# CHEATING OR LIFE CRISIS



## Fiftysomething69

I'm new to the site, and not sure how to approach this so here goes
I don't really have a bestie to talk to, because she is my husbands sister  
We have been married for just shy of 35 years and been through just about everything imaginable, from military deployments, separation, (over 17 years ago, yes it was due to him having an affair) we reconciled and thought we grew stronger and the worst was the loss of our son 6 years ago. we have been supporting each other and i thought everything was going great. 
BUT
just before we went on vacation in Feb. things started to feel different. My husband is an owner operator and hauls pretty much locally and is home almost every night. But just after the 1st of the year the engine in the truck took a crap and we had to have a complete overhaul... plus we had just ordered a new trailer that was to be in at the end of March/April. so financial we both were feeling the stress. I keep the books for the business and managed to find a way to make things work by taking out a loan and setting up the payment schedule to fit our budget. Problem solved "Yeah" 
NOPE
the truck overhaul was taking longer and the cost was more then expected and we can blame the Covid pandemic for that. not to mention that his card got hacked and he had to file a dispute with the credit card company. so now we are going on vacation and are thinking maybe we should just cancel... after all what else can go wrong. Why did i even think those words. Less than 24 hours before we are to leave our flight gets cancelled and we are rerouted to a different airport, so now we have extra expenses with gas and hotel stays etc.. enough said we made it to our destination and back. 
Now onto the issue, remember i said his card got hacked and we did a dispute??? well i got to looking at the charge and it was to a weird (sex) site. and yes he said he was looking but didn't realize he had signed up for anything. But now he is getting text from several women (from who knows where) and they are sharing pic (none of which so far have been of a sexual nature) just a selfie. But the text that i've seen say for example "you look like you would be a lot of fun" and then he has answered her questions of what do you do for a living, do you have kids, things of this nature.
His answers were some what veg, i'm a truck driver and haul manly for XX state to X state, i have 2 kids but lost one. No mention of a wife or being married. I questioned (or interrogated) him and he said he was just trying to have a conversation to help maybe spice up our sex life and make things work (meaning his manhood).He also mentioned that the women are not from around here and live in out on the coast,,, (which he never goes there in the truck) I told him it made me feel like I'm not enough for him and then asked him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He said he as sorry and he hadn't thought of it that way. Then he also expressed the fact that i was checking up on him and that we have no trust... Did I do something wrong? 
I did ask him to stop texting them and he said ok 
But now he takes his cell phone with him or turns it off at night or on silent,,,??? Is he testing me? It's everything I can do to NOT to pick it up and check to see if the conversations are continuing. I need to let him know I trust him and that he can trust me RIGHT?????
Or am I being naïve?

I'm confused and would appreciate any and all advice


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## Anastasia6

I don't think you did anything wrong. I do think he did. His credit card number didn't magically end up in their system by clicking. He entered it.

He doesn't want you looking at his phone because he's doing things he knows will get you mad.

He shouldn't expect you to trust him when he has had cheating in the past and now ADMITS to texting women with the hope of getting an erection. And whatever he did do with these women cost money. That is probably CAM girls.

I'd tell him he's taking a lie detector test or 1st and last on an apartment.

He's lying to you and continuing the behavior as well.

If you want to accept this behavior then of course you can but I wouldn't believe him or feel bad about looking at his phone. He will probably get better at deleting or using things like What's APP.


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## BeyondRepair007

Fiftysomething69 said:


> I'm new to the site, and not sure how to approach this so here goes
> I don't really have a bestie to talk to, because she is my husbands sister
> We have been married for just shy of 35 years and been through just about everything imaginable, from military deployments, separation, (over 17 years ago, yes it was due to him having an affair) we reconciled and thought we grew stronger and the worst was the loss of our son 6 years ago. we have been supporting each other and i thought everything was going great.
> BUT
> just before we went on vacation in Feb. things started to feel different. My husband is an owner operator and hauls pretty much locally and is home almost every night. But just after the 1st of the year the engine in the truck took a crap and we had to have a complete overhaul... plus we had just ordered a new trailer that was to be in at the end of March/April. so financial we both were feeling the stress. I keep the books for the business and managed to find a way to make things work by taking out a loan and setting up the payment schedule to fit our budget. Problem solved "Yeah"
> NOPE
> the truck overhaul was taking longer and the cost was more then expected and we can blame the Covid pandemic for that. not to mention that his card got hacked and he had to file a dispute with the credit card company. so now we are going on vacation and are thinking maybe we should just cancel... after all what else can go wrong. Why did i even think those words. Less than 24 hours before we are to leave our flight gets cancelled and we are rerouted to a different airport, so now we have extra expenses with gas and hotel stays etc.. enough said we made it to our destination and back.
> Now onto the issue, remember i said his card got hacked and we did a dispute??? well i got to looking at the charge and it was to a weird (sex) site. and yes he said he was looking but didn't realize he had signed up for anything. But now he is getting text from several women (from who knows where) and they are sharing pic (none of which so far have been of a sexual nature) just a selfie. But the text that i've seen say for example "you look like you would be a lot of fun" and then he has answered her questions of what do you do for a living, do you have kids, things of this nature.
> His answers were some what veg, i'm a truck driver and haul manly for XX state to X state, i have 2 kids but lost one. No mention of a wife or being married. I questioned (or interrogated) him and he said he was just trying to have a conversation to help maybe spice up our sex life and make things work (meaning his manhood).He also mentioned that the women are not from around here and live in out on the coast,,, (which he never goes there in the truck) I told him it made me feel like I'm not enough for him and then asked him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He said he as sorry and he hadn't thought of it that way. Then he also expressed the fact that i was checking up on him and that we have no trust... Did I do something wrong?
> I did ask him to stop texting them and he said ok
> But now he takes his cell phone with him or turns it off at night or on silent,,,??? Is he testing me? It's everything I can do to NOT to pick it up and check to see if the conversations are continuing. I need to let him know I trust him and that he can trust me RIGHT?????
> Or am I being naïve?
> 
> I'm confused and would appreciate any and all advice


@Fiftysomething69 Im sorry you find yourself here in this situation.

I agree with @Anastasia6 your hubby is up to no good. And you have done nothing wrong.

Him guarding his phone is probably not him ’testing’ you, I would wager that he is hiding what he continues to do. I would pick it up and check in a heartbeat. 

All expectation of inherent trust ended when he cheated on you years ago. You have every rightn(and should be) suspicious of what he’s doing.

I also agree with Ana that you aren’t being told the truth about the websites and his CC. Press him on that, he is lying.

I wish the best for you in this ugly situation.


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## Openminded

Yes, I think you’re being naive. I was married to a cheater and he had a story for everything. My suggestion is not to buy everything he tells you.


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## DownByTheRiver

Fiftysomething69 said:


> I'm new to the site, and not sure how to approach this so here goes
> I don't really have a bestie to talk to, because she is my husbands sister
> We have been married for just shy of 35 years and been through just about everything imaginable, from military deployments, separation, (over 17 years ago, yes it was due to him having an affair) we reconciled and thought we grew stronger and the worst was the loss of our son 6 years ago. we have been supporting each other and i thought everything was going great.
> BUT
> just before we went on vacation in Feb. things started to feel different. My husband is an owner operator and hauls pretty much locally and is home almost every night. But just after the 1st of the year the engine in the truck took a crap and we had to have a complete overhaul... plus we had just ordered a new trailer that was to be in at the end of March/April. so financial we both were feeling the stress. I keep the books for the business and managed to find a way to make things work by taking out a loan and setting up the payment schedule to fit our budget. Problem solved "Yeah"
> NOPE
> the truck overhaul was taking longer and the cost was more then expected and we can blame the Covid pandemic for that. not to mention that his card got hacked and he had to file a dispute with the credit card company. so now we are going on vacation and are thinking maybe we should just cancel... after all what else can go wrong. Why did i even think those words. Less than 24 hours before we are to leave our flight gets cancelled and we are rerouted to a different airport, so now we have extra expenses with gas and hotel stays etc.. enough said we made it to our destination and back.
> Now onto the issue, remember i said his card got hacked and we did a dispute??? well i got to looking at the charge and it was to a weird (sex) site. and yes he said he was looking but didn't realize he had signed up for anything. But now he is getting text from several women (from who knows where) and they are sharing pic (none of which so far have been of a sexual nature) just a selfie. But the text that i've seen say for example "you look like you would be a lot of fun" and then he has answered her questions of what do you do for a living, do you have kids, things of this nature.
> His answers were some what veg, i'm a truck driver and haul manly for XX state to X state, i have 2 kids but lost one. No mention of a wife or being married. I questioned (or interrogated) him and he said he was just trying to have a conversation to help maybe spice up our sex life and make things work (meaning his manhood).He also mentioned that the women are not from around here and live in out on the coast,,, (which he never goes there in the truck) I told him it made me feel like I'm not enough for him and then asked him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. He said he as sorry and he hadn't thought of it that way. Then he also expressed the fact that i was checking up on him and that we have no trust... Did I do something wrong?
> I did ask him to stop texting them and he said ok
> But now he takes his cell phone with him or turns it off at night or on silent,,,??? Is he testing me? It's everything I can do to NOT to pick it up and check to see if the conversations are continuing. I need to let him know I trust him and that he can trust me RIGHT?????
> Or am I being naïve?
> 
> I'm confused and would appreciate any and all advice


