# Unbalanced past



## kds (Dec 18, 2011)

I am sorry if this post turns into something long & rambling but I have no where else to go and no idea who to ask about this. I will do my best to explain everything as best as I can and hope that someone here may be able to help me and my relationship.

My (Catholic) fiancee was a virgin when I met him and I was not. In my past I made a lot of poor decisions involving drinking too much and having no self respect. He knows about those decisions now (he didn't when we first slept together - I didn't deliberately keep it from him, it just never came up and I don't bring it up because I regret my past and want to erase it all).

Now every day for us is a constant struggle. Any little thing can set him off thinking about my past and make him angry or upset. He gets to thinking about things and turns it into vivid imaginings of me with people from my past and gets even more worked up. He tells me quite frequently that he doesn't feel special and I haven't "saved" anything for him and he feels "empty and alone". He feels like he is just a number.

I don't know what to do any more. I love him and care about him in a way I've never felt for anyone else (and I can't explain it to him, I try to think of the words to say and I can't put a finger on how to say it. I've felt different with him since the moment I met him, the best I can summarize it as is that when I am with him everything feels right). I try to tell him things and he finds a way to turn every positive thing I say into "well you've felt that way before about someone else". He told me earlier tonight that basically he's in a lose-lose situation because if he leaves me he is going to be unhappy but that staying with me isn't any better. 

I just need some thoughts or suggestions or to know what happened with someone else who has been here before because this is killing me...


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

There are many posts here about men who continue to carry this grudge about what their wives did before they ever even met them - it is never a good thing. If he can't let it go...your in for a very unhappy marriage. Your past makes you who you are...and if he can't accept it and you, then its not really love. 

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been with this guy and how long ago did he find out about your past?

Remind him that he is driving you away. And that if you break up that he will now have a past. How would he feel about being treated as he is treating you?

I believe that what he is doing is abuse. If he did not have this to use against you he would find something else. There is only one reason that a person hangs on to an issues like this and uses it to emotionally beat up a partner.. it's to gain power over them.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

If your past is this big of a deal to him - why didn't he ask you if you were a virgin or how many partners you'd had before he shared his virginity with you? And you wrote that you didn't purposely keep this from him. I do not have experience with this situation, but reading your post, I'd say continue to keep your self-respect by not putting up with or pandering to this behavior. You're not a time traveller, there's nothing you can do about your past now and its cruel that he should try to make you feel bad about this. Sorry but he needs to deal with this himself. If you haven't mislead him, you have nothing to prove or say sorry about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your fiance had certain expectations of his fiancee/wife. Now that he knows that you do not meet that expectations, he's trying to readjust.

It's better for him to know now before marriage than after. There are a couple of threads on this website of husbands discovering their wife's secret past -- and the marriages are not going well.

I agree you cant change your past (obviously) and he's deciding if he can accept that. It'll take a while for him to do so, or it should because he has to undergo a fundamental shift.

I think for him to accept your past, he must be comfortable with it and that may involve him knowing more. And he need to believe that you have changed and regret your past - your actions will show him more than your words.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Given your past, have you gotten tested for a full panel of STDs, Hepatitis, etc? And disclosed to your fiance what permanent STD(s) you may have? For example, herpes, HPV?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I just don't get it. Been married 35 years and have never even considered who she may have been with before me. Why would I? She didn't even know me then. She had no responsibility to me then. All I care about is what she did after I came along and we made commitments to each other. Its an exercise in futility to even let these things cross your mind.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

My husband and I were both "experienced" before we got married, and made no secrets about it. We finally separated, but sexual jealousy was definitely not a factor in the break-up.

I remember my husband advising a friend who had just found out about his wife's past. He said, "It's not about her, it's about you. You can't stand the thought of other men laughing at you behind your back. But the truth is that when you lose a great sexual partner, and see her with the man she's finally chosen, you don't gloat about having 'got her first.' You wonder what that guy's got that you don't, and suffer thinking about how if what you got was fantastic, what he's getting must be absolutely mind-blowing." 

