# I want a baby he doesn't...



## RayRey

Sorry if this is long!

I should give a little background before I get into my issue. I have been married for almost 10 years to a wonderful man. He is older than me, I am 29 he is 46. He has two kids from his first marriage Girl, 20 and boy 17. I have no kids of my own. The boy lives with us. One of my younger brothers lives with us also. He is 18. Both the boys are due to graduate HS this summer and both plan to go off to college. 

So here is my issue. I have been talking to hubby about a baby off and on for the past 3 or 4 years. (we also talked before marriage and he was ok with it) I am getting to a point in my life where I feel like I/we are ready. But whenever I bring it up hubby either ignores me and changes the subject or gets mad and says that he doesn't want another kid. I asked him why one day and he said that he doesn't want to have a kid just to put it in daycare and that he doesn't know if we are financially stable. Also, I was having a health issue (thyroid) Well we are pretty much financially stable now since getting most of our debts paid off and I am with a company now where I can work part time if I wanted. I have gotten my health issue under control and have even started to loose weight. I brought this up to him a while back and he just said he didn't want to talk about it. So I dropped it.

Well then everyone around me it seemed was getting preggers. My sister-in-law. a good friend. girl at work. So I told him I would drop it until after they had their babies because (and this is going to sound selfish, i know ) I wanted to be pregnant by myself. Sooo now everyone is getting ready to have their babies and I want to bring up the subject again but I am afraid too. 

He has talked to his kids and I have too and they are both ok with having another brother or sister. I talked to them about it because I have two much younger brothers (20 and 26 years apart from me) and wanted to give them my perspective on it, and I love them dearly even though they are in a whole other country from me! (another story)

So anyway should I bring it up again? even with the fear of being shot down? or should I just bite my tongue and see if he says anything. Other than this one issue our marriage is very stable and happy. 

Sorry this got long!!
Laura


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## onlylonelyone

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be pregnant seperately than your family and friends. It is a very selfish moment in a womans life : ) My husband is 46 and I am nine years younger than him so I think I can give you a pretty good idea what he is thinking, lol. I too fleetingly thought I wanted another baby recently, and my husband would go along with it in a heartbeat, but......The more we talked about it, we saw my husband would be nearly 70 years old when our child would graduate, and that scared the both of us. That alone scared us out of the whole re-consideration, lol. We both had our children at young ages and were able to play ball, ride bikes, camp, vacation, etc....and really do everything our kids could do. Not that you shouldn't have a baby, but I think your husband is probably concerned about alot of things along the line of his age, and the type of Dad he could actually be to a baby at this time in his life. I also realized that there are alot less guarantees that either of us would live past 70-80 and we would have a 20 yr old child with way older siblings and no parents. It just kind of made me sad to think my child would go through all that so early in life. We decided no out of fear, which is not my normal route of going, but I had to be realistic. I can tell you it hasn't talked me out of wanting to foster an older child that needs a family though, and that may happen for us somewhere down the road : ) Sorry if I'm not much help, just thought I could maybe give you an idea what he may be thinking.


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## mommieof3

Hello RayRey;

I am in your same boat as well. I want a baby and my husband doesn't. The difference is that I have three children by a previous marriage and so does he. My husband and I talked about having another baby before we got married and he agreed to have one later down the line, and now we are almost 7 years later he does not want one and wont talk about it at all. Even if I bring it up he shuts down and really wont talk to me for days sometime a week or two. So I know how you feel. I think that maybe you should bring it up again and try talking about how you feel about it. Maybe he will listen. I am sorry that you are going through this. I know that it really does not make you feel good. But keep your head up and hang in there. Also my husband and I have an age gap of 8 years.


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## zwilson50

I am going to offer a dissenting opinion on this. First off, you should be able to talk to your significant other about anything. That is why you got married. But what if you talk about it and he still doesn't want one??? What then? Bug him until he gives in? Both parties should be on board if you decide to make a child.

He probably doesn't want to be a father raising a child until he is 65. You had to have know that the age gab between you two would cause an issue like this. You aren't that much older than his children. 

