# sharing photos without permission



## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

On a few occasions my husband has sent a photo of me - no nudes, just a regular photo - to a stranger he was talking to online. My husband has a fantasy of me with another man. I have stated clearly I have no interest, yet he pursues conversation online about this possibility. I'm livid, and humiliated, yet don't know what to do.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Any suggestions? Wise words?


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> Any suggestions? Wise words?


None that you want to hear. Men who do things expressly against their wive's reasonable wishes are treating those wives as if they are property.

He's looking for someone to give you to, your wishes be damned.

Take this behavior of his seriously.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

How did he react when you kicked him in the balls for doing that?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

For some reason unbeknownst to me this is a very common fantasy. I want to caution you on this, don't entertain it at all. I know you said it wasn't going to happen and that's great but I'm saying make sure you draw the line in the sand and scream the hard boundary from the roof tops.

Don't let him talk you into using it in fantasy play with pillow talk or bringing in a "toy" and pretending its another man. don't do anything that would encourage or placate this fantasy.

There are lots of guys out there with Cuckold fantasies and they think if they pester their wives enough they will eventually give in. They will go to the extant of just getting their wives to go along with the fantasy and to pretend they are someone else for a night. often there are some humiliation fantasies that go with it so they will want you to say derogatory thing about them.

All these things are conditioning as the slowly ramp up the efforts top desensitize you until you become less adverse to the idea. The trouble is that there have been a lot of guys that have been successful in manipulating their wives into doing it just to find out that it wasn't what they thought it was and they can't handle what they've done. In the mean time the wife has lost all respect for her spouse because he has pimped her out and devalued her so she moves on with the first guy that puts her back on a pedestal.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

@palmettostate, how old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

Any kids?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

palmettostate said:


> On a few occasions my husband has sent a photo of me - no nudes, just a regular photo - to a stranger he was talking to online. My husband has a fantasy of me with another man. I have stated clearly I have no interest, yet he pursues conversation online about this possibility. I'm livid, and humiliated, yet don't know what to do.


Leave him. That is downright creepy. He does not value you or respect your feelings.

So he fantasizes about you with other men. Okaaaayyyyy... I think that's a little weird, but hey, who knows what floats someone else's boat? What goes on in his head is his business, I suppose. But to send your picture to someone else online? I assume someone who knows this is his fantasy? That is so creepy and disrespectful of you. I'm glad you're livid. He sounds like he's trying to groom you for group sex. At the very best he simply thinks of you as a sex toy to share with strangers. To send your picture to these creeps? Ick.

Did you know that the recipients can use Google's "image search" and literally upload that image into it and facial recognition will show them everywhere else pictures of your face show up online, like facebook or linked in, company profile pictures, a friend's public photo album that has you in it, etc.?

And your husband must know these strangers are probably masturbating over pictures of you.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Leave him. That is downright creepy. He does not value you or respect your feelings.
> 
> So he fantasizes about you with other men. Okaaaayyyyy... I think that's a little weird, but hey, who knows what floats someone else's boat? What goes on in his head is his business, I suppose. But to send your picture to someone else online? I assume someone who knows this is his fantasy? That is so creepy and disrespectful of you. I'm glad you're livid. He sounds like he's trying to groom you for group sex. At the very best he simply thinks of you as a sex toy to share with strangers. To send your picture to these creeps? Ick.
> 
> ...


Very True...and quite creepy as well.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> None that you want to hear. Men who do things expressly against their wive's reasonable wishes are treating those wives as if they are property.
> 
> He's looking for someone to give you to, your wishes be damned.
> 
> Take this behavior of his seriously.


I really do want to hear. Really.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How well does your husband know this guy he sent your photo to? He is putting you at risky since there is no telling the mental health of the men he is sending your photo to. I would assume if he sent it to one man, he sent the photo to several men.

Since your husband seems unable to understand what a huge transgression this is, my suggestion is that you divorce him. He's pussing something that you want not part of. And he's engaging in risky/dangerous activity to do it.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Bankshot1993, I think those are very true words. I do wonder if it stems from some type of low self esteem. If you knew him, you would say he is a wonderful guy - he does most of the right things, never a mean or harsh word from him. This is the one big issue. And he's sneaky about it. It's gotten to the point that I would leave, I think about leaving...some days it's all I can do to stay...but I absolutely need to see our children finish school first. Financially, I would be fine on my own - nothing great, but I could manage and keep a similar lifestyle.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> @palmettostate, how old are the two of you and how long have you been married?
> 
> Any kids?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


30 years, dated three so a total of 33 years. Three kids, two on their own, one finishing college soon. 

