# Should I marry him after 5-6 years living together without passion.



## together2011ca (Jan 22, 2012)

We've been together for 6 years. He is my first boyfriend. Before 25, I put all my efforts on study. Traveled to different countries for my degrees. In 2005, we met in another country, we had kisses and afterward he kept calling me. I was touched and then I moved to his city in Canada to see if we could work out in 2006. I made a mistake here. When he asked to live together, I agreed. So, we don't have the romantic dating period.

In the first year, we had lots argue and I never felt fell in love with him, or I never knew what is falling in love. He always apologize after our argument. I made another mistake here, I was still only focusing on studying and working, never thought about our relationship. Just stayed with him.

From the second year, our argue got less and less. We got alone well, like a family. But I started to not will to have sex or kiss with him.

Now I am turning 31, he is 31. When he talked about getting married, I felt so scared and told him I am not sure if I want to marry him. He is a very good man, kind, nice. But I just don't feel the passion.

My questions are:
1. After living together for 5-6 years, do you still feel passion to your partner. Do you still want to kiss them, I mean the long kiss?

2. We don't have good sex. I never had climax when we had sex. Is there a possible way to fix this?

I regretted a lot that I only thought about career and study in the past years. I feel scared for breaking up at my age since I want 2 children. I also felt extremely sorry to him. I really don't know what to do at this stage, break up or get married?

Please help me, I don't have much relationship experience and your opinions are very valuable to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you should still feel passion for your partner after 5-6 years. It’s different than when first together during the ‘honeymoon period’ but there should be passion. And yes you should still want to kiss.. have long passionate kisses.
Yes it’s possible to fix not climaxing. Have you ever had climax? Do you mean that you don’t climax during intercourse? Or do you two try other ways to climax and it still never happens. Most women do not get climaxes from intercourse alone.

It sounds like you care for him but have no passion for him and never had any passion for him. There might be a way to build passion but it would take both of you working at it.


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## together2011ca (Jan 22, 2012)

Thanks you EleGirl.

I had climax, but it was by masturbation. Never with him. 

Yes, I do care about him. We've been living together for so many years, I trust him and he is like a family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your partner complain that he has lost passion as well?
A lot of times relationships lose passion because the couple does not spend enough time together, at least 15 hours a week, and do not make meeting each other’s needs a priority. Look at the links for building a passionate marriage in my signature block below. They are for books that could help you a lot. Since you obviously care for him a lot and it sounds like he’s a very good man it is worth putting some time into the relationship. Say if you two work on the exercises in the book and give it 3-6 months. If you can rekindle, or even create new passions then you have a solid relationship that you can go forward with.

If on the other hand, after all of that nothing improves then, no it’s probably best to not marry him. 

About climaxing… this site has some good advise.
Ways for a woman to orgasm during intercourse | Go Ask Alice!

Does your partner do anything like oral or use his hand to stimulate you for a climax?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What are you, Victorian Brits?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> What are you, Victorian Brits?


Ouch :scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do not marry him. He is not the one. Just because you have been together for 6 years, doesn't mean you have to marry him.

Thank GOD you have seen how things are before you marry him and get stuck with no passion for the rest of your life.

Nothing wrong with him not being the one. It doesn't make you bad people...just not right for each other.

I've been with Hubs for 4 years now and he still makes me tingle all over just by looking at him.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

together2011ca said:


> We've been together for 6 years. He is my first boyfriend. Before 25, I put all my efforts on study. Traveled to different countries for my degrees. In 2005, we met in another country, we had kisses and afterward he kept calling me. I was touched and then I moved to his city in Canada to see if we could work out in 2006. I made a mistake here. When he asked to live together, I agreed. So, we don't have the romantic dating period.
> 
> In the first year, we had lots argue and I never felt fell in love with him, or I never knew what is falling in love. He always apologize after our argument. I made another mistake here, I was still only focusing on studying and working, never thought about our relationship. Just stayed with him.
> 
> ...


