# Deleted.



## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

deleted.


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## abigailla (Jul 14, 2021)

As a woman, I would rather divorce and help my children from the outside than constantly live with a person who does not feel love for me


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Despite not loving her, you had more children with her...


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Can you clarify, you were attracted to other women right from the start? And she has been arguing and pleading with you all this time, she even lost a baby because of it?

And you still married her, had four children with her, don’t love her and can’t hug her when she cries and tell her STILL that you’re attracted to other women??? 

If this is true, I can’t imagine what kind of dream you’re in where a person like you could be attractive to any woman on this earth after you told her how you treated your first wife. 🤦🏼‍♀️

But congratulations for being honest now. 

Don’t tell the potentials the truth though 😧


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Vessel said:


> Hello,
> 
> my wife and I have been married for 9 years. We have 4 living children. All boys. To explain my problem I have to explain a little about my past. My wife and I met young in high school. We dated for more than a year before I proposed to her. Our first year was the most incredible experience of my life as well as hers. I was the first person she had ever been with because she was sexually abused from the age of 2/3 to about 4/5. She never trusted anyone. I was a naive and very selfless boy. We fell as hard a you can fall. Unfortunately that’s basically the end of the happiness. After we had been engaged for about 6 months she found out she was pregnant. Neither of us had wanted children and we had even had discussions about not wanting children. However after we verified the pregnancy with a doctor neither of us could live with the idea of terminating the pregnancy. We kept the baby. Unfortunately during this time we also started having trust issues. She thought I was interested in other women and we argued about being attracted to other women a lot. Also about porn consumption and other issues. I think we were too young to understand the issues we were facing and handled every issue wrong. Long story short she eventually became so emotionally distraught by our relationship that her body forced early labor. My daughter was born at 25 weeks. This tore our world asunder. I had no idea this sort of thing even happened. She survived for about a week before her body broke and her brain bled so bad there would be nothing left if she did survive. We removed her from life support. This tragedy rocked us to our very core and a major part of who I was as a person, as a man was swept away by the force of the loss. We both returned to each other for comfort and problems like other women became infantile and just not worth our attention. We got married a few months later. We had our first son one year later. He was beautiful and mostly healthy. We were ecstatic and we wanted to continue to build our family. For several years we still had issues about trust and other women because over time the initial impact of our loss was dulled by the monotony of day in and day out care of our young family. Eventually we had 4 sons, all relatively healthy. Unfortunately by that point a large gap had formed within our relationship. That gap was where all our care for our family and my career resided. Over the years we basically just learned how to live without actually enjoying it.With some major details still missing the story that basically brings me to now. I am a completely and utterly different person than I was10 years ago. She is still basically the same. Last year I confessed to her that I had not felt true feelings of love towards her for years. This impacted her Profoundly for obvious reasons. We thought for sure we would be divorced last year because she could not come to terms with the reality of it and I felt the way I felt.Even with all this we still wanted to prioritize our sons and so we remained together. We are still together now but every day I wonder….Is this the right course? I rationalize it with statistics about children in two parent households and the financial hardship it would cause to split but ultimately my mind still toils. I have been reduced to a very rational and abrasive personality. I tell her when I find other women attractive and I don’t coddle her when she obviously wants reassurance of false tendencies that most men reassure their wives about. I am at an impasse. I don’t love my wife but I care about her as a person and respect the massive struggles we have faced. I also want my children to have every advantage possible. I wonder. Do any of you other men understand? What would you do? Am I wrong for dragging this out. There are many other pieces of information that belongin this story but those are the main ones.
> 
> I LOVE MY SONS.


Why are you so cruel as to firstly tell her you think nothing of her and then tell her about all the women you find attractive. How horrible is that, just appalling.

