# To the wives of the husbands who post they aren't getting enough sex from you



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I read the posts from husbands whose wives aren't that interested in sex and are not safisfying their husbands in the bedroom and I just shake my head. You are so fortunate to be able to have sex with your husband. I wish I could. I have been married for 25 years and for the past 8 of those years my husband has had ED do to diabetes and a low T count. Yes he had been to doctors. So how do we keep passion in our marriage? We kiss, hug hold and tell each other we love you a lot, and not just at night, we do it a lot during the day. A hug here, a back rub there a French kiss when we see each other. He also goes to bed early due getting up early for his job so most nights I stop what I'm doing and go to bed with him. We hold each other and we kiss until he starts to doze off. We also have oral sex. which satisfies me. I know he enjoys it too even though he can't get an erection. After he falls asleep I read or watch TV as I can't fall asleep that early. 

He has appointment with another Dr to get a shot. We both hope it helps him. I know how frustrating it is for him (I'm sure the men reading this can understand that). I know if it does work my husband will never have to complain about his wife not having sex enough with him. We have a lot of time to make up for. If it doesn't work we will continue to love each other in other ways than intercourse. Our marriage vows said in sickness and in health and I intend to honor those vows.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Good Luck with the treatment. It is nice to see that neither of you has let this interfere with your relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I read the posts from husbands whose wives aren't that interested in sex and are not safisfying their husbands in the bedroom and I just shake my head. You are so fortunate to be able to have sex with your husband. I wish I could. I have been married for 25 years and for the past 8 of those years my husband has had ED do to diabetes and a low T count.
> 
> Yes he had been to doctors. So how do we keep passion in our marriage? We kiss, hug hold and tell each other we love you a lot, and not just at night, we do it a lot during the day. A hug here, a back rub there a French kiss when we see each other. He also goes to bed early due getting up early for his job so most nights I stop what I'm doing and go to bed with him. We hold each other and we kiss until he starts to doze off. We also have oral sex. which satisfies me. I know he enjoys it too even though he can't get an erection. After he falls asleep I read or watch TV as I can't fall asleep that early.


 does your husband orgasm also ? I have read they can even if not erect ? 

Great wife that you are..your husband is very blessed...and he, too, is a GIVER...many might be resentful and turn away.. you 2 are working it !... an Inspiration to all.

It can't be easy on either side of this though...some things had to be grieved..... I have some regrets in my own marriage...where I took my husbands beautiful sex drive for granted... didn't realize what I held in my hands...we had it all....we never had that jumping each other phase of 3 times a day, and suddenly I wanted that in Mid Life....but that ship had already sailed....Oh if I could just go back... I had a "Woulda, coulda , shoulda" going on for a long time...

May young wives take heed....

Someday you may be on the other side of this.. and YOU want to be sexually filled in the way HE did -for many years..but suffered... and his DRIVE will not be where yours is...or he struggles..the emotions that will overtake you when you question if your husband still desires you... these can be very strong...

Sometimes I feel our MEN have the Lousy end of this stick ...as so many women don't "*get it*" when we are younger...we don't understand that antsy "gotta have it now" feeling washing over us -tormenting us ...and it just needs satisfied...because our men always KEPT US SO sexually satisfied...at every turn... 



> He has appointment with another Dr to get a shot. We both hope it helps him. I know how frustrating it is for him (I'm sure the men reading this can understand that). I know if it does work my husband will never have to complain about his wife not having sex enough with him. We have a lot of time to make up for. * If it doesn't work we will continue to love each other in other ways than intercourse. *Our marriage vows said in sickness and in health and I intend to honor those vows.


Here is a book that can give you even more ideas ...written by a Sex therapist...

Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse: : Books



> In this book, two of America's leading sex and gender experts show readers how to make sex more enjoyable by breaking away from the repetitive mechanics of intercourse. The book describes a path toward more a varied, playful, and intimate sexuality, debunking myths such as "impotence," "frigidity," and "foreplay;" indeed, the book shatters the myth that intercourse equals sex itself.
> "Let Me Count The Ways":
> 
> * defines "outercourse", shows why it is a valuable addition to peoples' sexual vocabulary, and explains how readers can maximize their comfort and pleasure with it.
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I read the posts from husbands whose wives aren't that interested in sex and are not safisfying their husbands in the bedroom and I just shake my head. _You are so fortunate to be able to have sex with your husband._ I wish I could. I have been married for 25 years and for the past 8 of those years my husband has had ED do to diabetes and a low T count. Yes he had been to doctors. So how do we keep passion in our marriage? We kiss, hug hold and tell each other we love you a lot, and not just at night, we do it a lot during the day. A hug here, a back rub there a French kiss when we see each other. He also goes to bed early due getting up early for his job so most nights I stop what I'm doing and go to bed with him. We hold each other and we kiss until he starts to doze off. We also have oral sex. which satisfies me. I know he enjoys it too even though he can't get an erection. After he falls asleep I read or watch TV as I can't fall asleep that early.
> 
> He has appointment with another Dr to get a shot. We both hope it helps him. I know how frustrating it is for him (I'm sure the men reading this can understand that). I know if it does work my husband will never have to complain about his wife not having sex enough with him. We have a lot of time to make up for. If it doesn't work we will continue to love each other in other ways than intercourse. Our marriage vows said in sickness and in health and I intend to honor those vows.


While I am sorry that this misfortune has befallen you, I confess I think that one of your leading sentences is more than a little lacking in empathy. That their problems are different than yours does not diminish theirs.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> While I am sorry that this misfortune has befallen you, I confess I think that one of your leading sentences is more than a little lacking in empathy. That their problems are different than yours does not diminish theirs.



I don't see at all where she diminishes anyone's physical or mental problem just mentions those women, same could go for men, that aren't interested in sex but are fully capable and choose to reject/decline/make excuses.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I feel for the OP's misfortune, however to say to women who are ld to just pony up and enjoy the sex now while it's hot does not take into consideration the circumstances in which these women reject sex.

Young women during the childbearing stages with young children who cause her to be "touched out" is at a different stage in her life than a lady who is at menopause. Comparing the two is not fair to either women. Greater hurdles have to be overcome. Misfortunes happen later in life unfortunately, hormones rise and fall. Many HD men will not be satisfied with the dreaded duty sex for an extended period of time, so the woman has to feign desire when she is already tired and worn out from energetic toddlers pulling at her all day. Sex becomes another chore to cross off on the list.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> I don't see at all where she diminishes anyone's physical or mental problem just mentions those women, same could go for men, that aren't interested in sex but are fully capable and choose to reject/decline/make excuses.


