# Is there anyway to care about her feelings again?



## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

Alright long story short. Married 5 years, 4 year old little girl. We went through 6 months of a divorce and ended up calling it off and staying together. For me it was because I didn't want to be a weekend dad and financially it was killing me and I really missed my wife. Now, she's been back for about 6 months and things are starting to fall apart again. 

Thing is, I don't care about her feelings anymore. I dated a little bit when we were separated. Kept everything PG, so thats not too much of issue. In fact she is even friends with the one girl i spent a lot time with, and I was and have been completely honest with everything. She dated someone too.

I care about my friends more than I care about my wife. Because of the mistakes she made during our divorce proceedings, etc. she wouldn't play that game again anytime soon. 

I try to tell her that I don't care anymore because I feel like she is just more mature than I am and I just want to enjoy life and have fun and not worry about anything and just be happy. She is just typical 30 year old Mom, constantly worried about our daughter, worried about what other people think, worried about aging, worried, worried, worried. Nagging, complaining, always tired. Pretty much just your average housewife.

I just turn it off, and look forward to spending time with my single friends. I don't have any friends who are married. Married Women(thats just completely pointless) and married Men just ***** about work and their wives and thats no fun.

She can be pissed off at me for staying out late or not doing somethinig, but i just don't care. Why? I want to care. I want to love her and do all the things to make her happy, but it doesn't work. She is not happy and blames herself for everything that is wrong is this world(comes from years of guilt abuse from her mother). The compatibility is gone...were growing apart.

She would say i'm not growing at all and that I stopped getting old right around age 12. And she would be right for the most part. I am immature to some extent but im also really successful and my personality has gotten me this far. Served my country in the Marines, Purple heart Veteran, Make 6 figures a year, no college degree, good shape, high self esteem, christian. Daughter is beautiful, smart, funny and the envy of everybody. Everything but my relationship with my wife is close to perfect.

But i don't care about my wife or how she feels anymore...Why? please help?


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## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

Hi jj

to put it bluntly - your wife is secretly begging for you to be her man. To show her that despite all her worrying (about aging, her daughter, etc) you love her no matter WHAT.

Do you think you're experiencing some kind of learned helplessness with her? You don't know HOW to make her happy, or feel like CAN'T make her happy?

I understand that there are many things she's probably not giving you as well. But I'm giving advice to you alone here, to please don't get your back up on me for that. 

Really though, for most women, the thought of aging is like death. Women like to feel radiant and beautiful. Think about what life might be like from her perspective. I guarantee that if she felt secure in your love, you wouldn't have this problem.

I do feel though,that she has lost hope and stopped expecting much from life. Would you be inspired by this? Not to mention you already said so yourself that she experienced many years of abuse.

She's waiting for someone to love her no matter what - and to give to her in a way that she wasn't given to in her childhood, through the years of abuse.

And as for her (if I had to give her advice, that is) - she needs to look at things from your perspective. You feel let down and unhappy in your marriage.

She should make things fun for you. She should stop focusing on herself so much (with the worries, etc) - and start giving to you, too.

Ultimately, any successful relationship starts with giving.

Most people go in to a relationship looking to GET something from their spouse. But to be truly happy, ecstatic and fulfilled, each spouse has to start by giving to the other. 

And not just giving for the sake of it, but giving in a way that their SPOUSE can perceive value. Not just giving what YOU think might be suitable.

Anyway, enough of my rant. Hope that is somewhat helpful!

Many blessings to you.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

flatterpuss said:


> Hi jj
> I guarantee that if she felt secure in your love, you wouldn't have this problem.
> 
> I do feel though,that she has lost hope and stopped expecting much from life. Would you be inspired by this? Not to mention you already said so yourself that she experienced many years of abuse.
> ...


Youre right. I being selfish and turning her off because I'm not recieving anything from her. 

as far as her abuse goes it was the unnoticed kind. She is an only child whose mother lost her father around 12 or 13 and thats probably where it all started. Her Mom never understood the value of a father/husband during her teens and when she became a mother she more or less outed my wife's father. Never letting him spend time with her alone growing up, putting all her focus on her daughter and after the divorce making her feel guilty for spending time with her father and "leaving" her mother. If her Mother had it her way, my wife and my daughter would be living at her house with the pushover of a stepfather never seeing me again. 

