# Feeling guilty and unsupported by husband.



## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

This is a bit long so thanks to anyone who takes time to read it. 

I would like some advice on a situation I have with my husband concerning money and me being a SAHM. My husband was born and raised in a very poor foreign country, although his family is considered middle class there. He finally immigrated to the U.S. to live with me and our son. For the first year after he arrived here we used to fight a lot about money because he was struggling to find an engineering job with his foreign degree and he kept mentally converting dollars to his home currency. We had a lot of financial support from my mother and even lived with her at first. I stayed home taking care of our infant son.

Eventually we moved out on our own but stayed below the poverty line. We continued to have some fights about money but we got by. Now he recently landed his dream job as an engineer. It's a contract-to-hire position so the pay is initially lower but still more than enough. Everyone at his job loves him and they've made it clear from the start that they are very excited to hire him as a salaried employee, with plenty of overtime pay and benefits.

I am a still a SAHM and currently pregnant with our second child. I have a degree and some student debt but my degree is very limited. Honestly my degree is only specifically necessary in one type of government job (though in very very high demand with the government) and the minimum pay is more than what my husband is currently earning. I'm more than happy to be a wife and stay-at-home mom rather than pursue my career. My husband was on board but now his opinion has changed. He keeps talking about me getting a job and putting our kids in daycare. It's not financially necessary and may cost more in the end anyway. Plus I strongly believe in one parent being at home to raise the kids when they aren't in school full-time. Things we agreed on before marriage and kids. 

I have struggled with postpartum depression and I am still mildly depressed now. I stay home with our toddler which gets very draining. We only have one car and my husband works 30 minutes away so I can't (money-wise) drop him off at work and keep the car. My husband moved us into a nicer apartment that we both love, but made me feel that the extra money spent on rent means we shouldn't spend money on unnecessary things. But for him everything is unnecessary except bills and basic food. He has even questioned me using toilet paper since he was raised using water. He also doesn't approve of me using the dishwasher or the AC, two things he also grew up without. However these were two of the pluses I had been looking forward to when we picked out this apartment. 

But I've adapted to all this and enjoy free activities like walking outside. I'm just sick of talking about money and me working. I don't mind waiting to do "unnecessary" things, like camping, backpacking, eating out, seeing movies, visiting family, joining classes, etc. But I'm sick of hearing about how much every little thing costs. He thinks if I work I will have money to spend on these things and therefore I will be much happier. We already have money for extra things but he doesn't feel secure about it. If I get a job then my money would go towards "extra" things without him feeling burdened. But for me the negatives of working outweigh any benefit. He keeps talking to me and trying to convince me until I'm crying. 

I'm living with so much guilt about spending any money and I don't feel supported as a SAHM. Will he get used to the cost of things in the U.S. the longer he lives here? Should I just ignore him when he talks about me working? It always leaves me in tears. What is the best thing to do?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

By the time you pay to put two children in daycare, buy a car, gas etc you won't be bring any money home. It's always better for children to be with at home rather than at daycare. You don't need any extra money to live and you are not spending a lot of money on frivolous stuff. I think your husband is acting this way because he grew up so poor. Tell him you will get a job when your children are in school , untill then you will be staying home with your children. As a Dad he should want what is best for his children and being raised by strangers in daycare is not best for children.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

If you both agreed on this arrangement, then it is still valid for you or him to be a SAHP. Sit down and go over the agreement again and make a budget you both can live with while having a few amenities to brighten your life. A budget can relieve his fears. Toilet paper is a necessity and do not budge in that...a man can shake and shower but a woman needs toilet paper. Please speak to someone about your depression and ask for help from your friends if you need it with your kids. I just had a lovely day at the park with my friends toddler because she was in dire need for some alone time. I loved it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You should sit down do an excel spread sheet looking at the two options financially first

1. stay at home 2. work

You may find there is little difference between the two, and not enough to make it feasible for you to go to work when you consider all things such as childcare, eating lunch at work, car and petrol, costs of office clothing, new shoes, maintenance for work (requires much more when you work then if you are SAHM).

Also consider the qualitative pros and cons of both options.

You do that and then ask to have a talk with him. It may be that you compromise, and go part time initially, you might even enjoy getting out of the house. The kids might enjoy a few hours making other friends, etc.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Thanks for your responses. 

We moved to a new city for his job and we have moved constantly since he arrived here. Before that we both married and lived in his home country for awhile. Many of my old friends now live far away and wouldn't drive so far just to spend a day with me. I've had a hard time trying to make friends here without using money, or from going to work or school. I only see other women with children on the walking path behind our apartment and my son jumps at the chance to play with their kid, but I don't want to just attack them to be my friend and hang out. 

