# At a complete lost



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

Some of you may have heard this story before bc I was on TAM about a year ago and just joined again. Anyway, My husband and I have been together for almost 12 years. During those 12 years he cheated on me for about the first six off and on. Finally five years ago he got a sudden case of maturity and claims he stopped cheating bc he finally realized what was important. After that I still felt like I was taken for granted. For several years I found myself doing what ever it took to make him happy but what about my own happiness? He was a stay at home dad while I worked and at one point I even worked two jobs. As time passed things began to get stressful financially. There was always the false promise of him getting a great job just for him to show nothing. Finally I felt it was time for him to show and prove. I was on the internet one day and found this thing called a 180 list. Many of you may be familiar with it. However, the list has now backfired on me. It has now caused him to think that I am or have cheated on him and that I take him for granted. Now in a nut shell he's using the list on me and I don't even think he knows it. Without taking up too much time...the summary is, we got into a huge fight and he moved out. I love my husband to death and never intended for things to go this far. Now I don't know what to do. I am at a complete lost.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

The 180 is a way to detach from the other person. I know you say you love him but have you asked yourself why? He's a cheat, he doesn't work, he doesn't treat you well. I say leave him out of the house. If he returned it would be on your terms. I'm sorry you are here but this doesn't sound right at all.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The 180 didn't cause anything. The 180 is a tool for you to use to regain your sense of self. Who cares if he's doing it too? Shouldn't make a bit of difference to you if you're doing it right.

Cheaters are always the first to accuse their spouses of cheating. He's probably still doing it, just gotten better at hiding it.

Reread about the 180 and what it's meant for.

And as for him moving out, good riddance.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The 180 didn't cause anything. The 180 is a tool for you to use to regain your sense of self. Who cares if he's doing it too? Shouldn't make a bit of difference to you if you're doing it right.
> 
> Cheaters are always the first to accuse their spouses of cheating. He's probably still doing it, just gotten better at hiding it.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

There is so much more to tell and I wish I had time to tell it all. We have three beautiful children ages 10,5, and 2. I know I can't stay with him for the kids but it's so hard. I find myself thinking about him so much and missing him like crazy. He is being so cold towards me right now and it hurts. I know that I am not perfect but I don't deserve this at all. No one in this marriage is without fault but I can say that I have always been faithful to my husband. I did begin to go out with a few girl friends of mine to get away from the stress at home. He turned this around to be me going out with another man. We took a girls trip to Cedar Point in Ohio and while there we made it a road trip. We went to detroit to see motown and we also went to the hard core pawn shop from the show. Ont the way home we stopped at the football hall of fame because one of the girls is a die hard football fan. While there I called him and asked him his favorite football player and got him an autographed football from that player. He turns and says "why would a group of females go there...you were with a guy". I can't win! Everything I say is wrong and everything I do is wrong as well. We just moved into a beautiful home ( our dream home) and now that dream has been tarnished. I am now alone here with my kids. He says he needs time to work on himself, to better himself for us and the kids. I want to have faith that this will work out in the end but i am not so sure. Please do not judge me and call me silly or stupid, I'm just in love with my husband....is that a crime?


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

it's just so darn hard to give up and walk away......


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

love is blind they say but at some point you need to wake up and smell the coffee.

he has cheated for the first 6 years of marriage. he refuses to find a job. and he dosen't trust you. 

you sound like you haven't been happy with your marriage for a long time and you took action (the 180) to change the dynamics of your relationship. and hes bucking it the best he can. 

I don't think he going anywhere he sounds like he has it pretty darn good being married to you. But I suspect hes still cheating.

you say you love him ...what do you love about him? In my mind love should be recprical dose he show you love? do you feel loved by him?

I would start checking to see if hes cheating when some accuses you many times its because they are cheating. stick to your 180 and let him improve himself. which should entail him finding a job. where did he move to? hows he paying for his expences?


