# Wife left Me for Friend then Regretted her Decision



## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

Once upon a time there lived a young couple Shin and Hee. They were college sweethearts and got married a few years after graduation. Like most couples, they had had their ups and downs, but were happy in general. They moved from state to state to enhance their jobs and careers. One day they ended up working for the same company.
Like most young couples, Shin and Hee enjoyed doing things together. They had many common friends and one of them was Micah.
One day Micah divorced. Hee felt sorry for him. She asked Shin if Micah could hang around with them to ease the pain and loneliness of the divorce. Shin agreed. Micah often came over for dinner and spent weekends at their apartment. Not only they saw each other at work, they went hiking, traveled, attended concerts, and did many things together. One Christmas, the couple flew to visit their parents and even brought Micah along.
This went on for about a year until Shin found a new job. Shin was consumed with the new job as it demanded a lot of attention. As a result he couldn't participate many of the social activities with Hee and Micah. As this went on, Hee and Micah became nearly inseparable. Some people at work often mistook that they were lovers. Whenever they were not physically together, they would be on the phone quietly whispering. They often went out to dinner, then movies, and attend parties without Shin. This went on for about a year then Hee asked Shin if she could have even more freedom to do thing with Micah... she wanted to travel and explore the world with Micah. In response to his wife's request, Shin quietly moved out so Hee could pursue her new interest, though they were technically still husband and wife.
A few months later, Hee lost her job. She found a new one but in a different state and had to move there.
Shin eventually found a new girl friend and filed for a divorce. Hee wanted to come back to Shin; she said she didn't love Micah and he was only a friend and it was Shin whom she loved. But Shin was determined to sever the tie. Hee was going through what Micah was a couple years prior. Micah found a new job with the same company that Hee was working for and moved there. They became co-workers again lived in the same city and state while the divorce was being finalized. According to Hee, Micah was trying to console her the same way she did him.
A few months later, the divorce was finalized. Hee got sick and was unable to work. Micah was always there consoling her. After a couple years, Micah proposed to Hee and wanted to marry her to assist her through sickness and distress, and support her financially. Hee reluctantly agreed because she knew Shin would never come back but she still loved him. Micah said "I know you still love Shin but I love you nevertheless." Hee found consolation and comfort in his words and companionship.
Shin married his new girlfriend and moved on.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Shin your major mistake was in trusting and bring Micah into your relationship......Micah is no friend of your, he was a weasel.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

How about.. Shin should have never let Micah move into the relationship.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Pip’sJourney said:


> How about.. Shin should have never let Micah move into the relationship.


That is the lesson to be learned from this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Who give a **** about those two awful people, they belong together.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

How does Shin know all the stuff that's going down between Hee and Micah in private? Did he plant cameras in their house or something?

It's nice to think that everyone who left us misses us and regrets it, but unfortunately that's not always the case.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Me thinks you should add another vote to your poll. "Although Shin believed their friendship was solid, he discovered that Micah had it in for him."


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

gaius said:


> How does Shin know all the stuff that's going down between Hee and Micah in private? Did he plant cameras in their house or something?
> 
> It's nice to think that everyone who left us misses us and regrets it, but unfortunately that's not always the case.


Shin didn't know all the stuff that's going down between Hee and Micah in private. Hee did admit that she still loved him and had no feelings for Micah. She asked Shin to come back many times over the years.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your Shin is attached to your foot where you can fit a boot. Which is what you should have used on your wife and her boyfriend when she first invited him to hang around.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

how about childhood sweethearts are not meant to be together for life


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> how about childhood sweethearts are not meant to be together for life


Not necessarily true


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You really messed up when you allowed her to date your buddy. That is obvious to anyone.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> You really messed up when you allowed her to date your buddy. That is obvious to anyone.


