# Can women REALLY "have it all?"



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I feel duped by the message I received growing up that women can have it all. how can women REALLY work full time, buy groceries, help kids with homework, clean, cook, maintain their appearance, and still have the energy for their husbands. World love to hear from anyone Who can do this and still has a great sex life and kids that arent failing school.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Show me a woman who thinks she's getting all of this and making it work and I'll show you "someone" in her life who thinks she's failing at making it work. Often the husband, but sometimes the kids or the job or even herself.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You only hear part of the story. They left out the parents giving them $200,000 and a house, getting a housekeeper and nanny, tons of a support, a job they really don't need to cover the bills.

And of course they're lying. All their children aren't perfect and their husbands are heels.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> I feel duped by the message I received growing up that women can have it all. how can women REALLY work full time, buy groceries, help kids with homework, clean, cook, maintain their appearance, and still have the energy for their husbands. World love to hear from anyone Who can do this and still has a great sex life and kids that arent failing school.


Ahhh the message was skewed upon delivery. It should be.

A Woman can work full time, and with equal help from her Husband, maintain a house (cleaning, groceries cooking) raise well adjusted and successful children. And by balancing with her husband they both can maintain their appearance and in turn have enough energy for each other.

A woman, or a man, can't do EVERYTHING without help. I'm not detracting from single parents. Unfortunately, they usually have to sacrifice something to hold up those responsibilities.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Put your husband last on that priority list and you could easily find yourself one of growing millions of single women living in for-real poverty. Statistically, the smartest route to prosperity for a woman starts with keeping a stable marriage. It's also statistically the best route to making sure kids grow up well-educated, well-adjusted, and crime free.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes we can have it all!

Just not all at the same time....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

On Time
On Budget
Acceptable Quality


Pick TWO.


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## ItMatters (Jun 6, 2012)

I’m trying. 

I appear to have it all but our marriage is on the rocks- counseling for +1yr now…

A typical day for me is up at 6, get kids up/out the door and me at work by 8. Get home by 6, help with homework, get dinner, and kids in bed by 9-930. I try to be in bed between 1030-11 and the cycle starts again. I also try to fit some exercise in there. My spouse does get up soon after me and will help a bit in the morning- but he’s often not home till 630-7. Dinner is up to me unless we want pizza or chicken nuggets because he doesn’t cook. 

There’s very little ‘me’ time or ‘couple’ time in that schedule. I don’t think it’s possible to have the full picture unless your spouse is in there contributing just as much as you are… and that’s one of the missing pieces to me.


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## Prayngirl (Sep 10, 2012)

I think the saying was "you can have it all" not" you can do it all." 
Yes, having it all at some point in our life is an option. When we can afford help or learn to barter with a neighbor. Keep in mind, having it "all" must comprise "your sanity." This is the one thing women take for granted and place on the back burner until it is too late and our gasket is blowing. 

Doing it yourself without the help of your spouse and kids (beyond toddlers) is unrealistic if you too are working a full time job. Review and see which scenario best fits you.

a. The woman who does what she wants to do all day be it watch soaps, play BINGO, computer or schedules late meetings or agrees to work late night after night. This woman needs to redefine her priorities or the stress will kill her. 

b. The woman who expects perfection and will unlikely be satisfied with her efforts and continues to put undue stress on herself. This woman may need professional help to discover her need for perfection. She may be able to start reading books and learn more and help herself out of this unhealthy way of living. Tis woman will never be satisfied and very likely her children will never be able to satisfy her either.

c. The woman who is doing all she knows to do and still hasn't got enough time in her day. Look at all the things on your plate. Saying "no" may be the one word you need to add in your vocabulary. Resign some of the things you said yes to. Make the children and husband your priority and let the other clubs do without your creative ideas this year. Really evaluate where you can trim some fat somto give yourself extra time during your day or week. Keep in mind not eliminating your best de-stressor ie: Zumba or that hot bath. 

All of us need to writing down our priorities and goals for the week so we can attempt to put things in perspective, especially running errands. When theybare all laid out before us we can plan our strategy. 

