# Not happy, Marriage at a stalemate



## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

We have been together for 8 years, 5 years of marriage. Did the storybook, date for years, got engaged, bought a house, cars together, dogs, multiple other animals, got married. I have found myself just feeling as I am going through the motions of life, repetitive life. For a while now, (year or more) I have not been able to find happiness, I have tried, I love my wife, I just don't know if I am in love with her anymore, this isn't the first time we have been down this road, it has happened before, multiple occasions. She wants it to work, but I don't want to be unhappy or in a so called (ground hog day) movie. The real kicker is that we had recently had a child, (1 month old now). We didn't plan it, just happened. Now with that being said, I would not change my child for the world, I love my child to death and would kill for him if need be! Unfortunately the love feeling has not come back, I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to drag anything out. I don't want her to suffer or my child. But I don't know if its worth being miserable all the time. I literally work and go home, I have no time for myself, I haven't seen any friend in 6 years. I don't do anything social. Unless it involves her. My life is home and work. I try and go to the gym, but she doesn't want me to, tells me it takes time away from her and my child (I do it at night around 3 am since I work nights). I feel like nothing I do makes her happy, I have changed so much for her, and she has not done much changing for me, as I excepted her how she is. We have discussed my feelings, and she pressures me to make a decision, be with or leave. I go on to explain to her that, it isn't that easy, I don't know if I can throw away 8 years. But what if I do and I am happy and can live life, or what if I do and am worse off then I am now. I am in a pickle here, just some outside advice would be nice, since I cant talk to anyone in my family about this.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

What don't you like a about her? Is she obese? Horse teeth? Doesn't treat you with respect? Something about her is at the forefront of your mind and is making you resent her and want to look for greener grass.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> What don't you like a about her? Is she obese? Horse teeth? Doesn't treat you with respect? Something about her is at the forefront of your mind and is making you resent her and want to look for greener grass.


She is beautiful, She does not respect me, will belittle me, and because of her abusive past i let her. I have always had a temper, and with her it will get going, but i calm myself quickly because i know what she has been through, and i will never touch a women that way. I would say she wears the pants, and i guess i let her, but anytime i try to "wear the pants" whatever it is, she makes me feel bad, makes something my fault.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

I forgot to mention that we started young, i was 20 and she was 22. Maybe not having my 20's is it, maybe i want to go back and relive that, I know that is not possible, and I would probably be miserable if i tried. I am not going to risk my career for any of that!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This can be fixed if the two of you want it to, and you both do the work.

There are some books that I think will help you. The first one is "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I think you really need the that book. I think it's available in PDF format. One of the guys around here can probably give you the link.

After that book, there are two books that the two of you would read together and do the work that they say to do. Read the books in this order: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" . It is completely possible to rebuild your marriage into one that is full of passion and that makes both of you happy.

But clearly, your first step is to stop being a "Nice Guy"... read the book. The term does not mean what you probably think it means.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

simplifylife said:


> I forgot to mention that we started young, i was 20 and she was 22. Maybe not having my 20's is it, maybe i want to go back and relive that, I know that is not possible, and I would probably be miserable if i tried. I am not going to risk my career for any of that!


So? 21 and 20 here, T44 years, M42 years. It's not your age. It's what you learned. 

Here, this should help you with that... No More Mr. Nice Guy

Hold on to Your NUTs

"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"

Enjoy your reading.

Best


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> This can be fixed if the two of you want it to, and you both do the work.
> 
> There are some books that I think will help you. The first one is "No More Mr. Nice Guy". I think you really need the that book. I think it's available in PDF format. One of the guys around here can probably give you the link.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will get those books, I honestly have tried, and seems nothing works, just last night, i went to the gym after work, and she calls me and explains that she does not feel good, i ask what is wrong, what would you like to do, and she said she wants to go to the er. OK, expensive but it must be bad. Its a hour drive home and a hour drive back to the er. So I explain that, and she flips out, and 2 seconds later she feels fine. I believe she was fine, just wanted to check up on me, which is fine, in the proper way, I have done nothing to make her think i am going out on her! I wouldn't ever! I am not that type of person. But it bothers me that she constantly "checks" up on me. even to go as far as download a app on my phone that tracks my calls and location.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

simplifylife said:


> .... because of her abusive past i let her.... because i know what she has been through.


Simplify, did the abuse occur only when she was dating an abusive man? I ask because, if she had experienced abuse or abandonment during childhood, it likely would have had far more damaging effects on her self identity and personality.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Simplify, did the abuse occur only when she was dating an abusive man? I ask because, if she had experienced abuse or abandonment during childhood, it likely would have had far more damaging effects on her self identity and personality.


Yes, Her parents are still together married 46 years. The only time is her past ex's. At least that is all she has told me, and that is all that i can tell. Every other bit of her life has not been a struggle.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

simplifylife said:


> I am in a pickle here, just some outside advice would be nice, since I cant talk to anyone in my family about this.


