# Need Advice



## notthatguy3 (Jul 2, 2012)

Hi All,

I have been married for a little over 15 years. We have had difficulties for all of that time but no one ever said marriage was easy. 

I have tried to leave my wife several times and each time I've worked up the courage to have the discussion with her but she always breaks down and cries, gets completely upset to the point where I am scared to leave her alone, etc... I am a chicken and don't want to hurt her. 

My main reasons for wanting to leave are that I am not in love with her and I don't trust her. We have been living a lie in one form or another for the entire marriage. We have literally had sex a total of about 10 times through our entire marriage, this was her choosing as I have always been a pervert and prior to being married we had a fairly healthy sexual relationship that I thought would continue. We have made poor choices financially and now I have no visibility of our finances to the point of no access to bank accounts, mail, bills, any of it. She hides these things from me and although I have laid out ultimatums that I get access or else nothing ever changes.

I was able to secure a family loan about 18 months ago that cleaned up all of our debts and get our financial life back on track only to find out 6 months after that she used the money for other things and we are basically about half way back to where we were before the loan. I just don't feel that I can continue with all these issues and I am coming to a realization that there is no way for this to happen where someone isn't going to get hurt. 

I am so completely unhappy and feeling guilty for wanting happiness. Is this normal? Why do I always feel so depressed about our life? Why can't I just do what so many others have done and leave not caring about what the other person thinks. 

I would appreciate any advice you might have.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Start a new bank account and have your paycheck direct deposited there. Take control of your life and the finances and don't get pushed around anymore. When she flips out, don't threaten divorce, just simply tell her that your not ok with the way the finances are taken care of and you are now taking complete control of it. That's what I would do anyway. I'm not sure if it's good advice though.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

As for the sex part, when you man up maybe if your lucky she will find you attractive again and want to have sex.


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## notthatguy3 (Jul 2, 2012)

Not really comfortable putting my dirty laundry on a public form but for the sake of understanding I will.

We had sex all the time before we got married, was quite happy with it, then her Grandparents visited, all of a sudden it was like a switch got flipped, later to find out her grandfather molested her as a child and when she saw him all of the memories came back and she literally could not have sex anymore. I have been very supportive and encouraged her to seek help, even going so far as setting up counseling for her of which she went to one session and that was it. She says she wants to be able to have sex but she can't. I didn't think that was a good reason to leave someone but just can't do it anymore. Don't want to wait another 15 years, be old and gray and still in the same situation. 

I've already got the new account, haven't changed it over yet.


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## Dave22 (Jul 1, 2012)

Wow. That is pretty major. She needs to go to counseling. It seems like that is really the source of all her problems. I can't even imagine...

There must be some way to get her to go. Does anyone else know? Siblings, parents? Maybe you could get some help from them to convince her that she needs to really, really see a professional and not deal with it all by herself...

If you've stuck by her this long, maybe you can support her for a little while longer while she gets help. It's not fair that you have to suffer the consequences of something that happened to her so long ago, but if you can stay by her side while she gives therapy a serious shot you will have been a good husband.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

notthatguy3 said:


> Not really comfortable putting my dirty laundry on a public form but for the sake of understanding I will.
> 
> We had sex all the time before we got married, was quite happy with it, then her Grandparents visited, all of a sudden it was like a switch got flipped, later to find out her grandfather molested her as a child and when she saw him all of the memories came back and she literally could not have sex anymore. I have been very supportive and encouraged her to seek help, even going so far as setting up counseling for her of which she went to one session and that was it. *She says she wants to be able to have sex but she can't. * I didn't think that was a good reason to leave someone but just can't do it anymore. Don't want to wait another 15 years, be old and gray and still in the same situation.
> 
> I've already got the new account, haven't changed it over yet.


"Can't" and "Won't" are two different things. "Can't" implies that she is physically incapable (which isn't the case based on your history). "Won't" is an entirely different issue. Why won't she? Ask her. Explain the difference. Maybe when she mulls this over she will recognize that she needs counseling.

As for the financial problems, it looks like you are getting that under control. You handle the budget. She gets an allowance. Times are tough for everyone and she needs your cooperation in order to stay financially afloat.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Take control of your finances, if she fails to assist in this - go directly to the institutions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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