# Wife claims physical abuse



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

I'm hoping someone can help me with this.

I had an affair which came to light a few months ago. Needless to say it has been a roller coaster of emotions between my wife and I. I have admitted my wrongdoing and we're trying to put the marriage back together. We have been seeing a marriage counselor.

About a month ago my wife and I were sitting at the kitchen table in a heated discussion. As the discussion progressed, she continued drinking and, in my opinion, had become intoxicated. At some point I got up, I think to walk out of the room and end the discussion, and my wife threw her drink in my face.

I did not retaliate and just started wiping myself off and she then threw a plate of food at me, followed by glassware, cooking utensils and anything else she could grab.

I asked her to stop and tried to start cleaning up in case one of our kids came home and saw what was happening but she would not stop. Ultimately she suffered a cut of her foot due to the amount of broken glass on the floor and started to bleed.

I took hold of her to stop her from throwing anything else and tried to bring her to the bedroom so she could calm down and I could clean. She continued to resist so I ended up physically dragging her into the bedroom.

At which point she started throwing whatever she could find in the bedroom at me and when I returned to the kitchen she continued yelling and throwing. Finally, I got her back into the bedroom, tied her hands behind her back, put her on the bed and returned to the kitchen to clean up. She was either to exhausted, drunk or physically restrained to a point to continue after that.

I was able to get the place clean in about an hour before the kids came home and with the exception of some deep gouges in the cabinets where the dishes and glasses hit, it looked like nothing happened.

Through all of this, my wife suffered the cut on her foot, but she also got some bruises where I had to grab her and where she got dragged on the floor back to the bedroom.

In retrospect I know my choices should have been to either call the police or just walk out to diffuse the situation. However I didn't want my kids to come home and see what my wife had done and what state she was in so I, wrongly, decided to remove her, restrain her and clean up.

My wife, on the other hand, says I abused her and, while hesitant to discuss it with the marriage counselor in fear that I may be arrested, is resistant to move forward with any counseling until I admit that I am an abuser.

For the record, we have been married 30+ years and I have never struck her or done anything like what I have described here before.

Again, I know that trying to restrain her and clean up rather than walking out was a poor choice, but an abuser? I ask all of you what you think.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Did she admit to being drunk?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She was being a drunken, raging fool, but you crossed the line by tying her hands up.

You should have just left the room.

Yes, she was a drunken raging fool, I get that. 

If you were worried bout the kids, should have just taken them with you.

You tying her up is bad, not discounting seeing a destroyed kitchen, mind you.

She lost her self control, the answer was not a cord to tie her up with.

Does this rise to the level of being labeled an abuser? I don't think so, but it was a fight that got out of control.

You didn't need to forceably move her anywhere.

You should have left, and called the cops.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Thanks michzz.

I think I agree with much of what you said. The kids were not home so I couldn't have left with them, but I didn't want them coming home to this either.

Calling the cops? Do I really want my kids to come home and find their mother in cuffs? No, but was that the only option?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Another thought, could she have been goading you into violence so she could use that against you?


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

She was out of line, for sure, but you violated her human rights by tying her up. That is abuse in my book.

And to restrain her, particularly if she was as drunk and rowdy as you claim, you must have had to use a hell of a lot of physical force.

Now you can write about it in neat sentences and rationalise, but as it was happening, the adrenaline was flowing and you may not have been aware of the strength you were using. I don't know on which planet being DRAGGED AGAINST YOUR WILL AND TIED UP wouldn't constitute as physical abuse. Stop rationalising this.

You are both in the wrong and this is not a healthy environment for children.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Your wife was out of control, way out. The dragging and tying up was you being way out of control in response to her. Both are wrong but you did have the upper hand in strength. You should have called the cops. What will happen to your kids if your wife decides to press charges? It will all come out anyway. If you had called the police and walked out, it would have been all on her.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Why did you have an affair?


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

This blame game you're playing is childish and redundant. You made some bad choices here, and I wonder what else you haven't told us. We're only hearing from your perspective but it still looks bad: your wife got drunk and threw things at you, granted, but you cheated on her, dragged her and tied her up, and we can only assume you are the bigger and stronger of the two of you... Did she always drink or was that part of the fallout of your cheating? As I said, maybe you need to be apart (at least for a while) as this is not a healthy relationship. The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster and, make no mistake, you certainly brought some key ingredients to the pot. Instead of getting bogged down in the semantics of 'abuser' maybe you need to accept that, as a result of your actions, this is how your wife sees you. You can either work on fixing that perception and resume counselling or keep denying it altogether.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

So physically tying someone up could be seen as false imprisionment, you do not have the authority to restrain someone, or tie them up and put them into a room tied up. 

