# Anyone else hate telling people about the separation/divorce?



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I saw a long time friend of mine and my STBX this evening. Told her we were separated. She started crying and hugging me. Ugh. I get this same "OMG...the world is ending, your life must be over" type response from SO many people. Honestly, I feel like I finally got my life back so I don't want to cry about it. She literally had to sit down as her legs got all wobbly after hearing it. 

I also hate being asked "what happened?" It's really nobody's business. And I'm trying to be a good person and not out my husband when he's not ready to be outed to his children or anyone else. Ugh...I have no answer for their questions. 
Wish I could fast forward to already being divorced and the world knows about it already so it's a non issue. 

How have others handled this???


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think your situation is kind of unique.

When DOES your STBX plan to come out to his kids? Are they also your kids?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My team at work brought me donuts once the paperwork was completed. Thankfully no casseroles... 

Friends, many don't know and they find out only after asking what happened to my former partner... No social media frenzy.

The girls are in their 20s and fully on board.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think your situation is kind of unique.
> 
> When DOES your STBX plan to come out to his kids? Are they also your kids?


Yes, the kids are mine too. I have no idea when or even if he will come out to the kids. To be honest, I don't think he's fully come out to himself even. He's still in denial about who and what he is. For some reason, he has himself convinced that because he doesn't want a relationship with a man, he's straight. Of course, he has no answer when I say "straight people don't do the things you've done." It's a long list of things that I learned about him but he continues to deny it to himself and me. I have recommended counseling and I suspect he may have started it but I haven't asked him. 

I was on another support group for people in my situation but so many people there are SO angry and I can't be around that. It will do my children no good for me to be hateful to their father. In spite of what he's done to me I can't dwell on the anger, it does me no good either. So, it's not in me at all to just out him without his consent. His denial is so strong that I'd fear for his mental health if I did something like that. My kids need their Dad, no matter what he's done to me. And honestly, if you take sex out of the equation, for many years he was a good, loving husband. I know he loves me, he may even have had some attraction at some point. I recently said something about how we are not a couple anymore and he was visibly upset, almost as if I'd hurt him physically. Even now, he's done every single thing I've asked of him during this separation. I've had 2 surgeries since we separated and he was a great support during that time.

But, all that leaves me in the position where I have NO idea of what to tell people when they ask the tough questions. "We grew apart" just doesn't seem to work with people...they want me to go to counseling and on more dates and fall back in love, blah, blah, blah. I buried all this stuff years ago and I don't have it in me to bury it again, I just don't.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Nobody has asked me questions when I say my ex and I divorced, and it has come up a lot at work because I changed my name.

I make sure to tell people that it's all good because they don't know how to react, and when they see I'm fine they relax.

I think in your case I'd just tell people that your ex has his own issues to work through and leave it at that. They don't need to know any more.

In my case those really close to me know what happened. With acquaintances I just tell then that we were fundamentally incompatible. 

It happens.

Your ex may never fully come to terms with who he is, but that isn't your problem anyone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Yes, the kids are mine too. I have no idea when or even if he will come out to the kids. To be honest, I don't think he's fully come out to himself even. He's still in denial about who and what he is. For some reason, he has himself convinced that because he doesn't want a relationship with a man, he's straight. Of course, he has no answer when I say "straight people don't do the things you've done." It's a long list of things that I learned about him but he continues to deny it to himself and me. I have recommended counseling and I suspect he may have started it but I haven't asked him.
> 
> I was on another support group for people in my situation but so many people there are SO angry and I can't be around that. It will do my children no good for me to be hateful to their father. In spite of what he's done to me I can't dwell on the anger, it does me no good either. So, it's not in me at all to just out him without his consent. His denial is so strong that I'd fear for his mental health if I did something like that. My kids need their Dad, no matter what he's done to me. And honestly, if you take sex out of the equation, for many years he was a good, loving husband. I know he loves me, he may even have had some attraction at some point. I recently said something about how we are not a couple anymore and he was visibly upset, almost as if I'd hurt him physically. Even now, he's done every single thing I've asked of him during this separation. I've had 2 surgeries since we separated and he was a great support during that time.
> 
> But, all that leaves me in the position where I have NO idea of what to tell people when they ask the tough questions. "We grew apart" just doesn't seem to work with people...they want me to go to counseling and on more dates and fall back in love, blah, blah, blah. I buried all this stuff years ago and I don't have it in me to bury it again, I just don't.



That's pretty nervy of people.....they don't live your life.

I think my response to someone rude enough to push counseling and dates would be "that's not going to happen".

Rinse and repeat.....shut that **** down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married a long time and discovered that friends/family were highly invested in my marriage. I got a lot of pressure to stay. My response was to firmly shut that down. 

