# Threatened to cut hubby off and it may have worked



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

For well over a year me and hubby's sex life has consisted of nothing but blow jobs for him and intercourse. Not much kissing. No foreplay. Wrote him a note a couple of months ago telling him that I liked oral too and would like to do a lot more in bed than we are currently doing. He said he was happy with our sex life and nothing changed. So finally today I told him if he didn't reciprocate that i had given him his last blow job. That really got his attention. He said approach him tomorrow when he first wakes up because that is when he is in the mood. 

Been having sexual problems with an inability to climax. The medication I am on makes it harder, but in all honesty I was on this medication when married to my exhusband and we had no problems in bed. Exhubby never skipped the foreplay. Think I am going to have to be a whole lot more assertive about my needs.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Did the same with my STBXH. We were together for over 2 years and he had never given me oral. I would give him a BJ whenever he wanted, which wasn't frequent. But then I got pissed off, and told him I wont be anymore "Why should I when you don't return the favor"....next thing you know he is more than happy to go down on me. 

Still pisses me off when I think about it though.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Azure said:


> Did the same with my STBXH. We were together for over 2 years and he had never given me oral. I would give him a BJ whenever he wanted, which wasn't frequent. But then I got pissed off, and told him I wont be anymore "Why should I when you don't return the favor"....next thing you know he is more than happy to go down on me.
> 
> Still pisses me off when I think about it though.


And it should. You shouldn't have to black mail or bribe your partner into giving you a happy, fulfilling sex life, nevermind in giving you what you are already giving him.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Azure said:


> Did the same with my STBXH. We were together for over 2 years and he had never given me oral. I would give him a BJ whenever he wanted, which wasn't frequent. But then I got pissed off, and told him I wont be anymore "Why should I when you don't return the favor"....next thing you know he is more than happy to go down on me.
> 
> Still pisses me off when I think about it though.


It could be he was afraid you wouldn't like it. Not all women do.


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## Imperfect (Dec 26, 2013)

I think women forget to tell men what we like in the bedroom and we become frustrated. I also like to believe a man wants to please his woman but are intimidated by just what to do for us. Within this past year of our 35 year marriage I gently told my husband what I would like b/c I didn't want to insult him but I did want to get a bit more from him for my satisfaction. Not that we didn't have a good time before but I agree that one person shouldn't be doing all the work. Afterwards I compliment him for a great time together and he compliments me.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Imperfect said:


> I think *women forget to tell men what we like *in the bedroom and *we become frustrated*. I also like to believe a man wants to please his woman but are intimidated by just what to do for us. Within this past year of our 35 year marriage I *gently told my husband what I would like *b/c I didn't want to insult him but I did want to get a bit more from him for my satisfaction. Not that we didn't have a good time before but I agree that one person shouldn't be doing all the work. Afterwards *I compliment him for a great time together and he compliments me*.


This is the best way to do it. I have never rated anyone's performance, just shown them how to do better. This is because I think that 'actions speak louder than words' and 'practice is more important than theory'. But I suppose if someone is already sensitive about the subject, then encouraging words might help too.

Luckily, I had a great instructor when I was starting out. I dread to think how internet porn has misguided a lot of boys.

For the OP, I would like to second the thing in bold. It is never too late to experiment, as long as you are both supportive when it doesn't work, and clearer about specifics when it is working.

With a man, think of it as teaching him to drive, be quite technical and in absolutely no hurry. It also shouldn't feel like a 'test' that anyone needs to pass. Move onto something else and come back to it rather than trying to force the issue in one day. Men like to grasp a general concept, and then practice it, and then analyse, and then practice some more. Of course, different things should be introduced gradually to prevent routine, and variety introduced. This is where books can be useful, for ideas (not necessarily instruction).


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Sex with my wife is exactly as you describe for different reasons. She doesn't want oral on her and gets aroused so fast she does not need or want fore play. Bums me out and kinda makes sex boring. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

No offense to the many men of TAM, but to the ladies...men are often dense, clueless creatures. They are not mind readers. We often need to TELL them what we want sexually. Guess what, for the most part they are happy to oblige, especially if you tell them in a sexy voice. I know a lot of women don't feel comfortable talking openly with their men, but I promise the results are worth it.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

yeah_right said:


> No offense to the many men of TAM, but to the ladies...men are often dense, clueless creatures. They are not mind readers. We often need to TELL them what we want sexually. Guess what, for the most part they are happy to oblige, especially if you tell them in a sexy voice. I know a lot of women don't feel comfortable talking openly with their men, but I promise the results are worth it.


Such good advice.

I recently tried to initiate a conversation with my wife asking her what she wants in bed.

Unfortunately she didn't engage how I hoped she would and didn't tell me what she wants. She just said she enjoys our 'intimacy' even if she doesn't climax. 

How dull. She doesn't initiate. She doesn't want to tell me what she wants. She doesn't seem fulfilled.It gets frustrating at times reaching out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I am doing this in my marriage now!!

I think it is slooooooowly working.

I've been at it 2 months now, and I think he is finally getting the message. I got oral this week.

The main thing is to make sure he knows what you want, and why your withholding. If he doesn't know why your being "mean" then he will just get angry and resent you. Make sure he understands how to "fix" it. 

Also don't back down! If you give in, it won't do a darn thing, and he will know your not serious.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Still don't understand men who won't perform oral on their wives. I like doing that about as much as sex itself. Unfortunately for me, my wife doesn't like it.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I applaud the OP for stepping up and doing what she is doing. It may backfire but that is the chance that one takes.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

soulseer said:


> I recently tried to initiate a conversation with my wife asking her what she wants in bed.
> 
> Unfortunately she didn't engage how I hoped she would and didn't tell me what she wants. She just said she enjoys our 'intimacy' even if she doesn't climax.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many, many women have been raised to be "good girls" and that this type of behavior is dirty or unladylike. During my early married years, I was also a bit inhibited as far as dirty talk, fantasies or asking for what I want. That's what's nice about being married to someone so long (hopefully). Over the last several years, I have become comfortable with my body (as much as any woman can) and very comfortable with sharing my fantasies and telling my desires to my H. Not once has he ever tried to stop me or tell me I'm gross for saying such things. LOLOL!

