# My H cheated not I have a 'get out of jail for free' card



## Xia (Jun 28, 2009)

This is my second post. The first one was I couldn't get a hold of my husband and was worried that he's cheating on me. Sure enough he was and with many women.

Part 1
I found out about the affair(s) on Thursday. I saw a lovenote that wasn't for me. I called my husband (he was out of town (not surprise)). He adamantly denied the note and told me that wasn't his but I kept telling him that the note had his handwriting. He finally said that he has to tell me in person and won't be doing it over the phone. I said you either come back or I will go there. I took the plane that night and that was the longest one hour plane ride in the world. He confessed about the affair that it started this year around April or May and he ended it at the end of the summer or beginning of September. I know the OW. I asked him if there are anymore because I know that there is and this couldn't be the only one. He kept denying that this was the only affair in our entire 11 years of marriage. WHAT A LIE! He was begging, crying and pleading to give him a chance that it was a mistake and just a mistake and he said that he'll do whatever it takes to get me to trust him again. WHATEVER!

I was furious. He's disgusting, pure evil, lower than dirt and has the darkest heart I know. I was also upset that the OW was a friend of mine. He said that he should have lied about who the OW was (because he has a lot of women to draw out of the hat). 

I had my own room but I couldn't sleep that night. I was hoping that I had Gravol so I could go to sleep. I had to get up the next morning to catch the flight back. I actually went to work and I don't know how I survived that day. I haven't been sleeping and eating very much the past three days. I guess it's kinda of good thing that I will lose weight without trying 


When H got back in town on Friday he was again pleaded and begged. Does he think I'm so foolish that I'll just forgive and forget that he's been deceiving me for severals years? GIVE ME A BREAK! I asked him if he would have told me if I hadn't seen the love note and he said that he would have never told me. I also asked him about the other women and he said 'I told you, there has been no one else' and only the OW. HE DESERVED AN OSCAR. 

I realized that this isn't normal and how can somebody live in two lives without feeling guilty or remorse? He's really sick in the head. His mom has some mental issues but not this narcisistic personality.

I texted the OW on Friday and she called my H and my H finally after several minutes told her that he lied to her and told her that we're separated....you see...that's truly caniving (sp?) When I saw the OW Saturday morning she was in tears and shocked. She said that she couldn't imagine someone doing that. She said that's she's pretty smart and can read people very well but she was duped too. I was glad to hear from her that she wouldn't have gone through with the affair had she knew that we were still married. The good thing is that what my H told me on Thursday was the same as what she had told me except she gave more details (of course).

He ruined a lot of lives especially mine and my two boys but we're going to survive this and would be a better person. He's very good in talking and getting his way but I wouldn't believe anything he says. He's a liar to the core. I told him that he has .00001% chance that we'll get back together. I also told him that he needs to get help with this 'illness'. He met with the pastor yesterday and he's going to meet him again tomorrow (Monday) and he said he also want to see a therapist. Speaking of therapist, we were in couples therapy over the summer and at the same time he was having an affair! WHAT A JOKE!

I saw him this afternoon (Sunday) and he looked awful. He told me that he hasn't eated and slept since Thursday except when he went to McDonalds and sat there by himself and was crying and people was looking at him. SERVES HIM RIGHT (if he's even telling the truth). He finally admitted that there's more than the OW this spring and summer. He said that he's too embassed to tell me so he'll be writing it down and we'll discuss it tomorrow. I won't believe it all because I believe there are even more but I'll keep you posted about the additional women. I already know of two more. I actually emailed one of them so I can verify if he's telling the truth and the other one is probably a co-worker. He said that he started cheating after he lost his business. His business was his life and his identity but no one put a gun on his head to f...k these women. He said that he felt like a loser and hated not being able to provide at that time. (where's the violin) and what about this OW this year when you have a very good job? When there's no trust then there's no marriage.

