# Cheating parents: Your kids WILL suffer. They won't get over your cheating



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Cheating parents: Your kids WILL suffer. They won't get over your cheating."

That's a bold statement. Can I back it up? Yes. With something from my own life.

My parents never cheated. But they had arguments. Mainly over money. Nasty arguments. They never got physical but they got nasty.

On at lease one occasion my father threatened to leave. He had packed a suitcase, I remember my little brother and I were screaming and crying, holding on to his legs, begging him to stay.

We thought that we had caused him to want to leave. I was five. Over 50 years later, that memory still haunts me.

Now, those of you who are parents who are cheating, you think: "Ah, it won't matter. Children are resilient. They'll get over the fact that I cheated on their mother/father."

*Oh, no they bloody-well won't!*

Their angst will probably be as high and as long-lasting as mine. Even though mine wasn't caused by infidelity.

And if you lack the moral fibre to stop cheating, make sure you don't get custody.

And ensure your children get counselling.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

With all due respect MM, I think we cheaters know this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> With all due respect MM, I think we cheaters know this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Pidge, you know this, because *you* get it. But there are some who don't. They really, honestly genuinely think that everything will be OK, the kids won't suffer all that much and all will be well.

But you and I know that's not the case.


----------



## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Absolutely agree. I posted my experience on another forum a few weeks back...my perspective 25 years after the fact:

I wasn’t going to respond to this post, but after looking around, it amazes me how much some people in affairs underestimate the effect that infidelity has on children. I am a child of infidelity and I am still affected 25 years later. 

We were never ‘told’ of the affair, but within weeks it became obvious and we figured it out. I was 9. My sisters were 8 and 5. You think kids cant tell whats going on? Think again.

One Christmas morning my parents had a fight and Dad walked out. 2 days later he came back to tell us he didn’t love Mum any more, that he wasn’t ready for the responsibility of a wife and 3 children and he was leaving. As kids, we internalise and the translation in our heads? “Daddy doesn’t want us”

Truth was, he had been having an affair with a woman at work, who was 10 years older than my mother with 4 kids and he left to be with her. Kids translation “It must be something wrong with us, because he’s now raising her 4 kids.” Oh yes, he told us it wasn’t us and he would always love us, blah, blah, blah…but kids are naturally self-centred and internalise it no matter what you say. Especially when your words say one thing and your actions say another. 

Dad rationalised the affair by saying that Mum was TOO GOOD of a mother and left nothing in the tank for the marriage. He was neglected. His needs weren’t being met. Sound familiar?

During divorce and custody proceedings Dad attempted to make a case for not paying child support. Couldn’t afford it – he had 4 children to feed. He got every other weekend visitation. But we HATED the OW, HATED her children, was neglected by Dad and so we refused to go. It just hurt too much to see him playing happy families with another family. 

Mum, shattered at the dissolution of her marriage, had a break down and was medicated for depression. Still is. Determined not to be alone (she met Dad at 15), she decided to marry the first guy the asked – he was in the military and 3 days after the wedding we moved 5 hours away from our home town. By that stage we were only seeing Dad maybe once a year. No contact on birthdays or holidays, so he gave his permission for the move and even allowed Mum to change our surnames to our Step Fathers name. He believed that it was best for all if we all jst moved on with our respective families. He was wrong. 

As soon as we moved interstate, I was physically abused. From the ages of 13-18 I was subjected to hitting and beating by both my mother and my step father. My once devoted mother was now a bitter and angry woman who had no hesitation in taking to her children with belts or electric cords, and letting her husband take a hand to 2 of her teenage daughters. I was shuffled around from pillar to post. Being kicked out 3 times between 14 and 18, I lived with grandparents, aunts, a shelter for young women, had my own government commission apartment at 16 and even spent 2 or 3 night just wandering the streets with no where to go. I was angry, so ANGRY. I was depressed, self medicating with alcohol and drugs, promiscuous, quit school, quit work, lived off welfare and was headed down a bad path. 

Oh I know, its all really tragic. But I haven’t told my story for pity or sympathy. Now, Im a successful 35 year old independent woman with a great husband, 3 beautiful kids, 2 degrees a great career and wonderful home. I don’t need pity. But for those involved in EMA’s, who think they have it ‘all under control’ they are seriously deluded. Your life is a house of cards and you have NO CONTROL about how this plays out WHEN it comes out. 

Let me explain:

1.	You have no control about how the affair gets exposed (unless you disclose). It could be an email, a look, an oversight. A child could walk in, a spouse could get an inkling and start investigating, someone could just see something and suspicion sets it. And then look out. They could tell anyone and everyone. Your kids school, your work, your family, your entire contacts list, an ad in the local paper, a vandalised car or a big billboard. They could sit on information for months getting everything aligned to eventually wipe you out. Who knows. You have NO IDEA just how this will come out.

2.	You have no control over how the WS reacts. For my mother, she broke. She was a shell of herself and she became a poor parent. We suffered for that. The BH walked into my dads workplace, made a scene, assaulted my father and then vandalised their only vehicle. Both Dad and OW lost their jobs and with a ****ed car and 4 mouths to feed, that hurt. you have no control over whether they want to R or kick youre arse to the kerb. Its their decision. 

3.	You have no control over how your children find out. For me, it was a bitter mother *****ing with her girlfriends and mother. Dad was the devil, and we believed it. For my H, his father’s affair was exposed when crazy OW forwarded ‘love emails’ directly to him, his sister and their mother. No child should ever have to deal with that.

4.	You have no control about how your kids react. I went from Daddy’s little girl to hating him. I wanted no contact, had no male role models and became a cliché and a statistic. Im sure the day I was born, my parents held me and wished so much more for me than what resulted, but thems the breaks. We paid for his indiscretion. 

