# Too drastic?



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I'm thinking of leaving my husband after 3 months of knowing he went to a massage with a "happy ending" (hand job).

He has apologized, cried, going to counselling, been really good and says he went astray.

I just can't face the fact that I have a husband who did this, and probably won't ever be able to live with it in any form.


It sickens me to death, even though he's been almost the perfect husband and father for 30 years.

Is this too drastic? Am going to counselling also.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is your life so only YOU can decide if it's too drastic or not.

I think counselling is a good idea. At the end of the day it boils down to if you still want to be married to him or not.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've waited more than 3 months for a rebate from the phone company. I think you should give this more time.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Is he currently and has he always been getting sexual fulfillment in his marriage?


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

My therapist says that what we are going through after learning of our partners' infidelities is something like the grieving process. It is such a roller coaster of emotions and we are not really "ourselves," and thus it's wise to wait a year before making any major life decisions. She also reminds me that while this process is very difficult and at times can seem hopeless, separation and divorce and traumas as well and bring a whole new set of problems.

I would suggest that you continue with counseling and see where it goes. I have to say, 30 years is a long time and if those 30 years have been mostly happy then that is certainly a lot to give up for one mistake. I'm not trying to downplay what he did, don't get me wrong. There is no excuse. But it sounds like as a whole he is a great person, husband and father, and that of course he is contrite. And everyone makes mistakes.

I wish you all the best.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Yes, this is up to you and you alone.

I do see one positive thing for you to consider. At least this was a random hand job. As in....he wasn't falling in love with another woman. I have a harder time with the details of my wifes EA than the PA parts of it.

That does not make it right though. It was still very very wrong of him to do and he broke wedding vows by doing so.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

it-guy said:


> Yes, this is up to you and you alone.
> 
> I do see one positive thing for you to consider. * At least this was a random hand job. * As in....he wasn't falling in love with another woman. I have a harder time with the details of my wifes EA than the PA parts of it.
> 
> That does not make it right though. It was still very very wrong of him to do and he broke wedding vows by doing so.


It was premeditated cheating. He didn't fall into it by accident and he knows exactly where to go if he wants to get it again. He doesn't even have to put in an effort to have another woman touch him. 

I can see where you're coming from, but there are sides of her situation that can be viewed as worse than an ea/pa. 

I don't think it's too drastic, Confused55. If thinking about getting a divorce leaves you with a sense of peace (not vengeance or spite), then it's probably time. No matter what you decide, you should be honest with him about your feelings.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Before you make any kind of a decision---have him tell you the deep-down CORE WHY---he did this

He had to set it up---so he knew he was gonna do this all along

Message therapists don't JUST go around giving hand-jobs

After you get all the info, you need/want---then it is up to you, and what you can/wanna live the rest of your life with

It is not to soon, if you know what you want, or you can take as long as you need---this is your ballgame


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

WhereAmI,

I see your point. I am personally of the mindset that all affairs are premeditated. I know that will get me some flack from a lot of people here, but that is just how I see it. Yes, you get the warm and fuzzies from your affair partner, and yes you have some chemical stuff going on in your head that is working against your better judgement. But, you still have a choice. And most people have many many chances to make the correct choice and do not.

Before my wife started talking smack to this guy on FB she had a choice.

Before she changed her FB password and disabled the email notifications to hide it she had a choice.

She had a choice before switching over to texting him when it became more serious.

She had a choice before sending him nude pictures of herself.

She had a choice before taking her wedding ring off in those pictures.

She had a choice before metting him for playful PA activities three times in a park.

She had a choice before inviting him into our bed while I was out of town. At least the OM made the decision not to come to my house that day. He had a choice also, and chose to use some restraint at the last minute.

How many chances did she have to make the right choice for our marrige and our two young children?

