# Guy who wants to connect emotionally?



## razzled (Aug 11, 2009)

That's right...I'm just like many of the husbands I read about in this forum who have never been able to connect emotionally. I read these posts about women trying to connect with their husbands and think "that's exactly what my wife has said to me 1000 times"!

So here's the short version of the story. I've been married almost 20 years. My wife and I have had too-numerous-to-count conversations, arguments, and outright fights about my emotional distance, my constant defensiveness, my manipulations to avoid difficult or emotional discussions, and my inability to lighten up and just enjoy the "here and now". 

In an attempt to improve things, I've been in therapy off and on over the last 15 years. First trying to understand what was going on with me, then working through unprocessed grief from my mother's death when I was 18, and now trying to learn how to recognize and honestly communicate my feelings. 

I've learned skills for listening and not responding with solutions. I can respond with "Wow, that sucks. You must feel like crap" instead of "What's the big deal? Just stay away from her". I've learned to say "I'm feeling ______ today" or "You're right, I'm crabby, it's nothing to do with you". 

I've learned to let my wife be right even though I'm certain she's wrong because it doesn't really matter whether peanut butter is 50% fat or 25% fat, or whether Florida or Texas was the 2009 "fattest" state. I've also learned to say "I was wrong, you were right" at least 70% of the time when it's true. 

So, you'd be saying by now, what's the problem? It's this: despite all learning these skills, I often don't feel in touch emotionally with my wife or my kids. 

I find myself watching my life go by at a distance, always holding back, never fully committing myself emotionally. When I have a yearning to engage, it often comes with tears or a desire to cry - something I'm not comfortable doing with my kids - especially when it's not the kind of activity that brings tears to dad's eyes. My wife tells me constantly that I look uncomfortable or like I'm walking on eggshells. When I try to "let loose", I typically end up acting stupid and my wife and kids look at me like I'm some kind of fool.

I feel like I've read all the books, learned all the skills, but now must face the heart of the matter - learning to open up, feel the moment, express myself in reaction to what's going on - but *I don't know where to start*. It's so uncomfortable and foreign to me that I just stop like a deer in the headlights. 

Any suggestions on how to cross this divide and start to connect emotionally to those around me?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

razzled said:


> Any suggestions on how to cross this divide and start to connect emotionally to those around me?


depends on what the people around you are like. 
you can't assume if you do everything right things will fall into place.
guess it would help if you got to know them emotionally by asking questions about them and their feelings to start with...


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

First I want to say that I think it’s great that you’re going to such lengths to try and improve this area of your life, this is huge and you’ve made a lot of progress so far. 

As to your question, I think starting with asking questions is a good idea. I also think you need to bite the bullet and put yourself out there. You can’t forge that connection if you don’t. Say what you’re thinking and feeling without holding back. There’s no easy way to do it and you’re always going to risk looking a fool but it’s just the way it is. I guarantee that at some point in their lives everyone starts with the same insecurities you do about putting yourself out there, it’s a matter of getting past the insecurities. Your wife and kids love you for who you are and if you make a foolish comment once in a while it is not going to change their love for you. When you feel that discomfort coming on, do exactly what you’re feeling uncomfortable about (within reason of course). Whether it’s chiming in on why you like vegetables or if it’s telling your kids that you made a mistake. If it feels uncomfortable, do it. Eventually, after enough times it won’t feel so uncomfortable anymore. 

Think about your kids and use them for motivation if it helps. By holding back around them you’re teaching them that it’s the proper way to behave emotionally. So instead of letting them see you cry and thinking that it’s okay to cry, they’re seeing you hold back and battle with yourself and thinking that’s the way to handle things.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

"Naked Intimacy : How to Increase True Openness in Your Relationship" is a great book exploring how to open up, the dangers in doing so, but also the rewards.

And yeah, it is frightening. Very, very frightening.


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## razzled (Aug 11, 2009)

Thanks for the thoughts and encouragement. All of them are good. Intellectually, I realize it's a matter of just taking the leap and putting myself out there. Emotionally, I'd rather keep it all inside, but that's what got me here to begin with. I'll give you a report in a few weeks.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good for you! Wow you are really trying and I have to give it to you. Many people would run for the hills.

My H is like you. This is what I've come to understand. I believe that people have an emotional capacity sort of like an IQ. It can be built upon and skills learned like with any IQ. Like the reg. IQ you have a capacity or level at which you were born with-You may be an Einstein or a person with mental retardation...usually we are in the spectrum.

I believe that some are more gifted emotionally and some...not so much. Anyway, suppose you recognize the gifts that you have and use what you have learned. After 15 years of working on this...just keep practicing what you've learned (you already are) and know that you are OK like you are!


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## razzled (Aug 11, 2009)

Time for an update and another question...It's been 2 months since I created this thread. I think I've made progress connecting better with my family emotionally. I've stopped filtering so much what I'm thinking and try to just put my thoughts/feelings out there without worrying about the reaction. I feel more confident about my ability to express myself honestly and directly. 

