# What is going on with me? Just thinking this morning



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

My H has beat me, lied to me, betrayed me, etc... Nearly destroying me on so many levels, coupled with a horrible working environment for several years that just ended a month ago, coupled with huge heath problems that nearly ended my life twice -- all this in less than 5 years. I am exhausted. Sometimes I want to shut down altogether, not suicide, just erase everything for a little while. But then I remind myself that its over now. I have a relatively clean bill of health, I love my job again, my kids are healthy, my H has been fabulous for almost a year now, my mom and I have the best relationship we've ever had, I've quit drinking and feel great, life is good all the way around. 

And here is the problem --- will I fall in love with my H again? Has it been long enough to expect marital bliss? I want my H, I love my H, he is a good H and father, he is the man I met and expected to have a life with... This kind of life. But I could've done without so much of what he did to me. Am I expecting too much too soon from myself?? How can I communicate that to him? How can I meet his needs for sexually intimacy at the same time I might flashback to him spitting on me a year ago? How can I see him for who he is now? I feel like I'm almost getting more aggravated with him sometimes. What can I do? This is on me, isn't it? 

The kicker is my H is ADHD... He has been patient, but I'm so scared his attention span will get the better of him, in the process of my continuing to recover. He told me he thinks its becoming a cop out for me in the sex department. Yeah, a lot of this has come about due to my continuing lack of desire for sex, we have sex, but I lack the enthusiasm like I use to, or the 'want' if you will. I'm sorry, but the physical abuse was pretty bad... Sometimes I flash back to that and its hard to accept that this person you are being intimate with has also hurt you so badly. Can I get over that? I know I'm the only one who can answer that... Just thinking outloud.

Sorry for the ramble, just getting my thoughts out this morning and wondering if anyone out there can relate and suggest what I could do.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I'm sorry, but the physical abuse was pretty bad... Sometimes I flash back to that and its hard to accept that this person you are being intimate with has also hurt you so badly. Can I get over that?


i could not even imagine doing this or being able to get passed this.
it must be awful.

i dont see how a person can do something like this then just expect you to forget it and be intimate with them like its nothing.

it makes me angry to think there are actually people out there like this.

it has to be something very hard for you to try and get past.
if you even can.

what these people dont understand when they cant 'understand' the lack of intimacy is THEY put that there, THEY caused this. it is something THEY CHOSE to do.

i hope you find a way to come to peace with this and rebuild the relationship you still seem to want so bad.

good luck to you cherry.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How can you love someone who beat you? I am so confused by that 

How can you love someone who has treated you like garbage.. no respect, no compassion...why do you expect you will love him again?

That's not love!


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Do you have an IC? If not I really think you should consider starting with a good one.

I've had a LOT of physical abuse in my past (though not in my marriage). The main thing I learned was to forgive even when an apology isn't given. Forgive him every time those flash backs occur, just in your heart.

At first it may just be words, and for a while that's fine... but try to let it be something deeper and more meaningful. When you find there is something blocking you from really forgiving from the heart, that's when you need to find out why. Either really ask yourself those hard questions and dig deep to try and understand the reasons behind your feelings, or get some counselling... talk to a friend/mother even? Perhaps write out your feelings on paper. 

Those emotions and feelings though need to be sorted out, and then released (talking to others and writing/saying them out loud really have helped me). If you don't discover where your emotional scars are, and why they are still there, and then forgive. Then it will just stay with you as resentment or fear.

I'm no expert though, but that's what I learned and did to help myself. I didn't have any counselling to help me, and I wish I had.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

that_girl said:


> How can you love someone who beat you? I am so confused by that
> 
> How can you love someone who has treated you like garbage.. no respect, no compassion...why do you expect you will love him again?
> 
> That's not love!


You are right its not love, its co-dependency.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Just because he changed doesn't mean you will magically be 'over it'. It will take YEARS (plural) for him to live down that kind of abuse and for him to expect otherwise is just more abuse.

