# dont know what to do



## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

Here is my story.

Me and my wife have been married for 16 years and have been together for about 20 years. We have 2 kids. we have been struggling with finances the past few years. I feel it has taken a toll on her and me. The past 3 years have been tough. My wife told me that she is unhappy and is no longer in love with me. She has been telling me this for a few years. We have not been intimate with each other for the past 2 years or so. There is no affection, hugging or kissing. We Hardly even talk except about the kids or the home. I cant even put my hand on her. 

She told me that we should separate and see if we miss each other and to see if she wants to be with me or not. I have spoken with a few people and have gotten mixed responses. Some said it is a good idea to separate and hopefully being apart will cause the person to miss you with a chance to rekindled the love. the Counselor said that love is always there that it takes a action for the person to feel it again. Some say that it is over especially since there has not been any intimacy between both of you for a long time. It is hard to get that back. Someone else said that it is a good idea to separate because it allows the person to breathe and see if they truly miss you or not. if you both live together and are on top of each other it will make it hard to see if you are both meant to be together or not. If you do miss each other you can find love again by taking it easy like dating all over again to see if it is there.

I am lost since I truly love my wife a great deal and the idea of not being with her hurts.

I have always shown affection to my wife with hugs , kisses etc. I have never cheated on her, hit her or disrespected her. we were always very intimate with each other. I do admit that I have never shown her the full appreciation of what she does at home. I feel I have taken her for granted. I also feel we stopped really communicating after we had financial problems. I think these are the leading causes.

I know she is not cheating on me since I have had someone keep a eye on her for awhile. She told me that she does not want to be with someone she wants to be alone to reflect but she does miss having someone hold her.

I am confused and lost.

If anyone has any advice it will be greatly appreciated . Also, she said she is not thinking about getting a divorce. 

I will be moving out in January with the advice of a few counselors. They all say to give her space and see what happens and not to be on top of her and take it one day at a time.

BTW, her mother and sister are on my side but will not get in the middle of the situation and I don't want them to do so. they feel we should talk it out and work on the situation and make it better and stronger.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Do not move out of your house. If she wants to separate, she goes. If you move out of the house, it could be seen as abandonment in regards to custody of your kids in case you file for divorce. Please, do not let her talk you into moving out. Go see an attorney about your rights. He/She will also advise you not to move out of your house.

I know you say you have someone keeping an eye on your wife, but what about her phone. Does she guard her phone 24/7? There are affairs that are emotional. It could be she is involved in an emotional affair with someone and it hasn't gone physical - yet. Check your phone records to see if there are a lot of calls to one number. That will be a starting point.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I just learned that sometimes needing space just means needing space. My wife told me that she needed some space to evaluate where we were in our relationship and of course I flipped the hell out. It finally took three weeks of awkwardness and crying around the house before she just struck out for a weekend to get the space she needed. I really wish I had just allowed her to go for a week or so when she first started the discussions with me. She came back and aside from a small breakdown she seems to be in the mindset that we need to try to repair our relationship.

I know you have financial issues, but have you considered putting one of the two of you up in a cheap hotel for a few weeks? Grab some clothing and toiletries, find a extended stay or a cheap motel and just give each other some room to think. Don't call or communicate, just spend some times in your own mind for a little while.

Also, as I say all the time, people do just get unhappy. Not everyone is out finding new mates and cheating. They may develop emotional attachments to friends that replace some of what you used to have but they aren't all sneaking around having wild "I hate my mate" sex.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you both have work now?

Read Bagdon's thread

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## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

Sorry I have had replied sooner. My mother was not feeling well.

Yes, we both work but she does not make much. I will be the one who will be paying most of the bills. It will make the situation tougher than it is. She understands that and she just wants to think what she wants to do. She wants to find out is she wants to be with me or not. 

Also, I do have access to the cell phones so I can see what numbers she dialed or texted.

We really don't talk that much because I am giving her own space. We have the basic conversations about the kids or what's for dinner. Nothing like how is your day or what are you doing. I still say to her have a good day. There is no communications. We still do share the same bedroom but there is no affection or touching at all. We have not had affection for 2 years. This is the part I fear will be hard to get back when I do leave. Maybe she is having a midlife crisis. All her friends that she hangs out with are married.

At times I feel like there is no hope but sometimes I believe there is some. I love her dearly and I have given her my heart and soul all the years we have been together.

I don't know what to expect when I leave. I hate to lose my marriage because I love her and the kids very much.

they all say give her space and hopefully she will miss you over time because right now we wee each other each day.

So confused.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You should not move out, she should. Start dividing your finances. Do you have a joint account? Get a separate one for your paycheck. Let her get an apartment with her money.

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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Can you tell us what she doesnt like about you.


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## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

I have asked why she doesn't love me and her answer is I don't know. she says it just happens sometimes. People grow apart after so many years.

We always had a very good marriage. We were always very intimate and we always show affection. A few years ago we have some very tough financial issues that we almost lost our home (lost income and I had a arm mortgage). This took a toll on me physical and mentally. I was stressed out. I would get upset and yell on my kids for stupid things. We were not able to take vacations the past few years. She sees all her friends and sisters go away but not us. I know it eats at her and probably holds me accountable. I alos know that I never really fully appreciated her for the things she did at home as a wife and mother but I show her affection and love.

What's confusing is that she tells me that she loves me but not in love with me. she says that out marriage is beyond repair its been going on too long. She wants to separate to see if she wants to be with me but doesn't want a divorce or is looking for one.

I am just lost. My friend who is a counselor said for me to move out and give her space and to get my life in order and wait and see if she wants to be with you or not. After a while, if she doesn't have an answer for you than its time to talk divorce. Its not fair for her to put me through this for her benefit. My friend said you cant have the cake and eat it too. The grass is not always greener on the outside. She told me she has seen too many people give up on their spouse and realize afterwards what they were looking for in life was always there in front of them. 

