# why cant i move on???



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Saturday night, and I am crying my eyes out! The boys are at their dad's place. Yesterday when I dropped them off at his work...my husband looked so good. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him. I miss him so much. I miss us so much. As much as I tried not to....I started crying in front of him. He didnt say anything...only that we will see you on Sunday. Why does my heart continue to break like this? I have NEVER wanted something so bad in my life. I don't understand why he wont give our marriage another try. I am miserable. He is miserable. We werent this miserable together. I dont want to give up. I feel if I try to get on with my life without him....that essentially is giving up....I don't want that. I know there has got to be something I can do to make him work things out with us.....this can't be the end. I am beginning to think that my life will never be normal again. My new normal is crying on a daily basis over stupid things. I try not to....but the feelings just take over and I have no control....I hate this so much.


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## McFly (Jan 26, 2011)

My heart aches for you denise. I know what you mean... the feeling of powerlessness... of impotence... it's like a dream where you want to scream for your life but no sound comes out. I'm at that same place right now. The very same. 

I have the opposite problem though. I can't cry. I haven't shed a single tear for her. And I don't know why. I want to cry, I want to cry so very badly. I'd give everything up just to have 5 minutes of sobbing. But it won't come out. I wish I knew why. 

Try to be with people is the only advice I can give you. Be alone as little as possible. I'll send you all the good vibes I can, and want you to know I know exactly how you feel.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thank you McFly! This crying thing sucks just so you know!! Once it starts....it doesnt stop. Sending you good vibes as well!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

denise...i just want to give you a big hug ((((())))))) 
It is so hard to just say it's over and to move on. You know what i don't see anything wrong with trying until you know for sure it won't happen ,if you do think that things might turn around keep trying.I think there is a comfort in that too. 
Think of different strategies that might help you though,it's always good to have a plan.Try everything.That is what I'm doing at the moment. I want him to see and find a piece in me of that girl that he met 10 yrs ago.I know it's so hard when you're hurting so bad but you have to try and change the game a little.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

denise1218 said:


> Thank you McFly! This crying thing sucks just so you know!! Once it starts....it doesnt stop. Sending you good vibes as well!


the councilors have told me that a bloody good cry is good for the heart & body. Look, I know how you feel, I desperately do not want my marriage to be over, but it is not something I have control over, and the lack of control in this part of you life is very very hard to deal with, a big hug to you from across the ocean (got facebook, I'll send ya some hugs  (should ask forum admin ro add some hug icons 



vivea said:


> denise...i just want to give you a big hug ((((()))))))
> It is so hard to just say it's over and to move on. You know what i don't see anything wrong with trying until you know for sure it won't happen ,if you do think that things might turn around keep trying.I think there is a comfort in that too.
> Think of different strategies that might help you though,it's always good to have a plan.Try everything.That is what I'm doing at the moment. *I want him to see and find a piece in me of that girl that he met 10 yrs ago.*I know it's so hard when you're hurting so bad but you have to try and change the game a little.


Same here 

p.s I know this is annon forum, and facebook is far from annon, but if anyone wants to contact me via FB, pm me


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thanks Crankshaw!!


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## Marigold (Oct 29, 2010)

I totally understand what you are feeling......the tears, the pain and desperation....the same for me, it is so hard. 

Be kind to yourself, stop pressuring yourself to 'move on'....it's too soon, it will only happen with time, you can't 'make' it happen just like that. 

What you are feeling is natural and totally understandable, don't beat yourself up for feeling bad.....the fact that you are in so much pain is only testament to how much you value your loved ones and relationships.....only a very cold hearted person would not be suffering deeply in this situation. BIG HUGS


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hugs for you! It's hard. I know of nothing but TIME to soothe this pain. In the meantime surround yourself with loving family and friends.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Marigold said:


> Be kind to yourself, stop pressuring yourself to 'move on'....it's too soon, it will only happen with time, you can't 'make' it happen just like that.


