# married to a sexual deviant



## Blackbirdfly (Aug 15, 2011)

This isn't exactly a regular sex in marriage type issue, but seems to be the closest fit. I am looking for advice on being married to a sexual deviant. 

He will be seeking therapy of course, but I'm not sure how to go about healing our relationship. We currently have no sex life whatsoever. 

I basically am completely turned off and disgusted by him b/c of what he has done but I do love him. He has a major issue with dishonesty and probably needs professional help for that too.

I have posted on another marriage forum, but I feel like our problem is out of the realm of a normal marriage issue, and I feel very alone in this problem, with all of my searching I have never found someone else with a similar story. So, if anyone knows of a marriage forum on this sort of thing, I'd love to hear as well. I think I also posted here before about our story but deleted it. 

Short story, almost two years ago I found out my husband was taking extreme liberties with me while I was sleeping. He was streaming video of doing lots of sexual stuff to me on the internet. (if you want clarification on anything, just ask)

More story has come out over time, and basically now I think he is being pretty honest and it is an ongoing issue. Unfortunately I found out this was not a one time thing and has not stopped. He says he feels unable to control to himself and is extremely tempted to continue to do these things. He is attracted to me sleeping during all of this, and also having other men see/experience what he is doing.

He also says he fantasizes about having other men actually having sex with me, but he has never asked me to do this (of course I wouldn't) and as far as I know has never really seriously looked into having this happen. I'm not sure if he means with me awake and wanting to do it or what.

So, it's a lot to overcome. I still want my marriage, but I want to just feel normal one day, be able to get over this. I realize this will probably be a life long issue that we will always need to take precautions with, but at least as of yesterday, there is no way he is able to act out these fantasies anymore. At least not with me! He is as of now still sleeping in the same bed with me, but that I may change, however I am being very cautious anyway and know nothing can happen, just the ick factor of still sleeping next to him. 

I would love to hear from someone who is or has a spouse struggling with a sex addiction or deviancy and good steps for healing your relationship.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you ever gone to your doctor as to why you can sleep so heavily that you don't wake up when something like this happens? I think that is a big problem in and of itself.

Sleep sex - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Yah, what your husband did is totally wrong - I'd even call it spousal rape. Is this still going on? How are you ensuring it isn't still a problem?

And, ask yourself, why are you willing to stay with someone who would treat you like that? I would likely be so spitting mad if this happened to me, I'd be trying every which way to get him charged and he would only see the dust kicked up by my heels as I exited - but that is me as I would have a hard time taking something like this lightly.

I think that both of you need the help of a professional, like a counselor/psychologist. I hope that you both will consider seeking that out.

I hope that you will also seek out your doctor to discuss your sleep issue.

And I hope you will look deep inside yourself and realize that you have value in and of yourself and you deserve better treatment, especially from your spouse.

Best wishes.


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## Blackbirdfly (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm sorry I thought I had included that....I have sleep issues, and have for years.

I have insomnia and am basically chronically exhausted. I fall asleep if I sit in once place too long but do not stay asleep long enough to be rested. 

I also am a heavy sleeper when I do sleep....hard to wake me, I don't hear things, and I talk in my sleep, (used to sleep walk but don't think I have in a long time)

So, anyway, I often take medicine that helps me to stay asleep. Otherwise I will sleep for maybe 2 or 3 hours and then wake up for the rest of the night. I don't do it every night but probably 2-3 nights a week on average to "catch up" on sleep. It makes me even more dead asleep, and helps me get past the point where I would normally wake up. 

As far as prevention, I'm being very careful with non accessible clothing in bed and being nice and wrapped up (helps that it is cold now right now), and I haven't taken anything to help me sleep (which is not ideal, and I can't do that forever) so I think he would have to work so hard to accomplish anything, it would definitely wake me up. Also the computer he always used no longer has a working webcam so he would have to resort to using his phone or something.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Think I may have responded when you posted previously ...

