# How can I convince my fiancee to not want kids?



## TwomoreguysandaWalnut

k I know this is a marriage forum but we are getting married in about a week and a half after being together for about 3 years. She has always been pretty adamant about wanting kids but we are still pretty young, will she change her mind when she gets older? Or can I convince her to not want kids? I always told her I would think about it and that has been enough so far but as I get closer to the wedding I wonder more if it will cause problems in the marriage later. Or maybe she will forget about having kids if we focus on our professional and school lives. I really don't know what to do because we have already put a bunch of money into the wedding and I want her to be happy but I really cannot see myself as a dad, I literally hate kids and babies. I can act very well so no one would suspect it but I cannot stand them, can't stand other peoples kids and especially can't stand her niece or nephew. The only kids I don't mind are snarky kids from movies but I know that's entirely unrealistic and my kids won't always be as funny as a Hollywood writer could make them. Anyway that is my situation and I really don't know what to do. I love her very much but I hate kids doesn't matter who.

Edit: also we both signed for an apartment together for a year.


----------



## daisygirl 41

You need to have an emergency meeting with your fiancé.
If she wants children the. You will not be able to persuade her otherwise. And why should you? She will resent you for the rest of your marriage. If you truly do not want children ever then do the right thing and be honest with her. She might think she will be able to persuade you but you need to be clear with her.

You've got money invested in the wedding? The apartment? So what. It means nothing compared to marrying this girls with false promises and deception.

As long as you are sure this isn't just Pre wedding nerves then you MUST tell her how you feel.
I would never have married my H if he didn't want a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess

Don't marry her if you do not want children. It's not fair that you are asking her to give up children for a lifetime because YOU don't want them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dormant

You two have to talk, NOW!!!!


----------



## deejov

Maybe she can convince you to change your mind?
Why is she wrong and you are right, and she must come to see things your way? Ask yourself that question. Then tell her the truth. NOW. You are hugely disrepecting marriage at this point. And her.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Don't marry her if you don't want children. You can not change her mind.

My husband married a woman who did not want children. Luckily for me, they divorced for this reason mainly. The same will happen to you. Why spend all that money on a divorce when it could of been prevented.

It's a feeling you can not get over. I could not imagine life without my 3 girls. I regret not having a 4th child, but it's too late.. My children are my life. A true blessing.

My pastor would of not married us if we didn't agree on the children aspect. He clearly stated this during our pre marriage counsel. Both my husband and I were on the same level. We talked about children at great lengths before marriage. He wanted very badly children of his own. My daughter was born 10.5 months after we were married. We wasted no time getting pregnant.

It's quite selfish of you expecting her not to bear any children. Let her find a family man who truly loves her and will give her as many children as she wants.


----------



## heartbrok3n

Being a father is highly rewarding. Like you, i hated kids before i had them. Yeah, they can get really annoying at times, but now that i am a father, i wouldn't trade them for anything. Not for freedom, not for travelling, not for money. Having them hug me and tell me that they love me means more to me than winning the lottery.

If you truly love your fiancee so much, maybe you should try to convince yourself to want them.


----------



## Kathrynthegreat

A woman who wants children is *not* going to change her mind. She will still want them, and short of getting a vasectomy now, there's really nothing you can do to stop her.

If the two of you can't agree on whether or not to have children, do not get married.


----------



## that_girl

Most people get married to have children. If she wants children now, she'll want them later.

Don't get married...seriously.


----------



## costa200

> . I can act very well so no one would suspect it but I cannot stand them, can't stand other peoples kids and especially can't stand her niece or nephew.


Those kids aren't yours. When you have your own you'll sing a different song. But you really need to talk to your fiancée about this. It will become a huge problem later on.


----------



## Bellavista

Other people's kids annoy the heck out of me, especaily my nieces & nephews. My husband also cannot abide other people's kids.
We have 5 of our own, nearly all grown up now. It is totally different having your own children.
I would not make a blanket statement at this stage that you NEVER want children, but if you are adamant you don't ever want kids, you need to tell your fiance this before you get married. 
She needs to have the option to decide for herself if being married to you alone & never having children is enough for her. Having children can be a very strong biological pull for some.


----------



## TwomoreguysandaWalnut

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TwomoreguysandaWalnut

Okay so here's the deal, I talked with her about it and she seems in denial that I really am dead set on not having kids, she told me we would deal with it later as she doesn't want kids now anyway, I told her I just wanted her to be happy and if that means with another man that wants kids idc. I love her but I will never want kids and I don't want to resent her later if she talks me into having a child I don't want. :// idk what to do. She really wants to go through with the wedding and so do I, it just seems like this could be kind of a huge deal later. And I'm not exactly one to plan ahead but if it could ruin our marriage later I'm thinking I should do something now, idk I've never been good with this sort of thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

How old are the two of you?


If she wants children now, her desire for them will only grow with time. Women's minds/bodies work that way. 

You will have to the be one who breaks stopping the wedding. if you don't both of you will be misserable. And it's not fair to children to bring them into a family where their father does not want them.


