# Kids



## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Hi everybody. Reading all of these posts has helped me realize that I am not the only person feeling this way.

Right now we are in the midst of seperating. He wants to move out ASAP. I asked him to wait until after the holidays to make any life changes for the kids. 

As far as visitation..how does that work. I don't want him to think he can come over whenever he wants to see them. I want a schedule but I don't want the kids to feel like they are being tossed from one place to another. I want them to know and feel like they have a permanant home. How does that happen?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hopelessus said:


> As far as visitation..how does that work.* I don't want him to think he can come over whenever he wants to see them*. I want a schedule but I don't want the kids to feel like they are being tossed from one place to another. I want them to know and feel like they have a permanant home. How does that happen?


To me, in bold is wrong....VERY wrong.

I mean, he shouldn't show up unannounced and call you ahead of time (and the same other way around).

But to tell a good father that he cannot see his kids whenever he wants to is denying him the most important thing in the world.

His CARE FOR THE KIDS can go down the drain.

You do NOT want that if you love your kids.

If their father wants to see them every day, be happy and thankful that he is that way.

Most kids around these ways do NOT have a father that gives a **** and wants to be with them on regular basis.......

:scratchhead:

If my wife was to tell me that I can only see my kids on HER schedule and on certain days.....that would be devastating.

I would consider not seeing them at all and moving FAR away.

I love my kids and I feel that I need to (and want) to be part of their life on DAILY basis (or as much as I can).

I hope you understand.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I read your other thread and it does seem like he's cheating and wants out ASAP to continue his affair.

No, I wouldn't let him just come and go as he pleases. He can still be a good Dad and stick to a schedule. The court will tell you that schedule though, not us. 

As for waiting until after the holidays, that depends on a lot of things. Are you fighting? Is he going to carry on with his affair while under the same roof as you? Those kinds of things make more stress than a split would and you don't want that around the holidays either.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It’s not visitation. You don’t get custody and he only gets visitation rights. Instead you get shared legal custody and shared physical custody. You will each have the children about 50% of the time. Each of you as equal legal rights to raise your children.

Let's say: 
Week 1: you get the kids from 8 am Saturday morning to after schools on Monday. He gets them after school on Monday until Saturday morning at 8 am. 

Week 2: he get the kids from 8 am Saturday morning to after schools on Monday. You gets them after school on Monday until Saturday morning at 8 am.

You split holidays so that each of you gets them half of the holidays each year. And then you swap the next year. For example one of you gets the kids for 5 days before xmas up to 10am xmas morning. The other gets the kids from 10am on xmas until 10am on New Year’s eve (this is 5 days)
Vacations, each of you get the kids for one 2 week vacation in the summer and a 1 week vacation that does not interfere with the other’s holiday schedule.

Basically you swap weeks so that the two of you get the kids 50% of the time. This means that the kids go to his home half of the time.

Basically your children will not a TOSSED from one place to another. The fact is that in divorce children have two permanent homes. They will move between your two homes. Like I said he has equal legal rights to raise his children.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It’s not visitation. You don’t get custody and he only gets visitation rights. Instead you get shared legal custody and shared physical custody. You will each have the children about 50% of the time. Each of you as equal legal rights to raise your children.
> 
> Let's say:
> Week 1: you get the kids from 8 am Saturday morning to after schools on Monday. He gets them after school on Monday until Saturday morning at 8 am.
> ...


Agreed BUT we all know judge and our justice system will screw the father.......it's a given.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DoF said:


> Agreed BUT we all know judge and our justice system will screw the father.......it's a given.


No it's not a given. 50/50 or close to it is becoming the norm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hopelessus,

Have you exposed your husband's EA to anyone.. like his family?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> No it's not a given. 50/50 or close to it is becoming the norm.


I believe when I see, have not seen that yet (at least not in the state I live in)


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Time to find a lawyer.

You want to set up legal custody arrangements as well as child support.

New York's child support is highly favorable to whoever has primary custody. It is not pro rated based on time spent with each parent.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My youngest was a newborn when I was separated. My ex came here three evenings a week to visit him at home and every morning before work on the weekdays. 

