# My husband begs for sex constantly



## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm 22 and my husband is 25. We've been married for a year and a half. Back in April he had attempted to have sex with me whilst I was asleep and actually penetrated me. I've felt hurt and turned off from him since then. Every time we speak or see eachother he pushes me to have sex. He says things like "Are you almost done with your period yet? I want booty." He does it every day, multiple times. Any time we do have sex he always asks to go another round. 

Sex for me isn't really enjoyable. I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice. 

I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I am very sorry for what's happened to you.

Sounds like your hubby has a healthy and high sex drive. That's normal for a guy in his 20's by the way.

I would of chatted about having sex with you while you're asleep beforehand and that goes either way. If I did that to my wife, she would of freaked out!!! If she would of done that to me, I would be in heaven......

When I was in my teens and early to mid 20's, same as your hubby. 1 - 3 times almost every day.

I'm older now, 39, but since I weight train, eat healthy and take non - steroidal supplements, my sex drive is almost as high at times like I was in my teens and 20's. Could be once every day or up to 3 times an hour still, but I have more control now.

Decreasing a male's sex drive is near impossible. We are built on testosterone and that makes us in the mood a lot more, bigger, stronger, etc. Short of giving him an estrogen booster and testosterone blocker, there isn't that much you can do.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I am sorry to hear of all the sexual abuse and assault in your past. That must be very difficult for you. 

Have you been to counseling for this? 

Your husband is being a selfish insensitive jerk. Was he like this before you were married?


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Are you doing any form of therapy? Given what you have been through, that needs to be your (and his) top priority right now. Don't get me wrong, if you cannot have a healthy sexual relationship eventually, you need to cut him loose, but in the short term, you need to deal with the scars that you have from your a abuse and rapes.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Counseling is an excellent idea. Can't go wrong there.

As newly weds, being intimate almost all the time is normal and expected. Now go 10+ years down the road with minimal to no sex......married?

I'm sure if us guys could shut off our sex drive just like that, it would be a good thing, but we can't. Compromise is the key here. He wants "you" all the time, a good thing. What would be a middle ground for intimacy? Has to be a middle ground. It can't be what you only want, it has to be for both of you......


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Why did you get married ? you have way too many other issues going on.Does your husband know about all of your history?

You both need to go to counseling[NOW] because I am sure he has no clue on how to work with you to help you get better.He sees his hor bride who he just wants to have sex with all the time like many new couples do.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

dubbizle said:


> Why did you get married ? you have way too many other issues going on.Does your husband know about all of your history?
> 
> You both need to go to counseling[NOW] because I am sure he has no clue on how to work with you to help you get better.He sees his hor bride who he just wants to have sex with all the time like many new couples do.


I was just going to post this. With your history OP, you are not marriage material until you deal with the past. Guy are going to want sex from their wife...there's no avoiding it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He wants sex with you becuase he loves you.

You have a history that ties sex with hate, instead of love.

I recommend therapy / counseling.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

His sex drive is normal and healthy. Unfortunately your sex drive is inhibited by past sexual trauma. It is my opinion you need to seek out professional help process this trauma. 

At some point your relationship will be impacted by the sex.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Guys... penetrating a sleeping woman does not constitute a "normal" sex drive. Let's just say he was overly horny that night, but that is being nice about it.

OP... does your husband know about the past sexual abuse and rape?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Guys... penetrating a sleeping woman does not constitute a "normal" sex drive. Let's just say he was overly horny that night, but that is being nice about it.
> 
> OP... does your husband know about the past sexual abuse and rape?


It may very well be inappropriate but I know when I was in my early 20's learning about sex with my wife I crossed a lot of lines too. That's how I learned what was acceptable and what was not. I don't know that all woman would be offended by this.

Obviously in light of her past it was particularly egregious. It was certainly worth talking about to ensure nothing like it happens again. 

I believe a 20 something woman should be enjoying an active sex life. The OP indicates she does not enjoy sex. It would appear past trauma is an underlying factor. I don't believe that's the kind of trauma many women can work through on their own.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Married 1.5 years, but gang raped twice in the past 2 years? Assuming you knew your husband for 6 months at least before you were married, where was he during all of this?


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Guys... penetrating a sleeping woman does not constitute a "normal" sex drive. Let's just say he was overly horny that night, but that is being nice about it.
> 
> OP... does your husband know about the past sexual abuse and rape?


Husband needs to learn boundaries regarding sex, especially regarding your trauma history. It would be beneficial for you, OP, to process these traumas with a therapist who is experienced with trauma work. 

It might be good for both individuals to start off with individual counseling, and then find a good marriage counselor when you're both feeling grounded enough.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

sinnister said:


> I was just going to post this. With your history OP, you are not marriage material until you deal with the past. Guy are going to want sex from their wife...there's no avoiding it.


I think this is a very cruel thing to say to her when she is obviously distressed and coming here for help. She has been through terrible traumas in a short period of time.

I think she deserves our compassion and helpful suggestions. If you can't manage that then don't bother to post. 

It is an unfortunate condition of life that the sins of one person is visited upon another. I am certain you have experienced it many times. So have I. 

And I have also fallen into the trap of blaming the victim. I know I am wrong though and censure myself before I say anything out loud. You might do the same.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> I think this is a very cruel thing to say to her when she is obviously distressed and coming here for help. She has been through terrible traumas in a short period of time.
> 
> I think she deserves our compassion and helpful suggestions. If you can't manage that then don't bother to post.
> 
> ...


I actually was trying to be helpful. I'll take a softer approach. She isn't ready to be in a committed faithful relationship that will require her to have sex frequently if she's been through that horrible trauma - without getting help to deal.

Better?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I agree. Since he didn't come here looking for help, why should any consideration be given to him? I'm sure HER problems can be solved by ignoring his issues as well.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am sure that over the years I have tried the same thing with my wife more than a few times, she would just wake up roll her eyes, smile, and go on to a nice "O"...I am sorry you couldn't accept his advances in the proper spirit and just embrace the moment....

I understand you are carrying some baggage, and if he was aware of it, he should have been more sensitive....


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Gamer,
First, let me say that your previous experiences were terrible and if you haven't already done so, you need to seek counseling to help yourself in dealing with the emotional wreckage that is likely there.
Second, your husband's attempt to have sex with you while you were sleeping was inappropriate and a bit immature. However, as was previously posted, other women might respond to that type of effort in a positive manner. Obviously, your past should have been a clue to him that greater care should have been taken to make sure that you wanted his advances.
In an effort to better understand the situation, can you provide a little more detail. You said that your husband begs for sex every time you see each other or talk and he wants to know when you are getting off your period because he wants "booty". In a young, newly married couple, I really don't find this too terribly odd. How often do you have sex with your husband? If you have sex with him several times a week, I could likely understand your frustration. If it is only once every few months, that's another story. Either way, I agree with others that counseling is a good idea.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

gamer said:


> I'm 22 and my husband is 25. We've been married for a year and a half. Back in April he had attempted to have sex with me whilst I was asleep and actually penetrated me. I've felt hurt and turned off from him since then. Every time we speak or see eachother he pushes me to have sex. He says things like "Are you almost done with your period yet? I want booty." He does it every day, multiple times. Any time we do have sex he always asks to go another round.
> 
> Sex for me isn't really enjoyable. I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice.
> 
> I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


I don't intend to be insensitive here, but why did you get married in the first place? It sounds as if he has always been perpetually horny and you have been cautious towards sex because of your past. The two don't sound like a good mix. Additionally, if you're not sexually attracted to him, why get married? 

...and let's not tiptoe around the other issue here, and that's rape. Non-consensual sex is rape, and your husband is a prick for doing it, and drunk is not an excuse.

It sounds as if you two have a TON of issues to work through. Perhaps you should attend counseling together to try and work through said issues.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I think this is a very cruel thing to say to her when she is obviously distressed and coming here for help. She has been through terrible traumas in a short period of time.
> 
> I think she deserves our compassion and helpful suggestions. If you can't manage that then don't bother to post.
> 
> ...


