# Have not told a soul until now



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

Exactly 1 month ago I found out my husband had been having an affair with a co-worker for 2 years. She's beautiful and 14 years younger than me. We've been married almost 7 years and I have to admit that even before his affair our marriage seems like a big blur. I take responsibility for a lot of the problems but I did tell him that if it ever got so bad that he wanted to go to someone else that he should talk to me. He didn't. 

I actually found out straight through her. She didn't know who I was of course, I had to be really careful about how I did this. 
I thought maybe I had been wrong and actually felt guilty for thinking my husband would do this but I finally got her to warm up to me a bit and she gave me a few hints that I thought were enough to dig deeper. Then one day she vented and she vented so hard I thought I was gonna pass out! I told him I knew and I showed him proof. I thought he was gonna have a heart attack!
My husband had ended the relationship 1 month prior but had no intention of ever telling me. He thought he could put it behind him and move on like it never happened. 
What really bothered me about this is that I realized how distant we had gotten but that I was still very much in love with him but resented him for a long time for not being affectionate with me, disregarding my feelings about lots of things, and he also made many decisions without my consent. There's lots more like him not spending any time with our son,
not helping with laundry, dishes, etc.. 
(We both work full time by the way)
So in a way I thought maybe this is a good way for us to "start over" 
I stayed. We've talked a lot, said very kind things to eachother, had more sex than ever before. We have improved in many ways but this cloud over my head does not go away! 
I don't know if I'm paranoid because I know he loves me and cares about me but I can feel he's not "into me" you know?
I've improved my appearance to please him, hair, makeup, sexy clothes, lingerie, and even though I've never been seriously overweight I did l lose some due to the heartbreak but I look great. And still, what is it? I'll be fine one day and the next is horrible. I still cant sleep, I wake up feeling anxious and start pacing around the house in the dark with those images of them in my head, I try not to cry but once I do I just cannot stop!
I sob uncontrollably. 
He said he's trying to do everything he can to make it better because he hates seeing me like this. I feel that when he hugs me he does it because he feels he has to. 
He had sex with this girl up until the very last day he spoke with her about breaking their relationship! The very last day!
Before I even suspected anything we went on a camping trip, alot of his co-workers were there and she was there too. I remember the way he behaved around her, he seemed so happy he took pictures of everyone but you can tell she was the main focus on every one! He had pictures of her on his computer-not one of me. I think back at those 2 years of me feeling angry and resentful because he wouldn't even kiss me on the lips anymore- He gave her everything I longed for. And she told me this first hand.
What do I do with this?


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I do feel your pain, and I am feeling it right now. Last night was the first night I slept for the last 3 weeks. I even got a nap in this afternoon. Having been betrayed I had to come to gripa with my lack of control. The images of the betrayal are the worse. There is no silver bullet. I was focusing on that. It ain't there. You are trying and your actions speak louder than words. Do tell him you love him? It helps me even though she may not love me right now. You didn't do anything bad to make this happen, did you? So take responsility for what you didn't do. Probably just didn't pay enough attention. I feel better today because I know I can't snap my fingers and change things. There are some great people in this forum. You will love the exchanges. There is occasional bad advise. You'll know it when you read it. Pushing will get you nowhere but unhappy or divorced. Talk to your real friends too. I'll get back to you. Oh..try singing and loud music. It helped me.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You are going to need someone to talk to other than your H. It is such a good thing that you found the forum too. You can't just keep it all inside and smile at all your friends and put on the happy face all the time. You need somewhere to let it all out, and you can do that here. 

