# Method of controlling?



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

My H has always been controlling in a way, but his method is somewhat underhanded. Just want your opinions if this is a control method or am I seeing it wrong...

My H constantly reminds me and my son about things that we either don't need reminded of or haven't had a chance to forget or mess up yet. For example: today we all went out to dinner and I drove us in my car. As I started going down our driveway (which is long and partially snow covered right now), he said "sweetheart the driveway is over HERE (pointing to the passenger side where he was sitting) You're going to go off the driveway and over the cliff where you're driving" (The "cliff" is a ravine that starts about 50 feet from our driveway and I would have to drive through 20 feet of woods first to go over the edge.) I calmly said "I know where the driveway is." To which he said "ok, so you purposely drove off the driveway then?" I didn't answer. 

My son wanted to try some candy we bought the other day. They're kind of like those little red-hots. My H said "make sure you you don't bite on them; you have to suck on them for a while. They're really hard and you could break your teeth." So this warning was ok, since I actually did try to bite them at first thinking they were soft. This evening my son said something about how he really likes those and has "claimed" the bag of them as his. I just chuckled a little...my H said "Do you suck on them?" My son looked at him blankly and said "that's a weird question." My H said "well you know you could break your teeth on them if you bite them". Now mind you...our son is 15 years old. I think he knows how to eat candy. 

It's petty crap like this that go on constantly and exasperate my son and I. It makes both of us feel like he thinks we're stupid. When we act exasperated, my H thinks we are just being stubborn and won't listen to him. 

Is this kind of constant reminding a form of control? Manipulation? WTF is this about??


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I am a person who used to be extremely sensitive to the idea of being controlled, and if you'd asked me then whether these were examples of controlling behavior, I'd have loudly said, "YEAH! That jerk!" or something similar. 

Today, the same events no longer bring out that kind of reaction in me. They're controlling only to the degree that I let them influence me. In your first example, I'd probably still feel a little annoyed, particularly at his last comment. (That would be a bigger issue for me than his "instructions.") Today, I'd find fun in it and say something flippant back, like, "As a matter of fact, I'm testing my telekinetic powers today. By my estimates, the driveway is right under our wheels now if it moved the way it was supposed to." 

On the other example, well... You're older than 15 and probably know how to eat candy too, but found his suggestion helpful. 

These kinds of things look less like control to me today and more like a guy trying to protect/provide for his loved ones. I like the results I have seen from shifting my perceptions.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I hear you...but back on the candy thing: my H had already told my son once about not to bite them do he didn't break his teeth. A fine warning, no complaining about that. My point was, after my son had already been told that and had been eating them over the past few days, then commented how much he liked them, my H asked "do you suck on them?" as though he needed reminded about how to eat them. It sounds stupid to type out, but it's like my H doesn't trust us to have any sort of good judgement so he has to constantly warn or remind us of things like that. Yes...I could do as you said and change my reaction to it, and a lot of times I do just because its so silly what he's trying to tell me I have to make light of it. But the fact remains, regardless of my response to him, he does this kind of stuff constantly, and joking or not, it still makes me feel like he thinks we're incompetent when we are quite capable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When you're unhappily married EVERYTHING that person does will drive you crazy. The way they eat will sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to you.

If you're in love and happy you will take the comments as acts of love and concern. You'll thank the other person for their helpfulness, you won't roll your eyes or get exasperated.

It truly is all about perception.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Have you.....dun dun dunnnnnn....... talked about it?

