# Husband had EA with best friend



## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just for somewhere to put everything that is happening. 

We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. We have worked for the same company for the last 7 years. We have and ups and downs in our marriage as everyone does but they have been mostly related to 2 things; his struggle with drinking and my overall lack touchy feeliness, including low sex drive. Through it all If I had to rate our marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 it would shave been an 8 and he has always agreed. 

My best friend has worked for the same company as us for the last 5 years. Also, in that time, our families have grown close. We have kids that are the same age and had bbqs, went camping, to the beach, park, the gym etc. together. 

In mid - November my husband fell off the wagon. He told me about it the next morning and also shared that he was struggling with some depression issues. We sat down and talked. I told him I had his back as long as he got back on the wagon and kept working on it. He said he would. At the end of November our families went camping together for Thanksgiving. Fast forward to December, I planned a 15 year anniversary trip to Jamaica for my husband and I. On that trip we had a deep talk and he expressed how hard it was for him that I was not a touchy feely person. We also talked about our overall lack of sex life (avg. twice per month) and his discontent. We talked about the fact that before getting pregnant and marrying him I had never pictured myself being married and that I was married to him because I wanted to be, not because I needed to be. He was devastated but we both committed to working on it. We got back from the trip and it was tough. I was constantly assessing whether I was showing enough affection etc. Around the same time my grandmother who live in another started a rapid decline that would result in her death 3 weeks later. I flew out and helped care for her for two weeks. A week after returning home, I found out that despite what he had told me my husband had not only continued drinking but that he had increased the frequency and intensity of the drinking. I handed him my weeding ring and told him I was done. He begged me to stay and I said I had to think about it. The next morning my grandmother passed away. I left town 2 days later for the funeral and was gone for 4 days. When I got back we talked and I agreed to go to therapy, etc. with him to try to fix what was broken in our marriage. We both agreed that we needed to pull back from our outside commitments and focus on our marriage and our family. The next 8 weeks were awesome. My husband recommitted to working his program going to 5 meetings on average a week and got his 60 day chip. We sat down and had an honest talk about our finances and where things were (he spends money like people drink water when he is drinking). Life was good. I had hope. I knew that although we had a good marriage before, noes it could be great.

Then 6 days ago I stayed home from work with my youngest because she was sick. She asked me to change a tv program and I picked up my husband's iPad (the remote is on an app) and when I did I saw a text exchange between my husband and best friend. It was not bad, just off. It was enough to make me wonder. Later that afternoon when he got home I read through his text messages. They only went back to mid January because he had gotten a new phone around that time. But they were devastating. They were having an emotional affair. 

I have never been so crushed in my life. I confronted him about it and at first he denied it and then minimized it and then owned up to it. He said that he had disengaged from the relationship at the beginning of January because he knew it was wrong and he wanted to work on our marriage. He had and has no explanation for why they continued sending those kinds of messages after that time. He says that they kissed once but that they never did anything beyond that. He has talked to me about it each day since and has answered all of my questions.

But I am so angry and hurt and disgusted with both of them. I have cut off all personal contact with her but as I said we work together and have to travel together. Our jobs interact quite a bit. My husband works with us as well but his job and and hers do not interact. Neither one of us is in a position to leave our jobs. 

We are both going to therapy both separate and together. I have not made a decision about what I am going to do. I am taking it one day at a time right now. 

Thank you for the private space to vent. Feedback is appreciated.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

By fell of the wagon do u mean relapse?


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Nvm i saw the drinking part. How long ago did be enter recovery? How many years has he had sober


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

His sobriety has gone in stretches. The longest stretch almost 6 years. He has fallen off 4 times in our marriage. Every other time has been a one nighter and then back on the next day.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

somebodyiusedtoknow said:


> I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just for somewhere to put everything that is happening.
> 
> We have been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. We have worked for the same company for the last 7 years. We have and ups and downs in our marriage as everyone does but they have been mostly related to 2 things; his struggle with drinking and my overall lack touchy feeliness, including low sex drive. Through it all If I had to rate our marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 it would shave been an 8 and he has always agreed.
> 
> ...