----------



## costa200

Blimey... You expect she forgets about it and she expects your to change your mind later. That ain't going to be pretty later on.


----------



## FirstYearDown

If you truly do not want children, convincing yourself to want them will be very difficult. I tried to do that when everyone told me I was crazy or immature for not wanting to be a mother. All the love in the world that you have for your fiancee, will not replace the resentment you will feel if you become a reluctant father. 

That is why I married a childfree man.  It has worked well, because he was willing to get a vasectomy. We found a clinic with no rigmarole and constant "Are you sure?" discussions with a doctor. No doctor would tie my tubes because I am 30 with no children. I can't wait for the semen tests to come back clear, so that I can throw away my pill pack for good. 

I am a sweet and doting auntie, but that is as far as my maternal impulses go. There's nothing wrong with choosing not to have children. Unfortunately, you are not compatible with your fiancee. If you are worried about the emotional fallout of calling off a wedding, think of the devastation that a divorce with kids would bring.


----------



## YinPrincess

FirstYearDown said:


> I can't wait for the semen tests to come back clear, so that I can throw away my pill pack for good.


You're still waiting, FYD??

I agree wholeheartedly. Believe me, I am living it now. It you never want children, get the V and have a mostly worry-free future.

Do not marry this girl if she wants kids. NOTHING will EVER change her mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

It's a huge mistake to go into a marriage disagreeing on major issues like this, or thinking you can change the other person. You're both young, so perhaps your stance on a child-free marriage might change, but I very much doubt that your future wife's desire for children will change one bit.

You have some serious decisions to make, OP.


----------



## FirstYearDown

Yeah, my husband has a high sperm count so the first test was not completely clear. We are testing again after five months in the second week of August. 

Since my hubby is so virile, we wanted to wait longer to take the second test. I think he is probably fine now because his first test showed a low sperm count without resulting in complete infertility.

I am terrified of an unhappy accident, so I am still on the pill.


----------



## moco82

It ain't happening. Run. Whatever's vested right now that you're afraid to lose would be peanuts in retrospect, especially if you do end up with kids. Forget the mercantile details. Run.


----------



## KirkSpock

This post hits a little close to home. During the 5 years that my wife and I dated, we would talk frequently about our thoughts on children: we BOTH agreed that neither of us wanted children. This wasn’t something we talked about ONCE and that was it: this was something that came up almost daily. I have NEVER liked children, and whenever we would come across a screaming “darling” while together, she would always comment on how she never wanted children and that she “wasn’t mommy material”. One of the very reasons I asked her to marry me was that we were so in tune with one another’s vision of the future, particularly a future without children. Flash forward to 2 years into our marriage….”I want children” says the wife. I was, and still remain, somewhat shocked. “I thought you would change your mind” was her response when I asked what the daily condemnations against childrenand our frank conversations amounted to (still haven’t received a response on that). 
I love my wife very much, and even thought I felt betrayed and lied to, I offered her an out: I told her that my feelings on children have NOT changed, and that I didn’t want to be in a marriage where my wife would resent me, ESPECIALLY since I had been honest and upfront for the entire time I have known her (it’s not like I strung her along with “maybe’s” or “I’ll think about it”. This was something we BOTH agreed on, for years, before getting married). I told her that if having children was something she could not live without, then she needed to re-evaluate her life choices and make some hard decisions. 
So the moral of the story is, even when you have serious, in depth conversations about these things, people can and do change their mind (or outright lie). This woman has ALREADY TOLD YOU she wants children, so there’s not even a mystery or question about it. You know that feeling you have where you KNOW you will never have children? Reverse that and that’s what she is feeling. In the same way that you can’t simply “switch off” your feelings of not wanting children, she CAN’T turn off the feeling of wanting kids. And I can tell you from personal experience that the emotional rollercoaster this will cause in the future (and it will happen), the guilt and the pain, is like being continually kicked in the nads. Why set yourself up for that??


----------



## tacoma

You simply have to tell her ...
"I do not want to father children now or ever in my lifetime."

Tell her directly that if she marries you she will not be a mother ..ever.

Tell her if she manipulates your relationship into a pregnancy you will divirce her.

She'll call off the wedding but you shouldn't be getting married with such conflicting desires anyway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Read these threads carefully.... as a warning....what you will be facing...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/50517-wife-wants-babies-i-dont.html

The opening post here really lays it out - to what the dynamics are when 2 have such opposing views on this & one gives in- but never wanted too. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/40073-what-if-worst-part-marriage-you.html

Speaking as a woman who WANTED kids....

I KNEW deeply I wanted a large family before I walked down the aisle, I wouldn't have settled for a man who didn't happily want at least 3 children...I never changed my mind, neither did he. Had he, I would have left him and searched for another who had the same life goals, It meant EVERYTHING to me..... and it has been the most fullfilling thing on this earth... speaking as a Mother. 

There is a scripture, doesn't matter if you are religious or not, it speaks to the intensity -that insatiable desire for wanting children...read the comparisons... 



