# irresponsable husband



## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I think I mentioned this in another part of the forum, but I will 
tell the story again here.
My husband lost his job 4 years ago, and hasn't found anything permanant. He does work for company that does security for events, but that is only once in a while. Im left with paying the bills, or should I say trying to pay the bills.
My husband gets his retirement pay from the National Guard, but doesn't use that to help at all.
The only time I have demanded anything from him, is when the Public Utilities threatened to shut off our water(again) I told him
"you ARE going to help pay this bill so help me. We are NOT going to go a month without water again!" And he did.
I got so frustrated and upset the other night because he got his paycheck from the company he works for. I asked him if he had deposited it in the checking account yet? He said no, I already cashed it. I know for a fact that he hides money from me, because I know were he hides it. In his sock drawer(figures)
I was going to have him put the money in the checking account, but decided that instead, we would use it for the grocery store untill our food stamp card has money put on it.(Not till the 3rd of December) He kept $100 for himself, and gave me $76. He said he cashed it because he was going to buy clothes with it.(yeah right)
I told him that he has left me (I guess I should have said us) financialy stranded. That I didn't know what the hell he was thinking, and that there was something wrong with him.
He said that there was nothing wrong with him, but there was something wrong with me.
I also pointed out that even though its the holiday season, my hours have been cut to show him I needed help desperatly.
Nothing seems to be getting trough to him. Im desperate!
Sorry this post is so long


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So he gets paid, but doesn't help out and isn't working. Wow. Then he cashes his money doesn't does not give it to the household or account for where it is? Wow again.

I'd kick him out or move out. You're already doing it alone.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

File for divorce. It either wakes him up or you get rid of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

*Re: irresponsible husband*

Thank you so much for your responses. As an added remark,
my mother has been helping us to pay our morgage. If it wasn't
for my mom, we would have lost the house a long time ago.
My husband turned 61, so I know its hard for people his age to
find jobs. Believe me, Im not making excuses for him. 
I have been having thoughts about kicking him to the curb. In sheer desperation I have even thought of having one of his older 
brothers talk to him. He respects what his brother has to tell him, so maybe he could be an influence, though I hate dragging his family into our problems.
We would probably end up having to sell the house because we just can't afford to keep it, even with my moms help.
I would probably end up being the "bad guy" in his families eyes if we did divorce. But then again, why would I give a dam
Oh yeah, by the way, next year he will get his retirement pay from his union.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You need to file for divorce-NOW. The courts can require that he help support. So what if you sell the house. If he doesn't help his family aren't you in danger of losing the house eventually. If his family thinks you are the "bad guy" why do you care. Do they support the way this man is treating his family? You have been on your own, make it official. Then he can answer to the courts. And I'm sorry this is coming up at the holidays, it must be heartbreaking. You have my deepest sympathy.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Do you have animals by any chance?


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

My husband told me today that he didn't get the job with UPS. We were counting on him getting seasonal work with UPS as a drivers helper. This would have been his 4th season with them, but when he called, he was told that the jobs had already had been filled, and that the reason he wasn't hired this year was because he has a "black mark" on his file. This was news to him.
For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why. He has had the same driver for the last two seasons, and had a good repoire with her. He said no one took him into the office to have a talk with him. And no diciplinary problems, or write ups.
Now we will have no money comming in this holiday. I cried on the way to the grocery store. 
I don't mean to get touchy, but why do you need to know if we have pets? Are you going to tell me to get rid of them? Lets not even go there. Its not their fault that there daddy is a butthead.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

bab1957 said:


> My husband told me today that he didn't get the job with UPS. We were counting on him getting seasonal work with UPS as a drivers helper. This would have been his 4th season with them, but when he called, he was told that the jobs had already had been filled, and that the reason he wasn't hired this year was because he has a "black mark" on his file. This was news to him. I am very sorry to hear about this.
> For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why. He has had the same driver for the last two seasons, and had a good repoire with her. He said no one took him into the office to have a talk with him. And no diciplinary problems, or write ups.That doesn't make any sense. :scratchhead:
> Now we will have no money comming in this holiday. I cried on the way to the grocery store. *hug*I wept when I was planning my crappy wedding. We could only afford an elopement.
> 
> ...


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Sorry, I didn't mean to jump on you. Im stressed enough as it is without the thought of having to give away my pets. I've had other people tell me that I should "get rid of them". Not give them away, "get rid of them" like they are trash. Something thats disposible. Like enough animals are already treated that way. It was a knee jerk response, Im sorry.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Since you were kind enough to apologize, I forgive you.

Those who are not animal lovers, do not realize that pets become like your children.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

(Note, this day & age, a black mark can be anything from punching in 10 mins late... , or calling in sick- even once, or all the way up to insubordinate conduct..)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bab1957 said:


> Sorry, I didn't mean to jump on you. Im stressed enough as it is without the thought of having to give away my pets. I've had other people tell me that I should "get rid of them". Not give them away, "get rid of them" like they are trash. Something thats disposible. Like enough animals are already treated that way. It was a knee jerk response, Im sorry.