Your concerns are valid, but now is an awful time to present this to your wife. You should not even be contemplating leaving your family with a one-month old child. I suggest being supportive as well as possible for the next six months. Give your wife time to get used to being a parent.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree with the others that the first thing you need to do is learn how to set healthy boundaries and not let her walk all over you. It's not about who wears the pants. You both wear your own pants rather than trying to control each other. It's about teamwork, not about who is in charge.

From what you've said, her past abuse has taught her to try to control everything around her, including you. That is not a healthy way to live for either of you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Going through a pregnancy and the first month of parenthood are hugely exhausting times. When we are exhausted, EVERYTHING feels impossible. So try to honestly answer, how were you feeling about your marriage a year ago? Was it pretty much the same, or is it a lot worse now?

Have you had open conversations with her about the things that are making you unhappy? What does she say? 

How will your life change if you divorce? Won't you still be working as much? Then you will also have joint custody of an infant. If you think you have no time for yourself now, brace yourself for that...


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> Your concerns are valid, but now is an awful time to present this to your wife. You should not even be contemplating leaving your family with a one-month old child. I suggest being supportive as well as possible for the next six months. Give your wife time to get used to being a parent.


I understand it is a awful time, it makes me feel more like a piece of ****! I am being supportive, I cook, clean, laundry, wake up at night with the baby. She literally just has to feed him. I do everything. It does not make me feel good, when i don't get a thank you, hell i haven't even gotten a kiss in 2 weeks! This is weighing very hard on me, its all i think about, sometimes i cant even do my job.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Going through a pregnancy and the first month of parenthood are hugely exhausting times. When we are exhausted, EVERYTHING feels impossible. So try to honestly answer, how were you feeling about your marriage a year ago? Was it pretty much the same, or is it a lot worse now?
> 
> Have you had open conversations with her about the things that are making you unhappy? What does she say?
> 
> How will your life change if you divorce? Won't you still be working as much? Then you will also have joint custody of an infant. If you think you have no time for yourself now, brace yourself for that...


Yes, i have felt this way a year ago. It is pretty much the same, maybe a little worse. I try to have a conversation, but I cant seem to express my thoughts well enough without her getting upset, her way of communication is through text while i am at work! That really upsets me! My life will probably be turned upside down in a divorce, but after so many years i think i need me time, yes i understand how crazy its gonna be passing off a infant, so i have been trying harder to discuss issues, but the communication is not good between us. Yes i would be working more to pay for things i need. I have already decided if things go south quickly, I will give her our house(paid for) our suv, she will have to keep the animals till i get set somewhere, and then i would just take my truck. i would not leave her high and dry.


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## missdixie33 (Apr 15, 2011)

Get yourselves into counseling ASAP. Figure out how to make this work because there's a child involved now.

Even if the marriage isn't salvageable, you have an obligation to make things work because you have a child. Your needs, issues, problems become backburner issues to your child's best interests.

Unless there is blatant abuse, your focus is now to make a good relationship for the sake of the baby. You guys lost the right to worry about yourselves alone because of that child. Counseling will help you work through most of it, but you have to work together to give that child a good foundation. There are so many kids that wind up messed up because the parents put their needs above all else. 

Honestly, with a 1 month old, it's tough. Even the best marriages are tested during the early months with an infant. Your wife's hormones are all over the place. Doing laundry, making meals is great. But your attitude is clear 'She literally just has to feed him'. No, you have no idea what it takes to bear and breastfeed a child. You think that doing laundry and making meals equates to the stress and physical output of


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## missdixie33 (Apr 15, 2011)

Get yourselves into counseling ASAP. Figure out how to make this work because there's a child involved now.

Even if the marriage isn't salvageable, you have an obligation to make things work because you have a child. Your needs, issues, problems become backburner issues to your child's best interests.

Unless there is blatant abuse, your focus is now to make a good relationship for the sake of the baby. You guys lost the right to worry about yourselves alone because of that child. Counseling will help you work through most of it, but you have to work together to give that child a good foundation. There are so many kids that wind up messed up because the parents put their needs above all else. 

Honestly, with a 1 month old, it's tough. Even the best marriages are tested during the early months with an infant. Your wife's hormones are all over the place. Doing laundry, making meals is great. But your attitude is clear 'She literally just has to feed him'. No, you have no idea what it takes to bear and breastfeed a child. Maybe you think that doing laundry and making meals equates to the stress and physical output of bearing and breastfeeding a child. I absolutely hated my husband during the early months because he got off 'easy. And he'd act like he expected 'thanks' for doing something like laundry or dishes- our roles were hard, but I never expected a 'thanks' for breastfeeding our child. Breastfeeding is entirely exhausting, there's a lot of pressure, a lot of hormones involved, and it takes over your life. I'm guessing you're both short on sleep since a newborn wakes up every few hours to feed. It makes you crazy-tired and you think it won't get better, it makes existing issues bigger- but in a few months, this will change. 