Uhhh... you need to keep digging, because he's lying.

It's never, Never, NEVER "just a kiss".

Do you still have his old phone? If so, what kind is it?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It's never, Never, NEVER "just a kiss".

This is so true and was the exact same thing my husband told me. I believed him. Four years later he finally told me the truth; it had been a very active sexual affair for a long time. He also pulled the denial and minimizing crap on me. Just be prepared that there could still be more to the emotional affair than he is telling you.


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

Although I can not retrieve the tests, I tried. I have reviewed all of the phone records and it does match what he is saying. The text messages between them began mid november along with phone conversations. December and January it peaked and then February to March there was barely any activity; just what I was able to read and about 15 minutes of phone conversation. He says that he is not even sexually attracted to her, never has been. That it was how good she made him feel. Telling him she missed him or looked forward to seeing him. Telling him how nice her looked at work. She is also a touchy person - which as I stated before, I am not. 

You know what is horrible I would have preferred if it was a one night stand with someone I did not know. Or even if it was an EA with someone I did not know I think it would be better then this. It is the emotional intimacy between them. The betrayal by both of them that is killing me. The fact that they knew what it would do to me and did it anyway. 

I feel like as soon as I have wrapped myself around it and started to working through it another situation arises that slams it right back in my face.

Like today, he had to talk to her at work. He took the other coworker who was involved in the issue with him and let me know about it right after. But I was pissed! I know he had to for work but it did not matter. 

All the things she did I do not do on a regular basis. I am not a touchy person. During therapy my husband and I tracked for one day how many people we initiated touch with. I initiated with 4 people. He initiated with 58! I tell him when he looks nice but it is not a constant, everyday thing. I also know he wants sex more often then I do and that impacts things.

So basically, in addition to dealing with the loss of my best friend, the possible loss of my marriage, the disrupt this is causing in my work life I am now questioning myself....it sucks.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is not just an EA.

If it matters to you whether they have been sleeping together, then you need to start digging.

This has been going on for much longer than he or she admit to.

Unfortunately, we all know that from what you have written. The predictability of it is sad but true.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I hope the other woman's husband has been informed of her cheating.....


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

I have not said anything to her husband. 

I did not put it in the original post because it was so long already but after the camping trip over Thanksgiving her husband came to our house while she was away on a business trip. He said that my husband was interfering in their marriage but did not have anything other then the Thanksgiving camping trip as an example. They had booked the trip to go with us and then last minute his mom came down to visit his sister and he wanted to go there for Thanksgiving. His mom hates her (is rude, says means things, etc) so she said that she would go down for the day but then wanted everyone to drive back up for the rest of the weekend. He ended up joining us on the trip half way through. 

Anyway, my response. You need to look at your own marriage. This is not about us. How f'ing stupid was I!?!

I know that they have been going to therapy and working on things. He may already know but what if he doesn't and I bring it to him first and it blows up the marriage? Also, our boss is best friend's with someone in their family.

I DO NOT want this to come back to my work. Whether I stay and work on things or not we all need the money and the industry we are in is a bit cottage in that everyone knows each other.

Also, thank you for all the replies. It is good to know that someone is listening. It is good to get it all out there.

Count down to next therapy session 3 days....


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Again,.....it's never just a kiss. Please don't be fooled. 

Therapy is a very time consuming and expensive endeavor that will not work without the truth. 

You do not have the truth.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Many experts say sex less than three times a month is a sexless marriage. If you dislike sex so much you should not have married him. Assuming he has an average sex drive, this has driven him near crazy.

