# Is this abuse?



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Hi everyone. My H and I have been having a hard go with our
marriage. 
Five days ago, we were getting our livingroom in order because it
was a mess. There was bags of recycle that my H wants to shred, but the plastic bags were falling apart, so I got a garbage bag and was going to put it all in one bag so it would be more organized. He blew up! Said everything was just fine, and I didn't need to mess with it. He just kept ranting about what I had done.
He wouldn't even listen to what I wanted to do. 
Fast forward to the other night. I had the audacity to bring my H's laundry from the basement. Again he blew up, and said that he would have left it till the next day, that I didn't listen. Again ranting on and on about what I had done, and that I didn't listen. He told me today that if I hadn't pushed his buttons by doing these things, he wouldn't get angry. That I had to be right all the time.
He doesn't believe he is abusive.
I feel like I need one of his family members to intervene. To let my H know that what he is doing isn't right. Do you think I 
should?


----------



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

theetoeturtle said:


> Hi everyone. My H and I have been having a hard go with our
> marriage.
> Five days ago, we were getting our livingroom in order because it
> was a mess. There was bags of recycle that my H wants to shred, but the plastic bags were falling apart, so I got a garbage bag and was going to put it all in one bag so it would be more organized. He blew up! Said everything was just fine, and I didn't need to mess with it. He just kept ranting about what I had done.
> ...


This is definitely a statement normally made from an abuser.. 

How long have you been married?


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have to believe, in this case, there is something there he didn't want you to see. Time to start researching... Just Sayin'


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Could be a host of reasons he acted that way, stress over his job, hiding something, feeling like you blame him for things (mine does that - I mentioned the wet spot in the yard that we thought we had fixed last week and he blew up at me; then said he thought I was blaming him. huh?)

Anyway, ANY time a person says 'if you hadn't done ABC, I wouldn't have done XYZ,' it's a safe bet you need to at least consider an abusive/controlling personality.

But no, do NOT bring his family into this. Not yet. Maybe later. 

Keep a note pad in your pocket and every time he blows up like that, write down what he said, with time and date. See if you see a pattern.


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

We have been married for 26 years.
He works for a company that does security for events, but they seldom have work for him. Maybe at the most 6 times a year.
He doesn't believe he has control issues. Why is that not surprising, I doubt any abuser wants to admit he has a problem.
I wish I could open his eyes before its too late. I believe its getting to that point.
Is a marriage counselor the only one who can do this?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did he just start doing this, or has he always been like this?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you support the family? What does he do all day?


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

dormant said:


> I have to believe, in this case, there is something there he didn't want you to see. Time to start researching... Just Sayin'


Also.....if you have to ask...chances are it is or darn close...








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

:iagree: with turnera ...... some subtle monitoring needed here. The issues you say caused him to explode are normal couples helping eachother. My W did those things for me when we were working together Id kive a little peck on the lips and say "thank you". 

If this is a continual issue with such little provercation (and helping him isnt) then it could be the start of a rage related issue. Is there a job issue causing stress?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Holy crap, so the guy gets angry twice and he is an abuser? WTF people... He may be or not. But from this description you're jumping the gun. We don't know his side. 

Is it possible that if he stays at home he is seeing those things she did as some sort of criticism of the work he is doing around the house? A LOT of women do that kind of crap. Go behind their husbands and redo what they did because they didn't "do it right" around the house.



> This is definitely a statement normally made from an abuser..


And also made from anyone who has ever got mad at his/her partner, man or female.

Having seen what real abuse looks like from up close i dislike people just throwing that word around like its magical "I win". You do it long enough and often enough and people will devalue what is a very serious accusation and real abusers will get off easy.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's what I said, costa - that it could be a host of reasons including feeling criticized. And that's why we've been asking her more questions, to get a better feel for the truth.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

costa200 said:


> And also made from anyone who has ever got mad at his/her partner, man or female.


Not true. I have NEVER said 'if you wouldn't have ddd I wouldn't have fddff.'

And that very statement is to be found in just about every abuse book out there.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

turnera said:


> Not true. I have NEVER said 'if you wouldn't have ddd I wouldn't have fddff.'
> 
> And that very statement is to be found in just about every abuse book out there.


Maybe you just have had the luck of not being put in that spot? And yes, abusers often use that damn line, but using it doesn't make one automatically an abuser!


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

I was working and supporting us for 5 years after my H got fired
from his regular job. 7 months ago I was fired from my job, but looking for another. My unemployment just ran out, but a cheque
will be comming through work that will keep us going for a little while.
When he was fired, I was furious at first because it was his own fault for being fired. For one thing being very open about his dislike for the new general manager. Critisizing the new ways of
doing things in the store that he implemented.
All the years he had been out of work, I was supportive of his efforts to find another job. Only once did I get mad at him for not making an effort to find a job.
As for him keeping the house clean. He does does help with that, and I thank him for what he does. I don't critisize the way he does it, or go behind his back and re-do things he has done. But he won't throw things out. 
That bag of recycle that he said he is going to shred has been in the living room for YEARS.(by the way that bag is STILL in the living room, just hidden behind my lounge chair.) He wouldn't throw out the magazines and crap on the coffee table. I finally had to put my foot down.
You should see the basement. We don't have one. All the crap that should go to the dump, and he won't do it.

