# advice on dealing with unrealistic husband



## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Hey everyone, it appears that my marriage is definitely on a downward slope. Many may remember the strip club drama I had to deal with on the part of my hubby. Now, it seems like my husband has this attitude as if he is doing me a favor by being with me and I am getting sick of it.

He has been making comments over the last few months that I don't apologize to him when I go off on him or that hes disappointed in how I act when its that time of the month and various other hurtful things and I am about to go off the deep end on him. We had an argument about 2 months ago and he told me that he was going to come into a large sum of money and when he did, we could go our separate ways. Yes he said this. Then when I started crying he said that not what he meant. 

Since we started vacationing more, the more places we go to and he sees these pretty women, it has apparently built up his confidence to the point where he told me last week that if something ever happened with us, he would go get a wife from another country. He is dead serious about this. He has also constantly been saying that he cant stand women like me and I keep telling him that if you cant stand women like me that means you cant stand me either. I always appreciated the honesty we had in our marriage, but it is turning into a bad thing.

I just dont get how he thinks he can act like this after 10 years. I dont want to tear down his confidence, but maybe I need to let him know how hes not the best thing since sliced bread either. I hate to think about divorce, but he deep down inside feels that women are supposed to be perfect and do whatever he says and behave however he feels they should behave and that is crazy. Even if he married another women, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have a whole new set of problems.

I would hate to waste away my prime being with someone who secretly despises me. Even if he doesn't despise me, he has made it pretty clear that he is not happy with me and I dont know what i should do about this. 

I am not 100% happy with him but I have learned to try and focus on the positive. I am just hearing the same message over and over from him and he has really made me feel totally insecure and unsure about this relationship. He is a master manipulator and I just dont know if this is normal male behavior after 10 years of marriage to a beautiful woman and no kids.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I havent read your other posts but why the no kids. 
Everyone thinks the grass is greener. You really need counselling although I doubt it will help. You have to choose either you give in to him or part from him. Are his demands that great and worth arguing about. Isnt a quiet life sometimes better.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I really think you should get to the bottom of what his comments are hinting out is he deliberately trying to put you off him so he can get married to someone else??? I dont think you should live with this type of behaviour you really need to lay down some laws that he if he isnt happy being married to you then he knows what he can do you aint stopping him at the same time your his wife not his friend where you can easily be replaced. He will contine this behaviour if you dont put an end to it. Good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> He has been making comments over the last few months that I don't apologize to him when I go off on him .


Can you give some examples of what it’s like when you go off on him and what the topics are?


sharonND said:


> or that hes disappointed in how I act when its that time of the month..


How do you act during that time of the month?


sharonND said:


> and various other hurtful things and I am about to go off the deep end on him. .


What other hurtful things and how do you behave because of them.


sharonND said:


> We had an argument about 2 months ago and he told me that he was going to come into a large sum of money and when he did, we could go our separate ways. Yes he said this. Then when I started crying he said that not what he meant. ..


This was a mean thing for him to say. The next time he says anything like just tell him something like: “I love you and would like us to be married for the rest of our lives. But if you really want to leave, pack your stuff NOW and leave. You are not doing me a favor staying here when you seem to be looking for every excuse to leave. But if you stay.. it’s for life. Got it Bud? You are either in this marriage or out of this marriage.” Then walk away for him to contemplate this. Don’t yell, don’t cry. Just make the statement every time he says something insensitive like this about leaving.



sharonND said:


> Since we started vacationing more, the more places we go to and he sees these pretty women, it has apparently built up his confidence to the point where he told me last week that if something ever happened with us, he would go get a wife from another country. He is dead serious about this.


You should look up statistics and info about American men marrying foreign women. For example there are websites to find Asian and Russian brides. In most cases these women are only looking for a ticket to come the USA and to get their hands on as much of the guy’s money as they can. Show these to him so he will know what a stupid idea that is. Is he filthy right? They are not really looking to form a long term marriage or other type of relationship. They will dump him and take him for everything they can as soon as they are in the USA long enough to stay on their own.



sharonND said:


> He has also constantly been saying that he cant stand women like me and I keep telling him that if you cant stand women like me that means you cant stand me either. I always appreciated the honesty we had in our marriage, but it is turning into a bad thing.