I doubt his story it wasn't sexual but its possible. He's walking around with horns and there is an available woman. I would also guess his alcohol problem is an escape from a loveless marriage and his desire to keep his family together.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

My 2 cents...the other posters are probably right. It's probably way more than an EA. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. The idea of your husband betraying you is bad enough...but add in the fact that it was with your best friend?!

So fine you've got things to work on...but it doesn't excuse his behavior and you since you can't promise to be the perfect wife 100%, what's he going to change about himself to make sure it doesn't happen again. Because no matter what you did or didn't do, you aren't responsible for him cheating.


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

Despite what you may read from my post Chaparral I do love my husband and always have. There are many things that contributed to how much we have sex. Including past issues with sexual abuse, low testosterone levels (mine), etc. I have engaged in therapy, taken supplements and down other things to address the issue. It is not something that is ignored. It is acknowledged (painfully) and I do try to work on it. When we are intimate it is great. 

I include that information because I do think that it is part of the picture but I do not think that is a reason or can justify it. We have talked in the past that if he needs more sexually and it not something I can or am willing to give I would understand and would support him even if it means divorce. 

He has always told me that despite the infrequent sex that I am his best friend and his life partner and that he would work through the sex with me. 

BTW - After our discussion on our anniversary not only did I work to initiate but did not decline any overtures. We had sex more between December and when I found out then we had in the prior 6 months.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are being gaslighted big time...He is blaming everythingon you while the truth is that he is a alcoholic liar. Would he accept if you cheated and your reason was that the other guy wasn't a drunk and doesn't lie ? Well, that is what he is doing right nw.

Apologise to the husband of your "friend".

And like people mentioned. It wasn't just a kiss.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Many experts say sex less than three times a month is a sexless marriage. If you dislike sex so much you should not have married him. Assuming he has an average sex drive, this has driven him near crazy.
> 
> I doubt his story it wasn't sexual but its possible. He's walking around with horns and there is an available woman. I would also guess his alcohol problem is an escape from a loveless marriage and his desire to keep his family together.


So because of that it's ok for him to drink and cheat? I'd think of divorcing him for his drinking alone. I doubt he will ever stay sober. I suggest you both leave that company, I don't know how you get any work done having to work with the OW and worrying that your husband is talking to the OW.


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

HappliyMarried25 - I get through work because of my pride. I can not handle the thought of losing a job I love that I have been at for 7 years because of someone else. That gives me the flexibility to work from home and to be with my kids when they need me. Then she would win. The only way is to do better.....

I told my boss today that she and I have had an unrepairable falling out. That I could not share a room with her when we travel. His response - ok let me know if anything else needs to change.

I told him nothing else needed to change. I am a professional and would act as such. 

The reality, I hope she is squirming. I have refused to speak to her. I sent her a text telling her we are no longer friends and that she is one of the most ****ed up people I know. 

I hate what this has done to me. I have never been a suspicious person. My husband and I have always interacted with and had friends of the opposite sex, no jealousy.

This is a game changer. As I type I am resisting the urge to check the cell phone bill, to grab his phone and read through his text messages.

I want to tell everyone I know and at the same time don't want anyone to know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why are you resisting the urge?

There are people here with a lot of experience who have heard your story many, many times. It's always the same. There is more than he is telling. He is lying. That is what your story is telling us here.

Please open your eyes. Do some more digging.


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

I am resisting because there is soooo much at stake. 

I have been digging. I just looked into Dr. Phone and am downloading. So far I found a message between him and his sponsor talking about what is happening and hi telling his sponsor that he did not sleep with her.

Still digging. Still obsessed. Wish I could sleep.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Even though you will have egg on your face, tell the husband. He knew something was up since at least November. More than a kiss...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Good you have a job and can support you and your children, plus he will have to pay child support. Why aren't you leaving because of his drinking? This can't be good for your children. I grew up with an alcoholic Dad who was sober off and on. My Mom stayed because of the kids. When he was sober he was a dry drunk, angry and didn't participate in anything. He needs to get sober an stay that way and if he starts drinking again, leave, you have given him plenty of chances.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

just a kiss - is cheater speak for at least oral sex.

get you and him an STD test. for protection and to embarrass him. more later. gotta go.


