# Husband in emotional affair with young woman who has own fiance but wants him too



## littlerockette (Oct 3, 2012)

I am really at a loss about what to do about my marriage. Basically my 62 year old husband of 30 years is infatuated with a young woman of 30 he met at his golf club, 3 years ago. He is semi retired and plays a lot of golf so I am accustomed to being something of a golf widow. But I accepted his interest and thought we were happy until she appeared on the scene. He gives private coaching and she asked him to help her with her golf and generally be her mentor. He agreed and since then they have become almost inseparable. 

She is also a teacher, and so has time on her hands during vacations when she can and does play golf all day everyday. Mostly it turns out, with my husband. He did not tell me how often they were playing and by the time I found out, about 3 months ago, their relationship had escalated into a full scale emotional affair and embroiled my husband in a mid life crisis. I found out that they were seeing each other all the time during the week, in the summer vacation, and often he would lie about this to me, and also at weekends, when he plays in a foursome sometimes with her boyfriend and another older male friend. Also she was texting him at all hours of the day and night, mostly about golf but also very affectionate too.

When I found out the scale of the deception- how often he had been seeing her and lying to me about it. I confronted my husband but like happens so often with midlife crises, I did not get much sense out of him. He went on about how he had always been fond of me but never really loved me. She had awakened feelings in him he never thought possible, he adored being in her company and that all he really wanted was to be with her. If she would have him he would leave me in an instant even if it only lasted a few weeks it would be worth it. 

He also said he really liked being flattered by her and going around with a very attractive young woman hanging on his every word. It made his friends envious too. The twist is that their relationship, while clearly intensely emotional, is not physical, as much as he would like it to be, as she had made it clear she did not want a relationship of that kind with him due to the age gap and in any case was settled with her own boyfriend.

She has had a very nice boyfriend her own age, for the last two years, who she sees at weekends (he works some way away and comes here to be with her). Her boyfriend plays golf but not to her standard. She treats my husband like a second boyfriend and expects him to jump when she tells him to (which is also how she treats her real life boyfriend). His mood depends on how she is treating him from day to day and spending time with me seems to displease her.

As you can imagine all this caused a major crisis in our marriage and with no sense from my husband I texted her and asked her to back off a bit explaining their closeness was causing problems in our marriage. Nothing doing. In fact if anything she turned the screws even tighter, expecting him to see her every weekend for a game even if it intervened with our own arrangements. 

My husband and I have discussed separating but we simply cannot afford financially to split up, I help in his business and we could not sell our house in the current market and need our joint incomes to stay afloat financially. So we have been trying to work something out to stay friends. Also if he leaves I feel she will have won and that eventually he might find himself alone and isolated while at present he is so infatuated he is not thinking straight.

Recently it was my birthday and my husband proposed a truce and invited me to go away for a couple of days and it went really well. Just like old times. He bought me a nice present and suggested we do it again next month. A day later he went very quiet and sulky and reading between the lines it was clear he had told her he was not available for golf that weekend and she had given him a really hard time.

In desperation I phoned her fiance and asked how did he feel about their relationship as it was giving me a hard time, friends were talking openly and it was becoming humiliating for me. He said he felt entirely secure and did not feel jealous as he did not believe she had any physical or romantic feelings for my husband.
He was not concerned about it. He did not seem to be fully aware himself of how much she was seeing my husband in the week denying for example that they spend hours chatting in the club bar and my husband always gives her a life home. Which is what happens. So I wonder if he is really aware of how she and myhusband interact.

I have been hoping given time it would pass but his feelings for her seem to be getting stronger and he will not pass up any opportunity to be with her. They seem to have intimate discussions about me, and about her bf, and my husband describes her as his best buddy, and she has convinced him he is "mother ridden". This is so not true but appears to be based on the view that he finds it necessary sometimes to consult me about when he can play. There is no sign yet of her getting married and my husband seems to be hoping that one day her relationship will break up and he can step in and fill the gap, and he is prepared to wait as long at it takes. 

Meanwhile she wants him to be 100% available to her. Indeed we seem to have arrived at the position where he has to clear his family commitments with her first, so that they do not conflict with what she wants to do. Unless he puts her first, she gives him a hard time. The more upset I get the more he says I am making him feel hunted and put upon.

Now she has said she wants to play in a tournament between Christmas and the New Year when our son and daughter in law and baby granddaughter,, who live overseas will be here, for 4 days. We will not have seen them for nearly a year. However as a Hindu she does not celebrate Christmas and her bf who does, is packed off to his family for the duration. My husband says he has to play with her then or she will be on her own during that period. It seems she is more important even than seeing our own son and grand daughter.

What I cannot understand is why she is doing this when she has a nice boyfriend of her own age. Any comments which might help me make sense of it? Should I just let it run its course?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.

If not a physical affair, he is already in a deep emotional affair. He puts her before you.

Could you consider IC for him and MC for both of you?