It also may benefit us to google so to gain some insight on being more efficient and more organized. The fact is the time needed to accomplish each task is the only thing we may have some control over. Spending an hour on the phone might not be an issue if you can multi-task. Be aware multi-tasking should never be a way of life. Multi-taskers often have difficulty escaping it and entering back into the present. When our mind is always elsewhere we lose sight that life is going on around us. Then one day our chIldren are Seniors in High School. I was one of them. I have had to deal with my regret. Google "mindfulness" and learn how to get back into enjoying the moment at hand. 

The wonderful way that few of us are privy to is a housekeeper even if it is just for the dusting, bathrooms and changing linens. This might be a small price to pay for some valuable time with hubby, play time with kids or free time for yourself. Now women are bartering shopping for cleaning and cooking in groups and exchanging meals for the week. 

Being women it seems selfish, but if we do not learn to take some time for ourselves, even 30-60 min out per day (preferably in morning) to work on our stress with some type of exercise we are unlikely to ever be content and find peace in our overwhelming life of unending list of "to dos."

Good Luck. Hang in there. God never said it would be easy but He did say it would be worth it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

ItMatters said:


> I’m trying.
> 
> I appear to have it all but our marriage is on the rocks- counseling for +1yr now…
> 
> ...


This would be a perfect time to repost my original thoughts.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Yes we can have it all!
> 
> Just not all at the same time....


Lol...you aint kidding. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> I feel duped by the message I received growing up that women can have it all. how can women REALLY work full time, buy groceries, help kids with homework, clean, cook, maintain their appearance, and still have the energy for their husbands. World love to hear from anyone Who can do this and still has a great sex life and kids that arent failing school.


The short answer is "No, you can't have it all." In your scenario you are doing most of the work so that obviously isn't even possible. In my scenario I did half of the house work (all the food shopping, 80% of the cooking, half of the cleaning, 20% of the laundry) and it still didn't work. Why? My wife set goals that were unattainable. She worked in a demanding job and volunteered for every frigging' school event. If there were no volunteers for a PTO position they called her and she was unable to say no. 

So the problem wasn't how much assistance she had at home. It was that she didn't take a step back and figure out her priorities. She tried to get validation from a bunch of catty, witchy women. I lost a lot of respect for her at that point. Family is always more important and volunteer organizations will bleed you dry if you give them half a chance.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My parents did that. Both worked at blue collar jobs until retirement because they _had _to, and raised 2 kids who graduated college with honors and did not end up as serial killers.

They did not take any Zumba classes, however. Nor did they take "weekend getaways". They gardened for pleasure (and vegetables), and my mom's hobbies are sewing and knitting while my dad's are woodworking and reading...all done at home.

My sister and I were required to pitch in with all household stuff as soon as we were physically able to vacuum and dust, as well as tall enough to put clothes in the washer, etc. That included helping with the weeding and gardening. I did lots and lots of baby-sitting for my sister while they worked.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

missymrs80 said:


> I feel duped by the message I received growing up that women can have it all. how can women REALLY work full time, buy groceries, help kids with homework, clean, cook, maintain their appearance, and still have the energy for their husbands. World love to hear from anyone Who can do this and still has a great sex life and kids that arent failing school.


Well I for one couldn't do it and I tried. Seriously I tried. I cracked under the pressure and was yelling at everyone. I was seriously stressed. Ended up quitting my job after 3.5 years as a working mother. Yes I failed at living up to the worlds standards.

My mother pulled off everything (including the sex) on your list except for her appearance. She ate her stress and was fat. She also struggled with frustration/anger and often took it out on me when my dad wasn't around.

Oh and my mom also had it easy with the grades because my sister and I are both highly intelligent. That was one thing off her to do list.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Oh and my mom also had it easy with the grades because my sister and I are both highly intelligent. That was one thing off her to do list.


And modest, too. 

Kidding...


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

That depends on what having it all means to a person.
I have it all in the fact that I am married to a great guy, we are strong & healthy, have 3 smart, beautiful & healthy kids, we own a home & travel on occasion..That's all I want
If I wanted to work, now that all my kids are in school, I could, but that doesn't fit into my definition of having it all..although traditionally that's what the term means- Successful career & happy family.
Both of those, together at the same time..probably challenging- in my case, something would have to give & drop to the bottom of the priority list & I always refused to allow that to happen to my husband or family..which is why I have not worked in a long while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> And modest, too.
> 
> Kidding...


