# Don't want him to eat a bullet.



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I could use some links and resources for easy access to give to a friend of mine.

I have been mostly avoiding infidelity threads and subjects for quite a while and I could use some resource updates.

My friend is in danger of taking himself out and needs methods to cope with a woman with her head up her butt or as we like to call it here the "fog".

I already sent him a link to the 180 that Ele has in her signature thank you Ele!

He needs to distance himself from her and get confidence in himself. She started an online affair with a stranger sometime late last year. She recently made a trip to his state under the guise of having a weekend with a Facebook group and even had my friend drop her at the airport so him and his 5 year old daughter could hug and kiss her goodbye. She was really flying out to consummate her affair.

When she got back, my friend knew something had happened and grilled her until she confessed. She is still a classic cheater who is blame shifting, gas lighting and totally in a fog.

She already has an apartment set up in her lover's town and is moving this month.

My friend needs resources to help him to not inflict more pain on himself by doing the pick me dance or other destructive choices betrayed spouses often make.

He called me last night totally melting down. That ***** has him taking the blame for her abhorrent behavior.

I've got a huge workload with studying and classes for a certification that I need to get done before June. I'm not going to turn his calls away but I could sure use some research help for resources to help my friend.

I could use Book ideas, online resources and I might direct him here but he is fragile so I don't want to risk him being harshly treated.

The easier reading, the better. He is very intelligent but so distraught that he can't see straight. He is going to lose his 5 year old daughter for primary custody because he can't care for her alone. His wayward wife can work from home but she wouldn't have a chance of keeping the girl because she is moving out of state to be with her boytoy so if my friend wanted, he has a strong case to keep her. 

He needs clarity of mind and confidence because, as many betrayed spouses here know, he is a huge mess.

Any help would be appreciated. I won't be responding a lot today because of my schedule but any help would be appreciated.

I don't want to lose another friend because his wife turned into a monster.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Whoo boy, I'm sorry your buddy is in this place.

I'd advise him to eat healthy things, avoid booze, and try to sleep to start. To call you instead of calling her - my best bud had me put a stickie note on my phone that said "call me, not her" or something. And every time I hit bottom, I'd call him - day or night, and he'd pick up. Often I'd just need 5 min or less to hear from someone that would just repeat the same things over and over again.

Does he have a lawyer? If not, maybe you could help find him one?

I had a book like this one: The Divorce Recovery Workbook: How to Heal from Anger, Hurt, and Resentment and Build the Life You Want - Kindle edition by Rye, Mark S., Moore, Crystal Dea. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com. - I'm not sure if that's exactly the right one, but the one that helped me had a step-by step guide through the process - from emotions to lawyers.

I also joined a local divorce support group. It really helped, even though everyone there was older than me. 

Any chance you can get him on here?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Found the book that helped me 20 years ago... The Divorce Recovery Workbook: How to Heal from Anger, Hurt, and Resentment and Build the Life You Want - Kindle edition by Rye, Mark S., Moore, Crystal Dea. Health, Fitness & Dieting Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

In my signature there are three good links that I tend to like to use for those new to infidelity. It's like "the important stuff" all in one spot:

The 180
Coping With Infidelity Newbies--Please read this!
Weightlifter's Evidence Gathering Post for Newbies

The first link is to help him detach. Obviously when you are married to someone, you are attached to them, and infidelity and divorce break the attachment in a violent way. Doing a 180 degree U-Turn will not manipulate anyone into coming back--but it will help the one who was betrayed to detach from the wanderer. 

The second link is kind of a culmanation of all the good advice here on TAM for newbies. The person who started it just kept adding to the good advice. 

