# Does my wife go out too much or am I paranoid?



## cody5

I’ve been married 7 years. I'm 36, she's 32. We have 2 very young children. The first few years of our marriage were a happy honeymoon. The last 4+ years we were either very pregnant or raising infants/ toddlers. A new busy, tired happy. Although our intimacy needs work, we love each other, are best friends, and enjoy each others company tremendously.

About 8 months ago, my wife started going out on weekend nights with a girlfriend (mutual friend, also married). That's to be expected. After 4 years of being a mommy, she was due for some non-hubby/kid company. And a monthly "girl’s night out" is healthy. 

I just don't think their particular choice of activity, or frequency (used to be monthly, lately every other week) is appropriate for a 32 year old mother of 2. Every time they go out, they go out dancing at bars until closing time. Her friend is a similar age and very attractive and flirty. My wife also has an outgoing personality, and has gotten back into pretty good shape since our second child. So her and her friend surely make pretty tempting prospects in that kind of an environment. And I know both of their personalities. I know they don't dance only with each other until 2:00 AM every other weekend. I know they dance w/ people they meet there. They hang out with them. Flirt. Have fun. They have a wide circle of friends they could invite along who could make it more like a ladies night out if they chose to. But it’s always just the two of them. It’s their little thing. 

I trust my wife and don't worry that she's looking to "hook-up". She just wants to have fun. But as someone’s grandma said in another post, if you sit in the barber chair long enough, you’re going to get a haircut. The more you expose yourself to something like this, the more likely something could happen. The right guy walks in, chemistry strikes, there’s seemingly few consequences and little chance of detection. She’s human. I know she wouldn’t have sex with a man she met at a bar. But it doesn’t have to be sex to be cheating.

Am I overreacting? (There is no history of infidelity in our relationship, not even suspicion, up until now.) Is this just innocent "unwind time"? Is my jealousy going to force her to stop an activity she loves that only me and my paranoia see as wrong? 

She doesn’t talk about these evenings with me. It is a very fine line between me asking innocent questions afterwards and seeming like I’m paranoid and prying. I feel like I’m the (mostly) dependable, solid guy at home that worries about money and has annoying habits. In other words, old news and boring. These strange guys are her fun, her excitement. I hate the whole thing and don’t know what to do.


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## Leahdorus

Maybe you can get a sitter one of these times and go with her. That way you can see what the scene is there, and if she gets upset at the thought of you wanting to go with them, then I think that is a good opener for talking about things. If she welcomes you to join them, then I think things are probably fine and I might not worry as much. If she gets defensive about you going along, I would get a little suspicious.


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## cody5

Thanks. I've thought of that. But I fear her rejection of me going. I know I won't have fun. Neither will she. It would be a mess. I already hate all of this too much to be able to pretend it is anything but spying. Don't you think she would have invited me out by now if it were even an option? It's never even been implied. It would like her being invited to a bunch of girls-only baby showers in a short amount of time and me getting a sitter to go to one. It just wouldn't make sense.

I'll think about it.


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## recent_cloud

your wife doesnt respond in a loving way to your concerns so you have the answer to your question.

she knows what she's doing, the line she's walking.

she doesn't care.



cody5 said:


> I hate the whole thing and don’t know what to do.


well there you have it.

i'm sorry but you do know what to do.

you just don't want to do it.

which is understandable but not healthy.

i'm sorry i couldn't be more positive.


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## cody5

Thanks "recent cloud". The first part of your post helped me understand my feelings. The "she doesn't care" part stings, but I know it's true. 

As far as "you know what to do you just don't want to do it"? 
- If you mean to talk about it, that doesn't work. She get's defensive and accusational. 
- If you mean force the issue more? I just see that as the talk about it option getting bad. 
- Marriage counseling to improve communication? Find out what she's looking for when she goes out tomcatting? Maybe, but that's pretty drastic.

Of all of those, the best option I see is "force the issue more". It will become a knock-down drag-out that ends in me insisting she stop with threats of the consequences if she doesn't. But I don't want to be that kind of husband either.


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## scarletblue

I used to go out dancing every other weekend. I love dancing. My hubby would go whenever he felt like it, but he's friends with the DJ and would spend most of the night in the DJ booth.

Hubby had no problem with me going out without him. We have a standing rule though about who to dance with. We definately do not dance with strangers of the opposite sex. There are a couple of people that we feel comfortable with each other dancing with. I either dance with girlfriends, the designated "safe" people, or by myself. I never cheated, and was never even tempted to.

If your wife doesn't want you to go because it's not your "thing" and neither of you would have a good time, that is one thing. If she doesn't want you to go because you'd cramp her style, that is another.

Personally, the whole...going out every other weekend thing.....gets old. It was kind of a phase, I guess. I go out once every 4 or 6 months now. So maybe your wife will get tired of it.

I'm wondering if she doing this as a post-partem ego boost. After having a couple of babies, maybe your wife is just getting some of her self confidence back. Having kids is such a life altering thing for both parents. Some women can feel pidgeon holed into the "mommy" thing and want to feel like a woman again.

My advise would be for you to find some things for the two of you to do together that you both enjoy. Movie nights, dinners out, etc...

Bottem line is, if what she is doing is hurting you, it's not good and she needs to understand that.


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## cody5

Thanks Scarletblue. I needed to hear from a woman about what goes on during these nights out. What goes through a womans head. I appreciate you giving me possibilities about how this could all be innocent. But you also leave open just as big a possibility that they are not:

- You had boundaries. That implies there could be trouble if there is not. We haven’t set boundaries and I have NO reason to believe she set self-imposed ones (besides the obvious big indisputable ones, of course). I know her, her friend, and their personalities. And let’s not ignore the type of environment she is putting herself into twice a month. These clubs are known more for hooking people up than for girls dancing with each other. I can guarantee that 90+% of the guys that go to these places are there to get laid (that’s 100% minus the few gay guys that actually like to dance). That’s a tough environment for a husband in my situation.

- It may be a post partum issue, but wanting to “feel like a woman again” isn’t exactly an argument to push this in the “innocent” direction. I’m sorry if she has issues, but that can’t excuse inappropriate behavior.

- Dancing is not "my thing". But let’s say me and my best buddy like to go to strip bars and get a lapdance every other weekend. Just because that’s not HER thing, it wouldn’t make it right. Is that an extreme example? I don’t know, what’s worse? Some bimbo who is probably repulsed by you and wants nothing but to take your money as fast as she can by rubbing herself through your pants for 5 minutes? Or a series of potential short-term emotional attachments that have at least the possibility to progress.