The reason i mention that is because I think my wife is trying to not repeat history but is still going down that path. She gets all the unconditional love she can handle from all daughter. For example: 4 years old still sleeps in our bed most nights. honestly the bed sharing doesnt really bother me. It wont last much longer. 

It's like its a cycle. She doesn't desire any unconditional love from me because she takes so much from our daughter and she gets so much from our daughter because i don't give her any unconditional love. Sometimes I feel like im married to a single mother. 

In her defense she did really piss off her mom calling off the divorce. I'm still an evil, controlling, manipulative ass as far as her mom is concerned and she will probably never speak to me again. Which is a whole other problem.

i want to love my wife again, but i don't know how. on the surface she doesn't seem to want my love or desire my affection( we still have sex, but it seems like she is just doing to please me), and i make it worse by not caring anymore.

in 5 years we have never been on one vacation just the two of us, ive tried but the thought of leaving our daughter and how upset my 4 year old might be without her mommy for a few days has always been too much for her to handle.....ugh


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

jj224, you don't say in your posts how old you are. But I'm assuming somewhere in your 30's. Let me know if I am misunderstanding your post but it sounds like you want a carefree lifestyle of someone in their early 20's? Partying, doing things just for yourself and focusing on fun. 

To put it bluntly you made your bed, now you have to lay in it. No one forced you to marry and no one forced you to have a child. Once you did both of those things you gave up your right to live worry free, stress free partying life. You have responsibilities to your wife and your child that come first before partying.

From what I am reading she is wanting you to grow up and be a man and you are wanting to stay like a kid. Possibly you may need to look more at the log that is in your eye rather then focusing on the splinter that is in your wife's eye.

There is nothing wrong with having a bit of fun when your married but it does have to be tempered with responsibility. Your wife may be stressed and worried all of the time because she may feel she's the only grownup in the relationship. 

So do you honestly want the relationship to work? You need to work on yourself realizing that you have to step up to responsibilities. You need to realize your families needs come FIRST before your own. You need to work with your wife to show her that you are ready to change and work with her as a partner. Maybe when that happens she will be more willing to have a bit more fun because the stress will be lifted off of her.

Or, you can take the easy way out, focus on yourself and live your life that way. Your choice.


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## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

jj224 said:


> Youre right. I being selfish and turning her off because I'm not recieving anything from her.
> 
> as far as her abuse goes it was the unnoticed kind. She is an only child whose mother lost her father around 12 or 13 and thats probably where it all started. Her Mom never understood the value of a father/husband during her teens and when she became a mother she more or less outed my wife's father. Never letting him spend time with her alone growing up, putting all her focus on her daughter and after the divorce making her feel guilty for spending time with her father and "leaving" her mother. If her Mother had it her way, my wife and my daughter would be living at her house with the pushover of a stepfather never seeing me again.



jj, you've just brought up another great point. Another big problem is when mothers turn to their children for unconditional love. This really must be so hard on you. A lot of mothers do this, but it's futile - eventually, the child will grow up and leave, and you will be left with each other (your spouse).

That's why, even though I'm only in my 20s, my man is mroe important to me than children - and Id rather fulfill his needs and never have children than have children and fall madly in love with them and forget about my man.

It's a danger for many women. 

And no wonder so many men cheat as well - they feel like they cannot compete with their woman's attention for their child!!

Do you think you resent her (or the situation) because of this? Because you'd like more attention from her? 

You sound like a good guy anyway jj.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

flatterpuss said:


> Do you think you resent her (or the situation) because of this? Because you'd like more attention from her?


I don't resent her because of it but it pushes me further away. I feel sorry for her because I know our daughter will leave and she will end up feeling alone.



Crypsys said:


> So do you honestly want the relationship to work? You need to work on yourself realizing that you have to step up to responsibilities. You need to realize your families needs come FIRST before your own. You need to work with your wife to show her that you are ready to change and work with her as a partner. Maybe when that happens she will be more willing to have a bit more fun because the stress will be lifted off of her.
> .


