# Emotional Affair I think, Crying for help!!



## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Hi everyone i am new to this forum and I have come here because I am finding it extremely difficult to cope with life at the moment.

So here is my story, I have been with my partner for 11 years now and at times its been a real struggle. I have been bad tempered and done a few stupid things like breaking stuff etc. We were living in Aberdeen, Scotland and it was not really working out as my partner had no friends and no break from being home alone and that put a strain on things which in turn made me act in bad ways. So she moved back to the south of England nearer family so she could be out more etc. I had stayed in Aberdeen for a few months after she moved and I spent xmas alone and also missed my sons birthday. Anyway I had a good friend who i decided i would invite down for halloween last year, my partner had never met him before. So he arrived and him and my partner seemed to be getting on really well and i was like oh good they are getting on and its nice for us to share a friend. That first night i went to bed around midnight and I woke around 5:30 am and went downstairs to find them both still up talking, this got my bac up a bit tbh, and not long after i got up they both went to bed. This pattern repeated for the entire week and we even argued in front of my friend about. I would be up early with my son and they would not be up til much later on and of course they would then stay up all night again, at one point I fell asleep while we were all chatting and she shouted at me and even said "why don't you just go to f**king bed", i said to her well why don't you come up as well and she flatly said no i want stay up with 'bob'. One night i remember waking at around 4am and partner was not in bed, all was quite downstairs, lights off etc so i thought whats going on, my mind is now racing and all sorts of thoughts are going through my head as i sneak very quietly downstairs. I see the room he is in the door is shut but the light is on and then i hear her let off a little giggle. I decided i wont barge in so i knocked and entered and there they were just sat talking away, she being sat under his covers at the end of his bed. So friday comes and i have agreed to go to her mums house to take a delivery of some stuff for their roof. My partner has told me to go alone and that she will get up with my son, So i chase her up and chase her up and she will not get out of bed, so i take my son with me. Now bearing in mind that for the whole week neither of them where out of bed until at least 10:30am, this particular friday she rings me at like 8:30 and says she and him are both up and he is getting in the shower. I could not help but think they would make an effort to get up when i was not there. So anyway the day comes when he goes home and i feel a bit of relief that its over, how wrong i was. I asked him to text me when he arrived back safely, well lets just say he didn't. so time comes and I think he must be home by now but i have not heard anything. And I have this horrible twist in my gut, so i grab her phone and have a look and low and behold there it is the message from him to her saying he made it back safely and he really misses basingstoke, she replies basingstoke really misses you to. Now this made me mad at both him and her, i said to him why did you not text me to which he said it was an accident. I said to her why did you not tell me he messaged you and she said well the way you would react i couldn't. This texting went on for a few weeks and numerous times i caught her out and she denied it all, at one point i saw a message in her phone while she had it in her hand and asked her calmly why are you still messaging him, she stood up walked out the room and shortly came back and said she did not know what i was talking about and funnily enough the message i had just seen was now deleted. I got fed up of all the lying and deceit so in the end decided to ask her to delete his number, which she did sort of. Only I later found out she had saved it as her sisters name instead, i had really had enough at this point and decided to change one digit in the phone number and also to put a block on anyone not in her contacts list being able to contact her. I confronted her and she claims she saved his number like that to see if i was tracking what she was doing. Things gradually got better right up until October this year nearly exactly a year on from this, she started being distant again and again my gut started turning so in the end i asked what was wrong, how i wish i had not. She went on a massive rant about how pissed off at me she was for how i handled the situation the year before. I have not even given it a second thought and here she is claiming she is not bothered but she does not like the fact i interfered. Bear with me nearly at the end now lol. So a few weeks go by and things just are not right and then the main issue comes to light. I had her laptop while she had to use my PC and i go to the facebook login page and there in the e-mail box is an e-mail address i have never seen, i say to her "is this your e-mail address" she replies "yes". I politely ask oh so you are on facebook then and she says "no". So i hit enter and of course no password inserted so cant login and there it is her facebook profile asking for correct password. I say to her oh so is this not you then, she got defensive very quickly. She claims its not for anything and she just wants it to connect with friends from her degree she is doing. So i accept that with a pinch of salt as now i do not trust her at all. Couple weeks go by and things seem to be getting a bit worse and she is becoming very cagey. Until one night all of a sudden she is acting very odd, closing her laptop lid when i go near and taking her laptop to the toilet with her. Now i am very suspicious as also today she put a pic of herself all done up with make up etc as her profile pick and now this. I login to my facebook account and locate my so called mate and there she is on his friends list. Now just before this when she took her laptop to the toilet she left her phone behind so i had a look and there were some texts to her best 'girlfriend' saying things like Friend request sent, i messaged him, oh he messaged me back my heart just did a flip whats wrong with me.
I confront her again and again to begin with she denies it and she starts portraying me to be paranoid and a psycho and she just wanted to know how he is. I said why do you need to know how he is that does not matter after last year, she still refuses to see why i might react in certain ways and be hurt by all this. To make matters worse she is moving back to Scotland in January 2014, luckily the move came about before she was talking to him or god knows what i would think. There have also been plenty other things she has acted strange about and because i trust my gut i have followed up and each time i have found that she is lying. Oh one more thing i decided i want to see what she is saying on facebook so i get a keylogger to record her keystrokes. I found out recently her facebook password contains his name, and also a few other people from scotland we where friends with she has been telling that we broke up last year, she even told this guy she was single and loving it. And she has another friend not from scotland that she has told we are together.

Sorry for the very long post but i am at a complete loss and really need some help here. Thanks for taking the time to read this and i look forward to hearing your responses.:scratchhead:


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Fascinating. My stbxh wrote "Single and loving it!!!" on his facebook page as well.....under a picture of him snuggling with his gold digger. He had not even given me the "I want a divorce" speech yet.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

The only thing i forgot to add was that she keeps saying she just wants him as a friend on facebook and nothing more.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> The only thing i forgot to add was that she keeps saying she just wants him as a friend on facebook and nothing more.


Don't believe it for a second.


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

Dude, you found your partner 'sitting' in bed with your friend, in your house and you didn't kick him out? What is the matter with you? They were having an affair right under your nose. Do you think it's right that someone in a committed relationship stays up till morning to 'talk' with someone when her partner is upstairs sleeping? Do you think it's okay that she also went to your guest room with him and "giggle"??? For real. And you called it "emotional affair"? I doubt it. I think it's a physical affair that started right under your nose and you don't do anything about it but complaining to her. Please find some backbone. Your 'friend'? He is not your friend at all. I bet he was laughing on the inside because you heard your partner was in your guest room with him and you were "polite" enough to knock first and let him stayed after all that. It's your house, your guest room. I would have thrown his (and her if she complained) belongings outside that night if I were you.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I don't thats for sure, no one goes to these lengths to just be friends on facebook, its starting to get to me i can't sleep and I have lost over a stone in weight in less than a week. If i even mention it she goes nuts, i have found out by other means that she had feelings for him and i have said to her i understand it etc and she still denies it even though i actually have recorded proof of her saying it. Thanks for the responses tho its good to get other opinions on this:smthumbup:


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Stronger-now said:


> Dude, you found your partner 'sitting' in bed with your friend, in your house and you didn't kick him out? What is the matter with you? They were having an affair right under your nose. Do you think it's right that someone in a committed relationship stays up till morning to 'talk' with someone when her partner is upstairs sleeping? Do you think it's okay that she also went to your guest room with him and "giggle"??? For real. And you called it "emotional affair"? I doubt it. I think it's a physical affair that started right under your nose and you don't do anything about it but complaining to her. Please find some backbone. Your 'friend'? He is not your friend at all. I bet he was laughing on the inside because you heard your partner was in your guest room with him and you were "polite" enough to knock first and let him stayed after all that. It's your house, your guest room. I would have thrown his (and her if she complained) belongings outside that night if I were you.


I actually agree with you, but it was not that easy for me as tbh i have put her through hell with my temper in the past and i guess part of me felt guilty and that because she liked him i would upset her again, and actually yes now i come to think of it there were a couple times i saw her stroke his arm, but i vowed to not be the angry person again mainly because when the red mist descends over my eyes i lose control. I have also gone to the lengths of checking her internet history and pretty much every day she is looking at his facebook profile and pictures of him, and also listening to 'hungry eyes' from dirty dancing an awful lot


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## Stronger-now (Oct 31, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> I actually agree with you, but it was not that easy for me as tbh i have put her through hell with my temper in the past and i guess part of me felt guilty and that because she liked him i would upset her again, and actually yes now i come to think of it there were a couple times i saw her stroke his arm, but i vowed to not be the angry person again mainly because when the red mist descends over my eyes i lose control


Laying your hands on him or her would be "lose control." But throwing his things out of your house and tell him to leave after he disrespected you like that in your own house? NO.

Enough with complaining to her. Just tell her that you cannot accept whatever "friendship" she has with your ex friend. But it has to stop if she still wants to be with you. It's her choice, stop the affair and work on your relationship or you will end your relationship and she can be with him. I don't know your legal status, are you married to her or not, whether you are the sole proprietor of your house or not. If the house is under both of your names, you cannot kick her out. But you can put her stuff in the guest room where she was "talking" with the guy and cherishing the memory of her affair, chatting with him on Facebook whatever, while you file for a divorce. 

I know I know, you still love her. But she is having an affair no matter how she spins it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It sounds like she fell "in love" with your "good friend."

What does your good friend have to say about all of this? Why don't you tell your good friend to back the f off?