You deliberately had 4 children, if you can walk out on them and wreck their lives then do it, there is no way I could do that. You have made choices and it's not about you any more but them.
Start being a responsible dad and husband and treat your wife with love and respect for a change.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

And here I thought everyone on planet Earth knows that you don’t purposely stress out a pregnant female - regardless of the species. As humans, we should be even more aware of this…
Are you sure you don’t just love drama?
You found a broken girl and continued to break her, well into her womanhood, and you’re now surprised that she has not emotionally matured as you have? Growth cannot occur under hostile terms.
If you really love your boys as much as you say then you’ll stop badgering their poor mother with “reality” and you will divorce her and make sure she isn’t left in poverty, so you can both be good parents. Give the poor woman a chance at happiness- there is a guy out there who will love and cherish her, and not make her feel terrible about herself by constantly comparing her to other women.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Vessel said:


> I am a completely and utterly different person than I was10 years ago. She is still basically the same. Last year I confessed to her that I had not felt true feelings of love towards her for years. This impacted her Profoundly for obvious reasons. We thought for sure we would be divorced last year because she could not come to terms with the reality of it and I felt the way I felt.Even with all this we still wanted to prioritize our sons and so we remained together. We are still together now but every day I wonder….Is this the right course? I rationalize it with statistics about children in two parent households and the financial hardship it would cause to split but ultimately my mind still toils. I have been reduced to a very rational and abrasive personality. I tell her when I find other women attractive and I don’t coddle her when she obviously wants reassurance of false tendencies that most men reassure their wives about. I am at an impasse. I don’t love my wife but I care about her as a person and respect the massive struggles we have faced.


Reading the above, it sounds like you want to get divorced but don't want to admit it. Personally I'd rather get divorced than live every day with someone I don't love and can't even manage to be nice to. Also your sons are growing up watching you be "abrasive" and unloving towards your wife, and they will think that is what a marriage should look like. Better to just divorce.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Despite not loving her, you had more children with her...


We have not had anymore children for a few years. I only just realized in the last 18 months or so that I do not feel the same way I originally did.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Can you clarify, you were attracted to other women right from the start? And she has been arguing and pleading with you all this time, she even lost a baby because of it?
> 
> And you still married her, had four children with her, don’t love her and can’t hug her when she cries and tell her STILL that you’re attracted to other women???
> 
> ...





Luckylucky said:


> Can you clarify, you were attracted to other women right from the start? And she has been arguing and pleading with you all this time, she even lost a baby because of it?
> 
> And you still married her, had four children with her, don’t love her and can’t hug her when she cries and tell her STILL that you’re attracted to other women???
> 
> ...


I have always known weather another woman was attractive or not. I didn’t go out of my way to find them or approach them but when my wife would notice me look at a woman in a passin glance or some other similar situation it upset her deeply. Essentially this problem has been part of our relationship the entire relationship. I can’t change the fact that other woman are attractive or the fact that I notice. SHE did not lose a baby WE lost a baby. My daughter.

I do hug her and offer small expressions of compassion when she asks but I never really get the urge to just do it without being asked. Also again I don’t go out of my way to point out attractive women, she brings it up.

and just for the record I have no interest in starting another relationship so it’s a bit irrelevant weather anyone would find me attractive or not.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Why are you so cruel as to firstly tell her you think nothing of her and then tell her about all the women you find attractive. How horrible is that, just appalling.
> 
> You deliberately had 4 children, if you can walk out on them and wreck their lives then do it, there is no way I could do that. You have made choices and it's not about you any more but them.
> Start being a responsible dad and husband and treat your wife with love and respect for a change.


It seems you have not read the post at all.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Why is your wife putting up with someone like you?

Some people have really low self-esteem. SMH!


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> Reading the above, it sounds like you want to get divorced but don't want to admit it. Personally I'd rather get divorced than live every day with someone I don't love and can't even manage to be nice to. Also your sons are growing up watching you be "abrasive" and unloving towards your wife, and they will think that is what a marriage should look like. Better to just divorce.


