# I'm back!



## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I was on here from oct 2012 to oct 2013. I don't think many will remember me on here. Anyway here's some background:

Married 2000
No kids
Sep 26, 2012 ILYBINILWY
Nov 24, 2012 found out about posOW
May 2013 find out posOW expecting
Jan 2014 baby born

So it's been 2.5 years since this started. I've come back because I need to let go completely. I've kind of let go but then find I'm back where I started. I know he is in crisis, with accompanying addiction, identity issues, and unresolved childhood issues and lifelong repressed emotions. 

H (yes, still married) is still with posOW but deeply unhappy. She is mega controlling, violent, abusive, and totally borderline (BPD). 

I have done a lot of work on detaching but just not enough. He lives some distance away so he is not in my face. I've not seen him for over a year and a half. I mostly just let him be and he never contacts me at all tho will return a text if it's about finances or similar. I think the problem has been that I have expectations of him changing. It's not that I'm chasing him, it s my expectations. The only time I contact him is when I need to remind him about a bill. He pays only one bill, my course fees. Our finances are separate. 

I know it sounds mad that is 2.5 years and we're not divorced. Because of his crisis, I decided to let him run with it, knowing absolutely he is not the man I married and is going through a mental crisis. 

I don't know any more how I feel about him. He has completely changed personality and is very very distant with me.i am completely different from the person he left in 2012, never mind back when we got married in 2000. I wonder if we were to meet as strangers would I want to be with him? Things to think on definitely. 

So, bring in the two by fours! :smthumbup:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Tbh, I think a part of you wants him to come running back to you so you can reject him. Of course, he might be too prideful to admit that he was wrong. Still, if the OW never came into his life, was the marriage a good one? Just curious. I am sure that if the OW never came into the picture, you had a chance if the marriage was a bad one. Sorry, new here, so I do not know your story.

I learned valueable lessons as an abuse victim, and from other case studies I did research for my professors. The people around us have a hand in who we are. Your husband is miserable because he is in an abusive relationship and he would feel shame and guilt if he would admit it to anyone. Plus, she probably teared down his self-worth, making him more dysfunctional as well.

If you two were to meet, I would say you would not be attracted to him. He has devolved with the OW, and made himself trapped. It is what it is.

Eh, the only thing to do is move on. Learn to be aware of one's own issues. Now that your relationship is over, how have you changed as a person? I also believe you want him to come back and say how mistaken he was, and what a fool he was.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not bring a 2x4...hell I'm just clad the cheateing @ss whole got hit with by the Karma bus and his Ow is beating his sorry ass.

However you need to close this chapter in your life by filing for divorce. I think it makes a statement to your self that it is finaly over. Filing for divorce might be what you need to really let this shyt go once and for all.


And from were I'm sitting your ex old man isn't doing him self any favors by getting better by being with the POSOW....the phuckers lost move on girl!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You were not forgotten. Divorce him. Why would you want to be involved with a man who has had a child with another woman while married to someone else? Even worse that someone else is you!

A better guy is out there in your future.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Hi Mr Fisty, thanks for checking in! 

Yes i admit there is a part of me that wants him to come back. But it's not healthy, I know. 

We had a good marriage until a few years prior to him leaving. He became obsessed with ageing and death, was very moody and wouldn't open up to me, also often said he didn't deserve me and I should find someone else, also would often say he didn't know who he was anymore. Sex was still ok but intimacy very low. In turn, I became depressed (mild) but didn't even realise it till much later. 

I have done a ton of work on myself and have been in therapy for the last year which has helped enormously and I am much much stronger, more confident and self-aware than ever before. I am also working towards completing my qualification to become a counsellor. H pays the fees for me. 

I know he suffers with guilt and avoids me so he doesn't have to think about what he did. Regarding the OW, I think he feels trapped and stuck as she has threatened him apparently according to SIL. 

It's time for me to completely let go. The only way I would ever let him back, would be if went in therapy and expressed full remorse. I don't see that happening. At the moment, he seems very content being completely miserable and not doing anything about it.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds like the grass isn't always greener, who cares if he is happy or not with the OW I wouldn't be. I'd be smiling on my way to the divorce lawyer to sign the divorce papers hat you got the better end of the deal and he got what he deserved for cheating on you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Chopsy said:


> Hi Mr Fisty, thanks for checking in!
> 
> Yes i admit there is a part of me that wants him to come back. But it's not healthy, I know.
> 
> ...



