# Im sure my marriage is over now...



## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Hi guys. First post here.

I'll start from the beginning. Me and my wife married 3 years ago after 4 years in a relationship. 

After 6 months, she dropped the bombshell "i don't think i love u anymore". It was all so sudden. She moved out, and would not speak to me at all. I was a total mess, and i didn't handle it well at all. I begged, and begged her to try again. To no avail.

Anyway, i realised if i gave her time to think, she might come to the conclusion herself. So she got her space, and would you know, after a few months apart, she came back. At first it was hard, and progress was slow. But eventually, we fell madly in love again. And i mean a deep love, more than we had before. We were over the moon. What surprised me was how she kept apologizing about how she acted, and how stupid she was for nearly ruining our relationship.

We had a happy couple of years. Everything was working out well, until ....... boom. 

For a few weeks, she was moody, wouldn't really open up. I managed to coax it out that she 'might' be unhappy again. We arranged to talk, and to be honest i just wanted to work things out. I thought i'd let her say her piece 1st, then i'd take my turn. But what she said, i wasn't prepared for. "I care about you, i love you, but i just don't want to be with you'.

I stayed calm, and to be fair, she was really nice about it. This was yesterday, and shes left the house. We've arranged a day where she can collect her stuff. We both agreed that eventually, we should get a divorce. Where we live, we need to live apart for 2 years before divorcing.

I looked in her eyes yesterday and now i know we may never be together again.

I hardly slept, i've not eaten at all. I haven't begged her, but i did put my cards on the table by saying i'm willing to work on the marriage. She refuses to go to counselling, or even give it a few days to sink in.

I'd like to know peoples opinion on her, if there is any hope for us at all, or should i just try and get over it now. 

Should i fight to save it?


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Just a bit more background.

Were both in our mid 20s, no kids. She comes from a broken home, my parents are 30 years married. 

Her main gripe was that i was never romantic enough. That i wasn't attentive enough. I suppose i wasn't, and i realise that now, but i feel as if she never really gave our marriage a chance. 

Id hate to think of anyone staying 'out of pity or respect'. But im of the opinion that she could have been less hasty.

When i took my vows, i truly believed them. And i really think i was a good husband. For the couple of years, up to now, shes been a great wife.

And theres nobody else involved, im sure of that.

I just dont understand how someone who claimed to be your soulmate can just up and leave so sudden.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Your wife needs therapy to get to the root of her issues.

Only until then can you work on the marriage.

Let Her Go!

You cannot make her stay.

A lot can happen in 2 years. But if she comes back again and you still love her then get her the help she needs and you need.

Professional help.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Your wife needs therapy to get to the root of her issues.
> 
> Only until then can you work on the marriage.
> 
> ...


Good advice my friend. Im going to let her go, if she comes back i'll take your advice, she does need to address her issues. If not, then its her loss.

I added to the break up too, but all i can do is learn from some of the mistakes i made, and use them to be better in the future, in whatever relationship im in.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Rickster....You are not alone in this situation. My wife of 8 years told me last month that she stilled loved me, but was not in love with me. I am trying MC, and giving her space, but so far there has not be any improvement. She says we lost the spark. This is the woman I have been with for 13 years, and I can not understand how you can fall out of love. We now go on "dates", I am trying to make her fall in love with me all over again, and it is tough. Never knowing if this kiss will be my last, but it helps me cherish what we do and did have together.
I would just try to give her space, it is not easy, and there is not a day goes by that I don't think about calling her and begging for this to change, but I know it will do no good. The more you beg, the more they distance themselves. I am not sure if my marriage is over, to me it seems it is, but I am willing to do what I must to save it. Look into the 180 it is helping me take care of me. I am not focusing on myself, and let her focus on herself. Good luck, and just know that you are not alone in this dark time.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

From what i understand, the 180 is for couples still together, but thinking of breaking up. Im not going to contact her (i dont have an excuse to anyway).

We'll see though. Its so difficult when you invest 7 years of your life, and for it all to fall apart in a moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rickster,

While you believe (and I do hope you're right) that there is no one else involved, how do you know for sure?

Her behavior of moving out and coming back after a few months is a very classic sign of a cheater (but not always).

