# Mother in Law frustrations



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

My mom and dad got divorced around 20 years ago and my mom has been single ever since. She's also somewhat disabled with rheumatoid arthritis. My wife and I got married a little over a year ago and there have been tons of problems between them.

Actually, the main problem is my mom's attitude towards my wife. It seems like her attitude is very often negative towards her and she's always doing these subtle put downs. 
I've fought with my mom so many times about this she always denies doing anything wrong. 

I'm actually starting to believe that her attitude may be unintentional but I'm not sure. My mom has a pretty lonely life since she's by herself and not able to do the things she wants to, so that's why I'm thinking she has some emotional issues that she doesn't fully realize.

Anyway, I've tried to talk to my mom about it but I don't see much progress. The only thing I've noticed is that she is much nicer to my wife when I'm around but I think she is different as soon as I leave the room. This situation has become the biggest source of stress I've ever had because I have to be there for my mom since she needs help, but then I have to minimize the amount of time she see's my wife. Juggling these things is almost impossible and it has almost driven me insane.


I know MIL issues are common but I feel like this is a special case and I'm not sure what to do. Has anybody dealt with something similar to this?


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

I'm in a similar situation, but I am the wife in my scenario.

IMO, from your mother's perspective, this new wife of yours is taking away from the attention and time that she got prior to your marriage. She is probably resentful as she doesn't get as much of your time and effort because you have a wife now. So she takes it out on your wife, as your wife is the cause of her problems.

I don't mean a word of this sentence, "Until you can divorce your wife and spend all of your time catering to your mother, she will not be happy."

My advice is that you need to take a harder line with your mother.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Tend to agree with Damaged’s post. My Mother (since passed) was this way with my Wife. No need to go into detail it was just petty, caddy, bi-polar crap you’d expect from a bullying 5-year-old or a lunatic.

For me I was able to work through my Dad and imparted upon him the position of “Hey if someone were behaving this way to your Wife what would you do?” Mom didn’t speak to us for 8-months leading to the birth of our first. 

The bizarreness then began to manifest in favoritism amongst Grandchildren and other like crap. Fortunately, we moved across the country and she passed away shortly after the birth of our second.

This stuff is tough, especially when it comes from your Mother - but what you need to do is look at it form the best interest of not only your relationship and the commitment you made with your Wife but also any children you may have or plan to have.

Now it’s sad, but I really have to say, the passing of my Mother was, in many regards, a great emotional relief for me and my immediate family. Until she was gone I don’t think I realized just how emotionally taxing all that really was. 

I can say it’d have only been worse had I not stood up for my Wife and my family. Its a shame to put a child through that but also it is what you owe to you and yours.


----------



## Wrong_Rook (Feb 24, 2014)

Hello, phoenix_.

I have no personal experience in this matter, but I must say this: Would you be having any doubt about what to do if this were an acquaintance, a friend, or a coworker being so incessantly inconsiderate to your wife, for whom you have vowed to forsake all others?

I hope you aren't still looking for a way to rectify the situation for your wife while maintaining your mother's good graces. Divorce or rheumatoid arthritis notwithstanding, your mother's attitude is an affront to your wife, and I assure you that these comments are none too subtle to her. If it were my mother-in-law continuing to run me down, I would hope that I could count on my partner to go to my defense, tact be damned, as I would with her to my own mum.

I apologize if this sounds curt. When our parents are good to us, we all want to make them happy and maintain a healthy relationship to them. However, I think that the choice between your wife and your mother isn't a choice at all.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Can you give some examples of the negative attitude your mother has toward your wife? It would help us understand what is going on.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Being a relative doesn't give ANYONE the right to treat your wife poorly. 
It might be time to have a chat with your mom regarding what is acceptable behavior towards your wife. Sure it's most likely going to be uncomfortable, but it has to be done. No one should have feel stressed out because their parent treats their SO badly.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> I'm in a similar situation, but I am the wife in my scenario.
> 
> IMO, from your mother's perspective, this new wife of yours is taking away from the attention and time that she got prior to your marriage. She is probably resentful as she doesn't get as much of your time and effort because you have a wife now. So she takes it out on your wife, as your wife is the cause of her problems.
> 
> ...


I understand why it's happening, obviously my mom is resentful and she's not admitting it to me. But I don't think I can take a harder line with her, I've fought with her so many times about it and it's always the same crap that she thinks she's not doing anything.

Is there any chance that she's not lying or is that just her trying to fake me out?

btw, when I say that we fight I don't mean some nice conversation. I told all the crap that she's doing needs to stop but all it does is make her hide it.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Coming from the position of the wife in this situation, but worse because MIL went completely off the rails eventually; I have had to completely cut MIL out of my life. She's not allowed anywhere near me, is not welcome in my house, nor will I ever talk to her again. If DH wants to talk to her, that's fine, but it has nothing to do with me anymore.