Explain your relationship with your partner, are your married, exclusive, have a child together, plans for the future? What is the understanding and agreement between the two of you?

Is she moving away from you again? Do you live together now? Will you live together come January?

She has lied to you about this guy almost from the moment they met. Many of the things your partner did to hide it, and is doing still, are extremely common for cheaters. Regardless of the content of any of their communications, or even your wife's intentions, isn't all of the lying about it bad enough?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Stronger-now said:


> Laying your hands on him or her would be "lose control." But throwing his things out of your house and tell him to leave after he disrespected you like that in your own house? NO.
> 
> Enough with complaining to her. Just tell her that you cannot accept whatever "friendship" she has with your ex friend. But it has to stop if she still wants to be with you. It's her choice, stop the affair and work on your relationship or you will end your relationship and she can be with him. I don't know your legal status, are you married to her or not, whether you are the sole proprietor of your house or not. If the house is under both of your names, you cannot kick her out. But you can put her stuff in the guest room where she was "talking" with the guy and cherishing the memory of her affair, chatting with him on Facebook whatever, while you file for a divorce.
> 
> I know I know, you still love her. But she is having an affair no matter how she spins it.


No we are not married and the house is in her name, i however pay the bills. Thanks as well you reminded me of something else this is brilliant, after he left and i confronted her about the texting thing she slept in that room for about a week. Should i just lay all my cards on the table and tell her everything i know and then give her an ultimatum. Problem is she is moving to the city where he lives in a couple months and this whole facebook thing has come about not long after the descision to move back


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> i have found out by other means that she had feelings for him ... i actually have recorded proof of her saying it.


So then you know what's going on, but you just don't know what to do about it?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> It sounds like she fell "in love" with your "good friend."
> 
> What does your good friend have to say about all of this? Why don't you tell your good friend to back the f off?
> 
> ...


We have a child together yes and apparently when she moves we are having a break to see how things go, she has also already said that she thinks i will message him and tell him to back off and that if i do that it will embarress her, she also said that if i messaged him and said that she had lied about being single she would simply tell him i am a psycho who can't let go


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> So then you know what's going on, but you just don't know what to do about it?


Pretty much yeah


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Also for a bit of background on her best 'girlfriend', she lost her boyfriend last year to cancer and since then she has been a big part in my partners life. At one point recently after she found out my partner had facebook she even asked her if she "had looked for anyone else she had not seen in a while, you know what i mean" my view is she is interfering in my relationship and as she has nothing to lose she does not care about encouraging my partner to pursue this fantasy. So i am fighting 3 people, my partner, her friend and this guy


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> apparently when she moves we are having a break to see how things go,
> 
> she also said that if i messaged him and said that she had lied about being single she would simply tell him i am a psycho who can't let go


So it is quite evident she is telling you to your face that she plans to present herself as single to him so that he and she can explore whatever romantic relationship they might desire.

And at the same time she is telling others, who live elsewhere, that you two are still together.

This is called "cake eating." She wants to explore romance with another man, while having you at home (with son, presumably?), while she lives the single dating lifestyle and sees how things work out with your friend. If they work out with your friend, she will leave you for him. If they don't work out with him, she has you to come back to. Having her cake and eating it, too.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> So it is quite evident she is telling you to your face that she plans to present herself as single to him so that he and she can explore whatever romantic relationship they might desire.
> 
> And at the same time she is telling others, who live elsewhere, that you two are still together.
> 
> This is called "cake eating." She wants to explore romance with another man, while having you at home (with son, presumably?), while she lives the single dating lifestyle and sees how things work out with your friend. If they work out with your friend, she will leave you for him. If they don't work out with him, she has you to come back to. Having her cake and eating it, too.


It certainly appears to be the case yeah, i just wish i knew what to do about it, do i message him and look like the possesive ex she has made me out to be, do i offer her an ultimatum i am only 30 years old and have been with her since i was 19, i also have a step daughter with her that i took on when i was 19, she has however moved in with her grandparents.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> she even asked her if she "had looked for anyone else she had not seen in a while, you know what i mean"
> 
> my view is she is interfering in my relationship and as she has nothing to lose she does not care about encouraging my partner to pursue this fantasy.
> 
> So i am fighting 3 people, my partner, her friend and this guy


I think you may be a little off base about the "toxic" friend. I don't necessarily see from the little bit you posted that the friend is too serious a part of this. My read on it is that the friend is probably only reacting to what your partner is telling her. For example, your partner probably is complaining about you to her friend, telling how unhappy she is with you, how controlling you are, how tough you are to live with, how she wishes she had hooked up with so-and-so or so-and-so who she used to like back in her school days, etc., and the friend is just reacting to that. If your partner told her friend what a great partner you are and how much she loves you, her friend's reaction might be quite different. Or maybe not.

Some friends might argue your case for you with your partner, tell your partner, "no, he is a good guy, you are crazy for risking it with this other guy," etc., but she is not doing that for you, so in that sense she is what we refer to as a "toxic" friend who is hurting your marriage.

I just don't think you should spend too much time worrying about the toxic friend. You should focus on your wife and the other man.

Would you ever go out with a "good friend"'s ex? I know I wouldn't, even after they were "divorced," even 10 years later, or a 100. You just don't mess with that kind of stuff and there are plenty of women out there, why mess with that one?

Would you ever stay up with another guy's partner, have her in your guest room in HIS house, giggling, under your covers, and do this type of thing every night for a week? I would never even do it once, I would remove myself from that situation immediately and tell my friend I was not comfortable with how his partner was acting. Is he that hard up for a woman that he is willing to encourage a good friend's partner, or is he just a low-life slimeball?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1, you can't control other people. You can't issue ultimatums whether you're married or unmarried. Adults will do what they want.

All you can do is let them know what you will put up with. This your boundary. 

I suggest you tell your partner that you know about her fledging relationship with your ex-friend. If she moves to visit him and further their relationship then you will consider your relationship with her at and end. It's her choice. She is free to do what she wants.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I had a tight-knit circle of friends when I was growing up, we grew apart over the years, but I'm fairly positive that even today 30 years or more down the road that none of us would ever do what your "good friend" is doing with your partner.

If I found out what you already know, one thing I probably would do is to tell my other friends what the slimeball friend is up to. I would pay the slimeball friend a visit and confront him very directly and force the issue as far as what the heck is he thinking about and what is going on. If he gave me any "just friends" or "we talk about you and how to improve your relationship with her" bullspit, or no matter what he said, I would tell him to knock it the f off. I don't know if this would have any effect, probably not, but I would do it anyway.

As far as "partner" is concerned, I would tell her if she wants to be single, then we can both be single. Let's come to an understanding, if we are separated and exploring other options, then we BOTH are separated and exploring other options, not just you. If you don't love me and don't want to be with me anymore, then go, I am too proud to be someone's backup plan.

If she says she wants you and your relationship, tell her you expect her to show you through actions, not just words, that she is committed to you and working your relationship out, making it better, falling back in love, etc. AND YOU WILL DO THE SAME.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> troysdad1, you can't control other people. You can't issue ultimatums whether you're married or unmarried. Adults will do what they want.
> 
> All you can do is let them know what you will put up with. This your boundary.
> 
> I suggest you tell your partner that you know about her fledging relationship with your ex-friend. If she moves to visit him and further their relationship then you will consider your relationship with her at and end. It's her choice. She is free to do what she wants.


I have tried to tell her that they have both overstepped the line, but she just dismisses is it as though i am paranoid and psychopathic, even her family don't know the full extent of all of this. I have been reading the 'cheaters script' and lol some of it is so familiar its unreal


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I think you may be a little off base about the "toxic" friend. I don't necessarily see from the little bit you posted that the friend is too serious a part of this. My read on it is that the friend is probably only reacting to what your partner is telling her. For example, your partner probably is complaining about you to her friend, telling how unhappy she is with you, how controlling you are, how tough you are to live with, how she wishes she had hooked up with so-and-so or so-and-so who she used to like back in her school days, etc., and the friend is just reacting to that. If your partner told her friend what a great partner you are and how much she loves you, her friend's reaction might be quite different. Or maybe not.
> 
> Some friends might argue your case for you with your partner, tell your partner, "no, he is a good guy, you are crazy for risking it with this other guy," etc., but she is not doing that for you, so in that sense she is what we refer to as a "toxic" friend who is hurting your marriage.
> 
> ...


I can't get my head around that one, even being told to go the *bleep* bed, then being told they're taking a break when she goes to the city.

Something doesn't sit right with this post. All the markers/clues and yet OP didn't do anything. The pacification is almost too much


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> I had a tight-knit circle of friends when I was growing up, we grew apart over the years, but I'm fairly positive that even today 30 years or more down the road that none of us would ever do what your "good friend" is doing with your partner.
> 
> If I found out what you already know, one thing I probably would do is to tell my other friends what the slimeball friend is up to. I would pay the slimeball friend a visit and confront him very directly and force the issue as far as what the heck is he thinking about and what is going on. If he gave me any "just friends" or "we talk about you and how to improve your relationship with her" bullspit, or no matter what he said, I would tell him to knock it the f off. I don't know if this would have any effect, probably not, but I would do it anyway.
> 
> ...


