# What would being intimate often do for you?



## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

I am gearing this question toward the men:

If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
How might that type of frequency affect how you feel as a man? 
Would you value her in a different way?

This is assuming the quality was average-high. I am not talking about if she was reluctant...Only willing and enthusiastic! : )

Think about how that would impact you...

Thank you!


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

confidence 
full love tank
sleep better
A sore Johnson!!!!

I also think too much of a good thing would eventually be taken for granted!

For the record I can't believe I just typed that as a younger man I would never have even hinted at such a statement. But as a mature man(some might disagree) I think there can be too much of a good thing which would/could diminish the lovemaking to routine, or less passion etc.


But as a young man it would have helped me not resent my wife for turning me down or putting sex as such a low priority.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

chillymorn69 said:


> I also think too much of a good thing would eventually be taken for granted!
> 
> For the record I can't believe I just typed that as a younger man I would never have even hinted at such a statement. But as a mature man(some might disagree) I think there can be too much of a good thing which would/could diminish the lovemaking to routine, or less passion etc.


I agree. The tendency is there for everyone to take things for granted, especially during youth. I was as guilty of it as the next guy.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

I'm in my 40s and my wife and I are dealing with decreased libido (associated with increasing aches and pains, work/life imbalance and raising adolescent children) so I would actually be suspicious of any overt sexual initiative. I'd rather smaller physical expressions of love (holding hands, hugs while passing, laying her head on my shoulder as we sit on the couch) that shows that she's invested in my feelings and as a side benefit could hint at the possibility of unhurried sex when the moment is right.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I feel loved, and desired. I feel happy, contented, and very lucky to have such a wonderful, loving wife. Life is good, and I have a high level of optimism. There is no taking this for granted, even after 17 years. This high level of quality sexual intimacy is something we both value and enjoy.

This is in stark contrast to my ex, where the marriage was essentially sexless. I was unhappy with her, our marriage, and my future. Enough so that I eventually got smart and divorced her.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It would make me happy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


While a general increase in "enthusiastic frequency" is rather significant, the dynamics of sexuality in a long term relationship are a little more complex than that. 

In some relationships sexuality is all about a power exchange between couples. Outside the bedroom perhaps the husband is very dominant and controlling, while inside the bedroom he likes to be dominated and controlled by an extremely confident wife. Or vice versa. A sudden increase in enthusiastic frequency may alter the ecosystems that keeps the power exchange between a couple balanced in a way that is very satisfying and drive both forwards in life. 

While I hate to say it, if my wife enthusiastically gave it to me everyday, I'd likely loose some respect for her and stop pursuing her romantically. Perhaps I'd be happy in the short term, but in the long run it would push us apart because we would have become too close. Desire needs a little distance!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

It would totally change my outlook on myself, her, our marriage, and life itself. I would be more energetic, more productive at work, happier, and more fun to be with. There is NOTHING else that my wife could do for me (alone or in the aggregate) that would in any way, shape or form come close to having the same impact on my satisfaction with our marriage.

Now, many would say that shows a flaw and weakness in my character: that I place so much emphasis on sex. Guilty as charged. And I am sure that my excessive reliance on sex for validation is a big part of the reason my wife does NOT provide frequent enthusiastic sex.

But if you are asking "my husband told me it would have an enormous impact on his confidence, vitality, energy, happiness, and more, but I am suspicious - is that possibly true or is it just a line to get into my pants?" Well, there is no guarantee that it IS true, but it quite possibly could be true. Only one way to find out. If it works and he becomes a better version of himself, win-win for both of you. If it doesn't work and it was just a line to get into your pants, well, I am sure you can think of a suitable form of revenge for his duplicity. If you are even remotely considering doing it, you should. Might as well take his complaint off the table and dare him to make it up to you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


loved
appreciated
(more) confident

And the end result would be me giving her more of what she needs/wants, thus resulting in her feeling more loved, appreciated and confident.

Therefore, stronger marriage.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

"Dare him to make it up to you." He won't be able to. But it will be fun to watch him try.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I wanted to add, I've said as much to my wife over the years, but to no avail. She "gets" it, understands the logic behind it, yet never acts upon it. For me, it's a win-win. For her, it's clearly not important. She likes the marriage the way it is just fine, and has said so. Perhaps this means I spend too much time on her needs, I don't know. She does seem content. The other thought was that this is perhaps the best relationship she's ever had (it's certainly the longest), therefore it's very good, in comparison. Which is likely true.

Couple that with her general lack of interest in sex, and there you have it. No real need to go that extra mile, as it were.

I realize this is my fault, and I've accepted it. I'm not (yet) willing to do a 180, as I actually am not confident she wouldn't just leave, rather than acquiesce. It's a personality trait of hers... that "**** you don't manipulate me" gene. I respect it, but at the same time it's a pain in the ass...!





alexm said:


> loved
> appreciated
> (more) confident
> 
> ...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It would make all the difference in the world to me. To feel loved and desired every day???? That's something I've never had and probably never will.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I can't even picture my wife being willing and enthusiastic to have sex. That's more than my mind can handle.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


It would make me feel very loved. It would cause in me a burning desire for her. It would make it easier for me to want to pamper her. It would relax me and help me feel strong.

This is a very depressing thread.:frown2:


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I know you are asking men, but from my point of view regarding (almost) daily sex means NO arguing, being good to each other, patience, better parents, taking time to look good for each other, thinking outside the box to stop sex from becoming boring, non sexual intimacy is now the norm, lack of jealousy and increase in trust, better sleep, anxiety infrequent to non existent. 

It is NOT perfect but it is considerably better for us both.


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## urf (Feb 18, 2017)

The concept of synchronicity comes to my mind. Intimacy in long term relationships produces a common thought pattern/ The offshoot of synchronicity is, among other things intimacy as desired.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

First of all, I'd have to do a background check to make sure that it's really my wife. Seriously, I'd be a hell of a lot happier - be a spring in my step, etc. As it stands, three times in five years is about as good as it gets in our house.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


I guess I must be one of the few "lucky" ones who already has that kind of frequency. I honestly can't remember any time in our 20+ year marriage where we didn't ML at least 4 to 6 times a week, except when there was an illness or surgery. Sex is not always "earth shattering" but it is always good.