If you had problems years ago, you should have tried to fix them. You guys let it fester and then had a baby, by accident. So, now it's not about you, it's about the child. Figure out how to co-parent, even within the house. In 18 years, you can do what you want. But for now, figure it out. A counselor will help you deal with issues in the house so your issues with your wife don't screw up your child.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

missdixie33 said:


> Get yourselves into counseling ASAP. Figure out how to make this work because there's a child involved now.
> 
> Even if the marriage isn't salvageable, you have an obligation to make things work because you have a child. Your needs, issues, problems become backburner issues to your child's best interests.
> 
> ...



I agree with you, i know what i do does not equate to her breastfeeding. I know its hard, that is why i do all that i can to help. yes we are tired, I work nights and come home and take care of my child till she wakes up, then we switch. we had problems years ago, and tried to fix them, i am starting to realize that she might have talked me into having a child, thinking it would fix everything. We are co-parenting, it is very difficult within the house, especially when she does not speak to me. I came from a broken messed up nasty divorced family, I know how difficult it was to constantly see my parents at each others throats. I turned out fine. I really think that is some people's crutch to blame their parents and childhood on that. I have offered counseling, we are planning on going, but I don't see much coming from it, with that said, I am going into with a opened mind, and willing to try again. But i am cautious, and somewhat reserved about it.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

simplifylife said:


> She is beautiful, She does not respect me, will belittle me, and because of her abusive past i let her. I have always had a temper, and with her it will get going, but i calm myself quickly because i know what she has been through, and i will never touch a women that way. I would say she wears the pants, and i guess i let her, but anytime i try to "wear the pants" whatever it is, she makes me feel bad, makes something my fault.


First paragraph my life

My husband thinks I don't respect him..& it's not that, its that 
Because of my abusive pass I have less patients..& he has a temper always have & always will..that he says he puts on hold for me. At the same time he talks crazy & hash before I can even begin to talk..

So I just brush everything off that he says because.. the tone he is using..& the way he talks at me, & not 2 me

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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

DEMI6 said:


> First paragraph my life
> 
> My husband thinks I don't respect him..& it's not that, its that
> Because of my abusive pass I have less patients..& he has a temper always have & always will..that he says he puts on hold for me. At the same time he talks crazy & hash before I can even begin to talk..
> ...


OK, if you don't mind me asking, how is your marriage doing? no disrespect, just want to know. Since you have some of similar past. I do not believe i talk at her, I try to discuss, I get out what i want to say, then I give her time to respond. She used to have more patients, it has dwindled i feel. I understand my temper, and i do know i have gotten loud, but I always give her a chance to voice her concern. And if she is brushing everything off that i say, where does that leave us, no communication, basically how it is now.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

simplifylife said:


> Thank you, I will get those books, I honestly have tried, and seems nothing works, just last night, i went to the gym after work, and she calls me and explains that she does not feel good, i ask what is wrong, what would you like to do, and she said she wants to go to the er. OK, expensive but it must be bad. Its a hour drive home and a hour drive back to the er. So I explain that, and she flips out, and 2 seconds later she feels fine. I believe she was fine, just wanted to check up on me, which is fine, in the proper way, I have done nothing to make her think i am going out on her! I wouldn't ever! I am not that type of person. But it bothers me that she constantly "checks" up on me. even to go as far as download a app on my phone that tracks my calls and location.




It's an hour drive home and an hour to the er..yeah if my partner said that to me...who was an hour away at the gym while I was at home with a new baby (which you didn't plan) did you want the baby?? Is it cramping your freedom ? Does she have post partum depression, was it a natural birth? Does she get sleep, support, do you sleep all day and you are gone all night?
How much time do you spend with the baby, do you bathe feed care for the child? Has she gone out since giving birth? 


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

simplifylife said:


> I understand it is a awful time, it makes me feel more like a piece of ****! I am being supportive, I cook, clean, laundry, wake up at night with the baby. She literally just has to feed him. I do everything. It does not make me feel good, when i don't get a thank you, hell i haven't even gotten a kiss in 2 weeks! This is weighing very hard on me, its all i think about, sometimes i cant even do my job.




But you work nights and go to the gym after. And sleep during the day?


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## XenChi (May 13, 2017)

You are in quite the "tight spot" my friend. Women do not respond well to partners they do not respect. Usually I advise men to "cut bait" when they realize they are in this situation because it is practically unsalvageable. But; you have a newborn involved so the extra effort is warranted. Due to her abuse-ridden past, asserting yourself with her is akin to walking through a mine field in the dark. I would suggest marriage counseling a soon as possible. She must address and resolve the past issues of abuse, and learn to have respect for a man that can lead without getting physical with her.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You both need counselling, you are together 8 years, this often happens around 'the 7 year itch' in a marriage where one or both of the spouses start to question their reasons for being in the marriage. It is more common than you think.

