# Friend who knew



## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

I have been in R for about 18 months and honestly it has been very difficult, I know for the sake of my kids I made the right choice to stay with my wife. There is not a day goes by that I don't agonise about what my wife did. My question to you all is this, we are catching up with some old friends this weekend and one friend in particular I haven't seen since DD. I understand this friend knew about my wife's affair months before I found out, apparently the affair was over when my wife confided in this friend but I have a real problem with he fact that she didn't tell me. I understand my wife put her in a very difficult position however she should have delivered my wife and ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to tell him or I will. My wife wants me to keep the peace and not say anything (convenient for her) but I feel I have to say something. 
What do you think?


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## LoveNpieces (Jan 8, 2014)

Hi,

I know all too well how you feel about the betrayal. My husband and I have mutual friends who love us both. In answer to your question I know why you feel upset with the friend for not saying anything but you cant really put that obligation on the friend. Most of the time even family do not want to get in the middle of relations let alone friends. Her loyalty may be to your wife and she may not have wanted to come in the middle of you both and also cause friction with your wife. What has happened between you and your wife is very serious and people tend to stay clear of getting involved. Its like the bystander effect. They know what is happening is awful and wrong but they dont want to place themselves in harm by getting involved in the mess.

To us who are betrayed it hurts when we find out friends knew, however if that is your wifes friend that is where her loyalties may have been. As much as I am in the same boat in wondering if my husbands family were aware of what is going on and as much as it hurts me, it is ultimately my husbands negligence and obligation to discuss things with me and tell me. Its not the friends or family members obligation, as they are reluctant to do so and may not want to get in the middle and hurt either spouse. 

I hope what i said makes sense as I know how you feel all too well. You have every right to be upset.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Not sure I could let the person in my house. Anyone who knew about my ww afair and did not tell me would be cut out of my life for good.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

She was not a "friend of the marriage", therefore, she should no longer be a friend of either of yours. Especially since you are in R. Cancel the get together, and if your WW DARES to complain, immediately stop R and file for D !


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

If you want to speak to her, do so.

Why does your wife dictate who you can speak to?

Perhaps your wife is worried that you might find out a lot more if you speak to her friend?

I can't see any harm in asking her why she didn't tell you or tell your wife to tell you.

While she is feeling guilty you could ask her if there is anything else you need to know.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I told my friend her boyfriend at the time was cheating on her and she never spoke to me again. I guess it was easier for her to deny it at the time. It really surprised me.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*If they are not a friend of your marriage, they are NOT a friend of yours, and not a friend of your wife's.*

You shouldn't even see this person anymore, they should be out of your life completely.

Of course, you must do what feels right to you.

How close a friend is this, anyway, that you don't see them in 18 months? Keep in touch all the time on facebook?

ME - personally - it would be a deal breaker to me for my wife to remain friends at all in any way, shape or form with anyone who knew about the affair and didn't tell me about it. So, if I were in your shoes, there would be no way my wife still would both be friends with this person AND married to ME. You have to decide what is and is not acceptable to YOU.

If you and your wife ARE going to remain friends with this person, then by all means speak your mind if that is what you want to do.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I would normally agree with the cancel the get together sentiment but this is friends not just the one friend.

OP could insist that the 'friend' does not attend but this might be difficult in that she is probably friends with all the others too.

I would go and tell her how disappointed I was that as a friend she couldn't tell me or at least insist my wife told me.

Tough shet if my wife didn't like it. I'm sure Lmodel didn't like it when she effed some other dude but she didn't care about that.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I would happily go to the get together and invite said friend into a conversation with me and my W about why they didn't say anything to me, I understand this would be a difficult and trying thing to do but it would make sure that there was nothing further to hide and that any future indiscretions would make matters worse as they would be considered to be aiding and abetting the situation.

