# No one to talk to



## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

Well, as a long time lurker, I finally decided it was time to post my story. 
My husband and I have been together for about 12 years, married for 9. We have a 8 year old son. Due to a turn in the economy, my husband took a job out of state- he works 4 weeks on, then has two weeks off. The distance has been hard, but we maintained. Summer of last year my husband was home and received a phone call from a woman who he quickly dismissed as a work call and hung up quickly. I was curious and took a glance at his voicemail. He had over 20 messages from this person, so I listened to some very friendly messages asking about my husbands day, etc. I confronted him and he said she was a friend who wanted to be more than friends. I asked him to please stop communications. He complied. I was hurt, angry and confused and he refused to talk about it without becoming angry with me for bringing it up. Things went downhill quickly from there. He began to withdraw from me, drinking more and stopped calling me when he was out of state at work. We decided to try counseling- (his idea) and it feels as though nothing had been acomplished. He did quit using alcohol and he finally had a sober conversation with me about our problems. He said "I love you but i'm not in love with you" He said he had put up and online profile on a dating website for finding "friends". He states he has not been unfaithful, but I have my concerns. 

He has now asked to take care of his own bills, and has had his paycheck re-routed to his own checking account he opened out of town. He continues to say he wants to try 'to make it work'. He wants to continue couseling. He gave me a kiss goodbye when he left for work...but here I am 4 days after he went back and haven't heard from him in 3 days and my calls to him go unanswered. I'm confused, hurt and really don't know where to go or what to do. It's almost as if he turns into another person when he is at work...but when he's home even thought we are having problems, I can see glimpses of the person I married. 

I am trying so hard to keep things together here. I also work full time, raise our child, take care of assorted animals, and am attending online school to advance my career. I have not really mentioned these things to my friends or family, I just don't know what to say to them or how to answer questions they will have. 

I guess I don't know what i'm asking...I just want to spill my beans to someone.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Does he still work with that woman with whom he had inappropriate communications? How do you know he's not in contact with her?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, honey. He's gone. You need to start securing your financial assets, and brace yourself for a divorce.


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## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

He does not work the woman he had the contact with. She was a housekeeper at the hotel he used to stay at for work. He has changed hotels to get away from her.


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## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, honey. He's gone. You need to start securing your financial assets, and brace yourself for a divorce.


I guess I figured as much...but when I flat out ask him, he says he does not want that. But then, 5 minutes later he said "I'm not good enough for you...you deserve better"...then 5 minutes after that he tells me he loves me. Honestly I am so confused....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You are confused because you are being given mixed messages.

You have to be strong. Honestly, if he wanted you, he'd be all over you like white on rice. He is not. So...?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just so you know, the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY) speech is generally a sign of an affair. When heard from someone who has clearly crossed marital boundaries in the past, I would say the accuracy rises above 99%.

He is gone a lot; he is far away from you; how do you know that he a. isn't still in contact with her or b. involved with someone else?

It sounds like even if this inappropriate relationship is over, the issues that caused him to make that stupid choice have simply been swept under the rug because he refuses to discuss them. 

You say counseling hasn't done a thing--well, when there are 3 people in a marriage, counseling is ineffective (read: pointless). Picture the two of you on a couch together while he holds hands with someone outside the room. I should know--6+ months of MC while my husband secretly maintained an affair. MC with our new counselor (trained in infidelity) with the affair over is a revelation.


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## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

nope he's not. I still love him...or maybe i'm just in love with what he used to be. I know people rarely change, but its almost like he has another personalitiy that can be so mean and hurtful...

I don't know how much longer I can i can be strung along..I hate it, but i don't want to give up. Why? i guess i'm just hoping something will be there...


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## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Just so you know, the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You (ILYBINILWY) speech is generally a sign of an affair. When heard from someone who has clearly crossed marital boundaries in the past, I would say the accuracy rises above 99%.
> 
> He is gone a lot; he is far away from you; how do you know that he a. isn't still in contact with her or b. involved with someone else?
> 
> ...


I suspect there is someone else as well. He did 'meet' a friend online whom he speaks to 'occasionally' as someone to 'vent to'. When he was 'warmed up' I asked him more about her and she is divorced and has two children with special needs. He admitted to staying at her house because he has attempted to sober up, and left the hotel when he knew a party was going on that evening and he did not want to be pressured to drink. I don't know WHY i believe him when he said nothing happened. I truly am not a dumb person (I am an ER Nurse!) and can sniff out bull from a mile away....but perhaps I just don't want to believe it is happening to me...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hereinnow said:


> I suspect there is someone else as well. He did 'meet' a friend online whom he speaks to 'occasionally' as someone to 'vent to'. When he was 'warmed up' I asked him more about her and she is divorced and has two children with special needs. He admitted to staying at her house because he has attempted to sober up, and left the hotel when he knew a party was going on that evening and he did not want to be pressured to drink. I don't know WHY i believe him when he said nothing happened. I truly am not a dumb person (I am an ER Nurse!) and can sniff out bull from a mile away....but perhaps I just don't want to believe it is happening to me...


Please have your thread moved to Coping with Infidelity. Even if he isn't in an affair with her, he is clearly seeking out inappropriate female companionship.

"Nothing happened" might be code for "we haven't had sex...yet" or "it's just an emotional affair" or it could be an outright lie. 

Let me ask you--as a married woman--do you think it's okay for your husband to stay at a single woman's home--presumably over night--to "sober up?" Don't they make hotel rooms for that purpose? Or does he have an apartment when he's away (what are his living arrangements when he's gone so long)?


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## hereinnow (Jun 12, 2012)

How do I have the thread moved? I guess I thought I had it in the right place, but its turning out to be something else..

I do not think it's at all appropriate for this to happen, even for one night. When he first went out there for work they had hotel rooms, then they were encouraged to obtain an apartment. It was cheaper to get a apartment with a few other guys so he currently shares a home with two other men.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Her thread in CWI, to keep things together in one place

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/48462-alone.html


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