# Not sure what to say



## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

I was seeing this one counselor and honestly I wasn’t feeling it. She was trying to help but it just didn’t work. Yes I was in communication with my teacher friend. I never stopped. I’m sorry guys- you know who you are that know who and my situation. 

As you remember he came down in December and all didn’t go as well. Nervous, awkward due to it being 6 months of not seeing him etc.
We’ve been in contact. Talking, texting 
During the freeze, covid stuff etc 

Then 6 days ago, I didn’t hear from him at all... which was unusual. 
I have been dealing with stuff for my don lately. Guess that’s why I never stopped contact, I needed him in some way.
My son is going to get help. I have him set up for rehab and he will be in a home for several months starting this week.

Teacher guy has been going through stuff as he doesn’t have an inner circle or gets out. I’ve been there to support him: 
I haven’t been honest with him and just told him I’ve had the worse 2 weeks ever.

Tuesday I texted: he said I’m sorry if I did something to make you mad. Wasn’t my intent and being busy here as well.

Long story short- he called me and I questioned that I never heard from him in 6 days and I needed to talk to him with the stuff I was going through. M
He said I get the you wanna lean on me but I’m 3 hours away. What can I do? 
I said I don’t want you to do anything but listen. Hear your voice etc.

He said I get the vibe your thinking this is a relationship. I was shocked. We’ve been talking, texting and sharing waaaaay more than just friends.

Then he goes to say that some of my texts lately were a bit overwhelming.
Of course this was never communicated to me.

He also said that he doesn’t do long distance. And this was told to me before he left in July. Not true guys: he never said that. 
The convo was very confusing and to be honest, my head was involved in my son and getting him help. I ended the Convo crying. He ended it with a text and it was a nice text regarding my son.
It stated that he hopes my son gets healing from his recovery and he feels loved and wanted by his dad etc.
Then he said this doesn’t have to be the last time of goodnight. ( I told him I was texting him goodnight for the last time) 
And that he isn’t going to re-hash.... as it is what it is. But it will be left up to me to feel comfortable to reach out.

I’m so confused. Did he not care for me at all? Guys, we had something. 
I wanted to hurt myself the other night. And the thing is hurt as in just berate myself and just lay there. 

Some of my friends who are familiar. Talk to me please?

Sue


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Likely....

Too much drama has gotten to him. 

Who, willingly seeks this out?

If, he were closer and getting regular sex..

That might quell some of his fears..

Or, he has found someone closer.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Likely....
> 
> Too much drama has gotten to him.
> 
> ...


But he has opportunities and had to come see me. But he hasn’t 
He even stated- how many times have I visited? My thing is: you knew my feelings for you, and yet this went on for a year and now it’s just done? Just like that?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Don’t think too much about this Sue. He’s met someone else and he doesn’t have the courage to be honest with you.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Don’t think too much about this Sue. He’s met someone else and he doesn’t have the courage to be honest with you.


I can see that. As this was very sudden.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sue, don't think too much of this. You made a friend, not a bf, and that's ok. You mustn't believe he is someone you can depend on, count on, as he is friendly most assuredly not close friend.

And that's ok. It's no one's fault the relationship didn't go deeper. Not yours, not his. And that's ok because every friendship just doesn't turn into more.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You can look at this both ways. You can be glad he did not drag it out longer. Would you rather hear this in another years time? Honestly a year isn’t that long. Long distance tends to create situations in ones head that don’t stand up to the “in person test”. That is exactly the reason I’m always very suspicious of long distance relationships.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sue4473 said:


> But he has opportunities and had to come see me. But he hasn’t
> He even stated- how many times have I visited? My thing is: you knew my feelings for you, and yet this went on for a year and now it’s just done? Just like that?


I agree, this is the action of a Cad and a conflict avoidant dolt.

People fall in love and fall out of love. This is natural.

It is never a smooth transition. I still think he has another gal on the line.

Ah, maybe, the last straw met his soft underbelly. But, he never directly let that sharp tidbit out for you to gander at. He did the slow pull away, hoping you would 'figure' things out on your own. 

The selfish coward.

Maybe, yet a budding romance, not yet, with their's closely abutting.

Mentally prime yourself for the next man. 

Having that 'next man' option is priceless. You are so lucky. 

Experimenting with different men is not so bad if you hold in your loving claws.


