# Why do women find it VERY important to go to bed at the same time?



## drivingmenutzkma (Sep 12, 2010)

I am wondering why women feel it is so important for their man to go to bed at the same time as they do, even if it is early and nothing to do sexually, simply going to bed? 

Excluding sex, I have been in 3 serious relationships in my life that all 3 women had an issue because they would go to bed (again not wanting sex) and I would come to bed a couple of hours later and it was an issue. I work swing shifts, several hours at a time and in several years I have not had any kind of set sleep pattern. I don't mean anything bad, but I can't always go to bed the same time. I love cuddling and all that, it's nothing personal or against them, I just can't always go to sleep when I have been awake all night working the night before and sleep until 2pm in the afternoon. 

I want to resolve this as I am in a new relationship and I don't want it to be an issue. I would really like some light shed on this. Is it a security issue with them, is it just alone time with them away from kids, I mean I really don't know and seriously asking to hopefully recieve several womens views on this?? Thank you in advance.


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

I'm sort of in the opposite situation. I also work a swing shift but my wife has adjusted in the opposite direction. I've always told her just because I come home late doesn't mean you have to stay up and wait for me. But now, she's up til at least 3am every night, regardless of my work schedule and in spite of the fact our daughter gets up for school at 6:20am. She then goes back to bed and sleeps til whenever. In her defense, she is productive during those late night hours. She's usually on the computer: bills, college tuition stuff, etc. 

My biggest complaint is that I can't get her to go to bed when I do, again, regardless of my schedule. It's probably the biggest reason we're still 0 for 2014.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

As you already mentioned...it's not about sex. It's about intimacy. I almost always prefer that my wife go to bed with me. And when she brings her iPhone or her laptop to bed, it robs me of that husband/wife time...same goes for her. I work all day, she takes care of the kids, all evening we're parents. Bed time is our time to be husband and wife. If we go to bed at different times, we miss out on that time.


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

I dated a gal like this. God forbid I'm not tired when she is, or maybe want/need to hit the sack early.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I am that wife that wants her man in bed with her....I like to feel his body next to mine when we go to bed. We have been married 32yrs and we have slept spooned in the buff since our honeymoon. He is my blanket, he wraps himself around me and holds my breasts and lays his head on top of mine. My world is good with him wrapped around me holding me...it makes me feel secure and complete. Sometimes he gets frisky...sometimes we just cuddle and go to sleep...either way our day ends and begins together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

I think it makes sense when you're living together as partners. The best situation is to have the same sleeping rhythm and the more different it is the more disconnected you'll become as a couple. IMO.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I assume they go to bed around the sane time because of their work schedules. I try to go to bed around the same time each night so I can get up and be at work on time. Also I have a demanding jib, so if I don't get around 7-8 hours of sleep, it affects me and my work. My husband works different shifts and I try to be up when he gets home and go to bed at the same time; however sometimes I just have to go to bed. 

I assume the issue is these women have a sleep schedule they are trying to keep in order to be productive at work etc during the day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

john1068 said:


> As you already mentioned...it's not about sex. It's about intimacy. I almost always prefer that my wife go to bed with me. And when she brings her iPhone or her laptop to bed, it robs me of that husband/wife time...same goes for her. I work all day, she takes care of the kids, all evening we're parents. Bed time is our time to be husband and wife. If we go to bed at different times, we miss out on that time.


This. Couldn't have said it better myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

My wife doesn't care unless we aren't close for some reason. She usually falls asleep before me anyway......I always make sure I hug and kiss her goodnight anyway.


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## EntirelyDifferent (Nov 30, 2012)

drivingmenutzkma said:


> I am wondering why women feel it is so important for their man to go to bed at the same time as they do, even if it is early and nothing to do sexually, simply going to bed?


Not every intimate moment for a woman is _sexual_. Well, this woman, anyway... I can't speak for all of them.  

I don't always go to bed at the same time as my SO, but I do enjoy doing so because I love to stroke and touch his body as I fall asleep, cuddling with him. It's not really a sexual thing for me, it's just comforting and an intimacy that I only get to do with him, and especially important for me if I haven't seen him in a day or so due to our schedules.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I don't understand what this question has to do with having anew girlfriend? She has her own standards of what she needs. Those needs are what you need to figure out before you get to attached. 

