# Husband no longer loves me and wants a divorce.



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Everyone,

Really glad to have found this forum because I really could do with a little support and sharing of experiences right now.

I won't write a mini-novel with all the details but please feel free to ask more, if you want to.

In short my marriage is in a terrible state. Due to a lot of external factors such as several deaths in the family (on both sides), suspected PTSD (him), the emotional distress of trying to support someone with PTSD (me) and huge trust/abandonment issues (him), long term sickness (me) the list goes on, we never really got off to a great start. We just seemed to be bombarded with much, much more trouble and heartache within the space of a few months than some people will have to deal with in a lifetime. We were struggling and our relationship went into rapid decline, neither of us getting the support we needed and a lot of arguing. 

Very quickly the relationship turned abusive. Verbal and emotional in the beginning and over time that became physical. My husband eventually turned himself in to the military had has been on a programme for domestic violence. He was removed form our home for a while to cool off and is now back home. We've had a fair bit of individual counseling but haven't progressed to couples yet. The physical violence has stopped and the verbal abuse has lessened.

The thing is my husband now very frequently tells me that he does not love me and wants to divorce. I, on the other hand, have never forgotten who and why I fell in love and underneath all of the troubles I still love him dearly.

I really feel like we have been more a victim of nasty circumstances and that we really could get back on track but somehow he just doesn't see it. It's sort of like we've never had the opportunity to see the best of eachother, due to all of the other stuff we've had to deal with. It seems like such a sad waste of a marriage that I always believed (for good reason) to have massive potential. Kind of seems wrong to just give up before we even attend the couples part of counselling. On the other hand I'm scared that I'm making my husband miserable by not agreeing to a divorce.

I've really stood by him through thick and thin and I feel like he both doesn't really see just how much I've done to be supportive and doesn't see me for who I really am anymore.

Any advice, thoughts or shared experiences would be very much appreciated right now.

:scratchhead:


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been married? Any kids?

My first thought is that if one partner doesn't want to put in the time and effort to fix the marriage, it's as good as over. 

C


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi PBear,

We've only been married for two years. In many ways he is trying to improve things although I'm not sure to what extent it's because the military have pushed him into it.

I really don't know whether he sees divorce as the easy way out (which it never really is) or whether he truly doesn't love me anymore.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've been married for two years... How long did you date before that? And any kids?

If you're both just doing individual counselling, that's not the same necessarily as marriage counselling. Your (and his) individual counsellor will be trying to help you figure out what's right for you. Which may or may not include being married to your spouse. 

Divorce sometimes IS the easy way out, and the right thing to do. I don't know if it is in your case or not, obviously. But sometimes, beating your head against a brick wall doesn't knock down the wall. It just gives you headaches.

C


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

10 Surprising Reasons Men Initiate Divorce

Are you handling all 10 of these things first?


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks both,

PBear we dtaed for 2 years but lived 4500 miles apart. We did see eachother a lot though and were in contact daily.

WorkingOnMe some of those things were a factor but we have worked on that.

I guess I feel like a lot of his problems are within himself and he's blaming them on me, rather than allowing me to be a supportive wife. I feel very much short changed, like my efforts are not recognized or appreciated and that if they were it would make a tremendous difference.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I say let him go.

He is abusive and it's best to end it now, two years in, then twenty years later. Abuse generally gets worse over time.

Also, if someone wants out, you shouldn't chase after them.


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks Jellybeans,

In terms of the abuse, I'm learning to trust him again. He doesn't follow the pattern of a typical abuser and the problem is linked to something that happened to him. It happened in the military and I can't give any details. I not by any means excusing what he did but he seeked help of his own accord and so far (quite so months on and with treatment) hasn't relapsed.

The trouble is I honestly don't know if he really wants out or whether life is overwhelming him and he's blaming me rather than looking for the root of the problem. It's not so much a case of chasing as trying to figure out what to do for the best. He's not very in tune with his emotions and I wonder whether he really knows what going on with himself.

On the other hand, through all of this I'm faced with constant ups and downs and am very, very hurt at the moment. I just don't know whether to keep grinding through it or just give up. I don't want to give up but starting to feel very worn down and I know he is too.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you really want to live this way? Don't you think you deserve someone who adores you?

