# stbx needs parenting classes



## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Hi I am new here. I have a 6 yr old son, my husband filed for divorce in april. a little background, My stbx and i never wanted children we were married for 4 yrs and he asked if we could have one because he was afraid we would regret it. I was 38 at the time, really didnt want to but ended up i did. my husband had a terrible childhood, his parents divorced when he was 13 but his mother wasnt there for him before during or after. she was very selfcentered. the father moved them around alot because he got bored so they didnt have a stable like. my family was and still is very close, i have 6 siblings my parents raised us with great morals and that family comes first. unfortunatly my dad passed away when i was 27 and my mom when i was 30. When our son came my husband wasnt there as much as i hoped, i understand he had no babies in his family and its different for a guy. I can count on one hand how many times he played with him and stbx will agree to that and has to the councelor we were seeing. now that stbx is out of the house and has a gf, he sees him less. when i told him he shouls take our son the whole weekend he said no i have him fridays and that works for me. well thats selfish but i guess you learn by example, i mean his parents were selfcentered only makes sense he would be. well now my stbx calls 20 times a day to talk to son, guess he thinks if he calls alot it makes up for seeing him. half the time i tell my son to answer the phone its daddy he refuses to. and like my lawyer says you cant force the father to see the child, well i cant force my son to talk to his father either. the other day when his father called i answered and told my son it was daddy he said no i dont want to talk, stbx chuckled as if to say wtf, tonite when my stbx called my son said what the heck him again i dont want to talk to him. I do feel bad that they will never have the relationship my son needs with his dad, but what can i do, this was his dicision not to be with him more. I am the mother and father, my stbx never did things with us while we were together, I did the fishing, bug things i just caught him a snake and turtle, we went out all summer to fun places, when my stbx has my son they go to dinner and hang in walmart or target, ooo fun. he just dont no how to parent and i dont trust me say anything about him to my son, last week he told me he didnt want to go out to eat anymore with his dad, he said he wanted to have a nice dinner at home like we have, so i mentioned it to stbx and he was a little short with me, well he dont say anything, see stbx isnt easy to talk to all he knows how to do is yell and get defensive, so i said what do u think i make this **** up. so he said well i dont no how to cook, poor excuse, so i said open a jar of sauce and make macaroni wtf. so he said he would do that, so i told son he was gonna cook, he was happy, wow thats all it took to make him happy, so he comes to get son , and first thing he says is what are we gonna do for dinner, my poor sons eyes filled up i looked at stbx with discust he looked at me and said to son oh yeah lets cook at home. my sons face lite up. I dont think my son needs therepy he is doing great, i think the ex needs parenting classes. its so hard to listen to them talk on the phone because ex doesnt know what to say to him. it could be saturday and hes asking what my son wants for dinner the next friday, he is only on the phone with him a matter of 20 seconds. I am not sure what i am asking here if i am asking anything or just venting.


----------



## sadandtired (Sep 2, 2010)

Children are alot smarter than we give them credit for. I bet your 6 year old know exactly what he wants and what he doesn't want and maybe you should just roll with that for a little while. 

It also sounds like your ex needs to get a clue on what it means to be a dad and to get his priorities straight. If it were me, I'd tell him to knock it off with the stalker-like phone calls and to decide whether he wants to really be a dad or not. He sounds like he just wants to be a dad on his terms and it doesn't work that way with children. Good luck.


----------



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Like mentioned above, your son will figure it out if he hasn't already that his dad is not the greatest. However, it is important if at all possible to allow them to have continued contact & for his father to be part of his life. 
What can hopefully give you piece of mind, is knowing that your son is with you the majority of the time. So you will play a major role in influencing him & raising him into the child you hope he will be. 
I have a very self centered stbx & I used to get frustrated when he wouldn't take initiative in seeing the kids & felt like I was forcing the kids on him. I have had to change my way of thinking, I have figure that I can't rely on him & if he does come around & want to be with the kids, it is a pleasant surprise. Before, I would let it bother me & would get upset if he would let me & the kids down, if he changed his plans. 
So now I make the best of it when the kids are with me, I savor anytime that I have alone when the kids are with dad but have not come to expect it all the time. I am considering getting a babysitter 2x/month for me to go out & do something for myself. Whether it be errands, go to the gym, meet up with friends, etc & live my life with little support from their dad. 

If you are getting divorce, I think the laws vary by state, but think it might be mandatory that both the mother & father take a "divorce course regarding parenting"? In some states, I think that the children are also required/encouraged to attend a class for kids going through divorce? 

good luck dealing with your self centered stbx - it is his lose the he is missing out on his son's childhood. but he has to come to that realization on his own & it can't be forced.


----------

