# Submissive men



## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Is it possible for men whose preference in bed is to be a submissive to a woman to have a happy long term relationship. Following the lore of this forum I think that this is extremely rare or even unsustainable. The arguments are:

a) Women are naturally submissive and both biology and society expects men to show leadership, dominance, aggression.
b) In my personal experience, women who have a strong dominating personality usually pick men who are the same as them.
c) The foundation of woman sexual desire is feeling of respect and admiration both of which are difficult to retain if a man submits to her on a regular basis.

I have joined few BDMS sites out of curiosity and everywhere I look I've seen a lot of submissive men and very few dominant women who are in it for fun.

So, are submissive men totally screwed or what?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the variability in human personality is so broad that just about anything you can think of can work given the right two people get together.


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## Edmund Falcon (Aug 6, 2013)

It's unnatural for men to be submissive to women, just as it's unnatural for dogs to fear cats. Trying to reverse roles leads to unhappiness and psychological damage to both parties. There's nothing wrong with mixing things up once in a while but making it the norm isn't a good idea.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I don't consider myself submissive. Nor do I consider my husband submissive either. We both are very laid back calm people who try to enjoy life as much as possible.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I don't consider myself submissive. Nor do I consider my husband submissive either. We both are very laid back calm people who try to enjoy life as much as possible.


This.

I don't see the need to continue trying to define my SO as anything other than the right man for me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One thing which has always bothered me about the different ways men or women are sexually dominate in a D/s relationship is that when the man is the D, is actions are very focussed on actually bringing the maximum pleasure and satisfaction to the s woman.

But, the D women seem to be all about hurting, punishing, humiliating, abusing the submissive male. It seems its very selfishly all about the D woman and her using the abused male for her pleasure.

And that's seems very messed up to me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In my marriage we willingly submit to each other.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

To continue,

In Fifty Shades, the guy is entirely focused on the girl. He trains her, he pleasures her, he takes her to new heights. Of course women read that stuff and love it - they basically get a super rich guy whose whole existence becomes focused in the girl and her ultimate pleasure.


If the book had been written with the roles reversed, it would have been a three book series on how the powerful rich woman slowly step by step broke, tortured, emotionally scarred the man, and would likely be told as a back story on why the guy was locked up in a mental hospital.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> To continue,
> 
> In Fifty Shades, the guy is entirely focused on the girl. He trains her, he pleasures her, he takes her to new heights. Of course women read that stuff and love it - they basically get a super rich guy whose whole existence becomes focused in the girl and her ultimate pleasure.
> 
> ...


I personally find that book sickening on multiple levels.Not because I have an issue with doms/subs but because of the point you just made along with a few other things that aren't pertinent to the current topic.

The writing sucks too which doesn't help The female is so empty and vapid it makes me cringe.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the variability in human personality is so broad that just about anything you can think of can work given the right two people get together.


This is too politically correct. Some combinations are very rare.



Shaggy said:


> And that's seems very messed up to me.


You're missing the point. The whole dom/sub thing is about taking control. In general men are those that take control in bed and women respond really well to that.

I want to know is it possible to have those roles reversed permanently in a relationship. I'm not asking about switching roles which is common I think.

Has anyone been in such a relationship or heard about it. A happy long term relationship where woman has control seems like a bigfoot. It's possible but I haven't seen it yet.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Of course there are LOTS of relationships like what you are describing. And of course it can work. I know a few personally. You wouldn't know from looking at these couples that the M is sub and the F is domme, but what they do behind closed doors might shock some people.

In my marriage, my H and I are both pretty switchy.

I could (and have) easily pulled on the full out domme femme fatale gear and have walked the walk...it is great fun!

On the other hand, I like being the bottom sometimes, too.

My H is just zany and is always up for anything. 

Stranger...none of this matters though if your wife isn't into what you are asking about.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Google "Under Her Thumb".

Search around a bit, there is a website. 

It is something similar to "Taken In Hand".


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

PS...I know one woman personally who literally puts her man on a leash, and they sometimes go out in public like this, in vinyl and leather wear.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

My wife says that she discovered long ago that I am not what is considered to be an a "alpha male". Even in my professional career, whenever I had been promoted to positions of leadership I usually just can't hack it and am usually happier and more effective being directed as simple worker bee. 

