# Help. He's mad at me. Long-but please read.



## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Hello, there. It has been a couple of years since I visited the forum. My husband believes it is deceitful of me to do so. He claims that I spin everything in my favor so that, of course, you will all feel so terrible for me. While I am aware that my own feelings will be more prevalent in what I write, I do always try to give both sides of the argument.

Despite all of the issues in my marriage... money, sex, being a step-parent and not having any children of my own... the reason I am coming here today is specific to one incident.

You see, a very good friend of mine came into town this past week and I really wanted to spend some time with her. She tried to get my husband and I to go to dinner with her, but he refused. So, I make plans to meet her at the local tiki Bar for lunch and drinks as we enjoyed the music of a really great local band. I could tell by his demeanor that my husband did not want me to go, but would not come right out and say it. He never wants me to go anywhere. He even conveniently forgot that I have made plans with my friend as he tried to get me to commit to other plans with him. All of a sudden he wanted to take me to the movies (rare) on the same day that I was to spend time with my friend. I reminded him that I was going with my friend. Of course, he did not try to make plans to go to a movie another day.

Moving along. Just before I walked out the door on Sunday to meet up with my girlfriend, my husband had the nerve to tell me to act appropriately. I was stunned. I know that none of you know me personally, but I never misbehave. I am like a little-miss-goodie-two-shoes. I told him that I could not believe he felt the need to say such a thing to me. He then told me that he was more worried about my girlfriend. Well, I have been out with her several times over the years and never did I have any problems. So, I told my husband that I loved him, gave him a kiss and went on my merry way.

The day was great. I had a blast catching up with my girlfriend, as we frequently laughed at and joked about the other patrons of the tiki bar. You know, those that look ridiculous in spandex or have two left feet. Anyway, all was good except I am a lightweight. I do not drink much at all and somehow I lost track and would up having four drinks throughout the afternoon. I felt fine until it was time to leave. My girlfriend told me that she was going to use the restroom before we hit the road home and immediately after she left the table I folded my arms on the table and put my head in my hands. I was so tired and it was all downhill from there. She helped me to her car and drove me back to the house where she was staying since my truck was parked there. As soon as I got to her house I began heaving. I was all out s***-faced. 

Keep in mind that I am 34 years old, have been with my husband for over 14 years, never do this and have not been drunk since I was 16 years old. My husband on the other hand, while only on a rare occasion do we go out, gets s***-faced every time we do. Before I met him, he got so drunk that he flipped his truck driving home. He had a wife and two children at home at the time. He was lucky to have only would up with a totaled truck, a busted up ear and a broken leg. He has come home in the past after going to a bachelor party and told me that the stripper had the prettiest p***y he had ever seen. He has gone out with me and begun taking off his clothes as he competed with a woman to see who had a better chest. We played Texas Hold ‘Em with his employees one night where he wound up getting super-trashed and causing a horrible scene in his friend’s front yard as he refused to give up his keys and insulted me publicly as he call me a ***** and a ***** and told everyone else there that he wore the motherf****** pants in the relationship. It was so bad that his friends told me that I had to give up and let him drive drunk. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make. I felt so guilty but he was becoming physically combative as he began shoving me. I cried as I chased him all the way home. He sped like a bat outta he**, and ran stop signs around the right side of the signs to try to lose me. As soon as we got home I knew things were going to get worse, so I ran in the house and locked myself in the bathroom to try to get away from him. He just busted through the bathroom door and I wound up injured. He is the one who is unable to conduct himself in a decent manner when drinking.

Back to Sunday evening. My girlfriend tried to take care of me after she got me back to her place. She got me a puke bucket, washcloth, water and held my hair back as I got sick. She kept me there until my husband called my cell phone at 9:30 p.m. at which time my girlfriend drove me home as they had arranged for her to bring him back to pick up my truck. When we arrived at the house he callously and sternly instructed me put my shoes on, then to get up and get out of the car. I went straight to the bedroom and went to sleep. He slept on the couch.

The next morning, my husband walked in the bathroom as I was purging everything out of my stomach, and coldly said “I have to take a shower.” I just replied “Can you give me a minute?” After he left for work I took a bath, put my make-up on while laying down in bed, then sluggishly drove myself to work. I made sure that I looked bright and alert, so nobody would suspect that I was hungover. With the exception of a queasy stomach, I really was fine. I did not even have a headache. When I got out of work I called my husband to let him know I was on my way home as I always do, but he spoke with a sharp and angry tongue as he told me that he was very disappointed in me. I asked why he was disappointed in me and he proceeded to tell me that I had done exactly what he asked me not to do and that I acted inappropriately. I told him that I behaved very appropriately. No one flirted with me… I flirted with no one. I danced to two songs with my girlfriend. She and I kept to ourselves the entire time. I told him that I simply had too much to drink and did not feel it sneaking up on me. He responded angrily by saying “You don’t think being sprawled all out over a table is inappropriate?!?!?” I told him that I did no such thing and that I simply folded my arms on the table and put my head in my hands. I very adamantly reiterated that I did not act inappropriately and asked how he could dare have the nerve to call me out and chastise me for having too much to drink one time, when I have carted him home and cleaned him up several times. I told him that I could not believe that the one time I had too much I could not count on him to help me feel better. I mean, it would have been nice to have my husband hold my hair back and tell me that everything will be alright. He just hung up on me. I tried to call him back, but he just hung up on me a second time. 

When I got home, I washed all of the bed linens and cleaned up the house. When I was done with the housework, I asked my husband if he wanted me to make him some dinner. He replied in a derogatory, I-can’t-believe-you’re-asking-me-such-a-stupid-question manner “Uh… Yes.” I told him I was only asking because when he gets mad me he tends to allow me to work hard on making a home-cooked meal only to tell me that he is not hungry. He then said that he was never mad for having too much to drink. He said that it was my reaction on the phone when I called him to tell him that I was on my way home from work. He was lying. He knew that he had no argument and was now reaching for some reason to validate his being angry so that he was not viewed as a hypocrite. This did not work. He then got even more made at me and told me not to make him anything to eat. He got up and got dressed. He even did his hair and put on cologne. I figured he was going to go out and get pi**-a** drunk. So when he refused to tell me where he was going, I simply asked him not to dishonor or disrespect me as I did not dishonor or disrespect him. He then told me that I was a pathetic human being and stormed out. He was back in about 45 minutes after having gone to Burger King. He thinks I am stupid, but I know he purposefully made me think he was going OUT-out. It was a little mind game he was playing. He is very good at that. He slept on the couch again last night. 