What exactly is a woman like you? What is it that he is complaining about?


sharonND said:


> I just dont get how he thinks he can act like this after 10 years. I dont want to tear down his confidence, but maybe I need to let him know how hes not the best thing since sliced bread either. I hate to think about divorce, but he deep down inside feels that women are supposed to be perfect and do whatever he says and behave however he feels they should behave and that is crazy. Even if he married another women, that doesn't mean he wouldn't have a whole new set of problems.


Yes there would just be a whole new set of problems with another woman. And most likely a whole lot of the same problems since I doubt he will change. What he is displaying is not confidence. He’s a bully. Bullies act like this to disguise insecurity.


sharonND said:


> I would hate to waste away my prime being with someone who secretly despises me. Even if he doesn't despise me, he has made it pretty clear that he is not happy with me and I dont know what i should do about this.


If you are not ready to leave him at this time I suggest that you start working on yourself. You cannot change him. But you can change yourself. For say the next six months to a year concentrate on YOU. Joint a gym and work out. Lose any weight you have to lose. Get busy with hobbies and friends. 

For one thing as you improve, he will start to look at you differently. It might even save your marriage. But if it does not you will be a much better person.

If you want to try to work on your marriage as you improve yourself I would suggest that you read the books in my signature block about how to create a passionate marriage.


sharonND said:


> I am not 100% happy with him but I have learned to try and focus on the positive. I am just hearing the same message over and over from him and he has really made me feel totally insecure and unsure about this relationship. He is a master manipulator and I just dont know if this is normal male behavior after 10 years of marriage to a beautiful woman and no kids.


His behavior is mean. But perhaps he’s frustrated in the marriage and just does not know how to fix it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I remember the strip club sitaution. That was not cool of him.

However, it sounds like he has some resentment of you. You said he has commented that he doesn't like it when you "go off" on him and don't apologize. That is a valid concern. If you are saying hurtful things to him and don't ever apologize, that is something YOU need to fix.

On the other hand, if he's blatantly putting you down and comparing you to other women, that is a problem.

My quick read is that you are hurting because has has done a lot of things to make you (and any woman) feel insecure. And you are acting out in anger as a result. 

I would recomment counseling so you can both get your grievances out there and work on creating a healthier marriage.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Elegirl,
Its very hard to get to the meat of an issue on a forum but essentially, my husband doesnt have the ability to look in the mirror. I dont know why he feels I dont apologize to him, to me I apologize too much. He told me he resents me when its that time of the month because IN HIS OPINION he feels I go off on him over nothing and dont even realize it. He said he feels like he lives with a crazy person. He has never said these things before but I think he is crazy since he blames me for everything and doesnt take responsibility for anything. My question to him when he said this was, well what did you do?

I dont know what kind of woman I am other than an american and he said he doesnt like american women. I work really hard and both of us contribute financially 50 50 to the household. If I left or he left it would hurt the other person financially. My husbad has turned over a new leaf. I agree we made need counseling but if he only thinks i am a problem, how would it really help?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

typical man never going to understand the meaning of hormones. You need to stay strong and not be put downn dont always apologise for nothing that controlling if it needs to be said then say it if not then dont you should be open free to speak your mind


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I dont know what kind of woman I am other than an american and he said he doesnt like american women. I work really hard and both of us contribute financially 50 50 to the household. If I left or he left it would hurt the other person financially. My husbad has turned over a new leaf.


Is your husband an American man? Or is he from some other country and have very different expectations because of the way he was raised?

Does he realize that a foreign woman would most likely expect him to be the sole bread winner? Sounds to me like he is living in a dream world on this one.

But it also sounds like you let it bother you so he gets a big payback from using this as a way to annoy you. If you were to find some humor in it and joke back with him on his foreign bride topic it would put an end to that one right away.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Ele, my husband is American too but unfortunately I dont find this topic to be funny and I have made jokes about it with him but he is serious. I know I cannot change a mans mind, but he has this idea that american women are difficult to deal with and there is nothing i can do about it. The problem is that because he thinks i am hard to deal with and i am american, it is a self- fulfilling prophecy and he is creating problems for himself.