5.	You have no control about how this impacts your children long term. I have been unable to trust men in general as a result. I am lucky my husband perseveres because at times I test the very edge of his nerves just by testing how committed to me he really is. My sister on the other hand, is a serial cheat. Go figure. 

6.	You have no control over who your children become exposed to when they are not in your custody. It’s a fact that children from broken homes are more likely to be abused, usually by a step parent. But if you feel you are safe because you’re ex hasn’t found anyone else, think again. Single mothers are also prime targets for child sex offenders. I was molested at 10 by a man across the road who was working under the guise of someone just trying to help out a poor abandoned mother and kids. My Dad even knew him. 

Think you have it all covered? That you’re so smart, that you deserve your affair or that it wont happen to you. It happened to me. You cannot predict the long term effects that infidelity will have on your children. You are supposed to protect them with everything you have, and you risk it all – for what? That’s what it will boil down to for your children. 

Think on that.


----------



## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

This is my biggest fear right now.. 

The long term impact on my girls.. How will they ever trust a man when they can't trust their own father?

I already see the abandonment issues.. But I'm trying like to hell to show them that I will NOT fall apart. I CAN do this and we WILL be okay.. 

But I worry.. A lot.. 

I worry about the sleazy barfly and my loser H.. H has apparently turned into white trash.. And he wants to drag the girls into that? 

I worry if I do start dating.. apparently my choices in men aren't that good.. what if I choose someone that wants to hurt the girls? I fell for a pathological liar once.. apparently I'm not immune.. 

That is the heaviest weight on me.. If it was just me, I'd cry, rage, maybe destroy some of his things, but I'd move on.. But having to watch him hurt his own children? Try and turn them into dysfunctional damaged people like himself? It's wrong.. And that's where I will fight him tooth and nail.. I will try to give them the best chance to grow up healthy..


----------



## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

I think loving them, protecting them, and putting them first is the best you can do. My story sucks because I didn't have that from either parent. Your children will at least get that from you. It will help for them to understand their own value and self worth - at least in your eyes.

ETA: If you engage in As, understanding the impact it will have on your children, then you effectively have announced to your children that they do not come first. They are not a priority, and you will do what you please, their welfare be damned.


----------



## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> "Cheating parents: Your kids WILL suffer. They won't get over your cheating."
> 
> That's a bold statement. Can I back it up? Yes. With something from my own life.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

My H never dreamed that he would be caught, since he got away with it for so long. He never thought it would affect me or the kids. He's starting to see that it has been affecting us the whole time, even if we didn't know. 

The fact that he let me blame myself for our problems all these years just hurts so much. But at the time, he really didn't think he was the problem. I will never understand.


----------



## stuck on hold (Sep 16, 2013)

loopy lu said:


> Absolutely agree. I posted my experience on another forum a few weeks back...my perspective 25 years after the fact:
> 
> I wasn’t going to respond to this post, but after looking around, it amazes me how much some people in affairs underestimate the effect that infidelity has on children. I am a child of infidelity and I am still affected 25 years later.
> 
> ...


The more I read here the more Im left speechless. This is a great post. Sorry that you went through this nightmare but I for one appreciate your post. Thank you..


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

cheaters "say" they know this...but if they really did they wouldnt cheat

my mom cheated on my dad and they divorced because of it...I never forgave her and never will...ever...may she rot in hell


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When I was a teenager, my father cheated on my mother. I heard the fights about it. She eventually decided to stay, for me, and I wish she hadn't. 

From that point until my father died decades later I had absolutely no use for him. Never spent a moment more in his company that I wasn't forced into. 

That's what cheating by a parent can do to a child.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

My teeenage Daughter was told that it would: 
"be better in the long run"
"You can not help where your heart leads you"
" He is a good man"
After the following sentence
" Would you like to meet him"

She moved in with me.

In the following year she continued to try and sell the new guy to my daughter. This pushed her further and further away.

Almost 3 years later after treating her own daughter like a moron and demanding that she "be respected her decisions because she is her Mother " my daughter will have nothing to do with her. She has tried, she is in therapy, she really [as I did] wanted them to have a relationship. 
In the end though she has come to the conclusion that is pointless to try anymore. It hurts too much. 

It is a terrible loss, and for what. A whole load of nothing.


----------



## chuckawu (Nov 7, 2013)

I think we cheaters know this.


----------



## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

chuckawu said:


> I think we cheaters know this.


Then are you able to explain why you cheat...even knowing what the price will be that your children have to pay?

Your job is to protect them, provide safe harbor, respect their other parent, and nurture their emotional well being, provide a role model for how they should conduct themselves, ...knowing all this, why do you drop a grenade into their world? 

Serious question. Is it really the fog? Do you fall out of love with your children also? BS aside - why do you do this to your children who are *innocent* and struggle to process the trauma that YOU inflict?


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

This is my first post on this forum.
My parent’s DDay was over 20+ years ago, but is permanently inked in my memory.
I grew up in your typical middle class suburban neighborhood. Both of my parents had white collar office jobs. My father’s infidelity was not my only issue growing up. My parents daily and constantly emotionally abused and controlled me. My parents didn’t have very many friends except for one other couple with 2 young kids. When I was in my early teens, my father went on a business trip with the wife of the other couple. They drove in the same car together to “save on gas.” My father had this goofy grin on his face when they got back from their business trip. My gut told me that he had slept with the “friend” but of course I was just a kid and I didn’t have any proof. There were a few more business trips where I’m sure the affair continued. I felt disgusted being around this “friend” / Father’s OW. 

After the business trips ended, my parents would continue to spend Saturdays hanging out with these “friends.” I would ask to stay home to do homework. Due to my parent’s controlling nature, I wasn’t allowed to go out with friends or see friends outside of school. I would much rather stay home alone than have to spend time with my parents and my father’s OW and her husband. 

