# What is a good first step with x wife?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I've been divorced from my x wife for about two years now. It was her idea. there was no abuse or cheating on my part, she was just no longer happy, and at that point, it seemed that everything i ever did was wrong. She dated a guy for a while and he got another woman pregnant and dumped her. He is the only guy she dated since and that's been several months.

We bickered some during and after the divorce, but nothing heavy. Currently, we haven't had a cross word in a year. We only talk business, but her tone is normal now and not defensive. I'm wondering, if I ever did want to try and to see if there was hope of something between us again, what would be a good way to test the waters to see if she would be interested in trying again? If she's not, I don't want to do anything to create a weird situation. I'd like some ladies advice, because I'm sure I'd chose the wrong way to do it.

I'm not drowning in my sorrows anymore, and I have written here many times about how I am fine being single. It's just difficult to flush an 18 year marriage down the drain and pretend it never happened, especially since there wasn't any huge issues. I guess the fact that she hasn't went wild trying to date every guy that comes along and hasn't changed her lifestyle makes me wonder if there might be a chance. I guess I'm just pondering whether to give it one final attempt to assure myself that it either can never be again, or there might be hope. 

Thanks.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

She is an X for a reason! Move on!

I understand the draw towards wanting what is familiar, what is comfortable. But she left you, do you really want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

What wasn't your wife happy about?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As I see it, the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence for her. Perhaps she is beginning to see that. Since she is the one who left, I don't think the first step should be up to you. That should be entirely up to her. And an apology from her would be an excellent first step.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> What wasn't your wife happy about?


She said i never wanted to do anything she wanted to do anymore, like board games with her family. She said i complained about the house we built all the time. Most people told me that was normal because once they built a house they found a hundred things they wish they had done differently. She said i didn't do things to make her feel special anymore. Once she decided she wanted a divorce, you could name anything I had done and it was somehow wrong, even though i wasn't aware of it in the past.

The thing is, her desire for a divorce came from out of the blue. It wasn't as if we argued for years and then things just came to a head, but it happened suddenly. 

I was married to her for 18 years, and I don't think she's a bad woman. I even wonder if something messed with her mind a bit, like birth control pills that she had been on for all that time. That may sound crazy, but I honestly wonder. Wanting a divorce just wasn't "her."


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sounds like a Walkaway Wife.

I can't imagine divorcing over not playing board games with her family or complaining about a house that you built. Those issues just seem rather petty.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> Sounds like a Walkaway Wife.
> 
> I can't imagine divorcing over not playing board games with her family or complaining about a house that you built. Those issues just seem rather petty.


After coming here and realizing what a "walk away wife" is, I believe that is how I would label her. Rather petty is how I described it too. Of course, she took each issue to a deeper level. She said by not playing board games, it had robbed her of a great pleasure that she enjoyed with her family.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I would ask her to share an activity that involves the kids, such as watching soccer practice or a soccer game together. Keep the conversation light, about the game, and see if you can detect any emotion about being parents together.

After a few days, find some excuse to have her come over to your house. If that goes well, ask her over to dinner. Be prepared emotionally, however, for her to reject your overtures. At least you will know that she has moved on, and you can, too.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

southbound said:


> She said i never wanted to do anything she wanted to do anymore, like board games with her family. She said i complained about the house we built all the time. Most people told me that was normal because once they built a house they found a hundred things they wish they had done differently. She said i didn't do things to make her feel special anymore. Once she decided she wanted a divorce, you could name anything I had done and it was somehow wrong, even though i wasn't aware of it in the past.
> 
> The thing is, her desire for a divorce came from out of the blue. It wasn't as if we argued for years and then things just came to a head, but it happened suddenly.
> 
> I was married to her for 18 years, and I don't think she's a bad woman. I even wonder if something messed with her mind a bit, like birth control pills that she had been on for all that time. That may sound crazy, but I honestly wonder. Wanting a divorce just wasn't "her."


How soon after the D did she date her boyfriend?

Reads like she may have at least had him picked out before the D.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Sbrown said:


> How soon after the D did she date her boyfriend?
> 
> Reads like she may have at least had him picked out before the D.


We were separated three months before the divorce. She was with him a week after our divorce. She told me she met him after our separation and started talking, but it was before the divorce.
I wonder if she met him earlier and thought he would be the answer to her happiness? I wonder if it changed her views on me at all. She hasn't dated since.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's the one that left so she is the one who should approach you. Not the other way around.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Put yourself at the age of seventy-five or on your death bed and look back over the years. Will you regret not asking your wife if she wanted to try a reconciliation?

We mainly regret the things we didn’t do, not the things we did with our lives.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I have written here many times about how I am fine being single.


Why is that?

Your selfish wife left you after 18 years, in essence, breaking your heart while giving you a ticket to freedom.

Use the damn thing and date other women (many of them) without staying committed to one place or one lifestyle.

If at one point (a few years from now) you get tired of it all and decide that it's "not for you", then make a move towards settlement (with or without your selfish cheating(YES) ex-wife).

You don't have to forget the 18 year marriage with your ex wife. You just have to remember that Mrs. Self-Righteous decided to f*** it up by idolizing the other dude (the player) while making you feel like a piece of sh1t.

Forgive, but don't easily forget. She hurt you. Don't give her the luxury of having the option to do so again.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

southbound said:


> We were separated three months before the divorce. She was with him a week after our divorce. She told me she met him after our separation and started talking, but it was before the divorce.
> I wonder if she met him earlier and thought he would be the answer to her happiness? I wonder if it changed her views on me at all. She hasn't dated since.


I'd bet lunch she was with him BEFORE the separation....


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

southbound said:


> I've been divorced from my x wife for about two years now. It was her idea. there was no abuse or cheating on my part, she was just no longer happy, and at that point, it seemed that everything i ever did was wrong. She dated a guy for a while and he got another woman pregnant and dumped her. He is the only guy she dated since and that's been several months.
> 
> We bickered some during and after the divorce, but nothing heavy. Currently, we haven't had a cross word in a year. We only talk business, but her tone is normal now and not defensive. I'm wondering, if I ever did want to try and to see if there was hope of something between us again, what would be a good way to test the waters to see if she would be interested in trying again? If she's not, I don't want to do anything to create a weird situation. I'd like some ladies advice, because I'm sure I'd chose the wrong way to do it.
> 
> ...


Ask her out to dinner.

She may just want to start over as friends.

If she says no, you have your answer & can put this to rest.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

work on yourself find other people and women to hang out with make your self aloof and be whitty around her always have something to do ...even if you don't let her believe you do.



then say. she left me! unless she starts flitring or showing interest . put her behind you.


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