# Are you a different person now than you were 20 years ago?



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Are you _really?_

Mrs. Noman tossed the _I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago_ hissing stick of dynamite at me a few months ago & believe it or not I was foolish enough to catch it.

At least _I _think it was foolish as I don't think either of us have fundamentally changed since we've met, and I'm betting that most people don't change much, fundamentally, except they get older & have new experiences.

Please advise...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

It depends upon the person and their life experiences, environment, their mental and physical health.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

I think most people find a path to tread in life and then go further along that path. In my experience, they don't often deviate from it. So do people change? Yeah, that path includes various decisions and experiences that will change you fundamentally as a person. After years of being on this floating rock, you might look in the mirror and see someone who is completely different than the person you saw 20 years ago. At least I do.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

life is a process I am not the same person that I was 20 / 30 YEARS ago and would not want to be don't have the same needs now the same fears the same drive now , we mature and grow up and if you live with the same person for that time part of them rubs off on you and the other way around ,


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think my values are the same but I'm more confident & much calmer / less anxious.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Yes, I am different. There are things I did or did not do 20 years ago that I regret now.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not the same, very very different.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

romantic_dreamer said:


> Yes, I am different. There are things I did or did not do 20 years ago that I regret now.


"If I knew then what I know now." I think everyone feels that way from time to time.

I'm thinking of the more fundamental things.

Like Ted Bundy, when they French fried him, I'm guessing he was still a serial killer at heart.

And a person I know who is a serial philanderer. I'm sure he still is, even though he may no longer be able to do the deed.


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## adaptivesoda (Aug 19, 2021)

More intelligent and educated - yes. But still broken emotionally - that hasn't changed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

In many ways, yes. In others…

…geez, I hope not.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Noman said:


> Mrs. Noman tossed the _I'm not the same person I was 20 years ago_ hissing stick of dynamite at me a few months ago & believe it or not I was foolish enough to catch it.


Would you care to expound on ^^this^^. It's rather vague, to say the least.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

While I've changed in many ways, fundamentally I'm the same person I was 20 years ago, and also want mostly the same things from life that I wanted back then.


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## The IT Guy (Oct 17, 2020)

I've learned a number of hard lessons since then so I'm far from the person I was then.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

20 years back I was a Christian that tried my best to keep the commandments and wedding vows.
After a horrible divorce ......... and everyone I knew pooping on me ........
I'm living in a Buddhist world, and don't believe at all, in anything.
Except enjoying what remains of my life.

So I'd say different.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Would you care to expound on ^^this^^. It's rather vague, to say the least.


There's nothing to expound on, really, she used the "I'm not the same person I was x years ago," card on me & instead of saying, "Yes you are," I let her get away with it by accepting the statement.

I really don't think she's much different now than she was then. She was a nice person then & is a nice person now.

Certainly she has more life experience but fundamentally she's the same gal I married.

I don't remember what we were talking about when she said it, if that's what you're wondering.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Noman said:


> she used the "I'm not the same person I was x years ago," card





Noman said:


> I really don't think she's much different now than she was then.


She played the "card" but you don't remember any of the conversation that transpired when she played it.

And apparently she begs to differ with your assessment regarding her being the same.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think any of us are are we? 20 years is a long time.

Turns out I don't know everything, like I thought I did back then, pmsl. And there's a whole lot of grey between the black and white.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> She played the "card" but you don't remember any of the conversation that transpired when she played it.
> 
> And apparently she begs to differ with your assessment regarding her being the same.


No, it was just a redirection tactic, pretty standard stuff. I don't she believed it anymore than I did.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I'm a bit confused. Did she mean you are not the same person as 20 years ago or that SHE HERSELF is not the same person as 20 years ago?

If the former, maybe she feels disappointed in your provision, accomplishments, etc.? Like you didn't live up to your potential somehow or didn't support your family well enough somehow?

I fundamentally have not changed in 20 years (when I was already a father). I still strive to maintain a good career but prioritize my family. I'm still generous to those closest to me. I still have a good work ethic and perform accordingly.

