# DW will not let me help her orgasm, very frustrated



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

*DW will not let me help her orgasm, very frustrated...not anymore!*

I want so badly for my wife to get the same pleasure and desire that I have. Apparently it is very difficult for her to achieve an orgasm. I have been with her for 15 years and I have never given her one. She is able to have them, after a lot of work, on her own with a toy. I have asked her countless times t let us take our time with foreplay and let me go down on her or touch her. However, she will not let me do that and there is very little foreplay. Most of the time it is just a quickie.

She is very giving and will give me a BJ anytime I ask, but why can’t I do the same for her? I can’t help but believe that if I was just able to let her feel that deep physical satisfaction, that she would crave sex like I do. Also, it is quite a blow to the ego that I can’t give her this.

I have been given advice from both ends of the spectrum; from an orgasm is something that she needs to decide to have and I have very little control to I need to just be more assertive in bed and go down on her even though she has told me not to.

Help.


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## wheresthelove (Dec 21, 2008)

Do NOT over step her boundaries. Speaking from experience "going down on her even though she has told me not to" IMO is BAD advice. My husband can't or at least hasn't brought me there either. I also have a toy that I very seldomly bring out after a long time of not orgasming. I think is she is willing to allow you it's time to get out your invisible magnifying glass and inspect what makes her tick. I'm sure for all women it's different. However the common errogenous zones, I've found, work for me. Sex for us has always been rushed and not worth thinking about on my end. We've discovered that light touches work for me. Foreplay doesn't start when you close the door and turn off the light as I've read in many spots and have learned. Foreplay for a woman is an all day event from tenderly telling her she's beautiful to holding her hand. Eventually to caressing her intimate areas. Kissing passionately through out the day. Be tender and loving and that should stoke the fires and keep her embers warm until you move to the bedroom. If spontenaeity allows take advantage of it. If she isn't interested or is unwilling then you need to stop and get to the bottom of it or just give her the space she needs. My husband did things to me even when I told him no and it turned into unintentional abuse. My no's always became yes or he had the mindset that I was just being self conscious. If I just let him do it he'd make me like it. Don't do this to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Bottom line is that it is her body and she doesn't want you to go there/do that/get the tee-shirt.

Past that, you want to do it for selfish reasons, anyway. In the end, it is all about you. Giving when someone else doesn't want the gift is forcing someone to accept your way regardless of their feelings. That's wrong. It is bad for sex. It isn't loving.

Respect her feelings.

"to I need to just be more assertive in bed and go down on her even though she has told me not to."

Yeah, sexual assault is always good advice.

What idiot told you to do that? That's not assertive. Assertive is expressing your desires for yourself. It isn't forcing your desires on someone else. That's assault. I can't believe you'd even entertain the thought.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dobo,

I don't disagree with anything you wrote below. Is there some way to approach this? 

I ask because sex for me, does feel more one-sided, is less satisfying and yes - I also feel less masculine - when unable to help my partner O. 

It is not my intent to play the "no one understands me" card, it is just that for a man, to not O, means feeling frustrated and maybe even tense afterward. And we kind of figure the same is true for our partner - not knowing how it is to inhabit a female body. 

So after the rapture, I roll over to enjoy the afterglow and - well - this little voice is saying - does she feel frustrated now? I have learned to NOT ASK that question because it makes me seem dysfunctional since she has told me repeatedly that she can't always FINISH and that it is still fun playing. 






dobo said:


> Bottom line is that it is her body and she doesn't want you to go there/do that/get the tee-shirt.
> 
> Past that, you want to do it for selfish reasons, anyway. In the end, it is all about you. Giving when someone else doesn't want the gift is forcing someone to accept your way regardless of their feelings. That's wrong. It is bad for sex. It isn't loving.
> 
> ...


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

dobo said:


> Bottom line is that it is her body and she doesn't want you to go there/do that/get the tee-shirt.
> 
> Past that, you want to do it for selfish reasons, anyway. In the end, it is all about you. Giving when someone else doesn't want the gift is forcing someone to accept your way regardless of their feelings. That's wrong. It is bad for sex. It isn't loving.
> 
> ...


Oh yeah, you are soooo selfish to want to pleasure your wife. Almost a molester! Gimme a break!

Now the other side of the story. I think it is great you care enough about your wife to want this for her and if both parties always try hard to please each other the chances of success are better. My wife did not like me going down on her because she was shy and felt self-conscious about it. I sort of forced the issue (sexually assaulted her according to this post) and man is she glad I did. It took some time for her to be comfortable with it but now she cannot get enough of my mouth. I just talked to her about this post and she agrees with me wholeheartedly that she is glad I "made" her let me try.

You may think that giving her one orgasm will make her want sex more but I suspect it will always be very tough for her to get off and thus it will add some frustration to the act as she tries to make this happen. For me and most women I know, it is always easier to get off if you are relaxed and enjoying it. the more pressure, the less pleasure. I find for me really great communication about sex (over the kitchen table, not while doing it) makes both parties improve the experience. Maybe you guys can give each other some sex therapy, talking, touching, reading, watching videos, trying things that add pleasure. My ex wife had difficulty getting off but most times she really enjoyed sex, just touching and being close. That might be the best you can hope for.

Good luck, some deny it but great sex can make or break a marriage!


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for the advice folks. At this point, I could not just go for it. We have discussed it way to many times and she has told me not to do ANYTHING unless I ask first. She has specifically said that she will let me do that for her when she is ready and it may not be ever. She has effectively removed ANY and ALL spontaneity or freedom of expression from what is most important to me.