Why don't you ask him? And then let him know it bugs you? How does he respond to that?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I've found that by not letting her little stuff bother me us much as it used to, it has helped me not piss her off as much. I could be overly critical, probably controlling too.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I find I have NO control over another's behavior only my response to it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Being that I'm married to a man that will when I say I think my air conditioning in my car is not running properly the car isn't cooling down will ask me "did you turn it on right " and also inform me " ya know it takes about 5 or 10 minutes depending on how hot it is for it to start to cool down"..when #1 I have driven the car for 2 years never complained about the air condition. #2 I have lived in Texas (the heat in the summer sometimes 115 degrees) for over 30 years and I have driven in Texas for 27 years I'm fully aware the car doesn't go from 160 degrees to 75 degrees the minute you turn it on...I understand your frustration..Just yesterday I was needing to unskrew the cover off the bottom of a toy that needed new batteries as I was walking past him with it upside down determining what type of screw driver I needed walking towards the garage he said "its a phillips".Again Im a 45 yo woman sure some women dont know the difference between a phillips head and a flat ..but he has to know I do and i don't"need his help with that"..And that I have "figured out" how to turn on the car air conditioning and that I'm also aware it doesn't cool down the car in a few seconds.

Sure it sounds "petty" but when this is the theme and the examples are in the 1000,s YES you start to wonder if they think you're and idiot and it definately feels insulting or at the vary least it grinds on your nerves.

And yes in my case I believe its controlling because my husband demonstrates a controlling nature in other ways.But mainly because he knows this aggravates me and continues to do it its more like a passive aggressive thing to me now.It also does though make you "hyper sensitive " after being treated like a 3 yo routinely to be receptive to any suggestions that you might otherwise appreciate or are actually helpful.I got to the point even if I though I would like his help on something I resented having to ask him and or avoided it.

You can calmly say I know that already but thanks anyway.You can come back as suggested before with a "funny" remark (when I do that though my husband usually responds " smart ass" and he doesn't mean that in a good way like I made him laugh)you can also just start doing the same thing to him since they see no issue with it they should not be bothered by it right?And you are only "trying to help" ...

If you are going to your favorite resturant(that you have been to many times) as you get closer say "its to the left past this next street"..If you see a stop sign ahead say "be sure to stop up here there is a stop sign"...if they are going somewhere and its cold outside wait til you see them headed towards the coat closet and say "wear your coat its cold outside" if they cook a roast(if your husband is the domestic type ) say you need to use carving knife to cut that not a butter knife".If they are going to light the grill or fire place stand behind them and say "you need to make sure to stay back about a foot or so the gas when it ignites will go "poof" and you don't want to singe your eyebrows "etc...that is just more fun to me .WHEN he gets aggravated which he will because this is aggravating "say gosh your too sensitive"(invalidating his feelings and blaming him for feeling that way " then follow with seesh I was only trying to help)

Oh and yes he does this to the kids too.That's how I understand that its not just a matter of being too sensitive.One of my sons as an ADULT of about 20 one time just broke down..in tears and told my husband that he treats him like he's and idiot and he cant seem to do anything right.I was not about the tell my son who has developed his feelings independently of mine and in a separate relationship dynamic (father son) that he "shouldn't feel that way " that he "must be too sensitive" in fact my son's resulting feelings over the same type of thing VALIDATED my feelings.

Is your husband by chance in an occupation where he is the boss or the expert in the field?


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Hmmmmmm.... I dont see it as controlling. I see it as very passive aggressive. I see it as belittling. I see it as a person who thinks they are smarter than anyone around them.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I am a person who used to be extremely sensitive to the idea of being controlled,


No one that I know likes the idea of someone else controlling them.But there is a big difference in being "extremely sensitive " to the "idea" of being controlled and living with someone with a controlling nature who is constantly acting controlling or making controlling statements.

Think about how some moms are (or dads) that tell you things you already know or remind you about things you already know.It drives you nuts..Of course they are doing it because especially as you are growing more and more independent of them parents are nervous about LOSING the control they once had to protect and shelter you.But that's your mom or dad..And eventually you leave and they hopefully eventually relax and stop feeling the need.Actually they don't have the opportunity because you don't live with them anymore so even if they still act that way you don't have to LIVE with it day in and day out..But I'm sorry that is not a healthy attitude for one adult to have towards another adult when its your spouse.