Shin believed in free will. One cannot stop a cheating heart. It will do what it wanted to do with or without permission. How many cheating spouses do you know that had explicit permission to have an affair?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree, and it would have likely wound up with someone else. But it’s crazy to basically enable one’s wife to have an affair. Playing dumb and pretending it’s ok to have a close male friend like that, just not wise.
I’m sure someone will call that “controlling”....
If call it common sense.
Shin allowed his wife to cultivate another extremely close relationship with an opp sex person and encouraged it. He screwed up, all I can say.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Shin seems to revel in the misery of hee and perversely pleased with the fact that hee is unhappy with her choice and Micah is being used. Shin should move on and stop with the bitterness and revelling in another’s unhappiness. Shin should concentrate on himself and new relationship.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree, and it would have likely wound up with someone else. But it’s crazy to basically enable one’s wife to have an affair. Playing dumb and pretending it’s ok to have a close male friend like that, just not wise.
> I’m sure someone will call that “controlling”....
> If call it common sense.
> Shin allowed his wife to cultivate another extremely close relationship with an opp sex person and encouraged it. He screwed up, all I can say.


I would feel like my guy didn't care that much about me if he was ok me having a close male friend and poor boundaries.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

I see a Disney movie here.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> uld con





Jamieboy said:


> Shin seems to revel in the misery of hee and perversely pleased with the fact that hee is unhappy with her choice and Micah is being used. Shin should move on and stop with the bitterness and revelling in another’s unhappiness. Shin should concentrate on himself and new relationship.


Shin is bitter but who wouldn't if they were in his shoes. Revel in Hee's misery? not so much. However, he never thought Micah was being used. Not sure who's using who here. Hee chose her path and had to suffer the same pain that she had inflicted on Shin.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Shin said:


> Shin is bitter but who wouldn't if they were in his shoes.


Vlad say wife who's ignored by husband and spends too much time with his friend is going to Bangkok.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If Shin has remarried and moved on, why is he posting here?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds like in the end, Hee would have married whichever one of you offered her security in the way of finances and whatever. She's fickle and you're well rid of her. I hope your new marriage works out. Perhaps Micah and Hee will live codependently ever after or perhaps both will leapfrog to new relationships that offer each more.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> If Shin has remarried and moved on, why is he posting here?


good question. Shin recently reconnected with an old college friend who inquired about the divorce. The wound is oozing again. So he posted the story here for his friend to see and hopefully be enlightened by other people's perspectives and learn from his blindness and mistakes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Shin said:


> good question. Shin recently reconnected with an old college friend who inquired about the divorce. The wound is oozing again. So he posted the story here for his friend to see and hopefully be enlightened by other people's perspectives and learn from his blindness and mistakes.


You do realize that speaking in the third person is really weird, don't you?


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

I think in this less, a certain amount of selfishness is necessary to survive. After reading these two articles, I decided that is the only way to do charity is by letting people into my home or life, then charity just won;t get done by me:

1. Wendi Deng Murdoch - Wikipedia
2. Firemen Divorce For 9/11 Widows

You should treat friends the same why. One way to prevent something from happening is to ensure that the environment in which it could happen is not created ...... at least as far as you can.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Hee would have married whichever one of you offered her security in the way of finances and whatever. She's fickle


Good riddance.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You do realize that speaking in the third person is really weird, don't you?


understood. the story was told in third person in hope that readers don't get bored reading it. Furthermore, the elements of emotion were minimized in the story so that the readers don't get influenced. Just presented the facts and no blames. Hopefully, Shin accomplished what he intended. In responding to you, he wanted to be consistent.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I would feel like my guy didn't care that much about me if he was ok me having a close male friend and poor boundaries.


if you were Hee, would you feel morally justified doing what she did? How do you know Shin didn't care... that's not how the story was told.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Shin said:


> if you were Hee, would you feel morally justified doing what she did? How do you know Shin didn't care... that's not how the story was told.


Nope, one has nothing to do with the other.

My ex was the cheat, not me.

All I said was that not insisting on good boundaries sends the message that you don't much care. But your ex also has poor character.

It's something to keep in mind in the future. What did you do to show you were not ok with this arrangement?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Shin said:


> Shin didn't know all the stuff that's going down between Hee and Micah in private. Hee did admit that she still loved him and had no feelings for Micah. She asked Shin to come back many times over the years.


Then why ask what she did? She had to feel something for Micah to have wanted to travel the world with him. They were really dating one another after you had to work harder at your job.

Micah got what he wanted in the end.

