# The most important piece of advice you were given after you found out?



## SamuraiJack

So when she announced I was lost in the woods for a time.
I didn’t know about TAM and didn’t have the faintest clue where to go or what to do.
Eventually I limped the thing out through a weird combination of instinct and stubbornness.

I’m still trying to figure out if there was one specific piece of advice that tiled me over the edge to recovery.
What was the BEST piece of advice you got after you knew divorce was inevitable?


----------



## BetrayedDad

SamuraiJack said:


> What was the BEST piece of advice you got after you knew divorce was inevitable?


Do an extreme form of the 180. Break all contact (except kid related, email only) and disappear as much as possible. Get busy with life (ie going to the gym, hanging out with friends, etc.) 99.9% of horrible people are attention wh0res and they especially love drama. Starve them of it and it will drive them mad.

If I remember your story, wasn't your ex the morbidly obese video game addict? How's that been working out for her lately? You dodged a bullet like Neo from the Matrix with that one. I hope you sent her a thank you card. I guess one man's trash is another's treasure. Let her be the WAW... You can be the RFTHH (run for the hills hubby).


----------



## grays

For me it was all about getting out as much as possible and building a new and satisfying life. It was hard for me to deal with down time for a while and it can still feel a little dicey to have a night at home with no plans, but I'm getting better at that.


----------



## JustFree

from previous post: "Do an extreme form of the 180. Break all contact (except kid related, email only) and disappear as much as possible. Get busy with life (ie going to the gym, hanging out with friends, etc.) 99.9% of horrible people are attention wh0res and they especially love drama. Starve them of it and it will drive them mad."
This was my mantra and is today 5 months after the separation agreement signed.


----------



## Openminded

Everyone was opposed to my divorce (my ex-husband cheated a second time) because I had been married so long. I ignored all the advice by friends and family to remain married until the end and told myself that the only person who mattered in this decision was me. And my advice to myself was "be happy and enjoy your life". And I am.


----------



## EasyPartner

SamuraiJack said:


> So when she announced I was lost in the woods for a time.
> I didn’t know about TAM and didn’t have the faintest clue where to go or what to do.
> Eventually I limped the thing out through a weird combination of instinct and stubbornness.
> 
> I’m still trying to figure out if there was one specific piece of advice that tiled me over the edge to recovery.
> What was the BEST piece of advice you got after you knew divorce was inevitable?


For me it was take matters into my own hands and file for divorce myself. She didnt see that one coming . 

Put me right back up on my horse after a grueling few months of indecisiveness. Biiig 180 step.


----------



## lonelyhusband321

In the nutshell, it was to keep my self-respect and dignity; to not simply meet someone else's demands, but to have a few reasonable demands of my own.


----------



## Fenix

Let your friends help you.
No contact beyond the bare necessities.

Those were the two biggies. I think back and go "woah..." Life is sooo good now.


----------



## honcho

SamuraiJack said:


> So when she announced I was lost in the woods for a time.
> I didn’t know about TAM and didn’t have the faintest clue where to go or what to do.
> Eventually I limped the thing out through a weird combination of instinct and stubbornness.
> 
> I’m still trying to figure out if there was one specific piece of advice that tiled me over the edge to recovery.
> What was the BEST piece of advice you got after you knew divorce was inevitable?


The best piece of advice I received is the very thing that I cant get done in my divorce. If its inevitable get it done as fast as you can. The quicker you can get it done the better off in the long run. 

By the time most divorces get done they have dragged on for so long why your getting divorced to begin with just gets lost in the whole process. Don't sweat the small stuff, hammer out an agreement and get it behind you. I sure wish my stbx could comprehend that after all this time.


----------



## sammy3

To live to the highest standard you can during separation as it set precedent for settlement, as sadly a friend of mine just found out... as they did the opposite to try to save money. 

~sammy


----------



## sammy3

...and NEVER say NO! if a judge asks a sahm, "Did hubby make you stay home....?"

