# Should I even bother to respond?



## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

So I got a text from my XH today...

"WomanIleftyoufor asked for a divorce last year and we have been separated since March. Karma is a ***** and I guess I am getting what I deserve."

looking for pity, much?

I was already aware of this through my kids, but was really surprised that he reached out. It's been 12 years or so and I have remarried. He is such a narc....they never go away.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

No.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> No.


This.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

No way.
He wants attention because he is feeling sorry for himself....typical Narcissistic behaviour ....don’t bite


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ignore him completely.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

There was a time when I would have given my right arm to get that text, now I am just annoyed by it. I thought I was past being surprised by his self-centeredness, but I guess not.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

wringo123 said:


> I thought I was past being surprised by his self-centeredness, but I guess not.


Amazing, isn't it ? That he actually thought you would give a ****. Some people's entire world exists in a 24-inch diameter sphere about their own head.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

wringo123 said:


> I was already aware of this through *my kids*, but was really surprised that he reached out. It's been 12 years or so and I have remarried. He is such a narc....they never go away.


Are they also his? Are you coparenting? Could you just block him?


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Definitely don't respond. It could be a drunk text too. 

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Man, ya'all here stink. I would respond, bring your monkeys and have some fun yanking on the loser's chain


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

EllisRedding said:


> Man, ya'all here stink. I would respond, bring your monkeys and have some fun yanking on the loser's chain


:rofl::rofl:


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> :rofl::rofl:


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

@Slartibartfast...he left me for her 12 years ago. They are currently separated.
@CharlieParker...our kids are grown. Up until now he has only maintained the most minimal of relationships with them, especially my boys.

It doesn't seem right to just ignore him, but I don't know how to respond without sounding either sympathetic (which I'm not) or vengeful (which I'm not). I don't really care one way or the other, but I want him to know I see through his pathetic attempt at sympathy and he is not getting any from me without being ugly about it.

I was thinking something like "Your relationship with womanyouleftmefor is none of my business, and I prefer to keep it that way."


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Don't respond, it would just be another five seconds of your life wasted on the guy.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Send him a violin emoticon.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

wringo123 said:


> So I got a text from my XH today...
> 
> 
> 
> ...




"Nice to know the universe isn't such a a$$hole after all " - Would be my response 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ignore!


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Why does he have your number?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I firmly believe that sometimes, silence is the best response, yet it screams from the rooftops that you just can't give two ****s. All by saying nothing.

Don't respond.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> I want him to know I see through his pathetic attempt at sympathy and he is not getting any from me without being ugly about it.


Ignoring it and not responding will give him exactly that message.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Why does he have your number?


Kids are grown but there is still the occasional issue that comes up. I've had the same number for 10 years and sure I gave it to him for some reason at some point.

The more I think about it there really is no appropriate response. No matter what I say he will just interpret it to mean whatever he needs it to mean to suit his purpose.

I had forgotten that's how he operates ...

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

If he has the full blown "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", (meeting at least 5 of the 9 characteristics in the DSM IV used to diagnose and treat), this behavior of his is called "hoovering". Like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, they try to suck you back in so they can suck the life out of you some more and feed off you. They are like vampires who must feed off others to support their fragile egos. His XW was his "Narcissistic Supply" to his fragile ego, just like you were at one time, and now that she is gone and no longer available to him, he tries to recycle old sources, such as you. Quite typical and predictable.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

"I'm sorry, I would have gotten back to you yesterday, but I had a mouth full of my husband's **** and didn't see the text. Sorry, bruh, life is hard. Ha, see what I did there?"


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

WildMustang said:


> If he has the full blown "Narcissistic Personality Disorder", (meeting at least 5 of the 9 characteristics in the DSM IV used to diagnose and treat), this behavior of his is called "hoovering". Like a Hoover vacuum cleaner, they try to suck you back in so they can suck the life out of you some more and feed off you. They are like vampires who must feed off others to support their fragile egos. His XW was his "Narcissistic Supply" to his fragile ego, just like you were at one time, and now that she is gone and no longer available to him, he tries to recycle old sources, such as you. Quite typical and predictable.


Yes I felt that was what was going on. He's contacted me out of the blue twice now this past month. The first time he was asking about our daughter who is having a particularly difficult time right now. I explained what was going on and told him I was trying to get her into therapy and his response was he was glad she did not live with him because it "would not be a good environment for me right now". 

