# My parents want to buy me a car??



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

This is long but please read. Here's a little background info. I am 24, my husband is 34, we will be married for 5 years next month, and we have our first baby on the way. I'm due in June. The start of our relationship was mostly long distance because when we first met, he lived in Georgia and I lived in North Carolina (we met online). My parents were always very overprotective of me, and I had actually never even seriously dated anyone until I started talking to my husband. He was pretty much my first everything. After my parents met him and got to know him, they actually really liked him. It's hard not to, he's an amazing person. The only problem they had was that he lived 400 miles away and they didn't want me to move to Georgia, They wanted him to move to North Carolina instead. It wasn't that simple though. He had a good job at a company that he had been employed with for about 6 years, and he was nervous about making such a big change. 

I understood where he was coming from. I didn't have a job at the time or anything holding me back, so I decided I would be the one to move. When it came down to it, I was 18, I was sick of the long distance thing, and I was sick of my parents trying to control my every move, so I was actually glad to get away from them. I also have 3 brothers who are all still living at home. My two older ones were both in their late 20s at the time and still living at home. They are now in their mid 30s and still live in my parents basement. I honestly don't know why they choose to stay there. They both have college degrees and its not like they couldnt afford their own place. So anyway, My parents had never experienced what it was like to have one of their kids move out. So when I moved out, it was very difficult on my parents and they acted like the world was over, despite the fact that we still came to visit them often. 

My parents had purchased a car for me on my 16th birthday but they hardly ever let me drive it and they never would let me get my drivers license. They tried to act like it was because insurance was too high but I even offered to work at my dads business and pay for my own insurance but they wouldn't even let me do that. So when I moved out at 18, I asked if I could take the car with me which was supposedly a "gift" to me, but they told me no. I believe my mom said the reason was because she didn't want me to move, and she wasn't going to make it easier for me by letting me take my car.... Or should I say "their" car because it never really was mine in the first place. 

I think they thought that if they made it as difficult as possible for me, I wouldn't move. What they didn't get was that I was going to make it happen with or without their help. So I ended up moving to Georgia, and my husband ended up buying me a '98 jeep Cherokee to drive around and put me on his insurance. It was nothing fancy, just something to get me to where I needed to go, which was all I really cared about. 

About a year into our marriage, my husband started saying that he wanted to talk about moving back up to North Carolina. I think he just wanted a change, plus he always liked the area and he knew I would be closer to my parents so I said ok. So he tried getting a job transfer. Long story short, the trucking company he worked for ended up treating him like crap, he didn't get the transfer. So he basically said screw them and found a different trucking company to work for here in North Carolina. 

So as of right now, we are doing really good. We successfully made the move back to North Carolina, my husband has a good paying job at a local trucking company, and I'm working for my dad at his restaurant. When we first moved here, my parents offered to let us stay in their rental house and said they wouldn't charge us any rent. They said it was because they wanted us to save that money and put it toward buying our own place. We were hesitant at first because we don't really like getting help from people, but we ended up agreeing, and now we are in great shape financially. We are saving tons of money every month. But other than the rent thing, my parents don't help us with anything else. We pay all of our bills, expenses, etc...

We have 2 vehicles. We have a '09 voltzwagen Jetta , and we still have the '98 grand Cherokee. which my husband drives to work everyday because it gets way better gas mileage than our other vehicle. And he has to drive almost an hour everyday to get to his workplace, so a car with good gas mileage is important. Well, now that we have a baby on the way, we have been talking about getting another car. The jeep Cherokee is a good vehicle but it is older and doesn't have as many safety features so we want to get something that I will feel more comfortable driving a baby around in. Since we are still trying to save money though, we want something that's not going to break the bank. So, My husband mentioned to me recently that he knows a guy thats selling a car for a very affordable price and I told him that we should go take a look at it.

I mentioned the idea to my mom and told her a little bit about the car just to get her opinion, and her response is "well your dad and I were just talking about buying you a car." She said they wanted me to have something safe for the baby and that they feel bad for not letting me take my car to Georgia with me, so they wanted to make it up to me. 

I told her they didn't have to do that and that I don't hold a grudge against them for not letting me take my car to Georgia. They were just upset and were thinking with their emotions, and it was a long time ago. Plus, everything worked out fine for me in the end anyway. I also told her that they were doing enough just by letting us stay in their rental house rent free and that we won't have any problem being able to buy another car on our own. 

