# Venting and looking for input.



## Kvboox2 (3 mo ago)

Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years. 

In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.

Which leads up to yesterday. We were alone and decided to have some mid day fun. I start by giving him oral and switch to me on top and within 10 minutes he's going soft. I stop and he starts masturbating to get hard again which he does but by then I'm defeated and taking it personally so I just finish him off with oral. After I finished I mentioned that he needs to do something because I'm trying not to be offended but it's hard. As the day went on my anger for the situation got worse and I am just fed up and haven’t spoken to him besides 1 or 2 words here and there.

My ego is in the dumps at this moment and I understand it may be his weight gain or ED but it's hard to process that it may not just be his attraction to me. He's a sweep it under the table type of person and me bringing this up in conversation is seen as nagging since we've discussed it before and his answers are always the same it's not me yada yada yada.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Kvboox2 said:


> Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years.
> 
> In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.
> 
> ...


Well believe him when he says it isn't you.
However, In your story I notice you finished him off with oral. What did he do for you? He's got the medical issue, it he won't pursue some of the obvious solutions the least he could do it help you out after his ED strikes.

It seems to me you have a medical issues AND a sex issue. Not all medical issues or ED can be fixed. However a satisfying sex life can still be had.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Kvboox2 said:


> Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years.
> 
> In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.
> 
> ...


You're pressuring him to do something that he really doesn't want.

Wouldn't you want him to respect you if your sex drive was low and you didn't feel like it as much or anymore?

Not everyone has the same sex drive. ..

Not everyone's sex drive remains the same as life goes on.

He isn't really interested in sex..or alot of it anymore.

He'd rather not, and his heart nor head isn't really into it.

Stay, buy toys, and get yourself off, or leave and find someone that you're sexually compatible with.

Your ultimatums are making things worse.

Accept it and respect him , or bounce.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> After I finished I mentioned that he needs to do something because I'm trying not to be offended but it's hard.


It isnt you. It is his poor health. And HE is the only one who can fix it. If he has a brain he will get with fixing it. Would his doctor give him a script for viagra or cialis to help out until he gets his weight down? Assuming diabetics are allowed to use PDE 5 inhibitors.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

How old are you and he?
How long have you been married?
Does your husband watch porn or masturbate apart from being with you?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Kvboox2 said:


> ......In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that *my sexual needs are not being met* and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage.
> 
> ........he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight
> 
> ...


Let's start by saying that the cause is not you. Repeat that. Look up what affirmations are. They are often used to help with weight loss, increasing exercise, or changing bad habits. You put yourself into a self-hypnosis trance, and repeat certain words or phrases until your subconscious starts to believe them. It is not you that is the cause of his ED.

Next, just because it is not you that caused the problem, doesn't mean you can't be part of the solution. Oh course if you just want to not talk to him or growl at him, nothing much will improve.

If you do love him and want him to be your sex partner instead of just opening up the marriage, you may need to help him relearn a lot about sex that he either forgot or never new. 

Prediabetic Men, who are obese often have metabolic syndrome. The belly fat converts testosterone into estrogen. They often loose muscle mass, and have vitamin D deficiency, along with ultra low testosterone levels and lower bone density. All very bad things.

You can either open up your marriage or you can sit down and tell him that you love and care about him and want him to live more quality years with him. If he decides to change, you can help by changing the foods within your house, you can help by going walking with him to help him exercises. You can make exercise a couple's activity. Another thing you can do, if you don't want to start teaching a new man what you life sexually, is teaching your current husband what you like and he can do that will provide the two of you with some sexual bonding and sense of intimacy.

Again, you are not the source of his sexual problems. Yes you are suffering. You can either open your marriage up and try to find sexual happiness somewhere else or you can try to work with your husband to support him in his fixing his problems. Of course that assumes he sees them as problems and will commit to fixing them. If he can't, you might just be better off divorcing him than engaging in affairs with other men.

Good luckl


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> How old are you and he?
> How long have you been married?
> Does your husband watch porn or masturbate apart from being with you?


 He’s 47, she’s 45 I believe I saw in her intro post. Together for like 29 years, married for 24?

I do think telling him to get it together or you want an open marriage was not a wise response. Males take serious offense to such a threat. I know you’re frustrated, but dang. I suggest keeping that type of hostility inward and finding other gentler ways to speak to him.

While he’s overweight, and that is mostly his lot to address, he clearly has a medical issue, maybe a mental block too. It probably isn’t you in the bigger picture, yet that open marriage comment would light me up as a spouse. Nope.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> He’s 47, she’s 45 I believe I saw in her intro post. Together for like 29 years, married for 24?
> 
> I do think telling him to get it together or you want an open marriage was not a wise response. Males take serious offense to such a threat. I know you’re frustrated, but dang. I suggest keeping that type of hostility inward and finding other gentler ways to speak to him.
> 
> While he’s overweight, and that is mostly his lot to address, he clearly has a medical issue, maybe a mental block too. It probably isn’t you in the bigger picture, yet that open marriage comment would light me up as a spouse. Nope.



Agree. It's super insulting and demeaning.

Op, may contribute highly to his problem. Perhaps it is her...

Maybe his Ed mainly stems from an insensitive, insulting, demanding partner, who is all about herself and her wants.


Haven't heard his feelings towards anything.

It is possible that he likes the way he is.

It certainly doesn't help that op is perhaps insulting, emasculating, and cruel.

Suggesting an open marriage to him is cruel.


Op is making him feel inadequate and only a piece of meat. ..

Op you're going to push him into the arms of someone else...

If I were a husband and telling a wife it isn't her and I just don't feel like it, and she was demanding giving me ultimatums, suggesting open marriage, 

treating me like a piece of meat instead of a partner, kept nagging me about her wants and desires, dragging me to different places, nagging about my health, nagging me about the changes that she wants me to make strictly for her benefit. Not asking or caring about my feelings....


I would divorce that wife and find someone who would accept and love me as is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It could be him. It could be you. He's the only one who knows what the story really is. The problem, obviously, is that he’s not willing to work on finding a solution. How much weight does he need to lose?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Males take serious offense to such a threat.


Yeah, @Kvboox2 telling him 18 months ago that she wanted an open marriage if things didn't improve surely didn't help her cause. ( Assuming her cause was to get him healthy ).

Speaking as a guy who has dealt with ED, all he has in his head now is "If I don't perform she will be finding someone else". H3ll my wife never said anything but words of encouragement, and affirmation, we had been married for 5 decades, and that was STILL what ran through MY head. So even if his physical problem gets solved, he now has a huge psychological hurdle to overcome. And a pist off wife who has run out of patience. 

Words once spoken can never be retrieved. If he loses all of the weight and performs like a rock star, her words will echo in his head for the rest of his life.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

The fact that he can stay hard with oral makes me think it’s less physiological and more psychological. Erections can be very precarious and just the slightest bit of anxiety, pressure to perform, or relationship issues can result in more shrinkage than George Costanza in a swimming pool.


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## Kvboox2 (3 mo ago)

Thank you all for the responses. I want to answer some questions and respond.

Anastasia6 I just usually finish him off and leave it at that and take care of myself later on that evening.

Tiddytok5 I understand the ebbs and flow of sex in marriage but in a monogamous marriage even if my drive was low I would try to work on a compromise especially because marriage is about compromise. I do things that he hates to do in the house even though I can't stand those things either. Yes this is apples to oranges but it's an example. I fully respect him and need him to respect how I feel also.

Rus 47 his doctor won't prescribe anything because he says once he loses the excess weight his drive should return

Beyondrepair007 He’s 47, I'm 45 and we've been together for 29 years and married for 24. As for porn and masturbating it was an issue years ago 7+ that I figured out when we went months without sex. He's not one to truthfully answer if I asked due to embarrassment I think. It's weird because at one point when vhs tapes were around we had 2 big totes of porn that we watched together and often.

Open minded he has about 30lbs to lose.

I want to say we have built a good marriage and life and weve gone through alot and at one time marriage counseling saved us, but sex has been a spot that has progressively gotten worse over time. I've never said anything about his manhood when he's lost an erection, and just helped him get back up and finished him orally numerous times even though the mood passed for me. I've always taken Into consideration his feelings besides for the 2 times I mentioned in this thread I've never said anything else. When I mentioned the open marriage I did it because years ago we once considered it to try and spice things up. We visited a swingers club and set up an online profile etc but we never went through with anything but the sex was awesome in that time period.

If he honestly spoke with me and said he was fine with the quantity of our sex life or even if it was me I'd hopefully be more understanding but when he says he knows it is an issue but doesn't follow through, my mind wanders and the insecurities of is it me he's not attracted to comes into play. 

He's a great guy but he's just not that good at talking about issues or his feelings especially about sex.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

CallingDrLove said:


> just the slightest bit of anxiety, pressure to perform, or relationship issues can result in more shrinkage than George Costanza in a swimming pool.


Yes indeed. And the psychological is way more difficult to overcome. He has to have a string of unqualified successes. And even then one flat tire can push him back to square one. Words have tremendous power.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Kvboox2 

I was in your shoes years ago. You need to step back and look at your relationship from a different angle. 

You brought up your concerns to your husband almost two years ago. His lack of action tells you he doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about them. You may not like his answer but you have one. 

The question you need to ask yourself is this. Does he have enough other good qualities to make you want to stay married to him? And before you say 'but Lila I want sex and intimacy in my relationship', I'll tell you that leaving your current husband is no guarantee that you'll find someone else who will meet some or even a few of your needs. I'm not saying to scare you into staying but this decision shouldn't be taken lightly. 

Stop nagging him. You're not his mother, you're his wife. When (or if) he's ready to address the problems, he will take the initiative to do so.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> Rus 47 his doctor won't prescribe anything because he says once he loses the excess weight his drive should return


Get a different doctor! One who knows how to deal with ED. Who knows about male sexual disfunction. My GP had no problem prescribing Cialis just cuz I asked. His doctor is telling him to wait ten months to lose 30 lbs while he and his marriage is dying!!!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Words once spoken can never be retrieved. If he loses all of the weight and performs like a rock star, her words will echo in his head for the rest of his life.


Should she just accept the sexless marriage now since it looks like he'll never forget her words? I mean if those words broke him to the point that he can never overcome them, then maybe she should bring opening the marriage back up again. What's there to lose?




Rus47 said:


> Get a different doctor! One who knows how to deal with ED. Who knows about male sexual disfunction. My GP had no problem prescribing Cialis just cuz I asked. His doctor is telling him to wait ten months to lose 30 lbs while he and his marriage is dying!!!


The problem is that she is not the one responsible for doing anything to fix his ED. She can recommend he switch doctors but then she's nagging. She's his wife. All she can do is discuss her issue


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If someone knows that their partner is dissatisfied and yet they do nothing to try to fix it and refuse to try to discuss it or do anything about it, I think asking about other options such as opening the relationship or even ending the relationship is fair. 

we all only have one life and if someone has needs that the other is not willing to try to meet, then it is fair to bring up options.

might it bruise the male ego to bring up getting down with other men? Yeah probably.

But her ego is bruised every time he rejects her or makes a half hearted attempt to shut her up and then limps out and does nothing to try to please her or address the problems, then outsourcing her needs or even ending the relationship become viable options. 

mid he does not want to try to meet her needs and does not care about her sexual satisfaction, then why should he care if Sven From Yoga does?

And if he does care about her needs, then being reminded she is a living and viable woman that can send out one txt and have someone booking a hotel room for the night might be the motivation he needs to address their issues. 

I think she was exercising her right and her perogative in bringing up open marriage.

from there, it’s his choice whether he steps up to the plate to live a healthy and vital life and address her needs or whether to outsource her needs so he can sit in front of the tube with his beer and chips and not have to be bothered by her.

she was in her right to present it as an option to him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lila said:


> Should she just accept the sexless marriage now since it looks like he'll never forget her words? I mean if those words broke him to the point that he can never overcome them, then maybe she should bring opening the marriage back up again. What's there to lose?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah you are probably right. Maybe she needs to insist on an open marriage or just divorce him. He probably is broken beyond repair.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> she was in her right to present it as an option to him.