And I mean things like "dont forget to use fabric softner" when you are doing laundrey even though you have been doing laundrey for 20 years and have never or lets say have a "habit' of forgetting to use fabric softner.I mean where do we draw the line I guess its up to the individual but where you say "its up to you how you react" rather than the other person needs to adjust their behavior or attitude?Does the spouse need to every night remind the other one "don't forget to brush your teeth" before they are the ones causing a real issue and its not the other one needs to just get over it and change their reaction or how they feel about that?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> Hmmmmmm.... I dont see it as controlling. I see it as very passive aggressive. I see it as belittling. I see it as a person who thinks they are smarter than anyone around them.


I agree but a lot of people with control issues will also tend to be passive agressive I think they kind of go hand in hand.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Twofaces said:


> Hmmmmmm.... I dont see it as controlling. I see it as very passive aggressive. I see it as belittling. I see it as a person who thinks they are smarter than anyone around them.


I see it as a person that wants everyone around him to think he is smarter than them but really isn't.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

It could also be out of insecurity.They need to "pretend" that without them you would not know what to do about anything in life and quickly perish.Like "but for me you would have crashed into that ravine and porbably died "..but for me and my warning son you would have cracked your tooth open".I saved the day I'm a hero LOOK at ME !


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I guess what i see mostly is the belittling. In effect, he is saying " sheesh, your too dumb to do even that"' etc etc.

Its usually because they are very insecure, something is broken in them and they have to put others down. 

I really wonder, are you and your son the only ones he does this too?

Oftentimes men will only do this to their wife as they are so cowardly they would never do it to another man.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It means he's got low self esteem. The only way he feels good about himself is by being a know it all. But really all it does is make him look stupid. Like he really needs to tell someone how to eat candy. LOL


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> It's petty crap like this that go on constantly and exasperate my son and I.


Its petty yes..IF it was an occassional thing.The constantly thing makes it far from petty because put all together its turns into a mountain to try and climb.Its like Chineses water torture you dont go insane over the first few drops.But before its over one drop no bigger than the first makes you scream STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I'm a natural born smart-a$$ so I would look for an opportunity to point out something really an idiot would know to him. Like, "Be sure to take the wrapper off that gum before chewing it." or, "Did you open the door to the gas tank before pumping the gas?"


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I'm a natural born smart-a$$ so I would look for an opportunity to point out something really an idiot would know to him. Like, "Be sure to take the wrapper off that gum before chewing it." or, "Did you open the door to the gas tank before pumping the gas?"


That was my idea first..


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> That was my idea first..


LOL

Sorry...shoulda read the rest of the replies.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Did you remember to put clean underwear on?Do you need me to help you tie your shoes? Oh here I printed out directions to your work on map quest just to make sure you don't get lost .Just yell for me if you need me to help wipe your butt.I wrote your name and your address and phone # inside you coat jacket so in case you get lost you can tell Mr>Police man where you live.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

DayDream said:


> LOL
> 
> Sorry...shoulda read the rest of the replies.


From one smart ass to another..(hats off!)


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> When you're unhappily married EVERYTHING that person does will drive you crazy. The way they eat will sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to you.


This is true.But what the OP is talking about IMHO can CAUSE the marriage to be unhappy.This doesn't sound like her marriage is unhappy so his mere prescence or the sound of his feet walking across carpet is grinding on her nerves.Its more like what he is doing is WRONG and its grinding on her nerves.Besides that why is the 15 yo also exasperated over it?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

OP, it sounds like low self esteem and/or passive aggression. If he feels disrespected/marginalized by you or your son I'd go with the passive aggression route. It would be his way of returning the disrespect.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Pardon me for butting in. I think it is really wrong to treat your SO this way. No one should be belittled. It is, at the least, rude to insinuate you don't know how to drive. On the other hand, it seems there is something really wrong with communication.
> 
> Here I go, maybe stating the obvious. Why not get into some counselling and figure out how to fix the relationship before it gets to the point where it cannot be fixed? Maybe it is there already. This is a rhetorical question.
> 
> Good luck to you, op. No one should be talked to this way.