Okay that did come across as braggy. Sorry. My IQ is above average and school came easy to me. My sister was in the gifted program.

Now the rest of our lives? Total train wrecks both of us. Hence why my sister is on Prozac and why I've needed 3 years and counting of IC.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Okay that did come across as braggy. Sorry. My IQ is above average and school came easy to me. My sister was in the gifted program.
> 
> Now the rest of our lives? Total train wrecks both of us. Hence why my sister is on Prozac and why I've needed 3 years and counting of IC.


I can relate. I come from a family of nerds, and while it does help in some areas, it is of absolutely no help in others. It might even be detrimental in others.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

VermisciousKnid said:


> I can relate. I come from a family of nerds, and while it does help in some areas, it is of absolutely no help in others. It might even be detrimental in others.


Yes. I'd happily trade some IQ for EQ or people skills. Some days I hate being an introverted nerd.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

There is usually a way to make it work. 
I only had one child. But I worked full time, went to school at night part time, was single off and on , had two long term live in relationships. 

My son needed tons of help with school.

Lots of little things i did to keep sane.
I cooked lots on Sundays. We didn't do take out. 
I made freezer meals. Timsaver during the week.

We both got up early on Saturdays, did the laundry, studying, and couple time. For a long time, "laundry" was code for intimacy.
By the time the stores opened, house was in order, kiddo was awake, and there was time to do stuff as a family. 


The sacrifice was not being able to stay up really late on Saturday nights. But not sleeping late on Sunday either meant getting up Monday was easier.

I don't think I slept in until my son was 18?

And yeah, I cracked more than once. I only had one kid... I can't imagine more than that. I had my hands full with keeping my own health in line. 

I negotiated extra days off at every job I"ve ever had. That's the only way heavy cleaning and naps got covered off.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

...lol...''laundry" is our code too 
Our garage is the only quiet place we can steal away to during the day when the kids run amuck..
"C'mon, babe, I need some help with the laundry," hehe....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm sure the "you can have it all" concept never precluded help.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I'm sure the "you can have it all" concept never precluded help.


I once got caught up in the perfect woman description in the bible. The proverbs 31 woman. 

And then I realized she had servants.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, my mom did the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, taught me and my sister basic piano, then drove us to our lessons, did the grocery shopping, took care of the savings and college plans (dad took care of bills) and who know's what else. And my dad snored at night, so I doubt my mom ever got a good night's sleep.
My mom had the work ethic of "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Think she passed it on to me... 

Haven't talked to my mom in years, but I bet if I asked her what she thought of those years, she wouldn't give me a happy answer.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

karma*girl said:


> That depends on what having it all means to a person.
> I have it all in the fact that I am married to a great guy, we are strong & healthy, have 3 smart, beautiful & healthy kids, we own a home & travel on occasion..That's all I want
> If I wanted to work, now that all my kids are in school, I could, but that doesn't fit into my definition of having it all..although traditionally that's what the term means- Successful career & happy family.
> Both of those, together at the same time..probably challenging- in my case, something would have to give & drop to the bottom of the priority list & I always refused to allow that to happen to my husband or family..which is why I have not worked in a long while.


I think so much like YOU Karma*Girl .... Another Traditional woman here.... I never wanted a career... I just wanted FAMILY, the togetherness of Romance with my husband "hand in hand"...and a simple lifestyle .... 










As a women, a mother, a wife.... I feel completely Fullfilled....Love living in the country.....the trees, green grass, the peace & quiet, seeing the deer on the hill, turkeys walking past with their babies...can't see our neighbors, can't even see the road, a big old farmhouse, and a suburban full of kids ... They are turning out fine young men with passions of their own....our daughter -she is in gymnastics -maybe she'll want to be a cheerleader, time will tell .... but we're here for her in every way. 

I have the love of friends, the love of family, we've managed to become debt free by our last son, we've always taken family vacations & for the last 3 yrs...now Romantic vacations too...

I do all the Womanly stuff...while he is at work ...all the scheduling, keeping a calendar to avoid chaos with our family of 8 -lots of running ...do all bills/check writing, cleaning, cooking, laundry, organizing, doc visits, we shop together sometimes, I shop online for all the best deals to be had for big purchases, managing our $$ carefully, he allows me in full charge, he probably hasn't written a check in yrs. 