She already has brought it up. She only needs to just tell him it is open as of now. Not negotiable.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Yeah you are probably right. Maybe she needs to insist on an open marriage or just divorce him. He probably is broken beyond repair.


I mean if she wants a sexually fulfilling marriage but she psychologically irreparably traumatized him with what she said, then yeah, it's probably best if they go their separate ways.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Yeah you are probably right. Maybe she needs to insist on an open marriage or just divorce him. He probably is broken beyond repair.





Rus47 said:


> She already has brought it up. She only needs to just tell him it is open as of now. Not negotiable.



That’s too nihilistic, no one is broken beyond repair. 

There is middle ground and room for improvement here. 

He has already shown that he can eat a healthy diet, exercise and lose weight and that his performance will return. 

He just needs to do it. 

She was in her right to bring up open marriage. He would have been in his right to have told her he didn’t want to mess with it and for her to take on outside lovers. But he presumably said no.

So if he wants to remain married and wants her to remain sexually exclusive on to him, the ball is in his court to step up.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm having a hard time imagining a guy that had brought up an open marriage because his wife couldn't do it and didn't want to address it being told that he has to suck it up now because she's damaged by the suggestion.

Nope...he'd be told that was a mistake but he shouldn't live without sex.

I don't think bringing up am open marriage is a good idea but it's hardly on the sane level as affairs. At least this way is honest.

I agree with @Lila that his failure to address it tells you that your needs don't much matter. My ex also had ED that he refused to address until the end and by then other things had happened such that I left him. I probably wouldn't have left him over the ED alone but it was soul sucking for me. I find sex bonding and I couldn't have that, which might have been ok if he explored other things but he did not.

I'm glad I left because I have a close, fulfilling relationship with someone now. But since your marriage is otherwise good you have to decide what its worth to you. You've got a guy who is good for 2-3 times a month and isn't much interested in your needs. Do his other good qualities make up for that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> I mean if she wants a sexually fulfilling marriage but she psychologically irreparably traumatized him with what she said, then yeah, it's probably best if they go their separate ways.


He’s not irreparably psychologically traumatized because he knows it was he that was dropping the ball and knows it was him getting unhealthy and lazy that is causing the issue. 

Deep down he knows she was in her right and deep down he knows that if she were rejecting him and brushing him off that would have have brought up the same thing. 

The people that would be traumatized would be the people that are giving it their all and putting in blood,sweat and tears and are having what they think is a great sex life but their partner wants to bang other people anyway. 

He knows this is on him and knows it was a fair topic to bring up.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> That’s too nihilistic, no one is broken beyond repair.
> 
> There is middle ground and room for improvement here.
> 
> ...


Just curious. What would your response be to your wife telling you what she told him?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Just curious. What would your response be to your wife telling you what she told him?


I’m surprised another male is backing up that statement. We all have to take accountability somewhere but dang..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let’s shift gears slightly. Every man that lives to a ripe old age is going to limp out at some point. Either now and then and perhaps even permanently without treatment. 

The health of the marriage and the acceptance and tolerance of the wife is going to depend greatly on he manages and what he does when it occurs.

If a guy simply rolls over and does nothing and just becomes an inert blob that doesn’t lift a finger to please her or satisfy her or worse yet, somehow blames her - then yeah there is going to be trouble. 

In those instances, I think it is fair for her to ask if he wants to remain together or whether he would rather Sven From Yoga come over to take of her. 

But I am willing to bet the farm that for 99+% of normal wives, that if he were to pull out some of his other tools out of the sexual tool box whether it be his handy work, tongue, toys or whatever to take care of her in the moment AND seek treatment and healthier lifestyle choices to improve his performance, 99+% of women are going to be ok with that and will not take to the streets, will not call Sven From Yoga and will not pack bags and leave.

It’s not limp penises that are cause marital discord in the vast majority of cases.

It’s the laziness and unwillingness to do anything about it and the unwillingness to take her needs seriously and at least try to satisfy her and address the problems that cause the damage.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I’m surprised another male is backing up that statement. We all have to take accountability somewhere but dang..


Honestly, my response would be to file papers tomorrow because she already divorced me in her mind.

I am waiting for @oldshirt answer.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Just curious. What would your response be to your wife telling you what she told him?


If I was having a problem, not trying to meet her needs, and not trying to fix the problem, I would know that it was on me. 

Would it have a sting in the moment? Yeah probably. But it would be within her right and it would be on me to do something about it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> He’s not irreparably psychologically traumatized because he knows it was he that was dropping the ball and knows it was him getting unhealthy and lazy that is causing the issue.
> 
> Deep down he knows she was in her right and deep down he knows that if she were rejecting him and brushing him off that would have have brought up the same thing.
> 
> ...


I probably should have added the /s to my post. It was in response to Rus47's comment "_Words once spoken can never be retrieved. If he loses all of the weight and performs like a rock star, her words will echo in his head for the rest of his life_."

I went down this road with an ex husband who refused to address the issue for *years*, literally until I threatened him with divorce. That was literally the beginning of the end. 

On the other hand my current bf had ED when we first started seeing each other several years ago. He brought it up as a psych issue and said "you don't need to worry about it. I got this". That was the last time he ever brought it up because true to his word, he took care of it. 

I wish more women would recognize there is no fixing this issue for men. The men who want to fix it, will. The men who don't, won't. 

Any steps we take to encourage, recommend, or discuss the issue is seen as cajoling, nagging, or mothering by those men who refuse to address it. 

The only thing the women can do is accept it or move on. That's it.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Let’s shift gears slightly. Every man that lives to a ripe old age is going to limp out at some point. Either now and then and perhaps even permanently without treatment.
> 
> The health of the marriage and the acceptance and tolerance of the wife is going to depend greatly on he manages and what he does when it occurs.
> 
> ...


While I agree he should be taking better care of himself. Her response/ THREAT to get him to do it was probably not the best route.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> because she already divorced me in her mind.


I don’t believe that is true. 

I don’t think a divorce has already taken place in her mind at all. 

But people have needs and if their partner is not willing to step up to even try to address them and aren’t willing to try to address the problem, then all options can be brought to the table.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> While I agree he should be taking better care of himself. Her response/ THREAT to get him to do it was probably not the best route.


Having been in the OPs shoes, the "threat" is the Hail Mary. Her choices are accept a less than satisfying relationship her husband (assuming he's a great guy otherwise), find a lover to satisfy her needs (I don't condone cheating but it is an option), or divorce.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Lila said:


> Having been in the OPs shoes, the "threat" is the Hail Mary. Her choices are accept a less than satisfying relationship her husband (assuming he's a great guy otherwise), find a lover to satisfy her needs (I don't condone cheating but it is an option), or divorce.


Yall broads be cold up in here 🤣 dang. Sorry bros! Lol


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yall broads be cold up in here 🤣 dang. Sorry bros! Lol


Lol. Look at my join date. That's the first time I posted about the ED issues with my ex. There are some "old" members here who know the level of effort I put in to fixing the problem, all of it for nothing. It ended in divorce. 

So yeah, I'm pretty cold about this topic.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> While I agree he should be taking better care of himself. Her response/ THREAT to get him to do it was probably not the best route.


She is in her right to live a happy and healthy life which includes sexuality. 

If he is not willing to address that, she is in her right to bring up options for discussion.

What everyone needs to ask themselves is whether this “threat” is a manipulation and some kind of extortion or whether it is informing him of the ramifications and outcomes of his actions/inactions.

If she is legitimately at the end of her rope to where she is ready, willing and able to get with someone else, or she is ready, willing and able to dissolve the marriage - then she is actually doing the right thing by informing him of such so that he can make informed decisions on the ramifications of his actions and inactions.

If she were to start screwing other people or was to leaving him without informing him of her position, then people would really be howling that she did NOT inform him and did not give him the options of fixing it before she took action.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> She is in her right to live a happy and healthy life which includes sexuality.
> 
> If he is not willing to address that, she is in her right to bring up options for discussion.
> 
> ...


I guess. I’d been through some crap in my marriage and could never have said that to my husband is all. I just can’t see doing that to a man and expecting a good outcome.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> If she were to start screwing other people or was to leaving him without informing him of her position, then people would really be howling that she did NOT inform him and did not give him the options of fixing it before she took action.


I don’t want this point to get lost at the bottom of a long post. 

If she were to NOT present this this option at his inaction and were to either start getting with other dudes or was to divorce him without warning, people would be losing their minds and calling for her to be tarred and feathered and run out of town on a rail. 

So which is it? What should she do? She has been making her needs and her dissatisfactions known to him and he has thus far been doing nothing about it so what should she do and what other options does she have???? 

She has a basic animal right to a sexlife as an adult sexual organism of the earth. 

What other options does she have if he is not willing to address the issues and not address her needs?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I guess. I’d been through some crap in my marriage and could never have said that to my husband is all. I just can’t see doing that to a man and expecting a good outcome.


But when all other avenues have failed, can you expect a good outcome by not presenting it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> So yeah, I'm pretty cold about this topic.


Being cold is not the same as being wrong.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

How would an open marriage help your marriage? It sounds like you want your sex life _with your husband_ to improve, so having sex with total strangers seems like an odd way to go about that.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Being cold is not the same as being wrong.


I'm not wrong. 

I spent years on other forums dedicated to this topic. Never saw a single success story. 

I read plenty of stories from women who accepted the situation. They learned ways to cope with their feelings to keep from feeling resentment towards their partner. 

A large portion ended up like me, divorced after years of struggles while the last group ended up having affairs.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Kvboox2 said:


> Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years.
> 
> In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.
> 
> ...


This is tough to deal with OP, but unfortunately it's not within your power to do anything about it. It's entirely up to him, he lack of action is his choice.

I know it sounds really cut and dry, but been there, done that, got kicked in my ass for accepting that. What would he do were your positions reversed? 

Why won't his doctor prescribe the meds? He's only 30 lbs overweight, not 100+, does he have heart issues or something? When I tried to talk about that with my ex, he gave me every excuse under the sun, did nothing and fobbed me off entirely, it turned out he was not attracted to me, but didn't want to say, because he knew that would end our marriage.

It's been 2 years already, I'll never condone cheating regardless of circumstances, so you're on the hotseat now, **** or get off the pot. Cheating is a coward's way out, and suggesting open marriage is just plain hurtful. The ball's in your court (or not, it's deflated and abandoned).


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yall broads be cold up in here 🤣 dang. Sorry bros! Lol





Bulfrog1987 said:


> I guess. I’d been through some crap in my marriage and could never have said that to my husband is all. I just can’t see doing that to a man and expecting a good outcome.


This is rich coming from you, isn't it?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Kvboox2 said:


> Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years.
> 
> In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.
> 
> ...


*In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare unfair to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. *
Basically what you are saying to your husband is, you`d better start satisfying my sexual needs or else.
I`m not surprise your husband is struggling to raise an erection with you, neither could I if having a wife with your attitude and the pressure you are placing upon him to become a love making machine.
Obviously your husband has health issues and requires some TLC, understanding and incentives to try and get himself in good shape, not the threat of you going with other men hanging over him. That`s a form of blackmail.
If you haven`t cheated already than judging by your open marriage comment it is likely you are a cheater waiting to happen, because it appears you are no longer attracted to your husband and bored in the relationship, you want to find solace and excitement outside the marriage like a teenager or a female in her 20s, not taking into account you`re a middle age woman in her 40s.
Sorry, but I am only giving you some hard truths.
Are you presently going through the menopause or are you post menopause, because this could have something to do your erratic behaviour regarding sex. If so perhaps it is you that needs some treatment such as hormone therapy that may create a better internal balance, mentally and physically for you.
If you still feel there is no hope for the situation to improve, than divorce maybe your best option.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Open marriage....So really it's all about sex. 

Don't you think if you F$ck other men you are going to build à connection with them and leave your husband anyway ?