If i walk into a room and expect problems, i could actually behave in a manner whereby i actually do have problems just so i can say, see, told ya so. That is the way he is behaving. He has made up his mind and is looking for evidence to support his belief. Needless to say, all women, no matter what their nationality, will have their time of the month so if that's his only complaint, seems pretty dumb that he wants to stir up his marriage over it. I am getting tired of him and the comments though. He has no right to make me feel like less than good enough for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> I agree we made need counseling but if he only thinks i am a problem, how would it really help


You should get individual counseling to start with….. For YOU. While you have good reason to get annoyed and even hurt by his nonsense, you also seem to be way too sensitive. He’s a bully right now. Bullies enjoy making people cry, etc. So stop it. Stop reacting to his bullying. If you get indignant and/or hurt stop it. You have 100% control over the way you react to what he does. If he really wanted to leave you he’d already be gone. So stop the crying, emotional out bursts, hurt feelings. And react to him in the manner that a strong woman would react.

When you change he will have to change. That’s the way it goes.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Studies show that men rarely change when they get married but rather force the woman in the relationship to change to what they want. He'd be pleasantly surprised if he knew how I really felt about him. I am not willing to change because this is not an issue that requires change. If he thinks I act a certain way 1 week a year and thats enough to leave me over then oh well. He will have to deal or squeal. I will tell him this as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Ele, my husband is American too but unfortunately I dont find this topic to be funny and I have made jokes about it with him but he is serious. I know I cannot change a mans mind, but he has this idea that american women are difficult to deal with and there is nothing i can do about it. The problem is that because he thinks i am hard to deal with and i am american, it is a self- fulfilling prophecy and he is creating problems for himself.
> 
> If i walk into a room and expect problems, i could actually behave in a manner whereby i actually do have problems just so i can say, see, told ya so. That is the way he is behaving. He has made up his mind and is looking for evidence to support his belief. Needless to say, all women, no matter what their nationality, will have their time of the month so if that's his only complaint, seems pretty dumb that he wants to stir up his marriage over it. I am getting tired of him and the comments though. He has no right to make me feel like less than good enough for him.


I've heard a lot of men complain about the way their wives are during their time of the month. I know that when I was having my period I would often not be the most pleasant person. I had some horrible times too.. like the few times when I could not even focus my eyes for a few days because of it. It can be a real problem

There is a good chance that your husband's complains about your time of the month have some validity. There are things you can do to help your mood, the cramps, etc. Most of them are natural remedies and they really work. 

If you do everything you can to get a better handle on your emotions, cramps etc it would be wise to do. 

Also make a deal with him that when your have having your time, you get a lot of quiet time so you can deal with it on your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> He has been making comments over the last few months that I don't apologize to him *when I go off on him* or that hes disappointed in how I act when its that time of the month and* various other hurtful things*


So you go off on him and you do hurtful things to him. Why do you do that?


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

No I said he says various hurtful things to me.Pretty much everyday he says he hates american women. When I said something nice to him to try and be positive his response was a 10 minute rant that i mentioned here. I dont know why he said this but he causes arguments over dumb stuff everyday. And when its that time of the month he constantly baits me and says things like "oh gosh, i have to deal with this for another x days" or "oh gosh it must be that time of the month" He acts like a child. If I thought someone was angry or acting weird, the last thing I would do is bait them into an argument. I apologize often. Apologies are not weapons, they are supposed to be sincere. He uses them for argument leverage.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Elegirl, I am telling you, my husband is the one whos crazy. He has everything most men want. Even his friends are jealous of him, yet he still complaining. I dont need to work out at all ever. I do everything for him include make the same amount of money as him. He has no reason to not like american women because he has everything he could need in me. I cook, clean, satisfy, go to strip clubs with him, am entertaining, attractive, outgoing, fun to be with, hard working, etc. I guess in his eyes, American is the one trait holding me back.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

When I go off, and it is rare, it is because he has done something. You should see my post about what he did at strip club.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Its not like I act like the basketball wives. I dont know why he thinks this.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

It seems like your husband has no respect for you or the marriage and is looking for any and every excuse to make you the bad guy. As has been mentioned, you might want to look into individual counseling if he isn't willing to go to MC. I guess you have to look very hard at whether you want to continue in such a toxic relationship. You mention doing a lot to please him and he's still looking elsewhere. To me, that's a clear sign that he's no longer invested in the relationship nor marriage. 

