# Husband writes to prison women, Online dating sites



## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

This bothers me... a lot.. I have expressed this to my husband and never get an answer. I try not to prod... really try not to.. but he simply leaves me without an answer. 

We have had our issues, me especially, this particular matter though seems to always bring us to the counselors table. We have since solved our differences pertaining to my job, and I have been assured that it is not the cause of his distress. Still, I am making more of an effort to go home more often, even though I will make less money. 

Anyway, to the task at hand. 

About two years ago, maybe last year, my husband began writing prisoners for pen pals. He asked me if I was ok with it and I said yes, because I thought he would approach it in a friendly manner. However, after a while he was very secretive of his letters and began getting paranoid about writing them with me in the room. He refused to share or discuss anything about his new "friends" and I let enough alone thinking, everyone deserves their privacy. 

When his paranoia turned into suggestion I began to get even more supsicious. One day out of the blue he asked me if I was cheating on him. I was suprised as I had never given him any reason to question my loyalty to him. I responded in kind, and assured him I was not cheating on him nor had I been. He let the matter go. 

He began storing his letters in "secret" places, whenever he left the house he would return and ask me if I had been "snooping" for the letters. Paranoid that I would find them. 

His behavior made me worried, I got nervous that these letters were more than pen pal letters. I let my own paranoid thoughts get the better of me, I didn't want to be that girl who was too stupid to realize she was being cheated on or did not know what was going on in her own house. 

So I broke marital promise and read the letters. I in no way claim that this was alright to do for anyone, it was an invasion of his privacy. It was wrong and I knew it was wrong when I did it and have openly admitted it to our couselor at the time. 

However, what I read in the letters made me cry so hard, I felt so betrayed. The women he had been writing, were expressing their love to him, talking about how things would be when they met, and made no mention of a wife at all. It was like I didn't exist. They knew about his daughter because they made claims to be good mothers and they would make him happy. 

I put the letters back where I had found them and kept what I had learned to myself. It was not a fair judgment on my part because I had no idea what he had written them, so I couldn't confront him about it because I didn't know his side of the story. 

Because sometimes we're all a little stupid, I began asking him questions, innocent questions, ones he refused to answer with "You don't need to worry about that" or "Its none of your business" I mentioned to him, "It bothers me when you don't acknowledge to friends that you have a wife" from this a received quite the screaming match about how he was proud to call me his wife, all in all his defense was a little overboard. It was too much for such a small comment. 

When we finally did go to counseling after he wanted to break off our marriage, and decided he would just toss my things on the street for me to pick up, to which he apologized for immensely but it was the reason we went to counseling. 

I admitted to my husband and the counselor that I had read the letters. My husband was extremely upset and he was warranted to be upset, no doubt, however, when I asked him why he would keep letters of such a nature he refused to answer and continued to speak about my betrayal and invasion of privacy and about how he would never trust me with anything ever again. The counselor asked him as well, he would not answer. To this day he will not answer. Now, just moments ago, I was looking back on our old POF (plenty of fish) member sites, how young we were when we met, how adorable he was, and noticed that his membership still says "No Commitment" whereas mine says "In a commitment". 

I do not understand why he is so hesitant to admit that he has a wife... am I just paranoid about this? Is this a normal thing for guys? Maybe it isn't even a big deal and I am just making it into one.. please keep in mind this whole process from start to finish lasted over six months... 

I would really like to hear all your thoughts on the matter...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is the one in the wrong. 

As he is potentially putting the lives of you and your daughter at risk by corresponding with people who could be highly dangerous criminals then the truth is you have EVERY right to read those letters and to monitor his activities.

By the way in my opinion he IS cheating on you and your thread should be in the Coping With Infidelity section of TAM as you will get specialist help there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omg honey your husband is a jackar$e! His silence when you ask him for an answer IS your answer.

File for divorce.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

My answer is based on what i would do if in your shoes.

Leave him. He has no consideration for you or your child together as a family, nor is he a normal functioning adult. I have not read any past posts by you but based on this one thread alone he sounds like an immature selfish secretive paranoid LOSER. Why the heck would you want to stay with him???


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Leave him high and dry as that's exactly what he wants! He has absolutely no allegiance to you, and you should certainly have none toward him for what he is busy doing behind your back!

