# I Want Out



## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Here is a little history:

-My husband and I have been together 12, married 11.

-I have 3 children (21, 18, 16) by a previous marriage. He has 1 child (19) by a previous marriage.

-We got married, because we were living together, and his ex-wife didn't approve.

-The first 1/2 of our marriage, he was at the local bar every night. He would quit working at 4:00, and head straight to the bar. Then one day, he got drunk and got sick, and he only has a beer probably twice a year.

-We have lost two houses and four vehicles.

-We have been separated twice in the past 2 years.

-He had to give up his first business, because he had too many dissatisfied customers.

-He went to work for a large company and was fired, due to lack of organization and poor management on his part.

-He went to work for another large company. The company was bought out and he ended up with a new boss. He didn't like the boss so he quit.

-Was out of work for almost a year. During this time is when we lost our home and one vehicle.

-Has been working with the same company for about 3 years. He also has his own business, but has a problem finishing jobs on time or at all.

-He doesn't take pride in how he looks. I will buy him new clothes, and within a month they will be ruined with paint, glue, sheetrock mud......whatever.

-I have to remind him to put on his deodorant.

-I am very girly. I like to have on nice clothes, my hair and makeup on.

-He is very affectionate, almost too affectionate.

-He is very needy, wanting all of my time devoted to him.

I want out....for good. I let him come back after 4 months of separation. And now 4 months later, I want out. I thought that I could change the way that I felt, but I can't. I feel absolutely horrible. He depends on me for a lot of things, including sending invoices and quotes to customers. He tells me that he can't run his business without me. He tells me that he can't live without me. I asked him to leave over the weekend, and he told me that he would just commit suicide, that life isn't worth living without me. I know that is just a manipulation tactic, but it makes me feel horrible about wanting out. But I also feel horrible for pretending, when we could both be getting on with our lives.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He was successful in manipulating you to feel guilt. People with low esteem issues will use guilt tactics, because they lack the confidence in themselves. It is selfish, because what is best for you is not considered.

You have to realize that it is not your fault in how his life turned out. If he lacks sufficient skills, then owning his own business was probably a bad idea.

I think it is more of his attitude that help you lose attraction to him, not to mention respect as well. He has a hand in that perception of himself. People do not like being around negativity, because it often influence themselves as well. They drain the energy out of everything.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You have to realize that it is not your fault in how his life turned out. If he lacks sufficient skills, then owning his own business was probably a bad idea.
> 
> I think it is more of his attitude that help you lose attraction to him, not to mention respect as well. He has a hand in that perception of himself. People do not like being around negativity, because it often influence themselves as well. They drain the energy out of everything.


He has his own business, because he doesn't like to be told what to do. He likes to work when he wants to. If he worked for someone else, he couldn't stay on the phone or smoke cigarettes all day.

You hit the nail on the head about the negativity. I'm fine around other people, even at work. But as soon as I get home, I start feeling down and depressed. Most days I dread going home!


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

I know that I'm not perfect, by any means. I will admit, and have admitted, that I am not a good wife. I don't do things for him that I used to do. And most of the time, I can be a downright b***h. I just feel like he's pushed me so far away, that's all I can be right now.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, he is influencing you in negative ways. Lets say there is a married couple. One goes home and plays video games all day, eats and then sleep. The other spouse will end up being neglected. They might not had much of an anger problem before, but as the years drag on, and this turns into a cycle, the neglected spouse will have more and more of an anger issue.

Perhaps being with someone like him is bringing out the worse in you. If a child is a blank slate, grows up in an abusive and neglectful home, really, would it be a surprise if the child turns out horrible.

Even though you are an adult, people around you still influence you. Our brains are still plastic where they change and grow.

Meaning, if you spent a majority of your time around positive people, it will effect you more positively, while being around negative influence will influence you in the negative.

So your husband is whiny, lazy, and negative. Over time, what is the probability of someone staying with someone like that, and what are the chances that it will not cause someone to develop anger issues, especially towards him. I am sure you have noticed over the years that you become more short with him, and it takes longer and longer to get over the anger.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

I have become more short with him over time. I used to do things for him, but he would show no appreciation. This year I didn't even get him anything for his birthday, not even a card. Past years I would get him something, and he would make comments like "this isn't what I wanted". Why do something for someone that isn't going to appreciate it?

