# The sexual revolution... how depressing!



## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

There has been a sexual revolution. There seems to be a massive sea change in the awareness that intimacy and sex are important in a relationship. Where sex used to be more of a taboo a few years back, now every popular magazine and website has something to say on the subject. Magazines like Cosmo, Men's Health, Redbook along with websites like HuffPo, and the many others are much more open about topics of sexuality. Even advice on forums like this. 

Google "spice up your sex life" and you'll get hundreds of hits. Some will focus on intimacy, some sex.

So I did just that. I Googled everything from "improve intimacy" to "spice up sex life". 

If I click the Cosmo link, I'll get a list of 7 or 30 things to try. It's women's magazine, so it's from the woman's perspective, right. My wife should relate to that. Reading through the list, I don't see a single thing I could present to my wife without feeling like a pervert. No, I don't think the list is bad, but I think it's way beyond what my wife would consider reasonable. Some people talk about fantasies. I'd like to act out an article of Cosmo as a fantasy. 

OK... Men's Health. "Try New (location, positions, toys, porn) OK. That's too male centric. 

Redbook... When did they get so liberated? 

Psychology Today... OK. They don't don every article with pictures of lingerie clad women and buff guys. But darn, the advice is kind of the same, it's just written in a borax format. Wait... they're suggesting my wife pleasure me when even if she's not in the mood? Sound's good to me, but realistically... Maybe my wife would respond better to pics of buff guys. 

So I read this stuff. I think to myself. Some guys must have it really good. There has been a sexual revolution, but it maybe passing us by. 

I get a bit frustrated with my situation. I think maybe I should send my wife a link to this article or that. Sometimes I do, and she never responds as I'd hope. Instead of saying "number 7 looks great!", I get "I don't have time to read that, I'm cleaning the house." Then when I get home, it's not like she read it and thinks it's a great idea. It's more that of chore. That she has to read it, I don't expect her to act it out. Unless she's open to it. 

Now, we've tried some of the revolutionary stuff. Porn, toys, massage, blindfolds, lingerie; but it doesn't seem to be within my wife's comfort zone. It's nothing she would suggest. It's all on me to make suggestions. 

I even sent her a link to that sexual activity list. I check off everything I would like to try and she does the same and it shows us where we agree. She ends up answering "we do that already" to all of this stuff that we tried once and I thought was great, but I'm not sure if she likes it. Damn, they should get rid of that answer. Yes or no would be better. But the point of the test was to get us to be open to new things. For her it was a test, a chore and it didn't seem like discussing it would've been helpful. 

So, I like sex a lot. I'm the HD in the relationship, so I'll come at this differently then an LD. In my case, my wife who I love and am committed to. We are also on a surprising hot streak, we had sex twice in a week. I don't know whether to be ecstatic or to try for more. You don't stop panning for gold when you hit the gold steak, do you?

Or maybe this is just me being a HD? That probably gives me a poor sense of timing. Then again, I've yet to find a good time to discuss that recent Cosmo article with my wife.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

How old are you? Sex was taboo only a few years back?

ETA: I remember my mom's magazines talking about sex way, way, way back in the 1970's.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

So, you've got a sexually repressed, sexually boring wife who just isn't that into you. You can read all you want, but if she's not interested, nothing will change. You might want to try the usual things suggested on this forum: No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. Maybe they'll help. Maybe a new wife will help more. Who knows? I tried the latter route, and it worked great!


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> How old are you? Sex was taboo only a few years back?
> 
> ETA: I remember my mom's magazines talking about sex way, way, way back in the 1970's.


I was born in the 70's, and recognize that the roots of the revolution were likely from the 60's, but there seems to be a steady change in what the norms are. Reaching sexual maturity post revolution means that you don't know the other way, yet I feel like for some, that taboo still exists. 