Where was anyone blaming her for anything? The only point being made was that, in a 20-something healthy male, sex is going to be an important, if not one of the most important, aspects of married life. Since her sexual experiences have been negative, she needs to hear the truth: that none all desire is selfish, and that her husbands desire for her is vastly different than that of rape and molestation. This doesn't mean that anything is her fault, it just means that things are going to be difficult for both of them.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, the penetration while asleep thing...not necessarily rape. If she told him no beforehand, then yeah...he could need some help there. But sometimes it's fun to wake your spouse up with a surprise. I've done it many times, and my husband loves it. Doesn't mean I'm raping him just because he's asleep first. Sheesh. 

Now, given her history, it's not a considerate thing to do. He shouldn't have done it, and it was wrong in that context, but the actions itself...not necessarily wrong.


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## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

Ok, my husband does know about everything that happened to me. When we met I was pressing charges against 6 men who raped me. He accepted me, even though I had made bad choices that led up to those situations. Also I have gone through counseling, I have since I was 14.

To say that I'm not marriage material is very insensitive and hurtful. You don't know me.

My husband also refuses to see a marriage counselor and says he is seeing someone at work but I have my doubts. He only "goes to speak with them" when I tell him that he has done something to hurt me emotionally.


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## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

I got married to him because I love him. We both have our problems, both of us have PTSD and we know how to help eachother emotionally. We fight like every other couple but we have an understanding of eachothers emotional needs.


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## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Gamer,
> First, let me say that your previous experiences were terrible and if you haven't already done so, you need to seek counseling to help yourself in dealing with the emotional wreckage that is likely there.
> Second, your husband's attempt to have sex with you while you were sleeping was inappropriate and a bit immature. However, as was previously posted, other women might respond to that type of effort in a positive manner. Obviously, your past should have been a clue to him that greater care should have been taken to make sure that you wanted his advances.
> In an effort to better understand the situation, can you provide a little more detail. You said that your husband begs for sex every time you see each other or talk and he wants to know when you are getting off your period because he wants "booty". In a young, newly married couple, I really don't find this too terribly odd. How often do you have sex with your husband? If you have sex with him several times a week, I could likely understand your frustration. If it is only once every few months, that's another story. Either way, I agree with others that counseling is a good idea.


We have sex about 3-4 times a week, unless I'm menstruating. Then we don't have sex because I have endometriosis. It causes a lot of problems with pain.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

gamer said:


> I'm 22 and my husband is 25. We've been married for a year and a half. Back in April he had attempted to have sex with me whilst I was asleep and actually penetrated me. I've felt hurt and turned off from him since then. Every time we speak or see eachother he pushes me to have sex. He says things like "Are you almost done with your period yet? I want booty." He does it every day, multiple times. Any time we do have sex he always asks to go another round.
> 
> Sex for me isn't really enjoyable. I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice.
> 
> I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


I am very, very sorry to read what's happened to you. Each of those singular incidents alone are terrible, but to have them happen multiple times is horrendous beyond belief.

This will potentially sound harsh, but you two are not ready to be married. You are very young, and so of course your husband is likely to want sex constantly; that's a typical sex drive for a man in his 20's. But he is not mature, and sensitive, enough to see that your painful ordeals make his constant requests for sex, and unrequested penetrations during sleep, potentially detrimental to your well being. This man is not ready to be a husband to you.

On the other hand you shouldn't be married, to him, or anyone, right now. Unless you seek out a husband who does not want sex, which would be a rare find, you are not ready to be a wife. A wife should be of sound enough mind to be involved in a mutually beneficial sexual relationship. You admit, due to your traumatic sexual history, to not finding sex enjoyable, and say flat out that you are not sexually attracted to your husband. These are enormous problems for a healthy marriage. You are not ready to be a wife.

The two of your likely got married because you love one another. Unfortunately marriage is about more than love. 

While you are young, it might be best to end this. There is no shame in admitting that you made a major, life altering decision that you are not emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually ready for. Your unfortunate history suggests that you need to spend A LOT of time alone, without the pressures of married life, in therapy and counseling. Get yourself healthy before worrying about being somebody's wife.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

coupdegrace said:


> ...and let's not tiptoe around the other issue here, and that's rape. Non-consensual sex is rape, and your husband is a prick for doing it, and drunk is not an excuse.


We need to be very, very careful about throwing that word around. What is rape in one marriage might be totally allowable in another.

My wife and I are allowed to touch each other sexually in our sleep. I have woken up to blow jobs before, and I have done sexual things to her in her sleep. We would never, ever call it rape. And I know other couples have this open door policy as well.

It all depends the couple, and what they decide their boundaries are.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Your past in traumatic indeed. I am sorry these things happen to you. I support you 100% with the way you are reacting to your husbands behavior. 

When I was in my 20s I was horny, but I had a sensitivity and respect for my spouse. Your husband sounds like he has no respect for you. Penetrating someone when there sleeping, WTF??? I never heard of that craziness. That is down right low and below animals, people don't distress other people while there sleeping it is unhealthy and not romanitc or sexual at all. Is he retarded or handicap or mentally challenged? That would explain why he would penetrate when someone is sleeping, wow seriuosly that is digusting. Whoever thinks otherwise are fcvking crazy. If you spouse is ok with it great, but it is abnormal. 

Just talk to your hubby and help him understand how inappropriate it is to try to have sex with someone while there sleeping, your not just a HOLE to be fcvked!!!! Your a woman and you want to be intimate and romantic with your husband, not just lie there like a piece of meat, which is what it sounds like here. 

You do however have to get over the attraction issue, how the hell are you not attracted to your own husband? Divorce him if that is the case and let him go have sex until his heart contents.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Within a year or two of getting married, we had this experience: 

My wife likes to be put to sleep by me massaging her - anywhere. 

When she's tired, she'll fall asleep, even if it's mildly sexual stimulation. One night we were lying snuggled up and I was aroused, but she was tired so I just lay there snuggled up and massaging, touching, feeling... and out of the blue I suddenly ejaculated - a rare event that's happened perhaps 2 or 3 times in my life. I didn't really realize she was asleep, but it woke her up and she jumped out of bed, started screaming and shoving me away. Things like "don't touch me, go away, I hate you" and so on. 

After about 5-10 minutes she began to calm down and eventually related that sometime in her not so distant past, someone had come into her room and ejaculated on her while she was sleeping. A relative, I think (adult male). 

Yeah... trauma. She did talk to someone about it, but even to this day has had a small level of reaction to things that trigger this. 

While your husband has exhibited a problem with boundaries, he can learn the proper ones, and I'm quite sure that it will take ONE time and that will be it. 

On the other hand, you being violated will take a lot of time and dealing with it to stop being set off. You need to work out the problem with him to both your satisfaction... And definitely need to find some help and get closure to the trauma in your past.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> Within a year or two of getting married, we had this experience:
> 
> My wife likes to be put to sleep by me massaging her - anywhere.
> 
> ...


I can understand this happening. I bet if you knew she fell asleep you would of probably went and just masturbated.

Why can't your husband masturbate GAMER? tell him to masturbate to help with the relief if you can't relief him 3 times a day.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Samus said:


> Your past in traumatic indeed. I am sorry these things happen to you. I support you 100% with the way you are reacting to your husbands behavior.
> 
> *When I was in my 20s I was horny, but I had a sensitivity and respect for my spouse. Your husband sounds like he has no respect for you. Penetrating someone when there sleeping, WTF??? I never heard of that craziness. That is down right low and below animals, people don't distress other people while there sleeping it is unhealthy and not romanitc or sexual at all. Is he retarded or handicap or mentally challenged? That would explain why he would penetrate when someone is sleeping, wow seriuosly that is digusting. Whoever thinks otherwise are fcvking crazy. If you spouse is ok with it great, but it is abnormal. *
> 
> ...


