# No Trust...



## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Most of you know that I told my hasband last week that I wanted a seperation.

He is now running scared and promising me everything he can to make me stay.

He is starting with a counselor this very morning, after having a bout of lightheadedness at work yesterday and visiting the medical clinic at work. He told them of what is going on and they made him an appointment.

He has promised to have me back home by the holidays, and to not be so over bearing...he even helped our oldest with his college math homework this weekend.

We are seeing our MC this evening...I still feel that leaving is what I should do.

I have no trust that he will stick with this.

I feel that if he takes another job, he will :

1. Resent me for having to work a job he hates

2. Insurance won't kick in for 90 days, and so he will feel that he can handle this on his own, so he will not return for more counseling.

I do love him, but this is not about love. I have no trust left that things will change. I have given him 20 yrs. to change, and he has only gotten worse.

And I am so unhappy.

I'm interested in seeing what all of you think about this turn of events.

Thank You so much for all of your help.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Separating is not the end. However, his reaction I did expect. Most change from people only happen on the brink of trauma.

You need to SEE results. Keep that mindset. Let him prove he's changing before you yourself make anymore consideration from your current mindset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

So he's having anxiety attacks and wants another chance. Geez, this sounds familiar. 

No one can tell you what to do. You must make your own decision. Remember that no one has the right to judge you until they have walked in your shoes--which, of course, is basically impossible. All the people who wish they had gotten 2nd (and 1000th) chances will say "you owe it to him, to the marriage, to the kids." Those who left will say, "*uck him. He hasn't cared at all about you all this time and now that you are leaving and it is finally affecting HIM, he is suddenly willing to change. That's the ultimate proof of his utter lack of love for you--he didn't care how you felt and still doesn't; it will always be about him." 

I didn't want to be with someone who was afraid to be alone, who only wanted to change b/c he needed me to take care of him. So, you can see which side of the argument I'm on! I also didn't want to take the chance that I would settle for too little change and continue to be unhappy because he was "trying." I was at very high risk for that! 

Good luck, either way. You can always leave later, remember. I guess it just depends on how fed up you are right now.


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## OhioGirl (Mar 30, 2011)

Thanks Sis!

So, I heard from my H. Apparently his appointment went well today. This is what she suggested:

"The therapist that I saw today also does family and marital counseling. She recommends at least trying emotion-focused therapy before calling it quits for you and I, then maybe for the entire family as well. It is supposed to create very good opportunities for getting things out in the open."

How long am I supposed to wait, and see if things get better? Another year, 3, 5, 10????

He says he can't understand how I changed so quickly. It wasn't quick for me. It has just built up and up...


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## hippygirl39 (Apr 14, 2011)

RE sisters359 posted above - "I didn't want to be with someone who was afraid to be alone, who only wanted to change b/c he needed me to take care of him. So, you can see which side of the argument I'm on! I also didn't want to take the chance that I would settle for too little change and continue to be unhappy because he was "trying." I was at very high risk for that!"

I can really identify with this post - my husband has no friends and very little family left, he had an affair after a number of years of us being unhappy (can't really blame him but wouldn't have gone down that road myself). He now wants me back,says he loves me etc but I am convinced that it is 'the family' he wants back rather than me and I am thinking ahead to when the children leave home in a few years time and it would be just the two of us! My husband has been emotionally dependent and quietly controlling for years and I want to see that he has changed but, as you said, how long do you give it and will he really change? You should get a feel for whether he understands the changes that are needed during the MC sessions. Has he changed at all before and did it last? If he did change for a while, how many times has this happened? I am now looking at the repeating patterns in my marriage i.e. relationship discussion, try to change for approx 10 days and then reverting to type because he didn't get what he wanted. Interestingly enough, I spoke to someone else recently who is on her third marriage and when I said 'he says he will change' her response was that it would last 10 days. If you really want to make it work you have to give him the chance to change but also have to be sure the change is a permanent one if that is possible. Good luck with it all.


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