# D-Day Looms



## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

So I'm flying up to see my husband (jeez, I still do like the sound of that little label, silly as it is) in just over a week.
I am so nervous. We talked on the phone today (about more than practical things) for the first time really since I told him I wanted the separation (roughly 3 weeks ago).
It started out fine. Some of what he was saying actual opened a little ray of hope for me - basically he was saying that he loves and misses me very much, and hopes that my visit will sort of "re-awaken" my long-buried love for him, but regardless of what I decide is right, he just wants me to be happy. If it's with him, wonderful, but even if not, then he wants me happy. And I understand that - no one wants to be with someone who isn't happy (you know, generally speaking).
That made me feel like I could open up a little and talk about some of what's been bothering me. That's when the conversation devolved. I did my best to say these things in a non-accusatory or insulting way. Hard stuff to say and hear, but I did my best. He got very defensive and followed this pattern: he's hurt so he gets angry. he lashes out to make himself feel better. He wasn't totally off the deep end, but I could see where it was headed. I ended the conversation (calmly), and he later texted to apologize.
I feel like I need to tell him certain things that are important to me, but as I said, it's hard stuff. I'm concerned that if I do express myself and my feelings, this will end badly. It may well end anyway, but I would hope we could do it with a degree of respect and fairness.
Something he said really struck me: "Maybe we were really just supposed to be lifelong friends and took a wrong turn."
I do love & care about him. But I don't know if he will be willing or able to change the things I need him to. And it's not fair for me to force him. I also want us both to be happy. Ridiculously, wonderfully, satisfyingly happy.
Should I tell him the absolute truth about what I've been feeling and thinking, or would it be wise to just spend a few days together, see how it goes, then sit on it for a few more before deciding? He won't be patient after the visit; if I want to continue a separation rather than decide absolutely, he won't wait more than a week, MAYBE two. At the most.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Communication is critical to a relationship. If you are not able to communicate, then the relationship is doomed. 

You don't have to say "you make me feel..." but instead say "I feel...". this removes the accusatory implication. But definately tell the truth, you don't need to soften it. 

If he won't listen or gets defensive, then maybe you should just be friends; otherwise, it's a one sided relationship (with him doing the talking and never listening). 

"He won't wait"? If it's love and worth keeping, he should be able to wait. And to work on those things YOU want from the relationship. 

Please don't settle. Get what you want from life, not only what he wants to give.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

dcrim said:


> Communication is critical to a relationship. If you are not able to communicate, then the relationship is doomed.
> 
> You don't have to say "you make me feel..." but instead say "I feel...". this removes the accusatory implication. But definately tell the truth, you don't need to soften it.
> 
> ...


I try to say "It makes me feel" or "I feel", but I may be guilty of saying "you make me feel". But I'm trying to emphasize that it's how I feel or the impression I get, leaving it open for him to correct an impression, or at least understand how I'm feeling even if he doesn't agree with it.
I don't want to drag this out either way, but I don't want to screw it up by being hasty. One minute he's angry about changes and choices he's made (or things he says I MADE him do) in the past because he loves me and wants to make me happy, then next he's apologetic and understanding and saying that he's open to doing the work needed to repair things. I worry that if he chooses (I told him I don't want to MAKE him do anything) to work on the things that bother me, even though he doesn't really agree, that it will blow up in my face down the line because he'll resent me.
I don't want to settle, but I don't want to blow something that could be really good again.
I am admittedly quite scared right now, especially with this trip coming up. It was MY choice to go, but I'm anxious nonetheless.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

