# Advice please!!!



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Hello everyone, 
I'm going to post my story and see what you guys think. A little background, my stbxw were both in the military. (she got out recently)...We were friends for about a year, began dating and after a year decided to get married. we have a five year old son who is hers from a previous relationship, although his biological father isn't in the picture, he calls me daddy and we were attempting to have me adopt him. at the point where we began to have problems, we have been married about a year and a half...

We began having problems this summer while i was half way through a six month deployment. On the fourth of July, my wife was at female friends with our son and lots of other people enjoying the holiday. a guy who she works with wrote her on her FB wall, asking about the party. this went back and forth, and the long and short it is that i got a little concerned about this, it seeming that this guy was paying a little bit too much attention to my wife. (keep in mind that i am reading this a few hours later) i write my wife an email in a calm manner tell her that i thought he was paying her too much attention. She blows a gasket..tells me that she can't believe that i am accousing her of cheating (i didn't it)...she basicaly stops talking to me through the email and phone. i get a little bit of contact with her a couple times a week, mostly through my sunday phone calls home to talk to her and my son, but i can't get her to talk to me about what happened. (turns out later it was completely innocent) a couple of weeks later, i finaly get her to open up to me a little bit. she tells me she isn't happy and doesnt know why. I know she is struggling while i am gone. she works a tough job and has a five year old to take care of by herself. I listen and am as supportive as i can be, and i get a little hopeful that things will get better, but then she goes back cold. this is the end of july. I am a mess....

Right around the beginining of august i see pictures of her and her friends (girls and guys) at a concert, and she is not wearing her wedding ring. I flip out. I take a few hours and calm down and call her and confront her about it. she blows a gasket...tells me she was wearing her wedding ring on her necklace, which i go back and check the pics, and she was. she says she put it on her necklace because the band is wearing thin and she was afraid it would break...this is plausable, we have had the same problem with that ring. but again, she takes this as me accousing her of cheating...more silence. can barely get her to talk to me. back to attempting to decipher whats going on in her life by her facebook posts. something is seriously wrong at home..i'm an emotional wreck... i have no idea what i am walking into when i come home. I've lost forty pounds.

september
I finaly get home. i get a very chilly reception from my wife. my son is estatic to see me home. weird thing though, my son tells me a someone named K has been living at my house...i am surprised, but with everyone on eggshells, i leave it alone, i will come back to it. the first few days home are rough, my wife wont sleep in our bed... while cleaning my truck out, i find an emergency contraceptive box with the pills gone. digging in the bag, i find the reciept and the credit card number (my wifes.) she bought this on august 12th. she and my son had gone to disney world the 8-11th of august. i flipped, but calmed my self down and confronted my wife. she blew a gasket, said i was accussing her of cheating AGAIN... and that it was for a friend that ended up being pregnant anyways. i told her i believed her, but in my mind i didn't know. i knew, but didn't want to admit it to myself. now i am in full snoop mode. i know something is up, just not the extent of it. i find my wifes camera, and check her pictures. it was pics of her, K and my son at disney world. in a few of the pics, she is kissing this guy on the cheek. she wasnt home at the time, and i am flipping out. so i called my father, becuase to be honest with you, i was close to killing someone, whether it was her, this guy or myself. thankfully, my father being the wonderful man he is, calmed me down. so when she got home, i confronted her. she says that yes, K was living at our house for three weeks because he got kicked out of his house. yes, he went to disneyworld with them, and her and my son and K shared a hotel room. and that they kissed. that is it. I don't know what to believe. but i tell her i want to work things out. she does too, but since i talked to my dad, she doesnt think we can. basicaly she cant deal with the shame and says i should have talked to her first. this goes on for about ten days. I find pregnancy tests that she bought (found the recipt bought on 26 AUG, a week before i got home with two gone) we talk repeatedly about working things out, and basicaly i want to, and she wants to, just doesnt know if we can. throughout this period, she continues to talk to this guy and see him on the sly(I know, she is but she doesnt know i know). unable to stand this, i confront her and she says they are just friends. i decide to move out. 