This has not always been the situation. It's been going on for the last 5-6 years and gradually getting worse with online activity.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

palmettostate said:


> Bankshot1993, I think those are very true words. I do wonder if it stems from some type of low self esteem. If you knew him, you would say he is a wonderful guy - he does most of the right things, *never a mean or harsh word from him*. This is the one big issue. And he's *sneaky* about it. It's gotten to the point that I would leave, I think about leaving...some days it's all I can do to stay...but I absolutely need to see our children finish school first. Financially, I would be fine on my own - nothing great, but I could manage and keep a similar lifestyle.


Never a mean or harsh word........just sneaky as he sends pictures of you to strangers on the internet. 

Some people would say doing that is both mean and harsh. 

Does he even understand the loss of trust that this has caused? 

Seriously...MrsMarriedDude would have simply come unglued...she isn't a violent lady...but there would have been, at the least, some slapping.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He is not sharing pictures of you. He is pimping you out.

My friend's ex husband was into that. He wanted to watch his wife (my friend) with other guys. My friend is a sex addict and even she said that is some sick stuff. 

Please answer @MarriedDude


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How well does your husband know this guy he sent your photo to? He is putting you at risky since there is no telling the mental health of the men he is sending your photo to. I would assume if he sent it to one man, he sent the photo to several men.
> 
> Since your husband seems unable to understand what a huge transgression this is, my suggestion is that you divorce him. He's pussing something that you want not part of. And he's engaging in risky/dangerous activity to do it.


It is a complete stranger. Probably a serial killer for all he knows. I've told him how dangerous this is...he doesn't believe it. He's an intelligent person, but this has a hold on him and he's been able to justify that it's harmless. I know it is not harmless. I've probably done all the wrong things - yelled, cried, demanded, called names (never ever begged!) ...none of which worked obviously.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Does your husband have ED?


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Never a mean or harsh word........just sneaky as he sends pictures of you to strangers on the internet.
> 
> Some people would say doing that is both mean and harsh.
> 
> ...


Agreed! I only said that to describe his personality. He's more passive than a lot of men. I'm not in danger from him physically - unless a stranger were to show up...

I've told him he's lost my trust - either he doesn't get it or he thinks I'll get over it. I've probably been WAY too nice for to long. Which is funny, because nice is not really the first word people would use to describe me. I'm forthright...honest and fair in my words and opinions. I respect others who are honest as well, even if it hurts a little. That's why I want to hear the opinions here. I have no one I can talk to about this. No one.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Does your husband have ED?


He may. I don't know the clinical definition, but sometimes he does lose his erection during. I have never indicated I was anything less than very satisfied. So, it's nothing I have made him feel inadequate about.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

palmettostate said:


> Agreed! I only said that to describe his personality. He's more passive than a lot of men. *I'm not in danger from him physically* - unless a stranger were to show up...
> 
> I've told him he's lost my trust - either he doesn't get it or he thinks I'll get over it. I've probably been WAY too nice for to long. Which is funny, because nice is not really the first word people would use to describe me. I'm forthright...honest and fair in my words and opinions. I respect others who are honest as well, even if it hurts a little. That's why I want to hear the opinions here. I have no one I can talk to about this. No one.


I would offer that you are in some form of danger. Your husband has put you there. Have you considered communicating with him with the assistance of a counselor? Someone that could help you express the reality to him? 

It is a very concerning thing that has happened to you. Dangerous.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> He is not sharing pictures of you. He is pimping you out.
> 
> My friend's ex husband was into that. He wanted to watch his wife (my friend) with other guys. My friend is a sex addict and even she said that is some sick stuff.
> 
> Please answer @MarriedDude


It does seem to be addictive behavior. What was the final straw for your friend? You know, I don't want to abandon ship and be uncompassionate, yet how do I really deal with this? If I were the only person it would effect that would be a no-brainer, but life doesn't work that way.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> I would offer that you are in some form of danger. Your husband has put you there. Have you considered communicating with him with the assistance of a counselor? Someone that could help you express the reality to him?
> 
> It is a very concerning thing that has happened to you. Dangerous.