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

This guy is not worth fighting for. I wonder what you've ever seen in him. He's a terrible person! He is selfish, he is demeaning, hurtful. I would forward this chicks boyfriend all these texts she's sending your husband and explain to him the entire situation.

Your husband has obviously brainwashed this chick into disliking you in the first place. He WANTS her to dislike you so its easier for HIM to dislike you and move on, and abstain himself from guilt. I think she's not convincing him that he's mother ridden. I think HES convincing HER that you're a nag and a bully! 

Honestly rockette, do you really want to BE with this man? Honestly? I would try to distance myself from him if I were you. He's not going to get to be with this girl regardless. He's having a midlife crisis and trying to abandon you!


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Odd...She's obviously getting something out of it, or thinks she is...
You are in a really horrible situation.
Leave the old on to be miserable when she marrys her poor boyfriend. Make him sell the house, buy your 50% of the business, and get yourself something smaller, maybe closer to your granddaughter. Can't afford it or not, you deserve to be happy, and he said he'd leave you in an instant..that can't possibly make you happy.
He will show up one day, and if you love him and he's a good man, not the arsehole he's being, it's your choice to take him back.
But right now, that's no way to live, you're heading into your twilight years, make the most if them, he's infatuated, being a disrespectful old bastard, and there's very little you can do about it 

You should get a lot of good advice here, read about 'the fog' and understand what you are dealing with, with the addition of a 30 year age gap!
Maybe demand he see a shrink, meds.

Be the women he makes you out to be, start laying down some ground rules, be demanding, be angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## littlerockette (Oct 3, 2012)

I entirely hear what you are saying Kipani and think there is a lot of truth in it. The thing is until he met this young woman we seemed to have an affectionate trusting relationship. And 30 years of marriage is not thrown away lightly. I am trying to distance myself from him emotionally but it is hard. 

I do wonder why any young woman, in a good relationship of her own, should single out another woman's husband in this way and not back off when the wife asks her to. OK before I contacted her, she had only heard his side but why keep going like this after I contacted her? I saw a text she sent him when he got his dates muddled up and had to stand her down for a game, it was just like a stood up girlfriend might send. 

Yet her regular boyfriend thinks there is nothing wrong in her behaviour. Hello. I cannot forward him the texts as my husband deleted them as soon as he knew I had read them Now he keeps his phone on him at all times.

To help me get my head straight and put some emotional distance into this, I would like among other things to understand her motives. It would certainly take the heat off trying to sort things out, even to an amicable separation, if she backed off but all the time she is pulling his strings it makes it harder.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going through this. Your husband is in what many of us call the "fog". When someone has gotten to this point, communication is impossible. You may as well be talking to a brick wall. It sounds like your husband and this other woman may have a physical affair going on.

It's time you do some detective work. If you look around this forum section, you'll get plenty of ideas. You really need to get proof of this affair. For example, can you get copies of his text messages? Where there is affection? The reason you got nowhere with this woman's fiancé is because he is in denial. Once you have solid proof that the relationship is beyond platonic, then give it to the boyfriend.

Wish you well with all of this.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Rockette, some people get off on knowing that they can yank someone's chain. So this woman enjoys yanking your husband's chain. 

And I bet that this woman's boyfriend says he's secure despite this relationship that she and your husband have because, well, that's the cool thing to say these days. If he were concerned, then he would be accused of being jealous and insecure. So he probably doesn't welcome any indication of what's going on. 

I do have the feeling that this woman is not interested in taking the relationship with your husband further as long as she can get the desired results out of just pulling on his leash. Although I would not be surprised if she might try to take it further when she sees that your husband is pulling away from her. This is exactly what happened when my fiancé started pulling away from his EA. she then started to make offers as if she were interested in being his girlfriend......not just a chain yanker.

Given your experience so far, I would just do a 180 on him and file for divorce. Let him contemplate what life will be like without his safety net as well as find out how welcoming his golf partner is when he wants to take up space in other parts of her life.

As others agree, you can stop divorce proceedings but I can't imagine continuing the situation that you are in.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

littlerockette said:


> I do wonder why any young woman, in a good relationship of her own, should single out another woman's husband in this way and not back off when the wife asks her to.


When a much younger woman is seeing an older man, it's always about money (according to my divorce attorney). At least she perceives him to be well off. She is stringing her boyfriend along while she waits for your husband to divorce you.


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## littlerockette (Oct 3, 2012)

At present even if I wanted to sell the house I could not, the market is dead. And 30 years is a long time and there is a lot of stuff to shift plus we run the business from here. So it will all take some working out and I need some emotional space to do that. Which I don't have right now. There is enough room to occupy pretty much our own spaces to for the time being at least while things get sorted. I am working on that. 

Filing for divorce would not make much difference, I already suggested that and he basically shrugged. Said he would probably be OK. I think kipani is probably right, he just wants out and is looking for ways to force me to make the running. 

