# ok i know everyone here is gonna say im an idiot! i guess i am!



## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

I know everyone here will probably say im an idiot and i may be, but i have been talking to my STBXH a lot lately. We have sort of become friends ever since seeing each other 2 weeks ago. 

Well last night i broke down and told him i missed him and wanted to work things out. I feel like the problems are fixable if we go to marriage counseling. We are both super jealous when we hear the other is with the opposite sex (me going on dates and him with his girlfriend). He is more sad when i go out than i am if he does. Well, he said he didnt think it was good idea to work things out. I said thats fine. But then he ended up telling me that he is thinking about working things out. 

He still has this girlfriend, but he talks to me more im pretty sure. He is the one who texts or calls me first. I never initiate contact. He texts me all day and night long. 

Today he told me he isnt sure if he's staying in North Carolina or coming back to Maryland. He said he isnt sure what he wants to do. If he stays in NC obviously its over. If he comes to MD things could possibly work out.

He told me today he cares about me more than just the mother of his children. He has not told me he loves me, nor have i told him i love him. He acts friendly with me but sort of distant. He doesnt like me asking him if he's coming back to MD or staying in Nc. He gets pretty annoyed. 

He is still with his gf and i am still going on dates with other men. I am really not sure where to go from here. I want to fix things out. I have done bad things in our marriage (nagging, emotional affair our first year in our marriage, jealous and he thinks controlling.) and he has done alot this year. This year has been the worst year of our marriage. He came back from Afghanistan and started abusing his sleeping pills, over drinking and then doing drugs once i left NC. We split up and then he got this girlfriend. I cant tell him to stop seeing his gf, he cant tell me to stop seeing guys because we are not together. We are still trying to figure out if thats what we wanna do. I know he's afraid things will go back to how they were, but my church did offer marriage counseling. I think marriage counseling could help.

Also,he is worried what our families will think because this is the third time we have split up and would get back together. (this breaking up and making up didnt start happening til he joined the military. He changed so much during his time in the military.) I dont think either family will care as long as things change.

I also have already filed for divorce, dunno how that works if we did reconcile.

Please dont judge me, i want my marriage to work. I read all the stories on sites and my marriage problems arent as bad as some. We have kids and i want to change and he finally admits his own faults. I just dont know where to go from here....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you want your marriage to work, stop seeing other people.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

Well i dunno how to get him to stop seeing his girlfriend because he is saying he is thinking about if he wants to work things out or not. We split up in March, he ended things. He has had no interest in working things out til recently. At first he said no he didnt think it was a good idea because he is sick of the back and forth. But by the end of the conversation he said he doesnt know. Then today he said he wasnt sure what he wants to do. I know he is afraid things will go back to how they were and everything will fall apart again. He also said he isnt sure because ive been so back and forth and my emotions have been all over the place. Which they have been but i think thats normal when youre in the process of divorcing. 

I dont want to tell him to stop seeing his gf because like i said he isnt sure he wants to work things out. I know they dont see each other often. Shes way too young (shes only 19).


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

No one has a right to judge you or say you are an idiot. Every marriage has its issues and if you want it to work than go for it, but you have to recommit yourself wholeheartedly and really communicate with your husband and find out if he is wanting the same, make sure to talk through any outstanding issues etc, and that includes moving or not. If you really love your husband, and he is set on staying where he is, why cannot you go to be with him? Just curious... and the way I look at things.... anyway, with regards to the divorce, you can petition the court for dismissal I believe.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> No one has a right to judge you or say you are an idiot. Every marriage has its issues and if you want it to work than go for it, but you have to recommit yourself wholeheartedly and really communicate with your husband and find out if he is wanting the same, make sure to talk through any outstanding issues etc, and that includes moving or not. If you really love your husband, and he is set on staying where he is, why cannot you go to be with him? Just curious... and the way I look at things.... anyway, with regards to the divorce, you can petition the court for dismissal I believe.



I could but we had a hard time down in NC because we had no friends or family down there. I feel like him moving up here is the best option because we can be near family and have help with our kids if we want a night to ourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I didn't say to tell him or make him stop seeing his gf. I said to stop seeing other people. You. You can only control yourself.

HOW can you work on yourself and your marriage if you're dating other men?