Even laws against sex toys, which still exist in some states, have gone from being reasonable policy positions to being laughable.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Cosmo has been discussing sex for years. Men's Health has had sex articles for many, many years. I'm about to turn 47, so not really old per se, but not really young either. My wife is 42. Anything we feel about sex is probably already pretty deeply ingrained in our beings. I am a little more adventurous than she is, but even then, there are some things I am interested in and some I am not. She is the same way. Sexual freedom in the USA has been around for a long time. The hippies were all about that in the late sixties. Yes, with the internet there is certainly more opportunity to learn about sex, and I think that helps the younger generation to learn to be more free and knowledgeable, but for us older folks? Probably not so much. If anything, it seems to be pushing women into experimenting sexually with other women more. Probably there are a few people who experimented more based on Shades of Gray. But, even in the 80s we had Nine and a Half Weeks, which was the same sort of thing.

I don't DISAGREE with you, but I don't know if it really effects many of the older generation to have these articles. Your wife, with a LD is like my wife with a LD, she is perfectly happy with the amount of sex that she gets. It's we the husbands that are hurting and wanting more. They are perfectly fine. As such, they are not overly likely to get great ideas from a magazine or internet article. 

Twice a week??? Dang, you're on a roll! It happens occasionally here, but is rare. Usually it's once every two weeks or so. One problem for us is we have two daughters, 12 and 14. Their bedrooms are just across the hall, and one adjoins ours. So, they can hear EVERYTHING we do. If I crank up the Hitachi, it sounds like I'm paving the driveway.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> So, you've got a sexually repressed, sexually boring wife who just isn't that into you. You can read all you want, but if she's not interested, nothing will change. You might want to try the usual things suggested on this forum: No More Mr. Nice Guy, and the Married Man Sex Life Primer. Maybe they'll help. Maybe a new wife will help more. Who knows? I tried the latter route, and it worked great!


Well I guess that's my question... 

I don't want a new wife. I'm not asking my wife to act like a porn star in bed. I would like that, but that's unreasonable to ask. 

But, something like Cosmo. Should I feel like a pervert for suggesting an article from that particular magazine? Or is that not really the norm? It really seems to be approaching fantasy for me. That said, I believe life and sex is what you make of it. If your sex is as good as fantasy, then awesome! You're having good sex. 

What is normal? Are these magazines really talking about norms for women? Or are articles just there for guys like me to fantasize over? Are we talking the 99th percentile types? Or the 50th percentile?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There is no normal, @lessthennone. But what you want is in NO way perverted, and if your wife tells you it is, then she is using unloving shaming tactics to control your sexuality to fit her low libido and seeming lack of love for you. What can you make of your life and marriage? A mildly satisfying sex life with the person you love really isn't much to ask - but may be too much to ask from her. Maybe you wont get what you hope for, or even need. How many years and failed attempts will you make? If nothing changes, will you accept what is and be happy, or will you not be happy unless things change. You are responsible for your happiness, and if you can't achieve it under the current circumstance, you MUST do something different to cause real and lasting change. At some point, the only thing left may be to move on. You're not there yet, though.


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> There is no normal, @lessthennone. But what you want is in NO way perverted, and if your wife tells you it is, then she is using unloving shaming tactics to control your sexuality to fit her low libido and seeming lack of love for you. What can you make of your life and marriage? A mildly satisfying sex life with the person you love really isn't much to ask - but may be too much to ask from her. Maybe you wont get what you hope for, or even need. How many years and failed attempts will you make? If nothing changes, will you accept what is and be happy, or will you not be happy unless things change. You are responsible for your happiness, and if you can't achieve it under the current circumstance, you MUST do something different to cause real and lasting change. At some point, the only thing left may be to move on. You're not there yet, though.


It's not so much that she calls me perverted as it is that she just refused to discuss it. Or makes the conversation really uncomfortable. Or brings up all of her other issues. 

We're working on all of that. But as I put more and more effort into making her happy and improving other elements of our relationship, I want to find a way to improve some of the things I want without making her feel uncomfortable. 

Being ale to point to something like Cosmo would be helpful. She kind of implies I'm asking her to act like a porn star. I kind of see a distinction. Like no camera or paycheck among other things.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Cosmos is one of the most ludicrous sources of sex info out there. Right next to porn. 

If you want to inspire your wife, find something that is actually reasonably humane for women. You will have more success.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, it's been my impression from your other posts that you and your wife have a bit of a parent child dynamic. That tends to be bad for a sex life, because nobody wants to have sex with their parent/child.