_King Brian-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> I agree, this is the action of a Cad and a conflict avoidant dolt.
> 
> People fall in love and fall out of love. This is natural.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I disagree. Reportedly, they were only FWB before he even moved hours away. No plans for the future, etc. Then once he moved, they didn't see each other for like half a year. I don't see him as a cad, rather I think OP assumed with hopium that this was more than it ever was.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sue first of all i am deeply sorry about your son's situation and you clearly have a lot on your plate. Forgive me but from what i have gathered thus far i get the feeling that he is no longer invested in this relationship, not in the same proportion you are, and his pulling has been slow but definitely there especially the 6 days of ghosting...had you both stayed in the same city seeing each other in person more often perhaps it may have worked but with distance comes less desire in most cases. Sue perhaps it may be time to take a break from each other for a couple of months and focus on your son and more importantly yourself


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Yeah, I disagree. Reportedly, they were only FWB before he even moved hours away. No plans for the future, etc. Then once he moved, they didn't see each other for like half a year. I don't see him as a cad, rather I think OP assumed with hopium that this was more than it ever was.


Anyone who hurts our dear Sue...
That man is a Cad!

He stepped away from her, without specifically telling her.

We all resist those painful truths.
The benefit of the doubt serves more the innocent.

What lady does not need love?
To held in secure arms and circumstances?

To be cast off, unknowingly, what sore can hurt the more?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I‘m very sorry you’re hurt but this isn’t really surprising. You were FWB before he moved. You felt there was more than that but he didn’t. It was obvious that you were too emotionally invested and he wasn’t. Now he’s finally leveled with you. Should he have said all of that as clearly as he now has when he first moved and not allowed you to assume there was more (because he likely knew that you did)? Yes, but he didn’t. My advice is that you should take some time away from men. You get too involved too soon and they don’t. Your son needs your attention now. He’ll be on his own soon enough.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

To answer your question: He has never cared the way you care. He wanted casual — NSA. He isn’t relationship material now or ever.

Take a long break and regroup. Find out why you keep emotionally investing in men who aren’t interested in a relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Anyone who hurts our dear Sue...
> That man is a Cad!
> 
> He stepped away from her, without specifically telling her.
> ...


Again, I still disagree. They were FWB before he moved, then though they kept in touch electronically, have only seen each other once for like 24 hours in gotta be closing in on 9 months. He never had to "step away", they were never more than this. There were no life plans, there were no discussions about love and commitment and future growth. He let her know how displeased he was when they saw each other the one time, and even left early.

I think it would be more helpful to Sue to point out signs about what kind of a relationship she was actually in, so she can see the signs more clearly with someone else in the future--- rather than playing into labelling him the cad who pulled away and didn't tell her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Openminded said:


> To answer your question: He has never cared the way you care. He wanted casual — NSA. He isn’t relationship material now or ever.
> 
> Take a long break and regroup. Find out *why you keep emotionally investing in men* who aren’t interested in a relationship.


She does this....

Because that is her nature.

No man shall touch her that is not loved.
Being hungry for love, makes that standard, rather easily made.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> She does this....
> 
> Because that is her nature.
> 
> ...


Um. She engaged in a FWB relationship. I'm betting you are in no position to make the call that she only has sex with men she loves.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Um. She engaged in a FWB relationship. I'm betting you are in no position to make the call that she only has sex with men she loves.


Aye!

Some here, know _us _too well!

Forgive us our prattling on.


_The HeadMates-_


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Sue first of all i am deeply sorry about your son's situation and you clearly have a lot on your plate. Forgive me but from what i have gathered thus far i get the feeling that he is no longer invested in this relationship, not in the same proportion you are, and his pulling has been slow but definitely there especially the 6 days of ghosting...had you both stayed in the same city seeing each other in person more often perhaps it may have worked but with distance comes less desire in most cases. Sue perhaps it may be time to take a break from each other for a couple of months and focus on your son and more importantly yourself


Thank you for your kind words of my son. It’s been the hardest thing ever.

He ended up texting me today letting me know his second shot was ok. (Vaccine) 
I didn’t reply


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I too am not surprised at this outcome @Sue4473 , I am so sorry that you're hurting again. I really am, I wish you valued yourself more xx

I am also sorry for what you're going through with your son, and I really hope everything works out well there.

