# I cannot sleep tonite



## ferndog

Ive been divorced for about 10 months now and I always had hope to one day reconcile, for us to learn from our mistakes and grow old and happy together. 
I have battles depression for so long and I have made changes to get better. I reach I milestone
Where I wanted to know if my ex is dating.

My sister works with her and said she believes she is and it may be time for me to let go. Yes this hurt but it's true. I love her and it's time to really heal and get better.

So I text my ex and she said she will call me tomorrow. I will try to see if there is any hope left (yes we're divorced but she said she loved me but that I wouldn't change so I held on to hope while changing). 
I feel in my heart that the news will be bad but I'm prepared to finally close this long painful chapter of my life.

I will continue to focus on myself and progress into someone very special. It hurts me that she may not believe in me anymore but the pain of limbo is to cruel and self abusive to my health.

The reality is I will view this situation as her giving up on me too soon and not seeing if I would honestly change.

And she may view it as "you hurt me too much and it doesn't matter if you change"

Love on my side is real and true but I can't longer hold hope for someone that doesn't believe in me. Further more I felt so ashamed of being divorced. I still do
But I had no input in this decision.

Well if there's any hope left I need her to start to show it but I don't see it. I just need her to say it . 

I know that depression is a hard thing to get over and I will be careful on how I handle myself after the news. It will take focus but I won't back track into who I was.

In a while I'll be a catch but for now I'm a work in progress

Anyone wants a loyal,faithful, loving , motivated, funny, dependable guy in the future, just let me know 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy

Good luck Ferndog,

Keep working on yourself. Maybe she will eventually notice but do your best to get her out of your mind. Many never get closure and my gut says she is dreading calling you and therefore might not.


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## ferndog

Shoeguy said:


> Good luck Ferndog,
> 
> Keep working on yourself. Maybe she will eventually notice but do your best to get her out of your mind. Many never get closure and my gut says she is dreading calling you and therefore might not.


I didn't sleep at all but I didn't cry . I felt the roller coaster ride as I'm now beginning to realize it might be truly over. Yes I have to keep focus on my issues and I'll try not to think of her. Yeah she may not call. She might be thinking "am I not done with this chapter" lol

I'm a good guy, I'll be ok at the end. I just need to stay focused and start letting her go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

Going on my 12th month of divorce, Ferndog. Everyone here feels or has felt the same way after the divorce. Especially if you were walked away from, and you dont know why. I spent a lot of time trying to make sense of it, and that was a waste of time. My ex moved a dude in 3 months after I moved out. I lived there for 15 years thru two hurricanes, had a family, celebrated all those holidays and did the family thing, then one day it was all gone. 
Then I got to see the ex immediately move on to some other dooshbag, and move him into the house with her and the kid.

Im not wallowing, nor do I wish to be back with her, it does however have that lingering sense of how horribly fked over I was through-in and throughout the entire process. Still going thru residual effects to this day, becuase I have to maintain contact due to the kiddo.

You are right, no matter what it was you may have done to contribute to the situation, it was her decision to walk away and you wouldnt want someone unwilling to be there.
Its hard to consider it, but this is a second chance at a life that will BE better. I have only that to lure me out of bed in the morning.


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## ferndog

Thank you. In a weird way it feels good not to be alone on this misery ride. Yes I had a lot more issues than I have now and honestly it hurts that she walked away but she did and I have to realize now that I'm better than an email divorce.
I will try very hard to turn my life around for the better. I'm 36 and look way younger so I guess I have options but my focus is on repairing myself. I will try not to think of "one day shell regret leaving me blah blah blah" lol. 

Thank you shoo. I guess well be ok. Quick question do you think you'll ever remarry?
I think I'm capable of it but she has to be very special and dear to my heart and yes of course I must fix my issues first
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WomanScorned

You have to take care of the depression and focus on you for a while. Depression causes so much havoc in a relationship. I have depression, and it's a huge reason I'm divorced. I didn't take care of it until it was too late for us. But now I've got it under control and know what I need to do to stay healthy. I'm doing it for me and for my kids.


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## Shooboomafoo

I sure do want to remarry. One day when I meet someone that is what is right for me. I sure know what is wrong! Lesson learned at least in part there.
But yeah. I wanted a big family. I still do.


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## ferndog

Yes this is true. I believe I have control over it but I need to make sure to handle this situation . If she calls I will Admit my faults and ask she she would give us an honest chance. If her answer is no I will then detach and continue my progress. 
If she by a miracle says yes then I want to go to counseling and date slowly.
In my heart I wish she still cared and it's a lot to ask a person to hold on while they fix they're issues.

Truth is I treated her bad and she can't forget. So I must learn and get better so I won't make the same mistakes.

I would have never thought in a million years that I would be divorced from the girl of my dreams but that's reality and I'm too special to be stuck.

She was my first girlfriend (since 15) now at 36 she is my ex wife. I still love her but if I get nothing I can't stop my life for what was
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Shoo
I was just thinking. Do you think your ex was living unhappy for a while that the first person that gave her attention became a replacement? I feel my ex might do the same
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure2621

Fern - 

I am in the same boat. I am only 1 month post divorce. Well not even one month yet actually - still a few days to go. I am just starting the actual divorce journey and trying to fix my issues.

According to my ex he had been miserable for years and I think the first woman that came along and gave him attention was my replacement. He cheated on me and left.

I think the biggest problem I am having right now is uncovering what my flaws actually are as opposed to what he wanted me to believe they were to assuage his guilt. When someone walks away I think it really just sends us into a tailspin of total self-reflection.

I'm doing my best to let go and move on but I have already encountered the "did I make the right choice" dilemma in my own head.


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## ferndog

Yes it's going to be so hard. Especially since I really wanted to put my best foot forward and work it out. It will be about a year from now to get where I want to be. I think this is a reasonable time frame to conquer all my issues. I hope by then I can start dating. I can't even picture that but what can I say
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

ferndog said:


> Shoo
> I was just thinking. Do you think your ex was living unhappy for a while that the first person that gave her attention became a replacement? I feel my ex might do the same
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


~~ The first guy had been contacting her behind the scenes for several years before I was even aware. The ex hid it so well, but when I did eventually see a few txt msgs back and forth, the ex was telling me he was just a friend. I took him as a snake anyways, as "friends" dont talk to married women like he did. The ex also had me thinking that I was being irrational and jealous for nothing. Some of the txts between them were not appropriate, but I sat back and paid attention.

Then a year or two later she met him for lunch. I found a txt msg with the whole strain of their back and forth and confronted. This is when the ex decided she didnt want to be married anymore. I dont know if it was to escape guilt, or a symptom of her newest medication for anxiety, or what. Up until the point that I found out something was going on, she was acting like our relationship was fine. No discussions, no indications, until and only until I found out. 

She dumped dude #1, as there was another old flame that got back into contact with her thanks to her toxic friends that cared nothing for "marriage". This is the guy shes moved into the old marital home with her.

If the ex was living our marriage in a state of unhappiness, nothing at all would have led me to believe so. No talks, no indications, nothing, until I had found out about the OM and the emotional affair she was having with him. Only then did she decide to turn her infidelity into an issue of her just being "out of love" with me.. It was all bullsh!t and all a cowardly way of addressing her issues in the marriage.


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## ferndog

My situation is different. My ex always expressed unhappiness and tried to see if I would change. I didn't as I didn't know how deep my issues ran. She did a lot actually and put up with a lot of neglect. She might view me as a pith case with unsolvable issues. I guess she had enough one day. And once she wasn't allowing me to change her mind is when I realized my issues.
No cheating no backstabbing just dissapointment. 

I never felt I got a fair chance now that I'm healing. From her view might ask "well how many chances do you need"

I'm glad that I was always faithful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure2621

Shoo my situation is almost dead on with yours. I'm glad to know that I am not alone as I have tried to wrap my brain around it for months.

My ex-husband always said that he LOVED being married and there was no indication at all that he was unhappy. Then he met this chic in October and by January when he left he didn't want to be married anymore. Marriage just wasn't right for him. I was floored. I even said 'But you are the one in the marriage who always heralded how much you loved being married." That is when he told me all of that was just to keep me off of his back and avoid any problems in the marriage. Up until then I just thought he was happy as a pancake.

It's been 6 months for me. He left in January '12 and we divorced in July. He is still with the woman who subsequently left her husband as well - and left her 3 kids behind. She was a housewife. I still can't wrap my brain around what they were thinking. But I guess the draw of escaping from the same 'ol every day was just to much to turn away from.


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## ferndog

I'm just thinking of the long road ahead. I want to find ways to stop goth inking about hope when I feel down. What would be the best plan? When I start thinking of her should I try to shake it off? I don't know. I'm just trying to prepare for those roller coaster rides. I'm productive so work, school, hobbie will be on my list . I will pick up exercise this week also.

