# Just left- struggling to make a final decision



## pittyparty (Jul 2, 2013)

I left. 

My husband and I have been struggling for a very long time- most of our 8 year relationship. 

A little background:

He has 4 children prior to our 2. None of which he has seen in over 7 years. 

He hid the fact that he was still married- although they had been separated for a while. As well as the fact that he had all those kids.

Each time I found out it hurt, but I stood by him and encouraged him to do the right thing. to date he has not done so. 

We have 2 girls together 6 and 2. He adopted my 12 year old son. 

He is basically very bad with money. He is impulsive to the point we are always behind. 

I believe he loves me. I believe he wants to change. I do not believe he is capable. Who am I to decide that? 

I feel pity for him because of his less than preferable upbringing and I don't want to be another person who said they loved him and left. (Both of his parents are selfish people)

Now to me:

I am depressed, physically ill (don't eat, etc) 

I have tried to forgive him for the lies, withholdings of truth, impulsive spending, false promises, etc. BUT I am just unable to do so. 

He has now offered counseling. Initially I thought I wanted to do it, I asked him if we could do it in the past and he didn't believe we had issues that required counseling...

I know it's going to affect my children. Life is going to be just as hard financially but I feel like I will be able to truly be happy if I don't have him working against me when it comes to money decisions. 

What are the questions I should be asking myself????


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You should be asking why you allowed him to dodge counseling previously and did not take steps to force him into it after the _enormous_ lies and hurt he has caused you. Why would you be so quick to forgive such things without evidence on his part of a change in behavior? Why did you depend on him for your identity to the point where you would put up with this huge lie? What in your past has shaped you to have unhealthy boundaries and to accept unacceptable behavior? Why are you dependent upon him?

Most of your post was about him...stop focusing on him and focus on yourself. You left. You had every reason to do so and I think most people would applaud that decision. What took you so long? Are you in therapy?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

pittyparty said:


> I left.
> 
> My husband and I have been struggling for a very long time- most of our 8 year relationship.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he's impulsive with more than money.

What was his childhood like?


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