# My wife has fallen out of love with me, but there is more.



## abaco

A little over a month ago my wife started to acted distent. I would ask if she was alright but she would always say that she was just tired. Finally three weeks ago I sat her down to talk and she told me she had fallen out of love with me. She said “she had a hole in her heart and she couldn’t fill it”. The next day I talked to her about counseling, she said she would do it but” her mind was already made up”. I should mention that we have been together 20 years, married 16 and we have a 4 year old little boy. 

Six months ago she had started to act strange. She had made a new friend who she works with and suddenly they seamed to be best of friends. During this time my wife started talking about getting a tattoo and wanted to know what I thought? She was thinking about being in a play because her new friend was big into acting and she even asked me if I would like to watch pornography with her because she had never seen it before. I was supportive on all of these counts and have always encouraged my wife. Still I was starting to wonder about her new friend because of how much time they were spending together and how offen she would talk about her.

Five nights ago my wife was out working late again, something she has been doing a lot of when I got a phone call from my wifes new friends husband. I have never met this man before or even talked with him. He started by telling me he was worried about our marrage because his wife had just brocken up there marriage of 14 years This was two weeks before my wife had done the same to me, it even sounded like she had used the same words. He also explaned that his wife can be very karasmatic and manipulative and that she wanted a "playpal for after the seperation". He seamed genuinely concerned for our marrage.

Our marrage hasn't been perfect, 11 years ago I was diagnosed with an adult form of muscular dystrophy which has phyically affected me but I truely love my wife and until a month ago I believed she loved me. As I mentioned, we are going for counseling but she still seams far more interested in hanging out and texting her friend than trying to fix our marriage.

I really need help!


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## keko

You need to find a way to kill this friendship, she is too toxic to your wife.

Which phone is she using? Can you read the contents of her texts?

When she's out late can you verify where she is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlmostYoung

It sounds like she has entered into a mid life crisis. She is unhappy and disappointed with everything in her life up to this point, and is searching for something more. Trying to break up the new friendship that she is passionate about will only backfire on you. In her mind she’s finally on a sensible path now that she has decided to leave you and try new things. What she doesn’t yet realize is that she can find this meaning and purpose that she is desperately searching for while staying in the marriage. You can lead the way.

First, DO NOT PANIC! Don’t beg and plead for another chance, don’t attempt to force her into counseling, don’t criticize her or try to make her feel bad for wanting to leave, and don’t try to end her new friendship. Instead, work on yourself. Stay connected to her as much as possible and build on that. You want to be the one she confides in and tells everything to, and likes to have fun with. Get some new hobbies, take some classes, go out with friends. Tell her all about the exciting things going on in your life. Ask about her interests, desires, dreams. Understand that she will not come around overnight, no matter what you do. Prepare yourself for a long ride if you want to save this. The good news is that it is possible to rebuild your marriage to one that is even stronger and more passionate than before.

Search “mid life crises in women” and learn what’s going on in her mind. You have to understand what she’s going through before you can respond properly. Do not suggest to her that she is going through a MLC. It will trivialize her feelings and she will resent the label. Remember, she has decided on a new course in life and it makes perfect sense to her.


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## Lon

It's an emotional affair (EA) at the minimum, or atleast for her it is and so she's following the cheaters script. When they get infatuated with their fantasy version of someone else they acquire an uncanny ability to rewrite their emotional history with you, even pinpoint the moment they fell out of love usually (hint it will be some trivial event such as you leaving the dishes out on the counter sometime 2 years ago, in which she felt it was the universe giving her a sign).

If she was working late, it is probably also a PA, very likely something kinky and really difficult for your mind to cope with and you may start forming mental images of your W that torture you - just realize that when they go into affair fog they are capable of so much hurt to you and it not about you its about their twisted mind trying to experience as much as possible as fast as possible, it really is quite wreckless, they don't even mind the risk of being caught cause that just adds to it. It is horrible to experience as a loyal betrayed spouse, but you are not alone in this.


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## abaco

AlmostYoung said:


> It sounds like she has entered into a mid life crisis. She is unhappy and disappointed with everything in her life up to this point, and is searching for something more. Trying to break up the new friendship that she is passionate about will only backfire on you. .


Thank you Almost young and everyone else for your advice, I really appreciate it. 

My wife and I went to our second couples counseling session tonight. She stated that the problem with the marrage go's back a couple of years, that she kept feeling down but would always manage to pick herself up again until now. 

The counselor asked what our plans were for the future such as more sessions? I said I wanted to do what ever was possible to try and save the marrage but my wife said she was finished, she said in her mind she was all "used up". I must admit this really hurt. At the same time we did book a session for next week, I don't really even remember how that happend.

As for her friend, she came up in the conversation but my wife denide her having anything to do with her choice. I'm not so sure.

I took your advice and didn't beg her to give our marrage another chance.

I did look up mid life crisis on the computer and that makes alot of sence but since she isn't looking to really try counseling I'm not sure what to do.

Anymore advice would really be appreciated.

