# Is my marriage worth saving?



## Ougaouga (Apr 1, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have two children ages 8 and 4. We dated for three years before we got married (so we've been together for 15 years) and during that time my husband met a woman at a bar and went home with her and they slept together. He never told me about it, I found out from a friend of his, and when I confronted him he cried and begged and said he loved me more than anything and couldn't live without me. I believed him and he seemed remorseful, so I stayed with him and we got married. We had a happy marriage and have always been on the same page about everything - when we would have kids, how many we wanted to have, what we wanted to achieve with our careers, what kind of house we wanted to buy, how we would budget our money, ect - and working very well in sync together we have accomplished everything just like we set out to. We are very secure financially and we work together great as parents, our children have a very happy home life. We are very affectionate with each other and have a great sex life. However, my husband consistently tries to hook up with other women behind my back and it always feels like it just comes out of no where.

In 2008 when we had been married for 4 years and I was pregnant with our first child, I went to visit family out of state for a week. When I came home I went to send an email to a friend on our home computer and when I went to Yahoo mail it was logged into his account and there were emails back and forth with a woman where he was trying to convince her to come over to our house and have sex with him while I was away. She declined and seemed insulted, so I don't think he actually cheated on me, but he was ready, willing, and trying. When I confronted him about it he got defensive and pretty much just played the victim. He never apologized, only yelled at me to stop asking him about it. I felt hurt, betrayed, and like I didn't even know him. We were so happy, what was the deal? I felt trapped as I was seven months pregnant about to become a first time mom and raising a baby by myself was really terrifying so I stayed but it took me over two years to get back to a good place where I could finally be happy again and not obsess over it anymore. He was a great dad and I guess having our daughter made him realize the importance of our family because he finally apologized and swore he would never do anything to jeopardize his family. He became extremely caring and thoughtful and I began to relax and believed him. 

in 2011 we decided to have our second child and I became pregnant (planned pregnancy). When I was eight months pregnant his father and my mother both passed away within two weeks of each other. It was a very hard time for me, I was very close to my mom, but my husband didn't seem fazed at all by his father's death, which was strange to me. The night before his father's funeral I opened our laptop to surf the web and his FB was open on the screen to a message from a woman, and the message was discussing when and where they could meet to have sex and the woman asked him to send him a picture of his penis so she could "See what she would be working with" and his response was "I will in a little while, I've got wifey in front of me right now" so he was chatting with this woman right in front of me while I was eight months pregnant with his child. Once again he was defensive and played the victim and wanted me to just accept a half hearted apology and turn the other cheek, so I got through both funerals and the baby's birth and then kicked him out of the house. After we had been living apart for a month he came back and was remorseful, crying that he couldn't lose his family and he had learned his lesson and would never ever in a million years do anything like that again. The pain just wasn't worth it he claimed and his exact words were that he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me. I let him come back with the stipulation that we go to marriage counseling, which we did for the better part of a year and he actively participated and did all the exercises she gave us, finally started to admit that his behavior was wrong and that he did it because he enjoyed the way it felt when he got attention from other women and he had let it cross the line. We set boundaries of what is and isn't appropriate behavior and he agreed that if it is something that he wouldn't feel comfortable with his wife seeing then he wouldn't do it and there would be no secrets and I could check his phone and emails whenever and had full access to everything. He once again became a great husband and father, I relaxed and really believed we had worked through all the issues and honestly became happier than I had ever been and he constantly told me how much me and the kids meant to him and how happy he was. I began to trust him again after a couple of years and stopped checking his phone and emails.

Two days ago I checked his phone because I noticed that he had been keeping it close to him and acting strangely about it. I discovered a text message from an unassigned number that took place a month ago when me and the kids were out of town visiting family. The messages were him asking if he can come over because his family was out of town and he wanted to take advantage and her response was that he was out of luck because she had started her period. I was devastated. It's obvious he has been having a relationship with this woman behind my back, but of course he swears that he hasn't, just flirty texts that went too far. And now he is remorseful and crying and begging and when I told him that I had no more effort left to put into this marriage and i am ready to get a divorce he started saying that he wants us to start going to Church and back to marriage counseling and that he admits he has a problem and is going to start going to individual counseling as well to work on himself so he can get better. I believe that he loves his family and is truly terrified and devastated to lose us but I don't know if it is worth it for me to once again put in years of effort to rebuild just to end up right back here in a few years. Should I even bother or cut my losses and move on with my life? Divorce no longer scares me and I feel perfectly capable of being on my own. It will be a pain financially as we own several houses and properties together, but I can get through it. The biggest issue is the kids, they are soooooo happy and would be both devastated and completely shocked if we split up. They see us as a very happy family, which we always have been, and a split would hit them out of no where. I honestly believe my daughter would be scarred for life by it. They are both very close to their dad and he is a fantastic father and a great husband to outwardly appearances, so they would have no clue where this was coming from. So do I stick around and try one last time to make it work for the kids, or do I walk away from this marriage for good and deal with the fallout? It's just so strange to me, he is willing to put in a lot of work on the marriage but doesn't change his behavior. Is he just incapable of monogamy? He makes lots of promises but they are meaningless to me at this point, he is like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a loving, caring, kind, affectionate husband and father and a deceitful, lying, cheating husband at the same time. I believe him when he says he loves me, I know he does and I love him, but I don't know if counseling can fix the broken trust this time. What should I do? I don't want to make a split decision because of the kids so I am trying to do some soul searching. Is it possible for a marriage to come back from this and for someone with a problem like this to actually become committed and faithful? Does he have an addiction that counseling can help him work through, or if I stay am I doomed to be facing this behavior forever? I'm just at such a crossroads and don't know what to do!