I don't know how to find a good counselor. We live in a very small town. It probably would not be anyone local. It's also very embarrassing to me, and I'm sure he'd be extremely embarrassed if anyone knew.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, likely it is to the point of being a fetish and no matter what rational logical reasons you give him, he is likely to do some major logic pretzel action to get his kicks.

This is likely something he will or cannot give up since it is an an obsessive type of behavior hardwired into him and no amount of therapy will likely work. There is no treatment for such fetishes.

If you want to find out whether it is one or not, a fetish that is, have him see a psychiatrist.

If it is manageable, at least you will find out as there are ways of substituting that type of behavior depending on severity.

As you have posted, the fetish has gotten worse over time and will likely continue on that trajectory.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

I also want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. This is so helpful, and gives me courage to make a change. Sometimes, when you can't talk about something you begin to wonder if it's as big a deal as you think...does that make sense? I second guess myself a lot. And our youngest son struggles with depression, he's had a very difficult 2 years and I do not want to jeopardize his situation unless I am positive it is something I absolutely need to do (ie separate, or divorce).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

palmettostate said:


> I don't know how to find a good counselor. We live in a very small town. It probably would not be anyone local. *It's also very embarrassing to me,* and I'm sure he'd be extremely embarrassed if anyone knew.


I am sure you would rather be embarrassed than be the victim of stalking or even an attack by some crazy person that your person met on a wierd sex website about pimping out wives. 

If you were one of my relatives.one of my numerous step-sisters, cousins, etc.....I would be coming straight unglued if I had heard about this. You really have nothing to be embarrassed about...angry yes...not embarrassed. Your husband should be stock full of some shame. 

Most men don't treat the safety of their families so cavalierly. To do something that could cause the women you have pledge to protect with every fiber of your being to be in such danger...is just...just...no words...really. unbelievable.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Hmm, likely it is to the point of being a fetish and no matter what rational logical reasons you give him, he is likely to do some major logic pretzel action to get his kicks.


Probably very true. I don't know much about these types of things. I'm very straightforward and what you see is what you get. I'm trying to understand, make sure that I'm doing the right things too. I'm so angry I don't want to react in a way that makes things worse.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

palmettostate said:


> I also want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. This is so helpful, and gives me courage to make a change. *Sometimes, when you can't talk about something you begin to wonder if it's as big a deal as you think...does that make sense? *I second guess myself a lot. And our youngest son struggles with depression, he's had a very difficult 2 years and I do not want to jeopardize his situation unless I am positive it is something I absolutely need to do (ie separate, or divorce).


Yes it does. And YES....this is a BIG DEAL


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> I am sure you would rather be embarrassed than be the victim of stalking or even an attack by some crazy person that your person met on a wierd sex website about pimping out wives.
> 
> If you were one of my relatives.one of my numerous step-sisters, cousins, etc.....I would be coming straight unglued if I had heard about this. You really have nothing to be embarrassed about...angry yes...not embarrassed. Your husband should be stock full of some shame.
> 
> Most men don't treat the safety of their families so cavalierly. To do something that could cause the women you have pledge to protect with every fiber of your being to be in such danger...is just...just...no words...really. unbelievable.


Totally agree.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Yes it does. And YES....this is a BIG DEAL


Thank you. This is what I need to hear, from everyone. You all are singing the same song and I know it's all true. It hurts, deep down I know it's true - but hearing it from others makes all the difference. Thank you.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

It also makes a HUGE impact on me to hear men and women telling me the same things - that this is unacceptable and intolerable. I've heard the opposite for a very long time from my husband. I know there is a community of swingers, etc. People do lots of different things. But for me, this is not acceptable or desired.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

palmettostate said:


> It also makes a HUGE impact on me to hear men and women telling me the same things - that this is unacceptable and intolerable. *I've heard the opposite for a very long time from my husband. I know there is a community of swingers, etc. People do lots of different things.* But for me, this is not acceptable or desired.


Your husband has lost his grip on what is normal....

as for a community of Swingers...sure...I think the numbers of the members...are way way way exaggerated. 

Did he call it swinging? Cause it sure sounds more like pimping. Changing the name of the activity is also called "framing the negotiation"...Don't fall for that...and NEVER do anything you are not comfortable with.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

palmettostate said:


> Probably very true. I don't know much about these types of things. I'm very straightforward and what you see is what you get. I'm trying to understand, make sure that I'm doing the right things too. I'm so angry I don't want to react in a way that makes things worse.



