# is it possible to have the best of both worlds?



## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

I have never been on such forums but I found this site by aacident and thought I will ask my question eventhough I'm pretty sure of the response I'd get.
I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man and we have a very good relationship for the most part. We have regular sex and although we may not have similar personalities we have been able to provide our children with a happy and stable family. He tends to be a serious man and very conservative in general.

For the past 6 years I have also had a very close relationship with someone who is a very close family member with whom we are in contact very regularly. Even from the first moment I saw him I sensed a connection with him. He and I have very similar personalities. We seem to understand eachother very well. He is married as well and has a good relationship with his wife.

Over the past 6 years we have had a friendship aside from the family relationship and we satisfy a part of each others' lives that may not be fully satisfied with our spouses. 

We mostly have kept it at a friendship level but for the past 6 months we have been more open about the deeper feelings that we have for eachother. We are very close to eachother mostly emotionally but there has been some minor physical contact too although intermittently. So far this has not impacted negatively on our marriages. In fact I am happier with my marriage because I am more satisfied in general. Stangely enough I am not feeling very guilty because I am available to my husband emotionally and physically just as much or even more than before. I don't know if this makes any sense. It's almost like if I am happier personally I can be a better wife for him and not be so critical of some of the things I don't like and can't change about him. 

I sort of look at this other relationship as something separate from the rest of my activities. 

Of course I know that my husband would never see it this way.

At this stage in our relationship I am having the best of both worlds and neither of us are interested in leaving our marriages. This also makes the playing field even for both of us and there is no pressure. 

I have in the past tried to limit contact with him and all it's done is that it has made me very unhappy and has made my home life and my relationship with my husband worse.

so ther it is. Can this last?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

notsosureofanything said:


> Can this last?


Nope, at some point the relationship will step over the line to physical intimacy. It's already teetering there now. You are in a full blow emotional affair and like most you don't fully recognize the danger in it because it hasn't "crossed". But it is impacting your marriage far more than you can imagine or are willing to admit. In most likely-hood the affair has served to jade your impression of your husband in comparison to your fantasy mate. You will continue to disconnect from your husband until it kills the marriage all together. Your assumption that your relationship with your husband is better is nothing more than a rationalization in order to justify your behavior. My wife followed a similar path to fill the void she felt with me. I damn near destroyed us when I found out, as your husband will eventually.. You are fooling yourself.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

There is a word for what you are doing; it is called cake-eating. How would you feel if your husband did this with another woman? You are taking away energy that you should be giving to your marriage, and building a fantasy world with this man that does not include bills, job stresses, parenting problems, home maintenance, etc.

Stop this immediately. Focus on your husband. Do not destroy your marriage over a fantasy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This, my dear, is what you call cheating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What the others have said. You're in an emotional affair, and it's spilling over into a physical one. Read "Not Just Friends", and the threads in here about the effects of affairs.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man and we have a very good relationship for the most part. We have regular sex and although we may not have similar personalities we have been able to provide our children with a happy and stable family. He tends to be a serious man and very conservative in general.
> 
> He is married as well and has a good relationship with his wife.


Sorry notsosure but you are cake eating.

You are risking destroying your marriage, your husband, your children, the OM marriage, the OMs wife and their children if they have any. 
All because it makes you feel good. Oh thats ok then

Take a look on the coping with infidelity section of this website and look at the train wrecks of marriages caused by behaviour like yours.

You feel good with the OM because you are getting a dopamine fix. When it all comes crashing down around you will no longer get your fix and the misery will start.

If the affair comes out the OM will probably throw you under the bus leaving you with nothing. Of course you have your faithful hard working spouse as a back up plan don't you.

If you were to put as much energy into your marriage as you put into this affair then you could fix the minor problems in the marriage.

Have you tried talking to your husband to fix the little things in your relationship that are missing for you? Give the guy a chance to fix things he at least deserves that after 15 years.

One word of warning, I have a personal theory that people like your husband (you mention he is serious and conservative) are perhaps hit even harder by affairs.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

If you’re not in full blown denial you will see yourself in the article at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...an-stating-women-better-being-unfaithful.html.


You say your husband’s a good man, yet you are betraying him big time. Ask yourself what type of woman that makes you. You have a secret relationship with another man yet much worse than that, he’s also close to your husband. So your husband is being betrayed by the two of you.


Believe me when he discovers what’s going on he will be shattered and you’ do that to a man you call good.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Please end this affair before 2 families are destroyed.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I still don't understand the insistence on something like this being an emotional affair. If this person that she was friends with was another woman and she was doing all of these things with another woman, you wouldn't blink an eye at it. It is only because it is a man that is her friend that makes you call it an EA. There have been discussions on people having friends that are the opposite sex. To me, anything you do with a friend of the same sex, you should be able to do with a friend of the opposite sex. A friend is a friend. Some people just don't have same sex friends that they are that close to.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Gbrad... if a woman admitted deeper feelings to a female friend and there was some light physical touch as the op suggested... wwhich probably means kissing.... yes that's ea/pa to me. Gender doesn't matter when it comes to things like this. I would consider this an innappropriate friendship and cmon... who kisses a friend if its not bordering on affair territory?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Please end this affair before 2 families are destroyed.


notsureofanything, read this post, then read it again. That's right she said two families! Wake up before it happens!


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> In fact I am happier with my marriage because I am more satisfied in general. Stangely enough I am not feeling very guilty because I am available to my husband emotionally and physically just as much or even more than before. I don't know if this makes any sense. It's almost like if I am happier personally I can be a better wife for him and not be so critical of some of the things I don't like and can't change about him.
> 
> I have in the past tried to limit contact with him and all it's done is that it has made me very unhappy and has made my home life and my relationship with my husband worse.


The reason you feel like you are a better wife because of your EA is simple - GUILT. The guilty feeling inside of you makes you treat your DH better and let go of the small things

On the other hand when you break off contact with your OM, it makes your relationship with your DH worse because you irrationally blame him for the "loss of the OM" (and you can unload on your DH because you are taking him for granted.

I agree with the others, stop it before you break up 2 families.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Gbrad... if a woman admitted deeper feelings to a female friend and there was some light physical touch as the op suggested... wwhich probably means kissing.... yes that's ea/pa to me. Gender doesn't matter when it comes to things like this. I would consider this an innappropriate friendship and cmon... who kisses a friend if its not bordering on affair territory?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't read the light physical touch as kissing. To me light physical touch is like a hand on a shoulder, arm, maybe a hug. Friends do that. Kissing different.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

another lost soul

if their is a soul your's is gone. forever doomed humans are to destroy themselves

why do you do this?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Sorry notsosure but you are cake eating.
> 
> You are risking destroying your marriage, your husband, your children, the OM marriage, the OMs wife and their children if they have any.
> All because it makes you feel good. Oh thats ok then
> ...


what?

she needs to TELL HIM

SHE NEEDS TO TELL HIM WHAT IS GOING ON


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Goldmember357 said:


> another lost soul
> 
> if their is a soul your's is gone. forever doomed humans are to destroy themselves
> 
> why do you do this?


Wow, saying they have no soul. Isn't that going a big far. No soul because they have a friend of the opposite sex that they are close to.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I didn't read the light physical touch as kissing. To me light physical touch is like a hand on a shoulder, arm, maybe a hug. Friends do that. Kissing different.


Hmm didn't consider that...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Hmm didn't consider that...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If it is kissing, you are right that crossed the line and is physically cheating. But, the other, I would have no problem with regardless of it being same or opposite sex. Some people are touchy like that and some are not, just depends on what you are comfortable with.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Hmm didn't consider that...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except that they have both expressed deeper feelings for each other AND have both expressed that they don't want to leave their marriages. It is cake eating. Light touching...sure, it could simply be a hug, or pat on the shoulder. But it could also be a caress. It could be the hug turned to light rubbing. 

The thing is, in expressing these other feelings for someone other than her husband, she is admitting to an emotional affair. And, gbrad, whether you like the term or not, that is what this is. 



notsosureofanything said:


> I have never been on such forums but I found this site by aacident and thought I will ask my question eventhough I'm pretty sure of the response I'd get.
> I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man and we have a very good relationship for the most part. We have regular sex and although we may not have similar personalities we have been able to provide our children with a happy and stable family. He tends to be a serious man and very conservative in general.
> 
> For the past 6 years I have also had a very close relationship with someone who is a very close family member with whom we are in contact very regularly. Even from the first moment I saw him I sensed a connection with him. He and I have very similar personalities. We seem to understand eachother very well. He is married as well and has a good relationship with his wife.
> ...