You can't erase your past, but you can give it a perspective. Are you open and honest about sexual matters? Try drawing out his fantasies and show him that his vivid imaginings about others aren't anything compared to what you'll do for him. My experience has been that men often lack sexual self-confidence and words don't help build it - you have to show them.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I never talked about my past boyfriends/husband with my current husband. We life for the future. What's in the past stays there. Your husband is acting very irrational. You might really benefit from MC. I agree with the above poster that his actions are abusive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StStephen65 (Dec 13, 2011)

kds said:


> I am sorry if this post turns into something long & rambling but I have no where else to go and no idea who to ask about this. I will do my best to explain everything as best as I can and hope that someone here may be able to help me and my relationship.
> 
> My (Catholic) fiancee was a virgin when I met him and I was not. In my past I made a lot of poor decisions involving drinking too much and having no self respect. He knows about those decisions now (he didn't when we first slept together - I didn't deliberately keep it from him, it just never came up and I don't bring it up because I regret my past and want to erase it all).
> 
> ...


Dump the insecure moron before you get married. If he's like this now it will only get worse and other insecurities will crop up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont really understand this post. If it was after you married I could but youre not married yet. He has done before marriage with you what you did with others. Being engaged is not being married. If he was not prepared to wait till marriage, he shouldnt have expected a virgin either.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I believe that people's sexual histories ARE important in shaping their sexuality (which is a very important part of who a person is). I don't think that it's healthy to ignore it and pretend nothing ever happened. For me, this is not intimacy.

The fact is that this is who you are and he needs to accept this very important part of you. You also need to accept this part of yourself. For most people, their sexual experiences are a combination of great, bad and everything in between (unfortunately some people also have some very painful and horrid ones). It would be very unfortunate if you are being forced to relegate your whole formative sexual history as 'mistakes' to fit with your husband's views on sexuality.

It's likely that his feelings on your past are complicated and may include a feeling that he missed out on sexual wild times himself (he may have seen many of his friends do it, you did it and he feels like everyone but him did it). Of course the obvious jealousy. He may also be intrigued by your history. His manhood may also feel threatened by it. The only way forward is to work through it with complete honesty, including your real feelings for your past.

He needs to see this as part of who you are and just a fact of life. You can't change it (nor should you be made to feel like you need to) nor can he change it. Help him to work through this and be patient but also be firm in your requirement that he does work toward accepting it and be careful not to apologize nor should you try to tell him what you think he wants to hear (e.g. it's all a mistake, you didn't enjoy any of it, etc).


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I would say that he needs a bit of a reality check. He sees you as damaged goods because you had the nerve to have sex with someone before him. Now, this would be acceptable back in the 40's or in a muslim country but not in this day and age. You need to start gaining some self respect because anyone with any self respect (and self esteem) whatsoever would not put up with this from any person.

Let him know that if he doesn't like you for who you are, then the door is right there and he can leave through it. And maybe direct him to the nunnery down the road. I hear there are lots of virgins there.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Do NOT marry this person. Run as fast as you can as this will ONLY get worse. His anger is nothing but an attempt to control you by using a past, a past which by the way you got away from and bettered from and instead of appreciating the person you have become now, he tosses this in you face. Lace up those Nike's and fly like the wind. This man doesn't deserve you at all nor do you deserve to be abused. Let this fine upstanding finger pointing man find someone who wears a halo as shiny as he does.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

kds said:


> I just need some thoughts or suggestions or to know what happened with someone else who has been here before because this is killing me...


Find a man who doesn`t have such unfounded hang-ups.

He`s not going to get past it, I`ve seen dozens of posts by and about these insecure men whose lives are "ruined" because their women had a life prior to them.

Find a real man.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

I am really puzzled by most of these posts.

My experience has been that insecurity about past lovers is one of the easiest things to deal with. If that was really the only problem with a man with whom otherwise everything was fantastic, I would pull up my sleeves and put the work in.

And just because a man doesn't have that particular hang-up doesn't mean he doesn't have other worse insecurities.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

If she's not comfortable with her own past, why do we expect him to be comfortable with it?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I always say that a woman should never let a man know how many people she has slept with, because men usually judge a woman harshly for having a past. 
If he cannot get past the fact that you are not a virgin, the marriage will not be happy. 
I was raised Catholic; the strict ones are often the most judgemental.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

and I agree with Susan. Many men struggle privately with this and many women hide their pasts with shame.

Perhaps FYD is correct that many men can't handle this but many can. The answer is not to hide this very important facet of one's sexuality. I can't imagine being married to someone and not knowing anything about their sex life prior to me. It's not just about 'the number' but about their experiences in general. There is clearly not one right answer for every couple but hiding important aspects to one's past (i.e. their formative sexuality) or treating it as taboo territory doesn't seem very healthy to me.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It is one thing to share experiences, quite another to be specific about the number. I agree with your words about the importance of sharing formative aspects of our sexual pasts.