What usually happens in that case is the spouse moves out to pursue the other party in the affair. Often times, the other party is married to and when push comes to shove, the other man most times will not leave his wife and family. The wandering spouse then returns home to her Plan B (you in this case)

I would rule out whether or not she's either back with the same guy or has started another relationship. This is easily done by checking her cell phone bill on line. Look for a lot of texts/phone calls to one or two numbers that you don't recognize, especially lat at night or early in the morning or other times when you're not around.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When a woman has an affair the husband gets the ILUBNILWU speech. You both should at least check wifes text/phone records for high quantities of calls etc. To one number.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

The first time she left (6 months into the marriage), she admitted to me she was getting attention, and kissed a guy. She had no reason not to lie to me. I forgave her and we honestly moved on, i seen a massive change in her behavior until last week, when she was being distant. 

Yesterday was different to the last time. She sat and talked about it, where as the last time she just said it and ran out.

Shes saying she loves me, cares about me, and doesnt want to hurt me. But doesnt want to be WITH me.

If she is seeing someone else, it doesnt change a thing. I wont contact her. If (and thats a big if) she contacts me, i'll discuss it with her and get to the bottom of it then.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rickster said:


> The first time she left (6 months into the marriage), she admitted to me she was getting attention, and kissed a guy. She had no reason not to lie to me. I forgave her and we honestly moved on, i seen a massive change in her behavior until last week, when she was being distant.
> 
> *rick, keep in mind that if you two never got any counseling after this first time to try and figure out why this happened so early in the marriage, you just rug swept almost guaranteeing that you'd wind up where you are now. St 6 months into the marriage, you two should still have been all over each other!*
> 
> ...


*This is good. Look up the 180 and implement it because it will help you to move on. If she does come back a few months down the road, you need to think long and hard about this. Would you really want her back so she can do this to you all over again?*


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## BC3 (Sep 26, 2012)

Rickster,


I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. It's tough, most of us on here have been thru it or are going thru it. I dealt with a WAW. I don't know this for certain but it sounds like there is another man there. There was in my case. When you are in love with someone you'll believe what they have to say, I would check her cell phone records my friend. There may not be another man but you need to know for sure. 


Whether there is a POSom or not, you both need to want to save your marriage to make things work. MC is needed either way and if there's a POSom, he needs to be gone for good. The POSom in my case took my wife away from me and my now ex wife is living with him.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Toffer said:


> *This is good. Look up the 180 and implement it because it will help you to move on. If she does come back a few months down the road, you need to think long and hard about this.  Would you really want her back so she can do this to you all over again?*


Honestly ...... right at this moment i do want her back. But im still in love, and missing her. I hope im strong enough, by the time she contacts me, to tell her no. 

Im 99% sure theres no-one else involved this time around. Just by the way she was acting, and how open she was with me. 

As my heads clearing though, i can see that i'll be better off without her. I know it will be months before im feeling better, i just wish i could fast forward to then.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rick,

It's gonna suck but you'll survive.

If you truly want to know what she's been up to (if anything) do some investigating as outlined previously. IF there is someone else involved (again) it would help you to move on faster

Everone is different. I'd have to know. Good luck!


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Just done a bit of research. Found her mobile bill, and theres nothing untoward. Im convinced now, she really doesnt love me anymore. 

What i cant understand now is ..... love. How can love turn off at the drop of a hat? How can someone act in love for 2 years? And why the hell is she not even willing to take time to figure if shes certain? Our marriage has collapsed and although im coming to terms with the situation, i feel utterly helpless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rick,

It happens. I won't even try and venture a guess as to why.

You didn't say anything about kids in your posts so I am assumimg that there are none which is a good thing (if I'm right)

I am also assuming you guys are relatively young so you've got that going for you too.

I know it's not much but it's better to find out early on and before kids start coming along


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Yep. We have no kids. We were trying for a while but it didnt happen (maybe not such a bad thing). 

Ive been listing all the good things i miss about her, and all the bad things i dont miss. Lets just say, the bad collumn is a bit full. Its helping, but i know its going to take time.

I'd like to think, when shes had time to think, she'll at least give me some closure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

rickster said:


> I'd like to think, when shes had time to think, she'll at least give me some closure.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What she does or does not do is irrelevant for your healing.

Closure comes from within.

When you are "right" with yourself, you will find it.


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

rickster said:


> Yep. We have no kids. We were trying for a while but it didnt happen (maybe not such a bad thing).
> 
> Ive been listing all the good things i miss about her, and all the bad things i dont miss. Lets just say, the bad collumn is a bit full. Its helping, but i know its going to take time.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you're having to go through all this but you should be SO thankful that you don't have kids together. I waited later in life to marry for the first time and made a huge mistake with my exW. We were only married 14 months and it cost me dearly (over $60k). But that's a small price to pay for one's future sanity and happiness. 

