# Am I that selfish?



## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

My husband and I had a huge fight this morning and I feel awful like our marriage is over.

We've been married for about 10 years. We've had pity fights here and there but we've worked through it and I thought we were getting better. When we have a big fight, it's usually about his family. His family relies everything on my husband and I resent him for doing everything his family says. My parents (well, it's just my mother now) are independent and they respect our marriage, so they don't come to me for pity stuff like my in-laws do. My in-laws love family get-together and it was a culture shock when I first started dating my husband. His family is so big that almost every weekend, there was some kind of parties (kid's and adults birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, celebrations, etc). I don't have a problem going to immediate family's event, but cousin's kid's birthday parties that my husband is not even that close to? My work is pretty stressful so I live for weekends and frankly kid's birthday that I don't even know is not something I want to do on my precious weekend. We've talked about this and we stopped going to everything and just the ones that are significant to us. 

On to MIL. She is one of the most self absorbed person I've ever met. It's all about her feelings. When she feels bad, she has to drag everybody and everyone has to be miserable. One time, she was frustrated with her mother who has a light case of dementia. She called my husband one day and told him she was going to kill herself. So of course my husband dropped everything and mediated the situation and started doing things for his grandmother as well. I don't know why she didn't ask her husband for help and had to come to my husband and I don't know why my husband keeps on letting MIL use him the way she does. 

Now on to his sisters, 1 is independent but the other is just like MIL who relies on my husband for everything. She constantly texts my husband and wants to travel together, etc as if he is her boyfriend (My husband did actually go to Hawaii with his sisters and during the trip, his sister lost gopro I gifted to my husband. No apology from her). She is not financially stable and we lend her money which she never thanked me for. I don't know if we ever get that money back. 

This is just a few examples of many issues I've had over the years. I can't help but my resentment only grew bigger and bigger. 

Now on to the reason of big fight this morning. Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to give as much details for my post to make sense. FIL passed away to cancer last month. There was no signs except for that he lost weight. This should have been enough for MIL to make him go to the hospital to get checked but she didn't. You know how men don't go to hospital unless he lost an arm or something. So it's important for us, wife to keep an eye on things like that. 
Anyway, FIL and MIL were traveling in their home country when he fell ill. Without confirming anything, MIL alarmed her kids of his illness (I don't understand this. What's the point of making your kids worry without a concrete fact? My mother had a breast cancer but she kept it from me until after her surgery because she didn't want to worry me). My husband was sick and worried and I told him that he should fly over to see his dad. His sisters and he got the tickets and were ready to go, but MIL told him not to come as she might need POC back home. So he cancelled his tickets (not to mention paid cancellation fee) and stayed behind. I felt so bad for him. I know all he wanted to do was to be with his dad. After a couple of weeks, when his sisters had to leave, MIL told my husband to fly over so that she won't have to deal with the situation alone.

We got the news of his dad's illness right before we were to go on vacation. I knew right away that I had to cancel it. I spent a lot of time and effort putting the vacation together. Looked forward to it for the past 6 months and it was what got me through work. I know my vacation was nothing compare to what my husband was going through, but I couldn't help but feeling extremely bummed out about the trip especially, at the time we didn't know how bad/serious FIL's condition was. It's not that I had a problem cancelling the trip, but what bothered me was that my husband didn't even acknowledge the fact that I had to cancel it. It would have been nice if he said something like 'I know you've been looking forward to this trip but given the situation, I can't go. Let's us revisit when things are settled..." Like I said, I know what my husband is going through as I too lost my father 2 years ago to an accident. If it wasn't for the irresponsible driver driving over my dad, he would still be well and alive today. I watched my mother went through it and I lived through it. The words can't explain what we went through, but I don't think I forgot about caring for my husband. I helped my mother as much as I could but I didn't let it affect our marriage because that's what's most important to me. 

It's been almost a month since MIL broke the news of FIL's illness, my husband is pretty much gone physically and psychologically. He is doing everything. He took 3 weeks off from work being FIL's bedside and then after he passed, he is doing everything too. I know MIL needs support, but even the things I think she should do (as deceased wife), my husband is doing it. I didn't want to say anything to my husband until things are settled but I couldn't hold my frustration any longer when my husband told me his family is wearing white to the funeral. Who wears white to funeral? I don't have anything white to wear and 2 days is not enough time to find one. I told my husband he needs to communicate me better and how frustrated I've been because of lack of communication throughout the ordeal. 