No one needs to "make excuses" to not have sex. Their partner is all the "excuse" they need. Because sure as heck no one owes anyone sex. Ever.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

techmom said:


> I feel for the OP's misfortune, however to say to women who are ld to just pony up and enjoy the sex now while it's hot does not take into consideration the circumstances in which these women reject sex.
> 
> Young women during the childbearing stages with young children who cause her to be "touched out" is at a different stage in her life than a lady who is at menopause. Comparing the two is not fair to either women. Greater hurdles have to be overcome. Misfortunes happen later in life unfortunately, hormones rise and fall. Many HD men will not be satisfied with the dreaded duty sex for an extended period of time, so the woman has to feign desire when she is already tired and worn out from energetic toddlers pulling at her all day. Sex becomes another chore to cross off on the list.


She's not talking about women who are going through issues CAUSING them to not have a high drive. She's talking about women who willfully decide they dont want to have sex. A conscious decision. There is a MASSIVE difference there.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

sinnister said:


> She's not talking about women who are going through issues CAUSING them to not have a high drive. She's talking about women who willfully decide they dont want to have sex. A conscious decision. There is a MASSIVE difference there.


How do we know that there are no issues? Many HDs think that people reject sex "just because". Fatigue, headaches are justified reasons. You may not want to hear it but it is justified nonetheless. 

(Waiting for a post to state, well gee I work for a living when I don't feel like it, I can just stay home and say that I don't feel like working anymore. Do you really want your wife to approach sex like it is a job? Really, a 9 to 5?)


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ld/Ed/lt men also take note that you can still have intimacy with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

techmom said:


> How do we know that there are no issues? Many HDs think that people reject sex "just because". Fatigue, headaches are justified reasons. You may not want to hear it but it is justified nonetheless.
> 
> (Waiting for a post to state, well gee I work for a living when I don't feel like it, I can just stay home and say that I don't feel like working anymore. Do you really want your wife to approach sex like it is a job? Really, a 9 to 5?)


I understand your point, but if it comes to the point where that headache and fatigue happens 29 times per month...it doesn't apply. I think you're missing the spirit of her warning. 

Once again...it wasn't meant for women with legitimate issues causing them to be LD. Health, fatigue etc that is not preventable. Willfull decisions are preventable.

Lets not go on a "women have the right to be LD" crusade here. The spirit and intent of her warning is cheapened by that debate.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> No one needs to "make excuses" to not have sex. Their partner is all the "excuse" they need. Because sure as heck no one owes anyone sex. Ever.



I still don't understand your point. Are you saying their partner gives them a reason to have sex or to avoid it?

And the OPs original point is very valid for those men or women who choose not to have sex even though they are capable and their partner is a decent, normal, respectable human.

And when you get married you are pretty much signing up for sex unless your partner does something to kill desire


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

techmom said:


> How do we know that there are no issues? Many HDs think that people reject sex "just because". Fatigue, headaches are justified reasons. You may not want to hear it but it is justified nonetheless.
> 
> (Waiting for a post to state, well gee I work for a living when I don't feel like it, I can just stay home and say that I don't feel like working anymore. Do you really want your wife to approach sex like it is a job? Really, a 9 to 5?)


One can experience a large amount of intimacy in 5-10 minutes even. So yes, tired and headaches are crap. It can always be done. There is no perfect alignment of conditions which must occur for the act to happen, those are excuses to get out of it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"How do we know that there are no issues? Many HDs think that people reject sex "just because". Fatigue, headaches are justified reasons. You may not want to hear it but it is justified nonetheless."

People are capable of justifying anything to themselves. I'd find fatigue or headache to be a justifiable excuse for a day or two but not an adequate excuse to justify months or years of forced celibacy. In any case, I'd hate to explain to my kid, "Dad doesn't live here any longer and we're poor because I was too tired or too busy to be the wife I promised to be for several years until he finally had enough."


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> One can experience a large amount of intimacy in 5-10 minutes even. So yes, tired and headaches are crap. It can always be done. There is no perfect alignment of conditions which must occur for the act to happen, those are excuses to get out of it.


A wilder married dude I know has a "30 day rule" If she tries to starve him for 30 days or more he will go get it from somewhere else. I used to think it was insensitive. I now think it's fair, man or woman it's fair.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Dad doesn't live here any longer and we're poor because I was too tired or too busy to be the wife I promised to be for several years until he finally had enough."



Probably still sounds fine to her


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> I still don't understand your point. Are you saying their partner gives them a reason to have sex or to avoid it?
> 
> And the OPs original point is very valid for those men or women who choose not to have sex even though they are capable and their partner is a decent, normal, respectable human.
> 
> And when you get married you are pretty much signing up for sex unless your partner does something to *kill desire*


HER desire according to her needs. That the OP has a quandary that she has faced very well and with great character is not to be denied. That should not cast aspersions on the problems other people have in their marriage which prevent the woman from wanting to put out simply because they married.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> I don't see at all where she diminishes anyone's physical or mental problem just mentions those women, same could go for men, that aren't interested in sex but are fully capable and choose to reject/decline/make excuses.


That's the way I read it too.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

NS - for a man, no sex leads to to intamacy, which leads to resentment which leads to affair or D in many cases. A crappy marriage. Not saying it is her fault, but by denying sex, what is the point to remain married.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

As a husband in a sexless marriage with a wife who simply isnt interested in sex, the OP's post is bitter sweet... 

'Sweet' because your husband has a problem that affects his ability to satisfy you...yet does what he can and you do what you can to ensure some kind of love and intimacy between you...

'Bitter' because I used to wish that my wife would realise the importance of sex in marriage and to me. Instead her attitude is; 'I'm not interested and don't see why I should do something that doesnt interest me?'...

I say 'used to' because my wifes selfish attitude over the years has completely killed any sexual interest or passion I had for her.

HM25 - I hope you husband knows what a gem of a wife he has....and vice versa!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

NobodySpecial said:


> HER desire according to her needs. That the OP has a quandary that she has faced very well and with great character is not to be denied. That should not cast aspersions on the problems other people have in their marriage which prevent the woman from wanting to put out simply because they married.


And your point is a valid one. Marriage should not automatically guarantee a guy to get laid regardless of his treatment of her.

Again...that is NOT what OP is saying so why are we debating it?

