When expressing *your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.
> 
> This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.
> 
> Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the affair partner.




Cut this post out and taped it to the medicine cabinet.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Nucking Futs said:


> Wait, you rode a motorcycle to Alaska and nothing but broke two bones crossing your living room? We might be related.



And it was her damn dog too.


----------



## Bellyscratch

CraigBesuden said:


> Isn’t it possible that he’s not Plan B? She loves him and wants to be married to him, but also wants lovers on the side? Maybe she’s just not a one-man woman.


No, it is not possible...I am Plan B, C and D.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Well, I need some seriously good advice right now. I told my attorney what was happening and all he could say was "Oh no". I think I mentioned that my wife hired an attorney, who must have mentioned that I cannot "kick her" out of our house. So she is moving in. When she left I changed the locks and codes in the house. She cannot touch the house in the divorce but she can live in it. My questions is "what am I going to do?" I'm not very ambulatory right now and she is going to be here. It could be like Kathy Bates brutalizing James Caan in "Misery". My attorney is looking for something in the Statutes, but she is coming soon. Any advice is needed.


----------



## MattMatt

Say you fear for your life.

If your wife has access, so does her lover or lovers.

As you can't move well, you don't know what she would do.

The "But i wouldn't hurt Bellyscratch, I love him!" argument can be countered with "Yes, but you promised never to cheat on him. And yet, you did."


----------



## Robert22205

Her current behavior is not an act of love. Rather her behavior is as selfish, entitled and lacking in empathy (for you) as her long term affair. 

Consult with your attorney about filing for a restraining order (include some proof of adultery with your filing) that would keep her out of the house (at least until you are able to move on your own). Once she moves in it will be difficult to get her out.

It's up to the Judge based on the facts and circumstances of each couple. There's no kids and she's not on the deed and she's a long term adulterer - and she can support herself. I think there's grounds to at least delay granting her access to the house for 60 days.

If that fails, consider having someone to move in to help you 24/7; move to another room and setting up an apartment within the house.

Finally, if you have to leave for your own mental health: shut off all utilities and board up the house.

Run every thing past your attorney before taking any action.

She still has something to loose by forcing herself on you. Has her family seen any of your evidence? Do you have a facebook account? Perhaps she would like to avoid seeing some of her texts posted or shared with her family.


----------



## jlg07

I think MattMatt's idea is great -- get a restraining order since you are incapacitated. IF you can't do that, make sure you put HER in a different room and put a lock on your bedroom. At the very least try to separate yourself as much as you can.


----------



## dubsey

yeah, see if you can get a temporary protection order. 

...You're going through an ugly divorce, you don't have the ability to defend yourself or protect items in the home should she become unhinged...

something like that.


----------



## personofinterest

dubsey said:


> yeah, see if you can get a temporary protection order.
> 
> ...You're going through an ugly divorce, you don't have the ability to defend yourself or protect items in the home should she become unhinged...
> 
> something like that.


This


----------



## OnTheFly

Have a rotating shift of cop buddies over visiting all the time.

Get ready to meet Batman's nemesis, Two-Face, on steroids.


----------



## Marc878

Can you get a buddy to move in temporarily until you get back on your feet?


----------



## lucy999

I echo the others. Get a friend to temporarily move in with you or at the very least, hang out with you. Can you hire that hot nurse? Not joking.

I really like the TRO option. 

Get your attorney moving on it immediately.

Or at the very least, sequester yourself in your master bedroom and put a lock on it. Have your meals delivered.


----------



## CraigBesuden

Does she have enemies who live nearby?

Does she hate dogs? Cats? Rats? Snakes? Tarantulas? Loud music at 2am? Horrible odors? Being referred to as “the cheating *****”? Itching powder in her panties?

Just curious. Not recommending any course of action.


----------



## TDSC60

Has she absolutely announced her intention to move back in? If so she is being advised to do so by a lawyer.

A TRO is not such a bad idea since you are limited in your ability to move around. I'm fairly sure you could get a doctor to support you because you need to avoid stress while healing. I can think of little else more stressful than having her in your house.

She is definitely up to something and what ever it is you can be sure it is not for your benefit.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Well, I took the "bull by the horns" and told her to come over so we can talk about moving in and where her mind is. I always prefer to talk to people face to face instead of by text, phone and emails. Training has told me that watching people facial features and body motions can reveal allot regarding truthfullness.

So she comes over all bubbly and bouncy throwing "I love you's" all over the place. She tries to give me a kiss and she only met the paper I was holding to block her face. She looked shocked. So I said that if the law says you can come back into my house, there are rules to follow.

1. The divorce is going to happen, no matter what you planning to do.
2. My bedroom (master bedroom) and office are my space and you are not entitled to enter. A friend put locks on both rooms.
3. You are required to pay one half of the bills.
4. All credit cards have been cancelled. If you want one, go get one in your name.
5. No friends or potential lovers, boyfriends or whatever are allowed.
6. You must buy and cook your own food, I have my own.
7. I am selling the car you are driving, so you might want to look for another.

At this point she just started crying and walked out of the house. I yelled at her to take her dog, but she appeared not to hear me. So I know she wants me to cave and she can come back like nothing happened. Other than that, I don't know what her next move may be.

Also, I took my sports car and it is now parked in a collegue's garage.

So, this is where it is now. Any helpful comments?


----------



## Marc878

She was going to put you in a ***** coma and rugsweep this. Then you'd get to go through it again with the next guy she bangs.

You played it perfectly.

Her boyfriend dumped her and she has nowhere else to go.

She's not your problem now so let her pull up her big girl panties and figured it out.


----------



## Marc878

Bellyscratch said:


> So she comes over all bubbly and bouncy throwing "I love you's" all over the place. She tries to give me a kiss and she only met the paper I was holding to block her face. She looked shocked. So I said that if the law says you can come back into my house, there are rules to follow.
> 
> So, this is where it is now. Any helpful comments?


Nice block. You know where her mouth has been. You'd probably better get tested for STD's.

You don't know where meatloaf has been.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Marc878 said:


> She was going to put you in a ***** coma and rugsweep this. Then you'd get to go through it again with the next guy she bangs.
> 
> You played it perfectly.
> 
> Her boyfriend dumped her and she has nowhere else to go.
> 
> She's not your problem now so let her pull up her big girl panties and figured it out.


It is still hard to play hard ball because she stills pulls on some of my heart strings, but history is history and you can never totally let it go.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Good Lord, this is so tiring.