Don't even go there. I'm a wonderful father and while i don't pretend to have feeling for my wife that aren't there, i respect her and I am faithful. I am very responsible, just indifferent over how her mood is.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You really don't sound like you like let alone love your wife. She is concerned about your child and you talk about it like it is a bad thing. Shouldn't she be the concerned mother? Would you rather her not care about your daughter at all? You state that you tune her out and only think about being with your single friends. You make a special point to mention that the married men in your life are boring because all they talk about are their families. It does sound like you don't want to grow up. Yes, you have done wonderful things career wise but emotionally it seems like you stopped growing. This is your wife. The person as a Christian you stood before God to love, honor and respect. It doesn't sound like you are doing any of this. Can I ask you an honest question? Do you deep down have resentment for women? I am not trying to ruffle any feathers, it is an honest question that hopefully you will explore. The reason I ask this is because your post seems rife with anger towards women. You mention "typical 30 year old Mom, constantly worried about our daughter, worried about what other people think, worried about aging, worried, worried, worried. Nagging, complaining, always tired. Pretty much just your average housewife". When you mention that she is typical it sounds like you believe that all married women are this way. Why? What has happened to make you feel this way?


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## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

Brennan said:


> You really don't sound like you like let alone love your wife. She is concerned about your child and you talk about it like it is a bad thing. Shouldn't she be the concerned mother? Would you rather her not care about your daughter at all? You state that you tune her out and only think about being with your single friends. You make a special point to mention that the married men in your life are boring because all they talk about are their families. It does sound like you don't want to grow up. Yes, you have done wonderful things career wise but emotionally it seems like you stopped growing. This is your wife. The person as a Christian you stood before God to love, honor and respect. It doesn't sound like you are doing any of this. Can I ask you an honest question? Do you deep down have resentment for women? I am not trying to ruffle any feathers, it is an honest question that hopefully you will explore. The reason I ask this is because your post seems rife with anger towards women. You mention "typical 30 year old Mom, constantly worried about our daughter, worried about what other people think, worried about aging, worried, worried, worried. Nagging, complaining, always tired. Pretty much just your average housewife". When you mention that she is typical it sounds like you believe that all married women are this way. Why? What has happened to make you feel this way?



Brennan: that's not going to help him. I don't think he came here to be told he doesn't want to grow up.

It's not so much about "growing up" as it is to find a compelling REASON to stay in a committed relationship. I feel like jj is actually being misunderstood, and I feel like his WIFE probably feels that way, too!

As a woman, I have come to understand that more than anything, men have a need for freedom. This doesn't mean that they cannot commit - BUT what man would want to commit to a relationship that he is not fulfilled in??

Take this article for example, on why men won't commit: 

Why Men Won’t Commit - The Feminine Woman - Rediscovering Femininity

jj has been humble and honest in response to the advice I have given him, and he shows that he IS interested in making a change in his marriage.

by the way, jj I actually don't doubt that you do love your wife.

The only problem is, that you AND your wife both deserve each other and the situation you're in right now, because you're both being selfish. You both need to step up and set a new standard for your relationship so that you can be fulfilled.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

many good pts/insights here.

i'll only add this idea for u to contemplate, jj.

if u r accurate in yer abusement assessment of her,

then u need to understand there are many spin offs

from that MAJOR trauma in her life. NAMELY, fear

of abandonment issues. Many a negative person 

are this way, not because they are trying to be

elected president of the VFW or some such, but

because they have said trauma(s) in their childhood.

if u r truly christian u must understand all this 

portends, and care for her, for it would be like u 

rejecting her for being an amputee or quadriplegic.

see yer pastor, somebody, cuz it sounds like u may

not be up to doing this on yer own.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Flatterpuss,
He mentioned that his wife told him he didn't want to grow up emotionally at the age of 12 and he said he agreed with her. I wasn't the one who stated he didn't want to grow up. She/He did. Others mentioned that his wife might feel like the only grown up in the relationship. He himself stated that it bothered him that she cared so much for their child. He wants to live the life of Riley with no responsibility whatsoever. Wants to hang out with single guys because married guys are boring only talking about their families. When he talked about why they got back together he mentioned in this order his list of reasons. 1. He didn't want to be a weekend Dad. 2. Financially it was killing him. 3. He missed his wife. His WIFE was last on his list of reasons. He doesn't want to be married he just doesn't want to look like the bad guy and have his wallet emptied. His wife deserves better than this.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

.


