# SO CONFUSED (also in Men's clubhouse)



## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*So confused!!*

Hey Guys, and Girls,

I really need some advice, but this is a long one...

I'm 22, my girlfriend is 21, but we have been together since she was 14 and I was 15, high school sweethearts. we were each other's firsts, and waited 9 months before we gave each other to ourselves. Part of me regrets it because of what has happened recently, but I don't know if we would have lasted this long without sex anyways, since we were going to wait until we finish college in 2 years to get married. 

But here is the issue. We have been together all of these years, and so we have grown up together only knowing what its like to be with each other. That is fine with me, I love her dearly, and she means everything to me. The problem is, over the last 6 months we have had a couple arguments and she has mentioned that she is interested in "taking a break", and she even told me that she never planned on being the type of person who only ever slept with 1 person. She said she loves me, but at the same time, she has always wondered what it would be like to have sex with other people. When she told me that I started crying because of the obvious reasons; 1. Does this mean she really doesn't love me? 2. Does this mean she doesn't find me attractive anymore? 3. Have I done something wrong sexually to drive her away? etc, etc.

This all started in January, I had been away at college, about 30 minutes from home, and she was still attending a local CC with the intention of joining me at the college in the fall. things were going well, or so I thought, and one morning I was on the phone with her and things seemed off and she seemed unusually distant, so I asked if things were ok, and she told me she didn't know, and so I asked if she was mad at me and what I had done and she again stated she didnt know, then she revealed to me that she had recently met another guy and had been talking to him. She claimed she had met him at a starbucks, but then I found out that she had in fact met him on a dating site and she told me that she had only talked to him a few times but she was interested and this is when she brought up the situation I mentioned earlier about wanting to have sex with someone else. We talked it out and I told her she needed to decide what was more important, the life we have built together so far or trying sex with some random guy. She made the logical choice and chose me, but we both admitted that we needed to work on our relationship since she said she only did it because she felt she wasn't getting the same attention as I used to give her, very valid, so I promised to fix it.

things were rocky but improving and then about a week after I moved back home, things seemed off again, so I asked her and she told me right away that that guy had texted her again two days ago and she had been talking to him again. I was extremely upset, but she assured me that he had initiated the conversation and that she wasn't talking about anything sexual with him, like she had discussed with him before, though it never went past just talking about it before. I insisted that if she wants to stay with me she can't talk to him. She agreed and we talked it out.

It turns out this whole thing, she claims, was sparked by something that happened when we were still in High School, about a year and a half into our relationship I was very close to infidelity, and we actually split up for a few hours because I did not want to cheat on her, but as soon as I broke it off I realized how stupid I was for doing so and begged her to forgive me and take me back. She did but told me I had to regain her trust. Apparently, I hadn't done it well enough because this was why she had done what she had done.

So we agreed that we had trust issues and we both promised that we would start this all over again, full trust, don't break it, and I would promise to be nicer and more romantic like in the beginning. 

So last night, she fell asleep after I stimulated her, and received nothing in return. While she slept, I slipped up and broke the trust and snooped through her phone. the night before she had slept over at a girlfriend's house and she had told me that night that they were on ChatRoulette talking to 2 guys. Her friend pretty much is on there 4-5 times a week, in her words, it's her own personal porn. When my girlfriend told me, I made her promise that she wouldn't give out her number because her friend has a bad habit of handing out my gf's number on these sites. But when I checked my girlfriends phone I noticed a contact in her message history that said CR Jason, meaning ChatRoulette Jason. I read through some of the messages and it was nothing but talk about sex, ****s, boobs, etc. There was even a picture exchange of his **** and my gf's boobs(though they were covered in a bra), it was a picture she had sent me months before. I woke her up and started yelling and asking her "what the **** is this ****?" she claims that it was her friend texting the guy and that she had fallen asleep by the time her friend had done this, which correlates with what she had told me the night before when we talked before she went to bed, but it's still bugging me because it was on HER phone. I asked about the picture and she said that her friend knew that her and I had sent pictures back and forth, so she just got one without her face in it. 

Pile of that up and top it off with this, she is having issues getting tuition loans so she is considering enlisting in the Air Force, which would take her away for basically 4 years. I love her so much, but I couldn't handle her being away, is this because she wants to get away? or does she really feel she has no other options left, she has never mentioned the military until about 3 days ago.