Your husband is looking for some sort of fantasy woman who will put up with his degading view of women, American or not. One of the best things you can do is to make sure that you are happy and in a good, fulfilling relationship. That doesn't seem to be possible right now with your husband and you may have to think about separation and/or divorce. It might be hard to contemplate financially, but it may be the way to go if your husband doesn't begin making some real, honest changes for the betterment of the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Elegirl, I am telling you, my husband is the one whos crazy. He has everything most men want. Even his friends are jealous of him, yet he still complaining. I dont need to work out at all ever. I do everything for him include make the same amount of money as him. He has no reason to not like american women because he has everything he could need in me. I cook, clean, satisfy, go to strip clubs with him, am entertaining, attractive, outgoing, fun to be with, hard working, etc. I guess in his eyes, American is the one trait holding me back.


I think this entire American women vs foreign women thing is just something he uses to bully you. He probably has no idea what he's talking about. Is there a particular nationality or ethnicity of foreign women he thinks are superior? 

So now the question is why are you putting up with this and not just moving on?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Is it possible he is having an affair? There are some red flags here. 

You are doing far too much for such an abusive worthless boy. He is treating you like dirt and instead of pulling way, way back you try harder. That is a typical human reaction but it never works. When your spouse is being disrespectful and does not appreciate you, doing more is counterproductive. Do much much less. Give him room to experience what his life will be like in your absence. You must be willing to let him go if he does not straiten up. 

Tell him exactly what you will tollerate and what you will not from now on. Expect a firestorm but dont let him disrespect you , walk away. That is your line in the sand. You cannot control him but you can control yourself and your actions. If he continues to kick sand in your face, you can let him do it or walk away. 

Walk away and tell him that when and if he can get his act together, you will reconsider him. You are treating him as if he has more value than you. Let him go and see if he can get a woman of any culture to match what you do for him. He sounds like a jerk who needs to be taken down a couple of 3 pegs. 

Insist on MC, if he does not go you go. You need help to handle this effectively or to just leave. 

This is your to do list: 
1. Investigate the possibility of an E or PA 
2. Schedule MC and tell him that his behavior is intolerable and needs to change. If he does not go you go.
3. Stop all the activities you do to please him. Even down to his laundry. Tell him that the way he treats you is not the way a woman of your caliber should be treated. Tell him you have decided that you agree with him you are terrible and that in the future he can do for himself because he is so superior. Then relax and become a selfish Americam B.

This will escalate things considerably but it is this or remain the dirt under his shoe. 
Consider seeing a lawyer for a consultation, I really think he is trying to leave the marriage but he wants you to leave him so he is not a bad guy. 

Don't let him know you suspect he may be cheating. Does he work with women from cultures that are stereotyped as having submissive women. Does he talk about any particular woman with admiration either now or in the past?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't know what nationality he likes but I assume its latin and I told him that all women may act *****y during their time of the month. We had a talk and he claims hes going to stop saying it but I told him just stop saying it isn't enough if that's how he truly feels. I told him I dont want to be with someone who doesnt like me and if he doesnt like me I want him to leave. 

It's not easy to walk away from a 10 year marriage when your husband starts acting crazy out of nowhere. He said theres no affair and honestly I dont see how he could have an affair. He claims he has done these things to make me jealous with hopes I will not be mean to him during my time of the month?! I told him he is ridiculous and crazy to be complaining about something so dumb. I told him he is not a perfect husband either but you dont see me mentioning it everyday. He said he doesn't want counseling, of course. I have been to counseling before, maybe I will look into it again. But I dont see how it will help when he is the one who has the issues with me and I cannot control how I act when my hormones may be raging.

