# first time posting...need advice



## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Ive been married for 17 years. Me and my wife have two kids together, 16 & 8. My wife left me on August 20th. My wife admitted to me that she had an affair on me and told me it was mostly emotionally, however, it was physical twice. After calming down when the wife told me this I done alot of soul searching. I admitted to my wife that I had made some mistakes in our marriage and now Im willing to work on them. I told her that I have always loved her but I felt that we had just got into a rut. I mentioned to her we didnt have it in the bedroom and I felt like that problem spilled out into other things. I told her this could be easily fixed and that I was still attracted to her. Our problem was we didnt have any "us" time together. I told her this could be fixed with "date nights" together. We didnt have alot of sex in our marriage and she said we didnt show affection for each other, which I agreed with. She only says " I tried for 17 years and now Im done". It seems no matter what I do or say I always just get this answer She lived with her mother until she found a place last week. We are splitting the 8 year old, however, the 16 year old will not even speak with my wife or have nothing to do with her. He knows about the affair and feels like she just abandonded him. I know this story is vague and if anyone has any questions please ask and I will answer. I dont know what to do. I still love her Ive tried parts of the 180 but its hard not to have any contact with her when you have kids. Ive even thought about filing for a divorce(which I dont want) to see if I can get her to come to her senses. Ive been reading this forum since the 21st and have seen some situations similar to mine but not exactly the same. Does anyone have any advice or suggestions? At this point I'm willing to listen to anything..


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I would suggest counseling, for you and both your kids. Then you need to ask yourself why do you want to be with someone who has made it clear they do not want to be with you?


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

My 16 year old refuses to go to counseling. Says he knows how he feels and dont need it. I guess Im just thinking that my wife is having a mid life crisis or something and maybe she will wake up. I know we can make this marriage work if some changes are made. I dont want to divorce knowing this marriage could have been worked out. If I was mean to her physically or had a substance abuse problem I could see her point but that isnt the case.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's what 16 year olds say, but it's not true.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Its good your 16 yr old knows how he feels. BUT a good counselor is going to help him learn how to deal with those feelings. If he doesn't know what to do with the feelings he may get into situations that are not good as a way to deal/cope.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Yeah I agree with that. Im a police officer and Ive seen it many times. Im really worried about that although he is a great kid and straight A student.. What do you think I should do about the wife? Any suggestions?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

lostinva said:


> Yeah I agree with that. Im a police officer and Ive seen it many times. Im really worried about that although he is a great kid and straight A student.. What do you think I should do about the wife? Any suggestions?


I think right now, you need to worry about you and the kids. Regardless of what she may or may not be going through, you can't put your life on hold forever, for someone who may or may not have a change of heart. Go about your business as usual and enjoy your life with your kids. If she were to change her mind later on and its not to late for you and you haven't moved on, fine, then go from there.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

I understand what you are saying. What kind of contact should I have with her? Do I still try to talk to her about us?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She's most likely with the other man (OM) right now.

Even if she comes back to you now, would you share her or be in an open marriage?

Can you ever believe your wife to be faithful and trustworthy again? Her having affair(s) is 100% not your fault. She had many other options to pursue, with divorce the ultimate choice. Instead she chose the most unfaithful, untrustworthy path.

Read up on the 180 (to help you cope), manning up, and letting her go.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

She says she is not with OM now. He lives 1.5 hours away but they work for the same company, but in different cities. Honestly, she has lied to me so much, I dont know what to believe. I'm really considering writing her company a letter telling them about the affair. Im doing this not to try to win her back but the more I think about it the more it MAY make me feel better. Honestly I would love to think the letter would make the OM squirm a little bit.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

We all could do better in our marriages. The thing is it sounds like you are very quick to take responsibility. You have been married 17 years. She owns her affair. For me a PA is a deal breaker. But so is a serious EA. Is her affair truly over? Is she in total NC? Keep in mind she will rewrite history and blame you for her affair. Do not allow this. No doubt you both are responsible for the state of your marriage. But there is no excuse for the affair. 