PLEASE for your own self respect, please block this dude and don't have contact with him again. It will only drag the hurt out for you. Use the long weekend to take a couple of days to cry it all out, eat ice cream and hide in bed. Then dry your tears, wash your face and get out into life again. YOUR life. Find Sue again x


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s let you know how he feels. If you can accept that, then he’ll likely continue. If not, he likely won’t. It’s obviously up to you what you do with your life but it would be better for you if you focused on you and your son for awhile and heal from this.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

frusdil said:


> PLEASE for your own self respect, please block this dude and don't have contact with him again. It will only drag the hurt out for you. Use the long weekend to take a couple of days to cry it all out, eat ice cream and hide in bed. Then dry your tears, wash your face and get out into life again. YOUR life. Find Sue again x


Agreed.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> My thing is: you knew my feelings for you, and yet this went on for a year and now it’s just done? Just like that?


I'm really sorry it played out this way. The thing is, this guy didn't have enough character/integrity to be up front with you. Although this relationship went on for you, I get the feeling he was gone and just figured he'd make the minimal effort because he's weak. Yes, it would have been the right thing to do to just tell you he'd moved on. But I don't think he had enough emotionally invested from the get-go to expend the effort to let you know where he stood on this.

Again, really sorry.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> I'm really sorry it played out this way. The thing is, this guy didn't have enough character/integrity to be up front with you. Although this relationship went on for you, I get the feeling he was gone and just figured he'd make the minimal effort because he's weak. Yes, it would have been the right thing to do to just tell you he'd moved on. But I don't think he had enough emotionally invested from the get-go to expend the effort to let you know where he stood on this.
> 
> Again, really sorry.


It hurts so much. I mean in the pit of my stomach hurt. If this makes any sense


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> It hurts so much. I mean in the pit of my stomach hurt. If this makes any sense.


Unfortunately, it doesn't make sense to me. This guy, for the most part, was almost always wrapped up in busyness. He certainly didn't make you a high priority. I think you built up in your mind what you wanted him to be. I know how I react to people like this, and I dump them like toxic waste. I don't mourn the loss of any relationship that wasn't particularly fulfilling. JMO

As far as any sexting and/or pics go, it was nothing more than titillation for him. He got his jollies. 

I'd suggest you take break from relationships for the time being to regroup. It sounds like several guys you've discussed here just haven't been as invested in the relationship as you. Figure out why you're getting involved with guys like that and figure out why you've been more invested than your partners.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Unfortunately, it doesn't make sense to me. This guy, for the most part, was almost always wrapped up in busyness. He certainly didn't make you a high priority. I think you built up in your mind what you wanted him to be. I know how I react to people like this, and I dump them like toxic waste. I don't mourn the loss of any relationship that wasn't particularly fulfilling. JMO
> 
> As far as any sexting and/or pics go, it was nothing more than titillation for him. He got his jollies.
> 
> I'd suggest you take break from relationships for the time being to regroup. It sounds like several guys you've discussed here just haven't been as invested in the relationship as you. Figure out why you're getting involved with guys like that and figure out why you've been more invested than your partners.


You pegged it. Wrapped up in his “busyness”
It was always about HIM. Not me. And when I needed him he ignored it. Hope he enjoys the last pics cause they will have to last awhile! Lol


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sue, in the future I recommend you lay back and see how much a guy is willing to pursue you. Many men are basically lazy in that they'll take what's offered easily but they won't make a ton of effort unless they really want it.

Men will trip themselves for a woman they really want if she shows interest.

I actually had someone at work proposition me a few years ago and admitted it would be for his own enjoyment. I commended him for his honesty, but I'm nobody's enjoyment. 

Value yourself the same way. A guy who wants you will chase you as long as he knows you're interested. That's been my experience.

And I don't send naked pics. My guy pursued me and as such gets to see me naked in person. I certainly can't imagine sending anything to a guy that didn't even make much effort...he can get his jollies elsewhere.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

@lifeistooshort nailed it in my opinion.

Instead of nudes I mean if the lady is going to send them I’d be like wait right there because I’d rather be there in person. I don’t get the current OLD culture. I’d be looking to hook up in person as soon as possible.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I’ve started and backed out on several replies to Sue. She’s not capable of hearing what I have to say. 

Sue is broken inside and unless and until she decides to mend herself, she will be of no use to her son nor be a decent potential partner to any man who is worth having. If she keeps accepting the attention of “any man who will accept her”...that’s all she will get. 