There was one specific incident (when I was 15) where I really objected to spending my Saturday with them (citing a big school project I needed to work on instead); I was forced to go anyway. I pouted the entire time. My father reprimanded me for my poor behavior and demanded I move out of my bedroom and into a small guest room. Instead of moving into the guest room, I jumped from the 2nd floor of my house down to the first floor and broke my leg. I had to be taken to an emergency facility where I was on crutches for 6 weeks. My father decided to back off on the whole “move to the small guest room” idea.

A year later (I’m now 16), DDay arrived. The OW told her husband and he called my father. My father confessed to my mother. Nobody talked to me. I could tell by the closed door conversations and tenseness in the air. That evening OW and H of OW came over to our house, knocked on the door; my parents let them in, only to find that the OW was holding a large kitchen knife. OW promptly began stabbing my father in the leg with her kitchen knife. I saw the knife, and I heard my father screaming. I yelled at her/them, “I’m calling 911,” to get her to stop and leave. My mother yelled back at me, “Don’t call 911.” I directly disobeyed my mother’s orders and dialed 911. The OW and her husband left when they heard me on the phone with the 911 operator. My father went to the hospital for his stab wounds.

To wrap things up, my father’s OW was arrested and convicted of assault with a deadly weapon. OW’s husband was arrested and convicted as an accomplice to the crime. They were both arrested at their respective places at work. They were later both fired from their jobs after their convictions. They both had nice office jobs that required advanced college degrees.
As for me, my father eased off his emotional abuse and let my mother take out her anger on me. My mother oscillated between emotional abuse and trying to make me her therapist, telling me little details of my father’s affair here and there.

In the end, my parents stayed together. My mother blamed OW for seducing my father and herself for not doing her part in keeping my father interested.
I never felt like any of this was my fault, rather I felt that my father cheated on me in addition to my mother. I felt that if my father really loved me (like a father should) he would have said NO. I felt that my father had an affair because he didn’t love me (his daughter) enough.
I had always planned on going to college out of state to get away from my parent’s emotional abuse, but now I was more determined. I got into a good college 1000 miles away and packed up and left, never to return except for short visits. I would find summer jobs near school just so I wouldn’t have to go home for the summer.

Present: I’ve been married for 10+ years and I didn’t tell my husband about any of this until this year. I feel I deceived him; I pretended I wasn’t damaged goods so that he would marry me. We don’t have kids because the world I live in is scary and the only parenting I know is abusive. I have been in and out of counseling for years. I decided to marry my husband because we love each other (duh!), but also because I felt he was least likely to cheat on me. I had a very serious relationship before my husband; my ex-boyfriend and I loved each other deeply, he was completely trustworthy and faithful, but I couldn’t see myself marrying him as he was going into a profession with a lot of temptation (Page 282 of “Not Just Friends” – Shirley Glass, Ph.D., section on Occupational Vulnerability). Just to be clear, I have NC with my ex since the day we broke up. I can’t predict the future and say that I will never cheat on my husband, but I have actively put up boundaries and guardrails to prevent temptation from entering my marriage.

Till this day, I still don’t know what prompted DDay and why OW decided to stab my father in the leg with a big kitchen knife.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with you MattMatt.

I'd also like to add that unless they can both put on a highly convincing act, don't stay together for the sake of the children. Passive aggressive behaviour, continual arguing or sniping is going to damage the children far more than an amicable divorce and shared custody...

Children are super-intuitive, and they know far more than parents often give them credit for - and what they half know can scare the hell out of them.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... Kids don't do well post divorce when the parents don't handle it well. Admittedly, a discovered affair greatly increases the odds of animosity in the co-parenting relationship, but there's nothing saying that if an unhappy spouse left the marriage before cheating the divorce and co parenting relationship would have gone any better. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Whenwillitend (Jul 25, 2012)

In my opinion the same applies to divorce. I am speachless when so called experts say that kids will be fine after a divorce or affairs while so many people are struggling with relationships because what happened to their parents. One of my friends once told me that when you grow up with affairs and divorce it teaches you that making a lifelong commitment to anyone is not possible and that it is ok to quit on your family because YOU do not know how to handle hardship, and that YOUR happiness is more important than anyone elses. I guess thats why its called the ME generation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I know this is an old thread...so sorry for pulling it to the top.

I cheated on my wife. As a kid, my parents' marriage broke up over my dad cheating as well. 

I don't have the same venom for my dad who cheated that many other people have mentioned here. I think I was a mad at him at one point for trying to get my mom to babysit his mistress's kids. And well...the only things I can point to and say "that's what my dad taught me" are either illegal or immoral. In short, I may be so tangled up in my own head that I don't realize my own feelings. 

So two questions....

How do I address for myself what my dad did to my family? I mean...what is there to do? It is in the past. I can call him up and say 'you f-ed up my world' but what is that going to accomplish? My mom died 10 years ago, so I can't even go get the full story anymore. And as the cheater, I don't think he is ever going to give me the full story. He has chosen on his own to not be part of my life. But I don't hate the man. I just want to resolve my own messed up thinking and be a good dad.

And that is the other part of this. I am the moron who thought my affair wouldn't impact my kids. And anyone reading this saying "but you were affected by it...how could you not?" The simple answer is that I had on blinders. My kids know I had an affair. How do I help them grow up to deal with what I did in a healthy way?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thebadguy said:


> I know this is an old thread...so sorry for pulling it to the top.
> 
> I cheated on my wife. As a kid, my parents' marriage broke up over my dad cheating as well.
> 
> ...


Family therapy.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

thebadguy said:


> And that is the other part of this. I am the moron who thought my affair wouldn't impact my kids. And anyone reading this saying "but you were affected by it...how could you not?" The simple answer is that I had on blinders. My kids know I had an affair. How do I help them grow up to deal with what I did in a healthy way?


