# Can't Get Her Past Out Of My Head



## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

Trying to figure out how to deal with jealous feelings about my GF's past. Logically I know that what happened before we met is in the past, but certain parts I just can't get over. We are both divorced, in our mid-40's and have similar backgrounds in that we both suffered abuse in our teens. The abuse led both of us to act out promiscuously. In addition, after our respective divorces we both made some really poor choices in regards to acting out with random people. We were both active in church before our divorces, fell away for a few years and then came back to our faith. The topic of faith was brought up on the first date and was the thing that jump started our relationship. 

About a month ago we had a really nice, long conversation about our past. We have decided to get engaged and wanted to make sure that neither one of us was shocked about the other's past. Neither one of us went into details, gave ballpark figures of how many people we had slept with and agreed to move forward from here and not judge our past. But it appears that there is one year that my GF seems to block from her memory. Coming off of a bad breakup she spent about 9 months in a number of short term FWB arrangements. So the first time we talked about our numbers 6 months ago, she told me that she slept with 6 men after her divorce (over the course of 15 years, she did not date much). Then last month when we laid it all out on the table she told me about three more that were the short term FWB's in that bad year, plus a one night stand she had on a business trip. 

I swallowed hard, remembering my own indiscretions after a bad breakup and let it go. She was willing to give me grace about her past, so I will give her grace about hers. It's very hard to think that this smart, professional woman who is well known in her field had this secret life for 9 months. Things chewed me up inside for a couple of weeks, but I finally was able to let it go. I had to remember that these events took place almost 4 years ago. 

So a couple of days ago, she gives me access to an old smartphone that we found while cleaning out a closet. She wanted me to clean up some files, upload some pictures and other misc. things to her main computer. While cleaning things up I happened to notice some old emails that had a CraigsList posting in the subject line (She had multiple email accounts and this was one of the things that she wanted me to do, clean up an email account that she hadn't used in a few years). These were from that time period 4 years ago. Instead of going out on a few dates with guys from POF or ******* that turned into FWB arrangement like she told me, she was actively trolling for guys on the "Casual Encounters" section of Craigslist. From quickly scanning the emails, it appears that she slept with a bunch more men than she told me about. Do I ask her about it or let it go? Some of the ads she posted were very graphic in regards to what she was looking for. 

I honestly think that she has just tried to block that year from her memory. When I met her she was actively attending church, going to counseling and in a very good place overall. From piecing together the puzzle it was a very rough year for her and she did a number of things that were out of character for her. She started drinking too much, went out and got a tattoo, had to deal with a houseful of unruly teenagers plus took on a very stressful year long work project. Her outlet to relief the stress was sex. Trying to extend grace to her, but some of the details that I saw are tough to shake. This is an otherwise very healthy relationship. We found a church to attend together, do quiet times and pray together everyday. In all ways just the best relationship either one of us has ever had.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't have any advice for you as it seems that men who suffer from retroactive jealousy aren't able to shake the thoughts and feelings by using logical and rational thought.

I will say that you should not get married unless you are able to manage your retroactive jealousy. It's not fair to her, and you will always be torn up inside when you think about this, and you will think about this all the time. 

The only thing I've seen online that can maybe help some people with RJ is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). You might want to look into that.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Glad you're here. I don't have infidelity in my long term relationship and my wife and I have really only had one or two partners so I want to get that out first.

To me this is obvious and it isn't really about your feelings about her past. The difficult thing here is trusrt and honesty.

Given both of your pasts, I think it is imperative that you start with good counseling (may have to see several people to find a good one). You need to work on honest and open communications to maintain a heakthy relationship.

Your gut feeling is telling you something but it isn't the sex or jealousy. You too have acted out.

Instead I hear fears that she could be duplicitous and be a good liar. You might be too. You need to establish boundaries on what is acceptable in your marriage and stick to them somehow.

Yes that is a huge thing! I bet if she had said - I'm very ashamed of my behavior but the fact is I was not in control and was trying to fill in an empty feeling and did it the wrong way. I ended up with many more partners and in a very risky way and it's not something I ever want to do again. The. You could get details, put it on the table, and discuss why this was a one time thing.

