# Facebook



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

It seems like the only way we ever get to communicate with our loved ones ie family members, friends, is through the internet now a days. but its also a way to get in touch with "old friends" as well. i'm writing because i will admit i have jealousy issues and i aint proud of it. but i have been married to my husband for 3 years now we been together for nearly 5. we have a beautiful 3 year old daughter and another baby on the way. just last week my husband added a woman who was his first love on facebook and i got concerned and obviously upset. we had a big fight over it so in the end i ended up deleting him off my friends list and he put his relationship status from married to single basically to retaliate when i deleted him.bear in mind this was the first woman he ever loved, he was crazy about her, and everything else you can think of. maybe i overreacted but i dont know what to think. when i confronted him about it he stated " I only added her because everyone else did and it didnt seem right for me not to if everyone else did but i didnt" how am i supposed to respond to that??? any advice would be appreciated


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

i'm just wondering if this could lead to him having an emotional affair with her because i know that when you're inlove with someone..doesnt matter if it was 10 15 years ago or even 5 minutes ago..you dont just lose that love.. it stays there. should i be worried? and i have seen this womans profile.. shes single and i hate to admit it but she is beautiful especially with the emotions i'm feeling due to me being pregnant i dont know what to do..


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Perhaps have a FaceBook account as a couple. I honestly don't think FB is worth all the ruffled feathers. If it is going to bring out the worst behavior in everyone, why even have it? Your marriage is more important.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

Unfortunately i need facebook because its one of my only ways of communicating with my family like my mom and dad,bros,sis, and all because i live in england i just moved here from usa.


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## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

I agree with Aug on the couples account, my bf hates facebook but I have his name on there with mine and my status is married (even though we are not) I think facebook is a great thing if people dont lose sight of what its for, and the fact that you two have separate accounts could cause problems or if you do allow each other access to it my bf has my password.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well we know each others passwords.. we have that much trust atleast. i just wish i knew what the hell his intentions were. because i guarantee if i was to add the love of my life he'd go ballistic


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well i mean a guy that i was in love with years ago before my husband came along


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> Unfortunately i need facebook because its one of my only ways of communicating with my family like my mom and dad,bros,sis, and all because i live in england i just moved here from usa.


Ever used Skype, or an instant video messenger? My college degree was a dual degree in Software Engineering and Applied Mathematics, and when I began to see the rise of Facebook, there were a lot of internal discussions among software hobbyists about the elimination of traditional barriers to infidelity. Not that I don't support a person's right to use it, but I personally want those barriers there. I do HD video chats with my brother, mother and sisters every week. At night, I meet with my employees in India, and my peers in England in the mornings. Some of my family couldn't afford the equipment, so guess what they got from me for Christmas? 

To the point, though. My marriage is seriously impacted by my wife's bipolar condition. Now, she feels remorse for the years of resentment she harbored because she expected me to make her problems go away. My first girlfriend, and best friend, recently contacted me via a letter after 24 years of no communication. She wanted to meet for dinner, but stressed that it was just as old friends. She played a critical role in the decisions that led me to go to college, and get out of a bad life. If I used Facebook, there is no way that I would add her as a friend. For your husband, it should be a part of realizing that his wife is much more important than your friend's perception of him sending some sort of statement to another woman. Believe it or not, she would know exactly why he didn't friend her, and I imagine that it would add to her respect for him.

I received another letter from the old girlfriend. She said that it hurt a little because I should know that she would never cross the line, but later she realized that I had become the person that she hoped I would become. My wife friended her on Facebook (she uses the critter so our kids wouldn't think she's an old lady).


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

Well its only been a week since all this happened..we're ok for now but i will admit on the day that he did that i retaliated myself by deleting him and adding a guy that i had feelings for just to give him a taste of his own medicine. it was probably childish of me but my problem is i believe in an eye for an eye..what you do to me i'll do to you. we'll have to see what happens from now on.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Facebook is used responsibly by millions of people. And it's used irresponsibly by millions of people. The stories of spouses who reconnected with an old flame on FB and then began an affair are too numerous to count.

