# finally talked to my walk away wife today after six weeks..



## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

So after nearly six weeks of minimal contact (only a few emails about finances), she called me today finally to talk about bills (that need to be paid by me of course as she has no job..)

While I have been dilligent on my 180 (not that she even tried to initiate contact..) this is how it went..

From her:

*ongoing finanancial issues have just drained her the last few years and we never seem to make any progress. (all true).*

I suggested we completly seperate our finances 100% and each person can do what they wish with money earned, and we only pay joint finances each month. We both agree that is the only viable option going forward to solve this problem. She has agreed to get a full time job..


*there is little or no intamacy for the last few years as I have been overly occupied in trying to save our business that we worked together on for years.*

this is also true, but I said neither of us made any effort to try and make this better, so we need to share equal blame..

*Basically she says she feels she's tried of bringing these to my attention over the years and nothing has changed and she is done trying..*

this is not 100% true, and since she has made no effort to get a job and help contribute to the finances, one can not complain when one spouse is carrying 100% of the financial burden...but let me also say it is 100% my fault for letting this go on for years and not forcing her to get a job because I can't stand conflict..and I never forced her to get a full time job.

So we finally used the words "divorce" in our conversation for the first time. I told her that since she walked away without giving me any chance to resolve these issues, she is not even trying before going directly to divorce..she says she has tried for years and is fed up and tired. (maybe I as a very poor listener...) 

Now we did not talk about the elephant in the room today. She was happy as can be up until 2 months ago when she met a new guy at the gym that she was spending way too much time with texting, emailing, etc. basically a hot and heavy emotional affair.

When I asked her to stop all contact, she handed me a long list of the above and many more and said she wanted to seperate two days later. So maybe the new guy was what broke the camels back in this case..or is the primary reason..not sure. 

She still says she wants to come back to Nevada, but find a local apartmend and live alone and will not stop "working out" with this other man...

So what should I do? i think she wants to have her cake and eat it to. I will not allow myself to be used as a doormat or Plan B. Already made that clear to her..but she is not listening to anything i say due to her infatuation with this other man. she says she has not had a PA (yet) and I believe her 100%. but no doubt thats where it will go if she comes back to town.

I told her that two people that (still) love each other owe it to themselved to try and reconcile, and if it does not still work, then we can say we did all we could, and then get divorced and go about our seperate ways. I have no problem moving on at this point if she does not love me, or love me enough to even try.

I wont say I am without blame here for all the things she brought up, but she did walk away, I did not.

How much blame is mine for the above? How much effort should I put into salvaging this marriage of 12 years? Just tell it to me straight if I was the one responsible.

She was crying and in pain and stopped eating, so cleary the decision to divorce is still weighing heavily on her to this day..but she does not seem to have the guts to come out and ask for a divorce..but she does want a seperation agreement. 

I kept my cool and tried to make rational arguments as to why we owe it to ourselves to at least try to reconcile...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for divorce and have her served. She is not going to budge.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

WOW.. seems like you have you head on straight ... good for you..


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Filing for divorce is not getting divorced. There is a waiting period before the documents get signed and the divorce is final.

Maybe this will snap her out of her affair. Maybe NOT.

Either way -- I think you win.

You are her Plan B --- she has OM and do I beleieve she hasn't had sex with the trainer --- NOPE !!

Just my opinion.


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Filing for divorce is basically a ultimatum in my mind and may force her hand. She is clearly having second thoughts and the one on the fence.

I don't want to be the bad guy here and file..if she is truly done and does not wish to reconcile, then she needs to tell me that 100% and she can file...or i can file then.

I think when she gets a draft of the seperation agreement this week and realizes that she will walk away with little or nothing (we had a prenup) then she may reconsider. Not that I want that to be the only reason for her to come back by all means...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sometimes you have to be willing to end the marriage to save it. You have to show your WW that you are ready to toss the relationship and move on. That is what it means to show strength. You said yourself you have avoided conflict...here you are doing it again.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

How the heck did you get her to agree to a prenup?


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

That was 12 years ago when I had all the money and she had none..but that issue aside, I had to ask myself are any of my decisions motivated by money right now. And the answer is no, if there is love and commitment, then there can be a marriage and we can share in the fruits of our work together.


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

bandit, easy for you to say, you dont have to pay the price if I am wrong and misjudge the situation...but I do very much appreciate your perspective.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> bandit, easy for you to say, you dont the price if I am wrong and misjudge the situation...but I do very much appreciate your perspective.