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

What do I love about him? I love the good times we had. He's an excellent father. Before this craziness started we were best friends. We did everything together. I didn't find out about the cheating during the first six years until afterwards. We worked through it and for years things were great...couldn't be better. Then I got not one but two promotions at work and things began to change. He became very insecure and even jealous. That started our downward spiral. Right now he is staying at his mother's. He now has not one but two jobs. I don't understand why it took all of this to light a fire under his a**. At first we agreed that someone needed to stay home for a lil while after we had our son who is two BC he was premature and sick. We agreed on him BC he had a job and I have a career. I made more money and had the benefits. After time I spoke to him about getting back to work but it's obvious he became comfortable. Not saying I had no part in anything BC I did. I also became comfortable with the fact that he was home with the kids so we didn't have to pay for child care. For a while it worked but then things went south. I'm not going to bash him and say he's a terrible person BC he's not. He has a lot of good in him. Over twelve years we have had more good times than bad. When I say he cheated for the first six years I don't mean consistently... not that it matters. There were three women during a six year period but no matter what one was too many. I find myself rambling all over the place right now.. lol. I guess only time will tell...like I mentioned he now has two jobs and claims to be bettering himself.....we shall see...way too soon to tell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hurting 1 said:


> What do I love about him? I love the good times we had. He's an excellent father. Before this craziness started we were best friends. We did everything together. I didn't find out about the cheating during the first six years until afterwards. We worked through it and for years things were great...couldn't be better. Then I got not one but two promotions at work and things began to change. He became very insecure and even jealous. That started our downward spiral. Right now he is staying at his mother's. He now has not one but two jobs. I don't understand why it took all of this to light a fire under his a**. At first we agreed that someone needed to stay home for a lil while after we had our son who is two BC he was premature and sick. We agreed on him BC he had a job and I have a career. I made more money and had the benefits. After time I spoke to him about getting back to work but it's obvious he became comfortable. Not saying I had no part in anything BC I did. I also became comfortable with the fact that he was home with the kids so we didn't have to pay for child care. For a while it worked but then things went south. I'm not going to bash him and say he's a terrible person BC he's not. He has a lot of good in him. Over twelve years we have had more good times than bad. When I say he cheated for the first six years I don't mean consistently... not that it matters. There were three women during a six year period but no matter what one was too many. I find myself rambling all over the place right now.. lol. I guess only time will tell...like I mentioned he now has two jobs and claims to be bettering himself.....we shall see...way too soon to tell.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


thanks for the update.

stick to your plan. its great that hes working and even better that hes so motivated that he has 2 jobs. let it play out and see where it goes.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, let me get this straight. He let you work, two jobs even, while he laid around the house all day. I'll bet you even did chores when you got home, right? He didn't marry you cos he loved you, cos he intended to cheat anyway, so you were just a convenience, or what he was expected to do, or maybe he just wanted some free sex whenever he wanted it.

And now, when you finally have had enough of him being a bum and dare to care about YOUR feelings, he gets all huffy and leaves you because you're too much trouble now. 

Sound about right?

Go get this book and read it: Codependent No More.


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

Yes..I did two jobs for about two months. I wanted some extra cash for Christmas. However..I must admit I never had to lift a finger as far as chores. He made sure the house was clean...kids were cared for...and all meals were cooked. Some people say...so what are you complaining about?? He was the perfect Mr. Mom but i needed him to help out financially. The stress of it all added tension to our home and our marriage. I also needed the lies to stop along with the insecurities...envy...and false accusations. I will check out that book however...thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of lies?


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

hurting 1 said:


> I did begin to go out with a few girl friends of mine to get away from the stress at home. He turned this around to be me going out with another man. We took a girls trip to Cedar Point in Ohio and while there we made it a road trip. We went to detroit to see motown and we also went to the hard core pawn shop from the show. Ont the way home we stopped at the football hall of fame because one of the girls is a die hard football fan. While there I called him and asked him his favorite football player and got him an autographed football from that player. He turns and says "why would a group of females go there...you were with a guy". I can't win!


Maybe the two of you should just sit down and have an honest conversation. Your husband posted this football story in the Men's Clubhouse here about a month ago (see "Been having my doubts for a longtime..") (and, of course, the usual crowd jumped all over it to tell him that you were definitely cheating on him). Time for you both to get off TAM, stop playing manipulative games, and just talk to each other. Sounds like you both want the same thing but for some reason are failing to communicate. Good luck!


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

If my H cheated on me for 6 years, I doubt I could ever forget that. I might be able to forgive him, but it would ruin those years in my memory and I leave out of self respect. 

Do you think he has any respect for you? He lied to you and he cheated on you in the past, but has he really changed at all? I'm guessing this is his personality and that is NOT going to change unless he really really wants it to. Sorry to say, but at best he is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ScrewedEverything said:


> Maybe the two of you should just sit down and have an honest conversation. Your husband posted this football story in the Men's Clubhouse here about a month ago (see "Been having my doubts for a longtime..") (and, of course, the usual crowd jumped all over it to tell him that you were definitely cheating on him). Time for you both to get off TAM, stop playing manipulative games, and just talk to each other. Sounds like you both want the same thing but for some reason are failing to communicate. Good luck!


