# What's holding me back?



## NextStep (Feb 4, 2011)

My story is so similar to many others here. I've been married for 17+ years - 3 kids ages 12-15. I've been seriously considering divorce for the past 3 years. Although I would probably have to say that I haven't really enjoyed being married for at least the past 10 years. When I think back to the beginning, I don't think that I can say that i've ever been madly in love with my husband. We've never had an especially romantic relationship. And there were a lot of disagreements between us even in the early days. We've never really communicated well either - both of our faults. I'm not sure where to begin with the reasons why I'm so miserable. I think that so much of it boils down to huge differences in our basic personalities. I'm very independent (almost to a fault) and he is extremely dependent. I'm very private and he loves to be in everybody's business, as well as share our business with everybody else. I'm a 'give the facts only' person; he loves to embellish and exaggerate everything, to get the maximum reaction from people.

After our second child was born, I stopped working. He had a decent job which allowed me to stay at home. However, 7 years ago, he got laid off from that job (as did many of his friends and co-workers). Unlike his friends and co-workers, he did very little to find a new job. He was waiting for someone to come to him and hand him a job. Meanwhile, our savings were being depleted. His answer (as well as that of his whole family) was for me to go back to work (now with 3 small children). Luckily, I was able to return to the job I had left 6 years earlier. I've been working full time ever since. I am the primary breadwinner. He has had a variety of jobs during that time, but none anywhere near the caliber of position he had before being laid off. He's nearly 50, with a college education, and doing entry level positions. And he's OK with that - allowing me to assume the burden of the majority of the finances, as well as nearly all of the responsibliity for the kids. All of that was definitely the eye-opener for me - to fully realize that he was indeed lazy, irresponsible, and self-centered.

His self-esteem is so low (and always has been). I never realized it in the beginning - or perhaps thought I could somehow make it all better. He comes from an extremely overbearing family, where all decisions were made for him. He now has very little ability to make any decision. He can't even go to the grocery store, with a list, without calling several times to ask questions. And he needs CONSTANT reassurance about everything. Perhaps I'm just cold-hearted, but please, he's an adult - get over it and act like a husband and a father - not like another one of my children. He always says that he'll help with anything, that I just need to tell him what to do. And I say "shouldn't you already know what needs to be done and how to do it?"

One more thing that I just can't deal with is his need to know everybody's business. He spends hours and hours on the internet 'stalking' people he knows or used to know, looking for any kind of information about them that he can find. I don't understand this. But it seems to make him happy to be able to spout off facts about people, to be the one with the best gossip, etc. He's very critical of everyone, including our kids. He has always been borderline verbally abusive to them. Now that they are older, they realize it and I can see how much harm it has done to them over the years. I used to try to smooth things over between him and the kids, but now that they're old enough to speak up for themselves, I let them speak their minds. This usually sends him into a 'pity party' for himself - that nobody likes him, etc... I've tried explaining to him privately that he has created this relationship with them and that only he can fix it. He'll try for a few days, by being overindulgent and artificially nice to them, but they see right through it and before long, he's back to his 'normal' self again.

So my current dilemma is when to make this move. I've been telling him for several years that this is my desire. He keeps thinking that things will get better, although he has recently agreed that splitting may be better than living like this. I have no desire at this point to try to make things better. I just can't imagine being alone with him when the kids are off to college. I can't even stand being alone with him for a few hours if all the kids are out with friends. He went to individual counseling several years ago but stopped after about 6 months. I want to buy out his half of the house so that the kids do not have to be disrupted. I'm not sure I can afford that right now. That is my next step - to see an attorney and find out exactly what I can and can't afford. But for some reason, I keep dragging my feet with that. I don't know what's holding me back.

So that's my story at this point. Thanks for reading this far and I look forward to any words of advice. I'm so glad to have found this forum. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this, so it's comforting to know that there are others out there going through similar situations.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

NextStep - our stories are somewhat similar, though genders are different and some of the particulars. But in general, I've been in similar shoes recently. I found that actually getting to the point of saying "I want a divorce" was the hardest thing I've ever done (other than quitting smoking  . It would have been easier to get to that point, I think, if I had been cheating, or she had been, or there was some sort of abuse. But absent all of those terrible situations, putting an end to a long marriage, even it is unhealthy, is not to be taken lightly.

The things that helped me develop the courage to finally initiate a divorce were pretty straightforward...