Just saying!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

toomuchlove87 said:


> About two years ago, maybe last year, my husband began writing prisoners for pen pals. He asked me if I was ok with it and I said yes, because I thought he would approach it in a friendly manner. *You were absolutely wrong to have agreed to this. In no circumstance would this ever be ok for a married man to do.
> *
> 
> So I broke marital promise and read the letters. I in no way claim that this was alright to do for anyone, it was an invasion of his privacy. It was wrong and I knew it was wrong when I did it and have openly admitted it to our couselor at the time. *No, you were not wrong to do this, and I hope your counselor told you as much! You were RIGHT to do it and don't let anyone manipulate you into thinking differently.*
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you afraid of your husband?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Toomuchlove,

Ouch, this reminds me of my W's female friend, she bonded with a number of male prisoners apparently while doing charity work. 

There must be some really powerful draw to a bad boy who can be kept at a safe distance, it was shocking to see this woman who is as unfashionable and dowdy as they come, in really high heels, stockings and makeup going to visit them. She is now on the verge of divorce.

Tamat


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Toomuchlove,
> 
> Ouch, this reminds me of my W's female friend, she bonded with a number of male prisoners apparently while doing charity work.
> 
> ...


Yeah, it's amazing what kind of picture the imagination can paint.. Like photoshopping all the cellulite off to paint a picture of "perfection."

The reality is not so fab.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

You husband is engaging in extremely dangerous, and frankly, stupid behavior.

My daughter is a corrections officer, and she can tell you that these prisoners will say anything they think a man will want to hear if it will get them something.

Not only that, they have connections on the outside that are up to no good too.

You have every right to read those letters, and if he insists on placing his family at risk, to toss him out to the curb.

What a moron....


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You didn't break any vows, he broke vows.
You never should have allowed any plan of his that started with the concept of writing letters to female prisoners.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Your husband sounds pretty creepy to me.

There is no secrecy in a marriage, and privacy is reserved for the bathroom alone.

Toss this one back. I'm sure some ex-con will have a field day with him.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your first mistake was saying you were OK with him corresponding with criminals.

WTF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Satya,

BTW, when one of the guys got out of prision my W’s friend didn’t bother with him one bit it was like throwing a switch. 

I can’t imagine how her H felt about it especially considering she took her kids to see him in the slammer. 

Tamat


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you can get the letters again, I suggest that you get photo copies of them and the envelopes. This is so that you not only have the words the women wrote, but that you have their names, addresses, inmate numbers, etc. Find out what they were convicted of. Why?

Because inmates often find vulnerable people through their pen pals. They will end up asking these people (like your husband) for things, to run errands, to give them money to put on their books, to pay off people on the outside.

If these women are writing him, they are also most likely calling him. I can be in the phone calls where they do more of the asking for money and favors.

Some prisons now also have email available. So messages can be transmitted that way as well.

Find out if your husband has an account with one of the companies handle inmate phone calls. Secures is one of them. What happens is that the person on the outside puts money on the account. Then the person on the inside can call them collect. Depending on how the prison sets up their phone service, it can run from $.95 for 15 minutes to amounts like $20 or so for 15 minutes.

I know about this because I know a young lady who got caught up with an inmate.

He called her constantly demanding money... he would tell her things like if he did get $500 right away, some bullies were going to beat him up and he would probably be killed.

She was 20 and not very worldly. She ended up giving him all of her financial aid that semester. She was so afraid that he would be beaten and killed.

He also told her to take money to people locally because he said he was paying his mother's bills... he'd give her an address. It turned out that he was having drugs smuggled into prison.. he sold them to the other inmates and used them himself too. But she was the one paying for the drugs on the outside. So she was unwittingly involved in the drug trafficking.

How did this inmate get her to do these things? He wrote her wonderful love letters. He was good looking and good with words. 

When we were finally able to convince her that she was being used, she refused to give him money. Then changed his tone.. she's better do it or she would beaten or worse.

She almost went to prison for paying his drug dealers.

You should have never agreed to him having prison pen pals. My bet is that you are naïve about this. Sure he could end up with some pen pal who is basically a nice person who no intent to use him. But it's not likely because generally people who are in prison are there for a reason. And, they are desperate to get things that they cannot get themselves. So they will use anyone who they can hoodwink. 

There is no telling how deep your husband is with these women. 

Check to see if there is money going missing. Check for phone calls from 800 (866, etc) on a regular basis. These calls could be the collect calls from prison.

You have every right to snoop, read the letters, etc. Why? Because he has put you and your daughter in danger. You need to find out the extent of what's going on so that you can protect yourself and your daughter.