 Interesting. He has an entirely different viewpoint. According to him, you've been having a MLC for the past year, stopped having sex with him, got contraception even though he's had a vasectomy and said you needed it for medical reasons (which he disputed). 

So what is the real truth? Yours, his, or somewhere in between?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the plot thickens!!!!!


comunication is key when everybody assumes they know whats going on all kind if things circle around and most of them are unfounded.


I say sit down and have are candid tallk about the future of your marriage. do you still want to be married or is it a marriage of convience?


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

turnera said:


> So what is the real truth? Yours, his, or somewhere in between?


These two threads should be required reading for everyone on TAM. They reinfoirce for me the importance of communication, otherwise two people living the exact same events can experience them in completely different ways and interpret the same things to have completely opposite meanings. You should never take for granted that your spouse knows what you are thinking or feeling.

It's also a cautionary tale for those of us who want to help by giving advice or affirmation. You really can't give helpful advice based on only one person's view of events or affirm a person's beliefs when there are always AT LEAST two interpreations of every situation and we are hearing only one.

For every fact in his story that she left out, there were just as many facts in her story that he left out. For example, he never mentioned his cheating history and, when discussing her complaints about his financial contributions, he never mentioned that he didn't work outside the home, he just said she made more money than he did. We all see what we want to see and say only what is important in our own minds.


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> Maybe the two of you should just sit down and have an honest conversation. Your husband posted this football story in the Men's Clubhouse here about a month ago (see "Been having my doubts for a longtime..") (and, of course, the usual crowd jumped all over it to tell him that you were definitely cheating on him). Time for you both to get off TAM, stop playing manipulative games, and just talk to each other. Sounds like you both want the same thing but for some reason are failing to communicate. Good luck!


Wow...I had no idea he was even on here. He must have seen the site on the history in the computer. Damn....I hope he hasn't read my thread. Thanks a ton. I did read the thread u just posted and it's all half truths...he didn't tell the whole story. I didn't get an IUD for cyst... I got it to stop heavy bleeding and cramping and I was warned that it could cause cyst. He's distorting the truth. The part about him calling some guy...no, he was calling my job where I was just promoted and could have cost me to get demoted. It was so far fetched that it just pissed me off. The people responding have no idea. It says he went and got two vars for my car...I hope he did so he can look and feel like an idiot when nothing is there. I am speechless right now...can't believe he's on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> These two threads should be required reading for everyone on TAM. They reinfoirce for me the importance of communication, otherwise two people living the exact same events can experience them in completely different ways and interpret the same things to have completely opposite meanings. You should never take for granted that your spouse knows what you are thinking or feeling.
> 
> It's also a cautionary tale for those of us who want to help by giving advice or affirmation. You really can't give helpful advice based on only one person's view of events or affirm a person's beliefs when there are always AT LEAST two interpreations of every situation and we are hearing only one.
> 
> For every fact in his story that she left out, there were just as many facts in her story that he left out. For example, he never mentioned his cheating history and, when discussing her complaints about his financial contributions, he never mentioned that he didn't work outside the home, he just said she made more money than he did. We all see what we want to see and say only what is important in our own minds.


I agree 100%...I always say that there are three sides to every story...his, hers and the truth. I was simply on here to vent. I had no idea he found out about this site. We obviously see things from two different angles but I had no idea how far fetched his angle was. To read some of the things he said about me that are so untrue really hurts. He talks about me working overtime.. he knows what I do for a living...I'm a police officer...we always have to work overtime...and he sees the extra money. I could go on for forever...right now I'm pissed and hurt all over again after reading that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> Interesting. He has an entirely different viewpoint. According to him, you've been having a MLC for the past year, stopped having sex with him, got contraception even though he's had a vasectomy and said you needed it for medical reasons (which he disputed).
> 
> So what is the real truth? Yours, his, or somewhere in between?


