# Question for the ladies: Horny vs Self-conscious



## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

My wife is very self conscious about her body, for no reason really. She looks fine and is a normal weight for her height. Prior marriage she would show herself nude on occasion but was still somewhat reserved. She did say she was trying to get over it. But since marriage that was no longer on the to-do list. She is so self conscious and negative about her physique that it is just a big turn off for me. We have very limited sex now, for years it was due to her excuses but now I just don't really care to have sex with her. It's no longer fun, exciting, natural etc. I also wonder if she even gets horny or turned on. I think she just has sex to benefit me.

My question is would she be this self conscious if she was truly horny? I consider being horny like being drunk. You may think or do things you wouldn't normally think or do otherwise. I know when I am turned on I could consider doing many things (within reason!). Especially if it is intimate and sensual.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

If you want to know if she ever gets horny, just ask her. 
It's likely she doesn't if she's that self conscious. 

There was a good long thread about this recently ylou should read. When this last hit wears off I'll remember it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

As You Wish said:


> When this last hit wears off I'll remember it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> LOL


I was laying out by the pool. Lol H's 30 year HS reunion is tonight and I wanted to get a little sun while he swam laps. 

Anyway, the thread was in the Men's Clubhouse and it was by a woman who is very self cOnscious. I thought it would give the OP some insight into why she mightvbe feeling that way. It was called something like "does he really want to see me naked." And I'd link to it but I'm on my phone now and it's smarter than I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Haha I thought you meant you were smoking a joint and too stoned to post the link.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It sounds like she suffers from body dysmorphia, and yes, that can inhibit sexual feelings.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> I think it's possible she is very horny, but the negative crap she has going through her mind allows her to suppress it.


:iagree:

Yep, yep ... her desire may have to go through so many filters of suppression that it just can't see the light of day. 

Poor body image is such an insidious destroyer of so many good things in a person's life, not the least of which is the person's self-esteem and self-worth... and they kill off those good things themselves by constantly playing and listening and *believing* the negative feedback loop they allow to play relentlessly in their head.

In order to get past it, she will have to be the one to work toward that end. I suppose you see no traction on her part to do so?


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

That was my thread...being self-conscious can put a huge damper on sexual feelings. I wound up feeling that I didn't deserve to wear lingerie, be naked, act sexy if I didn't look the part.

Although, inside I had strong urges, I found it tough to be comfortable in my own skin & be uninhibited enough to freely enjoy being overtly sexual, but it's what I wanted.
It's like I had the impression that I needed to look perfect in order to be desirable. That alone hurt my confidence big-time.
I've spent loads of time working on that & have come a LONG way..My outward behavior now more closely matches my inward desire. I feel so much better! 

Personally, if I'm aroused enough, that will trump my body issues & I just go for it..assuming certain parts are camouflaged well enough, ha!
So we actually do have a great sex-life.. We are both very enthusiastic & adventurous.
It just took me some time to get more comfortable with myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

I glanced over some of your other threads and seems like you want lots of sex and get almost none from your wife.

You have to either talk to her and stop beating around the bush(you have been here for 3 years asking for advice and solved nothing) or leave and find someone who wants to have sex with you.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I have body reservations and I shouldn't at all. But my husband is the best he is sure to love on every part of me, seek me out when he knows I'm changing and not all spruced up to tell me I'm sexy and gives specific things that turn him on. He even says he likes my scars fom childbirth, says they are tiger stripes....he knows I am slf conscious about them...but I am only 5 5 and 147...but I get over it because I wnt to. One has to want to get past it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

NewM said:


> I glanced over some of your other threads and seems like you want lots of sex and get almost none from your wife.
> 
> You have to either talk to her and stop beating around the bush(you have been here for 3 years asking for advice and solved nothing) or leave and find someone who wants to have sex with you.


I agree. I come here to find some logical answer but don't get what I'm looking for. I want to have the dreaded conservation but I know it will blow up and could mark the beginning of the end. And that road is a road that scares me. 