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

I am not afraid of my husband. I keep forgetting that when I write these posts the people commenting have not read my past posts... my husband has recently become disabled, just shortly after we went to counseling for this problem I posted about. He is unable to use his left leg and cannot feel anything in it, he is unable to urinate or defecate on his own, and is unable to engage in sexual intercourse. 

I believe these reasons, concern me the most, as he can no longer gain anything sexually from women, I am confused as to why he still puts on a face to the "internet" world that he is single. Though the letters and my reading them occurred before he was disabled, I sometimes do not understand my husbands thinking. 

The accident was an involuntary one, his car was blown off the road by high wind gusts and it crashed into a tree. When I arrived at the hospital and I saw him he acted really cool about the whole thing even though I was freaking my brain out. He was not comforting when I hugged him, and I figured he was just traumatized.. he almost died, ya know. Later on he was much more loving. 

My husband is.... odd.. and sometimes an ass.. no doubt... and his behavior is far from weird sometimes. I just simply do not understand what is behind a man's thinking when he does something like this. Obviously it is something he is uncomfortable talking about, or ashamed about... perhaps its his way of living outside his house I do not know. I was hoping someone out there would have any ideas about why this is happening and what he gets from it. 

I would never leave my husband unless he tried to hurt me, or asked me to leave. I have come to the decision that I will not be the one to end our relationship. It will be his responsibility if and when he decides he does not love me anymore. Hopefully you all can understand that. 

Also please understand I am young, only 27, so my experience with relationships is limited. My husband is the first man I ever slept with, so I have a deeper bond with him than with anyone else. Please ask me any questions you like, I will answer honestly and truthfully.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> I would never leave my husband unless he tried to hurt me, or asked me to leave. I have come to the decision that I will not be the one to end our relationship. It will be his responsibility if and when he decides he does not love me anymore. Hopefully you all can understand that.


His actions aren't hurting you? Then why are you here??

Stating that one will never end a bad relationship is childish. And codependent thinking. I hope you re-think this position.

PS. I've never heard of a gust of wind blowing a car off the road and head-on into a tree. Tornado? sure. Hurricane? maybe. Gust of wind? ....


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## Pkwanderer (Aug 3, 2014)

Run & don't look back. No matter how much the pain. It's not worth it. You are just wasting time and risking your life. Your husband is an idiot and will get what he's seeking ie pain & sorrow. You need to make a rational decision. Talking or communicating with offenders will eventually put you at risk as your husband's idiotic behaviour will come back to bite him back in his ass. Get a Divorce ASAP.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Though the letters and my reading them occurred before he was disabled, I sometimes do not understand my husbands thinking.
> 
> 
> My husband is.... odd.. and sometimes an ass.. no doubt... and his behavior is far from weird sometimes. I just simply do not understand what is behind a man's thinking when he does something like this. Obviously it is something he is uncomfortable talking about, or ashamed about... perhaps its his way of living outside his house I do not know. I was hoping someone out there would have any ideas about why this is happening and what he gets from it.


Why does it matter WHY he's doing it? If you get a good enough reason, is that going to make it OK in your eyes?


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

We live out in the desert and that day we were getting 60-mile gusts... the wind was so bad it knocked a semi off the road too. I say that I would not be the one to end our relationship because I am still working on it, of course if I was really unhappy and I felt the relationship was going nowhere I would end it. By hurt, I meant physically, that is why I said he is odd. He's an army guy, he's odd, his emotions are not openly accessible. 

When I wrote my post, I was hoping to get some advice from people on how else I could approach it, or whether or not I was just making a big deal out of nothing, also, ways I can talk to him about it without him feeling embarrassed or whatever he is that he won't give me a solid answer. 

Where we live in Oregon in the Central part, it is quite common to get high wind gusts... my husband was driving up the mountain on his way to town and when he got to the top of the hill the wind pushed his little Vue off the rode and it just so happened to hit a tree. (the darn tree should have moved). JK


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

Depending on the reason, yes. I live by the standard that everyone makes mistakes, we all do, and I am trying to forgive my husband for this one. I am simply trying to understand whether this is something I should pursue, or if there are ways I can talk to him about it without making him embarrassed. 

My point to all this is that I don't know what he wrote, simply what they wrote. I cannot condemn him for writing "love letters" if I don't know for sure that's what they are. I simply suspect that in the letters he neglected to tell them he had a wife. On the internet I can see he is listed as "single". 