Its depressing to live in a mess. It made me feel so much better to see our living room more of a living space.
I see the living room as the first step to getting rid of all the junk in the house. 
Its tug of war when it comes to the junk.
Don't make me out to be some raving *****. You don't know what I have put up with over the years.
And of course, his perspective is that I have to always right. Which isn't true. Im not looking to be right all the time.


----------



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I don't think you're a "raving...", I'm not convinced it's abuse, but it certainly does sound like it. I lived it for years, it was subtle for a long time, very controling, jealous, critical, trying to control my emotions by telling me how I should fee, turning things around to make me feel crazy. Not all play the victim card, but mine certainly did, he went around trying to blame others for what happened to him, and he never took any responsibility for our problems in our marriage.

And now, he's my ex....lol

Sometimes you don't realize it's abuse, we aren't aware of what it is until we put a label on it. Then it's like "what???, omg, that's what I have been going through".

The bag in the living room for years, wow....

There is a lot of info. on the internet, that's where I started. 

Not to sound too pesimistic, but counseling won't work unless the person admits to having a problem, believe me, after 25 years, and many counselors, and him still not believing he had a problem, I gave up. I made some mistakes of course, but a person can only take ownership of 50% of marriage difficulties.

good luck


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

how is your sex life?


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Sorry


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

How is our sex life? Not good.


----------



## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

theetoeturtle said:


> How is our sex life? Not good.


in what way? it is kind of a important thing in a relationship.:scratchhead:


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

theetoeturtle said:


> Hi everyone. My H and I have been having a hard go with our
> marriage.
> Five days ago, we were getting our livingroom in order because it
> was a mess. There was bags of recycle that my H wants to shred, but the plastic bags were falling apart, so I got a garbage bag and was going to put it all in one bag so it would be more organized. He blew up! Said everything was just fine, and I didn't need to mess with it. He just kept ranting about what I had done.
> ...


You've been with him for 26 yrs. so you would know if he's abusive by now.

He has anger issues that's for sure & I wouldn't put up with it & I would move the garbage out of the living room no matter what he said.

Are you afraid of him?


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

theetoeturtle said:


> I was working and supporting us for 5 years after my H got fired
> from his regular job. 7 months ago I was fired from my job, but looking for another. My unemployment just ran out, but a cheque
> will be comming through work that will keep us going for a little while.
> When he was fired, I was furious at first because it was his own fault for being fired. For one thing being very open about his dislike for the new general manager. Critisizing the new ways of
> ...


Yeah, what i get from all of that is that you're sick of him and you want a good official explanation like "abuse" in order to end what it seems to be a marriage in trouble.

If you are indeed tired of him you need to fix your marriage or you need to woman up and ask for a divorce. Don't look for a bullsh*t excuse. Specially one that brands a guy for life as a despicable human being. 

It's pretty clear you have no respect for the guy as you have yet to mention a single quality of him. If it was him here i would be telling him to get a job because women can't seem to handle the man not being the main bread winner. They always end up resenting the guy. 

Looking at your post that is blatantly obvious.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh please.


----------



## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Holy crap, so the guy gets angry twice and he is an abuser? WTF people... He may be or not. But from this description you're jumping the gun. We don't know his side.
> 
> Is it possible that if he stays at home he is seeing those things she did as some sort of criticism of the work he is doing around the house? A LOT of women do that kind of crap. Go behind their husbands and redo what they did because they didn't "do it right" around the house.
> 
> ...


Agree. NOT abuse unless there's a pattern of behavior that is meant to either physically hurt, or emotionall hurt the "target". A "bad day" or a "snappy comment" does not an abuser make. 

I would say that "abuse" is a PATTERN of escalating behavior that physically or is meant to pshycologically harm a person (even if the abuser does not see it as such). While a single instance of physical battery could be seen as "spousal abuse", the word "abuse" to me at least defines at least a repeated behavior.

A bad day at work or a bad week and "snapping" at the spouse is not "abuse". Now, if this has been a regular thing, and he's saying or doing things to "tear you down" and eat away at your self esteem, then yes...I believe this could be a form of mental abuse. A bad day or bad week...not so much.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

costa200 said:


> Maybe you just have had the luck of not being put in that spot? And yes, abusers often use that damn line, but using it doesn't make one automatically an abuser!


Did anyone said it did?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

turtle, he may just be as miserable as you are, and thus neither of you is interested in making the other happy any more.

