# Conditioned Behaviour Problems



## gtl (Jul 10, 2020)

I just wanted to see what people thought.

Been married over a year now.

I love my wife but she has had some stuff she has gone through in her past but has over all grown in wonderful and beautiful ways over the years. We met at our undergrad and now I work and she is getting her masters and is also working.

During the course of this last year, I feel like I have been conditioned to not try anything. It would seem like I have the worst timing possible or something. I mention something and she will start crying, she's miserable from work, she's in back pain, or I'll have managed to speak at the worst possible time. Also, lets say I would be successful and we start to engage, that too could end in crying or after the intercourse she will be miserable too.
It also sucks, that she's said some awful stuff in passing and lets me know how disgusting she thinks semen is and she hates is sooooo much every single time. 

I've lived my whole life being single and avoided dating until i met her. I just am shocked how I have been conditioned so quickly to think of awful things when it comes to sex and basically avoid it. I don't ever try anything and I just think of the million awful things that probably will happen and I move on. Every new thing we tried in the beginning ended in awful back pain for her, so I don't try new things anymore. Even if she wants sex, we will. But she just kind of lays on me until she comes and I just lay there. I feel there isn't much their for me. 

Why is it like this? Is this a normal thing for new couples? Am I the problem? How come I equate trying to have sex with her to just the worst stuff.. and in my head it's easier to not start anything at all than to try and get crushed again and again and again.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'd say this is totally abnormal. Perhaps there was abuse in her past? Whatever the reason or cause, it will be a very difficult, very long process for her to change for the better, and she may not be willing to commit to such a long-term effort. Sorry to say, but IMO it might be best to divorce and learn from the experience.


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## gtl (Jul 10, 2020)

I would like to mention that we are best friends and I love her a lot. I would say that most things are pretty good and we do work great as a team. I don't think there is any glaring problems that I am aware of. It's nice when we do have sex with no issues, which does happen most of the time. I just don't ever feel like bringing it up.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Totally abnormal.

It’s too bad you can’t get the cliff notes experience of the men that decided to go down that road. You will slowly come to resent her in due time and then you will find yourself sexless and miserable. There are tons of people that come through this place that “decided to overlook it” only to end up in a hell hole of misery


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No, it's not normal.

No, you're most likely not the problem.

You feel this way because you have more negative associations than positive associations with sex (or sex with your wife). A man can only take so much rejection.

Your wife needs to get into therapy for her past trauma. Both of you should read this book:
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> You will slowly come to resent her in due time


BTDT. Mr. Married is completely right on this one. Somebody else said it on here earlier. I can hire someone to wash clothes (and this person won't insist on picking out everything I wear), I can eat in a restaurant, and I can have a "friend" without it costing me my entire bloody life sacrificed on the altar of paying for it. I could get all of this stuff done for me for about 1/10 of what the maintenance, payments, land lease, taxes, cars, grandkids, pets cost.

Marriage has only one purpose: SEX... everything else is available safely, morally, without marriage.

This is going to cost you a hell of a lot more than the sex you are going to get is worth.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

gtl said:


> Why is it like this?


You married someone who isn't marriage material. 

Can I assume these problems didn't start after the wedding, but were manifest beforehand?

If it was hidden until the wedding, then you have the double whammy of ''bait and switch'' and someone who isn't marriage material.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I have had lots of hot, wild, monkey sex with many women and I would wonder what’s in it for me as well if I was in your situation. 

Not do I not think your situation abnormal, but I think it is completely unhealthy as well. 

This sounds very dysfunctional and disconcerting to me.

What you are experiencing in your reluctance to initiate and engage in sex with her is the beginnings of a sex aversion. I recommend you look up that term and become familiar with it.

There is a good chance your wife may already have a full blown sex aversion towards you and instead of sex being something that is exciting and pleasurable and bonding for her - it is actually anxiety and provoking and makes her want to be around you less. 

I agree with the other posters that state if this is allowed to continue, resentment and perhaps even hostility and contempt will grow. 

This is a cancer growing on the relationship and in time the entire relationship could fail.

My recommendation is recognize that this is a serious, malignant problem that needs professional intervention ASAP if you want the relationship and marriage to continue.

Seek a good marriage counselor and they may recommend sex therapy as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

gtl said:


> I would like to mention that we are best friends and I love her a lot. I would say that most things are pretty good and we do work great as a team. I don't think there is any glaring problems that I am aware of. It's nice when we do have sex with no issues, which does happen most of the time. I just don't ever feel like bringing it up.