And for him to say it's a "cop out" tells me he has little idea the damage he's inflicted. He should be grateful you are willing to have sex with him at all. Geesh.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Just because he changed doesn't mean you will magically be 'over it'. It will take YEARS (plural) for him to live down that kind of abuse and for him to expect otherwise is just more abuse.
> 
> And for him to say it's a "cop out" tells me he has little idea the damage he's inflicted. He should be grateful you are willing to have sex with him at all. Geesh.


this is right.

hitting a woman and at least cheating more than once are 2 things in my book that should be complete deal breakers.
though for me, 1 time and youre out at this point.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> How can you love someone who beat you? I am so confused by that
> 
> How can you love someone who has treated you like garbage.. no respect, no compassion...why do you expect you will love him again?
> 
> That's not love!


I don't know... I've never been in this situation. I do not envy how my H was raised in life. It is not an excuse, he!! no, it is not an excuse. But I can see why he was the way he was... Coupled with my drinking and his. All of the abuse happened under the influence. Again not an excuse... But nothing even remotely close has happened since the alcohol has been out of the house. I saw a really good side to him during my pregnancy... I figured it might have something to do with not drinking.. so we decided to try it together... And low and behold we actually get along EXCEPT sexually. But a lot has happened between my pregnancy and now.

I hope time can heal... He has told me on occasion he would not have put up with what he did to me, he would've left me if I treated him half as bad as he did me. He can't possibly know what its like to have to heal from this. To know he ran around crack houses screwing Gawd knows what, and then really? I'm suppose to put my mouth on that? It's not every day, or week, or month even that I think back to things, but I do it on occasion.

IC could be in order for both of us. He said this morning that maybe he needs to go see a counselor to understand how this can continue to affect me.. the crack***** stuff is waining some, but its been over 4 years since that's happened. It took me a long time to be able to give a BJ!

Y'all have given me food for thought, I certainly appreciate it.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Cherry said:


> How can I meet his needs for sexually intimacy at the same time I might flashback to him spitting on me a year ago? How can I see him for who he is now?


You are not over it yet. You haven't healed- your body is telling you this by not being aroused and interested in sex with him. You might be able to fool yourself on the outside, but your body isn't having it. You aren't over it. You haven't fully forgiven him. You might never. I hope you can and that he never goes back to his old ways. 

I suggest IC for both of you. And if he needs to know that you aren't over it yet- and he must decide if he wants to wait it out - and if he does, it should be without rushing you.

good luck.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm thinking if I chose to put up with what you have,I would have had to stuff a lot of rage.C'mon, I mean this guy beat you and even spit on you and you're still with him,so where did the anger go? Maybe not dealing with that in the proper way is whats stifling your sex drive now.Jmo as I'm nowhere near an expert on the subject,but have seen similar issues acted out in my past.Take care.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cherry said:


> I don't know... I've never been in this situation. I do not envy how my H was raised in life. It is not an excuse, he!! no, it is not an excuse. But I can see why he was the way he was... Coupled with my drinking and his. All of the abuse happened under the influence. Again not an excuse... But nothing even remotely close has happened since the alcohol has been out of the house. I saw a really good side to him during my pregnancy... I figured it might have something to do with not drinking.. so we decided to try it together... And low and behold we actually get along EXCEPT sexually. But a lot has happened between my pregnancy and now.
> 
> I hope time can heal... He has told me on occasion he would not have put up with what he did to me, he would've left me if I treated him half as bad as he did me. He can't possibly know what its like to have to heal from this. *To know he ran around crack houses screwing Gawd knows what, and then really? I'm suppose to put my mouth on that? It's not every day, or week, or month even that I think back to things, but I do it on occasion.
> 
> IC could be in order for both of us. He said this morning that maybe he needs to go see a counselor to understand how this can continue to affect me.. the crack***** stuff is waining some, but its been over 4 years since that's happened. It took me a long time to be able to give a BJ!*Y'all have given me food for thought, I certainly appreciate it.