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> No one has a right to judge you or say you are an idiot. Every marriage has its issues and if you want it to work than go for it, but you have to recommit yourself wholeheartedly and really communicate with your husband and find out if he is wanting the same, make sure to talk through any outstanding issues etc, and that includes moving or not. If you really love your husband, and he is set on staying where he is, why cannot you go to be with him? Just curious... and the way I look at things.... anyway, with regards to the divorce, you can petition the court for dismissal I believe.



I could move down there but I think him moving up here would be the best thing for us. We never got a night out when we lived in NC. We had no friends and family down there. Up here wed have a babysitter if we need a night out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Yes, listen to what that girl is saying. You CANNOT work on yourself or your marriage while seeing other men. You are not serious about R yourself and these tit for tat games you are playing will doom your relationship. I recommend you continue with your D since your marriage will never work. I have read your previous threads. Why is your self esteem so low that you would want to be with a dirt bag like your STBXH? He emotionally abused you, cheated on you, and left you to be with OW. Do you have any dignity left? If he wants R make him work for it but you have to stop the seeing other men stuff ASAP. Also being separated is NOT divorced. Unless a judge ended your marriage you both are STILL MARRIED and it is NOT okay for either of you to be in other relationships.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I didn't say to tell him or make him stop seeing his gf. I said to stop seeing other people. You. You can only control yourself.
> 
> HOW can you work on yourself and your marriage if you're dating other men?



Well I haven't gone on any dates since he said he is thinking of working out but he doesn't know that I stopped dating men
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe you should tell him?

There's so many games being played here...I don't understand. Maybe just let him go. He's a mind effer.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

Well i dont think he's really playing any games. I think he is just hesitant because we have been off and on a lot this year. He has issues from being deployed and really hasnt been the same since. I think he is confused.

I think most of the "game" playing is from me, because i wanna tell him im not dating anymore, but then again i dont want him to think im sitting around and waiting for him forever.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

Married in VA - I dont know for sure he has ever cheated. He had ended things and he got a girlfriend right away. I dont know if they had seen each other while we were together. That was the first time anything like this has ever happened between us. Im almost positive he did end things for her though. He denies this, but who knows.

Also, its not that i dont have dignity or low self esteem, a part of me is holding on to how he was before his deployment. He use to be very laid back, a good husband and good father. He came home and now i dont even know who he is anymore. He came home and has had so many issues and i seem to be the target for it all. I think he has resentment towards me because he joined the military to help our family. I was pregnant and had a child by an ex and we were being evicted from our apartment. So he joined the army. I know this may not work out, and im preparing for the worst, but i have also done messed up stuff to him too so i almost feel like this is my punishment for things in the past. (i had an emotional affair the first year of our marriage.) But i know no matter what that doesnt excuse the things he has done. I am just having a hard time letting go of who my STBXH use to be and who he is now. Its almost like that person i married had died and this new man came in my life this year who has acted and done things the man i married would have NEVER done. Its sorta hard to wrap your head around.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

momtoboys said:


> I could move down there but I think him moving up here would be the best thing for us. We never got a night out when we lived in NC. We had no friends and family down there. Up here wed have a babysitter if we need a night out
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could find a babysitter. It's one track thinking that starts conflict in marriage to begin with, and it struck me as odd, if you want your marriage to work, saying flat out, if he doesn't come back to MD then it isn't going to work. New friends can be made, and sometimes that is a good thing when you are looking for a fresh start in your marriage... just a thought. I think with reconcilliation, working things out, etc, it is soooo important that both spouses are willing to give a little. (that includes him)


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

livelaughlovenow- Im weird about leaving my kids with just anyone. I just hate NC also. The schools up here are so much better and i hate transferring my son. I would move down there of course, i have before.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Is he still in the military mom?

Because if he is one of your problems is still going to be around.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Mom,
A couple of things don't sit well here. First, you are using the term girlfriend. That term implies, at a minimum, an EA which equals cheating period. You and I both know it was more than that but in the absence of proof we'll say EA for now because we know that is true. Please stop making excuses for your H's behavior. 

Second, the man you married is gone. He is not going to mysteriously warp back into that person any time soon. You will either have to accept the new person who did the horrible things to you or move on. 