We did not stop having sex...we don't as often BC we never make time. We have three kids and hardly any help. I told him before.. how are supposed to have any alone time when I get off work at 12am and come home and the kids are still wide awake..or instead of spending time with me you are playing Xbox. It's never as simple as people make it seem when they tell a story. I got an IUD because I had very heavy bleeding during my cycle and severe cramps. I have always been on BC since I was 15 for this reason. My gyn advised me to get it BC I had it before and it helped... I took the last one out so that we could have another baby and he knows this. The doctor warned that it could cause my cyst to return but in the long run I felt it was worth the risk especially since I got cyst when it was out anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you considered the Depopravera shots? My DD22 takes them (once a quarter) and she has no periods at all.


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

I thought this was a safe place to vent but now I see I should have stayed off of here... I never expected him to find me on here or to find out about this site period. He's not even a blogger...he even hates to text so why would he join this...smh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> Have you considered the Depopravera shots? My DD22 takes them (once a quarter) and she has no periods at all.


I did but I was told they cause major weight gain and also my insurance doesn't cover it. The cost in the long run would have been much more. The IUD stops your cycle as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

Now a lot of things make sense. Things he would say to me and I'm thinking where would you get that from. As I read I see that it came from other posters. He just took the opinions of others and ran with it making things worse. They put all type of crap in his head instead of him thinking for himself. I have never taken advice from here as the final say...I come here and I vent. I read the advice but I don't follow it all BC some is good some is bad and some don't apply. 
As another person posted...please let this be a lesson to everyone...these sites can help but they can also hurt if you allow it to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Forums are notorious for convincing someone their spouse is cheating. That said, there's usually a reason for it.


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

hurting1, after you get over being shocked and pissed, take a second to think about his posts from the broader perspective. Whether the things he said are true or not, that's what he believes to be true and that's why he has acted the way he has acted. Now that you have a better picture of what's going on in his head, maybe you will be better equipped to address the problems head on. I believe it when you say that you really love and care for him still and clearly he still cares alot about you or he wouldn't be as upset as he is. Part of me also thinks that he posted on here hoping you would see it - sort of indirectly communicating to you what he, for some reason, is unable to communicate to you directly about the way he is feeling. Look at that as a positive sign: he is reaching out and wants to communicate. Hopefully you guys will be able to really talk, focus on that big picture, and rise above all of the other noise and misunderstandings together.


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> hurting1, after you get over being shocked and pissed, take a second to think about his posts from the broader perspective. Whether the things he said are true or not, that's what he believes to be true and that's why he has acted the way he has acted. Now that you have a better picture of what's going on in his head, maybe you will be better equipped to address the problems head on. I believe it when you say that you really love and care for him still and clearly he still cares alot about you or he wouldn't be as upset as he is. Part of me also thinks that he posted on here hoping you would see it - sort of indirectly communicating to you what he, for some reason, is unable to communicate to you directly about the way he is feeling. Look at that as a positive sign: he is reaching out and wants to communicate. Hopefully you guys will be able to really talk, focus on that big picture, and rise above all of the other noise and misunderstandings together.


I never looked at it like that. Often times I get so angry that I don't take time to think things out. I totally get where u are coming from....however...his post just makes me so angry BC he makes himself out to look so innocent and paints this picture if me like I'm this terrible wife when in fact he knows that's not the case. I didn't come on here bashing him at all..I pointed out his goods as well as his bands. We both made mistakes in this marriage... its not all on me like he makes it look...that's not right and it hurts that he would paint that type of picture of me for people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hurting 1 (Aug 29, 2013)

I am officially getting off of TAM...this was supposed to be my place to vent however I had no idea that my husband was on here. I no longer feel comfortable. Thanks to everyone for the advice...pray for me please!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hurting 1 said:


> I am officially getting off of TAM...this was supposed to be my place to vent however I had no idea that my husband was on here. I no longer feel comfortable. Thanks to everyone for the advice...pray for me please!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i think it was great to see how you guys view each other.

instead of acting all pi$$y and mad you should be grateful to have this incite about the dynamics of your marriage. use this info thoughtfully and fix your marriage instead of building walls and not trying to understand each other.

good luck and thanks for protecting us :smthumbup:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seriously, thanks for serving.

As for being on here, I hope you stay. Since you guys have such trouble communicating, maybe this will be a way to bridge that gap.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Why so pissed, this is an anonymous forum, the perfect place to air the good the bad and the ugly, or the distorted perspective!

The two of you should be in counseling. 

Hurting 1 you know the pain of infidelity, he is facing that now in his heart. I believe you that you are not cheating, but remember that he is Hurting 2.

Take care!


----------