Men need to find a way to make your women feel comfortable, sexy and loved. Don't make fun or belittle anything sexual she shares with you. It may have taken a lot for her to share and you don't want to scare her into shutting down further. If she shares a fantasy, tell her it's hot. If she asks for more foreplay/oral while you're getting busy, do it with gusto. And for the love of God, if she initiates sex, do not turn her down!!!!!


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> Many, many women have been raised to be "good girls" and that this type of behavior is dirty or unladylike. During my early married years, I was also a bit inhibited as far as dirty talk, fantasies or asking for what I want. That's what's nice about being married to someone so long (hopefully). Over the last several years, I have become comfortable with my body (as much as any woman can) and very comfortable with sharing my fantasies and telling my desires to my H. Not once has he ever tried to stop me or tell me I'm gross for saying such things. LOLOL!
> 
> Men need to find a way to make your women feel comfortable, sexy and loved. Don't make fun or belittle anything sexual she shares with you. It may have taken a lot for her to share and you don't want to scare her into shutting down further. If she shares a fantasy, tell her it's hot. If she asks for more foreplay/oral while you're getting busy, do it with gusto. And for the love of God, if she initiates sex, do not turn her down!!!!!


I agree with a lot of what you say here and its SO FRUSTRATING to think we, as men, have to learn the CODE to what you are thinking and saying just so you do not feel like a "dirty little girl"

WE WANT YOU TO BE A DIRTY LITTLE GIRL!!!!!

LET LOOSE. THROW CAUTION TO THE WIND!! Your husbands will ADORE you for it.

And while I never think, EVER, that anything between to consenting adults is "dirty" and would never stop my GF from telling me her deepest sexual fantasies could we PLEASE get the same from our wives?? If I ask for one more BJ and I am told "not now" or "why ask me at this point" or whatever Im going to scream. Yet we are supposed to just accept everything that a woman wants whenever she wants it IF SHE IS CAPABLE of saying it......

Grrrrr.

Sense frustration on my part??


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

To the OP, bless you for at least giving BJs. My wife refuses to give them to me because she thinks it's selfish of me to even want one. I have no problem pleasuring her and would do it whenever she wants. 

I always bring up the point about how she did when we dated and even the first few years of marriage but now it's all the sudden disappeared?

I like what one of the members said about talking in a sexy voice. Maybe even take charge and almost order him to pleasure. It might change things up. Good luck!


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Cyclist said:


> I agree with a lot of what you say here and its SO FRUSTRATING to think we, as men, have to learn the CODE to what you are thinking and saying just so you do not feel like a "dirty little girl"
> 
> WE WANT YOU TO BE A DIRTY LITTLE GIRL!!!!!
> 
> ...



I know the frustration. I get it. But I am also older. When I was 25 I was uncomfortable being the dirty little girl. We are trained from birth to be ladies and girls who are overtly sexual are labeled as ****s. Look at the confusing messages girls receive in the media. We are sensitive creatures to begin with and then you throw in external influences? It's no wonder we're so messed up!

I am well into my 40's now. During work, with family and friends, I am a gentle professional woman who dresses conservatively and uses proper etiquette. Alone with the H, well...I just can't even begin to tell you. OMFG! But I did not get there overnight. It took years.

Guys, do not just go caveman immediately and start demanding her to "Suck my C, you dirty W", while pulling her hair. You have to work your way up to that, otherwise you risk making her go deeper into her shell. I'm being serious, here. Communicate, communicate, communicate! When she initiates sex, shares a fantasy or does something you love (like a BJ), praise her romantically and add some cuddles and I love yous so she knows that you know how to separate her dirty girl from her nice girl. She has to feel safe with you.

Just like you want us to understand your needs, you also have to understand ours. Yes, we are complicated, but we're worth the effort!!!!!!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Imperfect said:


> I think women forget to tell men what we like in the bedroom and we become frustrated. I also like to believe a man wants to please his woman but are intimidated by just what to do for us. Within this past year of our 35 year marriage I gently told my husband what I would like b/c I didn't want to insult him but I did want to get a bit more from him for my satisfaction. Not that we didn't have a good time before but I agree that one person shouldn't be doing all the work. Afterwards I compliment him for a great time together and he compliments me.



Beautifully said.:smthumbup::smthumbup:

If women communicated with us men what they like, desire, fantasies, you name it, most of the time it would work, but there are always a few bad apples that don't change, until you give them divorce papers.....


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

JohnSmithh said:


> To the OP, bless you for at least giving BJs. My wife refuses to give them to me because she thinks it's selfish of me to even want one. I have no problem pleasuring her and would do it whenever she wants.
> 
> I always bring up the point about how she did when we dated and even the first few years of marriage but now it's all the sudden disappeared?
> 
> I like what one of the members said about talking in a sexy voice. Maybe even take charge and almost order him to pleasure. It might change things up. Good luck!



Tell you wife, we are having 69 sex tonight. First I'm on top and then you're on top. Can't argue with that.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I did it the other way round...My wife has NEVER in the 23 years we have been together given me a bj or been anywhere near my bits with her mouth. I used to go down on her, which she loved. 

I stopped doing it about 5 years ago. I don't think she even noticed as she has never said anything. It was another nail in the 'sexless marriage coffin'.


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