Do you think there's anything to that?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there is such a wide range in sexual interests and level of desire between different people. Many people don't realize this until they are middle-aged and in committed, and sometimes very unhappy, relationships. 

There are people for whom a happy sex life is missionary sex once a week, and who think doggie position is a wild think to try every once in a while.

There are people who's normal daily sex lives involve choosing among dozens of positions, with handcuffs, feathers, and strap-ons thrown in for a bit of extra excitement several times a month. 

There are people for whom oral sex is disgusting, and anal unthinkable. There are others who consider oral to be a normal part of almost any lovemaking session, and anal a fun variant that they do regularly. 

Some people are disgusted / offended by porn. Others enjoy a wide variety and may even make their own.


All these are OK, but it can be really miserable when two people with very different sexual interests end up married to each other.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Forget Cosmo or other reading material.

You need to connect with her and get her interested in the chase.

Women who hunt are empowered women and empowered women are quite dynamic in the sexual arena.

Do you have hobbies or anything you're good at?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, it's been my impression from your other posts that you and your wife have a bit of a parent child dynamic. That tends to be bad for a sex life, because nobody wants to have sex with their parent/child.
> 
> Do you think there's anything to that?


I had to Google parent child dynamic. I'm not sure. 

I have made her go to therapy. I thought I was going to be there too. Now were at another therapist for both of us. 

I don't know how to determine if this is going on in our relationship. 

I do want to make our relationship better. I want her to get healthier. I want her to not always make snarky comments. I want her to be able to calm down when she's stressed out. To be calmer in front of our kids. To not make me feel bad for going to work. Or having to work to cover for someone. 

She thinks I'm trying to change her and not giving anything in return. I feel like I've been giving my all, and she doesn't see any of it. 

I honestly have no idea how to do any of this. Therapy is my only hope. Despite that, I feel like I'm typically a problem solver. This is a problem I can't solve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Forget Cosmo or other reading material.
> 
> You need to connect with her and get her interested in the chase.
> 
> ...


In regards to Cosmo, no I'm not a subscriber. It just tends to come up when I google anything sex. Part of the point of this post was to hear that it was a rag. It's not a good place to get a womans perspective. Nor is mens health. 

I understand that intimacy and sex are two different things. We're working on intimacy minus sex. I'm trying to connect with her. I though this was a good week. 

I'm trying everything. Once, I'd like to walk out the door and have her whisper something sexy in my ear. Or text me something sexy. Or do something spontaneous. Kiss a part of my body that's not my lips and I don't mean my privates. Give me a massage. Get on top.

Here's where Insay too much... Last summer, my wife was giving me oral. A kind of rare thing. She did something that surprised me and said "I don't think I've done that before." I'm not sure what she did. Maybe it involved her hand or her mouth. We'll rather then just moving along, i said that feels really good. It didnmt feel any different, but she acted a litte excited about it. So I acted excited about it. I asked her what she did. She said I'd have to wait to find out. Keeping me in wait, that's exciting. Unfortunately, that was the last time I got oral from her. And it's gone downhill since then. 

If I want to spice up our sex life, how do I do it.

I have a hobby. She kind of resents it. I've spent considerably less time with it because she suggested I spend too much time with it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

intheory said:


> It's interesting, charming, and a bit odd that a middle-aged man reads _Cosmopolitan_; really? OP, it's a rag, don't bother with it.
> 
> But you also mention, _Psychology Today_, _Redbook_ and _Men's Health_.
> 
> ...


Yes. I can see how that makes her feel uncomfortable. I did send her the mojoupgrade link. I've never brought up any articles from Cosmo specifically. I've read them. I can't tell if they turn me on or make me depressed. I'm leaning towards depressed. I don't think she would respknd well if I brought them up. She didn't respond well to the mojoupgrade thing. 

But I'm also working on intimacy. In fact, snuggling and kissing, but not having sex is why we were in a slump. We used to have sex twice a week. Now it's way less. i think it's because I'm more willing to be intimate without sex being the result. I think of that as something I'm doing for her. It's something she asked for specifically. Intimacy without sex. 

I just don't know how to make it better. Now, I just feel like a pervert for wanting my wife. 

At the therapist last week, he asked why we married each other. What a great question. She answered and I answered. She was upset that the first thing I brought up was her looks. Honestly, I listed a bunch of things I love about her. I didn't pay attention to the order of my reasons. 