Some towns have food banks for pets. People donate pet food and items. And those in need can go pick up food, etc. YOu might want to look for one in your area. One good way to find one is to go to the pet section on Craigslist and ask there if anyone knows of a charity that does this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bab, you have two reasonable choices here:

1) tell your husband that he puts ALL of his income into an account/pot/whatever with yours. Then all bills are paid. Then whatever is left over can be saved or spent as you jointly decide. 

2) you want a divorce.

Let him decide which he wants to do. Give him the choice.

By the way, depending on how long the two of you have been married, you might be entitled to a percentage of his retirement pay. He might have a lot to lose acting out as he is.

What he is doing is abusive of you.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Plus you'd get the added social security.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

We have been married for 25 years. 
I have thought of something else. I don't know if it would be 
doable. My husband will turn 62 next year, which means he would be eligable to look into a reverse morgage. If he were able to get one.(Im not because Im only 54) we could get the money we put into the house. 
He could keep the house, I don't want to be here anymore, I would take a portion and move out and get my own place. He could use his to live off of, and to fix up the house. It needs it.
On his 62nd birthday, he is also eligible for his union benifits.
So not only could he get his social security, he gets his National Guard retirement, and his union benifits too. Oh yeah, he has an IRA too. So he wouldn't be bad off. I would be just glad to get out of here.
Thats if things don't work out. I know it probably sounds like a crazy idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have retirement of your own?

It sounds like his mix of retirement income could be pretty good. Do keep in mind that during a divorce you would be entitled to a percentage of that. YOu could also choose between his SS and yours.. whichever paid more.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Oh yeah, by the way, next year he will get his retirement pay from his union.*
I suppose that means an improvement in your situation. I would wait till then to see what happens.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

He isn't helping out as it is, right now when its needed most when he can do it. I have serious doubts that having his union retirement income will change his attitude.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bab1957 said:


> He isn't helping out as it is, right now when its needed most when he can do it. I have serious doubts that having his union retirement income will change his attitude.


The union retirement income will probably make his attitude worse.

What are your plans now?


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I'll take it as a wait and see. Even if he did get a job tomarrow, it wouldn't change the way I feel. As far as Im concerned, it would be too little too late.
And that doesn't mean I won't consider divorce. 
But right now, I don't make enough to be on my own. The same with him. Im only 54 years old, and I can't see living the rest of my life with this old fart.
Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I'll let you know how things turn out. xoxoxox


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Found out about why my husband didn't get hired at UPS this year.
Apparently, he slowed down the driver. The person he talked to looked into it. They have these electronic devices that keep track of the drivers and there movements. How many stops they make, etc etc. And according to these devices, my husband slowed the driver down.
The HR person said she was surprised that he was hired last year.
His driver never once told him that he needed to pick up the pace.
He thought he was doing pretty good. No one spoke to him about any problems, not even his driver.
So, HR said that he would never again be hired at UPS. My husband really liked that job too.:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

UPS can be like that. It's pretty bad management style to not give people feedback. But they can always find someone else, especially in this economy.

Have you tried again drawing the line with your husband putting his money towards paying the bills?

How is it that you pay all the bills but you don't make enough to support yourself on your own?


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

When it comes to bills, I pick and choose on which ones to pay and ones that I'll have to put off. Not all the bills get payed. Sometimes I'll have to skip a month(or 2) on certain bills just because I can't pay them. 
I tried putting my foot down, and he still insists he doesn't have the money to pitch in for bills.
In all fairness this past summer we got a used truck. We haven't had a vehicle for two years. He pays for the insurance and makes the payment on it. So In a way, he does contribute. I think he figures thats his contribution to the household, which I do appreciate, because we did need a vehicle.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

I finally had it today. But its not what your thinking. Not only are we having finacial difficulty, but our house is a mess!
We have "stuff" Things we need to get rid of but my husband refuses to or when we have the money to make a run to the dump. To me all excuses.
Why don't I do it myself? He gets reall upset when I try to straighten up the house. Get rid of magazines, and all the crap on the coffee table. We can't use the coffee table because of all the crap.
You should see out basement!!
I got so mad, and I mean steam comming out of my ears mad. I said, it might as well be just your house because I don't seem to have any say over how the house looks. I WANT A NICE NEET HOUSE! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO BE COMFORTABLE!! I WANT THIS CRAP OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!
Thats another reason I want to leave. I don't want to live in clutter. Our back yard is an absolute mess too 
Its not like we have stuff floor to ceiling. He isn't that kind of hoarder, but he just can't get rid of things.
I feel better when I can talk to you guys. It really helps


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bab1957 said:


> I finally had it today. But its not what your thinking. Not only are we having finacial difficulty, but our house is a mess!
> We have "stuff" Things we need to get rid of but my husband refuses to or when we have the money to make a run to the dump. To me all excuses.
> Why don't I do it myself? He gets reall upset when I try to straighten up the house. Get rid of magazines, and all the crap on the coffee table. We can't use the coffee table because of all the crap.
> You should see out basement!!
> ...


