# Calling all cheaters! No judgement zone



## Haydawolive (Mar 10, 2019)

I am NOT the cheater in my marriage. There is suspicion that my husband may have or actively is cheating. 

HOWEVER, this has yet to be confirmed. I guess I'm just wondering from those of you who have cheated on your spouse the following:

Why did you decide to step out on your spouse?

How did your behavior change towards your spouse?

What were your feelings toward the other woman/man?

Was there any love left for your spouse?

How did you get caught?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Haydawolive said:


> I am NOT the cheater in my marriage. There is suspicion that my husband may have or actively is cheating.
> 
> HOWEVER, this has yet to be confirmed. I guess I'm just wondering from those of you who have cheated on your spouse the following:
> 
> ...


I can tell you what my WS told me before she left...how she answered these questions.

Why did you decide to step out on your spouse? "He was safe and had a big member."

How did your behavior change towards your spouse? She spend more time alone in the other bedroom sleeping, texting OM. Sex life at home was good no changes.

What were your feelings toward the other woman/man? She said she had NO feeling whatsoever for the OM.

Was there any love left for your spouse? Yes she still loves me to this day and we are Divorced.

How did you get caught? The last time I caught her advertising on CraigsList for "someone to ***k."

The truth is these answers, from your WS or from us, here won't help you heal a bit. WS LIE.
You need to focus on yourself. Clean up the living space around you and start picturing your life without them. 
Find something to bring some meaning into your life even if it's small. Bring Order to the Chaos.
Only then can you make a real decision to stay or go.......
I would say GO. That's how I found meaning, then happiness.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Haydawolive said:


> I am NOT the cheater in my marriage. There is suspicion that my husband may have or actively is cheating.
> 
> HOWEVER, this has yet to be confirmed. I guess I'm just wondering from those of you who have cheated on your spouse the following:
> 
> ...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

One Eighty said:


> This is not a wayward friendly pace so I think mostly you will get answers like from Stillsearching, from BS, as to what their WS told them. If you really want to ask WS this, you could go to the OM/OW section of love shack. Or go to Chump Lady to find out about how this is called "untangling the skein" and not really worth it. In her opinion.
> 
> 
> 
> *She was texting him and fell asleep. I checked her phone and found out she was discussing with him whether or not he had gotten her pregnant. *


That had to be the biggest life shock of all, what a fricking blow to the heart! Dam.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator note:-*

Folks, please remember to keep it classy and as non-judgmental as possible.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If I were to ever cheat on my husband, there is not Enough money or fear of repercussion or anything else in the universe that would convince me to ever post on a forum as a wayward spouse.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Some of you are missing the point. This person is trying to get clues from WAYWARDS, as to how they acted, etc. so she can better ascertain whether her H is cheating.

Not an invitation for Betrayed Spouses to theorize or say what their wayward told them...which is sure to be bulloney.

I think this is actually a clever way to try to get information.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Haydawolive said:


> I am NOT the cheater in my marriage. There is suspicion that my husband may have or actively is cheating.
> 
> HOWEVER, this has yet to be confirmed. I guess I'm just wondering from those of you who have cheated on your spouse the following:
> 
> ...



I almost stepped out on my husband a few times (as a madhatter) I didn't end up doing it. Don't crucify me. 

I never consciously made the decision to cheat, but when I realized the actions I was taking was perhaps laying the ground work for an affair I did not stop it. (Slippery slope) But i did not care. I was still super angry and in my own mind entitled to make myself feel good and my original cheating spouse angry. 

Yeah my behavior changed towards my spouse. Naturally I was angry at him for what he had done, but now I was genuinely annoyed that he existed. His voice would make me want to yell at him. Even if he was jovial or in a good mood. I was so annoyed that he was around. 

The other man was not important. How he made me feel was however. I liked to feel like someone was attracted to me. But at the same time I disliked him too because he was also married. I did not love him, I also barely liked him at the time because I thought he was walking the slippery slope too. 

At the time I did not feel love for my husband. He was mentally ill and I did not know it. My story is a complicated one when it comes to the mental health factor. 

We were never caught because we never slipped. (As in, the relationship NEVER passed beyond friendship) It has grown into a steady and trustworthy friendship. He has never cheated on his wife, and never intends to, as with me. I still see him from time to time but it is never alone (to maintain propriety). We do not text secretively. I am also sure neither of us are attracted physically to one another. This sure helps. LoL. 

I maintain I never cheated. Not even emotionally, but I think (I) could have gone that direction at a time, but that window shut very rapidly.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> Some of you are missing the point. This person is trying to get clues from WAYWARDS, as to how they acted, etc. so she can better ascertain whether her H is cheating.
> 
> Not an invitation for Betrayed Spouses to theorize or say what their wayward told them...which is sure to be bulloney.
> 
> I think this is actually a clever way to try to get information.


Oh, I get the point. What I was saying is that if I was wayward, I wouldn't voluntarily post about it on ANY thread on ANY forum. Ever. Because, well.....just read!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> Some of you are missing the point. This person is trying to get clues from WAYWARDS, as to how they acted, etc. so she can better ascertain whether her H is cheating.
> 
> Not an invitation for Betrayed Spouses to theorize or say what their wayward told them...*which is sure to be bulloney.*
> 
> I think this is actually a clever way to try to get information.


