# Staying together for our daughter...



## confused36 (Mar 16, 2011)

Ok, I am so lost right now. Need someone to talk to, or maybe i will just feel better getting this off my chest. So my husband and I met 10 years ago, and will have been married 8 years next month. Until this year we have had a normal relationship, we do fight, but we make up, we laugh together, do things together, enjoy raising our daughter (who is now almost 6) together. We both used to be content. And then, I don't know what went wrong. 

My husband has alot on his plate, he got laid off almost 3 years ago, and has been unable to find full time work since. He is currently working with 3 different companies just to try to get 40 hours a week. Some weeks, he works 6 days and 40 plus hours, some weeks there is 2 or 3 days of work, non of which he has any control over. On top of that, his mother is very ill, and needs constant care. She is bedridden with only his 81 year old father to take care of her and they live 2 hours away, so in his "free time" he drives up there to help out as much as he can. He spends 1- 3 nights a week up there depending on his work schedule. I totally feel for him, I know how hard things are right now. I also think he is depressed on top of everything else. Feels like a let down because he isn't bringing in anywhere close to what I am money wise, and we are struggling. I think all of the above is why he is so unhappy, and I am getting thrown in with everything else in his life he is unhappy with.

To be fair, I should admit that my hubby is an awesome Dad, and generally a very good person. He goes out of his way to help anyone out. He is great with my family, and is constantly doing favors for everyone. He fixes all thier computers, makes food for everyone, when at my parents, he will walk in and make everyone whatever they want to drink out of the bar. He laughs, and jokes around with everyone, he is just a guy everyone could like. All around nice guy, and lots of fun.

With that said, my "content bubble" was burst in Feb. of this year, when I accidently came across our on-line wireless statement. I was looking for information on when our contract was up, and sort of stumbled across details on text messages. My husband was texting the same number sometimes 70 times a day. I was shocked. I texted him as soon as I saw it, and he confessed, he met someone at one of the jobs. They had been texting back and forth (I went through the whole statement, could see the day they started up until the day I found them, it was total of 12 days). He told me they were "just friends" nothing happened, they only contacted each other through text. When I asked why, he said she made him feel good about himself. She payed attention to him. Etc. At this point, he was not staying at his parents at all, just going up one day a week to help his Dad (and work up there). I say that because I am guilty of being paranoid about all the time he spends up there now. To his credit the texts to this other woman stopped the day I confronted him about it. - but again with my paranoia I think maybe he could have just purchased a prepaid phone, I would be none the wiser. I have looked for it everywhere I can think of and never came across it (just to be fair).

So we sit and talk abut the texting when he gets home that night. He tells me he is not happy, and hasn't been happy with our relationship in some time, and he doesn't think I have been either. I'll say my husband is a type A personality. Very intense, speaks before he thinks, and he can be brutal with his mouth (but does always seem to regret after it all comes out of his mouth). I am more laid back, but after being put down so much for so long, we'll just say he taught me how to spar. I am now just as bad, the second he raises his voice and lashes into me, I am quick to jump up and give as good as I get. Nothing was off limits, including making him feel bad about his job situation (I know that is horrible), but he goes for the juggular, and it is hard to stop myself from trying to hurt him as much as he is hurting me. The only part of the horrible fighting that is new, is that the past 18 months or so, I have been lashing out at him as well. Before I would just tell him to f-off, and go into another room until he calmed down. Anything can set him off. It can be as simple as him not remembering where he put his keys, somehow it is my fault he lost them, and off he goes. He also constantly yells about the house being messy (I take care of housework when he is working full time, but he will go off on me about the house being a mess on weeks when he has no work, and I feel he should be cleaning), I work full time, and take my daughter to child care (family) every morning, and pick her up every afternoon on my way home. Most average days I leave at 7:45 AM and get home around 6:30PM. My husband does cook, but then I have to clean up dinner, do laundry, get my daughter bathed, spend some time with her before bed etc. I feel like he is such a jerk for expecting me to clean by the time I am done all that (usually around 9:30 or 10:00PM) when he has been home all day. I am sorry, but I still feel this way. I have to have time to relax and unwind too...otherwise what is the point? but I digress...