Huge violation of boundaries.

I don't want to get into the semantics of what does and what does not constitute an addiction, but if your husband cannot control these urges ... then there really is no healing.

I have a very close friend that left her husband over his consistent lying about using pornography. He never admitted to being out of control, that there was anything 'deviant' about the kind of porn that he was aroused by, nor sought out treatment. Basically, he had no desire to let go of his addiction in order to save his marriage.

Sounds like you are in similar circumstances. This is not someone you can trust. End of story. 

And as for yourself, you should distinctly be taking steps to avoid being victimized any further. You should be taking a hard look at why you feel compelled to stay with someone whose proclaimed desire is to victimize you further.


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## Blackbirdfly (Aug 15, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Think I may have responded when you posted previously ...
> 
> Huge violation of boundaries.
> 
> ...


I think you were right about him until just recently. He has come more clean than ever and really actually wants to go into therapy and has also said he want to tell me when he is feeling this way when before I think he would have just acted on it. 

He does want to get better, and I know his life won't improve, with or without me, without him getting treatment. He has taken big steps, he even spoke with Dr. Harley on his radio show (marriage builders) and that is just huge for him. Of course, he still wasn't totally honest then, but doing it at all is amazing. He has since come clean to me and is recognizing what he is thinking/doing is way out of the norm and he needs therapy. 

He has a desire to change, and I want to support that. Our issue is getting past the pain of what has been done, and moving forward to make life as normal as possible, while facing the fact that we have to take extra precautions to prevent any further violations.

Writing it out, I honestly say to myself, why am I even with him, but in my heart I know I love him and he loves me. I really don't think I have the battered wife thing going on, I really have sat and thought about it, but I don't know, maybe I am delusional or something.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm sorry I will never understand the whole heavy sleeper didn't know someone was having sex with me thing. I'm not saying it didn't happen or its not possible, I'm saying I don't really understand it. Hope your house is never on fire! 

Bottom line, he needs some help. I hope he is able to get some.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Maybe you two could get rid of internet access at home.
It would be tougher for him to broadcast the abuse to others.
If you got rid of anything he could tape it with, 
it would be impossible to document it on video.
if you didn't sleep in a room he had access to you ( a locked bedroom, no key for him),
even more so.

He can stop when he has to stop. Period.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make him wear a chastity belt when you sleep?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

michzz said:


> You stay because you feel as though you like the guy he presents as himself to you.
> 
> But the problem is that he is NOT that guy.
> 
> ...



This.
I cannot believe that you are still sleeping in the same bed. Talk about giving an addict access, no matter how clothed you are. How can you sleep next to him and trust him?

This is a huge violation of trust. In fact I would react worse to this than cheating. You now have video of your husband Raping you posted over the internet for all time. I do not care how sorry he is, that is sick.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

trey69 said:


> I'm sorry I will never understand the whole heavy sleeper didn't know someone was having sex with me thing. I'm not saying it didn't happen or its not possible, I'm saying I don't really understand it. Hope your house is never on fire!
> 
> Bottom line, he needs some help. I hope he is able to get some.


I wake up often to my husband having sex with me. It's a turn on for me and we agreed it was ok to do, so I have no problem with it. But that's a personal decision that we made. 

But I do sleep very heavy so I can believe the OP. If hubs and I didn't agree on this a long time ago, I would be very upset to wake up to this. As it is, I love it...but that's just us.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

To the OP if you don't like it and didn't agree to it, then something needs to to be done. I find that quite disturbing personally.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Wow - as a female, I also have been violated in many ways, but I can't even begin to FATHOM the horror of having it broadcast on the internet. Especially by my HUSBAND??

Your husband humiliated and degraded you. And really wants to continue...

While your thread contains much shocking information, I really can't wrap my mind around the idea that you're still sleeping in the same bed with him. And dressing to prevent the abuse? Why?

