# still hoping for that breakthrough



## worriedwithfear (Sep 3, 2017)

I’m almost 40 years old now and I am hitting a real anxiety low point as I am fast approaching middle age. I am starting to panic around two central life issues – relationship/marriage and career/work.
Been single for more than 6 years now. My last relationship which was only a few months I had to endure psychological abuse and in the previous one which lasted almost a year, significant gaslighting and more manipulation/abuse. Before this, when I was younger in my 20s I had a couple of relationships which were a little more positive but they didn’t work out in the end. I have phases where I go through huge disappointment and frustration but then other times where I am distracted enough to feel calmer and more in control of the situation. What does help is that I still manage to go on dates, so I am still getting matches on dating apps and through online dating and in my life, goodness knows how many dates I’ve been on. I’m not white and am bald so that does not help my case but I am 6”2, so at least that works in my favour. I’m not a bad looking guy but no question I would have more attention if I had hair. Most of these dates always go fairly well, I’ve never had a disaster or anything like that but there always seems to be something missing – either there is a lack of connection, no physical attraction or not enough in common. I guess it is difficult finding those three aspects but I’ve kept trying and will continue to do so as I keep hoping that eventually that breakthrough will come. Most instances have been where both myself and the woman I was dating/went on a date with weren't feeling it mutually so nothing further happened. A few times, I've had them interested in me but I'm not into them and only on one occasion in the recent past I would say, where I was the one who was very interested in this lady I was dating for about a month, only for her to call it off. Something is going on here, the common denominator is me afterall. Is it just not meant to be, will love/marriage/children never be a reality for me? I am willing to accept that reality but then I have this God given desire for those very things. I am starting to panic thinking about the future. 


The only time I find myself with a girlfriend is in my dreams, literally. For a moment overnight, I will have a dream where I will be in a relationship, connecting with a woman in that way, only to wake up and realise what is a reality for millions of everyday people, is still only a mere fantasy for me.
My struggle with work and career is also starting to stress me out as I’ve got older. I can’t say that I have a set career. I have a college/university BA degree which is from a good university but it wasn’t vocational. My parents always encouraged me to get qualified in something vocational throughout my 20s and early 30s but I just never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be. I still don’t to a large extent but the difference is now I realise, as a man approaching middle age, I should have specialised in something. I regret this. Both my father and brother are medical doctors so even though there was never any direct pressure from my family to follow that path, I always had that internal pressure, knowing that I had to have a profession of similar status like a banker, lawyer, pilot etc. In the end, all I’ve done a series of casual jobs over many years, long periods out of work and just generally drifted through as time has passed by. I finally decided to commit to one job, it’s like a hybrid manager role and it’s reasonably well paid job that I’ve been doing this now for more than four years but it’s more or less just glorified admin. There are some nice perks (like travel, people are nice/friendly) but it is not fulfilling or interesting to me. So I need a new opportunity but have no idea what my next step is. Is it too late to retrain and start something over, doing something completely different? I guess not but it’s far more difficult to work through.
There is far more I can expand on with my situation but I can’t shake the sense of disappointment and failure when I look back on my life so far. If I had proceeded with a vocational degree of some kind, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this position. Maybe I would have attracted more women as a result having had more status and value as a man. I’m grateful that at least I do have a job (even if it’s not a career per se) when so many others don’t, and I do have my own property which is definitely an asset especially in a big city where I live. And also for now at least, financially I’m doing fine. I’ve had plenty of therapy and counselling over the years but I’m still am left with this sense of panic and feeling like a loser for the lack of achievement and for my persistent singleness.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Damn…. Want to trade? I’ll take all that freedom off your hands if you like. Wonder around not beholden to anyone or anything… yeah sign me up. You should take casual dating as a blessing. I figure my two kids cost me about $700k to get them where they both are today.

