# New problems with marriage



## mmb (Feb 4, 2016)

My first post here, have been together for 11 years married for 8.
We've had our share of ups & downs but a "deal breaker" has arrived and I don't know how to handle it or what to do as it's a big mess.
About a month ago we began talking about looking at a newer car (the one we had was a nice Honda 2001 and not too far from being paid off). After 5 days of car dealerships we drove a Lexus, nice vehicle but our entire focus was to downsize from 3 cars to 2 and net a lower payment. (The wife has had 8 new or nearly new cars in the 11 years we have been together, me 2) Upon her recommendation we purchased that vehicle although our payment is only $156 a month less now and now for 60 months. The problem is she was so far upside down on her other car we had to keep that one or loose $8k. So, the long & short of it is she has 2 fairly new cars both in my name only and we can't seem to sell her older one. I wanted to wait another year or 2 before doing anything but no, she wanted to do this now saying "oh, someone will easily buy my other car" I've worked long and hard to keep a high credit score & fear now that may get damaged with 2 vehicle payments. We've fought over & over about this and for me I'm just done and ready to move on. at 52 years old all I've done most of my life is do for others I'd like to see what it's like to make some of my own choices & take care of me. I welcome comments and thoughts/advice


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Do you have the $8k available? If not, this is far from being your biggest problem.


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## mmb (Feb 4, 2016)

yes, I have the $8 k that we are upside down with but my issue is it wasn't a smart business decision & there have been many others worse than this over the past 2 years. She spent over $6000 out of a special account then my financial guy called me saying certain checks would bounce, that was last year. Also, I drive a 2010 truck & if anyone should have gotten a new vehicle it should have been me.
If these vehicles were in her name I'd have no issues with any of it but her credit is bad....gee I wonder why


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Life is too short to lose sleep over a car payment or who's name is on the title.


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## mmb (Feb 4, 2016)

I disagree, I have medical issues and my health can be up & down. Payments & credit are important to any relationship as we all need financial stability and decent credit.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You were at the car dealership with her, if you didn't want to purchase the new car you shouldn't have signed for it. Why are you upset about this now? You should have told her no we aren't getting a new car so I'm now even going to the dealership with you. It's not like she ran out got a new car and came home with it. This was a joint decision. Does she have a job? If not then maybe she should get one to help with these payments. If she already has a job then she should already be contributing towards paying these cars off. Tell her it's up to her to sell her old car. You are really ready to divorce over this? You either have a lot of other problems in your marriage or it doesn't take much to get you to give up.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

mmb said:


> yes, I have the $8 k that we are upside down with but my issue is it wasn't a smart business decision & there have been many others worse than this over the past 2 years. She spent over $6000 out of a special account then my financial guy called me saying certain checks would bounce, that was last year. Also, I drive a 2010 truck & if anyone should have gotten a new vehicle it should have been me.
> If these vehicles were in her name I'd have no issues with any of it but her credit is bad....gee I wonder why


One of the biggest financial mistakes that most people make is buying too many cars too frequently, which costs them thousands of dollars a year in unnecessary car payments.

We have three vehicles:

A 1995 Dodge Dakota, which we bought used in 1998.
A 2001 Nissan Maxima, which we bought new.
A 2008 Acura TL-S, which we bought new.

The Acura was probably a mistake in hindsight, but I was doing well at work and we could afford it.

All of these vehicles have been long paid for. I'm not buying another vehicle until and unless one of the cars dies and can't be fixed for any reasonable amount of money.

So you're right that it's not just the $8K; it's a lot more than that.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

mmb said:


> About a month ago we began talking about looking at a newer car (the one we had was a nice Honda 2001 and not too far from being paid off).
> 
> (The wife has had 8 new or nearly new cars in the 11 years we have been together, me 2)


The Honda was 15 years old. Should not that have already been paid off or just a small payment left?

8 new or near new cars in 11 years? 8? WTF? 2-4 is right number, depending on your income and personal preference. Does she just insist on driving a new car every year?

Divorce will cost you much more than $8000.


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## wellseasoned (Jan 8, 2016)

My 68 year old step dad purchased a 2012 $ 150,000 RV. He put a lien on the house using my mothers signature under pressure. He died last year and now my mother is stuck with a $1200 a month loan payment. She cannot drive it, and she is having trouble selling it. It just sits on an RV lot. She still owes $112,000 on it. Its only worth $80,000. Most of her monthly 401k is gone and lives on Social Security until she unloads it.
If she would have just said no, she wouldn't be in this position. I think the stress of having new things all the time killed my step dad. But he insisted on having new stuff. Funny thing is, he had a nice RV before he bought this one,and it was paid for! 
If you stand your ground, you wont have to be buried in it. 
In the end, it just turns to dust anyways...
Take care...


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## mmb (Feb 4, 2016)

The Honda wasn't 15 years old it was 6. There's more to this, constant critical comments daily either I talk too much or I don't talk enough, I'm indecisive, etc. Plus, she burned through 10K of her mom's retirement savings, and money I had stashed as well. Then there's the illegal drug use, marijuana smoking, heavy use, just tired of all of it. I grew up with an abusive parent not going to spend the few years I have left with an abusive and irresponsible spouse, there would have to some huge changes for me to change my mind.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Why did you buy a car you didn't want or need? You see, your wife didn't buy that car. You did. She didn't sign for the loan. You did. If you hadn't given in to her, she wouldn't be driving a new car - again - an you wouldn't be stuck with two car payments. For some reason, you appear to have been unable to say no to her. Why? What would have happened if you'd just refused to take her car shopping or refused to sign for the loan?

On top of this latest fiasco with the car, she's apparently continually irresponsible with money _and_ is a heavy drug user?!?! 

Have you ever done any work in individual counseling? It may be well past time for you to learn to set and enforce boundaries and how to say "no". Your marriage is dysfunctional. Not because your wife is dysfunctional, but because you both are, and the dynamic between you two is.


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## Qwtyo (Feb 7, 2016)

I feel ya. I've had the same truck for 16 years. I know how to repair them so I find it practical. I've always been a simple non materialistic person. We finally got out from under car payments and my wife was actually coaching her friends on doing the same. Then she goes and buys a 30000 truck. at first she tried to get me to get one, because I deserve it. When I refused, she quickly went and bought it herself. Calls be to the lot and I'm just pissed beyond belief. I think I was more disappointed than anything. She never really felt bad about it either. she just waited for me to calm down because I always do. Had I done that, I would have been crucified and lit on fire. 

Sometimes I wonder as well what it would be like to just go out and buy something for myself without being shot down or made to feel like I ruined the finances. I just don't understand the mentality of thinking one way and then completely flipping the script like she did. 
It's always been that way though because, like you, I'm just here to make everyone else happy it seems


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here. OP, you said that you are 52 years of age and has ups and downs in health condition. How old is your wife? Does she work? You know that she is fiscally irresponsible. You mentioned that she spent her mothers retirement savings and now digging into yours.

Don't be a pushover. Just say, "No"! Your wife can work for what she wants. When she has to earn what she buys, she will think twice on purchasing a want, rather than a need. No one can say "no" to her; not even her mother. It's time that you put your foot down.

Sorry you are here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'll add this just for a laugh:

I drive a 2001 Chevy 4wd, and have a '98 s10 for backup. I have tools and maintain/repair my own stuff. I haven't had a car note since my ex's car. She bought a brand new one 3 days after the papers were signed. It's 1.5 yrs old and has 46k miles on it and it's financed for 7 years. I always told her she liked to run and gun too much. She proved me right as usual.

You have a druggy wife, OP. Get rid of the anchor. And learn to say no and stick to it. &#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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