I am almost always positive about life in general. I don't worry about much. I sleep good (but probably not enough). I get very horny often...>:grin2:


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


My life always felt so much better when sexual intimacy was frequent, felt content, energized, loved and just much happier person. I like how you did not make it just PIV since I get same satisfaction from all acts listed above.


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject! 
I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage. 

I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
I feel like we get distracted and forget how much we love being intimate. 
I do love it, but just don't think about it as often as I should. 

I notice when we do it, he seems waaay more likely to cut me slack afterward and is in a lighter mood. 
On the flip side, if we go too long, he'll be feisty, punchy, pick little fights etc..almost every time that happens, I take note that we haven't gotten it on for a while. 

Amazing the difference it can make. 

I have to say though, he is equally at fault for us not being frequent because it's not as if he is trying and I am turning him down. 
It's just his laziness, I think. He rarely says to me- hey, it's been a while, I need to connect with you. He NEVER wants to appear weak. 
If he brought it up more often, or approached me more often, we'd be much more sexually active: )
I like for him to feel fulfilled and happy!


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

This seems like a rhetorical question. LOL.
Some of my best relationships had sex daily or every other day. I was with a woman once that had an insatiable sex drive. I never thought it was possible to have too much sex until her. I literally got bored of sex after a while thinking "can't we have a little downtime once in a while?" Now I kind of understand how the LD feels in a relationship. All things considered, I still appreciated it

Anywho... it seems to have only a positive impact on the relationship based on my experience. It's hard to be fighting with someone you want to be having sex with, or are having sex with. Also, I think sometimes people feel taken for granted when their SO doesn't want them enough. There is always flirting and a sense of being wanted, and you always look forward to being with them. You also don't need to discuss you relationship as much as actions are speaking instead of words.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

We went from once a week/every other week sometimes to every other day. This occurred because the last kid moved out in October. The increased intimacy has led to a more loving relationship, and what we are referring to as a honeymoon period. It all just sort of happened. We just fell back into our frequency and duration that we had before kids (and/or trying to make kids). I do not know how long this will last. I hope it lasts until the day I die. We are in the best physical shapes of our lives and we are acting like a couple of horny teenagers, only we are in our 60's and the next morning, I sound like a bowl of Rice Krispies (my bones and joints go SNAP CRACKLE POP)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He may feel embarrassed at having to ask, or maybe you have turned him down in the past. Maybe in order to enjoy sex he needs to feel that YOU want it, and are not just doing him a favor. 

You can find the answer to how he feels. Start having sex frequently. Drag him off to bed every other evening for an hour of passionate sex - skip your favorite TV show or whatever else you normally do. Go of your way to please him in bed - I bet he reciprocates. Try it for a couple of months See what happens. My bet is that you will find that you are both much happier. 

Seems like very little to lose and maybe a lot to gain. 


Don't do what my wife has done on several occasions of trying to "fix" our sex life by having frequent sex - then getting bored and tapering it off after 2 weeks as if I wouldn't notice. 




Angeline said:


> Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
> I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.
> 
> I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


*I would think that it would hopefully unbridle unfettered intimacy and put a quietus to a lot of built up tension... and in my book, that's a good thing!*


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Angeline said:


> Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
> I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.
> 
> I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
> ...


My H and I have the same dynamic and frequency as you. I also notice his moodiness if it's been too long - sometimes I can be objective about it and make sure we take care of it later that night, other times I find it greatly irritating, like dealing with a tantruming child, and it is a turn off. I guess it depends on what else I've got going on mentally at that moment as to whether I have patience for the game or not. He's also sickeningly sweet to me the next day...truthfully, I don't like it! It feels very fake. So the next day things are always a little awkward. He's very clingy and chatty and I'm very suspicious that it's a little too over the top, so I tend to distance myself a bit until he's finished with that behavior. I like seeing that side of him, but the fact that it only comes out when he's recently been laid feels like he's purposefully withholding that side of him that he knows I like in some kind of tit for tat game. I don't want to be treated differently unless it's genuine, and unfortunately I don't feel that it is. 

My natural drive is for once every two weeks or so. It's just who I am for the last several years. 
I've got some medical problems that can cause me to be sick for extended periods of time (several weeks to a couple of months). Flares, I guess. I have a full time job and we've got young kids so during those times all of my energy goes into simply making it through those commitments and by the time I get home I am completely useless. During those times sex may take a bit of a dive (maybe every 3 weeks instead of every 2). 

My H also never initiates but I think he's more wary of my illness and not being able to predict how I might feel...so I don't fault him for waiting for me to start things. I do know he would like me to initiate a lot more frequently than I do. But since it's up to me we tend to just settle into my natural desire level.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What feels like tit for tat to you may be a sign of his being relaxed and happy - and feels in love. The affection after sex may be how he naturally feels and if so and you don't respond well, it may go away someday and not come back. 

The upswings and downswings may be replaced by a general detachment, love replaced by an efficient arrangement of shared chores and assets. 






kag123 said:


> My H and I have the same dynamic and frequency as you. I also notice his moodiness if it's been too long - sometimes I can be objective about it and make sure we take care of it later that night, other times I find it greatly irritating, like dealing with a tantruming child, and it is a turn off. I guess it depends on what else I've got going on mentally at that moment as to whether I have patience for the game or not. He's also sickeningly sweet to me the next day...truthfully, I don't like it! It feels very fake. So the next day things are always a little awkward. He's very clingy and chatty and I'm very suspicious that it's a little too over the top, so I tend to distance myself a bit until he's finished with that behavior. I like seeing that side of him, but the fact that it only comes out when he's recently been laid feels like he's purposefully withholding that side of him that he knows I like in some kind of tit for tat game. I don't want to be treated differently unless it's genuine, and unfortunately I don't feel that it is.
> snip


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

uhtred said:


> What feels like tit for tat to you may be a sign of his being relaxed and happy - and feels in love. The affection after sex may be how he naturally feels and if so and you don't respond well, it may go away someday and not come back.
> 
> The upswings and downswings may be replaced by a general detachment, love replaced by an efficient arrangement of shared chores and assets.


You may be right. I feel nothing from sex - no different than at any other time - so for me observing his moods it seems like a lot of game playing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It makes a huge difference for some people, none at all for others.