It might come to that with your wife one day. Might be better for everyone if they just have zero contact.

Just to add that it has not come between DH and I. We rarely talk about her. He is hanging onto his relationship with her by a thread and has been completely supportive of my choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

phoenix, I know EXACTLY what you're going through, even down to your mother's health issues and disabilities, etc. Carbon copy of my own situation with my Mom. Let me guess? There's even times where she asks for your help without actually coming out and asking for it? "Ohhhh, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do... There's no groceries in the house, and I have no way to get to the store!" Does she have a tendency to play the martyred victim of life? Is she resentful of the good things other people have and that she deserves but doesn't get?

She did the exact same things to my wife that you describe. Nice to her face (as long as I was around) but gossiped about her when not around each other, etc, etc, etc. There was the same favoritism between grandchildren, too.

Question: was your other sibling the golden child in the family, while you had responsibilities heaped upon you? Did you tend to get blamed for family problems which were bigger than you? If you try to talk to her, does the issue quickly turn to be about her problems? Some things I'm curious about, if you don't mind answering...

Anyway. You know what I eventually did about half a year ago? My wife, after turning every cheek on her body for years and years, was just fed up. Finally, I told her that if she wants it to be, she'll never have to deal with my mother again. Period. We don't have to have her in our home, we don't have to talk on the phone. I've had enough of trying to please somebody for whom there's no pleasing and who refuses to be nice to my wife and kids. Sometimes it seemed to be getting better, but there really is no fixing it with her. 

I haven't spoken to her since September, and I'm happier. I really had to learn that, even when it comes to our parents, if a person is not a friend of our marriage, then they are an enemy of it.

I love my mother, but she's not a friend of my marriage. So, I don't allow her around it any longer.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your responsibility is to your wife. Minimize the amount of time your mother and your wife are around each other. 

Mothers of sons often regard them as their property their entire lives. Don't let that happen to you.


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

phoenix_ said:


> Is there any chance that she's not lying.


No. She knows exactly what she's doing. Otherwise she would treat your wife the same way privately as she does when you are present. 

Your wife needs to come first in this, if you value your marriage at all. You can take a firm stance with her. If she does not accept and treat your wife with respect, then as far as you're concerned she does not respect you, and she will see little of you.

The only other option would be to only interact with your mother alone, without your wife. But your wife should still be priority on special events, days, etc. Again, this is only if you value your marriage.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

sh987 said:


> phoenix, I know EXACTLY what you're going through, even down to your mother's health issues and disabilities, etc. Carbon copy of my own situation with my Mom. Let me guess? There's even times where she asks for your help without actually coming out and asking for it? "Ohhhh, I don't know WHAT I'm going to do... There's no groceries in the house, and I have no way to get to the store!" Does she have a tendency to play the martyred victim of life? Is she resentful of the good things other people have and that she deserves but doesn't get?
> 
> She did the exact same things to my wife that you describe. Nice to her face (as long as I was around) but gossiped about her when not around each other, etc, etc, etc. There was the same favoritism between grandchildren, too.
> 
> ...


I think our situations are a little different. My mom is completely dependent on me and somewhat on my sister. It's not possible for me to cut her out because nobody else is around.

As for your questions, I would say that my sister was spoiled growing up but I think my parents favoured me in a way. One thing for sure is that most of the responsibilities are put on me.
And my mom does play the victim card a lot and always has. She's not entirely self centered, she cares about our problems a lot but she does always point out that she's lonely one way or another.


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

daffodilly said:


> No. She knows exactly what she's doing. Otherwise she would treat your wife the same way privately as she does when you are present.


:iagree: I was just about to say the same thing, but daffodilly beat me to the punch.



daffodilly said:


> Your wife needs to come first in this, if you value your marriage at all. You can take a firm stance with her. If she does not accept and treat your wife with respect, then as far as you're concerned she does not respect you, and she will see little of you.


This is what I meant by taking a hard line with your mother.


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> It's not possible for me to cut her out because nobody else is around.
> 
> And my mom does play the victim card a lot and always has.


There's no simple solution for your problems.
You mother is cake-eating. Her actions have no real consequences so she continues to do it.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

phoenix_ said:


> I think our situations are a little different. My mom is completely dependent on me and somewhat on my sister. It's not possible for me to cut her out because nobody else is around.


Does your mother live with you and your wife?


----------



## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Your responsibility is to your wife. Minimize the amount of time your mother and your wife are around each other.
> 
> Mothers of sons often regard them as their property their entire lives. Don't let that happen to you.