* a little background info on "K". He works for my wife who is 30, he is 21 years old and lives at home with his mom and dad. He works midnight shift and has wednesday and thursday off. this will make sense in a minute. 

so i move out, on a wednesday and a thurday. my wife decideds to go rent a hotel room, saying she and our son cant bare to see me move out. well i have got a really good idea that K is going to be out there. but i do nothing, i have to concentrate on moving out. on sept 30, my wife gets out of the military. 

I go to my home state for a month, and working with my wonderful mother and father, really see what a crap situation this is and how i really don't need this. i decide that i can't deal with this, but i am not going to make any kind of decisions right now. 

after i get home, she seems to have changed her tune some. she wants to spend time with me, often using my son as an excuse for us to get together. she even asks me to go to NY with her to thanksgiving. however, i know she is still seeing this guy. and i know i shouldn't have done this, but one day i asked my son about all this. he told me that my wife kisses this guy, that they tell each other they love each other. that he stayed at the hotel she rented and at the house after i left....

this is just basically the highlights of what has transpired. This is long enough without alot of the other details. To summerize though, she often turns things around and blames me for the things she does. She won't admit to anything, and the worst thing is is she did all of this right in front of my son. I think she may have BPD. Even when confronted with overwhelming evidence, she still wont admitt the truth. 

She is leaving in three days to move to NY to live with her parents. she still wanted to work things out with me. she has repeatedly told me that she can't focus on us because she is working on finding a job and getting her life together. i think she really figured the decision was in her hands. today, i told her that i don't want to work it out. and that i am going to file for divorce. i am pretty sure she is crushed... i thought it would feel good to see that, but it upsets me. not that much though. my questions from here though are this...

1. What can I expect from her? 
2. Will she try to come back? (a small part of me wishes we could work it out, but i would never be happy)
3. Advice on how to let go and move on. 

I'm not such the emotional wreck anymore. I have been following the advice i have found on here. My parents have been wonderful, allowing me a safe place to vent and a sanity check. I am so angry with myself for swallowing her BS for so long, for not putting my footdown earlier or just leaving sooner...my biggest problem is what to do about my son. I am his dad, but she is leaving the state, and eventually going to ruin some other schmucks life. what do you guys think.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

not gonna lie its rough..she left for her home state today.. think its rough because its all becoming real...i guess what i can't get over is why she can't come clean to me. i've busted her in so many lies, and she can't admitt to it. its just so damn frustrating... a little background info on me..this is my second marriage. my first was destroyed by the same thing, my wife cheating on me. i spiraled down a pretty deep emotional hole on that one. i thought it was my fault, that something was wrong with me as a lover and as a man. it took me a long time to understand that it wasn't about me, and that there was nothing wrong with me. but as terrible as that was, at least when she was caught, she didn't lie to me and came clean and admitted to what she did and showed remorse... this one though, wow... i just wonder what really happened to her. not the cheating wasn't bad enough, but to do all of this in front of my five year old, i just can't fathom that. when i got home from my deployment, i noticed a pretty big change in him. where he was a happy go lucky kid before, he is now quiet and reserved and extremely needy. when i asked her about this, she just said she didn't know what had come over him...well i can tell you, its the fact that his mom was Wh***ing it up right in front of him. that will do it.... but trying to recover from this one is different and the same. its weird. its different because i know this isn't about me. no 30 year old woman can be happy with a 21 year old boy who still lives with his parents. i know that it has nothing to do with me as a husband, lover or father. while i admitt, there are probably things i could have done better, (be better remembering to do stuff, maybe cook a few meals, etc), they are pretty common things, not even close to a deal breaker... I am having a hard time accepting the fact that she lies to me so much even when she knows that i know differently. does she think i am really that dumb... and i struggle with how she plays the victim. she is out of the military and has no job. i have moved out and left her to move her own stuff out of the house. i have helped her on occasion though. I have offered, but she doesn't ask, then comes back later and says how she is on her own and i don't help her. she gets mad at the fact that since i am out on my own that i am never home and always out doing stuff. i am gone alot, either doing stuff with friends or working out, just trying to stay busy and not mope around. i think she is afraid that i am moving on or out running around with other girls. i think she wants me to be sitting at home miserable....theres so much more and maybe i will vent that out later..there is alot of similarities too though. the deep pain and depression. the constant turning of things over and over in my head, trying to figure out what is thier heads. the sense of loss and frustration of having my life torn down because the person i loved and trusted decided to act out of selfishness and tear it down. having to start over sucks. thank you for letting me vent, and i hope to hear from many of you with advice...i could use it....one more thing and this is something i could really use advice on. as i have stated in my first post, my parents already know...one of her many reasons why she said she didn't know if she could ever work things out... but her parents don't. and she won't tell them..her family is going nuts trying to figure out what is going on..she has just told them that we aren't working out...they know we were having problems while i was on deployment. they aren't stupid people and i hope they figure it out. i really like them and they like me, they are wonderful people. i am tempted to post something on facebook, vauge enough that not everyone would get it, but they would be able to figure it out. i don't know, its not like she would come out and tell them the truth. i guess i just want them to know because thier opionion of me is important to me, and i don't want her sitting there blaming me....


