# Seperation and Depression Need Answers or Suggestions



## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I would love any input from the Ladies on below. I posted under a different folder earlier. 
My wife left me 20 days ago due to weekend alcohol verbal abuse I gave her. I received counseling after the first week it happened. I discovered through the doctor that depression and alcohol cause anger. I have never hit my wife of ten years but she could no longer take the verbal abuse. I have expressed to my wife the information I received from the doctor but she is still gone. In the 20 days I have probably sent her 30 e-mails and cried to her on the phone for forgiveness but I am sure she is afraid I will do it again. I am a changed man since this happened. I express to her each day via e-mail the things I did to her and I will never drink alcohol again. I was never a big drinker anyway just on the weekend. But enough was enough for her. She reads my e-mails but does not respond. She told me on the phone last week "I don't know what to say to you" Each day goes by and I wonder what her thoughts are. I have no appetite and lost 20 lbs worrying if she will come back to me. She is silent and I surf the Internet for answers and ran across this site and created a new account today.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Ok, I'm going to say a few things here and forgive me for being blunt.

1. True, sincere changes do not happen overnight, and not in 20 days either. That isn't long enough for your wife to see that the changes in you are permanent.

2. Even if you have changed, it doesn't mean that she will return. She could, but she also couldn't.

3. Stop harassing her! She probably knew you were sorry in the first 10 emails you sent her. Personally if I received that many emails begging for forgiveness I'd get annoyed. Your best bet is to SHOW HER. Actions speak louder than words.

4. As for wondering what she's doing, thinking, etc. You need to let that go. You cannot control anything she says or does. You can control you, your actions, your behaviors.
So don't obsess about something you can't do anything about. It will drive you insane.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abbykat (Apr 22, 2011)

I love my husband, but he's verbally abusive. I grew up in a happy home, he grew up in a violent home. Im committed to him, but he can't keep doing this forever. When things are going bad in his life, he takes it out on me with his attitude and mouth. He tries so hard to break my spirit and I am too strong, even though at times he makes me depressed. When he's mad, I can never do enough. His anger can last a couple weeks. He drinks beer almost everyday, which is a switch up from the Jack Daniels he used to drink daily, so perhaps it's the beer fueling his anger, but he doesn't see for himself that he has a problem! Do I have to leave him to make him see what he does to me? The only thing he can change is himself, but he will blame everyone but himself. I ddont want our daughter to think that treating me this way is okay, so somethings gotta give. Why cant he just be content with his life. Misery sucks! Im happy about who I am and what I produce, how can he get happy? As for your girl... She had the balls to leave, and you taught her that she isn't gonna put up with that **** anymore. I would leave him, but I love the happy person he is when life is good. How do I get him to let his anger go and appreciate what he does have thats good? I dont know how long I can handle this, but I do know once I am done, I am done. Hopefully he'll figure it out before it's too late and I am gone!


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## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

DelinquentGurl thank you for your response/input. Your last sentence pretty much sums things up for me right now. I am afraid the longer we are apart we will grow apart is what I worry about each day. My wife had a physically abusive husband earlier in her life. So she has heard promises before that her husband did not keep. My wife leaving me was my wake up call. I am a honest person but I made some mistakes and have learned through this separation the things that I have I needed to correct. On your number 3, Yes I send her e-mails each day to share with her my thoughts and she could possibly be tired of all of them. I have a question though if she is not communicating with me on the phone or responding to my e-mails how do I show her?


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

You show her by giving her the space she needs. 
Have you read Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis?
If not, I suggest you pick it up, it is a very good book. 

The last thing you should be doing is changing for her. You should be doing it for YOU. If you only do it to get your wife back you will fail.

We all make mistakes, what's important is we learn from them. No matter what, it does take 2 to make a marriage work, so this is not all your fault. I'm not saying the blame is equal, but it isn't just you.

My H & I have been apart for almost 6 months now. It hurt like hell at first, and like you, I worried about out chances of reconciliation as more time has passed. But smothering him with phone calls, text, emails, etc. Is counterproductive.
You can't base your happiness on your W's decision. Your happiness needs to come from within you. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true.

I would suggest counseling for yourself, and maybe some day, marriage counseling for the both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

DelinquentGurl, I have been hoping to find a good book about all of this and will find it. I have multiple people telling me the same thing "Change for Yourself not Her". When I went to the Doctor and told him everything with no stone unturned. He gave me the advice I needed then he said "Sounds like she has some issues of her own" I was confused when he said it. My plan is to change me, I take one day at a time at this. I had a long talk with my Mom who has been married for 58 years. She brought up some good points. 
I quit the drinking 3 weeks ago that is over
Stay active .. don't sit around the house all day alone
Go make the necessary changes, exercise join a gym walk
She said If you make the changes in your life and she can see them then you two will get back together.
She said if you make the changes and then she does not come back then there was not much love on her part to begin with then you can move on.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Your Mom is right.

The only things you have control over are you, your actions, your decisions, and your behaviors. You don't have control over anything else, and obsessing over something you cannot control is exhausting.

You stopped drinking, that is a very, very good start. I would suggest attending an AA meeting and see if that is something you might benefit from. 

We all have issues. You do. I do. Your wife does. All of us. Like I said in my previous post, it takes 2. All you can do is acknowledge your part in this and own up to it. You cannot take all the blame.

I have been seeing a therapist for 7 months now and I am finally getting back to the woman I used to be years ago. I was in a fog for a long time.
My H was right to leave the woman I was, but he'd be a fool to walk away from the woman that I've become, but that isn't my decision, it's his. I know I will be ok in the long run, and I am a better person having gone through all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

S have you had a drinking problem throughout the marriage? Have you promised to stop during the marriage but could not? Are you still going to therapy and are you going to AA meetings? How about the depression, are you being treated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StandbyMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Drinking --- I have always been a weekend drinker for the most part. I would work hard all week then want to party on the weekend. That is no excuse to show verbal abuse to a wife. I continually did this every weekend until my wife finally could not take it anymore. I was an extreme drinker .. I could not drink one or two .. I had to drink and get wasted within 2 to 3 hours. Then I would get up on Saturday or Sunday mornings and I knew I was in trouble when my wife would not talk to me. I was so wasted I had no idea what I had said to her. So, with the separation I have no problem at all now of wanting a drink. When she walked out that was my AA as I knew my wife had left and their is a possibility that she might not come back. I have started a exercise program .. walking, joined a fitness center in the last week to find myself. I must start feeling good about myself again. Before I did not like myself ... How was anyone else going to like me? I have been on and off depression medication for 15 years. I know everyone has good days and bad but staying active should help with the bad days. I quit the medication 3 weeks ago after I went for consulting ... I was having bad side effects from taking the medication that I did not like. DelinquentGirl I order your book you suggested on-line last evening. I am excited to read it. I talked to my wife for a little while on the phone this morning twice. I am not getting my hopes up but she went almost 3 weeks and would not speak to me at all. I quit calling her this past Saturday as I knew I was only making it worse she would not answer when she saw it was me. Each time now when she calls I made sure not to bring up the past. There is no crying on my end, begging her to come home as in the past it only made things worse. and I expressed to her the activities I have began. 
Note: Drinking was not my only problem. I had a problem with jealousy and trust which was stupid as I had no evidence of cheating or dishonesty. Plan and simple I was selfish ... 

I am talking one day at a time ... it is all I can do.


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