# why stay married for the kids



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Im working through my wifes cheating and we decided to work it out for love & marraige, not the kids.
During the healing process I was asked by W why I didn't love her and it dawned on me "I was never shown intamacy and romance" I grew up with two parents that "stayed for the kids". I never saw them kiss, hug, or smile at each other. So my thinking is, if only I had a better example of what a marriage should be I dont think I'd be in this Forum.
(I asked my wife how she screwed other guys, but thats a differant post)
So my questions is what is the best examble you can show our kids; a broken home or loveless marraige.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Unless there is some sort of physical abuse, drugs and similar then you should try to work out your problems for love and marriage first. Now kids are not a reason to stay in a bad marriage but they are good enough reason to work on one. You work out your problems for love between the spouses and that is something your kids will learn and copy later on in their relationships with others.

Unfortunately I think there are a lot more people out there(both betrayed and wayward) who do not think this way and pick divorce as the only option. If you end up divorced at least you would know that you did your best to work on your marriage.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Aggree,
I like the part "kids are not a reason to stay in a bad marriage".

Some do!

Thanks for the reply.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I have 2 kids with my ex-husband. My kids are the reason I tried to work things out with him when he cheated on me repeatedly and treated me like crap (verbally abusive, sexually abusive), and they are the reason I ended up divorcing him. 

I feel, as parents, we owe it to our children to make every attempt possible to provide them with an intact, happy home with both mom and dad, love, respect, and contentment. Counseling, forgiveness, every and any possible options to resolve issues, should always be tried before throwing in the towel and completely turning a child's world upside down. 

But...in the end, when everything has been tried, and nothing has changed (or not changed enough), then it's better for the kids for the parents to divorce. Kids pick up on the tension, the fighting, the lack of respect, the contempt, they myriad other feelings that exist between two people that are miserable together. And as you, OP, learned from your parents marriage, that sets the wrong example for the kids. 

I feel that my kids, when they are grown and learn *some* of the details of what happened between their father and I, will learn from our example that marriage is a big deal, it is important, and that you should do everything you can to make it work...and that if it won't work, then you should move on to find happiness.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I have to agree with trucker girl. Guy, your wife is a serial cheater of the first order. She apparently cannot stay faithful. 20 different OMs? Her di is cast. This is her life. Her cheating is ingrained in her. I guess its up to you. But I would not expect any improvement in her fidelity.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The only way kids learn what a healthy marriage looks like is from watching their parents. If parents don't love each other and can't manage to treat each other with respect, they're probably not doing the kids any favors by staying together. I wouldn't want my daughter growing up believing that it's perfectly normal for a wife to be a nag or indifferent to her husband. I wouldnt' want my son growing up believing that a husband is supposed to belittle his wife and never display affection toward her. 
The best thing my parents ever did for me was get a divorce. They are very different and weren't great together, but apart, each are decent, lovable human beings. I used to know my mom as a timid victim who accepted all manner of verbal and physical abuse. Now, I know her as a confident, capable, intelligent adult. I used to see my dad as a violent, mean, unhappy person. Now, I get to see him in a much more favorable light. Both are now in healthy relationships.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I started this thread because I would keep reading differant post with the same script "I'm staying for the kids"
It all makes sence, "I'm working on it for the kids" I get it

initfortheduration,
thanks for the reminder:-( 
well acording to our track record we should be solid for a few years.
I suspect I'll start ignoring her and she'll find a boytoy. By then both kids will be out of the house and we can decide on what to do next.
For right now things are good and alot of positive are happening with use as a couple which in turn gives the kids a good start for the school year. Other then dropping big doe for kids' books,parking permits,clothes,dorm grap and such, I have to go on believing that we all get smarter the older we get. 
so wish us luck


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

I think staying in it for the kids is a great reason to work on a marriage when both parties are willing to work on it. In my case my wife cheated on me, I forgave and was willing to work on the marriage, she stayed and worked on it for the kids. It worked out and we are truly happy. Many other stories like mine are out there. But if you are talking about being a continual doormat "for the kids", then that is not a good motivation in my opinion.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> Im working through my wifes cheating and we decided to work it out for love & marraige, not the kids.
> During the healing process I was asked by W why I didn't love her and it dawned on me "I was never shown intamacy and romance" I grew up with two parents that "stayed for the kids". I never saw them kiss, hug, or smile at each other. So my thinking is, if only I had a better example of what a marriage should be I dont think I'd be in this Forum.
> 
> So my questions is what is the best examble you can show our kids; a broken home or loveless marriage?


