# Does your husband need admiration?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have seen this idea bandied about on the forum, that husbands need admiration. But it does not seem true to me. I asked Dug, and he does not think it is true, either, or at least not for all men.

My first thought is that if a husband needs it, then, like with respect, he needs to earn it. Maybe that is a husband's real need: to legitimately earn admiration, and in doing so, build genuine confidence. 

My other thought is that admiration, if not sincere, could be a tool of manipulation. Iow, something to potentially beware of, not necessarily warm to, guys.

Please feel free to share your thoughts.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it ties back to--- if a man is reasonably secure in himself, or not, what kind of admiration needs he has.

Of course everyone likes to know their partner thinks they are wonderful!!! But I have had the experience of a relationship with a very insecure man (something was broken in him from childhood and he refused to work on it) and his need for admiration (and respect) was huge... and he wanted it without earning it and for everyday ordinary things. He had this need because of the void inside himself.

He would rage and punish emotionally if he didn't think he was getting what he "deserved".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> I think it ties back to---if a man is reasonably secure in himself, or not, what kind of admiration needs he has.
> 
> Of course everyone likes to know their partner thinks they are wonderful!!! But I have had the experience of a relationship with a very insecure man (something was broken in him from childhood and he refused to work on it) and his need for admiration (and respect) was huge... and he wanted it without earning it and for everyday ordinary things. He had this need because of the void inside himself.
> 
> He would rage and punish emotionally if he didn't think he was getting what he "deserved".


Yep, entitlement is a big problem. And pushing the idea that men "need" unearned admiration is high risk advice, I think.

Your guy needed to earn his own respect. That was the void inside him.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Speaking for my H, he does not need admiration. In fact, it makes him uncomfortable. He will play if off and offer me a compliment instead to deflect from himself. 

However, I do like to give him compliments. Because he is an awesome man and human being. I do admire his many talents because I can't do the things he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Husband here. Apologies if I'm crashing the thread.

I don't need admiration -- which means respect plus approval.

Approval I don't need. But respect I do.

I suspect I'm not alone, and I suspect many wives are similar.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> Speaking for my H, he does not need admiration. In fact, it makes him uncomfortable. He will play if off and offer me a compliment instead to deflect from himself.
> 
> However, I do like to give him compliments. Because he is an awesome man and human being. I do admire his many talents because I can't do the things he does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dug graciously accepts compliments, but he does not need them or look for them. And he rarely thinks to give them. He also finds the American emphasis on praise strange. To Dug, you do what you think is right, and that is satisfaction enough for you.

I can totally relate to the second paragraph, brooklynAnn.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm with Marduk. I don't need admiration...from a wife or anybody. 

I demand respect. If she doesn't like me or like who I am she can leave me. I'm not going to let myself be treated like crap or be devalued. 

"See that big rectangular wooden thing hanging over the hole in the wall over there... that swings open and shut? That's a door. You don't like being married to me? I'm not smart enough, or handsome enough, or cut enough, or rich enough, or outgoing enough for your liking? Then feel free to use that door and make sure you shut it on your way out."


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't walk around worrying about whether I'm admired, whether I'm alpha or beta, if I'm this, or that psychologically. I just live my life and enjoy it and the people I love.
TreAting me good like I treat you, and having fun together is all I need. If you enjoy my company, there's got to be something about me you admire.
I don't think about all the psychobabble that's preached in some parts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Both respect and admiration need to be earned, IMHO. I surely wouldn't give either to anyone because they say they need it or because they demand it.

That said, I think everyone deserves a certain level of respect, to be accorded basic human rights and dignity.

But that doesn't mean you have to think that person is right, or awesome, or any of those sorts of things.

My SO appreciates compliments and will sometimes seek appreciation for something he has accomplished (especially if I haven't noticed), but I wouldn't say that he needs admiration.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

always_alone said:


> Both respect and admiration need to be earned, IMHO. I surely wouldn't give either to anyone because they say they need it or because they demand it.
> 
> That said, I think everyone deserves a certain level of respect, to be accorded basic human rights and dignity.
> 
> But that doesn't mean you have to think that person is right, or awesome, or any of those sorts of things.