I agree..the problem is people like described in the OP have almost like "blinders" on to their motives.They are hard pressed to admit it should even bother you let alone its wrong behavior.Or their behavior stems from any kind of issue they have within themselves.They are most likely to say what some of the other posters have said that she is too sensitive and "lets little things bother her" and she shouldn't "let that bother her" wouldn't "bother them" as well as they are only trying to be "helpful".

Its an inability to admit they are wrong.As well as a disabled ability to empathise.Its hard for an extremely insecure person to admit they are wrong.Its gotta be somebody else's defect if they "take them the wrong way".Also if they dont have that outlet (pretending they know more and everyone needs them to tell them how to do things) then where or what are they going to do to cover up there insecurities or to try and gain some security?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> OP, it sounds like low self esteem and/or passive aggression. If he feels disrespected/marginalized by you or your son I'd go with the passive aggression route. It would be his way of returning the disrespect.


He could also have entered the marriage already with low self esteem and feeling marginalized and its not the fault of his wife and child he acts like this.Not to mention its hard to have respect or keep respecting someone who treats you like you are an idiot(marginalizes you ) and who doesn't care how you feel when they do it.(or blames you for feeling that way and calls it "wrong" to feel it).


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> OP, it sounds like low self esteem and/or passive aggression.


Also someone with a low self esteem is usually passive aggressive.The low self esteem is WHY they are passive aggressive.Confidant self assured people normally aren't passive aggressive.They don't need to covertly cut other people down in an attempt to feel better about themselves.Thats why it doesnt make sense that you are saying its "passive aggressive " "if" he feels marginalized or disrespected by her and his son.To say that you would have to say she and his son caused him to have a low self esteem.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> How would it be taken if he said, "Honey, I am frightened that you will slide off the road. It is really bothering me." ?


There is nothing wrong with that at all.I'm often "frightened" something bad might happen to my husband or child or family member or friend especially driving in bad weather..That's quite different than telling someone how to do something specifically they already know how to do or reminding them to do something they already know to do and have given no indication they don't do it. Continuosly and over "no brainers".

What your talking about is just letting your spouse know you care and don't want something bad to happen to them.In that case they would reasure you "I will be careful"..You aren't telling them HOW to drive..

The OP husband was telling her WHERE the driveway was.Like she didn't know that.And the 15 year old HOW to eat candy so as not to break his teeth.(and more than once ).


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Also if my husband told me that ?(I worry you will slide off the road)I would empathise and say I worry about the same thing too its no fun so lets both promise to take the best care and precautions.The rest we have no control over...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Waking Up to Life,

Out of curiousity does you husband ever tell you what you think or what you feel ?Like he even knows that better than you do?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yes, it can get irritating! I think we get more sensitized to it as time passes and the examples are "in the thousands" as dallasapple said. Of course, there's also a high likelihood that we do things that are just as irritating to others and are just as automatic. It's not that we're trying to irritate anyone - it's just the way we are.

If we can shift our perceptions where we literally do not SEE it as controlling, though, it can become much easier to deal with it. It's not easy to do this, though, because it means unlearning what we "know" to be true. (Have you ever tried unlearning how to tie a shoelace?) It requires replacing our beliefs with another set of beliefs completely.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Yes, it can get irritating! I think we get more sensitized to it as time passes and the examples are "in the thousands" as dallasapple said. Of course, there's also a high likelihood that we do things that are just as irritating to others and are just as automatic. It's not that we're trying to irritate anyone - it's just the way we are.


I agree but when the "family" wife or husband and children are all telling the same person its not just irritating but hurting and they dismiss that as "your sensitivity" and continue it its not just other people not "adjusting" ..Saying you do irritating things "too" also is a cop out .as everybody as you said most likely does..Its a chronic thing that goes beyond irritating and if spouse and children are hurt time to point at them not the ones hurt..And "just the way you " are is uncaring as an excuse when you are causing others to suffer.

In fact I've become "desensitized" over it by withdrawing and not caring what he thinks..(in order to not feel so insulted) not "over sensitized"(went through that stage already) So we are divided..I'm human and anyone after a while would deal that way..Its not good when in order to deal with your husband or wife or kids to deal with their mom or dad "just the way they are " is you have to not care what they think or say..Saying you have irrating traits too doesn't make it better..


