# Old Sex Pictures



## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Not sure if this is the right place for this topic; but it is definitely affecting my sex life. I came across some old pictures, from before my husband and I even knew each other, of his having sex with a woman. I have been SO UPSET since finding these!! I can't get the images out of my head. I mean I KNOW he had sex with others, but to see it??

Anyone else ever experienced this?

To make it worse he tried to lie about it - saying the pics weren't him...but c'mon...I KNOW what my husbands ass and **** look like....

He fessed up, said he didn't even tell me about the experience (it was supposedly a crazy "online" sex-only relationship) because he didn't want to hurt me.

I can't even look at him now....


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

SunnyDaze said:


> Not sure if this is the right place for this topic; but it is definitely affecting my sex life. I came across some old pictures, from before my husband and I even knew each other, of his having sex with a woman. I have been SO UPSET since finding these!! I can't get the images out of my head. I mean I KNOW he had sex with others, but to see it??
> 
> Anyone else ever experienced this?
> 
> ...


I understand you don't know what to do with these feelings. But to be honest you should not have looked at them. But what is done is done.

He really did nothing wrong. Of course he lied about it. He was either embarrassed or trying to protect your feelings. Maybe neither. Does not matter. 

I guess the really only issue is where did you find them and why was he keeping them. That is a bigger issue that what is in the pictures. Did he forget about them or were they stashed away somewhere? When you say old pics do you mean a few years or 20? If its from a long time ago I would question why they are still around. If they are more recent then it just may be they never got thrown away.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Why does he have them?

Are you sure they are old photos?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Right....and he forgot it was on his {computer, phone?} or hard copy, printed... sloshy glossies?

Where did you find them?

Do you think he has re-visited them on occasion?

If you think he actually did forget about them, that is one plus.

The fact that he lied and tried to deflect and minimize..... a minus.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Yeah, this is a tough one for sure. My wife, me, and a few of her friends were cleaning out the house she owned that her ex husband had been living in the past couple of years before he went back to prison so she could sell it, and I had the pleasure of finding the c*ck rings and other sex toys in the same drawer as pictures of her and them together in...not pleasant.


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Yikes!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I think the big question, as others have asked, why does he still have those photos. If this happened before you even met could he have consciously kept these photos? However, in all fairness, I don't think it would be unreasonable if someone had some old stuff that was buried away and didn't think twice about afterwards.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SunnyDaze said:


> ....I came across some old pictures, from before my husband and I even knew each other, of his having sex with a woman...


You may find it helpful to burn these photos, or whatever device they are stored on right in front of him! Might make you feel a little better....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Damn...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Many years (well several decades!) ago, before I was dating my future wife, I had a brief relationship with a very passionate woman. We were not right for each other, and it ended soon, but it was a huge amount of fun. 

I don't want a relationship with her, don't particularly want to see her again, but I still have very pleasant memories. If I had pictures I would have kept them. There is just a sense of nostalgia to old good memories, and it would feel wrong to throw them out. 


OP - if these are old pictures from before you met, I'd suggest letting them go. Don't put yourself in competition with a memory.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

uhtred said:


> If I had pictures I would have kept them.


Seriously - after you got married again??

I think that if a guy has such pleasant memories of sexual encounters pre-wife, this is a case where the Little White Lie needs to come into play. Don't EVER tell your wife. And if you DO have pictures, get the HELL rid of them, no matter how 'wrong' you think it feels. That's not a feeling of 'wrong', it's a feeling of lust, and you need to direct that into your marriage and NOT at some old pictures.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Many years (well several decades!) ago, before I was dating my future wife, I had a brief relationship with a very passionate woman. We were not right for each other, and it ended soon, but it was a huge amount of fun.
> 
> I don't want a relationship with her, don't particularly want to see her again, but I still have very pleasant memories. If I had pictures I would have kept them. There is just a sense of nostalgia to old good memories, and it would feel wrong to throw them out.
> 
> ...


Really? You'd be fine with your wife keeping pictures of her fvcking another man?

If I found pics like that of my hb they'd just disappear.

Either he wouldn't notice or he'd have to have the pair to ask me about them. 

I can see it now: honey, have you seen my ex sex pictures?

Yeah, that conversation wouldn't come up.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@SunnyDaze

The issue here is *definitely* that he might have kept these photos on purpose.

That's really the only issue. You've admitted that, of course, there were others before you---and you've have others before him.

