# Emotional affair...



## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Yes, I had an emotional affair. Not proud of it, but I am not going to deny it. I really wanted to open up with you. You are the only ones I am sharing it with. I am still struggling to get over it. Not easy, but I have to let it go, and not because of my marriage. I don’t care about my marriage, I already told you what’s wrong in my husband. Had been like this for years. I don’t love him, never did. I just liked him at first and cared about him, and worked hard to make it work. He didn’t make it easy with the abuse and his addictions. 
I never thought I would fall for this person. I worked with him. He is younger, years younger, single, and very handsome. It was easy to talk to him, and I believe he found it easy too to talk to me. I would share with him anything, not about my relationship with my hubby. At that time I had no feeling for him yet. I just liked him like every other coworker. Once I had feelings for him , I stopped sharing my problems with him. Our discussions were mostly work related. I think it was him who “changed” first. He went on vacation for 3 weeks and I didn’t miss him, so I knew I had no feeling for him at that time. Everything changed when he came back. He acted differently. Was giving me more attention. Wanted to be more around me and I am not going to deny, I enjoyed his company. Always had, but now was different. I was having a huge crush on him without even realizing it at first. First time since I got married. He is the oppositte of my husband, very calm. I love this quality in a man.
We don’t text each other. He is not into texting, but he was so nice in person. I would get really jealous when he was with another female. He enjoyed that I guess. 
I see no future with this person even though I still like him, and he is not the reason I want to divorce my hubby. I already shared with you that I have been in a bad marriage for years, since our first year actually. Struggled a lot to make it work, and finally I feel drained. I am done. This crush I had on him made me realize I don’t have to live in an unhappy marriage. I gave up on myself years ago. I thought this was my destiny and have to deal with it for the rest of my life. He gave me hope that life can get better. Never cheated before that. Actually I didn’t even know what emotional affair was. Now I feel bad knowing that is called cheating. There was no physical cheating , not even friendly hugs.
We don’t work together anymore. He left and haven’t seen him since then. He Found a better job, better position. He asked me to go with him, to apply where he was going to work, but I don’t want to. It hurts to be around him. I still have feelings for him. I realized he doesn’t want me, he just wants me around him, enjoys my company, my attention. He doesn’t know how unhappy I am in my marriage though. He doesn’t know I want a divorce. Never told him that. Maybe that’s why he didn’t try to get any closer. Please don’t judge me, but I really had to get this out of my chest.
Any advice is appreciated.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I'm sorry you are suffering through a bad marriage.

You should just end the suffering and file for divorce IMHO.

Once this bad marriage is over, you would then be free to pursue a relationship with your former work collegue.

He might want you and is waiting for you. He also might have moved on from you and this will likely cause you some hurt. 

Maybe you should call him, tell him you're filing for a divorce, express your feelings for him, and see what his reaction is.

If you get a positive reaction, Bob's your uncle, if not, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and you'd soon be a free woman to go fishing.

JMHO.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Does your husband know you feel this way?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Does your EA partner have a SO. If they do, you need to back off. You need to focus on leaving your marriage honorably or working on your marriage and stop dipping your toe into other pools. You know the drill. I say this for a reason.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

marcy* said:


> Actually I didn’t even know what emotional affair was. Now I feel bad knowing that is called cheating. There was no physical cheating , not even friendly hugs.


Personally, I don't think it is adultery to have a friend and confidante - although it is a "slippery slope", and @aine is correct, don't play on this ground, especially if your friend has an SO. What you're doing is exactly what begins affairs for many people. They come back with the report "...it just happened...", when nothing could be farther from the truth. 



marcy* said:


> I don’t care about my marriage......... I don’t love him, never did.


@aine is also correct about "honorably". Your husband has to be told the truth. If you don't love him, and you don't care about your marriage, the honorable thing would be to get out.

I also think that physical abuse is a solid ground for divorce. The law in many places agrees.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

aine said:


> Does your EA partner have a SO. If they do, you need to back off. You need to focus on leaving your marriage honorably or working on your marriage and stop dipping your toe into other pools. You know the drill. I say this for a reason.


I don’t know but I don’t think so. He never talked about his relationships. He talked about his family, but never mentioned any other girl. He acted like he was still single. Lived on his own. I know he doesn’t have kids at least. He said that when we were talking about kids with other coworkers.
I never asked him, but from his actions, I got the feeling that there was no other girl in his life at that time. He asked me once if I was married, but at that time there was no feelings between us, at least not from me.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Does your husband know you feel this way?


He knows I am unhappy. I don’t even hide it anymore. If he complains about me, I tell him to go find someone else if he doesn’t like how I am, I am not going to change.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

ah_sorandy said:


> I'm sorry you are suffering through a bad marriage.
> 
> You should just end the suffering and file for divorce IMHO.
> 
> ...


