# Confused: My wife needs her space - Adive appreciated



## graphiclimbo (Apr 1, 2016)

Hey all, thank you for reading this and I am glad to have found a place where I can talk and hopefully seek advice and similar experiences to share.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and we have a 3 1/2 year old son, who was born 1 year after we got married.

When we had our child, we both agreed that my wife stays at home, luckily, I was in between contracts and managed to stay at home as well for the first 8 months of his life. It's important to mention that both our families do not live in our city, so no support (expect for the occasional visit).

Needless to say that the life we chose was not an easy one, but we chose it anyways. The stress, financial stretching and having one source of income was difficult but we knew it was not going to be like this forever. Luckily, I had been able to progress career-wise and been making a decent living to allow us for a great place, food on the table and the occasional vacation.

Things tarted to get tough when my wife started saying that she wasn't happy staying at home, she wanted to work and I encouraged here to do so on a constant basis. So we got a babysitter, our child went to daycare, I would always make sure that money was not an issue (my money is your money type thing) and would surprise her with gifts, etc, etc,

This is when things started *getting ugly*. Upon getting this new job (about 4 months ago), she went 360 degrees on me. 

1. She started working long hours with a hectic and unpredictable schedule, that required that I drop-off and pick-up the little one from school on most days of the week, bathing him, making him dinner for the evening and for the next day. Our child is very energetic, so play time is important for him too and requires extra attention, it can be handful for one person alone. On multiple occasions I had to take a sick day or arrive/;eave late to work because there was no other choice. My job was flexible and had defined hours and hers was neither of those.

2. She convinced me and decided to get a private art studio space - we both agreed its a good idea, a place where we can both do art and not be distracted by daily things. This place became her space quickly and I was gradually excluded from it.

3. She started making a lot of friends and FAST. She went from having really good but few friends (guys and girls alike) that I knew as well to meeting new artists - I mean sure, it's part of working for a gallery, you meet new people.

4. Out of all these new connections, one seemed strange to me. This artist guy - so naturally, I asked her about him. Responses where always vague. I don't know much about him, he's an artist I might work with in the future....My gut feeling was telling me something was wrong. The more I asked about him the more defensive she became. They were texting on a constant basis. The phone went with here everywhere, to the bathroom, to bed, etc... Suddenly it was pass-code locked.

I was not getting the answers I needed and something was fishy. I had to know what was going on. So about 2 weeks ago I went inside her Facebook. I read the entire conversation between her and the guy and it was shocking. They seemed to have a very deep connection, something we don't even have with each other. If anyone outside of our relationship, read the conversation with a neutral perspective, they would say that either these two people were really into each other, are dating or going to date or are sleeping together. The little information she gave me about him was all a lie: from details of how she met him to everything else.

I confronted her about it. All she saw was the breach of privacy I committed by entering her FB and still to this day the only explanation I had was: "I didn't want to talk about him because I cant explain this relationship that I have with him". She kept saying that it was not romantic or sexual.

That created a rift between us and she said that after this she needed her own space now, so I agreed. I didn't like it but what would have been the alternative? All of a sudden, she need to re-evaluate our relationship. We talked about solutions some simple ones and some extreme ones like we get an apartment with our own separate rooms etc, etc... My only demand was that she severed ties with this guy as it was poisonous to our relationship. She told she talked to him and told him that they weren't going to be working together any longer because she had to time for that. Fine. She deleted her Facebook and was secluded almost. Her work routine didn't change, however and she was spending more time in her studio (which I have not been inside since I helped her set it up a while ago).

Some time went by and we talked a little more, I even surprised her with a date (we haven't had a one on one in a while). It was pleasant. There was hope.

But I still needed to be 100% sure. So one day I decided to go inside her studio after seeing photos of the this guy taking pictures of her artwork inside a space that looked strangely familiar....I even showed here one of the photos and asked her: "Is this your studio?". She answered no, it isn't in a near-confident and direct manner.

