# I want a divorce but thought of children is stopping me!!!



## babsam (Jun 23, 2012)

Hi I am a 30 year old man. I am married and my wife is 25. I am originally from India and she is from UK. We have been married almost 7 years now. I have tried to explain our situation below. it is a very long story but I really need very good advice. Please read through and reply.
we used to work together and started liking each other. Her family didnt like me at all. so they did not approve of our relationship. My family didnt have any objection. We got married at the end even though her family didnt approve of the marriage. And since then they just tried to break out our marriage. My wife was in touch with them after our marriage and used to visit them every 2 - 3 days. My wife got pregnant and her family tried to put things in her mind that she was too young to have children, its too early to have children, she wont be able to cope with it etc etc. so they tried that we dont have any children. 
with too much interference our relationship got bitter and got very worse with time. She had an abortion while I was taken in police custody for domestic violence. they released me free of all charges as there was no evidence of any violence but we got separated and stayed away from each other for 3 months. she also pressed charges on me for stealing her money (even though in reality it was vice versa and which i explained properly to CPS and they released me again). In these 3 months she contacted me several times cursing me for ruining her life and asking me for money etc. Her family didnt help her at all after our separation they only helped her in abortion and that was it. they even took her money from her and left her on road for good. 
she contacted me when she had no support no money and she was all alone and started drinking etc. I made plan to go to India for good after what i had been through.
On the night when i was at airport to leave she turned up and asked to come with me to India. I got really emotional that night and then we stayed in uk for a week to sort her visa for india and we went to India together. stayed there for 4 months. 
Cam back to uk, changed our city so we can be away from her family and have a fresh start. 
But the relationship had too much bitterness in past, we both couldnt get over our bad days and had a bit of anger against each other, which used to come out almost everyday and we used to argue, fight. She used to go out of control and be very violent, even though i used to try to stop her but she would continue until I respond back same way and then she has proper fight with me. She used to lock me in the house so i could not go to work and I get in trouble and and get insulted at work. she just wanted me to be kicked out of my job. She left me again and stayed separated for 3 months but she had a full time job so she didnt need me now. 
After 3 months she had some trouble at work and got fired from job. then she contacted me again and started to show the fake love again. needless to say i as an idiot fell for it again and we started living together again. time went past like this for couple of years or so. she got pragnant and I just thought that this will end our problems hopefully. she will get busy with child and hopefully will have a happy life now. But no it just didnt happen that way. She was now very aggressive, abusive and full of poison. many times she asked me that why dont i finish my life etc. etc.
after one year we were blessed with another child. our relationship didnt get any better though. Also i found out that she had affairs with men and slept with few while we were separated. 
I even tried and understood and tried to forget and don't think about it. but she just does not appreciate my patience at all but she has started to threaten me to take children away. as she has read on internet that children always stay with mom especially when they are so young. and she knows thats my weak-point and she has been using it against me too much. she does not open door for me keeps it locked and asked me to stay outside. no food for me at home. no bed for me, i cant use anything in home, get . Even though i work fulltime and capable of getting legal help and advice but thought of children taken away from me is stopping me from getting out of this abusive relationship. it is not safe for me to stay in the relationship as she shouts and swears too much and i have to keep quiet and listen to all abuse. if i talk back then she even tries to hit me, lock me in the house snatch my keys from me. Physically i am way stronger than her but i cant do anything as on last occasion i tried to push her away from me and she called police and i was taken to custody and put in cell for night. i tried telling police and sargent that its my wife who is abusive not me but police didnt listen to me at all and even behaved very badly with me.
I dont really know what are my options and what can i do to be with my children but away from her. 
Please advice.....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Well for starters I think you might want to spend some money and get a DNA test done on the children. If she was cheating, she may still be cheating.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You need to kick her to the kerb.

Where are you living now?

Do a DNA test on your kids. They may not be yours.

Is your wife a Brit or is she Indian, too?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

And test yourself for STD's and DON'T HAVE SEX WITH HER and keep a VAR on you at all times?

Where do you live right now mate? England or India? And how long has it been since you've found out about her affairs? Do you have credible proof?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

1. Get a paternity test done to figure out if your child is yours or not.

2. Get your own home and stop thinking of your marital home as your home because it is not your home any longer.

3. Get an attorney who can help you file for divorce and have shared custody (if the child is yours).

4. Recognize that this relationship is not healthy for you or for her and that while you might be involved in each other's lives as co-parents to some extent, you should not be together as a married couple. Separate your life from hers and move on; even if you love her, this kind of dynamic with violence and constant drama is NOT good for you or for her or for your kid.

5. Leaving this relationship is the best thing you can do.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

The VAR can be used as evidence in court if she harasses you or threatens you in any way shape or form. Mate, hang in there and be strong, this is a very toxic relationship which will destroy you. You need to get out of it for the kids, they need a parent who isn't self centered and genuinely happy. The longer you stay in it you can't be that parent so don't use the kids as an excuse to stay in a bad relationship

Hang in There


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is their problem race or religion?