He took our oldest Friday afternoon until Monday morning every weekend.

We shared the holidays (spent them together) during that time... it was awkward but also kind of necessary as our youngest was so small. 

Eventually the plan was to work out something similar for both children to what Elegirl has described above. However, we reconciled before we made it that far.

The reason things were as they were then was due to living arrangements (we lived too far apart then), ex's work schedule, breastfeeding and my youngest's age. My at the time ex was living too far from the school district and his working schedule (evenings mostly at the time) did not permit him to care for the kids full-time (well for a full week at a time) so I had primary custody of both on a temporary basis. (I was eventually supposed to move out of our current residence, allowing him to move back here which would bring us closer to permit the above 50/50 schedule) but like I said above... didn't make it that far before we decided to get back together.

We arranged/agreed to all of this out of court. I suggest people know their rights and laws and try to separate the marital/relational issues from custody ones and settle as much out of court as possible/if possible... saves on money and hopefully animosity as well. 

In addition to the schedule we agreed upon, we also had an open-door policy that allowed him to see the kids outside of our pre-arranged times but that wasn't a "given". Meaning, I did not arrange my life around the chance of him wanting to see the kids on a whim. 

However, if he was in the area, and called or texted me if he could drop by or pick up our oldest to go out for a bit that was fine if I was home/we didn't have plans. Likewise, if our oldest was upset and just needed to see dad, that was fine too. We both felt it was important that we both see the kids/support them as much as possible despite our own issues while still keeping them on some semblance of a schedule/routine. So we were semi-structured but flexible where possible.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

The situation is this: He plans on moving in with his parents even though he has not discussed this with them . He doesn't come home until between 6:30-8:00 sometimes later if he is going out after work.
Whe he does come home he wants to spend time with the kids either by playing video games at 7:00pm on a school night or he sits on the bed with the Ipad while they watch tv. He does like to read books with them. He is a great father when he is able to be. So he is going to take them Wednesday nights. Like I said he doesn't get home until late which means his parents will be babysitting, doing homework, feeding, bathing them..(which I will try to do the night before). As I said my kids are 6 and 8. My daughter is staring to go through some physical changes so she is already having a personal difficult time. I told him Friday nights, Sat. or possibly Sunday nights are fine also. He will be with them all day on a weekend day, but he will not during the week. What's the solution?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> Agreed BUT we all know judge and our justice system will screw the father.......it's a given.


Not around here it isn't.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

DoF said:


> Agreed BUT we all know judge and our justice system will screw the father.......it's a given.


50 50 is hard to find unless both parents work this out before court. Typically no matter what the woman will get primary custody and father gets every other weekend and one night a week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> No it's not a given. 50/50 or close to it is becoming the norm.


But only if the parents agree. If the mother wants to be the custodial parent, she'll get it unless she is unfit in some way.

I have yet to hear of a situation where the mother goes for custody, wants the child support, and the judge says, "nah, lets do 50/50"


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

vellocet said:


> But only if the parents agree. If the mother wants to be the custodial parent, she'll get it unless she is unfit in some way.
> 
> I have yet to hear of a situation where the mother goes for custody, wants the child support, and the judge says, "nah, lets do 50/50"


I've heard it often. Look through parenting boards (like babycenter) which have mostly women in the US. I looked it up for my area, once the kids are out of the baby stage the default is 50/50. But that doesn't always mean no child support.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Every case is different. You can set up any type of agreement that works for all of you.

Personally, I'm not a fan of the children bouncing one week to the next to and from each parent. I think kids need to have stability. That means they only have ONE home. The other they can visit, but then they come HOME. Whether it's the father OR the mother, it makes no difference.

OP, you make the distinction that your stbx gets home so late in the evening and therefore doesn't/won't have time to spend with the kids. But I think you have to start looking at the same picture for you, when you have to work until 5. Who will do after school pickups, activities, homework and the like?

He at least has a built in support system already in place....


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I've heard it often. Look through parenting boards (like babycenter) which have mostly women in the US. I looked it up for my area, once the kids are out of the baby stage the default is 50/50. But that doesn't always mean no child support.


