# Question



## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

I have been reading a lot of post and found a common denominator, when trying to open a close hearted spouse. 

Would it aggravate or bring out the insecurities of my close hearted W if I started to move on with life, as business as usual? I don't mean getting involved in a new relationship or any relationship, I don't want this. Just start living life and enjoying what life has to offer?

The last time I did this, my wife was more consumed with what I was doing and not working on healing herself. I think that if I did this again, I think she might repeat the same actions. I know that I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes and put myself in a situation where I didn't have self-control. She diffidently has a closed heart, but would my actions open it slightly to change her focus from her to me? I wouldn't be doing this out of spite. I would only be doing this for my own self healing. 
If I was showing my strength, by being independent and getting out to enjoy life, would my wife become insecure and revert back to being consumed with what I'm doing? 
It seems like a common denominator when the close hearted spouse (CHS) sees the other spouse starts showing signs of moving on without them, the CHS starts to feel left out and left behind. 
I know that as a man, and with men in general, we tend to try for awhile and lose patience and move on into working more or a rebound relationship. This doesn't solve our problems, it's a distraction from the pain. 
I think with women, because of there natural ability for nurturing, they might see this as a sign of abandonment, and might start having a change in heart. 
I know that this might sound bad, and I would never in my life dream of taking advantage of my wife's natural good nature. I need to self-heal and start taking care of myself. I would never dishonor what we have, I would still include her if she wanted to join me. I do love her truly, deeply and wholeheartedly. We both need a lot of self healing. 

Just wondering?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think it depends on the reason for the CHS.
If a CHS accured do to neglect... say working long hours or alway out with the guys then your path that you mention would back fire.

If a CHS accured b/c of there own actions....say depression or being over wieght, maybe some other behavior issue. Then maybe you may be setting a good example.


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## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks the guy

I only do two things, work or spend time with my family. When I work, I work a lot, and when I have time off I spend lots of time with W and kids.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Extending love to a closed hearted zombie is like casting pearls to swine. The pig is nothing but indifferent and quite content to allow you to do so forever. Not everyone deserves a loving spouse. Not everyone is even emotionally equipped to be in a healthy relationship. If you're a jockey, you don't bring a chicken to a horse race. If you find you're sitting on one, you might as well hop off. You will never transform the chicken into a winning race horse.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I think it's just human nature that if a person appears to be getting on just fine without you, that you become more attracted to that person. maybe its jealousy or perhaps you become more the person you used to be that they were attracted to in the first place.

People want to be around happy people & if you appear to be happy & moving on with your life, your wife will probably want a piece of the happiness. At that point though, you may not want to let her back in. 

Best of luck to you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes this is exactly what happens in my case.I will update my thread tomorrow because I'm so tired now but i just saw this thread and wanted to tell you that it is true that when you no longer stare at them like a puppy and show them you're independent now and you can take care of yourself you're becoming appealing to them.


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## Shock (Jan 22, 2011)

Thanks for your replies

I just wanted to say that I guess I will have to start moving on. My W and I were talking and she told me that she has wipe her hands of being married and being a wife. She is happy that her obligation is finish and now she can work on herself. She has nothing of herself to offer me. She only cares for herself. I told her that our adult kids sense of security is gone. Her reply 
"Its a hard lesson to learn" I guess time will tell what kind of lesson it will be, and who will learn the lesson. It's too bad that everyone suffers. 

She has just asked me why I seem different now, from our talk earlier? I told her that it hurts, she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I told her that your can't hurt me anymore than you already have. Why now, worry about how I feel now? 

It has been a hard lesson for all of us, and all I can do is be there for our kids. Thank God, the kids are old enough to start there own life and get away from all of this. 

Take care


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