# Adult "Child". Seeking advise on how to let go



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

I am semi-retired, divorced (5 years) was married for 30 years, have a biological son (28) and a step-son (43) from the marriage. I am living comfortably in my own apartment, happily single, financially sound, and looking forward to moving on with my life in relative peace and independence.

My son (28) is a college graduate, has moved about 1 hour away, has a decent job, his own apartment, his own circle of friends, and takes care of his own business, as I have raised him to be independent. He needs occasional help from me (financially as well as advise) and I don’t begrudge him either as he still has student loans to pay back. I am very proud of his efforts and support him in any way I can.

My problem/question is in regards to my step-son (43). Let’s call him “Joe”. I do love him, even though his father and I are divorced. He has some psychological issues; it’s as if he simply graduated from HS and stopped maturing. He shows no desire to become independent, he is unmotivated, He doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t even drink coffee (lol), doesn’t date or form friendships, and has lost jobs due to sudden outbursts of temper (just like his father), so he is a bit unstable. I have tried to offer him guidance over the years, and although he “hears” me, the pattern repeats.

For the past 5 years, he has lived with his father who has tried to get him to move out as his father has remarried. Long story short, Joe finally has moved out into his own apartment in the next town (probably arranged by his dad).

Here’s my problem. “Joe” is trying very hard to build a relationship with me again, requesting that I come see his new apartment and/or have dinner with him. Almost daily I receive a text message from him in regards to either request. At first I responded, only to say I am busy – maybe later – I’ll let you know. Now I am inclined to ignore the messages. He seems desperate to me. I’m torn between “tough love” and genuinely caring about him, but I keep telling myself that, at his age, he needs to learn to be independent and I need to let him go. And, to be honest here, I do fear that he is attempting to be manipulative here, to “control” this parent (me) for future financial assistance when he needs it, so he doesn’t have to be responsible for his own life.

So I am looking for advise. What would you do? Has anyone has a similar experience? Am I being bad for deliberately ignoring his text messages? How does one deal with a grown “child”, and is there a way to finally get the message across that I don’t want to be his “new companion”, I’m not interested in “hanging out” with him, I do love him, but he needs to move on? Thanks in advance for any insight you can provide.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You love him, but you seem to be intimating that you want nothing to do with him?

You want him to move on. But what do you want him to move on *from*? 

From thinking of you as his mother?

As you were his mother/step mother from the time he was 13 that might be difficult for him.

If you do not want him in your life, perhaps you need to be honest with yourself and with him and tell him that and block his number, rather than stringing him along?

Because not wanting to even have one meal with him looks as if there could be a fairly deep problem here.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You love him, but you seem to be intimating that you want nothing to do with him?
> 
> You want him to move on. But what do you want him to move on *from*?
> 
> ...


I hear you and thanks Matt! We do have meals together occasionally. And we do communicate. And I do want him in my life, but I don't want to be his primary and only "friend", as I feel that in doing so, he will not make any effort to seek other relationships. You see, I have tried to convey to both sons that I won't live forever, and I want (for both sons) to be independent. 

The thing is that we have continued with the mother/son relationship since the separation/divorce. However, the dynamics have changed (in my opinion) when he left (or was forced) out of his father's house. He would still be there if not for his father finding him an apartment and moving him out.