Is it any wonder why the concept of marriage is failing nowadays? I wish I hadn't listened to my father and gotten a pre-nup instead. It would've made our divorce and her threats so much easier to counter. (Yes, I was played and played well -- a succubus to the extreme)

I would suggest getting heavily involved with your friends, hobbies and start working out if you're not already. It's made a huge difference in how I look back on things.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

rickster said:


> From what i understand, the 180 is for couples still together, but thinking of breaking up. Im not going to contact her (i dont have an excuse to anyway).
> 
> We'll see though. Its so difficult when you invest 7 years of your life, and for it all to fall apart in a moment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The 180 would be for you. It is to prepare you for life after your marriage. It doesn't have anything to do with getting back together or splitting up. Your wife says she is done, so let her go. Then work on yourself. Start exercising, going out with buddies, buy yourself some new clothes, etc. 

This will put you in a better position moving forward.

The side benefit, is that it also makes you more attractive to women (especially your wife).


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

"Shes saying she loves me, cares about me, and doesnt want to hurt me."

Sure sounds like a variation of ILYBNILWY saying. The sudden changes are a red flag in my humble opinion.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Toffer said:


> rick,
> 
> It happens. I won't even try and venture a guess as to why.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yup!


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

A small update. 2nd day now. I havent contacted her, shes made no effort to contact me. Im slowly voming tk terms witg it now.

The only thing im scared about now is; i know this girl inside out, she will wake up one day and totally regret this. She might even regret it now, but has a stubborness that prevents her from admitting shes wrong. Her family dont criticise each other in fear of upsetting each other. So they wouldnt talk her round. 

By the time she does come round, i could be too far gone, over her, and might even hate her. A perfectly good marriage gone. For what, a whim???

I see a partner like a favourite song. When you first get the song you play it over, and over again. But eventually you get bored, and even start to dislike it. You dont play it, but you dont delete it either. Then one day out the blue, you play it, and realise you love the song. 

Too many people get sick of each other, then run away. Instead of staying put. But not being totally in love. Then one day you wake up, and .... bang. Your madly in love with your partner again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Rick,

Stay strong and do not contact her!

If you haven't done so yet, cancel all joint credit cards (or remove her name from them).

Also take half the money in any joint bank accounts and move it to an account(s) with only your name on it. If your paycheck goes directly into any joint account, change that to one of your accounts.

If you pay the cell phone account, call up the provider and remove her phone from the account. Ask them to set up a seperate account and have the billing go to her mom's or wherever. Same thing with other things like car insurance

She wants to be single, let her find out what it can coat in dollars let alone destroyed homes....


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Rick,
> 
> Stay strong and do not contact her!
> 
> ...


Thank the gods we never got joint bank accounts, its my mortgage, and we dont have anything joint. She paid her bills, i paid mine. 

I gave her a secure roof over her head. Shes away to live in her mums, whos in alot of debt and arrears herself. Shes in a low paid job with no real prospects. She'll get a shock when she discovers how much a house costs to run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

The thing is, i can now picture myself going on dates now. Something ive not done in years. For years ive put her on a pedestal, and now im imagining how good my life will be when i meet a woman who isnt as difficult to please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rick,

Just be careful if once she realizes what she's done to herself (her lifestyle that is) that when she comes crawling back, don't fall for it!


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Im trying to prepare myself for that, i dont know what it is she has over me. Ive dumped countless girls in the past (not proud of it), but marriage changed me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

The only thing i keep thinking about is why did she leave me hanging for 2 days? On thursday she said we'd talk on sunday. All day friday and saturday i was getting texts off her saying shes looking forward to sorting things out, and that hopefully we could fix things. But when sunday came, she had no other option than leaving, and separating. Since ive appepted it, i cant exactly ask her why, and im trying not to contact her anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm guessing her, but maybe what ever feeling she has for another man, she was seeing if this man had the same feelings. It appears her new boy friend does have those same feeling so hence the commitment to leave you.

Or

maybe your wife has a toxic girl friend that took her 2 days to work on your wife in convinencing her to leave.


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## dzd&confused (Nov 27, 2012)

Rick- similar situation as you, crazy how this board works like that. I've been at it since September and NOW she's comming to me asking to go to MC. Its almost terrifying that it actually happened. I did not expect it at all and and now that it's happened Im even more confused. 