I wish I could walk away but I really love this man and want this to work. I have put a lot of time, money and effort into this. However, I am not willing to let him continue this nonsense. I agree with what you guys are saying and I am going to let him know that if the behavior continues, I am going to leave. I think he is taking me for granted. I guess it can happen after 10 years.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Needless to say, all women, no matter what their nationality, will have their time of the month so if that's his only complaint, seems pretty dumb that he wants to stir up his marriage over it.*

Yes we do... but not all of us are b*tches and take advantage of that time.

*and I told him that all women may act *****y during their time of the month. *

No, all women don't. I know very few who do.

*I cannot control how I act when my hormones may be raging.*

Of course you can. You don't want him to use the same excuse do you? When his horomones are raging he can do whatever he wants? Really? Just like we tell men to "Man up" and start acting like a real man.... we can say the same to women... time to put on your big girl panties and act like a real WOMAN. Not b*tichy at that TOM, not whiney when he is stupid.... not staying with someone who you think treats you like [email protected] 

Stop. Figure out what YOU want. What you need. Take him out of the equation for a minute and figure yourself out. THEN decide if he adds or takes away from your life. Your lover/spouse should be a bonus, not a chore.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

SuunyT, I dont know if you are a women, but if you are, you got it all wrong. By your post, I can see that it doesnt have be your time of the month,, you may just be a straight up bit$%.
Are you telling me that a pregnant women doesnt have emotions and may do things she doesnt know are wrong? If I act a certain way, the most productive way for me to realize it would be to tell me in the moment, not a month later. There's no way I know I am doing this stuff nor would I just try to cause problems just because. Calling someone *****y is totally subjective. To him I may be *****y, to me he may be *****y. Who's to say that he is right and that I need to control my emotions? 2ndly, I am not going to walk away from a 10 year marriage because my husband is saying I act *****y. 

SunnyT, you cant be married because you dont get it if you can sit here and state not all women act a certain way during that time of the month. That is the most overrated complaint I have ever heard from men about women and studies show that it could be true. The bottom line is, if I act a certain way, its not on purpose and since he cannot control me, why cant he control his own behavior and not start fights or problems if he thinks it not the right time? He doesnt want me talking his ear off as soon as he gets home right? Well how about during my time he shut his damn mouth and see how many arguments we have then?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Wow. He may be on to something. Is it that TOM now????

I was just trying to say that we women CAN control ourselves. We don't HAVE to be b*tchy, we don't have to irritate the people we love. And if you THINK that you cannot control your emotions then it should be on YOU to handle that.... somehow. Just sounds like maybe you could figure out ways to soothe yourself and find a more even keel. 

Yes, he could be nicer. But so can you. It's a two way street. Own your *part* of the problem.


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## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

I've read this thread AND the strip club thread, and honestly, you aren't giving the people here much insight into the problem. 

Your (you and your husband) communication SUCKS! He is feeling unhappy for some reason. I'm not sure he knows why either. You're unhappy because you feel insecure because of his reactions to his own unhappiness. You need to figure out why he is unhappy, and stop focusing on the BS stuff you're posting here. These posts will NOT help you figure out the answer! They can't, because they aren't the problem in the first place.

You need to figure out why he is unhappy, and stop focusing on the BS stuff you're posting here. <--- 1 more time for good measure!!


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

Squirrel, I have talked to him and he says that he wants me to say sorry when I am mean to him, which I feel I already do all the time. The thing is, by him saying he likes foreign women and wanting to go to strip clubs and saying I act like a b once a month, he is being mean to me. Maybe he needs to say sorry.

A lot of times men will marry someone and think "I can change her". That is what happened in our relationship. He feels that by being mean, he can errect a change he feels is needed. He says he doesn't like my attitude when I get mad but the funny thing is, I dont like his either. There is so much more that he has done that I dont want to disclose here but he thinks he is the only one with an issue. I would never insult him or make him feel insecure because I wouldnt want to hurt him yet he does these things to me and says I am mean? I have told him that there are issues I have with him too, the difference is I dont obsess about it and try to put him down. We talk all the time but he isnt hearing me. He wants what we wants and thats it with blatant disregard for his own inadequacies.

If you met him, you would think he's the greatest guy in the world. Its an act. He knows it and so do I. I think he has a lot of growing up to do. I try very hard to please this guy and its just never enough. There's always something else he feels he wants. There is no woman that will make him happy as far as I am concerned because he needs to work on himself. Happiness comes from within, not from getting women to give in to your every desires.