I've made a budget but it just freaks him out more. He doesn't seem to have a good sense about how much or little our bills are in dollars. These numbers are much higher than in his home currency, even though the ratio of expense to income is a lot more affordable here than in his home country. We have a surplus of income each month of $600 and we put most of it to paying debts off faster. I like doing that too but I think we can also afford to put some fun in our lives once in a while. He doesn't seem to trust or wrap his head around the good position we are in now, and keeps remembering how it was before. He is also extremely happy just living here in the U.S. because everything here is hundreds of times better and more happy than his home country, so he doesn't get why I'm not as ecstatic as he is just by existing here. I guess I was just used to a totally different lifestyle and standard of living. 

I actually worked part time before as a cashier because he bugged me so much about getting a job. I worked a few hours after he would come home from work. While I loved working and it was nice to talk to people, it ended up encouraging him to quit a job he didn't like and forced me to work full-time. He wouldn't keep our son on any semblance of a schedule for sleeping and his parenting style included never letting a child be upset, meaning rewarding their temper tantrums. It become so chaotic at home, our son screamed or whined constantly with hardly a few seconds break in between. It drove me crazy. Eventually he enrolled in a master's program and got student loans to help pay for everything and he got a job as a cashier at the same place I was working. He realized he hated staying home. I quit and stayed home. And now this topic of me working is being brought up again.

Should I just get up and walk away when he talks about it? Or should I let him handle paying the bills and managing the budget? I read somewhere that when the breadwinner handles the money they can become more aware of the money situation and more confident about it? I'm scared of comments he has made about just paying something late, because I've built good credit scores for us, but maybe he would just figure out its not fun to pay something late? Do you think there is some other reason he keeps bringing up me working, even though it didn't work out well before?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

What most people do not realize is that staying home with a child that requires 24/7 adult supervision is for all practical purposes the same as providing an elderly parent with what you call an "assisted living" situation. The going rate on assisting living in the US is about $3,500 a month. 

Just invoice your husband for that amount since it is all about money, and then he will realize he can not really afford to send you to work. 

Sincerely, 
Badsanta


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

badsanta said:


> What most people do not realize is that staying home with a child that requires 24/7 adult supervision is for all practical purposes the same as providing an elderly parent with what you call an "assisted living" situation. The going rate on assisting living in the US is about $3,500 a month.
> 
> Just invoice your husband for that amount since it is all about money, and then he will realize he can not really afford to send you to work.
> 
> ...


Wow. I looked up a daycare in our area. Its $400 per week for a toddler and an infant for a max of 12 hours supervision. My husband works 10 hours and takes a 2 hour nap after work, so I watch our son by myself for at least 12 hours.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You don't want to put your kids in day care. You are entitled to this if it was agreed to before you started having children. Now, I would question why you are having babies that you cannot afford but that's a different subject. When that subject of daycare comes up you tell him "I am not putting the kids in day care". Make that an absolute statement with no room for negotiation. You should take over managing the money and the budget, and show him how the budget enables toilet paper and some of the other things you want to do. Once the budget is laid out and understood by him, you use that to put an end to all the daily nitpicking on spending. IF he remains unreasonable, you should go home to your mother and allow him some time to figure out how being a husband and father works in the USA


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Thanks for the advice. He became a bit more reasonable after our last conversation so I hope this is not just temporary appeasement but a real change. Time will tell on that. I think you are right that I should adopt a more "I'm not negotiating" stance. I guess its my fault for giving up in the past when he bugged me enough about it and now he thinks that it will work again. I still feel like there is something else behind his motivation to get me out of the house and working but maybe it really is just about him feeling financially responsible for his family.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes, things are more expensive here but he is also making a lot more money here than he would be where he lived. Don't negotiate with him. When he married you he took on the financially responsibility of taking care of you. He sounds like a tightwad, does he give you money for anything or do you have to ask him for money for anything you buy and then he questions it? Make sure you have a say in how the money is spent. Don't feel guilty for staying home taking care of your children, you are doing the most important job out there.

Suggest to him to start putting money away to buy you a car, eventually you are going to need one to take your children to school and other activities.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Yes, things are more expensive here but he is also making a lot more money here than he would be where he lived. Don't negotiate with him. When he married you he took on the financially responsibility of taking care of you. He sounds like a tightwad, does he give you money for anything or do you have to ask him for money for anything you buy and then he questions it? Make sure you have a say in how the money is spent. Don't feel guilty for staying home taking care of your children, you are doing the most important job out there.
> 
> Suggest to him to start putting money away to buy you a car, eventually you are going to need one to take your children to school and other activities.