My question for the OP: would you want your husband to know all of the things you and your OM speak about? I mean everything. The feelings you have expressed for each other, etc? Or is this something you will keep hidden so you can cake eat? Hmmm? Oh wait...you said your husband wouldn't see it the way you do.... guess that answers my question. That and the "even playing field"... you are on the edge of moving past EA into PA. You are already unfaithful. You know how your husband would feel about your cheating. Either lose the OM or leave your husband. Don't keep cheating on your husband.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> Over the past 6 years we have had a friendship aside from the family relationship and we satisfy a part of each others' lives that may not be fully satisfied with our spouses.
> 
> *We mostly have kept it at a friendship level but for the past 6** months we have been more open about the deeper feelings **that we have for eachother*. *We are very close to eachother mostly emotionally but there has been some minor physical contact too although intermittently.[/QUOTE*]
> 
> This is why is not just friends. I have same sex friends, I have a few opposite sex friends that I see maybe a couple times a year. I do not get anything out of these "friends" that I am trying to compensate for in my marriage. Even when my H and I were on the verge of splitting up because it was so bad, my friends didn't "plug in" the missing pieces nor did I look for them too. Had either of us turned to ANYONE other than eachother to fulfill what we were missing, I'm sure we would've split up and possibly ended up getting divorced.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's easy for it to seem perfect with someone you don't live with and have to solve problems with. You only see each other's good sides and not the dirty truth. The dirty truth is he's the kind of guy who would cheat on you. Proof based on the fact that he wants to cheat with you.

There is a ton of damage to both marriages already. Your emotional bond to your husband can not be strong while you are bonding with someone else.

And lastly, you are in serious fog and denial about how wrong this is. Your biology is playing tricks with your mind.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

How do you determine the line between someone being a close friend and it being more than a friendship? 
Where is the line of what a spouse can do and say with an opposite sex friend versus with a same sex friend? 
I think the line should be in the same place.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You've already indicated that this is going physical in tiny steps, so this is not innocent. You know it's wrong, which is why you feel like this is the best of both worlds as you feel like you're getting away with something. You're cheating and no matter what you call it or how you try to justify it, you know that this isn't right. If you want to continue to be a cheat, then by all means, continue. It won't last forever. The longer it lasts, the more of your hudband's well-being is being paid for it and you won't see it until it all falls apart. You can't have both of these men without hurting the one you committed to you, so either commit to the marriage or quit it. What you're doing is betraying the person to whom you've committed. It makes you kinda sleazy to continue, if you go ahead knowing that you're being dishonest; don't be sleazy. If you want OM, divorce your husband. If you don't, quit talking to him.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

This story makes my stomach turn. 

A "good" man doesn't deserve this sort of treatment.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

The moment you realize an emotional connection to someone who is not your husband is when you've gone too far.

At that moment wise people step back and realize their mistake and evaluate how to prevent it from happening again. Generally being less naive.

Selfish people and people with no character make excuses for why it's not wrong. Try to tell them selves it's special.

And if reconciliation ever occurs, your husband will be hurt for the REST OF HIS LIFE and you will be there to see and feel guilty about it. Or you guys will split and you can keep telling yourself it was special. Either way that little voice in your head will always tell you that you are a bad person for what you've done to someone you love.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> *How do you determine the line between someone being a close friend and it being more than a friendship? *
> Where is the line of what a spouse can do and say with an opposite sex friend versus with a same sex friend?
> I think the line should be in the same place.


It is really quite simple....



notsosureofanything said:


> I sort of look at this other relationship as something separate from the rest of my activities.
> *
> Of course I know that my husband would never see it this way.*


This bolded part says WHY it is more than "just friends"... If it is something that you wouldn't do with your spouse around, or that you know would hurt your spouse or he/she would disapprove/view as unfaithfulness, then it is crossing the line. Plain and simple. Hey, if, in YOUR marriage, it is ok to behave in that manner...that's up to you. But it doesn't work in MY marriage. My husband and I agree on that.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> The moment you realize an emotional connection to someone who is not your husband is when you've gone too far.
> 
> At that moment wise people step back and realize their mistake and evaluate how to prevent it from happening again. Generally being less naive.
> 
> ...


You are saying you shouldn't have emotional connections to anyone but your spouse. To me that is sad. When I am close friends with someone I have an emotional connection to them. With friends, I am either all in or not at all. I have a small circle of friends that I would do just about anything for. I consider people who are close friends to almost like family (whether same sex or not) that is how emotionally attached/close I am to them.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> It is really quite simple....
> 
> 
> 
> This bolded part says WHY it is more than "just friends"... If it is something that you wouldn't do with your spouse around, or that you know would hurt your spouse or he/she would disapprove/view as unfaithfulness, then it is crossing the line. Plain and simple. Hey, if, in YOUR marriage, it is ok to behave in that manner...that's up to you. But it doesn't work in MY marriage. My husband and I agree on that.


See, I believe that people should be able to talk about their relationships with people other than their spouse. People need sounding boards (friends) who can give them feedback and just talk about marriage (kinda what we do here). You wouldn't necessarily have that same conversation with the friend though if the spouse was there. 
I know that some people say that they should be able to tell their spouse anything and everything they say to other people, but do spouses really want to hear everything; for example the wife hearing everything that guys talk about with each other. I don't think they need to know word for word.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> See, I believe that people should be able to talk about their relationships with people other than their spouse. People need sounding boards (friends) who can give them feedback and just talk about marriage (kinda what we do here). You wouldn't necessarily have that same conversation with the friend though if the spouse was there.
> I know that some people say that they should be able to tell their spouse anything and everything they say to other people, but do spouses really want to hear everything; for example the wife hearing everything that guys talk about with each other. I don't think they need to know word for word.


The things I discuss with my friends, my husband knows the content. If we are having an issue, I ask for ADVICE. I ask my FEMALE friends "hey, have you and your husband had this issue? If so, how did you sort it out?" These kinds of things, my husband is fine with. But to go talking to a make friend about the same things? No. BOTH my husband and I agree that opposite sex friends, we do not confide in. 

Oh, and a wife hearing everything men talk about? You think we can't handle that? :rofl: I have spent most of my life listening to men talk. I have no problem talking about sexual subjects in mixed company. The thing is, I don't sit and chat to a male friend in that manner, just the two of us. I know FROM EXPERIENCE how easily it can change. And it really is not worth risking my marriage over a friendship. 

I have an emotional connection to my friends. My husband is aware of them. He has a connection with his friends as well. But if such a friendship starts encroaching on the marriage, affecting it, even if it is not immediately obvious, that is unacceptable.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

gbrad said:


> See, I believe that people should be able to talk about their relationships with people other than their spouse. People need sounding boards (friends) who can give them feedback and just talk about marriage (kinda what we do here). You wouldn't necessarily have that same conversation with the friend though if the spouse was there.
> I know that some people say that they should be able to tell their spouse anything and everything they say to other people, but do spouses really want to hear everything; for example the wife hearing everything that guys talk about with each other. I don't think they need to know word for word.


If that's working for you, then carry on. Some feel it's counter productive to keep things from spouses.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

gbrad said:


> How do you determine the line between someone being a close friend and it being more than a friendship?
> Where is the line of what a spouse can do and say with an opposite sex friend versus with a same sex friend?
> I think the line should be in the same place.


I don't think they should be the same at all. I have 2 good friends one same sex, one opposite sex. 

With the same sex friend I would be ok with:

telling her that my sex drive is going through the roof and I don't know what's wrong with me lately.
if she tells me something is wrong with her H and gives me examples of things he's doing/symptoms, etc. I may ask if he is having trouble getting/staying hard during sex... then tell her to check his blood pressure, blood sugar, med side effects, etc. Because it's happened to my H but went away after treatment. (I've shared this only after my H said he didn't have a problem with me sharing)
if I'm shopping with her, I may pick up a new pair of sexy underwear and state that my H will like them.

With my opposite sex friend I would NEVER:

tell him that my sex drive is going through the roof and I don't know what's wrong with me lately. *I wouldn't want him to think that I was implying anything towards HIM. Completely inappropriate IMO.*

if my H was having any issue in the bedroom for medical or any other reason, I wouldn't say anything to a male friend. To me a male would look at another male as "less" when that's not the case at all. 

if I'm shopping with him (I helped him pick out something for his 16 year old daughter), I wouldn't be picking up ANYTHING sexy whether my H would like it or not. He is a man and I am a woman, there is no reason for him seeing what I wear for "delicates".
Just a few examples...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> How do you determine the line between someone being a close friend and it being more than a friendship?
> Where is the line of what a spouse can do and say with an opposite sex friend versus with a same sex friend?
> I think the line should be in the same place.


If your spouse would not like it then it's crossing the line.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> The things I discuss with my friends, my husband knows the content. If we are having an issue, I ask for ADVICE. I ask my FEMALE friends "hey, have you and your husband had this issue? If so, how did you sort it out?" These kinds of things, my husband is fine with. But to go talking to a make friend about the same things? No. BOTH my husband and I agree that opposite sex friends, we do not confide in.
> 
> Oh, and a wife hearing everything men talk about? You think we can't handle that? :rofl: I have spent most of my life listening to men talk. I have no problem talking about sexual subjects in mixed company. The thing is, I don't sit and chat to a male friend in that manner, just the two of us. I know FROM EXPERIENCE how easily it can change. And it really is not worth risking my marriage over a friendship.
> 
> I have an emotional connection to my friends. My husband is aware of them. He has a connection with his friends as well. But if such a friendship starts encroaching on the marriage, affecting it, even if it is not immediately obvious, that is unacceptable.