I have been told by multiple friends and family members that I'm not the same person when he's around. I like to joke around and laugh, but I feel like I can't do that around him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So how long are you going to allow him to manipulate and control? You'll either allow it or you won't, and so far you have. Tell him to leave and when suicide cones up call 911.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> So how long are you going to allow him to manipulate and control? You'll either allow it or you won't, and so far you have. Tell him to leave and when suicide cones up call 911.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know why I allow him to manipulate me. I don't want to hurt anyone, even though I'm allowing myself to be hurt and unhappy. I've got to put my big girl panties on and do this!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

grushim1239 said:


> I don't know why I allow him to manipulate me. I don't want to hurt anyone, even though I'm allowing myself to be hurt and unhappy. I've got to put my big girl panties on and do this!!


There's a good chance he'll do a lot better once he can't lean on you. Sometimes we don't realize we're actually hurting those we don't want to hurt by enabling them. 

From your description he doesn't sound all that happy with you either, but he's comfortable and afraid of being alone. It's not really a life for him. 

People who control and manipulate like him never matured emotionally and that's how they force people to stick around. If you stopped enabling him he might be forced to grow up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> There's a good chance he'll do a lot better once he can't lean on you. Sometimes we don't realize we're actually hurting those we don't want to hurt by enabling them.
> 
> From your description he doesn't sound all that happy with you either, but he's comfortable and afraid of being alone. It's not really a life for him.
> 
> ...


When I wasn't around a few months ago, he ran to his sister to help him with everything. His uncle, parents, and sister always bail him out of any troubles he may have. While we were separated, his parents took out a loan on a brand new truck for him. He likes to "poor mouth" so that they feel sorry for him. 

I really don't know why he would want to be with me other than being afraid of being alone. I'm downright rude to him most of the time, because of all the resentment that I have towards him.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

So, what are you waiting for? You're done, you want out. He's a grown man and, believe it or not, WILL figure out how to get things done.

Just file, already.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

grushim1239 said:


> When I wasn't around a few months ago, he ran to his sister to help him with everything. His uncle, parents, and sister always bail him out of any troubles he may have. While we were separated, his parents took out a loan on a brand new truck for him. He likes to "poor mouth" so that they feel sorry for him.
> 
> I really don't know why he would want to be with me other than being afraid of being alone. I'm downright rude to him most of the time, because of all the resentment that I have towards him.


So he has other enablers in his life. Doesn't mean you need to be one of them. 

Let him make his sister account to him for any money she spends, see how that flies.


Rip the band aid off and tell him to leave now. When he threatens suicide tell him you're sorry to hear that and call 911. Then tell him again to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

grushim1239 said:


> *He has his own business, because he doesn't like to be told what to do. He likes to work when he wants to. If he worked for someone else, he couldn't stay on the phone or smoke cigarettes all day.*
> 
> You hit the nail on the head about the negativity. I'm fine around other people, even at work. But as soon as I get home, I start feeling down and depressed. Most days I dread going home!


Ugh, I cant stand people who are like this! Part of being a functioning member of society is having to be able to deal with someone else being in charge sometimes! I have known a few people like this. 

And dreading going home is a sure sign you need to get the hell OUT. I've been there. I left.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Your H needs therapy. Trying to control someone with suicide is a huge red flag as someone who has not self actualized. 

It also sounds like he has a lot of personal issues and he anchors the mess that is his life on the relationship and pours his heart into it. He is probably also falling into the passive aggressive nice guy trap where "if I am super affectionate and nice and I love my wife intensely, then my failure to take care of myself or my irresponsibility should not matter." It takes a sort of narcism to sell to yourself that how intense you feel is a actually an expression of love to another person. If that does not inspire him to words or action that express that love, then its just all about how he feels.

I doesn't sound like he ever grew up. He needs therapy, and to fix his own issues before he can even think about working on a relationship with anyone and it does not sound like you are willing to stick around for that. Who can blame you?

