# Can't believe I'm here....



## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

Hi. I've spent the majority of my day reading some of your stories, I'm so sorry that anyone has gone through this. I'm not positive I'm going through it but my husband seems to be a habitual liar. 

He tells little lies here and there, many lies of omission, we have discussed this many times over the years (13, 8 married, 3 kids). I have access to his email, FB account and can you usually get the cell phone (no password and it can be found alone). What concerns me is some of the lies (not necessarily about woman). I initially went crazy about 3 years ago, when pregnant, finding some young girl on his FB friend list that worked at the gym he went to. He said it was totally innocent, she would joke with him (I say flirt), and he added her. Iirc, not positive, I think he told me she friended him but I know for a fact it was the opposite (May have dreamt that up, I just don't recall for sure). He assured me he didn't know it would bug me and deleted her, I explained to him it was inappropriate for a married man to be friending some young single, club hoping, peroxide bathing, faking baking etc etc cca from the gym. He said he was clueless if she was flirting (still says this all the time... He oblivious he says). 

I periodically check his stuff not obsessing but I do check. Recently we we're taking about infidelity and that old subject came up... He said he no longer has any unknown girls etc and he even deleted gym ones. I wasn't asking him, I don't remember how exactly that came into the mix. Anyway, I got the urge to check yesterday, well, low and behold theirs a woman on there I don't know, that I can see from login into his account and checking relationship page that he's been friends with since sep. He even wished her happy bday a couple weeks ago.

So far as I can tell this woman lives on another continent, FB doesn't say if she's married or single... No significant other pictures though. Not sure how they met exactly but she appears to have been in at least 3 of the same countries my husband was over the summer for work (I'm sure he was there for work), similar time but I don't think exact... Idk. As I'm typing this out I'm feeling really stupid... Going of course he's done something your an idiot! I just don't know what to think, he knows how I feel about woman on FB, this has happened before, shouldn't he respect that? If I ask he will just say the same old... I didn't even think of it, it didn't occur to me etc. he will likely then say he will delete her. 

So what do you think? I haven't found any evidence ever just above friending on FB. He has been honest with me in the past... Just volunteered when he knew someone was hitting on him, he has told me I'm the only one he has ever slept with. He appears the doting husband, home on time, brings flowers, doesn't seem different to me? 

Part of what bothers me as that when we got married, I was the "hot" one iykwim. After first child came he got the bug to get heathy, for his kids. He is still a workout freak, I'm not and I'm not bad looking but well what do you think after 3 kids? He's gotten sexier since we married, he's in great shape. Part of me thinks my suspicion is driven by my own insecurities and demons trying to convince me I'm not good enough and he will eventually find someone else. But then I still wonder. He's a great catch.. Good looking, educated, makes good money. All the things that those OW find attractive, I guess I have a hard time believing he doesn't have woman throwing themselves at him.

Anyways, I've rambled on and on. Feels good to say it all and I hope someone will have some ideas for me.... I can't keep living with the constant fear of him messing around.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Ongoing affairs usually are characterized by frequent communication, either facebook, text, email, and guarding of the phone, deleting messages, not sharing passwords - in other words, secrecy.

Gut feelings also usually are correct, but in my opinion, your case for him cheating still is pretty thin. If anything, I would guess one-night stands over a continuing affair.

I would guess he actually met the facebook woman who was in some of the same countries as him over the summer. What is the history of their facebook friendship? He added her in September and communicated directly with her only once, to wish her happy birthday?

Keep watching, stop saying anything, and if he is cheating, he probably will screw up and you'll catch him. After a month, if you see no other clues, have a talk with him about what you are and are not comfortable with. Tell him you want him to let you know every time he adds a woman to facebook because you feel that you both should know each other's "friends," facebook and otherwise. Of course, you should also offer to do the same.

You say that you keep catching him in lies - what kinds of lies? Can you give some examples?


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## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

Thank you for your response. I don't *think* he would cheat but there again... Most people don't think their spouse would. If something happened I want to know. There's been no other communication, but he could have deleted messages... Or maybe he talks to her through his work email? I have no access to that, he hasn't set up home access, he works in an industry with very high security, I have no way to check. 

