# Considering separation married 13 years



## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

Me and my wife got married back in 2002 and things were great, no kids. As the years went by things have changed. I feel like I love her but I am not in love with her anymore. She simply quit trying, doesn't take care of herself and occasionally does house work or cook. She doesn't work because of a back issue but it isn't that bad. She can walk around and sit in a chair for hours on end. We are struggling financially and she refuses to help or even try. Turned down once for disability. Also she quit trying in the bedroom as well, she never initiates sex. Even when we do have sex she just rolls over and goes to bed. I feel like we don't have passion anymore. I've spoke about separating before and she starts crying, tries to make some changes but then back to her old self.

I know how grass may seem greener on the other side but staying in this marriage is making me depressed. Recently I may have found a woman I like but I have done anything besides talk and she is aware I am married and considering separation. We have a lot in common but I am wary. Any advice would be helpful. Should I jump this ship before it sinks?


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

So 127 views and no replies


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

People who "love but are not in love" feel that way because they are considering cheating.

Cheaters are pretty much shunned here because many of us have been cheated on.

Just sharing that this is the most likely reason you have not gotten responses here.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

backpacker said:


> Me and my wife got married back in 2002 and things were great, no kids. As the years went by things have changed. I feel like I love her but I am not in love with her anymore. *She simply quit trying, doesn't take care of herself and occasionally does house work or cook. She doesn't work because of a back issue but it isn't that bad. She can walk around and sit in a chair for hours on end. We are struggling financially and she refuses to help or even try.* Turned down once for disability. Also she quit trying in the bedroom as well, she never initiates sex. Even when we do have sex she just rolls over and goes to bed. *I feel like we don't have passion anymore.* I've spoke about separating before and she starts crying, tries to make some changes but then back to her old self.


You need to take a step back and look deep into your relationship. Are you satisfying all of her needs? Is her lack of effort a result of resignation and apathy for which you might contribute? When you have an honest answer to that question you can work on making things better. If there are things you can do to improve do them.


You need to firmly address the issues. Right now you are enabling this behavior by compensating. So far you have talked the talk and she has responded in a token way. You need to show that you are ready to leave in a way that will cause her to reevaluate her behavior. I would suggest starting to work on yourself and develop outside interests that reduce the interaction to with her. this is like doing the 180 that is talked about here but not as stringent.



backpacker said:


> I know how grass may seem greener on the other side but staying in this marriage is making me depressed. *Recently I may have found a woman I like but I have done anything besides talk and she is aware I am married and considering separation.* We have a lot in common but I am wary. Any advice would be helpful. Should I jump this ship before it sinks?


You need to cut this woman out of your life right now and work on yourself and your marriage first. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to betray your wife and that is FAR worse than anything you have described so far. Don't even talk to her anymore. You shouldn't have said anything to her about your marriage. By doing so you have indirectly given her a green light to pursue you and that you are or will be available. This in itself is crossing a major boundary with the opposite sex which many consider betrayal. Stop it now!

You need to define what it is you need from your wife and help her provide it to you as a priority. Sympathizing with a woman in this case is actually the beginning of driving a wedge between you and your wife.

I have been in a similar situation to yours in that I fell out of love with my wife years ago. By doing what I mentioned above I realized there were things I was not doing that she needed in addition to the things she wasn't doing for me. Fortunately for me there was no one else I was attracted to at the time. My wife and I worked and overcame our issues and fell in love again.

You can do this if you give your relationship a priority. You can fall in love again. However if you ignite a love for this other woman you will destroy the ability to fall in love with your wife again. Don't let this happen. 

You also need to be aware that this effort will take a long time. It's not something that will be solved in a few months and you will need to commit to the effort for a long time to ensure success. It took me over a year of hard work and frustration but it was really worth it. If the marriage was good before it can be good again.

Good Luck!


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

You should also consider that she may be suffering from depression. Depression can rob any motivation from you and may not be immediately obvious to others.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're in Affair Fog. You were trudging along, and suddenly when ANOTHER woman shows interest, the marriage sucks.

And I agree, it does suck. But you are just as responsible for that as your wife is. Therefore, running away into the arms of another woman is immoral, unjust, and unbecoming.

Tell this AP you can no longer contact her, so you can at least maintain your integrity. You'll find another woman down the road if you end up divorcing.

Then tell your wife that you are giving her a final chance: get into therapy with you and STAY in therapy with you so you can resolve issues, or you'll get the paperwork started.

