# New Here....13 yr Marriage over or not



## Doglvr

Hi, I’ve been reading the forums for a few months, just couldn’t bring myself to sign up before now. I’m 39, husband is 40 we have a 12 yr old daughter together and I have two sons 22 &15 from a prior relationship. Been married 13 years and together 15.

I am currently trying to decide if I should leave or stick it out until our daughter is a little older. I’ll try to make this as short as possible, but I could write for years. I’m currently seeing a MC on my own because my husband has “changed all he’s going to and if I don’t like it I can get the f*** out of his house”. For the first few years of our marriage I thought he just loved me so much and that was the reason for his controlling and jealous ways. I was pretty much isolated from any friend I had because he’s always hated any friend of mine, also isolated from my family, but more because of my own actions. I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on with us, and was too exhausted dealing with him to have any want to do much of anything.

He stays angry, he’s ripped doors out of our house, thrown stuff, cornered me so I couldn’t leave numerous times, punched holes in walls and destroyed several of my phones and other property, thrown hammers at my car as I was trying to leave....I could go on and on. Each time he would apologize and cry and beg for forgiveness and according to him the only reason he acted like that was because he was afraid of losing me.

He doesn’t like to work and it has always been an issue for us since the beginning, now he has a job that he basically doesn’t work all winter and then only works about 4 days a week for the rest of the year, even though they need him to work 6 days a week... he refuses. I pay ALL bills and anything the kids need are up to me to provide.

A few months ago I told him I wanted a divorce, he has been making major efforts to fix things, he tries to talk to me, he’s been cooking dinner on the days I work, he’s not had any major blowups lately, he’s giving some money towards bills without me having to ask for it, but that’s still only amounting to about $600 a month. Although he still refuses counseling, he’s made noticeable changes. Is there any way he will change after all this time? Should I keep trying since he’s making an effort? I’m just lost


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## Marc878

He's in self preservation mode more than likely but will probably revert back once he thinks the crisis is over.

His anger issues may even worse with time. It sounds like he needs some deep psychiatric help. Without that I wouldn't count on any long term changes.

Better get a plan together


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## Marc878

Doglvr said:


> I am currently trying to decide if I should leave or stick it out until our daughter is a little older. I’ll try to make this as short as possible, but I could write for years. I’m currently seeing a MC on my own because my husband has “changed all he’s going to and if I don’t like it I can get the f*** out of his house”. For the first few years of our marriage I thought he just loved me so much and that was the reason for his controlling and jealous ways. I was pretty much isolated from any friend I had because he’s always hated any friend of mine, also isolated from my family, but more because of my own actions. *I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on with us, and was too exhausted dealing with him to have any want to do much of anything.*
> 
> All you're doing by hiding this is enabling him further. Wake up
> 
> He stays angry, he’s ripped doors out of our house, thrown stuff, cornered me so I couldn’t leave numerous times, punched holes in walls and destroyed several of my phones and other property, thrown hammers at my car as I was trying to leave....I could go on and on. Each time he would apologize and cry and beg for forgiveness and according to him the only reason he acted like that was because he was afraid of losing me.
> 
> This is extremely abusive and your daughter will be affected by it
> 
> He doesn’t like to work and it has always been an issue for us since the beginning, now he has a job that he basically doesn’t work all winter and then only works about 4 days a week for the rest of the year, even though they need him to work 6 days a week... he refuses. I pay ALL bills and anything the kids need are up to me to provide.
> 
> Laziness is a major character flaw. I doubt this will change long term


The only one keeping you in this is you


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## StarFires

The reason you have put up with him for 13 years, the reason you are still there, and the reason you feel lost as to whether you should leave is that you never established any standards for yourself or the men in your life. You just accepted everything that came with this man, instead of deciding for yourself what you do and don't want, and what you will and will not tolerate. Once you decide these things for yourself, your decision won't be so difficult. It will be liberating.

No, your husband will not change on a long-term basis. That type of man never, ever changes. They only make SOME changes for a temporary amount of time (usually just a few weeks) when they realize what they have to lose if they don't. They cry and beg and make all kinds of promises, and then they act like the perfect husband for as short a period of time as they think they can get away with. And then they declare from the rooftops how hard they tried to change and blame the wife for making them do the things they do. Your husband is not the only one. It's a very common - an extremely common - script. Although I'm sure you feel alone and confused, there is nothing unique about your situation, your feelings, or your confusion. If you don't believe how common it is, go and talk to an abuse counselor or just speak with a staff member at a DV shelter. If you dial 211 or google the Domestic Violence Hotline, either number can direct you to domestic violence shelters in your area. But DO NOT tell your husband about them or that you are talking to them. They're available around the clock, so you can call anytime. Many of them have counselors in residence but if they don't, you can still speak with a staff person. Either will help you get clarity and help you understand the cycle of power and abuse. Your husband is only cycling.

So think about what you want in a husband. Did you expect you were signing up for an abusive man who uses intimidation to control you? Did you dream of this being the life you would live? Did you think you would be taking care of him, your children, and yourself with little or no financial assistance for the household from him? And believe me, his reason for acting so angry and violent is so that you focus on THAT and not all his other shortcomings. He knows he is inadequate. He knows he is using you. So, he knows he has to intimidate you and act out in ways that will deflect your attention so you don't notice his inadequacies and don't notice that you are being used so he can be as lazy as he wants to be. He thinks the intimidation makes him look like a big strong man in your eyes to make you too afraid to complain about anything, too afraid to expect more from him, and too afraid to leave.