My point is that a man/woman shouldn't have to give in to making a child with their partner to apease the other. This might be one of the trade-offs to marrying a much older man.


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## justean

I think you have to get over the fear, it wil eat u up inside regardless .
Fact here, if he is adamant he wants no more children, you wil always want them. In life you wil either sacrifice that right to be a mother for your husband, or as hard as this sounds, you move on.
I feel in your thread that he placed you in a very selfish position on his behalf,offering you children b 4 you married and when you married its not time etc. He wil give you many excuses and at the same time he also has a right, as he has got older his priorites in life have changed and this is normal to.

It might only be one issue. But this one issue is a very big deal for you.
And one i think you might regret if you sacrifice this one issue for his needs.


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## GAsoccerman

so you married him when you were 19 and he was 36?? WOW.

This is to be expected he has 2 kids already with his first wife, he is done and doesn't want anymore.

I am 39 and I am DONE, DONE DONE...my wife 38 and the mother of my 3 children, is done as well.

I feel for you honey, you are in a bad spot, but you chose this man to be your husband. 

If you have a kid then you do, if you don't then not much you can do.

Sorry honey.


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## marina72

I agree with both the above posters. It's a hard pill to swallow.

the age difference means that you will always be at different places as far as kids, and anything else goes. Not that it's a bad thing, my hubby is ten years older than me, but we both wanted a baby, and we had one.

This man told you 10 years ago before you got married, that he wanted kid, and 10 years go by, and now , he doesn't.

Well, if it's a huge issue for you, and I can understand why it is, I mean you're a young woman, and want to experience the amazing wonder that is pregnancy, and the birth of a beautiful baby.

So, you'll have to decide if this is something you will give up, to be with this man. You probly won't change his mind. And even though I think it was kind of a dirty trick he played on you, telling you he wanted kids with you, and then changing that once you were married, it is what it is at this point in time.

If you want to talk to him about it, then I'd just sit him down, and tell him how you feel. You shouldn't ever have to be afraid of talking to your spouse, and telling them how you truly feel.

If he can't handle it, well, that's kind of his problem. He helped create this issue in your marriage by telling you he wanted kids, and then changing his mind.

In the end though, you'll have to decide if this is a big enough dream, and issue, to either make you want to stay , or find someone younger that wants kids too.

If he wont' give in, then you will have to make a decision. And , if he's not totally on board about a baby, it may be that he's not baby material at this point in his life. And if he has a baby just for you, then it might result in even more problems down the line.

You have a tough choice to make. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
The call , and drive to become a Mother, is in most all women, and is so very strong, it's a hard thing to ignore, and a hard dream to give up.
Update us if you can....


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## selfish

I am 31 years old. I have two children with my ex-husband. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. He doesn't have any children, and is 2 years younger than I am. We have been living together for over almost 2 years, and he is a father-figure in my children's lives. 
There was one scare where I thought I was pregnant and he was up for it at that point. Being just a 'scare', nothing came of it. Since turning 31, and my son is now in high school - I've been starting to panic a bit. I do want a baby with him. I love him so much, and would do anything for him. My biggest fear is that he will change his mind when it's too late for me to have children. i want one NOW, he says he does not want anymore. 
He has been helping me with raising my two children (their father is in their lives, but only every other weekend). He is there for them everyday, and says "We have two children already". I can appreciate that he thinks of my children as his own, but I'd like to have another one. One with the person I'm madly in love with and will be spending the rest of my life with. 

We actually got in a fight about it last night and he said "if you want children, and i don't, we should break up anyways". We haven't really spoken since. I want to talk to him, but I'm so afraid he will break up with me because of it. If I had to choose between having another child or staying with him, I would stay with him; but I need for him to let this kind of a decision be made by BOTH OF US. Not just him. It's been over 24 hours since we spoke, even living in the same house and thanksgiving dinner with his family, nothing more than a 'bless you' has been said 

I hate this, and I don't know how to deal with this.