And if she won't go to therapy, go ahead and get divorced. But don't do it with this woman waiting in the wings. You'll take that disgrace to the grave.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

Thanks for the replies. I have been thinking about separation long before I have even noticed other women. So here is more on my story.

We have been working on our issues for a year or so. She tries for a couple of weeks and then goes back to her old self. When I ask to go somewhere with her, the movies, out to eat etc. most times she says I am not going anywhere today. She just wants to sit in front of the TV and barely get up. She does have depression and has had it for a long time, she takes medication for it. Also I work the night shift so I sleep most days but on my off days I am up and about during the day. I just want someone to go do things with. Not all the time though, I enjoy sitting at home on the couch occasionally.

She is going to her parents house so we can have some time away from each other. She almost accidentally (not sure) overdosed on muscle relaxers two months ago, although I think it was more a cry for help because she took 11. Anyway I am really trying and nothing is changed. Thanks again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And again, go ahead and divorce.

But IF YOU DIVORCE and pick up with *that woman*, you have doomed yourself - and any future family - to a life of shame.

And one more thought.

You married her, I assume, with a VOW. Right? You know, that vow to cherish each other through thick and thin, sickness and health?

And now that she is in the sickness phase and it's no longer any fun for you...you're hightailing it out of there?

Think about it.

We're asking you to consider your MORAL FIBER here.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is best to decide what you want in your marriage with a clear head. Stop talking to the OW and concentrate on your marriage. Your wife is in trouble and she needs your help. What are you doing to take a leadership role to help her? You seem selfish and laking in empathy and compassion. She attempted suicide and you behave as if she had a cold. 

You are not likely to appeal to any woman of quality if you have nothing to give. You seem to invest nothing but expect a great deal in return. Concentrate on your wife for now. You may still D but for now, get her situated and stop trying to exit. Learn to give when someone is in need. Forget yourself for the time being.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

backpacker said:


> Me and my wife got married back in 2002 and things were great, no kids. As the years went by things have changed. I feel like I love her but I am not in love with her anymore. She simply quit trying, doesn't take care of herself and occasionally does house work or cook. She doesn't work because of a back issue but it isn't that bad. She can walk around and sit in a chair for hours on end. We are struggling financially and she refuses to help or even try. Turned down once for disability. Also she quit trying in the bedroom as well, she never initiates sex. Even when we do have sex she just rolls over and goes to bed. I feel like we don't have passion anymore. I've spoke about separating before and she starts crying, tries to make some changes but then back to her old self.
> 
> I know how grass may seem greener on the other side but staying in this marriage is making me depressed. Recently I may have found a woman I like but I have done anything besides talk and she is aware I am married and considering separation. We have a lot in common but I am wary. Any advice would be helpful. Should I jump this ship before it sinks?


Sooo...

When did you start seeing your girlfriend?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You probably won't like my answer but I'm old fashioned have been married a long time and take my vows seriously you know that part where they said in sickness and in health? Stop thinking of other women and instead of just complaining about your wife and her faults help her and love her. Someday your health may not be the best and I'm sure you will be happy she is there to support you like you should be there to support her.


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## believe in marriage (May 31, 2015)

It seems like there is much you are not saying, which makes it look like some of these things you say about your wife may not be true. Look deeper at yourself. Perhaps you have your own guilt of cheating and/or are cheating. This is the wrong site to be on if you are looking for dates. We are here to strengthen marriages. Best of luck


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

I haven't cheated nor am I looking for a date. Just advice. As for the woman we are just friends and talk and nothing more. 

I have been trying to work on my marriage and it is getting me nowhere. As far as my wife's health she sometimes does it to herself. She has diabetes and rarely checks her blood sugar, she doesn't administer herself insulin and doesn't keep her prescriptions up. We have plenty of money for that. She has been admitted several times for DKA due to her not being compliant with her meds. The hospital bills get expensive and I am the only one working and this is digging a hole as well. I don't want to sit around and watch her die because she refuses to take care of herself. Diabetes uncontrolled can cause a host of other medical problems and it is like she doesn't care. She has had problems with addiction to pain medications and muscle relaxers as well. I am going to have her go home for a while so I can work on myself and maybe she can see where I am coming from as well. I will probably clean the house and wash the clothes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So have her committed to a mental hospital so she can get the help she needs.


