# Just Fuming!!!



## Ugh! (Oct 4, 2017)

I've been married for 17 years...2 daughters ages 13 and 17. Husband has been a chronic under achiever since we met. He is incredibly intelligent which I thought would translate to him eventually finding his way in the world but it didn't. I have fixed his credit twice, solved legal problems he created before I even knew him, paid fines, back taxes he accrued before we even met...am even still paying off a delinquent student loan he took out in 93 that he never made a payment on. 

I have three jobs, have made 100% of the down payments on every house we have ever owned, paid for all repairs and improvement. In the mean time, he works two bar tending jobs working about 35-40 hours a week from which he comes home "exhausted" and straight to the computer to watch stupid videos and drink while I work 14-16 hour days. I pay most of the girls expenses including medical, dance lessons, school trips, clothing etc. He is a spender and a functional alcoholic..I.has to drink every night seven days a week. I have been trying to leave him for 10 years now. I no longer love him and have lost my respect for him. He is nice to me though and has been decent to the girls but while he buys them treats, he doesn't really concern himself with the fact that we can't afford health insurance. 

I have finally found the courage to tell home to leave...although he has manipulated me into keeping him around for years...this time I told him he had to find a place. I found him one and made him take it and told him I would help him with the security deposit. I went to write the landlord a check for $500 but he took the checkbook from me and said he wanted to at least b the one writing the check. He has always kept his moochiness a secret from our friends and everybody thinks he is such a great guy.

He was supposed to come up with an additional $1750 but the landlady said she would give home three months to give her the rest of the security deposit. I told him he had three weeks to save the money. Well, he wrote the landlady a check for the $1750 on Sunday and came home and told me that he only had $1000 in the bank. I told him he better call his landlady and tell her not to cash that check. He asked me to put $ into his checking account to cover the check and I told home I wasn't giving him any more money. He got pissed off..he said that I had told him that I was going to help him with the security deposit and I looked at him dumbfounded...I told him I had contributed $500 already. I also reminded him I put down $2k for a down payment for a car for our daughter, paid $450 towards medical care for the girls, paid $140 for ballet lessons for one of them and that's before I sent the mortgage payment...none of which he helped pay!

This was Sunday now it's Tuesday and he hasn't packed or anything. I asked him when he was going and he said he was busy working and to give him a few days...the problem is he is the least motivated person I know and I also know how subtly manipulative he is. He will still be here next year. It's a really tiny place and it's mostly furnished so it's not like he needs a ton of stuff.

I am exhausted and so over it...he has promised our kids so many things over the years and not once kept any of them. His sense of entitlement is breathtaking. And to make matters worse, he is a slob and leaves a mess everywhere for me to pick up! I never used to bring up all the heavy lifting I've had to do financially but I have started to recently since he really does think he is getting the short end of the stick.

The good thing is he and I for the most part are cordial towards each other (he is passive aggressive and doesn't like conflict). The the girls are ok with this divorce, he and I have been sleeping I separate rooms for years now so it wasn't a shock when we told them. But good lord am I frustrated!AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Why does he always make me feel like I'm the unreasonable one!! He told me tonight that I don't appreciate all the contributions he makes around the house....he buys junk food that I beg him not to buy and his financial contributions are about $650 per month total when I'm spending over $4k per month on our household and child expenses....if he was handy around the house I wouldn't mind but he doesn't do **** when he is home...our toilet seat broke and I bought a replacement...I begged him to replace it and it sat there for a year until my brother helped me install it. The microwave broke eight months ago and it's still sitting there...he said he would buy a new one months ago and never did.

I bought an invisible fence for our dog who keeps running away and it's sitting there...he would never get around to installing it...I pretty much work seven days per week so it means I'll have to pay someone to install it for me. Sorry I'm just venting😒😞


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds to me like you should just give him the money so he can move out. 

Take a day off work and hire someone to help you move his just to his new place.

You will save more money, time and aggravation getting him out of the house even if you need to do those things than if he sticks around for a y year pretending that he's going to move. He clearly does not want to move. Why would he? He has a good mommy in your who does everything for him.