I didn't say you couldn't handle what guys talk about, just that, do you really care to know. Is it that important to hear about every little thing? I personally don't want/need to hear about every little thing my wife talks about with her friends. If I wanted to hear about all of it, I would have just gone with. 
Also, I get that some people are not okay with opposite sex friends, I don't understand why, but I know some are not. I have always had friends of both sexes, sometimes more opposite sex friends than same sex. I don't think the rules should be any different, a friend is a friend.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> You are saying you shouldn't have emotional connections to anyone but your spouse. To me that is sad. When I am close friends with someone I have an emotional connection to them. With friends, I am either all in or not at all. I have a small circle of friends that I would do just about anything for. I consider people who are close friends to almost like family (whether same sex or not) that is how emotionally attached/close I am to them.


I personally do not want my wife to have an emotionally intimate connection with an OSF unless it's her dad or brother or something. Fortunately she agrees with me.

It's none of my business if you or your wife have emotionally intimate connections with OFS.

And our words can be misread on here pretty easy as you probably know as well. I'm not a hard core control freak. I just think it's not appropriate personally. 

Even if I didn't think anything was wrong with it, I would not risk my marriage knowing that it made my wife suspicious or worried.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> If that's working for you, then carry on. Some feel it's counter productive to keep things from spouses.


To me it just depends on the topic. I don't need to know every tiny detail of my wifes day. If there are certain conversations she had that she wants to tell me about, then great I will listen, but I don't need to know them all. I don't know why anyone would need to know everything that someone says and does. 
It is not a matter of hiding anything, just not saying everything. While spouses share a life together, they don't live the exact same life connected at the hip day in and day out.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

lovingsummer said:


> I don't think they should be the same at all. I have 2 good friends one same sex, one opposite sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And I would be okay with all of those things. I don't think any of that is off limits. I am personally more comfortable talking about those things with a woman friend than I am with a man friend. I do talk about some of those things with one of my mail friends, it just depends on, but I do as well with female friends. I have a male friend that just about every time I have sex, he hears about it afterwards. Now I don't do that with the female friends, but I still talk about sex life with them and get advice. And I have heard a GREAT deal about their sex lives.


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's responses. I'd like to add a few things here:
I think you are right about this being an emotional affair and it has been going on for close to 6 years. I have been fine with our relationship up until 6 months ago because although the feelings of attraction have always been there we never crossed the line and honestly it did not affect my relationship with my husband. 

However, the dynamics have admittedly changed. I know we both sound like awful and selfish people to everyone but we did not reach this point lightly. I have been fighting with myself for all these years not to feel what I feel for him. Because of our very close family relationship it's been very difficult to maintain the distance with him. Also our conversations were never inappropriate before.

I should say that ever since we have been open about our feelings he has told me that the extent of our relationship would be dependent on me. That is, if I don't want it to be sexual he will abide by that. I know people think it is a ploy for him to "get into my pants" but If this was about sex only, shouldn't he have moved on to someone else a long time ago? Why should he waste 6 years of his life on such a slow-moving relationship. I'm sure there are many more convenient options.

To me having an emotional connection with someone is worse than a physical one. That Is what this is so hard. We are not dishonorable or sleazy people. We just have found something in each other that all the commitment and hard work in the world would not create with another person. This does not mean I love my husband any less. 

Btw my husband knows of my affection for this man but not the extent of it. I am going to have my OM to also read these posts.

Thx again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses. I'd like to add a few things here:
> I think you are right about this being an emotional affair and it has been going on for close to 6 years. I have been fine with our relationship up until 6 months ago because although the feelings of attraction have always been there we never crossed the line and honestly it did not affect my relationship with my husband.
> 
> However, the dynamics have admittedly changed. I know we both sound like awful and selfish people to everyone but we did not reach this point lightly. I have been fighting with myself for all these years not to feel what I feel for him. Because of our very close family relationship it's been very difficult to maintain the distance with him. Also our conversations were never inappropriate before.
> ...


Have the fellow you gave your vows to read them too.

Then maybe he can understand what the last six years were about.

Oh and before for I forget, Mrs OM might like to know too.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> At this stage in our relationship I am having the best of both worlds and neither of us are interested in leaving our marriages. This also makes the playing field even for both of us and there is no pressure.
> 
> I have in the past tried to limit contact with him and all it's done is that it has made me very unhappy and has made my home life and my relationship with my husband worse.
> 
> so ther it is. Can this last?


So what your asking is for our blessing that you are having an affair. You're interested in staying with your spouse, but you have no intention of stopping cheating.

Well it might last until your husband or his wife figure it out.

Or it might last until your husband gets tired of being second fiddle and goes out and has an affair of his own.

Either way - it's not going to last forever because eventually your husband will get tired of being second place and will take action.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Have the fellow you gave your vows to read them too.


:iagree::iagree:

I think he deserves to know the extent of your feelings for the OM.

Oh, and OM saying that the extent of the "relationship" depends on you? It is a typical ploy. They will wait as long as it takes to get what they want. And yes, this applies to OW as well as OM.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - read it now!!!

You think this isn't hurting your marriage, but it already is. You're putting your emotional energy into the relationship with the OM and not your husband. Eventually you're going to find that your husband is far less attractive to you, and that the OM is the one you really need to be with.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses. I'd like to add a few things here:
> I think you are right about this being an emotional affair and it has been going on for close to 6 years. I have been fine with our relationship up until 6 months ago because although the feelings of attraction have always been there we never crossed the line and honestly it did not affect my relationship with my husband.
> 
> However, the dynamics have admittedly changed. I know we both sound like awful and selfish people to everyone but we did not reach this point lightly. I have been fighting with myself for all these years not to feel what I feel for him. Because of our very close family relationship it's been very difficult to maintain the distance with him. Also our conversations were never inappropriate before.
> ...


Good idea to show it to the OM.

But as it is all fine and dandy and such a fluffy lala marvellous connection with the OM why not show this to your husband so he can join in the happiness and tell you how great he feels for you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> To me having an emotional connection with someone is worse than a physical one. That Is what this is so hard. *We are not dishonorable* or sleazy people. *We just have found something in each other that all the commitment and hard work in the world would not create with another person. This does not mean I love my husband any less. *


So, you admit that it is *BAD*, even *WORSE* to have an emotional connection with someone other than your spouse, yet...you are looking for...validation? I would argue that you ARE dishonorable. You are dishonorable toward your spouses. In focusing on THIS relationship, you are taking AWAY from your marriage. You are giving this OM affection that SHOULD be reserved for your husband. In a committed relationship, those feelings are for your partner, not a "friend". Again... how is this not dishonorable? How is cheating on your spouse honorable?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I hate it when people in EAs coming seeking validation for their affair. Always triggers the sh!t out of me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Shaggy, reread BitterSweetGS post. I believe she pointed out the fog in polite words. Then directed the OP to read the stories on the site in order to see through the fog, and realize how much damage she was bring upon her H and the OMW.


Ok, reread the comment and deleted mine.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> We just have found something in each other that all the commitment and hard work in the world would not create with another person. _Posted via Mobile Device_


So divorce your spouses and get together.At least that way the OMW and your H can eventually find the commitment with others that they originally signed on for with you two.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Shaggy said:


> Have you read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - read it now!!!
> 
> You think this isn't hurting your marriage, but it already is. You're putting your emotional energy into the relationship with the OM and not your husband. Eventually you're going to find that your husband is far less attractive to you, and that the OM is the one you really need to be with.


It may not be the case, but I have to ask it. 
What if she is meant to be with that other person? This may not always be the case, but don't people wonder this when in these types of situations?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> It may not be the case, but I have to ask it.
> What if she is meant to be with that other person? This may not always be the case, but don't people wonder this when in these types of situations?


I'd say if it's meant to be then they can surely break it off. Handle their marital status. And then pick back up as respectable single adults. As it stands, there is nothing respectable going on. Just deception.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TBT said:


> So divorce your spouses and get together.At least that way the OMW and your H can eventually find the commitment with others that they originally signed on for with you two.


If the two of you are so sure of your feelings then this is the only honest thing to do.

Im sure your families will agree


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> It may not be the case, but I have to ask it.
> What if she is meant to be with that other person? This may not always be the case, but don't people wonder this when in these types of situations?


If "meant to be" then leave the spouses FIRST. Both have expressed the desire to stay married to their respective spouses and have their fun on the side. That is an affair. The HONORABLE thing is to leave the spouse, NOT to cheat.