You don't know me, but my H had an affair as well, for about two weeks with some women he met in a month long school. Things between us were bad, he was depressed after a year long deployment and just didn't want ANYTHING from me. Nothing at all. I found out a year and a half after the affair had stopped. Kinda makes you feel robbed. Then you wonder how they could stare you straight in the face and lie. Then you want to confront them when you feel you are piecing things together. My H told me that he didn't tell me to protect ME. About a month later after thinking about this periodically, I went NO. That isn't right. I was the only one with nothing to lose. He could have lost his promotion, she could have as well, he could have lost me and the kids, but he wasn't really there for us anyway, so I would have basically been okay. He did it to protect himself and with that, her. Then I will flip to other little things. Here is my problem: I need to talk about it until it doesn't hurt anymore. That is my issue that I am working on, but unfortunately I feel like he caused all this pain so he should be willing to help me talk it out. For me it helps, but I by no means recommend it to everyone lol. 
Vent on here. get your thoughts out on here. Find out what you need him to do for him to start rebuilding. To be honest, sometimes I still don't know what I need from my H. Sit down and really think about it. Talk about exchanging lists about what you both need from each other. Good luck and feel free to Private message me if you want to honey. Hang in there.


----------



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yes, resentment can definitely ruin marriage - I know first hand. I let resentment build up and shut out my H. He ended up finding what he needed elsewhere - with a good friend of mine. (who by the way is 8 yrs older so it goes both ways)

BUT I can tell you that as you mentioned, for us it did end up being a way to start over. Our marriage is better & stronger than it's ever been - communicating better, being nice to one another, having sex like crazy and just truly enjoying one another and our marriage. Sad it had to come to this to realize what we had and didn't want to lose.

So, good for you that you found this forum. Also, perhaps you've discussed but going to counseling together helped us too. We only went twice but that helped alot - we talk through things now versus fighting/arguing. Learned alot of things to fix US. 

Good luck to you. By no means is this an easy journey but know it can be a worthwhile one.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Does crying make you feel better? For most of us it does. Its chemistry and biology. Even in the dead of night you should do the things that make you feel happy. If you can't sleep, watch a comedy on tv. Listen to happy music. Get distracted. Type on this forum. In the morning someone will be her for you. Don't quit. I slept many nights this past month with the radio on so my thoughts would be disrupted. It eased the pain.


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

Thanks you guys, I really appreciate the responses. All I read was "4 responses" and I was already crying. 
I dont know if this has ever happened to any of you but when he hasn't hugged me in a while my bones actually ache and I feel flu-ish! He makes me feel better when he hugs me but wow! Was I needing him that much and I just stayed numb until now?
Weird. 
My mother in law came by our house to drop off an invitation when all of this came down, the front door was open. I didn't know she was in the house and she heard me crying really loud in the bathroom. She went to the back to look for my H in the garage and he looked pale and scared. He told me what she said and I will never forget it, she said "I dont know what you did but it was bad, and the only thing you need to know is that even though your father died a long time ago, I cry at night because I'm so angry at him for what he did to me and I hate remembering him that way because I loved him so much, he was a wonderful man!"

Am I doing the wrong thing by bringing it up again? I have unanswered questions. He told me he doesn't want to tell me too much because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...hello??
See I'm the kind of person that when I get my blood drawn, I have to look at the needle going in my skin, I need to know where the pain is coming from. I do research on ancient historical anomalies and everyday I dig and dig for answers because its my nature- now imagine this? 
It feels like my soul is screaming inside of me. 

We own a small piece of land and house in Baja, we go there about 3 times a year. There is a beautiful lighthouse on a giant sand dune where we've celebrated different things with all our family and friends. About 2 weeks ago I was feeling really good, I was sleeping, eating, and we were getting along great I told him that on our next trip we should get re-married on the hill in front of all our friends since ours was a lonely Vegas wedding. 
We wouldn't need any money or anything fancy, as long as our friends and family were there. His response was "we're already married, and I dont want to forget the wedding in Vegas"
The only other people there were my sister as a witness and our 3 year old son. 
He crushed me all over again, I thought he'd jump at the chance to prove something to me. Of course now he says he wants to but do I? Not anymore, I feel terrible about it. I felt so stupid when he responded, I felt silly and desperate. 
Everything he is doing to make things better is based on what I told him I needed so to me it feels false in a way? Like why couldn't he do it on his own? I feel bad for him sometimes because I tell him what I want, he gives it to me and I'm angry.
I'm so confused. I'm so paranoid too. I thought I was so clever about the way I found them out, It actually felt good to know how smart I really was. But then I started thinking what if they already knew what I was doing and were one step ahead of me and planned it so well that even now they are still seeing each other!!! And also I often think smart? -no honey, you were blind for 2 years!!!
And that's what really gets me the "2 years" thing. If I could picture a one night stand, (which I know would have devastated me also) but my brain cannot handle 2 years of images, its just too much!


