# first time poster... just need to rant



## blackholesun (Jul 18, 2017)

so this is my first time posting... 

after skimming through the forum, my problem/rant hardly counts as a "real" problem... but I'm at my wits end now... I just want to hear what some of you guys think...

I'll try my best to keep it short, so I'll summarize in point-form...
- my wife is 6 months pregnant and likes to do pregnancy yoga.
- we've been out of town for about 1 week and just came back home yesterday; today she decides to do some yoga.
- she rolls out her mat, and suddenly asks me if I can wipe it down for her because there's "dust" on it, AND she doesn’t want to get on all-fours to wipe it herself because she’ll feel "strained" and doesn't want that feeling.

- first off, there was no dust on it… it’s only been a week… AND plus the yoga MAT goes on the floor, if you're so scared of "dust", then I guess find a way to not do yoga on the floor.
- secondly, you’re afraid of feeling “strained”?… You’re about to do YOGA… which is an exercise based on stretching to the point of “strain”… how is wiping down your own yoga mat something you absolutely cannot do before doing YOGA?

- LONG before her pregnancy, my wife has had this bad habit of asking me to help her do ridiculously menial tasks which she could absolutely do herself, and it drives me nuts. And when I address it, she goes ape**** crazy.

- so this case was basically the same, I stated that there’s no dust on her mat, she insists that I wipe it for her, I “accidentally” step on her mat with my bare foot and she promptly tells me to get off because there’s dust on my feet. I cannot understand the logic behind this, so I tell her that you’re about to do YOGA… if you’re afraid of straining yourself by WIPING DOWN YOUR OWN YOGA MAT, then why aren’t you afraid of straining yourself from the yoga itself?

She then goes into a tirade saying it’s a simple task, and why can’t I just do it… Maybe I’ve just grown to despise her constant need for someone to do tiny little menial tasks for her that she’s more than capable of doing herself… she has yet to realise the ridiculousness of her logic and is still mad at me… it’s been 24 hours…

So in the end, 
Was it a simple task? Sure… but it’s not about the task itself… for me, it’s about showing her its about time to grow the hell up and start doing these small dumb things for yourself. 
“Oh but she’s 6 months pregnant, just do it for her” you might say… and yes, I’m fully prepared to get the “insensitive” label thrown at me. But this behaviour dates way back before she was pregnant. Part of me can’t stand how soft she is… how will she deal with childbirth in a few months if she’s scared of straining herself from wiping her own damn yoga mat?

Anyhow, this post has become a rant… so much for keeping it short…


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have kids already or is this your first child?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

I see this becoming a much bigger issue when the baby comes...alot of menial tasks come with babies 


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Most people would wish this was the biggest problem they have with their spouse. 

I wonder if she does any small things for you that you could do yourself?

If you don't want to do something, simply say no, rather than using it to teach her a lesson.
If she presses as to why, tell her your not up to discussing it right now then proceed on with your day, don't engage. 
Do this each time, and she will most likely stop asking.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you've chosen to fight this battle when she's 6 months pregnant?

Why?


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## blackholesun (Jul 18, 2017)

Tex X said:


> How old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Do you have kids already or is this your first child?


we're both in our early 30s
married for 3 years, been together for 6...
this is our first kid...




wringo123 said:


> I see this becoming a much bigger issue when the baby comes...alot of menial tasks come with babies


yes i agree... so here's the thing... It's not like I'm not wanting to be a "team-player" and help out around the house... I do a lot of housework, and I'm willing to do it... 
Maybe it's just the way I was brought up, I would never ask my wife to do tiny little things around the house that I can do myself... I just want her to toughen up and not be scared of "breaking a nail" so to speak...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Here's a litmus test: if your wife leaves you because you think she should "toughen up" will it have been worth it?

Maybe that answer yes.....we all have our deal breakers.

We all do small things we consider to be a pain in the ass because it makes our spouse happy. Just think carefully about whether this is that big of a deal.


