# Needing support and advice



## Biancaa93 (Jan 19, 2021)

My husband (29) and I (28) have been married for 2 years and in a relationship for 10 years. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs. A major problem with our relationship was that he is an alcoholic. For years he would always go out and not come back until the next day. He wouldn’t text or call me back. He was always getting drunk at his cousins house. Then one day his own cousin didn’t want anything to do with him. So now he just stayed home and got drunk and super high from weed. For a few years he did do cocaine as well. I do admit during this time I had failed at paying attention to myself and consumed myself into trying to help him get better and telling him that he can do better. I didn’t partake on the all the drinking but I did smoke weed a lot. 

My dad passed away May 2013. I got a call from my mom telling me my dad wasn’t breathing. We lived in the same apartment complex. I just ran to my moms and saw my dad get taken away on the ambulance with my little sisters who were (11, 7 and 1) my dad died from a heart attack. I was crushed. My husband wasn’t by myside. He was more worried about getting drunk with everyone else instead of actually checking on me. 

We have dealt with many deaths within our family in the last 10 years. We never got the help we needed to be able to process everything going on. He was also depressed. He would stress about work constantly. His own family didn’t want to deal with him because of his drinking and just not taking anything seriously. At the end of the day we vented to each other about all this toxic things happening in our lives that it made us both very negative towards the end. 

Towards the last few years we got stuck in a cycle of just being at home with only my husband. Getting high all day, every day. Then him getting drunk most of the nights. There would be times when I would tell him how I’m feeling and say that we need to stop smoking/drinking and focus on our life together. His response would be silence. No care in the world about how depressed I’ve been feeling or just talking about my day. 

I admit I enabled this behavior. I went and took him to get his beer. I was so consumed in our relationship that I didn’t care if I was enabling his habit. 

I have always had a steady full time job. He was working for a good company but worked graveyards. My husband lost his job right after we got eloped. During that time he was in between jobs. He started working at a farm and he would get drunk while at work. He got fired from that job. Then he got a job at a grocery store in Jan/2020.

2020 was a very hard year for me. I was struggling with my depression and had an abortion because I didn’t think we could handle bringing a child into the life I was living. During this time I wasn’t tying to get help with my depression. In my head if I smoke weed it cures my depression. 

My husband started his new job as a route driver in May 2020.

In July I had hit my rock bottom. I wanted to get my own place and find myself again. I was so lost I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I didn’t want a divorce just to separate and find myself. Then I had second thoughts and told my husband I want to make it work out here. I stayed. 

One night in August 2020 I had went out to spend time with my cousin. My husband stayed home and invited a friend over to drink. When I got home something told me to check his Snapchat. I have been a little suspicious because he was always on it texting someone. 

He was talking to some girl but it wasn’t flirting. I had no idea who this girl was. I woke my husband up and we started arguing. This girl he had worked with at the grocery store. Okay made him delete her from his friend list. 

Something didn’t feel right after a couple of days so I asked him to please stay at his sisters house. He did. I am a very caring person and will always care for Charlie. 

One day he came over and we talked. He was so drunk that I offered for him to stay in the sofa. He declined because he said he wanted sex and couldn’t do it. The next morning he calls me at 5 am. He came over and told me he had something to tell me. 

He proceeded to tell me that he had been talking to a 19 year old girl he used to work with. They had been talking since May 2020. This whole time when I was depressed and trying my best to make our relationship work out. They went as far as them sexting and planning to meet up. He told me that she was going to be a teacher and going to school. Then he said they didn’t meet up that he decided he didn’t want to go. 

As soon as he told me he left to work. I was stunned. I felt like he just stabbed me in the back. Like everything that I have done for this person, all the meals I cooked, all the laughs we had, didn’t mean anything to him. I felt betrayed and hurt. 

Right after I got confused because he had came over and we talked. Then we proceeded to have the kinkiest sex after I was crying. I was so confused. One minute I knew I want to leave him I was done. Then after the sex I decided I wanted to make it work. 

I stayed with him all of September 2020 but decided to move to my moms in October. I was doing good. Working out and talking to a therapist. Then I moved into my own place in November. 

