# My life is train wreck



## bhoward63 (May 10, 2012)

Where do I start? Warning, this post is long. My marriage started spinning out-of-control about 18 months ago when my son was first diagnosed with autism, and then a few months later leukemia. Just a few weeks prior to that, my teenage stepson who has severe emotional problems and is bipolar came to live with us permanently. My husband could not handle our sons diagnosis of leukemia. To add to the sadness and misery, he almost died about four weeks into active treatment and had to have an emergency tracheostomy.
The stress in our home is off the charts. We have nurses in our home to help take care of our son 16 hours a day and very little privacy. Just dealing with the leukemia itself is exhausting. My teenage stepsons emotional problems have escalated. I noticed about three months ago that my husband was pulling away emotionally, was very distant and didn't seem to want to communicate with me at all. I noticed on our cellular phone bill a phone number over and over again. When I did investigating I realized it belonged to a female coworker. I pretty much freaked out, and insisted he stop this. We ended up in a huge fight and agreed we needed to get in counseling. The counseling really didn't help, if anything things between us got worse. He actually went to a hotel for one weekend with my stepson to think things through. When he came back he seemed much better, had an entire list of things that he wanted to work on and told me he wasn't going to have any contact with the coworker. He never really did follow through with any of the changes, and he still seemed emotionally distant. I started noticing that he was very secretive with the cell phone, going to the bathroom for extended periods of time, and taking it to bed with him. He flatly refused to let me see the phone if I were to ask. My gut told me something was up. Sometime later, after a particularly stressful weekend, he laid on me that he was no longer in love with me, and he thinks he may never have been. I was beyond devastated. Then within a matter of 24 hours, he claims he wants to work on our marriage and he was just upset after the weekend. Fast forward to this past weekend. He left the phone unguarded and I knew the pass code. So I looked. And there was the secret email account, and the emails going back-and-forth between the two of them. There was nothing overtly sexual, but vaguely intimate and it made me very uncomfortable. She called him her bestie, said that he was on her mind, and that she hopes he has sweet dreams along with cute little hearts and flowers. What was really hurtful was he had told me the next day he had to go into work when in fact he wanted to see her for lunch. He hadn't seen his children all week because he works second shift and he was leaving our family to go be with her. I believe that this woman is married also. Things got very ugly very quickly. I demanded he stop this insanity and never have anything to do with her again. He got so angry he started screaming at me and was in my face calling me horrible names and before I knew it I hit him with a shopping bag that I was holding. I just wanted him to stop screaming and being verbally abusive. Bad move on my part, the bag had small vials of make up and I made contact with the side of his head. He called 911 and had me charged with harassment. There was no excuse for what I did but he has been screaming at me like that for years and this time I just couldn't take anymore. So now I'm looking at a hearing and he has moved out temporarily to a hotel with my 15-year-old stepson. He is not communicating with me at all although I'm sure he is talking with his "friend". That's what he is claiming, that they are only "friends". Apparently this woman has a daughter who has a pretty serious illness also so they have a common bond. But if everything is so innocent, why is it done with deceit, behind my back. I don't know what to do at this point. I want my family intact especially for my son. The last thing he needs in his life now with everything he's going through is this. He still has two more years of active cancer treatment. My husband did say he is going to ask them to drop the charges, because he realizes I am under a huge amount of stress. I am the primary caregiver to these two children, I don't work outside the home, have no car of my own so I can never leave the house. He works second shift and is gone from 1 PM to midnight. I know life in our home is pretty miserable at times, and I'm sure this other woman is an outlet for him. I want my family together, but I don't know where his head is at. What should I do? Will the 180 even help at this point? I have never been so low in my life. I feel like my entire world has come crashing down.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I am so sorry about your sons diagnosis. Sending positive thoughts his way.

Here is what you posted three years ago: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45962-just-gut-feeling.html

Doesn't sound like it was good then, and it isn't any better now.

Yes your husband is cheating. He's out now. Keep him out. Could your son's illness contribute to his stress? Sure but not an excuse to cheat. He is predisposed to cheating, but you knew that when you married him. Best to end it now. Not getting better at this point.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The failure rate for marriages goes up a lot when a couple has special needs children.

The situation is not good.

Perhaps you should tell your husband that if he wants to be with her he should go and not lie. Tell him he deserves to be happy, but you cannot be together while he seeks refuge in another woman. How would he like it if you had a close relationship with some OM?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm so sorry about what you're going through with your son . I sincerely hope he makes a full and complete recovery. And I hope you can find a way to get the emotional support YOU need.

