# Advice needed



## Harvey85 (7 mo ago)

Hi, I've been with my partner for 15 and we have 2 children together. She's been emotionally controlling and abusive to me for a number of years, although at the time I didn't realise it was actually happening or even that bad. I just accepted it and this has really chipped away at my confidence and self esteem.

I've been wanting to seperate for a while and I told her a while back I wasn't in love anymore. She begged me to stay saying I would ruin our 2 boys lives, so I ended up staying.

Anyway, I now know I need to leave. And I'm putting plans in place, looking at flats etc. I feel very guilty for making plans to leave behind her back. 

I just wanted to make it easier for me when I make the jump, so that I have somewhere to go straight away.

Why do I feel so worried about her feelings ahead of my own? I feel like Im scared to tell her I definitely want out


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are scared because change is scary & you don't want to see your kids hurt. Still you have to do what's best even if it's difficult / painful


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Harvey85 said:


> Hi, I've been with my partner for 15 and we have 2 children together. She's been emotionally controlling and abusive to me for a number of years, although at the time I didn't realise it was actually happening or even that bad. I just accepted it and this has really chipped away at my confidence and self esteem.
> 
> I've been wanting to seperate for a while and I told her a while back I wasn't in love anymore. She begged me to stay saying I would ruin our 2 boys lives, so I ended up staying.
> 
> ...


It's better for you to get out while you are still young. Please don't wait to make the changes you need. It doesn't get any better the longer you wait, as I know from experience.

Please know that waiting till the kids are all grown up, and out from under your care, doesn't help either. Actually, it makes things more difficult.

Yes, change is very scary, but do yourself a favor and do it sooner rather than later. The earlier you start over the better IMHO.

I wish you all the best!


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## Harvey85 (7 mo ago)

Thanks. I know I want to leave.

But it feels like the fear and anxiety of leaving the relationship is overwhelming me.

I feel stuck


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Staying so you can get more of what you’ve gotten gets you what? 
Being a martyr is hard thankless work. You have a choice. A lot just can’t make a decision so they just stay.
It is your choice. Living on hopium that she’ll change perhaps.
Most people past a certain age don’t change plus you are teaching your kids what? They learn most from their parents.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Harvey85 said:


> Thanks. I know I want to leave.
> 
> But it feels like the fear and anxiety of leaving the relationship is overwhelming me.
> 
> I feel stuck


Just rip that band-aid off. The fear and anxiety won't get any better the longer you wait. Trust me, I've stayed WAY TOO LONG myself and regret it!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Harvey85 said:


> Thanks. I know I want to leave.
> 
> But it feels like the fear and anxiety of leaving the relationship is overwhelming me.
> 
> I feel stuck


Don't tell me this is the first time in your life you've been scared of something!

In the end, it always comes down to balance...when the fear of inaction overcomes the fear of action.

In other words, when you want to leave bad enough, you will.
Until then you'll whine about what you think you want, but without doing anything about it.

Be a man, face your fears, and stop letting irrational bs cloud your thoughts.
Or don't. Your call.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You'll start to feel better once you've put it on the table to her and begin settling into your new life.

If she has continued the same behavior after you told her it didn't work before, you know she won't change.

Be prepared for her to try to convince you to stay again.

If she blames you, just turn it around and tell her it was her behavior that ended the marriage and stick to your guns.

Focus on what is best for your children first (in the divorce), then what is best for you. Modeling a non-loving environment between parents doesn't do your children any good....


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

You asked for advice.

See a good therapist, beginning yesterday... and definitely leave her.

See an attorney too, I hope you already have as you shouldn't be moving into another place BEFORE discussing it with an attorney.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Harvey85 said:


> Hi, I've been with my partner for 15 and we have 2 children together. She's been emotionally controlling and abusive to me for a number of years, although at the time I didn't realise it was actually happening or even that bad. I just accepted it and this has really chipped away at my confidence and self esteem.
> 
> I've been wanting to seperate for a while and I told her a while back I wasn't in love anymore. She begged me to stay saying I would ruin our 2 boys lives, so I ended up staying.
> 
> ...


And, just to be certain, there have been no emotional or physical feelings towards other women? There's no fog you need to clear out before making such a big decision?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

How old are your kids?


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