I just don't know what to do, given the past 6 months of what you just read about. Things were going great again until last night, she seems like she is telling the truth, but it scares me to think that she could be cheating. She even told me that things were getting much better and that I was doing so much better to make her love me again, until all this happened, because now she feels like I don't trust her because I looked through her phone without asking, and that the timing was just bad because she claims it was her friend using her phone to text this guy(she claims she allowed her friend to use her phone because her friend is still on a phone plan with her parents so she doesn't want her parents to see she is talking to random people when the bills come). I love her so much, but I don't want her to be with me if she is going to cheat because of stuff she warned me about

WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!

THX FOR READING!!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

You're too young, both of you.

She wants to spread her wings and date other guys, and why not, at her age? You aren't married, and I hope you are not even remotely considering marriage.

If you love her, I think you should break up. If you guys are meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other, but she wants to see other guys. That's just the way it is, and honestly, there's nothing wrong with that-- she's not even old enough to order a beer yet, she's hardly old enough to make a wise choice re a life partner. The Air Force sounds like it would be a good choice for her -- both financially and education-wise, and I hope that you wouldn't stand in her way because of your "love".


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

2 things...We have been together for 7 years now...so marriage has been in the cards, but we were waiting 2 more years to finish college...and this is a technicality, but shes 21 and im 22...both of us can order alcohol...though I have obstained from it for the past 6 months because of the damage it had done to my lifestyle

my problem also, is that if we break up, I don't know if I could handle the process of reconciliation. It would always tear me up inside to know that she had slept with someone else...this is not to say I would only date virgins if we split, I'm well aware that too many people do not keep their virginity until marriage anymore, but there would just be something about knowing that she slept with me, went and slept with a few other people and then came back to me...I just don't understand why she feels the urge to have sex with multiple partners...isn't sex supposed to be for people who love each other?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

Well, she's young. She wants to know what's out there. 

Whether you could ever reconcile is a question for the future. Right now what you need to think about is the present, and I would strongly urge you to think about what it would be like to marry a woman who was always wondering what she missed out on.

I don't mean to be unkind to you, but I think she is clearly not ready to make a commitment to you. That doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her a bad choice for marriage (or even engagement) right now.

I wish you well.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

totally agree with Lamaga here - you've been together since you were 15, neither of you have really experimented and she's realised that there's a whole world out there she wants to explore

an attitude like yours is quite a rare one these days - not a bad thing per se but you need to find someone who feels the same about love and relationships and sex as you do. Your girlfriend clearly doesn't 
x


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

But what does this say about me though? Doesn't it make sense that if someone has only one type of experience and it is a positive one that they wouldn't want to risk losing it? does this mean I am a poor lover? Admittedly, I dont always give 100%, but I do try very hard to ensure that she is satisfied...as I mentioned, last night I made sure she was plenty take care of and then I received nothing in return, though we have both had this happen a few times, though probably 99% of the time, we both return the favor


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

Scared, no, it doesn't say anything about you. You could be the sexiest, wealthiest, buffest guy in the world, and this girl right now would be wondering what else was out there. This has nothing to do with you, and I'm sure you are loving and delightful. This has to do with her maturation process.


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

Is it possible that she can come around and see things from my perspective?...I'm a hopeless romantic, so anything than can be done to make the love stay I am willing to do. I love her so much, and I'm willing to make any moves in order to keep our love alive! She changed my life forever, I always planned on being fairly promiscuous until her and I got together and got serious and I knew what we had was real love


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

I don't mean to patronise but you really are too cute 
listen to us, we are wise old birds - there is nothing wrong with you, but she might be feeling a bit smothered by you


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

I appreciate your compliment...  

The smother comment though. Very valid, and that becomes another question, she had mentioned that, and it is a valid claim, is there a way to give her the space to prevent the smothered feelings while also keeping her from sleeping around? because thats the other fear I have is that she goes to sleep around to see what other people are like, and more than finding someone else, I fear she doesn't rationally realize how risky sex can be...what if she sleeps with someone and isn't careful and ends up with a STD or pregnant with someone who wasn't supposed to be anything more than a 1 night stand. To me, sex is to risky and intimate to do casually with random people


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

Newstip -- you cannot keep her from sleeping around if she wants to sleep around.

That's a really hard thing to face, and the sooner you get to facing it, the better. And if you have any suspicions at all, you should be using condoms.