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## blackholesun (Jul 18, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Most people would wish this was the biggest problem they have with their spouse.
> 
> I wonder if she does any small things for you that you could do yourself?
> 
> ...


This is the problem I find myself in... Yes, I hate myself for having to use it to teach her a lesson. But then the issue goes unaddressed and it just happens again. With her, if I just went about my day and just said no, that would cause an even bigger fight. 





lifeistooshort said:


> So you've chosen to fight this battle when she's 6 months pregnant?
> 
> Why?


OK... hear me out... I know I'm gonna sound like an insensitive prick to you... but "6 months pregnant" can't be used as an excuse for "just shut the hell up and do it"... this just starts to create a vicious cycle...
You ask me Why? 
Because we're talking about the physical act of wiping something gently with a cloth... and the subsequent reason of "I dont want to strain" for not doing it - followed by yoga which requires requires LOTS of "straining"... so why? Because the logic makes absolute no sense... 

But yes, the counter arguement would be "I'm 6 months pregnant, so shut up and just do it"... To which I have nothing to say I guess... If "just-shut-up-and-do-it" keeps up then it's a game of chicken, to see when I'm pushed to the brink... everyone's got a breaking point... and that's not a healthy way to go being together...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You should get some counselling about how to communicate and treat each other with respect. 

I'm almost 7 months pregnant and it is definitely a lot harder to do what were simple tasks before. It's not comfortable at all. I can't wait to get back to normal. 

What makes you so angry and upset about it? I'm guessing it is a lack of respect and attitude that you are getting? You say that this was an issue before pregnancy, but have you ever addressed it or tried calmly to explain why you get upset? 

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## blackholesun (Jul 18, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Here's a litmus test: if your wife leaves you because you think she should "toughen up" will it have been worth it?
> 
> Maybe that answer yes.....we all have our deal breakers.
> 
> We all do small things we consider to be a pain in the ass because it makes our spouse happy. Just think carefully about whether this is that big of a deal.



It's all about balance right?... 
Getting hit in the face with a sock-full of pennies will hurt... but they're just pennies... a few of them on their own are nothing...
These menial task requests start to build up and get more and more frequent... and being 6 months pregnant doesn't keep you from doing these tasks... 
This behaviour has been going on LONG before her pregnancy... 

It's when I refuse to do the menial task, is when it becomes a big deal because she goes into an absolute uncontrollable tirade... so who's making it a "big deal" ?
again, let me reiterate, that I do A LOT of housework... I'm not one of those couch slobs who just sit around watching hockey all night...


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## blackholesun (Jul 18, 2017)

MrsAldi said:


> You should get some counselling about how to communicate and treat each other with respect.
> 
> I'm almost 7 months pregnant and it is definitely a lot harder to do what were simple tasks before. It's not comfortable at all. I can't wait to get back to normal.
> 
> ...



OK... I'm obviously not in a position to comment on the comfortableness of performing simple tasks when 6+ months pregnant.... That's a given... I accept... 
It's the speed that she goes from zero to a million on the anger scale within seconds.... that's what I can't take anymore... 
Yes, the task is always menial and tiny... I tell her "C'mon, why can't you do that yourself?" ..... and then she explodes on cue.... I try to calm the situation down, and she gets even MORE furious. Then there's no "talking" about it... and when that happens, I start to get upset because now we're fighting about the tiny menial task.... But that's not gonna make me do it... 
Vicious cycle...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I can see where you are coming from, has this bothered you before?

Are you sexually frustrated by any chance? 

Does you wife have a princess syndrome?

Does she do tasks for you, is she at home, working, etc

It is possible that she just wants reassurance, attention, etc when she is pregnant?

During my pregnancies I was very independent, too independent because my H initially would rub my feet but soon left me to my own devices, including walking, grabbing taxis, etc

Did this bother you before she got pregnant?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

It sounds like learned behavior. Is this how her mother treats her father? There is a reason she is behaving like this.