Very true. Basic respect is something everyone deserves. It's amazing how many sh!tty spouses cannot dredge up enough decency to offer even that.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jld said:


> My other thought is that admiration, if not sincere, could be a tool of manipulation. Iow, something to potentially beware of, not necessarily warm to, guys.


This is for sure true. I have seen it a zillion times.

"Oooh, what a big strong man you are. Will you move my piano? With those big muscles, I bet you could do it without breaking a sweat."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

always_alone said:


> This is for sure true. I have seen it a zillion times.
> 
> "Oooh, what a big strong man you are. Will you move my piano? With those big muscles, I bet you could do it without breaking a sweat."


Don't you wonder how those gals can stand themselves? And why those guys fall for it?

I really do not think men realize the price they pay for needing ego stroking.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Very true. Basic respect is something everyone deserves. It's amazing how many sh!tty spouses cannot dredge up enough decency to offer even that.


I think we need to be a bit careful here because some people perceive simple disagreement as disrespect. But no one has the right to be agreed with or listened to "just because".


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

Everyone needs to be appreciated and respected by their spouse. That's a basic, fundamental requirement, IMO. 

Admiration is something that grows over the years as you face tough times together and get through them. I admire my husband for the wisdom and steadfastness he's shown to myself and my family during some very difficult times. I admire the way he conducts business ethically. I admire the way he treats people he has authority over respectfully, fairly and gently, and the way he inspires their loyalty because of it. I admire him when I find out something really selfless he's done for another without any fanfare or anyone's knowledge.

He doesn't do this stuff in the hopes of earning admiration. If he did, it would not be admirable. He does it because that's who he is, and I can't help but admire him for it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

always_alone said:


> I think we need to be a bit careful here because some people perceive simple disagreement as disrespect. But no one has the right to be agreed with or listened to "just because".


Oh I agree. In fact, I would be wary of any potential girlfriend who agreed with everything I say. I need an intellectual equal who is willing to go toe to toe with me.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

jld said:


> Don't you wonder how those gals can stand themselves? And why those guys fall for it?
> 
> I really do not think men realize the price they pay for needing ego stroking.


I find that whole dynamic pretty gross, and don't have any respect or admiration for either the men or the women who participate in it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

always_alone said:


> I find that whole dynamic pretty gross, and don't have any respect or admiration for either the men or the women who participate in it.


I agree. 

I think it may be a survival mechanism for some women, though.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My ex husband needed admiration, adulation, adoration, and to be lusted after.

My sister's husband is huge on the needing admiration scale, too. But not in the sexual way my ex is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> My ex husband needed admiration, adulation, adoration, and to be lusted after.
> 
> My sister's husband is huge on the needing admiration scale, too. But not in the sexual way my ex is.


How did you feel about that?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jld said:


> How did you feel about that?


Drove me insane! It's a mark of an insecure person. In the case of my ex, he has a very nice exterior, but an ugly interior. He feels all he has to offer is what he looks like/nice body (he's right), so therefore he needs constant adoration for it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Drove me insane! * It's a mark of an insecure person.* In the case of my ex, he has a very nice exterior, but an ugly interior. He feels all he has to offer is what he looks like/nice body (he's right), so therefore he needs constant adoration for it.


Totally agree.

_So glad you are away from him . . ._


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I think it ties back to--- if a man is reasonably secure in himself, or not, what kind of admiration needs he has.
> 
> Of course everyone likes to know their partner thinks they are wonderful!!! But I have had the experience of a relationship with a very insecure man (something was broken in him from childhood and he refused to work on it) and his need for admiration (and respect) was huge... and he wanted it without earning it and for everyday ordinary things. He had this need because of the void inside himself.
> 
> He would rage and punish emotionally if he didn't think he was getting what he "deserved".


