# Need a friend...



## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

How do people do this? I've been reading here for months. All the advice makes so much sense, but 7 months in, I feel I'm still at the starting point. What am I missing?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

You are not missing anything. There just comes a point were you have to choose you and start trying to move on. It is not easy by any means. There just comes a time where enough is enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DDGresham1 (Dec 15, 2012)

A couple of things helped me: 1)I've been through this once before...not on this level but it still hurt. 2) A friend went through this last year and gave me some good advice; You have to understand that the person you married is dead. They no longer exist. Someone has replaced them and they aren't coming back. It's time to move on and focus on the things you do have in your life that aren't your ex. Rip the bandaid off. It sucks but that's the only way to do it...basically just give up the idea that it will work out because it won't.


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I look forward to the future - peace, freedom, decorating my house, new friends and relationships.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Eventually, you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since we do not know your story, how can anyone really give you a meaningful answer?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Since we do not know your story, how can anyone really give you a meaningful answer?


I posted my story a couple days ago... think it was too long as I left it up for 2 days and no one responded. If it will help, I will repost it. I don't know how to make it short though.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

NotEz- if you're 7 months in and have been here for months then which concepts are you having trouble with?

Are you focusing on you?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

coachman said:


> NotEz- if you're 7 months in and have been here for months then which concepts are you having trouble with?
> 
> Are you focusing on you?


I've been trying. 7 months since the initial "blow up"... He moved out in September. HE thinks its "easier" to see the kids here, so he's at my house all the time. We text and/or talk every day. I waver between enjoying the time he's here because we have a great time... and telling him he should not be spending time here if he doesn't want his family. 

I've been focusing on me in that I'm seeing 2 therapists a week, but I have the kids all the time, so I can't say I'm doing anything to have a life.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Ok so what do you think you need to do for YOU to help your healing process?

Do you work? What does he mean by easier? Easier as opposed to what?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

I'll try do a quick background, but our situation is complicated.

-I'm 29, hes 36
-We've been together since 1998
-First daughter born 01/01/03
-Second daughter born 12/05/09
-He has sickle cell anemia
-He immigrated here when he was 13 under his fathers student visa.
-His parents moved when he started living with me (2000), stopped paying his tuition
-He wasn't allowed to work and couldn't pay his own, so he had no health care (and 3 hospital stays) or legal status for 2 years.. but he still worked to provide for us.
-We applied for permanent residency in Feb 2007, while he was recovering from his 2nd hip replacement.
-It was approved in July 2008
-Due date for 2nd daughter was Nov 26, 2009... same day he went into hospital with crises.
-I had our daughter December 5, released December 6... he was released December 11. 
-I took 5 months mat leave cause I had a really good job.. he was to take the rest.
-I went back to work May 2010... same month we moved back in with my parents because we couldn't afford my being off.
-In Oct 2010, he went into hospital with a crises. He was drugged up when I saw him the first 2 days, so waited till the 3rd day, picked up my two daughters (7 & 1) and brought him lunch. He wasn't there... nurses told me he had been moved to icu. Went there... they said he was transferred hospitals. Called the other hospital.. they were expecting him but he hadn't arrived. I took my kids home. 7 hours later, 9:30 at night... I get a call from a surgeon saying he went into kidney failure and transferred to the hospital with a dyalisis unit. He had emergency surgery and was resting. I went to see him the next day. He was still delirious due to the toxins and was tied to the bed. He wavered between not knowing who I was and yelling at me for leaving him there to die.
- He spent 1 month in hospital... a week into his stay his family came to see him and I found out their best friend (his uncle) was with him when this all happened, and didn't think to call me.
- He was released a month later and has been on permanent disability since.
- He shut down after that, and I felt useless.
- We moved into a new place last december... a place we probably shouldn't have.
- I was struggling really bad. Started crying on my way too and from work... hiding in my room etc.
- we had a fight in June and I told him to get out. He did.
- He came back a couple weeks later but said it was only for the kids... I kicked him out and he doesn't want to be with me.
- Just before our argument, I had made an appointment with a councillor and my doctor. Was put on antidepressants and have been in councilling since. 
- He says I couldn't handle his illness... thinks that we get along now, not because of the work I've done, but because "we aren't together".
- He spends his days here, wanted us to have our daughters birthday together... but goes home at the end of the night.

I have a hard time letting go of my going through so much with him while he couldn't do the same. I KNOW there is no use thinking that... but I still do. I have a hard time with his being here all the time and leaving at the end of the night. I waver between that being better than nothing or telling him to screw himself and be on his own. I have no idea what to do.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

coachman said:


> Ok so what do you think you need to do for YOU to help your healing process?
> 
> Do you work? What does he mean by easier? Easier as opposed to what?


Yes, I work. Its "easier" in that he doesn't drive. So to spend time with the kids during the week, would require him to pick them up and drop them off by bus (only 20 mins). So he'd rather take the bus to my house and spend time with them, then go to his house to do it.


