# Any



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

advice and tips on executing Plan B?

I have just written myself a list, things that I want from my life and things I shouldn't settle for.. I know it sounds daft, but I am talking myself through this, that I CAN do this....

Anyone else doing plan B? :scratchhead:


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I don't have a plan A, B...just patience until she decides to move forward or no-where...my plan is patience right now...

I am a list guy though...everyday I make a list of things I need to do...workout, clean which room...laudry, shop for what...read this or that...without my list I am lost...


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

AmImad...yeah i'm no where making a list. I just want him back,once/if that happens we start slowly working things out ...may be than I'll make a list.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

When I was in the process of moving to my new place I made a list about what to do, who to call, what had to be done. I found it very helpful. 

When it comes to my husband..Well. I guess I've done that in my head. At first I had one set of priorities/expectations. Then things happen to alter that. I tried some things, didn't work so on to Plan B I guess. 

What is "Plan B"? 

Stay sane. 

Make my kids happy. 

Make myself happy. Try not overwork myself or stress out. 

Do something fun on the weekends. Get out and do interesting things whenever possible. 

I'm getting there...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here are some Sample Consequences/Plan B Letters you can use to get you started. Write your letter a little bit and then let us see it so we can assist with good, solid, strong wording that communicates your boundaries but doesn't control him. 

Also, tonight I'd like you to work on a schedule to have your children be with him. I'd suggest that you schedule your medical treatments and maybe let him have them on those days (so for example... Mondays and Thursdays are treatment days and HE has the kids on those days. You drop them off Sunday night, he drives them to school Tuesday and you pick them up from school. Then Thursday morning you drop them at school and he picks them up and keeps them over night that night. 

That way you can rest the night before your Monday treatment and have one weekend night "off". You can go to treatment and have the whole night to recover. Then you have time with your kids until your mid-week treatment and you have that night off also to recover. Most importantly of all though, he would learn that as a dad, he doesn't get to just "walk away" and have you watch them at his beck and call. He will HAVE TO make arrangements to have them in his life, to have room for them, to CARE FOR HIS OWN CHILDREN! Also it will burst his bubble of "divorcing her = a carefree single lifestyle". No it doesn't. It means he now has NO PARTNER in his life to help him with the pressures of going to work -AND- raising his children. Now he has ALL the responsibility (not less, like he thought it would be)!!!!! 

Finally, this would give you a much-needed "break" from the worries and pressures of being a single-mom and hopefully give you some time to care for your own self physically! 

Sooooo...work on your schedule for the children tonight/today and please post that here when you have it.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Here are some Sample Consequences/Plan B Letters you can use to get you started. Write your letter a little bit and then let us see it so we can assist with good, solid, strong wording that communicates your boundaries but doesn't control him.
> 
> Also, tonight I'd like you to work on a schedule to have your children be with him. I'd suggest that you schedule your medical treatments and maybe let him have them on those days (so for example... Mondays and Thursdays are treatment days and HE has the kids on those days. You drop them off Sunday night, he drives them to school Tuesday and you pick them up from school. Then Thursday morning you drop them at school and he picks them up and keeps them over night that night.
> 
> ...


Ac,

He won't take the children midweek due to his work & being no where near the school. He just won't. He complained when I asked him to help me out last Saturday (he only saw them Sunday) saying he's not always going to be there...
Which caused a massive argument, where I said they're his children too. He suggests I ask some one to babysit... like who?? I don't have anyone here! 

I'm at a loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I am separated and I guess I am doing a Plan B. I didn't know that there was someone else when he moved out, but found out shortly thereafter. Before that time, I was still "there" for him emotionally. Talking, trying to see where things would go, finding any reason to text, email or ask him to call me. Once I found out about the OP, I turned cold. I told him that I would have loved the chance to work things out, but that he's gone a different way. He obviously made his choice in the game of me v. her and I made it clear that I didn't want to play anymore. I don't see him ever coming back. He tries to engage me in conversation sometimes, but it's nothing meaningful. To me, the Plan B is for me. It helps me to detach and helps me to not focus every minute of every day on this mess that has become my life. To me, Plan B is essentially going "dark" and only communicating with him about kids or finances. I don't engage in a lot of conversation. I'm not hostile or mean and don't ask anything about the relationship, but I also don't engage any more than is necessary. I believe he's shocked that I didn't agree to be "friends". This is what I think has thrown him for a loop, but again, I don't know that it will ever turn his mind around and snap him out of the "fog". I haven't filed any D papers yet, but I have an attorney and am collecting the paperwork that she needs. Plan B is tough, but it actually helps quell the drama, the fear, the depression and all the rest. I guess it's just a conscious decision to stop. the. drama. good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> ... He won't take the children midweek due to his work & being no where near the school. He just won't. He complained when I asked him to help me out last Saturday (he only saw them Sunday) saying he's not always going to be there...Which caused a massive argument, where I said they're his children too. ...


Hey AmImad, when he left to go to Oz to be with his wistress, did he ask you if you would be willing to take the kids? Did he say "Are you going to be available 24/7 to care for OUR children?" or did he just assume you'd do it and leave them? Did he check to see if it was convenient for you? Did he ask you to "help him out" with caring for your children? Did you have the chance to tell him that you aren't always going to be there? OR did he just act as if he had no parental responsibility, dump them on you, assume you'd take the full burden off his shoulders, and LEAVE THEM with you?

I'm not suggesting that you abandon your children or give up your own parental responsibility, but rather, you are not ASKING him if he'd "like to" be a daddy. He IS ONE. He is not able to say "no"--he IS ONE!!!! So Sunday mid-day to Wednesday he HAS TO figure out how to get them to school and get to work. It's not an option and you are not "asking" him. 

See...the fact that he chose to move an hour away from their school in no way negates the fact that he's their father and responsible for them. What would he do if you died (God forbid)? Would he have to figure out how to be a dad by himself somehow? Would he have to figure out a way to get them to school and cared for after school? 

Right now you have stood in the way of allowing him to experience the consequence of his choice to abandon his wife and children. I would say if you choose to move an hour away, the natural consequence is that he'll be spending a lot more time in the car driving!!! That is not YOUR JOB to cover--that's HIS JOB!! He could choose to live near the kids' school. He could choose to work on his marriage. If HE makes the choice to move 1 hour away, then HE PAYS THE PRICE not you. 

Soooooo...make your schedule today and you are not "asking him if he'll do it.' He is their dad. You *will* be dropping them off Sunday mid-day and HE will have them until Wednesday when he drops them at school....and you can pick them up from school Wednesday. it's not an option. He will have to deal with it, and HE will have to find a babysitter, and HE will have to make arrangements...just like you did when he dumped them on you. 

Finally, I'm not suggesting that you use the kids as a pawn or put them in harm's way, but right now he is getting the message that if he wants to abandon his wife and family, he can just walk away and live the carefree "single life"....and he just can not. So allow him to struggle a little. Allow him to learn that leaving his family COSTS HIM. It is not easy, it's is not free, and it COSTS. 

Let's see that schedule for your kids tomorrow. If you want to go literally 50/50...it's 3 1/2 days each parent. If you want to be a little bit generous, I could see 3 days and 4 days or 2 1/2 days and 4 1/2 days but that's it. Okay? You are not "asking" .... you are telling.


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