# Just HOW IMPORTANT is your wife's orgasm to you as a MAN?



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am just curious to hear how other couples are...(Wives please answer as well)....

I think my husband is a little extreme ....more sensitive than the norm... 

This has happened a # of times... he is raring to go in the morning... Now I have never faked an orgasm in my life, and he knows I LOVE them...I want mine! In the past, if he slips before me ... I'd make him do it again! Not that he minded -when he could. 

Not enough time this am, so I tell him to "take me" and later we can give him a booster & I'll get mine...(his limit appears to be once a day at his age).....But he wants no part of this...(which I kinda expected) so I try to convince him anyway ....come on...DO ME...it's all good...and still....he insists on waiting.... I really don't know HOW he can Do that.... 

It's like he has to have MY ORGASM or the experience leaves him "lacking"....he needs to feel the electricity running through my body....he'll say "it's just not the same" ...calls it "NO FUN" without mine. 

Would most men handle this -in this way... insist on waiting ...or take advantage of as many releases as he can get ! 

This has never been a problem for us ...I kinda love the fact he cares so much... but I do think when menopause comes upon me...this could be a real damper as I may struggle to get mine... he may just have to get over this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as a guy... I have difficulty with this as well. My SO takes longer to orgasm than I do some days, so there's been times when it's been just for my orgasm. Over time, I've gotten better at accepting that, but it's definitely not my preferred way to go. 

Not sure how you can get him to accept that this is ok sometimes, except by talking to him about it. 

C


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## biola (Dec 28, 2012)

Well,it public knowledge by now that your husband as been identified as a 'Niceguy',and since you've read the book I'm sure you are familiar with thought process that goes through his head when it comes to matters of intimacy.Just gently explain to him that cumming is not a requirement during this of the month so that you don't feel pressured.No muss,no fuss!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

As a man, my wife's orgasm(s) are extremely important to me. I used to not care so much, but as we got older (both 50 now), she went through her testosterone surge, and discovered she was multi-orgasmic (used to be a one and one gal).

I always make sure she has an orgasm (or two or three) before I get off. My wife is able to orgasm very quickly and effectively with a vibe or tub faucet, so sometimes she will take care of herself as "foreplay", and I will give her oral and/or we will have PIV to keep her orgasms rolling along.

If we have sex, and she doesn't O at least once, I don't get nearly the amount of satisfaction from the act than I would if she came. I think I enjoy giving her orgasms (with fingers, tongue, an/or penis) more than I like having them myself!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Very important to me.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Honestly ..... more important than mine  !! She does orgasm fairly easily and if she's extremely aroused would even have multiple so I'm or ummmmm she's very blessed


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am just curious to hear how other couples are...(Wives please answer as well)....
> 
> I think my husband is a little extreme ....more sensitive than the norm...
> 
> ...


I'm in the same boat sort of,SA.As a matter of fact,SO and I were just discussing this yesterday afternoon.
Like your H,SO is completely focused on my orgasms.He doesn't feel complete unless I've had at LEAST one.

He's literally obsessed with making sure I have the most pleasurable experience possible.EVERY TIME.

It has gotten to where he doesn't really want morning sex anymore bc he ends too fast and I'm not really a morning orgasm kind of person.I love the morning sex but I'd rather just please him and let him please me at a more reasonable hour.
He has begun to insist we wait til later so I can get off too.

I guess for some guys,the woman's orgasm really is the end all be all of the sexual experience.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

My wifes orgasm is very important for me. She tends to take a long time to orgasm. Although I tend to not orgasm quickly (30-40mins if I ease the pace) I usually orgasm first. I feel terrible. She tends to lose interest there after. Its getting to the point where I don't want to initiate sex as I feel I don't satisfy her. She doesn't ever initiate sex either which doesn't help the feeling that she doesn't enjoy or want sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

I struggled with this for a very long time, SA. I wanted my wife to be sexually satisfied and seeing and feeling her climax is a turn on for me. At the same time, it almost became an impediment; I felt like less of a man when she didn't. It felt like I was letting her down, which evetually my passive-aggressive brain translated to her letting me down, holding back from me, not being turned on by me, I wasn't good enough in bed, etc. Then I would get mine without giving, which was okay once in a while. Then she'd get upset, I would promise to do better, and we'd be fine for some time, then the cycle would start over.

We got to a place where sexual satisfaction isn't score-keeping or tit-for-tat, but how we feel over the long haul. In any one session, wife and I may have one or more orgasms - or none. But as long as both of us want to please the other, it works out. I love to please her but it took me a long time to realize that she wants to make me happy to, that I can accept a BJ from her without reciprocation because she loves me and enjoys pleasuring me as much as I do her. Or as she puts is succinctly, "A quickie is okay, just not every time." She has a way with words while I ramble too much. 

I think when a partner focuses exclusively on their partner's pleasure, they devalue their own, and over time that creates problems. SA, from what you have written about him, I suspect your husband probably gives freely in all aspects of his life, as a husband, friend, and father. I hope he is open to the people he loves doing something loving for him - and that includes his wife offering herself freely, with no expectations as you did.

If I miss the mark, forgive me please for overreaching.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeah, it's pretty damned important. Her orgasm is all the difference between sex and masturbation.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Yeah, it's pretty damned important. *Her orgasm is all the difference between sex and masturbation.*


Seriously? That's the only difference??? And you ok with that? My apologies if it's something else going on.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SA and SB:

How do your husband/partner feel about a solo BJ with no other sexual activity?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Oh my. Short answer...more important to me than mine. My STBW and I talked a bit about the whole making sure she comes first thing recently. I used to adhere to that pretty strictly until she told me that sometimes she really wants me to get mine first. Looking back over our relationship, we both get ours pretty much every time regardless who goes first, and she feels better about it that way. 

We both struggle with the unreciporicated orgasm, me more than her. I know for myself, that I love giving her one with nothing in return, but it is difficult accepting that she feels the exact same way. There are actual feelings of guilt if she does something for me, and I don't have the chance to do something in return. She feels the same way.

It is not out of any sense of obligation for either of us, we just love each other, and care about each other's wants and needs so much, that it is difficult to be selfish. We are working on this and getting better at it. 

The other thing is, our whole sexual experience together really does involve both of us, so if one of us doesn't get involved to the point of taking the other over the edge, it feels like something was lacking. We also have sex at least once a day, most days more than once, and so there really isn't time for the primal urge for release to build up unless we purposely hold out. If we hold out, that need for release builds in both of us which kind of defeats the purpose of one of us going without the other.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm a woman. But the one time we had a sexual encounter where the husband didn't have an orgasm I felt like crap. I felt so bad, like I was a failure. So my partner having an orgasm is a big deal to me.

Husband does like to see me pleased. But he also has no trouble asking for quickies, or oral for him either. So I don't think he really cares all that much about my orgasm. Now if he is trying to get me to have one, and I can't. I think that does bother him because he feels like a failure. But if he isn't trying, then it doesn't seem to bother him.

I wish he cared just a little bit more. But he says they are tiring sometimes. :/


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> SA and SB:
> 
> How do your husband/partner feel about a solo BJ with no other sexual activity?


I know I am not them, but I'm going to answer anyway  I struggle wth this quite a lot actually. If I know that's what's happening, it always takes me longer, and is less enjoyable. The thing is, I also know that when it's happening, she is getting a lot of pleasure out of the fact that she is doing it and making me feel good.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> SA and SB:
> 
> How do your husband/partner feel about a solo BJ with no other sexual activity?


Now that he has begun enjoying BJ's,he's ok receiving.He prefers if we both get ours.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

now ya'll got me jealous. i'd guess my H orgasms at least 4-5x more than me. I can't O from vaginal intercourse, so it's fingers or oral, which happens maybe 1-2x every 2 weeks although I give a BJ and/or have sex about 3x/week.

Nope - not too important to the H. A few times a week I have to lube myself because I'm left out of the foreplay so not wet enough for sex.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

If she doesn't, and I do, I feel I "owe" her one. 
So yes, it's important.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> SA and SB:
> 
> How do your husband/partner feel about a solo BJ with no other sexual activity?


I've never had one. Every one involved my wife getting at least one orgasm and most of the time two or more. I like it that way. It gets me when a few women have posted about guys being selfish in regards to a BJ, how it is one sided. It makes me go 'huh, what are you talking about?'

OTOH, if she ever told me she wanted to do it without reciprocity it wouldn't bother me.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

It does make me curious about your former low sex years SA. 

When we had our dry spells, Mrs. Gray would get amorous during the middle of her cycle. Many times she was only interested in one time... But if it was a couple of weeks without sex I couldn't last anywhere near long enough to get her to her orgasm. She wasn't letting herself relax and get into oral, so her only orgasms were from PIV with her on top. If she didn't orgasm, she'd not come back for more because she was frustrated - it killed her desire for more.

That made me very focused on her getting hers before me. Perhaps there is some parallel her with your husband?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

When I was married I avoided sex w/my H by giving him HJ's and BJ's instead.

He seemed fine with it and never complained that I wasn't getting mine.Maybe he knew I was getting mine all by myself in the shower every day.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Uhhhh, I'd take that 'avoiding' any day over what I went through!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Uhhhh, I'd take that 'avoiding' any day over what I went through!


I think most men would


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

It's pretty important. Nothing is hotter than when she gets off, so I usually "arrive" shortly after. It helps me get off, makes mine better.

99% of the time, she has hers first. There are the odd times that I will release before she gets there, but it's really rare. Rarer still, one or both of us doesn't get off at all. 

There have been times where she just wants to give me head and not have PIV sex...sometimes she just wants to do that for me. I usually take her anyways, and that "taking her" really seems to get her off. 

Even though I find it really important that she get's off every time, if she doesn't but still offers herself to me, I would still take it. I think that's really hot too....that she would just give herself to me, really enjoy being taken, but not so much in the mood that she even wants to get off herself.

It's give and take. I'd love to give, but regardless, I'll still take it!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

biola said:


> Well,it public knowledge by now that your husband as been identified as a 'Niceguy',and since you've read the book I'm sure you are familiar with thought process that goes through his head when it comes to matters of intimacy.Just gently explain to him that cumming is not a requirement during this of the month so that you don't feel pressured.No muss,no fuss!


Public knowlege ...he is branded now. 

Not sure I care for his being painted as a "NICE GUY" in the negative connotation ..... I LOVE him the way he IS.....

I just asked this for curiosity...it's an interesting subject and wanted to hear how other man are....I do believe the more sensitive men who get off on pleasing WILL struggle more with this issue though....it being harder for them to be with a woman who couldn't orgasm easily...

It's really not a problem for us at all.. I've even told him I LOVE that he is this way and wouldn't change it....I've also stood up for men on posts such as these - -praising them as sensitive lovers when women would complain about this , saying they had to have their "egos stroked"... I felt that was very wrong for the women to say...and I always will...

I would be different if I felt pressured to orgasm I suppose...and they were elusive ...that's not me, I want them with fury and every single time.. 

Of course he knows this is not a requirement ..Heavens...I'm just like a GUY...I too "get off" on making him happy.. if I say "GO FOR IT ".. frankly, I think it's rather silly for him to not take advantage of it... but yeah...that's just how he feels...and obviously strongly.. 

I could always DEMAND he take me... ha ha -- He'd probably listen to that!! 

He's always been one to wait & save every drop of satisfaction for when I was ready, engaged - us "cumming together" is what he wants EVERY SINGLE time...if possible... and yeah...how do I not love this.. it's sweet. 