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

COguy said:


> Have you.....dun dun dunnnnnn....... talked about it?
> 
> Why don't you ask him? And then let him know it bugs you? How does he respond to that?


Haha COGuy! This literally made me LOL! I instantly heard the sound of the dramatic "dun dun dunnnnnn" in my head when I read that. 

Yes, I have talked to him about it. He's masterfully passive agressive when I try to tell him things like this bug me. He'll start doing the hurt puppy act and then say things like "I'm sorry you get mad at me when I'm trying to help you..." Note: he doesn't say he's sorry he upset me; he's sorry I got mad at his noble attempts to merely offer his assistance to me. Passive aggressive. 

Yes, as it is quite clear to anyone reading any of my threads, communication is a HUGE problem in our marriage. I have an assignment to sit down and talk to my H about this before my next IC appt Friday. My therapist is expecting me to have that done and report back to him. It's the final kick in the pants I needed to make myself "woman up" and tackle this problem head-on.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> You can calmly say I know that already but thanks anyway.You can come back as suggested before with a "funny" remark (when I do that though my husband usually responds " smart ass" and he doesn't mean that in a good way like I made him laugh)you can also just start doing the same thing to him since they see no issue with it they should not be bothered by it right?And you are only "trying to help" ...
> 
> If you are going to your favorite resturant(that you have been to many times) as you get closer say "its to the left past this next street"..If you see a stop sign ahead say "be sure to stop up here there is a stop sign"...if they are going somewhere and its cold outside wait til you see them headed towards the coat closet and say "wear your coat its cold outside" if they cook a roast(if your husband is the domestic type ) say you need to use carving knife to cut that not a butter knife".If they are going to light the grill or fire place stand behind them and say "you need to make sure to stay back about a foot or so the gas when it ignites will go "poof" and you don't want to singe your eyebrows "etc...that is just more fun to me .WHEN he gets aggravated which he will because this is aggravating "say gosh your too sensitive"(invalidating his feelings and blaming him for feeling that way " then follow with seesh I was only trying to help)


Dallasapple, you must be my twin I never knew about. Pretty much eveything you've posted in this thread, I thought "Yes!! Somebody gets what I'm saying!" And many of your posts gave me a good chuckle. If we lived closer, I'd invite you to lunch so we could have a b**ch session and get all this off our chests! :smthumbup:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Dallasapple, you must be my twin I never knew about. Pretty much eveything you've posted in this thread, I thought "Yes!! Somebody gets what I'm saying!" And many of your posts gave me a good chuckle. If we lived closer, I'd invite you to lunch so we could have a b**ch session and get all this off our chests! :smthumbup:



:toast:


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Are his parents this way too,or more like is his dad this way too?
Does he have older brothers?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

NewM said:


> Are his parents this way too,or more like is his dad this way too?
> Does he have older brothers?


His did passed away when my H was 27, about 14 years ago...his mom passed away last year. His dad was pretty passive when he got older, but I hear that he was physically abusive to my H's older brothers (he has 4). By the time my H came along (he was a "surprise baby"), he had mellowed out considerably. But it was prob a defense mechanism of my MILs off and on screaming rampages toward him. In retrospect, I fully believe my MIL had BPD. His mom was absolutely overbearing in the sense of worrying excessively about people. She'd call us every time there was snow in the forecast and ask if we really had to go to work, shouldn't we just stay home in case the snow is bad, can you please call me when you get home to let me know you're ok? I put a stop to this "checking in" stuff, because my H and I were adults and didn't need to check in with his mom constantly like we were 12 or something. So I'm sure he gets a lot of his behavior issues from his mom.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

