# Once a cheater, always a cheater?



## TheGoodGuy

I recently hit up an old acquaintance from high school on Facebook. She looked single from all the things I could see, so I sent her a message. We got to talking and it turns out she was in a ten year marriage, got divorced, and was now in a new relationship. OK, moving on.. But wait there's more! It turns out she knew my ex-wife's first husband... In fact she cheated on her first husband with him in 2004 (she was married, he was not)! She freely brought this fact up, and followed it up with "...but that was so long ago." Wow, small world indeed.

Not that I'm interested in this one anymore, as there are too many ties to other people we know, but I wanted to poll my LAD friends. Do you feel like someone who cheated on their previous spouse is likely to do it again? As a BS, trust, honesty and integrity are MUST HAVES for any future relationship, so I feel like any previous cheating is a deal breaker. Thoughts from others?

**on a side note, thank you God for her telling me this and helping me dodge a bullet!**


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## Heidi2005

I think it depends. One answer doesn't fit... When I cheated on SBXH, I was young, dumb and stupid! That was over 10 years ago. That is not who I am and I would NEVER cheat again. SBXH has cheated three times in the course of our marriage. He has developed a pattern so I suspect he probably would have no problem cheating on his next wife/girlfriend.


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## arbitrator

*While I generally support the theory of "once a cheater, always a cheater," there are exceptions to each and every rule.

For the most part, cheating is much like a baby learning how to take his first steps: while somewhat awkward at first, it just becomes so much easier to do when that task is finally mastered!*


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## Cloaked

Think of it this way; you are interviewing her for a job at your company.

If you said to me:
In fact she committed fraud to her first company in 2004 (crippled it for many years and has never been the same)! She freely brought this fact up, and followed it up with "...but that was so long ago."*

I would be avidly opposed to you from hiring her. She has not served her time and shows she has done nothing to make it right. She would be a liability and possible destroy your company. It is best not to hire people like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat

Strange thing for her to admit. Even if she doesn't cheat again it would be very, very hard for someone to trust someone like her.


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## TheGoodGuy

Cloaked said:


> Think of it this way; you are interviewing her for a job at your company.
> 
> If you said to me:
> In fact she committed fraud to her first company in 2004 (crippled it for many years and has never been the same)! She freely brought this fact up, and followed it up with "...but that was so long ago."*
> 
> I would be avidly opposed to you from hiring her. She has not served her time and shows she has done nothing to make it right. She would be a liability and possible destroy your company. It is best not to hire people like that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed. Again this one is already off the radar, it just got me thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cloaked

TheGoodGuy said:


> Agreed. Again this one is already off the radar, it just got me thinking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is odd. It seems like she feels her infidelity is of little consequence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostViking

My first wife was a bar slvt basically, and was cheating on me before and after our wedding. I had the marriage annulled within three months. Two decades went by with no contact, and just last year she contacted me and we got reaquainted. 

I had never seen a person who had changed so much. She went through a few years of hell, jumping from one man to the next, until she got married in the mid 90s. Her second husband cheated on her and dumped her, and that experience really showed her how much cheating hurts the ones we profess to love.. 

This led her to really think about her life, her actions, the way she traded her body for attention from men. And that led her to getting some intense counseling for her issues. This counseling went on for years. She worked hard on herself, decided to improve her life, finished her Masters degree, and is now in a position of authority in a major East Coast company and making a very good living. 

We have reconnected, and have become friends again. She gave me the most heartfelt apology that a BS is ever likely to get. We now have a sort of long distance FWB relationship. Neither of us wants to remarry as we are both married to our careers; yet despite all the pain she caused me all those years ago, I can say that I am glad she is back in my life. 

I would say that in many cases cheaters never learn, but in a few cases they do, and they can truly redeem themselves if they really want to.


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## arbitrator

LostViking said:


> I would say that in many cases cheaters never learn, but in a few cases they do, and they can truly redeem themselves if they really want to.