Now I have a choice. I choose to never do this to anyone...ever...no matter how good it makes me feel. My relationship with my wife, and the lives of my children come before me. My choice to never cheat is premeditated.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

sorry for the thread hi-jack confused55

I believe you have a choice to make. And only you know what is right for you. I would rather be with the woman I love than to be without her. I know she is human like me and capable of making very selfish mistakes in life. We are all a work in progress so to speak. And I will be the first to admit that I am not perfect. I need a lot of work myself.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

He started to not be interested in me about 3 years ago, and I thought it was just his age and things were going to slow down in the bedroom then. I didn't want to ask him too much about it because I noticed he couldn't perform well and didn't want to embarass him.

He told me that's when he'd started viewing porn on a regular basis, so that was his replacement for me. 

He then got a high powered job working for a national organization and had to travel across the country a lot. A friend told him to go to this massage place (it was porn coming to life).

He went 3 times on 3 different trips over a 3 month period. This is what I'm told anyway. He set up the meetings by email, and I found one (that was my awakening moment). 


Anyway, now he has quit that job because he feels if he travels, its a trigger for him to do this again, but says he wouldn't and hasn't ever thought about it at home. This was the job of a lifetime for him, but realized he had to quit to save the marriage. He has another job, this was an extra one.

I can't get the visions out of my head of him getting this hand job and russian by a 23 yr old nude girl. He said he could touch her all over while she was doing this. (He has a 23 yr old daughter).

As for premeditating the meetings, he started thinking about going 2 months before he went. This bothers me a lot more than if he was just drunk one night, and ended up doing it.

I asked him if he ever thought about me before or after going to the massages and he said "no". Dn't understand this either.

Anyway, now we are working at things. He is off porn and says he will tell me if he has any urges to view it again, but says he hasn't since this happened. We are having "relations" very frequently now (although it's forced for me now). 

He told me that looking at porn had warped his view of women and he needed them to be 25 with big boobs and no waist to get aroused. Nice, huh?

I don't know if he's told me everything, but I hope I can build up some trust in him.

I appreciate all the helpful comments on this, and will try to stay longer and work on this as it is worth it. Although if my feelings don't change, I'll have to move ahead and out.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

The most important question is why did he feel the need to go do this. Somethings missing at home. Sorry, but it's usually where it all starts. Yes, I think you're over reacting but like others said, that's your decision. At least he didn't have intercourse with them.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Yes, what's missing at home is true.

I am 55, average to good body type, fit, some wrinkles. 
That's what's missing. He said he didn't find me attractive compared to what he could view online. The blur between porn stars and real women was his problem and he needed the stimulation of a young woman to arouse him.

That's it in a nutshell. 

I asked him if he had any other problems with me, he said no, that he loved his life with me and couldn't imagine any other.

Don't get it. Maybe if there are men out there who can address this it might be helpful, as my women friends also do not get it.

He says he's so happy with us, our kids, our travelling, our shared interests, on and on.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

This 25yo, big boob, no waist thing is his issue. That is not your fault, and not something you should feel inadaquate about in the least.

I personally think a lot of that has to do with the man, and what he wants. Some men are attracted to other men and cannot change that. Some like the type of girls that you are describing. Some like real "average" women (as I like to call them). I consider my wife to be a real "average" woman. And I think she's a hottie 

It is nice to hear that your husband is making an effort as far as avoiding the situations where he would feel tempted. But, I think your husband needs to attempt to address his unrealistic views of women and learn to appreciate the one in front of him.

I also think that your self esteem has been a victim in all this. Have you considered doing things for you...to make yourself feel good about yourself? Feeling sexy in your own skin goes a long way towards your own experiences in the bedroom. When you feel sexy, you are going to have an irresistible vibe to you that your husband would be a fool to ignore.

