# my wife keeps undermining my parenting in front of our children



## probie (7 mo ago)

hi there, 
my wife and i discussed privately that our eldest daughter is lazy and untidy to say the least, so when i started to say to our daughter that she needs to be much better she was not bothered so more things were said and my wife ended up siding with our daughter, afterwards i told my wife i was not happy about not backing me up and she thinks its no big deal and does not see a problem with it, 
i am getting more and more fed up with this keep happening

pete


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

And, you will be able to do absolutely nothing about it. The undermining will continue, because your wife considers YOU "no big deal" and has "no problem" with being a unilateral parent.

Unfortunately, you cannot change other people. Only you. The REALLY unfortunate thing is that you will be unable to make any changes in your daughter's behavior, even those which would benefit her greatly in adulthood. Your wife will continue to give your daughter permission to remain lazy and untidy. Your daughter will grow up with a sense of entitlement to be lazy and untidy.


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## HurtinFl (12 mo ago)

Unfortunately that doesn't change. I'm the authoritative parent, my husband has always been the more laid back parent. Now our 20 year old daughter is causing issues in our marriage and screwing up her own life. Maybe try to have a conversation with your wife before it gets to the point of no return. 
Try to disagree how to parent away from the kids, tell your wife that the discussions about how to parent are between the two of you (not including your kids), otherwise it will be a constant struggle. I resent my husband for always making me the bad guy...and it shows after a 22 year long marriage.


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## probie (7 mo ago)

our daughter is 24 and she wants a cleaner when she buys her own house, 
i have had many a discussion with my wife about how we should tackle getting our daughter to do more and we will completely agree and then when it crops up again she will defend our daughter, by that time i have already said a few things, so i am not only the bad one but also wrong in my daughters eyes, 
to top it all after i tried to talk to my wife about it being wrong undermining me and she says she does not and that if i am that unhappy about it maybe we should separate!
i cannot do right for doing wrong.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

probie said:


> our daughter is 24 and she wants a cleaner when she buys her own house,
> i have had many a discussion with my wife about how we should tackle getting our daughter to do more and we will completely agree and then when it crops up again she will defend our daughter, by that time i have already said a few things, so i am not only the bad one but also wrong in my daughters eyes,
> to top it all after i tried to talk to my wife about it being wrong undermining me and* she says she does not and that if i am that unhappy about it maybe we should separate!*
> i cannot do right for doing wrong.


If she is going to throw out a threat like that you should seriously consider taking her up on her offer. She has zero respect for you.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

probie said:


> ... and that if i am that unhappy about it maybe we should separate!


She brought it up... Call her bluff!
If you don't have the balls then accept things to go even worse!
Remember, parenting is a partnership!
If you bend backwards expect to swallow more crap from her because she will pull *"if you're unhappy about it maybe we should separate"*! 
She does it because she knows you, she knows that you will go to your corner and sit like a good boy, at least that what she thinks, prove her wrong!!
Call her bluff!


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## probie (7 mo ago)

i have called her bluff, i went to see a lawyer this morning, i have told her so and have also told her to go back to her moms house which is only about a mile away, and also told her i am staying put and going nowhere,
she is now trying not to show that she is panicking as she thought i would back down, it is not going to happen and i am sticking to my guns.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

probie said:


> i have called her bluff, i went to see a lawyer this morning, i have told her so and have also told her to go back to her moms house which is only about a mile away, and also told her i am staying put and going nowhere,
> she is now trying not to show that she is panicking as she thought i would back down, it is not going to happen and i am sticking to my guns.


Before the "we should separate" threat I was hopeful that communication would resolve this.

But that threat... no way. Pure disrespect.

Congrats on taking a real stand.

I would also say stop worrying about if they think you are wrong.
It's time to set the boundaries for anyone you let close to you. If they can't abide, then gtfo.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

probie said:


> i have called her bluff, i went to see a lawyer this morning, i have told her so and have also told her to go back to her moms house which is only about a mile away, and also told her i am staying put and going nowhere,
> she is now trying not to show that she is panicking as she thought i would back down, it is not going to happen and i am sticking to my guns.


I'm hoping that your wife will come to her senses after that ridiculous *"if you're unhappy about it maybe we should separate"* statement!
If she doesn't then stick to your guns!

*Parenting basics 101:* Never undermine the other parent in front of the children, doing so is a very serious matter, it will destroy the image of that parent permanently!
NEVER undermine, instead, you take it to close doors and have one to one discussion about it to be on the same page! 

