# Counseling??



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

My H was having an EA, and he hates when I bring it up to talk about it. He knows I have talked to my close friends about it so now he doesn't want to be around any of them fearing that they are "judging" him. ( well duh!!)

I suggested him talking about it to someone and he flipped out asking "who in the h*ll would I want to talk to about it? who do you suggest, I say " oh hey man, I f*cked up, I (blah blah). "
I said maybe a close friend or his sister he's closest to,,,, which got a blown up response " I ain't talking to my f*ckin family about this." Any other bright ideas"

How should I try to get him to counseling? I think he has some strong issues that he needs help with.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

The only thing that got through to my wife was watching me take down the wedding photos and pack a bag. You have to threaten to leave. And more importantly, you have to mean it. If he doesn't recognise what he's about to lose then you need to show him, and if he still doesn't care, then walk away. Very easy to say. Hard to do.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He cheated on you. You are in control now. He has to do whatever you need him to do in order to earn you back. And if that means counseling, then he needs to do it. He'll do it if he really wants you back. Counseling is not a sign of weakness for any man. We aren't given all of the tools we need in life to handles every situation.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

The other day he (asked me) what was on my mind which I warned him he wouldn't like,,, I had been thinking about things and asked him one question about previous contact with OW ( even before we were together) and he flipped out,,,, saying that what happened before us has nothing to do with us now. He started yelling at me,, he even growled at me ( All this was over the phone since he's not home much). That's when he finally told me about his multiple cheating while married to his second wife ( juggling 2-4 women at the same time). Then he asked me if I wanted to keep digging??? 

So I dropped it for then,, that was shock enough for the time.
So I feel that he has the "need" to feel desired by more than just one woman at a time?? He said his EA was kinda an ego boost.

I'm kinda scared to find out what other skeletons would come out. I have totally disclosed all my past to him, (including sexual abuse) early on in our marriage so there would be no secrets. Wish I would of gotten the same respect.
He has not been transparent, he actually changed his FB password soon after Dday, and still keeps his computer password protected. ( which I set up a camera and got both passwords, he doesn't have a clue I know). So far nothing on computer except lots of porn.
I think his issues should be for a counselor to decipher, not me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As one who also had an EA, he's existing without boundaries. And you need to put those boundaries in place. That means you freely get all passwords and anything else.

As far as his past, and his EA, I think you nailed the reason for him doing it - ego. You obviously liked what you saw in him without knowing his ugly past. But now the EA had put a fresh light on his past. It's part of him. If he doesn't like who he is or was, or what he did, counseling will help him. He needs to get it all off of his chest, and a counselor is the perfect person to say it all to. 

In the meantime, put the boundaries in place. If he can't accept the boundaries, perhaps it's time for MC or filing for divorce. You can't live a happy life under the current circumstances of having to play detective every day.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

And I understand "everyone" has a past, and yes I liked him even before I knew... would it have made a difference ( the same as other post about the sexual abuse)??? Who knows?? I may not of been so trusting,,, so can't say if it would of influenced me marrying him or not.

Will it keep me from feeling secure and safe from affairs in the future?? Can't answer that one either.
If he doesn't try to understand what draws him into them , then I can't see us making it past this.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

It's a past that he's not proud of obviously. Most would not share such details without fear of losing a chance at their mate. You mean that much to him that he needed to not share it. Once he got caught, he probably thought that he had just lost you, and shared the rest later out of fear of the future and the decisions you need to make on your marriage.

The level of trust you once had in him is gone, forever. You can only have him regain most of it back. All of it is now impossible. If you want to keep him, it has to be under your rules and expectations. But you have to tell him "I love you, and want you to remain my husband. But in order for this to happen, I need this......." and fill in the blanks. Counseling (IC and MC for both) is a must. Boundaries are a must. Complete transparency is a must. Encourage him to seek help on working on himself. Remember, take control, and be supportive where it's needed.

If you don't want him anymore, you know what you have to do.

Good luck


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He is being TOTALLY unreasonable. Whether he wants to talk about it or not is totally irrelevant. I also think you need to pack up and leave if he won't smarten up!! Or better yet, pack HIM up and change the locks. He wants to bury it all and if you guys do that it will fester for years to come and I doubt you will ever be happy. If he is refusing to talk about it then he is also refusing to be truly remorseful.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

When our affairs were exposed, I talked to the following people;
2 sisters
An Uncle
A Cousin
2 of my very best friends

My wife talked to her sister.

I felt that I needed the advice of as many people as I could in order to make an informed decision.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

He says he's too ashamed and embarrassed to talk to anyone about it,, now he avoids anyone he knows I've told too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's too bad for him. He SHOULD be ashamed and embarrassed. But he doesn't get to just avoid being ashamed and embarrassed. He ****ed up royally and this is one thing that he has to live through in order to get you back.

My husband is ashamed and embarrassed about what he did too, but he talks about it if I need him to. He also apologizes for it when he can tell I need him to. He talked about it to a counselor for almost a year after D day, and he talks about it in Sex Addicts Anonymous and in marriage counseling too. He doesn't talk about it with his parents or my parents or the kids, but they all know what he did (in general terms anyway). And he knows my friends and family know, but he doesn't hide from them or refuse to see them because of it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't blame him for avoiding anyone you told. It's a shame we cheaters wear 24 hours a day, until the end of time.

