# Wife Has sexual and Emotional desires with Her best girlfriend



## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

My wife has feeling for her bestfriend that is a girl whom is also married. They have brought up making out several times. They are constantly texting and hanging out together. When I finally confronted her she admitted to kissing her even after they both promised it would never happen. What makes this worse is our families are bestfriends. Our children and I am to her bestfriends husband. 
She admitted to wanting to go further with her sexually. She tells me she doesn't think it is wrong because the are both girls. She refuses to break contact with her and says she never wil,l that I am being unfair. She doesn't understand the loss of trust and how hurt I am. They say it will never happen again and that the feelings will eventually go away.... She tells me I am her forever and would never ruin our family that I have nothing to worry about and shouldn't be upset.


I am soooo lost....


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

Bnu said:


> My wife has feeling for her bestfriend that is a girl whom is also married. They have brought up making out several times. They are constantly texting and hanging out together. When I finally confronted her she admitted to kissing her even after they both promised it would never happen. What makes this worse is our families are bestfriends. Our children and I am to her husband.
> She admitted to wanting to go further with her sexually. She tells me she doesn't think it is wrong because the are both girls. She refuses to break contact with her and says she never will that I am being unfair. She doesn't understand the loss of trust and how hurt I am. They say it will never happen again and that they feelings will eventually go away....
> 
> 
> I am soooo lost....


Why are you allowing this to happen? Gender makes no difference in these matters. An affair is an affair whether it's with a man, woman, transsexual, or alien. If your wife married YOU and she is now actively pursuing someone else with no intent to stop, you need to do some serious thinking.

If this was a man would you be so confused? Or would you be up in arms and demanding that she end it and end it yesterday? The longer you let her get away with this bad behavior the longer she's going to push her limits.

You need to demand no contact. I understand that you have friendships and ties, however your family is more important than friendship. Demand that she give you all passwords to everything, demand that she send a no contact letter. Expose the other woman to her family/spouse (if applicable) and put your foot down. 

And as a note I would like to point out that sexual curiosity is a natural and fine thing. If your wife married you, though, and is experimenting without you or your consent then that is NOT ok. If she wants to play high-school girlfriend makeout session let her do it on her own time and as a divorced woman.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

I agree. That is why I am having such a hard time dealing with this. She thinks it's fine. I am so confused because I am in love with her, she is my wife. I tried explaining what you have said to her but it didn't seem to sink in. Her bestfriend and her husband has had 3somes with other women in the past but my wife has no interest in him... It is just so hard to give up my friend and his kids.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

Bnu said:


> I agree. That is why I am having such a hard time dealing with this. She thinks it's fine. I am so confused because I am in love with her, she is my wife. I tried explaining what you have said to her but it didn't seem to sink in. Her bestfriend and her husband has had 3somes with other women in the past... It is just so hard to give up my friend and his kids.


It may be hard but you absolutely have to right now. You need to explain to her husband that you are NOT comfortable with this, that it absolutely IS a violation of your marriage and your trust, and as a result of his wife's behavior you will be out of contact with him and his family until you feel comfortable enough to resume contact. Don't be surprised if there's the whole "What's the big deal?" spiel and a few bruised feelings.

I understand that you love your wife but she is being horridly selfish in choosing her sexual desires over her marriage. If she cared even half as much about you as you do her, she would have never let the situation go as far as it did.

You should read the 180 that is posted on here and put it into action. If your wife is going to be so unreasonable focus on yourself. Stop giving her attention -- it's what she's looking for. I still say that you should at least file for a separation. Perhaps it will wake her up and force her to get her act together. Then again maybe it won't.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Your wife and her friend are in an emotional affair.

Ask her how she'd feel if you did the same thing with a woman 

Cheaters always rationalise their behavior. They'll say thing like "We didn't have sex" when in fact there was oral. It never ends


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Don't be so naive as to think wifes don't leave their husbands for other women. It happens more than you may realize. 

And even if they don't leave, it can certainly debilitate a marriage; both emotionally and sexually.

I know a man locally who allows his wife to continue her "relationship" with her girlfriend. His wife actually wanted to leave him because of this but she stays in her marriage because her husband begged her to stay and she "just couldn't do that to him. He's such a good husband". Please. Talk about an emasculated beta male.

