# Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?



## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

I met my husband 11 years ago and I'm disappointed because I feel he hasn't grown much. Behaviours that were ok (or that I used to) at 25 are now looking very pathetic at 36. Especially for a man with children. Like smoking weed everyday, for instance. Not great to begin with but I didn't think it was going to be a lifelong habit. 
Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like just comes off as really immature now. 
He also hangs on to the past for dear life and brings back old arguments, grudges or mistakes when we fight. As old as 8 or 10 years old! Which makes me feel like no matter how much I grow or try to better myself, he just keeps bringing back the old me.
I wish I knew back then that what you see is what you get with people. Don't expect them to change or grow because maybe it won't happen. So if you don't think you can handle certain things FOREVER, don't marry that person.
Anyone else?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You should never marry someone with the expectation that they will someday change. Unfortunately you learned that lesson a little too late, but you're not alone in that club. A lot of people do the same thing.

People can grow but more often than not they need a reason to. You wanting him to change or asking him to change isn't enough. You saying this needs to be worked on or you want a divorce might do the trick, but you have to mean it and intend to follow through. 

Have you considered marriage counseling?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

There is an old joke that goes something like, "It is ironic that women marry men hoping they will change while men marry women hoping that they don't."

I can confirm that deciding that personality traits and habits of your spouse are deal breakers does happen. My wife gave me a list of reasons why being married to me was intolerable. At least half of them were things that have been a part of who I am for at least a decade before I met her, if not since birth.

You should never marry someone on hope. Marry (or date) them because they are who you want them to be. It isn't fair to either of you if you get in a relationship where you've set yourself up for failure. The resentment is just going to grow until it is too much for at least one of you to handle.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

The joke is funny. And sadly accurate.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

@Hiner112 "You should never marry someone on hope". Doesn't everyone though?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Missus28 said:


> Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.


I can answer it in reverse. When my wife and I were dating and married, I was an ***hole. I still am, but I like to think I'm less of an ***hole. I've asked my wife why she stuck around because most people would not have. Her response was "I saw the man you could be". Did she hope I would change? Probably. Did she take a gamble? Yep. Eventually, I did get my act together but not until I was very abruptly forced. If certain things wouldn't have happened I would have had no reason to change and I'd still be the guy she married. Chances are she would still be putting up with it.

You are not forced to stay with him, you know.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think its a very normal expectation that your spouse will mature from the time you both are starting out so young. I mean it IS the natural order of things, yes? He sounds like a perpetual frat boy. Maybe suggest the two of you attend some marital counseling... if he refuses and sees nothing wrong with his own behavior, you may very well have a tough choice to make in the near future.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Missus28 said:


> Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.


Genuinely asking, not being snarky nor attacking

???, Quick question are you asking to reduce the pain you feel in your marriage. or so you can think you don't have it that bad?


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

@Tilted 1 I simply wanted to hear from other people's stories, start a conversation. Not to feel better about my own disappointment but maybe less lonely?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I get that, almost everyone here is, has, or still hurting from a spouse. But you may not get the responses you are looking for because it triggers alot of us. Yet l do hope some with share, but you can take this to the bank. Your not the only one.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Missus28 said:


> Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.


I hope not you can pick almost any thread and you'll read dissatisfied spouse till the cows come home. Stay leave your thoughts on others who are hurting.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Missus28 said:


> Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.


:frown2: sad.,,......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.


Please give this a bit more time. Different people sign on all day long. Also as you post more, we can learn more about your situation and give better input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bobert said:


> I can answer it in reverse. When my wife and I were dating and married, I was an ***hole. I still am, but I like to think I'm less of an ***hole. I've asked my wife why she stuck around because most people would not have. Her response was "I saw the man you could be". Did she hope I would change? Probably. Did she take a gamble? Yep. Eventually, I did get my act together but not *until I was very abruptly forced*. If certain things wouldn't have happened I would have had no reason to change and I'd still be the guy she married. Chances are she would still be putting up with it.
> 
> You are not forced to stay with him, you know.


What eventually forced you to change?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> I met my husband 11 years ago and I'm disappointed because I feel he hasn't grown much. Behaviours that were ok (or that I used to) at 25 are now looking very pathetic at 36. Especially for a man with children. Like smoking weed everyday, for instance. Not great to begin with but I didn't think it was going to be a lifelong habit.
> 
> *Calling me names when he gets angry*, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like just comes off as really immature now.
> 
> ...