Just make sure you're not giving away your soul for this. The essence of what and who you are just to make things work. What you've said here is.....unthinkable.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Update: So for this week, I figured out what made me so angry with my H again... The end of his DUI probation was coming up and it brought back all the BS feelings, emotions, etc... that I've never really discussed with him. I was angry at him because we had finally dug ourselves out of the hole financially and the courts tell us that the fine for his DUI has to be paid in full before he can get off probation, plus costs to get his license reinstated. Big chunk of change that once again wiped us out. 

He got this DUI at the very end of our separation, and part of the reason he wanted to reconcile, he was getting ready to lose custody of the kids and get kicked out of the marital home, with me getting the marital home and primary custody of the kids because of his DUI and the other 3 charges from that night... At that point in our divorce case it was becoming pretty clear to the judge that he more than likely was the problem and I wasn't fabricating my divorce complaint... He was fabricating my drinking issue though - irony, he accused me of being a violent alcoholic and he turns around and gets a DUI and a felony assaulting an officer? Everything came sweeping over me again. The ***** he got with nearly immediately after I got banned from our house for my drinking problem. It reminded me, I have questions about everything... How could a husband get his own wife kicked out of her house, get full custody of the children and start fvcking around immediately, with what appeared to be absolutely no fvcking care for his wife who is now in rehab during this time, because of his accusations and because my lawyer told me I should??? I stuck by his sorry a$$ while he was battling crack addiction, stuck with him for 7 months while he sat in jail, put up with all of his BS to get his life straight only to be tossed to the side while I was left to battle my addiction alone, without my H or without my kids. 

In any event, it is over and we had a chat about it, thanks to you all letting me know I need to get it out... He asked me what he's suppose to do to make me feel better. The simple answer is "nothing". We can't take it back, any of it. I'm angry at him, it's still there. I want it to go away, but I don't know if it will... Only time will tell. He told me that he is no longer that guy he was for the first 4 years of our marriage.... I want to believe him, I just don't know if I can.

Thanks for letting me vent (Browncoat for the suggestion to write it out on "paper"... this is my paper )


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

He spit on you?

Oh, honey. I'm sorry for all that you've gone through.

I don't think you should be questioning yourself, I'm amazed that you are still standing upright.

I wouldn't let him near me, but he's not my husband. I'll echo the voices above -- you need to see a counselor.

He spit on you?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Cherry said:


> Thanks for letting me vent (Browncoat for the suggestion to write it out on "paper"... this is my paper )


I hope you found it helpful, I know it's helped me a lot over the years to write things down. Sometimes if I feel like I need a bit more I print/write them out on paper and burn the paper. It may be small or silly but I found it helps to let things go.

The other big part of forgiveness is time. Large emotional wounds just take time to heal (just like physical ones). It may very well always be with you, I found for me the goal is to get to the point where the "sting" is gone. Where it doesn't ache every time you think about the past. When it just becomes a memory, that's when you've healed.

Not to stir the pot, but your story just seems to get more complicated and dark the more you tell. It sounds like your husband may have gotten back with you just so that he wouldn't loose access to the children. 

I hope he genuinely shows you love now... because you deserve it for being such an incredible wife through all this! I'm sure you're not perfect (none of us are), but don't let that detract in your mind from what you have done to give your marriage another chance. THAT effort truly is above and beyond!

Oh and vent away anytime Cherry. Always (and sincerely) happy to lend an ear!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You sound like the typical abused wife.