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

There is likely a good reason that she blew up so easily when you confronted her with something.
You nailed it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You need to get checked for STD's. Sorry but she has been playing you for a fool. If you do not respect yourself then who will? You deserve better.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tell her parents. She's been lying to you for months, and playing you.

she has no intention of fixing the marriage, that's shown by her continuing to cheat with K. 

Dump her cheating butt, and see if you can full custody of your son. He needs a parent in his life that has some morals, your cheating wife has none.

tell her family.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might also want to have a chat with K, and explain the facts of life to him - about hooking up with a married woman with a kid.

btw - who paid for the hotel and the love trip to disneyland? You? Cause I'd be seeking a way to get that money back out of her.

Cut of all your financing of her and her affair. Tell her family - they deserve to know she killed her marriage and family for a chance at a 21 old


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm assuming K is in the military? Report him to his CO
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Thanks for the words of advice guys...so i posted something on facebook...not outright, but enough so that her parents and family(who i know check my page regularly) will see it and put the pieces together pretty damn quickly. i wrote "hate having my life torn apart by someone who can't behave themselves"...they will get it. they have got to wonder already......i can't get custody of my son. he is not mine biologicaly, but hers from a previous relationship..i guess thats one thing that really burns me up.. i took that boy in and loved him like my own, wanted to adopt him. we were close to finishing the process of having his last name changed to mine...this may sound a little high and mighty, but where is she going to find someone else like that... and a wierd thing happened tuesday night. i went over there to say goodbye to my son..at first she was a little cold and made a few snide remarks, but when i just plain ignored them, she changed her tune pretty quickly. she became very upbeat and chatty like nothing had changed between us. its so strange...i just don't get it... still very angry about her lies...will she ever come clean. i think that is one of the things that bothers me the most is that she and i both know she is lying, and the other knows it. i think i atleast deserve that for what she has done to our lives. not sure if i will ever get it... the thing that bothers me the most though is that she did all of this in front of our son...funny thing, when i first got home, i noticed a large shift in his personality. where he was pretty outgoing and carefree, he is know quiet and withdrawn. when i asked her about this, she just said she didn't know why he was going through this...I KNOW WHY, because she was acting like a W!!!!! in front of him..what five year old wouldnt be messed up by that. i dont know if she really hasnt put it together or is just saying that because she knows why but wont tell me... couple of questions for those of you who are more knowledgeable than me. 

I know i made the right move in leaving her but

1. Is she going to try to come back? 
The reason i ask isn't that i want her back (maybe the weaker side of me does a little bit, is that normal?) but i guess i want to be prepared for it. i think if i am prepared, she wont snowball me quite so easily. I really don't think this thing with K is going to last much longer, especially with her having moved out of state. 