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't see any reason to believe that he is going to change. Yes, it will be hard on your children to divorce, but letting them see him mistreat you isn't good for them either, not to mention the cost to your sanity and health.

I think you need to get rid of him as soon as possible.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Think about what happens when they grow up and your daughter finds out the truth. And that her mom made the decision to stay with him. Would you want her to do that? He sounds like he is really broken and it's a shame to see people like that. It doesn't mean you should waste the rest of your life putting up with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What's the point?


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

Ougaouga said:


> My husband and I...
> I believe him when he says he loves me, I know he does and I love him, but I don't know if counseling can fix the broken trust this time. What should I do? I don't want to make a split decision because of the kids so I am trying to do some soul searching. Is it possible for a marriage to come back from this and for someone with a problem like this to actually become committed and faithful? Does he have an addiction that counseling can help him work through, or if I stay am I doomed to be facing this behavior forever? I'm just at such a crossroads and don't know what to do!


He doesn't love you so much as he loves _the idea_ of you. It is blatantly obvious that he does not respect you or your marriage. He is acting childish, like a kid in a candy store with an American Express card.

Yes, he has an addiction. He is a hedonist. Counseling may be beneficial but he has to commit TOTALLY to the salvaging of the marriage... So far his immature behavior tells me that isn't going to happen. He hasn't reached rock bottom yet.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't have a marriage, at least in the traditional sense, nor the type of marriage you clearly want.

He is a serial cheater, and has not experienced any true consequences for his actions. 

He has earned a divorce; give him his due.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

I agree with the other posters. Your husband hasn't made any real effort to change himself...he just goes along with counseling, etc for appearances. He has to face consequences or he will never change. Obviously he has a great need to seek attention from other women...you describe a pretty good marriage, sex etc and DESPITE this he continues to seek out other women behind your back. Enough is enough. MAYBE if you divorce him he will see the need to change. Right now he is going to continue playing games with you.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I don't know whether staying for the kids would be worth while or not. Chances are he's not going to change his behavior and expect to be forgiven each time he's caught. If the kids found out one day what went on when they are older, they might end up being upset with you for staying. Doesn't seem to be any other reason to stay.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Keep in mind these are the only instances you caught him. Is he normally that careless that he can't do ANYTHING right? Didn't think so.

Have him take a poly and ask him about all of the others you don't know about.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a no brainer, seriously. Divorce his cheating ass. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to. He will never, ever change. Dont be a sucker. 

Your situation is my worst nightmare....having a close, happy marriage yet the husband cheats anyway.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him "Good. I'm glad you're going back to therapy. Check back in with me in a couple years and let me know how it's going."


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The past, seems to be an excellent predictor of the future-----your H, does a very nice con job on you, eventually you relax, as I am sure you don't wanna act as a prison guard the rest of your life----your H., figures he can again, get away with straying---and he has another fling

You are enabling him----time to move on----do you realize there are millions of men out there, and a good % of them are decent, caring and will love you, and not wander on you.

In all reality, what you know is very possibly the tip of an iceberg----your H., probably has cheated on you, many more times than you even know about-----it really is time to move on, and make sure you get the proper amount of child support, and alimony

Should you, for some strange reason stay, and be willing to be cheated on again----at least get a strong POST-NUP, before agreeing to stick around----I will tell you this in all seriousness-----your H's cheating, cannot be good for your kids, they are gonna, if not already, get caught up in this, and they are gonna be hurt by what is going on, especially you not bringing down the hammer, on your cheating H.


----------



## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Serve him with divorce papers (sure woke up my H). If that doesn't shock him back to reality then nothing will. He has an addiction problem that he's not really willing to work through. Divorce usually wakes people up so serve the papers on a silver platter. You can stop the precedings at anytime. He needs a come to Jesus moment.


----------



## Ougaouga (Apr 1, 2016)

Thanks everyone, I have been gathering my support system. I am 34 and both of my parents are dead, and I think that is one reason I have stayed, it is scary when you have two young kids and no one to offer support or help, but I have reached out to friends and other extended family members and everyone is rallying behind me. I feel ready to do the deed now. He really doesn't believe that I will do it, he fully expects me to just drop it and stay but he is in for a surprise. He made us a counseling appointment for a couple days from now. I'm on the fence about whether I should even go with him, or should I go and let the counselor know I'm there to work out how to make the impending divorce go as smoothly as possible for the kids and to work out our co-parenting plan, but not to try and save the marriage?


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Ouga,

Sounds like he does not believe you will do anything. Do not reveal your plans.

You need to make sure if oyu go to this therapy session that you refuse to let the conversation go to "what is wrong with the marriage". 

He has repeatedly cheated on you, apparently is confident he can continue to do it, and you cannot waste your money listening to someone question YOU for or about what you have done wrong.

if you cannot divorce him, one other way you might cure this bozo who happens to be your husband is tell him everything he is doing is fine, and as long as he has decided you are opening up your marriage, you are going to start to have sex with other men and have some fun.

i guarantee you that will get his attention, maybe more than threatening to divorce him.


----------



## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> if you cannot divorce him, one other way you might cure this bozo who happens to be your husband is tell him everything he is doing is fine, and as long as he has decided you are opening up your marriage, you are going to start to have sex with other men and have some fun.
> 
> i guarantee you that will get his attention, maybe more than threatening to divorce him.


Yep! He's doing it so why can't you?


----------

