# online affair



## gids1 (Jul 3, 2010)

My wife and I were high school sweethearts and have been together since the early 90's. A couple of years ago thing got rocky and she was having multiple online affairs. Nothing physical, at least not that I know of. I have some depression issues and have been working on this for some time. Its a slow process but every year I am a little better. She blamed most of it on this. She has said she was not happy with her life and was going to leave.We talked and she decided to stay(under no pressure from me. I was mortified but was willing to let her go if that was what she wanted). 
Since then our relationship has improved greatly. I am working harder than ever on dealing with my own issues, and trying to make this a good home for her and my children. When we are together we laugh and get along. We have the usual standard fights but nothing too bad and we still enjoy the sexual parts of our relationship on a pretty regular basis. In other words our marraige is not perfect but it really isn't bad.
Then I did something I know was a little wrong. I first discovered her original online affair by accident. She left her email open. After that, once we had decided to keep trying, I admittedly was paranoid. I snooped into her email, texts etc. This, obviously, caused some huge fights. I told her that if she was going to be more honest with me I would stop snooping. And for a good long time, I did. Recently though there has been evidence that things are not what they seem. Lingere hidden under laundry piles. Falling asleep nude ( she hate sleeping that way normally out of fear our chilren will come in.).(( I probably should have mentioned this earlier, but I work nights 5 nights a week.)) Texts that she quickly shuts off and makes sure no body sees the screen etc. So the bad thing I did was I snooped. Sure enough I found evidence that she has been sending dirty pictures, and that the relationship(s?) are on again. If the ever ended. 

I love my wife. Our life isn't perfect and I have more than my fair share of faults but I really try to make this work. I have never been unfaithful and despite my shortcomings try to make her home life a happy place. I am not saying any problems we have are all her. I know better than to ever believe that. But she says she wants to make this work, but can't give up her secret life. I don't know what to do. Do I confront her, cause a meltdown, and loose my marriage? Do I suck it up and just be happy it's just online....for now? I don't think I can do that. Do I tell her calmly, aks for a divorce, let our 20 years together go, and just try for the next couple years to get over it? I am lost at this point and could use some honest advice.

Thanks


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Sounds like trouble. You have to talk to her about it. But when? You can get through this. You can start with a positive spin and see how that goes. Sort of the "I am so gald I married you. I want to make our marriage even better. Lets go to a weekend marriage get away." There are many around. This way you avoid the confrontation and let someone else help clear the air. Is you marriage worth a few hundred bucks. Get online now and atart checking.
Go to marriagebuilders.com and read, read and read. You need to learn about the love bank and love busters. Do not jump the gun. Give yourself a week with some education and training from the sensible people here before you think about your next move. Nothing sudden will happen unless you trigger it.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You know you have to confront her, but it sounds like you are concerned about her reaction to you snooping and the blowup that will erupt from that. Am I right? If so, it is common for someone in her position to cause a blowup when they get caught. She will rant and rave about you invading her privacy and all that garbage. But take her to the marriage builders website and show her what they recommend the injured spouse (you) is supposed to do. And show her how all of her ranting and raging is predicted and expected. She will see how wrong she is and will see how right you were to protect yourself and your marriage. Tell her how her behavior makes you feel and that she would not appreciate you doing such things behind her back. Your marriage should be an open book, not riddled with secrets and betrayals. Then, the two of you together study the love bank and understand together what the love kindlers and the love busters are. Also, (they are a fantastic source of help and information) study the emotional needs and each of you fill out the EN questionnaire. Explore their site for any other helpful information they offer, including how to overcome infidelity. 

In addition to that, you cannot assume the marriage is okay, good, or better just because it appears that way. You might be happier, but your wife may not be. This only means that despite your best efforts, and I know you mean well, you cannot know you are contributing to your wife's happiness unless you know what she needs from you. This is the reason communication is so important. Learn together how to communicate. Learn together how to listen to each other.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

C'mon gids1!!!..you know what she's doing:scratchhead:, it's past an EA...when the EA/PA fog takes over, that is when the slipping starts, confront her, tell her you will let everyone know (you must do this at this point), you're not the one who has to be ashamed of anything, she does


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## gids1 (Jul 3, 2010)

I know you are right, I have to confront her. Is the telling people a needed part og this though? It will destroy many of her friend ships and that I fear will drive her farther away. I know it may be the only way in the end, but is there any way to avoid it? What she did makes me angry, but I don't want to ruin her, or even hurt her for that matter. I just want to get the marriage on a better track.

