# Overpossessive about my wife?



## randal1980 (Jan 22, 2013)

I am being a very jealous husband. I met my wife two years ago and we were instantly attracted. Shes really pretty and petite, and shes the first girl I have loved so much.
I have nothing to be insecure of, I have had more women in my life than I can count and my looks and my charms seemed to charm ladies always. 
But after meeting her, my life changed. I wanted her, her entire being to myself and we started dating. We are extremely serious about each other. 
Since I work a lot, she was missing me and I took two months off and we went on a cruise trip. 
That period was really intense. I have been very passionate towards my girl during the entire time and she was really h0rny with me as well. 
We kissed a lot and had sex daily. She was so affectionate. We would stay hours on the ship deck, making out and talking and joking. Many times we showered together. 
Everything was great until I sensed my over possessiveness towards her. 
There was a masquerade ball and some guy randomly got with her to dance. She wasn't willing but did a few steps as we had to switch partners, nothing wrong but I couldn't bear that sight. 
We had a huge row. Shes submissive in nature, towards me, she wont argue with me. I was too angry. 
She tried making me up, she hugged me and kissed me but I pushed her away. 
I bluntly told her that shes all mine and reminded her of all the nights we spent together. 
She spent the entire night crying. I felt bad and we made up and had sex but I really dislike her talking to men. I don't control her.
Am i being unreasonable? Look, I love her a lot and I cant loose her. Its hard for you to understand my point of view, her sight is enough to titillate any guy's sense.
I am 34 and shes 11 years younger.
Am I wrong here?


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Girls aren't like boys. We can actually be their friends without wanting to bang them. But you're a guy so you know what guys are thinking. If you hurt her a lot, she's going to wither inside and may fall out of love. Just because another guy danced with her doesn't mean she wanted to do it. She was just being polite.

My boyfriend doesn't let me talk to other guys either. I don't even care anymore, but sometimes I feel really really lonely.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

She wasn't especially keen to dance with the other guy, but did so to be polite, for a few steps. The result was that you were very angry, pushed her away when she tried to show you her love, and she spent the entire night crying.

Yes, that is being unreasonable, and over time this sort of behavior will tend to drive her away from you. It_ is_ controlling, if she can't behave normally toward other men in social situations without eliciting such a punitive reaction from you. You say you want her entire being to yourself and that she is all yours...but doesn't she also belong to herself? If so, then she has the right to talk with men in social situations, dance a few steps with them.

I get the feeling that your age difference and the fact that you spend a lot of time at work makes you feel a bit insecure about her, but it is clear from your post that she is as crazy about you as you are about her. Trust her! This will endear you to her more than being angry and rejecting will.

By the way, my husband is 10 years older than I and we have been married several decades. The age difference isn't a problem when you love each other.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Yes, you are being unreasonable and excessively jealous. 

This sort of behaviour will poison your relationship and drive her away from you if you can't get yourself under control. Lose-lose.

It's fine to be protective, and let her know that you are aware that she's very attractive, and could have other men if she wants them - but she doesn't need them because you're a) great and b) plenty of man for her.
If you're aggressive and controlling, it shows that you're insecure and makes you look pathetic, and no woman likes that for long.

As for 'can't lose her' - well, that's her choice, not yours. your trick is to make it an easy choice, in your favour. 
Right now, looks like you're pushing her into a choice the other way.

Sorry if i'm being blunt, but I want to be clear.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

kipani said:


> Girls aren't like boys. We can actually be their friends without wanting to bang them. But you're a guy so you know what guys are thinking. If you hurt her a lot, she's going to wither inside and may fall out of love. Just because another guy danced with her doesn't mean she wanted to do it. She was just being polite.
> 
> *My boyfriend doesn't let me talk to other guys either. I don't even care anymore, but sometimes I feel really really lonely*.


Why do you put up with this?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

You are punishing your wife for things she cannot control (men finding her atractive etc).

Yes you are being unreasonable.

Jealously makes you appear insecure, insecurity is not attractive.

Carry on this way and it will damage your relationship.

This is your problem, not hers. Find out what you are insecure about and fix it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

randal1980 said:


> Am I wrong here?


Yes.