Maybe you should just D and spare your husband anymore embarrassment 😳


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> This is rich coming from you, isn't it?


My particular choice was also not a good one. Therefore due to my particular experience I think I have a valid opinion. Not necessarily an agreed upon opinion. I understand that triggers some fellow posters.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> My particular choice was also not a good one. Therefore due to my particular experience I think I have a valid opinion. Not necessarily an agreed upon opinion. I understand that triggers some fellow posters.


Your opinion is spot on. The OP doesn't realize, that what she said is a lobito killer for men and will work just the opposite of her objective


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> My particular choice was also not a good one. Therefore due to my particular experience I think I have a valid opinion. Not necessarily an agreed upon opinion. I understand that triggers some fellow posters.


I meant how you disparaged other women who've been through what OP's been through, not what you said to OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jimi007 said:


> Your opinion is spot on. The OP doesn't realize, that what she said is a lobito killer for men and will work just the opposite of her objective


His libido was already killed before she said that out of frustration. And it seems he's not interested in making things any better. She can't make him change. She can suggest things. But he's the one who has to care enough to make changes.

It seems that he does not care enough about how much he has hurt her by constantly rejecting her for years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Kvboox2

Here's a thread with some info that might help you. It's a long thread but read at least the first few pages as it provides some resources.
The Sex Starved Wife | Talk About Marriage


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Kvboox2 I hope you won't let the people who blame you for your husband's issues scare you away from posting. They've never experienced your situation and don't understand what it's like. I really do hope you'll continue posting if for nothing else than to vent. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT take responsibility for fixing any part of your spouse's sexual dysfunction. You'll internalize the failures, blame yourself, and your self esteem will end up in tatters. The one who will end up in therapy is you. Protect your mental health at all costs.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t believe that is true.
> 
> I don’t think a divorce has already taken place in her mind at all.
> 
> But people have needs and if their partner is not willing to step up to even try to address them and aren’t willing to try to address the problem, then all options can be brought to the table.


She has expressed her desire to open the marriage. Which means she wants to be with other*s. *Us old folks took vows when we walked the aisle, one of which was we were exclusive with one another, "forsaking all others". Another was that when one or the other fell ill, we weren't going to start trolling for others. So if the wife OR the husband says they want other people, then they have expressed their choice and hearts desire. Maybe OP n Husband made no such vows. And yes they already wanted to explore non-monogamy so they weren't on a path I can appreciate. Maybe she didn't mean what she said, but let her frustration run her mouth, which we are all prone to do.

I was writing from my perspective that those words or similar to me are the same as saying "I don't want to be exclusive with you anymore. I am renouncing my vows". Which is the same as saying "I want a divorce". So, if my wife said those words THAT would be what I heard. And I can't unhear it. If she didn't mean it she would have opportunity to try to mend the fences after being served, the whole procedure takes a long time to complete.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I guess. I’d been through some crap in my marriage and could never have said that to my husband is all. I just can’t see doing that to a man and expecting a good outcome.


In this case, it would be a "good outcome" if that is what OP wants. Evidently they had considered an open "marriage" before he had any problem with ED, so her suggestion ( or threat in my book ) was expressing what she intends doing.

I believe you are correct, that most men hearing those words would produce divorce. Which would be the "good" outcome the wife would be seeking by saying the words. How would a wife take a frustrated husband suggesting they open their marriage? Would she be able to ignore those words?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> She has expressed her desire to open the marriage. Which means she wants to be with others.


I think your (and some other posters) general premise is flawed. 

If she wanted to be with others, she would be with others. If she wanted to have sex with someone else, all she’d have to do is shoot some guy in her contact list to book a motel room and she’ll meet him there in an hour. It’s that easy for a woman. 

She did not tell him that she wanted to get with others and that was not her point. 

She was basically asking him if that was what she was going to have to do if he was not wanting to do anything to address the issue. 

It’s not that that was what she was wanting to do - but rather she was asking if that was what she was going to have to do in order to have her needs met. 

That may seem like semantics and a play on words but it is not. There is an important distinction there. 

She doesn’t actually want to get with someone else and she doesn’t want to divorce and go back on the singles market. She wants to have marital relations with her husband.

But if he is not willing to put in the effort to have relations with her, what are her other options???? 

She was not telling him she was wanting to bang other dudes. She was asking him which other options she should consider if he was not wanting to do anything about it. 

And again I will reiterate that people are blaming her for his limpy by mentioning open marriage and calling it a “threat.”

But all of these same people would be calling for her head on a platter if she were to leave him or take any other action without mentioning the ramifications of his inactions first. 

You can’t have it both ways. You can’t beat someone up because they brought up alternatives and options and ramifications, but then beat them up worse if they did not make him aware of the ramifications and options first. 

I know this is a sensitive and triggering topic for people. But the reality of the cosmos is people have needs and if someone’s partner is not willing to try to meet those needs, they will eventually get them met elsewhere. 

He’s been given fair warning and he knows the stakes. It’s on him now.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I not sure why my last post was in bold. I didn’t do it intentionally. I’m not trying to yell.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm sorry, but you are barking at the wrong tree. Of course he is like that... he is overweight, pre-diabetic and god knows what pills he is taking. In fact, what meds is he taking? Lots of meds can kill libido in men and cause ED. Is he depressed? Until he sorts himself out - exercise, good diet, losing weight, etc. - you can forget a satisfactory sex life.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> She was in her right to bring up open marriage. He would have been in his right to have told her he didn’t want to mess with it and for her to take on outside lovers. But he presumably said no.
> 
> So if he wants to remain married and wants her to remain sexually exclusive on to him, the ball is in his court to step up.


Agreed. Sometimes the truth hurts but needs to be said. He needs to get in physical shape, improve his libido (maca root pills are great BTW), take meds for ED if necessary, and fulfill his sexual duty. If not, she can move on. She shouldn’t have even needed to say it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> In this case, it would be a "good outcome" if that is what OP wants. Evidently they had considered an open "marriage" before he had any problem with ED, so her suggestion ( or threat in my book ) was expressing what she intends doing.
> 
> I believe you are correct, that most men hearing those words would produce divorce. Which would be the "good" outcome the wife would be seeking by saying the words. How would a wife take a frustrated husband suggesting they open their marriage? Would she be able to ignore those words?


I missed where they had the previous conversation. I digress humbly.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> I meant how you disparaged other women who've been through what OP's been through, not what you said to OP.


Yes, I know exactly what you meant. So my response was okay, but it shouldn’t come from me because of my past? I should cheer her on and say “well I had an affair you go ahead too! Yes that’s a great idea.” Or I just shouldn’t speak on the matter at all? 

I don’t live in the shame of my past anymore, I’ve never condoned it and if I can help another woman or man for that matter and say, don’t be stupid as I was, then I’m going to go there regardless of your or anyone else’s call out. I get my participation triggers those scorned before my an affair. 

It seems I missed an important detail however that they’ve previously talked about and open marriage. I still don’t think that’s the fix for this but that’s their choice and I have nothing further to add.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I'm sorry, but you are barking at the wrong tree. Of course he is like that... he is overweight, pre-diabetic and god knows what pills he is taking. In fact, what meds is he taking? Lots of meds can kill libido in men and cause ED. Is he depressed? Until he sorts himself out - exercise, good diet, losing weight, etc. - you can forget a satisfactory sex life.


Sometimes people can't actually fix their problems. They can't "sort themselves out". If a man is on nitrates for heart disease he cannot take ED meds. So I suppose if the old man gets heart disease at 50 plus or gets depressed because woman he has been married to for years tells him he ain't gettin the job done and she wants to "open" the marriage, just put him out with the trash. In sickness and in health are just a fancy meaningless phrase. When old age arrives with associated issues, out with the old and in with the new.

Goes both ways. Women have ailments too.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yall broads be cold up in here  dang. Sorry bros! Lol


She’s right, though.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lila said:


> Having been in the OPs shoes, the "threat" is the Hail Mary. Her choices are accept a less than satisfying relationship her husband (assuming he's a great guy otherwise), find a lover to satisfy her needs (I don't condone cheating but it is an option), or divorce.


I have also been in the OP's situation, just from the Male perspective.
Your choices #2 and 3 are correct: however #1 is way off.
Like the old song goes "You can't always get what you want......but if you try real hard, you just might find, you get what you need."
That's what happened in my situation.
Marriage is give and take. It is a series of compromises. That's where my wife and I ended up. She didn't get exactly what she wanted, nor did I. As a starting point, she agreed to start having sex again, I compromised on the frequency.
Now, we are both at the point that we have as much sex as we can physically handle (neither of us are in great health) and it is like when we were dating.
The solution is to find the common ground, and build from there.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> How would an open marriage help your marriage? It sounds like you want your sex life _with your husband_ to improve, so having sex with total strangers seems like an odd way to go about that.


It’s just a way of saying I’m not putting up with this. He needs to get his act together. Whether her next step is divorce or an open marriage shouldn’t really matter. Shape up (literally) or ship out.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> And again I will reiterate that people are blaming her for his limpy by mentioning open marriage and calling it a “threat.”


I disagree with minimizing the open marriage discussion.




Kvboox2 said:


> if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage.


This ^^^ sounds like a "threat' or at the very least words spoken in anger. The important question is how did hubby see it, and what did that do to him? Maybe it was a threat, maybe is was a passing comment. Only he would know how it landed.

I'm not blaming OP nor blaming her husband. Finger-pointing does no good. They have issues and are not meeting in the middle with effort and compromise. As long as there's no infidelity happening then OP should compromise a bit, and hubby will have to make the effort to fix problems that are in his control. Even if ED can't be solved, there should be ways to get OP satisfaction that will save the marriage. Sex therapy would have those answers.

But if they won't meet in the middle and put in the work to have a happy marriage, then divorce. Opening the marriage will likely have that same effect especially if both parties are not in agreement about it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Sometimes people can't actually fix their problems. They can't "sort themselves out". If a man is on nitrates for heart disease he cannot take ED meds. So I suppose if the old man gets heart disease at 50 plus or gets depressed because woman he has been married to for years tells him he ain't gettin the job done and she wants to "open" the marriage, just put him out with the trash. In sickness and in health are just a fancy meaningless phrase. When old age arrives with associated issues, out with the old and in with the new.
> 
> Goes both ways. Women have ailments too.


Yes, but we don't really know if there is anything wrong with the guy apart from the insulin-resistance. That can be solved with diet and exercise. Maybe he is taking ADs... maybe he has low testosterone. Statins, for example, lower testosterone and guys lose their libido. We need a full picture before we tell the OP to put the guy out with the trash. But I can see that the husband doesn't want to get a physical. In this case, I would give him an ultimatum, but not threats of open marriages...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> I have also been in the OP's situation, just from the Male perspective.
> Your choices #2 and 3 are correct: however #1 is way off.
> Like the old song goes "You can't always get what you want......but if you try real hard, you just might find, you get what you need."
> That's what happened in my situation.
> ...


I'm glad that it worked out for you and your wife but your situation doesn't sound anything like what I or the OP are describing. 


Your situation worked because both people were willing to put effort into making things work. The OPs husband has shown through his actions that he has no desire to compromise or seek out common ground. 
What is there left to do?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

CraigBesuden said:


> It’s just a way of saying I’m not putting up with this. He needs to get his act together. Whether her next step is divorce or an open marriage shouldn’t really matter. Shape up (literally) or ship out.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


I think it’s better to just say “I’m not putting up with this,” (and separate or divorce, etc) than go outside of the marriage for sex. Just be honest and if it comes down to leaving the marriage, that’s better (imo) than an open marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Sometimes people can't actually fix their problems. They can't "sort themselves out". If a man is on nitrates for heart disease he cannot take ED meds. So I suppose if the old man gets heart disease at 50 plus or gets depressed because woman he has been married to for years tells him he ain't gettin the job done and she wants to "open" the marriage, just put him out with the trash. In sickness and in health are just a fancy meaningless phrase. When old age arrives with associated issues, out with the old and in with the new.
> 
> Goes both ways. Women have ailments too.



