# What do you think? Is this idea overboard?



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

So, the day I got married to my wife, some random guy messages me on FB and says, I'm ***cing your wife... I'm like dude, you got the wrong guy, blah blah blah. He shows that he is friends with her on FB. I ask my brand-new wife, and she says, NOWAY, never happened blah blah blah.

I write the guy off.

However, fast forward a year almost, and it has been an interesting relationship to say the least. She constantly accuses me of cheating and when I ask if she is cheating (those that scream the most are often the most guilty) she blows up!

The thought hit me this weekend... why not make a fake facebook with her photo, and friend this guy and see if he will admit/confess whatever, that they are together? 

Is that a bad idea? Or a brilliant one?!


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

You know what's going on. There are better ways of snooping.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

dadstartingover.com said:


> You know what's going on. There are better ways of snooping.


What are the better ways?! I obviously don't know.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This doesn't sounds like a healthy relationship at all. Why?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I actually think it's a pretty good idea. I would also try a VAR and monitor her phone just to make sure.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> I actually think it's a pretty good idea. I would also try a VAR and monitor her phone just to make sure.


I have no idea what a VAR is.. I'll have to look it up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I would do it, you have nothing to lose.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

The guy is already Facebook friends with her, he'll likely be suspicious getting another request.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> I have no idea what a VAR is.. I'll have to look it up.


It's a voice activated recorder.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Herschel said:


> This doesn't sounds like a healthy relationship at all. Why?


That wasn't the point of this thread 

I've posted in the other main section all about it. Feel free to read up there if you wish.

What sparked this, was the following:

About 2 weeks ago, we both agreed to start a new little business venture through network marketing. We have a great wearable product, and we sat down and made a list of names on who to contact first. This was to be her main venture, with me as the support. We had agreed upon that multiple times.

She didn't do anything for a week. Being results driven, I choose to make a move on the list. I contacted 4 folks on the list, 2 guys/2 girls. I told her the next time I talked with her, that I contacted 4 people (within a couple hours, max). She was like, ok. Then the next day, as we were driving, i opened up Messenger on my phone in front of her, (I always open my phone in front of her and never try to hide anything... she also has all my passwords etc, including fingerprint recorded to get into my phone but I still never want to act like i'm hiding.) and she see's two of the ladies on the top of my list. One of the ladies is very average looking and the other is a gorgeous model. She immediately says I'm cheating with the model one!!! I'm like, what?! No way, here's the messages, just read them. Regardless, both ladies and gentlemen were on the list and I tell her this... she won't hear it.

Fast forward 4 days, she is still pissed, won't talk to me, the works. She told me yesterday that she just can't get over the fact that I broke her trust by talking behind her back. I don't really see her point, but to try to patch things up, I agree that in the future she can talk to the ladies, and I'll talk to the guys. She still won't get over the trust issues.

Also, she has started to hide her phone more, keep it flipped over, etc etc the past week. Slightly strange behaviour from the norm. I rememeberd that this guy had messaged me on FB when we got married... and that's where this thought came from.

Now I don't really know when or how she could be cheating... I work from home and we are within ear shot of each other 24 hours a day practically. 

So I don't know... i just find it odd that she continuallys blows up when asked if there is anything she is hiding. I actually stopped asking months ago, because I knew she would explode!


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> The guy is already Facebook friends with her, he'll likely be suspicious getting another request.


She deleted him after our honeymoon I believe... so it could work. But it might be strange to not have any other friends. Hmmm... 

Also found it strange that this week, my wife was like, I want to change my phone number. Is that normal?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Dude.... stop. She's exhibiting troubling behavior that points to BPD and/or cheating. This is not going to end well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You idea of a fake facebook account is not a good idea. If she is cheating with him, he will ask her about it.

Have you checked her phone bill? Is there a number that she calls/texts a lot that might be a man?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You idea of a fake facebook account is not a good idea. If she is cheating with him, he will ask her about it.
> 
> Have you checked her phone bill? Is there a number that she calls/texts a lot that might be a man?


Can't get access to her electronic phone bill... plus she would use FB or another app most likely.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Can't get access to her electronic phone bill... plus she would use FB or another app most likely.


If I was not cheating, and my husband kept asking me if I was cheating, I'd be pretty pissed at him. So her reaction to you asking her over and over if she was cheating would be the same whether she was cheating or not.

If she is not cheating, and you make that fake account, and she finds out she will rightly be very pissed at you. 

Her reacting to you communicating with those women, did you only communicate to women? Or did you communicate about the same topic to men as well? Was there chit chat beyond the business issue with those women? 