I agree with this post. My stbx of 33 years is so damn messed up from his mother and childhood, he was the most insecure person I ever knew. Very dysfunctional in his need for admiration and appreciation. A lot of other deep-seeded issues as well from his Mommy. It has been hell for me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I agree with this post. My stbx of 33 years is so damn messed up from his mother and childhood, he was the most insecure person I ever knew. Very dysfunctional in his need for admiration and appreciation. A lot of other deep-seeded issues as well from his Mommy. It has been hell for me.


How did you cope?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think husbands need respect, and gratitude. That is gravely lacking with marriages I see...the women have no respect for their husbands, who are high quality men, and they never show appreciation. I'd say appreciation goes a long way with men, in general, from women.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I think husbands need respect, and gratitude. That is gravely lacking with marriages I see...the women have no respect for their husbands, who are high quality men, and they never show appreciation. I'd say appreciation goes a long way with men, in general, from women.


It has to go both ways. It is a conscious choice. A wife needs to feel that she is loved and treasured and lusted after by her husband. She needs him to tell her she is beautiful and desired every once in a while. 

A man needs to hear that he is his wife's hero. Just every once in a while. What does it cost either of them to say these things?

Pride. Fvcking, nasty, destructive pride.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> It has to go both ways. It is a conscious choice. A wife needs to feel that she is loved and treasured and lusted after by her husband. She needs him to tell her she is beautiful and desired every once in a while.
> 
> A man needs to hear that he is his wife's hero. Just every once in a while. What does it cost either... to say these things?


I agree. It seems easy to do, but then why don't we see more of it in marriages? :crying:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> I think husbands need respect, and gratitude. That is gravely lacking with marriages I see...the women have no respect for their husbands, who are high quality men, and they never show appreciation. I'd say appreciation goes a long way with men, in general, from women.


Why do you think they do not respect them?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> I agree. It seems easy to do, but then why don't we see more of it in marriages? :crying:


Because we live in a cynical world Deidre....a cynical world...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> It has to go both ways. It is a conscious choice. A wife needs to feel that she is loved and treasured and lusted after by her husband. She needs him to tell her she is beautiful and desired every once in a while.
> 
> A man needs to hear that he is his wife's hero. Just every once in a while. What does it cost either of them to say these things?
> 
> Pride. Fvcking, nasty, destructive pride.


Why do you think the reason is pride?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jld said:


> Why do you think the reason is pride?


Pride is the destroyer...the original sin. Is it not? Ultimately, selfishness, greed, avarice and hate all have their root in pride.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jld said:


> Why do you think they do not respect them?


An example that comes to mind...I was with my fiance at a couple's house that we know who have only been married for about three years. The husband left to get something from the store, and she was telling us how she 'sends' him to the store for something, and he never gets it right. So, sure enough, he comes home, and he's excited to see us, and he hands her a bag of things he got from the store, and she said...see? I knew you'd screw it up. 

And the look on his face was of embarassment. He said that was what you asked for. She began to scold him like a child. 

I'm sure that's not a one time incident, so...that type of thing will erode a man's self esteem very quickly...and eventually, the marriage. 

Have you ever witnessed this? It's so uncomfortable to watch. :crying:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> An example that comes to mind...I was with my fiance at a couple's house that we know who have only been married for about three years. The husband left to get something from the store, and she was telling us how she 'sends' him to the store for something, and he never gets it right. So, sure enough, he comes home, and he's excited to see us, and he hands her a bag of things he got from the store, and she said...see? I knew you'd screw it up.
> 
> And the look on his face was of embarassment. He said that was what you asked for. She began to scold him like a child.
> 
> ...


Oh I have seen this so many times... And I sometimes I have asked the guy "Man why do you stand there and take that sh!t?"

I think women learn it from their moms. Seriously. I'm not joking.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Pride is the destroyer...the original sin. Is it not? Ultimately, selfishness, greed, avarice and hate all have their root in pride.


I think there is fear underneath it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> An example that comes to mind...I was with my fiance at a couple's house that we know who have only been married for about three years. The husband left to get something from the store, and she was telling us how she 'sends' him to the store for something, and he never gets it right. So, sure enough, he comes home, and he's excited to see us, and he hands her a bag of things he got from the store, and she said...see? I knew you'd screw it up.
> 
> And the look on his face was of embarassment. He said that was what you asked for. She began to scold him like a child.
> 
> ...