Tinder your way through life and count your good fortune. Miserable men are a dime a dozen…. You ain’t one of them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

worriedwithfear said:


> I’m almost 40 years old now and I am hitting a real anxiety low point as I am fast approaching middle age. I am starting to panic around two central life issues – relationship/marriage and career/work.
> Been single for more than 6 years now. My last relationship which was only a few months I had to endure psychological abuse and in the previous one which lasted almost a year, significant gaslighting and more manipulation/abuse. Before this, when I was younger in my 20s I had a couple of relationships which were a little more positive but they didn’t work out in the end. I have phases where I go through huge disappointment and frustration but then other times where I am distracted enough to feel calmer and more in control of the situation. What does help is that I still manage to go on dates, so I am still getting matches on dating apps and through online dating and in my life, goodness knows how many dates I’ve been on. I’m not white and am bald so that does not help my case but I am 6”2, so at least that works in my favour. I’m not a bad looking guy but no question I would have more attention if I had hair. Most of these dates always go fairly well, I’ve never had a disaster or anything like that but there always seems to be something missing – either there is a lack of connection, no physical attraction or not enough in common. I guess it is difficult finding those three aspects but I’ve kept trying and will continue to do so as I keep hoping that eventually that breakthrough will come. Most instances have been where both myself and the woman I was dating/went on a date with weren't feeling it mutually so nothing happened. A few times, I've had them interested in me but I'm not into them and only on one occasion in the recent past I would say, where I was the one who was very interested in this lady I was dating for about a month, only for her to call it off. Something is going on here, the common denominator is me afterall. Is it just not meant to be, will love/marriage/children never be a reality for me? I am willing to accept that reality but then I have this God given desire for those very things.
> The only time I find myself with a girlfriend is in my dreams, literally. For a moment overnight, I will have a dream where I will be in a relationship, connecting with a woman in that way, only to wake up and realise what is a reality for millions of everyday people, is still only a mere fantasy for me.
> My struggle with work and career is also starting to stress me out as I’ve got older. I can’t say that I have a set career. I have a college/university BA degree which is from a good university but it wasn’t vocational. My parents always encouraged me to get qualified in something vocational throughout my 20s and early 30s but I just never knew what I wanted to do or what I wanted to be. I still don’t to a large extent but the difference is now I realise, as a man approaching middle age, I should have specialised in something. I regret this. Both my father and brother are medical doctors so even though there was never any direct pressure from my family to follow that path, I always had that internal pressure, knowing that I had to have a profession of similar status like a banker, lawyer, pilot etc. In the end, all I’ve done a series of casual jobs over many years, long periods out of work and just generally drifted through as time has passed by. I finally decided to commit to one job, it’s like a hybrid manager role and it’s reasonably well paid job that I’ve been doing this now for more than four years but it’s more or less just glorified admin. There are some nice perks (like travel, people are nice/friendly) but it is not fulfilling or interesting to me. So I need a new opportunity but have no idea what my next step is. Is it too late to retrain and start something over, doing something completely different? I guess not but it’s far more difficult to work through.
> There is far more I can expand on with my situation but I can’t shake the sense of disappointment and failure when I look back on my life so far. If I had proceeded with a vocational degree of some kind, perhaps I wouldn’t be in this position. Maybe I would have attracted more women as a result having had more status and value as a man. I’m grateful that at least I do have a job (even if it’s not a career per se) when so many others don’t, and I do have my own property which is definitely an asset especially in a big city where I live. And also for now at least, financially I’m doing fine. I’ve had plenty of therapy and counselling over the years but I’m still am left with this sense of panic and feeling like a loser for the lack of achievement and for my persistent singleness.


If you are not happy with your education, there is no shame in going back to school. You could do evening and/or weekend classes. You could even see if your employer offers any sort of perks or incentives. My employer paid for me to get my MBA. There are always older folks in the classes, sometimes even folks in their 70's and up, so you certainly wouldn't be the odd man out.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

At your age, the door is still open for most anything you want to do. Going back to school is fine and changing careers isn't an issue. If anything, you have more advantage than the younger crowd as management at most places seem to view middle aged workers with a little more trust.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

just at a glance, it sure seems that you are incapable of choosing a good partner. you have two stikes with the last two.

so THAT HAS TO CHANGE. where you were meeting these women was wrong, do not go there again. How you dated these two women was wrong. the type these two women were was very bad for your type of personality.

How about finding a professional match maker, telling her all about you and your desires, and let the match maker recommend a woman to date??? Do not try to do it yourself, ot it will be three strikes for you!

and 3 strikes, you're out!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Damn…. Want to trade? I’ll take all that freedom off your hands if you like. Wonder around not beholden to anyone or anything… yeah sign me up. You should take casual dating as a blessing. I figure my two kids cost me about $700k to get them where they both are today.
> 
> Tinder your way through life and count your good fortune. Miserable men are a dime a dozen…. You ain’t one of them.