Sorry you are going through this, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders to march out of this and find a good life.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Your H needs therapy. Trying to control someone with suicide is a huge red flag as someone who has not self actualized.
> 
> It also sounds like he has a lot of personal issues and he anchors the mess that is his life on the relationship and pours his heart into it. *He is probably also falling into the passive aggressive nice guy trap where "if I am super affectionate and nice and I love my wife intensely, then my failure to take care of myself or my irresponsibility should not matter."* It takes a sort of narcism to sell to yourself that how intense you feel is a actually an expression of love to another person. If that does not inspire him to words or action that express that love, then its just all about how he feels.
> 
> ...


You are so right. I can definitely see signs of narcism in him. I did a questionnaire about narcisist people. There were 50 questions and about 40 of the questions I answered yes to. 

He's constantly telling me that I'll never find a man as good to me as he is or someone that will love me as much as he does. He's constantly telling me what a good husband he is.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yes, it is best to get out. He will boost his own ego through affirmation, and attack you as the problem to hide his own insecurity.

Escaping him will give you the clarity to sort everything out. If he threatens to kill himself, dial 9-1-1, and let medical professionals handle him, he is beyond your help.

Being around him will only cause mental instability in yourself, and priority should be you first.

Have you created an escape plan yet?

Your not responsible for his life.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The problem is all inside your head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover

She said it's really not my habit to intrude
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again
I said I appreciate that and would you please explain
About the fifty ways

She said why don't we both just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning you'll begin to see the light
And then she kissed me and I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
Fifty ways to leave your lover

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Yes, it is best to get out. He will boost his own ego through affirmation, and attack you as the problem to hide his own insecurity.
> 
> Escaping him will give you the clarity to sort everything out. If he threatens to kill himself, dial 9-1-1, and let medical professionals handle him, he is beyond your help.
> 
> ...


My only escape plan is to ask him to leave. If I tell him enough that I'm not happy, he will eventually leave. I'm trying to get my finances in order first. However, I may just have to get him to leave and get my finances in order second.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> The problem is all inside your head she said to me
> The answer is easy if you take it logically
> I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
> There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
> ...


I really like this!!!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

grushim1239 said:


> I really like this!!!


I am mostly pro-marriage, but it sounds like this is a tough situation to be in and he is little more than a child adult.

2 houses and four cars?
The beginning of your marriage must have been a lot of fireworks and lightning.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> I am mostly pro-marriage, but it sounds like this is a tough situation to be in and he is little more than a child adult.
> 
> 2 houses and four cars?
> The beginning of your marriage must have been a lot of fireworks and lightning.


Yes, 2 houses and 4 cars. My marriage has never been more than mediocre. Once I started living with him, I felt like I was stuck. From the beginning he told me that I'd never make it without him and that no one would ever love me like he does. I was a single mom of 3, and didn't think that anyone would ever want me.....but he did. Then we got married, because his ex-wife wouldn't let his son come over if we weren't married. Finally, 11 years later, I got up the nerve to ask him to leave. I was finally secure with myself and grounded enough to be on my own. And then Christmas came along, and I felt lonely. Two days after Christmas he called me. And out of pure loneliness I let him come back. But I'm lonely with him.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

So when he thinks I'm unhappy he gets "sick". He's been complaining of feeling like he's going to pass out, tingling left arm, numb feet, and not being able to walk. Well a week ago, he told me that he had a Dr. appointment this Thursday at 3:30. Well I began to suspect that he didn't really have a Dr. appointment. I asked him today what time it was, so that I could go with him. He told me it was at 2:00 on Thursday. I searched his cell phone records (I know, I know) for the past month, not finding any phone number to any doctor's office. Well at 1:59 today, he called the Dr. to make an appointment. 

What I don't understand, is why lie about having a Dr. appointment, if you don't? Obviously you aren't about to die, like you say that you are if you haven't make a Dr. appointment.

I'm sick and tired of the lies.....big and small. I'm about to call him out on this. I wanted to wait to get my finances in order, but my finances may have to get in order after he leaves!!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

grushim1239 said:


> You are so right. I can definitely see signs of narcism in him. I did a questionnaire about narcisist people. There were 50 questions and about 40 of the questions I answered yes to.
> 
> He's constantly telling me that I'll never find a man as good to me as he is or someone that will love me as much as he does. He's constantly telling me what a good husband he is.


