# Ante for CWI Poker



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

As I have always stood up for what I believe in, I have a tendency to call BS when I feel someone is trying to slide by. I have been banned a couple of times in the past and I am sure it will happen again. Before I get banned permanently, I made some comments on a post that was deleted by the OP. The comments I was making were in regards to a thread where the OP was talking about the BS having a pity party. I do not want or seek pity but after Dday, I remember the abject pain I was in. I can relate to that pain. I do not have it anymore, but I do remember.

Just to be clear, my life is not a science project. It is not for researchers to do papers on. It is not for the curious to find the quirks and qualms of human nature so they can have an ‘a ha’ moment. It is simply my life and the characters in it are real. They are not avatars. Their lives are real and their feelings are real. I have three boys that will become men one day and I want them prepared to cope with the world they live in. I do not want nor need anyone’s pity.

I came here because it shed some light on what happened in my life. It helped me understand how my life got turned upside down. I was helped by a great many people and I got back up on my feet. I share my stories so that people know they are not alone and there are great things in store for them. I hold people accountable for what they do because sliding by in life never lets you embrace totally who you were meant to be. I am in general a nice person, but I prefer to be blunt. I can wax grandiloquently but I’d rather be easily understood.

Most every one here did not really ever want to be here. We were driven here by the events of our lives. I loved the analogy of the Chevy so I will make an analogy to a poker game. When you play poker, you have to put in an ante, a stake so that you can partake in the game. Most everyone here had to put in an ante to play. I would like posters to post some of the ante they had to put in to play CWI poker.


Everyday after school, and I mean every day, I would play baseball, football, and or soccer with my kids in the backyard with them or with them and the neighbors. It was something I did as a dad who loved to be around his kids. I no longer have that option. I do play but it is much less frequent. We had a field and my kids actually strung up lights to they could play at night.

Every other year, I do not get to see my kids open their presents on Christmas day. I don’t get to see the happy little smiles or their giddy expressions. I don’t get to see my own children because I am not allowed to, not because I don’t want to.

I had to start off fiscally all over again. My EX who was a SaHM took everything and I had to sell the house. I am digging myself out of a hole now, but the hole was very deep.

I just listed 3 easy ones off the top of my head.

I made a point to the OP of the other thread that in order to know the pain that some of the BS have gone through, emotionally or physically try to put yourself in their position. I was given NO CHOICE in the consequences of my EX wife’s affair. I was told what had to happen because it was the law. I worked. She cheated. She ripped the family apart, and I had to give up so much because why? Well, because the law says so. 

On your next Christmas, tell the children that you love and adore that you cannot see them. You won’t be able to watch them open their presents. You won’t be able to video tape it. You won’t be able to make them hot chocolate. You will not be able to talk to them for more than 5 minutes. Tell them that it’s not your choice. Go to a hotel not a mile away on Christmas so you can’t see your children. The choice you had to see them that day, take that away from yourself and say it’s the law. You know you did nothing wrong to be in this position but take that choice away and maybe you can understand some of the pain the BS go through here. If you want a scientific experiment to learn the psyche of a BS, start with that one. Then tell yourself half of it is your fault and see how long that plays as true… If you feel low on Christmas day because you cannot be with what is left of your family, for God’s sake don’t hold a pity party. Try to see it from what was left of your wife, the doppelganger that is there now, sit and try to make up a good story of why this is all your fault. It has to be plausible, so someone on the outside can say ‘Yep, it’s both their faults.’ Have someone take your kids away from you on Christmas and then tell yourself it was because you worked long hours and had to travel for work to provide for your family that she cheated. You may even be able to convince yourself it is your fault if you really really try.

My life has improved greatly in many areas. Please don’t get me wrong. My life has improved in many ways, but there still is that little bit of pain that I do not focus on, but will be there for some time. I just wanted to get this posted before I get banned permanently. May God bless each and every one of you. Please post what you had to ante to play CWI poker.

The field I built for my children to play soccer and football in my backyard. We spray painted the Steelers logo in the middle of the field. A couple of weeks before Dday. I had no clue... I also had built that patio in the back with the fire pit and multi level fountain, planted the trees etc...