She does not value herself. She already knows what she needs to do but doesn’t have the courage to do it, so she is ashamed. 

She thinks she is drowning and seeks out any life preserver that anyone will throw, and doesn’t realize that the one person that can save her is herself...that she doesn’t really need a float. She can swim...she just needs to find the strength to DO IT. 

Until then, she is just going to paddle in circles, not realizing that the shore is so near. Tick tock...how much time do we spend treading water?

Christ...I sound like SunCMars tonight 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’ve started and backed out on several replies to Sue. She’s not capable of hearing what I have to say.
> 
> Sue is broken inside and unless and until she decides to mend herself, she will be of no use to her son nor be a decent potential partner to any man who is worth having. If she keeps accepting the attention of “any man who will accept her”...that’s all she will get.
> 
> ...


Yeah, it was my feeling too that part of her hurt is rooted in shame at allowing herself to be used by this guy.

Sue, don't be so hard on yourself. We've all done stupid crap where relationships are concerned.....I know I put up with things from my ex hb that I'd like to kick my own ass over.

Learn from this and put it behind you.

And for the love of all things block this guy.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Sorry I’ve been a bit quiet guys. 
But you’re right. I do feel ashamed.
Shame that I let him do this.
Shame that I didn’t hold a high respect for myself.
Shame that I believed his **** BS excuses, lies of busy ness etc.

I can’t really go off and lick my wounds cause I’ve asked for it. I’ve been warned and still didn’t listen. From the outside in, I must look like a insecure, no self esteem person. 
Funny how at my job- I laugh, I’m very well known and liked and no one ever sees me sad or not with a smile on my face.

But it’s a mask. I am insecure. I do feel worthless. I do get sucked in to these men who use their words instead of their actions. I eat the breadcrumbs while patiently waiting for the whole slice. 

I go back and re-read texts. I know I shouldn’t but I do. 
With that being said, I see the non responsive after I’ve said something flirty or sexy. The same with pics. But do you know? In some, I asked him- let me know if it gets too much. He never did. It was always, no your good. 

For awhile he was extensively busy. I mean everywhere you turned it was something. I got it and was there. But in reality he was pulling away. Shame on him for not communicating that to me and stringing me along further. Yes I take full responsibility.

I don’t take too well to hints. He knew my feelings were a lot stronger than his.

Also in the time of me needing a helpful word or support from a friend- ( my son) 
His words were- I know your trying to lean on me but I can’t be your crux? I’m 3 hours away, not sure what I can do.

In complete shock- I cried and said- don’t want you to do anything. Just listen 

Then told me that my texts got to be overwhelming and he was trying to connect by having convo, but I kept sending pics to get validation. You know what?
Maybe I did too much. But yes, I wasn’t getting the validity or security I needed.

But I guess if he was “into” me then those pics wouldn’t have been too much or overwhelming to him.

Just peeking out from the cave and giving y’all more detail. 
Please keep me and my son in prayers. 
It’s been very trying. All of it.

Sue


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Good morning Sue. I read your post and went back and read a few others. You can ignore what I have to say if you like. I think you enter into FB, FWB relationships in order for men to like you initially and then you get upset when they take it literally and don’t pursue more. 
Why offer that type of arrangement if it is not really what you want?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Were you sending "those" kind of pics? You might want to rethink that if you were.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Were you sending "those" kind of pics? You might want to rethink that if you were.


Yes but my face wasn’t in a lot of them. And I know he’s not going to do anything bad.
I do trust him with that


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know all of this is difficult to deal with but you need to block him so you can move on. He never was going to be what you needed him to be.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Sue4473 said:


> Yes but my face wasn’t in a lot of them. And I know he’s not going to do anything bad.
> I do trust him with that


This is very naive. You really don't know the guy. You don't know what he wants, you don't know what he's doing. You don't know what he's going to do with them. NEVER send nude pictures to a guy again. 

I've been married to my husband for 18 years, I've never sent him a nude picture! I'm paranoid about others finding pictures of us online. You need to be very protective of your body. Love and respect yourself!

If the guy doesn't pursue you, he's not into you! Read and re-read what @LifesTooShort wrote. That's good advice.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Sue I agree with others here that suggest you want the type of man who is going to come to you rather than the type you need to chase.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Sue, I feel a lot of compassion for you. I've been you.