I understand what it feels like to love someone else that much. And hoping and praying the changes are real. 

But, at the very least, until you know the changes are real, remove yourself from the danger. I'd be sleeping behind a locked door, at the very least....


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## Blackbirdfly (Aug 15, 2011)

I really am on the fence about being in the same room with him. I don't really want to be, but I have not asked him to sleep somewhere else. I am also seriously considering separation just to get my thoughts sorted out. He even suggested a security camera in the bedroom to prove he will leave me alone, but I hate the thought of even having to do something like that. The thought of potentially having to sleep apart from my husband for the foreseeable future is depressing to me. Obviously the whole situation is depressing. And on top of it he admitted to an "almost" affair that happened a few years ago. I had NO idea. Just shocking. When I read it all I understand why people think I'm crazy to want to be with him, it sounds really awful. 

I don't see us ever having a normal sex life, ever being able to put my guard down, ever just being a regular married couple again...and yet I can't make the leap towards divorce. It just isn't what I want.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Think there are two compelling reasons you should have him sleep in another room and secure your room or have him leave the house. First, you will be safer, secondly, you remove temptation from him. If he is trying to beat this addiction, it will be easier without temptation. Alchoholics don't go to bars in the initial stages of their recovery for that reason. Moreover, you can get the rest you need in a time of great stress. 

I really don't understand what your motives are for not removing him from the room. You have to look at that. It seems to me that a natural and healthy response would be to ask him to leave the room at the very lest or even to leave the house. You did not do that. Instead you go through elaborate rituals to ward him off and deny your self the sleep you need. 

The simplest thing to do is to remove him from your room. He already told you he is tempted. The fact that he does not leave is another puzzle. If he sincerely sorry and tempted why not protect you by volunteering to sleep somewhere else. He is making ot more difficult on himself. I have to wonder if he is committed to recovery or waiting for an oppurtunity to ofend again. 

You two seemed to be locked in a strange dynamic that may be indicative of your dysfunction as well as his. Ask yourself - who is the adult in this situation? It floors me that you are in the same bed with a man who has violated you let alone still in the same house. Niether of you seem to be thinking clearly. I advise you to take the leadership in this. Protect yourself first by getting him out and away. He will also benifit by being able to concentrate on getting better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I wake up often to my husband having sex with me. It's a turn on for me and we agreed it was ok to do, so I have no problem with it. But that's a personal decision that we made.
> 
> But I do sleep very heavy so I can believe the OP. If hubs and I didn't agree on this a long time ago, I would be very upset to wake up to this. As it is, I love it...but that's just us.


:iagree: The only difference is, I am awake by the time the intercourse starts. My husband has woken me up with kisses and caresses in _those _spots.

The OP is speaking of something entirely different. To be honest, I don't understand why she is still in the marriage.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

LOL! He wants to install "security" cameras so he won't be filming himself doing things to you without your knowledge.....


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

As I read your words, I'm wondering what you want/need from this marriage? I think your consistent adherence to hope is exaggerated. But why? What are you afraid of? Even the idea of sleeping apart from him is that upsetting? Even after the violation?

There is something in you allowing yourself to continue to be treated this way. I'd be willing to guess it's fear. But fear of what?


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## ilikeindos (Aug 20, 2011)

I would say his conduct is inappropriate and unacceptable.

However, regarding your point on him wanting another man to sleep with you, well it is increasingly common (or at least desired) in modern society, so I wouldn't personally consider that as far-out. I think that (not accounting for the sex whilst asleep, which is despicable) he and you have different sexual limits/morals.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> LOL! He wants to install "security" cameras so he won't be filming himself doing things to you without your knowledge.....


:smthumbup: I agree, that is kinda odd to me. You sure he doesn't want to install security cameras for other reasons. Like another way to get a show in the bedroom caught on tape. :scratchhead:


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## Blackbirdfly (Aug 15, 2011)

I had a whole thing typed out earlier and then my computer decided to restart just before submitting!