I leave for my visit in less than 6 days. I am naseous with anxiety and fear.
I think I am scared to let myself WANT to try, to let myself be open and vulnerable again. I guess in some ways, I am scared that if I do let myself be vulnerable and hopeful that I will only be dissapointed again.
I really don't want to give up because I feel like I've given up on many things over the years out of fear. It's like I'm afraid that if I really try at something, with 110% effort, that it will fail. But if I don't really try, the failure is not MY fault entirely. I realize that's rather silly and immature, but not without some merit.
But I don't want to drag something out that just isn't going to work, no matter how much I wish it would. I can't MAKE myself feel things that [probably] aren't there anymore. I'm just not attracted to him, especially over the last couple of years. The sex has always been really, really good, so that's not a problem. His drive is naturally higher than mine but even when I "give in", it's often because 1. I just need it badly enough and/or 2. I feel bad that it's been so long. He doesn't guilt me or push me about it, but even that doesn't seem to help. I know he's frustrated by the nose dive our sex life has taken in the last few years, but I believe it's more symptomatic of other problems in our relationship. 
It's these problems that I'm unsure can be resolved. I DO love and care about him. If I totally hated him or if he was an evil jerk, that would make it easier. But he is fundementally a good person. But I have lots of friends that are fundementally good people; I wouldn't marry/be in a romantic relationship with them though.
Any thoughts before I head up there are very much appreciated!


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You do NOT "MAKE" him do anything. It's HIS choice! 

Each person has choices in their lives. He's making his. 

His choices are not your fault or responsibility. 

The next time he says that -- you tell him: BS!!! It's YOUR choice, not mine! 

If he won't accept that, then, girl, walk away. With your head held high. And let him always wonder what he's lost.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ViaCi said:


> I leave for my visit in less than 6 days. I am naseous with anxiety and fear.
> I think I am scared to let myself WANT to try, to let myself be open and vulnerable again. I guess in some ways, I am scared that if I do let myself be vulnerable and hopeful that I will only be dissapointed again.
> I really don't want to give up because I feel like I've given up on many things over the years out of fear. It's like I'm afraid that if I really try at something, with 110% effort, that it will fail. But if I don't really try, the failure is not MY fault entirely. I realize that's rather silly and immature, but not without some merit.
> But I don't want to drag something out that just isn't going to work, no matter how much I wish it would. I can't MAKE myself feel things that [probably] aren't there anymore. I'm just not attracted to him, especially over the last couple of years. The sex has always been really, really good, so that's not a problem. His drive is naturally higher than mine but even when I "give in", it's often because 1. I just need it badly enough and/or 2. I feel bad that it's been so long. He doesn't guilt me or push me about it, but even that doesn't seem to help. I know he's frustrated by the nose dive our sex life has taken in the last few years, but I believe it's more symptomatic of other problems in our relationship.
> ...


viaci,
i've been kinda lookin' over your shoulder on this thread...hoping for whatever "the best" is for you...i do believe that this trip is the best thing for you...you sound like you have grown over the years with your showbiz dude and he kinda stagnated...so don't be surprised if his behavior while you're in NY seems kinda...uh...young...

don't expect fireworks to go off or lightning to strike or any other profound things that make you believe the "spark" is back...calm, rational, adult love sometimes is not that drastic...but you'll know if there's something there, or there's something left to build on...because i don't think you want "the old days" relationship...you should want one that include you...today's you...

good luck. enjoy the city while you're there. there's nothing quite like NYC.


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## ViaCi (Nov 12, 2008)

dcrim said:


> You do NOT "MAKE" him do anything. It's HIS choice!
> 
> Each person has choices in their lives. He's making his.
> 
> ...


I have told him that - he's just as stubborn as I am, so I can't make him do anything any more than he can.

Voivod - 
Yes, I have definitely grown over the years, especially in terms of self-awareness. I can't say it's steady or complete, but I was such a mess when we lived in Los Angeles, many people from those days would not recognize me (in terms of personality, I look mostly the same  )
I'm not expecting fireworks or anything drastic. But yes, I need to see how I feel around him again. I think in some ways HE wants things to be the way they were when we first were together. But he tends to wear rose-colored glasses looking to the past; sure we had sex like teenaged rabbits and spent lots of time just hanging out with friends - the things you do when you don't have much to be responsible for and you're in your early 20's. And I do enjoy many of the things we used to do then even now, but I am no longer the party girl who used to wear a bikini-style top while clubbing every weekend. My abs and my adult dignity rule that out now, lol.
I think what will be really important on this visit is for me to express what's bothering me, and what I want/need in life & a relationship. If he can't meet those needs and wants without feeling like he's compromising his own (because he'll just resent me), then I think we need to move on, apart.
I AM SO SCARED; I'm trying hard not to obsess about all this but I'm sure you all know that's next to impossible not to do!


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