Your jealousy & insecurity is hurting your wife. If you love her so much, just stop.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

randal1980 said:


> Am I wrong here?


You're insecure, more than a clear-cut "wrong". Your reaction was correct for you at the time, but it showed neediness, and that can eventually ruin your marriage.

It sounds like you're caught up in the wonderful relationship you have and as a result are oversensitive to any perceived threats to the status quo. But give your wife a break - she did nothing wrong.

My advice: Unclench, let your bird "fly" a little, and I'm sure she will come back to you every time. Smothering her is not good.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

YES you are being unreasonable. Get ahold of yourself and cut the crap.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

You will suffocate her..back off.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bonus points for knowing enough to understand that yes, you're being too possessive. Keep it up, and *you* will be the reason she leaves, not some outside threat. Wouldn't the irony in that be delicious?

Now go fix it. Don't come back here a year from now crying about how you smothered your wife and lost her. This problem is yours to fix - starting with an apology to your wife for your past behavior, a conversation about how you will try to improve and how she might have to remind you, and a realization on both of your parts that you might slip up before you succeed.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm very much the same way, only not quite as intense as you are. My wife knows I don't want her talking to other men in a social environment unless I'm present. She isn't crazy about it and we've argued about it over the years a few times but she's handled things pretty much the way I've asked her to for the 30 years that we've been together. The last "row" we had about it was 3 years ago. She hasn't left me so it can't be that bad. 

The difference between you and me seems to be the anger. Over the years I've been able to control it, you need to do the same. The anger will cause problems between you two and if you don't get it under control you might find your self getting physical (and in jail) and without a wife.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

OP, if your wife didn't want to dance with that man, why didn't you tell him no for her? I've done this 3X for my wife. We have a boundary where neither of us dances with members of the OS outside of MIL/FILs. Also, why did you put you and your wife in a position where it would be an issue? Again, to use my situation as an example, a friend of my wife didn't use my wife as a brides maid b/c she would have had to dance several times with a grooms man. 

Being possesive and jealous isn't bad in and of itself, but you took it too far by rejecting her when she tried to apologize. You both would benefit from a serious discussion about boundaries! Know exactly what is expected from the other when these kinds of situations come up (and it WILL come up again). Know exactly what the consequences are when when the "rules" are broken. Be willing to hold yourself to an even higher standard...NO EXCEPTIONS! Be on the look out for situations like the masquerade ball...if there is going to be a problem, avoid them. She knows where you stand on this now. I wouldn't go on a tirade about it again. One menacing look from you should do it...to lose your cool would make you look weak.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Latigo said:


> Again, to use my situation as an example, a friend of my wife didn't use my wife as a brides maid b/c she would have had to dance several times with a grooms man


I am shocked that there are people out there who are seriously this insecure in their relationships . . . .


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## sevenhills (Jan 25, 2013)

This is absolutely the opposite of how you should be treating her. You have to let her breathe, the confidence you show and that you trust her 'know she would never leave you' will attract her even more. This behavior will absolutely not end in your favor.

Would you want to be treated like that? I think you are the one who needs to remember the love you share!!!!

My wife is a knockout. The only way I landed her was being confident in who I was. I keep that up because its a constant reminder that I'm worth it - because I know I am. Suffocating her and being afraid that any guy can take her away from you just makes you look weak and insecure, and eventually you'll push her away.

Trust me, I've made the same mistake in the past.

I would be upset if people WERENT looking at my wife.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

yes you are overpossessive. at least you recognize that. it must have been some row for your wife to cry all day. I agree with the above - apologize to her. You are smothering her and you know what happens when you smother something. It dies.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is actually pretty simple. Do His Needs Her Needs together. Agree on boundaries that you have with the opposite sex.

You throw in the spin that she is submissive. Well fine but that does not mean she can't be a big girl and have boundaries. You should not have to step in for her unless the guy will not take no for an answer.

So if you both agree that dancing with others is not acceptable then so be it. This is not a questiopn of whether any folks on TAM think this is a good boundary or a bad boundary. It is what you two agree to. Now if you have a complete disconnect on what are appropriate boundaries then guess what? You are not compatible. Compromising fundamental boundaries is not usually a good idea. Sure compromise in a marriage is good when deciding where to go for dinner but if we are talking fundamental belief systems past a point of self reflection your boundaries are your boundaries. It is not about peoples opinions as to you being jealous, insecure and controlling. It is about what you two are happy with.

