# 22 year marriage wasted over herpes



## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

I am a 47 year old man married for 22 years. I have 3 children, 6, 12 and 15. Girl, boy, boy. I met my wife in 1987 in a bar and we slept together the first night. I thought she was kind of outgoing the way she acted on the first night. After a few dates, we made love nearly every time and she would spend the night. I fell in love quickly and we married about a year and a half later.
Before we married I had several doubts. We had no real connection and our conversations were not compatible. Before we got engaged, I found out I had contracted herpes from her. She did not deny this and even told me who she thought it was. I was very insecure then and thought that as she was a beautiful girl that loved me, I should marry her as I had no other prosepects. I know that sounds shallow but I was very insecure, in spite of being a fairly attractive man. 
We were married in 1989 and had our first child in 1985. On our honeymoon, we made love once. Since then, our love life has dwindled! We are two different people. She feels sex is dirty and the past few times I have tried, her knees are locked together. My wife is a wonderful person who no one would have a problem with. She is just very simple and plain and is nothing like me. I love her like a sister and we have a very strong connection to our kids. She just seems to be happy living a passion free life as long as everyone thinks our life is normal. 
My wife allows me to go out every night, anytime I want with no questions asked. I have been faithful all but 3 times, and we have not made love in over 8 months. I have now found a woman who is a year older than me and is exactly like me. I am having an affair and we are totally in love. The sex is incredible and our friendship is even better. She has 2 children, one 22 and one 12. The 12 year old lives with her. 
I feel like my whole marriage has been a sham that I was tricked into because I thought herpes meant the end of the world. Now, years later, I never have a breakout unless I have sex with my wife. I have not had a breakout in over a year. Unfortunately, I have not told the other woman about this problem. I am sure she would get around it but I don't know.
I know about the risks without a breakout so please don't lecture me. 
Is this grounds for divorce? Do I not deserve some happiness? My only concern is for my children. I don't want them to feel abandoned even though I would not be far away and would see them nearly every day. 
I have been so lonely for the past 20 years. I spend a lot of time alone and it is hard to believe this problem hasn't raised its head before. I have always known that there was someone out there like me that would come along. 
Please give me some advice on what I should do about my marriage and how I can tell the other woman that I have herpes. I am spilling my heart out here and I hope someone is listening.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Do you realize what you are doing to that woman by exposing her to herpes?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

If your Wang has herpes please keep it out of non infected vaginas. It's your legal and moral obligation to inform any potential sexual partner of your condition. Can't handle this? Stay celibate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Get counseling and see if it helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Where to start?! You need to stop seeing the other woman. That relationship isn't real. Then, you need to see an individual therapist and work through your issues. You may then be able to decide what to do about your marriage and family.

You also need to tell the other woman you have herpes, so that she can be tested.

The stress level will become unbearable if you continue on this path.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I guess it's easy to demonize your wife when you have allowed your self to cheat and have fallen for some else.

At the time I am sure you had very strong feelings for your wife and loved her, but it's easy to look back and think about all the bad things.

I'm sure you new love seems wonderful in comparison to the daily grind and looking after three children.

What you should have done is sought counseling with your wife and tried to fix your marital problems instead of stepping out.

Now you have exposed someone else to herpes. There is no excuse for that, you can transmit it without having the signs present and it can lay dormant and pop up in years to come. What you are doing is beyond selfish to both these women.


