# Is there hope?



## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

We have been married for 33 years and have 5 grown children. Even before our last left the house I felt like we were more like roommates than a loving couple. Our sex life is poor but I don't feel that is my main problem. My wife does not touch me and I don't mean in a sexual way. I have told her that it is important to me for her to give me unexpected hugs, a stroke across back, a kiss on the neck or anything that shows affection. It just doesn't happen.

On the other hand she has told me not to kiss her neck, nibble on her ears or give a gentle squeeze to her butt she doesn't like it.

We don't fuss or fight, we just don't communicate. I suggested we see a counselor last year and we did. She agreed we had a problem but little progress was made.

On the sex side she does not seem to like any foreplay and just wants to get to it. She says she has an orgasm almost every time but I feel rushed and cheated. It has been 25 years since she has given me a BJ and 4 years since she has let me go down on her.
Our sex life at one time was wonderful but not now. We do have sex about once a week but I would like more or even more excitement in what we do.

Please don't get me wrong, she is a good woman, very attractive and in good shape. She is not a bad person, she just doesn't seem to want to show me affection. I feel that she directs most of her energy into her work by her choice I even wrote her a letter expressing my feelings and desires. 
I don't want to cheat on her and I even told her that I would hate to think would happen if a woman showed me some attention. Would I be strong enough to resist? Her reply was "don't blame me if you mess up"
I need some advice.
I have tried the real nice lovely guy approach when that didn't work I tried the I don't really care approach. No affect either way


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
What he said.
Nothing else needs to be said. Concise. To The Point. Brilliant.
Just close the thread now.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Leave her some girl porn lying around that she can read.

Watch to see if it's being read outside of your presence. (ie: a certain placement, the old, hair in the 4th page trick, etc...)

When you know she's been reading it, then suggest to go out to candle dinner, with a candle lit massage when you get back home.


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

chelle, that would not work. She is very conservative and would have a cow if porn came into our house.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I do not think so. It is what it is. Look at a bright side, you getting once a week. Emotionally, that is a different story. You have to decide if you can continue like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

It didn't use to be like this. We had a great relationship with lots of love and affection but somewhere life got in the way and it left. I really don't want to throw away 30 plus years of marriage but I do want and need to feel wanted and loved.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Why would you leave your wife of 33 years over this? You have obviously accepted this situation for those years and now would leave her? Why can't you be happy with the other parts of your marriage that you love? Leaving her is no guarantee you will find someone that will fulfill your needs and breaking up your family could leave you alone for the rest of your life with your children upset because you left their Mom. Having sex once a week is pretty good after being married for so long.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Why would you leave your wife of 33 years over this? You have obviously accepted this situation for those years and now would leave her? Why can't you be happy with the other parts of your marriage that you love? Leaving her is no guarantee you will find someone that will fulfill your needs and breaking up your family could leave you alone for the rest of your life with your children upset because you left their Mom. Having sex once a week is pretty good after being married for so long.


:slap:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

What I find strange is that your wife claims to be content in a sexless and emotionally close marriage. I find that implausible.

Don't write off the suggestion that your wife may be having an emotional or physical affair that may have been going for quite some time.

Is there anything that suggests this might be the case?
Does she go out alone?
Is she alone for a few hours periodically?
Did things fall away quickly at any point?
Has she been flirting with other men at dances etc?

This all sounds like my friend who's wife was having an affair for 5 years and he had no idea. She was never with that man for more than an hour at a time.


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## Dragunov (May 21, 2015)

Lol, if i got to have sex with my wife once per week I would consider that as close to a blissful marriage as I could imagine. 

Sure, I'd probably still want it every day, but that would be about the same as wishing to own a summer condo on Mars and having threesomes every night.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Sure. 

Reattract your wife 

1. Pour yourself passionately into a few new hobbies
2. plan trips alone or with groups without your wife
3. go make some side money deals like flipping a house or some cars
4. join some athletic teams
5. make new friends
6. be a man of action 
7. knock out some new remodeling projects with your own hands
8. don't be home when she is home 
9. add some mysteriousness to your routine 
10. get in the best shape of your life 
11. lead a mentoring program of some kind
12. get rid of all of your old clothes and get some new threads
13. be your best new and improved you you can be
14. stop being boring and add some excitement without including her
15. get a motorcycle (the bull**** just peels right off as soon as you get on) 
16. Google how to reattract your wife 
17. Don't be so predicatable
18. mke a list of your top five most common arguments and design a new reaction to them that will blow her hair back and stun her into attraction from chivalry
19. Ask for nothing from her whatsoever
20. take full and I mean full responsibility for creating your own happiness from your own actions and mindset without s shred of need for her reaction or support
21. reenergize your zest for life
22. Put your a$4 into fifth gear and lets get this party started
23. Go have fun on your own terms. 
24. Explain none of it other than "you are amusing yourself" give her a quick kiss and go get some life back in you out in the world 

That is attractive. She will want to know what is up. She might jump you. She wants to be inspired to bang you and you are not getting it done. Do big things. 