Like Charlie P & wife...we've always been in sync- since the very beginning... I used to think that was simply *AMAZING* ... being too uneducated to know he was just "holding out" for me... Dahhhh --there was a method to his madness...never any words spoken, he could tell by my breathing when to let loose & we rode those waves together. 



shesgone said:


> My wife gets off very fast, so we wouldn't have this problem.
> However If I was faced with this, I would do as she requested. I would get mine and focus all my attention on her later that night.
> Sounds like it could keep you highly aroused all day long if this happened.


I get off in good time too, we only had about 10 minutes this am....a little more time was all that was needed...I really just wanted to give it TO HIM. 



Now just take a moment with these responses... seems it is BUILT into many men...



> *Pbear said*: I've gotten better at accepting that, but it's definitely not my preferred way to go.





> *Keeper63 said:* As a man, my wife's orgasm(s) are extremely important to me.
> 
> If we have sex, and she doesn't O at least once, I don't get nearly the amount of satisfaction from the act than I would if she came. I think I enjoy giving her orgasms (with fingers, tongue, an/or penis) more than I like having them myself!





Thound said:


> Very important to me.





Omgitsjoe said:


> Honestly ..... more important than mine  !!





ScarletBegonias said:


> Like your H,SO is completely focused on my orgasms.He doesn't feel complete unless I've had at LEAST one.
> 
> He's literally obsessed with making sure I have the most pleasurable experience possible.EVERY TIME....
> 
> I guess for some guys,the woman's orgasm really is the end all be all of the sexual experience.





Cletus said:


> Yeah, it's pretty damned important. Her orgasm is all the difference between sex and masturbation.





samyeagar said:


> Oh my. Short answer...more important to me than mine. ....
> We both struggle with the unreciporicated orgasm, me more than her.





doubletrouble said:


> If she doesn't, and I do, I feel I "owe" her one.
> So yes, it's important.


PLus CharlieP is struggling with this now ..

I just gleamed these answers real quick but they are very telling..*I feel it is something BUILT into the man - to want this* ...and obviously it is stronger in some over others... 

Does that make the men WRONG.. I don't think so, but it can be a potential issue as Convection has explained in his post..... we are not there yet.. Not in menopause- hope that stays away for another 10 yrs + ...I don't want it ! 

Appreciate all of you sharing


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

larry.gray said:


> It does make me curious about your former low sex years SA.
> 
> When we had our dry spells, Mrs. Gray would get amorous during the middle of her cycle. Many times she was only interested in one time... But if it was a couple of weeks without sex I couldn't last anywhere near long enough to get her to her orgasm. She wasn't letting herself relax and get into oral, so her only orgasms were from PIV with her on top. If she didn't orgasm, she'd not come back for more because she was frustrated - it killed her desire for more.
> 
> That made me very focused on her getting hers before me. Perhaps there is some parallel her with your husband?


I am jumping around on these posts.... I can't say there is a parallel .....I've never lost my desire ...it was just not communicated so we missed each other (back in the day). 

You mention your wife going a couple weeks without it... Oh my -- that was NEVER ME.. ..I had to have it at least ONCE a week...and actually I think I masterbated in between that - I was always a light sleeper & got horny in the middle of the night many times....while he was sleeping.... 

I didn't think I should wake him up... I did HALF the time... I should have every time... Just one of our blunders in missing each other ...rather stupidly. 

He was always able to wait for me ... he got me foreplayed up so good... I had to be about ready to explode before I got on, or he got on... cause it would be over TOO quickly (since he didn't masterbate in between our romps at all).....he was always on the verge really.. yet amazing held control at the same time... looking at his face, almost seemed painful (Oh what I put the man through not giving him enough sex back [email protected]#) 

And when he slipped before... .he could do it again....I put the pressure on! 

I am purely a PIV orgasmer... Oral is very rare for me...2 times is all I remember....not from his lack of trying.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I think it's extremely important. Nothing is hotter than a woman in the throws of ecstasy. Especially when I'm the one sending her there. On the rare occasion my wife doesn't 'get hers', I do feel down about it, but I just tell her I owe her one and try to make it that much better the next time.

As for the solo BJ, it doesn't happen too often. If I'm coaxing her for sex and I get one I do feel a little guilt about it. It's like she's trying to shut me up. But, there aren't many things in this world better than the unsolicited hummer. Those I don't feel any guilt over, because if its unsolicited I know she's doing it because SHE wants to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm in the same boat sort of,SA.As a matter of fact,SO and I were just discussing this yesterday afternoon.
> Like your H,SO is completely focused on my orgasms.He doesn't feel complete unless I've had at LEAST one.
> 
> He's literally obsessed with making sure I have the most pleasurable experience possible.EVERY TIME.


 Does this bother you or do you find it endearing somehow ? I wouldn't call mine obsessed.... I am more obsessed over sex than he is (not meaning in a bad way but a very gooooood way)...



> It has gotten to where he doesn't really want morning sex anymore bc he ends too fast and I'm not really a morning orgasm kind of person.I love the morning sex but I'd rather just please him and let him please me at a more reasonable hour.
> He has begun to insist we wait til later so I can get off too.


 Awe....I can see why he feels this way though as he has struggled at times....surely in the back of his mind, he wants to save all that "oomph"...besides just holding YOUR experience so high in his satisfaction... 

At my husband's age...he needs to save the oomph... THIS is part of it for him .... as IF he did get "his" this morning - he'd need a slither of viagra tonight to please me. It's imperative for him to get it up since I can't get off orally...I guess that kinda sucks.  He told me he downloaded some Oral sex guide on the net to better his skills... it's one of his desires to bring me there this way more often...I was excited he is taking the time. 



> I guess for some guys,the woman's orgasm really is the end all be all of the sexual experience.


IT IS... mine has went as far as saying...he doesn't believe a woman can enjoy the experience without one.... even though he tells me HE does.. There has been probably 20 + times he didn't get his in the past 4 yrs.. Not sure why he can't use his own experience of enjoyment and extend that reasoning back to me....interesting struggle for some.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I find it endearing currently and am hoping I always find it so
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I find it endearing currently and am hoping I always find it so
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's good, I think it is very SWEET myself.. He got up for work.. still aroused... got dressed... and I told him how wonderful he is that he feels that way... either way would be GOOD , doable of course.. but I know when we go at it later tonight, he will have a little more LUST over if he had his release this am....there's some sweet anticipation in that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Convection said:


> *I struggled with this for a very long time,* SA. I wanted my wife to be sexually satisfied and seeing and feeling her climax is a turn on for me. At the same time,* it almost became an impediment; I felt like less of a man when she didn't. It felt like I was letting her down,* which evetually my passive-aggressive brain translated to her letting me down, holding back from me, not being turned on by me, I wasn't good enough in bed, etc. * Then I would get mine without giving, which was okay once in a while. Then she'd get upset, I would promise to do better, and we'd be fine for some time, then the cycle would start over*.


 I bet this sort of thing is common for many .... 



> We got to a place where sexual satisfaction isn't score-keeping or tit-for-tat, but how we feel over the long haul. In any one session, wife and I may have one or more orgasms - or none. *But as long as both of us want to please the other, it works out. I love to please her but it took me a long time to realize that she wants to make me happy to, that I can accept a BJ from her without reciprocation because she loves me and enjoys pleasuring me as much as I do her.* Or as she puts is succinctly, "A quickie is okay, just not every time." She has a way with words while I ramble too much.


 Lovely....with this dynamic.... all need to come to THIS place your describe here.... It will always take sharing of these vulnerable feelings.. Who knew how giving & receiving sexual pleasure could be one of the most sensitive issues in our marriages [email protected]# Reassurance of this Joy to GIVE is so very important....being too quiet would not help ...as we might think the other feels this way -or that...and lead us to a bad place..then pulling away. 



> I think when a partner focuses exclusively on their partner's pleasure, they devalue their own, and over time that creates problems. *SA, from what you have written about him, I suspect your husband probably gives freely in all aspects of his life, as a husband, friend, and father. * I hope he is open to the people he loves doing something loving for him - and that includes his wife offering herself freely, with no expectations as you did.


 Yes, this is most definitely HOW he is geared....I really don't mind it as I somehow enjoy being overly expressive to lift him up ....and give him that assurance ... which I am convinced such men (like him)....need more of that- to help them receive and revel in it at the same time. 

Yeah..he lets me RETURN the favor... as long as he doesn't think I want it later...that is!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's imperative for him to get it up since I can't get off orally...I guess that kinda sucks.  He told me he downloaded some Oral sex guide on the net to better his skills... it's one of his desires to bring me there this way more often...I was excited he is taking the time.


It took what felt like forever before I finally had an orgasm from anything other than using my own fingers on my cl*t.SO is the only person to make me O on his own and definitely the only person to make me O from oral.
It's a fingers/tongue combo effort that does the trick.A ton of foreplay with his fingers beforehand makes it a lot easier too.

It's really great that your H is so motivated to make it happen orally.  It's soooooo goooooood!!!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> IT IS... mine has went as far as saying...he doesn't believe a woman can enjoy the experience without one.... even though he tells me HE does.. There has been probably 20 + times he didn't get his in the past 4 yrs.. Not sure why he can't use his own experience of enjoyment and extend that reasoning back to me....interesting struggle for some.


This is a subject we have discussed a lot too especially when he was having issues w/stress affecting his erections and ability to finish.
He still insisted it was great for him regardless but on the off chance that I wanted to give up trying to orgasm he'd get bent out of shape about it and want to keep trying. It seems they simply can't connect the dots that if a lady is practically dripping wet she's enjoying it regardless of orgasm stats for that session. Even if she has an issue where there's a lack of wetness,he should still understand she's enjoying it if she's behaving enthusiastically and is engaged in the moment.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

committed4ever said:


> SA and SB:
> 
> How do your husband/partner feel about a solo BJ with no other sexual activity?


When I first started doing them... shame on me - this was just 4 yrs ago.. 
(KICK ME - I WANT TO KICK MYSELF...)... Both our faults... I made this asinine comment yrs ago about penis's being "homely"  ...and he told me he sure wasn't going to ask ME to put my mouth on it after that... It wasn't personal .... but well...yeah.. not my brightest moment. 

I asked him once how he felt ..... *he told me he felt "selfish"*... I was like "[email protected]#$" ..... I looked up at him and said "You don't want this?"... I told him to lay back cause I selfishly want to suck him dry, I also tell him to push my head down, I like that! He felt funny about doing that too - for a time, he's gotten better as I keep telling him to do it..

His brain is just wired to please me.. but he has no trouble enjoying those and getting off.... so I don't care what struggle he's got going on in that head of his...the body is willing.... we're both happy...


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

SA, you said you only orgasm through PIV, have you tried letting your H penetrate you with a toy while he goes down on you?

My wife and I had a wonderful vacation lately, and during that time there were days when she wanted PIV 3 or more times in a day (which I felt obligated to provide), and I just couldn't stay hard enough (even with vitamin V) after the second or third go-round. 

My wife prefers PIV orgasms, but I think the ones I gave her with the toy and my tongue might have been just as good, if not better, than the usual PIV orgasms.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Are you telling me that women can orgasm?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Selfish is exactly how I feel with un solicited blow jobs with no expectation of reciporication. I guess that's one of those things that I need to get over because I have no isses doing the same for her, and if she turns me down, it does feel like rejection. It's just difficult sometimes trying to feel what the other person must feel. Same thing goes for accepting that she enjoys sex even without the O. The times I have not had one, I still enjoyed it immensely, mainly because of the pleasure I could see she was having.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Are you telling me that women can orgasm?


said WAY too many men.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> SO is the only person to make me O on his own and definitely the only person to make me O from oral.