Sorry to hear of your pain. Most abusers get worse over time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> My H has beat me, lied to me, betrayed me, etc... Nearly destroying me on so many levels, coupled with a horrible working environment for several years that just ended a month ago, coupled with huge heath problems that nearly ended my life twice -- all this in less than 5 years. I am exhausted. Sometimes I want to shut down altogether, not suicide, just erase everything for a little while. But then I remind myself that its over now. I have a relatively clean bill of health, I love my job again, my kids are healthy, my H has been fabulous for almost a year now, my mom and I have the best relationship we've ever had, I've quit drinking and feel great, life is good all the way around.
> 
> And here is the problem --- will I fall in love with my H again? Has it been long enough to expect marital bliss? I want my H, I love my H, he is a good H and father, he is the man I met and expected to have a life with... This kind of life. But I could've done without so much of what he did to me. Am I expecting too much too soon from myself?? How can I communicate that to him? How can I meet his needs for sexually intimacy at the same time I might flashback to him spitting on me a year ago? How can I see him for who he is now? I feel like I'm almost getting more aggravated with him sometimes. What can I do? This is on me, isn't it?
> 
> ...


Wow, lots going on in your life! I can certainly understand where you'd feel cautious about sex and resuming intimacy. Congrats on your continuing sobriety and the improved status of your relationship. 

The two of you have certainly made some important changes to get where you are today, considering where you were. 

When you don't want to have sex with him, he is probably experiencing it as a way of showing that you haven't forgiven him and/or don't appreciate the changes he's made. 

Will you love him again? Will you be able to get over the past and enjoy the present? The answer to these questions depends on your ability to rewrite the meaning of the things that have happened, and whether you believe the changes are permanent. 

If you remember when he spit in your face and it triggers a thought like "He can be mean," or "He has treated me terribly," then you've got a major obstacle to reconnecting. If you remember that same event and think, "That was the first step to a better future for both of us," you'll have an easier time feeling good about becoming intimate with him. 

But in order to rewrite the past, you have to believe that real change has taken place. It sounds as if he has some reason to question, too, if you were drinking enough that you've had to quit. Some of your thought processes could be heading you toward drinking again. If you're in AA and have a sponsor, I highly encourage you to discuss this subject with him or her. If you're not in AA, you might consider attending and finding a temporary sponsor who can talk to you about what a dry drunk is and how alcoholism can propel us to sabotage our lives when things are finally getting on track. 

Best wishes.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, your mind is of one desire however I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your body and subconscious will always remember the hurt and pain. It's like going to the ocean and telling the tide to stop and the waves to break somewhere else. Ain't going to happen, but if you take enough drugs and are crazy enough you can convince yourself of a different reality. Meanwhile your body and subconscious will go on collecting the fear, anxiety, stress that is the natural consequence of your H's actions in your relationship, and you will require more and more delusion to stop the tide and the waves. All I can say is I hope you enjoy the show, the admission price was way too steep for me.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

KathyBatesel said:


> Wow, lots going on in your life! I can certainly understand where you'd feel cautious about sex and resuming intimacy. Congrats on your continuing sobriety and the improved status of your relationship.
> 
> The two of you have certainly made some important changes to get where you are today, considering where you were.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I believe my H has changed, I've known for years that he is capable of change, just seems everytime he changes whatever it is that needs changing, he does something different but just as stupid.... I.e. quits crack, yay discovers internet and personals, boo. It just seemed never ending for 4 years. Now has been the longest he's gone without fvcking up... A year. I'm at the point in our relationship that I will try to find something to get mad about, I will pick a fight. Why? He's not doing anything wrong, anymore. It's like I don't want to be nice to him. It's not all the time, but its enough. 

As for the drinking, I didn't go through AA this time . I've had some white knuckle days, no doubt, but I REALLY do not want to touch alcohol. I'm going to my first concert since I've quit drinking, in a week, never been sober during a concert.. not even a thought of drinking during. I'm pretty excited. Thanks for your thoughts on it


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, your mind is of one desire however I hate to be the bearer of bad news but your body and subconscious will always remember the hurt and pain. It's like going to the ocean and telling the tide to stop and the waves to break somewhere else. Ain't going to happen, but if you take enough drugs and are crazy enough you can convince yourself of a different reality. Meanwhile your body and subconscious will go on collecting the fear, anxiety, stress that is the natural consequence of your H's actions in your relationship, and you will require more and more delusion to stop the tide and the waves. All I can say is I hope you enjoy the show, the admission price was way too steep for me.


