# Did you remain friends with your ex?



## Where Are We

Is this unhealthy? 

We have not been a couple for almost two years. We had been together for 12 years and married for seven of them. I couldn't stand to be around him for probably the first six months. Now I'm starting to see the man I met so long ago. He is a good guy in so many ways, but I could never trust him again in a romantic relationship. I still have moments I want to choke him and cut off his manhood lol.

I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. We don't have kids together but I have three. The two youngest like seeing him and I leave it up to them if they want to.

If it matters, we divorced after I found out he had been cheating on me the entire 12 years. No affairs, but random hook ups with people, many that he paid for (prostitution).

Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.


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## Openminded

My ex-husband was a cheater. I divorced him after many decades. I hated him when I was going through the divorce process but we became friends after. So, yes, it can be done but I don't think it's very common.


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## lorikeet25

I tried, but every time I talked to him I remembered why I divorced him. He wasn't a cheater, but he had a huge ego, and a drinking problem. Even as a friend he was tedious.


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## arbitrator

Where Are We said:


> Is this unhealthy?
> 
> We have not been a couple for almost two years. We had been together for 12 years and married for seven of them. I couldn't stand to be around him for probably the first six months. Now I'm starting to see the man I met so long ago. He is a good guy in so many ways, but I could never trust him again in a romantic relationship. I still have moments I want to choke him and cut off his manhood lol.
> 
> I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. We don't have kids together but I have three. The two youngest like seeing him and I leave it up to them if they want to.
> 
> If it matters, we divorced after I found out he had been cheating on me the entire 12 years. No affairs, but random hook ups with people, many that he paid for (prostitution).
> 
> Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.


*Ol' Arb's situation? Two XW's ~ Two cheaters ~ Two liars ~ Zero friends!

Bipolar XW#1(boys mom) has come around to act friendly, has actually 
all but confessed to "her crimes," would probably want to renew our friendship, but I'm about as close to her as I ever want to be!

RSXW(#2)? Well, let's just say that she'll never ever receive the opportunity to garner or regain friendship status with me again, due to the sobering fact of her being the magnanimous undercover cheater and liar that she so aptly proved herself to be! 

And as the devout Christian that I am, I had little problem in internally offering either of them forgiveness! But as the betrayed human that I am, I could never quite allow myself to ever forget the heart-wrenching pain that I was so brazenly and callously subjected to!*


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## browser

Where Are We said:


> Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.


I don't see where you answered your own question but you asked yourself the same question I was going to.


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## Where Are We

Thanks for the replies. 

I'm thinking no. I would not knowingly seek out a friendship with someone like this. 

The crazy thing is that I'm the one who lost all but one couple of our mutual friends in this. I'm the bad guy. I have no compassion they say and if it was their spouse they would forgive and not leave. Reason being it was just sex and he didn't fall in love.


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## rockon

Where Are We said:


> it was just sex and didn't fall in love.


My ex tried to pull this crap when I caught her cheating. What twisted moral code does one have to think this makes sense? 

I just don't get it.


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## sokillme

I ghosted, but someone pointed out to me I didn't have kids so it was easy. If I had kids I would have been all business. Now if there wasn't cheating which is not the case with you, then I probably could have remained friends.


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## sokillme

Where Are We said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I'm thinking no. I would not knowingly seek out a friendship with someone like this.
> 
> The crazy thing is that I'm the one who lost all but one couple of our mutual friends in this. I'm the bad guy. I have no compassion they say and if it was their spouse they would forgive and not leave. Reason being it was just sex and he didn't fall in love.


Who needs friends like that. Seriously you can do better. If I was a wife in a group of friends like that, I would be worried about what my husband is doing also. Birds of a feather as they say.


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## Chuck71

Thank goodness you never caught something you "can't get rid of"


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## NextTimeAround

Where Are We said:


> Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I'm thinking no. I would not knowingly seek out a friendship with someone like this.
> 
> The crazy thing is that I'm the one who lost all but one couple of our mutual friends in this. I'm the bad guy. I have no compassion they say and if it was their spouse they would forgive and not leave. Reason being it was just sex and he didn't fall in love.