Good advice here thanks you, i have wanted to confront him for a long time, i certainly would not do what he did as a friend (using that term very loosely) there are boundaries you just don't cross and he jumped over them and let me be honest if he were in the same town as me god help him. Yes he is a slimeball and i wish i never laid eyes on him let alone introduce him to my so called partner


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

BobSimmons said:


> I can't get my head around that one, even being told to go the *bleep* bed, then being told they're taking a break when she goes to the city.
> 
> Something doesn't sit right with this post. All the markers/clues and yet OP didn't do anything. The pacification is almost too much


Agreed but too bad i did not think about it at the time, like i said previously i was trying in some way to prove that i was no longer the angry person i used to be, however it has bitten me in the ass.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> As far as "partner" is concerned, I would tell her if she wants to be single, then we can both be single. Let's come to an understanding, if we are separated and exploring other options, then we BOTH are separated and exploring other options, not just you.


To elaborate a little further on this, personally, this situation would be unacceptable to me, I think. There is no telling how I would feel after the fact, but if I knew my wife had explored ("sex-plored"?) a relationship with my "good friend," I don't think I could ever take her back. If that is the case with you, then you should let her know.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> To elaborate a little further on this, personally, this situation would be unacceptable to me, I think. There is no telling how I would feel after the fact, but if I knew my wife had explored ("sex-plored"?) a relationship with my "good friend," I don't think I could ever take her back. If that is the case with you, then you should let her know.


My biggest problem i think is that she is constantly blaming it all on me, and its only now i realize she is using it as an excuse to justify her actions with this guy


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> My biggest problem i think is that she is constantly blaming it all on me, and its only now i realize she is using it as an excuse to justify her actions with this guy


Does she acknowledge she wants to leave open the possibility of a romantic relationship with this guy, that a romantic relationship with him is a possibility in the future?

Or does she maintain that this guy is now and always will be "just a friend"?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> I have tried to tell her that they have both overstepped the line, but she just dismisses is it as though i am paranoid and psychopathic,


She KNOWS what she's doing is wrong, every bit of the way she has treated you on this. So does the despicable ex-friend. Save your breath. You can't control people.



> even her family don't know the full extent of all of this.


So tell them. Cheaters thrive in secrecy. They HATE having the world look into their affairs.



> I have been reading the 'cheaters script' and lol some of it is so familiar its unreal


Yes. It's entirely predictable with just minor details changing.

You know what she's doing and why she's doing it. She wants to test-drive your ex-friend whilst having you as the fall-back plan.

You can't control her. It's up to you how you allow people to treat you.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Does she acknowledge she wants to leave open the possibility of a romantic relationship with this guy, that a romantic relationship with him is a possibility in the future?
> 
> Or does she maintain that this guy is now and always will be "just a friend"?


she maintains to me he is just a friend on facebook. However a few weeks ago she had a psychic reading done from which she received a copy on cd. She stated it was a meditation cd to help her relax, i offered we both listen to it and chill out. She immediately got on the defensive and said she was not listening to it until she moved. Obviously suspicion aroused i listened to it when she was out and she stated clearly there that she had feelings for him etc, she even lied about how she met him she claimed it was through another friend. Also she stated that she would like to maybe see him in the future. She asked this psychic if she should pursue him and he said no:scratchhead:


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

so azteca you think i should spill the beans to her family, i have been toying with the idea for a while now


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I suppose i should now also mention that she is currently in Scotland with previous mentioned best friend, she is viewing the house she is moving to, so far today no contact from her whatsoever not even a text to ask how our son is:scratchhead:


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> so azteca you think i should spill the beans to her family, i have been toying with the idea for a while now


Before you spill the beans to her family, print out the messages saying that she is single, and the ones saying she is still in a relationship with you. Make copies and put them in a safe place. Burn a copy of the CD. Sit down with her with a copy of the messages and the CD.

Tell her, we have been together 11 years, we have a son together, we have been through life's ups and downs together, l want to talk to you honestly about what has been and is still going on between us, especially concerning you and your feelings toward me and your feelings toward my ex-friend. Lay the messages and CD on the table, tell her you have read these messages and others, and you have listened to the CD as well, and you just need to know so you can go forward with your life and she can go forward with hers without any more confusion on your part and no more lies between you.

Reiterate to her that you have been together 11 years, have a long history together, been through life's ups and downs, and that no matter what, even though you may have made mistakes, you always loved her and still do, you always put her number one, and you feel you at least deserve the truth of what is going on. If she doesn't want to be with you, if she wants to be with him, fine, but stop lying about it.

Tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself, and what you are willing to accept and not accept in this relationship, and you are NOT willing to accept her relationship with another man while she still is with you.

Tell her you are willing to work on the relationship with her, you are not willing to put up with any more lies. Make no threats, give no ultimatums, do this as calmly as possible, don't slam your fist on the table or break anything, it is OK to express anger, disappointment, hurt, a sense of betrayal, etc., but do not yell or scream.

If she still denies what is going on, still says she wants to separate, then you may want to consider exposing the full truth to selected family members, don't tell her you are considering this, if you are going to do it, just do it. There is no reason to let her lie and say that she left you because of your anger or some other reason if in fact the real reason was to explore a relationship with your ex-friend.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You haven't brought it up, so I am assuming it is a non-issue, but does your not being married play into this situation at all? In other words, does she now or has she in the past ever wanted to get married?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> so azteca you think i should spill the beans to her family, i have been toying with the idea for a while now


It's called 'Exposure' and it's a tool that people here have used successfully to break up affairs.

You ask people that are important to her to tell her to come to her senses for the sake of your family and your relationship. You appeal to people who will hold her accountable for her choices and actions. 

Exposure puts the spotlight on her. But it's only fair to warn you that cheaters HATE it and she'll resent it. So, have a read around here before you do anything.

Most of all, you need to see where your relationship is heading. If she wants out, there's not an awful lot you can do about it. She's already calling herself single, afterall.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> she maintains to me he is just a friend on facebook.
> 
> I suppose i should now also mention that she is currently in Scotland with previous mentioned best friend, she is viewing the house she is moving to, so far today no contact from her whatsoever not even a text to ask how our son is


So I guess it is safe to say that she would have to admit that he is now not JUST a friend on facebook, but actually a friend IN PERSON, who sees her FACE to FACE, and helps her do stuff IN PERSON, not just a facebook friend?

I would suspect she will be taking it physical this weekend if she is alone with him for a few days. Where is she staying while there?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> So I guess it is safe to say that she would have to admit that he is now not JUST a friend on facebook, but actually a friend IN PERSON, who sees her FACE to FACE, and helps her do stuff IN PERSON, not just a facebook friend?
> 
> I would suspect she will be taking it physical this weekend if she is alone with him for a few days. Where is she staying while there?


She is with her best friend the one i mentioned who lost her bf last year up there staying in a hotel for the weekend she is viewing the house today, we have not spoken since last night and that was just a blunt goodnight text, her and her friend are however sharing a room. I would also like to point out now that this so called friend is 10 years younger than her a just 24 (the other male involved) not the friend she is up there with.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> You haven't brought it up, so I am assuming it is a non-issue, but does your not being married play into this situation at all? In other words, does she now or has she in the past ever wanted to get married?


marriage has been mentioned and at one point it was a serious option but now obviously it is not


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The cheater's script is to play it off like we were just friends on facebook (or we met when we were introduced by a different mutual friend, as you already heard on the CD), we hardly ever messaged, I went to live in his town for other reasons entirely, he helped me find a place to live there, he was the only person I knew there, before you know it feelings developed, we couldn't help it, it just happened, and I already had told troysdad that I was leaving him no matter what, that we were separated.

That way, she can avoid having to admit she cheated. Let's face it, no one likes a liar and a cheater, so she doesn't want that to be her story. She is trying to manipulate the story so that when people ask how they met, she doesn't have to say "he was my partner's good friend who I cheated with."


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> She is with her best friend the one i mentioned who lost her bf last year up there staying in a hotel for the weekend she is viewing the house today, we have not spoken since last night and that was just a blunt goodnight text, her and her friend are however sharing a room. I would also like to point out now that this so called friend is 10 years younger than her a just 24 (the other male involved) not the friend she is up there with.


Sorry, I misunderstood and thought you meant your ex-good friend.

Still, I would expect that ex-good friend will be meeting up with them at some point.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> The cheater's script is to play it off like we were just friends on facebook (or we met when we were introduced by a different mutual friend, as you already heard on the CD), we hardly ever messaged, I went to live in his town for other reasons entirely, he helped me find a place to live there, he was the only person I knew there, before you know it feelings developed, we couldn't help it, it just happened, and I already had told troysdad that I was leaving him no matter what, that we were separated.
> 
> That way, she can avoid having to admit she cheated. Let's face it, no one likes a liar and a cheater, so she doesn't want that to be her story. She is trying to manipulate the story so that when people ask how they met, she doesn't have to say "he was my partner's good friend who I cheated with."


This sounds about right, but i ask myself what the hell is he playing it, she messages him out of the blue a year after the other stuff and has no problem acting as though i never existed. Hate is a strong word but i hate him and i am starting to hate her for what she is doing with him.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Sorry, I misunderstood and thought you meant your ex-good friend.
> 
> Still, I would expect that ex-good friend will be meeting up with them at some point.


I have felt this ever since the facebook discovery, although she denies it and there is no evidence in her messages to him that she even mentioned her going up there, i however do not trust anything she says and would not be surprised if she found a way of contacting him by other means


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Before you spill the beans to her family, print out the messages saying that she is single, and the ones saying she is still in a relationship with you. Make copies and put them in a safe place. Burn a copy of the CD. Sit down with her with a copy of the messages and the CD.
> 
> Tell her, we have been together 11 years, we have a son together, we have been through life's ups and downs together, l want to talk to you honestly about what has been and is still going on between us, especially concerning you and your feelings toward me and your feelings toward my ex-friend. Lay the messages and CD on the table, tell her you have read these messages and others, and you have listened to the CD as well, and you just need to know so you can go forward with your life and she can go forward with hers without any more confusion on your part and no more lies between you.
> 
> ...