- Why the secrets? Why not tell me where she goes? Why not tell me what the crowd was like? Tell me how much fun she had? Who’d she hang out with? Anything funny happen? Anything interesting? What kind of music did they play? Did everybody dance or would I maybe not feel so out of place if I went and talked to the other wall flowers? She goes out for a one hour lunch with a friend and I hear the details for hours. But nothing after one of these

I’m sorry, and I appreciate the advice, but I’m still leaning in the “not so innocent” direction. In starting this thread, I wanted to know if I could initiate a discussion on this issue and not have it turned back on me as a jealous husband. To press the discussion when she gets defensive and accusatory without being called controlling. To not have to slink away feeling like I’m a bad guy for having what everyone must admit are valid concerns. Have her respect those concerns and discuss them with me. If these nights are so innocent, tell me about it like Scarletblue did. If they have the potential to go a little astray, let’s talk about that to; set boundaries. (And of course, if you admit you do it only to get a rush out of the sensual closeness of the slow-dances, we have a problem.)

And we do things together. But again, I’m Mr. Old and Dependable. We don’t do anything that could match the excitement of her singles nights out, and that bothers me.


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## michzz

Wake up!

Your wife is looking for male attention and telling you whatever she has to to get you off her back.


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## cody5

michzz said:


> Wake up!
> 
> Your wife is looking for male attention and telling you whatever she has to to get you off her back.


OUCH! That one hurt. But I guess it's summarizes the situation better than the hundreds of the great words of advice above. I think I needed that slap. Thanks.


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## brighterlight

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark! Shakespeare...

First thing is - ask her if you can go dancing with her one of those times. If she gets defensive or gives you an excuse as to why you should not, don't argue with her just say OK honey.

Dude, then show up unnannounced at the club. Go ahead people flame me for that suggestion but you know what - I've been through the same thing - it's where my wife at age 32 met the OM. It really messed up my marriage. So I say, show up one night and just check things out. Don't let her know your there. And if something is going on you don't like, don't make a scene there. Wait until you can talk to her at home and then start the inquisition. Sorry, but if something is going on you don't like you need to put a stop to it before it gets WAY out of hand, if it hasn't already.


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## michzz

cody5 said:


> OUCH! That one hurt. But I guess it's summarizes the situation better than the hundreds of the great words of advice above. I think I needed that slap. Thanks.


If it were about "the dance" as an artform or for exercise, then she doesn't need a parade of men looking to get laid "dancing" with her. She'd join a gym that has dance classes.

I mean, we both know that men at such places are not there for "the dance" as an artform or exercise.


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## cody5

brighterlight said:


> Dude, then show up unnannounced at the club. QUOTE]
> 
> I'm not so proud to say that I've tried that. But there are any number of clubs within a 4 mile radius that she could go to and I didn't catch her. I'm sorry if I gave the impression she is a lightweight partyer. If the action's not good at one, they hop to another. Since the music played is standard no matter what the crowd is like, they're surely not searching for the best DJ.


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## michzz

cody5 said:


> brighterlight said:
> 
> 
> 
> Dude, then show up unnannounced at the club. QUOTE]
> 
> I'm not so proud to say that I've tried that. But there are any number of clubs within a 4 mile radius that she could go to and I didn't catch her. I'm sorry if I gave the impression she is a lightweight partyer. If the action's not good at one, they hop to another. Since the music played is standard no matter what the crowd is like, they're surely not searching for the best DJ.
> 
> 
> 
> You're not quite getting it. The bar hook up, leave with guy.
Click to expand...


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## Boucaques07

Be happy your wifey is out with friends on weekends. My guess is that you're jealous that you have to work all week and watch her party all weekend while you "babysit" your own kids. You should be sooooo happy she isn't home on friday and saturday nights to yell at you. Be glad for the weekly vacation man! Put the munchkins down early then drink beer and play XBox. The perfect life. And if she is "hooking up" with these guys in the clubs then she's a gutter ****; and hopefully one of these idiots will keep her so she can do the same thing to him.


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## cody5

OK. Now that you all see I'm just being an idiot about this, it's time to mess with me. Believe it or not, I don't fear the "bar hook up, leave with guy". There are problems here, but if I thought it was hard-core cheating, I wouldn't be here chatting on an advice forum. (I'd probably either be in jail or have a restraining order against me by now).

And B07, I'm not even going to touch that one, but thanks for the advice.


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## cody5

Thanks everyone. I was up until 4:00AM this morning thinking about this. I have taken all of your input (including the ones posted just to stoke the fire) and developed a plan.

I have created a scenario of her actions that includes a detailed description of what she presumably does and the environment in which she chooses to do it. I will not have to accuse her of anything. Simple agreement on the minimum description of what goes on during these singles nights will reveal a scenario in which her actions are at best inappropriate, at worst bordering on infidelity. 

Minimum, she has to agree that her and her friend get dressed up to look good for a night out. That night out is planned for a nightclub where they plan to drink, dance and have a good time. Those nightclubs are regularly crowded, and the crowds regularly consist of more single males than females. So this partying takes place in an environment in which a large proportion of the clientele is there for the purpose of getting laid only (ALL of the males, many of the females). 

So far, 100% innocent. My wife can go out. She likes to dance. I can’t hold her accountable for the fact that a large proportion of the population thinks with their genitals and roams her dance spots. However, she chooses to put herself, on a regular basis, in a scenario like that described above, and in an environment more well known for hooking up for sex than for dancing. That she doesn’t consider my feelings when doing this is at best insensitive and disrespectful to me. At worst, she knows she is hurting me and doesn’t care. She knows any husband would feel insecure and ignores it.

Now I’ll have to take the above undeniable scenario and make safe presumptions. In these partying environments of raging testosterone, my attractive wife and her hot friend make pretty good targets/prospects. Men approach them to buy them drinks, start up conversation and ask them to dance. Safe to say not many girls approach them. All of this is undeniable and adds to the “insensitivity towards my feelings” problem, but again she’s done nothing wrong.

She will have to then deny to my face that she accepts any of these drinks. That she declines all of the men’s advances to dance and talk. She will need to admit that these men don’t just have one drink or one dance with her and leave, but stay and talk and dance some more. She has partied with some “favorites” all night. She has possibly run into some a second and third time as she now regularly frequents these “meet markets”. They are both flirters so they flirt. They have inappropriate conversations. The men make moves on them. They may push back with a giggle, but they don’t throw their drinks in their faces and walk away. I’ll need some serious convincing to believe it’s not pretty accurate. 