Lies... Well he lent a considerable amount of money to a friend, he asked me I said don't. He did it anyway... I knew he had sent it before he actually admitted... Lied about actual date he sent. He knows I've been pissed about it ever since. Money had loan end date, guy was clearly not intending to repay on time. I even dropped we can do xyz when a pays us etc, trying to get him to admit it. He took over a month to tell me. Even then he was honest about when etc. like I catch him in stuff that he knows I have access to yet still lies? He knows I have access but maybe doesn't think I check? That was major, typically it's small. He and guys at work play soccer a certain day of the week... After seeing his car parked at the gym, I asked him what he had done for lunch, he lied and said he was at soccer... I didn't let on. One day he ended up at the gym and he had brought the kids... I could tell by his behaviour he was intending to go (going to a part of town I knew he would only go there for the gym) yet he wouldn't admit it. When he gets home he said he went to the gym. It's typically white lies, he does it so often I'm clouded those are just a couple I can think of.

In the interest if pure transparently. I do have male friends in FB however all of them are people I went all the way through school with or are family. One was an x but has close family ties and I even asked him before I friended him (or he me... Don't recall), he said he was fine with it. This guy lives really far away, I wouldn't be hooking up with him. I'm ok with him having females... Family, people he went to school with etc. it's meeting new, usually goodlooking ones who appear unattached that I have an issue with, is that fair of me? Is it appropriate for him to have these types of friends? Why would maintaining a friendship with this woman in FB be more important to him than his wife's feelings?

I guess I just have a hard time trusting him after all the lies. He always just claims stupid and forgetful or completely denies. I'm sure if he's cheating he will eventually screw up, I'm just not sure how I would catch something that happened in another country.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sometimes the cheating is with an ex or an old flame from school.

It is hard to tell, but he is not giving all the signs, but what do I know?

If you put yourself in his shoes, I would be concerned about the ex and the old high school friends. 

Sometimes the stories can make one crazy about cheating. I am not saying you or anyone is crazy, but all the stories can make my view not as clear.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

It's hard to say but there may be something fishy about the gym since he pretends he's elsewhere and he friended a girl on Facebook from there. The other Facebook woman? From what you said he possibly met her on his travels. So yes they could have had a fling and now they occasionally talk to each other on Facebook. It's always suspicious when a spouse has a secret friend.

There may be nothing going on but you do have a very serious problem in your marriage. *Your spouse lies to you. *it's simply UNACCEPTABLE! You are having to be constantly vigilant. That's no way to live, it's like torture.

You will never have peace of mind and you are feeling even more insecure because he is handsome and in good shape. 

It's time to stand up for yourself. Do not put up with it a moment longer and be very firm with him.

I think the only way to solve it is in the presence of a third party as he is not taking you seriously since you have brought it up with him before. Insist that he goes to a counsellor with you, one who works with liars. He can sit there and listen in detail to the pain he puts you through. You haven't given him consequences up to now so he keeps doing it. And more importantly why is he doing it.

Also it is said that there is always a reason for lying. 

No wonder you are suspicious. 

My opinion only. Take care.


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## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

Thank you, that exactly how I feel... Like he lies and there small but for all the small ones how many big things am I unaware of? It makes me question. I have said it to myself for years but it's time to start keeping a list of lies and go through with MC. I'm going to try and do some snooping.

The girl at the gym he no longer would have direct contact with as we have moved countries. I had explained to him if he was friends enough to have her in FB why had he never told me about her before. He just said iirc he didn't feel it important to mention every woman he comes in contact with and that he wasn't really friends it was nothing etc. said he was sorry for adding her and could see what I was feeling but at that moment didn't think I would be bothered by it. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm nuts with all this and it's all innocent then I take a step back like last night when I posted and think wake up... Your not fabricating this!

A friend asked me if I trusted him and I said I don't but to be fair I don't think I trust anyone or ever could, it's just not in my being to totally trust. To me totally and utter trust without question would be reckless. So then I go back to its me and my issues. I don't know what to think anymore.

Say he did have a fling on a trip, I don't know how I could prove that? Unless they talk about it and I happen to see it? I will be doing some ****hing. There was a couple days he didn't call me. He was in a country that was dangerous and is actually somewhat known for the cheap sex. It bugged me he didn't call and I think (just a hunch) he met this girl there on that trip.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Lies and lies:

There appears to be a new breed of married men and women in which the mentality is that of a married person who acts like a single person.

In the past, befriending an attractive single woman would be considered a marital breech, but now more and more people appear to be open and accepting of this behavior. 

