# No doubt you want to stay with your spouse



## howtofigureitout (Feb 9, 2012)

Just wanted to get your folks opinion. Wife and I are currently separated, we have been since the fall of last year. Not really any communication between the two of us that is not initiated by me, and really the communication is not progressing between the two of us in fact it is getting worse.

Do you guys that are currently separated have doubts that creep into your mind, that maybe you and wife should not be together. Or that maybe even if you want to change, you won't be able to actually stick with it? Or do you just know that you want to be with your wife?


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

As far as I can gather, most separations end in divorce anyway.....so you need to know what you are up against. 

I am separated pending divorce. Rather bizarrely, communication is actually good between stbx and me (I'm the "dumpee" - but I don't call her at all unless its about our daughter - she calls me sometimes though and I am happy enough to chat about anything with her when she does), but I don't see any change of heart on her side. I'm resolved that if she doesn't want to be married, neither do I and I am really really focused on doing things I enjoy doing.

I would say if you are not communicating at all there is next to no chance you'll get back together. In your situation, if you are the one initiating the communication.....then try stopping it altogether and see how that goes.....it might give her a shock (or it may not, just try and see).


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I read only 10% of seperations return to marriage. I am 4 months into it and we are trying. She is coming by on the weekends and we both love each other, but the reality I have to keep reminding myself is that we may likely end up divorced. 

I never wanted to divorce her, but there is alot of damage with everyone we know, now knowing of our issues.

Her efforts to try and spend more time together are good, but I believe it will take alot more from her to make it a happy loving marriage. 

There is hope, but reality also.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I never wanted to separate form my wife, and wanted to work things out. Time has brought perspective. She almost left me last summer but we worked things out, only to have things fall apart in December and she asked for a separation. Merry Christmas.

As time moves on, I am learning to let go. My stbxw has changed and her career and ambitions are number one with her. She has become a very self-centered person and obviously lost any love she had for me.

Still, there are moments when I wonder about reconciliation... but this is the 3rd time she's wanted to leave. I've finally gotten the message.

Oh and by the way, we agreed not to date or hook up with anyone until we were sure it was over. At this point, his "agreement" means nothing. She may still be considering me as an option, but I need more than that.

Here's to better times and meeting authentic, honest women.


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## howtofigureitout (Feb 9, 2012)

Yah I know realistically things are not favorable for us working it out. Really she mentioned that she doesn't want to work on the marriage 2 months ago. I see people on this board talking about being separated for a year or two. Here I am after two months of her not wanting to work on the marriage and not wanting to talk to me and feel like giving up sometimes. I feel that if I truly loved her though I wouldn't have doubts about possibly wanting to be with someone else. She would be the only person I would be thinking about, not thinking about moving onto someone else to find someone who wants to be with me.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Communicating? Were you dumper/dumpee? I didn't agree or want the separation. I have sought help tried MC, my H has chosen to leave... I don't contact him because he wanted space. If he were to show the slightest bit of hope/desire it might be different. 

I have seen tons of stats (depends on the author/therapist)about successful separations/reconciliations so knowing how easy it is to lie w/ stats I ignore them (it helps my mood anyway to ignore them).

What have either of you done to repair or show growth/desire to get back together?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why did you guys split?


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## howtofigureitout (Feb 9, 2012)

I was the one dumped. She has been going to personal counseling for five months and I have been going to counseling for two months. I have been reading a decent amount of self help books, the five languages of love, his needs her needs, seven secrets to a happy marriage, mmsl, no more mr nice guy. I feel like I am not overly developed / mature as a person to work some of my issues out. I feel somewhat dependent on her and I realize that it needs to stop. I am all over the place lately with my emotions and what I am trying to do. 

I do read a lot of what is going on in this board and it helps to see what other people are doing but I tend to spend to much time sitting and reading this board as well. I read these other stories of people trying so hard in their marriages and being great people prior to their spouses leaving and the one they love leaves them. It does not give me much hope for my situation because looking back it makes me feel guilty seeing these people trying so hard to fix their marriage and being able to wait while their spouse figures stuff out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

howtofigureitout said:


> I was the one dumped. She has been going to personal counseling for five months and I have been going to counseling for two months. I have been reading a decent amount of self help books, the five languages of love, his needs her needs, seven secrets to a happy marriage, mmsl, no more mr nice guy. I feel like I am not overly developed / mature as a person to work some of my issues out. I feel somewhat dependent on her and I realize that it needs to stop. I am all over the place lately with my emotions and what I am trying to do.
> 
> I do read a lot of what is going on in this board and it helps to see what other people are doing but I tend to spend to much time sitting and reading this board as well. I read these other stories of people trying so hard in their marriages and being great people prior to their spouses leaving and the one they love leaves them. It does not give me much hope for my situation because looking back it makes me feel guilty seeing these people trying so hard to fix their marriage and being able to wait while their spouse figures stuff out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you on trying to work on you... one way or another you will be a better person;-)

Have you all tried MC? Have you two talked about where either of you are in your relationship? 

