# Husband was falling out of love because I didn't look happy anymore?



## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

Would you really fall out of love with someone because they didn't look happy??

Well, he didn't completely fall out of love, but he said he was losing some feelings for me. 
We talked about everything a few days ago or so and now we're working on it. He says he still doesn't have the same feelings he had before, but he can tell he's starting to get them back.

We talked about it quite a bit and now he feels like I'm nagging him about it... I guess I might be, because I ask everyday if he's starting to get the feelings back. 
So it's understandable that he'd find it annoying, but if we're not going to make any progress I don't see the point in prolonging the divorce if there's no hope anyways.

How long does it generally take to win someone's love back? (I'm assuming about the same as trying to win someone's love in the first place?)
I really miss my husband and how things were before.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

MC. 

Were you unhappy? The idea that you'd go from a bump in the road to thoughts of divorce is telling of your state of mind. It isn't in a healthy place. Deal with your issues and stop worrying about him. If you don't you'll go down this road again and again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

I wasn't happy, but it's not because of him. 
Also, I am dealing with my issue currently, as I explained above. 

Truly I don't want a divorce, but I also don't want to stay with someone who doesn't love me anymore.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes, if my wife is gumpy and in a bad mood it affects my mood as well. If it goes on for awhile I build up resentment and anger which then reduces the affection I have for her.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My 2 cents..

If you were acting unhappy for a stretch of time, you husband probably noticed your unhappiness. At a minimum, you probably weren't a lot of fun to be around, and he may have internalized it and/or took it personally (she is unhappy with me). His feelings may have started to disappear without him really realizing it.

He says he still loves you. If you were to find your path once again, he would probably discover his feelings returning without him really realizing it.

I think working on whatever was making you unhappy and more importantly, letting your husband sort his feelings out on his own without having to give continual status updates would be a great way to start fixing things.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Never Give Up said:


> Would you really fall out of love with someone because they didn't look happy??
> 
> Well, he didn't completely fall out of love, but he said he was losing some feelings for me.
> We talked about everything a few days ago or so and now we're working on it. He says he still doesn't have the same feelings he had before, but he can tell he's starting to get them back.
> ...


As I read over the threads here, I'm reminded of reasons why my x wife says she lost feelings for me. Not looking happy was one of them. She said I had a "look" on my face all the time. :scratchhead: Personally, I never heard of someone falling out of love because the other person didn't look happy, but she listed it. 

Unfortunately, she didn't sound the alarm until she said it was too late, so she never got the feelings back and we divorced.

Apparently I was this,










but she wanted this,


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

meson said:


> Yes, if my wife is gumpy and in a bad mood it affects my mood as well. If it goes on for awhile I build up resentment and anger which then reduces the affection I have for her.


Is it because you blame yourself for her unhappiness?

Basically, what everyone is getting at is that I should work my issues and focus on making myself happier. Not letting this whole loss of love thing get me down either, since he's still willing to work things out.
Basically, I should go back to the person he fell in love with in the first place and set aside the problem.
In ways I feel even worse now with the stress of practically ruining the best thing in my life, but I'm going to try my best to not let it get to me.

It's just really shocking because I didn't think something like this would be able to destroy feelings for someone. At least not if the feelings were strong...


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Being with someone who is depressed is draining. You can't help. You are in a relationship with someone who isn't whole for some reason. It really is no fun to come home to someone who isn't enjoying life and isn't enthusiastic about anything. The energy just isn't positive. It has nothing to do with the strength of his feelings before.

People gravitate toward people who make you feel good about yourself. 

My H's ex mentioned the same thing - he never smiled. It wasn't the main reason for the D but like the other poster said, it was mentioned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Never Give Up said:


> Basically, what everyone is getting at is that I should work my issues and focus on making myself happier.


The beauty of this of course is that no matter how the relationship turns out, you will ultimately be happy.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

meson said:


> Yes, if my wife is gumpy and in a bad mood it affects my mood as well. If it goes on for awhile I build up resentment and anger which then reduces the affection I have for her.


I was depressed for a long time before I sought help. This is absolutely the way my husband felt towards me. Overall I believe men don't really like moody women. From what I've read men get a lot of self esteem from how happy their wives are.

So to the OP how I got my husband back was first and foremost I put myself in therapy and learned how to be happy. Over the years my husband kept telling me all he wanted was for me to be happy but I didn't take that seriously. I am now.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

He resents you. He probably won't say it, maybe doesn't even realize it. As a man, you wife is sometimes seen as a relection of YOU, as in his own self worth is tied somewhat to yours. 

This is a warning and you are doing well to pay attention as he is verbalizing that he is grinding down and loosing his ability to keep it up. 

Hows the sex life??


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I was depressed for a long time before I sought help. This is absolutely the way my husband felt towards me. Overall I believe men don't really like moody women. From what I've read men get a lot of self esteem from how happy their wives are.
> 
> So to the OP how I got my husband back was first and foremost I put myself in therapy and learned how to be happy. Over the years my husband kept telling me all he wanted was for me to be happy but I didn't take that seriously. I am now.


We sincerely do want our wives happy with the life we provide them. On an emotional level, we sacrifice our natural desire for sexual variety and really REALLY want to see that sacrifice validated by our woman - both in and out of bed.


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

Thanks, everyone. This is all really informative. 
I really hope that we can turn things around and that this doesn't have to end. 

Therapy is not something I'm able to do at this point, so I'm going to have to rely on myself and my love for him to give me motivation to better myself.
We're practically broke now and all of the money we do have goes to bills and his car (aka his baby). The thing won't run properly and it's stressing him out to the max.


