# How to come back from this?



## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

At the time we met, I was 33, my husband was 24 (he looked older bc of the beard!). I met my husband in 2013 during a study abroad trip. We worked in the same area of a trench (archaeology dig) for several weeks. I fell fast for him. Prior to the trip (and prior to meeting me), he had reserved a few nights in a castle. I ended up staying with him during that time after the trip. I felt we were so close. I have only had one other relationship prior to this, and have only been with one man prior to this marriage. I tried to put the moves on him and he was horrified/terrified. I didnt think much of it because he was raised in a VERY religious background as a child, but had been atheist for a few years.

Upon returning to the states, we continued the relationship (long-distance) but in the same state, as he was in grad school. After two more years, he never finished grad school- blaming everyone from the dept chair, his mentor, professors, you name it. He then got the idea to move to Canada for grad school. I was supportive. Prior to that, his parents kicked him out of the house because it came to light that he was atheist. They blamed me for "turning him from God." I believe myself to be a good person, and also do not believe in judging others for religious beliefs.

During his brief time in Canada, I provided emotional /financial support. He is prone to anxiety and began to really be in a bad place, and was also blaming others once again wth regards to his academic performance- the TA's the professors, etc. I was leaving soon for New Zealand (I had received a fellowship- 5 months). I offered to fly him there with me, since things were becoming so bad and he had said he was quitting anyhow. He flew there to join me in NZ. Our time living in New Zealand was magical (although I realize now- unrealistic circumstances- we should have lived together in "reality" first). When I was't doing research or visiting schools, we traveled (North and South Island), visited beautiful parks, enjoyed the country, I took him to all the Lord of the Rings filming locations. Now-this is important later- all of this was on my dime- food, travel, clothing all of it. It was AMAZING, though. As our time began coming to an end, I asked if he wanted to get married. Without hesitation, he said Yes! I never saw myself getting married ever- I thought this person understood me and I saw us together forever, despite coming from different experiences/ backgrounds.

We were married at the courthouse and his mom flew from the states to join us, despite disliking me for being atheist.

Fast forward to moving together back in the states. He had never had a job, and had been supported by his parents. Then he moved in with me having no income (I thought he would get a job soon). I also didnt know about the computer game addiction as the computer was not with us in NZ. I asked him to please get a job to help with bills. He spent hours on the computer- wouldnt help with chores, shopping anything. He said he was applying to jobs, and went to about 4 interviews. This went on for three years. I suggested separation due to the strain on me providing financially, taking care of the home, no intimacy, constant gaming etc. He begged saying he had "no one". Then I offered to pay for his teaching cert. He got a job a year later and hated it (he just really couldnt handle the basics of having a job), and fought with me when I asked him to help out financially with grocerious or anything for OUR home. As soon as he got home, He went to the computer we rarely interacted, despite me trying, and isolated himself from me. I provided moral support throughout the work day, which was hard bc I was also working. I encouraged him to stick it out, although sometimes he would skip for several days calling in sick to play video games. I expressed my concerns about the addiction multiple times, and he would become angry stating I dont appreciate his hobby. One day, I finally said- "who do you love more- me or the computer games". He said it is a different kind of love. I started talking divorce soon after- I needed space but he begged no. There was no sex in our relationship at all. He would sleep in the sunroom and I would wake to find him with his penis out surrounded by tissues (daily), and I caught him viewing porn, but he would never touch me in any way. I cleaned up the tissues daily because he wouldnt and it was gross to have that around my cats and guests. It was mounds of tissues.We hugged/kissed probably about 8-9 times in the relationship total of 7 years, but I stayed with him because of my marriage vow. Suddenly, he has been all about the divorce and moved out. Despite the daily porn and everything, I begged do you feel anything for me, and cried for hours at a time sitting next to him. He remained stone cold playing video games. He moved out, and pushed heavily for divorce, saying if I dont take care of it he will, so I filed, even though I wanted to talk it out. I think he met someone and was/is cheating- I felt something change. I asked for counseling, reconciliation- he refuses. His responses to texts sound nothing like him (word choice, use of things like OMG- I have known the man for 7 years). It is as though he is having someone else read our personal messages and collaboratively responding with him. I was with him 7 years, and for 7 years he used me. I allowed it because I married him and vowed to support in sickness and health. I have asked why did you marry me if you werent ready. First he said he did bc he loved me, then he startred saying bc I pressured him. All I did was say "I love you, do you want to get married". As a grown man, he could have said, let's get to know each other, or I am not ready, or anything. No matter what I say, he blames me for everything. I am now 40, and have such little experience in relationships, as I only have had a total of 2- one boyfriend, then one husband. My trust in men is now severely broken, and my self esteem has been affected, having felt undesired, unnattractive, and my husband refused to have sex with me the entire relationship, despite me putting moves on him. He used me for emotional/ financial support and once financially stable, moved on. If anyone took the time to read my long post, How can I ever trust anyone again?


