# I'm a giver..not a taker..confused.



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I have a question for all of you ladies out there regarding how you handle your finances.

My fiance has a great job where he makes good money...however I'm not one to ever take that for granted. His ex wife completely took him to the cleaners when they were married...going out and buying $3000 worth of furniture in an afternoon, expecting him to pay for her to have her hair done, etc. When she moved out from him..she took everything she wanted with her and the rest of his things, she sold. He was left with very little and ended up at rock bottom.

To this day, she collects child support from him and continues to nickel and dime him whether it's asking him for gas money to bring the kids to us, asks him for addional money for the kid's school supplies, gymnastics, fast speed internet (since her current husband refused to pay for it), etc. and my fiance gives in every single time just because he doesn't want to argue with her. He's a fantastic father and will do absolutely anything to make his children happy, including refusing to argue with their mother as it upsets them.

We, as a future husband and wife have an awesome relationship. I love his kids as much as they love me and we're all looking forward to becoming a family. 

A little bit about me is that I went through a lousy situation myself as my ex husband took me to the cleaners also. I worked and he played. I did everything I could to keep our home out of the crapper including using much of my 401k to pay for our mortgage and bills, yet I still ended up in foreclosure and bankruptcy. It wasn't an easy thing but I got through it.

I never wanted to bring any baggage to mine and my fiance's relationship so I made sure that all my previous "messes" were cleaned up. I'm the sort of person that is more a giver than a taker and I ask for very little.

Shortly after my divorce and right before I got together with my fiance, I lost my job. While I continued to look for work, my dad had a stroke so I had to put my work search on hold to take care of his needs including finding him a new place to live in a nice Independant Living place, helping him with this..that..or something else. My mom had passed away several years earlier and being that my dad was all alone..there was nobody there but me for him.

In addition to that, I was also dealing with my own issues with foreclosure and bankruptcy and had reconnected with my now fiance after 15 years. He'd asked me to move in with him and I was more than a little skiddish about that only because the only money I had coming in was unemployment and made him promise that he'd at least take SOMETHING from me to help pay for bills, etc. His reply was that he made enough and that I could do that after we were married and I had found work.

I got my dad settled and moved 700 miles away, but kept in touch with my dad daily. Not that I was comfortable with that by any means as whenever I came home, my dad would cry his eyes out and ask why I had to leave. I have a sister that's also several hundred miles away that rarely calls him and basically couldn't care less. Broke my heart but my place was with my fiance.

I wanted to look for work when I was living with him but then we had his kids for the summer, so I needed to be home for them while he worked nights and slept during the day.

Again, I hated the fact that I wasn't contributing financially and tried to give him money from my unemployment which he wouldn't take. He told me that I was doing enough..being a great stepmom to his kids, etc. and that was all he needed so I spent much of my unemployment making the kids happy.

I had to give somewhere.

After the summer ended, I took the kids back..went back to our home and we lived a peaceful existence...except for the fact that I soo wanted to give him something to contribute financially and again, he wouldn't take it..telling me that I could contribute AFTER we were married. He made enough.

Ok..so fast forward to Christmastime. My fiance told me that I should go home and spend time with my dad for the holidays. I didn't really want to leave him out there all by himself, yet he insisted. I came home, spent time with my dad and stayed at my dad's house. Soon after...my fiance thought it might be a great idea if we bought my dad's house as he and I, along with the kids had stayed in it before...he knew it was well taken care of, the kids loved it, etc. 

The thing is....you can't just leave a house sit as it was deteriorating. The bathroom pipes were leaking, etc. Along with that, my dad would cry every single time I mentioned going back home. Made me feel soo caught in the middle and like crap but after talking to my fiance..we finally decided that it was better I stay in the house..take care of it..and take care of my dad as I'd never forgive myself if something happened to him and I was over 10 hours away.

While here, I contine to look for work with no success. I'm pushing 50 and nobody seems to want to hire me. I have a foreclosure and bankrupcy in my background so I'm sure that doesn't help either. If only I could find work..that would make our life perfect as all of a sudden my fiance is complaining about money.

Yes, a wedding is expensive but I've paid for much of it myself from my savings yet my fiance continues to ***** about money. I'm the type of person not to be pushed into a corner and if it has to be..I'll use the rest of my savings to pay for the rest of the wedding just to keep him from complaining about expenses since, I really didn't want a big wedding..but I wanted to do something memorable for the kids. This isn't just about my fiance and I..but about the kids also and hearing from them say that their mom got married in something like a "Taco Bell Drive Through" and that they never really had the chance to accept her new hubby and call him "Dad"...well both my fiance and I decided to do something special.