We are still not speaking today, and I am hurt and angry. I am so hurt that I just cannot for the life of me understand how if someone loves you, they can treat you in such a heartless manner. I am so angry that I want to tell him that I will not be cooking him dinner tonight either. The trouble is I don’t want to throw more fuel on the fire, but also feel this fire needs to burn. I am not appreciated or respected and do not want to give in. If I give in, then he will consider himself right and I will have to accept his story that I acted inappropriately. He is trying to break me and wants me to beg him for forgiveness, but I have not done anything that would warrant the need for forgiveness. 

Please, tell me what you think.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I was really hoping to get some feedback from someone before I left the office today. I am getting the silent treatment at home right now and doing my best to stand my ground and pretend it does not bother me. Someone mentioned getting out of the house might help to reduce the affects of his silent treatment. Maybe I will go and visit my mother. This really hurts. My husband is treating me as though I acted like some loose wh*** when I was out with my girlfriend. I am not some sleezy girl and he knows that. Why would he accuse me of acting inappropriately and make up/exaggerate the things that I did, such as when I put my head down on the table?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Because he's an abuser.

He has to justify his right to punish you. I'm guessing that you literally could not have "acted appropriately" going out with your friend. If it wasn't for the extra c0cktails, it would have been the dancing, who you looked at, who you did or didn't talk to, when you came home, whether you'd eaten already or not when you got home....SOMETHING.

By doing something independently, he felt his power and control over you threatened. He now has to 'bring you back in line" to assert his dominance.

All part of the circle.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm guessing your husband is acting like that because he's an abusive, controlling @ss, but that's just based on what you've posted... Other than that, I've got nothing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

It's called projecting. He is assuming you behave the same way he does when he's out with the guys. 

Classic case. I've witnessed my father, brothers, brothers in law and husband do this.

Do not back down. Never apologize. Stand your ground and be firm. Call him on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

WaitForIt,

This is exactly what I am trying to do. I am hoping that I can get him to stop by realizing that he cannot convince me that I have anything to apologize for. I am just so sick of apologizing for things I have not done. I had good, clean fun on Sunday. And, I already paid the price as I hugged the porcelain god through the next morning.

Thanks, you guys. I guess I just needed a little reassurance. I hope the silent treatment ends soon. I will let you all know what tomorrow brings.

I can promise you this though, it will definitely be at least another 18 years before I drink like that again.


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## jay1365 (May 22, 2013)

I don't suppose your husband lost a parent at an early age or was adopted? I'm sure he loves you but it seems as though there is a wounded child inside of him. I know because I have exhibited some of the same behaviors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Like others have said he just sounds like an abusive guy. Not just from the way he behaves but how you interact with him.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You need to let him know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he will lose you if he doesn't straighten out. BEYOND ANY DOUBT. No empty threats. No apologies. no cowering. A very strong "I'm not going to take this or I walk" will suffice. But he HAS TO KNOW you are serious. Otherwise, it's just another empty threat.

You need to scare the **** out of him. There's a new 1008 in town, and the crisis is for HIM.

Get Mad. Get mean. Don't wobble. If you want to stay with him, it will be hard. There is no easy way to change an abuser. This "kick in the gut", as I call it, worked for me, but unfortunately my wife was already gone. I'm a new man, but my marriage is over. It doesn't have to be for you. Abusers CAN change, contrary to popular wisdom. They just need to see what their behavior cost them. It cost me my wife, my family. My life. But I'm a better person now.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If you don't have any kids with this man, divorce his ass. I see no reason to be in a relationship like this.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

No, Jasel. He did not lose a parent at an early age. Although, his father was a trucker and never really around.

MrK,

I already left him once. We were separated for 10 months. I was very hesitant to return, but he had convinced me to have faith in him. He had gone to counseling on his own for the last 8 months of our separation, despite my telling him it would make no difference. I returned home three years ago. The first couple of months were great, but some regression has taken place on his part. While I try desperately try to always stand my ground, it always reaches a point where my heart cannot take any more of the insults, twisting of words, or silent treatment.

My husband is still not speaking to me today. Today it really hurts. I am fighting back tears at work, as I try not to focus on my personal issues. 

When he cuddled up on the couch last night, I walked up and asked him if he would be sleeping on the couch again. He said "Yes." I then told him that he needed to know that he has been treating me inappropriately and that I do not appreciate it, and reiterated that I had not done anything wrong. I told him that he will not be able to convince me that I had. He just replied by saying "I am sure that is what you believe as always. And, I'm sure you won't." I slept alone again.

I feel like gathering a change of clothes and telling him that I will be staying with my mother until he is done mistreating me. But, I know how that will play out. He will accuse me of telling everyone our business and leaving as usual. I just don't know how much more I can take. My heart is in so much pain, as I just keep hearing "You're a pathetic human being." and "You acted inappropriately as a married woman."

He will stand his ground until I give in. I just cannot agree with this. What he is accusing me of is not true at all. Agreeing to this taints my reputation as a decent human being, a woman and a wife. And he will use the new label I have accepted against me in the future to make comments and suggest that this is the way I always act and am a bad wife. 

I was trying to look at all of this as being trivial and comical at first in order to get myself through it, but the comedy has worn off and the drama has really begun to set in. IT HURTS SO MUCH!


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Oh, I did tell him last night, very calmly and matter-of-factly I might add, that he was a hypocrite. He angrily responded "Oh, I am a hypocrite? I think you need to look up the definition of a hypocrite in the dictionary." I said that I was very aware of what the definition of a hypocrite was and that he should head his own advice. These were the last words exchanged between us.


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Well, I agree with those that tell you your husband is abusive. You say you did nothing wrong - really all you did was make a mistake and drink yourself sick. (Been there done that.) 

What if you tell him you know you made a mistake to drink yourself sick, but will NOT take abusive language or treatment from him for making a mistake?