This is something i want to do but i will tell you how it will play out.
I will mention these things and she will straight away start shouting saying i have a big problem with him and i am nuts. Then it will go back to blaming me for my temper in the past and many other things that are not even vaguely related to the subject in hand. She will go ahead and deny any wrong doing with him and that its all innocent and she just wanted to find out randomly a year later if he was ok.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> I have felt this ever since the facebook discovery, although she denies it and there is no evidence in her messages to him that she even mentioned her going up there, i however do not trust anything she says and would not be surprised if she found a way of contacting him by other means


There is no way you can monitor all her communications, there are too many ways to hide it, especially with her best friend as a helper, so I would agree, it's not likely she would be looking at his facebook page every single day and then not tell him she would be in the neighborhood.

You have to figure she would hide it from you, after all, you haven't exactly been subtle about how you feel about it. Likely she has been hiding other stuff from you, that you have not seen the entirety of their communications, and that likely much more has been communicated than she has let on.

As far as your low-life ex-friend, I guess he really is just the type that will take whatever comes his way, no matter if it is a friend's woman. I would have to think it is very, very unusual for a 24-year-old single guy to want to explore a serious long-term romantic relationship with a 34-year-old woman who has two kids. I think most parents and even other friends would discourage a young single guy from getting started in that type of relationship, though they might accept it somewhere down the line, initially they would advise against it and tell him to find a woman his own age who has no other commitments.

IF this situation plays out and heads the direction it seems to be heading, then my guess would be that he will use her for sex, for booty calls, and never commit to her. At some level, she must realize this also, and thus that is why she still wants to keep you on the hook.

Alternatively, she could really have made up her mind that she is done with you, and she is not expecting anything long term from the new guy, but in that case I would think she would have told you so she can go forward with this guy without the "taint" of cheating/infidelity on her new relationships

She must be very flattered that, at 34 with two kids, she can still pull a 24-year-old single guy. He must make her feel like she's still got it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> This is something i want to do but i will tell you how it will play out.
> I will mention these things and *she will straight away start shouting *saying i have a big problem with him and i am nuts. Then it will go back to blaming me for my temper in the past and many other things that are not even vaguely related to the subject in hand. She will go ahead and deny any wrong doing with him and that its all innocent and she just wanted to find out randomly a year later if he was ok.


Sounds like she is the one with the anger problem.

If she calls you nuts, hand her the messages and the CD and tell her you would like to get a second opinion from your family, her family, your friends, her friends - tell her you want to let them read the messages and listen to the CD and see if they think you're crazy or whether they would agree that you have something to be suspicious about. Tell her if they all agree you are crazy after hearing what you heard, and reading what you read, then you will back down and admit that you really are crazy.

Another method is just to stay calm, tell her that you know what is going on, that no matter how loud she screams or protests, it does not change the truth that you know.

At some point, you have to decide if you want to stay with her and allow her to continue to treat you this way.

I still think you should at least try to talk to her.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Sounds like she is the one with the anger problem.
> 
> If she calls you nuts, hand her the messages and the CD and tell her you would like to get a second opinion from your family, her family, your friends, her friends - tell her you want to let them read the messages and listen to the CD and see if they think you're crazy or whether they would agree that you have something to be suspicious about. Tell her if they all agree you are crazy after hearing what you heard, and reading what you read, then you will back down and admit that you really are crazy.
> 
> ...


She finally text me today and i will admit this morning i dropped her a message on facebook saying that i did not like the fact it felt like she was having him as a back-up when she moves in january, she responded by saying i have put her off men, i said i was being honest to which she replied that my honesty always came back to him which is sad


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> She must be very flattered that, at 34 with two kids, she can still pull a 24-year-old single guy. He must make her feel like she's still got it.


Yes she probably is, but he is not single, she still claims that if she got someone else it would not be him, i think she is in a state of denial


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I would love to sit down and talk with her about all this, and here comes the but, she would still deny it all and say i am in the wrong for invading her privacy etc


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> I would love to sit down and talk with her about all this, and here comes the but, she would still deny it all and say i am in the wrong for invading her privacy etc


She wants to separate, and you already know she won't even talk to you about it, so maybe you should just make peace with the idea of it then.

You can't control her, only yourself, and what you find acceptable or not acceptable.

If she is not even willing to listen to you speak, then why bother speaking?

Make a decision as to what you want to do, then do it. Or do nothing and see how it goes.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> She wants to separate, and you already know she won't even talk to you about it, so maybe you should just make peace with the idea of it then.
> 
> You can't control her, only yourself, and what you find acceptable or not acceptable.
> 
> ...


I know she wants to separate, however she keeps saying she wants a break and to see "what happens" and she hopes we can work it out. I am very confused, but i know i cannot put up with this anymore, i am now only concerned for my son and the fact that he does need me in his life and as much as it hurts to say this she is not the best mother and she is too selfish to put him first


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

If i do nothing then i am just accepting that she is 'cheating' on me and surely setting myself up for even worse hurt in the future


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## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> If i do nothing then i am just accepting that she is 'cheating' on me and surely setting myself up for even worse hurt in the future


Glad you realize this. So, have yo made plans for when you dump her? You are gonna dump her, right?

End it immediately and let her enjoy the single life while you enjoy your new found freedom. It will be hard but it's better than slowly turning into a cuckold. 

You can't nice her or force her into a relationship. Let her go and count it as an experience to learn from. 

p.s. Your friend is a worthless piece of sh!t.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

ceejay93 said:


> Glad you realize this. So, have yo made plans for when you dump her? You are gonna dump her, right?
> 
> End it immediately and let her enjoy the single life while you enjoy your new found freedom. It will be hard but it's better than slowly turning into a cuckold.
> 
> ...


I want to end it before she does for sure and yes he is a worthless piece of sh!t and god help him if i ever see him. Part of me knows that she will regret all this and when she expects me to be there i won't be


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

troysdad1 said:


> I would love to sit down and talk with her about all this, and here comes the but, she would still deny it all and say i am in the wrong for invading her privacy etc


You always have a reason for not fighting for yourself. She doesn't want someone she can control. You haven't been able to marry her. You couldn't even throw his ass out when it went to far the first time. Your should have been wife has been leading you around by the nose and lying forever.

See an attorney and check out what the deal is with custody. I assume she is taking your son with her. In this country she would not be allowed to do this. You and we all know what she is up to and all you have is excuses to not fight for your family.

Pathetic really. Have you rung the hotel to see if she is even staying there. What kind of phone does she have, does it have find my phone on it? How is she financing another house to live in? You paying for that too?

You are in analysis paralysis. The only thing you have done so far is whine and cry, the equivalent of taking a stick and driving her off.

Tell her she can go to her boyfriend but the boy stays at home with is faithful dad.

Call you "friend" and tell him what you think and how she lied about being broke up and how he is a lowlife piece of sh!t. Send him to cheaterville.com, English version and tell that's where where you are going to put him. Tell him you must have bee broken up since his visit, just that no one told you about it. Tell him he's a scumbag for doing that to a friend.

You can't call him because it would embarrass her???????????????Really?????????? And you didn't ???????????????I've seen it all now.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You always have a reason for not fighting for yourself. She doesn't want someone she can control. You haven't been able to marry her. You couldn't even throw his ass out when it went to far the first time. Your should have been wife has been leading you around by the nose and lying forever.
> 
> See an attorney and check out what the deal is with custody. I assume she is taking your son with her. In this country she would not be allowed to do this. You and we all know what she is up to and all you have is excuses to not fight for your family.
> 
> ...


She is financing it as such by doing a house swap, yes she is in the hotel i have card statement saying so. If it appears that all i have done is whine and cry its only because i do not know how to deal with the situation and that is why i came here. I love my son more than life itself and i want to fight for him but i was never brought up in a stable home and i guess that is all i want for him, not the hurt it would cause him to go through the custody battles. I deserve better and i know this now and although your response was blunt I respect what you have said and I agree with you. Surely the fight for my family should be mirrored by her, she should want to fight for it also. And yes i have held off contacting him for now as i want to see where it goes and to gather more evidence.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

troysdad1 said:


> She is financing it as such by doing a house swap, yes she is in the hotel i have card statement saying so. If it appears that all i have done is whine and cry its only because i do not know how to deal with the situation and that is why i came here. I love my son more than life itself and i want to fight for him but i was never brought up in a stable home and i guess that is all i want for him, not the hurt it would cause him to go through the custody battles. I deserve better and i know this now and although your response was blunt I respect what you have said and I agree with you. Surely the fight for my family should be mirrored by her, she should want to fight for it also. And yes i have held off contacting him for now as i want to see where it goes and to gather more evidence.


Oh dear God, I cant believe you ever had anger issues. Backbone issues maybe. Why don't you hand your family off on a silver platter. Maybe its a Scottish thing, how embarrassing for me. I am descended from Scottish ancestors so I am told.

Look at it this way, what would James Bond do? I am serious about this.

When she gets back you should have her stuff packed up in boxes and bags. Not your sons. After you have called your friends girlfriend/wife of course and then called your ex friend.

Of course you could continue to do nothing and just wallow around.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Send this link to your wife

Kenny Chesney singing You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone (HD) - Brooks and Dunn ACM Last Rodeo - YouTube


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, you are evidently getting kicked out of a place to live, what are your plans?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Oh dear God, I cant believe you ever had anger issues. Backbone issues maybe. Why don't you hand your family off on a silver platter. Maybe its a Scottish thing, how embarrassing for me. I am descended from Scottish ancestors so I am told.
> 
> Look at it this way, what would James Bond do? I am serious about this.
> 
> ...