That's a pretty harsh statement. It really depends on the couple and how open and receptive they are. Not all women like it, neither side is right, wrong,nor disgusting.... 

In this situation it was very wrong, given that her husband knew how she felt about sex in general.

OP, I'm sorry for the traumas you have been through, and I hope you continue therapy. You have to believe that you can overcome this.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Samus said:


> When I was in my 20s I was horny, but I had a sensitivity and respect for my spouse. Your husband sounds like he has no respect for you. Penetrating someone when there sleeping, WTF??? I never heard of that craziness. That is down right low and below animals, people don't distress other people while there sleeping it is unhealthy and not romanitc or sexual at all. Is he retarded or handicap or mentally challenged? That would explain why he would penetrate when someone is sleeping, wow seriuosly that is digusting. Whoever thinks otherwise are fcvking crazy.



I guess my wife and me are disgusting, fvcking crazy, unhealthy, "retarded", sub-animal low lifes. Because we sure do both feel comfortable engaging in sexual acts with one another during sex.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

^^ right. Between this thread and one from yesterday, I'm afraid to admit Some of the things I think and do with my H and vice versa


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I guess my wife and me are disgusting, fvcking crazy, unhealthy, "retarded", sub-animal low lifes. Because we sure do both feel comfortable engaging in sexual acts with one another during sex.


If your having sex with your wife while she is sleeping and she does not have the opportunity to please you back and lies there like a piece of meat then yes I find you disgusting, crazy and retarded. Sorry if you think it is normal to have sex with a corpse. 

Sleeping people are not advertising come have sex with me. Give me a break, no matter which way you hash it is completly wrong to screw someone while they are sleeping. Unless you wake them up. 

I can't believe some of you are trying to justify how right it is to bang a sleeping person, wow. Your not engaging in sexual acts, because your sleeping partner is not engaging at all, don't try to twist my word!! How is a sleeping person engaging?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Um well usually they wake up and join the action...


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> Um well usually they wake up and join the action...


That is not what this story was about. This issue is that she was sleeping, not half asleep, not just falling asleep, she was sleeping and the husband was trying to penetrate while she was sleeping and it woke her up and she didn't find that atractive. The women that do find that attractive are few and far between my friend, and good for you that your wife is, but I wouldn't care if my wife was or not as it is ABNORMAL!!

How selfish is thee, to want to penetrate your wife while she is actually sleeping. Never heard of masturbation? Are men that selfish they can't self please themselves instead of waking or penetrating their wife while there sleeping? Have some compassion and sympathy. 

If your wife is ok with it, then good, but I am not talking about your wife, or jaquen's wife, I am talking about this scenario.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TrustInUs said:


> ^^ right. Between this thread and one from yesterday, I'm afraid to admit Some of the things I think and do with my H and vice versa


Are you talking about the 'fingers' post.

You and your husband are ok with the things you two do with each other... right?

In the 'fingers' thread yestersday his wife does not allow him to touch her sexually. She when she is asleep he has penetrated her with his fingers.

Surely you can see the difference between a couple agreeing that certain behavior is aceptable and another couple have one partner with a stated do not touch policy.

I'm in the it's ok for my husband to wake me up having sex with me... I like it as an occassional surprise. But our relationship developed such that we formed an agreement that it was ok to do this to each other.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Samus said:


> If your having sex with your wife while she is sleeping and she does not have the opportunity to please you back and lies there like a piece of meat ... Sorry if you think it is normal to have sex with a corpse.
> 
> Sleeping people are not advertising come have sex with me. Give me a break, no matter which way you hash it is completly wrong to screw someone while they are sleeping. Unless you wake them up.
> 
> I can't believe some of you are trying to justify how right it is to bang a sleeping person, wow. Your not engaging in sexual acts, because your sleeping partner is not engaging at all, don't try to twist my word!! How is a sleeping person engaging?


If you start engaging sexually with a sleeping person, unless you're doing it all wrong, they tend to wake up and join you.

I once woke up to my wife riding me. Trust me when I say, if that was disgusting, violating, and wrong, then I damn sure don't want her to be right.

:smthumbup:



Samus said:


> then yes I find you disgusting, crazy and retarded.


Oh ******. How will we ever learn to live with your disgust? I guess we'll find some kind of way to shepherd on.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> If you start engaging sexually with a sleeping person, unless you're doing it all wrong, they tend to wake up and join you.
> 
> I once woke up to my wife riding me. Trust me when I say, if that was disgusting, violating, and wrong, then I damn sure don't want her to be right.
> 
> :smthumbup:


All I gotta say to this is LOL. Great for you. If my wife did that to me, I wouldn't be giving her a hard time, because I am a man. Most women though don't appreciate or want to be bothered when there sleeping. Have I waking my wife for sex, of course, but to penetrate while sleeping, no I just can't bring myself to do it, because it is honestly inappropriate. She is sleeping for god sakes LOL. She has to work in the morning, she is tired. 

Do you know your wife's state of mind when you are trying to penetrate her? She could be tired, she could of had a hard day at work, alot of things and for you to go penetrate her, she might not be in the mood. It just opens up to many unknowns and perhaps unwanted reactions, that is not necessary. Keep it your pants Hubby or jerk off.

Ok, perhaps disgust was the wrong word. Sorry I didn't mean disgusting, nothing is digusting between husband and wife, but referring to this story, it is digusting, not you jaquen or trust.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Samus said:


> That is not what this story was about. This issue is that she was sleeping, not half asleep, not just falling asleep, she was sleeping and the husband was trying to penetrate while she was sleeping and it woke her up and she didn't find that atractive. The women that do find that attractive are few and far between my friend, and good for you that your wife is, but I wouldn't care if my wife was or not as it is ABNORMAL!!
> 
> How selfish is thee, to want to penetrate your wife while she is actually sleeping. Never heard of masturbation? Are men that selfish they can't self please themselves instead of waking or penetrating their wife while there sleeping? Have some compassion and sympathy.
> 
> If your wife is ok with it, then good, but I am not talking about your wife, or jaquen's wife, I am talking about this scenario.


See while I don't mind it and have even always enjoyed it because I wake up and join in..... the OP is absolutely in her right to not want this. An in her case, with having sex forced on her so much in the past it makes sense that she would freak about even her husband do that while she is sleeping.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Are you talking about the 'fingers' post.
> 
> You and your husband are ok with the things you two do with each other... right?
> 
> ...


Not to HJ... I surely do understand, and that's why even in that thread I made it clear in my posts that not all liked it. But given the overall tone of that post I did not express *my*
like for it. Granted not to the extent that OP in that thread did.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Samus said:


> Do you know your wife's state of mind when you are trying to penetrate her? She could be tired, she could of had a hard day at work, alot of things and for you to go penetrate her, she might not be in the mood.


My wife's state of mind is almost always set to "I'm ready for sex".

If I wake her up with fondling, or attempts to penetrate, and she says she's tired, I'll stop. Sometimes she's too tired to reciprocate, but she'll tell me to go ahead and do what I want to do. I don't take her up on those offers because I'm actually not interested in unreciprocated sex. But she never feels violated. Her state of mind is never "don't touch me", not unless it's the first three days of her period, during which I would not try.

I know, and have acknowledged, that the OP is in a totally different situation. I simply want to remind people that just because an action might be a violation in one relationship does NOT mean it's a universal violation in all relationships. Some of the posts, including yours, began to talk about this topic as if everyone should find it disgusting, everyone should look at it as rape, and a violation. That needed correcting from those of us in marriages where this behavior is welcome.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

coupdegrace said:


> ...and let's not tiptoe around the other issue here, and that's rape.


Interesting observation and my first inclination was to disagree because implied consent and implied refusal are juxtaposed in marriage.

(e.g. Walking up behind a total stranger in public and giving them a big hug is assault because contact between strangers is understood as refused in the absence of explicit consent, whereas walking up behind your wife (Or husband) in public and giving them a big hug is not assault because contact between spouses is understood as accepted in the absence of explicit refusal.)