If you want a girl who does not need you to fall asleep every night with her.. you need to find who is more independent and doesn't need a teddy bear every night. And they are out there, everywhere. 

Dating is not about changing you.. it's about finding someone who is compatible with you. Some women find it hard to sleep without their man, some women don't find it hard, some women like to fall asleep before their man due to snoring, etc etc etc etc etc. Don't base your 1st 3 relationships on all women. Not every woman requires her H to be caressed against her night in and night out.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

It took me a while to figure out, but it really is all about sex.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I dislike it when I have to go to sleep on my own, it makes me feel unloved and "unsafe". I do not know why it is like this.

When H sleeps besides me I feel much safer - "Hubby is on watch". If some alien or monster or whatever tried to snatch me he had to deal with hubby first. 

It makes no sense like feelings often do.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

john1068 said:


> As you already mentioned...it's not about sex. It's about intimacy. I almost always prefer that my wife go to bed with me. And when she brings her iPhone or her laptop to bed, it robs me of that husband/wife time...same goes for her. I work all day, she takes care of the kids, all evening we're parents. Bed time is our time to be husband and wife. If we go to bed at different times, we miss out on that time.


I've noticed men value this a lot, too. I rarely go to sleep when my husband does. I'm lucky that he never complains about my late hours, but it's because he doesn't complain that I have made a habit of going to bed with him, often reading to him until he falls asleep (after any fooling around, that is!) and then I either can sleep or I get back up.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I think it can be a wonderful bonding time. But it is not a gender specific thing, my partner is as, if not more inclined to make sure we go to bed at the same time. There is something very peaceful about ending the day cuddling and falling into a big, comfortable bed.

We have sex pretty much nightly so going to bed at the same time is the norm here. On the rare occasion that we have agreed to just "sleep" then it is due to complete exhaustion from a busy day. Yesterday we had already DTD twice earlier in the day, had a massive day doing renovations, bike riding and then out for dinner. We agreed as we stumbled to bed that it was sleep time, went to bed together and cuddled ourselves to sleep.

I need skin on skin contact daily, this is part of our highly intimate life together. It is not a female trait or a personality weakness, it is bond building and strengthening for our relationship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I enjoy going to bed with my partner. It's one of the things I miss most now that I'm single. I'm a person who needs affectionate, non-sexual, touching in order to feel loved, and going to bed together is a great, easy, way to fit more of that in. There's something intimate about the little rituals involved in going to bed together, cuddling, falling asleep wrapped in each other's arms. 

But I really don't think this is a gender-specific thing. My ex-husband also _much_ preferred that we go to bed together.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

We usually go to bed together.

Sometimes Mrs Wysh will go quite early, or I might be delayed while on late shift so we miss each other.

We use our bedtime (if we aren't playing Mr Wobbly hides his helmet) to cuddle, spoon and chat about anything we hadn't got round to during the day or to reinforce something already mentioned.

It's a 'close' time for us.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Strange this one.

Your going to find this weird then, I cant remember the last time my husband and I went to bed at the same time.

My husband has to be in work by 4 of a morning, and hes usually back late afternoon, when he comes back he will spend time with me, and spends sometime with the children has his dinner and then he goes to bed.... Probably about 8 the nipper who is 3 goes up with him..... not me tho.... I could not go to bed that early, I know that.

I like to wind down when my younger kids are in bed, watch a bit of t.v, I then go to bed between 11-12.

I cant say my hubby has ever had a problem with this at all, if i am in the mood for sex etc, then i just start on him when i go to bed, and same as him, if hes up for it then he starts on me when i go to bed, even if we both just go to bed just to sleep, I will get in and spoon........

I never saw this as problem, and neither does my hubby..... Then again my hubby does like his sleep and his bed...... I am never in bed before him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

In our case, we both value going to bed together even if one of us gets up after the other is asleep. If he's not tired I feel selfish expecting him to stay in bed with me.
I do expect him to at least come snuggle with me for a bit. It makes me appreciate him even more than I already do.It makes me feel very valued and loved.

