# what should i do?



## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

i been married with my wife for 4 years and we have 2 daugters 2.5 & 11 months old.. for the past 3 years our sex life has been terrible. my wife kept blaming it to the hormons and ofcourse i was doing my best to understand her. shes a home stay mom. i work 70 hrs a week. there was a lot of tense in the house, fights etc. we started having sex a bit more often but she only was doing it to please me, she didnt really feel it. as she said she loves me but not in love with me.

a month ago she decided that we go on a seperation but still me staying in the house for our kids.we had sex a couple times and that kinda confuses things but what happen last week was we went out with other friends, i saw a guy grabbing her and went to his friend and told him nicely to tell him that i dont appreciate that (they knew we are seperated) and then she got all mad when the other idiot told her, she left the place drunk i didnt want to leave her alone, she kept yelling at me to let her go to her friends while we had our car there, i told her just let me drive you home and she left with a cab, or thats what i thought.

seems that she got out of the cab and the other 2 guys (1 the friend of mine) gave her a ride. then she texted around 4.30 am the other guy if he d want to have sex with her. and ofcourse he did. she didnt tell me anything about it, but i had a gut feeeling and 2 days later went through her texts and saw she texted her girlfriend and told her about it. i went nuts and she said shes only sorry for me finding it out. shes not sorry that she felt having sex with that guy because it made her feel alive that she hasnt with me for almost 3 years.

i consider it cheating. she said we were seperated . had i not got crazy at the club and told the guy what i said nothing prolly whould have happened she said. but she wont punish herself for how she felt. and she is happy to find out that it wasnt her hromones because she felt great and its something with us ...and i really dont know what say back to that.

long story short i am trying my very best to work things out for our kids and because i do love her AND am in love with her, no matter what. things had been tough with us and i kinda had seen this coming but not this fast. she wants to give it a lost shot too for the kids, and because she wants to be happy with me, but doesnt know how to fall in love with me.

any advice of what i should do would be appreciated


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Start separating finances and file for divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Start divorce proceedings immediately. Your kids are so young they won't know what's going on. Staying with a lying cheater who has no intention of stopping is NOT in your childrens best interest. She engineering the whole thing, starting with ILYBNILWY.

There's a newbie link in my signature - read it. She did cheat and probably still is, and it probably isn't the first time.


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Start divorce proceedings immediately. Your kids are so young they won't know what's going on. Staying with a lying cheater who has no intention of stopping is NOT in your childrens best interest. She engineering the whole thing, starting with ILYBNILWY.
> 
> There's a newbie link in my signature - read it. She did cheat and probably still is, and it probably isn't the first time.


well, she said that she was going to admit it to me but she didnt because she knows how hurt i would get.

she does want to fix this she said and i do know she loves me. i did get nuts over this whole weekend thing at the club i ll admit that but at no point i saw this coming.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OK, guy, SHE cheated. SHE doesn't get to decide what happens here. YOU do.

She doesn't even think what she did was cheating because you were 'separated'. Come on. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing right from the beginning. She set you up.

I know this is hard to hear and even harder to act on, but if you let her keep calling the shots, you're going to find yourself in ten or twelve years with a serial cheating wife who walks all over you, and two teenagers to deal with who see the way she treats you and think it's normal. Is that what you really want??


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> OK, guy, SHE cheated. SHE doesn't get to decide what happens here. YOU do.
> 
> She doesn't even think what she did was cheating because you were 'separated'. Come on. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing right from the beginning. She set you up.
> 
> I know this is hard to hear and even harder to act on, but if you let her keep calling the shots, you're going to find yourself in ten or twelve years with a serial cheating wife who walks all over you, and two teenagers to deal with who see the way she treats you and think it's normal. Is that what you really want??


well on this one its up to me whatever i want to do she will do. i want divorce she ll do it. i want to work on this she ll do it. but she said its the last time we try, so i dont think 10-12 years would be necessary, more like within a few months we will know if we can be together or not. and i really want this for my kids to work out, and because i still love her

the whole point is her falling in love with me the way it was 3 years ago. what i didnt mention was everything was perfect our first year but i was doing webcaming stuff. . and told her i would stop, but i didnt. and got caught twice.. every since then she has changed. but we were fine up to few months ago that she said she needs to love again ..


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

She separated so she could cheat.

The webcam stuff is a bad, but not a valid excuse. You don't make a marriage better by cheating, ever. You don't fall back in love with your husband by cheating on him.

What on Earth makes you think that she will do whatever you say to do?