I gotta tell you that trying to address this at 6 months pregnant is not optimal timing. But ok, it is what it is. The best thing you can do is make sure to never lose your cool in these situations - even if she does. You've allowed this behavior to go on for a long time now, so it is considered acceptable behavior by her. It 's the norm now. You need to own your part in that. It didn't get this way in one day, and it won't fix itself in one day either. First off, the uncontrollable tirades are just unacceptable. You need to tell her that - "I don't appreciate you talking to me that way, and I will not listen to anything you have to say until you calm down and can speak to me like an adult". That's it - calm, cool, and collected. Her anger issues are HER issues, but it's up to you to state your boundaries and not allow yourself to be treated that way. 

Have you ever had this conversation outside of when she's asking you to do a menial task?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

blackholesun said:


> Yes, the task is always menial and tiny... I tell her "C'mon, why can't you do that yourself?" ..... and then she explodes on cue.... I try to calm the situation down, and she gets even MORE furious. Then there's no "talking" about it... and when that happens, I start to get upset because now we're fighting about the tiny menial task.... But that's not gonna make me do it...
> Vicious cycle...


"C'mon, why can't you do that yourself" is a negotiation tactic, and it's ineffective. Try changing your response to "You can do that yourself". Then STFU and walk away. Give her space and time to think about it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You are right about this situation, this is a menial task she should do herself without asking you. If she want to be a hypochondriac, that's her problem. But marriage isn't about being right, it's about being nice to her even when she's being nasty about something. If you keep on throwing things back in her face like you have been, you won't be married much longer...now that may or may not be a bad thing, you'll have to decide for yourself.


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## blackholesun (Jul 18, 2017)

Tex X said:


> It sounds like learned behavior. Is this how her mother treats her father? There is a reason she is behaving like this.
> 
> I gotta tell you that trying to address this at 6 months pregnant is not optimal timing. But ok, it is what it is. The best thing you can do is make sure to never lose your cool in these situations - even if she does. You've allowed this behavior to go on for a long time now, so it is considered acceptable behavior by her. It 's the norm now. You need to own your part in that. It didn't get this way in one day, and it won't fix itself in one day either. First off, the uncontrollable tirades are just unacceptable. You need to tell her that - "I don't appreciate you talking to me that way, and I will not listen to anything you have to say until you calm down and can speak to me like an adult". That's it - calm, cool, and collected. Her anger issues are HER issues, but it's up to you to state your boundaries and not allow yourself to be treated that way.
> 
> Have you ever had this conversation outside of when she's asking you to do a menial task?


Her parents almost got divorced a few years ago...
Over what exactly? I'm not sure... It was money related... 
Her father is a typical do-nothing-around-the-house kind of guy... He'll never wash a dish and never pick up a mop... So... I don't know if there can be any comparisons drawn...
She is however, an only child... And her parents did everything for her when growing up... (aside from the university years of course)...

Yes OK I own it... me doing all this at 6 months pregnant is an issue... OK I'm a **** for being like this... I can't say anything, because "6 months pregnant" is the trump-card.... I get it... I'll swallow it... Just like the million times I've done before... And when I "state my boundaries" in a "calm, cool, and collected" manner... that warrants an even BIGGER explosion of anger from her.... so I lose every time.... 
As I said in an earlier reply.... I really don't want our marriage to become a game of chicken, where we see when it is I break...

And no... We haven't had this conversation outside of the task-doing timeframe... Bringing it up would warrant another outburst....


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

blackholesun said:


> And no... We haven't had this conversation outside of the task-doing timeframe... Bringing it up would warrant another outburst....


Whoa - easy there big guy. I'm not bagging on you for bringing this up at 6 months pregnant - just stating the obvious that it's not optimal timing. You're really worked up and on edge. You need to get a handle on that quick. Do you have any safe/close friends you can discuss this with? Hobbies/leisure activities? Don't forget to take care of yourself.



blackholesun said:


> And no... We haven't had this conversation outside of the task-doing timeframe... Bringing it up would warrant another outburst....


