# This place is like a therapy for me



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Hey all,

First I wanted to thank whoever established and maintains this place, mainly those who write here and support each other. This place is like therapy for me (I should find a real one, though. I don't really have the time, money or the desire to do it all by my own) and I should pay you  If you want, post your paypal account right here.

Just kidding.

Once in a while I have to share some of my frustrations with my wife. Till few moments ago I was so upset but thinking that I can share it with others really calmed me down. I am not really looking for advice, just some words of support...

If you follow my post you should know my story by now. Married for about five years, 2 children, love them dearly, wife is not "emotionally empowered" - this is how I like to name it. I've read about something called EQ which measures the level of your emotional health. Well it is possible that my wife will fail this test.

Former nice guy, always tried to please her and do what she wanted, never knew why it just makes her more angry and even less happy, in the past few months (since discovering this forum) I am trying to become more myself, do things that I love and stop being a doormat.

It is great except when you hit a snag.

Thinking now about it, I realize that my main issue is the fact that my wife is so not in touch with her emotions, yet denies it, will never acknowledge that and rather blame things on me all the time. 

Since I am not more nice guy, I just don't let it fly anymore and making it pretty clear it has nothing to do with me. Yes, trying do to it with respect but sometimes (not so often) is loosing it.

I did see some increased attraction to me which was great, sex is better (I am not bashful to say how I feel and tell her to do the same - but she doesn't).

But hitting a snag sometimes can be so hard. And all of a sudden all of her old demons are coming straight out on me. It just gets me so upset and mad.

Okay, enough ranting for now. Give me some nice words (well I know I am a man that shouldn't need that, but man to man


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Life is never a straight line, but full of zigs and zags. No matter what you do, whether it is a career path, marriage, parenting, or even a hobby, there are always roadblocks to overcome.

It may be our entertainment culture where problems are solved in 30 minutes that makes us think all will be well with everyone riding off into the sunset.

Keep doing what you are doing, and your wife will realize that you mean it. She is testing boundaries, and you must persevere.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

joshbjoshb said:


> It is great except when you hit a snag.


The snags are there to let you gauge your own progress. They're necessary and valuable.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Keep doing what you are doing, and your wife will realize that you mean it. She is testing boundaries, and you must persevere.


I hope I am. Last night in the heat of the argument she spoke not nicely about my mother. Without blinking I said "you have to apologize". "Why should I, this is who your mother is" - I said that it doesn't matter what my mother is or not, she cannot talk like that just like I would never talk like that.

But now I am in such a bad mood. You know, bad mood can make you do stupid things. I feel like an idiot since I just watched a 30 second playboy model video, really stupid, you know all of those faces to arouse you - meanwhile all they want to arouse if your pocket. I never did it before and feel like an idiot. That's bad, no?

Sometimes I leave an argument feeling winning. Sometimes I am just tired of all of that garbage.

Thanks for your kind words, sir.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I wouldn’t look at “winning” in an argument as being the right outcome. No way, not at all. If you make it about you Winning, then your wife Loses and that’s very wrong.

The outcome of ANY disagreement/conflict/argument must be I Win/You Win and you must strive for that outcome, that you both Win. I Win/You Lose or I Lose/You Win or I Lose/You Lose outcomes are all to be avoided at all costs.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Josh,

The fact that you are angry means you still have a way to go. But, I must say much of what you write sounds very positive.

When you are firm in your own boundaries, your pulse won't even rise when she assaults your mother.

"That's unacceptable language. I do not wish to hear that about my mother. If you persist, you will be talking to yourself"

And - if she persists - make it happen.

Don't redraw the line.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Thank you gentlemen, your words were very helpful.

So last night (I knew it was coming) after we went to bed we had a conversation. It started like all conversation start with my wife, blaming me for not fixing our marriage, not caring, not being there for her etc. etc.

I didn't yell but I did explain very calmly that if she wants me to work things out I am more than happy, but she must work on herself too. I told her that while I do not expect her language and way she communicate to change overnight (she always communicate in a negative way, almost never thanking and just complaining) I do expect her to apologize at least once a day. I told her she must recognize that she had a equal share of the blame.

It went back and forth with her again trying to shift the blame on me ("you crush me... that's why I can't do anything anymore) and me telling her very clearly that she is doing the same mistake right there and then! And if she will not stop we will never get anywhere.

I will not do this road by myself, I told her. If you want me to work on issues within me, no problem. You want me to go the therapy, no big deal - but you must go too. You don't have to come with me but you must go.

Now few words about her accusations. This wife of mine is so insecure, that this is how it goes:

When she is angry, she will curse me out, claim how bad I am, say all bad things about her.

Me? Never! I am always very respectful when I talk to her.

But she is always "reading between the lines" and finding ways to get insulted. For example, if she made soup for dinner and I filled up on something else (that she made too!), its because I think she is not a good cook. If I walked home and said "oh, our boy is dirty", it means that I wanted to say "oh you are so bad at cleaning him". In other words, when you are so insecure, every comment you hear you are sure is directed at you and meant to hurt you.

On the other hand, I do view myself as a secure person, so almost any comment is not about me but rather about the "issue".

G'day all. I love you.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Josh,
> 
> The fact that you are angry means you still have a way to go. .


