# My unusual journey with the OW...



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I have kept this part of my story pretty close to the vest, mainly because I think most if not ALL of TAM would think I was f'ckin looney tunes :scratchhead::scratchhead:

Anyway, she is 10 years younger than me. At the time he cheated, I was 32 she was 22. I didn't know the OW's identity until Dec 2011 (He confessed 9/11). I was obsessed with picking myself apart in comparison to her. I felt like 2nd choice to him, afraid that everytime he was with me, he was really thinking of her. Drove me nuts. Anyhow...I contacted her on facebook. Asked her if she slept with other people's boyfriends very often? I let her know that what the two of them did was eating me alive on a daily basis. I told her that we were trying to work it out that he is Bipolar, requires meds and that he was failing to take them when he slept with her. I let her know we were moving back to NJ and since they were regulars at the same bar, I asked her to stay away from him. If he approached her, to do what she didn't have the decency of doing before and that was walking away. 

She wrote back, apologized profusely, said that she has no intentions of ever contacting him or engaging in conversation again. 

A few months later in April '12, after we moved back we were at karaoke and guess who walks in with a ton of friends? Yup, the OW. I almost had a heart attack right then and there. Standing between the man I love and the girl he had sex with behind my back was the worse moment of my life. She kept her head down most of the time, and I didn't make a scene. Kept my composure to all of their faces, although inside I was positively dying. 3 days later my fiance called her. He swears it was to apologize for everything. :wtf: I told him the only apology that was owed to anyone was me...over and over again. I emailed her again to confirm if he tried to talk to her about anything but apologizing. She said no from what she could tell, but that she cut him off half way through and hung up the phone. She told me she never wanted to hear from him again and if she did, I would be the first to know. She took that opportunity to apologize again and tell me that she hopes everything works out for us. 

In August, I still had questions and doubts about the things he had told me. So I wrote her an email asking for the answers. She responded back immediately, mostly confirming everything he had told me. She told me that she wished she could fix it all for me and take it back. She recalls her night as horrible, disgusting and destructive. She felt bad immediately after leaving his house and ignored all attempts he made to communicate/hook up with her again before he left town. 
I told her that I accepted her apologies. That what happened can not be fixed and if it could, she wasn't the peron I needed to fix it. It's all him. She had a responsibility as a decent human being to walk away after he told her he was in a relationship with a baby on the way. That I hope from now on, if she is ever hit on by another guy who is trying to cheat, to please really think about his girl at home, oblivious to the fact that this man really doesn't love her. 

Because we have a mutual friend, I often hear about their conversations about the cheating. She beats herself up about it on a daily basis. She told him there isn't a day goes by that she doesn't think about what she took part in and how hurt I was. she wishes that what she did was a crime, she would gladly turn herself in. I believe her. 

One of my biggest problems with trying to get over my fiance's cheating and that I put this girl on a pedastol. I convinced myself that I couldn't compare to her on any level. That everything with her must have been so perfect. Her body, the sex, their conversation. I have spent so much time hating her with every fiber of my being, I made myself stuck. I wasn't sure how to forgive her, how to move on. I just know that need too. She isn't really anything special. She has gained 60lbs in the last year from binge drinking alone. She is an emotional mess. 

I know what it is to have that kind of pain and be too young to really know what to do with it. This girl has shown more remorse and taken more responsibility for her actions, than my own WS has. Certainly more than any AP I've heard about. 

So, in an attempt to let go and forgive and just let this girl know that she can move on and better herself, I sent her a christmas present at the end of last week. A necklace that says "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly". I wrote her a card that read: 

_Dear _______
This quote has always reminded me that there is light at the end of even the crappiest of tunnels. Please accept this gift as a token of my gratitude and forgiveness. I want you to know that despite the negative experience that brought you into my life, I think you are special. You have shown remorse and taken responsibility when most in your place would not have. Believe it or not, it has brought me some comfort. 
People come into each other’s lives all the time under the oddest of circumstances and all I can think to do now is to offer to you what I would offer any new person that has come into my life…friendship, grace and compassion. Whether it is silently in the background or by your side, as long as you know that there is another person in this world that will have your back if you ever need it. This may seem crazy to you, but this is honestly the only way I know how to be. I need to make something good out of all this pain and reaching out to you brings me more peace than you can imagine. 
All I ask of you in return is to lead your life with compassion and dignity. Use them to persevere through any hardships you may face in the future, pay it forward if ever given the opportunity, and as my favorite quote says “Always be a little kinder than necessary.” 
Merry Christmas, 
Lisa_

From what I heard, it made her very emotional. 