Bottom line is prepare yourself! Be ready for the unexpected and know what YOU want. It will make your future days through this hell a little better and that helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

dzd&confused said:


> Rick- similar situation as you, crazy how this board works like that. I've been at it since September and NOW she's comming to me asking to go to MC. Its almost terrifying that it actually happened. I did not expect it at all and and now that it's happened Im even more confused.
> 
> Bottom line is prepare yourself! Be ready for the unexpected and know what YOU want. It will make your future days through this hell a little better and that helps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Arent you aprehensive about getting back incase it happens again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

It is so rare for people to just "fall out of love" in situations that don't involve another person. I know you are saying there isn't anyone else, but I just find that hard to believe, I'd still keep a keen eye on what is going on. She may even be in love with someone else but it is someone she can't even have... that happens too.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> It is so rare for people to just "fall out of love" in situations that don't involve another person. I know you are saying there isn't anyone else, but I just find that hard to believe, I'd still keep a keen eye on what is going on. She may even be in love with someone else but it is someone she can't even have... that happens too.


Whats the point? Would it make it any easier? If she is, and i find out from a third party, then the guys welcome to her. Hes in for a nightmare!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

rickster said:


> Whats the point? Would it make it any easier? If she is, and i find out from a third party, then the guys welcome to her. Hes in for a nightmare!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear ya, brother


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

rickster said:


> Whats the point? Would it make it any easier? If she is, and i find out from a third party, then the guys welcome to her. Hes in for a nightmare!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For me it is certainly easier to deal with, in terms of realizing that this was not my fault. Certainly the pain of the impending divorce is still there, however when I think about the fact that I cannot fix her, and I know WHY she is saying she doesn't love me, it honestly does make it easier for me.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Day 3. Im feeling ALOT better about the situation now. After speaking to a work colleague, i realise that (a) it takes 2 people to make a marriage, and (b) the person who i'll spend my life with is out there, i just havent met her yet.

Im going to think about her still, but instead of happy thoughts, im going to use the bad ones to my advantage. Like the times when i was lying in bed, wondering when she was going to show up. 

You ultimately think about sex. If this other guys getting to experience all the good things about her. I try to think about the bad things, like her morning breath, her face without make up, her fat ass, her selfishness in bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

10 hours on. I hit the gym, was feeling good. I even have another woman hitting on me now. Until i bumped into HER walking down the street. She was on her phone and didnt even look twice at me. 

Im back to square one now, i miss her so much!!! How can someone be as cold hearted to someone who they shared so many happy memories.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

rick,

She's obviously not the woman you married. She's changed and it's all for the worse.

Enjoy the attention you're getting and move forward to put this bad chapter of your life in the trash

Stay strong and good luck!


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Every nerve in my body is telling me to forget about her. But my heart seems to be over riding that. I wish this was a terrible dream and im going to wake up soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

rickster said:


> Every nerve in my body is telling me to forget about her. But my heart seems to be over riding that. I wish this was a terrible dream and im going to wake up soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yanno what... me too...
I wish I could turn back the clock...

way back. 

hugs rickster...


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Day 4. Feeling ok, ive stopped wishing the phone would ring now. Theres no point in worrying about something thats out of your hands. So im focusing all my energy into stuff that i do control. Work, the gym, ive even started decorating (plenty if manly colours), and im looking at buying a pool table for the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Ok. Im finally over her now. I packed all her things and didbt feel a thing ..... nothing!

To add to that, another girl has showed her interest. She said shes had ger eye on me for years, but didnt want to step on anyones toes. Shes such a good person, and something she said has really hit home. "its time for you to enjoy life, i'll show you what a real womens like".

I told her im not ready to date, she said no rush.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Small update for anyone thats interested. 

After today i cant believe how much of a headcase i married! I was at the lawyers today, and recieved a text off the devil asking why i was rushing into divorce proceedings. She left, she moved out, she suggested divorce, she said she doesnt want to be with me, but wonders why im going through with a divorce????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

She wants to keep you as her back-up plan in case her new, single life of boinking other men doesn't work out!

File as fast as you can before she gets her hooks back into you!