Getting back to the money part..again, my fiance works hard. He doesn't get to see his kids as often as he should and thus..they want for nothing when he does. Oftentimes..the little money that I have..I'll slip them a little something now and then since my fiance won't take anything from me and it makes me feel good doing that. 

I'm a giver and not a taker.

Every vacation he has though...takes him to the cleaners. I've gone out and bought groceries so that all of us could maybe eat at home rather than do the fast food thing, but you know kids...always more fun to eat out.

I think sometimes though that I'M more concerned about money than my fiance is as spending $27.00 and more for four people at fast food joints (which adds up to the $100's and over that in a few days!!). There were times I didn't even get anything to eat and just ordered a soda as the enormous amount blew my hair back!!

Again..every vacation takes him to the cleaners as he sees his kids so little and just can't say no. Who would spent $7.50 a lb. on candy when you can get the same thing at the grocery store for less than half that??

I kept my mouth shut..even though I'd gone and bought my future stepson a lb and a half of the candy he loves so much at $2.99 while we spent $7.50 a lb. elsewhere for the same darned thing. I asked my future stepson if it tasted any different and he told me, "No..it's the same stuff.."

Okay...so now my fiance is upset with me regarding money. We all have a 700 minute phone plan (between 4 of us) and I like to talk so he told me to get a non contract phone and offered to pay the $45 dollars a month for unlimited chatting. Yesterday, my minutes ran out so I went to buy a phone card. He texted me later and said, "Stop. Spending. Money..Now!!" and hasn't talked to me since.

Me that asks for sooo very little because I'm NOT working, yet looking for work...I just don't think this was fair. Again, I've offered to give him money, which he won't take.

Any adivce???


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow that is just a crazy situation. He is being really rude and inconsistent. I don't think he should be telling you that you can't get another phone card when he spends whatever he wants whenever he wants. It sounds like a really unbalanced relationship. He doesn't want you to contribute but he wants to dictate, and that could explain a lot. If you don't contribute he can be in charge. 
Maybe you need to work on budgeting, including him drawing boundaries with his ex. I know what it's like to be with someone who avoids conflict with the ex but he really sounds like he's taking it to the extreme.
How old are these kids anyway? I'm kind of confused as to why you both think the wedding is for them. It shouldn't be for anyone but the two of you. I really don't understand that. You should be able to elope and they still accept you. If not then that is their problem. They sound really spoiled. 
Honestly I think your money would be better spent on pre-marital counseling than a big wedding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

That was very long but I read the whole thing. You probably wanted to give background information so people have a more complete picture of what's going on (I get that). However, I suspect some regular posters aren't going to read a post that's so long.

At a quiet time when you both won't be interrupted, you need to have a talk with him about your non-monetary contributions to the family and the value of those things. Clearly, you're feeling resentful because you don't feel you're being recognized for your cost cutting/scrimping. Being too much of a giver isn't a good thing. It eventually brings out the taker in you when you resentment level gets high. Have a straight talk with him and come up with a household budget. I hope he knows how hard you've tried to find another job in this bad economy. Don't spend money on a big wedding if things are so bad. Don't have a wedding for the sake of his children. A wedding is just one day. The ceremony happens then it's gone. Money down the tube. 

As for his ex, well the money he gives isn't for her. It's not alimony. It's child support and the child support is what the children are legally entitled to. They're entitled to it even if she remarried a wealthy man. And as their father and non-custodial parent, I can see why he would want them to have high speed internet, gymnastics and other "perks".


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Who's money did you use to buy the phone card??

I don't get why you didn't get the unlimited phone account when he said to? If it's "only $45" a month... And you are really willing to pay him some money for bills (that he keeps refusing to take)... well then, use the money you were going to give him, and buy the unlimited no contract phone.

Sorry, I think he will always have reservations as far as you spending his money. If He doesn't take any from you to help with finances, then he has more say-so, or more control, if you will, on what his money gets spent on.

If he chooses to buy the kids the $27 fast food dinner, over you purchasing a phone card because you talked more than 700 mins.. well... that is his choice.

Sorry, I do realize that you are trying to get a job... I get it, but.. I do not feel that it is a valid excuse to be angry at him. From what you've said, I kind of think, that he thinks it's his right to spend his money where he wants to.


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