Jelly beans is right on: Let him go. 

And imagine how great your next relationship, with a guy who loves and respects you, just for being you, is going to feel.


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks for the encouragement jld. I guess, as many of you will already have experienced, it's just very difficult to break the attachment when you have invested so much of yourself in someone.

The good times were more than just good. They were truly amazing. We had a beautiful relationship, until he returned from deployment. I suppose a large part of me hopes that could be somehow revived. In all reality it's not likely though.

Sigh

I wish loving someone was something you could choose to stop doing but it's so much deeper rooted than that. Takes time, I guess.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are really brave to face this. It is probably easier on one level to just be passive and accept whatever you can get from the relationship, but that is really not going to make you happy long-term. It really is less painful in the long run to end it sooner rather than later.

I think we all look back on painful partings, but now we are so glad they happened. Getting away from the wrong one allowed the right one to come in.

Again, you are a brave gal, and you are doing yourself a favor by being willing to let go. Best of luck, and a big hug!


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thank so much again jld.

Right now I'm 4500 miles from any friends and family and facing this very much alone. Sucks  but some support from someone who understands really means a lot.

Oh well, looks like it won't be a very happy Christmas this year. On the other hand, all the cash I'd saved for presents will make for a great shopping spree! Yip, that works :rofl:


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> Thanks Jellybeans,
> 
> In terms of the abuse, I'm learning to trust him again. He doesn't follow the pattern of a typical abuser and the problem is linked to something that happened to him. It happened in the military and I can't give any details. I not by any means excusing what he did but he seeked help of his own accord and so far (quite so months on and with treatment) hasn't relapsed.
> 
> ...


You cannot convince him to change his mind by talking about it and explaining what you have explained to us.

What you can do is say "Ok if that's how you feel, go ahead and take the necessary steps. I'm really sad about this, but I can't force you to change your mind". 

Once you change your reaction, you'll get a different result... Perhaps he will not go through with it once the ball is in his court and once he realizes that you are strong and self reliant, and that you won't just stand by pining away and trying to fix him.

On the other hand, if he really does not feel connected anymore and thinks he should be free from this marriage, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it, so my advice stands.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I say let him go.
> 
> He is abusive and it's best to end it now, two years in, then twenty years later. Abuse generally gets worse over time.
> 
> Also, if someone wants out, you shouldn't chase after them.


:iagree:


I know your heart is hurting right now but there really is no excuse for physical abuse not to mention it is illegal. You are making lots of excuses for his abuse of you. Let him go. He realizes that the marriage/relationship is dysfunctional, toxic & unhealthy for him & you as well.

It will take time, but you will as well.

Would you tell your sister, best friend or daughter to stay with this type of man?


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Thanks again for the advice. Plucking up the nerve to go see a divorce lawyer. What's really daunting is whatever may come next. Weird but the future seems like a huge big black hole


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

ive been in ur shoes. But longer term. Started w an arm grab. Got worse. His mom belittled him. He was abused as a sm child. When i belittled him that old childhood trauma surfaced and he took it out on me. I didnt mean to belittle him.and i didnt say anything so much pefsonal but more about how he does things. I was a perfectionist. He was just do a ok job. People think we are excusing them. I didnt mean to put him down. I loved him so much. Its not excuses were making but seeking to understand why the men we loved and cherished and trusted hurt us like that. For me i was with him 19 years before he touched me in anger. But it was anger froma lack of control and resentment. Understanding is part of the healing process. When a man feels powerless it triggers anger. To gain control they will use whatever means i.e. Physical form emotional financial ..usually on their intimate partner because that is the closest person to the abuser. That your husband turned himself in is good. Mine got worse. Without intervention the deep seeded resentment/hatred anger and control grow worse. Resentment is poison.mine ws was also military. Also i just read one of the most common triggers of abuse is infidelity. The year my ws laid a hand on md for the first time was after his secretive resentment had brewed and a gal at work boosted his ego after i belittled him. Yet he didnt want divorce at that time cause of effects on kids. Im not trying to hijack your thread but giving info on dv and how it can manifest. I also recently learned if his anger triggered at sch by a guy after his hs gf he would get in fight like a bully. Please be cautious of finding new partners who were abused as kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

also for a while my ws did want a divorce. Then backed out. Usually not due to love but kids money guilt etc. Good luck to you. I hope everything works for the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Separate for awhile, don't force him to stay, it's a big mistake.

