# Too late to feel Pain and Disgust from Molestation involving a family Member?



## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

*9 Years ago, I was admitted to an Adolescent Youth Facility or as I like to call it.. Mental Health Clinic. I was a young Teenager at that time 14 or 15 I was Bottling up my emotions, and Self Inflicting to Temporarily escape my Pain.. with a Razor I don't know why I did it Sometimes I wanted to die and sometimes I just got a temporary high from watching myself bleed to know I was alive. Of course one night it went too far and was clearly visible. I at that time lived in a home with my Maternal Grandparents, Mother 2 brothers, 2 cousins and Aunt. I Seemed to stay under the radar, My Mother and I never had a perfect relationship and with my grandparents my Cousins and Brothers where always first and I was always last.. While staying at the Clinic for 2 weeks I opened up a bout a lot my mother and father were brought in several times for questions some left unanswered I'll never forget the question my Mother asked my Therapist during one of our meetings.. whats wrong with her? Dr said.. "Mom, your child clearly needs a lot more hugs, and told how important she is a lot more often.. and the bomb was dropped.. Also you and her father can expect the police to be phoning or dropping by your home, we have filed a statement taken from your daughter regarding her relationship with her eldest brother." I can't really remember all the times it happened I just remember clearly the first and last.. It started as young as 6 years old when my mother would work for long hours and dad would leave to go pick up some groceries or things like that.. My brother was old enough to watch my brother and I.. He was 8 years older than me. My brother was always the pervy touchy type, so i always told myself after it happened that this was normal and what brothers and sisters were supposed to do.. I wont go into details about it because its painful for me. Long story short Everyone then knew that day after the meeting what My brother had done to me, he openly admitted to it and cried telling me how sorry he was.. i at the time felt like i had forgiven him through the years I would realize that I practically raised myself from childhood to adulthood Mom was always working and when she did have time for me.. she wanted nothing much to do with me unless it was to her standards and her wants. Dad was in and out of his mind battling mental illnesses and while my Second eldest brother was off with his friends and in church with grandparents id be left with my cousins or other brother. I stared working at a young age and even though it was my duty living with my mom after her and my fathers divorce to pay some money for rent i was always giving extra here and there for her to buy groceries or something like that which i would later find out she wasn't doing anything at all with my money except blowing it on nicacs and things like that while our bills were piling up. From 15 and to currently i have worked dead end jobs, I remained in contact with my brother through the years but it was always distanced he would always say something make me cringe with disgust and later i would catch myself alone wondering why i was still upset by his actions and words. i also was disgusted when my other brother that i had somewhat a better relationship with decided to name his son after our brother. when i was 13 the molesting brother was injured because of his own stupidity from drugs.. he will never walk again i think i somewhat forgave him a lot because i kind of felt sorry for him anyways long story short lots has happened in recent weeks I am the blacksheep of the family my 2 cousins still live with grandparents they are in their 20s don't work don't go to college they stay at home on computers or out partying all day and night they get free room and board my brother is living with them while my mom ran off to another state and I have been treated what i feel like pretty unfair by most of them.. I spent my whole life thinking i needed them until recently realizing I have made it just fine on my own.. but now that I have shared with you some of the history I..really wanted to share that to simply ask.. Since I have cut all ties with my extended family I seem to be thinking back on my childhood more and more though I find myself Repeating word for word what I so desperately want to Say to my family and I catch myself grinding my teeth and clutching together my fists. but I am seriously for the most part happy now.. actually I find myself smiling more and more and not thinking about it for the most part.. so I just want to know.. is it wrong of me to still feel ill towards my family and my brother? to not want to have anything to do with them are these feelings okay, normal and valid?*


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think your feelings are natural. You had a traumatic experience. Are you in therapy? If you stated you were, I apologize, I may have missed it.

Is your older brother in therapy as well? if not, he should be too. What did you parents say when all of this came out?