Your husband is wrong. Basically, anything that gets you this upset should be avoided. Especially since it's not something crazy. The past is the past and he should be living in the present and looking to the future.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

thanks PHT i just needed to know if it was harsh for me to retaliate the way i did. and yes you're right..he should be living in the present..i dont know what he's trying to accomplish here. but i know that if i wanna connect with an old friend that i was completely head over heels inlove with obviously it means theres still something there right? all i know about this woman is that when he was 17 she stayed with his family for abit she was friends with his sister and he, his sister, and the woman used to spend the night in the attic. she tried to seduce him but he turned her down because he was that inlove with her he wanted more than a one night stand.. she was like a goddess to him i dont think he has ever loved anyone probably myself included more than he has loved her. thats why i got concerned and angry


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well - I'm a husband who accepted a friend request from an old love I hadn't heard from in 22 years. Two weeks after I accepted that friend request I was in a full on EA with her. Before that I thought I was the most happily married person in the world, with my wife 20 years, married 13 - so IMO yes you are right to be concerned. Having said that as long as you have his log in info I would check and if I didn't see any thing to worry about I wouldn't, but I would inspect what I expect. If his password suddenly changes you've got a problem.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well your situation is pretty similar to my husbands then sigma, the only difference is a week ago he's the one that added her. not the other way around. so i guess all i can do because obviously i'm not a psychic so i wont know how his feelings are toward her but i have to just wait and see what happens.. thanks for the advice tho sigma i'll start checking on his profile and wotnot hopefully i dont find anything i dont wanna see..


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

not that its any of my business sigma but i was wondering how long did your EA last and did you ever tell your wife? if so what was the outcome of it all? how did you guys work it out?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Hopefully there's nothing to it but old flames rekindle with shocking speed. Listen to your gut - it will be right more often than not when it comes to things like this. I'd keep an eye out for any change in behavior. For example, I suddenly started staying up after my wife went to bed to "watch a movie," - I was really chatting with my OW - I never stayed up late, I was always early in bed. I changed all the alerts on my phone to silent, so my phone went from fairly noisy to completely silent. My phone was never out of my possession - never. 

Just keep your eyes and ears open.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> not that its any of my business sigma but i was wondering how long did your EA last and did you ever tell your wife? if so what was the outcome of it all? how did you guys work it out?


Well this can be a long story so I'll try to relate the condensed version. If you want all the full on details let me know. My affair lasted 7.5 weeks, and it was everything but physical, phone sex, sexting, saying I love you - the whole deal. I would text, chat or speak with my AP (affair partner) virtually all day in some manner - I'm at a computer most of the day. The thing is I never had any intention of leaving my wife - I was and still am happily married. I told my AP this and we just carried on in this fantasy world she and I built. Fast forward to the end - being an affair was killing me, I couldn't sleep, I wasn't getting any work done, and my affair was getting deeper and deeper. Fortunately my AP was too far away for it to get physical. So I wanted my affair to end but I couldn't do it. I was to addicted to it -yes addicted. I basically let myself get caught. My wife picked up my phone at the same instant my AP happened to send me a text - I snatched the phone out of her hand. Long story short - I confessed everything right then. She was totally blind sided and devastated. Now I immediately offered full transparency and access to everything in my world. I met with my family and hers and outed myself. I did everything she asked me to voluntarily. Having said that it still took until seven more months to get her completely out of my life. So now over a year since my affair began and coming up fast on the anniversary of D Day how are we? Better than we have ever been. We are closer, communicate more, and realize that we could have lost something very dear to both of us - our marriage. Not that my affair isn't still a part of our lives, it is and likely will be in some form forever, but it has made us stronger.

Believe it or not that's the condensed version. I don't mind at all talking about it so if you want to know more let me know.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

wow i'm glad you and your wife were able to work it out considering you both could have lost everything. but thanks for your short story i appreciate it...i'd like to hear all your story if you dont mind..itd be great to get an insight to what could happen in my marriage so anything you can tell me would be helpful


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

my reason for asking is because unfortunately for me..this OW is local. and he could easily get into more contact with her than facebook, ie phone number, address, meet up places. so i really do have to be careful


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

K, it may take me a little while. I'll PM it to you just to avoid hijacking your thread. If I post it here your thread will become about all the things I did wrong in trying to reconcile. I just noticed you signed up here almost a year ago, just out of curiosity what brought here then?


