# I need a man's opinion on this



## samantha900 (Nov 3, 2008)

My 39 year old husband of 17 years told me a month ago he is confused about his life, career and marriage. He hasn't left our home and we still have sex. We are seeking out counseling together and separately. He swears to me that their is no one else and he wouldn't cheat because he doesn't need more problems. Our counselor told me she does think he is being truthful. He has been complaining about turning 40, checking out his receding hairline and is going out to strip clubs twice a week for about 2 hours. Our house is peaceful and we never fight. I have always kept myself in great shape and am attractive, I am a co-founder of a company and cook, clean and take care of our daughter. He says I am the perfect wife and mother. I am giving him his space but it hurts my feelings when he says he is not sure about staying married BUT he doesn't want to make a mistake a leave me. How long will it take to come to his senses, will he? Should I move on? Any advice would be of great help to me!!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

samantha900 said:


> My 39 year old husband of 17 years told me a month ago he is confused about his life, career and marriage. He hasn't left our home and we still have sex. We are seeking out counseling together and separately. He swears to me that their is no one else and he wouldn't cheat because he doesn't need more problems. Our counselor told me she does think he is being truthful. He has been complaining about turning 40, checking out his receding hairline and is going out to strip clubs twice a week for about 2 hours. Our house is peaceful and we never fight. I have always kept myself in great shape and am attractive, I am a co-founder of a company and cook, clean and take care of our daughter. He says I am the perfect wife and mother. I am giving him his space but it hurts my feelings when he says he is not sure about staying married BUT he doesn't want to make a mistake a leave me. How long will it take to come to his senses, will he? Should I move on? Any advice would be of great help to me!!



i'm not reading this right. did you say "should i move on?"

have we made leaving that easy in this society?

no, you DON'T have to condone his going to strip clubs..ok..there's boundary/demand one

NO MORE STRIP CLUBS...AND NO EXCUSES

at least ask him why he goes there...if you think the answer is obvious, just wait for his answer!


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Mid life crisis and does not feel good enough for you. Probably goes to strip clubs because there are no expectations out of him. I think that he may get some attention from strippers, especially with a receding hairline. If you were to ask a stripper who do they look for as a good tipper, you would be suprised. Also, I think it is hard for some men to handle there wife having success. I think if you are patient and you love him this will pass by. Have you tried telling him you will strip for him.. in private of course. Sounds like a classic case of mid life crisis to me.


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## cheewagacheewaga (Aug 28, 2008)

I agree. Receding hair line and a more financially successful wife would make me feel like a loser. I'd be confused, too!


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Hi there, I can completely sympathize with what you are going through because I am in a similar situation myself with my husband. I used to think that the term 'mid-life' crisis was cliche and overused. However, my husband has gone completely off the deep-end. It's almost like he is a stranger. He is also in that whole thing of well, I'm not happy being married to you but I don't want to lose you either. I don't have strip club component to deal with in my situation. He swears he is not cheating, also said that it would just complicate things like you kind of mentioned. His actions have always been pretty transparent so I tend to believe him.

This has been going on for months with my husband. I finally got to the point that I have just disconnected from him emotionally. I still love him and I want our marriage to work, but he has gone crazy emotionally. He constantly wavers between working things out and saying it is over. However, I do notice that if I set up barriers and distance myself, he reacts differently to me. I don't know if this is a hopeful sign or not.

My best advice to you is try the best you can to move on with your life and take good care of yourself and your kids if you have them. Try to do some things for you and quit worrying about him. It is ultimately his problem to figure out although I know he is making it your problem too. I can understand what you are going through. Only you know what you can tolerate with him and trust me, you will reach a point where you will not tolerate it for him anymore. Then you will feel better and stronger.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

gosh..i think i had my mid-life crisis early, like 27 yrsold...i bought a guitar and a big amp and started this silly punk band called elvis is dead...oh, yeah, and drank way too much


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

voivod, I would assume your reply was supposed to be sarcastic. It is real funny; we were having a serious conversation here. Why don't you go try to fix things with your wife instead of hanging out here all the time. Maybe your wife didn't appreciate your sarcasm either.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

COFLgirl said:


> voivod, I would assume your reply was supposed to be sarcastic. It is real funny; we were having a serious conversation here. Why don't you go try to fix things with your wife instead of hanging out here all the time. Maybe your wife didn't appreciate your sarcasm either.


no sarcasm meant here. that was the truth. maybe another side of mid-life to lend so perspective to the situation.

and the "fix things with your wife" comment. nice. real nice.

it is my hope that your husband finds the time to attend your counseling sessions and that you both reconcile your differences/issues.

good luck.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

^
^
^
That got bit nasty there for a minute. 