Silent treatment and punishing someone for making a mistake is never acceptable and he should have learned better in counseling. DON'T stand for that behavior. Don't let it ruin your day! You're a good person to have given him another chance. Now he needs to show you he deserves that chance.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

That I have admitted to. I have told him the only mistake I made was drinking too much. I said that right before he told me that I was sprawled out all over a table (false). Last night he tried to tell me that staggering out of a bar was acting inappropriately as a married woman. I did not stagger out of a bar. I did not feel the full affects of being intoxicated until after I left the tiki bar. He even asked me if I felt it was appropriate to be so intoxicated that I let another drunk person drive me home. Again, I was still in control until well after I left the bar. My girlfriend informed me that she had not had too much to drink and asked me if I trusted her in driving us back home. She was fine. I told him this. He keeps trying to make up things that I did to try to convince me that I acted inappropriately. I was fully in control of my actions up until about halfway home, and my memory remains in tact.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I really am trying not to let it ruin my day, but I am the type of person I guess that tries to put on a happy face while the sad one keeps slapping it off. So far, I am simply holding up.

How is he so good at not caring? How is he so good and giving love and then ripping it all away as if it never existed?


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Why does he get to be your "parent" and decide what is appropriate and not appropriate, and punish you like you're an errant teenager? 

It's an effective game he's playing, if it's still working on you.  Sorry for your troubles. Don't give in though. 

He went to counseling himself, right? Did you ever go together as a couple?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

crisis1008 said:


> That I have admitted to. I have told him the only mistake I made was drinking too much. I said that right before he told me that I was sprawled out all over a table (false). Last night he tried to tell me that staggering out of a bar was acting inappropriately as a married woman. I did not stagger out of a bar. I did not feel the full affects of being intoxicated until after I left the tiki bar. He even asked me if I felt it was appropriate to be so intoxicated that I let another drunk person drive me home. Again, I was still in control until well after I left the bar. My girlfriend informed me that she had not had too much to drink and asked me if I trusted her in driving us back home. She was fine. I told him this. He keeps trying to make up things that I did to try to convince me that I acted inappropriately. I was fully in control of my actions up until about halfway home, and my memory remains in tact.


I see his accusations as a means to continue to justify his treatment of you. It's the broken record in his own head that he's spewing. If he can tell himself over and over again that you acted the way he believes you did, then it must be the truth, and therefore you don't deserve his love or forgiveness.

A lie can feel like the truth if told over and over again. Doesn't make it so.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

This is a form of abuse.He sounds like a control freak
and insecure.If my wife went out and did this I 
would not care.

He has trust issues and he is gonna loose you by
acting like this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You people don't know what abusive is. I grew up around copper miners and cowboys. Those guys were abusive. It was not uncommon to go to the store and see housewives with black eyes and swollen mouths walking around embarrassed after having spent the night getting the sh!t beat out of them. 

So let's not exaggerate about this guy. 

What he is is a selfish controlling jerk azzhole sorry excuse for a man. So OP what you need to do is decide whether you wan to stay married to an azz or if you want to start fresh and D him and then find yourself a man who will treat you right. That is the decision you need to make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

jay1365 said:


> I don't suppose your husband lost a parent at an early age or was adopted? _Posted via Mobile Device_


Adopted? Seriously?????

What in the world makes you believe an adopted child is wounded...


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I am trying somehow to get that azz to respect me.

I am busting at the seams here. What I want to do is scream in his face to make him hear me. I want to tell him to go f*** himself to make him feel my pain and realize that his demands mean nothing. But I can't. I have purposefully done this on several occasions and it does nothing. He does not budge. He just calls me more names and tells me that I am psycho and cannot control myself. What he does not realize is that I am in complete control of myself. I am currently trying to show extreme emotion on purpose in hopes that he will understand how his actions make me feel. It does nothing and I always wind up begging him to forgive me. I want to change this. I want him to see what he is doing to me. I don't understand how you can tell someone that you love them, then turn around an treat them like there a piece of sh**. I could never do that to someone I love. When I love you, you feel loved. But, my husband would say that my actions last Sunday were not loving when they had nothing to do with him or marriage at all. I simply drank too much for the first time in 18 years. Why must I be punished?

Bandit, what you don't know is that my husband used to be physically abusive and more. However, because he no longer physically abuses me, he claims that he has completely changed and is no longer abusive at all. There are different forms of abuse. He used to make me go line by line on my bank statements and phone records explaining each transaction or call. This stopped after I left him, but he is still trying desperately to emotionally and mentally bully me into seeing all of my bank statements and give him more money every month. He keeps getting more and more from me, and I recently agreed to have my statements mailed to the house again. I do not want to do this, but agreed under pressure.

He has made me question my own family love and tolerance of me. He tells me that all of my family and friends lie to me and that they agree with him. He says they all say that I am overly emotional, that I over-dramatize everything and that I have issues. My family and friends deny this and tell me that he is lying and that he is abusive.

There is more, but why even go there? My problem is what is going on now. I am not ready to leave him again. I guess I was a fool for reconciling with him. But the love is there. I know it is there. The majority of each day is filled with laughter, sarcasm and smiles, as long as we do not talk about having more children, money, anything negative about him or any other subject that relates to something he wants gain control over.

I just want this to end.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> There is more, but why even go there? My problem is what is going on now. I am not ready to leave him again. I guess I was a fool for reconciling with him. But the love is there. I know it is there. *The majority of each day is filled with laughter, sarcasm and smiles, as long as we do not talk about having more children, money, anything negative about him or any other subject that relates to something he wants gain control over.*


You should print and paste the bolded part somewhere you can see it every day. That's not a way to live.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

This is not like a rule or anything, it is just what I know. I know I must avoid these topics or he will be come angry, or try to convince me to give up control of my money. I do not wish to give up control of my money. I used to have to give him every penny in the past. I will never do that again.

Not to mention, while we were separated, he confronted me with marital settlement agreement for which I apparently did not understand at the time. I was so eager to get him to leave me alone that although I read through it with him over my shoulder, I rushed though signing it without actually understanding what I was signing. It really did not matter to me at the time because I told him that I wanted nothing from him but a divorce. I refused any monetary settlements or assets. I did not care.