Ok but you are looking at it as though an erect penis is the end all be all of the sexual universe. It is not. PIV intercourse is but one act in a constellation of sexual activities.

If I could no longer perform PIV, I would start doing push ups with tongue until I could strip the pavement off a parking lot with it and learn to breathe through my ears. 

People should not let intercourse ruin their sex life. There are a million other techniques and activities and devices to employ. 

What drives other people to divorce courts and into the arms of there’s is not a penis or vagina that does not work right - but rather the owner of that penis or vagina that does nothing to try to compensate or put forth any effort to try other means to take care of their partner. 

We all age, we all develop health ailments over time. But those ailments are no reason to sit on the couch and make zero effort to show your partner love. 

His penis may not work that great but his hands and his mouth ain’t broke and he isn’t brain dead to where he can’t be creative to show her love and pleasure by other means when needed. 

It’s not his broke dck that may lead her to pack bags or to the arms of another. It’s his unwillingness to try.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Lila said:


> What is there left to do?


Definitely not an open marriage. It will come to divorce, eventually, like all of us in a situation where the partner is unwilling to do anything about it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Definitely not an open marriage. It will come to divorce, eventually, like all of us in a situation where the partner is unwilling to do anything about it.


I agree that's it's just kicking the can down the road but it is an option. 

The saddest part is that were they to split up, dollars to donuts, her husband would be at the gym working out everyday, eating healthy and swallowing ED pills like they were candy, all in the search for sex with women who probably don't care 1/100th for him compared to his wife.


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## Kvboox2 (3 mo ago)

Good Morning all,

I wasn't expecting to come back to 4 pages and appreciate everyone's input, comments and advice.

1st no I do not want to divorce or cheat on my husband. I don't think he wants to either but I'm not him so I can oy speak for myself. We have a good marriage besides for sex and the issues not having sex brings into our life. I'd like to have sex with him and not others because there were times it was good.

About me mentioning to him the opening up the marriage it wasn't just me saying I want to sleep with others it was me saying we can. At that time yes I was sexually frustrated and feeling unattractive. I wanted to be wanted sexually by someone. After 29 years of being together I understand after having the same thing everyweek may become boring hence me feeling that if he also slept with someone it could possibly bring the sex back into our relationship. Did I want either of us to no but I have needs and I assume he does also that weren't getting met. There's only so much using toys can do but I also want things they can't provide. Was it smart to think getting our sexual needs met elsewhere would fix our problem no but at that moment that's what I felt. It wasn't a threat to him and I told him we'd discuss it together. He chose going to the doctor and said let's not try opening it up yet and I respected that because he followed through.

I'm am by far not a perfect wife but I don't demasculate him and have never told him fully how I feel sexually. Yes I mentioned I wanted our frequency to improve and resently told him he needs to take care of whats going on with him not being able to maintain an erection. But If he knew how many times I used toys because I wasn't satisfied I think he'd realize how bad it is but I don't want to hurt him. I'm not cold hearted.

I'm not leaving this all up to him. When he initially lost 20lbs he ran/walked 4+ miles with me 5 days a week and he was eating healthy but he faded back into not wanting to do it anymore. I wish I could force him to run with me or use the treadmill we bought heck he even bought weights last year that got used 3 times only but I don't want to nag.

I just need an open line of communication from him on what he feels is the issue. But without that I'm stuck here with anger and resentment and feeling unattractive.

In my mind it's either

Porn and masturbating which if that's it then heck let's watch porn together. We've done it before let's do it again

Lack of libido due to his weight he can come out with me any day he wants and I can go back to cooking the original diet he was on with the initial weightloss.

Loss of attraction to me, this is hard because I'm happy with myself and this may require us separating if he said that. I'm willing to wear lingerie more but physically I'm at a place where I feel better then I ever have.

Medically that is up to him to find a doctor besides his gp. He needs to want to go and I can't force him but of he wanted I'd go with him.

As for his gp he sees now. He just takes cholesterol medication. His doctor doesn't believe in prescribing medication and feels that once his weight is controlled the lack of libido will rebound. I don't think he's even checked his testosterone level. I've seen his online chart and never noticed it.

I hope I've addressed everyone's comments or questions. And I do appreciate all the comments weither good or bad.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Ok but you are looking at it as though an erect penis is the end all be all of the sexual universe. It is not. PIV intercourse is but one act in a constellation of sexual activities.


Of course PIV isn't the only game in town, and it isn't at all how "I" am looking at it. We all know that. My wife and I had to use other options for a year while I tried to recover from prostate removal. No ED meds on this earth would have repaired my nerve bundle. I suppose she could have given me an ultimatum but she isn't that kind of wife. 

OP didn't mention she wanted oral and hubby wouldn't provide it or toys or anything else. For some women, a hard member is the only thing that will truly fill the bill. I assumed that was the case for her because she was complaining about him having a flat tire all of the time. If OP was OK with the alternate activities she would have said as much in the thread and maybe complained she was going down on him and he wouldnt reciprocate. A very reasonable complaint.

Look, OP has been unhappy for a long time, so probably at end of the rope. She has a right to want what she wants. Because what we want is the most important thing in this day and age. If her old man can't cut the mustard, as you have pointed out many many times in many places she can have a better man in 10 minutes (or less). My only issue is with the mention of wanting an open marriage. That is a hard boundary for ME. It sounds like they considered swinging, so for them and you and bunch of other people bringing up open marriage is just another option.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> *In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfair to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. *
> 
> Basically what you are saying to your husband is, you`d better start satisfying my sexual needs or else.


If he’s unwilling to get a physical, that means he’s unwilling to even try. It’s one thing to want things to work but be medically unable to do it. But an unwillingness to try is different.

Even if he’s unable to get an erection, there are plenty of toys and techniques that can be used to satisfy her sexual needs.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Kvboox2 said:


> He just takes cholesterol medication.


Is he on statins, then?

*Statin Side Effects*
Most people who take statin drugs tolerate them very well. But some people have side effects.
The most common statin side effects include:

Headache
Difficulty sleeping
Flushing of the skin
Muscle aches, tenderness, or weakness (myalgia)
Drowsiness
Dizziness
Nausea or vomiting
Abdominal cramping or pain
Bloating or gas
Diarrhea
Constipation
Rash
Low levels of blood platelets
Less common side effects you may have with statins are:

Nausea
Hair loss
Pins and needles sensations, such as pricking, numbness, or tingling on your skin
Liver inflammation, which can make you feel like you have the flu
Pancreas inflammation, which can cause stomach pain
Skin problems such as rashes or acne
*Sexual problems, such as erectile dyfunction or a low sex drive* 
They also increase your blood sugars... in fact, your husband is insulin-resistant (pre-diabetic). With that comes fatigue. Personally, I was having fatigue, tendon pains, legs pains and terrible cramps in my hands, calves and legs. I also lost my sex drive and I couldn't get it up. Since I stopped them a month ago, everything is back to normal. Just tell him to have a statin holiday for 6 weeks and see what happens...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> Good Morning all,
> 
> I wasn't expecting to come back to 4 pages and appreciate everyone's input, comments and advice.
> 
> ...


Personally, I would be broken after the open marriage comment, but since it was discussed and somewhat pursued previously as a couple it may not have the same negative impact on him. Keep in mind thought, one of the golden rules of open marriage is it shouldn't be a fix for a marital problem.

Why don't you tell him how often you are having to masturbate in order to satisfy yourself? Why not ask him to help you with it. I mean look what you did for him. He couldn't keep it up during PIV sex so you finished him orally. Why did you then go take care of yourself solo? Why not ask him to finish you orally or with a toy? I've told my wife on numerous occasions that if I don't satisfy you completely during intercourse I am happy to help her get over the finish line with other methods. 

I also think he should go to a different doctor about ED medication or have him insist his doctor prescribe him something if there is no medical reason preventing him from taking it. There are dozens of options online where a simple questionnaire and brief online consultation will get you any ED medication you want. 

On his weight loss needs. It is very difficult to motivate someone to lose weight or start engaging in exercise. My wife would occasionally complain about carrying a bit of extra weight. Nothing that put her at a health risk, we're talking 5 or 10 lbs. I've been an exercise and health nut for many years. When I heard those complaints I would be gung ho to make suggestions and try to get her to do this or that. It never worked and would usually end up with us arguing. She just didn't want to hit the gym in the same way I did. Eventually she found what she liked to do and I even got me involved in some of the things she liked to do. He has to want to do it for himself and find what he likes to do. Now, as for going on walks. That is a bit of a different story. Yes it is a form of exercise, but it is also quality time together. I would try that angle. Insist on it as quality time and an opportunity to talk and connect.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> My only issue is with the mention of wanting an open marriage. That is a hard boundary for ME. It sounds like they considered swinging, so for them and you and bunch of other people bringing up open marriage is just another option.


It’s important for people to know that many (probably most) people in a relationship will view bringing up an open marriage as indirectly admitting that you believe your partner is unattractive, bad in bed, or in some way inferior and that you have another potential lover already lined up (and you might already be sleeping with that other person). The mere raising of the issue could destroy the relationship.

But I don’t think that’s the case here.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> On his weight loss needs. It is very difficult to motivate someone to lose weight or start engaging in exercise. My wife would occasionally complain about carrying a bit of extra weight. Nothing that put her at a health risk, we're talking 5 or 10 lbs. I've been an exercise and health nut for many years. When I heard those complaints I would be gung ho to make suggestions and try to get her to do this or that. It never worked and would usually end up with us arguing. She just didn't want to hit the gym in the same way I did. Eventually she found what she liked to do and I even got me involved in some of the things she liked to do. He has to want to do it for himself and find what he likes to do. Now, as for going on walks. That is a bit of a different story. Yes it is a form of exercise, but it is also quality time together. I would try that angle. Insist on it as quality time and an opportunity to talk and connect.


For me, I decided to surround myself with information that would turn working out into a hobby. I subscribe to magazines about the lifestyle, watch videos about it, etc. I look at pictures of men with great physiques. I remember how my wife and other women reacted to Magic Mike, how the stars they like have those bodies, etc. I remember my wife saying a few years ago, when I was half-way there (before events stopped my efforts), that my broadening shoulders looked sexy. How in the summertime, while wearing sunglasses, I could see women checking me out.

You’ll never do something you’re not motivated to do. So you need to find your motivation. Being “healthy” isn’t motivating.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Kvboox2 said:


> Good Morning all,
> 
> I wasn't expecting to come back to 4 pages and appreciate everyone's input, comments and advice.
> 
> ...


I'm so very sorry OP. It looks like you've done everything within your power to help fix this issue. I don't have any suggestions just lots of empathy. 😞


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CraigBesuden said:


> It’s important for people to know that many (probably most) people in a relationship will view bringing up an open marriage as indirectly admitting that you believe your partner is unattractive, bad in bed, or in some way inferior


Ok but he IS unattractive, bad in bed and inferior as a sex partner. 

He’s not meeting her needs and she has expressed that him and made him aware of the situation and potential ramifications. 

I know this is discomforting to people but the reality of the universe is we have to perform and deliver. There is no free lunch.

If you don’t do your job, you get fired or go out of business. You don’t pay your utilities, they get shut off. You don’t pay your rent or your house payment, you get evicted/foreclosed. You don’t feed your dog, he goes looking for food elsewhere or he does. 

You don’t take care of your partner’s needs, someone else will/they will leave you. 

Those are harsh realities and they may make people feel more stressed, but they are realities nonetheless. 

If people want to say they will dump their partner if their partner mentions getting it elsewhere, that is their perogative. But to me that just shows you didn’t care that much about them anyway because not only are you not trying to meet their needs and don’t care that their needs are not getting met, but now you’re giving them the boot when they try to discuss it. 

Personally, I would rather my partner be upfront with me and be honest about the seriousness of the situation and inform me of the potential ramifications, than have her stroke my ego and pretend all is good enough and allow the situation to deteriorate to where she does take up with someone else or leave. 

