# Been a while: Dilemma Now what?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

It's been a year and a half since d-day. We moved out of our old apartment, we started to get things going in the right direction (Or so I thought). We were spending more time together. Most importantly, I was working on myself and I believe I'm a better person today.

Unfortunately, the last couple of months have been 'not so good' IMO. My wife is on her phone texting all the time, she's being distant again. She insists it's because we're both busy (It is a busy time of year for both us job wise). Still, it feels odd. It also seems that she jumps on me for any little thing I do that she feels is 'wrong'. As an example: This morning after I sent her mother off to daycare, I decided to bring the laundry in from outside. I noticed a couple of 'power stones' laying on top of some of the laundry. I moved them back into the apartment carefully but as soon as she saw that I did this, she got all angry saying 'I'll do it, please don't touch that.' and started to huff and puff saying it was her responsibility to take care of the laundry and that I shouldn't have touched her stones. I've never heard her talk about stones and I never expected to get yelled at for trying to help out with chores. I left the room, silent. She followed me and said something like 'It's not that they are broken or anything, I just don't want anyone touching them.' WELL THEN...WHY put them on top of the laundry outside I thought.

All these small things are now really getting to me. If I have to go to bed early, I always make sure to say goodnight before heading to bed. When she heads to bed she just turns off the lights and goes to bed. When I asked her about it, nicely, she replied with a very insincere 'Sorry...I didn't mean to make you feel bad.'. It would have been nice had there actually been the slightest bit of sincerity behind it. But there was none.

Sex is another issue. I've been what I would consider patient. Last week I decided to make things all nice before she came home. All house chores were done, her mother had an early dinner, my wife's dinner was ready, we watched some TV. We had some questions about what we watched and since her computer was there, she went and checked. I stood up, tried to give her a shoulder rub and suggested we head to the bedroom for some adult time. Her response...'OK, I'll try.' And it was in voice like a kid saying 'OK, I'll try' when being asked to do something he/she doesn't want to do. I walked away to do my own searches on my PC. She walked into the room a few minutes later and said 'Can we have sex tomorrow. I have an early shift tomorrow so I have to go to be early, but I come home early tomorrow.' I figured, OK...I'll get what I can take...but minutes later I already predicted what would happen. The next day, when she was suppose to be home about 6pm, she wasn't. At about 8.30pm I sent her a text asking if all was OK, that I thought she had an early shift. She replied that she was 'Sooooo tired and that work was rough.' She added 'I want to take a bath after sex so I can go to bed relaxed.'. Right there, I was out. Not in the mood at all, put right off. When she got home she did some stuff around the house and then came into the bedroom (I was listening to music trying to get my mind off things.) She said 'OK, can we do it now' Again, no enthusiasm or excitement. I told her "No, not today. You're tired, I'm tired. Maybe another day." She knew I was not happy. She replied "It's my fault right. If we don't do it then I'll feel bad." I told her she didn't have to, I wasn't in the mood either.

I had hoped that she would 'make it up' but nothing. I've tried romancing her, doing special little things for her, not even with any intention of asking for sex. 

Here is where the real dilemma comes: I'm starting to really not care. As hard as I fight to keep in my heart, I get more affection from friends than I do from her. I get more encouragement from friends than I do from her. It feels like I'm living half a life, like she's missing from it now but still there (Hard to explain the feeling). I've had dreams recently of catching her again and in those dreams I rant and rave and tell her to leave. I wake up feeling angry. A dream is just a dream, but those feelings still linger. I bring these up, she replies with 'I'm a bad person, I know...I'm selfish.' But she doesn't really mean it, her tone certainly doesn't reflect her words.

I'm tired of fighting for her. Now I'm thinking of leaving. At this stage, leaving her she would be financially screwed. Her responsibilities would double (The only person taking care of her mother without me). I wouldn't want to mess up her life, but staying now I feel like I'm messing up mine. I'm 33, I still need the affection and love that we once had. I'm just afraid it's no longer there. I have no other girl in my life (As in leaving my wife for someone else) but I know I could find someone. Maybe not soon, but someday. I have nobody to really talk to. So, I'm asking here...