Still, that would definitely be a nasty shock.

Your husband should be willing to burn/shred/dispose of these pics immediately.

Any reluctance to do so is bad news.

Also, have you guys ever taken pictures sexually before? If not, did you feel jealousy that he took pictures with someone else; but not you?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> If I found pics like that of my hb they'd just disappear.
> 
> Either he wouldn't notice or he'd have to have the pair to ask me about them.
> 
> ...


:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Before we married, my H and I lived together.

I had a box full of old high school yearbooks, pictures of my first pet, rally ribbons from H.S. football games.....and a card from the guy I lost my virginity to, a note I found stuck in my car door from a guy who liked me, and a letter from a guy I had asked out on a date.

I kept them for a while longer, because my husband--live in bf. at the time--- used to say that he didn't think he'd ever want to get married, amongst other things.

Anywayzz, I got rid of those things after we got married.

It felt good keeping them, because when I felt really low, they reminded me that other guys had liked me before my husband.

Not the most mature thing to do; but we do weird things for emotional comfort and security.

OP, do you think these photos served that kind of purpose for your husband?


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## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the replies. I don't think he knew the pictures still existed. We were cleaning out the office and found some old flash drives. The photos are tagged from 2008. He wasn't reluctant at all for me to take the flash drives and see what was on them, so I really don't think he had any idea.

Its strange but although I am certain the pics were from before my time, I feel like I have been cheated on. And yes, I think I am a bit jealous....when we had talked about prior relationships he made them all sound so vanilla, and that some of the stuff we do is new (like take pictures) when obviously its not. I guess it takes some of the specialness away...thinking you have experienced something new and fun together when you really didn't. 

I don't know how to get the images out of my head! I guess it just takes time. Trying to figure it out....


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

SunnyDaze said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I don't think he knew the pictures still existed. We were cleaning out the office and found some old flash drives. The photos are tagged from 2008. He wasn't reluctant at all for me to take the flash drives and see what was on them, so I really don't think he had any idea.
> 
> Its strange but although I am certain the pics were from before my time, I feel like I have been cheated on. And yes, I think I am a bit jealous....when we had talked about prior relationships he made them all sound so vanilla, and that some of the stuff we do is new (like take pictures) when obviously its not. I guess it takes some of the specialness away...thinking you have experienced something new and fun together when you really didn't.
> 
> I don't know how to get the images out of my head! I guess it just takes time. Trying to figure it out....



That's great that there isn't anything sneaky going on----big positive in my book.

Your feelings are normal and natural. There are a lot of threads on TAM about feeling "retroactive jealousy". Most people don't have to see pictures though; ouch!!!

Since most of us don't marry virgins; and we ourselves are not virgins when we marry; then the fact is that sex does lose some of it's "specialness". There is always a definite chance that your spouse enjoyed at least some aspect of sex more with a previous partner.

It's not fun or happy. But it's a fact of life for most of us. You're not alone.


Hope you guys can get over this. I'd let your husband know that this has left you feeling kind of vulnerable and fragile. Hopefully he lets you know how much you mean to him; and that he really loves you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SunnyDaze said:


> Thanks for all the replies. I don't think he knew the pictures still existed. We were cleaning out the office and found some old flash drives. The photos are tagged from 2008. He wasn't reluctant at all for me to take the flash drives and see what was on them, so I really don't think he had any idea.
> 
> Its strange but although I am certain the pics were from before my time, I feel like I have been cheated on. And yes, I think I am a bit jealous....when we had talked about prior relationships he made them all sound so vanilla, and that some of the stuff we do is new (like take pictures) when obviously its not. I guess it takes some of the specialness away...thinking you have experienced something new and fun together when you really didn't.
> 
> I don't know how to get the images out of my head! *I guess it just takes time*. Trying to figure it out....


I have a lot of experience with this, and I think this is the only thing that ultimately helps. It is really tough and there will be triggers, the images will flash before your eyes, sometimes when you least expect it. Just ride through the waves of feelings, and don't fight them. Let the wash over you and they will pass. In time, the waves will be smaller and fewer and farther between.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

I agree with posts above.

It is good that he wasn't hiding them as some sort of porn stash.

And although he lied about them, maybe he just was embarrassed, or temporarily stupid. So no biggie.

Tell him how you feel about the photos. Then, perhaps, destroy the flash drive with a hammer, or just delete the photos/directory.