Yes that conversation would be uncomfortable and I would not feel comforted. But I would at least be aware of the gravity of the situation and able to make informed decisions on how to proceed going forward.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Is he on statins, then?
> 
> *Statin Side Effects*
> Most people who take statin drugs tolerate them very well. But some people have side effects.
> ...


All good info. But OP isnt husbands mother so giving him this info would be “nagging”. And he isnt on this thread so will never see the info.

Up to him to stew in his own juice with a doctor who believes in Statins but no other meds.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lila said:


> I'm glad that it worked out for you and your wife but your situation doesn't sound anything like what I or the OP are describing.
> 
> 
> Your situation worked because both people were willing to put effort into making things work. The OPs husband has shown through his actions that he has no desire to compromise or seek out common ground.
> What is there left to do?


My wife gave me sex three times in seven years.
So, I would state that she is better off than I was.
Your statement was that she had to accept a less than satisfying relationship.
No she doesn't.
Why wasn't the first option working together to fix or improve the issues?
My point was that I was willing to use negotiation to open the door. Did she?
I was willing to offer my wife supports, such as helping her on a diet, going on it with her, going to the gym together, etc. Did she offer the option of working as a team to solve the issue(s)?
Doesn't sound like it.
The guy has buried his head in the sand and thinks the issues will go away.
Get it. My wife did the same.
It's one thing to issue the ultimatum (which in my personal case I did.) It is another to lay out a path to work through the issues (which I also did.)
What is wrong with taking the best that he has to offer (even if it is 50%) and working in tandem to get things as close to 100% as possible.
Let's face it, he has some fairly serious health issues. I doubt he will ever be back to where he was in his 20's.
That happens. It's called aging.
Besides, he is supposedly a decent enough guy that she has invested 29 years with him. If he was all that horrible, would she have stuck by him that long? 
The guy needs help, no question. Where is she regarding helping him to get it?
I understand this is somewhat old school, but there are these things called marriage vows that she probably took when she got married.
They included concepts like "Forsaking all others", "In sickness and in health", etc.
I don't remember any asterisks in the agreement regarding opening things up for "Sideschlong" or "Sidesnatch" when not satiated.
Bottom line is either fix things or walk away, file and carve up the carcass of the marriage.
Because anything less is merely the race to the bottom.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> My wife gave me sex three times in seven years.
> So, I would state that she is better off than I was.
> Your statement was that she had to accept a less than satisfying relationship.
> No she doesn't.
> ...


Here's her last update. She's done her part. Not sure how much more she can do without his active participation. 

Sorry. I just don't have much empathy for OPs husband. In my mind, he's dug his grave. 



Kvboox2 said:


> Good Morning all,
> 
> I wasn't expecting to come back to 4 pages and appreciate everyone's input, comments and advice.
> 
> ...


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Lila said:


> Here's her last update. She's done her part. Not sure how much more she can do without his active participation.
> 
> Sorry. I just don't have much empathy for OPs husband. In my mind, he's dug his grave.


I just outlined what she can do in the last two lines of my post.
She has to be willing to break it to fix it.
However, she also needs to provide him a path to fix it.
But, she also has to be willing to walk..


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I'm just curious , OP if your husband agreed to open up the marriage , would you run with it. ?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Lila said:


> The saddest part is that were they to split up, dollars to donuts, her husband would be at the gym working out everyday, eating healthy and swallowing ED pills like they were candy, all in the search for sex with women who probably don't care 1/100th for him compared to his wife.


Truth ^^^^^


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yes, I know exactly what you meant. So my response was okay, but it shouldn’t come from me because of my past? I should cheer her on and say “well I had an affair you go ahead too! Yes that’s a great idea.” Or I just shouldn’t speak on the matter at all?
> 
> I don’t live in the shame of my past anymore, I’ve never condoned it and if I can help another woman or man for that matter and say, don’t be stupid as I was, then I’m going to go there regardless of your or anyone else’s call out. I get my participation triggers those scorned before my an affair.
> 
> It seems I missed an important detail however that they’ve previously talked about and open marriage. I still don’t think that’s the fix for this but that’s their choice and I have nothing further to add.


You do realize that suggesting an open marriage is not the sane as an affair, right?

I don't know that it was a good idea but it's hardly the same as sneaking around without your spouse's knowledge.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Kvboox2 said:


> I'm not leaving this all up to him. When he initially lost 20lbs he ran/walked 4+ miles with me 5 days a week and he was eating healthy but he faded back into not wanting to do it anymore. I wish I could force him to run with me or use the treadmill we bought heck he even bought weights last year that got used 3 times only but I don't want to nag.


I enjoy my time on the treadmill. I watch TV, or listen to music or other content. It can be set up in a way that makes it entertaining instead of just drudgery.

He needs an attitude of “how can I make this work.” Keep trying different things until something clicks. You can’t do it with just will power. 

We only know part of the story, though. Is he working 70 hours a week? Other issues holding him back beyond the health issues?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CraigBesuden said:


> I enjoy my time on the treadmill. I watch TV, or listen to music or other content. It can be set up in a way that makes it entertaining instead of just drudgery.
> 
> He needs an attitude of “how can I make this work.” Keep trying different things until something clicks. You can’t do it with just will power.
> 
> We only know part of the story, though. Is he working 70 hours a week? Other issues holding him back beyond the health issues?


I absolutely hate the treadmill. Been running 33 years and would rather off myself then run on the treadmill. 

Ok, maybe that’s melodramatic but I really hate it. We all have to find things we enjoy.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> You do realize that suggesting an open marriage is not the sane as an affair, right?
> 
> I don't know that it was a good idea but it's hardly the same as sneaking around without your spouse's knowledge.


Yes I realize.


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## umbluu (Jan 24, 2020)

This discussion made me think of my own rating of "wakeup calls" for this type of situations (me persistently not doing something that is important to my partner), from less harsh to more harsh (imagining me being on the receiving end of suggestions / threats / reactions)

Meaningful respectful discussion
Suggestion of open marriage (stings, but not sneaky and implies that there are some good aspects in the marriage)
Suggestion/threat of divorce (stings, bad things clearly outweigh good ones, but not sneaky and implies that there is some faith that I could get my act together if I put in the effort)
Initiating divorce
Having an affair
Using a prostitute


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> All good info. But OP isnt husbands mother so giving him this info would be “nagging”. .


well, I nagged my wife for her "addiction" to ADs, with no results. But I would at least mention it once...


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## Kvboox2 (3 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Is he on statins, then?


no the medication he takes is not a statin. He's on fenofibrate



Jimi007 said:


> I'm just curious , OP if your husband agreed to open up the marriage , would you run with it. ?


Of course not. Im not looking to boink 10 guys in a week. It would become a discussion between us with each of us meeting whoever the other person wants fool around with. I'm not looking to implode my life.



lifeistooshort said:


> I absolutely hate the treadmill. Been running 33 years and would rather off myself then run on the treadmill.
> 
> Ok, maybe that’s melodramatic but I really hate it. We all have to find things we enjoy.


No I despise the treadmill also but unfortunately when the weather's bad it's my only option to get me through the cold winter months which I hate even more. I'm lucky if I make it 2 miles before I want to get off.[/QUOTE]


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Yes, I know exactly what you meant. So my response was okay, but it shouldn’t come from me because of my past? I should cheer her on and say “well I had an affair you go ahead too! Yes that’s a great idea.” Or I just shouldn’t speak on the matter at all?
> 
> I don’t live in the shame of my past anymore, I’ve never condoned it and if I can help another woman or man for that matter and say, don’t be stupid as I was, then I’m going to go there regardless of your or anyone else’s call out. I get my participation triggers those scorned before my an affair.
> 
> It seems I missed an important detail however that they’ve previously talked about and open marriage. I still don’t think that’s the fix for this but that’s their choice and I have nothing further to add.


Yes you missed an important detail and opened uour mouth scathingly, hence my response to you. I would have criticized anyone who said the same thing, especially since they don't know what it feels like to be in OPs shoes. 

For the record, I don't support suggesting open marriage as a viable option for ANY marital problem. I imagine OP was frustrated and threw it out for any response. Quite frankly when you're with someone like that who is completely ignoring how you feel , and showing you how little your feelings matter to them , people say things they may not mean just yo get a reaction. Is it great? No, but it is better to air your feelings before taking unilateral action you can't take back.

If you want to take my opinion as judgement of you, go right ahead. I'm not triggered, it's a consequence of your actions, whether you live in the past or not anymore. Its good that you don't live in shame, however, don't disparage people who know what they're talking about, when you don't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I not sure why my last post was in bold. I didn’t do it intentionally. I’m not trying to yell.


I unbolded it for you.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

TXTrini said:


> Yes you missed an important detail and opened uour mouth scathingly, hence my response to you. I would have criticized anyone who said the same thing, especially since they don't know what it feels like to be in OPs shoes.
> 
> For the record, I don't support suggesting open marriage as a viable option for ANY marital problem. I imagine OP was frustrated and threw it out for any response. Quite frankly when you're with someone like that who is completely ignoring how you feel , and showing you how little your feelings matter to them , people say things they may not mean just yo get a reaction. Is it great? No, but it is better to air your feelings before taking unilateral action you can't take back.
> 
> If you want to take my opinion as judgement of you, go right ahead. I'm not triggered, it's a consequence of your actions, whether you live in the past or not anymore. Its good that you don't live in shame, however, don't disparage people who know what they're talking about, when you don't.


It wasn’t written scathingly. One comment was in jest about it being cold up in here. Which really was just there seems to be little grace being shown. That was my take and not yours. That’s the beauty of being an individual.

Neither of us really know except the poster and her spouse. The same could be said for you thinking you know ever last detail about my past and his terrible I am. You know what I’ve shared and I’ve been very open. Choose if you must to throw it around as ‘my consequence.’ That’s your prerogative. Glad I didn’t trigger you. If you’d like to berate me some more please feel free to message me directly before this turns anymore into a jacked thread. Or you can also head back over to my past posts and tell me this is what you get there vs. this thread.

Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I guess. I’d been through some crap in my marriage and could never have said that to my husband is all. I just can’t see doing that to a man and expecting a good outcome.


There are two sides to every coin.

I also don't see a man constantly refusing sex, not doing all he can to fix his issues, and then not even trying to satisfy her when he has sex with her as something a man can expect a good outcome for. 

If this were a man complaining about a wife who would not do what was needed to satisfy him, a lot of people on here would be telling him to tell her that he wants to open up the marriage or to divorce her. I've seen it over and over again on this forum.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Kvboox2 said:


> Good Morning all,
> 
> I wasn't expecting to come back to 4 pages and appreciate everyone's input, comments and advice.
> 
> ...


OP, thanks for updating your thread. 

So, how is your communication about other aspects on your marriage? Is he shut down on those too?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> Sometimes people can't actually fix their problems. They can't "sort themselves out". If a man is on nitrates for heart disease he cannot take ED meds. So I suppose if the old man gets heart disease at 50 plus or gets depressed because woman he has been married to for years tells him he ain't gettin the job done and she wants to "open" the marriage, just put him out with the trash. In sickness and in health are just a fancy meaningless phrase. When old age arrives with associated issues, out with the old and in with the new.
> 
> Goes both ways. Women have ailments too.


From what the OP has said, her husband has done some things to address the ED. He can get erect now and starts sex but then loses his erection. Then once she starts giving him a hand job and blowjob, he can get erect again and finish. There is a lot more going on here than her husband being ED because of physical problems. Also note that apparently, He makes zero effort to make sure she has an orgasm as there are plenty of ways that a man can do that without PIV. Her husband is turned off by sex with her, by PIV sex with her.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> It wasn’t written scathingly. One comment was in jest about it being cold up in here. Which really was just there seems to be little grace being shown. That was my take and not yours. That’s the beauty of being an individual.
> 
> Neither of us really know except the poster and her spouse. The same could be said for you thinking you know ever last detail about my past and his terrible I am. You know what I’ve shared and I’ve been very open. Choose if you must to throw it around as ‘my consequence.’ That’s your prerogative. Glad I didn’t trigger you. If you’d like to berate me some more please feel free to message me directly before this turns anymore into a jacked thread. Or you can also head back over to my past posts and tell me this is what you get there vs. this thread.
> 
> Thanks.