Having said that, I don't consider this person guilty. He took what you gave, and he did exactly what you allowed him to do. Basically - he was a man.

And this dynamic is not going to change until you start taking responsibility. Stop blaming. Stop putting these men in the position of being accountable for _your_ choices. 

From a biblical perspective, you're engaging in idolatry. The attention from men is what's most important to you. It's what you worship, and you pour your devotion into unworthy gods who leave you empty and frustrated.

From a secular perspective, consider it a form of addiction:









Seven Stages Of A Codependent Relationship


7 The Seven Stages Of A Codependent Relationship Codependent relationships can be extremely deceiving and make a person feel broken, unlovable and...



www.theaddictsloop.com


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sue4473 said:


> Yes but my face wasn’t in a lot of them. And I know he’s not going to do anything bad.
> I do trust him with that


I believe you completely missed her point -- it's not that he will do anything bad with your pictures, it's that you give yourself away to the LOWEST bidder. RETHINK THAT.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Hi Sue...I'm sorry you are feeling bad, but I'm not sure what you expected from him. And I'm very unsure of how you can feel so attached to someone you had very little actual attachment to...it sounds like YOU created something with him that didn't exist. Which in a way, is quite selfish of YOU. You might feel used by HIM, but from how you described your part in it, it sounds like YOU might have also been using HIM.

And I find his comment that you sending pictures for validation when he was looking for more emotional connection to be VERY TELLING about YOU. That might be where you were using him -- to feel validated as a woman and person. It sounds like you didn't notice or want to meet HIS needs at all in your "relationship", and even when you were thinking of him, it was so you could draw him in to you and get some type of attention that you needed or wanted for yourself. You don't sound like you were interested in what HE was willing to give YOU, you were only interested in what you could get from him.
That also might be why you refuse to acknowledge his boundaries and disinterest - you don't want to see them, because you still want more from him...HIS needs don't matter as much as YOUR needs matter to you. And that's not a real relationship.

I could be completely wrong, but if I'm even only a tiny bit right, this is a dynamic in YOU that you need to explore more, and maybe bring up in counseling, because it's very superficial and destructive in relationships.

The other very important thing to consider is how you can pursue a man who clearly doesn't want you. This I cannot wrap my mind around. A man who doesn't want ME holds absolutely NO interest for me in any way, no matter how attractive or "perfect" he might appear to be, or how much I like (or love) him. I put up with so much crap from my STBX when I felt loved and wanted by him...but the second I recognized that he DIDN'T want me, my heart slammed shut against him forever. It still HURT...ALOT. And I've grieved for a year over it, but I still dropped him like a sack of rocks and turned away from him completely. WHY waste time on a man who doesn't want you...?? There are far too many awesome guys out there to choose from who will think you are wonderful and amazing...all you are doing is wasting time staring at this guy who is looking somewhere else.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

minimalME said:


> Sue, I feel a lot of compassion for you. I've been you.
> 
> Having said that, I don't consider this person guilty. He took what you gave, and he did exactly what you allowed him to do. Basically - he was a man.
> 
> ...


Perfectly said!!!!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> Perfectly said!!!!


We’re not all like that and some of us have seen this scenario reversed.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Right, but women and men _are not_ the same, and their motives are often vastly different.

Men usually send unsolicited **** pics to women they hardly know out of ego - not to try to manipulate and maintain an emotional connection.



Casual Observer said:


> We’re not all like that and some of us have seen this scenario reversed.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

minimalME said:


> Right, but women and men _are not_ the same, and their motives are often vastly different.
> 
> Men usually send unsolicited **** pics to women they hardly know out of ego - *not to try to manipulate and maintain an emotional connection.*


And actually, it's only the APPEARANCE of an emotional connection...it's not real at all.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Right, but women and men _are not_ the same, and their motives are often vastly different.
> 
> Men usually send unsolicited **** pics to women they hardly know out of ego - not to try to manipulate and maintain an emotional connection.


How is an unsolicited photo of presumably erotic nature from a woman any different? The goal, whether mistaken or not, is to arouse interest and possibilities.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> How is an unsolicited photo of presumably erotic nature from a woman any different? The goal, whether mistaken or not, is to arouse interest and possibilities.