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## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

I'm not saying that the poster is not willing to do what is necessary to get help for his spouse, but I don't know if coming someone is as easy as you make it appear to be. Committing someone to a mental hospital is more than driving someone there and leaving them at the front desk. You have to see a judge, there needs to be a mental illness (refusing to take care of themselves would not satisfy this), as a well as there needs to be an immediate risk of the person hurting themselves or others.

Backpacker, it sucks that you are going through this while also dealing with several other aspects of a strained relationship. I have experienced similar experiences with family members that refuses to take medicine or seek the medical help that is needed. It can be straining on a relationship because it creates grief that the person is suffering, but also resentment that the person cannot do what is seemingly so easy to do. Obviously it is important to remember that while in the thick of it, it's not as easy to see things as when you are removed. It's not bad to keep attempting to help your wife see that taking care of herself is necessary. At the same time, remember that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

It seems like your relationship is ultimately heading to a very serious talk with your wife. I will split hairs here, but I don't think it is in poor taste to bring up her refusal to take care of herself. I would make special care to point out that you are not upset she was sick in the first place (nobody enjoys being ill), but the refusal to treat it what the problem is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I never said it would be easy. But if you love someone (at least at some point), you'd do what needs to be done. If she'd been diagnosed with MS, he'd have been helping her research what to do to deal with that. Depression isn't something that the person with it can always deal with by themselves. 

I'd say that, if nothing else, he should focus on getting her help before he walks away.


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## J.Pon789 (Feb 25, 2015)

turnera said:


> But if you love someone (at least at some point), you'd do what needs to be done.


You are implying that the poster 1. Does not love his wife and 2. Has not attempted to help his wife. I don't think either of these are fair. He has stated opposites to both of things, and since he still seems to actively be looking for ways to help his marriage, I see no reason to not believe him. (Now yes, you could bring up the "love but not in love" thing as evidence that you think he doesn't love his wife, but I don't think it's so simple. By virtue of being here and asking for help I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt).

You are right, depression is a nasty thing that can take two people to overcome; however, it requires effort on her part as well. From what the poster describes, she has not been willing to do so. The only glimpse of his wife seeking/being willing to get help is a possible cry for help involving pills. This is obviously an important moment and I would be curious how the poster handled the situation, what attempts at help he took to give his wife support, how she responded to them, and where the situation is now, two months later.

Essentially what I'm saying is cut the guy some slack; he is clearly unhappy with his situation, is confused, but appears somewhat willing to attempt to make things work (or he wouldn't necessarily be here). Obviously you are entitled to give your own advice any way you see fit, but I urge you to look at this from his point of view: caring about someone, and not feeling that love in return. Making him feel guilty for having feelings (especially since he has not acted on anything immoral) does not help his cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You seem to think I'm giving him a hard time. I'm not. I'm telling him what it will likely take for her to turn around. And saying that, whether he leaves or not (not my problem or choice), he owes it to her to at least get her real help before he does leave. And if she's so depressed that she won't participate, he needs to ramp it up and get professionals to help her.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

J.Pon789 said:


> You are implying that the poster 1. Does not love his wife and 2. Has not attempted to help his wife. I don't think either of these are fair. He has stated opposites to both of things, and since he still seems to actively be looking for ways to help his marriage, I see no reason to not believe him. (Now yes, you could bring up the "love but not in love" thing as evidence that you think he doesn't love his wife, but I don't think it's so simple. By virtue of being here and asking for help I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt).
> 
> You are right, depression is a nasty thing that can take two people to overcome; however, it requires effort on her part as well. From what the poster describes, she has not been willing to do so. The only glimpse of his wife seeking/being willing to get help is a possible cry for help involving pills. This is obviously an important moment and I would be curious how the poster handled the situation, what attempts at help he took to give his wife support, how she responded to them, and where the situation is now, two months later.
> 
> ...


I am a paramedic, I found her responsive to painful stimuli only and had to call an ambulance. She was barely breathing, diaphoretic had slurred speech. While I deal with many bad calls at work and can come through it, it is entirely different when it is your spouse. She was forced to stay in a psych hospital by a doctor and got help. I had/still do have to control her medications that she was addicted to (they are locked up). I am not trying to make excuses, sometimes I feel like she is more my patient than my wife. This happened coupled with years of her not taking care of herself despite knowing what she needs to do bothers me.