I don't know how you can know for sure that he isn't playing games. Is there anything to suggest that he isn't just acting on how he feels?




kag123 said:


> You may be right. I feel nothing from sex - no different than at any other time - so for me observing his moods it seems like a lot of game playing.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

m00nman said:


> I'm in my 40s and my wife and I are dealing with decreased libido (associated with increasing aches and pains, work/life imbalance and raising adolescent children) so I would actually be suspicious of any overt sexual initiative. I'd rather smaller physical expressions of love (holding hands, hugs while passing, laying her head on my shoulder as we sit on the couch) that shows that she's invested in my feelings and as a side benefit could hint at the possibility of unhurried sex when the moment is right.


This.

We spent four full days in Washington DC. At the end of each day, after 27,000 to 30,000 steps, I could barely crawl back to our hotel (I'm 57). Sex? Not when I'm near death  

Such actions give one great incentive to move forward and really do their best to keep the relationship going. They hold promises of things to come and memories of things past.

It boggles the mind that such obvious things aren't as obvious to many people.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

john117 said:


> This.
> 
> We spent four full days in Washington DC. At the end of each day, after 27,000 to 30,000 steps, I could barely crawl back to our hotel (I'm 57). Sex? Not when I'm near death
> 
> ...


We did that last month - fantastic weather in DC! The Hirshhorn was great, and we walked miles around Georgetown. And had sex every day.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> He may feel embarrassed at having to ask, or maybe you have turned him down in the past. Maybe in order to enjoy sex he needs to feel that YOU want it, and are not just doing him a favor.
> 
> You can find the answer to how he feels. Start having sex frequently. Drag him off to bed every other evening for an hour of passionate sex - skip your favorite TV show or whatever else you normally do. Go of your way to please him in bed - I bet he reciprocates. Try it for a couple of months See what happens. My bet is that you will find that you are both much happier.
> 
> ...


*After having read that, all that I can really say is: "Oh, how I'd absolutely love to have my 'snap' and 'crackle' 'popped!'"*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angeline said:


> Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
> I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.
> 
> I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
> ...


Some people for whatever reason have a very difficult time initiating sex in relationships. I would strongly recommend you two schedule intimacy once a week, but at the same time try and both make an effort so that it happens naturally and use the scheduled time as a backup plan for when you both get too busy. 

If you do this the two of you can invest time and energy into nonsexual intimacy with one another without any fears of rejection since sex is already scheduled. You can enjoy more hugging, back rubs, and playful conversations with one another. Perhaps that will naturally lead to physical intimacy happening all on its own, but if not you know that the two of you have some time set aside. 

I think the average couple has intimacy about twice a week, even some of those that are considered very sexual.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Sex 101. Sex releases the hormone Oxytocin, sometimes called the cuddle hormone. Its purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. Therefore more sex means a deeper emotional bonding. This is why sex is so important in a marriage. Oxytocin is the same hormone that bonds a mother to a child.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Angeline said:


> Thank you all for sharing your thoughts/feelings on the subject!
> I know it can be a difficult thing to think about. I appreciate knowing more about how a man works so that I can work on things in my own marriage.
> 
> I am trying to be much more aware of how my actions, or lack thereof, affect my husband. We will go sometimes 2-3 weeks in-between any sexual contact..we both will comment that it's been a long time and ask eachother why we don't do it more often.
> ...


Are you the one in your relationship that always initiates sex?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Did you do 30,000 steps a day tho? At 57? That's around 14 miles walking per day. Maybe at 40-45 I had enough energy...

We saw the Hirshhorn too - not impressed, the main exhibit lady apparently enjoyed sex as much as my wife (let's see who gets THAT)...


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

john117 said:


> This.
> 
> We spent four full days in Washington DC. At the end of each day, after 27,000 to 30,000 steps, I could barely crawl back to our hotel (I'm 57). Sex? Not when I'm near death
> 
> ...


Exactly. I'd rather have my feet rubbed. I suspect my wife would too - but from what I hear it's different for women. >


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

kag123 said:


> You may be right. I feel nothing from sex - no different than at any other time - so for me observing his moods it seems like a lot of game playing.


I very much doubt it is game playing. To him, it is very real. When you have sex, he feels closer and more connected to your emotionally. When you don't have sex, for him the connection weakens. Since you do not react to sex this way, his reaction seems artificial to you. To him, it is natural.

I feel compelled to say the following even though you may dislike reading it: defaulting to your naturally desired frequency when you know he wants more is very selfish of you. You are forcing him to conform to your preferences and priorities. Even though you know his are different. You could be gracious and generous and loving toward him. But you are not. Look, I know life with a job and small kids is no picnic. You are pulled in a thousand different directions and you never have time or energy to get everything done and relax. the "to do" list is literally endless. Still and all, you are depriving your husband. And telling yourself in part that it is for the good of the kids. When in fact the single best thing you can do for your kids is maintain the strength of your marriage. 

And make no mistake, forcing him onto your desired frequency is weakening your marriage. Thinking you can do that for 20 years and have a strong bond is foolish. After all your effort to raise your kids, if you end up receiving divorce papers the day your last kid leaves home, a big part of your parenting effort will have been for naught. I can't tell you how many of our friends and neighbors are getting divorced when the last kid leaves home. Not saying it will happen to you. But something to think about when you are planning your schedule for the week.

One last thing: if you do have a chronic health condition that prevents sex from time to time, that means you need to add extra sex to the mix when you feel OK. If you want to average once a week, but every 3 - 5 weeks you have to skip a week or two, then some weeks you need to have sex twice or even 3 times (OMG is that even possible?!?!?) to end up averaging once a week for the year.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

john117 said:


> Did you do 30,000 steps a day tho? At 57? That's around 14 miles walking per day. Maybe at 40-45 I had enough energy...
> 
> We saw the Hirshhorn too - not impressed, the main exhibit lady apparently enjoyed sex as much as my wife (let's see who gets THAT)...


Probably not 30,000 steps; more like 8-9 miles for the day. The Hirshhorn was mixed - some stuff we thought didn't qualify as art, yet other stuff was truly sublime. The collection has many pieces from artists the philanthropist supported, and he supported a wide range of things. The buildings it's in were interesting, though. I'm 62, so not much older - and we did take breaks to rest and refuel, and she'd take a long soak in the Jacuzzi before going out for dinner. Perhaps our priorities are just different.


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though. 
He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night. 
Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing. 

