# Stuck in a rather large rut!



## JaneyW (May 2, 2012)

I am stuck in a rather large rut!
I have been with my WS for 9 years and have children with him, but have found out over the past couple of years (since a major move overseas away from my friends and family), that he has been in a relationship with a work colleague, has posted profiles on dating and match-maker sites, and seems to actively pursue relationships online, well through any medium he can, throughout the time we have been together and prior to our relationship. He now password locks his phone and computer, and can be quite shifty when he is on them - he has sent photographs of himself to women, talked about sex and suggested meeting up for dinner/drinks. I'm not really sure whether he is thrill-seeking or is physically cheating. When I talked to him about what I had found, he lied until I produced print-outs of messages, then he denied ever meeting the women in person but was completely oblivious or just didn't care that just by engaging in flirty relationships was hurtful! When I was pregnant with my second child I found racy text messages, he said it was friends playing a trick or a spam message - I was completely unaware of his other online life and although I brushed it off, there were doubts in my mind...I don't know what I would prefer, blissful ignorance or knowing what I do now!! He won't speak about the one woman/girl I definitely know about (I discovered their relationship as they engaged in emails revisiting their relationship!!) and says that I should just stop going on about it. It's hard because they were together when I was pregnant/just had our first child and it has sullied those memories for me! He either blames me for his behaviour or claims that the women are stalkers (stalkers whom he engages in conversation and exchanges his mobile with) and when he tries to explain 'coincidences' his story changes over time and he forgets his own lies! He knows that my big thing is honesty, and I would prefer the truth over lies but he won't tell me the truth, I don't know if he knows it himself. He argues that I am looking for things to catch him out, my response is that when I get the feeling he is up to something, he always proves me right - I find incriminating messages, the majority of which he has instigated, sometime he is himself and sometimes he creates fanciful stories and aliases! 
Why the rut? I'm on the other side of the world with no support or easily accessible family, I have two young children, and no way to support them - I gave up my job to support my WS's move to another country and have been at home looking after the children as he works (??) from 7 till 7.30. I question him working as I no longer trust anything he says or does as he does find the time to engage in flirtations whilst at work - it is too risky for him to do too much at home since I first asked him about his activities.
I realise now that this behaviour won't stop, some of his online profiles preceded our relationship and were posted in his previous relationship. He is like a child in a sweet shop and can't or won't control himself. I don't know what to do - I have no hard evidence to confront him with and even the most explicit messages he turns it around on me and my 'snooping'. Sometimes I think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but then I can't get my head around the fact he is being dishonest, deceitful and that he is willing to risk his family and our friendship for women he doesn't know. Well, what's left of our friendship. I am beginning to really resent him especially as he has said he will 'spoil' his latest online dalliance, money that should be spent on our children! I think I do want to find something so damning so I can leave with the children and know that he won't make it difficult. Any other way will be a nightmare...
I have read other posts and found the advice helpful. Although I'm sure he is doing wrong by our family I haven't the tangible proof and feel so torn if I uproot my children for nothing more than virtual flirtations. But even so he refuses to take responsibility for his actions, behaviours and seems to see no wrong in what he has done, and still doing, no remorse, that is evident in that he is back online chasing 'something'.
So stuck in a rut, although feel slightly less burdened by it all


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You're only stuck in a rut because you're unwilling to make the next move. Remember in a divorce situation he still has to support you and his children. 

He is convinced you aren't going to do anything to stop him because by now, if you were going to, you already would have.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You could sign up for a couple of these sites using fake emails and pics and message him - see how far her takes it. then you'll know.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Janey,
Did you have a healthy/happy sex life before all this happened? 

BTW: Happy is in the eye of the beholder. Some guys, once a week they are happy. 

Some men, at once a week would either be tense and resentful or walking around smiling because they see minimal sex as a valid excuse to cheat. 

What type of man is he? 

If he cheats - even when love/sex/money are all available within his marriage, than this is not a fixable problem. 




