# need advice/help



## sbbt (Jun 7, 2010)

not sure how to start this, new to forum and have been looking for something like this for over a month now.

before I start, I do not condone my actions in anyway and fully accept that I should have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I was wrong.

About a month ago, I was on a night out with work colleagues and came home about 1am. I live with my partner of 5 years and our nearly 2yo son.

Apart from small hazy memories I don't remember anything about what happened until I was woken to 5 policemen in my house, I was sleeping downstairs on the sofa, who detained me and then arrested me for domestic assault. I was kept in the cells for 4 nights, it was a bank holiday and I got arrested on the Friday.

my partner had phoned the police because I had hit her a number of times, once on the head, 5/6 times on the legs. It had been during an argument that I know nothing about. She says I 'battered' her and phoned the police because she was scared of what I would do. I'm a 5' 11" ex-rugby player with a build to go with it and she is 5' 2" and slim.

I had been out and had walked home, about an hour walk and remember everything from the walk home clearly, I was drunk, but not that drunk. Apparently I woke about 3am and decided the corner of the room was the toilet, my partner woke when this was happening and apparently started shouting at me to clean it up, which I did. I know this because I have images in my head of doing it, they are fuzzy, but I remeber it like I took a photo, nothing else, just single images here and there. Once I cleaned it up and came back from the bathroom, she was standing in the doorway and wouldn't let me in, I know this from what she has said happened. She has then said that we were arguing and I hit her on the side of the head and when she fell have then hit her on the legs. She had bruises and I have a image of her lying on boxes in the bedroom, we have recently moved and hadn't fully unpacked everything. I don't get the memory loss though, someone had suggested slepwalking, but I have never had that before. Read about it a bit and it seems to fit, stress (money and job worries), alchohol and lack of sleep (2yo son, I get up in the mornings 5/6 days a week with him, anytime from 0600). Just can't remember it at all.

As it stands, over a month later, I have registered for counselling and am waiting on an appointment and this week will be convicted for domestic assualt. Would have pleaded guilty on the day of my first appearence in court, but was advised by solicitor that I have known for years to plead not guilty and they'll try and find out if they can get the charges reduced or dropped. My partner never pressed the charges it was the police that done that so he said it was worth a shot. Because of that my partner has been dragged through more, photos needing to be taken, bail conditions etc. If I could go back then I would have just pleaded guilty but you place your trust with people that know the system better than you sometimes. After he found that the bail conditions would not be dropped, I said to plead guilty, not going to drag this to trial, plenty evidence, so only ever one outcome.

My problem is where do we go from here? Our relationship has been up and down to say the least and this is not the first time we have been violent towards eachother, not going through the ins and outs but we have both been in the wrong on too many occasions. She doesn't admit/accept that though, not to me anyway. She knows my buttons to push and too many times has provoked me into a reaction. 99% of the time we'll have an arguement and shout at eachother for a bit then one will storm off to cool down. Recently this hasn't even been happening, we'll just ignore eachother for a night instead of discussing anything.

She has agreed to go to counselling but changes her mind about the relationship on a dialy basis, one day its over, next day its not. We kinda ignored the majority of the bail conditions from day 1 although I don't go round the house, except once. It was her that asked us to keep meeting and speaking with eachother and her who asked me to come round the house. We have a child and it wasn't practical to keep going through my parents all the time. I'm living with them just now so there helping a lot, but its not so good saying things through them as they usually make things worse. Apart from that she has said some quite hurtful things, made threats regarding my son and calling the police although I've tried really hard not to rise to it, it's difficult. I have already said that I won't move back in until we have had some counselling sessions, but don't know if that'll bring the trust back and don't know if she'll want me back in the house yet. Hope the trust does come back and we can get back together, cause I do love her very much and can't stand being away from my son. As said before, I don't really know what she is thinking, but has already seen a family law solicitor to find out her options, but never been back. She has also told me that she loves me and that she wants to sort out our relationship.

Any advice or help would be great, we are still waiting on counselling appt and as said my case will be heard within the week, so not really wanting to go forward until had someone else's opinion. They don't mean to but those closest to you will always take your side.

S


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You wrote that she provokes you and knows how to push your buttons. Nobody can provoke ANYTHING or push ANYTHING in you unless you let them. Period. 
I understand anger and frustration, stress, money, etc. There is however a line that should never be crossed, ever. Hitting someone is over that line. You wouldn't hit your boss or a police officer would you? Why? Consequences and you know what they would be. So why her? 
I think anger management classes are something you BOTH should strongly consider. They will teach you how to deal with your anger when tension arises. 
You were so drunk that you thought the side of your bedroom was the bathroom and proceeded to urinate. You mention you "weren't that drunk". Yes, you were you just didn't realize it. You also mention that somebody suggested sleepwalking as the cause of not remembering. That's bull****. It's called blacking out. You remember certain images but not the actions that cause those images. Blackouts occur when your body is telling you enough with the alcohol. It is the bodies defense mechanism to ensure no more alcohol goes into the body. It's a warning shot, if you will. After that is flat out passing out where you don't remember anything. 
This is a very serious situation. You also have a child who is involved in all of this. Do you know what that little boy sees and hears? My Mother was an angry drinker too. It was terrifying to be around her. And she wouldn't remember ANY of it in the morning. THAT was even more terrifying. Please don't let that precious little innocent boy grow up around that. I am 38 now and it required years of therapy for me to come to terms with my childhood. You are sentencing that little toddler with the kind of baggage you will never understand. 
If your partner doesn't want to get help, that's HER problem. YOU getting help shouldn't be conditional on her. Fix what is wrong with you and you will be a better person, father and role model. Whether you relationship with her works out shouldn't be the issue. You have a son who is dependant on you. HE should be the reason that you fix yourself.


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## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

First of all, I do commend you for posting about what you did the other night and for seeking honsest advice. I hope you'll take some of it to heart, as this is a very, very serious matter. You, without a doubt, had a blackout and you definitely should not be drinking anymore. I have a dad who used to do this and went through hell any time he came home after being out drinking. This wasn't something that happened every night or even every weekend, but was traumatic enough to be burned into my memory very vividly and those memories have been the source of much pain, even as an adult. Please get help for this AND the anger management issues, they definitely go hand in hand and each can exacerbate the other. 

Your little one deserves to have a childhood free of the fear that this kind of situation brings about. If you don't get help, IT WILL happen again. You're the only one who can turn this around.


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