I am guessing he is middle-age. He freaked out, and told you things so he can escape and try new things such as relationships.

He was trying to associate more negative qualities to himself so you would leave him, and in turn, your sex life suffered as well as the intimacy. He was trying to push you away.

I am guessing OW was in the picture during his MLC, and the only way to feel guilt-free is if you found someone else to move on with. Which you should do because, what is left of his pride and ego would not allow him to say that he made that huge of a error in judgement.

The OW is insecure, so she abuses him so he would not think of doing what he did to you. The child might of have been a way to control him and keep him attached. It offers certain power over him that he is too blind to see.

As the years drag on, she will make him more and more dysfunctional. His brain is plastic afterall. She will change him mentally into someone you will not recognize, so it is probably best to move on. Even if he came back to you and apologize, he may not ever be the type of person you could be attracted to.

Plus, the Ow would always be linked to him in some ways. The child that they produced will be a constant reminder of his abandonment.

Glad that your doing better. Divorcing him might be best for you to move on. The title of his wife still has some strings of attachment to it.


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

Hey hey Chopsy.

Again no 2x4 but I have one handy if needed. Just like before hehe.

Same comments tbh.. But first a disclaimer.

This time the tone of your post is so different from how I remember. You sound stronger and more centred than before. Its good you acknowledge the progress still needed but its good to see the progress made too. Even if its slow going for you.

But.. Really is time to let go of those last ties. So what if she is a piece of **** to him. She was posow after all so not only is it no surprise but it's also a definite case of karma.

With minimal contact why does it matter?

I think you should just stop for a minute and compare Chopsy 2015 to Chopsy 2013/14. Then think.

If he did come back realising his 'mistake' what would you do? You sure as hell don't need him. I would hope you have enough self respect now to not want him. He sounds like a bigger mess than ever tbh. You would be resigning yourself to repeating the cycle if he ever wormed his way back in. Are you instead wanting the validation of him crawling back and being able to tell him to sling his hook?

It's still about him and it shouldn't be. You are worth far more than that sack of.. He should be 99.99% irrelevant to the life of Chopsy now.

Let go. It's like wondering what the water is like. Come on in, it's lovely!

Edit.. As for divorce if your waiting for him to pay for it and file etc fair enough in that it's his choice why should you pay out for it. But.. Perhaps he still after this time sees you as plan B. Mif you can scrape the money together I would totally say filing yourself is the right thing to do. Cut the ties aof be done.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Chopsy, I'm not sure what good a typewritten scolding from strangers on the internet is going to do for you.

Perhaps the absence of abuse up close and personal from your still-husband leaves you with a void, and the best way you can think to fill it is to ask strangers to speak harshly to you about your lack of movement in life.

It is obvious that you are unwell and after 2-1/2 years, you need to consider that you may not be able to get back to "well" all on your own.

Please get some therapy. A professional counselor may be able to help you start making progress.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm kind of confused by some of the comments that I need help, but I truly appreciate everyone's input. 

The only reason I have hung on as long as I have is because I know he is having a full blown mid life crisis. I have read a great deal about MLC and am very informed on how the crisis manifests and potential outcomes. 

Having said that, I have detached myself from him for a long time now and only recently feelings of expectations came up. I know I don't want him back as he is. And I am more aware now that I don't want him back ever. My standards are much much higher than they ever were before. 

I haven't filed because of the expense which I can't afford atm. I am working towards completely my qualification as a therapist and working part time as a life coach. I have been in therapy for over a year and have worked out most of my issues. 

Thank you Northern Monkey for checking in!! :toast: So chuffed to see you here! Yes I have changed dramatically from 2012 when I first registered and 2013/2014. I have made such huge progress in personal growth that I feel I am different person even from Christmas, and definitely from a few years back! :smthumbup:I'm super happy with who I am, I know who I am and love myself. I know i am worthy and have value. I am confident, and stronger than I ever knew I could be. I have healed from my marriage breakdown. I am qualifying for a career I love with one year left. 

I came on here to get some support while ridding myself of the last vestiges of attachment. Since I posted, I already feel freer. Making that statement has helped me release the last attachments.


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## deepthought (Feb 4, 2013)

really good to see your posting good stuff!
it takes time, im the same i still look back with i little tinge of sadness but thats only human. Id be more worried if i didnt!
Keep up the good work, keep moving forward and keep smiling!


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