# Question to people who support separation?



## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Trying to learn about why some people support separation. I know that in some cases it is for the best. I don't believe that people should stick out a marriage if their spouse is abusive. I am just trying to get into the mindset of a person that chooses separation from a spouse that is not abusive? 

My wife left me and im just trying to get a better understanding of her mentality. Its hard for me to understand. I just feel like if the situation was opposite. If I lost love for my wife, I feel like I would make a honest effort to try to regain that love before I left my wife. If that meant going to couples building, therapy, church, etc.... I wouldn't want to leave anything out there that might work. 

I know about the grass is greener on the other side mentality. I also have heard what people say about a spouse that is cheating. 

It almost seems like she must not have any love for me to do what she is doing. Even if she is leaving because she is cheating and I don't know about it. Even if she feels like the grass is greener on the other side. In order for a person to leave their spouse, for any reason, they must no longer have any love for their spouse. That is just how I feel right now. 

If a person leaves their spouse, when they know their spouse still loves them, they must know how much it will hurt their spouse when they choose to leave. How can somebody that still loves their spouse leave them if they know how much pain it will cause?Especially when you have to factor in children and their pain.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

sadsoul to be blunt, I think a lot of people are just selfish or lost. They simply want what they think they want, and those in the way be [email protected] 

I am not exactly sure what a midlife crisis is, but I have noticed an odd number of commonalities between both men and women's meltdowns: age, a sense of lacking something, and a general absence of personal strength or purpose to name just a few of the factors.

I can't tell you why she left, only she can. I'm not sure what your communication is like between you two, but perhaps one day you should consider asking her. I think she at least owes you that. Just be prepared to get a vague and rambling answer. 

My own personal answer would be that not everyone defines love the same way. Some people define it by what they give, others more by what they can take. Just one man's thoughts...


LIL


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Oh my friend, sorry you are going through this but we are all here because of that same reason.

She is really foggy right now, if you search through the Coping with Infidelity forum you will see hundreds of stories like yours. These wayward spouses follow everything by a script, they act the same, they say the same things, do the same mistakes to get caught in their affairs. Your spouse probably has someone on the side right now otherwise she would have not left.

Have you tried talking to her about counselling? Just remember, that just because she may agree to it, it does not mean it will work for you. My husband went to counselling (separately from me) for few sessions after he gave me bs story of how he has not been happy for few years, blah,blah....until I discovered his affair. Not only he denies it but he also went to file for divorce. So don't be surpirsed if she would not admit the affair.

Gather evidence if you can:
Check bank statements, cell/home phone records, Facebook, emails if you still have access to all that and most imporantly speak to a lawyer even if divorce is not on your mind.


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## JHELP (Aug 29, 2010)

I am going through the exact same thing but we have just have grown distant over the past years and really have lived somewhat seperate lives. I always thought it was just the regular busy lives of shuffling two kids to different places and we didn't find time for each other over the years. I always thought it would fine because I knew I still loved her and thing would just work out(not sure why I thought that just did). Her perspective was totally different and now I don't think she feels any love for me though she is still pleasant most of the time. She denies any affair and I have checked everything to find clues but see nothing.I am with you just don't understand why she won't consider working on the marriage after 19 years of marriage and 2 kids 11 and 15. I just don't get it.

How long have you been married? How old are your kids? What reasons has she given you for wanting to end the marriage? We are both 44 and suspect some of this is driven by midlife crises but would never say that to her but that is how I feel.Kinda of like telling her she is grumpy because her period is starting it's just a NO NO.LOL


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## sadsoul (Aug 10, 2010)

Here is my story:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/15749-wife-moved-out-yesterday.html


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