This - Tell your mom flat out, repair this **** or you wont be seeing her much.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> Does your mother live with you and your wife?


No, she lives by herself right now. But I visit her often to help her out and my sister does too sometimes.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

phoenix_ said:


> I think our situations are a little different. My mom is completely dependent on me and somewhat on my sister. It's not possible for me to cut her out because nobody else is around.
> 
> As for your questions, I would say that my sister was spoiled growing up but I think my parents favoured me in a way. One thing for sure is that most of the responsibilities are put on me.
> And my mom does play the victim card a lot and always has. She's not entirely self centered, she cares about our problems a lot but she does always point out that she's lonely one way or another.


Beware the chronic 'victim', they are narcissists in disguise.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

One thing I think you should make a priority is to show your wife that you are making her the priority. You may not be able to change your mother, but you can demonstrate to your wife that your on her side and not your mother's side.


----------



## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

This opinion is not going to be popular.

You only have one mother. You cannot treat her as if she were an obnoxious friend. And, you should not move across the country to get rid of her and it would be sad if you were glad if she died.

I have a mother who I did not really get along with for a long time. I realized, however, that I would be very sad if she passed away and I regretted not treating her better. 

I decided to communicate with her better and love her more. 

We now have a good relationship. 

You need to find the cause of her actions toward your wife and find ways to communicate with your mother in a way that will make her understand how her actions affect you. Love her more instead of turning away from her. She is the only mother you will ever have. If she was good to you when you were a little boy, then be good to her when she is old and needy.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Well, everyone needs to hear more than one opinion in order to pick out the most relevant to their situation.

Not all parents are created equal. Just depends where the OPs mother sits on the scale as to whether a relationship with her is a curse or a blessing.

Heh, I know that wording sounds religious; it's not meant to be though.


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

breeze said:


> Beware the chronic 'victim', they are narcissists in disguise.


This is precisely what I was getting at, and is what some of my questions to OP were geared around. For my part, I'd never thought about the pathology of my mother's behaviours; just thought she was a touchy personality. I happened to come across some info on narcissism and was awestruck at the parallels between the description of a narcissist and the way they abuse.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> This opinion is not going to be popular.
> 
> You only have one mother. You cannot treat her as if she were an obnoxious friend. And, you should not move across the country to get rid of her and it would be sad if you were glad if she died.
> 
> ...


You have some good points, but the cause of the actions towards the wife, in many situations, is pure and simple: jealousy.

This is where I have a problem. A mother is not a partner to her grown son, a mother is supposed to raise her children to be the best possible adults so that they can build a life of their own. A mother is not supposed to try and make her son feel guilty for being independent and having another woman in his life!

I have experience with this. My MIL tried to make her own son feel guilty for not spending ALL of his time with her. She is narcissistic, self-centered and does not put her children first. As far as I'm concerned, this type of mother needs to be dealt with in a respectful, but firm manner, where boundaries are clearly established.

These situations are unfair to the wife and stressful to the couple. How many fights have been cause by a MIL's interference? How many husbands feeling conflicted because of their duty to their wife and duty to their mother?

No, these situations should NOT exist. If the MIL is toxic to the couple and cannot be put in her place, then she cannot be around the couple, period.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Having 5 sons, I know when they find a wife.. my role has been fulfilled, you don't encroach upon their marriage, trying to cause tension & stress, it would be difficult to love a daughter in law who didn't treat our sons good, but this should be the bottom line, that our sons are happy , and this woman fulfills them and brings them great Joy... 

There is a book called Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage: Susan Forward: 



> Toxic in–laws are in–laws who create genuine chaos through various assaults––aggressive or subtle––on you and your marriage. Toxic–in laws come in a wide variety of guises, " The Critics.; ", who tell you what you're doing wrong, "The Controllers.;", who try to run you and your partner's life, " The Engulfers.;", who make incessant demands on your time, " The Masters of Chaos.;", who drain you and your partner with their problems, and, " The Rejecters.;", who let you know they don't want you as part of their family.
> 
> Susan Forward draws on real–life voices and stories of both women and men struggling to free themselves from the frustrating, hurtful and infuriating relationships with their toxic in–laws. Dr. Forward offers you highly effective communication and behavioral techniques for getting through to partners who won't or can't stand up to their parents. Next, she lays out accessible and practical ways to reclaim you marriage from your in–laws. She shows you what to say, what to do and what limits to set. If you follow these strategies, you may not turn toxic in–laws into the in–laws of your dreams, but you will find some peace in your relationship with them.


This book is christian based, thought I'd mention it also..