Talking and talking and then talking more.
Of course it must be genuine the fact theat you completely reject cheating as an acceptable notion so you can discard any potential rationalization.
Ask them what they feel.
Talk.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> With all due respect MM, I think we cheaters know this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know you or your story, but if cheaters know this, that makes the act itself all the more heinous, doesn't it? Willfully hurting your children? Nice.


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> cheaters "say" they know this...but if they really did they wouldnt cheat
> 
> my mom cheated on my dad and they divorced because of it...I never forgave her and never will...ever...may she rot in hell


They have to know it, unless they are clinically retarded. They damn well do know it, they just don't care enough to not do it. Selfishness, remember? Their immediate gratification outweighs the mental, emotional and physical health of their kids, it's that simple.

How old were you when it happened, and how old were you when you knew what she did?


----------



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

chuckawu said:


> I think we cheaters know this.


REALLY??? Then HOW COULD YOU DO IT?????


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Healer said:


> REALLY??? Then HOW COULD YOU DO IT?????


Because broken people make broken decisions?


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

My parents separated and divorced when I was 12/13. I had a severely disabled older brother who was two years older and a younger brother 8 years younger. My mother cited my fathers 10 year affair as reason for the divorce. Both parents remarried coworkers within a year of the divorce. I believe my mom when she said my dad had an affair. But looking back I wonder about my mom- marrying a coworker so quickly. All are still married today 25+ years later.

My dad never ever said one word against my mother, to this day. But more damaging, at least to me, was my mothers constant rage against my father that carries to this day. A couple of drinks and she starts "my f--kin father this and my f--kin father that". I hated it as a teenager. Ended up resenting her more than him. My disabled brother passed away years ago (my mother blamed my dad- he obviously had nothing to do with it. My brother was weakened and choked) and my younger brother has been in and out of trouble. My dad gets blamed for that as well. 

Anyway while I agree an affair is destructive for the kids, I think what's more important is how the parents handle everything afterwards.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

Please..as advised on dwi do not expose to children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By thebadguy*
> My kids know I had an affair. How do I help them grow up to deal with what I did in a healthy way?


Loopy Lu gave a good answer reprinted below:



> *By Loopy lu*
> I think loving them, protecting them, and putting them first is the best you can do.
> 
> Your job is to protect them, provide safe harbor, respect their other parent, and nurture their emotional well being, provide a role model for how they should conduct themselves.


*If you do the above for many years and your children are emotionally healthy people then you will establish a very strong bond with them*









> *By thebadguy*
> How do I address for myself what my dad did to my family?




You were an innocent child and your father is a weak and selfish man. Your father may have weakened you but you are now an adult and that is no excuse.* Your job is to forgive your father and mother and concentrate on you and your children.*


Everyone knows that a parent such as your father will damage a child and give adult lots of emotional baggage to overcome. However, you can get a whole LOT BETTER as have others. You have already shown some positive qualities in that you do not have venom for your father. *There is a lot more that you can do emotionally and spiritually to get a LOT BETTER!*


Do not get caught in the rut that says ”I am so damaged because of what someone else did” *Do not stop getting help and you improving yourself with your decisions and actions*. If you get a setback then get back up and get back to improving yourself.



The other choice is that you just lick your wounds for another 10-20 years and not gain much ground.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> Please..as advised on dwi do not expose to children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, you not only condone lying to your children, but also condone allowing them to form their own opinions about what happened to their family in their own little minds??

I don't think so. Not in my world.

Kids deserve the truth about what is going on in their family, in an age appropriate manner of course.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By MattMatt*
> Cheating parents: Your kids WILL suffer. They won't get over your cheating."



For those that are contemplating cheating your post and many of the other posts that address one of the most painful facts of cheating will be valuable.


*The results of most cheating is that the children ‘s emotions are molested!* 
I have said this before and was taken to task by a few posters.


However, I want to inform others that have already cheated and want to make up as much as possible, that *this damage can be greatly repaired.*

*
It takes years of sacrifice, dedication, dong right, nurturing them in mind, body and spirit, and everything else that you know will build them up*. Do not think that you can get this done in one year. Also get yourself built up to the max so that you can accomplish this and be a giver rather than a pitiful failure.

Matt, this subject is a very highly emotional subject but if the correct information is posted it can be very helpful in the long run


1	Tell the people that are contemplating cheating the horrible damage that will occur to themselves and the innocent children


2	For those that have already cheated and are making excuses, let them have it! I probably do not have to say this as TAM is very good at letting them have it.


3	For those that have already cheated and are truly remorseful and want to do right, give them hope by telling them the truth that it is possible to heal for all concerned but that it takes years and sacrifice.


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

umm...i dont codone lying. I am a recipiant of years of lies and a bs. But my ws relationship w mw is diff than with his sons. Unfortunately my children are the recipients of the hundreds of arguments of his lies for several years. WE ARE HUSBANDS AND DADS AND WIVES AND MOMS. outing out the ws means a goal of placing blame on family breakup. Wh or ww can still be good dads n moms. So why attempt to damage the parent child relationship by adding cheaing info. By the way...i did tell my kids. I deeply regret it. My ws has done huge thinhs other than cheat. In hindsight...i know exactly what i would do differently. If a marriage is bad and your partner refuses to work on it means staying together for kids finances etc and it will lead to cheating. Divorce before this. My mom cheated. But my dad was a great dad but not so much a great husband. They stayed together till she cheated. I will always know she cheated. Why do i need to know this?...my dad did not tell us she did. He didnt know. She told us. Kids do not need to know parents sexual liasons. In hindsight..id done everything differently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

notadoormat said:


> umm...i dont codone lying. I am a recipiant of years of lies and a bs. But my ws relationship w mw is diff than with his sons. *Unfortunately my children are the recipients of the hundreds of arguments of his lies for several years. WE ARE HUSBANDS AND DADS AND WIVES AND MOMS. outing out the ws means a goal of placing blame on family breakup. Wh or ww can still be good dads n moms. So why attempt to damage the parent child relationship by adding cheaing info.* By the way...i did tell my kids. I deeply regret it. My ws has done huge thinhs other than cheat. In hindsight...i know exactly what i would do differently. If a marriage is bad and your partner refuses to work on it means staying together for kids finances etc and it will lead to cheating. Divorce before this. My mom cheated. But my dad was a great dad but not so much a great husband. They stayed together till she cheated. I will always know she cheated. Why do i need to know this?...my dad did not tell us she did. He didnt know. She told us. Kids do not need to know parents sexual liasons. In hindsight..id done everything differently.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you think exposure is an attempt to damage to the parent-child relationship? I suppose I have a different perspective. The adult in the family that has already damaged the parent-child relationship is the WS. They lied to everyone in the family everytime they put the POSOM/OW ahead of the family. They lied every time they used family funds to finance the affair. They betrayed the family with their infidelity.
In my case, one of my children discovered the EAs/PAs. Her relationship with her father is irrevocably broken. The ex is unremorseful for his betrayal and pain, even to the point of screaming to his own daughter that she destroyed our marriage by outing him. Well, she's not that stupid. She knows all too well who did that. I did expose to my younger child, not to punish my ex, but to support my older daughter and let her know that she never had to go through this alone. 

I just don't agree that infidelity can be compartmentalized in the way you suggest.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> So you think exposure is an attempt to damage to the parent-child relationship? I suppose I have a different perspective. The adult in the family that has already damaged the parent-child relationship is the WS. They lied to everyone in the family everytime they put the POSOM/OW ahead of the family. They lied every time they used family funds to finance the affair. They betrayed the family with their infidelity.
> In my case, one of my children discovered the EAs/PAs. Her relationship with her father is irrevocably broken. The ex is unremorseful for his betrayal and pain, even to the point of screaming to his own daughter that she destroyed our marriage by outing him. Well, she's not that stupid. She knows all too well who did that. I did expose to my younger child, not to punish my ex, but to support my older daughter and let her know that she never had to go through this alone.
> 
> I just don't agree that infidelity can be compartmentalized in the way you suggest.


:iagree:


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

thebadguy said:


> I know this is an old thread...so sorry for pulling it to the top.
> 
> I cheated on my wife. As a kid, my parents' marriage broke up over my dad cheating as well.
> 
> ...


You have to show them it's a costly mistake. Not a costly mistake that you did it. That it's a costly mistake when almost anyone does it. Look at all the people that affairs have diminished their lives...


----------



## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I think that the kids knowing or not knowing should be age based. Older teens will know and see a lot more.. My kids, are way too young to understand and therefore know what's going on.. Will they find out eventually? Yeah, I'm sure, but not now.. At their young ages, all they will learn from this is that if their own father won't stand by them, what man will?

NOW, did I fight tooth and nail to keep him from introducing one of the ho's to the girls before 6 months after moving out? You betcha! We even ended up in mediation over it.. He was STUNNED that the mediator not only backed me up on all that, but was appalled that he had already introduced his kids from his first marriage (after 2 months!) 

And honestly, and sadly, I feel really badly for his kids from his first marriage. He and his first wife have screwed those kids up so badly for future relationships.. And what did this most recent escapade teach them? That marriage is disposable.. It's sad.. But I can't even ask my X, b/c he's so off the deep end, it's not worth it.. 

And yes, my H learned it from his dad. He always said he hated that his dad did that, and he never would, but then he did...


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

pluto..i dont think exposure is an attempt to damage the parent child relationship. I think its an attempt to place blame. In hindsight...why does a child need to know about a parents sexual liason. How does this benefit a child? Even without an affair involved how does placing blame on a divorce benefit a child. To me it breeds resentment. My ws and i are both products of our parents divorce. Him as a young child myself as an adult. But w long history of marital discord. A ws who spends money on ap sucks i agree. But so does a parent who spends money on liquor gambling etc. In the end...exposure cant benefit a child. My ws knows his mom cheated as did mine. We both have resentment of them. Wish i didnt know. So does he. I worked in schools treaching. I have a degree in child dev.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

notadoormat said:


> pluto..i dont think exposure is an attempt to damage the parent child relationship. I think its an attempt to place blame. In hindsight...why does a child need to know about a parents sexual liason. How does this benefit a child? Even without an affair involved how does placing blame on a divorce benefit a child. To me it breeds resentment. My ws and i are both products of our parents divorce. Him as a young child myself as an adult. But w long history of marital discord. A ws who spends money on ap sucks i agree. But so does a parent who spends money on liquor gambling etc. In the end...exposure cant benefit a child. My ws knows his mom cheated as did mine. We both have resentment of them. Wish i didnt know. So does he. I worked in schools treaching. I have a degree in child dev.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The kids need to know that even though the media and their friends will potray something as not that big of a deal, everybody does it that there are serious repurcussions behind it and they really want no part in it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

notadoormat said:


> pluto..i dont think exposure is an attempt to damage the parent child relationship. I think its an attempt to place blame. In hindsight...why does a child need to know about a parents sexual liason. How does this benefit a child? Even without an affair involved how does placing blame on a divorce benefit a child. To me it breeds resentment. My ws and i are both products of our parents divorce. Him as a young child myself as an adult. But w long history of marital discord. A ws who spends money on ap sucks i agree. But so does a parent who spends money on liquor gambling etc. In the end...exposure cant benefit a child. My ws knows his mom cheated as did mine. We both have resentment of them. Wish i didnt know. So does he. I worked in schools treaching. I have a degree in child dev.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And sometimes blame needs to be placed.


