# Where to start...



## mranonymous (Feb 7, 2013)

Good day all,

I am new to the forums, and I appreciate the forum for being here. I read a lot of great things so far and never thought I'd be in a position to write my own post regarding my future with my wife.

For all intents and purposes, we have a had a great marriage but I am at a signifigant crossroads now.

First and foremost, I want to clearly state that I am in no way taking inventory or blaming, I want to lay the facts out as they are.

My wife and I had a pretty serious argument the other day with the way she handled a situation. I called it unprofessional and she stormed off, threw my sons book at me while yelling and starting slamming doors with our kids present. I calmly went upstairs and tried to talk, but she was still worked up, and proceeded to yell again and slammed the bathroom door.

At this point, I knew I had lost her with regards to trying to listening to reason, so I let her cool off, come downstairs and I proceeded upstairs and closed the door and watched the hockey game. Needlesss to say, I slept alone that night, she slept downstairs on the couch.

Come Wednesday morning, I went off to work as per usual with no communication from her whatsoever. I picked up my son from school and we went home, she cold shouldered me again so I figured instead of staying around to keep a fresh wound open, I would go upstairs and iron my clothes. Well, she had already ironed my clothes for me, so I proceeded to lie down and have a cup of coffee figuring I needed some time to think about stuff.

I went downstairs for dinner, ate and still no communication - I just assumed she was not ready to talk and I appreciate the need for space when people are angry or frustrated so I went back upstairs and stayed there for the evening until I came to work today, again no communication attempts last night. She slept downstairs and I slept alone.

Now, to the actual story and why this occured;

About a year and half ago, my father and I worked out our differences that kept us apart for 12 years, namely the fact the my father never accepted my wife. I messed up in a huge way with him and ultimatley that was the straw that broke the back.

Since my Dad came back into our lives wanting to be a Dad, FIL and a Grandpa, our lives have become very complicated. My father is well off, he helped us buy a home and we bought his SUV from him as he wanted us to have a really reliable vehicle for running his grandkids around.

I am incredibly frugal with money since we lost our home back in 2008 due to her parents - long story. But since we have purchased this home, we have had to pour money into it at an alarming rate (~$10,000 to date) and we are now stressed about cash flow again, although we have no credit card debt or any other debt outside of our mortgage. I put both her and I on a cash allowance of $100 every two weeks, I leave my debit card at home to ensure I don't spend.

This has stressed her out beyond her capacity and I think she has now begun to resent everything about the car and the house.

She is a working stay at home mom, well educated but no ambition. I have no objection to her wanting to stay home and raise our kids, I think it's great! But it has changed her dramatically. She is an absolutely horrible person to be around, there is no passion, spark or romance. It's the usual "wash, rinse, repeat" cycle with her and I can tell it's wearing on her.

On Monday, we had to take our SUV in for servicing and they found some issues with it and all totalled - it was in excess of $1000 (we drive a Lexus). I got home and she flipped out on me for spending so much money on the vehicle, said she hated it, would rather take the bus now, I said "fine, but it's my car, I pay for it and I'll choose what to do with it much like you chose what to do with yours".

Well that was the catalyst to it all, she now hates the house, everything about this house that we just bought in August and basically hates everything about everything.

Now, to be honest, I could not say one bad thing about her when it comes to her being a mother, she is amazing, absolutley incredible, as a wife, she is horrible.

I am no walk in the park and like I said, not taking inventory here. I have my own challenges and demons that I am dealing with, I was recently was diagnosed with depression and prescribed meds which I will not take. I told my doctor directly that I won't go through life as a drooling zombie, so I chose the change in diet routine and vitamin supplements to see if that makes a difference.

I have had my challenges growing up, I was homeless for three years and only recently put my life back together 3 months before meeting her and moving in together. We had our first child when I was 19 and I man'd up and stuck around to raise him. I have no education (completed grade 8 and recently took and passed my GED), but make a great living working in the tech sector and have been gainfully employed for 19 years. I have recently enrolled into my Bachelor of Computer Science - Information Systems University degree program so that I can be an example for my kids. I have worked very hard to get where I am today, she is college educated and has always worked the lowest end job possible earning at least half of what I earn and it's always been a sore spot for me.