I know I must seem certifiable. But I was waging two battles. 1 against my WS and 1 against her. I needed to let go of the one with her (which was only taking place emotionally and mentally) so that I could concentrate on forgiving him. 

Right now, he and I are not in a good place. I don't think we will work it out. But regardless, I am good with her. We share friends and I want to enjoy going places with those friends and sometimes, she is going to be there. She needs to know there are good people out there, and she can be one of those good people too. In the end I guess you can say I killed her with kindness...but it was all genuine. We will never be friends, and I don't ever expect her to take me up on the offer of being there for her if she ever needs it. But I wanted to take the high road, not for her but for me. 

I am going to a party on Friday, she will be there. We'll see how I do. 

Sorry this is so long and boring...I guess I just wanted the BS spouses to know that sometimes, the AP is sorry. Most of the time they are trashy, inconsiderate wh**es. I guess I got "lucky" in that mine wasn't. She did a stupid, hurtful wh**ing thing. But I no longer consider her an actual wh**e. I no longer hate her. It feels better.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sounds like forgiveness.

For yourself (which is what real forgiveness is about anyway).


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

This isn't boring- it's incredibly noble. It takes a lot to forgive- I focus on Justice. Not a whole lot of that these days. But you have adopted the virtue of Mercy. Even fewer have that. You are to be commended-- you may have saved this woman's soul. But just as importantly, you're going to have a much happier life than you could otherwise, since you have allowed love to blossom rather than hatred.


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

Certifiable? Hardly. I wish I could be as decent a person as you have proven yourself to be.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

You did well, Lisa. 
I am sure this was a very difficult and emotional letter to write.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. It wasn't easy getting here. 

I heard something horrible happened to her a few months prior to the cheating...she was looking for a million ways to escape. Didn't give her the right to make her problems my problems...but I understand her frame of mind better now. 

I didn't like who I was becoming to be honest...I was angry and bitter. I'm still angry, but it is directed at the right person in the right way and it is no longer eating me alive.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> Thanks guys, I really appreciate it. It wasn't easy getting here.
> 
> I heard something horrible happened to her a few months prior to the cheating...she was looking for a million ways to escape. Didn't give her the right to make her problems my problems...but I understand her frame of mind better now.
> 
> I didn't like who I was becoming to be honest...I was angry and bitter. I'm still angry, but it is directed at the right person in the right way and it is no longer eating me alive.


Sometimes it helps to understand that whoever the affair partner is, they are in a sorry state if they are willing to cheat with someone who is attached. When I say it helps, I only mean that it can help us understand that people are hurting. This woman has to go through the rest of her life knowing that she did this to you, when you did nothing but good to her. If she's a sane person, this will continue to leave her riven forever. If she's not a sane person, she's in a level of hell we cannot comprehend. In either case, the affair partner is more often than not a tragic individual.


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## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

I think most of us try to make the best of a bad situation, but you did much more than that. You made a bad situation beautiful. And I hope your good karma points enter the stratosphere and that you reap humungous rewards for having the heart that you do.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

DarkHoly said:


> Sometimes it helps to understand that whoever the affair partner is, they are in a sorry state if they are willing to cheat with someone who is attached. When I say it helps, I only mean that it can help us understand that people are hurting. This woman has to go through the rest of her life knowing that she did this to you, when you did nothing but good to her. If she's a sane person, this will continue to leave her riven forever. If she's not a sane person, she's in a level of hell we cannot comprehend. In either case, the affair partner is more often than not a tragic individual.