~sammy


----------



## Ynot

I have heard a lot of good advise (even some from the OP :smthumbup But the bottomline I think is that you have to be selfish. Not greedy but think of yourself first and everybody else later. Once you are able to reconstitute yourself you can start worrying about others (obviously that sentiment wouldn't apply in cases involving children)


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Ynot said:


> I have heard a lot of good advise (even some from the OP :smthumbup But the bottomline I think is that you have to be selfish. Not greedy but think of yourself first and everybody else later. Once you are able to reconstitute yourself you can start worrying about others (obviously that sentiment wouldn't apply in cases involving children)


Nobody is responsible for your happiness except you. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. No one makes you angry, you choose to react to their behaviour with anger.

It really helped me understand that my ex always considered someone else to be responsible for everything. If my ex wasn't happy, it was my fault. If someone else made my ex happy, that was a better place to be. If my ex was angry, it was my fault. My ex had an external locus of control and there was nothing I could do about it.

I choose to be responsible for my own future.


----------



## 2ntnuf

> I’m still trying to figure out if there was one specific piece of advice that tiled me over the edge to recovery.
> What was the BEST piece of advice you got after you knew divorce was inevitable?


I'm still waiting for it. Don't get me wrong. I've had plenty of good advice. None of it, nor one thing, has set me over the edge to recovery. I wish it weren't so. Whatever that one thing is, I believe it's inside me, and no one can set me on that road, but me.


----------



## arbitrator

*That as the BS, it was never, ever my fault in the first place ~ although at times, I still question myself in that regard, often needing some additional reinforcement in that regard!

But as 2-Man greatly intoned, the true answer can only be found from within, by a combination of my constanty searching my inner-self, along with prayer to a most loving God!*


----------



## Ynot

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Nobody is responsible for your happiness except you. You can't change other people, you can only change yourself. No one makes you angry, you choose to react to their behaviour with anger.
> 
> It really helped me understand that my ex always considered someone else to be responsible for everything. If my ex wasn't happy, it was my fault. If someone else made my ex happy, that was a better place to be. If my ex was angry, it was my fault. My ex had an external locus of control and there was nothing I could do about it.
> 
> I choose to be responsible for my own future.


I am finding the concept of selfishness to be a like an onion. I am finding myself peeling off one layer only to find another deeper layer beneath it. I continue to uncover ever deeper assumptions, emotions, observations and reasonings behind every shallower layer of conclusions I have had to revisit. I was told things early on things that I thought made sense. I now realize I couldn't even really conceive of their true meaning at the time. I am only now beginning to find the context with which to judge my actions against.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Don't bad mouth your wife to your kids..

When I was near the edge, when I felt I just couldn't live another day.. A GREAT friend of mine grabbed me by the shoulders and after hearing me say *"I can't do this anymore. I just can't live another day dealing with this.. Its just too much for me.. I'm sorry, I'm just not built for this sort of sh!t.."*

He said HTH, I know you don't see it right now. But you are living it.. You are actually dealing with it.. Right now, Right here. YOU ARE DEALING WITH IT.. Its been 3 months so far and you have been dealing with it.. You have been WORSE then this 2 months ago.. You can do this.. You have to have the effort and strength for your boys.. You can do this.. HTH, do you want your boys with this other man calling him dad 5 years from now because your not around. Please don't let them win.. We love you too much to see you lose this way.. 

I cry now as I type this remembering that moment.. I would ball out weeping if my youngest wasn't 20 feet behind me playing Xbox.. 

Life is a journey, I know everyone wants to get from point A to B in the most straightest of lines. But sometimes its not like that.. The idea is to have a goal and not give up on that goal, no matter how the road takes you there.. Just strive for something, have a goal and life and work your way towards it and just don't expect the quick way to get there..


----------



## synthetic

> The most important piece of advice you were given after you found out?


To read this: (member "Uptown" was the one who gave me the link)

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?


----------