Most people who cheat use their car as a private phone booth. So some people use a VAR and secure it under the front seat of the car with adhesive backed Velcro to find out if their spouse is contacting an affair partner while driving around. Of course doing this is illegal. But some people do it and never tell their spouse that they did it... they keep quiet and just use the info gathered to help confirm or rule out an affair.

There is a lot of mistrust in your marriage. 

Maybe you should just contact that guy and ask to talk to him. Ask him for any evidence he has that he was or is cheating with your wife.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If I was not cheating, and my husband kept asking me if I was cheating, I'd be pretty pissed at him. So her reaction to you asking her over and over if she was cheating would be the same whether she was cheating or not.
> 
> If she is not cheating, and you make that fake account, and she finds out she will rightly be very pissed at you.
> 
> ...


Regarding the "husband kept asking" I would only bring it up when she accussed me of cheating. Like I said, I haven't brought it up in months.

The communications with both the men and the women was exactly the same, no chit chat (actually a very little chit chat with the other girl she didn't care about, because we had worked together many years ago) and strictly business.

Good info on the VAR. I'll have to consider it. She rarely drives alone however.

I did ask for evidence last year when he contacted me. He didn't have any real evidence. My wife lied at first when I asked her about it, then it came out that she was friends with him on FB, and then I found an old call-log and it turns out she did talk with him on the phone for about a month, before I was around. That topic was never discussed/understood between the two of us. Up until this past weekend I actually had forgotten about it altogther and wrote it off as a non-issue due to: 1) It was before we were together and 2) My wife suffers from short term memory loss at times, and I blamed it on that.

Due to Uptown's assistance, I believe I might actually know what's going on.. I just had this hairbrained idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Regarding the "husband kept asking" I would only bring it up when she accussed me of cheating. Like I said, I haven't brought it up in months.
> 
> The communications with both the men and the women was exactly the same, no chit chat (actually a very little chit chat with the other girl she didn't care about, because we had worked together many years ago) and strictly business.
> 
> ...


Oh, so if she had anything this that guy, it was before you and your wife were together?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, so if she had anything this that guy, it was before you and your wife were together?


Well, depending on whose story you listen to... Her story was she only talked to him online before we were together. (Didn't admit to the phone calls or anything despite me finding them) The guys story was he has been sleeping with her every time he comes into town, and didn't even know she was engaged or getting married to me. He claimed to sleep with her about a month or two before the wedding.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Well, depending on whose story you listen to... Her story was she only talked to him online before we were together. (Didn't admit to the phone calls or anything despite me finding them) The guys story was he has been sleeping with her every time he comes into town, and didn't even know she was engaged or getting married to me. He claimed to sleep with her about a month or two before the wedding.


But he had no proof? No texts? No phone records? Nothing?

This is hard because it could just be a guy who was jealous and wanted to break you up so that he had a chance with her.

It sounds like your wife is a jealous woman. Does she get jealous anytime you talk to other women?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> But he had no proof? No texts? No phone records? Nothing?
> 
> This is hard because it could just be a guy who was jealous and wanted to break you up so that he had a chance with her.
> 
> It sounds like your wife is a jealous woman. Does she get jealous anytime you talk to other women?


Ya, you are probably right. Which is the same conclusion I came to at the time. I had a friend who is a Police Investigator read all the texts between him and me, and he agreed with me. The guy was most likely making it up since he couldn't give any proof. (but the phone calls that related to the month he claimed to meet her, did line up..) 

Yes, my wife tends to be quite jealous. I don't have any lady friends and only talk with her lady friends when she is in the same room! And I am very careful to never turn my head when another lady walks by etc.. I really try hard to not feed her jealousy.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Oh ya. This is why I started to think this weekend about her cheating again as well:

Whenever we would fight, or whatever, she would always say that if I died, or she left me, she would never be with another guy.

This weekend, she said, and I paraphrase, she'd find somebody else to take care of her if we divorced.

I thought that was odd.

Anyways, probably too much time on my hands to think and blowing these thoughts into mountains.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So she doesn't trust you, and you don't trust her. You have no evidence is her cheating except the thing that happened a year ago that wasn't provable, and her turning her phone over too much? I think you guys are going to both ruin your marriage because of this trust issue. 
Why don't you sit down and talk to her like an adult. You both have the same issues with each other. And discuss what you guys can do and are willing to do so that the other person feels safe. I don't think being sneaky and going behind your spouses back is warranted at this time because there is no indication of cheating.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

MrNightly said:


> The thought hit me this weekend... why not make a fake facebook with her photo, and friend this guy and see if he will admit/confess whatever, that they are together?
> 
> Is that a bad idea? Or a brilliant one?!