My fear is in relations to "dependency". At 43, I sincerely want him to be free to seek out other relationships, to grow, to mature, and I don't want to hold him back from that in any way. True, I don't want to reject him, or hurt him. But I also don't want for him to "settle" for the status-quo and simply stop growing - which has been his pattern in his 43 years. I'm trying to find a way to break the pattern, even if it means I deliberately reduce contact with him and "let him go". What other options do I have?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I hear you and thanks Matt! We do have meals together occasionally. And we do communicate. And I do want him in my life, but I don't want to be his primary and only "friend", as I feel that in doing so, he will not make any effort to seek other relationships. You see, I have tried to convey to both sons that I won't live forever, and I want (for both sons) to be independent.
> 
> The thing is that we have continued with the mother/son relationship since the separation/divorce. However, the dynamics have changed (in my opinion) when he left (or was forced) out of his father's house. He would still be there if not for his father finding him an apartment and moving him out.
> 
> My fear is in relations to "dependency". At 43, I sincerely want him to be free to seek out other relationships, to grow, to mature, and I don't want to hold him back from that in any way. True, I don't want to reject him, or hurt him. But I also don't want for him to "settle" for the status-quo and simply stop growing - which has been his pattern in his 43 years. I'm trying to find a way to break the pattern, even if it means I deliberately reduce contact with him and "let him go". What other options do I have?


I think he needs counselling.

His father got divorced twice, maybe he blames himself for his father's divorces?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You haven’t given much information here so it’s only reading between the lines that anyone can make a suggestion.
I think you have some deeply felt resentment of Joe and in reality you want nothing to do with him
Did you and him have problems when you initially started dating his father.
Why did you divorce his father.
Was there any suggestion of favoritism between your son and stepson.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I think he needs counselling.
> 
> His father got divorced twice, maybe he blames himself for his father's divorces?


He does need counselling. That was suggested to him many years ago, however he doesn't seem to want to try to get help.

And I don't know if he blames himself for the divorces (at least not mine - as he does know the reasons and it was not him), however he did suffer a very traumatic experience when his father divorced his mother.

Many years ago, his dad was married to his mom. The short version (that I heard) was that his father caught his mother cheating and they decided to separate. My ex sought advise from an attorney in regards to child custody and support. After discussing his options with the attorney, my ex decided to quit his job one day, pack up his and Joe's clothing, took Joe out of school and moved to another State in order to retain full custody as the Mom did not have the means to fight it. My Ex then had full custody of Joe.

It was heartbreaking as, over the years, Joe has had no contact with his Mom. She married her affair partner and has no more children. And yes, I fully understand the psychological effect this has had on Joe, and it breaks my heart. I have often suggested counselling, as well as "distance" from his Dad, who was abusive and cruel. 

I did not understand much of the history until I was already married and pregnant, and I tried very hard in the marriage to protect and educate both sons as to their options, which is why the bio-son now lives independently. Joe - not so much.

And, if we really want to understand the psychology - I was one of six siblings. Of the six, the older 3 (me included), became independent of our parents, moved on, got married, held jobs, raised children etc. The younger 3 never moved out (until my Dad passed away and the house was sold). They remained dependent and had the same "attitude?" as Joe in that they graduated HS and never matured beyond that point. This is the reason I was adamant in regards to my bio-son that he never allow himself to be dependent on me (as an adult) and this is why I have such strong concern about allowing Joe to be dependent on me.

And yes, because of Joe's issues, I do believe that there is some resentment as to his half-brother, but I don't know if it's that even fixable. :frown2:


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> You haven’t given much information here so it’s only reading between the lines that anyone can make a suggestion.
> I think you have some deeply felt resentment of Joe and in reality you want nothing to do with him
> Did you and him have problems when you initially started dating his father.
> Why did you divorce his father.
> Was there any suggestion of favoritism between your son and stepson.


When I first married Joe's father, I fell in love with both of them. My heart went out to Joe and I was committed to being the Mom he didn't have. It broke my heart to learn that he had no contact with his bio-mom, had issues at that time, and I wish I had the freedom to have done more for him.

The problem (and I will refer you to the brief "history" I posted to Matt), was that my Ex had control, "anger" issues, that I was not aware of until after the marriage. It was told to me by the my Ex that I was not to interfere with the discipline in regards to "his" son - Joe. (That did change in regards to "our" son - as I stood my ground). And yes, I do see where Joe observed a difference in guidance and probably did resent that his brother. I too was afraid of my Ex's temper and adjusted my own behavior to avoid conflict.

