# I just don't know what to do



## john22 (Oct 22, 2009)

Hi, I'm new here and I am looking for some advice. I apologize in advance as this is rather long.

I am 32 years old and have been married to my wife for a little over 8 years. We have been together for 13 years and she is one year younger than me. We have 2 children, ages 4 and 1. I love them more than anything and would do anything for them.

I'll start with a little background. We got together when we were both in our late teens. We moved kind of fast, living together after about a year and a half of dating. After about 2 years, she left me for a few days saying that she needed some time. I knew what that meant. There was someone else. I didn't want her to stay with me if she wasn't happy, so I let her go and promised not to call her. She called me 2 days later and was upset and wanted me to take her back. We talked, and I told her that I was in love with her and she said she felt the same and we got back together. This happened again about a year later. Pretty much the same situation. When we got back together, I told her that she was the only one I wanted to be with and asked her if she honestly felt the same. She said that she did. Before going any further, I wanted to know what happened. I wanted to know if she cheated. She said that she went out with a guy from her job the first time, and with someone that she met at the car dealership the second time, and only kissed each of them. Nothing more. I know, I'm pretty naive. More on this in a bit.

About 6 months ago, I noticed her acting strange. She was being weird with the computer, closing windows when I entered the room, leaving the room when her phone rang, etc. I asked her if something was up, and she said everything was fine. I just didn't buy it, and ended up doing things I really didn't want to do. I started snooping and found that she had been in contact with an ex-boyfriend from before we were dating. I found out that they had been talking/texting alot and found that she drove over an hour one time to see him. I confronted her and she admitted all of this, but denied anything physical or emotional. I checked phone records and internet history and it looks as if I caught this pretty early on. They look as if they'd only been talking for a week or two. She told me that she didn't tell me about it because she knew I wouldn't approve. Duh. She claimed that she went to see him for something work related.

Needless to say, this has caused many problems for us, especially considering our past which I thought was behind us. It ended up with us in marriage counseling. I told her how important it is to be honest with me. Trust is the most important thing for me. Without it, nothing else really matters. Everything in a marriage is built on truth and honesty. 

Well, one night shortly after this, she gave me some honesty. We started talking about why she lies (I've caught her lying in the past about traffic tickets, how much money she spent on something, etc) and does some of the other things that she does when the topic of her needing time while we were dating came up. She told me that she did more than just kiss the first guy she cheated on me with. She said that she was seeing this guy behind my back for a few weeks and she gave him oral sex a few times. She said that they didn't have sex and that she never let him touch her. This has me pretty messed up. See, I wasn't very sexually active before I met her. Sure, I fooled around with a bunch of girls, but never had any kind of sex with anyone until I was 17. I lost my virginity to a friend one night when we were both pretty drunk. I ended up having sex with her once more about a week later. That's the only sex I've had with anyone other than my wife. I saw a friend get a girl pregnant at 15 and it ruined both of their teenage years. I also watched a relative of a close friend die from AIDS when I was in my early teens. I guess I was scared straight. She knew all of this and put me at risk. 

I feel like I'm rambling at this point. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I'm in individual therapy now and so is she. Some days I feel like I don't even know her and feel like I'm staying just for my kids. My parents got divorced when I was 7 and I don't want my kids growing up without one of their parents. She has issues of her own from her childhood. Major issues. She was molested by her step-father for about 6 years and was raped by a so-called boyfriend when she was 15. 

My main thing now is trust obviously. I don't trust her at all and I'm constantly snooping/spying on her and I don't know if I can stop. It's consuming me. My brain hurts. I hope all of this makes sense.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Perfect sense. Don't stop snooping. At some point you have to decide. Divorce is better then being with a cheater. Do you really want the truth? If you do, schedule a polygraph (or at least tell her that you have) test. Tell her its in a week. Run info off the internet for a local one. She will sweat for the week. But in the end she will spill her guts b4 you go. I guarantee she had sex with them.


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## john22 (Oct 22, 2009)

I don't know about a polygraph at this point. When she told me what happened when we were dating, I asked her to swear on our children that she has been faithful during our marriage. I have done an insane amount of snooping since all of this has happened, and she has been clean. I want to trust her again because I absolutely hate the person I've become. I want to learn to let go and focus on the future for us and our kids. I'm just finding it impossible to let my guard down. I find myself missing out on things that I enjoy because of my mistrust. Instead of spending quality time with my kids, going out for a beer with friends, or playing poker at my mother's house, I'm home checking up on her. I feel like I have a disease sometimes. I'm wondering if there is anyone here who has gone through something similar and if it gets better with time. Some days I feel OK and can focus on things, but most of the time I'm a mess.


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## CMC125 (Oct 21, 2009)

John,

Really hate to tell you as fellow male, we and women are correct about 99% of the time on this issue.

You in your heart knows the answer.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Her pattern is so clear. Why would you want to work this out? Honestly? 

She doesn't really love you.


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## john22 (Oct 22, 2009)

dobo said:


> Her pattern is so clear. Why would you want to work this out? Honestly?
> 
> She doesn't really love you.


I don't want to be without my kids. In my state, it's extremely difficult for the father to get full custody. Even 50/50 wouldn't be good enough for me. They are my world. I can't fathom not seeing them every day. At the same time, I'm not sure if I could raise them on my own even if I somehow got full custody. We are not in great shape financially either. Divorce would be catastrophic financially. If I do find out that she's been unfaithful during our marriage, I'm not sure what I would do.