--Turns out though that sexual contact with a spouse who is unable to refuse can meet the legal definition (Bergen, 1996)


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Samus said:


> That is not what this story was about. This issue is that she was sleeping, not half asleep, not just falling asleep, she was sleeping and the husband was trying to penetrate while she was sleeping and it woke her up and she didn't find that atractive. The women that do find that attractive are few and far between my friend, and good for you that your wife is, but I wouldn't care if my wife was or not as it is ABNORMAL!!
> 
> How selfish is thee, to want to penetrate your wife while she is actually sleeping. Never heard of masturbation? Are men that selfish they can't self please themselves instead of waking or penetrating their wife while there sleeping? Have some compassion and sympathy.
> 
> *If your wife is ok with it, then good, but I am not talking about your wife, or jaquen's wife, I am talking about this scenario.*




I *am* the wife in my marriage. Your post came off as degrading to others who enjoyed it, whether you do or not. Nobody in this thread felt like it was ok for the OP in her situation.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> My wife's state of mind is almost always set to "I'm ready for sex".
> 
> If I wake her up with fondling, or attempts to penetrate, and she says she's tired, I'll stop. Sometimes she's too tired to reciprocate, but she'll tell me to go ahead and do what I want to do. I don't take her up on those offers because I'm actually not interested in unreciprocated sex. But she never feels violated. Her state of mind is never "don't touch me", not unless it's the first three days of her period, during which I would not try.
> 
> I know, and have acknowledged, that the OP is in a totally different situation. I simply want to remind people that just because an action might be a violation in one relationship does NOT mean it's a universal violation in all relationships. Some of the posts, including yours, began to talk about this topic as if everyone should find it disgusting, everyone should look at it as rape, and a violation. That needed correcting from those of us in marriages where this behavior is welcome.


J - Like I said I don't have a problem with your setup. I am glad your wife is able to reciprocate majority of the time and that is great. My disgust and attitude towards pentrating someone while they are sleeping (talking about man to woman, not vice versa) is not the norm. 

I would be glad if I woke up to my wife sucking, riding whatever else to me. I am a man, I am different. Women are a different breed and expect things differently. Surely you understand that women and men don't agree on the same sexual approaches? Yes there is the exception and rarity of your marriage, but the majority is sex during sleep is not a big topic and not a norm. 

Either way, I am not judging you or blasting you, I am more so directing my disgust to GAMER'S situation.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> [/B]
> 
> I *am* the wife in my marriage. Your post came off as degrading to others who enjoyed it, whether you do or not. Nobody in this thread felt like it was ok for the OP in her situation.


I reread my first post and I agree it did come accross as vague and could be misconstrued to focus on everyone and not just this particular situation. When I say people that think it is acceptable to penetrate there wife while they are sleeping I am talking about the normal typical marriage where you don't have sex with a sleeping person. If you and your husband has an agreement, then this statement doesn't refer to you and should be ignored. 

Although I could of been more specific and said that if there is an acception to this in your marriage this statement doesn't refer to you.

And either way we can go back and forth all day on what is acceptable and not acceptable in a marriage. If both spouses agree then it is fine, but keep in mind that I don't know your situation and most marriages, it is not typical to penetrate your wife or ride your husband while they are sleeping. I know they might wake up and continue, but it is rather selfish and incosiderate to just start having sex with someone when they are not available mentally, only to startle them into waking having sex. If you and your husband is ok with that then great, like I said, but it is not what I expect as normal. Now you can say who am I to say what is normal and what is not. There are certain ways people act and behave in this society and also privately in there bedrooms believe it or not. Anything does go in the bedroom when your awake, but sleeping, typically its sleeping. 

You don't go to a restaurant and decide to have sex on the table do you? It's just not typical or appropriate in regards to consideration, or manners. 

What you do with your husband/wife in the privacy of your bedroom is fine, but trying to have sex with someone while sleeping does'nt seem appropriate or honestly fun, there sleeping. Good for you for not waking up groggy, disarrayed, blurred, confused, irritated, not in the mood and any other negatives that come with a sleeping person being violated when they aren't aware.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I understand but I guess where the lines cross for me is the "having sex with a sleeping person" for me personally, being awakened and aroused by husband means he is not having sex with a sleeping person. Now I have never been fully penetrated while sleep either, but if that were possible I wouldn't mind.nwhen this does occur, neither my husband or myself consider us having sex with a sleeping person. I believe we are pretty normal...


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> I understand but I guess where the lines cross for me is the "having sex with a sleeping person" for me personally, being awakened and aroused by husband means he is not having sex with a sleeping person. Now I have never been fully penetrated while sleep either, but if that were possible I wouldn't mind.nwhen this does occur, neither my husband or myself consider us having sex with a sleeping person. I believe we are pretty normal...


All I am saying is why wake up your wife or husband just to have sex? Why can't one masturbate? I know you don't mind and I know its ok if your husband wakes you up, but eventually these types of things leads to annoyances eventually. Not saying right now it will, but it leaves room for that. 

Some of those annoyances could be, incosideration, disrespect for your sleeping time, you know what I mean. It can just cause friction in a marriage eventually and those are things that might come into an argument.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Ok I see your point of view but that's where we differ. I rather my husband come to me instead of masturbating when I'm right there. Those are the dynamics of our marriage. First I enjoy it, and second you seem to be under the impression happens all the time, which it doesn't. We both respect each other and each other's needs. So for us, its okay and understood.

ETA. Some of our best sessions have occurred in the middle of the night/early morning, so I guess it's all in how you perceive it.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

TrustInUs said:


> Ok I see your point of view but that's where we differ. I rather my husband come to me instead of masturbating when I'm right there. Those are the dynamics of our marriage. First I enjoy it, and second you seem to be under the impression happens all the time, which it doesn't. We both respect each other and each other's needs. So for us, its okay and understood.


Cool, don't get me wrong I enjoy that if my wife was into it. Either way, back to Gamer's issue, I am hopeful that she works things out with her husband. 

Please take some time to talk to him and explain certain boundaries within your marriage. If you prefer him to not penetrate or have sex with you while you are sleeping, or give you some free time from having sex non-stop, talk to him, but don't make him feel unwanted. Explain to him that your ok with him masturbating in the time where you don't want to have sex. 

There have been times my wife didn't want to have sex, given any reasons, kids, work, stress, life, you know and I am ok with that. Do I get sad, grumpy, sometimes, but I get over it, because its my wife and I love her and I know we will be fine. We are mature about it. 

Just because your a young couple doesn't mean you can't talk and set boundaries. Try.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Samus said:


> All I am saying is why wake up your wife or husband just to have sex?


Why not wake up your wife?

This is hard for you to grasp because you don't do it. But in marriages where this kind of behavior is accepted, and even encouraged, there is no problem whatsoever.

It's all a matter of perspective.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

gamer said:


> *Sex for me isn't really enjoyable.* I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice.
> 
> *I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all,* even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


I consider the *bolded* to be big red flags right up there with what your husband tried to do to you while sleeping.

Yes your husband definitely needs to address that poor behavior and learn to respect your boundaries, but understand something: no young man ever enters marriage to in order to have little to no sex by his standards. Consequently if you value your marriage, you will need to meet him somewhere between his drive and yours. You have as much work to do as he does. Maybe more... Good luck.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why not wake up your wife?
> 
> This is hard for you to grasp because you don't do it. But in marriages where this kind of behavior is accepted, and even encouraged, there is no problem whatsoever.
> 
> It's all a matter of perspective.


I guess your right. I just asked my wife:

Me: would you get mad if I woke you up for sex? like I was messing with your pvssy?