Jealousy is not good or bad on its own. It is an emotion like any other and can be helpful or hurtful to a marriage. 

Now you guys getting into an argument is not good. BUT if you have set boundaries in place this could have been avoided entirely.

Find you boundaries together as a couple and stick by them. Now if she agrees to a boundary and then is too submissive to stick with it, then you have real issues.

Good luck. This is pretty minor stuff. You can work it out.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Latigo said:


> Again, to use my situation as an example, a friend of my wife didn't use my wife as a brides maid b/c she would have had to dance several times with a grooms man.


You know, I did the same thing many years ago. My wife's sister got married and my wife and I were engaged at the time, but I wasn't in the wedding party. I went up to the groomsman that my STBWife was paired with and told him that I would come to the dance floor with his wife any time the bridal party had to dance with each other and he could dance with his wife and I would dance with mine.

He looked at me and said: "I don't know if I'm going to do that, (the Bride) isn't going to like it". 
My response was: "I'm not asking you to do this, I'm telling you to do this and you aren't going to tell (The Bride)". 

It went off as planed, no one said a word. All future weddings had my wife and I paired.



JJG said:


> I am shocked that there are people out there who are seriously this insecure in their relationships . . . .


Some of us don't want to give others the opportunity to take a shot at f**king our spouses.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Some of us don't want to give others the opportunity to take a shot at f**king our spouses.


You sound delightful.

Others of us trust our partners not to (as you say) f*** anyone who comes near enough to them . . .


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Some of us don't want to give others the opportunity to take a shot at f**king our spouses.


I hope you have a really long leash, 'cause the shots that will be made at f**king your spouse, if it happens, won't come on the dance floor of a wedding reception.

It will be the caring, consoling man she confides in at work or somewhere else about the claustrophobic marriage she's found herself in.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I agree with the others . You are too possessive and in danger of driving your wife away.

To add a thought:

You say she is submissive and won't argue you with you. That may be true now when you are just married and she is still very young. As time goes by and she gets older she is likely to grow in self-confidence and become more prepared to stand up for herself. If you have not got a mutually agreed set of boundaries in place she will quite possibly start to kick against limits you try to set if she is not really bought in to them.

Good luck


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Blind trust is some combination of naivete, laziness and ambivalence.

It is very easy just to say "trust". Trendy even. PC.

It is more proactive to actually communicate and work with your spouse to build your marriage. It takes a want to. It takes love. It probably takes experience. It takes caring enough to become a loving partnership.
So actually communicating your needs and working on real agreed upon boundaries takes an effort.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

JJG said:


> You sound delightful..


Thank you, I am delightful. My wife must think so because we've been married a lot of years. 



JJG said:


> Others of us trust our partners not to (as you say) f*** anyone who comes near enough to them . . .


I trust her, but we have strong boundaries that aren't popular with younger couples today. Maybe that's why cheating is up. No opposite sex friends, no GNO's BNO's, no association with business associates on a personal level. And we don't dance with others.

But really ... I am delightful.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Cletus said:


> I hope you have a really long leash, 'cause the shots that will be made at f**king your spouse, if it happens, won't come on the dance floor of a wedding reception.
> 
> It will be the caring, consoling man she confides in at work or somewhere else about the claustrophobic marriage she's found herself in.


I agree with you, but look at my above posting. A leash is not necessary, the boundaries are there limiting the opportunities for another guy to hit on her. Of course it could always happen and some one may have gotten to her already ( so to speak) but I doubt it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> I agree with you, but look at my above posting. A leash is not necessary, the boundaries are there limiting the opportunities for another guy to hit on her. Of course it could always happen and some one may have gotten to her already ( so to speak) but I doubt it.


Too many folks are trying to deal with the wrong risks.

So they say if someone will cheat they will cheat and that is not remotely what this is about. Indeed if someone wants to cheat they will. They need to be put out with the trash. 