I'll be ok in that way just her abscence will be hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

ferndog said:


> Ive been divorced for about 10 months now
> 
> It hurts me that she may not believe in me anymore but the pain of limbo is to cruel and self abusive to my health.


Time for a 2x4:

You are in denial. 

You are divorced. 

She wanted a divorce.

There is no "limbo" here. You've been divorced for nearly a year now. You need to accept that. You haven't accepted it yet. 

Maybe talking with her will be a good thing though in that you will finally accept the divorce. 

I know it sucks but you need to move on. Move forwared. Staying stuck in the past isn't the answer. 

Work on you, to better yourself, commit to not repeating bad habits/behaviors, exercise, get sunlight, get help for your depression if you need it, but don't stay stuck. Put one foot in front of the other and start walking.

You are hurting yourself the most by living in denial. There is no limbo anymore.

Once you accept your truth, you can begin to move on.


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## Shoeguy

:iagree:

Ferndog I travelled the road you are on right now. It sucks but I think you can learn a ton from it. I tried to rekindle after 6 months but it wasn't to be. Looking back (1 yr) I think I'm better off that it didn't work out. She is one F'ed up individual who is clearly only interested in how she feel today. I don't need that in my life. I was with her for even longer than you and your ex. Met her when 18 and now divorced at then 41.

Point is don't hang your hat on if she calls you are not. Tomorrow will come and you have a choice each day to either think about what is right in front of you (Brand new day full of opportunities) or you can spend it thinking about what happened in the past.

My friends are starting to say things to me like "wow look how you have changed in the past year or so. Congrats you look and seem to be more happy". That's right!! I do feel better and couldn't have made much progress if I left that big anchor around my next titled failed marriage.

Time heals and with time comes new adventures and opportunities enjoy it and like Shoo said, look at this a a second chance in life.

It is tough and I'm struggling myself just keep moving along!

Shoeguy


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## ferndog

Well honestly my ex is a beautiful person. And some guy is going to be so lucky but I have to face it. It won't be me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy

I bet she is a beautiful person and you had a lot of really good times with her in the past. You can remember those good things but just not live your life on them.

Make new memories with a beautiful person who wants to shower you with love. Just take some time for yourself and enjoy the search for that person when your ready. There are millions and millions of beautiful people out there.

Also, ave you thought about any of the bad times and things you don't like about her? Sometimes thinking about those times helps me keep moving.


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## vi_bride04

ferndog, living in the past is not living. 

I hope you can accept the divorce soon and move on soon for your own well being.


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## ferndog

Yes I know I'll meet someone . But I do need time to reflect and adjust. Don't want baggage to carry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoeguy

Awesome attitude. Keep that in mind when you hit a low point.


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## ferndog

Will do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I called her but she didn't answer she then text me that she didn't want to talk. I asked her if there was any hope of us working it out etc. she said no. That she cares but not In that way etc. that she might never forgive the pain I caused,

Yes it hurts but I will begin to detach. I feel ok right now but I know it will be tough for a while.
I feel satisfied with my effort to show her my worth and give us a chance. If I must be honest I don't blame her, it's hard to believe I would change after so many years of neglect. But I'm ok. 

This will be a learning experience and I know I will be a better partner for my future wife (and hopefully last wife lol)

I won't dwell on what I want with her because it will get me nowhere. I'll just focus on my being
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Shooboomafoo said:


> ~~ The first guy had been contacting her behind the scenes for several years before I was even aware. The ex hid it so well, but when I did eventually see a few txt msgs back and forth, the ex was telling me he was just a friend. I took him as a snake anyways, as "friends" dont talk to married women like he did. The ex also had me thinking that I was being irrational and jealous for nothing. Some of the txts between them were not appropriate, but I sat back and paid attention.
> 
> Then a year or two later she met him for lunch. I found a txt msg with the whole strain of their back and forth and confronted. This is when the ex decided she didnt want to be married anymore. I dont know if it was to escape guilt, or a symptom of her newest medication for anxiety, or what. Up until the point that I found out something was going on, she was acting like our relationship was fine. No discussions, no indications, until and only until I found out.
> 
> She dumped dude #1, as there was another old flame that got back into contact with her thanks to her toxic friends that cared nothing for "marriage". This is the guy shes moved into the old marital home with her.
> 
> If the ex was living our marriage in a state of unhappiness, nothing at all would have led me to believe so. No talks, no indications, nothing, until I had found out about the OM and the emotional affair she was having with him. Only then did she decide to turn her infidelity into an issue of her just being "out of love" with me.. It was all bullsh!t and all a cowardly way of addressing her issues in the marriage.


Shoo

Your exwife is a coward.

It was all BS and she did not address the issues in your marriage!

I trulyhope you find happiness and a real woman someday soon.

HM64


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> I called her but she didn't answer she then text me that she didn't want to talk. I asked her if there was any hope of us working it out etc. she said no. That she cares but not In that way etc. that she might never forgive the pain I caused,
> 
> Yes it hurts but I will begin to detach. I feel ok right now but I know it will be tough for a while.
> I feel satisfied with my effort to show her my worth and give us a chance. If I must be honest I don't blame her, it's hard to believe I would change after so many years of neglect. But I'm ok.
> 
> This will be a learning experience and I know I will be a better partner for my future wife (and hopefully last wife lol)
> 
> I won't dwell on what I want with her because it will get me nowhere. I'll just focus on my being
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fern

Your wife got herself into a bad place. It was not all you.

You can respect her decision to divorce. Take comfort that it was not someone else.

Now focus your desire to be a better man that is good in his own skin.

Learn to be happy with yourself. Someday you will find another beautiful woman and you will be ready to enter into that relationship as a healthy, whole partner.

Your exwife needs to heal. Let her live her life that she chose without you.

And be grateful for the good times you two shared together.

Go live your life now.....

HM64


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## ferndog

Yes. My ex at least tried . She tried so hard. I love her and I want her happy.
Our relationship (although I'm dissapointed ) always had respect and im glad we were faithful while it lasted. 
Shoo's wife is a different story. This has to hurt more
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04

happyman64 said:


> Fern
> 
> Go live your life now.....
> 
> HM64


THIS

When you start living you will read your previous posts and wonder who in the h*ll posted them


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> Yes. My ex at least tried . She tried so hard. I love her and I want her happy.
> Our relationship (although I'm dissapointed ) always had respect and im glad we were faithful while it lasted.
> Shoo's wife is a different story. This has to hurt more
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then take comfort that she tried and did not take the easy way out and cheat or just walk out the door.

Respect her decision and move on.

And who knows Fern, someday you just might become friends again.

But that is in God's hands my friend.

Just focus on you. And if it helps you send her a letter thanking her for the good years. Tell her you understand why she left and you only wish her the best.

Maybe she needs a goodbye from you.

Just a thought Fern.

HM64


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## ferndog

I thanked her with a text. I expressed my love my dissapointment and my thanks

I did all I could. And I'm happy with that. I've found closure in my actions. And Im a needy person that always justs one more text or this or that because I'm too positive that thinks love will win. But not this time. 

I'm ready for detachment. I'm ready to work on myself. I want to be a physical education teacher. I have my BS and i start my credential in fall so im focused. 

I want to thank all of you. Your input means more than you'll ever know .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

happyman64 said:


> Then take comfort that she tried and did not take the easy way out and cheat or just walk out the door.
> 
> Respect her decision and move on.
> 
> And who knows Fern, someday you just might become friends again.
> 
> But that is in God's hands my friend.
> 
> Just focus on you. And if it helps you send her a letter thanking her for the good years. Tell her you understand why she left and you only wish her the best.
> 
> Maybe she needs a goodbye from you.
> 
> Just a thought Fern.
> 
> HM64


Although I see the whole picture, I'm still hurt. I think I got cheated in a way. There's a lot of small details that showed my love and went unnoticed by her. Yes I accepted my closure but i can't focus on her. She must find her own closure. She must find what she wants. 
I did enough to show her my love. 
She has anger towards me I'm sure but that's her issues. 

It's me time. (slow but honest progress)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

And you are right.

It is your time and you need to focus on you. The new you.

*Call it FernDog 2.0*

Good Luck Fern.

Tomorrow is the 1st day of your new life. 

Enjoy it.


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## ferndog

Yes
And It will be tough but I will try my best to shake her image away and deal with my issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Fern--it's good that you got some sort of closure, even i it wasn't what you wanted.

Now you can move on. She has told you it's done so you need to put her in the past, where she belongs and move forward.

If you do not have any children w/ her, cut ties with her completely. You will never move on as long as you're trying to contact her, check up on her, etc. Block her from your phone/text/email/Facebook if you have one, etc. 

