# I need help....don't know how to change....



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I've always been one to choose the hard path for myself. My first husband was physically abusive, but I loved him with all I had. My second husband was emotionally abusive, but I loved HIM with all I had. My most recent "relationship" was actually great, and I was falling in love, until he dumped me for someone else.

I have dated a bunch of people. I have loved exactly 3. The above 3. 

WHY DO I FALL IN LOVE WITH DOUCHBAGS? I'm not that young.....32. So I should know better. 

I have validation issues. I suppose that stems from crap for self worth. I need to feel wanted. I don't really need to feel needed, though. Just wanted and appreciated. I want to be loved the most.

I don't feel like any of the men I have loved have ever REALLY loved me. The exception being the second husband. We were together the longest, and I think he did love me at first. But when he learned who I really was and couldn't change me into what he wanted, he decided he didn't love me anymore. The first time I heard that was less than a year into our marriage. We were married for over 11.

Anyway, I am recently out of that marriage (yes, the other "relationship" happened after that and is over now.) I KNEW I shouldn't have gotten myself into the "relationship." I KNEW it was too soon. I told myself I could handle it, I wouldn't let my feelings get involved too soon, yadda, yadda. Whatever, my stupid heart strikes again!

I want to be done with the validation thing. I want to have a self worth. But it's been a problem of mine my entire life and I've seen counselors many times for it. I actually have a self esteem, but am lacking in self worth. I don't feel like I'm "worthy" of being loved by the right person or some such crap.

HELP!?!?!?!? 

I swear I think I'm a lost cause. I don't want nor need a relationship right now, but a handsome gentleman to tell me I'm awesome would be nice. And I know I will seek it out. And probably find another douchnozzle. And fall in love with him. WTF is wrong with me???????


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I wish I could help - but I'm kind of in the same boat as you right now. I believe the need for a man's approval is an innate, residual-instinctive-survival need from 'cave-man' times. Although no longer logical for self-sufficient modern women, we still have that need deep within us that says our survival depends on him. Just a theory I've always had to explain that requirement for approval. I wish I could get past it as well, and arrive at a place where the Self can provide the feelings of worthiness I need from a man. It's difficult to overcome, and I think even more difficult for men and women to understand/articulate in a relationship... Best of luck.. I'll be following this thread.. Perhaps someone will come along that can help us both! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GA HEART said:


> I have validation issues. I suppose that stems from crap for self worth. I need to feel wanted. I don't really need to feel needed, though. Just wanted and appreciated. I want to be loved the most.
> 
> I don't feel like any of the men I have loved have ever REALLY loved me. The exception being the second husband. We were together the longest, and I think he did love me at first. But when he learned who I really was and couldn't change me into what he wanted, he decided he didn't love me anymore. The first time I heard that was less than a year into our marriage. We were married for over 11.



Instead of offering a reply, I am going to offer a 20 minute video to watch about "vulnerability" - click on it in my thread here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html

Hope this might add some insight into some things you may have never thought of before - I found it very profound, it talks about self -worth, showing people who we really are, etc, accepting ourselves.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

There may be underlying issues with you seeking flowed men. Perhaps it could be your desire to "save" a troubled soul.......food for thought.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> I swear I think I'm a lost cause. I don't want nor need a relationship right now, but a handsome gentleman to tell me I'm awesome would be nice. And I know I will seek it out. And probably find another douchnozzle. And fall in love with him. WTF is wrong with me???????


Nah, you're not a lost cause; lost, yes, but definitely not a lost cause. Google "love addiction" or "love addict" and see what comes up. Perhaps you will find yourself on one of the many links. It's not terminal, and it's treatable. Just a suggestion from someone who has lived it herself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

GA HEART said:


> I have dated a bunch of people. I have loved exactly 3. The above 3.


That sounds...very familiar.



> WHY DO I FALL IN LOVE WITH DOUCHBAGS? I'm not that young.....32. So I should know better.


I don`t think we can help who we fall for.
I think we can alter who attracts us though...not sure.



> I have validation issues. I suppose that stems from crap for self worth. I need to feel wanted. I don't really need to feel needed, though. Just wanted and appreciated. I want to be loved the most.


I have validation issues as well, I don`t think it stems from self-worth for me as I`m borderline egotistical my opinion of myself is so high.
I dunno why I have them, maybe I just need everyone else to know I`m as great as I think I am.



> I want to be done with the validation thing. I want to have a self worth. But it's been a problem of mine my entire life and I've seen counselors many times for it. I actually have a self esteem, but am lacking in self worth. I don't feel like I'm "worthy" of being loved by the right person or some such crap.
> 
> HELP!?!?!?!?


What have the counselors said about it?



GA HEART said:


> I don't want nor need a relationship right now, but a handsome gentleman to tell me I'm awesome would be nice.


You`re awesome!

Did it help?
Ok I know you can`t see me, trust me, I`m handsome.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

LOL tacoma! Thanks! 

And thank you SA for the video!!!! I watched it and it did make a lot of sense. 

So I actually felt like a brand new person yesterday. I realized some things about myself that have been holding me back, and realization is the first step, yes?

The counselors have all said the same thing.......just love yourself! LOL! But it's so much easier said than done. Because I know what I should be doing, it's just hard to make myself do it. Although it is just a mindframe. I can't "negative talk" myself, which I do A LOT. And honestly, I should just accept the fact that I need validation instead of beating myself up for it. And I need to quit letting others have so much control over me. 

My first big step was over the weekend, when I let myself say NO to something I truly wanted, but knew would be bad for me in the end. I finally listened to the little voice that told me it wasn't right over my heart's desire to pursue it despite. After I did that, I felt lighter than I had in years. 

I also realized that the unusually large amount of hurt and pain I was feeling over the whole thing (I don't think I stopped crying the entire weekend) was actually overblown for the situation. After a bit more soul searching, I realized that I am finally over my husband. This "relationship" that I had after our seperation was more of a security blanket than anything. (Again, I pursued it while ignoring the little voice telling me it wasn't a good idea.)

So really, I think a lot of the pain of letting this "security blanket" go was also the pain of letting my 12 year relationship prior to that go. And I didn't even come close to realizing it at the time. 

But I can't tell you how good it feels to be out of this fog. It took another hurt to let go of the first hurt.


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