----------



## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I haven't read the replies but I kinda disagree but probably only on a personal level. My dad apparently cheated on my mum "all the time" in her words. Apparently with my now step mum and others. I have the outlook that its none of my business, it was between my mum and dad and just because he might be a bad partner doesn't mean he is a bad father. My sister and mum have nothing but bad things to say about him. Even when he was giving only months to live my sister still refused to talk to him and this was years after the divorce. My dad is an awesome parent. I harbor no ill feelings for him at all and soo happy he beat the odds and lived. Even with all the hate my sister has for him from only hearing my mums side of the story, she ended up cheating on her long term partner (of 9 years) and my mother has now for the last 11 years has been a mistress to a married with kids man. Im a very loyal person and just dont feel the need to cheat yet I never once judged my father, I was brought up beinh told he is the worse scum on this earth by my mum and because of THAT I hold resentment with her. 
Same thing with my kids dad. He cheated at least twice on me but I will never use that to determine what kind of father he is to our children. I mean he is a useless POS but that's not because he cheated. I have moved on from that and im over it. He is useless in general.


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

i did everything wrong. What im saying is in hindsight. I welcome this debate. For those of you in favor of placing blame or exposing A please state why you feel this way and the benfits to a child. I did not cheat. But i was/am celebate for ten years. Had the oppurtunity arose w the right guy who knows i most likely wouldnt. Cheaters are conflicted between responsibilty to a family and holding together their childrens family and filling the void. If for some reason i cheated does that mean my my parent child relationship has to be destroyed? That maybe i would deserve consequences but why would my children have to suffer. A crap H/W does not mean always a crap dad/mom. Post 9/11 i read divirce rates down due to economy job losses. Does not mean affairs decreased. My ws lied to deflect to kids that i had affair. Thats when i outed him to not have my children falsly blame me. I had not told them prior. In hindsight i wish i had told him either retrack the lie or i expose. 
So..i want to know the benefit of exposure. So far w my children all i ses is resentment. If exposure were to occur i feel better if cheater exposes self then tells children sorry was wrong and repercussions. Otherwise i take the stand i hindsight a couple tells the children marriage disdolving..dont blame anyone and both love the children and make it as amicsble as possible. I wish this were my case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

and as far as media..parents can teach about infidelity w/o having ever cheated or exposure just as parents can teach about drug use..without ever having done drugs. Ive made a ton of mistakes w my children in dealing w ws etc..but i made choices based in heart not head. Luckily my children who have acted out do know their wrong. This is a whole new year and my ws actjons lies deceit abuse has come to an end. I cant fix him. I loved him i wanted to but i cant. People can only fix themselves. I was hoping during seperation he would fix himself n humbly come back to children humbly adm he was wrong on so many levels. Didnt happen. I wish i could have a do over. 
Another prob w blame is that once my children knew his A..ws then looked for anything on me to tell kids to make him look better. To even the score. Any ph call text to guys he told. My children told me this. So...exposure in my case was a disaster to my childen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

browneyes...my ws posow was such an evil biatch that i told my ws after dday1 that if he wants her fine..but i will put a restraining order so my kids not around her. She is a trash talking gossiper vindictive faux religious **** who went to our mutual coworkers complaining i was jealous n married to my husband. She had the mentslity she owned him then she turned me into work for knowing her number but she didnt tell them it was allover my cell due to affair. I even told my ws if he wanted to leave me he could have any one of his xgf and theyd make great step moms...they are good people. My ws posow was nearly like a bunny boiler and she tgreatened to kick my ass. Umm whose husband is he ???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Exposing the affair is meant to stop it. It is not a blame or anything like that.

You marry your spouse. When you have a family and you have kids, the kids are affected by your decisions. Every time you chose to act badly, they see that and they can make their own decisions on what to do about it.

I did not tell my kids that their mother had an affair to cast blame. That is a bullsh!t loaded argument. I told them their mother was having an affair because she decided that the affair was more important that the family. I did not even want to tell them but I was NOT going to lie to them.

Mommy and Daddy just can't get along... That is a lie. I got along with her fine...
Mommy and Daddy feel they need to live apart... That is another lie... She wanter the OM.

I have told my kids that our marriage was not perfect. They know I am not perfect, but they also know that we didn't need to be divorced and never would have been divorced if she was not having an affair. They know the devastation that was caused by the affair. They would live with it whether they knew the reason or not.

I was not going to let them believe for one second that ANY of this was their fault. I was not going to have them doubt themselves and think that if they behaved differently things would have ended differently.

The reason that my EX and I are divorced is simply because she cheated. She has ruined her relationship with our oldest. Our middle son is mostly ruined. That is on her. Her relationship with the children is her relationship.

Now here is the point. IF she were a good mother to them and that is a BIG IF, she would still have a decent relationship with them. I don't sit around and bash her. She has made her choices and continues down the path of none of this is her fault.

The relationship between a parent and a child is theirs to own. If you treat your children with love and respect they will love you. If you choose to break up the family because of an affair, the children will know sooner or later and will have to deal with it. They have to deal with Divorce. I have to say honesty is the best policy. If you always tell the truth, you don't need to remember anything.

It is not about hurting the WS. It is simply the truth. If you don't want to be blamed for atrocious behavior, don't do atrocious things. I call a spade a spade. My oldest saw her cheating... so yeah... I'm not going to lie and cover it up. That just ruins my credibility with my son. I am not going to lessen my relationship with my children to help her. She needs to be a strong woman and do what is right.

If she wanted a divorce and wanted to walk away that is totally different but that is not how things ended. Our family was eviscerated because she like OM. The truth is still the truth.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MovingAhead said:


> Exposing the affair is meant to stop it. It is not a blame or anything like that.
> 
> You marry your spouse. When you have a family and you have kids, the kids are affected by your decisions. Every time you chose to act badly, they see that and they can make their own decisions on what to do about it.
> 
> ...


A-freaking-men....and here are a couple of articles to support what you, I, and many others subscribe to.