The problem is there is a huge disparity between what she told you and what she did. She could be ashamed, or she could have enjoyed it. You don't know.

I am not saying this is a bad relationship. But you do need honesty or you are not really building a marriage and partnership together.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Come on Norajane, labeling the OP as having a RJ problem is not being fair.

When he and the Fiancé sat down before under the premise that they were going to be honest with each other he dealt with it like an adult, recognizing his own past, her acceptance of it, and he afforded her the same respect.

What we have here is a women who outright lied to her future husband about something they both agreed to be 100% honest about.

OP, I would honestly get your thoughts in order.
Recognize that she might be ashamed of that part of her past and that you should approach her with some empathy and understanding.

Have an adult conversation where you say what you found and, personally, I would make a point that she should not be lying to you about these things. You are there to support her and she needs to be honest with you about things, especially when you both agree to delve into your pasts.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If you find your partner can lie to you and maintain the lie, then trust is broken. Once that happens it is sometimes impossible to restore the trust. You end up questioning everything - including your past together - and it taints even your memories and history.

Explain why this is important - and figure out how to maintain openness and honesty. There must be transparency.

It could be she gave you the phone to tell you this - that would be a very good sign in terms of her willingness to be open. But she should have warned you then. Find out what her intentions were.

Don't let this turn into a negative discussion with her accusing you of not trusting her. If that happens, tell her your trust was violated and you need her to help you regain that trust. Only she can do it.

Btw - carefully think about your own past and do not rug sweep anything either!

Good luck


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I really don't think this has anything to do with retroactive jealousy. It has to do with the fact that she outright lied, even though they both had a presumably "open and honest" conversation about their pasts. The problem is, her side of the convo wasn't open and honest. His was.

OP, you really must address this. No, you shouldn't just let it go. Otherwise you are both living with a lie and allowing her to think she "got away with it" makes you complicit.

Tell her exactly what you told us. "While cleaning up your files, I found... blah blah blah. We need to talk about this. Why did you feel you could not share this with me?"

Give her the chance to explain and apologize. It probably really is due to guilt and shame. But lying isn't a solution. Her reaction will be very telling as to whether or not you can build a life with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Define what your issue is, man.

Is the issue:

- her number of partners? 
- that she was actively looking for casual hookups?
- that she didn't tell you everything?
- that you're worried about her character?
- that you're worried she'll go back to this behaviour?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

StilltheStudent said:


> OP, I would honestly get your thoughts in order.
> Recognize that she might be ashamed of that part of her past and that you should approach her with some empathy and understanding.
> 
> Have an adult conversation where you say what you found and, personally, I would make a point that she should not be lying to you about these things. You are there to support her and she needs to be honest with you about things, especially when you both agree to delve into your pasts.


Agreed.

As a Christian divorced woman I can relate 98% to what you've written. What I do not understand or relate to is her giving you access to that old phone and email account. From what you've said she's an intelligent woman. She knew that phone was from *that* time in her life. Yet she didn't think you'd see emails she'd want to keep private??

My ex husband solicited and found sex in the casual encounters section of Craigslist. That kind of promiscuity goes beyond typical dating-too-much promiscuity and even one night stands where you meet someone in person. She's probably VERY ashamed of that period in her life. Maybe she wanted you to find the emails because she couldn't bring herself to confess it to you.

You definitely need to tell her you know about this. I don't think it's unforgivable, but it's a hurdle you're going to have to jump over together, and with God.


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

So based on what I've seen from her and from my experience with my ex-wife, it seems that some women close one chapter of their life, move on and don't think about it again. I really don't think that she was trying to be deceitful, has blocked that chapter of her life out of her mind. From piecing things together I know that she went into intensive counseling, started taking anti-depressents to curb her feelings, went back to church and became the woman she used to be beforehand. I too spent one wild year after my divorce doing things that I am ashamed about as well. Did not give her specifics or mechanics, but she has a general idea of the number of partners I had (even I can't remember how many I went through in a year). 

On her end she has been very gracious and told me that I am not that man anymore. I was a good guy before that year, went through a rough patch and like her went to counseling to get my stuff back in order. So I trust her, this was more a lie of omission. Not worried at all that she will stray or do anything. Found one email to herself in the middle of this time period where she pondered why she was doing this, then listed what her perfect man would be. I fit that description that she wrote 4 years ago almost perfectly. 