Third, you are playing teenage level games with each other. He has a GF, you lead him to believe you are dating to make him jealous, etc. THIS IS WHAT YOUR FUTURE AS HUSBAND AND WIFE WILL LOOK LIKE. This is no way to live. I would give your relationship 3 months tops. You will both need some major counseling. If he is PTSD from military service than he is broken beyond your ability to fix and needs professional help. I am not suggesting you "hate" your ex, but in his current form he is not marriage material based on what you have told us here. Of course, the choice is yours and I doubt anyone here will say "I told you so." Remember, guard yourself no matter what you choose.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

married in VA - im not saying he had an EA i did our first year of marriage with my oldest sons father, there were a few times that i almost left my STBXH for my oldest sons father. I ended up stopping the ea and chose my husband and havent done that since. i am however still good friends with my oldest sons father but nothing is going on with us now. That EA lasted a few months, i dont remember how far in to our marriage but i do know it was within the first year.

H has ptsd and TBI from being blown up by ieds. He was getting help when he first got home but all they did was give him medication which he ended up abusing. I know he is really messed up from his deployment. He has told me he ended up going crazy living with me because i tried to talk about his deployment and he wants to forget it happened. How was i suppose to know not to talk about it? I know nothing but what the FRG mailed me of the deaths. I know he has been blown up a few times and i also know he was a gunner and had been in some pretty bad gun fights, his good friend got shot with an RPG in the chest and my STBXH had to get his dead body and put it on his truck. Those are pretty much the only thing he has told me. Im not making excuses for him. I know he needs help more than just getting medication but he says he doesnt wanna talk about what he's been through. 

I guess i am just missing the marriage we had before his deployment. We use to be bestfriends and we got so close during his deployment, then he came home and like i said started abusing sleeping pills, became an alcoholic and was cold and distant and our right mean to me. And i have been a target for alot of his issues. He has taken alot out on me. He is not only cold and distant towards me, but his family and his friends (other than his army friends.) and his own kids. I know he needs help. He finally admitted yesterday he knows he needs help. I just wish he'd get it. But you're right the guy i was once with will never be back. Specially with PTSD. I know someone who has been with someone with combat PTSD for 20 years and she says how hard it is all of the time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Way too much drama. You really want this back?


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

also i havent told him im dating anyone, i told him i have been going on dates, which i have gone on two dates. I got asked on a date for tomorrow but am not really sure if i should go. not saying it to make him jealous because at this time when i went on the dates i was going dark w/him and we hadnt spoke in a while.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

that girl- no definitely dont want the relationship we have had this year back. I miss our old relationship. But writting all this makes me realize im never gonna have that relationship again. He does have a bunch of issues from being deployed and he needs individual counseling before marriage counseling. He really needs help for his issues.


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## momtoboys (Apr 22, 2012)

i also know the divorce rate for military families after deployment are extremely high. Almost everyone in his platoon that was married is getting divorced.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

momtoboys, you're really looking a gift horse in the mouth. Not to be too hard on you but the idiotic thing you keep doing is finding things to get upset about that push him away. You're husband is on the fence about divorce and every fight you have over what you want not being what he wants is just stressing him out and making the OW's comfort seem like the better option.

If you really want him back then you better honor your original promises to not pressure him either way and then be *CONSISTENT* with it. You say you two are friends, but good friends don't try to guilt trip one another into saying "I love you" or break up with their current relationships. You've got to ignore those selfish emotional thoughts and use a little psychology. "You can be right, or you can be happy" Memorize that phrase and burn it into your mind!

Now I want you to keep reminding yourself that he's under a lot of pressure and doesn't need any more drama from you. The best course of action here is to use a little mental judo and agree to what he wants, then completely stop complaining and arguing with him. You lost that right to nag when he left, save it for TAM or your best gf. Completely let go of any expectations or plans of him coming home on your terms. This will only hurt you when he doesn't meet your deadlines or pass your tests.

Your best course of action is to follow the 180 and present yourself in such a way that you are the better option and he wants to talk with you more. Every minute he spends talking to you is a minute he is not talking to her. You want this, so don't give him any negative expectations that the two of you will constantly fight. Let the OW be that person and blow it all on her own he goes complaining to her about your divorce issues. 

Suck it up princess and act happy around him, no matter how hurt you are act happy that you're getting divorced and both of you can be free. A little reverse psychology and freedom from pressure goes a long way. And hey, it's not like you'll never hear from him again... you have two kids together he'll miss and want to see, and no matter what you two have a past together that's practically impossible to forget. And you know their affair isn't going to last.... not only because exit affairs are notoriously short but I bet she has no idea about his military temper or tendency towards addiction. I wish her the best of luck if she thinks she can fix all of that!


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