# Husband replies to craiglists ads!



## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

This is my first ever post on this site... I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 31. Things moved very quickly and we were engaged a few months after dating. We moved in together and I got to see his true side. He can be a little controlling and it was frustrating. Also he would make little comments just to take a jab at me. I ended up pregnant after 6 months together. I have always had a strong libido but once I started to see how he really was (it wasn't anything in particular, just fighting once in a while and his poor attitude) I lost interest in having sex with him. That was in 2006 and since then we have gotten married and had another child. I still have yet to gain interest in having sex with him. I've even spoke to him about it. Also he doesn't take interest in being romantic or telling me he loves me, kissing me out of the blue etc. Whenever he drinks (which isn't a lot) he feels like we need to talk about it and that's when it gets ugly. He doesn't seem to understand how I feel, he's only concerned with us having sex. I once read some sent messages in his email outbox when he replied to a craiglist ad for M4M! He has always fantasized about men but I didn't think he would take it that far! They never met but I don't know why. THat was in 2011. Well today I seen another response but this time he sent the guy his phone number to text him at. The date he sent that he was in the city on a business trip alone. He got mad at me for snooping last time and around the same time someone told me a girl kissed him when we were almost split up. When I approached him about both these he was so upset that I don't trust him and it wasn't cheating and blah blah. It drives me crazy! And like I said, I have no desire to have sex with him. I would never cheat on him though. He talks about men lots when we do have sex and I asked him to stop cause I don't like it. I suggested counselling and he didn't want to go but he doesn't want us to split up. He always thinks we should take a trip somewhere together when it gets rough, which usually makes things worse. I'm still young and don't want to be unhappy forever. It's already been 7 years  I want to leave but I cannot afford to... I don't know what I would do. He is currently out of town at the moment and I don't know if I should say anything or what I should say and when? HELP!


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## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

Also, he says its not fair that I've had threesomes (before I even knew him) and now that we are married and I don't want to have sex with anyone else it's not fair to him that he will never get to experience it.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Firstly why would you trust him? Tell him his actions prove him not to be trustworthy.

You need to be very careful, as I very much doubt he's never cheated nor been with a man. He's putting your health risk and that's very scary. 

I would let him know that his behaviour is unacceptable, you have to be prepared to walk away if it continues, because if he thinks he can get away with it (and he does) he will keep doing it. He's also not taking responsibility and trying to blame you by saying you don't trust him etc. 

Ask him for all passwords and phone and email records and make sure you can view the history on the computer. Demand that in order for you to stay married that he stop contacting any one in an emotionally intimate, flirtatious or physically intimate way. That he be completely open and honest with you. That he put effort into your relationship and that he comes to Counseling with you. 

My fear is that he is gay and he married you as a cover. You need Counseling to get to the bottom of this.


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## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

The health thing does concern me for sure! If he has nothing to hide then he shouldn't care if I want to check out his email etc. I have confronted him about being gay and he denies it, just says that he fantasizes about being with men sometimes. I did tell him last time that even if he wasn't going to meet with the guy it was still very hurtful. I think I should offer counselling one more time (last time I offered was 2 years ago) and if he says no then I feel like I should leave. I just don't know how people leave when they can't afford to!


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## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

So he's gone until Thursday...I don't know if I call him or wait til he's home. He is gone for a friends bachelor party.


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## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

That's my definition of gay too! Glad I'm not the only one. I would be ok if he was gay because then I wouldn't have to always worry about whether or not he's cheating on me with a man! Yeah I don't want to be selfish and ruin his trip so I think waiting may be the best. Thanks for the replies!


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

adk said:


> That's my definition of gay too! Glad I'm not the only one. I would be ok if he was gay because then I wouldn't have to always worry about whether or not he's cheating on me with a man! Yeah I don't want to be selfish and ruin his trip so I think waiting may be the best. Thanks for the replies!


I thought the definition of gay was preferring men over women. Does he have some weird fetish?

Doesn't matter what gender it is, he has crossed the line even if he hasn't literally closed the deal.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Mrs. Gibson said:


> Isn't that what he's doing when he fantasizes about other men? :scratchhead:


No, I was just suggesting he has some bi-curious thing going on. That doesn't mean he prefers men over women generally speaking. I have a buddy from HS and a friend from college who have been there done that but decided it wasn't for them and it made me think of your situation. It is a weird subject. My younger brother is gay and he has NO interest in women whatsoever ... he is as repulsed by the idea as me and my other brother are of men ... but I do know guys who have experimented and I wouldn't say that they are gay.

