# Not sure if my husband is being unfaithful...



## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

Even typing that header makes me feel disloyal.

My husband and I have been together for more than fifteen years and have a couple of kids - to the untrained eye we probably look like a happy family, and in lots of ways we are.

But behind closed doors, there are problems, which I know is the same for pretty much every long term relationship.

Anyway, my husband has always had a wandering eye - i've given up being bothered that he always checks out other women, I don't think he's even aware he does it sometimes. Thing is, I used to feel secure that it was just looking, but these days theres been a couple of things that make me wonder.

First off though, I have to say that he's a good husband - he earns decent money to keep the family afloat, loves the kids, doesn't stay out, barely goes out without us, doesn't work later than usual... none of those things.

He's an attractive man, and I know i've gained weight over the last few years - I sort of feel as if he would stray because he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He's never said as much, but in truth our sex life has been hit and miss for a while now.

As far as I know he hasn't strayed before, but he did have a near miss with an ex gf when I was expecting our first child. I found the texts between them and confronted him, and he admitted that he'd been flattered by the attention - I'm pretty certain from several things that this didn't go any further.

He takes the kids to football a couple of evenings a week, and I know that he's become really friendly with a divorced mum there. He drops her into conversation often, and from things he's said I know he knows alot about her - more than you might about a passing acquaintance, if you know what I mean.

Anyway - last week I was putting something back into his briefcase and found a condom stashed at the bottom. 

I'm struggling to justify it - what possible reason do you have for carrying a condom if you don't expect that you might need to use it?

I haven't said anything to him, and am amazed at my own capacity to sweep it aside and try to normalise it. It's not normal, is it? What should I do?

He keeps his phone with him, but I know from the itemised bills that he's not sending lots of texts to unusual numbers. He might use email I guess, he could have an account I don't know about? But then I don't like to think he'd be underhand like that.

I'm feeling so conflicted - on the one hand we are settled and generally happy, but this is all going on below the surface and I just don't know what to do about it, or if I should do anything at all.

Thanks if you read this far, any advice would be massively helpful.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

yes he cheating . asking about the condo yet gather more information .uvoice activated recorder into his car . star going to football with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

voice activated recorder
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## biggu5 (Jun 20, 2011)

A condom? REALLY? I definitely feel for you and it is easy to dismiss the obvious signs. Trust your intuition. You have been with this person for 15 years. Look for other signs that I and others have posted on signs of infidelity. My heart breaks for you.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I'm so sorry you're having to post here. Sadly, I do believe you're H is having an affair. Since the condom was in his briefcase, it may be a co-worker and not the divorced woman he talks to at games.

My H hid condoms in his golf bag. His EA/PA was with a co-worker and he always made a point to be home on time the days he met her. The times they had sex, he took the afternoon off from work and got a hotel for a few hours. Nice hotels rent rooms for short afternoon "business interviews" and such. My H did have a secret email and only one month where the texts were too high. I should've caught it, all the signs were there. I did feel something was "off" with us, but never in a million years thought he could've been as deceitful and underhanded as he was while having the affair. It's like they become a different person.

As a start, go into your H's regular email and start searching his sent messages. My H did leave one in there to the OW. Common slip. Also, check his phone if you have the chance. See who's top on his list of contacts for sent messages. Our phones put names in order of frequently used on a special panel. My H said he used to worry I knew about this feature and I'd see her name near the top. He never hid his phone though, so he played it very low key.

Gather evidence, because your H will most likely deny and lie when you first confront him. Once again, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Good luck.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you hire a PI.

Is money an issue? Pawn shop will take almost any thing. 

At the very least do your own investigation, and get this crap moving forward. no matter how it turns out you must have answers...you diserve answers, so please get them and then find the resolve to fix your marriage.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

Thanks guys, your replies have helped me to realise I need to look even deeper for signs - the obvious ones aren't there, but as you say maybe he takes time off i'm not aware of. Last night was a football night, and oddly enough he must have sat on his phone as he was driving home as it called home. I could hear him in the car with the kids, obviously nothing untoward, but when he came in and I told him that his phone was connected to home he looked shocked. He asked me how long it had been connected and I joked and said 'about two hours' - he didn't laugh, he looked horrified. Then I shrugged it off and said it had only really been a short time, but he was edgy all night. He kept asking me why I was being distant and off -I wasn't I don't think? Probably I am reading too much into it, it makes you a bit paranoid doesn't it?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

RWB said:


> My wife is a school teacher and I thought when could she be having an affair? She rarely went places without me or one of her girlfriends. In reality, She would schedule a sick day or personal leave day from work ahead of time without me knowing. She would get up at regular time and act like she was going to work and then drive 75 miles to meet up with her OM. She would come home at regular time and act like nothing out of the normal. I would talk about my day she would lie about hers. I was being played like a fool.