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well i signed up here the first time because this isnt the first time my husband added an old lover on facebook. the difference this time is that a year ago he added a woman that he got off with a few months before we met. basically they kissed, fondled, they werent serious. and like a 2 years into our marriage he added her, and if adding her wasnt enough he asked for her phone number so they could catch up. so i wrote a post about that stating how upset i was by it. but this time its alil different because he added a woman he was madly inlove with about 13 years ago , he basically thought she was the greatest thing since sliced bread, and like i said before she was the only woman he ever loved hell she was the first woman he loved... thats why it might be different now


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

and yes messaging me your story is fine thanks


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So what happened after he added the first woman?? If that was above board he's at least got a pattern of not cheating. Now, I'd have to ask why he seems to be so interested in bringing old flames back into his life. Definitely something that would make you go "hmmmm?????" He could be described as fishing... but it may be totally innocent.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi Nikki
first post here

i'd say you have reason to be concerned. a quick scan over your previous posts indicates that he previously added a girl by facebook, then progressed to getting her number and chatting in real life, and then lying to you about the details.

it is good that you can access his facebook page now to see what chatting or messaging might be going on, although he could just delete it? I agree with Sigma - if suddenly you can't log in to his page any longer i'd be very concerned. You could ask him why the p/w changed or consider installing monitoring software to hopefully catch anything early on.

I'd be concerned about why he felt it ok to add an old flame in light of your past problems on this same topic. it is sure to rub salt into your wound. 

just a thought, some of your other posts are labeled depressed, scared, confused, etc. if you are on his case about every little thing he may just start to ignore it i guess. this seems like a battle worth picking though, to me.

and yes, sort of immature to drop him as a friend on facebook. I would add him back if you have not done so already. I would unfriend the former flame you added. sort of hypocritical if you didn't. talk to him about why it is a concern for you and that the past should stay in the past, concerning old flames. they have no business at all being any part of your current relationship. I think if he ignores you on that and forges ahead, that might be a problem in my opinion.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

ok i'll start from the beginning..a year ago we went to see some gigs of this band. we became friends with them and my husband actually got pretty close to the keyboardist who is now like his best friend. anyway my husband used to write music with this one woman he got off with and he ended up showing his friend Jon a song him and the woman made together.. Jon actually liked the song and y husband was pleased.. so then he asked me if he could add her because i guess you have to notify the person you made a song with that you showed someone. so i said yeah thats fine thinking it was only for that purpose. but then he ended up messaging her asking her for her phone number and i got upset with that. and then we argued..he told me he hasnt talked to her since that day he added her but then i saw the phone bill which showed he had been talking to her on his mobile so we fought about that and he deleted her off his facebook because he knew how it was upsetting me. so now a year later he adds a woman that he was head over heels inlove with and its got me concerned.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

haha i deleted my old flame first the first time around..i think its his turn.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

It is in my opinion that those who WANT to wander will join facebook with the intent in mind. I don't want to stray, but I'll be honest, I'm not on facebook because I'm an intelligent person and I realize it's just too effin' easy to become comfortable with someone and do all the ice breaking prior to a face-to-face meeting.

Example:

Scenario A - You get winked at(does that even happen in FB) by an old flame on FB. You start catching up and some of those old feelings start stirring in you. You really get friendly and the EA begins. Now, that old flame is going to be in NYC visiting some friends in a few weeks so you decide you want to meet up as it's been years. One you are face-to-face you are both on fire given all the pleasantries you have shared over FB.

Scenario B - You are planning on going out in NYC with some friends. As it happens, you recognize someone in a bar you are at and it turns out to be an old flame you haven't seen in years. You approach them and it turns out it is indeed an old significant other. You laugh and it is really great to see them. You talk for a few hours and then say it was really good seeing them, hope all is well.

Which scenario would more than likely run the risk of heading out of that bar for a quick re connection of private parts?