Why not just reply to the guy directly and ask for evidence? I once created a fake Skype account to catfish a man who my long-term girlfriend had dated the same time we were supposed to be exclusive. Skype is more anonymous and removes the likelihood that her friends/family will see her new FB account. This worked because my long-term girlfriend at the time was no longer in contact with the other man. It was the only way I could really know the truth, but it was very stressful.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> Oh ya. This is why I started to think this weekend about her cheating again as well:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes your being paranoid. Trust your wife, enjoy your wife. And communicate honestly about how you are feeling. Don't accuse her or doing anything wrong, but just talk about your feelings of insecurity.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> Yes your being paranoid. Trust your wife, enjoy your wife. And communicate honestly about how you are feeling. Don't accuse her or doing anything wrong, but just talk about your feelings of insecurity.


If it was only that easy 

But for the record, I choose to trust her. This was a wild idea I had this weekend, that is all.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> If it was only that easy
> 
> 
> 
> But for the record, I choose to trust her. This was a wild idea I had this weekend, that is all.




You don't trust her. Your trust wavers. I think you two need to address the issue and then put it to bed so to speak. Unresolved issues don't go away, they usually get worse.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> You don't trust her. Your trust wavers. I think you two need to address the issue and then put it to bed so to speak. Unresolved issues don't go away, they usually get worse.


Actually, Trust is a choice. I choose to trust her. In fact, I'm choosing right now, to trust her, by not investigating further.

She's not a woman you can sit down with and talk about things... that's just now how she works.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

How *naive* and cowardly can you BE? You've sat on this information for a year and done nothing.

What guy reaches out to a total STRANGER and tells him he's having sex with his new wife? 

What guy opens himself up to getting his ass kicked or all the other *possible* forms of retribution an angry jealous husband might seek on the guy whose fooling around with his wife? And what guy NEEDS that type of drama in his life if it isn't true???? You honestly think this guy took that chance just for ****s and giggles?

I can only assume she must have told him how passive and conflict-avoidant you are and that's why he told you - he knew you'd be too afraid to *do* anything about it. Making a fake Facebook? Good lord, that's something a 16 year old girl would do.


> Actually, Trust is a choice. I choose to trust her. In fact, I'm choosing right now, to trust her, by not investigating further.


Of course you do. The alternative is to man the hell up and take care of business - and *that* ain't happening anytime soon.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> How *naive* and cowardly can you BE? You've sat on this information for a year and done nothing.
> 
> What guy reaches out to a total STRANGER and tells him he's having sex with his new wife?
> 
> ...


Ok, I'll bite.

What would you recommend? An ass whopping?

I did what was logical. I asked for proof. Got none. I then asked someone who deals with people all day long, and my Detective friend said the guy was bluffing. 

Using raw force, (if anything, he lives in Cali, us, midwest) wouldn't accomplish anything but jail time. 

I didn't ask for the drama... but when it appeared to be nothing, I let it go. Not sure why it came back to my mind this past weekend. I'm hardly passive and/or conflict-avoidant. Also, she wouldn't even know how to describe that in English, so not likely.

I don't think she's the cheating type. She BPD, but not a cheater. 

I'm learning that with a BPD, I have to disregard all the emotional/verbal abuse they throw on you. Something I've not done well, until this past week while getting my learn on this topic.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> The guys story was he has been sleeping with her every time he comes into town, and didn't even know she was engaged or getting married to me. He claimed to sleep with her about a month or two before the wedding.


I believe his story. It's going to be hard for you to get proof now, but I think it happened. And I think the weirdness now is because she's getting the craving for something adventurous again. It might not be with this guy, but I suspect she's starting to wander in her mind and will likely go more down that path with someone.

I kind of think you should back off and see what happens. Start monitoring and looking for things, but don't get in her way. If this is who she truly is, you're better off getting out now when you're only 1 year in. So give her enough rope to hang herself, and if she does, walk away. It's not worth trying to fix a relationship with her if she really is wandering after one year.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> Ok, I'll bite.
> 
> What would you recommend? An ass whopping?
> 
> ...


