# New to forum, confused and need advice.



## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Hello All,

I'm new to the forum and I've been contemplating issues in my marriage for a while now.

To begin with brief summary. My husband and I married in June 2011. We got pregnant with our first child in December 2011 and lost the baby in January 2012. Went through job loss, new job, moving, loss of a child, bankruptcy etc. You get the picture. I found out I was pregnant in July 2013. It was a complicated pregnancy and I lost my job. Our daughter came 9 weeks early in January 2014. After coming home from the hospital we moved, my husband got a new job and then we found a new home to buy and moved 3 hours away. This year I've had two permanent teeth removed and drilled and also my gallbladder removed.

Our sex life has suffered especially since we have had the baby. I was averaging 2.5 hours of sleep the first 3 months she was home. I was eventually put on anti-depressants and a sedative for my post partum depression and OCPD. 

Sex for me is not enjoyable and my husband once it everyday more than once a day sometimes. I could care less either way. A lot of times I just lay there and pretend to be into it because I don't want to hurt his feelings. He asks if I've gotten off and a lot of times I lie and say yes I have. At this point in my marriage I feel like our sex is stale. I don't want to have sex anymore and feel its just a chore especially when my husband is all over me. I'm tired and have a household to maintain. I spend my time caring for the baby, cleaning the house, doing my masters online, and crafting when I can. Again no interest in intimacy with my husband. I love him and I don't want to push him away or be distant but I just don't feel an desire anymore. I know it could be from the meds and from having the baby, but I never thought I would dread having sex with my spouse. The other night I told him to just do his business and get off. He got pissed at me because I wasn't into it and didn't want to. 

I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm to the point where I don't want to do anything or be around anyone. 

Thoughts? Thanks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First, I'm sorry about all the stress you've been under lately. But honey, life IS stressful and it is vital to learn to cope with stress so that you are not alienating the man who is providing for you and trying to love you and just wants your love and happiness in return.

Having a baby really throws a woman's sex drive off! There is so much change, so much is overwhelming, so little sleep, so little control over anything. It takes time to adjust to all of that.

The Meds your taking are also interfering with your sex drive because they prevent sharp spike and sharp dips. You need to work therapy and get off of them ASAP or talk to your doc about switching to a med combo that won't interfere with your sex drive.

There are many things you can do to build your sex drive but you have to WANT to build your sex drive or nothing will help. If you're not reaching for it, it won't happen. No drugs will make it happen, no perfect words from your H will make it happen. YOU have to do that work. And Lemme tell Ya, nothing helps your mood better than having a sex drive and having awesome sex! NOTHING!

It's really important you never ever make your husband feel that making love to his wife is akin to taking a piss! "Do your business... Is something we say to our dogs when we take them out to eliminate. Your husband is not eliminating, he is giving and would very much like to receive. What you said was just like spitting in his face after he says I love you.


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## Terracota (Dec 10, 2014)

Hello Macrane,

First of all, I'm sorry you feel lost and broken. I haven't had a child yet (our problem is in not having a child with the hubby), but some ideas came to my head for you anyway.

Along with what others said: talk to your husband, probably even ask him to let you sort out your head for a certain period of 3-4 weeks without initiating, as long as you can commit to renewing it after the defined period is over. Suggest him some alternatives for now (hand jobs or blow jobs, for example).

Change your pills or try cancelling them at least for some time to see how and what it will change.

You mentioned you are doing some crafts - do they relax you or more stress you? It's one thing if you are drawing, for example, and it improves your mood, or if you are drawing and you feel the pressure of finishing the painting asap. If it's the latter - avoid your crafts. If they are taking too much energy - try to reallocate that energy into your husband's direction.

You mentioned you have a household to maintain and the child to take care of. Are you in the financial situation of hiring a cleaner or a nanny to help you? Or could you husband help you with the housekeeping, if it will help you to have more rest and feel less of a slave and more of a woman?


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

My goodness, I'm sorry you've gone through so much stress lately!
I think you really need to communicate what you're feeling to your husband. You've been through a lot and he needs to know where you're at emotionally.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

After sorting the meds and depression parts you may want to think about your priorities. It sounds like you're making time for a lot of things in your days but doing so is leaving no energy or desire for your husband (marriage) at night. Life is full of choices and choices have consequences.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

As said above, lying about getting off can be disastrous. It can cause trust issues and also, it can make him insecure and could potentially put a spike through the heart of your sex life indefinitely. Trust me, he knows when you are faking it, and it kills him.

Obviously your life situations have hurt your sex life, but I'd be first to blame the anti-dep's. They are straight poison and rob you of your personality. Try to get off those. Sex should be a huge relief of stress for you two. Maybe try some new things? Roleplaying? Maybe start off by giving him head, or letting him go down on you, maybe you will start to get turned on?

Good luck!