Thank you all for everything.


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## jtut21

It can become very easy to settle into a routine and begin to get comfortable in a relationship. Now is the time to break yourself of this comfort level and begin showing her that you are willing to change. She is going through a phase and under poor influence of a friend so you must kick your motive to keep her into high gear. Start showering her with attention and bring back the romance. Do this mainly for the purpose of rebuilding a connection so that the attraction is reignited. Reflect on all the reasons your wife was attracted to you in the early stages of your relationship and begin to implement those things. 

All the best,

Josh


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## CantSitStill

Ok this was me, I was just like your wife..my advice is first off...do not beg, cry or give her love letters or cards, don't buy her anything..it will push her farther way.. Sounds like a midlife crisis, I went through this..do the 180 and let her continue to go on. with seperating...yes this sounds harsh but trust me let her go and she will c,ome back to you once she realizes what she lost..she may be in an affair and in the fog and not thinking clearly...let her go seriously she will find the grass is not greener onm the other side and hopefully like I did she will fall totally back in love with you all over again..after you've been seperated a while then you can give her the kindness and she will hopefully wake up and be so sorry for risking losing you but for now counseling is not gonna work till she is ready to commit to you and then when and if she comes back to you, you must set boundries right away and go to a different marriage counselor. Best of luck to you..hang in there, I know this is so hard..it about killed my husband but we are 4 months back to R. It's alot of work but I love him more than anything and feel awful for all I put him through...btw I was having an EA during counseling and like her kept saying I was done. I finally admitted the EA after he asked me a few times and he told me to stop all contact with the guy or leave so I left. I will regret this for the rest of my life because altho now he has forgiven me he still hurts and it's all my fault. I used to say everything was his fault and I believed it but once I woke up boy do I see things differently.. hang in there, stay strong, go cold on her trust me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Yep. MLC. CantSitStill is right and described what my wife and I went through. After more than a year she is back in love with me. She seperated for four months which were hell for me, but the key was patience.

There is usually another person who leads them along this foggy path. Sometimes an EA but can be from a person of the same sex along for the support of the destructive ride.

I found Divorce Busting book helpful in understanding the stages and need to be very very patient.

I wish you well!


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## abaco

This is me said:


> Yep. MLC. CantSitStill is right and described what my wife and I went through. After more than a year she is back in love with me. She seperated for four months which were hell for me, but the key was patience.
> 
> There is usually another person who leads them along this foggy path. Sometimes an EA but can be from a person of the same sex along for the support of the destructive ride.
> 
> I found Divorce Busting book helpful in understanding the stages and need to be very very patient.
> 
> I wish you well!


Once again thank you all for your help.

If you don't mind my asking, what do's EA stand for?

There is a part of me that wants to investigate my wife and her new friends relationship a little better but on the other hand I have always trusted and believed my wife so I'm not sure if I want to start going down that road, if you know what I mean.

"Divorce Busting" is a book? We havn't used the word divorce yet, do you still think this book would be a benefit?


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## AlmostYoung

Leave the choice of going to any counseling up to her. But if you go, make sure any counselor you see is truly an ally of the marriage. Some actually make things worse. (mine did in one session) Personally, marriage coaches make more sense to me than traditional counselors for many reasons. Do your research and see what you think.

What you need is time to help facilitate a shift in her perception of the relationship. She has to come to the decision that the marriage is worth saving on her own, there is no way you can verbally convince her of this so don’t even try! Don’t initiate “Big Relationship Talks” in the hopes of changing her mind. _At this point_ she is certain that ending the marriage is the right decision… discussing it with a contrary point of view will only help cement her decision. Keep your interactions light and pleasant… no negative emotions.

Work on yourself. Be the best man you can be. Maintain your connection with your wife and strive to build on it. If she can get her emotional support from you then there is less chance she’ll need to look elsewhere for it. And yes, if she insists on leaving don’t fight it. Very calmly tell her it’s not what you want, but it’s her choice to make. Never give her an ultimatum unless you are sure you are prepared to give up on the marriage. Besides possibly putting the D process in motion, forcing people to stay and love you seems a poor choice for long term happiness to me.

No matter what she says now there’s still a small part of her that is not sure about leaving. Plus, at least for now she’s still there with you. Use this time to your advantage. Best wishes!


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## Shooboomafoo

And using this time to your advantage means to make sensical plans for YOURSELF financially and get all your ducks in a row in case the worst happens. Its okay to be hopeful and willing, but also, be smart about where you will land if a storm hits.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

jtut21 said:


> It can become very easy to settle into a routine and begin to get comfortable in a relationship. Now is the time to break yourself of this comfort level and begin showing her that you are willing to change. She is going through a phase and under poor influence of a friend so you must kick your motive to keep her into high gear. Start showering her with attention and bring back the romance. Do this mainly for the purpose of rebuilding a connection so that the attraction is reignited. Reflect on all the reasons your wife was attracted to you in the early stages of your relationship and begin to implement those things.
> 
> All the best,
> 
> Josh


With all due respect, she's in MLC, following your advice will drive her further away. They are not in their right mind and need to run, all you can do is let them go.