 No wonder you feel so bonded & you sing his Praises !! 



> It's a fingers/tongue combo effort that does the trick.A ton of foreplay with his fingers beforehand makes it a lot easier too.


 Mine does this and ..yeah...that's some amazing foreplay [email protected]# .. .. I think IF our sessions were fewer & far between....this would CUM easier... I am near sure of it.. I guess I just prefer the rod. What can I say. 



> It seems they simply can't connect the dots that if a lady is practically dripping wet she's enjoying it regardless of orgasm stats for that session. Even if she has an issue where there's a lack of wetness,he should still understand she's enjoying it if she's behaving enthusiastically and is engaged in the moment.


 The DRIPPING woman Vs the ROCK HARD man - both spell LUST, wanting it - a state of sexual NEED.... 

I will admit that was a struggle FOR ME to believe he was enjoying it -when he wasn't getting as hard... (he can even GO that way so I guess that speaks on it's own)....it took much reading for me...much understanding about Testosterone....also coming to realize my husband's Libido style being so wrapped up in the emotional (being a Sensual Lover)....

We can make it more complicated than it needs to be I suppose....why I so appreciate all this learning....as really... it has set me "free" in this area of my mind getting carried away..when I was questioning - at one time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

keeper63 said:


> SA, you said you only orgasm through PIV, have you tried letting your H penetrate you with a toy while he goes down on you?


Not really...He has zero interest in toys , told me to put them away when I was a bit over zealous for getting some...actually that was music to my ears...For a time I was reading many reviews on "Adam & Eve"...I know where to go ! 

I guess if /when I have trouble.. or he does ...I know this will be something we'll explore... but until that day.. we're good...Rented a Porn DVD on Toys once, that was quite fascinating...it had a "Sex TOY show" exhibit..be fun to walk around at one of those.. hearing people talk.. ha ha 

... I think twice he used a toy on me ..it took me longer to get there... It's just "not the same"... we both feel that way.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I know I am not them, but I'm going to answer anyway  I struggle wth this quite a lot actually. If I know that's what's happening, it always takes me longer, and is less enjoyable. The thing is, I also know that when it's happening, she is getting a lot of pleasure out of the fact that she is doing it and making me feel good.


I can see that. It is pleasurable to me from the sense of giving something not expect any thing in return. He seems to like it though once he realized I love giving it as much as he loves receiving it. But I get the feeling if he could choose between a solo BJ and PIV he would take PIV every time. 

Maybe it because of what SA say about my O being just as important as his. But he knows it doesn't take much for me. I have the embarrassing problem of the female version of PE. Oral it just going to happen quick. PIV we can control a little better but I know he probably wish I would last longer even though we can time it together which is great. Even though he has never complain, we don't get any where near the length of time people say here like 30 minutes or more because of me. 

Another reason why I like giving him a solo BJ.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not really...He has zero interest in toys , told me to put them away when I was a bit over zealous for getting some...actually that was music to my ears...For a time I was reading many reviews on "Adam & Eve"...I know where to go !
> 
> I guess if /when I have trouble.. or he does ...I know this will be something we'll explore... but until that day.. we're good...Rented a Porn DVD on Toys once, that was quite fascinating...it had a "Sex TOY show" exhibit..be fun to walk around at one of those.. hearing people talk.. ha ha
> 
> ... I think twice he used a toy on me ..it took me longer to get there... It's just "not the same"... we both feel that way.


Thats us too both of us. Zero interest in toys.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't understand why this is an issue. Sometimes I go first and sometimes my hb goes first, after which he'll play with my breasts (which I really love) and I'll touch myself or he'll touch me. Unless one of us just can't orgasm that moment, which happens on occasion, we are always both taken care of. Who cares who goes first, unless things are really one sided?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't understand why this is an issue. Sometimes I go first and sometimes my hb goes first, after which he'll play with my breasts (which I really love) and I'll touch myself or he'll touch me. Unless one of us just can't orgasm that moment, which happens on occasion, we are always both taken care of. Who cares who goes first, unless things are really one sided?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seem like it not a matter of who go first but just to make sure both do finish. The consensus seem to be men usually always go but women don't always. That's why some want to make sure the woman goes by putting her first. For some men it is all over once they go.


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Meh, I do my due diligence, but I've learned that her orgasm is her responsibility. I'll do what I can to make it happen, but I no longer feel guilty if she doesn't.

Why do I feel this way? Because my wife tends to cut foreplay short to get to PIV. Sometimes I can *feel* that she's not ready to have an orgasm, but she still wants to start the show. If she wants to go that route, then that's on her.

Though, ahem, if she's tied up at the time. She doesn't have much say in things and the show starts when I say it starts. Those instances have a much higher percentage of her orgasming.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CharlieParker said:


> I'm living the struggle as we speak.
> 
> In reading your posts you two sound a lot like us, err, us in the past that is. Menopause has decreased her drive and her ability to orgasm (related?). There is a big difference between "take me" as you put it and knowing she won't come. It's a different dynamic and set up or lead into.
> 
> ...


Oh My Charlie... yeah...you are in the thick of it....

I am hoping.... because of my sky rocketing drive and already dealing with those times HE didn't get his.. and my conditioning him to understand I love the pleasing... hopefully this will go smoother WHEN I am going through the dreaded MenOpause. 

I will always remember the 1st time he didn't "get his"... he told me he could wait till the next day ... ..this took me by surprise... suddenly I felt this wave of sadness wash over me....I just didn't like that at all...Kinda like how he feels... Geeze, we're so much alike!! ...so yeah... I got a taste of how *sensitive* men are in this thing. 

But as time went on, with this happening here & there (maybe twice a month)....I no longer let it bother me... because I did feel Loved.. wanted...Heck I USED it to my advantage... like "OH Baby, I got one in for me... so now I'll get 2 romps for the price of one!".... and it did make him happy !

And he knew HIS was right around the corner, so no guilt or feeling bad.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

PIV sex is pretty much all about me. We discovered early on when were dating that I have neither the right sized equipment or the staying power to be able to make her O with PIV alone. She has been able to have them with previous boyfriends so its a "short coming" on my end. So we pretty much have PIV for my sake but she says that while she doesn't achieve the big O she does enjoy feeling the closeness during the act. 

Do I wish I could get the job done for her? Of course I do, so I am just dedicated to make sure I offer to give her the chance before and after with toys, hands or oral. But she doesn't always want to have one, so I am guilty to admit its sometimes just about me and my O and I am more than willing to have as many as I can get.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *It is not out of any sense of obligation for either of us, we just love each other, and care about each other's wants and needs so much, that it is difficult to be selfish. We are working on this and getting better at it.
> 
> The other thing is, our whole sexual experience together really does involve both of us, so if one of us doesn't get involved to the point of taking the other over the edge, it feels like something was lacking. * We also have sex at least once a day, most days more than once, and so there really isn't time for the primal urge for release to build up unless we purposely hold out. If we hold out, that need for release builds in both of us which kind of defeats the purpose of one of us going without the other.


 Just wanted to say...Your post sounded A LOT like how we think and are... We've talked about the "*Quality vs Quantity"*....we'd both rather do it more - over less often even though the lust factor would be higher..... we had enough of "waiting days" in our past.. though they both have their advantages ....one is like it's so hot , it explodes in Fireworks sex...& the other has this heightened ongoing emotional bonding...with much afterglowing. 



IsGirl3 said:


> now ya'll got me jealous. i'd guess my H orgasms at least 4-5x more than me. I can't O from vaginal intercourse, so it's fingers or oral, which happens maybe 1-2x every 2 weeks although I give a BJ and/or have sex about 3x/week.
> 
> Nope - not too important to the H. A few times a week I have to lube myself because I'm left out of the foreplay so not wet enough for sex.


 Did it bother him AT FIRST ....him trying all he could to get you there every time...or you allowed him to not worry about that so he's fallen into where you are now... but now you find he could step it up some ...take more time on you... 

In some cases, it IS a good thing the man can "let it go" and enjoy ...and in other cases, it can be a hindrance -if the woman is wanting a little more. 



tulsy said:


> It's pretty important.* Nothing is hotter than when she gets off, so I usually "arrive" shortly after. It helps me get off, makes mine better.*
> 
> 99% of the time, she has hers first.


 This is exactly how he feels....and those rare times he goes before me, most of the time I manage in those last shooting moments to let loose too...which is pretty cool. 




> Even though I find it really important that she get's off every time, *if she doesn't but still offers herself to me, I would still take it. I think that's really hot too....that she would just give herself to me, really enjoy being taken, but not so much in the mood that she even wants to get off herself.
> 
> It's give and take. I'd love to give, but regardless, I'll still take it!*


 I like the attitude ! :smthumbup:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Just wanted to say...Your post sounded A LOT like how we think and are... We've talked about the "*Quality vs Quantity"*....we'd both rather do it more - over less often even though the lust factor would be higher..... we had enough of "waiting days" in our past.. though they both have their advantages ....one is like it's so hot , it explodes in Fireworks sex...& the other has this heightened ongoing emotional bonding...with much afterglowing. & much after glowing...


I know we do have some differences SA, but from following your story here at TAM, I think my STBW and I, and you and your husband are very similar in a lot of ways, and that encourages me quite a bit, so thank you.

I like how this thread has explored several things relating to orgasm equality, quantity, importance, and general attitudes.

The whole quality vs quantity thing for us, I can honestly say that the quality is always very high, so all we really have to work on is the quantity, and the fact that she wants it every day or more tells me she agrees that it is quality too. I never saw any reason to not do it just to not do it. For us, it's about having making a whole bunch of mind blowing love


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> I can see that. It is pleasurable to me from the sense of giving something not expect any thing in return. He seems to like it though once he realized I love giving it as much as he loves receiving it. But I get the feeling if he could choose between a solo BJ and PIV he would take PIV every time.
> 
> Maybe it because of what SA say about my O being just as important as his. But he knows it doesn't take much for me. I have the embarrassing problem of the female version of PE. Oral it just going to happen quick. PIV we can control a little better but I know he probably wish I would last longer even though we can time it together which is great. Even though he has never complain, we don't get any where near the length of time people say here like 30 minutes or more because of me.
> 
> Another reason why I like giving him a solo BJ.


The quick O for the woman in no way compares to the quick O for the guy. Most guys would not have a problem bragging about how they can make their woman go in under a minute...kind of an ego thing. 

With my STBW, there have been a few times where I have gone at it to see how quickly I can get her off, and it's between a minute and two. I am actually very in tune with her body and can pretty well direct things. I know her limits as well, and once I start to focus on her V region, 5-15 minutes is her range. We have discovered together that she is multi orgasmic, so that adds another dimension.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Not really...He has zero interest in toys , told me to put them away when I was a bit over zealous for getting some...actually that was music to my ears...For a time I was reading many reviews on "Adam & Eve"...I know where to go !
> 
> I guess if /when I have trouble.. or he does ...I know this will be something we'll explore... but until that day.. we're good...Rented a Porn DVD on Toys once, that was quite fascinating...it had a "Sex TOY show" exhibit..be fun to walk around at one of those.. hearing people talk.. ha ha
> 
> ... I think twice he used a toy on me ..it took me longer to get there... It's just "not the same"... we both feel that way.


