# My husband lacks motivation



## Jpinero2 (Mar 9, 2013)

Marriage is work. 50/50. Growing up my mom was a housewife and ran a business at home to make pocket money for herself. She was either running a daycare, raising foster children, or painting ceramics for sale. My father was hard worker who always had his own business with employees. In the other hand, my husband was raised in a broken home and with a step dad who never worked and mom who worked two jobs while trying to finish college.
My husband has been laid off for over a year. When I asked him when he is planning on working to bring in a little more income. He told me I need to work for a change. That blew my mind. I was upset, because I grew up believing everything should be 50/50 and I thought that is what we both wanted too in this marriage, but my husband's beliefs have changed. 
I don't know where things have gone wrong. I have to work to support our family. I have to go to school because I want a better career. I have to clean the house because who will? It's like I am in a deadlock. If he doesn't do his part I gotta do it too. I have turned into his mother. I'm not even his wife anymore, because we don't even have sex! He doesn't have respect for me and it makes me feel like he's a coward. I have threatened to kicked him out and it works but not for long. It's like this is what he wants. To be at disagreement all the time. The only reason I am staying is because we have a son together. If it wasn't for our little boy I would've been bailed. 
Since I am staying I'm trying to find solutions if there is any???


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

Don't despair. You have options. It's too late for me to share more now, but I will later today, when I am rested up.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I've been in this situation with my ex h. After 2 years I finally left. I also had a child was an infant when I left. There was no way in heck I'd raise a child where one parent was a bad example. My ex h never changed his ways. 19 years have passed and his wife works 3 jobs supporting them while he sleeps, plays and even cheats on her. 

Your h is following the footsteps of his childhood. There is nothing you can do to change him. He will only change for himself and if he sees this as a problem.

I personally think staying in a marriage solely for the children is not the best thing to do. This same cycle could repeat with your son as well.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

You're right, iminlove. Kids are not stupid. They know if their parents are not happy.


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

OP I understand your frustration with your husband. However, I would ask you to pause for a little reflection. It actually irritates me to see so often the term "marriage is 50/50". It is more true to say that marriage averages out to be 50/50. There are going to be plenty of times through out the course of your marriage where one of you drops the ball and the other picks up the slack.

I think the title of your post is actually pretty accurate: Your husband is currently lacking motivation. That's because long term unemployment can sap even the most confident man of motivation and cause fatigue and depression. (Which would effect your sex life, no doubt) In fact when the government puts out unemplyment numbers they have to try to factor in people who have simply given up finding a job (which sounds like your husband)

The position you are in is that it has been a year. Between state and local unemployment benefits you guys are close to running out since your husband has been unemployed for over year. (Which is probably another blow to your ego.)

I wouldn't recommend leaving your husband on the little info you have given us. I would enforce some realistic boundaries at home with him (he has the time after all). If you have time and energy you should probably help him in his job search as much as possible. Look for jobs, prepare his resume, set out his clothes for interviews etc etc. Look at it as being supportive of him, and try not to look at it as one more thing he is making you do. Even one interview can give a man the self-confidence needed to keep trying.

Good luck.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Fledgling that the whole idea of "marriage is 50/50" invites problems. I'd recommend a different plan, though, because if you're helping with the job search I think you'll get a lot of resentment instead of appreciation. 

If it was me in your shoes, here's what I would do: I'd assume he's a grown man with the full ability to find work. I'd stay constantly aware that if I left him, he'd have a job quick, fast, and in a hurry. I'd also remain aware that I bring value to the table and for that reason, he is likely to want to stay together as long as the terms are reasonable. Since expecting a man to work is reasonable, I *would* leave until he found a job and worked it for at least a couple of months and demonstrated that he was happy with it and planned to keep it. I'd let him know that I expect my man to be a man, and leave it up to him to figure out what that means.

What I would NOT do: Nag, argue, or compensate for his shortcomings (monetarily or any other way.)


----------



## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

run Forest... run.

(The son is not a reason to stay in a non-loving marriage).
Figure out if you really want to work on being married to this man for the rest of your life? Or work on a way to get yourself out. 

By the time you are ready to go.. then, maybe, just maybe, he will be willing to sit down & have a chat & you two can talk about what went wrong.

But... LONG before that. You've got to tell him you are not his mother & will not act like his mother, slave, or babysitter. He needs to either step up & take care of the house & his situation; or he gets a job.