My husband knows that I went through a promiscuous phase, but he only found that out through a series of events. I was mortified when he found out because I thought he would judge me like most of the men I have been around. 

Thankfully, my husband feels happy that he "tamed a vixen" and he loves reaping the benefits of my single life. :smthumbup:


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## Randy52 (Oct 15, 2011)

My wife's sexual past includes 2 ex husbands and quite a number of other boyfriends with whom she was intimate. I was aware of her past before we got heavily involved. After 16 years together (10 married), I must say that she is THE best sexual partner I could ever imagine. I am grateful to each guy she was with because of all the experience she gained that I am now the proud beneficiary of. Her past does not bother me one bit.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> It is one thing to share experiences, quite another to be specific about the number.


While it's not all about just 'the number', I think it is strange to hide 'the number' from a spouse. I know that my wife and her friends (with multiple groups of friends) have all shared their 'numbers' on girls' nights out. Apparently they find it interesting and it's part of getting to know their friends better. It's a curiosity.

To hide this from a spouse because it is too taboo to talk about doesn't seem healthy to me. How can you be truly intimate if you are hiding something like this? If you can't even share basic information about your sexuality because one or both of you can't handle it? You can care about and be interested in your spouses past without condemning it or getting weird about it. It is what it is. We need to accept it, not cower from it or ignore it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Your man is a coward. A man loves you not in spite of your past but because of what your past has made you.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

It was never taboo, just private. You may think it is strange not to share my number with anyone, but I simply prefer to keep this to myself. Nobody needs to know except me.

My husband is well aware that I went through my slag phase and that is more than enough for both of us. He never condemns me for it, so I am not sure where you got that from.

Our marriage is healthy and happy, thanks. You can repeatedly say that it doesn't seem healthy to you, but that will not change our reality. We are confident in our level of intimacy without feeling the need to share *everything*. It is part of maintaining some individuality and interdependence. 

We have shared information that pertains to our sexual health, such as STI's or gynecological issues.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

couple said:


> While it's not all about just 'the number', I think it is strange to hide 'the number' from a spouse....
> 
> To hide this from a spouse because it is too taboo to talk about doesn't seem healthy to me. How can you be truly intimate if you are hiding something like this? If you can't even share basic information about your sexuality because one or both of you can't handle it? You can care about and be interested in your spouses past without condemning it or getting weird about it. It is what it is. We need to accept it, not cower from it or ignore it.


My wife doesn`t know my "number" either nor I hers.

We both have a pretty good idea of what our sexual histories were.

I don`t see why an exact number is relevant.

If she asked I`d answer, I just don`t see her ever even considering it.
I think she`d rather not know.



What`s unhealthy is obsessing over such stuff..


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband knows that I went through a promiscuous phase, but he only found that out through a series of events. I was mortified when he found out because I thought he would judge me like most of the men I have been around.


This is what I have a problem with. I don't think anyone needs to set exacting rules of disclosure, but I would have a hard time thinking about a serious relationship with anyone with whom I could not disclose all. Maybe it would then take some working through, but I would never want to be with someone who didn't know at least everything about me that he would want to. There should be no need for fearing "mortification."

I always felt that you're not keeping secrets if you honestly believe he wouldn't care, but that you are keeping secrets if you even suspect that he would.



Runs like Dog said:


> Your man is a coward. A man loves you not in spite of your past but because of what your past has made you.


Some day I will no longer be flawed and can make comments like that too.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

susan71 said:


> This is what I have a problem with. I don't think anyone needs to set exacting rules of disclosure, but I would have a hard time thinking about a serious relationship with anyone with whom I could not disclose all. Maybe it would then take some working through, but I would never want to be with someone who didn't know at least everything about me that he would want to. There should be no need for fearing "mortification."
> 
> I always felt that you're not keeping secrets if you honestly believe he wouldn't care, but that you are keeping secrets if you even suspect that he would.
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I understand what you are taking an issue with.

I know I made it very clear that most men have judged me for being sexually experienced. I also shared my husband's POV. :scratchhead: I was embarrassed because of past reactions, not because of my open minded and compassionate husband.