No toys for us either. I have no problems with them and before me, neither did my STBW, but as she explains it, I'm better at it by myself than she is with or without the toys.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Guys - Do you still feel that her O is so important if it's "that" time of the month? My H is always very considerate and makes sure that I go first but there are times, especially a few days a month, that I just know it's not going to happen. It's nothing to do with him or our relationship or his performance or anything. It's purely hormonal and Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum combined aren't going to get the job done. 

So, should I fake it? Just avoid sex? It feels like a lot of pressure to O when I know how important it is to him. I really like just giving him some enjoyment because I want him to be happy and I want to feel close to him, even if I don't O. But then I worry that I'm just making him feel bad!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Guys - Do you still feel that her O is so important if it's "that" time of the month? My H is always very considerate and makes sure that I go first but there are times, especially a few days a month, that I just know it's not going to happen. It's nothing to do with him or our relationship or his performance or anything. It's purely hormonal and *Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum combined aren't going to get the job done.*
> 
> So, should I fake it? Just avoid sex? It feels like a lot of pressure to O when I know how important it is to him. I really like just giving him some enjoyment because I want him to be happy and I want to feel close to him, even if I don't O. But then I worry that I'm just making him feel bad!


So if they couldn't get it done for you, there's no way your own husband could huh? If I heard my STBW say that, it'd make me feel way worse than not being able to make her O.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> So if they couldn't get it done for you, there's no way your own husband could huh?


That was just a joke to say that NOTHING would get the job done on certain days of the month. My husband is awesome and gives me Os regularly but I'm just wondering what I should do when I'm just totally not in the mood and he is? There are (rare) times he tries and I can just tell that it's not going to happen. What should I do so that he doesn't feel bad?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

justonelife said:


> Guys - Do you still feel that her O is so important if it's "that" time of the month? My H is always very considerate and makes sure that I go first but there are times, especially a few days a month, that I just know it's not going to happen. It's nothing to do with him or our relationship or his performance or anything. It's purely hormonal and Ryan Gosling and Channing Tatum combined aren't going to get the job done.
> 
> So, should I fake it? Just avoid sex? It feels like a lot of pressure to O when I know how important it is to him. I really like just giving him some enjoyment because I want him to be happy and I want to feel close to him, even if I don't O. But then I worry that I'm just making him feel bad!



Never, never, fake an O. You are cheating your husband and yourself when you do. He will begin to doubt the real thing and resent you for making him guess when it is genuine. 

If it ain't happening, just let him know with a touch or a simple statement, "Your turn."

When Aunt Flo visits, you can do BJ's or HJ's. Some people use a towel beneath them, but that is a personal preference.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

LovesHerMan said:


> Never, never, fake an O. You are cheating your husband and yourself when you do. He will begin to doubt the real thing and resent you for making him guess when it is genuine.
> 
> If it ain't happening, just let him know with a touch or a simple statement, "Your turn."
> 
> When Aunt Flo visits, you can do BJ's or HJ's. Some people use a towel beneath them, but that is a personal preference.


LHM - This is exactly what I usually do but from the comments here, it sounds like I'm letting him down or making him feel bad if I don't O.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

justonelife said:


> LHM - This is exactly what I usually do but from the comments here, it sounds like I'm letting him down or making him feel bad if I don't O.


I think the comments addressed when the wife rarely O's. No one has suggested that a wife should fake it. It is up to the woman to figure out how she becomes aroused, and communicate this to her husband. During those days of the month, each couple has to negotiate how to handle sex.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am just curious to hear how other couples are...(Wives please answer as well)....
> 
> I think my husband is a little extreme ....more sensitive than the norm...
> 
> ...


I am exactly like your H. I can't explain it other than to say it was and is always my greatest pleasure to have my partner cum first - or at the same time ideally. 

I do feel a little let down when it isn't going to happen, probably because I view it as a yardstick of - - i don't know, her commitment, how well I'm doing etc. 

But if my partner didn't cum it was never the end of the world. In that case her body language would say it's not going to happen and then I'd finish up - knowing she didn't want me to hammer away pointlessly - so to speak.

Yeah, it's a bloke thing. I can't say where I got this notion from, my technique as it were, maybe Penthouse or Playboy when I was younger. Not sure. But the joint orgasm is the pinnacle for me but you also have to be realistic.

Gee, now I feel like having sex - if only that were possible in this house.

PS: I used to love morning sex, I have not had morning sex in 18 years. All too hard (bad pun). And one must not encourage, cajole or beg their spouse to function outside the square once every blue moon for fear of retribution.

PPS: Gee, now I feel like having sex even more....ad infinitum


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lifeistooshort said:


> I don't understand why this is an issue.


It's not an issue... just a Question.. but if you read some of the replies here.. it can Become an issue ...if things get "off" -missing each others orgasms....and not enough communication is brought into the situation to reassure each other in just how much they ENJOY in pleasuring the other. 



> Sometimes I go first and sometimes my hb goes first, after which he'll play with my breasts (which I really love) and I'll touch myself or he'll touch me. Unless one of us just can't orgasm that moment, which happens on occasion, we are always both taken care of. *Who cares who goes first, unless things are really one sided?*


If a woman can get off on Oral .. ..it may not matter who goes 1st....more freedom there...but still depends on the "after the release" *attitude* & *enthusiasm* of each partner .... some women don't like the feeling of being entered after she's orgasmed so it can be a downer on the man getting his....( I've read some posts like that).....

And with some men...if he goes first, some get so TIRED after a release (I know my husband does - at night anyway).... he's all spent and might start slowing down...a damper for her..




> *Lord Summerisle said*: Though, ahem, *if she's tied up at the time.* She doesn't have much say in things and the show starts when I say it starts. Those instances have a much higher percentage of her orgasming.


 Can't think of a better ending to being tied up ! 



> *samyeagar said*: I know we do have some differences SA, but from following your story here at TAM, I think my STBW and I, and you and your husband are very similar in a lot of ways, and that encourages me quite a bit, so thank you.


 Another opposite temperament couple / set of hopeless romantics perhaps ? That's cool.. .Upcoming marriage...  ! 

Just so you know, if you see any Posts by *STONEWALL*... he is my husband's "TAM twin"...almost everything this man says is how my husband IS and THINKS... and crazily...his wife sounds JUST LIKE ME. We discovered this some time ago on here.. 



> I like how this thread has explored several things relating to orgasm equality, quantity, importance, and general attitudes.


 It figures a whim question would = a longer running thread for me...it seems most of my threads are bombs...usually not questions though...maybe this is why. ...we all like questions ! 



> The whole quality vs quantity thing for us, I can honestly say that the quality is always very high, so all we really have to work on is the quantity, and the fact that she wants it every day or more tells me she agrees that it is quality too. I never saw any reason to not do it just to not do it. *For us, it's about having making a whole bunch of mind blowing love*.


 True, if we want it *every day*, it's got a lot of QUALITY written all over it..... it's like the words to this Oh so romantic but sexually charged song...  All Over Again - Ronan Keating


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> Seem like it not a matter of who go first but just to make sure both do finish. The consensus seem to be men usually always go but women don't always. That's why some want to make sure the woman goes by putting her first. For some men it is all over once they go.


Only for men who are selfish. Even after orgasm their hands and tougue still work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Only for men who are selfish. Even after orgasm their hands and tougue still work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've never had an issue keeping going after I've had my O, and quite often, after I've taken care of her, I'm ready to go again. The way things work out for us more often than not, regardless who goes first, there is plenty more action after I've gone.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Seriously? That's the only difference??? And you ok with that? My apologies if it's something else going on.


I have a terse conversational style that doesn't always parse well, especially for the women-folk.

Insofar as her orgasm is my shorthand for her being involved in, enjoying, and getting satisfaction from a sexual encounter, then I am sticking to my original answer. Having sex with someone who does not get as much enjoyment from the activity as I do is so uninteresting that I might as well not involve her. If it's a case of "just for me", under most circumstances, I'll take a pass and wait for another opportunity.

But then, I have been blessed with a highly orgasmic wife who only rarely fails to become fully aroused. I might think differently with a different spouse.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

justonelife said:


> LHM - This is exactly what I usually do but from the comments here, it sounds like I'm letting him down or making him feel bad if I don't O.


In your case you O the majority of the time - except these few days...hey that is WONDERFUL [email protected]#$% 

... I agree with LovesHerMan... never fake it.. a man will question everything you've ever done - if he learns this down the road... It's all about communication and getting them to realize - *YOU WANT TO be there with him*...*and it's OK.. it's the emotional bonding experience, this alone is a beautiful thing...so worth the ride... *

Faking it... Refusing our husbands... these are the destroyers... not giving willingly of our bodies...and pleasing him... I would say to show as much enthusiasm as you can on these days you aren't going to make it...this will assure him you so want to be there..and ease any sensitivity he has with it. And let him know you *want him* and furiously in a couple days - he'll be looking forwards to that -with anticipation. 



> *samyeagar said*: I've never had an issue keeping going after I've had my O, and quite often, after I've taken care of her, I'm ready to go again. The way things work out for us more often than not, regardless who goes first, there is plenty more action after I've gone.


 You have to be a young buck to do that... Even when mine was...he could never do what you say here... he still had to wait a good 15 -20 minutes ... can't remember now, it didn't happen often..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The concept of having sex knowing she was not going to have an orgasm is boring and unfulfilling to me.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

LovesHerMan said:


> Never, never, fake an O. You are cheating your husband and yourself when you do. He will begin to doubt the real thing and resent you for making him guess when it is genuine.
> 
> If it ain't happening, just let him know with a touch or a simple statement, "Your turn."
> 
> When Aunt Flo visits, you can do BJ's or HJ's. Some people use a towel beneath them, but that is a personal preference.


Hope this isn't TMI but sometimes Mrs Wysh will stop and I can feel the orgasm inside her like a kind of pulsing. Sometimes I hardly feel a thing sometimes it is amazingly strong.

I suppose she could fake that but it feels totally different to when she practices her Kegels when I am 'there'.

Unfortunately, like Charlie's wife Mrs Wysh has lost some of her oomph. But even then, when she says that I won't get her tonight I manage to surprise her.

To answer the original question, yes of course it is important to me.
But she also likes a good hard seeing too at times.

She told me I was a bully to her last night.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Horizon said:


> Yeah, it's a bloke thing. I can't say where I got this notion from, *my technique as it were, maybe Penthouse or Playboy when I was younger. *Not sure.* But the joint orgasm is the pinnacle for me* but you also have to be realistic.


 Not sure of your age, my husband is 49 and He read the articles in both of those, he found Penthouse quite sick, but viewed enough about STD's to stick with him for life.... and I bet he got his technique from PlayBoy as well .... I've always been happy with it...the Joint Orgasm.... I'd have to say...this is pretty much WHY we just didn't openly talk about SEX -- for 19 long years... We were really quite "vanilla" -yet very satisfied with that. 



> PS: I used to love morning sex, *I have not had morning sex in 18 years*. All too hard (bad pun). *And one must not encourage, cajole or beg their spouse to function outside the square once every blue moon for fear of retribution*.


 You sound like you are in a SexLess marriage (10 or less times a year)..and a possible sensitive "Nice Guy" to boot.. to put up with your wife treating you like this ...

