# Love without attachment



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just curious what you guys make of this, I caught a buddhist brochure about it then looked up the net about its concept. Details here:
Love, attachment and desire according to Buddhism â€“ Kadampa Life

Quote:


> It is not the same as desire – we need desires, but we don’t need attachment. Attachment is “dö chag” in Tibetan, which literally means “sticky desire”. There is a stickiness, neediness, dependency, and self-centeredness associated with attachment. It’s “I need you to make ME happy”, as opposed to “I want to make YOU happy”, which is actual love. Attachment weakens us, and we give away the key to our happiness. Love strengthens us, and we stay in charge of our happiness.
> 
> Attachment is all about me and what I can get from you, and love is all about what I can give or do for you.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Total crap in my opinion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Attachment is all about me and what I can get from you, and love is all about what I can give or do for you.


I suppose. I looked at things from the point of investment. If my (future) fiance wanted at least half my week every week and wanted me to turn down date offers from other men, my sacrifice then was viewed as an investment to him and the relationship, and that, in return, he was going to have to give me a greater share of his future.

That meant
1. He had to give up his dodgy friendship with his just a friend ex because whenever they got together, they behaved as if they were dating.
2. We had to plan for a future together.

If he didn't offer me the above two things, then I would have just seen him whenever he asked me out on a date and I had some free time to accept.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Somehow in real life the people I meet who buy into this stuff are always the most self-centered and narcissistic people. Just my experience.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Just curious what you guys make of this, I caught a buddhist brochure about it then looked up the net about its concept. Details here:
> Love, attachment and desire according to Buddhism – Kadampa Life
> 
> Quote:


As a wise man once said, 

Meh.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The quote reflects the truth of relationships, as I see them. If you really think about it, it's quite accurate - but you have to understand the definitions of the words.

This is essentially how my own relationship works, and it works very well indeed.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

This all sounds well and good as long as you are defining love and not a relationship.

If someone says, "I love you and want to make you happy, but I need to be exclusive to be happy with our relationship.", I don't find that needy and self-centered, but it would be in the context of that quote. (One example of many.)

LOL, "But honey, I just wanted to love all those cheerleaders and make them happy that someone was looking at their pictures on line!"


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Total crap in my opinion
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Christian monasticism has a very similar concept - detachment.

The idea behind this is that you should love (platonically) everyone you come across in life but not attach yourself emotionally to anyone. So you should not even have close friends. Easier said than done.

The relevance of this to the monastic life is pretty obvious I think. It is less clear how it applies to marriage but I guess the line would be that you should love your spouse but not allow that relationship become disproportionately important to you. That risks abuse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

In other words; don't be clingy yes?

Some good points are made actually, like I don't think relationship love can be that selfless realistically; for example you're still going to have to enforce boundaries like what Acorn mentioned:



> If someone says, "I love you and want to make you happy, but I need to be exclusive to be happy with our relationship.", I don't find that needy and self-centered, but it would be in the context of that quote. (One example of many.)


Guess it's a balance of things


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Strangely, I think the quote actually sounds like it describes self-involvement -- bit's basically saying to be a "saint", to bestow kindnesses on people while never needing anyone. People who have this attitude about life usually have often have a picture of themselves, in my experience.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Attachment in buddhism is quite a complicated subject...it isn't going to be understood just by reading one little snippet about it.

Random...it doesn't mean what you think it does.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Didn't read the link yet, I will go back and read it...

I read alot of Deepak Chopra's books. This is the premise of his books.

To paraphrase.. make others happy first, then yourself and happiness will follow.

I've spent so many years living that methodology...That only works it both people live by that motto. If not, resentment will build.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I can understand when we think we love somebody, we want to do things that make them happy. At the beginning of most relationships, most people want to make the other person happy so we put up our best features and treat them better.

Maybe it's because we want something in return. There is some selfishness there. 

It's a great revelation now that I discovered that I don't NEED my wife for anything anymore. I am actually happier recently.

I am definitely not a saint. I will treat people the way they treat me. I also try to treat people in the way I want to be treated... Sometimes when I do that...people walk all over me.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Strangely, I think the quote actually sounds like it describes self-involvement -- bit's basically saying to be a "saint", to bestow kindnesses on people while never needing anyone. People who have this attitude about life usually have often have a picture of themselves, in my experience.


I think this is where spiritual pride comes in. It is easy, and wrong, if you are someone who does a lot of charitable work, to think that makes you better than other people. It does not, it just means you are full of yourself. To avoid spiritual pride I think you must avoid judging yourself or others. Very difficult to do, in my experience.


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