He is a bit frugal. I use money when I need it, he just questions it and guilt-trips me later about it. It makes it annoying to go shopping with him. I realized later that he would feel free to spend money on things he finds important (but that I don't) but he often makes me feel guilty about spending money on things I appreciate. Like this last Mother's Day I told him that I wanted him to get a cake, card etc. He never grew up celebrating any birthdays or holidays so he doesn't consider them important. He was gone a long time and came back with what I asked for and that our son helped pick out. But he made a comment about how much money he had to spend on that. I found out later in the day that he was gone so long because he also purchased a spray to clean our car interior, special rags, and a scrubber. So really he was thinking he had to spend money on something stupid when he wanted to buy cleaning supplies for the car. I realize its pretty selfish. But I felt guilty until I found out about that. He's 26 and never got to live alone but he did choose to marry and have kids right away. I'm just hoping he will grow up or it will stop after some time. He's been patient with me when I was acting immature.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Cecezakat said:


> Wow. I looked up a daycare in our area. Its $400 per week for a toddler and an infant for a max of 12 hours supervision. My husband works 10 hours and takes a 2 hour nap after work, so I watch our son by myself for at least 12 hours.


You should print out that information for him. He needs to see how much daycare costs. As soon as he sees it will be at least $400 per week, he'll shut up about you working.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> My husband was born and raised in a very poor foreign country, although his family is considered middle class there. He finally immigrated to the U.S. to live with me and our son.


I'm assuming you're from the US... How did you hook up with this guy in the first place and what made you think you would have much I common with some guy from a third world country? 

Just sounds like a huge cultural difference between the two you. I mean no toilet paper or A/C?!? If you're fighting over wiping your a$$ then what common ground do you have to build a long term relationship on?


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Haha. I sent him a link and asked when I would get my paycheck. He said I do earn that much money at home. Later he spontaneously offered to buy me a milkshake. I hope he doesn't bring up me working anymore.


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## LisaKane (Jun 26, 2015)

Cecezakat said:


> Haha. I sent him a link and asked when I would get my paycheck. He said I do earn that much money at home. Later he spontaneously offered to buy me a milkshake. I hope he doesn't bring up me working anymore.


You are working. BadSanta is absolutely right...childcare is expensive and if he were paying you...he wouldn't be able to afford you. It is sad that you have to put a money value on raising children for it to be valued. There is no more negotiating or being harassed for his insecurities. If he needs emotional or financial help in seeing the truth of his situation, perhaps he needs to see a life coach to learn how things work if he doesn't believe you. The lack of respect he shows you is staggering. My fear is that this changes your dynamics in your marriage as I would see him as an extra child.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> I'm assuming you're from the US... How did you hook up with this guy in the first place and what made you think you would have much I common with some guy from a third world country?
> 
> Just sounds like a huge cultural difference between the two you. I mean no toilet paper or A/C?!? If you're fighting over wiping your a$$ then what common ground do you have to build a long term relationship on?


We don't fight over the toilet paper, he just sometimes questions if I truly NEED to buy it among other things. It's annoying sure. To be fair I did live in his country and used water but it was set up for that over there. We met online learning different languages. We had great conversations and our way of thinking was the same. We met IRL and and had great times together. We share the same interests and have balanced strengths and weaknesses. But we were both under 25 when we married and when he arrived in the U.S. he changed a bit because he no longer had to repress himself. It's been challenging and very hard work but what we have is so worth it. Plus we have an adorable toddler who is extra-ordinarily cheerful for his age so we must be doing something right


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Cecezakat said:


> It's been challenging and very hard work but what we have is so worth it.


I guess that's my point. It's challenging enough for couples as it is without adding a cultural conflict component to the equation. You're both going to have to be VERY understanding and accepting of your differences. I'm sure you thought it was worth it if you moved to his country and married. That's certainly a personal decision I'm sure you carefully made.

Good Luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> By the time you pay to put two children in daycare, buy a car, gas etc you won't be bring any money home.


She said that her husband is an engineer and has a job that will be paying very well.
You have no idea how much Cecezakat would make if she got a job. She says that she would be making more than her husband. So I rather doubt that she would have nothing left after things like child care, a car, gas, etc.

