# What Am I To Do?-Living With a Man on Disability and Depression



## PianoWoman (May 11, 2011)

I have been married to my husband for 26 years. I have known him for 31 years. The last three years have been very stressful because he is on disability. I have been his advocate before he went on disability.

I never thought I would be writing on a forum like this. He has depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, sleep apnea, and type 2 diabetes. Three years ago, while he was working, he was suffering bullying from his boss. In hindsight, he was suffering from clinical depression and anxiety. This made him very sick. He had to quit work because his blood pressure was way too high to back under doctor’s orders. We went through short-term and long-term disability with the company he worked at and exhausted all of his medical leave of absence. He has since been terminated from work. In 2 ½ years, he will be eligible for early retirement. He is on social security disability and money is tight. We were able to get a HAMP loan modification for our home to keep from losing our house through foreclosure. 

I’m still trying to get used to him being at home. The last few months, we are struggling for the first time in our marriage. My husband feels that he is the odd-man out. We have one son. I’m self-employed and work from home. I was able to work from home while being his advocate for his disability. He wants to separate and then does not want to separate. I say things that make him extremely agitated and mad at me for no reason. I do not mean to. He says I hardly talk to him. If I talk to him, I get him mad at me.

Today, he told me for the first time, that he does not love me. It really hurt being rejected like this. I told him that I still love him and need him and want him. He says I am in control of everything and leave him out of the major decisions like finances. I tell him all the time when I’m getting fatigued with the endless bills. 

A couple of months ago, we had a long discussion on working on our marriage. I have been working on marriage. Today was the second time we have talked about separation. I told him today, if you want to separate, I would work with him. Now he says, I’m not trying to keep our marriage together. Later, I asked him, should we go through marriage counseling? He did not want to talk about it. Since our finances are really tight, I do not think we can afford separation and he is not working. I would like to go through counseling to save our marriage first before going through any separation and divorce. 

I have been trying to communicate to him as best way possible to him. He thinks I’m hiding things away from him. I’m frustrated, confused, and do not know what to do. What am I to do?
:scratchhead:


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## sdpate (May 12, 2011)

Your situation is difficult, especially when the person with the disability doesn't seem to want to cooperate.

Post marriage disability is very stressful on a marriage and while not the only reason for marriage breakdown it can be a catalyst. One US study in the 1990s reported the failure rate of post-marriage disability relationships was 70%. 

While this may be difficult, he needs effective treatment for his disabilities, especially the depression. Someone who is not thinking clearly can thwart your best intentions. Second guessing someone who is depressed takes an enormous amount of intellectual and emotional energy.

Joint marriage counseling may help but the success rate isn't that great when both partners are mentally healthy.

In my case I was the person with a physical disability and my ex-wife was the adult child of an alcoholic going through a deep depression after the children left home. The marriage counselors wouldn't consider joint counseling until her depression improved. We parted within a year and divorced, both at her insistence. 

The ironic thing is that she seems to have improved her life and recently graduated from university at age 62. She is talking about world travel. 

While I thought her departure would be catastrophic, it opened new doors for me to a very creative and interesting decade.


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## PianoWoman (May 11, 2011)

An update: Since I last posted, I thought we were working things out. I was trying better to communicate with him. I say something wrong and he goes off the deep end. The other day, he was literally set off. He thinks I'm a control freak. Now he is sleeping in the guest bedroom. He does not want to talk to me. I tried getting an apology from him and he refused. I have been getting migraines and losing weight because of him. Our finances are really tight now. We cannot afford a divorce because he is on disability and my piano studio hardly makes any money. I have come to realize he is making me sick all the time. Last night I had a migraine in the middle of the morning. I cannot sleep either. The last few weeks, I have been really stressed due to the finances. When he gets really angry, he just rages and calls me names. I'm quitting stuff so I can take care of myself. I went to the doctor a few weeks ago thinking I had problems with my thyroid, and come to find out, it has been him making me sick. I think I"m getting depressed myself because I do not enjoy things anymore. I'm about to give up. I have lost my appetite and don't feel like eating. I have been crying lately to myself. I don't want to be around people either. I'm hoping he would realize what he is doing to me and my son. My son does not want to get involved and make it more complicated. Maybe we should consider marriage counseling? I have asked him again in the past, he has refused. I do not know what to do. Help.


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## Well_Spouse (Feb 2, 2011)

First thing give yourself a Hug. 

Recognize that you are not the source of your Husbands bitterness/anger. And that his outbursts/depression are his problem(s) as well. 

I have found that mentally thinking of the wife as a patient instead of spouse. Particularly when times are difficult, has helped ease the pain. Allowed me to focus on the illness causing the problems. 

Don't forget you can't help him if you don't take care of yourself first. It may seem strange at first but you need to take time out to keep your own sanity. You may need to get away from him for several hours each week. Good time to take up a new hobby or volunteer work, part time job. YMMV


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