Let’s stop there while we agree on what defines infidelity:
-	Any sexual contact including intercourse, oral, heavy petting. 
-	Making out.
-	Internet relationships. 
-	Emotional relationships where there is no physical contact but excessive emotional contact.

I am going to argue that short term bonds developed in environments described above, with men that they seek out for casual enjoyment, replacing the affections of a spouse, is a logical next step in the above infidelity chain. If I add speculation that they are not immune to the “less innocent” sides of this life, there are possible slow dances with that rare “great guy” that hit on her and stayed to party. That really nice guy that bought her a drink and they talked all night. That beautiful man that bent over to give her a little kiss on the lips and the moment takes over. I have reason to believe she didn’t return home in the same car as her friend on some occasions. 

I feel she’s cheating on me and I’m going to tell her why.


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## shelleyv

My husband doesnt allow me to go anywhere. I get invited to tons of places by friends / colleagues and always have to make excuses. Be believes I should be at home with the family. he is an ex alcoholic / drug addict and since rehab has become anti-social. that means I too have become anti-social because he never wants to go anywhere or do anything. I wish my husband was more allowing / understanding as you. If i were allowed to go out, it would just be for fun. But i wouldnt do it often, my family is more important to me. I think your wife is pushing it just a little. And if you are having doubts about what she is doing, then there probably is some truth to it. Our 6th sense is never wrong. Not saying she has done something, but if the ladies nights become more frequent there must be a reason, other than just having fun. I really hope she isnt messing you around, you sound like such a nice guy. good luck.


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## NothingMan

Right on brother. Going out with girlfriends to have a good time is cool with me. Doing something with friends that makes our spouses insecure to the point of questioning the marriage vows? Unacceptable. Dont let her lie her way out of it. 



John


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## scarletblue

I guess I did forget to mention that when I get home, I tell hubby all about my night. Who was there, what was said, this or that was funny, so-and-so asked where you were. Why wouldn't I want to share with hubby how my night went?

I would never slow dance with anyone (although a girlfriend picked me up and spun me once, lol). Slow dancing or grinding on the dance floor with anyone but my hubby would just feel creepy and wrong. One night a drunk guy was following my girlfriend and me around on the dance floor, so I turned to him and said "Go away". He did.

I think you have every right to confront your wife about this. Either she knows what she's doing is bothering you, or she doesn't. If I was inadvertently hurting my husband somehow, I would want to know about it so I could fix it.

In my opinion, you wife knows what she is doing. She knows it hurts you. Her secretiveness about it is shady. I don't know her motivation but she needs to wake up. She shouldn't be sacraficing your happiness for her own.


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## scarletblue

oops...I didn't see your last post there.....I agree with you 100%.


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## Corpuswife

Time to have a heart to heart with her...

Tell her your concerns. Don't accuse her of anything or you'll get defensive mode. Let her talk.

It's not that she's going out...it's where she's going out! I do feel she is craving attention.


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## QuitaBee

scarletblue said:


> I used to go out dancing every other weekend. I love dancing. My hubby would go whenever he felt like it, but he's friends with the DJ and would spend most of the night in the DJ booth.
> 
> Hubby had no problem with me going out without him. We have a standing rule though about who to dance with. We definately do not dance with strangers of the opposite sex. There are a couple of people that we feel comfortable with each other dancing with. I either dance with girlfriends, the designated "safe" people, or by myself. I never cheated, and was never even tempted to.
> 
> If your wife doesn't want you to go because it's not your "thing" and neither of you would have a good time, that is one thing. If she doesn't want you to go because you'd cramp her style, that is another.
> 
> Personally, the whole...going out every other weekend thing.....gets old. It was kind of a phase, I guess. I go out once every 4 or 6 months now. So maybe your wife will get tired of it.
> 
> I'm wondering if she doing this as a post-partem ego boost. After having a couple of babies, maybe your wife is just getting some of her self confidence back. Having kids is such a life altering thing for both parents. Some women can feel pidgeon holed into the "mommy" thing and want to feel like a woman again.
> 
> My advise would be for you to find some things for the two of you to do together that you both enjoy. Movie nights, dinners out, etc...
> 
> Bottem line is, if what she is doing is hurting you, it's not good and she needs to understand that.



:iagree:


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## brighterlight

cody, I really wish you luck on this. Let us know how things are turning out. I would be nice if there was something else she would like to do for going out that both of you can do together. This whole club scene thing is OK for every once in a while - with you but not as excessive as you say it is. Just out of curiousity, you said her friend was married - have you not wondered what her husband is thinking? Do you know him? Just a thought that he may be thinking and feeling the way you are.


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## Kitkat

cody5 said:


> Thanks everyone. I was up until 4:00AM this morning thinking about this. I have taken all of your input (including the ones posted just to stoke the fire) and developed a plan.
> 
> I have created a scenario of her actions that includes a detailed description of what she presumably does and the environment in which she chooses to do it. I will not have to accuse her of anything. Simple agreement on the minimum description of what goes on during these singles nights will reveal a scenario in which her actions are at best inappropriate, at worst bordering on infidelity.
> 
> Minimum, she has to agree that her and her friend get dressed up to look good for a night out. That night out is planned for a nightclub where they plan to drink, dance and have a good time. Those nightclubs are regularly crowded, and the crowds regularly consist of more single males than females. So this partying takes place in an environment in which a large proportion of the clientele is there for the purpose of getting laid only (ALL of the males, many of the females).
> 
> So far, 100% innocent. My wife can go out. She likes to dance. I can’t hold her accountable for the fact that a large proportion of the population thinks with their genitals and roams her dance spots. However, she chooses to put herself, on a regular basis, in a scenario like that described above, and in an environment more well known for hooking up for sex than for dancing. That she doesn’t consider my feelings when doing this is at best insensitive and disrespectful to me. At worst, she knows she is hurting me and doesn’t care. She knows any husband would feel insecure and ignores it.
> 
> Now I’ll have to take the above undeniable scenario and make safe presumptions. In these partying environments of raging testosterone, my attractive wife and her hot friend make pretty good targets/prospects. Men approach them to buy them drinks, start up conversation and ask them to dance. Safe to say not many girls approach them. All of this is undeniable and adds to the “insensitivity towards my feelings” problem, but again she’s done nothing wrong.
> 
> She will have to then deny to my face that she accepts any of these drinks. That she declines all of the men’s advances to dance and talk. She will need to admit that these men don’t just have one drink or one dance with her and leave, but stay and talk and dance some more. She has partied with some “favorites” all night. She has possibly run into some a second and third time as she now regularly frequents these “meet markets”. They are both flirters so they flirt. They have inappropriate conversations. The men make moves on them. They may push back with a giggle, but they don’t throw their drinks in their faces and walk away. I’ll need some serious convincing to believe it’s not pretty accurate.
> 
> Let’s stop there while we agree on what defines infidelity:
> -	Any sexual contact including intercourse, oral, heavy petting.
> -	Making out.
> -	Internet relationships.
> -	Emotional relationships where there is no physical contact but excessive emotional contact.
> 
> I am going to argue that short term bonds developed in environments described above, with men that they seek out for casual enjoyment, replacing the affections of a spouse, is a logical next step in the above infidelity chain. If I add speculation that they are not immune to the “less innocent” sides of this life, there are possible slow dances with that rare “great guy” that hit on her and stayed to party. That really nice guy that bought her a drink and they talked all night. That beautiful man that bent over to give her a little kiss on the lips and the moment takes over. I have reason to believe she didn’t return home in the same car as her friend on some occasions.
> 
> I feel she’s cheating on me and I’m going to tell her why.


