# 10 Common Myths About Sexless Marriages.



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Warning: Long but rather interesting post!

I came across this article while browsing through some Psychology , Counseling & Therapy websites , and thought it was a very interesting perspective, given its source.

I have no experience in a " sexless marriage " so I always took it for granted that sex was a normal part of marriage. At least I was taught so.
However reading TAM has challenged my thinking on this issue.

So here goes.

Myths About Sexless Marriage

1) *Sexless couples rarely or never have sex. *
Some sexless couples still occasionally have sex. For instance, one couple had sex almost every day when first married, and could hardly keep their hands off each other. After several years, they settled into a pattern of sex once or twice a month. Sometimes they went three or four months without sex, and when they had sex it was passionless and mechanical. Although they usually both had orgasms, there was no eroticism, passion, kindness, or generosity to it. As far as they were concerned, their relationship was sexless and barren.

2)*Sexless couples are likely to be older. *
Although frequency of sex declines as people get older, many young couples do not have sex. Because of stereotypes that young couples have sex all the time, they silently suffer thinking they are really screwed up and their relationship is doomed in future years. Most people believe adolescence is the sexual prime of life, but this refers to genital response. Many people are much better in bed when they get older. Becoming more comfortable with your sexuality, your body-and accepting yourself in general-really helps. It turns out that cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated.

3)*Women are more likely to be the low desire partner in their relationship. *
In half the couples who come to the Marriage and Family Health Center for sexual desire problems, the man is the low desire partner. Some studies find women more often report low sexual desire than men, but this may mean women are more sensitive to their own lack of desire and more willing to report it. Lesbian and gay male couples struggle with sexual desire problems too. The phrase "Lesbian bed death" underscores this common development.

4) *The low desire partner is hung up about sex. *
This is one of the greatest surprises for couples. *There is a low desire partner (and a high desire partner) in every relationship, whether you have sexual problems or not. "Low desire" and "high desire" are relative positions in a relationship, rather than something measured against a numerical preferred frequency.* In many cases, the low desire partner is actually more erotically inclined and/or more sexually experienced than the high desire partner. *The low desire partner knows the sex they're having isn't worth wanting, that's why they're not interested. It's the high desire partner's desire for additional servings of lousy sex that needs to be questioned.*

5) *Sex dies in marriage. *
Unmarried couples are more likely to have sex. Research says the marital bed is still the hot bed of sex. Married couples are more likely to have more sex, and more varied sex, than single people. For instance, oral sex is more common in married couples rather than single couples. Granted, many couples go through periods where sex disappears, but this is not necessarily the death knell of sex, for reasons outlined below.

6) *Rekindling desire is virtually impossible once it dies.*
Rekindling sexual desire is not a snap, but it certainly is doable if you address it directly. Most couples have to rekindle sex, because sexual boredom is virtually certain due to the way sex operates in long-term relationships. Once couples rule out everything that makes them nervous, they do whatever is left over. Years of "leftovers" makes sex boring. However, sexual novelty is only introduced by one partner suggesting something new that the other isn't completely comfortable doing.

7) *Couples are either sexually compatible or they're not. *
Sexual compatibility is not a matter of liking the same sexual behaviors, or preferring the same meanings and styles of sex. This can be nothing more than simply finding someone who has similar sexual hang-ups and limitations, and promising never to grow. *Sexual compatibility is the ability to adapt to differences in each other's sexual preferences. This becomes particularly important when sexual boredom sets in, and one of you proposes something new. Think of sexual compatibility as two people being willing to stretch themselves sexually, rather than stick with the same old things they like in common.
*
8)* Desire isn't something you can make yourself feel, either you do or you don't. It's like "sexual chemistry.*
The common idea of "sexual chemistry" has two main parts: One is that when you have "chemistry," sex is effortless and automatic. The other is that once sex dies, the "chemicals" are used up and there is nothing you can do. This erroneous viewpoint is popular because we love the notion that sexual relationships don't take work if you're "meant for each other" or "in love." However, there are lots of things you can do to get yourself in the mood for sex. For example, loose that extra ten pounds, let yourself fantasize in advance, take a nice bath, or wear sexy underwear that make you feel hot. Confronting underlying problems in your relationship can really help too.