A bad example for the 16 year old boy would be to see his father being a doormat. That will impact his future relationships. So how you handle this with your wife will be more important than all the conseling in the would he might receive. He may very well benefit from the couseling. But it depends on the counselor. At 16 a young man is preparing to move on with his own life in a couple of years. He needs to see a strong father. Not a mean man but a man who will not sweep this under the rug and enable the affair. He needs to see that this is unacceptable to you. It is critical for his well being. The example you set is his road map for many years to come. It of course is important for both your kids. Do not rug sweep here.

She has left to be with the OM. DO NOT BEG HER TO COME BACK. She said she is done. She is in a fog but it sounds like she is done.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lostinva said:


> She says she is not with OM now. He lives 1.5 hours away but they work for the same company, but in different cities. Honestly, she has lied to me so much, I dont know what to believe. I'm really considering writing her company a letter telling them about the affair. Im doing this not to try to win her back but the more I think about it the more it MAY make me feel better. Honestly I would love to think the letter would make the OM squirm a little bit.


People in affairs lie contantly. 1.5 hours way is nothing. 45 minutes to the halfway point. One can spend weekends together at the least. If they are in the same company they can likely transfer.

I would be all for outing them to their company if you caught this at the the early stages of the affair. This sounds like you had no idea this was going on. She has already physically left you and is moving on with her life. Personally I would have no problem with a scorched earth policy with the OM. Others disagree. Good for them. However, your focus should be right now on getting your act together for your sake and the children.

Get a lawyer ASAP. Do not accept being separated and funding her life style.

But whether she left you for the OM or not she has left the marriage. She is now free to pursue other men if she wishes. Do beleive what she has told you. It is likely way more than that.

Take care of the 16 year old. Show him a strong man who does not accept this and who is moving on with his life. Get through the divorce. Get your life together and find someone else to love. Learn from this and do better in your next relationship.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lostinva said:


> I understand what you are saying. What kind of contact should I have with her? Do I still try to talk to her about us?


Let your lawyer do most of the talking for you. You need to have visitation with your eight year old. You are still her father so you will care about the parenting aspects.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

If we end up divorcing we have decided not to use attorneys. A divorce settlement has already been signed by both of us and it has been notorized. This was done because of financial reasons. We had to split up the bills because neither of us could afford to live without the others paychecks. Thats some great advice you gave me Entropy and I appreciate it. Im about 80 % sure she isnt seeing him anymore because she has our son most nights and of course I have driven by her home when she dont. His vehcile is never at her workplace either. Only thing I dont know about is the texts/phone calls..


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Sorry to hear your situation. Everyone is different. For me, I tried to hard to reconnect to fast. Then did the 180 (kind of helped, but not much). Finally had enough and went straight to the Let them Go. Only on second day of her knowing that I am serious (she got the cert letter in the mail). Not sure where it is going to end up, but do know that I am commited to divorce if she doesn't come out of fog. So I guess it is how much can you withstand before you can't take anymore?


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Yeah hardtime Im at that point now. It helps just knowing that someone else is going through the same thing as me. Your wife and mine seem to be acting excactly the same. Ive been thinking about it all day and I believe Im going to go ahead and file tommorow. As some one said" At this point what am I really losing" Ill keep you updated..


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Just be ready for "I am sorry" talk. You have to be willing to follow through with the divorce. Someone told me, "She ledt the marriage awhile ago. Why do you want to stay if she is not willing to put the work into it also." Sorry to hear, but stay strong. Keep ready threads on here. Alot of good advice. I have even been reading alot and have learned alot about relationships in general.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

I filed for divorce this morning. I was going to tell her but then I said "**** it, she don't deserve to know". Pulled some strings with the Sheriffs Dept to try to get her served today. I wish I could see her face when they walk in her place of work and serve her because I know she has been bragging to her coworkers how much happier she is. Either she is going to come out of her fog or we are going to go through with the divorce. If the divorce papers dont affect her than the divorce was going to happen anyway and I'm prepared to move on..


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Seemed to knock a little of the fog from myWW. But just had an extensive text fight. Hopefully it works out the way you want it to. I tell myself, I choose this path, and if I want to stray from it, then that is my decision. Don't let her make you stray from your path unless you want to.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Papers didnt get served today. I was told they would be served in the morning. Ive had many text fights with the wife in the last 5 weeks and Im sure there are many more to come...starting with tommorow.