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Once you are through the worst part of the breakup, you will feel so much better! This was not a man you married, it was a child looking for another mother to support him and take care of him. He will do this again and another person will waste years of their life taking care of him. You are the lucky one for getting out of this now!

Somewhere out there is a man that will love and treat you with respect. Take this as a learning experience and use it in your future. Take some time for reflection and explore what made you stay with someone who treated you so poorly for so long. This is important because it will help you avoid falling into a similar relationship again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through all of this. You are clearly hurting quite a bit. 

How long ago did he leave you? How long have you been divorced?

The work you need to do now is to focus on yourself. I think you would benefit from individual counseling. You need to figure out why you stayed with a man who mistreated you to that extent for so long.

Do you have any extended family and/or friends that you can lean on in these times?


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## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry to hear that you have gone through all of this. You are clearly hurting quite a bit.
> 
> How long ago did he leave you? How long have you been divorced?
> 
> ...


Yes. My family/friends have been extremely supportive. He left me a month ago. I filed the paperwork this week, so this is very recent.


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## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

Violet28 said:


> Once you are through the worst part of the breakup, you will feel so much better! This was not a man you married, it was a child looking for another mother to support him and take care of him. He will do this again and another person will waste years of their life taking care of him. You are the lucky one for getting out of this now!
> 
> Somewhere out there is a man that will love and treat you with respect. Take this as a learning experience and use it in your future. Take some time for reflection and explore what made you stay with someone who treated you so poorly for so long. This is important because it will help you avoid falling into a similar relationship again.


Thank you for this insight. I chose to stay because I believed strongly in trying to make the marriage work, but I see I need to look out for myself and my best interests as well, and should not have stayed just for the sake of the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Turtle2020 said:


> Thank you for this insight. I chose to stay because I believed strongly in trying to make the marriage work, but I see I need to look out for myself and my best interests as well, and should not have stayed just for the sake of the marriage.


Don't be too hard on yourself for staying too long and trying to make it work. A lot of us do that. In hindsight we can see clearly what went wrong. But when we are in the middle of the situation, it's not always easy to see the forest for the trees.

One thing that you might want to look into is how to set good boundaries. Boundaries are about what we will allow in your lives. They do not control the behavior of the other person.

For example, a good boundary is something like "I will not stay in a relationship/marriage where I am the sole/main financial support because my husband won't work."

Another good one is "I will only continue in a relationship/marriage in which we have a good, active, loving sex life."

Then if you are in a relationship where either of your boundaries are broken, you end the relationship. The way to not end up in a bad marriage is to not tolerate things that break your boundaries. 

There are some good books on places like amazon.com about how to define good, healthy boundaries and how to enforce them to prevent the type of situation you found yourself in.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Turtle2020 said:


> How can I ever trust anyone again?


I couldn't read this wall of text. It was just way too much when you stopped putting in paragraphs.

The gist I got from skimming this novel is that you *chose* to marry a loser. That's exactly what you did. You chose to marry a jobless loser who depended on his parents to support him, and then he had NO problem letting a woman 10 years older than himself support his worthless ass. And you married this loser, expecting him to just magically become a productive decent human being - even though he'd already SHOWN you what an opportunistic parasite he was.

He *showed* you but you _refused_ to see it and just kept turning a blind eye to it because you wanted that Disney ending SO damned bad.

The only one you can't trust is yourself, if I'm being honest. If you don't have the ability to accept the truth about someone when it's *right in your face*, then the one you can't trust is YOURSELF.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Turtle2020 said:


> Thank you for this insight. I chose to stay because I believed strongly in trying to make the marriage work, but I see I need to look out for myself and my best interests as well, and should not have stayed just for the sake of the marriage.


Honestly, I think you stayed because you wanted this loser at all costs - and that's what you'd been doing for years. If he hadn't left, you'd STILL be lowering those expectations and continuing to cling to him like grim death. 

It's sad when a woman will literally accept crumbs from some bum just to keep him in her life.