Now think about everything you have tolerated and ask yourself why you have put up with him all these years. You have reached an age where you're beginning to question who you are because you haven't known that all this time. You haven't decided who you want to be or established your expectations. The beginning of understanding and defining yourself is this first step you have taken by reaching out for advice because you know there is something wrong with the picture of your life.

All you have to do now is get some real help from people who are trained in these kinds of circumstances. They can help you formulate a safe plan to leave or to get him out of your house.


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## StarFires

Doglvr said:


> Iâ€™m currently seeing a MC on my own because my husband has â€œchanged all heâ€™s going to and if I donâ€™t like it I can get the f*** out of his houseâ€�.


Are you saying that is what he told you? Or is that your own assessment?
If that is what he told you, then why are you still there unable to make a decision? It seemed from the rest of your post that the changes he has made are not enough, so why are you still confused? Or did I read that wrong and his changes are satisfactory to you, but you're just wondering if they will last? Again, no they won't last, but his changed behavior isn't enough anyway. You have never been able to depend on him and you never will.

But if he said that to you, then it's a pretty crappy thing to say, and you shouldn't take it. You don't know who you are and need to figure that out.


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## MattMatt

As an older and hopefully now wiser man, I think you and your daughter need to act on your "husband's" advice and get the **** out of his house.

At the moment whilst a counsellor is of some help to you a divorce lawyer will be of more direct benefit.


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## Doglvr

I’m sorry I can’t figure out how to reply individually, but yes he stated to me that he’s changed as much as he’s going to and if it’s not enough to get the f out. 

I also agree that I’ve never set standards or known what I wanted in any relationship, I’ve just settled because I grew up abused physically and I’ve always thought that what he’s done is ok because he’s never hit me. It’s something I’m slowly figuring out, and counseling seems to be helping me figure out myself, as well as helping with some self esteem.

I didn’t know how much detail I should go into last night, but I’ve rented a house that he knows nothing about, I’ve completely furnished it and I’m waiting for the right time to move, mainly waiting on kids to get out of school for summer break.....

I am struggling because I feel so guilty, I feel like I’m hurting him. 

Thank you for everyone’s replies.


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## TJW

He's never going to change, in any permanent way. Get yourself and your tender-age kids into safety.


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## 3Xnocharm

Doglvr said:


> I didn’t know how much detail I should go into last night, but I’ve rented a house that he knows nothing about, I’ve completely furnished it and I’m waiting for the right time to move, mainly waiting on kids to get out of school for summer break.....
> 
> I am struggling because I feel so guilty, I feel like I’m hurting him.
> 
> Thank you for everyone’s replies.


Dont you feel guilty for one single second! I can guarantee you he has zero guilt about the ways that he has abused you over the years. Keep this secret, and try not to let him know where you are once you go. It sounds like it would be a smart idea once you have your plan worked out, to move out while he is out working, or to have the police there to supervise while you move. Basing this on the throwing hammers at your car etc from before. 

You are stronger than you realize, keep it up.


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## BluesPower

You should have never stayed as long as you have already. 

If everything you are saying is true, you should file for divorce NOW. 

HE can move out of the house, he can support himself, he can deal with his own issues. 

He is sick in some way. It could just be anger and whatever is causing that, he could just be lazy, it could be a lot of things, but YOU are not going to fix them. 

I bet he has not taken the best care of himself. Is he as good looking as he was 12 years ago? 

What ever his problems are, like I said, you cannot fix them. 

You need to file now and he needs to get lost as much as possible...


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## Doglvr

Thank you all for the encouragement, it has seriously taken me years to realize how abusive and unhealthy this relationship has been, everything I’ve said it the complete truth and there’s SO much more beyond these things that’s been done......

I can’t keep our house because it’s built on his fathers land, so I have had to wait until I was capable of providing for us, and also felt like I had to stay in order to protect my daughter, our State doesn’t allow the child to have say so in custody agreements before the age of 12 and I was scared she would have to spend every other weekend alone with him.

I’m trying to keep moving forward, I have days where I know I’m doing the right thing but then days I feel like I’m betraying him and feel so guilty. I’m keeping it a secret until the day I move out, and I’ve got a security system and additional window and door security already installed.


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## Marc878

Your thoughts about feeling guilty about being abused are misguided.

You need to wake up before this gets worse


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## SongoftheSouth

i dont know if its my connection but i am seeing strange letters/characters in your submissions. regardless he seems absolutely terrible and abusive. so sorry


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## musiclover

you really need to get out of this relationship. I was abused too; its easy to blame yourself. No one deserves to have things thrown at them, being cornered, etc. 

I’ve been thru this, controlling jealousy madness. I got out you can too. Pm me if you want someone to talk too. I was married 20 years before i got the hell out and I have no regrets.


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## Uptown

DogLvr, I suggest that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you're dealing with. My concern is that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong fear of abandonment (jealousy and attempts to isolate you away from friends and family), verbal abuse, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and may help you decide when professional guidance is needed for you or your children.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.


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