9)*Sexual desire problems mean you're falling out of love or something else is going wrong in your marriage.*
Normal couples have sexual desire problems because the processes of self-development permeate love relationships. *This shows up as arguments about autonomy, power, status, and feeling controlled. When you and your partner are struggling over whether you (your body) first belong(s) to yourself (and you can share if you want to) or your partner has a right to your body because you agreed to monogamy, it's not uncommon to stop having sex for months or a year or more.*

10) *Hormonal problems are the most common cause of low desire problems. *
Many things can cause sexual desire problems, and some involves hormonal problems, medical illnesses, and medications. But many other things cause sexual desire problems, including the natural processes of emotionally committed relationships. This doesn't mean marriage kills sex and intimacy (as many people believe.) It's just a midpoint in a process that can ultimately make you capable of profound desire and greater capacity to love. Many couples try to hide conflicts in their marriage, by automatically presuming the problem is hormonal rather than interpersonal.


I think # 4 ,7,8,9 & 10 are very interesting and goes counter to what is often said here on TAM about sex and attraction in marriage, and I think I agree.

Your thoughts?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> 1) *Sexless couples rarely or never have sex. *
> Some sexless couples still occasionally have sex. For instance, one couple had sex almost every day when first married, and could hardly keep their hands off each other. After several years, they settled into a pattern of sex once or twice a month. Sometimes they went three or four months without sex, and when they had sex it was passionless and mechanical. Although they usually both had orgasms, there was no eroticism, passion, kindness, or generosity to it. As far as they were concerned, their relationship was sexless and barren.


 Sex Therapists consider it 10 or less times a year to be sexless..and after a survey said 15-20% of couples fall into this....

Sexless marriage - Wikipedia



> 2)*Sexless couples are likely to be older. *
> Although frequency of sex declines as people get older, many young couples do not have sex. Because of stereotypes that young couples have sex all the time, they silently suffer thinking they are really screwed up and their relationship is doomed in future years. Most people believe adolescence is the sexual prime of life, but this refers to genital response. Many people are much better in bed when they get older. Becoming more comfortable with your sexuality, your body-and accepting yourself in general-really helps. It turns out that cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated.


 Lack of communication, anger/resentment, sexual dysfunction, porn addiction, sexual aversion, lives too busy, allowing children to be the focus.. all some causes as well. 



> 3)*Women are more likely to be the low desire partner in their relationship. *
> In half the couples who come to the Marriage and Family Health Center for sexual desire problems, the man is the low desire partner. Some studies find women more often report low sexual desire than men, b*ut this may mean women are more sensitive to their own lack of desire and more willing to report it.*


 Being a woman, I would never be able to put up with a low drive man, not when all my friends are whining they wish their husbands would leave them alone/ why do they need it so much... I'd want to .... and us women being more emotional to begin with, how that would make us feel [email protected]#$ ... Then reading about all the suffering men out there, I know the guys at my husband's work place, 80% of them act as if they are in sexless marriages, it seems the men always have someone to let off some steam with about it..women not so much, takes a tremendous hit to her self esteem that her husband doesn't desire her.... 



> 4) *The low desire partner is hung up about sex. *
> This is one of the greatest surprises for couples. *There is a low desire partner (and a high desire partner) in every relationship, whether you have sexual problems or not. "Low desire" and "high desire" are relative positions in a relationship, rather than something measured against a numerical preferred frequency.* In many cases, the low desire partner is actually more erotically inclined and/or more sexually experienced than the high desire partner. *The low desire partner knows the sex they're having isn't worth wanting, that's why they're not interested. It's the high desire partner's desire for additional servings of lousy sex that needs to be questioned.*


 I feel it's very important for the Higher Drive Partner to Go out of his or her way to spice things UP, be creative , seek to learn what turns their lower drive partner on...When I was higher drive, I really took the bull by the horns here....It began to bother me... in comparison , to how little my husband got creative in our past...when he wanted more sex but chose the passive route instead. Not that I was ever low drive, but He could have EASILY had more sex with me back in the day, by shaking things up a bit, more flirting, arousing...instead of rolling over. 