1. Get clarity that this is what is best for you and for your children. Whenever you find yourself feeling overwhelmed, come back to the basic question - what is best for my child?

2. Think about what is in your children's interest. They should come first and foremost. I know many of us stay in unhappy marriages for our children's sake. In my case I started to realize that as my child entered pre-teen/teen years he started noticing more about how poorly his mother and I related, our lack of affection etc. It became clear to me that the scale tipped ... Children learn by our examples, and it was actually harming him to see such a poor example of marriage, of partnership, of intimacy. 

3. Consider whether you are an enabler - are your actions enabling your husband's poor behavior, poor decisions, etc.? In which case a split may be in his best interest as well. But that's not really the critical factor here - focus on your needs and your childrens'. But I found it helpful to understand that by ending the marriage, I will no longer enable my ex to continue to be lazy, negative etc. She may continue to be so, but I won't be there making it worse. (interestingly she told me that she thinks she'll start taking better care of herself after we are divorced, so perhaps I had this one right). Knowing that a split is better for her helped me to overcome my rescuer/enabler tendencies that kept holding me in an unhealthy marriage.

4. Before you even mention it to your ex, learn what you can about the divorce process and laws in your state. An initial consultation with a few different attorneys is a cost effective way to learn, and to also get a feel for different attorneys. Also - please don't assume you need attorneys to lead you through this process or handle your negotiation. That's an expensive route to take and can lead to a lot of friction and high expense. Take time to also learn about mediation, or even just one-on-one negotiation techniques ("Getting To Yes" is a classic book on negotiation).

5. Start developing a view of what the finances could look like after a fair split. (and frankly I don't think an attorney is necessarily the best person to provide financial advice - there are CPAs who specialize in divorce who could provide better advice on the financial aspects).

6. Consider what kind of parenting arrangement is in the best interests of your children (and remember children need their fathers! Please don't try to cut him out of the picture, even if he isn't the ideal father in your eyes. Your children are old enough that they will decide for themselves. You must do nothing to alienate them from their father - but nor should you defend him. The relationship he builds with them is up to him and the kids). 

I think the default assumption in divorce should in general be joint custody with 50/50 parenting time, and only adjust that one way or the other depending on the best interests of children. More and more courts see it this way.

That's a lot of homework, but in my experience the more you go down this path, the stronger will be your vision of the future, the better prepared you will be for the divorce process, and the more likely you will feel strong enough to finally do what needs to be done. 

Worked for me.


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

MAdadof1 gave a lot to think about, not just for you but for me.

I'm also in a very similar situation as you, and I'm really stuck with the realization that I want out, but I'm also hesitant about the overall emotional stress its going to cause on everyone involved. I feel selfish for being willing to case that on my family. But like MAdadof1 pointed out, I've been pretty much following his advice, taking my time.


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## NextStep (Feb 4, 2011)

MAdad - thank you so much for your response, so nicely put together. As I read through each of your points, I realize that I have been giving each of these things considerable consideration over the past year or so, but not in much of a structured manner. Which is leading to my overwhelming feelings, I think. Absolutely, my kids are my number one concern and every decision I make (or try to make) revolves around them. I know that they are definitely aware of the poor relationship between H and I. While we don't often argue or fight in front of them, we also don't really communicate at all. And there is no affection or intimacy between us - period. I don't want them to think that this is normal behaviour for a married couple, as I don't want them to repeat this life when they are grown and married. 

To your point of not alienating the kids from their dad, that is something I do not do. I encourage him often to do stuff with the kids on his own. Of course, that would require some planning and effort, neither of which he is interested in doing. He has always been 'awkward' with the kids, even from the time they were newborns. Because his natural reaction to everthing/everyone is negative, it is a struggle for him to enjoy spending time with the kids - because they don't act exactly the way he thinks they should. And they definitely feel that. Whenever I make plans and tell the kids about what we're doing, they ask 'does daddy have to come'? He's like a wet blanket on everything we do. The entire atmosphere changes when he walks in the room. I think (hope) that maybe his relationship with them would improve if we were apart. Maybe he would find more joy in being a father if he didn't have to do it everyday.