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## abaco

Shooboomafoo said:


> And using this time to your advantage means to make sensical plans for YOURSELF financially and get all your ducks in a row in case the worst happens. Its okay to be hopeful and willing, but also, be smart about where you will land if a storm hits.


My wife told me that she is thinking of moving out, which I told her she has to do what she has to do. She also told me she is meeting with a lawyer next week to see if there would be any negative effects of seperating "even if just for a couple of months". 

I'm doing what everyone is telling me to do. I'm not beging her to stay, I'm just keeping busy with ower son and giving her space. I'm staying nice to her when I see her and I'm trying to stay hopeful but I must admit this really sucks!

She finally told her mother but she just said "we were having problems". She told me that she told her "everything" so of course I opened my big mouth when my mother inlaw asked about things and now she is really upset. 

I wish my wife would just tell me the truth about what she is saying and doing so I would stop catching her in these lies!

Once again thank you all for your advice.


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## Machiavelli

abaco said:


> There is a part of me that wants to investigate my wife and her new friends relationship a little better but on the other hand I have always trusted and believed my wife so I'm not sure if I want to start going down that road, if you know what I mean.


You sound like a real nice guy. Not a good idea at a time like this. Put a PI on your wife when she goes out with her toxic friend. I'm sure you'll find the video he takes to be interesting, to say the least.


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## abaco

abaco said:


> She finally told her mother but she just said "we were having problems". She told me that she told her "everything" so of course I opened my big mouth when my mother inlaw asked about things and now she is really upset.
> 
> Once again thank you all for your advice.


I'm sorry but I need some more help!

As I mentioned my wife told me that she told her mother, now my mother in-law has been begging me to meet with her to talk about what going on with my wife and I. Of course I still really have no idea. Still should I talk to my mother in-law and tell her what I do know or should I stick with the "you really need to talk with your daughter". Or course my wife willn't talk to her mother! I just feel so bad for her because she really is like a mother to me.

Also I don't know if we should continue with marrage counseling?

My wife said she didn't what to go but she did even though I didn't make her go. Still in our last session she mentioned again that her mind is already made up. So since I'm the one paying for the counseling, is it really worth it for us to still go? I'm willing to do or pay anything to make ower marrage work but on the other hand I'm starting to feel like a fool.

Thank you again for all the help, advice and encouragement.


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## SNREF

Wow Im going throw the same thing.

Me and my wifr broke up about 1 year ago i moved out and got my own place no we are back together she just got a really big sugury TUMMY TUCK now she wants to leave me she says she is not in love with me and that she is gay what the hell can i do i love her and dont want to be apart from her!


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## Couleur

abaco -- 

sorry you are going through this. I think you've asked 3 questions.

(1) what is an EA? EA = emotional affair, meaning that your spouse is getting their emotional support, sharing their feelings and experiences with someone outside of the marriage. If the people involved are sexually compatible (which may not be the case for your wife and her female friend) EAs tend to grow into PAs (physical affairs). Either way, they are toxic, because if your spouse is saving her conversation, interest, and feelings for someone else, she is obviously not giving them to you.

(2) Is it worth continuing to go to MC if your spouse doesn't want to? I'd say that it's worth having *you* go to individual counseling to talk through your reaction to this painful and stressful situation. But, as long as your wife isn't interested in reconciling (R), then having her come to MC is unlikely to make her change her mind. And, she can then point to the MC and say "see? it didn't work!" even though she never, ever came with her mind open and willing to try to work on the marriage.

(3) What should you tell your MIL? I'm not sure about this one. On the one hand, there is something to be said for telling MIL that she needs to have these conversations with her daughter. Take the high road, share the facts about what your wife is doing, but refrain from trying to make your MIL your confidant. On the other hand, there are a lot of people who will tell you that involving family and friends and exposing the reckless/ irresponsible behavior is a good strategy. The reality is that your wife's behavior is giving her a "high" right now. She is going out & having new experiences (tattoo) and those new experiences make her body respond with endorphins (the natural high) and flood her brain with chemicals (dopamine) that mimic addiction. This is potent stuff. But just in the same way that a person who overindulges in alcohol can wake up with a big hangover, and someone who gambles will wake up and realize they've frittered away their savings, your wife will have a price to pay for her behavior. And, if her family joins in the "what the heck are your thinking" and tells her "if you continue doing these behaviors, we will respond by x, y and z" then she may have to deal with the negative consequence. 
I will warn you that the consensus is that ultimately your MIL is going to "side" with her daughter. MIL may continue to respect you and care for you as the father of her grandchild, but she is unlikely to help you press for primary custody of your child, etc at the expense of her relationship with her daughter.

You might try reading -- 
"Divorce Remedy" has a section on Mid Life Crises and Walk away spouses.
"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is pretty good at getting you to understand the point of view of the ILYBINILWY spouse.


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