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I'm so sorry and I can understand. My wife spent 3 years having 2 separate long term affairs on me. I can say that my wife and I are healing greatly, and things are actually wonderful between us now. 

I know the hurt. What I wanted to address were a couple of things you spoke about in particular. 



> Am I doing the wrong thing by bringing it up again? I have unanswered questions. He told me he doesn't want to tell me too much because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings...hello??


In a sense you are both right/correct. There is a fact that he has done this to you and he does owe you the truth, and some answers if you need them. However, the flip side of that coin is that you can't keep going back to the well, bringing it up and talking about it. It's not good for EITHER of you, and will not allow either of you to heal. There comes a time where the past has to become the past and be left in the past. 

There are still times where I might have a question about this or that when I am having one of my bad days, but I have to realize that I can't dwell on these things and I have to choose to not bring it up. There came a time in counselling where we literally said "are there any more questions you need to ask?" And when I said no, I meant it, and the subject of details/questions won't come back up. 

The burden she has to bear is the guilt of her actions. The burden I have to bear is the sometimes nagging unanswered questions that might pop up. As time passes both become less and hopefully one day will become a thing of the past. 

Secondly, I think you could use both some couples counselling, and you also sound as though you could use some individual counselling for some of the deep grief and pain you are feeling. It really does help. In fact what literally turned around and saved my marriage was a week away at some intensive counselling with my wife. It really was huge, it's why the two of us only 3 1/2 months in are healed more and doing better than many people are even a year later.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, Welcome. 
I'm sorry you are going through so much right now...
A lot of us here have been in your shoes, I remember what it was like in the beginning. Finding out about my husband and his affair also devastated everything I believed in. 
I went through every emotion possible.....cried non stop, didn't sleep or eat(look great by the way).
For me the process was like a death, you just have to go through the steps and feel the pain at each stage. After that I was able to think a little clearer and make some decisions for myself.
I think the rejection I felt from my husband in terms of hugs, kisses and just his general interest in me was the hardest to take, he wasn't affectionate before the affair, but for some reason I thought he should be after.
He is better now, we have discussed that I need this to feel good and he makes an effort now to make that happen....
My husband has given me all his passwords to his comp, phone and now is checking in all the time, he spends all his time with me and he no longer is going anywhere without me at night or on the weekends....
My therapist said I shouldn't trust him at this point but judge his actions. He also said the longevity of his actions would help me trust and believe in him again.
I understand what you are saying about feeling dupped. I felt the same way.....How could someone you love not care about you and your feelings....
It's a long road to recovery and when you are sensing bad thoughts try to re-direct your mind to other things.....
Work on yourself, feel good about your son....we can only control what we do......
good luck and I'm glad you have found us here. lots of great people with great advice.....


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

Before I suspected anything, my H and I were having a conversation about our sex life and I mentioned something he hadn't done in a very long time and he said to me laughing "oh I dont do those things to my wife, only my girlfriend!" He always made stupid jokes like that and we were always able to laugh together, I was not a jelous person but this time I actually got mad because our sex life was nothing to be joking about at the time. 
Then another time, during the summer my H decided to take our 8 year old son and his 10 year niece to work with him. When they got home I asked my son if he had fun and what they did. He started telling me which of my H's co-workers were the nicest and then suddenly he said smiling, "oh and dad has a girlfriend." I asked him what he meant and he said
that my H introduced him to the girl that works there and that he said "look son, this is my girlfriend" and I said "oh really?" and my son said "but it was a joke mom" and then I said "I know, your dad is so silly!"