She on the other hand is great leader and has held high positions in management for various companies. So we mutually agreed that in our relationship would be most effective if she was in charge of major decision making and planning. Like any good manager she is always open to my suggestions and input and like any good employee I respect her authority and accept her decisions as the "final word".

Maybe that makes me less of a man or would be a turn off to most of the women on this forum but all I can say is that it works for us.

We don't engage is the BDSM lifestyle at all. The bedroom is the one arena where she seems to want to be a tad bit submissive and have take a more dominant role(she like being bent over and pounded, have her pulled a bit, mild spanking) but overall we are both eager to please each other in a very mutual caring way.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> PS...I know one woman personally who literally puts her man on a leash, and they sometimes go out in public like this, in vinyl and leather wear.


Ah, yes, I saw a couple do this at an outlet mall once. I'm sure it was hot for them. Not so hot for the rest of us in the mall.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

I think there are less submissive guys than women...or at least less who will ADMIT to these kinds of desires because most men want to be seen as tough and macho, even if sexually they would prefer to be subs. And I think that more women prefer to be dominated rather than submissive because women like to feel to an object of desire. Plus, women are supposed to be feminine and aggressiveness is not seen as feminine. I think it's partly physical and partly cultural.

So I think if you are guy who wants to be submissive sexually you either have to find a woman who is really into being a dom (hard) or find a woman who loves you and is willing to indulge you whether she gets into it or not. 

Personally, I have more submissive tendencies but it's fun to be in charge sometimes. I wouldn't like if I had to fill this need all the time, but as a part of a good relationship I don't have a problem with being dominant. I think that a guy who wants a full time submissive relationship or can only have sex when he's being dominated could find it hard to find a women who wants that all the time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah I'm not a fan of wearing fantasy sex gear out in public....but was just saying....I do personally know one woman who is like what Stranger was asking about. Her habits are pretty far out there, but she IS madly in love with her submissive man. Love is what it is.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I personally can't stand very aggressive women. It's almost like they're trying to prove something or make up for a lack of something.

My wifee is the passive one and I am the more get things done initiator and you could say aggressor. And she likes that because she always asks me, what would you like, or what should we get or should we talk about this later, etc.? So I lead, take charge and be a man. She likes that. If I was passive, I don't know, never got things done, never too the initiative I know over time that wouldn't over well for our marriage.

Everyone is different.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, everyone *IS* different. So why bash on submissive men and agressive women? :scratchhead:


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

I'm not sure what being submissive has to do with getting things done. I get way more accomplished with my wife guiding and directing my energy. She handles the money in our relationship and since she took over we are able to save and have more fun better vacations where when I was trying to be in charge and "be the man" things were constantly in chaos financially. I would make poor decisions and we would both suffer the consequences. I am the bread winner but she manages the bread.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am the one who manages our finances.

I am the one who grocery shops.

I am the one who does all the landscaping, watering and fertilizing jobs.

I am the one who does what I say I will do.

I am the get things done guy.

I am the initiator and aggressor then.


My wifee on the other hand is the opposite and I guess a part of me likes this because it gives her a break from work.


There is a woman at my shop that is extremely head strong, aggressive, doesn't listen to anyone, she's never wrong even when she is wrong, basically God's gift to our shop and everyone says she runs the shop and laughs (behind her back), always snooping into what everyone is doing, etc. 4 ft 11 at 125 lbs. Insecurity complex? I've thought about............a few times already, big breaths, goose frabba........ There's another 5ft tall old lady in our complex and she is similar and then there's my ex gf and she was about 5ft and the same.

I think submissive men need to learn to be men and lead, take the initiative and be somewhat aggressive and take care of their women. My wife likes this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TheStranger said:


> This is too politically correct. Some combinations are very rare.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Actually the D/s thing is also about gang up control. Taking control is the easy part, putting your complete trust into another person and getting aroused by it is harder in my opinion.

Personally I like aggressive women, they can be lots of fun. 

It's the more traditional dominatrix chicks that I have the issue with. A good spanking can be fun, but only to give pleasure, never to get pleasure from.