Well this is the problem when misinformation is spread. No offense, but I just went through this. 

A. Instead of fighting an unfair system, we are led to believe it is fair. 

B. in my case my wife did not have one bad thing on me. She moved out to an apartment which means my son would have to be uprooted. She cheated. She abandoned us twice for 20 days . She had an illegal business. She makes about 700 a month. She was caught blatantly lying on the stand. I put my son in bed nightly, read him his book. Was never gone one night. Potty trained him. Was the one who played with him. Fed him breakfast and dinner. Brushed his teeth.etc

So, I decided the child is much better with me and we had the temporary hearing. I was thinking, since their is no gender preference, it must be atleast 50 50. Wrong. I got every other weekend and every other Wednesday for dinner. I never had a chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Some jurisdictions are certainly bias but not across the board. I got 50-50 custody. We have a jacked up arrangement because it's not even one week here one week there....it's mid week spilt. That may change in the next year or so.

OP if your husband is a good dad then I suggest that you sit with him and see if you can make a schedule. The thought of weekends only wouldnt work for me and if you push you could loose in court.

The best advice for anyone getting divorced is to work out as much as you can before going to court. Cause once in court some guy or gal who you never met is going to spend about 30 seconds on your case deciding your life. And that sucks


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Some jurisdictions are certainly bias but not across the board. I got 50-50 custody. We have a jacked up arrangement because it's not even one week here one week there....it's mid week spilt. That may change in the next year or so.
> 
> OP if your husband is a good dad then I suggest that you sit with him and see if you can make a schedule. The thought of weekends only wouldnt work for me and if you push you could loose in court.
> 
> The best advice for anyone getting divorced is to work out as much as you can before going to court. Cause once in court some guy or gal who you never met is going to spend about 30 seconds on your case deciding your life. And that sucks


Exactly. That is the best advice. Try to work things out before. Divorce in the usa is a huge industry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I've heard it often. Look through parenting boards (like babycenter) which have mostly women in the US. I looked it up for my area, once the kids are out of the baby stage the default is 50/50. But that doesn't always mean no child support.


Well that sure as hell isn't Illinois policy.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

vellocet said:


> Well that sure as hell isn't Illinois policy.


Not Maryland either. I know several divorced couples (including my own sister) & in all of them the mom got full physical custody & the dad got visitation. In only half of these couples did the father get joint legal. Mind you, there was nothing wrong with the dad in either of these cases. The moms also got child support & none of them had to pay the father any type of CS. This seems to be the norm in my state.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I'm not saying 50/50 isn't becoming more common. But from experience, at least in Illinois anyway, that isn't the case without an agreement between the 2 parents being worked out. I tried for 50/50. The x wanted to be the custodial parent, she didn't want the kids to have two main residences (that and she wanted the child support).

So we go for 50/50, didn't happen. Judge awarded the cheating huss custody, but joint custody. Which is really a joke. All joint custody does for me is give me a say in things like where they go to school, activities, etc. But they custodial parent's lawyer likes to offer that to make it look like they are being reasonable.


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

vellocet said:


> I'm not saying 50/50 isn't becoming more common. But from experience, at least in Illinois anyway, that isn't the case without an agreement between the 2 parents being worked out. I tried for 50/50. The x wanted to be the custodial parent, she didn't want the kids to have two main residences (that and she wanted the child support).
> 
> So we go for 50/50, didn't happen. Judge awarded the cheating huss custody, but joint custody. Which is really a joke. All joint custody does for me is give me a say in things like where they go to school, activities, etc. But they custodial parent's lawyer likes to offer that to make it look like they are being reasonable.


Oh yeah, joint legal is a crock of $hit. I think they do that just to placate the father.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

JustTired said:


> Oh yeah, joint legal is a crock of $hit. I think they do that just to placate the father.