That sounds like a bunch of malarkey to me. There are plenty of men out there who behave like actual adult men, not spoiled children.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

grushim1239 said:


> So when he thinks I'm unhappy he gets "sick". He's been complaining of feeling like he's going to pass out, tingling left arm, numb feet, and not being able to walk. Well a week ago, he told me that he had a Dr. appointment this Thursday at 3:30. Well I began to suspect that he didn't really have a Dr. appointment. I asked him today what time it was, so that I could go with him. He told me it was at 2:00 on Thursday. I searched his cell phone records (I know, I know) for the past month, not finding any phone number to any doctor's office. Well at 1:59 today, he called the Dr. to make an appointment.
> 
> What I don't understand, is why lie about having a Dr. appointment, if you don't? Obviously you aren't about to die, like you say that you are if you haven't make a Dr. appointment.
> 
> I'm sick and tired of the lies.....big and small. I'm about to call him out on this. I wanted to wait to get my finances in order, but my finances may have to get in order after he leaves!!


Because it is all about HIM, he is looking for sympathy, a ploy to keep you distracted from what you know you need to do.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

aine said:


> Because it is all about HIM, he is looking for sympathy, a ploy to keep you distracted from what you know you need to do.


This. It's a control tactic, you already know he's controlling; that's his substitute for growing up and being a real man and husband. He knows you're miserable with him so he does everything he can to hold on. Unfortunately this doesn't include actually growing up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He obviously did it to make you feel sorry for him -- a common tactic of a narcissist -- because life's all about him. 

People feel far more lonely in bad marriages than they do when they're on their own (I speak from experience) so make that plan -- and let his family continue to enable him while you move on.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Openminded said:


> People feel far more lonely in bad marriages than they do when they're on their own (I speak from experience) so make that plan -- and let his family continue to enable him while you move on.


I definitely am more lonely than I was when I was by myself.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

grushim1239 said:


> I definitely am more lonely than I was when I was by myself.


And at least you have your independence back, your old you back. Freedom to have fun, time for yourself


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> The problem is all inside your head she said to me
> The answer is easy if you take it logically
> I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
> There must be fifty ways to leave your lover
> ...


Thats now stuck in my head....like crazy style stuck.....


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

grushim1239 said:


> Here is a little history:
> 
> -My husband and I have been together 12, married 11.
> 
> ...


You need to get out before this marriage kills you.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

grushim1239 said:


> I was a single mom of 3, and didn't think that anyone would ever want me.....but he did. Then we got married, because his ex-wife wouldn't let his son come over if we weren't married.


You married out of convenience. You both married for the wrong reasons. You are not working as a team; both of you are just looking out for yourselves. Your marriage is not going to work.

Get on your feet. Find a worthwhile job. Live on your own and find yourself. Your children are grown up. You should look within yourself and work on your self esteem. You have a life ahead and should be lived in a way that will bring you happiness if not peace.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> You married out of convenience. You both married for the wrong reasons. You are not working as a team; both of you are just looking out for yourselves. Your marriage is not going to work.
> 
> Get on your feet. Find a worthwhile job. Live on your own and find yourself. Your children are grown up. You should look within yourself and work on your self esteem. You have a life ahead and should be lived in a way that will bring you happiness if not peace.


You are right, I did marry out of convenience.

I have a great job. I make good money and my boss is having my position reclassified to a higher position with more money. It's still had to make it on my own. I am in the process of asking him to leave and complete the divorce proceedings. I'm completely unhappy and I know I will continue to be as long as he's in my life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, you'll be fine. If he's such a great deal like he claims I'm sure someone else will snap him up. But I'd bet the only women interested in him will be ones with low self esteem. 

You'll be much better off without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, you'll be fine. If he's such a great deal like he claims I'm sure someone else will snap him up. But I'd bet the only women interested in him will be ones with low self esteem.
> 
> You'll be much better off without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the kind words!!


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Unfortunately, I am still hanging in there. I've tried to tell him over and over that I am not happy......and I'm not. His response is that I should have never let him come back if I was just going to make him leave again. And to an extent I feel like he's right about that. But how many people have given it another shot, and it still didn't work? I know that I can't be the only one.

