# How weird is to have had only one partner?



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first. We are in the middle of divorce. I just cannot imagine ever being with another man. Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

When you had your first child, did you find it impossible to imagine you would have enough love to give to another one? Yet, miraculously you had the same amount of infinite love for the next child.

It is similar with love and sexual attraction for a man. When you are divorced and you meet a man who has what it takes to turn your head, it will happen. It will be eerily like you are in love for the first time again, but with life experiences to add to it. The first kiss will be exciting and electric, as will all the rest.

It is honorable that you haven't lusted over other men while with your ex husband. Do you think that it is because you are a person of principle and not because he was the only person in the world capable of bringing on sexual feelings? Before the marital problems, how were your sexual experiences with your husband? If they were good, you will be able to feel desire for someone else when the time is right.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

anna88 said:


> Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.


Unless I miss my guess, you married young? If so, he was not only your first and only sex partner, but also your only real adult romantic relationship. That's a lot to let go.

Don't worry, when you find a man who attracts you I bet you'll be able to imagine quite a lot!


----------



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.
> ...


Yes, I married young and he was my only real romantic relationship.


----------



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

Adelais said:


> When you had your first child, did you find it impossible to imagine you would have enough love to give to another one? Yet, miraculously you had the same amount of infinite love for the next child.
> 
> It is similar with love and sexual attraction for a man. When you are divorced and you meet a man who has what it takes to turn your head, it will happen. It will be eerily like you are in love for the first time again, but with life experiences to add to it. The first kiss will be exciting and electric, as will all the rest.
> 
> It is honorable that you haven't lusted over other men while with your ex husband. Do you think that it is because you are a person of principle and not because he was the only person in the world capable of bringing on sexual feelings? Before the marital problems, how were your sexual experiences with your husband? If they were good, you will be able to feel desire for someone else when the time is right.


Thank you! You described it so nicely and it is very true. I couldn't imagine loving another baby besides my son and after I had my daughther I realised how mistaken I was.


----------



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

My marriage had a lot of serious issues (abuse of all kinds). But sex was always good.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

anna88 said:


> My marriage had a lot of serious issues (abuse of all kinds). But sex was always good.


Since you enjoyed sex in your last marriage, there is no reason you won't enjoy it in your next. Take your time getting to know him, and don't have sex too soon, because it creates feel good hormones that will bond you to him. It takes quite a while to really get to know someone, up to 2 years. You will want to see how he behaves in adverse conditions, how he treats people, how he manages his money, plans for dreams (or doesn't plan and is just talk) etc. If you get involved sexually, you will become somewhat blind to many things and may end up in another bad relationship.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

anna88 said:


> My marriage had a lot of serious issues (abuse of all kinds). *But sex was always good*.


After you get D, and you are ready to date, and go out with a few guys and have different experiences, you might look back on this statement differently.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

anna88 said:


> How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first. We are in the middle of divorce. I just cannot imagine ever being with another man. Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.


Sorry to hear that. 
I am a little older than you and we are both our firsts and been married nearly 15 years. 

To be honest, I would not consider being with another if we divorced or he died. I would just accept that its how life is going to be.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

anna88 said:


> How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first. We are in the middle of divorce. I just cannot imagine ever being with another man. Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.


If he was an abuser then I would have wanted to leave long before now. I hope that you will choose more carefully next time.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

All great advice, but what you should know is that allow yourself at least 1 year before really meeting someone or else it will become a rebound relationship. Be cautious and don't do this!


----------



## anna88 (Dec 10, 2017)

MaiChi said:


> anna88 said:
> 
> 
> > How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first. We are in the middle of divorce. I just cannot imagine ever being with another man. Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.
> ...


We were both our firts too 😞


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is rare but not weird at all and your feelings are very normal.

I'm so sorry he is abusive and doesn't realize what a gift you two had.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

anna88 said:


> How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first. We are in the middle of divorce. I just cannot imagine ever being with another man. Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.





MaiChi said:


> Sorry to hear that.
> I am a little older than you and we are both our firsts and been married nearly 15 years.
> 
> To be honest, I would not consider being with another if we divorced or he died. I would just accept that its how life is going to be.


me too, at least you have found other people who have only had one partner. Hope it helps you feel less weird. 
Abuse is my dealbreaker. But having said that my spouse is the only woman who has gotten away with hitting me. Long story, long ago. 

I'm considerably older than you two and most of my reluctance to consider trying again is being old and broken down. Also less time to wait for the final curtain.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife and I are one and onlys and I have to admit I'd be a little nervous my first time if we were ever divorced.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

It would be a lot more weird to have had none.

My soon to be ex wife was 17 and I was 20 when we met. We were each other's firsts. There was a time when I was in college that she moved home for a summer while we were taking a break from each other. I'm relatively certain she hooked up with someone at that time so she's at least got one more point of reference for sleeping with people. I'm 42 now and haven't been on a first date since the late 90s and have never been with anyone else. I _think_ I can please someone else but I don't _know_.

Dating is only an interesting theoretical possibility for me right now but it is a concern.