You must read the books suggested by Elle and also start doing more things for yourself, encourage your W to do the same thing, it appears there is too much co-dependency going on here which is not healthy in any marriage. Your marriage, W should add to your life but should not be the 'be all and end all' of who you are as an individual.

In fact you are responsible for you but I think you might be placing more of the blame on your wife than is warranted. You say you cannot do what you want, I think you choose not to and blame her. Stop giving someone so much control, take it back.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

crocus said:


> It's an hour drive home and an hour to the er..yeah if my partner said that to me...who was an hour away at the gym while I was at home with a new baby (which you didn't plan) did you want the baby?? Is it cramping your freedom ? Does she have post partum depression, was it a natural birth? Does she get sleep, support, do you sleep all day and you are gone all night?
> How much time do you spend with the baby, do you bathe feed care for the child? Has she gone out since giving birth?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The issue was not with the baby, my wife said she was not feeling well, the same women that had the flu, a 102 temp for 3 days, and did not want to go to the doctor, (does not like DR.) so i feel it was a "check up call" we did not plan my child, but now that i have a child, I WOULD NOT change it for the world! I did not have much freedom before, so this is not new. I don't know if she has Post pardon depression, I have tried discussing with her to talk to a therapist about it. it was a natural birth. yes she gets sleep, she gets all the support i think one would need, I get on average about 4 hours of sleep, yes i am gone all night, I work nights! I spend every second i am home with the baby, I bathe, feed, care for the baby. She has gone shopping, her mothers, and the park but she does not drink, nor have many friends to "go out" with.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

crocus said:


> But you work nights and go to the gym after. And sleep during the day?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes i work nights, and yes i try and go to the gym for a hour after work, and then i go home take care of my child till sunrise or after, till she wakes up, then i sleep for a couple hours. I have the only one that has been working for a year and a half.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

aine said:


> You both need counselling, you are together 8 years, this often happens around 'the 7 year itch' in a marriage where one or both of the spouses start to question their reasons for being in the marriage. It is more common than you think.
> 
> You must read the books suggested by Elle and also start doing more things for yourself, encourage your W to do the same thing, it appears there is too much co-dependency going on here which is not healthy in any marriage. Your marriage, W should add to your life but should not be the 'be all and end all' of who you are as an individual.
> 
> In fact you are responsible for you but I think you might be placing more of the blame on your wife than is warranted. You say you cannot do what you want, I think you choose not to and blame her. Stop giving someone so much control, take it back.


We are going to counseling soon, as soon as i could get in a appt. I am reading "no more mr. nice guy" then i will go on to the others. I understand i am responsible for me, i try to be, she does not allow it. I try make time for my self, she tells me i am selfish, i try and tell her to go somewhere or relax and she blames me for not wanting to be around her. I cant win! i ask her if i can go to the gym after work, she tells me NO! but that is where i put my foot down, literally that is the only i can do by myself and enjoy it, i cant even mow our yard without her getting upset, saying i don't want to spend time with her and the baby! it takes me 2 hours to mow our yard! I am trying to take control back, but the more i try the more we seem to lose interest in each other, its like she wants to control completely or not at all, that is why i am at the stage of shutting down, the only reason i have not left is because of my child!


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

simplifylife said:


> The issue was not with the baby, my wife said she was not feeling well, the same women that had the flu, a 102 temp for 3 days, and did not want to go to the doctor, (does not like DR.) so i feel it was a "check up call" we did not plan my child, but now that i have a child, I WOULD NOT change it for the world! I did not have much freedom before, so this is not new. I don't know if she has Post pardon depression, I have tried discussing with her to talk to a therapist about it. it was a natural birth. yes she gets sleep, she gets all the support i think one would need, I get on average about 4 hours of sleep, yes i am gone all night, I work nights! I spend every second i am home with the baby, I bathe, feed, care for the baby. She has gone shopping, her mothers, and the park but she does not drink, nor have many friends to "go out" with.[/l
> Oh wow. Maybe you should have been at home to care for your sick wife. I feel sorry for her.
> 
> 
> ...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Next time she pulls that crap about needing you to come home and take her to the ER tell her to call an ambulance and you'll meet her there. If she really needs to go to the ER she'll do it.


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## DEMI6 (Apr 12, 2017)

simplifylife said:


> OK, if you don't mind me asking, how is your marriage doing? no disrespect, just want to know. Since you have some of similar past. I do not believe i talk at her, I try to discuss, I get out what i want to say, then I give her time to respond. She used to have more patients, it has dwindled i feel. I understand my temper, and i do know i have gotten loud, but I always give her a chance to voice her concern. And if she is brushing everything off that i say, where does that leave us, no communication, basically how it is now.


It's hard.
Our communication is not doing good
Yet we can't stop talking to eachother.
I know that everything he is saying is right.
I just don't know how to turn it off.
I take everything he say as an attack. Idk why I do that.
& he is tired of repeating himself.