I hate to say it, but you are probably right. A couple of years ago, my would-be best friend put her husband through the very same thing. Unfortunately I was her partner in crime, and we did alot of things, that in hindsight, were extremely wrong. Her husband, like you, was a more laid back person, who didn't question her much inspite of all his suspicions. Needless to say, they are no longer together.
This may not be the situation with your wife, but in good time, all will be revealed. You don't have to follow her around like someone said. The truth will present itself to you.


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## CarolineMRF

You are not overeacting...She should be with you or have an afternoon with the girls....Years ago when I was young a friend and I went to a movie and a bar afterwards...My husband stayed with the kids...We had guys offering to buy us drinks right and left....If you are at a bar with another woman, IMO it looks bad....She should be concentrating on the intimate life with you instead of trying to find her yesterday....

Caroline


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## cody5

I am not laid back. I’m being torn apart and don’t know how to handle it without being the overly jealous husband that forbids his wife to go out.

There are two main reasons a person goes to a “meet market”/dance club:

1 – To dance
2 – To hook up with members of the opposite sex. 

The extremes in number one would be Scarletblue (previous poster), all gay males at hetero clubs, and ostensibly my wife and her friend. The extremes on number two would be anyone who goes there purely to get laid (I think we can all agree a majority fall here).

There are of course possibilities that lie in between. I know my wife, her friend, the bar scene, and enough circumstantial evidence to conclude that my wife falls a lot higher on scale number two than she claims. High enough, I think, to sum up her nights out as lying to me about going out dancing when she is really going out to meet, dance with, and party with different men every night. Surely multiple men during a 5 hour stretch. It could even be interpreted that she is going out on dates on those horrible nights. My wife is cheating on me, albeit in an unconventional manner. 

No, I was never hit with the news that my wife had a physical affair with another man. But what that guy has to protect him is ignorance. It’s all going on behind his back. I have to watch my wife primp and dress for her date. I get to watch her drive away to her date like a proud papa. And best of all, I get to lay awake in bed until 2:30 AM with a pit in my stomach wondering how the date’s going.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am pleasantly surprised my excursion onto this sight could have helped so much.


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## dee

My opinion it that this is somewhat healthy. I can understand your feelings and I don't think you are wrong to feel that way but sometimes we all need our time away and that can actually help make a marriage stronger. It sounds like your relationship is quite healthy and your love for each other is pretty strong. If she has not done anything to make you feel otherwise, I would judt take this issue as a way for her to get her own time out of the house and not as anything to worry about. I do think, however, that if you feel she is going out too often, maybe sitting down with her and asking her to slow it down might be a good idea. She would probably understand if you explained that it was bothering you but that you did not want to stop her from continuing her outings. If you put it in a perspective of you missing her each weekend, it could be a good way to make her understand. Just an idea.


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## cody5

Thanks Dee, but I'm guessing you wrote this without reading my last post. I've essentially accused my wife of lying to me about what she was doing/looking for. I've labeled her an adultress, essentially. I can see what you're saying, but I can't see anything healthy about the way she acted and treated her family. I've got to confront her and it will be a fight. I think my marriage is in more trouble than I thought.


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## euphoria

I am sorry about your situation. Your wife's behavior is totally inappropriate. Why don't you let her know how you feel, and not back down this time? Tell her that you don't mind that she spends an evening with her friend, but not in that manner. She should take the time to go to a restaurant, play, etc...but you know that already..you just need to let her know. I think the main reason that she continues to do this Cody, is because you allow it. That is also why it used to be once a month, now it is every other weekend..soon it will be every weekend. You must put a stop to this, let her know how you feel. If she still will not stop, that means that she is addicted to this behavior. Is she close with her parents? I would talk to the people closest to her who she respects the most. Maybe she will feel some shame and stop. Also, the next time she is getting dressed to go out, why don't you get up and leave first? Surely she won't leave the kids alone...after a few hours pass come home and try to talk. Not sure it would work, just a suggestion.

I hope things get better for you. I know a few people who have gone through things like this. When I was doing my medical residency the hours were very long and exhausting. I sadly have quite a few friends who ended up divorced because their spouse began this type of behavior...going out, partying. But their excuse was because they were lonely. Your wife doesn't seem to have such an excuse. You are home and spend a good amount of time with her, I assume? Do you spend quality time together? Without the children?


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## cody5

Hi everyone. I'm in a better place now. I've convinced myself enough that my wife's being an adultress w.h.ore that at least the confusion’s gone. I also now know that at least I'm the better person. I've determined to improve my family life to make up for how she is dragging it down. I'm also ready to confront her on this issue.

However, if I just tell her she can't go, even with the convincing argument I have developed that she is indeed a s.l.ut, she will just accuse me of being an immature, overbearing, jealous child that can't handle her new found independence. So I've developed a plan (I love this).

I've bought one of those little three packs of condoms. On her way out tonight, I'm going to hand them to her and say "we've never discussed your safety out there. I just want to make sure you have your own supply in case the other man doesn’t. I'm not condoning it, but safety first. DO NOT let him convince you he’s clean and doesn’t need one. Now get out of here and go have fun".

What do you think? I love it. It informs her that I know she’s a tramp, implies I don’t care that she’s a tramp, and through it all I can be a responsible adult.

And again thanks for all of those posts. They are helping a lot. It's good to know I'm not alone in this and that I'm not imagining it. You all helped me to not allow my wife to define the appropriateness of her actions.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**Adultress w.h.ore - Any married woman who goes out with her frined to “meet-markets” every other Saturday night for the expressed purpose of meeting strange men for partying, while lying to your husband that the intent is something more innocent.


