# Trying to get over "shyness"



## damaska (Feb 23, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We were both virgins when we got married so it was a trial/error learning experience for the both of us. It's actually amazing to see how much we have both matured from the first night until now. 

My concern is, I still can't quite get over my shyness in bed. I'm always thinking that I'll look weird by doing something off the wall. I know he wants me to open up more, but it's always been an issue. When we first got married I was too shy to even get dressed in front of him! Thankfully we are over that now. Our love life is great as it is and we are very affectionate and passionate...I just want to know how to take it to that next step to where we can be completely uninhibited and me not have insecurities in the back of my mind. 

Any advice from the more experienced couples out there?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Get a book of sexual activities - maybe something with pictures - give him the book with a blue pen he should give it back to you with a pink pen. You circle the things you want him to try and vice versa. And each night one of you takes the lead and does something your partner cricled. 

This is kind of low pressure - say you circled 5 things - for sure he will want to do at least one of them - likely more - maybe all. And circle what you WANT because he really wants to know. And then without saying anything in the heat of the moment he can do what he already KNOWS you want. Same for you to him. 

Eventually - you can use "two concentric circles" around things you REALLY REALLY want him to do. 



damaska said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. We were both virgins when we got married so it was a trial/error learning experience for the both of us. It's actually amazing to see how much we have both matured from the first night until now.
> 
> My concern is, I still can't quite get over my shyness in bed. I'm always thinking that I'll look weird by doing something off the wall. I know he wants me to open up more, but it's always been an issue. When we first got married I was too shy to even get dressed in front of him! Thankfully we are over that now. Our love life is great as it is and we are very affectionate and passionate...I just want to know how to take it to that next step to where we can be completely uninhibited and me not have insecurities in the back of my mind.
> 
> Any advice from the more experienced couples out there?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Are you worried that you will lose his love, or that he won't want you as much if you look "weird" or do something embarrassing, or worse, he'll think poorly of you for doing something that "good girls" just don't do? Those feelings can run deep considering how we are raised. 

Start to become playful and have fun with sex, the more of a sense of humor you have, the easier it will be to become silly goofy and yes, "weird" looking. In fact do something that you KNOW you will look weird at and joke about it a bit. 

Chances are you will find your husband is even more endeared to you because he probably feels the same way about things. And you will have the chance to begin to relax and enjoy yourself more as well. In fact, role playing may make that a bit easier, because then it's not "you" in the awkward situations, it's your character. Give that a try too.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

your motivation should be he is likely becoming very bored with you. i have that problem with my wife, she is just too conservative in bed and i fight off yawning sometimes.


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## damaska (Feb 23, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Are you worried that you will lose his love, or that he won't want you as much if you look "weird" or do something embarrassing, or worse, he'll think poorly of you for doing something that "good girls" just don't do? Those feelings can run deep considering how we are raised.
> 
> Start to become playful and have fun with sex, the more of a sense of humor you have, the easier it will be to become silly goofy and yes, "weird" looking. In fact do something that you KNOW you will look weird at and joke about it a bit.
> 
> Chances are you will find your husband is even more endeared to you because he probably feels the same way about things. And you will have the chance to begin to relax and enjoy yourself more as well. In fact, role playing may make that a bit easier, because then it's not "you" in the awkward situations, it's your character. Give that a try too.


The way I was raised, sex was always shameful and should be saved for marriage. Weird part is, after I got married my entire family flipped a switch and began talking to me more openly about sex whether it be in jokes or regular conversation. It's a transition period to switch from "good girl" to "everything goes" and you obviously can't change your way of thinking over night. 
My husband would love for me to let loose more often and he is A LOT more open than me (probably because his parents never shamed sex and talked about it freely). So it's not me being afraid of him thinking me inappropriate, but him becoming bored several years down the road! It's me that has the problem not him. I find myself being insecure about my body even though he tells me I'm beautiful, and I'm still trying to fight the thought that anything crazy I might do is shameful! 

Like the previous post, I guess a lot of this takes time. I just want to do everything possible that will drive him crazy and make him the happiest husband in the world! It's gotten a lot better, but somehow the insecurity is still there. I might try the suggestions you guys have given, they sound good.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

I had similar reservations about sex my whole life and recently made huge strides in overcoming it so maybe I can be of help. Have you guys ever talked about it, not just the big picture but the details: what feels good, what things the other might like, etc?