My wife is a great mother. Even with the hurt she's caused me, I wouldn't want to deny her the kids. She has realized (I hope by now) how much her lies and deceit have hurt me and like I said, she has been pretty transparent since we got into counseling. I told her I thought about leaving. Unless she's an Academy Award caliber actress, she has shown that she cares. I want to work things out. I'm just wondering if someone here has been through this and has any advice on how to keep my emotions in check. I'm in therapy. I started with a new therapist about a month ago. I don't feel like it's helping too much.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Divorce sucks. It is painful. But your wife clearly has a problem being faithful and truthful (as all cheaters lie...) 

Can you stay stuck in a marriage with someone who still hasn't figured out how to remain faithful to one guy? For the kids? Guess what -- the kids will still have both of you. And the best of you. 

What do you get exactly? A wife you can't trust and who has demonstrated a long pattern of being untrustworthy.

She cares because she doesn't want to lose her gravy train. If she really cared, she wouldn't put you in this position in the first place. You're being played, IMO. She's a serial cheater. She gets bored or needs an ego boost so it is off to a new guy for a bit. You're not exciting enough for her. You're too stable and good. 

You'd better stop being such a nice guy or you're going to end up with a lot more hurt in your life from this woman.

You'd better put up some seriously large boundaries and if she puts a big fat toe up against one of them, you have to be willing to walk away.


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## john22 (Oct 22, 2009)

I have told her my boundaries. I'm sorry, I should have included that in my first post. I told her I'm not going to stand here and deal with her lying and doing things behind my back. I told her that if anything like this happens again that we are through. This was all a part of what we went over during marriage counseling.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

OK. Well, good luck. You've chosen a really risky partner.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I think she can change if you are not afraid to call her on it.

I went through a similar situation.

My wife and I are working things out and it helps me to let her know what I am feeling.

I dont keep things bottled inside, when she contacted an old boyfriend on a whim I told her I didn't like it, and she stopped.

This is an example of what I do to keep my emotions in check, I give myself permission to feel. Its OK to be jelous and keep your wife to yourself. 

Space is all good, but if you are not feeling right about something open up to her.

I totally agree with you that this is not worth throwing 32 years of marriage away for. 

It is a difficult image and I cannot tell you that there is any getting over it, but believe me you are better off for the fact that your wife was not as inexperianced as you. 

Both my wife and I were quite experianced by the time we met in our mid twenties. I dont like hearing about her past, but I do enjoy my own memories so I accept that she enjoys hers.

We have a great sex life, almost every day, if one of us is randy the other alwyas puts out, we both want to. 

My wife cheated on me too after we met, but it was a very small moment of a big life that taught both of us an important lesson. We both are comitted and honest about never ending up there again.

I think your wife learned this lesson from her experiance, but never found the courage to tell you until now.

In this site you can read about many people with irreconsilable problems, but yours doesn't sound like one of them. The fact that your wife is a sexual creature, and always has been, just means she is human too. Forgive her, we all fail and need forgiveness sometimes.


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## blondemomO'2 (Oct 23, 2009)

while i have to agree it is possible for a cheata to change its spots, (so to speak,) i have to bring a valid point, do you know why she cheats?
if you think its a selfish reason, i bet ur wrong.. if her past is really that traumatic, she needs PSYCHO- therapy, not marriage counselling. i guarantee u she can't stop with out dealing first with abandonment, trust, and commitment issues... these r her real problems.
i worship ur chivalry in trying to maintain your true love, but be forwarned, the path to the faithful relationship u so desperately seek may prove to be far greater than the love you've held all this time... what u find out in the end may break ur heart completely, leave u irretrievably crippled, unable to carry on. so, dear heart, do be careful. ( as it is said somethings are better left to the unknown.)
u are a sincerely wonderful man, who deserves way more, and my heart bleeds for ur present state. i say all this from my heart and the experience of a woman who has been on both sides of the coin.... u need to separate and let her seek the professional help she truly needs, after that, if she really understood the ramafications of true love, she can decide if thats what she saw all along. 
stay wonderful, stay by her side, see this out, but for urs & the kids sake, separate until she knows what she wants.
1. to minumize ur pain. ( ur children CAN sense emotions, and tend to take them in.. thus staying in an unhealthy environment.)
2. get used to living with out her. ( she may have based ur entire relationship on lies, as a coping measure, and u may not even be compatible. she may even feel u r too good for her after all shes done.)
NO MATTER WHAT THO, YOU ARE A DREAM! to stay there, and try to ignore the obvious pain shes inflicting. you are the fantasy of most women, i truly wish u the best, and remember; pray for the best, expect the worst... because then the inbetween has so much more meaning.


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## john22 (Oct 22, 2009)

I really appreciate the replies so far. I've contimplated pretty much everything suggested so far. Whenever I have to make a big decision in life, I usually go with my gut. Problem is that my gut feeling changes on almost a daily basis. One day I want to give up and leave. The next, I believe in her and want to work things out. 

She is in therapy and has been for about 3 months. The original counselor that we saw for marriage counseling specializes in womens issues, especially sexual abuse and rape. I have since found my own therapist and have been going on my own for a few weeks. 

I know that staying in a marriage just for the kids is a recipe for disaster. I do still love my wife though, and I feel that since all of this has happened, she has committed herself to our marriage. I just want to trust her again. At the same time, I can't get hurt again. I've reached a point where I can't let my guard down. I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think Gomez has it wrong. She doesn't cheat for sex. Sex is only part of the package. She cheats for far deeper reasons. And those reasons are why she is such a huge risk to repeat (again).


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I have to forgive myself at the same time I forgive her.

I forgive myself if I am wrong, I'll do what I think is best.


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