Well, I would not want to have a controlling and aggressive friend, that's for sure. 

Would you say he is a sensitive man?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh I have seen this so many times... And I sometimes I have asked the guy "Man why do you stand there and take that sh!t?"
> 
> I think women learn it from their moms. Seriously. I'm not joking.


I don't think escalating is the way to go. 

Humor could have been effective, though. Followed by a more serious talk, privately, later.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> An example that comes to mind...I was with my fiance at a couple's house that we know who have only been married for about three years. The husband left to get something from the store, and she was telling us how she 'sends' him to the store for something, and he never gets it right. So, sure enough, he comes home, and he's excited to see us, and he hands her a bag of things he got from the store, and she said...see? I knew you'd screw it up.
> 
> And the look on his face was of embarassment. He said that was what you asked for. She began to scold him like a child.
> 
> ...


I've seen it. I leave.

Men have even asked me about my early departure I wondered why he didn't throw her over his shoulder and take her to the bedroom for a proper "spanking"?

One dude looked at me perplexed and angry and said "Well she wouldn't like that!"

She had already cheated on him and was an entitled princess. I couldn't stand her and he made me sick too.

Many women don't appreciate nice men. I get how to handle them but these "nice guys" will never get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Men have even asked me about my early departure I wondered why he didn't throw her over his shoulder and take her to the bedroom for a proper "spanking"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, could not help laughing at this. 

But it does not really solve problems. 

Heartfelt sharing and seeking to understand solve problems.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

And I think nice women appreciate nice men.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> And I think nice women appreciate nice men.


These women aren't nice.

A good spanking clears up a lot when someone is misbehaving.>
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> Okay, could not help laughing at this.
> 
> But it does not really solve problems.
> 
> Heartfelt sharing and seeking to understand solve problems.


You are absolutely right about a serious conversation. The "spanking" is a good way to break the ice and start that conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> These women aren't nice.
> 
> A good spanking clears up a lot when someone is misbehaving.>
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





ConanHub said:


> You are absolutely right about a serious conversation. The "spanking" is a good way to break the ice and start that conversation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, let's stop with the fun now.  This is a serious thread!


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Drove me insane! It's a mark of an insecure person. In the case of my ex, he has a very nice exterior, but an ugly interior. He feels all he has to offer is what he looks like/nice body (he's right), so therefore he needs constant adoration for it.


Hi STR ~
Sounds a tad narcissistic to me. 
VH


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

jld said:


> How did you cope?


Xanax and a good lawyer !!!! :wink2:


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi STR ~
> Sounds a tad narcissistic to me.
> VH


He's a total narcissist. He's even admitted it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Xanax and a good lawyer !!!! :wink2:


Good enough!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> He's a total narcissist. He's even admitted it.


Was he always talking about, focused on, your looks, too?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh I agree. In fact, *I would be wary of any potential girlfriend who agreed with everything I say*. I need an intellectual equal who is willing to go toe to toe with me.


Yep -that would drive me nuts as well. Couldn't handle it at home and couldn't tolerate it at work.

"Yes-Men" scare the hell out of me at work. I want people that will question EVERYTHING. Questions are great...having to explain yourself is not a bad thing. It forces me and the other leaders to really consider things. The "Riddlers" I have (That's what i call them) keep me on my toes and help me ensure we are always doing the best we can. Not to forget the MANY MANY better ideas there are out there. I appreciate that they keep them coming. 

As for Admiration and Respect. If your asking for either...you won't have them.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jld said:


> Was he always talking about, focused on, your looks, too?


Yup. And that has really messed me up emotionally speaking (self esteem stuff).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yup. And that has really messed me up emotionally speaking (self esteem stuff).


I bet. 