I went back and read about two years later, after he threw the terms of the agreement in my face during a couple of arguments. It turns out the marital settlement agreement remains in effect even in the event of a reconciliation, and leaves me with nothing. Okay, so I feel I was tricked into signing a post-nup. Well, that marital settlement agreement also stated that everything from the date of the agreement forward would remain separate and that neither of us had any right to the others finances. So, I guess he no longer has the right to see or tell me how to handle my finances.

After work I am going to go visit my mother for a while. I am not going to call him on my way home. I am not going to tell him where I am going. I am not going to come home and cook dinner. I know that this is what I should do, but am concerned that it will make things worse.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Oh, it also mentioned something about neither having a say so in the the others personal relationship or in some other words... love life. Wouldn't that be funny? I can see it now. If I had a boyfriend on the side, he could say nothing about it! Not that I ever would, but isn't that funny?!?!?!?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well then I stand corrected. If he is an abusive POS, then he has not changed really. The behavior has just been modified. I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment. I'd see a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Well then I stand corrected. If he is an abusive POS, then he has not changed really. The behavior has just been modified. I wouldn't put up with that kind of treatment. I'd see a lawyer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: 100%

Why keep jumping through the flaming hoops? He doesn't love you. He needs you for certain things but what he feels for you isn't love. It's just the opposite.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

What could he possible need me for if he doesn't love me. As weird as it may sound, I really do believe he loves me. I just don't understand how he can take love away, or punish the one he loves. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to do that to the one they love.

When he tells me he loves me it sounds and feels very sincere.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

crisis1008 said:


> What could he possible need me for if he doesn't love me. As weird as it may sound, I really do believe he loves me. I just don't understand how he can take love away, or punish the one he loves. I don't understand why anyone would ever want to do that to the one they love.
> 
> When he tells me he loves me it sounds and feels very sincere.


People can be used you know. It doesn't mean love has anything to do with it. You don't have to love someone in order for them to fulfill a need, it's not a prerequisite. 

How can he be sincere and yet treat you the way he does? It makes no sense. You know what love is, you give it. Is that what you receive in return?


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

After your reconciliation he probably has slowly taken more and more steps back to the person that you left. 
My guess is you have always been the one to blink first or give in. 

Your three futures are leaving him, putting up with this nonsense or him sincerely taking steps to change into a mature adult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You people don't know what abusive is. I grew up around copper miners and cowboys. Those guys were abusive. It was not uncommon to go to the store and see housewives with black eyes and swollen mouths walking around embarrassed after having spent the night getting the sh!t beat out of them.
> 
> So let's not exaggerate about this guy.
> 
> ...


He's abusive and controlling. If you can't figure out why, I suggest you look up "verbal and emotional abuse."

Period. End of discussion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> I am trying somehow to get that azz to respect me.
> 
> I am busting at the seams here. What I want to do is scream in his face to make him hear me. I want to tell him to go f*** himself to make him feel my pain and realize that his demands mean nothing. But I can't.
> 
> ...


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

crisis1008 said:


> MrK,
> 
> I already left him once. We were separated for 10 months. I was very hesitant to return, but he had convinced me to have faith in him. He had gone to counseling on his own for the last 8 months of our separation, despite my telling him it would make no difference. I returned home three years ago. The first couple of months were great, but some regression has taken place on his part. While I try desperately try to always stand my ground, it always reaches a point where my heart cannot take any more of the insults, twisting of words, or silent treatment.


Then leave again. This time for good. It will fix him. Eventually. It's too late for you. But it's time to leave.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I cannot believe in your original post that you actually sounded surprised by his reaction and behavior. You have been back with this abusive man for THREE YEARS, how much longer are going to fool yourself that he is ever going to change?? How much longer are you going to cling to all of your "if only's" and "what if's" and "next time's"?? You NEED TO LEAVE THIS MAN!


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Yesterday, I went to visit my parents after work. I usually call my husband every day to let him know I am on my way home, but I did not call him yesterday. He called me while at my parents' home. He asked where I was and I told him I was visiting my mother. He then told me that he was going to go out to find something to eat. I just said "Okay. If that's what you wanna do, fine." I do not remember who hung up first, but the call just simply ended after that.

I was feeling a little guilty for acting callous, so I tried to call him back. I figured I would simply try to engage conversation by asking him if he wouldn't mind picking me up something to eat too, but he did not answer, and I did not try to call a second time. I felt stupid for doing so anyway.

When I arrived at my house, he was still not there so I hopped on the treadmill to keep my head clear. This always seems to help me shed negative energy and anger. His sister called while he was gone, so when he got home I jumped off the treadmill for a moment to hand him the phone. I simply said "Call your sister." Looking back now, I think he thought I told my parent's what was going on because he began acting as thought the silent treatment he had been giving me never happened. When I handed him the phone, he said "Hello?" in a slightly sarcastic tone, so as if to imply that I was being rude by not greeting him upon seeing him for the first time that evening. It was so weird. I ignored it and went back to working out.

After working out, I made myself a frozen burrito for dinner and sat down in the recliner next to my husband in the living room and began watching the show he had on. Oddly, he asked me what somebody had said on tv, as if he did not hear it. He had spoken to me again. Weird!?!?!?!? I repeated what the person had said on tv and went back to eating my burrito. Here's the kicker, though. 

When my husband's show was over, he put on the 2-hour season premier of the show that I would ordinarily watch then got up and began to walk out of the front door. I told him that he did not have to put this on and could watch whatever he wanted. He responded to me by saying "I put it on for you, even though your being a d**k." That's was it. I had had enough. I angrily asked "How am I being a d**k? You have been giving me the silent treatment for three day, and I'm a d**k?" He claimed that he had not been giving me the silent treatment. I told him that not talking to your wife or sleeping in the same room with her for three days is the silent treatment and then some. I reminded him that the silent treatment is a form of abuse, which I would not put up with. I informed him that I was aware that he expected me to beg him for forgiveness for something that I needed no forgiveness for, and reminded him that he would never be able to convince me that I had done anything wrong, or was sprawled out all over a table, or staggered out of a bar, or acted inappropriately as a married woman or that I was a pathetic human being for having too much to drink one time in 18 years. He told me that he knew that he could never convince me that I had done anything wrong, because I never accept responsibility for anything. I told him that was not true, and that I simply take responsibility for having too much to drink, but that there was nothing morally or ethically wrong with that. I mean, the only person who suffered because of it was me. He told me that my opinion was the only one that mattered, and that he feels it was inappropriate and that should matter. I don't get it! How is what I did inappropriate, can somebody please tell me?