How kind.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tdbo said:


> I have also been in the OP's situation, just from the Male perspective.
> Your choices #2 and 3 are correct: however #1 is way off.
> Like the old song goes "You can't always get what you want......but if you try real hard, you just might find, you get what you need."
> That's what happened in my situation.
> ...


There are a lot of marriages where a compromise can't be reached because one or both of the spouses will not agree to a compromise. I experienced with in my marriage with a man who refused to do anything or even discuss the issue. Not everyone cares enough for their spouse to work on a compromise.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> There are a lot of marriages where a compromise can't be reached because one or both of the spouses will not agree to a compromise. I experienced with in my marriage with a man who refused to do anything or even discuss the issue. Not everyone cares enough for their spouse to work on a compromise.


I was in a situation that my wife was unwilling to compromise* until she had to*.
When I finally utilized the strategy that I outlined in post #83, she was pleading for "More time."
More time? I gave her 7 years to get her s**t sorted.
She had to know that I had one foot out the door and was willing to keep walking to get her attention.
She was truly stunned.
That was required for her awakening.
She finally yielded. In the next few weeks, she became aware of how much she truly hurt me. She apologized, and backed that up by making the necessary changes.
However, that worked because she is truly in love with me. She has demonstrated that since.
Is the spouse of the OP truly into her? None of us here know.
Only she can find out.
He may need some applied motivation and guidance from the OP to redirect his position.
He may come the conclusion that he's "Worth it," and wants the OP to feel the same way about him.
On the other hand, he may not have the "Warm and fuzzy feelings" about her anymore, and acts accordingly.
If that is the case, then she may need to bounce.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Ok but he IS unattractive, bad in bed and inferior as a sex partner.


I understand. When I said that it wasn’t the case here, I meant that bringing up the open relationship wasn’t going to blow up their marriage because it had already been raised before between them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tdbo said:


> I was in a situation that my wife was unwilling to compromise* until she had to*.
> When I finally utilized the strategy that I outlined in post #83, she was pleading for "More time."
> More time? I gave her 7 years to get her s**t sorted.
> She had to know that I had one foot out the door and was willing to keep walking to get her attention.
> ...


I'm glad it worked out for you. It does not work out in a lot of marriages, whether it's the husband or the wife, who is withholding sex. It's sad but not unusual.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> I'm glad it worked out for you. It does not work out in a lot of marriages, whether it's the husband or the wife, who is withholding sex. It's sad but not unusual.


Then she needs to work it to conclusion and act accordingly.
There are too many variables here.
She has two issues here: an unhealthy husband problem and a marital problem.
We don't know if he is suffering from depression, or what else is going on with him.
She needs to blow that open and see how that shakes out.
Then it should become clear how to deal with the marital problem.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

not sure if this will help - I noted this:

*"Is the spouse of the OP truly into her? None of us here know." *in a post up the page

If he isn't - how is OP to find out? I think he is not to much into her. 

Maybe this is un-Kosher thinking - but I think in a marriage each partner OWES the other a decent sex life.
Also un-Kosher thinking - they have reached some kind of agreement on what that is. In the case of this OP,
that is no longer the situation. She came here for ideas -

Per OP - their sex-life deteriorated and has been a very sore issue with her for years.

That says to me - he doesn't care. 

The solution to OP problem is with her spouse taking action. Cialis and Viagra work - I have some "in case Willy
is off his feed." Also there are "sex toys" for MEN that will assist in getting/maintaining a stiffy.

Physical conditioning - that is HIS problem to resolve. Losing the fat - ditto.

Side track (hope not a TJ) - men (my opinion) want the sex partner as depicted in Penthouse centerfold.
The majority of women won't quite make that grade. Then with age, changes in appearance (skin wrinkles/age spot/moles/scars(!) and hair color change) - so a hubby has to realize HE TOO is going to change the same way.

Seems to me as I read OP's post - she is still "into him" but him - not so much.

The risk of destroying the marriage by "open" or "polyamory" is real and carries risk of exposure to disease and
if found out by family and friends - loss of respect and maybe losing the friends and family not wishing to associate in the future. Is having an orgasm via your paramour worth it? I think not.

I'm thinking OP's husband is like a steam engine with no fireman - not going anywhere because he is so apathetic
to the idea of "hiring a fireman."

Kboox2 - apologize for not adding any suggestion for resolving your situation - sounds like you have done Yeoman's job in trying though. You husband needs some kind of motivation. Generally motivation is created either when someone wants something enough to do work to get that something or - NOT doing something results in some kind of unpleasantness.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Tiddytok5 said:



You're pressuring him to do something that he really doesn't want.

Click to expand...

*And yet when they DO have sex, the *only* one getting any satisfaction in the end is HIM.

OP, is he SERIOUSLY so damned selfish that he's letting you finish him off after disappointing you and leaving you hanging? Yeah, he sounds like a real 'great' guy. 

Expect better. This ain't it. Is 30 pounds REALLY that _debilitating_? I thought you were going to say he was 100 pounds overweight - that, I would have understood. But only 30 pounds? While it may be a bit harder to work with, it shouldn't make one impotent. My first husband used to gain 40 or 50 pounds, diet back down to his fighting weight, then slowly balloon back up again. It had no effect whatsoever on him. I know everyone is different but it's only 30 pounds, it just seems extreme.


----------



## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> And yet when they DO have sex, the *only* one getting any satisfaction in the end is HIM.
> 
> OP, is he SERIOUSLY so damned selfish that he's letting you finish him off after disappointing you and leaving you hanging? Yeah, he sounds like a real 'great' guy.
> 
> Expect better. This ain't it. Is 30 pounds REALLY that _debilitating_? I thought you were going to say he was 100 pounds overweight - that, I would have understood. But only 30 pounds? While it may be a bit harder to work with, it shouldn't make one impotent. My first husband used to gain 40 or 50 pounds, diet back down to his fighting weight, then slowly balloon back up again. It had no effect whatsoever on him. I know everyone is different but it's only 30 pounds, it just seems extreme.


Op should just leave if he chooses, accepts and wants his life to be like this. It's his life.

If he is accepting that he has a low libido, low to non existent sex drive now, a sexless marriage overweight, isn't managing his diabetes, or health, has depression and other things that he is wallowing in, etc...

If he wants this for his life now, that is his choice.

Op doesn't have to stay. She can go.

He isn't the only man in the world. .. there's billions..if she chooses this.

Some of these posts encouraging op to give ultimatums, open marriage, suggesting that op is entitled to have him meet her needs, standards, and expectations only...is a recipe for further disaster.

No one should try to "force" their standards and expectations on anyone.

If he doesn't want to have sex (clearly he isn't interested for whatever reasons (only he knows)

If he doesn't want to lose weight

Make better decisions regarding his health and life...

That's on him.

No spouse should be demanding and nagging someone to do these things for their benefit.

Again I say,

Stay and just get some toys and accept it,

Or

Just simply leave him.

Both involved need to put themselves first.

Do what's best for them individually.

An open marriage isn't the way to fix a marriage, or make your spouse feel wanted or needed.

Neither one can force the other to do anything they don't want to do.

Compromises (which are really sacrifices imo) shouldn't exist in situations like this.

There should never be anyone pressing, nagging, demanding, pressuring, manipulating, strategizing, or forcing someone to have sex with them.

No one is entitled to sex from another. No one is obligated to have sex with another.

Life is unpredictable. Change is inevitable. No one remains the same forever.

Once was, could turn into not anymore.

If op sexual desires, urges, and wants are very strong and have evolved to the point she has been suggesting an open marriage, and giving ultimatums because your spouse isn't the same as they once were, sex life isn't how it once were....

It's definitely time to leave.

I have seen similar posts from men on here, and alot of the responses, reactions and receptions are totally different...

Because they're men...


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I`ve known and know people with diabetes and it can be a horrible debilitating health problem and no easy fixes. One of my coworkers and an aunt died from diabetes 30 years ago. People with diabetes can go blind, the illness can have several debilitating affects on the body, including side effects from the medications, including with serious health issues always comes depression and why compassion and understanding should always be given to those with health disabilities.
I love my wife dearly and because I love her, I have told my wife that if I am ever unlucky enough to be struck down by some serious health problem that I do not want her to give up her life for me and to move on. I have told the same to my daughter, because if I was to become a burden or couldn`t make my wife happy, for me that would be undignified and a degrading way to live my life especially having been an independent person all my life. Better for me, better for her.
I`ve also told my wife that if I do become ill or die, I want her to find someone else and be happy, because if she`s happy than I`m happy.
My only proviso and I have made this clear, is that my wife divorces me first and not to date or sleep with other men whilst still married and I would give her a divorce with my blessing. I couldn`t endure the thought of my wife riding the carousel with other guys while we are married.
I fully understand the OP`s plight, life can`t be a bowl of cherries for her either, it`s just that I do not agree with the OP`s hard line approach with her husband. If I had a serious health problem and my wife was pressuring like that, I`d probably feel like a failure and even suicidal.
All of us live on a hope and a prayer and fear for ourselves and love ones that nothing bad will happen to us. My BiL age 67 died in Bangkok from cancer 4 months ago. He died a painful terrible death. While ill he became 100% dependent on his wife and wasn`t easy to deal with. After the funeral his wife told us she was so glad she treated him with respect and kindness and her husband can rest in peace knowing she done her best.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I don't know, if your even considering an open marriage, it would seem to me that you have already checked out on the marriage. 

Banging other men just for sex, why stay married ? 

I mean you NO Disrespect...I just don't understand the whole dynamic of OM


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

gameopoly5 said:


> I`ve known and know people with diabetes and it can be a horrible debilitating health problem and no easy fixes. One of my coworkers and an aunt died from diabetes 30 years ago. People with diabetes can go blind, the illness can have several debilitating affects on the body, including side effects from the medications, including with serious health issues always comes depression and why compassion and understanding should always be given to those with health disabilities.
> I love my wife dearly and because I love her, I have told my wife that if I am ever unlucky enough to be struck down by some serious health problem that I do not want her to give up her life for me and to move on. I have told the same to my daughter, because if I was to become a burden or couldn`t make my wife happy, for me that would be undignified and a degrading way to live my life especially having been an independent person all my life. Better for me, better for her.
> I`ve also told my wife that if I do become ill or die, I want her to find someone else and be happy, because if she`s happy than I`m happy.
> My only proviso and I have made this clear, is that my wife divorces me first and not to date or sleep with other men whilst still married and I would give her a divorce with my blessing. I couldn`t endure the thought of my wife riding the carousel with other guys while we are married.
> ...


He husband no longer has ED. It's not a problem. It seems that he simply does not want to have sex with her. He's ok with her finishing him off, but he will not do any thing for her pleasure. Diabetes, or any other illness, does not prevent him from pleasing her other ways. And if he can finish with a bj or hj, why can't he with piv?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> He husband no longer has ED. It's not a problem. It seems that he simply does not want to have sex with her. He's ok with her finishing him off, but he will not do any thing for her pleasure. Diabetes, or any other illness, does not prevent him from pleasing her other ways. And if he can finish with a bj or hj, why can't he with piv?


If that`s the case, it means the OP has good grounds for divorce, going with other men won`t solve her marital problems.
Anyway, I don`t know. End of story for me.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> We were alone and decided to have some mid day fun. I start by giving him oral and switch to me on top and *within 10 minutes he's going soft.* I stop and he starts masturbating to get hard again which he does but by then I'm defeated and taking it personally so I just finish him off with oral.