For example, he was already in bed as I was getting into my pajamas and I said I still need to turn the light off- which means I have to walk across the room- he mentioned something about me doing it topless, so I did, but kept my back to him, being shy, but playful about it. 
Then he said to just be aggressive. I asked him what that looks like to him and he flat out said it looks like a blow job, lol! I laughed and then that was that...we kissed goodnight and I am right now realizing that was probably him wanting another night of steamy pleasure, like the previous night...but I totally wrote it off. Damn. 

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am in such a habit of listening with one ear when he starts making sexual comments. Not because I am against being sexual though...I don't know why?
I always take what he says with a grain of salt because, now that I really think about it, he does flirt a lot and make suggestive comments, so I suppose I am in the habit of just playing it off..never fully dismissing him though.
I flirt back, but I don't consciously see those things as his way of telling me he is interested in being sexual with me...sometimes it's not that, it's justvflirting mid-day, which is good! I like that too: )

Anyway, I think talking about it doesn't arouse me the way touching me does. It *can* if he does it in a really sensual way...especially if he is also looking at me at the same time, like wants to devour me; )

Normally, talking is fun and playful, but it doesn't get me going like a soft touch on my thigh or him slowly kissing my neck would. 
I guess, too often, his words fall on deaf ears...yikes. That sounds terrible!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Holdingontoit said:


> I very much doubt it is game playing. To him, it is very real. When you have sex, he feels closer and more connected to your emotionally. When you don't have sex, for him the connection weakens. Since you do not react to sex this way, his reaction seems artificial to you. To him, it is natural.
> 
> I feel compelled to say the following even though you may dislike reading it: defaulting to your naturally desired frequency when you know he wants more is very selfish of you. You are forcing him to conform to your preferences and priorities. Even though you know his are different. You could be gracious and generous and loving toward him. But you are not. Look, I know life with a job and small kids is no picnic. You are pulled in a thousand different directions and you never have time or energy to get everything done and relax. the "to do" list is literally endless. Still and all, you are depriving your husband. And telling yourself in part that it is for the good of the kids. When in fact the single best thing you can do for your kids is maintain the strength of your marriage.
> 
> ...


It's interesting to me that women (speaking broadly here) who rightly so point to hormonal changes for mood swings never give me the same courtesy. Nope game playing.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> I very much doubt it is game playing. To him, it is very real. When you have sex, he feels closer and more connected to your emotionally. When you don't have sex, for him the connection weakens. Since you do not react to sex this way, his reaction seems artificial to you. To him, it is natural.
> 
> I feel compelled to say the following even though you may dislike reading it: defaulting to your naturally desired frequency when you know he wants more is very selfish of you. You are forcing him to conform to your preferences and priorities. Even though you know his are different. You could be gracious and generous and loving toward him. But you are not. Look, I know life with a job and small kids is no picnic. You are pulled in a thousand different directions and you never have time or energy to get everything done and relax. the "to do" list is literally endless. Still and all, you are depriving your husband. And telling yourself in part that it is for the good of the kids. When in fact the single best thing you can do for your kids is maintain the strength of your marriage.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the input. My H does not want sex just for his benefit. He only wants it if I want it too (read: I am naturally in the mood before I even approach him). If there is any hint that I am doing it just for him - to keep ticking some frequency checkbox - he shuts it down. He knows me and knows my true desire level, so can tell when I am not in the mood. (There's also the "tells" like he can tell I'm not actually wet and so on.) 

So we are at this stalemate, partly of his doing.

Luckily, both of us believe in divorce! I've always told him if you ever want out - hand me the papers and I'll sign em! Same the other way around. Whether that happens next week, ten years from now or never...who knows. Neither of us are in it against our will though. If he gets sick of it he knows he can get out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Angeline said:


> Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
> There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though.
> He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night.
> Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing.
> ...


Do you ever just want it? Are you afraid to have those feelings? Primal ones? I think you would be better served to develop those feelings in yourself (for him). Then trying to read all his signals. I am sure he would greatly appreciate this. Ever think of letting yourself go to them *with him*. I mean he is your husband, if you can't do that with him who can you do it with. Do you tell him what you want? Or better yet do you demand what you want? Try it sometime.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Please don't take this badly but you may be hurting him far more than you know. 

He makes a suggestive comment, or something to imply he wants sex. You seem to respond positively - go turn off the light topless etc, but then reject what he actually wants. 

My wife does this to me, and the teasing followed by rejection really hurts. She will go along with flirtatious actions / comments all evening, then not actually want any intimacy. It would be far better if she just told me up front that she wasn't feeling like anything sexual that evening. Otherwise I'm left trying to consciously ignore any flirting she does in order to avoid being hurt / rejected later. 

This leads to the poisonous situation where I don't "trust" her flirting. Too often she flirts, I get interested / excited, only to be rejected. I develop a defense where I will play along if she flirts, but deep down I protect myself, don't let myself really believe that it means anything. So when we do have sex, I'm always starting out with the expectation that I will be rejected. Rather than a natural build-up to passion, its play-acting with my defense up, and it makes the entire experience far less enjoyable. 

It teasing - not the good sort, but the bad sort where you pretend to throw a ball for your dog to catch, but don't really do it. 


Of course this needs to be a two way street. Be sure he knows what arouses you, that for you the kisses on the neck mean a lot. He may not realize the thinks that matter to you, but if he knew, he might be happy to do them. 









Angeline said:


> Actually, I'd say he probably initiates more than I do.
> There are many times when it's a mutual initiation though.
> He just did, 2 nights ago: ) It was a really good night.
> Then last night, we were getting in bed later than usual and I brushed his suggestive comments aside...BUT the good news is that I am becoming more aware of how I do that. I do it a lot, I am noticing.
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Please don't take this badly but you may be hurting him far more than you know.
> 
> He makes a suggestive comment, or something to imply he wants sex. You seem to respond positively - go turn off the light topless etc, but then reject what he actually wants.
> 
> ...


Does she outright reject you or do you look for her to make the first mood. When she turns out the light do you call her on it? Why not. "Hey, what was all that about if you are not going to follow through? Why are you sending me mixed signals?"


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If this was to me, she outright rejects if I start anything. She will say something to the effect of, "I was hoping to [have sex], but I [standard excuse]*, lets try tomorrow" 

where [standard excuse] is one of: got tired, have a headache, stayed up too late, had to finish some work, needed to do some [random chore], etc. All really mean "I don't actually feel like it now", and I think even she isn't sure why she doesn't feel like it. 





sokillme said:


> Does she outright reject you or do you look for her to make the first mood. When she turns out the light do you call her on it? Why not. "Hey, what was all that about if you are not going to follow through? Why are you sending me mixed signals?"