He's spending money at least with online sex workers and chances are he's occasionally meeting one no matter where he's at because they have them literally everywhere and they can be there in 20 minutes.

I'm sure you already know that there are prostitutes at most truck stops.


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## redmarshall

As already mentioned here, no, you haven't done anything wrong. You're being gaslit. Not only that, you have to put your foot down, and define your boundaries, and let him know that you're not okay with it. And further lapses in judgement will result in actions on your part.


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## Fiftysomething69

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think you did anything wrong. I do think he did. His credit card number didn't magically end up in their system by clicking. He entered it.
> 
> He doesn't want you looking at his phone because he's doing things he knows will get you mad.
> 
> He shouldn't expect you to trust him when he has had cheating in the past and now ADMITS to texting women with the hope of getting an erection. And whatever he did do with these women cost money. That is probably CAM girls.
> 
> I'd tell him he's taking a lie detector test or 1st and last on an apartment.
> 
> He's lying to you and continuing the behavior as well.
> 
> If you want to accept this behavior then of course you can but I wouldn't believe him or feel bad about looking at his phone. He will probably get better at deleting or using things like What's APP.


I'm not a very Tec savvy person what can you tell me about this "What's App" and how would i know if he has installed or is using it?


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## Anastasia6

Fiftysomething69 said:


> I'm not a very Tec savvy person what can you tell me about this "What's App" and how would i know if he has installed or is using it?


It's an app that automatically deletes text messages after a certain time.


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## BeyondRepair007

Fiftysomething69 said:


> I'm not a very Tec savvy person what can you tell me about this "What's App" and how would i know if he has installed or is using it?


Whats app also bypasses the phone functions (like call or text) so communication using Whats App is hidden from the phone bill.
I believe it is one of the common tools used for infidelity, but of course it has legitimate uses as well.

He could be keeping contact with his co-workers for example.

However, for a cheating husband... I would be highly suspicious of that app on his phone.


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## Fiftysomething69

I'll be honest, I'm scared and I don't even know where to start 
I love him with all my heart and he is truly a good man, I don't want to leave him but I think I need to prepare myself. My heart is broken and not sure it can be mended this time. Should I stay or should I go?
Suggestions on where/how to begin


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## The Narcissist's Wife

Well to start with..you did nothing wrong whatsoever. The excuses or reasons he gave you for his behavior were amateur at best. What he did was put his feelers out there to see what's up ..dropped his bait to see what fish he could catch basically. That is not okay or acceptable to do while in a marriage. The thing he is doing with the phone..is not a test..more than likely he is hiding somethig from you and unfortunately in these days there are many different apps that enable and even promote infidelity. I would have a blunt and open conversation with him..his remarks about lack of trust are a way to redirect blame and guilt towards you and off of him. At this point you have several reasons to lack trust and if he can't take accountability for how his actions have caused that, then you have an even bigger problem. As I said, I would start by being blunt with him..laying it out like he is a child..how his actions led to these consequences..such as trust issues..etc. Next I would call him out on the phone thing..and then tell him if he wants the marriage to continue there must be complete honesty and marriage counselling. Good Luck. Do not blame yourself for the actions of a grown man who knows wrong from right.


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## jlg07

Fiftysomething69 said:


> I'll be honest, I'm scared and I don't even know where to start
> I love him with all my heart and he is truly a good man, I don't want to leave him but I think I need to prepare myself. My heart is broken and not sure it can be mended this time. Should I stay or should I go?
> Suggestions on where/how to begin


You love who you THOUGHT he was -- but as you can see, your image of him doesn't quite fit the REAL person, does it?
Think about what YOU want (don't take him into consideration) -- other than the obvious I wish he didn't do this.

You could make an appointment with a few divorce lawyers just to understand the process and see how your financials would work out. A lot of your fear is fear of the unknown, so try to get as much information for yourself as you can.


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