And yes, cheaters wonder if they are meant to be with their affair partner. Again, if they were honorable, they would either drop the AP and work on the marriage or leave the spouse.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses. I'd like to add a few things here:
> I think you are right about this being an emotional affair and it has been going on for close to 6 years. I have been fine with our relationship up until 6 months ago because although the feelings of attraction have always been there we never crossed the line and honestly it did not affect my relationship with my husband.
> 
> However, the dynamics have admittedly changed. I know we both sound like awful and selfish people to everyone but we did not reach this point lightly. I have been fighting with myself for all these years not to feel what I feel for him. Because of our very close family relationship it's been very difficult to maintain the distance with him. Also our conversations were never inappropriate before.
> ...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are in so deep you don't even see how utterly wrong you are acting.

The level of betrayal you are doing to your husband and children is frankly staggering. Think Epic Proportions.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses. I'd like to add a few things here:
> I think you are right about this being an emotional affair and it has been going on for close to 6 years. I have been fine with our relationship up until 6 months ago because although the feelings of attraction have always been there we never crossed the line and honestly it did not affect my relationship with my husband.


The growth of the friendship to the point of an EA has been very slow so you may not recognize the changes in your relationship with your husband because of it. You have been investing in emotional attachment in the OM with energy that could have gone to your husband. He may notice the difference but not have mentioned it to you.



notsosureofanything said:


> However, the dynamics have admittedly changed. I know we both sound like awful and selfish people to everyone but we did not reach this point lightly. I have been fighting with myself for all these years not to feel what I feel for him. Because of our very close family relationship it's been very difficult to maintain the distance with him. Also our conversations were never inappropriate before.


I know what you are going through to a certain extent. I developed feelings for one of my wife’s friends. I know the conflict that there is inside of you. You need help and that’s why you are posting on TAM. For me I finally realized that the best help I could get was from my wife so I disclosed to her the full extent of my feelings and we have managed to work through it.



notsosureofanything said:


> I should say that ever since we have been open about our feelings he has told me that the extent of our relationship would be dependent on me. That is, if I don't want it to be sexual he will abide by that. I know people think it is a ploy for him to "get into my pants" but If this was about sex only, shouldn't he have moved on to someone else a long time ago? Why should he waste 6 years of his life on such a slow-moving relationship. I'm sure there are many more convenient options.


His statement is a bad sign. He is passively escalation the relationship. It is clear he wants more. So now you are in a dangerous situation that anything could set off. A fight with your husband, too much alcohol at a party or an intimate setting could send you down the black hole into a PA. By your admission you don’t want this. So you need to act now before it is too late and disclose to your husband and become more transparent with him.



notsosureofanything said:


> To me having an emotional connection with someone is worse than a physical one. That Is what this is so hard. We are not dishonorable or sleazy people. We just have found something in each other that all the commitment and hard work in the world would not create with another person. This does not mean I love my husband any less.


I know that these feelings can happen and that you can still be in love with your spouse. I am not judging you here because it happened to me as well and I am not a bad person either. But now you are conscious of the situation and you need to act. Your husband can help you out of this mess and you should disclose to him before he finds out from some other way because it goes farther than it has already.



notsosureofanything said:


> Btw my husband knows of my affection for this man but not the extent of it. I am going to have my OM to also read these posts.


My wife knew before I disclosed to her. She was afraid that I was in an EA and it would squeeze her out. I didn’t know this at the time but she had a boyfriend that had an EA while they were exclusive which caused them to break up. She saw that I was showing the same signs and was afraid. She knew before I knew. Your husband might know also and might be in his own agony already.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

You may want to take a look at the  polyamory.com forum for a host of resources that may help your situation.

From that perspective there is no upper limit of the number of people you can connect with, there is however a time and energy limit. 

I would also suggest you embark on a path to be honest with your husband and realize that what you are going through is more normal than you think.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

meson said:


> The growth of the friendship to the point of an EA has been very slow so you may not recognize the changes in your relationship with your husband because of it. You have been investing in emotional attachment in the OM with energy that could have gone to your husband. He may notice the difference but not have mentioned it to you.
> 
> I know what you are going through to a certain extent. I developed feelings for one of my wife’s friends. I know the conflict that there is inside of you. You need help and that’s why you are posting on TAM. For me I finally realized that the best help I could get was from my wife so I disclosed to her the full extent of my feelings and we have managed to work through it.
> 
> ...


This is your script to follow notsure. 

I agree this can sneak up on you and it's good that you are here. I can tell you are here to justify it to yourself really THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION so we can't help with that. 

You may be a good person but the fact is you are behaving very selfishly and with low character at this moment.

I Agree with meson that you are one fight away from PA. You'll be tempted to start one eventually. Anything to justify to yourself what an arse your hubby is. That's a huge deal for men to deal with. Harder than EA.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all, is anyone else's TAM taking forever to load? This website is moving so slowly for me!

Ok... I am REALLY surprised nobody else picked up on this or has said something about it:

*For the past 6 years I have also had a very close relationship with someone who is a very close family member with whom we are in contact very regularly. *

WHO is the OM? Are you related to him? He's your relative? Who is he in relation to your life???



lovesherman said:


> How would you feel if your husband did this with another woman?


BOOM! And OP, I really want you to answer this. So many that come on here never do. So how about it? How would YOU feel if your husband were having an emotional affair with someone you knew for SIX years? 

Be honest.



WorkingOnMe said:


> This, my dear, is what you call cheating.


For six years.

*I am going to have my OM to also read these posts.*

Say what? That right there is a massive betrayal in and of itself. Why not show your husband these posts, not your affair partner? 

The fact you'd even want to share this with OM (and good for you for calling him what he -- the Other Man, the affair partner) shows how deep your head is in the sand. Amazing. You can't see the forest through the trees right now. Classic affair story script. There is nothing special or different about this story. And the trying to justify it is ridiculous. "If this were only about sex..." Heh.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I have never been on such forums but I found this site by aacident and thought *I will ask my question eventhough I'm pretty sure of the response I'd get.*
> 
> Of course I know that my husband would never see it this way.


You already KNOW. You answered your own question.

It's wrong. 

Sh!t or get off the pot. (Sorry to sound crass).

Once again, how would YOU feel if your husband were doing this to you?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> First of all, is anyone else's TAM taking forever to load? This website is moving so slowly for me!


If you are using MS Explorer change to Google Chrome. That sped up my response quite a bit. 

Sorry for the side-bar!


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

"WHO is the OM? Are you related to him? He's your relative? Who is he in relation to your life???"

this is one of the biggest problems. Yes, he is related by marriage and we are very close as a family. That is why it would be very difficult to cut contact and that is why I can't just tell my husband. It will destroy all kinds of relationships, and I think it would be unfair to do that just so that I can ease my guilt.

I am not in denial and I know that what I'm doing is wrong. For the person who had the EA with their wife's friend...How do you feel now? do you still have feelings for the friend or are u now able to carry on as normal.

Also, I want to know what does telling your spouse help? I think it might unburden me but then he has to carry the pain. If I could stop this and move on, would that not be enough? I will have to live with the guilt but I think that is better than hurting him.

Also, to answer the question about if my husband was to do this...Of course I'd be hurt but having been through it myself I think I would understand. 

We have children together and we have a good relationship right now...I have done wrong to let it get this far but I know no good will come of it by telling him. I will just have to stop on my own and deal with what I know would be a very hard time and heart break by my self.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> Yes, he is related by marriage and we are very close as a family. That is why it would be very difficult to cut contact and that is why I can't just tell my husband. It will destroy all kinds of relationships, and I think it would be unfair to do that just so that I can ease my guilt.


That does mess up NC a little bit.



notsosureofanything said:


> Also, I want to know what does telling your spouse help? I think it might unburden me but then he has to carry the pain. If I could stop this and move on, would that not be enough? I will have to live with the guilt but I think that is better than hurting him.


This is the IMPORTANT stuff to understand. First of all he's your partner and has the right to know and to make his own choices about it. Also you can't stop by yourself. You've already justified it as harmless. That's a sign when you compromise your principles. But the big thing getting this out in the open does is it creates accountability. He will need transparency and will watch everything you do so your opportunity goes away. He will be armed with knowledge so to speak.

Sometimes we have to set our selves up for success in order to succeed. If your husband knows then you've set the scene for recovery. If he does not then you've set your self up for temptation and failure. Your odds greatly reduce of things ending well.


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

Thank you very much. This is all very helpful and has given me a lot to think about.


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

I should say, If my husband had done what I have and decided to end it and continued to be a great partner for me, I would not want to know about the affair.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Notsosure, as some posters have suggested read Dr Shirley Glass's book and gain a bit more insight from a professional. Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

I know you are here for answers to you dilemma. As I see it you have two steps to get out of it, if you wish to keep both families intact. 

1) You and your AP must discontinue the relationship as it is now and never speak to each other in those terms again. I understand he is family, keep his presence in your company to formal events, with your husband only. Never meet or speak to him again without your husband present. 

2) Expose yourself to your loving husband. Do this before one of you are found out and the consequences will be greater.

If you are conflicted, as least do the first to let the fog pass then rethink the second. Remember you are here because you are conflicted with guilt, only the truth will lift that guilt. If you do not deal with the guilt is will consume you and you marriage. 