I am to the point that I may just sit down with her and have a deep discussion on the topic. I am going to express that if we are not able make time to relax and let go that I am going to pass on sex. Time to go on strike. I know she has a lot of control issues that she has to get past before she can enjoy sex to the fullest. I have been patient for 11 years, I can exercise a little more patience. I am going to wait for her to come to me when she is ready to let herself go. It is just way to emotionally defeating to continue on this path. Only she can break through those barriers on her own. We have communicated it to death at this point, it is up to her to decide what she really wants. Time will tell.


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

I'm wondering if she's like me and just used to masterbating with a toy on her own in private for all this time and having an audience might cause her some stage fright, so to speak. 

As for oral, she might be self-consious of her weight or possible odors. Or maybe she feels some of her private bits are shaped too long/short/big? 

Sometimes a man might not know exactly what to do with his mouth/tongue in that region, and maybe the woman doesn't know either because she never had it done to her right in the past. That could be an issue because she's not even sure to show the man what he should be doing and where, etc. 

After nearlly 20 years of marriage my husband never wanted to touch me (with hands, never mind oral) what so ever 'down there', and after much talking and just about _begging_ on my part, he's agreed to .....but ....with a latex glove on his hand (cripe I'll take what I can get). He won't do oral on me. We're still a work in progress. Obviously. 

Point is, like my husband an I, sounds like you two just have to work to knock down some barriers that have been put up throughout your marriage. Keep talking (gentle but firm), is my advice. 

Blaze


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks again for the advice Blaze. We had a little chat this morning. I think she is getting the picture. I also just sent her an email begging her to let me try, just once. Telling her how beautiful she is, how I can still remember the intoxicating scent and sweet taste. I told her explicitly, in detail, what I wanted to do to her. I know she gets turned on reading that sort of stuff, maybe it will help her to know that I want to do the same things to her that make her hot when she is reading it. We'll see, I will just keep talking to her until we break through the barriers.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Update! Success! She let me go down town this afternoon. We did not have a whole lot of time, the kids were noisy and I know she was not really in the mood quite yet. I knew going in that I probably would not be able to get her to O. Hoewere, it went really good. She was able relax and she said it felt good. She was comfortable enought to let me know what she liked. I actually almost had her getting close but the kids were being really loud and broke concentration. I think she really enjoyed it though and will probably do it again. After time, she may be able to relax more, I can learn more what she likes and who knows what can happen.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Congrats Hubby! A great first step!!


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Yay, congrats, Hubby! Sounds like a solid first step for you both. :smthumbup:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Mem, when you can explain to me how my husband can behave just like the women you speak of, I'll answer your question. This isn't just a woman problem or issue. He doesn't get tense and upset. I do. 

Chuck - forcing yourself on anyone is wrong. That's not about her pleasure. It is about your own. If you can't see that then you really do think with your penis.

Hubby -- good job on talking to her. Congrats.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Dobo, I need to clarify forcing myself on her (which I did not say). I do not "rape" and in fact am quite turned off by women who do not want sex with me, I need full desire from them and have never "forced" myself on a woman in my life. It's not like I tie a woman up and do whatever I want, regardless of her needs. (although some like that too!  On the other hand, I am an "alpha-male" and the women who are attracted to me seem to like this trait. Unless we are role playing, I usually take command during sex and most women love this but you have to know when to push and when not to. I talked to my wife about this post and she said, "God I am glad you "forced" me to let you go down on me, it opened new doors for me!" I mentioned before I have been around the block a few times and when it comes to pleasing a woman sexually, I know what the hell I am doing. Frankly, I have not met many women who did not like their man to take charge a bit but maybe that is the type of women who are attracted to me. Still, I truly believe MOST women like this a bit. You may not like a man in charge at all and that is certainly understandable but an important thing for you and I to both remember is that all us human beings are different and just because something is not pleasing to one person it does not mean others feel differently.


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## wheresthelove (Dec 21, 2008)

I realize I am butting in here but if a woman clearly states she wishes not to have something done to her body and then is not respected ultimately becomes violated. What hubby did was the right thing by asking and coercing his wife to give in. Whether she was comfortable or not and laying there possibly thinking she really didn't want to be doing that but that she was just doing it for him, or if she was genuinely like it and is anticipating it again, he still had her permission. Ultimately it sounds like your wife "gave into you" giving you her permission. She allowed you to. 

To hubby I hope all is well with you and your wife. I also hope the next time you want to show her what you can do for her that you pick a more appropriate time free from distractions and interruptions so it doesn't have to be rushed and forced. So she can lose herself in the pleasure of your love. My thoughts. I wish you every happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Yes, we definately need less distractions and less anxiety. This first time was just for me. I basically told her that it was something I wanted to do for me and that it would make me happy. Took the pressure off her to perform.

I think she was actually really getting into it. She told me exactly what she liked and even told me to to go back to what I was doing before when I changed it up. She even forced my head in close at one point, not like her, it was hot. I think I was getting her close but the kids were getting loud and calling for mommy so it broke the mood. 

Given more time for her to get used the idea, me improving my skills and figureing out what she likes... as well as the kids in their beds asleep, we have potential. 

I sent her a little note the other day giving her a standing offer that anytime she is feeling frisky she could call me to duty, anytime, anywhere (even if I am sleeping). No need for her to reciprocate or for it to go anywhere else. And if I could not finish her, I would be happy to let her go off by herself with her toys so she could get her release after she was done with me.


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