Just tough to get some images out of my head. The crassness of her CraigsList ad is completely unlike the mature, educated professional woman that she is. She did tell me about that time period and said that she was tired of waiting for the right man, her prayers were not being answered and was coming off a relationship that totally threw her off kilter. One of her short term partners was almost 20 years younger than her. I'm in great shape for my age, but nothing like I was when I was 25. I asked her about that because she did disclose that partner to me. Made me feel better when she said that she likes that I know what I'm doing in bed, take my time and can make her feel good. Unlike a 25 year old who is done in 45 seconds.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Hmmmm ok so you are working through your feelings on this - that's good. Can you walk through this with her? She might be relieved to know you've gone done this rabbit home and are coming out ok.

Now for the tough part. Elaborate on what you didn't like about the ads. Was it the specific language and acts mentioned? Or just the way she so crassly put it out there? Walk through what you are thinking a bit...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honesty was part of your arrangement, a good part BTW, and she has been less than forthcoming.

Get it out now and don't let it fester.

Mrs. Conan held on to some of her darkness for years and it negatively impacted our marriage because I had no idea what was bothering her.

She needs to go over this period of time in her life with you and express her feelings, then and now, with you so you both have understanding going forward.

It is perfectly normal to love the woman she is today while totally disapproving of who she use to be.

Mrs. Conan and I both have pasts we are disgusted by. It was important for our understanding of each other to have that knowledge and we have grown very close as a result.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Phoenix,

I'm going to take the time to type out a couple pages of a book I'm reading because it might help you in this situation. Ironically (or perhaps divinely), I read these pages just this morning in between volunteer assignments at my kids' school. I'm finishing up participation in a women's study at my church (I highly recommend this book for your girlfriend, by the way). It's Beth Moore's book called So Long Insecurity. The book is of course geared toward women, but she does touch on men's insecurities and what I read this morning can apply to men and women. 

This passage is from Chapter 11: Eating from the Wrong Tree

_Surely we've walked together on this journey long enough for you to know that I'm not a proponent of ignorance or denial. The pursuit of knowledge for the edification of soul and community is a priority passion. But that kind of positive result comes from eating from the "tree of life," metaphorically speaking, not from "the tree of knowledge of good and evil" (Genesis 2: 9, 17).

There is an enlightening knowledge that builds up and fortifies the human psyche, but there is also darker knowledge that rips it to shreds. There is *knowing*. And there is *knowing too much*.

I believe those two trees in humanity's first garden were living symbols of these very concepts. One promoted life. The other promoted death. Because God is complete perfection and immutable holiness, He can handle omniscience. He can know all things--good and evil--without responding with sin, weakness, horror, or despair. We, on the other hand, don't have that luxury. Think how many times we've begged someone to tell us something and sworn we could handle it only to flip like a flapjack the second it was out of the person's mouth. 

What God initiates, He equips us to handle. This is true even when emotional assimilation requires a process. Have you ever come upon information that was shocking, disheartening, or difficult, yet you somehow found that because God insisted on that discovery, He also provided you with the grace to handle it? Even though the unsolicited information might have caused pain and great conflict, if God initiated the revelation, He had a goal in mind that was steeped in great love. Even if He used a messenger you didn't like, He worked through His sovereignty to open your eyes to something vital. Perhaps God knew that the discovery was necessary for an area of healing or deliverance to take place. He knew it would shake you from your slumber.

When we scratch and claw to dig information out of the dirt, however, we don't get the same kind of grace that accompanies divine revelation. God graciously forgives, restores, and even resurrects as we bring Him our needs, but the pursuit of omniscience costs us dearly in the meantime. 

*You must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. - Genesis 2:17*

Since the concept is figurative and spiritual in our regard, we don't experience a physical death after eating from that tree, but make no mistake. Something in us does die, and usually it's our security. Let's put a few examples on the table. 