The actual divorced happened due to catching my Ex cheating on me (the second time). The first time we did separate, but I was concerned about our son still being a minor and the custody arrangement and the fear that what happened to Joe could happen to our son. We reconciled (then). The second time, our son was no longer a minor and already out of the house, so I went through with the divorce. 

I suppose that "favoritism" could have been a factor in that my Ex felt he had sole control of Joe, so I took it upon myself to guide, protect and raise our other son away from the temper of his father.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some similarities between your situation and mine.

I have a step son who 31. I raised him from age 12 as his mother abandoned him and his sister. I also have a son from my previous marriage who is now 29.

My son still lives at home with me because he’s working on his PhD in physics. His fellowship does not pay much. I promised him that as long as he’s being productive with his education I’d help him out. He’s hard working; has friends and an active social life as well. I had no financial help when I was in college, had to work full time and go to school full time until I joined the Army for the GI Bill. It was hard to put it mildly and I don’t want my son to go through the same thing. He’s gone much further than I did because of the help his father (my ex) and I have given him. I suspect he will be moving out once he’s done with his PhD in a year or two. He already has offers in other state for when he’s completed the PhD.

Now on to my step son. He’s a mess. I think he stopped growing emotionally at about age 9. 

Now on to step sons. Keep in mind in mind with your step son that when a child suffers a harsh emotional shock, they often do not mature emotionally beyond the age in which they experienced the shock. This is probably the immaturity that you are seeing in your step son. Add to the loss of his mother, the abuse his father heaped on him. Your stepson’s state of being is predicable. It’s also very understanding why he cannot make and keep friends. After all, the two people who were supposed to love and protect him did neither. Why would he trust anyone, ever?

You seem to have been a good influence on him, perhaps the only person who has ever really shown him love. No wonder he’s trying to keep some contact with you.

My stepson has some similar issues in that his mother abandoning him seems to have hurt him beyond repair. He’s stuck at about the emotional level of 9 years old, when his mother walked out. He also has some disorder like BPD and will not get any help for it. He did join the Army after high school, went to Iraq and now has been diagnosed with PTSD and Traumatic Brain Injury. Though I’m not sure that he actually he has either because his behavior now just like it was before the Army. But he’s on 100% disability. He a heavy user of illegal drugs. He could afford a modest home (could buy one). He could go to college and have it 100% paid for. Instead he lives by floating from friend’s house to house. And his friends are very scary people. Basically he’s a huge problem.

His father is in full ‘tough love’ mode and will seldom even talk to him. I can understand why.
He sees me as is mother and has told me so. He refuses to talk to his real mother anymore. I’m the one he calls when he needs something. At this point he is not even allowed to know where I live. I moved in 1/2015 and will not give him my new address. This is because he has stolen valuable things from me to sell to support his drug habit. He also used to bring his ‘friends’ over. They are dangerous people and I do not want them around. I had told him to not bring them around, but he ignored me and did anyway. The situation with my stepson is horrible to put it mildly. He has convictions for drugs and other things, I won’t go into all that but just want you to know the level of “horrible”.

So, he no longer knows where I, his father and my son live.

I do help him from time to time. It’s always on my terms. I only see him in public places with none of his friends around.

For example, last month he blew his entire income in the first week of the month. I then loaned him $300 so he’d have food for the month. And the stipulation was that I locked him out of his bank accounts so when he’s paid on 5/1/18 I get my $300 back. He’s asked me to manage his bank accounts, so he cannot blow his money like that. In the past I’ve tried this and within about 2 weeks he wants control of the accounts back. We’ll see how it goes. I hope that he will allow me to do that, so he can get a small apartment and start living like a human. But I don’t think that will happen. This is the last time I will try to help him in this way.

Now you know where I am coming from in the rest of my post here.