Bad things happen and that's just a life unfortunately and we can't stop living our lives. 
All I wanted was the simple acknowledgement about our vacation and that he didn't just discard me. I was hoping that he would come to sense, but instead he screamed and yelled at me when I let out my feelings. He thinks I'm the most selfish person and told me not to come to his dad's funeral. 

Am I that selfish for wanting that one simple acknowledgement?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not every funeral requires black. A friend of mine insisted on "a splash of red" for his funeral.

I think you and your husband might need counselling.

Yes, his family seem a little out there, but maybe not as much as you think?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sounds like it is time to move a tank full of gas or 2, away from the in laws.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Now that your FIL is gone, it's very likely that your MIL is going to heavily depend on your husband for everything and his track record says he will let her. That's obviously going to be a problem so maybe he will agree to talk to a counselor about appropriate boundaries. 

(Regarding wearing white, I believe that's the color of mourning in some cultures; if it's not in their culture then they just wanted to wear white for some reason. The problem is white can be a difficult color to find an appropriate dress for a funeral on the spur of the moment so hopefully they'll understand if you can't.)


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Some families operate this way, it's sort of part of their culture. The mother sounds like a manipulative controller, but to be honest, that's fairly normal for some families. I know it's difficult to deal with, but it's not ever going to change. They are who they are. If your husband were willing to put up some boundaries, it's certainly not going to happen right now.

I think you have put everything that has bothered you to the side for so long that now that the stress is on, it's spilling over and you're feeling that you have to say or do something to cope. However, there is a better time for these discussions to happen. Just before your FIL's funeral is not the time.

I can suggest that you go get individual counselling to help you cope with your feelings, that you step back for now from needing to deal with marital issues and just offer support and understanding to your husband in his time of grief. 

Just remember that it is understandable that you are hurt, overwhelmed, disappointed about the holiday and feeling unloved right now, but you are going to need to call upon strength from within to get you through a time when your husband will have very little to give to you.

Try not to compare your ways of coping with grief to his. We each have our own ways of dealing with grief. While you might have considered your husband's needs during that time, he might not be able to reciprocate. If you are like a warm blanket for him though, non-judgmental and comforting, you might find that this very difficult time does not have to tear the two of you apart.


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## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Now that your FIL is gone, it's very likely that your MIL is going to heavily depend on your husband for everything and his track record says he will let her. That's obviously going to be a problem so maybe he will agree to talk to a counselor about appropriate boundaries.
> 
> (Regarding wearing white, I believe that's the color of mourning in some cultures; if it's not in their culture then they just wanted to wear white for some reason. The problem is white can be a difficult color to find an appropriate dress for a funeral on the spur of the moment so hopefully they'll understand if you can't.)


Yes, that is my fear. I'm not sure he will agree to talk to a counselor or even talk to me again for that matter 

Thanks for the note about the funeral attire. Yes indeed, white anything is so hard to find. Given the short notice, I can't meet their needs and quite frankly I don't care at this point. What I wear is not important. What matter is that I go there to pay my respect and say proper good-bye to FIL.


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## sadandmisshim (May 30, 2019)

AliceA said:


> Some families operate this way, it's sort of part of their culture. The mother sounds like a manipulative controller, but to be honest, that's fairly normal for some families. I know it's difficult to deal with, but it's not ever going to change. They are who they are. If your husband were willing to put up some boundaries, it's certainly not going to happen right now.
> 
> I think you have put everything that has bothered you to the side for so long that now that the stress is on, it's spilling over and you're feeling that you have to say or do something to cope. However, there is a better time for these discussions to happen. Just before your FIL's funeral is not the time.
> 
> ...


Yes, it is their culture. I wish I knew better before we got married. It's not fair to either of us. It doesn't feel good to talk to my husband about his family in this way. I don't enjoy any of it, but if I don't speak up I continue to suffer. The way his family operates is not normal/healthy to me, but it is completely normal to my husband. He is the enabler.