When he gets angry and calls you names, do these outburst turn into angry arguments between the two of you? Or does no just get angry, call you names and walk off?

When a person holds on to things that happened a long time ago there are two possible reasons: 1) the issues were not resolved; or 2) they are used as chips to win arguments to get the upper hand. Which way do you think he's using them? Does he ever seek solutions that would get these issues resolved? Or does he use them to justify his own bad behavior?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> ... smoking weed everyday ,,, for instance.
> 
> Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like ,,,
> 
> ...


This really resonates with me. I was married to a man very similar to your husband. Notice I said "was." After eight long years of his nonsense, I left. Eventually I divorced him.

Do you feel you can stay with a man who hasn't grown up? BTW, my ex drank every single day. He smoked weed, but not everyday. But, like your husband, he was stuck in the past. No emotional maturity or growth whatsoever. I got tired of listening to a broken record. I got the "because I feel like it," followed by, "If you don't like it, leave."

Eventually I left. Do you think you will stay? Sounds soul-sucking to me. JMO.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Missus28 said:


> Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.


Well, you asked a question with your post, "anyone else"? And you got replies in response to your question. Some yeses and some nos. Don't ask a question if people's opinions and experiences (which could be vastly different than yours) are not going to make you happy. 

If you want people to chime in with--- there there, you poor dear, your husband didn't change as he got older, I don't think the way you worded your post is going to get that.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> When he gets angry and calls you names, do these outburst turn into angry arguments between the two of you? Or does no just get angry, call you names and walk off?
> 
> When a person holds on to things that happened a long time ago there are two possible reasons: 1) the issues were not resolved; or 2) they are used as chips to win arguments to get the upper hand. Which way do you think he's using them? Does he ever seek solutions that would get these issues resolved? Or does he use them to justify his own bad behavior?


 @EleGirl I'm sad to say it's number 2. He's a blame addict and has a problem with justification. I don't recall him sitting me down and say "there's a problem and we need to sort this out". If it happened at all, I can probably count it on one hand.

I already know I'm in a bad marriage; we've done therapy, he doesn't use the tools. I made an appointment for personal therapy because I was thinking about leaving the marriage. Then I found out I was pregnant (again). I did the therapy but couldn't focus on me as much as I wanted to. Last month, I talked about a separation. Once he calmed down, we agreed to stay together for the kids (as long as we were able to offer a heathy environment). 

The dynamic has shifted already: I have zero expectations from him so I'm not as angry or bitter anymore. I let him leave the house as often and as long as he wants (more peace for me, more freedom for him). His words bear almost no weight to me so I don't suffer from them anymore. And...yeah I'm kinda, getting some power back because I care less. It's sad and good at the same time. 

Wow, sorry, that was a loooong answer.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

@Livvie No "poor me, there, there", just wanted to know if anyone else felt the same way about their partners (like they hadn't change for the last 10 years). Good on you if you don't.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> just wanted to know if anyone else felt the same way about their partners (like they hadn't change for the last 10 years).


Are you hoping counseling will give you more coping strategies to deal with your husband? Or do you think you are going to eventually leave if he remains stagnant?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Missus28 said:


> @Hiner112 "You should never marry someone on hope". Doesn't everyone though?


You should marry someone if you genuinely want to be with them as they are. You shouldn't marry them because they might be someone you want to spend your life with if they change behaviors X, Y, and Z. For many the feelings leading up to or immediately after the wedding are as good as the relationship will ever be. If that isn't good enough to live with for decades, you are not doing the right thing by marrying.

My (soon to be ex) wife thought I would somehow transform into someone completely different. That I would become the person she wanted me to be. I was a practical choice since I had a career path picked out but I have a personality she apparently didn't like very much. So. Much. Resentment. And. Wasted. Time.

I knew the things that made living with her difficult sometimes. I accepted that I could live with them basically forever. I might have hoped that they might become less pronounced but I was certainly not counting on that for my future happiness / satisfaction. I thought that the good aspects of being in a relationship with her outweighed the negative aspects.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Missus28 said:


> @Livvie No "poor me, there, there", just wanted to know if anyone else felt the same way about their partners (like they hadn't change for the last 10 years). Good on you if you don't.


I actually didn't comment on my history. But I was responding to your complaint, in this thread, about this forum and your statement that you might not post again because you didn't like the responses you were getting.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Missus28 said:
> 
> 
> > just wanted to know if anyone else felt the same way about their partners (like they hadn't change for the last 10 years).
> ...