IMO, and I am not alone in that thinking, a person who is of the "married single" mentality is someone who may not be cheating at first, but who will eventually cheat. 

Acting like a married single is not good for any marriage 

By married single, I mean engages in lots of activities without the spouse, particularly girl's or boy's nights out at bars, or trips with friends rather than the spouse. 

Also, having lots of hobbies that never include the spouse. This is ripe grounds for meeting someone who shares and interest. 

It starts out as innocent friendship and progresses to an affair.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

trusting your husband would be foolish, if he is lying and hiding things he is not respecting your marriage with boundaries a marriage should have.
I would consider putting a voice activated recorder in his car so you can monitor what is going on when you are not around.
watch him for a while don't say anything and see what you see.
if he is in an affair it thrives on secrecy and lies.
Gaslighting is a big part as well where he makes you feel like you are crazy ........jealous it's all part of it..
If you find nothing you will know at least........
don't confront him don't tell him......it is your right as his wife to know what is happening to your life and the way your husband treats his marriage.
your gut is telling you something......we have all been there before until you know all the facts you can't do anything.
Until then meet all his emotional needs and be a loving wife.


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## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Lies and lies:
> 
> There appears to be a new breed of married men and women in which the mentality is that of a married person who acts like a single person.
> 
> ...



Exactly, he has the gym and it bugs me. He knows this and says I can come anytime with him but only now am I partially in a position where I have the time to go as all kids are in school 3 and 5 days a week. However he typically goes early am but I think would change for me. He acts like a married single in the sense of he's had at least a few female friends that are single and good looking and typically great shape. After 3 kids my body is wrecked and it hurts emotionally to look at myself. I also think talking to these woman, befriending etc is walking on very dangerous ground and an affair is inevidable. There are woman out there who are gold diggers and love the thrill of bagging a married man... I see he would be a great target for these types and he's just naive enought to get into a position like that and not realize it until it's crossed over to a new level. I just don't think its appropriate for him to be talking to these single woman unless it's entirely in passing, there shouldn't be a conversation to a point that we are now friending on FB.

He doesn't go to bars or even drink for that matter and I can't say he comes home late or at least when he does my gut isn't telling me he's lying about have to work a bit late. He doesn't act like a married single in that regard just these friendships and the only way I have known is from FB.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Liesandlies said:


> Exactly, he has the gym and it bugs me. He knows this and says I can come anytime with him but only now am I partially in a position where I have the time to go as all kids are in school 3 and 5 days a week. However he typically goes early am but I think would change for me. He acts like a married single in the sense of he's had at least a few female friends that are single and good looking and typically great shape. After 3 kids my body is wrecked and it hurts emotionally to look at myself. I also think talking to these woman, befriending etc is walking on very dangerous ground and an affair is inevidable. There are woman out there who are gold diggers and love the thrill of bagging a married man... I see he would be a great target for these types and he's just naive enought to get into a position like that and not realize it until it's crossed over to a new level. I just don't think its appropriate for him to be talking to these single woman unless it's entirely in passing, there shouldn't be a conversation to a point that we are now friending on FB.
> 
> He doesn't go to bars or even drink for that matter and I can't say he comes home late or at least when he does my gut isn't telling me he's lying about have to work a bit late. He doesn't act like a married single in that regard just these friendships and the only way I have known is from FB.


Listen,
He needs to respect your marital boundaries, obviously he is using FB as a place to talk to anyone he comes into contact with, not that he is hiding that fact from you. This is a red flag but it only makes him dumb, not a cheater.
You do come across as terribly insecure though. time to start taking care of yourself. Nothing attractive about someone who projects their insecurities on those around them. I have to imagine he is tired of it. I know I would be. The FB issue needs to be put to rest. He needs to respect you, but I warn he will stop trying to please you, if you just come up with more ways to project your insecurity on him. He also needs to know how you feel about yourself so he can make you feel better. He has invited you to the gym with him. time to get off your tush and go. You automatically assume he is comparing you to the hot gym girls, mostly b/c that is what you are doing to yourself. I bet he wants you to stop being so insecure and join him and be healthy with him. I bet he would very much enjoy showing off his wife at the gym. You just do not believe that is true. He is persecuted for how you feel about yourself not how he actually feels about you. You both need to work on validating one another better, boundaries need to be defined and respected, with real consequences if not adhered to. 
best of luck, get to the gym with him as often as possible. I think that will help you two tremendously.