> 6) *Rekindling desire is virtually impossible once it dies.*
> Rekindling sexual desire is not a snap, but it certainly is doable if you address it directly. Most couples have to rekindle sex, because sexual boredom is virtually certain due to the way sex operates in long-term relationships. Once couples rule out everything that makes them nervous, they do whatever is left over. Years of "leftovers" makes sex boring. However, sexual novelty is only introduced by one partner suggesting something new that the other isn't completely comfortable doing.


Book by that name here >> Rekindling Desire: A Step-by-Step Program to Help Low-Sex and No-Sex Marriages:  

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple's Guide: 

Intimacy & Desire: Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship: 

Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems and Revolutionizing Your Relationship: 



> 7) *Couples are either sexually compatible or they're not. *
> Sexual compatibility is not a matter of liking the same sexual behaviors, or preferring the same meanings and styles of sex. This can be nothing more than simply finding someone who has similar sexual hang-ups and limitations, and promising never to grow. *Sexual compatibility is the ability to adapt to differences in each other's sexual preferences. This becomes particularly important when sexual boredom sets in, and one of you proposes something new. Think of sexual compatibility as two people being willing to stretch themselves sexually, rather than stick with the same old things they like in common.
> *
> 8)* Desire isn't something you can make yourself feel, either you do or you don't. It's like "sexual chemistry.*
> The common idea of "sexual chemistry" has two main parts: One is that when you have "chemistry," sex is effortless and automatic. The other is that once sex dies, the "chemicals" are used up and there is nothing you can do. This erroneous viewpoint is popular because we love the notion that sexual relationships don't take work if you're "meant for each other" or "in love." However, there are lots of things you can do to get yourself in the mood for sex. For example, loose that extra ten pounds, let yourself fantasize in advance, take a nice bath, or wear sexy underwear that make you feel hot. Confronting underlying problems in your relationship can really help too.


One of my favorite books on this subject >>

To come to understand our Partner's Lover style ..when different from our own...could be a saving grace.....







When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life 







...also *Exercises *in the back touching on "What I hope for in my Sexual relationship"...."Describing the Mismatch"..."The Cycle of misunderstanding"..."Reasons to stay, Reasons to leave"...



> *There are 10 libido types*:
> 
> *1*. *Sensual*- What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that  of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.
> 
> ...





> 9)*Sexual desire problems mean you're falling out of love or something else is going wrong in your marriage.*
> Normal couples have sexual desire problems because the processes of self-development permeate love relationships. *This shows up as arguments about autonomy, power, status, and feeling controlled. When you and your partner are struggling over whether you (your body) first belong(s) to yourself (and you can share if you want to) or your partner has a right to your body because you agreed to monogamy, it's not uncommon to stop having sex for months or a year or more.*
> 
> 10) *Hormonal problems are the most common cause of low desire problems. *
> Many things can cause sexual desire problems, and some involves hormonal problems, medical illnesses, and medications. But many other things cause sexual desire problems, including the natural processes of emotionally committed relationships. This doesn't mean marriage kills sex and intimacy (as many people believe.) It's just a midpoint in a process that can ultimately make you capable of profound desire and greater capacity to love. Many couples try to hide conflicts in their marriage, by automatically presuming the problem is hormonal rather than interpersonal.


 Hormonal birth control, depression meds - very common to ZAP the sex drive.. I recall one thread on here where the wife stopped the Pill and WOW... she woke up to a whole nother reality and she was chasing her husband down, she felt HORRIBLE coming to the realization that she rejected him FOR YEARS ...and it was due to the pill sucking her drive away... 

As far as SSRI's...Wonderful Wellbutrin? 