If problems in a marriage are so severe that a woman does not want to have sex with her husband, I would say the problems are severe enough where she should get out. Staying in a marriage where she is suffering and making him suffer seems pointless. The only thing you gain from it is a husband who will most likely cheat.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

techmom said:


> I feel for the OP's misfortune, however to say to women who are ld to just pony up and enjoy the sex now while it's hot does not take into consideration the circumstances in which these women reject sex.
> 
> Young women during the childbearing stages with young children who cause her to be "touched out" is at a different stage in her life than a lady who is at menopause. Comparing the two is not fair to either women. Greater hurdles have to be overcome. Misfortunes happen later in life unfortunately, hormones rise and fall. Many HD men will not be satisfied with the dreaded duty sex for an extended period of time, so the woman has to feign desire when she is already tired and worn out from energetic toddlers pulling at her all day. *Sex becomes another chore to cross off on the list*.


It might help if you didn't consider sex with your husband "a chore." Caring for my husband is just as much a priority to me as caring for my child is.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Chances are...your wife won't.

She won't wake up one day and realize that starving you (and herself) of sex is the answer to the relationship problems. She won't magically want to have sex with you. She won't magically have a sex drive. 

It won't ever change.

So what are you going to DO about it?


Simply Amorous.... Yes a man can orgasm without a full erection.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

sinnister said:


> And your point is a valid one. Marriage should not automatically guarantee a guy to get laid regardless of his treatment of her.
> 
> Again...that is NOT what OP is saying so why are we debating it?
> 
> If problems in a marriage are so severe that a woman does not want to have sex with her husband, I would say the problems are severe enough where she should get out. Staying in a marriage where she is suffering and making him suffer seems pointless. The only thing you gain from it is a husband who will most likely cheat.


...with my body I thee honour...foresaking all others.... and there are verses in the Good Book that state the wife should make sure she has sex with her husband etc.

However, if the husband is being a total $hit then of course why should the wife have sex with her husband.

But 99% of men who marry and are 'good' husbands expect sex from their wife....sex is how we bond.

If we get rejected it hurts.

If you feed your dog every day it will be 100% loyal and protect you. If you stop feeding your dog it will, eventually, go looking for food elsewhere.
I'm not saying that we are dogs  but we are easy to please!!


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Thank you for the nice comments. I understand how there are times a women isn't in the mood or doesn't feel good. If your husband treated you crappy that day you don't feel like having sex that night with him. Women tie emotions with sex more than men do. Foreplay can start when you wake up with a kiss, a hug I love you, maybe text them something nice during the day, have a nice dinner together, help clean up, help put the kids to bed etc. She appreciates you and she is more likely to want to show that in bed that night. 

If you aren't intimate with each other In other ways then odds are the women isn't going to be as interested in sex. To those men who haven't gotten sex in a months they do start to feel rejected and resentment which shows in other parts of their marriage and how he treats her and then if he doesn't treat her nicely she isn't going to want to have sex with him. It's a cycle.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> "How do we know that there are no issues? Many HDs think that people reject sex "just because". Fatigue, headaches are justified reasons. You may not want to hear it but it is justified nonetheless."
> 
> People are capable of justifying anything to themselves. I'd find fatigue or headache to be a justifiable excuse for a day or two but not an adequate excuse to justify months or years of forced celibacy. In any case, I'd hate to explain to my kid, "Dad doesn't live here any longer and we're poor because I was too tired or too busy to be the wife I promised to be for several years until he finally had enough."


Why is it always assumed that the family will be poor when the father leaves? Women have careers, and according to the MRAs on this site they fare way better in divorce than the husband:scratchhead:

Anyway, I just wanted to make the point that refusing sex over long periods of time (months or more) is usually due to some type of problem. Lack of attraction, low libido, medication, etc. There are many threads where the HD complains of duty sex. They want their partner into the sex as well. Instead of refusing the sex like some on the boards do, embrace it as an offer of love. My hubby hates it when I'm not hot, and it causes problems.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

karole said:


> It might help if you didn't consider sex with your husband "a chore." Caring for my husband is just as much a priority to me as caring for my child is.


Doing the sex is not the problem, it is the conjuring up enough desire to make it suitable for hubby that is the problem.

The last thing my husband wants is for me to approach sex like I am taking care of one of the kids, it doesn't turn him on and at a certain point it is better if I just left it alone.:scratchhead:


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I seriously doubt that anyone would deny sex without a reason.

I guess the OP is referring to people who's reason is just selfishness. They do not need much sex and they assume that their spouse can live without it just as easily as they can. It takes effort to get into the mood which they would rather spend watching TV or reading a book. 

They may make excuses like a headache to make it more palatable but the real reason is that they simply do not like sex all that much and they may not actually require much of any other type of physical touch.

People who like sex often seem to believe that it is some sort of evil plot who's only purpose is to deprive them of sex.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

techmom said:


> Why is it always assumed that the family will be poor when the father leaves? Women have careers, and according to the MRAs on this site they fare way better in divorce than the husband:scratchhead:
> 
> Anyway, I just wanted to make the point that refusing sex over long periods of time (months or more) is usually due to some type of problem. Lack of attraction, low libido, medication, etc. There are many threads where the HD complains of duty sex. They want their partner into the sex as well. Instead of refusing the sex like some on the boards do, embrace it as an offer of love. My hubby hates it when I'm not hot, and it causes problems.


If the marriage fails the child will be poorer for it, financially or otherwise. My point was that all these really great excuses won't sound very convincing to a kid who's life is being torn apart, who, statistically, will be financially poorer, who, statistically, will do less well in school, who, statistically, will be more likely to have troubles with violence, will be less likely to obtain great employment, and more likely to grow up to have failed relationships, themselves. Our selfishness is seriously screwing our children over. Most of us would rush into a burning house to rescue our kids but we can't jump over our shadows and be a husband or wife unless 100% of our expected ration of powder sugar is blown up our backsides every day? Seems to me we are more considerate, compassionate, and forgiving to strangers and stray animals than to our own spouses. Nobody who has a job just quits performing for months or years when they have hurt feelings. No sane person would expect to keep getting a check if they did. Do these people who have sexual shut-down if they aren't daily thrilled truly imagine that each and every day they are perfect and never disappoint others?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> NS - for a man, no sex leads to to intamacy, which leads to resentment which leads to affair or D in many cases. A crappy marriage. *Not saying it is her fault*, but by denying sex, what is the point to remain married.


