# My update... It's been a while



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hiya

It's been a while... I logged into my account and saw a lovely message from a regular poster asking how I was so I thought I'd pop on here and update.

My threads are here and here for a (very long!) history... Basically my OH (we're not married but had planned to this year) after a few difficulties in our relationship, had an "inappropriate relationship" with a girl he worked with. Didn't know what he wanted. Messed me about: a lot: and our four children, one of whom was (and still is!) a baby, was five months old at the time.

Broke no contact, I kicked him out.

After that... He moved back in, and we tentatively resumed things. I won't lie, it has been VERY difficult. We started counselling, and initially he was not that interested in being there, and I couldn't seem to make any headway moving forward. I was consumed with thinking he'd lied about things and was still lying. It was slow progress.

However... Fast forward to now. Things, I can safely say, are REALLY good. Better, in fact, than they've ever been! He really took on board a lot of the things we worked on in counselling to make our relationship stronger. He was intent on making things better once he realised he could do things that reassured me and made me feel more secure about the fact he wasn't carrying things on. He has a hell of a lot of patience; I'm not without my faults and found it difficult to open up and not do the "I'm okay" thing when he asked me if anything was wrong.

Yes, I worked on me too. Started going to the gym, and still going. Have lost over a stone and still going, I was never that out of shape but having not long had a baby it really helped to get more trim and I've been getting a lot of attention, which OH has noticed. I also worked on my self-confidence and esteem, and both OH and the counsellor have said they have noticed my confidence and me finding my voice.

We've been spending more time together, just us two, which has been great!

The upshot of this all? Well, now HE is talking about wedding plans, and he was the one stalling previously! We're looking at going away in December time, just me and him, and getting married. 

I suppose that's the only slightly iffy thing about this all... I was dead keen on getting married. He had been dragging his feet, we made plans for this year, then all this happened. He said it was stupid to even think about it with what had happened. Now, he's the complete opposite. Says he has no idea why he'd been putting it off and he loves the idea. 

Oh I think he's genuine. But I must admit I can't help not being as keen on the idea as I was. Treading carefully and all that. What has happened has really taken the shine out of it. Call me a big kid, but I will confess to feeling sad that my memories around getting married will be of him doing what he did then obviously racing to the altar because he's realised I might quite like the attention from elsewhere and get a better offer, or I might just get fed up and leave. I know I'm probably silly to want a bit of romance around it and it is what it is, but still... just something not tainted with what he did would be nice. But hey, what's done is done and I choose to be here...

Hopefully time will take the edge off, but he has worked really hard to support me and do what he can to help me mend.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Congratulations Tobio.

This is truly great news.

If it makes you feel any better, I think all "true" reconciliations have those same sorts of "it could have been better if" situations.

In the end, it makes you value the other person more, because they really did commit to you in the end.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

That’s really good news Tobio. If it helps you I went on with my wife for another 30 years or so after I found her in the arms of another man. I never once regretted staying in the marriage.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

A wedding, does not a marriage make. Not even remotely ...

Best of luck. Very glad to hear that things took a turn for the better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why not agree to it, but put it off til next summer?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

All points read and duly noted, thanks 

It's odd, the dynamic switch. Things are fairly even at the mo. I still wrestle from time to time with little niggles and questions that pop into my head about what happened. He's on the whole very good at dealing with these things now. I look at him sometimes and actually despite what happened I am quite in awe at how much he's changed positively. But despite this there is no denying that he has completely switched on the marriage front.

I don't think he NEVER wanted to get married. It was just always at some undetermined point. I think he realised that actually, I could just up and walk away (I nearly did at one point a while ago which shook him up a lot) and he'd lose everything as he knew it. And realised that actually he had a pretty good lot.

So now HE'S the one pushing on marriage. Wanting to set a date, making plans, getting in the overtime to save for it. At some point a few months ago I resolved not to think or talk about it anymore. Just let it go for a while. I actually set myself a schedule of how long I would wait, and it looks like I won't need it any more now.

It is VERY odd to feel the shift. I don't know if he felt me pull back, he must have. I'm kind of gauging things and seeing how we go. His idea for getting married is actually a very romantic one, just us two, and very meaningful. I think it will all be okay.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Tobio wherever your heart wants to go all you’ve to do is follow it. That’s all. Just don’t let your heart down. Your Heart, nobody else’s.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you read MEM's "thermostat" thread?




tobio said:


> All points read and duly noted, thanks
> 
> It's odd, the dynamic switch. Things are fairly even at the mo. I still wrestle from time to time with little niggles and questions that pop into my head about what happened. He's on the whole very good at dealing with these things now. I look at him sometimes and actually despite what happened I am quite in awe at how much he's changed positively. But despite this there is no denying that he has completely switched on the marriage front.
> 
> ...


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