$700k???? What on earth did you spend all that money on? I have 3 adult children and they cost many many times less than that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is plenty of time to retrain or learn a new vocation. You are still very young. See what courses you can do near to where you live. 
As for women, many women like bald men and there are vast numbers of non white people here in the UK. I don't see that as an issue. 

I would suggest not using sites like Tinder but finding better ones that aren't based just on how people look. 

Do you have hobbies? Do you do a sport? Interests? You could join clubs and go to meet ups in your local area. There are always things going on wherever you live.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I have no advice on the dating situation.
As far as your job, you do not have to have a career per se like your other family members to be happy. Do not let the expectations of others make you feel less than for your work. Not everybody needs to be a doctor, lawyer etc. Plenty of people have decent or well paying jobs that are just jobs and they don’t necessarily “love” them but they are more than happy to go to work everyday and earn a living especially if they are working somewhere with people they enjoy being around.

But as others have said, if you want to go back to school or get some other training, there’s nothing wrong with that either.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

worriedwithfear said:


> I’m almost 40 years old now and I am hitting a real anxiety low point as I am fast approaching middle age. I am starting to panic around two central life issues – relationship/marriage and career/work.
> Been single for more than 6 years now. My last relationship which was only a few months I had to endure psychological abuse and in the previous one which lasted almost a year, significant gaslighting and more manipulation/abuse. Before this, when I was younger in my 20s I had a couple of relationships which were a little more positive but they didn’t work out in the end. I have phases where I go through huge disappointment and frustration but then other times where I am distracted enough to feel calmer and more in control of the situation. What does help is that I still manage to go on dates, so I am still getting matches on dating apps and through online dating and in my life, goodness knows how many dates I’ve been on. I’m not white and am bald so that does not help my case but I am 6”2, so at least that works in my favour. I’m not a bad looking guy but no question I would have more attention if I had hair. Most of these dates always go fairly well, I’ve never had a disaster or anything like that but there always seems to be something missing – either there is a lack of connection, no physical attraction or not enough in common. I guess it is difficult finding those three aspects but I’ve kept trying and will continue to do so as I keep hoping that eventually that breakthrough will come. Most instances have been where both myself and the woman I was dating/went on a date with weren't feeling it mutually so nothing further happened. A few times, I've had them interested in me but I'm not into them and only on one occasion in the recent past I would say, where I was the one who was very interested in this lady I was dating for about a month, only for her to call it off. Something is going on here, the common denominator is me afterall. Is it just not meant to be, will love/marriage/children never be a reality for me? I am willing to accept that reality but then I have this God given desire for those very things. I am starting to panic thinking about the future.
> 
> 
> ...


You need to try to find dates through activities you love doing, your own interests, so you can find someone who has something in common with you. Also, there is, of course, the factor of where you are from and your background. Maybe you need to find someone of similar background and upbringing because that is also sometimes important to find commonality and understanding. Taking a "looks only" shot on internet dating isn't usually going to amount to much. 

The success point would mostly impress golddiggers, so don't worry as much about that as making yourself happy in your work. Many women don't care if you're rich, just that you are gainfully employed and stick with it so that you're reliable. Good luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So first off I suspect you are not coming off the way you think. Have you ever asked someone for feedback. Like what happened? Ask them to be blunt. Maybe you are awkward or something.

Besides that, the best thing I can tell you is get out of your own head. I say go volunteer, go do stuff for other people. Be generous and kind to people who need it. Make sure your conversation game is really good. Make it a point to take genuine interest in those you are talking to. Assuming you are not in bad shape, groom nice, you will meet someone if you do that. 

If you stress yourself out and are hyper focused on your situation you are going to make it a lot harder.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> $700k???? What on earth did you spend all that money on? I have 3 adult children and they cost many many times less than that.


Well college for 1 kid costs about 250k so the math checks out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The only thing i have to say is that you need to make sure you understand your own boundaries with these women, and you need to learn to read any red flags easily and quickly. This should help you start dating a better quality of women who match you better.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Well college for 1 kid costs about 250k so the math checks out.


250k for college?!?! 😱..... Curious to what college this is.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> 250k for college?!?! 😱..... Curious to what college this is.





ThatDarnGuy! said:


> 250k for college?!?! 😱..... Curious to what college this is.