Oh yeah, I've seen this happen in real life. There was a guy I worked with a long time ago, and there was a time he took two weeks leave. On the third day, this woman called asking where he was, and a coworker told her he was on vacation for two weeks, and who was calling. Turns out it was his wife! Evidently, he was pretending to go to work at his regular time and come home at his regular time. She just called to get him to stop by the store and get something on his way home from work. He was busted. Since then, I've heard of this happening on other occasions with other people through the years.

Ever since the WW cheated on me, I check her paystub to see if she has taken any days off or vacation days that I don't know about.

So check their pay stubs to see if there are any days off, vacation days/hours that you don't know about. Also if they are supposedly working overtime or having to stay late, their paystub/paycheck should show it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RWB said:


> H123,
> 
> I know you think that is strange because your H is home from work on time and rarely goes out. You are saying to yourself WHEN?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Obvious signs? I'm pretty sure a condom in the briefcase is obvious enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't know whether it's funny or sad the pathetic ways people don't even pretend to try to cover their tracks.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

You know what, i've even wondered if he actually wants me to find it and ask him.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

did he ever use the words "just a friend"? If so, he's cheating.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I don't know whether it's funny or sad the pathetic ways people don't even pretend to try to cover their tracks.


It's both. Funny and sad. 

Condom in the briefcase...he's cheating.or seriously considering it and wants to be prepared in case it happens.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

honey123 said:


> You know what, i've even wondered if he actually wants me to find it and ask him.


For what reason?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

My friend found a condom in her husband's briefcase many years ago. One of the secretaries in his office gave it to him and said something like, "If you want to use it, you know where I am." She was going after him and he was flattered beyond words. Didn't you mentioned that your husband was attractive? Just another point of view.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would make a balloon animal and show up naked. Isn't that what she meant? No? That's just me. 

I had a pair of subordinates wailing away at sex in the cubicle at work once, many years ago. I mean what do you? Open your office door and tell them...stop? finish up? be quiet?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> It's both. Funny and sad.
> 
> Condom in the briefcase...he's cheating.or seriously considering it and wants to be prepared in case it happens.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Seriously now... there's perhaps that 1 in a million chance that a secretary gave it to him and he 'forgot' it was there (if that was even the truth or just a good lie that she bought)... but c'mon now. Unless you're waiting to catch him in bed with someone before you have a reason to confront him, there's no time like the present. He can either explain it to your satisfaction, or he can't. I'd bet money he can't. 

All the symptoms (troubles in marriage, wandering eye, near-miss previously, very nervous you were suggesting you'd heard a phone conversation) but none of the evidence EXCEPT A CONDOM suggest a careful cheater... but a cheater. Secret email, cash-paid phone, in-person dialogue are all ways around leaving evidence trails. Unexplained condoms are hard to avoid. 

Again, he can explain it, or he can't.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

oh no. no secretary gave it to him - I know that for sure because it's from the box we use upstairs. 
I guess the thing to do is just be honest and ask him outright why there is a condom in there. I should maybe go to football too, I know. Thanks all. x


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Don't just ask him, demand an answer you can believe, and make it clear you're not ending the discussion until you're satisfied that you have the truth.

And I'd suggest you have a plan in place for what you will do when you hear an answer you probably don't want... and what you will say & do if/when he tries to sweep it under the rug as "just nothing, must have been an accident"

Because at confrontation, this is when things start to spin very quickly out of control. So having a plan of action in place, knowing exactly what you want to say and to do - and what you want him to do - can be very empowering and important for you. Decide what you want to do in all scenarios, with all possible reactions (he admits more than you expect and begs forgiveness; he denies; he turns it back on you; he suggests it's nothing/accidental; he wants to work at marriage; he proclaims it's over...) be prepared for all.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

thanks for that advice, I have lots to think on. 
It's 9 in the evening here, and he's just across the room - i've tried to think how to bring the subject up and the words won't come out.
I think i'm going to think about things as you said 2xl, and try to be braver tomorrow night. 
Thing is, I know that if I don't tackle this soon he'll probably move the condom and then completely deny it was ever there. 
This is hard.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