> SSRIs have become notorious for causing sex problems: libido loss, weak orgasms, difficulty in reaching or inability to reach orgasm and, in men, erection impairment. Depending on the study, 50 to 80 percent of SSRI users report at least one sexual side effect. Many SSRI users insist they are willing to forgo sexual satisfaction to escape from the horrors of depression. But others are unhappy about SSRI-induced sex problems.
> 
> Unfortunately, few people know that another antidepressant, Wellbutrin (chemical name: bupropion), is as effective as the SSRIs — but much less likely to cause sexual side effects. And most don’t know that several studies have shown that Wellbutrin has sex-enhancing effects.


Low Testosterone Effects on Sex Drive: Low Libido and More

Male Menopause - Low Testosterone Can Cause Low Sex Drive & Erectile Dysfunction - Sharecare


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Thanks for your detailed response SA.
I must say that your response to # 7 caught my attention.
I have never really considered that there were certain " Libido Types" until I read that part.
Hmmmm, interesting.

I can easily see myself as # 2, and my wife reciprocates.
Maybe we're a match? I'm asking this is all honesty, because based on this list , I am beginning to see more clearly where the mismatch in some sexless marriages might begin, and why it progresses over a period of time.

Could it be really a huge misunderstanding of how sexual intimacy in a long term relationship really works ,or lack of deep communication?



There are 10 libido types:

*1. Sensual-* What you value most is the "emotional connection" a sense of being life partners....your sensual feeling of sexual desire can persist for hours or days, but it is not necessarily urgent unless your partner shows she is in the mood. Pleasing your partner gives you considerable pleasure ~ seeing that of contentment on her face in the afterglow ... ...greatest satisfaction comes from mutual pleasure - this does not depend on any particular technique or activity.

*2. Erotic-* enjoys frequent sexual touch, such as fondling the breasts, patting the bottom, stroking the genitals, as well as prolonged & exciting sex. You are likely to interpret a partners failure to initiate any of these activities or to respond positively to mean either (1) there is something wrong with the relationship or (2) your partner. You crave passion, excitement & variety to feel that your relationship is vibrant & sustainable.

*3. Compulsive-* You find it difficult to be aroused and enjoy sex unless It involves a special object or situation. Sex is more about satisfying your inner needs that have arisen from increasing physical tension & mental preoccupation. If you are able to maintain a separate sexual relationship with your partner in which the paraphilia plays only a minor role, then partnered sex can be about emotional intimacy between you.

*4. Dependent-* regular sexual release is necessary to maintain a sense of calmness & well being...Without this, other aspects of your life are put under pressure.. if the need is met often enough, you feel loved / a shared enjoyment. If your partner is unwilling at the frequency you require, you interpret this to mean that you are unloved/ unimportant in your partners priorities - regardless of anything they may say or do to reassure you.

*5. Stressed-* I feel sexual desire..but I avoid sex because I worry I can't please my partner. You experience considerable regret when you recall your previous periods of having a good physical sex drive & reliable response. You want sex to be an expression of committed love & affection.... but your feelings of failure & inadequacy currently overwhelm this. Sex has come to mean "fear" of letting your partner down or possible rejection.

*6. Disinterested-* I don't think It would bother me if I never had sex again...Whether this is a result of stress or just not holding an important place in the relationship. You can't understand why your partner needs sex ...Sex achieves meaning for you only through what it means to your partner. 
If your partner is happy with infrequent sex , you may occasionally have sex as an afterthought to emotional intimacy... but if infrequent sex becomes an issue for your partner, sex for you becomes an OBLIGATION to maintain the relationship.... You may find your partners focus on sex offensive to mean you are only valuable in the relationship if you are providing sex. 

*7. Detached -* I'm not worried about sex; it's just easier to relieve sexual frustration with masturbation. Under good circumstances sex is an expression of intimacy/ commitment but having other competing demands such as work obligations /being in a troubled relationship diminishes it's importance, it can come to mean a distracting burden. Chances are you was a different Libido type who enjoyed partnered sex... then something changed.

*8. Addictive-* I find it difficult to resist sex with other partners despite being in a long term relationship. 2 schools of thought...one is the Addictives pursue their interests because of low self esteem & the other is because of high self esteem -they believe they are great lovers , either way... your activities/affairs appears to be an affirmation of your sexual attractiveness & abilities.