(Phoenix, here I'm just going to type out some things I highlighted, not the whole thing)

*We can insist on knowing more about our mate's past relationships than we end up being able to handle.*....We feel like we can't control what we don't know. Don't get me wrong. We need to know vital basics like whether or not they've been married or engaged, slept around, been in jail, battled an addiction, had a track record of unfaithfulness, or left a string of shattered hearts. We'd also better be crystal clear on where they stand spiritually. By all means, let's seek to know their hearts inside and out, but must be force ourselves into the closets of their minds as well? 

Details like what he did with whom and how can pain vivid murals on the walls of your mind that jump to life every time you close your eyes......We pry because we are insecure, and then we are more insecure because we pried. God is the only one who can know a person's every thought, every motive, every temptation, and every flaw yet still feel good about Himself. 

*We can discover a pornographic Web site our mate has visited and then stay on it*.....we insist on going through those images one by one to see exactly what he saw. That, beloved, is eating from the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil." .......God will equip us with the grace to deal with the initial discovery. Indeed He may have even plotted it in order to bring eventual deliverance.....God will grant us the grace to heal if we seek Him....._

Phoenix - These pages, and this whole book, will mean something different to every person, so take from it what you need. One thing that struck me while re-reading this as I typed it out, is that perhaps with regard to your situation, you've been "given" this opportunity to show your girlfriend great grace and love. To provide HER deliverance, not so much your own. (" Even though the unsolicited information might have caused pain and great conflict, if God initiated the revelation, He had a goal in mind that was steeped in great love. Even if He used a messenger you didn't like, He worked through His sovereignty to open your eyes to something vital. Perhaps God knew that the discovery was necessary for an area of healing or deliverance to take place.")


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Honesty was part of your arrangement, a good part BTW, and she has been less than forthcoming.
> 
> Get it out now and don't let it fester.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this. Don't keep your discovery of this information to yourself.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Phoenix,

There are many red flags here.

I would not get married or engaged before you clear this up. It is highly unlikely anyone could forget that they had anonymous sex on Craigslist. The problem is more likely that she remembers it all too well. 

The big issue here is that she lied to you, and if she lies to you now she will lie to you in the future.

There is a real possibility your GF will revert to this behavior if there is a problem in relationship if you get sick or have a bad argument or she starts drinking.

Do you know who these OM are and particularly if any of them were married. Are any of them nearby and does your GF still have facebook or linkedin contact, does she work with any of them?

Do you know the real reason your GF got divorced there is some chance she cheated on her Ex, but the story she spins vilifies the Ex.

Tamat


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think you need to accept her past or leave. Staying together but resenting what she did in the past is poison.


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Phoenix,
> 
> There are many red flags here.
> 
> ...


After my divorce I got involved with a woman who was mentally ill, but did a great job of covering it up with meds. When she went off her meds she went through a phase of manic hyper sexuality. Had no idea what was going on behind my back. When I started dating my current GF I told her about my insecurities and trust issues. She was up front and told me that none of her computers or other devices are password protected, I could look at them anytime I wanted to. Even now if she hears a message "dinging" into her phone and she is busy she will ask me to look and see who it is and read the message for her. So she trusts me and I trust her. She has access to my computer whenever she wants. 

Her divorce was almost 20 years ago, got married to her high school sweetheart right after graduation. Simply got married too young to the wrong guy. 

Not worried about her bumping into anyone. She now lives 300 miles away from where she acted out. After this period of her life she changed her email account, her phone number and moved away. 

I look at her behavior before this particular year and after. A divorced woman busy with being a single mom and working a lot of hours. Active with church and her family. Did not have time to date and only had a boyfriend about every two years. Afterwards it was the same pattern. Did not date for two years after this happened and then had a boyfriend for about 6 months. So really just a 6 month blip on a 20 year horizon.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

phoenix98 said:


> * Some of the ads she posted were very graphic in regards to what she was looking for*.


This might be as important or more important that the sheer numbers.