The assumption is that you have two loving spouses who want to remain faithful. That is why this is not about trust. It is about boundaries and putting a marriage at risk with non marriage friendly situations. It is dealing with the shades of gray of life and the erroding of poor bpundaries. Ill defined boundaries welcome unintended damage in a marriage.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Too many folks are trying to deal with the wrong risks.


A handful of posts above you can find an account of a husband who wouldn't let his wife dance with any other man at a wedding party.

Someone that controlling of their spouse is dealing with the wrong risks indeed, in general. I'm not going to say that attitude is wrong, because they might have a like-minded spouse. Then again, they might not.


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## sevenhills (Jan 25, 2013)

I think most confident guys could handle someone else dancing with their wife...and any 'good' girl doesn't need to be told what to do. Dancing with an ex or some creep is a different story, don't get me wrong.

I was so jealous of my college girlfriend doing ANYTHING...it was ridiculous, I put that girl through hell. She didn't deserve it. She finally had the courage to leave me, and I'm sure she was so glad to get away from someone so jealous and controlling.

That taught me a lot. Those feelings of extreme jealousy were only because I was young and insecure. 

My wife now is so much more attractive and confident than any other woman I was with. People stop me on the street to tell me how beautiful she is. People stop me at clubs to tell me...people stare at her, people stare at her chest, her ex boyfriend is obsessed still after being broken up for 7 years!...you name it. All that doesn't bother me, because I am confident in ME and knowing and trusting that you are #1 will always prevail over controlling and possessing your wife. (actually i would love to kick the ex's butt)

Some girls like some possessiveness, I don't know why, so I let the jealous devil out every once in awhile just to keep the sparks cooking.

If she's giving you reasons to doubt her, by all means, give her hell. But if she's not, believe in yourself and you will be surprised how much further that will get you in your relationship, and actually in your life overall.

True inner confidence is the key to success.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Loving someone isn't about owning them or imprisoning them or forbidding them to live a normal life with human interactions. The tighter you try to tie her to your side, the more she will struggle to get away from you. 

You are killing her spirit and desire to be with you. No one wants to be married to an assh*le who makes her cry because he treats her like chattel.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

JJG said:


> I am shocked that there are people out there who are seriously this insecure in their relationships . . . .


 I get this EVERYTIME I post in one of these threads. In this context the words "sercure", "alphamale", and "controlling" are just high class manipulations. I would counter that I am very secure knowing I am married to a woman whos values match mine. And this is what we are talking about after all...a value judgement. There are no hard fast rules in the modern era. It all comes down to what someone (be they male or female) will put up with from their mate. I am not much for organized religion, but I see my wife as sacred. As such I am not going to share her mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and especially physically with ANY other man. That spectrum could rage from mundane things like dancing and gaming to the biggies like sex. It's all mine. The people who get butthurt about my posts would have you beleive that theirs is the only way. I am here to tell you that "NO", there are other ways. My way works too.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Cletus said:


> It will be the caring, consoling man she confides in at work or somewhere else about the claustrophobic marriage she's found herself in.


 The more likely scenario is that ones mate will get attached to said caring and consoling man at work because their partner at home doesn't have the guts to put an end to it. I could be wrong, but the time I've spent at the CWI forum tells me no.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Latigo said:


> As such I am not going to share her mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and especially physically with ANY other man. That spectrum could rage from mundane things like dancing and gaming to the biggies like sex. It's all mine. The people who get butthurt about my posts would have you beleive that theirs is the only way. I am here to tell you that "NO", there are other ways. My way works too.


Your way works because a) you have a like-minded spouse or b) your spouse is having an affair behind your back.

Let's be generous and assume a). Good for you. For the other 9 out of 10 women, the mongoose loses.

Any man who tells his prospective spouse that she can't go out with the ladies on GNO, dance with anyone else on the dance floor at a wedding, or have any social life outside of her marriage had better be prepared to spend a very long time looking for a mate.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> You know, I did the same thing many years ago. My wife's sister got married and my wife and I were engaged at the time, but I wasn't in the wedding party. I went up to the groomsman that my STBWife was paired with and told him that I would come to the dance floor with his wife any time the bridal party had to dance with each other and he could dance with his wife and I would dance with mine.
> 
> He looked at me and said: "I don't know if I'm going to do that, (the Bride) isn't going to like it".
> My response was: "I'm not asking you to do this, I'm telling you to do this and you aren't going to tell (The Bride)".
> ...


