# My husband is reckless with our baby



## 23anon (7 mo ago)

Buckle in folks this one is long: 

My (27f) husband (29m) have been married over four years now. We have an 8m baby together. I’d say for the most part our relationship has been great; we’re best friends and have always communicated well.
When baby came along, things changed. Past trauma in husbands life started resurfacing, creating this huge rift in our relationship. A few weeks after baby was born husband flat out asked me if baby was his. I told him of course he is. His reasoning for asking is because baby looks exactly like me - and only has a few of his traits (bb has his exact birth marks, hair color, etc). This question hurt a lot - I was recovering from a brutal C-section and my husband was asking if I had been unfaithful AND gotten pregnant AND was passing off this love child for him to raise?? We went to a little counseling and things cooled off.
Now for the reason I’m here. Husband has continuously put bb in dangerous situations while telling me it’s fine bc he’s watching him. He held in dangerous positions when bb was brand new and I’d immediately correct him and he’d apologize and say he wouldn’t do it again. Husband would fill up bath way too high and say that he was watching and it’d be fine. I’d correct him. He’d offer bb common choking hazard foods?? I’d tell him no. He’d walk away from baby on changing table and I’d run over and tell him to never do that again. I was basically always after him and his response was that *I* needed to chill out. Here’s where I’m at now: 
Yesterday morning, husband got up early with bb while I stayed in bed. They played, went on a walk, had breakfast. I’m walking downstairs and headed into the dining room where I see bb lying on the edge of dining room table about to roll face first into the ground. It was a three foot drop. I was able to run and catch him before he fell. Husband was a few feet away with his back turned. He said he put him there for just a second so he could move bb playmat. I was furious. Had I not caught him we would’ve ended up in the ER. I told husband he is no longer allowed to be alone with bb and that he will be sleeping in the spare bedroom. He’s apologized profusely since and promised he’d never be reckless with bb again. 
I don’t know how to move on from here. I can’t trust him with my son. Help?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yeah, you can't trust him with the baby. Period. I agree, you can't leave them alone together. 

I'm unsure if a parenting class would help.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your husband resents your baby for some reason. Maybe he wants all your attention or maybe it’s something else. 
I don’t know what past traumas he’s had in his life and frankly I don’t care, he’s putting an innocent baby at risk. In your shoes I would go further than you have. I would ask him to leave until he’s had extensive counselling and even then it would be a long time before I trusted him. I would also make it clear that if there’s another “incident” you will report him to the relevant authorities.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

What your husband is doing is beyond terrible...... just terrible. 

What was he going to say if your son fell on the ground? 

Sorry?

No. Sorry doesn't cut it when it comes to "mistakes" like this. There is no coming back from that. If I were you, I would be pushing hard with parenting classes. I say this from a non-emotional point of view. The way he is acting right now is a divorceable offense in my opinion. Problem is, the baby will be with him alone if you divorce right now. That isn't safe at this moment. He needs to understand that he cannot treat an infant like this. 

Secondly, I would get him a paternity test in order to get rid of that worry for him. 

*I know that sounds REALLY bad*, but hear me out. Is it insulting to you? Absolutely. Right now though I think you need to put your feelings to the side (which I wholeheartedly agree are completely justified). You can work on your relationship and feelings later - right now you have an infant in danger. If a paternity test helps him treat your child with more respect and care, then I would do it. 

Once you can get your situation stable where you don't have to worry about the safety of your child, then I would work on your relationship situation. Either think about divorce or counseling if you want to save your marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people are just careless. Some people don’t believe anything will really go wrong. Some people secretly resent having a child and that leads to lots of problems. Who knows which one he is but now you know he can’t be trusted with your child. Not everyone is suited to be a parent so don’t have more children with him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ask yourself why, of all the places he could put the baby, he chose the dining table. Babies that age are becoming mobile and keeping them safe takes vigilance. Whatever his issues are, he doesn’t need to be left alone with a child. Ever.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mistakes are going to happen. Is he learning from each one? 

You said he held the newborn wrong, and you corrected him. He filled the bath too much (I'm very guilty of this, who wants a bath with 1" of water?), and you corrected him. He offered the baby whole grapes or whatever, and you corrected him. He walked away from baby while on a raised surface, and you corrected him. 

Did he do those things again after being told not to? 

