# The EX is back in the picture.



## confusedbee (Dec 21, 2012)

Hello to all, I am new to this.. I have been looking online for some support in this confusing problem in my marriage that I am going though and I am so glad I ran into this site. I hope I can get some good advice from anyone who has possibly been though this or can relate to what I am going through in my marriage.

My story: I am 27 years old, my husband is 32. We have been together for 10 years married 5 years. I met my husband what I was 17 years old and I never really had time to be single and enjoy my life. Once I met him I knew he was going to be a great partner. He is very sweet, he treats me great. He really is just a great husband and my best friend. However the past couple of months I have been a bit distant.... See I always knew that I didn't enjoy my youth. Although we enjoyed it together I never had fun on my own or dated around. Well before my husband I was dating a very attractive bad boy he was the guy of my dreams. I honestly ended up with my husband more to forget about my ex. But I never did forget about him. All I did through out my relationship was stay friends with the ex and kept it casual as friends. My husband never found out and has still not found out till this day because I have hid it pretty well. 

Well, my ex started his life and got married, had kids (he has 4) but with differences in his marriage he just recently got divorced. Through out his whole marriage I respected his relationship as he respected mine. I knew his wife and we became friends and we still are friends. Of course I always felt like me and him had unfinished business... I always had these feelings for this man that never went away. I would get the butterflies when I would see him in the street, when I would talk to him.. just hearing his voice. Well a couple of months ago when I found out he was getting divorced we decided to meet somewhere to talk. We talked about our lives and it was very nice to see someone I always dreamed with since I have been with my husband. Someone I always wondered about how our relationship would have been... Ever since I saw him we started talking more. We tell each other everything, how we feel what we want from each other. He tells me things that I only dreamed he would say and to hear him say it breaks my heart more and more. I want to be with him but I am married and I am faithful to my husband. I am confused I'm depressed. I don't know which way to go. I know that if I tell my husband I am confused I can lose the best man in the world and I know that If I do not take this chance to be with the man of my dreams I might regret it all of my life. My husband and I do not have any children together (we have not been able to conceive) So I sometimes wonder if maybe I am not meant to be with my husband? Maybe he is great for someone else? I love my husband but am I in love with him? If I was in love with him then why do I want to be with my ex so bad. My ex has told me everything that I want to hear, he doesn't want to break my marriage either but we cannot help what we feel...

I dont know what to do anymore. I love my husband and I am falling in love with my dream man (my ex) I cannot take this frustration and depression I am feeling. I cry out of this frustration of feeling so much for someone I cannot be with because I love my husband. I want to just see my ex and be with him and get it out of the way because I am a strong believer that we only live once and if I do not do this now I will regret it for the rest of my life. I don't want to regret this opportunity and I do not want to hurt my husband. I am lost.. I have no idea what to do... any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NEWSFLASH....you are NOT faithful to your husband! Cut this relationship out NOW. The former bf is nothing but a fantasy you didnt get to finish, and you need to pull your head out of the clouds or out of your rear end or wherever it is, and focus on your HUSBAND.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

You're in an emotional affair. I've been there before in similar circumstances and I lost my marriage. I regret that deeply. After a lot of time passed I could see that the reality of being with the object of my obsession was just a fantasy. I caused my ex a lot of pain and I regret that everyday.

How will you feel about yourself if you break your husbands heart and leave him for another man? How will all your family look at you if you do that? How would you feel if your husband did that to you?

There is more to this than just running into your ex's arms and living happily ever after. It's a deceptive fantasy. You will experience pain, regret, and shame for years to come. You are responsible for your actions and the effects your actions have on others.

It will be hardest thing you ever do in your life, but going no contact with your ex is the best solution. Enjoy living in reality, not fantasy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your dream man is your ex?

You have it all wrong. But...you'll do what you do and then you'll believe us when we say it's just a facade. Your ex is not your dream man...your husband is.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So when you were 17 he was 22?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are having an emotional affair relationship with your ex. It's screwing with your marriage,

You should not be talking and seeing your ex, and now that he is getting divorced he is going to put the full court press on until you sleep with him.

Dump the ex hard and fast out of your life. If you don't you will very soon be physically cheating. You already are emotionally cheating on your husband.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I wish I could save you from the pain you will feel down the road. BUt, I can tell from your first post that you will not heed the advise of all the posters above who have been there. If you want any chance at happiness, you need to go absolutely no contact with your ex and devote yourself to your husband. If you can't do that then divorce your husband move into fantasy land with the EX and wait for the train wreck.

