# I think my husband is cheating on me with his brother's wife



## Chinkyanne (May 25, 2016)

Hi there,

Please someone enlighten me if my husband is indeed cheating on me with his brother's wife. I've been noticing since last year that husband is extremely close with his brother's wife. There were times that I checked my husband's phone and chat and I saw how she sends sweet messages to him like " I miss you..so so much" or " wish we can talk" See she lives in another country and we often visit my husband's family. I mean is this something normal? I find it very strange because I wouldn't say that to my brother in law. There was one time that my husband visited his family without me and our kids and Now I'm thinking something could have happened to them. This woman's messages are so flirty. There was one time she said I love u but I thought it could just be a sisterly love because she is more or less 20 years older than my husband. Was I being naive?

My gut says that something fishy is going on but I don't know to what extent. Please someone give me their two cents about my situation.

I appreciate it. Thanks.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

The first advice around here is to gather evidence without confronting until you know for sure.

The typical reaction of a cheater is to bury everything and you'll never find out. If he is cheating and you confront early, you may never find the truth. Not knowing really eats away at people so don't go down that road.

Start here: Standard Evidence Post. Weightlifter wrote the post aimed at a husband thinking his wife is cheating but most of it isn't gender specific.


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## Chinkyanne (May 25, 2016)

I screen shot their conversation but he has another phone that is password protected. I thought I knew his password but I think he recently changed it. 

I'm very confrontational and if I'm not feeling right I usually say what I think and feel. 

Do you think those kind of messages are unsual right? I mean saying "I miss you so much" and " wish we can talk" is not a typical thing to say to your husband's brother.

Thanks for your advice.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'd really start with the VAR in the car and anywhere else he might talk in privacy. Getting in the phone is harder. Getting him on a voice recorder is the low hanging fruit before you try the harder stuff like cracking the phone. If the second phone is a work phone, rule that out (illegal on top of very hard to do).

Again, don't confront until its a beyond smoking gun. Something like "I really liked effing you and can't wait until we do it again." Anything short of that will just turn into some song and dance where he gaslights you into it being just a misunderstanding.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might just be a flirty person.

She might send such messages to everyone in her family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chinkyanne (May 25, 2016)

Thank you I will look into VAR. I believe they mainly talk or chat using apps like Viber and What's App. That's where I saw her messages. I checked on his call logs and I didn't find anything there. Again, this woman is overseas. It is possible that they talk when he is at work and it is impossible for me to put VAR in his office.

Thanks again.


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## Chinkyanne (May 25, 2016)

She should find someone else to flirt with. She has no shame if she's like that to the men in the family. It's still inappropriate.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your user name seems a bit... odd.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Hi,

You have a gut feel, it can go both ways, but a gut feel can mean there might be something... I had a gut feel on my ws long before there were evidence to gather. I probably started snooping months, found nothing, but I had a gut feel on one certain guy. Low and behold it was him and her... Snoop and monitor without being caught, and do not go into crazy mode...


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Your user name seems a bit... odd.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:chinese::chinese:

What is so odd about it?

It gave me a chance to use a neglected emoji.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

Tell her older brother. I'm sure they will have a very cordial dialogue about it, and by that, I mean the older brother will throw his cheating wife out.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> :chinese::chinese:
> 
> What is so odd about it?
> 
> It gave me a chance to use a neglected emoji.


OMG Kristin, that is so funny. I too wondered how and when it would ever be appropriate to use that emoji. You found it first. :smile2:


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

I was burned in Family Affair and belive me it was the worst thing ever happend to me. So many people got hurt. 

I didnt do anything for a while because I trusted them and I was naive. 

Do your "homework" and check his accounts,buy some vars and place them in your house and his car. Contact your brother in law and speak with him. When you decide to speak with your Husband let him know this behaviour needs to stop. This is hurting you and if he cares about you he will stop it. 

I wish there is nothing going on. 
Stay strong.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

What was you H's response to her?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Your user name seems a bit... odd.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I was gonna say....


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## Chinkyanne (May 25, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> What was you H's response to her?



When she said miss you, he replied "Can't wait" we're visitng them this summer.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

@weightlifter

Please, see the Standard Evidence Thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Do not confront. If you are wrong, the effect would be devastating. If you are right, you will be met with denials and it will go further underground.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Chinkyanne said:


> I screen shot their conversation but he has another phone that is password protected. I thought I knew his password but I think he recently changed it.
> 
> I'm very confrontational and if I'm not feeling right I usually say what I think and feel.
> 
> ...


 Add in that this "woman's messages are so flirty. There was one time she said I love u" and this is definitely improper behavior. That being said, it may not mean that they they are having an emotional affair (EA) or a physical affair (PA), but have allowed an inappropriate relationship to have developed. If there is nothing else and no history of cheating, I would give them the benifit of the doubt and just tell them to stop, as they may not know that they are crossing a boundary with you. If you have not discussed marital boundaries with your spouse, now would be a good time. As and example, when years ago I called out both my wife and brother on mild inappropriate behavior, both of them were apologetic, explained that they thought it was OK because they viewed each other as brother and sister, and immediately stopped the behavior forever for no other reason than it made me uncomfortable. There was no confrontation, as they both recognized my feelings and acknowledged that the relationship between me and my wife was the primary concern, and that their relationship was secondary. Their relationship remained strong while also respectful of our boundaries. 

I would only get concerned if either one of them takes issue with stopping, and tries to play the cheaters card of calling you jealous and controlling; at that point I would go dark and investigate as suggested by others.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would send the screen shots of what you have to your B I L and ask if he knows anything about this. Would not hurt to come at this from two sides, Let him check on his wife's end as you check out your H.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Even if this was only a friendship it's already way over the line. You and his brother need to nip this in the bud. Pronto.


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