I'm very attracted to my wife. But I know we're not getting any modeling contracts. I thought she would want to hear that. That I find her attractive, not about modeling contracts. I guess it was a mistake. 

I just have no way to approach the subject. I can talk about intimacy in front of a therapist. Sex... We'll that's hard enough to discus on an anonymous internet forum. With her, it's impossible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lessthennone (Jun 19, 2014)

My wife visited her therapist this morning. When we were in out couples therapy session, she mentioned to the therapist that she was sexually abused at a very young age. She had told me before and I suspected it was part of our issue, but my wife never really gave me the opportunity to talk about it with her. She would get mad, and I l'd have no idea what to say. So I avoided it. She would bring it up during arguments, but only recently suggested that she though it could be a major cause of her issues.

We'll the therapist gave us a new keyword to Google. 

Sexual anorexia. 

Wow. The symptoms really seem to fit. Not only hers, but the way it makes me feel. Like I repulse her. She avoids me any time we're alone. The more intimate we are, the less likely we are to have sex. Date night never results in sex. She'll start an argument so sex immediately gets ruled out. 

I'm happy to be figuring some stuff out, but I'm feeling that the solution to this is even more difficult then trying to improve our intimacy.. Still, at least it gives me something to be optimistic about. I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

lessthennone said:


> There has been a sexual revolution. There seems to be a massive sea change in the awareness that intimacy and sex are important in a relationship. Where sex used to be more of a taboo a few years back, now every popular magazine and website has something to say on the subject. Magazines like Cosmo, Men's Health, Redbook along with websites like HuffPo, and the many others are much more open about topics of sexuality. Even advice on forums like this.
> 
> Google "spice up your sex life" and you'll get hundreds of hits. Some will focus on intimacy, some sex.
> 
> ...


Step 1: Pick out and buy her a hellaciously sexy dress (that makes you absolutely want to strip it off of her! And even makes the men around her WISH that you'd strip it off of her.) and take her out! 

Women understand that if the clothing dazzles, then so will her body. This will change her psychological perspective and create sexual anxiety throughout your date night. The clothes adorn the body to create that goddess effect. It produces the effect of being beyond everyone's reach. Pick something that is revealing, but disclosure must be selective. Revealing only a part of the body, but a part that will excite and stir imagination. 

Buy her the dress AND the heels! That is the beginning.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lessthennone said:


> I had to Google parent child dynamic. I'm not sure.
> 
> I have made her go to therapy. I thought I was going to be there too. Now were at another therapist for both of us.
> 
> ...


Well this combined with your information that she had sexual abuse and your past posts makes sense to me. By parent child dynamic I mean that in many ways you've assumed the role of her father; think about it: she demands expensive stuff and you're in the position of being dad and saying no. She sees that you spend money on yourself, but she get doesn't as much spent on her.

She's not involved in the finances so she can't understand why things are the way they are, so you just become the mean daddy figure that won't get her stuff. She hates being at home and probably thinks you control everything and she has no real freedom.

She isn't a full partner, doesn't act like an adult, and isn't treated like an adult. You get categorized with all the other authority figures that either victimized her or didn't protect her.

I'm not implying this is all your fault, sometimes things just work out like this.....particularly when one partner is very bad with money.

Now maybe you can understand why I say that nobody wants to get freaky in bed with what they perceive to be a mean daddy figure.

You also mentioned that she is very depressed and somewhat isolated.....probably not helping her sex drive. And she wants you to take your daughter to work so she can go to yoga.

Many men see sex problems as issues unto themselves but they often aren't. In this case there are underlying issues.

I think your wife needs to go back to work.....your kids will manage in daycare. Your wife can't handle this life at home with kids. Many here will just name call and deem her a spoiled brat.....but I think the issue is much deeper as it often is. She is unhappy with her life as it is, and all these little things are her attempts to give herself some happiness. I know because I've been there to some degree. 

Sit her down and tell her she's a wonderful mother but you can't help but notice she doesn't seem happy, and maybe she'd be happier back at work. Assure her that the kids will not only be fine at daycare with other kids but they'll be better off with a happier mom.


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