Now I will admit, the idea is tempting. The car they are talking about getting me is much more expensive than the car that we are thinking about getting. However, I just dont like taking things from them. I like being able to say that I worked for something on my own instead of having them always giving me everything. Ever since I moved away from them, I've been trying to prove that I dont NEED their help and that I don't depend on them. So i just don't like accepting gifts from them, especially when they're already doing us a big favor by not charging us rent. There's usually always strings attached when you accept gifts like that, also. What if I do accept it and then a few years down the road, I want to do some upgrades or make some changes to it. Or what if I decide I want to trade it in for something else? Are they going to feel like they have the right to tell me what I should do because they bought it for me? 

This is something I wonder about when it comes to my parents. They say they want to buy me a car to make it up to me for not letting me take my old car when I moved out, but I wonder if there's more to it. Sometimes I feel like part of the reason they are so overly generous is because it's a control thing. I could be wrong and even if I am, and they just want to do this out of pure generosity, I still can't help but to feel like I'd be taking advantage of them a little. 

I discussed it with my husband and he said its something that's completely between my parents and I. So basically I think he will support my decision either way. What would you do if you were me? Accept the gift from your parents or politely decline and buy a car on your own?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Buy your own car. Living rent free is already huge and a VERY generous gift. Let them spoil that first new grandchild when he/she gets here.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Omgosh, you are so adorable. 

OK, is there a reason why you think your parents are going to hold this offer of a car against you? From what you've said I can't really determine if your fear of it being held against you is legitimate or just your own anxiety, perhaps misplaced? 

It kinda sounds to me like your parents are really just trying to help you out. You're obviously resistant to that, and maybe you have legitimate reasons to that. But, if so, you're not articulating them here.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Omgosh, you are so adorable.
> 
> OK, is there a reason why you think your parents are going to hold this offer of a car against you? From what you've said I can't really determine if your fear of it being held against you is legitimate or just your own anxiety, perhaps misplaced?
> 
> It kinda sounds to me like your parents are really just trying to help you out. You're obviously resistant to that, and maybe you have legitimate reasons to that. But, if so, you're not articulating them here.


Well I feel like they have held things like this against me before. The car that they bought me when I was 16 for example. The plan was that they would go out with me and let me get some practice driving it, and that they would then let me take drivers Ed, get my drivers permit and eventually my drivers license.

The drivers permit was as far as it went. I took drivers ed, passed it, got my permit, but then my parents wouldn't hardly ever take me out driving. They would act like I was a horrible driver and that I scared them when they rode with me. I don't think I was that bad. I passed drivers Ed, and I never did have any accidents, and i was still learning. Driving is something that takes practice. I've had my license for almost 5 years now and to this day I've never had an accident or even gotten a ticket. 

When I lived with them, They would always tell me that I wasn't ready to get my license yet and that I needed more practice. Yet, neither one of them wanted to take me out and let me practice. Then they started saying the reason they didn't want to get me my license was because theyd have to put me on their insurance and that insurance was too high. I didn't really buy this as an excuse because it's not like they appear to have any money troubles. They are business owners. Plus, when my oldest brother was 16, they bought him a car and let him get his drivers license, and the cost of insurance wasn't an issue then. He even wrecked that car and they went out and bought him another one like it was nothing. I even offered to work for my dad to pay for my own insurance and my mom told me no, so clearly insurance wasnt really the issue. She wouldnt let me get a job when I was in high school, she said that It was hard enough just for me to get myself up and go to school everyday. 

So then at 17, when I graduated high school, They tried to bribe me and told me if I went to college that I could get my license and that they'd put me on their insurance. So I went to college for two semesters and they still hadn't followed through with their end of the deal so I finally got fed up and told them that I was moving out and that I didn't need their help. Then to top it off, when I move, they tell me i can't take my car with me, as if that was going to stop me from leaving. 