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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

Well you're right, it is complicated and that's why you didn't get many replies. When there are medical issues like this it makes it tough to relate. 

It looks like you guys have been together since you were 15-16 years old. I would think this plays a pretty big role in seeing yourself break away from him. 

Just out of curiosity, what are your counselors suggesting?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotEZ,

Thanks for reposting the story. It's really helps.

Your situation is complicated. It not unusual for a couple to have such a hard time after all of those medical issues. Sounds like the two of you have been to hell and back.

Seems that you are not ready to make a decision yet. My impression is that a huge part of the problem is that you feel like you are being controlled by the circumstances. So you taking some control back could be very healing to you. 

You cannot change him. But you can change yourself and you can change how you interact with him.

The first thing to do would be to interact with him according to the 180 (see in my signature block below). The is so that you disengage enough to gain some peace. 

You can still let him visit the children. How many days a week does he visit them? could you cut it down by just one day? or Half a day? for right now?

The way things are he has no reason to come home and no reason to make a complete break. So over the next few weeks you could move thing into the direction you hope for. You might have to make him understand that he will lose you if he does not re-join the family. 

But for now make baby steps.. the 180 and limit his time with the children some.

The best way to communicate what you want to say to him is to write it down. This way you get everything out and you do not break the 180 face to face with him.

Just a few ideas you can consider.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

coachman said:


> Well you're right, it is complicated and that's why you didn't get many replies. When there are medical issues like this it makes it tough to relate.
> 
> It looks like you guys have been together since you were 15-16 years old. I would think this plays a pretty big role in seeing yourself break away from him.
> 
> Just out of curiosity, what are your counselors suggesting?


My councillor (one of them speciallizes in anger/depression and is about me only) believes he is suffering from depression too. She says that it is very common for those with life threatening illnesses. Not to mention his not being able to work, not being able to provide for his family, etc. 

I'm sure my depression didn't help... and to be honest, there were times when I would take my frustration out on him. I'm not in any way trying to portray myself as blameless. It was very hard. I wanted so badly to be there for him through his kidney failure, but he doesn't open up. It started to feel like I was a caretaker. He wouldn't let me deal with his feelings but I had to deal with the illness.. missing work for appointments, blood transfusions (thats been all along), etc. I fell apart this last year. I was struggling with making ends meet and frustrated at the whole situation... he was sitting at home all the time watching our youngest plus my sisters kids and couldn't help. He doesn't complain or mention anything ever, so I felt alone in my helplessness. I didn't see how helpless he felt as well until it was too late. 

I know there are so many people that would say, take this opportunity and run with it. It was ALOT to deal with, at a very young age. I try to look at it as a new chance at life, a real life, like everyone else lives. But, all I see is him and I'd rather live this hell with him then live a better life without him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he like to write? Might he be interested in writing about his illness and what he has been through? If so he could do a blog about it. It can be very healing to a person to do this. 


Then he can search the internet for others going through it and give them support. It might help him find an purpose.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does he like to write? Might he be interested in writing about his illness and what he has been through? If so he could do a blog about it. It can be very healing to a person to do this.
> 
> 
> Then he can search the internet for others going through it and give them support. It might help him find an purpose.


He won't. He doesn't complain, and thats what he would feel he was doing. The friends he has now are the same ones he had when we met. The only ones that know he is sick are those that I told back before our first daughter was born, when we were out with them all the time. I don't even know if any of them know about his dialysis except the one he was staying with when he first left. He likes to deal with this stuff alone... makes him feel strong, I guess.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> NotEZ,
> 
> Thanks for reposting the story. It's really helps.
> 
> ...


I missed this post when I first responded. He is here 3-4 times during the week and usually a night on the weekend (that is for me to go out, cause he watches my twins kids too). I told him that I no longer want him here, but to take the kids to his place. But then I need him for my councilling appointments. If I tell him I don't want him here anymore, he doesn't come. If I tell him to be here, he's here. I want him to understand why I don't want him to see the kids here, but still take the kids. After having this conversation with him on friday, I ended up with the flu on sunday. The kids followed on monday. I asked him why he didn't come to help knowing I was sick, he said because I told him I didn't want him here so what was he supposed to do? Common sense, isn't it? For someone who is here all the time?

When we talked the other night, I told him that I thought his being able to take his kids was the reason he got his own place. But it was weird that since September they've been there 3 times and he's been here every other day. I told him if there is something keeping him from having the kids at his place to tell me, but he should not be at mine.

He responded "My kids are the only thing that keep me living another day. Without them, I have no life to live. Don't ever tell me what they mean to me." OK?

He has the kids there now, since yesterday. For the past week, pretty much since this last convo, I've not been talking to him. Think this is what I have to do now... just don't know how too. I feel so much anger towards him leaving.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

And I did try the writing to him thing... it was responded to with "thanks".


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