Lol I am not even Scottish. Can't pack her things it is her house and i am not wallowing, i can't deal with it as she is not here. I came here seeking advice so I knew how to deal with it when she gets back


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Btw, you are evidently getting kicked out of a place to live, what are your plans?


Looking for elsewhere to live.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Send this link to your wife
> 
> Kenny Chesney singing You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone (HD) - Brooks and Dunn ACM Last Rodeo - YouTube


Great song thanks will let her here this:smthumbup:


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> If i do nothing then i am just accepting that she is 'cheating' on me and surely setting myself up for even worse hurt in the future


I'm glad you can see your present and future with clarity.



troysdad1 said:


> Looking for elsewhere to live.


With your son? She can't just take him away. AFAIK, a ten year relationship is treated legally the same way as a marriage in the UK. You'd best talk to a solicitor if you want to know where you stand.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> I'm glad you can see your present and future with clarity.
> 
> With your son? She can't just take him away. AFAIK, a ten year relationship is treated legally the same way as a marriage in the UK. You'd best talk to a solicitor if you want to know where you stand.


thanks azteca i will do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

troysdad1 said:


> Lol I am not even Scottish.* Can't* pack her things it is her house and i am not wallowing, i *can't* deal with it as she is not here. I came here seeking advice so I knew how to deal with it when she gets back


 And you got it 007. Pack her ****, its symbolic got it. Just like she is throwing you out. 

BTW, why didn't you go with her today, how far is it?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

azteca1986 said:


> I'm glad you can see your present and future with clarity.
> 
> With your son? She can't just take him away. AFAIK, a ten year relationship is treated legally the same way as a marriage in the UK. You'd best talk to a solicitor if you want to know where you stand.


He's going to try and nice/finesse this also and not only lose her but his son too.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> And you got it 007. Pack her ****, its symbolic got it. Just like she is throwing you out.
> 
> BTW, why didn't you go with her today, how far is it?


Its about 540 miles away she left yesterday, i have stayed with my son so we can spend time together


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral its plain to see you have a strong view on this matter, may i ask what would you do. The whole situation is odd to me and only further complicated by the fact she is moving. If i may change direction slightly we were all going to move somewhere else but after seeing it we decided it was not the best move for us, then this exchange appeared in Aberdeen and that is when things started taking a turn for the worst, given we have had a jaded history there i expressed i was not happy about moving there and from that day on is when this sh!t began. And it has spiralled into what it is now and one more thing i am still in a state of emotional shock i think as its still all recent


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> He's going to try and nice/finesse this also and not only lose her but his son too.


Chaparral is right. Blunt, but no less right. We see it time and again here. There is no way you can nice your way out of the situation you've found yourself in.

We need you to use your anger, not in violence, but into action. Every post on your thread is in your best interests.



Will_Kane said:


> The cheater's script is to play it off like we were just friends on facebook (or we met when we were introduced by a different mutual friend, as you already heard on the CD), we hardly ever messaged, I went to live in his town for other reasons entirely, he helped me find a place to live there, he was the only person I knew there, before you know it feelings developed, we couldn't help it, it just happened, and I already had told troysdad that I was leaving him no matter what, that we were separated.
> 
> That way, she can avoid having to admit she cheated. Let's face it, no one likes a liar and a cheater, so she doesn't want that to be her story. She is trying to manipulate the story so that when people ask how they met, she doesn't have to say "he was my partner's good friend who I cheated with."


I quote this post, as it is also right on the money. When you expose use this to predict exactly what your partner is going to do. Nothing will rain on her parade more than be called out before she's even done it. Cheaters are very preidctable. Trust us.

Also re-read, print out if you must, the post from Will_Kane at the top of page 3 for when you have a face-to-face with your partner.

Your partner's behaviour shows that she no longer respects you. Perhaps your relationship is done. You must act now if you want to be a part of your son's life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

troysdad1 said:


> Chaparral its plain to see you have a strong view on this matter, may i ask what would you do. The whole situation is odd to me and only further complicated by the fact she is moving. If i may change direction slightly we were all going to move somewhere else but after seeing it we decided it was not the best move for us, then this exchange appeared in Aberdeen and that is when things started taking a turn for the worst, given we have had a jaded history there i expressed i was not happy about moving there and from that day on is when this sh!t began. And it has spiralled into what it is now and one more thing i am still in a state of emotional shock i think as its still all recent


Are you saying she originally wanted you to move with her and you refused?

You seem to be trickling your story out.

However, from what you have said, she is dumping you and taking your son away. No? You haven't seen a lawyer, you certainly won't being your son hardly at all.

I think you need to give all the details.

For example is your ex friend married?

How did she pick Aberdeen? Does she have a job there?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Are you saying she originally wanted you to move with her and you refused?
> 
> You seem to be trickling your story out.
> 
> ...


Ok so we lived in Aberdeen for about 5 years, times were tough and were not working mainly due to the fact she had no friends or family there, and she took all this out on me. She moved back near her family around 2 years ago and now for many reasons no longer wants to be here. So she started searching for council house exchanges and found one near Glasgow. The house was really nice and we went to see it and tbh we were both very excited about the fresh start it would bring. Then we did some more research only to discover it was a relatively deprived area with higher crime rates. So we decided to go no further. She then searched again and found the one in Aberdeen, I stated from the off i did not want to move back there given we did not have a great time of things before and that the bad memories were there and would make it difficult. we talked some more and i said i was prepared to move but only on the condition that history be forgotten, she seemed fine with this. Then the year anniversary of him being here for that fated week came about and her attitude towards it all changed and she started saying that she wanted a break etc. She has no job there but i could walk back into my old job tomorrow, she is studying a psychology degree at present to get herself a job in the future. Hope this clears some things up for you.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I have not seen a lawyer yet as was unsure to my options, and as far as the ex-friend no he is not married but has a gf, although he did not when they met last year


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

See a lawyer about custody.

Ask her if she's dumping you and just can't say it. She doesn't want you, sounds like, but doesn't want to lose her son.

You can't make her love you, but you are afool if you let her take your son five hundred miles away. I thought she hated Aberdeen, is that where you're from?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her mily what's really going on. Are you going to stay there? If you have a job in Aberdeen, why not go there and get your own place? You can start dating too.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> See a lawyer about custody.
> 
> Ask her if she's dumping you and just can't say it. She doesn't want you, sounds like, but doesn't want to lose her son.
> 
> You can't make her love you, but you are afool if you let her take your son five hundred miles away. I thought she hated Aberdeen, is that where you're from?


Nope we are from the south of england


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Even a blind man can see she went Scotland to hook up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I hope you done put off the lawyer visit Monday. You have let this thing go on a year, you're out of time now. At least don't mess up custody.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I said why do you need to know how he is that does not matter after last year, she still refuses to see why i might react in certain ways and be hurt by all this. To make matters worse she is moving back to Scotland in January 2014, luckily the move came about before she was talking to him or god knows what i would think.


I think if you were to think that, then you would be right. Much more to this than there appears.

See a solicitor to establish your rights and see if you can get her to agree to couples counselling.

She is lying to you, to her OM and to her friends. This needs to be exposed.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

The story is a bit confusing. Can I just clarify?

You had both agreed to the move to Aberdeen. Was everything OK at this point or were you having relationship problems?

Your 'friend' arrived and it went from all of you going to Aberdeen to she suggesting only she and your son would go as she wanted to have a break 'to see where things went'. 

When she talked about the 'break' did she talk about the effect on your son of his Dad who clearly adores him being 500 miles away? Does she have any idea of the enormity of doing that? 
You can have a 'break' and live in the next street! You don't have to go 500 miles away. She knows that. Please see a lawyer and check whether she can do that legally. 

Do you think that she had thoughts of leaving you anyway and your 'friend' who she got along with so well confirmed her decision that she might be happier with someone else? I understand that you didn't stand up for yourself when he was there if you had anger issues in the past and you were trying not to get angry in situations so that you under-reacted. Don't forget that you don't have to shout to stand up for yourself. You can state in very firmly in an even voice. It actually gets taken more seriously if you do it that way. Calmly but firmly. 

Have you told your 'friend's' girlfriend? She deserves to know what is going on. He's only 24, he has a gf, I can't see that he is seriously interested in your partner. If he was genuine he would have made a move. As it is she may be someone that he likes but is just mucking around with on Facebook. She may realise that too but may also think that if she moves there they might get together. If she is asking a psychic it's clear that she is unsure whether he is interested and it is also very clear that she is toying with the idea of being with him.

Is her move to Aberdeen confirmed?

In that case would you go there anyway just to be close to your son?

It's not a good sign that your partner wants to move 500 miles away from you. She may be trying to leave you in a roundabout way. Sorry.

First thing you MUST do is see a lawyer immediately to find out what your rights are. I'm thinking here of your son, he is your number 1 priority as you said.

You might want to ask her straight out does she want to leave the relationship. Tell her that while you are prepared to work on it, you are NOT prepared for her to have a break, find someone 'better' and run back to you if she doesn't. Also tell her that you are NOT prepared to have your son living far away from you. Every son needs his Dad. A child needs both Mum and Dad close by ideally. 

I take it you would still have to pay her child support when she moves to Scotland to have her 'break'? NOT good if your son is 500 miles away. In other words can she support herself financially up there? Could that be why she is calling it a 'break' because she can't afford to leave you financially?