Solid question. Therapy has come and gone now, I do feel like some of the tools are very helpful. The rest I custom made for myself. Um, well the decision to stick around is fairly new, I don't expect him to change/grow anymore so I'd say my motivation to leave would be more if we couldn't be civilized to each other. I'm already happier for expecting less so we'll see how it develops.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> @EleGirl I'm sad to say it's number 2. He's a blame addict and has a problem with justification. I don't recall him sitting me down and say "there's a problem and we need to sort this out". If it happened at all, I can probably count it on one hand.
> 
> I already know I'm in a bad marriage; we've done therapy, he doesn't use the tools. I made an appointment for personal therapy because I was thinking about leaving the marriage. Then I found out I was pregnant (again). I did the therapy but couldn't focus on me as much as I wanted to. Last month, I talked about a separation. Once he calmed down, we agreed to stay together for the kids (as long as we were able to offer a heathy environment).
> 
> ...


Oh, don't apologize for the length of your post. You should see some of the books that people post here. :smile2:

While I have not been in exactly the same situation you are in... meaning I did not marry someone who I thought would grow up... I did marry someone who was great when we dated and after marriage slowly turned into some much like your husband more worse. And he was 33 when we married. 

Yes, getting to that point that you don't care does give you some power in your situation. At least it takes away the power he's had for so long to frustrate and hurt you.

When he goes into his angry outbursts, do you generally try to explain yourself to him? If you do, it probably leads to the escalation of his anger. Is that true for your situation?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Missus28 said:


> Prodigal said:
> 
> 
> > Missus28 said:
> ...


You say that you have made the decision to stay, my question is why? You have to have more self confidence in yourself to be able to say "I deserve better". I am not bashing you but from what you describe of your H behavior could be seen as emotional and verbal abuse. Your decision to stay is, of course yours and I respect it but let me say this. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. That would be something I think would excite you and prompt you to reconsider


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@Missus28 You can deal with this issue. Believe it or not, the best course of action I have EVER heard about your situation is, you have to teach people how to treat you. There are some behaviors that are okay, and some are not. You have to decide what you will accept and what you will not accept. This advice may sound simple, and to some extent, it is, but it works. It's one of the things I heard Dr. Phil say many years ago that has not only stuck with me but has proven itself to be good.

He calls you a name. Your response: "You're not going to speak to me that way. I'm your wife, I'm an adult, and I deserve better than that. Do you want to start the conversation over again, or do you want to end it?" Something like that. Over time, he may get the message. Before you say it will never work, I have seen this approach work wonders, even in my own family. The hardest part is, if he refuses to come around, you have to move on. The good part is, if he refuses to come around, you will have a much better understanding of the problem and a much better understanding that there is little or nothing you can do about it. 

Please try it. Decide what you will accept, and accept no more.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bobert said:


> You should never marry someone with the expectation that they will someday change. Unfortunately you learned that lesson a little too late, but you're not alone in that club. A lot of people do the same thing.
> 
> People can grow but more often than not they need a reason to. You wanting him to change or asking him to change isn't enough. You saying this needs to be worked on or you want a divorce might do the trick, but you have to mean it and intend to follow through.
> 
> Have you considered marriage counseling?


I agree with the above. People rarely change unless they either want to do so for themselves, or they’re given a damn good reason to do so. You’re definitely not alone, and you’ve come to a great place to get some great advice.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

I'm gonna say something different. I'm a couple or more decades older than 25 and I am not like I was at 25 in a lot of ways. I think most normal people DO grow from their 25 year old self. Personality things might not, but habits and methods of dealing with things should...because ADULT and maturity.

Saying "well ya shoulda expected him to stay 25" is really weird in my opinion. I'm GLAD I'm not just like I was at 25.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I was watching a movie recently and one of the characters made the comment "when you marry you actually marry two people, the one standing in front of right then and the one you hope they turn out to be". 

I was disappointed in the person I married. She wasn't established in her life but said all the things I wanted to hear, "I want a family centered life, a fulfilling career, a nice home, I want stability, and I'm willing to work hard to get there"

I loved her and married her thinking I had a partner who shared my dreams, but that was never the case. She never turned into the person she told me she wanted to be, in fact she turned into the type of person I didn't want in my life. 

So yes, I was very disappointed in my spouse, or I should say ex spouse.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hiner112 said:


> There is an old joke that goes something like, "It is ironic that women marry men hoping they will change while men marry women hoping that they don't."