I chose not to be friends with my exH and not to be friends with those who remained friends with him.

I think I avoided a lot of agro.
a lot of gossip
a lot of oops, we're having a party and he's coming so you can't
a lot of last minute invitations because they invited him first and he cancelled...... so now you can come
a lot of oops I didn't mean to tell you that, but I guess I did and so on.....

in these situations, a lot of people like to get a piece of the drama.

I remember a couple of friends who felt hard done by because they weren't the first to know that I was getting a divorce (everyone wants to be in on the drama)

one of these women, when I look back on the problems that I had as a friend with her, made me realise that she was after my husband. At one point she asked me about him, I said that I learned from a couple of friends that he sent them Christmas cards. "well, he didn't send me one......" she said immediately......


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## TheLyonKyng

I applaud those who can remain friends after a divorce even if there has been some passage of time. I am not one of these people. My divorce will soon be finalized. I have fought for my wife for four years. We were only married for five. She allowed her friends to come between us and she wanted to live the life of a single woman. She has chosen everyone and everything else over me. She wants to date other men and I have to just let it and her go. So, I do not have the desire to be her friend when the divorce is final. We don't have kids together and everything else has been divided. Lessons learned.


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## Haiku

At the moment my brain can't come up with a better word than friends so I'll just say yes we remain genuinely friendly. Neither of us deny the marital and romantic relationship is over so there's no ulterior motivation other than sincere mutual good will. We are not enemies. 

My (step)-daughter came to visit over the holidays and stayed with me. Her mom and mom's fiancé came to the house for a visit. I made a small meal and the four of us ate and had ****tails without any discomfort. 

If we ever had an important need I could call my daughter's mom and she'd help. And visa-versa. I wouldn't do it though.

If young children are involved - parents who can move past anger and resentment to being genuinely cordial with each other - gives a huge gift to their kids and themselves. 

If a "friendship" with a past spouse or lover interferes with a current relationship then it's time for some serious introspection.


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## 2ntnuf

I don't know how you can be true friends unless maybe you really had no deep feelings for her or him in the first place. Otherwise, there would always be a time, a situation, a moment when you or s/he would think, "I wonder if...". 

I guess if I felt I really picked the wrong person because of something I was delusional about, I might understand. 

When you choose as wisely as you are able, and you believe, hope, dream, and think of what life will be like when retired with her/him, it's tough to be friends when it ends, no matter the reason.

I'm thinking that being civil when you have to be around them for as little time as absolutely necessary, is the maximum anyone could expect. 

I will probably run the other way if I ever see my ex in or around where I am. I can't run, so I'll have to walk as quickly as I can. I will not even entertain the idea of being close enough to see her. That's probably hundred yards or more. I wouldn't hold my bowels till I could get to her gravesite. She isn't worth the discomfort.

I'll applaud @Haiku. I don't even remotely understand how that could be done.


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## Haiku

2ntnuf said:


> I'll applaud Haiku. I don't even remotely understand how that could be done.


It works in my situation and can appreciate it won't for all people. Individual circumstances are relevant.


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## MrsHolland

Ex and I are friends and co parents. There was no cheating though so completely different to your situation OP. If there was cheating involved I would not have any contact at all with an ex unless it was emails about children.

He went to prostitutes for your 12 years of marriage, why do you want to be friends with him?


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## BlueWoman

No. I am not friends with my ex. He's not a bad person, and has a lot of good qualities, and in many ways would be a good friend. But the worst thing that he has ever done, he did to me. And that will always be part of how I see him. So no, we are not friends, and I don't think we ever will be. 

Also, the emotions I felt for him were entirely too intense to be friendly. I loved him fiercely and then hated him deeply. I don't think that I could feel "friendly" to him. I think the thing that keeps me from being an emotional wreck is because I have nothing to do with him. And fortunately we didn't have kids with each other. 

I don't know what the right thing is for anyone else, but for me, I don't want to be friends with him at all.