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

I have been honest with my husband before about when I am truly tired. At times, that is well before bedtime, if it's been a hectic day...NOT because I didn't want sex though! Never thought he might relate the two. 
Recently I started becoming aware of the fact that he seemed deflated if I said it..so I decided I'd let him know that even though I am tired, it doesn't mean I am *too tired* for action: ) He seems to like that confirmation. 

I DO feel the need for him sexually on my own at times, yes. Usually for a good 5 days or so around ovulation and again a few days leading up to my period....and also during my period sometimes. 
Other than that, I don't really feel a big natural drive for it. 
BUT, if he gets me started, I am always happy and enthusiastic about connecting. 

One reason I hesitate to initiate for myself is that, the few times that I have, he has not stayed fully hard. (We're both 39, but this has happened over the course of a few years..no health issues.)
I noticed that almost every time I try to initiate, things go downhill during, for whatever reason. 
I try to act cool about it and make it a non-issue, but inside I'm thinking, ****! He must really not be comfortable with me starting it off. Also, I figure that, since he obviously HAS to be hard to have actual sex, I'll just wait until he comes to me for it next time.
Only he knows when he is really ready. 
Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.

In those instances, when things don't go as we hoped, we've moved on to other things that didn't involve penetration, but to be honest, I would rather end the session after I see he isn't into it. He tries to be into it still and I know he's probably a little embarrassed when it happens, and I get it.
But in my head I am thinking, hmm, I must not be doing it for him right now, which kills my arousal....and my drive to initiate again.


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

Also, to answer a few other questions..I do not often tell him what I want. I am afraid of how that feels. 
During sex, I show him what I like and he goes with it..but anytime I talk about something, it just gets nowhere.
Example...We figured out a way for me to orgasm during oral, (which I could NEVER do before,) so I have brought it up a few times since it happened but nothing. 
Going down on me is a rare thing here
And I am clean and neatly taken care of down there. 
Might be a power thing. Ugh. 
Could be why I laugh off the bj comments.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You sound fun.

My wife and I have had sex almost every day of our marriage. I admit the last few years I have orgasms only a few times a week, but I make sure my wife continues to have several every day. Such is life in the sixties.

My wife has initiated sex less than a handful of times in our 43 years of marriage. I remember she once told me she thought she was seducing me by simply failing to say no. My wife has never said no to sex. But it's always my job to get things going and make things interesting. It works well for us, and kept us both happy. 

I assure you, a week without sex and I know I would be climbing the walls and ready to rip people's heads off. When I was young, in my forties for instance, two days without would put me on edge. The mood change was pronounced and very real. The only way to soothe my nerves was a good hour workout with my wife. Sex keeps me happy. In my opinion the same is true for my wife, too. Well, except she never gets upset or anything. She does get happy, though, for sure.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angeline said:


> Only he knows when he is really ready.
> Even if I am not 'ready' per se, I can still accomodate him...if HE'S not ready, then no sex is happening. So I feel it's up to him, for the most part.


 @Angeline you should spend some time discussing this exact topic with your husband. I think the two of you (particularly him) may be struggling with goal-driven sex in that he feels compelled to have an orgasm each time. 

While many people like to think that man are ready to go at the drop of a hat, we are not. We only appear that way because we have been wanting and thinking about it for a day or more in a way that cultivates enough sexual energy that lovemaking can happen instantaneously and an orgasm will be imminent regardless of how we are stimulated. If you approach your husband while he is not in this state, it would be easy for him to get some performance anxiety as he discovers reaching his own climax is not effortless and now requires some finesse which can easy throw him off his game and make him feel very self conscious (resulting in loss of erection). 

*So what you should try with your husband is to initiate lovemaking for the goal of NOT having an orgasm.* If you are aroused and want to have one, be playful about this challenge with him. Let him try and make you fail at this challenge, and likewise you can do the same for him. This will do a multitude of things. #1 it will shift focus on a stronger emotional connection during lovemaking. #2 your husband will no longer have any anxiety about feeling compelled to reach his orgasm. #3 your husband will enjoy feeling your body respond to his and he will enjoy being playful to make you "fail" this challenge (same vice versa). #4 if you don't have orgasms you likely really enjoyed bonding and have started cultivating sexual energy to make the next time even more enjoyable. #5 if one or both of you fails this challenge and has an orgasm, well then that makes "failure" into something fun and enjoyable as opposed to something that will leave you feeling self conscious or sad. 

*You should also discuss with your husband the idea of each of you learning to enjoy a one-sided experience.* This is where one person admits up front that while they are not exactly in the mood that he/she would still enjoy pleasing the other. This will drastically change the dynamics of lovemaking, because both of you will understand that both of you are focused on making the experience the best it can be just for one of you, and you can BOTH work together to accomplish exactly that. Sometimes these experiences are beyond what can be imagined because the person in the mood does not have to preoccupy themselves with their partner and can enjoy selfish pleasure, and their partner giving pleasure will can actually end up enjoying this just as much if not more than the one receiving (sounds strange, but there is happiness in making your partner happy). It takes a lot of work on one's self confidence to learn to enjoy being the receiver of this pleasure as you have to feel you are worth it, but this is an area of self development that will take you places!

Hope that helps, 
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

An erection is not necessarily a good indication of how aroused he is. Of course his level of interest in sex will vary, so he may just be starting out hornier when he initiates than when you do - doesn't mean he doesn't want you to initiate. 

Its possible though that he doesn't like you initiating as much - I think the only way to know is to ask him. There is so much variation between people. 






Angeline said:


> I have been honest with my husband before about when I am truly tired. At times, that is well before bedtime, if it's been a hectic day...NOT because I didn't want sex though! Never thought he might relate the two.
> Recently I started becoming aware of the fact that he seemed deflated if I said it..so I decided I'd let him know that even though I am tired, it doesn't mean I am *too tired* for action: ) He seems to like that confirmation.
> 
> I DO feel the need for him sexually on my own at times, yes. Usually for a good 5 days or so around ovulation and again a few days leading up to my period....and also during my period sometimes.
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is very unfortunate and new information. 