Tough questions, I'm sorry.

Have you got a good mate/family member who can advise and help you out with this?

I am very very sorry you are in this situation.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you only found out from her the other man has a girlfriend you don't know if he does or not.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

********** said:


> The story is a bit confusing. Can I just clarify?
> 
> You had both agreed to the move to Aberdeen. Was everything OK at this point or were you having relationship problems?
> 
> ...


nope the aberdeen move is confirmed and has been for a while, our relationship was fine up until i mentioned not being happy about moving there, then the stuff with him started


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

i also mentioned that regardless of what happened between us i would want to move closer to my son, she replied with she would not be happy about that or comfortable with it and that i more or less had no say in that matter


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> i also mentioned that regardless of what happened between us i would want to move closer to my son, she replied with she would not be happy about that or comfortable with it and that i more or less had no say in that matter


She's wrong, but this is bad sign. You really need to see a solicitor tomorrow. See if you can find one who will listen to your problem without charging you.

Also, one way she can keep you away from her is by falsely accusing you of domestic violence. It happens. You might want to get your hands on a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) to protect yourself if things turn nasty.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Nevermind. Looked it up.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I would like to thank you all for the responses, I now however feel extremely low and ready to give up. I can't handle it any more. She is away and all i can think is she is up there with him


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> I would like to thank you all for the responses, I now however feel extremely low and ready to give up. I can't handle it any more. She is away and all i can think is she is up there with him


Deep down you knew this already.

You can't give up now. You have to fight for your son. Find your strength, your resolve. We all have it in us.

Keep posting.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> nope the aberdeen move is confirmed and has been for a while, our relationship was fine up until i mentioned not being happy about moving there, then the stuff with him started


Sorry to tell you , but the stuff with him started way before the move plans happened. It's because of him that this move was initiated to begin with. This thing has been going on a lot longer than you think is a heckuva lot more entrenched than you think. This is nothing more than a classic exit affair, but with more advanced planning than we normally see here.

Unless you want to see very little of your son and freely turn him over to his future step-father, you had better get to battle stations ASAP!


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

3putt said:


> Sorry to tell you , but the stuff with him started way before the move plans happened. It's because of him that this move was initiated to begin with. This thing has been going on a lot longer than you think is a heckuva lot more entrenched than you think. This is nothing more than a classic exit affair, but with more advanced planning than we normally see here.
> 
> Unless you want to see very little of your son and freely turn him over to his future step-father, you had better get to battle stations ASAP!


I agree to a point with you but as I mentioned before we were all up for it to another city, Aberdeen came about I expressed I was not happy and decided maybe it was worth a shot, she told me yes lets to do it, fresh start etc. Once I basically said we cant make the same mistakes as before she started acting strange which went on for a few weeks and this with him started again, she has had no contact with him prior and I know this as I have read there facebook messages to each other. An exit affair perhaps but I think she is in some delusions as to the grass being greener, this guy is barely a man and completely clueless. He knows she has a son, my son, and despite that in their messages he says to her its a shame she were not moving sooner as they could have gone to some rock gig together. Does he forget she has told him she is a single mum, she has no family or true friends there so how could she anyway. Not really been thought through cause if she goes ahead with him at some point he will have to face me as me and her have a son together.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Deep down you knew this already.
> 
> You can't give up now. You have to fight for your son. Find your strength, your resolve. We all have it in us.
> 
> Keep posting.




One question though and maybe I am being stupid, her and her best 'girlfriend' have gone up together and are sharing a room, how would this work if she met up with him. The other saving grace I have is that she has real confidence issues about her figure etc and she would not engage in sex with anyone seeing as she has not shaved certain areas lol, and I know because I am normally the one who does it. And I saw her nude in the shower before she left and it was still untrimmed lol


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Since you have her Facebook password, login and check if they are communicating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Since you have her Facebook password, login and check if they are communicating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Have done so, no communication since the 11th of November


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> One question though and maybe I am being stupid, her and her best 'girlfriend' have gone up together and are sharing a room, how would this work if she met up with him.


He could bring a friend. Cosy couples together. She doesn't have to stay at the hotel, even if there's a room booked.

Listen, no point speculating. It won't do you any good. Focus on the matter at hand - keeping your son as part of your life. One way or another.



> The other saving grace I have is that she has real confidence issues about her figure etc and she would not engage in sex with anyone seeing as she has not shaved certain areas lol,


Women with low self-esteem are quite susceptible to the attention of other men (OM). And EA's can escalate very fast when the conditions are right.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Have you confirmed that her best friend is with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Have you confirmed that her best friend is with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes we have spoken on the phone and I have heard her friend there in the background


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

You mention that she's not a real good mother to your son....explain please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> You mention that she's not a real good mother to your son....explain please?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On a daily basis I will be up with my son and have to get him ready for school and make sure he is fed and dressed etc. At weekends I will be up with him while she lays in bed until 11 or 12. If he is ever upset she cannot reason with him and decides shouting at him is the way to go. She keeps fighting with me in front of him and undermining me. I always try to remain calm around hi but she tends to get irate and starts to raise her voice etc and the minute he gets upset she will shout more at me and blame me in front of him. recently he was being bit loud with the computer I politely said to him to just keep the noise down and she said to him "don't worry troy we are moving soon, and mommy loves you so that's all that matters" also on the few rare occasions I have been away she has been stressing on the phone to me about him and how he is too much etc. Yet I deal with this on a daily basis as well as looking after our dog and having a full time job.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> On a daily basis I will be up with my son and have to get him ready for school and make sure he is fed and dressed etc. At weekends I will be up with him while she lays in bed until 11 or 12. If he is ever upset she cannot reason with him and decides shouting at him is the way to go. She keeps fighting with me in front of him and undermining me. I always try to remain calm around hi but she tends to get irate and starts to raise her voice etc and the minute he gets upset she will shout more at me and blame me in front of him. recently he was being bit loud with the computer I politely said to him to just keep the noise down and she said to him "don't worry troy we are moving soon, and mommy loves you so that's all that matters" also on the few rare occasions I have been away she has been stressing on the phone to me about him and how he is too much etc. Yet I deal with this on a daily basis as well as looking after our dog and having a full time job.


 Your wife/partner sounds very unstable. Do what you must to protect your son!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Ok so I have decided that what I will do is this. hen she returns home I am going to sit down with her and ask her to be honest about everything. I will give her chance to do so and if she still refuses to admit anything or starts to get fired up then I will gather my evidence and I will present it to her that I know everything. I will then say that I cannot trust her and that she has cheated on me with my ex-friend albeit physical or not. I will then state that I am happy for the move to go ahead and that we will have a break from each other for a period of time and that we must work through this together and that he can't be in the picture in any way. What she won't know is that I will have gone to lawyers tomorrow to find out my rights and that way if after a break she is being unreasonable I will pursue custody of my son.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Your wife/partner sounds very unstable. Do what you must to protect your son!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is that, she can be very volatile at times, I can calmly ask her a question but if its of a nature like the current situation we will very quickly fly off the handle and start shouting in my face that I am paranoid and a psycho


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> On a daily basis I will be up with my son and have to get him ready for school and make sure he is fed and dressed etc. At weekends I will be up with him while she lays in bed until 11 or 12. If he is ever upset she cannot reason with him and decides shouting at him is the way to go. She keeps fighting with me in front of him and undermining me. I always try to remain calm around hi but she tends to get irate and starts to raise her voice etc and the minute he gets upset she will shout more at me and blame me in front of him. recently he was being bit loud with the computer I politely said to him to just keep the noise down and she said to him "don't worry troy we are moving soon, and mommy loves you so that's all that matters" also on the few rare occasions I have been away she has been stressing on the phone to me about him and how he is too much etc. Yet I deal with this on a daily basis as well as looking after our dog and having a full time job.


She is not suitable for motherhood. After reading posts like this I sincerely hope that there were some kind of tests you had to pass before becoming a parent.

Protect your son. He needs at least one sane parent. I am really sorry that you had to go through this.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Your wife/partner sounds very unstable. Do what you must to protect your son!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did I mention that I took on the responsibility of her then 4 year old daughter when I got with her, I was 19 when I did that and all these things she looks beyond. Whenever she is stuck or cant do something I am the first person she will contact, she is very dependant on me and don't think she realises it


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> ... I will then state ...that we will have a break from each other for a period of time and that we must work through this together and that he can't be in the picture in any way. What she won't know is that I will have gone to lawyers tomorrow to find out my rights and that way if after a break she is being unreasonable I will pursue custody of my son.


I think it would be best to be straight with her. In your position I would tell her that it's time to fish or cut bait. If she goes then it's adios muchacha. And if she stays, then she needs to be committed. 

Frankly, she seems to be horrible wife AND mother. Do you need that? Your son does not!


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

life101 said:


> She is not suitable for motherhood. After reading posts like this I sincerely hope that there were some kind of tests you had to pass before becoming a parent.
> 
> Protect your son. He needs at least one sane parent. I am really sorry that you had to go through this.


Thanks life that means a lot, for a while I believed I was in fact crazy but after the support on this forum I realise I was right l along, I knew in my gut something was wrong when he came to visit last year and I followed it through even though she tried to deny it all and kept up with the lies. People at work have even said my son is better off with me and these people have never met him


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> She is that, she can be very volatile at times, I can calmly ask her a question but if its of a nature like the current situation we will very quickly fly off the handle and start shouting in my face that I am paranoid and a psycho


This is just a common scare tactic to make you back off/down.

You have to remain calm when you confront her. Practice the following phrase

"I'm not okay with..."