Goo luck.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> *For the past 6 years I have also had a very close relationship with someone who is a very close family member with whom we are in contact very regularly.*


WTF??? Yuck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

notsosureofanything;1049802this is one of the biggest problems. Yes said:


> You are not doing it to ease your guilt.
> 
> You would be making a decisoin you immediate family is more important than the extended family.
> 
> ...


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> I know people think it is a ploy for him to "get into my pants" but If this was about sx only, shouldn't he have moved on to someone else a long time ago? Why should he waste 6 years of his life on such a slow-moving relationship. I'm sure there are many more convenient options.


Make no mistake, he wants to get your legs in the air. The two of you just haven't had the right situation come up yet. You are correct that it's not s*x ONLY for him...he's also getting a little thrill + an ego boost from your flirty chats.

As far as him having more convenient options, how do you know he isn't already chatting + banging some other man's wife? He does it with you (the EA part), so that shows you how much he respects his wife and marriage.

This fantasy is going to blow up two families. Are you ready for that?


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

Thank you for all the polite and CONSTRUCTIVE responses. 
For your information Candiegirl, he is not related to me!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> Thank you for all the polite and CONSTRUCTIVE responses.


Heh. No thanks for the hard hitting responses?


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

It has been hard to hear all the criticism but I expected as much...people who have expressed some degree of understanding have been much more effective than the ones who have been judgmental.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> "I am not in denial and I know that what I'm doing is wrong. For the person who had the EA with their wife's friend...How do you feel now? do you still have feelings for the friend or are u now able to carry on as normal.
> 
> Also, I want to know what does telling your spouse help? I think it might unburden me but then he has to carry the pain. If I could stop this and move on, would that not be enough? I will have to live with the guilt but I think that is better than hurting him.


For me the feelings are still there but the fog is gone. I no longer crave contact and no longer escalate it. She is now no different than any of my other friends in external interaction. From her point of view I have withdrawn a bit and I think she wonders about that but we still interact socially. She and my wife are still friends so things are similar to what it was before. This weekend she will be with a group of us going camping. 

However my situation is VERY different in an important aspect. My OW never knew she was an OW explicitly. I think she might have had an idea but we never discussed. My wife knows this otherwise she might not trust the OW. My wife trusts me enough now to deal with it. My disclosure and pre-emptive transparency have a large part to do with this trust post D-day which was over a year ago.

Knowing that my wife knows did/does a couple of things for me. First it helps keep me on track and adhere to the boundaries so that I don’t lose her trust. (We have transparency and she knows my passwords etc.) I let her down once and I won't do it again. Second despite the hurt, it improved our communication and we have reaped the benefits from that. She realizes that ultimately I came to her for help with our marriage to keep it going.

If I were in your shoes and the OW was (for example) my Sister in Law whom also had feelings for me, I would still disclose to my wife. We would need to explicitly work out what is appropriate contact. Most likely for a long time it would be only with the family present and with my wife there. I would stop all emotionally oriented (for support or otherwise) chats in any form. I would let my wife determine if the OWs husband should be informed and stay out of it otherwise. If the decision was to disclose then I would want to go to the husband (with my wife present) and disclose. I would argue that this is needed in order to keep the other person in check. Your biggest problem is that your relative is still escalating and unless he stops also, you are going to be continually tempted.

I want to explicitly state that disclosure is not about unburdening your agony and transferring it to your husband. You are in trouble and need help to withdraw from a situation that will ruin your marriage and that of your relative. Go to your husband with the idea of trying to salvage your marriage. He may want to end it right there and he may not. You don’t know and I didn’t know. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and the most afraid I have ever been (I have a hobby where death is a real possibility). But if you continue and it escalates, his choice to end your marriage will become clearer than it is now.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Not, just a point to consider, many posters are betrayed spouses and see your situation through those eyes. They have been your husband and your AP's wife.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I think criticism is not as effective to you, so you're turning a blind eye because it's coming from people who have experienced this from the _other _side of the fence - they've _been through_ what you're putting your husband through, and you have not. 

So you telling them it's fine, harmless, helping your marriage, is like a slap in the face to the people who have been in your husband's shoes. A little empathy for betrayed spouses (including your husband) on your part would speak volumes more about your character than you sitting there _expecting understanding _on our part.

My POV is, everyone has the right to live a happy life, without being lied to on a daily basis, without being wracked with guilt, without having to sneak around to maintain their happiness. Neither yourself or your husband have this 'happy life' right now, and may never have it unless the truth comes out.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> Also, I want to know what does telling your spouse help? I think it might unburden me but then he has to carry the pain. If I could stop this and move on, would that not be enough? I will have to live with the guilt but I think that is better than hurting him.
> 
> Also, to answer the question about if my husband was to do this...Of course I'd be hurt but having been through it myself I think I would understand.
> 
> We have children together and we have a good relationship right now...I have done wrong to let it get this far but I know no good will come of it by telling him. I will just have to stop on my own and deal with what I know would be a very hard time and heart break by my self.


1. You asked how it helps the spouse. Well, as others have stated, he likely knows or at least suspects something is up. For instance, you said you tried to go NC before but everything was miserable without him. You husband likely noticed this, but said nothing.

2. Telling your husband makes you accountable. It also helps you figure out TOGETHER what exactly you have been getting from the OM, and how your husband can give that to you.

3. Yes, it seems no good will come of telling him. But if you don't, and if you simply try to avoid the OM, he will notice that. He will notice that you are going out of your way to NOT have contact with OM, and he will wonder why. And then he will put two and two together and it will be a lot worse by then.

4. You suggested that you would understand if he were to behave like that because you are/have been there? I can assure you, it doesn't work that way. If your spouse cheats on you, you do not feel any understanding. You feel hurt. My husband was always one who maintained the stance that flirting equals cheating. I never would have expected he would have an EA. But he did. After I had mine. And I did not feel understanding because I had done it myself. Wait, let me clarify. I understood... I understood how HE had felt when *I* was cheating. But I didn't feel understanding regarding the affair. 

The best thing I did was tell him about my EA. It made me accountable to him and he to me. Anyway, I think you should tell him. Your marriage, your immediate family, is much more important than extended family and an affair.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> 1. You asked how it helps the spouse. Well, as others have stated, he likely knows or at least suspects something is up. For instance, you said you tried to go NC before but everything was miserable without him. You husband likely noticed this, but said nothing.
> 
> 2. Telling your husband makes you accountable. It also helps you figure out TOGETHER what exactly you have been getting from the OM, and how your husband can give that to you.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Maricha, so very well stated!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Sorry for the misunderstanding on my part, but I could have sworn you wrote he was a close family member; so ya, yuck, if that were the case. My mistake. Only related by marriage, and I guess from where you're from that's OK. Enjoy your cake.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

notsure. I think there are some REALLY good comments here, some from people who have been the WS and managed to work it out.

All that's left is what you choose to do with that information. IT'S YOUR MOVE.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is the OM your brother in law? Please clarify your relation to him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Is the OM your brother in law? Please clarify your relation to him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It wasn't stated. However I think that FiL would be equally bad.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

gbrad said:


> How do you determine the line between someone being a close friend and it being more than a friendship?
> Where is the line of what a spouse can do and say with an opposite sex friend versus with a same sex friend?
> I think the line should be in the same place.


Thanks for making my point. Having a close OSF is actually too far if one wants to put up a manageable boundary that is clear and wothout high maintenance. A friendship us one thing. Buy when they are close, you have bonded. That is the issue.

Exactly!!! So don't do it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

meson said:


> It wasn't stated.


That's why I asked her. 

So, OP. Who is he in relation to you? Evasiveness doesn't really give us the big picture. We can help you better if we have a full understanding.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I have never been on such forums but I found this site by aacident and thought I will ask my question eventhough I'm pretty sure of the response I'd get.
> I have been married for 15 years to a wonderful man and we have a very good relationship for the most part. We have regular sex and although we may not have similar personalities we have been able to provide our children with a happy and stable family. He tends to be a serious man and very conservative in general.
> 
> For the past 6 years I have also had a very close relationship with someone who is a very close family member with whom we are in contact very regularly. Even from the first moment I saw him I sensed a connection with him. He and I have very similar personalities. We seem to understand eachother very well. He is married as well and has a good relationship with his wife.
> ...





gbrad said:


> I still don't understand the insistence on something like this being an emotional affair. If this person that she was friends with was another woman and she was doing all of these things with another woman, you wouldn't blink an eye at it. It is only because it is a man that is her friend that makes you call it an EA. There have been discussions on people having friends that are the opposite sex. *To me, anything you do with a friend of the same sex, you should be able to do with a friend of the opposite sex. A friend is a friend.* Some people just don't have same sex friends that they are that close to.


 
Because of the BOLDED


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> If you are using MS Explorer change to Google Chrome.


