# Need some advice...



## russo.mic (Apr 22, 2009)

Hi guys, thanks in advance for any words of wisdom I get

Me and my wife have been married for 4 years, together for 6. we were fairly young when we got married. Now, she wants a divorce.

I'm not really even sure how we got here. We had broken up and gotten seprated for a few weeks about 6 months ago. After we rejoined, things were great for quite a while! 

Very suddenly, she fell into a depression, and I'm not sure we ever really recovered afterwards. I didn't know how to handle it, and didn't know how to handle the problems in our marriage it created. 

A week ago, we got in a bad fight, and we both threw the D word around, and that was it. 3 days later, we went to our marriage counslor and talked about it, and she decided the decision was made. it's over, she wasn't sure that there is anything that can be done, and she's not sure she'll be able to fall in love with me again.

I'm don't want to divorce my wife. I want to be with her, I love her, and think that we still can be happy with each other! What can I do? is there anything? I think she has her doubts, she hasn't even lifted a finger towards actually filing for divorce after a week and some change. We still talk, tomorrow we are getting coffee to talk about arrangments at my request. Still, It's not as if there is that much to talk about.

I'm confused. Should I give up? Should I have hope? I have no idea what to do, but be pleasent and go along with it. I'm so sad, and lost...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going thru this. It does hurt! What do you fight about? From what I read between the lines, I sense you wife could be feeling a lot of stress. And perhaps she has a hard time handling it. Is this part of the problem?

For right now I believe both of you need to back off and make NO decisions. Making decisions when emotions are running high isn't a good idea. I always like to allow 3 days for average stuff and longer for really important things. Just give each other some time and space.

The counselor is a good step forward. Give that several visits before throwing in the towel. And here I go again....the wonderful book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman could be a huge help to you at this point. Get to know HOW you wife really feels love and you'll be on your way to winning her back.

Good luck to you as you travel this bumpy and lonely road.


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## russo.mic (Apr 22, 2009)

Okay,

So today me and my wife, (who wants the divorce), got together for coffee. We sat and talked about whatever for about an hour and a half or so. Light conversation.

I did at one point say "look, I'm not convinced that we should divorce, but either way, I'd like to see you still, as I miss you. And I don't need a response right now unless you want to give me one"

She didn't reply. Still after that, we went to a shirt store that she need to go to to pick up a shirt, and after we set a date to hang out on sunday. 

That was it. Am I getting my hopes up? I still think she puts up defenses. Anyone have any advice about how to show her it might be okay to lower them? 

I need to regain her trust, and I think it will be a slow process...but I'm okay with that.


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## tryingtobestrong (Apr 12, 2009)

I am so very sorry to hear you are going through this..

I am now at 10 weeks separated and still there is no communication. At least she said she wanted divorce to you. I know that sounds strange, but after a huge fight, and the "D" word NEVER coming up...my H left and I received a letter from a lawyer telling me was retained for divorce...

Since then, I too have heard nothing...he says he needs time to think...but that was 8 weeks ago..

It will be very difficult for you to try to maintain a distance...but after making some texting, e-mail mistakes myself...I can tell you that most peopl who say "back off" here in these threads are right...You are still too emotional at this point. She will still be closed up and not sure of your intentions and want distance for awhile...

So, vent here, let us know what's going on. When you want to contact her and it is literally killing you and your heart hurts so much you think you might explode...WRITE IT HERE...

I can say, at ten weeks, I have finally calmed down...I have gone to a couple counseling sessions on my own and I feel better (a little). After my first CRAZY phase of wanting to contact him and tell him I still love him (backfired)...I went through a phase of not wanting to leave the house, not wanting to discuss anything with family and friends...but I snapped out of that about 2 weeks ago and realized I needed to get out, snap out of it for my kids, and after doing some things to make my self feel better...I feel like I can finally think about the situation with clarity..

I want my H back, but I am finally at a place where I am ready to here that he wants a divorce. You need to get to a place where you can accept that you can't control your W's decisions. Trying to is futile, trust me...

I wish you luck. My H hasn't been contacting me except for "I need my spring tires", etc. Its hard to not know what he is thinking or doing, but when he is ready to talk, I know I am finally ready too. Any earlier, and I wouldn't have been okay to hear anything I didn't want to hear. Although I still hope that things will lead to reconciliation, and I know you do too, you have to be ready to accept a different decision too...

I wish you the best....


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

I agree with what tryingtobestrong said....don't push. At least you are communicating some which is more than tryingtobestrong and I have. Mine hasn't bothered to contact me to even see how I am health wise and I was just diagnosed with cancer and disabled. He is with OW and we have no kids so no reason for him to talk with me. Just write your feelings down here and resist pushing because it will only bite you in the behind. Give the space they want.


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## russo.mic (Apr 22, 2009)

I feel you, your right. I'm just confused. I give her the space she wants. Don't call, don't drive by, dont show up at her apartment, all that stuff.

but she still seems to want to have some contact. It seems to me that if your trying to get over somebody, you don't want to hang out with them, right?

toomanytears, I'm sorry for your cancer diagnosis. Be strong!


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## russo.mic (Apr 22, 2009)

So, Right now, my ex is hanging out at my new place, 'using the internet' for work. I'm so confused. We went to dinner tonight. I told her that I didn't want to divorce. she said that she found that hard to believe because I'm VERY CASUALLY seeing someone else. 

Why does she care? does she want me back? is she just unable to admit it? i'm so confused. I hate these mixed signals.

I really do want her back. And it's taking alot to not do the thing where you convince her to stay. Which I know wouldn't do any good anyway.


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## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Thanks for your well wishes to me russo. I started treatment today. 

If you really want your wife back, it isn't a good idea to be seeing anyone else, not even casually. That is why she doesn't believe you and you won't get her back with that going on. My husband has OW now, having affair for the past few months. I don't plan to reconcile with my husband but I can tell you for sure if my sitch were different, that if my H was seeing someone at all, casual or otherwise, I wouldn't be getting back with him period.


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## russo.mic (Apr 22, 2009)

Okay, my first update in a while, but I need some info guys, now I'm really confused.

I haven't really seen my wife much in the last few weeks, only a handful of times. But we'll go out and eat, and talk, and small talk seems stiff, and weird, and the like. 

This morning, I decided to go for broke. I haven't really brought up anything heavy, just tried to keep things light and fluffy, but this morning I went to her place early, we sat down, and I told her how I felt.

I told her that I didn't think that the divorce was going to make us better people, address the problems that led to us being her in and of ourselves, and that it certainly wasn't going to make us happier. 

I told her I was only telling her how I felt, and not expecting a reply or anything in return. And I wasn't trying to convince her of anything, as I know she'd made up her mind, And I had to respect her decision. After that, she said she was going to call me tonight anyway, and asked If I wanted to get together and do something. We had our first 'real' conversation in months, like not strained, and she said that she would call me after she got done eating with her parents tonight. 

Should I be hopeful? all of our wedding photos are hanging up at our apartment! I actually told her about a month ago that she was going to have to proceed with the divorce herself, as I didn't want it. She hasn't lifted a finger to move towards it...She didn't shoot me down, I feel like anybody that was trying to get over somebody wouldn't hang out with them...or am I just reading too much into things?

Thanks for your thoughts, sorry for the long post, but I type fast and guess I have alot on my mind.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I can't offer any advice here I can only say that I feel you on the confusion. I have a court date for our divorce on the 25th of June (yes very soon) and the last time I slept w/my H was 2 weeks ago. AGH! I'm so confused really. 

All I can say is try to stay honest w/your expectations from each other.


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