JaneyW said:


> I am stuck in a rather large rut!
> I have been with my WS for 9 years and have children with him, but have found out over the past couple of years (since a major move overseas away from my friends and family), that he has been in a relationship with a work colleague, has posted profiles on dating and match-maker sites, and seems to actively pursue relationships online, well through any medium he can, throughout the time we have been together and prior to our relationship. He now password locks his phone and computer, and can be quite shifty when he is on them - he has sent photographs of himself to women, talked about sex and suggested meeting up for dinner/drinks. I'm not really sure whether he is thrill-seeking or is physically cheating. When I talked to him about what I had found, he lied until I produced print-outs of messages, then he denied ever meeting the women in person but was completely oblivious or just didn't care that just by engaging in flirty relationships was hurtful! When I was pregnant with my second child I found racy text messages, he said it was friends playing a trick or a spam message - I was completely unaware of his other online life and although I brushed it off, there were doubts in my mind...I don't know what I would prefer, blissful ignorance or knowing what I do now!! He won't speak about the one woman/girl I definitely know about (I discovered their relationship as they engaged in emails revisiting their relationship!!) and says that I should just stop going on about it. It's hard because they were together when I was pregnant/just had our first child and it has sullied those memories for me! He either blames me for his behaviour or claims that the women are stalkers (stalkers whom he engages in conversation and exchanges his mobile with) and when he tries to explain 'coincidences' his story changes over time and he forgets his own lies! He knows that my big thing is honesty, and I would prefer the truth over lies but he won't tell me the truth, I don't know if he knows it himself. He argues that I am looking for things to catch him out, my response is that when I get the feeling he is up to something, he always proves me right - I find incriminating messages, the majority of which he has instigated, sometime he is himself and sometimes he creates fanciful stories and aliases!
> Why the rut? I'm on the other side of the world with no support or easily accessible family, I have two young children, and no way to support them - I gave up my job to support my WS's move to another country and have been at home looking after the children as he works (??) from 7 till 7.30. I question him working as I no longer trust anything he says or does as he does find the time to engage in flirtations whilst at work - it is too risky for him to do too much at home since I first asked him about his activities.
> I realise now that this behaviour won't stop, some of his online profiles preceded our relationship and were posted in his previous relationship. He is like a child in a sweet shop and can't or won't control himself. I don't know what to do - I have no hard evidence to confront him with and even the most explicit messages he turns it around on me and my 'snooping'. Sometimes I think I am making a mountain out of a mole hill, but then I can't get my head around the fact he is being dishonest, deceitful and that he is willing to risk his family and our friendship for women he doesn't know. Well, what's left of our friendship. I am beginning to really resent him especially as he has said he will 'spoil' his latest online dalliance, money that should be spent on our children! I think I do want to find something so damning so I can leave with the children and know that he won't make it difficult. Any other way will be a nightmare...
> ...


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

You need to speak with a lawyer in whatever country you are in.

Find out what your rights are first.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Janey, your husband sounds like a serial cheater and it's good that you realize he won't be amending his ways soon given his actions preceded your relationship. 

You should either visit your embassy or an attorney and ask them whether it's legal for you to file for divorce in your country of domain. If you're allowed to leave the country, I suggest you take your children and stay with family until you decide what you want to do.

Like sharkey said, he's liable to to pay you spousal support and child support if you can prove he's cheating. Your goal now is to gather as much hard evidence as you can without making it explicit that you know what he's up to. Once your evidence is water tight, you should file for divorce.


----------



## JaneyW (May 2, 2012)

Sharkeey - yes I think you are right, I am apprehensive about taking the next step based on the information I have, but not wholly unwilling. And yes, I showed him my cards the first time we talked about his antics, he was fine for a little bit and then went straight back to what he was doing before. He had however heeded my advice about being honest and on his new profiles put he was in a relationship with children 'seeking some excitement'!!
Shaggy - loathe to admit it but I did think about doing that, but its not for me.
MEM11613 - he would class himself as an 'alpha male'. He is outwardly confident, status driven, sociable around his own friends, quite critical, but he seeks praise and adoration! He has money/sex/love in this relationship although the latter two are dwindling now as more and more stuff is coming to light! I don't think what he has will ever be enough...
TorontoBoyWest - good idea, thank you.
Need to stop being scared of what might be and move forward - got some thinking and organising to do. 
Thanks for the advice.


----------



## slpgwthenemy (Oct 16, 2012)

lets help each other get out of our ruts. we are ripping ourselves off big time from a wonderful life. and our children suffer right along with us. if you can't trust your partner or believe a thing he says-TIME TO GET OUT. Have you seen movie "gas light?"


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

slpgwthenemy said:


> lets help each other get out of our ruts. we are ripping ourselves off big time from a wonderful life. and our children suffer right along with us. if you can't trust your partner or believe a thing he says-TIME TO GET OUT. Have you seen movie "gas light?"


Unfortunately, Janey last checked in 5 months ago. But maybe this will bring her back for an update.


----------