----------



## Jpinero2 (Mar 9, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> OP I understand your frustration with your husband. However, I would ask you to pause for a little reflection. It actually irritates me to see so often the term "marriage is 50/50". It is more true to say that marriage averages out to be 50/50. There are going to be plenty of times through out the course of your marriage where one of you drops the ball and the other picks up the slack.
> 
> I think the title of your post is actually pretty accurate: Your husband is currently lacking motivation. That's because long term unemployment can sap even the most confident man of motivation and cause fatigue and depression. (Which would effect your sex life, no doubt) In fact when the government puts out unemplyment numbers they have to try to factor in people who have simply given up finding a job (which sounds like your husband)
> 
> ...


----------



## Jpinero2 (Mar 9, 2013)

Yes it is frustrating. I am trying to be as supportive as I can. When he began having mood swings I suggested therapy help understand the problems we have aren't road blocks, they just need to be understood. We've had the conversation where he needs to put out his resume so I revised it and helped type up his cover letter for several jobs. He actually got a interview for one today! I've been telling him this whole time that I understand if he doesn't motivated because our finances do suck right now. It is depressing and hard. The reason why I haven't jumped off a bridge yet is because I have to keep us together. 

After I posting last week, I compelled to sit with my husband and I told him how we have begun to disrespect each other. Turns out we have been doing it for sometime now without even noticing. We discussed our communication skills and how the arguing is leading into more and more "walking ways" instead of talking about it (essentially ignoring the issues). 

We came up with a plan together. That whenever we disagree on something and our voices start escalating we pull out the stop card (we took an Uno card and wrote "stop" on it ) whoever can pull it up and we have to think of why we are upset, take a breath, and begin talking again. It is working! There has been no "walking aways" so far and we have been able to get through this weekend happily.


----------



## HuggyBear (Aug 4, 2012)

I just have to ask... would you be satisfied (not happy) if your husband actually just walked out and picked up a job at a fast food place or a convenience store?

No, I didn't think you would, considering nanny/sitter would most likely cost more than that income. Not that it's a tough job market out there, or that the current glut of opportunities, foreign and more foreign aren't appealing.

I cringe the more and more I read about things like this because I used to hear from my own family about what they were forced to do during the 30s and 40s, before everyone was put more or less on an equal foot due to the depression and the war.

I guess people were morally and psychologically stronger back then, and that FAMILY was a term that meant a lot more, like two people working to keep stuff together.


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Jpinero2 said:


> Yes it is frustrating. I am trying to be as supportive as I can. When he began having mood swings I suggested therapy help understand the problems we have aren't road blocks, they just need to be understood. We've had the conversation where he needs to put out his resume so I revised it and helped type up his cover letter for several jobs. He actually got a interview for one today! I've been telling him this whole time that I understand if he doesn't motivated because our finances do suck right now. It is depressing and hard. The reason why I haven't jumped off a bridge yet is because I have to keep us together.
> 
> After I posting last week, I compelled to sit with my husband and I told him how we have begun to disrespect each other. Turns out we have been doing it for sometime now without even noticing. We discussed our communication skills and how the arguing is leading into more and more "walking ways" instead of talking about it (essentially ignoring the issues).
> 
> We came up with a plan together. That whenever we disagree on something and our voices start escalating we pull out the stop card (we took an Uno card and wrote "stop" on it ) whoever can pull it up and we have to think of why we are upset, take a breath, and begin talking again. It is working! There has been no "walking aways" so far and we have been able to get through this weekend happily.


 So glad I decided to check TAM this morning, This ^^^ is just awesome! Communication is great, keep the lines constant and flowing, but also learn how to speak each others language. I'm a big fan of the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs. In fact I just reread HNHN and it talks about his need for admiration and her need for financial support. It is hard when your need of financial support is not being met to give him what he needs which is praise and admiration. I would say that that it is easier for you to find something you truly appreciate about your husband than it is for him to conjur up a job. He has a interview he really needs you to build up his confidence. Tell him how awesome he looks when he gets ready. Tell him you know that he's going to knock'em dead. Let him know you have his back. His heart won't be in it if he feels like you don't believe in him.


----------



## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Jpinero2 said:


> Marriage is work. 50/50.


Perhaps you husband has taken on a "men going their own way" (MGTOW) attitude. It's a fringe men's movement, but it's gaining a following. "50/50" is a sore-point for this movement. From their standpoint, it means:


Men work full time and the money he earns is "our money"
If the wife works, but the money she earns is her money; she may contribute to the family finances, but what money she doesn't contribute is hers to do with as she wishes
Men continue to do 100% of the traditional men's chores (cutting the grass, taking out the garbage, auto and home maintenance, etc...)
Men do 50% of the traditional women's chores (cooking, vacuuming, laundry, childcare, etc...) 

I'm not saying that's what's going on in your family, but your husband's actions (as you describe them) are typical of what I've read about men that have fallen into this philosophy. And, just because that isn't the situation in your family, it doesn't mean that isn't what your husband believes in his mind.