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## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> Listen,
> He needs to respect your marital boundaries, obviously he is using FB as a place to talk to anyone he comes into contact with, not that he is hiding that fact from you. This is a red flag but it only makes him dumb, not a cheater.
> You do come across as terribly insecure though. time to start taking care of yourself. Nothing attractive about someone who projects their insecurities on those around them. I have to imagine he is tired of it. I know I would be. The FB issue needs to be put to rest. He needs to respect you, but I warn he will stop trying to please you, if you just come up with more ways to project your insecurity on him. He also needs to know how you feel about yourself so he can make you feel better. He has invited you to the gym with him. time to get off your tush and go. You automatically assume he is comparing you to the hot gym girls, mostly b/c that is what you are doing to yourself. I bet he wants you to stop being so insecure and join him and be healthy with him. I bet he would very much enjoy showing off his wife at the gym. You just do not believe that is true. He is persecuted for how you feel about yourself not how he actually feels about you. You both need to work on validating one another better, boundaries need to be defined and respected, with real consequences if not adhered to.
> best of luck, get to the gym with him as often as possible. I think that will help you two tremendously.


Your right, and I know this isn't healthy. I hate what I have become. I feel sometimes I've been pushed here into this place by the lies etc, not all his fault but partially yes. I often don't confront right away as I am a the type to stew or I don't want to reveal I check up in him and know the truth. When I have mentioned the lying he says he doesn't lie to me yet I have had the proof in the past at least. He knows my insecurities yet still is friending. I think I will go talk to him at lunch or wait until tonight when the kids go down... I won't discuss this in front of them. I'll let you know what he says when I ask him who this is and where he met her and at what point my feelings took a backseat.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

Do you think it's possible your own insecurities are making you look for reasons to think he's cheating or lying? I mean, he sounds like he's being the perfect husband. You have all his passwords (aside from his e-mail at work - and if he's working at a joint with high security I can imagine his work e-mails are constantly monitored), he's home on time, he's a doting husband/father... I don't know. I know a lot of people on the board want to instantly jump on the "CHEATER" bandwagon, but I'm a little more hesitant.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Liesandlies said:


> Your right, and I know this isn't healthy. I hate what I have become. I feel sometimes I've been pushed here into this place by the lies etc, not all his fault but partially yes. I often don't confront right away as I am a the type to stew or I don't want to reveal I check up in him and know the truth. When I have mentioned the lying he says he doesn't lie to me yet I have had the proof in the past at least. He knows my insecurities yet still is friending. I think I will go talk to him at lunch or wait until tonight when the kids go down... I won't discuss this in front of them. I'll let you know what he says when I ask him who this is and where he met her and at what point my feelings took a backseat.


try and write down today what you know. what lies, what communications you two have had about these things, what changes or respect has been shown, what has been repeated and hurts more each time. 
Then write down how you feel about yourself, your body, how you think he sees physically. What he does to make you feel this way. What you are doing about these feelings to better yourself.
Get a good idea on a couple pieces of paper. This is more than one thing, it is a puzzle with many pieces and if you both have the pieces laid out on the table there is a much better chance to solve it. 
Wishing the best for you and your H! You can do this.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If he's aware of your lack-of-trust in anyone/anything he may perpetrate these 'white lies' to avoid possible suspicions and confrontations with you. Do you think that's possible. Because IMO your post doesn't raise any immediate red flags for this casual observer. 

How is he with the kids? Has intimacy between the two of you dropped off significantly lately? Compared to your early years, is he as affectionate to you. You said he brings flowers on occasion - is that to apologize for a recent fight or is it a token of affection?

I wouldn't VAR his car or undertake extraordinary precautions at this juncture. But do keep your eyes open. 

How does he deal with his family of origin? Is he assertive with them? Have you talked to his mom/dad/siblings about his upbringing? Perhaps telling fibs has always been part of his nature.


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## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

Since his last trip we haven't had that much sex but we do go through dryer times if you will. Since the trip there was the first occasion that all kids were in school... I told him to come home for a nooner. He didn't show until after I texted him asking why he never came and he says he got busy with work and lost track of time/forgot. He did come home immediately. Over the last year or two, it seems sex has changed, like he's learned new things iykwim. He definitely has more sex drive than I do but most men probably do have more than their wives and considering how I feel about myself that's not shocking either. 