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## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

Thanks Calla, I wish I had got more responses from this one I seem so lost on this part of my life. and No dear I am not in Therapy anymore Can't afford it without Health Insurance but I seem to Certainly need it I suppose. Don't apologize for that I should have mentioned that in my original post! 

No he is not in Therapy he never went and never was.. infact he is in college to become a Social Worker! But yet he is still perverted and immature as ever. I just wish I could move on from my resented feelings forever but at the same time I think he should be making more of an effort. Seems like the more I try to forgive forget and move on the more I am ridiculed and belittled by him and the rest of our family. Thats why I chose to Sever any ties with him, my cousins, grandparents and mother that I may have had. I don't visit anymore and usually speak to them via the Postal Services through Mailing things they don't even call me. I can honestly say though its been a true eye opener for me and I have realized just how happy and positive I seem to be without them but I am human and every now and then especially on rainy days like this there seems to be a part of me deep down that comes out and hurts all over again. Some would say that means I haven't moved on at all who knows but I just feel like its natural and I don't see how anyone could get over those kind of childhood memories.

Thanks Calla for the support


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Normal and valid. Sometimes the worst abusers are your own family. You probably feel bad about cutting them off but the feelings most likely not cause you need them or even like them but out of shame. I don't care if its friends or family....if they are toxic they need to go. Good luck to you.


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## ALotOnMyMind (Jun 15, 2013)

Pinkdaisy91 said:


> so I just want to know.. is it wrong of me to still feel ill towards my family and my brother? to not want to have anything to do with them


Not at all. You have every right to feel that way. 



Pinkdaisy91 said:


> are these feelings okay, normal and valid?


Yes, 100%. However, the family you come from is totally dysfunctional and damaged. The healthiest thing for you to do is this:

1. Maintain physical and emotional distance from them for at least a few years. If I were you I'd completely break off all contact during that time.
2. Go to some sort of therapy.
3. Read and learn as much as you can about what a normal, healthy family is like.


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## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> What did you parents say when all of this came out?


sorry CallaLily didn't notice that last question but I'll be quick to respond 

When I came out with it, my dad never said anything to me but him and my mother had sat down and talked with my brother.. They spent an hour comforting him and telling him it was okay. 
When they later talked to me in a meeting with my therapist at that time, Mom said and I quote "This is normal, brothers and sisters do stuff like that sometimes, and sort of snickered and looked at Dad and says... Lord if I mentioned some of the things that my brother and sisters used to do.. " My therapist shook her head and then made it known that I would not be going back home to them for a while and I then had to decide which Aunt and Uncle I was going home too when My stay was over with at the Clinic.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am happy for you that you have, for the most part, moved on! 

Processing and forgiving is important for you! 

Disconnecting from family is a must at times. Not everyone is healthy (obviously)...

I have disconnected from unhealthy family members. They serve no purpose in my life. Blood related-yes but nothing else bonds me to them. 

Keep up the good work and keep moving on. Your life is much more than your past.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Are there any free clinics where you live? Most of them in my area offer mental health screenings and are required to set you up with a free therapist. Please look into it.

Your feelings are normal and valid. You may having some PTSD from the abuse which is also very common and that explains the teeth grinding.

I'm a survivor of sexual abuse from a family member so I know exactly how you feel.


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## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

Coming from a dysfuntional family, and after much effort to try and talk about it with them.. I decided for now to cut all ties with them. I was basically told to be a liar and that what happened to me was not molestation and was perfectly normal between brothers and sisters. My voice I realize will never be heard with my family, all I can do now is focus on my marriage and work on myself I also know that I don't want any future children of mine to be subjected to that kind of life or morals that they have tried to instill in me. Thanks Forum friends for all your advice and support <3


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm glad you decided to cut ties. It hurts sometimes to remove toxic people from your life but you are too important - you have to come first. Self-care is paramount to any familial relationship.

Surround yourself with friends who are healthy and supportive and who give you all of the hugs you need to fill your hug deficit.

I think you are very brave and strong and think your reactions are very normal under the circumstances. I pity them for not realizing what a treasure they had in you.


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