# advice on controlling husband



## scooter2177 (Jan 19, 2012)

I am in a relalyd ead unhappy marriage...ahve been married 25 yrs..have 2 girls 15 and 13...husbnad has always done whatever he wanted ..about 2 yrs ago..i started to talk to my husband about reconecting...go out to dinner 1/month or so...to reconnect ..didnt expect instnt results..but improvement...he didnt even dignify it w/ a reply..just shook his head anad wlked away...hes been going out drinking w/ friends foryrs..id ealt w/ it ..w/ the occasional argument for decades since kids were babies...abotu 1 1/2 yrs ago i decided to take up a hobby to make friends...so i woudlnt be so clingy and needy to my husband...then..unepetcedly met another man...i really like him and he likes me...in oct 2011 served husband w. papers (he doesnt knwo about the other man) of course was devastated...asked em to try n reconcile..i said yes... so ive been trying but am still miserably unhappy...

im stuck n confused ...how do i start over w/job, kids etc?
have aslmost no money, no fmaily to help...


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

First, it sounds like you guys both drifted apart and while you don't go into detail, if you have spent 23 years drifting apart, it's going to take work on both your parts to get it back together. You don't need to rehash the past to do that but hopefully you can pinpoint some key things you both did and learn from them.

Second, it sounds like you are at minimum having an emotional affair. I'm not going to judge you for that, but your husband deserves to know in my opinion. He deserves your honesty after committing 25 years of his life with you.

Third, you'll never reconcile with him if you are keeping secrets. See point #2.

Finally, you'll get child support for the kids after your divorce, so you'll get a little financial help. Hopefully you are not seeking advice on how to take your husband for all he is worth after you cheated on him... it's like pouring salt into the wound.


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## scooter2177 (Jan 19, 2012)

first...I didnt cheat n my husband..for what its worth ...no onehas laid a hand on anyone..thats why im gong thru this turmoil...and trying to seek answers about getting on w/ my lfie..
also, for what its worth...i was thinking that telling him about another man would destroy him...and do even mroe harm...

im just trying to me true to my feelinsg ehre...and take care of my children..
did i also mentin that n 2 seoarate occasions myhusband has brougth a women home form the bar to have drinks with...
so..Im glad yorue not judging me.but...?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The point is, if you are hanging out with another guy that "likes you" and your husband is bringing women home for drinks, you are both spending emotional energy on someone other than your spouse. Most would consider that cheating - an emotional affair.

Also, you have to think that you are comparing this other guy to your husband and deciding between the two of them. Only, it's an unfair comparison because you are seeing all the good in your other man, and all the bad in your husband. 

If you have feelings for the other guy, and want to be true to them, consider doing the right thing and letting your husband go. If you can't tell him why, at least let him go with dignity. If you want to make it work with your husband, consider doing the right thing and stop contacting the other man. It will hurt him a great deal if you string him along and then decide you don't have the heart or the cash to leave your husband.

I am not judging you. I fell into this trap for a time when my wife disengaged from me. I couldn't see how selfish I was being until after the fact. I'm sharing my mistake with you in case it helps you in your life.


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