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Thats the thing. Her words were "i dont want to be with you, so dont get your hopes up, but i wish you didnt rush into seeing a lawyer". I dont think shes right in the head, and i cant wait till shes out of my life forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

rickster said:


> Small update for anyone thats interested.
> 
> After today i cant believe how much of a headcase i married! I was at the lawyers today, and recieved a text off the devil asking why i was rushing into divorce proceedings. She left, she moved out, she suggested divorce, she said she doesnt want to be with me, but wonders why im going through with a divorce????





rickster said:


> Thats the thing. Her words were "i dont want to be with you, so dont get your hopes up, but i wish you didnt rush into seeing a lawyer". I dont think shes right in the head, and i cant wait till shes out of my life forever.


Hah. You know, I've been getting the same treatment form my STBXW... She moved into the spare room in May, and threatened divorce. Ever since then, she's been pushing me to "Give up", "Let go", "Move on" and saying things like "We're not a family, we're just two people who happen to have kids."

We even talked over terms for splitting finances, custody schedules, child support, dividing assets and such. I finally got tired of waiting for her to do something about it... I warned her I was going to meet with a lawyer, and brought back a rough draft of divorce papers based on what we'd talked about. She completely freaked out about it as if I was doing all this behind her back and it was some big surprise.

Crazy and delusional.


Pb.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I dont think i'll ever understand the female brain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

rickster said:


> I dont think i'll ever understand the female brain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


me either.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

rickster said:


> I dont think i'll ever understand the female brain.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hahaha. The plight of the ages, lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I must apologize for rabbiting on. But i just cant get over the situation ive ended up in. Im starting to really despise her for this, but i just cant accept the fact i let myself get so in love with someone, for them to rip my heart out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Ive been great this past 2 weeks. Until today. She came up for the last of her stuff, and to discuss a few money issues. Ive found out, through a reliable source, that shes seeing someone else. I havent let on i know about her OM, and gave her the opportunity to come clean. I asked if shes been seeing anyone, i wasnt moaning, i just thought after everything, she'd be honest. But no, she swears blind that theres nobody involved, and isnt interested in another relationship. How can she lie to me like that? She lies with ease, and its just not the way she was when we first met. For the record, im so much better off without her, and the other guy is welcome to her. I just cant understand the need to carry on telling lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Who knows?

My W continues to insist she and OM didn't get physical even having slept w each other for days at a time on 3 different occasions. 

Yeah, buddy, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

posOM sent pictures of his hard c**k to my wife's email account.

She told me the weren't of "him".

That, and she said he never saw him again since the trip when she met him. Never mind the photo he emailed of a hotel bed with our city's skyline in background.

LOL...

I could go on with more. But why bother?

Desperate cover ups by desperate people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I know! The best thing for all would be for her to say "listen, ive met someone else." We're all adults and i could accept it. I hoped we'd be the type of divorcees that can have a laugh and joke about it in the future, but this blatant lying is just creating alot of hatred.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

rickster said:


> I know! The best thing for all would be for her to say "listen, ive met someone else." We're all adults and i could accept it. I hoped we'd be the type of divorcees that can have a laugh and joke about it in the future, but this blatant lying is just creating alot of hatred.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will eventually drop the hate and have a good chuckle about how ridiculous the things they say really are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

spun said:


> You will eventually drop the hate and have a good chuckle about how ridiculous the things they say really are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I dont think so. Im such an easy going guy, and was willing to accept it and move on. But these lies are causing me alot of grief. I loved her with everything i had, and she was never a liar, but finding out all these things, and seeing her bare faced lying to me really angers me.

The thing is, i cant just blurt it out, because it wouldnt look too good on myself as to how i came about the truth. I even said it would just be between us 2, so it didnt look bad on her, and i was serious about keeping quiet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Remind me how you came about the truth, rickster
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

rickster said:


> I dont think so. Im such an easy going guy, and was willing to accept it and move on. But these lies are causing me alot of grief. I loved her with everything i had, and she was never a liar, but finding out all these things, and seeing her bare faced lying to me really angers me.
> 
> The thing is, i cant just blurt it out, because it wouldnt look too good on myself as to how i came about the truth. I even said it would just be between us 2, so it didnt look bad on her, and i was serious about keeping quiet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well since you have to stay married for 2 years before divorce does infidelity shorten the separation period?

Because if it did I would get the proof ASAP so I would not have to tolerate her lies.

99% of them lie rickster. It is the way it is.

When I knew my fiancé was lying to me I followed her for 2 days. She was doing not one, not two but four of my friends. She was quite busy when she thought I was away.

I got the proof. I needed to see it with my own eyes.

I also needed her to know that I saw who she really was.