At the time I thought he was just being his typical self centered clue less self but see now he was fishing for me to respond and ask what's wrong.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband is also this sort. Trust me when I say that nothing you say in reply to him will matter. _That _you reply to him, at all, is what he's looking for. He needs to believe he can still engage your attention, even if it's negative attention. He needs to know he has the power to either generate sympathy or ruffle your feathers, and either is fine with him. He just wants to know he can control your feelings and get you to respond to him in some way. 

Unless it's directly about the children, just don't respond. At all. Ever. Particularly if he escalates. If you can remain silent, he'll eventually move along to some other source.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The return message:

thewomenyouleft.

isnotathome nolongerexists.

whenyouleft.

Ilefttoo rightlyso.

Scriptio Continua, {it does continue, ad infinitum}

youandiarefinito

forverandaday


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You have gone on living your life, just as he should have!

No response needed!*


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

wringo123 said:


> Kids are grown but there is still the occasional issue that comes up. I've had the same number for 10 years and sure I gave it to him for some reason at some point.
> 
> The more I think about it there really is no appropriate response. No matter what I say he will just interpret it to mean whatever he needs it to mean to suit his purpose.
> 
> ...


It might also be beneficial to at least explore why you feel any need at all to respond. A little introspection.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wringo123 said:


> Yes I felt that was what was going on. He's contacted me out of the blue twice now this past month. The first time he was asking about our daughter who is having a particularly difficult time right now. I explained what was going on and told him I was trying to get her into therapy and his response was he was glad she did not live with him because it "would not be a good environment for me right now".
> 
> At the time I thought he was just being his typical self centered clue less self but see now he was fishing for me to respond and ask what's wrong.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk



Yes he wanted a response and still does. That's why he asked about her when he could easily have asked her himself. The strongest message you can send him is not to send him one. 
That says it all. 
If your children are adults there is no need to have any communication unless for example you are both invited to their weddings in the future. My husband was divorced by his wife when their boys were aged 18 and 21. Not once have they have any contact since then. Nor have I with my ex for about 16 years.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Respond back "well that's a surprise a woman who is willing to break up a family goes on to divorce you"

"my H does not want me communicating with you any more do not contact me in any way, send all correspondence to my H and he will decide the appropriateness"

Tamat


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Yes he wanted a response and still does. That's why he asked about her when he could easily have asked her himself. The strongest message you can send him is not to send him one.
> That says it all.
> If your children are adults there is no need to have any communication unless for example you are both invited to their weddings in the future. My husband was divorced by his wife when their boys were aged 18 and 21. Not once have they have any contact since then. Nor have I with my ex for about 16 years.


Even when the kids were younger there wasn't much point in communicating. He was useless and contributed nothing of substance as a parent after he left. We spoken on the phone once when my mom died and have texted or emailed maybe dozen times over the past 12 years and most of that was the first few years when the kids were still at home. So it is very telling he reaches out now.

When I told my current husband the first thing he said is next he will all of a sudden want a relationship with the kids again. My boys have both pretty much figured him out, but I can very easily see my daughter getting sucked in.

Glad I sought support and advice here. It has been so long since I have been on the front lines,guess I went soft 

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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Crickets should be all he ever hears from you again. Don't give him the satisfaction of a response at all.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

wringo123 said:


> There was a time when I would have given my right arm to get that text, now I am just annoyed by it. I thought I was past being surprised by his self-centeredness, but I guess not.


Thank God for time and healing.

No response is the best response.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Your silence is the best you can give him...


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Well I didn't bite so he has upped the ante and is now terribly concerned about my daughter. 3 texts in two days. He is so out of touch he asked if I had spoken to her lately and didn't even know she has been living with us for the past 2 months. He asked if there was anything he could do to help and I finally responded and told him to call her and ask what she needs but she's had some medical expenses he could offer to help her with. Hopefully the possibility of having to spend money will send him back into his hole.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wringo123 said:


> Well I didn't bite so he has upped the ante and is now terribly concerned about my daughter. 3 texts in two days. He is so out of touch he asked if I had spoken to her lately and didn't even know she has been living with us for the past 2 months. He asked if there was anything he could do to help and I finally responded and told him to call her and ask what she needs but she's had some medical expenses he could offer to help her with. Hopefully the possibility of having to spend money will send him back into his hole.
> 
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I don't think you should have responded to be honest. I think he is looking to get back into your lives now he has been abandoned. He can always contact her if he REALLY wants to know. He doesn't need to go through you, she is an adult. 
Don't give him the satisfaction of responding in any way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

'Let me get my tissue box,.....as I am ROTFL"


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