Yes, they do that as if the father is really going to think, "I didn't totally lose, I got some rights"


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

So far we settled on him with the kids on Wednesday nights and Saturday nights and all day Sunday. I am not a fan of them being away from me on school nights. I seem to have different priorities when it comes to homework and tests. He will also come by and drive the kids to school every morning as he will be living close by. But in conversation, how do I explain things to the kids? Should I just wait until they ask? I know my kids sense things. There have been personality changes in them.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Yes, they do that as if the father is really going to think, "I didn't totally lose, I got some rights"


In ga joint legal means I "have a say" but the primary has final decision making power. 

And even if we were 50 50, the amount of child support is the same. Which of course made my cheating wife very open to giving me more time with my son. Less work, same amount of money. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

marriedman321 said:


> In ga joint legal means I "have a say" but the primary has final decision making power.


Exactly. That was almost verbatim what my attorney said. To which I said, "so whats the point?"



> And even if we were 50 50, the amount of child support is the same. Which of course made my cheating wife very open to giving me more time with my son. Less work, same amount of money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


EXACTLY!


But to get back to the thread and not jack it, Hopelessus, you asked the way it works.

I can tell you from where I'm at what is "customary" and as described by my attorney. If you want custody, as the mother, you will get it. Your H will pay child support and at the minimum, if customary like my area, he would be entitled to one night a week, every other weekend, and up to 1/2 of their summer break.

Also, major holidays, typically, are rotated unless otherwise agreed upon.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Hopelessus said:


> But in conversation, how do I explain things to the kids? Should I just wait until they ask? I know my kids sense things. There have been personality changes in them.


Preferably, if you both can do it in a civil manner, you should both sit them down and explain it to them sooner rather than later.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

As for now I am lucky to have a support system. My parents pick up kids Mon. and Tues. His parents Wednesdays and I leave work early Thursday and Friday to get them. The same system will be in place if he leaves anyway. I need routine the kids need routine and structure. How will I maintain structure for them if they are coming and going? Will this be their new structured routine?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hopelessus said:


> As for now I am lucky to have a support system. My parents pick up kids Mon. and Tues. His parents Wednesdays and I leave work early Thursday and Friday to get them. The same system will be in place if he leaves anyway. I need routine the kids need routine and structure. How will I maintain structure for them if they are coming and going? Will this be their new structured routine?


Humans have this natural power to adjust and make do with whatever comes their way.

They will be fine, you will be fine. It won't be easy, but nothing ever is.

You guys will do whatever it takes to make things work. Don't worry about that.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Hopelessus said:


> As for now I am lucky to have a support system. My parents pick up kids Mon. and Tues. His parents Wednesdays and I leave work early Thursday and Friday to get them. The same system will be in place if he leaves anyway. I need routine the kids need routine and structure. How will I maintain structure for them if they are coming and going? Will this be their new structured routine?


Its tough, very tough. I can tell you, they will adjust.

In the beginning when I went to drop my kids off, my oldest at the time was clinging to my leg not wanting to go back home. It was heartbreaking. He wanted more time with me.

But he adjusted. They will have a routine, it just won't be what they are used to before the divorce.

You all will make it. Trust me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep, as with any change, humans (especially children) have issues.

IN TIME, they will be just fine and new situation will become the norm.

Be optimistic and positive about it, it will reflect it on them as well!

When they cry or become emotional.....brush it off your shoulders........you have to get creative but also keep your emotion/feeling at bay (which is not easy).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustTired said:


> Not Maryland either. I know several divorced couples (including my own sister) & in all of them the mom got full physical custody & the dad got visitation. In only half of these couples did the father get joint legal. Mind you, there was nothing wrong with the dad in either of these cases. The moms also got child support & none of them had to pay the father any type of CS. This seems to be the norm in my state.


Yet, in 1998 the guy I later married lived in Maryland. He got 100% custody of his two children. His wife had visitation. She also had to pay child support. 

It the depend a lot on the judge. He had a female judge.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustTired said:


> Oh yeah, joint legal is a crock of $hit. I think they do that just to placate the father.


I don't think that joint legal custody is a crock. If only one parent has legal custody that parent can make any choice they want. For example they can move out of state and the other parent has no say.