It must be very painful to see them. Yes everyone has history, but I don't want to see it. I suppose this is everyones future though, with selfies, phone cameras etc. When I grew up sex pictures would have needed a big professional camera and a dark room to develop your own photos.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sure, she is with me now. I didn't marry a virgin, why should it bother me if she still had fond memories of another man - that doesn't mean that she prefers him. 






lifeistooshort said:


> Really? You'd be fine with your wife keeping pictures of her fvcking another man?
> 
> If I found pics like that of my hb they'd just disappear.
> 
> ...


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

SunnyDaze said:


> Not sure if this is the right place for this topic; but it is definitely affecting my sex life. I came across some old pictures, from before my husband and I even knew each other, of his having sex with a woman. I have been SO UPSET since finding these!! I can't get the images out of my head. I mean I KNOW he had sex with others, but to see it??
> 
> Anyone else ever experienced this?


Yes


> To make it worse he tried to lie about it - saying the pics weren't him...but c'mon...I KNOW what my husbands ass and **** look like....
> 
> He fessed up, said he didn't even tell me about the experience (it was supposedly a crazy "online" sex-only relationship) because he didn't want to hurt me.
> 
> I can't even look at him now....


His denial comes from embarrassment and yes not wanting to hurt you, from the sound of it.

It is not easy to "see" it. The thing is that you will get over it and it will become a thing of the past. He has a sexual history, as do you. Just imagine if there just happened to be pictures of your history. The picture doesn't change history, it just captures it in the form of pixels. A lot of individuals have the luxury of being lucky enough to not encountering those pixels, because they would have a similar reaction that you have had. It is blissful ignorance.

Every individual (in this digital age) should be prepared for this type of thing and put it into perspective.

What will help you is Mindfulness, of which I am a practicioner and teacher. I have been in your shoes, so I know the challenges and what works.

#1 - acknowledge your emotion without judgment.
#2 - acknowledge the mental image without judgment.
#3 - refocus on a task at-hand.

Repeat as needed. You will build new cognitive habits that, more and more, do the work for you. Eventually, you will just shrug your shoulders with ease. What will set you back is giving into ruminating about it, fighting the analogous pink elephant and letting your inner voice ask open-ended questions. Should the latter occur, *answer them*.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I am sure I would be stunned and hurt if I came across pictures like this. But the fact that pictures exist wouldn't bother me.

I have old sex pictures with more than one ex. I don't know if he has any. 

If I came across some of his, yes I would be momentarily really hurt by having to see them. But not by the fact that they were taken, nor by whatever they showed. 

I know he would be hurt if he saw mine too....but not hurt by the fact that they exist.

I don't go looking at my old pics, but I also will never destroy them either. As far as I'm concerned, they are works of art.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I am sure I would be stunned and hurt if I came across pictures like this. But the fact that pictures exist wouldn't bother me.
> 
> I have old sex pictures with more than one ex. I don't know if he has any.
> 
> ...


I respect this. I think there is a lot of peace in this sort of acceptance.

I wish in many ways that I had never been with anyone before Dug. That sort of purity would have made my life much simpler. I grew up in a very religious family, and have a lot of shame/guilt that comes from having both pretty set ideas about sexual right/wrong, and sexual curiosity. I still feel conflicted, many years later. 

OP, I am sure it was very hard to see what you saw. But it is an opportunity for growth, too. The reality, as others have said, is that most of us are not virgins when we meet our life partner. We are not pure. And one consequence of that is that we have to be able to accept, and somehow make peace with, a partner's likely impurity, too.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your feelings are normal and natural. There are a lot of threads on TAM about feeling "retroactive jealousy". Most people don't have to see pictures though; ouch!!!
> 
> Since most of us don't marry virgins; and we ourselves are not virgins when we marry; then the fact is that sex does lose some of it's "specialness". There is always a definite chance that your spouse enjoyed at least some aspect of sex more with a previous partner.
> 
> ...


I suspect almost everybody, at one point, has to deal with something like this. For many, it doesn't bother them in the slightest.

Both my wife and my ex wife each did something similar (and total coincidentally) - they each casually mentioned that they had had sex somewhere. Each place was out of the ordinary (my ex wife on this big rock in a park, my wife on top of a train in an outdoor train museum, lol!!) Each place I drove by regularly at the time, so you can imagine that!