*And as with most things in life, there are exceptions to every rule! I'm so glad that you are one them, Vike!*


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## ConanHub

LostViking said:


> My first wife was a bar slvt basically, and was cheating on me before and after our wedding. I had the marriage annulled within three months. Two decades went by with no contact, and just last year she contacted me and we got reaquainted.
> 
> I had never seen a person who had changed so much. She went through a few years of hell, jumping from one man to the next, until she got married in the mid 90s. Her second husband cheated on her and dumped her, and that experience really showed her how much cheating hurts the ones we profess to love..
> 
> This led her to really think about her life, her actions, the way she traded her body for attention from men. And that led her to getting some intense counseling for her issues. This counseling went on for years. She worked hard on herself, decided to improve her life, finished her Masters degree, and is now in a position of authority in a major East Coast company and making a very good living.
> 
> We have reconnected, and have become friends again. She gave me the most heartfelt apology that a BS is ever likely to get. We now have a sort of long distance FWB relationship. Neither of us wants to remarry as we are both married to our careers; yet despite all the pain she caused me all those years ago, I can say that I am glad she is back in my life.
> 
> I would say that in many cases cheaters never learn, but in a few cases they do, and they can truly redeem themselves if they really want to.


Great story! Thanks for sharing.


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## TheGoodGuy

arbitrator said:


> *And as with most things in life, there are exceptions to every rule! I'm so glad that you are one them, Vike!*


Me too, thanks for sharing Viking. I haven't talked to my first wife in a decade but we were married more than a few months. I don't know how I would feel if she came back after another 10 and wanted to apologize. It would be very weird
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

I cheated in my first marriage, and have not cheated since. Its a horrible thing to have to live with. That was 16 years ago.


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## bandit.45

3Xnocharm said:


> I cheated in my first marriage, and have not cheated since. Its a horrible thing to have to live with. That was 16 years ago.


You are one of those exceptions. 

Probably 50% of cheaters never feel remorse. Those types usually feel perfectly justified going outside the marriage to satisfy their lust.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Do you live in a small town? All these people know each other! Lol.

No, I don't believe if someone cheats in one relationship that they will in all other relationships. I think some may, but not everyone.


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## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> Do you live in a small town? All these people know each other! Lol.
> 
> No, I don't believe if someone cheats in one relationship that they will in all other relationships. I think some may, but not everyone.


*Me and my rich, skanky XW were married in and lived in one of the marquis historic homes in a small rural town; where gossip had the potential to run to the point that it was a seemingly more accurate source for news than was the National Enquirer. 

That is why her trysts were all done on "road trips." Now that's not exactly saying that she didn't somehow manage to slip someone between those sheets of our marriage bed with her at some point in time following my "banishment into her proposed trial separation," and no doubt under the cover of night, to further aid in dispelling the waggling tongues of small-town gossip, preeminently of course, to keep the bulk of her family as well as other local social dignitaries from ever finding out!*


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## EnjoliWoman

I think it would be the cavalier approach that would bother me most, not the act. I wouldn't expect for it to be acknowledged so fast. If, after a couple dates, someone revealed to me they cheated but went on to say what they learned from it - how devastating it was to, not just the spouse, but the whole family, etc. and then how both parties contributed to the dynamics of the relationship, and in retrospect how it should have been handled (i.e. counseling, communication, etc.) and then divorcing first, I would be OK with that. 

If they were off-handed about it, and felt they had no choice or the ex 'made' them do it... THAT would be a huge turnoff.


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## Fenix

Jellybeans said:


> Do you live in a small town? All these people know each other! Lol.
> 
> No, I don't believe if someone cheats in one relationship that they will in all other relationships. I think some may, but not everyone.


I would upgrade that to most will, but not everyone.


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## HelenPada

Something like this happened to me too. For me, it was very hard to let go, but I got advice from my astrologer and I got to the same conclusion.


