# friday is her birthday...any advice?



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

it's been 2 weeks since she walked out over a EA that she refused to end. I am now in full 180 mode as painfull as it is, she is very stubborn..

if i dont wish her a happy birthday, i will be portrayed as the horses a*** to everyone and a uncarring low life...

i am thinking of just emailing her and saying the following:


"so sorry we could not be together on this special day, but this was not my choice..hope you have a good one."

i refused to send any gifts. those days are over.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Any kids?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Why is this even a question?

She walked out on you and you're thinking about congratulating her birthday? Give me a break.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Don't say or do shiet.

Sending that email will be a big mistake.

She left you for someone else.. there is nothing special about that day to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If there are kids, it's a more reasonable question.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Not a single word or action. You do it, you will regret it.

She deserves nothing.

I recently completely ignored my walkaway wife's birthday and it felt liberating.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Kids? Screw that.

The kids can get her a gift, if they are too young then ya, he would help them get a SMALL gift.

No gifting through the kids.

My ex didn't say jack to me and she was the one who left. Didn't even let the kids know, they found out through me and my daughter "took me to subway" for a birthday lunch.

On fathers day she helped the kids get me a gift. I was surprised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My stbxw didn't acknowledge my birthday at all even though she went bat sh!t crazy on me when I didn't do enough for her on Mothers Day even though she was the one who wanted the divorce. I wouldn't do jack sh!t for her.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If there are kids, he'll set a nice example for them to not gift a cheater.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

To kids, Birthdays are huge. You swallow your pride for a day and do something nice for "Mom."

My opinion.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

keko said:


> If there are kids, he'll set a nice example for them to not gift a cheater.


That's assuming you've told them Mom is a Cheater. Not always appropriate to drag kids into adult situations.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

no kids.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

keko said:


> If there are kids, he'll set a nice example for them to not gift a cheater.


You clearly do not have kids and therefore should not be advising such things.

The divorce is between the adults, not the children.

They will make up there own minds when they are old enough and doing petty things like that will only cause more problems for him in the future with his kids.

If he has any.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> no kids.


Then you don't do anything. 

If you have to, make that the busiest day of your life.

Instead of writing to her, write on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

UpnDown said:


> Then you don't do anything.
> 
> If you have to, make that the busiest day of your life.
> 
> ...


Yep!


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

UpnDown said:


> You clearly do not have kids and therefore should not be advising such things.
> 
> The divorce is between the adults, not the children.
> 
> ...


You know having a somewhat similar experience in my childhood I will advise such thing. 

and there is no making up their minds about a cheater. A cheater is a cheater however you look at it.


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

what happened to taking the high ground and being the mature one? I do want her back one day..


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Your parents brought you into there problems at a young age?

That's unfortunate. Honestly.

But, it should not be that way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> what happened to taking the high ground and being the mature one? I do want her back one day..


You have lots to learn.

SHE LEFT YOU.

You owe her nothing.

I assume that means you are still paying her bills?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> what happened to taking the high ground and being the mature one? I do want her back one day..


Mature means letting her understand the consequences of her actions.

If someone $hits on you - as a Natural consequence - they no longer get cake or presents...


----------



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Vegas - my husband left me needing to figure himself out and I did send a bday gift back in May. I don't know your circumstances, but in my situation it was the right thing to do. Why you might ask? It felt right in my heart and I don't regret it.

Lonely in LV? Me too - he left me back in Seattle and I came here. I heard we have the highest amount of divorced folks in the country.

Either way, do what you can and want to live with - so long as it comes from the heart and there are no expectations.


----------



## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Your situation was different though Emma. He left because he was messed up and needed to sort himself out ..

There is a confirmed EA that they were left for, that doesn't deserve anything.


----------



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

I just went through this on Tuesday. My walk away wife turned 40 and I did not contact her at all. She also came by to collect our son on Wednesday and I said nothing. We are over - I don't expect her to celebrate my birthday and she should not expect anything from me. Besides she has already got someone new who can buy her presents now.

I did assist my son in getting a present for her but nowhere near the amount I would normally spend on her. I have him a $25 allowance and let him pick the present. She is still his mother and I need to be mature about their relationship

What I did do on the day was spend money on myself...went out and grabbed a coffee then went to the a tattoo studio to book myself in for a new tatt.


