# He left so when do I feel comfortable to file



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

Hello gurus,
History.
Married for 4 years, been separated since April. We were in a rut, living comfortably but routine (the only thing I can think of that may have disinterested him, I like being boring as well so that doesn't help) and one day he came home and said he does not want to be married and moves out. Hasn't changed his address. Hasn't filed for divorce. No serious issues. He was getting angry but I usually prevented it from escalating. 

The reason why I haven't filed is because I don't want a divorce, I don't really real comfortable doing it yet. I don't want to do anything regrettable like this especially after I've hurt my dignity trying to plead with him to give this another chance.

Does that feeling go away during separation? 

If he's certain about no future between us why hasn't he filed if it 
has nothing to do with money or litigation, alimony, or time out of the day?

No kids. No property. I'm 23 and he's 26. He started to resent me some because I graduated college and found a great job in my field almost instantly. He has yet to accomplish some of the same goals we shared. But that shouldn't be such a big deal I dont believe. Idk if it's an affair. But trying to figure out the why he left doesn't answer my question in why he hasn't taken the initiative to go through with it? Since I'm in this limbo...I still miss him and find love for him in the darkest spots within my soul. I don't feel the love back however. He helps me financially and I don't ask him to do this. 
We only communicate by email. He won't answer why he hasn't started the divorce. He seems like he's more hurt and not moving forward when we speak versus me now (I can have a conversation without being emotional). We don't talk about anything or keep each other updated about our personal lives. 

I like to I think hopeful, but I'm not sure how I can think someone would want to be with me after how long we've been separated. I don't remember what he sounds like. 

Is this scenario common to predict its outcome? Do we stay separated forever until divorce is necessary for legal reasons? I mentioned to him if we no longer thought of us as each other's spouses and he said "We are married no matter how you think about it" and I asked him "how can we feel married to each other if we haven't connected, physically, or spiritually been with the other person for several months" and he didn't answer. 

I know I can file but I don't like the feeling I have. It's like you know when your forgetting something but you don't know what it is until you go about your day. I know I've read the avg separation is 3 years. Why? People doing it low emotion as possible? Is that how long it will take to get rid of the weird feeling I have towards "handling a marriage dissolution".

PS. I've always read the boards here. They help so much


----------



## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Not a guru, but have been on tam awhile

Sounds like an affair. It seems the ws is never in a hurry when they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or are dependent on the bs financially.

Why do you want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband earn more than you? What % of your joint income do you earn. I have an idea of what could be going on but would need to know this info first.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can stay "separated" for as long as neither of you feels the need to move on. As to why he hasn't done it, who knows. It might be because he doesn't want to be "the bad guy" and finally finish it. It could be the financial side. It could be that he's unsure. In any case, at some point you'll need to decide what you'll put up with, if he hasn't already. You should likely make sure you're financially protected, if nothing else.

C


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

He doesn't earn more than I do. We make the same, he's living off of housing for going to school and disability. I'm not financially dependent on him and we aren't looking to divide assets or divide any finances. 

He told me he won't do it because he doesn't like paperwork then stated he doesn't have money for CA court costs which is $450. He said he would give me the money to do it on the first of November. 

I just haven't had that great big push or motivator to file. I already don't feel married. And we aren't exactly being driven by lawyers or anything so i hope I can get motivation to legally end the relationship.


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

He doesn't earn more than I do. We make the same, he's living off of housing for going to school and disability. I'm not financially dependent on him and we aren't looking to divide assets or divide any finances. 

He told me he won't do it because he doesn't like paperwork then stated he doesn't have money for CA court costs which is $450. He said he would give me the money to do it on the first of November. 

I just haven't had that great big push or motivator to file. I already don't feel married. And we aren't exactly being driven by lawyers or anything so i hope I can get motivation to legally end the relationship.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are going to file, it's easy to do on your own in CA. Here's the link to the CA self help site.

Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp

If you do not want to file yet don't. But keep in mind that if he drives up any debt you will be stuck with paying at least half of the debt he makes.

Remember that a divorce can be stopped at any time before the judge signs the final decree. So filing does not mean the end. In CA, the divorce cannot be finalized until 6 months after you file.

Start interacting with him according to the 180 (see link below). It will protect you emotionally.


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you are going to file, it's easy to do on your own in CA. Here's the link to the CA self help site.
> 
> Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp
> 
> ...


Thanks for reply. I did do a Summary Dissolution package for CA. No kids and very little assets and we already signed an agreement that we won't be dividing debt or property. He left me with all the furniture and electronics he financed including a new grill. He just left and never had the push himself to get his things. I eventually had to move him out and out most of his things in storage, he just took a bag full of clothes, his tools and his bike. So I have everything I need to file but the motivation and the feeling that "this is the right thing to do". He is falling behind on his finances and debt which aren't joint and were initially made before the marriage so by CA law doesn't put it under community property. I know this because he hasn't changed his mailing address and his bills still come to my apartment. I guess if he wanted to be with me I would know. I have asked before and he has said he just can't be with me. I would prefer him to do it since he wanted the divorce and not me but seems like he just never will since he's been gone since April this year. My therapists says file. If it's meant to be reconcile. If not it's over and done with, is it that simple? Just scared to do things I regret. I'm doing things it seems from the advice and viewpoint of others. I feel out of control and not making decisions for myself. He left and my therapists says he's abandoned me and just because he took care of my living expenses until I got the new position doesn't mean he's a good guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> If you are going to file, it's easy to do on your own in CA. Here's the link to the CA self help site.
> 
> Divorce or Separation - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp
> 
> ...


Testing to see if this reply works. I wrote a long reply but it didn't post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

I posted earlier I don't know why it's not going through. Testing out this response before I type something long again.


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

Okay that worked well I have everything to file already. We already signed an agreement that will be included in our paperwork that states no debt or property will be divided. We qualify for a summary dissolution, much simpler less time consuming divorce where we both waiver our right to alimony. He has fallen behind on finances but on cards that were not part of our marriage even if he wanted to put it on me (and are not joint). He thinks I'm just better at doing this stuff than he is which is why I'm doing it and he isn't. Wouldn't it be that if someone wanted to divorce someone they would find a way and not make up excuses? He left me with everything and only took clothes and his bike. Lots of materialistic and electronic things. I even had to move some of his stuff out because he just didn't care. Never argued about money and before I landed my position he paid my bills before his own without asking for a couple months. My therapist says he's abandoned me and just because he's not cheating or abusing me physically doesn't mean he's a good guy. So when will I have the courage to go to court and file? Does that take time?


----------



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

For me, I decided to file when I found out he was cheating on me. I know I cannot ever trust him again so I went ahead and filed.


----------



## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

Thanks for replying. Wish I had a motivator sometimes that would make me see the horrible in him. Apparently "abandoning" (as what my therapist says he did) isn't enough to give me that push


----------