Only then did she stop lying. And then was when I found out about my best friend. He was the fifth.

All I can say is you can walk away or you can put people in their proper place.

The choice is yours......


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> All I can say is you can *[a]* walk away or *[b.]* you can put people in their proper place.
> 
> The choice is yours......


How about *[c]*...putting them in their place *AS* you walk away?


.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

rickster said:


> Ive been great this past 2 weeks. Until today. She came up for the last of her stuff, and to discuss a few money issues. Ive found out, through a reliable source, that shes seeing someone else. I havent let on i know about her OM, and gave her the opportunity to come clean. I asked if shes been seeing anyone, i wasnt moaning, i just thought after everything, she'd be honest. But no, she swears blind that theres nobody involved, and isnt interested in another relationship. How can she lie to me like that? She lies with ease, and its just not the way she was when we first met. For the record, im so much better off without her, and the other guy is welcome to her. I just cant understand the need to carry on telling lies.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is there a full moon today? The WS seem to be going crazy. So many other's having the exact same problem this weekend. When my stbxw and I split - we promised each other that we would tell each other if there was another person (she wanted to "date" during separation). That was a pact. So today she dropped by the house with the kids to pick up some clothes and I asked her straight out if she's seeing somebody. She said "no", looking at the wall, not me. 

I suspect she taking our kids to his place tonight for a Superbowl party. My wife said it's at a "friend's" house but wouldn't tell me the "friend's" name. And my wife is so sly and sneaky these days that I am sure she will introduce him as just a "friend" and they'll keep their hands off of each other while the kids are there - that probably adds to their excitement. Kids come back tonight and she'll probably drive right back to his place.

Why do they need to carry on the lies? Answer: Because they are LIARS.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

They're seeing someone else?

"in this, rejoice and be glad". 

I think that's Biblical


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Looking through this I believe Rickster was the victim of a love addict. 

His wife was passionate and loving when they first met, getting high of the dopamine and other euphoric brain chemicals, but as time went on the euphoria subsided and her immature mind told her she must not be in love anymore. 

Now she's off again to find another man to provide that high again. 

Rickster you did nothing wrong. Your STBXW is a psychologically immature individual. She does not have the capacity to nurture the deep committed love that keeps a couple together after the initial courtship phase has died down. She will probably never develop this capacity, and is doomed to a sad life of roving from one short relationship to another. She needs help.

Elizabeth Taylor, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and Marylin Monroe were all Love Addicts. It is a real disease, as real as alcoholism or porn addiction, and every bit as destructive. You dodged a huge bullet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

spudster said:


> Looking through this I believe Rickster was the victim of a love addict.
> 
> His wife was passionate and loving when they first met, getting high of the dopamine and other euphoric brain chemicals, but as time went on the euphoria subsided and her immature mind told her she must not be in love anymore.
> 
> ...


Spudster, this is so true. I know ive dodged a bullet. Thankyou for your words of wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

old timer said:


> Remind me how you came about the truth, rickster
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read her mobile phone bill. Found at least 30 texts a day to a number i never seen before. Got a few of my buddies to put it in their phones, would you know, its a guy one of my freinds knew. I dont want to make myself out to be snooping on her, so i'll just move on. Oh and the texts match up and stop on nights when she was supposed to be out with her girlfreinds. Obviously meeting up with this chump. I dint even know the guy but my buddy says hes a bit of a player. 

Onwards and upwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Exactly.

Move on. 

Without her.

And let her get played....


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

rickster said:


> Read her mobile phone bill. Found at least 30 texts a day to a number i never seen before. Got a few of my buddies to put it in their phones, would you know, its a guy one of my freinds knew. I dont want to make myself out to be snooping on her, so i'll just move on. Oh and the texts match up and stop on nights when she was supposed to be out with her girlfreinds. Obviously meeting up with this chump. I dint even know the guy but my buddy says hes a bit of a player.
> 
> Onwards and upwards.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't leave us Rickster. Let us know how you are progressing.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Yeah, i'll keep posting on here, it really helps. Having my ups and downs, but overall im getting better each day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

rickster said:


> I must apologize for rabbiting on. But i just cant get over the situation ive ended up in. Im starting to really despise her for this, but i just cant accept the fact i let myself get so in love with someone, for them to rip my heart out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want to answer both your posts here, I saw where you posted up in my thread too.

rickster don't ever think you have it easier than I do, you are dealing with every bit as much pain as me. I just wish I had been wrong when I posted in your thread about their being another man. It is sick, and sad at the same time, that people do things like this to other people. Yes, you and I are not perfect men, there are things that we likely could have done better in our marriage, but those are things to be communicated to us within the circle of marriage, so that they can be repaired.