When I discovered my wife's affair, the first thing I texted her (of course I wasn't talking to her on day 2) was to delete her damn FB account because clearly she is not someone capable of keeping it honest with the ease of guiltless online sex banter.

Facebook should just acquire fvckbook (it exists, my friend uses it).


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

When I started using facebook (prior to her affair) and friended an old girlfriend, I was up front and clear about the whole thing to my wife. I told her, this is my password, I have no intentions of anything other than playing a bit of catch up and having her help me in mafia wars (I have since stopped playing that silly game). I was as transparent as possible and let her know that if for any reason she is uncomfortable, she comes first and I will gladly delete her.
As a result I had her password for her account as well, I never went on it.
The ironic thing was that 2 years later, facebook was actually the tool that gave me the final "nail in the coffin" so to speak that proved she was having an affair. After some suspicious emails I signed onto to her account to check things and at the time there was a glitch where you could sign on to facebook from two places and I witnessed her chat with her OM right in front of me. (BTW the OM was a coworker and the affair wasn't a rekindling that started on FB)

Bottom line is that facebook doesn't cause infidelity, it is merely a tool and facilitator to those who would cheat in the first place.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BTW- if you really are concerned about your SO's activities on FB and have open access but think they might be deleting chats, there is a program called FChat that recovers recently deleted messages.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> i'm just wondering if this could lead to him having an emotional affair with her because i know that when you're inlove with someone..doesnt matter if it was 10 15 years ago or even 5 minutes ago..you dont just lose that love.. it stays there. should i be worried? and i have seen this womans profile.. shes single and i hate to admit it but she is beautiful especially with the emotions i'm feeling due to me being pregnant i dont know what to do..


Ex lovers are forever a concern. You are correct in that.

I think your husband could show you the respect of unfriending her. That would be easy for him to do. Awkward. Yes.

He was unwise, but I would not be too upset with him for that. But again, he should correct it. IMHO.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

While facebook is just a tool, I have no doubt that this access facilitates a huge increase in affairs.

It just makes it too easy for a momentary thought to awry.
We are all human.

i use Facebook every day


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Facebook and the ability to catch up with old lovers had my wife full into an EA within months. They then met and took it further. 
We are now divorcing.
Not blaming facebook, but my wife's lack of moral boundaries and respect for a marriage.

I remember when we were trying to reconcile, single dudes would "like" her photos, every comment made, to a degree that one could tell they were interested. Comment after comment , picture after picture. It became my wife who wanted the attention. And thusly destroyed our marriage and our daughters life.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

You're pregnant. Hmm. High risk time for infidelity. 

Ask those women that have been left bringing up a family on their own after they've discovered their wayward husband's facebook affairs.

Want to save your marriage? Get rid of facebook. Find other ways to communicate with your family. 

Facebook is causing you and your husband too much grief. 

If you want to keep the Facebook account then be prepared for a ride of your life, potentially risking all that you currently have, home, lifestyle etc. 

Who knows, you might end up having to live with family if the password changes, or behaviour alters and then there will be no need for Facebook other than to check what he's up to with OW.

You need a heart to heart with hubby and tell him how its making you feel. If he loves you, he should respect your feelings and get rid of it so that you can both enjoy your life.

Facebook is the facilator and its like putting a kid in a sweet shop and then leaving them on their own expecting them not to touch a piece of candy.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

I agree with you lazarus to some extent but to me and my beliefs..its not facebook thats the problem..i dont blame facebook. its meant to be used to chat with friends and family. its not meant to encourage getting in touch with old lovers. facebook is not responsible for our actions..we are. if i lose my husband it wont be because of facebook it will be because he's the one that wanted it that way. he could easily get in touch with the OW by other means of communication. I have had loads of chances to add old flames on facebook but i have no need to add them.. they are my past and they will stay in my past. I have that much respect for my husband.


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## meplus3bg (Jul 13, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> well we know each others passwords.. we have that much trust atleast. i just wish i knew what the hell his intentions were. because i guarantee if i was to add the love of my life he'd go ballistic


Then add him or find him and add him and see how he feels maybe if he gets a taste of what its like he will delete his ex....I think ex's should be no no's anyway no matter how good of a note their relationship ended on if he loves you he should respect you being uncomfortable with it and take her off period!