My husband and I had been together 5 years and were too shy to discuss anything about sex. Before I was able to start communicating with him about such things I spent a lot of time reading about sex, reading about what other couples sex lives were like, etc. I think it really helped break down a lot of the dirtiness I associated with it and made me realize it was all "normal" and good. Unlike you, my family never even bothered to flip the switch after I got married and I still get the impression that sex is something awful and unnecessary.

I still didn't have the nerve to utter those kinds of words though so I wrote my husband a letter and let him read it when I wasn't around. I told him simple things like I want him to tell me what feels good, etc. You could tell your husband that you want to try new things but don't know how to feel comfortable enough to initiate. I'm sure he'd love to help.

After the letter/chat we felt a little silly and were both relieved to hear the other felt the same way. We decided it was time to "grow up" when it comes to sex. Sex is a normal part of life and its important to talk about!

After a few tough little baby steps things have gotten a whole lot easier (and more exciting!). It started when I took the initiative to finally try a bj on him (yes I was worried I didn't know what I was doing, just went for it). He loved it and shockingly so did I. Afterwards I made it a point to ask him how it felt even though it was really awkward. I could tell it was awkward for him too, but those few forced words really seemed to open up communication for us. Now he's not afraid to be a little vocal and has started to tell me when something feels particularly good and I'm not afraid to guide his hand in instances where I'd like something a little different.

By the way - are you SURE your husband doesn't have a bit of inhibition too? I thought that since mine grew up in sex-friendly Europe with porn on everyday TV he couldn't be shy about it. Turns out that was a hugely wrong assumption on my part.

You can do it!!! Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

damaska said:


> The way I was raised, sex was always shameful and should be saved for marriage. Weird part is, after I got married my entire family flipped a switch and began talking to me more openly about sex whether it be in jokes or regular conversation. It's a transition period to switch from "good girl" to "everything goes" and you obviously can't change your way of thinking over night.
> My husband would love for me to let loose more often and he is A LOT more open than me (probably because his parents never shamed sex and talked about it freely). So it's not me being afraid of him thinking me inappropriate, but him becoming bored several years down the road! It's me that has the problem not him. I find myself being insecure about my body even though he tells me I'm beautiful, and I'm still trying to fight the thought that anything crazy I might do is shameful!



This is very very typical - the religius upbringing. I was there also at one time (virgins when married), I was inhibited for many many years of my marraige feeling "shameful" about stuff that I should have been freely enjoying with my husband. It was only until I started reading secular books about sex and taking some of this advice that helped me overcome my negative thoughts & inhibitions. 

I used to use the same terminology as you -
"using a switch" about being pure before marraige (some become sexually repressed & dont realize it) then with the turn of a switch , we are somehow supposed to be allowed EVERYTHING sexual & being a Seductress is encouraged. 
This is accually quite unrealistic in reality. It just doesn't work this way! It takes time to learn and overcome these thoughts of guilt/shameful/dirtiness that we have been raised with for many many years -before Marraige, having been demanded to be So pure when even talking about sex was forbidden somehow. 

I stumbled upon this forum one night, it is all about SEX & Christianity! The Marriage Bed • Index page 

There are ALOT of similar stories as yours on here, with christian advice to overcome this. I personally have benefited MUCH MORE SO from the Secular minded advice myself. You will see if you read any of these stories, how truly PURE , even in your thoughts you are expected to be- before marraige, then all of a sudden, once the wedding takes place, that switch is supposed to be turned and for many many many women, this is just not the case! 

Just know you are not alone in this common struggle. But be encouraged that this can be overcome in time, keep reading about sex, keep posting and keep an open mind. And your marraigebed will go to heights you never imagined possible.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Alright ladies..from a guys perspective...

All us men want is our wives to be crazy in bed...go nuts, we married you cuz we were attracted to you...yes because how beautiful and classy you can look...but when we see that beauty and class, we are dreaming about how sexy, and hot the body would look without those clothes, in the craziest, wildest sex positions....so that's what we dream of....when we get in bed with you, we are already crazy for you..now we are waiting for the good girl to go bad, bend over, stick your ass up in the air ready to be received, or...greet us wearing only a thong..when we come home from work..or put on a little strip tease for us...spread your legs and say "get into me now" or rub your boobies in our faces....we wanna see you enjoy yourselves and unleash that deep inner dirty girl we all fantasized for years before we still had our virginity....what strays men away from their wives sexually is that everywhere we look we see sexy..sexy sex positions, woman enjoying themselves, and so on...and we just want to have that dirty crazy sex experience, and with the one beautiful classy woman we're married to..then our eyes and thoughts will only be focused on you the next day at work, and other women will not appear hot or sexy to us because we are completely and totally satisfied with our wife at home...
piece.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marriedguy said:


> Alright ladies..from a guys perspective...
> 
> All us men want is our wives to be crazy in bed...go nuts, we married you cuz we were attracted to you...yes because how beautiful and classy you can look...but when we see that beauty and class, we are dreaming about how sexy, and hot the body would look without those clothes, in the craziest, wildest sex positions....so that's what we dream of....when we get in bed with you, we are already crazy for you..now we are waiting for the good girl to go bad, bend over, stick your ass up in the air ready to be received, or...greet us wearing only a thong..when we come home from work..or put on a little strip tease for us...spread your legs and say "get into me now" or rub your boobies in our faces....we wanna see you enjoy yourselves and unleash that deep inner dirty girl we all fantasized for years before we still had our virginity....what strays men away from their wives sexually is that everywhere we look we see sexy..sexy sex positions, woman enjoying themselves, and so on...and we just want to have that dirty crazy sex experience, and with the one beautiful classy woman we're married to..then our eyes and thoughts will only be focused on you the next day at work, and other women will not appear hot or sexy to us because we are completely and totally satisfied with our wife at home...
> piece.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

This truly IS how men feel & what they deeply desire from us. There is a chapter in this wonderful book called "Passionate Marraige" literally entitled "F***ing, Doing & Being Done: It isnt what you Do, it's the WAY you do it" - all about wanting their wives to be that BAD girl in bed to fullfill their fantasies.

Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780393334272): David Schnarch: Books


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

marriedguy said:


> Alright ladies..from a guys perspective...
> 
> All us men want is our wives to be crazy in bed...go nuts, we married you cuz we were attracted to you...yes because how beautiful and classy you can look...but when we see that beauty and class, we are dreaming about how sexy, and hot the body would look without those clothes, in the craziest, wildest sex positions....so that's what we dream of....when we get in bed with you, we are already crazy for you..now we are waiting for the good girl to go bad, bend over, stick your ass up in the air ready to be received, or...greet us wearing only a thong..when we come home from work..or put on a little strip tease for us...spread your legs and say "get into me now" or rub your boobies in our faces....we wanna see you enjoy yourselves and unleash that deep inner dirty girl we all fantasized for years before we still had our virginity....what strays men away from their wives sexually is that everywhere we look we see sexy..sexy sex positions, woman enjoying themselves, and so on...and we just want to have that dirty crazy sex experience, and with the one beautiful classy woman we're married to..then our eyes and thoughts will only be focused on you the next day at work, and other women will not appear hot or sexy to us because we are completely and totally satisfied with our wife at home...
> piece.


very well put


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## damaska (Feb 23, 2010)

marriedguy said:


> Alright ladies..from a guys perspective...
> 
> All us men want is our wives to be crazy in bed...go nuts, we married you cuz we were attracted to you...yes because how beautiful and classy you can look...but when we see that beauty and class, we are dreaming about how sexy, and hot the body would look without those clothes, in the craziest, wildest sex positions....so that's what we dream of....when we get in bed with you, we are already crazy for you..now we are waiting for the good girl to go bad, bend over, stick your ass up in the air ready to be received, or...greet us wearing only a thong..when we come home from work..or put on a little strip tease for us...spread your legs and say "get into me now" or rub your boobies in our faces....we wanna see you enjoy yourselves and unleash that deep inner dirty girl we all fantasized for years before we still had our virginity....what strays men away from their wives sexually is that everywhere we look we see sexy..sexy sex positions, woman enjoying themselves, and so on...and we just want to have that dirty crazy sex experience, and with the one beautiful classy woman we're married to..then our eyes and thoughts will only be focused on you the next day at work, and other women will not appear hot or sexy to us because we are completely and totally satisfied with our wife at home...
> piece.


haha, nice. i like the honesty. 

thanks for the link simplyamorous! and for everyone else's advice. i appreciate the responses.


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## damaska (Feb 23, 2010)

VeryShyGirl said:


> By the way - are you SURE your husband doesn't have a bit of inhibition too? I thought that since mine grew up in sex-friendly Europe with porn on everyday TV he couldn't be shy about it. Turns out that was a hugely wrong assumption on my part.
> 
> You can do it!!! Good luck.


He has his moments too. But I would say I'm much more shy than him.


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