# Young, No Kids, No Sex



## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I made a thread in the general section, but I wanted post here just about the sex issue. I've been married for 8 years and I don't have kids yet (I'm 32 and my husband is 31). We rarely have sex, and this is a very sore subject in our houselhold. I really enjoy sex, but he seems to be content going weeks or months without it. I just went through another pack of birth control pills for no reason. The only time we had sex over the past few years is when he wakes up in the night with an erection and wants a quickie or if we've been drinking. He refuses to go down on me and we haven't kissed in years. I keep finding porn on our computer, so I know he's getting off. I'm not a prude, but I can't handle him looking at porn while we have no sex life. 

This has taken its toll on our marriage, and now it's to the point that I am not attracted to him at all anymore. I have no romantic feelings towards him at all now. I get hit on a lot, and I find myself lusting after other men. If it weren't for self pleasure I surely would have cheated by now (or lost my mind completely). I know this is not normal, but I would still like some advice.


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## RunnerGirl (Feb 20, 2010)

goincrazy said:


> I made a thread in the general section, but I wanted post here just about the sex issue. I've been married for 8 years and I don't have kids yet (I'm 32 and my husband is 31). We rarely have sex, and this is a very sore subject in our houselhold. I really enjoy sex, but he seems to be content going weeks or months without it. I just went through another pack of birth control pills for no reason. The only time we had sex over the past few years is when he wakes up in the night with an erection and wants a quickie or if we've been drinking. He refuses to go down on me and we haven't kissed in years. I keep finding porn on our computer, so I know he's getting off. I'm not a prude, but I can't handle him looking at porn while we have no sex life.
> 
> This has taken its toll on our marriage, and now it's to the point that I am not attracted to him at all anymore. I have no romantic feelings towards him at all now. I get hit on a lot, and I find myself lusting after other men. If it weren't for self pleasure I surely would have cheated by now (or lost my mind completely). I know this is not normal, but I would still like some advice.


What does he say when you talk to him about it?

if things are going extremely badly now and he's not willing to work on it, I'd get out before there are kids to complicate things.

Not an expert by any means, but you deserve to be happy and he won't work with you to improve this, that's a long time to have to deal with that.


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## whyminvrsatsfd (Nov 28, 2009)

I agree with Runner....one day youre gonna wake up and realize youre 50 years old and have spent all this time waiting for him to change and start wanting you and being UN-selfish enough to make sure youre happy. Dont do anything compulsive or sudden. Take a step back and look around to decide what you want and say "can I handle things like this for the next 10 years? the next ten months? the next ten minutes?" A separation will hurt and disrupt you of course...but that misery is temporary as you heal, staying will hurt everyday with building frustration and decreasing self worth. Build up a plan (financial, support system, safety) and just be ready. One day, you'll just get that funny bone feeling in your gut again when hes really pissed you off. And then, you'll just be gone.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Again, the no attraction and brother feeling towards him are normal. It's 'behaviour' that you learned. You felt attraction and got rejected, again and again. You learned it's bad when it comes to him. Since your subconscious and body want you to feel good and avoid pain, the attraction was cut off because it was provoking you resentment and frustration. 

Don't worry about the normality of things. In fact, for most marriages of today, this is pretty normal. And 'normal' is different for everyone anyway. The 'other guy' thing is normal as well. You're a young healthy woman. Since you aren't 'allowed' to have sex with your husband, your mind is constantly on the lookout for a possible mate (your husband has been ruled out because he doesn't accept it). Any clue on anything he might not like about you? Looks/personality/him not feeling respected, admired, him feeling like your nagging? Did you gain/loose weight, are you more interested in friends/job than him? Did you show affection towards him without asking for anything in return (like sex). 

I could jump in and say leave him, but truth is all people have some serious problems in their marriage, otherwise we wouldn't have come here. And we might as well put a 'get a divorce' banner on the front page and kill the forum if that were the solution people wanted. So...i dunno...try think about what's missing for him to get attracted to you.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Thanks to everyone who replied. I appreciate it. I am just so torn up inside, and I'm not sure if I can ever get that attraction back. He does listen when I talk to him about it, and I told him that I can't take it anymore. I feel like we are just friends, and I need that intimate connection with my spouse. He said ok we'll have more sex then (in the most unromantic way possible). Now I have the automatic reflex to back away from him every time he comes near me (which rarely sexual in nature). 

I do not think that I can handle this for 10 more years or 10 more months honestly. He says he's ready to have children, and I want a family as well, but I honestly can't let myself get pregnant until I am happy with my marriage. I told him that, and he said that he is content and that no one is truly happy (and that I want perfection). This is not true. I know that puppy love and lust go away, but I need an intimate connection with my spouse. 