We usually have sex after work before dinner bc it's just better that way so the bedtime sex is rare unless it's the weekend. It's the enjoyment of turning the electronics off and having some quiet time to enjoy each other in a non sexual way that makes it a good habit we've established.

Why wouldn't someone want to at least have those few moments with their spouse before they fall asleep? It isn't promised to you that your spouse will wake up the next day. In my mind it's best to make sure you snuggle them instead of getting exasperated that they want you there when they fall asleep.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

This is something I didn't get when my husband and I first started living together. He always wanted us to go to bed at the same time. I was used to being on my own and was like "if you're tired, go to bed, I'll be along in a bit." But he would wait for me so we could go to bed together. The first couple of times, I have to admit, it kind of annoyed me. It took me a while to realize how important of a bonding time it is. It also took me a while to get used to sharing a bed with someone, lol.

But now I know. lol. And I wouldn't miss that for the world.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> I think it can be a wonderful bonding time. But it is not a gender specific thing, my partner is as, if not more inclined to make sure we go to bed at the same time. There is something very peaceful about ending the day cuddling and falling into a big, comfortable bed.
> 
> We have sex pretty much nightly so going to bed at the same time is the norm here. On the rare occasion that we have agreed to just "sleep" then it is due to complete exhaustion from a busy day. Yesterday we had already DTD twice earlier in the day, had a massive day doing renovations, bike riding and then out for dinner. We agreed as we stumbled to bed that it was sleep time, went to bed together and cuddled ourselves to sleep.
> 
> I need skin on skin contact daily, this is part of our highly intimate life together. It is not a female trait or a personality weakness, it is bond building and strengthening for our relationship.


My STBW and I feel the same way. It is our bonding time, even on the rare occasion we don't have sex. Falling asleep holding her close to me is something I wouldn't trade for the world. Even if we've had a fight, we still go to bed together, we still spoon, always kiss. It is just so important to us to have that contact.

It is so important to us in fact that we have turned down opportunities for higher pay shift work in order to maintain the bedtime together. Another thing we hold to is our evening meal. We always eat together, even if one of us is going to be home really late, the other will wait so we don't eat alone. I really think this has helped us maintain the levels of intimacy in our relationship, and is a huge reason we have sex 10+ times a week.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

When I was married, I used to fall asleep on the couch every night, just so I could be in the same with him as he watched TV.

He would wake me up when he was ready to go to bed.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

We always go to bed together. We actually do usually have sex at bedtime or in the morning before getting up. We so use to being in our bed together that when I get up to nurse he usually wakes up too and maybe read email or something until I put the baby back down and get back in bed.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

john1068 said:


> As you already mentioned...it's not about sex. * It's about intimacy. I almost always prefer that my wife go to bed with me. And when she brings her iPhone or her laptop to bed, it robs me of that husband/wife time...same goes for her. I work all day, she takes care of the kids, all evening we're parents. Bed time is our time to be husband and wife. If we go to bed at different times, we miss out on that time*.


My husband wants me to go to bed with him too....in the past I did most of the time but had a book in my hands.. this could be like that iphone or laptop which steals the intimacy... .I regret this looking back....

Usually I am not as tired as him, so I get up after he falls asleep but we never miss the intimacy...not in the last 5 yrs... those hours are ours...to wind down, hold each other, talk about our day...he gets my undivided attention till he is :sleeping: ...
and like the cherry on top - when it leads to







.



> *mineforever said*:* I am that wife that wants her man in bed with her....I like to feel his body next to mine when we go to bed. We have been married 32yrs and we have slept spooned in the buff since our honeymoon. He is my blanket, he wraps himself around me and holds my breasts and lays his head on top of mine. My world is good with him wrapped around me holding me...it makes me feel secure and complete. Sometimes he gets frisky...sometimes we just cuddle and go to sleep...either way our day ends and begins together.*


Love it - so Romantic !


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

This has been an issue since the beginning of our marriage, (almost 24 years). I probably can count on one hand the times we went to bed together in the past year. It's probably been like that every year before that too. I don't even go to bed early, 10:30-11:00 but he always comes to bed after me when I'm asleep.

