# Approach to first MC session tonight?



## D0nnivain

DH & I have 2 main issues: 

1. His ED / our lack of a sex life 

2. His mother's dementia & how that's being handled. (this is much more my problem) 

We want to make our marriage stronger. It works; we're not unhappy & we genuinely like / love each other. Nobody is talking about divorce but there are things that could use improvement. 

I've been in & out of therapy for years & could probably short cut this 1st meeting by explaining my on-going issues & diagnoses & synopsizing the problems stated above plus giving the counselor some insights into DH but I suspect that will be jarring to my introverted, private, reserved husband who has never been in therapy before. I don't want to scare him off but we are also paying for this out of pocket so I don't want it to drag on. Part of this process for me is to help DH to open up. I'm looking for tools but in my head I know I want a crowbar. 

Any suggestions? I'm leaning toward listening more than I talk, unless invited to speak, although I know that will lengthen the process. I'm thinking if I let it go on like that for a month, DH should grow to trust the counselor so then I can jump in an accelerate things. What do you think?


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## GC1234

D0nnivain said:


> DH & I have 2 main issues:
> 
> 1. His ED / our lack of a sex life
> 
> 2. His mother's dementia & how that's being handled. (this is much more my problem)
> 
> We want to make our marriage stronger. It works; we're not unhappy & we genuinely like / love each other. Nobody is talking about divorce but there are things that could use improvement.
> 
> I've been in & out of therapy for years & could probably short cut this 1st meeting by explaining my on-going issues & diagnoses & synopsizing the problems stated above plus giving the counselor some insights into DH but I suspect that will be jarring to my introverted, private, reserved husband who has never been in therapy before. I don't want to scare him off but we are also paying for this out of pocket so I don't want it to drag on. Part of this process for me is to help DH to open up. I'm looking for tools but in my head I know I want a crowbar.
> 
> Any suggestions? I'm leaning toward listening more than I talk, unless invited to speak, although I know that will lengthen the process. I'm thinking if I let it go on like that for a month, DH should grow to trust the counselor so then I can jump in an accelerate things. What do you think?


Just tell the marriage counselor the whole situation in one shot. Tell him/her "hey, this is what's going on, and outline it for them.


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## Evinrude58

You’re trying to use the marriage counselor as a crowbar (leverage) against your husband. It sounds like you want to kind of gang up on him.
Sounds like you and he need to have some serious discussions. A marriage counselor isn’t a referee for your fights with your dude.


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## CountryMike

Have a few drinks first, go in with a good attitude, ask or say anything you want!

You're paying her/him. There could be some entertainment value. 

My apologies in advance for taking lightly, I know it's serious. I though would lean towards humorous approach.


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## D0nnivain

Evinrude58 said:


> You’re trying to use the marriage counselor as a crowbar (leverage) against your husband. It sounds like you want to kind of gang up on him.
> 
> Sounds like you and he need to have some serious discussions. A marriage counselor isn’t a referee for your fights with your dude.


That's the LAST thing I want to do. I want the counselor to help me learn to not be so intense about my expectations, especially around my MIL. But I also want some help giving my husband a safe space to address things he can't find the words to talk about like his ED & his PTSD. He told me he had an appointment with a shrink at the VA to discuss his combat PTSD. I thought he was getting treatment. Nope. He had one 15 minute telehealth session as a formality on his way to an increased disability rating. We don't need the extra $36 per month but I would like my husband to be able to get a good night's sleep.


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## Marc878

I hope you thoroughly researched the counselor. If you get a good one great.


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## D0nnivain

Marc878 said:


> I hope you thoroughly researched the counselor. If you get a good one great.


Of course I researched this counselor!


