# what should be said?



## atbab (Aug 22, 2011)

I have been married for 15 years and am going to a very difficult phase. My wife does not want to kiss me (peck on the lips is okay) or have sex. When we talk about it she says she needs therapy or says she needs to try harder.

In the past 4 months I have tried everything. I have cleaned the house, cooked dinner, done the shopping, given her a number of massages, fixed things around the house, told her how beautiful I think she is, gone for walks with her, done the things she has wanted to do and have received nothing in return. I started off not expecting anything in return but am starting to feel lonely in my marriage. My mind is starting to wonder what a separation would look like, whether the grass is greener on the other side.

Again I have tried talking to my wife about it. I have laid out how I feel not asking for a response. And got nothing

She there something specific I should be saying that will get her to start thinking about whether she wants to say or go. To get her to realise if she does not want to fulfil my needs it is pointless staying. Or do I just make the decision to go.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Your wife likely had an emotional disconnect... Essentially turned off her emotions towards you.
she is at high risk for EA/PA so snoop a bit.

The good news it can get better
The bad it takes a long freakin time

In my case I've been working non-stop for two years and finally just started a 180. Last straw.

Id say based on my non-stop consistent changes I pretty much healed the emotional connection component but the sexual component was still in neutral so I decided to pull a 180 since we are at year 2 (Don't want it to fester any longer)... I also gave her a reality check letter 3 weeks ago but saw no sexual change hence the 180 now. I told her flat out I'm not acceptable to a sexless marriage and gave her my desire list to consider. Pretty much told her she is free to leave if anything sounds crazy... had an effect she stayed and seems a lot nicer.

Best advice.... From one who's been there and still trying

1. Stop pursuing her and give her some space
2. Definitely become a better you..stay consistent. DO NOT expect anything from her.
3. Cool down the temp... less flowers, less chores (Never do more than 55%) less everything.
4. At six months talk to her again then another six months another talk. Don't just let it go.
5. Watch what you say..it can and will be used against you
6. Try to frame conversations about you both not just you.
7. Be very patient
8. Become an expert on women's needs (Google Calle Zorro..good stuff)

In essence wait for her to come to you....as she shows signs ramp up non-sexual touch.
Be careful to not appear needy in any way. Stay positive and stay upbeat.
Either she'll come around or you'll be like me force the issue and be ready to date if needed.

Grass is not greener.. try your best to fix what you already have. You owe it to her...not all her fault
LOOK IN THE MIRROR DEEP

Remember in less she is DEAF she already heard you...stop talking more doing...consistency.

Remember NO QUICK FIX 4 months is just starting! I'm 2 years in..made some progress but no home run yet.


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