From past experience she will shut me out, won't talk and just put up a wall. She'll also likely turn the issue around on me; based on past experience when I hint I'm not happy or we get into an argument.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

karma*girl said:


> That was my thread...being self-conscious can put a huge damper on sexual feelings. I wound up feeling that I didn't deserve to wear lingerie, be naked, act sexy if I didn't look the part.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I actually read that thread. The difference is you know you have an issue and need to address it. My wife hasn't tried to address it since before marriage.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Hurra said:


> I agree. I come here to find some logical answer but don't get what I'm looking for. I want to have the dreaded conservation but I know it will blow up and could mark the beginning of the end. And that road is a road that scares me.
> 
> From past experience she will shut me out, won't talk and just put up a wall. She'll also likely turn the issue around on me; based on past experience when I hint I'm not happy or we get into an argument.


You don't need logical answer,what you need is to tell yourself what is your boundary,are you ok with sexless marriage or not?
So far you have been showing your wife that you are ok with sexless marriage with being afraid to tell her(and when you tell her letting her brush it off like it is not a big deal).

If you are not ok with sexless marriage you need to tell her that ,not let her brush it off like its no big deal,and if she doesn't want to fix that you will have to divorce her because *you aren NOT ok with sexless marriage*.

If she cares about you she will start fixing it after you tell her you can't live like that anymore and will divorce her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It is monumentally impossible to deal with someone who puts up a commuication WALL and refuses to look at themselves & their issues, the only recourse you have is to CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR towards her - to where she will be distressed enough to come after you, asking what is wrong....to be in the position to truly want to change the dynamics of these things, listen to you -with a renewed interest for change. 

Talking it out & agreeing to work on it-because you love & want to please your spouse....would sure be a site easier -but some are blockheads. (sorry couldn't help saying that). ....We can't beat them into submission, all the expressing in the world will fall on deaf ears & a closed heart when they feel they are RIGHT & you are infringing or expecting too much. Seems to be her attitude. 

But you are 1/2 of this Union... If you feel you can no longer accept the way your intimate life has become....you have a right to commuincate this as clearly & as lovingly as possible -without excuse.......she needs to know what is eating you up inside... have you ever thought about writing your feelings out... take your time to express how important these things are for you, what it could do for you had she just started working with you on some of this, baby steps....how much you love her, desire her, admitting some of your shortcomings in there as well...and a willingness to work on some things she might want FROM YOU . Gotta keep it humble and fair...after all. So she sees your willingness to make changes as well. 

It's like this...when the day comes where you can't express your wants, needs and desires to your spouse..... this IS a surefire road to Resentment .....a place neither wants to venture. Maybe it has already set in, you made mention you have been dealing with this since BEFORE you were married. In her mind, she might be feeling...he married me THIS WAY... why does he want me to change...and she is stuck there..feeling justified. But we all need to grow together, or we grow apart. 

She needs a new mindset...but she has to be open to it....to WANT it, see value in the change. 

I was once repressed, then awakened in this very area.... I read somewhere when you are repressed, you don't realize it is happening, it is all you know. Which is really a shame, you have to realize this is WRONG THINKING and push yourself to re-program your mind in these areas. That is her challenge. 

With me, I just wanted everything in the dark, or dim lighting, I was embarrassed like a little school girl for my husband to see me naked....for years upon years, I even used to laugh about it ... he never pushed, just let me have my way, this didn't do us much favors either... as I might have come out of my shell much earlier. He just worked to get me aroused (never too hard ) -put up with the vanilla darkness.... once he got me going...well yeah.. it is like becoming DRUNK I suppose...you loose all those inhibitions and it just flows like wine.


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## thegatewalker (Apr 29, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It is monumentally impossible to deal with someone who puts up a commuication WALL and refuses to look at themselves & their issues, the only recourse you have is to CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR towards her - to where she will be distressed enough to come after you, asking what is wrong....to be in the position to truly want to change the dynamics of these things, listen to you -with a renewed interest for change.
> 
> Talking it out & agreeing to work on it-because you love & want to please your spouse....would sure be a site easier -but some are blockheads. (sorry couldn't help saying that). ....We can't beat them into submission, all the expressing in the world will fall on deaf ears & a closed heart when they feel they are RIGHT & you are infringing or expecting too much. Seems to be her attitude.
> 
> ...



Gaia wants to know where your pics are
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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