That is why you need to arm yourself with knowledge and make a logical decision with the information that you can gain. What better than an expert. Who knows, perhaps he cannot get pass this risky behavior and for your safety, exiting is your best option. Maybe it is where it is still manageable, but that is what you need to find out. Btw, most would have an objection of being objectified. Your a prop for his fantasy. He cut your concerns, trust, and emotions out of the equation. Plus, if he thinks it is harmless, why be secretive about it. Your boundaries are your boundaries and he breaks them knowingly.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*For some reason unbeknownst to me this is a very common fantasy.*

If you google " mens sexual fantasies" you will assuredly find this one on every list. What he does not understand is that there is a difference between erotic scenerios and fantasies, and that not all fantasies should be acted out on.

I'd suggest seeing a sex therapist before you just run to divorce proceedings.

Another suggestion you might enlighten him on is if he bothered yo explore the real world of folks who do this, it does not usually end well. With some real information he might get that he could very well lose you if you become attached to one of these men should you agree to this.

Men in many cases do not understand that most women cannot do stuff like that for a long time without becoming emotionally involved. He thinks he can "control" the situation and that you will look at it like him

not very likely


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

palmettostate said:


> 30 years, dated three so a total of 33 years. Three kids, two on their own, one finishing college soon.


Your child who is now finishing college, how much more time does he/she have to finish? Does he/she live at home?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you find out that he is sharing photos of you online?


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

MarriedDude said:


> Your husband has lost his grip on what is normal....
> 
> as for a community of Swingers...sure...I think the numbers of the members...are way way way exaggerated.
> 
> Did he call it swinging? Cause it sure sounds more like pimping. Changing the name of the activity is also called "framing the negotiation"...Don't fall for that...and NEVER do anything you are not comfortable with.


No, he did not mention swinging. I was just saying I realize there are people who have preferences that are not mine. Probably not even relevant to this convo.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How did you find out that he is sharing photos of you online?


I saw the email. He left it up on the computer.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Your child who is now finishing college, how much more time does he/she have to finish? Does he/she live at home?


Yes, lives at home. Hopefully he will be finished in August.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> Probably very true. I don't know much about these types of things. I'm very straightforward and what you see is what you get. I'm trying to understand, make sure that I'm doing the right things too. I'm so angry I don't want to react in a way that makes things worse.


If you are unwilling to file for divorce right now, my advice would be to still find a lawyer and tell her (or him, if you must) all about this and get her advice. That way at least someone else will know what is going on.

The fetish is common. The usual route is to try to convince the wife FIRST and to let her find a partner. That way she's at least being treated as a human being and is taking part in the fetish.

What your husband is doing, as someone upthread has said, is pimping you out.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> Yes, lives at home. Hopefully he will be finished in August.


In many states divorce is a slow process. If you filed for divorce in April it would likely not be final until next year.

By the way, most if not all states in the US have no fault divorces. You don't need a reason to divorce, you just need to want to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

palmettostate said:


> I saw the email. He left it up on the computer.


Ok, so you saw one email. You have no idea if he has been sending your pictures to other men. Nor do you know what pictures he's been sending. 

The chance that you caught him the first time he did this are pretty slim.

If this were my husband, I'm put a keylogger on his computer and not tell him about it to find out all that he's up to. (I did this with my husband.. it's one of the reasons we are divorced. Found out that he was doing a lot more than he admitted to.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

palmettostate said:


> Yes, lives at home. Hopefully he will be finished in August.


August is not that far off. If you are going to divorce, you need time to get things together. 

Start out by getting a lawyer and find out what you need to do. 

You can always wait to file after your son has graduated.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, so you saw one email. You have no idea if he has been sending your pictures to other men. Nor do you know what pictures he's been sending.
> 
> The chance that you caught him the first time he did this are pretty slim.
> 
> If this were my husband, I'm put a keylogger on his computer and not tell him about it to find out all that he's up to. (I did this with my husband.. it's one of the reasons we are divorced. Found out that he was doing a lot more than he admitted to.)



No, I saw the latest email - with the photo he sent. I've seen similar emails before with photos.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

palmettostate said:


> But for me, this is not acceptable or desired.


Then tell H that and tell him you never want to hear this again.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Pack your bags and take a hike! First by a lawyer's office to explore your numerous legal rights as his W!

If he ever had love and respect for you, then that has all sadly turned into satisfying his lurid self interests and nothing more than total disrespect for you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Then tell H that and tell him you never want to hear this again.


It's not only him asking her. It's him going around her wishes and messaging men about her.