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

MSP said:


> She separated so she could cheat.
> 
> The webcam stuff is a bad, but not a valid excuse. You don't make a marriage better by cheating, ever. You don't fall back in love with your husband by cheating on him.
> 
> What on Earth makes you think that she will do whatever you say to do?


she really got hurt catching me the firts time still doing the webcam stuff and then the 2nd time a month or so after it torn her. and took us 2 weeks to work it out. ever since then have never done it again, we had our kids and i been doing my best. but i could tell that she wasnt the same. i cant force her to love me thats for sure. she wants to be with me for the person i am and the only thing left is her to fall back in love with me. i dont think she ll sleep with someone else in the meantime. she d rather divorce me first and then do whatever. i know a couple guys made a move on her but she declined them, and i know she found them attractive but she told them (i logged in her FB without her knowing) that this isnt what she will do while we are trying to figure things out . (both those guys were on this seperation period) ,, so thats why it really caught me by suprise what happen last weekend when i KNEW already she could have done it with 2 others before hand. its just all confusing.


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

nick23 said:


> she really got hurt catching me the firts time still doing the webcam stuff and then the 2nd time a month or so after it torn her. and took us 2 weeks to work it out. ever since then have never done it again, we had our kids and i been doing my best. but i could tell that she wasnt the same. i cant force her to love me thats for sure. she wants to be with me for the person i am and the only thing left is her to fall back in love with me. i dont think she ll sleep with someone else in the meantime. she d rather divorce me first and then do whatever. i know a couple guys made a move on her but she declined them, and i know she found them attractive but she told them (i logged in her FB without her knowing) that this isnt what she will do while we are trying to figure things out . (both those guys were on this seperation period) ,, so thats why it really caught me by suprise what happen last weekend when i KNEW already she could have done it with 2 others before hand. its just all confusing.


i did humilate her at the club in front of others with how jealous i got and then not letting her leave with her friend coz she was drunk. had i not done that this wouldnt have happened she said, and that i do believe. so im sure alcohol was a factor too, but still not an excuse


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

nick23 said:


> *a month ago she decided that we go on a seperation but still me staying in the house for our kids*.we had sex a couple times and that kinda confuses things but what happen last week was w*e went out with other friends*, i saw a guy grabbing her and went to his friend and told him nicely to tell him that i dont appreciate that (they knew we are seperated) and then *she got all mad* when the other idiot told her, she left the place drunk i didnt want to leave her alone, she kept yelling at me to let her go to her friends while we had our car there, i told her just let me drive you home and she left with a cab, or thats what i thought.
> 
> seems that she got out of the cab and the other 2 guys (1 the friend of mine) gave her a ride. then she texted around 4.30 am the other guy if he d want to have sex with her. and ofcourse he did. she didnt tell me anything about it, but i had a gut feeeling and 2 days later went through her texts and saw she texted her girlfriend and told her about it*. i went nuts and she said shes only sorry for me finding it out. shes not sorry that she felt having sex with that guy*


You guys are separated so start acting like it. 

If she wants out, tell her to leave the house. 

Why are you still hanging out together and going to clubs? Separated people don't do that.

Look, as much as it hurts, in her mind it is over. So you need to follow suit and stop acting like how you are. She wants to party and get drunk and laid by random dudes? Let her. That is her choice. You guys are separated. 

So take the steps in order to make the separation a formality and carry on with your life.

NEVER EVER beg someone to stay with you. She told you straight up she's not sorry and she wants a separation.

You need to believe her.

You acting jealous and lashing out and hanging out with her is only going to push her farther away from you.

So do a 180. She wants out? Bid her well and start doing YOU.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

nick23 said:


> i did humilate her at the club in front of others with how jealous i got and then not letting her leave with her friend coz she was drunk. had i not done that this wouldnt have happened she said, and that i do believe. so im sure alcohol was a factor too, but still not an excuse


OK you're obviously willing to take all the blame here so there's nothing I can advise you that you're going to hear.

What exactly do you mean by 'webcam stuff'? If she feels you cheated and you guys didn't work through it productively, then your marriage was already toast before she did this. She is probably wanting a divorce but doesn't want to say so for whatever reason.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and for the love of everything good, stop sleeping with this woman.


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> OK you're obviously willing to take all the blame here so there's nothing I can advise you that you're going to hear.
> 
> What exactly do you mean by 'webcam stuff'? If she feels you cheated and you guys didn't work through it productively, then your marriage was already toast before she did this. She is probably wanting a divorce but doesn't want to say so for whatever reason.


paying for live porn , web sex whatever its called. she does feel i cheated back then, and i lied thats the truth. she kept asking me if i did i told her no i ve stopped and got caught twice.


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> You guys are separated so start acting like it.
> 
> If she wants out, tell her to leave the house.
> 
> ...


im a resident DJ at a club that everyone goes and all mutual friends so we said since we ll be there might as well go together to drive 1 car. having sex during the seperation got things confusing thats for sure.

yes the jealous and lash out part you are right was wrong and it did push her away and everything else that happen.

i kinda cant ask her to leave if she wants out as its her house i moved in after we got married. but thats the least. we trying to give it a lost shot for the kids. and all i was trying to ask advice for is how can you make someone fall back in love with you. coz she does love me. she does all this little things here and there couples are in love do. but when it comes to sex, thats the problem, she doesnt enjoy it with me coz theres no passion. so thats what i was trying to see how can i fix?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

nick23 said:


> we trying to give it a lost shot for the kids.



