# Husband stays up too late after work gaming



## HotMessExpress

Hi everyone, I'm new here, I have a 3 year old boy and am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I'm not sure what to do anymore, as I feel trapped and helpless. My husband works second shift Monday through Friday, but his schedule changes to where he either works til 11:00 pm to as late as 1:45 a.m. Lately he has been getting off of work at midnight. Here is the main problem and the thing we have fought about for the past 3 years- after work he stays up til 4:30-5:00 a.m. playing online video games. I don't mind, however, ever since we had our first son i have not been able to work because we have no one to help us babysit, and childcare is too expensive unless I worked full-time. So I have tried getting part time jobs to fit his schedule so he can watch our son while i work, and I had to quit all of them because he wouldn't go to sleep an hour earlier to wake up for me to work. He uses his job schedule being the reason I can't work and that the can't wake up by at least 10:00 a.m. He says he needs to clear his head from working with numbers all day, yet on the weekends when he's not working he's still up all hours of the night, starting at like 10 p.m.. And also he says that he's not tired til 4:30-5:00 a.m. He says I should be thankful he doesn't go out to bars every night after work instead, and yeah i am, but at least he has a wife who WANTS to work. I totally understand the need to unwind after work, for an hour or 2, but to do it 3-4 hours? it just doesn't seem fair to me, especially since I want to work, contribute. I want to work to save money for my son, and since there's another little one on the way, we really need the extra income. I just can't do this anymore, and I want some true honest advice because if i am just overreacting then ok, but if it was the other way around, I would go to sleep within an hour or 2 after getting home. Since I don't work, I cook meals for my husband including for him for work, clean and do laundry, pay all the bills, schedule all of our appointments, everything. He takes out the trash before he goes to bed and that's it. I was going to start a cleaning business, and i practiced helping clean for his grandma, til she said I would fail in the cleaning business and I shouldn't do it. I have tried baking (something i love and am passionate about) and selling my yummy baked goods, and that didn't work either. On the weekends he sits around all day watching tv. I feel like he's literally waiting for time to go by til he can game. But that's just how I feel. I'm so frustrated I wanna split up but I don't even know where to begin with that, Id need to find a full time job and have my son and new baby in daycare which i strongly don't want. I have a mortgage out in my name for the house we are currently living in, so if we did split up, he would probably have to move somewhere else. I don't know what to do! 😢 I appreciate any advice 🧡


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## Laurentium

HotMessExpress said:


> He says I should be thankful he doesn't go out to bars every night after work instead


Some truth to that. You're married to an addict, but there are worse addictions.


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## Laurentium

HotMessExpress said:


> I'm so frustrated I wanna split up but I don't even know where to begin with that,


That's a last resort.


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## jonty30

HotMessExpress said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new here, I have a 3 year old boy and am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I'm not sure what to do anymore, as I feel trapped and helpless. My husband works second shift Monday through Friday, but his schedule changes to where he either works til 11:00 pm to as late as 1:45 a.m. Lately he has been getting off of work at midnight. Here is the main problem and the thing we have fought about for the past 3 years- after work he stays up til 4:30-5:00 a.m. playing online video games. I don't mind, however, ever since we had our first son i have not been able to work because we have no one to help us babysit, and childcare is too expensive unless I worked full-time. So I have tried getting part time jobs to fit his schedule so he can watch our son while i work, and I had to quit all of them because he wouldn't go to sleep an hour earlier to wake up for me to work. He uses his job schedule being the reason I can't work and that the can't wake up by at least 10:00 a.m. He says he needs to clear his head from working with numbers all day, yet on the weekends when he's not working he's still up all hours of the night, starting at like 10 p.m.. And also he says that he's not tired til 4:30-5:00 a.m. He says I should be thankful he doesn't go out to bars every night after work instead, and yeah i am, but at least he has a wife who WANTS to work. I totally understand the need to unwind after work, for an hour or 2, but to do it 3-4 hours? it just doesn't seem fair to me, especially since I want to work, contribute. I want to work to save money for my son, and since there's another little one on the way, we really need the extra income. I just can't do this anymore, and I want some true honest advice because if i am just overreacting then ok, but if it was the other way around, I would go to sleep within an hour or 2 after getting home. Since I don't work, I cook meals for my husband including for him for work, clean and do laundry, pay all the bills, schedule all of our appointments, everything. He takes out the trash before he goes to bed and that's it. I was going to start a cleaning business, and i practiced helping clean for his grandma, til she said I would fail in the cleaning business and I shouldn't do it. I have tried baking (something i love and am passionate about) and selling my yummy baked goods, and that didn't work either. On the weekends he sits around all day watching tv. I feel like he's literally waiting for time to go by til he can game. But that's just how I feel. I'm so frustrated I wanna split up but I don't even know where to begin with that, Id need to find a full time job and have my son and new baby in daycare which i strongly don't want. I have a mortgage out in my name for the house we are currently living in, so if we did split up, he would probably have to move somewhere else. I don't know what to do! 😢 I appreciate any advice 🧡


Some games, like RPG's, are very immersive and you can't just shut it off after an hour because you will lose everything. That's not an excuse, but that is how game creators keep people playing far longer than they should.