I am fully aware of it, particularly in the context of my own marriage where it counts. Developing a strong and wonderful sex life is pretty important. Which includes fixing Any and All problems in the marriage that may be an obstacle to that. Which is a two person job. One that many men abdicate. Being "decent" and making a handful of bills is "enough". Enough for what? Crappy ass duty sex once a month. No thanks. I'll pass. I think any self respecting man would too.

When you continually hear this stupid balony like "make excuses" eventually it makes you want to vomit. And it demonstrates pretty clearly why these people's wives don't want to have sex with them! I sure wouldn't.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If the marriage fails the child will be poorer for it, financially or otherwise. My point was that all these really great excuses won't sound very convincing to a kid who's life is being torn apart, who, statistically, will be financially poorer, who, statistically, will do less well in school, who, statistically, will be more likely to have troubles with violence, will be less likely to obtain great employment, and more likely to grow up to have failed relationships, themselves. Our selfishness is seriously screwing our children over. Most of us would rush into a burning house to rescue our kids but we can't jump over our shadows and be a husband or wife unless 100% of our expected ration of powder sugar is blown up our backsides every day? Seems to me we are more considerate, compassionate, and forgiving to strangers and stray animals than to our own spouses. Nobody who has a job just quits performing for months or years when they have hurt feelings. No sane person would expect to keep getting a check if they did. Do these people who have sexual shut-down if they aren't daily thrilled truly imagine that each and every day they are perfect and never disappoint others?


So all of the sacrifice and compassion I show to my hubby on a daily basis goes out of the window because I don't have sex as often as he wants me to? This means that I have more compassion for strangers and animals than I do for my husband who I cook, clean and give affection to daily. It may be non sexual but it is affection nonetheless. PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place? As a low desire person I have trouble understanding your mindset.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

techmom said:


> So all of the sacrifice and compassion I show to my hubby on a daily basis goes out of the window because I don't have sex as often as he wants me to? This means that I have more compassion for strangers and animals than I do for my husband who I cook, clean and give affection to daily. It may be non sexual but it is affection nonetheless. PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place? As a low desire person I have trouble understanding your mindset.


Techmom - different people show affection in different ways and if both parties are happy with the affection level they are both giving and receiving then there is absolutely no problem.

However, whilst we all like neck neck tickles, the bum slap/squeeze etc men like to show and be shown love and affection in a sexual way.

On the whole, women like to be shown they are loved and appreciated by their husbands taking them out for a candlelit dinner, take them to see their favourite band, get them a Spa day, buy them flowers, empty the washing machine etc etc.

We men don't want you to show us you love us by ironing our shirt, buying us our favourite whisky etc etc. We want you to show us you love us by waking us up with a bj, grabbing us as we come in from work saying 'I love you and I want you NOW'.

We are simply wired differently. When a wife is LD and the husband HD then they BOTH (wife included) have to compromise. If the husband wants sex 2-3 times a week and the wife wants it once a month then unless they meet in the middle, believe me, resentment (on both sides) will set in and the marriage will start to fail.

Please don't take offence, but you are typical of a LD person...in that as sex is not an important part of your life, you cannot understand how it can be important to someone else.

I have zero interest in football/soccer and can't understand why it can be so important to other people....who can get so excited about a group of men kicking a ball round a field and hugging each other?!!


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

techmom said:


> So all of the sacrifice and compassion I show to my hubby on a daily basis goes out of the window because I don't have sex as often as he wants me to? This means that I have more compassion for strangers and animals than I do for my husband who I cook, clean and give affection to daily. It may be non sexual but it is affection nonetheless. *PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place? * As a low desire person I have trouble understanding your mindset.


*"PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place?"* 

For some men, yes. Some men NEED PIV to feel connected to their partner. Some women need cuddling, some need talking, and some need sex to feel connected. 

Many husbands take their vow of monogamy seriously, which means they are promising to only have their sexual needs met by their spouse. If the other spouse isn't interested in trying to meet those needs, then they should allow their spouse to have those needs met elsewhere, or they should plan on not staying married.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

NS - by denying sex, you are killing the marriage. Women up and file for D or force changes in other ways. Using sex as a reward/punishment is killing your M, whether you admit it or not.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> "How do we know that there are no issues? Many HDs think that people reject sex "just because". Fatigue, headaches are justified reasons. You may not want to hear it but it is justified nonetheless."
> 
> People are capable of justifying anything to themselves. I'd find fatigue or headache to be a justifiable excuse for a day or two but not an adequate excuse to justify months or years of forced celibacy. In any case, I'd hate to explain to my kid, "Dad doesn't live here any longer and we're poor because I was too tired or too busy to be the wife I promised to be for several years until he finally had enough."




Perfect answer!:toast:


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I am not sure divorce is the actual major cause of kids problems. I think that divorce is maybe just a result of other dysfunctions that are probably going to negatively impact the kids anyway.

The thing that strikes me as a bit off here is that a person who has no sex drive could basically have the same idea:

To the husbands of the wives who post they are getting too much sex from you 

Dear husbands, if you only knew how your constant request for sex are straining the marriage ...you do not really need sex and all you are doing is making excuses about why you need it, etc..

I am not suggesting that a sexless marriage is acceptable for any particular individual but I think the problem with the main premise of this thread is that it totally discounts one side of the relationship. 

The OP's husband gets a pass because he has apparent medical conditions (both diabetes and low T can be well controlled) but somehow mental problems are not valid problems and giving sex is easier than not wanting sex. At least it is for women. Men get a pass if they can't get it up but since women do not have any thing that needs to be up they are just expected to perform.

Again I am not suggesting anyone tolerate a sexless marriage, but the holier-than-thou or the just-do-it attitude is not helpful.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

techmom said:


> So all of the sacrifice and compassion I show to my hubby on a daily basis goes out of the window because I don't have sex as often as he wants me to? This means that I have more compassion for strangers and animals than I do for my husband who I cook, clean and give affection to daily. It may be non sexual but it is affection nonetheless. PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place? As a low desire person I have trouble understanding your mindset.


Yes. All of that stuff you do is great, but if he's not getting the affection he needs in the WAY he needs it - through sex - then everything else is going to be devalued or seem worthless. It begins to look like an excuse - here I am doing all these great things but you don't care. Well, I wouldn't care because those aren't needs for me - sexual affection is.