This whole time I was coming to the realization that I didn’t want to be in this marriage anymore. The thing where I ****ed up was that I didn’t tell my husband how I was feeling. While I was mentally checking out of this marriage he was doing the opposite.

He had started going to AA, he has sponsors and he stopped smoking and drinking. He is actually doing great.

I ****ed up. I led him into believe that we were going to try and make it work. During this time I had been telling my family that I was going to file for divorce. My husband would constantly come to my house and stay the night. I feel horrible but at the time i didn’t care about his feeling or what he was doing. 

The dumb ass in me started flirting with guys. In mid December. I asked for a divorce before the new year. 

I randomly hooked up with some guy I met off of IG. A week after I asked for divorce. I regret doing this. I messed up any chance of being civil with my husband. I ruined our relationship by me hooking up with someone. 

I told my husband the truth. About the way I have been feeling about our relationship, me leading him on, regretting not asking for a divorce sooner but I was confused. Then apologized for messing up by sleeping with someone. When I admitted for hooking up with someone he looked broken. He was hurt. I hurt this man that I cared so deeply for. 

I should have thought about his feelings and how it would make both of us look. I was being a very selfish person and only thinking about myself. I was being careless and reckless. I didn’t even stop to think about my husband. 

When I saw my husband look broken I realized what I had done was not cool. I had ****ed up any chance there was of us being friends. We were ending on good terms and I messed it all up. I lost my other half completely. 

I am feeling so lost right now. I am upset because I hurt this person that shared my life for 10 years. I am beating myself up for being so petty and for choosing to go the wrong way. 

How do I even cope with this feeling of ruining the relationship.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Is the guy you hooked up with still in the picture? How many times did you sleep with him? Are you in contact with him in any way? What did your husband say when you told him that you had slept with this guy? Did he ask for details? Did you tell him everything or sugar coated it?


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## Biancaa93 (Jan 19, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Is the guy you hooked up with still in the picture? How many times did you sleep with him? Are you in contact with him in any way? What did your husband say when you told him that you had slept with this guy? Did he ask for details? Did you tell him everything or sugar coated it?


The guy that I hooked up with isn’t in the picture anymore. We only hooked up a few times and I cut off contact because I realized what I was doing wasn’t right.
My husband was very hurt and told me not to talk to him anymore. We have since talked but he would rather not talk about personal issues with me. It’s only contact for legal issues.
I’m going to be honest. I didn't go into detail about the hook up to him. He didn’t ask either. He only asked if I slept with someone and I admitted to the truth. He told me this morning he forgives me. I can’t forgive myself for hurting someone I shared my life with.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Biancaa93 said:


> My husband (29) and I (28) have been married for 2 years and in a relationship for 10 years. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs. A major problem with our relationship was that he is an alcoholic. For years he would always go out and not come back until the next day. He wouldn’t text or call me back. He was always getting drunk at his cousins house. Then one day his own cousin didn’t want anything to do with him. So now he just stayed home and got drunk and super high from weed. For a few years he did do cocaine as well. I do admit during this time I had failed at paying attention to myself and consumed myself into trying to help him get better and telling him that he can do better. I didn’t partake on the all the drinking but I did smoke weed a lot.
> 
> My dad passed away May 2013. I got a call from my mom telling me my dad wasn’t breathing. We lived in the same apartment complex. I just ran to my moms and saw my dad get taken away on the ambulance with my little sisters who were (11, 7 and 1) my dad died from a heart attack. I was crushed. My husband wasn’t by myside. He was more worried about getting drunk with everyone else instead of actually checking on me.
> 
> ...


So you didn't ruin your relationship, your relationship was toxic to begin with. But you should take a long hard look at your part in that. You state that you enabled his behavior and now you cheated on him. It wasn't nice what you did and frankly you probably did ruin any chances you had of being friends, but the chances were not great anyway. Usually once people break up the chance of them staying friends are small. You end up having new relationships and moving on with your life, generally your long term ex's don't fit with this, with your new partners comfort being a big reason why. Most new partners are not really comfortable with the old ones hanging around. Besides it's inevitable that you will eventually drift apart. That is just how life works. That doesn't make what you did OK, it was cruel and I am sure he is feeling a world of pain. I can tell you regret it and it sucks for everyone. 