----------



## skerzoid

bellyscratch:

OOPS!! She just found out there's a new sheriff in town.


----------



## Marc878

Upfront many just want them back but later the reality and heartburn of buyers remourse sets in.

Better stay strong and get out of this. The capability for her to do this again is there. Especially with her attitude.


----------



## lucy999

Bellyscratch said:


> Well, I took the "bull by the horns" and told her to come over so we can talk about moving in and where her mind is. I always prefer to talk to people face to face instead of by text, phone and emails. Training has told me that watching people facial features and body motions can reveal allot regarding truthfullness.
> 
> So she comes over all bubbly and bouncy throwing "I love you's" all over the place. She tries to give me a kiss and she only met the paper I was holding to block her face. She looked shocked. So I said that if the law says you can come back into my house, there are rules to follow.
> 
> 1. The divorce is going to happen, no matter what you planning to do.
> 2. My bedroom (master bedroom) and office are my space and you are not entitled to enter. A friend put locks on both rooms.
> 3. You are required to pay one half of the bills.
> 4. All credit cards have been cancelled. If you want one, go get one in your name.
> 5. No friends or potential lovers, boyfriends or whatever are allowed.
> 6. You must buy and cook your own food, I have my own.
> 7. I am selling the car you are driving, so you might want to look for another.
> 
> At this point she just started crying and walked out of the house. I yelled at her to take her dog, but she appeared not to hear me. So I know she wants me to cave and she can come back like nothing happened. Other than that, I don't know what her next move may be.
> 
> Also, I took my sports car and it is now parked in a collegue's garage.
> 
> So, this is where it is now. Any helpful comments?


You, sir, handled it like a boss.


----------



## lucy999

Bellyscratch said:


> It is still hard to play hard ball because she stills pulls on some of my heart strings, but history is history and you can never totally let it go.


You best harden your heart pronto. She has behaved deplorably. History doesn't mean ****. Quit romanticizing your relationship. She doesn't love you or want to R for the right reasons.

Sorry for the 2x4 but you need it. You're in a very vulnerable position right now. You're making great progress. Don't let it go to hell now.


----------



## Malaise

Bellyscratch said:


> Well, I took the "bull by the horns" and told her to come over so we can talk about moving in and where her mind is. I always prefer to talk to people face to face instead of by text, phone and emails. Training has told me that watching people facial features and body motions can reveal allot regarding truthfullness.
> 
> So she comes over all bubbly and bouncy throwing "I love you's" all over the place. She tries to give me a kiss and she only met the paper I was holding to block her face. She looked shocked. So I said that if the law says you can come back into my house, there are rules to follow.
> 
> 1. The divorce is going to happen, no matter what you planning to do.
> 2. My bedroom (master bedroom) and office are my space and you are not entitled to enter. A friend put locks on both rooms.
> 3. You are required to pay one half of the bills.
> 4. All credit cards have been cancelled. If you want one, go get one in your name.
> 5. No friends or potential lovers, boyfriends or whatever are allowed.
> 6. You must buy and cook your own food, I have my own.
> 7. I am selling the car you are driving, so you might want to look for another.
> 
> At this point she just started crying and walked out of the house. I yelled at her to take her dog, but she appeared not to hear me. So I know she wants me to cave and she can come back like nothing happened. Other than that, I don't know what her next move may be.
> 
> Also, I took my sports car and it is now parked in a collegue's garage.
> 
> So, this is where it is now. Any helpful comments?


Well played. May I suggest a VAR whenever you speak to her. May prevent a false domestic violence charge.


----------



## Chuck71

Bellyscratch said:


> Strange update:
> 
> So the divorce is on going, and she left the house and is living with a friend who happens to be "just a friend". We have been basically no contact (only contact is for financial issues, ie. bills, ect"). Starting Saturday night I get a phone call from her stating that she made a huge mistake and wants to work on "us" and save our marriage. Well, I have to say, if she asked for a million dollars, I would have been less surprised than her stating she wants to get back together.
> 
> I asked her why now and her only comment is that she missed "us" and she made stupid mistakes. I asked her where was her "friend" and she just diverted the question. So I came back here to ask "what the He** is going on. I don't want to get back together but she has a way of hitting the right buttons with me. It's confusing especially since she will not say why she really is acting this way.
> 
> Any ideas or suggestions on how to handle this truely unexpected twist.


She is in damage control. Her world is having a continuous earthquake and she is seeking

anything stable. Her feelings will change, just like they always have. No matter what.... D.....full

steam ahead.


----------



## Chuck71

Bellyscratch said:


> Yes...you are absolutly right. I was content in my marriage ending and coming to some terms with moving on, but this was like a* sucker punch in the gut*. I just don't know why now.


It was this because you still love her. Not a damn thing wrong with that. I still love who my

XW... WAS, not who she is now, last month or last year(s). Who she is now and who she was way back when

are two totally different people. Separate them. You gave her exactly what she wanted......

to be with Meathead. You will see numerous spin outs from her but always remember.....

She is showing you who she really is.......believe her


----------



## Marc878

Many BS get fooled by the waywards self preservation mode upfront (they'll promise the moon to save their lifestyle) but never change. That's all you're seeing.

Hopium at this time will get you a repeat of what you've already been through.


----------



## Robert22205

Excellent move to confront her directly about moving in. It's the kind of thing an honest man would do. 

She's in denial as to her inappropriate behavior and the total devastation that she caused to her marriage (and to you).
She's still exhibiting the personality characteristics that enabled her to cheat on you (selfish, entitled, and devoid of empathy for you).
She wants her husband back but not because she loves you.

Even though you still have feelings for her (which is not unexpected) you must protect yourself from her. Continue to focus on distancing yourself from her - and getting yourself out of infidelity.


----------



## TDSC60

Bellyscratch said:


> It is still hard to play hard ball because she stills pulls on some of my heart strings, but history is history and you can never totally let it go.


History is history and if you refuse to learn from it you are doomed to repeat it.

History - she decided to have sex with a friend of your's without breaking up with you first. Her excuse - she was young and wanted to live life. Funny that she never told you. Live life means she wanted other men while keeping you in the dark.

History - she had an EA with meathead and neglected to tell you. She claimed she stopped but never did. (My money says she had sex with him back then).

History - she decided to have sex with meathead. Told him she loved him. Complained about you to him. Had weekly dates and trips with him. Again, she decided not to tell you and attempted to hide it.