It did not end there, it became an all out argument. I refused to back down. My sentences began containing the f-word. So he told me to stop cussing at him and proceeded to call me a f***ing b***h. So I began verbally tallying the things he was doing to me. I said "Okay, so I am a pathetic human being, acted inappropriately as a married woman, am being given the f***ing silent treatment and now I am a f***ing b***h. Okay." He then told me that he was not giving me a treatment and that he probably should have just said that I was pathetic. Really!?!?! That changes everything! He then asked me if my leaving him was a lesson... I cut him off and asked him if that was what this was. I asked if he was teaching me a lesson. He said no. So, I guess it was not the silent treatment or a lesson, but rather some new form of punishment that mirror images the silent treatment, but it's not actually the silent treatment.

Oh, he also tried to tell me that the silent treatment was not a form of abuse and that he counselor even told me that. I informed him that this was not true and that he was very much informed that it was and that he needs to look it up. I then went to work out again.

Later in the evening, we were not talking but being slightly civil again. I asked him if he was sleeping on the couch again and he said as if he were some hurt puppy "Yeah. I think I am if that's okay." I replied by saying that he knew that it was not okay. When he came in bedroom later to get something out of the bathroom, I thought he was coming in to mess with me so I told him to leave me alone.

This morning, there was no conversation between us. I called him on my way to work and asked him if he would be sleeping on the couch again. He said that he did not know. I said it was a simple yes or no question. He asked why. I said I was just curious. I told him that he needed to know that I did not know how much longer I could deal with being mistreated by him. He told me not to threaten him and began yelling at me. I did not allow myself to pay attention to anything he was saying. I told him I loved him and goodbye. He called back and I answered the phone by saying "Do not call me if you are not going to be nice." Then remained quiet until he said "Are you there?" I said yes. I told him I was not threatening him, that I was warning him... communicating. I told him that he needed to know that his actions cause hurt and that I did not know how much more I could take. I then told him that I had to go, that I loved him and goodbye. before I walked into my office, I called him and simply said once again "I love you and am not threatening you. have a good day. Goodbye." He kept trying to talk over me, but I would not let him.

That's it. I am fighting back tears and it doesn't help that my staff hit me up with resentments they have between each other as soon as I walked in the door. Oh, God! Will the drama never end?!?!?!

Just trying to suppress a very emotional day.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Its good that you are starting to stand up for yourself. You can tell by his responses though, that he doesnt give a damn about you or how you feel.


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Good for you!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

That whole ordeal didn't need to happen yesterday. And all you do is apologize or make nice which in turn fuels his mistreatment of you. He gaslights you and tells you how you should feel, and all at the same time takes NOT one ounce of responsibility for his crappy behavior toward you... as if you are imagining it all.

He's a jerk. He's abusive and controlling toward you. And yet you are here trying to figure out what you did or didn't do to cause it. You aren't responsible for his abuse. You aren't responsible for his anger. You can continue to be his punching bag OR you can tell him to feck off and plan your exit strategy.

He knows JUST what he's doing, and he knows what the consequences SHOULD BE, he even said it last night. He also knows you are too weak to follow through and he will continue to play head games with you to keep it that way. Stand up for yourself by drawing the line in the sand. If he doesn't come to bed tonight, that is the end of it. Don't call him ANYMORE TODAY. Speak to him when you get home, but don't kiss his ass. Don't follow behind him like a puppy dog. Don't go out of your way to do ANYTHING for him. You have got to stop this cycle you're in.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Your husband is a controlling abusive alcoholic......

and you are co-dependent on him.

His every mood, word, action dictates your feelings, actions, thoughts & whether or not you will have a "good" day.

Some book recommendations:

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft

"Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie

I used to think like you did. "If he says he loves me, why does he treat me so badly?" He may or may not love you but the fact remains that he treats you badly.

Love doesn't hurt.

Stop wasting time trying to figure him out. Stop analyzing his every move. Take baby steps to achieving a peaceful, less stressful life for yourself.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Good and keep holding your ground.He might possibly change
as your not acting or doing what you used to.

He acts like a spoiled hurt little boy.Hopefully he will get it.
Don't give in or back down,hold your ground.

He knows what hes doing so tell him directly when hes 
being emotionally abuse.

Good Luck and be strong


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

He actually is not an alcoholic, he may drink once a year anymore, if that. He just gets really bad when he does drink.

Funny thing... When he called me while at my parents' house and asked where I was, I thought about saying I was having ****tails with my mother.

I also thought about coming home and announcing "Hello, my name is Crisis, and I'm and alcoholic."

I did call him again just a little while ago. I simply asked him how his day was going. It started off okay, but when we went to hang up he still would not say that he loved me. When he realized that I was still on the line he asked why I was still there. I told him that he knew why I was still there. He then told me that he was not going to play along with my games. I told him I was not the one playing games. I am trying to get past through this without giving in to him, which will result in my accepting his accusations.

Needless to say, the call did not end well. He hung up on me and I did not call back.

If he sleeps on the couch tonight, I will probably make arrangements to stay at my parents' house tomorrow.

In the past I have been told to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I fear reading this book, as my husband will become very angry. He will tell me that the book does not depict what really goes on and that it is written by a woman who always assumes that the man involved with the woman reading the book is an abuser. He will tell me that I should be reading books about how to better our marriage, such as "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" He read this book while we were separated in the past, and has been pushing me to read it ever since. I read the first three chapters before I realized that it was referring to standard marital issues and not abuse. After reading that book, my husband has tried to tell me that the silent treatment is associated with the man going into his cave. According to the book, the woman is supposed to allow the man to go into his cave to think and leave him alone during this time. What he did not read was the preface of the book, which in so many words states that the advice and examples presented in the book are not meant for abusive situations and counseling should be sought. It also in so many words states the man is supposed to come out of his cave.

F*** that book!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I did call him again just a little while ago. I simply asked him how his day was going. It started off okay, but when we went to hang up he still would not say that he loved me.