There *IS *a glaring problem here - she is not sexually attracted to you and actually seems to find sex with you revolting and it is a traumatic experience for her.

*THAT IS A PROBLEM. *

The rest of the stuff you mention is just two people who get along ok and make good roommates.

Do you want a roommate or do you want a spouse, a mate and a special someone. 

Romance and sexuality are what makes our special someone special and separates that relationship from all the rest.

You can put a post in Craigslist or Market place for a roommate to split the bills and household chores. You can go fishing with your buddies and out for drinks after work with your coworkers. 

You can do virtually every thing else with other people in your life. 

But intimacy and passion and sexuality our what makes our mate special above the rest - 

- and sex makes her cry and cringe and say deeply hurtful things to you. 

You both need to suck it up and have some deep, serious discussions and determine if you even want to be together or not. 

If you do, you’ll need some serious MC and sex therapy. 

If you don’t, then work together for as fair and cooperative divorce as possible and each of you move to find someone more compatible.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

GTL, you're not getting very healthy responses here. It's just the same general and tired comments that men often get from this board when they post about the problems in their marriage of a sexual nature. But you would not necessarily be correct in taking those comments as fact. There could be more to it than anyone here could possibly know about.

I suggest you talk with a professional. Speak with a female marriage therapist or a female sex therapist. They would be familiar with the underlying reasons women like your wife respond and behave the way they do because this issue is not so uncommon as you or anyone here might think. Initially, I suggest you make an appointment and go alone. If you bring up to your wife that you think the two of you need counseling, she will likely reject the notion outright and won't want to participate. But if you go without her, she will more likely become interested if for no other reason than wanting to know what you and the therapist are saying about her. Going alone, the therapist can enlighten you as to the possible reasons your wife has unhealthy views about sex. Once she begins participating, the therapist can make her understand how her unhealthy views unfairly make you feel. And you both can learn better ways of approaching your sex life.

I can tell you that oftentimes, a new young wife gets turned off from sex and from her husband mainly because she didn't know how marriage would be until she's married. Like you, she spent her adulthood free and single, with no particular feeling of obligation in the sex department. Even if she had boyfriends, it wasn't like what she discovered marriage was like. Oftentimes, the new young husband thinks and behaves like he's found himself a new play toy, someone to have sex with on a regular bases, someone to grope and be touchy-feely with. But the new young wife grows resentful and feels used, objectified, and convenient. That is why a lot of young wives often say things like 'You just want me for sex." And they start making all kinds of excuses to avoid it just like your wife is doing. The new young wife didn't know or expect that is what married life would be like. She didn't know that her demanding husband would make her feel like a piece of furniture. So she develops a negative and unhealthy view of sex and her role in his life. And sometimes they say things that sound disgusting because disgusted is how they feel.

No one is to be blamed, neither you for your actions nor her for her responses because both are really very common. But you have to learn to respect each other's needs, and she has to learn to respect your manhood and not make you feel bad about it.

Obviously, I am no more certain that this is/was the dynamic in your relationship than anyone else's thoughts and comments. No one here is there with you and your wife to know for sure. I'm only submitting what often occurs between young newly married couples and that neither of them are aware of how their dynamic ended up the way it did since neither of them are aware they did or are doing anything wrong.

Nevertheless, a professional can help you get to the bottom of the issue and propose ways to overcome and establish healthier views and healthier sex life.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

gtl said:


> Why is it like this? Is this a normal thing for new couples? Am I the problem? How come I equate trying to have sex with her to just the worst stuff.. and in my head it's easier to not start anything at all than to try and get crushed again and again and again.


Semen/sex aversion - not normal outside trauma
Suppressing these issues until they’re married - very common

When someone tells you who they are believe them. Again if any of this came up while dating I guarantee she’d still be single. Honestly, she knows this. So she does what millions of women do... put on a show until you get a ring. While trauma is serious, so is hiding it from your future husband. Also not getting it treated before marriage is a foul. Why? It effects you just as much and you’re living proof. And if you’re having panic attacks over semen, oral sex, etc, you are NOT ready for marriage.

I’d quit bringing up sex altogether and seek individual counseling as this will only get worse. You need a self-care plan and to understand what’s going on. Long-term, she needs to realize she is destroying you and your marriage by not facing whatever it is. But it cant come from you. Women despise any inference “they’re broken” but that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it at your own peril. My wife was pissed that I said I was starting IC due to her issues but she eventually realized she was avoiding it and started.


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