...you shouting/swearing/calling me paranoid/insulting me, etc


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Do not confront until she's been home a few days. This will give you an opportunity to gather more evidence. If they hooked up, you will find out. In the mean time, see a lawyer and give her all the rope she wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

and that we must work through this together and that he can't be in the picture in any way. 

it won't work..and will only subvert the main issue


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> This is just a common scare tactic to make you back off/down.
> 
> You have to remain calm when you confront her. Practice the following phrase
> 
> ...


I will clearly state these things to her, and I will also back it up with evidence as to why I am not paranoid etc but show her why I was suspicious and prove I had my reasons


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Do not confront until she's been home a few days. This will give you an opportunity to gather more evidence. If they hooked up, you will find out. In the mean time, see a lawyer and give her all the rope she wants.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yep I will give her plenty of rope, my only concern is that there is not much time now between now and when she moves to resolve any issues properly


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> Yep I will give her plenty of rope, my only concern is that there is not much time now between now and when she moves to resolve any issues properly


Sometimes "sh!t" happens and deals get broken.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> recently he was being bit loud with the computer I politely said to him to just keep the noise down and she said to him "don't worry troy we are moving soon, and mommy loves you so that's all that matters" .....


She is using the child as a weapon against you. Stop it now.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> She is using the child as a weapon against you. Stop it now.


yes she is and on more than one occasion she has threatened me with not seeing him, the most petty was when she tried to throw me out after I caught her facebook shenanigans and I said I would take the laptop I bout and the contract phone I pay for, she said you take my phone you won't see your kid lmao I actually laughed in her face:rofl:


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> yes she is and on more than one occasion she has threatened me with not seeing him, the most petty was when she tried to throw me out after I caught her facebook shenanigans and I said I would take the laptop I bout and the contract phone I pay for, she said you take my phone you won't see your kid lmao I actually laughed in her face:rofl:


Can you see who she calls and texts online?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> yes she is and on more than one occasion she has threatened me with not seeing him, the most petty was when she tried to throw me out after I caught her facebook shenanigans and I said I would take the laptop I bout and the contract phone I pay for, she said you take my phone you won't see your kid lmao I actually laughed in her face:rofl:



Jezzus ... see a lawyer, then tell her to not let the door hit her cauliflowered ass on the way to see the sucmmy guy who deserves a girl like her. No, not a woman, a girl.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Can you see who she calls and texts online?


I used to be able to but now I would have to request itemised billing which involves them sending a paper bill with itemised calls etc in the post and obviously she would see this and know I was monitoring her which is not what I want


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Jezzus ... see a lawyer, then tell her to not let the door hit her cauliflowered ass on the way to see the sucmmy guy who deserves a girl like her. No, not a woman, a girl.


Yes she is very immature for a person of 34 years of age, I am only 30 this year and despite maybe being a bit naïve to this whole thing I am more balanced and switched on than she is


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> I used to be able to but now I would have to request itemised billing which involves them sending a paper bill with itemised calls etc in the post and obviously she would see this and know I was monitoring her which is not what I want


You can't log into your carriers website and see the call/text details?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> yes she is and on more than one occasion she has threatened me with not seeing him, the most petty was when she tried to throw me out after I caught her facebook shenanigans and I said I would take the laptop I bout and the contract phone I pay for, she said you take my phone you won't see your kid lmao I actually laughed in her face:rofl:


There is more than one way to use a child as a weapon. The more dangerous form is to poison the child to view one parent as good and the other bad. 

Mommy loves you and that is all that matters.
We could have a puppy, but daddy said no.
Mommy is the only one who buys you toys.
If Daddy loved us, he would take us to _____.
Come play with mommy. Daddy would rather watch tv.

And the list goes on.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> You can't log into your carriers website and see the call/text details?


No as its unlimited calls it will only show items outside her usage allowance ie 0845 and 0870 type numbers


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> There is more than one way to use a child as a weapon. The more dangerous form is to poison the child to view one parent as good and the other bad.
> 
> Mommy loves you and that is all that matters.
> We could have a puppy, but daddy said no.
> ...


So true she has used variations of these in the past, like stop that or I will tell daddy and he will tell you off etc


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I must say as well that I have never experienced so many powerful emotions in such a short amount of time, it really does wreck you


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Denial is a powerful emotion!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you let her leave and take your son to aberdeen you will have lost your chance at having any kind of joint custody. After they are gone the courts will give her full custody. Put a stop to this tomorrow.

Get a var before she comes back, one for the house, and one to keep on your person at all times she is even close to being around. She has been playing you for a long time now and you are missing it. Just think, if she got a protection order against you, she would have clear sailing. She also has people telling her things to do. You are no longer welcome in her or her sons life.

If you don't stop being naïve you r going to be left with nothing. I'm guessing if you have one car you are about to lose that also.

We have seen all this many times before. This all plays out to the same script over and over. Read other threads. Reading your actions, you are going to be one of the nice guys that come back saying, "everything you guys said was right, I am totally effed."


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

So just been on facebook and discovered she has messaged him and told him she is in Aberdeen


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

TroysDad - dont worry about that now - she's been on FB to him all along so this is no surprise to you if you think about it.Try to put your emotions on hold & put your energy into getting things done 

Listen to Chapparal - keep your eye on the main game - your son - you must see a lawyer immediately - TODAY - to see if you can stop her taking him to Aberdeen. There may be free legal aid in your area. 
Buy a VAR TODAY also. Because you have had an anger problem in the past it will be easier for her to claim you got violent with her. I think she may be the type to do it. Do not see her unless you have a recording device. You may be able to do it in your phone but check how long it goes for. Do try to get the help/support of a good friend/family member - I know, I said that before but I think it's important.


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## Syco (Sep 25, 2013)

Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer, Lawyer !!!!


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

OK so quick update, she has not received a response from him as yet her messaged just said it is weird being back there. I have logged into her facebook this morning and copied via screenshot all messages she has sent regarding us, in one she says we broke up last year, in another we broke up in feb this year, in another we are separating in jan next year, and in the other we are still together. Will be speaking with lawyer today


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> OK so quick update, she has not received a response from him as yet her messaged just said it is weird being back there. I have logged into her facebook this morning and copied via screenshot all messages she has sent regarding us, in one she says we broke up last year, in another we broke up in feb this year, in another we are separating in jan next year, and in the other we are still together. Will be speaking with lawyer today


Speak with a lawyer and have her take a court ordered psych evaluation.
To me she is coming unhinged.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Speak with a lawyer and have her take a court ordered psych evaluation.
> To me she is coming unhinged.


The other thing she seems to have a massive problem with is me saying anything to her family, i was round her parents house other day to get a lift, i spoke loosely with my brother in law about it and word got back to her mum which in turn got back to her. She got very defensive and aggressive on the phone when she found out i mentioned the facebook thing. Seems typical cheater behaviour to me


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Very glad you are seeing a lawyer. Find out where you stand with your son. Remember to tell him about some of the threats she's made that you mentioned here.

And yes, she doesn't like it when you mention facebook with her family. No one wants to known as a cheater. However, no matter how close you may be know, don't count on their support later, when you expose her.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Very glad you are seeing a lawyer. Find out where you stand with your son. Remember to tell him about some of the threats she's made that you mentioned here.
> 
> And yes, she doesn't like it when you mention facebook with her family. No one wants to known as a cheater. However, no matter how close you may be know, don't count on their support later, when you expose her.


I don't want their support I just want them to know the truth and that despite my errors in the past this one is on her and she is just using the past to justify her actions. If he does not respond to her on facebook I guarantee she will think I have said something to him, she is only worried in case I put him off


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> I don't want their support I just want them to know the truth and that despite my errors in the past this one is on her and she is just using the past to justify her actions.


Excellent. 



> If he does not respond to her on facebook I guarantee she will think I have said something to him, she is only worried in case I put him off


Keep monitoring her, but don't waste your time trying to second guess her.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Excellent.
> 
> Keep monitoring her, but don't waste your time trying to second guess her.


I will do, she is planning on coming home tomorrow and change all her passwords, if this happens I am screwed, she wants a password on her laptop also however she does not know how to do this and will require my help. I will use that chance to access the keylogger and get her new facebook password. I can't believe I am having to do all this I almost feel like I am in the wrong but I know I am not.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

The good/bad news is that people get slack when they think they can't be monitored. Chances are she will share her plans with her friends.

Also, noting to feel guilty about. There's no need to password protect anything from your SO - unless you have something to hide. No secrecy in a relationship.

You sound good this morning.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> The good/bad news is that people get slack when they think they can't be monitored. Chances are she will share her plans with her friends.
> 
> Also, noting to feel guilty about. There's no need to password protect anything from your SO - unless you have something to hide. No secrecy in a relationship.
> 
> You sound good this morning.


I feel better for knowing that she is still intent on the lies, I read that message to him while on the phone to her last night and she said he has not messaged me and I wont be messaging him. Don't get me wrong I had a real low day yesterday but now I am gathering evidence against her I feel better, will ring solicitor shortly as well. My son was quite upset today as he asked why I was not moving and hen I would be, to which I just said mummy does not want me to move just yet but don't worry about it.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

You were feeling low and overwhelmed because you were coming out of denial. There is a BS fog as well as an affair fog. You feel better now because you are taking action. 

Re-read Will_Kane's confront script on the top of page 3. Follow it, I think it's very measured. The tone will help you keep calm. 

Find out where you stand. There's no better response to when your partner makes threats of taking your son away than "I've talked to a solicitor and it doesn't work that way." She'll know both you and what she's doing is serious.