Out of sight, out of mind.

NO CONTACT is the only way to get over someone.


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## ferndog

Jellybeans said:


> Fern--it's good that you got some sort of closure, even i it wasn't what you wanted.
> 
> Now you can move on. She has told you it's done so you need to put her in the past, where she belongs and move forward.
> 
> If you do not have any children w/ her, cut ties with her completely. You will never move on as long as you're trying to contact her, check up on her, etc. Block her from your phone/text/email/Facebook if you have one, etc.
> 
> Out of sight, out of mind.
> 
> NO CONTACT is the only way to get over someone.


I agree completely. I had no contact with her for 8 months hoping she was just angry (because the divorce was done and over with in 2 months). 
She did express that she loved me on our last contact prior to yesterday. And she believed I wouldn't change. So I promised myself to change and show her that I did admit my faults and could return a new full partner. 
I hit a wall this month where I needed more than just my hope. I was wondering if she was still mine in a way. I knew I was ready for a genuine answer even if it hurt. And yes I got it. I will not analyze why she did things a certain way (here they label her as a walk away wife, I'm sure she can label me as a sleeping ex husband).

I will try not to mention my love for her because it doesn't matter. I'm satisfied with my determination and actions.
She is the love of my life but my life is not over. 

ALL our friends are mutual and they ALL expected is to get back as I did. I kept my distance from them while I focused in school and my mental health. I lost more than my wife I lost really good friends because I also need NC with them. 

It will be hard but im focused and already have started shaking her image away from my head. It will take time but I'll get there

You are 100% it is done and I must keep no contact in order to progress. We don't have children or anything to keep us in contact. Both out mothers are dead burried side by side (by quincidence probably misspelled that word lol). So that will be hard because I love both of them but it's not my choice we are done.

My family loves her but I told them yesterday that it is over and in order for me to get healthy it would be nice not to mention her.

I have deleted all things to her (phone, Facebook etc).

I know what I have to do. I just have to start doing it. 

I love you Gladys V. but I must say goodbye for my health
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

My brother, sister and brother in law are her friends on facebook and they said they would unfriend her once I had no hope. I told them yesterday that she is moving forward and I would also.

I wanted to check if they did unfriend her by checking her facebookpage but I decided that it didn't matter. It's counterproductive. I can't worry about every little detail.

Today was ok so far. I'll keep moving on. I work at a jr high school and I volunteered to join the after school running program. I'll run the la marathon this year. I think that's a great way for me to start getting healthier. Small steps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> My brother, sister and brother in law are her friends on facebook and they said they would unfriend her once I had no hope. I told them yesterday that she is moving forward and I would also.
> 
> I wanted to check if they did unfriend her by checking her facebookpage but I decided that it didn't matter. It's counterproductive. I can't worry about every little detail.
> 
> Today was ok so far. I'll keep moving on. I work at a jr high school and I volunteered to join the after school running program. I'll run the la marathon this year. I think that's a great way for me to start getting healthier. Small steps
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do not look at FB. Do jot worry about your family interacting with her. That will die its own death.

Get involved at school. Get involved after school and stay healthy.

It is time for Ferndog 2.0!


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## ferndog

I'll try to stop mentioning her here also. Live and learn and im a all ears.

I'm not a person that wants to look for a quick lay. I'm hurting and need to deal with it and make better choices. I have looked in the mirror and know I need more in my life to accomplish. 

Once I'm in a good place I'll look for a quality woman
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> I'll try to stop mentioning her here also. Live and learn and im a all ears.
> 
> I'm not a person that wants to look for a quick lay. I'm hurting and need to deal with it and make better choices. I have looked in the mirror and know I need more in my life to accomplish.
> 
> Once I'm in a good place I'll look for a quality woman
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think that is a good idea. Work on you.

Think of his time as a gift to yourself.

To fix you.


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## ferndog

You sound like a man that's gone through some of life's lessons also
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Friends are curious about what happened. All were pulling for us so I have a few that I'm willing to talk to. I will tell them about how I admit there is no hope and how I'm gonna proceed. 
After today I will not talk about her to anyone. I tell them that I will keep my distance and move on with my life.

I'm comfertable with who I am, what I did and the direction I am going. I also respect her decision and I'm ok with it.

I did 10 months of labor of love for both. For me; I finished my bs. I got in touch with my emotions. I am more open. More understanding more focused more like the person I've always wanted to be.

For her i showed understanding, I left her alone because I listened to what she wanted and from I distance I showed love since oct 26 I wrote letters to her. I would mail them to my sister and she would place them in a shoe box (I did not miss one day till yesterday, and the letters have stopped for good) I showed hope by staying patient by staying loyal till yesterday

Now I will focus on me. And I will show love to myself. I'll water my grass with love, understanding, and patience.

I only wrote this because many never say what they did and if anyone can learn from me, I'm glad to help. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Fern

I have learned a few lessons in my day and I have been married coming up on 20 years.

I have known my for over 26.

Do not say there is no more hope.

If friends want to know what happened just tell them that Gladys decided to move on. Or you can say we decided to move on.

When you mention Hope it tells people that you are still hanging on. 

Just say we parted ways.

Just continue to work on you. I can tell you that life gets better. But only if we work on ourselves.

My wife is awesome. I was very lucky to find her when I was in a very "dark" place. 

We dated for 6 years. She has the highest self esteem of anyone I have ever known. That is what attracted me to her.

There is another woman out there for you. But you have to know who you are and be comfortable in your own skin before you can meet that woman and engage her in anyway.

You have had almost a year to mourn the loss of your marriage.

It is time to move on for you.

And all of us are here to help you.

Have a great day tomorrow and do not get down. I can assure you this is just a new adventure.

And Fern one thing I have learned from the women in my life is that you have to really listen to what they are saying. You might not agree but you need to listen. 

And then you have to act on what they are asking you to try or do. You have to at least try.

Have a good night buddy.

HM64


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## ferndog

One thing that I've learning is that words must be also powerful because one of my closed friends had asked me

"how are you doing ?" I said "I admitted my faults, my issues and I'm fixing them"

He then said " man you can't say that. You can't say fix you have a situation and your dealing with it"

I still wonder why the word fix triggered this response. This was a while back

I saw him today and tried to avoid the fix word even though I still don't know why this word is the wrong one to use.

Now happy you said that about the hope word so I have to wonder these things.

I'm open to learning and want to know if anyone can help explain the importance of certain words (are they a determinant of someone's state of mind) I'm still not sure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> One thing that I've learning is that words must be also powerful because one of my closed friends had asked me
> 
> "how are you doing ?" I said "I admitted my faults, my issues and I'm fixing them"
> 
> He then said " man you can't say that. You can't say fix you have a situation and your dealing with it"
> 
> I still wonder why the word fix triggered this response. This was a while back
> 
> I saw him today and tried to avoid the fix word even though I still don't know why this word is the wrong one to use.
> 
> Now happy you said that about the hope word so I have to wonder these things.
> 
> I'm open to learning and want to know if anyone can help explain the importance of certain words (are they a determinant of someone's state of mind) I'm still not sure
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely. They show your state of mind.

But that will change over time as you work on you.

One thing I will say to you now.

I am sure your wife listed the things she could no longer stand in the marriage.

Make a list of them if you have not already.

Evaluate them and see if they are an issue in your life now and would be a deal breaker with a significant other in a future relationship.

Take that list. Post it on a mirror. On the refrigerator. On your underwear drawer or sock draw.

And vow to fix those issues everyday. Make it a conscious effort to fix those issues so you can be a better person.

I vowed to myself to change certain things about me after I got screwed over many years ago.

I made some major changes in my life including ditching everyone of my friends from High School and even a few from College.

It was hard but the best thing I ever did.

Make those changes and never look back. Only look forward Fern! It is the only way to look without hurting your neck my friend. :rofl:


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## ferndog

Maybe it seems wrong but I am honest

I kept hope that she would return. I was hopeful she would see my changes and return to my life

Now my hope is gone . She closed the door and I accepted it so now there is no hope. And I will move on and get better

It may not sound good but this is exactly how I feel. I had hope but she ended my hope. And through this I will get better. 

This just happened so maybe I'm learning to let go and those words are wrong I guess. I did not decide to move forward without her. I keot her in my future plans.She chose not to be and I accepted it. And yes I'm looking forward.

That is what really happen and I can't sugar coat it as if I had a decision as her not being here but I'm ok with that decision.

My heart has 100% closure. Now let the healing and progress begin.

This is what I feel and honesty is my way to a better me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I keep thinking of her smile. And laughter. I don't think at all about the possible boyfriend.

I can't shake that image not yet.