I would strongly suggest leaving a situation that is that out of control or the other option is calling the cops after leaving the house if you are in fear of your childrens saftey, using physical force is almost always going to bode poorly for you unless your life is at risk and even in that case I would say run like hell and call the cops.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

Sounds like she has been holding onto a lot of hurt from the affair you had and to me it sounds like you should leave for a while.Or try and not be home till you know the kids will be home ,like wait outside for them,make limited appearances until you can both get this dealt with.It is sounding like you both need help.Also tying up your wife was wrong and you should have left the house and waited out side for your kids.Take Care.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I get what your wife did. I do. I also agree with the posters that advise that you should have left. But you didn't, and now here you are. You don't know how quickly something like this can escalate. If I were you, I would count myself very lucky that something worse didn't happen. Other men are serving prison sentences because a siutation got out of control. 
That you've never done anything like this before doesn't matter now. Now you HAVE. You need individual counseling as well as MC. She's very angry, hurt, etc. It's going to be a long road back, and you really need to tell your counselor what happened.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The entire point of the scene was to get you in trouble and get leverage over you.

Unfortunately by tieing her up, you did cross a serious line.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Just to address a few comments:

First, my "kids" are late teens, early 20's. I did not fear for their safety, just the embarrassment (mine and my wife's ) of them seeing what was going on.


moonangle - It really doesn't matter why I had an affair. It was wrong and I should not have.

Shelda - You are correct that she is harboring a lot of resentment regarding the affair. I don't blame her one bit. I believe that was the root cause of this incident.

Atholk - I don't think she was thinking rationally enough to plan that I would get in trouble and have leverage over me. She was drunk. We have had other arguments (arguments which are really just her yelling at me and me sitting there taking it) when she was not drinking and they never escalated to the level it did that night.

loren - I respect your strong opinion, however I have laid out this story exactly as it happened. I've admitted my affair, acknowledged it was wrong, even admit that my actions that night were wrong. there's no back story, no hidden details, nothing left out that I think would add to the understanding of what went on that night. Feel free to ask questions if you think I'm missing something.

Thanks all for your opinions.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

While I don't think this was "abuse" on your part, it was an extreme reaction, would I have had the same one - probably not.

But, you did have every right, under the law, to defend yourself from her throwing items and trying to harm you. I find it interesting that she fails to see how her behavior started the altercation and she takes no responsibility for what "she" did, is just focused on what you did to difuse the situation.

And, if, and I say, if, there's a repeat incident, let the chips fall where they may - she's a big girl and if she wants to behave like a child then she needs to suffer the consequences - embarrassment in front of her kids, etc. All you did was "cover for her" which means she has no accountability and won't hesitate to do it again - why not, nothing happens to her.

And, she can accuse all she wants, but no charges will stick without a witness or witnessed by the police themselves. Doesn't matter if she has a cut on her foot or bruises, there is evidence of her volatile behavior in the kitchen, as you noted - this is how she injured her foot in the first place. Do you still have the broken glassware and dishes in the trash? If so, get them out and keep them somewhere you can access them - you just might need it. 

Even though you've been married 30 years, is this the type of woman you want to stay with? She's calling you an abuser, accepting no resonsibility for her actions - hell, she's not even acknowledging them by what you said and she's threatening you - doesn't sound like love to me.

JMO, of course I'm good at giving out advice, but suck at applying it myself, but...next time, I would just walk out the door or call the police, perhaps this is the only way to wake her up that this type of volatile behavior won't be tolerated and IS against the law.

Good luck to you.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> loren - I respect your strong opinion, however I have laid out this story exactly as it happened. I've admitted my affair, acknowledged it was wrong, even admit that my actions that night were wrong. there's no back story, no hidden details, nothing left out that I think would add to the understanding of what went on that night.


Fair enough, if you have nothing to add my opinion still stands. Time apart might be best in order to get some clarity on things. Then if you want to be continually at loggerheads over the word ‘abuser’, be my guest. Chances are, with her resentment level at it is, she won’t back down about this term, nor will she easily forget you restraining her. It might be better to bite the bullet on this one, as some people would deem it as abuse. Perhaps then you could focus on what both of you did and the ways in which you both lost control, rather than remaining defensive and not progressing.


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