She has been on insulin drips in ICU's. She doesn't realize she could find herself on dialysis or have to have an extremity amputated. Its hard to care about someone when they don't care about themselves. I am trying to do the best I can and it always seems to not be enough. She lets herself go and doesn't try.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then she's a danger to herself and she needs to get admitted for long-term help.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

She was admitted and got help but her not taking care of herself and the other things is what has me contemplating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She was in treatment for how many days?


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

Well we separated for a week. I bought her a train ticket to go back home. She said she wanted to come home and pack things up. I didn't want her to come back so soon. I didn't buy her a ticket to come home, her mom did and I wasn't just going to leave her at the train station. She came home and cried several times and said she loved me more than herself. She tried to get in my britches as well. My wife doesn't understand the fact that I want her to work so we can have a better life together, she is satisfied with the life we have. I am not. I guess I could get another job and make more money but I believe it would be nice for her to help. I haven't been on a vacation in nearly 5 years. I have sent her on cruises without me, she went with family, because we couldn't afford to board our dog. I feel like she is trying to hold on and maybe I am as well. Money doesn't buy happiness but it certainly can help. I am also still concerned about her not taking care of herself medically and her poor hygiene. Any advice?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her to stay with her folks and if she can maintain a job there for six months, and THEN sign some legal thing saying she either maintains a job with you or she moves out, that THEN you'll consider taking her back. But not for at least six months at her folks' home WITH a full-time job. What have you got to lose? Just tell her you are not willing to stay married to a woman who won't work full time. Period. And if she doesn't want to be that woman, you have nothing more to discuss.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

turnera said:


> Tell her to stay with her folks and if she can maintain a job there for six months, and THEN sign some legal thing saying she either maintains a job with you or she moves out, that THEN you'll consider taking her back. But not for at least six months at her folks' home WITH a full-time job. What have you got to lose? Just tell her you are not willing to stay married to a woman who won't work full time. Period. And if she doesn't want to be that woman, you have nothing more to discuss.


Well she says that she can't work due to her back. She can babysit though. She can cook/clean and wash clothes. She tried to file disability once and got denied and is trying again. I think she wants to make excuses not to work and I need someone who can contribute. She keeps telling me is all about money. Money helps, it reduces stress, makes us able to take vacations and enjoy life. I don't understand how come this is so difficult to comprehend. Does it make me a bad husband for wanting my wife to work? Even part time is ok. She makes me out to be the bad person.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

backpacker said:


> Me and my wife got married back in 2002 and things were great, no kids. As the years went by things have changed. I feel like I love her but I am not in love with her anymore. She simply quit trying, doesn't take care of herself and occasionally does house work or cook. She doesn't work because of a back issue but it isn't that bad. She can walk around and sit in a chair for hours on end. We are struggling financially and she refuses to help or even try. Turned down once for disability. Also she quit trying in the bedroom as well, she never initiates sex. Even when we do have sex she just rolls over and goes to bed. I feel like we don't have passion anymore. I've spoke about separating before and she starts crying, tries to make some changes but then back to her old self.
> 
> I know how grass may seem greener on the other side but staying in this marriage is making me depressed. Recently I may have found a woman I like but I have done anything besides talk and she is aware I am married and considering separation. We have a lot in common but I am wary. Any advice would be helpful. Should I jump this ship before it sinks?


You had me right until you said you've met someone. Cmon man this is a two party problem. If you've lost respect for who your wife is and what she does then deal with that. Stay or leave and only if and after you've left can you consider another person. Another person you *WASN'T into* while still married. Don't be that guy who's too weak to finish what you start before starting something else.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

backpacker said:


> She simply quit trying, doesn't take care of herself and occasionally does house work or cook. She doesn't work because of a back issue but it isn't that bad. She can walk around and sit in a chair for hours on end. We are struggling financially and she refuses to help or even try.... she quit trying in the bedroom as well, she never initiates sex.


BP, you are describing a woman who seems to obsess over her own needs while showing little interest in satisfying yours. Specifically, despite having no children to care for, she refuses to work outside the home to reduce the financial burden on you -- and she generally doesn't work inside the home either, given her sparse efforts at cooking and cleaning. 

Moreover, she seems determined to protect her role of being "The Victim" by refusing to take her diabetes and depression medications properly, refusing to perform personal hygiene responsibly, and changing your relationship from husband/wife into one of medic/patient. Indeed, there is much irony in her decision to marry a paramedic and then withhold sex and affection from him, thereby restricting your role to that of caregiver. 