By all means make a show if you want to, sometimes it helps waywards to understand how sh!tty a thing it was to do in the first place.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I don't think it is fair to put it on her either.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I would normally agree with the cancel the get together sentiment but this is friends not just the one friend.
> 
> OP could insist that the 'friend' does not attend but this might be difficult in that she is probably friends with all the others too.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree, if you want to be part of this group of friends, there's no reason you shouldn't be just because of the one friend who knew. However, I wouldn't be "friends" with that one, she would just be another person who also was there, and there would be no contact before or after other than being there in the group.

Main message though is that you should do what feels right for you. My deal breakers are mine, yours should be yours. The problem that is coming up now with this particular friend is your wife's doing, not yours; your wife put the friend in this situation, and the friend has to be accountable for her own actions - what she did or didn't do with that information. Also, your wife put YOU in this situation, and if your wife has to deal with how YOU feel about it, then she will just have to deal, just like you have to deal with the aftermath of her affair.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> I don't think it is fair to put it on her either.


WTF???

Who said to put it on her?

This is about teaching someone humility and morality, obviously she skipped those lessons, if she had morals she would have said something, not known and said nothing.

Maybe half the town should know about her H doing the ****tail waitress in the store room whilst she carries on like nothing has happened, find out a few months later and then she might learn for her self that it would have been better to have opened her mouth.

I blew up my buddies skank when she tried to blackmail me into an A with her, WTF is wrong with showing some decency to the people in your life?


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I read your old post and i find it odd. When you found out your wife was texting the OM, she lied to you and said OM was having an affair with another women and she was just trying to help him. You believed this but you didn't tell the OMW. 

You believed OM was cheating on his wife but you didn't tell OMW.

You have a right to be mad at the friend but you was in the same position.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

tainted said:


> I read your old post and i find it odd. When you found out your wife was texting the OM, she lied to you and said OM was having an affair with another women and she was just trying to help him. You believed this but you didn't tell the OMW.
> 
> You believed OM was cheating on his wife but you didn't tell OMW.
> 
> You have a right to be mad at the friend but you was in the same position.


Tainted, I did tell her the day after I discovered the texts but she didn't believe her friend (my wife) would do that to her. Believe me, my wife had everyone fooled including me for a long time.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You should dictate the terms of R not your WW.

You need to stand up for yourself and work on you. Do not be in the same situation twice.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> I don't think it is fair to put it on her either.


What do you mean?

She was meant to be his friend too.

I would ask two simple questions.


As my friend, when you found out, why didn't you tell me or make my wife tell me?

To help redeem yourself is there anything else I should know?

I don't think that is 'putting it on her'.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Rugs said:


> I told my friend her boyfriend at the time was cheating on her and she never spoke to me again. I guess it was easier for her to deny it at the time. It really surprised me.


9 times out of 10.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

tainted said:


> I read your old post and i find it odd. When you found out your wife was texting the OM, she lied to you and said OM was having an affair with another women and she was just trying to help him. You believed this but you didn't tell the OMW.
> You believed OM was cheating on his wife but you didn't tell OMW.
> You have a right to be mad at the friend but you was in the same position.





Lmodel said:


> I understand this friend knew about my wife's affair months before I found out.





Lmodel said:


> Tainted, I did tell her the day after I discovered the texts but she didn't believe her friend (my wife) would do that to her. Believe me, my wife had everyone fooled including me for a long time.


I’m confused. :scratchhead:

Your wife’s friend knew about the affair for months and pretended to be the OMW when you called her. This friend pretended that the OM your wife was texting was her husband and told you that she didn’t believe that your wife would do that to her. i.e. Have and affair with her husband.

Do I have this correct?

If so, the friend not only didn’t tell you, she also actively covered for your wife. I bet the friend's husband was in on it too. He would have to be in case you asked him about the texting.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Lmodel said:


> I have been in R for about 18 months and honestly it has been very difficult, I know for the sake of my kids I made the right choice to stay with my wife.


I respect this very much. 



Lmodel said:


> There is not a day goes by that I don't agonise about what my wife did. My question to you all is this, we are catching up with some old friends this weekend and one friend in particular I haven't seen since DD. I understand this friend knew about my wife's affair months before I found out, apparently the affair was over when my wife confided in this friend but I have a real problem with he fact that she didn't tell me. I understand my wife put her in a very difficult position however she should have delivered my wife and ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to tell him or I will. My wife wants me to keep the peace and not say anything (convenient for her) but I feel I have to say something.
> What do you think?


