# I've got a great guy, but I can't connect.



## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

hello,
New SN. I've lurked on TAB for months. 

I can't even believe I'm posting under this section, but here I am. 

DH and I met in early 2012 right after a breakup of mine (about a month). We didn't "mean" to meet, but it just happened. Admittedly, we moved way to quick. He moved in within 3 months. After we'd been together for about a year, he proposed and we got married about 8 months later. Even during the engagement process, we'd get in fights and I asked him if he wanted to postpone the wedding. He said no. The fights were usually over semi- stupid stuff, but would escalate into bigger issues. I honestly can't remember what they were about now. 

I got pregnant almost immediately after our wedding( we were trying. I know. Very quick) and spent the first 10 months of our marriage pregnant, and then we had our child. Since the birth of our child, things seem to have gone progressively downhill. I was diagnosed with a couple autoimmune diseases (thyroid stuff, ect.) and our entire lives have become all about our child, and that's about it. She's a horrible sleeper, and we get almost NO time to ourselves without our child. 

This is where the hard part comes in. I don't know why, but I am not happy. I am sure there is a reason, but I can't pin point it. We are living like roomates at this point. Sex life is non-existent. This is on me. I just don't want too. I guess if I'm being honest, I just don't feel an attraction anymore. I don't feel a drive (this is not just a post baby thing. This is a recurring theme in ALL my relationships. I am just very low drive). I know my DH is the opposite and I feel horrible. Most of our fights are about sex, but I just cannot change how I feel. At this point, I'm sleeping on the couch. Our toddler comes into our room at night and our bed is not big enough for all of us, so I've started sleeping downstairs. I hate that this is happening, because he is a wonderful guy. He has a good full time job, he's GREAT with our daughter, he dotes on me. It makes this all so much harder. I SHOULD be very happy, but I am not. 

There is no one else. I just feel like I am not meant to be in a LTR. All my LTR's end like this. I seem to "burn out" and then start distancing myself until I can't come back from it, and the damage is done. We've been fighting on and off about this for a long time and I know he's not happy either, but I don't think he will want to separate. 

The thought of not seeing my daughter is crippling. We generally get along. We don't' fight in front of our daughter, we just don't really kiss, or hold hands, or are affectionate in anyway (like I said, Room Mates). He deserves more than I am giving him, and I know it, but I don't know that I can go "back" at this point, as we've had MANY discussions about our marriage and nothing ever changes. 

I feel damaged. I hate to hurt him. I grew up in dysfunctional family where love was often withheld from me. I really need to seek out a therapist for my own issues, but we live tight right now, and I'm not sure we can afford it. 

so I guess my question is, does this happen? Do people just drift apart? Is this likely because we rushed and didn't really KNOW each other? How do I get over the guilt of tearing apart my family for issues I can't even really pin down??


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Moved to quick, moved in together to quick, got married to quick, got pregnant to quick. You now realize you are not compatible because, well.......you moved to quick.

He sounds like a good man. Please get some therapy, it helps. I hope this relationship can be saved.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

After reading this again, I feel like I should delve in a little more.

I feel like we don't have that much in common. He loves video games, and I don't. I don't want to play them, or watch them, or really want to talk about them (he calls me a Buzzkill when I don't want to talk about them). I used to game when I was younger, but I really lost touch with it all. We do watch sports together, but that's about it. Here lately, I just really don't even want to talk that much. He has said that all I do is complain about work, and i'll give that to him, but that's pretty much all I do. Work, child rear, and sleep. I don't have much else going on in my life. He's said that I'm negative. Okay. I can try to fix that. 

I don't feel supported by him sometimes, I guess. With all my health issues I've tried various "clean eating" diets. I know they can be annoying, but they actually help me. I asked him to do a Whole30 with me because our grocery budget only goes so far, and it was only 30 days and he flat out refused because he didn't "need" to eat clean. ( which is true, I suppose) Also, shortly after we met, I quit drinking. Completely. I never once asked him to quit, but I did build some resentment for the fact that he would still drink around me, but sucked it up. It was a me problem. 

I guess I get annoyed by his opinions on things and they never seem to jive with how I feel. I have always wanted to do cross fit but he criticizes it EVERY time I bring it up and how much of waste it is, ect. I just feel like we are ALWAYS on opposing teams. A lot of things with our parenting seem to be a competition. It seems childish on BOTH of our ends. 