The third link how to use technology to gather evidence. So note to self: surveillance laws differ from state to state, so not all evidence is to be used in a court of law. SOMETIMES the evidence is just for the betrayed to prove to themselves that they have been lied to and they are not crazy (in other words, to disclaim the gaslighting that a wanderer does). However, for simplicity sake, most states are either "one party" or "two party" states: so one of the parties has to give permission to be recorded in a "one party" state...two or both or all parties have to give permission to be recorded in a "two party" state. Thus, if the convo is between wanderer and Other Person...well the betrayed is not even part of that convo and will not have legal permission to record--BUT if it's only to prove the wanderer is wandering and it will never see the light of day, then prove to yourself that it's happening. If the idea is for "court of law," the BS holds the VAR in their hand, and during any convo or interaction with the WS, holds out the VAR and says out loud, "I am a party to this interaction and I give permission to record. If you speak or respond in any way, I will take that as your permission to be recorded. If you don't want to be recorded, walk away now." That meets the criteria in one and two party states. 

After my divorce, I found Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond): Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti: 9781886230699: Amazon.com: Books to be a helpful book, and I also attended Rebuilding After Divorce Seminars, which you can find a location near you here: Rebuilding.org

Finally, I have always liked @skerzoid 's post that he does For Those Who Just Found Out


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Home Page - ChumpLady.com


Chump Lady is the alter ego of blogger, cartoonist, and journalist Tracy Schorn, author of 'Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life – The Chump Lady’s Survival Guide.'




www.chumplady.com


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks guys. I'm forwarding him links.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> After my divorce, I found Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond): Bruce Fisher, Robert Alberti: 9781886230699: Amazon.com: Books to be a helpful book, and I also attended Rebuilding After Divorce Seminars, which you can find a location near you here: Rebuilding.org


I did the exact same thing, and it was extremely helpful.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

> My friend is in danger of taking himself out


Suicide hotline


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

colingrant said:


> Suicide hotline


Right now that is me and a few other friends and he is getting weakly counseling sessions.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

How about chump lady? Her angle is that cheaters are assholes not the people who get cheated on.

It might help him change his perspective.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Is he a member of a church men's group? This can be useful, just to have support and people to call when he feels weak and alone.
Tell him to join a gym and use the hurt, resentment and anger to push himself.The feel good endorphins will help his mood levels and relieve the pain and stress to a certain extent. 
He must get a good lawyer asap.
Copies of all documents from the house.
The state he lives in is it 'no-fault'?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I could use some links and resources for easy access to give to a friend of mine.


here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

*Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK 

Or 1-800-273-8255 *


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I know if you post on facebook youre going to off yourself, the cops show up to take you in for evaluation. Maybe he needs to post his intentions on facebook. Just saying.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> I know if you post on facebook youre going to off yourself, the cops show up to take you in for evaluation. Maybe he needs to post his intentions on facebook. Just saying.


He just needs help organizing his thoughts and emotions.

He could use insight into a cheaters mindset about gaslighting, blame shifting and rewriting marital history as well as the "fog" cheaters get into.

He is going to be ok if he can get a grip on what is happening to him and avoid too much unnecessary pain.

She is inflicting a lot of unnecessary pain on him by blame shifting, gaslighting and rewriting marital history.

He needs to have tools to put her in the skank box she belongs in instead of believing she is still the woman he married and that he should be listening to anything that comes out of her treacherous mouth right now.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Conan, any way you can get him to come on this site?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Conan, any way you can get him to come on this site?


I mentioned it and he has link. I'll touch base with him again about it. He could use some coaching about the cheaters script.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just got a picture from him and I hope it's good news. Me and my friends are basically a bunch of aging comic geeks and we love superhero t shirts. I gave him a Punisher shirt last Christmas and it was an XXL. It didn't fit because he had put on so much weight. He just sent a picture with a victorious hand signal wearing it and he looks pretty good. He is doing some positive work in himself and weight loss is on the menu. I believe he quit drinking too. Maybe a bright spot here.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Best thing that happened to me during my separation/divorce is my weight loss. Tell yiur friend that his physical improvement will definitely lead to a better mental and emotional state of being!


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