Going inside the studio confirmed that the guy was not only working there, but is now sharing the space with her.....it it has been like that for sometime now. 

We had a huge fight the night i discovered that. No apologies from her end. Now she going to go to her parents for a couple of days to think things through.

I suggested we stop this life, quit our jobs and reconnect, free of stresses and distractions and then we move forward and will refined jobs. It was obvious something was wrong that we needed to repair things and change things drastically. She found the idea of doing that unacceptable.

I get the impression that she just wants to leave and doesn't have the courage to say it? What do you all think? Is there hope?


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

She is cheating on you and has replaced you with this new guy.

If you need proof, you will have to go full James Bond. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for how to do this.

But I would just call it quits, because at this point she will probably agree to a relatively peaceful separation and you should be able to get custody of your son.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I hate to say this but it appears that there is more going on other than him just working in the studio. She wants to get away to be with him more.

She will not let this guy go, until she finds out where it can lead, the only thing you will get is all the blame put on you and more lies.

I'm sorry but unless she kicks him out of the studio and her life while you are there, your marriage is over. Unless you let her come crawling back if it doesn't work out with this other guy.


----------



## Ougaouga (Apr 1, 2016)

Honestly it sounds like she has already checked out of the marriage and has decided she wants the artist guy and is not interested in continuing on. I agree with a previous responder, you should call it quits and she will be unlikely to put up a fight about it.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

The only way there would be hope in this situation is if she actually cut this man from her life, get rid of the art space or at least let you back in it and block him in any form of contact. Also, counseling is a must. If she can't stop talking to him or going behind your back with him then you can consider it over. Do the 180, give her space, act like you don't give a crap what she does. She will either freak out about losing you and want to work on things or she will walk away and if she walks away then let her. You deserve better than that.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry.

She dumped you for the other man.

Based on what you have told me, this is the end. She had no real cause, other than a fantasy or boredom. Mundane crap.

Get a good divorce lawyer. Listen to his advice. Do not move out. Do the 180. Cut off all communication except about the children. If she talks about something else, disengage, leave.

Close down the studio, kick her out of the house. Do not offer to help her do anything. Do not support the cheater any more. Let POSOM HAVE HER. 

She has her parents to help her, right? Bummer.

Offer to take care of the children 100% or if she balks, on a 50/50 basis.

You are lucky to get rid of her while you are young. She is such a fool. Artists are poor providers.

What is this women thinking?


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Graph,

Sorry to see you in this situation but I am afraid there is nothing at all confusing here. Your wife has a boyfriend and it has been going on for some time.

At this point, there is no reason to snoop any more. She is doing it right in front of you and is not even sorry about it. 

Do not delude yourself into believing anything she is telling you about being "just friends". She has lied about everything else. 

And you did a lot wrong but it is too late right now to worry about that. 

So what do you do

(1) stop telling her you are accepting any explanations about her privacy. Liars who are cheating forfeit their right to privacy

(2) see any attorney like yesterday to find out your rights, and have divorce papers drawn up

(3) tell her you refuse to participate in a marriage with three people in it.

(4) an her space thing at home is just to try to figure out a way to have both her boyfriend and you until she can decide if it is working out long term with him.

So what you are going to hear is

'I love you but i do not love you that way anymore'
"I have feelings for him and I cannot stop seeing him"
"I need some time to decide'

if you accept any of this you are in for a huge **** sandwich, more than you already have.

She needs to have the divorce papers in her hand ( which you can stop at any time), and be told she has about 30 minutes to either move out to her studio and sign the papers, or dump the boyfriend with no more contact.

You are actually in control her unless you continue to let her dictate to you because she has this guy she is having fun with. 

like I said in the beginning. it is simple. You either accept it at this point or you do not.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

graphiclimbo said:


> I get the impression that she just wants to leave and doesn't have the courage to say it


I get a similar impression, although it seems to me that she actually DID say it.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

graphiclimbo said:


> Hey all, thank you for reading this and I am glad to have found a place where I can talk and hopefully seek advice and similar experiences to share.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 5 years now and we have a 3 1/2 year old son, who was born 1 year after we got married.
> 
> ...