And then you try to do the healthy approach and talk to her about it and she pull the separation crap, giving you no options but to suck your own balls or stand up for yourself
Unfortunately, Your wife doesn't care about your image in front of your kids, this is a very serious issue! 
It shows a huge disrespect for you!
Still, I'm hoping she comes back to her senses!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> I'm hoping that your wife will come to her senses after that ridiculous *"if you're unhappy about it maybe we should separate"* statement!
> If she doesn't then stick to your guns!
> 
> *Parenting basics 101:* Never undermine the other parent in front of the children, doing so is a very serious matter, it will destroy the image of that parent permanently!
> ...


I agree 100% with parents not undermining each other. Thing is, this really doesn't involve a "kid". The daughter is 24. I wonder if the same thing is happening with the younger kids.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

probie said:


> i have called her bluff, i went to see a lawyer this morning, i have told her so and have also told her to go back to her moms house which is only about a mile away, and also told her i am staying put and going nowhere,
> she is now trying not to show that she is panicking as she thought i would back down, it is not going to happen and i am sticking to my guns.


This is good.

now, if she does come back, pull her to the side and let her know that you listen to her concerns when it comes to parenting but NEVER in front of the kids.

if she wants to oppose you, she can do it in private where you all can talk through an issue. Never in front of the kids.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

probie said:


> i have called her bluff, i went to see a lawyer this morning, i have told her so and have also told her to go back to her moms house which is only about a mile away, and also told her i am staying put and going nowhere,
> she is now trying not to show that she is panicking as she thought i would back down, it is not going to happen and i am sticking to my guns.


Good for you! A lot of people never stand up to the disrespect. I’m assuming this has gone on a while in your marriage and you’re to that fed up point. I hope you and your wife can find some common ground - and I bet your wife sees you in a new light now. Someone she can’t push around. Hope it works out!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I agree that you should take her up on her "let's separate" offer. 

But.

Why does it matter if your adult daughter uses her own money to hire a cleaner when she buys her own house? Am I missing something? If her salary is so large she can afford to buy a house on her own, at 24, and hire a cleaner, she must have a very big job that pays very very well.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I agree that you should take her up on her "let's separate" offer.
> 
> But.
> 
> Why does it matter if your adult daughter uses her own money to hire a cleaner when she buys her own house? Am I missing something? If her salary is so large she can afford to buy a house on her own, at 24, and hire a cleaner, she must have a very big job that pays very very well.


Pretty sure he is saying she is such a slob and won't cleanup after herself, that her solution once she is living on her own is to hire someone. Right now though, she is living with her parents, and still a slob.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I agree 100% with parents not undermining each other. Thing is, this really doesn't involve a "kid". The daughter is 24. I wonder if the same thing is happening with the younger kids.


Now the 24 year old will do the same crap to her future husband because she saw Mommy do it to poor Daddy and it was OK!



Livvie said:


> Why does it matter if your adult daughter uses her own money to hire a cleaner when she buys her own house? Am I missing something? If her salary is so large she can afford to buy a house on her own, at 24, and hire a cleaner, she must have a very big job that pays very very well.


Personally, I don't mind if my daughter had the money and hires a cleaner (assuming she is not a slob!), but that's not the issue here, the issue is undermining the father, and then when he talks to his wife in a healthy way behind closed doors she pulls the separation crap on him, telling him basically: *Eat sh** and accept it, because this is how it's going to be, and if you don't like it you can piss off!*

All those years being a father and a husband counted for nothing, it's really disrespectful!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

It is very important that issues be discussed, an agreement between you is made before speaking to the children. You both have to agree that if something is said that the other does not agree with when speaking to the children that you will not openly talk about it in the presence of the children. At the same time, you both have to support the other parent and neither parent can talk to the children about the other parent's decision. If you cannot do this your marriage is wide open for destruction as the children learn you are not in control. mom shows lack of support and the have rein to disrespect you.

I had this happen in my marriage. I married a man who had children from a previous marriage and husband had custody. I was the one raising the children from the age of 5 & 7. he and I would talk as issues came up, we would agree but then he would not implement what we agreed to and as the stepmom this put me between a rock and a hard place. There was a situation when the youngest boy at age 19, felt he could basically tell me off and through a stack of papers at me. His dad just sat there and did not say a word. When I asked him later why he did not correct his son he told me he had a right to express himself. I told my husband (now ex) that he just gave his son permission to disrespect me. Just one of many situations, there was never support from my husband.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Damn AVR, your post just got me pissed off for you. It’s a good thing that he’s now your ex. Blended families only work if the couple works as a team and puts their kids in check if they get disrespectful. You had given so much to that man and his kids for that brat to throw papers in your face is actually sad but to have your then husband not have your back is just heartbreaking and a complete deal breaker.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

@jsmart was married to him for 24 years. I left once all the kids were raised.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

probie said:


> to top it all after i tried to talk to my wife about it being wrong undermining me and she says she does not and that if i am that unhappy about it maybe we should separate!