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well in his defence..shes not exactly an ex..i mean from what he told me in the past. she was a friend that he fell inlove with. she stayed with his family for abit because she was also his sisters friend and she did try and seduce him when they were in high school but he turned her down because he wanted more than sex. she was his first love. but it still upset me when he added her because whether you loved someone 5 minutes ago, 5 years ago,15 years ago. the feeling is still there its just not visible until you end up seeing that person again and then those feelings return


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

In my eyes you dont have to be with someone physically to be in love..hence why emotional affairs can happen. and he was definately emotionally attached to her.. he probably still is i wont know until he starts acting different


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

My h was contacted by a former flame on FB. This was a chick that he said I never had to worry about, yada yada yada. Anyhoo, she contacts him on facebook and he turns her down. Cool. 
She then contacts him again on facebook (now I'm getting the FB e-mails redirected to my email) and she talks about how he went to her office and that she hoped he wasn't too upset, and she goes on.

I guess after she had msg'd him on FB, they had ran into eachother while he was at work (believable), she told him where she worked and they agreed to meet up that next week at her office for a sit down chat, catching up and all. 
From what I gathered from the both of them, and h also admitted to, they talked about high school and old friends, and then my h brought up that he still had feelings for her after they broke up and asked her why she thought they didn't work out. 
He hid their meeting from me and I actually had to talk to this chick IMMEDIATELY after finding out, so he couldn't contact her and have her change the story (if there was anything sordid). He was very shocked that I contacted her, so I probably didn't have to react so quickly, but it made me feel better nonetheless.

I actually had to listen to this chick criticize my distrust in my h because, in her opinion, "there is nothing wrong with a married man visiting a single woman at her office. You need to have better communication in your marriage. I don't get why everyone feels this way just because I don't have a ring on my finger." This chick has never been married, so whatever.

After all of this, he completely blocked on her facebook and we had to sit down and talk about boundaries, honesty, lying. 

That is my experience w/FB. To the OP, I think if your H respects you and your opinion, he'll delete her. It's too tempting to have a former flame as a contact on FB, at least for some people. I'm sure some folks out there are okay with it and don't explore the option, but for some, it may be too tempting. 
Like others have said, I don't blame FB at all.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

yeah fair enough kathy atleast it didnt become worse than it was. but for an update now.. we were doing good until yesterday my h accused me of being deceitful by messaging a friend(really he was just a friend in high school there was absolutely no physical or emotional involvment whats so ever). in fact he's actually the father of one of my good girlfriends kids so i'd never try anything anyway plus he's not my type. but because i didnt write on his fb wall my H thought i was trying to hide something. so we argued over that and now we're in a mood with each other again


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's like he's deliberately trying to turn some **** around on me


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

My first love is a friend of mine on FB. My wife gave up on her account and uses mine to keep up with things. Right before I got on here just now, my account was up and she was sitting in that list of frends who were recently online. 

I chatted with her once when we first friended. But like all of the other friends I've found on facebook, I realized there was a reason we didn't keep in touch. I have no problem with it.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Looks like you two need to cancel your FB accounts and spend some time together.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

RWB said:


> Stats... 1 in 10 of every human on planet now has a FB account, CNN, circa Jun 2011.
> 
> Jan 2011, FB is named as contributing factor in 25% of every divorce in US.
> 
> ...


Define "contributing factor"... I used my cell phone to text and communicate secretly with my AP. I'd say that ability to communicate in a way that my wife couldn't monitor played a significant factor in my affair. And I'd guess that cell phones are used that way in a LOT more than 25% of affairs.

Maybe we should all become Quakers...

C


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## Tzu68 (May 9, 2011)

If you have any red flags...or your gut is telling you something isn't right about his friend request--don't ignore what your instincts are telling you--there's a reason why you're concerned. 
My first love sent me a friend request after 21 years of no contact...and it lead to a highly charged EA/PA that lasted a year.
If only I had acted on my discernment my life wouldn't be where it is. Temptation is everywhere and not a single person is immune from it.
I hope for nothing but the best for you....


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