I am not saying I dont take responsibility for my actions. But what I am saying is it takes 2 to tango. Both of us have strong personalities and are very outgoing people and those type A personality traits are going to clash. I try my best to not be a b, but apparently I am not doing a good enough job.

I have had doubts about him but I made a commitment and I am trying to stay true to it. Can I find someone maybe not so demanding, yes I am sure. I actually think I could be with a man that accepts me as I am and is fine with it. But since I am trying to work it out with this guy, I just cannot be perfect and I am unwilling to apologize to someone when I don't see or agree I did something wrong. Maybe I should just do what he wants, but then when will it end? What will be next, that he wants a threesome? He has to be willing to look in the mirror and adjust his own behaviors and attitudes and only then will there be less drama. And I have explained to him that since he has the problem, he needs to see what he can do to not take it so much to heart.

I dont think any marriage will be good if one person is only blaming the other. I have been to marriage counseling and all problems can be resolved if both parties are willing to work, not just one. Lets see what he comes up with next.


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## squirrel211 (Sep 7, 2011)

sharonND said:


> Squirrel,* I have talked to him and he says that he wants me to say sorry when I am mean to him, which I feel I already do all the time.* The thing is, by him saying he likes foreign women and wanting to go to strip clubs and saying I act like a b once a month, he is being mean to me. *Maybe he needs to say sorry*.
> 
> A lot of times men will marry someone and think "I can change her". That is what happened in our relationship. He feels that by being mean, he can errect a change he feels is needed. He says he doesn't like my attitude when I get mad but the funny thing is, I dont like his either. There is so much more that he has done that I dont want to disclose here but he thinks he is the only one with an issue. I would never insult him or make him feel insecure because I wouldnt want to hurt him yet he does these things to me and says I am mean? I have told him that there are issues I have with him too, the difference is I dont obsess about it and try to put him down. *We talk all the time but he isnt hearing me.* He wants what we wants and thats it with blatant disregard for his own inadequacies.
> 
> ...


Sharon, I have highlighted in your post, things that make me think that you guys have a serious issue with communication. It's not an insult! You clearly aren't on the same page, working towards the same goal. Until you guys resolve that, you won't fix the other stuff (strip clubs, being mean, flying off the handle, etc...)


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

sharonND said:


> SuunyT, I dont know if you are a women, but if you are, you got it all wrong. By your post, I can see that it doesnt have be your time of the month,, you may just be a straight up bit$%.
> Are you telling me that a pregnant women doesnt have emotions and may do things she doesnt know are wrong? If I act a certain way, the most productive way for me to realize it would be to tell me in the moment, not a month later. There's no way I know I am doing this stuff nor would I just try to cause problems just because. Calling someone *****y is totally subjective. To him I may be *****y, to me he may be *****y. Who's to say that he is right and that I need to control my emotions? 2ndly, I am not going to walk away from a 10 year marriage because my husband is saying I act *****y.
> 
> SunnyT, you cant be married because you dont get it if you can sit here and state not all women act a certain way during that time of the month. That is the most overrated complaint I have ever heard from men about women and studies show that it could be true. The bottom line is, if I act a certain way, its not on purpose and since he cannot control me, why cant he control his own behavior and not start fights or problems if he thinks it not the right time? He doesnt want me talking his ear off as soon as he gets home right? Well how about during my time he shut his damn mouth and see how many arguments we have then?


SharonND,
I'm sorry; but, I agree with SunnyT. Not every women acts as you describe during their time of the month and it is certainly not your husbands responsibility to "shut his damn mouth" to accommodate your moods. It would be nice if he were cognizant and flexible; but, adults are responsible for themselves and should control their response to their emotions. I think you should consider some individual counseling to gain some mastery of yourself..