I have clearly admitted to considering divorce. I never said I am verbally abusive or purposely hurtful I just said I can’t avoid saying the truth because I e learned not speaking the truth causes a lot more damage. My wife and I are kind to each other and usually respectful. We are not monsters we are just different.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

abigailla said:


> As a woman, I would rather divorce and help my children from the outside than constantly live with a person who does not feel love for me


Thank you for your opinion.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

MEA said:


> And here I thought everyone on planet Earth knows that you don’t purposely stress out a pregnant female - regardless of the species. As humans, we should be even more aware of this…
> Are you sure you don’t just love drama?
> You found a broken girl and continued to break her, well into her womanhood, and you’re now surprised that she has not emotionally matured as you have? Growth cannot occur under hostile terms.
> If you really love your boys as much as you say then you’ll stop badgering their poor mother with “reality” and you will divorce her and make sure she isn’t left in poverty, so you can both be good parents. Give the poor woman a chance at happiness- there is a guy out there who will love and cherish her, and not make her feel terrible about herself by constantly comparing her to other women.


I would never PURPOSELY cause my own daughters death. Thanks for the sensitivity.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Why is your wife putting up with someone like you?
> 
> Some people have really low self-esteem. SMH!


Very constructive thanks.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Have you been to individual or marriage counseling? That would be a good place to start. It can help you figure out if you want to divorce or if it's possible to get back on track.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Vessel said:


> I have clearly admitted to considering divorce. I never said I am verbally abusive or purposely hurtful I just said I can’t avoid saying the truth because I e learned not speaking the truth causes a lot more damage. My wife and I are kind to each other and usually respectful. We are not monsters we are just different.


I didn't say you were abusive, I said you were abrasive, which is how you described yourself. I understand that neither you nor your wife are monsters, but you admitted several times in your post that you do not love her. I do not understand why you want to stay married to someone you do not love, especially when this marriage has reduced you to a "rational and abrasive personality" as you described it. It sounds like divorce is a better option.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Vessel said:


> It seems you have not read the post at all.


Yes I did and just read it again.


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## Theborg (Apr 13, 2021)

You seem to be using "the truth" as a weapon. I wonder how well you would fare if she became equally "honest" with you?


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

bobert said:


> Have you been to individual or marriage counseling? That would be a good place to start. It can help you figure out if you want to divorce or if it's possible to get back on track.


We did. It didn’t change the facts. Not to mention the councilors just seem like they don’t really actually care.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Theborg said:


> You seem to be using "the truth" as a weapon. I wonder how well you would fare if she became equally "honest" with you?


The truth was dragged out of me with immense effort. I did not forge it like a weapon and Weild it against her.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes I did and just read it again.


Then you are clearly inept or don’t comprehend what was actually being asked.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Vessel said:


> Then you are clearly inept or don’t comprehend what was actually being asked.


Nope. I was just remarking on your rude and callous behaviour towards your wife.


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## Theborg (Apr 13, 2021)

Vessel said:


> Last year I confessed to her that I had not felt true feelings of love towards her for years. This impacted her Profoundly for obvious reasons.





Vessel said:


> The truth was dragged out of me with immense effort. I did not forge it like a weapon and Weild it against her.


Your words do not jive. You told your wife you haven't loved her for years and you do not consider that to be hurtful? Maybe every time you initiate, she remembers your "other" words that you don't love her and haven't for a long time. People can remember hurtful words for a long time. If you've fallen in love with her again, tell her. If you've fallen out of love with her, divorce her.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Nope. I was just remarking on your rude and callous behaviour towards your wife.


Oh I see. So you simply expressed an impulsive emotional reaction instead of actual helpful advice. Now i understand. Thanks for clearing that up.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Theborg said:


> Your words do not jive. You told your wife you haven't loved her for years and you do not consider that to be hurtful? Maybe every time you initiate, she remembers your "other" words that you don't love her and haven't for a long time. People can remember hurtful words for a long time. If you've fallen in love with her again, tell her. If you've fallen out of love with her, divorce her.