To me it seems like your problem is being non-confrontational and not being willing to tell people what you want and what your expectations are. If you had broken up with him it would have been painful no doubt but the feeling of betrayal could have all been avoided. But even before that if you had told him your concerns with his drinking maybe he would have made the strides he seems to be making before all the damage was done. That is the lesson and to some I guess it's counterintuitive, but when you don't tell people how you feel and what your expectations are you are NOT being a good friend.

One of the main reasons you are not being a good friend is because you are not being honest in the friendship. Also it has been my experience that being non-confrontation is almost always about being selfish. It's about avoiding being honest with your friends so you can avoid being personally uncomfortable or facing possible backlash that may cause. But good friendships need to be able to have disagreements and survive. This is actually a good way to strengthen or at least gauge if you truly are in a good relationship, or friendship. You need to work on that. Have high standards and hold yourself and people in your life to it.

As for you soon to be ex, all you can do is apologize but accept the fact that he may just be done with you and that will probably be better for his healing. In a sense a good thing that could come out of this would be him being focused and moving on without you and giving up all hope, thus moving on quicker. You being friends would have been hard even if you hadn't cheated. But it probably is impossible now, and those are your consequences.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am trying to understand if you really want to work things out with your husband and if so, why? Also, is there even a remote possibility that if things do not work out with your husband (and it appears to be going that way), that you would reconnect with your AP? Was there an attraction there that you would build on or a possibility of an on-going relationship?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry, it sounds like a crappy marriage you should have been out of long ago, and not surprised you strayed. Not sure either why his many problems became your fault.


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## karla.vee (Jan 22, 2021)

Biancaa93 said:


> My husband (29) and I (28) have been married for 2 years and in a relationship for 10 years. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs. A major problem with our relationship was that he is an alcoholic. For years he would always go out and not come back until the next day. He wouldn’t text or call me back. He was always getting drunk at his cousins house. Then one day his own cousin didn’t want anything to do with him. So now he just stayed home and got drunk and super high from weed. For a few years he did do cocaine as well. I do admit during this time I had failed at paying attention to myself and consumed myself into trying to help him get better and telling him that he can do better. I didn’t partake on the all the drinking but I did smoke weed a lot.
> 
> My dad passed away May 2013. I got a call from my mom telling me my dad wasn’t breathing. We lived in the same apartment complex. I just ran to my moms and saw my dad get taken away on the ambulance with my little sisters who were (11, 7 and 1) my dad died from a heart attack. I was crushed. My husband wasn’t by myside. He was more worried about getting drunk with everyone else instead of actually checking on me.
> 
> ...





Biancaa93 said:


> My husband (29) and I (28) have been married for 2 years and in a relationship for 10 years. Our relationship has had it’s ups and downs. A major problem with our relationship was that he is an alcoholic. For years he would always go out and not come back until the next day. He wouldn’t text or call me back. He was always getting drunk at his cousins house. Then one day his own cousin didn’t want anything to do with him. So now he just stayed home and got drunk and super high from weed. For a few years he did do cocaine as well. I do admit during this time I had failed at paying attention to myself and consumed myself into trying to help him get better and telling him that he can do better. I didn’t partake on the all the drinking but I did smoke weed a lot.
> 
> My dad passed away May 2013. I got a call from my mom telling me my dad wasn’t breathing. We lived in the same apartment complex. I just ran to my moms and saw my dad get taken away on the ambulance with my little sisters who were (11, 7 and 1) my dad died from a heart attack. I was crushed. My husband wasn’t by myside. He was more worried about getting drunk with everyone else instead of actually checking on me.
> 
> ...


Hey there, I am currently going through a very similar situation. I am 28 and my ex boyfriend is 30. Although we weren’t married it definitely felt like it, we were together for 7.5 years. Our problems were different but they basically led to the same outcome. We broke up in October and I am still trying to figure out how to cope and move on without him. I loved him so very much and I miss him like no other. I am also trying to deal with the guilt that I carry with me. If you would like to talk about this with someone who is currently experiencing something similar, let me know. I think we might be able to help each other, or at offer support to one another.


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