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## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

Thank you all for telling me what an ahole I am. I think my biggest fault is that I have always been insecure in my relationships and once I found out I had herpes I figured I had to either stay with her or go through a life of rejection after telling any potential mates about my condition. 
I am seeing the other woman tonight and I am going to tell her straight out. I guess we'll see if my theory is correct. Just fyi, I know I have made a huge moral mistake by getting involved with her before informing her. I know it was a very selfish and cruel thing to do. 
So please tell me, when you have herpes, what is the proper way to broach this subject with prospective love interests? Do I tell them on the first date and sit back and way for the shower of affection? Do I wait until we are ready to make love and spring it on them then? No. There is no way. You are right, I should be celibate. I am doing to this woman exactly what was done to me. As you said, the stress level is unbearable. I am not a monster running around spreading herpes. With this woman, it happened kind of fast and my mind allowed me to forget all about my condition. I just wanted to feel normal and loved with passion. 
And by the way, raising three kids has never been a "grind" for me or my wife. We totally get along and have a great relationship with our kids. She loves her life and is happy basically living on her own. As I said, she has no interest in my personal life or what I do. I literally could stay out all night and come home at 6 am with no questions asked. This is not something I created, she has always been like that. She is strictly a homebody and does not like to go out much. I guess therapy could help but she would have to change who she is to repair this marriage and even if it were possible, I wouldn't ask anyone to change who they are to match someone else, including myself. I know there are lots of men out there that would love a woman like this and I think she is cheating herself by staying with me and I am doing the same. 
I'm sorry if I sound combative to the readers that replied to this. I really appreciate any input and I am open to you opinions.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I really don't know how to respond to some of your post. You are really in a bad spot and will not see things in a clear light. Because you are involved in an affair you only see many of your wife's attributes in a negative way. The mistress is seen only in a glowing light now. She's perfect because you are feeling in love. Deep down your wife probably isn't happy with how her life is going. I was once that homebody wife that was tossed. Believe me; I did know what my wayward spouse was doing--and I was dying inside. But if you really feel this way about your wife and family, DO THE RIGHT THING. Get a divorce.

I really don't think the herpes is your only issue. Many people deal with it and have normal healthy sex lives. But, people who have herpes need to be up front with potential sexual partners before having sex. It's hard to say how your mistress will react to your announcement.....since it is now after you've had sex.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

You did not tell the other woman that YOU HAVE A VIUS THAT STAYS WITH YOU FOR LIFE??
*Beyond* selfish and it as NOTHING to do with being judgemental.
Another person's long term health is in question!
WOW.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

The problem you have (well, among many, many others) is that you are not testing your theory that other partners would reject you upon hearing you have herpes. You see, you will be telling her that you knowingly exposed her to herpes (unless you intend to lie about that, which is yet another problem). I would be much more likely to reject someone with a disease because they LIED to me rather than just because they have it. So, if she rejects you, you won't know if she rejected you because of the herpes or because you lied to her about the herpes. 

As for the rest...well, you made your decision. Perhaps you were ignorant at the time about what kind of life you could have, but you've since become more informed. If you aren't happy, you have the power to fix that. But you fix that by either working things out with your wife, or by ending the marriage before moving on to another woman. 

Btw, you haven't told the current affair partner about the herpes, and you said you've cheated 3 other times. Did you inform those women?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I hope you at least had protected sex with your affairs...


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

You knew you had genital herpes and you still had sex with other women? Without telling them? And your 47 years old? Do you really need or want our opinions? I have never judged anyone before now. I'm sorry but that is cruel.