Thank you for your opinion.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> I didn't say you were abusive, I said you were abrasive, which is how you described yourself. I understand that neither you nor your wife are monsters, but you admitted several times in your post that you do not love her. I do not understand why you want to stay married to someone you do not love, especially when this marriage has reduced you to a "rational and abrasive personality" as you described it. It sounds like divorce is a better option.


Marriage and love are not synonymous nor are they codependent. You do not need love for marriage and vice versa. Marriage carries with it many advantages financially as well as emotionally for the children.


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## Vessel (Jul 26, 2021)

Theborg said:


> Your words do not jive. You told your wife you haven't loved her for years and you do not consider that to be hurtful? Maybe every time you initiate, she remembers your "other" words that you don't love her and haven't for a long time. People can remember hurtful words for a long time. If you've fallen in love with her again, tell her. If you've fallen out of love with her, divorce her.


The truth can hurt without it being a hurtful, malicious statement.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

What happened approximately 18 months ago that made you feel this way?


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## Theborg (Apr 13, 2021)

Vessel said:


> The truth can hurt without it being a hurtful, malicious statement.


I agree, but the pain felt by the other is no different. In some cases, it might be worse. If you're indifferent to what you say to her, it might hurt her worse than your trying to hurt her. I have used my "lack of filter" to hurt others. I've seen the pain it has caused. Most people do not want to have sex with someone who either hurts them or is indifferent to them. You cannot blame her for reacting to your words. She can't beat you up, so she shuts herself down. Not a successful environment for raising well adjusted, young people.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Vessel said:


> Very constructive thanks.


One thing is understanding men look, another thing is a wife knows her husband looks and likes to look. So much she's been uncomfortable with that behavior for years. 

Do you expect your wife to celebrate knowing her husband hasn't found her attractive for years? 

Are you from a different planet?

What advice are you looking for?


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Vessel said:


> Marriage and love are not synonymous nor are they codependent. You do not need love for marriage and vice versa.


Does your wife share this opinion?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Vessel said:


> Oh I see. So you simply expressed an impulsive emotional reaction instead of actual helpful advice. Now i understand. Thanks for clearing that up.


I was hoping that you may actually be able to recognise how horrible you have been but clearly not.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Theborg said:


> You seem to be using "the truth" as a weapon. I wonder how well you would fare if she became equally "honest" with you?


We can see his responses to a few our our truths here. He doesn’t like being told certain things, and gets a little defensive. There’s a certain tone here that tells me he can dish it out but not take it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Nope. I was just remarking on your rude and callous behaviour towards your wife.


He’s also very rude and callous to you, and any other time a post gets to the ‘truth’ as we see it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> He’s also very rude and callous to you, and any other time a post gets to the ‘truth’ as we see it.


*Yeah. I think we can see a little bit of his personality "shining" through there, in his attacks on @Diana7.*

*He is on notice.*


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

Vessel said:


> I would never PURPOSELY cause my own daughters death. Thanks for the sensitivity.


Did your wife thank you for the sensitivity during her first pregnancy?
You seem to be really focused on yourself and not very much concerned with others.
My advice stands.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Many people know when someone is attractive. 

How far are you taking it?

And your title, ‘unstable mind’, were you referring to yourself?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Listen, you're going to have a miserable life if you don't grow the F up!!

You're willing to blow your family up because you find other women attractive and ultimately what you're wanting to do (if you haven't done so already) is have sex with these women??

You are CLUELESS to what you have, right now in front of you, a wife who loves you who you share four wonderful boys. Instead of counting your blessings (especially after you and your wife tragically lost your daughter...and your 1st child), and focusing on what you do have (and sadly are taking for granted), you instead are SO superficial that what gets your attention is attractive women??

How about focusing on your boys and your wife (your family).