No. YOU are trying to give it a last shot. She's not. She told you straight up she is done and she wants a separation. The problem is, for some reason, you don't believe her. 



nick23 said:


> and all i was trying to ask advice for is how can you make someone fall back in love with you.



You can't. You can't make anyone do or think anything that they don't want to. It has to come from within. You can't nice her into staying with you. She has to WANT it. And right now, she doesn't. And the sooner you accept this reality and stop saying she "is in love with you" then the better off you will be?

It's her house? Cool. Bounce. 

She is showing you over and over again that she DOES NOT want to be with you. 

You want to believe the situation is something other than it is which is beacuse YOU are still in love with her but she does not feel the same way.

It hurts like a motherfckr and that's the truth but the thing is: you need to let her go. Clinging for dear life is not the answer. It is only going to turn her off more and is in no benefit to you or the kids.

You say she wants to separate but "live together for the kids." What kind of deal is that? So you will go along with her because that is what SHE wants? What about YOU?

You have shown her you are willing to accept any little tiny scrap she throws at you, in order to be with her. NOT attractive.

Stand up for yourself and tell her "If you want a separation, I will respect that even if it's not what I agree with, but I will not continue to live with you under these circumstances."

You going to stand up for yourself or are you going to let her keep walking all over you?

A woman in love who is trying to repair her marriage does not get sh!tfaced drunk and let other men grab her bum and text them at early morning hours about sex. A woman in love doesn't tell you she is NOT sorry for that. 

So do you want to believe the fantasy in your mind about the situation? Or are you going to get real and see this situation for what it is really is?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

nick23 said:


> paying for live porn , web sex whatever its called. she does feel i cheated back then, and i lied thats the truth. she kept asking me if i did i told her no i ve stopped and got caught twice.


My husband did that stuff, and yes, it IS cheating.

I think she checked out of the marriage after this and never checked back in.

Listen to jellybeans.


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> She is showing you over and over again that she DOES NOT want to be with you.
> 
> You want to believe the situation is something other than it is which is beacuse YOU are still in love with her but she does not feel the same way.
> 
> ...


she does not want to be with me because we always fight because theres always something. i get very jealous (she is very goodlooking) so its tough to just sit there and watch guys hitting on her and say nothing, always been an issue and she hates that i dont just let her shut them down, which she has done multiple times.

she is proud to be with me, she keeps telling her friends (i know her FB pass so i keep checking) that she wont find anyone better, that she loves me and wants to be with me so we can be a happy family with the kids but she needs to fall back in love with me, she is 30 and not dead inside so needs to love and have passion again , thats what she says to them (and to me) long story short. i been all over her stuff for a while. she hasnt cheated before. she had many oportunities. 

and you are right and thats what i sort of told her. im not doing seperation anymore. i wont live that in a house. we either are together and none of this happens again or we call it over. and she said that she is ok with that. 

she Is sorry things went this way and this happend. she said that.shes very sorry she hurt me. the only thing shes not sorry for is that she finally figured that it wasnt her hormones all this time and she actually had that passion after this long and its something with us. and she is willing to try to work it out so we can figure what has happened. she wants to repair the marriage if it can be repaired, but for the time being shes no IN love with me. 

so thats my whole issue. and from what you guys say pretty much, that cant happen.


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## nick23 (Jun 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I think she checked out of the marriage after this and never checked back in.


thats what i think too. she was never the same. but wanted to work things out and back then we didnt even have kids. so it wasnt for them. she does love me and wants to be with me. she could have left then. now we have 2 kids, she doesnt want to quit but she doesnt want the "dead inside feeling" shes been having the past couple years. maybe because she s out of work it gets into her nerves? she was accepted for law school and never went coz of back 2 back babies. she was great with marketing and real estate. good income. and hates what her life become, not our family, but that she cant do the carreer she wanted. and i thing thats another major issue , with my temper sometimes and jealousy.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

She will run over you for the rest of your life unless you get away from her. This is not going to end well, trust me!

Look, I do not know why wives with children and a husband go CRAZY, but they just DO! Don't blame yourself or your bedroom skills or your job or whatever! Don't do it! Just look at the facts, not love, not "but your married and have kids at home". Just the facts. You do not need to put up with this BS. You do not need to put up with this DISRESPECT!

I am sorry that this has happened to you but your marriage is over. File for divorce, work thru the pain, and start a new life. God Bless David


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think Jellybeans covered EVERYTHING, you need to listen to his advice and follow it.

Your wife does not love you and she never will again. I know this sucks but it is the truth. I had the same problem but there was not a TAM there for me twenty five years ago.


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