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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> Next time she pulls that crap about needing you to come home and take her to the ER tell her to call an ambulance and you'll meet her there. If she really needs to go to the ER she'll do it.




That's awful. 



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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

crocus said:


> That's awful.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No, it's not. Two hours to get to the ER then who knows how long a wait when they get there. If she's sick enough to need him to come get her and take her to the ER then she's too sick to wait that long to be seen. Someone brought in by ambulance goes straight back with no wait. _If_ she really needs medical help that's the way to get it, but she _didn't_ really need medical help, it was just an attempt at manipulation, as evidenced by the "2 seconds later she feels fine".


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> No, it's not. Two hours to get to the ER then who knows how long a wait when they get there. If she's sick enough to need him to come get her and take her to the ER then she's too sick to wait that long to be seen. Someone brought in by ambulance goes straight back with no wait. _If_ she really needs medical help that's the way to get it, but she _didn't_ really need medical help, it was just an attempt at manipulation, as evidenced by the "2 seconds later she feels fine".




So it's fine that OP is justified at whining about going to the gym after work (who knows how long), an hour away, when she's got a new baby and the flu? Yeah, call her bluff. She should be able to handle all that. It's the GYM. His life shouldn't be affected. At all. People do the desperation stuff when nothing else fails. Hopefully no post partum depression either. 
She's needy right now. I say...yeah, give her that. Who wouldn't be? 


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

crocus said:


> So it's fine that OP is justified at whining about going to the gym after work (who knows how long), an hour away, when she's got a new baby and the flu? Yeah, call her bluff. She should be able to handle all that. It's the GYM. His life shouldn't be affected. At all. People do the desperation stuff when nothing else fails. Hopefully no post partum depression either.
> She's needy right now. I say...yeah, give her that. Who wouldn't be?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I believe you are combining two different events. Regardless, I'm not going to argue about it with you. Better things to do.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

OP -
You have a lot going on. Life kinda sucks right now.

The good news is, it won't last forever and you can expect a bette future if you do the right things now.


First of all, obviously, having a newborns is a tremendous shock and can cause a marriage to go all to hell despite all best intentions. 

Do you have the financial means to get any help? A cleaning lady, any amount of child care to give mom a break? Especially if there are no grandparents or family involved, she may be just completely totally overwhelmed.

Eve if it's as simple and cheap as a neighbor's 10 year old kid to watch the baby in the playpen for an hour while mom watches TV in a different room.

If it's at all financially viable to get any childcare support, do it. Do it even if she insists she doesn't want it - put your foot down and show leadership and take charge and make it happen. She needs help even if she won't acknowledge or admit she needs help. 

Separately, insist that she not be nasty to you. The burdens of pregnancy and motherhood and newborns aren't an excuse to be a ***** and be nasty to you if you do t deserve it. Stand your ground and insist on being treated like an adult and insist she act like an adult. She's a adult woman not a bratty 13 yet old. 

Thirdly, you better goddamn have your act together. No drinking. Take the baby for lots of walks. Unload the dishwasher and take out the trash every single time before she ever has to ask. Be the best most amazing dad and supportive husband. When the kid is 6 months get a jogging stroller and get your exercise time in by running with the kid. You get exercise and she gets a break.

Be the best dad you can be, make her get some help, and don't let her be abusive to you. And realize that it's going to be a hard year. Sucks ass, yes, but that's life. Your kid is worth it.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> No, it's not. Two hours to get to the ER then who knows how long a wait when they get there. If she's sick enough to need him to come get her and take her to the ER then she's too sick to wait that long to be seen. Someone brought in by ambulance goes straight back with no wait. _If_ she really needs medical help that's the way to get it, but she _didn't_ really need medical help, it was just an attempt at manipulation, as evidenced by the "2 seconds later she feels fine".




Agreed. Absolutely!!

if the situation is a real medical emergency then she should call for the professionals. 

If it doesn't need professional medical attention in the fastest delivery mechanism, its not an emergency, it's a manipulation tactic. 

"I'm unhaaaaaaaapy" is not a medical emergency.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

MartinBeck said:


> OP -
> You have a lot going on. Life kinda sucks right now.
> 
> The good news is, it won't last forever and you can expect a bette future if you do the right things now.
> ...