It sounds like you are trying your best to do what he wants but he is not reciprocating. If you enjoy him giving you oral, he should be doing it frequently - since I assume you are willing to do the same for him.

He doesn't know how lucky he is. My wife finds it almost impossible to tell me what she wants, so every time is a guessing game - I do something and she either lets me continue or tells me to stop. Turns into a endless series of little rejections. 






Angeline said:


> Also, to answer a few other questions..I do not often tell him what I want. I am afraid of how that feels.
> During sex, I show him what I like and he goes with it..but anytime I talk about something, it just gets nowhere.
> Example...We figured out a way for me to orgasm during oral, (which I could NEVER do before,) so I have brought it up a few times since it happened but nothing.
> Going down on me is a rare thing here
> ...


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

It drives me crazy when guys won't go downtown on their woman. I would love to be able to, but my wife won't even let me look at her vagina, much less touch it with my hands or go down on her. Hasn't since our kids were born. At this point in my life (35) I'd rather my wife have an orgasm than myself, but she is not interested. 

I'm not awful at it or anything, either. She used to enjoy it, as did previous girlfriends before my wife.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

podiumboy said:


> It drives me crazy when guys won't go downtown on their woman. I would love to be able to, but my wife won't even let me look at her vagina, much less touch it with my hands or go down on her. Hasn't since our kids were born. At this point in my life (35) I'd rather my wife have an orgasm than myself, but she is not interested.
> 
> I'm not awful at it or anything, either. She used to enjoy it, as did previous girlfriends before my wife.


Depression? Low self esteem? Anxiety? All these things are detriment to sexual confidence. Bathe together and get her really, really relaxed. Use candles (start with on small tea light and build it up as she gets confident) and coconut oil all over and especially down there.. it gives us confidence.


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

peacem said:


> Depression? Low self esteem? Anxiety? All these things are detriment to sexual confidence. Bathe together and get her really, really relaxed. Use candles (start with on small tea light and build it up as she gets confident) and coconut oil all over and especially down there.. it gives us confidence.


She says she just has hang ups about sex that she needs to work through to get over. It's been the same cycle for about 2 years, our sex life will fall into a rut of her basically letting me nail her, but she makes no effort to even pretend to enjoy it. The goal is for me to get in, do what I need to do to get off, and then leave her be. I complain and voice my dissatisfaction with this, she gets mad because I'm putting too much pressure on her. We reach a mutual agreement, have decent sex for about a month or so. No oral sex, I've stopped asking. Then something will happen; she'll get sick, kids will get sick, she'll have a busy week, she'll have her period, and then before we know it, 2 weeks have gone by, and the momentum is gone, back to square one.

I've decided that I'm tired of groveling, pestering and begging for sex like some pathetic teenager. Actually, I had a better sex life with my high school girlfriend, which is a pretty depressing thought. But I'm done pestering her for duty sex, which neither of us really ends up enjoying anyway. For the time being, I need to just figure out how to accept this. She is 31 and I'm 35, so we're still pretty young. I will not divorce her, I will not cheat on her, and I'm certain she's not cheating on me (I've researched the matter thoroughly). I really think sex has just become a chore to her, another thing on the to-do list. I will not be THAT anymore. Other than sex, we actually do have a pretty great relationship. I love her and think she's the most beautiful woman, she's a great mother and wife.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Familiar and depressing. Don't expect it to get better. Someday you will be 55 like me, not 35. Be sure that your 55 year old self will be happy with the choices you make now. 




podiumboy said:


> She says she just has hang ups about sex that she needs to work through to get over. It's been the same cycle for about 2 years, our sex life will fall into a rut of her basically letting me nail her, but she makes no effort to even pretend to enjoy it. The goal is for me to get in, do what I need to do to get off, and then leave her be. I complain and voice my dissatisfaction with this, she gets mad because I'm putting too much pressure on her. We reach a mutual agreement, have decent sex for about a month or so. No oral sex, I've stopped asking. Then something will happen; she'll get sick, kids will get sick, she'll have a busy week, she'll have her period, and then before we know it, 2 weeks have gone by, and the momentum is gone, back to square one.
> 
> I've decided that I'm tired of groveling, pestering and begging for sex like some pathetic teenager. Actually, I had a better sex life with my high school girlfriend, which is a pretty depressing thought. But I'm done pestering her for duty sex, which neither of us really ends up enjoying anyway. For the time being, I need to just figure out how to accept this. She is 31 and I'm 35, so we're still pretty young. I will not divorce her, I will not cheat on her, and I'm certain she's not cheating on me (I've researched the matter thoroughly). I really think sex has just become a chore to her, another thing on the to-do list. I will not be THAT anymore. Other than sex, we actually do have a pretty great relationship. I love her and think she's the most beautiful woman, she's a great mother and wife.


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Familiar and depressing. Don't expect it to get better. Someday you will be 55 like me, not 35. Be sure that your 55 year old self will be happy with the choices you make now.


For some reason, this little piece of advice really hit me hard. I needed to read this. I'm 35 now, and my kids are only 3 and 5. I really do love their mother, and at this point I'm nowhere near breaking up my family because of sex. Wife is pretty stressed out right now with college, and life in general is crazy with 2 young kids. I get it, but I'm starting to realize that life is always stressful. There's always going to be a reason to not have sex if she wants to find one. My plan right now is to just see how things progress, and re-evaluate when I turn 40. I refuse to go the rest of my life without a satisfying sex life, but for now, I don't have much of a choice.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I've been married 30 years and its never really gotten better. Our situation is a little different, my wife doesn't want any sort of sexual activity when she isn't in the mood. We have a long discussion and she makes an attempt for a while but something always comes up. I eventually realized that she wasn't making excuses, but honestly didn't understand why she didn't want sex, she just didn't. 

Your situation won't improve. Your kids will be in the house for another 15 years, and it will never be a good time to divorce. Then you will find that you have been married for 20 years, and won't be able to abandon the wife that you love. Having lived that way for so long, it will feel to her like you are divorcing her because she is old - even though that is so far from the truth. 

You can live like this if you want, and if you have the right sort of personality, you can have a very happy life. Just don't live your life waiting for this to get better. 







podiumboy said:


> For some reason, this little piece of advice really hit me hard. I needed to read this. I'm 35 now, and my kids are only 3 and 5. I really do love their mother, and at this point I'm nowhere near breaking up my family because of sex. Wife is pretty stressed out right now with college, and life in general is crazy with 2 young kids. I get it, but I'm starting to realize that life is always stressful. There's always going to be a reason to not have sex if she wants to find one. My plan right now is to just see how things progress, and re-evaluate when I turn 40. I refuse to go the rest of my life without a satisfying sex life, but for now, I don't have much of a choice.