Read my threads. I know the score. And I'm telling you...your self worth, self esteem and peace of mind are worth more than a broken marriage, which she is 50% responsible for by the way. 

I don't ever give advice lightly, especially when it comes to filing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

bandit, I argree, she needs to pull her 50% in terms of financial and intamacy contributions. If there is no commitment to those two things, that is a dealbreaker for me. I dont want to be married to her then.


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## 2much2soon (Jul 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Read my threads. I know the score. And I'm telling you...your self worth, self esteem and peace of mind are worth more than a broken marriage, which she is 50% responsible for by the way.
> 
> I don't ever give advice lightly, especially when it comes to filing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit, you are a hoot.:rofl:Go comment on my thread.:scratchhead:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lonely,

Bandit is right. File for D.

Your wife abandoned you and the marriage before she ever left the house on her "extended" trip away from you.

And yes, she wants to date the OM when she returns hence her own place.

Serve her now.

She needs to know you are not her backup plan.

Do not tell her but do this now! Have her served at her mothers home. Your wife has this all planned out and you do not see it. Hell she boarded the damn pets because she has no plans to come back to you!!!!!!

And when she contacts you after she has received the D papers do not contact her back right away. 

Just send her a statement like this " I loved you for 12 years. I worked hard for us and for our marriage. Neither of us are perfect. But I would never have walked out on you or our marriage. Never. I have remained faithful and loving of you.

But I refuse to be your Plan B (or backup plan)!

Have a nice life,

Lonely"

That s what you do. Then go silent. You will have your answer.

My two cents she has walked away for good. She is going for what she thinks is the greener grass.

Your wife needs to fail and be humbled......

What the heck are you waiting for????


HM64


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

happyman, i like your plan. I see the wisdom.. but I think I need her to sign a formal seperation agreement before filing for divorce otherwise I will be screwed when lawyers get involved...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> happyman, i like your plan. I see the wisdom.. but I think I need her to sign a formal seperation agreement before filing for divorce otherwise I will be screwed when lawyers get involved...


Your lawyes should be involved WITH the formal separation agreement. Don't do it on your own.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She's too deep in her fantasy. Don't expect any logical actions from her until she hits rock bottom and realizes her mistakes.


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Bandit, I do plan to have my lawyer review the seperation agreement before it goes to her. "transmuation" is a new legal term I learned painfully today..


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Keko, she has been acting without logic for two months now, clearly she fell head over heels for this guy..I have never seen her in 12 years make so many por decisions so incredibly fast. I am stunned and was blindsided. Sure our marriage was not perfect, but I was never unfaithfull..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So in her perfect world, she returns to town, you pay for her to have her own place, and she gets to centinue seeking a relationship with the OM.

I can't see that working out to well for you. Not at all,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

Shaggy, I agree. That is a dealbreaker. Either she makes a honest and sincere attempt to reconcile, or I will file for divorce asap.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's not going to.

Sorry brother, but you cannot compete against the other man. He is her fantasy... you are her humdrum, real life ball and chain...

File.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

What is transmuation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

A property settlement involves the property that the couple obtained either before marriage or during marriage. The agreement also may include such issues as maintenance (otherwise known as Alimony) payments to one spouse or even custody of the children.

Two types of property that must be distributed in the settlement are community or marital property and separate property. Community or marital property consists of property that is purchased by either or both of the spouses during the time they are married. Property bought during the time the couple is married is presumed to be marital property regardless of how it was actually purchased. The assumption can be overridden only by "clear and convincing" evidence of the intent for the property to be the property of just one spouse. Separate property is property that is bought by either of the spouses before the marriage. Separate property can also be property received in exchange for other separate property, the interest on separate property, or anything that does not fall into the category of marital property.

When determining how the property will be divided, several problems may arise, including the problems of commingling and transmutation. Commingling occurs when separate and marital property are combined, or dealt with together, in a bank or financial account. When this happens, there is no distinction between separate and marital property. To prevent a finding that the commingled property is therefore marital property, the spouses need to keep separate accounts and records for each item of property. Transmutation involves separate property that the spouses have treated as marital property, making it impossible to tell what type of property the spouses had intended it to be. For example, transmutation occurs when the parties took title to property jointly but in reality only one of the spouses paid for the property. The best way to prevent commingling or transmutation from becoming an issue or hurdle in getting the settlement approved is to keep clear and accurate records.