Well that is just 'victim speak'. You're already decided what the outcome is, so you won't have the conversation because you already know it will end poorly for you. That is definitely no way to live. You can't fix her, but you can sure as hell decide how you will or will not be treated. That part is definitely up to you, and you need to have that conversation ASAP.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

blackholesun said:


> so this is my first time posting...
> 
> after skimming through the forum, my problem/rant hardly counts as a "real" problem... but I'm at my wits end now... I just want to hear what some of you guys think...
> 
> ...



OP, I know exactly where you are coming from. One time, my wife asked me what the weather was going to be like tomorrow? She had her phone in her hand, where she could have easily looked it up herself. I said "baby, i dont know, why don't you look it up?" I must have said it with an annoying face or something, which I can totally see myself doing. The look I'm talking about is "really? cmon man, I'm not doing everything for you". Well, I sure paid for that comment because she got upset. I think it's a hurt pride thing. Like, I depend on you to help me, and when you are a smart-a$$ like me, it shocks them. So they get pissed. 

Next time, don't wipe it down. When we are watching a game having a beer, I used to get up from my chair to get my wife another one. Well, there was this one time where she was drinking, realized she didn't have any, shook the bottle to make sure, and then looked at me...as if to say "can you get me another one?" Well, that just rubbed me the wrong way, and I said "sure...just let me finish watching this part in the game." That part in the game took about 30 minutes. In that time period, she could have had 2 beers. My point was made, and now, it's a 50/50 on who gets who a beer...which is the way it should be.

I get it. It's not the task, it's the principle. You didn't marry a little kid. You're not a baby-sitter. So if she doesn't like it, tell her to not do Yoga then. Because, fvck it, that's why. When she yells at you, pop open a beer, and tune her out. Then again, if she gets mad like my wife does, that'll be tough.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

blackholesun said:


> This is the problem I find myself in... Yes, I hate myself for having to use it to teach her a lesson. But then the issue goes unaddressed and it just happens again. With her, if I just went about my day and just said no, that would cause an even bigger fight.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Ok, hear me out. I have 2 kids, and pregnancy is a very vulnerable time in a woman's life. If she doesn't feel like her husband has her back, she will never forget it.

Just keep that in mind. You don't speak of your wife in a loving manner..... you speak of her like someone who's a pain in your ass.

The battles you want to fight are up to you, just understand that they could have consequences for your marriage. You honestly don't sound like you like her all that much anyway.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

she insecure and want you to show act of service to prove you love her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

blackholesun said:


> Her parents almost got divorced a few years ago...
> Over what exactly? I'm not sure... It was money related...
> Her father is a typical do-nothing-around-the-house kind of guy... He'll never wash a dish and never pick up a mop... So... I don't know if there can be any comparisons drawn...
> She is however, an only child... And her parents did everything for her when growing up... (aside from the university years of course)...
> ...


Anger is a huge turn off in any marriage pregnant or not. Please talk to her and tell her that her anger is becoming a big issue for you and your are not her enemy or her punching bag. Tell her that you do not want to have anything to do with her when she is angry. If she has an outburst in relation to you stating a boundary or telling her to do something she is well able to do. Just look straight at her and say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' and walk away.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I would like to remind the women of TAM that the OP did come to the men's clubhouse...and not the ladies's lounge, not general discussion, he was trying to get things off his chest that were bothering him and was looking for other men's perspective on his situation, and while this is an open forum that allows anyone to respond to anyone's post, give him some slack. this is exactly why we can't have nice things. ;-)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Don't wipe the damn yoga mat. She's pregnant, not an invalid.

This issue goes much deeper than her asking for help with menial tasks though. You have to figure out what's driving the behavior and then address it OUTSIDE of one of her silly requests. Address it now so the next time she asks, all you have to do is say, "We already discussed this. You're capable of doing this yourself." 