I suspect he would have a light landing because there are plenty of divorced and widowed women of a certain age in the golf club, and I know at least two of them have come on to him in the past. Honestly he is no Adonis and not wealthy but it is surprising how many women there are who seem willing to pinch someone else's husband......

I don't think the EA has got physical yet. I have seen them together and there is no sign at all that she fancies him. Indeed when her boyfriend is around they are always smooching. I think my husband just lives in hope. Plus his movements are widely known - his classes are timetabled at the club - and he has been out playing golf when he said he was. Only golfers and their partners know what an addiction it can be. Its just that he omitted to tell me she was along too, or lied about her being there.

There is no doubt when we appeared to get along better recently, she yanked his chain sharply. Yet I would be surprised if she wanted it to get physical, she has told him frankly she is not interested in a romantic relationship with him (I believe that) or with someone his age. He is neither well known nor handsome nor wealthy and she is a very attractive young woman who could have the pick of many eligible men of her own age. 

She has a good well paying job and is the only child of wealthy parents who bought her an appartment last year, and my OH is particuarly skint at present having invested in a friends business. So I am really doubtful if is about money on her side. Its more as if she wants to extract him from me to be her regular golf partner and misty eyed doting admirer, and I am in the way. 

I should like to keep things as amicable as possible for the sake of our son who is fond of both of us. Also our son was at college with her (that is how she introduced herself to my husband, that she knew our son at uni) and he said then he thought she was weird, and he knows my husband is playing a lot of golf with her and is not entirely comfortable with it. I don't want him forced into taking sides if it can be avoided.

I did see a text where he was complaining about me checking up on him and she asked him why he did not leave but that was before I texted her and spoke to her boyfriend and told them my side of things. How long does the fog last? Does it ever lift?


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## BeenHurt (Sep 19, 2012)

Fog always lifts, but if you believe there is no physical element, or even a mutual feeling on her part, then I think the fog as its definition around here isn't applicable. He's in LaLa land, infatuated with a non existent affair..
Many people say that serving the divorce papers helps, as it makes it quite serious.

Don't worry about your son, never speak ill of his Dad, he's grown up enough to make his own decisions, bet he doesn't want to see you live like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hindu, eh? Why don't you expose the whole thing to her parents and extended family? The people at the golf club? Transpose all those texts for her fiance, and show them to him. 

Then, divorce this clown. You say you can't afford to, yet, you are apparently running your own business, and he can afford to golf all the time...something is not adding up.

The minute my husband came to tell me he never loved me and would leave in an instant if he had the chance to be with another woman would be the instant he was carried off on a stretcher. How can you even want to stick it out at that point?

Your son is a grown married man and a father; he can handle his parents getting a divorce.

Stop making excuses for your situation and ACT.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

littlerockette said:


> I entirely hear what you are saying Kipani and think there is a lot of truth in it. The thing is until he met this young woman we seemed to have an affectionate trusting relationship. And 30 years of marriage is not thrown away lightly. I am trying to distance myself from him emotionally but it is hard.
> 
> *I do wonder why any young woman, in a good relationship of her own, should single out another woman's husband in this way and not back off when the wife asks her to. *OK before I contacted her, she had only heard his side but why keep going like this after I contacted her? I saw a text she sent him when he got his dates muddled up and had to stand her down for a game, it was just like a stood up girlfriend might send.
> 
> ...


Power. It's about power. And control. You see, she now has the power over him to act on HER wishes over yours. That gives her a "rush". He is a puppet to her. He is allowing himself to be controlled by her. Why? Because, as you have mentioned, she is younger and gives him an ego boost. She knows this. This "ego boost" is the key.

In order to fix this, you may have to play hard ball with him. Tell your children about their father's new golf buddy and that it appears that your needs (and theirs) run second to this OW and her needs. Expose her by telling your children who she is. In short, what you are doing is attempting to pull your H back into the marital fold and away from this viper OW.

Next, don't tolerate this treatment for another second. If he cancels plans with you in order to fit her into his schedule, tell him to not bother coming home.

And finally, you may have to pull out the big guns. 30 years of marriage entitles you to Alimony. You are also entitled to 50% of the marital assets. Does he really want to "go there"?

You can snap him out of this and win, but you have to take a stand and not allow this to continue without some serious consequences that he is convinced you will take.

Good luck to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

survivorwife said:


> Power. It's about power. And control. You see, she now has the power over him to act on HER wishes over yours. That gives her a "rush". He is a puppet to her. He is allowing himself to be controlled by her. Why? Because, as you have mentioned, she is younger and gives him an ego boost. She knows this. This "ego boost" is the key.
> 
> In order to fix this, you may have to play hard ball with him. Tell your children about their father's new golf buddy and that it appears that your needs (and theirs) run second to this OW and her needs. Expose her by telling your children who she is. In short, what you are doing is attempting to pull your H back into the marital fold and away from this viper OW.
> 
> ...