So, after our talk, I try I really TRY (and succeed) in not getting into these verbal sparring matches with him. He starts going off, and I just calmly say I am not getting into this with him right now. I start doing almost all the housework, whether he is working or not, I go out of my way to not do things that I know annoy the hell out of him (I have a bad habit of walking in the door and leaving my shoes under the coffee table, and I know he HATES that. Little things like that just get to him, so I try to be considerate (even though I feel like what does it matter if they are under the table, no one is going to trip over them) but ANYWAY. A month goes by, I feel like I am putting in all this effort, and I am in hell. He isn't trying to change anything about himself, and I feel like he doesn't care about me at all. So I talk to him. I ask him have you noticed the effort I am putting in. he says yes, he does notice, but he is still not happy. So at this point, I am like I don't know what else to do. He made me feel like he doesn't care about me at all and no matter what I do that isn't going to change. So, i just decide, I have to get out, I can't live like this. So, I get home from work the next day and tell him I am leaving. I pack my stuff, and take my daughter to my parents. It was hell, it was HORRIBLE, to be going through that with like no privacy. My parents are great, but they want to talk about everything (they have no idea to this day about the texting). So I am feeling like he & I are done, but feeling horrible guilt about breaking up my child's family. My parents stayed together for us, and I am so thankful they did, because I know it was hard for them some of the time. I felt more guilty about breaking up her famliy then upset about my marriage failing. So, he calls me the day after I leave, wants to talk. So I meet him. He says he is not ready to give up on our marriage, but not ready to completely commit to putting the work in to fix things either. He asks me for more time. We decide we will give it another month and talk again and he will decide what he wants to do then. I stay away for 1 week, and then I can't anymore. It was so hard for me and my daughter to be away from home. I come home, but he takes her certain nights, meaning they have dinner together a few nights and stay in my room or go out to a friends, etc, and I take her certain nights, she & I have dinner together. We do this for 2 weeks, then it is just like back to normal. We have dinner as a family (and I am loving this). We start spending Saturdays together (as we always did Saturday is family day, the 3 of us do stuff together every Saturday). At the end of the month, he is ready to commit to working on things again.

During this month, he starts spending alot of time with his parents and we both realize how bad the situation has become. The father is digressing now because it is all too much for him. So I tell him that he should start spending as much time up there as possible (I mention this becuase now I am paranoid about all the time he is up there, and it was my idea to being with! ). I feel like I am losing my mind i really do. 

Ok, as far as the bedroom, things have always been very hot between us, but while we are "Seperated" I don't know how to describe it, it was like we both put all our feelings into sex. Like it was just sex we didn't cuddle after or anything, but it was amazing sex. It didnt matter what I looked like either, I could just get out of bed (we were sleeping in seperate rooms) and have like a ratty nightshirt on, and puffy eyes first thing in the morning, and he would be attacking me. It was so hot. 

So, after our month, we talk, and he wants to work on things. 

The sex gets even better, best of our entire relationship. But it gets a little weird, he wants to talk about me being with other guys, and he is like getting off on it, he is really into it. And I say how can you love me and want me to have sex with other men. He tells me it is his fetish and he never could talk to me about it before. I think this is a good thing, he is opening up. So I play along, yeah I am gonna screw so many guys, whatever, but I do keep saying after we are done, you don't really want me to do that right? I mean I don't want him having sex with other women. There is nothing sexy about that to me at all. And again the paranoia...does he want me to do this, because he wants to feel less guilty about what he may be doing. Is this all in my head? I still don't know. He swears there is no one else. As a side note, as of our talk Saturday night, I have now stopped having sex with him. He asked for it on Sunday, and for the first time in our relationship I said no. I feel horrible, but I am just so frustrated, and just done, I have nothing more to give...