As for the legal process and finances, I have been doing a bit of research here and there. I really need to buckle down and get specifics on the finances and how things would look after the divorce. I know that I will not receive any alimony, as husband's salary is significantly lower than mine. And I imagine that child support will be sparse. My main concern is that I can continue to give the kids the life that they are accustomed to, including staying in the house that we are in now. These teenage years are hard enough for them without being uprooted. They are great, well-adjusted kids right now. I don't want to do anything to change that. 

So again, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience. I do have a lot to think about and a lot of homework to do. I'll post updates


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

NextStep, it sounds like you're on the right track to me. A few more suggestions: start capturing your goals and alternatives in written form, so you see forward progress and don't keep revisiting the same topic over and over. 

For me it helped to organize - and order - my thinking in these buckets:

1. 'Custody' (decision making) of the children.
2. Parenting time
3. Property split
4. Spousal support / alimony
5. Child support

Getting clarity on what you think is best for your kids on #1 and #2 helps prevent financial issues from clouding the picture (for example, parents with the most parenting time tend to get a higher amount of child support payments. Some people can - and do - use the financial benefit as a motivator to demand more parenting time! Don't be one of those people).

For each of these areas, I wrote down what I thought was best for the kids, what I really wanted, and what I thought my ex would want... often three different sets of wants/needs. Wherever I expected disagreements, I thought of alternatives (and wrote those down). And I also highlighted items which were really important to me (joint custody and shared parenting time), and which weren't (who gets the furniture).

Thinking through the needs/wants/alternatives really helped me mentally prepare. Once I had pretty much exhausted the five topics above, there was nothing more to do other than have The Talk. 

When it really came time to go through the conversations with my ex, I didn't need most of the things I had obsessed over and developed alternatives for. But all of the preparation really did pay off - mostly in helping me stay focused on what was important, and in rapidly thinking of alternatives that would meet her needs as well as mine.

Good luck! Keep us posted.

p.s. bummer about the relationship your husband has with the kids. hopefully you are right about a split actually encouraging him to become a better dad. maybe you can even plant that thought in his head. I think that will be the case for my soon-to-be-ex and me as well - it is hard to be the best parent you can be if you are miserable in your marriage.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

your story is very similar to mine except my kids are younger. Ages 7 & 5. I am the sole breadwinner now. My dh stays home with the kids but actually wants to go back to work. So that's a difference. Or he says he does but sometimes I think he feels as long as he's not working it gives me more reason to stay. I don't want my kids to have to change homes or schools and have even considered letting him stay in the house and just getting another place for myself close by if he can afford it. I'm not sure we ever know the right moment to take the next step even when we have been unhappy for years. I think it's just being able to let go of the comforts of material things and knowing that your kids will be okay. 
I have always said I would not stay for the kids if I was miserable but having kids involved definitely changes your perspective on things.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Those of us with extremely dependent spouses might need our own forum, I swear. I haven't heard others talk about their spouses in this way--til now. Mine is so like this. I wrote separately, but since there are others in this same difficult position, I will just say, be aware that you will have a lot less control over your kids' lives and the dependent spouse may well NOT step up to do the right thing. Think through that situation to the best of your ability; it is a sobering reality. 

I'll be interested to see if others have stories about getting through this. I'm at a low point right now in my story and praying it all works out. I'm angry at my ex for his behavior, but at the same time I realize it might be some form of mental illness--one that I cannot name. It is certainly manipulative, intentionally or not. 

Other than this difficult situation, I don't regret leaving and I certainly could not have foreseen this behavior on his part.


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## NextStep (Feb 4, 2011)

sisters359 - I agree! Seems that there are quite a few of us in the same boat. A spouse who is extremely dependent, making our marriages miserable, and yet we all seem to feel badly about 'abandoning' them. Even though they have, in a sense, abandoned their responsibilities as a partner and a parent long ago. It's a tough spot to be in. But at the end of the day, I always (well almost) am glad that I'm the stronger partner/parent. It's much more stressful, but I know that if the tables were turned and H suddenly decided to walk out, I would be able to handle it. I just wish I could be strong enough to say 'it's over' and move on, sooner rather than later.

(PS - I did reply to your email, but not sure I ever hit the 'submit' button. Did you receive it?)


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## Beany (Feb 10, 2011)

Hello - the posts on this subject in here look familiar in feeling, some of them.. 

.. the "what is holding me back" thread title sure jumped out at me. I'm brand new here. 

It's the kid at the moment, but that will change in a few months. The last one of three, two grown and out and one 17, the only girl. 