I completely agree.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Not sure I could have done what you did but if it makes you feel better then thats all that matters. I have thoughts of sending OW gifts but nothing near what you send, nor what you said. I was thinking more along the lines of explosives!


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

LetDownNTX said:


> Not sure I could have done what you did but if it makes you feel better then thats all that matters. I have thoughts of sending OW gifts but nothing near what you send, nor what you said. I was thinking more along the lines of explosives!


HAHA...trust me, if the girl wasn't remorseful I don't know if I could have done it.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You changed your pic so I didnt know who you were til I went to your threads and it all clicked....lol

How are things with your H? Last time I read anything from you, you're sick of him.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Still sick of him. He doesn't understand my trigger's, thinks they are ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heaodfrant (Dec 19, 2012)

I wish I could be as decent a person as you have proven yourself to be.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Lisa you are a hero, theres so much sh1t going on at the moment but you've reminded me that not everyone is constantly awful. Personally i can not forgive the worthless POSOM is fvcking my wife.

when he dies i will go to his funeral to make sure they bury him properly. i'm in a bad place right now.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's sweet. I think it is traumatic to be involved with anyone with a psych illness who is off their meds, including people who have to deal with themselves...

You did well. Whatever brings balance to life, is doing well. There really aren't any rules.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

You should be proud of yourself.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Yessongs72 said:


> Lisa you are a hero, theres so much sh1t going on at the moment but you've reminded me that not everyone is constantly awful. Personally i can not forgive the worthless POSOM is fvcking my wife.
> 
> when he dies i will go to his funeral to make sure they bury him properly. i'm in a bad place right now.


 I'm sorry it's so bad for you right now. I hope you find whatever it is that's going to make this more emotionaly manageable. I am not going to say better, because in cheating, it doesn't get better. We all just find our ways of coping.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's sweet. I think it is traumatic to be involved with anyone with a psych illness who is off their meds, including people who have to deal with themselves...
> 
> You did well. Whatever brings balance to life, is doing well. There really aren't any rules.


Thank you! I was so mad at him for staying off of them for the 2 or 3 weeks that he did. He becomes a totally different person. Responsibility and common sense go out the window when he is manic.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Soccerfan73 said:


> You should be proud of yourself.


Thanks, I am definitely getting to happy again place. Happy within myself anyway...my relationship is a different matter.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Lisa, you did great. Life is too short to be bitter at anyone. While I don't think that I will ever forgive my ex's OM, I'm working on having better interactions with my ex. She is after all the mother of my children and her well-being affects theirs.

What you did more than likely will change the course of this young lady's life. With all the bad things going on in the world, your simple act of kindness resonates quite loudly.

Merry Christmas!


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Lisa, you did great. Life is too short to be bitter at anyone. While I don't think that I will ever forgive my ex's OM, I'm working on having better interactions with my ex. She is after all the mother of my children and her well-being affects theirs.
> 
> What you did more than likely will change the course of this young lady's life. With all the bad things going on in the world, your simple act of kindness resonates quite loudly.
> 
> Merry Christmas!


Thanks Count. Merry Christmas to you as well.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

I saw her this last Sunday. I was able to look at her and not imagine her with the man I love. I didn't have an overwhelming urge to throw-up...and I felt oddly fine. I ran into her in the bathroom, we smiled at eachother and said hi. It's not her face that haunts me anymore and I stopped tearing myself apart in the mirror because I don't look like her. 

Now when I think of what he did, it's only about what HE DID. Not who he did it with. She may be younger and she may look better in certain parts of her body than I do...and she may have pretty blue eyes. But she still isn't me and I would rather be me than her any day of the week. 

I guess getting through this (for me) is all about breaking it down piece by piece and dealing with it. 

I want him and I to be okay because, g*d damn it...I do love him. But I want someone to love me the way I love them. And he doesn't. Or, at least he has a ass-backwards way of showing it. 

You don't always get to spend your life with the person you thought you would. Accepting that has been the hardest part.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

You've shown great strength of character by what you did. I think you are one of those people who realize that forgiveness has more to do with you than the wrongdoer. You definitely do deserve a better life partner than the one you have right now. All the best.


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