----------



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Your situation was different though Emma. He left because he was messed up and needed to sort himself out ..
> 
> There is a confirmed EA that they were left for, that doesn't deserve anything.


Whoops! I should probably read the thread sometimes - eeek too much number crunching today and my brain in mush. Agreed sir, agreed.


----------



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

If you're implementing the 180 do nothing.
She's cheating on you mate, she doesn't deserve anything.
Might just be a step in the right direction. And if she does go ballistic on you, well it means she gives a ****, and that's a good thing isn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

I appreciate the range of opinions. I think the 180 is causing her great pain and guilt right now (which is healthy for her actions..) So this one email me give her hope that not all is lost. At some she will hopefully regret all her actions of the last month and come to her senses. I understand that my actions over the years to put her on a pedestal also had something to do with the EA and no one is exactly innocent here


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Do you know what she's been up to since she left you? Could she have moved this EA to a PA now that she has her "space" that I'm sure she needed?

Do not be her "Plan B"!


----------



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Emma, it seems like we are in the same boat..if you ever want to chat, PM me, I also work in tech in Vegas. It's double painfull when the one person you have ever confided with is gone and there is no one who really understands the pain.


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

When my husband and I had difficult times years back and was with the OW, I did not wish him happy birthday.... but my birthday came around and he wished me one.

Don't say anything to her. She doesn't deserve your acknowledgement.


----------



## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

"Deserve's got nothing to do with it."

She's gone; what she thinks of you at this point is irrelevant. What you think of yourself, however, is everything. Follow whatever course that you suspect leads to greater self respect, be it a thoughtful gift or a cold shoulder. Do what is right for you without considering her response.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> .So this one email me give her hope that not all is lost.


That email will just confirm in her mind that you're still willing to be her spare tire, ready to be pulled out of the trunk after the OM dumps her cheater azz.


----------



## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> I appreciate the range of opinions. I think the 180 is causing her great pain and guilt right now (which is healthy for her actions..) So this one email me give her hope that not all is lost. At some she will hopefully regret all her actions of the last month and come to her senses. I understand that my actions over the years to put her on a pedestal also had something to do with the EA and no one is exactly innocent here



You want her back? Then show her your man enough to live life without her. Here's my opinion on the do's and don'ts.

DO:
>> Stop all contact with her. This doesn't mean that your a jerk to her if you do have to to talk to her either.
>> Live your life. Easier said then done, but you have to get the ball rolling to move forward.
>> Learn how to be a stronger person for yourself.

DONT:
>>Fight with her if you do contact her. 
>>Try to win her back. YOU CAN'T. Right now all you would be doing is competing against the posOM.
>>Try to fix her or rationalize with her why she's screwing up.

It's not easy, but you have to keep yourself busy and healthy and find a way to be happy without her. It actually is the best thing to do to win her back. She will see it and less contact means less damage to the relationship right now. 

Right now emails and other contact just tells her that your still her backup plan. YOU have to remove that thought and let her start thinking about what she would lose.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Seriously dude, I was where you are at now over mothers day. I made sure the kids remembered because she is their mother, and I spent days making a very special gift for her, that I knew she would appreciate, and made sure she got it on Mothers Day morning. In short, by any woman and mothers standard, I hit it out of the park.

My fatal flaw according to her? I didn't say the actual words Happy Mothers Day to her in a text or email or phone call. She unleashed one of the most brutal tirades against me since this whole thing began. 

The lesson I learned? I'm not doing sh1t for her ever again, and maybe I really don't want to be married to her anymore. You see, when I gave her that gift, I was in full blown save my marriage mode, sort of like you.

Do what you feel you need to do for sure. There is no right or wrong thing to do. I don't regret giving her the gift because I learned a lot from the whole situation, and this may well be a lesson you need to learn for yourself. Your wife may not react as harshly as mine did, but be careful and protect yourself and not read too much into any positive reaction because she is still having an affair on you after all.


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

hey lonely, read my thread, it's an eye opener, i'm also from vegas but live in cali now, i do come back about once a year to visit. i'm sorry that your living this hell with the rest of us but know that we are here to support & have your back, i myself am having a horrible day after many good strong days


----------