When I told my counselor, who I was seeing for IC before the EA was discovered by my wife, I put it in writing and handed it over. It was the only way I could "say" it. I sat there with my head down in shame as the counselor read it. It is embarrassing. But I know that the counselor is not allowed to talk to anyone else about me without my permission. Plus, I do not know the counselor personally. So when the reading was done, the work began. I was able to say anything now that my mental pants were down.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

But it's like he's more upset about "who knows" than he is about what he did.. 

He didn't confess to me or anyone,, I had to find out on my own or he would still be in it. 

He thinks that the less people know the quicker it will go away to make "him" feel better,,,,not worried about how to make "me" feel better. He says he's sorry and knows it was wrong and if he could take it back he would ( of course, who wouldn't say that). But he thinks that since he's saying he's sorry, I should be able to just get over it and not bring it up anymore because it reminds "him" of what he did.

When confronted, he told me that during his EA he thought that my mom ( been gone 7 yrs now) would be upset at him,, but admitted that he didn't even think of me.....


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Of course he's concerned about who knows. And the reason he is is because of what he did. You can't separate the two.

Did he confess to you after you caught him? I confessed to my wife when I was caught. I haven't told anyone else (except my counselor). Neither has she (that I now of). That's been her request.

The only way he is going to feel better is to care about what you need to feel better. Otherwise, all he is doing is still hurting you. Tell him this, please. 

He's said he's sorry. Now he needs to act like he's sorry as well. The two need to be connected in order to be sincere. There's no avoiding it. 

As for thinking of your mom, he really was thinking of you. How could he not when he's thinking about YOUR mom? He knows that your mom would tell you what your H is doing, and how you need to leave him. He was thinking of the collateral damage he was doing. I can guarantee he was thinking of you. I did the same when I was in my EA. I was worried about my adult kids finding out. I thought that I could manage my wife since I was already successful at hiding the EA from her. I knew her every move, and how I had to act. As for family members, I couldn't control too much. So I had to worry about what they did, who they talked to, who they knew, and so on. 

He was concerned about you. You can bet on it.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Did he confess to you after you caught him? I confessed to my wife when I was caught. I haven't told anyone else (except my counselor). Neither has she (that I now of). That's been her request.


He said they were only "friends" and he got very defensive and accusing to me. Yelling at me and putting his finger in my face saying he better not catch me ( pretty much saying he figured I was doing the same).. to justify himself I suppose. And to throw blame off of him. Said she was a school friend,, which was a lie,, he didn't meet her till 98 (he graduated in 81) while he was meeting up with his xgf from high school,,(while married to someone else) ,,,, 

He said he didn't tell me because of being a truck driver,,yet he never goes to where she lives ( few states away),,,.so just excuses....and lies.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

When I went to everyone and confessed, I was not judged or looked down on by any of my friends or family.
People make mistakes. Owning up to them and correcting them are what makes us honorable.
My people still love me, and we are all still in contact.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Well, while you are waiting for him to confess everything to you (which you need to demand), you need to plan your exit strategy. 

Hope for the best, be prepared for the worst. If you can't save him, at least save yourself.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

It's been 9 weeks since Dday,,, and I went through all the questions I feel he has lied about,, and tried to get him to answer them again..which are ones I get different stories about... which instead of wanting to help me understand and asking what I don't believe,, he just says "well as I have explained this to you 5 or 6 times,, it's not gonna matter what I say, you've got your mind made up so you need to figure out if you want to stay married"

And after arguing over it again,, he says " my answers don't change, you just hear what you want to hear" ( but they do change).

I don't know how much longer I have to wait for the truth?? Or if I ever will get it.

I know,,,I know what needs to be done,, yet I continue beating myself up over it... I guess talking on here and venting just helps,,, knowing I'm not alone. I'm in limbo and am just wanting something from him to let me know he is willing to help... But I don't think I'm going to get that.... unfortunately


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Your husband sounds very abusive to me, and is projecting anger at himself to you. He also sounds like a big fat baby. 

Given his awful past, and what he did to you, do you really think you will be able to trust him ever again? I wouldn't. He sounds horrible. If I were you, I would get the F out of dodge before he does something dangerous.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BTW, marriage counseling is pointless right now. He isn't remorseful, isn't willing to accommodate your needs. Counseling only works if he is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If my hubby had acted like that 9 weeks after D day I would NOT be with him today. Yours is being totally selfish. You need to take control here and kick him to the curb, or hit him with a 2 x 4, and make plans to get yourself OUT of this relationship.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> If my hubby had acted like that 9 weeks after D day I would NOT be with him today. Yours is being totally selfish. You need to take control here and kick him to the curb, or hit him with a 2 x 4, and make plans to get yourself OUT of this relationship.


I know, it's hard though,,, was really hoping he would of been more willing to talk and feel remorse. Oddly enough I don't want to hurt him ( slap myself),, seeing how he didn't care to hurt me.

But I know he's not going to come clean to me so I know I'm going to have to threaten (or file 4) divorce and see if that changes his thinking and actions,,, sadly enough I doubt that it will. 

I am hoping to hear back from OWH soon also. I am not sure when he is planned on confronting her with all the call and text records I e-mailed him, so we can compare stories that she tells him.


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