# slowly loosing any physical contact with my wife....



## jamenjoker2003 (Nov 9, 2016)

1. Married for over 10 years
2. have 3 kids ages 4-8 all in school
3. Both wife and I work. 
4 Financially strapped all the time
5. physical connection has slowly starved itself to nothing.

Shes a night owl and im a morning person. I try to start up any Physical contact and its always the wrong time. feels like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me physically. If its late. its too late and it will keep her up later after im fast asleep. If its morning. I shouldn't be waking her up cause she doesn't have to get up for another 45 min.

Im lost as to what to do.

I want to make her feel special. but were soo busy all the time I don't know how when or have financial availabilities to be able to do what I want for her.

I don't know what to do to get her "horney" or even in the mood to kiss me anymore. life feels like it has taken completely over....

needed to vent and need help 
She has said the words "were just married at this point to keep our life functioning. there is no relationship anymore"


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Why are you financially strapped if you both work? My wife doesn't work and we do fine even with one kid in college.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

jamenjoker2003 said:


> 1. Married for over 10 years
> 2. have 3 kids ages 4-8 all in school
> 3. Both wife and I work.
> 4 Financially strapped all the time
> ...


Both of you are so busy, it must be exhausting at times. 
What quality time do you get to spend together? 

She doesn't seem to like sex in the morning, why not try organise a baby sitter/family or something so you can schedule sex in an afternoon or evening? 

Is the any way you guys could make cutbacks or do a budget to organise the money? 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Instead of focusing on sex, you need to work on physically connecting at other times, throughout the day. THAT is what keeps you bonded. If you only show affection when its time for sex, is she is like most women, she is going to resent that and lose desire for sex. 

Hug her before you get out of bed. Always kiss her goodbye, and make a substantial kiss, not just a quick peck. Same thing when you get home. Hold her hand in the car or when walking. Walk up behind her and put your arms around her...kiss her neck. If you are sitting next to each other, keep your hand on her knee, or hold her hand. Give her a playful smack on the butt when she walks by. Hug her at any available chance. These are the kinds of things we need so that we feel wanted and connected.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jamenjoker2003 said:


> She has said the words "were just married at this point to keep our life functioning. there is no relationship anymore"


Did she say this in anger, or is this pretty much her stance on the relationship all the time? If this is how she feels, it sounds like finding time for a date night is the least of your worries.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Did she say this in anger, or is this pretty much her stance on the relationship all the time? If this is how she feels, it sounds like finding time for a date night is the least of your worries.


I would be saying this too if I were stressed out over money, 3 kids, and the only time my husband tried to connect with me was for sex!

Counseling and dates nights need to start ASAP.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How many times a week do you ask her how HER day went? How often do you actually listen? How often do you ask her what things are bugging her? How often do you ask her what you can change to make life easier for her? 

Do you share 50% of all housework? 50% of all childcare? 50% of all shopping, buying presents, attending doctors' appointments, wiping kids' noses, etc.? Do you know what her favorite color is, football team, sport, type of book, exercise, flower? Do you know the names of her best friends and their husbands' names? 

If the answer to even half of these is no, it's a fair bet you went from enjoying pursuing and then being with your wife, and you've disconnected once all the rest happened, and she was left holding the ball. I'd say you have a VERY disconnected, disappointed, and ambivalent wife on your hands. Just as you weren't expecting married life to be different from dating life (not really, if you were honest with yourself), she wasn't expecting to be 'on the job' 20 hours a day. And then worry about money on top of it.

The fact that you're financially shaky is a big no-no for women. Did you know that one of women's most typical top 3 needs is financial security? Criticize it if you want, but it's what we do - expect our men to make a comfortable home for us so we can flourish. So I'd be spending more time figuring out how to get the finances in line than how to get her in bed.

That will follow, if you fix all the aforementioned items.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

jamenjoker2003 said:


> She has said the words "*were just married at this point to keep our life functioning. there is no relationship anymore*"


She feels the same way that you do. She is *very much aware* of the state of your marriage, your unsatisfactory marriage. 

From your initial post, *you want to do something about "this*".

_*She does not*_, right? Have you asked her how [you and her] can get your relationship back on track.

If she has no answer, *then that is the answer.* She does not care. She is in limbo. 

Are there any Red Flags in your marriage?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

She's told you there's no relationship anymore. Doesn't really give you much to work with.