(and I am on TAM inbetween all of these chores )

And he does all the manly stuff I can't do (snow plowing, chain sawing, auto repairs/painting, roofs, building stuff , he is my handy man)









..... I help him when he needs a helping hand..or one of the boys... but I never expect him to do "my stuff" .... I try to get everything done while he is at work, so he can relax and our evening is free..for watching a movie with the kids, taking an outing for ice cream, whatever, neither of us feel stressed, even with our large family. 

( I have a few small side jobs too , just a few extra thousand I bring in a year)

He does help the kids with thier homework though, they prefer Dad's help over mine- while I clean up after supper, so it all works out. 



> *Mavash said *: I once got caught up in the perfect woman description in the bible. The proverbs 31 woman.
> 
> And then I realized she had servants.


Are you serious ~~ I never thought about that, but I bet you are right ! I've always felt the Proverbs 31 woman is an excellent example to uphold, it has never offended me personally... I tend to think the only thing missing in that whole spill is.... not expressing how she ought to please her husband sexually --but yeah... I am a little DIRTY minded sometimes !!


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## leopardprint (Sep 10, 2012)

You can have it all but with help.

I know it's hard to ask because for a woman there is a lot of pressure to live up to the traditional woman and the modern woman. 

Or sometimes, you just have to choose your priorities.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping for us. I make sure my husband is taken care of and is happy. I also run my own business. BUT I do not have children. That's just what I chose!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Women can't have it all.
Neither can men.

Everyone has to prioritize things in their life.

Once you define your priorities in life, once you live to your values and priorities, once you are in control of what is important to you.... Guess what? You then have it all.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP - I wasn't aware that we had a choice ...!


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Missymrs80,

First of all, Kudos to you for caring so much about your family and for having time for your husband. Second of all I am a dude, so please don't throw stones. You didn't really ask for advice to fix the problem, but as a dude I can't help but throw some pointers your way. It's the annoying thing we do.

1) Everybody else has said it pretty much, but no you can't have it all. Like some wise people said, prioritize it so you have what you want 
2) Know this. Of all those people that seem to have it all, most don't. The ones that do, only have it some of the time and that is because they prioritize.
3) I'm gonna get stones thrown at me, but here it goes: Put your husband first (I'm not saying you don't) and kids second. Put marriage first (both of you) and then the kids. Things got really bad for my wife and I for a while, nearing separation. The kids picked up on things really quickly and I could see our poor marriage starting to really affect them even though none of our friends knew things were bad.
4) Make the kids work/help out. My wife and I were doing laundry all the time, getting sick of washing/folding clothes that kids were too lazy to put back on the hangars. Guess what we found? Kids are totally capable of doing their own laundry. (her idea) (well, okay that depends on age somewhat), but American culture is way too child centered and we are raising selfish, spoiled brats!!!! (okay, stepping off soap box) Our kids have multiple chores to do and they are more than capable. It is just hard initially to enforce things. We aren't perfect at this, by any means.
4) Don't be a martyr. This is kind of an a--hole thing to say, but I hear women complain all the time about having to run to this practice or that when they are the ones who force things on their kids or don't show restraint. (I know dads do it also, but I think women are much worse) With my wife for instance I think "You signed our daughter up for gymnastics, dance, and volleyball. Really? Which would our daughter rather do? (play with the neighbor friends for an hour 3 times a week after school or practice gymnastics?" I'm just saying don't commit unless the child really desires it and even then, no more than one sport/extracurricular activity or whatever a season"
5) Your husband may need a reality check if he's not helping out much. But a good husband will bust his a-- whatever way he can at work and at home if his wife makes him her first priority.


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## Dr.D (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh and whoever made that Proverbs 31 comment is pretty funny!


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

I don't believe that women can "have it all". When they try, some area of their life is left lacking. 