Why did you call him? Really? Don't say because you wanted to hear him say he loves you because we both know better. I just want to know.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You are in denial.

You can't even read a book because you are afraid of your husband's anger. You don't have to tell him about it but your fear of him finding out stops you from trying to help yourself.

I'm not sure what kind of help you want from this site. You get validation that you are right & not behaving inappropriately. I don't think you like hearing that your husband is abusive. Nobody wants an abusive spouse, I get it.

I feel very bad for you. You are trying to win a no-win situation with this man. You are trying to have a "happy" marriage, I get it.

I hope he changes, I really do.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I was just sort of hoping what I said to him this morning would have had an effect. He is talking to me because he knows I know I am right. But, I realize that he is still trying to convince me that I am the one who is a bad spouse and is mistreating him.

I thought maybe he would have had time to process things. I was wrong. I screwed up and should have never called him. 

I just want it all to end. This is the part where I become all mushy and become unable to hold out any longer. I just want my husband to love me and view me as a good wife. I really do try so hard to make him happy.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I am not looking for validation for anything. I just wish, and I guess I already know its wishful thinking, that somebody could tell me how to make him see reality and stop trying to make me feel bad. That is what I want.

You are right. I want a happy, respectful, loving marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

crisis1008 said:


> I just want my husband to love me and view me as a good wife.


So you are in love with his potential; who he could be if he would just stop messing with your head and being a jerk.

That explains a lot.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Maybe I do need validation. I mean, I am always trying to convince him that I am a good wife. Maybe I need validation myself, because he always finds something wrong with me and he is very good at standing his ground until I give in and wind up at least temporarily accepting that I am not a good wife. Maybe I need your validation to help convince myself that I am good.

I mean, when the one person you love most is constantly telling you something so horrible, you sometimes need others to tell you your not.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

crisis1008 said:


> ... I already know its wishful thinking, that *somebody could tell me how to make him see reality* and stop trying to make me feel bad. That is what I want.


It appears you also want someone to give you the formula to change how your husband behaves. You can't make anyone see "reality." For all you know, he may very well believe his version of reality is correct and yours is wrong.

You feel bad because you allow him to exert control. Nobody has the power to make anyone feel something. You own your feelings, he doesn't.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Absolutely, Prodigal!

If you were to meet my husband, you would love him. He is super funny, charasmatic, good-looking, charming and very intelligent. He is like the total package. I find him so attractive in almost every way.

He is so good to so many other people, and everybody loves him. Why can't he be that good with me. I sometimes have to work hard to convince myself that it is not me, because everyone loves him.

I mean, it was super hard to swallow when years ago some woman we knew walked up to me and told me I was lucky to have him. I wanted to tell her that she had no idea what she was talking about, because he was horrible to me. I wanted to tell her that he was lucky to have me. But, I could never say anything like that. For one, it would have been totally in appropriate. And two, I am a little too modest to actually say something like that and one-hundred percent believe it. When others tell you how great your spouse it. You begin to question yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

crisis1008 said:


> H
> In the past I have been told to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I fear reading this book, as my husband will become very angry. He will tell me that the book does not depict what really goes on and that it is written by a woman who always assumes that the man involved with the woman reading the book is an abuser.


Why do you give a crap what he thinks about you reading a book? Put a damn book cover on it.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I really don't know. I don't want him to ask me what I am reading.

Then again there is part of me that wishes I had the guts to read it in front of him and tell him all about it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

crisis1008 said:


> If you were to meet my husband, you would love him. He is super funny, charasmatic, good-looking, charming and very intelligent. He is like the total package. I find him so attractive in almost every way.
> 
> He is so good to so many other people, and everybody loves him. Why can't he be that good with me. I sometimes have to work hard to convince myself that it is not me, because everyone loves your spouse.


So was my 1st husband....add to that a CFO of a big company, a college football player, a loving son & very nice to his older female relatives who all thought he walked on water.

The reality is the above 1st husband is a partner abuser. I wanted what you want. I wanted him to stop treating me badly. I wanted him to stop abusing & controlling me. I wanted to stop living in fear. I wanted to stop being co-dependent on him. I tried to get him to "change" into a loving, respectful spouse for 22 years.

Didn't happen. I left.

I re-married. Guess what? My husband is non-abusive. I can go out with my girlfriends whenever I want w/o getting the third degree. He does not have a bad temper. He's cool, chill & lets people be themselves. He's far from perfect but the bottom line is he treats me with respect & decency.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Your husband sounds amazing, Emerald. I am so happy for you.

You know for years I was terrified of losing my husband. Then I left him and did not care. He chased me for ten months and would not leave me alone. I told him then that I was afraid of going back to him and that I did not want to wake up after another ten years had past to discover that I had been though it all over again. He told me that he knew I would not allow that to happen. He told me that he knew that I would not ever tolerate abuse from him again. I feared then that like the first ten years it would be very hard for me to leave him again. It would not come easily. It took too long the first time for it to become easy. He had to push me to a breaking point. I knew then and I know now that I am weak. Here I am again, and I am afraid to lose him. I love him more than anything.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You need to leave him for good this time. You only get one shot at life. No do-overs. Don't live any more of it like this.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Does anyone ever feel guilty for talking about their spouse and making them seem like a monster?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

crisis1008 said:


> Does anyone ever feel guilty for talking about their spouse and making them seem like a monster?


Seriously? :scratchhead:

Crisis, WHAT is it going to take to get you back to that breaking point? Another ten years?? This man does not love you or respect you. So you need to love and respect yourself, and end this insanity.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The drama won't stop until you take steps to make it stop. 