Part 2
I met my first love when I was seventeen and that's almost 20 years ago. It was pure and innocent and nothing physical happened. My family moved and we still kept in touch. The last time I saw him was 12 years ago and it was wonderful and the connection we have is priceless. The last time I talked to him was a few months after I got married. We never contacted each other since. I saw his mom three years ago and said that he still couldn't bare looking at my wedding pictures and videos. I also heard that got depressed around the first year of my marriage but I can't be certain if I'm the reason. The HUGE thing is that I've been thinking about him all these years....ALL THESE YEARS! AND I MEAN EVERYDAY all these years. I truly believe that he's been thinking of me too. I never contacted him during my marriage because I knew that I would be throwing in the towel with my marriage but I always believe that one day we'll be together but I'm in this marriage and I'm committed. 

Now I have a 'get out of jail for free' card. My husband gave me this card when he broke our covenant of marriage. Now I am free to leave without any guilt or shame. I told my H about this guy and he got jealous and said that he would never let me go and he'll do whatever it takes...blah...blah...blah... LIKE HE HAS CHOICE. What is wrong his these H? Whether they're the cheater or the one cheated on they always want to keep the marriage even when there's no hope? 

I really want to see this guy but because my wounds from this relationship is so new and I don't want any emotional luggage to take on this new one. I'm waiting until next summer to contact him. I will call his mom just to make sure he's not married because I would NOT want be the OW. As far as I know he's not married. I think I'll be devasted if he is married more than the disolution of my marriage. 

I thank you for your input and advice.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

X,

Sounds like you guys have amicable divorce coming, after all to give a free card means just that, honey go you go and enjoy yourself.

Yes, divorce and decontaminate yourself of this damaged relationship (baggage) and see what happens. This also gives you time to flutter your free wings remember you have been caged.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Xia said:


> Part 2
> I met my first love when I was seventeen and that's almost 20 years ago. It was pure and innocent and nothing physical happened. My family moved and we still kept in touch. The last time I saw him was 12 years ago and it was wonderful and the connection we have is priceless. The last time I talked to him was a few months after I got married. We never contacted each other since. I saw his mom three years ago and said that he still couldn't bare looking at my wedding pictures and videos. I also heard that got depressed around the first year of my marriage but I can't be certain if I'm the reason. The HUGE thing is that I've been thinking about him all these years....ALL THESE YEARS! AND I MEAN EVERYDAY all these years. I truly believe that he's been thinking of me too. I never contacted him during my marriage because I knew that I would be throwing in the towel with my marriage but I always believe that one day we'll be together but I'm in this marriage and I'm committed.
> 
> Now I have a 'get out of jail for free' card. My husband gave me this card when he broke our covenant of marriage. Now I am free to leave without any guilt or shame. I told my H about this guy and he got jealous and said that he would never let me go and he'll do whatever it takes...blah...blah...blah... LIKE HE HAS CHOICE. What is wrong his these H? Whether they're the cheater or the one cheated on they always want to keep the marriage even when there's no hope?
> ...


Xia,

What a heartbreaking story! The fact that your husband cheated and the fact that you are now so happy to have the "get out of jail free" card.

I highlighted a few of your comments in red above. I apologize if I'm speaking out of misunderstanding. It sounds to me as if you'd already broken your marriage vows. Not physically, no. But in the lack of emotional comittment you expressed by saying about the OM "I always believe that one day we'll be together" you are, imo, saying that you NEVER believed your current marriage would work. You were only putting in the time until "something" happened that would provide you with the get out of jail free card you were waiting on.

I'm not in any way condoning what your H has done nor am I making it a smaller betrayal than what it is. I am asking for your own sake, that you look at your own actions to determine if you've really put into your current marriage the comittment that you believe you have. You in NO way owe me or anyone else an answer to that. It is strictly a question for you to ponder on your own. Maybe you will find you have both contributed to the demise of your marrage? Maybe there is some hope if you will see that it usually takes two to end a marriage?

I wish you the best and I hope that you can eventually forgive your H for his mistakes/transgressions and that you can find in yourself the truth about your own participation in the marriage.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Lost,

See my post, in total agreement with you.

Sounds like its over.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

Actually VP, I'm not sure we agree.

