# Is it over?



## goingcra (Feb 25, 2011)

Hi,

I'm so worried. My wife and I have been together for 2 1/2 years, married for last 16mths. She moved over from Belfast and we started living together soon after we married.

Over the last few months we have had our ups & downs, mostly over her feeling pushed aside by myself because she was always the one wanting to kiss and cuddle, and i havent always been there for her, whether im on the laptop or busy doing something else, i sub-conciously dismissed HER needs but assumed it was ok for her to kiss & cuddle me when I wanted it.

Dont get me wrong, we are not talking all the time this happened, but I understand this was percieved by her. We always kiss goodnight, say we love each other on every call, and I adore her with all my heart.

So fast forward 2 mths to last weekend and having an arguement over something stupid, and she says that she loves me, but hasnt got the feelings she used to have, she doesnt know if they are just hidden by anger, or whether they have gone all together.

I now realise how I have made her feel by dismissing her needs to have kisses and cuddles, but is it too little too late.

We have agreed to spent the whole weekend together as we are both off this weekend, and do some fun stuff that we used to do. She has been totally honest with me, and admits thats shes devastated that these "feelings" seem to of gone.

Is it too late, regardless of me now seeing where I need to change?


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

If she is willing to spend the whole weekend with you just to spend time with you and try to rekindle some of the fun you used to have together, then it is far from over but you still have work to do. This says that she hasn't given up and that is HUGE dude. You now have a tremendous opportunity to turn this around starting this weekend.

This is a time for you to sit down and come clean to her. Admit your past failings (don't be too ashamed, we all have them, especially before we end up on this board) and don't hold ANY of them back. Be fully honest and up front about the area's where you have failed to meet the expectations you know you should have for yourself, the expectations that she deserves. Next open up to her about how you feel, how she is the love of your life, how you never meant to hurt her or make her feel unloved, that you are committed to working to win back her heart and would like her help along the way. Tell her that no one knows you and your crap better than she, and that you want to open up your life to her and assure her that you will be listening to her from this point forward to the best of your ability. 

Next, list off some idea's that you have on ways that you could change yourself and the relationship. Don't be afraid to bring along a hand-written list. That will show forethought and she'll probably love that. Find some idea's here on the board if you struggle with that. Ask her if she has any idea's for you, again acknowledging that no one is better fit than her to offer constructive criticism and guidance here.

At some point you might mention that you aren't perfect, you never will be, and you hope she'll have the sense of grace to forgive you when you do fail at times, but that you are committed to walking away from your past "lifestyle of dismissal" that you have been living. Promise her that she will see a difference, and she'll see it soon. (And make damn sure that she does!)

Have hope! Your situation sounds better than probably 90% of the stories we find here. You may have caught this early, so be thankful for that and don't miss out on the opportunity. Marriage counseling might be a good idea but you still need to get started on your own first and I highly recommend having a conversation similar to what I wrote above with her, and soon. Preferably sometime this weekend in fact, perhaps after a day of treating her like a princess.

DO start treating her like the princess that you know she is. Honor her, respect her, and for this weekend at the very least, make it all about her. Get her a small gift, maybe schedule an expensive visit to the day spa and surprise her with it (offer to deliver her choice of lunch for her while she is there, that wins bonus points), tell her that you are going to handle all of the regular weekend chores this time, and definitely think of the kinds of things that SHE loves to do and make those happen.

Oh and one more thing, if you haven't heard of "The Five Love Languages", I HIGHLY recommend that you pick it up on amazon or at your book store. It isn't the end-all, be-all of marital happiness but it is a great system for showing spouses how they can meet their spouses love needs in a way that maximizes the impact of your efforts. We all experience and offer love in different ways. You love your wife, we know you do, but maybe the ways that you show her love aren't the ways that she feels love. It is a super quick read and probably costs about $10, so don't even think about it, just buy it.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If you haven't, please look into love languages. It is really very important, and I need to focus on that to make my relationship work.


----------



## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

I agree with some points that were made earlier. Because she says she's devastated that her feelings have changed, that means she still loves you, and most importantly, still WANTS to love you. Admitting you didn't have your focus in the right place will be a big help. You can help rekindle those earlier feelings not without grand, romantic gestures (though those are useful too). Sometimes the most effective stuff is the small gestures. Leave little notes around the house with "I love you" on them. During the day when you both are going about your business, stop and kiss her. Not a quick peck, but a long and good one.

Your situation doesn't sound like there are any serious problems that can't be fixed, honestly I wish my wife paid half as much attention to me as it sounds like yours does.


----------



## goingcra (Feb 25, 2011)

*Re: Is it over? **UPDATE***

Firstly Thank you for the replies.

We are still "together", well sort of.

The last 2 weeks has basically been a mixture of her saying she wants to try, then the minute she wants to live together as "mates" to see if that brings back the "in love" and "special feelings she had at the beginning".

We havent actually spent 1 night apart, even sleeping in the same bed.

She knows I know where I went wrong, she knows I want to put it right. I am just so confused, she keeps telling me that she loves me and cares about me, but i know that doesnt mean anything and that it wont save the marriage.

She knows i am hurting, but i dont want her to hug and kiss me because she cares, i want her to kiss and hug me because she genuinly wants to.

Last night was supposed to be the 1st night of sleeping in seperate beds, but within 30mins of me going to bed, she asked if she could sleep with me and hold each other becasue in her words " we have been through alot in the last 2 weeks".

She even said that whilst she was downstairs alone for 30mins that she missed me.

We cuddled and she even said that "it feels like before" our troubles, we even kissed like we kissed at the beginnning. She even said that shes sure we can worked it out if we both try really hard over the next 2 weeks of being "mates"

She has admitted herself that shes "up & down", one minute she feels like shes getting somewhere, the next she doesnt think it will work out.

It seems like if I am strong and dont show my hurt she can distance herself from me, if I show my hurt she wants to lay with me in and cuddle closely all night.

I dont know what to do, one minute im happy because she wants to lay with me and says positive things, the next she doesnt think she can fall back IN love.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You NEED to get into MC with her. NEED TO.

Find her at a moment when she is on a relative up. Tell her you want to figure out your issues. You are doing the best you know how and still mostly love eachother, but you don't have it right yet. Get in now before your relationship deteriorates.

My MC story is in my profile if you care to read it.


----------