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## casey66 (Jan 25, 2015)

I personally had an EA issue a while back which put my life in a tailspin causing me to loose over 25lbs. in four months. In my opinion an EA is more taxing on the mind than a full blown affair because at least one of the EA participants is also dealing with self control teasing them from going for what feels good. The thing that kept me hanging onto the EA was the fact that the other woman was my cheerleader, praising and encouraging my personal and career ambitions. Upon the warm and fuzzy feeling, I unfortunately didn't do anything to suggest I was indeed committed to my marriage. At the time my wife was complacent with our relationship, we had sex about once every other month out of obligation and her attention and emotional support became directed toward our children, leaving me feel unappreciated and invisible. In my situation the other woman was a before marriage GF which provoked me into thinking "what if I did things differently." Similar to your situation, We texted a few times a week which continued suggesting our interest in each other. This consumed my thought llife causing me to loose sleep, diminished my appetite and causing me to be depressed because I had a card in my hand to make me happy but was already committed to playing the card I had on the table as a husband and father. Fortunately, it never turned into anything physical. It wasn't until I confided with a good friend that helped me realize that although it appeared my life would seem happier with the EA woman there is no guarantee it would turn out that way if I ended up with her. 

Everyone deals with crisis situations differently. As per the context of your post it may be that your husband turned to the booze to help take his mind off the EA. Perhaps a good friend who has the best interest of your marriage can talk to him. It also has potential of establishing accountability so that your husband has someone to talk to before doing something stupid.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Maybe your H or the OW should not work together.

The OW's H knows that something happened.

He deserves to know whatever you find out.

Your H-has he gone NC with the OW?

He should write you a timeline of their A.

How would he like it if you had an A? I am not suggesting that you have one, but he should be thinking about his remorse for your pain.


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## somebodyiusedtoknow (Mar 16, 2015)

casey66 - did you an your wife get through it? Are things better? 

harry brown - I am going to tell her husband I just need to figure out how. As I mentioned before we work in a very cottage industry and what my husband does is very specialized. It would be difficult for him to change companies and for us to stay local.

He did write a timeline. He broke it down by month and provided a summary of what happened, his thoughts, etc. but it just did not feel detailed enough. He said if he was me he would also think that more had happened. He said if he was in my situation he does not know if he could stay and try to work on it. 

He has gone to no contact with her. He has had two interactions since I found out. The first was the day after. He was walking around saying good morning to everyone and said good morning to her and SMILED! I flipped out. He apologized profusely said he was just being polite. I said that it was unacceptable and he agreed that would not happen again.

The second time was yesterday and was was work related with another co-worker. He let me know immediately. I was not happy but unless he changes jobs or she changes jobs there is not much I can do about that.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

somebodyiusedtoknow said:


> casey66 - did you an your wife get through it? Are things better?
> 
> harry brown - I am going to tell her husband I just need to figure out how. As I mentioned before we work in a very cottage industry and what my husband does is very specialized. It would be difficult for him to change companies and for us to stay local.
> 
> ...


....look....its clear her husband is already angry and distressed at your husband, and probably you also for the way he was blown off. Validating his concern will probably be of great benefit to his mental health, and maybe the two of you can partner to ensure that the two EA partners are keep far apart.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Why don't you call her husband up and tell him he was right and you apologize for blowing him off back in the fall. Compare notes with him so you can get a full picture. By contacting him you have two people (you and him) watching the situation instead of just one.


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## casey66 (Jan 25, 2015)

SombodyIusedtoknow - I appologized to the OW explaining I misled her to believe the possibility of a viable more than friends relationship between us. This stopped the contact between us but cant deny it is still a struggle at times when our marriage feels numb.


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