Sorry, I disagree. I may never have desire for my H, you are right, but the sex is good and I am satisfied. I will not end a marriage due to my lack of desire. If my H can no longer deal with how our sex life is, because I don't initiate often,he knows he is free to leave, but I am working on this because we have a nice life now and our children deserve our efforts. I will not end a marriage when its only been a year and we have a healthier marriage on both sides than we had the first four years.

I do not remember the poster who offered up some advice on another thread I had a while ago, but it had to do with my health issues and how those events may have contributed to his seeking attention on the personals. Our circumstances have contributed to a lot of our issues. Neither of us have been saints... We are both trying to now. I'm trying to change my faults, why can't he try?

Edited to add, I truly am no longer fearful of my H. I have tools to deal with his ADHD behavior and we have discussed where his abuse stems from... He is working on that. And he recognizes he is following in his POS father footsteps. It is time to stop the cycle not only for our marriage to survive, but for his children and their future. 

I do appreciate your views on this as I imagine many abused women and men experience a lifetime of abuse if they allow it and believe in change that never comes. I know something else may happen in my marriage, but my boundaries are solid these days. Our children are getting too old for both of our nonsense


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## Devlin (May 16, 2012)

First of all, *cyberhug*. I feel so badly for all you have been through, and I think you are a very strong person.

I cannot blame you at all for not feeling 'over' everything he did to you. Emotional and physical abuse? Cheating? SPITTING on you? 

For me, the crux of the issue is not necessarily whether he's changed or not. Let's be very optimistic and say that he has. There are some things that one cannot get past. What you've been through definitely qualifies. He violated your trust repeatedly in the worst of ways. Maybe you can't get over that even if he never does it again. That's something only you can figure out. He is not entitled to forgiveness just because he's sorry. There's a possibility that he has broken something that cannot be fixed, and if you discover that is the truth and you decide to walk away, I don't think any reasonable person could ever, ever blame you for that.

Also, I would not be surprised at all if you are going through some serious post traumatic stress. I agree that seeing your own counselor is an outlet you really need. 

*hugs* again.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Cherry said:


> I'm at the point in our relationship that I will try to find something to get mad about, I will pick a fight. Why? He's not doing anything wrong, anymore. It's like I don't want to be nice to him. It's not all the time, but its enough.
> 
> As for the drinking, I didn't go through AA this time . I've had some white knuckle days, no doubt, but I REALLY do not want to touch alcohol. I'm going to my first concert since I've quit drinking, in a week, never been sober during a concert.. not even a thought of drinking during. I'm pretty excited. Thanks for your thoughts on it


My take: It sounds like you still don't believe in your deepest thoughts that you deserve to be happy. I do worry that you may be heading for a relapse based on what you've said: Picking fights that aren't necessary and returning to activities that your mind still associates with drinking are a couple of HUGE red flags. If you *truly* don't want to drink, I hope you'll find someone with recovery experience who can be a good mentor to you, especially as you start resuming the kinds of things that can encourage you to drink again. They don't have to be from AA, but that's a fast, easy, and inexpensive way to get that resource into your life.

Best wishes!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

KathyBatesel said:


> My take: It sounds like you still don't believe in your deepest thoughts that you deserve to be happy. I do worry that you may be heading for a relapse based on what you've said: Picking fights that aren't necessary and returning to activities that your mind still associates with drinking are a couple of HUGE red flags. If you *truly* don't want to drink, I hope you'll find someone with recovery experience who can be a good mentor to you, especially as you start resuming the kinds of things that can encourage you to drink again. They don't have to be from AA, but that's a fast, easy, and inexpensive way to get that resource into your life.
> 
> Best wishes!


I think you're on to something. I've had a busy week, but found myself thinking a lot. I realize I'm VERY angry with my H. I don't know how to stop. I guess this is why others choose to walk away. It's a hard process, and I need to find the tools to work through it, sober, if I can. How do I appreciate what my H is doing for me? Why can't I appreciate my H for who he is now? 