I must be a man then, LOL! Because I loved my past partners as they were, and then they changed into someone different, someone not good. So I am always of the hope that they DONT change.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

justlistening said:


> I'm gonna say something different. I'm a couple or more decades older than 25 and I am not like I was at 25 in a lot of ways. I think most normal people DO grow from their 25 year old self. Personality things might not, but habits and methods of dealing with things should...because ADULT and maturity.
> 
> Saying "well ya shoulda expected him to stay 25" is really weird in my opinion. I'm GLAD I'm not just like I was at 25.


JL, abuse is a personality disorder and it can grow ( your correct) but in very bad ways. It kinda sounds like your angry and making excuses for her H, abusers don't deserve a second chance or the possibility of seeing them grow out of their childhood ways. 

You either get life ( on how it's supposed to work )or you don't period, so what's weird that she would want a responsible man who has 1 child with another on the way, to stop and set the example a father and a man should.

I am glad you've grown from being 25, but just how many chances do you give abusers? 1 day 10days 1 yr before they might knock your teeth out. A abuser deserves zip, if your a normal adult and i'm sure she and H has spoke of this topic before, look at the OP she's still try to give her abuser let alone husband a chance. 

And yet no change for her, dope smoking and all other issues he drags around with him blaming the world and especially his wife for everything he can think of because he should be able to get high and have no one tell him anything or hold he responsible.

But if l am misunderstanding, where you tried to go with the above please share.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My take on the original post is a bit different, and certainly unpopular. Over the years I've employed a lot of marijuana users, and although the evidence says it is not very addictive, I've never known a pot user to quit. A healthy place for your kids should not include marijuana abuse. Legal or not. The wise use of the herb for medicinal purposes I have no trouble with. But like other psychoactive drugs it will have psychological effects. I always knew when an employee was using. Obvious drop in productivity.

As far as hope or commiseration, I can give you another joke. Why are government bonds better than men? Unlike men, after a long time Government bonds "mature".


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

justlistening said:


> I'm gonna say something different. I'm a couple or more decades older than 25 and I am not like I was at 25 in a lot of ways. I think most normal people DO grow from their 25 year old self. Personality things might not, but habits and methods of dealing with things should...because ADULT and maturity.
> 
> Saying "well ya shoulda expected him to stay 25" is really weird in my opinion. I'm GLAD I'm not just like I was at 25.


I agree, I don't think it's out of line to expect growth and change from your partner. I sure charged a lot since I was 25! But I think what people mean is it's unfair to "choose" what needs to be changed (I think that's what they mean). Like his weed habit or poor communication skills. That's what I'd choose to change but it's unfair to expect it. Thanks for replying, it was a nice change to read you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

After writing that post, I read @Tilted 1 's latest and I realized that I didn't address the abuse. Strange for me.

This is very serious advice. You cannot protect your children if you are unconscious or dead. Learn to defend yourself.

The very first time that your abusive life partner hits you, take the kids and go to the emergency room. 1. The doctors will believe you. 2. The doctors don't care if you decide not to press charges. 3. You will have a record of the event. 

When you choose to stay with an abusive person you are risking the almost certain escalation of abuse. Abused partners die.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

@MrNail haha low blow on your own gender. Very funny though. He smokes after the kids are down but like, yeah, every day is a lot. And you're right, it shows after a while. My sister's father is in his 60's now, has been smoking since he was a teen and it shows, A LOT.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

I just feel like I need to reassure some people on a thing or two; I understand the verbal abuse going on, it's not being ignored and I've taken steps to protect myself from it. I will protect the kids if it comes to it (and that includes protecting them from yelling matches), leave if necessary and I won't wait for the situation (abuse) to get worse. There's no smoking around the kids and if *this* changes for the worst, I don't intend to stay.


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> justlistening said:
> 
> 
> > I'm gonna say something different. I'm a couple or more decades older than 25 and I am not like I was at 25 in a lot of ways. I think most normal people DO grow from their 25 year old self. Personality things might not, but habits and methods of dealing with things should...because ADULT and maturity.
> ...


LOL

I missed some posts I think. I didn't read the abuse part. Yeah abuse is a whole different animal.

The OP stated her husband hadn't grown. Then a bunch of people jumped on her for "expecting her husband to change." Hopefully we all grow as we get older. Some people seemed to indicate she was wrong for hoping for normal growth and maturing.