In this case, I think this would be very effective since it seems pretty certain that she wouldn't want him at her place.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

That little conniving girl is the devil. She is definitely showing you how much power she has by pulling him in even more after you talked or texted her.... I am so sorry about your situation.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would suggest getting real evidence that you can share with the OW's guy.

Use voice activated recorder and confront your husband and get him to tell you again the horrible things he said about not wanting you, but wanting her.

If the two of them talk on the phone, see if you can get at least his side of the conversation.

The BF is an idiot who doesn't see your old husband as a threat.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I am so sorry you are here...

I get the feeling you are blaming her. Yes, she is yanking his chain, but he is allowing it. She is not the problem here...

I feel you are being too rational. Your mind is trying to come up with a viable outcome to keep the status quo. You are Not the other woman. You are the one and only woman in his life you need to start acting like it. 

You need to make this affair difficult for him 

1) Start accommodating him to all golfing functions. Begin to have interest in golf. Even if you hate golf, fake it. Look drop 
dead gorgeous and start marking your territory. He will have a difficult time in his fantasyland when his reality (You) are always there. Don't allow them any private time together. When she is around talk about your family and show her pictures of your grandchildren. He will throw a fit and object, but you need to take your own car and follow him to the club. Don't ever allow him to sit in the clubhouse and socialize with this OW. Maybe even get your own lessons from a cute young golf pro... Give it right back to him. You can only do this for a short time, it will be emotionally draining. Read MB forum for more tips on how to do this

2) kick him out of the house and go nuclear in exposing the 
affair. Let your family and everyone at the club know he is 
throwing away 30 years of marriage for this woman.

Do not make this affair easy for him. 


Other will post more....


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I would suggest getting real evidence that you can share with the OW's guy.
> 
> Use voice activated recorder and confront your husband and get him to tell you again the horrible things he said about not wanting you, but wanting her.
> 
> ...



Yes, the BF is an idiot, so I'm not sure that your suggestion, specifically appealing to him in regards to the OP's marital relationship is going to sway him one way or another, so long as his "GF" is faithful. 

In the alternative, I would suggest that the OP paint this OW as a con-artist, a manipulator, a person who uses others (the OP's H) for her own gain. I would appeal to the BF in the sense that he is in a relationship with a ruthless, cold, calculating, utterly selfish and self-absorbed woman, and that he needs to be more observant of her character if he intends to maintain his own relationship with such a woman. I think this approach would get the BF's attention more so than painting her as being after the OP's H on an emotional and/or potentially physical level.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

littlerockette said:


> When I found out the scale of the deception- how often he had been seeing her and lying to me about it. I confronted my husband but like happens so often with midlife crises, I did not get much sense out of him. He went on about how he had always been fond of me but never really loved me. She had awakened feelings in him he never thought possible, he adored being in her company and that all he really wanted was to be with her. If she would have him he would leave me in an instant even if it only lasted a few weeks it would be worth it.
> 
> He also said he really liked being flattered by her and going around with a very attractive young woman hanging on his every word. It made his friends envious too. The twist is that their relationship, while clearly intensely emotional, is not physical, as much as he would like it to be, as she had made it clear she did not want a relationship of that kind with him due to the age gap and in any case was settled with her own boyfriend.


Sorry you are here. 

The saying there is no fool like an old fool comes to mind. 

Let me guess, your husband is wealthier or more financially sound than her boyfriend and she likes having his money spent on her because she wants attention and to be pampered.

What's happening is your Mid life crisis boy is feeling old, and when he looks at this young women it's like looking into the mirror and seeing his youth. 

He will wake up when your gone and it's way too late to make amends. 

I have seen it many times. 

Also, if they do end up marrying, she will likely cheat on him, too. 

Maybe it's Karma, maybe it's just desserts. 

Sorry you are here.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

kipani said:


> This guy is not worth fighting for. I wonder what you've ever seen in him. He's a terrible person! He is selfish, he is demeaning, hurtful. I would forward this chicks boyfriend all these texts she's sending your husband and explain to him the entire situation.
> 
> Your husband has obviously brainwashed this chick into disliking you in the first place. He WANTS her to dislike you so its easier for HIM to dislike you and move on, and abstain himself from guilt. I think she's not convincing him that he's mother ridden. I think HES convincing HER that you're a nag and a bully!
> 
> Honestly rockette, do you really want to BE with this man? Honestly? I would try to distance myself from him if I were you. He's not going to get to be with this girl regardless. He's having a midlife crisis and trying to abandon you!


Agree. Also, have you outed him to his children and mutual friends. 

If not please do so. 

I am also having difficulty believing they have not had sex. 

