# Sexual Chemistry...thoughts?



## fireflies (Jun 16, 2013)

My story is a long one. I'll fill in as needed, but let me just start here. Is there anything you can do to make sexual chemistry happen between you and your and spouse when it's always been a problem? Or is it just there or it's not? Thoughts?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have to believe it is possible. I have seen glimpses of that old feeling. They are few and far between, but we have a LOT to work on, old hurts that didn't heal to well. 

For me, I focus on what I like about him. I remind myself of all the good things he's done, I focus on parts of his body that turn me on. I also make yes FORCE him to put on cologne. It's like a visceral thing for me...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

fireflies said:


> My story is a long one. I'll fill in as needed, but let me just start here. Is there anything you can do to make sexual chemistry happen between you and your and spouse when it's always been a problem? Or is it just there or it's not? Thoughts?


Some of us where talking about this, and I accepted that there is alot of communication which occurs in the "subconscious", would be tones of voice, bodily guestures, dress, postures, mannerisms, situation responses, etc value or devalue a subject.

Some of the subconscious stuff also includes your "vibe", "energy", "momentum", "mind movies", etc.


I'm talking with another and accepted that you cannot discount the power of a "hot body" male or female. There's more to it than that, but it is a hefty component.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Thirty years later I find it hard to believe what we did when we first met. Man, who would have thought the college library was such a great place for making out  Chemistry - assisted, later in our apartment by bourbon (and that's why you go to the South for college people).

You need to first understand what the problem areas are. Some are solvable. Some may need some help (IC, MC, etc) and some may require serious work. Part of the problem is that people age differently and as they age their perceptions of 'chemistry' change. Thirty years ago chemistry was good to awesome. Fast forward to today and all kinds of problems have popped up.

Peoples' preferences change. What was 'hot' and caused chemistry to bubble a while ago may not be 'hot' today. 

Focus on root causes and keep asking why until there's no more to ask. Then fix what you can.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> Thirty years later I find it hard to believe what we did when we first met. Man, who would have thought the college library was such a great place for making out  Chemistry - assisted, later in our apartment by bourbon (and that's why you go to the South for college people).
> 
> You need to first understand what the problem areas are. Some are solvable. Some may need some help (IC, MC, etc) and some may require serious work. Part of the problem is that people age differently and as they age their perceptions of 'chemistry' change. Thirty years ago chemistry was good to awesome. Fast forward to today and all kinds of problems have popped up.
> 
> ...


Your right. Fashion, age trends, sub groups
..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

treyvion said:


> Your right. Fashion, age trends, sub groups
> ..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


...and even perceptions of aging. Some people think it's normal to not care about sex after you are married, and some think you don't have to TRY to be attractive to your spouse. 

I guess the question here is....why did you get married to someone with whom you didn't have chemistry in the first place? Seems like we kind of think of chemistry as subconscious stuff.... but my h and I are aware of it all the time, we turn it up or turn it down depending on the situation. We also discuss it. But this won't help OP. 

Maybe "His Needs Her Needs" or "The 5 Love Languages" would help.... so you figure out what each other needs/wants/expects/hopes for/etc.... Maybe if you were to work together with these books, with the goal of just "being closer".... then maybe the chemistry would build up? Just a thought.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

fireflies said: "Is there anything you can do to make sexual chemistry happen between you and your and spouse when it's always been a problem?"

Supposedly, if you work on being romantically in love, you will stir up the same formula that causes sexual chemistry.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

fireflies said:


> My story is a long one. I'll fill in as needed, but let me just start here. Is there anything you can do to make sexual chemistry happen between you and your and spouse when it's *always been a problem*? Or is it just there or it's not? Thoughts?


Well, it's possible to rekindle the old flame but if there was never any flame to begin with than I would say no, not possible.


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## fireflies (Jun 16, 2013)

I appreciate the comments. I'll fill in a little info now. Been married 20+ years. We get along but our sex life has always been difficult from day one and it's affected our relationship. I married very young, as a teenager. When we dated there was some attraction and we "played" and I could enjoy some of that. But we didn't have sex until marriage and things just weren't ever good. I expected it to all just fall into place, but it didn't. I have never looked forward to being with him sexually, not once. I've always had to mentally prepare myself and do other things to get through it. It's heartbreaking for him and for me. It's always been a chore and after years of forcing it, it's only gotten more difficult and less frequent.....much less. Over two years now with no sex. My husband thinks I don't want sex at all, but that's not true. I have desire and I take care of myself. It will kill him if I told him that. I just can't bring myself to.  There's resentment and hurt for both of us. After years of it feeling like a chore, his touch of any kind is now emotionally painful. I just can't take it. Our general comfort around each other day to day is awkward. I've prayed for years for help. I've tried. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a total failure in this marriage. He deserves better and I suppose I do too. We've recently separated, my decision, but he wants me back. He says he's willing to live this way for the rest of his life. And, that, because he loves me so much he will, even though he really wants sex. He said if I ever initiate a divorce he will never, ever be with someone else. So, he says, I won't be doing him any favors if I leave. I'm heartbroken. We're heartbroken. This is someplace I never thought I'd be. How can you stay married when you can't stand for you husband to touch you....at all. :'(