*9. Entitled- *you believe you are entitled to get the sex life you want & you tend to interpret your partner as being unreasonable & punishing for not conducting your sexual relationship on your terms. ...if you are being denied, you feel your partner is controlling your sex life..and this leads to resentment.
*
10. Reactive-* my sexual satisfaction only comes from pleasing my partner. Sex has several meanings..depending on which subtype you fall under....it can mean expressing love & commitment & making the relationship run more smoothly so our partners are sexually content...while for others pleasing your partner is AS MUCH for your own arousal & sexual enjoyment as it is for hers/his. For all Reactive Lovers > your partners satisfaction can also empower you & increase feelings of sexual competency.


Very interesting list.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

The article defined it well.

A sad side effect in a sexless marriage is usually withholding affection, in extreme cases even kissing has deteriorated to a peck on the cheek. Presumably because the LD partner is afraid affection will give the wrong signals. And other aspects of the marriage deteriorate as a result.

So many people suffering in a sexless marriage say they could tolerate it better if there is at least affection, as not feeling desired does the most damage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> As far as SSRI's...Wonderful Wellbutrin?


I can vouch for that! My ex-wife was on Wellbutrin for about a month at one point. She believed she was depressed, saw a doctor, and was prescribed those.

She couldn't keep her hands off me for that month, literally. A switch was flicked. It was 1 month out of 14 years that our drives actually matched, and the first time since we had started dating that she had a viable sex drive. It was amazing!

However, the drugs made her, and I'm quoting what she said at the time, "suicidal". Quite the opposite effect of what she had expected... She got off them in a hurry, given that, even though she felt she had been depressed, she had never, ever had suicidal thoughts before.

So off the pills she went, and the sex drive went with it, almost instantaneously.

It was a shame they affected her like that. Even she was bummed out. She was quite enjoying the sexual change in herself, but the side effects were (obviously) not worth the positive changes in other areas. She went into a deep funk for a little while after that..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> I can easily see myself as *# 2,* and my wife *reciprocates*.
> Maybe we're a match?


 By saying "Reciprocates" you mean *"Reactive Lover"*.... The Reactive lover will work decent with an Erotic - so long as the Erotic can get off the high horse and not expect the Reactive to be an Erotic! This was my dilemma for a time.... 

That book really helped ME understand my husband better...during my wanting him to be more DOMINANT .....and well... Erotic!! 

...I was taking it personally...it helped me resolve and rest in the way he IS...(for the most part...I'd still get side tracked now & then)...He is a *Sensual / Reactive *... I found I was an *Erotic*/ * Dependent* - also *Sensual* too though. (we always had that in common)...



> I'm asking this is all honesty, because based on this list , I am beginning to see more clearly where the mismatch in some sexless marriages might begin, and why it progresses over a period of time.
> 
> Could it be really a huge misunderstanding of how sexual intimacy in a long term relationship really works ,or *lack of deep communication?*


 Lack of deep communication ..always causes us to assume (we could be way off !!), then we get hurt feelings... and could miss each other badly....Understanding each other is ALWAYS the 1st step...but can we "*accept*" what we come to learn, this is the difficult question as a couple may not be such a good match sexually. 

I did a detailed thread on this once in this section.... (thankfully I saved it ) as it was Deleted by the Mods... I assume because it wasn't a question for help..... I also had another part to it ...which I will now add... I find this all fascinating...

*** Also a Lover Style Test CLICK HERE - just for a little more understanding of each other...(do not have to join at the end to get the results)



> ....*These 1st 4 Lover Styles prefer their Romance & Love to be "TRADITIONAL" rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary*...
> 
> *1*. *The Classic Lover*- you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, you concentrate more on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about your performance.
> 
> ...


 When getting your results....it will tell you what is the Best match for you... I was excited to learn that me & my husband were the perfect match sexually, even if a little backwards... I was the *Suave* (basically the Don Jaun)...and he came out the *Devoted Lover*.. put a big  on my face anyway.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Excellent post, CM! Regarding:-




> 3)Women are more likely to be the low desire partner in their relationship.
> In half the couples who come to the Marriage and Family Health Center for sexual desire problems, the man is the low desire partner. Some studies find women more often report low sexual desire than men, but this may mean women are more sensitive to their own lack of desire and more willing to report it. Lesbian and gay male couples struggle with sexual desire problems too. The phrase "Lesbian bed death" underscores this common development.