I think you're asking this question backward. Do you have a cousin in your family that drives you nuts? Or one your own kids maybe that you love but you just don't get along with well? Do you think of divorcing your cousin or divorcing your kid? Most people would say "Well no of course not! They're family! You just deal with it." So maybe you are not super close with and emotionally, vulnerably open with that person, but it doesn't cross your mind to divorce them...you maybe set some boundaries regarding them. 

It's somewhat similar with marriages. Now-a-days couples expect to meet "The One", and live-happily-ever-after...meaning their spouse will be sexual and attractive, will make the effort to be loving, will earn in a continual growing way, and will make them happy until they die. I'm sorry but that's make believe for a reason! In real life, for a variety of reasons, the two spouses meet and naturally kindle each other's love flames...and they decide to marry. Thereafter, to ideally maintain the love, they would BOTH find out what meets their partner's need and make the effort to *do* that! Thereafter, they would have similar sex drives and mutually discuss the whys and hows of any highs or lows. Thereafter, they would take personal responsibility for their own happiness and be aware of their own personality flaws and work on themselves (rather than trying to change their spouse). 

But...WOW who knows to do all that when you're in your 20's, right? 

So when some people say that they "stay for the kids" what they mean is that they know they have a duty that's greater than just doing what makes them feel good even if it hurts everyone else. Or it means they realize they made a commitment to their children to be there for them! Or it means that like the relative, your spouse is family...you don't consider leaving them. You deal with it and honor your promises. 

So when you ask: "So my questions is what is the best examble you can show our kids; a broken home or loveless marriage?" I would answer neither. What is the best example you can show your kids is to show them by your actions that it is a good thing to honor commitments even when it's hard and it is not "all happiness," and that marriage sometimes takes work to rebuild the love for their spouse.


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I think you're asking this question backward. Do you have a cousin in your family that drives you nuts? Or one your own kids maybe that you love but you just don't get along with well? Do you think of divorcing your cousin or divorcing your kid? Most people would say "Well no of course not! They're family! You just deal with it." So maybe you are not super close with and emotionally, vulnerably open with that person, but it doesn't cross your mind to divorce them...you maybe set some boundaries regarding them.
> 
> It's somewhat similar with marriages. Now-a-days couples expect to meet "The One", and live-happily-ever-after...meaning their spouse will be sexual and attractive, will make the effort to be loving, will earn in a continual growing way, and will make them happy until they die. I'm sorry but that's make believe for a reason! In real life, for a variety of reasons, the two spouses meet and naturally kindle each other's love flames...and they decide to marry. Thereafter, to ideally maintain the love, they would BOTH find out what meets their partner's need and make the effort to *do* that! Thereafter, they would have similar sex drives and mutually discuss the whys and hows of any highs or lows. Thereafter, they would take personal responsibility for their own happiness and be aware of their own personality flaws and work on themselves (rather than trying to change their spouse).
> 
> ...


What an awesome, awesome post and a great commentary on what is wrong with love, relationships and marriage in modern western society.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> What an awesome, awesome post and a great commentary on what is wrong with love, relationships and marriage in modern western society.


I agree, spot on Afffaircare!!!


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

if you love the kids .. just pretend to be great partner in front of your kids but do not provide any loving touch to her...

its my suggestion..

MY STORY:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/16474-excuse-me.html


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

thanks for the input
I wish W & I showed more affection to each other in front of kids when they were younger. you know, kissing and hugging.
Now that ther 17 & 21 alls they hear is the bed springs. We do kiss more and hug out side the bedroom but its something we focus on b/c of the past.
Its been a few days since I asked the question, and I thank God we stuck it out even if we often dismissed each other in the past.


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