This woman also used to be friends with my wife (they worked together). In the process of discovering my wifes PA a couple of years ago, I recovered all of her deleted e-mails from the POSOM. From the POSOM's messages, I also learned that this same woman had "tried" to hit on my wife. 

Needless to say that her no contact list includes this woman. My advice is that at what ever point your wife admits sexual or emotional feelings for another woman; you'd better insist the contact ends.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

badmemory said:


> My advice is that at what ever point your wife admits sexual or emotional feelings for another woman; you'd better insist the contact ends.


:iagree: My sentiments exactly. Here's to hoping the OP listens.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

I asked if it was ok to have a emotional attachment to another girl. Or even make out with another woman. She said if that is what you think you need to do. I then explained that would never happen because it is not who I am. She said she doesn't think it would be ok. 
That it would be fun if her friend and I got together (obviously couldn't happen due to her husband and the Respect I have). I then explained that I would never cheat on her even if she accepted it. But then she said I couldn't have "sex" with the other girl.... 

Sorry my thoughts are all over the place


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

Bnu said:


> I asked if it was ok to have a emotional attachment to another girl. Or even make out with another woman. She said if that is what you think you need to do. I then explained that would never happen because it is not who I am. She said she doesn't think it would be ok.
> That it would be fun if her friend and I got together (obviously couldn't happen due to her husband and the Respect I have). I then explained that I would never cheat on her even if she accepted it. But then she said I couldn't have "sex" with the other girl....
> 
> Sorry my thoughts are all over the place


See the double standard here? She doesn't think it would be acceptable for you to be intimate with another woman, yet somehow it's acceptable for her to go muffing about with someone else simply because it's her best friend? PLEASE.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Unless your wife and you had an agreement before marriage that she could have sexual relationships with women, than it is not OK, it is cheating, and it must be stopped ASAP. She wants to be a cake eater, and just because it is with another woman makes no difference.

BTW, would she be alright if you wanted to have sex with another man ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bnu said:


> My wife has feeling for her bestfriend that is a girl whom is also married. They have brought up making out several times. They are constantly texting and hanging out together. When I finally confronted her she admitted to kissing her even after they both promised it would never happen. What makes this worse is our families are bestfriends. Our children and I am to her bestfriends husband.
> She admitted to wanting to go further with her sexually. She tells me she doesn't think it is wrong because the are both girls. She refuses to break contact with her and says she never wil,l that I am being unfair. She doesn't understand the loss of trust and how hurt I am. They say it will never happen again and that the feelings will eventually go away.... She tells me I am her forever and would never ruin our family that I have nothing to worry about and shouldn't be upset.
> 
> 
> I am soooo lost....


No! YOU are not lost. SHE is lost.

She is already ruining the two families, but is too fogbound to see this.

Expose the affair. For this is what it is. A sordid, nasty affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

barbados said:


> BTW, would she be alright if you wanted to have sex with another man ?


I laughed a little as I envisioned the OP bringing another gent' into the picture.

"WIFE this is Brian. We're making out and stuff but he's my best friend so it's ok. You don't like it? Tough."


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Be it male or female, having emotional or physical involvement with any person outside of marriage is cheating. Kissing is physical cheating and if it went that fair already they probably had sex and she is hiding it from you.

Plus she refuses to drop this affair and has no empathy for how it makes you feel.

You are coming to the fork in the road. You can be her trained, obedient husband or you can stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Your choice.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

There cannot be 3 in a marriage. There certainly cannot be 4.

If they want to swing, God be with them. But you have stated plainly that you are not okay with it.

You have established a boundary. Now you must enforce it. Yes, she will act bratty and be mad for a while - you are telling her dessert is not dinner. But she will get over it.

And if she can't.... then you have a whole other problem on your hands.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

I agree with everything. My biggest problem I guess are my two little girls. That is my most difficult issue not wanting to hurt them. 9 mos and 3 yrs... ugh....


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Shoshan1290 said:


> See the double standard here? She doesn't think it would be acceptable for you to be intimate with another woman, yet somehow it's acceptable for her to go *muffing about* with someone else simply because it's her best friend? PLEASE.