I personally have no advice to give you other then accept that it's over and figure out how to move on with your life and eventually, hopefully meet a woman that can't wait until you walk in the door and who really enjoys being with you and doing all those things you did with your wife on your honeymoon when you thought it would be that way forever.

Another way to look at it is this. Your marriage has become the Titanic. It's developed a bad list to one side, most of the decks are underwater, people are fleeing for the lifeboats or have simply given up and accepted their fate. The chief engineer has said the words "She will surely flounder". 

There you are with one of those rubber patch kits and saying "Where's the best place to put this?"

Perhaps you're asking the wrong question.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oh come on. Just because the two of you are in a rut and you have been roommates doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Men always equate sex with love. Answer my questions, please.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

turnera said:


> Oh come on. Just because the two of you are in a rut


That's one heck of a rut.

More like a sink hole.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bull. It's no different from any other marriage in a rut. Too many kids to take care of, too much work, money problems, H probably pretty obvious how much and how often he's horny, so wife gets put out.

Thus my questions. IF - if - he is doing 50% of everything, then they may have a real problem. But if she's stressed about money, raising three kids, working full time, coming home and doing 75% or more of the work to keep the family running...small wonder she has to time for or interest in sex.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

turnera said:


> The fact that you're financially shaky is a big no-no for women. Did you know that one of women's most typical top 3 needs is financial security? Criticize it if you want, but it's what we do - expect our men to make a comfortable home for us so we can flourish. So I'd be spending more time figuring out how to get the finances in line than how to get her in bed.
> 
> That will follow, if you fix all the aforementioned items.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Yeah, money problems would shut me down too. OP, why are you financially strained and what have you done to address it? Do you have a plan?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

notmyrealname4 said:


> If so, if the guy is required to make everything financially peachy-keen----then it would make sense that he gets to call the shots as to how the money gets spent.


You misunderstood what I said. I said that one of a woman's top needs is financial security. Meaning, she needs to know that he will never let anything bad happen to them. She needs to know, deep down, that he puts his family first and will do whatever it takes to protect them. It has nothing to do with who earns what and who spends what.

You can find more information about this in the book His Needs Her Needs.

And fwiw, he still hasn't come back to give us any real details about what's really going on. And we need the facts kind of details, not what it feels like to him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> Oh come on. Just because the two of you are in a rut and you have been roommates doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Men always equate sex with love. Answer my questions, please.


This! T has hit the nail on the head. If my husband doesn't have his **** together and I am looking after 3 young kids, and working full time to make ends meet then sex would be the last thing on my mind. I bet she has the lions share of the work at home after she gets in too, the laundry, the cooking, the children's homework. 3 young kids are no joke and a job too. No wonder she is barely functioning.

It is good you are coming here to seek advice on how to reconnect with your wife. You can do things for her that do not involve money. Go for a walk with the kids in the evening, prepare a nice dinner one evening for her. Buy some flowers (they do not have to be the expensive ones, a single rose would be enough, etc


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## jamenjoker2003 (Nov 9, 2016)

wow. thanks for the replys. I don't get a lot of time to be online and check this so here it goes..

as far as sex itself goes, im not after that specifically. don't get me wrong that would be great. but im talking about loosing her physical contact. I know that sex will eventually come back when we get our physical relationship back and our connection back. but im just trying to get ahold of us again. not sex.

As far as who does what in the house. 

I do the Grocery shopping and she does the kids clothes etc. I get the kids going in the morning. make their lunches. make breakfast. and get her "shake" so she can get out the door. meals we fip flop on. She does the bills
I take care of the animals, cows chickens dogs cats etc.... and all outside chores. she does laundry and we do housework and I do dishes. 
I ask her all the time "what can I do to help you". what can I do to make your day better. is there anything you need me to take care of today? 

She doesn't like me asking what can I do. she wants me to know what needs to be done...
HOWEVER> I can t know whats on her mind. on her list to get those things done first...
her parents live just down the street and they watch the kids when were not able to. so asking them to watch the kids for "us time" doesn't happen very often. we live in the country, so finding a babysitter is rather hard to come by. 

I love constructive criticism so please keep the coments coming
Shoot. I love criticism period. so I can try to figure out more things I can do for her to find the woman I married. I know finances are a major. but at this point I cannot control that. I live in a rural area and jobs aren't very easy to come by. Im at the peak of my career financially.

Needing help


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're at the peak of your career and you're still having trouble, what are you planning to do about it?