My current wife also kept her prom photos (of course), but a handful of them were the guy shirtless with her hands all over him (and we has pretty ripped!) Posed photos, taken by somebody else, and clearly somebody suggested he take his shirt off for the photos. Not comfortable to look at.

These things took some time, but I got over them. It's never pleasant to see your partner with somebody else, or be given enough information to imagine them with somebody else.

For me, it wasn't imagining them WITH somebody else, per se. With the photos, it was that my wife never gropes me like that (I don't have 6-pack abs though!). And with the other thing, neither my wife nor ex wife and I had/have sex in adventurous places. And I've tried.

It's not so much about 'keeping up with the Joneses', or 'you did it for that guy', so much as it is my wife (and ex wife) said 'no' to doing things like that with me. But that's a whole other thread subject...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The question is not so much that he still has those pictures, but why he has those photos!

Given that he's now in a marital relationship, my primary question has got to be exactly why hasn't he shredded or burned the damned things? *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

arbitrator said:


> *The question is not so much that he still has those pictures, but why he has those photos!
> 
> Given that he's now in a marital relationship, my primary question has got to be exactly why hasn't he shredded or burned the damned things? *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As OP mentioned above, they were on flash drives and apparently forgotten about.

It happens. I don't know about everybody else, but I have USB sticks and flash drives and memory cards floating around that I have no idea what's on them. There are 4 memory cards sitting in front of me right now - no clue what's on them!

My laptop had 100's of pictures of my ex wife and I, when I moved in with my current wife before we got married. I didn't keep them on purpose. They're gone now (deleted as I came across them).

Hell, when I was packing up all my stuff before I moved in with my wife, I came across a box of VHS tapes. One of them was my wedding video, with my ex wife. Went in the garbage right then and there! Had no idea I still had that (let alone VHS tapes!)

Out of sight, out of mind.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *The question is not so much that he still has those pictures, but why he has those photos!
> 
> Given that he's now in a marital relationship, my primary question has got to be exactly why hasn't he shredded or burned the damned things? *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never!

Like I said above, those pictures are art and I would never destroy them. Nor would I expect any lover of mine to destroy pics from their past.

It doesn't mean I want to look at them all the time or even think about them. It just means I recorded an event that was fun and healthy at the time I took it. The resulting pics are so beautiful because of this. They represent a moment in time that I was free and uninhibited and feeling beautiful. 

Now....if the pics were terrible, at a bad angle, or made me look fat...they have already been destroyed or deleted.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Never!
> 
> Like I said above, those pictures are art and I would never destroy them. Nor would I expect any lover of mine to destroy pics from their past.
> 
> ...


But knowing that there's a decent likelihood that your partner might be hurt if they stumble across them, wouldn't you at least take precautions to keep them locked up somewhere, out of respect for your partner? That's what safe deposit boxes are for.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Never!
> ...


Of course they are no where anyone would ever find them, and no one ever will.

I have some that are prints, they are in a sealed envelope. 

All digital ones are on flash drive kept in a special place no one would ever have any reason to look.

I have told my sister where these are, in case of my untimely death, she can get to them before my kids or partner ever sees them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> But knowing that there's a decent likelihood that your partner might be hurt if they stumble across them, wouldn't you at least take precautions to keep them locked up somewhere, out of respect for your partner? That's what safe deposit boxes are for.


And if they are being kept simply for the sake of being kept without any real intention of looking at them, reliving the moment? Why aren't the memories in the mind good enough? I have to wonder some times if these types of things are kept as some sort of emotional security blanket against an innate fear of the present, of somehow losing the past, and some perceived part of ones self, a safeguard against the unknown...the simple knowledge of their existence provides some comfort...sort of like those boxes in the attic that haven't been touched in a decade, not really having any idea exactly what is in them, yet never thrown out because one might need them someday.

Fairly early in my relationship with my wife, we hit a period of a week or so where she was particularly grumpy, irritated, yet hit hysterical sexual bonding levels...after a bit of talking, come to find out, it was the time of year where she had gotten photographic proof of her ex husband cheating on her several years earlier, and she had kept the photos in a box, and unbeknownst to me, she pulled those pictures out every year to reminisce, relive some old memories...

That was the last time she did that. I laid it out kindly, but bluntly. Gave her a clear choice...her behaviour was not healthy for her, or our relationship, and either the photo album of her ex husband eating out some other chick goes, or I go...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@alexm

I think that sometimes we have to accept that some things are always going to bother us and make us feel insecure.