I know what engineers make. If she makes more she will most likely have plenty left over after all those expenses. Plus she will be building a career that will bring in more over time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I get that your husband grew up poor and that the prices of things here are a huge sticker shock. The life style is quite a shock too. But there are a few things that stand out to me as a concerns.



Cecezakat said:


> My husband was on board but now his opinion has changed. He keeps talking about me getting a job and putting our kids in daycare. It's not financially necessary and may cost more in the end anyway. Plus I strongly believe in one parent being at home to raise the kids when they aren't in school full-time. Things we agreed on before marriage and kids.


All of us have the right to change our minds. I am sure that he was not aware of what a life and marriage here would entail, the sticker shock, etc. 


Cecezakat said:


> I have struggled with postpartum depression and I am still mildly depressed now. I stay home with our toddler which gets very draining.


How old is your son? Did you get any treatment for the postpartum depression? Its really a bad idea to get pregnant when you still have this going on. Is your doctor aware?
You find staying home with one child very draining. What do you think it will be like with two children?

Some women are not really cut out to be SAHMs. Sometimes the postpartum depression and mommy depression is caused by the isolation from being at home with a child. This leads to a person’s world shrinking down to almost nothing. For a woman who has lead a full time, went to college, etc. it can be a real shock to your mental and even physical health.

I agree that having one parent at home is a very good idea. At least until the children are in school.

But more important is that the children have a stable family life and two healthy parents. You might be more mentally healthy if you went back to work and had a life that included more activities. A child who is taken care of in child care is not raised by someone else. The parents, if they include the children in their non-work life, spend the majority of the time with the children.

I know women how have gone back to work because they just could not handle the SAHM thing. They, their marriage and their children benefited from it. 


Cecezakat said:


> We only have one car and my husband works 30 minutes away so I can't (money-wise) drop him off at work and keep the car.


How much insight and control do you have with finances? Do you have equal access and equal decision making in your marriage?

If you two cannot afford for you to drop him off at work so you have access to the car on some days, then you have a serious financial situation. Can he carpool with someone at work? Has he checked out the car pool services in your area?


Cecezakat said:


> He also doesn't approve of me using the dishwasher or the AC, two things he also grew up without.


Does he realize that a dishwasher saves money in the use of water and electricity/gas?

What do you have a say about in your marriage? If you cannot even decide how to do the dishes?

The AC? That depends on where you live.


Cecezakat said:


> He has even questioned me using toilet paper since he was raised using water.


This is one thing that I would suggest you compromise and learn some new things with.

It might seem odd to some, but the water thing is good. I grew up in places that had bidet. I prefer that to paper. Paper does not really get a person as clean as water and soap. 

You and your children could learn to use the water sometimes. But also keep toilet paper in the house for times when that makes sense. 

Take a look a toilet bidet spray 

You might want to tell him that if he will get that and have it installed you will cut down on your TP usage. But you will not give it up all together. Just a thought.


Cecezakat said:


> I'm just sick of talking about money and me working.


Well your husband clearly feels that he is not able to support you and your children. He clearly has a lot of fear from going up by a standard that is poorer than you are used to. This marriage is not only about you. It’s about both of you. 

He has fears. If you want your marriage to work, then you will need to compromise. Keep in mind that if your marriage fails, you will need to work. So perhaps it’s better that you get a job and start doing that now.

One of the benefits of a working mother/wife is that the husband/father does not carry the entire weight of the financial responsibility of the family. That means that he can work 40 hour weeks and not as much over time. It means that he gets to spend more time with his wife and children than he would otherwise. 



Cecezakat said:


> I don't mind waiting to do "unnecessary" things, like camping, backpacking, eating out, seeing movies, visiting family, joining classes, etc. But I'm sick of hearing about how much every little thing costs. He thinks if I work I will have money to spend on these things and therefore I will be much happier. We already have money for extra things but he doesn't feel secure about it. If I get a job then my money would go towards "extra" things without him feeling burdened. But for me the negatives of working outweigh any benefit. He keeps talking to me and trying to convince me until I'm crying.


Oh, why are you crying? Really? Crying? Your husband is telling you that he is insecure about his ability to support you and 2 children. He has extremely good reason to feel this way. Until how he’s only been able to support you and your child at below poverty levels. He has a job now at low pay with a promise of full employment. But you never know. The job market these days is very volatile.

The worst thing you can do when your husband is telling you of his fears and concerns is to make it all about you can cry. 

You need to get a job. Your husband is having problems with shouldering full financial responsibility and living in continued poverty and/or lower income. 