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Thank you all for responding and showing compassion. Sorry for the delay. You all are right. I have tried many times in the past and current to tell time I need more help. The meds do kill the sex drive, but if I don't take them then I become overwhelmed too easily anymore. I've lived a stressful life and its like my damn nerves are shot. I will try once again to talk to him and maybe express how I feel in a different manner. Thank you all for the suggestions.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Also talk to your doc about the meds. There may be other meds or natural supplements which will help without having the bad side effedcts.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry that you have had so much stress to deal with. Men love to fix things, so tell your husband how you're feeling, and ask him to help you work on this.

Be honest, and loving - tell him that despite your drive being non existent, you love your husband dearly, and making him happy makes you happy too. Explain that what you need from him right now is love and tenderness, not (necessarily but they'll sure help!) orgasms...tell him that you need different things from sex right now and that your focus is on his happiness and your needing to feel loved and supported.

You can make it through this if you work together. Knowing that you WANT to want to have sex with him will go a long way to getting your husband on board.

Also, and I know you didn't mean to hurt him, but telling your husband to "get on with it and get off me" is incredibly hurtful to him. You couldn't have hurt him anymore if you stabbed him through the heart. Sex is how men express and feel love, so to be told that is like a knife in his heart. xxx


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> First, I'm sorry about all the stress you've been under lately. But honey, life IS stressful and it is vital to learn to cope with stress so that you are not alienating the man who is providing for you and trying to love you and just wants your love and happiness in return.
> 
> Having a baby really throws a woman's sex drive off! There is so much change, so much is overwhelming, so little sleep, so little control over anything. It takes time to adjust to all of that.
> 
> ...


Wow AP!!!!! That was one of the best responses I have ever read. That's exactly how I feel when I relieve myself with my wife. Notice I didn't say make love. It's just an action. I'm to to point I would just as soon go crank one out by myself and hope my hand don't fall asleep too.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to be open and honest with your husband. You also need to reassure him you love him and desire him. Seems to me you have been in a pressure cooker for the past few years. Have you talked to a counselor? They may be able to help you with your stress. I wish you the very best. You seem to want to make this work.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

First and foremost, KUDOS to you for your blatant honesty and to all of the responders who never "attacked" you.
You must get your stress under control or your overall health will suffer next, along with your sex drive and drugs aren't the answer. I've learned through constant education and experience that if it causes side effects, your body doesn't want it or need it, that is how your body battles an "invader". Once you start screwing with your brains signals, you make things a lot worse. Sorry for the anti drug rant.
I've gone through major depressions in the past 5 years, over a lot of life changes, but relied on family, friends, therapist, tai chi, yoga etc. Vitamin D is also very beneficial for depression and stress.
Faking enjoyment is worse than denying him all together, so talk to him and show him you are trying to fix things. If he loves you, he will be patient and willing to do whatever to help you out. Best of luck to you.


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## macrane06032011 (Dec 12, 2014)

Thank you all again. Life has been extremely stressful. I would like a break but we all know when you have children that doesn't exist. My husband gets on me for not eating more than once a day. I know its bad but its not like at 330 pounds I need food in the first place. LOL. I have seen a counselor before and it has helped in the past and I would like to go again but time and resources are limited right now and I'm really trying to find employment to help with finances. Another stress. Some days I just can't figure how I get out of bed. I'm tired of meds, tired of stress, tired of getting up, and just tired of everything else in between. What I forgot to mention is that my husband and I had been going through a rough patch this summer. He was working 4 days a week 3 hours away and I was caring for our child and his father that had vascular dementia. We were in the process of buying a house. I had a feeling something wasn't right about some of the things he was telling me. Well a best friend of his text me the while we were putting stuff in the moving truck. He said that my husband was basically talking about other women with him and that he was wanting to reconnect with an old time friend. Well I asked my husband about it and he had no idea he said about what his best friend was talking about. Well a month or so later the same friend IM's me on Facebook to see how I am doing and that subject got brought up again. Well I was curious so I logged into my husband's Facebook account and went through his IM's. Come to find out some of the things he was saying to some of his female friends were inappropriate and it broke my heart. He even told one of them we were getting a divorce. Surprise to me. So since then, my sex drive with the meds has made me not want to be intimate with him. I feel so hurt inside. I work so hard for our family and its an utter slap in the face. I have always supported his dream of wanted to do well in the hobby he likes, go to his events, make a way financially so we could do so, and when we found out about his diabetes I researched and did changed our lifestyle to help him be healthier. I feel like all I do is give in the marriage. I'm a door mat. He says I don't make him feel like the man of the house because I have control over everything. I don't let him do anything. Well that isn't completely true. I have asked him to do things in the past and he either waits until the last minute to do, does it half assed, or "forgets" to do it all. All I ask him to do around the house is take the animals out and the trash. And that's pretty much it. I do dishes, laundry, clean, cook, and care for him and the baby. But yet it never seems to be enough and its never ending. Sometimes I just wonder if life is even worth living.


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