Can you hire a detective to follow him for one day?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

littlerockette said:


> I am really at a loss about what to do about my marriage. Basically my 62 year old husband of 30 years is infatuated with a young woman of 30 he met at his golf club, 3 years ago. He is semi retired and plays a lot of golf so I am accustomed to being something of a golf widow. But I accepted his interest and thought we were happy until she appeared on the scene. He gives private coaching and she asked him to help her with her golf and generally be her mentor. He agreed and since then they have become almost inseparable.
> 
> She is also a teacher, and so has time on her hands during vacations when she can and does play golf all day everyday. Mostly it turns out, with my husband. He did not tell me how often they were playing and by the time I found out, about 3 months ago, their relationship had escalated into a full scale emotional affair and embroiled my husband in a mid life crisis. I found out that they were seeing each other all the time during the week, in the summer vacation, and often he would lie about this to me, and also at weekends, when he plays in a foursome sometimes with her boyfriend and another older male friend. Also she was texting him at all hours of the day and night, mostly about golf but also very affectionate too.
> 
> ...


Does your husband have any self respect. This is a one way EA. obviously this woman is extremely selfish and is taking advantage of your husband. I doubt that this relationship will turn physical and unless this woman is desperate (which is sounds like she isn't) he is being used and is some ways abused. I am sure he is helping her financially or has in the past. Your husband is trying to buy her affections. This is ridiculous and your husband is willing to toss everything to be with this woman. Well fine let it happen. cut him off from your income totally. You cut him off totally. Lets see how long it takes for him to enjoy this woman with an empty home and nothing left for him at home. 
Now I will say this. I wouldn't count out a physical affair. I think this is just a spoiled young brat getting one over on the creepy old guy. But you never know who is crazy. I would hire an Private investigator. A good one will probably charge around 500 a young up and comer will probably charge you 100 - 200 dollars. Money well spent IMHO because you will have real tangible evidence, time, phone calls, and information he cannot deny.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

littlerockette said:


> To help me get my head straight and put some emotional distance into this, I would like among other things to understand her motives. It would certainly take the heat off trying to sort things out, even to an amicable separation, if she backed off but all the time she is pulling his strings it makes it harder.


Well she may see your husband as a friend with benefits. 

He spends money on her the boyfriend can't afford and she is a narcissist who feels she deserves this. 

Also in one marriage counseling book they talked about young OW who go after mid life crisis men. 

The book said they often have father issues. 

Or, they are groomed to have affairs by their fathers. 

The book said that these types of women often had an ill family member that the mother took care of and the husband felt neglected so he forged a close relationship with the daughter almost like a substitute wife. 

These woman hate their mother and see them as competition for their daddy's attention. 

When adults they have affairs with older men as a way to strike back at mommy and daddy too for feeling neglected or in competition. 

Weird. I know.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Power. It's about power. And control. You see, she now has the power over him to act on HER wishes over yours. That gives her a "rush". He is a puppet to her. He is allowing himself to be controlled by her. Why? Because, as you have mentioned, she is younger and gives him an ego boost. She knows this. This "ego boost" is the key.
> 
> In order to fix this, you may have to play hard ball with him. Tell your children about their father's new golf buddy and that it appears that your needs (and theirs) run second to this OW and her needs. Expose her by telling your children who she is. In short, what you are doing is attempting to pull your H back into the marital fold and away from this viper OW.
> 
> ...


. :iagree:


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

littlerockette said:


> At present even if I wanted to sell the house I could not, the market is dead. And 30 years is a long time and there is a lot of stuff to shift plus we run the business from here. So it will all take some working out and I need some emotional space to do that. Which I don't have right now. There is enough room to occupy pretty much our own spaces to for the time being at least while things get sorted. I am working on that.
> 
> Filing for divorce would not make much difference, I already suggested that and he basically shrugged. Said he would probably be OK. I think kipani is probably right, he just wants out and is looking for ways to force me to make the running.
> 
> ...



You might want to have your husband evaluated for Alzheimers. 

This disease often makes people hyper sexual. 

Also, if he is diagnosed with it, you can gain control over the finances on the basis that he is mentally incompetent. 

Your spouse sounds as if he has truly lost his mind.

It may be fog or it may be brain damage. 

Brain damage and proof of it can help your case financially.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

littlerockette said:


> I don't think the EA has got physical yet. I have seen them together and there is no sign at all that she fancies him. Indeed when her boyfriend is around they are always smooching. I think my husband just lives in hope.


so the boyfriend feels the need to mark his territory when in front of your husband.


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## littlerockette (Oct 3, 2012)

Thanks for all the comments so far. Just to reply to a few

During most of our marriage I was the major wage earner. My husband had little ambition and was happy, he said, to do intellectually satisfying but low paid jobs, support me and raise our son. However in his 50s he took up golf and found he had a gift for it, and in particular for teaching it. He is now in great demand as a coach and instructor and that is where most of our income now comes from.

I was always a hard headed business woman and my husband claimed to like that in me. But once he got settled in at the golf club, a different ethos took over. You would be surprised how many divorced, widowed and single people of a certain age play golf and are looking for a life partner. Although he is not wealthy, far from it, I am better off than he is, he has a lot of status there, as the "expert" and women in particular seek his advice. As did the subject of his current EA. I am sure he is flattered by the attention she pays him and this gets the envy of the other members.