so, I asked. He said it was there because it had for some reason been in his shorts pocket - we've recently returned from holiday and he implied it must have got there during packing / something. (I wish i'd pushed on this as it's now raised further questions.)
Anyway, he said he'd found it in his shorts pocket when he was in the kitchen with the kids the other day, and to put it out of the way he dropped it in his briefcase because it was simply to hand. He said he then felt awkward to move it in case I had seen it and wondered where it had gone. He was calm and un-phased when he told me this, and I'm digesting it just now. Not feeling good to be honest.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Felt awkward moving it in case you had seen it.........sounds sketchy to me.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Wow You gave me flashbacks, I remember when my ex had condoms... yes more than one he had a lot of them he had them in his car... we had a long term relationship and we lived together. So I asked him why he had condoms in his car, his bag and etc. He said his friends put them there as prank. Yes they have pulled pranks before but something about that answer didn't sit well with me especially when I found out that he.. was.. cheating. I honestly don't know your husband like you do but it always starts with that feeling in the pit of your stomach that won't go away. As though something is amiss or not right and frankly it won't go away until you resolve it. But only you know what the right thing to do is. Good luck,:smthumbup:


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I would suggest you go to website called beyondaffairs.com Click on the seminars tab and then the teleseminars tab and browse the list and listen to as many as you can. Lot's of really good healing information there and also suggestions for working with your WS. As can be expected, the push their services a lot but there is a a lot great info there. I listen to them in my car using my iphone connected to the car. There are also BAN network meetings shown on the home page for a lot of cities that are free and the teleseminars are free to attend if you register. Please check them out and let us know what think.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

Well, I decided to let things be after all of that went on, but the suspicions have remained. Over the last few days I've kept smelling aftershave in teh driveway, and it got me wondering if he was spraying it outside so I wouldn't wonder why he'd started to use it.
I figured that if I was right it would be in his car, so when he walked up the shop earlier I did a quick scan in there. I didn't find the aftershave. Oh no. But I did find pink lacy knickers that aren't mine shoved underneath the drivers seat. I feel completely sick and have NO clue what the hell to do. I took them out, and then shoved them back in a panic. I am lost. We have kids, and have been together for over sixteen years. What do I do?


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

You bust his @$$ wide open!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

((((HONEY!!!)))) I am so sorry. Now, you *know* at least.

(Forum: We don't need to go into 'told ya so'....the signs being there right in front of you don't matter now).

First question is what do you _want_ to happen? That's probably a decision you cannot make right now and shouldn't try to under emotinal duress. BUT, you've got a gut inkling either way - you want it to work out and think you can get past it if he does all the right things... or you feel you can't or don't want to. Go with that gut, for now, in actions.

I'm so sorry; I know this hurts like hell.

Remember my post earlier about having Plan B in case you got answers you didn't expect or want. Now is the time to use it if you have it, or build it if you don't have it. Kids, home, finances, etc. need to be thought about, directionally for decisions (ie, "I will keep the kids, you will move out"... not specifically where & when & how).

I'm sorry you hurt like this. Remember to breathe, and to eat something if you can.

Prepare yourself for the script.... denial; trickle-truth; gaslighting; more denial and more trickle-truth... get your initial anger out, but using your plan, don't let it get the better of you.

Something I've never seen written here or anywhere that I'll toss in from experience: As you confront, you might want to have pen & paper and write down some responses... at DDay for me and the 4-5 days of non-stop talking afterward, we had a dozen or more throwbacks from "that's not what I said". I wish even now I had 'notes' from that first day or two....

If you have a clear enough head and the opportunity, take pictures of your 'evidence'... before he removes?

Take your time. You do not have to decide everything all at once. Expect great, wide swings in your emotions. Obviously there is great anger, people get violent at DDay; many people also have passionate sex right in the aftermath. If you've read here, you're educated on what's going on, why, and how... use it to your advantage.

Under no circumstances do you leave the home. If anyone's leaving, it is him (for your own legal benefit later on if it's needed...)

If you have a real, true, close, trusted friend or relative, don't be afraid to lean on them and share. Talking will help you when you want/need it...

Again I'm so sorry. The immediate trauma of first discovery had me in a fetal position sobbing in a hotel room for 36 hours straight... you WILL get through this, either way. But yes you have a tough road ahead.

Confront, no question, and like I said in earlier post do not allow conversations to end without satisfaction of answers you need until you are ready for them to end. Take control now, right at the outset, for dictating how things will be based on that first decision of a direction to head -- wanting to work at it, or not. Of course, you need his first decision, too...

Find out whom if you can, and prepare to out them to their SO, regardless of the direction you choose to go.

Good luck to you; we know this just completely sucks. Again, "breathe"..... ((((((((hugz)))))))


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hugs to you  I can't even imagine.