I forgot....WS always lie.
Probably why my dumba** stayed so long.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

EA here.
Why. Got lonely, got tired of talking to myself. 
Behavior change. Emotional detachment. I really didn't care if she had a bad day. Her problems were the problems of a stranger.
Feelings to the other woman. If she had given me the go ahead it would have happened. As it was she didn't see me as a romantic possibility and eventually remarried her EX H.
Feelings left for spouse. Sure, that was the pain of the whole situation. I had unrequited love for two women. Kind of made me feel worthless.
Git caught. I just confessed when I couldn't take it any more. 

Never went back, Never got close again. Never really resolved the at home problems that led me towards making that mistake. In fact it is at least twice as lonely now.
People advise me to leave and that there are plenty of fish, but I've already been there. It's lonely together or lonely alone for me.

Classy enough Matt?


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Haydawolive said:


> I am NOT the cheater in my marriage. There is suspicion that my husband may have or actively is cheating.
> 
> HOWEVER, this has yet to be confirmed. I guess I'm just wondering from those of you who have cheated on your spouse the following:
> 
> ...


*She used to mention his name a lot so i asked her, she never admitted but replied with 'I am not happy and I want a Divorce"*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Haydawolive said:


> I am NOT the cheater in my marriage. There is suspicion that my husband may have or actively is cheating.
> 
> HOWEVER, this has yet to be confirmed. I guess I'm just wondering from those of you who have cheated on your spouse the following:
> 
> ...


Your better off not trying to figure them out but just cutting them out of your life like cancer. Trust me you will have a better life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Oh, I get the point. What I was saying is that if I was wayward, I wouldn't voluntarily post about it on ANY thread on ANY forum. Ever. Because, well.....just read!


I don't think anyone here would think you would, you seem to just post to criticize what everyone else posts.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

One Eighty said:


> Yes. I had my suspicions that something was up. I thought if I found out there was an affair that I would blow up, maybe become violent. Instead the shock was so great that I just fell to the floor, stunned out of my mind.


You're still together though right?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am not the cheater but I can tell you what my cheating told me as to why he did what he did. He told me he got a thrill from the chase. He knew what he was doing was wrong but it gave him excitement. He did not blame mefor anything. Infact, he told me I would always be his angel.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Having spent years listening to couples trying to resolve their problems (which included infidelity) i concluded that a lot of people really do not know why they stray. some even blame the person they stray with as if they dd not take part in it. 

However, there are some who can sit there and narrate a chronology of complaints they have had for long periods and communicated to their spouse but the spouse ignored their communication till they found solace outside. Then suddenly the spouse starts to think he/she is an important person who should be respected. 

My personal view point is that humans should be forced by law to end the current relationship before starting another. But also that it should be made easier to divorce. A maximum of a month should be the stipulated time period to process a divorce. It makes hatred last longer to allow divorces to last as long as they do. To be honest there is no logical reason why they take so long. 

The law should just be written so clearly that once stipulated forms are filled in and a record entered onto the database, A certificate of divorce should be printed and handed to the couple.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> Oh, I get the point. What I was saying is that if I was wayward, I wouldn't voluntarily post about it on ANY thread on ANY forum. Ever. Because, well.....just read!


I disagree. There have been some very vocal and honest waywards on this site. You probably haven't been around here long enough. 

These are people who have seen the errors of their ways and now want to help others. These people exist.

Also, this is anonymous and this thread is in the spirit of helping someone understand.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Gabriel said:


> I disagree. There have been some very vocal and honest waywards on this site. You probably haven't been around here long enough.
> 
> These are people who have seen the errors of their ways and now want to help others. These people exist.
> 
> Also, this is anonymous and this thread is in the spirit of helping someone understand.


Oh, I have no doubt that there are people who cheated, were truly remorseful, and posted their story.

It's how they get treated that would make me never EVER post.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Oh, I have no doubt that there are people who cheated, were truly remorseful, and posted their story.
> 
> It's how they get treated that would make me never EVER post.


I don't agree.

Look at @FoolishOne for example she came on here and though we were direct and at times harsh with her, but I think we treated her fairly because she was honest about what she did, repercussions and all. She stayed here, tried to hear what we were saying and frankly, I think this site saved her marriage at least for the time being. 

We are harsh with people who abused and continue to abuse other people because they deserve it, nothing else, and really the worst of what we say is quit being an *******. 

Finally the folks who get it (and I can think about 3 or 4 on here who have cheated and are regular posters) are loud voices on here and are respected. 

This site isn't about nice it's about reality and truth which is mine and yes your MO. This is the funniest thing to me about your posts, you never show anyone else on the board any grace when it comes to your opinion. You are just as blunt and harsh as the rest of us, now suddenly you want us to be nice to WS? It's interesting to me that in reading old posts, even before I got here there were voices on here just like mine and I suspect there will be ones after I am gone. 

My theory is that marriage is the most serious of subjects and also one of the hardest things you do in life. There is no time for being nice, all that does is lesson the effectiveness of the advice given. To have a good marriage you have to be strong, period. If you can't handle some harsh typing from anonymous people on a web board your marriage has very little success of lasting, even more so if you are in crisis mode. 

Sorry I just don't see it, I think we are fair.


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