Her response: hmmmm that REALLY depends....
if u knew i had a bad headache or was in pain, then yes..... or if i was on my period otherwise no

LOL, I didn't know. :lol::lol::lol:

One thing I didn't mention I was married before and my first wife was very bad at sex and didn't want sex and definetly got mad if I got intimate with her while she was going to sleep, or asleep. This wife is great and loving. So perhaps the previous marriage has skewed my thoughts in regards to sex. Sorry if I disrespected anyone, It is defintely taboo to me to wake someone up for sex or try to arouse them while there sleeping. We Learn, WE move on and we enjoy


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

That many sexual traumas seems odd to me. Not saying it didn't happen but after the childhood traumas wouldnt you know better than to put yourself in a rape situation as an adult? Not only that but it happened twice in adulthood? I dunno... just strange. Anyway... my guess is the sleeping sex thing triggered something for you that your hubs didn't intend. My hubs has woken me from a dead sleep to get busy. I've woken him from a dead sleep for some weenier. But maybe yall are normal and we are weird. It just doesn't seem like a big deal to me... id talk to someone... it might help with your triggers or sensitivity. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Samus said:


> We Learn, WE move on and we enjoy



Man, I LOVE that. Great quote.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> That many sexual traumas seems odd to me. Not saying it didn't happen but after the childhood traumas wouldnt you know better than to put yourself in a rape situation as an adult? Not only that but it happened twice in adulthood? I dunno... just strange.


Not really. A surprising amount of sexual assault victims, especially those who are raped as children, are re-victimized. It unfortunately is not at all strange, or uncommon.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

gamer said:


> I'm 22 and my husband is 25. We've been married for a year and a half. Back in April he had attempted to have sex with me whilst I was asleep and actually penetrated me. I've felt hurt and turned off from him since then. Every time we speak or see eachother he pushes me to have sex. He says things like "Are you almost done with your period yet? I want booty." He does it every day, multiple times. Any time we do have sex he always asks to go another round.
> 
> Sex for me isn't really enjoyable. I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice.
> 
> I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


This is what I did to help me, I dont know if it will work for you or not, but it worked for me-go to counseling. 

When I went to counseling to deal with being molested as a child, my counselor explained to me that what my husband desired was a healthy sex life with his wife. A healthy sex life is something I had never had. Before we were married, we copulated like rabbits and I felt SAFE with him but then something happened and it flipped this switch in my head, and I no longer felt safe. I think your switch was flipped to 'non-safe' when he penetrated you while you were sleeping. 

What my counselor said was I needed to explain to my husband that I needed him to stop asking for sex all the time. In doing so, it made sex a duty and not a desire. I needed him to tell me when he wanted it and give me time and to help me to build up the desire. This is how it is for the majority of women, but even more so for women who have been molested/raped due to trust issues. 

I think what was going through my husbands head at the time was that I was never going to want sex again, so he was in panic mode...which caused him to desire sex more, thus why he was asking all the time. Once we tried what the counselor said, eventually it all worked out. 

Another thing that was vital for us is communication. Tell him what triggers you. If him touching you at night triggers you, then it should be off limits. Once you establish/re-establish the trust with your husband and you feel safe with him, work on being intimate in other ways besides sex first like touching, talking, stroking, holding each other, doing fun things together. 
Doing this resets your relationship, you are going to back into dating mode basically, then when you feel ready, you can advance to sex, but YOU need to be the one to initiate after he tells you that he desires sex. The counselor explained to me that this was due to the need to control when to have sex. This control was taken away from you at one time (being molested) which is most likely why his penetrating you while you were sleeping turned you to the off mode.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

gamer said:


> I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


He has a normal sex drive for being 25, I sure hope no one tries to convince him he's acting too male.


Why did you get married?
Do you masturbate when you're alone?

T


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Sounds like a communication issue.

My girlfriend told me to go ahead and f-uck her whenever I want, if she's asleep she'll just get into it as she wakes up.

Maybe your husband has done this before and just assumed it was ok. If you haven't told him about your past then how's he going to know?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Gamer 
Sounds like you love your husband and that you two have had a mutually supportive relationship out side of the sex issues? Is that right? 

Would you say that you have been good friends? I think the problems that you both are having now are not so much that your husband wants sex all the time.

It seems to be the combination of your problems along with your husbands problems. Believe it or not, his level of sexual desire is in the normal range, not particularly high and certainly not low. Also, he feels your love through your sexual attraction to him. 

So his desire for you is a good thing - he needs to feel as loved by you as he feels love for you. Hope that is clear. 

Your trauma has tainted your view of sex unfortunately. When a man loves a women, sex changes for him - it becomes the way he feels loved back. 

Even though you and your husband appear to have enjoyed a mutually supportive relationship, the challenges you face are very difficult. 

The only hope for the marriage is to get MC and IC and to have lots of support from family and friends. How many of those do you have in place now? 

Take it slowly and digest what you have read here. Make a decision based on what is best for you and your husband. 

You two may be better able to grow emotionally when you are apart. You can each focus on your own problems without worrying about who is at fault.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Tell him that you are comfortable with doing it 2 or 3 times a week, anymore than that is NOT good for you. See what he says to this. 

If he respects you he will attempt to adhere to this. And don't take any guff from him about men his age needing it every day. There are many single guys out there, guys who are not in a relationships who don't get it much at all,, so men do not NEED to have sex daily. Some may want it, but wanting and needing it are two different things. 

His pestering you is going to spoil the marriage, set some boundaries NOW. A lack of boundaries allows us to be pushed and badgered. Tell him straight how often you feel that YOU want sex. You are a human being and you get a say too.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Your past experiences affects your sex life now. You do have already a fear when it comes on sex.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

sinnister-is right.
[When we met I was pressing charges against 6 men who raped me]

It take some women years to get over these HORRIFIC events and going through what she has been through a numnber of times plus getting married right after another HORRIFIC event was not a good choice [sorry].

Nobody is blaming the victim [Catherine602]as you,we are saying the marraige should have waited.

I am sure the new Husband has no idea how to be suppotive and he might be saying he is going to counseling and not going because its also tearing him apart inside also and he is hiding from the HORRIFIC events that happened to his wife.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Seeking any kind of psychological help in the military is a career killer. Unfortunate, wrong, immoral, but a fact. If they are going to go it must be outside the free government controlled health care system that is excellent for active duty personnel and their families. We all know what VA is like.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

gamer said:


> Sex for me isn't really enjoyable. I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice.


Were you raped while married? Were the two gang rapes two different group of men?

You obviously need to talk with a professional. If what you say here is true, there's no way possible that you aren't affected by the multiple sexual violations you experienced in your life.

My earlier question, about masturbation, was to establish whether it's just sex with a person that's not enjoyable, or if even masturbation is not enjoyable.

T


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Why not wake up your wife?
> 
> This is hard for you to grasp because you don't do it. But in marriages where this kind of behavior is accepted, and even encouraged, there is no problem whatsoever.
> 
> It's all a matter of perspective.


After reading most of the comments, I'm not sure if I disagree or agree with the whole penetrating a woman while she sleeps. In the Op's situation, he knew she had been molested and raped twice. What the hell was he thinking? that she is just some sexual object to be used and abused? the situation makes me angry, he is very immature, and selfish in my opinion. OP, don't feel guilty for saying no, but, you need to adress the rapes etc. with a counselor, and progress to having a healthy sex life.

Ok, so the penetrating your wife while she sleeps with the "average" couple can be ok if both parties have discussed it, and she's ok with having her husband's penis inside her as she's sleeping, I'm thinking it can't be all that comfortable without some foreplay, but hey, who knows. I enjoy it when my partner wakes me up by fondling, massaging, etc. Then I have the choice as to whether I want to carry on, or that we keep it to just that. I would not appreciate a penis in me just off the bat, it just seems so thoughtless or a bit selfish.

different strokes for different folks.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

working_together said:


> Ok, so the penetrating your wife while she sleeps with the "average" couple can be ok if both parties have discussed it, and she's ok with having her husband's penis inside her as she's sleeping, I'm thinking it can't be all that comfortable without some foreplay, but hey, who knows. ... Then I have the choice as to whether I want to carry on, or that we keep it to just that. I would not appreciate a penis in me just off the bat, it just seems so thoughtless or a bit selfish.
> 
> different strokes for different folks.