We've talked. I made it a policy long ago to do my best to take any mystery out of what's going on between my daughter's mother and me by just answering questions directly, or by just admitting that I don't know the answer to something she's asking. 

I want her to always be able to know that I'm here for her, even after she moves out (she's headed to college later this year).. we're close.

But then there is the marriage. Two people who should have never gotten together, let alone had a baby (the two boys are her's from her former marriage, and were the reason I stayed with her the first 12 years: to give them a dad).

I've dreamed for years on end of this year; the year I get to leave.. I thought it would never come. But here it is, and here I am still alive and healthy and old. 

But there's something wrong. Something is interrupting my process of getting ready to finally leave. I can't put my finger on it. I'm having an awful time.. that's why I'm posting this. 

Any input is appreciated, especially from a person who has gone through something similar.

Thank you. And thank you for this great forum site.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Sorry to briefly hijack the thread...

Beany, you're where I think I'll be in about 15 years maybe. That'll be when my youngest is 18. Maybe I'll wait a little longer since the first year of college can be an overwhelming change for kids.

Looking back, do you think you made the right decision to wait? Do you think it was the best for your kids? My marriage is a low conflict / loveless one. We act like brother and sister mostly, which she's fine with but it tears me up obviously. But my wife hasn't really changed much since marriage almost 9 years ago. She never initiated even so much as a kiss, but she did used to reciprocate better than she does now. And since the kids came along, she's just a big ball of frustration, stress, and tiredness. I think it's starting to help though that the 6 year old is now in Kindergarten all day.


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## Beany (Feb 10, 2011)

HoopsFan said:


> Looking back, do you think you made the right decision to wait? Do you think it was the best for your kids?


Hello HoopsFan.

Yes, it was the best for all three, and they've said so, each one of them so grateful to have "dad and mom" over the years of school stuff, clubs and activities and holidays, etc.

I was committed to never let happen to any children I was responsible for what had happened to me and my brother: broken home in the true sense. 

Those early days, back when I knew I had to leave once I was finished raising my baby and her two boys, I lived on fantasies, ongoing daydreams of what and when and how. 

Counselling was a strange mix of misunderstandings and overt sexism on the part of the therapists, who seemed to feel that if the genders were reversed I'd have a right to think about leaving, but not as a man because "men just don't get it." Blah. Waste of money and time except to say that I found out what it was about.

So, I sorted things myself, rooted my life around the kids.. and waited.

Some advocate splitting up being better than staying in what is a "broken home/marriage," but I don't unless there is true ongoing abuse to the kids. And of course then the discussion turns to definitions of "abuse," etc. Your mileage may vary. 

I feel wonderful that my kids have turned out so well and so happy. They are successful in their endeavors and they thank me. Mom is seen differently by each kid, of course, but "loveless/cold" is the prevailing commonality.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Thanks for that - something to think about. Ok, back to the thread. My apologies again.


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## NextStep (Feb 4, 2011)

Beany - thank you for adding your story to this thread. When I first started to realize that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, my thoughts were that i would stay with the marriage until the youngest child was in college. For me, that is now 6 1/2 years away. I was OK with that thought for several years, and really didn't even share the thought with my husband. Like you, I just thought about how great it would be when I would finally have my freedom. Husband and I had been slowly, but surely disconnecting more and more from each other. I was totally disengaged, having no respect or attraction for him at all. He was constantly trying to act like nothing was wrong. It was unbearable.

Fast forward about 3 years into this thought process. I had thought that I had totally lost my sex drive because I had absolutely no feeling for him at all. A brief affair opened my eyes that that was not the case. My total lack of respect for him had everything to do with my lack of physical attraction for him (and still does to this day). However, it also made me start thinking about how much I was giving up by staying in this marriage. I'm in my mid-40's and have never had the loving, passionate relationship that every woman (and man) desires. I have no desire to have it with husband.

So now, several years later, I'm so conflicted about what to do. I still believe that it is probably best to keep the family intact until the kids are out of high school, for many of the same reasons that Beany states. But I can't help the selfish feeling that I could be so much happier. By the way, husband found out about the affair. He threw some tantrums, did a lot of threatening, but in the end basically did nothing about it. I have since told him that I don't want to be married, but that I'm conflicted about actually divorcing because of the kids. He admits that at this point, he does not want to spend the next 6 1/2 years living like this either. Every now and then he threatens to leave, but never does. 