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

anna88 said:


> How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first.


It is not typical after a certain age I suppose. But it happens for a variety of reasons. There are folks here that have been, or had been for much of their life, in that situation.

I too have had only one partner. I’m nearly 20 years beyond your age. Got started pretty late with the one who eventually became my wife. 

I don’t consider having had only one partner as being weird, in and of itself. I do think it has made some aspects of relationships more difficult; there are pitfalls. 

I don’t worry about it, when I imagine getting out of my marriage. I would hope to find someone to share that part of life with eventually. I am what I am. And that’s going to have to be ok.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I have only my stbxw that I have been with. Married 33 years, divorce will be filed after Jan 1.

Gonna take a long time to get back into dating. 

It's ironic, when my MIL was alive, she used to say "There are worse things than being alone", she said that because her husband had been abusive. He died when my wife was in 5th grade.

She was right in another way, when you are married to someone that expects you to speak their love languages consistently, and has no problem with NOT speaking yours in bed, that IS worse than being alone. 

Sleeping in bed alone is preferable to laying beside someone like that.

I told my wife that laying next to her was like a starving man walking by a buffet table. I could see & smell the food, but wasn't able to taste it.

Not sure if I will be able to please a woman, been in crazy town way too long.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

anna88 said:


> But sex was always good.


That's only because you have *nothing else *to compare it to, so you don't know the difference between 'good' and great. LOL. :grin2:


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Six years ago I was 36 and very freshly divorced from the only romantic and sexual partner I'd ever had. We had been together for more than half of my lifetime. Due to the issues in our marriage, I was pretty convinced there were a number of things wrong with me that would make it impossible to have a happy relationship with anyone. And I was even more convinced that sex with anyone else was unlikely to happen. I wasn't sure I even wanted it to. Besides, I was scared to death of entering the dating pool in general. 

It took me two years after my divorce to be ready to date. And I discovered I was wrong about a lot of things. 

There are a lot of decent, kind, healthy men out there who would make really awesome partners. I was not defective - mentally, emotionally, or sexually. I can - and do - have a very happy relationship with a great guy. And dating wasn't nearly so terrifying as I'd feared it might be. 

But, I would strongly encourage you to spend _at least _one full year after your divorce is final working on yourself. Learn to be happy, healthy and whole all by yourself. Get a therapist if you need one. Learn about what healthy self-esteem, healthy boundaries and healthy relationships actually look like - and what it takes to have those things. Fix yourself. Fix your picker. Then, you'll be really ready to meet a great partner, and _be_ a great partner. Once you reach that point, dating, sex, relationships, won't be so scary. Because you'll know yourself, know what you want and don't want, and trust yourself to make good choices.


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

My ex husband was my first. We were together for over 10 years. It was definitely strange to have another man touching me. Even though I was divorced, I still felt like I was being unfaithful. 

It took a while, but I did learn to enjoy what another man felt like. I actually learned to enjoy something different, and really expanded my appetite sexually. I learned all kinds of new things that I had never experienced before. Some I loved, some I was meh about, and some that I never tried again. My divorce led to a sexual awakening. It was a good thing, for me. 

My current husband and I have been together over 20 years, and I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Even after 20+ years we still REALLY enjoy one another physically; more than I ever enjoyed my ex. We have a bond that my ex and I never developed. It's been amazing!

So, yeah, it will probably be awkward, and definitely different, to be with another man. Hopefully you will find someone who understands that it might take you a bit to feel comfortable sexually. If a new man doesn't understand that, keep looking! It takes time, but eventually you will relax. Who knows, you may take this opportunity to really let go, and explore your sexually in depth. Enjoy yourself and your belly single status; be it taking things slow, or sowing your wild oats. Do what feels right to you.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

All you have to do is read her to see some may see this as a benefit. Really I wouldn't worry about that, just be open and honest with your potential next partner at the appropriate time to do so. His reaction will be a good test to see if he is the one anyway.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

anna88 said:


> How weird is to have had only one partner? My soon to be ex husband was my first. We are in the middle of divorce. I just cannot imagine ever being with another man. Maybe I find it so hard to let him go because he was my first? I am 36 yo.


To be honest, I find that neat. 

Not your divorce (sorry you are at that point with your marriage), but the fact you've only been with one person.

The way relationships are treated now, it's refreshing to hear someone not be embarrassed by having low partner numbers.

You're waaaay young (OMG I can't believe that I'm now old enough to make that statement).
You'll find whoever you need with out issues.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Not weird at all. I think our culture automatically labels it as weird, but it stands out as unique and willing to be selective.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Or being light-hearted of this is like driving a hotrod Chevy, but now you get to drive the supercharged caddy. 😀😈


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

After being with my husband for 27 years being single and dating in my mid 50's was very strange to me. I made my share of mistakes, learned alot, have had alot of fun dating again. You will be just fine. Learn from past so that you do not repeat the same, take responsibility for what was yours.....basically reflect. Get out there and enjoy life once again.


----------

