# No sex for 2+ weeks...



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Husband and I had 2 really great encounters just over 2 weeks ago and now nothing again. Its like he was just doing it for "due diligence's" sake. Being a high drive wife on here, I understand how alot of you men feel. I think he is cheating on me, no man has this low of an interest in his wife. Especially a sexually charged and imaginative lovemaker like himself.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

And I ask again..."Where did all these high sex drive Women come from?!?!"
Seriously, why do people always suspect that their spouse is cheating on them? How little trust do you have in your husband? Has he cheated on You before?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

I think I matched up with the wrong woman !!!!


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Yes, he had an emotional affair... actually he had been having it for the past 8 years and I didnt know the context of their communications until last year (they were also sexual for about 6 months). He also said to me last fall, which completely broke my trust... "I could sleep with anyone and you would never know." So, ever since he said that, I have no trust in him. SOmetimes I can put it out of my mind and not think about it, but underlying that is no trust as he has not tried to make ammends for that comment to rebuild my trust and has since done nothing but push me away and withhold sex for punishment. You know my story.


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## GeekinDisguise (Mar 24, 2010)

He sounds like a dog.

Sorry to say that but as a person in a marriage where getting my wife to want sex is a constant battle that I am losing, hearing about someone who doesnt appreciate a wife that does want to have sex with him is annoying .

Im not sure in what context it was that he said he could sleep with anyone and you would never know, but that seems a very odd thing for a faithful man to say.

i know absolutely nothing about him or your situation but my first impression was that he was the kind of guy that lacked emotional maturity. 

But I could be totally off on that. What I can say with conviction is that you need to communicate with him. 

From a male's standpoint.. withholding sex from your wife is not always an issue of unfaithfulness. Ive had friends who did not want to have sex with their wife for a number of reasons, most of them boiling down to a wounded ego.

Sometimes the wife inadvertently (or intentionally) insulted is prowess in bed, his "size", or compared him unfavorably to an old lover.

Others.. and more common ive found.. have had their manhood robbed due to the wifes/girlfriends sharp tongue. Specifically.. his girl treated him as a child, berated him, unmanned him, etc..etc.. 

Right now I actually have a cousin who I suspect is withholding sex from his wife specifically because she is a high sex drive woman, and she treats him like a child. She really wants sex, and since he feels that she has no respect for him or his role as the man, the only way that he can exert control over her is to deny her sex. 

its petty.. but a man can be petty and spiteful in such a situation. "Treat me like a child and ill act like one" 


No matter what your specific situation is though.. the key is going to be communication. If he loves you then he should be willing to sit down with you and discuss a problem. The important thing is that you both go into it with the understanding that you will be completely honest, but not hurtful. People who love each other should always seek to preserve the other persons feelings... but of course, you must be honest as well.

Early in our marriage my wife and I found that if we sat down and both made a list of 5 things in our relationship that were bothering us, and 5 things that we were happy about...and then shared our list with each other... as incredibly corny and juvenile as that might sound, it was a good way to open up and be honest with each other... and it gave us a lot of insight.

You might consider trying something like that after yall talk, if he is willing.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Geek in disguise, although Im still digesting your post, I am humbled by it. Yes, my husband has felt berated by me... wrongly IMO as I was only trying to communicate my hurt and rejected feelings, but nonetheless that is how he took in what I was saying. Communication is giving and receiving. He was receiving it in a way it was not intended at all. Any attempt to try to clarify and let him know that was not what I inteded him to hear, was taken as drilling him. I would say Im not trying to hurt you or make you angry Im trying to let you know how I feel... still Im the B and he is the victim, in his mind.

Really, the only thing left to do for now is not talk to him at all (bc talking in any way shape or form was/is taken wrong), so that there is nothing to be misinterpreted. So, Im not talking. That is working for him, but making me emotionally exit the marriage. I hope that by the time he is "happy enough" with us again, Im not checked out completely. The problem on my side is that he has completely denied that he has hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me and insulted me... so that HE has nothing to make up for... only me. That's why Im checking out as Im giving what he wants and hes sitting pretty... he doesnt believe in making amends... and certainly HE doesnt have anything to make ammends for (in his mind). 

So yes on both fronts. I hope I can hold out as I have little if any feelings left... I still find it completely humiliating to be in a marriage with a man I am not allowed to seduce in any way other than going straight to his part... cant do a sexy dance, cant flirt over txt, cant dress up... cant cant cant. SO many rules.


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## GeekinDisguise (Mar 24, 2010)

Well I cant speak to the entirety of your marriage and what is going on in his head and such.. but a couple things from your post that I would like to comment on.




Choose2love said:


> The problem on my side is that he has completely denied that he has hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me and insulted me... so that HE has nothing to make up for... only me. That's why Im checking out as Im giving what he wants and hes sitting pretty... he doesnt believe in making amends... and certainly HE doesnt have anything to make ammends for (in his mind).


A completely selfish viewpoint on his part. Marriage is never that cut and dry. He may feel that he has done nothing wrong.. but in my experience, even if one person is much more at fault than the other, there is never a time where one person was entirely in the right. And on those incredibly rare and glorious occasions where my wife was wrong and I knew I had a big apology coming my way, i would never make her work for my forgiveness. Every relationship is different I guess, but belittling your spouse by making them grovel for forgiveness while you sit on your high horse is never a positive stance to take... unless your spouse is SERIOUSLY into S&M and gets off on being abused... which I would question how healthy that person is mentally even so .

Ive also never experienced any conflict in my marriage where not talking to each other was the best route to take. Honest communication is the only way that both parties are going to be satisfied in the relationship.



