# Sexless, but loving marriage?



## Josselyn (Sep 10, 2012)

I am a young married women, been married for almost 10yrs. My husband is a great provider, but lacks seriously in the emotional department. We probably have sex 3-4 times a month, when younger it was much more frequent. Recently he devastated me by telling me a certain part of my body was unattractive to him and that's why he doesn't want to have sex with me. This was after I questioned him about why our sex life was so lacking and why he was rejecting me when I approached him. He said I was attacking him with questions about low sex drive or low testerosterone, but honestly I was simply trying to understand. Well, I understand now and have lost 15lbs because of it and look great! However, we still don't have sex very often (my friends are appalled that I am still even wanting to) and I am becoming angry about it. I do have to say he works full time and goes to school, so he has very little time, but how does he not think this is an important part of our marriage (when I have told him how important it is to me) or does he just not care? The crazy part though is he still wants to hug and kiss and cuddle.....just NO sex and I feel so rejected and like we are heading for a divorce because I refuse to be in a relationship that does not include sexual intimacy. How can I make him (a man) understand the need for this emotional and physical connection? Please help....I do not want to throw away a 10yr marriage, but I am at my end here. Thanks


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So, you lost the weight. How does he feel about that?

Also, I would still push the low T issue. How old is he?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How is the rest of your marriage?

Do you spend (quality) time together?
Does he go out frequently without you?
Could he be having an affair?


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## Josselyn (Sep 10, 2012)

@ Toffer.....He has been encouraging with compliments by saying "Babe you're looking really good", but ther low T issue is a sensitive one for him and can't get brought up easily. How do I ask him about it without coming off insensitive (although he doesn't seem to care about be "senstive" with my feelings). I guess I'm really just angry at the lack of respect he's shown


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## Josselyn (Sep 10, 2012)

@ norajane...........Honestly, there have been several threats over the last year of divorce by him. He'll have a drink or few and get angry, put his fist through my wall and then I leave because he's being out of control, but he always comes back begging me to stay. So I guess not so great, but since we've been going to counseling it's been better. He is so busy, he really doesn't have time to go out and if he does go out without me it's usually for a quick beer after work once in a while. I monitor the checking/ credit cards, so I really don't think he's having an affair.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

EDIT: Read your responses, this may not be that helpful

My $.02 as a guy: the questioning nature of a woman can be very intimidating. The how, the why, the what are you doing about it, ect, ect. In your mind your are just trying to understand and figure things out, in a guys mind it feels like an inquisition.

We (men) are fairly simple and direct. Ask a question and most likely you will receive an honest, straight to the point answer. Asking us 20 questions about things we have not even thought about or had time to consider will fluster us and make us want to retreat from you.

How does this help you, you are asking yourself? Stop with the bazillion questions, it comes across as nagging and intrusive. Most likely you are not going to get all the answers to your questions at once anyway. We will need some time to process your questions and formulate a response.

Use a little psychology and approach it this way. One night, make him dinner, sit him down, and make him comfortable. When he is relaxed, say "I would like to talk with you, but I don't expect an answer right away." This way he is not immediately on guard and has time to think. Make sure he is agreeable and get a reasonable time _from him_ for you both to sit down and discuss his answer. 

Then be direct and tell him how you feel, how important sex is to you, and how you feel this is affecting your marriage. I would mention that you were hurt when he mentioned an ugly body part but you worked on it. Don't threaten, accuse, or use "you" statements. Ask him directly, "I need the physical and emotional connection in our marriage. How can WE make our marriage better?" Leave it at that and give him the opportunity to ponder what you said.

Give him the time and then sit down again. If the marriage is important, he will have thought about your question and he should have a response. "I don't know" means that he really did not give it to much thought and is not to important to him.

The key thing is to be direct with him and say what you really mean. No offense, but women frequently drop hints and expect that we men understand what you are really trying to tell us. We (men) are simple. We do not read minds nor are we especially good at taking hints.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How old is your husband?


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