I understand it might be painful to talk about. But if you ever felt comfortable, it would be interesting to hear about. I don't think people realize the cost of so much emphasis on appearance.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Yep -that would drive me nuts as well. Couldn't handle it at home and couldn't tolerate it at work.
> 
> "Yes-Men" scare the hell out of me at work. I want people that will question EVERYTHING. Questions are great...having to explain yourself is not a bad thing. It forces me and the other leaders to really consider things. The "Riddlers" I have (That's what i call them) keep me on my toes and help me ensure we are always doing the best we can. Not to forget the MANY MANY better ideas there are out there. I appreciate that they keep them coming.
> 
> As for Admiration and Respect. If your asking for either...you won't have them.


And if you demand them, it is even more pathetic.

Appreciate your open mind on the middle paragraph. We need more of that on TAM.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jld said:


> I bet.
> 
> I understand it might be painful to talk about. But if you ever felt comfortable, it would be interesting to hear about. I don't think people realize the cost of so much emphasis on appearance.


During our marriage, I got so fed up with feeling like he ONLY liked/loved me for what I looked like, and didn't appreciate my other good qualities. I started to really resent that. But, when he stopped "appreciating" my beauty, I resented that too, and found it hurtful. I don't know if over time, after many years, he kinda brainwashed me into thinking that actually WAS all I had to offer, or if I always felt that way from the beginning. It really messes with your head, that's for sure. Now, I'm 43, away from him for good, but I will admit that I'm pretty obsessed with my appearance. Not in a "I'm so high maintenance" kind of way (ie. makeup, nails, hair, fashion)....not at all. But, I think about it and criticize myself absolutely constantly. Ya know how they say men think about sex 50 (or whatever) times a day? That's how often I feel bad thoughts about my body. I've talked to my therapist about it. It's harmful, but also prideful and an indication my thoughts really, really need to be directed/trained elsewhere!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> During our marriage, I got so fed up with feeling like he ONLY liked/loved me for what I looked like, and didn't appreciate my other good qualities. I started to really resent that. But, when he stopped "appreciating" my beauty, I resented that too, and found it hurtful. I don't know if over time, after many years, he kinda brainwashed me into thinking that actually WAS all I had to offer, or if I always felt that way from the beginning. It really messes with your head, that's for sure. Now, I'm 43, away from him for good, but I will admit that I'm pretty obsessed with my appearance. Not in a "I'm so high maintenance" kind of way (ie. makeup, nails, hair, fashion)....not at all. But, I think about it and criticize myself absolutely constantly. Ya know how they say men think about sex 50 (or whatever) times a day? That's how often I feel bad thoughts about my body. I've talked to my therapist about it. It's harmful, but also prideful and an indication my thoughts really, really need to be directed/trained elsewhere!


How do you think you could do that, STR?

And thank you for your post.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

jld said:


> How do you think you could do that, STR?
> 
> And thank you for your post.


Two ways. Spending more time in my Bible, filling myself up with whose opinion of me will never falter and the only one that actually matters (and it's never based on looks), and journaling words of affirmation. I really believe in neural pathways in the brain and that they can be healed/redirected if you work at it through exercises like journaling. I just haven't really taken the time to do it. 

I'm sure if I ever get in a relationship again with someone who is NOT like my ex and does affirm me, that will help, too, but that is certainly not someone's job. It's my job.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Two ways. Spending more time in my Bible, filling myself up with whose opinion of me will never falter and the only one that actually matters (and it's never based on looks), and journaling words of affirmation. I really believe in neural pathways in the brain and that they can be healed/redirected if you work at it through exercises like journaling. I just haven't really taken the time to do it.
> 
> I'm sure if I ever get in a relationship again with someone who is NOT like my ex and does affirm me, that will help, too, but that is certainly not someone's job. It's my job.


It is more certain if you do it yourself. But support does not hurt.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@SecondTime'Round

I've never seen you and I think you are a quality woman.

I might be arrogant but I am a good judge of character.

Keep sharing but an objective opinion on your character should be taken in your thoughts of yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> @SecondTime'Round
> 
> I've never seen you and I think you are a quality woman.
> 
> ...



Thank you! And the feeling is mutual!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yup. And that has really messed me up emotionally speaking (self esteem stuff).