I was raised by a working mother and she was the most miserable and stressed out person I knew. She took out her anger on her kids and it left us traumatized by the abusive words and hitting. I don't even want children and I know that comes from the mother I had.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

my wife is a SAHM, all the kids are in school and have been for 7+ years. our house is a debacle, mostly because of her crap. she claims over and over that she just doesnt have time to deal with alot of it. recently, she took on a volunteer job (unpaid) that she has thrown herself into headlong, she spends at least 40 hours a week researching things while the rest of the house just rots. all of a sudden she has all this time for her new project but prior to that she didnt have anytime for the mundane stuff around the house.

today we had a fight because she told me she needs help, and i unloaded on her about the above. she has no explanation, no defense and basically got her mouth shutup bigtime.

if you asked her this question, im sure you would get a completely different answer. reality is that peoples lot in life, there opinion of their existence, often leaves the truth at the door. life is hard, you tend to deprioritize that which has become unimportant to you. 

if my wife really wanted to improve things, she could, she has plenty of time, she just refuses to see it. she seems to thrive on the fact that she is swamped and out of control busy, but she isnt.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Dr.D said:


> 4) Don't be a martyr. This is kind of an a--hole thing to say, but I hear women complain all the time about having to run to this practice or that when they are the ones who force things on their kids or don't show restraint. (I know dads do it also, but I think women are much worse) With my wife for instance I think "You signed our daughter up for gymnastics, dance, and volleyball. Really? Which would our daughter rather do? (play with the neighbor friends for an hour 3 times a week after school or practice gymnastics?" I'm just saying don't commit unless the child really desires it and even then, no more than one sport/extracurricular activity or whatever a season"
> .


No, martyr is an apt description. The kids usually don't need or even want to be involved in that many activities but the parents are convinced that they need to be because other parents are over scheduling their kids too. It's like a competition - a keep up with the Joneses kind of thing. And failing to recognize this or be the family that bucks the trend, the parents allow themselves to feel like victims of the insane treadmill. 

And parent volunteer groups make it worse. Not only are the kids over scheduled, the parents are, too.


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Ahhh the message was skewed upon delivery. It should be.
> 
> A Woman can work full time, and with equal help from her Husband, maintain a house (cleaning, groceries cooking) raise well adjusted and successful children. And by balancing with her husband they both can maintain their appearance and in turn have enough energy for each other.
> 
> A woman, or a man, can't do EVERYTHING without help. I'm not detracting from single parents. Unfortunately, they usually have to sacrifice something to hold up those responsibilities.


This goes both ways show me a man who has everything and I bet he has a very supportive wife or woman in his life. When it comes to domestic stuff both parties should share the load, then there is more time for both partners to enjoy the kids, the house and most importantly each other.
Just a note I don't think there is a sure fire way to raise well balanced adjusted kids, they are all different and so much of parenting is based on changing times and circumstances, the best you can do (my opinion) is to try to instill a good sense of values and a healthy self esteem after that the rest is up to them. Oh and let them know you love them every single day no matter what.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The concept that women are prevented from "having it all" by males is one that annoys the hell out of me.

The logic goes that women are forced to raise kids therefore they cannot make it as far as men in the business world.

No person who prioritizes their career over their family is a good parent. No one can be or have all things at the same time. Men are no different than women.

What is totally screwed up is that the concept of doing a good job raising a child, or being a spouse, is not considered "having it all", when its universally agreed that people are more important than money.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> The concept that women are prevented from "having it all" by males is one that annoys the hell out of me.
> 
> The logic goes that women are forced to raise kids therefore they cannot make it as far as men in the business world.
> 
> ...


As a mother myself, I have to say that I don't think being one makes me a hero. Raising good children doesn't mean "I have it all". Billions of women before me have been so and no, I don't deserve a prize for doing what I chose to do. If I had a dime for every time I heard a woman say "I take care of my kids", I'd be a wealthy woman. Fathers are included in all of this as well. If I had a dime for every time I heard a father say "I provide for them", same thing. You're supposed to be a decent parent. Wanting a warm fuzzy because you are, is in the words of Chris Rock: expecting a pat on the back because you never went to jail. 