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

we always use condoms...I am not suspicious of her actually cheating on me, she has always promised me that she would never cheat, she has always maintained that if she were to ever actually do anything she would make sure we broke up first. My suspicion is more in the fear that she lines something up and breaks up with me and is already sleeping around the next day...and i feel an emotional affair can be almost worse than just a random hookup...i dont know if any of that makes sense...lol


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*



lamaga said:


> *Well, she's young. She wants to know what's out there. *Whether you could ever reconcile is a question for the future. Right now what you need to think about is the present, and I would strongly urge you to think about what it would be like to marry a woman who was always wondering what she missed out on.
> 
> I don't mean to be unkind to you, but I think she is clearly not ready to make a commitment to you. That doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her a bad choice for marriage (or even engagement) right now.
> 
> I wish you well.


Sure, but this doesn't give her the right to cheat.

There's a difference between _not wanting to settle down_ with the OP and actually _cheating on him_.

I'm not saying she should get married to the OP or keep on with the relationship but WHY THE HELL CHEAT ON HIM?!!
She should have broken up first and then she would be free to date whoever she wanted to. 

The relationships that have started off at a very very young age and which have lasted for many years are prone to break ups because both parties grow up, they are in a constant changing and they learn new things about theirselves/desires and so on.
There's nothing wrong with that.

But cheating is wrong and what she did was very unfair. 
You should have let her go and she should have been more honest with you.


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

Lonely Girl, thank you, I feel you truly get me, though she never ACTUALLY slept with anyone else, and I agree with you, as we grow older, we change who we are, and I feel though her and I are very different people, it is our differences that make the relationship fun...though this differing belief that we share about having sex with only one person in your lifetime is apparently different...and where my questions come in also, is the fact that she used to think the way I do...which is why I question my role...have I done something wrong sexually to make her change her desires? Our sex life has always been inconsistent because of either distance of me being away at school, which limited our time together, or when I wasnt at school, we had to deal with parents being in the home, which limited how often we could have sex...We have never had sex anywhere but in a bedroom, and maybe once in a living room...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Before you do anything , save those text messages and gather more evidence . Do notsort on that your snooping , what you required is undeniable proof of what she is up to, while snooping find out as much information as you can about the OM, parents, wife , siblings , where they live, access his Facebook page and save his friends links and names.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car , test it first . Waywards view the car as a secure place to make calls .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A few points 

Lesson number one , keep quiet 
Lesson two , do not confront until you have hard cold evidence - she now knows your onto her and will take this underground and try make out your a fool or she want privacy . Privacy is for the bath room , secrecy is deceit 
Lesson three , know your enemy, how to contact all those who will make his life uncomfortable.
Lesson four , when you confront be sure in yourself , when you expose do not be fearfully and expose the OM far and wide into his family and social circle
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: So confused!!*

She is not committed to you right now. This is very clear. A woman who is committed to a man does not go to the sort of site she does with her friend and carry on. 

She says that her friend sent all those photos? So she was asleep while her friend sent the pics but she was not surprised to find out that her friend sent them? Right!? Whether or not her friend did this is not the point. The point is that she really does not see all that much wrong with it.

She hangs out with friends who have no respect for you or your relationship with you. She's already moving on. You really have no choice but to accept that she wants to move on for now.

There is a saying that applies here... " If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours...."


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

See, the problem is, I feel that is too much, also, the text messages were on her phone...how would I save them? I want to trust her and move on from this, if she is willing to remain faithful... I have all of the evidence, though none of it is physical evidence...my main issue is just how do we move forward, TRUSTING each other, and how do we resolve the issue of her wondering of sleeping around, because she is somewhat back and forth on it, and I feel that if the shoe were on the other foot, she would not like it if we broke it off and I went and slept around and came back to her...


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

also, the recent event with her friend, there is no known last name, but the original person, I actually knew him from school, trust me, I know exactly how to get in contact with him...he is on FB


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which phone is she using?


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

And I know to keep this quiet...I'm not one to air my dirty laundry in public...I maintain 100% anonymity on here...


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

it's her cell phone


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

ScaredOfLosingHer said:


> See, the problem is, I feel that is too much, also, the text messages were on her phone...how would I save them? I want to trust her and move on from this, if she is willing to remain faithful... I have all of the evidence, though none of it is physical evidence...my main issue is just how do we move forward, TRUSTING each other, and how do we resolve the issue of her wondering of sleeping around, because she is somewhat back and forth on it, and I feel that if the shoe were on the other foot, she would not like it if we broke it off and I went and slept around and came back to her...