SecondTime'Round said:


> During our marriage, I got so fed up with feeling like he ONLY liked/loved me for what I looked like, and didn't appreciate my other good qualities. I started to really resent that. But, when he stopped "appreciating" my beauty, I resented that too, and found it hurtful. I don't know if over time, after many years, he kinda brainwashed me into thinking that actually WAS all I had to offer, or if I always felt that way from the beginning. It really messes with your head, that's for sure. Now, I'm 43, away from him for good, *but I will admit that I'm pretty obsessed with my appearance.* Not in a "I'm so high maintenance" kind of way (ie. makeup, nails, hair, fashion)....not at all. But, I think about it and criticize myself absolutely constantly. Ya know how they say men think about sex 50 (or whatever) times a day? That's how often I feel bad thoughts about my body. I've talked to my therapist about it. It's harmful, but also prideful and an indication my thoughts really, really need to be directed/trained elsewhere!


Have you heard of the "Spot Light Effect"...It seems to hold true.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MarriedDude said:


> Have you heard of the "Spot Light Effect"...It seems to hold true.


No, but I'll look it up.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> These women aren't nice.
> 
> A good spanking clears up a lot when someone is misbehaving.>
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The word 'spanking' keeps coming up in your posts. Should we worry about you? >


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jld said:


> Well, I would not want to have a controlling and aggressive friend, that's for sure.
> 
> Would you say he is a sensitive man?


The interesting thing is, they are different when not around one another. He is very assertive and she is truly awesome when you just hang out with them, separately. It could be that they both just have a strange view of marriage...makes me wonder when I witness those things, how they grew up, and what did they witness with their parents?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh I have seen this so many times... And I sometimes I have asked the guy "Man why do you stand there and take that sh!t?"
> 
> I think women learn it from their moms. Seriously. I'm not joking.


That could be. And the culture encourages it. Ever see commercials where the husband is being portrayed as stupid and incompetent, and his wife saves the day. lol That seems to be a recurring theme.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> And I think nice women appreciate nice men.


All five of them (women)...

Wise women appreciate being told off on occasion. I had a great dad moment not too long ago.

DD23 broke off her long distance relationship with million dollar guy (who was a nice guy's nice guy) last summer. In her new college town she met the archetypal all American kid. Lanky, handsome, and also same major. She's a year older but he's the adult in the relationship. 

The best thing she told me: "Dad, he sounds JUST LIKE YOU. Not a nice guy that will coddle me, but a practical no nonsense guy who will do what's right and tell me if I'm wrong". I was blown away.

I've met the kid a couple times, he's cool.


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## BigRedNerd (Mar 13, 2016)

I don't know as I need admiration. I need to feel loved and desired. I grew up with abusive, alcoholic parents and was in and out of foster care (where I suffered more abuse) from age 11-18. I never felt like anyone loved or wanted me (in fact I often felt downright hated) so it's very important to me to feel those things from my wife. And she does it very well, I tend to be the one who fails in showing those things to her and I often wonder why she doesn't get fed up and leave me.
As far as admiration though, that's something I'd rather get from my younger coworkers. It feels good when you've come far enough in your field for the new generation to look up to you.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't *need *admiration, but I certainly appreciate it when I get it!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

jld said:


> I don't think escalating is the way to go.
> 
> Humor could have been effective, though. Followed by a more serious talk, privately, later.


Yes Ms. Rogers.....


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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

During the marriage, I never expected admiration, however, I did expect respect and any appreciation shown to me was returned tenfold. Once the respect was lost, so was the relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Deidre* said:


> The word 'spanking' keeps coming up in your posts. Should we worry about you? >


I think I usually bring it up when a woman is being a brat. It works wonders and I highly endorse it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

tech-novelist said:


> I don't *need *admiration, but I certainly appreciate it when I get it!


That's how it is for my husband. He doesn't need it but I can certainly see a little spark in his eye whenever I compliment him.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I think I usually bring it up when a woman is being a brat. It works wonders and I highly endorse it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And occasionally you find a woman who appreciates it. 

(Also quite a few who'd call the police on you.)


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

jld said:


> And I think nice women appreciate nice men.