Great job on respecting yourself. Hope you and your new wife have a wonderful life together.


Your story is very familiar to another one on this site. Compared to the other BS, you did great. Even with the pain you went through, you hit a home run when it mattered.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nope, one has nothing to do with the other.
> 
> My ex was the cheat, not me.
> 
> ...


I don’t agree with this. Most men are called insecure and jealous when they enforce boundaries. They have been told repeatedly to trust no matter what is going on. So the men of this younger generation are scared to death to be labeled as a insecure jealous prick.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

ABHale said:


> I don’t agree with this. Most men are called insecure and jealous when they enforce boundaries. They have been told repeatedly to trust no matter what is going on. So the men of this younger generation are scared to death to be labeled as a insecure jealous prick.


Shin preferred not to enforce boundaries out of respect for his spouse as he saw her as a full grown adult with good moral judgement. If the woman living him did not see the anguish in him, she must have been emotionally dead... or perhaps too busy to notice.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Pip’sJourney said:


> How about.. Shin should have never let Micah move into the relationship.


How about HEE should never have allowed Micah to move into the relationship 😉


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> How about HEE should never have allowed Micah to move into the relationship 😉


I don’t think I could like this enough!!!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I would feel like my guy didn't care that much about me if he was ok me having a close male friend and poor boundaries.


I would feel that as a wife, I wouldn’t have a male friend.

And if I wanted one so badly, to see if my husband really cared about me, I’d see a psychiatrist pronto. 

Boo hoo, I have a male friend I want to travel the world with, and my husband hasn’t punched him yet or locked me up. Wah Wah Wah. He doesn’t care about meeeee!!! 😭😭😭


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Shin needs to be smart and understand human nature, he also needs to understand why a word such as boundaries exists!
Never allow, indorse or create an environment where boundaries can or could be crossed!

Hopefully Shin is smart now and learned his lesson well, he also learned to stop playing Russian roulette with his future!


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Shin said:


> Shin is bitter but who wouldn't if they were in his shoes. Revel in Hee's misery? not so much. However, he never thought Micah was being used. Not sure who's using who here. Hee chose her path and had to suffer the same pain that she had inflicted on Shin.


Without wanting to get all zen, but this thread just has that vibe, why are you still bitter? You have found someone new, none of my exes take up my valuable head space. The fact you are posting and what you have written, screams unfinished business to me. Which is unfair on your current partner


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Shin said:


> Shin preferred not to enforce boundaries out of respect for his spouse as he saw her as a full grown adult with good moral judgement. If the woman living him did not see the anguish in him, she must have been emotionally dead... or perhaps too busy to notice.


But a partner has to be there for the RELATIONSHIP when it's in potential trouble.

And a partner has to be there for their partner when they need help with their judgement. We're only human after all, and our judgement gets clouded easily. 

Shin stood by in anguish, did not lift a finger. He did not do his duty as a grown adult with good moral judgment. Instead he watched the crash happen, when he could have and should have intervened.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ABHale said:


> I don’t agree with this. Most men are called insecure and jealous when they enforce boundaries. They have been told repeatedly to trust no matter what is going on. So the men of this younger generation are scared to death to be labeled as a insecure jealous prick.


I'm not sure why you think this is a men's issue. Women get called jealous, insecure, and controlling all the time by men with poor boundaries. The jealous and controlling label is often used as a deflection tactic by people with questionable boundaries. I've never liked this charge for that reason.

There are some people that are jealous and controlling for no reason...I'm not talking about them.

And for the record, I never would've kept a male "friend" like this.

But different people have different tolerances. There are some on this site that are poly or keep exes as buddies....neither of which I would tolerate. So we have to make our boundaries clear.

The ex here had poor character and OP should absolutely not take her back. But he also should've made his position clear when asked about bringing this guy along. If he was called jealous and controlling then he'd know he was dealing with a person with poor boundaries.

Of course she should've had better boundaries. But he should've either communicated his discomfort or ended the relationship once he realized this.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

NTA said:


> I think in this less, a certain amount of selfishness is necessary to survive. After reading these two articles, I decided that is the only way to do charity is by letting people into my home or life, then charity just won;t get done by me:
> 
> 1. Wendi Deng Murdoch - Wikipedia
> 2. Firemen Divorce For 9/11 Widows
> ...