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I haven't read all the other posts. I think you either have it or you don't. I believe it is possible to get it back if you had it at one time. Possible, but not a definite. We all change. Some of us more than others. I know there are good reasons why I am not with my first wife. That does not mean I am not attracted to her physically after 20 years apart. I do not act on these feelings. I know they are not logical. I don't think that ever goes away once those feelings are intensified through orgasm. We can decide to choose healthier relationships with someone else to whom we are attracted. There is nothing wrong with that and it generally is healthier in many cases. The decision to love that new person is palpable then. The attraction is natural.

Edit: I think the sexual chemistry is stronger in some rather than others because of "who we are and who they are". The attraction is reinforced by what I value in a woman. The sex and orgasm reinforce that and make that person seem much more attractive and more difficult to consider as incompatible.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I can easily see this thread turning into one debating the value of premarital sex and seeing if that chemistry is there because as many people like to convince themselves otherwise, sexual chemistry is a MUST in a long term HAPPY marriage. I do think to a very large extent, either the couple has it or they don't. You can only go so far to force it to develop. Sort of like an athlete. Sure, you can practice a lot and get better, but to make it to the professional level, you have to have some raw talent that is beyond all the practicing in the world.

My SO and I have an amazing sexual chemistry that was there from the first time we laid eyes on each other. It wasn't just a spark. We set the world on fire. We have amazing sex every day, sometimes more. We were just talking about this the other day, and neither of us can remember when we have even once had 'meh' sex. It is just that good, and she thinks it's even better for her than for me  And we also have an incredible emotional and mental chemistry as well, so we have the whole package, and it is beyond our wildest dreams.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

fireflies said:


> I appreciate the comments. I'll fill in a little info now. Been married 20+ years. We get along but our sex life has always been difficult from day one and it's affected our relationship. I married very young, as a teenager. When we dated there was some attraction and we "played" and I could enjoy some of that. But we didn't have sex until marriage and things just weren't ever good. I expected it to all just fall into place, but it didn't. I have never looked forward to being with him sexually, not once. I've always had to mentally prepare myself and do other things to get through it. It's heartbreaking for him and for me. It's always been a chore and after years of forcing it, it's only gotten more difficult and less frequent.....much less. Over two years now with no sex. My husband thinks I don't want sex at all, but that's not true. I have desire and I take care of myself. It will kill him if I told him that. I just can't bring myself to.  There's resentment and hurt for both of us. After years of it feeling like a chore, his touch of any kind is now emotionally painful. I just can't take it. Our general comfort around each other day to day is awkward. I've prayed for years for help. I've tried. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a total failure in this marriage. He deserves better and I suppose I do too. We've recently separated, my decision, but he wants me back. He says he's willing to live this way for the rest of his life. And, that, because he loves me so much he will, even though he really wants sex. He said if I ever initiate a divorce he will never, ever be with someone else. So, he says, I won't be doing him any favors if I leave. I'm heartbroken. We're heartbroken. This is someplace I never thought I'd be. How can you stay married when you can't stand for you husband to touch you....at all. :'(


You have to discover why you have gone from not enjoying his touch to hating his touch.

Back when you two were having sex, did you have trouble orgasming? Did you two ever talk about it? Years of sex that is not climactic can make you not want sex at all with him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> My SO and I have an amazing sexual chemistry that was there from the first time we laid eyes on each other. It wasn't just a spark. We set the world on fire. We have amazing sex every day, sometimes more. We were just talking about this the other day, and neither of us can remember when we have even once had 'meh' sex. It is just that good, and she thinks it's even better for her than for me  And we also have an incredible emotional and mental chemistry as well, so we have the whole package, and it is beyond our wildest dreams.


Lucky bastard!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I dated a lot before marriage.

My experience is its either there or it's not.

Met my husband and we had that fire from the very beginning too.

