# New Here... Need Advice before this gets any worse...



## AMV (Mar 28, 2013)

I'm 45 and DH is 41. We have been married about 5 years and this is the second marriage for both of us. I will try and keep this as short as possible... thank you in advance for any insight you can offer. I'm at a loss and so sad.

Essentially when DH and I first got together we could not keep our hands off of one another. We both agreed that sex was very important in a relationship and spoke often of how we would always work to maintain our connection in the event of any red flags. (In the beginning it was very hard to even imagine WE would ever have any sexual issues...)

Fast forward to now... sex has gradually been declining in frequency and quality. Even the day to day things that keep intimacy sparked between a man and woman are dwindling. Less frequent touching and attention from DH... no flirting... no compliments....basically nothing unless we are going to have sex. I've had to work hard to overcome security issues (previous DH was a cheat and used sex as punishment) and this is going to set me back if I don't get a handle on it soon. 

DH does have borderline low T... my guess he's always been borderline but wasn't as much of an issue since our relationship started long distance and we did not see each other often. Although we had regular (pretty much every night phone sex). For the last 4.5 years sex has been frequent... not too many issues really.

DH sometimes (every few months) experiences ED even though he says he wants me... he says all the signals are firing mentally but the body is not responding. The first few times this happened it was horrible for both of us.

Essentially because of the ED - DH is now in charge of when sex happens because he knows if his body is going to respond or not. This has pretty much cut me off from initiating... this was something I never minded and enjoyed and felt it was just as important to be the initiator. I have always been HD and liked to be the initiator.

Sex seems to happen on Friday and Saturday-- sometimes Sunday. DH says he needs time to recover so typically sex has been every other day during the week. Now we are down to just the weekends... and maybe once in the week. I can see where this is headed.

I have been growing more and more confused. Not sure what I can or can't do--- initiating is out. I don't even feel as free to participate when we do have sex because I don't know if I am going to do something wrong. I just have to wait on him to take the lead. Over the course of all of this mess... I am getting less and less interested. Maybe even resentful.... I'm not sure.

I'm tired of having my breast tweaked for 10-15 seconds... then a few seconds of kissing... then oral... maybe PIV if he's already hard. DH always finishes me first so I can't complain about that. We have pretty much had what I would consider a pretty great sex life outside of the few bumps we've encountered.... but it all seems to be going downhill fast.

Last night he tried to initiate and I was NOT feeling it. We last had sex on Sunday. He went to reach for me and I broke down crying. He never asked what was wrong and we both went to sleep.

What is going on? I love my husband so much... I never imagined us having this problem. He has always treated me very well... but things are different and I don't know why. I'm afraid if we don't get to the bottom of this it will eventually destroy our marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's good that you recognize that things are going down hill and looking to address them now, before they get very bad.


From what you have said, there are something that can be done. 


For the ED: Has he checked into hormone replacement therapy? If now why not? There are also over the counter supplements that can help. Look into DHEA. I know people who have used DHEA and have had great results with it. There is also Viagra, and other similar drugs.


Now I have a question for you. How many house a week do you and your husband spend doing things together, just the two of you. I mean things that are date-like that you both enjoy? Once I get this answer I can address some of your other issues.


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## AMV (Mar 28, 2013)

Thanks for your quick reply. DH does take natural type supplements... we try to avoid pharmaceuticals. We have not looked at DHEA but will...

DH and I could probably do more as a couple. We do like to snuggle on the couch and watch movies, we have several other activities that we enjoy doing together... gaming, researching various topics which always leads to lots of discussion. 

Every other weekend we are childless- my son goes to his father's. We usually go out to eat and spend the weekend entirely together.

I am the only one working. DH has been a stay at home dad because we were blending a family and had 4 kids between us. I have been at my job long term and make fairly decent money although we have had to maintain a strict budget to make ends meet. 3 oldest ones are in college or on their own and not at home.

DH could get a job now but hasn't. He has maintained the homefront and I've brought home the check which I don't mind. Everything is taken care of and as I see it - this gives us more time together. If we were both working then we would both spend just as much time at home getting everything done.

I know being able to contribute financially is important to most men so maybe this is some of it. I have encouraged him to look for a job - even something part time if he wanted... he seems to have settled into the routine of being home and understands it's an important job even though there isn't a paycheck associated with it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I think what you are seeing is a typical post honeymoon slowdown. 

My first advice would be to get his T level adjusted, and see if that helps...
In the mean time, I am going to give you a stock answer about what helped my wife and I when we were in much worse shape.....

I was in the same boat as you. The marriage was sexless, fights, disrespect, F-bombs thrown in my face almost daily, negative attitude, just a total marital hell.....I typed up our states divorce laws, left them on her placemat, and walked....I came back in a few hours, BIG FIGHT....We decided we had too much invested in our marriage to divorce, we needed help....
Someone suggested the book "The 5 Love Languages"...I bought it that day. I had NO hope the book would help...I planned to scan thru fast and $hit can it. 
When we got it, she started reading it, but after a couple of chapters had to do chores, so I picked it up and started reading...The premise is simple, The wording isn't psycological crap, and it made sense....I don't think I put the book down till I finished it......Then the wife picked it up, and finished reading it....Here it is in a nutshell.....

A person feels good about the person who fulfills them emotionally...It makes that person EASY TO LOVE...

The whole point of the book is that different people need different things to feel emotionally fulfilled...You speak the language you understand to your mate, and they reply in the language they understand.....If both don't speak the same languages they do not give their mate the emotional support they they crave...They become emotionally bankrupt....

There are 5 languages:
1 Acts of service
2 physical touch
3 Words of affirmation
4 Quality time
5 gifts


If you need "Physical touch" And your mate speaks gifts...
You are craving a hug, and sex, and she buys you a ROLEX......
You become emotionally bankrupt.....