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> As I have always stood up for what I believe in, I have a tendency to call BS when I feel someone is trying to slide by. I have been banned a couple of times in the past and I am sure it will happen again. Before I get banned permanently, I made some comments on a post that was deleted by the OP. The comments I was making were in regards to a thread where the OP was talking about the BS having a pity party. I do not want or seek pity but after Dday, I remember the abject pain I was in. I can relate to that pain. I do not have it anymore, but I do remember........
> 
> Just to be clear, my life is not a science project. It is not for researchers to do papers on. It is not for the curious to find the quirks and qualms of human nature so they can have an ‘a ha’ moment. It is simply my life and the characters in it are real. They are not avatars. Their lives are real and their feelings are real. ............ Have someone take your kids away from you on Christmas and then tell yourself it was because you worked long hours and had to travel for work to provide for your family that she cheated. You may even be able to convince yourself it is your fault if you really really try.
> 
> My life has improved greatly in many areas. Please don’t get me wrong. My life has improved in many ways, but there still is that little bit of pain that I do not focus on, but will be there for some time. I just wanted to get this posted before I get banned permanently.


I relate to every word of that and it mirrors how I feel especially about Christmas. I think I echoed similar things in that thread you are talking about. I think so 

You are not alone in this and I also doubt you will get a perma ban . We've all had screaming shouting matches and been banned for nonsense and your input is valued.

Yesterday by accident I randomly bumped into my very stbxw in a superstore miles away in another town. I was with my daughter on a dad and daughter day out. We bumped into her on a shop floor and I had to let my daughter all excited spend some time, 5 minutes, with stbx. I found this incredibly difficult even a year and a half out separated. We have recently improved our 'connections' to the point of being able to talk (In court we've had to face each other (custody) at school functions we also had to be in close proximity there were no choices), but this was different, a random meeting - in a shop where 'normally' I'd leave her to shop for a few minutes and vice versa an then teas coffee and on to the next with our kids looking at Christmas gifts like everyone at this time is startng to do - good family times. 

So I had to stand alongside as daughter was excitedly telling stbx what we had been doing. I had to stand there like a spare part like we were unconnected but of course 15 years together made us very connected the mother of my children. I had to turn away and let out a deep resonating internal wail of despicable hatred for this human being who now made me feel like this was a woman I had never in my entire life met before. But she was about to take my kids away from me this Christmas. That triggered me into the texts calls she'd take from OM on Christmas Day!! Oh yeah. 
I had to walk away for ten seconds 

I came back put on a smile and she left

They have no idea - no fking idea at all


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Even some of us who have been betrayed do not have a clue what some of our fellow betrayeds have gone through. Horrible is not an adequate word to describe it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

My personal experience does not even qualify me to sit at the same poker table as MovingAhead, Headspin and many other CWI players here. Your stories make me shake my head in astonishment at the levels of delusion and selfishness to which some waywards will sink.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

So, I have 3 boys. My oldest two are adopted. I am very close with all of my boys. My EX is only close with our biological son. My oldest two play on very good soccer teams that require a lot of time and travel. They have practice two days a week which is an hour away. For the past year or so, I have had to take my oldest to almost every practice and/or game. The played 5 of the top teams in the nation recently including the VA, MD, PA, and DE state champion. The won 3 games and tied 2. They are very very good. One of the kids on my sons team played for the US National team.

Over the course of the summer they played in a league in which the championship is held in Florida in December. I am taking the two oldest. It is during her time, but no body trusts her to take them. I was going to take my youngest but it is on her time. She was going to take him down for a couple of days to watch the tournament (Take him to Disney instead) I am supposed to get my youngest during the middle of the tournament, but she said she is going to fly him home. In order for me to get my son, I would have to leave the tournament, fly home, get him and fly back. I will miss the semi finals and possibly the national finals of my kids games just to have my family together for a chance to go to a park while we are there. This is the crap she pulls because the two oldest refuse to stay with her.

I did all the work in helping the boys get to this level, but the law says she can do this.

My boys and I are hiking the Appalachian Trail. I am 'walking off the war' We are working on getting our third state finished and would have made good progress today. I was trying to do a nice easy little 15 mile day hike. My EX had previously agreed to let me have the boys early but when I asked her last night she said no. I had made plans with people so I am not happy.