Setting Boundaries® with Your Aging Parents: Finding Balance Between Burnout and Respect: 



> This important book from the author of Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children (more than 40,000 sold) will help adult children who long for a better relationship with their parents but feel trapped in a never-ending cycle of chaos, crisis, or drama.
> 
> With keen insight and a passion to empower adult children, Allison charts a trustworthy roadmap through the often unfamiliar territory of setting boundaries with parents while maintaining personal balance and avoiding burnout. Through the use of professional advice, true stories, and scriptural truth, readers learn how to apply the "6 Steps to SANITY":
> 
> ...





> *loveadvice said:* *This opinion is not going to be popular.
> 
> You only have one mother. You cannot treat her as if she were an obnoxious friend. And, you should not move across the country to get rid of her and it would be sad if you were glad if she died.
> 
> ...


 I feel for this Mother in a way, she is in a helpless , basically burdenous situation due to health issues, feeling alone..she KNOWS she is a burden... and she probably hates herself for it too...which in turn makes her do the ugly things she does.. I hope your wife can try, hard as it may be, to NOT take these things personal, as it wouldn't matter who her son married, she would get the same treatment..it IS jealousy.... and it's very sad.... 

Does your Mother have friends, a Church to go to, something to fill her days... others to talk to?..... We all need more people in our lives to feel connected, connection with others, feeling we are enjoyed... wanted to be around is what makes us feel Loved... I doubt your Mother feels Loved.. but this , unfortunately , is partly her own fault, she is effectively made your lives very difficult and no one enjoys being around a passive aggressive complainer who puts everyone else down - to uplift themselves...she is effectively pushing you both away !

I don't feel cutting this Mother out of your lives entirely would be the answer... but there is nothing wrong with letting her know her behavior is hurting you both....and this is something within her power to turn around.. and if she chooses to continue on... stricter boundaries will be going forth, she will see you less...and you will walk out of the room if/when she says anything negative about your family... Ya know...you are basically asking for *RESPECT* HERE...to respect your marriage, your choices....as a Mother who loves you...this should be understood.

It's a tough situation... Let us all learn how not to be with our daughter in laws through these stories... a son can not be tied to his Mother, he has a LIFE to live and enjoy, his own family to raise...


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ya know...you are basically asking for *RESPECT* HERE...to respect your marriage, your choices....as a Mother who loves you...this should be understood.
> 
> ... a son can not be tied to his Mother, he has a LIFE to live and enjoy, his own family to raise...


:iagree: Heartily shaking head in agreement.:iagree::iagree:


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

OP, have you posted this story before under a different username? It sounds very familiar.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What exactly is your mom doing? Sometimes the wife needs a thicker skin.

If your mother's actions are destructive to your marriage, then you need to protect your marraige from it. There are ways to do this:

-- Lead your wife into how to emotionally disconnect from your mother's actions
-- Keep them seperated
-- Keep yourself emotinally separated from Mom but physically still helping her.
-- Nuclear option (turn your back on Mom)


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> No, she lives by herself right now. But I visit her often to help her out and my sister does too sometimes.


So, visit her on your own.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

People like this do not change no matter how much understanding,time,talks,love,and attention you give them. 

I've seen it with my own mother and I've seen it with DH's mother. He still puts up w/his mother's crap bc he feels sorry for her. I cut my mother off after the last straw broke me.This was in October. I miss her sometimes but mostly I'm glad I don't have to deal w the constant victim speak,guilt trips,and her refusal to ever admit she is wrong and hurtful.

If you want to still be there for your mother,have at it but keep your emotions in check. Like Hicks suggested: Keep yourself emotionally separated from Mom but physically still helping her.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The OP says the behavior is subtle put downs and feels that the behavior may be unintentional. I would not be willing to disengage and distance myself so easily from my parent over this. You only get one mother in this life. I would try to work really hard and fix the dynamic with my mother, and would not give up so easily...but that's just me. How is she otherwise as a mother? Has she been good and kind throughout your life?

Your partner is your partner, for sure, but your mother is your mother also.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

My mother would never be rude and offend my spouse because she knows it would be hurtful to me, her child. However the OP says that he has requested that his mother refrain from this behavior and she doesn't grant his request. How is putting him under duress by attacking his wife being a good mother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Omego said:


> My mother would never be rude and offend my spouse because she knows it would be hurtful to me, her child. However the OP says that he has requested that his mother refrain from this behavior and she doesn't grant his request. How is putting him under duress by attacking his wife being a good mother?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's right. Those are two contrary ideas which can't fit into the same space. To OP's mother, her son's wife is the other woman.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think no one is perfect. Sometimes dynamics between loved ones/family members are hard, and sometimes there are problems that need to be worked out....just like with a marriage partner. There are some people who have try for *years* to work through bad dynamics and hard hurtful times with a spouse, but the advice seems to be distance oneself from a parent without trying to work with her more to get to a solution. 