I know he likes me even though he never said it, I like him too, but I feel like I am not the one for him even if I divorce my husband. He is younger as I said, 32, probably wants his own family, kids. 
I am done with having kids. That’s why I see no future with him, because I know he wants more than just a partner, or a girlfriend. I would love to remain good friends with him, but I don’t think that’s possible.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

TJW said:


> Personally, I don't think it is adultery to have a friend and confidante - although it is a "slippery slope", and @aine is correct, don't play on this ground, especially if your friend has an SO. What you're doing is exactly what begins affairs for many people. They come back with the report "...it just happened...", when nothing could be farther from the truth.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I can’t tell my hubby since there is nothing going on. I can’t deny my feelings, but why tell him when I am trying to forget my crush?
Also, I can’t tell him not because I am afraid of getting divorced, I want a divorce. I am scared of his reaction. He has threatened to hurt me about stupid things. He has asked me to leave the house for stupid things. Like he will start an argument why internet is not working, and from there he will be talking about me not being a good wife, a good mother, e blahblah, and later he will ask me to leave the house because he is done with me. That’s all it takes for him to talk about divorce. These situation have become very “normal” . The worse part he doesn’t care if kids are listening, all he cares is his feelings.
And telling him that I have feelings for someone else, oh boy! . He can’t control his emotions. Being
called names, being yelled and screamed in front of the kids, some
physical abuse probably are the least I fear, you never know how far he may go, and the worse I fear is him going after my former coworker. He will not let it go easily. He will go after him for sure.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

Well having any type of affair doesn’t help if you fear for your safety as you mentioned in your other post. You need to be all in or all out. Playing with the feelings of others is what drives people insane. You really need to talk to your husband, but if you’re currently going through physical abuse, you should get out now, especially if you have children.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So what are you waiting for? A printed invitation from the Divorce Fairy?

Be *done* with his abusive ass already. How many years have you already wasted on him?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not going to magically improve. Likely he will get worse because that’s what abusers do. In the meantime, this is a very toxic situation for your children.

What’s your plan?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So what are you waiting for? A printed invitation from the Divorce Fairy?
> 
> Be *done* with his abusive ass already. How many years have you already wasted on him?


I feel so trapped. Kids make it harder even though they are one of the reasons I want a divorce. He is not a good father either. There are many things I worry about besides abuse, overthinking is making me stay in this marriage. I even hate myself when I worry about how divorcing him is going to hurt his parents. They respect me. If I complained about him, they will be on my side. His mom is very sick right now and the last think I want for her is to worry about us. If I leave him and something happens to her, my hubby will blame me for causing it for the rest of my life. That’s how he is. Once he broke his hand while at work and blamed it on me, because I wanted to stay at my job because of health insurance and he didn’t he wanted me to quit it becsuse he didn’t want to take care if his 2 year old son when he came tired from work, and “I made this accident happen”, yeah, as stupid as it sounds, he still blames me for breaking his hand. 🤦‍♀️ I used to talk to his parents and I stopped. He yelled at me, “ Leave my mom alone, you are making her sick” I stopped. They probably wonder why I never call them. I rather have them be upset with me than deal with his drama.
I am waiting for the right moment, but I know there will never be one. Lucky for him I never had a good paying job to support myself and my kids on my own. He has had good jobs but he us bad with money. Everytime I had to save money, I had to use them to cover his expenses. Now I am trying to save money, from my paycheck.
I feel so trapped and hopeless... I have no family here, no one. My family supports me but they all live overseas


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

marcy* said:


> I can’t tell my hubby since there is nothing going on. I can’t deny my feelings, but why tell him when I am trying to forget my crush?
> Also, I can’t tell him not because I am afraid of getting divorced, I want a divorce. I am scared of his reaction. He has threatened to hurt me about stupid things. He has asked me to leave the house for stupid things. Like he will start an argument why internet is not working, and from there he will be talking about me not being a good wife, a good mother, e blahblah, and later he will ask me to leave the house because he is done with me. That’s all it takes for him to talk about divorce. These situation have become very “normal” . The worse part he doesn’t care if kids are listening, all he cares is his feelings.
> And telling him that I have feelings for someone else, oh boy! . He can’t control his emotions. Being
> called names, being yelled and screamed in front of the kids, some
> physical abuse probably are the least I fear, you never know how far he may go, and the worse I fear is him going after my former coworker. He will not let it go easily. He will go after him for sure.


I understand the fear you are feeling, but what is YOUR PLAN for your future...?? I missed any other threads you've written, so I'm not sure if you've already posted an answer to that, but I think it's important.

First of all, stop saying/thinking you "cheated", because you weren't even close. You seem to have a great grasp of boundaries and consequences, and you backed off before anything crossed any line. Also, OF COURSE you would be attracted to someone who gave you positive attention, that's because there is NOTHING for you in your marriage, and you are HUMAN. You did NOTHING wrong!