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

hang in there. Have a cold one and try to relax.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Not sure why she would be surprised you filed as she had an EA/PA and left you August 20th.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Not sure why she would be surprised you filed as she had an EA/PA and left you August 20th.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Its simple. Shes going to be surprised because all Ive done is kiss her tail for the last 5 weeks. That is over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and yes expose the affair

to her mother if you haven't
to the OM's work (stating he used company time to carry on the affair)
to the OM's wife or girlfriend if it applies


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> and yes expose the affair
> 
> to her mother if you haven't
> to the OM's work (stating he used company time to carry on the affair)
> to the OM's wife or girlfriend if it applies


:iagree:


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lostinva said:


> Papers didnt get served today. I was told they would be served in the morning. Ive had many text fights with the wife in the last 5 weeks and Im sure there are many more to come...starting with tommorow.


Stop the texting.

If she wants to ask an important question, she can call you. If she has no question, then get off the phone, and don't answer right away if she calls.

Instead... be busy. Go workout, take walks, hangout with friends and family. Don't be available.

Don't respond to her calls unless she leaves a message and says it's important, and even then keep things light and short.

And stop trying to anticipate her reaction to being served.

The legal stuff is just business. Don't discuss legal stuff. The lawyers do that discussion of legal stuff.

And "Hey, can I call you back? Some folks just came over" is better than having a nasty argument  Let her wait by the phone for once.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Stop the texting.
> 
> If she wants to ask an important question, she can call you. If she has no question, then get off the phone, and don't answer right away if she calls.
> 
> ...


great advice timeheals and I appreciate it. Turns out the papers were served on her late yesterday after all. This explains why she didnt answer her phone when I called to tell our 8 year old good night last night. Ive been really wanting to contact the OM so I decided to send him the following text: "Just wanted you know that I filed for divorce yesterday". "You can have her and all her problems". "Im sure she told you about our problems during the affair but just remember there are two side to every story". "Good luck and God Bless"


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

lostinva said:


> great advice timeheals and I appreciate it. Turns out the papers were served on her late yesterday after all. This explains why she didnt answer her phone when I called to tell our 8 year old good night last night. Ive been really wanting to contact the OM so I decided to send him the following text: "Just wanted you know that I filed for divorce yesterday". "You can have her and all her problems". "Im sure she told you about our problems during the affair but just remember there are two side to every story". "Good luck and God Bless"


I like the text to OM. Might consider doing myself.
:smthumbup:


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lostinva said:


> great advice timeheals and I appreciate it. Turns out the papers were served on her late yesterday after all. This explains why she didnt answer her phone when I called to tell our 8 year old good night last night. Ive been really wanting to contact the OM so I decided to send him the following text: "Just wanted you know that I filed for divorce yesterday". "You can have her and all her problems". "Im sure she told you about our problems during the affair but just remember there are two side to every story". "Good luck and God Bless"



I wouldn't send him that text. I wouldn't send her any text either. I sure wouldn't try to tell him that there's another side of the story.

Let them wonder about you because you have better things to do, and the sooner this silly divorce business is done the better


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

text has already been sent. Whats funny is, about 5 minutes after I sent it my wife calls. Of course I didnt answer and she didnt leave a voice mail.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lostinva said:


> text has already been sent. Whats funny is, about 5 minutes after I sent it my wife calls. Of course I didnt answer and she didnt leave a voice mail.


What's done is done 

Now, embrace life. It's going to get much better once you disengage from this drama.

Oh, and do me a favor... smile and say "hi" to a pretty woman today.


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

How is it going lostinlva? Any changes?


