# no more desire.



## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

i have no more desire to save my marriage, my husband has showed me what kind of person he really is and it took 4 years to finally realize he was nothing but a fake and a backstabber, growing up friends would backstab me and were fake with me and everytime i found out i would cut them out of my life and well as much as i love this man i will not allow someone like that to be in my life anymore.

i have no desire to see him, speak to him, or even wanna work things out or be friends, i feel like a whole different person now and my feelings for him dont exist anymore.

has anyone ever been through this?


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I'm sooooo feeling the same way as you. I wanted my husband back so badly in the past. And then one day it just came to me that I may not really want him anymore. That moment of truth actually came when I read a blog on wikivorce, and the posts of a lady who went through divorce really convinced me that I no longer need my husband after everything vile he has done. That blog was truly inspirational. I saw the evil and weak person that my husband is/was and lost all the respect for him. I told myself - that man has totally hurt me and wounded me, but why should I continue to hurt myself further by waiting for someone like that to come back. I deserve better. And since then, I felt freer and better. Of course I am still grieving for the loss of my marriage, its the lost of a dream afterall. But I am no longer waiting around for him and putting those heavy chains around me. I don't even answer his calls now.


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

Suemolly said:


> I'm sooooo feeling the same way as you. I wanted my husband back so badly in the past. And then one day it just came to me that I may not really want him anymore. That moment of truth actually came when I read a blog on wikivorce, and the posts of a lady who went through divorce really convinced me that I no longer need my husband after everything vile he has done. That blog was truly inspirational. I saw the evil and weak person that my husband is/was and lost all the respect for him. I told myself - that man has totally hurt me and wounded me, but why should I continue to hurt myself further by waiting for someone like that to come back. I deserve better. And since then, I felt freer and better. Of course I am still grieving for the loss of my marriage, its the lost of a dream afterall. But I am no longer waiting around for him and putting those heavy chains around me. I don't even answer his calls now.


i totally know what you mean, my husband has hurt me in the worst way possible and i still hoped that he would realize that he still loved me but then i saw how fake he was especialy when i was civil enough to be friends with him, i felt like an idiot wanting him to want me back but now that ive realized he doesnt deserve a person like me to even be there for him ive cut him out of my life the last conversation we had was him telling me the reason he said things he did and infront of his mistress also was because someone broke in his (our old) house and i told him well thats too bad for you but just know you wont be hearing from me again, and well thats the last i heard of him and im pretty happy about not hearing from him, day 2 of being Tom free haha! if its our sons turn to go visit his family my inlaws will be picking him up from me because i want nothing from my husband, cant wait till the divorce is filed and finalized.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Yes, I know what you mean.

For a while I threw everything I had into our relationship while he galavanted around with other girls. I was exhausted. I had given him everything, and I was very afraid that if he didn't step up and do part of the work, my marriage would fail.

Until I read a text on his phone from another woman saying "Talk to you later babe, I love you". It was from him to her. I haven't cried since. My feelings for him are dead. I was so exhausted from working at our marriage that reading that text just snubbed out the last feeling I was clinging onto for him.

I literally have not cried over him since the day I left. I humored him and returned to him for a couple months to see if he was up to the challenge, but he was not, and it was so easy to leave him again. I cry over my daughter because he has taken her, but never for him, and I don't think I ever will. When I read that text, a little piece of me shriveled up, fell off of me and died, and it was the last ounce of love I had for the man.

Do I miss him? I do...though I know now that its not him I miss, but the idea of who he might of been. A compassionate, trustworthy, loving husband. I miss that, but I remind myself he was never that, not once. I miss something he never gave me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm reading your stories and thinking of my wife. I had an EA. She found almost the same message on my phone as what JazzTango found. My wife forgave me, the EA is long gone, but things have gotten worse for me. I can't find the passion I had for her. I'm still working on it, but planning for the worst. The shame I carry never leaves my mind. The hurt I caused is there too.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

After the last "episode" with my husband's drinking and abuse I felt it too. It was like a switch was thrown. I wanted nothing to do with him. I just wanted peace and quiet and to be as far away as possible from him. I started to avoid him big time. Not picking up the phone or returning his calls, not "dropping by" to see how he was doing. Not calling or asking him what his plans were. Not bothering about sex or spending time together. Nothing. quite the opposite scenario. 

He must've sensed this because he started chasing after me in a big way. Sending me flowers, calling, inviting himself over, etc, etc. It had the affect of making me look more kindly on him and now we do spend time together as friends but that old desperation I had felt for him is gone. I feel "in control". When he has pulled his old crap on me I've handled it well and walked away from him. Plus I like the fact that we are separated now. It's more than "accepting" it. It's embracing it. 

It's freedom. Not just from him, but from myself. 

I have told more than one person that separation in the physical sense is the easiest part, it's the emotional part that is hard. When that happens you are truly free.


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

JazzTango2Step said:


> Yes, I know what you mean.
> 
> For a while I threw everything I had into our relationship while he galavanted around with other girls. I was exhausted. I had given him everything, and I was very afraid that if he didn't step up and do part of the work, my marriage would fail.
> 
> ...


oh man i know what you mean by missing what he could have been instead of missing what he really was, he never gave me anything other loving husbands give thier wives like compassion and support and he was hardly ever romantic and we've been married for 3 years and i never even got a wedding ring from him after him saying he would get me one eventually but instead spend all his money on worthless electronics then a ring that could have meant our love forever, a PS3 can break at anytime but a wedding ring could last forever and i guess the PS3 was more important then forever.