NYU is about 80k a year just for tuition and room and board for 1. Same with Boston College and many many others. At that price, you're probably looking at 270k total with all expenses for 4 years.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Well college for 1 kid costs about 250k so the math checks out.


Wow, so glad I am not from the USA.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> NYU is about 80k a year just for tuition and room and board for 1. Same with Boston College and many many others. At that price, you're probably looking at 270k total with all expenses for 4 years.


Did any of them have jobs to help support themselves? My daughter did that. She worked and took out govt loans. She also shopped and cooked for herself. Much cheaper. I couldn't afford to help her much at all.


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## Scrooge (Dec 28, 2021)

Don’t have any wisdom to share or offer in here, but you’re similar age to mine and going through very similar emotions to mine. I also have self image insecurities, and I’m not a native Brit either, so I’ll share a couple of things.

With work, the _‘glorified admin_’ statement of yours, of all the information in your post, I found it to be the most alarming. Please don’t do this to yourself.

Ask yourself this: If you were to quit your job today, would your replacement be able to do your job as well as you have?

If yes, then decide what other career you would like to start, and be realistic about it, are you going to start from scratch or going to continue a degree/job that you already started and didn't get to finish? Are you going to be able to afford it? Is there going to be enough demand for your skill by the time you're ready? What everyone else suggested regarding going back to college/university is a good place to start, but make sure you choose what you want to study, and think carefully about it. Not all industries/careers will welcome a 40 something new starter with a degree but no relevant experience, not sure what you've got in mind, but mine certainly wouldn’t. So choose carefully if that’s what you’re going to do.

If the answer to these questions prove it difficult to start a new career, I would say that you would be better off finding ways to improve your performance at your current position, be the better replacement.

If your replacement wouldn’t be as good as you are at the job, then you are doing a job that you’re good at, a job that will probably be much better for you than a generic ‘career’ outlined by social/family pressure.

I can’t help with the dating or life expectations regarding children and family life, but you are questioning the progress of your life, you’re not just coasting your way through life and settling for what you’ve got. That alone indicates certain level of intelligence, you must be intelligent enough to know what you want, so just start taking steps to achieve that, baby steps.

Just because the vast majority of humans get married and reproduce doesn’t mean you have to do the same, it’s not a competition. If this however is stemming from your own needs then by all means, work towards achieving it.

I’m not looking to date or get into any other relationship, but even if I did, I wouldn’t rely on an algorithm that decides who I may or may not have a chance with. And looks? Do you look the same as you did 5 years ago? Will you look the same 5 years from now? Most likely not, and neither will be anyone that you start seeing today. Physical attraction is definitely important, but your character and the character of possible ‘dates’ are probably much more important as this will be the main element shaping your future with anyone. Your recent relationships sounded like you may have overlooked that, so try and not do the same on your next one.

Oh and by the way, I’d kill to be bald, no joke, if I had to choose between daily shaves and weekly hair cuts and being bald? I’ll take bald, any day!

Good luck


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> 250k for college?!?! 😱..... Curious to what college this is.


Just about any one of them these days.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Wow, so glad I am not from the USA.


The problem isn't the cost, but the lack of political will to streamline the costs by including alternative learning methods.
If I were an America, I could have a $500,000 student loan paid off in about 8 years maybe. I know how to work and not spend money.
Education isn't cheaper in Europe, because people are paying for their social costs their entire lives. In the US, the cost is more direct and upfront and there is a lot of scholarships and donations that make it very inexpensive in the end for the hardworking student.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> $700k???? What on earth did you spend all that money on? I have 3 adult children and they cost many many times less than that.


I spent nearly £250.000 on mine and they only went to nursery schools and then uni... no private education. It is expensive. It would have been more, but they got their tuition fees paid through the government scheme (student finance). They will have to repay that, of course. So, it would have probably been twice as much without that.

When my wife went to uni, it was all paid by the state and you could sign on during the holidays... so you only needed beer money... 

I would suggest the OP gets some individual counselling.


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## DreamGuyxo (10 mo ago)

From what I can read, You need a reboot of your confidence.

When it comes to confidence, repetition is key. Confidence comes from the heart, but it can all come as well with doing a few things that can change your attitude. 