You may just need to enjoy sex....just simply for sex. Forget he is there for a while. When you start to enjoy it, perhaps things will all get kicked back on track.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm relating from similarities in my own relationship. One of the downfalls that led to my wife’s affair was sexual related. We have both gained weight since we were married, and have had some kids. We are not spring chickens. 
Then you have to consider that as a guy, sex is on my top 5 as far as emotional needs. It’s a stupid 10 for her…lol. I used to get discouraged and bitter over her lack of interest. It made me feel like crap. This led to a severe lack of interest for her, and because of that she was “just there” during sex. And I didn’t like it as much as I wanted to either. 
Now take us post affair… I’m hitting the gym like a mad man. I like the way I look in the mirror. She’s doing the same thing. She tells me how sexy I look and I do the same for her. Most importantly we have discussed our emotional needs. She understands that I have a much higher desire for sex. And I understand that she has a much lower desire. We now meet in the middle. And when we do have sex, it is 100 times better for the both of us.
Aside from that I also learned to recognize what she wanted in our relationship, and I make a big effort to fill all of those needs for her. It’s all a big circle. Sex is part of it…..but not all of it. You have to do all of it, and then all of it will get better.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

confused55 said:


> He started to not be interested in me about 3 years ago, and I thought it was just his age and things were going to slow down in the bedroom then. I didn't want to ask him too much about it because I noticed he couldn't perform well and didn't want to embarass him.
> 
> He told me that's when he'd started viewing porn on a regular basis, so that was his replacement for me.
> 
> ...


This is why I would be like you, and I don't think I could get over the feeling of rejection and betrayal. 

I particularly could not forgive him commodifying and using other YOUNG women like that, and thinking it was OK to objectify and them, that would sicken me. I would all ways worry what was on his mind. I just could not get past it.

Does he understand what is really wrong with what he did? I mean really really? Do you have a sense that deep down he would never do something like that again and that he *gets it* ?

I am sorry if I am not helping, I do feel very sad for you. I need to feel like I am the most attractive person to my SO and that he loves me more than anything. Your husband has shown you this isn't true for him.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Interesting story. I can't believe he quit his job. That's epic. Most WS's would not in your case. Also, he seems to have expressed remorse in a big fat way. I'm sorry, but I think you leaving this guy is too drastic. If my wife paid to be pleasured, it would have been much better than her in a hotel room with a 20 year old BOY for 3 days. Consider yourself lucky. 

Just a different point of view, no disrespect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

:iagree: with 13th, sort of.

that is, i was thinking better he got a hand job rather than something else that many other LS have had to deal with here
at TAM.
Maybe i'm becoming a little de-sensitized after reading/hearing
so much on this subject that your story doesnt score much
on the richter-scale of PA's 'round here. If so, soooorrrry.

i'd bet whats in your savings acct that yer sex life isnt so hot
anymore after 30yrs of marriage. Voila! his hand job discretion,
to be short n to the point.

dont get me wrong, i'm in no way condoning his behavior, nor
condeming u for yers or lack of (as the case may be).

Yes i'd rather have my W (only) get masterbated "off" by some chipendales dancer than blasted with an episiotomy by
Big Johnny Wad Holme-Boy in the ghetto.

are they both wrong/adultery? yeah. but i think u see the diff.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

The "Big Johnny Wad Holme-Boy in the ghetto" thing is killing me  I thought about a lot of worst case scenerio stuff before I got the details about my wifes affair....but nothing that bad


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

it-guy said:


> The "Big Johnny Wad Holme-Boy in the ghetto" thing is killing me  I thought about a lot of worst case scenerio stuff before I got the details about my wifes affair....but nothing that bad


:lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::iagree::lol::rofl::lol::rofl::lol::rofl:

i tink i c wat u meen!


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Exactly. A hand-job vs. What some betrayed's had to hear their DS's doing? Wow. However, I think what the OP is feeling is partly due to the fact that a PA (paid for or not) is a deal breaker. I think it really hit her morally as far as what she deems as something that she can live with through counseling or not. It totally sucks either way as her H went outside of their marriage to make his "porn fantasy" into a reality. I really feel for her, but I DO firmly feel that she should give him a chance to try again...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I don't see how discussing the level of his betrayal makes her situation any better. This is the worst thing to happen in her marriage. Her heart probably feels just as broken as those whose spouses have "done worse." Someone else _always_ has it worse. 