Being a parent is hard work, I know this very well. Thinking it is "having it all" is pretty ridiculous though. Tell this to the billions who work in rice fields or sweat shops along side their children. I don't respect anybody for being a parent, I respect them for other things they do however.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I was busy at work today and my husband called as he's working a 4pm - 12am shift at work as they're launching a campaign on Monday. I told him I had to call him back. He was upset because we're watching my parents' dog which got dropped off while he was home and caused our cat to scratch the hell out of him. He doesn't get upset easily but made me want to giggle because the scenario had upset him so much.
> 
> I was really, really busy and barely had time to think but picked up my cell phone when my middle son's (12 yrs) school called because I was afraid something had happened. Turns out that in only week two of school he's "disorganized and not doing his work". Asked teacher what I could do and then thanked him for the early connection and told him to call anytime there's an issue.
> 
> ...


You also work a full time job helping children who don't have a voice and need others to help them, on top of raising your own 3 children. You just rock. You are amazing because you care, not about your own but about all who need a chance.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Hicks said:


> The concept that women are prevented from "having it all" by males is one that annoys the hell out of me.



That reminds me of the Virginia Slims ads of the 70's where the cigarette companies used that notion to victimize women. 

They could have said, "Yes ladies...You too can be as stupid as a man. Start smoking" but that wouldn't have sold.

Instead they used the notion that part of the 'All' that men were preventing them from having was smoking. -And that did sell.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

ocotillo said:


> That reminds me of the Virginia Slims ads of the 70's where the cigarette companies used that notion to victimize women.
> 
> They could have said, "Yes ladies...You too can be as stupid as a man. Start smoking" but that wouldn't have sold.
> 
> Instead they used the notion that part of the 'All' that men were preventing them from having was smoking. -And that did sell.


Breathtaking Ocotillo. Yup, women are the ones who are subject to suggestion. 

The Marlboro Man debuted in 1955. By 1957 sales were up 300% because being seen with a Marlboro cigarette meant he was a real man. In fact, they flat out said if you smoke anything else, you aren't. The campaign lasted for 37 years. It must have worked. 

Are you REALLY comparing tobacco to rights? I mean the Big 6 used to say smoking was good for our health. Oh, nevermind.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I work but I'm home by 3 (teacher). 
I get the kids, clean up, cook, do laundry, and get my papers graded while helping with homework.
H is home around 6:30. We eat, put the kids to bed by 9, then hang out for about an hour or so together.

I'm sure I've made sacrifices...and missed out on things, but I am feeling a good balance.

Marriage (which includes myself) kids, house, work. That's my order of priorities.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Dr. D,

No kids yet, just nieces and nephews  i agree tho. H goes before anyone and i mean anyone. I just have a hard time imagining it all working out to be me doing it all. I love my job and worked hard to get to where i am and spent easily hundreds of thousands on my education. And i just wonder if there will come a point when i need to give it up.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Trenton said:


> You embarrass me but thank you for feeling that what I do is important. There are many people doing meaningful jobs. It is easier to be grateful if you love what you do.
> 
> I think this idea that we have no control over our lives or feel we're inadequate or have been dealt a sour hand is really self defeating. It generally is more about determination, persistence and a clear understanding and vision of what we want.
> 
> If we can't define what we want and instead sum it up as just wanting it all, we're sure to be disappointed.


I loved reading your post. Btw, what is your job?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can be the best mom and still have people who grow up to be awful.

Some of the worst moms raise good people. My husband is one of them. Cats are better than his mom.

Is it mean that I didn't sign my older daughter up for anything? She never wanted to do anything, and I wasn't going to bust my ass, and spend money so she could complain 24/7...which is what she did when we tried soccer in 3rd grade. I was stressed, she didn't want to do it and it was a cluster-eff. She took art lessons, which she loves...and that's it. I only did two things-- piano and softball...Mom took me to piano, Dad coached my teams, but I wanted to do both.

I think our little one will start dance next year. But she wants to.

I also refused to buy a bigger house :rofl: I knew I'd be the one cleaning it most of the time and I know my limits!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trenton said:


> You embarrass me but thank you for feeling that what I do is important. There are many people doing meaningful jobs. It is easier to be grateful if you love what you do.
> 
> I think this idea that we have no control over our lives or feel we're inadequate or have been dealt a sour hand is really self defeating. It generally is more about determination, persistence and a clear understanding and vision of what we want.
> 
> If we can't define what we want and instead sum it up as just wanting it all, we're sure to be disappointed.


You got it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Trenton said:


> I work for an org that advocates for the human rights of children in foster care.


