# "I was this way when we met!" Opinions?



## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Quick background, been with my man for 13yrs, we have a young daughter, not legally married, but live as we are with the same values and such. 

Here's the thing, he is an alcoholic. He does not deny this. Yes, it is true I knew this about him when we started dating. But, to be honest he embarrasses me on the rare occasion we go out, to the point I don't want to go out with him. This is only one aspect of our life his drinking affects. When I mention his drinking, his standard reply is "I was this way when we met, why does it bother you now?" 

I was just wanting to know if anyone had any opinions on this statement. I realize I knew this about him, but I was a different person back then. I have changed through the yrs. Is this statement that I've heard several times over the yrs a substantial argument for his case, and I should just suck it up because I knew? 

Thank you in advance for any replies
Stumble


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

stumblealong said:


> Quick background, been with my man for 13yrs, we have a young daughter, not legally married, but live as we are with the same values and such.


Um, no, you do not have the same values. He is an alcoholic and his drinking has become an increasingly uncontained negative in your life together.

You thought you shared the same values, you do not.

He doesn't care what his boozing does to you and your child.

It is a convenient idiotic thing he says to you about his addiction.

What? As if you signed a contract to accept it?

I don't think so.

If you are not married, maybe you ought to consider leaving him.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

No.

You were 'in love' when you both met and it blinded you to the real problem at hand - he's probably an alcoholic.

As you've grown and matured, this is not how you want your life to be and it's not acceptable.

Doesn't matter if he was drinking when you met and it didn't bother you - it bothers you now.

My husband also drinks a lot, everyday and more than he should. His excuse is that he can stop anytime. Yes, he's stopped for a month here, a week there - but never truly stopped because he picked it up again - when you quit - it should be for good. I believe he is a functioning alcoholic, but he doesn't and nothing I have done has changed things.

Doesn't matter if he's done it for 50 years - it's no longer acceptable to you. He either addresses that, or you address what you will do in response.

I know how frustrating it is though to watch someone self-destruct and there's absolutely nothing you can do - you're entirely helpless - it's up to them. Sometimes it takes rock bottom for them to realize that.

My husband apparently has not hit rock bottom yet.


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

Let's not bash him too hard. He has a point regardless of how miniscule it may be. He did have a drinking problem when you met. The problem is, you probably didn't address it enough from the jump. There's a difference between being with someone and knowing their issues but have discussed them and how to help them over come the matter and just blatantly ignoring them because you are still infatuated with each other.

Yes, over time people change. You have been open and willing to do that. Your spouse, not so much. But he has a disease. Please do not take offense to this but you should spend less time comlaining about him and wondering what your next step should be, and more time finding ways to help him. You love him. You care about him. Believe it or not, he has that same love for you and your daughter. But he is sick.

Be strong and willing to endure what it takes. It's going to be difficult. But don't discount all of the fun and wonderful things that you guys have shared through out the years...


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

michzz said:


> Um, no, you do not have the same values. He is an alcoholic and his drinking has become an increasingly uncontained negative in your life together.
> 
> You thought you shared the same values, you do not.
> 
> ...


Hi Michzz- Thanks for your reply. The values I was talking about were that even though we are not married, we have the same 'values' as married couples do. Such as we agree to be monogamous, raise our girl, ect. Not necessarily individual values. Sorry I think I may have worded it incorrectly. 

I agree that he uses this statement as a convenient way to shut me up. Because truthfully I don't know how to respond. He claims to care because he 'gave up' the bars and that kind of life for me & our child. When in actuality he just brought the bar home. Our daughter is young so she is in bed before she see's how drunk he can get, but I do wonder about the future when she can understand. 

I know that not being married it should just be easier to just leave. But him & our girl are close and she loves him dearly. I'm afraid she will hate me for leaving. Despite his drinking, he loves her and is a good father for the most part. This I know, if we split he will manipulate her into thinking it is all my fault. When she is older she will be able to understand my point of view, but right now she will not, I'm afraid of the impact on her younger yrs.