You say you can't leave because you "love" him. All that's doing is teaching him that he can treat you however he likes and you won't do squat about it. You're choosing to remain in an abusive relationship. At some point, you have to stop blaming him and accept the fact that it's your own decisions for remaining there that are causing you to keep getting hurt (emotionally). 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I do not know what to say to this PBear. I know you are right, short of leaving my husband I do not know how to make it stop. I am not ready to do that again. There has got to be some way to attempt to correct what is wrong with the marriage whilst still in it. That is what I am trying to do. I do need a breaking point to leave. I am just not strong enough to do it. I do not have the will power. If I was to leave right now, I would wind up giving him the upper hand. He would treat me like garbage and tell me how horrible I was so I felt guilty enough to come back within two weeks tops. Then there is the even scarier alternative, he will actually view me as garbage and throw me away. I do not want to be his garbage. I want to be his love.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

That's it. The dam has finally broken. Here come the waterworks. You hit something very real PBear.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

crisis1008 said:


> I do not know what to say to this PBear. I know you are right, short of leaving my husband I do not know how to make it stop. I am not ready to do that again. There has got to be some way to attempt to correct what is wrong with the marriage whilst still in it. That is what I am trying to do. I do need a breaking point to leave. I am just not strong enough to do it. I do not have the will power. If I was to leave right now, I would wind up giving him the upper hand. He would treat me like garbage and tell me how horrible I was so I felt guilty enough to come back within two weeks tops. Then there is the even scarier alternative, he will actually view me as garbage and throw me away. I do not want to be his garbage. I want to be his love.


He treats you like garbage NOW!


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> This morning, there was no conversation between us. I called him on my way to work and asked him if he would be sleeping on the couch again. He said that he did not know. I said it was a simple yes or no question. He asked why. I said I was just curious. I told him that he needed to know that I did not know how much longer I could deal with being mistreated by him. He told me not to threaten him and began yelling at me. I did not allow myself to pay attention to anything he was saying. I told him I loved him and goodbye. He called back and I answered the phone by saying "Do not call me if you are not going to be nice." Then remained quiet until he said "Are you there?" I said yes. I told him I was not threatening him, that I was warning him... communicating. I told him that he needed to know that his actions cause hurt and that I did not know how much more I could take. I then told him that I had to go, that I loved him and goodbye. before I walked into my office, I called him and simply said once again "I love you and am not threatening you. have a good day. Goodbye." He kept trying to talk over me, but I would not let him.
> 
> 
> Just trying to suppress a very emotional day.


Why do you keep telling him that you love him? does he ever say it back?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, but your reasoning is flawed. There doesn't have to be a way to fix a relationship. In particular, fixing a relationship when only one person wants to fix it is likely impossible. And that's the situation you're in now. 

I'm sorry to have triggered the waterworks, but you need to recognize your reality and your role in it if you want things to change. So I'm not sorry for what I said. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> Does anyone ever feel guilty for talking about their spouse and making them seem like a monster?


Yes I do feel like a monster for telling about him but then again I need help and people's opinions on this if I don't want to go insane trying to figure it out on my own... If he found out I was talking about "our problems"? I'd probably get the ST for life... lol


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> Absolutely, Prodigal!
> 
> If you were to meet my husband, you would love him. He is super funny, charasmatic, good-looking, charming and very intelligent. He is like the total package. I find him so attractive in almost every way.
> 
> ...


Are we married to the same man? You just described my husband!


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> That's it. The dam has finally broken. Here come the waterworks. You hit something very real PBear.


Girl, you know, you and I are in the same boat! I'm on day 57 of ST and I can't believe it... he's out of town for a week so I get to be out of my "punishment cell" but yeah it sucks!!! Hang in there...


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I think we may be, Linda. You guys will never believe what just happened. He just called me. He said that he thinks we both have different view of what happened and that he did not know how it turned into something so huge, because it really wasn't a big deal. He suggested we drop it and told me that he loved me. Did I finally wear him down by not giving in?

I know that this does not mean that all is well in my marriage. I do recognize the issues at hand. I am eager to see how the evening plays out. If he wants to discuss the matter, he will either try to minimize his actions or continue to try to convince me that I acted in appropriately which will throw fuel back on the fire.

PBear, I am not upset with you and would not dare ask you for an apology. You were speaking the truth, which is why it hurt so much. You forced me to face my own issues. I do allow this. I do not know why as of yet and do not know how to get myself to a point to do what I have to do to stop it. Yes, I think I need another breaking point.

Some of the things my husband used to do to me mentally, would make me feel crazy and question my own sanity. His tactics were so subtle that he would find various ways to convince me that what was happening was not really happening. He would make me believe that it was all in my head. It was so bad, that I used to pray that he would wither punch me dead in the face upon arriving home from work, or that I would catch him right in the act of cheating on me. These were two things that could not be explained away. They would be plain as day and I would have every right to leave. No justification required. No guilt for abandoning my husband. He could not use the children as tools to keep me there in either of these cases.

Linda, if you do leave your husband, please do not return. I used to think that abusers could change if they really wanted to. I am certain that my husband wanted to change, but he didn't. I now do not believe that they can change. We are who we are.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> In the past I have been told to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I fear reading this book, as my husband will become very angry. He will tell me that the book does not depict what really goes on and that it is *written by a woman* who always assumes that the man involved with the woman reading the book is an abuser.


Only... Lundy is *male*. 

Here, go to googlebooks and look at a free preview:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men - Lundy Bancroft - Google Books

Another good one (by a woman) is Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"

I hid both of them when I first read them. You can get them from your library. No more hiding for ME... I have a backbone now. Just bought "Why Men Love *****es: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship". Haven't read it yet but the title is just too too tempting


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Linda,

The most ST I have ever been able to deal with was three weeks. As usual I caved and began begging him for mercy. You are very strong. Much stronger than me. You can leave. You can go. My husband will at least show me some mild forms of affections every now and then, like throwing a dog a bone. Makes for life in the junkyard a little more bearable and prevents me from running away. You don't get any treats at all. I cried for you before I cried for myself. I have read all of your posts. I want happiness for you, Linda.

The only other advice I can give you is if you reach that breaking point and do actually leave your husband, stay mad... very, very mad. Do not let him know where you are living. Set up a mutual place to pick-up/drop off your son. Change your phone number. Have all contact go through a third party. I know this seems dramatic, but it is was everyone told me to do when I left my husband and is what I desperately wish I had done.


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

Thank you, Blonde!


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Only... Lundy is *male*.
> 
> Here, go to googlebooks and look at a free preview:
> 
> ...


Hello Blonde, 

I don't think I've read your story. are you married to an abuser? Do you get the ST? What did you do to get that backbone? I want one of those


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

I had one once and I want it back!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I hope for your sake that he's moved on from this. But I suspect you'll have an update later today that tells us otherwise. By Monday at the latest. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crisis1008 (Mar 9, 2010)

They say history repeats itself, and if that is true then you are correct PBear. So far, I have only seen history repeat itself. I expect more out of this. The one thing I can say is that I think I am a little better at standing up for myself than I used to be.


