# Hating housechores but had to do it.



## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Right now I am so upset that my husband makes me feel like I am incompetent. And I do feel like I am ever since being a housewife and not working. I wanted to start working and not thinking about cooking, laundry, keeping the house clean and taking care of my baby. Sometimes I feel like I was male before I was born a female. 

I hate housework and I tried to make myself like it. But it always ended up with me hating it. Got another baby coming along the way so I really can't do much but just sit around and wait for the delivery date. 

Well ladies, my apartment is dirty right now, so I better start cleaning. Thanks for hearing me out.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I hate house chores, too, and nothing can make me like it. So, I found ways to prevent having so much to do. I keep everything organized - a place for everything and everything in its place. Instead of setting things down wherever, I put stuff back where it belongs when I finish with it. I keep everything clean - floors, walls, toilet, tub, cabinets, etc. so I don't have major cleaning to do all at once, knowing I won't want to. This way, when the house needs to be picked up, it's never all that big of a job. I have never been a neat freak. I like things clean and organized, but I'm likely to leave the newspaper sprawled on the table after reading it. I have a tendency to drop things on the dining room table when I come in the house, so that almost always needs clearing. My linen closet is neatly folded and organized, but I have laundry to do. Dresser drawers are folded and organized, but dirty clothes are on the bedroom floor. The kitchen floor is swept and mopped, but the carpets in the house need vacuuming. One bathroom is clean, but the other one needs Mr. Clean to come and do it LOL. 

My point is to create some kind of system that works for you so you don't have the whole house and all the laundry to do at the same time. Work on one room a day or two rooms a day. The fact is, house cleaning has to be done no matter your occupation. If you worked, you'd still have to clean up and do laundry. Wrap your head around that and see if you can muster a better attitude about it. It makes no sense to say in so many words " whether I work a job or not, I prefer to be a slob." I know that's not what you meant, but it's what you're saying in essence. Sounds like you are bored and unhappy. Consider counseling to help you work through what is bothering you.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Have you had a look at Flylady's site? (FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home).
Lots of tips for reluctant cleaners! I particularly like her tip of using a timer to go at a job for 15 minutes, going as fast as you can.
If you persevere you will find that once you get over the hurdle of getting organised, it all gets easier to maintain.
Good luck!


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> It makes no sense to say in so many words " whether I work a job or not, I prefer to be a slob." I know that's not what you meant, but it's what you're saying in essence. Sounds like you are bored and unhappy. Consider counseling to help you work through what is bothering you.


Well, maybe I am bored and just unhappy. Since I basically run to the grocery with my 1yr baby once/twice a week while being pregnant, cook about 3x a week, laundry almost every other day, vacuum maybe twice/week, wash dishes everyday, throw out trash 2-3/week, sweep/mop, and deep clean the two restroom on occasion. 

Plus taking care of my baby that I haven't even list. But to feel like it's a burden to do it and wishing that I can be the man of the house just working and bringing home the money is a complaint that I wish that I didn't want to think of in the first place. 

We women had to multi-task and the men had one thing in their mind: work and go home. I think I am burnt to the point I feel like quitting everything all at once.


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Willow, thanks for the site. I think I should find a fun way to clean the house. Like that, I wouldn't want to switch my role with my husband.


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## fcc (Apr 13, 2010)

i would say if you are pregnant you shouldn't have to do so much work to begin with. Why isn't your husband helping you with some stuff?? Being pregnant is hard enough i think that you shold get a break from everything else. Get you husband to help you with the little stuff. atleast wash his own dishes, and do his own laundry....


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

I am with you completely.....and I dont think you need counseling over housework. Truth is there's nothing really that makes housework "fun"- it just is what it is.... I too am looking for a job and have a little dude running all over the place. And there is always something to be cleaned. 