It's just not Ok....May you find some answers to help you deal with this situation so you can find happiness in your marriage..or get out.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I'd say that it is extremely important to me. That's not to say I can't enjoy a quickie or BJ. 
It has caused some strife with us in the past, and as another poster mentioned, I have heard that it puts "pressure" on her to do it, decreasing her enjoyment of the activity on the whole. 
However, the issues were more due to it being weeks since she last got hers (and other things thrown in the mix that I won't go over here). 
I found that she was extremely distraught if I didn't get mine, which I found to be interesting since she didn't understand my feelings if she didn't get it.
As for the BJ/HJ/just for me sex, I think the important thing there is enthusiasm/motivation. If it is just to placate me/shut me up/check the box, I'm not interested. If she honestly is just interested in pleasing me then sure thing (although the reverse would be nice as well).
A key example: We've been doing something non-sexual together, or taking a shower, and she looks at me with no other intimate signs whatsoever and asks "Do you want me to give you a hj/bj?". My answer would normally be no. That doesn't feel right, absolutely makes me feel guilty if I were to say yes (sadly occasionally I have accepted such propositions-I'm weak). 
Contrast that with her coming up, kissing me deeply, then just pulling my pants down and doing whatever, it actually feels like something she wants to do and I won't have anything to say.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

me as a guy personally I prefer my make my wife/girlfriends(in the past) go before me, I have found in the few times that if my wife didn't actually want sex for the orgasm or for the closeness of it then I couldn't go and found the whole experience very annoying and I would just walk away from it. I think its also a pride thing for guys to make their partners orgasm


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You mention your wife going a couple weeks without it... Oh my -- that was NEVER ME.. ..I had to have it at least ONCE a week...and actually I think I masterbated in between that - I was always a light sleeper & got horny in the middle of the night many times....while he was sleeping....


My wife had a very strong swing in her drive related to her cycles. It was at least a week around her period, and sometimes hit the two week mark. Then in the middle of her cycle she'd be very amorous.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am just curious to hear how other couples are...(Wives please answer as well)....
> 
> I think my husband is a little extreme ....more sensitive than the norm...
> 
> ...


how would you feel if your husband did not orgasm most of the time but said thats ok baby it still feels good?

I ask because there seem to be this thought process with some women that their orgasm is not important so its ok if they don't.

I know my wife feels bad when I can't get off.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> how would you feel if your husband did not orgasm most of the time but said thats ok baby it still feels good?
> 
> I ask because there seem to be this thought process with some women that their orgasm is not important so its ok if they don't.
> 
> I know my wife feels bad when I can't get off.


Just speculating but from what a lot of women have said they know when it's just not going to happen and that's why they say it's okay.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

No surprise to you I'm sure SA when I say he is me! Hers is more important than mine. My oral technique is something I am very proud of. I can read every reaction of hers so well during this that I feel like Kresken. Sometimes I will pin her down give her oral till she has gone off 2-4 times and then just get up and say I just wanted to give you that today without getting pleased myself. I love that afterglow of hers and I feel some kind of weird empowerment when I do that.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> When I first started doing them... shame on me - this was just 4 yrs ago..
> (KICK ME - I WANT TO KICK MYSELF...)... Both our faults... I made this asinine comment yrs ago about penis's being "homely"  ...and he told me he sure wasn't going to ask ME to put my mouth on it after that... It wasn't personal .... but well...yeah.. not my brightest moment.
> 
> I asked him once how he felt ..... *he told me he felt "selfish"*... I was like "[email protected]#$" ..... I looked up at him and said "You don't want this?"... I told him to lay back cause I selfishly want to suck him dry, I also tell him to push my head down, I like that! He felt funny about doing that too - for a time, he's gotten better as I keep telling him to do it..
> ...


And the parallel world continues LOL!


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

The three that my wife had last night was very , very important to me 

Usually the intensity decreases with the next one ...... however last night it was rare where her orgasm became stronger anf stronger. The third and last one waking up our boys haaaaaa


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

chillymorn;3354442[B said:


> *how would you feel if your husband did not orgasm most of the time but said thats ok baby it still feels good?*
> 
> I ask because there seem to be this *thought process *with some women that their orgasm is not important so its ok if they don't.
> 
> I know my wife feels bad when I can't get off.


I can't say I have that thought process... Well it's never most of the time but maybe 20 + times in the last 4 yrs he didn't get his ... if it was MOST of the time >> OUCH .....it would drag me down to a very dark place...I NEED his release -- oh yes ... it would drive me [email protected]#$%^ but especially because he is a MAN...they always get off... 

This is not our situation at all, I orgasm 99.9 % of the time. 

I answered this already so many posts back >>


> *Simplyamorous said*: I will always remember the 1st time he didn't "get his"... he told me he could wait till the next day ... ..this took me by surprise... suddenly I felt this wave of sadness wash over me....I just didn't like that at all...Kinda like how he feels... Geeze, we're so much alike!! ...so yeah... I got a taste of how sensitive men are in this thing.
> 
> But as time went on, with this happening here & there (maybe twice a month)....I no longer let it bother me... because I did feel Loved.. wanted...Heck I USED it to my advantage... like "OH Baby, I got one in for me... so now I'll get 2 romps for the price of one!".... and it did make him happy !
> 
> And he knew HIS was right around the corner, so no guilt or feeling bad.


But the situation was ...I was going to get MINE that night .... HE was IN THE MOOD raging yesterday morning.... why in the world would he NOT want to take advantage of a hot release - when I was saying "DO ME".. I wasn't laying there like a board either... I always have heightened enthusiasm.... 

Is it THAT easy for men to SHUT DOWN -when lust has you in it's grip??

For instance.... you guys who look at porn, are you going to tell me, when you get aroused..you walk away ?? or you get off ?? 

My husband, for instance... always looked at porn and DID walk away with a hard one... because even in THAT, he wanted to save every drop of his sexual energy for me... basically this is what he was doing yesterday morning too...yet he could have had 2 releases for the price of one.... that's kinda how I look at it !


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> In your case you O the majority of the time - except these few days...hey that is WONDERFUL [email protected]#$%
> 
> ... I agree with LovesHerMan... never fake it.. a man will question everything you've ever done - if he learns this down the road... It's all about communication and getting them to realize - *YOU WANT TO be there with him*...*and it's OK.. it's the emotional bonding experience, this alone is a beautiful thing...so worth the ride... *
> 
> ...


Let me clarify. I don't feel the decline in energy and desire a lot of men feel when they O. After I go through PiV, I'll keep going for another 5-10 minutes until I am soft inside her, and then move on to hands an mouth all over her body during the refractory period, and yeah, she turns me on so much that I am hard again in fifteen minutes and ready to go again. What I was getting at with my statement, is that our little romp doesn't end at my O because I don't lose interest and roll over and go to sleep.

I never knew that I was different in that until my STBW made a comment about it after the third or fourth time we had sex. She said she really liked the fact that she didn't feel like she had to get up and go clean up in a rush just to try and get some cuddling before I fell asleep.  That I didn't just roll off of her and fall asleep. She is usually the one who falls alseep first, which is something I actually treasure.

I just turned 41 last week.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can't say I have that thought process... Well it's never most of the time but maybe 20 + times in the last 4 yrs he didn't get his ... if it was MOST of the time >> OUCH .....it would drag me down to a very dark place...I NEED his release -- oh yes ... it would drive me [email protected]#$%^ but especially because he is a MAN...they always get off...
> 
> This is not our situation at all, I orgasm 99.9 % of the time.
> 
> ...


It is that easy for some men to shut down. I am one of them. I have looked at porn, gotten rock hard, and walked away. That's exactly what happened the couple of times my STBW took me to the strip club.

I know you know better SA, but some guys are not sexual lust filled robots that get hard with every change in the breeze, and go for their O every chance they get. Some of us have very complex sexuality. I dare say that us men who have complex sexuality have the potential for making our women very very happy if our women take the time and try to figure us out. In your husbands case, he has a woman who has him pretty well figured out, and he took the time to figure you out, and I think you're reaping the benefits  In my case, my STBW is not quite as far down the line as you are, but she is getting there and she has reaped the benefits from day 1 


Men are taught from the beginning, and it is drilled into our heads that women are very complicated sexually, and each woman is different. We have to work to figure them out. Guys know that going in, and some guys really take the time to figure their woman out. Those are the ones with happy women. I don't think wome get the same drilled into them. They are told that guys are just out for one thing. That they get hard at anything. They are always going to cum no matter what. It comes as a huge shock to many women when they realize that that is not true with some men, and it kind of freaks some women out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> No surprise to you I'm sure SA when I say he is me! Hers is more important than mine. My oral technique is something I am very proud of. I can read every reaction of hers so well during this that I feel like Kresken. Sometimes I will pin her down give her oral till she has gone off 2-4 times and then just get up and say I just wanted to give you that today without getting pleased myself. I love that afterglow of hers and I feel some kind of weird empowerment when I do that.


Who is Kresken ? Googled that...nothing stood out but some Magician but the name had an *i* in it. 

2 & 3 times is foreign to me.... it builds and builds...love the building....then she blows... can't do it again. Only once did I get a 2nd and it was less powerful than the 1st. 

Yes, he would talk like this too... but then I might get irritated -wanting him to be a little more selfish/ wanting his own - in sex... Do you know how silly it is to have an argument with your husband to be more SELFISH... we've had these...ha ha 

There is just something about BOTH partners WANTING their own [email protected]#$

Copying & pasting from a post I did on my "Whiny" thread >>>



> *SimplyAmorous said:*
> How Useful is a little SELFISHNESS IN SEX??  We were talking this morning, we've had this discussion before ....I've told him I'd like to feel some "selfishness" from him....in one of my Sex books (written by a Sex Therapist) said this is one area we WANT some selfishness......feeling our partners selfishly want gratified -just as we do - this is at the heart of LUST/ eroticism - it fuels something in us... doesn't it ??
> 
> See, he thinks being selfish is....well....just Selfish, he doesn't even like the word, feels it has no place in SEX at all ...
> ...


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But the situation was ...I was going to get MINE that night .... HE was IN THE MOOD raging yesterday morning.... why in the world would he NOT want to take advantage of a hot release - when I was saying "DO ME".. I wasn't laying there like a board either... I always have heightened enthusiasm....


Well, this is what I was trying (in my ham-fisted way) to say before. My wife is not always in the mood when I am - but once we got our marriage to a place where she was confident I would come back to take care of her needs when she *was* in the mood (I think we're there now), she became more than willing to take care of me at the time. She does enjoy the feeling and the closeness, she loves making me happy, she just may not climax herself. The reverse applies too; I have gotten her there without getting my own. She'll often ask after she's done if I want some. Sometimes I take her up on it, but other times, I am really not in the mood and I am happy just to bring her pleasure. I enjoy being the one that makes her happy and I still feel like it bonds us.

Sexual satisfaction has become a long-term issue - as in, are we satisfied over the long haul, not on a trade-off basis. Trust me, she has no problems letting me know if I am slipping in keeping up my end  and I am much more cognizant of it than I used to be.

I see a lot of guys posting who put huge importance on satisfying their partners. That's honorable but I would ask them to remember their partners probably feel the same way. All that love and satisfaction you feel about your partner enjoying herself, those times it bothers you when she doesn't, that you feel disappointed if she doesn't climax.... She feels all that too, about you. If you're like me, sometimes, you have to remind yourself that people who care about you take as much joy in making you happy as you do for them.

Your partners want to satisfy YOU too ... sometimes even letting you go first at times. So let them. That's the healthy trade off of a healthy relationship.

ETA:

I remember one night when I woke up to her going down on me. When she was done, I asked her if she wanted to orgasm as well. She said she didn't.

I said, "So why did you do that?"

She just smiled and said, "Because I love you."