History - she is a selfish cheater and always has been.

History - she wants her fun with other men and goes after what she wants all the while keeping you in the dark and hiding WHO SHE IS. She is very good at convincing you she will do better if only you will forget about her wanting and chasing other men.

History - you love her and she keeps betraying you.

History is history. So please do not forget her history with other men.

Do not repeat history with her. She cannot change who she is and you cannot change her or fix her.


----------



## Chuck71

Bellyscratch said:


> I agree completley, but I am at a disadvantage. Several weeks ago we had a huge thunder and rain storm and the power went out. As I was getting a flash light I tripped over the dog and broke my ankle and shoulder blade. I needed surgery and have been laid up since then. She must of found out because she came over to the house, but could not get in (changed all the locks and codes). So she was banging on the windows and seeing me in my recliner, she yelled at me to open the door. I admit, I was pissed and flipped her off. I guess she got the point and left. I am sticking to NC, but now she knows I am non-mobile I feel she is just going to stalk me.


:rofl::rofl::rofl: Way back in late '12, me and Window Cork were going through our 60 day wait for

the D to be final. She wasn't moving out till it was over. We had one key and I always had it.

I knew I was getting the house so it was just a waiting game. She came home, December so it was 

already dark. I had everything locked and was playing Madden football. Doorbell rang over and over,

banging on the windows, screaming. I finished my game and went to open the garage door.

There she was mad as hell. -It's about damn time. I was about to crawl through that window-

I looked over at the window, looked back at her and chuckled. -You think it's funny don't you-

She stormed off into the house as the foundation shook. That night.... I laughed for the first time in a 

long while. And I knew I was going to make it. And that's how she got the nickname, WC.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Just a quick update:

She has moved in. Her father and brothers were there for her protection, I guess. I really don't know why they showed up. If they thought she might be unsafe, why have her move in. I think they came as muscle so I would stop "harassing" my wife with my rules and attitude. So they all pile out of their POS mini van and come into the house like it was theirs. Well, they immediately were introduced to my best friend and lawyer sitting on the couch next to me. Her father stated to me after the introduction "attorney, so you are really going through with it?" This is going to be unbearable. Her brothers were cussing me under their breaths, which I of course heard. My friend kept looking at me to see if I would respond, but I kept my cool. I just keep remembering that she will be out of my life soon and this is a temparary set back. So after everyone left, she turned on the waterworks pleading to work it out. I just turned on my recorder and held it up to her, which I have to admit she didnt like. I told her every conversation we have will be recorded for my protection and hers. I have to say that it had the intended effect. She stomped off down to her room and slamed the door. The friend who is renting a room from me till he finds a new place is moving in tomorrow. I have not told her yet. I have to admit that I am feeling a high level of anxiety not knowing her next move. I just want everyone to go away so I can relax and re-think my new life goals and priorities.

That's it so far.


----------



## Tilted 1

A renter and being your friend is a good idea. 

Much luck!


----------



## ABHale

Is the friend renting the room female?>

Keep the recorder going at all times bro.


----------



## TJW

TDSC60 said:


> History - she wants her fun with other men and goes after what she wants all the while keeping you in the dark and hiding WHO SHE IS.


My XWW became a "dry drunk".... she stopped drinking, but kept all the thought patterns and habits which made her an alcoholic. The immaculate adulterer......

Not gonna change. She "white knuckled" it..... but, mentally, she remained a person who wanted a compartmentalized life - "support guy" at home, "fun guy (bad boy)" on the side.....she wanted me to "rug sweep", no actual work or change on her part.....

I think from what I read, this is exactly what you have. Her father and brothers coming over as henchmen proves she's lying to them.

Love and marriage.....horse and carriage.....liar and cheater.....


----------



## Chuck71

Bellyscratch said:


> Just a quick update:
> 
> She has moved in. Her father and brothers were there for her protection, I guess. I really don't know why they showed up. If they thought she might be unsafe, why have her move in. I think they came as muscle so I would stop "harassing" my wife with my rules and attitude. So they all pile out of their POS mini van and come into the house like it was theirs. Well, they immediately were introduced to my best friend and lawyer sitting on the couch next to me. Her father stated to me after the introduction "attorney, so you are really going through with it?" This is going to be unbearable. Her brothers were cussing me under their breaths, which I of course heard. My friend kept looking at me to see if I would respond, but I kept my cool. I just keep remembering that she will be out of my life soon and this is a temparary set back. So after everyone left, she turned on the waterworks pleading to work it out. I just turned on my recorder and held it up to her, which I have to admit she didnt like. I told her every conversation we have will be recorded for my protection and hers. I have to say that it had the intended effect. She stomped off down to her room and slamed the door. The friend who is renting a room from me till he finds a new place is moving in tomorrow. I have not told her yet. I have to admit that I am feeling a high level of anxiety not knowing her next move. I just want everyone to go away so I can relax and re-think my new life goals and priorities.
> 
> That's it so far.


Have video inventory of all your stuff. Give it time and she will start breaking your stuff.

Go ahead and draw up what is yours, hers, and the crap you will have to fight over. You could play this

one of two ways....1-Go Deep Space cold...and maybe she will get fed up and leave. 2-Tell her you would

consider something AFTER the D is final. But her cheating killed this M and it should be buried.

Give you time to mourn and leave you the F alone. After the D, tell her to F off.


----------



## shortbus

After the comment from her father, I've got to ask, have you exposed to her family? Not sure if this was brought up in this thread yet.

From the looks of it, they probably wouldn't buy it or would minimize it anyway.

Good on you for having a roommate move in.

I hope all goes well and wishing you a speedy divorce. You will certainly be able to heal afterwards.


----------



## Marc878

You protected yourself nicely. Keep it up. She brought in reinforcements to try and muscle her way back in.

Her attitude at the confrontation and now tell you everything you need to know. She's just an entitled princess. 

I cheated but it's my rite for you to give me another chance???? Really??? Where is that written???

All you'd get is more of the same. Zero remourse = a repeat.


----------



## Marc878

And another thing. . Her family knows. For the most part blood is thicker than water.

They are probably all cut out of the same mold. Low class.


----------



## Marc878

I think under the circumstances I'd have asked her. Don't you think you'd be more comfortable at your boyfriends house?


----------



## alte Dame

In-house separation is never nice, I don't think. You sound like you're doing as well as you possibly can at this point. Keep on keeping your cool. The father and brothers thing is very telling - it means that she can't stand alone with you; she needs reinforcements. You have the high ground, though, so don't let them get to you.