Hum, learned a new term today.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> My wife has feeling for her bestfriend that is a girl whom is also married. They have brought up making out several times. They are constantly texting and hanging out together. When I finally confronted her she admitted to kissing her even after they both promised it would never happen. What makes this worse is our families are bestfriends. Our children and I am to her bestfriends husband.
> She admitted to wanting to go further with her sexually. She tells me she doesn't think it is wrong because the are both girls. She refuses to break contact with her and says she never wil,l that I am being unfair. She doesn't understand the loss of trust and how hurt I am. They say it will never happen again and that the feelings will eventually go away.... She tells me I am her forever and would never ruin our family that I have nothing to worry about and shouldn't be upset.
> 
> 
> I am soooo lost....


Why do you feel you need to accept this? Why do you not feel empowered to assert yourself for your marriage? Why would you let another person in your marriage?


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Hum, learned a new term today.


I'm nothing if not creative.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> I agree. That is why I am having such a hard time dealing with this. *She thinks it's fine.* I am so confused because I am in love with her, she is my wife. I tried explaining what you have said to her but it didn't seem to sink in. Her bestfriend and her husband has had 3somes with other women in the past but my wife has no interest in him... It is just so hard to give up my friend and his kids.


Perhaps she will have a 3some with them.

Anyway, I do not get your confusion here. Stop being confused there is nothing confusing about this. Not only is the wife a threat but so is her husband.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Bnu I would look deeper into this. I am betting it has already gone further. I would put a VAR in the car and in the bedroom. I am betting she is talking with the OW while you are not around

I would also suggest MC right away. Your wife does not understand limits.

My SIL left her husband for another woman. It happens


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> I agree with everything. My biggest problem I guess are my two little girls. That is my most difficult issue not wanting to hurt them. 9 mos and 3 yrs... ugh....


If your concern is for your children then you need to stop your wife right now. Think how hurt they will be when you are gone and your wife is shcaking up with her GF and sleeping with her GFs husband with those little girls in the same house. 

Even kids pick up on mommy kicking daddy out to be with other people.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If she admitted to making out, then its already crossed into a PA and they have had full on lesbian sex. This THE most common cheater lie that we see here. We arent in middle school, adults have sex. An affair is an affair. Her denial that there's nothing wrong because they're both girls is ridiculous. This is Trickle Truth, learn about it. 

Either you both go NC with this couple or your marriage is over. She already said she will never go NC which shows how deep this affair is already.

Right now to her, you are just the live in baby sitter.


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> Right now to her, you are just the live in baby sitter.


Harsh but oh-so-common truth.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

I thank you all for the bitter truth...


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

Bnu said:


> I thank you all for the bitter truth...


I know you feel bad, but don't feel so alone. Everyone here is more than willing to talk to you, advise you, and be a friend. It's a good group of people


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

Another problem is that they work together.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

Thank you it's very difficult. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet... Ugh and the kids were supossed to paint Easter Eggs together next week...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> Another problem is that they work together.


No problem at all. That stops today. See this is really quite simple once you get rolling. Once you decide your marriage is the #1 priority this stuff writes itself. Seriously. One has to have boundaraies conuscive with their priorities.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> Thank you it's very difficult. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet... Ugh and the kids were supossed to paint Easter Egg*s together next week...*


Hmmmm. Well that is fine as long as no one is body painting for Easter. Hmmmm. Could be a trend. 

The thing here is you do not have time. You do not have until next week. You may already be a winner. 

Act now.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Bnu said:


> I agree with everything. My biggest problem I guess are my two little girls. That is my most difficult issue not wanting to hurt them. 9 mos and 3 yrs... ugh....


Honestly, so young the damage might be less than if you were dealing with school-age kids.

I'm hoping it won't come to that. Don't take offense, but you sound VERY passive in this marriage. When your wife has enough freedom to decide to swap spit with another woman, lie to you about it, and then DEMAND even more physical contact, she does not respect you as the husband, father, and head of your house. 

(Don't feel bad- it happens to the best of us - we're bred to be this way over the last 40 or so years and it's reinforced all over the place in education and media.)

Having the cajones to set a firm boundary, and making her honor that boundary or else risk the entire marriage, will make her furious at first. She may threaten to leave, or even go off in a huff for a day or two. Make sure she knows that if she does have sex with this woman while she is pouting, the marriage is over. Be clear on this.