I simply do not understand... I love my husband.. and my husband has been cheated on many times in his previous relationships. Not by me. I also know my husband has no sense when it comes to talking to other women. He flirts and doesn't know that he is... his nice comes off as flirty. What husband do you know that flirts with another woman right in front of his wife? I don't know any, as the result would ultimately be death. : )


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

toomuchlove87 said:


> Depending on the reason, yes. I live by the standard that everyone makes mistakes, we all do, and I am trying to forgive my husband for this one. I am simply trying to understand whether this is something I should pursue, or if there are ways I can talk to him about it without making him embarrassed.
> 
> My point to all this is that I don't know what he wrote, simply what they wrote. I cannot condemn him for writing "love letters" if I don't know for sure that's what they are. I simply suspect that in the letters he neglected to tell them he had a wife. On the internet I can see he is listed as "single".
> 
> I simply do not understand... I love my husband.. and my husband has been cheated on many times in his previous relationships. Not by me. I also know my husband has no sense when it comes to talking to other women. He flirts and doesn't know that he is... his nice comes off as flirty. What husband do you know that flirts with another woman right in front of his wife? I don't know any, as the result would ultimately be death. : )


You are either in deep denial or incredibly naive. Or both. 

Buck up little camper and don't be afraid to embarrass this man. He's embarrassing YOU after all! Of COURSE he's writing similar things to the women that they are writing to him! You don't honestly think he's sending them Aunt Sally's potato salad recipe, do you?


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## toomuchlove87 (Jan 10, 2012)

I don't know that for sure... how could I? I have never read a single letter he sent, I only know what two of the women wrote. I don't do the whole scorched earth thing. I won't operate on the idea that he wrote "love letters" until I have proof. It is why I am trying to talk to him about it, so he can understand why it makes me uncomfortable and why it is something married couples do not do. 

I am neither naive or in denial, I am simply not quick to judge. Heck, its been months since this happened and I am just now trying to put the pieces together. I don't condemn someone until I have all the facts, much like I do when I am deciding which phone to buy. I do my research, I collect evidence, and then once all my collecting is done I come to a conclusion. 

It just do happens I have run out of ways to collect evidence, so I am left with the confrontal method. My love for my husband is very deep, not dependant, deep, I want to understand in what way he needs to write these letters and what I can do as his wife to fulfill what I suspect is a fantasy. 

His reluctance to share anything at all makes this process difficult. That is why I asked about the topic and in what other way I can ask him about it. I am a three chances kind of girl, well two when it comes to cheating. And cheating physically must take place... which has not happened.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

toomuchlove87 said:


> I don't know that for sure... how could I? I have never read a single letter he sent, I only know what two of the women wrote. I don't do the whole scorched earth thing. I won't operate on the idea that he wrote "love letters" until I have proof. It is why I am trying to talk to him about it, so he can understand why it makes me uncomfortable and why it is something married couples do not do.
> 
> I am neither naive or in denial, I am simply not quick to judge. Heck, its been months since this happened and I am just now trying to put the pieces together. I don't condemn someone until I have all the facts, much like I do when I am deciding which phone to buy. I do my research, I collect evidence, and then once all my collecting is done I come to a conclusion.
> 
> ...


If he is not honest and open with you, you will never have the truth unless you stumble upon it. You may be a 3 chances girl, but with your method the 3rd chance doesn't have to surface any time soon. When you discover the 3rd in your 60s after you've spent your whole life showing your deep love for an unworthy man, you'll be shocked, resentful, and unless you're resilient, you'll become a bitter woman disillusioned to that thing you call deep love. 

If you get the truth NOW, you know what you're dealing with, and can decide what you want to do. If you want to practice deep love after knowing the letter content, that's your decision.

Confrontation does not mean you don't love him, it just means you also love yourself, too. And you love the relationship... The mystical 3rd entity here that is hurting the most. That is temperance.

You will find for many here, emotional cheating can be worse than physical. Perhaps not for you, but I suspect if you saw his words, and if they are romantic or sexual in nature, your heart will cave. He'd probably use the same pet names, phrases, jokes, etc., as he uses with you. They cease to be special. But maybe not. 

The time he invests in writing is not spent on you - another hallmark of an EA. He loses the bond with you and replaces it with the "idea" of another, because it is new, forbidden, and exciting because he can get away with it and you will do nothing about it. It releases feel good drugs into his body and he's further drawn to writing. When was the last time he pursued something with such passion and intensity for you?


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