It takes so much energy (speaking for myself here), to try and "make it go away".

So, I prefer to "stick my finger in the socket", if you will, and fully embrace how bad something makes me feel.

I can't stand being told that I should just get over things that are painful. It's not honest or real.

If this confrontational honesty doesn't alleviate the pain; then I try to balance out bad feelings by pursuing things that I enjoy.

Hope you get to have sex on an outdoor train someday; or an equivalent. But in the meantime---do nice little things for yourself. And don't ask your wife's permission.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Never!
> 
> Like I said above, those pictures are art and I would never destroy them. Nor would I expect any lover of mine to destroy pics from their past.
> 
> ...


What the heck is the sense in keeping pictures that you aren't ever going to look at, and that you have had to make 'arrangements' to get rid of in the event of your untimely death, and that you know would hurt your partner if they stumbled across them??? Call them art or whether else you want to. Art is kind of useless if it's hidden away somewhere. Why not save a pic of a sunset or something taken with your exes that you can keep on the wall and that will remind you of these 'artistic' sexual encounters instead??


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## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Thank you again for all the replies. It helps that you don't think I'm crazy for feeling this way!

I'm trying my best to not think about them. Time and GOOD memories will hopefully take care of that.

Its that he lied at first about them. I know, I know....trying to spare my feelings. Are men really just that (for lack of a better word) "stupid" sometimes? I guess that was somewhat of a rhetorical question 

Thanks again, the replies help immensely.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SunnyDaze said:


> Thank you again for all the replies. It helps that you don't think I'm crazy for feeling this way!
> 
> I'm trying my best to not think about them. Time and GOOD memories will hopefully take care of that.
> 
> ...


My husband can be pretty clueless, OP. He does not mean to hurt my feelings, but it still happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyDaze (Oct 24, 2014)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Yes
> 
> 
> His denial comes from embarrassment and yes not wanting to hurt you, from the sound of it.
> ...


Would you mind clarifying what you mean by "without judgement"
Also, the inner voice asking open ended questions...answer them...I don't understand that.
Thank you!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

alexm said:


> As OP mentioned above, they were on flash drives and apparently forgotten about.
> 
> It happens. I don't know about everybody else, but I have USB sticks and flash drives and memory cards floating around that I have no idea what's on them. There are 4 memory cards sitting in front of me right now - no clue what's on them!
> 
> ...


*Complicitly understood!

I can unequivocally say that if I ran into a copy of my and my RSXW's wedding videos or exhuaustive wedding photos album, I'd absolutely be puking harder than a gaggle of flatulating buzzards!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Of course they are no where anyone would ever find them, and no one ever will.
> 
> I have some that are prints, they are in a sealed envelope.
> 
> ...


The mark of a best friend is someone who deletes your browser history if you die unexpectedly


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Faithful Wife said:


> Never!
> 
> Like I said above, those pictures are art and I would never destroy them. Nor would I expect any lover of mine to destroy pics from their past.
> 
> ...


I take it by your wording, FW, that these pictures are artistic (ie. posed, makeup, 'boudoir' style photos)?

If so, then cool, and everybody needs to lay off!

However, if they're actually pornographic photos, then yeah, I'm with the masses on this one. I don't get the impression that's what these are, though, and that they're more _photography _than _porn_.

Maybe we need to see one so we can judge?  (kidding of course!)


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @alexm
> 
> I think that sometimes we have to accept that some things are always going to bother us and make us feel insecure.
> 
> ...


Honestly, doesn't bother me any more. I wish my wife never pointed that train out to me (it's still there!), but... meh. I have, and had, no particular desire to replicate it, any way! It's just that every time I see that f***ing thing, that's where my brain goes! Keep your sexy memories to yourself, dammit!

I meant more along the lines of that being something rather adventurous, and my wife is decidedly not so. Bedroom only.

Anyway, countless discussions on this topic on TAM, I don't want to rehash any of them. People change, blah blah blah.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> I take it by your wording, FW, that these pictures are artistic (ie. posed, makeup, 'boudoir' style photos)?
> 
> If so, then cool, and everybody needs to lay off!
> 
> ...