You are doing the exact opposite of what you need to do. It seems counterintuitive but by pursuing her, begging her etc, you are actually chasing her away. She is treating you terribly.

Get more proof, VAR her car or work space
Do the 180 oh her
Tell your friends/family what she has done
Start living your life without her
See a divorce attorney and consider getting custody of your son

She needs to be hit with reality, she's in an affair fog, and having an affair whether EA or PA.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cross-posting from another thread...



GusPolinski said:


> Her request for "space"? That's waywardwifespeak for "I wanna bang this other guy for a while to see if maybe there's enough there for a real, actual relationship. If not, I *might* come back. But if I do... it will be only until the next guy comes along."


If proof of adultery would be of use to you in terms of securing better terms in a divorce (start speaking w/ divorce attorneys), then by all means, pursue it; if not, just go ahead and file.


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

graphiclimbo said:


> I get the impression that she just wants to leave and doesn't have the courage to say it?


Well she left didn't she? Judge her actions not her words. You don't know what she told her parents or what she is doing right now.

She lied repeatedly, she betrayed and it's 99.999999% sure she cheated physically, 100% emotionally.

Don't pursue her, care for your son, get legal advice and proceed getting your life back on track. No need to run after a cheater like a dog. Investigate further if it benefits your case (lawyer will tell you that) and go for a D nonetheless. 

Tell her parents why she is there and tell your family and friends as well. Find out if OM has wife/gf and if so tell her as well. 

You need to take the initiative or she will write the story with her truth.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Need space and privacy = so I can cheat easier


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wow, been there to some degree. Your mind is trying to protect you from an ugly truth. Please clarify, are you paying any of the rent for their shack up up loft. 

You need to learn about, exposure, gas lighting, DARVO, the fog and red flags to start. What state do you live in? if you do not feel comrtable posting it could you PM me? Here are some links for you to view

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/10964-steps-stop-affair.html

What is DARVO?

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

This post I am cutting and posting. It is the most complete guide I've read


A strategy*

Author: @MEM11363
Editor: *@Marduk

If you are reading this it's because the most important person in the world - betrayed you. Sorry you're here. The good news is that you are the product of thousands of generations of clever, resourceful, tough ancestors who navigated flood, famine and ice age and consequently much stronger than you realize. You might love and want your partner, but you don't need them. Accept that and allow it to inform your actions to maximize your outcome. Conversely, choose to believe and act as if you need your spouse, and bring your worst fears to fruition. Love is your friend, need and neediness are your enemy.*

From the point of discovery forward you ought to focus on regaining your emotional equilibrium. It's hard to do because you naturally feel disoriented. Your primary human anchor just pulled up. Pick a trusted friend with a balanced view of your marriage and talk to them. Exercise is critical. Sleep may be tough. Catch up on weekends if possible. Try to prioritize this stuff until you've gotten through the worst of the disorientation. Avoid alcohol, drugs and opposite sex entanglements.

With that as prelude, the guidelines below are intended to help you navigate the Rapids:
- Assess the overall marriage
- Confirm that your spouse feels the same way
- Execute either an ALL IN reconciliation or the cleanest possible extraction from the marriage

I'm going to write this gender neutral - with one exception. Physical intimidation is not only maritally toxic - it may come back to bite you hard in family court. Pretend your spouse is recording, nay videotaping every conversation.*

Assessment: The goal is to search your soul and/or your gut to decide whether you think the marriage worth saving. Might help you to ask yourself some tough questions. Thing is, most folks feel some amount of love when they marry. And love is a beautiful thing. But for the long game, and marriage is the ultimate long game - compatibility rules. Love sans compatibility is the worst pairing of all. Virtually guarantees unhappiness. No oath, no vow will stop an unhappy person from cheating - either via a continuation of the affair or a brand new one. So roll back to just before you 'think' the affair started and answer the following queries.*