Trenton 2020. :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, you have to make yourself a priority.

You have to learn when to say no. 

We are only human. I don't do it ALL, but I do enough.

(I wrote this to a response that has since been deleted. lol! Just talkin' to mahself.)


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, you have to make yourself a priority.
> 
> You have to learn when to say no.
> 
> ...


This is wise.

A wise person can have it ALL because they know that they have the power to define what ALL is. Enough is ALL.

So it has been said that feminism is about choice. Awesome. That is wonderful. Ultimately choice while being a victory of its own requires one to choose wisely to get the most out of it. I suggest that one lives their life by their own choices and not by someone elses agenda has a chance to have enough. Which is in reality having it ALL.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Yes^^^ ALL is so subjective...individually defined. 

But I believe everyone would agree that whatever their 'ALL' is, it is ultimately your true happiness..which is the REAL goal!

The purpose of life, IMO, is to enjoy it! When I find my joy, I am happy, I feel fulfilled & feel I have enough..not too much, because for me, too much is too complicated & stressful.

It's just enough but at the same time feels like I have it all 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> I feel duped by the message I received growing up that women can have it all. how can women REALLY work full time, buy groceries, help kids with homework, clean, cook, maintain their appearance, and still have the energy for their husbands. World love to hear from anyone Who can do this and still has a great sex life and kids that arent failing school.


I did this the first year of my marriage. I was exhausted since we just had a baby. My husband had been really begging me to stay home and raise our children. I didn't think we'd make it financially, but at that moment of time he was given a 10% raise! Everything was falling into place, so I got the guts to put in my two weeks notice. I thoroughly enjoyed working! It took me two years to adjust to the homemaker life.

I have to say that I after a few years at home I was starting to really enjoy the peacefulness of not working. I am/was a very active woman, so everything was done by the time my husband returned home. I was even able to manage a 6 mile run in everyday. I felt on top of the world and the luckiest woman ever.

Then a few years ago I broke my neck. It took some time to adjust to the daily pain. This pain is very severe to the point where it puts me into full blown panic attacks. Those are frightening and I've never experienced anxiety before. My husband has always been my biggest support. He's always showing me love, support, kindness, and he's taken on many of my duties as a homemaker wife. 

I still feel that I have it all. I have the most supporting and loving husband. My world would come to an end without him. Since my life slowed down to a halt, I've taken more time to focus on our marriage and am always trying to improve myself at becoming a better wife. Coming here to this site has given me insight of how a man thinks and what I can do to brighten his day.

I no have hobbies at home to keep me going the best I can. I'm pretty much housebound and only leave for dr appointments. I do feel like I'm the luckiest women with having such a wonderful supportive husband. He's also my ultimate best friend as well.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Being a parent is hard work, I know this very well. Thinking it is "having it all" is pretty ridiculous though. Tell this to the billions who work in rice fields or sweat shops along side their children. I don't respect anybody for being a parent, I respect them for other things they do however.


Raising a child takes focus, mental and physical energy and time. Being a husband or a wife takes focus, mental and physical energy and time. Being a volunteer takes mental and physical energy and time. Being a friend takes mental and physical energy and time. Jobs take mental and physical energy and time.

Human beings only have finite mental energy, physical energy and time. Very few have the energy and time required to be good at all of the above.

To "have it all" in my opinion is to be self aware of what it is you personally want to focus on, and instead of tryng to be or do too many things, you are confident in the choices you personally make.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Trenton said:


> I work for an org that advocates for the human rights of children in foster care.


I am in the helping profession as well (is that ok to put you in that category?) and i worry about burn out all the time.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Breathtaking Ocotillo. Yup, women are the ones who are subject to suggestion.


Human beings as a group are subject to suggestion to a staggering degree. And the susceptibility of men to the marketing techniques of the tobacco companies was more than subsumed by the statement, "_You too can be as stupid as men._" 






Therealbrighteyes said:


> Are you REALLY comparing tobacco to rights? I mean the Big 6 used to say smoking was good for our health. Oh, nevermind.


Not at all. Appealing to a person's sympathy towards a worthy cause is the bait on the hook for every good scam. Stop and think about it. 