I suggest the 180, completely. Not because you're trying to win him back, but because it will help make you stronger without him, you'll be able to learn you'll be OK without him.

You can do better than this man.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

bhoward63 said:


> Where do I start? Warning, this post is long. My marriage started spinning out-of-control about 18 months ago when my son was first diagnosed with autism, and then a few months later leukemia. Just a few weeks prior to that, my teenage stepson who has severe emotional problems and is bipolar came to live with us permanently. My husband could not handle our sons diagnosis of leukemia. To add to the sadness and misery, he almost died about four weeks into active treatment and had to have an emergency tracheostomy.
> The stress in our home is off the charts. We have nurses in our home to help take care of our son 16 hours a day and very little privacy. Just dealing with the leukemia itself is exhausting. My teenage stepsons emotional problems have escalated. I noticed about three months ago that my husband was pulling away emotionally, was very distant and didn't seem to want to communicate with me at all. I noticed on our cellular phone bill a phone number over and over again. When I did investigating I realized it belonged to a female coworker. I pretty much freaked out, and insisted he stop this. We ended up in a huge fight and agreed we needed to get in counseling. The counseling really didn't help, if anything things between us got worse. He actually went to a hotel for one weekend with my stepson to think things through. When he came back he seemed much better, had an entire list of things that he wanted to work on and told me he wasn't going to have any contact with the coworker. He never really did follow through with any of the changes, and he still seemed emotionally distant. I started noticing that he was very secretive with the cell phone, going to the bathroom for extended periods of time, and taking it to bed with him. He flatly refused to let me see the phone if I were to ask. My gut told me something was up. Sometime later, after a particularly stressful weekend, he laid on me that he was no longer in love with me, and he thinks he may never have been. I was beyond devastated. Then within a matter of 24 hours, he claims he wants to work on our marriage and he was just upset after the weekend. Fast forward to this past weekend. He left the phone unguarded and I knew the pass code. So I looked. And there was the secret email account, and the emails going back-and-forth between the two of them. There was nothing overtly sexual, but vaguely intimate and it made me very uncomfortable. She called him her bestie, said that he was on her mind, and that she hopes he has sweet dreams along with cute little hearts and flowers. What was really hurtful was he had told me the next day he had to go into work when in fact he wanted to see her for lunch. He hadn't seen his children all week because he works second shift and he was leaving our family to go be with her. I believe that this woman is married also. Things got very ugly very quickly. I demanded he stop this insanity and never have anything to do with her again. He got so angry he started screaming at me and was in my face calling me horrible names and before I knew it I hit him with a shopping bag that I was holding. I just wanted him to stop screaming and being verbally abusive. Bad move on my part, the bag had small vials of make up and I made contact with the side of his head. He called 911 and had me charged with harassment. There was no excuse for what I did but he has been screaming at me like that for years and this time I just couldn't take anymore. So now I'm looking at a hearing and he has moved out temporarily to a hotel with my 15-year-old stepson. He is not communicating with me at all although I'm sure he is talking with his "friend". That's what he is claiming, that they are only "friends". Apparently this woman has a daughter who has a pretty serious illness also so they have a common bond. But if everything is so innocent, why is it done with deceit, behind my back. I don't know what to do at this point. I want my family intact especially for my son. The last thing he needs in his life now with everything he's going through is this. He still has two more years of active cancer treatment. My husband did say he is going to ask them to drop the charges, because he realizes I am under a huge amount of stress. I am the primary caregiver to these two children, I don't work outside the home, have no car of my own so I can never leave the house. He works second shift and is gone from 1 PM to midnight. I know life in our home is pretty miserable at times, and I'm sure this other woman is an outlet for him. I want my family together, but I don't know where his head is at. What should I do? Will the 180 even help at this point? I have never been so low in my life. I feel like my entire world has come crashing down.