If their child is in the hospital, only the parent with legal custody can even talk to the docs much less make any medical decisions.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think that joint legal custody is a crock. If only one parent has legal custody that parent can make any choice they want. For example they can move out of state and the other parent has no say.
> 
> If their child is in the hospital, only the parent with legal custody can even talk to the docs much less make any medical decisions.


No, a parent cannot just arbitrarily move out of state, even with 100% legal custody. That has to be approved by the Judge as for "the best interest of the children" and takes a Court Order of Approval. (Legally speaking, of course).

And a non custodial parent CAN speak with medical practitioners, although the final decision does rest with the legal custodial parent.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think that joint legal custody is a crock. If only one parent has legal custody that parent can make any choice they want. For example they can move out of state and the other parent has no say.
> 
> If their child is in the hospital, only the parent with legal custody can even talk to the docs much less make any medical decisions.


I have joint legal and yes, its a crock of sh*t. Its only a feel good negotiation ploy.

All it does is give me a say in their upbringing, like extra curriculars, which school. If my x-wife doesn't agree, then the decision is hers.

So basically I have a say, but its her way or the highway. And she can move them out of state if she wishes. Joint legal does nothing for that. Again, I can fight it, but the final decision is hers. Trust me, I discussed this with my attorney.

So yes joint legal IS a crock. It does nothing for me. Its just a way for my x and her lawyer to appear like they are being reasonable.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Revamped said:


> No, a parent cannot just arbitrarily move out of state, even with 100% legal custody. That has to be approved by the Judge as for "the best interest of the children" and takes a Court Order of Approval. (Legally speaking, of course).


But the court WILL approve it. If the custodial parent needs/wants/has to move, then they aren't going to order that the child stay behind with the other parent. They have to be with one of them, so the legal parent will have the final say. Again, my attorney confirmed this much. He said I can fight it if it ever happened, but I'll lose unless I had 50/50.



> And a non custodial parent CAN speak with medical practitioners, although the final decision does rest with the legal custodial parent.


Exactly right.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

vellocet said:


> But the court WILL approve it. If the custodial parent needs/wants/has to move, then they aren't going to order that the child stay behind with the other parent. They have to be with one of them, so the legal parent will have the final say. Again, my attorney confirmed this much. He said I can fight it if it ever happened, but I'll lose unless I had 50/50.


This must depend on your area too, I was in court for support of someone and the lady before them was asking to move 3 hours away, same province. Her ex had weekend visits and her new husband, who she also had kids with, got a job in the new location. She was told SHE can move all she wants but her child can not. Her choice, stay or go without the child- period.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This must depend on your area too, I was in court for support of someone and the lady before them was asking to move 3 hours away, same province. Her ex had weekend visits and her new husband, who she also had kids with, got a job in the new location. She was told SHE can move all she wants but her child can not. Her choice, stay or go without the child- period.


Give me the name of that judge. I want to send him some fan mail!

Illinois is one of the worst states for non-custodial parent rights, namely fathers.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

He's out! He moved in with his parents. Tuesday was his first night. They told him it is temporary. He has the kids with him on Wednesday nights and Saturday nights and every morning to drive to school since we live close. Although he already screwed up the first morning. I am not going to deprive him of seeing the kids or vice versa. They all love eachother. But now that he is gone evry morning and night they ask me where daddy is. I tell them Gram's house. Then they ask why. I think its time to tell them a bit of what's going on. I will probably not be able to refrain from crying. Should I let my emotions show letting them know it is a sad situation and they feel ok sharing theirs as well?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> No it's not a given. 50/50 or close to it is becoming the norm.


I have heard that also. very good development.....


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I can start the conversation with the kids..Daddy won't be living here, he is going to live with Gram and Pop..What's the answer for why?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I have heard that also. very good development.....


Well tell me which states employ 50/50 no matter if the mother wants to be the custodial parent, and I'll move there just because that state is run correctly.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Give me the name of that judge. I want to send him some fan mail!
> 
> Illinois is one of the worst states for non-custodial parent rights, namely fathers.


Same way here in Colorado. But I am talking about 50% custody which is the norm here. I believe it's even written in the divorce decree that she can move but the kids can't.