Your main issue is you are frantically trying to find a way forward . Your wife has successfully blabbed her way through being caught , she will be a lot more cautious from now on and is likely to take this underground.

You know what you saw, you know she knows and yet your accepting her lies.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Which brand cell phone is she using?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*

Scared, I see you have now reposted over on the Infidelity thread -- if she's already feeling smothered, please stop and just imagine what being spied on will do for her feelings. (Hint: It won't help.)

You need to break up with her. This will accomplish one of three things -- either she'll realize she cannot live without you and she'll completely change (unlikely), she'll go on and do some growing up and then return to you (possible), or she'll move on with her life and you'll move on with yours, both having had a wonderful first love (probable).


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

samsung...also, elizor...we are not married yet...we have just been together for 7 years


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

ScaredOfLosingHer said:


> also, the recent event with her friend, there is no known last name, but the original person, I actually knew him from school, trust me, I know exactly how to get in contact with him...he is on FB


Access his page and save all the links to his friends list in a secure document , if this carries on and I suspect it will you will need this information later to message them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

ScaredOfLosingHer said:


> samsung...also, elizor...we are not married yet...we have just been together for 7 years


A conversation for later .
Once you have sorted this issue out consider your future with her , many women want to be married. You must either commit to her or let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tammers.....this guy is 22 and it's a high school sweethearts situation.

To the OP break up with her and let her go. She's clearly done with this relationship and the more you pursue the worse you make it.


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## smurfette (Jun 3, 2012)

This is definately a loaded problem. I think that first, you guys have arrived at a very normal crossroads for two that have been together since you were teens. I believe it is normal, and wise, to figure out who you are before committing to a long term relationship. The person that you are (and the person your significant other is) can and will change as you grow. Sometimes you grow together, sometimes apart. From what I've read it seems to me that your girlfriend wants to get out and experience life on her own terms. Unfortunately, I think it is necessary to honor this because if you do not, she may strike out on her own without your knowledge, adding to the heartbreak you feel now.

While letting her go may be the last thing you want, it may be the healthiest thing for both of you. If you two reconnect in the future, you will be able to have renewed faith in your commitment to one another.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Tammers.....this guy is 22 and it's a high school sweethearts situation.
> 
> To the OP break up with her and let her go. She's clearly done with this relationship and the more you pursue the worse you make it.


Lol good spot , agree . Move on with life .


_Posted via Mobile Device_ Note to self : get an iPad , these iPhone screens are way to small


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

When I was a kid I had a long-term relationship with my first gf, very much like yours. We were mid-teens and it lasted up until about your age now. She was going to change colleges to be with me, we had talked about marrying after school, then another guy started coming up a lot, blah blah, it all fell apart, and finito - first love experience complete. I handled it poorly, it wrecked me for a while, but it had to happen.

I know you want to save the relationship, and you should certainly try, but realize that you have to be objective in your decisions. You're young and have been with the same girl forever, so it'll be damn near impossible to do this, as she is a "part of your life" as you see it. She doesn't have to be - try to start believing this. I know you will think this shouldn't apply to you (as you're young and no doubt believe your situation will be different against all odds - I did), but people change a LOT during their late teens/early 20's, and often one person will start realizing that they may not want to limit their options going into such a traditionally "free" period of their life.

Your best bet - try to imagine your life as a single guy and start preparing yourself for being on your own. Act like it. Do hobbies that show your independence and do it for you. Work out, talk to other girls (though don't cheat of course, just be social with everyone as much as you can, and let her see you doing it). Don't beg, plead or cry with her, don't pepper her with questions about the relationship or your future together (unless she brings it up, and even then stay calm and let her do the talking), don't brag about what you're doing to improve yourself, just do it. She'll see it.

Doesn't mean she'll want to continue the relationship though...and are you sure you do? She's started telling you lies regarding this OM, and is hanging out with a very toxic friend who is showing her how fun it can be to be a young single woman. You're becoming vanilla to her, sorry.

Hardest advice to take to heart is if she says she wants out, you *calmly* say "That's not at all what I want. But if it's what you want, *okay - there's the door*." Do it like you're The Godfather. Let her go. She'll respect you more, and it may just make her think twice about who she's thinking of leaving.