Thanks for the heads up.



notsosureofanything said:


> "WHO is the OM? Are you related to him? He's your relative? Who is he in relation to your life???"
> 
> this is one of the biggest problems. Yes, he is related by marriage and we are very close as a family. That is why it would be very difficult to cut contact and *that is why I can't just tell my husband.* It will destroy all kinds of relationships, and I think *it would be unfair* to do that just so that* I* can ease *my* guilt.



Two points:

1. You CAN tell your husband. You just choose not to. Every day. And continue deceiving him, your kids, the OM's wife/family, your family.

2. The only reason that you don't want to tell your husband, or as you say you "can't" tell your husband is actually very simple: because once you do, the fantasy ends. 

Don't pretend that it would be "unfair" to your husband and families when you're already being unfair. You talk about you and your guilt -- but what about your husband and the other wife? 


Question for you: what do you expect will come from this? You run off into the sunset with the OM and your husband and OM's wife are just fine with and pat you on your backs saying "Good luck and best wishes?" It doesn't work that way.

Don't try to play this off as you protecting everyone because you have already destroyed two families by carrying on this charade for SIX years. 

*I am not in denial and I know that what I'm doing is wrong. *

Good. That means you have a conscience. The question is: what are you going to do about it?

*Also, to answer the question about if my husband was to do this...Of course I'd be hurt but having been through it myself I think I would understand. *

I can assure you, you would NOT be ok if your husband was doing this behind your back for six years. Sure, you say that, but trust me, it wouldn't be that once all the chips fell.

_
I will just have to stop on my own and deal with what I know would be a very hard time *and heart break* by my self._

Heartbreak? Oh my. You are in so deep. The fact that you even had to ask if this was wrong is disconcerting.



Entropy3000 said:


> Thanks for making my point. Having a close OSF is actually too far if one wants to put up a manageable boundary that is clear and wothout high maintenance. A friendship us one thing. Buy when they are close, you have bonded. That is the issue.
> 
> Exactly!!! So don't do it.


Some people will never get it. No matter how many times you try to explain it to them.

And I think there is a lot more to this story that the OP hasn't told us. Just a feeling I have.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

gbrad said:


> It may not be the case, but I have to ask it.
> What if she is meant to be with that other person? This may not always be the case, but don't people wonder this when in these types of situations?


There is no such thing as soulmates or meant to be IMHO. But you are free to have that belief. Even if it existed I do not see how it trumps commitment. 

I know you believe that when married you should be on the lookout for the most fit woman. This sounds like hypergamy to me really. The in essence you should be allowed to date others and when you fall in love then that is just fine. It was meant to be.

But lets get real. Any of us are capable of falling in love with many thousands if not many more than this of those of the opposte sex. 

Having this constantly dating approach in marriage actually encourages one to find another. Becasue literally the grass is greener elsewhere. Your spouse has to do the heavy lfting and it is easy for the next affair partner to meet some of your needs and get your interest. This is being a player. This is truly a cheating mindset.

Now if I am wrong I apoligize. But indeed you will endeavor to say it is not dating but just having close intimate emotional relationshiops with OSF and you hang out and do things with them and so on. Many of us call that dating. But labels aside this is the agenda. Right? Always looking for the next bigger better deal? Not willing to commit to one person?


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

notsosureofanything,

Please listen to many of the posters on this forum, most have been thru what you are going thru whether they were the ws or the bs. More times then not it will end badly for YOU and your H if you continue this.

Maracha75 as well as others gave some AWESOME advice and she is one of the many here who has had first hand experience with this issue. Do not trust the OM for counsel on this as he is only looking out for himself and NOT your marriage. :iagree:

I do not believe you are so deep in the fog that you cannot be pulled out because if you were you would NOT have come here knowing the advice that you would get. 

One of the reasons I love this forum is most members here will try their best to prevent others from going thru what they did.....so if you begin to feel weak for the OM, log onto TAM and read the testimonies, confessions and regrets by the members. Let the members here help you, most will give you solid advice which will help you.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Can you imagine if your children found out you were "in love" with Uncle Joe or Grandpa Steve? It would skew their whole idea of family. That should be your biggest concern. I believe you should tell your H so he can help you maintain NC with OM. You owe it to your children to do everything possible to end this affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> There is no such thing as soulmates or meant to be IMHO. But you are free to have that belief. Even if it existed I do not see how it trumps commitment.
> 
> I know you believe that when married you should be on the lookout for the most fit woman. This sounds like hypergamy to me really. The in essence you should be allowed to date others and when you fall in love then that is just fine. It was meant to be.
> 
> ...


Words of wisdom. :thumbup:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> Words of wisdom. :lol:


Sorry for being so blunt. It is just my opinion. 

It was meant with love. 

This is a marriage site and I have very strong feelings that folks should be more protective of the realtionship and that vows do mean something. If you want to marry someone else then divorce and go look for someone else. It is not fair to have a partner and be shopping around for another. Do people do this? I guess so.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Sorry for being so blunt. It is just my opinion.
> 
> It was meant with love.
> 
> This is a marriage site and I have very strong feelings that folks should be more protective of the realtionship and that vows do mean something. If you want to marry someone else then divorce and go look for someone else. It is not fair to have a partner and be shopping around for another. Do people do this? I guess so.


Just to make sure my intent was not viewed as sarcasm, I changed the omoticon to a thumbs up. I agree 100% and honestly think those were words of wisdom.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'll throw in my 2 cents. I"ve been through marriage counselling, a couples course, and read a lot.

One theme I heard repeated over and over was you should not share things with others that you would not share with your spouse. Many ways to explain it, but having an emotional bond with a person besides your spouse is the dangerous slope to a physical affair. 

It's called falling in love with someone else.

I've been tempted. I spent too much time sharing thoughts with someone else. And felt the emotions starting to come to the surface. 

So I turned that towards my spouse. He isn't perfect. Our marriage is barely a relationship. 

But I will leave him before I will let anything like that happen again.

For two reasons:
It's not fair to the person I am "seeing" -- they are not getting the real me, or the truth

It's not fair to ME. It's not true to what I stand to believe in, which would involve lying, hurting someone, causing drama, all those lovely extras.

But there is something else. It made me realise what I want from my current relationship. What it is, exactly, that has been keeping me from either falling in love with him again or leaving for good. 
It pushed me to move one way or another.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> However, the dynamics have admittedly changed. I know we both sound like awful and selfish people to everyone but we did not reach this point lightly.


Yeah, it did take you 5 1/2 years of hardwork to reach this point.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I should say, If my husband had done what I have and decided to end it and continued to be a great partner for me, I would not want to know about the affair.


Oh please!! Do you seriously want us to believe this??

I mean consider this :*continued to be a great partner for me*Point is, you haven´t been a great partner for 6 years..

And still aren't.

Personally i want i Wife.Not a partner.


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

He is not my husban's brother or his father. He is the husband of one of his relatives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Any time effort and / or feelings invested in someone other than your spouse is cheating them.

You are in no way whatsoever a better partner for being unfaithful. You are humiliating and disrespecting your partner. You know you re doing this. So in your heart and mind you are showing him complect disrespect and therefore your have a lack opf love for your husband. You are merely rationalizing your affair. 

Be aware that for men , there wife giving herself to another man is his version of being raped. Yes. I said that. It is taken as an act of violence. This is how one hurts a man. What you are doing.

But in addition you are conspiring with another to disrespect a relative of your husbands as well. So the offense is not just against your husband who you do not care enough for to be faithful. You are violating not just your own marriage but another. Yes that matters. Yes you are both culpable. At some point this will come out. But whether it does or does not the damage has been done.

The only way to start undoing this is to go full NC with your OM.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> There is no such thing as soulmates or meant to be IMHO. But you are free to have that belief. Even if it existed I do not see how it trumps commitment.
> 
> I know you believe that when married you should be on the lookout for the most fit woman. This sounds like hypergamy to me really. The in essence you should be allowed to date others and when you fall in love then that is just fine. It was meant to be.
> 
> ...


If you are actually looking during those friendships, then yes you are right, it is wrong. But if the purpose of it is just friendship, that is different. For it to be dating, it has to involve physical. Friend is friend. I have never understood the taboo of opposite sex friends. We can't determine what will happen in our lives, who will come in and out of it. We can plan all we want, but we never know what really is going to happen.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Jonesey said:


> Oh please!! Do you seriously want us to believe this??
> 
> I mean consider this :*continued to be a great partner for me*Point is, you haven´t been a great partner for 6 years..
> 
> ...


Why is it so hard to believe that some people wouldn't want to know the truth? If my wife had an affair, I would rather not know. Keep that to herself. I doubt she could, the guilt would be too much for her and she would have to tell me. But, I'd rather not know. Given that, if I wanted to, I could forgive and move on depending on who it was with.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> If you are actually looking during those friendships, then yes you are right, it is wrong. But if the purpose of it is just friendship, that is different. For it to be dating, it has to involve physical. Friend is friend. I have never understood the taboo of opposite sex friends. We can't determine what will happen in our lives, who will come in and out of it. We can plan all we want, but we never know what really is going to happen.


