# Exit plan



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm a stay at home mom to 2 wonderful kids. My son is in elementary school and my daughter is almost 3 years old with severe medical issues. I take my daughter to her many doctor appointments and therapy appointments each week. I take care of the kids and all household chores. I do have a bachelor's degree, but I've been a stay at home mom for the past 4 years. I feel trapped. My marriage has been rocky from the start, but I'm at a point now where I can't live like this anymore. I'm so tired. I don't want to keep going as we are. My daughter has a surgery coming up this summer. Help.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation, and for your daughters health.

To really help advise you best, some details about your marital dynamic would be helpful.

Why do you want out?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You haven't given much to go.on, but whatever you do will come with costs. Staying or leaving. You have to decide what is most important to you but don't labor under the misapprehension that leaving will suddenly open up a whole new world of happiness and fulfillment. You have a hard situation. It will remain hard.

Always remember, even the right choice results in some sort of negative consequence. Sometimes small, sometimes huge. It can take great courage to make the right decision in the face of the costs involved.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation, and for your daughters health.
> 
> To really help advise you best, some details about your marital dynamic would be helpful.
> 
> ...


I want out because I'm tired of being his verbal punching bag. He continuously puts me down(bad wife, bad mother, etc), gas lights me, switches everything around to make him the "victim", lies, and I still feel that he cheated when I was pregnant with our daughter(very, VERY strange behaviors). I am completely worn out in trying. I mean nothing to him, as he cares much more about his parents and siblings. I don't want to "fight" for our non-existent marriage. I don't see the point. I've put in everything I've got for years and I can't do it any more. I'm not mad at him, just done.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> You haven't given much to go.on, but whatever you do will come with costs. Staying or leaving. You have to decide what is most important to you but don't labor under the misapprehension that leaving will suddenly open up a whole new world of happiness and fulfillment. You have a hard situation. It will remain hard.
> 
> Always remember, even the right choice results in some sort of negative consequence. Sometimes small, sometimes huge. It can take great courage to make the right decision in the face of the costs involved.


My kids are the reason I have stayed as it is, but my marriage has gotten ugly. I don't want them to think this is what a marriage looks like. The fighting all of the time, name calling, etc. We barely talk. I want my kids to have stability, but I can't live like this.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Abuse is abuse--whether verbal, emotional, mental, physical. You are done. Y'all will have to learn to co-parent for your children, but no one should stay in abuse for the kids--no matter their health. Doesn't sound like you have a marriage at this point--more like a competition/battle.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I want out because I'm tired of being his verbal punching bag. He continuously puts me down(bad wife, bad mother, etc), gas lights me, switches everything around to make him the "victim", lies, and I still feel that he cheated when I was pregnant with our daughter(very, VERY strange behaviors). I am completely worn out in trying. I mean nothing to him, as he cares much more about his parents and siblings. I don't want to "fight" for our non-existent marriage. I don't see the point. I've put in everything I've got for years and I can't do it any more. I'm not mad at him, just done.


Your husband left your marriage a long time ago.

Divorce will just 'normalise' what he did all those years ago.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Hi! 

* Waves madly * 

Sorry to hear from you under these circumstances. Wishing you and your kids health and happiness.

Have you made up your mind for sure and are asking for help how to go about it, ie an exit plan?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Have you thought about how you would manage alone with the children and probably needing to work as well? Its not easy being a single mum at all. I was a single mum of three for several years and its hard work.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> My kids are the reason I have stayed as it is, but my marriage has gotten ugly. I don't want them to think this is what a marriage looks like. The fighting all of the time, name calling, etc. We barely talk. I want my kids to have stability, but I can't live like this.


Got my.posts mixed up there for a second.

I wouldn't want to raise kids in a toxic environment. Doing the right thing here will be hard at times and you will question your decision many times if you leave. Doesn't make it the wrong decision.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

CharlieParker said:


> Hi!
> 
> * Waves madly *
> 
> ...


I know I should leave, but I'm not sure how. I am trying to come up with some type of exit plan. I wish things were different. My mom is retiring this summer, so I thought I'd wait until then, but I don't know. I have no job to support myself and the kids, so I feel trapped. I have put so much energy into my family, that I haven't taken care of myself. I was preparing for my daughter's surgery, researching, but now I can't deal with the way my husband talks to me. It all just sucks.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Have you thought about how you would manage alone with the children and probably needing to work as well? Its not easy being a single mum at all. I was a single mum of three for several years and its hard work.


I'm well aware that it'll be hard. I have a bachelor's degree and have looked into a few different career options. I haven't applied yet though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Does your husband know you feel this way? If not is there a reason you are not telling him. I mean telling him like. "I am not going to stay if it continues like this" not "I am not happy"


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Does your husband know you feel this way? If not is there a reason you are not telling him. I mean telling him like. "I am not going to stay if it continues like this" not "I am not happy"


Yes, I've been very straight forward. I've told him that he needs to be respectful or I'm done. I told him I can't live like this anymore and that I feel happier when he's not around. He blames me for our marriage falling apart.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Anonymous07 said:


> Yes, I've been very straight forward. I've told him that he needs to be respectful or I'm done. I told him I can't live like this anymore and that I feel happier when he's not around. He blames me for our marriage falling apart.


Well how old are your kids? You will probably have to play the long game but you should at least talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Well how old are your kids? You will probably have to play the long game but you should at least talk to a lawyer and see what your rights are.


My son is 6 years old and my daughter is almost 3 years old. My daughter is medically complex and has a lot going on. We've been married for 7 years, together for 10 years.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

My husband wants to do marriage counseling...I told him to set it up and I'd go along, but don't know if he'll actually schedule it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> My husband wants to do marriage counseling...I told him to set it up and I'd go along, but don't know if he'll actually schedule it.


He probably wont. Sounds to me like he needs individual and anger management therapy. So when he fails to make that MC appointment, be prepared. You should probably go stay with your mom until you can secure employment to get on your own two feet. Yes being a single mom is hard, but not as hard as being a single mom married to an abusive jackass who sucks the life out of you and makes your life 10 times as hard as it should be.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> My husband wants to do marriage counseling...I told him to set it up and I'd go along, but don't know if he'll actually schedule it.


See what happens.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

The key words you said were “I am done” and “I don’t want to fight for this marriage anymore.”

When you truly reach this point (not just because you are having a bad week or he just royally pissed you off) there is not really anywhere to go with the relationship from that time on. I endured my situation with my XH for so many years, and then I said the same words above. I knew nothing was ever going to change and I wanted out. I was DONE. Counseling, talking a ton, waiting another year, nothing worked. I also didn’t want to leave because of my kids, but their dad was not abusive. So I desperately wanted to stay until they were grown. I didn’t make it.

The divorce was hard on them, and somewhat still is for our youngest. I wish I could have stayed longer for them, but I didn’t make it. I am happily remarried to a wonderful man, and so much of what I was missing is now fulfilled. But like everyone has already said, it is NOT an easy road. It does get better though, and it is amazing what real happiness does for the soul after so many years of unhappiness.

Simply put I would:
1. Meet with a lawyer. 
2. Follow his/her directions. 
3. Go to your moms to get reestablished. She doesn’t need to be retired for you to do this. If she is supportive of you leaving and coming there, go.

I wish you and your babies the very best.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Are you prepared to be a single, working mother of a child with high needs? Not be a Debbie Downer but have you considered if you will be able to find a job that lets you attend multiple appointments per week for your daughter? Will you be able to put her in daycare with her complex medical issues? Will you be able to support yourself? Can you balance what you want with what you and the kids need?


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