If that doesn't work then no there is hope

Your welcome


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

thread,
I already do about half to two thirds of the things on your list. Last year I did a solo 4 week road trip. She wasn't interested in going. She doesn't participate in my main hobby ,collector cars and car auctions. When the kids were younger we took family vacations every year but since they are grown we have not taken a vacation together.
I think she loves me but is not in love with me. I am sure she likes the things I take care of around the house (normal guy stuff) and the fact that I do some of the cleaning (I am retired) but just does not show appreciation for my actions or much affection. It is like two people sharing a house. I could go and do most anything I would like for as long as I like (other than an affair) and she would not mind.
I am sure some people would find that great but not me. If I wanted that I would be single.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

abouttoquit said:


> We have been married for 33 years and have 5 grown children. Even before our last left the house I felt like we were more like roommates than a loving couple. Our sex life is poor but I don't feel that is my main problem. My wife does not touch me and I don't mean in a sexual way. I have told her that it is important to me for her to give me unexpected hugs, a stroke across back, a kiss on the neck or anything that shows affection. It just doesn't happen.
> 
> On the other hand she has told me not to kiss her neck, nibble on her ears or give a gentle squeeze to her butt she doesn't like it.
> 
> ...



There is always hope. However, only you can make you happy. I don't think a threat of "what might happen if another woman shows you affection" is the best way to solve the issue. Truthfully...that is an idiotic thing to say. And your W answer was a great one. It really is not her fault if you "mess up." You express your desires and concerns. You look to resolve the problem. If it appears every avenue has been exhausted to no avail then sign on for a separation and divorce. Your W deserves nothing less.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

abouttoquit said:


> thread,
> I already do about half to two thirds of the things on your list. Last year I did a solo 4 week road trip. She wasn't interested in going. She doesn't participate in my main hobby ,collector cars and car auctions. When the kids were younger we took family vacations every year but since they are grown we have not taken a vacation together.
> I think she loves me but is not in love with me. I am sure she likes the things I take care of around the house (normal guy stuff) and the fact that I do some of the cleaning (I am retired) but just does not show appreciation for my actions or much affection. It is like two people sharing a house. I could go and do most anything I would like for as long as I like (other than an affair) and she would not mind.
> I am sure some people would find that great but not me. If I wanted that I would be single.



I'm a car collector and enjoy the classic car activity. My W sometimes will attend and other times not. I'm ok with that. It is my hobby and not really her bag. But she does attend sometimes. However, I always look to attend her enjoyments as much as I can. She likes to go to quaint towns with shops and small bistro type restaurants. She love to garden and relax in our pool. These things I do with my W to make a connection. A connection we have. 

How old is your W?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

abouttoquit said:


> It didn't use to be like this. We had a great relationship with lots of love and affection but somewhere life got in the way and it left. I really don't want to throw away 30 plus years of marriage but I do want and need to feel wanted and loved.


It is the nature of things that there is a beginning and an end to everything. Fight against this truth and life will continue to slap you until you wake up.


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

I feel like marriage is a two way street. Part of my job is to try to please her and make her happy. In return I feel she should do the same.
To be clear, I did not tell her about attention from any other woman as a threat I meant is I am starving for affection and you are not giving it.

Is it a pipe dream that two people that have been married this long can still show affection to each other?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

abouttoquit said:


> Is it a pipe dream that two people that have been married this long can still show affection to each other?


No it's not a pipe dream. For some, it may not be attainable, but it is the whole reason for a LTR. 

If you don't mind, tell us what happened with MC?


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

LTR? What's that The MC did not get into the affection side of things too much( i'm not sure why) but did feel the wife had some sexual problems as she does not like me to give oral and says it is not pleasing or does not feel good to her. Wife got somewhat angry at the MC's statement. That was our last session. She did say I had passive aggression meaning I would just clam up when things got out of sorts.
To answer an earlier question she is 60 and I am 67.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

LTR - Long Term Relationship

So the sessions got tough and she balked. Why didn't you insist on continuing?

A Passive-aggressive personality can erode respect for you. It's a real relationship killer. A woman has to respect her partner. She needs to feel emotionally safe with him for her to want intimacy. You were her lover once. What was different?


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

I have tired to work on my problems and we both felt that we were not progressing with the sessions. She listened to what we had to say but did not offer many suggestions for improvement.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Age 60. Just might be the affection sexual relationship portion of the marriage run it course for your W. You will need to accept that if it is the case or move on. At the end of the day who in your life would be there for you? For whatever reason? Do believe people are allowed to change or find some things in life are just not important anymore? I'm thinking your W simply does not care to do these things anymore. Could be metal or hormonal. Maybe both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sex doesn't end at sixty and one doesn't lose feelings of affection for one's partner because of age.


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

While the sexual side is important the affection is more important.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Not all mechanics are good or qualified. Not all counselors are good or qualified. Yours wasn't up to the job. It's not rocket science to look for another. 

Sounds a like resentment issue to me. What is she resentful about?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Sex doesn't end at sixty and one doesn't lose feelings of affection for one's partner because of age.


Sex after menopause can decrease or stop all together for some women. It can become less important in their lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Those of us in our sixtes understand that through our experience. Now let's move on.


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## abouttoquit (Jul 28, 2015)

[. 

Sounds a like resentment issue to me. What is she resentful about?[/QUOTE]

I don't know. If I did maybe I could work on it.


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