And then do NOT let it escalate further -- leave the room if you must.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I would like to remind the women of TAM that the OP did come to the men's clubhouse...and not the ladies's lounge, not general discussion, he was trying to get things off his chest that were bothering him and was looking for other men's perspective on his situation, and while this is an open forum that allows anyone to respond to anyone's post, give him some slack. this is exactly why we can't have nice things. ;-)


Hon, men come to the ladies lounge all the time..... it is an open forum 

OP, I don't want you to think I'm suggesting you have to just shut up. Just that 6 months pregnant is a terrible time to fight this battle and you should think about what's important and what's not. 

That's all.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

"Her Parents Did Everything For Her Growing Up"

She grew up spoiled and reacts in anger and throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her own way. That's her parents fault, they enabled that behaviour. It will be difficult for her to change, especially since you picked up her parents job. 

My husband was spoiled growing up, very difficult to get him to be domestic and independent, it took years, lots of patience and me staying at home full time. 

She may or may not change with the baby on the way, I recommend a life coach or something, otherwise you might be stuck taking care of baby full time too. 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, I'm a woman and I'm not going to tell the OP to shut up and just do what his diva wife insists, just because she's pregnant. Big damned deal - she's doing what women have done since the dawn of time.

I think some readers have MISSED where the OP has stated a couple times that she's been making this same ridiculous demand for a long time - LONG BEFORE she was pregnant. She sounds like a spoiled little princess who thinks you need to jump whenever she snaps her fingers. 

It's a matter of RESPECT, not whose right and whose wrong, or who should kiss a pregnant woman's ass just because she's pregnant. It's about respect. This is no different than me putting on my sneakers and insisting my husband tie them for me so I don't 'strain' my back doing it - then I go out in the yard and bend over to pull weeds. Its nothing more than a spoiled little child's attempt at a power play.

She's a self entitled little princess who needs to grow up. She'll soon learn that she is NOT the center of the universe - that'll come right around the time she has a screaming infant whose spewing from both ends and she doesn't know which end to deal with first. :grin2:


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It's a **** test. 

The correct answer is a firm and confident "no" then go about your day. 

Later in the day, do something nice for her, unannounced and without expecting thanks. 

There are levels of reasonableness with all types of requests, and you do not have to do every little thing that's expected. Is this particular issue a big deal? No. Do I think it has to do with yoga mats or dust? No.

It's not a bad thing to use your no once in a while. Be supportive in other, more meaningful ways.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Exactly. This is an ongoing **** test that will not change unless OP takes a stance and sets some boundaries. With pregnancy it will get worse. With kids....worser.

I don't hear that OP is now deciding to take a stance at the inopportune 6 months pregnant mark. He clearly states that this has been going on a long time and that it was primed by her upbringing. Yup, sucks that this is where you are now. Pregnancy is not a reason to treat your wife like a child. I love the suggestions of saying "Nope", move on then do something for her later. Boundaries.

Responding to a spouse out of threat, coercion, fear or stress is not good. Ever.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> She's a self entitled little princess who needs to grow up. She'll soon learn that she is NOT the center of the universe - that'll come right around the time she has a screaming infant whose spewing from both ends and she doesn't know which end to deal with first. :grin2:


I thought that way about this to. If she's going to make such a big deal about her husband cleaning the mat, how is she going to deal with an infant making constant demands on her? ...pass it all along to her husband?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

My ex used to ask me to do menial tasks. On their own it's like "why make a fuss out of grabbing me a pair of socks before I go to work"

For me it was years of stupid tasks he could have done himself. I started to feel used, like my time wasn't as important as his. 

Honestly I can't even explain the hate I felt for the stupid "can you grab me a pair of socks" type tasks. I feel you though and I'm thinking you're in the same boat of "this thing is simple, why make a fuss" but it is driving you insane. 

I never did fix it so I have no idea how. If she does have a need for acts of service it can get tricky. 