I am sure it's mid-life crises that make men do crazy things and he probably has 2nd thoughts about his life. You know "Did I choose the right woman? Do I have the right job? What if I took a different path?....."
Give him some time.


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I felt a lot of those things approaching 40. It was like "wow I am ageing, am I still attractive etc". You sound like a great wife. Keep being a great wife and hope your guy doesnt go off the deep end. This may be teaching you some patience. After all all marriages go through "things". 

I do think you should be honest about the strip club thing. At least let him know how you feel. If your really a big girl and let him go through this phase it will vanish but I understand if you find it unacceptable.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm not so sure that having a stripper wave her t!ts and hoo-ha in his face is the cause of his troubles, but it sure isn't helping him constructively resolve his issues either.

Are you familiar with the the term

"It's time to either fish or cut bait." ?

I'm thinking that you reacting passively to how he is behaving is allowing him to wallow and act like he is some sort of victim.

Stand your ground and tell him he either acts like a respectful husband who loves his wife (going to strippers is not) or move on (as you put it).

Losing hair and turning 40? That is such an excuse! I'm sorry, I just turned 50, am losing some hair and put on some weight.

I guess with his theory I ought to be acting destructively 24/7.

He needs to be a grown up. If he can't be one, a dose of reality by you saying enough is enough is the tack I would use if i were you.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Well i am 38 And i can feel your hubby's pain.

My wife has a great job, we have 3 great kids, I coach 2 teams, I am our HOA president, I also ran my HS 20 year reunion from another state. 

But we kept our lives busy...

Do you vacation much? Do you travel at all? Do you two do anything Spontanous or wild? Any crazy nights out of a bit naughty?

We have our Normal life, but we also have a bit of a Naughty life.

Role playing, Photo sessions, home video's. My wife will even go to a strip club with me and she will get a lap dance if I asked her, We go to night clubs, she dresses sexy for me and dances wildly for me. She wants to put a removable Pole in our basement so she can be my private dancer  and fulfill her personal fantasy as well.

on the flip side I send her flowers at work, take her to nice dinners, plays, Quality nights out, or should I say Romantic.

Maybe go on a cruise? a weekend get away, just you two to some where erotic, couples only resort.

think outside the box. he is missing his wild side, he loves you and his life, but it's hard for us males to register "it's over" we will never give into that we are old, nor should we. Age is just a number, have fun with life and enjoy it.

Do something exciting and out of the box. Both of you should make a list of something wild and crazy that you would like to do, no limits. then do them if you can, especially if something matches.

My wife wants to make love under the waterfall in hawaii someday....I will make sure that happens.

I want to go to cancun for a clothing optional resort, she told me to book the trip when I want to go.

Communication, willing to be diferent and exciting is what he wants....but he wants it with you.

Talk it out, communicate, and have fun with it.

I used to watch a 90 year old guy come to my municipal pool every day and swim 1 mile, he was full of life and laughter, I still envy that man.

Age is a number, that is it, be youthful and do something wild with your hubby......he is dying for that.


(allot of bad advice above, divorce or leaving is not what he wants, he wants his youth and you can help him with that) be a bit naughty. My wife has Nurses, french maid, and other sexy costumes...Make a "home movie" together, Or make one "solo" and play it for him, he will LOVE it.

Trust me, he rather see you dancing sexy for him, then the other ladies.


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## CaliJoe (Nov 16, 2008)

It seems to me that there is this stereotype that all men are tough skinned and without feeling. Women have bought into the idea that they are the only ones who have feelings, or are capable of hurting inside. For example, symptoms of mid life crisis are often seen as childish or selfish, when in fact the man exibiting these things may be in a great deal of emotional pain.
When a man is saying or doing things that dont make sense, the woman often acts like a negative magnet...pursuing him the wrong way, and actually resulting in pushing him farther away.
Men can be just as emotional as women.
Instead of being suspicious and thinking the worst, I suggest you make a renewed effort to get closer to him by loving and supporting him as much as possible...give him a reason to want to be closer to you.


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