1. From that vantage if you could choose all over again, would you marry this person?*
2. How would your partner answer that question had they been asked it pre-affair?
3. Do/did you love each other?
4. Are you compatible?*
5. How much did my spouse accept and/or seek my company?
6. My non sexual touch
7. Sex*
8. Overall did they do a good job of making me feel loved/important?
9. Did I do a good job of making them feel loved/important?
10. Was your partner overall trustworthy, reliable and focused on you? 11. Or did they have a wandering eye, a flirtatious posture towards others.*
12. Did they let you marry them, or want to marry you?*
13. Do they feel sick about betraying you?
14. Or only sick they have been caught?
15. Or only sick at the prospect of being exposed to friends/family?
16. Or only sick at the thought of having to end the affair?*
17. Have they cheated on prior partners?*

After answering those questions you ought to have a good feel about recon or divorce.*

If you want to reconcile, it is time to discover what your partner wants.*
1. Do they want to stay married/try and reconcile?
2. Why did they cheat?*
3. What are they willing to DO to rebuild trust and heal?
4. Write a no contact letter?
5. Make a no contact call in your presence?
6. End the affair without one last get together for closure?
7. Provide transparency via phones and passwords etc?
8. Resume (if the affair interrupted it) a normal sex life with you?
9. Provide you with whatever details you want including a timeline of the affair?
10. Transfer departments or change employers entirely if their AP is from work?*
11. Take a test for STDs
12. Take a pregnancy test

Regarding (2), listen carefully. Might learn stuff ends up improving your marriage. The responses to (2) range from: we had a good marriage and I behaved selfishly and that is entirely on me. To you are the worst spouse since Henry the eighth and that is the ONLY reason I cheated. What they say might however, have real merit. For instance: you stopped sleeping with me years ago, or you consistently rejected my requests to spend time together. If you were the primary cause of a weak marriage, you need to decide if you can fix it. And you should acknowledge that and commit to fixing it.*

Confirmation: This phase is mostly about observable behavior. Words and in this case vows - are cheap. Actions WILL confirm or contradict your assessment. Is their primary emotion remorse or resentment. The stuff they committed to doing up above - are they doing it without pressure. Or is it you dragging them along. Considerate and kind about your heightened anxiety level? Or accusing you of being controlling?*

Execution: If you've both decided to try to recon, it's critical to accept the following:*
1. The more needy you seem, the less lovable you will be. This is every bit as unfair as it is true.*
2. People use the following phrase all the time: I was crying and begging them to stay
3. Crying is ok. It's about the loss of something you prized. It shows love.
4. Begging may be the single most toxic thing a betrayed spouse typically does. Crying means: You love them and are sad at the thought of losing them. Begging means you don't love yourself very much.*
5. If their affair partner is married or living with someone, you ought to contact that person and let them know what's been happening. There are several benefits to that, the best one is this. If your spouse has truly committed to NC, won't be a big deal. If they are still prioritizing their AP, you will get an angry reaction.*
6. If their AP is a coworker they frequently interact with, that's an inherently difficult situation. The focus should be on their prioritizing a transfer/company change.
7. Your perception of time is now different. Before Dday - you likely weren't nearly as impacted if they were running a bit late and didn't call. When it happens after Dday, you feel a lot more anxious. Thing is, if you call or text them every time they are officially one minute late, they will love you less. Doesn't mean you ought to be a doormat. If they are routinely way late without a call - that is a very bad sign. At minimum it means they are comfortable knowingly causing you intense distress.
8. Sex is a great litmus test for whether the recon is genuine. A WS who, upon discovery abandons, or continues to abandon the marital bed, is likely insincere.
9. Some folks advocate a zero tolerance shock and awe approach to demanding they stop the affair. This is a: choose right now one way or the other approach.*
10. Others are willing to compete with the AP over a period of time when faced with a WS who openly refuses to stop the affair. This is more likely a good strategy if you believe your pre-affair conduct was a significant contributor to the affair and want your spouse to see the 'new and improved' you before insisting they choose. And in some cases, this approach results in their choosing to end it of their own free will. Most folks find this competition period intensely stressful. If your partner is either selfish or has weak character, they will string this out as long as you allow. And will constantly move the goal posts for what you must do to win them back. This path MUST have a bright line end date.*
11. There are many paths to successful recon. However, a partner who continues a sexual relationship with their AP, while refusing to sleep with you, rarely reconciles. They tend to totally lose respect for you for tolerating it.*
12. Last but not least. You may be tempted to employ some extreme tactics in an effort to recon. These include your use of third parties either to advise of shame your partner. See examples below.*