2. Is there any way to get her to tell me the truth? 
I think that would provide a little closure for me.

3. What kind of affair does this look like to you? the reason i ask is that i think understanding makes things easier for me to deal with, its how my brain works i guess. i feel like if i understand things, i can (a.) learn from the experience and (b.) it makes it easier to let go...my opinion is this..i think that never having had to take care of our son alone before (she's always had either her mother or me to help) and working a soul sucking job and doing the other numerous tasks it takes to keep a household running, i think she either felt lost and overwhelmed or she felt like she was a failure. i know she suffers from low self esteem, and i think she has been depressed or several months, even prior to me going on deployment. personally, i think she presents a good case for BPD. but thats just me. i think she just wanted something to make her feel good about herself. PLEASE do not think this is my excusing her behavior, for it is without excusal, period. i think this is me turning my emotions off a little bit and trying to figure things out from a point of view that the evidence shows. but please, i am very interested in hearing other opinions. i read other threads on here, and i see how easy it is to seperate the wheat from the chaff so to speak when you have an unbiased opinion. 

another interesting little anecdote from last night. i asked her to text me when she and our son got in from there drive. i worry about him, as i see it, he is still my son and i am not going to withhold my love because his mother doesnt deserve mine. but i digress, she texts me when they get in (around midnite). i say thanks and i am going back to sleep, and "later" as a form of goodbye, goodnite whathave you. she texts me "later..WOW".. i could tell this really pissed her off/hurt her feelings. (i would have never done this while we were together)..i texted her back "what"..like ten min goes by and she texts me back, "whatever..all good"...so i wrote her back "aright" and went back to sleep. i know this got her blood boiling, it felt so good though. i am kinda surprised though that i didn't hear from her today..not hurt, just surprised, being thanksgiving and all. i did not attempt to contact her. 

i guess my next question is what to do from here. should i go 180 as a recovery tool for me. or is there another option i should go with. i don't think that NC is going to be an option. not with having to go through her to at least talk to my son. to be completely honest with you, i think that there is a naughty little side that is quickly emerging that wants to mess with her, to get my emtional shots in while i can. part of me thinks that is wrong, that i should take the high road. but part of me doesn't, and thinks that if i had been more of a d!!! to her before, she wouldnt think she could walk all over me and i either wouldnt be in this mess or i would have been clear of it long ago. 

as for K, he is a little slime bucket who i don't really think is worth the trouble of confronting. well thats not true, but i honestly cant tell you that i would make it through and not choke him till his eyes pop out and have to put him in a ditch somewhere. so i think that he is not worth the trouble i would get in, and even if there was no physical violence, the implications of me acting like that and my career would not be good. besides, in the end, while he shares some of the blame, the lions share goes to my wife. she, not he, violated our marriage. 

thank you for letting me rant on here. i am sure this will be the first few of many. for the past week or so, i have been doing alot better, pain lessening. but after i told her i want a divorce, it really came back hard. i think its because its really real..maybe i am coming to acceptance...dont know i think its good for me to get this out, while i do have people to talk to who are very supportive, i think its good that i write like this in a little more of an organized fashion. 

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE feel free to write me with your thoughts, opinions and advice. all are welcome, even if i dont like them or they are harsh towards me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So lets account for all the fact here:

1. she is now a 2 time married, burnt threw two men, and carrying along a son. She's a real catch this one!

2. She is cheating with a little boy dweeb who's long term career prospects are about as good as the guy working the gas station at midnight on thanksgiving.

3. she is a bald faced liar and cheater.

You've got the chance to upgrade to a good woman in your life, while dweeb is stuck with an old cheating woman, an the old cheating chick is getting more pathetic by the day.

Dweeb is gonna get tired of her and move on to the next skank, and she'll find the only guys who are interested in her are getting worse and worse.

meanwhile, you'll be spending time with a new good woman, who not only can spell morals, but has them too.

The real loser her is your son. He's stuck living around skankzilla.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Implement the 180 for your emotional well being.

You may not have been able to legally adopt your son but depending on the State you live, you may still be subject to child support and thus gain visitation rights. Please seek legal counsel.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I am confused as to what you really want. Do you want D or do you want to exercise 180 to see if you can R if she shows remorse? 