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

Overall I accept her past and know that she is a new woman. We have an otherwise healthy, open relationship and are active in our church. Just tough to get what I found out erased from my memory. On one of the ads she even gave a fake name and occupation to avoid being found out due to her living in a somewhat small town where she was working in a professional capacity. So I just think she is deeply ashamed of her actions. She told me generally what she was doing, but not the specifics. Had processed the general stuff, but when I saw specifically how she was acting out it threw me for a loop. Trying to move forward without looking over my shoulder.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

phoenix98 said:


> Overall I accept her past and know that she is a new woman. We have an otherwise healthy, open relationship and are active in our church. Just tough to get what I found out erased from my memory. On one of the ads she even gave a fake name and occupation to avoid being found out due to her living in a somewhat small town where she was working in a professional capacity. So I just think she is deeply ashamed of her actions. She told me generally what she was doing, but not the specifics. Had processed the general stuff, but when I saw specifically how she was acting out it threw me for a loop. Trying to move forward without looking over my shoulder.



Are you going to tell her that you know?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Keep working through this. You seem to have a pretty healthy attitude toward all of this along with a normal concern about your ability to "work this out" of your system. I do think you will get there.

I'm a little confused though. 

Are you trying to reconcile the image you now have of her and the Craig's list her? 

Do you see them as two different people? Are you afraid you'll see the Craig's list woman when you're intimate and get upset?

You don't seem to be afraid of her becoming that woman again - am I right?


Are you just trying not to negatively judge her - intellectually - but are really trying to ignore some negative judgements emotionally?

Can you pinpoint your concern a bit more?


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Keep working through this. You seem to have a pretty healthy attitude toward all of this along with a normal concern about your ability to "work this out" of your system. I do think you will get there.
> 
> I'm a little confused though.
> 
> ...


Logically and intellectually I am not trying to judge her. When I went through my divorce and with my last breakup with a long term partner I really spiraled out of control. Luckily I had friends that saw what I was doing and made me go to counseling and force me back to church. I had more partners in my 6 month out of control phase than she has had in 20 years of being single (including her CraigsList phase). It's just the emotional punch to the gut that I am trying not to let affect me. Truly trying to be Christian about it, if God can forgive her for her past actions, so can I. But it's tough. She has extended the same grace to me and forgiven me for my past. Including using CraigsList and Backpage to arrange trysts and meet hookers.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

phoenix98 said:


> Logically and intellectually I am not trying to judge her. When I went through my divorce and with my last breakup with a long term partner I really spiraled out of control. Luckily I had friends that saw what I was doing and made me go to counseling and force me back to church. I had more partners in my 6 month out of control phase than she has had in 20 years of being single (including her CraigsList phase). It's just the emotional punch to the gut that I am trying not to let affect me. Truly trying to be Christian about it, if God can forgive her for her past actions, so can I. But it's tough. She has extended the same grace to me and forgiven me for my past. Including using CraigsList and Backpage to arrange trysts and meet hookers.


I would suggest that it's not up to you to forgive her for her past. Her past had nothing to do with you, she didn't wrong you in any way by having sex with other people, and she does not need your forgiveness for having had sex in her past.

Acceptance, yes. You have to accept that she had a past without holding it against her if you intend to marry her. Forgiveness? I think that's the wrong word here since you were not in her life when she was having sex in her past and she didn't do anything to you. Just as she was not in your life when you had your wild spell and doesn't need to forgive you for anything.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Agree with norajane...

Still confused about the emotional punch in the gut. Can you be a little more specific? 

Is it the sexual acts? 

Is it the forward approach?

Is it the transient nature of the partners?

Is it a combination?

I may sound picky but I think it's important to understand your emotions better so you can address it. Most guys stink at pinpointing emotions beyond happy, angry and furious. Even sad is often read as angry. 

I think it's a terrible idea to just push past this and "get over it" without understanding what you are trying to address.

Many women might say move on - but they would understand exactly what they are moving on from.

Can you answer yes / no to the above questions so we can directly address this with you.

Btw yes I think you will get there but you have to really understand first so it doesn't creep back up later


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OP a couple points:

1) She wasn't completely honest when she said she would be. That's a concern. Had she said she didn't want to discuss it I would have respected her wishes. Instead, she lead you to believe she put all her cards on the table when she had not. You're probably right, it was because she was ashamed and didn't want to scare you off but it still a BIG issue she misrepresented herself.