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## Pamvhv

My husband cheated on the longterm GF he had before me.


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## poppyseed

Once a cheater, always a cheater?

I would say, "YES". People don't generally change much.

It's a massive red flag best not to ignore.


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## wtf2012

I think the better question is

Once selfish and entitled, always selfish and entitled?

Plus there a lot more "tells" for selfish and entitled behavior which are easy to pinpoint in day to day interactions.


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## poppyseed

wtf2012 said:


> Plus there a lot more "tells" for selfish and entitled behavior which are easy to pinpoint in day to day interactions.


I agree with you.

You may also pick up red flags from listening to his / her relationship history e.g. what happened to the previous relationships, who had left the relationship etc etc. Remember history tends to repeat itself.


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## zillard

TheGoodGuy said:


> Not that I'm interested in this one anymore, as there are too many ties to other people we know, but I wanted to poll my LAD friends. Do you feel like someone who cheated on their previous spouse is likely to do it again? As a BS, trust, honesty and integrity are MUST HAVES for any future relationship, so I feel like any previous cheating is a deal breaker. Thoughts from others?


We are creatures of habit. 
Cheating can be a miserable mistake. 
Or it can be an habitual one. 

People can learn from a mistake and grow. 
Habits are much harder to change. 

The context of your conversation with her likely will show you if she was cavalier about it, or just being honest. I don't shy from talking about my past mistakes, as I've held myself accountable for them, and used them to grow. 

Learning of previous cheating would send me running. But how it was conveyed would make some difference on how I perceive the person. I've generally found that people who shy from talking about their own mistakes and POS behavior, are still in the thick of it.


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## Bluebirdie

I agree it is not a general rule. I cheated as a revenge for my H cheating 20 years ago, regreted it for years and was horrible since I couldnt forget myself. I wasn't the one to decide if he deserved it or not. It turned against me for a long time and I was always trying to be more perfect wife to erase that mistake. Would do it again? NO! End of this year will be 2 years separated, going out with someone has not crossed my mind. A friend made a profile of me in an online dating site, I felt nausea. Deleted it. I need to get myself back in order first and then maybe, but things have an order. Back then I was a 20 year old wife with 2 kids already, feeling miserable and wanting revenge... stupid me; it turned back on me for sure. 

Not a rule definitively.


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## Wolf1974

TheGoodGuy said:


> I recently hit up an old acquaintance from high school on Facebook. She looked single from all the things I could see, so I sent her a message. We got to talking and it turns out she was in a ten year marriage, got divorced, and was now in a new relationship. OK, moving on.. But wait there's more! It turns out she knew my ex-wife's first husband... In fact she cheated on her first husband with him in 2004 (she was married, he was not)! She freely brought this fact up, and followed it up with "...but that was so long ago." Wow, small world indeed.
> 
> Not that I'm interested in this one anymore, as there are too many ties to other people we know, but I wanted to poll my LAD friends. Do you feel like someone who cheated on their previous spouse is likely to do it again? As a BS, trust, honesty and integrity are MUST HAVES for any future relationship, so I feel like any previous cheating is a deal breaker. Thoughts from others?
> 
> **on a side note, thank you God for her telling me this and helping me dodge a bullet!**


Yes I do. I saw it first hand with my x wife. Cheated on every relationship she was ever in. So my one hard and fast rule about dating is to never date someone that cheated in the past. And yes I have stuck to my guns and stopped seeing a woman's who admitted to cheating on one of the boyfriends in the past.

Does every cheater repeat? No I don't believe that. However I believe the majority of women who cheat are justifiers and will always justify what they did as ok. Those women are not someone I would take a chance on with my heart ever again. 100% no exception deal breaker for me.


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## Wolf1974

bandit.45 said:


> You are one of those exceptions.
> 
> Probably 50% of cheaters never feel remorse. Those types usually feel perfectly justified going outside the marriage to satisfy their lust.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's probably closer to 85-90% honestly. Only people I have ever hear of that regret affairs seem to be here on TAM


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## the guy

From what yu posted it sounds like the chick was bragging and hasn't a clue on how unhealthy this cheating crap is......my thinking is you dodged a bullit with this *one*.