If she really does view herself as the poor-little-me-I'm-such-a-helpless-victim -- as you seem to describe -- it would be prudent for you to consider that her mental issues might go well beyond simple depression. I therefore suggest you to read about "waif borderlines" to see if the warning signs (i.e., behavioral symptoms) sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is Shari Schreiber's article on *Waif Borderlines* and A.J. Mahari's discussion of *Quiet Borderlines*. 

Of course, you are not capable of diagnosing your W's mental issues. Only a professional can do that. You nonetheless should be fully capable of spotting strong warning signs after you learn what red flags to look out for. If those two articles ring many bells, I would be glad to join *JPon*, *Turnera* and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Given your caregiving nature -- evident both at home and at work -- I believe it is important that we encourage you to also take care of yourself.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Uptown said:


> BP, you are describing a woman who seems to obsess over her own needs while showing little interest in satisfying yours. Specifically, despite having no children to care for, she refuses to work outside the home to reduce the financial burden on you -- and she generally doesn't work inside the home either, given her sparse efforts at cooking and cleaning.
> 
> Moreover, she seems determined to protect her role of being "The Victim" by refusing to take her diabetes and depression medications properly, refusing to perform personal hygiene responsibly, and changing your relationship from husband/wife into one of medic/patient. Indeed, there is much irony in her decision to marry a paramedic and then withhold sex and affection from him, thereby restricting your role to that of caregiver.
> 
> ...


Did you miss this Uptown? Do you suppose there's motive to the wife's description?



backpacker said:


> Recently I may have found a woman I like but I have done anything besides talk and she is aware I am married and considering separation. We have a lot in common but I am wary. Any advice would be helpful. Should I jump this ship before it sinks?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> Did you miss this Uptown? *Do you suppose there's motive to the wife's description?*


Thundarr, no, I don't suppose. I leave supposition to those of you who believe you can read between the lines or otherwise read the OP's mind. Granted, it's possible you are correct. And it's possible the OP is a 12 year old girl pretending to be a married man. Yet, whenever I respond to an OP's request for help, I do so assuming his description is intended to be accurate -- unless I see obvious contradictions. That, at least, is my intended objective even if I sometimes fail in achieving it.

In this particular case, it is unclear whether the W's sorry treatment of the H has caused his eyes to wander (as BP claims) or, rather, his wandering eyes have caused him to have a distorted view of a genuinely sick W (as you assume). Like JPon, I take BP at his word and thus am trying to work with the information he provides. 

Of course, this means that the advice from JPon and me is totally worthless if BP has seriously mischaracterized his W, as you assume. I am willing to live with that, however. Everyone seeking advice on a public forum must realize that, because the advice has to be based on the information provided, the "garbage in, garbage out" principle will prevail whenever that information is seriously inaccurate.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Thundarr, no, I don't suppose. I leave supposition to those of you who believe you can read between the lines or otherwise read the OP's mind. Granted, it's possible you are correct. And it's possible the OP is a 12 year old girl pretending to be a married man. Yet, whenever I respond to an OP's request for help, *I do so assuming his description is intended to be accurate -- unless I see obvious contradictions.* That, at least, is my intended objective even if I sometimes fail in achieving it.


That was my thought Uptown. There being an interest in a third person seems like an obvious contradiction. An extramarital interest is a motivator to distort the description via history rewrites IMO. I think OP needs to hear that while a third person is in the picture that there is no high road here.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> That was my thought Uptown. There being an interest in a third person seems like an obvious contradiction. An extramarital interest is a motivator to distort the description via history rewrites IMO. I think OP needs to hear that while a third person is in the picture that there is no high road here.


This third person thing is not going on it was something I pondered. There is no one else in the picture. The history I have given is real and it is what is going on. I am not making it up to make myself feel better. I am trying to see how others would respond to their wife acting in this manner.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

backpacker said:


> This third person thing is not going on it was something I pondered. There is no one else in the picture. The history I have given is real and it is what is going on. I am not making it up to make myself feel better. I am trying to see how others would respond to their wife acting in this manner.


