# Two loving and involved parents-separating...child custody plans..Ideas?



## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

My wife and I are separating. We are both equally involved in caring for the children. We both have flexible jobs,etc. I am staying in the marital home. She is moving into a small apartment. Kids take the school bus from the marital home during the week. How do we create a schedule to accommodate this? While maintaining boundaries for a personal life?
Any ideas?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Are the kids staying with you or moving out with your wife


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

Hi- the kids are staying with me- school, comfort, etc
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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I am divorced and we have joint custody. My x wife is the primary person; they are with her more. we aren't exactly big buddies now, although not fighting either; we basically do the silent treatment.

Anyway, we schedule what is best for the kids and us. In other words, we don't pay any attention to the schedule in the divorce papers. We don't worry about having them back by 6:00 and "OMG, she's 2 minutes late," and all that baloney. The lawyer told us that what was in the papers was just the minimum, but we could do whatever we wanted as long as we both agreed.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I left my older daughter's father, we both got our own places and set up a weekly schedule that worked well from her ages of 2 to 11.

I had her M, W, Sat night and Sunday. He had to T, Th, Fri, Saturday day. She was close enough at both houses to be near friends, etc, so it wasn't disruptive to her life. 

On my 'nights off', I had a personal life. 

She moved in with us last year full time--- her choice. Her dad has been making bad choices lately so she decided to live with us full time.  I love it.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

Thanks for your input ! What makes it hard is that the kids will be leaving and coming home from school from the marital home(mine) and she is going to want to be involved during the week --- unless she picks them up from school on her days- if her work schedule allows it? This is tough. Her apartment will be about 10 mins away.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She'll have to arrange her schedule on 'her' days to get them from school. Or put them in an afterschool program until she can get them.

There should be no reason for her to come to your house. I don't think my ex was ever in my home lol. I saw him once a week and that was on Saturday when I picked her up or he dropped her off.

Fine by me.

Now that she's older and has a phone, I think he and I talk once every 3 months. Or not. He calls me on Mother's Day....we plan her birthday in August and we make Christmas arrangements. LOL 3 times a year.

Perfect.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

Our scenario isn't that confrontational at this point. However, I see where you are coming from
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We never fought either.

He just bugged.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

What are your thought on the mornings- I have to get them ready every day myself or she can drive them to school on her days- I'm not sure my kids will want to be driven- the prefer the bus? Ugh!
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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

She is going from a nice home to a nice, but small 1 bedroom apartment-
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, she will drive them then.

I mean, some things have to change. That is one of them.

Will they stay the night at her place? She should have rented a 2 bedroom. I see she isn't planning on really being a mom? I had my daughter part time but had to get a 2 bedroom for the 1/2 week she was with me. I was a mom, even if part time.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

No, she is definitely planning on being a mom, it was more about expenses. This is a temporary living arrangement and if we proceed to get divorced, we will need to sell our house or I'd have to buy her out or visa versa. Knowing my kids( not that it is correct parenting- they would probably share her bed anyway when together)
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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

anyone else have a suggestion?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Considering you will be with the children on a daily basis, you should be very flexible with your wife.

Ask your wife what she would like and work from there.

Are you separating with the intention of working on the marriage or is this step one of a future divorse. I ask because you mentioned "boundries for a personal life" What does this mean?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think you should worry less about a custody "schedule" and arrange things more on the basis of her state of mind and behavior. Not with the intent of punishing her, but in light of her recent actions.

I would worry far more about my children being driven around by a mom who's suddenly drinking, dropping lunches off to her "friend" and all the other kinds of things she's done during this manic phase. I'm assuming that she's still unmedicated and cycling? Even if she seems to have calmed down for now, you really can't count on it being years until you see a manic or depressive cycle again. Untreated bipolar disorder gets worse with age, generally leading to more frequent and extreme cycles. It means that you're likely to bear the brunt of the child care, but I really would put my focus on her ability to appropriately and competently care for the children rather than simple equity.

I have no doubt that she loves her children and wants to be very involved with them. However, given her erratic behavior and increasingly severe mood cycle that led to this separation, love may not be enough for a typical custody plan.


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## invisible30 (Dec 26, 2011)

Thank you so much for that honest approach. I'm also glad you remember me from other posts. Everything you are saying is 100% true. Given my kids are 8&11 it's very hard to explain this to them- I am struggling to be honest and (getting help) so are my kids. I'd love to chat with you sometime? Is that even possible?
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