Maybe suggest to him to leave the game on, so he doesn't otherwise lose his place and he can shut off the TV otherwise.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

That's a typical trouble with a SO working second shift work. Their time after work is much like the time one that gets off at 5pm has and spends decompressing watching tv or whatever. Usually folks spend a few hours after work doing whatever. 

It is a challenge.


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## SpinyNorman

In theory you can just move your sleep schedule to any place you want, and some people really can. But for many, it is very difficult. There is considerable research on the subject.


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## In Absentia

He seems addicted to his routine and that would almost be fine if he helped raising your child and with chores. Not sure why you decided to have another child with a man you obviously despise.


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## BigDaddyNY

HotMessExpress said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new here, I have a 3 year old boy and am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I'm not sure what to do anymore, as I feel trapped and helpless. My husband works second shift Monday through Friday, but his schedule changes to where he either works til 11:00 pm to as late as 1:45 a.m. Lately he has been getting off of work at midnight. Here is the main problem and the thing we have fought about for the past 3 years- after work he stays up til 4:30-5:00 a.m. playing online video games. I don't mind, however, ever since we had our first son i have not been able to work because we have no one to help us babysit, and childcare is too expensive unless I worked full-time. So I have tried getting part time jobs to fit his schedule so he can watch our son while i work, and I had to quit all of them because he wouldn't go to sleep an hour earlier to wake up for me to work. He uses his job schedule being the reason I can't work and that the can't wake up by at least 10:00 a.m. He says he needs to clear his head from working with numbers all day, yet on the weekends when he's not working he's still up all hours of the night, starting at like 10 p.m.. And also he says that he's not tired til 4:30-5:00 a.m. He says I should be thankful he doesn't go out to bars every night after work instead, and yeah i am, but at least he has a wife who WANTS to work. I totally understand the need to unwind after work, for an hour or 2, but to do it 3-4 hours? it just doesn't seem fair to me, especially since I want to work, contribute. I want to work to save money for my son, and since there's another little one on the way, we really need the extra income. I just can't do this anymore, and I want some true honest advice because if i am just overreacting then ok, but if it was the other way around, I would go to sleep within an hour or 2 after getting home. Since I don't work, I cook meals for my husband including for him for work, clean and do laundry, pay all the bills, schedule all of our appointments, everything. He takes out the trash before he goes to bed and that's it. I was going to start a cleaning business, and i practiced helping clean for his grandma, til she said I would fail in the cleaning business and I shouldn't do it. I have tried baking (something i love and am passionate about) and selling my yummy baked goods, and that didn't work either. On the weekends he sits around all day watching tv. I feel like he's literally waiting for time to go by til he can game. But that's just how I feel. I'm so frustrated I wanna split up but I don't even know where to begin with that, Id need to find a full time job and have my son and new baby in daycare which i strongly don't want. I have a mortgage out in my name for the house we are currently living in, so if we did split up, he would probably have to move somewhere else. I don't know what to do! 😢 I appreciate any advice 🧡


Have you let him know that this issue is so bad you are contemplating leaving him? I can tell you that I used to spend way too much time gaming. In my case it was mostly before we had kids, but it did continue after. I often had no idea how much time I was really spending gaming. It is very similar to an addiction and it may take a major wakeup call for him to see how big a problem this is. I woke myself up. I started looking at the number of hours I spent playing games and when it started adding up to second job I realized how much more productive I could be if I spent those hours on something else. I'm not sure if it would help, but see if you can quantify how much time he is spending on it, how much it is preventing you from doing what you want and need to do and that it is reaching a breaking point for you. 

My wife and I recently talked about a bad habit I had many years ago. Even though she mentioned it to me back then she never really conveyed how much it was bothering her and causing unneeded stress in her life. It was never a bad enough issue that we would divorce over, but it was really bothering her and she never expressed how much. Yes, I should have recognized it on my own, but I didn't. I really wish she would have been more forceful with me back then.


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## DallasCowboyFan

Gaming is not relaxing, it is mental stimulation. He isn't tired after work because he has slept so late. If everyone took 4 or more hours for themselves each day, the divorce rate in the US would be several times what it is. We all earn time for ourselves by helping the family stay caught up so that we all have time. He is selfish and a terrible example for children. He is focused on fantasy and missing out on reality. Tell him you are both going to marriage counseling. If he refuses, go yourself. It's a necessary expense and far more important than any cost of games or consoles. Hopefully a therapist can help you sort this out.