It can't really be "thoughtless" or "a bit selfish" if the person sleeping (because we are talking about both parties here) is welcoming of the idea.

I read some of the antagonistic responses to my wife last night, and she laughed and said people on this board sound ridiculous to her. She never feels violated, and therefore all the objection doesn't compute to her.



working_together said:


> I enjoy it when my partner wakes me up by fondling, massaging, etc.


This is definitely more along the lines I'm referring to when it comes to my marriage. I'm not mounting my wife in the night, having sex with a sleeping, near lifeless body, and rolling back over. 

While she wouldn't consider that a violation, that sounds too creepy for my tastes.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> After reading most of the comments, I'm not sure if I disagree or agree with the whole penetrating a woman while she sleeps. In the Op's situation, he knew she had been molested and raped twice. What the hell was he thinking? that she is just some sexual object to be used and abused?


How about that she was his wife and she might like to be woken up that way?

Thoughtlessness or a momentary lapse of sensitivity is not a crime. I'm betting that (though a perfectly wonderful person) that every single one of us including Gamer and Working Together have been thoughtless and insensitive.

He was wrong. She said no. He stopped. Unfortunately, it triggered her.

Now she resents ANY sex and doesn't seem to be that forgiving of his lapse.

One day he'll stop begging for sex. Do you think that will make things better? There are tons of women posters here who would love anything they could get (Men too).

So I would consider some therapy for you, and a frank convesation about boundaries with him.

You say you love him. Love includes forgiveness.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Samus said:


> Your past in traumatic indeed. I am sorry these things happen to you. I support you 100% with the way you are reacting to your husbands behavior.
> 
> When I was in my 20s I was horny, but I had a sensitivity and respect for my spouse. Your husband sounds like he has no respect for you. Penetrating someone when there sleeping, WTF??? I never heard of that craziness. That is down right low and below animals, people don't distress other people while there sleeping it is unhealthy and not romanitc or sexual at all. Is he retarded or handicap or mentally challenged? That would explain why he would penetrate when someone is sleeping, wow seriuosly that is digusting. Whoever thinks otherwise are fcvking crazy. If you spouse is ok with it great, but it is abnormal.


It's not "abnormal". Maybe it's not for everyone, but just because YOU wouldn't do it doesn't mean that the entirety of the human race has to make their choices on what would or wouldn't make YOU uncomfortable. 

Now, her husband was certainly insensitive and immature. Based on her past, which was likely incredibly traumatic, it was stupid of him to even think such a thing wouldn't hurt her emotionally. She already struggles with thinking sex isn't enjoyable and finding him unattractive...taking her in her sleep is only adding fuel to an already blazing fire. 

But in a marriage where there is mutual trust and respect, waking your spouse up with a sexual surprise can be awesome. My husband loves his sleep. He wakes up extremely early for work, and doesn't like to go to bed later then nine thirty. One time I'd had a rather...sensual dream and woke up very, very turned on. In a moment he woke up to a BJ and we had some of the greatest sex we've ever had, and he didn't care that he got almost no sleep. 

It depends on the couple, and it's really, really shallow to imply that such a thing is abnormal, or below animals.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Samus said:


> That is not what this story was about. This issue is that she was sleeping, not half asleep, not just falling asleep, she was sleeping and the husband was trying to penetrate while she was sleeping and it woke her up and she didn't find that atractive. The women that do find that attractive are few and far between my friend, and good for you that your wife is, but I wouldn't care if my wife was or not as it is ABNORMAL!!


Okay, let's calm down. You're the one calling people here abnormal and retarded, so don't get upset just because we don't buy it. We have ALL said that it was wrong of him to do in this situation. And, if ever something like this was tried in a relationship and either spouse didn't like it, then it shouldn't be tried again. I don't think anyone disagrees that there are couples with traumatic pasts, and couples without traumatic pasts, who wouldn't enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night to something sexual. 

However, there are plenty who would. There are times when my husband has woken me up and I've said no. He's respected that and stopped. And then there have been times when he's been playful and teasing and, even though I was tired, it was incredibly sexy and we went for it. Each situation is different, each couple is different. My husband, if he's really horny and it's late and I'm not into it, he'll touch me intimately and masturbate. *shurg* Sometimes I fall asleep, sometimes I'm awake. I don't feel "like a piece of meat". I feel happy that he's able to satisfy himself with me, even if I'm not doing anything. 

So, you can think what you like about this. No one is trying to make you change your mind. But don't call us names just because we're different. No one here has said you're abnormal or retarded for not agreeing with us, so please, be respectful and give us the same courtesy.



> How selfish is thee, to want to penetrate your wife while she is actually sleeping. Never heard of masturbation? Are men that selfish they can't self please themselves instead of waking or penetrating their wife while there sleeping? Have some compassion and sympathy.


You're assuming that the wife wouldn't enjoy it. Some of us actually DO. I enjoy the thought that, even when my husband is dead tired, he can be so turned on by me that he would rather go without sleep trying to physically please me. That makes me feel special, wanted, desirable. 

Also, what about the women who wake their husbands with a sexual action? Are we also retarded and abnormal?



> If your wife is ok with it, then good, but I am not talking about your wife, or jaquen's wife, I am talking about this scenario.


And we have ALL said that in this scenario it was WRONG for him to penetrate her. Honestly, have you read what has been written, or are you just skimming and being argumentative? Go back and read each post and you will see that NO ONE has said that what her husband did was okay. We have said that, in OUR marriages it would have been welcome, but we have added that because of her history it was insensitive and wrong and selfish of him to do so.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Samus said:


> All I gotta say to this is LOL. Great for you. If my wife did that to me, I wouldn't be giving her a hard time, because I am a man. Most women though don't appreciate or want to be bothered when there sleeping. Have I waking my wife for sex, of course, but to penetrate while sleeping, no I just can't bring myself to do it, because it is honestly inappropriate. She is sleeping for god sakes LOL. She has to work in the morning, she is tired.
> 
> Do you know your wife's state of mind when you are trying to penetrate her? She could be tired, she could of had a hard day at work, alot of things and for you to go penetrate her, she might not be in the mood. It just opens up to many unknowns and perhaps unwanted reactions, that is not necessary. Keep it your pants Hubby or jerk off.


You know, us wives really do have the self-confidence to say..."No" if we don't want to have sex. Some of us find that uncontainable desire intoxicating. And yeah, if we're really tired and we wake up to some penetration, we can turn over and say, "Not now." and go back to sleep. 



> Ok, perhaps disgust was the wrong word. Sorry I didn't mean disgusting, nothing is digusting between husband and wife, but referring to this story, it is digusting, not you jaquen or trust.


And again, no one has said that her husband was right for doing that. Try reading more closely next time.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Why not wake up your wife?
> 
> This is hard for you to grasp because you don't do it. But in marriages where this kind of behavior is accepted, and even encouraged, there is no problem whatsoever.
> 
> It's all a matter of perspective.


I'd rather be woken up than find out he spends more time masturbating alone, than having sex with me.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

JCD said:


> How about that she was his wife and she might like to be woken up that way?
> 
> Thoughtlessness or a momentary lapse of sensitivity is not a crime. I'm betting that (though a perfectly wonderful person) that every single one of us including Gamer and Working Together have been thoughtless and insensitive.
> 
> ...


I agree. 

Gamer: no one's spouse is perfect. Every marriage is going to have issues. There have been times when I have been fuming with my husband, and didn't "feel" sexually attracted to him either. What we all have to realize at some point or other, is that love is a choice...not a feeling. Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. And sexual attraction is also a choice, not always a feeling. 

One thing that definitely needs to happen here is effective communication between the two of you. He needs to know just how serious these traumatic events were, and that even though you love him, it does NOT mean that there won't be negative effects from these situations on your marriage. He also needs to know that you're not blaming him for what other men have done to you. I have had trust issues with my husband before. Not on sexual matters, but emotional ones. I tend to not believe him when he says he's going to get things done, and he can sense that. So, he doesn't try as hard. 