I can cook and clean for myself. I can get affection and affirmation from friends. Personally, the ONE thing that means relationship love and caring to me is sex, and if the sex is good everything else in the relationship takes on great value also. But without the sex, those other things quickly become irrelevant.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

karole said:


> It might help if you didn't consider sex with your husband "a chore." Caring for my husband is just as much a priority to me as caring for my child is.


Exactly. Mine says that sex is "too much work" and that she's too tired all the time. However, she's not too tired to stay up and watch TV or play on the computer after the kids to go bed.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

I'm still convinced the OPs original point is valid and she did not throw dirt on anyone else. She's just saying if you are able to have sexual interaction, but choose not to for various reasons, in her opinion it's a mistake that they may come to regret. 

I didn't hear her judge anyone.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes. All of that stuff you do is great, but if he's not getting the affection he needs in the WAY he needs it - through sex - then everything else is going to be devalued or seem worthless. It begins to look like an excuse - here I am doing all these great things but you don't care. Well, I wouldn't care because those aren't needs for me - sexual affection is.
> 
> I can cook and clean for myself. I can get affection and affirmation from friends. Personally, the ONE thing that means relationship love and caring to me is sex, and if the sex is good everything else in the relationship takes on great value also. But without the sex, those other things quickly become irrelevant.


I can cook quite well for myself, I keep a clean house, I run errands, earn money, all those things I can do for myself, and I have. While I appreciate that my STBW can and occasionally does those things so I don't have to, it doesn't make me feel loved when she does. There is a difference between feeling loved and and feeling appreciated. My STBW has picked little things up for me like granola bars, or my favorite ice cream, and again, I appreciate them, but don't feel loved because of them. Don't get me wrong, all those kinds of things are vital to any relationship.

My STBW is similar to me. She appreciates that I go to work, that I cook, that I help clean, but it makes her appreciate and respect me, but not necessarily feel love for me. SHe is not really a big fan of flowers and little gifts. SHe appreciates those, but again, appreciation not necessarily love.

Fortunately, we both strongly connect time together, physical affection and sex with love. That is how we both feel it and express it most naturally.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> NS - by denying sex, you are killing the marriage. Women up and file for D or force changes in other ways. Using sex as a reward/punishment is killing your M, whether you admit it or not.


Are you talking to me? I was referring to other people who find themselves in this position. My husband and I are very happy in every area of our marriage. I don't withhold anything from him. But if there was something that was preventing us from having a wonderful sex life, we would fix it. He would not just come whining to me that he wanted more sex without a willingness to address whatever issues I may have.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Are you talking to me? I was referring to other people who find themselves in this position. My husband and I are very happy in every area of our marriage. I don't withhold anything from him. But if there was something that was preventing us from having a wonderful sex life, we would fix it. He would not just come whining to me that he wanted more sex without a willingness to address whatever issues I may have.


:iagree: Perhaps you should change your user name to SomeoneSpecial!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> I can cook quite well for myself, I keep a clean house, I run errands, earn money, all those things I can do for myself, and I have. While I appreciate that my STBW can and occasionally does those things so I don't have to, it doesn't make me feel loved when she does. There is a difference between feeling loved and and feeling appreciated. My STBW has picked little things up for me like granola bars, or my favorite ice cream, and again, I appreciate them, but don't feel loved because of them. Don't get me wrong, all those kinds of things are vital to any relationship.
> 
> My STBW is similar to me. She appreciates that I go to work, that I cook, that I help clean, but it makes her appreciate and respect me, but not necessarily feel love for me. SHe is not really a big fan of flowers and little gifts. SHe appreciates those, but again, appreciation not necessarily love.
> 
> Fortunately, we both strongly connect time together, physical affection and sex with love. That is how we both feel it and express it most naturally.


Absolutely. Waffle House will feed me 24 hours a day and I don't have to listen to a lot of drama from them to get fed. I prepare most of the meals around here and handle just about all other household functions. Even if my wife was Julia Child and kept the house in perfect order without my assistance, I didn't marry a cook or a housekeeper. Anyone who does is an idiot because there are far cheaper ways of getting help and it's lots easier to get rid of hired help if they don't perform.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Yes. All of that stuff you do is great, but if he's not getting the affection he needs in the WAY he needs it - through sex - then everything else is going to be devalued or seem worthless. It begins to look like an excuse - here I am doing all these great things but you don't care. Well, I wouldn't care because those aren't needs for me - sexual affection is.
> 
> I can cook and clean for myself. I can get affection and affirmation from friends. Personally, the ONE thing that means relationship love and caring to me is sex, and if the sex is good everything else in the relationship takes on great value also. But without the sex, those other things quickly become irrelevant.




I agree with this and what the others are saying. I can cook and clean and iron as well, just not as well as my wife does. Doing these things makes me feel cared for but not loved. There is a huge difference. My wife would do these things for a family member, a friend, etc. But what distinguishes a marriage or close relationship from these other relationships is intimacy.

I agree that the thing that says love to me is sex. My wife feels that doing these other things shows love but I do not feel that way. I have told her many times that I need intimacy to feel loved. It leads to the conclusion that she either does not love me or just does not believe that I could have a need that she does not have.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

techmom said:


> So all of the sacrifice and compassion I show to my hubby on a daily basis goes out of the window because I don't have sex as often as he wants me to? This means that I have more compassion for strangers and animals than I do for my husband who I cook, clean and give affection to daily. It may be non sexual but it is affection nonetheless. PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place? As a low desire person I have trouble understanding your mindset.


Let me frame it in a different way. My wife loves yardwork. Last year she spread - single handedly - 18 cubic *yards *of mulch in our landscaping. Prunes half an acre full of trees and shrubs. etc etc.

And of course, at night she has zero energy for sex, or so she claims. 

I'd rather have a few less cubic yards of mulch and a little more energy devoted to us, you know, the people who were married? I did not marry her for yardwork, did I?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

john117 said:


> Let me frame it in a different way. My wife loves yardwork. Last year she spread - single handedly - 18 cubic *yards *of mulch in our landscaping. Prunes half an acre full of trees and shrubs. etc etc.
> 
> And of course, at night she has zero energy for sex, or so she claims.
> 
> I'd rather have a few less cubic yards of mulch and a little more energy devoted to us, you know, the people who were married? I did not marry her for yardwork, did I?


Very, very good point!!!

To many times we give ourselves away to too many commitments that suck our energy dry...and we should be preserving it for our DH.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

techmom said:


> (Waiting for a post to state, well gee I work for a living when I don't feel like it, I can just stay home and say that I don't feel like working anymore. Do you really want your wife to approach sex like it is a job? Really, a 9 to 5?)