Thanks again for your advice, I'm seriously thinking of doing what you say, just a bit chicken!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It really doesn't matter who did what before y'all married. The issue is the present and what you are prepared to live with. Some things are acceptable as a child but they're not acceptable for a husband or father.


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

The guy is sick!
Even if you want to leave him because of his drinking, he needs to know the damage that it does. Tell him. Strip it down. Be very matter of fact. Black and white. People seem to disregard as alcoholism being a disease. 
If you lay it all out very matter of fact, all cards on the table, and he still denies help, then take the steps to walk away.
But you have to give him a chance to say no to the help. You need to give him tangible evidence of his drinking and the harmful affects that it has on you and your beautiful daughter. If he is that close to her, show him the damage that he can cause. 
But he needs help...


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

To Marriedwifeinlove: A functioning alcoholic is EXACTLY what he is! He claims that because he never misses work, picks up our girl from daycare, ect. that his drinking doesn't cause a problem in our relationship. Makes me feel like an idiot for complaining. His health is deteriorating, to the point where it affects our sex life (or lack of one I should say). He also says that because he only drinks beer (12pk a day) that he is not a 'bad' alcoholic. He never drinks at work, just when he gets home. So, from about 4:00-9:00 he slams approx 12 beers, then passes out. Sorry your going through this too. It is hard to watch someone literally drink their life away.

To just_a_guy: I see your point. He does have a disease and this has been addressed so much through the yrs. He is afraid to go to doc because he thinks they are going to tell him he is dying. He said he would rather not know. I'm not a nag, believe me. He even says he loves me because I don't nag him like previous g/f he's had. I guess I feel we have concentrated on him for so long, when is it my turn? I just would like to go out to lets say a concert, and just have a good time. Well the last time that happened I got knocked over by him and ended up in some guys lap! Then this guys g/f gets all up in my face like I'm trying to take her man or something. What should of been a good time ended up being an embarrassment. This is only one example. I have plenty of others. 

Yes there have been good times and he is not a bad guy. I do think he loves me and our daughter to the point he would be crushed if we left. Then his alcoholism would only get worse. He is totally NOT willing to give up his beer, he states this as plainly as anything. AA is not an option to him because he likes his drinking and doesn't see it as a problem. 

To Pandakiss: I don't really put any restrictions on him. He is an adult and I'm having a hard enough time trying to be a mom to our girl Let's just say I was in a different place when me & him met, had a total different frame of mind back then. I changed, but I just changed back into the person I was before we met. If that makes any sense:scratchhead: I guess I just found myself again!

Thanks Everyone. I really need to see all these views, because I just kind of feel closed in right now.


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## just_a_guy (Mar 15, 2011)

You're absolutely right. At some point it does need to be about you. My wife I'm sure had that same thought a few times without coming out and saying it. I am not a drinker but I had demons of my own that took me a while to figure out. My wife is much wiser than me given we are almost 7 years apart in age. I am 27 and she is almost 7 years older. She has dealth with my immaturity in every aspect of it. One day I saw it all. And even I said, "what about you hun? Let's focus on you. We have spent so much negative energy on myself, let's put some positive back into you, us." 
Obviously my scenario is different. But in the end, I saw my wife's cry for help, though she was more blunt and straight forward with it. 
I hope that he can over come whatever it is that he is going through. I hope that your family stays in tact and moves on to more positive times. A few haave suggested it already, it might eventually come down to having to separate yourself from the situation.
Best of luck to you. I feel for you. I really do...


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

just_a_guy said:


> The guy is sick!
> Even if you want to leave him because of his drinking, he needs to know the damage that it does. Tell him. Strip it down. Be very matter of fact. Black and white. People seem to disregard as alcoholism being a disease.
> If you lay it all out very matter of fact, all cards on the table, and he still denies help, then take the steps to walk away.
> But you have to give him a chance to say no to the help. You need to give him tangible evidence of his drinking and the harmful affects that it has on you and your beautiful daughter. If he is that close to her, show him the damage that he can cause.
> But he needs help...


