# Wife cheated after 15 years



## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out. 
She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, she has a lock on it and won’t take it off. If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked. For years she never had it locked until now. the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing, I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can. I think going out with friends is a great thing but I think it is too early. What does everyone think? Thank you in advance for your help.
regards


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

The overwhelming likelihood is that she is still cheating. No way in the world would I let her go out with her friends alone at this point. I'd get a sitter and show up wherever she is. I would also put a VAR in her car and a keylogger on her computer.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

hey Breathe69..you will get great advice here. Move this to the Coping with Infidelity Section and you will get more feedback. 

But you are not in any kind of reconciliation mode yet because of your wife's actions (locked phone, going out dancing). She is still cheating, just taking this underground for now and "playing nice".

Get ready to hear about terms like the 180, going dark, full tranparancy, VAR's, ploygraph tests, full exposure, trickle truth, and the like.

They will all be steps for you to take to get through this. Good luck.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

i am not sure is she is still, she has been home everynight and weekends we are together,


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

thank you lewmin, i am hoping and praying she is not. dont know if i can go throught that again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Breathe, you should post this over in the Coping With Infidelity section for more responses directly related to your situation.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She is actively still cheating on you. The phone locking is THE most common red flag of ongoing infidelity on TAM. You need to understand this. This is why now she wants to go out. It is to meet the person she is having the affair with.

Therefore, your R has been completely false.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

lewmin, i am new here where is the Coping with Infidelity Section?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

BTW, how did you find out she was cheating initially ? Was it an office affair ?


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

i found out through phone bill. she played if off for months and then came clean.


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## breathe69 (Oct 24, 2013)

found it!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

breathe69 said:


> i am not sure is she is still, she has been home everynight and weekends we are together,


This just means she's cooled it off since she got caught but is likely still talking to him hence the locked phone.

She's playing nice only because she got caught.

The fact that she wants to go out dancing says you are likely in a false R.

Sorry.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

breathe69 said:


> Good morning, hope all is well. Well as the title says my wife of 15 years has cheated on me. we have two kids and are trying to work it out.
> She has been great for the past month but there are a couple of things that bothers me and I am not sure what to do. one is her phone, she has a lock on it and won’t take it off. If someone texts her and I am around she tells me who it is, but I just don’t understand why she has it locked. For years she never had it locked until now. the other thing is now she wants to go out with her friends dancing, I don’t want her to feel that she can never go out, I think in time when the trust comes back she can. I think going out with friends is a great thing but I think it is too early. What does everyone think? Thank you in advance for your help.
> regards


at her age, going to clubs (meat markets), is for one reason. She is enjoying acting like she is single again. Her affair is concrete proof to you of this attitude at this point in her life. The phone being locked is a no brainer. We do not hide unless we are keeping secrets. Her phone is what she uses to communicate to those in her other life. Her single life.
You allowing a locked phone in the home after her affair is a huge mistake on your part. Tell her there are no more secrets and if she wants to go out you are happy to take her. If these things are not acceptable to her then serve her D papers. You have not woken her up from her affair fog as their have been no real consequences for her. She gets to continue acting in the same manner.
Who was the affair with? Random guy? My guess is someone more exciting than you. Some alpha male type that makes her knees weak. You being a push over is not very attractive to her.
Fight for the marriage by installing boundaries that are not to be crossed. Phone unlocked, all email passwords shared, no girls nights out at a meat market. Get some balls.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Sorry, she is still cheating. She just has cooled things off until you drop your guard again. She is testing your resolve with the phone lock.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't know if she's still actively cheating, but she clearly hasn't let go of her "other life" outside the marriage yet, she's still escaping. You can take two paths -- you can lay low, pretend like everything's fine and do the "spy" stuff a lot of people here seem to recommend, or you can go face-to-face with her and say "You broke my trust and you haven't earned it back yet. Until you do, I need you to give me access to your phone, and I don't feel comfortable with you going out to clubs. If you want to fix the damage you did, those are my terms."


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

See if a moderator can join your threads,so you don't have to jump back and forth between here and the CWI subforum.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Was there any discussion about the two of going to counseling after the affair to repair the marriage? If not this reconcilliation is destined to fail. You will likely have resentment that goes unresolved and she may even never really confront or resolve the issues that led her to seek satisfaction outside the marriage.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Good for you for wanting to hold the marriage together. This is the thing with betrayal, we question everything we would not have questioned before. Communication is key to recovery. She has to be willing to unlock that phone and have no secrets. If you have a question then she needs to be able to answer it.

At the same time I think it is important to address why she had the affair in the first place. Most women do not have affairs for sex, that is just what happens as a result of seeking what they need. So the question I have would be, what she felt was lacking in the first place that created the affair? If you cannot get to the bottom of what caused the problems it is likely the results will happen again.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> At the same time I think it is important to address why she had the affair in the first place. Most women do not have affairs for sex, that is just what happens as a result of seeking what they need. So the question I have would be, what she felt was lacking in the first place that created the affair? If you cannot get to the bottom of what caused the problems it is likely the results will happen again.


I have to strongly disagree with this. Only one thing creates an affair -- the person's decision to have an affair. The one problem that needs to be addressed now is the fact that his spouse betrayed his trust, and the resulting damage to their relationship. If there are other lacks in their marriage, those can be dealt with down the road, in an open and honest way. A person who thinks an affair is an acceptable way of compensating for "needs not being met" or whatever is never going to commit to making the marriage work.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

If she cheated on you, truly wants this marriage to work, and is totally committed, she would be an open book and be devoting her time to you and the marriage. Compendia?


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