I was married for 16 years, and there were MIL problems, so I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of MIL bad stuff, but I also think it's important to try to keep a connection with a parent and try hard to solve a problem.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Livvie said:


> I think no one is perfect. Sometimes dynamics between loved ones/family members are hard, and sometimes there are problems that need to be worked out....just like with a marriage partner. There are some people who have try for *years* to work through bad dynamics and hard hurtful times with a spouse, but the advice seems to be distance oneself from a parent without trying to work with her more to get to a solution.
> 
> I was married for 16 years, and there were MIL problems, so I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of MIL bad stuff, but I also think it's important to try to keep a connection with a parent and try hard to solve a problem.


No one is perfect. That's not the point. How long does a person put up with bad treatment? Connection to a parent is important, but if it takes a big toll on the child's marriage and his relationship with his spouse, is he supposed to make his wife put up with it? The OP has talked about this with his mother. What happens when his wife decides she's had enough of this bad treatment? Everyone has a breaking point. Not everyone wants to go through 16 years of MIL problems. It's unfair to his wife to be subjected to bad treatment for years so that the OP can maintain a relationship with his mother.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The OP says they have been married a little over a year.

Everyone can decide how long they put up with bad treatment and also judge a situation by severity of behaviors and what may be behind them.

I personally would try really hard to look at the the situation and try to remedy it before giving up on my mother, but that's just me.


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

The OP has asked her to change her behavior, and his mother has not complied.

Further, she claims she doesn't know she's doing it, yet behaves differently when he is not around to witness....that's extremely calculated. 

By telling her that if she continues to disrespect his wife he will see less of her, he's not giving up on his mother. She is an adult. She can decide if it's more important her to put down a person her son loves or to be civil to keep her family united. It actually puts the decision on HER, whether she's willing to keep her son around, not him....really, no one is asking her to be best friends with his wife. Simply to act polite and civil. This is not an outrageous request, whether you are in good health or not.


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

Along the lines of, "This is not going to be popular..."

I'm curious that no one has posted, "The relationship between MIL and Daughter-in-Law is a 2-way street." What has your wife done to try to make peace with your mother? How does she act in front of your mother? Perhaps your wife should try harder to get along with your mother? Is there something your wife can do to "win over" your mother?


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> This opinion is not going to be popular.
> 
> You only have one mother. You cannot treat her as if she were an obnoxious friend. And, you should not move across the country to get rid of her and it would be sad if you were glad if she died.
> 
> ...


I agree, I want to find a solution to this but it's very difficult. I'm not going to just cut my mother out of my life but she's in a state that is so hard to reason with.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

John Lee said:


> One thing I think you should make a priority is to show your wife that you are making her the priority. You may not be able to change your mother, but you can demonstrate to your wife that your on her side and not your mother's side.


My wife should definitely know this by now. My wife had problems with depression and is recently coming off anti depressants which makes her very unstable emotionally and that has made the situation much harder to deal with.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

damagedgoods1 said:


> Along the lines of, "This is not going to be popular..."
> 
> I'm curious that no one has posted, "The relationship between MIL and Daughter-in-Law is a 2-way street." What has your wife done to try to make peace with your mother? How does she act in front of your mother? Perhaps your wife should try harder to get along with your mother? Is there something your wife can do to "win over" your mother?


My wife is VERY nice to my mother and always makes an extra effort with her. But, if my mother says something then I hear about it at home for a while.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> I understand why it's happening, obviously my mom is resentful and she's not admitting it to me. But I don't think I can take *a harder line* with her, I've fought with her so many times about it and it's always the same crap that she thinks she's not doing anything.
> 
> Is there any chance that she's not lying or is that just her trying to fake me out?
> 
> btw, when I say that we fight I don't mean some nice conversation. I told all the crap that she's doing needs to stop but all it does is make her hide it.


*The harder-line* isn't to have a conversation AGAIN about this. The harder-line is to say, _"Mom, I'm cutting back on my visits with you because they are very upsetting to <wife's name>. You two seem to have trouble getting along...No! Don't bother arguing or anything else. I'm not DISCUSSING it with you, Mom, I'm telling you. <Wife's name> and I will visit you again in a few weeks. If things have improved, GREAT! If not, the visits will be less frequent because I am supporting my wife and my marriage. 