Don't marry this man. He doesn't sound like a bad man, but you're thinking of marriage for the wrong reasons. You're settling because you feel you've reached a stage in your life when you_ should _get married. Put away the shoulds, "I must get married because I'm 31 years old", "this is what you do after you finish your studies" kind of talk. Think logically about this. You like him more as a good friend than as a potential spouse. The difference between a friend and a romantic partner is desire. You don't feel any desire for this man. Do you really want to go through 30-40 years of this? It's not fair to him either. He deserves someone who loves him the way he should be loved. However, if your idea of marriage doesn't involve romantic love or desire, this man sounds like he would be the perfect spouse for you.

Feeling sorry for someone is never a reason to get married. Why should you sacrifice your future happiness that way? 
Getting married to the wrong man can make you miserable. You already have some clear signs that married life with him won't make you happy.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

No, don't marry him. The relationship you describe doesn't sound like long term material. Really, can you see yourself growing old with this person? Marrying him when you are not truly in love with him is not fair to you or to him. Let him go - both of you deserve to be with someone you are in love with and who loves you in return. He may be hurt now but not as much as if you marry him and decide a few years and kids down the road you can't take it anymore.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You could have been my wife 20 years ago. EXACTLY (except I don't think she can climax on her own, either). Do HIM a favor. Leave him.


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## lenidee (Apr 20, 2012)

together2011ca said:


> We've been together for 6 years. He is my first boyfriend. Before 25, I put all my efforts on study. Traveled to different countries for my degrees. In 2005, we met in another country, we had kisses and afterward he kept calling me. I was touched and then I moved to his city in Canada to see if we could work out in 2006. I made a mistake here. When he asked to live together, I agreed. So, we don't have the romantic dating period.
> 
> In the first year, we had lots argue and I never felt fell in love with him, or I never knew what is falling in love. He always apologize after our argument. I made another mistake here, I was still only focusing on studying and working, never thought about our relationship. Just stayed with him.
> 
> ...


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Do not marry him. He is not the one. Just because you have been together for 6 years, doesn't mean you have to marry him.
> 
> Thank GOD you have seen how things are before you marry him and get stuck with no passion for the rest of your life.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I have been with my husband for five and I want to kiss him all the time. You can only marry this man if sex and passion is not important to you.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Before even reading your post, I had my answer. The tone in your title says it all. I don't know anyone that would marry someone if they didn't have that "spark". Sure it can fade away the longer you are married, but starting without it... I can't understand that.


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## involedfather (Jan 13, 2012)

Thumbs down on the marriage. It'll be bad for you and bad for him.

I'd also say... MOVE OUT! You two sound more like friends sharing a flat than lovers, like Will and Grace or something. If you don't know after 5 years then you really do know, it means it's not there.

Seriously, there's better for both of you. I'm not saying you're bad, I'm sure you're great, but just not for him and vice-versa.

Leaving is a win-win long term.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Maybe she doesn't want to walk away from a decent guy, because they are hard to find. He looks good on paper but if there is no passion, what kind of marriage will they have? One that is just for appearances and having children? Sounds very empty and sad to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's like saying, "Should I buy these size 4 pants even though I will NEVER fit in them?"

No. It would be a waste of money and time.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You still have PLENTY of time to have children. I had my beautiful, healthy daughter at age 40, one of my best friend's had her beautiful healthy daughter at age 41, another friend had her beautiful, healthy daughter at age 42.

Don't rush to marry because you want children. YOU have NOT run out of time to be a mother.

Good luck!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

She still has a lot of time, however having a baby past the age of forty can lead to Down Syndrome. I am not saying that to be mean, it is just a fact. 

While I am well aware that healthy babies can be born to older mothers, pregnancy is more risky after a certain age. 

Pregnancy after 35 | Pregnancy | March of Dimes


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, 35 was my cutoff just for my own sanity.

But she still have plenty of time.

And from experience, life can change within one hour....so much can happen in a month or 6 or a year. What we are freaking out about right now, is usually not even on our minds after a while.