With you being pregnant, I think you definitely deserve some help around the house from your husband.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I hear what you are saying, but even if you were single with no responsibilities toward your husband and kids, worked full time, and made good money....you would STILL be responsible for cleaning, laundry, cooking and general upkeep. It's life; there is NO way around it. I've been on BOTH sides of the coin, and neither is easy...they both require sacrifices, and at times, they BOTH suck. 
Currently, my H is the stay at home parent, I work FT, go to school PT in grad school...and we both share in the household responsibilities. He sucks at laundry, so I do most of the laundry...I do the budget/bills, I am the one who usually does the correspondence when things need to be done with the mortgage or utility companies. He takes care of the kids during the day, goes to Dr. appointments, meals, cleans, yard work, etc...but he is the lucky one who also gets to go to the park during the day with the boys, plays with them, calls and tells me the funny things they say...I miss all of that. Pregnancy is hard, parenting is hard, being a housewife is hard, being the sole provider is hard...it is ALL hard at times. It's your perspective that can either make it easier or make it that much more harder.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Housework blows. We have 3 kids and the Mrs. and I both work and she attends school for her Doctorate (and she is pregnant with a 4th). Last thing either of us want to do is clean.

Even though your husband works, he still helps make the mess. Since you don't work I do agree you need to do the lions share, he still should help out. Have him do the vacuuming and moping or do dishes, etc.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I love a clean,neat house but hate housework, so I just do not let it get bad--then it is never so overwhelming to tackle. That may seem easier said than done, b/c getting it nice to begin with can be overwhelming. Just reclaimed my house after my divorce, over 6 mo ago. Ex was a slob and had no respect for my need for an orderly home--huge marital issue (and not just a few minor differences).

So, ask for household help as a baby gift if anyone asks. Or a "home organizer," someone who comes in and helps you get it all sorted out right so it is easier to deal with.

And learn to throw out stuff. Yep, it's a shame you can't donate all that stuff you know you should, but if it's between saving crap you don't need with the idea you will donate it some day (and having no room in the house b/c of it) or tossing it, toss it. Esp. if you are going to stop with 2 kids. I've spent days throwing out stuff that was supposed to be donated but got too old/out of date/not safe anymore/etc, etc, etc. 

The less you have, the easier it is to clean and keep clean. 

And when you feel you can after baby #2, start looking for part-time work, even if from home. It's a great outlet!! I am with you on not particularly enjoying to full time mom thing; I loved working and did it part time even with little kids at home.


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Mommybean said:


> Currently, my H is the stay at home parent, I work FT, go to school PT in grad school...and we both share in the household responsibilities. He sucks at laundry, so I do most of the laundry...I do the budget/bills, I am the one who usually does the correspondence when things need to be done with the mortgage or utility companies. He takes care of the kids during the day, goes to Dr. appointments, meals, cleans, yard work, etc...but he is the lucky one who also gets to go to the park during the day with the boys, plays with them, calls and tells me the funny things they say...I miss all of that. Pregnancy is hard, parenting is hard, being a housewife is hard, being the sole provider is hard...it is ALL hard at times. It's your perspective that can either make it easier or make it that much more harder.


You had it really tough Mommybean but you're a strong woman and I really admired that. It is HOW we looked at it ... I wanted to blame on my hormones but needless to say, deep inside I know it's something that I myself need to change. 

Though I did all the housework ... my DH also did his fair share. And for that, I love him and felt guilty that I am even complaining. 

So thank you all for all your wonderful advices. I prayed that God will bless me with the talent of a good housewife/mother. ray:


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

SweetiepieMI said:


> .....and I dont think you need counseling over housework.


Read my statement again, please. I can't imagine anyone suggesting counseling for housework.

Connie, you need to decide for yourself who you are. It sounds like you are allowing your husband to define and control you. You are doing way too much and if he feels you are incompetent, that is his problem. But you are allowing him to make you feel incompetent and are busy trying to live up to the standards that HE set for you. You complained of disliking housework and so on. I took your complaint as just that but could also sense you are unhappy. Then you explained more. It is clear you are unhappy, but anyone is unhappy with a controlling husband. Stop trying to be everything he says you are supposed to be. Stand up for yourself and give him his own list of chores and errands. What makes either of you think he is supposed to define your role, tell you what to do, and then criticize you for not being his windup doll and eveready rabbit? You definitely need counseling.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Connie said:


> We women had to multi-task and the men had one thing in their mind: work and go home. I think I am burnt to the point I feel like quitting everything all at once.