He did you a favor when he leftr because you wouldn't do it for yourself. It's the ONE act of decency he's shown you in years.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s a user. The world is full of people like him and they look for givers like you. Focus on you going forward.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you proposed to him, he saw an opportunity to get away from his parents and he took it. I doubt love played much of a part for him. He hasn’t grown up yet and may never so better to have it end now than decades down the road. Look at it as a lesson learned.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You have gotten some tough love but sometimes it takes a disinterested 3rd party to tell it like it is. 

Yes, he is a L.O.S.E.R. 

But worse than that, he is a parasitic user, a leech that sucks your blood and gives you nothing in return. 

I actually believe you are correct in that someone else is reading your txts and sending you back responses. It makes perfect sense and would fit his modus operandi completely. He really doesn't do anything for himself so it makes perfect sense that he would have someone else manage his txts while he plays his computer games. 

That should show you the depth of his lack of ability and lack of life skills. He is a drone. 

My advice is to get him off of your teet as quickly and efficiently as possible. He is a toxic parasite and sooner you are rid of him the quicker you will recover and better off you will be. 

Then my other suggestion is to get into some serious individual therapy to determine why you thought he was good partner material and to help you address your self esteem and self worth issues and help you fix your "Picker" so that you don't just go from one exploitive parasite to the next.


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## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You have gotten some tough love but sometimes it takes a disinterested 3rd party to tell it like it is.
> 
> Yes, he is a L.O.S.E.R.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this advice, and your thoughts. I didn't know about the computer issue for the first couple of years because the first part of our relationship was abroad, then long distance. Upon discovering how deep the issue was, I should have ended the relationship when it began to take its toll. I filed divorce paperwork last week.


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## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

Openminded said:


> When you proposed to him, he saw an opportunity to get away from his parents and he took it. I doubt love played much of a part for him. He hasn’t grown up yet and may never so better to have it end now than decades down the road. Look at it as a lesson learned.


Thank you for takinng the time to read my post. I definitely consider this a lesson learned. I have very little relationship experience, and this relationship has helped me to understand what a relationship should/ should not look like - marriage or not.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Turtle2020 said:


> I filed divorce paperwork last week.


That is good. just remember he is toxic and sucking you dry and is a detriment to your well being. The sooner and more efficently you can get rid of him the better.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Turtle2020 said:


> I definitely consider this a lesson learned. I have very little relationship experience, and this relationship has helped me to understand what a relationship should/ should not look like - marriage or not.


This is why I suggest getting into therapy to address your self esteem issues and fix your picker. Otherwise you will just fall back into a pattern and end up with someone just as bad if not worse.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

I don’t suspect he’s cheating, my guess/bet would be on his parents offering a better deal without the nagging. (I don’t consider your expressed concerns to be nagging, btw, just his perception of it).


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## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

OnTheFly said:


> I don’t suspect he’s cheating, my guess/bet would be on his parents offering a better deal without the nagging. (I don’t consider your expressed concerns to be nagging, btw, just his perception of it).


Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It is interesting you mention that. He went to go visit his family a few weeks ago (after not speaking with them in over 5 years). I hope everyone can work to have a healthy relationship with their parents. I was not invited, and was told a day before he left. You are probably correct, and if so, very perceptive!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I agree. I think life was much easier for him with mommy and daddy and there’s a deal in the works.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Turtle2020 said:


> How can I ever trust anyone again?


Get to know him a lot better than you did this guy. You had fun in NZ, but that didn't count as getting to know him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sister, I'm going to take a slightly different angle here. Woman to woman: Yes this guy is a loser, but from what you've said you kind of did pressure him. Think about it ....33 to 24 is a huge difference....9 years at that age is huge in terms of maturity. You actively pursued him, paid for everything, acted like his mother, and even proposed to him. Cmon....how did you think it was going to go if you had to go to such lengths? This guy clearly wasn't ready to be a husband.

A guy who wants you will pursue you. It's good you filed, now stop with the trust in men stuff and take some responsibility for the fact that you pursued a 24 year old kid and acted like his mother

I think you will find there is power in taking responsibility for your poor decisions because you control you.

Now find yourself a grown man who's willing to pursue YOU and give him a fair chance.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I agree with Life is too short.
Find a grown up that meets your requirements, instead of a "Fixer Upper" that you think you can mold into someone you want.
Learn from your mistake, gain wisdom from life lessons, and find someone who wants to be with you, and someone who wants you to be with them.