But then the funniest thing happens. When she sees you not waver on this point, and then another, and then another, respect begins to grow in her mind. That slowly becomes admiration. Then adulation.

You can fix this, but it will begin to correct itself the moment YOU as the husband step up and take command of your family.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Bnu said:


> Thank you it's very difficult. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet... Ugh and the kids were supossed to paint Easter Eggs together next week...


Good thing kids are very young. You can move them to other friendships without much long-term trauma. For now, it would be good to begin cultivating play dates with other pre-school families/neighbors before you cut out the cheater family completely.

You also could still maintain your friendship with other guy, on a more limited scale - guys night out. She has lost her right to her friendship with the gal pal.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

Thank you again. I needed this. I need to become an alpha, been beaten down for way to long.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

So no showing her this thread... lol?


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

We were supossed to go join the YMCA with them tomorrow. They had the nerve to still ask if I wanted to go. My only reply in the Text was NO.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Bnu,
Crush this like stepping on a grape. I had a coworker once who was in your very shoes. He did not take it head on and d*cked around about it too long then one day his step-daughter told him how mommy and her friend wrestled in the bed when he was gone. He came home early one day and caught his wife and other woman in the sack. He deeply regrets how he stood there like a fool watching it develop and explode right in his face. Your wife is on the fast track to telling you she is a lesbian.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Bnu said:


> Thank you again. I needed this. I need to become an alpha, been beaten down for way to long.


Hey chin up man your caught this before it got ugly. I mean don't get me wrong this situation is already messed up. However you are taking steps early enough that you don't have to see how bad an EA/PA can really get.

The usual steps are 
1 No Contact letter sent to the OW
2 Total transparency all email/passwords, facebook and social media account/passwords, phones and text conversations are to be turned over to you. Any messages from the OW need to be given to you not deleted.
3 You both need to get an MC.
4 expose to the OWH. Tell him that the fun and games have turned into an serious situation and that it has created a mutual emotional and physical affair.
(be prepared for some ignorant FF fantasy situation. HEll he might know and they are grooming your wife for a threesome. that may sound crazy but read a couple hundred affair stories and your concept of crazy tends to become more extreme.)


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Bnu said:


> We were supossed to go join the YMCA with them tomorrow. They had the nerve to still ask if I wanted to go. My only reply in the Text was NO.


Does I imply just you or both of you?


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

When do you draw the line? They are both best friends and females? So whats the next boundary after that? I'm sure they'll push it beyond the limits. 




Cheaters are COMPLETELY reasonable. They ask for an inch at a time, before you know it they're so far out!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Bnu said:


> I agree with everything. My biggest problem I guess are my two little girls. That is my most difficult issue not wanting to hurt them. 9 mos and 3 yrs... ugh....



Its a shame that your wife is not worrying about them like you are. I mean *they only came from her body. 
*

So is that the lesson / example she wants to portray to them ? Listen girls, its OK to cheat, just as long as its with other girls ?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> So no showing her this thread... lol?


No. That is weak. You do not need to show her validation of your feelings. You tell her you have decided this is unacceptable. That has value.

Also why is no one picking up the 3somes this GF has with her hubby?

I think the girl on girl is serious but I am thinking that her hubby is going to be involved here soon enough if not already.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bnu said:


> We were supossed to go join the YMCA with them tomorrow. They had the nerve to still ask if I wanted to go. My only reply in the Text was NO.


Ummmm. If your wife goes you need to go. But your wife should NOT be going.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: Wife Has sexual and Emotional desires with Her best girlfriend*



Entropy3000 said:


> No. That is weak. You do not need to show her validation of your feelings. You tell her you have decided this is unacceptable. That has value.
> 
> Also why is no one picking up the 3somes this GF has with her hubby?
> 
> I think the girl on girl is serious but I am thinking that her hubby is going to be involved here soon enough if not already.


Hell, OWH may already know and is encouraging them. NC with him too-immediately. He's just as toxic as gis wife, the OW.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

She WILL NOT GO! That is all.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

NO CONSEQUENCES TO HER ACTIONS EQUALS NO MOTIVATION TO CHANGE. You need to make it clear that this is a deal breaker for you.