Thanks so far for any advice. Anymore advice would greatly appreciated.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

So youre friends are rich and youre not. Is that what it boils down to.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

We separated so I could heal. But our life is a life that we've always live apart , as he travels for his work . But we shared a home. This is the first we're living a part but his things are still here. 

We for the most part get along , but our lives have grown apart not together. If you do decide to do this, dont make it without set guidelines, and I would not recommend you moving out. 

My huband did but, but he lives on the road. You it sounds like dont. Your wife is the one who wants to see what it's like out there without you ??? Let her test the waters without the comforts of home... It's not you that wants to go ... 

~sammy


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## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

I don't know. Not all my friends. we do have some friends who have million dollar businesses who spent money like water. I think the struggles we had financially took a toll on us because it affected what we could do. I was watching every dollar we spent and she would get upset about it and even the kids to because they couldn't always do things with their friends. Before the financial struggles we did live comfortable. we took vacations every year, nice Christmas and holidays. We got things for the kids and ourselves with no problem. We had a good comfortable life. The past 4-5 years it has been tough financially when I lost about 25% of my income. What makes it worst is my house is underwater.

Sammy, it would be easier for me to go since she works part time and we have kids in school still. Perhaps being at home might remind her of me and might miss the times we enjoyed in the home. I do a lot around the home besides the yard work. I help out in the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry when necessary. My oldest plays HS sports and there is a ton of laundry to do. She works like 3 days a week so I help out as much as I can on the weekends. 

She does come from a divorced family. Her mother does not agree with her and told her to wake up but will not get involved. She told me that I treated her daughter very well and loves me. Her mother said she has no idea what is ahead of her and she is going to have a rude awakening. She enjoys going out with her friends. She hardly talks to me when home. she will walk by without saying a word. I try to be upbeat and not pay attention to her. 

I think it will be a difficult road ahead for us but I try to be upbeat and not give up hope. I started going back to the gym 4-5 days a week to keep my mind occupied.

I am also the one gets up early everyday to get the kids up and get them lunch. She gets up when it is time to take them to school and I go to work. 

All I can do is get my life together and see what happens and pray to God that she may see the light.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

May I ask another question. Do your friends or better her friends know that she wants out. What is their opinion.


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## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

Her close friends know she has been unhappy for awhile but I am not sure if they know we will be separating except for close family. there is one friend who I believe knows and I hope is not steering her the wrong way. She wont listen to her sister or mother who told her it is a mistake. Her sister said its not a pretty world out there and don't mess up and lose someone who is special and who loves you and that you might later regret making a mistake in letting them go. The thing you could be looking for is right there in front of you.


She said to me she doesn't want out of marriage or looking for a divorce she wants time to think and see if she still wants to be with me.

I understand and I will give her space and hope she decides to work on the marriage and make it better and stronger but I am not going to wait forever. Everyone needs to be happy and have someone in their lives. My friend the counselor said only time will tell but you definitely need to keep open discussions about the situation. She said that the first 3-6 months is where you can see if there is anything there or not between each other. 

We have been through a lot as a family especially her with miscarriages and still born.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

So you think it is related to your financial situation. That burns me. It is a partnership ... maybe she needs to figure out how to make more money instead of having a pity party because she can't go on great vacations.


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## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

I do believe that the financial issues did play a part in her being unhappy. It has be a very stressful time on all of us in trying to make ends meet which probably led to her being unhappy.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Gotcha on the "guy stuff", because that's stuff the stuff I deal w too. Believe me, I live alone now, w only a saint bernard, pay for all to be done, if needed, and still scream for help. So yeah, your right... I have to agree w you on this one !!  

~ sammy


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## rabbislatkin (Sep 23, 2013)

Money can cause tremendous anxiety in a relationship for women. It plays on their primal fear of not being protected. It might be worth exploring whether she had money issues growing up. While you may have felt shame during your financial crisis, this only increased her fear. This theme is discussed in How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Pat Love and Steve Stosny. It is important to validate her fears.

Still not sure why she is no longer "in love" with you. Marriage requires commitment and the romance you may have felt in the beginning doesn't last. It is the years that you spend together that create real lasting love. You write that she is not having an affair. Are there others that are influencing her to second guess the relationship? A lot of people have their peanut gallery of friends and family who put ideas in their head. This can often do the same type of damage that an affair can. 

Better that the two of you can talk about the issues together than have to go elsewhere for advice. You may want to check with an attorney about leaving. Even though your therapist friend thinks it's a good idea, you may hurt yourself in the future if she decides to pursue divorce.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Your best bet at the moment is to use her friends. Some people are wicked and enjoy others divorce and separation but no one likes to be known as the cause of it. You should start telling everyone what is going on.


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## lostandconfused22 (Oct 18, 2013)

Yes, she did have money issues before we got married. She had very bad credit. After we got married she got more CC and ran them up which caused some financial burdens but we able to get by. After time, they start to build up.

Also, my close friends know. Her sister and Mother have told her it is wrong so it is hard to see who might be steering her wrong.

Sammy, I just don't get her. I have been a great husband giving her everything she wanted if possible. I have always put my family first but it has been tough the past few years financially. I don't understand why is acts cold towards me at times. I cant even get a hello or have a nice day. It hurts alot because I care and love her and the kids very much. I am so confused. 

One of my friends that I dated back in college told me she is nuts and that any girl would be crazy not to have a man like you who is loving, caring and good hearted. 

I am so confused because she cant give me a straight answer as to why she doesn't love me anymore.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

L&C

Because she's fallen out of love w you. The emotional intimacy is gone. :-( 

~sammy


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