I find it rather annoying when people insist that they know the origin of MY beliefs. I don't really care why YOU think I hid my past, because only_ I_ can truly know why I do certain things. It is rather arrogant to behave as though you live in someone else's head.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

kds,

What exactly are his concerns about your past? Admittedly you had a wild phase but if that time is over I'm not sure how that impacts your current relationship with him. Maybe he thinks that you will compare him with other men. Maybe he's worried that you will revert to your former wild child persona. If that is the case you need to reassure him that he is the center of your universe. Let him know that your past was devoid of feeling and that you were trying to fill a hole in the wrong ways. Let him know that since he came along that hole is filled to overflowing and you love him beyond your ability to put into words. Tell him in no uncertain terms that not only does he measure up but he is so much more of a man than anyone you've ever met that you would have to learn to fly to reach the pinnacle of your love for him.

Maybe that is a little too sickeningly sweet for you but you get the picture.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would guess he has some strong sexual toxic shame. If he can't get over it, it will continue to be a problem in a number of ways. How can he get over it? He needs to understand that people are sexual, women enjoy sex, and it is not dirty or wrong. He has to learn to believe that sex is normal and healthy.

He probably has some self image problems, possibly feeling sexually inferior. It may not be that he sees the OP as defiled, but sees himself as less experienced and thus less desirable to her.

As to telling all to your spouse, I think it is important that it be possible. If your spouse doesn't care to know, he/she won't ask. They have the right to make whatever judgment about the information they want, even if we don't agree with it.

Our sexual histories are an important part of who we are and why. Hiding it is tantamount to pretending to be something we are not.

If I were to find out my wife's number were not what she told me, I would feel that she perpetrated a very significant lie. The lie is worse than the information being concealed. To me it is an issue of being fully honest with one's spouse.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> I'm not sure I understand what you are taking an issue with.
> 
> I know I made it very clear that most men have judged me for being sexually experienced. I also shared my husband's POV. I was embarrassed because of past reactions, not because of my open minded and compassionate husband.
> 
> I find it rather annoying when people insist that they know the origin of MY beliefs. I don't really care why YOU think I hid my past, because only I can truly know why I do certain things. It is rather arrogant to behave as though you live in someone else's head.


I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, only saying that I would feel differently in my own relationships. It's a different point-of-view for the OP to consider, in much the same way that some are saying "I would dump him immediately" and I'm saying, "I wouldn't."


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> It was never taboo, just private. You may think it is strange not to share my number with anyone, but I simply prefer to keep this to myself. Nobody needs to know except me.
> 
> My husband is well aware that I went through my slag phase and that is more than enough for both of us. He never condemns me for it, so I am not sure where you got that from.
> 
> ...



I was responding to your post but I never said that YOUR spouse condemns you for it. I was adding some generalities that I did not necessarily attribute to your marriage. Indeed we all need to do what is right in our relationships and I (and others) are just giving our own views and what works for us. In this and other posts like this there seems to be a vocal majority (you excluded) who feel that the 'past is the past', people are better off not sharing their sexual histories and the whole area should be avoided with a spouse. What I was trying to say is that sexual history DOES matter as it is an important part of who a person is. This doesn't mean that I have a problem with a lot of history. Like I said, it is what it is - just like the rest of your partner's past life. Perhaps conventional logic says that this area is taboo and to be avoided but I and others here are sharing a different perspective on this. In fact, you are not in the camp of staying silent on sexual history so we don't completely disagree.

If sharing history, numbers, etc causes problems in a relationship, then don't do it. My point is that if it does cause a problem, then this is a weakness in the relationship.

I agree with Thor in that a woman's past need not be shared as if it were all 'mistakes' and 'emptiness' (in other words - 'wrong'). Women should be able to share the good as well as the bad and not be ashamed that they had sex with others and (god forbid) they enjoyed it. When my wife initially shared her history with me, she did the default thing and talked about the experiences as if they were all big mistakes. Over time she had the comfort with me to be more truthful that although the sex was sometimes not in the ideal situations (not within loving respectful relationships, alcohol involved, pressured, risky, etc) most of it was physically enjoyable and exciting. I think many people have mixed feelings about their pasts and I think that most people feel that their own pasts are important parts of who they are.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I don't think it's right to hold someone's past over their head, however sometimes someones past come back to affect them 5, 10, 15 years into a marriage. In the case of my wife and I, she had 1 partner prior to me and only did it half a dozen times. I was a virgin when I met her. The night the subject came up I was somewhat disappointed because I had a feeling where our relationship was heading  . I had opportunities before her and never took them, just didn't feel right. Never really thought much about her limited past after that.

