# Help...My Wife Is Disconnected



## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Here is my original thread from back in May:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/1350-need-advice-woman-s-perspective.html

The issue we are having is that my wife is disconnected from me, friends and my family. She does have contact with her family, but very little. Things had gotten better over the summer but have headed south again. :scratchhead: We don't argue or fight, but there is no passion, love, or sex in our marriage. BTW, today is our 17th anniversary, and still NOTHING!

I do want our marriage to work by I am tired of being so unhappy in it and think I deserve better out of life. I plan on talking to my counselor for further advice (haven't seen him in a few months), and then plan on telling my wife we either need help in our marriage or I need to move on.

My question is: could she be having an affair, an EA, or something else when she is so disconnected??? She doesn't appear to be depressed but I do not understand why she is so disconnected. Thanks in advance.

Paul


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Is it possible that she suffers from seasonal depression?

draconis


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Paul said:


> Here is my original thread from back in May:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/1350-need-advice-woman-s-perspective.html
> 
> ...



Dear Paul,

did you sit down with your wife and simply have a talk with her and ask her directly whats the matter with her, and why she is so disconnected with you and if she wants out of the marriage and what you can do to help her?

I think you should try. She is the alone one who knows why she feel and act as she does towards you.
Just ask her and ask for real answers. f she says "I dont know" tell her to make an effort and try to know..
Its been a long time now and she cant excpect you to accept having such a dead marriage and being ignored by her, and given a feeling of being out.
If she is also like that for your marriage anniversary then its really bad.
Why dont you use this anniversary to ask her that, Paul?

You mentioned your fear that she is having an affair. Any reason why you should think that? Is she being late at work? Having phone calls who could make you think that?
Ask her about it too.

If there is no love in your marriage, then talk with her about it and file for divorce. There is no reasons for you to pull up with a dead marriage and stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. If she doesnt give you any satisfactory answer, then it simply mean that love is dead, and that its time for both of you to move on.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

draconis said:


> Is it possible that she suffers from seasonal depression?
> 
> draconis


:iagree:

Sounds like depression to me. and especially b/c you said she got better over the summer. it might have nothing to do with you.


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

I dont think it is. Winter depression stop long before sommer and do not looks like that, beside he said that she wasnt depress in anyway. So it cant be that.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Thanks for your responses. I agree w/Ashley, I don't think it is seasonal depression because this issue has been ongoing through all seasons. Being today is our anniversary, I am reluctant to bring anything up...maybe I am a chicken?

I'll keep you posted.

Paul


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## Ashley (Oct 21, 2008)

Thanks Paul, we will be here to help you. 
But bring that subject up to her, tomorrow then. 
Something is definitly wrong with her, she detached herself not only from you but from her family.
Are you sure nothing happened to her, that she didnt talk to you about?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Paul,

I would recommend taking her to see the movie Fireproof if it is playing anywhere near you. I found it to be somewhat scripted/cheesy but the message about giving to your spouse within the marriage was very strong and depicted where many marriages end up over time if you don't stay connected.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

Thanks again guys for your support. I did bring the issue(s) up Sunday evening and we had a big blowup! I asked her if she was mad at me and why we do not feel emotionally close to each other? The only answer I got was that she gets mad at me for not letting the dogs out often enough and she has to do it (we have 2 wiener dogs)

To me, that is a very trivial issue and I will take my turn more to help that issue. Otherwise, I got no answers  I suggested we need to see a marriage counselor and her response was we can just talk to each other instead. 

This week so far she acts like nothing happened and we haven't discussed anything further. It's just so weird...I wish we could get to the bottom of it so we can move on.

Anyhow, I am having an appt. with my counselor on Tuesday and go from there. Somehow life needs to get better (hopefully with her) or with someone else. Wish me luck!

Thanks Again,
Paul


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

*Re: Help...My Wife Is Disconnected...UPDATED*

Sorry, I forgot to update the title. No progress made yet because I guess I am avoiding any confrontation until after I get some input from my counselor.

Paul


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Paul said:


> The only answer I got was that she gets mad at me for not letting the dogs out often enough and she has to do it


She's really pissed about something else. It could be something you havent been doing over a long period of time, or one event that was important to her. Whatever it was she's really hurt by it and so she's giving up on you.



Paul said:


> To me, that is a very trivial issue and I will take my turn more to help that issue.


she picked a trivial issues b/c its 'safe.' she can express her pain and not become completely vulnerable to you. If i was you i wouldnt take it as trivial. I'd act like it was some huge thing you've been neglecting, b/c i think that's what she's really talking about.

Either that or she's hiding something that she's done.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

it sure doesn't sound like a DOA marriage to me. go to the website Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram and poke around a bit.

one thing i've learned (maybe too late) is that sometimes a woman will tell you there's nothing wrong, and you just gotta believe it. ragging her for an answer that's not there doesn't help.

counseling for you is fine. don't believe everyone that says you both hafta be in counseling to make a difference. your changes can make a drastic difference.


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## Paul (May 26, 2008)

ljtseng,

I think you hit the nail on the head! I have been thinking the same thing too recently, that she is upset about something else and is "safe" using the "not taking the dogs out often enough" as an excuse.

This past week has been better and we had a good weekend together. However, we haven't really talked about the whole "blowup" thing and it's like it never happened. I'll keep you posted. Thanks again.

Paul


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