So sorry to hear about your son, this is a difficult time for you. You need to take care of you for yourself and your son. Your H doesn't deserve your time, energy or emotion right now. Do the 180 on him and go completely dark.Do you have other people near you that you can depend on, such as friends or family? Tell them what is happening and shut him out. Now is not the time t deal with your selfish husband.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

bhoward63 said:


> Where do I start? Warning, this post is long. My marriage started spinning out-of-control about 18 months ago when my son was first diagnosed with autism, and then a few months later leukemia. Just a few weeks prior to that, my teenage stepson who has severe emotional problems and is bipolar came to live with us permanently. My husband could not handle our sons diagnosis of leukemia. To add to the sadness and misery, he almost died about four weeks into active treatment and had to have an emergency tracheostomy.
> The stress in our home is off the charts. We have nurses in our home to help take care of our son 16 hours a day and very little privacy. Just dealing with the leukemia itself is exhausting. My teenage stepsons emotional problems have escalated. I noticed about three months ago that my husband was pulling away emotionally, was very distant and didn't seem to want to communicate with me at all. I noticed on our cellular phone bill a phone number over and over again. When I did investigating I realized it belonged to a female coworker. I pretty much freaked out, and insisted he stop this. We ended up in a huge fight and agreed we needed to get in counseling. The counseling really didn't help, if anything things between us got worse. He actually went to a hotel for one weekend with my stepson to think things through. When he came back he seemed much better, had an entire list of things that he wanted to work on and told me he wasn't going to have any contact with the coworker. He never really did follow through with any of the changes, and he still seemed emotionally distant. I started noticing that he was very secretive with the cell phone, going to the bathroom for extended periods of time, and taking it to bed with him. He flatly refused to let me see the phone if I were to ask. My gut told me something was up. Sometime later, after a particularly stressful weekend, he laid on me that he was no longer in love with me, and he thinks he may never have been. I was beyond devastated. Then within a matter of 24 hours, he claims he wants to work on our marriage and he was just upset after the weekend. Fast forward to this past weekend. He left the phone unguarded and I knew the pass code. So I looked. And there was the secret email account, and the emails going back-and-forth between the two of them. There was nothing overtly sexual, but vaguely intimate and it made me very uncomfortable. She called him her bestie, said that he was on her mind, and that she hopes he has sweet dreams along with cute little hearts and flowers. What was really hurtful was he had told me the next day he had to go into work when in fact he wanted to see her for lunch. He hadn't seen his children all week because he works second shift and he was leaving our family to go be with her. I believe that this woman is married also. Things got very ugly very quickly. I demanded he stop this insanity and never have anything to do with her again. He got so angry he started screaming at me and was in my face calling me horrible names and before I knew it I hit him with a shopping bag that I was holding. I just wanted him to stop screaming and being verbally abusive. Bad move on my part, the bag had small vials of make up and I made contact with the side of his head. He called 911 and had me charged with harassment. There was no excuse for what I did but he has been screaming at me like that for years and this time I just couldn't take anymore. So now I'm looking at a hearing and he has moved out temporarily to a hotel with my 15-year-old stepson. He is not communicating with me at all although I'm sure he is talking with his "friend". That's what he is claiming, that they are only "friends". Apparently this woman has a daughter who has a pretty serious illness also so they have a common bond. But if everything is so innocent, why is it done with deceit, behind my back. I don't know what to do at this point. I want my family intact especially for my son. The last thing he needs in his life now with everything he's going through is this. He still has two more years of active cancer treatment. My husband did say he is going to ask them to drop the charges, because he realizes I am under a huge amount of stress. I am the primary caregiver to these two children, I don't work outside the home, have no car of my own so I can never leave the house. He works second shift and is gone from 1 PM to midnight. I know life in our home is pretty miserable at times, and I'm sure this other woman is an outlet for him. I want my family together, but I don't know where his head is at. What should I do? Will the 180 even help at this point? I have never been so low in my life. I feel like my entire world has come crashing down.


It's good that he's going to drop the criminal charges. He should as he was the aggressor too and while what you did was wrong in hitting him, it doesn't serve him or your kids well to have you charged. 

Now here's where the danger lays.

1) s he going to try to hold it over your head that he gave you a 'legal' break ? You can't allow for this.
2) Did he have the charges dropped so that you could still be the primary one responsible for your child's health ?
3) It seems like he has chosen this OW over you. You are not in a good financial position. How old will your son be in two years ? If his behavior continues, will you have a clean break at that time ?
4) Are you willing to expose the OW to her husband ?