However he has decided that the qualities she possesses, apart from youth and looks, are the ones he admires in a woman and probably should have admired originally when he took up with me which he now sees as a mistake. She is of course quite different to me but he perceives her as being much more compatible with him than I ever was, with hindsight, and I am sure the fog has descended and he now wishes he could turn back the clock and have his time again with her not me.

I have no doubt there is a mutual attraction there - he says they have a very special connection - but she is sensible enough to realise he would not be a good trade for her nice young boyfriend, and does not therefore let him express it. The most he has ever had, he tells me wistfully, is a peck on the check. That doesnot prevent her from seeking him out and frankly manipulating him.

Of course a lot of this is his fantasy in the fog. We were crazy about each other when we were young and it is ridiculous to say anything else, but from what I can gather about the fog, somehow part of it means that the past is wiped clean and they never really loved you in the first place. Whatever the facts.

Nor would he be alone long. We had a mutual friend at the club and I have not seen her for a while since her husband died. He told me that he had had a drink with her a couple of months back and alluded to the fact that things were tense at home. She then said that he was very welcome to move in with her at any time and if we did break up she would be the first in line. He said he was quite shocked as he had never thought of her like that. I was shocked as I thought she was a mutual friend.

Believe me he is not handsome or rich, just he has a sort of doctor/priest role to the unhappy women of the golf club and a number would take him on. 

I realise I have to make some major changes and am working on them. I just do not understand why this young woman is so determined to make my life a misery by playing with him like this when she already has a life partner. Ego boost does not really seem to cover it.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

....in some ways this is like my inappropriate friendship

....the young girl thrives on the attention

....your husband is reliving his youth, and feels impressed that a pretty young girl is willing to hang around him, and look up to him. And yes, I do imagine he fantasizes what it would be like to be her lover. And I bet she flirts enough with him to keep those thoughts encouraged.

No reason for him to stop at this point......in my case, everyone around us got stressed, including my friend's live in boyfriend.....since the BF in your case will not assist, you need to start taking action right now, before he emotionally detaches from you so much, that he will never be able to reattach. Having or not having sex with this young girl is really not significant to this situation.

You need to start to tell folks around you about this...especially family members. You also need to be very direct about this with the golf club....don't shy away from this....your marriage may end if you do not get seriously upset and take action. You also need to contact the girl's parents with what is going on.....there needs to be a lot of open accountability and exposure.

Your husband will be angry of course, and defensive, and blame you for everything.......but at the end if he leaves the marriage, he was too far gone, and you would know that you did your best to fight for the marriage. good luck. FYI I am 58 and friend was 27......don't ignore this stuff even with huge age differences....trust me on this one please.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

This litle wh0re is using your husband, have him under her thumb and he's making a fool of himself. It's tragic, really tragic. OW's BFF doesn't give a **** because he knows well OW, knows she loves attention but actualy doesn't give a crap about your husband.

I'm very sorry. Try not reason with him, discuss anything about the relationship nor OW. Try to detach.
Start with the 180, hard.
The 180 degree rules

And lawyer up.

What a shame your husbad has KISA complex.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Oh what a tragic story. I am so sorry about all of this.

Yes, those golf courses are FULL of single women looking for MEN...uggg....ex was a BIG golfer & we would go to the clubhouse bar on Friday nights & there would be TABLES of women all dressed up clubbing.....

Your H thinks he is in love with this woman who is using him for God knows what. Please stop wasting your energy trying to figure out her motives.

Personally, I would be divorced 2 thread pages ago, but if you want to stay & wait out his affair, that is your choice.

I do like one poster's ideas in this thread about going to the golf course & messing with him. I would make a big show by bringing my girlfriends (for support) hugging & kissing on him while giving the OW my best smile 

Good luck; you seem like a smart one.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP, all I see are a load of excuses from you, from why you don't turf his arse out to why you won't put a halt to this affair; you have the power to do one, the other, or both of these things! Can't you see that your husband is making a fool out of you? Don't allow that to continue.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

littlerockette said:


> I realise I have to make some major changes and am working on them. I just do not understand why this young woman is so determined to make my life a misery by playing with him like this when she already has a life partner. Ego boost does not really seem to cover it.


She likely has daddy issues and is very competitive with ALL women. 

As for your husband. As another member here has as a tag line: 

"People don't choose to NOT cheat because of lack of opportunity. 

They choose to NOT cheat because of integrity."

All people have the opportunity to cheat. And, if one is looking for it, the opportunity is greater because others can see they lack boundaries. 

So don't blame this women, blame your husband. He let this predator in.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Read the threads / posts of Michelle C if you want some insight into why a young woman would do such an evil thing to an older married man.Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Michelle C (Click the statistics tab. Her first thread goes into the most detail.)

If no one has recommended it yet, read the books Not Just Friends (Shirley Glass) and Surviving an Affair (Dr. Harley). Not Just Friends is the best book out there and will appeal to your intelligence. I suspect there is a physical element to this affair because of how incredibly powerful his infatuation seems to be. No offense, but it isn't that hard to give someone a BJ, lapdance, or handjob in the woods or the backseat of a car. Or pehaps she sends him naughty pictures somehow.