You have two things going on here:

1. You incorrectly believe that men have simple lives that doesn't include housework.

and

2. You are depressed about your lot in life.

People have given you good advice about organizing the house and simplifying the chore of maintaining things.

You mention that you have a baby and another on the way. Have you told your ob/gyn about your depressed state of mind? You could have postpartum depression.

Please seek professional opinion about that.


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

I felt as if I have postpartum depression but is there such thing as being severe or not. Because I'm not like this all the time and I sure don't want to start on any postpartum medication. 

Yesterday, my husband told me to feed my son apple and fruits for nutritions. Today, he told me that I need to cook carrots for his eyesight. Well, I snapped and told him that there is baby food on the shelf. And do I really need to do the extra work here?!!! I then told him to go cook it himself. And I will feed our son. 

Well, he went right after that and bought the stuff for my son and is about to cook for him right now. For his child, he would do that but now I feel for me, there is no room. So I figure that I must have some kind of crisis to really bring one problem after another. Like my mind is finding faults in everything when I'm down. But like I say, I'm not always like this. I'm a very happy person but every since this 2nd pregnancy, things just go downhill. I guess my next options is really to ask for help.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Seriously, you really do need help, and it has been long enough for you check into it by now. What are you waiting for? You need individual counseling to help you figure yourself out, and you need marriage counseling because your husband is busy trying to push you over the edge. That man is not your father. Stop acting like he is your father. Stop allowing him to treat you as if he is your father. If your son is to be fed freshly-cooked foods, then that is for the two of you to decide together, not him telling you what to do. He can do it himself like he's doing now, or he can sit down and discuss your son's diet with you.

Now you feel left out? Why? Left out of what? His tirade?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It sounds like you need medical help, like NOW. 

Aside from that, I often hear that we should do what is important to us, and let the other spouse do what's important to him. And then agree on the rest. If your husband is really into all-natural healthy food for the baby, if it's that important to him, by all means, let him prepare that food! That just gives you time to do something else that's more important to you.

As for not liking housework, be creative. Find a co-op or start one. If you like to, say, crochet, offer to make afghans for other SAHM's for two hours of house cleaning, something like that.


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> Now you feel left out? Why? Left out of what? His tirade?


First of all, thank you sincerely for just being there to comfort me. As for my DH ... he did help out after what happened. Concerning your question, at first I feel like my DH loves my son more than me. To a point where he forgets that I am pregnant. I don't know if he is controling or not but he have the tendency to tell me what to do because he got that traits from his mom. His mom always tell him what to do and he always listen and never really talk back. 

So to him, telling me to do things for our son is his way of showing love. And at times he tell me to eat blueberries and etc for my health. He is a wonderful father but sometimes he forgets the wife that he had. *smile* So that is the reason for me feeling left out. Seriously, I need to adjust to the fact that we are starting a family. And it should be a moment to enjoy. 

For now, on my next appt ... I will definitely talk to my OBGYN about my symptoms. Thank you again. *hug*


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## Connie (Jun 18, 2010)

Willow said:


> Have you had a look at Flylady's site? (FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home).
> Lots of tips for reluctant cleaners! I particularly like her tip of using a timer to go at a job for 15 minutes, going as fast as you can.
> If you persevere you will find that once you get over the hurdle of getting organised, it all gets easier to maintain.
> Good luck!


Willow, thank you sooo soo much for the website. *hug* I can't thank you enough. I'm actually ENJOYing the housechores. It's getting a little addicting to the point that I forget to cook. But that didn't leave me any guilt since I am proud of my shiny sink. *smile*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lol, I never got past the shiny sink. 

Hey, when he tells you to eat your blueberries or whatever, make a POINT of touching his arm, looking him right in the eyes, and saying something like "Honey, I love you, but when you give me instructions I feel like a child. Please don't do that any more."

You need to start pointing it out to him before you drown in resentment, with him none the wiser.


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