So yea, in my opinion, I think they do use giving things to their kids as a way to control them. But aside from that there's also the issue that when they buy things for me, they're taking away the sense of accomplishment that I would be getting if I had bought it myself. That's something that's very imporwant to me. I've went my whole life having them buy things for me. I like having the satisfaction of knowing that I bought something with my OWN money. And especially since theyre already helping us save so much money by not charging us rent.... I just don't see how it's necessary for them to buy us a car when we are more than capable of doing so on our own. I tried not to offend them when I turned them down, or to act like I don't appreciate the offer, but I just honestly don't think it's necessary for them to help us more than they already are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think you're old enough or experienced enough yet to avoid getting re-entangled in your parents' web. I'd pass on the car.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

1. They buy you a car and then don't let you drive it.
2. They don't let you take the car when you move.
3. Your brothers are in their 30s and still live at home.
4. You work for your father and you live in your father's home

Are you seeing a pattern? I fear your parents tend to control their kids by using material possessions. You and your husband are both adults and anything you need you can buy on your own. A Grand Cherokee is very safe vehicle to be hauling a baby around in (especially in NC). Presumably, it's paid for and it's your's. I'd rather live in a shack and drive a rusty 1958 Packard of my own than have my parents lording things over my head. Frankly, it would piss me off if my wife's parents bought us a car. Their daughter is my wife and I'm more than capable of providing whatever she needs. Same thing goes for any babies. If I make them, I provide for them. As soon as you two are able, I'd be paying them rent or I'd move to different digs. It has been suggested that you let your parents spoil your child. In your case, I'd be cautious. I wouldn't want my child growing up believing that people are bought or that we love our grandparents because they give us stuff. Small gifts are ok but you don't want to be struggling to make ends meet while grandparents are buying your kids ponies, motorcycles, trips to Disney, first car, etc. I'd want my kid to know, love, and respect their grandparents but not to view them as Santa.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi kittykatz, long time no see! Sounds like you both are doing very well!!

This is a tough one. 

There are several ways you can look at this.

One is that you should not take anything more from your parents and make it on your own. That's an admirable approach.

Another way of looking at it is that your parents have worked very hard for what they have... I remember you talking about that. What use is their success if they cannot pass some of it on to their children and grand children? 

The car could be looked at as part of your inheritance. If that's the case, the have them do a gift letter so that it's clear that's what it is.

There is a fine line between parents letting their children to do it all on their own and parents spoiling their children to the point that it stunts their children becoming responsible adults.

Since you and your husband are taking advantage of the free rent by saving money, you are being responsible. If you were just blowing the money, I'd be saying to not accept the car at all. But you two are being responsible. (Keep in mind that your parents can probably write off the house on their taxes very year, so that helps them too).

I agree with your parents that you'd be better off with a newer, more reliable and safer car with your new child.

Either way you go on this is good.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> 1. It has been suggested that you let your parents spoil your child. In your case, I'd be cautious. I wouldn't want my child growing up believing that people are bought or that we love our grandparents because they give us stuff. Small gifts are ok but you don't want to be struggling to make ends meet while grandparents are buying your kids ponies, motorcycles, trips to Disney, first car, etc. I'd want my kid to know, love, and respect their grandparents but not to view them as Santa.


When I suggested letting the grandparents spoil this first grandchild, I was thinking more along the lines of a baby swing, or perhaps some cute clothes, not motorcycles and three-ring circuses.

Some people do show love by giving, whether things or their time or just their love. It's not always a bad thing. My husband and I buy things for our adult sons, that while they could buy them for themselves, they are busy with the first new home and all that requires and so we will buy them things they wouldn't necessarily want to purchase right now (example: we bought our son a BBQ grill). We thought he would enjoy it, but might not have the extra funds for that right now,since he had just purchased the home. We also didn't tell him you can't use the grill unless you have invited us over.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Good lord Kitty, you could have cut that post down to two paragraphs!

No, don't take the car. Yes, you parents are telling and themselves that it is only to see their daughter and grand baby safe, but your parents are over involved in your life and have babied the hell out of you. All such parents show generosity with strings attached.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would ask them to instead set up a 529 college fund for your child, put the money into that and let it accumulate interest so that when your child is 18, she can afford to go to whatever college she wants. That way, you can instead of investing in a 529, put YOUR money toward a new car.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Thanks for the replies everyone. I think I got all the advice I needed.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Who's name would be on the car title? Personally I wouldn't accept it. If I did accept, it would only be if my name was on the title alone so they couldn't control it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your other threads. While this sounds like a generous offer, I wouldn't accept it because of how controlling your parents have been in the past. Maybe they've changed. Maybe not. Why take the risk.


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