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## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your replies, especially 827AUG, Pandakiss, and Greeneyeddolphin. This is the wrong forum for me to expect any one of you that does not have herpes to understand my plight. As long as I have had it I have never told a soul and no one I have ever known has told me that they had herpes. That being said, the stats are roughly 1 in 5 people that have it. That means I am probably not the only one in this thread that has it. Yes I have always worn a condom and in each of the prior cases, it was a one night stand. In the world of one night stands, there is an implied knowledge that either one of you could have a STD, thats why we wear the condoms. In the case of my new friend, I admit, it went farther than I wanted before telling her. However, last night, I did tell her. We discussed it for hours with some tears. What I found out will likely not shock you. She admitted that she is also positive for herpes. So go ahead and say it, we deserve each other. She had the same insecurities as I had since she found out. She also was unsure how to tell me because she had never told anyone before either. She got it from a past boyfriend before they were to be married much like my situation, however, she was stronger than I and did not go through with the marriage. So this part of the story is working itself out.
I'd like to address some other comments about my wife and my attitude toward her. I don't think I said anything that would demonize her. In fact, I think she is one of the nicest and most gentle people I know. We rarely fight and are always willing to help each other. We are raising our kids together and have little problems with that. I don't even blame her for passing the virus to me as I truely do not believe she was aware of it. I think our problem is that two very different people came together out of fear and ignorance and we both have tried to force our relationship to work. I will not tell her about the affair and I am going to cut it off until we are divorced. I do not want to "toss her to the side" as someone said. I plan on being there to raise our kids and to help her in any way she needs. I have just been so lonely for so many years because I don't have anyone to really share my deepest thoughts and feelings. She does not get me, nor do I think she has the capacity. I think she deserves a chance to be with someone more condusive to her lifestyle and I know there are lots of men that would love a woman like this. I can see us being friends in the future. I know in my heart that these feelings are not going to go away as I have had them for 20 years. I can stay and raise the kids but when they are gone, I know I will not stay. I think I would be doing my wife a great injustice by this because she too will have lived nearly her whole life never having the right mate. I think if she was more self aware, she would agree. I have been reading a lot of threads on this site in the last few days and there are a lot of bitter people out there that have lived most of their lives never really knowing true love and true passion. I don't want to be one of those people. I have made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I think I am on the right track this time.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Interesting how the talk went with the other woman. I hope that she also starts telling potential sex partners of the herpes. A lot of people do have the virus. But, a lot do not. I would really question the very moral fiber of someone who did not tell his/her potential lover of the condition before hand. It says a lot about that person. Among other things it would lead me to believe that person is dishonest. Keep that in mind for the future. The truth is always the best way to go.

I also commend you for breaking off the affair. No matter how bad a marriage is an affair is never the way to go. Affairs hurt everyone.... even those having the affairs. 

Hope you find happiness and contentment.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

unhappyinky said:


> So please tell me, when you have herpes, what is the proper way to broach this subject with prospective love interests? Do I tell them on the first date and sit back and way for the shower of affection? Do I wait until we are ready to make love and spring it on them then? No. There is no way.


Herbes is a royal drag. No doubt about it. But it is not the end of the world. A very good friend of mine has it. Before becoming intimate with her now husband, she sat him down and told him. She told him the risks and how to mitigate them. She handed him literature. He chose to be with her.




> You are right, I should be celibate. I am doing to this woman exactly what was done to me. As you said, the stress level is unbearable. I am not a monster running around spreading herpes. With this woman, it happened kind of fast and my mind allowed me to forget all about my condition. I just wanted to feel normal and loved with passion.
> And by the way, raising three kids has never been a "grind" for me or my wife. We totally get along and have a great relationship with our kids. She loves her life and is happy basically living on her own. As I said, she has no interest in my personal life or what I do. I literally could stay out all night and come home at 6 am with no questions asked. This is not something I created, she has always been like that. She is strictly a homebody and does not like to go out much. I guess therapy could help but she would have to change who she is to repair this marriage and even if it were possible, I wouldn't ask anyone to change who they are to match someone else, including myself. I know there are lots of men out there that would love a woman like this and I think she is cheating herself by staying with me and I am doing the same.
> I'm sorry if I sound combative to the readers that replied to this. I really appreciate any input and I am open to you opinions.


You've made a mistake. Learn from it.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

unhappyinky said:


> Thank you everyone for your replies, especially 827AUG, Pandakiss, and Greeneyeddolphin. This is the wrong forum for me to expect any one of you that does not have herpes to understand my plight.


I am sorry that is woe is me BULL****. Loads of people have herpes and live perfectly satisfying lives in ethical non assholish ways. I know several personally who are happily married to partners who were fully aware of their disease beforehand.