Believe me I know. The timing couldn't have been worse, but I just couldn't hold it in any longer. The first thing I did after the big fight this morning was to find a counselor and I've already made an appointment for tomorrow morning. I need emotional support.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I used to work closely with funeral homes and the bereaved and found that lots and lots of families decide everyone should wear white. Their reasoning is that a funeral doesn't have to be a dark-colored mournful event but should be a bright and joyful celebration of the person's life. Not everyone has a white outfit prepared at such a sudden and inconvenient time, so they go shopping to find something, or they get online and have something delivered overnight.

You ask if you are selfish, and my response is yes you are selfish, extremely. That's not to say his family isn't annoying or inconvenient at times, but everything you complained about here is nothing to complain about. You make everything they do and say something silly or an unnecessary inconvenience for you. You are different from them is all, but that doesn't make them wrong. And honestly, this is the worst possible time for you to request recognition for your monumental sacrifice. His father's illness or death is not an occasion for your profit, so wanting acknowledgment is self-centered. 

My sisters and I argued a lot while growing up. It bothered my mother because she was an only child. She didn't understand it and didn't know how to handle it. It took her best friend, who grew up with 5 siblings, to explain to my mom that it was normal. Your family is nothing like his family. His are close-knit, while yours isn't. There are some things that understandably annoy you and some things you have to exert control over, as you did with the many number of celebrations - although I don't think you should have stopped him from going since you didn't want to attend them all. Nevertheless, he accommodated you. But he also recognized from it and from other things you've done or said during your marriage that you are a selfish person.

But this is the thing: People who meet and date and get married are usually very different from very different backgrounds, upbringing, and value systems. They either find a way to make it work, or they let those differences tear them apart. You both have to decide which one you want it to be for your marriage, and then make whatever adjustments and sacrifices that are necessary. One philosophy to live by is The Policy of Joint Agreement, which imparts that neither of you should gain at the other's expense, that your main goal in the marriage is your husband's happiness, and his main goal is your happiness. Read the article and put the concept into practice, then move down to Guidelines for Successful Negotiation. Then, move up and start reading all of his articles because they are aimed at helping couples build a strong/er marriage. And also consider counseling for yourself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's not very likely to change. Now that his dad's gone, his mom and sisters will depend on him even more. You'll have to decide if you can accept his family or not. If you can't, it's better to move on because he'll never choose you over them.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

sadandmisshim said:


> My husband and I had a huge fight this morning and I feel awful like our marriage is over.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You are two different people who’s preferred interactions with family and each other are not the same. You can’t expect your husband to be more like you and he can not expect you to be more like him. Seems like your frustration has come from you hoping he would be more like you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, you are being selfish. Now is not the time. Apologize to your husband for making what is already the worst time of his life, even harder. Then, be the supportive wife he needs right now. Discuss adjustments after this terrible time period is behind him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I don't think you're selfish at all.

I think you've put up with far too much bull**** from your bully of a husband who has no problem continually putting you down and denigrating you every chance he gets while constantly bowing down to his family of saints who can do no wrong.

I GET being loyal to your family. We all GET that. But he doesn't have to continually disrespect YOU in order to do it.

Personally, I wouldn't put up with this crap and sadly, it just looks like it's gearing up to get even worse now that your FIL is gone.

Put an end to his disrespect. That's your FIRST order of business.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I have absolutely nightmare inlaws. I truly do - had to cut them off.

That said, unless there's a lot more behind your post that you've not said, then yes you are EXTREMELY selfish. Not about the birthday parties etc, but the way you've handled the whole experience of FIL's illness and passing has been pretty cruel.

When my Dad died, while I didn't stop caring about my husband at all, I was running on survival mode, only able to do the bare minimum to survive - which for a few days there was pretty much eat, breathe, sleep. I also supported my Mum afterwards, and took care of a lot of the things that you say a wife should do. She simply wasn't able to because she was trying to grieve the loss of her husband, so I did them for her.

You and your husband do need to come to an understanding on how to manage his family, because I can see how they could cause issues but while they are going through this is NOT the time to drag him to counselling or even discuss it. You need to just let him be there for them.


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