If you have decided on D, then you must detach from her son as well. He is not your son! By divorcing WW, you divorce her son as its natural consequence. Accept this.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

thanks again...
@shaggy, thank for putting things in perspective.. i've been out of town for the last few days, but could still read this on my phone. i've thought alot about what you said, and i agree with you. doesn't make it hurt anyless, but it still helps...
i am adopting 180..period. i know some people do in hopes that it will bring thier partner around, but i don't. can't rather. deep down, i wish there was a way for us to be together, but i think that when i look at it deeper, its more just i wish she hadn't done this to me. i just couldn't look myself in the mirror anymore if i stayed with her. the thing is, i know i would be willing to if she hadn't kept lying to me about it. she knows i know she is feeding me BS, but still does. she has no respect for me... 
@sadcalifornian. the more i think about it, the more i think you are right. especially with her a few states away now, i just don't see how its going to work... 
funny thing happend today. i texted her asking about the house. no hello's, how are you, nothing. just, "have you heard about the house". she writes "wow..no hello, how are you, you doing ok". then proceeds to tell me i am being a jerk. i don't get it. we don't talk for like a week, and after she has done all of this, she is mad because i am not worried about how she is doing...


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

She seems extremely self-centered. A total lack of empathy. I am not an expert in psychology, but isn't this a typical trait of BPD?: I feel so sorry for her son. But, as for you, I think you should just bail. Affair aside, there is something really wrong with her.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

you know, I've been thinking the along the same lines. ive been thinking she may have something like BPD for the last couple of months, but at the very least, she is extremely self centered...as for our son, i am really between a rock and a hard place on that one. the logical side of me says bail, but that poor kid. his bio dad bailed on him, and now i may bail on him too. that makes me feel extremely guilty. i know its not my fault, but i feel guilt all the same. but i am not sure how to get over her any other way besides the fact that her and i are going to butt heads over him constantly....


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

You are truly a man of caring soul. I feel for you and your concern for the son. But, in life, we have to accept to make sacrifice for the bigger good. In this case, you have to sacrifice the son, who after all is not even your bio son, in order to save yourself. 

I know you love your son, but you must love yourself just as much if not more. This may sound cold, but you must detach your feelings for him. Kids are resilient. He will adapt and he will survive in his own way. Of course, it would have been better off for him with a great step dad like you in his life, but trust me he will survive. 

Even BPD mom is not necessarily an abusive mom, although in this case what she exposed her son to is damaging to him. Give her that much credit and work on how to get yourself out of this relationship.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

As of now what is your wife wanting to happen? Why did she decide to move to another state? Did she decide this because you wanted to divorce? Doesn't seem she was too attached to K if she moved two states away. I guess I'm missing something.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Blatantly cheating on your spouse in front of your child seems like a type of child abuse to me. That poor kid has a terrible mother. I think you should consult a lawyer about the possibility of remaining in his life. If you have documentation that you were in the process of adopting him perhaps something can still be done? Maybe her parents could get involved? I'm sure if they knew what she has been up to they would recognize that their grandchild should not remain in her custody. Do you think he could live with them instead? If so, do you think they would be willing to allow you to be involved in his life in any way? He calls you dad, you've been living as his dad, it's obvious you are his father regardless of law or biology. Other people will recognize that and understand the injustice your wife is inflicting on him and you both.

Re: K, if he is in the military you really should report him. His CO needs to know he is the kind of ****head that ****s the wives of deployed soldiers. That's the kind of behavior that drives good men to suicide. You owe your fellow soldiers a heads up.

Re: The wife, what would you do if she confessed and apologized and offered to do whatever it took to get you back? From what you describe she is extremely manipulative and is starting to realize the situation she has put herself in. Don't be surprised if she tries to come crawling back, be prepared.


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

First, sorry you're here; we've all been there and know it hurts.

Second, you have to decide if you are willing to reconcile... or if you want divorce.

If you want to reconcile, she must end the affair now along with all future contact with this guy. The best way to end the affair is to expose it far and wide to everyone who might have influence over your wife and the OM. Right now, she is cake eating: getting some needs met by you, and others by OM. You must make it clear that there isn't room for a 3rd person in a marriage and you won't tolerate it. I made that point to my wife by threatening to file divorce papers Monday morning (it was like Thursday). And I would have. Btw, filing divorce proceedings isn't the same as being divorced, but it sends the clearest message IMO that cake-eating is over and her choices have consequences. The fog lifted quick in my WW with the thought of divorce.