There are plenty of couples sex pictures that are very artistic, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I would be very bothered if my wife was purposefully keeping pictures of her having sex with men who aren't me, no matter how artistic they are...I know there's a d1ck in my mouth, but look at how gorgeous the light is, the way it plays off my sweaty hair


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> What the heck is the sense in keeping pictures that you aren't ever going to look at, and that you have had to make 'arrangements' to get rid of in the event of your untimely death, and that you know would hurt your partner if they stumbled across them??? Call them art or whether else you want to. Art is kind of useless if it's hidden away somewhere. Why not save a pic of a sunset or something taken with your exes that you can keep on the wall and that will remind you of these 'artistic' sexual encounters instead??


I definitely agree, why the hell keep pictures that you won't necessarily care about but that you know that your spouse would have and issue with and put you in a bad place. I just sounds like a really stupid thing to do.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

samyeagar said:


> There are plenty of couples sex pictures that are very artistic, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I would be very bothered if my wife was purposefully keeping pictures of her having sex with men who aren't me, no matter how artistic they are...I know there's a d1ck in my mouth, but look at how gorgeous the light is, the way it plays off my sweaty hair


Maybe I read FW's post wrong, but I'm not under the impression they're pictures of her HAVING sex - more just 'sexy pictures'. I may be way off here, though.

I wouldn't be thrilled about it, either. But if they're just pictures of my wife (and only my wife), and they're artistic or tastefully done (even with nudity), I'd live.

But if they're sexually explicit, even soft-core, and involved somebody else - yeah, no thanks. Doesn't matter if there was a professional photographer taking them, lights set up, the whole nine - it's still pictures of my partner with somebody else, engaging in sexual activity.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

alexm said:


> Maybe I read FW's post wrong, but I'm not under the impression they're pictures of her HAVING sex - more just 'sexy pictures'. I may be way off here, though.
> 
> I wouldn't be thrilled about it, either. But if they're just pictures of my wife (and only my wife), and they're artistic or tastefully done (even with nudity), I'd live.
> 
> But if they're sexually explicit, even soft-core, and involved somebody else - yeah, no thanks. Doesn't matter if there was a professional photographer taking them, lights set up, the whole nine - it's still pictures of my partner with somebody else, engaging in sexual activity.


My wife still has some old glamour shots type pictures from when she was a lot younger, and they are quite tastefully erotic. They are of just her, and she does like to look back at her younger 25 year old self...and point out that her boobs are just as good now as they were then...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

This is one of many reasons why I never allowed pictures or video. Luckily, I married a man who had the same policy, so this will never come up for either of us. Bonus: neither of us have to worry about someone else still having pictures or video, either.

I wasn't ok with DH moving in and bringing along gifts from his ex, I can imagine I'd lose my shyte if he had taken and kept X-rated pics of him and another woman.

And, before anyone asks, I did not keep any gifts from my ex's, either. I think it's disrespectful and a way of holding on to said ex. At the end of each previous relationship, I either donated or threw away gifts, pictures, souvenirs, etc.

Plus, I hate clutter. I've always been tidy, but now its at a whole new level. I watched a season or two of Hoarders and became the Anti-Clutter.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> The mark of a best friend is someone who deletes your browser history if you die unexpectedly


Although, if a friend of mine isn't browsing in private/incognito mode I would have to wonder exactly what kind of friendship we really had ... I guess the downside, when you come across that great video, close your browser, and now you somehow gotta find it again >


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Never!
> ...


I didn't say I was never going to look at them again I just said I don't look at them. I will again one day but I'm not sneaking off to wank to them regularly or any weird crap like that, that was my point.

I have many lovely other pictures with exes as well. They are not on my walls because I'm not with them anymore.

Again I'll say, I know previous partners have and I'm sure my current partner has intimate pictures with other people. I know they are not looking at them regularly or even thinking about them. But they still have them somewhere and I'd never ever expect them to get rid of them.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> This is one of many reasons why I never allowed pictures or video. Luckily, I married a man who had the same policy, so this will never come up for either of us. Bonus: neither of us have to worry about someone else still having pictures or video, either.
> 
> I wasn't ok with DH moving in and bringing along gifts from his ex, I can imagine I'd lose my shyte if he had taken and kept X-rated pics of him and another woman.
> 
> ...