I have now donned my asbestos suit: flame away


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

sharonND said:


> SuunyT, I dont know if you are a women, but if you are, you got it all wrong. By your post, I can see that it doesnt have be your time of the month,, you may just be a straight up bit$%.
> Are you telling me that a pregnant women doesnt have emotions and may do things she doesnt know are wrong? If I act a certain way, the most productive way for me to realize it would be to tell me in the moment, not a month later. There's no way I know I am doing this stuff nor would I just try to cause problems just because. Calling someone *****y is totally subjective. To him I may be *****y, to me he may be *****y. Who's to say that he is right and that I need to control my emotions? 2ndly, I am not going to walk away from a 10 year marriage because my husband is saying I act *****y.
> 
> SunnyT, you cant be married because you dont get it if you can sit here and state not all women act a certain way during that time of the month. That is the most overrated complaint I have ever heard from men about women and studies show that it could be true. The bottom line is, if I act a certain way, its not on purpose and since he cannot control me, why cant he control his own behavior and not start fights or problems if he thinks it not the right time? He doesnt want me talking his ear off as soon as he gets home right? Well how about during my time he shut his damn mouth and see how many arguments we have then?


Calmly... gently... there are drugs for severe PMS.
I am a woman. Not everyone gets severe PMS. I am very serious. Google it. A small number of women get emotionally charged. And there are treatments for it. And they work. 
Visit your doctor. Rule it out. That's all. Not saying anyone is crazy. Medically there could be something to help you, IF you act differently. Lots of women don't act any differently. It's maybe not normal if you feel like you cannot control your emotions.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

I appreciate all the responses, but some of you women are focusing on one aspect of a detailed post. To put you guys back on topic, no one said anything about severe pms. And no one said my husband is telling the truth. The point I am trying to make here is that he has done some very hurtful things to me under the guise that he only did all these things because he is upset over the fact that he feels I am mean SOMETIMES to him mostly during that time of the month and that I dont say sorry when I am mean to him during the time of the month.

I understand what he is saying and I respect his opinion but I think that is a cop out. He is implying that his hurtful actions are in response to mine and that is childish. For all of you to join in and say I need to get help with PMS, well that's great for ****s and giggles, but I dont see how anyone can justify his actions. Maybe I am just a more logical person, but I can and have pointed to specific actions he has done (strip club, says he hates americans, tried to leave me on vacation, etc) and say those things were terrible and they hurt, can you please not do them. He is saying "well you need to apologize to me when you are mean to me and you have pms". Thats not productive because I dont know what hes talking about. I dont know if its real or a defensive mechanism AND I dont see what it has to do with him hurting me. If he has an issue with me he needs to point it out when it occurs so i can see what he means and correct it, not bring it up in an argument in response to him going crazy on me over nothing. He has agreed that his recent outbursts were totally uncalled for because I havent done anything to him. Actually I have been trying my hardest to be nice to him even though I have my own resentment against how he's been making me feel insecure.

I have asked him repeatedly to stop saying he hates american women and he hasnt stopped. He bosses me around all the time. He complains all the time about everything. If anything, he has a PMS problem not me. He wants to argue about everything all the time and most times I give in to whatever his demands are to shut him up. What do any of these things have to do with PMS? Please stop replying saying I need to get PMS under control because I am telling you, that is a smoke screen for this guys own problems. I am owning up and accepting what hes saying but I know it is not the truth. He needs to treat me with respect and make me feel he wants to be with me. I told him if hes unhappy to get out and he says he wants to be with me and that he thinks he has to get rid of the grudge hes been holding over me.


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## sharonND (Nov 7, 2011)

KanDo said:


> SharonND,
> I'm sorry; but, I agree with SunnyT. Not every women acts as you describe during their time of the month and it is certainly not your husbands responsibility to "shut his damn mouth" to accommodate your moods. It would be nice if he were cognizant and flexible; but, adults are responsible for themselves and should control their response to their emotions


Kando, how do I describe women as acting? I am confused as to what you are talking about. Also your post is a total contradiction because you say its "not my husbands responsibility to shut his mouth and that adults are responsible for themselves", doesnt that mean he can control and is responsible for opening and shutting his mouth?

LOL, I think you didn't get my post. The guy argues about everything yet says he hates american women. Clearly he wants a woman he can dominate and control and thinks not american will suffice. American vs not american has nothing to do with PMS. He should learn to shut his mouth, trust me it would do him some good. I dont think he even knows what hes saying, hes just looking for anything to say to make me hurt.


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