Do not be surprised if she has already had a threesome with this couple since they are in to it. She has already crossed the line with the kissing but be prepared that it has gone way past this. These types of couples enjoy bringing a married person into it. The fact that she said wouldn't it be fun to bring in the female friend with you implies that she probably has already had a threesome with this couple.

I would strongly suggest that you contact an attorney to understand your options. She has already shown her disrespect toward you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you spoken with the husband , or even better just bring it up with all 4 of you there. Lay it out, i have no interest being in an open marriage. My wife thinks its ok for her to have an affair your wife. They admit to making out, I truly believe it has gone further,

I'm looking at filing for D if this doesn't end now.

See if you can leave a var behind and then go away and let them talk.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

She is already getting defensive saying they are going to get mad if you like this and funny &
whatnot


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

So what? What someone else thinks of you is none of your business.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

I agree, and I told her this is about us and the kids.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I'd be proud if a cheating swinging couple with designs on my wife, and plans to wreck my family, got upset that I got in the way of their good time. I'd sleep with a big smile on my face.

This is a war for your family. Take no prisoners.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

She then said and I quote "Like. Really really really? U take things too far, too out of context, wth?!"


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Bnu said:


> Another problem is that they work together.


Have you talked to the other husband about all this?


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

Don't understand 3putt makes it cound like I should party and have lots of sex with randoms


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Don't let her do this. It's called gaslighting. Next you will hear you are too controlling, she's her own person, etc. All of this is part of the script you will get from a cheater.

Her reaction makes me think that she's already been "muffing about". This is the reaction of someone who is trying to keep what she already has, not someone who is curious and wants to experiment.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

Mentioned it a bit to the husband he knows my feelings I think usually listening to music shooting pool and drinking


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Bnu said:


> Don't understand 3putt makes it cound like I should party and have lots of sex with randoms


I mean, is he aware of what the hell your WW's are up to? Or is he just in the dark?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Bnu you worried about losing the husband as a friend? I think you're going to find out, this "friend" already knows your wife in the Biblical sense.

You already lost a friend when your wife gained a threesome partner.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

I think you are right to blind and thought secure.... been through this in the past just tried to pretend it wasn't real


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> Bnu you worried about losing the husband as a friend? I thin you're going to find out, this "friend" already knows your wife in the Biblical sense.
> 
> You already lost a friend when your wife gained a threesome partner.


You said what I was thinking.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

If the husband doesn't care about this, then YOU HAVE NO FRIEND TO LOSE.


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## Bnu (Mar 20, 2013)

the only arguement is I am always there when all 3 are together usually there before he gets home. As far as I know. But pretty positive


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Can you check her text messages and email? Does she have FB?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Bnu said:


> the only arguement is I am always there when all 3 are together usually there before he gets home. As far as I know. But pretty positive


The fact that he's cool with it happening means he is not your friend. I highly doubt that it's all just talk so far. Your wife is way too protective of the physical contact for her not to have already sampled.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Bnu said:


> the only arguement is I am always there when all 3 are together usually there before he gets home. *As far as I know.* But pretty positive


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The thiung about the NC is it must be complete, even by thrid parties.
The whole family must go. 
And her work must go.
Sorry man.

Be very firm on you rules.
NC
Complete transparence in comunication devices ans whereabouts (you still snoop on her back).
Full disclosure (there are more than kisses, she's just testing your reaction).

This or divorce.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

A keylogger on the computer and a VAR in the car will most likely give you truth about how far this has really gone.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

If she will not except your boundaries and continues to see her lover against your wishes, what will you do besides pout???

You must be willing to divorce her before you try to reconcile. That means you draw the line and show her how serious you are on this matter and how you will not compromise with her the toxic friends.

She must make a choice, You or her "Friend". There is no way your marriage will work if they stay in contact. She has already violated your trust and the marriage. I wouldn't trust the ow husband at all, and you must consider that he could've already had a threesome with your wife. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. REMEMBER THAT.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Bnu said:


> My wife has feeling for her bestfriend that is a girl whom is also married. They have brought up making out several times. They are constantly texting and hanging out together. When I finally confronted her she admitted to kissing her even after they both promised it would never happen. What makes this worse is our families are bestfriends. Our children and I am to her bestfriends husband.
> She admitted to wanting to go further with her sexually. She tells me she doesn't think it is wrong because the are both girls. She refuses to break contact with her and says she never wil,l that I am being unfair. She doesn't understand the loss of trust and how hurt I am. They say it will never happen again and that the feelings will eventually go away.... She tells me I am her forever and would never ruin our family that I have nothing to worry about and shouldn't be upset.
> 
> 
> I am soooo lost....