2) You do not have to accept her past if you are not comfortable with it. It is your choice and if you will never be okay with XX number of people she slept with and/or the things she did with them then do not marry her. Conversely, if you do decide to marry her, then you WILL have to accept that this is who she was, this is in the past and had nothing to do with you, and you WILL have to move past it. But if you can't, you can't. You are doing nothing wrong by not being okay with it or okay with it.

3) I think you need to talk with her more to decide what you want to do. Definitely, present the new evidence you have and give her the opportunity to present her side. You may be satisfied with what you hear but for the simple fact of my first point. You should not just let it go. You didn't do anything wrong and you weren't spying on her. She gave you her phone and you came across this stuff so don't be afraid to confront.

Good Luck


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

I'm not a prude and understand that if someone has been divorced for almost 20 years, there will be a few partners there. When we put all of our cards on the table and discussed some of the abuse that had happened to us as teens and how we coped I knew that her number of partners would be high. Only reason that she stopped being promiscuous as a teen was because her high school boyfriend got her pregnant. It took me getting married to stop sleeping around as well. So anything that happened before marriage is the result of a 17 year old trying to find love in the wrong places. 

What strikes me is the forward approach, dating multiple men at the same time(and having sex) and how quickly she was setting up dates to go have sex. After an email or two plans were made to hook up. Then just to see if she could pull it off, started dating a guy almost half her age. All she told me is that one of the guys was adventurous and introduced her to a number of new things. So now in the back of my mind I wonder what he did to her. One last thing is that she was specific in wanting a guy who was well endowed and stated that in her ad. I've been told that I am more than adequate in that department, but now am second guessing myself. 

She is a very good woman. The best relationship I have ever been in and someone I can trust. So I was okay knowing the general stuff like ballpark number of partners. But finding out the specifics and mechanics of her trysts is throwing me off. It looks like for 6 months she resorted to the pattern she had as a teenager, but finally caught herself and sought help and treatment.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

You need to address her lying....which is not past.....I would tell her what you found and ask her to help you understand why she lied and the explicitness of the adds.

Have you seen the studies where the greater number of partners a woman has had..the less satisfied she is with her husband?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> You need to address her lying....which is not past.....I would tell her what you found and ask her to help you understand why she lied and the explicitness of the adds.
> 
> *Have you seen the studies where the greater number of partners a woman has had..the less satisfied she is with her husband?*


OP, here is a link to the study Divinely Favored referred to in his post. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/NMP-BeforeIDoReport-Final.pdf

According to the study both *women AND men* with previous sexual experiences were less satisfied after marriage. However, this study should be taken with a grain of salt. There were many flaws with it some of which were described in this article.
New Study Claims People Who've Had More Sexual Partners Report Unhappier Marriages

I am curious OP, could it be that you are concerned that your girlfriend might have actually enjoyed her "wild" adventures? Your last post about the specifics of the craigslist ad lends itself to this observation.


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you seen the studies where the greater number of partners a woman has had..the less satisfied she is with her husband?


This will be a second marriage for both of us. Neither one of us were saints during the time we were single. The number of partners doesn't bother me because my number is in triple digits. We both feel like we have been given a second chance to find a real relationship. Already I am the longest relationship she has had other than her marriage. So I have outlasted all of her other relationships and each passing week our bond gets stronger. Plus at our age we know that friendship and intimacy is more important than sex. (even though we have no problems in that department).


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Can you ask her flat out if there were things she's done that she no longer wants to do? Because most guys don't like the idea of their spouse having done things with others that they won't do with them. It's kind of an ego challenge or emasculating.

Also definitely put the well endowed thing in the table. Like it or not men are threatened by this. We're told "oh it doesn't matter" all the time, then the opposite by people trying to sell stuff. Then there are those who have fetishes and try to represent all women. So yeah - lets get real - you actually SAW her seek that out. So go into that one head on. She was obviously seeking something but caught herself and got back on track. But if she just suppressed something there is a danger it'll come back during rocky times. But the biggest reason is to help you get an honest view of her opinions so you know where you stand and can not have that lurking in the back of your mind.

I would have similar concerns, and probably feel bad about having them. I think you really need to have several conversations so you both can let the other know what your thoughts are, why you prefer each other over others you've been with, and to understand what needs you really need to meet to keep it interesting, fun, exciting when the newness wears off. Also to ask the other to help keep you on track if things trigger you - understand each other's triggers if you both have had difficulties in the past.

