# stuck and confused



## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

Two weeks ago my wife of 9 years informed me that she wanted a divorce. She has been a stay at home mom for our daughter for the past 3.5 years. During the conversation she stated that it was her desire for us to divorce and for all of us to move to another state at the same time to raise our child. I was destroyed by the news of the divorce and even more shocked that she would want to make things worse for our daughter by taking her our of her school and her local support network. Secondarily assuming that I would subsidize a move to another state that would result in a divorce. She says I am being controlling and insensitive to her needs and demands by not agreeing to move. 

We are currently still living together. She has no plans of how she is going to leave. She hasn't applied for any jobs, has not thought about where she wants to live and doesn't have a lawyer. Repeatedly accuses me of stalling our divorce negotiations but at the same time still acts like we are married. The stress of living together is mind boggling but I cannot nor do I want to leave because it will affect future custody issues. I feel insane that she says she wants out but seems to expect me to do all the planning while still acting like we have a viable relationship.

Almost immediately I spoke to a friend who suggested getting an attorney then logging onto this site. She stated I needed to learn to do the "180." Has anyone experienced a similar situation and what is the "180/"


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

What does she want in the other state? Who/what is there? 

There is no way you should agree to this, it's idiotic of her to expect you to divorce and move. 

I agree, get a lawyer and get advice on how not to lose your child. Do not leave the family home.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe OM luves there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

indiecat said:


> What does she want in the other state? Who/what is there?
> 
> There is no way you should agree to this, it's idiotic of her to expect you to divorce and move.
> 
> I agree, get a lawyer and get advice on how not to lose your child. Do not leave the family home.


:iagree: *Totally! Meanwhile, I'd wholeheartedly recommend doing a little bit of reconnaissance on your W's PC and cell phone/texting activity!

As a SAHM, she could have recently acquired a lot of free time on her hands! *


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## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

No idea about the other state other than a job she had 5 years ago when we lived there. My job relocated us several times since then to a few states and we had our daughter. She has no family and no other friends there. I have been doing recon and she has told three people, her former boss, her parents and one friend. She tells then I am in denial and not willing to compromise. She doesn't call anyone nor does she answer the phone. Still expects me to make dinner every night etc. Never seen anything like it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

hurtinct said:


> No idea about the other state other than a job she had 5 years ago when we lived there. My job relocated us several times since then to a few states and we had our daughter. She has no family and no other friends there. I have been doing recon and she has told three people, her former boss, her parents and one friend. She tells then I am in denial and not willing to compromise. She doesn't call anyone nor does she answer the phone. Still expects me to make dinner every night etc. Never seen anything like it.


Why are you going along with it?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Tell her if she leaves for another state the children stay with you. She is welcome to go and see if the grass is greener, but you and the kids are not part of this scheme. 

I would not indulge this idea of hers, I would tell her a flat no. 

Does she have a cell phone? How much time does she spend on the computer?

She is the controlling and insensitive one. Don't let her manipulate you.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

My opinion, see a lawyer tomorrow. Email her a divorce initiation but don't file. See what happens.

Lock down your money, kids and life. NOW

Don't give an inch.

180 is to help you. Easy to lookup divorce 180

It's counter intuitive, you need to act like you want her gone, divorce is a great idea, move forward like you are giving her what she wants - no you. Kids, tell her now ay. THAT'S the only way you'll get her attention.


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## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

Not going along with her. Repeatedly told her no. Gonna try the 180.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

hurtinct said:


> Not going along with her. Repeatedly told her no. Gonna try the 180.


Are you making dinner?


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## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

For my daughter and I


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## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

Found exchanges between her and an ex from high school discussing sexual fantasied and the baked pictures he still has of her from then


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

And where does he live?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Refuse the manipulating crap your wife wants you to do.

Get an attorney.

Find out who her lover is because she probably has one


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## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

Don't know but he has a wife and kids. His wife is very jealous and am pretty sure she doesn't know they talk


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I know my message is harsh.

It will be harsher when all your money is gone, your kids are missing, credit cards ran up, vehicle(s) missing and so on.

IF you want her. YOU be the aggressor. TOMORROW.

You don't want to hear it, but it's the truth brother.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I would do some digging and look into where he lives. In addition, I'd begin looking into telephone and internet usage. Does she know you came across these exchanges with him? If not, mum is the word for now. Find out what you can before she knows what you're up to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

I'd also do a little research into the laws for the State you currently live in. That could be a motive for her desire to move. Perhaps she is guilty of actions that would hurt her chances of support/custody, etc if you live in a fault state, and subsequently she may want to move to a no-fault state where that won't come into play. Something to consider.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

hurtinct said:


> Don't know but he has a wife and kids. His wife is very jealous and am pretty sure she doesn't know they talk


Square away the finances...
Then you contact his wife.
Do this within the next few days and do NOT tell your wife, act stupid and you'll be fine.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

lock down your personals. recon and expose this EA

this is an EA that will go PA first chance they get

they're reliving high school...good bet they acted this way then

no thought of consequences. Time to wake them up

your M can still be saved but exposure is MUST

if she leaves.....have her sign D papers on the way out-include

full custody of child. She will be too wrapped up in affair fog to care

for child. If she leaves state, report her to police

most child abductions are from close family


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Look up Affair Fog, and 180.

When they are in the affair fog they will find fault with you and their lives. It's classic.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Look up Affair Fog, and 180.
> 
> When they are in the affair fog they will find fault with you and their lives. It's classic.


TAM vets told me this was textbook back in '12

they were so right. there are about four patterns they follow

you can usually look for a handful of phrases and know which 

one it is within a couple minutes. Dude, on TAM you aren't

told what you want to hear, you're told what you need to hear.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> TAM vets told me this was textbook back in '12
> 
> they were so right. there are about four patterns they follow
> 
> ...


QFT!
Stomp this down now!
Did you tell his wife yet?
Please do so how she reacts is not your problem but she has a right to know.


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## hurtinct (Apr 26, 2014)

Cannot tell his wife don't know her name and cannot find her on his friends list


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

dump cell records..... reverse lookup.....there will be a name

btw, if he is cheating on his wife, I doubt they're friends on FB


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