That meant 10x more to me than the BJ.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Who is Kresken ? Googled that...nothing stood out but some Magician but the name had an *i* in it.
> 
> 2 & 3 times is foreign to me.... it builds and builds...love the building....then she blows... can't do it again. Only once did I get a 2nd and it was less powerful than the 1st.
> 
> ...


He is a magician but his main thing is mind reading.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> *What I was getting at with my statement, is that our little romp doesn't end at my O because I don't lose interest and roll over and go to sleep.*
> 
> I never knew that I was different in that until my STBW made a comment about it after the third or fourth time we had sex. *She said she really liked the fact that she didn't feel like she had to get up and go clean up in a rush just to try and get some cuddling before I fell asleep. That I didn't just roll off of her and fall asleep. * She is usually the one who falls alseep first, which is something I actually treasure.
> 
> I just turned 41 last week.


I wouldn't have thought it -your age ! 

Yes, you are speaking of the "*After-glow*"... I never knew there was a name for THIS until Caribbean Man did a thread on it once here at TAM...



> Urban Dictionary: after glow....
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 My husband is very liberal here.. oh yes! ...much cuddling, fingers through my hair, holding, some verbal mushiness going forth... though if it's getting late.....he'll often say I sucked all his TEST...and before you know it.. he's out !! 



> *samyeagar said*: It is that easy for some men to shut down. I am one of them. I have looked at porn, gotten rock hard, and walked away. That's exactly what happened the couple of times my STBW took me to the strip club.


 We've done the Strip Club too - the 1st time we went, he only had 3 hrs to sleep before getting up for work ...he didn't care, he was in rare form and I ate that up...told him we should go back every week! It was just the heightened new novelty- his 1st time going was at age 45. It wore off about the 3rd trip.. we did it all together, I enjoyed the experience too. 



> I know you know better SA, but *some guys* are not sexual lust filled robots that get hard with every change in the breeze, and go for their O every chance they get. Some of us have very complex sexuality. *I dare say that us men who have complex sexuality have the potential for making our women very very happy if our women take the time and try to figure us out*.
> 
> In your husbands case, he has a woman who has him pretty well figured out, and he took the time to figure you out, and I think you're reaping the benefits In my case, my STBW is not quite as far down the line as you are, but she is getting there and she has reaped the benefits from day 1


 I highly enjoy "the figuring out" ...good you said "SOME MEN"... not all, many want and charge for the release and think purely with their other heads, especially in their youth... in regards to how they run their lives & relationships ....... I would never allow my daughter to think MOST men are like her Father.. not in today's society!! 



> Men are taught from the beginning, and it is drilled into our heads that women are very complicated sexually, and each woman is different. We have to work to figure them out. Guys know that going in, and some guys really take the time to figure their woman out. Those are the ones with happy women.


 I am not sure my husband took a whole lot of time for this to be honest... he is just a good guy, Big heart, naturally Romantic, believes in Playing the "White Knight"... even puts me on a pedestal....to be honest he would have been told he has done everything wrong under the sun, the chick would use him, abuse him, throw him away ......it's just not our story at all. 

I guess I am just a little out of the box, I PREFER those type...I have great respect for them! 



> I don't think women get the same drilled into them. They are told that guys are just out for one thing. That they get hard at anything. They are always going to cum no matter what. *It comes as a huge shock to many women when they realize that that is not true with some men, and it kind of freaks some women out.*


 Because it is surely on the Rarer side... 

Enjoyed your post on this Samyeagar


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I wouldn't have thought it -your age !
> 
> Yes, you are speaking of the "*After-glow*"... I never knew there was a name for THIS until Caribbean Man did a thread on it once here at TAM...
> 
> ...


THis actually hit pretty close to home. My ex wife pretty much did just that...told me I was doing everything wrong under the sun, used me, abused me, and threw me out. The thing is, sexually, looking back on it, I wasn't all that bad for her. Her body sure thought I was pretty damn good, but her words told a different story, and I believed her words.

My STBW, I really didn't have to do much figuring out actually. The very first time I went down on her, our second date, I made her go in five minutes flat, and haven't stopped since. She was extremely surprised because she had always had great difficulty orgasming with oral. With her, it seems everything I do works like a charm. Sure, I have past experience at these things, but it seems much more than that. I think we are just that in sync and very sexually compatible.

ETA: Before we became a couple, we spent copious amount of time talking, so the emotional bond was there, and we really clicked there as well, so I know that fueled the sexual side of things. I had her emotionally figured out pretty well before we even started dating.

We have gone to the strip clubs a couple of times. It was fun for the novelty, and we had a great time. She has tried to get me to have a lap dance, but meh...I'm not overly interested. Honestly, I spent as much time looking at her as I did the naked chicks. I rather enjoyed the lap dance she got however 

ETA: The after glow is something that is important to me too. All the holding, fingers through the hair, stroking her back, sides, breasts, legs. General mushiness...oh yeah..I love it.

Oh yeah, I meant to say thanks for the congrats! I did ask her to marry me, and she said yes  She was taking a candle lit bath when I asked her. The engagement is going to be over a year long as we aren't going to get married until next August. We will have been together over two years at that point. We are just going to go to Vegas and do it. No big production. We just want to be selfish and what we'd spend on a small church wedding, we're going to send on ourselves  We plan on finding a random older couple who look happily married off the street to be our best man and maid of honour


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Before my wife lost the ability to orgasm, I found it almost impossible to orgasm without her...

Now I try to make sex as romantic, gentle and soothing as possible and climax as quickly as possible 3-5 minutes...

the woodchuck


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Her orgasm is incredibly important to me, but I can have one if she doesn't. I try to get her off prior to copulation and when that happens it is usually super hot sex and she has multiple orgasms during foreplay and intercourse. When it doesn't happen I give her a hand when I am done. It is kind of selfish not to, imo. Ideally if I go before she does, and I help her out afterwards, I am turned on enough to do it again. With each of my orgasms though, the next one is more difficult to achieve but also exponentially more intense. There are times when she has multiple orgasms in separate clusters and just has to stop- she says that after several orgasms her genitals are too sensitive. In that case, she lends me a hand to finish. It is about 50/50 who will cum first but with us it is just considered good form to get the other of if u orgasm first.

I am in good shape but am getting older (early 40's) which means though stamina is usually ok, there is the occasional sex-injury. I pulled my hamstring during sex several months ago and it still hurts a lot when I have to squat for any length of time. Now I do stretches and a warm up prior to sex which sounds ridiculous but I am not trying to hurt myself  

I think my point is that the older you get, the more you have to work on keeping in shape even if just for the sake of sex. Not just being in shape but warming up prior. No reason why everyone can't get off and be happy


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

My wife's orgasms are very important to me. They are an indication that what I am doing is working and that I am a effective, and attentive lover. 

They also have a reciprocal effect on me, in that they add more sexual gasoline to the fire. The bigger and better the orgasm for her, the more turned on I become and want to build her up to the next one.

I can hold my own, and wait. I prefer watching the greatest show on earth first.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

Very important to me. I probably enjoy knowing I can get my wife off as much as she wants over my own pleasure. I am a one shot man (only gone twice 2 times in 25 years)


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband could care less if i O... And it has been a very long time since I have during sex


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

ladybird said:


> My husband could care less if i O... And it has been a very long time since I have during sex


Sorry to hear that. I think all of us on here know how hurtfull sexual insensitivities can be.

My own wifes orgasms are extremely important to me and always have been. Though lately she seems to have a way of making me have less and less self esteem sexually.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am just curious to hear how other couples are...(Wives please answer as well)....
> 
> I think my husband is a little extreme ....more sensitive than the norm...
> 
> ...


My wife having an orgasm or orgasms is very importanr to me. It is part of the bonding. It does not have to be every time. However, sex is best when she does. IF she were to not orgasm over a period of time, I would question our sex life.

I guess years ago guys were ok with their wives not getting off and them going to the doctor to have it done by him. LOL. Messed up.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

ladybird said:


> My husband could care less if i O... And it has been a very long time since I have during sex


 So sorry to hear Ladybird.....is this something that changed over the years, or was their clues his OWN was his primary concern from the get go... I would think men who care deeply as many have expressed here ...this is something ingrained in them ...very close to their heart....this is why I ask.. if you feel he has changed ...or was it a struggle for you at one time... he gave up.... what happened?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Entropy3000 said:


> *I guess years ago guys were ok with their wives not getting off and them going to the doctor to have it done by him*. LOL. Messed up.


I found an article on that here >

Vibrators and Clitoridectomies: How Victorian Doctors Took Control of Womenâ€™s Orgasms

A movie made about this last year (haven't seen this one yet).... 



> Hysteria: Movies & TV
> 
> HYSTERIA is a romantic comedy wrapped around the surprising story of the first electro-mechanical vibrator, invented by happenstance at a time when the very peak of Victorian prudishness coincided with the dawn of the electrical age. London. 1880. Dr. Mortimer Granville (Dancy) is torn between the "proper" doctor's staid and static world of success and acceptance and a more progressive and fulfilling, but frowned upon, experience. Tossed out for his forward-thinking ideas by the medical establishment, Granville finds a position with Dr. Robert Dalrymple, a highly respected and successful doctor, with a very popular private practice specializing in treating women diagnosed with Hysteria.


A little history >>


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

So appreciate all your responses on this thread ... Overwhelmingly - this is important to men.... So important it can cause issues when the female orgasm is elusive...

If anyone may be interested...thought I'd list a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>* 

I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide: 

Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm: 

The Elusive Orgasm: A Woman's Guide to Why She Can't and How She Can Orgasm: 

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman: 

Sex Woman First: How to teach him You come first (Guide to Female Orgam) 

 Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women 

How to Have an Orgasm . . . As Often As You Want: Life-Changing Sexual Secrets for Women and Their Partners: 

Orgasms: How to Have Them, Give Them, and Keep Them Coming: 

Super Sexual Orgasm: Discover the Ultimate Pleasure Spot: The Cul-de-Sac: 

 Tantric Orgasm for Women

The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution: 










Sex Study Says Female Orgasm Eludes Majority of Women ... mentions the great great Niece of Napoleon who underwent 2 experimental surgeries in order to find climatic release... some feel it could be a simple measurement -- a "rule of thumb" -- being the key to the pleasures of sexual intercourse.

Says approx 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone -- that is without the extra help of sex toys, hands or tongue. And 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances. 



> Understanding The Female Orgasm - AskMen (small part of the article)...
> 
> Clitoris
> 
> ...


Then stories like this ...


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm in the same boat sort of,SA.As a matter of fact,SO and I were just discussing this yesterday afternoon.
> Like your H,SO is completely focused on my orgasms.He doesn't feel complete unless I've had at LEAST one.
> 
> He's literally obsessed with making sure I have the most pleasurable experience possible.EVERY TIME.
> ...


 men hear too many stories of MEN that don't cut it. and women know how to cut a man dead with words. the PROPER EFFORT IS WHAT IS NEEDED.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Just a note out there to all the men who are not satisfied if their woman doesn't orgasm...

Be careful, that can be a selfish act in and of itself!

My wife is going through menopause and is finding it more and more difficult to orgasm. She still totally enjoys them, but it takes quite a bit of time and a good deal of concentration and mental effort on her part. Feeling like she has to get there for MY benefit only adds pressure, and we all know that pressure is very counterproductive to getting there.

So, if your partner says it's OK if she doesn't orgasm every time and that sometime she just enjoys the other feelings and closeness, then believe her and don't force the issue. And do not withhold sex if you think its not going to happen that time.