Your wife craves "words of affirmation", and you tile the bathroom....She is going to be pissed....

You are both saying I love and support you, and both of you hear 
nothing but gibberish....

If two people decide they want to love one another, and want their partner to be emotionally fulfilled, The book will show both of them how...
People who learn how to communicate have less conflict...It's as simple as that...

Saturday my wife was in a bad mood...We are doing some work on the kitchen, and she felt she had wasted the morning because she couldn't find a light fixture....She came home and began acting out in a negative manner.....In the past I would have picked up on it, fed off of it, and a blowout would have ensued...DEAD CERTAIN.....

Instead I tried to tease and reason her out of her mood...Everything stayed light, and no fighting...

Sunday I lay down after breakfast to watch TV. The wife joined me and said she had been silly for being in such a bad mood the day before, and was very affectionate....

We had HONEYMOON SEX for 3 hours.....It was absolutely one of those lovemaking sessions that you always remember.....

It was not the first time we have done that since reading the book........

How much would a day like that mean to you.....

If you look up my threads last Oct.-Dec. You will see the absolute hell my life was then....If someone had told me they could make this big a change in my marriage, for $5,000 cash....I would have paid GLADLY.....Not bad for $10 on ebay....

My advise is get the book, do the program with your mate. Practice it for a couple of months, and see if your marriage and feelings about each other aren't improved ....I always loved my wife, now I am IN love with my wife...All you have to loose is 10bucks....

Please feel free to PM me...


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## AMV (Mar 28, 2013)

Thank you so much. I will definitely give your advice a try. Thank you for giving me hope... right now is a very scary time. I always felt DH and I were on the same page.... but we obviously are not speaking the same language right now.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

For what its worth watermelon also helps in this area as it produces Nitric acid in the body. Does your husband exercise or workout ?? Testerone is a natural chemical in the body men tend to to start losing it around your husbands age range I would get him on the proper treatment to get his T-count back up.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You might consider you might be losing attraction for him since he is not providing for the family. He may be suffering ED due to his failures in that respect. Gender roles are fairly hard wired and you have them flipped on their head.


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## AMV (Mar 28, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> You might consider you might be losing attraction for him since he is not providing for the family. He may be suffering ED due to his failures in that respect. Gender roles are fairly hard wired and you have them flipped on their head.


Isn't that the truth! They are definitely flipped. I am still very attracted to my husband.... I don't really care if he provides a paycheck because I see the job he does at home as invaluable. I am very grateful for all he does. I just don't like what is happening to our sex life and am starting to respond now adversely... hence my reaction last night. Just afraid the snowball is rolling and that we aren't going to be able to stop it.


I had no clue about watermelon.... but can check that out too. DH works out- everyday... but he does not lose weight and does not build muscle. He should be built like a brick house for all he does. He refuses to take RX T.... I know the low T is certainly contributing... I just hope it doesn't destroy our marriage if it continues to tank.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

If he is lifting and not building it is nutrition. You can't do it without the right diet. Once the body fat crosses a threshold the metabolism takes it from there but you need lean muscle mass to light the fuse.

And maybe you are OK with the division of labor but he is not. Men are used to harnessing up and taking it on their backs. I don't want my woman taking up the burden.

Your gratitude for what he does sounds genuine and he is fortunate for that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While your husband being a SAHP might not bother you, it might bother him. If he is having a problem getting back into the work force, he might want to try to back to school for a few semesters.

Does he have a degree already? If so he can "refresh it" by taking current classes. then he can use his older credits and the newer ones to get a new degree with a current date on it. Or go for a higher level degree.

My ex did not work for a long time. Unfortunately, he did not take care of the children and the home front and got into some very bad habits (hence the divorce). However I did talk him into going back to school. It's making a huge difference. He only need to do 1.5 years for the new degree. He's making contacts that will help him get back into the workforce.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

There must be something he can do around the house that you cannot? Repairs, for example?

It's a subconscious thing, when he's at home and you make more money. One of those things where you might not even be aware that you feel it, or he feels it. But it comes out in the bedroom.

If you want to test that... get him to do something manly. with tools. And watch him. See if you feel differently about him in the bedroom. 

I know it sounds silly... but few people can pull off the reverse roles in a marriage. It takes a man with very sound confidence. And lots of things to fix around the house.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife went through a looooooooong spell of basically zero libido. Lasted almost 10 years and it wasn't at all fun. If I'm honest, though, I missed the intimacy more than the sex. Your husband hitting the age where these things happen. The sex part is probably easily fixed. A Rx for Viagra would take care of that. The larger issue of loss of day to day tenderness and intimacy can't be fixed with a prescription or with hormone therapy. At some point, sex is going to end up dwindling for you both but if you live to be 120 you'll still need intimacy, tenderness, mutual respect, and kindness to be happy in any relationship. In my own case, my wife's drought seems to be over. It was a tough decade but I'm glad I stuck it out. It wasn't tea with the queen but I intend to take this relationship to the grave, so I have to expect there will be some rough spots along the way. That was one and we got over it. There will be others and we'll get through those, too.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Get him to take natural testosterone boosters and weight train. This will make a big improvement in his sex drive and energy levels.

I personally know this because I went off my natural test booster and my sex drive dropped to almost nothing and my drive to weight train is almost gone too.

When you are in your teens and 20's, you are a walking hormone, but when you are say 40+ years old, it tapers off, unless you do something about it.

This is also your 2nd marriage and after 5 years, he got comfy with his LD. And it is the 2nd marriage so its not the same as the 1st marriage, the effort and everything that went into it.

Try waiting for him in the shower for a surprise quickie......see if he like it or have sex with him while he is asleep and when he wakes up, wow, try that.


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