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

My wife seems adamant that her desire for sex will return. She has actually shown me articles she has looked up, how to overcome low libido and sexual aversion, how mothering young children destroys a woman's sex drive, and I've seen similar articles in our search history. She seems to think that her sex drive is coming back, and it might. 
But what if it doesn't? 
And if so, when? 
Next month? 
Next year? 
10 years from now? 
What if by then I suffer from ED or something? These are the thoughts that crowd my mind. I try to not be a pessimist, but as you say, I really don't think my wife's sex drive is going to return. Maybe counseling could help get to the bottom of her sexual aversion, or maybe the counselor will just tell me to quit being such a horny bastard and leave the poor woman alone. I truly do believe my wife loves me 100%, but sex is just not a priority to her. She would never agree to an open relationship... she freaked out when I went to a strip club for a friend's bachelor party recently (I was well behaved and stayed out of the VIP room, FYI). 

My busiest time of year is coming up, work wise. I'll be pretty preoccupied with work from now until about mid-July. My plan is just focus on work, and being a good husband and father, and not pester her for sex and see how she reacts. I'm sure she won't even notice, or will be relieved, but we'll see.


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## Hidden Gem (Apr 2, 2017)

Together for 25 years, Married for 16

My wife and I have had a relatively platonic relationship for the majority of our relationship. Although, I totally enjoy sex, I never pushed it because I had horrible role models growing up. My choice of previous sexual conquests/partners confirmed that I wanted more than sex.

So I met my wife and she was a virgin in her mid 20's and she actually liked me and spending time with me. She was an overall good girl and it was refreshing. Fast forward...

We married after 8 or so years and sex didn't seem important. Maybe I just accepted it. Maybe I chose her for my wife because I knew she wouldn't cheat on me.. Abandonment issues growing up!!!! IDK! 

So on to the OP's question:
I've been self-employed for over 15 years now. Looking back over my career, the most successful year was when we were trying to get pregnant. At that time, I felt loved, desired, and wanted. We were having sex every night and I was getting really good at it. It seemed as though my wife actually enjoyed sex, and I felt confident for the first time since those previous relationships. I felt like a man!

Then it died after the birth of our daughter.

Another great year was when we were trying to improve intimacy in our marriage. I think my wife was really trying and I had that same feeling as I did when we were trying to get pregnant and I had a banner year Financially.

The last several years have sucked. She told me then that she has always thought of me as a friend and not a sexual romantic partner and only had sex so I wouldn't leave. The last three years have been the worst years financially and psychologically for me.

I hate that I base my confidence on sex and intimacy. I hate that when all intimacy died, my business started tanking.

I know there are many single successful rich men out there who aren't having sex, so I can't blame the lack of sex. Part of me feels that I'd be happier divorced. I am working on the financial logistics of that. 

When we were having mutually satisfying sex, I was able to hold my head up high, had a great attitude, and I kept a smile on my face.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Sex and intimacy makes all of life's other problems seem less important and easier to deal with together.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

toblerone said:


> Sex and intimacy makes all of life's other problems seem less important and easier to deal with together.


Y'all need to learn how to compartmentalize a bit better..

Sent from my Moto G (4) using Tapatalk


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Probably!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

In my marriage it would have given me the extra snap to my step to enable me to meet her requirements. My ex was pretty demanding (ironic given that she expected me to be easy-to-please). The way I work is that I really am happy to go the extra mile for someone, at least occasionally. But consistently stepping up and going "beyond the call of duty" takes energy; if a lady expects this of me, then she needs to be ready to give back.

In my case, she didn't, so I stopped caring so much, and it was downhill from there. Her matching my effort by providing sexually would have prevented that cycle.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


Lol, you watch too much porn. A lot of what you are talking about are not things that occur outside of porn sites or letters to Hustler.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Todd

Vaginal, oral, and manual sex happen often. Some women like anal, although I don't like anal myself

I assure you all of it was going on without videos and magazines. I participated in it before I saw videos or read stories about such things. Just because you aren't adventurous doesn't mean other people aren't.


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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Todd
> 
> Vaginal, oral, and manual sex happen often. Some women like anal, although I don't like anal myself
> 
> I assure you all of it was going on without videos and magazines. I participated in it before I saw videos or read stories about such things. Just because you aren't adventurous doesn't mean other people aren't.


Yeah there are gross people out there. I am aware.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> Yeah there are gross people out there. I am aware.


Judge much?

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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Judge much?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


It's not hard to judge people who do objectively disgusting things because they aren't disciplined enough to control animalistic urges. I mean, come on. Some of this stuff is just way beyond the pale of acceptable sexual behavior.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> It's not hard to judge people who do objectively disgusting things because they aren't disciplined enough to control animalistic urges. I mean, come on. Some of this stuff is just way beyond the pale of acceptable sexual behavior.


Judge not, lest thee be judged.

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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Judge not, lest thee be judged.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Here's the problem with that: everybody is judging everybody else, all the time. I know I am being judged. It's why I have a thing called discretion. If there is something I am doing to be ashamed about, I don't broadcast it all over the planet, unlike some.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> Here's the problem with that: everybody is judging everybody else, all the time. I know I am being judged. It's why I have a thing called discretion. If there is something I am doing to be ashamed about, I don't broadcast it all over the planet, unlike some.


If they're broadcasting it, then they're not ashamed of it.

But you seem to think they should be ashamed. Because they're "gross" people.

Most of those "gross" people wouldn't try to shame you or judge you for being vanilla in your sexual interests.

Yes, some people judge. But there are also a lot of people who say live and let live, because as long as you're not hurting anyone, they honestly don't give a **** what you do or don't do.

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## Todd Haberdasher (Apr 23, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> If they're broadcasting it, then they're not ashamed of it.
> 
> But you seem to think they should be ashamed. Because they're "gross" people.
> 
> ...


Everybody judges. The ones who claim not to? They judge AND lie.