Well, this is a red herring. But, I work with a happy attitude, even if I don't particularly want to be there at that moment, because I have the opportunity to enhance the lives of my family. I work hard (harder than I need to, truth be told) to meet my family's wants as well as their needs, because that brings significant joy to my life. Consider it a loving sacrifice.

So, would I like to come to me in that same spirit? Hell yes! Of course her being genuinely horny is best, but if that isn't happening due to life issues or just being LD, what is wrong with her coming to me with genuine happiness and gratitude for the effort I put in and doing that which makes me happy in turn? Isn't that better than little / no sex or (even worse) pity sex?

In fact, I expected it from my ex and I will expect it any future relationship. This is because - and let's be honest - any well-adjusted person can exhibit this behavior. If she will not (and as long as there are not any physical impossibility issues here) it is only because she has decided taking care of me is not as important as taking care of herself, and that is a poor partner.

So, now, let me ask you a question. Here on TAM we've (fairly recently) had a number of topics hitting the question of what women expect from men in relationships. Most of the responses fell into the category of "he needs to live up to a certain standard" or "he needs to work diligently, on a consistent basis, to build a better life for his family". That being so, why would a lady be upset that us men also have standards, and that you are being expected to "give as good as you get" so to speak?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> Again I am not suggesting anyone tolerate a sexless marriage, but the holier-than-thou or the just-do-it attitude is not helpful.


Just a note (following my most recent post) that I am not saying "just do it". I am saying to look around and see all that you get that you do value, and then if you still can't bear to have a good sex life, you need to look inside yourself and seek to understand how you can be happy giving less than you get.

My observation, both in my marriage, other's marriages, and here on TAM, is that LD people can lack empathy. They expect their partners to have low expectations for sex, but adopting those same low expectations themselves is unacceptable.

It's the attitude of "you should do it for me whether you get sex or not", as much as the lack of sex itself, that damages the relationship. There is an implied expectation of superiority / servitude that a self-respecting person won't tolerate over the long term.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

techmom said:


> So all of the sacrifice and compassion I show to my hubby on a daily basis goes out of the window because I don't have sex as often as he wants me to? This means that I have more compassion for strangers and animals than I do for my husband who I cook, clean and give affection to daily. It may be non sexual but it is affection nonetheless. PIV has to happen? An orgasm has to take place? As a low desire person I have trouble understanding your mindset.


Look at it this way. As much as you are LD for sex, there is something you like for which your husband is LD that he does just because you like it. Doesn't he go shopping with you, see chick flicks, ask about your day, etc.? How would you feel if he stopped doing these things for you just because he didn't feel like it?

My advice is that you look at this as less about your feelings and more about equality. Seek to do as much of the stuff he really appreciates for him as you would like him to do for you. Do that and you should be fine.

There's a reason it's called the "golden rule".


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am fully aware of it, particularly in the context of my own marriage where it counts. Developing a strong and wonderful sex life is pretty important. Which includes fixing Any and All problems in the marriage that may be an obstacle to that. Which is a two person job. One that many men abdicate. Being "decent" and making a handful of bills is "enough". Enough for what? Crappy ass duty sex once a month. No thanks. I'll pass. I think any self respecting man would too.
> 
> When you continually hear this stupid balony like "make excuses" eventually it makes you want to vomit. And it demonstrates pretty clearly why these people's wives don't want to have sex with them! I sure wouldn't.


Okay, I'm not sure what exactly you have in mind by "decent" and "making a handful of bills". Nobody here is saying that sex is an automatic entitlement.

What standards do you have? What do you consider reasonable? What does a man have to do to earn a good sex life from you? And are you aware that if you raise your standards then he will as well?

I am not saying that you do this, but there are women out there who feel that being catered to and supported well is just the minimum for them to be around, and the guy (who is working hard to provide just that) has to kick it into another gear if he expects to have even a decent sex life.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

techmom said:


> The last thing my husband wants is for me to approach sex like I am taking care of one of the kids, it doesn't turn him on and at a certain point it is better if I just left it alone.:scratchhead:


I guess I am curious as to whether you approach this in a "binary" manner, and if so then why? In other words, is it always that you're horny and want it, or you treat it as some kind of chore?

Have you ever pleasantly and cheerfully provided a good sexual experience for your husband (by his standards) and he still wasn't happy (see the comment I made earlier on "loving sacrifice")? Or is the problem that you can't get yourself into a "loving sacrifice" type of disposition?

And if you really can't get there, have you thought about lowering your standards for your husband? I know for me part of the problem was the imbalance in expectations - it was almost as significant as the lack of sex itself. It would have helped greatly if my ex had said "I just don't have that level of drive, but it's not fair that I ask and don't reciprocate, so I'm going to ask for less and offer you more opportunity to do stuff apart from us". I don't mean an affair, but freeing up time and resources to take up an expensive hobby, for instance, would have been nice.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DTO said:


> Okay, I'm not sure what exactly you have in mind by "decent" and "making a handful of bills". Nobody here is saying that sex is an automatic entitlement.
> 
> What standards do you have? What do you consider reasonable? What does a man have to do to earn a good sex life from you? And are you aware that if you raise your standards then he will as well?


Well this is really key to the point. One thing that you see often is the notion that sex IS an entitlement or a purchase. No one ever EARNS sex from me. Sex is not currency. Not in a healthy relationship. Sex is something that DH and I share. For both of us individually and for both of us together as a unit.



> I am not saying that you do this, but there are women out there who feel that being catered to and supported well is just the minimum for them to be around, and the guy (who is working hard to provide just that) has to kick it into another gear if he expects to have even a decent sex life.


Meh the gender thing. And the original point was that there are also men who think that having shown up at the wedding and provided the repeated showing up thing they are, in fact, entitled to regular sex.

Until sex is no longer seen as a commodity or a currency, some married people will continue to use it wrongly.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

NobodySpecial said:


> Well this is really key to the point. One thing that you see often is the notion that sex IS an entitlement or a purchase. No one ever EARNS sex from me. Sex is not currency. Not in a healthy relationship. Sex is something that DH and I share. For both of us individually and for both of us together as a unit.


I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'll note first that I didn't mean earn in that literal sense. I meant it more as in there is a standard of conduct for him which you find arousing and there is a manner in which he can behave that turns you off.