> Proverbs 30:16 *"The grave; and the barren womb; The earth that is not filled with water; And the fire that saith not, "It is enough."*
> 
> The grave is never satisfied. No matter how many are buried today, cemeteries will take more tomorrow. Though death cuts men down by the thousands, there is room for more. The grave never says, "It is enough!" It has an insatiable desire for the bodies of men.
> 
> *The barren womb is never satisfied*. In Bible times, women craved bearing children. Rachel said to her husband Jacob, "Give me children, or else I die" (Gen 30:1). The barren womb has an insatiable desire for children.
> 
> The earth that is not filled with water is never satisfied. Dry ground absorbs water applied to it and is still dry. The water disappears, and the ground demands more. Though much water is supplied, it yet wants more. The dry ground has an insatiable desire for water.
> 
> The raging fire is never satisfied. As long as it can find combustible material, it will continue to burn. It never approaches a forest or house and stops due to lack of desire to burn. The raging fire has an insatiable desire to burn anything it can touch.


----------



## KirkSpock

SimplyAmorous, thanks for posting the links to those other threads. The first link was information I understood because (more or less) I am in the same boat. The second link....WOW! That blew me away. Talk about a dark glimpse into a possible future. That post gave me a LOT of insight, and I again thank you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

KirkSpock said:


> SimplyAmorous, thanks for posting the links to those other threads. The first link was information I understood because (more or less) I am in the same boat. The second link....WOW! That blew me away. Talk about a dark glimpse into a possible future. That post gave me a LOT of insight, and I again thank you.


You are very welcome KirkSpock... the 1st time I stumbled upon that 2nd link...I too, felt WOW... I do feel people are one way or the other...and it purely doesn't make anyone a bad person for feeling as they do. Not at all. 

Even though I have my own kids...and I might add...I was a freaking basketcase when I had trouble conceiving & would have liked to knock someone's head off when they tried to convince me I didn't need them...trying to make me feel better. They just did not understand ME and the desires of MY Heart. But I KNEW. 

My kids DID bring me happiness and fullfillment, just as the poster of that 2nd thread felt his life would go down with them. He KNEW.... it was never what he wanted for his life. 

Yeah, his story, he laid it all out there, the foreboding, how very much the free lifestyle they had DID change, his wife forever changed, his marriage never the same. 

I've never came across one that VIVID in detailing the options one is faced with -after the vows. It was very unfortunate in his case... as SHE CHANGED HER MIND ..... which ...as they say.... women tend to do that!


----------



## EleGirl

I wonder what the OP has ended up doing. It seems that both of them are in denial thinking that the other does not really mean what they are saying.


----------



## Jazzmin

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Don't marry her if you don't want children. You can not change her mind.
> 
> It's quite selfish of you expecting her not to bear any children. Let her find a family man who truly loves her and will give her as many children as she wants.


I agree that you should not enter into a marriage expecting to change someone's mind. Now that doesn't mean that every mindset is inflexible as our desires do vary with time, maturity and experience, however, this is a big disagreement to start out with. My husband and I were in agreement that we both wanted kids for our first 10+ years but now I don't want them anymore and he still does. I changed, now I have to wait and see if he is willing to accept my change of terms or if he needs to pursue the life we both used to want with someone else.

If you two feel as if you love each other enough to try to get over this rather large hurdle, I suggest that you both attend pre-marital counseling to see if you can over come it. Sounds like you two might have other disagreements in your future as well if you try to stay together. Don't rush it.

Don't let a wedding date serve as a deadline. Postpone it if you must. Take all the time that you both need to work through this issue. If you can't, you'll have to end it. It is much easier to disentangle a life before you get married and become intertwined than it is later. It won't hurt any less but it will be for the best.


----------



## geek down

YinPrincess said:


> Don't marry her if you do not want children. It's not fair that you are asking her to give up children for a lifetime because YOU don't want them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's right.. My STBXW said she was ok with not having children as I do not want children of my own...5.5 years of abuse later, she's gone, went off her pills and got pregnant and doesn't know who the dad is..

If also not fair to you if she decides to just do what she wants anyway...


----------



## Jazzmin

Just a few more thoughts on the topic since it is something that I am pondering in my own life too. The issue you are facing is as common as it is complicated. It's also a meaty dilemma to find yourself so at odds over in your marriage. Perhaps it's something that should have been discussed before you decided to tie the knot? After all, it's an issue fundamental to the way you intend to live your lives. For many, the desire to create a family is a key reason to get married. Your wife has a right to a family as much as you have a right to choose not to have one. It's the sort of decision that should be taken on before you decide to make a life together. If you two never broached this subject, it suggests that you didn't venture very maturely into your proposed union and that there are other unresolved issues between you. It's late in the day to be deciding what your ambitions for the relationship are but it isn't too late. Sit down and have a serious heart to heart. If you two can't agree, you have to end it.


----------



## larry.gray

tacoma said:


> Tell her if she manipulates your relationship into a pregnancy you will divirce her.


I'll disagree with that one bit of advice.

Tell her you are planning on getting a vasectomy ASAP. Then go get one. If you are that adamant about it, you should have done it already.

Women will think you will change your mind. Having a vas makes it clear you're unwavering in your opposition.


----------