There is a lot of guess, but it all seems to trivial when you write it out.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

rockon said:


> Moved to quick, moved in together to quick, got married to quick, got pregnant to quick. You now realize you are not compatible because, well.......you moved to quick.
> 
> He sounds like a good man. Please get some therapy, it helps. I hope this relationship can be saved.


I do not disagree with you at all. He is a good man. I've been trying to work out how therapy would work, but money is low right now, and I'm not sure we have it.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Have you ever thought about counseling?

How was your childhood?

You seem to self sabotage and that's not a good thing.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Have you ever thought about counseling?
> 
> How was your childhood?
> 
> You seem to self sabotage and that's not a good thing.


yes, I have thought about counseling. As I said, money is tight. I cannot figure out how we could afford it. I know I need to do it. 

My childhood was not good. My dad left when I was a baby (he was an alcoholic). Didn't know him again at all until I was in my early 20's. My mom had me as a teenager. I always felt like a burden and she was pretty emotionally abusive to me (withdrawing love, made me tell her EVERYTHING that happened in my life). She jumped around from man to man. I've moved nearly 30x within the same town in my life. I went to 5 schools. I moved out from my mom's when I was 15, and lived with my grandfather for a few years until I finally moved out on my own. I like being on my own. I always enjoyed living by myself and will admit that I find it hard living with another adult. I'm a huge introvert. At the end of the night I need at least an hour of two by myself. My husband is an extrovert. Very talkative. Sometimes it's too much for me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Blue777 said:


> yes, I have thought about counseling. As I said, money is tight. I cannot figure out how we could afford it. I know I need to do it.
> 
> My childhood was not good. My dad left when I was a baby (he was an alcoholic). Didn't know him again at all until I was in my early 20's. My mom had me as a teenager. I always felt like a burden and she was pretty emotionally abusive to me (withdrawing love, made me tell her EVERYTHING that happened in my life). She jumped around from man to man. I've moved nearly 30x within the same town in my life. I went to 5 schools. I moved out from my mom's when I was 15, and lived with my grandfather for a few years until I finally moved out on my own. I like being on my own. I always enjoyed living by myself and will admit that I find it hard living with another adult. I'm a huge introvert. At the end of the night I need at least an hour of two by myself. My husband is an extrovert. Very talkative. Sometimes it's too much for me.


Well I think you need to invest in your happiness and counseling would be a good way to start.

I mean some intense once or twice a week counseling.

I think you can save this relationship but you need to fix you first.

Your problems and behavior are common with the childhood you described.

You must deal with this or you will always find a way to punish yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Get thee to therapy w/ all due haste!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Well I think you need to invest in your happiness and counseling would be a good way to start.
> 
> I mean some intense once or twice a week counseling.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. I will start looking into therapists tomorrow and seeing how much it will cost me. I've been putting this off for years, but know that I need it..

I looked up "self sabatoger" and I'm just sitting here laughing because it all fits to a T. Who knew? Good lord. Not me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Blue777 said:


> Thank you for this. I will start looking into therapists tomorrow and seeing how much it will cost me. I've been putting this off for years, but know that I need it..
> 
> I looked up "self sabatoger" and I'm just sitting here laughing because it all fits to a T. Who knew? Good lord. Not me.


Good Luck

Just know that we all carry wounds from childhood.

Some more than others. 

I myself am the child of an alcoholic and it took me years to let it go.

Lost probably 8 years of my life with rebellious irrational behavior.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Blue777 said:


> I guess I get annoyed by his opinions on things and they never seem to jive with how I feel. I have always wanted to do cross fit but he criticizes it EVERY time I bring it up and how much of waste it is, ect..


I'm getting an impression that he is a bit too opinionated. I was too when I was in my early/mid 20's. How old are both of you?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
We are no doubt products of our environment, especially during our formative years. However, we are also more than the sum of our parts or our programming. Yours was not an easy childhood and the resultant behavior you exhibit is almost certainly due, in large part, to that environment. I agree that counseling could be of value in your situation but there is also much you can do to "undo" your "programming".

