# Christmas Mood



## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

This year I found out about my Hubby's EA. Since Aug. I have just been numb. This year I haven't been in the Christmas mood I really didn't even want to buy him any gifts I don't think he should get any because of the hurt that he has put me through and I didn't get him as much as I have in the past. Anyone else out of the Christmas mood. I didn't put up any outside lights and only put up one christmas tree this year. The only thing that has really made me happy is another wife that is going through the same thing with this same women so our mauture dislike of the OW has made us friends. Hubby has been better and as far as I know has not talked to the OW since Aug. But the hurt is still there. Just ready to get over the numb feeling.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm sorry you've had to go through this. You say this was last August? It sounds as if you are still carrying it around with you. 

When are you going to put it down and start to heal? Yes, your husband did something hurtful, but don't you love him and want to work things out with him? 

Why not, let this Christmas be the time when you start to work on finding a new connection with him. Get him gifts because you love him.

The hurt will be there for awhile, but it will get better if you keep the priority on healing and reconnecting to each other. Put the love first.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I'm going through a bit of Xmas let down as well, took me forever to decorate the house and buy the gifts, just didn't have my heart into it this year, also in a PA situation with my husband, found out in Nov. Still so raw, but we have decided to get through the holidays. New year, new life, trying to hang in there, but it's a challenge, it helps having my kids home for the holidays.......HappyHer is right if you have decided to stay with your husband you have to commit 100% or he will feel it and you won't be happy....just live for each day and don't think about the past, make the future the best you can for the both of you.....It's an opportunity to be the best couple you can be.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Sorry you are still hurting. But I agree with Happy, you need to start the healing for you. As hard as it is, begin focusing on your husband and your marriage. 

You say your H is better - so he is trying to repair the damage of his EA with you and working on your marriage, yes? If so, that's great. However, your also responsible for moving forward and helping with the healing. It sucks, I know. I found out 10/19/09 of my hubby's PA. So trust me, I understand. But you've got to find it in yourself to move on and decide to be happy. 

I made the decision I could wallow in self pity, anger, despair or I could just move past. Which is what I am doing. This holiday season I am focusing on what's great in my life. In the back of my mind is always the knowledge of what my H did to me and our family & it hurts like hell. But in the forefront is my H who is in love with me and showing me everyday that he is. He is here with ME...YOUR H IS THERE WITH YOU! Focus on that.

Reconnect with your hubby and make new, wonderful Holiday memories. Let your love for one another be the greatest gift of all!


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

I am not in the Christmas mood at all this year. I found about my bf OW in June and have not been able to let it go to rebuild. He claims he wants to, but I am not convinced that things are over with them. It has consumed me and made me not like the person I have become with him. I don't know how to tell you to work through it and/or get over it...I would love to hear other peoples input/suggestions on that.
However if you feel that he has not been in contact with her and he is truly trying to work it out, then you need to be committed to do the same. You need to understand that he made a mistake (as we all do at some point), but he is trying to do what he feels should make it better-to work it out. You may need to identify what you need him to do to work it out (i have found that these two things are often quite different)...if he needs to do something that he is not currently doing, in order to regain your trust and compassion, then you need to express that to him. do not build a wall of uncommunicated expectations....

Good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I am sooo sorry. I was the same way last year and I didnt get my Husband ANYTHING. so I understand what you feel. You will get better over time. I have atleast to a point.


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

mommy2 said:


> I made the decision I could wallow in self pity, anger, despair or I could just move past. Which is what I am doing. This holiday season I am focusing on what's great in my life. In the back of my mind is always the knowledge of what my H did to me and our family & it hurts like hell. But in the forefront is my H who is in love with me and showing me everyday that he is. He is here with ME...YOUR H IS THERE WITH YOU! Focus on that.


mommy2, have I ever told you how much I like reading your replies? If not: I really enjoy reading your replies, you make me feel hopeful.. Thanks for that  

MrsBroken... I've found that "Fake it til you make it" usually works, at least short term.. Even if you don't feel like it, try to go through the motions. I completely understand your reluctance to give the same amount of gifts that you used to to your husband, and I think that's fine. (I skipped my husband's birthday entirely that first year so you're no where near as wickedly punishing as I was 
August isn't so long ago, I'm sure the feelings are still quite fresh.. But they can be set aside on occasion, if only for a little while. 
Merry Christmas, & know that you're not alone.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks everyone! It's only been 4mths since hubby stop his EA so it is still new feeling to deal with. I feel like I lost my best friend. Sometimes I just look at him a wonder where my hubby went I don't know this man that would look me in the eyes and lie to me for mths. Santa doesn't bring gifts to bad little boys and I feel he shouldn't get any but i have bought him gifts just not like years past. I guess part of that is because I know that he doesn't have the money to buy me much because he put his self in the whole with the $1,OOO phone bill because of the OW. He keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and I say not to have to ever to be hurt again like he did this year. What I really want is for this hurt to just go away. I want a hubby that wasn't planning on leaving me for the OW 4mos ago. i still wonder why he still picked me. I hate the person I have become full of hate and crying all the time. Let's see how well my acting skills are this Christmas.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

mrsbroken said:


> This year I found out about my Hubby's EA. Since Aug. I have just been numb. This year I haven't been in the Christmas mood


Two Christmases ago I was feeling much of the same. I discovered my wife's EA earlier in the year. About the holiday season I came to understand what it really was and didn't think the marriage would make it through the next year. I was pretty numb and going through the motions but do remember enjoying watching my kids opening gifts and having a great time. Shortly after Christmas she too came to understand what it was, that it was not just a friendship. We had a rough 2008 but were in recovery. Contact with him broke and restarted, then finally ended. We are miles down the road from where we were and happier as a couple then we have been in years. It takes time and a lot of it sometimes. But there is hope. Enjoy the holiday with others in your family. Know that they are there for you no matter what. Work on yourself and find forgiveness if you can. Once forgiven you can look at the whole situation from a less emotional state and piece it all back together. Bless.


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## jason (Dec 12, 2009)

I personally don't think EA's are that bad. Sure, they hurt and it can be considered cheating. However, if there's been no sex involved I think there's a reason for that - the cheating partner isn't ready to leave what he or she has - which means there still is hope. I would have loved to find out my wife has an EA, for that would've been a major red flag and I would have tried to fix stuff. Instead she just had a regular affair and I don't think I'll ever be able to get over that.

So all I wanted to say is - if you husband indeed didn't talk to the OW since August just try to get over it and enjoy the holidays. And if there's any comfort in this - these holidays are the worst of my life - at least you have something you can fix. Also, I spend Christmas alone while my wife is with the other guy. You're there with your husband. Cherish these times.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

jason said:


> I personally don't think EA's are that bad. .


Sorry Jason, I'll have to strongly disagree with that statement. Try and understand how it feels for the one you love emotionally disconnecting from you and on to another. The EA has many of the same symptoms as a PA. The lies, deceit, secrecy, disconnect, lack of attention, love, sex, commitment. The pain is just as real and in many instances the EA can be far more destructive to a marriage and more difficult to recover from for both parties involved. Been there, done that and have the scars to prove it.

An interesting thread on the subject. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/4393-worse.html


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