Cecezakat said:


> I'm living with so much guilt about spending any money and I don't feel supported as a SAHM. Will he get used to the cost of things in the U.S. the longer he lives here? Should I just ignore him when he talks about me working? It always leaves me in tears. What is the best thing to do?


I’m sure that he is not feeling very supported as a breadwinner either. 

No you should not ignore him when he talks about you working. And you need to stop crying. Grown up women do not cry when their husband comes to them with an issue. They help their husbands solve the issue. 

The solution here is for you to get a job. Then work out a schedule for child care and household chores where the two of you share these 50/50.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cecezakat said:


> Should I just get up and walk away when he talks about it? ?


No, a person should never get up and walk away when their spouse brings up a concern. You talk about it. And you do not cry. Crying is a way to get an advantage, to shut down the discussion.



Cecezakat said:


> Or should I let him handle paying the bills and managing the budget? I read somewhere that when the breadwinner handles the money they can become more aware of the money situation and more confident about it? I'm scared of comments he has made about just paying something late, because I've built good credit scores for us, but maybe he would just figure out its not fun to pay something late? Do you think there is some other reason he keeps bringing up me working, even though it didn't work out well before?


I think that since he is still struggling with the money and costs of things in the USA, you should be the one to handle the in finances. But that means keeping him in the look.. like give him an income and expense report monthly. this will let him know what the bills are vs income.

The way you describe your husband when he was at home, it sounds like he is challenged in the area of structure. So maybe you can make an effort to educate him on how to manage finances.. a method that gives structure, ensures savings and financial stability but at the same time allows for the having some fun in your life.

Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich". The two of you can read it together and work out a plan based on the book. I think this would make him feel more secure. And if you have a joint plan he might stop going into panics. 

I do think that at some point you might want to consider going back to work. Can you find a part time job in the area of your degree? Even the gov hires people part-time in many areas. Also, they can be very flexible with allowing comp time, time off, vacations etc.

I've worked in an engineering firm. The couples take turns taking time off to go to school functions, take children to the doc, etc. the men are as involved in the children as the women are. It's a good thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> What most people do not realize is that staying home with a child that requires 24/7 adult supervision is for all practical purposes the same as providing an elderly parent with what you call an "assisted living" situation. The going rate on assisting living in the US is about $3,500 a month.
> 
> Just invoice your husband for that amount since it is all about money, and then he will realize he can not really afford to send you to work.
> 
> ...


But what if she takes home twice as much as that? Then she can afford the child care, it's tax deductible so her take home goes up.

Plus she is building a career where in a few years she could be making a lot more.

I know that where I live, very good child care can be found for a lot less than $3,500 a month. It depends on where the OP lives.



Cecezakat said:


> Wow. I looked up a daycare in our area. Its $400 per week for a toddler and an infant for a max of 12 hours supervision. My husband works 10 hours and takes a 2 hour nap after work, so I watch our son by myself for at least 12 hours.


How many places did you check? Did you check day care that is provided by individuals in their own home?


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> She said that her husband is an engineer and has a job that will be paying very well.
> You have no idea how much Cecezakat would make if she got a job. She says that she would be making more than her husband. So I rather doubt that she would have nothing left after things like child care, a car, gas, etc.
> 
> I know what engineers make. If she makes more she will most likely have plenty left over after all those expenses. Plus she will be building a career that will bring in more over time.


The job is only in one location and you are required to move in order to get the job. On my own I would have picked up and moved to go through the application process and/or purse Master's to make my degree more applicable to non-government jobs. Instead I made the decision to move to his country and marry since there was no way for him to come here and we were in love. 

Now I don't have interest in making us all move there for my career. Instead I am planning to shift focus to becoming an interpreter/translator. It's still based off my degree but increases my job opportunities and has the ability to work from home. I have picked up 4 languages and I love learning them. I plan to spend my time increasing my fluency to native level in each language one by one so I can make it my career when the kids are in school. When we have more money in the next year or so I definitely want to take more classes, or hire a tutor to help my progress.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I get that your husband grew up poor and that the prices of things here are a huge sticker shock. The life style is quite a shock too. But there are a few things that stand out to me as a concerns.
> 
> 
> All of us have the right to change our minds. I am sure that he was not aware of what a life and marriage here would entail, the sticker shock, etc.
> ...