Love is not enough to keep a marriage healthy. There is a lot more needed than love like respect, trust etc.

If he's telling you he doesn't love you and wants a divorce then tell him you want what is best for him so he should leave. 

That is the ONLY way to gain his respect. Don't cling, don't whine, just say 'go'.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lookinforhelpandhope said:


> I guess I feel like a lot of his problems are within himself and he's blaming them on me, rather than allowing me to be a supportive wife


If you were supportive, wouldn't you ALLOW him to blame it all on you? 

J/K


----------



## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

notadoormat,

Thank you for posting that response. You really seem to understand my perspective on this and it helps so much to know that someone else gets it. My husband was abused as a child too. Not sexually but he was beaten, told he was never good enough, etc and I know for sure a lot of our issues are rooted there. I just wish he could figure that out too. When we got married I knew he had a difficult childhood but I had no idea how bad it had been and the extent that it still affects him. 

It's so bad in that respect that I'll always compliment him on doing good, even when it's just something as simple as doing a little DIY or wearing something that looks good. He used to really appreciate those comments but the response I most often get now is you don't mean that/you're lying, etc. Even just that lack of trust in my opinion hurts a lot. What's even worse is he'll accept compliments like that from other people but not from me. 

notadoormat, i really do hope you're doping well now and wish you the best.


----------



## notadoormat (Jun 1, 2013)

im coping one day at a time. How are you. A bit more info..i was told in counseling that abused children find coping mechanisms to block memories and because they feel powerless during abuse period they grow up seeking any manner to maintain or exude control when they begin to feel powerless. Hence lies manipulation etc. 
One thing i do know..you mentioned abandonment. My ws cant tolerate being alone. He never has been..
Also..not that this is true in your case..when my ws was having his A..he recently admitted he did not want me to boost his ego. Didnt say why but im guessing to avoid guilt. The A partner is fantasy..a romance or fwbs that have no put downs critisims etc. We wives..well we have reality. Parenting finances house. For my ws..he found any difference of opinion as a put down. Not just a diff of opinion. Divorce to him means a war. So he asked for marriage counseling again. I said no. But since he is in a control battle now i decided to let him make appt. I didnt like his choices. I found one guy who specializes in personality disorders and abuse divorces marriages etc. He has a phd and many forms of treatment. I left him a msg. I will explain the types of control and abuse and addictions and how we react to each other and ws resentments n hatred and see if he can help us resolve his anger issues and how i am responding to him in the past that he may be responding back so see if we can have some fricken peaceful resolve. I am done w this war. Ws wants me to go to get over my anger resentment of his A. The A i am less concerned about. My first priority is safety. 
Anyway i hope my exp can help you. The thing that sucks is being hurt the most by people we loved the most. I just know this..you cant fix others. If your husband feels you tried to fix him or his history then he may have perceived your msg as telling him he is broken. Mine did. 
As much as it may hurt him wanting a divorce it may not be about you. It may be he knows he cant give love ..only hurt. If he wants to divorce you..let him. It maybe a blessing in disguise. If at some point later your meant to be ..and he adresses his issues who knows. I dont wish my shoes upon anyone so seek support and take one day at time. 
On a side note..i got a text from ws this am. Son not going to sch again..he was sick yest. But at times ive told ws he not getting out of bed to ensure son up..(im at wk during this time but i know) ws texted he going to video tape his attempts. After careful thought...i texted ...that is not a solution and will only cause resentment which we have enough of. Then i provided a solution that he can do that he is good at...amazingly..he responded i was right he just defensive which wont solve..and that he is going to solve some of the current problems he caused. It was a very humbling msg and i said thank you.

Also..not sure if this will apply to you but i just googled revenge last night as everytime ws does not get his way or i make him mad he uses revenge..up came narcissism and revenge. Almost bim to a T. Addresses abuse in childhood too. It helped me to formulate my response to him and further communication. 
Light candles n buy yourself flowers. Reading will distract your mind. Excersize will release happy endorphins. I am feeling better this year. Still a rough road but the people here are helping. More than anything..to just not feel isolated and alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