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## Cindywife

HotMessExpress said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new here, I have a 3 year old boy and am currently 10 weeks pregnant.
> 
> Since I don't work, I cook meals for my husband including for him for work, clean and do laundry, pay all the bills, schedule all of our appointments, everything. He takes out the trash before he goes to bed and that's it.
> 
> I have a mortgage out in my name for the house we are currently living in, so if we did split up, he would probably have to move somewhere else. I don't know what to do! 😢 I appreciate any advice 🧡


I wouldn't leave a guy for playing video games. You have a three year old, one on the way and a house and a husband to take care of so you sound really busy.

It sounds like his job will cover the expenses. Is that right?


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## re16

The fact that playing video games or not is part of a discussion about important family issues and financing tells you all you need to know.

Video games are not even in the top 100 of important priorities when it comes to family and responsibility. He is immature and child like.


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## Anastasia6

HotMessExpress said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new here, I have a 3 year old boy and am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I'm not sure what to do anymore, as I feel trapped and helpless. My husband works second shift Monday through Friday, but his schedule changes to where he either works til 11:00 pm to as late as 1:45 a.m. Lately he has been getting off of work at midnight. Here is the main problem and the thing we have fought about for the past 3 years- after work he stays up til 4:30-5:00 a.m. playing online video games. I don't mind, however, ever since we had our first son i have not been able to work because we have no one to help us babysit, and childcare is too expensive unless I worked full-time. So I have tried getting part time jobs to fit his schedule so he can watch our son while i work, and I had to quit all of them because he wouldn't go to sleep an hour earlier to wake up for me to work. He uses his job schedule being the reason I can't work and that the can't wake up by at least 10:00 a.m. He says he needs to clear his head from working with numbers all day, yet on the weekends when he's not working he's still up all hours of the night, starting at like 10 p.m.. And also he says that he's not tired til 4:30-5:00 a.m. He says I should be thankful he doesn't go out to bars every night after work instead, and yeah i am, but at least he has a wife who WANTS to work. I totally understand the need to unwind after work, for an hour or 2, but to do it 3-4 hours? it just doesn't seem fair to me, especially since I want to work, contribute. I want to work to save money for my son, and since there's another little one on the way, we really need the extra income. I just can't do this anymore, and I want some true honest advice because if i am just overreacting then ok, but if it was the other way around, I would go to sleep within an hour or 2 after getting home. Since I don't work, I cook meals for my husband including for him for work, clean and do laundry, pay all the bills, schedule all of our appointments, everything. He takes out the trash before he goes to bed and that's it. I was going to start a cleaning business, and i practiced helping clean for his grandma, til she said I would fail in the cleaning business and I shouldn't do it. I have tried baking (something i love and am passionate about) and selling my yummy baked goods, and that didn't work either. On the weekends he sits around all day watching tv. I feel like he's literally waiting for time to go by til he can game. But that's just how I feel. I'm so frustrated I wanna split up but I don't even know where to begin with that, Id need to find a full time job and have my son and new baby in daycare which i strongly don't want. I have a mortgage out in my name for the house we are currently living in, so if we did split up, he would probably have to move somewhere else. I don't know what to do! 😢 I appreciate any advice 🧡


So his excuse for not making family a priority is well it could be worse? Instead of video games I could be out at a bar? 

Well a good husband doesn't go to bars regular.

Why did you get pregnant again when these issues existed. Children trap women in relationships and financial position that can often times be unhappy situations.

Why is the house in your name only? Did you own it before him? Is his credit trashed?

I understand and agree with your concerns. Hobbies and other interests are important. So have you asked him what a reasonable amount of time to game is? I assume while gaming he isn't paying attention to you or to your existing child?

Most couples need a certain amount of together time to bond and stay bonded. How much time does he spend with you? What to you two do together?


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## re16

Get the job you want and if you have to pay for child care while he sleeps, do it, even if it costs more than you make during that time. He'll likely realize pretty quickly that his habit is costing some serious coin.

I'd look into exactly what is going on during these late gaming sessions, especially in the chat feature. Something doesn't seem right here....


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## She'sStillGotIt

Since Peter Pan wants to spend all of these late-night hours playing childish video games, maybe that time would be better spent getting a part-time job stocking shelves at the local Piggly Wiggly since he's so friggen childish and refuses to work *with* you so you can get out and work a part-time job to earn a little extra money.

Secondly, I wouldn't bet the farm that all his time is being spent gaming. As was suggested, it's totally possible he's doing a lot more than that.

Whether he's screwing around or not, that doesn't change the fact that he's a complete ass-clown.


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## Al_Bundy

There are two ways to change a life you don't like. The first one is doing the work to change it. The second and easiest is escapism (watch TV, video games). He has chosen the second option.