Our son is 2 years old. He has a speech delay that makes it hard for him to communicate his needs but he is old enough so he ends up getting frustrated when we can't understand. I get drained in part because of the current pregnancy and depressive symptoms and then being cooped up inside. Also my son is in the terrible twos with little to do and a problem speaking. I never felt drained by taking care of him when he was under 15 months. I think that he will be doing better by time the next baby is born, speech-wise and behaviorally too.

I've had depression issues since puberty, so its not just from staying home, having kids and not working. My last pregnancy actually helped my depression as did breastfeeding and my symptoms have been lessening the further along I am. My doctors do know and recommended I continue taking an antidepressant. However that antidepressant is Class C meaning it has been shown to cause congenital heart defects in children. My son was in NICU after he was born and I really don't want to take the risk of putting another child there for multiple surgeries because of an antidepressant. 

I didn't really want our second child right now, but the timing is off by 6 months-1 year. I can't take birth control because they all make me more depressed and that left it up to my husband. We aren't planning on having more children and we are thinking of vasectomy or maybe an IUD after this pregnancy. 

Yes I have equal access and decision making about finances. I completely handle the budget and paying bills on time. He will let me buy things I need and sometimes want, but it doesn't mean he won't make me feel guilty about it. I also tend to feel guilty easily so that's my struggle as well. As far as the car, that is about frugality and not doubling the miles added to the car, not about really being able to afford doing it. 

I did not know that the dishwasher saves money on water. That would be good to look up and show to him. I usually use it anyway, as well as the A.C. when he isn't home. He knows and he doesn't argue with me, just says it costs money and again, I feel guilty. 

I agree completely that water is better. We have a travel bidet for him and have considered installing a spray hose. We are just unsure of installing it in an apartment. For me, its just hard to adjust to something new after a lifelong habit of using tp. I do prefer water for cleanliness, and that is what our son will grow up using. 

As far as crying, I agree that its immature and I could learn to stop doing that. I have a lot of immature behaviors that I know I should get rid of but matching what I do with what I know I should do has been a struggle for me. I often react too fast to situations and get anxious easily. I grew up with an extremely anxious single parent and only recently realized what I've learned to do is from anxiety and is wrong. Part of the crying now is due to pregnancy, I cry more easily when I'm pregnant. Also, my husband doesn't come to me as you described, mentioning his fears. He expresses himself in a passive-aggressive way, where I often don't grasp what he is really trying to talk about. The way he approaches me is that he is only concerned about me and thinks its good for me to work and then it seems like he is ignoring my opinions and what I know about myself. The conversations would be different if he came straight out and said he feels burdened and thinks me working would help him. Honestly I'm a little slow at figuring out his real motivation for talking and I've asked him to try to say it more directly. 

The job I would get right now to help out would be a minimum wage job that would not bring money home after daycare and would leave us in the negative. He knows that's the job I would get right now and that is what he is asking me to get after the baby is born. Some of the reason it bothers me is because this is likely our last child. Breastfeeding couldn't happen with our son, maybe because of being in NICU and getting bottles but we spent money on special equipment and it just didn't work. I am looking forward to trying to breastfeed our second child, but working a minimum wage job gets in the way of that. He knows how important it is to me to be able to breastfeed our last child.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> No, a person should never get up and walk away when their spouse brings up a concern. You talk about it. And you do not cry. Crying is a way to get an advantage, to shut down the discussion.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I appreciate all of your advice. The one thing about crying though, I've heard that said before but I just don't get that. I don't choose to cry and use it as an advantage in some way. It leaves me feeling like crap and I wish I wouldn't cry. It's a response I have mostly when I feel I'm not being heard and get upset. Maybe its immaturity but I didn't usually cry a lot when I was younger. Neither my husband nor I have ever had a relationship besides each other so perhaps its from inexperience. He used to cry a lot in the beginning of our relationship until he said he decided to stop feeling so emotionally dependent. I guess I haven't been able to figure out how to do the same. Should I just do it in private?

He does have issues with structure. I will look into getting a copy of that book. Thanks for mentioning it. 

I think a lot of what he says probably is fear-based and from having to be responsible as head of a family. He seemed to not know that he doesn't like responsibility or everything that being married really entailed. (I didn't really either). We are both growing and trying to be understanding but its definitely a lot to deal with in just 4 years. The immigration process alone caused a huge stress on us, made us both depressed, and we didn't know if he would ever be able to live here. If anyone knows about the h*ll of Administrative Processing, you know what I'm talking about. He has panic attacks about being deported back to his depressing home country, and I try to assure him of how extremely unlikely it would be for him to get sent back. I probably could do better at helping him handle his fears. I just don't know what to say sometimes.


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