Yes, It is completely in the finances to get any type of child care, even if it was not, her mother is 9 miles away, and my mother is 15 miles away. So there are people to take care of the baby most of the day or a couple hours a day. She will not leave, she gets defensive and holds on to the baby, so I don't even try that anymore, I still offer but I do not push the subject. She does not have to lift a finger, I clean, I cook, I take care of the animals, and when I am home, I take the baby for as long as I can, I go for a walk almost everyday if its nice. a little over 2.5 miles. I always insist on her treating me right, when that comes into question she "shuts down" does not want to talk, doesn't answer my questions, becomes a mute basically. I don't drink, I don't party, nothing. I understand my kid is worth it, but is it worth it for me, I love my wife, I truly do, that's why I have stayed so long. I am just tired of the bull****, and I know its not fair to put my kid through this, but how long can i keep going through with something that i don't want. I want my child, again, I would not change having my child for the world, but I think at some point, something is gonna snap, and either myself or she will go off. I don't want that, I want the separation calm and more or less adult.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> I believe you are combining two different events. Regardless, I'm not going to argue about it with you. Better things to do.


exactly thank you, She did NOT have a FEVER, that was a PREVIOUS STORY. there was absolutley nothing wrong with her, it was a ploy to get me to come home, more or less because she was being selfish. the baby was asleep, and she just wanted the attention. But of course when I am home, she wants nothing to do with me! Like a flip of a light switch!


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

simplifylife said:


> Yes, It is completely in the finances to get any type of child care, even if it was not, her mother is 9 miles away, and my mother is 15 miles away. So there are people to take care of the baby most of the day or a couple hours a day. She will not leave, she gets defensive and holds on to the baby, so I don't even try that anymore, I still offer but I do not push the subject. She does not have to lift a finger, I clean, I cook, I take care of the animals, and when I am home, I take the baby for as long as I can, I go for a walk almost everyday if its nice. a little over 2.5 miles. I always insist on her treating me right, when that comes into question she "shuts down" does not want to talk, doesn't answer my questions, becomes a mute basically. I don't drink, I don't party, nothing. I understand my kid is worth it, but is it worth it for me, I love my wife, I truly do, that's why I have stayed so long. I am just tired of the bull****, and I know its not fair to put my kid through this, but how long can i keep going through with something that i don't want. I want my child, again, I would not change having my child for the world, but I think at some point, something is gonna snap, and either myself or she will go off. I don't want that, I want the separation calm and more or less adult.




She won't leave the house when the child is being watched by either grandmother? Are you saying the only time she is ever outside of the house by herself is only when you have the child?

If that's the case then I'm guessing post-partum depression. 

You need to sit down with her and have a conversation about getting professional child care and her seeing a doctor for an evaluation of post-partum depression and that she may need to see professional help with that.

You need to be the leader here and force her to get help. You need to calmly insist that the current arrangements are not working and that changes have to be made.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

crocus said:


> That's awful.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




No, it's not. Real medical emergencies require real medical expertise. If she needs to go to the ER and he's an hour away, she calls 911 and he meets her at the hospital.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

What would happen if you told her that you need her to do a regular 1 day a week date night with you? For the first month or so it can be as simple as leaving the child home with a grandparent or a babysitter while the two of you go for a 45 min walk around the neighborhood?

If she refuses that's, it's more evidence of something really wrong that requires professional intervention.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

It seems like your mind was made up before your first post...she is too needy and you want your freedom. But you don't want to seem like a jerk when she just had a baby a month ago.
Yes, she is needy. Probably has been for a long time. The baby is too overwhelming. So maybe she should move out. You can raise your child, she can visit on weekends. Totally doable. You can get childcare.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

MartinBeck said:


> She won't leave the house when the child is being watched by either grandmother? Are you saying the only time she is ever outside of the house by herself is only when you have the child?
> 
> If that's the case then I'm guessing post-partum depression.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree about post-partum depression, I have offered help, I have wonderful insurance that will cover 10 visits at no cost, then any after that is just $25 co-pay. So it is completely doable, but when i offer or ask, it seems to be a very touchy subject. We have left our child with her grandmother 1 time, for about 45 mins while we went to my birthday dinner. She could barely stand that! I have been alone with my child 1 time for about 2 hours, and that was because she had a DR. appt. I have told her that this is not working, and something needs to change, and mentioned counseling again........ and then the anger sets in.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

MartinBeck said:


> What would happen if you told her that you need her to do a regular 1 day a week date night with you? For the first month or so it can be as simple as leaving the child home with a grandparent or a babysitter while the two of you go for a 45 min walk around the neighborhood?
> 
> If she refuses that's, it's more evidence of something really wrong that requires professional intervention.


I told her I would like that, just one night a week, or a couple hours on a weekend, just the two of us. I am concerned that if we ever do get that chance, there would be no conversation between us. Our neighborhood, lack there of is a dusty back road 5 miles to anything that's even paved. we currently are in counseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

simplifylife said:


> We are going to counseling soon, as soon as i could get in a appt. I am reading "no more mr. nice guy" then i will go on to the others. I understand i am responsible for me, i try to be, she does not allow it. I try make time for my self, she tells me i am selfish, i try and tell her to go somewhere or relax and she blames me for not wanting to be around her. I cant win! i ask her if i can go to the gym after work, she tells me NO! but that is where i put my foot down, literally that is the only i can do by myself and enjoy it, i cant even mow our yard without her getting upset, saying i don't want to spend time with her and the baby! it takes me 2 hours to mow our yard! I am trying to take control back, but the more i try the more we seem to lose interest in each other, its like she wants to control completely or not at all, that is why i am at the stage of shutting down, the only reason i have not left is because of my child!