You are concern about your moments being single and feeling like a "loser" when it comes to finding somebody that can fit your personality, that can all be recovered knowing that you need to step foot outside of your comfort zone and start talking to girls. The more girls you talk to the more you gain confidence and will power in finding your lover. You can start with a goal of talking to three girls a day. It doesn't matter if they are already friends or stranger. A simple "Hey"-"How you doing?" can get your moods going. When you get in the habit of talking to girls and having completely new conversations/relationships you will then gain your confidence back and you will have the inspiration that you need to find your true lover. 

Second tip from me, is that I feel like you have a conscious that is dwindled from past experiences, you may be comparing your emotions with judgments because of your past, hence why you bring up wanting something new in your post. The way you should see your past is completely imaginable and something that only the past can tell, BUT thats not what really matters especially if you are looking for complete freedom from your lack of confidence. The past is something that can only be looked back on, it can never change who you are or who you want to be. What matters is how you take charge for the current moments that you have in your daily life. You have a deep ridden desire to achieve the best most positive moments and the first thing you do to get that is think positive for the future always. Take charge. 

PM if you need anymore tips


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> But as others have said, if you want to go back to school or get some other training, there’s nothing wrong with that either.


i would STRONGLY advise against going back to school unless it is courses directly needed to advance to a better job.

NOBODY needs to hire a French Poetry Major today.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Have you ever asked any of the failed situations straight up what happened?

Another possibility for you is to utilize one of the dating coaches that are out there. They might be able to analyze what is going on and help you with it.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

jonty30 said:


> The problem isn't the cost, but the lack of political will to streamline the costs by including alternative learning methods.
> If I were an America, I could have a $500,000 student loan paid off in about 8 years maybe. I know how to work and not spend money.
> Education isn't cheaper in Europe, because people are paying for their social costs their entire lives. In the US, the cost is more direct and upfront and there is a lot of scholarships and donations that make it very inexpensive in the end for the hardworking student.


I think the Department of Education is to blame for the high cost. I mean why not keep raising costs if they will loan to anyone with a pulse?

Get rid of student loans and colleges will have no choice but to adjust tuition.


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## Lapm (10 mo ago)

worriedwithfear said:


> I’m almost 40 years old now and I am hitting a real anxiety low point as I am fast approaching middle age. I am starting to panic around two central life issues – relationship/marriage and career/work.
> Been single for more than 6 years now. My last relationship which was only a few months I had to endure psychological abuse and in the previous one which lasted almost a year, significant gaslighting and more manipulation/abuse. Before this, when I was younger in my 20s I had a couple of relationships which were a little more positive but they didn’t work out in the end. I have phases where I go through huge disappointment and frustration but then other times where I am distracted enough to feel calmer and more in control of the situation. What does help is that I still manage to go on dates, so I am still getting matches on dating apps and through online dating and in my life, goodness knows how many dates I’ve been on. I’m not white and am bald so that does not help my case but I am 6”2, so at least that works in my favour. I’m not a bad looking guy but no question I would have more attention if I had hair. Most of these dates always go fairly well, I’ve never had a disaster or anything like that but there always seems to be something missing – either there is a lack of connection, no physical attraction or not enough in common. I guess it is difficult finding those three aspects but I’ve kept trying and will continue to do so as I keep hoping that eventually that breakthrough will come. Most instances have been where both myself and the woman I was dating/went on a date with weren't feeling it mutually so nothing further happened. A few times, I've had them interested in me but I'm not into them and only on one occasion in the recent past I would say, where I was the one who was very interested in this lady I was dating for about a month, only for her to call it off. Something is going on here, the common denominator is me afterall. Is it just not meant to be, will love/marriage/children never be a reality for me? I am willing to accept that reality but then I have this God given desire for those very things. I am starting to panic thinking about the future.
> 
> 
> ...


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think the Department of Education is to blame for the high cost. I mean why not keep raising costs if they will loan to anyone with a pulse?
> 
> Get rid of student loans and colleges will have no choice but to adjust tuition.


Four changes I would make to the US system of education, if I could be king.

1. Allow people to save tax-free towards the education of their children, as long as the money saved was spent on education.

2. Remove the ability of colleges and universities to qualify graduates. Their job is to teach only. Give the job of qualifying students to the professional organizations that almost everybody belongs to. This would allow colleges and universities to be held accountable for substandard teaching if profession organizations were able to withhold their recommendations for garbage courses.