Second, you seem to have a fairly sex-positive outlook, and I did not pick up on that earlier. My comment about earning sex goes more towards the LD people in marriages. Some folks take that "sex isn't earned" position and interpret it as "sex is an extra in marriage - nice but not necessary. I expect to be treated well regardless." That is the person to whom I would say you need to be less self-centered and exhibit some sort of reciprocation in your relationship. And it needs to be done out of respect for your partner and the marriage, not in a quid-pro-quo fashion.



NobodySpecial said:


> Meh the gender thing. And the original point was that there are also men who think that having shown up at the wedding and provided the repeated showing up thing they are, in fact, entitled to regular sex.
> 
> Until sex is no longer seen as a commodity or a currency, some married people will continue to use it wrongly.


I'm not so sure about the whole "showing up" thing as you've described it. Sure, if you have some lazy bum who doesn't lift a finger but wants to be blown out of his mind at a drop of a hat, he won't get what he wants nor will he garner sympathy. But, you have so many people (men and women) who say that sex is "different" that the other issues that form the give-and-take of married life. Their spouses aren't just "showing up"; they are fulfilling, in good faith, their part in the marriage and deserve to have their spouses honor the marriage vows as well.

Hopefully that clarifies a bit.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I show up to the plate enthusiastically, however when the entire experience is judged by how "wet" you are or if you had an orgasm it can become a tiring experience. My husband's experience rests on how lubricated or orgasmic I am, anything less is pity sex. Some men do this and it makes an LD person not want to show up lest they be judged for not desiring their partner enough. So I pretty much gave up and recently I let him know why. He didn't like what I had to say but it had to be said.

He likes to come at me with the withholding bit, I let him know that I don't desire sex as much as he does. Right now the sex life is at a standstill.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

I also wanted to add that I do see sex as a loving act, and I'm not a frigid wife. My hubby's past partners were so over the top sexual that I can't compare, he is used to a certain level of enthusiasm that does not come naturally to me. After more than 20years of marriage you would think he'd understand. I tried to match it, just can't do it.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

techmom said:


> I show up to the plate enthusiastically, however when the entire experience is judged by how "wet" you are or if you had an orgasm it can become a tiring experience. My husband's experience rests on how lubricated or orgasmic I am, anything less is pity sex. Some men do this and it makes an LD person not want to show up lest they be judged for not desiring their partner enough. So I pretty much gave up and recently I let him know why. He didn't like what I had to say but it had to be said.
> 
> He likes to come at me with the withholding bit, I let him know that I don't desire sex as much as he does. Right now the sex life is at a standstill.


Yeah, that does suck. My mindset is that if you are coming to bed enthusiastically and ready to provide with good frequency and variety, then it's all good. You can't control your innate drive, and your H should recognize the effort. I certainly would appreciate what I described above.

The only thing about your response that makes me wonder is that you said all his past girlfriends were over the top sexual. I'm not doubting your telling of the tale. But it's very unlikely that he's had a long succession of "freaks" for girlfriends, from a purely mathematical / statistical point of view.

I'm not picking on you or picking sides, but it is possible that what feels like a high level of sexuality is not very much by most standards, and that's the reason your husband makes a stink? To use a personal example, my ex swore that 1-2x per month sex in bed in the "starfish" position (no oral, foreplay, games, etc.) was good and quite enough for anybody to be happy.

She knew that I had experienced more from past partners. Rather than concede she wasn't all that, she "slvt-shamed" my past partners by inference (they must be nasty if they would do that for you). There was also a personal slight against the one partner who was a mutual friend.

The bottom line was that her extremely low sexual appetite was an issue unto itself. But, it was greatly exacerbated by having convinced herself that my expectations were very much outsized by having a series of off-the-wall partners. The end result of that was to further cement the idea that the problem was all me and it wasn't necessary to look inside herself. See, there was no need for her to up her sex IQ, because proper ladies "don't want that" and proper gentlemen don't make it an issue.

I'm not saying that's necessarily you. But, I am pointing out the similarities in the hopes that a different perspective might help you resolve your impasse (which I hate to see). Hope this helps!


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

In my case, he married me when I was a 20 year old virgin with no prior experience. Never had any prior boyfriends, he preferred it that way because he would be my very first. Evidentially the women who were so good in bed were not good enough for him to marry. Instead he tried to shape me into becoming them in the bedroom. So he would have the best of both worlds, virgin to the outside world and a freak in the bedroom with him.

One little detail he didn't take into consideration is that a girl who waits until 20 years old to have any type of sexual relations with a guy is not really HD. So it was a struggle throughout our marriage, he should have known what he was getting into. I can say the same thing for myself as well.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

DTO said:


> Just a note (following my most recent post) that I am not saying "just do it". I am saying to look around and see all that you get that you do value, and then if you still can't bear to have a good sex life, you need to look inside yourself and seek to understand how you can be happy giving less than you get.
> 
> My observation, both in my marriage, other's marriages, and here on TAM, is that LD people can lack empathy. They expect their partners to have low expectations for sex, but adopting those same low expectations themselves is unacceptable.
> 
> It's the attitude of "you should do it for me whether you get sex or not", as much as the lack of sex itself, that damages the relationship. There is an implied expectation of superiority / servitude that a self-respecting person won't tolerate over the long term.


I doubt that the LD spouses are considering their contribution to the family to be not equal just because they are not as interested in sex. 

You lack empathy. 
You want to frame it as -you work hard for your family but if your wife does not maintain you than she is not doing her job. 

Again I am not suggesting that anyone live in an unacceptable environment for the sake of their marriage or kids. 

All I am saying is that everything you are saying about why a spouse needs to be sexual can be turned 180. 

Instead of being mad that your spouse is not seeing the logic of why she should service you maybe you should channel your attitude in a more positive direction.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

DTO said:


> I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'll note first that I didn't mean earn in that literal sense. I meant it more as in there is a standard of conduct for him which you find arousing and there is a manner in which he can behave that turns you off.
> 
> Second, you seem to have a fairly sex-positive outlook, and I did not pick up on that earlier. My comment about earning sex goes more towards the LD people in marriages.


I will be honest, though this won't be a popular view. I don't believe drive difference has anything to do with the vast majority of sexual misalignment. I think the vast majority of issues stem from imbalanced expectation, misunderstood and shared emotion, upbringing and religion. And the notion of sex as currency is a HUGE expression of these issues. 

I am a reasonably good looking woman. I had offers of marriage and attachment from men who were uber wealthy. Turned them down cold. They were trying to buy my looks with their money. How could I ever share joyful sexuality and love with a person like that? 

