# Not in love?



## thebobby (Apr 21, 2011)

ok, so here is the deal...
Been married 8 years, have 2 little girls. Wife and I have had problems since before we married, most of which involve sex. I have what i believe to be a normal (maybe a little higher than normal) sex drive. My wife seems to have a very low drive. For the first few years of our marriage i even thought that she was sexually abused as a kid, because of how closed off she was sexually (swears she never was). At the start she would do things like: stop having sex in the middle of it, come on to me without allowing it to happen (couple times a week), refusing to try new things in bed (not much beyond missionary position), little to no sexual interest most of the time, acting like sex is a chore, very insecure attitude (even little arguements lead to her doubting our relationship), once told me she didn't care who she was with, as long as she wasn't alone... and so on. After a couple of years of this, I allowed myself to seek solace in internet pornography, which really caused a rift in our marriage. We have been to counseling, both together and seperate (i'm still going). I have been clean of porn for 5 years (pretty addictive stuff). 3 1/2 years ago we had a large argument that lead to me threatening divorce because of how rejected i feel. Nothing changed until about 6 months ago, at that time my wife started choosing to be a better lover. Says she loves me and apologized for being so closed off... i in turn apologized (again) for the porn. But now that she is everything i hoped she could be...i am not happy. I have been so unhappy for so long, i don't know how else to be. I don't think i love her anymore.
What should i do? I grew up with parents that were (and still are) madly in love with each other. I want that. Not sure how to get there. Help!
P.S. I know that the porn was wrong, i have done my best to control it (hence the current counseling), i do my fair share of the household chores and childcare, i am very good at supporting my family, i am the most romantic man alive (my counselor asked me to write down all of the romantic things i used to do for her, i wrote 78 items.)
Thanks for any ideas, advice, or experiences that might be helpful!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

i think she is finally giving you what you said you wanted, now i think she deserves a chance. maybe it is just something you need to get used to again. give it time.
are the 2 of you still in counseling?
if not, give it a try now that she is willing to do her part in trying.
try being the romantic again.
dont let her willingness go to waste


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

OMG you're a strong man. You deserve recognition for staying true to her and your commitment. That kind of long term rejection of that part of you (the sexual part) can be so destructive to your self esteem and confidence.

You held out without using it as an excuse to have an affair. I so admire that.

Baby steps. 

I had an affair more than a year ago and now my husband and I are working back toward each other. On an emotional level we are strong...he's my best friend again. But on the romantic front it's trickier.

I had protected myself by shutting myself off to him about a year before the affair. That's why it was so easy to have the indiscretion.....I had very few feelings left for him at the time. But now we are coming together and I see a light a the end of the tunnel I can gather strength and hope that more is to come. It's coming....slowly but surely....

I liken it to having sat on a limb for too long. It went numb from lack of circulation but with time and patience I am starting to see him romantically again. Nothing gets my heart pumping or makes me tingly quite yet but I can feel that we are on the cusp of a change....a turning point toward that feeling of being in love again....

Patience....give it time. It's been 14 months for me...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You can rebuild the passion in your marriage. Take a look at the links in my siganture block below about building a passionate marriage. If you work through those books together you will have a much better marriage than you have had in the past.

Your wife has come around. I wonder if you are resentful now that she was not like she is all along?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

There was lately a very long post here where both the H and the W contributed. A similar problem to yours and it turned out the H wasnt sure the W would not do the same again. I suppose thats your problem as well. Until you can be sure it wont go away.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thruhellandback said:


> OMG you're a strong man. You deserve recognition for staying true to her and your commitment. That kind of long term rejection of that part of you (the sexual part) can be so destructive to your self esteem and confidence.
> 
> You held out without using it as an excuse to have an affair. I so admire that.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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