3. If a person can pass the same tests as anybody else, I really don't care how they learned the material. With chatrooms, YouTube, and textbooks, a person can be as highly educated off-campus as they can on-campus. 

4. It is a dirty secret that colleges and universities purposefully pad their budgets, by taking in as many first year students as possible, to subsidize the 2nd-4th year students. They know that about half will not go onto the second year because they could not adapt to the regiment of a university. I'd force universities to put realistic real-world prerequisites to high school graduates.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I spent nearly £250.000 on mine and they only went to nursery schools and then uni... no private education. It is expensive. It would have been more, but they got their tuition fees paid through the government scheme (student finance). They will have to repay that, of course. So, it would have probably been twice as much without that.
> 
> When my wife went to uni, it was all paid by the state and you could sign on during the holidays... so you only needed beer money...
> 
> I would suggest the OP gets some individual counselling.


A youngish family member only came out of uni with a £25,000 loan. I just don't get where the £250,000 amount comes from. There was no way I would have been able to afford anywhere near that amount for my kids anyway.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> A youngish family member only came out of uni with a £25,000 loan. I just don't get where the £250,000 amount comes from. There was no way I would have been able to afford anywhere near that amount for my kids anyway.


It's not cheaper in Europe, because Europe makes up for it through higher taxesover a lifetime. The US just upfronts more of the cost.

You're thinking if the costs as it would relate to you in terms of your income and taxation. If I were in the US, I could probably have a $500,000 student loan paid off in about 8 years, knowing how much work I could do and my ability to focus on paying my bills.


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## worriedwithfear (Sep 3, 2017)

bobert said:


> If you are not happy with your education, there is no shame in going back to school. You could do evening and/or weekend classes. You could even see if your employer offers any sort of perks or incentives. My employer paid for me to get my MBA. There are always older folks in the classes, sometimes even folks in their 70's and up, so you certainly wouldn't be the odd man out.


I guess not. It's just trying to allign it with potentially settling down and attracting the right person. My insecurity around this is that by this age, I sense there is an expectation especially with a man to be established and "set" not thinking about a career change. Even so, of course it does happen so it's not impossible to still be successful. I just need to figure out what my next steps are, which is what I've been doing since I was like 21! At least though I'm not the same person I was then thinking I just need to find something I mildly enjoy. I realise the importance now of taking on something vocational and eventually a job/career that makes a difference and is somewhat rewarding.


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## worriedwithfear (Sep 3, 2017)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> At your age, the door is still open for most anything you want to do. Going back to school is fine and changing careers isn't an issue. If anything, you have more advantage than the younger crowd as management at most places seem to view middle aged workers with a little more trust.


Thanks for the response. As I said in the response above, I'm trying to figure this out along with potentially settling down and attracting the right person. I have a real sense of this expectation for men especially, with being established and "set" not thinking about a career change. I'm afraid at how a woman might look at that.


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## worriedwithfear (Sep 3, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> just at a glance, it sure seems that you are incapable of choosing a good partner. you have two stikes with the last two.
> 
> so THAT HAS TO CHANGE. where you were meeting these women was wrong, do not go there again. How you dated these two women was wrong. the type these two women were was very bad for your type of personality.
> 
> ...


No question, there is something about myself that made me even consider these women and then be with them for as long as I did. It wasn't that long anyway, we're talking almost a year for the first one and then only a few months for the second. Looking back I'm embarrassed to think it even went that far. The first one was the worst. From blaming me when someone bumped into her on the street or when she hit her head by accident on something, leaving me on the street when I had a painful cramp, logging into my facebook to read my messages, poking me when I was in bed trying to sleep, texting me in church telling me I should stop looking round at people in the service. I literally could not do anything without her gaslighting or insulting me in some way. This went on for months until I finally ended it. About 2 years later, I meet another woman, older this time (31) who was not as bad but had the same manipulative, horrible tendencies. Very judgemental, she would judge me for how I made my tea to not being happy that I would check my phone for 5 seconds when I was with her. Anyway at least she recognised she was a bi*ch and ended our 3 month relationship rather suddenly. That was more than 6 years ago and still to this day, my last proper relationship. So clearly you can tell there's a lack of self respect I have and this is an issue I have worked since. Basically, it's about having the right boundaries and understanding and then putting into practice those boundaries and what we can and should not tolerate.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> A youngish family member only came out of uni with a £25,000 loan. I just don't get where the £250,000 amount comes from. There was no way I would have been able to afford anywhere near that amount for my kids anyway.