Your husband needs to hear you set some very specific boundaries. Having sex 3-4 times a week is quite a lot, so he shouldn't be "begging" for sex. He's by no means starved of sexual attention. He also needs to realize that you need time to heal emotionally, and this pressure to get sex from you is not helping. Your experiences have been negative thus far, and he hasn't helped with his insensitivity. 

If he won't go to marriage counciling, then you need to see a councilor for yourself. You can't change him, but you can change yourself. Getting beyond the pain and baggage from the multiple rapes, and forgiving your husband and letting go of your resentment for him, would likely greatly increase the atmosphere of your marriage. But he also needs to know that a marriage takes two people. He needs to support you through this. He vowed that he would on your wedding day.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The issue is the lack of consent I think. There is nothing abnormal about waking one's partner up with penetration. 

I think it is invasive and rather risky not to ask first though. It just takes 5 seconds to ask and avoid any negative feelings. 

Gamer, I don't think your husband did the deed with the intention of upsetting you. You are both so young that you are still learning but, it is on the job learning so to speak. You'll make mistakes. 

I suggest you assume his intentions were benign. As many other posters have suggested, take this as an opportunity for explicit communication about what you need from him, then work on forgiving him. 

That will help both of you to hone your communication skills. As I said earlier, I think you need professional help to manage this.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

JCD said:


> How about that she was his wife and she might like to be woken up that way?
> 
> Thoughtlessness or a momentary lapse of sensitivity is not a crime. I'm betting that (though a perfectly wonderful person) that every single one of us including Gamer and Working Together have been thoughtless and insensitive.
> 
> ...


We're not talking about the "average" couple here, I wouldn't be all that put off if it happened to me, but I'd let my partner know that I need some warming up first, not just a penis inserted in me. This is not your "average" couple, she has a history of sexual abuse, and he knows it for pete's sake, and he basically had her relieve her past experiences. Insensitive? yes, and more than that, disrespectful comes to mind.

and yes, I have been insensitive in the past, but that wasn't my point, it was that her husband didn't give a rat's ass about her, it was all about him. A couple knows what their boundaries are, and I'm pretty sure he knew that it was wrong. I think she resents sex because of her past, not necessarily because of what he did.

We all agree here that she needs help. I just don't want her to get the wrong impression from reading other people's posts about how they feel it's not a violation. Gamer is young, and can misinterpret the answers as though it's ok with most people.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

jaquen said:


> It can't really be "thoughtless" or "a bit selfish" if the person sleeping (because we are talking about both parties here) is welcoming of the idea.
> 
> I read some of the antagonistic responses to my wife last night, and she laughed and said people on this board sound ridiculous to her. She never feels violated, and therefore all the objection doesn't compute to her.
> 
> ...


I guess gamer would have to go more into details about what happened but it just sounded "creapy" to me, it;s a good way to describe it. Because of the sexual abuse in her past, I'm sure she would find it a lot more than creapy.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

He needs to learn some game
Not only is he lame, he's also abusive it seems
Pathetic really

BTW I agree with sinister, you also need help, you're not ready for this
That's some serious trauma right there, and it needs to be healed


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

working_together said:


> it was that her husband didn't give a rat's ass about her, it was all about him. A couple knows what their boundaries are, and I'm pretty sure he knew that it was wrong. I think she resents sex because of her past, not necessarily because of what he did.


Not even a RAT'S ASS, huh? Because...he kept doing it? Or did he stop?

Yup, insensitive. Yup forgetful. Yup, a bit intrusive. 

Now, which do you think is the most likely scenario.

1) "Gee...it's the middle of the night. I have a hard on. There is my marital rape victim next to me. You know...if I have sex with her, I'll probably devastate her emotionally, phyisically and wind up getting a divorce down the road. Uh oh...my woody is getting a bit limp. I need to make a decision. RAWR!"

or

2) "Gee, I have an hard on. She sure looks good. I love having sex with her. I wonder if I can sneak on into her without her waking up. I've never tried that before. Maybe she'll get into it. Never know if you don't try... RAWR!"


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You know, every time I read about how a man has to beg for sex, I have to ask the spouse: "Why does he have to beg?'

This is not a natural state for a man. So...there is some other dynamic at work.

First option is that the 3-4 times a week is BS. She THINKS it's that often, but memory plays tricks on us. "Well, LAST week was my period but this week, I'm swamped at work, and my mother came over for dinner and he was out with the boys too late so of course I couldn't give him some the next night because I was mad so we didn't do it but once THIS week and next week isn't looking too good either..."

But assume she is religiously keeping count and has no understanding about how normal a constant sex drive is in a newlywed man. It could be he's rubbing out his nut 4 times a week, but what he is actually complaining about is the Quality.

Wife: "Oh...sex...that...Yep...we're married....that has sex involved...and I said I wasn't tired earlier at dinner (RATS!)...um...(quickly checks the T.V. schedule) Did you shower? You did huh? BRUSH YOUR TEETH...oh...you did that too. CONDOM...oh... a _THREE_ pack...Okay...let me 'get ready' and you lie down in bed...(One Hour of hiding in the bathroom) Oh...still up? Okay...Let's get down to business. Start the sex...YAY..."

Her husband feels cheated somehow. Why?


Marriage is all about 'for better and for worse' but it will get worse if they don't try to get better.


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## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

Obviously some people aren't reading the entire thread. On page 2 i answered a couple of questions. 

I love my husband but the sexual part is something that I've never really had. I've never had any real sexual desire or need. 

I've BEEN going to therapy, I've gotten past the rapes and the molestation. It doesn't bother me.

What DOES bother me is that I felt violated. It may be ok to you that your spouse has sex with you while you are asleep but I do not feel that it is ok. Don't try to justify it.

Yes we actually do have sex 3-4 times per week. No I do not masturbate at all.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

gamer said:


> Obviously some people aren't reading the entire thread. On page 2 i answered a couple of questions.
> 
> I love my husband but the sexual part is something that I've never really had. I've never had any real sexual desire or need.
> 
> ...


Your absolutely right. There is no justifying what he did while you were asleep. And given your past history is a double WTF on his part.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

JCD said:


> You know, every time I read about how a man has to beg for sex, I have to ask the spouse: "Why does he have to beg?'
> 
> This is not a natural state for a man. So...there is some other dynamic at work.
> 
> ...


I'll be completely honest... I don't know how much merit this post has in this thread or not since I haven't read much of the thread. Nevertheless, this was fun as hell to read!


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

You have never really cared for sex but, you marry a person that does? You have lots of problems as you have admitted but, think he is a monster for wanting you. 
You need therapy and probably need to move to a location FAR away from the place all of your rapes and molestaions occured. It is really hard to believe all of this has happed and you continue to live in this Hell Hole.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Things i learned from this thread:

1- I'm disgusting because i sometimes fondle my partner when she is asleep
2- I've been raped several times because i didn't give explicit permission to be woken up by oral sex

OP, quite honestly you have some serious issues to handle. Your history is overbearing and is affecting your marriage. Ideally this should have been dealt with before a marriage. But now, i think you should lean on your husband. Explain him your feelings and ask him to help and be there for you. 

Sex isn't a negative thing. Sex is a way many men use to demonstrate affection within a marriage. I'm pretty sure he never intended to hurt you at all. Remember that he married you even with whole that baggage. 

You can do this or listen to the man hating portion of the population of this board and label him as an abuser and dump him, if you think you'll be better off. What you cannot do is to have all these situations affecting your marriage since it will, sooner or later, reach a breaking point.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

gamer said:


> Obviously some people aren't reading the entire thread. On page 2 i answered a couple of questions.
> 
> I love my husband but the sexual part is something that I've never really had. I've never had any real sexual desire or need.
> 
> ...



We aren't trying to justify it. What we are saying is not everyone shares your opinion. Including, it seems, your husband. This is where the communication and forgiveness things kicks in. NOW he knows. 