 THIS, THIS, and THIS again!!! Take note all of you lurkers, and young cats (and ladies) out there reading...THIS IS HOW YOU F'ING DO IT!!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

randal1980 said:


> There was a masquerade ball and some guy randomly got with her to dance. She wasn't willing but did a few steps as we had to switch partners, nothing wrong but I couldn't bear that sight.


*Unless* by masquerade ball you really mean masquerade sex party, and by saying danced a few steps you really mean was making out, then yea you are a little too possessive. Now say it's a slow dance and groping is going on. Then you would have my support but it jealously doesn't seem warrented based on the description you gave.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Your way works because a) you have a like-minded spouse


 I'll be the first to admit I got the winning lottery ticket in this respect. But, consider that a few years ago, I was getting sex once a month and b/c of my my lax attitude about my wife's FB activity, I beleive she came close to having an EA. That is until I got some testicular fortitude, read her the riot act, and set some clear boundaries. Complete 180!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> *Unless* by masquerade ball you really mean masquerade sex party, and by saying danced a few steps you really mean was making out, then yea you are a little too possessive. Now say it's a slow dance and groping is going on. Then you would have my support but it jealously doesn't seem warrented based on the description you gave.


Ah, the old "we were dancing, I slipped, and my d*ck slipped into her" excuse.

If I had a nickel every time I heard that one...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Latigo said:


> The more likely scenario is that ones mate will get attached to said caring and consoling man at work because their partner at home doesn't have the guts to put an end to it. I could be wrong, but the time I've spent at the CWI forum tells me no.


The partner at home has to know that there's something to put an end to before he can act. 

Hint: not letting her go out with her friends is not equivalent to "she's not having an affair".

I haven't seen any poster on this board say that they would let an affair continue once they knew it was happening. But I have seen plenty whose actions would precipitate one.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cletus said:


> A handful of posts above you can find an account of a husband who wouldn't let his wife dance with any other man at a wedding party.
> 
> Someone that controlling of their spouse is dealing with the wrong risks indeed, in general. I'm not going to say that attitude is wrong, because they might have a like-minded spouse. Then again, they might not.


By your definition. Neither your definition nor my definition matter beyond just stating an opinion.

The point I am making and I know you do get this point is that a couple has to agree to boundaries.

It is not up to you or I to say he is controlling if he does not want his wife dancing with other men at a wedding party. He has every right to feel any way he wants to about it. He would be very insecure if was unable to assert how he feels about it.

Just becuase you are ok with something does not mean all hsubands are. So you are just judging based on your boundaries.

This IS a boundary issue. THEY need to come to agreement on it.

If you are ok with your wife dancing with other men then cool. I hope she has fun dancing. But this is your opinion. I am not taking a side on whether this is a good boundary or not. Because all that matters is what the couple decides.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sevenhills said:


> I think most confident guys could handle someone else dancing with their wife...and any 'good' girl doesn't need to be told what to do. Dancing with an ex or some creep is a different story, don't get me wrong.


A truly secure and confident man does not ask folks on the internet if he is being controlling.

He could care less about being called jealous, insecure or controlling. He does not try to impress people with his Nice Guy attitude at how liberal and sensitve he can be. LOL. Some guys do this hoping to score points ...

No indeed he simply takes the direct approach and works this out with his partner. If he truly has a boundary against his wife dancing or doing whatever with other men he is secure enough to speak up about it and if it i important to him to not tolerate it. Hopefully he has enough beta skills to communicate this in a firm but loving manner. If he feels this is protecting his marriage then he has every right to do so.

IF she on the other just needs to dance with other men then he made a wrong choice in his marriage. They should have had these discussions before hand.

I suspect she was just too submissive to assert her boundary. One way of the other. So all they need do is agree on the boundaries. Then she can be the one to assert the boundary. IF a guy will not take know and is too psuhy he can step in.

This is simple stuff.