Also, there was a lot of other things there. If I was happy, needs met and appreciated I don't think the getting socks would have been such a big deal. I'd look at the relationship as a whole and figure out if there is more going on that is pushing your buttons.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

jivany said:


> Next time, don't wipe it down. When we are watching a game having a beer, I used to get up from my chair to get my wife another one. Well, there was this one time where she was drinking, realized she didn't have any, shook the bottle to make sure, and then looked at me...as if to say "can you get me another one?" Well, that just rubbed me the wrong way, and I said "sure...just let me finish watching this part in the game." That part in the game took about 30 minutes. In that time period, she could have had 2 beers. My point was made, and now, it's a 50/50 on who gets who a beer...which is the way it should be.


I do (or did) everything for my wife, I cook her meals, I clean up the place, I do the laundry and fold her clothes, she couldn't even figure out how to switch on the oven 6 months after we'd moved in. So I kinda get where the OP is coming from too (although my wife is not and has never been pregnant). 

It's not the doing things for her that I mind, in fact, I quite like doing things for her. It's that I then still have to endure the "I don't feel special to you" speeches. I made you 8 cups of tea today, why doesn't that make you feel special?? It would if it was me, if you made me breakfast and brought me coffee, I'd feel very special indeed. 

Sometimes these little things just really get to you. i remember when we'd just got a new pot, which I washed with soap and water before using. Then my wife walks in a looks at it and says, "Hmmm, can we wash this again?". And it was just that "we" that was a real look to the sky and plead for assistance type of moment - "we" have already washed it woman, why don't YOU wash it, if you're not satisfied? Or when she says "Oh, do only you get a glass of water?" after I sit down, when she is nearer to the glasses and the water than I am. Grrrrrrr *starts vibrating like Wolverine*.........can't you get it your damn self woman????

So yeah, these things bugged me too.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

blackholesun said:


> OK... I'm obviously not in a position to comment on the comfortableness of performing simple tasks when 6+ months pregnant.... That's a given... I accept...
> It's the speed that she goes from zero to a million on the anger scale within seconds.... that's what I can't take anymore...
> Yes, the task is always menial and tiny... I tell her "C'mon, why can't you do that yourself?" ..... and then she explodes on cue.... I try to calm the situation down, and she gets even MORE furious. Then there's no "talking" about it... and when that happens, I start to get upset because now we're fighting about the tiny menial task.... But that's not gonna make me do it...
> Vicious cycle...


How did she treat you when you were dating?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I wouldn't focus too much on the single instance of cleaning the yoga mat. That may be the straw that broke the camel's back, but there are many exactly the same that came before it. It sounds like she thinks of herself as a princess and is entitled to get people to do things for her. I think you may have to have a frank discussion where you tell her, "When you ask me to do these kinds of tasks it makes me feel like a servant. In the future, there should be a clear reason why you're asking me to do it instead of doing it yourself."

On the flip side, be sure to ask her if she needs anything when you're getting something for yourself. So if you're getting a glass of water, ask her if she wants anything while you're up. That will help satisfy her need for feeling taken care of.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Once the baby arrives, all your problems will be solved. Just hang in there!










Our kids kept our house clean, did all our laundry, mow the yard, and countless other things as they really seemed to enjoy making mom and dad happy. I also got to relive my childhood playing Nintendo and building legos with my son.



Relax and enjoy that part, because as soon as your children become teenagers you will find a crashed car in the garage, 200gb of data over on your cell phone plan, no food in the house, and your wife's yoga mat will be repurposed as a sturdy drop cloth for when your son decides to spray paint his motorcycle tank on the back porch:










Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

vauxhall101 said:


> I do (or did) everything for my wife, I cook her meals, I clean up the place, I do the laundry and fold her clothes, she couldn't even figure out how to switch on the oven 6 months after we'd moved in. So I kinda get where the OP is coming from too (although my wife is not and has never been pregnant).
> 
> It's not the doing things for her that I mind, in fact, I quite like doing things for her. It's that I then still have to endure the "I don't feel special to you" speeches. I made you 8 cups of tea today, why doesn't that make you feel special?? It would if it was me, if you made me breakfast and brought me coffee, I'd feel very special indeed.
> 
> ...


Yup. This guy gets it.


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