My MIL is similar but not to that extreme and she doesn't throw screaming rampages.The dad growing up was a harsh disciplinary what now would be considered physical abuse and didn't show the boys much affection if any as well.But anyway his mom didn't go to the extent to call us when the weather was bad but when she would visit or if we were going somewhere like 6flags or the zoo she would tell me to "wear comfortable shoes" or if we were going on a trip telling us "don't forget this and don't forget that "she also seems just in general to be a control freak in how she conducts HERSELF LOL!! very very very routine orientated and she is very "organized" and is prepared she keeps and always has an emacualte house the cars are emaculate too.And she also likes to act like shes in charge when she is not(an overseer)..she also repeats herself a lot .Like she will tell me to tell my husband something for her but then she will leave a message for him telling him the same thing she asked me to tell him.(like just to be sure in case I forgot but then why even ask me?)And she talks EXTREMELEY loud just in casual conversation she practically shouts even hello ..its HELLO!!!!But those are just "quirky" things besides I don't have to live with her.

I think maybe his dad is controlling over her so she feels out of control so she trys to control others.I don't get the feeling at all from her she is being passive aggressive though.She is more what I would call a "bossy butt" you don't get that same feeling though that she thinks your an idiot.Maybe its because she's the "mom" so you take it differently.I do think she thinks maybe she does things better or the "right way" and if everyone would listen to her their life would be easier...But again I think that's "mom mode".But like I mentioned above I don't think treating your spouse the same way a parent might even treat an adult child of theirs is a healthy dynamic for a marriage.What if both the parties felt as if their spouse needed to be advised and reminded and told things they already know all day long over petty things?Including over stuff you do differently being "instructed" to do it their way which is always the right way?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> Haha COGuy! This literally made me LOL! I instantly heard the sound of the dramatic "dun dun dunnnnnn" in my head when I read that.
> 
> Yes, I have talked to him about it. He's masterfully passive agressive when I try to tell him things like this bug me. He'll start doing the hurt puppy act and then say things like "I'm sorry you get mad at me when I'm trying to help you..." Note: he doesn't say he's sorry he upset me; he's sorry I got mad at his noble attempts to merely offer his assistance to me. Passive aggressive.
> 
> Yes, as it is quite clear to anyone reading any of my threads, communication is a HUGE problem in our marriage. I have an assignment to sit down and talk to my H about this before my next IC appt Friday. My therapist is expecting me to have that done and report back to him. It's the final kick in the pants I needed to make myself "woman up" and tackle this problem head-on.


OK, so you expressed your feelings, and he gave you a sh*tty response. Now it's YOUR job to deal with it appropriately. I think you need to set boundaries and have real consequences, but it sounds like your counselor can help you better than I can.

The two biggest mistakes I see in these situations are:

1. Wife never says anything and just silently grows resentment over the years.
2. Wife says something but never does anything to necessitate actual change.

Growing up my mom did #1. When I was about 15 or 16 she switched to #2. I think both positions are equally retarded and at the end they both show a lack of self-respect.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> 2. Wife says something but never does anything to necessitate actual change.


But sometimes there is nothing you can do to necessitate actual change in the other person and you are left trying to just figure out how to deal with it without losing you mind....or minimize it.Not saying you shouldn't try.

I will agree doing nothing would make the resentment unbearable.You internalize it not good.But the problem is you end up resenting it either way after they know what they are doing and keep doing it.Actually that's a good way to deal with it.Each "suggestion" or instruction or reminder say "I resent when you do that"..Pointing it out when it occurs.And "you're doing it again".That's better than nothing It will stave off being driven insane.

But I still like "wow I never knew that" as one of my personal faves..LOL!!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

If at the end of the day someone continues to do something that stresses you out, and has no remorse over it, what kind of marriage do you expect to have?

I guarantee that wouldn't be the only avenue that the relationship is lacking, it shows a complete lack of understanding from one of the partners.

I've seen so many women who just throw up their arms and say "Well I'm not going to leave over it so I guess I'll just put up with it." Then 20 years later they are fed up, no desire to stay married, and they run off. Then their husbands go, "Holy crap I had no idea it was that bad, I'll change!!" But it's too late....