Listen nobody put a pistol to your head and made you have these kids. You chose to go down this path on your own free volition. 

Once they came into the world, it became about them NOT YOU!!! 

You would think after losing your daughter you of all people would realize how precious life truly is for crying out loud.

However this isn't the case. Nope. Your true colors are shining through, and to be frank, you should be ashamed of yourself. 

You're obviously ALL about you and your needs. 
You're selfish, and you don't care who you hurt in the process. You're also extremely CRUEL!!!

What kind of man has the audacity to be so cruel to his wife (the mother of his children) by telling her how you're attracted to these "attractive" women KNOWING what it will do to her (belittle her, crush her self-esteem, make her wonder what you're doing with these other women, make her question what she may have done to you that you would flaunt this in front of her face and so many other horrible things it does to her (NONE of which is good)???

You know who does this? Definitely NOT a man, but an insecure little boy who's a jerk!!

Those boys (along with your wife) are GIFTS from God, and you as the husband and father should be a good steward to them, but nope, you take EVERYTHING for granted, and instead of using the brain that God gave you you'd rather be led around by your little Willie between your legs.

One day down the line, as you get older, you'll truly see what really matters in life. After the looks fade, after your body starts to break down on you, after people who you love start to pass away, and maybe, just maybe, you'll understand what LOVE REALLY IS.

Your wife could have been destroyed by losing your daughter and unwilling to to go down that path again (getting pregnant). In reality she was destroyed, but she fought through it and had the courage to face her fears (of losing another child) not once more BUT FOUR MORE TIMES!!

Instead of seeing this INCREDIBLE woman who's right by your side, the mother of your children, the woman who's stood by you in good times and bad times, who's Showering your kids and you with unconditional love, what do you do to her? 

You take your own messed up $hit and take it out on her!!!

The sad thing is you're too immature and selfish to understand how F'd up your actions are.

So what can you do?

Let this INCREDIBLE, beautiful mother of four go, so someone else can step up to the plate and be the man in her life that you'll NEVER be!!

Let her experience love and to find a man who will give her and your children the security they deserve because a man who's willing to blow up his family because he's driven by other attractive women isn't a man at all. NOPE. He's an insecure COWARD!!!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I don’t think the Empty Vessel needed help, or found anything attractive here.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Vessel said:


> *Long story short she eventually became so emotionally distraught by our relationship that her body forced early labor. My daughter was born at 25 weeks. This tore our world asunder*.
> 
> Even with all this we still wanted to prioritize our sons and so we remained together. We are still together now but every day I wonder….Is this the right course? I rationalize it with statistics about children in two parent households and the financial hardship it would cause to split but ultimately my mind still toils. _I have been reduced to a very rational and abrasive personality. I tell her when I find other women attractive and I don’t coddle her when she obviously wants reassurance of false tendencies that most men reassure their wives about_.
> 
> I LOVE MY SONS.


Re the bolded, I am so terribly sorry for your loss, absolutely horrendous thing to endure, no doubt about it. I also want you to hear that you did NOT cause this tragedy. It just happened. Sometimes these horrific tragedies do occur, no known reason, they just do. Pregnant women sometimes endure horrendous things while pregnant and go on to full term. Please hear that.

I do believe that this has changed you, likely hardened you. Many marriages don't survive the death of a child.

I know you love your sons, and you believe that staying married is in their best interests. The truth is, the greatest gift a father can give his children, is to love their mother. If you can't do that, or at the very least be kind to her - the text above tells us that you're very cruel to her. It is absolutely not in the best interests of your children, to see their mother treated this way, and even if you don't do it in front of them, they will still know, and they will grow up to hate you for it.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

This thread is foul. I hope his wife finds his thoughts on here and leaves him. It is absolutely cruel to continue a life with someone you do not love. 

I am floored that he views marriage as something transactional for the sake of the children. Picture perfect martyr.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that @Vessel deleted the contents of his first post, this thread is now closed to further replies.


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