I would gladly trade my stepson for yours. It sounds like your step son is not a bad person. He’s just damaged and is predicable with what he suffered as a child. Some people flourish despite what their parents did to them; others are broken by what their parents did to them. Your stepson was broken by his parents. But he’s not a bad person.

I can understand you not wanting to be his crutch. But my take on it is that you are going beyond not wanting to be his crutch. You seem to think that the only way to ensure that an adult child becomes independent is to have as little contact with them as possible. You also seem to resent that the only reason your step son moved out of his father’s house is that his father made him leave. Well, adult children need that push. Perhaps his father should have done that a long time ago. My take on it is that your step son remained dependent on his abusive father because he’s operating at the level of about 13 years old and he has a strong need for his father, even if his father is abusive.

I would think that dinner, or some outing, with your step son once a month or so would not hurt the independence that you rightly want him to develop. It would also be good for both of you in keeping your family ties. And maybe, just maybe, if he knew that he was going to see you every few weeks, he might quit the constant asking. After all, one mother abandoned him years ago, he probably now feels like you are abandoning him. 

And if he asks for money, set strict boundaries for yourself and let him know what they are.

Sometimes, the way to encourage independence is to set clear parameters. Let him know that you will see him once a month (or some schedule). That way he does not feel panicked and a need to constantly call you to get your attention.

On the other hand, I think you need to do some deep soul searching because it sounds like your stepson’s independence is not really the issue here. It sounds like you just don’t want him in your life at all and are not willing to fact that. If you just want him out of your life. Then be honest about it and make that happen. Right now, you are stinging him along by being indecisive. Either embrace him as your step son and see him, say once a month for dinner, or just end the relationship.

I would trade stepsons with you in a heartbeat.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There are some similarities between your situation and mine.
> 
> I can understand you not wanting to be his crutch. But my take on it is that you are going beyond not wanting to be his crutch. You seem to think that the only way to ensure that an adult child becomes independent is to have as little contact with them as possible. You also seem to resent that the only reason your step son moved out of his father’s house is that his father made him leave. Well, adult children need that push. Perhaps his father should have done that a long time ago. My take on it is that your step son remained dependent on his abusive father because he’s operating at the level of about 13 years old and he has a strong need for his father, even if his father is abusive.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really touched me deeply in many ways.

I don't "resent" that his father had to kick him out as much as I am concerned that he "had to". What I mean is that, in a "perfect world" (yes, I know), I had hope that Joe would have wanted to move out on his own accord. About a year ago, Joe told me his father wanted him to move out and he asked me if I could help him find something. Of course, I would help. I inquired as to how much he could afford, what location he was looking for, etc. I was very supportive and looked around on line to see what I could find. Then, everything was put on hold as he lost his job and had to seek new employment again. Actually I am glad that he now has his own place and a new job and I pray he doesn't lose his temper again and lose this new job and the apartment. This has happened before.

And yes, I would be more than happy to spend time with him once or twice a month and have a mother/son dinner and visits. I do keep in contact with him and always try to be kind to him. This latest concern (thread) revolves around a rather manic, everyday thing that is new to me to handle. I detected more than just normal contact, but panic and a desire to take control over how often we see each other and was resisting this effort of his because, quite frankly, he does possess some of his father's anger issues and it scares me. I certainly do not want to hurt him. Nor do I want to encourage an every day dependency either. I realize he is scared of being on his own, but some of this a normal reaction to a new independent life. 

And, as with your story, I do appreciate how things could be worse, and am grateful for the many issues that he does and does not bring to the table. Perhaps I have enjoyed the "empty-nest" syndrome a bit too much...lol But I am thankful for your insight and I do intend to be kind and loving to him. That hasn't or won't change. This latest is just a "step-back to evaluate" what direction to go in. It's only been the last week that I have declined dinner as it got rather "manic" and it scared me ( a familiar trait that his father possesses and I no longer have any desire to "deal" with).