I think you're right. But it's not enough to appreciate it. You have to SHOW that appreciation.

I can appreciate the hell out of my wife, but it means nothing if she doesn't know.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I think you're right. But it's not enough to appreciate it. You have to SHOW that appreciation.
> 
> I can appreciate the hell out of my wife, but it means nothing if she doesn't know.


She needs to speak your love language if she wants you to feel loved.


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I think I usually bring it up when a woman is being a brat. It works wonders and I highly endorse it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And then there are some women who will be encouraged to be more bratty if they know this is their reward. Know your audience. >


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OliviaG said:


> And then there are some women who will be encouraged to be more bratty if they know this is their reward. Know your audience. >


Mrs. Conan picked up on it years ago and is now bratty on purpose!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

jld said:


> I have seen this idea bandied about on the forum, that husbands need admiration. But it does not seem true to me. I asked Dug, and he does not think it is true, either, or at least not for all men.
> 
> My first thought is that if a husband needs it, then, like with respect, he needs to earn it. Maybe that is a husband's real need: to legitimately earn admiration, and in doing so, build genuine confidence.
> 
> ...


Admiration is important to me.

Of course, it has to be (or seem to be) genuine (earned) admiration.

If I didn't have (or was unable to earn) the admiration of my wife, we wouldn't be married.

If I thought that I had earned her admiration but didn't receive it, we wouldn't be married.

If I hadn't earned her admiration, gaining it would be my top priority.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> If I thought that I had earned her admiration but didn't receive it, we wouldn't be married.


Could you elaborate on this, please?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OliviaG said:


> And then there are some women who will be encouraged to be more bratty if they know this is their reward. Know your audience. >





ConanHub said:


> Mrs. Conan picked up on it years ago and is now bratty on purpose!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are fun consequences for bratting, and not fun consequences. A skilled man can administer both, and his gal will be crystal clear on his limits. 

Ah, I do love when threads go all spanko!>


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

jld said:


> Could you elaborate on this, please?


If I was certain that I was worthy of her admiration and didn't receive it, I wouldn't be married to her. Now that the kids are out of the house I would divorce. 

It's important that her opinion of what is admirable in a husband is close to my own.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Admiration isn't needed.

Just respected/heard/valued. 

Approval was needed in my marriage and that dynamic didn't work.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> If I was certain that I was worthy of her admiration and didn't receive it, I wouldn't be married to her. Now that the kids are out of the house I would divorce.
> 
> It's important that her opinion of what is admirable in a husband is close to my own.


How does one know when "worthy" of admiration? 

The idea of earning admiration doesn't really compute for me. Can't say that I've ever deserved it.

Admiration is more like a gift, no?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

always_alone said:


> How does one know when "worthy" of admiration?
> 
> The idea of earning admiration doesn't really compute for me. Can't say that I've ever deserved it.
> 
> Admiration is more like a gift, no?


If I do things that I would consider worthy of admiration, but she doesn't think that they are worthy, then we're not a good match.

No, I don't think it's a gift. That would mean that I received admiration for no particular reason or just because she liked me. I try to behave in a way that would be admired by most people who share my values (and are in the business of admiring people).

My wife genuinely believes that I am an admirable person. That's important to me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IMO only a moron needs admiration. Earned is a different conversation.

Mutual respect and trust are the most important.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

always_alone said:


> This is for sure true. I have seen it a zillion times.
> 
> "Oooh, what a big strong man you are. Will you move my piano? With those big muscles, I bet you could do it without breaking a sweat."


I agree with the sentiment.

Although I have, on occasion, said such a thing to my husband. It's playful and in jest. His responses make me laugh.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

As for admiration: respect and warm approval; something regarded as impressive or worthy of respect.