First, be amiable and find out how much she knows. Then cut her off from your wife. You should now be very firmly in the saddle, so far as the decision making goes.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The real person who is not a friend of the marriage, or anybody for that matter, is the wife. What kind of friend is going to put you in a position where you have to betray them by spilling your guts to their spouse or betray the spouse by keeping their mouth shut. Talk about a lose/lose situation. If you're so guilt ridden you can't hold it in, go see a M/C. They get paid to listen and are precluded by law from sharing your "confession".


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> First, be amiable and find out how much she knows. Then cut her off from your wife. You should now be very firmly in the saddle, so far as the decision making goes.


I do agree with this. No real reason to be mean but you know now where you stand with this friend. It is horrible your wife put her in that bad position but now you know you can not trust her in your life anymore. I would just be honest with your wife and tell her that this friend is no longer welcome around your family anymore. 

Surround yourself with good people and your recovery will continue to go a lot smoother. 

Clay


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You have a cheating wife..

She had a cheating friend.

Unless she actively encouraged it, I wouldn't bother too much. People are often hesitant to get into other people marriages. or take the guilt for destroying someone's family life.

Though you could ask her why she chose to keep mum about it in a non-confrontational way. Probabaly all this friend knew about your situation was what your wife old her about you...

Still surprised that you chose to reconcile after what she did. How do you respect a person like her again ? 

What about her social life ? Does she have new friends these days. I remember you posting that it was destroyed after her friends found out that


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> The real person who is not a friend of the marriage, or anybody for that matter, is the wife. What kind of friend is going to put you in a position where you have to betray them by spilling your guts to their spouse or betray the spouse by keeping their mouth shut. Talk about a lose/lose situation. If you're so guilt ridden you can't hold it in, go see a M/C. They get paid to listen and are precluded by law from sharing your "confession".


:iagree: The two friends that I "used" as a cover during my EA/PA were blissfully unaware of that fact. They were blissfully unaware of my affair..... period. I would not have wanted to put them in that position, nor do I think they would have agreed to it if I had asked. 

At the time, I was fairly certain that my husband wasn't going to check up on on me or verify my plans. I kept my cover simple...... It was a once a week night out for appetizers, dinner, maybe a few drinks, and then watching a movie or just hanging out at my "girlfriend's" house for a few more hours. Kind of a "safer sounding" GNO. I decided during the A that if/when my cover was blown, I was just going to let the chips fall where they may. 

Having an affair is already destructive enough. Dragging friends into the situation just adds more pain and destruction, afterwards.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I respect you taking her back if you laid down consequences. What were they?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

EI said:


> :iagree: The two friends that I "used" as a cover during my EA/PA were blissfully unaware of that fact. They were blissfully unaware of my affair..... period. I would not have wanted to put them in that position, nor do I think they would have agreed to it if I had asked.
> 
> At the time, I was fairly certain that my husband wasn't going to check up on on me or verify my plans. I kept my cover simple...... It was a once a week night out for appetizers, dinner, maybe a few drinks, and then watching a movie or just hanging out at my "girlfriend's" house for a few more hours. Kind of a "safer sounding" GNO. I decided during the A that if/when my cover was blown, I was just going to let the chips fall where they may.
> 
> Having an affair is already destructive enough. Dragging friends into the situation just adds more pain and destruction, afterwards.


So what happened with your friendships and your BH relationship with these friends/couples?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

deppnerlo said:


> I don't think it is fair to put it on her either.


Nothing to do with being fair. It is the consequences of having an affair.

You dance you then do not complain about the paying the band afterwards.

A value judgment was made. As Arnold would say collateral damage.