A couple of posters already explained it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> How is an unsolicited photo of presumably erotic nature from a woman any different? The goal, whether mistaken or not, is to arouse interest and possibilities.


I'd say most men send them to elicit admiration (for _themselves_ - to satisfy their own egos). Sue sent them under the mistaken notion that it would create a bond.

The man she was involved with couldn't have cared less about a true connection with her. He wasn't looking to fall in love. He wasn't looking for a wife. Most men aren't. That's like the furthest thing from their minds when they begin a 'relationship' with a new woman.

The goal for him was to get laid. The goal for her was to love and be loved.

But I would agree with you in the sense that both of them were being manipulative, and neither was acting out of true care for the other. In that way, their motives were the same.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Hi Sue...I'm sorry you are feeling bad, but I'm not sure what you expected from him. And I'm very unsure of how you can feel so attached to someone you had very little actual attachment to...it sounds like YOU created something with him that didn't exist. Which in a way, is quite selfish of YOU. You might feel used by HIM, but from how you described your part in it, it sounds like YOU might have also been using HIM.
> 
> And I find his comment that you sending pictures for validation when he was looking for more emotional connection to be VERY TELLING about YOU. That might be where you were using him -- to feel validated as a woman and person. It sounds like you didn't notice or want to meet HIS needs at all in your "relationship", and even when you were thinking of him, it was so you could draw him in to you and get some type of attention that you needed or wanted for yourself. You don't sound like you were interested in what HE was willing to give YOU, you were only interested in what you could get from him.
> That also might be why you refuse to acknowledge his boundaries and disinterest - you don't want to see them, because you still want more from him...HIS needs don't matter as much as YOUR needs matter to you. And that's not a real relationship.
> ...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The hurt will stop when you stop hurting yourself. You get involved too quickly with these guys. Step back and learn to really love being alone. Quit looking for validation from these men. 

Right now, like it or not, you don't need a man in your life. And I'm sorry, but I can't understand why you are allowing this latest guy to rent so much space in your head. He had one foot out the door during this entire "relationship." You need to realize you can have a rich, fulfilling life without a partner. If you can achieve that, you will be pleasantly surprised to find the right sort of man will be attracted to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Block him. That’s the first step in getting past this. If you don’t do that, then you’ll keep hoping he’ll text or call and say he really does want a relationship with you.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> A couple of posters already explained it.


I think in the context of this thread, OP, I think, sent it with the idea “this is what you’re missing.” That’s not that different from the stereotype guy is it? Whether we say “this is what you’re missing” or “this is what’s waiting for you”, either one, coming from a guy, is automatically (and likely correctly) presumed to be about ego. But ego in terms of “she sees this and she’ll be reminded of the mind-blowing sex we can have” is different from “I’m so proud of this tool that I want the world to know.”

Point being you can see either a guy or a woman doing the first, and it’s an ego thing if done by the guy but not the woman?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Oh Sue... ((((((((HUGS!!))))))))
I really HATE that you are going through this...it's painful and confusing and lonely, and you feel HOPELESS...

But you are looking at it the wrong way -- you cannot make the hurt stop. You can only endure it, and it's possible that your inability to feel this type of pain and vulnerability is what drives you to make poor choices with men to begin with -- you seem to always be frantically trying to prevent or stop painful feelings...but that's just NOT possible, nor healthy!

You need to learn to SIT with those feelings and FEEL them, and COPE with them. You shouldn't try to escape them, you aren't going to die from them, although sometimes it can feel like you might. But they are just feelings, and what you have to do is to let them flow through you and over you until they pass. And you need to just BE with yourself, as if you are comforting a friend who is hurting the same way, only you give yourself that comfort. 
You cry, you curl up under a blanket and watch your favorite movies, you eat ice cream, you tell yourself you will get through this and it will all be ok (because you will and it WILL)...and then you cry some more. 

Does it SUCK...?? YES. Absolutely. But it's part of the process of healing and if you try to thwart it, you won't heal properly...and you NEED to heal, Sue...so you can get back up on your feet and keep moving forward!

Do you ever do any journaling? I have found that to be an amazing resource and "container" for handling MY intense, swirling feelings (think of the NASA images of hurricanes...Lol!!). Grab a notebook and write about how you feel and why, and what it means to you...instead of resisting and hiding from your feelings, let them out and give them your voice.