Women are less likely, also, to tell people that their partner doesn't want to have sex with them, for fear of it devaluing them... We're led to believe that all men think about is sex, so if a man doesn't want to have sex with us we must be well below par... In other words, I think women take a sexless marriage far more _personally_ than, perhaps, men do - even though both genders are equally affected by it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Excellent post, CM! Regarding:-
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes
I can see where some women would take it as a personal shame, and a rejection of their sexuality or their ability to arouse desire in the masculine gender or more specifically, their lover. 
Maybe thinking that maybe they're not " feminine or woman " enough for their partner.

Maybe that can account for why there are so many men on TAM who openly complain about sexless marriages?

Maybe lots of women here are also in the same position but refuse to openly admit it here. The environment here can be sexually charged which might be a disincentive to post if in such a position.
I'm just guessing here..


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Yes
> I can see where some women would take it as a personal shame, and a rejection of their sexuality or their ability to arouse desire in the masculine gender or more specifically, their lover.
> Maybe thinking that maybe they're not " feminine or woman " enough for their partner.
> 
> ...


I would say that this is very likely.

When I was in a sexless marriage, the only people I told were my mother and my therapist. I spent my time focusing on my weight, fitness, diet and appearance (after the birth of my son, at 5'4", I was down to 45kgs within 6 months) - mistakenly believing there was something wrong with ME. It was only when I went on a trip with my 3 year old and was shamelessly 'hit on' by other men that I realized it was time to make some decisions about my marriage.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Lack of deep communication ..always causes us to assume (we could be way off !!), then we get hurt feelings... and could miss each other badly....Understanding each other is ALWAYS the 1st step..*.but can we "accept" what we come to learn, this is the difficult question as a couple may not be such a good match sexually. *


I often wonder about this^^^ as well.

Based on most of the people here on TAM about sexless marriages , the problem seems to be one of accepting and compromise.

Also what are yours or anyone else reading this , lol , thoughts on point # 9 from the original ?
I don't think I've ever seen this mentioned here on these forums, but my thoughts are that maybe this might be a contributing factor.

9)*Sexual desire problems mean you're falling out of love or something else is going wrong in your marriage.*

Normal couples have sexual desire problems because the processes of self-development permeate love relationships. This shows up as arguments about autonomy, power, status, and feeling controlled. When you and your partner are struggling over whether you (your body) first belong(s) to yourself (and you can share if you want to) or your partner has a right to your body because you agreed to monogamy, it's not uncommon to stop having sex for months or a year or more.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Interesting OP. I am not sure that all of these are completely mythical. There is some truth to some of them. Very few things in life are absolute, after all.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> Interesting OP. I am not sure that all of these are completely mythical. There is some truth to some of them. Very few things in life are absolute, after all.


And I suspect you may be right.
Truth be told,
This entire discussion on LH vs HD is a bit confusing to me too, at times.

What points do you think are not myths and may be true for some cases?


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## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

Thanks for that post CM, it makes really interesting reading. Like you, since I've been reading on TAM I've started to wonder about sexless marriages ... what triggers them and how things manage to deteriorate to that level, and it is good to be aware of the mistakes that need to be avoided in order to keep one's own marriage sailing along contentedly.

I had never given these matters any thought before, but since reading here I've become aware that I am the LD person in my marriage. I'm still a sexy girl, and I enjoy sex immensely. But I do have a lower drive than my Hubby. Fortunately for us my Hubby is more than happy with our sex life and never complains ... we operate on my level of desire and have sex at my frequency rather than his. Which means that I am really selfish I know, and since becoming aware of this fact I have spoken to Hubby about it and suggested we make love more often. Hubby said there's no need for us to change anything, he doesn't want to make an issue out of something that isn't an issue, he only wants for me to be happy and he feels like the luckiest Hubby on the planet to have the quality of sex that we have at the frequency that we have it.