> Growing up my mom was a housewife and ran a business at home to make pocket *money for herself*.


Fits right into MGTOW mindset. My earnings are our money, her earnings are her money. Before you say "this doesn't apply to us," consider that you have one attitude that clearly does.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

I am happy to hear that you and your husband are finding ways to improve your communication.

Having read your opening post again there is one point that I do not understand.
Why MUST it be the husband who is the main bread winner?
You say you are working so why not get him to become the main homemaker?

IMHO it does not matter who contributes what to the household as long as it runs smoothly and everyone does what they can.


----------



## Jpinero2 (Mar 9, 2013)

I think being in a different generation (born in the 80s) has a lot to do with how we view marriage. I am not a lady from the 30s or 40s so the great depression is not a factor here. I'm confused about what marriage means. I had this conversation with a friend who is also in a similar situation as I am. My parents are from a totally different time. My parents are from Puerto Rico and they were raised poor. My mother wasn't even raised by her mother she was given away to help clean working class people's houses and she barely got an education, she dropped out. My father worked in plantain fields and sold fruit on the side of highways to make money(keep in mind this was their childhood). When they were young adults they both moved to New York. My father opened a Fruit and Vegetables business and that's just what he has been doing since then. When I said my mother pocketed her own money during their marriage was because whatever my father made went back into the store or it was to buy what was needed if all the bills were paid. My mother's love for crafts was expensive, so they agreed she would have to sell what she makes to continuing doing it. 

In our time I believe the recession in the United States is a big factor to our financial strains. We moved from New York to California to pursue a better education regardless of not knowing anyone here. When my husband became laid off being a new place and having no one to turn to but each other might have created a big clash. We began disrespecting each other. I didn't understand at first what he was going through and he was acting so differently. When I would get upset about something like paperwork or crappy grade on an assignment he wasn't responding to me or wanting to make me feel better anymore. He was always so good at that. Eventually, I turned cold and started getting angry with him. From there on we were just always upset at each other. When nothing was changing between us and his doctors told me he was depressed, so I decided to put my feelings aside and I made it my wifey duty to help him. I couldn't see the man of my life, father of child just lost all the time. My husbands passion is funny comic strips. He draws them, without joy there is no funny. Our relationship changed completely. With him becoming depressed, the weight of the world was on my shoulders. It's been a* very* long year. I guess when I was upset "I said I'm only still with him for our son." It's not true. I believe in my husband everyday. If I didn't I would have not supported him. Everyday of his depression I tended to him by signing him up to therapy, speaking to his doctors, writing letters to him when we weren't talking to each other, making sure his clothes were clean, I got him an electric shaver, I encouraged him to cut his hair (he looked like a caveman), I even made date nights for us to get him out of the house, and when he would be in a good mood I would make simple errand lists for him to run, and slowly, but surely he has been breaking free from his depression. 

Now that he is recovering, we are still disrespecting each other and our life duties have switched. The 50/50 idea that I thought was working out for us is not. I guess its a lot of pressure for him right now. I'm trying to think of everything in a bigger picture. I fear become a single mom. I don't have anything against them, I have a close friend who is one, but its just not our situation. I have faith in the sanctity of marriage and I feel that our marriage is young (only married for 3 years) and that we can get through this.


----------



## Jpinero2 (Mar 9, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> So glad I decided to check TAM this morning, This ^^^ is just awesome! Communication is great, keep the lines constant and flowing, but also learn how to speak each others language. I'm a big fan of the Five Love Languages and His Needs Her Needs. In fact I just reread HNHN and it talks about his need for admiration and her need for financial support. It is hard when your need of financial support is not being met to give him what he needs which is praise and admiration. I would say that that it is easier for you to find something you truly appreciate about your husband than it is for him to conjur up a job. He has a interview he really needs you to build up his confidence. Tell him how awesome he looks when he gets ready. Tell him you know that he's going to knock'em dead. Let him know you have his back. His heart won't be in it if he feels like you don't believe in him.



Thanks, I've been wondering what I can read to get some insight. I'm glad I found this website. I will take the time to read those books. 

BTW he got the job


----------



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Jpinero2 said:


> Thanks, I've been wondering what I can read to get some insight. I'm glad I found this website. I will take the time to read those books.
> 
> BTW he got the job


:smthumbup: :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

I am so happy for you!

That's great! I can tell from your attitudes that you can work through this. Right now you are doing most of the heavy lifting, it's true. Just remember that someday you are going to need someone and chances are it'll be your husband going to bat for you. It sounds like he is really open to better communication and I predict that as your financial woes ease, you'll start seeing alot more of the guy you fell in love with.


----------