Does he just need parenting classes and parenting books because this doesn't come naturally to him or he didn't learn it? Or does he know this stuff but just doesn't care? There is a difference. 

Does the trauma make him feel disconnected from the baby? He may need to work on that childhood trauma with a therapist.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@23anon, personally, I think you've given your husband plenty of chances to correct his behaviour and to be gentler and smarter when handling your baby. I don't think that you overreacted, and I don't think that you need to chill out. 

If your H has past trauma that is starting to resurface because of your baby being born, it's high time for him to deal with that through therapy.

Until he gets a grip and understands how much his behaviour is actually affecting you and baby, then he needs to be supervised at all times.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What is his past trauma? 

Putting a baby at the edge of a table is bizarre. Safer surely to put him on the floor or a sofa for example. 
Keep a record of any such events, you may need them one day.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

23anon said:


> Buckle in folks this one is long:
> 
> My (27f) husband (29m) have been married over four years now. We have an 8m baby together. I’d say for the most part our relationship has been great; we’re best friends and have always communicated well.
> When baby came along, things changed. Past trauma in husbands life started resurfacing, creating this huge rift in our relationship. A few weeks after baby was born husband flat out asked me if baby was his. I told him of course he is. His reasoning for asking is because baby looks exactly like me - and only has a few of his traits (bb has his exact birth marks, hair color, etc). This question hurt a lot - I was recovering from a brutal C-section and my husband was asking if I had been unfaithful AND gotten pregnant AND was passing off this love child for him to raise?? We went to a little counseling and things cooled off.
> ...


Sadly sometimes this is the way of letting you know he doesn't really want to be responsible for the baby. My friend couldn't trust her husband with the toddler even for 2 hours to go to the grocery store. She come home and her husband will be on the computer and have no idea where the baby was. He just didn't want to do it. Your husband may be that evil or he may just be that stupid, but either way you have some decisions to make.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You might try and rolling you both in a parenting class bringing that subject up there if you think he might listen to anyone more than he listens to you. Also if his parents are alive you might just wrap it out to whichever parent will straighten him out, of course there's always the chance they are useless and that's why he is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are many children who somehow survive to adulthood despite their parents (and there are some who sadly don’t). My husband apparently didn’t believe bad things could happen to children. Fortunately, I discovered that before something serious happened. I had my warning moment and now you’ve had yours. Heed it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> *Safer surely to put him on* the floor or *a sofa* for example.


Uh... no. They can just as easily roll off a sofa or throw themselves off the side or back.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Put them in a carrier. It's not rocket science. Thing is we're preaching to the choir.


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## 23anon (7 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> There are many children who somehow survive to adulthood despite their parents (and there are some who sadly don’t). My husband apparently didn’t believe bad things could happen to children. Fortunately, I discovered that before something serious happened. I had my warning moment and now you’ve had yours. Heed it.


How did you proceed?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Put them in a carrier. It's not rocket science. Thing is we're preaching to the choir.


Staple gun? Just kidding. A parenting class for sure, the paternity test maybe, and being cautious as you are most definitely.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

23anon said:


> How did you proceed?


I did all the childcare.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I think men and women parent very differently. My husband was great at changing diapers but that was it. He recognized he didn't know what to do with an infant and I understood because I didn't know either! My maternal instincts didn't kick in right after having a baby. I felt very lost as a new mom.

I think there's a difference between doing stuff on purpose and doing stuff that's so unfamiliar you make terrible mistakes. Sometimes people don't realize there is danger in a situation or action. What's your husband's case? 

The safest place for a baby is the floor. I think your husband thought "I need to get the mat, I don't want to put the baby on the floor, I'm gonna put him on the table because that's a better place" and he didn't think a table is a dangerous place for a rolling baby. For us, this is a common sense thing but it wasn't for him. I think you need to teach him baby safety rules because maybe he doesn't see danger the way we see it. 

Some children hospitals have safety classes. Check out your local hospital and see what classes are available to future or new parents.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Your husband resents your baby for some reason. Maybe he wants all your attention or maybe it’s something else.
> I don’t know what past traumas he’s had in his life and frankly I don’t care, he’s putting an innocent baby at risk. In your shoes I would go further than you have. I would ask him to leave until he’s had extensive counselling and even then it would be a long time before I trusted him. I would also make it clear that if there’s another “incident” you will report him to the relevant authorities.


This!