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## Wolf1974

My X cheated on me. I could never again be friends with her, I have to have trust for friendship and I will never trust her again. Pity because she was once my best friends.

Cheating aside I can see how when you enter a new relationship this may be a huge issue and reg flag. Of all the reasons I have passed dating on a woman the number one reason has to be they were too cozy with their x.


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## Married but Happy

My ex-wife and I remained cordial, but not friends. Just too much long term negativity to remain friends. I have stayed friends with other exes, though, but those were all just dating situations of various lengths.


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## bkyln309

Ex and I are friendly but not friends. We pretty much agree on raising the kids but other than that, we dont chit chat.


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## Bananapeel

I'm not friends with my XWW, although we co-parent quite well. Quite honestly, she brings nothing to the table that I want or need. 

You're just going to hurt yourself and your kids by keeping this man in your life. A clean break is the healthiest way to end things.


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## jb02157

My wife isn't a cheater but came from a dysfunctional family where she was taught not to love or respect anybody yet ran around saying they were Christians. I of course didn't find that out until it was too late. She manages to ruin Christmas every year for me. It's hard to reinforce Christmas is a cheerful season to the kids with that happening to me all the time. Christmas has become a tough season for me because each year it reminds me just how dead our marriage is. All I can do is remember the ultimate gift that Christ gave us and focus on that.


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## FeministInPink

sokillme said:


> Who needs friends like that. Seriously you can do better. If I was a wife in a group of friends like that, I would be worried about what my husband is doing also. Birds of a feather as they say.


I agree! Ugh, who need friends who will believe a cheater's lies and tell you you should stay with someone who would cheat on you?!?

My XH didn't cheat, but he is a sh!tty, sh!tty person. He pretended to be a completely different person (from his true personality) to get me to fall in love with him, and he was emotionally abusive/manipulative throughout our relationship. When the facade of his fake personality began to fall away, I learned that he was the type of person that I would never normally associate with--and I was married to the guy! I wanted nothing to do with him, and I would never be friends with someone like him. I'm lucky in the fact that we had no kids, and I was able to walk away cleanly.

He also told lies about me to all our mutual friends, and they believed him. So I'm not friends with them anymore, either.

OP, you are under no obligation to be friends with your XH, especially not after he cheated on you. If you have kids, maintain an amicable but business-only relationship for the benefit of your kids, but you don't need to do anything more than that.

ETA: Just went back to original post. I see that you don't have kids with him, but your younger ones like him and want to see him. I would keep that to a minimum, if you can. I wouldn't want my kids looking up to a cheater or viewing him as a role model. But kids do get attached. Since he's not their bio dad, I don't really know how to advise you on this. I mean, you're the adult. You're the one in charge. Helping them maintain a relationship with him isn't good for you, and if you don't want them to see him, well, that's your decision. You can explain it when they are a little older, I suppose.


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## FeministInPink

jb02157 said:


> My wife isn't a cheater but came from a dysfunctional family where she was taught not to love or respect anybody yet ran around saying they were Christians. I of course didn't find that out until it was too late. She manages to ruin Christmas every year for me. It's hard to reinforce Christmas is a cheerful season to the kids with that happening to me all the time. Christmas has become a tough season for me because each year it reminds me just how dead our marriage is. All I can do is remember the ultimate gift that Christ gave us and focus on that.


Are you married to my mom?


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## Chuck71

FeministInPink said:


> I agree! Ugh, who need friends who will believe a cheater's lies and tell you you should stay with someone who would cheat on you?!?
> 
> My XH didn't cheat, but he is a sh!tty, sh!tty person. He pretended to be a completely different person (from his true personality) to get me to fall in love with him, and he was emotionally abusive/manipulative throughout our relationship. When the facade of his fake personality began to fall away, I learned that he was the type of person that I would never normally associate with--and I was married to the guy! I wanted nothing to do with him, and I would never be friends with someone like him. I'm lucky in the fact that we had no kids, and I was able to walk away cleanly.
> 
> He also told lies about me to all our mutual friends, and they believed him. So I'm not friends with them anymore, either.
> 
> OP, you are under no obligation to be friends with your XH, especially not after he cheated on you. If you have kids, maintain an amicable but business-only relationship for the benefit of your kids, but you don't need to do anything more than that.
> 
> ETA: Just went back to original post. I see that you don't have kids with him, but your younger ones like him and want to see him. I would keep that to a minimum, if you can. I wouldn't want my kids looking up to a cheater or viewing him as a role model. But kids do get attached. Since he's not their bio dad, I don't really know how to advise you on this. I mean, you're the adult. You're the one in charge. Helping them maintain a relationship with him isn't good for you, and if you don't want them to see him, well, that's your decision. You can explain it when they are a little older, I suppose.