How much time do you spend with your wife? Just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy… quality time?

Can you afford someone to help some.. maybe to do some of the housework so that you can sleep more and spend more time with your wife?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

simplifylife said:


> Yes, It is completely in the finances to get any type of child care, even if it was not, her mother is 9 miles away, and my mother is 15 miles away. So there are people to take care of the baby most of the day or a couple hours a day. She will not leave, she gets defensive and holds on to the baby, so I don't even try that anymore, I still offer but I do not push the subject. She does not have to lift a finger, I clean, I cook, I take care of the animals, and when I am home, I take the baby for as long as I can, I go for a walk almost everyday if its nice. a little over 2.5 miles. I always insist on her treating me right, when that comes into question she "shuts down" does not want to talk, doesn't answer my questions, becomes a mute basically. I don't drink, I don't party, nothing. I understand my kid is worth it, but is it worth it for me, I love my wife, I truly do, that's why I have stayed so long. I am just tired of the bull****, and I know its not fair to put my kid through this, but how long can i keep going through with something that i don't want. I want my child, again, I would not change having my child for the world, but I think at some point, something is gonna snap, and either myself or she will go off. I don't want that, I want the separation calm and more or less adult.


Your baby is one month old. Of course your wife does not want to leave the baby. Give her time. It might help to have your mother, or hers, come over some just to sit with your wife and talk to her. As time goes on she will get used to them helping. And then she might start letting them watch your baby for a bit while she does things.

And if you have the money, hire someone to do the cleaning for a while. Give yourself a break.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

simplifylife said:


> I told her I would like that, just one night a week, or a couple hours on a weekend, just the two of us. I am concerned that if we ever do get that chance, there would be no conversation between us. Our neighborhood, lack there of is a dusty back road 5 miles to anything that's even paved. we currently are in counseling.


Are you saying that you cannot work on a dusty road with her? You say that you walk 2.5 miles a day in addition to going to the guy. So where do you walk? 

It the road is a dusty 5 miles, then drive 5 miles to a better place to walk. 

Start on small dates, even if they are on your property… go outside to the back yard and share a meal, or desert and just talk. You don’t know what to talk about? Get a conversation starter book for couples and bring up the topics that they suggest. Start talking, about anything.

Once she gets used to a grandma taking care of the baby while you two are also at home, she will start feeling safe leaving your new baby with the grandmothers.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How much time do you spend with your wife? Just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy… quality time?
> 
> Can you afford someone to help some.. maybe to do some of the housework so that you can sleep more and spend more time with your wife?


I spend around 4 hours a day with my wife, everyday, and all day on saturday and sunday. She does not enjoy anything i like, and i try have her do things she wants, which normally is nothing, so i sit and do nothing with her, and then she gets on her phone.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Your baby is one month old. Of course your wife does not want to leave the baby. Give her time. It might help to have your mother, or hers, come over some just to sit with your wife and talk to her. As time goes on she will get used to them helping. And then she might start letting them watch your baby for a bit while she does things.
> 
> And if you have the money, hire someone to do the cleaning for a while. Give yourself a break.



I have offered multiple times for anyone of our family members to come over, or even go to their house and just have them watch the baby. We have gone to her mothers house numerous times, but she is always in a hurry to leave.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that you cannot work on a dusty road with her? You say that you walk 2.5 miles a day in addition to going to the guy. So where do you walk?
> 
> It the road is a dusty 5 miles, then drive 5 miles to a better place to walk.
> 
> ...



We go for a walk together down the gravel road, 2.5 miles with our child, I go on a run for another 2.5 miles, i offer her to come, and i told her ill walk if she does not want to run, we even have a jogging stroller! she enjoys the walks with me, but anytime i ask, how are you, whats going through your head, she does not talk. she does not want to discuss anything, at least in person, she would rather do it through a text, and I can't STAND that!


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

simplifylife said:


> Yes, I agree about post-partum depression, I have offered help, I have wonderful insurance that will cover 10 visits at no cost, then any after that is just $25 co-pay. So it is completely doable, but when i offer or ask, it seems to be a very touchy subject. We have left our child with her grandmother 1 time, for about 45 mins while we went to my birthday dinner. She could barely stand that! I have been alone with my child 1 time for about 2 hours, and that was because she had a DR. appt. I have told her that this is not working, and something needs to change, and mentioned counseling again........ and then the anger sets in.




Wait... you have only been allowed to be alone with the kid for 2 hours over the last month? Like she won't leave the house for a few hours while you watch the baby?!??

You're not allowed to take the kid out for an hour walk without her??!!

She is not well. You have a wife with a mental disorder, and that places the onus on you to lead her to a healthy recovery. 