I also met someone at work last year who gives me knots and butterflies in my stomach. I never react like this to men (even my husband when we first met). The attraction is mutual, but he knows that I am married. Nothing inappropriate has happened, but oh do I want something to happen. He has made no advances towards me and I really feel like I am missing out on something. Not that I would leave a marriage for another man (who I don't know particularly well), but it did light a fire in me. I know that there are men out there who can make me react this way, and I don't want to go the rest of my life without that. Leaving is so much easier said than done though. I do love my husband, and we have financial stability and a nice home. We make a nice team, but a lousy couple, IMO.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Rejected again tonight. I'm really getting sick of this crap. He says he wants to "rekindle" and no action yet again. He's too tired. He's already in bed. Did I mention that he's only 31?


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

How did you get rejected? I mean, what exactly did you do and how did you ask? Just curious, that is if you're willing to share. Maybe we'll get a better idea of what the deal is.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Sorry to always revert back to my fallback position, but as a member of the top 10% of horniest guys in the world, when I hear of a man rejecting sex I always go to my default point:

Are you SURE he's not gay? Have you looked at any of those links on his computer? Is there a man in every one? And even if the links are 100% hetero sex, it's kind of unusual to leave that kind of history on your computer, even if the wife's OK w/ it (show of hands guys: who deletes their browsing history after waxing at the computer screen?). Could be a diversion.

Think hard: are there any other indications he may be gay? The only time he approaches you is when he wakes up with an erection? It's night, it's dark, I've got midnight wood, I'm going into anything close bye that's warm and wet. And if it isn't female, I'm removing myself emotionally from it, kind of like he does. (DISCLAIMER: this doesn't happen. I'm just sayin'...)

Sorry. I just convinced MYSELF he's gay. Anyhow. It's kind of moot. The answer is the same either way. Get out of the marriage. No kids? You're gone.

And if you need a little in the meantime, PM me


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree with not wasting your life. . .I lost my 30's to a frigid woman.

Without sex (unless it's mutual), the marriage is invalid.

Case closed.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Some men are that way, wired to think about other things more....hunting, fishing? cars? they are old way before their time. With no kids you got the world by the a**. Get out and meet someone that has want you need. Plain and simple. File tomorrow. The perfect guy you might be looking for that wants kids and a quality intimate marriage might be meeting someone else. I don't think an ultimatum would even help here.


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## diaxis (Feb 20, 2010)

I appreciate reading some of these responses; they are applicable to my own situation as well. The prospect of wasting another decade of my life on the chance I will feel aroused versus the chance of experiencing happiness with someone else, this is a difficult matter to weigh. My focus turns on how to minimize the hurt and find happiness ( for both of us ) and less about making a my marriage a statistical success.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

I'm 110% sure he's not gay. I'm also 110% sure he's not cheating. I have been distant lately since I've been so frustrated about the lack of sex, and I just don't feel attracted anymore. I didn't try to seduce him last night, but I did ask him if he wanted to be intimate. He was relaxing on the couch watch tv, and just responded sarcastically, "sure let's have sex right now." 30 minutes later he was in bed sleeping. He is pretty good about hiding the porn now, but I know he still looks at it. He also loves to make comments about pretty women that he sees on tv (oh, I'd hit that from the back). He thinks it's funny, and I want to smack his face. He does kind of act like an old stick-in-the-mud though. Goes to bed really early since he has a physical job and gets up early. I was tired yesterday too (I had worked 9 days straight), but I still wanted sex. I'm pretty much done begging for it. If I felt that I was still in love and attracted then I would make more of an effort, but I think I'm ready to move on.


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## Mobydi (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi goin crazy,
I'm 32yr old male, married to a 31 yr old lady for 4yr. Been together 7 yr. no kids. recently we stopped having sex too. For long time I was the one always wanting sex and often getting rejected or getting "humoured" so I could get it out of my system. But now very suddenly I've started getting totally turned off sex with my wife. I can't explain why but she doesn't seem sexy anymore. She hasn't changed appearance and is actually an extremely attractive woman, but I don't see her like that nymore and I don't know what to do about it. She wants to kiss nd I just don't like it, preferring just to hug instead. Then on the other hand I still fantasise a lot about sex and kissing with others..although I never actually cheated...I wonder if I'm experiencing the same as your husband. I think with me maybe I got turned off by the fact she didn't appear to really want sex with me. Now she wants it (mostly because she's worried about the relationship, no because she is horny) but I'm not interested at all. It's like a sister or something. Somehow feels wrong now. I'm kinda messed up too coz I'm so horny but can't control this feeling..


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

goincrazy said:


> Rejected again tonight. I'm really getting sick of this crap. He says he wants to "rekindle" and no action yet again. He's too tired. He's already in bed. Did I mention that he's only 31?


Was he tested for low t?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

He is deliberately ignoring your needs. He doesn't have low T, he has a sexual relationship with his computer.

I'd be giving him a ultimatum pretty quickly. You all don't have kids and are living like roommates? Whats the point?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2 year old zombie thread...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I've been there. I have had my issues with my husband preferring porn over me. It's hard! I did persevere though. We are still working on other challenges.


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