Thank you again for your kind words and help. I will take them to heart.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't see why you can't tell him exactly what you wrote in the first few posts. You love him and you want to spend some time with him, but you want him to be independent and have his own full life. You want him to develop his own social circle and activities. You don't want him to become dependent on you. So you are happy to have the occasional meal or get together with him, but because of those reasons and your own busy life it will have to be kept occasional.

Basically, you set a boundary with him in a positive way.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You sound just like our girlfriend. Her son is in his late 30's and she still supports him, buys his cars, feeds him and even buys his underwear. He ends up quitting every job as soon as something angers him. He knows that mommy is there to support him. The problem is that he has not job skills that would allow him to make enough to support himself. His mother wanted to live with me and my wife but she wanted her son to come too and we said no. We did not want a grown man living with us. We never had kids so having a male adult would totally disrupt our lifestyle. My wife would have to be completely dressed all the time and he would hear us having sex, etc.. Since we had been intimate with his mother for 30 years it would be awkward to show any intimacy in front of him. Our girlfriend made a choice between us and her son when we moved. She broke up a 30 year relationship because she refused to let go of her son. If you Google the subject of mothers enabling their sons you will find a lot to read about. You can start off by reading this:https://www.livestrong.com/article/562446-parents-who-try-to-keep-their-children-dependent/


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Thor said:


> I don't see why you can't tell him exactly what you wrote in the first few posts. You love him and you want to spend some time with him, but you want him to be independent and have his own full life. You want him to develop his own social circle and activities. You don't want him to become dependent on you. So you are happy to have the occasional meal or get together with him, but because of those reasons and your own busy life it will have to be kept occasional.
> 
> Basically, you set a boundary with him in a positive way.


Thank you! I was considering doing this, however, because I do love him AND he seems to be in a "manic" mode, I was holding off until such time as it was "safe" to tell him this. Of course my main objective is not to hurt him. And, I can't (or won't) let him take advantage of me either. And yes, I do not want him to become dependent on me, either financially or socially. The tough call is in the timing...lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> I don't "resent" that his father had to kick him out as much as I am concerned that he "had to". What I mean is that, in a "perfect world" (yes, I know), I had hope that Joe would have wanted to move out on his own accord.


Clearly I did not state that right. What you wrote is what I understand is your position on this.

I feel for you as I know how hard all of this is.

I wonder if Joe could handle a pet. He sounds desperate for a connection. A pet can often fill that void.

Is he responsible enough to handle a dog? Also would his temper issues be a problem with a dog?

The one constant good in my stepson's life is that one time when he was in jail they got him involved in training dogs what will go out for adoption. He's not responsible enough to handle a pet. But he loves the time he spends at the shelter training dogs. It's amazing how he turns into a kind and loving person when he's with them. Even though he's no longer on probation, he still continues helping at the shelter so he can spend time with the dogs.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Vinnydee said:


> You sound just like our girlfriend. Her son is in his late 30's and she still supports him, buys his cars, feeds him and even buys his underwear. He ends up quitting every job as soon as something angers him. He knows that mommy is there to support him. The problem is that he has not job skills that would allow him to make enough to support himself. His mother wanted to live with me and my wife but she wanted her son to come too and we said no. We did not want a grown man living with us. We never had kids so having a male adult would totally disrupt our lifestyle. My wife would have to be completely dressed all the time and he would hear us having sex, etc.. Since we had been intimate with his mother for 30 years it would be awkward to show any intimacy in front of him. Our girlfriend made a choice between us and her son when we moved. She broke up a 30 year relationship because she refused to let go of her son. If you Google the subject of mothers enabling their sons you will find a lot to read about. You can start off by reading this:https://www.livestrong.com/article/562446-parents-who-try-to-keep-their-children-dependent/


Exactly! Joe has no job skills. He does overnight stocking at a retail store. He has been fired for losing his temper (more than once) and shows no ambition to seek new employment until his funds run out, and even then he lacks motivation.