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

Locard said:


> He resents you. He probably won't say it, maybe doesn't even realize it. As a man, you wife is sometimes seen as a relection of YOU, as in his own self worth is tied somewhat to yours.
> 
> This is a warning and you are doing well to pay attention as he is verbalizing that he is grinding down and loosing his ability to keep it up.
> 
> Hows the sex life??


The sex life is still great, that's never been an issue with us.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Never Give Up said:


> Is it because you blame yourself for her unhappiness?


No, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. But I help when I can. Thre are times when issues are talked about, actions considered but in the end nothing is done. I am glad to support when I can but it angers me to see nothing done about it. Then I resent further discussion of the issues because I know Im being ignored.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Never Give Up said:


> Therapy is not something I'm able to do at this point, so I'm going to have to rely on myself and my love for him to give me motivation to better myself.


I tried relying on my love for my husband as motivation but that never lasted for long. He was too resentful and angry which triggered me to be moody and the cycle continued. I had to learn how to detach from him to do what needed to be done. The motivation had to come from within. I had to want to get happy for myself. And either he wanted to join me or he didn't. Either way I knew I was going to be okay.


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

I don't really know if there's anything I can do for him, but I know he's also unhappy but dealing with this by himself. It links back to his car. Not even a month ago it seems he was telling me that he loved his life because he has a decent paying job, an nice car that runs, and wonderful wife. 
But then his car died (long story put short) and I think that's what put him on edge and made him notice that I was unhappy. 
Or maybe even that he wanted to come to me for comfort and noticed that I wasn't really even happy myself which angers him because neither of us are happy is seems. 
It seems like the closer his car comes to perfection, the more the mood lightens up..

I know that seems really complicated, and it is.. But it's something that just occurred to me a little bit ago.

This makes since right? Or maybe I'm overlooking things (that happens to be a flaw of mine).


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Probably, the most important part is how you related to him while you were unhappy. Just simple unhappiness would normally inspire compassion at first, then more serious feelings if it goes on a long time.

Did you verbalize through the time that you were unhappy, but it was not because of him? Did you occasionally imply that things that he was doing, or not doing, could get you out of the unhappiness if they were fixed? Were you still supportive of his emotional needs if this continued a long time?

I really feel like it is often possible to imply that he is contributor, even if you are not intentionally saying it. I'm only suggesting that if it was partially the result of miscommunication, then its important to work on this right along with addressing the unhappiness. 

For many years, my wife often created a link between me and her depression, but in her case, it was because she thought that the depression would go away if I was able to really understand her feelings. Now, she regrets the implication that it was 'my fault'. Through the entire time, though, I realized that she was only reaching out in pain because she trusted me, so I didn't lose my feelings of love for her.


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

I've been unhappy for quite a while (Many years ago I saw a therapist and was prescribed antidepressants. I stopped taking them because of side effects and never went back), but it wasn't something that he thought really affected our relationship. At least until he became unhappy it seems. He's normally a very positive and outgoing person, and it's rare for anything to get him down.
I know he's stressing over his car, and I am as supportive with him as possible. It's not like I can just go out there and fix it, but I remind him that he's a great mechanic and that he's going to figure out the problem and that he's doing great so far (which he is).

He still says I love you, he still says that he wants to be with me and he still calls me on breaks, which shows that he's not completely unhappy with me and that there's still a high change this can be fixed, right?

I don't want to keep bothering him about this since he says it annoys him.


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## Never Give Up (Jul 15, 2011)

Thank you all for talking to me and helping me. I'll come back sometime and update in case anyone is curious how this turns out.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

instead of getting off antidepressants the right thing would of been trying different antidepressants . if your major issue biochemical lol no amount of therapy or books will solve the problem . most drug companies have ways of helping you afford their medication . please explore those areas .

your inability to trust your judgement of the situation is a an issue, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

In my experience, my husband and I used to not get along because of the same reason...only he said that I "looked miserable all the time." which is essentially the same thing. So rather than force myself to act happy, then ask him every single day (yeah...not a good approach. Trying to force everything...) I, instead, did some soul searching and tried to figure out ways that I could change my frame of mind so I could allow myself to be happy and fun again. It was really important for me to be fun and enjoyable to be around for my husband again. Nobody wants to be around a wet blanket constantly. Even if you do have reasons for being happy, wallowing in the misery won't help you or anyone else. You need to find ways of seeing the sunshine through the rain clouds. And sometimes, yes, I would have to force myself to at least act like I wasn't miserable while I was in the process of working on myself, which wasn't easy since I suffered from depression, but eventually I didn't have to pretend. 

Part of my therapy was learning to accept the things about my husband that I didn't like that I was allowing to feed my depression. You either accept and forgive the things that are bothering you, or you nip them in the bud and move on. If you don't want to leave and divorce, you find ways to deal with them...whether it be MC or Self-Help or personal counseling. 

I am thankful that my husband and I can again enjoy being around each other and that I am no longer causing him to sequester himself in his office, playing on the computer all day. This, in turn, helped my depression to ebb away.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Oh, and ClipClop is right. Antidepressants are not your enemy. My depression was mostly caused by the environmental factors I grew up in, and the fact that depression and bi-polar disorder runs in my family. Different antidepressants work differently for different people, if that makes any sense.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel most times in marraige, that the attitude and enthusiam of one spouse definitely affects the other. If I am down, my husband will do anything to help bring me up and if he comes home from work upset, I will do the same (pretty much the only time he is having a bad day). We need to do what we can to bring the other up, cause it IS terribly draining when we realize we have lost the power to affect the ones who love so much. 

Here is a good book about the Brain , to help understand what is accually happening inside for many when they get depressed, etc and what we can do about it. Amazon.com: Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness (9780812929980): Daniel G. Amen: Books 

A healthy happy brain is always a HUGE + in marraige -it is a delight to your partner. It can also be "contagious".


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