Read "No More Mister Nice Guy", and "Married Man Sex Life" (absolutely applies to single folks as well), and realize some of the things that you may be doing to hurt your cause.

Good luck...you're young and have a whole life to look forward to, try not to let the prospect of losing your first love take you down for too long. There are tons of other women out there.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Unfortunately, I don't think you are going to be able to hold on to her. Decide on your bounderies to stay in the relationship. Actions not words. She gets rid of any enemies to the relationship, stop talking to other men ect. I really don't think she will be able to do it. If you keep cutting her slack you will end of being treated badly. 

It is a difficult situation but the best solution may be to decide what you will put up with and pull the plug if she crosses the line. Doing this will prevent more pain for you. She is not on the same page with you and she is using what happened in HS as an excuse. She wants to be free. 

Let her go. Heal from this and see other girls. Maybe in the years ahead you will decide that there is no one better than each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

I actually don't have a whole lot to add to the topic that everyone hasn't already addressed. It isn't a matter of "getting over it" or moving forward. If you have trust issues, you should both be working towards reestablishing and strengthening that trust. Her hanging out with a friend for chat-roulette kicks is absurd, especially when her friend admits that she uses the site as her personal porn. Add the fact that your girlfriend saved these messages and this man's contact information on her phone without telling you about it (regardless of whether it was for her "friend") and you have a _serious_ breach of trust and boundaries.

What I do want to say, however, is that if you want this relationship to work, _do not_ allow her to join the Air Force. She will be living away from you for four years, and she will be surrounded primarily by lonely males her age. I hate to sound bigoted, but this is a prime environment to establish an affair or affairs. I mean, she _will_ be bonding with other men, without question, and you will be _no-where_ near to keep her focused on you and your relationship. It just sounds like a bad idea for your relationship, all-round.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ScaredOfLosingHer said:


> And I know to keep this quiet...I'm not one to air my dirty laundry in public...I maintain 100% anonymity on here...


"Lesson number one , keep quiet"

You missed understood what was meant by the above statement.

The poster meant for you to not tell your gf that you are doing some PI stuff to find out what she is up to.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> When I was a kid I had a long-term relationship with my first gf, very much like yours. We were mid-teens and it lasted up until about your age now. She was going to change colleges to be with me, we had talked about marrying after school, then another guy started coming up a lot, blah blah, it all fell apart, and finito - first love experience complete. I handled it poorly, it wrecked me for a while, but it had to happen.
> 
> I know you want to save the relationship, and you should certainly try, but realize that you have to be objective in your decisions. You're young and have been with the same girl forever, so it'll be damn ne1ar impossible to do this, as she is a "part of your life" as you see it. She doesn't have to be - try to start believing this. I know you will think this shouldn't apply to you (as you're young and no doubt believe your situation will be different against all odds - I did), but people change a LOT during their late teens/early 20's, and often one person will start realizing that they may not want to limit their options going into such a traditionally "free" period of their life.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
Quite an advise.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

*Re: So confused!!*



ScaredOfLosingHer said:


> ...have I done something wrong sexually to make her change her desires? Our sex life has always been inconsistent because of either distance of me being away at school, which limited our time together, or when I wasnt at school, we had to deal with parents being in the home, which limited how often we could have sex...We have never had sex anywhere but in a bedroom, and maybe once in a living room...


I wonder if she thinks the sex life between you two became boring that's why she's in need in new/different experiences. 

Give her the chance to miss you. Let her go.
But before this haven a thorough and open talk with her.
You need to clearly know what you're breaking up.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry friend but NO amout of love from your part is going to stop her of doing what she wants. The catch 22 is she wants others! She wants experiment and she will, sooner or later, now or after getting married. What's worse is you are the last person to stop her becouse she'll lose respect of you the more you try to love her out of her desires or the more you enforce boundaires. Try cage a tiger in a paper prison.


Let her go and f!ck around too.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jibril said:


> I actually don't have a whole lot to add to the topic that everyone hasn't already addressed. It isn't a matter of "getting over it" or moving forward. If you have trust issues, you should both be working towards reestablishing and strengthening that trust. Her hanging out with a friend for chat-roulette kicks is absurd, especially when her friend admits that she uses the site as her personal porn. Add the fact that your girlfriend saved these messages and this man's contact information on her phone without telling you about it (regardless of whether it was for her "friend") and you have a _serious_ breach of trust and boundaries.
> 
> What I do want to say, however, is that if you want this relationship to work, _do not_ *allow her to join the Air Force.* She will be living away from you for four years, and she will be surrounded primarily by lonely males her age. I hate to sound bigoted, but this is a prime environment to establish an affair or affairs. I mean, she _will_ be bonding with other men, without question, and you will be _no-where_ near to keep her focused on you and your relationship. It just sounds like a bad idea for your relationship, all-round.