EDIT: Little background on me that perhaps changes my view. My brother is gay and he has known most of his life; we knew longer. I was sexually assaulted by my uncle when I was 7 or 8 (38 years ago). I was coerced to perform oral. I remember it vividly, down to the taste and smell. I didn't know anything really about sex or even what it was ... he gave me instructions and I followed them. I feel uneasy talking about it but there it is. He asked me when we were done if there was anything he could for me. I had no idea what he was talking about. Now I do of course. I am not gay in the slightest bit; I am aroused by the thought of having sex with women and the thought of locking lips with a guy is ... well, gross. However, I have performed a sexual act on a man (my uncle). It does not make me gay. Both guys that I know who have been there done that were curious. I didn't know until after the fact and always knew them as straight. They weren't attracted to men, per se, but simply curious about the sexual act itself. One of them intentionally pursued the act and the other ... well, he's a player who was involved in a lot of sex party type stuff; his was more an impulse. Both of them are happily married (as far as I know). I do know that they prefer women.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> No, I was just suggesting he has some bi-curious thing going on. That doesn't mean he prefers men over women generally speaking. I have a buddy from HS and a friend from college who have been there done that but decided it wasn't for them and it made me think of your situation. It is a weird subject. My younger brother is gay and he has NO interest in women whatsoever ... he is as repulsed by the idea as me and my other brother are of men ... but I do know guys who have experimented and I wouldn't say that they are gay.


I think gay is more a way of life, and it is definitive.
pretty much what JSGW just said.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Mrs. Gibson said:


> Backtracking for a second to address this nutty point of his. To me this is like you (or ANY married spouse) saying, "It's no fair, I'll never get to experience another lover now that I've married you."
> 
> HUH? :scratchhead:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

yup. 
i tell my 2 year old "life isn't fair" when she cries because she cant have something.
start there, OP?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

naga75 said:


> I think gay is more a way of life, and it is definitive.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

Ok I do agree on the gay thing. And what I should have said was maybe bisexual. So he got home on Thursday and I was so upset I didn't even know where to start. So we never really spoke to each other and then the next day he asked me why I was so quite and that's when it all came out. I told him everything that I was feeling and how much it hurt and didn't leave anything out. He was the one that suggested counselling and he claims he wants to change for me. He swears that he didn't go any further than the messages either. (Doesn't make it ok but does make it a little better). He's promised to start helping more with the kids and appreciating me more (which has already started to show). I haven't been very happy in our marriage and I told him that's the reason we don't have sex very often and when we do it's nothing great. He said he goes on craigslist because its a turn on that someone actually wants to have sex with him. It's just a big chain effect... I don't want to have sex with him because of something rude he did or said or something he didn't do, then he gets more cranky because we haven't slept together for a while and neither of us will talk about it! So I hope that the counselling will help and if it doesn't at least we can say we tried. Thanks for all the advice and even just comments!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

The gay thing kind of makes me sick to my stomach. I wouldn't want to sleep with my H either if he got turned on by men. (barf)

But if you still want to make the sex thing work between you and your H, you're going to have to start taking initiative. Forget about how mad he makes you or about any fights you have. Use your anger about the fights and take it out in the bedroom using that energy. That's what I do. Make up sex can be great. 

I know this is going to sound silly, but, if I were you, I would try to turn his conversations about having sex with men into something else while you are having sex with him. Talk to him about your fantasies instead, or whatever you feel comfortable talking about. Even if you can turn the conversations into ones about women, not men, then do that. It's better than him talking about men. If he gets turned off by it, then he's definitely gay or on the road to being gay.


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## adk (Apr 15, 2013)

My issue is that I hold a grudge for a long time. I think about stuff way too much and it's a complete turn off. I do have a hard time even thinking about sex with him so to want to use that energy in bed with him just means that he is getting what he wants and I'm still lacking what I want in the relationship. Once when had a fight about it I made a huge effort for sex. I initiated sex with him for a week straight and he still treated me the same. Since we have talked about all the issues in the last few days we have had sex twice and I did enjoy it. I still have trust issues but would like to work on these at counseling. I can see that he is working at it, which I appreciate so much and would like to be a better person myself.


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