Where I have changed is in being more secure in myself. I don't judge myself in comparison to other people nor allow it done to me.. Like, my XW used to complain her car or our house wasn't nice enough and I'd let it bother me. Now, I'd say it's time to roll up your sleeves / get a better job.

I'll still listen to genuinely constructive input but no longer just respond to demands or criticism.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

The bedrock of my personality has been the same since roughly kindergarten. I know more. I have more emotional intelligence. I can do more things. BUT whether I prefer crowds or solitude, how I react to conflict, the kinds of hobbies I gravitate to, my overall philosophy of life has been pretty consistent for damn near 4 decades. 

Some people can have epiphanies that change their life and some go through bigger changes in personality as they mature but the core of who they are is rarely transformed, I think.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

DTO said:


> I'm a bit confused. Did she mean you are not the same person as 20 years ago or that SHE HERSELF is not the same person as 20 years ago?
> 
> If the former, maybe she feels disappointed in your provision, accomplishments, etc.? Like you didn't live up to your potential somehow or didn't support your family well enough somehow?
> 
> ...


1. She claimed SHE wasn't the same person. You know what, if she's correct, I think I've been duped and could be living with a very dangerous person. An imposter.

2. Well, of course she's disappointed, I'm her _husband _and that's part of the job description. But seriously, I've done my best to be a good provider, sadly we're not always masters of our destiny or I would writing this from my private jet & not from the Commodore 64 in my home office.

BUT, I stuck around to help raise our kids, I made the life-long commitment, I'm the man....

3. I, too, am fundamentally the same, I think. More secure in myself? I think so, although repeated kicks to the crotch by life has made me aware that how much I DON'T know is much greater than how much I DO know. Ah, the arrogance of youth...how I miss the days of knowing everything.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Hiner112 said:


> The bedrock of my personality has been the same since roughly kindergarten. I know more. I have more emotional intelligence. I can do more things. BUT whether I prefer crowds or solitude, how I react to conflict, the kinds of hobbies I gravitate to, my overall philosophy of life has been pretty consistent for damn near 4 decades.
> 
> Some people can have epiphanies that change their life and some go through bigger changes in personality as they mature but the core of who they are is rarely transformed, I think.


An eloquently stated reply & one that I would say matches my thoughts almost exactly.

You win the prize! Just PM me your SSN, DOB and Full Name & I will transfer $40,000,000 in Nigerian Naira to your account tomorrow morning.

Seriously, though:
1. Do your prefer crowds or solitude?
I love being around people & having interesting conversations. Oddly, I only recently learned Mrs. Noman is a bit of an empath & doesn't like crowds.

2. What hobbies do you gravitate to?
My favorite hobby is asking personal questions of people, whether I know them or not. I could have been another Charles Kuralt. Without the second family.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Noman said:


> An eloquently stated reply & one that I would say matches my thoughts almost exactly.
> 
> You win the prize! Just PM me your SSN, DOB and Full Name & I will transfer $40,000,000 in Nigerian Naira to your account tomorrow morning.
> 
> ...


I hands down prefer solitude.

Some of the hobbies that I gravitate towards include reading, building things, and movies.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Am I the same person that I was twenty years ago? 

I sure hope not. What's the phrase, "if you're not growing you're dying".

There are quite a few things that haven't changed nor ever will. However that wasn't the question, the question was "the same person". 

I hope I continue to evolve and grow along my journey.


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## NTA (Mar 28, 2021)

My methods of handling situations have changed. I'm a lot calmer since I expect less ......another way of saying I trust less as well. I realize there are situations in which you can't have both, ie remaining friends with the same people who want to be friends with my exH. I also more readily defend myself, something that my parents admonished whenever. For this reason, I don't share a lot with my family. The less they know, the less they have to ridicule.
I don't respond to anything that I feel is trying to bait me. And for those who think that I was too harsh about something, I quietly think "**** you."