My husband appreciates the admiration I have for him. Often I'm taken aback by how he navigates life and what he has achieved for himself (and for us). I think sometimes it speaks to him when he's already feeling proud within himself. Other times he may feel the admiration through my perspective. He took a career change. It was a bold move that paid off. We were discussing the contract, he was wondering if he ought to negotiate harder on the salary. I suggested it was a great offer as it was and how amazed I am by him... to have gotten the role and change direction without a degree or specialist training and simply 'school of life'. Without being a YES man, working with integrity and that he absolutely deserves to be there. He hadn't quite viewed it this way. He's confident but hadn't given himself the same level of credit that I had. I was congratulating him and he replied 'It's well done to us; we're in this together.' 

All that fire-wood he split, the furniture he's making, the progress with the yard ....he's never looked to me expecting compliments, he just does his thing. He does appreciate the acknowledgement given because I respect the work involved. He has told me he appreciates my support as well as when we hash something out together. Recently he was talking to a guy and came away asking how the wife thought it was a good idea to go along with it - adding that he was glad I wasn't that way.

I don't think admiration is something that can be expected or earned. It is can be touching to receive. In those moments where perhaps we aren't doing anything 'special' or worthy of admiration but it's seen that way by someone else, it can allow us to pause and recognize that perhaps even in a small way, that someone is acknowledging and appreciating us and allow ourselves that moment.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

On another note, I work with some people who do _need_ and seek, although don't expect, acknowledgment, respect and moments of admiration... being aware of their different needs, as best I can, I actively encourage and take interest in facilitating what is important to them and this does include taking the time to appreciate, compliment and 'admire' what they are taking pride in for themselves. I think we all need purpose and connection and some more than others, and in different ways, to receive positive acknowledgement.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.

Thoreau


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.
> 
> Thoreau


Google told me that is a misquotation of Thoreau and only the first half is from Walden.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

That it is an incorrect or at least incomplete quotation doesn't change its applicability to this thread.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

I think everybody "wants" a little admiration, but it doesn't supersede the need to be respected. Sometimes, we make decisions that are unpopular by other people's standards, but as an individual, your own values must take precedent.

"If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything."

Being admired, to me, means being popular. We all want to be "liked", but being respected is much more important.

If we're talking about appreciation, that's a whole other subject.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

OliviaG said:


> *Everyone needs to be appreciated and respected by their spouse. That's a basic, fundamental requirement, IMO.
> 
> Admiration is something that grows over the years as you face tough times together and get through them. I admire my husband for the wisdom and steadfastness he's shown to myself and my family during some very difficult times. I admire the way he conducts business ethically. I admire the way he treats people he has authority over respectfully, fairly and gently, and the way he inspires their loyalty because of it. I admire him when I find out something really selfless he's done for another without any fanfare or anyone's knowledge.
> 
> He doesn't do this stuff in the hopes of earning admiration. If he did, it would not be admirable. He does it because that's who he is, and I can't help but admire him for it.*


Love this post.. ..you summed it all up so well...







....how you described your husband, doing BECAUSE THAT IS WHO HE IS, whether it be with his co-workers, his wife, his family, he is steadfast treating gently & fairly to all...you can't help but admire him for that...I feel this way also.. strongly.

It's about integrity and character at the end of the day, isn't it... We will admire those things in others ....sometimes we just want to share it, how it makes us feel... Because they are so *humble* about it -even. 

I do feel respect is something we Earn.. when we 1st meet someone.. we want to believe the best.. but it takes TIME, shared experiences, wading through some difficult times together... to know what someone is made of.. if they are faithful to their promises, a man of their word.. 

I like this quote.. and sorry to say.. many let us down in life.. ... so yeah.. if we feel this way about our husband's.. it's something we internally take to heart.. our trust in him grows , flourishes...

I can't say my husband needs or has ever sought out my "admiring" him....but I know he's happy I feel as I do, I've told him he's the "wind beneath my wings".. and he sure loves that I want his body.. ha ha


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> <snip>
> 
> It's about integrity and character at the end of the day, isn't it... We will admire those things in others ....sometimes we just want to share it, how it makes us feel... Because they are so *humble* about it -even.
> 
> ...


You are so right; at the end of the day, how you feel about every human interaction is about integrity and character, isn't it? If you really drill down into it? 

I think you and I must be soul sisters SA. We're alike in so many ways, even right down to the men we chose!


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