It's still there 23 years later.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I can easily see this thread turning into one debating the value of premarital sex and seeing if that chemistry is there because as many people like to convince themselves otherwise, sexual chemistry is a MUST in a long term HAPPY marriage. I do think to a very large extent, either the couple has it or they don't. You can only go so far to force it to develop. Sort of like an athlete. Sure, you can practice a lot and get better, but to make it to the professional level, you have to have some raw talent that is beyond all the practicing in the world.
> 
> My SO and I have an amazing sexual chemistry that was there from the first time we laid eyes on each other. It wasn't just a spark. We set the world on fire. We have amazing sex every day, sometimes more. We were just talking about this the other day, and neither of us can remember when we have even once had 'meh' sex. It is just that good, and she thinks it's even better for her than for me  And we also have an incredible emotional and mental chemistry as well, so we have the whole package, and it is beyond our wildest dreams.


I'm going to debate whether you needed it from the exact start, because sometimes it develops along the way - where you can finally see it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

treyvion said:


> I'm going to debate whether you needed it from the exact start, because sometimes it develops along the way - where you can finally see it.


You're right of course, it CAN develop along the way, and one can even train themselves to feel a certain way towards their partner. I suspect however, that there are a lot of cases where that spark just doesn't develop and people settle for various reasons and never admit that the lack of spark caused a problem.

Esteem issues where someone doesn't think they can get any better or deserve any better. Massive codependence. Social conditioning that if you are not turned on by a persons physical appearance you are shallow. Further social conditioning that there are more inportant things in a relationship than sexual gratification to the point where sex is relegated to an after thought, and if it is important to you, you are labelled an addict, or a perv.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Thought I would offer some reading material. 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-limbo/200909/intense-sexual-chemistry-part-1

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-in-limbo/200909/intense-sexual-chemistry-part-2


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Interesting topic. I have always had a strong attraction to my wife. Her weight has fluctuated wildly and it never mattered. I have always found her intellect and personality huge turn ons. 

Since we have gone from a 2.5 times per week couple to a 1 time every 10 days couple it has taken it's toll on how I perceive myself. I do not get the same vibe from her as in the past. Now when it happens it is still great but it does not seem to have the same level of intimacy. I am really having a struggle to nail down what is going on.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> You're right of course, it CAN develop along the way, and one can even train themselves to feel a certain way towards their partner. I suspect however, that there are a lot of cases where that spark just doesn't develop and people settle for various reasons and never admit that the lack of spark caused a problem.
> 
> Esteem issues where someone doesn't think they can get any better or deserve any better. Massive codependence. Social conditioning that if you are not turned on by a persons physical appearance you are shallow. Further social conditioning that there are more inportant things in a relationship than sexual gratification to the point where sex is relegated to an after thought, and if it is important to you, you are labelled an addict, or a perv.


What if you got your wife after she gained 70lbs, she let that go before meeting you. You think shes nice and you love her, but your sexual spark is only 30%. She used to be a hot body good looker.
So she decides to put it back together after getting you... Drops all the weight, super sexy essence, confidence and everyone can see it. If you like hot bodies your spark for her will increase and maybe blow past your Max because you like her and love her without all that. That's what I was saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I think 20+ years is long enough to decide that the.right sexual chemistry is not there. Ive been married nearly as long - I find that it comes and goes, that attraction in marriage can be cyclical. However, unlike you, the attraction was and is there in my case.

I daresay your husband is maanipulatig you with guilt by saying he would never love again. That's great he feels so much for you - but I hope he develops some self esteem and stops begging you to end the separation. He has never had the experience of being with someone who cant get enough of him and its not too late in life for him to find it. 

Perhaps he doesn't realize how miserable he is in the marriage. From what have read from people here who are in sexless marriages it is none too great. Not worth begging to keep going anyway.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MissScarlett said:


> I think 20+ years is long enough to decide that the.right sexual chemistry is not there. Ive been married nearly as long - I find that it comes and goes, that attraction in marriage can be cyclical. However, unlike you, the attraction was and is there in my case.
> 
> I daresay your husband is maanipulatig you with guilt by saying he would never love again. That's great he feels so much for you - but I hope he develops some self esteem and stops begging you to end the separation. He has never had the experience of being with someone who cant get enough of him and its not too late in life for him to find it.
> 
> Perhaps he doesn't realize how miserable he is in the marriage.  From what have read from people here who are in sexless marriages it is none too great. Not worth begging to keep going anyway.


Nope, BEGGING will not work at all. Nor will being pitiful.

It's not the best way, but there is a way in these types of situations. There truly is a way, but you have to move mountains - and you still may not get it in the particular situation that you are in, but you will have gained your internal self for use in other situations.

No begging and no being pitiful.


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