Insist on taking the kid out and about with you in the car while you do some errands, or take the kid to grandparents house without her. And tell her that you have that right as the child's father. 

You need to get firm and calmly state that things cannot continue this way, and push hard for counseling. She is looking at divorce and a shared custody arrangements if she doesn't consent to counseling and to allowing you to have unsupervised Daddy time alone with your child.


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

simplifylife said:


> We go for a walk together down the gravel road, 2.5 miles with our child, I go on a run for another 2.5 miles, i offer her to come, and i told her ill walk if she does not want to run, we even have a jogging stroller! she enjoys the walks with me, but anytime i ask, how are you, whats going through your head, she does not talk. she does not want to discuss anything, at least in person, she would rather do it through a text, and I can't STAND that!




Send her back to the house while you continue on the walk with the child. If she refuses to allow you to do that, you need to both insist that you are allowed to have time with your kid, and that she needs to start to get used to spending a bit of time apart from the kid. 

The family is the three of you, not just the baby and her. She is not unilaterally allowed to make all of these decisions for the family.


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## simplifylife (May 11, 2017)

MartinBeck said:


> Wait... you have only been allowed to be alone with the kid for 2 hours over the last month? Like she won't leave the house for a few hours while you watch the baby?!??
> 
> You're not allowed to take the kid out for an hour walk without her??!!
> 
> ...


Yes, I have probably only had my child for around 4 to 6 hours total by myself, and she is within 15 mins of us. So....... i have offered to take my child anywhere for a break for her, just to go to town, and get groceries anything but she does not want me to go alone. 

I have mentioned that things cant keep going this way, i explained that she is pushing me away doing these things, she states that she does not want that, but actions are louder then words, and her actions keep pushing me out the door! she has even gone as far to look up child arrangements like how long i would get the child and when i need my child back, since my child is so young. and also looked up for when my child is older, Why would she even feel the need to look that up, unless she thinks i am leaving or wants me to?!

We are currently going to counseling, but its just started. I don't think counseling will assist in 2 years of a unsatisfied marriage, the whole reason i am sucking it up and staying put is for my child. I really cant even open up emotionally to her, she has not been affectionate at all, it has been literally 3 weeks since she has even kissed me! I still tell her i love her, which i do, i always will love her, she is the mother of my child, I just do not feel in love with her anymore, feel like all hope is lost and putting in effort is getting very hard to do!


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

simplifylife said:


> Yes, I have probably only had my child for around 4 to 6 hours total by myself, and she is within 15 mins of us. So....... i have offered to take my child anywhere for a break for her, just to go to town, and get groceries anything but she does not want me to go alone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Perhaps you are done. 
It doesn't seem like you have anything in common, she doesn't like to do what you do, and you honestly don't seem to even like her.
Was this baby planned? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MartinBeck (Jan 19, 2017)

simplifylife said:


> Yes, I have probably only had my child for around 4 to 6 hours total by myself, and she is within 15 mins of us. So....... i have offered to take my child anywhere for a break for her, just to go to town, and get groceries anything but she does not want me to go alone.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You don't offer, you lead and you do. 
"I am taking the baby out for a walk, I'll be back in a half hour". 
"I am taking the baby with me while I run an errand, I'll be back in an hour." and you put the kid in the car seat and you go.

She will probably react very badly, and possibly violently, to realizing she can't be in control of you. You need to be prepared for that. 

She is suffering from postpartum depression and lost in a fog of mental illness and making very bad choices. 

Discuss in counseling her complete refusal to take a break and to take any time away from the baby. It's insanely unhealthy.

Discuss with the counselor that you think she is suffering from depression and needs therapy and help. 

State to her in front of the counselor that she is not the only person who makes decisions on how the child is raised. She is not the only person who knows what is best for baby. You are the kid's father and you are in charge just as much as she is. 
And right now your concern is for the child, because a mother who doesn't take a few hours a week away from taking care of baby is going to loose her mind.

Basically, you need her to take time to take care of herself otherwise her mental health will continue to deteriorate.

All of this is way more important right now than trying to fix the marriage. If she can't be mentally healthy she can't be a good wife.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

The bolded are 100% on you. You teach people how to treat you, and you have taught her to treat you badly. You also mentioned earlier that you aren't allowed to do things with friends, and that your life is work and home. That also isn't good, and not only you, but both of you NEED time away from home, and to spend time with friends. It keeps you sane, allows you to not be each other's everything, and gives you guys something to talk about. What I would do is sit down for a heart to heart with her, and let her know that your life together just isn't working out, and that things need to change, pronto.



simplifylife said:


> She is beautiful, *She does not respect me, will belittle me, and because of her abusive past i let her*. I have always had a temper, and with her it will get going, but i calm myself quickly because i know what she has been through, and i will never touch a women that way. I would say she wears the pants, and i guess i let her, but *anytime i try to "wear the pants" whatever it is, she makes me feel bad, makes something my fault.*


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