You raised me to be a man, and a man supports his wife. I love you Mom and I love <wife's name>. You know where I stand."_

Give her a hug/kiss and LEAVE. Give her a couple of weeks to ruminate on the CORRECT way to treat your wife...whether you're there or not! She can 'hire' things done, or wait for your next visit (on whatever it is you usually do for her), but make her wait. She COULD change if she really felt the impetus to!

I'm guessing that when your wife sees she has your 100% support, she will be more tolerant of your mother's picking...unless your wife is immature and vindictive. But I'm thinking that with support like this, she will feel able to 'take the high road' with your mother.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

daffodilly said:


> *The only other option would be to only interact with your mother alone, without your wife. * But your wife should still be priority on special events, days, etc. Again, this is only if you value your marriage.


I respectfully have to disagree with this. This makes Mommy feel like "the victor"! She's got her baby-boy all to herself again without that nasty harridan butting in!

Nope! It's a package deal: me, my wife, and our kids...or nothing!


...just my opinion


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I respectfully have to disagree with this. This makes Mommy feel like "the victor"! She's got her baby-boy all to herself again without that nasty harridan butting in!
> 
> Nope! It's a package deal: me, my wife, and our kids...or nothing!
> 
> ...


:iagree: I respectfully stand corrected  Much better to present as a united front.

OP, I think SGW's approach is really the best solution.


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

phoenix_ said:


> My wife is VERY nice to my mother and always makes an extra effort with her. But, if my mother says something then I hear about it at home for a while.


And does your mom know of your wife's history of depression? 

Because if she does, then it REALLY necessitates you sticking to your guns and firmly telling her this will not be tolerated...considering your wife has been kind towards her.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *The harder-line* isn't to have a conversation AGAIN about this. The harder-line is to say, _"Mom, I'm cutting back on my visits with you because they are very upsetting to <wife's name>. You two seem to have trouble getting along...No! Don't bother arguing or anything else. I'm not DISCUSSING it with you, Mom, I'm telling you. <Wife's name> and I will visit you again in a few weeks. If things have improved, GREAT! If not, the visits will be less frequent because I am supporting my wife and my marriage.
> 
> You raised me to be a man, and a man supports his wife. I love you Mom and I love <wife's name>. You know where I stand."_
> 
> ...


Yeah I think this is the right way of dealing with it. 
One other thing I've had difficulty with is when I confront her about things said behind my back she starts making a fuss about my wife complaining about her to me.... Such a stupid situation I know, what do you think is the best way to deal with that? Should I just ignore it and continue with my plan of visiting less?


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> Yeah I think this is the right way of dealing with it.
> One other thing I've had difficulty with is when I confront her about things said behind my back she starts making a fuss about my wife complaining about her to me.... Such a stupid situation I know, what do you think is the best way to deal with that? Should I just ignore it and continue with my plan of visiting less?


If you are following advice from SlowlyGettingWiser, you are not starting another argument with your mom. You are laying down your boundaries. Specifically from SlowlyGettingWiser, "No! Don't bother arguing or anything else. I'm not DISCUSSING it with you, Mom, I'm telling you."


----------



## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

phoenix_ said:


> One other thing I've had difficulty with is when I confront her about things said behind my back she starts making a fuss about my wife complaining about her to me....


Well, if she didn't insult your wife in the first place, there would be nothing to complain about, would there?

As SGW and Damaged Goods says, you tell her you and your wife have NO SECRETS and these comments will no longer be tolerated. Her future relationship with you is entirely in her hands...it's now up to her how she wants it to proceed.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> How long does a person put up with bad treatment? Connection to a parent is important, but if it takes a big toll on the child's marriage and his relationship with his spouse, is he supposed to make his wife put up with it? The OP has talked about this with his mother. What happens when his wife decides she's had enough of this bad treatment? *Everyone has a breaking point.* Not everyone wants to go through 16 years of MIL problems. It's unfair to his wife to be subjected to bad treatment for years so that the OP can maintain a relationship with his mother.


I've just reached that point with my inlaws. I've told my husband that I will no longer have anything to do with them. I always imagined before I met my husband that if I ever got married, we would have a large, happy extended family, that was supportive of each other and saw each other regularly. Family is everything to me. Sadly, I ended up with an overbearing, critical MIL and an arrogant, sanctimonius FIL, both of whom are very judgemental and there is no standard high enough that you can attain before you become worthy in their eyes.

I've had enough and won't continue to subject myself to it.

I won't however give my darling husband a hard time if he wants to see them on his own. He has my back, and he will be speaking to them about this situation and that's all I can ask of him. As long as I don't have to deal with them anymore I'm happy with that. I will though, expect to be his priority on big days such as Christmas - I have no problem with him going there for an hour or so for drinks and a catch up, but I expect him to have lunch and dinner with me and our daughter.