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## BigDaddyNY

Al_Bundy said:


> There are two ways to change a life you don't like. The first one is doing the work to change it. The second and easiest is escapism (watch TV, video games). He has chosen the second option.


I'm not so sure about that. I used to play video games all the time, far too much really, but I wasn't trying to escape anything, certainly not a life I didn't like. They are just fun and to a degree they are addicting.


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## Diana7

Must admit that would drive me crazy, partly because I hate the whole gaming culture and think it's very unhealthy physically and mentally. 
Thankfully Mr D has no interest in gaming. I feel for you.


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## BigDaddyNY

Diana7 said:


> Must admit that would drive me crazy, partly because I hate the whole gaming culture and think it's very unhealthy physically and mentally.
> Thankfully Mr D has no interest in gaming. I feel for you.


It is like everything in life, moderation is key.


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## Al_Bundy

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm not so sure about that. I used to play video games all the time, far too much really, but I wasn't trying to escape anything, certainly not a life I didn't like. They are just fun and to a degree they are addicting.


Maybe not for you but the picture she painted was a guy with a wife and kid(s) and all his spare time is taken up by either TV or video games. That doesn't scream happy. Although we're also only getting her version. 

I wonder how many more threads we'll see like this as VR technology progresses.


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## DownByTheRiver

HotMessExpress said:


> Hi everyone, I'm new here, I have a 3 year old boy and am currently 10 weeks pregnant. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married for 3. I'm not sure what to do anymore, as I feel trapped and helpless. My husband works second shift Monday through Friday, but his schedule changes to where he either works til 11:00 pm to as late as 1:45 a.m. Lately he has been getting off of work at midnight. Here is the main problem and the thing we have fought about for the past 3 years- after work he stays up til 4:30-5:00 a.m. playing online video games. I don't mind, however, ever since we had our first son i have not been able to work because we have no one to help us babysit, and childcare is too expensive unless I worked full-time. So I have tried getting part time jobs to fit his schedule so he can watch our son while i work, and I had to quit all of them because he wouldn't go to sleep an hour earlier to wake up for me to work. He uses his job schedule being the reason I can't work and that the can't wake up by at least 10:00 a.m. He says he needs to clear his head from working with numbers all day, yet on the weekends when he's not working he's still up all hours of the night, starting at like 10 p.m.. And also he says that he's not tired til 4:30-5:00 a.m. He says I should be thankful he doesn't go out to bars every night after work instead, and yeah i am, but at least he has a wife who WANTS to work. I totally understand the need to unwind after work, for an hour or 2, but to do it 3-4 hours? it just doesn't seem fair to me, especially since I want to work, contribute. I want to work to save money for my son, and since there's another little one on the way, we really need the extra income. I just can't do this anymore, and I want some true honest advice because if i am just overreacting then ok, but if it was the other way around, I would go to sleep within an hour or 2 after getting home. Since I don't work, I cook meals for my husband including for him for work, clean and do laundry, pay all the bills, schedule all of our appointments, everything. He takes out the trash before he goes to bed and that's it. I was going to start a cleaning business, and i practiced helping clean for his grandma, til she said I would fail in the cleaning business and I shouldn't do it. I have tried baking (something i love and am passionate about) and selling my yummy baked goods, and that didn't work either. On the weekends he sits around all day watching tv. I feel like he's literally waiting for time to go by til he can game. But that's just how I feel. I'm so frustrated I wanna split up but I don't even know where to begin with that, Id need to find a full time job and have my son and new baby in daycare which i strongly don't want. I have a mortgage out in my name for the house we are currently living in, so if we did split up, he would probably have to move somewhere else. I don't know what to do! 😢 I appreciate any advice 🧡


You're not overreacting. My friend went through a very similar thing. All he did after work was isolate himself in this room. He didn't help with the kids or even interact much with the family. He couldn't be relied on to even watch the young one while she ran to the store. She'd come home and find him totally oblivious as to where the kid was while he sat on his computer. My friend put herself through school while home with their first kid and got her degree to go to work, but then he said he didn't want her to, that it wasn't enough money, but the real reason is because he didn't want to help at all with the kid or home. He never even did any home maintenance and often forbade her to, for example, even trim trees or hire anyone to help. 

So she eventually (once school started for the boy) went back to work despite what the husband wanted. He lost his power over her and knew it, so he started acting more decent because he knew that now she could afford to divorce his sorry butt if he didn't act better. 

I know it's very hard to do anything until a child is in school, but once they are, you go back to work full-time and he either does his part or you divorce him, at which point you insist he has 50/50 custody so that he has to grow up and do his share. That is the norm now in custody anyway and you can insist on it and not let him say, No thanks. And for God's sake use birth control now and don't have any more with him!! He's just one big kid himself.


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