When he was in HS, we tried to set him in the direction of a career. He said he wanted to be a detective. We encouraged him to go through police training and/or the military as those careers would put in the right direction. He went to neither.

Yes, I fear he will lose his job (again) and lose his apartment (again) and will look in my direction for a roof over his head and financial support, especially since he burnt his bridge with his Dad, but I am not willing to "enable" this lifestyle, so I would have to opt out of this sort of support.

But, of course, I love him so it's a tough call.

My other son wrecked his car on his way to visit me on Mother's Day a few years ago. He never asked me for help. He felt lost and defeated and worried. So yes, I did give him some funds to buy another car - so he could get to work - and pay his own rent and bills. He was grateful and neither of us mentioned this transaction to Joe, since he was living with his Dad at the time.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You sound just like our girlfriend. Her son is in his 40's and she still supports him, buys his cars, feeds him and even buys his underwear. He ends up quitting every job as soon as something angers him. He knows that mommy is there to support him. The problem is that he has no job and people or social skills that would allow him to make it on his own at this point. His mother wanted to retire with my wife and I, but refused to leave her son on his own. We are living in the tropics sipping Pina Coladas surrounded by farms and horse ranches, while she is still working in her 60's to support her son. However, what can she do at this point. She made him the way he is and at his age he is not going to change. He cannot even get a decent job that would pay enough for him to support himself. His mom got him two jobs, one as a Forest Ranger with Government Benefits but he did not like taking orders so he quit. Too late for him at his age. Not many companies want to hire a 40+ person in a entry position.

If you Google the subject of mothers enabling their sons you will find a lot to read about. You can start off by reading this:https://www.livestrong.com/article/562446-parents-who-try-to-keep-their-children-dependent/


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Clearly I did not state that right. What you wrote is what I understand is your position on this.
> 
> I feel for you as I know how hard all of this is.
> 
> ...


As to a pet - I don't know. We, as a family, had a cat many years ago, and Joe was very upset when it died. Since then, nothing. His father's new wife brought a couple small dogs to the household, but Joe never spoke to me about what goes on in that household (on orders from his Dad). A little "Facebook Snooping" on my part revealed what little I know of the household, including the dogs. I don't know that Joe would be responsible enough, but I will suggest it to him. He can decide.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He sounds like he may be a bit on the Aspergers scale. If that is the case, some training may help him a lot. Coping skills and strategies, as well as explaining clearly (without blaming) that certain ways of dealing with people don't work.

In addition, if he does have Aspergers, explaining to his boss may help his boss better interact with him. I don't know much about the topic other than they have difficulty interacting with people because they perceive and process differently than the rest of us.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Thor said:


> He sounds like he may be a bit on the Aspergers scale. If that is the case, some training may help him a lot. Coping skills and strategies, as well as explaining clearly (without blaming) that certain ways of dealing with people don't work.
> 
> In addition, if he does have Aspergers, explaining to his boss may help his boss better interact with him. I don't know much about the topic other than they have difficulty interacting with people because they perceive and process differently than the rest of us.


I will have to look into that further. He hasn't been diagnosed with anything and I doubt I can convince him to see a doctor, but you do have a point in that something is off with his behavior. I do think a lot of his problems stems from his relationship with his father (psychological), but he seems to be "set in his ways" and to convince him that he could do better will be a challenge.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If Joe has a disability, like Asperger, there might be programs that can help him. One of my sisters worked for years in programs that helped people with disabilities find jobs and keep them. Later in her career she taught at a University to train social workers to do this type of work. I know that there are government programs that fund these programs.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

How about getting Joe a life coach? It has to learn to be independent, emotionally as well as financially. He is feeling abandoned and lonely and the tough love approach of throwing him out and ignoring him probably isn't going to fix him.

A life coach can work with him on job skills, financial skills and social skills. Do a bit of research on it and maybe send what you find to the ex, maybe Joe just needs to actually be taught the right skills.


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