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## Turtle2020 (Jul 12, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, I'm going to take a slightly different angle here. Woman to woman: Yes this guy is a loser, but from what you've said you kind of did pressure him. Think about it ....33 to 24 is a huge difference....9 years at that age is huge in terms of maturity. You actively pursued him, paid for everything, acted like his mother, and even proposed to him. Cmon....how did you think it was going to go if you had to go to such lengths? This guy clearly wasn't ready to be a husband.
> 
> A guy who wants you will pursue you. It's good you filed, now stop with the trust in men stuff and take some responsibility for the fact that you pursued a 24 year old kid and acted like his mother
> 
> ...


I appreciate your perspective. He was not honest with his age until later, and once I found out, I should have considered that. And yes- I should have thought more about the consequences of the decisions I made, and not have allowed myself to be sweet talked and promised he would get a job. Thank you for taking the time to read my information.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard was this: You don't want a man who needs you to complete him. You want a man who comes to you already complete. 

So, don't accept a guy who still has some maturing to do. Find a mature man. Don't get into a relationship with a guy who isn't financially independent. Make financial responsibility in a partner a boundary for yourself. Don't sign up to deal with a guy who is "battling" an addiction. Find a guy without addictions or who has been firmly living in solid recovery for many years. Don't get into a relationship with a man who blames everything on other people. Look for a guy who is capable of personal responsibility, even in the face of failure. Don't accept a man who needs a partner in order to feel complete. Find a guy who knows what healthy relationships look like and how to participate in one because he's emotionally stable and happy within himself. 

The trick for all this, of course, is that you need to be a mature, financially responsible, non-addict (not even shopping or collecting or rescuing) with a good sense of personal ownership over your life, who knows what a healthy relationship looks like and how to participate in one, as well. 

Work with a therapist to learn how to improve your self-esteem, set and maintain good boundaries, and be healthy and happy as a single person. You'll stand a MUCH better chance of then finding someone who is also emotionally healthy. And you won't put up with partners who aren't. That's the way to find a healthy relationship: Be healthy yourself and don't date people who aren't healthy, too.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It is easy to say "I like this and this, and these other things I will change to suit me after the deal is inked". 

And if you're buying a house, that is fine. 

For a spouse, make sure they are willing and able to satisfactorily change those other things before the deal is inked. The bigger the change, the more skeptical you need to be about meaningful change.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sister, I'm going to take a slightly different angle here. Woman to woman: Yes this guy is a loser, but from what you've said you kind of did pressure him. Think about it ....33 to 24 is a huge difference....9 years at that age is huge in terms of maturity. You actively pursued him, paid for everything, acted like his mother, and even proposed to him. Cmon....how did you think it was going to go if you had to go to such lengths? This guy clearly wasn't ready to be a husband.
> 
> A guy who wants you will pursue you. It's good you filed, now stop with the trust in men stuff and take some responsibility for the fact that you pursued a 24 year old kid and acted like his mother
> 
> ...


While I do believe that everyone should show initiative and pursue their interests, I do see the value in the tradition of men being the ones to make the proposals and be the ones to purchase the ring and ask her parents for their blessing etc etc 

This isn't just a tradition to appease grandmothers, like many traditions it has it's roots in very nuts and bolts rationale and benefit. 

The catch here is a woman can pretty much talk a man into just about anything if there is some tail involved in it, even though his heart and soul may not be in it at all. A guy can be into his video games in his mom's basement and some gal can come up to him and say they can have sex all the time if they get married so would he like to marry her and that guy may very say "OK." 

Then months or even years into the marriage, he's still playing video games and leaving his cereal bowls sitting under the couch getting all crusty with dried on Wheaties and doing virtually nothing to actually carry his weight in a marriage and home and family. 

So the rationale of the man pursuing the woman and shelling out several months worth of income on a ring, getting her parent's blessing and then getting down on bended knee to propose marriage and a long term life-plan, shows that he is actually serious about it, has given it some thought and at least has the motivation to go through the traditional steps towards marriage. 

Otherwise if it's the women doing the pursuit and proposals of marriage etc, you'll have guys that simply nod their heads and go along with it for awhile to keep their supply of poon uninterupted for awhile. 

So yeah, this guy just went with the flow and appeased her and went along with it to keep from rocking the boat even though his heart wasn't actually in it and he wasn't LTR or marriage material.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

These days, a lot, and I mean a lot of 24 years old men are still playing with their toys. They are NOT ready to embark on a mature enterprise like marriage. At 24 a lot more women maturity-wise are there, but not too many 24 years old men.


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