Risk assessment was made. Action was taken. You come up short you can not call for a do over, or I didn't really mean what I thought.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

1. Confirm with your wife who else knows about her infidelity so you have a complete list of offenders.

2. Meet with each "friend" in private.

3. Meet at a restaurant where you are in neutral territory.

4. Diplomatically hold them accountable to be forthright and honest with you from this point onward.

5. Not unlike your R with your wife, you are now in R with each co-conspirator as well. Handle it that way.

6. If they can't take the heat, then tell them they can turn down the previous invitation.

7. Let them know you will not tolerate them keeping critical information from you. Them "not wanting to get involved" or any other excuse they shovel at you wont' fly. Hold them accountable and deal with it.

Deal with it in private, diplomatically. They are co-conspirators and ought to be handled individually, in private.

Record the conversation if you can, so your wife doesn't accuse you of anything.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You accept your wife who cheated and lied.

You want to banish your friend who only lied (and had a pretty good reason).


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

theroad said:


> So what happened with your friendships and your BH relationship with these friends/couples?


The friendships remain unchanged. B1 and I are, both, still friends with these two ladies. One of the friendships goes back to junior high school, in the late 70's, for me. B1 has known "L" as long as he has known me. The other, is my hairdresser, and personal friend, and goes back well over 20 years. B1 and I met "S" at the same time. At the time, she worked in a Beauty salon that was owned by B1's aunt. Being very close friends of mine, they were both aware that our marriage was troubled and that I was very unhappy and planning to divorce in the next year, but neither of them knew that I was, actually, engaged in a full on EA/PA. Within a few weeks of D-Day, when we had told nearly everyone in our inner circle, these friends, although, very saddened, continued to love and support, both, B1 and myself. I believe that's what real friends do, despite the insistence, of so many on TAM, that all WS's be painted with a Scarlet letter and be forever shunned by their families, their friends, and the world at-large. It is during the most difficult times in our lives when we realize who our real friends are. 
It is, also, when we need them the most.

Within a few weeks of D-Day, B1 and I were, both, open with our children, my in-laws, (my immediate family members are deceased,) my closest extended family members, and our very closest friends. I knew that B1, especially, needed all of the support that he could get, but we, actually, ALL needed support and prayers. I know that we/I have been very fortunate to have received a tremendous amount of support from B1's family. Their love and support for our entire family (me, included) has been unwavering from the moment we told them. They let us know that they would support whatever decisions we made and that they would always love me, as well as their son. I've been in their lives since 1981, and they love and support me in spite of my transgressions, just as I have loved and supported them throughout many of their hardships and challenges in life. I've also been an integral part of many happy times in their life, as well. 

That's more than you asked for, but if you read very many of my post, that shouldn't come as a surprise. I think that being directly involved in enabling an affair for someone or even knowingly covering for them during an affair makes them complicit in the affair. The future of a relationship like that between the "friend" and the BS would have to be decided between them, but I don't believe that a BS should insist that any friend who doesn't automatically "dump" their WS can no longer be a friend to the WS, or the BS, particularly, if the BS and the WS are attempting to reconcile.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She was not your friend. However you need to establish some facts. Some of what you know may have been filtered by your wife. 

Speak With the friend in private. Find out the truth from her perspective and tell her how hurt you feel by what she did or rather, didn't do.

Then make your decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She was not your friend. However you need to establish some facts. Some of what you know may have been filtered by your wife.
> 
> Speak With the friend in private. Find out the truth from her perspective and tell her how hurt you feel by what she did or rather, didn't do.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

You don't have to go all Chuck Norris on her.

Just a simple few words explaining how hurt you were that she helped keep it a secret.

Unless she is a total biyotch that will affect her.

Perhaps now you don't want to find out more, but if you did you might get her to spill something else while she is apologetic.

As is said, just a simple; "Is there anything else I should know?"


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Lmodel said:


> I have been in R for about 18 months and honestly it has been very difficult, I know for the sake of my kids I made the right choice to stay with my wife. There is not a day goes by that I don't agonise about what my wife did. My question to you all is this, we are catching up with some old friends this weekend and one friend in particular I haven't seen since DD. I understand this friend knew about my wife's affair months before I found out, apparently the affair was over when my wife confided in this friend but I have a real problem with he fact that she didn't tell me. I understand my wife put her in a very difficult position however she should have delivered my wife and ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to tell him or I will. My wife wants me to keep the peace and not say anything (convenient for her) but I feel I have to say something.
> What do you think?