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

update- going on six weeks now, and not a word (other than bill paying requests as we work to seperate our joint finances..)

I ran into a mutual friend last night and before I could say a word, she started with "I am so sorry to hear..."

That pissed me off royally. We had agreed to not mention our marital problems to anyone until there was a resolution and here she is yacking it up behind my back.

We had agreed to refrain from this so that people don't get "one side" of the story..clearly I was a fool once again as she is not honoring that agreement..

Should I call that person back and give her the real version of events?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Not just her but every family/friend. Tell them the facts, she found a young lover and left home.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

What's the update??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

gone, gone, gone, and she never looked back..

legal separation done. it is time to move on..


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> gone, gone, gone, and she never looked back..
> 
> legal separation done. it is time to move on..


Yes another walk away wife. I'm going to start changing it to vanishing wife becaus that's what they do 

Sorry to hear that I know your pain too well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> gone, gone, gone, and she never looked back..
> 
> legal separation done. it is time to move on..


Good riddance to rubbish.

You should not look back either. 

Remember the good times, forget the bad times and look forward to the future......


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

This seems to be a common thing I guess. I recently found out about the walk away wife classification. It's the new style 
Guess now a days people do not believe in marriage like they used to. First signs of trouble and they are gone. Secret exits and the person that still believes in marriage is left holding the bag and trying to work out the relationship by himself. Lesson learned focus progress and move on.
Happy is correct
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvintokyo (May 10, 2010)

Hey Ferndog, did you say first sign of trouble?? the truth is there are usually many signs before the final exhaustion. love is a living thing, its possible to snuff the life out of it. Some men forget to treat their wives like the marriage is important till its late and dead. Sometimes they fail to realize what is at stake till its too late, same with women.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

luvintokyo said:


> Hey Ferndog, did you say first sign of trouble?? the truth is there are usually many signs before the final exhaustion. love is a living thing, its possible to snuff the life out of it. Some men forget to treat their wives like the marriage is important till its late and dead. Sometimes they fail to realize what is at stake till its too late, same with women.


That is absolutely true. However I'm sure it was lack of communication. Some partners do not know how to express themselves such as worries or what they desire. Its both partners faults but generally the one that has been dormant (I think usually men with lack of attention for their wives) usually suffers along with their partner. Only thing is one is planning an exit and the other gets blind sided. They hurt during the marriage and then long after because they can't piece it together.
One leaves and doesn't look back while the other still believes in marriage and tries to work it out but it's to late (which it shouldn't)

So communication . Is the most important thing in a relationship I think. Yes slightly over love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

I am more upset about the way that it happened, than the actual event. Being betrayed by something you loved and trusted is a awful thing. It's like I was pushed out of the car and left for dead in the desert from the most important person in my life (up until last month..)

Why can't people be more honest and just say they wanted out?

The way it happened just added insult to injury..


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

There's a YouTube video where a female author (not sure what else she is) talks about walk away wives and the sympthoms that lead to their actions. She nails it right on. That when a female talks about changes a man retreats and sees it as nagging . Women then get tired and lose hope. Men view this as "the problem is fixed". Wife plans escape and the guy gets blindsided.
And now he begins to really change because now finally he can see what he has done. 
The author says now why would the woman leave if he is trully changing now?

So she blames (or points out I should say) poor communication. Divorce is an action and actions speak louder than words.
So while the H is focused and becomes the best partner available the W is gone.
And the men become great partners to the next W. sad but I believe it to be true. It will be in my case at least.

Btw the H hurts the W and he is absent as a partner so constant rejection or abandonment I view it as abuse. Yes I was one so I don't blame my ex. It's a 50/50.
Guy pushes them away/ and once she leaves she's like a homer "I'm outta here baby"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

lonleyinlasvegas said:


> I am more upset about the way that it happened, than the actual event. Being betrayed by something you loved and trusted is a awful thing. It's like I was pushed out of the car and left for dead in the desert from the most important person in my life (up until last month..)
> 
> Why can't people be more honest and just say they wanted out?
> 
> The way it happened just added insult to injury..


Try getting fooled so I would move out for two weeks for space. Then I get an email you an email . And ever since silence or rejections. So I learned to let the anger go and just be the best I can be and learn from this. I feel so ashamed of being divorced. It's such an ugly feeling. Only way I'll over come it is by being the best me possible
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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