Fast forward, after 10 years marriage(now 13yrs), many years sex only a few times year we started discovering or sex lives again. As things improved and we opened up more to each other her history became a slight issue to me. I never made her feel bad and only brought it up twice but I needed some closure and had to talk to her about it. One night several months ago I finally told what I had been feeling tha last several years. That it made me sad that a sacred as marriage and sex between two people was, sex was something that will never have been just between the two of us. She and I have the same beliefs and moral values however what's done is done and once I told her that we talked and cryed. What a relief to be able to tell her that. Can't change the past and shouldn't hold someone's past over them, just funny how these things come up years later sometimes.

This was not an easy thing to tell my wife, however it makes me appreciate the level of trust and love we have that I could bring this up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Ask him to read the Lord's Prayer, especially the line that says, "...forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors."


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I once had a man sneer at me and call me a "sex professional" (another term for hooker). Of course, his member was the size of a baby carrot and this poor man was sexually awkward...such a bad lover. He could tell that I knew a lot about sex and it made him insecure. 

Hope he found a woman that likes 'em very small.

Just an example of why some women keep their sexual pasts or experiences to themselves. We are afraid of being judged. Nobody ever judges a man for having slept with many women.


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## kds (Dec 18, 2011)

aug said:


> Given your past, have you gotten tested for a full panel of STDs, Hepatitis, etc? And disclosed to your fiance what permanent STD(s) you may have? For example, herpes, HPV?


Yes, I just (within the past month) got a full STD panel (not my first) to "prove" to him what I already knew (that I am STD free). The only one they didn't test for was HPV because they don't do pap smears & that is just about the only way to test for HPV so I am going to ask my regular doctor to do so at my next yearly.


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## kds (Dec 18, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> kds,
> 
> What exactly are his concerns about your past? Admittedly you had a wild phase but if that time is over I'm not sure how that impacts your current relationship with him. Maybe he thinks that you will compare him with other men. Maybe he's worried that you will revert to your former wild child persona. If that is the case you need to reassure him that he is the center of your universe. Let him know that your past was devoid of feeling and that you were trying to fill a hole in the wrong ways. Let him know that since he came along that hole is filled to overflowing and you love him beyond your ability to put into words. Tell him in no uncertain terms that not only does he measure up but he is so much more of a man than anyone you've ever met that you would have to learn to fly to reach the pinnacle of your love for him.
> 
> Maybe that is a little too sickeningly sweet for you but you get the picture.


The thing is, I tell him things like this all the time. I tell him that I never compare him to others and that I am giving my future to him. Anytime I tell him anything he basically rolls his eyes at me then tells me that since I would have given it to an ex if they hadn't left me that basically its not good enough. He wants to know what I can give him that I have never given anyone else. If I say "my future" he says "you would have given that to other people if they'd have let you" then gets pissed. I just don't know anymore...

This is so hard for me because I don't want to feel like he's miserable every day because of me. I go through phases where my anxiety is so bad I have chest pains and can't eat for days. I am just really concerned about the whole situation. He's basically told me he thinks about this stuff every single day and that when it seems like we are having a good day its because he just doesn't say anything to me.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

kds said:


> The thing is, I tell him things like this all the time. I tell him that I never compare him to others and that I am giving my future to him. Anytime I tell him anything he basically rolls his eyes at me then tells me that since I would have given it to an ex if they hadn't left me that basically its not good enough. He wants to know what I can give him that I have never given anyone else. If I say "my future" he says "you would have given that to other people if they'd have let you" then gets pissed. I just don't know anymore...
> 
> This is so hard for me because I don't want to feel like he's miserable every day because of me. I go through phases where my anxiety is so bad I have chest pains and can't eat for days. I am just really concerned about the whole situation. He's basically told me he thinks about this stuff every single day and that when it seems like we are having a good day its because he just doesn't say anything to me.


Have you asked him what he wants that will be exclusively between you both? While my wife had a lot more sexual experience than I did she has always told me that I was the only one she felt anything for. She told me that while she had sex with other men I am the only one who has ever given her an orgasm. Personally I think giving him your future is nothing to sneeze at.

In our case my wife has told me in detail her sexual experiences with other men. Together as a couple we have worked very hard to make sure that our experiences together are more memorable than those between her and any other men. And there are some particular aspects of sex that she has only had with me. We make sure to revisit those exclusive situations periodically and we both know that they belong totally to us and us alone.

See of you can talk with him and see if there is something that you can both do together that is "just between you." Bottom line is that he needs to be able to tell you how he's feeling and what he is expecting if you are to make him feel special in some way. If he can't express those feelings maybe the two of you can do some premarital counseling so that you can both share those feelings and develop a dialog that will carry over into marriage.


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