As far as the thread goes I subscripe to the thinking that folks can fix them selves if they see they are broken.


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## happysnappy

People make mistakes. Never physically cheated but emotionally I did many years ago. Never again. I was young,dumb and very unhappy. I can look back and also see there is no excuse. In general I think this rule applies but agree there are exceptions to it. I would rather have someone be honest and up front and tell me why than to feel no remorse the key is did they learn from it?


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## clipclop2

When cheating is a coping mechanism there is a much higher chance that it will happen again REGARDLESS of how the initial cheating made the person feel. Remorse isn't defined by how the person feels. Remorse requires action.

Did they suffer any consequences? Come clean?

If not, I would err on the side of caution. You don't have to assume they will cheat again to decide they aren't worth the risk.


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## Lon

When I was first dating my ex W and it was starting to get serious, she was very ashamed and reluctant to tell me that she had cheated on a long term BF and had also been an OW to a married man (one which we both knew and worked with). She freely admitted this all to me on her own accord, and clearly felt shame.

I didn't learn until after we were married and divorced that shame is not the same as remorse.

I still believe a remorseful person can overcome their past mistakes and bad behaviours/choices. But I know enough to make sure to make the appropriate distinction.


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## clipclop2

Shame makes people want to hide and lie. It is a part of the problem not a part of the solution.


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## Rockyroad

"Once a cheater always a cheater" is a good rule to go by, but there are people that make mistakes.

My father made a mistake with this woman and cheated on my mother but, I don't think he ever meant to and I think he regretted all his life.

My Stxh however, is a different story. He was cheating on me since before we even got married... Has no remorse and thinks that by denying it, he can pretend it never happened! So there is difference.


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## clipclop2

At what part didn't he mean to? 

After, right?


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## COguy

I view cheating as a major flaw in character, it shows what a person could be capable of under the right circumstances. So in general I support the "once a cheater always a cheater" mantra, because someone that would betray trust and hurt their partner does not have the kind of regard for feelings that would be required to be in a successful long term relationship.

That being said, everyone CAN change, and if someone recognized their faults and used that as a springboard to make a change in their life, I would see it as something that could be moved on from.

"Oh that was so long ago" is not a valid excuse. Moral fiber doesn't change over time unless you work at it.


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## Cooper

I think people can make mistakes and learn from them...sometimes.

Personally I wouldn't become involved with someone who has cheated in the past. I think it takes someone with a character flaw to be able to have sex with someone and then go home to the spouse and kids, I just don't get it.


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## Hardtohandle

COguy said:


> I view cheating as a major flaw in character, it shows what a person could be capable of under the right circumstances. So in general I support the "once a cheater always a cheater" mantra, because someone that would betray trust and hurt their partner does not have the kind of regard for feelings that would be required to be in a successful long term relationship.
> 
> That being said, everyone CAN change, and if someone recognized their faults and used that as a springboard to make a change in their life, I would see it as something that could be moved on from.
> 
> "Oh that was so long ago" is not a valid excuse. Moral fiber doesn't change over time unless you work at it.


I agree with the that was so long ago comment.. 

I think if someone shows remorse and says something along the lines I was so stupid back then.. I've grown up and matured.. 

Then at least you can feel they might have learned from past mistakes and proceed with caution.

I felt the past predicts the future, Therapist tells me not true.. 

Current GF 20 years ago had many poor moral judgement calls. But she tells me that is what made her the person she is today.. She professes that she never cheated on her husband of 20 years despite his alcoholism. 

Being the people we are its a real tough call here.. We are just so shell shocked in many ways to cheating I don't think we can give a true, real answer sometimes..


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## Rockyroad

clipclop2 said:


> At what part didn't he mean to?
> 
> After, right?