Okay. Why does your husband have to beg for sex?

How enthusiastic are you at the prospect?

Do you ever initiate to him?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

JCD said:


> You know, every time I read about how a man has to beg for sex, I have to ask the spouse: "Why does he have to beg?'
> 
> This is not a natural state for a man. So...there is some other dynamic at work.
> 
> ...


You are making a lot of assumptions and excusing awful abusive behaviour with assumptions. 

Sick really.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Things i learned from this thread:
> 
> 1- I'm disgusting because i sometimes fondle my partner when she is asleep
> 2- I've been raped several times because i didn't give explicit permission to be woken up by oral sex
> ...


Yes it's man hating to expect a man to be respectful. :scratchhead:

Are the men saying the same thing man haters too?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Gamer, you said you're past it, good for you. However you should know that your past will affect you regardless of whether you're conscious of it or not, and it shows. It's even worse for a man, we can't cry rape, we have to suck it up and no matter how violated and abused we feel, no one understands us.

It doesn't mean that I no longer enjoy sex, I still get horny like anyone else, but I am turned off by aggressive women. I need my control, all of this due to my childhood/molestation. As you can see - as normalised as one ends up being, these fked up experiences shape us.

You need to have a sit down with your husband and explain this to him. Have firm boundaries on what is acceptable and what is not. However, you also have to ask yourself if you are capable of giving him what he needs. A man wants to feel loved, accepted, and appreciated. When he is putting out he wants you to enjoy it and appreciate it as well. If you are putting out just to keep him happy, but not enjoying it at all, he might look elsewhere to get the validation and appreciation he needs.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> You are making a lot of assumptions and excusing awful abusive behaviour with assumptions.
> 
> Sick really.


AN opinion.

Let's break this down. 

He is either an abusive misogynist who doesn't care about how emotionally damaging it was

OR he tried something sexual for the first time with his wife that she took badly.

We have a woman who is self confessed as having no desire for sex

so she either puts little effort into sex because it's no big deal to her

OR she's an enthusiastic and wild nymph in bed who's only hang up with more frequent sex is the amount of laundry it would take.

YOU made the assumption he's abusive. 

I used her self confessed words to posit a slightly hyperbolic read on sexual enthusiasm.

Why is my assumption that she might put up a little attitude at having sex rash but your assumption that he's a proto rapist rational?

There is a LOT of room for both theories. My second assumption makes him stupid and insensitive. It could also be that he's a bit tired of the "No" girl and so he tried to see if sombulance made her more accepting. It's creepy but as we've seen SOME people like it.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Gamer: I don't think anyone is trying to justify your husbands actions. No one here thinks that what he did was appropriate, but that's not because the action itself is wrong, but because, given your past, it wasn't very considerate. He SHOULD have asked you first. Even if you're past the rape and molestation, things like this can often unearth those memories and cause more issues. He should have asked you before doing something like this.


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## SacredSex (Sep 19, 2011)

So time ago, I had a wonderful young woman I was seeing for over a year. One afternoon, we were lying about naked and I dozed of as I was extremely tired. We had plans that day and she wanted me to get up. She began teasing me in a sexual way, not enough to wake me but more than enough to cause me to become sexually aroused. She thought it would be a great surprise to have me wake up while she performed a sexual act on me. Now as far as I'm concerned she could do whatever she pleased with me so long as it felt good. So after a few moments of her performing oral sex on me she decided to mount me and began to ride my arousal in a slow and sensual manner, expecting me to awake at any moment to such a treat. Well I was apparently more tired than she thought and I wasn't coming to. She quickened her pace and although I was fully engaged still I did not awaken. She continued in earnest until she and I both climaxed, and while she said it was apparent that I fully enjoyed myself I still did not wake up. She said I was very good, which I found humorous. Afterwards she climbed off and began to feel very weird about it. She felt like she had raped me, or at least had crossed a very deviant line in her desire. She was conflicted about whether she would tell me at all. When I awoke some time later she felt she had to tell me what she had done and let the chips fall where they may. I could only hug her, as it was so sweet to me the gift she attempted to give me, and I found it very endearing that she was concerned that she may be some kind of pervert for having done it. I assured her that I had no problem with this at all, and that she had my full permission to do so again at any time in the future she should want. I was only sorry for not having awoken to enjoy it with her. It's only right or wrong if it is right or wrong to those involved. To try and paint this with a broad brush either way is ignorant.


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## gamer (Nov 27, 2012)

Ok, another problem has risen. Check thread Husband watches rape and sleep porn


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

gamer said:


> Ok, another problem has risen. Check thread Husband watches rape and sleep porn


Dear Gamer,

My heart goes out to you as i read this thread after the porn one. I do believe there is a streak in your husband that is ATTRACTED to your history of victimization, not just "accepting" of it. I feel extremely concerned for you. I kind of get the heebie-jeebies, in fact, and although i refrain from ever telling people on a forum to gtfo, that's what I'm inclined to say to you! I fear for you. I do believe that the way to ultimately heal from rape and molest trauma is to first work your own recovery, then help others, become an advocate, healer, or activst in some capacity to re-empower yourself and build meaning out of devastation. I do NOT trust your husband at all, and the military has an abominable record with regards to harbouring sex offenders...not good company for a man with your husband's proclivities. Take care of yourself, dear one!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

gamer said:


> I'm 22 and my husband is 25. We've been married for a year and a half. Back in April he had attempted to have sex with me whilst I was asleep and actually penetrated me. I've felt hurt and turned off from him since then. Every time we speak or see eachother he pushes me to have sex. He says things like "Are you almost done with your period yet? I want booty." He does it every day, multiple times. Any time we do have sex he always asks to go another round.
> 
> Sex for me isn't really enjoyable. I've been a victim of sexual abuse since I was 5. I was molested at 6, my first sexual encounter at 14 was rape, and within the past two years I have been gang raped twice.
> 
> I don't feel sexually attracted to him at all, even if he kisses me to passionately it makes me want to turn away because I feel smothered. He is talking with a counselor at work (he's in USMC) and the counselor is trying to keep him from pushing me away. I need help either increasing my SD or decreasing his!


 it takes 20 years or more for most people to generate that kind of animosity. get some kind of counseling and talk to each other,and isolate these issues. ladies call it love,men want to get laid,and feel like sex,all the time at 25 yrs.& they themselves have a better value than (just a paycheck0. have times changed & love does not exist?? you must be yummy,or there would be no problems. does he say so ??


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I replied to your other thread as well, and will reply with the same one to this thread. 

You were raped at 14 and raped again while married. You're a victim, and need to be in therapy, period. Once you get some help and feel worthy, you will be able to walk away from this unhealthy situation.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Guys... penetrating a sleeping woman does not constitute a "normal" sex drive. Let's just say he was overly horny that night, but that is being nice about it.
> 
> OP... does your husband know about the past sexual abuse and rape?


My wife would not have given it a second thought, just a wink and a playful slap at most. It all has to do with the level of intimacy A couple has in their bed. My wife and I have always had a very open and casual intimacy..........

In the case of the OP this was not a smart move for the husband, given the wife's abuse issues....

the woodchuck


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## Bluecollar (May 23, 2013)

I love my wife, and to me, she's hot. I can't help but sneak a grab here and a feel there. She is pretty reserved so I have to remind her often it's because she's sexy and I can't resist.
In your case, that is some serious trauma to have gone thru. That means his advances need to be a bit more soft and loving not grab-ass and "how about some booty", to keep you from triggering. If you haven't had this talk with him, now is the time.
As to the sleep and rape porn, I'd almost have to see it. It can be this staged "sleep" and mock "rape" type stuff that is fantasy level and is still sensual, which I wouldn't be concerned about. Then there is the throat grabbing domination stuff that would put up some big red flags, especially for what you've gone thru.
If that is the case, it's totally understandable and maybe you two aren't going to be compatible if that is the case.


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