# transparency? ha yea right



## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

I previously posted that my husband has been talking with other women via facebook and text. Confronted him. Got the usual it was nothing just talk...turned things around on me etc, etc.
Last week before I headed to work I sat at computer to play my game and his facebook was open so I started reading his "chats" and opened another girls to see that they were talking about. He came in room wanting to talk (finally) but I kept trying to read the conversations, he grew angry asking me why I logged into his fb (I didn't it was open) got more angry because I continues reading.. eventually he got up and unplugged the computer from the wall!! Not even hit the button to turn it off, just unplugged the whole thing!! WOW!
So I went to work and wouldn't really have a chance to talk for a few days, I work in the evening and he gets up real early to workout before work. 
So here we are on Thursday evening talking a little, I asked him to open his facebook so I could see. If it really was just words then its no big deal just open it. He wouldn't. I was practically begging, he wouldn't. But he was making comments about lets do this and wanna give me a... So he wanted sex but not to open up for me. So I give in later in the night (yes I had been drinking a bit, probably too much as you will see in a minute) We are having sex and I don't know what happened a switch flipped in my brain..is he thinking of these other girls right now? I say something along the lines of just pretend I'm your girls and proceeed to start saying their names. Gosh I'm such and idiot and could be a bit CRAZY!! So we stop and are angry again, I ask again if he will open fb. NO. I went a bit psycho hit him a few times he had to hold me down, seriously I don't know who I was in that moment...but can you blame me? Then calmed down and asked again. He just won't do it WHY??!!! Obviously he's VERY mad because I was hitting him, I "maliciously attacked" him he says. We don't talk at all Friday. Come Saturday he doesn't want to talk because I attacked him, VERY angry, which I totally understand I never should have done that! Later he is not as angry we talk a little, I ask again for him to open fb and he says he won't do it. I said any "counselor" would say its a good idea to open everything up. He says that I'm in the wrong profession if I know that everyone would say that, and am I sure its not my divorced friends putting things in my head. yea because thats what divorced people want, everyone to be like them?! That it would be living in the past bringing up all the same things I've already said and asked and he already answered!! WTH??!!! 
I just don't know what to do!! sorry this is so stinking long....


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

He's definitely hiding his activities. Say nothing more. Go into stealth mode. Gather evidence any where you can find it. Go online and do an internet search for him. Try to detect hidden accounts (email, social networking sites, dating sites). Look at phone records and try to identify numbers. Look for mysterious charges on your accounts. Just gather and when you find something do not discuss it with him. Keep gathering data. Print stuff out. Make copies. When you finally have enough to prove it's not fantasy but actual infidelity you can present it to him. Make sure you get evidence that crosses the line or he can do what my H is doing....trying to convince me that nothing physical took place. It's all virtual. It's all fantasy. He never cheated... Good luck to you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You need a key logger
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> He's definitely hiding his activities. Say nothing more. Go into stealth mode. Gather evidence any where you can find it. Go online and do an internet search for him. Try to detect hidden accounts (email, social networking sites, dating sites). Look at phone records and try to identify numbers. Look for mysterious charges on your accounts. Just gather and when you find something do not discuss it with him. Keep gathering data. Print stuff out. Make copies. When you finally have enough to prove it's not fantasy but actual infidelity you can present it to him. Make sure you get evidence that crosses the line or he can do what my H is doing....trying to convince me that nothing physical took place. It's all virtual. It's all fantasy. He never cheated... Good luck to you.


:iagree: turn in to a super sleuth before you say another thing, I so wished I'd kept quiet when i first found evidence.....because all he did was delete everything!


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

notgoodenough79:

Sorry that you are here and going through this. There are two separate things that you should think about.

First - your conduct.
Second - his conduct.

If you were a man, I would be recommending that your WW call the police, file assault and battery charges against you, and then to find a civil lawyer to begin divorce proceedings on the basis of physical and mental abuse. Physical violence is the best way to lose your shirt in a divorce - look up the clean hands doctrine. *So stop battering your husband - period.*

That said. It sounds like your H is having one or multiple EAs. The advice here will help you catch him. That advice will include evidence gathering. This process will further require you to patiently hold evidence closer to your chest. You may find evidence of a chat log that is an EA, but need to wait for evidence of the PA. It sounds like you do not have the tools to bide your time. Don't drink and find some courage.

Get a key-logger and install it on the computer in the home. Get a "voice activated recorder" and velcro it under the driver's side seat of the car, where it cannot be found.

Read the advice you will get here, and read as many other posts as you can on this site. FOLLOW THE ADVICE - you will succeed with whatever your goal is if you do.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

notgoodenough79 said:


> So I went to work and wouldn't really have a chance to talk for a few days, I work in the evening and he gets up real early to workout before work.


You mention this in passing, but I see one big problem right there. Your work/personal time rhythms are out of sync and you are both spending most of your time apart and working with other people. While it doesn't excuse infidelity on his part, it's not terribly surprising when he's probably spending more time with female co-workers than with you. Here's one easy fix - why doesn't he exercise in the evenings instead? That would help at least a little.