So regarding your wife, she doesn't seem to be doing her half of the relationship lifting. Not even close to it. It's no wonder you've lost attraction for her because you probably don't respect who she has become and feel some resentment that she's taking advantage of you. There's nothing wrong with having expectations of our partners and ourselves and she personally wouldn't be meeting my expectations of what a partner is supposed to be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

backpacker said:


> Well she says that she can't work due to her back. She can babysit though. She can cook/clean and wash clothes. She tried to file disability once and got denied and is trying again. I think she wants to make excuses not to work and I need someone who can contribute. She keeps telling me is all about money. Money helps, it reduces stress, makes us able to take vacations and enjoy life. I don't understand how come this is so difficult to comprehend. Does it make me a bad husband for wanting my wife to work? Even part time is ok. She makes me out to be the bad person.


Excuses.

Just tell her she's not welcome back unless she's working full time. If a paraplegic can find work, so can she.

But I will tell you this. If all of this is happening because you have the hots for another woman, shame on you. And that shame is going to follow you to your grave.


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## backpacker (May 30, 2015)

My wife found this thread and is angry. She still won't work. However she does babysit from time to time as previously stated but we struggle financially. I just finished reading that thread about the super wealthy guy with 5x income etc. I don't think that having her make money will change the way I feel. This has gone on for too long and I feel bitter that she hasn't helped. She has tried disability but was denied, even with a lawyer. Now she is trying a second time. Yeah I have made some dumb financial decisions, who doesn't?, but I'm fixing those. She thinks I have another woman and I don't. I did post that I was talking to someone that liked me but I didn't pursue it. For someone reason she can't figure out how to read the whole thread but keeps trying. I offered to let her read the whole thing and she refused. She got mad when I said I wanted more than just fish sticks and imitation potatoes for dinner. She occasionally cooks great meals like ham and imitation potatoes, greens and such. In the past she used to peel potatoes and make real mashed potatoes. I can't remember the last time I ate a corn on the cob. What she makes for me makes me feel like that is how she feels about me. If she doesn't work why can she impress me with some good meals from the heart. I'll buy the food. I shouldn't have let this go so far down this wrong turn. Merely talking to another woman has gotten her upset and I understand why. Its an emotional thing. It looks like I'm giving my attention to another woman which I was, but only texting/talking.

I need to omit the part about her trying to get in my britches. That is incorrect. I tried to get into her britches. I don't know why I guess I felt bad and thought it would bring us closer. We don't argue and she still sleeps upstairs cause "the air conditioning is good". I took an old cell phone of mine and put some minutes on it cause she keeps wanting to go through mine. She wants to see if I am talking to others. I am talking to my very close friends about what is going on and I don't want her to alienate them. Since I won't let her see my phone she thinks it is because I'm cheating.

Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should continue living unhappy and barely getting by, realizing that at least I am with my wife. Continue having to overdraft the account every paycheck so I can afford gas and food. My cabinets aren't bare but oven baked goods get old. (sliced turkey, salisbury steak, fish sticks, beef chunks, sausages (but I love those)) Anything easy that can be stuck in a oven and prepared is done. I am not saying I constantly need a chef type meal. Maybe someone here understands.

I see people everyday in worse situations, I see life and death. You are here today and gone tomorrow. I feel it is not okay for me to get a second job and work my ass off some more. I do feel selfish though for wanting a better life. Being with a woman that works and is already independent is a huge attraction to me. It is one that I have to force myself not to act on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dude, she just isn't into you. You are her convenience. She's content to be your roommate - in separate rooms, no less. You're no longer a MAN to her.

Just call it a day and divorce.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

You sound like you have lost attraction/love for your wife and are looking for someone to validate you leaving her/cheating on her. Go ahead then. You think that will make life easier? 

Try being the spouse you would want first. Try treating her respectfully. Waking up saying what can I do to make you happy today? Try that for 6 mos. and see what happens. 

Have you ever thought about her? Why she is acting this way? What must be bothering her? Is she depressed? What happened to "in sickness and in health"? 

Just things to think about.


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## walkedon22 (May 26, 2014)

I had noticed your thread and wondered if you are possibly leaving out some vital information? In order to get advice that could be honest advice, people would need to know both sides. Think clearly and of your wife and be sure to not just think of your needs. From my own experience, I might wonder if you are only complaining about her and are not sharing what you might have done to hurt her. If you have done something in the past that has hurt her deeply, she would show these same signs. She will shut herself down because of the betrayal against her. I hope things are better for you both, especially your wife. I have also noticed that you havent been back on the site and leaves to wonder a few more things. Honesty is always the best way to go...... J


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