Nursery school for each child was £800/month and they went for 5 years each... The £25,000 is just the total loan the state gives you and that can cover either the tuition fees or the accommodation. It's not enough for both, so I paid rent for each of them at uni and that was about £600-800/month and they went 4 years each... my youngest has still 1 year left. We have 2 incomes, but my wife works for the health system and is paid a pitiful amount, so I've literally killed myself with work. I'm a freelancer so I can accept all the work thrown at me. I haven't had a free weekend for the last 10 years... I'm surprised I'm still alive, to be honest.


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## worriedwithfear (Sep 3, 2017)

sokillme said:


> So first off I suspect you are not coming off the way you think. Have you ever asked someone for feedback. Like what happened? Ask them to be blunt. Maybe you are awkward or something.
> 
> Besides that, the best thing I can tell you is get out of your own head. I say go volunteer, go do stuff for other people. Be generous and kind to people who need it. Make sure your conversation game is really good. Make it a point to take genuine interest in those you are talking to. Assuming you are not in bad shape, groom nice, you will meet someone if you do that.
> 
> If you stress yourself out and are hyper focused on your situation you are going to make it a lot harder.


Never asked for direct feedback as such from these women I was dating/seeing albeit rather briefly (as I said my last relationship if you can even call it that was more than 6 years ago) and that's because most of the time, the feeling has been mutual. Usually after a first date with these women, I would just leave it at that because either the attraction wasn't there or more often, no connection or chemistry. 
I do think, and I know many will disagree here, but quite alot has to do with looks and that's why I bring up the bald head. I don't think my bald head is doing me any favours and yes you can still look ok with it but in general, look, women prefer men with hair. You look at general advertising, media etc. you will rarely see a bald man being promoted and marketed. Of course balding is even worse, which is why I shaved it all off around 33/34. 

Fortunately, I do have the height and an ok looking face but whenever I see myself in photos these days I do cringe a little and can probably understand why I fail to attract really attractive women. It's not realistic. I have thought about getting what's called scalp micro pigmentation, which is effectively a hair tattoo on your scalp and it gives someone like myself who is completely bald, the illusion of having a shaved head. This would help to some extent as I know I look decent with this kind of look (when I still did have enough hair at 30/31 I tried it). So I might consider over a hair transplant which is not realistic and far more intrusive.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

worriedwithfear said:


> No question, there is something about myself that made me even consider these women and then be with them for as long as I did. It wasn't that long anyway, we're talking almost a year for the first one and then only a few months for the second. Looking back I'm embarrassed to think it even went that far. The first one was the worst. From blaming me when someone bumped into her on the street or when she hit her head by accident on something, leaving me on the street when I had a painful cramp, logging into my facebook to read my messages, poking me when I was in bed trying to sleep, texting me in church telling me I should stop looking round at people in the service. I literally could not do anything without her gaslighting or insulting me in some way. This went on for months until I finally ended it. About 2 years later, I meet another woman, older this time (31) who was not as bad but had the same manipulative, horrible tendencies. Very judgemental, she would judge me for how I made my tea to not being happy that I would check my phone for 5 seconds when I was with her. Anyway at least she recognised she was a bi*ch and ended our 3 month relationship rather suddenly. That was more than 6 years ago and still to this day, my last proper relationship. So clearly you can tell there's a lack of self respect I have and this is an issue I have worked since. Basically, it's about having the right boundaries and understanding and then putting into practice those boundaries and what we can and should not tolerate.


well good. you are at least admitting your are somehow drawn to a certain personality in women. 

the next step is to figure out WHY? some childhood trauma? are they like your mother was? Did they pursue you, and you just went along for the ride?

try to figure it out so you do not make the same mistake again.

And you have to be sure you really do not want this type of woman! Some men are masochists....and love the abuse!