Having spent eight years in the military I agree with this. If she goes in the AF move on with your life. You do not want any part of this situation with the state it is in now. That is fine for truly single folks or people who have matured. 

If you do break up, move completely on. Put away any ideas about reconnecting with her. Let yourself grow and chalk this up. 

She is interested in other men right now. She has told you as much. Let her go. Part of the allure of joinging up besides the adventure in life is that there will be lots of men.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Jibril said:


> I actually don't have a whole lot to add to the topic that everyone hasn't already addressed. It isn't a matter of "getting over it" or moving forward. If you have trust issues, you should both be working towards reestablishing and strengthening that trust. Her hanging out with a friend for chat-roulette kicks is absurd, especially when her friend admits that she uses the site as her personal porn. Add the fact that your girlfriend saved these messages and this man's contact information on her phone without telling you about it (regardless of whether it was for her "friend") and you have a _serious_ breach of trust and boundaries.
> 
> What I do want to say, however, is that if you want this relationship to work, *do not allow her to join the Air Force. *She will be living away from you for four years, and she will be surrounded primarily by lonely males her age. I hate to sound bigoted, but this is a prime environment to establish an affair or affairs. I mean, she _will_ be bonding with other men, without question, and you will be _no-where_ near to keep her focused on you and your relationship. It just sounds like a bad idea for your relationship, all-round.


I agree with your analysis; however, ultimately this will be her choice to make. She has free will like all of us. He can suggest that she should not join the Air Force. But the decision clearly is hers alone to make.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

SOLH,

Notice how your name spells out **** Out Luck but more importantly your name says it all!!!

Scared of Losing Her. You should never be scared. Because when 2 people truly love each other there is no fear because there is trust for one another.

My man, you do not trust her and for good reason.

You 2 are too young and she wants to go fly solo for a while. Man up, kiss her goodbye and set her free. If not, you will marry a woman who has regrets.

You should go explore to and mature.

If you guys were meant to be together you will be together. Hopefully, when you both have grown up and be ready to fully commit and trust each other.
HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The Air Force, huh?

Kid, this rings a bell for me. I had a long term GF until I was 25. Unlike you, though we were waiting for marriage (Christians). She broke up with me when I was 22, then we got back together again a little over a year later. Something was missing with her, though: her cherry. Anyway, a couple of years later I found out she and her college girlfriends were doing AF cadets flying into the local AFB from Colorado. This triple pissed me off, because she knew I couldn't fly due to my eyesight (groundpounder).And that was the end of us.

Number one, your girl was distant because she'd already banged somebody else. The bonding with new guy and the detaching with old guy had begun. I don't care what she says. It's SOP, totally explainable, the detached mode in the phone tells you what you need to know.

If she goes into the military, forget it with her. She'll come out with tire tracks up and down her back.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

SOLH, there comes a time when we have to let go. I'm sorry it your girl, but I will say, that these days, it seems as if the roles have reversed. You and her will always have your past, take that and go make a life for yourself. AND NO, do not look to take the Sk**k back later. All will happened is you will see the flawed person that used to be an Angel, an it will eat at your relationship. For some reason, meeting someone later in life who is not a virgin, doesn't bother us because we never seen them as unspoiled. If you love her, let her go man. Don't make her cheat on you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Only 22, not married, no kids and already cheating. As harsh as it sounds, this is a no-brainer. You may not realize it right now because of the hurt, but you will look back at this and thank your lucky stars that you didn't marry her. You've just been given a preview of what it would be like if you married her. It's time to move on and use this as a learning experience.


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

Ok, thanks for all of the comments, I appreciate it! though many of you forget that she has not actually slept with anyone besides me... ShamWow, you seem to be on my wave length...as far as other hobbies, that I have an abundance of, she does not have as many as I do, which may be part of the problem, as it could be while Im busy doing stuff, she is not, making her easily bored...