I agree he does need help, and he refuses to believe this is a problem. It has been laid out for him many times over. He has had 8 DUI's in his life. He has only had his license for the past 3yrs that I've known him. He had court mandated counseling, but he never quit drinking during that, and after it was over and he did his 'time' it seemed to leave his mind all that was said in these meetings. I have tired to help him, I REALLY have. He is a good guy, but he is also a guy that I feel neglected by because we never do anything together anymore because he wants to stay at home and drink. 

I am all for saving this relationship (well, most of the time) but it just gets old. I get lonely and sad. Just don't know if i can hang on for the duration.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Hey just_a_guy, I'm glad you and your wife are working on things. Relationships can be so hard. He is 10yrs older than me, yet he is the more immature one! I'm not going to give up yet, but I'm gettin tired!


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

"women marry men hoping they will change. men marry women hoping they won't."

think about sums it up. you want him to change, he wants you to continue to overlook his drinking.

i think after 13 years, unless his drinking hits rock bottom, what you see is what you get, unless you decide to move on with your life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think it's even possible for a chronic substance abuser to truly love anything other than their drug of choice. My best friend was a raging alcoholic. I ended up arresting him for 3 counts of attempted murder. He had to hit rock bottom. He spent a few years in the slam but he emerged healthy, clean, and sober and he's stayed that way since. He'd be the first to tell you that while he was a drunk, his only love and only concern was drinking. I hope your husband confronts his demons before they steal everything from him.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I hope I never have to see him hit rock bottom. I feel if I were to leave, that will be when he hits rock bottom. The only time he has ever been violent was when drinking whiskey. He has sworn that off and has not touched it in over 8yrs. He only sticks to beer, and that just makes him a stupid drunk. With beer he is just a happy go lucky dummy. It is amazing what different chemicals you put into your body, the different reactions it has. Can totally make you a different person.

Throughout the yrs he has been arrested for numerous things. The court costs and lawyer fees were crazy. He has not had problems in that area for quite awhile, but if I were to go, I'm sure he would go right back to his old ways. I don't know if I could live with the guilt of having my daughter watch her father head down that path of destruction. All I know is I seem to be getting unhappier by the day, and he just carries on as if life is grand. Really just don't know what to do.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

*sigh*

Alcoholism is incredibly damaging to those who have to live with it. 

Alcoholics = master manipulators.

Kinda like that statement he's making to you to excuse his behavior "I was like this when we met." That's a classic alcoholic's manipulation type statement. That DOES not make it ok. How many of us partied it up a bit much when we were in our early 20's - ya know college days and stuff? THEN WE GREW THE EFF UP! See, that's the difference! AND Alcoholism is progressive - so I'm sure if you think about it - you'll realize that he actually ISN'T how he was when you met him. I bet he's worse. 

Yeah, I've dealt with two alcoholics - dad and husband. They BOTH have delivered some doozy of lines like this to me over the years. I REALLY need to write a book.

Point is - you need to do what's best for YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER. Tell him he needs to get help. And it's HIS responsibility to get that help - NOT YOURS. You can be supportive while he gets it - but you CAN'T do it for him. If he won't, then you need to leave and get on with a healthier life.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

stumblealong said:


> Hi Michzz- Thanks for your reply. The values I was talking about were that even though we are not married, we have the same 'values' as married couples do. Such as we agree to be monogamous, raise our girl, ect. Not necessarily individual values. Sorry I think I may have worded it incorrectly.
> 
> I agree that he uses this statement as a convenient way to shut me up. Because truthfully I don't know how to respond. He claims to care because he 'gave up' the bars and that kind of life for me & our child. When in actuality he just brought the bar home. Our daughter is young so she is in bed before she see's how drunk he can get, but I do wonder about the future when she can understand.
> 
> ...


You might want to rethink the statement about being a good father. Good fathers do NOT manipulate their kids - for_ any_ reason. 

It sounds like he is manipulating you with the nonsense about you knowing he drank when you married him. Okay maybe marrying him without addressing the issue wasn't the best decision. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with an undesirable trait forever. 

And you are right to be concerned about the future. How are you going to talk to your daughter about the danger's of drinking if she sees her own father getting drunk in the living room? It is true that for awhile kids will do as they are told but after a certain age they will do as they see you do. How can you justify a double standard by telling your daughter not to over indulge in drinking if she sees her own father doing it? If he is truly a loving and caring father try to present it to him that way and see what his response is? 