She doesn't have keys to your car anymore, does she?


----------



## Marc878

I think I'd have a bbq this weekend. Invite all your friends.


----------



## TDSC60

Marc878 said:


> I think I'd have a bbq this weekend. Invite all your friends.


Not until he heals from his surgery.

Then throw a stitches out or cast off party.


----------



## lucy999

This is the second time I've said this @Bellyscratch. You handled that like a BOSS. Especially your holding up the recorder when she started with her theatrics. Well played!!! 

Love that your lawyer was there during her move in and that your friend is moving in.

I think a near constant stream of friends coming to "check on you" oh- and your now roommate's friends in and out of the house will drive her mad. 

I still vote for the hot nurse! Your STBX's head would explode. *giggle*


----------



## colingrant

Bellyscratch said:


> Just a quick update:
> 
> She has moved in. Her father and brothers were there for her protection, I guess. I really don't know why they showed up. If they thought she might be unsafe, why have her move in. I think they came as muscle so I would stop "harassing" my wife with my rules and attitude. So they all pile out of their POS mini van and come into the house like it was theirs. Well, they immediately were introduced to my best friend and lawyer sitting on the couch next to me. Her father stated to me after the introduction "attorney, so you are really going through with it?" This is going to be unbearable. Her brothers were cussing me under their breaths, which I of course heard. My friend kept looking at me to see if I would respond, but I kept my cool. I just keep remembering that she will be out of my life soon and this is a temparary set back. So after everyone left, she turned on the waterworks pleading to work it out. I just turned on my recorder and held it up to her, which I have to admit she didnt like. I told her every conversation we have will be recorded for my protection and hers. I have to say that it had the intended effect. She stomped off down to her room and slamed the door. The friend who is renting a room from me till he finds a new place is moving in tomorrow. I have not told her yet. I have to admit that I am feeling a high level of anxiety not knowing her next move. I just want everyone to go away so I can relax and re-think my new life goals and priorities.
> 
> That's it so far.


I visit your thread everyday to read stuff like this post. So refreshing to see a man stand up for himself and follow through with what is best for him and/or his marriage and family. Way to take your life back. Nice job and keep posting. I have my popcorn ready! I especially like the scenes where the cheating spouse gets EXACTLY what they deserve and you're supplying them for me. Please, leave out no detail. Purely selfish on my part admittedly, but so what!!!!


----------



## Robert22205

She may have told her family that you were verbally abusive or some other false justification for her affair.
(Answer: if that was true and life with you was a living hell - why is she so desperate to R?)

Did you expose the length and depth of her affair (or affairs ... it was twice as I recall) to her family?

I think you are doing all you can do for the moment. Good to have someone move in to act as a witness. It's a wise move to involve your attorney first hand so he can speak about her bullying strategy (towards a disabled public servant) to the court from actual experience (which adds to his credibility when speaking before the Judge). 

Since you're disabled it's unlikely she can set you up with a domestic violence charge. But record all interactions anyway (including with her family or friends). 

In view of the hostility from her and her family towards a disabled cuckold did you ask your attorney about filing for a court order directing her to vacate the premises???

How long does a divorce take in your state?

If the tension and drama of her living in the house gets too high, you can de escalate by holding out some thin chance of R if she stays away from you or she goes to IC (anything to stall while the divorce proceeds). Better yet there's a chance of R if she moves out.


----------



## the guy

If I was you I would remodel the house....find the dirtiest contractor with the worst reputation.
1st.... get the demo started...sometimes the power and water need to be "disconnected" for a short time.
2nd.... stock the materials...often that requires large piles of lumber and drywall to be stacked in the middle of the living room, dinning room, and even the hall way.

In some cases an exterior opening may need to be left open for access for "heavy equipment"....never the less that sheet of plastic covering that opening really doesn't keep "things" out of the remodel.

Nothing is more inconvenient then carpenters making noise and dust at 7 AM in the middle of your torn up kitchen.

Hope this helps.....just thinking out side the box for your **** situation.


----------



## TDSC60

I have to wonder about her family's attitude. I expect them to side with her as far as protecting her goes. But her father asking if you intend to proceed with the divorce and her bother's cursing you make me think that she has not told them the truth of the affair.

You might want to consider that and contact her father to let him know the truth. His support might not be so strong if you do. He might even tell her to give it up and come back home.


----------



## MattMatt

TDSC60 said:


> I have to wonder about her family's attitude. I expect them to side with her as far as protecting her goes. But her father asking if you intend to proceed with the divorce and her bother's cursing you make me think that she has not told them the truth of the affair.
> 
> You might want to consider that and contact her father to let him know the truth. His support might not be so strong if you do. He might even tell her to give it up and come back home.


They might know the truth, but not particularly care about what she has done?


----------



## ABHale

Hey Bellyscratch, how are you doing?


----------



## Bellyscratch

alte Dame said:


> In-house separation is never nice, I don't think. You sound like you're doing as well as you possibly can at this point. Keep on keeping your cool. The father and brothers thing is very telling - it means that she can't stand alone with you; she needs reinforcements. You have the high ground, though, so don't let them get to you.
> 
> She doesn't have keys to your car anymore, does she?


I caved a little and let her drive my car she has been driving till I get on my feet or the D goes through. I really don't want her to lose her job at this time.


----------



## Bellyscratch

TDSC60 said:


> Not until he heals from his surgery.
> 
> Then throw a stitches out or cast off party.


Excellent idea...and I just got a boot for my ankle so I am somewhat mobile. Anything to get away from this nightmare.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Chuck71 said:


> She is in damage control. Her world is having a continuous earthquake and she is seeking
> 
> anything stable. Her feelings will change, just like they always have. No matter what.... D.....full
> 
> steam ahead.


Yep Chuck, I agree whole heartedly. But I still feel under the current living conditions that I am treading water with no land in sight. She is so suffocating.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Robert22205 said:


> Excellent move to confront her directly about moving in. It's the kind of thing an honest man would do.
> 
> She's in denial as to her inappropriate behavior and the total devastation that she caused to her marriage (and to you).
> She's still exhibiting the personality characteristics that enabled her to cheat on you (selfish, entitled, and devoid of empathy for you). She wants her husband back but not because she loves you.
> 
> Even though you still have feelings for her (which is not unexpected) you must protect yourself from her. Continue to focus on distancing yourself from her - and getting yourself out of infidelity.