So start throwing out the junk. If he won't do it, you do it.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Thought I would post an update to whats going on. Well, we got the notice. Let me back it up 10 years. When we re financed our home, it came with the stipulation that we pay the insurance on the house and the property tax. 
Paying the insurance on the house has been no big deal. But because my husband has been out of work for the past four years we have been struggling not only with paying the mortgage and bills, but the property tax. We haven't been able to pay it, and yesterday we got the notice that if we don't pay this years, then it will come due. All of the past taxes will be due in full. If not our home will be forclosed on due to not paying the property taxes. 
Think Im stressed already? This is worse.
There are no programs for us. The county wants its money. You have to be elderly or disabled for some kind of exemption. 
Worst of all, my husband thinks I still love him. I really don't know what to do about that. I love you doesn't have the same meaning for me as it does him. I guess I haven't brought it up because I don't want to hurt him. What a [email protected]#ing mess!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I understand your frustration, but you have so much disrespect for your husband and an attitude of bossing him around that I'm not at all surprised that he sabotages you. The guy probably doesn't know how else to deal with your anger at him. If he stands up to you, you'll yell at him some more and then throw him out.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

Ok MSP, even tho I think you're a troll, Im going to answer you anyway. Here's the thing. My husband hasn't taken finacial responsibilty for this household. My hours have been drastically cut. We will lose our home and be out on the street literally, no were to go with all our pets.(3 birds, 2 box turtles, and 2 cats)
And you don't think I should be upset? You think Im being a bully to my husband as per the cartoon depicts?.
You are right. I have lost respect for my husband. Its because of his selfishness, we are in this situation. So you can go pound sand.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I never said that your situation doesn't suck or that you shouldn't be upset. But being critical is not going to help anything. 

But I do apologize for the cartoon. Bad day.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

We are behind in our mortgage, and we are a month away from being forclosed on due to the property tax being waaaay behind.
My husband refuses to sell the house and get out from under our financial burden. We wouldn't get much because 1) the condition of the house, 2) paying the back property tax and mortgage.
I told him I didn't care, that we should get out while we can. While we at least could get something for it. But he refuses to listen.
Now he has decided to cash in his IRA to save our home. I told him it wasn't a good idea. That he shouldn't touch it. He is 60 years old and has at least a couple more years before he can without penalty.
A part of me says NO! don't do it. But another part of me says, its about [email protected]# time you took some financial responsibility for this household, and not leave it all on me for almost 5 years. DO IT!
What do you think? Am I being unreasonable to let him take his money out? He is going to anyway with or without my input.


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## itgetsbetter (Mar 1, 2012)

Why on Earth your husband thinks it is an option whether he decides to contribute his income to your household budget is baffling 

He is the man of the house and should be doing everything he can to help his family financially succeed...if not leading this area, at least helping.

He sounds happy to let you worry and fret and work so he can sit back, do little, and buy stuff with his mad money.

A 62 year old child.

It's one thing if he can't find a job despite concerted and sincere efforts, but he should then do other things to contribute to the family (cleaning!) and give what $$$ he can to the till. 

Sheesh. I'd have kicked his butt out a long time ago.

OP, you say he's going to take the IRA money out no matter what you think. You've advised him against it, but he'll do what he pleases...seems to be his MO. It is his problem if his retirement is jeopardized because he wouldn't listen to you.

I am not a financial advisor, but I'd let the house go. I'm not a marriage counselor, but I'd then let the hubby go. I'm not a real estate agent, but then I'd go get a little inexpensive studio in a decent area of town, and I'd move on with my life. This is my unprofessional advice. 

Then, while you're busy being happy in a modest but safe and clean home, your hubby can learn what you've been going through by yourself the last several years...struggling, without help, to get by every month.

Best wishes to you!!


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

I think itgetsbetter is so right (and that troll is ridiculous--respect is earned, duh).

His attitude is the worst of the matter. Again, if he was really trying to get work and help out, that would be different, but he seems to have given up on financial security and will take you down with him if he can.

Rent a one bedroom apartment somewhere. Cut all unneccessary costs (except internet, you need the support!).


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

He wont take the money to the grave so might as well use it, and budget together, he must help you out.


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## bab1957 (Aug 10, 2011)

My mom will no longer be able to help us with our mortgage. She is in financial straights now because of us. I didn't want it to come to this because of us. My mom is 89 years old and deserves to have financial security this time in her life.
She wants to have a talk with my H. Its not going to be a good one I can tell you that.
He told me he wasn't going to take any more out of his IRA, and if anyone was going to it should be me this time. I have a 401K from my previous job, and Im vested with their pension program. Yeah, I got the boot March 19th. Now both of us are out of work.
So, he expects ME to sacrifice my retirement now because of HIM not working.
Wish I could leave, but I don't have any money. Wish I could boot him out of the house, but he isn't going to leave. 
I really really thank you all for listening to my miserable life. I want your to know I appreciate it sooo much.


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