And if race is it something other than white v Asian?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Don't like them, but you need to consult an attorney just as soon as you get your VD test results along with the children's DNA established.
It's likely she won't open the door for you because she is harboring one of her many studs and doesn't want you to know.
Should it turn out that the children aren't yours, you'll have no reason to want to go into the home other than to remove YOUR belongings.
Good luck.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

The 1st thing is to get that VAR. keep it on you at all times. i can do voice notes with my fone. Can you?? If so, you have a VAR. And she will just think you have it in your hand as a threat to call the police. Never knowing you are recording her a66. Get the DNA as soon as you can. At the same time, get a consult with a lawyer. this relationship will lead to one of you hurting the other, and ending up in real trouble. That is not a good ending my man, not good at all. You don't sound like you love her anymore, so start looking at this as a business deal that has to get done. These ppl have given you a blueprint, start using it, and stay here as you go, so they can help you thru. Good Luck.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

ALWAYS is better for a child to have a part time stable parent than a dysfunctional home life. 
Build a life away of this monster. Carry a VAR always with you, be sure your phone as GPS, talk to the best lawyer you can afford, get your doks in row and file ASAP.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm sure there are male organizations which can advice you. Search the web.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Oh and if you're in the UK and apply for divorce yourself,you can't do so on the grounds of adultery if you've found out about it more than 6 months ago


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## babsam (Jun 23, 2012)

Thanks everybody for all your replies. I didnt think that many people will read and reply. 
I have been recording all our conversations for a long time and she knows it too. When police arrested me a couple months back on her complaint of domestic violence, i had recorded everything at that time too, even when police came and how they behave..!! one of the Police guy even swore at me and hit me. and I was taken to police station , put in cell, I spoke to sargent about it but he also didnt listen to me. which just shows and I also feel that authorities and everybody else has this mentality that men are the one always violent and abusive so they just favour women always. 
I have so many recordings of her where is shouting swearing screaming and being abusive and these are not just for 5 minutes each or so. once she starts then it goes on for couple of hours at least and will continue atleast 3 - 4 times a day or whenever i am at home. she tries so much that i get involved in physically fighting with her so she can send me to jail. she throws children dirty nappies around me, try to make me fight with her. I just sit quietly and do nothing. I am scared to go to any authorities because it will simply make me loose my children. 
About the DNA tests - I know both children are mine. i havent got any tests done but i just know....
She has been in physical relationship with other/s that was 6 years ago and 3 years ago but i found out only couple of months back. I had an idea because she always used to ask me about a guy that if he has told me something about her and one day i just lied and said that yes that you have cheated on me. and she just went quiet for few seconds and turned around and said that that was my fault because i put her in that situation where she felt alone and didnt know where to go and what to do.
I really want to come out of this relationship but will i be able to get the full custody of my children or even half / joint custody.. 
i would like to also mention that when i found out that she has slept with other men and she called police for the domestic violence on me then one day I was so frustrated that i left my job and just sat in my room for couple of days. then she asked me to get the job back and said that she will let me have custody of children and she actually agreed to give it to me in writing and signed it.
So please advice what are my options further...


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You have 6 months to file for divorce on the grounds of infidelity in the UK. If you don't file by then, you'll be considered as "condoning the affair" and you'll be stuck with her for years. Get her to sign that custody paper if you can.


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## GTA06 (Feb 17, 2012)

BabSam,
As a fellow indian I would like to ask you
What kind of mother she really is.Good or Bad ??? And why do you want their full custody ????


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

GTA06 said:


> What kind of mother she really is.Good or Bad ??? And why do you want their full custody ????


Go through the post again mate, you'll discover loads of motherly instincts of the bloody woman there. 


I hope the kids are yours OP I really do


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## babsam (Jun 23, 2012)

GTA06 said:


> BabSam,
> As a fellow indian I would like to ask you
> What kind of mother she really is.Good or Bad ??? And why do you want their full custody ????


In some simple words if a neutral person is to judge what kind of mother she is - I wud say she is not a very good mother. 
But from a husband and as a family member how much i know my wife - I know that she loves her children as any other mother would. but she cant cope with stress, pressure or extra work involved in looking after children when especially small age. She gets frustrated when children cry or being stubborn or dont want to eat. then she just shout and screams alot at them and at me too, she force food down into them which causes them to cry alot and then they vomit alot. and that causes a lot of problems. i ask her not to force too much but then she starts on me and that is the beginning of my 3 - 4 days in hell from thereon. after 3 - 4 days she calms down and sometime cooks for me....
but same process get repeated in day or two..... This is my life. I really have had enough and want to do something about it but i cant really leave children with her alone.


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