I have not made an original observation here. The fact that the tobacco companies perverted the cause of women's rights and shamelessly used it to manipulate women to smoke in larger numbers was documented at length in the _Psychology Of Women_ quarterly. If you're familiar with this publication, you know that it is one of the most authoritative and scholarly feminist resources around. The observation is actually that of female academicians and clinicians, not my own, so I'm genuinely puzzled at the reply.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I have it all by my own personal definition  

a happy,old soul,loving,kind child. a great job. no debt. and enough free time to throw myself into dog rescue activities and fostering.

some might say i don't have it all bc i don't own my home and i don't have a man in my life. 

i say they can mind their own life and leave mine alone


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> As a mother myself, I have to say that I don't think being one makes me a hero. Raising good children doesn't mean "I have it all". Billions of women before me have been so and no, I don't deserve a prize for doing what I chose to do. If I had a dime for every time I heard a woman say "I take care of my kids", I'd be a wealthy woman. Fathers are included in all of this as well. If I had a dime for every time I heard a father say "I provide for them", same thing. You're supposed to be a decent parent. Wanting a warm fuzzy because you are, is in the words of Chris Rock: expecting a pat on the back because you never went to jail.
> 
> Being a parent is hard work, I know this very well. Thinking it is "having it all" is pretty ridiculous though. Tell this to the billions who work in rice fields or sweat shops along side their children. I don't respect anybody for being a parent, I respect them for other things they do however.



:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

missymrs80 said:


> I am in the helping profession as well (is that ok to put you in that category?) and i worry about burn out all the time.


The question is not what you do for work, but is your life functioning the way you want it to?

Why would one do any job if that were not the case?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

This question is scaring me a little too, because my life has gone a totally different direction than I thought. From being a hard-headed, never-having-kids, I-wanna-career teenager/young adult, to winding up married to a fantastic guy, having zilch for career prospects (aside from working my way up from the very bottom which may take years of full-time dedication which I may not have in me), and all of a sudden really wanting a baby.

So I'm still wrestling with questions like, shall I put my energies into developing a career, or having a baby right now and being a better 'housewife', or juggling a baby, house, and job while never seeing my husband, or spending all of my annual income on daycare so I can 'feel' like I'm working/contributing, etc. God, it's a hassle to even think about sometimes! Do men ever struggle with stuff like this?

So mostly I just try to sit back and take life how it comes. Being offered a promotion at work has helped me see some of the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not such a slap in the face to be 'part time' (no benefits) at 39.5 hours a week if they're seeing my potential after only 6 months and looking to keep me moving forward.

Anyway, rant over. I definitely don't have it all, but I want for very little.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Jane_Doe said:


> ... and it's not such a slap in the face to be 'part time' (no benefits) at 39.5 hours a week if they're seeing my potential after only 6 months and looking to keep me moving forward.
> .


Ack!!! 39.5 hours - is that legal? I thought the part time threshold was lower than that.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

As far as I'm aware there's no law specifying any maximum hours for part time workers, just a law that they must pay you time-and-a-half for anything over 40 hours (hence the .5 that we get). It frustrates me sometimes!


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Trenton said:


> I don't mean you to take offense to this, I really don't, but I never worry about burning out. I worry that I will not take a missed opportunity to help or screw it up so that I'll no longer be able to help in the capacity I'd like, or worse, be too biased to make the right choice for someone else when in a position of making the right choice.
> 
> Burn out? I have so much energy that when I approach burn out I have moments of self pity, lean on the great people in my life (including those from TAM--you know who you are!), and re-ignite.
> 
> In my experience, if you believe you have the permission to burn bright, you can burn and burn and burn, endlessly. Well, at least until death takes you. I want to burn brightly up until that point and I know what I want to do. For that I feel blessed. I sincerely feel completely honored for what I have and more honored to be able to try to take that honor and turn it into something good for someone else.


None taken....maybe the phrase "burn out" is a phrase used more in my specific profession. This article explains it pretty well...with regard tomwhat i am talking about. 

Therapist Burnout | Psychology Today


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

I felt burnt out just working as a VOLUNTEER on a suicide prevention phone line. I grew weary of talking to people with silly problems, when there were others waiting to talk about real mental health and abuse issues. "I can't find a man" is no reason to call a distress line.


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