So this post basically went nowhere!!! But I'm glad to hear other's stories about the decisions they've made and why they've made them. I'm hoping someday to be able to make a decision that I'm comfortable with and follow through with it.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

NextStep said:


> Fast forward about 3 years into this thought process. I had thought that I had totally lost my sex drive because I had absolutely no feeling for him at all. A brief affair opened my eyes that that was not the case. [...] it also made me start thinking about how much I was giving up by staying in this marriage. I'm in my mid-40's and have never had the loving, passionate relationship that every woman (and man) desires.


Ditto here, except I stopped short of an affair. I considered it, but didn't want to end it that way.

How do you think your children will fare? Are they starting to notice that you two aren't physical/intimate (I mean in a playful loving way of course) as they see in their friends' parents or on TV? Is your miserableness impacting your parenting? (e.g. losing patience). 

Once my son starting picking up on the tension and learning the wrong life lessons, I could no longer hide from the fact that staying in the marriage for his sake no longer made sense - in fact I needed to get OUT of the marriage for his sake.


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## NextStep (Feb 4, 2011)

MAdadof1 - my daughters (I have 2 girls, 1 boy) noticed several years ago when I stopped wearing my wedding ring. They both asked if that meant we were getting divorced and I just gave a simple answer of "No". It was right around the same time that my sister-in-law (husband's sister) was going through a divorce, so they were more tuned into the idea. 

I don't think that my parenting is affected by this. The kids are and always have been my main focus. That hasn't changed. Yes, sometimes my patience is not what it used to be, but I think that is due more to the fact that I am now dealing with teens/pre-teens and not with younger children. I do not treat them any differently, regardless of what the status is between husband and I. He, on the other hand, has a tendency to take things out on the kids when he's mad at me. I've brought this to his attention repeatedly, but have not seen any improvement (by the way, this has always been his style - not just the past few years).


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## Beany (Feb 10, 2011)

Hi NextStep - your story is so familiar sounding. 

The genders are reversed, but the story is quite similar. The sex part is very familiar, but not the central issue, however.

No affairs here, but soooo much temptation; great friends who know my wife, and have for years on end, even her younger sister, making themselves available and hearing me say "no, not now.. kids to raise," etc.

Peace comes to me now as the time draws near to leave this person, but not because I'll be "free," but because I made it, I think I did the right thing.. I didn't run out on my family, I kept things on an even keel in the house.

I'm not a martyr, far from it, I've made mistakes (not infidelity, never gave in to that) having to do with how I presented my kid's the problems. I think back and wish I would have just let the chips fall where they may instead of trying to orchestrate how they saw things. That is not right; I feel badly about that.

How about you? How are you talking to the kids about it all, if at all?


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## ac0313 (Feb 12, 2011)

NextStep, your story is similar to mine as well with genders reversed. Why is it that we think we need to stay in our marriages for our kids? Is that truly the best for them and for us? I do not expect an answer to this question since I believe each of our situations is different enough that one size (answer) does not fit all. I am starting counseling sessions next week, have you tried this? I do not have any basis for comments yet, but the couple's counseling seemed to help us 4 yrs ago, but now, obviously, it was not a permanent fix.

Other threads have mentioned that each of us should have the right to happiness and love in our relationship. When either of those goes away, what do we do then. Do we just grin and bear it...for the next 6.5 yrs (2.5yrs in my case), or do we finally say "enough, I deserve to be happy and this is not working!"

In all, frustration levels, feelings of inadequacies, loneliness, and many other negative feelings increase when we go against our basic need for love and happiness. These should be our warning signs - if we do not act upon them, we will be broken, some more than others, but that brokeness will not go away on its own. It will however, fester and increase, making us bitter and eventual hate our lives. That is not the way we should feel...we need to act on the symptoms now.

That ramble gave me some hope that I will find my answers starting next week. Hope others are able to do the same!