My anger comes from a mix of things... All the way back to when we met. He lied to me from day one, I am serious... Big lies. 

But here's where I'm confused with myself.. I've never been real spiritual, until I met my H. Around one year into our marriage, my H began his recovery from crack... I was there, and there's a lot of spiritual layers of recovery. While I did not stop drinking during that time, I did develop a sense of spirituality. That leads me to my relationship with a higher power. And here I am sober and that relationship with a higher power seems stronger. Honestly everything in my life today is fantastic... I know it could all change tomorrow, but the peace I have today is crazy, it's such a stark contrast to a year ago. 

So now what? I think my higher power gave me my H. I look back on my life, I was headed for disaster myself (bandit made me think about that in another thread, unknowingly I think). I was horrible. I met my H while I was on a blind date with another guy, and he bought me a drink and I basically blew my date off took him home for the sole purpose of a one-night stand. I prolly would've done he and his friend if his friend hadn't been missing a tooth. But seriously, I was a slvt. Have been my whole life. Not because I enjoyed sex, but because I was looking for love and I drank too much, I don't know why really. I guess I came close to getting really involved with a few guys here and there, but I really think my drinking hindered any success and/or it screwed my perception of the relationship.

My marriage is different. I finally have what I want, and the things that have happened during this marriage amaze me. It's been so intense on so many levels. I still think my H is pretty perfect. It's me right now. Should I really get pi$$ed over an empty toy box on the floor, when my H watched the kids while I went to a concert out of state for a day? Seems silly, so why the fvck does it aggravate me? Because its all the othe BIG crap that still lingers in my memories. 

Wow, I'm rambling. 3rd cup of coffee and kids are busy 

ETA: and when I say I think my H is pretty perfect, he certainly is not without his faults. And with his ADHD, he is so against prescription meds and we do not have the money for behavioral counseling, but he is aware and he is working hard at trying to control his temper, reactions, etc.. I do notice some progress on that... But he needs my help in how I behave, he can't do it when I'm constantly nagging about silly crap.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Y'know, Cherry, it sounds like you have a case of "stinkin' thinkin'." I do not mean that in a critical or deragotory way. I get it big-time, which is when I need to get my a$$ into a meeting pronto. I've known folks in A.A. who are atheists, agnostics, you name it. 

It is just about relinquishing one's control over things they cannot control (but believe they can) and giving it to their Higher Power. 

The only thing I can suggest is you try an open A.A. meeting. It is good to listen to other people who struggle with issues, because we can frequently relate to what we hear.

I've been going to A.A. and Al-Anon for years. Saved me from my own stinkin' thoughts MANY times. Also helped me to clarify what I wanted and needed from my relationships with family, friends, and former spouses. Helped me set boundaries and enforce them.

It's not for everyone, but it doesn't hurt to give it a try. I have been to some fantastic meetings and some stinky meetings, but usually someone would say something that would trigger an AH-HA moment for me.

Just a suggestion.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Prodigal said:


> Y'know, Cherry, it sounds like you have a case of "stinkin' thinkin'." I do not mean that in a critical or deragotory way. I get it big-time, which is when I need to get my a$$ into a meeting pronto. I've known folks in A.A. who are atheists, agnostics, you name it.
> 
> It is just about relinquishing one's control over things they cannot control (but believe they can) and giving it to their Higher Power.
> 
> ...


You think so? I always thought stinkin thinking was a precursor to drinking. Is there more to it?.. I really don't want to drink, and I'm not even tempted. Sure, I think of it occasionally, but really I just flashback to how horrible I felt at times when I drank. 

I do appreciate AA and what it has to offer. I just don't know if I'm headed towards drinking again. I think it has more to do with getting older or just thinking a lot about what's transpired over the years, and where my life is headed. 

Certainly something to consider though, thanks.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I really don't want to drink, and I'm not even tempted. Sure, I think of it occasionally, but really I just flashback to how horrible I felt at times when I drank.