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## martino

Wow Cody you are going about this the totally wrong way imo. If she is cheating by telling her that you are clearing her conscience since you have no concrete proof. Bad strategy.


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## MsStacy

You don't want to be the overbearing, jealous husband?

But the spiteful, devious, hateful husband is ok?

Have you actually sat down with your wife and had a conversation? One along the lines of it's inappropriate for her to be clubbing it up as if she were single and you are uncomfortable with it. You don't want to take away her girls nights out so can you come to a compromise?


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## Ingrid

cody5 said:


> I've bought one of those little three packs of condoms. On her way out tonight, I'm going to hand them to her and say "we've never discussed your safety out there. I just want to make sure you have your own supply in case the other man doesn’t. I'm not condoning it, but safety first. DO NOT let him convince you he’s clean and doesn’t need one. Now get out of here and go have fun".
> 
> What do you think? I love it. It informs her that I know she’s a tramp, implies I don’t care that she’s a tramp, and through it all I can be a responsible adult.


I think it's going way too far considering you haven't sat her down lately and had a conversation about how much it bothers you... and you DON'T still really know what is going on. You're assuming the worst. Suppose all she really IS doing is dancing and some very mild flirting at most?

Obviously you are angrier/more upset about this situation than you initially seemed to be, but I hope you talk with her honestly first, instead of the passive-aggressive way you are intending to go about things.


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## scarletblue

Cody, let me say again that I think you have every right to feel the way you do.......get ready, here it comes.........BUT.......

Although you feel your wife is being disrespectful to you, you now have put 2 and 2 together and made 5. You do not have all the facts to draw your conclusion. Yes, you've seen red flags, but unless there is more that what you've said here, you don't know that she is out there having sex with other men, dancing inappropriately with men, kissing men, or even accepting drinks from them. Please don't over react and decide she is doing the worst. Talk to her!!!!!

Let me also add that when I go out with just the girls, we stay in our own group. We're pretty good at giving off the "go away" vibe. Men rarely approach us and on that odd occasion that they do, we politely tell them that we are not interested. If that doesn't work, then we just say "go away". Now that may sound mean to some, but why waste time trying to be polite when the guy is mistaking politeness for encouragement?

What I'm trying to say is stop and think this through. You have gone from...my wife goes out too much...to...my wife is a s.l.u.t.

You need to sit down with your wife and tell her that this behavior bothers you, how it makes you feel, and why. Tell her that you feel that she is going out and behaving like she is single. Then find out if that is what she's doing and find out why she's doing it...if she is at all.

If you indeed do want to work this out with your wife, then put the "you're an adulteress w.h.o.r.e." thing on the back burner unless you have more to go on. The whole condom thing seems like you're just spoiling for a fight. Nothing is going to get solved if either of you is feeling defensive.


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## brighterlight

Cody, you are really angry right now - I've been there. Cool it a bit and talk to her first about how you feel. Tell her that it is really hurting you. Personally, I don't see her fessing up to anything, and more than likely she will say that she is just dancing BUT...even so, ask her to stop. It seems to me that if the talking doesn't help resolve your issue, then at that time, and only at that time, you should lay it all out for her - (not the condom thing, that is just going to make things worse). Tell her that she has two choices, either stop going out to clubs so much or she can leave - for good. It's going to cause a disruption on her "party" life and "good time" and not going to be easy for you, but do you really care? If you are spending sleepless nights, angry, anxious, upset all the time then you are very unhappy. You also have the right to have peace and love and respect. If you aren't getting that, she needs to know whether it aggrivates her or not. That's just my opinion after having gone through the "going out to club" thing with my wife also. But remember, give her a chance to talk to you about it first, it could be that she has not really gone as far as you think.


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## akshay

another idea - do you get to interact with her friend? or her husband? (sometimes the friend would share the stuff with her husband)....maybe you can check with her/her husband and find out what's happening...not directly...but am sure you can figure out...


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## Sammiedog

Hey Cody5

I see ur concern. My husband has the same. Our son is 18 months in 2 days. When he was about 14 months, I had this MAJOR drive to go out and have fun. IT was almost to the point it was erratic. I was out til the bars closed. Drinking. Driving home. All not something a mother should be doing. He did confront me. And I was defensive because I was looking for attention in some ways. Becoming a new mother was a shock to my persona. Although it was a great shock, I all of a sudden felt I needed someone to recognize me as a woman again. Not just mom and caregiver. I have no doubt that's what your wife is doing. I hate to say this, but it feels good to know you are still attractive to others. She may not persue anything, but it is a good ego boost. To make a long story short, my husband had to confront me with his concerns and set some boundaries. Problem is, I did fall for someone. Not from a bar, but a friend that I started spending more time with. Now we're dealing with the consequences. You have to talk to her.


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## mike1

My wife was the same way for a while - liked going out with another married girlfriend to dance and drink. I did trust her and she was always with 1 or 2 other women that I really knew and trusted as well. And I know how much my wife likes to dance and I don't really so I felt pretty okay with it. Also it was never that regular, every couple of months maybe. If it were all the time I would've said something a lot sooner. 

The fact is though these are not good situations to be in for a married person. Out drinking, dancing, it can easily create a sexually arousing situation. I don't care who you are, when you drink you can lose your inhibitions and do things you might never dream of doing sober. Probably every guy in any dance club is there for one reason, to get laid! So as this went on, even though it was very occasional, I became more and more uncomfortable with it and eventually had a talk with my wife. I explained everything that I was concerned with and she agreed. I told her that I knew she liked to dance and there are still maybe a few times a year she'll go out dancing but we agreed that she will not have more then a couple of drinks when she does and so it's worked out okay. 

The important thing is to try and communicate and explain why you're not comfortable with this situation. Everyone needs to blow off steam now and then but you're 100% right, this isn't appropriate behavior for a married mother of 2. Hopefully there would be some other activities she could participate in that wouldn't involve bars, drinking and dancing until 2am? 

I realize your last post on this was 5 days ago so I'm interested to hear how it's gone for you. Hopefully she does care about the relationship more then going out to bars. Let us know!


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## TheMarriageManual

Hi there, I was reading all your other advice and all have some merit, but I believe the real issue here is your wife's need for attention. She needs to feel attractive, sexy and wanted. She is getting this attention elsewhere, she should be getting this from you. I am sorry, but in a healthy, loving relationship you would not want to leave your spouse to hang out at a bar, regardless of whether you dance or not! maybe once in a while for a bachlerette party, but absolutely NOT on the weekends! You maybe wondering what you can do? My suggestion is this: clean yourself up, get a baby sitter and surprise her with a romantic getaway or evening out. Constantly tell her how beautiful she is and how much you love her. Be creative, she obviously is craving attention and novelty, you be the new guy! Hope this helps!