Get your head out of your self pittying fanny and get right with yourself and the people in your life.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Have you given any thought to the fact that not only did the OW knowingly get involved with a married man, she also didn't bother to inform you she has an STD? That in its self tells a lot about her moral fiber. If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Have you given any thought to the fact that not only did the OW knowingly get involved with a married man, she also didn't bother to inform you she has an STD? That in its self tells a lot about her moral fiber. If they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He also cheated on his wife with this woman and knowingly exposed his mistress to his existing herpes without telling her.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He also cheated on his wife with this woman and knowingly exposed his mistress to his existing herpes without telling her.


I realize that, I figured everyone else had already called him out on that. I was trying to point out the fact that his OW isn't all that great as he seems to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> I realize that, I figured everyone else had already called him out on that. I was trying to point out the fact that his OW isn't all that great as he seems to think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You mean she doesn't fart rainbows and ride a unicorn? Quelle surprise.


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## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

Thank you for your comment Aug827. I did realize the moral dilema presented by her admission. To be honest, I initially felt betrayed by her that she would have done that knowing I was married with children. But then it dawned on me, I was doing the same exact thing to her. How ironic. Now I just wonder what kind of person I am to have done that to someone. I am ashamed. All I can say is that when you have a one night stand, you are signing up for a lot. I can not imagine what I could have done to the life of someone not infected. What the F does that say about me?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unhappyinky said:


> Thank you for your comment Aug827. I did realize the moral dilema presented by her admission. To be honest, I initially felt betrayed by her that she would have done that knowing I was married with children. But then it dawned on me, I was doing the same exact thing to her. How ironic. Now I just wonder what kind of person I am to have done that to someone. I am ashamed. All I can say is that when you have a one night stand, you are signing up for a lot. I can not imagine what I could have done to the life of someone not infected. What the F does that say about me?


Honestly? It says you're a pretty self centered, low moral individual, willing to ruin someone else's life for your own short term pleasure.

Having said that, I don't have herpes and can't say I've walked a mile in your shoes. But I can't imagine KNOWING I have an incurable STI and not warning a prospective sexual partner. If she choses to continue, it's an informed decision. If she doesn't, say hello to Rosie Palm and the Finger sisters... My sexual pleasure wouldn't be worth permanently changing someone else's life.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

wow, I am very glad that she also had herpes. But I wont get into that, as you have already delt with that issue.


Honesty. Be honest with your wife. Cut off your affair right now. And maybe not tell your wife right now about the affair. But you need to be honest with her of your feelings.
Tell her that you are lonely. If she doesn't care that you go out, she might not mind an open relationship. But the first step is with your wife and telling her what is going on with you at the moment. If you both feel is right to get a divorce, then do so. After the dust settles you will know what is right and what you should do. 
Emotions that get too powerful like yours are right now, they fog us thinking clearly. And we are just a truck running through walls. 
So stop, and think.
Be honest with your wife, with at least your feelings and situation.
Work on the marriage, or divorce, whatever you both decide that will make you happy.


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## seeker675 (Jul 14, 2011)

unhappyinky,

Ignore all the judgement. This should be a support forum 

Here's my advice- it's pretty good so listen up boy!

Couples therapy. For your sake and your children give it a try and see if there is anything left in your marriage. Believe it or not therapists often recommend divorce.

If therapy gets you nowhere then take a break from your wife. A trial separation. Separate and see how you/her/children react. Is it manageable? Is it financially feasible? Will you miss your marriage? Will you miss her? I would say rent an apartment for a couple months and try that out. Don't see the other woman until you have another legal address. Date the other woman. Get into a routine with her. See what the day to day feels like.

Evaluate after a couple months or however long it takes. You may find a different result than you expected.

In the future, if you ever get romantically involved with a woman you need to be honest about your health issues before becoming sexually active. It is a risk but it is your responsibility.

Good luck friend!


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## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

Wow. The last two posts to this were the most profound to me. I know I stirred up two issues here and this is probably not the correct forum for that. 
I will say that as for the herpes issue, I realized the incredibly selfish and uncaring attitude I have had. I have been reading some forums on that and I do see the many options available for people that have herpes. I never thought about a specific dating site for people with herpes. If that had been available in 1989 before I was married it would have been a different outcome. I know I have seemed callous in my posts but I will never expose anyone to this again. So please, lets close that part. 