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

she tried to call me three different times yesterday. I didnt answer any of the calls. One of the calls she left a voice mail stating I need to call her about a dentist bill. She already knew she was responsible for those be ause the kids are on her dental insurance and it was in the divorce agreement. Honestly, its kinda of nice not sitting by the phone in case she calls and constantly trying to think of ways to get her back. She has 17 days left to file an answer to the divorce petition. I think I done the right thing by filing. Now the ball seems to be in my court, so to speak, The clock is ticking.... Anything new on your end hardtime??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

About the same. Her clock is ticking also. Got her cert. mail notice on Sat. and still has not went to pick it up. Had a big fight yesterday. I just tried to remain calm. That really makes them mad when the cant get a rise out of you. She just called me to tell me that her truck needs a new rearend. It is going to cost about $800. I think she was expecting me to say that I would help her pay for it, but I will not. She is going to be angry. Oh well. We can get through this. I am still hoping for R, but am totaly prepared for D. It is my path to change now if I want to. I kind of like the new sense of destiny that I have. My life, my way.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

hardtime said:


> About the same. Her clock is ticking also. Got her cert. mail notice on Sat. and still has not went to pick it up. Had a big fight yesterday. I just tried to remain calm. That really makes them mad when the cant get a rise out of you. She just called me to tell me that her truck needs a new rearend. It is going to cost about $800. I think she was expecting me to say that I would help her pay for it, but I will not. She is going to be angry. Oh well. We can get through this. I am still hoping for R, but am totaly prepared for D. It is my path to change now if I want to. I kind of like the new sense of destiny that I have. My life, my way.[/QUOT
> 
> Only way for R would be for the OM to find a new job. Also wife would have to agree to some sort of counseling. Still though I dont know if I would take a chance. I will not go through this again. I certainly wouldnt give her a dime to fix her truck. She has to know what its like to be without you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

hardtime said:


> She just called me to tell me that her truck needs a new rearend. It is going to cost about $800. I think she was expecting me to say that I would help her pay for it, but I will not. She is going to be angry.


She will get over being angry. Good for you letting her enjoy her freedom.

Maybe OM can fork out 800 bucks for car repairs? 

Don't get baited, don't rescue her, she's a grown up, and she wanted this, so it's time for her to put on her big girl panties and handle things


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## hardtime (Aug 29, 2011)

Only way for R would be for the OM to find a new job. Also wife would have to agree to some sort of counseling. Still though I dont know if I would take a chance. I will not go through this again. I certainly wouldnt give her a dime to fix her truck. She has to know what its like to be without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

I know how you feel about R, am at the same point, but if she shows real remorse and wants to try, I have to for my kids. Don't know if I can, but will have to try. 

As far as her truck, I am getting her payoff info and telling her that she can trade in for a diff one if she wants. I am not going to help pay for or get a new ride for her. Maybe the OM and OMW can help her out on this.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

> As far as her truck, I am getting her payoff info and telling her that she can trade in for a diff one if she wants. I am not going to help pay for or get a new ride for her. Maybe the OM and OMW can help her out on this.


Why? How is she going to know what it is like to live without you if you are always trying to rescue her?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Why? How is she going to know what it is like to live without you if you are always trying to rescue her?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

a little update on my situation: Didnt speak to the wife for 5 days after I filed, until yesterday. She called and I answered. We said some nasty things to each other. She admitted she was still seeing the OM. What she didnt expect though, was me telling her I had been talking to an old friend of mine. I told her I liked her alot and am thinking about seeing her. She said she was happy for me but started texting me questions this morning about the lady Im talking to. I told her I would rather not tell her the ladies name at this point beacuse that is an agreement me and the lady friend have. She said she understood. Me and the wife went on to text back and forth for nearly 2 hours. Lots of things we each thought were wrong in our marriage and we each admitted to our faults. I know this is the best sign Ive had in weeks from my wife. I didnt lie about the other girl to my wife. Problem is I DO like the other girl and want to go out with her now. I ended our text conversation with" this separation has done nothing but train me to see my faults. "I now realize them and now Know I can become a better". boyfriend/husband/lover with the next one"."Ive learned a whole lot about myself" and now I know what needs fixed". She never responded. Im proud of myself for the way I handled this and I do plan on going out with the other girl. Who knows I may get lucky. HARDTIME-have you thought about dating other women?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

lostinva said:


> a little update on my situation: Didnt speak to the wife for 5 days after I filed, until yesterday. She called and I answered. We said some nasty things to each other. She admitted she was still seeing the OM. What she didnt expect though, was me telling her I had been talking to an old friend of mine. I told her I liked her alot and am thinking about seeing her. She said she was happy for me but started texting me questions this morning about the lady Im talking to. I told her I would rather not tell her the ladies name at this point beacuse that is an agreement me and the lady friend have. She said she understood. Me and the wife went on to text back and forth for nearly 2 hours. Lots of things we each thought were wrong in our marriage and we each admitted to our faults. I know this is the best sign Ive had in weeks from my wife. I didnt lie about the other girl to my wife. Problem is I DO like the other girl and want to go out with her now. I ended our text conversation with" this separation has done nothing but train me to see my faults. "I now realize them and now Know I can become a better". boyfriend/husband/lover with the next one"."Ive learned a whole lot about myself" and now I know what needs fixed". She never responded. Im proud of myself for the way I handled this and I do plan on going out with the other girl. Who knows I may get lucky. HARDTIME-have you thought about dating other women?


Hope this doesn't blow up on you in divorce court.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> Hope this doesn't blow up on you in divorce court.


How could it? She admitted to me she is seeing somebody also and she even told me yesterday, when we were arguing, that her and the OM were open about it. We already have a separation agreement signed that deals with the kids, finances, etc...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hardtime said:


> Only way for R would be for the OM to find a new job. Also wife would have to agree to some sort of counseling. Still though I dont know if I would take a chance. I will not go through this again. I certainly wouldnt give her a dime to fix her truck. She has to know what its like to be without you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know how you feel about R, am at the same point, but if she shows real remorse and wants to try, I have to for my kids. Don't know if I can, but will have to try. 

*As far as her truck, I am getting her payoff info and telling her that she can trade in for a diff one if she wants. I am not going to help pay for or get a new ride for her. Maybe the OM and OMW can help her out on this*.[/QUOTE]

Why are you privding this service? Why are you trying to meet her needs? This is not helpful in letting her see what life is without you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lostinva said:


> a little update on my situation: Didnt speak to the wife for 5 days after I filed, until yesterday. She called and I answered. We said some nasty things to each other. She admitted she was still seeing the OM. What she didnt expect though, was me telling her I had been talking to an old friend of mine. I told her I liked her alot and am thinking about seeing her. She said she was happy for me but started texting me questions this morning about the lady Im talking to. I told her I would rather not tell her the ladies name at this point beacuse that is an agreement me and the lady friend have. She said she understood. Me and the wife went on to text back and forth for nearly 2 hours. Lots of things we each thought were wrong in our marriage and we each admitted to our faults. I know this is the best sign Ive had in weeks from my wife. I didnt lie about the other girl to my wife. Problem is I DO like the other girl and want to go out with her now. I ended our text conversation with" this separation has done nothing but train me to see my faults. "I now realize them and now Know I can become a better". boyfriend/husband/lover with the next one"."Ive learned a whole lot about myself" and now I know what needs fixed". She never responded. Im proud of myself for the way I handled this and I do plan on going out with the other girl. Who knows I may get lucky. HARDTIME-have you thought about dating other women?


I think you show just stay dark. This is not working for your best interest. This information can be used against you. Stop meeting her needs by interacting with her.


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## lostinva (Sep 25, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> I think you show just stay dark. This is not working for your best interest. This information can be used against you. Stop meeting her needs by interacting with her.


I see what you are saying. So when she calls/texts I shouldnt answer? Wonder if its communication about the kids?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Enless you have a family or friend that is willing to be the go between with regards to the kids then yes answer the text, but keep the convo strickly kid related.
Do not tell her anything else, and if she wants to talk and bring up other topics, even the marriage simple tell her " until you end all contact with OM and want to recommit to the marriage I have nothing to say" or if you have moved on then just tell her, with out any other discussion.
This crap is tough so keep your eye on the prize and stay very focused and indifferent when you do have to talk about the kids.


As far as the chick your seeing, keep in mind you are not at your best and what this women is seeing in you is not the real you, you can be better so even though I'm all for having a good time just keep it simple and stay away from a serious relationship until your in a better place and a women can see you as you realy are not what your STBXW has made you at this particular time in your life.
Make sence?


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