I can't say that I love her anymore, because I really don't think I do. I respect her as the mother of my kids, but there is nothing there when I see her, no spark, no butterflies, nothing.

We have been together for over 19 years, married for almost 17 years and I feel like I not lived any of my life, I have lived the life she dictates, where, when and how. I so desperatley want to travel, move to a different country, give our kids culture - she doesn't want any part of it.

I am at a complete loss for words as to how we got to this point, but now when I look back at it, I think it's been coming for a long time - just now, I am beginning to wake up to it.

My biggest fear in asking her to leave is not having my kids everyday. My kids are my world, they keep me grounded and level headed. We have cuddle time everynight and I don't think I could ever jeopardize that.

If I can put it together more soundly in my head an make sense out of what I am feeling, I'll post more.

I appreciate any feedback!

Thanks!

mranonymous


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, first, she wants YOU to apologize. Do you owe her one? If so, go ahead and apologize for what you did. But no more. If she tries to use that and drag you through the mud, refuse. "I apologized for my words, nothing more." And leave the room. If she raises her voice at you or throws or whatever, leave the room. If she follows you to another room, leave the house. If she starts up again when you get home, go to a hotel or a friend's couch. REFUSE TO PARTICIPATE in her berating you, ok?

Now, as for your marriage. it's typical to find it stale at about this time. You're not getting younger, she's not gonna be living in luxury, whatever. Get over it. She's mad at how her life turned out. You have no control over that. What you DO have control over is how you manage YOUR side of the marriage. I know it sounds wonderful to just leave, but trust me, the grass is rarely greener; just more expensive. Neither of you seems to have done much of anything to protect this marriage, let alone IMPROVE it. 

So that's your task right now. Set a goal, read this one book, and carry out the plan for, say, five months. If, by the end of May, you still feel like leaving, approach it then. I'm going to bet that things will change. BOTH of you are in your corners, licking your wounds, feeling no compassion for the other. Someone has to take the first step. You're here, so it gets to be you. 

The book is His Needs Her Needs, by Harley. It's kind of a 'math' book for marriage, you ought to enjoy it. Read it and come back and we'll discuss how to implement it.

Once you do that, also read up about your 'level.' She has lost respect for you and you need to get it back. You do that in many ways. Books like these will help you understand how to do it (but do the HNHN stuff first): Married Man Sex Life Primer (not about sex), Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Every man should read them.

You'll get there, but you have to be patient. Once a woman loses respect and desire for her man, it will take a LONG time to get it back. So be patient. Work it for 5 months and see what happens.


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## mranonymous (Feb 7, 2013)

She just texted me at work, totally out of the blue;

"don't come home"

Enough said I think...


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## mranonymous (Feb 7, 2013)

Oh, and apparently I am cheating on her...

mranonymous


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Surely you aren't going to accept that?


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## Sillyputty (Jan 22, 2013)

Good advice from tunera as noted above. I am in a similar situation, only I have been working on mySELF for a long time. Even so I could not prevent my marriage from going stale (notice I didn't say dead). Kids, stress, work, etc., all these factors can and do reek havoc on a marriage. I was ready to give up but I suddenly realized I had too much to lose. Sure there are other fish in the sea so to speak, but who else in life will you ever be able to look back over the years, good times, harsh times, child rearing, death, etc., all these major life events you have shared with your wife? Many people throw in the towel rather than do the "work" that is needed to sort things out. Some people simply lack the skills necessary to do this work. Do YOU desire to reconile the marriage at this point (assuming that is possible)? Of course this takes a joint effort but if that is desire the two of you share, one of you will have to step up and take the lead. Since you have reached out and seem more clear headed about this (albeit a bit angry and rightfully so), you might have to step up and lead your wife through this murky fog. No one sees this coming when they get married but the fog essentially spares no one. Many people repeat the cycle several times rather than doing the work. Good luck however you decide. I'm not saying stay put at all costs, but what you have described above pales in comparison to many of the stories you can read here on TAM or many self-help books that are available.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do NOT move out of your house! PLEASE trust me on this. And on your way home, stop at Radio Shack and buy a voice-activated recorder. She's going to try to blame you and if you stand up to her, she just may accuse you of assault so she can call the police and MAKE you leave. If you have it recorded, when the cops show up, you can play it for them so they'll see she's lying. Please protect yourself.


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