This seems to be an issue that tends to line people up on very different, often polarized sides. There doesn't seem to be much middle ground. I am more like you, and my wife was, well, not. It took a while, but most of the personal mementos are gone...I mean, why keep the ex husbands Christmas stocking, and keep it with the regular Christmas decorations where we get to unpack it every year?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I have a feeling this will be a growing issue. It is my understanding, when most people here on TAM were in their prime, dating, etc... electricity hadn't even been discovered yet, so your best bet was a portrait painted :surprise:

Nowadays with phones it seems like everything gets captured (nudes, sex acts, etc...). Who knows what stuff is being kept, but I am sure there is a heck lot more of it that is somehow going to makes it way across a BF/GF/Spouse unexpectedly...

All this talk though, brb, think I will make me a memory ... >


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EllisRedding said:


> I have a feeling this will be a growing issue. It is my understanding, when most people here on TAM were in their prime, dating, etc... electricity hadn't even been discovered yet, so your best bet was a portrait painted :surprise:
> 
> Nowadays with phones it seems like everything gets captured (nudes, sex acts, etc...). Who knows what stuff is being kept, but I am sure there is a heck lot more of it that is somehow going to makes it way across a BF/GF/Spouse unexpectedly...
> 
> All this talk though, brb, think I will make me a memory ... >


I have a big fear of that, too, for the next (current?) generation. Everything seems to be recorded like it's no big deal. And with the internet, things will last forever.

I've had this conversation with my 16 year old already. All well and good if you want to share pictures with your girlfriend, but remember that she can do what she wants with them - even if you trust her now. And vice versa. As he is at the age he's at, we no longer monitor his computer or tablet, but when he was under the age of majority, we definitely did. And we saw WAY more then we'd like, which prompted this conversation with him.

He now knows better, but I'm sure it doesn't stop him. At his age, it's up to him to learn these lessons on his own. When he was 14, 15, it was up to us. I hope it sunk in. It seemed to with his girlfriend, as when she was informed that her boyfriend's mother had seen WAY too much of her, she was mortified and embarrassed, and it seemed to stop on her end. They now use Skype almost exclusively, rather than messaging and sending pictures.

Can't stop teenagers from being horndogs, but reinforcing to them that images and videos live on is imperative.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Of course they are no where anyone would ever find them, and no one ever will.
> 
> I have some that are prints, they are in a sealed envelope.
> 
> ...


:rofl: I don't know why that strikes me so funny.....


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

alexm said:


> I have a big fear of that, too, for the next (current?) generation. Everything seems to be recorded like it's no big deal. And with the internet, things will last forever.
> 
> I've had this conversation with my 16 year old already. All well and good if you want to share pictures with your girlfriend, but remember that she can do what she wants with them - even if you trust her now. And vice versa. As he is at the age he's at, we no longer monitor his computer or tablet, but when he was under the age of majority, we definitely did. And we saw WAY more then we'd like, which prompted this conversation with him.
> 
> ...


Due to some issues that have come up recently, this is actually a hot topic out my way in regards to kids using social media responsibly. Even though my oldest is still on the younger side (9yrs old) I am pushing him to understanding that the moment is posted or texted out, you need to assume that a) you will never be able to get it back and b) it will be made public.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SunnyDaze said:


> Thank you again for all the replies. It helps that you don't think I'm crazy for feeling this way!
> 
> I'm trying my best to not think about them. Time and GOOD memories will hopefully take care of that.
> 
> ...


Yes, yes, yes....we are stupid. In a females mind, in a rational persons mind. 

Problem is: You cannot fix stupid. You cannot tolerate stupid. Since so many men fit this description, what is the answer?

What IS IT, that you CAN FIX, and what are you going to do about it? One answer, trade up....and pray!

Kinda like playing the Lottery, Eh?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Damn, @SunnyDaze, that sucks. I'm sorry.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

SunnyDaze said:


> Would you mind clarifying what you mean by "without judgement"
> Also, the inner voice asking open ended questions...answer them...I don't understand that.
> Thank you!


Level 1 is awareness and observation. This means that the stimulus enters our senses and is not given a worded meaning or emotional attribution.

Level 2 is labeling something objectively. This is the minimum goal. We want to see a car and not call it ugly. We do this to limit/remove thr emotional attachment to the stimulus.

Level 3 is a label and subjective attribution. If I notice an overweight person and say, how disgusting, I am attributing my inner judge to the stimulus. I then would experience a negative feeling and the event would persist.

What helps is returning to our 5 senses. If we start judging what we see or think, we can snap back to polling our senses.

As far as open-ended questions, the mind attributes a question, such as: why would he do that?