Judging is a necessary part of human society. We have a set of conventions we are expected to follow. These people are violating conventions that are designed to protect them. The things they do are gross, yes, but as people I would describe them not as "gross" but as pitiable slaves to their own animal lusts. They are trapped in a world of degradation and dehumanization and it saddens me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Angeline said:


> *(1)*...If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,) every day or every other day, how would that impact your life?
> 
> *(2)*Or would it??
> 
> ...


1 Yes, profoundly.
2 Yes it would positively impact my life.
3 Very positively. I would feel valued by my wife, cherished and a very high priority in her life.
4 I would worship her, because I would know how hard she had to work to make such a change.

Not fair to make a man dream like that.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I enjoy my animal lusts. My wife and I have fun.

Nobody gets hurt. Even though some odd people here or there might try to come up with some convoluted unreasonable reasoning to try to say things which actually don't hurt anyone might hurt people in some way.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When you judge, what are your standards for right and wrong?

Often its complicated but in cases where no one is harmed, I don't see any reason to judge someone negatively. 



Todd Haberdasher said:


> Everybody judges. The ones who claim not to? They judge AND lie.
> 
> Judging is a necessary part of human society. We have a set of conventions we are expected to follow. These people are violating conventions that are designed to protect them. The things they do are gross, yes, but as people I would describe them not as "gross" but as pitiable slaves to their own animal lusts. They are trapped in a world of degradation and dehumanization and it saddens me.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

uhtred said:


> I've been married 30 years and its never really gotten better. Our situation is a little different, my wife doesn't want any sort of sexual activity when she isn't in the mood. We have a long discussion and she makes an attempt for a while but something always comes up. I eventually realized that she wasn't making excuses, but honestly didn't understand why she didn't want sex, she just didn't.
> 
> Your situation won't improve. Your kids will be in the house for another 15 years, and it will never be a good time to divorce. Then you will find that you have been married for 20 years, and won't be able to abandon the wife that you love. Having lived that way for so long, it will feel to her like you are divorcing her because she is old - even though that is so far from the truth.
> 
> You can live like this if you want, and if you have the right sort of personality, you can have a very happy life. Just don't live your life waiting for this to get better.





podiumboy said:


> My wife seems adamant that her desire for sex will return. She has actually shown me articles she has looked up, how to overcome low libido and sexual aversion, how mothering young children destroys a woman's sex drive, and I've seen similar articles in our search history. She seems to think that her sex drive is coming back, and it might.
> But what if it doesn't?
> And if so, when?
> Next month?
> ...


OK, Yes and No!

I have been married for 46 years and am 68, wife 67. 

About 8 years ago, I was in a sex starved marriage, that sounded a lot like both of you or where you might be headed. My wife and I were hurting each other deeply, but we still loved each other, sort of. Eventually, I figured out how I had hurt my wife, apologized and started to make her feel loved and cherished. I changed and then she changed. We saw a sex therapist and eventually rebuilt our sex life and marriage. I am so happy now compared to where I was.

Yes, it will not get better on its own. However, if you and your wife work on your marriage, it can get much better and doesn't need to be a marriage killer. My LD wife's libido has gone from from once every week and a half and never to twice a week. It has stretched her to her breaking limit, but she is committed to making our marriage work.

Let me back up a minute. My wife has hang-ups, self-image issues and will not allow oral, anal, or a host of things. Still the two of us have learned how much we love each other and found sex that fulfills our emotional needs with each other. As much as I would love specific sex acts, I love feeling close and sexually and emotionally connected to my wife of 46 years. Love and happiness are a lot more than specific sex acts.

Good luck to both of you. If things are bad, they don't need to stay that way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Todd Haberdasher said:


> Here's the problem with that: everybody is judging everybody else, all the time. I know I am being judged. It's why I have a thing called discretion. If there is something I am doing to be ashamed about, I don't broadcast it all over the planet, unlike some.


Todd, what is your problem, to each his or her own/ You sound like a young kid in the playground.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Angeline said:


> I am gearing this question toward the men:
> 
> If you were initimate with your wife/gf, (be it actual sex, hand-jobs, blow-jobs, anal, anything that you consider sexual intimacy,)
> every day or every other day, how would that impact your life? Or would it??
> ...


First, I would wonder what happened to my wife. I would avoid over-analyzing the situation and go with it. It would make me the happiest man in the world. 

BUT...I would wonder when the "catch" would occur? Is she hiding a diagnosis from me? Does she have some sort of secret she is hiding? Did she have an affair and want to make it up? Sounds terrible to worry about a gift like that, but such a big change makes a person wonder.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

When I began dating my now girlfriend, I quizzed her about her sex drive and habits. I am an extremely high drive person who now knows that couples are sort of automatically "high drive" initially, but the true drive comes out as the relationship matures. I needed to be with a person who was going to maintain that high need for physical/emotional intimacy.

I didn't want to end up as another mismatched statistic. Been there, done that.

I can't tell you how freaking amazing it is to have sex whenever I want to. My GF has never turned me down, not once! I absolutely trust that she isn't going to turn the tables on me later. We both made it clear that low or no sex is a deal breaker for us. 

With that said, I am absolutely not judging low drive people. I think that sex drive is primarily biological, and not in our control. Some people have hormones for days, some people do not.

I think it's crucial for couples to discuss this sort of thing beforehand...and clearly differentiate what each person believes is a good number of sexual encounters per week/month, whatever. It's also good to iron out kink or vanilla preferences. I feel like I'm in heaven right now.


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

Thanks to all for your responses..I really, really appreciate hearing the real way it impacts you guys. 

Fyi- someone suggested that I watch too much porn because of the things I mentioned as 'sexually intimate.' 
(Those things were actual intercourse, hand jobs, bjs, anal, etc..) That's an interesting comment. 

To be honest, I tried anal with my bf, (now husband,) when I was 17, way before I ever saw it in porn. 
We were just kinky and experimental. And guess what- we still do it. AND I like it. 
Go figure. A woman that likes anal..if done right, it's mind-blowing. 
None of those things I mentioned above though were inspired from porn. We were so young that we figured it all out on our own: ) 

Anyhow..you guys seriously make me re-think my priorities. We are sexual together around once or twice a week right now, but I want my husband to feel so loved and valued all the time. If showing him I want him more often might do that for him, why would I not!? 
My biggest hurdle is getting myself in the mood. I KNOW once he touches me I'll melt, but I need to just dive in before I am aroused so that I *can* give us both the opportunity to raise those oxytocin levels together! : )


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