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## COGypsy

selfish said:


> We actually got in a fight about it last night and he said "if you want children, and i don't, we should break up anyways". We haven't really spoken since. I want to talk to him, but I'm so afraid he will break up with me because of it. If I had to choose between having another child or staying with him, I would stay with him; *but I need for him to let this kind of a decision be made by BOTH OF US.* Not just him. It's been over 24 hours since we spoke, even living in the same house and thanksgiving dinner with his family, nothing more than a 'bless you' has been said
> 
> I hate this, and I don't know how to deal with this.


I have to disagree with you on this. _Having_ a child isn't a decision for both of you. People either want one (or want more) or they don't and it's not really an issue for compromise. It's not fair to have a baby that one parent doesn't want, for whatever reason that may be. 

It's one thing to be on-board with something that's happened and you can't change, but another entirely when you're planning for it. Did he want to try for another baby after you had your "scare" or was he just okay with whatever happened when that was going on? That's probably the most telling thing....

I heard it put best on a radio advice show once, "in a marriage, whoever wants the least kids wins". It's unfortunate, but really, how do you compromise on something like this? It's a lifetime commitment and if he's sure he doesn't want to make that commitment, what exactly do you have on your side that will convince him otherwise? You can't have half a baby. You can't have one part-time. It's not a dog where you can swear up and down that you'll feed it and walk it and pick up the poop. It's an expensive and time-consuming commitment that you both have to be all-in for or else it just breeds resentment all around.


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## FirstYearDown

zwilson50 said:


> I am going to offer a dissenting opinion on this. First off, you should be able to talk to your significant other about anything. That is why you got married. But what if you talk about it and he still doesn't want one??? What then? Bug him until he gives in? Both parties should be on board if you decide to make a child.
> 
> He probably doesn't want to be a father raising a child until he is 65. You had to have know that the age gab between you two would cause an issue like this. You aren't that much older than his children.
> 
> My point is that a man/woman shouldn't have to give in to making a child with their partner to apease the other. This might be one of the trade-offs to marrying a much older man.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: The husband has obviously been there and done that.

My husband is 8 years my senior, but at least we agree on not having any babies. He was lucky to find a woman that does not want children, especially a younger one.:smthumbup:


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## curly

So Glad I have found this forum and know I am not alone. i split up with partner nearly 2 weeks ago because he has now decided he doesnt want anymore children. I am 29 and he is 41. He has 3 children and I have none. From the beginning we discussed having children in the future and he has always told me that he would have one in the future with me. He recently found out his 20 year old daughter is pregnant and turned up to my house in between Christmas and New Year and said it changes everything and that he cant have any more kids. Everything was perfect between us and this came as a shock to me. We have split but I miss him so much. I just dont know what to do at all. I am upset all the time.


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## readyforbaby76

I just started a new thread about this same topic....why do so many guys NOT want kids? what are they afraid of?


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## FirstYearDown

Men are afraid of the costs of being a parent, along with the sexual difficulties which often come with raising babies and small children.

They do not want to be second; most new mommies forget that they are wives.


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## PBear

FirstYearDown said:


> Men are afraid of the costs of being a parent, along with the sexual difficulties which often come with raising babies and small children.
> 
> They do not want to be second; most new mommies forget that they are wives.


I think it's this, but also the changes they'll need to make to their own lives to adjust. No more sleeping in on Saturday mornings, evenings spent driving kids to sports events, financial sacrifices... Speaking as a guy who had himself snipped, and is glad of it as he starts seeing someone new.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown

I wish that people would seriously consider the upheaval that having kids can bring, way before a baby comes. It is not all sunshine and rainbows; couples become very disillusioned when they realize just how hard it is.

Scannerguard once posted his issues with being a parent. Most members jumped on him for his honest words, but I applauded his bravery and candor. While there are obvious joys of having children it is verboten to breathe a word of regret for taking the parenthood path.

My best friend is pregnant for the second time. She already has a seven month old baby with her lazy boyfriend.  Bestie has not announced this pregnancy the way she did with the first; she is secretly terrified and unhappy that she is preggo again.

My mother is jealous that we are a childfree couple. I say this because she often speaks wistfully about all the extra money and time we have, because we do not have children.  She had four and hated every minute of it.


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