Good luck.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

You should stop and ask yourself if you are prepared to sacrifice one good man's heart 
and throw away 10 years for a WHAT IF...

If the answer is yes and you think it's worth it...
Then I hope you're prepared for everything that comes with that decision.

Good Luck


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Note to self; Remind my two single sons (ages 21 &24)
> 
> About rule #3
> If she was dumped, cheated on, starry eyed about an ex, or her dream guy, RUN LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!


There's a rule book on women? Where do I find this?


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

My personal opinion: The OP was an attempt to justify her EA and eventual PA. I notice there is no reply thus far.


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## imhopeless (Dec 18, 2012)

Confused, I'm begging you, don't do it. I deleted my recent post because it seemed like the level I had sunk to was too low even for this forum. 

But the pain you will feel down the road from cheating on your husband will be unbearable. I'm not saying you will sink to the level that I did, but in the end it's all cheating. The very fact that you are on this forum asking about this shows that you know what you are about to do will be destructive. PLEASE put your focus back on your husband and dedicate yourself to working on your marriage. I know it seems like your heart is pulled in another direction right now but you will regret it. Don't contact this man again.

You can't turn back the hands of time but you will wish you could.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

confusedbee said:


> All I did through out my relationship was stay friends with the ex and kept it casual as friends. My husband never found out and has still not found out till this day because I have hid it pretty well.


so you have been cheating on your husband for 10 years, i feel sorry for the guy....if you love him you will come clean, tell him what has happened, and cut all ties to the ex, and then pray he will forgive you, which will most likely take many years

if you do not love him, you will continue to cheat, the only difference is it will now be physical, not just emotional,

good luck, you need it


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## confusedbee (Dec 21, 2012)

1st I would like to thank everyone for their great advice.

I would like to clarify somethings that might have been misunderstood...

I was friends with the EX through out my marriage yes but it was only a hi and bye, how are you friendship. We never saw each other, flirted or anything. And we barley talked as I respected his marriage and he respected mine. This started happening about 3 months ago and obviously I know it is wrong which is why I have come to write this form.

As for my relationship with my husband I did not state our difficulties through out our marriage. I am not the bad one. I have also been hurt by my husband. a couple of years ago I found him hiding a face facebook page with girls he would talk and flirt with. I confronted him and all of the girls in the page and they said they never saw him just talked on the phone. Of course this was devastating to me and this might be why I am doing this as well. I know its wrong to do so. I know if I wanted to cheat I should just leave but I tried to leave and he didnt let me. We have a business together, a home and as many of you know these things are always hard to break. I do love him but I am just scared that I am not in love with him. If I was why am I doing this?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I tried to leave and he didnt let me.


Unless he had a gun to your head or something, this IMO is weak sauce. Didn't 'let' you leave? Right.

You can leave when you choose to. If you don't want to be with him anymore just go. He's not your dream according to you, so do him a favor.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

If you truly want to figure this out, sit back and think about the reason he is your ex. If he was truly your "dream man" then you would have been with him. Please STOP what you are doing know. Quit talking to him. You are conducting what is known as a EA. You are CHEATING EMOTIONALLY on your husband. Just the simple fact that he would leave you if he found out, tells you that you are doing something wrong.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

confusedbee said:


> 1st I would like to thank everyone for their great advice.
> 
> I would like to clarify somethings that might have been misunderstood...
> 
> ...


Thanks for clarifying a few things for us...

sooooooooo......

You say you're not the bad guy - your husband is the bad guy
You say you caught your husband hiding facebook girls
You say your husband is holding you prisoner and won't let you leave the marriage
You say your business and home are also keeping you in the marriage
You say your husband's behavior is driving you to your EX
You say you love your husband but you're scared you don't love your husband
You say if you loved your husband you wouldn't be chasing after your EX
You say you know that sneaking behind your husbands back is wrong

ooooooooooookay....
Why do I feel like I just listened in on a private conversation between you and your EX?
You listed all the things wrong with your husband and painted your EX as the knight in shining armor who will come and rescue you from that dreadful ogre of a husband. That's a pretty impressive checklist and it's almost complete. I would say you probably only need about one or two more excuses before you convince yourself to run off into the sunset with your EX.

You're already cheating on your husband... now you think if you tell yourself enough times what a horrible guy he is, that will give you the green light to take your cheating to the next level.

The problem is you are asking for advice from a group of people on this forum who have 
years and years of experience with what your doing. 