@BruceBanner, Thanks for understanding my post with so many mistakes. I'm going to try again. 

I think in this *less than perfect* *world*, a certain amount of selfishness is necessary to survive. After reading these two articles, I decided that *if* the only way to do charity is by letting people into my home or life, then charity just *won't *get done by me:

1. Wendi Deng Murdoch - Wikipedia
2. Firemen Divorce For 9/11 Widows

You should treat friends the same *way.* One way to prevent something from happening is to ensure that the environment in which it could happen is not created ...... at least as far as you can.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Apparently Shin didn't know about the statistic....100% of people who communicate in 3rd person get cheated on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure why you think this is a men's issue. Women get called jealous, insecure, and controlling all the time by men with poor boundaries. The jealous and controlling label is often used as a deflection tactic by people with questionable boundaries. I've never liked this charge for that reason.
> 
> There are some people that are jealous and controlling for no reason...I'm not talking about them.
> 
> ...


If you read some of the dating forum, you would understand where I am coming from. Most of them start out with the guy explaining he isn’t wanting to be a control freak or look insecure and jealous BUT I have a problem. I don’t see hardly any of the girls doing this. None at the start.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Shin was right to move on, but wrong in allowing such a close relationship between his wife and another man. There isn't anything wrong with male friends, but allowing them to spend so much time together that they are basically dating is idiotic. That isn’t being a trusting spouse, that is being a oblivious spouse. Love and relationships are built through a bond that occurs mostly due to closeness and regular physical interaction. It is really a hormonal response. Your wife could love the hell out you, but if you let her spend more time daily with a man she finds even somewhat attractive than she spends with you she is almost always going to fall for him and fall out of love with you. She could certainly have recognized the relationship was wrong, but when her husband was giving permission to spend all that time with the OM, was it really wrong? People really need a lesson on boundaries.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> Without wanting to get all zen, but this thread just has that vibe, why are you still bitter? You have found someone new, none of my exes take up my valuable head space. The fact you are posting and what you have written, screams unfinished business to me. Which is unfair on your current partner


your question has already been answered. please see post #22.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure why you think this is a men's issue. Women get called jealous, insecure, and controlling all the time by men with poor boundaries. The jealous and controlling label is often used as a deflection tactic by people with questionable boundaries. I've never liked this charge for that reason.
> 
> There are some people that are jealous and controlling for no reason...I'm not talking about them.
> 
> ...


this sound _almost_ like blaming rape victims for their skirts being too short.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Shin said:


> this sound _almost_ like blaming rape victims for their skirts being too short.


If that's what you got out of my post then you're going to get walked on by a lot of people.

Since you actually just compared yourself to rape victims I have nothing more to say here.

Best of luck.....I'm out as a poster.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Shin said:


> this sound _almost_ like blaming rape victims for their skirts being too short.


WTF? Are you really trying to equate yourself to a rape victim? Cheating is always wrong and I assume she had a physical affair before you separated. Which again, is wrong. However, you gave your wife permission to date and build a close relationship with another man. You basically knew she was having an emotional affair and not just blindly allowed it, but in many ways fostered it. I know you may not have thought about it like that at the time, but that is what you did. 

In case you haven't learn your lesson, let me be clear. DO NOT allow your new wife to have a close and personal relationship with another man.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Shin said:


> this sound _almost_ like blaming rape victims for their skirts being too short.


No, actually it is nothing like that.

Its normal to be mate guard. Not doing it, and intentionally doing the opposite is just asking for problems.

Have you heard of a **** test? Its like your relationship was one giant **** test and you got burned.

If this is the type of logic you are operating with, no wonder she left.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> WTF? Are you really trying to equate yourself to a rape victim? Cheating is always wrong and I assume she had a physical affair before you separated. Which again, is wrong. However, you gave your wife permission to date and build a close relationship with another man. You basically knew she was having an emotional affair and not just blindly allowed it, but in many ways fostered it. I know you may not have thought about it like that at the time, but that is what you did.
> 
> In case you haven't learn your lesson, let me be clear. DO NOT allow your new wife to have a close and personal relationship with another man.