> Why does he always make me feel like I'm the unreasonable one!!


He does not make you fell like anything. You chose to feel that way. You have 100% control over the way you react to his nonsense. You chose to 'feel like your are unreasonable." You are clearly co-dependent... meaning that you put cleaning up his messes and his emotional nonsense ahead of your own well being.

Get the book Co-Dependent No More. Read it. Learn from it. And change. If you don't you will be stuck in this cycle forever.

Please don't think I'm attacking you. You are too close to see the forest for the trees. You paid off his bills from before you were married, you saved his behind dozens of times, you are paying his delinquent student loans. He's not making you do any of that. You CHOSE to do it. YOu need to look deep inside yourself to understand why you would do something like these things that are so destructive to you. you should have dumped his sorry behind as soon as you realized the financial mess he was in. Instead you took on the chore of saving him. Why? Answer that and your life forward will be much easier.

Get him out of the house and file for divorce. Do not give him a penny once he's out of the house. Stop paying his student loans. If you are in the USA, they are 100% his responsibility. Stop wasting your money paying those bills.

Good luck on all this. I know it just sucks.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You have taken the first steps, you have acknowledged that the marriage is not working and told your husband. Now, you need to keep moving to get things taken care of.

You cannot just throw him out of the house. Research your states statutes for divorce (if in the US) and get a couple of consolations with attorneys (Usually free or low cost) to learn the requirements where you are and your rights with regards to a divorce. File the appropriate paperwork and get the legal process moving to divorce from your husband and move on with your life.

And stop listening to his arguments that you don't appreciate him, and stop second guessing yourself. You sound like a smart woman, he is just trying to manipulate you (again) to try and avoid the inevitable. You know how to get things done, this is just another goal for you to complete. 

(If he hates conflict so much, not to hard to create an environment in which he will be uncomfortable and avoid. I hate mind games but leverage your opponents weakness to get the outcome you desire  )


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Give him the money and tell him it's the last time you will financially assist him. Pack his stuff and either move it yourself or help him move it. Getting rid of mooches is always a pain temporarily, but so worth it in the long term.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pay his deposit,get rid of him and change the locks.He is a parasite and is leeching off you.You don’t have two children you have three and it’s time for the oldest boy to leave the nest.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

It is indeed fortunate that you are the woman. If your situation was that you were the primary breadwinner as the man, the courts would award spousal support. Being as it is, you will have no problem to kick his worthless ass the hell out and keep your earnings for yourself and your children.



Ugh! said:


> He will still be here next year.


Seems that you understand his type well. You are absolutely right, he will mooch until his dying day. Don't be surprised to find him mooching off someone else within the next few months. But just consider good riddance.



Ugh! said:


> Why does he always make me feel like I'm the unreasonable one!!


Up to now, it worked...... He will now have to find someone else he can manipulate into supporting him.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds to me like you should just give him the money so he can move out.
> 
> Take a day off work and hire someone to help you move his just to his new place.
> 
> ...


I was going to reply, but @EleGirl pretty much said it all, bang-on!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

1. Put his stuff in garbage bags.
2. Leave them by the curb.
3. Call him or send a text: "Your stuff is on the lawn in bags. Better come get them ASAP before the Craig's list curb alert I just posted gets noticed.
4. Post the curb alert.
5. Not your problem anymore.


Oh and...

6. Change the locks.
7. Go pay for the invisible fence company to install it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If all else fails.
If all else fails and it should not if you get tough.

If all else fails, sell the house from under him.

And you and the girls move out when he is at work. 

Do not tell him where you are.


Gawd, I hope it does not come to this!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Pay the damn deposit, close any joint accounts, and pack his sh!t. Rip off that bandaid.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You married an immature loser. Intelligence is wasted on people like him. How sad. 

It is about time you woke up and kicked him to the curb. Do it together with his clothes like another poster suggested. Why did you marry a kid? Did you always want to be a mommy this badly? Maybe you were a tad too young then. You are a much smarter and wiser person now. 

Never too late to throw the trash out!


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