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## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

Question for all of you as I am in pretty much the same situation...how do you accept and live through years and years more of unhappiness? I am on year 12 and have had thoughts of leaving seriously for about 8. However now that aging is kicking in it seems so difficult. I even went on an antidepressant to cope. My youngest has at least 12 more years until college. I get very bitter at the thought of missing out on passion and love in my youth ( in early 30's now). Divorcing at 45 seems pointless other than to not be with the spouse and just be alone. No offense to those of you in that age range and older but really who wants to be dating at that age? Of course it also seems totally selfish to leave just to take a chance at finding something better, hense why I am still here. I also hate to admit it makes an affair seem very tempting to have it both ways. Of course I know it is not what it seems and would end in disaster so I haven't had one despite opportunity to do so.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

bluebird20 said:


> Divorcing at 45 seems pointless other than to not be with the spouse and just be alone. No offense to those of you in that age range and older but really who wants to be dating at that age?


I do :smthumbup:

Get over your ageism. You'll get to 45 soon enough, and if you're lucky, you'll still feel like a teenager.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

NextStep said:


> Beany - thank you for adding your story to this thread. When I first started to realize that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with my husband, my thoughts were that i would stay with the marriage until the youngest child was in college. For me, that is now 6 1/2 years away. I was OK with that thought for several years, and really didn't even share the thought with my husband. Like you, I just thought about how great it would be when I would finally have my freedom. Husband and I had been slowly, but surely disconnecting more and more from each other. I was totally disengaged, having no respect or attraction for him at all. He was constantly trying to act like nothing was wrong. It was unbearable.
> 
> Fast forward about 3 years into this thought process. I had thought that I had totally lost my sex drive because I had absolutely no feeling for him at all. A brief affair opened my eyes that that was not the case. My total lack of respect for him had everything to do with my lack of physical attraction for him (and still does to this day). However, it also made me start thinking about how much I was giving up by staying in this marriage. I'm in my mid-40's and have never had the loving, passionate relationship that every woman (and man) desires. I have no desire to have it with husband.
> 
> ...


well I think you should try having one more affair & may be that will make your H do the leaving , without you having to make a decison .

Enjjoy


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> well I think you should try having one more affair & may be that will make your H do the leaving , without you having to make a decison .


I hope that was in jest, b/c it can create a boat-load of new issues! But, hey, it is funny 

NextStep, I really appreciate the way you put it, that they abandoned their responsibilities for partnering and parenting a long time ago. It reminded me of something important I had forgotten, too: I didn't leave before b/c I could not leave my eldest alone with his dad, not even 50% of the time. His dad had no skills for dealing with him and refused to develop any (why should he, when I was around to take over?)

My kids love their dad, but his neediness has always been very evident. They have said things, even long before I decided to leave. The eldest has formed his own opinion of his father and I stay out of it. I speak of their father with respect and affection--more so than I probably always did when married (I tried, but irritation took over sometimes. I'm human, not perfect!) Right now (see my "Dependency/neediness" thread), they know that he is not well and "is getting help" to feel better. 

One thing we have both been good about is not criticizing or blaming each other or otherwise "splitting" the kids and feeling like they need to choose sides. I think that makes such a huge difference. It hasn't all been easy, but we talk through tough stuff. All the external indicators-grades, friends, etc.--remain good. Keeping open the lines of communication seems to be really important to them, and they make use of those lines as needed.


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## MarriageFog1 (Jun 5, 2013)

My story, as most that have posted, is somewhat similar. I am married 32 years this year to a man I met when I was 17. I have kids in their 20's now and we have become a dysfunctional family because of certain situations in our lives. I filed for a divorce 12 years ago and in the midst of our divorce, my husband suffered a heart attack. I put all the proceedings to a halt and thought it through that it would be best for my kids, him and I if we just tried to work it out again. Well what a mistake it was!!!

My husband is very much into himself to the point where he always came first. He is narcissistic. All of my married life, I have done everything he has wanted (as I was raised old fashioned). He has always had his way. I created this situation for myself by allowing it all to happen. 

The point I want to state is to do what is best for your children. I regret my decision to cancel the divorce as I could have saved my children. Both my adult children have relationship issues and very low self esteem after experiencing a household of "no communication". Our unpredictable time schedules just added to more confusion for the kids. There was NO structure. He was in his own world and I was in my own too - of course, my world always included my children.

I am struggling today with issues with my adult kids and it is the hardest thing to see as a mother. I blame myself but I am over it as I have to move on to help my kids now. I had a great job, but was laid off and have been unable to find anything and I am stuck. So if you can put money aside for yourself and prepare yourself for that rainy day if it should happen, then do so. 

All of your posts have been very helpful and I wish luck to all of you and hopefully happiness is right around the corner for us all. Thank you.


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