Long post...hope it was a good read...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Who had the affair? You or her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If it was her who had the affair, it sounds like something is happening again.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

michzz said:


> Who had the affair? You or her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP stated that "I've had dreams recently of catching her again" so she was the one that had the affair.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It wasn't clear to me.

But it makes sense that she's avoiding sex even though she feels guilted to do what she doesnt want to do.

You are not going to get her to want sex with you the way you've been going about it. It is not repairing your marriage.

That whole crap with the stones is nonsense.

You two need a marriage counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> it sounds like something is happening again.


I sure does.:iagree:

Going with only the facts stated here, it looks to me like the wife is only staying married to him because she needs help taking care of her Mother.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

michzz said:


> It wasn't clear to me.
> 
> But it makes sense that she's avoiding sex even though she feels guilted to do what she doesnt want to do.
> 
> ...



Yes,sounds like two kids going tit for tat and never being able to get past 'ME"!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

horrible passive aggressive behavior on both sides


neither of you are asking for what they want in a clear and concise manner


there's always one thing to consider about healing from infidelity- once you get past the healing phase of infidelity you are still left with the same type of marriage you had prior to the affair and that stuff needs to be fixed as well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Very much sounds like she is once again crossing relationship boundaries.

If she had the affair, you should have insisted on full transparency, and you should see who she I'd talking to on her phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

This is a trap that many BS’s (including myself at one time) fall into. The WS cheats and the BS ends up doing all the work to save the M leaving the WS unmotivated to do anything. All this work (basically butt-kissing) ends up making the BS look weak. In reality, the WS should have been doing at least half, if not 90% on the work since they are the one that screwed up and should be proving themselves to you that they have changed and are worth keeping. 

It’s 180 time, start pulling back and snooping since excessive txt’n tends to be a huge red flag that another A is going on. Trying to romance her is just pushing her away and its rewarding bad behavior. 

You have to take a “tough love” approach because being nice only makes things worse. “Nice” is basically enabling in these cases. If you treat them like royalty, they will treat you like a servant.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> This is a trap that many BS’s (including myself at one time) fall into. The WS cheats and the BS ends up doing all the work to save the M leaving the WS unmotivated to do anything. All this work (basically butt-kissing) ends up making the BS look weak. In reality, the WS should have been doing at least half, if not 90% on the work since they are the one that screwed up and should be proving themselves to you that they have changed and are worth keeping.


It's a common theme here in CWI. In a nutshell, the affair gets swept under the rug, and the BS comes back here reporting the situation is the same or even worse than last time. In this case, either she took the affair further underground, or this is a new one.


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

:iagree:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

At 33 you are exceptionally young with a lifetime ahead of you. Don’t go wasting anymore of your life on the wrong woman. She’s a big girl. Just let her get on with her life with her mother in it. You’ve given it your best which is all you can ask of yourself. They’ll make out ok and you can go off and find your happiness.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

AFEH said:


> At 33 you are exceptionally young with a lifetime ahead of you. Don’t go wasting anymore of your life on the wrong woman. She’s a big girl. Just let her get on with her life with her mother in it. You’ve given it your best which is all you can ask of yourself. They’ll make out ok and you can go off and find your happiness.


:iagree: It certainly seems to be all give on your part and take on hers. 

Time to cut her loose. If you are caring less and less, it wont get any better unless something drastically changes. After having gone over a year since d day and things are slipping right back to the status quo, it's time to move on man.

Q~


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Excessive texting? Sounds like she's at it again, and this time, she's acting differently so that you will not catch on.


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

Thanks for all the advice/comments.

When the first affair happened, I had my senses buzzing that something was wrong. This time though, their not buzzing...it's either because nothing is happening or I just don't care.

Marriage counseling is not a common practice where I live (In Asia). I did find a place but she refused to go (In the first months since d-day). There was progress, and she even got pregnant. We lost the baby at 5 weeks.

Right now I feel like I'm in my own fog.


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