In the long run, fixing that might go a long way toward fixing all the other problems you both have.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Honestly its just a matter of principle at this point. He knew you were reading what was on his facebook. He had plenty of days to delete stuff and then open it up for you to look at after it was all deleted. The point now is that he doesnt want to share that with you, he's being deceptive to get his point across that he is NOT going to be open to you about it.

At this point you probably wont find anything on FB, he'll be smart enough to delete it by now (Im guessing he's smart enough to do that..LMAO).

The question is....do you want to live with his lack of transparency in your relationship?

Im with the others....keep your mouth shut, act like you were dumb to want to look at his fb and then collect info. Keylog the computer and see what you find.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

PastOM said:


> If you were a man, I would be recommending that your WW call the police, file assault and battery charges against you, and then to find a civil lawyer to begin divorce proceedings on the basis of physical and mental abuse.


But because the OP is a woman she should be held less accountable? You realize that is a double standard, right?

This doesn't sound like a situation where the police should be involved no matter what the genders are. I never recommend calling the police unless there has been substantial harm and/or someone genuinely believes their life is in danger. Some people recommend calling the police at the drop of a hat, yet it would never even occur to them to call the police if their children were fighting, for example. 

Law enforcement is a very blunt tool, a one-sized fits all solution that doesn't fit all situations very well. Once it's done it cannot be undone, and piles on the misery. 99% of the time, simply leaving is a much better solution to the situation.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

tacoma said:


> You need a key logger
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does he use a computer? If so install a key logger.

That'll get you passwords to his emails, facebook, and chat logs only on his side though from what he types.

Sometimes you don't need to see the other side and, all you do is log on and check his history. I'm sure he should have it saved as he is not allowing you access. Some key loggers send screen shots etc and you can check them online.


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

I know I would have been arrested if he had called the police, I know I was wrong in putting my hands on him.
I am fairly certain that everything was probabaly deleted, I get that. But he won't even open to prove that point. And he changed his password to facebook as soon as I left that day. ( saw email stating this)
I'm pretty sure keylogger would do nothing for me as he is always on his phone! 
and I probably screwed any chance of being "stealth" as I have already confronted and I am locked out of EVERYTHING!
It seems to me lose, lose and keep getting lost!
All I keep thinking is what am I going to do, what are my kids going to do


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

he works out in the mornings and runs in the evening, this is all done at home. but his excuse of me never being here for him is kinda dumb to me when I am home and he doesn't spend the time with me


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You tell him that he either opens up everything to you, or he packs his bags and leaves. It really is that simple.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

He says your divorced friends are putting this idea into your head? No, his BEHAVIOR is doing that! He is gaslighting you, trying to throw you off. You stumbled upon somethign he doesn't want you to see... hence, unplugging the computer, rather than just shutting it down. That's like taking the cell phone and removing the battery rather than just locking it/shutting it off. See? While I agree, you shouldn't have gotten physical, he should have been open with you. Now, you know he is hiding something from you... the question isn't what will you do... it's how long are you going to allow the behavior to continue without takign action?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What kind of phone does he have?

Android?
iPhone?
Something else?


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

he has an iphone. 
I attempted to install some type of key thing but not sure if I did it correctly though.
I'm just lost. I know what I have to do and I guess maybe I can't admit it. I've been with him so long. But it seems this won't change. It hasn't yet and this time he wasn't just looking or talking, he put me down...


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

Theseus said:


> But because the OP is a woman she should be held less accountable? You realize that is a double standard, right?


*Yes.* Often small amounts of physical abuse are tolerated when from W to H. Often the H finds it harmless and he is able to "ward off the woman" (in a semi-facetious way). Here, it's clear that alcohol and rage turned into something less acceptable and more harmful, with the ability to rapidly escalate on both sides. A stern reminder of the next steps may be warranted.

Taking into account what I perceive to be the normal performance of this couple, the police action would not be warranted. I do, however, have a zero tolerance policy when a man batters a woman in any way.


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## notgoodenough79 (Apr 10, 2013)

Every conversation comes back to the fact that we already talked about everything that there is nothing more to say or I am just saying the same things over and over. And my "divorced wives club" "DWC" as he now calls it is putting things in my head. He doesn't even seem sorry. I asked about this and he said I've already told you I love you and nothing is going on with other people, but that isn't good enough for you. He tells me I already made up my mind, so what is the point? and he will contact our realtor in a couple days to put the house up for sale (we just bought a home last april....
This is just mind boggling to me, how can those be the only things he says... oh and these are not verbal conversations, they are texts. Everytime I try to actually talk to him face to face, it ends with him walking away mad because "we already talked about this"
maybe reading all this stuff is making me crazier


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are making yourself crazy by letting him push you around like this.

Tell him that he either opens everything up or packs his bags. If he refuses to pack his bags and leave, YOU hire a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. I highly doubt he can sell the house by himself - isn't your name on it too?? Even if he does he can't keep all the money for himself.

Talk means NOTHING. It's actions that count. If he won't do what he needs to do, then you HAVE to do what you have to do.


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