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## CarolineMRF

Sammiedog said:


> Hey Cody5
> 
> I see ur concern. My husband has the same. Our son is 18 months in 2 days. When he was about 14 months, I had this MAJOR drive to go out and have fun. IT was almost to the point it was erratic. I was out til the bars closed. Drinking. Driving home. All not something a mother should be doing. He did confront me. And I was defensive because I was looking for attention in some ways. Becoming a new mother was a shock to my persona. Although it was a great shock, I all of a sudden felt I needed someone to recognize me as a woman again. Not just mom and caregiver. I have no doubt that's what your wife is doing. I hate to say this, but it feels good to know you are still attractive to others. She may not persue anything, but it is a good ego boost. To make a long story short, my husband had to confront me with his concerns and set some boundaries. Problem is, I did fall for someone. Not from a bar, but a friend that I started spending more time with. Now we're dealing with the consequences. You have to talk to her.


Very wise and honest words...It's not called attention....It is called "excitement"....A "turn on"...Anyone who has a few drinks and adds the stimulation of sweat and some hot dancing could be walking the walk of very dangerous ground...For some women it may be OK....However, for the young woman who may be sexually turned on, she may be playing with fire...The secret is sow your oats before you marry...If you are talking about a movie or cards with the women that is OK, but dancing at a singles bar can get you in trouble....When you spend time talking with men you open up a new part of yourself...Add some drinks to it and that lovely haze of feeling good can alter your thoughts...


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## ElKabong

I believe your thought process is solid. It's hard to
remain objective while your emotions are signaling
trouble. Your wife is treading in unusual areas for
'acceptabe marriage-minded parameters'. She and
you know it's not right but it continues.
Don't lose your cool but don't let it go unchecked.
Evidence is important. Have her followed by a trusted
and un-noticeable person who will report back to you.
Even if she is not tecnicquely cheating this scene is
still unacceptable and must be dealt with. Be 
prepared for an ulgy fight and/or outcome. Don't
let your emotions cloud your brain and don't
anticipate the course of this dispute/resolution.
Let your brain guide you and good luck. What will
be will be.


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## cody5

Hi Everyone. I'm back. 

My last post was an early Saturday morning after a night with NO sleep. After stressing all morning and into the afternoon, I knew I couldn't take another night of her partying and sneaking around until 2:00AM. It had been 2 weeks since her last excursion, and I was terrified waiting for that last minute "I'm going out. Bye". It would have actually been dangerous for my infant and my toddler to be alone with me in my exhausted and emotionally drained and stressed condition. Circumstances forced a conversation I should have better planned, but for the safety of my family, I had to do it. So how did it go?

As you may have imagined. I didn't do the condom thing (I was actually in a BAD place when I wrote that, not a good one). I didn't even accuse. I was actually pretty objective for someone in my physical and emotional state. But no help. I am jealous and overbearing, trying to control her life, not let her have a "life outside of our marriage". I yelled. She yelled. I told her she can do anything she wants, she just needs to know how I feel. 

That's it. 4+ weeks since the fight, 6+ weeks since her last clubbing trip. She hasn't gone 6+ weeks the whole time. It looks like it may be over. But like everything else about this episode, we don't talk about it anymore. Is her little post-partem "thing" over? Was she in so much need of it that she will start again? Why did she stop? Why did she START? 

I was watching "Glee" tonight (funny show). The paranoid psychotic wife says to a student "flirting is cheating". It was supposed to be over the top, but in many cases, flirting IS cheating. Going out of your way to flirt in questionable surroundings with strange men probably is cheating. Accepting drinks from them, dancing with them, developing numerous short term emotional relationships with them surely is cheating. And that's just a start. Dancing is not THAT much fun that they can do it so much w/o something adding to it. There was the sneakiness. She didn't spend much money for being at a bar for 5 hours, so who was buying her drinks. I of course have no proof of this, but there is NO WAY you can spend that much time in meet markets and have it be 100% innocent.

New problem: do I let it go, put it off as a post-partem problem that is now out of her system? I feel like I've been cheated on and also get the label as bad-guy for it. Nowhere to turn. No closure. I thought her stopping would help, but I still need closure.


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## recent_cloud

all of your questions are reasonable and legitimate.

right now you feel like you've been taken advantage of, like you've had your emotional pocket picked

and you feel like you can't even ask if it ever really happened, let alone why.

i'm sorry to say the odds are good some very inappropriate behaviours emerged during your wife's, um, outings.

her reactions to your fear-based questions speak volumes about that.

i'm happy to say there's an equal chance, after your last arguement about this issue, that your wife just realized how hurtful her actions were and just stopped, or she's taken things to another level and has changed her behaviour to further secret her other life from you.

sometimes 50-50 is a damned good bet.

it's time to talk

you have absolutely nothing to lose

it'd be nice if the conversation took place in a councelor's office

but sometimes a visceral one-to-one 'let's get it on the table' conversation can be very freeing.

oh yeah.
:allhail:


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## cody5

Recent Cloud. You summed up in your first three sentences what I couldn't articulate with hundreds of words in an entire thread. Thank you.

Although all of the (constructive) advice was very helpful, hearing from WOMEN who have gone through this has been eye-opening. Reading these responses, an unofficial summary revealed that married women who like to go clubbing fall into two general categories:

1 - Those that were looking to party at meet markets. 

2 - Those that actually like to dance. 

Yes, number 2's, you are out there. You would think that would be good news to me in that maybe my wife fell into that category. But almost across the board, my wife exhibited behavior consistent with number 1's. From her secrecy, frequency of nights out, inability to discuss it with me...

Are you number 1's cheating on your husband? Many of you may discuss appropriateness of varying definitions of "party". But speaking as one who has laid awake at 2:00 in the morning wondering where my wife is, who she's with and what she's doing, I'd say "yes" on all accounts. 

For her to be out partying at these places, looking for whatever, then coming home and turning her back to me in bed (yes, I have made advances that were rebuffed. too tired), I'd say that's cheating. Taking affection away from me and giving it someone else, physical or not, is cheating. Go to the cheaters survivors section of this forum and see how many affairs were between people who never even MET in person.

But why talk to her? She will NEVER admit it, and doesn't need to. I'd never find out anyhow. She'd be a fool to fess-up to it, so what good will it do? She got away with it. Good for her.


