# What to do..



## grlboygrlboy (Mar 4, 2021)

Married for 28 years. 4 kids all grown and out of house....

Background... sorry long post. We been married 28 years and have had problems off and on during marriage on both sides with infidelity and alcohol abuse on his side. We kept at it to work it out for the kids. He is an alcoholic but he doesn't think he have a problem. He says he can stop any time he wants and he will stop for a while then something will happen and set him off again. First time I found out he cheated on me was early in marriage. He said it was just one time with a prostitute. I forgave him. Couple of years down the road he started drinking heavily. He would be drunk by 2 PM. At the time we had our own business (towing) and he would be drunk to take calls. I was a stay at home mom taking care of 3 little kids all under 5 years. We could not pay bills because he wasn't bringing money. At the same time while drunk he would watch history channel shows night and day non stop. He would pass out. This went on for few months. I felt neglected in every way. This was back in early days of internet and I started playing online card game where I found a friend I could talk to. I was tired of constant drinking and belittling me so I left home for couple days so I could think. After 2 days I went back home because of kids. He tried to stop drinking or at least not as much. I stopped sharing things and feelings with my friend. Few months later we were down the same road. We had moved to another state. We closed the business and he got a regular job that had steady income and insurance. We were having rough patch at this time and I got pregnant with 4th child and we decided to keep trying to work on things. After working hard for a year or two we were back to being happy family. We bought a house and all things seemed like were great after terrible dozen years. All thru this I was told to stay home and take care of kids and house. I even homeschooled kids for a while til they got to be in and things were getting harder for me to teach them. I did everything that I was told to do. In June 2020 last of the kid left home and I had nothing to do so I decided to look for part time job after 28 years of marriage. on Dec 28th 2020 I accidently discovered that he had been seeing someone. I confronted him on Dec 31st. He first denied then came clean said it was just a happy endings at a massage parlor he went to. I also found out that he bought her a Christmas gift of Coach purse. He also bought me coach purse for Christmas. When I found out I told him to take his gift back and return it. He keeps saying hers was knock off and mine was the real deal etc ect. He promised to stop seeing her and contacting her. I again forgave him and I found out a month later that he had gotten a 2nd prepaid phone and he was still in touch with her and seeing her and texting/sexting her. He also blamed me for seeing her because I was not giving him enough sex. For the last few years I have been going thru menopause and got diagnosed with lot of health problems. On top of that 3 of our kids came out as trans/ and non binary. Also his mom came to live with us for last year and half as her husband passed away and she could not support her self. So we were dealing with a lot of things. His solution was to turn to drink. Anyway seeing him drinking again in middle of the day trying to talk to his employees in that state, his reaction to kids coming out and all took a toll and I realized that we have come to a place in our lives that I can't respect him any more and I don't love him. I do care for him as he is the father to my kids. He tells me I am mean, selfish and other name callings when he is really drunk and mad at me. I want to leave him but because I never worked I have no way to support my self. I feel trapped. I also am worried that if I leave him he will do something stupid. We have our own business (for last 8 years) and we employ our son and his brother and he will destroy it and their livelihood will be in jeopardy. I am scared to be alone. He told me last night if I didn't have sex with him as often as he wanted he will go see the other gal. I did try to have sex with him last year or so but because I don't respect him and love him it was getting harder to do my wifely duty. I don't know what to do. I self confidence and self worth is shot. Every time he is drunk and mad he will talk about my online friend. Never mentioning his mistakes. When I bring it up he says ya but we are talking about what you did.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Honestly, you should see a lawyer ASAP -- not only familiar with family law, but business law also.
YOU I bet will have part ownership of that business and would get it as part of the divorce. HE would also have to provide alimony.
In the meantime, can you look to see if you could get a job with the skills you have OR look to improve your skills with an eye towards getting a job?
As for THIS: "


grlboygrlboy said:


> He told me last night if I didn't have sex with him as often as he wanted he will go see the other gal.


That's blackmail -- this is just him trying to force you into it. DO NOT give in to this. Tell him if he goes to the other gal, he can stay there.
Also do NOT hide this from everyone -- tell your family and your kids (they are old enough) about what he is doing. You will need the support going forward.

Really sorry you are going through this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Also I think you need to get a job and start to support yourself just so you have options. This will empower you so you don't feel stuck. It's clear he is not a good husband but you are afraid because of the money situation, even if you win in court knowing that you can survive on your own will only help you.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get a job as fast as possible. Get the hell out of that disaster!!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

He gave up being a husband ages ago. He gave you a ton of ways to figure out long-term he was a really, really bad bet. Yet you stayed, maybe doubled-down by having kids, then more kids. You need counseling because it's going to be tough for you to pull the trigger, especially with the family business issues.


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