"Bandaged people" can put on the façade for 18-24 months, IF you don't know what to look for.

If you don't.... you hear "I'm pregnant, let's get M" Then the "real" BS begins


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## FeministInPink

Chuck71 said:


> "Bandaged people" can put on the façade for 18-24 months, IF you don't know what to look for.
> 
> If you don't.... you hear "I'm pregnant, let's get M" Then the "real" BS begins


He managed it for 5+ years!!! That's how he was able to fool me. Any time there was a crack, he would double down.

I was also young and naive. I didn't see the red flags, because my toxic mother conditioned me to believe that behavior was normal and ok. Thanks, Mom!


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## WasDecimated

No, I am not friends with my XWW. I opted out of that arrangement.

I tried to do the friend thing early on but it became obvious that was not going to work. I did not benefit at all from trying to be friends…only she did. In fact, it was just hurting me more. She would call me, text me, and show up at my house and just walk inside. There were even times where she would wear sexy clothes, flirt with me and try to get me to pursue her physically. This was not allowing me to heal and move on. It was keeping me stuck and depressed. She was just using me to make herself feel better, build her ego and ease her conscience over what she did. Even after the divorce, she was still trying to have her cake and eat it too. In her mind, what she did could not have been that bad because I was still friends with her. 

Since our kids were teenagers and were more than capable of communicating, I decided on NC with her. Through our entire relationship, I always put her first but now I had to do what was best for me.


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## OnTheRocks

I pretend like I'm friends my cheating **** ex for the sake of our kid, and the possibility of her having my salary reviewed for an increase in child support. LOL

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## commonsenseisn't

He!! no, I'm not friends with my ex wife who betrayed me! I can't even begin to comprehend how I could see her as a "friend" when she crushed me so badly. Early on I had to force my heart to believe my intellect that a friend, by definition, simply does not do this to another. It's non negotiable! 

I have a huge problem with people (self included) who can't or won't believe the actions of a cheater speak louder than words. I also think this includes the idea that unfaithful words and actions of the present are vastly more relevant than whatever was said or done in the past, no matter how virtuous they might have been. 

My ex mentioned during the divorce that she would like to remain friends, but in a rare moment of clarity in the midst of a gut wrenching betrayal, I responded to her: "no, we are not friends. No friend would have done what you have done to me, and furthermore not only are you anti-friend, I recognize you are a mortal enemy to my soul. Indeed, you have done more to wound me than all other things combined in my lifetime. You are the very antithesis of what a friend really is, and I will force myself hereafter to correctly identify you as the most hateful enemy in my life." 

Easier said than done. Once in a while I catch myself remembering the good that we had before the betrayal, but then I must force myself to relearn the truth that this person is not a friend and I would be foolish to let myself believe otherwise. It's called "facing reality."


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## Satya

Once the decree absolute came in the mail, I ended contact. We didn't have children and there was nothing left to discuss. Ex came back sniffing 3 years later, looking for friendship, and received a diplomatic request to get bent.


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## Chuck71

No kids here either (thank God). XW wanted us to remain friends.... cute! 

But after the way I was mistreated in the first half of the 60 day wait for D, I simply returned the favor. 

She even asked me out.... in the parking lot..... right after our D was final.

She moved away and just moved back. We did get together once due to my mom's death. 