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> Linda,
> 
> The most ST I have ever been able to deal with was three weeks. As usual I caved and began begging him for mercy. You are very strong. Much stronger than me. You can leave. You can go. My husband will at least show me some mild forms of affections every now and then, like throwing a dog a bone. Makes for life in the junkyard a little more bearable and prevents me from running away. You don't get any treats at all. I cried for you before I cried for myself. I have read all of your posts. I want happiness for you, Linda.
> 
> The only other advice I can give you is if you reach that breaking point and do actually leave your husband, stay mad... very, very mad. Do not let him know where you are living. Set up a mutual place to pick-up/drop off your son. Change your phone number. Have all contact go through a third party. I know this seems dramatic, but it is was everyone told me to do when I left my husband and is what I desperately wish I had done.


I don't really feel that strong to be honest, I have to say though that it hurts a little less than it used in the beginning because I now know his moves and so I've stopped expecting things from him... When this first started in the very beginning of our marriage, I would be on my knees begging him to tell me what I had done wrong...I would apologize for whatever I may have done to deserve that "punishment"... if he slept on the couch (which he did in the first few months of marriage - during pregnancy) I would sleep on the other couch just to be in the same room (how pathetic of me)...

Now I don't want to beg, I don't wan to write him lenghty emails telling him how I feel, I don't want to apologize for something that I don't even know....

We live in a small town where everybody knows everybody... avoiding him would mean for me to leave the country...


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

crisis1008 said:


> They say history repeats itself, and if that is true then you are correct PBear. So far, I have only seen history repeat itself. I expect more out of this. The one thing I can say is that I think I am a little better at standing up for myself than I used to be.


I'm sure, tonight, he's gonna act like nothing happened and will go on regular business as usual... please let us know. I'm glad your punishment has been lifted... 

I don't know how to get back to "normal" after 57 days of silence... He's made no contact since he left on his business trip on tuesday morning.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

crisis1008 said:


> They say history repeats itself, and if that is true then you are correct PBear. So far, I have only seen history repeat itself. I expect more out of this. The one thing I can say is that I think I am a little better at standing up for myself than I used to be.


Well once you let a person take a dump on your heart, they tend to do it again and again if you stick around. People that respect you don't do that. They don't take dumps on you and sleep in separate rooms, or give you the ST. They don't gaslight you into thinking you are crazy and making all of it up. They don't berate you for the mistakes you make, or accuse you of making them when you didn't. They don't play the superior 'I have it all together and you don't' with you.

Love doesn't do any of the things I mentioned. Until you truly value yourself and EXPECT BETTER than his taking a dump on you, it won't get better. You'll remain his puppet, his toy, until he tires of you. And another thing, as a woman it bothers me to no end to hear other women claim that their POS man is EVERYTHING to them. REALLY??? everything? If he's everything then you don't want much. No man should be your everything. You should be everything with OUT him AND some. He's supposed to ADD to your awesomeness.

When you get THERE... let us know.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Troubledlinda said:


> Hello Blonde,
> 
> I don't think I've read your story. are you married to an abuser? Do you get the ST? What did you do to get that backbone? I want one of those


I went to IC for three years, read some good books, worked on my own recovery, and learned to stand up for myself (and the children) and let his judgments roll off like water off a duck's back.

As for ST, if it was me nowadays, I'd accept it as a welcome vacation and make the most of it  . I keep myself very busy and have lots of fun. I have a job, hobbies, friends, take classes, keep fit, etc. etc. etc... If he ignores me by golly, I can give that right back guilt free.  

It was actually a 3 month business trip where I first learned that life without him could be amazingly *pleasant* and *peaceful * absent the constant drama, and I don't NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED him :woohoo:. That's a comfortable place for me mentally and keeps him on his best behavior.


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

Hello Crisis, 

How is it going? Did the evening go well and is everythng back to "normal"?


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## Troubledlinda (Sep 7, 2013)

Blonde said:


> I went to IC for three years, read some good books, worked on my own recovery, and learned to stand up for myself (and the children) and let his judgments roll off like water off a duck's back.
> 
> As for ST, if it was me nowadays, I'd accept it as a welcome vacation and make the most of it  . I keep myself very busy and have lots of fun. I have a job, hobbies, friends, take classes, keep fit, etc. etc. etc... If he ignores me by golly, I can give that right back guilt free.
> 
> It was actually a 3 month business trip where I first learned that life without him could be amazingly *pleasant* and *peaceful * absent the constant drama, and I don't NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED him :woohoo:. That's a comfortable place for me mentally and keeps him on his best behavior.


I'm so looking forward to reaching this point myself... I know I'll get there, I have no choice! I have to save myself and my son from this life of misery! Feeling so down today, wandering how can anyone (my husband) for crying out loud can be soooo cruel! pfffff


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

WaitForIt... said:


> It's called projecting. He is assuming you behave the same way he does when he's out with the guys.
> 
> Classic case. I've witnessed my father, brothers, brothers in law and husband do this.
> 
> ...


^^ This, crisis!

A counselor pointed it out to me. My husband does it constantly. Once you can SEE it over time, you really do get to the point where you take nothing they say personally nor to heart. 

At times it's staggering how much of their own thoughts and mindset they reveal by projecting it onto you! At times, it might really make you feel sorry for him  Your H's unfaithful, adulterous mindset that he's projecting onto you would just make me angry and suspicious, but for example if he said "you're worthless and good for nothing". He is speaking about HIMSELF and it's sad for someone to have such a horrible view of themself!

Nowadays, I just very calmly inform my husband when he gets in one of his ranty accusational modes that I am taking everything he says as projection and his words are quite revealing about where his mind and heart are at.

And I substitute positive affirmations for his accusations. If he called me worthless and good for nothing I might say, "I disagree with you. I am precious and accomplished" and I would name some of the things about myself and my character which I am proud of: good mother, faithful wife, frugal, smart, etc...

If he spews his accusations at the children, again, I substitute positive affirmations and teach the children about projection and remind them that that garbage spew is because DADDY HAS ISSUES and is no reflection on you precious child!


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