How many posters here, male and female, tried to stop opposite sex friendships that were crossing the line? Expressed their hurt and pain that the spouse was prioritising someone else? Tried to stop affairs by insisting their spouse break contact? Put up boundaries, set rules and so on? Tried to be a better spouse, bent over backwards by giving more sex, helping around the house, more This, more that.

What did all this achieve? They got to the same place Shin did in the end. I think all the blame lies with the cheating spouse. Stop the victim blaming.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Luckylucky said:


> How many posters here, male and female, tried to stop opposite sex friendships that were crossing the line? Expressed their hurt and pain that the spouse was prioritising someone else? Tried to stop affairs by insisting their spouse break contact? Put up boundaries, set rules and so on? Tried to be a better spouse, bent over backwards by giving more sex, helping around the house, more This, more that.
> 
> What did all this achieve? They got to the same place Shin did in the end. I think all the blame lies with the cheating spouse. Stop the victim blaming.


Victim? lol, no, he made choices to stick his head in the sand and ignore an obvious interloper in his marriage. 
1)?She asked Shin if Micah could hang around with them to ease the pain and loneliness of the divorce—-
Nope, hell no. Sharing pain/emotions leads to emotional bonding. 

2)Not only they saw each other at work, they went hiking, traveled, attended concerts, and did many things together.
Nope, hell no. Nobody dates my lady but me. Find your own Micah. So long “friend”. 
3) As a result he couldn't participate many of the social activities with Hee and Micah. As this went on, Hee and Micah became nearly inseparable. Some people at work often mistook that they were lovers. Whenever they were not physically together, they would be on the phone quietly whispering. They often went out to dinner, then movies, and attend parties without Shin.
Uh, at this point, why should Shin even be upset??? He’s known the whole time that Micah was his wife’s boyfriend.

So he allowed his wife to date Micah, spend the weekend with Micah, etc etc.

If you think “Shin” is a victim, I disagree. He’s either the most socially ignorant person on the planet, or was scared to stand up to his wife blatantly dating his friend right under his nose. 

Shin is a victim only of his own social ineptness or fear of abandonment.

It’s not even that good of a story. Forrest Gump wasn’t this naive.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Other men/other women are often like demons in that often times they are invited in. 

Athol Kay addresses this phenomenon directly in his "Married Man Sex Life Primer" book. Married men will let their ne'rdowell brothers or their failure-to-launch friends from high school/college come stay with them or even bringing in a contractor to do a remodel or addition to the house and then they walk out the door to go to work and golf and go on fishing trips with their buddies leaving the wife and whoever home to their own devices for extended periods of time and are then shocked and dismayed when they hook up. 

Humans are creatures of the earth just like every other animal and if a male and a female are in close physical proximity for periods of time, the next fertility cycle that comes around and he is there and you are not, they are going to copulate. 

If your deadbeat brother or buddy from your youth gets dumped by his wife/GF or loses his job or whatever, it's ok to take him out for a beer so he can drown his sorrows and whine on your shoulder. But do it man-to-man and keep your wife/GF out of it and keep him away from your partner and don't let him live in your house.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So in other words, this was dumb. 

When your brother or buddy gets dumped by his chickie, pat him on the back and wish him well and then tell him to go find his own chick. Don't bring him into your house to engage with yours. 

And if your wife/GF is urging you to bring your brother/buddy into your home, she has her own agenda behind it. Tell her to pound sand or pack her stuff and go be a single woman and date/bang whoever she wants. 

Don't let her do it under YOUR roof with you paying the bills for their love nest.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Victim? lol, no, he made choices to stick his head in the sand and ignore an obvious interloper in his marriage.
> 1)?She asked Shin if Micah could hang around with them to ease the pain and loneliness of the divorce—-
> Nope, hell no. Sharing pain/emotions leads to emotional bonding.
> 
> ...


This pretty much says it like it is ^^^^^^^^^

It even makes me wonder if ol' Shin here is on the spectrum to some degree and has no real grasp of human emotion and how people operate. Did he actually think that under those conditions that they would NOT be making a beast with two backs at some point???