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## bhoward63 (May 10, 2012)

Thank you for all your replies. In the state of Pennsylvania, the charges against me are not considered a misdemeanor. It is a summary charge. When the police came to my home the first thing I said was is he going to use this to try to take my son from me? My husband in front of the officers said he knows I am his primary caregiver and he would want him to stay with me in the event of a divorce. He knows he cannot take care of him and I would lay down my life to take care of my child.
Yes he is using the dropping of the charges to manipulate me. He told me he will drop the charges if I keep my mouth shut and get rid of some of the evidence that I have in my phone. He is more concerned with his job then he is with his own family. He told me that if I contacted this woman or her husband that he would make sure I got nothing.yes I am in a very bad financial position, however I have been in touch with the state and the county and I will be receiving assistance because of my songs disability. My son would also qualify for Social Security disability. I do have a small amount in savings to get me through and of course he would have to Pay me child support. I know he would want to come to an agreement on that rather than drag it through the court. I had thought about just staying in the relationship not as a married couple per se but as coparents for the sake of my son. But that is going to be extremely difficult for me, when I still believe it or not have feelings for this man, and I am going to have to endue the pain of his extramarital affair. I want to do the best thing for my son in the end because he is everything to me. I just don't know what the best thing is at this point. Believe me when I tell you I want to get away from him and the situation. So as you can see, this is not good.


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## bhoward63 (May 10, 2012)

And by the way my son is seven. And I have to ask, what does going dark mean?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Going dark, or doing the 180.

In a nutshell, do your best to pretend he doesn't exist. Get into the mentality that you do not need him in your life. Do not communicate with him, except for pertinent matters like the kids, and then be very business like.

Does two things- shows him that you are prepared to and can live your life without him. Maybe it gives him a wake up call to realize how badly he messed up and what he is losing. But more importantly, you train yourself that you do not need him and can function without him.

Hopefully you have spoken to an attorney about everything.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's amazing to me the way cheaters will intimidate their spouses with the 'I will make sure you will get nothing' threat.

Your WH is not a judge. He doesn't make the laws in your state. He doesn't get to decide what you will and won't get in a divorce. Not these days. Keep all the info you have on him. It is your leverage. Don't let him threaten you out of it.

Try to calm down and talk to your lawyer. Definitely follow through with the 180 for your own healing and detachment. Your son needs you to be strong and healthy.

It is unfortunately common for marriages to falter when a child is under threat. Your WH's reaction, however, is that of a weak, selfish man. Another poster recently wrote something that I think applies to your case. It was roughly this:

When the going gets tough, the tough don't get on their cell phones to cheat.

Talk to your lawyer. 180. Stay dark with your WH. Keep your evidence. Take care of your son and yourself. Try to detach from the WH. Focus, focus, focus on just you and your little boy. Take one hour at a time if that's what it takes. Keep your eyes on the prize, which is definitely not your WH.


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

My heart bleeds for you!

Please do not secumb to your husband's threats!

Your disabled child needs you and your husband knows this and he is not the type to be saddled with responsibility!


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> It's amazing to me the way cheaters will intimidate their spouses with the 'I will make sure you will get nothing' threat.
> 
> Your WH is not a judge. He doesn't make the laws in your state. He doesn't get to decide what you will and won't get in a divorce. Not these days. Keep all the info you have on him. It is your leverage. Don't let him threaten you out of it.
> 
> ...



I agree with this. Lawyer up and put him back on his heels. Then maybe he will come to his senses and try to settle right.

Do not delete anything on your cell phone and make copies. Have a backup and give to your attorney. 

I am miffed that he is doing this to you when you two have a 7 year old son who is ill. Shows you his character or lack thereof.

You deserve better


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## bhoward63 (May 10, 2012)

Oh my gosh thank you everyone so much! Any support I can get at this time is appreciated. I have an appointment on Friday with an attorney. Apparently for $40 I can get a two hour consultation. Of course my issue is, that I have no money. So I'm hoping that if I cannot get a lawyer pro bono, that at least one will take payments. I might add that as he's been gone the last three days, not only have I not heard a word, he has left me without a car and zero cash. In fact I had a whole six dollars sitting on my dresser and he took it.I live in Pennsylvania, and I am hoping that I will be eligible for spousal support, we have been married eight years. I am also hoping that with my sons disability that I will be able to receive public assistance. I am actually starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. In the moments when I waiver and I think that I want him back I just keep thinking about what he's done. But of course? It's all my fault.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Check with the court. There is sometimes laws that say he has to pay for your representation if you cannot afford it. Explore it thoroughly.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

BHoward,

No transportation, no cash....Everything is set up for you to be completely dependent on your husband. It doesn't sound like much of a partnership. I guess that you are wondering how you are going to manage without your husband. Hopefully your survival instincts will kick in and you'll not only survive, but become a confident woman. If that happens, you'll soon be very thankful that he left so you could begin a much better life in which you have some control over.


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