I have a friend who's x wife just tried to pull this ****. He has his kids every other weekend. She wanted to move them out of state, got a lawyer and tried to prove this was in best interest of the kids. Even with all that the judge told he you can go but then sole physical custody will instantly be awarded to your x husband. 

It's hard to imagine it much different other places cause it's just so common place here. Judges here are big on kids needs first.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Well tell me which states employ 50/50 no matter if the mother wants to be the custodial parent, and I'll move there just because that state is run correctly.


Colorado. Unless you abuse or neglect your kids if you want 50-50 you get it. Have never seen a single case go otherwise


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Hopelessus said:


> I can start the conversation with the kids..Daddy won't be living here, he is going to live with Gram and Pop..What's the answer for why?


What are the ages


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Colorado. Unless you abuse or neglect your kids if you want 50-50 you get it. Have never seen a single case go otherwise


That's the way it should be, but I live in socialist hell that is Illinois and can't wait to retire and get the hell out.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

My kids are 6(boy) and 8(girl)


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

That's still pretty young. I'm would keep it generic. Say you and dad are having some problems and right now living apart is the best thing. Then remind them that this is not about them and that you BOTH still love them.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Wow. In Australia, the parents get a choice in when they get the kids and child support is based on income and the amount of time the non custody parent has the kids. My ex has the kids every second weekend. That was his choice because he works full time and quite honestly couldn't handle them much longer than that because they interfere with his personal life. I'm stoked that he said he will have them 8 days over the xmas holidays this year. Woo hoo. 
Before he took me to mediation, he was saying he wanted them full time, then said 50/50 then we got there and he stayed with what we originally had which is every second weekend, Friday after school to Sunday night... well it was Monday morning but he (ok his fiancé) didn't like having to take them to school Monday morning so even after asking for that at mediation he changed his mind (again surprise surprise) and went back to Sunday night. 
It has been such a **** around to get him to see his kids. He won't have them if they are sick, if he has made plans with his fiancé for that weekend ect. And all my lawyer tells me is "you can't force him to see his kids" but you know, me being the mother doesn't get a choice with having my kids even if I didn't want them.
People think the courts are too hard on the father but that's a load of bull. They just know the mother makes life sacrifices and puts her children first, where most cases the father is free to live his life child free and there is nothing the mother can do about it because he calls the shots. Pfft


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## dougy (Nov 8, 2014)

If it was me I would want a schedule of some sort, because if you have broken up with someone the the last thing you need is to be involved in a constant dialogue as to when or when not you can see the kids and vice versa.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Since he moved out bc he needed "privacy" and was lonely he moved back in with his parents. The kids stay there Wednesday nights and Saturday nights. He comes to the house every morning to drive them to school and I lethim take them when ever he wants and kids want. My daughter 8, is having a hard time with it. She cries almost every night bc she misses him and wants to know when he is coming back. She wants to spend time with him. I absolutely hate him for making her feel this way even though the reaction is probably normal. My son is very protective of me. He doesn't want to leave my side and doesn't want to go with him bc he says he doesn't' want me to be alone or sad. He is 6. They are both handling it differently but both need more love and attention. As far as myself I am beginning to get over it but I can't do that fully until he gets his stuff out of the house. He said he doesn't have a place to put it. Too bad! I need to start moving on.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Don't be in such a rush to remove every trace of your x. It's still a changing time for you all. You can clean out his closet and box up some clothes.

Do stuff slowly. As your children get used to the idea daddy doesn't live there anymore, it will become easier for them to understand he won't be back.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Kids know that daddy doesn't live with us anymore. My daughter is taking it hard. They don't see him taking his stuff but for everything he is putting me through with a mutual friend that he has a crush on..or EA or more..I don't want any trace of him in the house. I want all our mutual and his stuff out ASAP. The house cannot be a storage unit while he plays bachelor.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

ELEGIRL I spoke to my parents about the EA about 2 weeks ago. They absolutely despise him now. He still thinks they love him like a son. They don't want to be near him or his family anymore. I feel the same way. I have not said anything to his parents because they will look at it as my fault. I could care less what they think.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Weekly 50/50 visits just wouldn't work for him (even though he considers spending an hour or 1.5 hrs with them at night) We both work but I always have to leave early to pick up kids from school.( we just started afterschool this week) By the time he sometimes gets home its 6:00-6:30 sometimes later. I can't see him taking kids at 7:00 at night and calling that quality time if they just go to bed at 8:00pm. They are 6 and 8. 