That sets up a guarantee of rumination that only equals a never ending cycle of personal pain. I advise answering that question with short ad factual answers:

1 i don't know
2. He got caught up in the moment

When We answer the questions, we cut off the fuel for painful thoughts. So, answer the questions and then refocus the attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Of course they are no where anyone would ever find them, and no one ever will.
> ...


Of course it's funny. 

Hey sis, you gotta do me a solid and retrieve the home made porn if I kick it, ok? Thanks.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Maybe counter this by picturing her banging a fat, bald dude while fantasizing about your H. Remember, you're the upgrade 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

I think I would also have a hard time if I discovered sexual pics of my H with someone else... even if it pre-dated me. That said, I wouldn't blame him for having them.

Back when we were younger and hotter, I let H take some explicit pics of me. It was exciting to do, but I remember freaking out that whomever developed that roll got an eyeful (this was before digital cameras)! I panicked and we burned them together not long afterward. I think if my face weren't showing I would have been ok with keeping them.

Prior to H I had an LTR with an artist.... He did several artistic nude photos and sketches of me over the course of our relationship and that didn't bother me in the least as they were not explicitly sexual. He actually exhibited them as a series on at least one occasion that I know of. I have no idea what happened to them after we parted, but I am not ashamed of their existence. 

The only mementos I have of former relationships is a very long letter from my first LTR, and some photo booth pics of my LTR with the artist. I never look at them, but I never felt compelled to get rid of them either. They are in a box somewhere in the attic.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

He wasn't saving them. If he was saving them he would have known what was on the flash drive you found.

A flash drive? Come on! I could go into any junk drawer in any home and find a flash drive that no one in the home knows what's on it.

It happened before you two got together. You were NOT cheated on.

You've created this imaginary place of idealic coupledom and those pictures zapped you into the realty that your husband has gotten naked with someone else. Shake it off!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

SunnyDaze said:


> Thank you again for all the replies. It helps that you don't think I'm crazy for feeling this way!
> 
> I'm trying my best to not think about them. Time and GOOD memories will hopefully take care of that.
> 
> ...


No I think you caught him off guard. He forgets about them then all of a sudden there he is, well you saw the pics. Shock, mind in melt down, not sure he even knew what he said at first. 

Thing is if both of you had partners before you meet. What really was left for the both of you to do that had not been done with your previous partners. 

Really don't see what you are upset about. Like you said he had forgot all about them. It's not like he was pulling them out looking at them every now and then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I think we need to see the pictures before we can give solid advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Lot of contradictions in our society. "Embrace your sexuality, sleep around, explore!" Some years down the line, "Oh wife you slept with other men and did the same 'intimate' things with them we do regularly? The horror!"

Not taking shots at you, OP. Just wondering if all the "exploring" really gets "it"(whatever it is) out of people's system, allowing them to be blasé about their partner's past.

You feeling this way to totally understandable. There is some desire deep inside for exclusivity, that need to feel special. That's why it is called "intimacy"; I know you in a way no one else does. In the bible it said, "Adam _knew_ Eve..." i.e. know her in a way that is unique from the way everyone else knows her. Of course, don't tell the "progressives" this. They will have a millennial fit.

Gotta be a little harsh with you though. You need to not punish him for the past. Even though the feelings you have are understandable, acting on them to penalise him is not.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EunuchMonk said:


> Lot of contradictions in our society. "Embrace your sexuality, sleep around, explore!" Some years down the line, "Oh wife you slept with other men and did the same 'intimate' things with them we do regularly? The horror!"
> 
> Not taking shots at you, OP. Just wondering if all the "exploring" really gets "it"(whatever it is) out of people's system, allowing them to be blasé about their partner's past.
> 
> ...


I think this is starting to touch on what causes much of the difficulty in retroactive jealous type situations. Intellectually, we know all these things...our partners did have a life before us, did do things, experience things, likely better at times than they do with us. They also likely remember those things from time to time, often fondly...intellectually, people know that. But there is an out of sight, out of mind element that makes it able to be coped with easily.

The problem for many people, including otherwise stable, happy people, is when it is forced from the mysterious ether of the past, to the front of the objective present. It can be quite a jolt to come face to face with something that used to only exist in theory.

It can cause some internal conflict...on the one hand, we knew all of this to begin with, but on the other hand, it still causes these negative conflicting feelings, and their is no one that we can fairly lash out at.


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