She did have the nerve to try to push her decision to cheat on what I have not done in our marriage, and how she felt a
alone in our communication and relationship. I asked her for examples and she brought up our last vacation to Costa Rica where I did not give her enough attention while at dinner. I remeber replying that I did take her to CR and other places and counties every year of our marriage. And the "non attention" at dinner was because she was so drunk that nobody at the table wanted to interact with her. She didn't remember those details, of course.


----------



## Bellyscratch

ABHale said:


> Is the friend renting the room female?>
> 
> Keep the recorder going at all times bro.


No unfortunatley. He is one of my best friends from grade school, and we have always stayed close throughout the years.


----------



## Bellyscratch

TJW said:


> My XWW became a "dry drunk".... she stopped drinking, but kept all the thought patterns and habits which made her an alcoholic. The immaculate adulterer......
> 
> Not gonna change. She "white knuckled" it..... but, mentally, she remained a person who wanted a compartmentalized life - "support guy" at home, "fun guy (bad boy)" on the side.....she wanted me to "rug sweep", no actual work or change on her part.....
> 
> I think from what I read, this is exactly what you have. Her father and brothers coming over as henchmen proves she's lying to them.
> 
> Love and marriage.....horse and carriage.....liar and cheater.....


It was kinda funny when they came over to show support and try to intimidate me for her mistakes. As far as I am concerned, they can all get in a mini van and drive off a cliff and still I won't be sad.


----------



## Chuck71

Bellyscratch said:


> Yep Chuck, I agree whole heartedly. But I still feel under the current living conditions that I am treading water with no land in sight. She is so suffocating.


I used to be in the line of work you are still in....... profile her.

And act accordingly....


----------



## Bellyscratch

shortbus said:


> After the comment from her father, I've got to ask, have you exposed to her family? Not sure if this was brought up in this thread yet.
> 
> From the looks of it, they probably wouldn't buy it or would minimize it anyway.
> 
> Good on you for having a roommate move in.
> 
> I hope all goes well and wishing you a speedy divorce. You will certainly be able to heal afterwards.


The whole family can go to H***.


----------



## Marc878

Bellyscratch said:


> She did have the nerve to try to push her decision to cheat on what I have not done in our marriage, and how she felt a
> alone in our communication and relationship. I asked her for examples and she brought up our last vacation to Costa Rica where I did not give her enough attention while at dinner. I remeber replying that I did take her to CR and other places and counties every year of our marriage. And the "non attention" at dinner was because she was so drunk that nobody at the table wanted to interact with her. She didn't remember those details, of course.


This is typical cheater script. Blame shifting her affair onto you. 

You'd be wise to knock of the discussions with her. You'll get worse than nothing out of those.


----------



## Bellyscratch

ABHale said:


> Hey Bellyscratch, how are you doing?


Doing alright I guess. I have bouts of depression (more like feeling sorry for myself) and exhilaration that she will be gone and someone elses nightmare. She says that she is no longer meeting up with the butcher and looks at me while saying this, sort of like all hopefull that I will forgive her or congratulate her for not continuing to screw the guy, she still could be but I really have come to the conclusion that I don't give a rats a** (sorry for the run on sentence). She is kind of like a puppy who wants praise for not pissing on the carpet. It's a wierd characteristic.


----------



## Bellyscratch

Chuck71 said:


> I used to be in the line of work you are still in....... profile her.
> 
> And act accordingly....


I tell you what brother, she needs a 5150 if you know what I mean.


----------



## Bellyscratch

lucy999 said:


> This is the second time I've said this @Bellyscratch. You handled that like a BOSS. Especially your holding up the recorder when she started with her theatrics. Well played!!!
> 
> Love that your lawyer was there during her move in and that your friend is moving in.
> 
> I think a near constant stream of friends coming to "check on you" oh- and your now roommate's friends in and out of the house will drive her mad.
> 
> I still vote for the hot nurse! Your STBX's head would explode. *giggle*


Thanks for the reply. I was not going to be there alone while her side of the family were going to out number me. Plus, they did not know he was my attorney until I introduced him to them, then it was all crickets sounds. It was great.


----------



## Chuck71

Bellyscratch said:


> I tell you what brother, she needs a 5150 if you know what I mean.


Don't send her to a Van Halen concert! Hell...take me! I'll chip in on gas


----------



## Bellyscratch

Update:

So I was put in a boot so I can start walking around. It is still very painful, but I will continue to walk till its bearable, then get out of the house and to light duty at work. I will do anything... I mean anything to get out of the house for a day. We have a counseling session Monday, and the only reason I am going is to show the courts my concern as a husband. I told my attorney that this is the dumbest thing to do, but he persisted, so I will go. What a waste. Anyway, she just sits in our family room waiting for me to come in and sit down so she can talk about "us". Every time I get comfortable in my chair she brings us up, which makes me have to get up and go back to my room or office. This is like a hostage situation. My friends and co-workers continue to come by at night to watch baseball or a movie, and they take up the whole family room, which makes my wife extremely uncomfortable and she leaves. I wish they can stay all the time, but I don't and never will make enough money to feed them. They are the best bunch of animal friends a person can have. Also, she now turns on her phone recorder everytime I say something to her. This has been rectified by me not talking to her anymore...Bonus. She is like a coiled spring waiting to explode, but I don't know when.

I will give an update after our hearing next Thursday.


----------



## Robert22205

I suggest you avoid discussing what you did or didn't do in the marriage. She's rewritten history and left the facts behind a long time ago. 

Discussing your marriage gives her an opening to interact with you (which you want to avoid or minimize). 

Also, your willingness to discuss marriage issues (which she created to justify her adultery to herself) validates (in her mind) her justification for cheating.

Lots of married folks feel unappreciated, lacking in attention, depressed, angry, ill .... the list is unlimited - but they don't chose adultery as a coping strategy. She is broken.She needs to identify why she choose to cheat (for her own self improvement after the D).

Finally, you can diplomatically cut off any discussion of marriage issues by pointing out that she is broken (an adulterer). Before any marriage issues can be fixed she has to fix herself (identify why she choose to cheat as a coping mechanism). This is something you can point out in the mandatory MC.


----------



## Marc878

Stay strong and you'll be fine. You don't want to go through this again. 

The capability is there. Be well aware of that.