I do think many of these threads are contrived. Not saying this one is, but some folks just love to bash on a man for being controlling. Fun for all.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Your way works because a) you have a like-minded spouse or b) your spouse is having an affair behind your back.
> 
> Let's be generous and assume a). Good for you. For the other 9 out of 10 women, the mongoose loses.
> 
> *Any man who tells his prospective spouse that she can't go out with the ladies on GNO, dance with anyone else on the dance floor at a wedding, or have any social life outside of her marriage had better be prepared to spend a very long time looking for a mate.*


This is not in evidence in this thread. 

Where is this coming from?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Outside of the physical contact (which in an of itself is enough for me not to want my wife to dance with other men) let me put this scenario to you all. A wife dances with a man...lets say at a wedding b/c that's the scene I brought up. They both feel a chemical attraction to each other. No big deal, you meet people all of the time you are attracted to. But on the guys end it was pretty strong. He asks around at the wedding who the hottie is he just danced with. The bride or whoever tells him who she is. He may look her up on FB or get her phone#. The bride or some other friend may "friend suggest" him to her on FB. So they become FB friends...start messaging each other. Or texting each other. But they are just friends right? I mean...people are allowed to have friends...aren't they. They become attached and voila...you have an EA!!! Doesn't happen? Happens everyday. NOT ON MY WATCH I SAY! I take a more proactive approach. I could still get cheated on, but it won't be b/c I didn't take every precaution I could think of. I told my wife that she may come to me someday and say "I don't love you anymore" and ask for a divorce. What she won't say is "I have found someone else"....I'll never let another man get close enough.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

randal1980 said:


> There was a masquerade ball and some guy randomly got with her to dance. She wasn't willing but did a few steps as *we had to switch partners*, *nothing wrong* but I couldn't bear that sight.


So, you were square dancing or something and had to switch partners? 



> We had a huge row. Shes submissive in nature, towards me, *she wont argue with me.* I was too angry.
> *She tried making me up, she hugged me and kissed me but I pushed her away.*


What was there to argue about? She did nothing wrong and you know it. Why was she trying to make it up to you? Why did you pout like that? She did nothing wrong, hugged you and kissed you and you chose to push her away?



> I bluntly told her that shes all mine and reminded her of all the nights we spent together.


I'm sure she needed no reminding of the nights you had spent together. That's why she was so hurt that you treated her with such anger.



> She spent the entire night crying.


While you sat there and continued to pout and sulk and fume. So during what was supposedly a really intense loving period in your marriage, you couldn't find it in your heart to reach out to her. Even though she had done nothing wrong. What kind of love is that? Loving is about giving to each other, being each other's biggest supporter and champion. You're a team, not adversaries. Making her miserable won't make your marriage strong.



> I felt bad and we made up and had sex but I really dislike her talking to men. I don't control her.
> Am i being unreasonable? Look, I love her a lot and *I cant loose her.* Its hard for you to understand my point of view, her sight is enough to titillate any guy's sense.
> I am 34 and shes 11 years younger.
> Am I wrong here?


Then stop acting like a little boy and behave like an adult. Control your temper and practice some kindness along with your love.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

By all means lets call a guy asking for guidance an a$$hole, a little boy or whatever. The internet is a great place for us to take out our frustrations on other folks. We feel we got an unfair break somewhere in our lives. We got mistreated by someone or even a spouse so by all means lets pile onf this guy and make him pay for our own boundary issues. Our own insecurities. Our own lack of power within our own lives.

Sorry but my weakness is seeing people mistreated period. No point in beating up the OP. Just as we want him to work on his marriage issues and not beat up on his wife emotionally. I flat will not standby and watch folks take out their own issues on others. I guess that is my character flaw.

Well dude, IF your post was sincere I will leave you with engaging your marriage in a positive way and working this out with your wife. You do have an age difference. Come to grips with your own true boundaries. Ask yourself why you felt the need to ask folks on the internet if you are being controlling. Sometimes we get posters who do exactly this jusr to stir up the whole row about jealousy, insecurity and controlling behavior. Hopefully this is not your case and you were able to take something away here. The bottomline is that you do have things to sort out. But the answer is not to beat yourself up but rather to engage in your marriage in a partnership. It is counterproductive to prey on your wife's submissiveness as well. Some folks have some very personal issues and daemons about "chattel and owning people" that are flat scarry. They are unable to lift their marriage up to a real intimacy that has nothing to do with any of that. Hopefully you can do this. Marriage can be an equal partnership.