This paragraph in particular:

_*It's an opportunity for parents to frame the kind of values they want kids to absorb, and how they want them to think about relationships*: What does intimacy mean? What does trust mean? Why do people get married, anyway? And what happens when there's been a breach of trust and a breach of honesty? Once someone has been dishonest in a relationship, can trust be repaired? Can people who've strayed still love each other?_

The Marriage Terminator: What to Tell (and Not Tell) the Kids About Adultery | Child Mind Institute

This one written by Dr. Harley's daughter Jennifer Chalmers.....

Infidelity: The Lessons Children Learn

notadoormat, not saying you are wrong in your beliefs with your situation at all. These articles, and what MovingAhead so nicely laid out, are simply points of view that I happen to share.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Exposing the affair is meant to stop it. It is not a blame or anything like that.
> 
> You marry your spouse. When you have a family and you have kids, the kids are affected by your decisions. Every time you chose to act badly, they see that and they can make their own decisions on what to do about it.
> 
> ...



:iagree: 100%. :smthumbup:


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

ok but as you say children get whats going on. That she felt like her posom was more important. Why would a child need to be told mommys posom is more important. Divirce is bad enough but knowing you were traded for a posom or ow?. So what again is the benefit to the child. Meaning the positive benefit to them in exposure. In hindsight expisure did not work. The ws either wants you or not. If you force it they could end up staying for kids or finances or guilt. None of which rebuilds a relationship. Im walking down that road. All its done is remind me longer how little i mean and now put me in financial ruin. My kids are destroyed emotionally. No benefit to them. They resent us both. They feel if i was nicer etc dad would not cheated. Blame is a horrible path to wander. We fought cause he wanted everything his way. In effect this caused resentment. Caused celebacy caused cheating etc...ow boosted his ego as he did not control her money her house he was not throwing out lifes resentments at her...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I never told my children that mommy's POSPM was more important.

I told my children that the reason we were getting a divorce was because she was having an affair. She actually told them (without me knowing) that we were getting a divorce. When I found out she told them. I told them why.

I have always been honest with my kids. (Santa excluded) My kids know me and they know who I am and what I believe and how I act.

I did not BLAME my EX. I told my kids the honest truth. People make their decisions. My boys and I had NO CHOICE. We were getting a divorce. It takes 2 to marry and 1 to divorce. I did not blame. I did shake my head at her decisions but I spoke the truth. I did not sugar coat it and I did not dramaticize it.

I have a fantastic relationship with my boys. They know I am honest, that I work hard, that I will be there for them, take up for them and that I expect great things out of them.

She decided to have an affair which by default also made these decisions:

She decided to split the family assets in half
She decided that we see our children 1/2 the time
She decided that the money we had saved for the kids college would be better spent in divorce
She decided that I have no idea how college will be paid for
I had no choice in the matter. My children had no choice on the matter.
She decided that we would have to sell the only house the kids had known.

Her decisions affected us all. The decision to consciously have an affair also subsequently made those other decisions as well. I don't blame her but I am the one cleaning up the mess she left so when I am asked about it, I speak the truth.

I am truthful I constantly tell my kids my shortcomings but I work with them and I have their best interests at heart. Speak the truth and do the right thing. It's really that simple.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Notadoormat, you have repeatedly asked what the benefit to the child is with exposure. To me, in my situation, the benefit was that my children knew they could trust the words that came out of my mouth, and that I respected and trusted them enough to tell them what was going on with their family.
My ex had tons of problems and still does. Before we split, my job as a spouse and parent was to try to present a united front. I frequently filled him in on what was happening with the kids after the fact. I told him about the concert he missed or the game he didn't attend. I tried to make excuses for his behavior for the kids. Once the extent of his betrayal was revealed, my allegiance towards him ended. I do not bash him, but I do not make excuses. I will not lie to my children because they deserve more than that from the parent who chose to stay. I will not lie to them and say "mommy and daddy just don't get along." I have a visceral reaction to lying and my children have always known that. I can forgive almost anything else. I expect the truth from them and they know they will get it from me, even when that truth is painful.

Of course this is age appropriate. I have never gone into the specific details, partly because that would serve no purpose and partly because it would be too painful. But I let them know there are things you can do within a marriage and things you cannot do. His cheating was one of those things you cannot do.

One more thing, when he left I told him the type of parental relationship he maintains with the kids was up to him. Our older child knew since she saw the sexting. I told him it was up to him to fix things with her. He has refused. 
Parents have a responsibility to teach children that there are consequences for actions, and infidelity has consequences. You can sugar-coat it all you like and tell yourself that you are protecting your kids. For me, in my situation, pretending that his betrayal never occurred is a lie.


----------



## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Well, a fair bit has changed with my story since the original post...and a lot of it relates to 'what should you disclose to children'

Just before Christmas I finally learnt that my NPD mother had been lying to me for 27 years about my father's infidelity...to cover up her own. 

About a year or two into the marriage, my father came home to find my mother screwing a co worker in our loungeroom. It had been happening for a month...I was baby asleep in the house....several months later my mother announced she was pregnant...and about 5months in....still don't know what to make of all the questions there. My sister is the spitting image of my mother

Dad rugswept the whole affair, tried to make the marriage work, but with an NPD wife, it was always an uphill battle...her constant lying is and was exhausting....he had enough and left before their 10th anniversary...at the time he has a 'friendship' with the OW...I told Dad it was an EA...he said it probably was. However, for 27year's I was told that he left us FOR her, it was a full blown physical affair, it had been happening for years. Dad says he tried reconcile with mum after separation, but when he mentioned he had recently seen OM, my mother responded with "oh really? Did you talk with him? How is he? Is he with someone"!!!! Dad knew it was hopeless and walked out of the house and the marriage...

So...blah blah blah...27year's later after incredible parental alienation, systemic abuse from an NPD mother, and a million regrets that I now have for how I managed the relationship with my father due to my mother's deception, I am now in IC trying to manage the fallout of an adjustment disorder. 

