# Did i cause my husband to have a ea?



## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

I trying to understand why my H had a EA.I don't know if it was my fault or not. At one short point in my life I will say about 6 mos. ago I became distracted I have 3 small children and my H works 12hr. shifts so I was the one doing all the cooking, cleaning, tending to the kids and working a full-time job as a nurse so I was extremely tired by the time I got to bed at night my children r 7, 4, and 11 mos. so sex wasn't always there when he wanted it cuz I was tired never really had a day off always something to do and he didn't help me much at all by the time he gets home the kids was sleeping and by the time he got up we were gone for the day. Then my dad got ill and past away and that was exhausting cuz then I had to add my mother to the plate to get her through this ordeal and the awhile he had this EA. When I found out about it all I could think of was this my fault did I not pay him enough attention physically and emotionally I still wonder he says we were just in a bad spot at the moment but then he had his EA had nobody to talk to, no shoulder to cry on, I guess I am trying to understand this situation if their was something I should of did differently?

I hate this I just hate it the feelings the whole freaking situation I can't make sense of anything anymore.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Don't blame yourself. He had a lot of choices about how to fill a temporary void that comes up in all marriages at some point.

But also try to start finding ways to pay more attention to him and spend more time together if possible.

Good luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The answer to you question is both yes and no.

Yes in the sense that clearly he appeared to be a bit ignored by you. And really if you markedly reduce sex, the men always get to feel underloved. You laid some groundwork here.

No in the sense that he also had a choice in how he handled you treating him. He didn't try and address things with you and go to you about how he was feeling, he went to another woman for support.

His Needs, Her Needs may be of some good insight to you both.


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## noona (Jan 6, 2010)

I agree with Atholk. I don't think you can put the entire situation on your shoulders. The cause of everything that occurs in a relationship is shared between both parties. Your H feeling about where the relationship was and his feelings of not having anyone to talk to were real. His thought process on how he got there (not speaking openly with you about it) was unhealthy and definitely his fault.

In my situation, I had some faults that drove my wife not not feel close to me anymore. This I take 100% blame for. Her reaction to this was to use another man to fill that void, rather than talk to me about how she feels and discuss what she was lacking. This was her fault and she realizes this and beats herself up over it.

At the end of the day, I think you have to stop playing the blame game. Talk with you H. Ask him to explain in more detail what he was getting out of his EA. Then, you can start to change your behaviors to help him fill that void at home!


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

_In my situation, I had some faults that drove my wife not not feel close to me anymore. This I take 100% blame for. Her reaction to this was to use another man to fill that void, rather than talk to me about how she feels and discuss what she was lacking. This was her fault and she realizes this and beats herself up over it._

I am in complete agreement with noona. His situation mimics mine but it was my H that had the A. 

He's right. At this point finding blame won't solve anything. Communicating and finding out what you need from each other to rebuild and make your marriage better is what matters.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I'm exhausted just reading what you do in a day! 

I think it's good for you to recognize how you did contribute to the EA. You did have some responsibilities to nurture and care for him (on top of all the other responsibilities you have) that you neglected. Okay. You can change those, ask for forgiveness and work at being there for him, in bed and out.

However, it's also good for him to own up to the facts in your household. Three kids, full time work, losing a parent, little time together are really hard things for you to hurdle over. Can you two work together to get you some relief, some time to be lovers with each other instead of passing in the hallway? He needs to be on board in supporting you so that you can love him.

The blame game is a vicious circle. Figure out how to move from here.


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## number8 (Jan 16, 2010)

How can you blame yourself for what he did? He was selfish and he should try and support you after you lost your father. You have a full time job as well as looking after your family. 

When my fiance cheated on me the second time, I didn't even feel sad anymore. I just got angry. I didn't try to hit him or shout at him. I simply smiled and walked out the door as my friend came to pick me up to take me out to the bar. When I was at the bar, I just got even.


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## furiouskitten (Jan 17, 2010)

Should you blame yourself? NO! He conducted himself in an unexcusable manner, and that he'll have to live with that fact. If he loves and wants you, he'll never forgive himself for that action. Unfortunately you will have to live with this as well! So if you've decided you are going to make your marriage work, you better be sure he feels the same way. Then you need to forgive and forget it! You will also need to lighten your workload. Feminists sold us moms of the future a raw deal. You can not have it all. If you want to have a healthy happy marriage and be a great mom, you will have to make sacrifices. You have too much on your plate and it may be time for you and your husband to discuss the options of you cutting hours at work or quiting. I know it sucks to hear, but it's true. If you can not sacrifice your job due to financial reasons (believe me I know), then you will have to find the time to sneak in romance and attention for your man. Perhaps either of you may be able to rearrange your schedule to allow more family and mommy daddy time.

Men love an attentive wife, wanted attention, compliment and graditude, and of course sex. So remind him you appreciate him and his contribution to his family and remind him that his moves still turn you on. Give him affection and attention as needed, don't nag or complain (you have girlfriends for that), and have sex. Quickies count for so much, try it out. 

If you want to make your marriage work, you can not (i repeat can not) hold this affair over his head. Once you've forgiven, FORGET IT! You two will never move forward until you let it go! Also try to remember if you are not tending to your husband, some other woman will happily do so and not feel a touch of remorse for breaking apart your family. If you want him, fight for him!

I wish you the best of luck and a happy marriage and life!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Having little kids is VERY VERY HARD. I just don't know how anyone gets through it. I completely agree with Athok - READ HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. 
Find time somehow - even just a few minutes for each other - a 2 way street.


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## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

I thank u all for ur responses I know I can't continue to go on this it is so frustrating it has been only a month and half and I love my H and trying very hard to get through this I haven't forgiven him yet but that will have to take time.

Yes I need to lighten my load but it is so hard when u r the only one around to do everything and I hold resentment towards him for not being home more with me and the kids but I see now that he is putting some effort in to helping out with the load and now he sees why I was always tired we kinda switched duties for a day and he sees it is alot of work and understands now what I had to go through basically alone so at least that is a start.

I cannot make promises but in my gut I feel like I am down a road of divorce because he cannot stop talking to this OW and he still his lying about how many times can we go through the same thing before u just give up?


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