----------



## bandit.45

Once you are up and around and the ankle is healed you need to hit the gym and get back in shape. Throw out the old clothes and get some nice new threads. go back and pick up old hobbies that you stopped doing when you married her. Do things to make you feel good about yourself. 

Do the parts of the 180 that promote self growth and emotional independence. 

As for interacting with her...grey rock her. Treat her like furniture. Eventually she will get the hint that you desire no interaction with her. People like her are like horses, they only learn through negative reinforcement. She will need her nose slapped (figuratively) thirty times before she learns her lesson and stops repeating the behavior.


----------



## Marc878

If it were me and she did explode. Id call the police immediately and file an RO against her.


----------



## colingrant

Bellyscratch said:


> She did have the nerve to try to push her decision to cheat on what I have not done in our marriage, and how she felt a
> alone in our communication and relationship. I asked her for examples and she brought up our last vacation to Costa Rica where I did not give her enough attention while at dinner. I remeber replying that I did take her to CR and other places and counties every year of our marriage. And the "non attention" at dinner was because she was so drunk that nobody at the table wanted to interact with her. She didn't remember those details, of course.


Ask her, did she give you attention at dinner? Attention, affection, desire............all two-way street.


----------



## colingrant

Bellyscratch said:


> Thanks for the reply. I was not going to be there alone while her side of the family were going to out number me. *Plus, they did not know he was my attorney until I introduced him to them, then it was all crickets sounds. * It was great.


Sweet!


----------



## Decorum

Bellyscratch said:


> She is kind of like a puppy who wants praise for not pissing on the carpet. It's a wierd characteristic.


I'm going to submit this to TAM's most memorable quote of the year contest.



bandit.45 said:


> Throw out the old clothes and get some nice new threads.
> 
> Do the parts of the 180 that promote self growth and emotional independence.
> 
> As for interacting with her...grey rock her. Treat her like furniture.


Bandit's whole post is good, but I especially like these, lol.

If you are bored, and have never done it Google "grey rock", it is interesting, it's like a mental Qigong for relaxing your thoughts, and making her disappear, legally.


----------



## Graywolf2

Bellyscratch said:


> Also, she now turns on her phone recorder everytime I say something to her. This has been rectified by me not talking to her anymore...Bonus.


LOL :rofl::rofl:


----------



## shortbus

Hang in there. My heart goes out to you, I can't imagine.
I wouldn't want to speak to her at all, and I can't imagine the 'us' talk she wants to have.
I think I'd have to tell her, 'please, don't speak to me, there is no us to discuss'.
Godspeed.


----------



## Decorum

Bellyscratch said:


> Also, she now turns on her phone recorder everytime I say something to her. This has been rectified by me not talking to her anymore...Bonus.
> 
> She is like a coiled spring waiting to explode, but I don't know when.


Keep in mind she likely has an attorney too.

So much for remorsefulness, this is adversarial behavior. 

Yes you are divorcing her, and recording her, but she burned down your relationship with her infidelity, and threw accelerant on it with her callous dishonesty. 

Dont give her anything to work with, and stay strong, she does not love or respect you.

We see men here with regularity that wish they had cut their "remorseful" cheating wives loose years ago.

They are full of regrets, and self loathing.


----------



## Lostinthought61

so she wants a gold star for not be a ***** anymore...perhaps in one of the counseling session you should you should by a trophy that says that. BTW what happen to the roommate that was moving in?


----------



## Marduk

Bellyscratch said:


> Update:
> 
> So I was put in a boot so I can start walking around. It is still very painful, but I will continue to walk till its bearable, then get out of the house and to light duty at work. I will do anything... I mean anything to get out of the house for a day. We have a counseling session Monday, and the only reason I am going is to show the courts my concern as a husband. I told my attorney that this is the dumbest thing to do, but he persisted, so I will go. What a waste. Anyway, she just sits in our family room waiting for me to come in and sit down so she can talk about "us". Every time I get comfortable in my chair she brings us up, which makes me have to get up and go back to my room or office. This is like a hostage situation. My friends and co-workers continue to come by at night to watch baseball or a movie, and they take up the whole family room, which makes my wife extremely uncomfortable and she leaves. I wish they can stay all the time, but I don't and never will make enough money to feed them. They are the best bunch of animal friends a person can have. Also, she now turns on her phone recorder everytime I say something to her. This has been rectified by me not talking to her anymore...Bonus. She is like a coiled spring waiting to explode, but I don't know when.
> 
> I will give an update after our hearing next Thursday.


My advice:

1. go to the counselling session. Just sit and listen. Nod in the appropriate parts. Take a notepad, and take notes about what is discussed. You not responding or defending yourself will drive her nuts, and she might drop some details that may help you later, legally. If the counsellor asks you what you think or what you're feeling, just smile, look thoughtful, and say you're still processing all of this.

2. keep these people coming over as much as you can. You don't have to feed them. Just have them be around, because they will help keep you sane and help keep her gone.

3. If she wants to talk and turns on the voice recorder, you pull out your phone and do the same. And then just look at her and let it be awkward. Have a grin on your face if possible. If your comfy in your chair and she wants to talk about "us," just pull out your phone and ask her what she wants to talk about. She will likely get frustrated and just walk away.

4. Be prepped to have her make up stories about you to anyone that will listen. My ex wife did this, and it made things very hard for me as I tried to take the high road. So if you get her to admit what she did, especially on tape or in writing, keep this safe. It may come in very handy later.


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## Rubix Cubed

Marduk said:


> My advice:
> 
> 1. go to the counselling session. Just sit and listen. Nod in the appropriate parts. Take a notepad, and take notes about what is discussed. You not responding or defending yourself will drive her nuts, and she might drop some details that may help you later, legally. If the counsellor asks you what you think or what you're feeling, just smile, look thoughtful, and say you're still processing all of this.
> 
> 2. keep these people coming over as much as you can. You don't have to feed them. Just have them be around, because they will help keep you sane and help keep her gone.
> 
> 3. If she wants to talk and turns on the voice recorder, you pull out your phone and do the same. And then just look at her and let it be awkward. Have a grin on your face if possible. If your comfy in your chair and she wants to talk about "us," just pull out your phone and ask her what she wants to talk about. She will likely get frustrated and just walk away.
> 
> 4. Be prepped to have her make up stories about you to anyone that will listen. My ex wife did this, and it made things very hard for me as I tried to take the high road. So if you get her to admit what she did, especially on tape or in writing, keep this safe. It may come in very handy later.