I believe once you cut the dead weight from your life of this guy who doesn't care about you the way YOU want and need to be cared about, you will feel relieved and FREE again...and you will be able to MOVE ON and find someone BETTER. MUCH better.

And that's what you need to do FOR YOU.


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> The hurt will stop when you stop hurting yourself. You get involved too quickly with these guys. Step back and learn to really love being alone. Quit looking for validation from these men.
> 
> Right now, like it or not, you don't need a man in your life. And I'm sorry, but I can't understand why you are allowing this latest guy to rent so much space in your head. He had one foot out the door during this entire "relationship." You need to realize you can have a rich, fulfilling life without a partner. If you can achieve that, you will be pleasantly surprised to find the right sort of man will be attracted to you.



Oh I have been alone for along time!

In my 17 year marriage. I was alone.
After my divorce. I’m was alone for several years. I’m 48 how much alone time do I need?
I not getting baby younger lol


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Oh Sue... ((((((((HUGS!!))))))))
> I really HATE that you are going through this...it's painful and confusing and lonely, and you feel HOPELESS...
> 
> But you are looking at it the wrong way -- you cannot make the hurt stop. You can only endure it, and it's possible that your inability to feel this type of pain and vulnerability is what drives you to make poor choices with men to begin with -- you seem to always be frantically trying to prevent or stop painful feelings...but that's just NOT possible, nor healthy!
> ...


You have me crying, it was said so perfectly.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Sue4473 said:


> Oh I have been alone for along time!
> 
> In my 17 year marriage. I was alone.
> After my divorce. I’m was alone for several years. I’m 48 how much alone time do I need?
> I not getting baby younger lol


This might come across as harsh; it's not intended to, and it certainly isn't meant to put a wedge between you and your son. Your son comes first! But-

I don't think it's a coincidence that your longer-term relationships fall apart when your son comes into the picture. Your son adds a degree of maintenance and unpredictability that scares men off. You can consider that unfair, but it's not something you can get around. Your son also keeps you in contact with your ex, which you've also mentioned causing issues in the past.

So think about the choices that gives you. What are they? I'm sure this is something you'd rather avoid because it's terribly personal, your own flesh and blood, and you likely feel that you're doing the very best you possibly can for him, and you probably are. But right now, it's the elephant in the closet that keeps things from being long term because when that closet starts to crack open, the guys you're seeing get scared.

So... what are your choices? How do you see each option play out?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sue4473 said:


> Oh I have been alone for along time!
> 
> In my 17 year marriage. I was alone.
> After my divorce. I’m was alone for several years. I’m 48 how much alone time do I need?
> I not getting baby younger lol


You need enough alone time so that you no longer pick men (because he isn’t the first) who aren’t interested in a real relationship.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> After my divorce. I’m was alone for several years. I’m 48 how much alone time do I need?


You are alone even when you are in a relationship because you pick the wrong men. Hey, I've been alone my entire life. My parents were a couple of jerks. They only paid attention to me when I did something they considered "wrong." Other than that, I was pretty much on my own to raise myself. 

Neither of my alcoholic husbands were there for me. So I had to look inward. Why was I glomming onto people - both women and men - who were making me feel so alone even if they were in the same room? THAT is what you need to figure out. I figured it out. And with that ah-ha moment, came a sense of peace.

And because you are working from the perspective of need/hunger, you are picking the wrong people to have in your life. So let me frame it this way: I am older than you. I live alone with my cat. I LOVE my life. I get a kick out of just living. Like you, I was all bent about the possibility of going through life without a partner. I'll let you in on a secret: Starving people make lousy shoppers. We are trying to fill the void with a partner. And we consistently pick the wrong person because our desperation and hunger and need propel us to the wrong ones.

LEARN TO FILL THE VOID WITHIN YOURSELF FIRST. Because, I assure you, until you learn how to enjoy being alone without feeling lonely/needy, you will perpetuate this dynamic.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sue4473 said:


> Sorry I’ve been a bit quiet guys.
> But you’re right. I do feel ashamed.
> Shame that I let him do this.
> Shame that I didn’t hold a high respect for myself.
> ...


You have received a lot of insightful posts of support.

My suggestion is to time-box the wallowing. Then make a concerted effort to switch your mindset to what you can learn from this. When you re-frame from that perspective, you give yourself opportunity to brush yourself down and move forward with the potential for renewed actions / breaking the mold you are in.


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