But he certainly ain't alone. This scenario plays out countless times across the world every day. 

I had a good friend who she and her H wanted to dip their toes into swinging/threesomes etc but instead of doing their research and actually learning about it and without actually talking about boundaries and parameters etc between each other, they approached a friend of hers that had recently got divorced and had an elementary aged child. 

They hooked up and a good time was had by all and within a matter of days the H moved the OW and her kid into their house! 

Within a week or two of that, the husband had basically moved into the other room with the OW and the wife was sleeping alone and not even getting invited join the H and the OW. 

This had been going on for MONTHS when she told me about it and asked if I had any ideas of what she should do. 

I just stood there with my mouth gaping open completely dumbfounded that she could be so naive and spineless. 

I finally said to tell her to get F out of your house. And she said that the H wanted her to stay and she didn't have any other places lined up. 

I was completely shocked at her complete lack of even common sense. She had lived a good, normal, middle class life up until then. 

Now of course eventually everything blew up in spectacular fashion including domestic violence, weapons, hospitalizations, arrests, some county jail time etc and a nasty divorce that is still reverberating to this day several years later. 

But what amazes me is how people can think that this WON'T happen when you are basically bringing a 3rd party into your home and family life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Shin said:


> Shin believed in free will. One cannot stop a cheating heart. It will do what it wanted to do with or without permission. How many cheating spouses do you know that had explicit permission to have an affair?


There is some truth to that. If someone is determined to cheat, they will find a way. 

However in instances like this (which is not uncommon at all) the BS is literally opening the door and placing people into an environment in which familiarity and bonding WILL occur. 

You completely enabled and aided and abetted their relationship within your own home and within your own life. You were a contributing party to it. 

It's one thing if someone's partner falls for someone at work or at the gym or some other venue completely separate from the BS and the BS's homelife. 

But you invited this demon into your life. And you stood by complicitly as their relationship developed and blossomed. 

You basically ignored human nature and allowed it to happen under the guise of free will. If someone is breaking into your home to rape and murder and dismember your children, are you going to stand idly by while your children are raped and murdered because it is the free will of the killer???

I also sense a certain smugness and disturbing sense satisfaction of Hee's torment in your writings. You enabled and allowed your marriage to destruct and now you revel in her apparent pain. 

This is a strange case.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How many posters here, male and female, tried to stop opposite sex friendships that were crossing the line? Expressed their hurt and pain that the spouse was prioritising someone else? Tried to stop affairs by insisting their spouse break contact? Put up boundaries, set rules and so on? Tried to be a better spouse, bent over backwards by giving more sex, helping around the house, more This, more that.
> 
> What did all this achieve? They got to the same place Shin did in the end. I think all the blame lies with the cheating spouse. Stop the victim blaming.


I understand what you're trying to say, but it's flawed logic.

Everyone betrayed may have tried to stop the affair beforehand, but everyone who makes an effort to stop an affair beforehand does not get betrayed.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> WTF? Are you really trying to equate yourself to a rape victim? Cheating is always wrong and I assume she had a physical affair before you separated. Which again, is wrong. However, you gave your wife permission to date and build a close relationship with another man. You basically knew she was having an emotional affair and not just blindly allowed it, but in many ways fostered it. I know you may not have thought about it like that at the time, but that is what you did.
> 
> In case you haven't learn your lesson, let me be clear. DO NOT allow your new wife to have a close and personal relationship with another man.


That isn’t what he was saying.

What some have posted blamed OP for allowing his wife’s friendship to go to far. He isn’t her dad and he didn’t own her. She was a grown woman capable of making her own choices. He stated that quite a bit of what happened was left out.


What some people have posted about his situation is like blaming a rape victim for getting raped. He never said anything about the pain or actions being similar.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

nd


lifeistooshort said:


> I'm not sure why you think this is a men's issue. Women get called jealous, insecure, and controlling all the time by men with poor boundaries. The jealous and controlling label is often used as a deflection tactic by people with questionable boundaries. I've never liked this charge for that reason.
> 
> *There are some people that are jealous and controlling for no reason...I'm not talking about them.
> 
> ...