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## jj224 (May 27, 2010)

WOW! You guys are all right. Everyone one of your has really been insightful. 

I've really been thinking a lot about the resentment of women. 

A little background on myself and my views(please understand that this is probably 10 pages of info that im trying to fit in one post, so cut me some slack if it seems a little rushed)


Grew up in a house with two older sisters and a very overprotective Mother. When I was growing up around the age of 11 or 12 I was abused by my 16 year old sister. She took advantage of me entering puberty. What kind of impact it had on me is still unclear. I talked about it with different people, therapist, counselors, etc. The general consensus has always been I'm fine , and stable. 

So do I resent women? I don't know. 

Right around the same time growing up, I made promises to myself that I would never be like my parents? My Dad could yell at you like no one else, and my mother always treated us like we were second class citizens and couldn't understand anything or make our own decisions. Used the phrase, "youll understand when your older" . So I made a promise to myself. That I would never yell at my kids and that I would trust them and understand them. I have kept this promise. I never understood! I have not become a "grown-up", so to speak. 

I do not necesarrily want to change this about myself. I love myself and believe that you might have to age but you don't have to get older. I have been able to keep this true, while other people get older and fall into the same routine and let life pass them by, I don't. I am confident that having a positive outlook on life and putting my faith in God and giving him all my worries, that everything else will be taken care. 

I am happy but my Wife isnt, and I desperately want her to be. I used to try all the time to make her happy, but at the same time I believe no one else can make you happy but yourself, so I failed time and time again. I want her to feel the Joy I have for life and the freedom I feel. I just want her to believe and put her heart into the Lord and let him take her burdens as He has taken mine. Meanwhile its hard to care because I can only influence her, I cannot control her. But she thinks I'm a nut, for feeling the way about life that I feel. That basically choosing not to worry. When we were kids we thought we had it all figured out that life was easy. I have learned that life isn't easy. I wouldn't be on a marrital help forum if I had it all figured out, but for the most part I still feel that way, that I wasn't wrong for feeling that way as a child, that I know I don't have it all figured out but I have that sense that life is meant to be fun.


We see the world through different lenses.


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## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

thanks for clarifying Brennan.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

yes jj, life does have SOME fun to it.

"u got to laugh alittle, cry alittle....thats the story of, thats the
glory of love"---bette midler(most recent)


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Hey jj...same boat as far as wanting to love my wife again..maybe I should rephrase that..I want to feel the passion for her again..to be able to desire her...I myself am really scared I won't be able to do it even for my 9 and 11 yr old daughters..since my separation I see the reasons for the break..I am trying to get that 'feeling' back and after 2 mos..all I have is the want...and I really love her as a person:scratchhead:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

JJ,
I made the exact same promise you did about never being like your parents. I was abused as well and I have never repeated the pattern with our children. In fact, my parents have never even met our youngest son and he is 12. A choice I made years ago based on the choices they made as parents themselves. 
The impact of you being abused by your older sister has a HUGE impact on you. Having an overbearing Mother has a HUGE impact on you. Having a Father who yelled at you like that has a HUGE impact on you. My God, you have been through the childhood ringer. Nothing and nobody was safe in your home. I would STRONGLY recommend counseling for you. 
Becomming a grown up isn't about giving up your child like qualities. Maintaining your inner passion and things you love are so important! Heck, I am 38 and I still sing as loud as possible in the car by myself, my favorite band is Linkin Park (again, I am 38) and every time it rains here in Texas (which is often), I go outside and just dance around to my inner beat, coming inside soaking wet. Does that make me not a grown up? No. The difference is that I have a responsibility to the person I married 17 years ago to be there for him and for our children. I care about his feelings, wants and desires just as he does for me. He knows I love to dance in the rain and adores that part of me. I adore the part of him that needs to quote every line from every Monty Python movie ever made. That was something fun in his childhood. Or his need to blare RUSH as loud as humanly possible. It is about compromise. Growing up doesn't mean sacrificing yourself for someone else but rather finding a healthy balance.
Life can be really easy. It's all the bull**** that we conjure up that makes it hard.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

A walkaway husband. Fascinating.


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