# Feeling excluded



## cne (Jun 11, 2012)

Hi, this is the first time I've ever posted on a site like this. Ive been married just over a year. Im having issues with my husband. I feel like he's intentionally excluding me from his family. I've brought it up before but it just causes arguments. He's done it a few times and it seems like its intentional to hurt me. This last time I was uninvited to a weekend event because he wanted it to be a brothers bonding weekend. It had been in the works for a month but I was uninvited a couple of days before. I was upset, but understood, so I just said okay. When he came back, I found out it was a family event. His brother brought his wife and dog. Their uncle and aunt were there as well as 3 other guys. He acted like I was over reacting when I got mad. The first time this happened he mentioned a snowboarding trip. I got excited because I have all the gear but have never gone. Right after he told me I said great ill finally get to use all my stuff. He looked at me like I was insane and said, "oh, you weren't invited". We'd lived together about 2 months when that happened. I'm not sure but I dont think this is normal for a marriage. This has happened a few times now. We live on the other side of the country from where all of my family and friends live. We moved here so he could be near his family because his father passed away last year. Ive tried talking to him, but its not doing any good. This last time he just left. What else is there to do?


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

To me this is not normal for a marriage. If my husband ever went to his dad's house without me for dinner or something they would not be ok with that and ask where the heck I was.

Have you ever asked him WHY he doesn't want you coming along? How is your relationship with his family?

I am pretty bold so if my H did this to me I would plan a big dinner at MY house and invite them all over so I could start building my own relationships with them.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I find this nothing short of bizarre. What part of "married" doesn't he understand?

I assume he's spending marital money on these trips, no? Don't you get a say in how the finances are spent?

I just find the secrecy and lack of discussion on his part very peculiar.

Have you met his family? Did they come to the wedding? Do you ever speak to them directly?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Have you reached out to his family personally? Don't have him include you, just include yourself by being involved with them. Can't imagine doing things with my family and not having my H there. HE is my main family with my kids.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'm sorry, but if it is a FAMILY event, you get to go. YOU are his family. Everyone else is now his extended family. When you marry, you become one. I think becoming friends with his side of the family would be a great idea. I suggest planning a big dinner for everyone to come over... or, maybe just brother(s) and wife(wives). That the dog was able to go and you were not... unacceptable. You seem to have more restraint than I. I would have gone off if my husband ever did this.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

cne said:


> Right after he told me I said great ill finally get to use all my stuff. He looked at me like I was insane and said, "oh, you weren't invited".


Don't know about anyone else but THIS just SCREAMS disrespect to me. Your his WIFE it should be a given that you come along. For him to treat you like this just says he's not looking at you as a wife... more like a short term girlfriend whose not that important. That's what it's saying when I read your post. Has he always treated you like this? By the way.. how could you be "understanding?" I sure as hell wouldn't be.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, that sure doesn't sound normal. He should be wanting to spend time with you. It's fine to have some family time too, but you're his family now too.

What was he like before you got married? How long did you date? 

And sometimes, you have to push through the arguments and stand up for yourself. If you don't, you're just teaching him how to treat you in the future.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cne (Jun 11, 2012)

We've been married for just over a year. We started dating a year before that. He was on deployment for most of last year so I only got to see him for a month out of every few. He got out in december. He was great before the wedding. Due to time constraints we eloped in hawaii. We we're going to have the actual wedding when he got out but pushed it back to when we finish school, if ever. He left after the last argument. Hurtful stuff yelled on both parts. My sister is visiting for a couple of weeks, so she was witness to it. She thinks he doesn't see me as part of his family and might be looking for a reason to separate. As embarrassing as it was to have someone witness it, it was nice to have an outside opinion.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are there fights on other stuff? Are you from similar cultures?

So out of the two years you've been seeing each other or married, he's been deployed for half of that? When you were dating, did you spend a lot of time together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't yell, that makes it worse. Just walk away. Tell him you would be glad to discuss, but not yell. My H has never yelled at me. I won't engage. I know the consequences if I yell at him (actually in 18 yrs of marriage I've never yelled at him) so I don't do it and visa versa. Respect for each other is the bottom line. He doesn't seem to be thinking in that direction, but don't play into it by yelling or engaging in that mode.

Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? I couldn't. Ask him if he is looking to separate, because his action says he does. Don't do it in a accusing tone, but one of concern. You need to talk to him about everything you posted and your feelings. He may not even realize how you are feeling or what his actions have caused. Discuss don't argue.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is one of the advantages of that so called piece of paper. Some people may pontificate over the murky state of cohabitating, but being legally married makes many things de facto. 

I remember the ex gf of my exH complaining that a friend she invited to her wedding had the nerve to ask whether her live in bf could come. Well, that's hardly a fly by night relationship. The bride / ex gf said no because they we not married.

OP, you are family. If your in laws don't want you around, well don't make it easy for them. Let them tell you why they don't want you around.

no, it's not normal or healthy for your husband to visit his parents while explicitly or even implicitly telling you that you are not welcomed.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> no, it's not normal or healthy for your husband to visit his parents while explicitly or even implicitly telling you that you are not welcomed.


Nor is it okay, as it sounds like is happening now, that he is actively lying about the nature of the gatherings. Next he will be hiding them from you altogether. This is truly weird and there is a story behind this that you need to get to the bottom of.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I agree with Mrs. K -- call up the fam and invite them all to dinner next Sunday. That's pulling the rug right out from under him, unless they decline, in which case you KNOW the problem is big.


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