No one has the right, out of concern or whatever, to question your decision in any way. Their part in this is to tell you they're sorry to hear that and then stop talking. If they go beyond that, don't feel bad about shutting them down.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nobody has asked me questions when I say my ex and I divorced, and it has come up a lot at work because I changed my name.
> 
> I am really looking forward to having my own name back. My maiden name is just way better...not too common and very regal sounding. I'm not looking forward to dealing with the change professionally. As a nurse my name gets used a lot on charts, etc and constantly having to remind people it's changed will not be fun. But it will be worth it!!!
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Since this is bothering to you, I have a couple of suggestions. I use these type of answers constantly, because I have no tolerance for rude, nosy people. If they are not close enough friends that you picked up the phone to immediately tell them when you made the decision to get divorced, let them find out through the rumor mill. You are not required to disclose that you are separated or divorcing to every friend you run into.

If they say, “How’s Bill and the kids?” Say, “Everybody is enjoying the change in weather/season. How’s your family been?” This get the conversation back onto them, and most people blab on and on about themselves.

Then when you see someone who has heard, and they say the inappropriate “What happened?!” Say, “Since Bill isn’t here, I don’t feel comfortable going into specifics.” If they are super plus size morons and continue to push, then say, “Please feel free to call Bill”, which they will never do.

These are answers you can use forever, or until you are ready to say more.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I didn't really say much about my separation and divorce period of course my family and close friends knew, but I didn't make any kind of public announcment or or do anything on social media. My ex made a post on Facebook letting his friends know that we were divorcing. This of course prompted many of them to privately message them and ask him what was going on. He conveniently spun the story of course. I eventually unfriended pretty much everyone that we were both friends with because of the little laugh emoji is and snarky comments they would make on my page, especially if I posted a Bible verse or anything. Apparently Jesus didn't love me anymore once I decided to separate from my husband who violated 1st Corinthians 7 cama couldn't keep a job, and basically ignored me.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I didn't really say much about my separation and divorce period of course my family and close friends knew, but I didn't make any kind of public announcment or or do anything on social media. My ex made a post on Facebook letting his friends know that we were divorcing. This of course prompted many of them to privately message them and ask him what was going on. He conveniently spun the story of course. I eventually unfriended pretty much everyone that we were both friends with because of the little laugh emoji is and snarky comments they would make on my page, especially if I posted a Bible verse or anything. Apparently Jesus didn't love me anymore once I decided to separate from my husband who violated 1st Corinthians 7 cama couldn't keep a job, and basically ignored me.


I guess they weren't truly your friends then were they? If they had been, they'd have known it wasn't your fault. I'd consider them no big loss.

Our closest friends both knew it was coming. Asked once what happened and moved right on when I avoided the question. They've been supportive in a sense, but I never really see them anymore whereas they invite my husband over a lot. I guess he's getting them in the divorce LOL I'll miss them but I'm not about to compete for anybody. 

I think I just need to find some new friends that have nothing to do with my STBX and start over. Where does one find a new friend group though? I looked at meetup.com but didn't find any groups that called out to me.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Well no....
Since everyone in my life has been telling me to file for D for decades. (except my priest)
And nearly everyone here, who finally came around to believe my story, did as well.

I did have reservations about telling my GF because now she wants to get married.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I will say this… once the dust said old, I cannot tell you how many of my friends and family confided in me that they were relieved when they heard I had filed for divorce. One of my best friends even came to me crying telling me she was so sorry she didn't say something before my wedding. She had very serious concerns about my ex's orientation, but she had no real proof, and she didn't want to mess up my life without real proof. Even my parents, who are pretty strict and know all of both of our flaws Khama told me they were glad I finally pulled the trigger. And I assure you my parents have never had any trouble telling me when they thought I was doing something wrong or making the wrong decision lol


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You might want to examine the nature of your friendships. I find it unusual that casual friends would be so quick to pry into your business and offer such unsolicited advice. 

What is your normal dynamic like with these people? Have you shared the details of your marriage with them in the past? Are you a person who often seems to be in need of help?

Friendships require an investment on both sides . Once a real friend is invested in your and your life, it would be unrealistic to expect them to just blow off unexpected news of separation. It's OK to respond that you would rather not talk about the situation, but it's actually healthy and good for friends to be concerned about you and want to help. I'd say your welfare is a friend's business.