I sometimes have to take a break from the board because it can drag you down when people are posting their pain and no progress. But then you get those that start progressing and because they are working on their relationship they are on here less so we get less "happy" threads than sad ones. I have noticed it sometimes drags me down if their are no improvements in some of 'our' relationships.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I've been separated over a year. We have no plans to get divorced or get back together in the same house. After a year of going back and forth emotionally things have settled into a fairly good routine where we see each other on weekends and during the week we are apart. 

My husband is a constant presence in my life. He hangs out at my apartment and I go to his house and we do stuff together. I guess we are married and living separately. 

He told me he's ready to move in with me again and "it's up to me." Thing is, I like being separated. IMO our marriage has never been better than it is now so why mess up a good thing? :scratchhead:

Most of this is due to me. I just like living on my own and having my own space and I find it easier to deal with him emotionally if I'm not with him all the time. I guess it's weird that I want a "friend with benefits" rather than a husband at this point in my life. 

He seems fine with it. He says he wants me in his life and whether we live together or not isn't going to change that so right now it's win-win. To me, it's not so much an emotional issue as it is a practical one. 

I know, it's weird but I'm into what works. When we lived with each other it wasn't working and now it is.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband and I survived our 3 month separation and are doing wonderfully now.

Looking back, I honestly just think he left to see if I'd change (which i did with professional help) or if i'd just drop the ball and let him go. I chose to fight for our marriage and our separation was more like dating...not really separated at all....he moved out, btu was over a lot. We had some snags in that time...miscommunications, sadness, tears, etc...but we laid everything out and worked through it all. 

Looking at your situation, I would say she's gone. Even though Hubs left, we communicated at least 4 days a week and we saw each other 3-4 days a week, with lots of sex. Towards the end of our separation, he was basically living back home again. 

I know that sadness you must be going through, but sometimes it's best to know the reality of the situation and go from there.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I will say that there is always hope in these situations...however, with less and less communication as time goes on, that glimmer of hope gets smaller and smaller.

Humans are use to what they have. If you lose something you have had for a long time...you want it back desperately. Love plays into that, of course, but so does comfort, and familiarity.

With my wife, I love her very much, but things get a little easier with each passing day. Eventually you will find a new person...and that comfort, love, and familiarity processes starts all over again...the old relationship means less and less, the more you adapt to your new relationship.

Maybe my statement dehumanizes it a little...but sometimes I think it helps put things in perspective...

I wish you all the luck in the world, brother.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

i know my stbxh is done, so i've stopped hoping, and started moving on. last time he moved out i thought it was temporary and that we were going to work on ourselves, but his idea of working on himself was setting up a match.com account....next week when he leaves again all hopes of our marriage do too.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> I will say that there is always hope in these situations...however, with less and less communication as time goes on, that glimmer of hope gets smaller and smaller.


But yet the 180 - we are suppose to have less communication, lots of the how to save your marriages say that too... so what's the answer? 

I keep little personal communication going w/ my H who chose to move out and leave w/o prepping anyone (kids). Some of it is anger, detachment (for our survival etc)... but he wanted space and I am honoring that.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> But yet the 180 - we are suppose to have less communication, lots of the how to save your marriages say that too... so what's the answer?
> 
> I keep little personal communication going w/ my H who chose to move out and leave w/o prepping anyone (kids). Some of it is anger, detachment (for our survival etc)... but he wanted space and I am honoring that.


Mama,
When i choose to try the 180...it seemed to hurt my marriage more. I think there are ways of keeping it in the middle...I think not begging and being clingy is good but I think no contact when you love someone makes it worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Mama,
> When i choose to try the 180...it seemed to hurt my marriage more. I think there are ways of keeping it in the middle...I think not begging and being clingy is good but I think no contact when you love someone makes it worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I went pretty much NC for a while except for giving short questions. I may be softening a little, but he hurt me last week when he didn't go to therapy after he said he would. I am pretty sure there is an EA, he will really hurt us financially after I have been fixing the last time it was messed up. I do have to medicate and prepare to talk to him before it happens. He's made so many rash decisions that are effecting everyone.


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## fraid4kat (Feb 2, 2012)

Hb and I are into our 2nd month of in home separation ( due to financial, children needs), and our communication is quickly dwindling down to almost zero. I limit contact with him because it is one thing to communicate on a surface level and quite a different endeavour to try to communicate about deeper issues. In the past hb has taken "surface small talk" as a signal that things will work themselves out and I will change my mind about ending the marriage and forget about the underlying problems, as any amount of talk regardless of the subject matter is still communication. The deeper issues in our marriage usually end up with one or both of us re- hashing past incidents, behaviors and hurts, so it is better to not have to play that old tired game anymore. I have no doubts about requesting/ choosing to end the marriage but am having a hard time living with his timetable for divorce, because I also feel that sometimes the longer that things are left to linger, the harder it is to have closure and move forward without doing more damage. I feel as if I'm treading water because we are in two different places on the emotional spectrum with this process of ending our marriage relationship. I would say that you would not be normal if you didn't question your desire to remain married or to break up, but at the same time I also believe that when you know that you absolutely can not go back to the way things were, efforts to see positive lasting change prove to be fruitless, and you want to move forward in a mature way, then you are not obliged to feel guilty for doing so. I'm trying to figure out how to move on and forward without the hurt and further damage to everyone and it seems that I'm constantly stumbling, so it seems easier to just not communicate as much.


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