I think his mother is incapable of love she's not nurturing at all. He is pretty passive with his family rarely says anything to them if there's something to be said. Great with our kids, brings flowers just because.

I don't know what my gut tells me, sometimes I feel he's hiding things then other times I feel it's me and my hang ups looking for evidence. Who knows, maybe a little of both.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Liesandlies said:


> Since his last trip we haven't had that much sex but we do go through dryer times if you will. Since the trip there was the first occasion that all kids were in school... I told him to come home for a nooner. He didn't show until after I texted him asking why he never came and he says he got busy with work and lost track of time/forgot. He did come home immediately. Over the last year or two, it seems sex has changed, like he's learned new things iykwim. He definitely has more sex drive than I do but most men probably do have more than their wives and considering how I feel about myself that's not shocking either.
> 
> I think his mother is incapable of love she's not nurturing at all. He is pretty passive with his family rarely says anything to them if there's something to be said. Great with our kids, brings flowers just because.
> 
> I don't know what my gut tells me, sometimes I feel he's hiding things then other times I feel it's me and my hang ups looking for evidence. Who knows, maybe a little of both.


If my wife had learned new things, I would ask about it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Liesandlies said:


> ...I told him to come home for a nooner. He didn't show until after I texted him asking why he never came and he says he got busy with work and lost track of time/forgot.


When did you ask him for the nooner? The same day? If so, he could have had appts and scheduled meetings on his plate. I wouldn't be too concerned about this at all. Not right now anyway.



Liesandlies said:


> ...Over the last year or two, it seems sex has changed, like he's learned new things iykwim.


Yeah, this is a possible red flag - the only one AFAICT



Liesandlies said:


> He definitely has more sex drive than I do but most men probably do have more than their wives and considering how I feel about myself that's not shocking either.


With 3 kids it's understandable that your drive may not be what it once was! Don't sweat this - but be sure you two can schedule a little 'alone time' for you as a couple where sex can occur. You should also consider contacting an individual counselor (IC) to get to the root of your seeming low self-esteem. You seem to feel that your H's sex rank has increased while your has decreased during the marriage and it's causing you some resentment. You need to address this issue. 

In cases of infidelity the wayward spouse (WS) can engender these feelings on their partner but as I said, it doesn't appear to be the case here. 




Liesandlies said:


> I think his mother is incapable of love she's not nurturing at all. He is pretty passive with his family rarely says anything to them if there's something to be said.


Well, I'm no psychologist so bear that in mind - but his mom's demeanor and attitude could be a reason for him to be a 'pleaser' thus the flowers and fibs to make him appealing to important people in his life. What do you think? He could probably benefit from a few sessions with an IC himself. 



Liesandlies said:


> I don't know what my gut tells me, sometimes I feel he's hiding things then other times I feel it's me and my hang ups looking for evidence. Who knows, maybe a little of both.


Have you two ever been to marriage counseling? Have you two read books promoting self-sufficiency in marriage? 

Remember that your kids watch the interactions between the two of you. They shouldn't learn that fibs are acceptable and that mistrust is par for the course in relationships.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Liesandlies:

I haven't read all the responses so I apologize if I am repeating offered advice. 

My advice is to make time to go to the health club with him. He has invited you. Get a sitter and go. 

It will also make you feel good about yourself, too. You will get back into shape and working out lifts your spirits and confidence. 

He wants you to go. So go. 

I agree with you about the gold diggers. There are a lot of women out there who don't want to contribute anything to helping a man be successful. They simply want to step in once he is already making money. 

Also, put your girl game on by dressing well when you go to the health club with him. Buy some new workout cloths and wear workout proof makeup. Do it even if it's not in your nature or you think it's silly to wear makeup to workout. They manufacture work out makeup because lots of women buy it. 