I was in this exact predicament - including thinking I needed to stay in the marriage with my cheating wife for the kids' sake. I soon discovered that was not the case, and I am divorcing her. Staying in a bad marriage with a cheater strictly for the kids' sake doesn't work - but to each his own.

Regarding the "friend"...I struggle to maintain any civility with her. I called her out on it, and things got real ugly. That's no real friend, sad to say. She eventually went so far as to tell me she was "heartbroken because she just ended her friendship with (my stbxw)". Then I hear through the grapevine she drove 2 hours for her birthday party a week or so later. 

Toxic friends, enablers...sorry, but **** them. The friend betrayed you as well.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Lmodel said:


> I have been in R for about 18 months and honestly it has been very difficult, I know for the sake of my kids I made the right choice to stay with my wife. There is not a day goes by that I don't agonise about what my wife did. My question to you all is this, we are catching up with some old friends this weekend and one friend in particular I haven't seen since DD. I understand this friend knew about my wife's affair months before I found out, apparently the affair was over when my wife confided in this friend but I have a real problem with he fact that she didn't tell me. I understand my wife put her in a very difficult position however she should have delivered my wife and ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to tell him or I will. My wife wants me to keep the peace and not say anything (convenient for her) but I feel I have to say something.
> What do you think?


She's no friend of yours, if she were she would have spoken on your behalf with your wife.

I wouldn't have any contact with her considering she enabled your wifes affair.

Cancel the get together.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Lmodel said:


> I understand this friend knew about my wife's affair months before I found out, apparently the affair was over when my wife confided in this friend but I have a real problem with he fact that she didn't tell me. I understand my wife put her in a very difficult position however she should have delivered my wife and ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to tell him or I will. My wife wants me to keep the peace and not say anything (convenient for her) but I feel I have to say something.
> What do you think?


Girlfriends will protect each other, as do the guys.

I think one of the boundaries, and consequences, of her cheating is that this friend is no longer to be around either of you.

And if she insists on still being friends with someone that will protect her secrets, then you know where you stand in all of this.......as an insignificant.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Lmodel said:


> Tainted, I did tell her the day after I discovered the texts but she didn't believe her friend (my wife) would do that to her. Believe me, my wife had everyone fooled including me for a long time.


Well was there anything in the texts that show she understood or coddled her about the affair?

Its one thing to not say anything to you about it, its another if she said shyte like, "well you have to get your needs met"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

tacoma said:


> She's no friend of yours, if she were she would have spoken on your behalf with your wife.
> 
> I wouldn't have any contact with her considering she enabled your wifes affair.
> 
> Cancel the get together.


She may well have spoken on his behalf to the wife.

He needs to learn more about what was said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Here's the way I look at it.

Your wife is the one that put this friend in a bad position. But never the less, she didn't tell you.

This friend had five choices: 

1)Keep quiet.

2)Keep quiet but urge your wife to tell you.

3)Tell your wife if she didn't tell you, that she would.

4)Tell you anonymously.

5)Tell you without telling your wife.

For me personally, if the friend chose #1, my wife would have to end that friendship and bare the responsibility of losing it.

Choice #2 could go either way; but even if you could prove that she tried to get your wife to confess, I'd still be more inclined to insist the friendship ended.

If the friend was honorable, she could have made choices 3,4, or 5. She didn't.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Here's the way I look at it.
> 
> Your wife is the one that put this friend in a bad position. But never the less, she didn't tell you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Lmodel, after refreshing myself with your other threads, you said most of her friends deserted her I might add rightfully so.
This person is not a friend of the marriage.
YOU get to choose if she sees her or not she gave up that right.
Does she realize WHY she lost all those other friends?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

A bit confused. I thought the friend only found out about the affair after OP's wife confided in her AFTER IT WAS OVER.