:iagree: 110%


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm really sorry you are going through this, and I write the following to try to show you the "other side," b/c that is where I too live, like your h. 

As far as I can see it, the only thing that might conceivably make him someday "willing to try" is for you to move on and become a happier, better, different person from he one he was married to. And if you become that better person, you might not want HIM. 

Here's where I see the 'problem' of your perspective (from only my perspective, of course). You don't 'want' to try to move on, it isn't what you 'want,' and you weren't 'this miserable' together. This is all about you (which is ok, b/c what I'm about to say is all about him). You seem to have no understanding of how miserable he must have been. And yes, right now, even for him, things have gotten worse before they get better, but he's willing to let things get worse for a while b/c eventually they will, for him, be better than before. He is no longer willing to settle for what was, and if it means more pain before he gets somewhere better, he is willing to take that.

So, to have any chance at what you want, you have to quit wanting it. Does that make sense? It's kind of like that old saying, if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours and if it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with. The difference is, by committing to improving yourself and your life, you will find happiness whether or not he comes back. 

I don't know if this helps, but if it does, good. If not, just ignore me. Good luck and god bless.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thank you sisters for your advice! I just hate it cause I know he still loves me and I know I def. love him. That is the hardest part of letting go.... : (
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> As far as I can see it, the only thing that might conceivably make him someday "willing to try" is for you to move on and become a happier, better, different person from he one he was married to. And if you become that better person, you might not want HIM.


:iagree: Exactly! It hurts, I know but the feeling you'll get when you can do move on will be a release. You WILL feel good again! It took me 20 years to stop playing the self-blame game but finally I'm where I really want to be at, where I should've been at for years. 

You can't change your husband. You can't control him but you can change yourself and your situation. It's not easy, it might require outside help, such as counseling and I strongly recommend doing the things that DO make you happy, whether it's taking a shopping trip, working out, taking a vacation, reconnecting with old friends and family or just eating some tasty dessert.

Take the time that your husband is giving you by taking your kids and do something fun for yourself! At first it won't be easy but it DOES get easier. 

Take that first step and the rest of the journey will be better..


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

it took you 20 years to "get over" it??? I just hope I don't have this empty/lonely/broken hearted feeling for the rest of my life. At the moment...I am functioning. Best way to describe it. Going thru the motions but nothing else. Happy that you found the happiness that I am sure you deserved.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

denise1218 said:


> it took you 20 years to "get over" it??? I just hope I don't have this empty/lonely/broken hearted feeling for the rest of my life. At the moment...I am functioning. Best way to describe it. Going thru the motions but nothing else. Happy that you found the happiness that I am sure you deserved.


No, it's taken me 20 years to stop obsessing over pleasing my husband and trying to get him to love me for who and what I am.To stop hurting because of him. To stop cutting myself and blaming myself ..and hating myself. To stop allowing myself to be victimized and abused emotionally and to make a real effort to get control of myself and my life.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Thank you freak on a leash! When my husband left...I felt like the worst person you could imagine. He told me at one point that he didn't find me attractive....that one I am still trying to get past. I know in my heart I am a good person (at least that is what my friends tell me)....and I do want to find happiness not only within myself but outside myself as well. Hoping your positive outlook will rub off on me....


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

One day his crap will be just that..a load of crap. Then you will be free! It'll happen. 

Everyone makes mistakes. It's how you deal with and learn from those mistakes that counts. If you are a good person that's what counts. What counts more is that you believe you are! 

Go live your life and you'll find that eventually you won't want/need your husband in yours. But like anything that's worth waiting and working for..it takes time and effort. You will get there. :smthumbup:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I wish there was a 'like' button on this forum, so many posts that help.

Freak you're responses really spoke to me, and I thank you for sharing your story.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Freak you're responses really spoke to me, and I thank you for sharing your story.


 I tend to babble incessantly at times but if I can help in any way I am happy to do so!

Take it one step at a time. The first steps are the hardest..then it gets easier. 

The weekend is coming. Treat yourself to something nice. I plan to! :smthumbup:


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