I have started reading the marriage builders site and it is great. I know she will likely be resistant to that as well though.

Thats what makes this the hardest. She does put on such a good show of it. She really makes me feel loved sometimes, and she really acts like things are good, but they obviously are not. She does it I think mainly to avoid having to actually work twords a better life, and allow her to be unhappy, which gives her ammunition to feed her online friends. This of course causes them to give back pity, and caring words. Which is how she becomes close with these guys to begin with.

I really appreciate the advice I have recieved already. Mainly it feels good just to actually say these things to someone else instead of just putting on my best game face for the family and friends and getting through the day. Thank you.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Depending on whether you want a confrontation or a conversation, choose your approach carefully, as well as timing. I'd begin with,

"It's time we talked about your other relationships."

Good luck,

Lyn


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

I wouldn't show her the marriagebuilders as she won't csre. She is not rational. I did the exposure thing. It didn't have the affect I intended. However she believes she lost all her friends. Her relationship with OM and her son is under great stress. I didn't warn her what I was going to do. What do others think about giving a warning. I think if you warn her and she doesn't immediately agree then you should begain exposure, aking those closest to her to speak with her. (helping you is not expected but it sets the groundwork for the future.)


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## gids1 (Jul 3, 2010)

So I had a talk with her. I started by asking her if she really did want our marriage to work. I told her it was an honest and calm question and not a fight starter. She told me from day to day the answer changed, but that she was not ready to leave yet. So I went on and told her I knew about the online affair. She, of course started to get defensive. I tried to defuse this by giving her a choice. I told her she could just trust that I knew, and that yes I had "snooped" but that her atempts to put blame on me were a smoke screen and she was the one doing something wrong here. I said we could skip past all the you try to blame me, I dig out the proof, etc part and just avoid the argument, I knew what was going on and going down that road was just a fight. I said we should just skip ahead to what comes next. 

It had her a bit off guard and unsure what to do but she agreed.

I did end up telling her about the Marriage Builders site. I told her I want to give it a try and then told her briefly about what some of the concepts were. She admitted that she wasn't happy most of the time and that thats what these affairs were about trying to feel happy. She said that if I really thought this could build happiness, then out of fairness to the kids and to our friendship she would give it a shot.

Of course this was all just talk for now, the last two days have been pretty busy with holiday stuff. It is a promising start though, here's hoping.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

IMO..Happiness comes from within, it is not something that anyone can do or give you, I mean true happiness, some people depend on others for happiness or at least comfortness, I believe if a person is relying on their spouse for their happiness, there in for a let down, if we can be comfortable in our own skin then there is no need to seek outside influence for happiness, yes, maybe it's for the selfish reason of curiosity, thrill, or just self-indulgence, but then that person is taking a big risk of destroying the most important factor of all relationships..trust..


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## gids1 (Jul 3, 2010)

I agree 100%. Unfortunatly that isn't the way she sees life. We are part of a club for one of our hobbies (it's a rollplaying thing,D&D role playing not the sexual kind. We are kinda geeks). We have met people from all over the world through this club, and most of them are good and stable people, but many of them lead very different lives from us. In her eyes she sees these people she knows doing "interesting" things. Some are in open relationships. Some are heavy into the club scene. Most don't have kids and can come and go as they please. I am her husband and do not wish to have a polyamourous relationship, and don't wish to see my wife turn into an alcoholic, and we do have kids. So because of all of this she sees me as restraining her "fun" and "happiness". 

Just so everything is clear and people don't misread between the lines and assume the wrong thing, I am not the controlling type. I have been nudging her to go out with friends, try new hobbies, get out of the job she hates (even to the point of going through want ads and finding jobs that fit her intersts AND our monetary needs, that she of course never applies for) I have been very careful to not go to far as I don't want to be the one making these plans and becoming controlling by taking control of her life. But sadly that means she usually does nothing. And of course it is me she blames for the tedium of her life, (and the kids sometimes though she ends up feeling ashamed of it later) never herself.

Basically it seems to me she is going through a midlife crisis. But sice she doesn't have much drive, time or money to do anything about it she has an online affair and blames the lack of excitement in her life on me to any online male that will listen and give her sympathy. I have pointed this out to her (probably a mistake), and she has said that after taking a look at her life she is sure that is not the case. I guess we will just continue to disagree here until someone whos opinion she respects enough shows her otherwise.

I am still hopeful about the talk we had the other night, and I think that despie all of what I just said that she really is trying. (At least for the first few days, till it gets into some of the harder talks, after that we'll see) But I know it wil be an uphill climb, and I am already tired.


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