I don't see one of our members popping in to every thread pointing out that aids wasn't contracted from their cheating spouse. Perhaps everyone else should give their spouse a chance because he certainly wins "most effed up situation." 

Bottom line, if this is a deal breaker for her she certainly has every right to leave. Not giving him a chance will not make her less of a person at all.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I don't see how discussing the level of his betrayal makes her situation any better. This is the worst thing to happen in her marriage. Her heart probably feels just as broken as those whose spouses have "done worse." Someone else _always_ has it worse.
> 
> I don't see one of our members popping in to every thread pointing out that aids wasn't contracted from their cheating spouse. Perhaps everyone else should give their spouse a chance because he certainly wins "most effed up situation."
> 
> Bottom line, if this is a deal breaker for her she certainly has every right to leave. Not giving him a chance will not make her less of a person at all.


:iagree:

I agree and her situation shouldn't be dismissed because it's not "as bad" as some others.

It is terrible to her. 

To me it would be just as bad as any other PA. 

It shows me that they don't get what she is saying about the situation and do have empathy for her suffering.

He inflicted any consequences on himself.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Thanks for all the comments, I've found them very helpful.

I know this is nothing like having your husband carry on an affair under your nose or leave for another woman.

What I'm really thinking is if he can do the massage "hand job", then what else is he going to do in the future. He says "nothing", but I don't know this person anymore and we'll see what the future will bring, but I am ready for whatever now.

I'm getting myself a little more independant with bank accounts, charge cards and a bit of a life for myself outside of my marriage. It's empowering to know you can do it on your own if you're prepared.

I went to my counsellor this morning and she said it is great to be at the stage of taking your life by the reins rather than sitting and feeling like a victim.

I hope I'm past that stage for good, but it will probably creep up now and then.

Thanks again.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I really think only men could dismiss a handjob in the face of everything else he did and said. That really disturbs me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Clipclop - Thanks for those comments.

I like to hear men's point of view on this, but women think so differently.

Would you like to stay with a man who dreams of 25 yr olds with big boobs all the time and you're nothing like that. I will always have to think of this in my mind when we are out or watching TV, everywhere actually.

I know men have fantasies, but when you know what they are, and they're nothing like you. Ouch!!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Clipclop, my wife got a hand job....so to speak. That does not bother me as bad as her confiding in him.....going to him for comfort....and kissing him. 

Buts that's just me. I don't expect you to agree. Men and women think differently and that is ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

confused55 said:


> Would you like to stay with a man who dreams of 25 yr olds with big boobs all the time and you're nothing like that. I will always have to think of this in my mind when we are out or watching TV, everywhere actually.


If my H deliberately searched to fulfill a fantasy with a woman who was the polar opposite of me, I'd be devastated. Sex would likely become very difficult because I would feel like I didn't measure up. 

Choosing to stay or leave would be difficult. Having not been in your shoes, I have no idea what I'd do. You'll figure it out. Give yourself all the time you need to make this decision. It's a big one.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Confused55, I feel for you, your husband's comments were unkind and thoughtless. I certainly can't answer if you should stay with him, that is something you need to answer for yourself, but I hope you will make a decision based on solid reflection and evaluation, and not anger/hurt. 

It does sound like he is at least trying to be a better husband and is showing committment by leaving his dream job. Perhaps there is hope, his continued actions will speak volumes. I am not making excuses for his behavior as there are none.

Good luck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

To Conf55 (& not so much her ladies club members or other avatars as case may be):

glad u didnt read me/us the riot act or call out the paddy(daddy?) wagon for offerring diff opinions here. u took it 
very well. shows yer mature in yrs & in thinking. tks.

trust me, i'm pretty conservative about these matters but, in
light of what u are contemplating (divorce) i/we only wanted to
offer up another perspective or way of looking at things, thats
basically it. u dont have to agree; u r gonna do whatever the
heck u wanna do, etc etc. we aaaaaalllllll know that much (ddddddeeeeddduuuuhhhhh!!!) sheesh!

but if i recall right, this is the ONLY thing he's done this bad
in yer 30yr rel'shp? If so, then c'mmmmooonnnnn!?

yes u have legit concerns. yes u have feelings and trust 
and all that stuff that goes with it but, again, c'mmmooonn!