Had I known THE TRUTH about my parents marriage, I assure you, things would be different for me. Now I have absolutely no relationship with my mother, having to go NC with her to stop the abuse...and a tenuous, difficult relationship with my father who I punished and rejected for 15 years based on what I thought was true. Whilst it is noble that he and his second wife made a pact to never run one parent down to the kids...I have missed half the story and made terrible decisions as a result. Those decisions are what is driving terrible regret and guilt which I now have to live with. Decisions I made as a child...which I should never have been in that position to make in the first place.

So much of what I thought was truth was turned on its head this Christmas...the extent of the lies and cover up is crippling. Why he kept her secret for so long I will never understand.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

loopy lu said:


> Well, a fair bit has changed with my story since the original post...and a lot of it relates to 'what should you disclose to children'
> 
> Just before Christmas I finally learnt that my NPD mother had been lying to me for 27 years about my father's infidelity...to cover up her own.
> 
> ...


Just one more example of why truth trumps non-disclosure.

You're in my thoughts, LL. Too sad.


----------



## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I wrote earlier bout my eldest daughter no longer talking to her Mother and being fcked up by the end of the marriage.

When the ExW was 'deciding' to leave for the other man I was initially very hesitant to tell the children as this almost always results in the total destruction of any possible reconciliation.

On the Monday I told her that if she was going to leave then she must tell the children "why" or that I would tell them myself on Friday.

It got to Thursday and nothing had happened, so I reminded her of what was going to happen.

That day outside in the garden she calmly told her children

"Dad and I are not going to live with each other anymore: I have a new friend" 

I let it slide because inside my heart was bleeding for the kids, and for the life we had. I elaborated no more on her words. 
I rarely said anything to the kids about the breakup, much less about the reason for it.

A week later I was sitting on a windswept beach. Just me and my children, huddled together and silent.
My youngest said.
"What is Mom doing?"
I didn't answer.

My eldest said quietly but full of anger.

"Mom is cheating on Dad. That means she is with someone else"

There were no more words spoken. Nothing else was required, the loss lay heavy on us. 

This moment will stay with me forever as the saddest moment in my life. All their futures changed and diminished in every way that can be measured.

They knew. Later that weekend they told me what they knew, what mom and her friends were saying. 
All these adults they trusted in their lives were lying to them. 

The betrayal was complete 

Over the next few months the ExW attempted to normalize the relationship with her BF. She attempted to introduce him. 

My eldest was furious at her Mother for this, furious at her Mother friends applying pressure to normalize it and demand the acceptance of it. Time went on and I began to recover my sense of self she felt safer with me. The drama was continuing apace at her Mothers house 

This went on for 18 months and then my eldest turned up at the door and told me she was moving in full time. I asked no questions, just made her comfortable.

The demands of her Mother to approve and sanction is what did the damage. not the exposure. 

Always tell the kids. Always tell the truth, not the gory details or the sexual content, but tell them. 

Tell them because they already know at some level. They need one parent to rely on and that person is you. 

All you need to do is be steady, unswerving and reliable. 
Be there for them. They will test your resolve, especially early on. 

No it is not easy. Parenting is hard and harder still when one person bails out emotionally if not physically. 

I am not religious and I do wonder if there is a greater being, but if there is a god. Then, for gods sake no more lies. There have been enough already


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I was 30 when I found out that my father was cheating on my mother, and 31 when they divorced. My younger brother was 27/28. That was over 7 years ago, and we're still not "over it". I absolutely idolized my father prior to "D-Day", so it was a huge shock to me. I have almost no relationship w/ our father now, nor does my brother. 

In some ways their divorce -- or, rather, our inability to deal with it constructively (it was hard, as our mother moved "back home" -- about 1200 miles away -- afterward) created problems in our own marriages years down the road. In my case they didn't really manifest until mid-2012 (I was BS); for my brother it was mid-2013 (he was WS first, *THEN* BS).

Oddly enough, one of the things that I used to say was that I'd have had an easier time dealing w/ my parents' divorce if it'd happened when I was a child (they separated for a few months when we were 8/5). But here's the thing -- our parents never truly stop being our parents and we never truly stop being their children. Some will debate this, and that's understandable. My point here is that, for however long our parents are in our lives, what they do/don't do, how they conduct themselves, etc. IN THAT TIME will reverberate to some degree in each of us for as long as we draw breath. 

One of the most difficult things for us to accept in life -- and I think that this applies to us all -- is that good, honest, and otherwise moral people can have moral failings. It was difficult for me in 2005, even more difficult in 2012, and it's still difficult for me, even now.


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

my ws upon dday a short time later lied to our kids that i had an affair w a man i only had just met at a friends. We never communicated after party. He lied to deflect from him. I did not want my kids to know of his A. But since he attempted to lie about me i told them the truth. If ws wohld just come clean with me and possibly told kids he had decided he wanted divorce or that we were divorcing without blaming me i would not have outed him out..it has greatly diminished his relationship w our kids along w his horrible treatment of me. Now that i am planning the divorce he is becoming desperate. Now that he knows i no longer give in to him abd have sought my own way through minimal outside help and im sticking to my guns he is asking to do anything. Date counseling etc. 
Tonight upon working on divorce plan finances etc he looked at me and said what would make you happy. I said...for you and your posow to sit in my living room and listen to our kids tell you the living hell your affair put them through. The affair behaviors. Split fights.etc. Boy finally i struck a nerve. The look on his face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My dad cheated on my mom with my now stepmom when I was 18. I knew then as much as I know now it was an exit affair. They were both miserable, but too cowardly to walk without someone else to go to. It has never bothered me honestly, and I think it is because I like them both so much better apart. I don't condone what he did, but I accept his weaknesses and needing "motivation. "

My mom never cheated but married some guy she met online 3 months after the divorce was final. 

Codependent much?


----------