What you sensed wasn't anger. It was annoyance on her behalf and in her defense.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> ... I understand the verbal abuse going on, it's not being ignored and I've taken steps to protect myself from it. I will protect the kids if it comes to it (and that includes protecting them from yelling matches), leave if necessary and I won't wait for the situation (abuse) to get worse.


But don't you think in the here and now, you are selling yourself short and denying yourself the happiness you deserve? Do you and your husband have any sort of sex life? 

I lived in a group house (male/female) in my early- to mid-20s. We were all stoners. Smoked daily. I gotta tell ya, we were a mellow bunch, but not particularly ambitious. As a rule, we'd stare at the TV set and eat tubs of ice cream or cereal. We were too stoned to read a recipe or get it together enough to actually prepare a meal; thus, the munchie food was the open-a-box and chow-down variety.

I'm guessing your husband may be rather sedentary if he's not being abusive. Honestly, children pick up vibes at a very young age. While he might not be abusive to the kids, he may very well be dismissive or just not present emotionally-speaking.


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## Missus28 (Jan 19, 2020)

@Prodigal I do believe I'm denying myself something by staying. For now, we want to see if we're able to make it work for the kids. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. My motivation to stay is that my parents were divorced and my childhood sucked. I learned to tolerate abuse because I grew up around it. Hence not seeing verbal abuse as a major red flag but more like...just a flag. I know that now, it's a bit late and I'm trying to see if I can change things for myself.
Oh yeah and he's an active guy. Trains every second day. Likes to keep active in general. Not a TV guy, more of a "stare at his phone non stop" guy. He just loves to smoke in the evenings.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

People don't change, and you shouldn't expect them to. Good luck.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Forget about him and focus on yourself. You sound depressed and hopeless. 
At the end of my marriage I was a shell of a person. And I hated that I allowed him to take that away from me.
Focus on yourself. Get healthy mentally and physically and find hobbies and friends that make you happy. I was so focused on a failing marriage that it really messed up who I was. Don’t let him forget that your a person who deserves to be happy. It’s all about self care. Have no expectations of him and don’t do anything nice for him.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

What does he hold onto from all those years ago? If hes been harboring something from years ago it is obviously something that had a lingering effect on him. What was it?


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## justlistening (Jan 23, 2020)

Benbutton said:


> What does he hold onto from all those years ago? If hes been harboring something from years ago it is obviously something that had a lingering effect on him. What was it?


Or he's just a bitter blameshifting jerk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

bobert said:


> You should never marry someone with the expectation that they will someday change.


I don't think the OP married this clown with the expectation that he would "change," but the time comes when we all eventually have to grow the hell UP and be an adult. He was a baby when she married him - and he's STILL a damned baby.

I wouldn't put up with this ass-hole and don't blame you at ALL for being unhappy, OP. Aside from him being a pothead, he's an abusive, nasty little troll.

The world won't end if you decide you'd like a better, healthier life without him. Stop using your kids as an excuse not to have to make any big decisions or do the heavy lifting of moving onto a new life. "Staying for the kids" sounds SO noble and conveniently allows you to stay right where you are with the devil you DO know. 

And what are you teaching your kids, staying with him? That it's normal to be angry all the time? High all the time? That it's normal to call mommy names and say abusive, nasty things to her on a regular basis? *THAT'S *the environment you're being so 'noble' and staying married for - for their_* supposed*_ benefit in you staying?

Eventually, that excuse is going to wear real thin for you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

@EleGirl, "Oh, don't apologize for the length of your post. *You should see some of the books that people post here."* LOL Sing it, girl!
@Missus28, I've found that people generally live up to or down to your expectations. When you say that you don't expect him to change/grow anymore, are you saying that you are prepared to live with a man-child forever, 'til the kids are out of the house, 'til he's struck by lightning and has an epiphany or until you just can't take it anymore? 

I recommend you start getting your ducks in a row to leave so you'll be prepared when that feeling of "I can't take this one more minute" hits - and it will.

One more piece of advice - when he starts dragging up crap from the past, ask him to please stay on topic. He does that to deflect from the current discussion.

BTW, it is entirely reasonable to expect a 25 year old to mature as they age and take on the responsibilities of a family. Life is all about change and clinging to the habits of youth does not bode well for the stuck.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Missus28 said:


> @EleGirl ... Once he calmed down, we agreed to stay together for the kids (as long as we were able to offer a healthy environment).
> 
> The dynamic has shifted already:* I have zero expectations from him* so I'm not as angry or bitter anymore. I let him leave the house as often and as long as he wants (more peace for me, more freedom for him). *His words bear almost no weight to me *so I don't suffer from them anymore. And...yeah I'm kinda, getting some power back because I care less. It's sad and good at the same time.
> 
> Wow, sorry, that was a loooong answer.