Heres a song from YouTube yer H shouldve included on a long
list of songs to say...., re-seranade u once again.

YouTube - Come On Eileen - Dexy's Midnight Runners (HQ Audio)

enjoy.......shalom.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

confused55 said:


> Clipclop - Thanks for those comments.
> 
> I like to hear men's point of view on this, but women think so differently.
> 
> ...


I really hope you don't feel that way. If my wife was my fantasy choice, she'd look like Mila Kunis, with big natural boobs, a bigger ass and would agree to have sex twice a day any way I want it, however, that's not reality, it's only a fantasy. I married my wife for reasons other than looks. 

My wife, for example, would like me to look like, "The Rock." Yea, aint happening, but I'm not going to think about that when we're watching one of his movies or see a similar looking person walk past my wife. Maybe that's a guy's mentality, I don't know.

I DO know that guys will likely discount the handjob, but most of us will because our wive's were the ones giving them and MUCH more. Still bad, unfaithful, ****ed up and I'd feel just as horrible, but your question was whether or not you leaving is too drastic.

Given your specific situation and taking into account your husband's actions post affair, yes, I think it's too drastic, but your feelings are what matter most. If a handjob, peck on the cheek or grabbing an ass is too much for you, by all means, divorce the guy. Just my opinion.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

13th floor - Thanks for your input from a guys point of view. 

Yes, my husband says he hasn't done anything else in our 30 yrs of marriage, but I wouldn't have found out about this if I didn't catch him. He said he would have kept on doing it and it probably would have escalated to more. He admitted that. I really may never know if he has done anything else.

Thank God I saw the email.


The thing is I think a lot of the reason my husband married me was for my looks. 30 years later and 10 lbs heavier, wrinkles, it's not the same.

I think I've always had good self-esteem about my looks and everything else, and this is the first time I've doubted myself to this level.

I'm going to work on myselfn (for me) and I think that will make me feel more empowered and get the confidence back. Then, I will look at this situation hopefully more clearly and see it for what it is, I hope.

I'm going out jogging now, (always have).

You guys are so helpful.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Confused... I hear your pain loud and clear. I don't see that just because it wasn't penetration doesn't make it any less hurtful.

Feeling less than or everything you are feeling is normal. 

If it's any consolation: my fantasy man would be Clive Owen or Keanu Reeves and my H looked NOTHING like them. LOL.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

It wasn't just what he did, it was also what he said. My feelings would be devastated, regardless of the porn excuse.

My fantasy man is my husband. Crazy, I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

confused55 said:


> 13th floor - Thanks for your input from a guys point of view.
> 
> Yes, my husband says he hasn't done anything else in our 30 yrs of marriage, but I wouldn't have found out about this if I didn't catch him. He said he would have kept on doing it and it probably would have escalated to more. He admitted that. I really may never know if he has done anything else.
> 
> ...


Thank god you saw the email, eh? Well, thank god I saw the email too, otherwise you and I would be living life as usual except you've been married for as long as I've been alive. The pain, though, is so incredibly bad. It hurts so bad.

I hear you, C55, I really hear you, but I know you want to fix this, just like I do. The problem you're having is this:

How could he, why didn't he tell me, I would have been there, we have a family, this crosses the lines of marriage, how could I ever trust him again? I feel the EXACT same way.

I promise you though, give it some time. A month or 2 from now, your mind will be put at ease so you can think clearly and only then make a decision. Your husband has taken more leaps and bounds than ANY DS I've read about on this site thus far. He sounds like a really great guy and it seems like he's trying because he DOES love you to pieces. 