The problem, gbrad, is that even when NOT looking, it happens as well. Which is why many of us who HAVE been there say it isn't a good idea. I wasn't looking. My husband wasn't looking. But it happened just the same. EA starts innocently enough and gradually grows to more. While it is growing, the cheater is STILL in the mindset that "we're just friends"... but it has gone beyond that. And that is the case here. But hey, if you're cool with your wife having friends like that, more power to you. But most people I know are NOT ok with such "friendships". Most people I know (and yes, this is in real life as well as online) view it as cheating, or at the very least unfaithfulness. And once burned, it is very hard to go back to the way things were before... really, you can't. 

Now, I will say that my husband and I DO have OSF. But these friends are friends of our MARRIAGE and we choose to NOT speak one on one with them because of the potential to go down that road again.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

gbrad said:


> If you are actually looking during those friendships, then yes you are right, it is wrong. But if the purpose of it is just friendship, that is different. For it to be dating, it has to involve physical. Friend is friend. I have never understood the taboo of opposite sex friends. We can't determine what will happen in our lives, who will come in and out of it. We can plan all we want, but we never know what really is going to happen.


Dating is not physical. Dating is spending time with someone and developing an emotional relationship. Dating may or may not evolve into a physical relationship.

Whether you can understand this or not does not change it. You prefer not to understand. It is your agenda for some reason to rationalize that though you are married you are free to play the field.

We actually do know Gbrad. We are accountable for what we do. When we commit as in a marriage we make that choice. We control ourselves.

We handle this stuff by commiting to our partner and not dating others. That is cheating.

It is being single perhaps living with a FWB that you are not commited to.

It is like a drug addict taking serious drugs and saying they are not looking to become an addict. It just happens.

While there are folks on this site who believe in OSF you go the extra mile in your rhetoric that is just fine and dandy to fall in love with others. Very free and easy. What you are talking about really is a single person who dates many different people. Not a husband.

This is your choice surely. But what does it have to do with folks in a commited relationship? Is your wife ok with this? Does she really know your true feelings on the matter?


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Not so sure...it pains me to type this partly because I am using cell phone and because I feel for and care for your family as I do any family.

Sorry to sound patronizing.

You are seeing through cloudy glasses and are very clearly not seeing and reading things right. Sadly, far too many people get sucked into this hollow world where love and emotional connection blah blah blah are things that make a marriage work. These are good but my experience is that after all the fricking fights, sharp words, painful rejections and burgeoning waistline there is something called commitment or loyalty that makes things work.

Your loyalty is NOT to your husband nor to your children. You too have started on the path to Utopia. You cannot find it because you are looking in the wrong place. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE..come clean with your husband. Quit denying, justifying and torturing your soul with this madness. You will not find the happiness you seek taking this path. You will ruin many more lives. You ARE having an affair . This is not just limited to the physical. Your emotional loyalty is no longer directed to your husband and children. 

The earlier you raise this matter with your husband FULLY- the better it may be for your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> Dating is not physical. Dating is spending time with someone and developing an emotional relationship. Dating may or may not evolve into a physical relationship.
> 
> Whether you can understand this or not does not change it. You prefer not to understand. It is your agenda for some reason to rationalize that though you are married you are free to play the field.
> 
> ...


I'll admit, maybe if I had ever been in a relationship where both people were "in love" with one another, then my view might be different. But I have never experienced that, so I don't know.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

gbrad said:


> I'll admit, maybe if I had ever been in a relationship where both people were "in love" with one another, then my view might be different. But I have never experienced that, so I don't know.


Okay. Okay. Fair enough. I get it. 

I know how one can fall into an EA. before that I believed in having close OSF. I was naive. Honestly it was cake eating. I was fortunate enough to have a a very loving wife. So okay. 

I don't know your situation. But energy spent on other people is energy not invested in the marriage. I get that it seems safe to look for another while to are with your spouse. But that means you are not fully working on the marriage. 

I do not see what we are discussing as a thread jack BTW. This applies here. You are actually just more honest about being open to finding someone else. She is wanting to cake eat.


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## rushzappafan (Aug 15, 2012)

My wife is going through the same thing. She doesn't know I know. She is happier than she has ever been. Our sex life has been better than ever. But I am dying. I hurt so bad. My kids are the only thing keeping me alive. If your husband finds out, and you love him, and he loves you, someone is going to be hurt beyond repair. It is too late for me. I have redone my will and my employee benefits to leave only my kids anything. You may not think you would be affected by your husband's cheating, but he may have a totally different perspective. He may actually love you, which is unlikely that you feel the same. It is so f'ing hard to reconcile the love you have for someone to find out they do not feel the same(or act like they do). Expecially after 20+ years.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

gbrad said:


> Why is it so hard to believe that some people wouldn't want to know the truth? If my wife had an affair, I would rather not know. Keep that to herself. I doubt she could, the guilt would be too much for her and she would have to tell me. But, I'd rather not know. Given that, if I wanted to, I could forgive and move on depending on who it was with.



*sigh* let me answer your question with this

How come, you always hear statements :If my wife/husband cheated and then stopped.And then became GREAT partners(Notice the partner.instead of wife/husband) after they cheated for 6years.I wouldent wanna know?? Seriously??

really need´s to be explained :scratchhead:


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

This morning I was talking to my husband about the opinions on this site in general terms. I asked his opinion about emotional attractions of spouses to another and would he want to know if such a case was with me...he said this would be something that the person will have to work on, on his/her own. They have to work through their own feelings and telling the spouse is not going to be of much help....also if the spouse cheats (in the sexual sense) then it is over, period. 

Pretty much what I had thought he would say. I don't think there is one formula to deal with these things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I don't think there is one formula to deal with these things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is, but you've already rejected it: No contact with the AP. Choose to make your marriage your priority and stop the relationship with the AP.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> This morning I was talking to my husband about the opinions on this site in general terms. I asked his opinion about emotional attractions of spouses to another and would he want to know if such a case was with me...he said this would be something that the person will have to work on, on his/her own. They have to work through their own feelings and telling the spouse is not going to be of much help....also if the spouse cheats (in the sexual sense) then it is over, period.
> 
> Pretty much what I had thought he would say. I don't think there is one formula to deal with these things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That just means he "does not know what he does not know". Lot's of people who have never be in an EA or on the BS side of it don't understand how they work.

He needs to read "Not Just Friends" and "His Needs / Her Needs" just like you do.

His viewpoint is still naive in that he does not understand how you are being driven by strong emotions like when you fell in love with him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> There is, but you've already rejected it: No contact with the AP. Choose to make your marriage your priority and stop the relationship with the AP.


But...Shaggy, if she goes NC with the AP, then her husband will know what he doesn't want to know...

BTW, notsosure, he knows. He said he wouldn't want to know because he doesn't want to hear the words. He knows. Now, are you gonna walk away from your marriage or cease contact with the OM?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm sorry you think that way. Your situation is not unique to you. Both wayward and betrayed spouses told you so, and you do not accept it.

You have shared your emotional attraction (love) with another do you have enough left for your husband, to do the work needed by yourself? Or will you cave in to the withdrawals like the last time?

The ball is in your court, you learned the the rules of the game here. How you play it is up to you. I always did better with a team than on my own. Your do know your AP is on the other team, which one are you on? I fell bad your husband thinks your on his team and he doesn't even know there is another team he is competing with.

I wish both families well, their future is in your's and your AP's hands.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> This morning I was talking to my husband about the opinions on this site in general terms. I asked his opinion about emotional attractions of spouses to another and would he want to know if such a case was with me...he said this would be something that the person will have to work on, on his/her own. They have to work through their own feelings and telling the spouse is not going to be of much help....also if the spouse cheats (in the sexual sense) then it is over, period.
> 
> Pretty much what I had thought he would say. I don't think there is one formula to deal with these things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm really glad you're at least broaching the subject with your husband. I can tell you that EA are not nearly as devastating as PA are to most men.

I know it sounds like we are all piling on and chastising you. I think we all see you at the edge and we want to say something....anything to wake you up.

I think this snuck up on you and when you started having feeling for the OM, you went into denial. Now that there's no denying that you are thinking about more, it's scary. You're probably as shocked as anyone that you have gotten into this situation.

I'm am sorry that you find yourself here but there is a way to return. EA and groping so far if I read right but no sex. That's a silver lining. YOU JUST HAVE TO GET OFF OF THIS RUNAWAY TRAIN.

If you can do anything to wake yourself up from this fantasy then things will look so much different. Normally that means owning up and dealing with harsh consequences. I personally think telling your husband that you have developed feelings is one way to do it. Maybe you can do it without that. IMO you can not do it alone.

Keep listening to everyone here please.


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notsosureofanything (Sep 5, 2012)

Thank you Thundarr and everyone else...believe me I am listening. My intention is to stop my romantic contact with the OM and try and backtrack. It would not be possible to completely cut off contact because it will be noticeable by others. At some point I may be able to tell my husband but right now I just can't (won't).