I think it's much better to say, "Listen, this really bugs me. It makes me hate you and resent you and not want to be married. It makes me never want to have sex with you. If you keep doing it, or if you continue to minimize this, I'm not going to want to be married anymore." If that doesn't solve things, hand him the papers.

He'll either get a wake up call, or he won't and you're going to end up down that road anyway, might as well save yourself some time.

What I was referring to is people who don't have the patience to say nothing, but don't have the balls to leave. People like my mom. Who "fight back" against the comments, but never really solve the issue. If your husband doesn't give a sh*t that saying those things is hurtful, then no amount of humor or standing up for yourself is going to be effective at invoking change. At some point you need to take your own action, ie detaching.

I'm a big fan of early separation/divorce initiation in situations where a behavior is not tolerable and the other person doesn't show any interest in correcting it. I'm not sure there's any research to back this up, but I think it's the world's biggest tragedy to watch a woman stay in a sh*tty relationship for 20 years, leave, her husband changes into everything she wanted, but she's too bitter to accept him back. If she had taken the action 20 years earlier they could have spent those 20 years happy together and still be married.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I get what COGuy is saying...basically if something bugs you enough in your marriage, it needs to be addressed with the other partner; if they change, good. If they refuse to change, you need to decide if its enough of a problem to call it a deal breaker. If it is, the thing to do is leave. If its not bad enough to be a deal breaker, then you need to accept it and go on. Complaining about something endlessly but not dealing with it is basically the same as telling your spouse that it's ok with you for him/her to continue that behavior. 

That said...it's easier said than done, at least in my case. But it's an attitude I'm working on adopting, for the sake of my own sanity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

In the Marriage Builders program, if both spouses can adopt it and agree on using their principals, they teach you that annoying habits are a love buster (will cause your partner to begin losing love for you) and they have you go over each other's annoying habit to specifically point them out, so that each can then stop doing the things that annoy the other.

Their stance is, why would you keep doing a behavior that annoys your spouse, after you have been told it does annoy them?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

"Their stance is, why would you keep doing a behavior that annoys your spouse, after you have been told it does annoy them?"

You would if you habitually invalidate your spouses feelings and decide for them that they shouldn't be bothered by the behavior...which is what my H does. My problem is that I've allowed him to dictate my feelings to me for the past 19 years. I'm working on changing my reactions to him when he does that. Instead of caving and apologizing for being bothered by something he does, I'm trying to stand my ground...starting wih little things for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

I don't think it sounds like passive-aggression OR low self-esteem. 

I have some control-freak tendencies, and I find myself thinking this way (like the husband) frequently. In order to deal with it, I often have to remove myself from a situation or exert self control so I don't interfere with someone else's way of doing things. It's also important for me to pick my battles. 

For example, when my husband drives, he has a tendency to be far too close to the car in front of him. There are other things that annoy me about his driving, but this is the only one that I consider a major safety concern. But, I will only mention it now if we're on the highway and there are less than 2 seconds between us and the car ahead. I sort of make a pushing gesture in front of me and he backs off to make me feel better. If we're on a slower road, I decide to trust him, because I know he actually reacts very well and calmly when people stop short in front of him and the like. 

Sometimes my husband will be doing a chore, and I'll be aware that my way of doing that chore is much faster and more effective. If I think I can make a suggestion in a nice way, I might - but if I've mentioned it before, or if he's having fun doing it his way, I try my best not to say anything. If I have to, I leave the room to work on something else so I don't bother him. 

I think both people have to work together to solve this kind of problem. Your husband probably doesn't think you're incompetent - he just thinks he knows better ways to do some things. He probably does it out of love for you, even if it doesn't come across that way. This doesn't make it all okay, but it should make you realise that _a bit_ of it should be okay. I think your husband also needs to tone it down, and consider how much of a problem would really occur if you did things the "wrong" way. If it's not life-or-death, it's probably worth letting you potentially "mess up."

Note the quotations - I'm not saying he's right, or that your way of doing things isn't as good. But he might see it that way, and that's alright, as long as he can keep it to himself sometimes.


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