Been there, done that, got a t-shirt, wrote a book, made a movie, working on the sequel...

You're trying to con a bunch of ex-cons
You're trying to sell us a 1919 get out and push, but you're telling us it's a 2012 Ferrari, 
and we ain't buying it.

We've been to the puppet show and we've seen the strings.
You ain't fooling nobody lady...

Your not going to get the support your looking for here to destroy your marriage.
We are not going to tell you should run off with your EX
because you caught your husband hiding facebook girls
and that you're being held prisoner in a loveless marriage.
um...yeah right...of course...

We are going to tell you to drop the other guy
and that you and your husband both need to drag your dysfunctional butts into counseling.

The grass is not greener on the other side...
Whatever problems you have are going to follow you right out that door 
when you walk out on your husband.

How many forums have you hit today with this same question?
Either divorce your husband and run off with your prince charming 
or stay and put in the tough work to save you're marriage.
If you choose one of these at least your integrity and self-respect can stay intact

You need to stop making excuses and running away when life gets too hard. 
Nobody ever said that marriage was going to be easy, 
but if you both are willing to put in the work, it will be worth it.

Good Luck


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hunnie, you have a nice life. Nice husband, nice home & a business at only 27! Congratulations on all of your accomplishments thus far.

If you leave your husband, you also leave your nice lifestyle.

You will lose your nice home & most likely be stuck in a tiny apartment.

You will have to find a job because your business will be dissolved in a divorce.

Your ex will NOT be able to support you. He HAS 4 CHILDREN to support. You will get stuck paying for all of your dates which will be very few because he HAS 4 CHILDREN. His 4 CHILDREN probably won't like you because they love their Mommy.

As time goes by, you will not like being in 5th place on his list.

Be smart here. Remember this guy DUMPED you & married someone else & NOT just because you got married.

He's just not that into you.

He's still a bad boy. He is divorced with 4 children. He didn't try hard enough to keep his family together. He wants to have sex with a married woman.

He's a loser.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Thanks for the screenshots of reality Emerald and DD. 

Few people really stop to think about where the ripples go after throwing the rock into the lake.


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## confusedbee (Dec 21, 2012)

Thank you all so much.. this really is a reality check and I am glad I wrote my issues here and have great advice. Some a little harsh but I understand I am doing wrong. Thank you all a lot!


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

In the long run you will never fully enjoy yourself if you do what you know in your heart is wrong. You think missing an opportunity with the ex will be a regret. Doing what is wrong ends up being a deeper regret. You need to end all contact with your ex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

your recent posts reek of I'm not bad for cheating, my husband treated me badly that's why I cheated. It's all his fault.

I don' t think you mean that, but beware of thinking that way. Soon you will be filled with hatred of him and feeling you did a good thing by cheating and will be lead you to do it again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In your 1st post, you were singing your H's praises, basically nominating him for sainthood. A little later, you were saying that he wasn't so great after all, that he had done some hurtful things.

You are rewriting your marital history, trying to find a way to justify your feelings to the OM.

Soon, I fear, you will be back here telling us that he is the biggest a++hole you have ever known, and how you never really loved him and that he is standing in the way of your true happiness.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

To put it another way things that start off wrong usually end the same way they started.. Something to keep in mind.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

It is tough to get in all necessary information to give you a truly informed answer in the limited information we have on this issue. If you step back and see this from the other folks point of view, you have to see where they would want to kick you a little. They see a woman married to a good man that wants to trash it for a fantasy, obviously that would make no sense whatsoever.

Instead I will offer you this: End one relationship before you worry about starting another. If the other man had been Mr Perfect, why didn't you end up together? If he is so perfect, why is the other woman divorcing him? For whatever reason, you made a commitment to your current husband. I feel you owe him the respect to end this relationship before you start another. The ending is yours to write, but don't write a new chapter, until you finish this one. IF Mr Wonderful is as good as you believe, then he will wait.


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## malkuth (Dec 28, 2012)

well you can't be "friends" with your ex. and if it was all about hi and bye, you wouldn't know about his divorce or talk about it, meet etc.

you are not loyal to your husband. he thinks that he is with someone that loves him only and he is living a lie. 

what you are living is also a lie. you met the right guy too early, before you could understand what you want. 

I won't say stop seeing him. I will say stop feeling for him and feel for your husband instead. is it impossible? tell your husband and leave him. he will be very sad but will find someone else better. but you will soon see that you don't love your ex and find yourself alone with regrets. 

our comments or opinions will never change your feelings. I am so sorry for the things that you will live...


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