# stay or go?



## resentful (Dec 7, 2009)

This is hard for me to talk about so please bear with me. I have been with my husband for 16 years and we have been married for 12. We have a 14 year old daughter. For the last 3-4 years my husband has shut me out in an emotional way. We are just not close anymore. Just recenetly we have been getting into huge fights and have been bringing the possibility of divorse into our arguments. I told him that if he dose not stop shuting me out that it would just drive me away. Now after I told him that he seems to be trying to make things better but it does not feel real. It feels like he is just doing it to make me stay and I don't think it will last. If anyone has some advice that could help me I would realy like that.


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## JMAN777 (Dec 4, 2009)

Not sure what would be helpful but I feel your pain with my counterpart shutting me out emotionally and now becoming resentful as well. Counseling helped to clarify issues for us but it hasn't really changed much yet. My opinion is that this has to go both ways and eventually he has to be willing to compromise and know that he cannot continue with that behavior indefinitely as it is not sustainable.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

It takes time to change things to make old habits different, sometimes one of you has to do more than the other, slowly be the one and in time he will see your attempt as a new and exciting part of you and then feel differently about you. It's worth a try, it won't feel right at first but you can get there again, it's worth it, you married him for a reason, sometimes we get our backs about our own issues that we are closed to anything positive, it only takes one person to turn things around, maybe this is your turn.....think about the alternative and your daughter


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The change will take many months to harvest.

If your husband is willing to do the work. Make your marriage the number one priority-before kids/work/etc. (I believe in making God number 1, and marriage 2 but I don't know your background).

Get some counseling (a good one that is pro marriage).

Read some self help books together and discuss. There are many good ones (there is a thread that listed some well read ones). 

Being a new activity together. 

Just some suggestions.


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## resentful (Dec 7, 2009)

thanks for all the advise but I have suggested counseling and doing something new. He just says that I am the one who needs help and he does not. Whenever I suggest doing anything he just says no and he is happy sitting at home and watching tv, eating dinner and then going to bed. It's funny the holidays are almost here and I am not looking forward to the long weekends.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Is there any reason that you can gather for his closed nature of late?
Is he even willing to talk about it at all?
This is essential, because after helping yourself with counselling and all the books, if he hasn't changed for a particular unresolved reason then your marriage won't either.
I hope he's strong enough to talk about both of your feelings.
All the best.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

maybe you have to be the one to change things, you can try without him, little touches, little kisses, little conversations not to heavy and see if things change, tell him you will not quit on the marriage and you won't until he is gone, see if it makes a difference, sometimes it just takes one to change the old habits, like one of the doctor's on TV says, every situation needs a hero, what can it hurt, he might respond right away but in time he might just notice the extra effort and reciprocate......It's Xmas give it a go......what do you have to lose, you loved him or love him now, it's worth a try. My husband is moving on in the new year and I wish the 2 of us had tried something instead of just accepting what was happening..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

resentful said:


> I told him that if he dose not stop shuting me out that it would just drive me away.


If he's shutting you out, then he doesnt want to be close to you. He's intentionally pushing you away. that can only mean that being close to you does not feel good to him anymore. so what changed? because where he is at right now feels good.


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