Option 1: Attempting to cripple your partner so they CAN'T leave. If you go this route, eventually everyone you know will know that - you've turned into a psychopath - including your children and the family court judge. Good luck with that.*

BS: I just called the last of our friends and family and sent an email out to them as well. I told them what you did to me and the children. And asked them to contact you and tell you how wrong it is to destroy our family for a few cheap fvcks. I also contacted your employer and made a big fuss. I think they're going to fire you. And when I spoke to your AP's spouse, they told me they are going to try and work it out with your AP. And I also called the minister at our church. So go ahead and divorce me. Just know that you have no friends, your family is on my side, you will shortly be unemployed, you are unwelcome at our church and your AP is likely going to dump you. One last thing, I told the kids too. They were spitting mad.

Option 2: AKA - the voice of reason approach
BS: Picks one person who knows and loves their WS. Swears that person to secrecy and asks them to reach out to the WS and try and support them through the fog. The message to the friend is short and practical. I believe we had a good marriage and can recover. WS is lost in the fog. If you believe WS will end up regretting a divorce, maybe you can support me in helping them navigate out of the fog.*

Obviously there are many points on the spectrum between option 1 and option 2. A small modification to option 2 is to disclose to the partner of your spouse's AP. That person is in the same boat you are. That's actually a very effective step.

Here is the link*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/315681-cwi-strategy.html


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think you need to go with your gut feeling on this one, I think you have figured it out. I wonder if maybe she is torn by the emotional connection with this man and leaving her child's father. I think the only plus you have on your side is your ability to be a good dad to your child. If that does not win her back she is gone.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

In 5 short years of your relationship, she cheats. She is even brazen and entitled about it.Your wife cares nothing for you or your child. She traded in the security of your son to make herself available to the OM. 

What do you really want? If you beg her to stay, she may agree after the OM grows bored. But then you are married to someone who does not value you and may walk away at any time. Having a small child complicates things. 

But you can't make them more complicated by going along with her crazy living arrangements. Tell her that separate rooms means separate lives. You come together to raise your child. You date other women, if they agree to date a man in an open marriage. 

Tell her she is either all in the marriage or all out. Tell what work you expect of her to earn back your trust. If she reacts badly to that, you have no reason to remain married. 

She will eventually regret what she has done. If you need to D and find a better person, you will not regret leaving a cheater.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I would call her and let her know that if she wants to go back home to Mumsy, then you'll pack up the rest of her stuff and deliver it and since your the one taking care of the child, let her know you'll expect child support from her and then go find a lawyer and let her know that you mean business.

She wants her cake and to eat it too. If you let her, she'll eat you alive besides the cake so play hardball with her.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Luckily she moved out. You should file for divorce and have her separate residence count as hers. She if your lawyer can claim that she abandoned the marital home.

Read about the 180. Forget about nicing her back. She is gone. The level of disrespect is too great for recovery.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry.
> 
> She dumped you for the other man.
> 
> ...


I absolutely agree with this. Do the 180 and cut her out unless it involves the kids. And yeah...close down the studio!!!! Get a good lawyer! She is dumb and you deserve so much better.


----------