BUt when our wives went outside that circle, that is how they came to the conclusions of "I don't love you anymore". It has NOTHING to do with you at that point. You cannot fix it, you cannot blame yourself, the only thing that could ever have fixed either of our relationships would be if our wives would have

A) gone to get personal counseling to fix their own situations
B) (HUGE) actually be HONEST during counseling about their own problems, both personal and marriage counseling
C) Cut off all contact with the OM, ZERO contact, no facebook, no phone, email, absolutely no searching them up on the internet. 

You and I will not see this happen, and it is unfortunate. I don't know about your spirituality but I say a prayer for you also, and believe it or not I pray for my wife, because she's going to need it, really more than I will once I'm past all of this. 

Hang in there my friend.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You are right PO.

Your wives could have come to you, communicated with you. No one is perfect. Neither spouse.

But once they engage a 3rd party. Whether it be confide in, flirt with, EA or PA with.

Then it is no longer about issues within the marriage. 

Because the boundaries are now gone. They stepped out of the marriage.

All you can do then is step back, protect yourselves and your kids if you have them and control your own actions.

Because your sphere of influence with your wayward spouse has decreased significantly. If not totally!

HM64


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

happyman64, yeah she did step out of line when she cheated, im way past the acceptance stage now. The lies and deceit have destroyed any small feelings i had left for her. Im now at the stage where id be happy if i never placed eyes on her again.

Thankfully theres no kids involved, the house is mine, and theres no complications. So the divorce proceedings have been fine. Come may 2014 i'll be a free man.

Ive arranged a date with a lovely understanding women. For work reasons its not until the end of the month. So im going to use the next few weeks to work out and immerse myself in my job, so i can give this other lady 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Oh no. Out of the blue i get a text message off my stbxw. Asking why i didnt make the effort towards the end of our relationship. ?!?!? I didnt even get the chance to, she just up and left. Ive been trying to be civil, but i honestly didnt do anything wrong. 

Shes a real piece of work, and i cant wait to erase her from my life completely. Its just aswell im a happy go lucky guy, because this would drive a person to the nuthouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Oh, may i add, im not even going to aknowledge it with a reply.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds like she is blameshifting. I would guess there were things in the relationship that you did or didn't do, maybe you didn't make enough effort for her. Doesn't matter though, none of us are perfect and she chose to deal with that imperfection not by communicating and working at it but by doing what she did. You stopped owing her an explanation for why you did or didn't do things when she cheated and left.

Maybe she now regrets that and is reaching out. Maybe her new found freedom isn't as awesome as she hoped. Maybe she wants to see if you are available as plan B.

If you are happy with your decision to move on there is no reason to reply. Just a thought though, are you really so happy go lucky or is it a coping mechanism? If you are being honest with yourself then just be NC and leave her to her own devises safe in the knowledge you have nothing to be ashamed of for that.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

No, ive always been content in life. I dont owe her anything, because the things she moans about (apart from being trivial) were fixable. She didnt communicate with me, she chose to pursue another relationship. At the end, the week leading up to her leaving, she sat almost silent. I asked her if there was anything wrong, and if theres anything i can do to cheer her up. All i got were one word answers. Then she left, i didnt get the chance to ask WHY. 

She feels guilty and is making excuses, clutching at straws. Im not letting this derail my recovery. My lifes moving on, what she does with hers is no concern to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Exactly. Stay dark.


She is portraying herself as the victim.

She deserves no more acknowledgement from you.

Keep focusing in you and your future.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Amen, totally agree with you Rickster. She doesn't deserve anything from you, not so much as a reply. 

I just wondered if you were as OK as you sound. I wish I had my sh!t together like that.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Amen, totally agree with you Rickster. She doesn't deserve anything from you, not so much as a reply.
> 
> I just wondered if you were as OK as you sound. I wish I had my sh!t together like that.


I am good, but deep down im not totally back to normal. I have my ups and downs, and when feelings start to creep in i focus on all the bad things about her. Everybody has different ways of coping, but what ive been doing is trying to enjoy my own company. This website has been great though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

rickster said:


> I have my ups and downs, and when feelings start to creep in i focus on all the bad things about her. Everybody has different ways of coping, but what ive been doing is trying to enjoy my own company.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This works for me, too. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sound like you've been doing as well as can be expected. Keep it up and keep us posted.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Hi guys. Just thought i'd touch base and let you all know how im doing. 