Knowledge is key to this, along with the ability to understand and recognize these negative traits for it is impossible for anyone to effectively change when they do not know what "correct" behavior is. Therefore it is imperative that you seek out as much information on this subject as you can so that you can begin to formulate what proper behavior looks like and then begin to emulate it. It is only as you begin to realize how you are sabotaging yourself that you can alter your responses and actions.

I would explain this to your husband so that he may share in this journey with you. He may be a source of strength and support and you may find his help invaluable. The fact that you came here seeking help and that you do now recognize some of the traits you exhibit is promising. This can be "fixed" but it will take effort and perseverance on your part. You can show your child that which was denied you.

If you can manage counseling immediately then so be it. You can work in unison with your therapist to grow beyond this but, if you are forced to wait until financial conditions allow, then I urge you not to wait and do nothing but rather to begin your journey by arming yourself with information. We are cognizant beings with the ability to grow, now is your time to begin.

I sincerely hope that your H is capable of seeing the importance in helping you through this but even if he is not you must do this for you and for your child. I wish you good fortune.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Blue777 said:


> Thank you for this. I will start looking into therapists tomorrow and seeing how much it will cost me. I've been putting this off for years, but know that I need it..
> 
> I looked up "self sabatoger" and I'm just sitting here laughing because it all fits to a T. Who knew? Good lord. Not me.


Don't be hard on yourself as you learn more about yourself. Many people are just not very self-aware, because they've never had a reason to be. They just go through the motions in life, especially when they're young, because they think it's what they're "supposed" to do.

Learning about yourself is empowering. Using what you've learned about yourself to apply methods for increasing your own happiness is truly enlightening.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> I'm getting an impression that he is a bit too opinionated. I was too when I was in my early/mid 20's. How old are both of you?


I am 30. He is 29.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Thanks so much everyone. It seems a little ridiculous that it took me this long to realize it was probably me. But now that I think about it, yep. It's me. My mom has been married 3x. I honestly think she's either BPD or Narcissistic. There was almost a Stockholm syndrome type of relationship growing up. I've just started recognizing some of her behavior as "not normal" and have been distancing myself, and calling her out on her manipulations. I think how I was raised probably has a LOT to do with my failing relationships. 

I'm going to start calling around today to some therapists to see what kind of cost I'm looking at.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Rambling now, but there was never a model of a good relationship for me growing up. Like I said, she bounced between men frequently, and moved me a LOT. She was never married to my actual father because she was a teenager, but her first husband was basically the "good on paper" husband. She stayed with him even though she didn't want too, and ended up cheating on him and then moving us out in the middle of the night to live with the man she was seeing. The second husband was awful to me. Very selfish and overly protective of me. Would lock me outside of my own house so that I couldn't be alone with my boyfriend. When I asked my mom to protect me from this, she basically said I was on my own because I "was growing up and was going to leave her, so she wasn't getting rid of a husband for me" and that's when I left (at age 15) to go live elsewhere. 

I know this has nothing to do with marriage at this point, really, but it's enlightening to me. I never thought about it until now, and how I always want to "run". I don't have the "fight" just the "flight".


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> We are no doubt products of our environment, especially during our formative years. However, we are also more than the sum of our parts or our programming. Yours was not an easy childhood and the resultant behavior you exhibit is almost certainly due, in large part, to that environment. I agree that counseling could be of value in your situation but there is also much you can do to "undo" your "programming".
> 
> Knowledge is key to this, along with the ability to understand and recognize these negative traits for it is impossible for anyone to effectively change when they do not know what "correct" behavior is. Therefore it is imperative that you seek out as much information on this subject as you can so that you can begin to formulate what proper behavior looks like and then begin to emulate it. It is only as you begin to realize how you are sabotaging yourself that you can alter your responses and actions.
> ...



I agree. Even so, there is still a possibility that even if you work through most of your issues, a married life may not be for you and he still may not be compatible. Neither of you may be wrong, just wrong for one another. After attraction in any initial relationship, other factors usually have to take place as well for attraction to exist and something to bond over. The goal should be undoing some of what you suffered when you were young and given your age, it makes it easier. Whatever the outcome at the end of it all, hopefully everyone involved does what is best for everyone else whether together or not. It is okay to not want to be in a LTR.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Blue777 said:


> I do not disagree with you at all. He is a good man. I've been trying to work out how therapy would work, but money is low right now, and I'm not sure we have it.


Therapy is cheaper than divorce.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Therapy is cheaper than divorce.