Having lost my darling dad, I'm painfully aware that we only get one set of parents, and once they're gone, they're gone.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

phoenix_ said:


> Yeah I think this is the right way of dealing with it.
> One other thing I've had difficulty with is when I confront her about things said behind my back she starts making a fuss about my wife complaining about her to me.... Such a stupid situation I know, what do you think is the best way to deal with that? Should I just ignore it and continue with my plan of visiting less?


I, personally, would recommend you just visit LESS frequently for a while. When mom sees that poor treatment of DIL means fewer treatment with son, she'll either straighten up and fly right, or she won't.

Either way, you'll have more HARMONY in your home on a daily basis. Don't confront about the stuff said behind your back. Just try the new method, and see how it works over the next 3-4 months! Give it a chance to effect PERMANENT and better change in your mother.

BTW: If, by any chance, your sister starts harping to you, just tell her nicely, "This is how <wife's name> and I BOTH have decided to handle things with Mom. Mom clearly understands our requirements. I try very hard not to butt into YOUR life (or your marriage), and I hope you will show the same consideration for us. Then drop it. If sister keeps harping, simply say (EVERY single time she brings it up) "We're NOT discussing this." and REFUSE to say another word about it. (called the 'broken record' technique).

Best Wishes!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I, personally, would recommend you just visit LESS frequently for a while. When mom sees that poor treatment of DIL means fewer treatment with son, she'll either straighten up and fly right, or she won't.
> 
> BTW: If, by any chance, your sister starts harping to you, just tell her nicely, "This is how <wife's name> and I BOTH have decided to handle things with Mom. Mom clearly understands our requirements. I try very hard not to butt into YOUR life (or your marriage), and I hope you will show the same consideration for us. Then drop it. If sister keeps harping, simply say (EVERY single time she brings it up) "We're NOT discussing this." and REFUSE to say another word about it. (called the 'broken record' technique).
> 
> Best Wishes!


:iagree: This. The only thing I would change, is to tell your sister that this is how YOU have decided to handle your mum. Keep your wife right out of it. She doesn't need any more blame heaped on her. It's your job to protect her.


----------



## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> I agree, I want to find a solution to this but it's very difficult. I'm going to just cut my mother out of my life but she's in a state that is so hard to reason with.


I understand. It took me a long time before I found the solution I needed to get through to my mom. Rome was not built in a day. Your relationship with your mother is worth the fight to salvage.

Think about your mom's good points. If you were ever in trouble, she would probably be the first to help you in any way she can. 

What is it about your wife that she doesn't like? 

Concentrate on telling her how badly her actions are making you feel. Tell her you love her very much and want a good relationship with her. Tell her that no matter what she has done, you love her anyway. Tell her that even if she doesn't like your wife, please be nice to your wife so that you will have a happy marriage and so that your life is easier. Focus on your feelings and how she can help you feel better.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When your wife and mother are together, turn on a voice activated recorder so you can hear and judge for yourself. Maybe Mom is/is not a manipulator and maybe Wife's emotional instability is/is not coloring the retelling of the events.

You'll have a better grasp of the situation if you hear the exchanges first-hand.


----------



## phoenix_ (Dec 20, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I respectfully have to disagree with this. This makes Mommy feel like "the victor"! She's got her baby-boy all to herself again without that nasty harridan butting in!
> 
> Nope! It's a package deal: me, my wife, and our kids...or nothing!
> 
> ...


Actually, my mom always wants me to bring my wife when I visit. I really think she's being genuine here, every time I come alone she asks why I didn't bring my wife and wishes she were here.

And then when she is there the passive aggressiveness starts.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

It's very hard to change people. You can just accept the sitatuion, realize your mother is difficult, limit contacts, and live a reasonable life. If the time comes when she wants to improve things and say what can we do, then you can mention the problem and suggest solutions. Otherwise, she is somewhat depressed and unhappy and people like that tend to criticize others.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> Actually, my mom always wants me to bring my wife when I visit. I really think she's being genuine here, every time I come alone she asks why I didn't bring my wife and wishes she were here.
> 
> And then when she is there the passive aggressiveness starts.


That's just part of the manipulation. She says she wants you to bring your wife so that she can be mean to her. She also wants you to think: "Gee, mom likes my wife because she says to bring her over, why in the world is my wife complaining about her all the time? Mom is right! Wife is mean!"

I'm sorry to say but as I see it, your mother has no good intentions towards your wife.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

phoenix_ said:


> Yeah I think this is the right way of dealing with it.
> One other thing I've had difficulty with is when I confront her about things said behind my back she starts making a fuss about my wife complaining about her to me.... Such a stupid situation I know, what do you think is the best way to deal with that? Should I just ignore it and continue with my plan of visiting less?