 Same for me. I was chronicling about my situation with dating my future husband and his keeping a toxic person around under the category of "just friend" ex or something like that.

My resolution to myself was either to continue dating other men if this woman had to be fixture in his life. I may have topped it with "And get a boyfriend like what she has." Or he could excise her from his life and we would be exclusive.


the women on that board broiled me for "making him get rid of her." What I think is that these women were imagining was that their good "friend", good for closing bar tabs, you know and providing "other similar social services" could be brought to an end whenever a potential GF shows up. Even though these women have no interest in dating guys who make themselves available like that.

Fortunately, I never backed down neither in cyberspace nor IRL. And of course, I never told anyone that I was not super close with. Some things are just better to keep to yourself.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@Evinrude58 I didn’t call him a victim. I see a winner here. His ex-wife was, and clearly still is a victim of her choices. And so sad that she still loves her ex but is utterly powerless to do anything about it. The power was hers all along. 🙂


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> How many posters here, male and female, tried to stop opposite sex friendships that were crossing the line? Expressed their hurt and pain that the spouse was prioritising someone else? Tried to stop affairs by insisting their spouse break contact? Put up boundaries, set rules and so on? Tried to be a better spouse, bent over backwards by giving more sex, helping around the house, more This, more that.
> 
> What did all this achieve? They got to the same place Shin did in the end. I think all the blame lies with the cheating spouse. Stop the victim blaming.


Any cheating is owned by the cheater. His post doesn't say if or when the affair became physical, but he was allowing and seemed to be encouraging an emotional affair. A good portion of that was happening under his own roof, even in his very presence.

I realize we don't have the full story, but when you read what he posted it sounds like he allowed this newly single man rebounding from a divorce to basically become the third person in their marriage allowing the man to spend nearly as much time with the wife as the husband. Then he allowed them to continue as a couple when his work schedule pulled him out of the triad. It got to the point that other people thought her and the OM were a couple. This was all going on completely in the light of day so it appeared to be with his approval. Maybe he tried to pull the plug on this at some or many points, but that is never mentioned. In fact he said he chose not to enforce boundaries. It reads like he almost setup or at least allowed their courtship, which worked, they became a couple.

I don't want to excuse a cheater, but this almost doesn't sound like cheating. Is it cheating when one spouse is completely indifferent about what is going right in front of them and in public view? I suspect the full story may change my point of view to some degree, but it is hard not to assign some blame on the husband based on the information provided here.


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## Shin (Aug 10, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> rape





BigDaddyNY said:


> Any cheating is owned by the cheater. His post doesn't say if or when the affair became physical, but he was allowing and seemed to be encouraging an emotional affair. A good portion of that was happening under his own roof, even in his very presence.
> 
> I realize we don't have the full story, but when you read what he posted it sounds like he allowed this newly single man rebounding from a divorce to basically become the third person in their marriage allowing the man to spend nearly as much time with the wife as the husband. Then he allowed them to continue as a couple when his work schedule pulled him out of the triad. It got to the point that other people thought her and the OM were a couple. This was all going on completely in the light of day so it appeared to be with his approval. Maybe he tried to pull the plug on this at some or many points, but that is never mentioned. In fact he said he chose not to enforce boundaries. It reads like he almost setup or at least allowed their courtship, which worked, they became a couple.
> 
> I don't want to excuse a cheater, but this almost doesn't sound like cheating. Is it cheating when one spouse is completely indifferent about what is going right in front of them and in public view? I suspect the full story may change my point of view to some degree, but it is hard not to assign some blame on the husband based on the information provided here.


Shin did have a conversation with Hee. He told her that the certificate of marriage isn't worth the paper it's printed on if her heart wasn't in it and discussed the divorce. Hee didn't change course.
what would you have done if you were Hee and Micah at that point?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Shin said:


> Shin did have a conversation with Hee. He told her that the certificate of marriage isn't worth the paper it's printed on if her heart wasn't in it and discussed the divorce. Hee didn't change course.
> what would you have done if you were Hee and Micah at that point?


That’s like asking the guy falling beside you that just jumped out of a plane with no parachute, “what should we do now”??


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What do you think Shin should have done differently? That is what matters most.


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