Nothing worse than being lied to.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

Thanks so much for replying with such common sense - my head is all over the place. He's due home from taking the kids to football in a little while. 
My gut response is that I don't want our marriage to end. I can't ignore it, I don't know how to get through it, but I don't want to separate. But then, he might once it's out in the open, I suppose I have to be aware of that. I couldn't bear it if he loves her. But then I can't bear it anyway, so I don't know why I'm even thinking that.
I should have removed the evidence, I wish I had now. Will try to do that tomorrow unless I've already said something tonight. What's gas lighting? Is it normal feel such a complete and utter failure? I used to work and go out with friends before the kids, but these days my life completely revolves around him and the kids. What a mess.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Oh honey123, I'm so sorry.

Stay firm, he'll try and weasel out. Stick to your guns and don't let him blame you for this.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Gaslighting is when he continues the lies, trying to show you how you're just confused and don't have your facts straight... ie "false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception". Like the condom just got there because he found it in his shorts... or the panties were actually a little old lady's he found stranded on the side of the road, she was hurt and had taken them off when the ambulance came to help... hang in there!!

Again, think through scenarios and how you will react/act upon each of them...
- if he wants out 
- if he admits and is fully remorseful
- if he admits it, but isn't sure what he wants...
- if he lies, and you know it - or if you think he's lying but aren't sure (not that anyone could explain panties under the seat... How does that happen, anyway?? Does the ho really leave not realizing she hasn't got her panties on?


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

I confronted him about it, and the answer was frankly ridiculous. He claims to have picked them up in a lay by at the side of the road. He drives long commutes every day, and has to stop occasionally if he's tired / needs to pee/ whatever. They were just there, and he picked them up. He said he's ashamed of it and didn't know why he did it and just kept them. 
Am really in a mess here - what the hell do I do? He's adamant that there is no other woman. The idea that he'd pick up some strangers underwear and keep it is , if possible, worse. But that said, it's so bloody implausible anyway isn't it?
I feel so... god, i don't know. stupid?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

2xloser said:


> or the panties were actually a little old lady's he found stranded on the side of the road, she was hurt and had taken them off when the ambulance came to help... QUOTE]
> 
> O...M....G!!! I was making up to story about "side of the road" to show how ridiculous an answer you might actually get, and he matched it!!!???!!!????!!!!! Wow...
> 
> Did you not escalate this to "condom + panties = affair without a doubt"??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

LOLOLOL WHAT?! WHO WOULD TOUCH NASTY UNDIES ON THE FLOOR!?!?

What a douche. No offense.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

yeah, I did. He sighed and turned it around, in a 'i've told you the truth and i'm ashamed, isn't that enough for you? Why are you pushing the idea that i'm having an affair when i've promised you on the kids lives that i'm not? 
I've even fetched the knickers from the car and chucked them down on the table between us and asked him yet again for the truth, and he's sticking to his guns. What the hell do I do? He's point blank denying it.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

I know, that girl. Any men out there who can tell me if it's remotely likely? As a woman, i'm damn certain I would never do that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Take the kids and leave. Or kick him out.

He's a liar....and a stupid liar at that. I don't knwo ANYONE who would touch dirty panties on the ground. Gross.


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## honey123 (Jun 29, 2011)

It;s not that easy though is it? We have a home and two little kids who will get messed up if I just up and go. Fact is that he is a good dad and a decent hardworking husband, which is why i'm having such a problem squaring it with myself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can tell then he has to go on a business trip.

He needs to see this is not going to fly.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As a guy... I'm not picking up anyone's underwear off the side of the road. Ever. Even when I'm drunk and horny.

As far as being a good dad and decent husband, I'd disagree. And this is coming from someone who cheated on his family. He's only interested in one person's enjoyment, and it isn't your's or the kid's.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

P O L Y G R A P H.
Immediately. 
Scheduled for 3 questions (without him knowing in advance):
- did the panties come from the side of the road and not off of someone?
- did he tell you the truth about the condom?
- is he having an affair?

I bet he doesn't even make it to the parking lot. And if he does, I bet he fails. And if he doesn't fail, you then have a decision to make.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OMG - he actually claims he just picked them up on the side of the road! With a straight face even? That's gotta be one of the worst lies ever.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

honey123,

Your husbands shady actions should warrant some attention from you. It could turn out to be nothing, which would be great! Yet..if it walks like a duck....

A word of caution: If your husband is having an affair...he has more than likely built a story around himself that positions himself as the victim. His co-workers, friends and even extended family members may have been fooled into supporting him. 

This makes it hard for you to have firm ground to stand on...even though you know you are in the right. So take your time and really get some hard evidence before you step out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Best wishes,

GM


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