You and your spouse have every right to voice your complaints to the other, you are each others support. She's trying to make your wife look bad. She's just like the kid who hits someone than keeps saying tattle tale, tattle tale to the kid who tells their parent, just to shift the focus off their bullying. Ignore her it is a manipulative, blame game tactic.

Your wife needs to know that she is your number one priority. Believe me knowing that my husband will always choose me makes it a million times easier to put up with my MIL when the need arises. 

If I would have seen this 16 years ago I would have thought it was my husband posting it even the severe RA, except my FIL is still in the picture.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I, personally, would recommend you just visit LESS frequently for a while. When mom sees that poor treatment of DIL means fewer treatment with son, she'll either straighten up and fly right, or she won't.
> 
> Either way, you'll have more HARMONY in your home on a daily basis. Don't confront about the stuff said behind your back. Just try the new method, and see how it works over the next 3-4 months! Give it a chance to effect PERMANENT and better change in your m
> 
> ...


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

phoenix_ said:


> Actually, my mom always wants me to bring my wife when I visit. I really think she's being genuine here, every time I come alone she asks why I didn't bring my wife and wishes she were here.
> 
> And then when she is there the passive aggressiveness starts.


Yeah... Just like my mom.

When my MIL was upset with my wife when she was a girl, she used to used to punish by giving her the silent treatment, often for weeks on end. During those times, my MIL wouldn't speak to or even look at my wife, and it killed the girl.

One time, about four years ago, my mother called me and said she wanted to get together for a family BBQ, because she didn't get to see my wife very much. How lovely, I thought: Mom is trying to get closer to my wife. Unbeknownst to me, my wife had mentioned her childhood punishments to my mother during a conversation...

My brother and I went out to a music shop for about an hour, leaving my wife, mother and SIL at the house. When we came back, my wife was in the kitchen, clearly upset. When I asked what was wrong, she told me that after my brother and I left, my mother refused to so much as acknowledge my wife's presence or respond to her in any way. Her only answer to anything was a nose being lifted in the air. This was confirmed by my SIL, who happened to come in while we were talking.

Now, here's the really fun part: when I went to talk to my mother, she tried to tell me that she had tried to talk to my wife several times, but had received the silent treatment for her efforts. When I said that it was pretty odd that I'd already heard the same story from the other side, she stammered, hesitated, and finally said "Well, what else am I *supposed* to do?"

I drove her home.

She didn't want to get closer to my wife, and I sincerely doubt my mother ever will. To her, my wife will always be the other woman. I don't see 100% similarities, but I definitely see our parallels in our situations.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Why do some mothers, particularly of sons, get so jealous of their DIL's?? The two roles are incomparable, and there's no need for competition.

He can love his mum 100% and he can love his wife 100%. 

Why do some parents make it so difficult for their adult kids?


----------



## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Why do some mothers, particularly of sons, get so jealous of their DIL's?? The two roles are incomparable, and there's no need for competition.
> 
> He can love his mum 100% and he can love his wife 100%.
> 
> Why do some parents make it so difficult for their adult kids?


In my mother's case, it boils down to one word: narcissist. I'm not a psychologist, so don't take that as an official diagnosis... But, if she were to see one, I'd eat my hat if she was not diagnosed as such.


----------



## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

loveadvice said:


> I always find it so sad to learn about people who have decided to not have a relationship with their parents anymore. Why have children when they throw you out like a dish towel when they can't stand you when they grow up? Maybe it's a cultural thing? I'm not sure. I grew up being taught to respect my elders and cherish my relationships with my family. Although as I mentioned in a previous post that I did not get along with my mother for a long time (e.g., years) and thought that she was overly critical towards me and towards my ex-husband, I realized that our relationship was worth saving and I was able to find the love for her that I needed to repair the relationship and start a better one. I suspect that the OP's mother really wants a great relationship with the OP and his wife. She just doesn't know how to achieve it or is stuck in some obstinate place in her mind or there is something that the OP or his wife is doing that is also not helping the situation. People don't have arguments with themselves (or at least most people don't). It takes two to tango. I would take a look my own behavior and see what I can do to affect a change for the better. In my case, I realized that I was interpreting my mother's actions in a very negative way when it was not necessarily so. I was able to get through to my mother how I felt and how she can make me feel better and have the type of good relationship with me that she wants. I am really glad that my mother is in my life and that we have a good relationship. It's easy to get rid of people. It takes courage and hard work to keep a relationship that is worth saving going. Of course, if your mother is just the devil incarnate, I guess it's not a relationship worth saving. But, I think for most people, their parents love them and are not the devil.


----------