Liesandlies said:


> Exactly, he has the gym and it bugs me. He knows this and says I can come anytime with him but only now am I partially in a position where I have the time to go as all kids are in school 3 and 5 days a week. However he typically goes early am but I think would change for me. He acts like a married single in the sense of he's had at least a few female friends that are single and good looking and typically great shape. After 3 kids my body is wrecked and it hurts emotionally to look at myself. I also think talking to these woman, befriending etc is walking on very dangerous ground and an affair is inevidable. There are woman out there who are gold diggers and love the thrill of bagging a married man... I see he would be a great target for these types and he's just naive enought to get into a position like that and not realize it until it's crossed over to a new level. I just don't think its appropriate for him to be talking to these single woman unless it's entirely in passing, there shouldn't be a conversation to a point that we are now friending on FB.
> 
> He doesn't go to bars or even drink for that matter and I can't say he comes home late or at least when he does my gut isn't telling me he's lying about have to work a bit late. He doesn't act like a married single in that regard just these friendships and the only way I have known is from FB.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't get a tingling sensation on your hubby. But I would suggest this. Take this into account, I have been burned big time by FB and my wife. I would have one shared FB account. This is what my wife and I have done. We took mine and just added her to it. She was using hers for cheating. That way either of you can check at any time. 

Also, as suggested, go to the gym with your hubby. 

The lying about the money. Big deal, yep. Marriage buster, nope. 

By the sounds of things you guys are in the rut stage of the marriage. 

I have a feeling that there are intimacy issues that might need to be addressed. You both kind of walk on eggshells around certain issues.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I opened my first post to you with "It's hard to say" because as others said there aren't definite red flags. In a later post you mentioned the change in sex. It is a sign if sex gets less, more or new techniques. Sex can be feast and famine for couples though. I don't want too jump on the "cheater" bandwagon prematurely either.

You are insecure as you said. Someone else said insecurity is not attractive. It isn't. Confidence is. But a lying spouse would be make anyone insecure. I see the lying as the root problem here. 

I would not confront him about possible affairs now. You need evidence. At MC talk about his lies in general and refer only in passing to his lady friends if at all. The *lying* is the problem so don't open with "I think you are having an affair." 

He was being slightly condescending when he said he didn't feel as if he had to tell you about every woman he comes in contact with. But he may feel hounded by you as well so I think for now perhaps lay off telling him about your suspicions. Married couples should know about each others friends. I suppose it isn't necessary for him to mention every FB friend if you have access. FB is a breeding ground for EA so keep an eye on it. 

I would get that body of yours into shape. I had 3 kids too. Do what I did and I researched it thoroughly. Get yourself a good quality exercise bike as it can be hard to go to the gym with kids. Best way to lose weight is to to do HIIT, high intensity interval training. For 20 mins cycle *as fast as you can like a maniac!* for 8 seconds, then cruise very slowly for 12 seconds, then fast again for 8 seconds etc. There is an iPhone app (best one is "Interval Timer, Timing for HIIT Training") so that you can play your music and it will beep every 8 and the 12 seconds. The 20 mins goes by so quickly, far more so than a half hour jog which is what I do too. The endorphins released, nature's antidepressants, will greatly help you. 

I would also snoop. Go to the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/50563-anyone-interested-evidence-gathering-thread.htmlHis credit card bills when he was away might tell you something. You said it was odd he didn't contact you for 2 days so check the credit card bill for those dates. He was distracted with something but there may be another explanation. Check his cellphone records for any number you don't know that he calls often, particularly afterhours. You can put your phone on private and call it to see if it's a man or a woman. Don't say anything and just hang up. Someone suggested a VAR in his car. DON'T GET CAUGHT. If you do find something NEVER disclose how you found out, even after you make up etc.

You must pay attention to your gut instinct. There are so many BS on here who say "I had a feeling there was something up" or "something didn't feel right". I think it's because we know our spouse better than anyone and we can detect even small changes if they are consistent. So you are doing the right thing by exploring it. 

Try to get those things in place especially getting your self-confidence back. There is a lot of wisdom on here and as you can see from the posts so far you will get a balanced view. Use it as a sounding board. Don't confront unless you have proper evidence, a 'soft' confront is counterproductive. Regard this as a project you are taking on and give it your all. 

He does sound as if he is otherwise a good partner so you have a lot to work with. But the lying MUST stop.


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## Liesandlies (Oct 24, 2013)

Thanks for all of your insight everyone. I'm still not sure what to do with it. I haven't said anything and I'm not sure if I'll start to try and dig, it's hard to explain but I am pretty limited with what I can do in terms if cell phones and credit cards. I'm not sure I'm ready to go full tilt with a VAR. At the same time I'm curious and of course I'm really dying to know who this new friend is and how they met. If there is something there he isn't going to tell me the truth without me knowing for certain. I think I need to ponder my next move for a bit and see.


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