We have since talked about the whole him not sleeping in the bed thing, he is definitely not thrilled with the idea but is willing if I insist. I'm not sure I feel insistent. I feel like no webcam access and careful clothing choices help remove temptation.

My major motivation for staying married is our kids. I would have probably gotten out of the marriage in the beginning if it wasn't for our first (he's had several major issues that have really hurt me, mostly involving dishonesty). And two years ago, when this first happened, well, I was as close as ever to leaving. 

But, I really want to keep our family together, and right now I can stay home with my children, which obviously I would not be able to do if we split. He is a great father, and it would hurt the kids to not have us together anymore. 

Finding out all that I have in the past few days has made therapy an absolute requirement, and a polygraph as well. He is willing to do both.

I guess I have made the decision to stay, and now need to work on finding love for a man who has caused a lot of hurt. 

As far as his specific sexual issues go, I think porn has done a lot to mess up his values and sexual interests. He admitted to me that what really turned him on was other guys getting off to the video/streaming he did of me. Having me unaware was an extra thrill, and he says he is turned on by that whether or not webcamming is a possibility. He also said that he is unable to initiate sex with me (he never will initiate, and never has) b/c he is afraid I am faking it or not actually into it which I find terribly ironic that he then would rather have sex with me sleeping? And for the record, I didn't lay there like a dead fish when we were having sex. 

I think he knows how much I would NEVER ever have sex with another man, so maybe the video streaming was the next best thing, I don't know. 

He is supposed to be abstaining from all sexual activity (even masturbation) without me, and I don't think he is. I am supposed to be a dominant or at least equal partner in sexual encounters, but we are not having sex at all so, obviously that is not happening. I know this is something I need to work on, but it is difficult to have sex with someone when you have repulsive feelings towards them. This is my biggest worry for being able to save our relationship....we cannot go on forever in a sexless marriage, and I feel I can't build trust for him when I can't possibly know for sure that he is following all the rules. However, as long as I'm not a willing partner, surely he is fantasizing about being able to have me as an unaware partner....it's an endless circle. 

Sorry for the rambling, I guess I need a journal or something to sort all of my thoughts, as I often figure out things just as I'm typing them!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Blackbirdfly said:


> Sorry for the rambling, I guess I need a journal or something to sort all of my thoughts, as I often figure out things just as I'm typing them!


Keep rambling. Sometimes it's the only way to find clarity. Your situation is BEYOND confusing - I'm certain you feel at times you will never wrap your mind around it. I really wish I could help more, but I know there are many here who can.

Keep your chin up.


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

I've experienced it before. I noticed he always liked me sleeping with my head on his laps. Sometimes I sleep but other times I just close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I'm not a heavy sleeper, especially when he's close. He peeks at my face from time to time and I feel him staring at me for whatever reasons,maybe fluttering eyelids to be sure I'm really sleeping. Next thing is he gently pulls my clothes to expose more flesh,den unzips his trousers. Starts making a video of my exposed body(especially the breasts), and him masturbating to it. When I try to turn or pretend I'm about to wake up, he quickly stops all movements and act like he's been sleeping the whole time. Sometimes I have to tap him severally before he 'finally' wakes up. Initially I was too irritated by it all that I kept quiet, it was quite new to me. Then I stumbled on all those videos in a hidden folder one day I just blew up. This is a guy that wouldn't even kiss me for months when we started dating.

All that happened while we were dating and I tried to break up with him once. Well, I was stupid enough to still marry him and now what I have is a joke of a marriage. He's so full of strange behaviours,I wouldn't even want to go there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uneven (Nov 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Dressing to prevent the abuse by you wearing more secure clothing or him a chastity belt does nothing if you fall aslees as heavily as you have.... in fact it may make the whole thing more appealing to your husband... having to peel layers off and try to get away with more.