You also know this is "fake" and an affair fog because of his claims that he never really loved you and that this woman has awakened something in him he's "never" known. No, he's just 62 and hasn't felt the sensation of infatuation in 20 or 30 years. Infatuation is NOT love--it's a biological trick to perpetuate the species. He's just been taken over by his hormones.

I also concur with others who suggest you start telling the TRUTH to anyone who will listen--if you have grown children--get them on your side. If he has siblings, parents still living, etc. EXPOSE these shenanigans. Why are YOU humiliated? Not a single person who hears this story is going to say that you deserved this somehow. They may pity you, but it is very tragic, so that's to be expected. What they are going to think is that your husband is a silly old man (I'm not so far away from him in age, so I can say that) who is being led around by his d*ck.

He has you over a barrel financially--you are in a situation where it's shut up and take it because you aren't willing to head down that path. But that is where the big guns lie. You can always pull back, most divorces don't go through. When his golf club membership gets cancelled because he's getting divorced, then he may finally sit up and take notice. He doesn't need to play golf any more, anyhow, since he obviously uses it as an escape to keep from giving you the love, energy, and attention you deserve.

When someone is in this deep, generally 'shock and awe' are the tactics that need to be undertaken. You have already been brave enough to tell her fiance. Time to play detective and gather HARD evidence. Find someone to follow him around and take pictures. Figure out how to keylog your computer, document with ONLINE cell phone records (the paper bills don't show the detail), etc. When you have enough, tell the fiance again.

Somewhere she has a soft underbelly. Does she work for a living? Are her parents alive? Again, you can't go about this like a crazy person or everyone will dismiss you. You are a level-headed business woman. You will find a way.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

I have to agree with CandieGirl here. Rockette, it’s no mystery why this woman is doing this: quite simply, because she CAN. What I mean by that is, you aren’t willing to do anything about it so….why SHOULDN”T the other woman continue her activities? Your husband flat out tells you that the moment he sees even a glimmer of opportunity to be with this woman he will leave you, and you did absolutely nothing about it (EDIT: Let me correct myself. It took a lot of courage to contact the OW's fiance, which I admire and support. BUT...the short and sweet of it is, that tactic, while brave, was not affective. It SHOULD have been, but it wasn't). This other woman gets off on the attention and power she has over a grown man (and I suspect she gets a real thrill from overpowering you and dominating you through your fear of action and subsequent lack of action). Until you are ready to stop being used and thrown away, until you actually get mad enough to DO SOMETHING about it, this will continue. And it won’t just be THIS woman. The next woman will also be young and your middle aged crisis husband will have a special relationship he never could have thought possible with her too. Your husband is in midlife crisis mode: he is getting off on other woman finding him attractive, and the younger the better (for his ego, at any rate). When there are no consequences to bad behavior, why would you think it would stop?
When you are done talking yourself out of action….when you can stop convincing yourself that you are powerless…..when you are ready to stop thinking up any and all excuses to justify a lack of action…………when you finally have had your fill of being degraded, abused, and tossed aside….THEN you will be able to put a stop to this or have an effect on this situation. Until then, both your husband and the other woman view you as a gnat buzzing around them from time to time: an annoyance but nothing that could harm them or hurt them; certainly nothing that resembles a threat to their relationship. Stop being a gnat and become a hornet! Others may disagree, but at this stage you really have two choices:

1.	Continue to do absolutely nothing, and see the exact same results you have been seeing.
2.	Do SOMETHING, and see different results (SOMETHING might entail filing divorce papers, going to the golf course, INFORMING YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS IN A BIG WAY, kicking him out of the house, chatting with the golf course manager, etc.).
I particularly like the other posters suggestions about going to the golf course. ****roaches scatter when the lights are turned on, and cheaters, manipulators, and liars HATE being exposed, particularly in front of a crowd. They operate best preying on the weak and easily dominated, and working behind the scenes in secret is their forte. So take that away from them. Follow them around the golf course. Bring a nice digital camera and constantly take pictures to memorialize the event. Bring your girlfriends and ask them to bring their husbands with them. Make it EXTREMELY AKWARD for this OW. Ask her in front of this group “So where is your fiancé?”. Make her reveal her true face: a pathetic loser who gets off manipulating older men. Your husband will be put on the spot in front of these other husbands. Hell, grab onto his arm and hug him and say very loudly while looking directly into the other woman’s eyes (in front of everyone of course) “Wow, it’s been 30 wonderful years together. What a history, what a life together we have built!”. Get your girlfriends to ask, every 5 minutes or so , “So, where is your husband”, “Are you married?”, “Wow you are still single?”. That will bug the ever loving crap out of her. 
As it is now, and I don’t mean to be harsh, you are adopting the same mindset as your husband (you are in your own fog, so to speak): wishfully thinking it will just go away (or in your husband’s case, wishfully thinking that “it will happen”). Neither of you are right, and both of you are being completely dominated and controlled by this other woman. It’s fight or flight time: which one will you chose?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Also, he COULD be having sex with her. You don't seem to think so, but you really don't know.