As for daily activities, here's how you can fix that. Go guy a posterboard and a marker. Ask her for half an hour to sit down with you. Tell her that since she thinks you should know what to do, and you don't, you need her help brainstorming everything that goes on in the house that has to be taken care of, so you can see it all written down on paper. Just sit there and go through your day-to-day business and write down every single thing that you guys have to take care of, all the way down to tooth fairy duty. Once you're done, if you want to take it a step further, you two can take turns 'claiming' which chores you WANT to be responsible for, all the way through, until all things are accounted for. Unless she's just generally pissed off at you, she'll appreciate you taking this step. Oh, and stop asking. Women hate it when men do that. Find something that needs done, and DO it. Also, your older kids are old enough now to start helping and learning how to become self sufficient. Are they?

Which brings me to your relationship. You haven't really said...is she pissed off much of the time? Indifferent? Happy? Sad? Stressed? Disappointed? What's your sense? What words has she used specifically? 

To that end, it'll help if you educate yourself on how relationships work. The more you know, the more you'll recognize things that aren't going as they should as well as what to do about it. The first thing you should read is His Needs Her Needs. It's the primer on what a good marriage should look like. It will tell you a LOT about what you should and shouldn't be doing to keep her in love with you and wanting to be close to you. Check back after you read it.

For now, read this to understand why she's not all cuddly with you (aside from the prevailing home/money/kids/time issues dragging you down):


> While we still don't know exactly how the "falling in love" process starts between two people, it is now a fact that people in love produce a higher-than-normal level of chemicals. Some of those chemicals - called "neurotransmitters" - are dopamine, phenylethylamine and oxytocin.
> Dopamine is often called the "pleasure chemical". It is the hormone that make lovers feel an erotic high when they see each other. Being a natural endorphin, it relaxes the body and kills pain. Other symptoms of love chemistry that are related to dopamine are dilated pupils, heart racing, slight perspiration, as well as euphoria and craving. It is thanks to dopamine that people find the energy - or impulse - to meet someone in the first place. Interestingly, high levels of dopamine are present in people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. No wonder lovers are so focused on each other!
> Another chemical released by the brain in love is phenylethylamine or PEA. Sometimes referred to as the "hormone of libido", PEA is a natural endorphin that makes people feel happy and attached, and that increases sex drive. It is present in large quantities in manic people. Again, if people in love appear a bit insane to others, it may be because they are!
> Finally, oxytocin is labeled the "cuddling hormone". It is released by touch and during sexual experiences. It also decreases mental processes and impairs memory. This is why hugging and touching can help us recover from an argument. Thinking of someone we love can stimulate this hormone, as well as soft lights, heat and romantic music.
> ...


Love Chemistry

Now, you'll learn in the book HNHN that this is why you HAVE to find ways to spend time together - 10 to 15 hours a week - as a couple (without kids, chores, electronics): spending time together recreates the feeling of being in love, creates bonds, puts you on the same team.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

The advice of doing his fair share of housework is shaky at best. Not to mention the assumption that that is even the case. Typical 'must be the guys fault' mentality. How many examples do you see all over the web and on this site of men who do more and more around the house and it never leads to increased intimacy, often times it makes the situation worse because the wife implies some type of contract where this was never the intent. Make more money? - husband spends too much time working, resentment builds even more. 

Sadly, these are all just excuses from wives who are bored of their husbands. I think women such as this are flawed. You can be an adonis, you can make big bucks, you can be Mr. Dad...and often times it will not be enough to keep the interest of such a woman.

I'm sorry to say OP, but you have a very low probability of ever getting things back the way they were. Sounds like she has checked out. You can do the things others have suggested, but I'd bet the last dollar in my pocket they don't work. Let her go brother... One day she'll realize how fortunate she was to have a supportive husband who tried hard to make things work.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

KJ_Simmons said:


> The advice of doing his fair share of housework is shaky at best. Not to mention the assumption that that is even the case. Typical 'must be the guys fault' mentality. How many examples do you see all over the web and on this site of men who do more and more around the house and it never leads to increased intimacy, often times it makes the situation worse because the wife implies some type of contract where this was never the intent. Make more money? - husband spends too much time working, resentment builds even more..


Give me a friggen break.

You act as though there should be a damned reward for men doing what they SHOULD be doing. If you're *both* working 40+ hours outside the home, then it's only fair you should both be doing half the work _inside_ the home. Funny how it's just expected of the woman but looked upon as some kind of great generous gesture if a guy does any of it.

At least the OP doesn't have this typical selfish outlook.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> Oh come on. Just because the two of you are in a rut and you have been roommates doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Men always equate sex with love. Answer my questions, please.