Jibril and Catherine, good comments, As far as the CR thing, we discussed it and she told me she planned on telling her friend that her friend is no longer allowed to use her phone to talk to the people she meets on the site..as for the going on the site itself, I trust her enough to where simply being on the site does not bother me, I've been on there with my friends before too, so I at least owe that much trust, since she gives that to me. 

Machiavelli, we two are both Christians, which is why we waited a long time to have sex, but i'll save the religious philosophy for another forum...lol

She has also mentioned in the past 2 years when the topic of getting bored has come up, that she feels like since we have just been in the "dating" stage for so long that that is part of the cause of the staleness, because it has such a vague road ahead, she has mentioned wanting to get married because of the commitment and because when you get married your relationship tends to be deeper and have more purpose...

I feel like, given our past and how good things were until recently and how she expressed to me the very valid feelings that I was not who I used to be, and I had become less sensitive to her feelings in the past 2 years(something that even I had come to realize and was starting to change on my own shortly before she even told me) and how we both promised that we would make the necessary moves to get back to the romance we once had, 

I feel like I ShamWow gave some good insight here...I would like to save the relationship, because part of this was me driving her away, so follow me here and tell me what you all think, I feel like if we move forward and we recommit, but I am not over the top smothering her and I let her be honest with her feelings and they stay the way they have been, that I will have to let her go, if they change, then that is good and we have moved past a difficult time, but a relationship this deeply rooted, perhaps needs a few more weeks to see where we truly are and where we both want to be...But you are right SW, if I try and she still wants out, I suppose I cannot force it and it's not fair to either of us to try and force a relationship

She did mention that since we made the initial recommit to get back to what we had about 4 weeks ago now and she had seen a big improvement on how nice I was to her and since she had seen that she was starting to love me more again and she had not had the curiosity of sleeping with another man lately, because of her coming closer to me again. Also, after talking about this with her again yesterday afternoon we did have a nice time together and though there was no sex, we did have a good night of cuddling and she was being very nice to me...

It's worth trying for, but I feel you are all mostly right, if she ever tells me again that she feels like she wants out, I will honor her wishes...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

this is the very reason parent advise their kids not to limit their dating options. what she is feeling about others WILL come back. yes, we all admire the idea of high school sweethearts living happy ever after, but in this real world, that seldom happens. i apologize for the name calling, because after reflecting, what she is feeling is only normal. do i say this to drive you apart ?? no, just saying what is general knowledge. yes she wants to hold on to you, but she also wants some life expierences.


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

understandable...yes, we have talked a lot these last few days, and though it may be because of these talks and it may not last, things have been better the last couple of days, but I did tell her that in a month, if she is not any happier than she was that we would cut it off because like many of you said, if she still wants to experiment, she may do it later when we are married. She did reiterate the point though that she only was feeling that way because I had been being less sensitive to her feelings and I had been being distant, points that I very well recognized. She also reiterated the point that when I was not acting that way over the past few weeks that those feelings had subsided, so perhaps it was just me pushing her to feel that way, but we have agreed to keep the conversation and communication lines on this topic open with each other, and if these feelings crop back up again we will address them and likely just move on...I will keep you all posted...thank you for the advice!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Mate you need to grow a pair, The only way you can get a girl to like you again is to attract her back into the relationship. She, at this moment is disrespecting you and you're rewarding this foul behaviour with hugs,kisses and reassurances.

Embrace your sexuality and the fact that you're a MAN(as sexist as it sounds, we were built to lead and not follow)

I recommend reading these two books, even if this relationship goes downhill, I'm pretty sure that in the future you'll definitely benefit from this.

http://www.exgirlfriendguru.com

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

Not to be disrespectful, but in this instance you don't actually have insight here...I am not rewarding her behavior, I am admitting that I may have caused some of it with my own foul behavior...I was extremely distant and nowhere near respectful enough to her over the last year and a half and I was starting to realize it before this even happened and this showed me that...You mention the only way I can get a girl to like me again is to attract her back into the relationship, well, that's exactly what I am doing, but at the same time, she is having to earn it because of what she did...we both have issues that need working, which is what we are doing...as for growing a pair, I did tell her that if things are not better in a month we are breaking it off...that was MY Decision, I set the timeline and I set the date, so I took charge here, But I also told her that yes, I need to make improvements, but if she doesn't also make improvements in that time we will have no choice but to move on...

as mentioned, the last few days have been better, so we will just have to see if in a few weeks this behavior has kept up and she maintains these improvements...


