# How to get him to trust me



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Me and husband made the huge mistake of sharing our pasts with each other when we first got together. In addition, when we got together people got so jealous of our union that they ran to him and created all these lies about me to him (his so called friends). Well all that mess lodged in his head and I have endured 2 years of him looking at me with mistrust. My voice just doesn't seem to be louder than the voices of others. He MAKES my actions suspicious. I have gone through being accused of things I haven't done. Yes...it is more of his own insecurity than me. But what is my role in this?

I have been 100% faithful. I have not done ANYTHING he has accused me of. I have treated him very good. I have changed so many things trying to accommodate his insecurities. Yet...his mind gets away from him and if one action of mine appears like something else...well all that goes out the door for the moment. On a good note, things have improved since the beginning but sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. It still pops up if the right scenarios come together.

Has anyone else gone through this? Will he ever see me for the woman I have been to him and not the stories people created about me or the dirt of my past that is over 10 years ago? Am I in a losing battle?

thanks


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Well, I'm not 100% sure what the core issue is. Is it the "past" or is it the information his friends told him that are bad. I'm sure they are telling him "of course she is going to lie about it, she's protecting herself, we are your friends, we just care about you, don't be blind....don't be naïve". He has to decide who is lying. If multiple friends are corroborating each others stories it is several person's word against one. 

Is this "past" info something new that you've kept from him. Is there something bad about the past that is a shock to him? Why did you lead with talking about pasts? Is this something that you hid that would have affected him wanting to marry you and you kind of lied and tricked him into marriage by taking away his right to choose? 

If the pasts are irrelevant and each of you slept with a few former boyfriends and girlfriends than I'm not sure why you'd include it in your story. 

About the friends. Unless there is a way to prove what they say is a lie than all you can do is be 100% transparent. Don't disappear, don't not come home at night and not answer your phone and then come home and say I got some drinks with friends after work. Don't keep your phone away from him and keep it password protected. Let him see your phone if he wants and read your texts, be open and keep him informed if you want to disappear for a while. All you can do is be 100% honest, don't hide things you don't think he needs to know and then tell him "I didn't think it was a big deal" when he finds out. Be transparent. 

If there is a way to prove their story is a lie I'd try to do that. It takes time and if you are honest, transparent, open after time he'll see your faithful behavior and learn to trust. 

If you've lied going into the marriage I don't know about that. If you've been willing to lie for years, he may never trust you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MZMEE said:


> Me and husband made the huge mistake of sharing our pasts with each other when we first got together. In addition, when we got together people got so jealous of our union that they ran to him and created all these lies about me to him (his so called friends). Well all that mess lodged in his head and I have endured 2 years of him looking at me with mistrust. My voice just doesn't seem to be louder than the voices of others. He MAKES my actions suspicious. I have gone through being accused of things I haven't done. Yes...it is more of his own insecurity than me. But what is my role in this?
> 
> I have been 100% faithful. I have not done ANYTHING he has accused me of. I have treated him very good. I have changed so many things trying to accommodate his insecurities. Yet...his mind gets away from him and if one action of mine appears like something else...well all that goes out the door for the moment. On a good note, things have improved since the beginning but sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. It still pops up if the right scenarios come together.
> 
> ...


It does sound like this is about your husband's insecurities. 

But it's hard to give you any specific help if we don't have info about the things that his friends are telling him and the things that you revealed to him about your past. Could you share two or three of the things are have been said that are a problem? 

What did you share with him about your past that he's having a problem with?

What are his friends telling him that are lies?

How long did you date your husband before you married him?

Did he know you, or of you, before you started dating?

How old are the two of you?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> It does sound like this is about your husband's insecurities.
> 
> But it's hard to give you any specific help if we don't have info about the things that his friends are telling him and the things that you revealed to him about your past. Could you share two or three of the things are have been said that are a problem?
> 
> ...


Yeah, @EleGirl is right, unless you give us some more information there is not a lot anyone can do to help you. 

Just be aware that some people will freak out about whatever you say, just ignore them. 

I will say this. I don't really believe sharing our sexual past is something the we have to do. Further, unless it is relevant to the current R, I don't really want to share some of that stuff.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

In that case, say you did all the things you are accused of and he should act accordingly. Let him do the research and ease his mind if listening to you doesn't do it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If he is friends with people who actually lie and fabricate stories about you to intentionally defame you, that is a reflection on his character.


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