I am working on it. We live paycheck to paycheck and I have no interest in racking up MORE debt. I will talk to my husband and see if we can cut some things out of our budget to make this happen for me. Debt is one of my biggest stressors, so putting myself in more debt, even for therapy, might not be beneficial for me. But I AM working on it.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Blue777 said:


> I am working on it. We live paycheck to paycheck and I have no interest in racking up MORE debt. I will talk to my husband and see if we can cut some things out of our budget to make this happen for *me*. Debt is one of my biggest stressors, so putting myself in more debt, even for therapy, might not be beneficial for me. But I AM working on it.


Make it happen for "us" not for "me." Individual therapy might also be good, but you need marriage counselling and better communication, and your husband needs to see how the marriage will benefit from it so he'll be on board with any financial sacrifices needed.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Make it happen for "us" not for "me." Individual therapy might also be good, but you need marriage counselling and better communication, and your husband needs to see how the marriage will benefit from it so he'll be on board with any financial sacrifices needed.


I was going to try to start fixing me first because without me being fixed, really our marriage isn't going to work. Do you think I should just do MC and not focus so much on my Self Sabotaging stuff or will they do that in MC? I've never been to counseling in my life. I really wanted a safe place to go and focus on me and my issues before doing the marriage thing. 

This might sound backwards, but I thought it made the most sense.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

I sent my DH a huge email today. An honest one. Probably more honest than I've ever been about our problems. I told him how distant I'm feeling and how I was reading up about Self Sabotaging and it fit me to a T and how it all made sense with my background. I had talked about me just doing therapy for now, and he was fine with that. I told him I want this to work out and I don't want to go anywhere, but I need his patience and understanding. 

We cannot afford to pay for TWO therapies. Marriage and individual for me. So which is of more help? I thought getting my crap with my entire childhood and life sorted out would be the first priority, but maybe not?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Every marriage can benefit from counselling. I just think that if you only do individual therapy, he'll think any problems in the marriage are 100% your fault. He will miss opportunities to improve things from his end, and to understand you better.

If you've had many discussions about your marriage and nothing ever changes, it sounds like time to have a neutral third party help you out. Discussions between two people are often adversarial, with both people digging in their heels and expecting the other person to do all the changing. A skilled therapist can help you be a team again, working towards the same goal of improving the marriage.

Also, get a sitter now and then, so you can have alone time with your husband. You're never going to be able to implement anything from counselling otherwise.


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## 1111volcano (May 25, 2016)

There has to be a way that you could get therapy or counseling in your area. Like is there any government services you could sign up for?

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This.

Do you know what he means by self sabotaging, OP?

It largely has to do with how you view yourself. You view yourself as unlovable, and create distance from your partner because you don't feel like you deserve to be loved.

The key to this is embracing and loving who you are. You can't properly love another until you can properly love yourself.



ButtPunch said:


> Well I think you need to invest in your happiness and counseling would be a good way to start.
> 
> I mean some intense once or twice a week counseling.
> 
> ...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

You mentioned that you had throid issues with/after the pregnancy.

If you have thyroid issues, that has to be corrected before any therapy.

If your thyroid is off, you will be all over the place because your body is in massive turmoil.

Diet can help, but you need to find out what's wrong before you go too much longer.

Get that corrected first. This will take some time.

IC after you get your thyroid treated - if you are already in IC, make sure to tell the therapist that you are having thyroid issues.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

See an Internal Medicine doctor about your LD symptoms.

Have them go over any medications that you are on to see if something "else" is causing this lack of interest.

It could be depression and/or reaction to any depression meds that you are taking. 

Lingering Post Partum Depression? I know you have said that you always revert to this LD state, but PPD can add to it.

Men get over this with T usage...women's hormonal options are sometimes risky. So is divorce and being alone.

Off topic.............I fear the day that Modern Medicine comes up with a drug that makes all women horny, with few physical side effects. Marriages will [further] wane....families will not be the norm...the World will collapse.

Oh, I know...it will be lots of fun, while the party lasts!

Life on Earth is not guaranteed. Especially for H. Sapiens. 