I was 31 and wondering if I was just meant to be single and raise my kid. Within 5 months, I was in love and pregnant :rofl:

Life is awesome that way.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I know right? I was a raging feminazi at 22, having casual sex and living in a studio apartment. Six years later, I did what I swore I would never do-marry and happily take my husband's surname. None of the one night stands compare to the joy of married sex.


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## together2011ca (Jan 22, 2012)

I want to update my status because I want to help others who have similar problems.

It has been over half a year since my posting. Thanks everyone here for your posting. Your posts helped a lot! 

We broke up in the beginning of this year. I had a couple months' miserable time: very scared and painful.

After that, I decided to buy a new place and registered online dating sites. I met a few good guys and I am seeing one of them exclusively now. I like him a lot, we have great passion and good sex I never had in my life. I miss him when we are not together. I admire many of his traits. He can make me happy and laugh. Most important, I can watch his eyes and feel peacefully, which I never could with ex. Over all, very different experience.

My ex found a girl too. I don't know the details, but I saw their photos on facebook and I felt so happy for him. It is interesting that I don't feel jealous at all. 

When I look back, breaking up was definitely a good idea for me. I wish we broke up earlier. 

My conclusion: Don't stay with someone because you think you should or just for the sake of marriage. I saw some bad marriage around me, many of their reason for marriage was "we thought we should get married". 

I think the only reason you are going to stay with a person and get married is "I love this person and I can see we grow up together. I want to spend my rest of life with her/him and I know I will be very happy". 

Good luck and many thanks !


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm glad to hear that you're in a better place now. Him too. Thanks for coming back to update. So often people don't update and you wonder whatever happened to the person or couple.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

are you serious?

NO

do you want a divorce is 5 years? If so than marry him. 

You need Passion, Intimacy, Commitment. That is what is considered to be the "true love" aka consummate love. If you truly have those 3 your love wont fail. So its safe to say most people in marriage DO NOT HAVE THOSE.

Move on


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Goldmember357 said:


> are you serious?
> 
> NO
> 
> ...


Clearly you didn't read her last post. Do people only read the first post and then hit reply? It would be so nice if everyone took the time to read the entire thread instead of jumping to post a reply as soon as they read the original post. If you read her last post which is above my last post you'll see that she broke up with him months ago and is in a new, better relationship with another man.


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## callmejo (Sep 9, 2012)

Thank you so, so much for this post, and updating us. I am in a very similar situation, but we have a daughter. I am not attracted to my husband and not in love with him. There is no passion on my end. Never had butterflies in my stomach, never desire him. But, I married him after getting pregnant, and stayed with him as long as I did because I thought I could see past the no attraction thing and I thought I could eventually fall in love with him. But after 5 years and lots of praying that I would fall in love, I'm still not in love with him and have made the decision to divorce him and try to find my own happiness. The fact that his personality has changed drastically over the past few years helped me make my decision, too. He is becoming a little controlling, is argumentative, talks to me with an attitude much of the time, has a temper problem, haz zero patience, and is definitely not "world's greatest dad".

Hearing your story that is very similar to mine makes me feel better about my decision. I feel like my husband may love me, but his actions tell me otherwise. If he does love me, he has a strange way of showing it. My biggest fear is that I will feel so sorry for him and he will make me feel guilty for leaving him. 

I really hope that things will work out for both of us like they worked out for you and that he will find someone else so I don't have to feel so bad for him. (Even though I shouldn't feel bad for him because is an a-hole a lot of the time.)

Thanks again.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MrK said:


> You could have been my wife 20 years ago. EXACTLY (except I don't think she can climax on her own, either). Do HIM a favor. Leave him.


How arrogant, quoting myself.

Please women. I understand that your parents didn't tell you about it either. We men aren't the only ones getting hit with it from left field. It must SUCK to be with a man for years only to realize you don't now, or maybe never did love him. But once it happens, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

Congrats OP. You fixed two lives. Four if you count the two people you are now both happy with.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Together, SO HAPPY to hear your life has moved forward in a positive way!

It's always good to hear someone's HAPPY NEWS on TAM. Hope you're going to stick around here on TAM and offer other people support and your words of wisdom (because you've BEEN THERE and DONE THAT.)

Congratulations!


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