The fifty shades is total tripe because the idiot in the book, can do no wrong sexually with the shallow girl. If he got sick and threw up on her, she'd be writhing in pleasure.

If he told her those pants did make her look fat, she'd be panting with desire and need.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

TheStranger said:


> Is it possible for men whose preference in bed is to be a submissive to a woman to have a happy long term relationship. Following the lore of this forum I think that this is extremely rare or even unsustainable. The arguments are:
> 
> a) Women are naturally submissive and both biology and society expects men to show leadership, dominance, aggression.
> 
> ...


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I do personally know one woman who is like what Stranger was asking about. Her habits are pretty far out there, but she IS madly in love with her submissive man. Love is what it is.





Cosmos said:


> Not if they find a woman who likes submissive men.


This is what interests me. Who likes submissive men? What attracts such a woman to a submissive male? What drives her desire to have sex with him? Can you shed some light, Faithful Wife?


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> I think submissive men need to learn to be men and lead, take the initiative and be somewhat aggressive and take care of their women. My wife likes this.


It's like asking guy men to be straight IMHO.

I do believe that a lot of nice guys who come here sex starved have submissive tendencies.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Lord Summerisle said:


> I am the bread winner but she manages the bread.


This is good team play where everyone play to their strengths. If it's working then great job both of you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What attracts both sides to these types of relationships is the "pretend" power play.

No one really has that type of dominance over another person. But we do have dominance over ourselves. To pretend to allow another person to dominate you is fun, for boys AND girls, and it uses the dominance you have over yourself in a sexual manner. Likewise, to pretend to have dominating power over another is also fun. You do NOT ever truly have this power, but you do have the power over yourself to give yourself the permission to pretend this way.

It is fun because it literally cannot be true. Therefore, to pull on that kind of all out pretend mode, surrounded in sexual feelings, is very exhilarating, mainly due to the sheer mental will power involved in pretending that completely.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I personally can't stand very aggressive women. It's almost like they're trying to prove something or make up for a lack of something.
> 
> Everyone is different.



Being sexually submissive or dominant is not the same thing as being submissive or dominating out of the bedroom. The stereotypical sub guy is the guy who is a CEO or someone who has a lot of control IRL. Just because you want to give up control in the bedroom doesn't mean you want that outside of the bedroom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> This is what interests me. Who likes submissive men? What attracts such a woman to a submissive male?


I really can't imagine.

I think role play is a very different thing altogether, because that is pure fantasy, and I know of several men who like to be spanked, handcuffed and 'whipped,' but in their everyday life they're very dominant. If a woman was attracted to men who were submissive by nature, I doubt very much that they would be attracted to these men!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> *In my marriage we willingly submit to each other.*


I'd have to say this is How our marriage is, it's true that I have a more "take charge" assertive Personality over my husband though and He LOVES LOVES LOVES me coming on to him...and I am thrilled I don't have to act "subtle" to turn him on. 

BUT he has no interest whatsoever in S & M...a couple yrs ago I bought a book on it, for pure curiosity....  Sm 101: A Realistic Introduction: Books 

The 1st thing I looked up was "*Erotically Dominating a Submissive man*", I started reading the steps to him one night ... 



> 1. Order him to strip & kneel at your feet
> 2. Order him to call you Mistress or My Lady & he must remain silent unless he is asked a question or we give him permission to speak
> 3. Order him to keep his eyes down, he is not allowed to look at your face unless given permission
> 4. Collar Him. This is your ownership.
> ...


 When we got to the "collaring him part"... we started roaring....He told me flat out he is not that submissive... but we sure had a good laugh that night!


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

TheStranger said:


> This is too politically correct. Some combinations are very rare.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There are truly 50 shades of sub\dom

Take my backwards no-go-forward situation:
-My H prefers to be the one "tied up" playfully, told what to do, he wants the woman to initiate, and he has NO interest in being dominant in that "way". 

IMO it's an ego thing. And related to confidence. It's not truly submissive like you were speaking of. 

That has nothing to do with sex, actually. A female dom won't have sex with a sub. 