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I'm reading your stories and thinking of my wife. I had an EA. She found almost the same message on my phone as what JazzTango found. My wife forgave me, the EA is long gone, but things have gotten worse for me. I can't find the passion I had for her. I'm still working on it, but planning for the worst. The shame I carry never leaves my mind. The hurt I caused is there too.


you know sometimes things happen without if being your intention, if it was the first time then it might have just been a thing that went a little too far and you need to forgive yourself about the mistake you made in order to continue to live a happy life with your wife, if she had the heart to forgive you then she must love you so much and now you need to start loving yourself and let go of the past but if it was more then once and with many other women then i wouldnt really expect you to forgive yourself but to just try and move on as much as you can to keep your marriage alive and together.


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> After the last "episode" with my husband's drinking and abuse I felt it too. It was like a switch was thrown. I wanted nothing to do with him. I just wanted peace and quiet and to be as far away as possible from him. I started to avoid him big time. Not picking up the phone or returning his calls, not "dropping by" to see how he was doing. Not calling or asking him what his plans were. Not bothering about sex or spending time together. Nothing. quite the opposite scenario.
> 
> He must've sensed this because he started chasing after me in a big way. Sending me flowers, calling, inviting himself over, etc, etc. It had the affect of making me look more kindly on him and now we do spend time together as friends but that old desperation I had felt for him is gone. I feel "in control". When he has pulled his old crap on me I've handled it well and walked away from him. Plus I like the fact that we are separated now. It's more than "accepting" it. It's embracing it.
> 
> ...


i completely agree with this, at first i was so torn up and so depressed and anxious and i would have done anything to get my ex back but then as days went on i thought to myself what it was that i actually missed about him? i couldnt come up with anything really i mean he was a funny guy and always made me smile and laugh but thats mostly the only thing i can think of, he never took me out on dates, never took me out to see a movie or anything and i realized i spent 4 years of my life stuck in a rut waiting for him to realize, everything he had but its over now and ill always cherish our time together but its time to move on and get my life together and so what i have to do for me and my son.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

xxPsychoKatxx said:


> i completely agree with this, at first i was so torn up and so depressed and anxious and i would have done anything to get my ex back but then as days went on i thought to myself what it was that i actually missed about him? i couldnt come up with anything really i mean he was a funny guy and always made me smile and laugh but thats mostly the only thing i can think of, he never took me out on dates, never took me out to see a movie or anything and i realized i spent 4 years of my life stuck in a rut waiting for him to realize, everything he had but its over now and ill always cherish our time together but its time to move on and get my life together and so what i have to do for me and my son.


Gosh, did we marry the same man or what??? My husband too never took me on dates. Almost 10 years together, and we never stepped into a movie theatre once. He never romanced me. He called me twice a day to say hello from his office, came home each night asking for his dinner, he would get on the computer and then off to bed without me. He would bring me to the cafe once a week, and thats his idea of spending time with me. I would order just a coffee, and if I wanted a $4 cake, he would complain its too expensive and would ask me to go for the $2 one. Then he picked up the newspaper and ignored me entirely for 2 hours, and then told me its time to go home. When I complained, he accused me of being ungrateful. He did not buy me gifts or anything , unless its my birthday and its normally just a $100 gift card every single year, no thoughts put into it at all. There was no vacation for me, but plenty for him on his own. He went to Paris, Belgium, Morocco, New York, Toronto on solo holidays, while I stuck by myself at home. For all his cheapness to me, I discovered he has a monthly phone bill of $800 to $1000 calling women overseas daily. I also saw credit card bills where he paid huge amount of money at lavish restaurants, while I had to do with a $2 cake every Sunday.


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## xxPsychoKatxx (Dec 6, 2011)

Suemolly said:


> Gosh, did we marry the same man or what??? My husband too never took me on dates. Almost 10 years together, and we never stepped into a movie theatre once. He never romanced me. He called me twice a day to say hello from his office, came home each night asking for his dinner, he would get on the computer and then off to bed without me. He would bring me to the cafe once a week, and thats his idea of spending time with me. I would order just a coffee, and if I wanted a $4 cake, he would complain its too expensive and would ask me to go for the $2 one. Then he picked up the newspaper and ignored me entirely for 2 hours, and then told me its time to go home. When I complained, he accused me of being ungrateful. He did not buy me gifts or anything , unless its my birthday and its normally just a $100 gift card every single year, no thoughts put into it at all. There was no vacation for me, but plenty for him on his own. He went to Paris, Belgium, Morocco, New York, Toronto on solo holidays, while I stuck by myself at home. For all his cheapness to me, I discovered he has a monthly phone bill of $800 to $1000 calling women overseas daily. I also saw credit card bills where he paid huge amount of money at lavish restaurants, while I had to do with a $2 cake every Sunday.


what an ass but mine was the same way except he would buy me whatever i wanted but that wasnt the point, what i really wanted was him to be romantic, take me out to eat, get me flowers for no reason but he never did that, the last time he did something remotely romantic was on valentines day 2 years ago.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Let HIM eat cake!

"The opposite of love is indifference".

When you feel indifferent towards the ex, let em go!


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