I asked my H why he would behave that way and make such cruel jokes about it right in our faces. 
He dropped his head and said "I swear, I dont know! I'm so sorry!"

Who does this?


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Your son's dad is not silly he's stupid. It was one statement. Men say stupid things. Don't measure your relationship by one statement. Remember, actions speak louder than words.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

up all night said:


> also I often think smart? -no honey, you were blind for 2 years!!!
> And that's what really gets me the "2 years" thing. If I could picture a one night stand, (which I know would have devastated me also) but my brain cannot handle 2 years of images, its just too much!


I am sorry you are going through this. Please stop beating yourself up for having been fooled for 2 years. Some of us have been fooled for much longer time than that.

I have come to believe that a cheater uses what they know of their spouse to deceive them a lot more easily than they could a complete stranger.

Hang in there and give yourself a break.

Those tests of his loyalty to you that he keeps failing? It's too soon for major hoop jumping.

You need to concentrate on yourself. He can't provide what you need yet.

Have you considered going to a marriage counselor?

I think you ought to.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I am going to suggest that you try to get a marriage counselling appointment as soon as you can. I have been working on that myself for the past 2 weeks. Your insurance probably won't cover it so you need to find a reasonably priced resource. I am signed up with 2 programs. The wait is 4 to 6 weeks. Which ever comes first I will take, if my wife (and I) would still be interested. The point being, give yourself the option to be ready if you want and need it. I have spent about 10 hours working on finding something that will work. None of this is easy. It takes commitment.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Up,
Him telling you that he doesn't want to tell you what you need to hear is BULL****. Total BULL****. YOU need to hear it from him, you need to understand what happened, you need details about this TWO YEAR AFFAIR and he is saying it will only hurt you? WRONG. It will only hurt him. YOU already know he cheated. How can the pain get any worse for YOU. HE doesn't want to face what he did. He doesn't want to bring up what happened. He wants a free pass to move on like nothing happened. Total crap. You have every right to find out what happened, what went down, did he use protection, did he compromise you health. You have every right. This minimazation on his behalf is his way of trying to feel less guilty and it is horse****. HE did this and he has to face the music. The whole "moving forward" is nothing more than his attempt at trying to move past his guilt and move on. Wrong. Well of course he doesn't want to feel his guilt. He hurt his wife for 2 years and probably more than that. What a shocker that a coward doesn't want to look in the mirror and see the destruction that he has caused. All of my posts about cheaters are that they are cowards. They all read from the same script. They don't want to own up to what they did because they want to minimize it, blameshift and bull**** their way through life. It is stagerring how much they are all alike. Hold his feet to the flames. YOU DESERVE ANSWERS.


----------



## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I think Brennan is right. If he won't divulge then he can not be trusted. He needs to look you in the eyes and speak to you about Trust is a hard thing to earn back.


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

Thank you for all your feedback. 
Because things have mellowed out for a while, because I'm sleeping better, eating, and being nice, my H believes I've completely recovered. Yes, the periods of me not bringing stuff up are getting longer (which I think is good), but when the anger comes back suddenly he goes off on me for bringing it up again.
Yesterday I told him that I had a lot of unanswered questions and that there was a lot I still want to discuss that I wasn't able to when I was in shock. He replied in a rage saying that no matter what he does or says, he'll be wrong and that he can't win with me.
He said he's starting to get sick and he feels like he's having an anxiety attack. A few days ago I wrote him a 9 page letter about ALL my feelings and I've clipped articles for him (which he said were "too long to read"), I've directed him to web sites and emailed him information and just this morning I emailed him to ask if he read anything, his response was "sorry, I'm mentally exhausted". 
I heard him on his cell phone just last night talking to a couple of his buddies, he was laughing and joking, like normal. He was watching a comedy on tv and cracking up. Anxiety?? I can't even "watch" tv anymore since this happened without zoning out. 
He says he's the victim and he says he feels sick everytime it gets uncomfortable for him. I always back down because I know his job is very stressful, he has so many other projects that he works on and so I really do fear he might have a heart attack. 
I don't know what to do anymore!