So I guess the key thing is if a sexual incompatability is a problem for either partner or both of them and if so, how big of a problem it is, and whether the couple are willing or able to do what is necessary to make things more compatible.

Lots to think about CM


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> And I suspect you may be right.
> Truth be told,
> This entire discussion on LH vs HD is a bit confusing to me too, at times.
> 
> What points do you think are not myths and may be true for some cases?


The two that stuck out with me are #6 and #8. While I would say that they are not the absolute truth, by any means, I also think that there has to be a reason that they are on the list. It had to have been the case a few times. What do you think?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RedRose14 said:


> Thanks for that post CM, it makes really interesting reading. Like you, since I've been reading on TAM I've started to wonder about sexless marriages ... what triggers them and how things manage to deteriorate to that level, and it is good to be aware of the mistakes that need to be avoided in order to keep one's own marriage sailing along contentedly.
> 
> I had never given these matters any thought before, but since reading here I've become aware that I am the LD person in my marriage. I'm still a sexy girl, and I enjoy sex immensely. But I do have a lower drive than my Hubby. Fortunately for us my Hubby is more than happy with our sex life and never complains ... we operate on my level of desire and have sex at my frequency rather than his. Which means that I am really selfish I know, and since becoming aware of this fact I have spoken to Hubby about it and suggested we make love more often. Hubby said there's no need for us to change anything, he doesn't want to make an issue out of something that isn't an issue, he only wants for me to be happy and he feels like the luckiest Hubby on the planet to have the quality of sex that we have at the frequency that we have it.
> 
> ...


Your post is interesting.
But what I've realised from reading the list as well as other material , is that the term LD and HD is very subjective and that every couple in a long term relationship actually have that differential between them.
One partner is always either LD or HD.

I guess that's one of my reasons for starting this thread.
How does one define LD and HD is a " normal " sexual relationship?
I know that some people say sex three times / week is the average, but suppose two married people function well with just once per week , or like my wife and I, " quantum fluctuations " of sex everyday and entire weeks without sex?
Even when we don't have it for the entire week I'm not necessarily a " horny goat " , because I know we would have it soon lol.
Does that mean I'm LD at this point?
Should I make some adjustments for my wife who wants it all the time , or should we just continue with the flow because it has never been problematic?
Personally I think our frequency fluctuates based on external stressors. 
We own and manage a business together.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> The two that stuck out with me are #6 and #8. While I would say that they are not the absolute truth, by any means, I also think that there has to be a reason that they are on the list. It had to have been the case a few times. What do you think?


I think # 6 is factual, and i think the explanation is plausable.
Here's an excerpt;

" _Most couples have to rekindle sex, because sexual boredom is virtually certain due to the way sex operates in long-term relationships. *Once couples rule out everything that makes them nervous, they do whatever is left over. Years of "leftovers" makes sex boring.* However, sexual novelty is only introduced by one partner suggesting something new that the other isn't completely comfortable doing_."

So basically what the authors of this list are saying is that most couples are having " _left over sex_ " because they are not pushing against any particular sexual boundaries.
Also, one or both partners may have had prior sexual experiences that they unconsciously use as a yardstick to judge their present sex lives.
[Yes I know it sounds sketchy, but we're all humans.]
Sex then become boring for one partner or both of them. If that is factored into a marriage with other issues, it can be easy to see how the sexless progression begins to take place.
Then add resentment on the party that thinks they are the victim and it gets worse.
Then things come to a position where it's almost impossible to figure out "_ how did we arrived here._."


Maybe you can give me your reason for singling out # 6 as being factual in some cases, just like you , I just guessing here.



#8 is a bit more complex, and its something I'm presently trying to figure out.
How does chemistry and attraction really work in long term relationships, and how to keep it working


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There was a time I went looking for sexless marriage forums...Pure curiosity...how anyone could stand living like this.... boy were those DEPRESSING...I wanted to scream at all the posters telling them to leave their spouses... some found themselves in heart wrenching situations where a spouse could no longer have sex.... Husband got prostate cancer, wife hated herself for wanting sex, man felt emasculated, pushing her away ever since..she was dying inside ..but how could she leave him after all those yrs, it's so shallow !! --over sex .... but it's intimacy, it's life giving. She was drowning..emotionally / physically..... I'll never forget reading her story... 