I think you're making a mistake. Based on what you said you have no evidence that she is or is not cheating other than what she tells you. What did you expect the guy to do, hand you photos? He probably thinks that you would beat the hell out of him. This needs more investigation. Monitor her phone and get a VAR and put in in her car. You need to put this matter to rest once and for all.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Look, it's really simple. You don't trust your wife and your wife doesn't trust you. You guys fight, you suspect she might have cheated, and you think she has BPD. Is this how you want to live for the foreseeable future? If it were me I'd just divorce her and find someone that doesn't bring that much relationship drama with them.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Look, it's really simple. You don't trust your wife and your wife doesn't trust you. You guys fight, you suspect she might have cheated, and you think she has BPD. Is this how you want to live for the foreseeable future? If it were me I'd just divorce her and find someone that doesn't bring that much relationship drama with them.


We just had a baby girl. 

If we divorce, she'll move back to Thailand, and then I'll never see my daughter.

That option doesn't seem reasonable to me.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Well that's pertinent info that changes everything. I hope you two can work it out for the sake of your daughter. I'd also recommend you run a DNA test on your daughter.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> We just had a baby girl.
> 
> If we divorce, she'll move back to Thailand, and then I'll never see my daughter.
> 
> That option doesn't seem reasonable to me.


I think you need to seriously think about what your life will be like going forward if you stay with her. Unless you can get a handle on this and somehow change her personality, it's only going to get worse. Think about how you'll feel after living with her like this for 10-20 years. I understand wanting to stay together for the sake of your daughter, but realize that it's not going to be smooth sailing. Come up with a plan for what you'll do if she stays like this or gets worse. It'll help you keep your sanity and not get surprised by her actions.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

wilson said:


> I think you need to seriously think about what your life will be like going forward if you stay with her. Unless you can get a handle on this and somehow change her personality, it's only going to get worse. Think about how you'll feel after living with her like this for 10-20 years. I understand wanting to stay together for the sake of your daughter, but realize that it's not going to be smooth sailing. Come up with a plan for what you'll do if she stays like this or gets worse. It'll help you keep your sanity and not get surprised by her actions.


Good thoughts.

I've actually been considering when it would be appropriate to seperate. My girls will be 18+ in 5-6 years. Our newborn would be 5 to 6 in said time. That would be reasonable for a seperation/divorce.

I don't think she will ever get over her BPD. She has never apologized once in our entire relationship. She reasons with a very young emotional level. I don't expect it to change. Knowing more about BPD, I can handle the reactions and abuse with an end-game in sight and emotional stability. And perhaps she does learn or agrees to counseling... anything is possible.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Good thoughts.
> I've actually been considering when it would be appropriate to seperate. My girls will be 18+ in 5-6 years. Our newborn would be 5 to 6 in said time. That would be reasonable for a seperation/divorce.


I think this is a good plan considering that kids are involved. Probably the best outcome for them and you can maintain your sanity. If you divorce when your daughter is that young, she'll be upset at the time but adjust okay. It gives you time to plan as appropriate. And if you get to that time and things are good, then you can decide what you want to do.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Maybe I missed it, but did we get more background? Previous marriage? Your nationality / residence / ethnicity? If you are divorced and substantially older than your spouse, and a different ethnicity, not shocking that everything changes once she gets her baby from you. Sorry, but good chance she played you. Now you will be supporting her a good long time.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Here's how I read the situation. If she is hiding her phone from you and you don't have her passwords then she is probably having an affair. And the reason she blew up at you so irrationally is she is setting up a defense to cover her own infidelity. If she weren't hiding her cell phone and being sneaky about it, I wouldn't be concerned. But that is a dead give away.

Keep tabs on her cell phone activity as much as you can. If you can put spyware on it, that's the way to go. A VAR placed in places where she is most likely to have private conversations is also a good strategy. Under your bed and under her car seat are two good places. It worked for me when I did my snooping.

Investigate, verify your suspicions, and let us know what you find out.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

wilson said:


> I think this is a good plan considering that kids are involved. Probably the best outcome for them and you can maintain your sanity. If you divorce when your daughter is that young, she'll be upset at the time but adjust okay. It gives you time to plan as appropriate. And if you get to that time and things are good, then you can decide what you want to do.


Correct. I divorced from my 1st wife when my girls were 3 and 4 roughly. They don't remember us ever being together (For the best) I actually picked 5 years so that my older girls can be out of the house or close to. They don't deserve to go through any more drama from Dad's house.

Of course, my Wife might end up be a cheater and that time line will be thrown to pot. Time will tell. Until then, I'm back to trying to find a personal life, support my wife when her BPD episodes are over, and keeping my sanity.

Guess I might have to take up porn too now. Ugh.


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