Men equate sex with love because it is their primary need in a relationship. Read the book called " His Needs, Her Needs", a pretty widely read book. Women sometimes just do not want to understand this when they complain about men being too concerned about sex. Our brains are different and that is well documented anywhere you want to read.

There is an old saying 'Believe what they say". You need to dig a little deeper to see if her telling you the marriage is "dead" was said as a one timer or if there is anything else going on. If she feels that way, I'd check her actions because unless she is joining a convent another man may be at the root of this or contributing to this feeling.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ha. I've been recommending HNHN for the last 15 years; I think I know what's in it. Men are quite free to be concerned about sex. And women are quite free to be concerned about THEIR needs. And that's exactly the advice I've been giving for 15 years - if you want YOUR needs met, see how you are meeting your partner's. 

It's also widely accepted that sex in marriage is a very unique need, in that it's not just something women can do for their men unless they are in a decent mindset to do so; doing otherwise would be, well, being a wh*re. So it behooves men, since it IS their greatest need, to be pretty upfront with themselves as to whether they are meeting her ENs and ALSO not LBing her. Because, as I'm sure you know from reading HNHN, the two go hand in hand.

You could also read up about Walkaway Wives, since it's one of the most studied symptoms in marriage, wherein the wife asks for something, is ignored because she's meeting his needs (cos that's how women are raised) and he doesn't see a problem, and she eventually just shuts down and gives up. And most times? No other man involved.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Give me a friggen break.
> 
> You act as though there should be a damned reward for men doing what they SHOULD be doing. If you're *both* working 40+ hours outside the home, then it's only fair you should both be doing half the work _inside_ the home. Funny how it's just expected of the woman but looked upon as some kind of great generous gesture if a guy does any of it.
> 
> At least the OP doesn't have this typical selfish outlook.


A man should absolutely be helping out, pulling his weight. A marriage is a partnership. That's not in debate.

I was raising two concerns:
1) some of you assuming that he is not pulling his weight,
and, more importantly,
2) that doing more around the house will lead to the wife feeling that her needs are being met and thus respond with increased intimacy. Sounds great in theory, rarely works in practice. Example after example of guys doing more than their fair share and their wives still turn them away. In fact, one could argue that it makes the situation worse. It's never truly about "the dishes". Attraction is lost and no amount of housework or tending to her needs is going to magically restore it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jamenjoker2003 said:


> wow. thanks for the replys. I don't get a lot of time to be online and check this so here it goes..
> 
> as far as sex itself goes, im not after that specifically. don't get me wrong that would be great. but im talking about loosing her physical contact. I know that sex will eventually come back when we get our physical relationship back and our connection back. but im just trying to get ahold of us again. not sex.
> 
> ...


I think you need to lead. You need to get some books and read stuff on communication. You say you can't read her mind, well then tell her that. "Look I know you want me to just know the things that need to be done, and I am trying (make sure you are trying) but that is not how a partnership works. I am trying to protect you from exhaustion. Please help me do this. I am your partner and your team-mate tell me when you need help. Please let me take care of you." The tone of this should be entreating, not ordering. Something like that, but you better damn sure follow through if she does this. And you better pay attention and try to learn and remember the things she needs help with.

You also need to lead in your connection with her - "I am not happy that we are losing connection, I got in this marriage for us to be together. If you are not willing to work on that then something is wrong. I need you to be my team-mate and my wife on this." Again don't say this in an accusing way but in an earnest worried way. Some of this though is treating her kindly. Woman are sensitive, and they needs their husbands to be an emotional safe place for them. 

Finally you need to start trying to connect to her emotionally. This is the hardest one, mostly it is paying attention. You need to understand what pushes her buttons in a positive way. When she is down on something about herself, you need to reinforce her there. When she responds to something, you need to keep it up. For instance are there things that you used to do when you were dating? Write her a little note about how those things made you feel. Notes actually are my go to thing. Just like posted notes saying things to my wife, I leave them in her purse and around the house. "You looked really hot last night.", "I see how hard you are working for our kids, thanks for that." Stuff like that. The key is you need to reinforce that she is special and cherished by you. You are trying to tell her that you need HER, not any other woman just HER.

Also might be time to make an executive decision that you are going to do something together every week that will make you closer. Just the two you you. You get support for the kids so you can do this. Even if it is just an hour going out for ice-cream. The key is you set it up and don't tell her be a leader in your relationship.


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