 All of this is spot on. I would also add record your MC session yourself. If you are in a 2 party acknowledgment state just tell them you're recording so you can absorb it all later.


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## bandit.45

So Belly... what's up man?


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## ABHale

What is going on Bellyscratch?


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## bandit.45

She killed him I bet. He's pushing up geraniums.


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## MattMatt

@Bellyscratch how are you? How's it going?


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## Bellyscratch

Update:

No...I did not die and I am not pushing up any flora or fawna, just extremely busy this past month. A lot has happened since the last time I posted so I thought I update those who are interested on how the destruction of my marriage is going. 

First, the marriage counselor. I met my wife at the therapist's office about 5 minutes late and when I opened the door, the two were in a very deep conversation. I have to state that the therapist is my wife's therapist, so I went in with defenses up. So I sat down and she lets my wife speak first which was 5 minutes of what an a**h*** I am and have been the past months. Then the therapist and my wife go back and forth with her asking questions and my wife just eviscerating me and all that I am. This went on for another 10 minutes before I was even included in this conversation. My wife's last comment, which was made through gut wrentching sobs (which I knew was just a performance) was "I just don't want you to be mad at me!" At this time the therapist congradulated her in her courage to face me with her inner thoughts. Well, my inner thoughts was basically B***S***. So after some thought, I stood up, told my wife that "I don't want you to go away mad, I just want you to go away". I then got up, left and got a ride home. What a bunch of Horse S***. Now I know there were times in my marriage where I was not so accomodating or nice or supportive, but I bet everyone in their marriage were not as well. All in all I believe I gave my wife support with issues in her life (parents, school, work, holidays etc) but I am sure there were times I let her down by the level of committment of my support. It went both ways. But this was a total waste of time.

Secondly, the night before the therapist, I started to feel really bad, especially around the surgery scar. So when my friend (roommate) picked me up from the therapists office, he said I looked like death and was really worried. He said basically "I am taking you to the ER because I don't want you to die in my car". So I went and it was determined that I had some type of infection from the surgery. This put me in the hospital for a week and in a recovery center for 10 days. I have never felt that sick in my whole life. To spare all the medical details, I was able to go home for further recovery. My medical plan allowed for a nurse to come by my house once a day till she was no longer needed. So it was during this home convalescence that my buddy staying in my basement told me that when I fell asleep, my wife would head off the the butchers house and return in the early morning. He knew this because he followed her every night. To tell the truth, even though it pissed me off, I was already letting go to where I told her I knew where she went at night and to just stay there. She was quite angry at this and tried to tell me she just went to talk to him. Now you might have to hit me with the stupied stick once, but not twice. She did not go.

Third, I hate to admit this but my buddy and I made living at home for her a living He** for a month, but she would not go. Always telling me that we could still salvage the marriage, blah, blah, blah. Well the breaking point was the last mediation meeting where most of her demands fell on deaf ears. However, she will get alimony, the SUV and some of my retirement. I get my house, two thirds of my retirement the sports car and get rid of her. All I have to do now is keep my mouth shut, don't anger anyone and just stay in my happy place. Now there were other negotiated items we went through but nothing interesting. So the waiting game started.

Finally, only eleven days later the judge signed off on the paperwork, posted it with the clerk of the court and I am single again. Ironically, she is now living with the butcher. I pass his house everyday when I go to work and back and give a bit wave and smile when I see one or both of them outside. I called her father and told him that I am no longer married to his princess and expressed my desire for him to have a "Good day". So know I am still recovering from my injury without the stress of having to see or listen to her cackling every night. What a relief. I am looking at nothing but blue skies and sunshine in my future.

As a post note, one of the administrative women heard that I still needed help with cooking and some household things and she has graciously dropped by on several occasions with food and groceries. She is very attrative (in my eyes anyway) and has been a godsend. In fact, her appearances have become more common over the weeks. We sit and eat dinner while talking for hours at a time. It really does appear that life does go on, no matter how long it takes.

Oh...I still have the damn dog. But during my convalescence we seem to make a bond, so I am keeping the damn dog.


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## bandit.45

Wow. That was a fast divorce. Well Im glad you’re out of it. She can rot.


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## Marc878

I'm aghast and horrified at how you treated poor muffin.

Nice job >


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## Tatsuhiko

Congrats, and best wishes for your new life! Keep us posted on new developments.


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## Wolfman1968

Bellyscratch said:


> Update:
> 
> 
> First, the marriage counselor. I met my wife at the therapist's office about 5 minutes late and when I opened the door, the two were in a very deep conversation. * I have to state that the therapist is my wife's therapist, so I went in with defenses up. * .


OK, well, this shouldn't have happened. It virtually never works out well. The two roles are completely contradictory.

Your now-ex-wife's therapist's role is to make her client feel better about herself, and gain greater functionality in her dealing with the stresses of life. So she may take her side and trash you just for the purposes of stabilizing her client.

A marriage counselor's client is actually the marriage, and has equal responsibility for both parties in the marriage. 

The marriage counseling was, in my opinion, doomed from the start. I hope you didn't have to pay for any of the "marriage counseling" as she was unable to deal with you fairly. In fact, if she charged you as a client, then I would report her to her supervising/licensing board for taking fees from you despite a conflict of interest.


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## Lostinthought61

How long is alimony until she is off the payroll and she actually has to get a job?


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## lucy999

Bellyscratch said:


> So after some thought, I stood up, told my wife that "I don't want you to go away mad, I just want you to go away".


Motley Crue would be proud!

Congratulations on singledom. You've earned it. And, I'm not surprised in the least your ex has shacked up with meat boy. She has no place to go so his house will do. Until another one comes along. 

Glad you got the dog. And a new dinner companion.:grin2:


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## 3Xnocharm

Congratulations!!


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## arbitrator

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, well, this shouldn't have happened. It virtually never works out well. The two roles are completely contradictory.
> 
> Your now-ex-wife's therapist's role is to make her client feel better about herself, and gain greater functionality in her dealing with the stresses of life. So she may take her side and trash you just for the purposes of stabilizing her client.
> 
> A marriage counselor's client is actually the marriage, and has equal responsibility for both parties in the marriage.
> 
> The marriage counseling was, in my opinion, doomed from the start. I hope you didn't have to pay for any of the "marriage counseling" as she was unable to deal with you fairly. In fact, if she charged you as a client, then I would report her to her supervising/licensing board for taking fees from you despite a conflict of interest.