I feel ok but I have to focus more
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

No contact ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## ferndog

Jellybeans said:


> No contact ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Absolutely not. Does it hurt that she's gone, yes but I know myself worth. 
Since age 15 I've been with her. 20 years later I can say during all this time I've been faithful, true, honest. I have faults and once I recognized them I chose to fix them. 

I'm hurt that she forgot my worth. I wish her the best. And it hurts me so much that she thinks I wasn't worth the time or love. I have a fuel of love in me that keeps me going. It is what drives me and I won't quit. I am in a good place as far as my situation. I recognize that things happen in stages.
Right now I'm in the mourning stage. Next is the dust yourself off and keep walking stage. I have moments of peace and moment of sadness moments of clarity and moments of what she means to me.

I searched online. "can't seem to get over my exwife" it's under Experienceproject.com

It shows how people can really get stuck years and years of pain. They live on the past and regret.

I knew no matter what I didn't want to regret not showing her my love. So I did it. I did all I could she didn't care so I'm ok with it.

I will get better and I'll keep walking. I'm looking forward to what's out there once my pain heals. (although I kept hope I always knew that her leaving forever was a possibility so I detached somewhat)
Now it's over and I'm looking ahead.

They don't make faithful guys like this anymore. I still don't know what I'm going to do as far as dating. But in time I'll get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

I'm sorry to know of your pain. I'm probably more in touch with your wife's pain. I suffered so much with my husband. As a woman, You get to a point where you love that man as a really good friend, and don't want to hurt him. You will say things to ease his pain, unfortunately giving false hope. However, once you reach the breaking point, it's really over. She's moved on. Divorce is the accumulation of it all. She loves you as a person, but doesn't want a relationship with you. I'm sorry to tell you that. Please go forth and move on. Be happy.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> I'm sorry to know of your pain. I'm probably more in touch with your wife's pain. I suffered so much with my husband. As a woman, You get to a point where you love that man as a really good friend, and don't want to hurt him. You will say things to ease his pain, unfortunately giving false hope. However, once you reach the breaking point, it's really over. She's moved on. Divorce is the accumulation of it all. She loves you as a person, but doesn't want a relationship with you. I'm sorry to tell you that. Please go forth and move on. Be happy.


I don't think she likes me as anything lol. She didn't even want to talk to me after 8 months of no contact. She said one day she may call but wants nothing to do with me. She is not ready to talk she said. It hurt me But that's her choice.
I felt bad after 20 years that she couldn't even say bye to me. 

I'll just move forward and learn from this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

Also, I'm gonna tell you something you probably don't want to hear.... She can't help what she feels. Love is not what someone does for you or not. I had a great, loving, caring, faithful husband. I was with him for 22 years, and in love, and thought i was happy. Until i got unhappy. Unfortunately, he hurt me in other ways. I wanted to love him, but could not. I wish I could've made him happy, but I couldn't. Love is mysterious. I told him "I will never put up with what you've done to me with anyone else....and you will never do to me to anyone else" r.Kelly said it best...."when a woman's fed up...."


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Also, I'm gonna tell you something you probably don't want to hear.... She can't help what she feels. Love is not what someone does for you or not. I had a great, loving, caring, faithful husband. I was with him for 22 years, and in love, and thought i was happy. Until i got unhappy. Unfortunately, he hurt me in other ways. I wanted to love him, but could not. I wish I could've made him happy, but I couldn't. Love is mysterious. I told him "I will never put up with what you've done to me with anyone else....and you will never do to me to anyone else" r.Kelly said it best...."when a woman's fed up...."


Yes my brother said when a woman makes up her mind good luck.
I agree. I'm over it. No hard feelings. 

I'll get a quality woman again
I just have to focus right now and grieve her for a bit. Trust me it does hurt but not to the point that I can't hear it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

I saw my husband suffer so much  I wanted to die. But I knew I was literally killing myself by staying together. I felt the grief as well. I mourned it for months. I was shocked by how I felt. I couldn't believe that I was getting a divorce. I cried very night for 18 months, the guilt was more than I could bare. It felt like a deep mourning of someone who has died, the pain is on both sides in a divorce...it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I met him when I was 16, and I was scared. We've only been apart for 2 days. Not yet divorced.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> I saw my husband suffer so much  I wanted to die. But I knew I was literally killing myself by staying together. I felt the grief as well. I mourned it for months. I was shocked by how I felt. I couldn't believe that I was getting a divorce. I cried very night for 18 months, the guilt was more than I could bare. It felt like a deep mourning of someone who has died, the pain is on both sides in a divorce...it was the hardest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I met him when I was 16, and I was scared. We've only been apart for 2 days. Not yet divorced.


So in your situation is there anything he can do to make you change your mind? You were once in love can you get to that place again with hard work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

Unfortunately, no. There are things I can not get over, and I'm shocked by myself. I want nothing except his friendship. I really hope he moves on and finds a good woman. Then I won't feel bad, and I'll be able to move on and be happy.


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## vanessa365

Btw, he did change... But only after I was fed up....by then it's too late and seems fake. I would tell myself I could try to be happy, he was a faithful, hard-working man. But god knows it wasn't in my heart. I gave it time, hoping it was just a phase but after a long time I knew it wouldn't work.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Unfortunately, no. There are things I can not get over, and I'm shocked by myself. I want nothing except his friendship. I really hope he moves on and finds a good woman. Then I won't feel bad, and I'll be able to move on and be happy.


Why would you need him to move on before you do? My ex is moving on and although I don't like it it makes sense. She is choosing her self over others and that's healthy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

Because we have kids, and I don't want to bring someone into my life first, since I'm the one who decided to leave. They might think I left him for someone else.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Btw, he did change... But only after I was fed up....by then it's too late and seems fake. I would tell myself I could try to be happy, he was a faithful, hard-working man. But god knows it wasn't in my heart. I gave it time, hoping it was just a phase but after a long time I knew it wouldn't work.


Ive read a lot about this and usually a woman that has been neglected for so long gets on with her life and gets involved quickly in a serious relationship because they they seek the affection . And a new person will always offer their best in the beginning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Because we have kids, and I don't want to bring someone into my life first, since I'm the one who decided to leave. They might think I left him for someone else.


Just tell them you don't love him and wait a few months. Maybe by January start dating. 4 months is a reasonable time to wait since there is no hope.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

I think that's what drives me the craziest!!!! Knowing that there's someone out there who will make me happy, even just for a little bit. The hope of the new, and exciting! Laughing, dancing, exciting new experiences. But what scares me is not being able to find a long term relationship. Someone who really cares for me, or who cheats and lies.


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## vanessa365

ferndog said:


> Just tell them you don't love him and wait a few months. Maybe by January start dating. 4 months is a reasonable time to wait since there is no hope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Omg, you make it sound so easy! It's really not. I'm scared about what my family might think. I have 2 sons, and they would not approve.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> I think that's what drives me the craziest!!!! Knowing that there's someone out there who will make me happy, even just for a little bit. The hope of the new, and exciting! Laughing, dancing, exciting new experiences. But what scares me is not being able to find a long term relationship. Someone who really cares for me, or who cheats and lies.


That Vanessa is why I know I'm special I hurt yes I will suffer but I will get better and I know I'll be a catch. I just need time to deal with all these emotions and letting go.

My foundation is solid I'm loyal, honest, true, faithful , funny , silly etc
All good qualities I just have to make sure I'm over the depression for good (think I am but not sure yet so I need to really check)

I'm not scared to be alone for a while. I'm just hurt right now but I know that my qualities are desired.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Like my ex and I and you and your x
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Omg, you make it sound so easy! It's really not. I'm scared about what my family might think. I have 2 sons, and they would not approve.


Well your heart let go 18 months ago not two days ago. Are you going to be single forever? You can take time yes , but if you let others lead your decisions well that in itself isn't that great. You can sit them down soon tell them there is no hope for you to get back together and that one day you'll be ready to move on to see what's out there. Prepare them. Then in time (2,4,6,8 months ) you'll begin to see what's out there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

You seem to be what a girl should want, you'll be fine soon. Just get out and meet someone! In my case, I need to find myself and who I am, and especially what I want. At this point just having freedom is relief enough.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> You seem to be what a girl should want, you'll be fine soon. Just get out and meet someone! In my case, I need to find myself and who I am, and especially what I want. At this point just having freedom is relief enough.


I held on to hope and did everything I could. I would write letters and mail them to my sister. She placed them in a box I did not miss a day. I did a lot for myself.
But once I opened that box of letters I realized that I'm too special to hold on if she doesn't believe in me. 

Everyone thought I was weird writing my love, my pain, struggles, my poems, my everything everyday rain or shine. And when I saw all these letters that I wrote, i snapped out of it. I knew I would be ok. I realized that I'm too good for it.