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

personally, I think he is full of crap and knows you will back down when he says that. Don't let up on him. Um, yea he was wrong, tell him he can "win" if he answers your questions completely and truthfully. Others have made suggestions like ask 2 questions a week, if the answer is good enough and truthful that is the end of it. Once those questions are answered for that week it is over until next week. Set up some rules, make it a little (not too) comfortable for him to answer your questions.

Sometime when he is laughing it up with his buddies or watching tv, cut in and say something like "looks like your doing pretty good now, how about we talk." Again, don't back down. Tell him you are going to keep bringing it up until this is resolved one way or another.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> but when the anger comes back suddenly he goes off on me for bringing it up again.


He is NOT remorseful. 

You can't get your marriage back until he is. 

I didn't see why he ended his affair. That may have some bearing on all this.

Did you ask for his passwords to his computer and phone so you can check it?

Did you tell him that you need him to let you know where he is if he is not at work or with you?

If you want to heal, he will have to do these things. If he won't, then you know he doesn't really want to be with you. You may be convenient; I don't know enough, but it sounds like he is pretty self-absorbed; if so, he may not be returning your feelings.



> He says he's the victim and he says he feels sick everytime it gets uncomfortable for him. I always back down because I know his job is very stressful, he has so many other projects that he works on and so I really do fear he might have a heart attack.


 I think this is a big mistake on your part. No offense, but he has conditioned you to back down. He knows how to guilt you. And it works. All he has to do is blow up or seem to be suffering, and you STUFF YOUR FEELINGS to save HIS. 

If he loved you, he wouldn't let that happen.

Next time he tries it, call his bluff. DON'T back down.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

Thank you, and you're right. I didn't back down this time (meaning I just spoke with him about an hour ago).

He started having his little hissy fit again and I stopped him.

I told him I was tired of his excuses and of him playing sick, and I told him that I wanted his passwords, bank statements, cell phone records, etc.... He got quiet and asked "is this why you're calling me?" I said said "Yes, and if you feel like you're gonna have some kind of an attack, go ahead and have one but don't blame me!" I hung up and text him "AND I WANT ALL OF THAT TODAY!"


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Stay strong once he is home. It is sometimes easier when the person is not right in front of us.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

One month ago you found out about adultery. Before thing deteriorated to infidelity there were issues in the marriage that lead it there, and part of it is the way he treats you. 

Just so you know, I was a disloyal spouse and I gave my Dear Hubby access to all of my emails, facebook, IM's, accounts EVERYTHING. My monitor faces toward him so he can see what I'm doing. He's free to check up on me any day he wants--keyloggers or anything that makes him feel secure--because his feelings matter to me and because I'm not doing anything that even has the appearance of evil!

So stay firm in requiring this. It is NOT invading his privacy. Privacy is closing the door when you go to the bathroom. SECRECY is when you hide things from your spouse about your affair.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you ok?


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Here could be a couple of reasons for ending an affair...the OW gets pregnant then gets an abortion...the OW gets pregnant decides to keep it and raise it without telling a soul and if she has a partner she'd make them think it was theirs as long as they'd believe it..or just plain boredom..or if the offending 'cheaters' partner finds out then eventually it will die down because it is no longer sneaky..but the biggest reason is 1 of them falls 'in love' when it's only about the feel good sex..honestly...even when having an affair a person can feel guilty and not really enjoy it fully (the sex part) but continue to do it for some underlying reason:scratchhead:..how do I know this..because that person who didn't really enjoy it and still felt guilty about it was me..so go ahead and hate..because I already do.


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

How's it going UAN? you doing ok?