The same is not true for a male dom. Sex is the end goal.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

I think it depends greatly what you mean by the word dominance in practice.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

deejov said:


> Take my backwards no-go-forward situation:
> -My H prefers to be the one "tied up" playfully, told what to do, he wants the woman to initiate, and he has NO interest in being dominant in that "way".


Interesting. Do you enjoy dominating him or would you rather that is the other way around?



> That has nothing to do with sex, actually. A female dom won't have sex with a sub.


Why? I know that pro dommes usually have no-touch policy but we're talking about committed realationships



camillaj said:


> I think it depends greatly what you mean by the word dominance in practice.


The woman is in the control of sexual encounter. It doesn't really matter if it's only regular sex or it's whips and chains.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> It is fun because it literally cannot be true. Therefore, to pull on that kind of all out pretend mode, surrounded in sexual feelings, is very exhilarating, mainly due to the sheer mental will power involved in pretending that completely.


I'm not sure that I understand your post. I'm having difficulties with the word pretend.

I'm talking about men who are submissive by nature and giving up the control feels natural. There is no pretending there. 

There are many, many women out there that love being 'taken' by their man. There is no pretending there, they genuinely like giving him control and they wouldn't like it the other way around.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Cosmos said:


> If a woman was attracted to men who were submissive by nature, I doubt very much that they would be attracted to these men!


Why do you doubt? I think it's natural that they would be attractive to these men.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

I'm not a submissive man but that doesn't mean there aren't submissive men with dominant wives in positive, happy relationships. I'm not gay either but there are certainly many happy gay couples. Simply because one is not of a certain personal persuasion or preference or tendency does not mean others can't be of an entirely different, even opposite nature and lead lives quite as happy as anyone else.

My innate personality feels completely natural to me. I've never felt anything but the straight, hetero, dominant male. But I also don't deny, indeed accept, that others may be of an entirely different personality that feels just as natural to their being.

Bravo to submissive men, whether in the bedroom or the boardroom. Bravo to dominant women whether in bed or in banking. What a boring world this would be without them.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

ummm I know a lot about BDSM world and a lot of this info is wrong 50 shades is not even remotely close to what it is about. The relationship of bdsm that people keep forgetting is that the sub's are willing. They want to be told what to do they get o** on it. That is the part people don't understand, (and I'm one of the people to a degree) it is mutual thing it's not just someone doing harm or doing kinky stuff to one another there are different levels of it. Some like to inflict pain, some don't, some like to share, some don't, the sub themselves have a limit as well of what they are willing to do. Nothing is done to the sub without their permission once they submit. there are rules, boundaries, etc etc. It is way more complicated than that. And not all of it is sexual it could be as simple as chores, etc. It's not cut and dry like that which is the major misconception you can't have this argument because they don't think this way at all it's not part of the "norm"
I know and have a few friends who have been involved in this life style for years...many years. Interesting, not my cup of tea but I do know a lot about this world and what it is about just like anything else everyone has their limit.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Maneo said:


> I'm not a submissive man but that doesn't mean there aren't submissive men with dominant wives in positive, happy relationships.


Those relationships are possible but I haven't seen them so far. I have been on this boards for a few months and I have never encountered a happy relationship where woman is the dominant one. 

My argument why those relationships are exceptionally rare is because women in principle are not attracted to a submissive male whether they are submissive themselves or dominant.

I think that most 'nice guys' that come here asking for help in their marriages have submissive tendencies. The advice they receive always goes against their nature. They are advised to be the dominant spouse. Books that are recommended here are written for guys to suppress any submissive notion in them and to become assertive, strong willed and dominating.

I know that works because woman do not get attracted to an submissive men and this is the point that I'm trying to make. Role reversal doesn't work long term and men with submissive tendencies are in a bad position relationship wise.


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## camillaj (Aug 3, 2013)

TheStranger said:


> The woman is in the control of sexual encounter. It doesn't really matter if it's only regular sex or it's whips and chains.


I am a woman and half the time in control of my sexual encounters.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I think that men who have been raised by a single or divorced mother without input from a father figure often end up being "submissive".
Of course he can easily snap out of it if he finds he has married a cheating woman and he has to deal with that.


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