Second of all, the only way to get over the feelings you are having about your former co-worker is to go through them. There is NO magic bullet to turn off our emotions to people who touch our hearts. Time and distance will help. I think what you are struggling with the most is that your attraction to him has shined a spotlight onto what you long to have in your life, and to possibilities that you cannot explore because you feel stuck in an unhappy marriage. I'm sure you feel more hopeless and lonely now than before, and that's a terrible feeling to have clinging to your neck.

The GOOD NEWS is that YOU have choices in all this!!! YOU CAN LEAVE - it might seem impossible right now, but it's NOT...you just need to come up with a plan, and work things out that get in the way of your goal.

YOU DESERVE to be happy. YOU DESERVE to be loved!! YOU DESERVE TO LEAVE!!!!
What do you need to do to make that happen...??


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Openminded said:


> He’s not going to magically improve. Likely he will get worse because that’s what abusers do. In the meantime, this is a very toxic situation for your children.
> 
> What’s your plan?


I don’t want to stay in this marriage even if he changes 100% . I don’t love him. I want out..


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

LisaDiane said:


> I understand the fear you are feeling, but what is YOUR PLAN for your future...?? I missed any other threads you've written, so I'm not sure if you've already posted an answer to that, but I think it's important.
> 
> First of all, stop saying/thinking you "cheated", because you weren't even close. You seem to have a great grasp of boundaries and consequences, and you backed off before anything crossed any line. Also, OF COURSE you would be attracted to someone who gave you positive attention, that's because there is NOTHING for you in your marriage, and you are HUMAN. You did NOTHING wrong!
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind words.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

marcy* said:


> I don’t want to stay in this marriage even if he changes 100% . I don’t love him. I want out..


He’s abusive. How do you plan to get out?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Openminded said:


> He’s abusive. How do you plan to get out?


That’s a good question. The problem is that I felt like I was safer married to him than divorced. I feel like he is going to become more abusive with me and even kids if I divorce him. That’s why I stayed in this unhappy marriage. My plan is to make some money, enough to be able to support myself for awhile without his help, and meanwhile I am working on getting a better job. I already have teo jobs, the second one is less hours but mostly for experience to help me find the job I want. This is the only solution I see for now.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Save and find another job. Work for it. Get to it.

You deserve better. Be strong.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Talk with a lawyer. See what you are entitled to. One of my sisters was in a situation similar to yours. She was able to get her college paid for along with spousal support until a year after she finished college.


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

marcy* said:


> That’s a good question. The problem is that I felt like I was safer married to him than divorced. I feel like he is going to become more abusive with me and even kids if I divorce him. That’s why I stayed in this unhappy marriage. My plan is to make some money, enough to be able to support myself for awhile without his help, and meanwhile I am working on getting a better job. I already have teo jobs, the second one is less hours but mostly for experience to help me find the job I want. This is the only solution I see for now.


Wow... I'm sorry you are here. This post has started as an emotional affair and it has just developed to something much more serious than that. First of all get a good lawyer. I think you will need one once you start the divorce process. Second if you are truly scared of his reactions don't give him the news about divorce by yourself. Find some support. Tell a close friend or family about his behaviour and your concerns. Don't go through this alone. You need someone by your side and by your kids side. Stay strong


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

marcy* said:


> That’s a good question. The problem is that I felt like I was safer married to him than divorced. I feel like he is going to become more abusive with me and even kids if I divorce him. That’s why I stayed in this unhappy marriage. My plan is to make some money, enough to be able to support myself for awhile without his help, and meanwhile I am working on getting a better job. I already have teo jobs, the second one is less hours but mostly for experience to help me find the job I want. This is the only solution I see for now.


Are you still living together?


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> Are you still living together?


Yes, and he doesn’t even know I want a divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

marcy* said:


> I can’t tell my hubby since there is nothing going on. I can’t deny my feelings, but why tell him when I am trying to forget my crush?
> Also, I can’t tell him not because I am afraid of getting divorced, I want a divorce. I am scared of his reaction. He has threatened to hurt me about stupid things. He has asked me to leave the house for stupid things. Like he will start an argument why internet is not working, and from there he will be talking about me not being a good wife, a good mother, e blahblah, and later he will ask me to leave the house because he is done with me. That’s all it takes for him to talk about divorce. These situation have become very “normal” . The worse part he doesn’t care if kids are listening, all he cares is his feelings.
> And telling him that I have feelings for someone else, oh boy! . He can’t control his emotions. Being
> called names, being yelled and screamed in front of the kids, some
> physical abuse probably are the least I fear, you never know how far he may go, and the worse I fear is him going after my former coworker. He will not let it go easily. He will go after him for sure.



Why are you not planning to escape. This environment is doing untold damage to your children. if you don't want to leave for you, leave for them, please......


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