This past Monday her grandfather passed away and she wanted the two oldest to go to the funeral. I am the one who convinced them. They needed to pay respects. My oldest did not have dress shoes, a tie or a belt. I thought he had some, but I went to the store and bought him some for his funeral. When I told her how I went out and bought him clothes for the funeral for her grandfather, I was told that 1. She never asked me to do this and 2. Since I said I had clothes at home for him and now I was buying him clothes, it was me who was again, not doing what I said.

I forgave my EX wife for her infidelity a very long time ago, but there are things that I just can't get away from. I cannot get away from the crap she pulls. It bothers me much less but there is nothing I can do about some of this.

(I go to court next Monday to start getting full custody of my older two.)

I am a fighter. After the first month of losing my mind after Dday, my mind started coming back. I was not going to be run off, and set aside. I took a deep look at myself and I worked on all aspects of me. I refused to let her define who I was. I found happiness in the daily life. I have been very blessed. Some of the reasons I am who I am today is because of the introspection that I have done. Her affair may have been the catalyst, but it was not the cause of my self improvement. Many other things could have had the same effect. The crap I have to take from her will end as have my alimony payments to her. Despite all the stuff we have to put up with, life is truly a blessing. I have my cowboy boots I bought a couple of months after Dday. I wear them. They are symbolic to me yes, but yes, when I tell you to put your cowboy boots on and man up, I mean it.

I have had such a much better and more genuine relationship with my sons since Dday. Many things have improved.

I know every one has their own crap that they have to put up with. They have their own pain and it is not what I had, but slightly different. I never had the mind movies... I don't know why that was but I never did.

Hiking with my oldest today, just an easy 6 mile hike. Because I couldn't have all my boys we did not do the AT. We do it together or we do something else.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear that.. 

It makes me feel grateful a bit, and a bit sad too, b/c my STBX hasn't asked for any Xmas.. He gave his first exwife every Xmas Day, and took Xmas Eve, and so, I said, how about the same, and he has no issue.. he doesn't want his kids on Xmas morning, to be quite honest.. I'm also getting them every Thanksgiving.. 

My STBX has requested that his visitation be one Saturday night every other week. Lasting about 24 hours.. So he plans on seeing his 5 and 7 year old daughter exactly 48 hours a month.. Oh, and he's actually only had 3 overnights since August.. And he's already cancelled for the weekend before Xmas, b/c he's going on a trip.. 

It makes me sad, b/c he created these two little girls, and has no desire to see them or be a parent in any way, shape or form.. Oh, but please send pics in their Halloween costumes or on their birthday, so he can show his friends and family what a good, involved dad he is.. 

But, I'm also grateful, b/c I have them. I won't have to share them Xmas morning, or split Thanksgiving.. And as time goes on, I wonder if he'll take any time with them at all.. 

All b/c he feels like he was cheated of his "fun" and his best time in life was when he was single and in his early 20s.. So, he went back to it.. 

And here you are, fighting for time and wanting to see your kids, and feeling denied by missing one moment.. It's just tragic in my mind.. I'm not sure what's worse, to be honest.. 

I'm sorry.. I wish I knew how to make it easier.. For all of us..


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Life is what you make of it. It is a blessing. I understand the grateful and sad part. When I got my kids home tonight, I had a frank talk with them. Their mother basically bribed them to be with her today. She bought them shoes and took them to an arcade. She did not spend time WITH them, but she spent time with them. This is par for the course. I had a discussion with my boys again about 'bribing'. I have told them repeatedly that I will never bribe them. If we have work to do, we need to get it done.
I will not ask them to be with me and promise to do something fun. My job is not to make sure they are having fun, my job is to make sure they become men and that means doing the hard work sometimes. I told them I was disappointed in their decision, because this has happened before. 

My middle one just wants a mom and dad that love him and want to spend time with him. He is at a loss for female attention and I understand it. I know his pain so I told him how special he was and that he deserved to be loved. I gave him a big squeezy hug and I kissed him on the top of his head. This is what my girl friend brought to him. 

I actually told my EX what the boys needed from her and she has not given that to them at all. They want her attention. I don't think she knows even how to do it. All you have to do is sit down and listen to them and be interested in what they have to say. I cannot fix her or the relationship between them. This is a stark reality. People have to fix themselves.

Children will suffer through pain for the divorce, they really will especially if one of the parents checks out on them. You need to be there for them. Be their rock. Be their support.