I remember in the first years crying alone in bed, (while he was playing computer games), wondering why he didn't want to spend time with me. I would talk to him about it and he would feel guilty and come to bed, then he would be back at the computer the next night or week. I just finally gave up. I was tired of making someone do something they obviously didn't want to do. 

Two reasons I think it's important going to bed at the same time:

1. Spend some together alone without kids around. In our daily interactions one of the kids is ALWAYS around or he's in his office and I discovered that we can't have a conversation in there because he's distracted. In bed, we can talk and catch up without interruption and distraction.

2. He stays up way too late and doesn't get enough sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, I get sick. I tried to explain this to him a few weeks ago because he's been sick with a cold twice this past fall. "That's an old wives tale," he says but guess who got sick over New Years?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife needs 8 hours of sleep a day - she works the other 16 hours :lol:

I barely need 6 hours a day and prefer the 2 extra hours alone at night. It's not like I'm missing out on any action...

Some people do have different needs for sleep. It's not all about intimacy. With a king size bed she does not get disturbed when I go to bed at night. 

Sleep is a bad idea in general. As a teenager I always slept very late then woke up late. Same thru college. My wife did the college late nights but prefers her zzz's now.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I work the midnight shift, so my wife and I only sleep in the bed together two nights a week. On those days it's very important to me at least that we go to bed together at the same time. I like working the night shift but I do miss having my wife in bed with me every time.


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

minimalME said:


> When I was married, I used to fall asleep on the couch every night, just so I could be in the same with him as he watched TV.
> 
> He would wake me up when he was ready to go to bed.


I have been instructed to never, ever wake my wife when she I sleeping on the couch.

We sued to go to bed at the same time all the time, and it was very important. Now, even if I say I'll go, too, after she heads for bed, she finds something to keep her up. I just assume she's afraid I might try to get something sexual started. We certainly can't have that.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well, I like going to bed together but its a strugle I am a horrible sleeper and wake up multiple time during the night I thrash and toss about like a fish out of water. I am always worried I am keeping her awake. If I fall asleep on the couch I seem to sleep better with less wake ups. 

no I don't have sleep apena I'm not over weight and I have always been this way I feel well rested in the morn even though Its seems I don't sleep well.

latley I have been trying to go to sleep with her when she goes and it has been not so bad.


early in our marriage we would fall asleep watching tv and when she would wake me to go to bed she would also have a fairly long list of things to do just before bed .(put lotion on go to the bathroom make sure the doors were locked check on the cat check to make sure all the lights were off. etc,etc) and by the time she climbed into bed I would be wide awake so i told her if I fall asleep on the couch leave me alone. But it does take away from bonding intamacy and thats why I try to go to bed with her now.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm always in bed before my husband....this way I can relax...read a good book or catch up on my studying. 

It doesn't bother me whenever my h comes to bed....he comes when he's ready.


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

This used to bother me a lot more than it does now. For me it's a bonding time that I get to share with him. It really is an intimacy thing, not a sexual thing. It makes me feel safe somehow knowing he is lying in bed next to me. Even if we don't share that kind of closeness all day, we share it at night just by going to bed at the same time. Plus I think it's better for our sex life. We're more likely to have one thing lead to another if we go to bed at the same time than if I'm already asleep when he comes upstairs. 

That said, I don't get super upset about it like I did as a newlywed. Sometimes I like having the bed to myself.


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

1812overture said:


> I have been instructed to never, ever wake my wife when she I sleeping on the couch.





chillymorn said:


> ... so i told her if I fall asleep on the couch leave me alone. But it does take away from bonding intamacy and thats why I try to go to bed with her now.


My husband won't wake me up if I fall asleep on the couch anymore. Not because I've told him not to but because when I'm asleep, I startle easily. He's afraid of scaring me, lol. Too many times I've awoken with a gasp and, he says, a terrified look on my face. :rofl:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband is the one who seems to think we should always go to bed at the same time. Well not ALWAYS, but he's more likely to get upset about it than I am. If I go to bed and haven't told him I am doing so he gets upset too. I like to read to fall asleep, and so does he, so we usually both end up awake in bed at the same time anyway.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I prefer my H to go to bed at the same time so my feet will stay warm!


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