Don't beg, cry, or plead in front of her. Turn back into the alpha male and put your best foot forward. Remind her what she's losing if she chooses to continue contact with OM.

Also, don't stress about the lies...it's normal from a cheating spouse to minimize, lie, and trickle truth for a while. They all do it. Just don't believe anything she's saying now. Actions are what you want anyway.

1. End the affair with a no contact letter. 

2. Set boundaries that are acceptable to you for her return (i.e. full transparency, no contact, passwords, no opposite sex friends, etc.).

3. Commit to putting in the hard work to your marriage.

Best to you man, I know this sucks. You control only you and what you'll tolerate. And you're not alone.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

she moved up to NY(we lived and i still live in VA) to live with her parents. since she is out of the military now, and we are seperated, she has no money... i really dont know what she wants. i think a good chunk of her wants to work it out, but part of her hesitation is the fact that my family knows. i don't think she can swallow her pride enough to ever face them... right before she left, she was still on the fence. thats when i told her i didn't want to work it out. that really hit her hard... I don't really think that she beleived me when i said i didnt want to work it out. i think thats why she was o mad when i wasnt pleasant yesterday... if she did a sudden 180 and did the things she needed to, i still dont know if i could work it out with her. it would take some serious thought. just dont know if i could do it, it just feels like she has zero respect for me, and i dont know if i could get past that. besides the fact that she has done nothing to make this any better... as far as my son, i still don't know. thats really a tough one. we have tried having me call everynight to talk to him in the 2 1/2 months since we have seperated, and it doesnt work very well, she isnt the easiest to work with...what really gets me is how she plays the poor me card. its like she doesnt get that she did this to her life. i dont know if she really believes it, or just says things for sympathy... as far a K, i don't know. i am tempted, really tempted to go to his command. but i am in military law enforcement, so i know how investigations run. i simply don't have any evidence i could put into someones hand and say "here, this proves it". its all stuff i have seen, found and etc, but i didnt print out or keep. i could make his life difficult. i know one of his co-workers, and she is going to slyly ask him about stuff. if he admits something to her, then maybe. if i went to his command right now, i could make his life difficult, but he wouldnt get into trouble... so thats where i am at right now. things suck, but i am making it through. i can at least function. but as of now, i am proceeding in the thought an actions of divorce


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She sounds like a serial liar. Such people will NEVER just tell the truth; they don't know how. 

All you can do is determine under what circumstances you would take her back, tuck that list in the back of your mind, and work on moving forward without her. If she ever contacts you again sounding like she wants to come back, relay to her the changes you will have to see in her before you will consider it. And then just leave it in her court.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

expose the affair to her family if you decide to give her the chance to make right and reconcile. she is likely telling them that you are the problem, and she doesnt know what she did, etc etc. she wont own up to her faults until she cant hide from them. if i were you, i would expose her anyway. she will never change her ways until her her fantasy world gets crushed by reality. the only way for her family to step into the reality of the situation is if you tell them, because she never will. she has a problem, and it is affecting her child. dont give her the option to deny that fact anymore.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

rough day..our second anniversary would have been sunday. sucks...no new drama, just feeling the loss...weird thought crossed my mind today. throughout all of this, i havent cried a tear. not sure what that means. during my first divorce, i cried all the time.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Some say time heals everything. Not sure this applies to everything in life, but I am sure the pain will get easier. It's just sad to see people lose innocence and be hardened through such devastation so unduly early in their lives., Your not sheding tears may be the indication that your heart is the not same this second time around. You have changed. 

I feel the same way too. I think if my next W cheats on me or leaves me for a ridiculous reason, I feel I will be fine emotionally. Just deal with it like business, I guess.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i thought i had changed. but i thought things would be different too. i am handling this one so much different than my first wife(who cheated). well maybe not, emotionaly i think i am. first one, i was pretty much non functioning for a few months... luckly, i had good people around me and my boss understood. this one, i am functioning. you know, i really don't hold anything against my first wife anymore. i think i have forgiven, just not forgotten...but this one, whew, don't know if i will ever get to the forgivness stage. she takes the cake...still lost, still hurts. i think i am just smarter with this one in realizing that its not anything i did or am lacking. that makes it alot easier...this weekend is going to suck...anniversary....ughhh....maybe i will go to the range and get some aggression out.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Yeah, I understand. The thing though is you must try forgiving her, and the sooner the better. Not forgiving her means you keep hating her and that means she still takes up this huge space in your heart. It holds you back from recovery and moving on. 