Seriously, I think your husband is into more than you think. He has some serious issues that he is refusing to face and stop. I agree with the others who say he is pimping you out. It may be some kind of cuckold fantasy, but it could also be a pimp fantasy. They are two entirely different things. Not that either is good mind you, but one is more dangerous than the other. Your husband has already stepped into dangerous territory and what he is doing may be illegal as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My take?

A few things.

He does love you. More than you think. It is a warped love, for sure.

He is not happy with HIS performance in the sack. This is the driver----> He feels inadequate. He wants to see you SEXUALLY EXCITED, why?. He knows that HE cannot do this. Plus, he is bored with the present dynamic with respect to you two.

This is all subliminal. He is actually thinking this--------------> He wants to knock you off your perch. Your high and mighty "Miss Pristine" perch, not because he hates you, but because he loves you and wants to remodel you into something that he will later reject. It is not ONLY about sex, it is about getting you on your back and getting you lower than him. Some deep-seated resentment is present here. This is sub-conscious stuff.

He wants to change the "controlling" aspect in your marriage. He wants to control you....for once.


The fact that you are being TOTALLY sexually satisfied is more important to him then the fact that it will have a devastating effect on your marriage. Following through on his fantasy will destroy your marriage.

If you give in to this fantasy he knows that you may eventually leave him over this. It is the cowards way out of a marriage. Rather than saying he is dissatisfied in your marriage, and he is, he will take you down some dark hole and debauch you.

He needs therapy.

He feels that you are what...too conservative in bed. HE needs more excitement. Men are visual, so seeing you with another man would visually excite him. He desperately wants to up the sexual ante in your marriage.

And yes, he will introduce this [kinkiness] incrementally. He will groom you to this end....another man or men in the bedroom.

Therapy for him or divorce for you. If you file for divorce and separate you will quickly find out his true self.....ahem.....the guy is conflicted. He needs to get rid of his game face and wear his real mug. Mustache optional.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

straightshooter said:


> *For some reason unbeknownst to me this is a very common fantasy.*
> 
> If you google " mens sexual fantasies" you will assuredly find this one on every list. What he does not understand is that there is a difference between erotic scenerios and fantasies, and that not all fantasies should be acted out on.


The more common name given to a wife who has sex with other men while the husband either watches or waits at home for her is "hot wife".

In a hot wifing situation the husband often finds the other men, interviews them, etc.

Google "hot wife" and prepared to be shocked.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell your cuckold wanna-be that you need advice on how to handle his deplorable actions so you are going to consult your adult children. Watch him beg & plead with you to not destroy his happy family man persona.

Frankly, he would just take it underground. The only way you're going to get away from his sick, twisted self is to divorce. Personally, I would round up every single picture of myself and put them where he can't get them. Don't let him take more pictures and consider
sleeping in another room with a lock on the door.

He is unabashedly embarrassing and humiliating you. He doesn't love you. I doubt he is going to be a happy divorced man in his fifties. Maybe he is sexually interested in the men he chats with and you're the hook.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> T Maybe he is sexually interested in the men he chats with and you're the hook.


I have asked him that, because that's one of the first things that crossed my mind. I've told him to go **ck them if that's what he really wants, but I'll have no part of it in any form.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> The more common name given to a wife who has sex with other men while the husband either watches or waits at home for her is "hot wife".
> 
> In a hot wifing situation the husband often finds the other men, interviews them, etc.
> 
> Google "hot wife" and prepared to be shocked.


Sounds about right. Not sure if I want to google that. But I have been clear that I'm the one who decides who I am with, it is not his decision.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> The more common name given to a wife who has sex with other men while the husband either watches or waits at home for her is "hot wife".
> 
> In a hot wifing situation the husband often finds the other men, interviews them, etc.
> 
> Google "hot wife" and prepared to be shocked.


Hot Wife....code for "Upcoming Felony Assault Charge"


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

And this is why pornography is dangerous and birth control is dangerous and the internet and computer-phones are dangerous and why guns are dangerous and why high-powered cars and motorcycles are dangerous why marijuana is dangerous why alcohol is dangerous.....ad nauseum.

Some people cannot handle these things in a safe and rational manner. They cause knee-jerk reactions from the public and the politicians. If a few abuse these things then we must ban them.

There is no simple answer to @palmettostate morally bereft husband.

Had he not sent the pictures and only had a porn problem, she likely would not be here. 

One vice snags another on the way downhill.


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