*Way late to this party, but no truer words were ever spoken!

A personal counselor should never, repeat never, be used as a marriage counselor. A MC should be someone that neither party even remotely knows and should come with impeccable credentials!

I was waylayed by my RSXW's PC when I was asked to go see her, as I was ganged-upon by the pair of them! The PC knows exactly where the check is coming from and more often than not, and will adjudicate accordingly!

I have a problem with your even wanting to try in patching things up with an unconscionable, prevaricating cheater!*


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## arbitrator

Lostinthought61 said:


> *How long is alimony until she is off the payroll and she actually has to get a job?*


*Wait! She doesn't really need alimony ~ she can get an immediate job cutting meat!

But then, I'd highly suspect that she's already been doing that for some time now!*


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## shortbus

Congrats, green grass and high tides forever.


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## alte Dame

People can get so convinced by their internal justifications and narratives that they don't even consider that someone might see things differently. She and her therapist thought that she was spewing the truth and that you would be grateful to hear it, the unvarnished, heartfelt truth.

So, glad to hear that you didn't fall for the two-pronged assault that her therapist planned with her.

Also, it's almost cliché that single women will show up to caretake when an eligible man becomes suddenly available. I'm not saying that this new Florence Nightingale isn't a wonderful person. I'm saying that it would be good to take your time now that you are free.

Best of luck!


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## Robert22205

I'm glad you cut the unfaithful wife out of your life. Now you can lead your best life!


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## Chuck71

Bellyscratch....Glad to hear your nightmare of a M is now over. Funny... I used the Motley Crue song

last year when I was finally (over five years) getting my XWs name off of my damn deed.

True colors always show. Be prepared for her to "bang you back" when meathead dumps her.

Her trying to is a definite. Enjoy your single life....do things you stopped doing once you were M.

I loved eating lasagna in my undies at 1AM, watching a West Coast MLB game, sorting through baseball

cards from the 70's. I don't do it that much now, being EQ has been a resident since last year.

But enjoy your freedom....yes I miss mine at times but it's a trade-off. It always is.

May drop you a PM sometime.... swap war stories.


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## Marc878

chuck71 said:


> i loved eating lasagna in my undies at 1am,


tmi >


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## skerzoid

1. Great. Textbook for betrayed spouses.

2. Be prepared for the return of the witch princess.

3. Don't get involved with too many naughty women. On second thought, get involved with a lot of naughty women.

4. Have a great life. Good luck.


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## bandit.45

skerzoid said:


> 1. Great. Textbook for betrayed spouses.
> 
> 2. Be prepared for the return of the witch princess.
> 
> 3. Don't get involved with too many naughty women. * On second thought, get involved with a lot of naughty women.*
> 
> 4. Have a great life. Good luck.


Preferably bow-legged.


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## Decorum

Sigh of relief!

Update when the spirit moves you!


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## Buffer

Brother, if ExWW is cohabitating with the POS Butcher, will that reduce your monthly spousal payment?

Buffer


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## Divinely Favored

Bellyscratch said:


> Update:
> 
> To all who replied while I was out of communication, I just want to say thank you so much. I have read all comments and truly appreciate the help afforded by board members. I have not had any communication with my wife so it will be interesting how this will all play out.
> 
> So on to the update. After 5200 miles on a motorcycle I am safely in my hometown at my friends house. My wife thinks I will be home in a couple of days so I am getting ready for possible war with the confrontation, denial, trickle truth, crying, et. all. I am getting this from reading all the other unfortunate posters on here that have opened up to complete strangers to help with the most darkest times in your life. Or she might say "it is all over and you need to leave". It is the spectrum of what could and can happen that is driving me nuts.
> 
> I have not been able to do any investigation regarding if the affair is still active or completely done. The closer my ride got to my home town the higher my anxiety level grew to a point that I was getting physically sick and showing signs of depression. The real reason my friends basically kidnapped me for this ride is because they have been through it themselves, some of them numerous times. So this ride was not only fun, but also therapeutic. Unfortunately, what I was getting from them was how bitter they still were even after numerous years since their divorce. They always talked me out of calling her and telling her that I know she is still seeing the meat dude. They were good listeners but not so much the Dear Abby I needed. So that is why I am continuing on this site. I need people who can see the big picture. I picked up on her diversion sooner than the first one, but this is the last straw, I am done.
> 
> So my best friend is also my attorney. He was voted last year as one of the top attorneys in the West Coast. He is also a divorce attorney, and he is mine. He read over the texts and said they were pretty damning, but I need more information. This were I am extremely lucky. The team I work with conduct investigations, surveillance, interviews and arrests. On my last day before my trip, we were all having lunch and I told them everything. We have worked years together and they will die for me and I will die for them. They are closer than my family. After, they all said that they would love to help catcher her in the act. I only agreed if they did it on their personal time and didn't use agency resources. No problem. So today they all came over to my friend's house and we went over what they did. I have to say, if these guys were hunting my down for doing something illegal, I would be scared to death.
> After several days of surveillance they did indeed catch her cheating on me. Apparently, my wife and "meat" would meet every Thursday night at a Italian restaurant in another close by town and have "date night". Something we used to do all the time, but stopped several months ago when she lost interest. Not only did they have pictures and video but audio as well. I have to say, I never have so humiliated, sad and despondent until I saw and heard what they said. They were talking about their future, children, houses all the while just bashing the He!! out of me. Why would a person who you thought loved you can say such hurtful things about you. I felt like I was having an out of body experience looking at my best friends faces as if they were in a kaleidoscope. It was frighting, and I never really get frightened.
> 
> So this is where I am now. I have texts, pictures and video with audio. My attorney now says "now we're working with oil". I don't know what this means, he may be smart but he really is a dweeb. So I think that I will go home and act like everything is good to try to get a reading on her. I don't know how long this will last but I don't know a good starting point to all this, if you know what I mean.
> 
> Some things in my favor:
> 
> 1. house is mine and was mine before the marriage.
> 2. a vested interest in a uniform store that now has several locations
> 3. strong friend and family base
> 4. a good job that pays pretty well
> 
> 
> Things not in my favor:
> 
> 1. a cheating, vindictive, soulless bones from the Master wife.
> 
> Anyway, anyone who has been through a successful confrontation without bloodshed or other bodily harm, please, I am seeking guidance.
> 
> -E-


Just got through reading Wrangler Man's thread Always Weary from a few years back. He nuked his wife and POSOM.


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