# Wife convinced herself problems b4 marriage



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

How do you respond to a wife's belief that the "big issue" seems to be that there were problems before her affair. There really wasn't. She was depressed before the affair, but after she got caught said she finally realized that it's because the marriage was terrible for the last several years. WTF??? She just seems to be downplaying her affair. How do you respond to this without creating a full blown argument?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You don't respond at all.

I know that sounds difficult and "not fair" but...don't respond. She's trying to start a fight to justify her affair or for her to leave.

Just don't say anything. If anything, agree with her.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

There are two possibilities here. 

1) your wife is blameshifting and rewriting your marriage history to justify the affair, or

2) there were problems in the marriage that were unbeknownst to you, but very known to her.

Likely, there is a bit of both going on. You need to ask her very specifically what she felt was wrong with the marriage. Her answer, if you really think about it honestly, may reveal legitimate problems that you were oblivious to. 

That doesn't, however, justify what she's done.


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## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

There were problems before the affair. She, at least, was unhappy and you didn't recognize it. At the very least, you felt you were married to someone who was depressed. If you don't agree on the existence of the problem or the definition of the problem, then that at least is one of the problems.

That doesn't mean in any way that the affair was warranted. You both own 50% of the marriage. She owns 100% of the affair.

But, if you don't learn to understand each other's view of the marriage as legitimate, even if you disagree, then you are unlikely to reconcile.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You don't respond at all.
> 
> I know that sounds difficult and "not fair" but...don't respond. She's trying to start a fight to justify her affair or for her to leave.
> 
> Just don't say anything. If anything, agree with her.


This.

One big tool for defusing fights is to agree with anything they say. It takes the wind out of their sails and they end up back-pedaling once they realize you are not fighting back. They NEED to fight in order to convince themselves you are a bad person deserving to be cheated on.

It's all about her emotions and no amount of rationalizing is going to help. 

If she says this is all your fault say "I can see why you would say that, I haven't been the best husband and maybe we should just get a divorce so we both can find someone else that will make us happy." You'll be shocked how she will take that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You dont "convince" her. Her truth and beliefs are her own.

Every cheater and/o rwayward rewrites history. A cheating spouse will do this in order to justify why they did what they did, instead of fully owning it.

Until she can own it and accept she made a choice despite what was happening in your marriage (good or bad), you face an uphill battle. 

Also, her downplaying the affair is not good. Talk to her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Yes, there are problems in the marriage

Yes, they need to be addressed

BUT

The affair needs to be addressed first and foremost

Imagine you break your leg in a fall, you go into shock and as a result you have a heart attack. When the ambulance gets you to the hospital, the doctors treat the heart attack first and when that is stabilized they treat your leg. The leg certainly needed repair, it can't be ignored but the heart attack was more life threatening.

The affair is a heart attack, the problems in your marriage are a broken leg, the marriage is your life

Treat the heart attack/affair first (establish NC, admit fault and be truly remorseful, etc) then move onto the broken leg/marital problems.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMO affairs are a byproduct of a problematic marriage.
Sorry your wife wasn't strong enough to confront them and call you on them, but instead took the easy way out and had an affair.

She's weak, and you may be blind, but the issue is why was she so unhappy, solve that and prevent another affair.

If your marriage was so good then the both of you will not learn from her affair, and it will happen again b/c the unhealthy behaviors the both of you have will continue.

Even if you leave her is it possible your next relationship will end the same way b/c your next chick will also be unhappy? Just something to look at with in your self before you move on with or with out her.

Make no mistake I do not justiy cheating but the fact that we as BS need to better our selve before we can better our relationships.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

all marriages have problems
some worse than others
but I can't think of one problem good enough that's reason to cheat


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Lies and excuses is all you get in the beginning...hang tough and do not back down...eventually she'll give you some truth....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> How do you respond to a wife's belief that the "big issue" seems to be that there were problems before her affair. There really wasn't. She was depressed before the affair, but after she got caught said she finally realized that it's because the marriage was terrible for the last several years. WTF??? She just seems to be downplaying her affair. How do you respond to this without creating a full blown argument?