Please do NOT have sex with him because you could get an STD.


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## BKG (Feb 22, 2013)

I understand your pain. I've been there and we are still recovering - my 59 year old husband had an emotional affair with a 19 year old girl from church last year - infatuated, smitten - he used those words. But it is A SECRET. She did not feel the same way - thought he was just a supportive "friend" - actually a friend of our daughter's. Have been in counseling for a year -he is getting his own therapeutic help. But he is worried about anyone finding out. Yet we have to avoid church because I know he still harbors this infatuation. Bottom line - at least he is trying, but your husband isn't. What is in this for you? You have a life to live. Now get an attorney and work out a plan. Make sure you have an attorney who can advise you. You are a smart woman and worth more than this guy. Please do this for yourself. Your self esteem sounds so low and he has obviously made sure you don't think you can do anything and doesn't care. So you need to make careful plans for money and business. Get a job somewhere else. You will be so much better off. You did nothing to deserve this - he needs to get his own mental health assessed - you need to help yourself. this is what I am learning. Please do not discount getting an attorney.


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## BKG (Feb 22, 2013)

Oh, and I kind of like the posts about going to the golf club. You could discuss all the ills that go along with being as old as he is - and make sure you mention his age, health problems (prostate, going to the bathroom a lot at night, etc.) Anything physically embarrassing. 30 year old women don't want to think of old guy health problems you know.....


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Littlerockette, I feel for you, I really do. It is beyond sad that you spent 30 years with a man that "never loved you".
Did he actually stated that if she had him, he would live you right away, even if it would just last a few weeks it would be worth it ? Were these his words, or is it how you feel ? For if he said that, I can't see how you didn't drop him like a hot potato in that very instant. He checked out of this marriage, and according to him saying that never loved you, didn't even ever check in. 
Yes, I too believe she doesn't fancy a man 30 years older. She just enjoys having a puppy and the power it gives her. It doesn't matter. If this affair is not physical, it is not his merrit. So you can consider it physical-if she gave a signal, he'd jump on top of her. 
If it's PA or not is not the point. He is in love with another woman and wants to be with her not you. Even if the marriage survives this episode, you will probably be left with feelings of unworthiness, damaged self confidence, and painful humiliation as a woman. Do not set yourself up for that.
Start ignoring him. Stop being a wife : don't cook for him anymore, don't iron his clothes, don't do him any services, nothing.Let his dear Barbie do these from now on. File for divorce and start spending time on yourself. This 180 will not get him back, but it will get you your pride and dignity back. Let's see how he's gonna feel when he's tired of following that ***around in vain for a while, and he wakes up alone , looking like a fool.
I know that at your age you may be worried that you won't find someone else and you'll remain alone. It doesn't necessarily have to happen like that, but know what ? " Mejor sola que mal acompaniada"-that's Spanish for "better alone than in the wrong company." Nobody deserves to be treated so worthlessly.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

II would then him to get out of the house. I can't say the marriage is clearly over, but you need to do something. This is simply unacceptable. I'd first see a lawyer and evaluate options. I'd consider calling her up and saying you want him, you got him. (she apparently gets a kick out of having various men vie for her). 

I disagree about telling your children; this is not their problem and I'm not a big believer in trasing spouses.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*Zombie thread*


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

I only came across this website yesterday. I am going through a similar situation as littlerockette. I am very interested in what your situation is now, littlerockette.
Your original post is very useful to me. I feel as if I am not alone.
My wonderful husband and I have been married for over 40 years. But this means nothing to him right now, as he is embroiled in an EA with a young Asian woman. I am finding the situation to be frightening and destructive to our marriage.
My husband has changed beyond all recognition. He has always been the most stable person that I have ever known ... but these days he is anxious, agitated, and argumentative -- but only with me, of course. His behaviour now borders on arrogant.
This EA is clouding his judgement, and turned him into a liar.
I had no idea that he was in love with someone else. I only discovered this when - after wondering why he was behaving oddly - I managed to get into his emails. 
He told her that he had been unhappy for over 20 years, and that all our children wanted him to divorce me so that he could be free and happy.
On reading this I was devastated.
(And to those of you who may criticise me for reading his emails ... well, I feel no guilt whatsoever. His behaviour was so bewildering and bizarre that I had to find out what was wrong. What I read sent me into shock).
I will post further details of my situation later, but for now, I would really like to know how littlerockette is getting on. I don't know what the future holds for me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

disconnected, this a zombie thread.
littlerockette didn't came back after she posted her story a few months ago and its unlikely she's going to come back to respond you.
Please, start your own thread, explain your story (You just need to copy and paste your post). People her cares, you will get advice and support very soon.


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