I'm not saying to get into a habit where the man is the only reaching orgasm, but also accept that both partners can still feel very satisfied and fulfilled if it doesn't happen for her at times.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

Very important. 

It seems I'm the only one here who don't get to experience one.  I'm in the process of letting it go since I've tried everything else.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

ladybird said:


> My husband could care less if i O... And it has been a very long time since I have during sex


now this is sad...
if ur hubby's not even bothered to satisfy your sexual needs, I dread to think about his overall responsibilities as a husband or even a future dad...

then my question to you, why are u still allowing him to treat you nothing more than a ragdoll? Stop giving-in to him!!!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Sort of late to this thread, but I’m one who usually doesn’t care if my wife O’s or not. And it’s helped our sex life immensely.

Why? Because I used to care. And she got lazy in the sack. If she didn’t O, it was my fault. I had to initiate everything, ask for position and face rejection. I was blamed if she didn’t O. I was blamed if I lasted too long, or went to fast. Everything was on me. Basically what she did over time was dump our entire sex life on my shoulders and just did the “gatekeeper role”then blame me for anything that went wrong or take credit herself if it went great.. 

That changed. Basically I decided if I was initiating sex and she was “letting me”, then this round of sex was for me only; I owed her nothing. So I had fun, tried to break the bed, blew, and left her unsatisfied; I learned to be selfish. 

Of coarse she got mad as soon as she felt “used”. And I threw it out there; If she wants to O, then she’d better do something about that and take some responsibility for herself. “Letting me” is much, much different than taking a part. And it includes her being a participant rather than just a vessel hoping I ‘get it right and pleasure her’.... The result is ... um ... WOW. She really works it now to get off. 

Not really ‘great’ yet. The sex itself is much better, I’m still the one though that initiates everything and has yet to be seduced.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why is this thread only about wives?

What about girlfriends or casual sex partners?

I was going to answer but I'm not married anymore.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Why is this thread only about wives?
> 
> What about girlfriends or casual sex partners?
> 
> I was going to answer but I'm not married anymore.


Really?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Really?


I don't know- ok I guess I'll answer. I just thought the thread title was worded somewhat strangely.

I prefer for my girlfriend to orgasm, it makes me feel like I've done my job and satisfied her and I can now proceed to have my own orgasm which I prefer to obtain via a BJ which I feel I've earned after she's been satisfied. Although she tells me she doesn't always need to orgasm to enjoy sex and get a release and she's more than happy to blow me regardless.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

Interesting thread tagging for later


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I don't know- ok I guess I'll answer. I just thought the thread title was worded somewhat strangely.
> 
> I prefer for my girlfriend to orgasm, it makes me feel like I've done my job and satisfied her and I can now proceed to have my own orgasm which I prefer to obtain via a BJ which I feel I've earned after she's been satisfied. Although she tells me she doesn't always need to orgasm to enjoy sex and get a release and she's more than happy to blow me regardless.


Glad you answered. I don't think SA intended for her thread title to exclude anyone with good input regardless of gender or marital status  This thread has had plenty of un married men, and several women post as well.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I can say we've come full circle on this issue now. I've now found out my wife really doesn't like one sided sex where she's the only one that "gets off" and I don't. 

She's wanting it more than I am. Sometimes more than I'm able. No erectile problems (knock on wood), but I can't orgasm more than twice in a day on a sustained basis. I'm more than happy for her to enjoy herself. It feels good, I love seeing her happy and I enjoy the feelings and closeness. Sorry if it sounds like a woman there 

But nope, she doesn't like it at all. Turns out she feels the same way, her seeing my excitement and enjoyment is a big part to her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lenzi said:


> I don't know- ok I guess I'll answer.* I just thought the thread title was worded somewhat strangely.*
> 
> I prefer for my girlfriend to orgasm, it makes me feel like I've done my job and satisfied her and I can now proceed to have my own orgasm which I prefer to obtain via a BJ which I feel I've earned after she's been satisfied. Although she tells me she doesn't always need to orgasm to enjoy sex and get a release and she's more than happy to blow me regardless.



Really didn't think my wording would blow someone off...or that it was all that strange....I am a wife, so I happened to use the term "wife"...this in no way should dissuade one from answering...

I will never forget this one young man ...he wasn't married yet...found his post on a health forum - before I ever landed here...I tried to find it but couldn't - to give a link...just never forget it...but anyway..

This man was going out of his mind trying to get his girlfriend to orgasm.. he tried everything, he was beside himself... he didn't think he could remain with her...if he couldn't get her off...it deeply bothered him....a desperate post.. I kinda felt for the guy...he was so sincere, and heartfelt really...

He started to get all these answers that he was on an EGO trip... to leave her alone, get over himself... stuff like that.... but what I seen in his write up was something completely different... how giving he was...how badly he wanted to please her.. .and bring her with him.... I sympathized with the guy...

I don't know.. I don't feel men who care deeply are all on some ego trip.... it rubs me the wrong way when I hear women talk like that.... I don't think they "get" men... cause if these roles were reversed, I dare say us women would handle it much worse - in fact. 

But then again.. Nature Dave's post is also full of wisdom... so in all things, there is a balance... as to not pressure... we should be able to reveal and speak openly with our lovers just how we feel though too, without being ridiculed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lenzi said:


> Why is this thread only about wives?
> 
> What about girlfriends or *casual sex partners*?
> 
> I was going to answer but I'm not married anymore.


You mentioned Casual sex ...speaking of relationship types... I came across this....


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Wow! Glad I'm no longer in hook up mode


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That chart is the reason that a "study" on random men or women approaching other random men or women on the street and offering "free sex" means nothing about a woman's sex drive. How is a woman supposed to get excited about an offer of a random hook up with a stranger?

Whereas, many men might accept the offer...which I feel isn't that surprising since most men can reliably orgasm, even in a random hook up.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Really didn't think my wording would blow someone off...or that it was all that strange....I am a wife, so I happened to use the term "wife"...this in no way should dissuade one from answering...
> 
> I will never forget this one young man ...he wasn't married yet...found his post on a health forum - before I ever landed here...I tried to find it but couldn't - to give a link...just never forget it...but anyway..
> 
> ...


Absolutely SPOT ON SA! I think that many women were taught that men are just walking hard ons and only after one thing. THey never made the effort to think any differently because it's easier, and takes less effort that way.

What I am about to say will undoubtably ruffle some feathers, but I think that some women's laziness when it comes to understanding men is in large part why they are complaining about their inability to orgasm.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Care to expand on that samyeager? I can't get my feathers ruffled because I don't understand what you mean.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You mentioned Casual sex ...speaking of relationship types... I came across this....


My STBW O'd five minutes into our first time together...she says that's part of the reason she decided to keep me


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Care to expand on that samyeager? I can't get my feathers ruffled because I don't understand what you mean.


Simply the fact that many women assume that men are walking sex robots with only one thing on their mind, and they don't bother to figure out what makes a man tick sexually. I think they are simply too lazy to take the time.

If you enter sex assuming the man will instantly be ready to go, and is only after his own O, and assume that's how the encounter will go, of course the woman's going to have a difficult time getting her O with that mind block already in place. If she assumes his only interest in her O is to stroke his own ego...same thing.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I want to address the word 'lazy'.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm probably not alone when I say that not being able to orgasm with a partner is embarrassing. So, it's not that I'm lazy - I simply don't feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

Just as men aren't robots, neither are women. 

When I read the comments from men who're saying that if a woman doesn't orgasm, they're not interested, what I hear is that I'm unloveable and worthless. And that's why in college I lied, and, even though I won't, it's tempting to lie now.

Also, I feel a huge amount of pressure to perform, and I feel that the expectation is that I not only be orgasmic (and if I'm multi-orgasmic I get extra points) but I need to do it quickly.

I don't know if it's an appropriate analogy, but I picture my feelings being similar to a man who has erectile dysfunction. It's very painful, and I'm hyper-aware that I'm not 'normal'.

I've explained this elsewhere, but I don't know if I deleted it. 

I believe that because of my experiences with a handful of male family members, my orgasms became compartmentalized as being separate from sex with a man. From a young age, men who should have been protecting me were instead using me to entertain themselves.

I do orgasm alone, but I've only had them twice in my life with men. Both through oral and both with men I felt a momentary safety with.

So, the point of my post is that when a woman is passive or silent about this part of her sexuality, it may not be indifference. She may be hiding in fear of rejection or abandonment or shame - and she may not even realize it.

Personally, I would enjoy being able to share this part of myself with a man because I love sex and the intimacy and the connection, but I know it'll take a lot of trust and patience on both sides.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

minimalME said:


> I want to address the word 'lazy'.
> 
> I can only speak for myself, but I'm probably not alone when I say that not being able to orgasm with a partner is embarrassing. So, it's not that I'm lazy - I simply don't feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this. I can feel through your words the difficulties you have faced.

When I speak and write, I am always conscious of using absolutes and try not to becase there are always exceptions to what I say, and you are one of them. I want you to know that your situation is not what I was addressing, so I hope you did not feel singled out.

As you have seen, many men who have posted here truly care about their partners orgasm. Not as some trophy, ego boost, or sign of being a great lover. It is because they genuinely care about their partner. 

That caring from men is an alien concept to many women because many women have been conditioned to think that men do not care about their partners. Any woman who believes that is doing themselves a great disservice because as you very eloquently put it, a woman needs to feel safe enough to let herself go. If she does not take the time to understand her partners motivation, and believes the common wisdom, it's no wonder she won't feel safe enough to O. That is not the mans fault.

I suspect that many of the women here who have very rich and fulfilling sex lives have partners who care deeply about their pleasure, and their men have taken the time to figure out their women. Those women have likely taken the time to figure out their men as well.

I think it all comes down to communication and a willingness to put aside our conditioning and preconceived notions and truly know our partners. Taking the time, and putting in the effort to do that is not always easy. It does take time and effort, but the rewards are so great.

I think partners who are not willing to do that, who want to hold onto the conventional wisdom, and then complain, are lazy because they are not willing to put in the effort. It's a whole lot easier to blame someone else than to look inside and try and do something about it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Oh, no. I didn't feel singled out at all - just offering a different perspective. 

I agree with what you've shared, and it would be wonderful to experience the type reciprocal relationship you've described where both people feel fully relaxed, calm and safe. 

Creating an atmosphere of mutual learning and understanding that allows a couple the freedom to give and take would be amazing.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Oh, no. I didn't feel singled out at all - just offering a different perspective.
> 
> I agree with what you've shared, and it would be wonderful to experience the type reciprocal relationship you've described where both people feel fully relaxed, calm and safe.
> 
> Creating an atmosphere of mutual learning and understanding that allows a couple the freedom to give and take would be amazing.


Both men and women have been conditioned...men to believe that most women can't orgasm, and if they can, it's going to be a lot of work. Women to believe that men are walking hard ons, and only care about their own pleasure, and don't give a crap about their partner beyond their own ego.

Sad that so many people are too lazy to bother taking the time to figure things out for themselves...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeager said: "Simply the fact that many women assume that men are walking sex robots with only one thing on their mind, and they don't bother to figure out what makes a man tick sexually. I think they are simply too lazy to take the time.

If you enter sex assuming the man will instantly be ready to go, and is only after his own O, and assume that's how the encounter will go, of course the woman's going to have a difficult time getting her O with that mind block already in place. If she assumes his only interest in her O is to stroke his own ego...same thing."