I am not a forgiving person by a long shot and held a grudge for many years after my divorce. I ended up becoming a resentful and almost an abusive father to my two little kids. Through counseling, I realized it was all because I did not let go of the hatred and resentment for my XW, that was causing all these problems later on in my life. Learned it the hard way. 

Do it for yourself.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

So today is the day...today is my second wedding anniversary.. what should have been a very happy day for me and my wife if she hadn't been a self absorbed B!!!!! and decided to slap some C4 to our marriage and implode it. I feel very, very sad about this. this shouldn't be happening. but i guess i can't bury my head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen... I know this is petty, but i hope she is in as much pain as i am...I have decided several things...

I will not accept her back if she tries to come back. (not sure if she will). theres a part of me that wants her back, but i just couldn't. 

I am not going to be a part of our son's life. as much as i love him, he is not mine and with her living in NY and me in VA, it is just not going to work. she makes no effort to have him contact me, I have to do everything. we experienced this while i was in MI in October visiting my family. I just don't know how to tell her. I want to call her and tell her, but its always 50/50 whether our phone conversations go ok or explode. I've thought about writing her an email, but to me it seems like a cowards way out. not sure...really could use some advice on that one. 

tommorow, i am going to base legal and starting the seperation/divorce paperwork. i can't legaly divorce her until March (state law requires six months seperation) but i can get a start on the paperwork. 

I am not going to expose her affair to her parents or go to "K"s command...i am sure her parents have got the drift of whats happening. I posted something on FB that was vauge enough that not alot of people would get, but they would. i am pretty sure they get it...but to me, going to them and directly telling them is a tactic to get her to end her affair (which i am sure will die soon becuase of her and K's residing in different states now) and that i want her back...as far as K, exposing him to his command would inconvience him, but wouldn't ultimately do him any real harm. i don't have any direct evidence besides my testimony that would convince the CO to take him to NJP. and once again, it is a tactic to get her back...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

With only two years of marriage...you're better off finding someone else who believes in it.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Oh, i forgot to post this...
Two weeks ago, when i told her i didn't want to work things out anymore, you know the first thing out of my wife's mouth was..

"Whats her name?"

How screwed up is that...she thinks that the one thing that pushed me into moving towards divorce is that i met a girl (i didn't) and not all the crap she has pulled as i have mentioned above. can you believe that. then she proceded to tell me that her and her girlfriend (platonic?) from back home(where she just moved to) have been semi jokingly talking about just being in a relationship together....(they are both bi)....can you believe that??? she is supposedly trying to decide if she wants to be with me.....and this friend, she is a piece of work...they have been friends since they were little girls, but this chick has three kids by two different guys...

has kid with man#1- for some reason splits with him
has kid with man#2- for some reason splits with him/gets back with man#1
has kid with man#1-has now split with him...
all this before she is 28..oh and coincidently, she is the only one of my wifes friends that knows about the affair....a piece of work huh?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Crazy, it's like she is going out of her way to validate your decision to cut her loose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> Oh, i forgot to post this...
> Two weeks ago, when i told her i didn't want to work things out anymore, you know the first thing out of my wife's mouth was..
> 
> "Whats her name?"
> ...


You messed up. Two things:

1. The correct answer to that question is "You."
2. Don't listen when she talks about anything personal. Hang up. Its only about the divorce.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

shaggy, i think you are right...i've been with her for almost three years now, and i never saw anything like this in her behavior before...its like something broke in her head..or maybe she got bodysnatched and replaced by something evil...i think that would be easier to deal with actualy 
tall guy...yup, you are absolutely right...she can kiss my a**


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

More likely she was just 'on' for you to get what she wanted. Which is obviously all she knows how to do with men.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

yeah you are right...and even though we arent really speaking, i just have the feeling that the drama isn't done yet...


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