Clear your head and try to get a grasp around why he did this and what you can do to fulfill this stupid manly urge he has. Listen, love me a nice set of tits and a round ass, but if I had to choose between that body and my wife's, I would, without a doubt, choose my wife. She's no model, but god damnit she's gorgeous and I'm happy with what I have. Your husband is too, he just needs to ditch the porn (building a false fantasy.)

Best of luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Okay, I don't know if this is weird or not, but I want to do it.

I really feel the need to know if my husband was telling the truth about the massages and only went 3 times. 

I'm thinking of emailing the escort to find out how many times he'd been there. I'm sure they have records.

This is kind of a test for me to regain trust in him. If the info matches up, I'll at least know I can trust, if not, then I need to watch it.

Is this crazy or what? I saw on another website, people do this for court cases, etc.

She probably won't answer me, but should I try?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He told me that looking at porn had warped his view of women and he needed them to be 25 with big boobs and no waist to get aroused. Nice, huh?

This is BS by the way.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

if i read u right 55 heres what i'd do:

i'd give him the chance to fess up with (if u havent said so already) a "u better tell me now speech cuz if i find out yer history..." speech.

if he's the real deal sorry he'll come clean with it all for fear
of losing u, as well as clearing his conscience totally.

if not, then yer later discovery puts u back in the judgement
seat again, where it seems for now, u wish to be functioning
well, on ALL cylinders that is. u can then pull the plug or carry
on the soap-opera/drama many here have done.

time, as they say....will tell.

shalom.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

cb45 -

I have asked him and he told me the story and won't talk about it again.

I don't think I have it all and feel the need to know more, for trust.

I have notified the massage person and hope she answers me, but I know that's highly unlikely.

I just want to know if this is actually a lot more than was told to me, to spare me the hurt.

Also, do you know how to check the cookies on the computer because my husband erases all history in the sidebar.

Thanks


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

google "system restore" maybe that'll help u.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Confused55, try a keylogger on your pc and let him delete away.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Why does he clear the history of he has nothing to hide? Ask him to stop doing it as a condition of trust.

A lie detector would be good, too.

But anyone that refuses to discuss it more seems guilty to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

for what it is worth...I absolutely agree that you should contact the woman with whom he had the massages for your own peace-of-mind.

Also, I agree that your reaction is FAR too drastic regarding the circumstances. Having said that, you can't help how his actions (regardless of their severity) make you feel. For you, individually, perhaps this is something you cannot "get over". 

To give you some background of where I am coming from, I am a young (30's), educated (graduate school) teacher with pretty middle-of-the-road beliefs/values. I realize that I do not fully understand the male sex drive and also do not have an issue with the enjoyment of porn. I understand not everyone feels the same..

It also appears that your husband feels significant remorse and want to do anything he possibly can to remedy the situation. THIS MEANS A LOT!! I would definitely allow yourselves a little time to work through this (while contacting the masseuse in the meantime


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

This isn't about male sexual drives. That makes it sound like he had no choice and that it is her fault for aging.

If this ever happened to me and I got the same advice, passing it off because he's a man, porn and something I didn't do for him, I would scream. Coming from so many men in particular bothers me a lot. It is _just_ a hand job. He's sorry. Doesn't unring the bell. And since he's done discussing it, how much is he really sorry? The offended spouse determines when enough talk is enough. He isn't doing everything he can to share what happened and to regain trust. This was sex with a prostitute. It wasn't just a hand job. The person is no masseuse. She is a sex worker. Let's not minimize or legitimize what she does for a living. She doesn't care that he's married. Shell perform sex acts with anyone for money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

there are so many different ways to view the same situation...it gets very confusing.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I emailed the "sex-worker" for info and no reply, surprise, surprise, so I guess I won't be able to find out anything that way.

I looked her up and she has quite the porn site as well, pictures going back to when she was 15. Poor kid.

I'm pretty sure my husband was viewing pictures of her for quite a while before seeing her. He probably had quite a fantasy built up. This disurbs me to no end.

It's very interesting to see the different views here from the male and female posters.