Every day when I get home from work, I lay down and go to sleep. Not because I'm tired, but because it's easier than dealing with him. I know this is no way to live! I am completely miserable! I don't want him to touch me in any way! The thought of it repulses me....and I feel horrible for feeling this way!!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

grushim1239 said:


> Unfortunately, I am still hanging in there. I've tried to tell him over and over that I am not happy......and I'm not. His response is that I should have never let him come back if I was just going to make him leave again. And to an extent I feel like he's right about that. But how many people have given it another shot, and it still didn't work? I know that I can't be the only one.
> 
> Every day when I get home from work, I lay down and go to sleep. Not because I'm tired, but because it's easier than dealing with him. I know this is no way to live! I am completely miserable! I don't want him to touch me in any way! The thought of it repulses me....and I feel horrible for feeling this way!!


So END IT. You dont need his permission to end things! Stop telling him you are unhappy and take steps toward divorce, he isnt listening, so maybe dropping the papers on his lap will wake him up.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> So END IT. You dont need his permission to end things! Stop telling him you are unhappy and take steps toward divorce, he isnt listening, so maybe dropping the papers on his lap will wake him up.



You are exactly right! He isn't listening! Obviously I'm not telling him in a way for him to listen. I need to stand up, and tell him in a way that he'll hear me. Instead of saying I'm not happy, I just need to tell him to leave. I feel bad for hurting him, but I feel worse for "stringing him along"....which is not what I'm trying to do.

Thank you!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

grushim1239 said:


> You are exactly right! He isn't listening! * Obviously I'm not telling him in a way for him to listen. I need to stand up, and tell him in a way that he'll hear me. Instead of saying I'm not happy, I just need to tell him to leave. * I feel bad for hurting him, but I feel worse for "stringing him along"....which is not what I'm trying to do.
> 
> Thank you!


Yep..."I'm done, and I need for you to leave." The way things are right now is not good for either one of you. 

And you're welcome.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yep..."I'm done, and I need for you to leave." The way things are right now is not good for either one of you.
> 
> And you're welcome.


No there not. I'm tired of sleeping my life away, just because I don't want to have to deal with him. And he needs to move on and find someone that can love him the way that every person needs to be loved. I just can't do it anymore!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

His comment about "you shouldn't have let me move back in. . ." is just another way to play on your guilt. Because you gave it one more chance, you "can't" separate/divorce? That's just silly, and he knows it. Why would you even let that bother you? He'll also say, "It would have been kinder if you had just kept me from moving back in." Bulls**t. He'd have been threatening suicide all over the place THEN, as he may well do NOW.

There is no way out but through the discomfort of it all. You will feel so much better once you cut him out of your life and quit feeling responsible for him! God, the best day of my life (after the day I decided to leave him) was when my ex got remarried--I didn't realize it, but until then I was still feeling a little bit responsible (because we have kids together). Ha, ha, NOT MY PROBLEM ANY MORE!! Sorry, I'm being a bit silly too, but the point is, guilt will hold you back--let it go. He's a grown up. This is your life, not a dress rehearsal; do what it takes to find peace in your heart and you will be happy. Staying with him will NOT bring you peace! 

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

grushim1239 said:


> I need to stand up, and tell him in a way that he'll hear me.


No, you need to man up and just MOVE OUT.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

Well I "manned" up and asked him to leave. Which he did. I told him that I was done, and I was not living my life miserable every day. He pulled the "you should have never let me come back" crap. I told him that when I let him come back that I agreed to give it another shot, and I did my part. He is staying at a friend's. Since I filed for divorce in December, but never finished it, I will be calling to find out what I need to do to finalize it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Uh...because the kids' stability is the #1 issue and they're her kids, not his?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They already HAD an arrangement where he went somewhere else. He convinced her to let him come back in on a trial basis. It didn't work.


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

papir said:


> I know, I said I came to the thread late. I was commenting on the fact that it seems to be the status quo that the woman decides it's over and it's the man who has to leave even though he was perfectly content with things as they were.
> 
> "I want out, you must leave!"
> 
> ...


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## grushim1239 (Apr 13, 2015)

papir said:


> Uh...2 of the kids are adults and one is 2 yrs shy of being an adult.
> 
> Even if they were younger- mom is the one who wants to end their current "stable" situation so it's on her to make the move.


You're right, 2 of the kids are adults, hence the reason you don't have to be a smartass with your "all this income you're making that's big enough for you and the 3 children" comment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, kind of like I can see the chip you're carrying around. *shrug*


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