LATERILUS79 said:


> Secondly, I would get him a paternity test in order to get rid of that worry for him.


The only way I'd do this is if I left the test results with the divorce papers waiting on the table for him.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

frusdil said:


> This!
> 
> 
> 
> The only way I'd do this is if I left the test results with the divorce papers waiting on the table for him.


I don't disagree with you. 

I'm looking for ways for the OP to keep her infant safe. It sounds like to me that her husband has convinced himself that the child isn't his. I feel like that is contributing to his carelessness of the baby. 

I am by no means saying his actions are right. They are not. It doesn't matter if the child is his or not - he is being exceptionally careless at this time with a baby. Some of his mistakes I could sorta see. The table incident doesn't sound like a mistake to me. 

My point for a paternity test isn't to make him feel better about his family and marriage. It's about making him take more ownership in the child's life and not be so careless. Like I mentioned before, if she divorces him right now, he will get partial custody and she won't be able to watch how he neglects the child while she isn't there. Last thing OP needs is to be worried sick when he has custody of the child smile she isn't around. 

I agree the way it stands right now she should divorce him - but for now if a paternity test could prevent him from putting a baby on a table and walking away...... sometimes you gotta swallow your pride and do it. She can deal with him in divorce court later.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@23anon

Why your husband assumed that your baby is not his? A man will not assume _this_ unless something happened that bugs him to this extent.

You mentioned that your husband have childhood trauma. Can you elaborate on this part?

As for him being reckless with the baby:

_"I’m walking downstairs and headed into the dining room where I see bb lying on the edge of dining room table about to roll face first into the ground. It was a three foot drop. I was able to run and catch him before he fell. Husband was a few feet away with his back turned. He said he put him there for just a second so he could move bb playmat. I was furious. Had I not caught him we would’ve ended up in the ER. I told husband he is no longer allowed to be alone with bb and that he will be sleeping in the spare bedroom."_

That was very stupid of him and your reaction to him is understandable. Make him sleep in another bedroom for 2 days. This might help you to calm down as well.

Do you have somebody trustworthy (sister; mom; aunt) who can help you in this situation?

1. You [should] request somebody trustworthy to *help you *handle the baby for "some days." This is assuming that you cannot do this on your own for now.

You might restrict your husband's access to the baby *but* he is still the father and should be allowed to bond with the baby.

2. You [should] tell your husband *to learn how to* handle the baby. There is ample guidance on the web in this regard.









Keeping Your Baby Safe


WebMD offers tips on keeping your baby safe -- in the tub, the car, the house, and outdoors.




www.webmd.com













How to hold a newborn: in pictures


To hold a baby safely, take care with baby’s head and neck. Slide a hand under baby’s head and the other hand under baby’s bottom, then lift. See more.




raisingchildren.net.au





You may share these links with him, and continue to teach him (yourself).

Give him a chance to learn from his mistakes *but* be vigilent and observant for the baby.

Do NOT be excessively harsh on your husband. This will not solve anything. You need to understand his 'concerns' and 'problems' and push him to work on them.

3. It is IMPORTANT for your husband to heal from his childhood trauma and/or address his personal insecurities. You need to push him in this direction.

I will not advise divorce. Some people are eager to suggest this when they notice a marriage going through a rough phase but they are not affected in the least bit.

Your husband is not distant, cold or emotionless. He apologized to you for his mistake. You have hope.

Child birth can affect you as well.









Postnatal depression


Postnatal depression is a type of depression that many parents experience after having a baby. It's a common problem. Depression in pregnancy (antenatal depression) is also common.




www.nhs.uk





If you suspect that you have postnatal depression then seek appropriate treatment for it.

Just do your best as a mom, and try to handle your situation in calm and collected manner.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I'm not a parent. It sounds like you & your husband didn't talk about expectations & skills. Maybe he just doesn't know. Every time you correct it sounds like you are scolding him. He may resent you for treating him like a child. There has to be a more gentle way to for him to get instructions about safety without you criticizing everything he does & making an already tense situation worse. 

I agree with whoever said offer the paternity test. Yes, it is highly insulting to you but can you get past that enough to reassure the man you love? Isn't there any value to you in making him feel more secure / happier instead of leaving him to ruminate about his darkest fears? I'm sure there is some inadequacy under here that is making him a bit crazy. Soothe rather than aggravate him.


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