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## arjzv

Wow. I am going thru the same thing myself. My wife suddenty feels the urge to go out with her girlfriends "dancing". Same thing. Where do you go dancing? Not the Elks club, not the Church or Temple, but the hottest night club they can afford or get to or get into. I feel the same way. If you want to go with me, its one thing, but why do you not want to go with me? Its not right and if she does not care, the she obviosuly doesn care about you (or me). I am seriosuly questioning my relations ship these daye. Am I angry, you bet I am.


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## arjzv

By the way, she went thru this a little while ago and went to a lounge with her girlfriends, had a $100 steak dinner, some drinks and dancing. Some guys did approach, but like you they told him to go away. Actually 2 guys. 

Then same week went out to diner and coffer wtih the girls, no probelm there. 

Then a week later or so another evening out with old friedns from brooklym guys and girls. I told her if her old boyfriend showed up it would hurt me terribky and she said he would not. They ended up making fun of her the while night about this. 

Then a few weeks ago her and the girls went for dinner and coffee in the city. I actually popped in on them and they were being odd having cappucinos and stuff, but dressed to kill. They doin;t dress that way for me thats for sure.

Now it is starting again. She insists on going dancing now cause she didnt do it lats time even thouh i am sick as a dog, have been under incredible stress latley from work and we don't even have money to go out ourselves much less have her spend 100 on a steak dinner for herslfe.

By the way, I did try having a date night one noght with her. We went to dinner and she was happy for a little while, but I got the feelin she was bored. I hurt my ankle and we had to call the night early. 

Still didn't help out marriage.

What do you think? I know I am angry. I feel disrespectyed and unloved too.


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## cody5

Hey arjzv. Thanks for the input. Someone earlier in this thread told me I need to clean up and take my wife out. Give her a new level of attention. Be the "new guy" so she doesn't have to lool elsewhere. My marriage manual was misplaced, so I didn't know to do it. I was still raising babies with her. I thought that's where we were. It took me by surprise. Kudo's to you for trying, though. It looks like, however, that since we failed at that, our wives then get to get cleaned up and look OUTSIDE of their marriages for excitement, not with us. I guess it's OUR fault our wives decided to cheat. I'm with you on the anger. It sucks, doesn't it?


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## Confused516

Listen, if you want to do something about it so do it. Communication is the most important thing in a relationship, you must be able to speak to your wife about anything and everything. If its bothering you then you surely should discuss your feelings, she's your wife; you mention she's your best friend, so why would she get upset (don't ASSUME she'll get upset) - talk to her!

My husband and I have been married 2 years now, and we do everything together, but I guess thats because we have mutual friends. Try to encourage your 'mutual' friend's husband to get together and do a couples thing. This way you'll kind of get an idea of how your wife and your friend behave while they are together.
This way you'll be spending some quality time with your wife and friends.

OR, to use a drastic measure, have someone go to the club your wife is going to, to check out what she's doing. 

To be honest, I would never allow my hubby or myself to go out clubbing without each other - its just too risky. Its unsafe! What if your wife gets drunk and doesn't realize what she's doing, what if someone tries to take advantage of her?! You should step up to the plate.

I'm not saying that women don't need time to hang out with each other (like going clubbing once in a blue moon with their girlfriends), but hanging out doesn't mean going clubbing... there are several way in which a woman can spend time with her friends; encourage your wife to rather have tea parties, etc. And friend get togethers.

I hope this helped!!


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## crazyanimal

If your wife is seeking male attention... you should stop and look at what you are NOT giving her. Obviously she isn't getting something at home that is causing her to want to find it somewhere else.

If she is not seeking male attention then maybe make her a deal that one weekend, you go with her, the next weekend she goes alone but limit it to two weekends a month.

Do you go out and spend time with the boys?? How often?? Have you done this in the past?? If you have then this could be part of it.


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## arjzv

Hi All, I am calmer now, but one thing I am definitely sure of is my wife is seeking something I am not giving her. She says she just needs to spend time with the girls. Earlier in our marriage she would have a fit if I spent too much time with my guy friends and in fact drove them or me away from it. We have hung out with other couples (with kids) for years. Not always the best choices, but people in our same situation. Now I feel she wants to "act single" again. I know she needs attention, but I can't do everything. I have a demanding job, she doesnt work, doesn't drive and although she does a great job with the kids and is a great cook, I do everything else. PLus I am under tremendous financil pressuse becauise she does not work, but rufused to go down in "liefstyle" Not that we live that glamousiusly, but we cant affoird the lifestyl we are living in. 

With all this pressure, yes, maybe I have no more to give. Doesnt she appreciated what I have given up and done for her? Is it never enough? 

I think that somehow she has truned into thsi instaible person. Money , sex, its just never enough. 

Yeesh, I am dpresseded again. 

Keep writing bacuse I still haven figured this out yet. 

I know paying more attention to her will help, but where am I in this equation? 

I fell like I need a vacation from all of them. Work, wife, kids, everyhting.


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## cody5

crazyanimal said:


> If your wife is seeking male attention... you should stop and look at what you are NOT giving her. Obviously she isn't getting something at home that is causing her to want to find it somewhere else.
> 
> If she is not seeking male attention then maybe make her a deal that one weekend, you go with her, the next weekend she goes alone but limit it to two weekends a month.
> 
> Do you go out and spend time with the boys?? How often?? Have you done this in the past?? If you have then this could be part of it.


Thanks for your input Crazy, and on a certain level and in hindsight it's good advice. But I'm a litle tired of the "blame the victim" mentality. As I said earlier, I thought we were in the happy family, raise the babies stage of our lives. What your advice says is...

I'm supposed to be the relationship expert/mind reader/do it all perfectly/ super-spouse. If I F-up at all, it's my bad. "Sorry honey, you are the perfect dad, bread-winer, great with the kids, but you didn't read my mind and know I need more. But instead of working it out with you, I'm going to go out bar-hopping at meet markets and find guys who WILL treat me like a lady". (Or a ***** in heat, anyhow)

I guess that makes sense. I F'ed up and didn't know what she wanted. The guys at the pick-up bars know exactly what she is looking for. Less chance for miscommunication.


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## crazyanimal

It sounds to me as though your over worked and she is wanting more and more and more. But all in all, neither of you are getting what you need in the relationship.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. Either she finds a job to continue the lifestyle she wants or you agree to cut back on some things so you don't feel so much pressure.

But I will admit, on a woman's perspective. A man feels that bring home the bacon and caring for the family is enough for a woman... it is not. Money isn't everything all the time. We want you to take time out of your busy day to show us some attention and say I love you. Women are emotional... not money driven.

At this point in time, maybe make the extra effort to say I love you or show her some attention emotionally. Once she gets more calmed down and more relaxed, talk to her about the finances... your pressures and how you feel.