What you said in your last statement is such a positive in recovery.Usually in the milliseconds before relapse the person has nothing but positive images or benefits on their mind.I had to actually train myself to do what you do and now it's as natural as breathing.

Some of the things you're dealing with are pretty normal in recovery.There are biological,psychological,social and spiritual changes going on and it can sometimes take awhile to sort out.You just have to keep striving and reaching out for the help you need in those areas and after a time sobriety becomes easier to maintain and your life more manageable.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

TBT said:


> What you said in your last statement is such a positive in recovery.Usually in the milliseconds before relapse the person has nothing but positive images or benefits on their mind.I had to actually train myself to do what you do and now it's as natural as breathing.
> 
> Some of the things you're dealing with are pretty normal in recovery.There are biological,psychological,social and spiritual changes going on and it can sometimes take awhile to sort out.You just have to keep striving and reaching out for the help you need in those areas and after a time sobriety becomes easier to maintain and your life more manageable.


Thanks . I can't remember having to really think about tough things before. After a few drinks I would either not care or be unnecessarily angry/upset, or overly angry or upset to the point of not being rational. It's weird now, but good weird. I feel in control of myself... I love it!!! But I have to deal with my true feelings all of a sudden, I sometimes don't know what to do or what to feel. 

And its nice to be reminded this is a part of the process. Sometimes things seem too calm. I'm use to chaos, was it me creating it in my drunkin haze? He!!, I drank for nearly 20 years... My life has never been as calm as its been in the last 5 months. I love it, I just don't know what to do with it sometimes .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need: AA, Al-Anon, an IC, and a MC. You two have too big of a problem to fix on your own. Let the experts help you.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

turnera said:


> You need: AA, Al-Anon, an IC, and a MC. You two have too big of a problem to fix on your own. Let the experts help you.


Then I need 48 hour days . Honestly though, we both have gone thru intensive therapy through outpatient and inpatient programs (at different times), we've been to over a few years worth of meetings (we generally leave meetings wanting to drink, unfortunately), I don't know about al-anon, I mean I know about it, but I don't know how much good it would do when neither of us are in active addiction. We've also been to MC. That was so very helpful in opening our lines of communication and it helped me see that my H was not the only problem in our marriage.

There's obviously room for more help in our marriage and with the chaos getting further away from my mind, its possible we could sort this out on our own, who knows . I think what's going on right now is that I'm just processing my life... where I've been, what the future might look like, etc... My oldest graduated HS this year, I filed BR this year, I quit drinking just before this year began, my working environment has improved tremendously in a few short months... I really feel mentally strong, just a bit overwhelmed maybe? 

All good suggestions though, but its been really helpful to be able to jot down my feelings here and read some thoughts and ideas from others.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I guess the theme I keep picking up from your posts is that you feel like you need to understand why you are angry at your H.

Everyone else understands. He was an a$$ to you.

Do you understand that it's ok to be angry?

Good advice here about the meetings, etc. You still seem to be carrying way too much of the burden for the abuse you suffered, but that's just MO. I wish you all the best.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Cherry, I can only hop on the internet sporadically for the next week, but I try to get on TAM daily. 

Why am I suggesting A.A. and/or Al-Anon? Because I've known "dry drunks." They still have major issues with anger, how to handle boundaries, relationships, old hurts, you name it. A gf of mine dated a guy who hadn't picked up in over 20 years. But darned if he didn't have the same mindset he had when he drank to deal with his issues.

Working a program is an inside job. The outside drinking is gone. But the inside "gunk" settles in and needs to be addressed, preferably with a good sponsor. 

lamaga is spot on. Naturally you are angry. It's okay and it's normal to feel that way. But the tools of detachment ... those are something we generally get from a good program, as well as good counseling. Learning to detach with love is, IMO, one of the most difficult things we humans have to learn.

I have to work it every single day, or else the "stinkin' thinkin'" comes back. BTW, I am not an alcoholic, but I have that type of lousy mindset. Sometimes I'll have a glass of wine, sometimes I just vent, but most times I pick up the phone and speak with my sponsor. Works for me.