Overall, im great. Ive been spending alot of time with friends abd family. Its the times i spend alone that seem the hardest. In bed at night, waking up in the morning. I still think about her. But i think thats good. Its helping me get over her. 

The biggest thing for me is seeing other people. I must admit, since we seperated a month or so ago, ive had a couple of one night stands. They've served their purpose, nothing serious, just sex. It might not be for everyone, but it sure as hell helped me forget about her.

Ive actually arranged to go on 2 proper dates next weekend. One of the ladies, ive always held a candle for, and eventually, there could be something there.

To anyone reading this, going through a divorce. Act happy in public, stay active, take some vitamin D supplements. 

Im nowhere near back to normal, but i can see a massive flashlight at the end of a very long tunnel, and i just want to sprint towards it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

They wouldnt be for me but I dont see anything wrong with 1 nighters. If you are set on moving on do that however you need to I think.

Proper dates would i think be much scarier this soon. You will need to be careful of what you are actually feeling etc

Good luck to you fella.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> They wouldnt be for me but I dont see anything wrong with 1 nighters. If you are set on moving on do that however you need to I think.
> 
> Proper dates would i think be much scarier this soon. You will need to be careful of what you are actually feeling etc
> 
> Good luck to you fella.


Can totally understand your concern. But the way i see it, ive done nothing wrong here. I was a devoted and loyal husband. Why waste another second of my life on someone who treated me like a dog? 

Its about time i got back on the saddle, meeting new people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Headed to New Orleans for Mardi Gras myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Agree on being nothing wrong with it. If you are ready go for it.

I know i would be prone to stereotypical rebound mistakes and dramas though. Thats what i mean about being careful and how it could be a bit scary. I would be second guessing if i really liked someone or if it was just wanting to be with 'someone'. Thats just my issues though.

I meant the good luck. No reason you shouldnt seek happiness and i hope you find it.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I wish I had your strength rickster


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Po12345 said:


> I wish I had your strength rickster


Po, keep the chin up man. Your a free man, its your life to live my man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

I thought i'd pop a message on here, to let anyone thats interested know whats happening in my life now. 

Im so happy right now. I was out on a date a couple of nights ago. And its totally changed my view of my failed marriage. The woman i took out, although it may not lead to anything serious, is 1000 times more suited to me as a person. Were going on another date, probably in a few weeks, but were taking things VERY slow. 

Its made me realise something. Yes my marriage ended only 6 weeks ago, but if truth be told, it was over a long time before that. Im not sure it was EVER a proper marriage.

This new woman has been brilliant, and patient. Ive been as open as possible, shes free to ask me whatever she wants, and i'll be as honest as i can. 

I didnt plan this at all, and if it does lead to something, it'll happen naturally. I know it sounds ruthless, but im over my STBXW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Sounds pretty good. As you say take it easy and it leads where it leads. Maybe ruthless? Nah, you may well be right, the fact you guys were in trouble just 6 months in, maybe there were just fundamental issues from the start. If she came back a second time would you just be wondering how long till next time?

Only thing I would say is make sure you look at where things went wrong in your marriage from your side and what you can do to be a better you. Learn from it and don't let a new relationship get in the way of that.

Other than that I hope you find real happiness.


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

K.C. said:


> Sounds pretty good. As you say take it easy and it leads where it leads. Maybe ruthless? Nah, you may well be right, the fact you guys were in trouble just 6 months in, maybe there were just fundamental issues from the start. If she came back a second time would you just be wondering how long till next time?
> 
> Only thing I would say is make sure you look at where things went wrong in your marriage from your side and what you can do to be a better you. Learn from it and don't let a new relationship get in the way of that.
> 
> Other than that I hope you find real happiness.


Yep, spot on. There is times in my marriage when i could've acted better. But the main thing for me was i was too nice, too polite. Far too nice to go through with a marriage that i wasnt getting happiness out of, just because i thought it was the right thing to do. 

This new lady probably wont be the one, but she sure as hell is making me feel alot better about life. For the first time in months i wake up happy. 

I dont see why i should let a miserable marriage take up anymore of my time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Rickster

Not ruthless at all. Just take your time.

And clean up the mess as best and as quick as you can.

Good luck and thanks for the update.

HM64


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