For the past 3 weeks, he has been distant again. Spending no time with me or our daughter. When he is home he is working in the basment (he has a recording studio in our basement) he is trying to launch a new CD for a band this fall, so I convince myself, he is just trying to get that done and he has been working crazy hours the past 6 - 8 weeks. Now he starts picking fights with me again. He never wants to make plans, we are campers in general, he doesn't want to go this year, so I take my daughter by myself (well with my sister and her fiance), but my husband doesn't come. So my daughter tells him she missed him wants him to go next time. So he does, but he is still distant, and acting like he would rather be anywhere else in the world. Now we are finally up to this weekend. Friday he comes home from work around 10:00PM says Hi, and that he is tired and goes right into the studio. I wait and wait and finally at like 1AM I go down to tell him I am going to bed. When I walk in, he is working one of his tower PCs but I notice there is a usb lit up on the laptop (which the laptop is closed) so now I am paranoid about what he is doing, he sees me looking at the laptop, but he doesn't say anything. he says good night an I go back upstairs. he works on Saturday, my parents keep my daughter on Saturday nights. So, I decide to make him a nice dinner. I go to 3 different stores to get all the ingredients he likes. Then I take my daughter swimming at my parents. I text him at 5PM asking when he is getting off. He says he will be home by 5:30. I say ok, I will be home by 6:15. At 5:40 he sends me a text he is tired and goingto lay down. I get home at 6:30 he is sound asleep. I crawl into bed with him at 7:15, and he says he is not feeling good. He is acting like he is pissed at me, but I have no idea why. So I finish dinner, we sit down to eat, and he is miserable. So I say what is wrong with you? Your snapping at me for no reason, and then he drops the bomb. "I have been feeling un-happy again. I thought the passion would fix us, but it didn't." He says me telling him all the time how I feel when he tells me he wants me to sleep with other men, makes him realize, yes you can't feel that way about someone you love about your life partner, the mother of your child. Says he is not happy with us as a couple. Whatever, I am at my wits end. I tell him I am NOT breaking up my daughter's family, so I tell him fine, we will be in an open marriage, he does whatever he wants and I do whatever I want, and we stay a family for her. He says he doesn't want an open marriage, but he isn't happy, and he can't leave because he doesn't make enough money...God so after everything he is only staying with me because he has no where else to go? I feel so freaking low right now. This open marriage in some ways kills me to consider, but in others, I just am so done with feeling like I don't matter. I want to find someone who will appreciate me. I want to feel like someone appreciates the effort I put in to make them feel good, and all the while not break up my daughter's family. Am I nuts? If you have actually read all of this, I am sorry, I didn't meant go on and on, but I am lost, and I really would love to hear some feedback.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Be careful with this fetish, I have it too. I enjoy the thought of having the missus pleasured like a queen all over with many hands feeling her smooth skin and sexy curves. But...

I would have lost respect for her if she did, guess she was smart to say no. Besides she's been there, done that. He only sees you sexually from sounds of things.


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## confused36 (Mar 16, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. I also said no, but would say maybe while we were in the middle of things just to get him off. Don't understand this fetish, but didn't want him to hide it from me either. Yes, I agree only sex. That is all he wants from me. Was trying to get in my bed again last night, doesn't want to talk about us or our relationship, just wants sex. GGGRRR!! So frustrating...


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## Masonsmommy (Aug 5, 2011)

Hey - I read your story and I really feel for you. I too am in a marriage that is falling apart, and I am terrified to leave since we have a little boy. I get sick to my stomach even thinking about it. I think that you deserve so much more than this, and you cannot ever be the one putting in 100% of the effort. It appears to me that he is not trying because he doesn't have to - you say you don't want to leave, he knows he isn't going to lose you no matter how little effort he puts in...you're basically giving him his cake and feeding it to him too. I do not blame you - I am in the same boat. I let everything slide, no matter how hurtful or disrespectful or downright cruel because I've been dreaming of another baby for so long. I want my son to have a sibling so badly that I sweep everything else under the rug and my husband can treat me any way he wants to, and knows I will take it because he has something I want. I know it's dysfunctional - just being honest. 

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that you're not entirely alone and I really hope you realize how much more you deserve. In the end, I really feel that it would mean more to our kids to see us happy and in love following our hearts - whether it's with their fathers or someone else. I sure wouldn't want my son to stay in a relationship like this. 

Big hugs

-Amy


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## goodmom72 (Jul 20, 2011)

I feel so awful reading your post. Let me tell you, beyond a point it will get really difficult to stay for your child. I talk from my own experience. 

My marriage of 3 yrs is breaking up. Things started to go downhill from the minute my baby was born last April. He never really cared to bond with the baby. I was at my mother's place for delivery and the excuse he would always give was he felt out of place at my mother's place!! ok I better stop about my story right here or I would still be trying to finish up same time next year!!!

When your expectations are not met at the end of the day it will get really frustrating to just go through the motions. Be honest with yourself. Do you actually believe your daughter will have a conducive environment to grow up in, with the present state of affairs between u and ur H? 

If you really want to stay for you girl, convince him to try counseling if you haven't already suggested it to him. At the end of the day if ur H doesn't care enough to want to make things work, no matter how hard you try, the efforts will seem futile and your frustration will only increase.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Put yourself in your daughter's shoes, right now, and then ask yourself whether you would choose to have a mommy and a daddy or a happy mommy.

Now back to your own shoes and ask yourself which is more important, your daughter or your self. Then do what you think is right. Just remember, this is an important teaching moment and what you decide will be the blueprint for your daughter's life. You get to decide through your actions what you want her to be. It doesn't get any more real than this.


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