****roaches? They will live forever.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Every marriage can benefit from counselling. I just think that if you only do individual therapy, he'll think any problems in the marriage are 100% your fault. He will miss opportunities to improve things from his end, and to understand you better.
> 
> If you've had many discussions about your marriage and nothing ever changes, it sounds like time to have a neutral third party help you out. Discussions between two people are often adversarial, with both people digging in their heels and expecting the other person to do all the changing. A skilled therapist can help you be a team again, working towards the same goal of improving the marriage.
> 
> Also, get a sitter now and then, so you can have alone time with your husband. You're never going to be able to implement anything from counselling otherwise.


We get a sitter once every 3 weeks for about 24 hours.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> This.
> 
> Do you know what he means by self sabotaging, OP?
> 
> ...


This is exactly why I wanted to go to IC first...


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

snerg said:


> You mentioned that you had throid issues with/after the pregnancy.
> 
> If you have thyroid issues, that has to be corrected before any therapy.
> 
> ...


I see an endocrinologist regularly. So, that is taken care of and I don't believe part of the issue. I do have Hashimoto's which causes wild fluctuations even on medication. There isn't much they can do that, as there is no cure for hashi's. But I do keep track of my levels, and it's being maintained.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> See an Internal Medicine doctor about your LD symptoms.
> 
> Have them go over any medications that you are on to see if something "else" is causing this lack of interest.
> 
> ...


The only medications I am on are for my Thyroid. I've had LD issues my entire sexual life and way before I was on any medications. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I don't think the thyroid meds are causing it. It's been every single relationship. Sex is decent in the beginning and then tapers off until I am content with nothing at all which I KNOW is HORRIBLE. I do. I beat myself up over it constantly, but I just don't FEEL it. 

I did not have PPD, and do not think that I do now. 

I don't FEEL depressed, but I guess that doesn't mean that I'm not I suppose ?


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

I've had myriads of blood tests done. had my cortisol tested, ect. I just had exploratory surgery for suspected endometriosis (which I do not have), I have pelvic congestion syndrome which does make sex painful for me. I've got many health issues, some of which are unresolved. I have been tested for just about everything. I do not think there is a Medical reason I am LD.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blue777 said:


> I've had myriads of blood tests done. had my cortisol tested, ect. I just had exploratory surgery for suspected endometriosis (which I do not have), I have pelvic congestion syndrome which does make sex painful for me. I've got many health issues, some of which are unresolved. I have been tested for just about everything. I do not think there is a Medical reason I am LD.


Psychology is medicine. Our brains [resultant thinking] are affected by any chemical that crosses the brain-blood-barrier. Body chemistry is ever so complex and hard to control, without unwanted side effects.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Blue777 said:


> The only medications I am on are for my Thyroid. I've had LD issues my entire sexual life and way before I was on any medications. I'm not trying to make excuses, but I don't think the thyroid meds are causing it. It's been every single relationship. *Sex is decent in the beginning and then tapers off until I am content with nothing at all *which I KNOW is HORRIBLE. I do. I beat myself up over it constantly, but I just don't FEEL it.
> 
> I did not have PPD, and do not think that I do now.
> 
> I don't FEEL depressed, but I guess that doesn't mean that I'm not I suppose ?


Read up on new relationship energy, Coolidge effect and limerence. This sort of tapering off is quite normal as initial lust develops into deeper bonding over time. Try concentrating on activities together that are exciting, rather than romantic. Do things together that get the adrenaline pumping again.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Psychology is medicine. Our brains [resultant thinking] are affected by any chemical that crosses the brain-blood-barrier. Body chemistry is ever so complex and hard to control, without unwanted side effects.


Not really sure what you are getting at here. Care to elaborate? I obviously can't just not take thyroid meds. They are for life.


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## Blue777 (Sep 26, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Read up on new relationship energy, Coolidge effect and limerence. This sort of tapering off is quite normal as initial lust develops into deeper bonding over time. Try concentrating on activities together that are exciting, rather than romantic. Do things together that get the adrenaline pumping again.


I will check into it, but I'm not sure it's "normal" to be completely okay with never wanting to have sex. Clearly it creates a problem with my husband who is still HD (or it seems that way to me). I do not feel an attraction that makes me want to. I know that's bad. I feel horrible, but I don't know what else to say, as that's what it is. 


I've often just wondered if I just haven't met someone I am sexually compatible with, but I am pretty "closed off" and I'm not sure why. I get embarrassed about a lot of things and I just feel awkward about sex in general.


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