# Finding Friends



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I am in a troubled marriage. My husband and I have made a great deal of mistakes in the past. We have realized that things are a mess, and that to repair things would require a great deal of work on both our parts. I feel that we owe it to our relationship (we've been married 20 years, and together for nearly 30) and our children to try.
He's not sure. He says that to make things work, we'd have to change who we are and he thinks that is wrong. I asked him to give it six months of both of us trying. If, at the end of that time, he doesn't think it's worth it, we'll give up. If we're making progress we'll keep going.
He's asked for a few days to think it over and let me know what he wants to do.
My biggest problem, I have no one to talk to. I realized that with all the time I've spent on my family and job, I've lost touch with my friends and even my extended family.
I need some advice on finding a support system for myself. Regardless of his decision, I am going to need someone to talk to.
Any ideas on how to find and cultivate friends?


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

My suggestion is to take up an activity you enjoy that would involve joining a club. You will get to meet people who share at least one common interest and from there you can try to build friendships.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

A gym is always a nice place to get to know people. Most cities also offer art/pottery or cooking classes.

As far as your marriage, have you heard of the Love Dare? Its a christian thing, but you can ignore the christianity part of it if you choose and just do each task for 30 days (I think its 30). 

I haven't personally done it, but I have heard.wonders about it. Basically each day you do something new and nice/sweet for your spouse...winning them back in a way I suppose. You don't even need the book, you can pull it up on google for free.

Anywho, good luck!


----------



## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I recently met a new person and usually I have a hard time making friends. This person first contacted me, and I continue to make contact. We met just by both of us being ourselves...And my life has improved because of it.

I'm trying to change little behaviors one day at a time.. Instead of going home after work, I go and stop off for a beer..Strike up a conversation and then go home. Sometimes I have fun and have a good conversation, sometimes I don't. 

I like gardening as a kid and I decided to start one recently. I went to a garden supply store and spoke to a few people there and got a few bits of advice. A few visits later, I hit it off with an older guy who is a bit of a gardening guru..I speak to him once a week now and the conversations are not relegated to gardening.

I'm finding that the more I open up, the better I feel and the more people I met. You just need to find the way that works for you.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My suggestion is to take up an activity you enjoy that would involve joining a club. You will get to meet people who share at least one common interest and from there you can try to build friendships.


:iagree:


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My answer would depend on what you mean by 'support system'. 

If you're simply looking for company then the above advice will work. If you're looking for someone to hold your hand you will need to find others in the same situation like at a divorce recovery group that many churches offer. If you need someone that you can talk about your feelings I suggest places like here or counseling.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My suggestion is to take up an activity you enjoy that would involve joining a club. You will get to meet people who share at least one common interest and from there you can try to build friendships.


Best thing I ever did for myself! 









_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Smoke (Jul 17, 2012)

If you want to work on your troubled marriage, you need to focus on your husband not finding new friends.
If you need to talk, talk to your husband. It's not easy, but that is a part of marriage.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Smoke said:


> If you want to work on your troubled marriage, you need to focus on your husband not finding new friends.
> If you need to talk, talk to your husband. It's not easy, but that is a part of marriage.


I bet part of her problem is that she gave up too much of her life for her family. Part of the 180 that she needs to do involves focusing her attention elsewhere for a while.

Her husband doesn't even want to work on this. Hard to fix when you're the only one working on it.


----------



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I would prefer to focus on my husband, but talking to him right now doesn't do much. He simply keeps repeating that he doesn't know what he wants, and he doesn't think that there is any point in trying because two years or five years from now we'll be right back to where we are, because of who we are.
He's been saying this for two months now. He doesn't want to leave, but he doesn't want to try.
Yesterday I got him to commit to making a decision, so that is progress. But right now I am so stressed and scared I can barely cope. It's tough to have your future completely out of your hands. 
And not having anyone to talk to makes the whole thing much worse.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Talk here. It really does help.


----------



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

It does seem to. Even though I don't know any of you, having people interested, sympathetic, and willing to give advice is actually making what is a total nightmare somewhat less dark.
Thank you all!


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's why many of us came here to start with. Stick around and keep chatting. Lots of great people here. I've actually made some really good friends here. Some I talk to on the phone, others I email and I've got one who keeps me entertained with text messages. She sends me little happies during the day. Silly things like pictures of the shoes she bought. I just think she's great and she brightens my day.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

One thing to be cognizant of is at this point in time when you're struggling in your marriage is that members of the opposite sex who pay attention to you and say nice things may be very appealing. It can easily turn into flirting and 'warm fuzzy feelings'. That's definately not what you need as long as you're trying to work on your marriage. Many people here will attest to that.

I'm not suggesting I think that is your intent just that's it's an easy situation to fall into.

Best of luck,


----------



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Good warning.
And I've already ruled out reaching out to two exes just because I don't want to risk the temptation of that clouding the issue.


----------



## srtjm (Jul 11, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> My suggestion is to take up an activity you enjoy that would involve joining a club. You will get to meet people who share at least one common interest and from there you can try to build friendships.


 Dittos to Maritimeguy!


----------