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Noman said:


> 1. She claimed SHE wasn't the same person. You know what, if she's correct, I think I've been duped and could be living with a very dangerous person. An imposter.
> 
> 2. Well, of course she's disappointed, I'm her _husband _and that's part of the job description. But seriously, I've done my best to be a good provider, sadly we're not always masters of our destiny or I would writing this from my private jet & not from the Commodore 64 in my home office.
> 
> ...


A couple of pieces of advice: first, if she's undergone a radical shift if goals or beliefs then she needs to own it and not make it your fault for not transitioning along with her. Like, if she suddenly found religion and you don't buy in, it's unfair to hold you accountable for you guys having differences.

Second, if she's dumping on you because you haven't done enough with your life, you need to (1) examine yourself to see if that's true and (2) compare your accomplishments in relation to what she has or has not done with her time and energy. She doesn't get to criticize someone who has accomplished more than she herself has.


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## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

This article came to mind when I read your original post.









Personality Can Change Over A Lifetime, And Usually For The Better


Psychologists have been arguing for decades over whether personality traits are real or a myth. More recent research shows that traits are real, a scientist says, and have a big effect on behavior.




www.npr.org





For me personally, at 43 I am light years different than 23 year old me. I was ultra-conservative, ignorant, and arrogant, and slovenly, but also bolder, and in some ways more comfortable in my own skin back then. I just thought I was the best thing to ever happen to the universe. 20 years of humbling experiences, one divorce and raising four children has taught me to be grateful, and curious, and also to be nicer to myself, not to expect to be the best thing to happen to the universe. Most of this has been growth, but some of it is just getting older and slower. 

So yeah, I've changed, a lot. I see pictures of 23 year old me and I really don't think I'd hang out with that little twit. And you've likely changed as well. I hope that your wife acknowledges all the ways you've grown, not just the habits and value changes that she doesn't like.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't think they change much in the ways most spouses WISH they would. I mean, survival and life experiences certainly shape you, but your basic personality will be the same. 

Never was I so sure of this as when my dad lost his mental capacity 15 years before his body gave out and had to be put in a home. He didn't know who his kids were. He didn't know who his ex-wife was (really pissed her off because he thought since she was old, she must be his mother, and they looked nothing alike). He thought he was about 19 years old, but his basic personality was the same. He had the same sense of humor. He was still fixated on wanting to buy and sell cars (his hobby, never his actual employment) and thought the nursing home was his place of work and that the cars outside were for sale. He was inappropriate with any young women who either worked there or came to visit. Just like normal. 

He introduced me and my aunt to the old lady sleeping slumped over to the side on the same couch as him as his "coworker." He thought the nursing home manager's office was the loan office. 

One day he was in a wheelchair and we were sitting in the lobby. He was facing the big window behind me when he saw a man walking towards the front door. He whirled the wheelchair around and took off as fast as he could, looked back over his shoulder and with a sly smile said, "If they can't catch you, they can't serve you." 

The basic personality is the same. People may get more serious and less frivolous or whatever, but no real big changes personalitywise, I don't think, unless they have a head injury. That's another story (my mom had a brain tumor and lost all her filters that made her behave nice in her old age.)


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

I would hope so. If not, you haven't lived much.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

DTO said:


> A couple of pieces of advice: first, if she's undergone a radical shift if goals or beliefs then she needs to own it and not make it your fault for not transitioning along with her. Like, if she suddenly found religion and you don't buy in, it's unfair to hold you accountable for you guys having differences.
> 
> Second, if she's dumping on you because you haven't done enough with your life, you need to (1) examine yourself to see if that's true and (2) compare your accomplishments in relation to what she has or has not done with her time and energy. She doesn't get to criticize someone who has accomplished more than she herself has.


She hasn't gone through any radical shifts.

Your second point is interesting, though: I've been the breadwinner while she raised kids. It's hard to balance who has done more with their life, at least for me.

Really, the comment was just another lame attempt to attack me with one of her Femi-Throwing Stars. Of course they're made out of rubber and never stick.


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