So to clarify, he stayed hard for nearing 10 minutes? People keep saying that isn't ED, which isn't true. The people saying that never had ED ( a lot of them are women). When I had ED, there were times when I would go soft after being inside for several minutes. I would sense that was losing erection and then the psychological fear of failure finished the job. I am amazed he could get it back up by masturbating, in my case at that point nothing worked.

Does he routinely go down on you? Does he ever work on you with hands, mouth, or toys? If not why not? Have you ever told him to get with that program? What you wrote is you gave him oral and then climbed on top until he went soft then gave up “defeated” but proceeded to give him oral to completion rewarding poor performance, he did nothing but lay back and enjoy. Is that correct and always the case? If he isn't pleasuring you with means at his disposal, why are you doing oral to completion on him?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Jimi007 said:


> I don't know, if your even considering an open marriage, it would seem to me that you have already checked out on the marriage.
> 
> Banging other men just for sex, why stay married ?
> 
> I mean you NO Disrespect...I just don't understand the whole dynamic of OM


Are you guys even reading OPs posts?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Tiddytok5 said:


> You're pressuring him to do something that he really doesn't want.


I think this is a really difficult matter. _Should_ someone, in marriage, do things that they really don't want to do? Because they are now part of something bigger?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kvboox2 said:


> We were alone and decided to have some mid day fun. I start by giving him oral and switch to me on top and *within 10 minutes he's going soft.* I stop and he starts masturbating to get hard again which he does but by then I'm defeated and taking it personally so I just finish him off with oral.





Rus47 said:


> So to clarify, he stayed hard for nearing 10 minutes? People keep saying that isn't ED, which isn't true. The people saying that never had ED ( a lot of them are women). When I had ED, there were times when I would go soft after being inside for several minutes. I would sense that was losing erection and then the psychological fear of failure finished the job. I am amazed he could get it back up by masturbating, in my case at that point nothing worked.


I'm not sure anyone is saying that he never had ED. I did say that it sounds like he does not have it now because she said that he can keep an erection with oral and masturbation. But he loses it when he's having PIV sex with her. Plus, it seems that he does nothing sexually for her. This last point is important because it shows that it's all about him (in his head... the one on his shoulders.)


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> I'm not sure anyone is saying that he never had ED. I did say that it sounds like he does not have it now because she said that he can keep an erection with oral and masturbation. But he loses it when he's having PIV sex with her. Plus, it seems that he does nothing sexually for her. This last point is important because it shows that it's all about him (in his head... the one on his shoulders.)


That doesn't mean he doesn't have ED. Today. Right now. It manifests in different ways at different times. I have actually had ED. For nearly a whole year after cancer surgery. On several other occasions under differing circumstances. I am a really old man so know about ED very well. And I can tell you that the psychological at least for me was a bigger deal than the physiological. I told her that he can lose his erection during PIV. It has happened to me, especially when failure happens more than once in a succession. Sometimes there isn't enough stimulation for whatever reason, things start to soften, and then the concern is "ok crap! I am losing it." And that is exactly what happens.

But, go ahead and assume what you will about him not having ED. Have you ever actually had ED??!!?? ( I know that is being silly ). This is like me a man saying a woman doesn't actually have menopause symptoms, she is just faking. I am glad my wife never told accused me of not being attracted to her because had trouble getting the thing up. 

BTW, my wife did the same exact procedure as OP, and her philosophy was if at first don't succeed try again. She would intentionally NOT complete. She never got discouraged and just quit. I would tell her, "this isn't going to work, let me just work on you". Her reponse was sometimes, "we will try again tomorrow". We kept working on things mutually. And she was totally in the loop regarding treatment plan etc, went to the urologist with me heard what was said and prescribed. I haven;t had an ED episode in about a year. And we are active 1-2 times every day. But that doesn't mean I couldn't have a problem the next time we are together.

And I didn't read OP actually SAY that he didn't use other means sexually. That is why I asked her IF that is true and IF she had complained to him about it. I saw no mention of any foreplay at all. No buildup for wither of them. Was there none? Did she want foreplay? If this was all mentioned and I missed it, my apologies

BTW, for some guys, 10 minutes erect PIV would be pretty good performance. A guy with PE would be fortunate to make half that.

A question I didn't ask is why nothing built up to her going down on him and then her climbing on. His laziness or what she wanted. I have seen women write threads on here that said they didn't care for any foreplay.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rus47 said:


> But, go ahead and assume what you will about him not having ED. Have you ever actually had ED??!!?? ( I know that is being silly ). This is like me a man saying a woman doesn't actually have menopause symptoms, she is just faking. I am glad my wife never told accused me of not being attracted to her because had trouble getting the thing up.


The OP has not said that she told him that she's not attracted to him. What she has told us is that he puts no effort into pleasuring her sexually. 

Why would a man with ED not be able to keep an erection PIV but can with non-PIV action?

And what does a man not doing anything to sexually arouse his wife have to do with ED?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> The OP has not said that she told him that she's not attracted to him. What she has told us is that he puts no effort into pleasuring her sexually.
> 
> Why would a man with ED not be able to keep an erection PIV but can with non-PIV action?
> 
> And what does a man not doing anything to sexually arouse his wife have to do with ED?


Because oral for example can be a more intense stimulation. And he IS maintaining an erection for 10 minutes! Some guys would have orgasmed and be asleep by then,

I keep trying to give my personal actual experiences. But see am wasting my time. For some reason am not believed. So ok, I give up. OPs husband is a crappy lover who doesnt have ED but is faking it cuz he is lazy and not attracted to her. OP is to be pitied and needs to just dump him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Why would a man with ED not be able to keep an erection PIV but can with non-PIV action?


Penises are strange and mysterious creatures but that is a thing,, it does happen. 

It may be odd and confusing to the outside observer but it is part of the ED/PE syndrome.

One of my wife’s play partners back in the day couldn’t get it up with a crane but when she tried to wake things up via oral, he ejaculated with 30 seconds at only half-mast and then was done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> Penises are strange and mysterious creatures but that is a thing,, it does happen.
> 
> It may be odd and confusing to the outside observer but it is part of the ED/PE syndrome.
> 
> One of my wife’s play partners back in the day couldn’t get it up with a crane but when she tried to wake things up via oral, he ejaculated with 30 seconds at only half-mast and then was done.


Ok, makes sense.

But that still does not explain why he does nothing for her sexually.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, makes sense.
> 
> But that still does not explain why he does nothing for her sexually.


So you believe @oldshirt, who never experienced ED, but not me who has. What I told you from my very personal experience made no sense, but a story about a swinger he knew does Very strange. My writing must be very opaque.

Where did she say that he did nothing for her sexually? I can't find where she wrote that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> But that still does not explain why he does nothing for her sexually.


Laziness and apathy explain that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Where did she say that he did nothing for her sexually? I can't find where she wrote that.



She did not explicitly state that he does nothing else to satisfy her.

However she did state that when he goes limp, he will basically spank himself and then she will do oral on him until he is done and then later she will take care of herself. 

That and the fact that she is so upset and resentful about it is pretty good evidence that he is not putting forth the effort to try to satisfy her. 

If he was making her eyes roll up into her head via other means, I don’t think she would have as much of an issue with it.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> The OP has not said that she told him that she's not attracted to him. What she has told us is that he puts no effort into pleasuring her sexually.


What I said was my wife never took my problems as a sign I was not attracted to her. She never accused me of having lost attraction for her. OP said "I am defeated and taking it personally so just finish him off". So she takes his problems personally, which is why she posted the thread to vent her frustrations in the first place.

I didn't see anywhere that she told him " I am sick and tired of taking care of your needs and you ignoring mine." Of course if he has a brain he ought to know that. He should have been working on his problem for the last 18 months with physicians that know how to treat these things. He should have lost 30 lb. A lot of things he should have done and should be doing.

A lot of women seem to think if a man can't stay hard for as long as it takes, it is because their husband has lost attraction to them. Read these kinds of posts on here often. That CAN be the case of course. It COULD be the case with OP. The husband COULD be spanking to porn (again) so he is actually very capable, just not with her. Or it could be his spanking has gotten him acclimated to more friction than she provides.

BUT, IMO and in my experience ED has zero to do with a man's attraction to his wife. It is usually a physiological problem brought on by age and/or disease. Which becomes psychological if it continues. So, my bet is his weight, age and physical condition has brought him to where he is.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I would guarantee he has low T and high estrogen. 
47? I was diagnosed at 37. Go to urologist and have his hormone level checked. 
With Low T, it is very hard to loose weight, you can not build muscle mass to burn the fat. Being overweight hurts T levels as fat converts much of the T he has into estrogen by a process called aromatizing. He may need an aromatace inhibitor(AI) for a while to help get T up to build muscle to burn fat.

Make this a priority! Get to urologist and get hormone panel completed. Symptoms of low T are fatigue, soft/in-ability to maintain erection, sleep more but not rested. I bet he snores, not resting well due to that also hurts his body, get a CPAP.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I would guarantee he has low T and high estrogen.
> 47? I was diagnosed at 37. Go to urologist and have his hormone level checked.
> With Low T, it is very hard to loose weight, you can not build muscle mass to burn the fat. Being overweight hurts T levels as fat converts much of the T he has into estrogen by a process called aromatizing. He may need an aromatace inhibitor(AI) for a while to help get T up to build muscle to burn fat.
> 
> Make this a priority! Get to urologist and get hormone panel completed. Symptoms of low T are fatigue, soft/in-ability to maintain erection, sleep more but not rested. I bet he snores, not resting well due to that also hurts his body, get a CPAP.


Op cant suggest this. It would be nagging and she isnt his mother. He will have to figure it out for himself.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Op cant suggest this. It would be nagging and she isnt his mother. He will have to figure it out for himself.


which is a bit ridiculous, if you ask me...


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## Kvboox2 (3 mo ago)

I just want to give a quick short update before i go out. I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said he knows it's a problem but was embarrassed to bring it up to me or a doctor. He went and a found a urologist on Monday night and called to make an appointment and another with his gp. Getting him to even say this was like pulling teeth and I still feel like the embarrassment isn't the truth but that may be just my insecurities with the situation. He really didn't understand why I was upset about the situation and taking it personally since it's him going soft. That's a whole other issue that I'm gonna tackle at another time. We went to counseling before and another round at this point may be worth it.


Not having him get me to the finishing line is partially my fault cause when this happens I don't really want him touching me because I'm upset about the situation but I do care about not making him feel like enough and instead of stopping there I just finish him off and stew In my anger which I know isn't smart.

For now I'm going to put a halt on my initiating sex and leave that ball in his court for when he feels ready. I'm just going to wait to see what the doctors say and give him some time to want to try and remedy the issue.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I know if my wife said that, myself knowing I had issues that were affecting the marriage, that I was not trying drastically to fix, that this statement would be her warning me that it is a dire situation and the house is on 🔥. Get off your ass and fix it!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wonderful! Some progress! Working together! Happy you are working the issue as a team!

FWIW a LOT of men are embarrassed about this kind of stuff, dont talk about it with ANYONE. Not me. He needs to work the problem and you have reiterated its importance. Best to the both of you!

BTW, he ought to educate himself about ED and male hormones. There is a lot of info online. And here on TAM! The mens clubhouse helped me with Info about HRT and dialogue with other men on here having the same issues. That is actually what drew me to TAM to begin with, searching for info about Testosterone deficiency in older men. I knew had a problem but sometimes Cialus nor Viagra would have any effect. If I had listened to my GP telling me my T was normal (for my advanced age) would still be having trouble with ED.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Why would a man with ED not be able to keep an erection PIV but can with non-PIV action?


In adult movies, the male performer often starts to lose his erection during during PIV. They switch to fellatio, she fluffs him back up, and they resume PIV.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I know if my wife said that, myself knowing I had issues that were affecting the marriage, that I was not trying drastically to fix, that this statement would be her warning me that it is a dire situation and the house is on 🔥. Ge


Jimi007 said:


> Open marriage....So really it's all about sex.
> 
> Don't you think if you F$ck other men you are going to build à connection with them and leave your husband anyway ?
> 
> Maybe you should just D and spare your husband anymore embarrassment 😳


Sounds to me like it is about her hubby not giving a crap about her or their marriage . The only embarrassment he should have is his failure to get off his ass and address the problem, which is probably nothing more than Low T.