I'm hoping that IF Xia can find that her actions within the marriage (of thinking DAILY of the OM and believing that THEY will one day be together) is as big of a betrayal as her H's physical affair.

I firmly believe that IF she finds this is the case then there IS hope for this marriage. It will take a huge comittment and a lot of work but it can be saved if they both want it enough.

I find it extremely sad that she married her current H while all the time expecting to BE with the OM. I cannot see how this card she's been given exonerates her from her own responsibilities to her vows. But, that is only my opinion and has no bearings on her feelings in the matter. She is completely entitled to her feelings and beliefs and I'm only sharing mine as an opportunity for her to pause and consider another point of view.

Thank you though,
Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Xia I am sorry about your marriage. I am totally biased because my husband is cheating on me and moving out today so i say go for whatever takes the pain and bitterness away. I just want to say that the wheres the violin comment totally cracked me up. laughed out loud for real!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Xia (Jun 28, 2009)

OMG, I just called his mom and he got married in June of this year. I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!! This isn't happenning. How much devastation can I take in one week? I'm six months too late :-( I can't call him eventhough I want to. I told myself that if he's married then it wasn't meant to be. It's very hard to take it right now. 

LuvMyH, you have a point that perhaps I'm feeling vulnerable but I thought about him all these times. I really thought that God would want me to be with him. I guess it was just fantasy. This is very hard for me to accept. That woman is very lucky to have married him. I'm jealous.

Noideato20, I'm glad you had a good laugh especially we're going through the same thing. I hope you take comfort in reading the posts in here as I do. We'll make it somehow but I'm not looking forward these next several months.

Lovedandconfused, you're right. I didn't have a PA but I wasn't 100% devoted to my H if I thought about someone else during our marriage and fantasize about him (a lot) even during sex.

My H told me about this other woman. Not the one that started this spring but this one started last year in September. He said that this one was a bootycall/f...kfriend and he ended it in July. That means that he was doing three of us during the months of May, June and July. How disgusting! I feel so dirty. I went to my doctor and got checked today. My H went with me and I asked him to ask the doctor for a psychiatrist referral because it's not normal for people to function like that. He told me that it was taking it's toll on his body with having these lies after lies with all three of us. I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY. I do not believe anything he says. Who knows there could have been other women. All I know that no one can ever keep a secret and somehow you'll be caught. I asked about intimate details about these two women and he told me. It was very hard to take but I was surprised that he was that honest with me on this. He told me that it was very hard for him to tell me about it and he felt lighter telling me. HE HAS FEELINGS? Only a monster could do what he had done. I told him that I can never trust him. 

There's still some options to work on this marriage and it would be very very hard but I don't know if I'm willing to do that. The problem is that I don't want any other guy except for my first love. I don't want to meet anybody new. I'm truly devasted.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I understand your hurt and have been there but you sound like "the grass is greener on the other side" with this other guy. It is not the answer and now too late anyway. Your husband made a mistake and for sure was wrong, do you want to try and salvage the marriage? Many of us were able to do just that after an A. You need to decide are you better off with him or without him. If you want to try you need to make an effort to forgive him or it will tear you apart. Also, there is no physcological problem with him, he cheated on you, it happens every day. Not your fault, all his but he is not crazy...


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## Tweak (Nov 18, 2009)

Your husband may have a mental problem.
It still NO excuse for cheating on you.
Your harboring of these feelings for your first love,may be a transference of what you are subconsciously missing with your husband. Transference - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
You have done no favors to your husband by harboring these feelings.
While it is natural to have a special place in your heart about your first love.It is problematic that you have stated you dwell on him to the point of obsession. 
You need to deal with this issue.
Seek therapy for your self,if this continues,because you do not want to act upon trying to contact him.You do not want to be the Other Woman,put his new love into your shoes.
If you and your husband stay married,seek therapy to work past his cheating.Rebuild it if you can.

I feel for you,I really do.

Hell has a special table on reserve for cheaters that are unremorseful or who are upset because they got caught.

Make sure he is TRULY sorry,then the chances of him doing it again are alot less.Then you can be married to him.Knowing your spouse is truly sorry about it would make all the difference in the world to me.


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