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Mate, i'm sorry if i came across as harsh, never my intention but I can only offer you advice because i've been there ( much worse ) and I believe that this will help you change for the better.Don't ever change for another person but change for yourself>

I really do recommend reading the books as they will give you insight into how you can improve upon aspects of your personality, again for yourself.

And lastly, don't ever let anyone push you around. I'm really glad that you have a rigid stance on the matter of your continuing or discontinuing the relationship.

I wish you the best


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

Thank you very much, and yes, I agree, I will always be me, and I will only change for myself (or my children down the road). I was realizing though that I was becoming a less than polite person and that was taking a toll on our relationship and also in my relationships with my friends...so hopefully getting back to who I really am will repair the relationship with my GF as well as my friends...Now I just have to wait and see and keep improving myself!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Scared you are my near the age of my youngest son. He is in a very toxic relationship and just got engaged. He is the most sensible easy going guy you would ever want to meet. Yet his financee has him so emotionally wrapped around his finger it makes me literally sick. He will not listen to me. She has servere mood swings. I am a professional counselor and I know this crap. She has gotten violent with him. He takes verbal and emotional abuse from her all the time. Yet he is dead set on getting married. It will be a marriage from hell. I don't get him. He could have a sweet girl yet he is in love with a girl with a personallity disorder. She gets mad when he talks to us (his parents) because she feels he is ignoring her. She wants his full attention all the time.

Your situation is different in many ways but similar in this. You are in a relationship that is very lopsided. You have many things going for you and you do not want to let this girl go. Let her go. Sit down and talk to her and ask her what she wants. Give her time to give you an answer. You only see your future with her, yet you have many other futures out there with other girls. There are many other girls out there and many of them will be compatible. I will say this as a Christian. I do not believe that God has just one girl for you. Some in the church will disagree but we have free will and there are many alternatives. I would take a break, let her go, move on with your life and see where it goes. You can't control her and if she says she feels smothered now just wait till you are married and she feels she made the wrong choice.

It took my nephew three years (he is your age) to get over his long love. Just before they were married she walked away. She did not cheat on him but was not committed to him. Unfair yes, she agreed to marry him and then changed her mind. He is now an officer in the Army (as of last month) and is moving forward.

Yes it is hard but your GF has to decide what she wants. If she joins the Air Force I would think your relationship could end, based upon what you said.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She claimed she had met him at a starbucks, but then I found out that she had in fact met him on a dating site


Well, there's your problem, right there. That's a HUGE red flag!

Girl of 20, chatting up some bloke in Starbucks? Yep. I can see that happening.

Girl of 20, visiting dating sites? Is it me, or does that sound like an odd thing for a girl of that age to be doing?

Starbucks = looking to hook up with someone for a possible relationship.

Dating site = looking to hook up for sex with random guys.

Or am I being too cynical?


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

Thorburn, thank you, though I feel your son is in a much worse relationship than I...the advice is still very valid, and we actually have done what you suggested already, we recently discussed what we wanted and I told her that I love her very much and I don't want her to leave me, but if she desires to be out of the relationship and experiment, I have no choice but I need to let her go and do what she wants to do... the Air Force thing is basically because she has had issues getting student loans...i suppose I should have mentioned that...lol

MattMatt, she did tell me she was on the site because she wanted to see what was out there because of how I had been treating her and I had been pushing her away...issues we have already begun addressing


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

ScaredOfLosingHer said:


> Thorburn, thank you, though I feel your son is in a much worse relationship than I...the advice is still very valid, and we actually have done what you suggested already, we recently discussed what we wanted and I told her that I love her very much and I don't want her to leave me, but if she desires to be out of the relationship and experiment, I have no choice but I need to let her go and do what she wants to do... the Air Force thing is basically because she has had issues getting student loans...i suppose I should have mentioned that...lol
> 
> MattMatt, she did tell me she was on the site because she wanted to see what was out there because of how I had been treating her and I had been pushing her away...issues we have already begun addressing



You have a good head and a good heart. I hope this works out for you.


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## ScaredOfLosingHer (Jun 3, 2012)

Thank you so much Thorburn! these are tough times, and hopefully they just make the love her and I had end up being that much stronger...otherwise, though the break would be extremely painful, I can not take away the 7 great years we have spent together and all that we have done to help each other grow up!


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