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## Affaircare

D0nnivain said:


> That's the LAST thing I want to do. I want the counselor to help me learn to not be so intense about my expectations, especially around my MIL. But I also want some help giving my husband a safe space to address things he can't find the words to talk about like his ED & his PTSD. He told me he had an appointment with a shrink at the VA to discuss his combat PTSD. I thought he was getting treatment. Nope. He had one 15 minute telehealth session as a formality on his way to an increased disability rating. We don't need the extra $36 per month but I would like my husband to be able to get a good night's sleep.


@D0nnivain ,

If your hubby is a vet of say Desert Storm or so, I will politely suggest that one other thing your counselor can provide is for you to adjust your expectations regarding his PTSD and sleeping.

My Beloved Hubby served in DS and was not even in front line combat, yet he still doesn't sleep entirely right. He doesn't have nightmares or really bad triggers, but he never, ever sleeps all the way through the night, and he wakes just ahead of dawn every day no matter what. Instead of expecting him to work toward "sleeping all night long" we've chosen to accept that he doesn't and that's okay. He stirs during the night...semi-wakes up...and we've just made some decisions regarding that wakefulness. We DO NOT want to sleep in separate beds. He also can not go to sleep at all until his mind is quieted. So when he goes to bed, I go too and we stay together. If he wakes up, he might cuddle in or snuggly whisper...and if I also wake up a little I'll do it back to him. He settles best if he just cuddles in and feels cozy and safe. Next, in the morning, he wakes when he wakes. Usually it's around 5am, but that's like an average. At 5am, I am not ready to wake up yet, so that is "His Time." He gets up, reads the paper, makes coffee and takes his sweet time. I don't wake up until a little later, and then we exercise together, share coffee, and shower together. So he doesn't have to conform to my expectations of when he should and shouldn't sleep. He just "does him" and I do me. And I don't make him feel like he's somehow broken or wrong if he wakes up every day at 5am. That's just part and parcel of military life.


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## Sfort

D0nnivain said:


> DH & I have 2 main issues:
> 
> 1. His ED / our lack of a sex life
> 
> 2. His mother's dementia & how that's being handled. (this is much more my problem)
> 
> We want to make our marriage stronger. It works; we're not unhappy & we genuinely like / love each other. Nobody is talking about divorce but there are things that could use improvement.
> 
> I've been in & out of therapy for years & could probably short cut this 1st meeting by explaining my on-going issues & diagnoses & synopsizing the problems stated above plus giving the counselor some insights into DH but I suspect that will be jarring to my introverted, private, reserved husband who has never been in therapy before. I don't want to scare him off but we are also paying for this out of pocket so I don't want it to drag on. Part of this process for me is to help DH to open up. I'm looking for tools but in my head I know I want a crowbar.
> 
> Any suggestions? I'm leaning toward listening more than I talk, unless invited to speak, although I know that will lengthen the process. I'm thinking if I let it go on like that for a month, DH should grow to trust the counselor so then I can jump in an accelerate things. What do you think?


Your decision to do less talking and more listening is a good one. You may learn some new things about yourself. A good counselor will tell you what they need to know to help you.


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## Laurentium

D0nnivain said:


> I've been in & out of therapy for years & could probably short cut this 1st meeting by explaining my on-going issues & diagnoses & synopsizing the problems stated above plus giving the counselor some insights into DH


I'd leave out the last bit about insights into your husband.


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## D0nnivain

The counselor was good. He introduced himself & explained his process / expectations. Then he met with us individually; the other went outside & walked the dog for privacy. It seemed like a good approach. DH said he found the therapist easy to talk to so I'm optimistic 

@Affaircare by not sleep, I don't mean wakes up. I mean does not sleep as in stays awake for 36-48 hours at a time yet still goes to work. Not so bad when working from home but it terrifies me when he drives. Starting Monday DH has finally agreed to trying the sleep plan I suggested: no more caffeine after 3 pm & shutting off all devices: computer, TV, phone -- anything with that blue light -- one hour before bed in favor of something quieter like reading a book or journaling & establishing a bedtime routine. That usually helps many people whereas coffee at 10 p.m. & all the light from the electronics is too stimulating.


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