You are right. This is one part of the "no more nice guy" I didn't master yet - to be calm and better yet even a bit witty.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

joshbjoshb said:


> Thank you gentlemen, your words were very helpful.
> 
> So last night (I knew it was coming) after we went to bed we had a conversation. It started like all conversation start with my wife, blaming me for not fixing our marriage, not caring, not being there for her etc. etc.
> 
> ...


Just reading this stuff - not real familiar with your story - but an interesting post.

Wondering about her insecurities. If you complimented her more - on little things - wondering if it would help. Anyone - including josh - have any thoughts?

And that's good that you don't let her drag you down to her level during arguments. Yelling and cursing each other out doesn't do anyone any good.

Have you ever asked her to calmly tell her specifically what it is she'd like for you to do? I know this isn't the whole story - but all of her criticisms are very, very vague. Almost sounds more like she's just an unhappy person to me.

And totally agree with Conrad about the anger.

Good luck...


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Yes she is not the happiest person. But there is not much I can do about it. I told her last night - you are not happy because of you not because of me. She needs to choose to be happy (see another thread I opened.. you will read more about my story).

Thanks


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds to me like she has very low self-esteem. Unfortunately as far as I know there’s just about zilch he can do about it, the emphasis on being SELF-esteem.

He can bring it up a bit with appreciative acknowledgments (or words of affirmation) and kind words, but it’ll pretty soon revert to what it was before. Only his wife can lift her normal level of self-esteem and that takes her recognition that she has a problem with it and her willingness to do something about it. Unfortunately she’s much more likely to blame her low self-esteem on her husband.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Sounds to me like she has very low self-esteem. Unfortunately as far as I know there’s just about zilch he can do about it, the emphasis on being SELF-esteem.
> 
> He can bring it up a bit with appreciative acknowledgments (or words of affirmation) and kind words, but it’ll pretty soon revert to what it was before. Only his wife can lift her normal level of self-esteem and that takes her recognition that she has a problem with it and her willingness to do something about it. Unfortunately she’s much more likely to blame her low self-esteem on her husband.


Makes sense to me...


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Sounds to me like she has very low self-esteem. Unfortunately as far as I know there’s just about zilch he can do about it, the emphasis on being SELF-esteem.
> 
> He can bring it up a bit with appreciative acknowledgments (or words of affirmation) and kind words, but it’ll pretty soon revert to what it was before. Only his wife can lift her normal level of self-esteem and that takes her recognition that she has a problem with it and her willingness to do something about it. Unfortunately she’s much more likely to blame her low self-esteem on her husband.


Can't agree more.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Treat her like a kid.

Would you get angry and engage with a 5 year old in the kind of back and forth you describe with your wife? No. You would treat it kindly and with humor.

You can't build her self-esteem. But ... you can lead. And by being a good leader, you can enable circumstances where she is less prone to throwing a crisis of confidence tantrum.

She is telling you as much by blaming you for not fixing the marriage issues. You can focus on the tantrum and the nonsensical words that go with it, or remain the adult and look at what is really behind her behavior. And that appears to be pretty straightforward; she feels insecure and wants to feel secure. She needs a leader. She wants that leader to be you.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Deejo, I like most what you write but not your first 2 paragraphs! I refuse to take the stand of being the only adult in the house. i didn't marry her to be my child, I was looking for a wife and a life partner. I did realize that she is way less mature than I am, but I still believe that with some coaching she can be a bit better...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Your post just made me spend money... bah!

Oh well, I probably spend more on tips for good service anyways


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

joshbjoshb said:


> Deejo, I like most what you write but not your first 2 paragraphs! I refuse to take the stand of being the only adult in the house. i didn't marry her to be my child, I was looking for a wife and a life partner. I did realize that she is way less mature than I am, but I still believe that with some coaching she can be a bit better...


My point being, that right now, if your expectation is that she behave, and react as an adult, you are generally going to be disappointed and frustrated at this point.

Not suggesting that you treat your wife like a child, or that she gets to be one in the relationship. Suggesting that if her responses are driving you nuts, then try shifting your expectation of the response ... for now. Presuming you still want to dig this thing out.

The more out of control you feel and act, will have a direct impact on her feeling and acting out of control.

The dynamic you described smacks of a kid seeking negative attention.

And no, I wouldn't stay married to a partner that required a parent either.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

joshbjoshb said:


> Deejo, I like most what you write but not your first 2 paragraphs! I refuse to take the stand of being the only adult in the house. i didn't marry her to be my child, I was looking for a wife and a life partner. I did realize that she is way less mature than I am, but I still believe that with some coaching she can be a bit better...


I used to think that I wouldn't take a stand to be the only responsible parent in the house. But given the alternative - sink to my wife's level just to keep things fair - I decided I really didn't have much choice.

Life is isn't always fair, but its still good.

I almost did a "bowing down" smiley thing on Deejo's post - including the first 2 paragraphs - because "I" thought he absolutely nailed it. But then people would think I was just trying to seduce him...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> I almost did a "bowing down" smiley thing on Deejo's post - including the first 2 paragraphs - because "I" thought he absolutely nailed it. But then people would think I was just trying to seduce him...


:rofl:


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