I think about my mother. She was raised Catholic. No more than hand holding until the day of her marriage to my father. My father was a kind and wonderful man. But a man just the same. So the wedding day comes. Love, joy, cake... wonderful. But what must it have been like to her to go from no, no, no, no to get naked and have him stick his inexperienced junk in her? I'd have been horrified! 



> Some folks take that "sex isn't earned" position and interpret it as "sex is an extra in marriage - nice but not necessary. I expect to be treated well regardless." That is the person to whom I would say you need to be less self-centered and exhibit some sort of reciprocation in your relationship. And it needs to be done out of respect for your partner and the marriage, not in a quid-pro-quo fashion.


I say much the same on this board all the time wrt to quid pro quo. But it takes two to tango. Just _having_ sex out of respect for the marriage IS quid pro quo. He married me thus I owe sex. Uh uh. Together we build a sex life with mutual respect for both of us. If you can't get there together, you as a couple have Big Fat Problems.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

techmom said:


> ....he is used to a certain level of enthusiasm that does not come naturally to me. After more than 20years of marriage you would think he'd understand. I tried to match it, just can't do it.


I feel bad for you, techmom. When most of us express a distaste for, "Duty sex," what we mean is don't roll your eyes, don't sigh like you're going to the gallows, don't ask, "Are you done yet?" and don't answer the phone or channel surf right in the middle of the act. 

We don't mean that anything less than a noisy porn star is unacceptable. It's not fair to expect that of anyone.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We seem to live in a culture which believes that feminine libido is this ineffable fragile hopelessly complex thing. Well ok then - there's no reason why a wife suddenly stops having sex, at least no reason anyone will ever comprehend.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Runs like Dog said:


> We seem to live in a culture which believes that feminine libido is this ineffable fragile hopelessly complex thing. Well ok then - there's no reason why a wife suddenly stops having sex, at least no reason anyone will ever comprehend.


Most of the time they stop because they know they can and nothing you can do about it, but leave.


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## Married but not happy (Jan 11, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Most of the time they stop because they know they can and nothing you can do about it, but leave.


This statement really rings true. It seems there is no leverage for a moral, ethical person. I have often wondered how effective the threat of divorce is in this situation (a real threat that will be followed through unless something changes). Does this ever work and lead to an improved situation? I mean, for those who have been using the carrot for so long and now are trying the stick, does it ever lead to success? Have any LD women, upon learning that their husband truly intends to leave, had a change of heart about things, realized that they do love their husband enough to care about his most important emotional need, and become more willing to be sexually intimate? Or does it usually just reinforce the fact that they are incompatible and divorce is the best option?

I am not talking about women who have health reasons that make intimacy difficult but those who constantly refuse sex simply because they are not in the mood. Some will consider this a harsh statement but after being in a sexless marriage, I feel that withholding intimacy is a type of abuse and is a breaking of the marriage vows (to love and to cherish).


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

treyvion said:


> Most of the time they stop because they know they can and nothing you can do about it, but leave.


Does that mean they never enjoyed sex or did they just suddenly decide they don't like it? That is what I don't understand. In my opinion, denying my husband sex would be as my dad says, "cutting off my nose to spite my face." It would be just as much a punishment for me as it is to him.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Married but not happy said:


> Have any LD women, upon learning that their husband truly intends to leave, had a change of heart about things, realized that they do love their husband enough to care about his most important emotional need, and become more willing to be sexually intimate? Or does it usually just reinforce the fact that they are incompatible and divorce is the best option?


Yes, I think that there are a few stories like that around here.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

My situation is different because my wife has a medical health issue that makes intercourse unpleasant for her which in turn makes it unpleasant for me. We talked and compromised. Until the resolution is implemented, I would take intercourse off the table and she would use other means. 

That said, each scenario has it's own particulars but there are a lot of threads on here describing women, some like tech mom, who either cant meet an expectation or choose not to. That's when the **** hits the fan to the LD

No amount of justifying makes it right in my eyes. If a man or woman chooses not to but are fully capable and are married to good, decent partners, they are subject to whatever consequences arise. And I have no empathy for them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

These threads are always interesting. I know my wife is fully physically capable of having sex. Every now and then it occurs a few times a week and she obviously enjoys it. Then she shuts it down, allows other things to distract her time. I know she knows it's an issue, but I stopped bringing up, we've talked about it too many times with only short term change. She, like me, is just hanging on, hoping I learn to cope with her lack of interest.

Our marriage is in the tank, the current status quo is unsustainable. It's all easily correctable, but she is an obstinate individual, very strong willed and incapable of working toward the middle on this. 

I've been on TAM for years and have seen these threads come and go. I have put in place many of the tips and tactics suggested. It has never changed the situation. My wife is a roommate and a maid, I am her working man huckleberry. That's all we are


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> These threads are always interesting. I know my wife is fully physically capable of having sex. Every now and then it occurs a few times a week and she obviously enjoys it. Then she shuts it down, allows other things to distract her time. I know she knows it's an issue, but I stopped bringing up, we've talked about it too many times with only short term change. She, like me, is just hanging on, hoping I learn to cope with her lack of interest.
> 
> Our marriage is in the tank, the current status quo is unsustainable. It's all easily correctable, but she is an obstinate individual, very strong willed and incapable of working toward the middle on this.
> 
> I've been on TAM for years and have seen these threads come and go. I have put in place many of the tips and tactics suggested. It has never changed the situation. My wife is a roommate and a maid, I am her working man huckleberry. That's all we are



And is that the way it will always be?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> I doubt that the LD spouses are considering their contribution to the family to be not equal just because they are not as interested in sex.
> 
> You lack empathy.
> You want to frame it as -you work hard for your family but if your wife does not maintain you than she is not doing her job.
> ...


Actually, you are misunderstanding me (I seem to be having that problem quite a bit lately on TAM). I am not talking about a husband and wife's contribution to the family. I am talking about their contribution to each other.

I am not saying that the problem is a man takes care of the family and thinks he is entitled to be serviced by his wife. A common problem (but by no means the only problem) I see here is that the wife gets what she wants from the husband (apart from what is done for the family), but when he asks for what he wants he is refused. It just so happens that this forum deals with a particular type of marital dissatisfaction, so that is the context in which I have framed this issue.

For the record, I am not mad at my ex-wife. In fact, I more feel sorry for her, for a variety of reasons. Nonetheless, I lived through what I write, and I try to warn people what the consequences of certain courses of action will be.


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