If these are merely acquaintances, the problem is in your response. Why even reveal such details about your life? A simple, "he's just fine," will more than suffice.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I will say this… once the dust said old, I cannot tell you how many of my friends and family confided in me that they were relieved when they heard I had filed for divorce. One of my best friends even came to me crying telling me she was so sorry she didn't say something before my wedding. She had very serious concerns about my ex's orientation, but she had no real proof, and she didn't want to mess up my life without real proof. Even my parents, who are pretty strict and know all of both of our flaws Khama told me they were glad I finally pulled the trigger. And I assure you my parents have never had any trouble telling me when they thought I was doing something wrong or making the wrong decision lol


I don't know you're story having just arrived at TAM a few months ago. By orientation, do you mean you were once in the same boat as me? If so, it's interesting to hear that other people suspected but didn't tell you. The only person in my life I've told is my sister and she told me she had a slight suspicion but left it alone when he seemed to fall so hard for me and when a cousin who is gay told her he did not see any signs of it. 

In any case, I'd say it would be pretty hard to tell someone you suspect their partner was gay without any definitive proof. It's a tough spot to be in I'm sure.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

zookeeper said:


> You might want to examine the nature of your friendships. I find it unusual that casual friends would be so quick to pry into your business and offer such unsolicited advice.
> 
> What is your normal dynamic like with these people? Have you shared the details of your marriage with them in the past? Are you a person who often seems to be in need of help?
> 
> ...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

notmyjamie said:


> I don't know you're story having just arrived at TAM a few months ago. By orientation, do you mean you were once in the same boat as me? If so, it's interesting to hear that other people suspected but didn't tell you. The only person in my life I've told is my sister and she told me she had a slight suspicion but left it alone when he seemed to fall so hard for me and when a cousin who is gay told her he did not see any signs of it.
> 
> In any case, I'd say it would be pretty hard to tell someone you suspect their partner was gay without any definitive proof. It's a tough spot to be in I'm sure.


My ex is either gay, asexual, or he has a rare condition I cannot remember the name of. He will never come out though, not even to himself. There were some things I should have seen as red flags, but I dismissed them. They were easily mistakable for "purity" and "discipleship" in my little world at the time.

The good news is that thanks to my first marriage, however unhappy, I have these two amazing kids who are awesome.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> My ex is either gay, asexual, or he has a rare condition I cannot remember the name of. He will never come out though, not even to himself. There were some things I should have seen as red flags, but I dismissed them. They were easily mistakable for "purity" and "discipleship" in my little world at the time.
> 
> The good news is that thanks to my first marriage, however unhappy, I have these two amazing kids who are awesome.


At least I know I'm not alone. I feel the same as you. My sister asked me if I could go back in time and not marry him would I and the answer is a definitive NO. I have 3 amazing children and I'm very blessed to have them. And much of my marriage was very good for many years. I even had a pretty good sex life for the first half of our relationship which is why the whole thing was so shocking to me when I found his account trolling for sex with men. My mistake was staying for another 13 years after that discovery. Live and learn as they say.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> My ex is either gay, asexual, or he has a rare condition I cannot remember the name of.



Cunnilingus Refusius? It can be a serious, debilitating condition to live with. Almost as bad as ‘Blowjobus Rejectus’. They both suck.



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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

InMyPrime said:


> Cunnilingus Refusius? It can be a serious, debilitating condition to live with. Almost as bad as ‘Blowjobus Rejectus’. They both suck.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You weirdo

Actually, when I was searching for answers, I cam across a hormone/endocrine type disorder where a man is physically "feminized." He has very little muscle mass, he is "soft," he has almost no body hair, he has "moobs" but not from fat - they are actually more like a woman's (my ex's were almost non existent until he gained a lot of weight. They can even be more "shaped" like a woman - narrower shoulders, bigger booty, etc. The only issue was that these men also tend to have low to no sperm count, and both times I got pregnant it was within a month or so of stopping birth control. But they have virtually no libido. So it was a possibility.

Most likely, he is low libido with gay tendencies (some of his weirdly close friendships denote this), along with having a strangely practical and platonic model of marriage growing up with his parents.

Sorry, threadjack over.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> You weirdo
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Moobs...I need to look that up. 
Could he at least take some of pressure off and share responsibilities with nursing the babies?
This had got to be good for something...
Sounds like it wasn’t fun, in the past.



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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So casual acquaintences should NOT be asking you WHY, nor should they say a single word about how you need to fix it! When someone reacts the way you described the one friend (breaking down... really??) tell them, no no no, no tears! I am in a good place with everything! For those casual folks who ask WHY, just tell them that he has issues that you can no longer deal with together and leave it at that. They dont need details and you dont need to take on any of the blame. If they push, let them know that any further details are none of their business. Pisses me off that people think they can butt in like that. For those that try and push you to work on it, by all means feel free to unload on them for being so damn out of line.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ahh I absolutely hated this part. I hated peoples pity Bc it made me more depressed. I always responded by yea I know it’s sad, but trust me it’s for the best (even though I didn’t think so). Also when ask what happened... my response is always we both just changed into different people and we’re no longer happy together.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I hardly told anyone why my marriage ended and they didn't pry. Even now very few people know.


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