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## scarletblue

Well, I'm very glad you said something to your wife. I'm sorry to hear that the conversation didn't go well though.

I am hoping that she hasn't gone out because she realized that this is hurting you and cares about your feelings. I think that time is what you need here. Spending time with your wife and having open and honest conversations should help. 

If she doesn't open up, then yes, she probably has some guilt about her behavior when she was out. That doesn't mean she had sex with someone, but flirting or something maybe. I still see that as betrayal, so that would bother me.

Even though you may never know what happened, if you decided to stick around, then you'll have to decide to forgive her. I know that sucks, but you need to do it more for you than anything else. Just so you can move on with your life.

By the way, I get dressed up when I go out to dinner with the girls. It's fun, like playing dress-up. I also get dressed up when I go out to dinner with my husband. I get satisfaction from looking nice on his arm. Also, that look he gives me when I'm all dressed up to go out with him, is one of the best things in life. No stranger or anyone else for that matter, can give me that rush, like my husband can.

It sounds to me like you and your wife just need to be on the same page in where you are in your lives. You are on the raising babies page. Now you need to find out what page your wife is on.

I'm sorry you feel like you're being portrayed like the bad guy in this situation. You're a good man and husband. You're there, you're trying. Even though you feel like you're beating your head against a brick wall and feeling unappreciated (boy haven't we all felt that way), hang in there.


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## cody5

Sorry everyone. I’ve been commanding too much space and time on this forum for my one little issue. I need to close this. 

The partying has stopped. It’s been over 7 weekends since the first (failed attempt at) communication. She hasn’t gone 7 weeks since this all started. I never told her not to go, but my feelings/concerns are now out in the open. She can’t pretend she doesn’t know any more. I think a certain amount of shame is involved as well. She’s actually a good person. And even if I don’t have the impending talk with her before the itch has her heading out the door again, I can still stop her. There’s got to be some serious talking before she goes again, and she won’t be willing to do that. 

I can only speculate as to what transpired in the 6 hours that my wife was out of my presence on each of these nights. I have no direct proof and communication was almost nonexistent. Lacking that knowledge, it is best to go with a most likely scenario. Knowing my wife, I feel 100% confident that there were no physical relationships. At worst, slow dances and minor kissing on the dance floor. That is even highly unlikely. It is unlikely she ever left one of these places with anyone, even if it were just to go to another bar. 

But emotional relationships don’t need physical contact to hurt. If I found out my wife were sneaking out of bed at 1:00 in the morning to go into internet chat rooms to flirt with strange men, that would be an emotional relationship. If she used the time she had alone while I had the kids at the park to do this, it would also be cheating. Nobody would deny it. I would say my problem has all of that PLUS the physical proximity. The chance for it to go further immediately and with zero chance of detection, as opposed to a difficult and unlikely planned physical rendezvous set up on the internet. 

If this were 15 years ago, I’d be suffering this alone. No internet help from people like you, and the term “emotional relationship” was in it’s infancy. This site and the people on it have helped me come to terms with what I have been going through, and helped me develop a plan to start healing the hurt. I need to talk with her. I need to. After 7 months of this and 2 months or so on this board getting advice, I’ve got the outline for the talk. I won’t bore you with the (hopefully not messy) results. But I need to and WILL do it. 

Cody


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## cody5

Hey Guys. Imagine if life were like this.

You're at your latest stop on your tour of the various "Club Parallel Universe" nightclubs that have been springing up. You know, the ones where social/sexual norms are reversed. It's a new one every time you go out. Adds to the excitement. It's 1:30 and the place is HOPPING! Music pulsating, lights flashing. Bodies everywewhere jammed on the packed, sweaty dance floor. It's a good night. Over 50% women. All good looking and every one wants to get laid. You and your best bud with rock star good looks are right in the middle of it. As good a looking set of prospects as any of the other "single" men. All of those drinks you've been bought all night by girls wanting a piece of your ass are doing their job. Inhibitions down. You can slice the estrogen with a knife. What a party. 

Every girl that has bought you a drink, chatted you up, flirted with you, danced with you, made passes at you, touched you sugestively, are all still here. Waiting to see if they are the lucky one to get you at the end of the night. None of them will, though. You're married and that would be cheating. But just knowing that you could walk up to ANY ONE OF THEM and at any time and just ram your toung down their throats with impunity adds to the rush. They're all kind of expecting it even. Not the smartest gender, those bimbos. 

And your wife is 5 miles away, probably in bed, but surely awake. Who could sleep knowing their husband is in an atmosphere like this? (She HAS to know even though we both pretend she doesn't). She has NO IDEA where you are right now. All you need to say is "I'm going dancing" as you rush out the door at the last minute. And she still won't even know this club EXISTS tomorroww and thereafter. Why tell her? It's your right to go out "dancing" every couple of weeks with your friend. If she presses, we went to Club Parallel Universe. We danced. No lies. She may press for more info, but you can remain as vague as the best of them. But no worries. She's given up even asking by now.

What a friggin' idiot I am.

Sorry for monopolizing tiime and space again. But I needed to vent and I don't have anyone else to talk to. I may need help. I need to move past this.


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## themrs

My husband wouldn't stand for me going out clubbing. He set that ground rule from the door. There are some things he does not find acceptable for a married women with children to go out doing and I agree. 

I am very much in the stage of life that your wife is currently in. I've been married 5 years and have two kids 3 and 2. I just recently started taking time for myself and going out with friends was very high on my to-do list. However, I seek the company of women who are in the same position as I am. My friends are married with children or expecting and when we go out it's always to the movies or dinner, but never to a location where men would be looking to hit on us. It just seems out of character for a married woman imo.


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## Racer

My wife was doing the same sorts of things. So we had a talk and came to an arrangement. She could go out every now and again; not every weekend, but every other week might be possible. I would always know where she was. She would always call to check in. Whenever possible, she’d take party pics of her and her friends having fun. She’d come home when she said she would, or at least call if it was going to be later. And we always talked about the night and shared. I was also always invited. It worked... for awhile anyway. She understood my concerns and made every effort to reassure me. Every now and again, she’d convince me to go with her. Maybe that’s the thing; she wanted to do this with me... the real issue is that I’m not comfortable like that and she could tell I wasn’t having fun. But still, she kept trying. That alone helped me with my insecurities about her going out. I also understand that she needs social stimulation and interaction with other adults and I can’t provide it.
It didn’t work out in the long run, but I don’t blame the night out’s as contributing too much to our problem.


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## cody5

Scratch that. The idiot I replied to was banned and deleted, evidently. Never mind. Thanks for all of your advice.


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