So now I just need to really focus on my goals. Ive always been a logical person so I'll write my goals , how will I achieve them , follow the steps and process my progress 
Stages I want to focus on
Spirituality
Financial stability
Family/friends
Entertainment/fun
Health/exercise
Self worth/ emotional

It's a simple solution it it takes time. 
Maybe if you do a list for yourself and monitor the progress you'll also start in a new healthy positive direction.

"small minds focus on people big minds focus on ideas"
A friend told me that, and I like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Unfortunately, no. There are things I can not get over, and I'm shocked by myself. I want nothing except his friendship. I really hope he moves on and finds a good woman. Then I won't feel bad, and I'll be able to move on and be happy.


If you did not have kids with him would you still want to be friends with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks

Get some IC and some strange. Both help immensely.


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## ferndog

OnTheRocks said:


> Get some IC and some strange. Both help immensely.


I'm actually ok. I'm sure what helped me is that I have no regrets. I showed change and love and I'm satisfied. I knew That as long as I did my part it would be easier even if she didn't come back.

My fear was getting stuck in that zone of constant hope that would take years and years to come out of. 

Now I'm sure that I won't. My desperation has ended. 

I'm not ready for strange (lol). I have to do more self esteem building.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vanessa365

ferndog said:


> If you did not have kids with him would you still want to be friends with him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I would still be his friend if we didn't have kids. We had been through so much, and he's a decent, honest person.
I don't hate him at all.


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## ferndog

vanessa365 said:


> Yes, I would still be his friend if we didn't have kids. We had been through so much, and he's a decent, honest person.
> I don't hate him at all.


Hmmm? My ex didn't even want to talk at all. I thought at least we could be friends (no not like hey let's hang out but call once every two months or do). 
I guess I'm like her safety blanket true love or attached to childhood love and she doesn't want to deal with letting go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks

I know where you are at. I spent a few months there myself. 

My point is that strange can help in and of itself. Maybe it sounds crude, but I firmly believe we are driven by animal instincts much more than most of us like to admit. 

10 months is plenty of time to "reflect"; it's time to start working on "growing". Feeling desired by someone new can't help but build your confidence and self esteem. Continuing to reflect (mope over your ex) will only make you look weaker to her anyway.


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## ferndog

OnTheRocks said:


> I know where you are at. I spent a few months there myself.
> 
> My point is that strange can help in and of itself. Maybe it sounds crude, but I firmly believe we are driven by animal instincts much more than most of us like to admit.
> 
> 10 months is plenty of time to "reflect"; it's time to start working on "growing". Feeling desired by someone new can't help but build your confidence and self esteem. Continuing to reflect (mope over your ex) will only make you look weaker to her anyway.


I'm not really mopping. I guess I was prepared for any answer (they call it being on the fence I see it more like my feet between the line. And either way I was ready to walk in her direction or away).
I'm not I. A financial situation to offer much and I don't feel comfortable nickel and diming it. I have not fully matured to my potential and depending on others anymore.

I'm becoming responsible. In a year I will be much better. I'm trying to set my life in order in many places and I'm succeeding (Im impressed). 

If I think about her yes I can start feeling down because she's everything a man wants. But I realize she doesn't want me and I'm to valuable to waste time on someone who is unattainable.

Like I said I just need to keep working on myself like I am and I'll be ok.

It's just time and patience.
I'll keep watering my grass with love, honesty and patience and I'll make it the greenest possible.

Btw you are correct it's animal instinct to feel desired. I took an sociology class and a main subject was why men are subject to be unfaithful or lust over others. It was very interesting

Thats why faithful men are desired when wanting to settle down because they can focus and create stability (men that have babies all over have to spread their financial resources and that's a quality females do not admire ). Yup that class was interesting
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

ferndog said:


> I'm not really mopping. I guess I was prepared for any answer (they call it being on the fence I see it more like my feet between the line. And either way I was ready to walk in her direction or away).
> I'm not I. A financial situation to offer much and I don't feel comfortable nickel and diming it. I have not fully matured to my potential and depending on others anymore.
> 
> I'm becoming responsible. In a year I will be much better. I'm trying to set my life in order in many places and I'm succeeding (Im impressed).
> 
> If I think about her yes I can start feeling down because she's everything a man wants. But I realize she doesn't want me and I'm to valuable to waste time on someone who is unattainable.
> 
> Like I said I just need to keep working on myself like I am and I'll be ok.
> 
> It's just time and patience.
> I'll keep watering my grass with love, honesty and patience and I'll make it the greenest possible.And I'll reflect but no longer about us but what's needed in my life to make me independent.
> 
> Btw you are correct it's animal instinct to feel desired. I took an sociology class and a main subject was why men are subject to be unfaithful or lust over others. It was very interesting
> 
> Thats why faithful men are desired when wanting to settle down because they can focus and create stability (men that have babies all over have to spread their financial resources and that's a quality females do not admire ). Yup that class was interesting
> 
> Btw I take any advise or opinions seriously and I do appreciate them, keep em coming
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

ferndog said:


> Hmmm? My ex didn't even want to talk at all. I thought at least we could be friends (no not like hey let's hang out but call once every two months or do).


Not every ex wants to remain friends. 
And in your case, even if your wife did want to remain friends, there is no way in hell I'd recommend it to you. Because you aren't over her and still have feelings for her (in love feelings). And it would NOT be conducive to your healing.

One day, not now, but one day you are going to see something or hear something about her and you are going to be happy that you aren't together anymore.

Right now, you are romanticizing your past, you're idealizing her. It's never 100% awesome and rainbows with anyone. The fact that she rejected you makes her seem more great than she actually was, if that makes sense--because you did not have a choice in the matter. But like I said, there WILL come a day when you will be happy that you're not w/ her anymore and think you are better off. 

Go out, buy a new shirt/cologne, get a haircut, smile at a pretty lady, do something you love, discover a new place (restaurant/beach/book) and call up old friends and shoot te sh*t.

One step at a time. Until your new reality is your normal.

One day you are going to look back and having been married to her is going to seem like it was all a dream. That you can't imagine what your life was like really back then ecause you are so used to your new/current life.


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## ferndog

Jellybean (nice name btw 

I agree with you that being her friend would 100% be counterproductive and bad for my mental health because I am in love with her and I am attached to her

As far as how we As rainbows (or always peachy, rosey or happy 100% of the time) that would be false. Truth is I will miss her because our relationship was filled with good times and plenty of smiles. I did hurt her by being closed with my romantic/emotional/sexual side for so long. She put up with a lot and truth is she is 100% quality. 
A woman who stands by you and does everything to let you know there's a problem (she asked to go to therapy, she wrote letters, she wanted to talk, she would cry etc) she did her part. And she got fed up and is moving on well after divorce. No cheating no nothing. No baggage.
Of course she has her faults but she's a beautiful person

I do not think of the woulda coulda because I know I did what I could under the conditions I was in. If I was not able to show emotions toward her it was because I myself was unhappy
(woman want attention and males forget that after time in my case I had bigger issues but I have no excuse).

As far as hearing anything. It's to soon I don't want to hear anything right now. And later on once I get more emotionally stable, I would still just want to hear that her life is full of happiness. I have no anger or bad will towards her. 
I wish she could think I'm worth it. But she doesn't so it's ok.

I'm actually ok with her decision. I wanted to show her my love and I think I showed it in a capacity that I'm comfortable with. She didn't care for it anymore and that's ok.

And yes I will get better I just have to focus on my financial situation more while I look for emotional healing.
And yes I do plan to date maybe by January .

I did a list on what I want (which is a balanced life)

I agree with treating myself better. Clothes, shoes, haircut etc. 
(I an 36 so at my age some men are bald, not sure how you know I have a full set of hair lol) 
I also agree that with time it will be like a dream. That is progress. Being stuck is pretending or allowing yourself to think the person is still within reach. Only way my ex would be in my reach is I were plastic man. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Just thinking and often I have this feeling that no one on earth can protect her like I can. I also feel that I was too busy trying to protect her that I forgot about myself. Kinda feel like I was blind for too long walking her to class, going to prom, walking her to college, being there for graduation, mothers death, her father getting married one month after. Our wedding. Concerts, laughs , new years, I love you babe, crying , getting me out , divorcing , me holding on. Writing letters, writing, me graduating turning back still trying to protect her, time flew the blindfold is off im 36 and no one is protecting me. 

Love is beautiful I think I spread mine towards her and others and saved very little for myself. I was on fumes stuck in a desert lost no one to help and I knew that I would get home. 

I managed to slowly get to a gas station, now I need to fill it before I move on.

Those this sound familiar to others or is it just me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Was going to check Facebook . But I didnt instead I came here.
I'm just trying to be honest.
I cannot believe she doesn't love me but actions speak louder than words.