This post seems like the world is just way wrong and painful, but that is not the case. I deal with this stuff on a weekly basis. It bugs me but I have lots of support. 

The funny thing is, I wasn't one who was triggering during the Mia thread, I was just taking up for the people who were. I know that people trigger. I get that people have issues to resolve. I know what bothers me personally and that other people have things that bother them as well. I get banned for my comments... 

With all the crap that goes on, it doesn't matter. What matters is what you focus on in your life. I just went upstairs and tucked my kids in... Boys 10, 12, 13. They were like what are you doing, because I just send them up to bed a lot of times, but I went up, talked to them all a bit, tucked them in and kissed them good night. Those little positive things in your life, the ones I constantly preach to focus on, that is what is important. For that moment in time I got to tell each of my boys that I loved them and I meant it. There is no place in the world that I would rather have been. God is good all the time and all the time God is good.

The rest of it, the crap, the stuff that got us here. That is just noise. Tune it out and focus on the positives.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> Life is what you make of it. It is a blessing. I understand the grateful and sad part. When I got my kids home tonight, I had a frank talk with them. Their mother basically bribed them to be with her today. She bought them shoes and took them to an arcade. *She did not spend time WITH them, but she spent time with them.* This is par for the course. I had a discussion with my boys again about 'bribing'. I have told them repeatedly that I will never bribe them. If we have work to do, we need to get it done.
> I will not ask them to be with me and promise to do something fun. My job is not to make sure they are having fun, my job is to make sure they become men and that means doing the hard work sometimes. I told them I was disappointed in their decision, because this has happened before.......


I know this, mine is similar

stbxw is a social animal, charismatic, engaging etc etc but I noticed in my marriage she had friends that always seemed to be 'there' I would take the kids to 'do' something - she would do that but always with other people. Fast forward to separation. On her allotted days with the children often friends are around sometimes with their kids she'd go away fr a couple of days but with friends.

This last year / summer had been great for me and my two as we've done something they always wanted to do - camping - lots of it - it's 'us against the world' stuff - they love it putting up their tents themselves, getting things wrong, correcting them with some help and encouragement from me, all part of the great outdoors and them dealing with nature in a 'discovery way' 

stbx takes them 'camping' - turns up at a campsite to friends who are already set up, stays for a day and comes back - but she calls that 'camping'. :scratchhead:

We go to castles, to events, on short breaks, us three having a great time. She's never done this - not once. 

Kids come back to me and nearly always someone has been 'around'. The pattern is clear she does not actually spend much time with the children, with just the three of them. 

I have friends come round rarely, been on a camping joint trip once but my time with them is precious I have already lost the other three and a half days. I do have friends who comment and say "Most men only have etc etc ....so you have quite a lot of time ... " 
My answer is "well I'm not most men I have watched over my kids since birth been a SAHD who worked as well and I am used to dealing with my kids every single day feeding schooling the lot" 

So I have lost them big time in my eyes.

But I know I am right about this way. It's important they are honest people who have the right path available - they may not choose it but they will not be able to say they knew no better way if they don't take it.

As for the fun element it can be annoying when you can see she pulls the 'it's more fun with me vibe' but for me I know (a few months ago in court) when my kids made a choice about _not wanting more time with her_ they vocalised that officially and that was good enough for me (Btw the one judge in the town disregarded their views about this saying their opinion carried no weight in this matter - yes really !!!?)

MA - I have a new and unique thought about Christmas and infidelity. A new ruling. What about this -
Anybody that commits adultery infidelity and destroys a family and thus shows how little consideration for the family unit they in fact have, should then forgo any claims on time with children at the big events of the year Easter Christmas etc etc. ??

Sounds good to me


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The one thing that I do not do well with is the lost time with my children. I do not get to see them everyday. That really bothers me. The fact that my EX has spent no quality time with her own children in such a long time bothers me in that I spend a great amount of quality time with them.

I go back to court in 6 days for full custody. I am hopeful that some of this crap gets dealt with.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> The one thing that I do not do well with is the lost time with my children. * I do not get to see them everyday. That really bothers me. * The fact that my EX has spent no quality time with her own children in such a long time bothers me in that I spend a great amount of quality time with them.
> 
> I go back to court in 6 days for full custody. I am hopeful that some of this crap gets dealt with.


Me too

Good luck moving keep us informed how it goes


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