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## catsa (Jun 8, 2013)

Install a keylogger that emails reports to you.. That way you dont have to physically access the laptop, and it will forward all keystrokes to you, like password changes. 

I use eBlaster, for windows or Mac. It might be an add-on to Spector, check to see if you can get it by itself. It does a stealth install.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

catsa said:


> Install a keylogger that emails reports to you.. That way you dont have to physically access the laptop, and it will forward all keystrokes to you, like password changes.
> 
> I use eBlaster, for windows or Mac. It might be an add-on to Spector, check to see if you can get it by itself. It does a stealth install.


Hi eblaster costs £64, not something I can afford


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I hope you are going to take this 'sharp' salt advice in the true sense of what it is - a helpful comment. 

We on here have seen a lot - a hell of a lot.

You're partner has checked out and is not coming back
Your partner is enemy no.1
Why? She is showing behavioral patterns of disorders etc ( check these out) and that means she will happily sh!t upon you and your life without so much as a second glance.

You think 11 years of togetherness means something in this scenario you now find yourself in - WRONG THEY DON'T. 

_This person is not the one you thought they were_

*GROW A PAIR* and quick or as someone has already said you will find yourself in a room alone in tears wondering how all this happened whilst your 'friend' sits in basingstoke being dad to your son and banging your partner with a smile on his face 

Your friend has connections of some kind - expose that baztard for what he is. Her family friends - the LOT 

Let her know there are consequences to this kind of behavior.

You need to understand something here that is borne in so many threads on TAM 

No man ever 'niced' their way back into their wife's affections when she had checked out for some one else - EVER 

It NEVER happened - not even once. 

If you want her back ? you need to show her you can dump her just like that. That's the only way to shake up somebody like her

And then you have to think whether you'd want that kind of person back in your life anyway

Good luck ......you'll need it


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> ....I see the room he is in the door is shut but the light is on and then i hear her let off a little giggle. I decided i wont barge in so i knocked and entered and there they were just sat talking away, she being sat under his covers at the end of his bed...
> 
> .:scratchhead:


Emotional Affair, you think....

...and telling you to shut up and f.xxx.ing go bed....

Very believable, but only if you could not read and write.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Headspin said:


> I hope you are going to take this 'sharp' salt advice in the true sense of what it is - a helpful comment.
> 
> We on here have seen a lot - a hell of a lot.
> 
> ...


Thanks headspin solid advice there and trust me taken on board, I am putting in a contact order for my son today. Oh and just to correct one thing you said lol he would be sat in Aberdeen not basingstoke


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does your friend know she is moving to Aberdeen? Is his gir friend a live in and is she on facebook?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you get a var ?


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

troysdad1 said:


> Thanks headspin solid advice there and trust me taken on board, I am putting in a contact order for my son today. Oh and just to correct one thing you said lol he would be sat in Aberdeen not basingstoke


Sorry stand corrected 

What briefly if you don't mind, is your partners history family wise? Childhood etc


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Sorry stand corrected
> 
> What briefly if you don't mind, is your partners history family wise? Childhood etc


Been stable her parents have been married over 35 years, good childhood as far as I know, she does have a difficult relationship with her dad he is very strict.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Did you get a var ?


Yes I did, and yes he knows she is moving, as for his gf I have not looked into it, I don't believe his status says anything about a relationship, however there are several cosy pictures of him with 'her' on his profile


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Ok so the plot thickens. Yesterday before she viewed the house she will be moving to she visited and old friend of ours in the area. Is it possible that she used his facebook account to message the other guy to arrange to meet and also at the same time to warn him that i am possibly watching her facebook. Reason i say this is because she is planning on visiting an old neighbour whom she messaged last night also, however she got no response as to a time to meet. I asked her in text if she was still meeting this old neighbour and she said later after 4 and like i say no reply on her facebook messages


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

And other possibility now is she is using her best friends phone to communicate with him, will soon find out as i have now added itemised billing to my phone accounts


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Ok another update, after my previous posts I had a moment of clarity and I text and ask her outright if I could trust her, she did not answer so I let rip stating she cheated with me friend last year and again now, she must take responsibility for her actions and stop using the past to justify them. I then turned my phone off and now its back on a barrage of texts saying she will call the police because she is worried for my sons safety, oh and her mother is coming round to. I told her I cant trust her and that she has won its over


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Expose her to friends and family. Put the evidence you have on her FB page then change the password. Everyone of her so-called friends will see her for the liar she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Get to a lawyer quick!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> Ok another update, after my previous posts I had a moment of clarity and I text and ask her outright if I could trust her, she did not answer so I let rip stating she cheated with me friend last year and again now, she must take responsibility for her actions and stop using the past to justify them. I then turned my phone off and now its back on *a barrage of texts saying she will call the police because she is worried for my sons safety*, oh and her mother is coming round to. I told her I cant trust her and that she has won its over


Keep those texts. The police don't like to have their time wasted. In fact it's a crime.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Her mum came round and I told her everything, she was incredibly shocked and lost for words, seeing as her daughter my stbxg was lying to her also


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Gather all evidence you have and store it somewhere safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> Gather all evidence you have and store it somewhere safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have done so sent copies to my work email and also friends emails


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

What had she told her mum to make her come round?

What story had she given her mum?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Your Wgf is a liar and a cheat.

I would bet money it was a PA last year.

And, if I was you, I would make it clear to your POS 'friend' in no uncertain terms that he is in for the beating of his life for this betrayal when you see him again...not just for your sake but even more so because he helped to F up your son's childhood and life.

What a traitorous piece of filth.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> OP,
> 
> I'm sorry you are in this situation.
> 
> ...


Don't worry he will get whats coming to him lol


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> What had she told her mum to make her come round?
> 
> What story had she given her mum?


She had told them that we both wanted the break etc. Like i said when i told her everything she was lost or words literally


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

What's happened since yesterday?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> What's happened since yesterday?


Not much to be honest, i have said i will not accept this 'friendship' etc. She claimed to have changed all her passwords but she has not, we had a really long talk last night and she finally opened up to me and said she has been unhappy for a while and the whole thing with him was just a weapon to hurt me, same again now. I listened and understood her reasons for her unhappiness and responded that i have not been happy for a while either. The decision has been made that we are breaking up and that she is moving, and we will take our time and not rush or force anything. I will need to be in basingstoke for at least a year anyway so we are going to try going back to 'dating' when i visit which will hopefully rekindle our love. If it does not so be it. She felt she had to make a decision asap and i said no there is no rush lets take our time as we can't just throw everything away.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

In other words things are going according to her original plan. She's going to give your friend a trial run.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She's gets total custody five hundred miles away. Epic fail.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> In other words things are going according to her original plan. She's going to give your friend a trial run.


And we have said we are separated, and if other people come into our lives so be it, as for him no, this has all been attention seeking on her part he has not been in contact with her, not by phone, facebook or email. He aint interested and i will tell you why, he would not chance it knowing he would have to deal with me. She has not contacted him either since other day. I have said to her also that this decision is not hers to make, she can choose what she wants during this break as can i, i will not be waiting for her to decide, if i don't want to be with her and feel i can't trust her she has been told i will never even consider a future with her unless she is upfront and honest


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> She's gets total custody five hundred miles away. Epic fail.


Nope not total custody I can visit as much as i like, I have sent the contact order to the courts and she knows this, it means she can't stop me at all


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

I have already accepted things may not work out and have told her no matter what after this break i will be moving closer to my son so i can see him more. I am paying back my company at the moment so am sort of stuck for a year anyways.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> He aint interested and i will tell you why, he would not chance it knowing he would have to deal with me.


He chanced it whilst living under your roof, remember?



> She has not contacted him either since other day.


Have you *verified *she isn't using a secret messaging app, a secret phone, a secret email address? How are you so sure about this? Is it because she told you?

Are you happy with the plan? It sounds exactly the same as her original plan when she was about to test-drive your ex-friend without telling you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

TD1,

Do you think you took this job to escape fixing your marriage?

Are you giving up intimacy during the separation?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She decided to go back to a place she hated just to separate from you? It doesn't pass the smell test.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> She decided to go back to a place she hated just to separate from you? It doesn't pass the smell test.



She never hated it, I have never been keen on it, it was there previously that all the anger issues came to light and i did many things i regret.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> He chanced it whilst living under your roof, remember?
> 
> Have you *verified *she isn't using a secret messaging app, a secret phone, a secret email address? How are you so sure about this? Is it because she told you?
> 
> Are you happy with the plan? It sounds exactly the same as her original plan when she was about to test-drive your ex-friend without telling you.


I have taken many precautions, i have checked card statements, i have monitoring software on her laptop and phone now also. As for secret phone she does not have one i am certain of that. Not sure if he chanced it as such but she encouraged anything with her ways. Apparently she did it all to hurt me and get back at me for her unhappiness.


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> TD1,
> 
> Do you think you took this job to escape fixing your marriage?
> 
> Are you giving up intimacy during the separation?


Which job Longwalk?, and intimacy between us yes as she will be 500 miles away lol.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

troysdad1 said:


> Apparently she did it all to hurt me and get back at me for her unhappiness.


You do know that's bull sh!t right?


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

Tobyboy said:


> You do know that's bull sh!t right?


I guess it is, stupidly part of me wants to beleive her, I am having a low day again as its the om birthday and i am dreading what i will find later on today when i check up


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## troysdad1 (Nov 17, 2013)

To be honest i have had enough and feel as though I can no longer cope with the lies and doubt. Will we ever get passed this? It does nnot feel like it right now


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