Choose2love said:


> I still find it completely humiliating to be in a marriage with a man I am not allowed to seduce in any way other than going straight to his part... cant do a sexy dance, cant flirt over txt, cant dress up... cant cant cant. SO many rules.


That makes no sense to me. If you love your wife and are attracted to her, then having her go out of her way to seduce you would seem like a treat. Its something ive always craved and never experienced in my life hah. My wife doesnt believe in flirting... but loves romance....... yeah i dont understand that one either. 

There has to be a reason for this.. I mean every man has his quirks in the bedroom. Maybe he is uncomfortable with a sexy dance.. which I can understand... and maybe dressing up is just too corny for him... aaaand maybe he is afraid others will see a sexy text and he will be embarrassed? Yeah I dunno i feel like im grasping for straws but it takes all kinds so who knows.

The point is.. no healthy man who loves his wife is going to deny her the opportunity to seduce him. Perhaps he just wants you to seduce him in other ways. Sounds like something that needs to be discussed. 

You also said that he was in contact with another woman for 8 years without your knowledge. Im not sure how that worked for them but I can only imagine that some form of seduction on her part had to be happening, and he must have enjoyed it for it to go on that long. So there MUST be something that he is interested in on that account.

Unless the thing that turned him on was being with another woman.. in which case the man has problems and.... well, I personally do not believe in divorce, but ive also never been in your situation. Perhaps my tune would change if I experienced that kind of hurt myself.



Choose2love said:


> Really, the only thing left to do for now is not talk to him at all (bc talking in any way shape or form was/is taken wrong), so that there is nothing to be misinterpreted.


See.. thats never a good answer. But if everything you say is being taken as berating, and he is completely closed off to it.. then a third party might be in order.

You may want to present the possibility of marriage counseling to him, specifically so that he has someone that can hear his side and your side, and help both of you to understand where the other one is coming from without anyone feeling like they are being talked down to.

It also never hurts to stroke a mans ego.. so saying something like "I love you and I hate that you feel like im berating you. I just want to explain how I feel but I guess I just dont understand how to do it correctly. If you would be willing to go to a counselor with me so that I can get some advice on how to talk to you like a wife SHOULD talk to her husband, then we can both be happier".

Yeah I know it sticks in the craw but us guys are so wonderfully easy to manipulate when you play the part of the girl who just wants to please us .


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

We have been to therapy, I still see the counselor alone as he stopped going because "all we talked about was sex."

Wow, that thing about being turned on by the other woman, or something risky... never thought of that and it is a possibility. I am the 4th woman he has dated in the last 7 years who was going through a divorce or separated. I think you are right, maybe it has to do with having the woman that he shouldnt have? Now that he has a woman/wife that he can have... he doesnt want the one he can have...? Maybe thats why he is still not over having to cut off contact with the woman he couldnt have..... eureka... or YIKES... I dont know which one to say actually if this is true, its really f-d up.

We have talked about how I could seduce him and he said the only way is for me to go right to his part... down there. That means none of my kissing, undressing... nada turns him on... which translates to me someone who is not into me... or thats what it communicates loud and clear.

The entirity of our marriage has been under 9 months.... not off to any kind of start... and this all started before we got married he made promises to change and get over his resentment at not being able to talk to this other woman and that we would have sex. The day after we got married (no sex the night we got married) he woke up and said "I guess we better consumate the marriage." I called an attorney later that week when we hadnt had sex again at all and the attorney said, smart guy, now you cant get an annulment.


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## GeekinDisguise (Mar 24, 2010)

Choose2love said:


> We have been to therapy, I still see the counselor alone as he stopped going because "all we talked about was sex."
> 
> Wow, that thing about being turned on by the other woman, or something risky... never thought of that and it is a possibility. I am the 4th woman he has dated in the last 7 years who was going through a divorce or separated. I think you are right, maybe it has to do with having the woman that he shouldnt have? Now that he has a woman/wife that he can have... he doesnt want the one he can have...? Maybe thats why he is still not over having to cut off contact with the woman he couldnt have..... eureka... or YIKES... I dont know which one to say actually if this is true, its really f-d up.
> 
> ...


Honestly the whole relationship sounds unhealthy. 

Now im only hearing it from your perspective so dont take my word for it. There are two sides to every story afterall.

But there are also people out there with emotional and mental hangups.. people who are incapable of having what would be considered by most to be a healthy relationship.

It also sounds like there is a bit of incompatibility in the bedroom. 

About the only other advice i can give you is to bring all these fears about your husband cheating... his infatuation with women he cant have..and his complete disregard for what you want in the bedroom...to your therapist.

Get a professionals opinion I mean. See if they agree with your suspicions and get their advice on where to go from here. 

Personally id also start doing research on how to handle a divorce. Collecting the data you may need and start thinking about paying for a lawyer and whatnot. But thats just me. 

Id always recommend trying to work it out over getting a divorce... and yall havent been together very long, which means that this MAY all just be a speed bump for a newly married couple... maybe there is a valid and understandable reason for everything he has done/is doing.. and perhaps his inhibitions to seduction and unwillingness to work with you on it is just a bit of emotional immaturity and ignorance of how a marriage should work.

But if he isnt going to work with you on it and put in the effort to make you happy.. then there really isnt much left for you to do.

Remember that its not YOUR job to make your marriage work. That is a group project that both of you need to work equally hard at. If he isnt putting in any effort.. then no matter how hard YOU work to make your marriage work, in the end it is impossible for BOTH of you to be happy. You will just keep sacrificing your happiness for his.


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