# Wife wants out but sending mix signals



## jj86gn (Aug 8, 2012)

Got hit with the “I don’t love you anymore and I want a divorce” speech recently from the wife of 12 years a month ago. My partner on the PD went thru this several months ago. Started selling all his stuff to prove to his wife that she means more to him that his stuff. It worked for him. So I’m selling my sports cars, guns, and other stuff to show her that nothing matters as much as her and our four kids.

Problem stated when I got back from Iraq, I was taking some pretty heavy meds. My job was to work with Mortuary Affairs cleaning blow up vehicles of body parts and sanitize them for retrograde. Not a fun job considering we lost 84 soldiers during our deployment and two I had to "clean up" after, I knew personally. Wife asked several times of me to be more involved with her but I think the meds numbs whatever feelings/drive I had so I just didn't listen.

Now since she dropped the "nuclear option" I got off the meds, better to feel everything than nothing at all, and trying to get more involved. Spent 17 grand on her for a mommy make over in May before she turned 40. Several other guys in the guard unit with similar backgrounds (Field grade officers like myself with 12-16 years of marriage and kids) got the same speech and they are working it out. Can't understand why she won't. 

Our marriage therapist thinks this could work, but she is that type to not change her mind even when she knows it going to wreck both us. Hoping the therapist can help her see that you can change your mind and not seem weak. I don't know, maybe she having a mid-life crisis.

She got some issues from her past to deal with as well as me; Dad and 3 brother kill in plane crash Thanksgiving Day in 1981. That and her mother was married 6 times before this current one. Her stepdad was a tyrant and when she joined the army, her recruiter sexually assault her. So, lots of baggage.

But like I said, I know it's my fault for not getting help until she pulled the pin. But, I guess I was medicated to the point, I didn't think anything was wrong or cared or figured she didn't know what she was talking about. Looking back down the last couple of days, I now see I wasn't the best husband or father. Been getting more involved with the kids, church, and of course counseling. We still are sleeping in the same bed and she still calls me “honey”; so I don’t know what’s going on. 

I know it not easy being married to a cop or service member(national guard) and I’m both, so this is doubly stressful on her.

Anyways,

Been an uneasy calm since then. Almost like we're roommate instead of married. Hasn't mentioned anything else about filing since the original bombshell so I don't know. Possibly she looking a way out of the divorce talk while trying to save face. Hoping it's just mid-life crisis

Guys at work call me a 50's dad. Work my ass off for the family and let the wife stay at home a raise the kids. I don't think anything is going on as she is with the kids for the better part of the entire day. Could be a Facebook fling, she started talking to old male friends from high school and they are constantly texting her. From sun up to sun down. But I think we still have that trust about creeping. She stated in the past during the happier times, the worst sin anyone can commit is cheating on a spouse. So I got to believe that this situation is she feels hurt I let her down by not getting help until now and it’s her unresolved past / mid-life thing.

Don't know if it's wrong or right but GOD know I still love her and I want to work this out. What do I do ???


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Sorry to see you here.

These things seem to happen like mini-epidemics at PD's. One wife starts a chain reaction.

The big odds generally are that there is another man involved. Start by ruling that out first, and not by asking her. Investigate. Look at Facebook and phone history. You are likely going to find something surprising.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

I wouldnt sell my stuff. She needs to be more understanding considering what you have been through. Being a stay at home mom how does she plan to support herself. You are jumping the gun and seems to me she hasn't thought this out at all. 

Dont confront her with any doubts but do some snooping.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I just went through something similar. My husband has spent the last three months driving me crazy. Would tell me something that was making him unhappy with our marriage (for example, I don't touch him enough). I'd work to fix it, then he'd punish me (flinch away when I did or ask me why I was suddenly all over him.)
I finally asked him why he's been so passive aggressive. He told me he wasn't happy. Told me things were bad and he wasn't willing to work on it. 
Asked for six months where we would both really work and try to make the marriage better. If things didn't get better, then we'd give up but at least we'd have tried. He told me he didn't see the point in even trying six months since it would make no difference. 
Turns out he's been in a long term EA with another woman. I found that out by accident after checking some odd things on our phone bill.
After ages of trying to argue with him, I've finally given up and we're filing for divorce.
I hope so much things work out better for you.

PS: Thank you so much for all you've been doing for our country.


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## jj86gn (Aug 8, 2012)

I have access to her facebook and there doesn't seem to be anything that sticks out. Just talk about being unhappy and how I didn't listen to her until she pulled to pin. I don't have access to her i-phone but I still trust her as far as cheating. We are both Christians and again, with the kids being at her side almost 24/7, there's no time to cheat. From her past, she had to be real strong and sometime cold to survive. That's what I'm hoping that this just a phase.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You won't nice her out of this.


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## jj86gn (Aug 8, 2012)

Conrad,

So your saying I'm pretty much screwed???


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## jj86gn (Aug 8, 2012)

Ok,

So yesterday the wife asked to go shopping for front porch furniture. Thought this was very weird considering she's still talking about filing, but figured with would be a good chance to get out and do things we use to. While out, I mentioned "Why are you looking front porch furniture given our current conditions?" Her response was "well, I'm still here, right??"

Didn't press for any further clarification and it turned out to be a good day. Took the kids to the park and they and us had a wonderful time. 

Upon returning home, the kids were somewhat defiant towards her, saying words like “I hate you” and “I don’t love you” This caused her to clam up with me and become distant. 

Beginning to think the kids attitude towards her is effecting how she see and deals with me. Anybody want to give input into this???


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## jj86gn (Aug 8, 2012)

Oh,

Almost forgot. I sold my car and sat down and gave her the money. She stated about me not holding this over her head. I explained that the money for the car was hers the do what she wanted with it and that all my "Stuff" doesn't mean a thing if she is not by my side. She didn't say anything but she did get tears in her eyes. I did say anything else and walked away. e had a good night after that.


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

I tried to nice my way out of it, walked on eggshells for 8 months, got the same speech after that 8 months of trying my ass off. It wont work...I know everyone is different maybe it will. But I thought my wife was different too. She could not possibly do this to me, well, she is....


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

I'm in a similar posistion, my wife has left and said filing for divorce. the thing is, she still hasn't signed anything and when i ask her she say 'probably i will, 'i think i will' since then she is now very friendly and smiles at me all the time. She texts everyday but regarding the kids. I don't know if she hasn't made her mind up or she just dont care any more or doing to mess with my head ???

Im trying the 180 to see what happens


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