Why is she being pilloried? Suddenly she's enabling the affair? Huh?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> A bit confused. I thought the friend only found out about the affair after OP's wife confided in her AFTER IT WAS OVER.
> 
> Why is she being pilloried? Suddenly she's enabling the affair? Huh?


Not enabling it, but possibly condoning it or understanding why she cheated. My guess would be she heard the wife's sob story and sympathized with her. Somehow I bet the two of them had it being the husband's fault.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

There not a friend then.

A real friend would have told you. I know if i knew then i would tell them.

I always think, well how would i feel if my husband was having an affair and nobody told me, Bloody dam well devastated.

I treat others how i myself would want to be treated.

I would say, you tell or i will, and maybe give them a deadline, Or maybe i would just make them tell straight away.

A friend that did that to me would be no friend of mine, because with friends like that who would need enemy's.??


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> She was not your friend. However you need to establish some facts. Some of what you know may have been filtered by your wife.
> 
> Speak With the friend in private. Find out the truth from her perspective and tell her how hurt you feel by what she did or rather, didn't do.
> 
> ...


:iagree: also

If she felt keeping this from you was one of the worst positions she was ever placed in and she lost sleep over what the best course of action would be then she might not be a bad friend to keep. 

OTOH, if she gets defensive, tell your wife she's out of both of your lives forever, and that the new status is all a consequence of the affair.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Lmodel,
> 
> What everyone is saying about confronting her will probably backfire in some way. As soon as you do that, she will go to your wife and talk. There will be further confrontation. I don't see much good coming from this other than, she will know you know.
> 
> ...


If the woman is the right sort of person, she can now serve your purposes. She will be embarrassed. Was she enabling the affair because she like the idea of your wife being free? Did she feel uncomfortable? There are shades of gray here worth considering.

One very straight way to play it is to get your wife, her friend and yourself in a private space and then you say something like this:



> Janet (or whatever the friend's name is), now that the three of us a sitting here, tell me what you thought when my wife told you she was having an affair?


Let her talk herself out. Maybe prompt her a few times if she is saying anything interesting. In conclusion say:

Janet, after listening to you now, I want to ask if your husband confided in me that he was cheating on you, would you expect me to tell you? Or should smile knowingly and joke about hot pvssy?

If her answer is wrong, e.g., "my husband would never do that," or "your wife's confidence is too important," then you tell her that you are sorry but your friendship is now over. And that your wife cannot associate with her either because she will not be your wife any longer if she does.

If her answer is right, e.g., "I am so happy your reconciling. You are two good people who deserve each other. And I would always support your marriage." At that point you can say you know that she will tell you if your wife starts cheating again. If she looks you in the eye and nods, smile and say thank you.

End of conversation.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Don't let your WW dictate what you do or don't do about it. 

Don't you hate the "Everyone knew and the BS was the last to find out". 

The friend didn't ask for the information but imo, once she knew, she had a moral obligation to tell your wife to tell you about it or she would because almost everyone who is asked would they want a friend who knew of the affair to tell them say "Yes". The same goes even if the friend is also a friend of the WS. 

When you do see this 'friend', if she has a husband just say to her pleasantly,
"If I ever find out your husband had or is having an affair, you will be the first to know."
If she doesn't have a husband you can say, 
"You know if you get married one day and I find out your husband had or is having an affair, you will be the first to know". 

This friend is a friend of your WW. 
She's no friend of yours.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Your wife has no say in this issue. This person was no friend to your marriage. You owe neither the so called friend nor your wife any restraint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> A bit confused. I thought the friend only found out about the affair after OP's wife confided in her AFTER IT WAS OVER.
> 
> Why is she being pilloried? Suddenly she's enabling the affair? Huh?


I rather agree with this line of thinking, after some reflection. If it's really true that the friend found out about the A only after it had been over for some time, could she really have been expected to get involved at that point? To what end? If the A was over and OP and W were reconciling, I think the right move was to stay out of it. 

If the A were ongoing, then it would have been a different story.


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