I keep seeing her walking down the isle. I was doing fantastic earlier what the heck happened?

I'm actually a little angry she doesn't respect my love. I'm better than a throw away email husband. 
I know it I just have to keep focus on me. I guess it's hard for me because I need to air stuff out. I don't want to hold it in. 

Come on time please fast forward till I'm healed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Fern

You guys have been apart for months now.

Stop.

You need to focus on you.

And not on healing. You need to focus on what you need to do to become a better person.

You said your exwife had valid gripes about you.

Fix those issues so you will be a better man for next relationship.

It might require new hobbies and habits. It might require new friends.

It might require a new job.

Look deep inside you and where you are in this stage of your life and determine what you need to do in order to be happy with yourself.

And that is only step one.


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## ferndog

Yes
It's 100% true she had gripes and is right.

And I am fixing them. It's just this feeling of loneliness I guess. 
Or being betrayed but I do understand it's just going to be a tough road. 

I just need to focus and get my life straight so I can find someone special and I'll know I won't make the same mistakes.

I will try to give my new partner all the love in the world and be a great partner, one that when she looks at me gets butterflies all her life because I won't stop showing her my worth and what she means to me.

TAM has helped me so much, it is truly a blessing. Very loving and compassionate people here. 

Many won't say what you want to hear but what you need to hear.
And when my emotions sway me someone is there with a reality check

Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> Yes
> It's 100% true she had gripes and is right.
> 
> And I am fixing them. It's just this feeling of loneliness I guess.
> Or being betrayed but I do understand it's just going to be a tough road.
> 
> I just need to focus and get my life straight so I can find someone special and I'll know I won't make the same mistakes.
> 
> I will try to give my new partner all the love in the world and be a great partner, one that when she looks at me gets butterflies all her life because I won't stop showing her my worth and what she means to me.
> 
> TAM has helped me so much, it is truly a blessing. Very loving and compassionate people here.
> 
> Many won't say what you want to hear but what you need to hear.
> And when my emotions sway me someone is there with a reality check
> 
> Thank you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fern,

I can understand the feeling of loneliness. That will go away with time.

I do not understand why you feel betrayed???

You said quite clearly that your wife tried everything to get you to address your issues for a long time.

In the end she gave up because she could no longer trust you to work on yourself.

I do not see that as betrayal. Look inside yourself and analyze why you feel this way. Address it so you can move forward.

Take each issue one a t a time, focus on it, correct it and before you know it you will feel a lot better about yourself.

I believe you in Fern. And just the fact that you are on TAM speaks about your desire to improve yourself.

Take it one day at a time.

HM64


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## ferndog

Happy man

My ex wife got me out the house under a lie she told me " I need space, I need to to leave for two weeks so I can let my anger go. If you love me please show me Fernie and after we'll be ok, I just need to you to think of why I'm mad"
Then she kissed me and one day before I left she came over and told me " babe I know you don't want to go and you going show me a lot. I love you and we're going to be ok I promise"

So this is why I feel betrayed because there was no need for that . Especially the part of the day before since It was already set to leave,

But I guess she had her reasons. Since that day it was all no contact, and rejections. So she just wanted to hurt me 

But I do thank her because it will make me a better person I'm sure of that.
I am a little angry and don't want to keep that In so I have to learn to let it go.

I have to keep focused and do what I can for me because I know it is over in my brain I just have to pass that message to my heart
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I just noticed that on my last post I instantly used the words "under a LIE".

This shows my anger.
You are right about the power of words

I have to keep track on this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Good Catch Fern. It is all in the words.

Thank you for explaining it to me. I understand the betrayed aspect.

Now put all this in the past and make yourself a promise to have better life and find the one that will love you no matter what happens.

I did that Fern over 26 years ago. My 20th anniversary is in November.

You will find that person too!

The key is to fix yourself. When you are happy with yourself then you will find people are naturally attracted to you because they want a piece of that happiness.

Go make it happen. Today.


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## ferndog

Yes today is it
I'm walking at the park as I'm texting this 

Going to start running once I warm up. I want a strong body mind and soul so walking helps me stay calm. Running will make me stronger and time will allow me to forget.

I'm a catch for sure I just need to put all the pieces together. 

Sorry about not explaining the betrayal part before (thats why I was so confused, that's why I tried so hard)

It's so many details on ones life that not everything gets written down and that's why my emotions are sometimes not understood. 

I'm on the right track I can feel it.
Just going to be tough for me happy because I'm so loyal. I'm so faithful thats why first I have to really focus and detach so I can move forward.

I've kissed only 4 girls in my life (yes girls because I was under 17). Had sex only with my ex. 

I'm 36 and never been on a date. Those things I'll worry about later

But I need to keep focus 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Do you mind opening and sharing your story happy? You can send me a private message if you'd like. 

Do u still think about her on occasion?

Do you still love her in a way?

How long did it take you to get the courage to date?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> Do you mind opening and sharing your story happy? You can send me a private message if you'd like.
> 
> Do u still think about her on occasion?
> 
> Do you still love her in a way?
> 
> How long did it take you to get the courage to date?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fern

My story is quite simple. I very rarely share it.

Was engaged with my high school sweetheart. I was out of the Academy and Active Duty. So we were together for about 8 years.

I came home early on a Xmas Eve pass to surprise her. She was on the couch screwing my BFF from High School. I could not believe what I was seeing as I saw this through the glass doors in the back of her house. Some surprise huh!

So I left. I came back the next night to confront her and she was banging another of my friends.

I left again. I was crushed. Maybe suicidal. But my familycalmed me down.

I broke off all contact with her and my friends. I was able to find out by tricking two of her Gf's that revealed she was sleeping with 5 of my friends. She wanted to get other men out of her system before she married me.

I took each friend in one night and beat them good. Every one of them. I was on a roll. I was angry.

I saved her for last. Right in front of her Mom I took the ring back and told her Mom everything. My fiancee did not deny anything. She was stunned that I knew it all.

Funny thing about it, she and and my BFF showed up at my parents house together on New Years Eve to apologize and try to stay friends.

They even dropped off cookies Fern. Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip. My favorite.

I stayed calm, thanked them, showed them to the door and have never spoken to her again. My parents wanted to kill her. They called a few times but I never called them back.

I did see my BFF about 5 years later. I had my new fiancee with me and he gave me his number to call him so we could catch up. He also told me my girl was hot!

I threw his number out in front of my fiancee (my wife now). My wife looked at me, she had heard the stories and said "Aren't you gonna call him?"

I will never forget this Fern as long as I live, I told my wife "What for, I have you!".

Never look back Fern. Just look forward. I have lived by that motto. I also skipped my last 2 HS reunions. 

But I have kept tabs on those 5 "friends" of mine. Just to see how they are doing. They have decent lives it seems all except for my BFF.

Both of his parents passed away over 10 years ago. Sad, because they were good people. Very upset about what their son did. His Dad even told me his son deserved the beating.

And talk about karma. My "BFF" has had brain surgery and had a good size tumor removed from his head. Has a speech impediment and never married.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

But my story is good Fern. I am married to an awesome woman, who has my back through thick and thin. We have 3 beautiful,funny and smart daughters. My oldest is just going to college in September.

I was a little twisted after that time in my life. But i used it as a lesson.

[B]But I have to say Fern I very rarely look back. I remember the good times, I remember the bad times but I like to think I learned from them so I have mostly great times now![/B]

HM64


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## ferndog

Thanks for sharing. 
Must have been painful. With friends like that who needs enemies right?

I had the opportunity to have a threesome about a month ago.
A high school friend and another female friend of hers. The one I don't know and her H are swingers
The one I do know is married but cheats on her husband

I politely turned it down . I don't know what people think but I want no part of a married woman. Not worth me hurting someone's family just to get a few minutes of pleasure. I felt sorry for her husband.

I want a quality girl so it will take me time but it will happen.

One last thing
I'm not ready to date. I cried yesterday night. I was heard a song by feist named "inside and out" kinda hit me.
So I googled : songs to get over your ex. I'm going to make a playlist and listen to those while I run.

I will have to pretend she's an evil person but what ever helps me right. Lol
Can't keep on focusing on her good qualities or else I'll get stuck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

> I will have to pretend she's an evil person but what ever helps me right. Lol
> Can't keep on focusing on her good qualities or else I'll get stuckE]


Focus on your good qualities and you will be great!

It is all in the mind Fern.......


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## ferndog

If anyone goes back to my very first post on TAM. It was filled desperation. Now I'm in a better place and know I can get better the support here is so great. It's the invisible shoulder to cry on.