Get a divoooooorce


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to do the homework now. VAR in the car, bedroom, keylogger on the computer.


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

It's a slippery slope she headed down and certainly bad enough now with her going outside her marriage for additional satisfaction. The other couple, the husband and wife both, are not healthy for your continued relationship with your wife. Sever the connection. No contact even for Easter eggs.

Seasalt


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I'm wondering what kind of night Bnu had. It seemed like last night he was fighting with his wife over this and posting here at the same time.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You need to get your wife to a MC asap. It is likely that she either has been raised to believe that women can't cheat with other women or has completely justified her actions. You are not going to get through to her. Ask her questions like do you love her? Do you tell her things that you normally would only tell me? Ask her if she finds her self trying to find herself alone with the other woman? Ask her if you are her best friend?

When she starts answering these questions No I don't love her. Yes I tell her things she's my best friend. No but we hang out alot because we are friends. Yes she is my best friend. 

Okay well friends don't kiss lovers do. So since you are kissing and are willing to go further then you are lovers. So you tell your lover things you don't tell me. You are best friends with your lover and not with me. And you try to find time to be alone with your lover and not with me. 

And if she says it was a one time thing. Reply so If I told you I made out with a Bob from across the street. I told you we were best friends. and We liked to hang out alot "what do you think you would do?"
What if I told you the same thing except instead of bob it was his wife. 
Which one do you think would bother you the most?


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## anchorman (Mar 21, 2013)

Long time lurker, first time poster.

I jumped off the fence and decided to post because this situation is almost identical to what I went through a couple of years ago with my wife. 

Her friendship with her best friend turned sexual behind my back. Our families did everything together, vacation, camping, dinners, you name it. 

So my perspective may be a little different. Some things are worth fighting for and your marriage and family have to be on the top of that list. However, in my case, I never felt my marriage was in danger or that my wife didn't love me. Obviously, my marriage needed more work than either one of us were putting into it at the time and we recognized that and changed that and things are good now. However, as I said, some things are worth fighting for and relationships with those you love outside of your immediate family may also rise to the level of being worth fighting for. 

If so then this is a discussion that the four of you (both couples) need to have. Just like both you and your wife have to be committed to making your marriage work, both couples (all four people) have to be equally committed to making the relationship work because the good that comes from your relationship still outweighs the bad. 

In my case, I had the discussion with the other husband and while our wives had no contact, he and I did, we even let the kids get together to play. In the end, though he didn't think he could ultimately get past some of the things and we parted. I respected his decision and we all moved on. I could write a book on the whole ordeal but in short, my wife and I first had to work through our issues, which we did and come to terms that we couldn't base our future or happiness on whether we could ever reconcile with the other couple. But I know I still grieve that loss from our life. I loved their children like I love my own. I really saw us all 4 growing old together. 

I know many will disagree, but for me, it was different because it was a same-sex affair. I didn't feel threatened, I didn't feel unloved. I can say that my wife didn't have a sexual identity crisis, it was something that started off as a deep emotional connection and spiraled out of control into the physical realm over time. 

My advice to the OP, is to first get into both individual and marriage counseling for both you and your wife. Hopefully the other couple will too. You both need to fix what is broken in your marriage and then decide if your relationship with the other couple is valuable enough to salvage. If so, then that is another level of commitment that all four of you have to fight for together. If just one of the four of you can't or doesn't want to fight for that then it won't work. That person could be you and your wife needs to be okay with that. The first priority is, your wife must be willing to choose you and your marriage over the other relationship and willing to lose the other one for your marriage to work but I believe that just as marriages are reconciled, relationships that are built on more than just sex also have the possibility to be reconciled.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

dfferent scenerio here. the owh is into his wife having sex with women. bob and the owh is not on the same page. you dont comprimise cheating with another couple and to keep a friendship. no trust would ever be gained. Anchorman thats why your friend bailed out because it didn't feel right to him. you view same sex affairs differently but most of us especially on this board views it one and the same. (my opinion)
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