It's part of the cheaters script that they re-write the marital history so they can justify the affair to themselves. The fact that she is still doing this shows she is nowhere near ready for R and is not owning up to her part in the affair. There really is no way to bring this up with it blowing up into an arguement because she is NOT REMORSEFUL AT ALL.

The question is why are you not letting her go? She's freaking living in another state with her cousin, going on naked bike rides in her panties, and she refuses to come home because she supposedly needs more time to "process". 

Houstondad, is she still living in her cousins house or has she come home yet? She's not remorseful and doesn't deserve the gift of R that you are offering her if she's still blameshifting and re-writing the marital history.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

:iagree:

It's amazing how they can re-write everything. They point out all you did wrong in the marriage, but somehow forget everything they did wrong in the marriage. No one is perfect. It did take 2 to get the marriage to the point of an affair. However, it does seem like they all (or at least most) only point out the faults of the BS in getting the marriage to that point.

The decision to have the affair is 100% on the cheating spouse, regardless of the situation in the marriage. There were many other paths that could have been taken.

Read the post on "just let them go." It is a very liberating experience when you get to that point of just letting them go. I took much longer than most to get to that point. I've talked to several that pointed out once the BS finally makes that decision, the cheating spouse often comes back begging for reconciliation. Somehow, "letting go" changes the whole ballgame for both the BS and the cheating spouse. I highly recommend it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I to agree there is the rewriting of history and down playing the affair. Yes its a script all cheater say. In addition one can't deny the fact that ones spouse cheats for a reason. 
They make the the choice to cheat so it's not the BS fault whats so ever but if a marriage is to R then both spouses need to look at why and what to do to prevent it again.

What sucks is most DS are still in the fog when confronted, and many stay there for a long time. For now making the affair as uncomfortable and as inconvienent as possible to continue is the first and formost. Once the OM is out of the picture and both parties want to work it out then both need to come to terms with the problematic marriage that caused the affair.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> IMO affairs are a byproduct of a problematic marriage.
> Sorry your wife wasn't strong enough to confront them and call you on them, but instead took the easy way out and had an affair.


I disagree. Affairs happen in good marriages too. All it takes is for the WS to have weak boundaries, or they enjoy the ego stroking, that they fall down the *slippery slope*.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good point L-
Can it be said that the marriage didn't have boundries, or one didn't stroke the other spouses ego b/c the DS didn't communicated the need for it, of they did the LS didn't listen. 

I'm not even disagreeing with your point, just that there are different perspctive that should be looked at when people come her for support or direction. Information that a troupled spouse can look over and figure out whats best for them. 

If you know what I mean? 


The thing is my marriage wasn't perfect by any means so thats one perspective. Other can have a perfect marriage and infidelity can still get its evil crip...it just rare IMO.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> Good point L-
> Can it be said that the marriage didn't have boundries, or one didn't stroke the other spouses ego b/c the DS didn't communicated the need for it, of they did the LS didn't listen.
> 
> I'm not even disagreeing with your point, just that there are different perspctive that should be looked at when people come her for support or direction. Information that a troupled spouse can look over and figure out whats best for them.
> ...


I know what you mean. Its just that I've read enough stories to realize that not all affairs happen because of troubles in the marriage. Lets face it, we're all human, and we all like to receive compliments. We all like to have our ego stroked once in a while. Some have that need more than others. Some men and women have a need to prove they are still desirable to the opposite sex, even though their own loyal spouse is doing everything right at home. That's one of Dr Huizenga's 7 types of affairs. 

Type of Affairs

While I do agree that affairs happen in problematic marriages, they also happen in good marriages. Sometimes, it really is all about the cheater. One example is like mine, the facebook reconnection with a lost love. It all starts out so innocently, just catching up, then the compliments start coming, then the flirting, etc. All the old feelings come rushing back. Its a slippery slope. And more and more of these EAs that lead to PAs are becoming more and more common nowadays.


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