She wants us to re-ignite what we had.... ain't happening. She still tries the manipulating tactics.... 

course I'm a sociopath when I'm crossed, so I'm good 8>)


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## WasDecimated

commonsenseisn't said:


> My ex mentioned during the divorce that she would like to remain friends, but in a rare moment of clarity in the midst of a gut wrenching betrayal, I responded to her: "no, we are not friends. No friend would have done what you have done to me, and furthermore not only are you anti-friend, I recognize you are a mortal enemy to my soul. Indeed, you have done more to wound me than all other things combined in my lifetime. You are the very antithesis of what a friend really is, and I will force myself hereafter to correctly identify you as the most hateful enemy in my life." "


:iagree::iagree::iagree: *This pretty much say's it all!*


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## joannacroc

Where Are We said:


> Is this unhealthy?
> 
> We have not been a couple for almost two years. We had been together for 12 years and married for seven of them. I couldn't stand to be around him for probably the first six months. Now I'm starting to see the man I met so long ago. He is a good guy in so many ways, but I could never trust him again in a romantic relationship. I still have moments I want to choke him and cut off his manhood lol.
> 
> I wonder if I'm doing more harm than good. We don't have kids together but I have three. The two youngest like seeing him and I leave it up to them if they want to.
> 
> *If it matters, we divorced after I found out he had been cheating on me the entire 12 years. No affairs, but random hook ups with people, many that he paid for (prostitution).
> 
> Now that I'm typing this, I wonder why I would even want any friend with this type of lifestyle. Perhaps I answered my own question.*


By all means, aim for civility, but ask yourself this, if you had never met this person before and you knew that they had cheated on their wife for 12 years with prostitutes and random hookups, would you say to yourself "Wow, that's a person who seems really cool. I'd sure like to hang out with them sometime."? No? Didn't think so.

It sounds like he has put you through a lot already. The issue of whether the kids socialize or spend time with him seems sort of separate. If they have built a relationship with him, I guess that' really your call.


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## GusPolinski

Cut the cord.

You don't want this guy around your kids.


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## oceanbreeze

My first ex of 9 years wanted to remain lifelong friends and still have a child after our divorce. No thank you...especially after learning about his cheating and the way he treated me during our short marriage (just flipped personalities after years of dating). 

I would rather you explain to your kids that you and this guy will not see each other and the older they are then you can go into details. It's nice to have a father figure, BUT this person would just be hindering you from moving on to finding someone great who can really be a husband and father figure to your children. 

Plus, I don't believe in ex's being friends. When I met my current husband, I did not know until later that he had remained friends with his ex of 7 years and friends for 3 years. All of his relationships, I learned, did not work out following their break up because each time he found a new woman, this "friend" (his ex of 7 years) would interfere with each of his relationships, so they could not flourish and grow. When my husband and I became more than friends in the time period of those 3 years that I knew him, then I learned that she had went to the point of expressing suicidal ideation and I went with my husband to support him because he felt so guilty moving on in his life as his friend was always having a regular crisis. Afterward, she stayed away because another mutual family member is soon to be a social worker as well, helped and supported this woman and then for months she began to stay away, until she learned of our marriage and first pregnancy together. 

So I do not think it's healthy for both you and your children to exposed to someone who could potentially damage you and your children's growth into something better.


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## Hellomynameis

I would have tried to be friends in the beginning but after he made it clear that he wanted no part of either my life or our son's, I let it go. Years later, I pretty much hate him. His behavior has hurt our son terribly and I'll never forgive him for that.


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## 5Creed

I tried to be friends with him and wanted to so badly for my kids. It was not healthy for me in the end though as it felt too much like we leaned on each other and talked way too much about life in general. For me it was so hurtful because it still felt like we were together and married in a small way; but he was dating around with many women and I needed to disengage to get better and heal. I felt used truly to be his sounding board and to be his advice giver etc. So wrong!

I am thankful that currently we hardly talk at all and only will about the kids if the need arises. I dread having to do it as he can compartmentalize like the expert he is and acts like we are still friends-like asking how I am, what is new? How is my health? Etc. Yuck. I want those calls to end and do anything I can to avoid speaking directly with him these days.


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