You can only stay with him if you are ok with this, period. You can go into your state of denial by expressing "he is opening up" he is going to counselling" etc... Doesnt matter, its like taking a break from anything you like to do... To give up an addiction is not possible, people die to get what they are addicted to. People can choose to control the addiction instead of the addiction controlling the person. Since he has already used you for his addictive purposes, he will always see you as a source. Sorry to be so blunt, but much of my education was spent on addictions (prior to my family systems work) and I remember quite clearly the reason I chose not to go into addictions work was bc of the low success rate... In other words I would have had to watch people I truly believed were "better" go use again and usually worse than prior to getting the help. I couldnt handle that, call me a whimp.

If you are not ok with this, your only choice is to leave. He fairs a better chance at getting a handle on this if you arent there... you are like an alcoholics bottle of Vodka, or a drug addicts pipe. You are the outlet for him to do these things and no matter how long he doesnt do these things, there is a high likelihood it will happen again. 

Besides that, you wont be able to take the medicine you need to treat your sleep issue bc then he has full access anyway, regardless of having internet access in your home. Its really only not ok bc you arent ok with it (ie some women are ok with that)... so the final choice is up to you... stay and accept it will always be a possibility or accept that its not ok with you and go. Decide what your boundaries are and dont let anyone cross them... HOWEVER, you have the added burden of this sleep issue... so it seems to me you need to be sleeping in the same bed with someone who wont do those things, someone you can trust 100% since you are like a living corpse when you are in that sleep state, otherwise your lack of sleep will compromise your health, ability to function etc.

There is a reason you are not finding alot on the internet about this, its not common. People who do like this activity, have usually found someone that likes it too, so its not a problem for them.

It sounds like you are not ok with this. Yet you say you want the marriage to work. THIS is part of who he is and its a part you are not ok with on a safety level... dont minimalize this or try to be the saving grace for him.... he has to do that. Dont be the source, dont be the co-dependent. If you want to look up something worthwhile on the internet, there is a ton of info about co-dependency... enabling someone and putting their needs and well being above your own to the point that yours dont exist. 

This is a very tough thing for you to have to deal with, leave it at that. Dont make this more than it is.... it really shouldnt be a crisis if you knew your boundaries and stayed true to yourself, the decision is easy. Stay or go based on what your boundaries are. Try to look at it like that.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Blackbirdfly said:


> I had a whole thing typed out earlier and then my computer decided to restart just before submitting!
> 
> We have since talked about the whole him not sleeping in the bed thing, he is definitely not thrilled with the idea but is willing if I insist. I'm not sure I feel insistent. I feel like no webcam access and careful clothing choices help remove temptation.
> 
> ...



The bottom line is you cannot trust him, and this is not the only area you cannot trust him in. Since kids are involved and you desire to continue to be a stay at home mom... I understand that motivation more than you know... HE needs to be locked into a room for sleeping at night. He is the one with the problem (and you are the one with a problem with it)... that way you stay an intact family and he can slowly self destruct in that room behind several locks, and at least you will be able to sleep in safety. You cannot lseep in the same bed with someone who violated you in that way and you have the sleep issue that you have. So the rest of my other post stands as is.


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## Medium (Jul 7, 2016)

Is this the last guy or I should say creep on earth? Who cares what therapy he needs, wants to undertake, probably won't stick because you have used scare tactics. 

My question to you is: why are you so insecure that you are afraid to be single or continue to keep looking for a quality person than stay with a guy who has no moral compass, has violated you in the most intimate ways. And worse you might have a daughter with him -- would any really be safe with this guy? 

You need to be in therapy to discover that answer and if you are staying, get your tubes tied. And although all women want some guy they can fix, makes them feel useful, you can't fix a broken person. His parts sound really defective anyhow and he had better get busy on fixing himself and you had better get busy on finding out why you want fixer uppers of the worst kind!!!!


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