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

My wife and her friends have said in the past that bald men and men who are thinning are so common that women really think nothing of it as it affects pretty much all guys to some degree. Just don't try doing a comb over or some whacky hairstyle to cover it. Either shave your head or get a transplant.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

worriedwithfear said:


> Never asked for direct feedback as such from these women I was dating/seeing albeit rather briefly (as I said my last relationship if you can even call it that was more than 6 years ago) and that's because most of the time, the feeling has been mutual. Usually after a first date with these women, I would just leave it at that because either the attraction wasn't there or more often, no connection or chemistry.
> I do think, and I know many will disagree here, but quite alot has to do with looks and that's why I bring up the bald head. I don't think my bald head is doing me any favours and yes you can still look ok with it but in general, look, women prefer men with hair. You look at general advertising, media etc. you will rarely see a bald man being promoted and marketed. Of course balding is even worse, which is why I shaved it all off around 33/34.
> 
> Fortunately, I do have the height and an ok looking face but whenever I see myself in photos these days I do cringe a little and can probably understand why I fail to attract really attractive women. It's not realistic. I have thought about getting what's called scalp micro pigmentation, which is effectively a hair tattoo on your scalp and it gives someone like myself who is completely bald, the illusion of having a shaved head. This would help to some extent as I know I look decent with this kind of look (when I still did have enough hair at 30/31 I tried it). So I might consider over a hair transplant which is not realistic and far more intrusive.


Lift weights make sure you are in shape. There is a difference in looking like this -











and looking like this -











The second picture is not unattainable, but it requires pretty much daily work and discipline, like anything else good in this life. You should be working out every day and in good shape. 

Learn to dress for your body type. Develop a sense of style. Like read fashion magazines and really learn, not just buy one thing that you wear on every date. Lots of people end up with people who they knew at least casually for a while and not someone they are set up with on a blind date. So it may be that you are going to get her interested with consistence. So dressing nice every day and having style is a good way to be attractive to someone. 

Find things that you are passionate about that are at least semi-main stream. Not just nerdy stuff that a very rare women is interested in. She is not going to be interested in the fact that you are into 3d printers or something like that. She may be interested that you are into cooking. The point is this can be a starting point for you to strike up a conversation. You need to be able to talk, this is the most important thing. A good way to get good at that is to always be curious and learning, this will give you an advantage because you will versed on a wide range of subjects to talk about on dates. This is the best way to meet people because if you know a little bit about a lot of things it gives you and avenue to ask questions if it comes up in conversation. This could be some women at your job or that you bump into and have a casual conversation. The key is, if brings something up you know a little bit about you can ask her what she thinks about something in that subject. Boom now you have an in. But you got to know stuff to be able to do that.

That is another key, don't tell her what you think, ask her what she things, then tell her what you think. And not that she is wrong. Just what you think. Stay away from politics and religion.

Focus on being a man of action, such as getting a career going. Your not even 40 you can go back to school if need be. If you are in a job that makes money learn to use that money to make more money. Have a financial plan, and stick to it. This is your life, if the girl isn't there yet doesn't mean your life has to stop.

The way you write about yourself you sound kind of unambitious and a go with the flow type guy. That is going to be a huge turn off to a women, especially if she is close to your age (and she should be). Her priority is going to be that time is wasting and she needs a guy who is ready to go, not one who is trying to figure himself out.

Most women don't want the easy going guy going with the flow, they want a guy who knows what he wants and is on a mission. There is nothing wrong with that, she wants to know that you are going to be financially safe so that if you have kids she won't have to worry about that. You have to have something to offer.

I hope you are not saying the stuff you wrote in your first post on your first date. It's too negative about yourself. Despite what the movies tell guys, she doesn't want Woody Allen she wants James Bond. Woody Allen in any other setting would be the weird guy on the subway.

You should have a mission statement about your life, you should live it and present it on these dates or anywhere else. "I intend to do this, this and this. This is what I am doing right now and here is why. This is what I am passionate about and why." I am not saying be all in your face about it, not like trying to get a job, but in the sense that you have something going on. Again another fall back to talk about. Just don't make that your only conversation piece, or better yet say a little then ask her what she is doing in her life around that subject.

Example: "I am saving for a house, I am thinking this is a good idea here is why. Have you ever thought about doing that or looked into it?"

Finally this dream girl stuff, you are probably not going to marry Margot Robbie, you and 99% of all the other men in this world. Besides it's smarter for your dream girl to be a women of character who will make a good partner for you, who you are also attracted to. I am assuming you are like most men and there is a wide spectrum with some deal breakers on that end. That's fair, but if not and Margot Robbie is a must then you need to be more realistic.


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