I might be wrong, but this is an indication of your wife having one up on top of you constantly, for years; which lead to the degree of disrespect shown to you by her assuming that you were going to lay down and poo when she gave the "we should separate" crap.

I'm glad that you called her on her threat. if you back down now, she will now know that what she assumed all along (you being her beta man) was correct. She must learn to give the respect demanded for the relationship to move forward. If she is not willing, then you got your answer, and proved her wrong by continuing with the separation and divorce, so that she finally understand that you will not longer be pissed upon. You can't have a relationship where there is not mutual respect.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

probie said:


> our daughter is 24 and she wants a cleaner when she buys her own house,
> i have had many a discussion with my wife about how we should tackle getting our daughter to do more and we will completely agree and then when it crops up again she will defend our daughter, by that time i have already said a few things, so i am not only the bad one but also wrong in my daughters eyes,
> to top it all after i tried to talk to my wife about it being wrong undermining m*e and she says she does not and that if i am that unhappy about it maybe we should separate!*
> i cannot do right for doing wrong.


pretty simple, divorce her. There is no way a person can have a relationship with someone who threatens to “separate” over something like this. You don’t have a wife, you have a user.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I thought this post was going to be about young children, not a 24 year old.

It sucks you and the wife can't agree on parenting rules but gosh I think that boat sailed years ago. Your daughter is 24 years old, your parenting job should be done, she should be on her own. 

Then your wife threatens separation. You know why? Not because of different parenting philosophies but because she would rather live with her adult child than you. You start holding your daughter responsible then she adults up and moves out, then what does mommy have left? Your wife doesn't want that to happen, she doesn't want to just be your wife or probably be married to you at all.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Cooper said:


> I thought this post was going to be about young children, not a 24 year old.
> 
> It sucks you and the wife can't agree on parenting rules but gosh I think that boat sailed years ago. Your daughter is 24 years old, your parenting job should be done, she should be on her own.
> 
> Then your wife threatens separation. You know why? Not because of different parenting philosophies but because she would rather live with her adult child than you. You start holding your daughter responsible then she adults up and moves out, then what does mommy have left? Your wife doesn't want that to happen, she doesn't want to just be your wife or probably be married to you at all.


Very interesting take on it @Cooper!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

probie said:


> hi there,
> my wife and i discussed privately that our eldest daughter is lazy and untidy to say the least, so when i started to say to our daughter that she needs to be much better she was not bothered so more things were said and my wife ended up siding with our daughter, afterwards i told my wife i was not happy about not backing me up and she thinks its no big deal and does not see a problem with it,
> i am getting more and more fed up with this keep happening
> 
> pete


Why not both of you go to a parenting class and get on the same page?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why not both of you go to a parenting class and get on the same page?


That sounds like a great idea, but how has this only come up now? We are talking about their 24 year old daughter. To me that sounds like they are probably close to being empty nest.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Why not both of you go to a parenting class and get on the same page?


Parenting class for a 24 year old????


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's only the eldest. There are others to consider.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's only the eldest. There are others to consider.


Good point, if and only if the other (others) children are young enough. If they're like > 18, I doubt it. Too late at that age.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Oh dude, no, not cool, you gotta present a united front. Even when one of us really sticks our foot in it with parenting, we pull each other aside privately to discuss it. We don't fight over parenting decisions in front of our kid, no no no, don't do that. It's bad for the marriage AND the child.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Not cool. Never undermine the other parent. Disagreements on parenting issues should be discussed away from the children.

Of course, the "child" in this instance is 24yo, a grown woman lol, so that ship has clearly sailed.

So glad you called your wife's bluff OP. That would have shocked the hell out of her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Agreed. Bravo OP for seeing an attorney. No way to have a marriage with this kind of disrespect and apathy toward you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

probie said:


> after i tried to talk to my wife about it being wrong undermining me and she says she does not and that if i am that unhappy about it *maybe we should separate*!


Okay, this is the real issue in my eyes, more so than the (adult) daughter. It sounds like you're not allowed to be unhappy about something. 

So, I'm a therapist, so I have a few questions. Forget for a moment about who's "right" or "wrong" about parenting. At 24 it's getting pretty late to parent the daughter anyway. 

How are you in this relationship? Do you _want_ to stay, or to separate? Has the subject ever come up before? Do you think your wife means it? Is your wife afraid that your daughter will, in fact, move out at some point? Answer each of those questions. And how was your wife parented? If you don't know, ask her about it. If you are in a place where the two of you can't have a conversation about something like that without losing it, you need help. 
And are you in the (bad) habit of talking quite a lot to her about your dissatisfactions with things? That kind of gets stale quickly. A few thoughts.



> i cannot do right for doing wrong.


I know that saying. And it makes her the judge of whether you're doing right or wrong.


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