Frankly, I think I'd be selfish and leave him.. not nice to say....but if one partner wants to keep up a wall and not work to satisfy the other, it's a dead situation. We can only wallow in our pain so long...somethings gotta give. There are other ways to satisfy. 



> 9)*Sexual desire problems mean you're falling out of love or something else is going wrong in your marriage*.
> 
> Normal couples have sexual desire problems because the processes of self-development permeate love relationships. *This shows up as arguments about autonomy, power, status, and feeling controlled.* When you and your partner are struggling over whether you (your body) first belong(s) to yourself (and you can share if you want to) or your partner has a right to your body because you agreed to monogamy, it's not uncommon to stop having sex for months or a year or more.


 Can't say we've ever had arguments over power, status, feeling controlled, just my Testy temperament when I wanted his sperm to take hold , and threw myself into the kids (back in the day), not understanding a man's needs -and his passivity wasn't helping matters. 

Me & he has had a # of in depth conversations on how we feel in regards to the other, how we give, how we view our bodies...all of it....we've both come to learn we feel the same... this is US....(we don't see this as controlling, disrespectful ...but giving, and loving.)


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think # 6 is factual, and i think the explanation is plausable.
> Here's an excerpt;
> 
> 
> ...


I am going to try to keep this succinct so pardon me if I leave somethings out. Sexual desire does not wane solely because of repetition/redundancy. It also decreases due to resentment, children, changes in appearance, behavioral changes. I know that you know this already. Those changes mentioned before are not viewed in a vacuum. Meaning that we catalog them in our mind and they are part of the collective thread of our lives. We do not simply forget the reasons that made us lose desire. That is my unscientific reason. 

I do think that it is possible to rekindle the flames but find that there are plenty of situations where the puzzle has changed too much to make that possible.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

-Tolstoy


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> *I do think that it is possible to rekindle the flames but find that there are plenty of situations where the puzzle has changed too much to make that possible.*


:iagree:

Yes.

I think we are on the same wavelength.
I think that by the time the affected party realizes that the marriage has become sexless, he / she looks around and realizes that they are completely lost, unable to trace exactly where they went off track and why.

Being lost is never a nice feeling.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Interesting article... interesting replies...
> 
> Closest we've ever been to 'sexless' was just before/just after babies being born. I found it took about a year for my sex drive to come back to normal after each of my three sons which was also about the same time as I stopped breast feeding. Prolactin is the well documented cause of that...so hormonal in our case.
> 
> Does make me worry a bit about my approaching menopause. My sex drive has been high most of my life and through the roof since my late 30's.... but who knows...all that could change :scratchhead:


Sometimes I wonder about menopause too.
I know that hormones can do some odd stuff to her body's natural rhythms. 
So I wonder what's just around the corner, and what can I expect.
Presently her drive is higher than mine.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

I want to give the younger group hope 

Speaking from my own experience here, age 55, menopause four years ago, nothing physically or mentally changed for me. Absolutely nothing felt different. Just another day/month/year as before. 

I don't know if I am average and the horror stories about menopause are the smaller percentage of population. Of course, there is no reason to talk about it when everything is the same, so you don't hear stories like mine.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Oldrandwisr said:


> I want to give the younger group hope
> 
> Speaking from my own experience here, age 55, menopause four years ago, nothing physically or mentally changed for me. Absolutely nothing felt different. Just another day/month/year as before.
> 
> I don't know if I am average and the horror stories about menopause are the smaller percentage of population. Of course, there is no reason to talk about it when everything is the same, so you don't hear stories like mine.


I'm also in your age bracket, and things did change for me around menopause - but in a positive way! 

Once I got the hot flushes / night sweats and aching joints under control with HRT, I never looked back. As for my interest in sex - it was stronger than ever  An added bonus has been no more PMT mood swings!


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