To me a spouse that is not willing to go to the ends of the earth to correct an issue they have that affects their marriage relationship in a detrimental way, don't really give a crap about their spouse.

There are 2 camps, one that sex is just a feel good activity they like doing.

Other are those that sex is how the emotional bond that holds the marriage together is maintained. 

When there is an issue that affects the sexual relationship and the other spouse refuses to address and fix the issue, they are basically telling their spouse that they do not give a crap about them or the emotional bond they have.

Someone from camp 1 could not even begin to understand how camp 2 feels emotionally. Seems to me hubby is camp 1 and wife is camp 2. It is best if campers stay within their own camps with relationships, so they are on same page with how important the sexual relationship is between them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Kvboox2 said:


> Not having him get me to the finishing line is partially my fault cause when this happens I don't really want him touching me because I'm upset about the situation but I do care about not making him feel like enough and instead of stopping there I just finish him off and stew In my anger which I know isn't smart.


What you are doing is not just not smart, it is maladaptive and causing greater problems. 

Losing weight and getting viagra will probably help, at least for a time. 

But it is not going to “cure” him and will not transform him into some kind of stud horse. 

There is also likely some psychological and relationship factors also contributing to the perforce issues as well which weight loss and ED meds will not fix. 

My suggestion is to seek professional sexual therapy to help you understand the syndrome better and to learn to not use his erection as your self esteem measuring yardstick. And therapy would also help both of you learn not only more constructive coping skills for the times he doesn’t rise to the occasion, but also for learning other activities and techniques to satisfy you so you aren’t left frustrated and angry. 

You’re both in this together and will take understanding and coping skills and effort to deal with it constructively. 

Sex therapy can help with that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> My suggestion is to seek professional sexual therapy to help you understand the syndrome better and to learn to not use his erection as your self esteem measuring yardstick.



I need to differentiate and clarify that sex therapy and NOT marital counseling will be beneficial to you.

Sex therapy will help you both better understand the complexities of ED and how to better cope and adapt to when that occurs. 

Marital counseling will most likely not directly address the ED or sexual coping strategies but would most likely focus more on how you are each pi$$ing each other off and will try to get him to do more housework and laundry and you to do less judging and less complaining of how he does the mopping and how he folds the laundry. 

MCs and sex therapists have different perspectives and different focus on issues and how they impact the individuals and couples.

MC see sex issues as coming from relationship issues and think if the relationship issues are worked out, that the sex issues will fix themselves. They will make you sit and explain what makes you each mad at the other and will coach him to do more housework and you to do less judging and less complaining. 

A sex therapist will address the sexual issues directly and as this is a physiological sex issue and likely the root of whatever relationship issues are taking place then the first step is to address the medical issues by seeing a urologist to address the medical issues.

Then next step to see a sex therapist to address the sexual issues and learn more constructive coping mechanisms for when there are performance issues.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Kvboox2 said:


> For now I'm going to put a halt on my initiating sex and leave that ball in his court for when he feels ready. I'm just going to wait to see what the doctors say and give him some time to want to try and remedy the issue.


I wouldn't stop initiating. He will feel there's something off and this might interfere with his progress.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Expect better. This ain't it.


So when men complain about infrequent sex, the men are selfish jerks. When women complain about infrequent sex, the men are selfish jerks.... I see a theme...

Seriously, the dude has a medical problem... and we all know it ain't 30 pounds causing it. Should he be more proactive about it, for sure.

He should thank his lucky stars he has a wife that is interested... I would foresee this being a very fixable situation if he talks to the right doctor.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> I just want to give a quick short update before i go out. I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said he knows it's a problem but was embarrassed to bring it up to me or a doctor. He went and a found a urologist on Monday night and called to make an appointment and another with his gp. Getting him to even say this was like pulling teeth and I still feel like the embarrassment isn't the truth but that may be just my insecurities with the situation. He really didn't understand why I was upset about the situation and taking it personally since it's him going soft. That's a whole other issue that I'm gonna tackle at another time. We went to counseling before and another round at this point may be worth it.
> 
> 
> Not having him get me to the finishing line is partially my fault cause when this happens I don't really want him touching me because I'm upset about the situation but I do care about not making him feel like enough and instead of stopping there I just finish him off and stew In my anger which I know isn't smart.
> ...


I know your husband has issues to deal with, but he has to make those changes. You can control what you do and I don't think you are handling this anywhere near as good as you could. Maybe it is because you are frustrated, but to me you sound like you have zero patience and little compassion for him. You say you are angry, but at the same time you are concerned about making him feel like he isn't enough. Why are you angry at him for losing his erection? 

Also, not initiating is a mistake too, IMO. You want sex with him, so how exactly does not letting him know you want sex get you what you want? You should be telling him sex with him is important to you and you want to work with him to meet both your needs. Ask him to finish you off and stop doing it yourself.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> My suggestion is to seek professional sexual therapy to help you understand the syndrome better and to learn to *not use his erection as your self esteem measuring yardstick*. And therapy would also help both of you learn not only more constructive coping skills for the times he doesn’t rise to the occasion, but also for learning other activities and techniques to satisfy you so you aren’t left frustrated and angry.


@Kvboox2 , this suggestion sure seems like a very good one. You mentioned doing marriage counseling again, if not mistaken sex therapists are just Marriage Counselors with additional qualifications to help couples deal with sexual issues. The counselor might even have some expertise about psychological aspects of ED and how to deal with those.

I have no idea how a person finds a sex therapist. Maybe @oldshirt or someone else on here has links to locate one or more in your area.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Kvboox2 said:


> I just want to give a quick short update before i go out. I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said he knows it's a problem but was embarrassed to bring it up to me or a doctor. He went and a found a urologist on Monday night and called to make an appointment and another with his gp. Getting him to even say this was like pulling teeth and I still feel like the embarrassment isn't the truth but that may be just my insecurities with the situation. He really didn't understand why I was upset about the situation and taking it personally since it's him going soft. That's a whole other issue that I'm gonna tackle at another time. We went to counseling before and another round at this point may be worth it.
> 
> 
> Not having him get me to the finishing line is partially my fault cause when this happens I don't really want him touching me because I'm upset about the situation but I do care about not making him feel like enough and instead of stopping there I just finish him off and stew In my anger which I know isn't smart.
> ...


I'm glad he finally came around. Some things we deal with will be embarrassing, but you've been together for so long. Hopefully, he keeps his word and you guys work this out. Counseling is still a good idea, you two sound like you need to address your communication and trust issues. Stonewalling a partner is a surefire way to alienate them.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years.
> 
> In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.
> 
> ...


Sorry to hear this. If you tried therapy, deductions, romance and he Is still a dud.
Get out of the marriage. Life is too short.
I tell men if she don't put out get out. I'd day the. Same, if HE, HE don't put out tou get out.
Set rules, 2x a week, and every 2 weeks one has the the responsibility to seduce one another.
Read up on Dr. Gottman and proper care and feeding of marriage by schlessinger.
Good luck. Don't br afraid to speak up on mutual needs, fear will stop communication.
Speaking about it opens intimacy


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I know if my wife said that, myself knowing I had issues that were affecting the marriage, that I was not trying drastically to fix, that this statement would be her warning me that it is a dire situation and the house is on 🔥. Get my crap straight or else.


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## MarriedGuy45 (2 mo ago)

Kvboox2 said:


> Don't know where to start but here it goes. My husband and I have been having some sexual issues for awhile now. I've become the one who wants it more frequently and I feel he is happy with 1-2x's a month. This has been going on for years.
> 
> In January of 2021 I told him that it's unfare to me that my sexual needs are not being met and if he's unwilling to go to a doctor to get a physical then I feel that we should open up our marriage. He ended up going and finding out he's pre-diabetic, has high cholesterol and is very overweight which he and I knew he was. The doctor told him lose the weight and the diminished sex drive should fix itself. Fast forward he did lose 20lbs over a few months and we were having sex every week. But come July the bad habits returned and now coming up on almost 2 years from the initial talk were back at 1-3xs a month. Except now we can start and he has a full erection during oral but once we start having sex he goes soft even with my on top.
> 
> ...


You’re not alone, same situation here, very frustrating


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## Kvboox2 (3 mo ago)

Wanted to update everyone. As my husband's urologist told him we will get you an erection and he did just that. He prescribed him 50mg of Sildenafil which is working. He also had some blood taken for which he'll see how that is when he goes back in January. We're still struggling with lack of desire and consistency of more than once every 4-6 days but I'm hopeful things will improve. We had a talk about desire and frequency after his visit and he says he wants to have sex more but his actions to now say other. He's trying and I may need to lower my expectations to fit what works for him right now. 

Which leads me to this question how to go about showing/saying I want sex without pressuring him to feel like he needs to take a pill when he's not in the mood and doesn't want to? Anything I can try to entice him?

The other day in the car I was getting feisty with him and told him if he was going to smack my ass tonight and give me a good pounding and all I got was hope so. After that I figured I showed him, I'm interested but left the ball in his court for initiating since I don't want to set him up and initiate and he isn't prepared. But it led to nothing happening that night

I appreciate all the replies, suggestions and comments i received before this update. Been extremely busy with restructuring our business and family and hope to contribute more to the forum once things slow down after the holidays.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> Wanted to update everyone. As my husband's urologist told him we will get you an erection and he did just that. He prescribed him 50mg of Sildenafil which is working. He also had some blood taken for which he'll see how that is when he goes back in January. We're still struggling with lack of desire and consistency of more than once every 4-6 days but I'm hopeful things will improve. We had a talk about desire and frequency after his visit and he says he wants to have sex more but his actions to now say other. He's trying and I may need to lower my expectations to fit what works for him right now.
> 
> Which leads me to this question how to go about showing/saying I want sex without pressuring him to feel like he needs to take a pill when he's not in the mood and doesn't want to? Anything I can try to entice him?
> 
> ...


Very good news. Seems like you are at least heading in the right direction. 

One thing for sure, if you want sex, then initiate. If you try the strategy of letting the lower drive person initiate you will be in for a big disappointment. The Sildenafil takes care of the erection, but to a large degree hormones control the desire. It will be interesting to see how those tests work out for him. 

Here are some good articles about initiating that I think may be helpful. 









Being more skilled at initiation - Uncovering Intimacy


Do you use skillful initiation in your marriage? Don't know? You might want to check out this post to see if you can improve how you initiate sex.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com












Scared of Initiating Sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Are you scared of initiating sex? Get rejected too often, and now it hurts too much to initiate regularly, or with confidence. Here's a solution.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kvboox2 said:


> Sildenafil which is working.


What does this mean? It works sometimes but not others? Not reliable?



Kvboox2 said:


> We're still struggling with lack of desire


Has his testosterone been checked? The sildenafil will only work if he is aroused. If he isn't aroused, sounds to me like a low sex hormone level. Or psychological problems?



Kvboox2 said:


> I want sex *without pressuring him* to feel like *he needs to take a pill when he's not in the mood* and doesn't want to?


I am sure he full well knows you want sex. Without you doing or saying anything. He knows well enough he isn't fulfilling your needs now for quite some time. Maybe he is depressed about THAT. Thinking he will never be able to meet your needs. So at least subconsciously he is already under pressure without you saying a word. A man who "doesn't want to" has either mental and/or physical problems that viagra isn't going to fix reliably. And a guy who WANTS to do the deed has no problem using a pill every day if that is what it takes to get the equipment working.

If his hormones become appropriate for a sexually active male, he ought to be wearing you out.

Excuse me, I forgot that his weight and general health are an issue. That probably is a bigger barrier than he appreciates. Fat produces estrogen, besides decreasing energy and vitality. Unfortunately, this is something only he can address, he must want it for himself.


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