However, it doesn't appear to have helped my marriage at all. In fact, it seems like things are getting worse. My spouse is often distant from me, frequently ignores me, occasionally a downright *****....when we talk about it, she acknowledges that she no longer trusts me due to my past inability to communicate emotions clearly and my finely honed skills at trying to avoid confrontation. (Keep in mind I've been married for 18 years and much of this has been building for some time - not just the last 2 months.) 

Lately, acknowledging that I have partial responsibility for this mess, I've been trying very hard to always be respectful, to listen, not react, admit mistakes when appropriate, and be open/honest about my thoughts/feelings. However, that seems to have made it worse in that it appears that she waits for the smallest indiscretion on my part like a poorly timed joke at her expense or a moment of unclear communication, and then she pounces on it and blows it into a big deal to the point you'd thought I just told her about an affair. I try to stay calm and provide my perspective, but pretty quickly, she completely shuts down and tells me to stay away from her removing any chance of quick resolution. The next day, instead of getting an apology from her, I get a lecture about how she's justified in feeling that I'm an *******. 

Divorce is not an option for our family in any aspect, however, I find myself thinking about it every time this happens. I can't stand living with someone who so often openly dislikes me and leaves me walking on eggshells. We've tried counseling before, but she doesn't want to do that again because she says it's always apparent in these sessions that I have a problem communicating my emotions - something the therapist has focused on in the past. I want it to work and have been steadily progressing on cleaning up "my side of the street". I know that I need to be patient, but it's so difficult to feel like the door mat without any acknowledgment or subsequent apology. 

To be fair to my spouse and provide some details that may be pertinent, she's 55 yrs old (I'm 45). She has a leg injury that she sustained in an accident 9 months ago and continues to go through physical therapy and is often in pain. She grew up on the East coast, and I in the midwest. We're as different as night and day in most respects. 

Any thoughts?


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Most people who have been dealing with certain issues for 18+ years, and then the offending individual suddenly startes to change...it causes some anger/frustration. I doubt your wife even recognizes those emotions in herself during the moment.

Just stay steady...keep doing what you are doing. Work on yourself and continue to find ways to show her how much you are trying to change FOR HER and the kids.

This is going to take time to earn (I think trust is the wrong word), but her respect back for this specific area. I am so glad you are working on this and care enough about your close relationships to continue to put for the effort. 

Good luck...


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

razzled said:


> she waits for the smallest indiscretion on my part like a poorly timed joke at her expense or a moment of unclear communication, and then she pounces on it and blows it into a big deal to the point you'd thought I just told her about an affair. I try to stay calm and provide my perspective, but pretty quickly, she completely shuts down and tells me to stay away from her removing any chance of quick resolution. The next day, instead of getting an apology from her, I get a lecture about how she's justified in feeling that I'm an *******.


I could be way off, but maybe she wants you to fight with her? have you ever gotten in an emotional fight with her? where you dont think through every thing you are going to say, you just say exactly what you are thinking? even if its going to tick her off? that to me is an emotional fight. 

If you try to stay clam and collected, it may come off that you dont care, that you are too emotionally removed to just respond. and if you are looking for a quick resolution, that could say to her that you are only interested in keeping the peace, but not in how she actually feels.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's good that you are feeling emotionally available with your W. Now, she isn't just isn't into it. Hmmm. Could it be that she harbors resentment because of the uphill battle she's had with you? Just an idea.

There is a book...I forget the name ...Nice Guy by Glover. There is a website and message board. I have a thread called the Real World here and this is when the Nice Guy pesonality was mentioned. It's interesting as my H fits into this NG profile. Holds back..doesn't want to rock the boat....avoids conflict...it's more like emotional dishonesty.

Kuddos to you for wanting to help yourself and your marriage!!


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## razzled (Aug 11, 2009)

Thanks for the thoughtful responses. 

18 yrs is a long time and I should be more patient considering the number of years it took for us to get here. 

Blanca - my wife is always telling me I'm soooo in control and how she would like me to lose control every now and then. I think you have a good point for me to consider.

Corpuswife - This is the first I heard of the NG book. I checked out the website and took the self-assessment. I think I scored the highest possible score... you definitely hit the nail on the head. 

My W and I spoke for a while tonight and emotional dishonesty continued to come up as the reason that she's so resentful of me so much of the time. She agrees that she's being b****y very often and doesn't blame me for getting mad. She just wishes I would actually say it and also stop being so defensive when she vents at me. It's an awful cycle we're in...she's resentful, I try to be nice when I don't feel like it to get her to like me, she then distrusts me more, and nothing I can say will change her mind since she doesn't believe things coming out of my mouth.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Ok most here would say I am emotional.. Well I am.. I can tell you from my perspective it's scary as hell. I think this is why most men are not emotionally connected to their wife. We go through the motions. We are the protectors. The rocks. The muscle. Everything a man should be.. Yet the wife wants to know she is the only person for you. She wants to feel that you love her. The fear is being hurt. When you truely love a women your heart is there to be stomped on. She has the power to do it. This is the problem as men we have. We are more in control and do not want to lose that power. Yet to TRUELY love somebody you have to.. You have to give her that power and let it all go.. When its going great there is nothing else like it. When its going bad it's like getting run over. Good luck with your battle it's nice to see men opening up.


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