All this said, the OP has posted exactly once.

Soooooo, I think this was all about entertainment value.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The pushing her because of your jealousy is very desturbing. It is violent although mildly so. But it may esculate. Have you ever been physical with a woman before? 

I really don't think that your jealousy will go away without help. She will eventually get fed up with this. You do not want to lose someone you love so much. 

What do you think? You are here for advice because you are desturbed by your reaction and you upset your wife, Will you get the help you need?


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Latigo said:


> Outside of the physical contact (which in an of itself is enough for me not to want my wife to dance with other men) let me put this scenario to you all. A wife dances with a man...lets say at a wedding b/c that's the scene I brought up. They both feel a chemical attraction to each other. No big deal, you meet people all of the time you are attracted to. But on the guys end it was pretty strong. He asks around at the wedding who the hottie is he just danced with. The bride or whoever tells him who she is. He may look her up on FB or get her phone#. The bride or some other friend may "friend suggest" him to her on FB.


At this point a spouse that is aware of and cares about your feelings says "I'm sorry, out of respect for my husband I don't make friends on facebook." If you're comfortable with guys you both know, she might even add "with men that we don't both socialize with." Common courtesy and respect for each other's feelings is certainly something that you can both agree on.



> So they become FB friends...start messaging each other. Or texting each other. But they are just friends right? I mean...people are allowed to have friends...aren't they. They become attached and voila...you have an EA!!!


There is a big difference between a wife who does something out of respect for you and your feelings, and one who is forced to because she is controlled by your fear of what "might" happen. The former will demonstrate how much she values your marriage and your trust. The latter lives with resentment and is encouraged to do it behind your back. You only have to look at the Infidelity secion of this board to see how easy that is, and how hard it is to discover.

Assuming that your wife deserves the trust that you place in her in the first place, it's not likely she'll go any further than polite aquaintence. But, for the sake of argument assuming that they do become friends anyway, you have quite a bit of influence on whether or not they'll fall into an affair. You can, and should, know who your wife's friends are if for no other reason than to show an interest in her life. By encouraging her to be open about her friendships you create the opportunity talk to her about anything that you think may be innapropriate in their conversations. By being inflexible you force her to make all of her friends "underground". 



> I take a more proactive approach. I could still get cheated on, but it won't be b/c I didn't take every precaution I could think of. I told my wife that she may come to me someday and say "I don't love you anymore" and ask for a divorce. What she won't say is "I have found someone else"....I'll never let another man get close enough.


An affair of any sort is much less likely if you're paying attention to your wife and constantly making an effort in your marriage. That includes taking time to talk to her, asking her how she's feeling, showing her that you are interested in who she is, and showing her that you both love and trust her. There's somethingt to be said for being proactive and affair-proofing your marriage, but you have to do it in a way that encourages trust and respect. In my humble opinion, if she resents your actions you are doing the exact opposite. Only she knows if she does, and if you're wise you'll make every effort to find out. Take away any incentive to go outside of your marriage, and you stand a better chance of another man never getting close enough.

It's just my opinion, and worth the paper it's printed on, that firewalling her away from other men doesn't count as making an effort in your marriage. If you didn't marry a woman that you can trust, you have a problem. So far that's what you've told me and it would appear to be what you have shown her. In my experience, a spouse needs to feel that you trust her. If she doesn't she's may well make friends behind your back thinking, "well he doesn't trust me anyway so I might as well..."


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Latigo said:


> I told my wife that she may come to me someday and say "I don't love you anymore" and ask for a divorce. What she won't say is "I have found someone else"....I'll never let another man get close enough.


You'll never see it coming.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> By your definition. Neither your definition nor my definition matter beyond just stating an opinion.


Some women will stand for being controlled in a relationship to that extent. In the Western world, they are few and far between. To help the OP, one would do best to play the percentages. And his have him rolling snake eyes with far, far more women than not.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Cletus said:


> You'll never see it coming.


 I beg to differ. I saw problems developing from her FB activity way before she did. So much so that she's thanked me for my vigilance. And if I'm wrong about this and get messed around on anyway...hey I am willing to be carried out on my sheild. Take from that what you will.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

randal1980 said:


> I am being a very jealous husband.