Men don't get what this can do to you.

clipclop - you really get where I'm at with this issue. Thanks.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its certainly up to you if you feel this is a deal breaker. For me, it's the equivalent of some man fingering my wife until orgasm.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Its certainly up to you if you feel this is a deal breaker. For me, it's the equivalent of some man fingering my wife until orgasm.


Keep in mind that she would have also felt his naked body to reach that point. She would have let you know it's because he has a very hard body and a huge ****. She'd reveal that she's been fantasizing about being with someone who fits that criteria for a while. Only then would it be equivalent to what she's gone through.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> Keep in mind that she would have also felt his naked body to reach that point. She would have let you know it's because he has a very hard body and a huge ****. She'd reveal that she's been fantasizing about being with someone who fits that criteria for a while. Only then would it be equivalent to what she's gone through.


I already read what she said. I didn't think it was worth adding because it was understood when he went to the massage parlor and the internet porn thing.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Its certainly up to you if you feel this is a deal breaker. For me, it's the equivalent of some man fingering my wife until orgasm.


Exactly. It is up to her how she feels about this. It is short of intercourse which carries the whole STDs with it.

For me if my wife did this, I would see this as cheating. This is my rational thought. No doubt I would still feel conflicted. But that said for me the marriage would have been broken. YMMV.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Too drastic?

Depends if u can live the rest of your life without peace of mind. I don't see how you can get peace of mind if he refuses to talk about it. 

For me cheating is cheating, be it a hand job or intercourse.

The thought of being single after 30 years is so scary. I know it is hard when u have loved someone your whole life. Even if you love him I bet you're not in love with him right now. Can u see yourself being in love with him again if he won't talk to you and constantly clears his history?

I commend u for not acting hastily - you have no doubt been thinking about this night and day for 3 months and put every effort into getting past it. However i wonder if it is time to give yourself a deadline for coming to a decision because if not you could be in this same position for years to come. Alternatively would it help to have a trial separation of a set period of time (maybe 3 - 12 months not less, not more) and see if you both still want to be together after that.

I feel your pain and i am sorry for your situation.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Your husband is an epic liar. The fact that he will not talk about it says everything. Keylogger, VAR, check cell phone records, etc. This didn't happen 3 times and I guarantee you it wasn't a hand job. Get tested and force him to. 
Travels for a living and maps out where the local brothel/"massage" parlour is? Yeah, this isn't his first rodeo. Protect yourself. Protect, protect, protect.

Wanted to add this level of betrayal in my opinion is WORSE than a standard affair. Being willing and ready to risk it all for sex with a possibly trafficked worker speaks volumes to me. I am so sorry you are going through this. I really am and giant hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Good point about the exploitation of people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

lordmayhem - would having someone do this to your wife be ok with you?

Therealbrighteyes - He quit the job, no more travel for him. I really don't believe he had intercourse with her because I checked her website and she doesn't do intercourse or oral. I don't know if that would make a difference to me or not at this time.

He had an STD check and it came back clear.

The "masseuse" had a condo set up in a fancy building and was an independant worker.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

She's still a prostitute and I would be surprised if she would not have intercourse for money, not that your H would admit it anyway. You see how easily men dismiss handjobs, as though they are a lesser form of cheating or sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

confused55 said:


> lordmayhem - would having someone do this to your wife be ok with you?
> 
> Therealbrighteyes - He quit the job, no more travel for him. I really don't believe he had intercourse with her because I checked her website and she doesn't do intercourse or oral. I don't know if that would make a difference to me or not at this time.
> 
> ...


My point being you caught him THIS time. Traveling in the past and what not, this isn't his first time by a long shot. I know you love him and you want to believe him. Something doesn't smell right and his refusal to discuss it any further doesn't pass the sniff test to me. 
You sound like a remarkable lady. Trust your gut. A woman's intuition is rarely wrong.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> ... Something doesn't smell right and his refusal to discuss it any further doesn't pass the sniff test to me. ...


:iagree:


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