Sometime in December it was around 2 or 3 am and I had enough. I asked GOD for help (I'm not religious but have faith). Then I searched the net for help and It was what I needed. Somewhere to put my feelings, thoughts, emotions and not be judged just people sharing advice, opinions and caring for my health,

So thank you all

And especially you happy . I'm glad your here and I feel that this forum somehow helps you in your marriage 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> If anyone goes back to my very first post on TAM. It was filled desperation. Now I'm in a better place and know I can get better the support here is so great. It's the invisible shoulder to cry on.
> 
> Sometime in December it was around 2 or 3 am and I had enough. I asked GOD for help (I'm not religious but have faith). Then I searched the net for help and It was what I needed. Somewhere to put my feelings, thoughts, emotions and not be judged just people sharing advice, opinions and caring for my health,
> 
> So thank you all
> 
> And especially you happy . I'm glad your here and I feel that this forum somehow helps you in your marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fern
I am glad you are here too Fern and the forums are terrific on TAM.

And believe it or not I am religious and have faith Fern but I truly believe that God helps those that helps themselves.

And every once in a while a miracle gets thrown in the mix.

Another lesson I have learned is that I just try to live the best life I can and provide for my family.

I am fortunate to have a great Mom & Dad that have been married over 50 years. They have known each other since they were 7 years old. I have 3 siblings that are married.

My inlaws have been married 48 years. My wife has 3 siblings that are married. 

There is no D in either of our families. It is a fascinating fact. I stress the importance of family to my 3 daughters every chance I get.

As you work on yourself and heal from your D look at the people you meet. Ask them about themselves and their relationships. It will give you valuable insight and help you grow as a person.

HM64


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## ferndog

Yeah i was ashamed of the D. Because I had a big part of it
But I never gave up . I'm glad I didn't.

Now I just can't give up on myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Just the fact that you understand you had a share of the fault in your marriage and subsequent D shows how much you have grown as an adult.

Now conquer the rest of those issues so you are not held back from having a great relationship in the future.

And someday when you run into your ex you can grab her hand, look her in the eye and say "Thank you".

And when she says what for, just say "for showing me the way..."

Then just walk away with your head up high.

That is how you live life my friend.


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## ferndog

At a kids party 
With my friend (anything to get out the house and be social)
And there are some pretty ladies. I guess it's human nature to be attracted to others no matter what my relationship status (or detachment stage) is.

I need to work on myself still and I see now the potential of finding a nice woman with time. I'll just make sure I get all my issues resolved first and have something special to offer.

Right now I can just offer potential. And that's why my ex left because it never paid off. I'm going to make sure It comes true first.

Once Im comfortable with who I am that's when I'll start looking. No time frame but I'm guessing sometime next year

I like myself  
I just want to love myself
I'll keep watering my own grass, someone special will notice in time how green it is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Had a good time this weekend. I'm at a friend's house enjoying a BBQ and now that it has slowed down I feel my heart a little empty. There are 4 couples here and I'm the only single guy. Gonn a try and stay strong because I did do all I can and it was not enough for her. I guess it's just releasing her. I love music but immavoiding any love longs.

I don't want to fail anymore, I failed enough. I don't want to fail myself
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks

Stop with the reflections, and count your blessings that you don't have a kid with this ungrateful POS.


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## ferndog

I'm not reflecting. I just miss something. No details no memories just want to have more
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

You are correct in the fact I have to just toughen up ontherocks. Let me focus on this that that doesn't break me will only make me stronger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Fern

You will not fail because failure is not an option.

Get "failure" out of your vocabulary.


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## OnTheRocks

Onward and upward, my friend.


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## ferndog

Ontherocks when you said POS I wanted so fast to defend her. I'm still trying to be her protector. I don't think she is that but I feel she failed me when I showed her my value and I failed her during our marriage do we are even
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks

STOP. Move on. I've been where you're at, and it ain't fun.


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## ferndog

OnTheRocks said:


> STOP. Move on. I've been where you're at, and it ain't fun.


Yes I am miving on but I'm not a robot. It's going to take me a little time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Main reason I feel weird is really do because I feel ashamed of being divorced. Do I just researched if there are particular reasons why I feel this way and I found this

"Typically, we feel guilty when we have done something wrong or in the case of divorce, when we have done something to our ex spouses that contributed to the divorce or was the complete cause of the divorce. In this case, it can be really difficult to get over the guilt and move on, but it can be done. The first things you need to do is think of the reason you’re feeling guilty. What did you do or what did you say that is making you feel guilty now? Think of the thing you have done and then accept it. This is very important – you need to accept the fact that you did whatever it was you did so that you can move on with your life. Next, you need to realize that everyone makes mistakes and that you are human. Now, you need to take the thing that you’re feeling guilty over and use it to improve your life. Perhaps you cheated on your spouse or maybe you didn’t have enough communication in your marriage and this contributed to the downfall of your marriage. Whatever it was, recognize it and do something to work on it. For instance, you could get some counseling or therapy to teach you how to be more communicative so that this will not happen in the future. You can use your negative and guilty feelings to improve your future by preventing the same things from happening again. "

I feel guilty for lack of emotional support and lack of communication. So I must get rid of this first. I want to be at peace with myself. (100% it's over there is no doubt I n my mind I just want up clear my feelings of shame and guilt so I won't do it again with my. Next loved one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I just received an email about me helping promote an ebook (costs $5). Of course I'm willing to help anyone and if this book is productive for them healing im more than willing but if it's not then no. So does anyone know about this book?
It's titled Life After Divorce: A survival guide for women"

So let me know if it's a quality book
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

My father was married to my mother for 38 years before she died of cancer. It's been 4.5 years since her death. Once in a while I remember her and her laughter and I live and miss her but I know it's a natural thing when one dies and her death although she died young (59) is not a tragedy. She left no small children we all grew up loving her and the youngest was 22 at her time of death.
My father cries for her everyday till this day. He is productive builds stuff around the house (art stuff and since he is retired has a lot of time).
Since my financial situation is not the best I only have this place to live and will be here one year while I finish my credential and fix my finances.

He does not make it easy on me since everything leads to my mother an often mentions my ex. I told him that door is closed but he tends to keep going. Once in a while I'll be just relaxing because I'm doing a lot of productive stuff (hobbies, working, exercising, cleaning. Shirt designing etc). So I'll be tired and just sitting or laying down. He often comes in and tells me stories and they all lead to were he thinks I'm depressed. I actually am not . I fought my way out of it and continue to work not to fall into it again.

He puts more pressure on me. It's going to be a tough year can't wait for school to start
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

You gotta love your Dad Fern.

Sounds like a great guy. And he must love your Mom tremendously. Notice the present tense. Death does not end that kind of love.

And it is nice how he worries about you.

Just show him over time that he has nothing too worry about Fern.......


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## ferndog

He's a great man
When he worked he was always home 45 minutes later. 
He never stopped showing my mother love and I admire that.
If he knew my ex was dating I'm sure he would be hurt so I just told him that she is really hurt and doesn't believe in me anymore.

I told him I'm sure it won't work so I am moving on. Yes he loves me and you are correct I'll show him that I'll be ok. I want to work as hard as I can so I can show him my positive changes (and independence) so he won't worry. I'll take him on vacation first chance I get.

I am thankful for all my family, they have all been here for me but I'm doing a lot better time will help me and this word FOCUS.

My shadow holds a heart up where ever I go. Yup I'm getting there slowly but honestly.

Now I'm wondering when some people say they will change and after one month they think they have done it, it's been 10 constant months for me and everyday I still find little things to work on. Maybe they are faster than me, or I had more issues (pretty sure I do). 

Happy one day I hope to have the pleasure to take you and yours out to dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Fern

You are too funny.

No dinner, I am on a diet. But thank you for the kind offer.

Take a few bucks every once in a while and go buy a lottery ticket.

I manage a sales team in NY City. When I think they did something great or unique I buy them a scratch off.

We have had a few nice winners too!

So go out and get lucky. It is the only kind of lucky where you can't get someone pregnant Fern!!

And your wife should date. Be happy for her. Be glad she did not screw you over for someone else. Follow her footsteps Fern.

You are already on your way.


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## ferndog

Just sad that she ran out of love when mine runs so deep. I'm 100% sure no man can love her like I can (20 years of faithfulness) but that's out of my hands I try not to think of her but every story reminds me of her. In 1996 her mother (R.I.P) sent a lottery that said chance on it. She was picked. We went to Sacramento (I went with them ;D

The game was calls dream house. 3 lucky people stood behind 3 doors.
One door was $3000 the other was $5000 and the other was a key.

She got the key. With the key she proceeded to the next round. She then had to pick 3 keys out of 16. They would then say the prize (according to the order she picked), to be honest I forgot what keys ah picked but at the end she won $20000 (14400 after taxes). With that she gave each of her kids (my ex and her brother) $2000. And the rest was a down payment on a house. 