I'm with you, and all the men I've ever actually had sex with were not "simple robots". HOWEVER....it is the men themselves who proclaim they actually ARE walking hard on's. This is stated by men over and over right here on this board....and in this section.

All the "give him a bj and a sandwich and he's happy" crap I've read has mostly come from MEN.

Whereas, my husband is so different than this, has deep emotional needs, is self-aware, and would be insulted to be offered "just a bj and a sandwich". 

Do you see how it is at least confusing for women when men are the ones who want to make it seem like they ARE walking hard on's?

I know things are confusing for men, too. But I'm just asking you to take note of just how many men are saying this around here and elsewhere.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Both men and women have been conditioned...men to believe that most women can't orgasm, and if they can, *it's going to be a lot of work*. Women to believe that men are walking hard ons, and only care about their own pleasure, and don't give a crap about their partner beyond their own ego.
> 
> Sad that so many people are too lazy to bother taking the time to figure things out for themselves...


Well, I can be honest and say that it will be a lot of work. 

But I don't mind the effort, and I do know it's worth it. 

A fantasy I've had is just days in a hotel room, where we do nothing but relax, go slow and take our time. I would enjoy that a lot.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

LOL. There's times my husband doesn't even care if I'm awake. Usually that's only very early morning (like 4 am) & I can barely open my eyes. Then its just for him. Theres no foreplay and we both know I won't climax so its just a quicky for him.

Now, any other time, it is very important to my husband to make me O. Aside from his early morning quickies my husband is a very generous lover and wants me to climax before he does.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> *All the "give him a bj and a sandwich and he's happy" crap I've read has mostly come from MEN.*
> 
> Whereas, my husband is so different than this, has deep emotional needs, is self-aware, and would be insulted to be offered "just a bj and a sandwich".
> 
> Do you see how it is at least confusing for women when men are the ones who want to make it seem like they ARE walking hard on's?


Oh Goodness, even I talk like this Faithful wife....I'm so guilty !! it's because I DIDN'T give my husband a worthy BJ for so many years...and I learned after we opened up the sex dialog.....he felt less loved by me...... even though he didn't say a word to me.. if we adore and worship this part of their bodies...My oh My, what that does for a man!!! 

Even HIM...the quiet one who is so wrapped up in the Emotional - unselfishly putting himself down -insisting on waiting for me... even he told me an enthusiastic BJ would be in his top 3 list of Life's greatest pleasures/ rewards/ gifts/ enjoyment (however that question was asked on a previous thread here)...so I got his take ...he grinned real big and said.."Yep, I feel that way too"  

Men feel greatly loved by our *desire *and *want *for them.... I'll never feel differently on that one...when in a committed loving relationship that is..where they have shown they want to take us with them, seeking to satisfy all our pleasure areas....because they are wrapped in the emotional with us....it goes both ways here...

This speaks when they take their sweet time - giving us as much reassurance and foreplay as we may need...this is even a pleasure for them ....this should allow us to open us like a "delicate flower" unto them...and receive ...... 

It's not something you are going to get in a "casual sex" setting though.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bubbly girl said:


> LOL. There's times my husband doesn't even care if I'm awake. Usually that's only very early morning (like 4 am) & I can barely open my eyes. Then its just for him. Theres no foreplay and we both know I won't climax so its just a quicky for him.


 Gotta love this post Bubbly Girl... many women would never allow something like this... he hit the jackpot with you !! 

Hey, men are antsy HORNY in the am...that's the way it is [email protected]#$% ... I'd be thrilled if my husband would do something like this... It would even turn me on, I'd wake up & say "Oh yeah... DO ME BABY!"... but I'll never see the day.. he just wouldn't, what can you do! 



> Now, any other time,* it is very important to my husband to make me O. Aside from his early morning quickies my husband is a very generous lover and wants me to climax before he does*.


 And this right HERE makes all the difference in the world... I am sure a huge factor in why you are so willingly there for him those early 4 ams... even if you are half asleep... love it !


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SA...that wasn't my point at all. YES I think husbands should get blow jobs....and sandwiches for that matter!

All I was saying is that it is sometime MEN who proclaim that a sandwich and a bj is ALL they need to be happy.

There is no way that ONLY a bj and a sandwich would make my husband happy. He requires much more than that...he needs my love and devotion and emotional participation in marriage. He needs my caring and my support. He needs my stimulating intellect. He needs my humor and light-heartedness and my patience and my understanding. He needs my support, my admiration, my respect.

THESE things I am talking about are far more important to my husband than a bj or a sandwich.

That's what I meant.

Bj's and sandwiches are little things that just add to the happiness of my man. The big things are the important ones.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

^^^^
A nearby radio station occasionally has a ploy where they go on the busses/subways giving women steak for "steak and beej day" and play all the responses on the radio when they have to explain the beej part.....then they'll ask for their steak back if the woman doesn't promise to follow thru...pretty funny

To answer the original question, hers is more important than mine, I don't feel wanted without it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Faithful Wife said:


> SA...that wasn't my point at all. YES I think husbands should get blow jobs....and sandwiches for that matter!
> 
> All I was saying is that it is sometime MEN who proclaim that a sandwich and a bj is ALL they need to be happy.


Of course....you know we both understand the majority of men landing here are suffering sexually.... so they come off like that in their posts.... it makes sense to me....the BJ & some enthusiastic Pleasuring is too often a main course they hunger for - but is such a rare occurrence. 

Case in point, just today...husband comes home & tells me a co-worker was going on about how he went on vacation & had the best BJ he's ever had in his life....husband told him he better take her back there... I guess he hasn't had one in over a year or so ... 

So many threads here by men...start out how wonderful their wives are in every way, Loving mother... bla bla bla.....then they get to the heart of the matter....it's very sad. 

When the sex life dips to only a thread of excitement to look forward to - and that dangling... it is going to feel like 90% of their problems and their posts sound hyper sexualized...as for them, this *is* what they crave the most in this world....the BJ and they add the steak in the mix. 

Of course we all need a bushel load more...every one of those 10 emotional needs talked about in "*His Needs/ Her Needs*"... that is THE BOOK of wisdom for every couple - to live, learn & love by it's precepts.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Faithful Wife, I think you are over thinking and taking too literally the "all I need is a BJ and a sandwich" comments.

SA, is right. Many men, (I for one), have come to TAM because their sexual needs are not being met, or are even coming close to being met for whatever reasons. And these situations have been described as lasting for many months or even years. 

When men state that "All I really need is a BJ and a sandwich." What they are saying is that since they aren't receiving any sexual attention, they would be happy just to get the simplest of sexual responses from their partner, just as a sandwich is a simple form of a meal. 

Men are simple creatures and it doesn't take much to make us happy, especially if we have been starved from such a basic human need for a long period of time.

When you go without food for several days, you would be grateful just to receive a slice of bread if that was all that was offered. Sure a seven course meal with all the trimmings would be fantastic, but you just know that isn't going to happen.


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

Well, after yet again another disappointing nite with my DH last nite where he just couldn't even pace himself to get to PIV, I think it is safe to say in our house the answer is not very important. It really kills me that he will just ignore me after it happens, not even a concellation attempt. Nice, real nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

It's important but I try not to think about it. Sex is for pleasure, for fun, for intimacy, for doing something that has no other goal than just doing it.

If I thought about my wife's orgasm and worked hard to make her have one, then sex would turn into a project and I wouldn't be able to relax. I have enough projects in my life. Making sex out to be another would take away a lot. I want to relax! 

My wife insists on spontaneity. She hates sex-turned-routine, so it works out well.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Batman4691 said:


> Faithful Wife, I think you are over thinking and taking too literally the "all I need is a BJ and a sandwich" comments.
> 
> SA, is right. Many men, (I for one), have come to TAM because their sexual needs are not being met, or are even coming close to being met for whatever reasons. And these situations have been described as lasting for many months or even years.
> 
> ...



Before my wedding my mom gave me some advice. 

*"If you want to keep your husband happy always keep his belly full and never tell him you have a headache."*

She was a smart woman. Best advice she could have given me. No, I don't believe literally that those are the ONLY things a man needs, but I do believe those are things that are important in a marriage (mainly the sex). In my mind it's a simple way to say "These are his BASIC needs. Make sure you take care of them."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Batman...you don't seem to get me at all. I have read everything. This forum isn't my first rodeo. I do not misunderstand anything. I was posting my OWN thoughts on the matter. I have read stories of every kind of sexless situation for 10 years now. I've read all the books. I really get it, trust me. But again...the two posts you are trying to tell me "I don't really get it" about were 1. in response to another post, and 2. where I was making my OWN point.

Kindly stop telling me what I do and don't know, since you clearly aren't paying all that much attention to all of my posts, just some of them which you want to hammer me on.

Trust me, I will happily stop talking to you to if you'll do me the same courtesy. I have no problem in the fact that you are sick of me and don't want to hear me. But it is annoying for you to try to school me on something when you have no clue what I KNOW and don't know.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> ... I have read everything. This forum isn't my first rodeo. I do not misunderstand anything...


I'm sure glad you take the time to come on here and share all of your wisdom with us FW. Occasionally, just occasionally, you could pretend that some others of us here have an insight to share as well (even if it differs from your view).


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Batman...you don't seem to get me at all. I have read everything. This forum isn't my first rodeo. I do not misunderstand anything. I was posting my OWN thoughts on the matter. I have read stories of every kind of sexless situation for 10 years now. I've read all the books. I really get it, trust me. But again...the two posts you are trying to tell me "I don't really get it" about were 1. in response to another post, and 2. where I was making my OWN point.
> 
> Kindly stop telling me what I do and don't know, since you clearly aren't paying all that much attention to all of my posts, just some of them which you want to hammer me on.
> 
> Trust me, I will happily stop talking to you to if you'll do me the same courtesy. I have no problem in the fact that you are sick of me and don't want to hear me. But it is annoying for you to try to school me on something when you have no clue what I KNOW and don't know.


Sorry, you feel this way, and I get it. You are a strong personality here, but you aren't going to bully me around like you do with some on TAM. I've dealt with bullies for most of my career and they don't intimidate me, so stop trying.

I agree, please happily stop talking to me, and I will gladly do the same.


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## oldnotbald (Oct 16, 2014)

Making her come is the foremost aspect in my conjugal life. Man has it every time... but when it comes to the wife, there must be genuine desire in the man, to make her come every time they make love. I say genuine desire, because rarely that may fail... that depends on the physical aspects... but such occasions shall not be repetitive...
Any how in my case I use alternative methods to get her share...!


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

oldnotbald said:


> Making her come is the foremost aspect in my conjugal life. Man has it every time... but when it comes to the wife, there must be genuine desire in the man, to make her come every time they make love. I say genuine desire, because rarely that may fail... that depends on the physical aspects... but such occasions shall not be repetitive...
> Any how in my case I use alternative methods to get her share...!


Zombie alert!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> SA...that wasn't my point at all. YES I think husbands should get blow jobs....and sandwiches for that matter!
> 
> All I was saying is that it is sometime MEN who proclaim that a sandwich and a bj is ALL they need to be happy.
> 
> .


the samwich and bj is just a joke response. I think many men really try hard for a wife to cum. If she can not have a PIV sex orgasm, they try masturbation, erotic foreplay, cunnilingus, whatever SHE hints that she wants to try.

The problem comes in when she does not hint. Just kind of lays there and is dissatisfied. If she said "i am not going to cum that way, try using this toy/your finger/your tongue/tying me up"...that the guy gets the message and shifts into high gear.

That is NOT the time for the wife to be shy about her desires!


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