Glad you're being thorough so you two get off on the right foot. You will both feel better if you're not waiting for the other shoe to drop down the line.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So YOU had friends who pulled you out of the abyss. She didn't. So you're better than her?

meh


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

turnera said:


> So YOU had friends who pulled you out of the abyss. She didn't. So you're better than her?
> 
> meh


I did not read that from him at all. Seems he acknowledges she has a past but the fact that it's a combination of she hid things. So that creates the idea she was REALLY naughty so now has to hide it. 

That's what I see he needs help to sort.

OP, this will fester in you forever. Only ONE solution is to be frank and tell her what you saw. She lied by omission. So now you get to see her reaction to that and her reaction is a big part of what you should focus on. 

My concern would be if those were married men, etc. Sex is one thing but crap character and being a mistress are things you should worry about. She probably thought better to not tell you these things because you'd think less of her. 

So you have to air it all out. Don't be condemning. 

The next thing I would be very clear about are boundaries so that ANY of her past as not in contact with her. If she's not in contact then you are ok. If they are in FB, coworkers, LinkedIn etc then you need to reevaluate as this won't end well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, it's all relative. I hooked up with one random guy, once, in my teens, and that one thing defined me as being naughty and has guided my self shame ever since. And no, I never told my H about it because I was so ashamed. But I'm one of the biggest prudes you've ever seen. He doesn't really know if she is as bad as he thinks she is.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

turnera said:


> IMO, it's all relative. I hooked up with one random guy, once, in my teens, and that one thing defined me as being naughty and has guided my self shame ever since. And no, I never told my H about it because I was so ashamed. But I'm one of the biggest prudes you've ever seen. He doesn't really know if she is as bad as he thinks she is.


But he's seen it. So now it has to be dealt with.

I don't know but my guess is if your H found out and not directly from you about that guy he may view you a bit different depending on how you depicted yourself.

I can't speak for OP but if it were me, as I alluded to above I would be most concerned about a pattern continuing. Does she have any contact with these people, etc? If she did I'd bail in a second. If it's truly the past then so be it. At least now he can air it out and hopefully get her to give insight as to why she hid it. 

Their relationship will crumble if they don't talk this out as he's now got a trust issue with her.


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## phoenix98 (Oct 16, 2015)

turnera said:


> So YOU had friends who pulled you out of the abyss. She didn't. So you're better than her?
> 
> meh


I never implied that. All I said is that I had friends and family pull me out of the dark stuff I was doing. Until I bring this up to her I have no idea how she pulled herself out. We both have an equally sordid past, but I've owned up to almost all of it. I just want to make sure that she never feels the need to go back to where she was. On the surface it appears that with counseling and the support of her friends, she has stayed away from that crap for at least four years.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

For reference I probably have dirty socks under my bed for the past four years. That's only a few seconds in the context of your life. She will encounter many more stressors in the years to come. You can not judge her ability to have completely dealt with a dark past of you don't know the details, how she came out, and what boundaries she has erected to protect her from that place. Not saying one way or the other but you would be well served to keep digging this out so you can both protect your relationship into the future


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> IMO, it's all relative. I hooked up with one random guy, once, in my teens, and that one thing defined me as being naughty and has guided my self shame ever since. And no, I never told my H about it because I was so ashamed. But I'm one of the biggest prudes you've ever seen. He doesn't really know if she is as bad as he thinks she is.



Wow, just observing and noting here how strange the internet age is...that random people on this thread know this thing about you that your own husband never will. Not judging, just makes me shift in my chair a bit as a male prude.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I told my ex-fiance my entire past (what little there was). He used it against me - repeatedly. To guilt me, to shame me, to push me into doing things with him that were 'more' than what I would do with other guys, to prove my love. ugh

So, no, I told my H nothing. I refused to tell him anything about my past. No worries. He found plenty of OTHER ways to make me feel bad and to guilt me anyway.

And as far as telling internet anonymous strangers...well, isn't that the point? These are people you will never know. But if the information can help someone make better choices in THEIR lives, all the better.


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