Right now the set up is Wednesday nights ( where his parents pick up kids from school and take care of them until he gets home), Friday nights, all day Saturday until usually 7pm. He also picks them up every morning on his way to work to drop them off at school. I hate that generally bc I don't want to even see his face. 

I don't think he is a good role model if he is and has cheated through everything and brings the kids around those other women.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

So we got a dog. I advised him to take his stuff with him that is on the floor because I don't want to be responsible if it gets damaged. The dog is young and chews everything. He took about 80% of the stuff. I plan on putting the rest of the stuff (except the broken pinball machine) in the attic if he doesn't want to take it now. I need to move on and his stuff is just in the way.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hopelessus said:


> So we got a dog. I advised him to take his stuff with him that is on the floor because I don't want to be responsible if it gets damaged. The dog is young and chews everything. He took about 80% of the stuff. I plan on putting the rest of the stuff (except the broken pinball machine) in the attic if he doesn't want to take it now. I need to move on and his stuff is just in the way.


Really? You didn't think you had enough stress and financial issues already? 

C


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Hey I am teaching my kids responsibility. It is a bit more hectic, but things are slowly moving along. Once again I have a routine. The kids actually went downstairs this morning fed him, walked him to the paper and played with him. Since we got the dog and I started counseling for them their grades have improved. I also cancelled a few things like my sirius radio and keep them busy with friends. All I can do is look forward for both them and myself. Life can't come to a halt.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Hopelessus said:


> Weekly 50/50 visits just wouldn't work for him (even though he considers spending an hour or 1.5 hrs with them at night) We both work but I always have to leave early to pick up kids from school.( we just started afterschool this week) By the time he sometimes gets home its 6:00-6:30 sometimes later. I can't see him taking kids at 7:00 at night and calling that quality time if they just go to bed at 8:00pm. They are 6 and 8.
> 
> Right now the set up is Wednesday nights ( where his parents pick up kids from school and take care of them until he gets home), Friday nights, all day Saturday until usually 7pm. He also picks them up every morning on his way to work to drop them off at school. I hate that generally bc I don't want to even see his face.
> 
> I don't think he is a good role model if he is and has cheated through everything and brings the kids around those other women.


To reduce the stress are you able to get someone else to facilitate the transfers? Like your parents or his? That way you don't have to see him. Doing this helped me heal. Also, if he needs to spend time with the kids at your place. Leave the house and take a break while he watches them.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

My new rule is he cannot be in the house. It's confusing to all. I let him know when I won't be home so he can get his stuff. It's a very slow process.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> My new rule is he cannot be in the house. It's confusing to all.


Sounds reasonable to me.

Because my separation took so long, I actually created an access schedule in Excel which split up time with the kids equally and fairly and got my ex to sign off on that and we followed it. It worked pretty well and ended up being what we both ended up with after divorce.

Just don't make the mistake of being one of those women that try to gatekeeper the kids. Whatever you think of him, he's the kid's father and has exactly the same rights of parenting time with the kids as you do. Its difficult to do but you need to separate out your relationship issues from your parental responsibilities.

You might not like the way he parents or what he does with his personal life...but now that you're separated, what he does is his business. Its not always an easy transition but ignoring his lifestyle until you can become truly indifferent is something to practice.

I got through it by concentrating on being the best mom I could be and forgetting about everything else.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Its hard to create an equal time schedule when we both work. Right now I get them 5 nights a week. I get home by 4:30 and pick them up at after school. He doesn't get home until minimum 6:30 if he is not working late. On Wednesday nights when he sees them, he is only with them for 2.5 hrs unless he keeps them up late..its a school night. I have to care about things like that. Staying up late effects their school performance. If I may ask what are your children's ages and what is your time schedule?


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