He didn't mean to... The woman came on to him and he fell for it. I am not excusing him, I still think it was wrong, but at least he was remorseful. He took care of my mother financially and was always feeling bad for the whole thing. He seemed to feel guilty and it took him a while to really get involved with our family again. He was probably ashamed! Some men do have shame.


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## clipclop2

He meant to or else it wouldn't have happened.

It was a choice.


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## clipclop2

If a man can on to you and you had sex with him would it be because you didn't mean to? Would your husband forgive you? Try it and let me know.


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## SamuraiJack

I think each time cheating makes it progressively easier to cheat.
Someone casual like the girl mentioned I would avoid like the plague, but if someone relayed that they cheated once and it was awful I would probably give a shot.


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## muskrat

I think cheating shows flaws in a persons moral character and a lack of values. I do believe some people learn from this mistake and never repeat it. However I will not date or give my heart to someone who has cheated in the past. I refuse to take that risk.

My ex admitted she had cheated on a previous bf while we were dating. I broke up with her. She wrote me a long heartfelt letter saying that she was young and had made a mistake. She begged me to give her a chance to prove that she was not that "type" of person. I was stupid and gave her a chance. Fast forward 10 years and 2 kids later. She had a long term affair with my now former best friend. I guess she really is that "type" of person.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I will never allow myself to be with someone who has cheated again.


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## zillard

COguy said:


> I view cheating as a major flaw in character, it shows what a person could be capable of under the right circumstances.


I think we are all capable under the right circumstances. 

That's why boundaries and self regulation are so important. To avoid those circumstances and make good decisions when we can not. 

We all make terrible mistakes in life. After we do, if we continue on as before and do nothing to grow, it is very likely that we will repeat that behavior. 

If we own our sh!t and work on ourselves, become self aware, we can do things differently. 

This applies to cheaters, liars, addicts, thieves, etc, etc.


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## zillard

BUT, I'd say the majority of humans choose not to do the hard work. 

There are more addicts than recovering addicts, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hereinthemidwest

Feel the need to chime in. My ex-husband had 3 PA and 1 EA that I knew of. Final straw was my neighbor across the street from my son and I in 2009. Do I think people cheat again? Yes, if this situation is right. Some are born sneaky always going after that lust. 

But I celebrated karma this week TAM friends. I joined a on line dating site and the next day who was my match? My cheating ex-husband who still dates my neighbor. It said he had been on the site 3 days earlier. I smiled and thought about it awhile then I printed it out and put in her door. Then I put a posted note on it Glad I don’t have to **** sit any more. Karma is a *****. GOSH did it feel GOOD! :rofl:

Some people have no remorse they can’t be with one person. Not in there blood.


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## 3Xnocharm

hereinthemidwest said:


> Feel the need to chime in. My ex-husband had 3 PA and 1 EA that I knew of. Final straw was my neighbor across the street from my son and I in 2009. Do I think people cheat again? Yes, if this situation is right. Some are born sneaky always going after that lust.
> 
> But I celebrated karma this week TAM friends. I joined a on line dating site and the next day who was my match? My cheating ex-husband who still dates my neighbor. It said he had been on the site 3 days earlier. I smiled and thought about it awhile then I printed it out and put in her door. Then I put a posted note on it Glad I don’t have to **** sit any more. Karma is a *****. GOSH did it feel GOOD! :rofl:
> 
> Some people have no remorse they can’t be with one person. Not in there blood.


LOVE IT!! :rofl:


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## SevenYears

I agree with most people on here and will say that some people who cheat may not cheat again. But don't think that the only people that do cheat again are the ones that don't feel any guilt over what they did. 

You can feel guilty for doing something but still do it over and over again. You can feel terrible for hurting the person you cheated on and not want to hurt them again, yet still cheat on them again. 

Personally I wouldn't have a relationship with anyone who had previously cheated on a partner.


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