As far as the marriage situation, I agree with you on how to proceed. We have been to counseling before and one told us we were not compatible. Another suggested the open relationship as she was not interested much in sex. I never put much faith in either of their suggestions. It's not fair to ask my wife to allow me to run around just because she has no interest in sex. We have tried to investigate this problem to see why she is this way but she is not very open about it. She started losing interest in sex shortly after we were married. What's crazy is that in the past 8 or so months of no sex, she has continued to get her birth control pills and take them. I know exactly what anyone would think but she is not also having an affair. We may be different, but we live very closely. She has no time for anything nor is she that type of person. I think that she is just trying to hold on to normalcy but when it comes to sex, she just doesn't want it. 
We discussed divorce after my first son was about 2 years old. She said then that she understood we were different and that she would do whatever I wanted. I looked at her and that little baby and I couldn't do it. The rest is history. 
As for a trial separation, it would be easy to do as we own rental property that I am working on and I have an available apartment. In my initial post I talked about being able to go out anytime I wanted. I wasn't talking about hanging out at bars, I work on my apartments all the time. That is where I am spending most of my time away but it does lead to hanging out with friends and drinking type situations. The problem is that over the years I have legitimately been working over there and not fooling around so she has pretty much complete faith that this is where I am when I am not at home now. 
My thought was that we could try a separation and I could move over to our apartments and still be able to help with the kids and the house. The apartment is 2 miles from our house. I just hope that if this does end in divorce that she will let us continue to be friends and make it to where I could see the kids every day and help with the house. 
The strangest part of this is that we actually don't fight and we love each other. We are two people that have spent the majority of their adult life together that are friends and raising three children. I think we both know that we're not gonna make it to the end together but she's not willing to admit it. I guarantee she feels the same way I did before I educated myself on our "virus". She feels like damaged goods and thinks no one would want her. She would never tell me this but she was raised with a lot of guilt (like everyone). I don't know if this sheds any light to my situation or in any way brings it to a close, but there it is. 
By the way, I am at our apartments now in my garage with the stereo cranked and I have been drinking! Sometimes it's the simple things in life that make you the happiest.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

unhappyinky said:


> Wow. The last two posts to this were the most profound to me. I know I stirred up two issues here and this is probably not the correct forum for that.
> I will say that as for the herpes issue, I realized the incredibly selfish and uncaring attitude I have had. I have been reading some forums on that and I do see the many options available for people that have herpes. I never thought about a specific dating site for people with herpes. If that had been available in 1989 before I was married it would have been a different outcome. I know I have seemed callous in my posts but I will never expose anyone to this again. So please, lets close that part.
> 
> As far as the marriage situation, I agree with you on how to proceed. We have been to counseling before and one told us we were not compatible. Another suggested the open relationship as she was not interested much in sex. I never put much faith in either of their suggestions. It's not fair to ask my wife to allow me to run around just because she has no interest in sex. We have tried to investigate this problem to see why she is this way but she is not very open about it. She started losing interest in sex shortly after we were married. What's crazy is that in the past 8 or so months of no sex, she has continued to get her birth control pills and take them. I know exactly what anyone would think but she is not also having an affair. We may be different, but we live very closely. She has no time for anything nor is she that type of person. I think that she is just trying to hold on to normalcy but when it comes to sex, she just doesn't want it.
> ...


You need major individual therapy. Your problems are within you and will follow you to another relationship. Your wife is miserable, and you way of handling things is an affair? Sorry. Get yourself some help before you make any decisions.

And please pick a faith based therapist. The ones you have used before suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though you are making progress already. Congrats! You may also want to read some marriage/self-help books or try individual counseling. Keep working on yourself, and many things will be possible in your life.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Wow... this quite the Zombie thread.


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