 Do you think this is tenable for you?

As @She'sStillGotIt stated do you think an environment of him being an abusive stoner and you just barely tolerating him is a healthy environment for your kids? it's not. They will carry those traits on into their relationships making this ****ty behavior a family legacy.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Missus28 said:


> I met my husband 11 years ago and I'm disappointed because I feel he hasn't grown much. Behaviours that were ok (or that I used to) at 25 are now looking very pathetic at 36. Especially for a man with children. Like smoking weed everyday, for instance. Not great to begin with but I didn't think it was going to be a lifelong habit.
> Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like just comes off as really immature now.
> He also hangs on to the past for dear life and brings back old arguments, grudges or mistakes when we fight. As old as 8 or 10 years old! Which makes me feel like no matter how much I grow or try to better myself, he just keeps bringing back the old me.
> I wish I knew back then that what you see is what you get with people. Don't expect them to change or grow because maybe it won't happen. So if you don't think you can handle certain things FOREVER, don't marry that person.
> Anyone else?


Well yeah, I've been divorced for a while but I was extremely disappointed in my XW while married. But interestingly enough it was for the opposite reason as your disappointment. For me it wasn't that she continued old, unwanted behaviors but rather that she made promises she never kept.

But there's an underlying common truth here. Your spouse either is a partner or he is not. Either he is willing to put his innate tendencies aside enough to be a responsible person who acts like he values you, or he is not. You already know that waiting hasn't helped (or perhaps it's made him even more set in his ways), so what will you do now?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DTO said:


> ...I was extremely disappointed in my XW while married....he made promises she never kept.



Interesting! Would you please elaborate? Were you able to determine the reason she didn't keep her promises? Did you have any role in her not keeping her promises? Did you keep all of yours?

These questions are not accusatory or argumentative. I'm just trying to understand how this problem plays out in the long term since you're now looking at it with hindsight.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Sfort said:


> Interesting! Would you please elaborate? Were you able to determine the reason she didn't keep her promises? Did you have any role in her not keeping her promises? Did you keep all of yours?
> 
> These questions are not accusatory or argumentative. I'm just trying to understand how this problem plays out in the long term since you're now looking at it with hindsight.


I don't mind sharing. The issues were, unsurprisingly, sex and money related. She made promises to be a good sexual partner when we discussed these issues (yes I was specific in what I expected). Those never happened - not even on our honeymoon. And it got worse from there.

Also, we had started off cooperating on chores and finances and she reneged there too. We had an agreement that since we lived much closer to her work and I worked OT she would do more at home to preserve balance. Instead, little got done and she even started complaining about picking up our son from school (a mile from home).

Her problems were laziness and narcissism. If something wasn't to her liking she simply would not do it no matter the agreement. She expected me to take care of her, so I needed to make her needs and "need nots" happen and remain content and engaged within that. She did have issues from her upbringing but refused to work on herself and insisted she deserved special dispensation - so, again, laziness and narcissism.

I did meet my commitments and objectives. I don't claim to have been always on, because nobody is. But I was a loving and faithful husband and father, made good money, was home and present nights and weekends, did what she asked, provided the house the requested and a new car for her, etc. 

The issue is she said "yes" but meant "maybe, if it's easy and I feel like it". She wanted someone to take care of her but knew I wouldn't if she was honest about her feelings for me, so she lied. There's nothing I could have done to impact her mindset, so no I didn't play any part in her not meeting her promises.

I know it might sound heartless, but it's not my responsibility to soothe anyone's wounds. I understand how someone in her situation (seriously ill father and otherwise crappy family, very poor, in foster care) could be driven to seek security but that doesn't make it okay to have it at my expense. Plenty of people have rough childhoods and work hard to rise above that. And others, unfortunately, struggle to some extent throughout their lives but that's the breaks.

Nonetheless, if she had come to me and said "I'm sorry I lied but want to do right by you, so help me while I get my head straight" I would have done everything I could to help her. Unfortunately for her, she bailed after it was clear I prioritizing myself which meant she would have to do more. Hard lessons. Too bad she didn't learn in time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think that you probably need to decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Not that you should divorce, but sounds like we're beyond the mere 'disappointment' stage, at this point.


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