It is to bad that your husband didn't grow and mature the same way you did. Most of us give up the bad habits of our youth as we mature or at least learn to moderate them. Obviously your husband did not.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I was this way when we met = I'm not going to change so except it, and get off my back about it.

There are people who like to drink, and will not give it up. He maybe one of those, sounds like it. They even pride themselves on their ability to drink.


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## lovesdogs (Mar 18, 2011)

Interesting to see this, because I have a similar situation but with smoking instead of drinking. My husband has been a smoker since I met him at the age of 20. In fact, I met him when I went up to him and asked him for a cigarette. I was never a real smoker, but would smoke on occasion when drinking. Anyhow, to this day when I approach him about quitting he reminds me of how we met. I quickly remind him that I wasn't about to judge him then because I never imagined that he would still be doing that 15 years later. I was drunk out of my tree that night but I hardly ever drink anymore...because I've grown up and because I have a family that I want to grow old with...a daughter that I want to see get married.

But the more important issue here is not the words that he uses on you to justify his acts, but his addiction to alcohol. Sounds like he definitely needs some help and if he isn't willing to put his family first and get some help, then I would probably be re-thinking our rel'p. It is highly unlikely that you will ever be happy if he continues drinking. I really hope that he is willing to get some help at some point.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I've been married to an alcoholic for 8.5 years, and we dated for about two years before we married.

I have heard some real gems:

"I know I have a drinking 'problem.'"

"I'm an alcoholic."

"I really need to get into detox."

Yeah, so what? I'm a blonde. ACTIONS are what you need to look at, not what he says.

An alcoholic is in denial to himself about his drinking, for the most part: "I can stop whenever I want to stop," "I can control my drinking," "I like to unwind, I enjoy drinking, so what?" Blah, blah, blah.

Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. The damage this is doing to your child is very real. I know many ACOA's (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) through my attendance in Al-Anon. Many of them end up marrying addicts. Young children are far more aware that something is wrong with an addicted parent than we realize.

He doesn't want help. Do you? How about trying some Al-Anon meetings? The people in those rooms have lived up-front and personal with the disease and can give you understanding and support. Not every meeting is great, so the only request made to newcomers is they try six meetings to see if the program is a good fit for them. 

My husband held a high-level government job, he was a meritoriously decorated Lieutenant Colonel in the Army, he has a graduate degree in engineering. An intelligent man, with a keen understanding and knowledge of what do in combat, how to build all sorts of structures ... but an alcoholic who self-destructed to the point that he eventually lost his job and trashed his marriage.

ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVE DISEASE. As the years go on, if you decide to stay, you will see it for yourself. 

Give some serious consideration to getting counseling and/or attending Al-Anon for yourself. If you can afford to move out, you may want to give that serious consideration too. I've known plenty of alcoholics who have hit very ugly bottoms. I've also known some whose bottom was six feet under. Sad, but true.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have many alcoholics in my family, so i guess when I met my man, seeing another alcoholic really didn't phase me. In truth, I was a naive 23yr old who kinda thought most men were this way. It wasn't later I noticed that not all men are heavy drinkers. 

Like 4sure said, he uses this comment to basically tell me he's not willing to even try to quit. He really thinks that because he only drinks beer, and doesn't really do anything bad, that it shouldn't have an impact on his family. He says he likes drinking, it makes him feel better. I say I would like to have a life and go out sometimes, he refuses to believe that his actions are embarrassing for me. Says I care too much about what other people think. Maybe I do, but when he is the only one in the group that can't stand up strait, it's hard to be proud and say "that's my man!" Then the looks of pity I get from others just p's me off. 

I am thinking of getting into some kind of counseling for myself. Even if just to get up the nerve to leave. Just sort out what I really want out of life I guess. For so many yrs the concentration has been on him, keeping him out of trouble, basically play by his rules, as to not set him off on a worse drinking binge. I don't really remember who I am anymore. I feel I have changed back to the person I was before i met him, but still feel lost at the same time. If that makes any sense at all.


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