# Three years out



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Monday marked three years since my ex walked out of my life and our marriage. I am amazed at how far I have come. While I still have my moments and still sometimes find myself telling her how horrible she was (is) in m mind. It is so much easier to shut it off and tell myself to just get over it and enjoy the moment.
I have realized that I was miserably married, but clung to the relationship just because it was what I thought I was supposed to do. I now find myself feeling a sense of almost gratitude that she did something I was not willing to do (end it). Because now I realize that I can do whatever I want to do. 
I have more money than I ever di when I was married. I work as much (or as little) as I want to. I own my own house. I own a motor cycle. I have traveled. I am learning t play guitar.
This week alone, I have golfed twice, Went to Kentucky to see the eclipse. Just got back from a night out with my guitar instructor. Tomorrow I am going to a Meet Up where I will meet new people. While I was in Kentucky I flirted with a woman, tonight I flirted with another. Tomorrow I will flirt with another.
I have been in four LTRs and several of lesser duration. I have had sex with six different women. I can sleep with who ever I want. I can do whatever I want. 
I have come so far from where I was.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

As long as that is the life you want, cheers! Being content is a great thing.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bkyln309 said:


> As long as that is the life you want, cheers! Being content is a great thing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I never said that is the life I want. And I am really not content. I am only commenting on how far I have come. 

When it first happened all I did was cry. I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't work. I couldn't eat. I just wanted to die. In fact I would have killed myself if not for the fact that it would have been my daughter who found my body. I fantasized about killing her and killing her and killing myself. For weeks I avoided going into my kitchen because there were knives there and I did not trust myself to not take one out and slit my own wrists.

But now I am functioning again and moving away from that and towards a life that I want. Besides all the positives that I mentioned above. I have a better relationship with my children and their spouses than I ever did before. I have new and better friends. I am learning new things and trying different things. For instance having sex with six different women is not about bragging about conquests. It is about talking about gaining experience and learning what I like and what I don't like. Which is something I failed to do early in my life. I now have more confidence than I ever did before. First off because I lived thru that and survived. So I know that nothing in this life will really kill me. Secondly, because I am discovering more about me and the mistakes that I made and learning from them so that I do not make the same mistakes twice.

As far as contentment, that is one thing that I really miss. Although I had allowed myself to become content to just be a door mat. I am still searching for that feeling of true inner peace. At times I have sensed it, but I have yet to live it.

But now I know it is up to me to find that I can't and shouldn't rely on anyone else. That in and of itself is a huge step forward


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

So I came across this thread and reread it. That was a little over 3 months ago. In the OP I mentioned I was going to a meet up. Well I did. And I ended up meeting a rather nice woman. She is tall, smart, educated, intelligent, good looking, and she enjoys sex. There are many things I truly love about her. There are also some things that I never would have imagined allowing back into my life not to long ago.
When I got divorced I decided I didn't want to date someone with kids at home or that could still get pregnant. But here I am. She is 51 and hasn't gone thru menopause yet. She had four kids. Two of them are minors. They all live at her house. She has told me she does not want to get married, she is getting her teaching certificates. She gets child support and she gets spousal support. If she were to get married, she would lose the spousal support. That is fine by me. 
We have separate homes and for the most part lives. I have met her kids and her friends. She has met my daughter and many of friends. We have double dated with some of them on several occasions and gone out with her friends and the SOs quite a few times. We usually get together one of two nights thru the week for drinks and usually sex. We get together every weekend to go out. She usually spends at least one night at my place. We text everyday, but have our own routines. It is so much different than what I was used to.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Ynot said:


> I never said that is the life I want. And I am really not content. I am only commenting on how far I have come.
> 
> When it first happened all I did was cry. I cried myself to sleep every night. I couldn't work. I couldn't eat. I just wanted to die. In fact I would have killed myself if not for the fact that it would have been my daughter who found my body. I fantasized about killing her and killing her and killing myself. For weeks I avoided going into my kitchen because there were knives there and I did not trust myself to not take one out and slit my own wrists.
> 
> ...


Glad to see how far you have come @Ynot I believe you originally posted on my posts when I was going through my dark days and offered support and advice which was very appreciated. 

I still flick through the life after divorce section to hope to see content like this, Divorce is mentally devastating and we all think life is over and we lost it all, I thought I was worthless, would never find anyone again and was so depressed i could barely function but like you looking back I am happy my XW did it as I never would and I did not realize I was not who i wanted to be in the marriage anymore, It was like having a Boss and now i am self employed LOL i am free to be who I want, do what i want and that is a great thing to have.


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