Can't hurt you to give it a try and see if you get something out of it. I also went into IC, along with Al-Anon. Got me through some of my major "crazies."


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Cherry,I don't really know how involved you've been in the AA program in the past.Have you gone to closed meetings or just open meetings? Have you read the Big Book? There are a lot of groups that have closed Big Book discussion meetings.Some of the stories in the BB reflect some of the stuff you seem to be going through and members at these discussions can offer some insight in relating how they coped.Just a thought.Take care.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

lamaga said:


> I guess the theme I keep picking up from your posts is that you feel like you need to understand why you are angry at your H.
> 
> Everyone else understands. He was an a$$ to you.
> 
> ...


But its anger out of seemingly nowhere :I know where it comes from, but how does my H know I'm mad about something he did two years ago, when I appear to be pissed because something blew up in the microwave. It really does just come out of nowhere sometimes. I have to find a way to stop that. I get a flashback and I start getting aggravated with him, on some levels its fair because of the way he was to me... But I have made a choice to try and reconcile, I have told him I forgive him on some things, and I do.. the lies or not full truths related to his felony probation and the relapse on crack in the beginning... But there is just so damn much more that he has done, and I certainly do not forgive him for the abuse, I can't right now.

My H has told me several times in the last few months that he sees us growing old together. And something about the way he says it, sounds believable. I really think he's ready to leave the past behind. It's like the analogy I used earlier about maturity. He's never ever had a normal/ stable life if you will. He does now. Normal job, healthy and happy children, a calm life.. (as opposed to looking over your shoulder because of a warrant or living in a crackhouse or a prison). And why do I care? Because my children need a good father. My H wants to be all those things, I really do not think he knows how, but is willing to learn how, and has been doing well lately. I've often wonder why recidivism is so high within our jail/prison system. It is a trap, especially for the more serious crimes. 

Is any of this mine to own? Yes, absolutely. I met and married a man in 47 days. Who in their right mind would do something like that? Someone who's biological clock is ticking, I guess. I wanted a baby, I was getting older, with no real prospects in site, and my H had the look/personality I wanted. He just so happened to be more screwed up than me! But ill be damned if I didn't get my baby, times two . 

But yes, I know I'm allowed to be angry at my H. I just feel like I abuse the privilege at times, that I don't recognize everything he has done, that I don't appreciate what steps he's made on personal growth himself. In my heart of hearts, I know the physical abuse is over. I didn't have that feeling while I was drinking. It doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt though. But a part of me feels with time, the hurt will subside.

We've spent a lot of quality time together this weekend, and I like this life.. I even ended up getting horny yesterday, to the point where I suggested a spontaneous nooner when our kids went down for nap, and we still managed our planned evening session. That's big for me! It's been fun. Maybe there's something to this writing thing 

Thank you for your thoughts.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

TBT said:


> Cherry,I don't really know how involved you've been in the AA program in the past.Have you gone to closed meetings or just open meetings? Have you read the Big Book? There are a lot of groups that have closed Big Book discussion meetings.Some of the stories in the BB reflect some of the stuff you seem to be going through and members at these discussions can offer some insight in relating how they coped.Just a thought.Take care.


I was half involved... Meaning I did a lot of the steps, I listened and understood, I heard what was being said, I believe what AA is about, not just for drinking/drugging either... Life in general... But I was still actively drinking, when I could. I didn't believe my drinking had that big of an impact on my life, I really did not believe it did. But I know it did now. No doubt in my mind. It is crystal clear. It is probably time for me to revisit the BB, sober for once.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Yes you can if the person is contrite and truly makes the effort to rectify any wrongs that has been done. It's called forgiveness. Though it's a burden the person will bear for al ong time.

We need to move beyond whats the popular media and extreme mainstream liberally-inclined psychology thesis on absolutism. While violent behavior is unacceptable it's not a reason to write a person or a marrage off altogether.


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