I know the ball is in my court now. My husband comes before the OM despite my strong feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

May I suggest you purchase and read Dr W Harley's book "His Needs, Her Needs" to help you on your way to back. I recommend it as one of the better guides for your situation. It will be an eye opener and of great help to you and your marriage. It's an easy read. 

Good luck.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

notsosureofanything said:


> Thank you Thundarr and everyone else...believe me I am listening. My intention is to stop my romantic contact with the OM and try and backtrack. It would not be possible to completely cut off contact because it will be noticeable by others. At some point I may be able to tell my husband but right now I just can't (won't).
> 
> I know the ball is in my court now. My husband comes before the OM despite my strong feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great on you. Keep backtracking. When your husband knows and you guys start working through the stink that this would have left behind, you may end up seeing something in your husband that you probably never seen before. This might be painful for you and more so for him. but it will be worth it.

Hang in there.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Any time effort and / or feelings invested in someone other than your spouse is cheating them.
> 
> You are in no way whatsoever a better partner for being unfaithful. You are humiliating and disrespecting your partner. You know you re doing this. So in your heart and mind you are showing him complect disrespect and therefore your have a lack opf love for your husband. You are merely rationalizing your affair.
> 
> ...


The BEST post in this entire dang thread.

Print it out and read it!

Sometimes I get so frustrated with people who post on here. They already know the answer and don't like to hear it. It's annoying.

SH*T or get off the pot but stop playing your spouse. It's cowardly, it's disrespectful and it's the lowest of the low. Do unto others. Own your sh*t. Stop acting like you don't know right from wrong. Stop acting like the decision is so hard. It's not. Where there is a will, there's a way. Sometimes I just can't with these threads. 

Sorry. Vent over.

My bet is the husband knows. Oh what a tangled web we weave. Good luck with all of this OP. In the future, before you spend 6 years deceiving your spouse... really consider what you are doing and others' feelings. Because if you were on the receiving end, you'd hate being lied to for six dang years.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> I should say, If my husband had done what I have and decided to end it and continued to be a great partner for me, I would not want to know about the affair.


the whole not wanting to know was discussed in another section before, it was pretty much 50/50 if people would want to know if it had ended. I'm not sure what to tell you, you're situation is tough, it's not like you can go n/c, you'll have to see him after you end it. If you can end it on your own and tell yourself that you'll make it up to your husband and never make such a poor choice, then do that. But on the other hand, I can't help feel bad for your husband and OM's wife, and the fact that they should know what has been going on, do they not have a say in their marriages?? I know you don't want to end your marriage, but if you've had feelings for this person, and you have a great connection, why stay married? and don't tell me it's for the kids....I hate that.

I'm not judging, and I'm familar with what you're going through.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

working_together said:


> the whole not wanting to know was discussed in another section before, it was pretty much 50/50 if people would want to know if it had ended. I'm not sure what to tell you, you're situation is tough, it's not like you can go n/c, you'll have to see him after you end it. If you can end it on your own and tell yourself that you'll make it up to your husband and never make such a poor choice, then do that. But on the other hand, I can't help feel bad for your husband and OM's wife, and the fact that they should know what has been going on, do they not have a say in their marriages?? I know you don't want to end your marriage, but if you've had feelings for this person, and you have a great connection, why stay married? and don't tell me it's for the kids....I hate that.
> 
> I'm not judging, and I'm familar with what you're going through.


Making a marriage work for the kids is a valid option, even if you hate it. It is what I did and it turned out well in my case.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> Thank you Thundarr and everyone else...believe me I am listening. My intention is to stop my romantic contact with the OM and try and backtrack. It would not be possible to completely cut off contact because it will be noticeable by others. At some point I may be able to tell my husband but right now I just can't (won't).
> 
> I know the ball is in my court now. My husband comes before the OM despite my strong feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Imo you're just playing with fire.What happens if there is a legitimate rough patch in your M or that of the OM? Does it become easier to judge your spouses negatively? Doesn't it just become easier to turn to one another again?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

notsosureofanything said:


> This morning I was talking to my husband about the opinions on this site in general terms. I asked his opinion about emotional attractions of spouses to another and would he want to know if such a case was with me...he said this would be something that the person will have to work on, on his/her own. They have to work through their own feelings and telling the spouse is not going to be of much help....also if the spouse cheats (in the sexual sense) then it is over, period.
> 
> Pretty much what I had thought he would say. I don't think there is one formula to deal with these things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not buying this. Sorry. Forget the whole one formula thing. You are just rationalizing an affair or have some other agenda here. Tell you what. Go ahead and tell him about the affair and then you will know the truth. Also just because both a husband and a wife are clueless about the damages of an EA, does not mean there is not major damage.

You would need his help to break out of the affair.

I mean if a man beats his wife and she keeps returning to him, we cannot say that one size does not fit all. I woman or a man in an affair is as damaging as if they beat each other physically. It is that disrespectful. Many men would give their life for their wives or suffer severe physical trauma than have their wife cheat on them.

Someone saying they could not bare to hear something does not mean thay are ok with it. They are saying the exact opposite.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

working_together said:


> the whole not wanting to know was discussed in another section before, it was pretty much 50/50 if people would want to know if it had ended. I'm not sure what to tell you, you're situation is tough, it's not like you can go n/c, you'll have to see him after you end it. If you can end it on your own and tell yourself that you'll make it up to your husband and never make such a poor choice, then do that. But on the other hand, I can't help feel bad for your husband and OM's wife, and the fact that they should know what has been going on, do they not have a say in their marriages?? I know you don't want to end your marriage, but if you've had feelings for this person, and you have a great connection, why stay married? and don't tell me it's for the kids....I hate that.
> 
> I'm not judging, and I'm familar with what you're going through.


Saying she cannot go NC is a fallacy. Of course she can. But she needs her husbands help.

Lets get real here. Is the OP person really asking for guidance? Idunno. We can assume that just in case they are. However, just asking the question as stated is:

Is it ok to cheat? In fact is it optimal to cheat if I can handle the two lives and keep them separate.

Sorry I don't mind being judgemental here. No. It is pragmatically wrong for the reasons stated that it hurts the primary relationship. But it is also wrong in the same way it is wrong to do any offense. This is the mentality as long as I don't get caught it is ok. Sorry. cheating is wrong from all directions. Just my opinion. The person doing them is also destroying themselves. Destroying their character. Can anyone be more selfish?

There is NO justification for what she is doing.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

I feel like this post should be entitled: "Can I keep my cake and eat it too?"

Aside from that, you can go NC with the OM. In fact, I would bet that your marriage will depend on it. He deserves to know the truth. 

Your husband and the OM's wife should have a say in their marriages. You are crossing the line and being inappropriate. The fact that you won't consider NC speaks volumes to me. I know, from experience, that the addiction is strong.

I was the WW in our marriage; now I'm a FWW. To break the habit (even after going cold turkey to the OM and his fishing attempts), I took several steps. One of them was coming clean to my husband, and he helped me through it. The other was going NC for life.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Damn, this place is depressing.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I have never understood the saying, have your cake and eat it too. If I am going to have cake, it's no good if I don't get to eat it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I have never understood the saying, have your cake and eat it too. If I am going to have cake, it's no good if I don't get to eat it.


And once you eat it it's gone.

Just like once you violate the intimacy of a marriage with a third person, it's gone. 

Such an apt metaphor.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I have never understood the saying, have your cake and eat it too. If I am going to have cake, it's no good if I don't get to eat it.


Surely you jest. Once you eat your cake then it's gone so you can't have it after you've eaten it. You have to choose to either have it or to eat it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I feel for you OP, though I DO NOT condone your EA with an in-law from your husband's family. This will end badly sooner or later. If you are fortunate, your husband will hear it from you. Otherwise, he will likely find out from someone else and you will have caused a whole lot of pain to his family.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Would I know if I had a post deleted?

I thought I had posted last night trying to ascertain roughly what intermittent minor physical contact was.

I wasn't after salacious details or being voyeuristic. It is just that to me, if it was anymore than holding hands, perhaps kissing or petting then it is a physical affair.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WyshIknew said:


> Would I know if I had a post deleted?
> 
> I thought I had posted last night trying to ascertain roughly what intermittent minor physical contact was.
> 
> I wasn't after salacious details or being voyeuristic. It is just that to me, if it was anymore than holding hands, perhaps kissing or petting then it is a physical affair.


Yes. To me a PA is not just penetration. Once there is touching like holding hands other than a quick bro hug or kissing it is getting physical. Some folks will draw the line at sexual activity which becomes gray. But holding hands and kissing is the start of a physical relationship.

Some think this is an EA. While it is a natural; progression from an EA, an EA is a bonding time that may look entirely innocent to some. But it becomes obsessive. It becomes an addcition that may or may not lead to a PA. But not leading to a PA does not mean that the marriage is not being destroyed.

This is why snooping and looking for evidence of a PA can yield little. The sad thing is people will ignore the EA that os progressing and watch for the PA instead of stopping it before the PA.


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