When she died her husband (my ex father in law) got married within a month. He wanted money so they refinanced the house he took out $40k. My ex kept the house and that's where she still lives.

Her mother was a beautiful lady. I love her almost as much as my own. She is by chance burried literay 5ft away from my mother. I always take both of them flowers and I always will.

That's my lottery story 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

One last thing. I had a gambling problem betting on sports (not lottery or going to Vegas) so I no longer gamble. (yes my ex put up with a lot ) I haven't gambled since January.

And hopefully never again except the occasional Vegas trip once in a while but that will be closely monitored
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> One last thing. I had a gambling problem betting on sports (not lottery or going to Vegas) so I no longer gamble. (yes my ex put up with a lot ) I haven't gambled since January.
> 
> And hopefully never again except the occasional Vegas trip once in a while but that will be closely monitored
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now I am sorry I brought up gambling. My bad.

Great story by the way.

And I think your wife was an angel when she was married to you Fern. But maybe not in the end. Sometimes I get the impression she was at the end of her rope with you???

Just keep the positive thoughts. 

And work on you.......


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## ferndog

Yes she was. I don't think anymore. 

And never be sorry for bringing up ideas. I'm the one that should be sorry for not being string enough to control certain things, I'm so glad I'm changing. I know one day soon I'll put all the pieces together and like you said ferndogg2.0 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> Yes she was. I don't think anymore.
> 
> And never be sorry for bringing up ideas. I'm the one that should be sorry for not being string enough to control certain things, I'm so glad I'm changing. I know one day soon I'll put all the pieces together and like you said ferndogg2.0
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is all about strength, love and commitment.

But do not forget forgiveness. 

You can forgive her but I think you really know deep down she ha to save herself.

And when you are healed, addictions under control you need to learn to forgive yourself.

I have learned that lesson myself.

No one is perfect and we only get one shot at this life.

So do not waste it.....


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## ferndog

Happy
Forgiving her is not a problem. She has always been beautiful that's why when someone tries to say negative things about her I feel bad because I know in my heart she is innocent and not to blame. I do not need to forgive her, this whole thing was about her hopefully forgiving me.
She was an angel. But she had enough and is no longer that. She has transformed. (no not into a devil lol but into a person that is protecting her heart). 

Last Tuesday I wanted to at least thank her over the phone. She text me "I'm not ready to talk to you please leave me alone"

And because ive changed , I did. I felt sad and hurt that even after so long she did not even want to talk to me (I knew she was different once I couldn't break that guard, I knew then that I had lost her for good).

I honestly feel content because in my heart I know I did everything to show her I love her and that I was really changing but she closed the door and I accept it.

As far as forgiving myself I know I will, once I become the person I want to be. I have changed more than I ever thought I would and because of those changes I see I need more things to work on.

I'll miss her but she is gone and it's ok. GOD forgive us because our love was real. Mine still is and I have to burry it so deep that it doesn't hurt me because it's a lost cause
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

That is cool Fern.

And you have to respect her wishes.

And maybe in a few months you can send her a letter thanking her and hope she heals and becomes the whole woman you once knew again.

But the key is to work on you.

I agree that needs to be your main focus.


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## ferndog

I thanked her in a message. I wanted that book closed because I knew I would not reach out to her again.

I thanked her for everything she's ever done for me and also for her waking me up. Now I'm able to get better and reach my potential while also fixing my emotional issues. And I told her that while I'm working on myself I hope she works on her pain and self, friends tell me she looks young and happy. And I'm glad
I no longer have to reach out to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

ferndog said:


> Happy
> Last Tuesday I wanted to at least thank her over the phone. She text me* "I'm not ready to talk to you please leave me alone"*





ferndog said:


> I thanked her in a message. I wanted that book closed because I knew I would not reach out to her again.
> 
> I thanked her for everything she's ever done for me and also for her waking me up.


You broke No Contact.And worse, she told you NOT to contact her and you did. Why? 

Did she write back?

Please find your dignity and stop reaching out to someone who has told you specifically they do *NOT* want you to contact them.


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## ferndog

Jellybeans said:


> You broke No Contact.And worse, she told you NOT to contact her and you did. Why?
> 
> Did she write back?
> 
> Please find your dignity and stop reaching out to someone who has told you specifically they do *NOT* want you to contact them.


Jellybeans I did not break contact. Im not sure if you misunderstood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

I did misunderstand because you said "I thanked her in a message" and it apperas you did so after she told you she didn't want you to contact her.


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## ferndog

No. It was included all on my last message. She asked not to be contacted and I haven't (and won't).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Oh I see.


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## ferndog

Jellybeans said:


> Oh I see.


Posts are like emails. Sometimes the message is read wrong (because of wording or tone). I've known some couples or friends that get mad because of a misunderstanding over texts. 

Example 
Wife to husband; do you love me? I think we need to talk to we can continue

Husband; yes but can't right now meeting is to boring 

Wife then gets angry thinks he is avoiding talking to Her. 

What he meant was yes I love you and we will take later but I can't right now, I'm at a meeting and it's boring 

Happened to me

She blew up on my face . Messages should be respected
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I find myself feeling lonely alot. However I do not want to date yet ( if I did I would be setting my self up for another breakup).
I want to build more self esteem and truly love myself. I'm comfertable in my own skin it took me along time just to feel like this. Now that my ex is gone for good I must prepare myself for the future.

I want to be my best and right now I know I need more work. I go to work I also joined the marathon club after school and started lifting weight.

School will start on sep 20th. I just wished I could do more to be productive and get this loneliness feeling away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> I find myself feeling lonely alot. However I do not want to date yet ( if I did I would be setting my self up for another breakup).
> I want to build more self esteem and truly love myself. I'm comfertable in my own skin it took me along time just to feel like this. Now that my ex is gone for good I must prepare myself for the future.
> 
> I want to be my best and right now I know I need more work. I go to work I also joined the marathon club after school and started lifting weight.
> 
> School will start on sep 20th. I just wished I could do more to be productive and get this loneliness feeling away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fern,

What type of job do you have and where are you going to school/what degree are you pursuing?

HM64


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## ferndog

I work at a jr high school. 
I go to csula I just earned my BS in kinesiology
I'm attending in the fall for my credentials (that takes 5 qrts)
I have a timeline and once I finish school I will be debt free with around 5k in the bank. Not a lot but a start
Then I plan to save 100k in the next 4 years since I don't owe anything this is possible I just need to keep focusing on that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

I would like to have kids at some point. I'm not the youngest (even though I look younger than I am but my bones remind me in the mornings that I'm not lol).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

ferndog said:


> I work at a jr high school.
> I go to csula I just earned my BS in kinesiology
> I'm attending in the fall for my credentials (that takes 5 qrts)
> I have a timeline and once I finish school I will be debt free with around 5k in the bank. Not a lot but a start
> Then I plan to save 100k in the next 4 years since I don't owe anything this is possible I just need to keep focusing on that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very interesting Fern.

My BIL is the head of Physical Therapy at Columbia Presbyterian in NY City. His degree is in kinesiology.

He makes big bucks and has a clinic on the side.

He also worked for the NY Yankees as their PT.

Get your degree. You can make great money and make even better contacts.

His clinic works with grammar and high school kids.

Just Do It Fern!


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## ferndog

One thing you can ask anyone that knows me is that I have a heart of gold. I'm honestly a great guy maybe that's why I felt so bad and dissapointed when my ex life partner couldn't see my value. But as long as I don't stop believing and keep going (working studying and bettering myself ) then I can't go wrong.

Loneliness leave me alone 
Btw using this phone I realized that it makes many misspells lol I'm not the best speller but I'm also not that bad lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

Out at some kareokee bar with my brother. Wow what is going on I have three woman trying to get my number, one already made it clear I can do a lot more,
Can they smell free man??????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ferndog

There was a waitress at the place that was very attractive. My brother dared me to talk to her. Truth is I didn't feel comfertable because for some weird reason I feel is like cheating. I guess after so many years (20) of being faithful it's natural. So I got my nerve up to talk to her (I'm pretty good at conversating once it starts) so I talked to her for 20 minutes or so and to my surprise she gave me her number . I was shocked!!! Her b day is on the 15th of Sep. so she told me to call her and join her. 

I actually don't think it will lead to anything but it was a confidence booster. It's just weird was going on I still don't like it but that's my position. I hate being single . I don't like not having someone to talk to when I get home. At least I know Im progressing to finally accepting I'm single. Weird
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

ferndog said:


> There was a waitress at the place that was very attractive. My brother dared me to talk to her. Truth is I didn't feel comfertable because for some weird reason I feel is like cheating.


I went through that a lot too. I was still not over what happened (the separation, divorce, etc) so anytime a man talked to me, I felt I was doing something bad.

In time, it gets better. That feeling wanes.


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