Randal,

It seems to me from your post that you regret hurting your wife's feelings. Unfortunately, in the heat of the moment we're not always the husbands that we need to be. We're all fallible by human nature. 

I hope the fact that you are posting here is a sign that you are inspired to find a way to make amends and perhaps even grow as a person so that it doesn't happen again. One way to work towards that goal is to begin by asking her to forgive you. You then need to follow up by demonstrating that you are sorry that it happened. Not with candy and flowers, but by demonstrating a commitment to being a better man. 

Ask her to work on your jealousy with you. One way to help is to work on your marriage together. If you are encouraging each other to make your marriage the most that it can be, that will help you feel secure and to know without a doubt that you are the one that she married and the one that she wants to be with. Depending on how you feel about it, that might involve getting some counseling to help you manage your feelings better.

All the best to you.


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

pplwatching said:


> If you didn't marry a woman that you can trust, you have a problem. So far that's what you've told me


 No, I am telling you I do trust her because she shares the same values. I woud also argue that she has alot of freedom. Within our boundaries she pretty much does as she pleases.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

Latigo said:


> No, I am telling you I do trust her because she shares the same values. I woud also argue that she has alot of freedom. Within our boundaries she pretty much does as she pleases.


Then I apologize for misreading your posts. I must have gotten another post mixed up with something you wrote.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Blind trust is some combination of naivete, laziness and ambivalence.
> 
> It is very easy just to say "trust". Trendy even. PC.


I get thrashed at TAM for the sentiment you stated. In reality spouses have each other's backs when they understand that they are fallible. When they don't have on blinders.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Some women will stand for being controlled in a relationship to that extent. In the Western world, they are few and far between. To help the OP, one would do best to play the percentages. And his have him rolling snake eyes with far, far more women than not.


I think women want to feel protected and valued and desired so long as it doesnt' cross as controlled. Dancing has to be taken into context as some settings are more or less innocent, however slow dancing or any sexual dance with someone else isn't an option for us. Of course I follow the same boundary. 

It's important when test pop up (not necessarity sh!t test) that importance is placed accordingly. We did have opportunity to deal with (dance with the one who brought you) early on and it was a deal breaker for me and was expressed as such. She wasn't being controlled at all because it was her choice and my choice. It ended up endearing to her and she said it made her feel more special because I wasn't willing to share her. She's said on occasion that she didn't know what it felt like to be loved before me. Maybe this is part of why she feels that way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I haven't been following this thread at all.. but noticed this post so thought I would expand upon it ....



Entropy3000 said:


> This is actually pretty simple. Do *His Needs Her Needs* together. Agree on boundaries that you have with the opposite sex.





> These are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in this book >> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ....
> 
> * 10 Emotional needs:
> *
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Some women will stand for being controlled in a relationship to that extent. In the Western world, they are few and far between. To help the OP, one would do best to play the percentages. And his have him rolling snake eyes with far, far more women than not.


Well you go ahead and play the percentages and I will stick with the information provided and not assume too much.

LOL, I am quite familiar with the Western world.

The thing is a man does not need ALL the women in the Western world. If he is looking for a helathy and happy marriage he just needs to find someone loving, faithful and compatible. A good woman when treated with love and respect will screw your brains out and not look for other men.

The good news for quality Western men is that pickens are getting slim for quality Western women. There seem to be more and more guys willing to be walked on and dominated. Just don't be that guy.

Look I think you have just flat decided that this guy IS controlling. But how many guys come on here and are actually quite Beta and not controlling at all and are in fact very meek about things, feeling insecure about the jelaous feelings they naturally have. Those guys are not controlling. They just have not come to grips with what their boundaries are and lack the confidence to assert themselves in a positive way.

I am NOT in favor about anyone truly being controlling. But indeed there are marital boundaries that a couple should agree on. He can get this cleared up by doing HNHN and talking it through. If he finds she wants to dance with other men and he is against that then they may want to go their separate ways.

I am not convinced this post was anything more than to get a discussion started on this stuff. 

In no way will I condone a man mistreating or disrespecting his wife in any way.


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