Or, he may be what you are sensing. Read this book to find out: Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. It's pretty much the bible on abuse. You'll be able to tell after reading it if he is or isn't. 

No matter what you discover, though, I'll give you the insight my two therapists have given me: It doesn't MATTER what he is or isn't. What matters is what YOU do when you feel bad. Are you ready to make changes so you no longer feel bad? We can help.


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Im not afraid of him. As to our sex life. Its the same old same old. Me on top, him on top, or bj's.
He can't change positions without losing his erection.
I am going through menopause and I know that can effect me wanting sex. It isn't comfortable even with lube.
I have to say though that he has used herbal remedies for his erection problem. I know people are sceptical about such things, but it worked for my H.
By your replys, it does sound like it isn't abuse. But I sure don't appreciate being treated like I have done some horrible thing. Blowing up over a stupid basket of laundry, and a bag of recycle, and believing he was right, and not budging. He has never apologized for his behavior by the way.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A great book is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. It teaches you how to set healthy boundaries and give consequences if your partner steps over those boundaries. Once you set up your boundaries, he can continue to do what he does and it won't matter because you'll have enacted your consequences.


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Turnera, thanks. That sounds like a good book to read. Im going
to get it.
And thank you everyone for your input. I really appreciate it.


----------



## mandy123 (Oct 5, 2012)

i have an idea, maybe you could ask him before you do it like, do we need a stronger bag???? shall i get one??? do you want your laundry done???? then he cant moan because you asked him first, its hard to know if this is abuse, it dosent sound like it to me maybe he is just stressed out, you being with him 26 years would know if this is out of the ordinary or if it is notxxx


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

This is a tricky one to answer. It depends on the history. If you have a history of being a control freak which has worn him down over years and this is the straw that broke the camels back, then it is not abusive but is an exasperated response to an ongoing issue.

Taken in isolation every fight I have had with my wife is petty and ridiculous. In reality each little battle forms part of a larger power struggle. The fight is not about rubbish bags or laundry, of that you can be sure. 

You would have to get your husband to put forward his side of the story, put the argument in context, in order for anyone to make a reasonable judgment of your situation. 

I would suggest a MC rather than a friend, who can never be truly objective.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

johnnycomelately said:


> This is a tricky one to answer. It depends on the history. If you have a history of being a control freak which has worn him down over years and this is the straw that broke the camels back, then it is not abusive but is an exasperated response to an ongoing issue.
> 
> Taken in isolation every fight I have had with my wife is petty and ridiculous. In reality each little battle forms part of a larger power struggle. The fight is not about rubbish bags or laundry, of that you can be sure.
> 
> ...


Agree with this. Sounds like resentment building on both sides until something stupid like a bag ignites the argument.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If you try to help him do things he gets upset? Can you talk about this?, explain that you are really hurt when you try to help him and he goes off on you.
And that you wish he would understand that when you try to help it's NOT to find fault with the things he does.
Pick a calm time to bring this up.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he sounds like an a$$ to me.

why isn't he working? or looking for a job.

he knows he taking advantage of you but is to lazy or has grown acustome to the way things are. 

fired from his job because he can't keep his mouth shut. must be nice to have a wife who will suport you and take all the sh*t you can give her.

hes sounds like hes on the verge of becomming a hoarder.

in my mind its not acceptable to treat your wife who suports you this way. or any wife for that matter.

time for him to pull up his boot straps and start looking for a damn job any job.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

One last idea - has he had a physical lately? If this mood change is sudden for him and not the norm for him to snap like that, there are a couple things that can cause severe mood swings. It's one of the signs on early onset Alzheimer's. I'm not suggesting it is, just that if it's out of character it never hurts to have a good once-over by a doctor.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

It sounds more like you are dealing with a hoarder then an man with angermanament issues. I think you need to put him in IC. Also, please remember that people tend to get angry and irriational when it comes to objects that are hoarded. He might also suffer from depression. You might want a counciler for yourself so that you know how to deal with him during the clean up.


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Thank you all for your support and suggestions and input. Its given me a lot to think about. You guys are the best.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you going to do?


----------



## Desperate_Housewife (Oct 15, 2012)

Personally... I would have thrown the recycles out the door and his laundry down the basement steps if he had spoken to me in that manner.

Yes. He is mentally abusing you. Google it. GET HELP NOW!


----------



## theetoeturtle (May 5, 2009)

Im not sure what Im going to do. Last time I tried to get him to go to the doctor he said no. His excuse was that we didn't have the money. At the time I was still working and told him that I didn't care, that I would pay for his doctor visit, but it was still said no.
His mood change has been over a matter of a few years rather than a sudden change.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't ask him to go. 

You tell him if he doesn't go, you are leaving him.

Nothing else works with men.


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

turnera said:


> Nothing else works with men.


Why the sexism? You could have helped this person without it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because the OP needs to be shaken out of her naive belief that she can love him back home.


----------