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

No, I'm not okay. I'm pretty far from it. I stood my ground. I waited until things were quiet and had time to talk. I asked him if he was ready to talk and he said "about what??" I kept on.. He did give me his bank statements that I had asked for but when I told him I wanted his passwords he flipped! He kept asking "what are you going to accomplish by having these?" And saying "things are gonna be f'd up anyway regardless I answer your questions and give you passwords!" I kept on.... He started playing sick again, then he was sooooo tired and stressed out. I kept on. He really ddnt answer my questions, he argued his way around thm. I got up to use the restroom and when I sat back down on the sofa I suddenly got an overwhelming sense of sadness, mostly for our son. I couldnt ask him anymore questions I started to cry a bit and then lost it! Id built up so much anger the last few weeks that I couldn't cry anymore. But now I started again. I think its out of so much frustration. I sat there next to this man on the sofa and sobbed for a good 15 minutes. He didnt reach out to me, didn't say a word to me, he didn't even turn to look at me. I went to the bathroom to get tissue and broke down even harder. I needed to. It felt good but it also felt horrible that my H saw me go from a hard angry woman to a hurt and crying mess and he did nothing. He heard me cry for one whole hour and did nothing but stare at the tv.
I sware to you all- I am not a drama queen, I think the only time he saw me cry was at a friends funeral. I dont try to get attention that way either. Never. But I was crying so much it was hard to keep myself quiet even behind a closed door. WellI think you guys get it. 
This morning and all day today- nothing.
So even now, if he gave me what I asked for how can I move on with the calousness he showed me last night? He is telling me straight out- "I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU AND I DONT LOVE YOU!" 

Honestly I think my work is done here.


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

By the way, I really appreciate you guys checking up on me. That is way cool. Thank you!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, the only way he will ever realize he does want and need you, is for you to kick him out. In a normal affair, you could just expose the affair and demand these things, and he'd be shamed and come home. But he has BIGGER issues, which I think will keep him from following the standard path to recovery. He needs therapy. 

If he doesn't change, my advice would be to kick him out and see a lawyer for a separation. For now, at least.

But I would still tell everyone about his cheating.


----------



## up all night (May 12, 2010)

Thank you Turnera- What seems to be the difference on "telling everyone" and not telling- I know for me, I feel so ashamed, really! Is this normal?? And does telling everyone include our son? Because trust me once his family and relatives find out it's going to spread like wild fire! And sooner or later my son WILL find out. 
And you know what? I think your right about me being convenient.
I'm so tired of thinking.


----------



## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

Up all night, 

You are in a great place with this forum, all of us are here to support you. I know and understand your pain, I caught my wife back in September of last year, talked to both her and the OM and told them to stop which did not until December. I was always suspicious as she and he denied anything ever happened, and then 3 weeks ago, my sixth sense kept bugging me about the matter. I finally dropped the ball on her and she has KIND OF confessed. I still have overwhelming evidence of this being a sexual and emotional affair and that the sex was more than once and she is still denying this. 

Please be firm with him. Do not let him just try to sweep this under the carpet as my wife is trying to do. If he succeeds with this action, your gut will always tell you something is wrong, and at a later date it will come to haunt the both of you. 

One more bit of advice. I don't care what anyone says, we all have a sixth sense. Learn to listen to it, and don't let your emotions control the situation. When your sixth sense is sounding the bells of alarm, learn to respond to it with control and let this be a guide for you.

If you want to take the time to read my story, it's under the thread "going insane" by culinary1972. I hope my story can help you in any way whatsoever.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I believe it total honesty. ALWAYS. WITH EVERYTHING. Your son will trust you and your spouse more, if he is told the truth. How old is he? Tell him in age appropriate language.


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

As I was reading your post I was thinking you may want to toss him out. Basically I agree with turnera.

yes I think you should tell your son.

We are not going anywhere and are here.


----------



## culinary1972 (Oct 14, 2009)

Hang in there, we are all here for you if you need us.


----------

