# Husband compared us to a candle



## lonely one

I'll try to make this short. Been married 17 years, together 19. Have 14 and 9 year old sons. Husband had an affair when we were married 5 years and then again 2 years ago. We went to marriage counseling. I am stubborn and I don't give up. I don't want my my marriage to end. I like my life and how everything is going except for our relationship. It is not bad. He is good to me. He is kind to me. He doesn't communicate at all so I have to drag things out of him little by little. We had a long talk a couple of days ago and he told me that our marriage was like a candle that he has. It's in a glass vase. He tried to light it with a lighter and the lighter wouldn't reach the candle any longer because the candle has burned down to almost the bottom of the vase. Very good analogy. He said he loves me and cares about me, but he can't get to our marriage. He said it's still there and if he didn't want to be here he would have left. Ok. But he says he has given up. He said he wanted us to be closer and that is exactly what I want. I don't understand him. What are things that I can do to make us closer after we have been so far apart? I am a SAHM and I do everything for him. He travels part of the week. I make sure his wardrobe is clean, his medications are filled, he has everything he needs. I buy him cards, I tell him how much he is appreciated. He initiates absolutely no affection. If there is anything, I am the one to initiate. I tried the ignore him and maybe he would come around and that didn't work. If anything, it made us further apart. Any ideas would be appreciated. I don't think he is going anywhere and I think I have time to make him come around.


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## Maneo

Sorry to say but I think your husband feels he can have the best of all things.,, for him. A marriage with benefits of homemaker and child rearing and all the social respectability that brings. But I predict he will stray again since he's done it twice with no significant repercussions. 
Try finding activities that will involve both of you so you have more time together.


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## lonely one

I realize he's not the most trustworthy of people, but I can tell when he's lying to me (usually) I knew about his affairs before he told me from the way he was acting and treating me. He said that he would never do it again, that he has learned his lesson. He said that he has decided to stay for the children and work and support his family and do what he is supposed to do. We go on a date every weekend. We spend time together when is at home. We went to a winery and had a wine tasting and a tour today. I am trying to just find something that might bring us emotionally closer. If he does go out on me again, it will definitely be over and he will wish he had never been born. The law is on my side in our state and I always told him that I would take everything that he had. We actually talked about separating in January and I sent him a contract for the "living separated under one roof" and laid it out step by step of how it was going to be. He couldn't believe that I had thought about all of that ( I got it off of this board). He decided then, that he didn't want to go anywhere.


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## Openminded

You say you can "usually" (not always) tell when he's lying. Maybe next time he will be better at it. Maybe there won't be a next time. But you don't know. 

So meanwhile you are playing a waiting game and he doesn't appear to be doing much of anything to make things better.

You are hoping he will just wake up one day. But what if he doesn't? Can you live that way the rest of your life?


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## lonely one

We'll see. For now, I'm o.k. with it. He actually doesn't act like he talks. I really would have not known he felt the way he said he does. I told him today that I thought he was happier than he thinks he is. I think a lot of it has to do with his history of depression. He really isn't right in his mind. He thinks too much and is a negative person.


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## Wiserforit

His analogy is of no practical value, and you see this a lot when people are manufacturing excuses or diversions instead of directly addressing the problem. 

He is claiming to try, yet it isn't working. Well just exactly what has he actually tried? The lack of communication is actually the first place to start. You can't fix what you refuse to acknowledge. And the problem is not a metaphor. 

A counselor can act as a good guide by asking the right questions and being an impartial referee.


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## Woodchuck

lonely one said:


> I'll try to make this short. Been married 17 years, together 19. Have 14 and 9 year old sons. Husband had an affair when we were married 5 years and then again 2 years ago. We went to marriage counseling. I am stubborn and I don't give up. I don't want my my marriage to end. I like my life and how everything is going except for our relationship. It is not bad. He is good to me. He is kind to me. He doesn't communicate at all so I have to drag things out of him little by little. We had a long talk a couple of days ago and he told me that our marriage was like a candle that he has. It's in a glass vase. He tried to light it with a lighter and the lighter wouldn't reach the candle any longer because the candle has burned down to almost the bottom of the vase. Very good analogy. He said he loves me and cares about me, but he can't get to our marriage. He said it's still there and if he didn't want to be here he would have left. Ok. But he says he has given up. He said he wanted us to be closer and that is exactly what I want. I don't understand him. What are things that I can do to make us closer after we have been so far apart? I am a SAHM and I do everything for him. He travels part of the week. I make sure his wardrobe is clean, his medications are filled, he has everything he needs. I buy him cards, I tell him how much he is appreciated. He initiates absolutely no affection. If there is anything, I am the one to initiate. I tried the ignore him and maybe he would come around and that didn't work. If anything, it made us further apart. Any ideas would be appreciated. I don't think he is going anywhere and I think I have time to make him come around.


My wife was in a depression over loosing 2 sisters, no love no communication just disrespect and fights...

I told my wife I missed the intimacy, and she almost scoffed at me...She was hostile, negative, and flew into rages....I finally said I was thinking about geting a divorce......

It seemed like we both had a moment of clarity...We both knew we had too much invested in our marriage to just quit...It was then that we did the 5 Love Languages program. The results were astonishing...The change wasn't so much in my wife, as in me....

I realised how much I really loved her, and started showing that love more...The result is that she has blossomed into a warm loving sexual woman...The one I married 47 years ago. 

We have long leasurely sessions of cuddling, talking, and making love like honeymooners.....She reads my TAM posts behind my back, and I recently wrote about how turned on I was about her perfume and silky blouse she wore...Yesterday she unpacked her silky lingere.......

Was it worth the effort? You tell me...

I will say that the book is not the key. There are a dozen or more books out there that would probably work as well...The real key is that BOTH partners want to make the committment to love each other.... 

If your husband is willing to try to love you and you him, you can make it work...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## lonely one

I love your story woodchuck. We tried the 5 love languages. He was still in his affair then, he wouldn't do any of it. I don't think he can. For whatever reason, he has built a wall up and I can't get in. However, today, he is talking about buying a house and going on another cruise, so I can't take him too seriously when he goes on his rants. I just am taking it day by day.


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## lonely one

Well, we definitely aren't getting along now. I had time to think about his analogy. I love my life, but I am so tired of being on this rollercoaster. I don't think i put it in, but last Thursday I picked up his cell phone to move it and on the front screen he had a game request from the OW. It's been 2 years. I thought she was out of the picture. I confronted him about it. He apologized and said it was just a game and he didn't even think anything of it. I did! He said he deleted her as a friend. How am I supposed to know this? His cell phone is a company phone and is private. I can't get into it and he won't let anyone touch it. Suspicious, right? He is out of town now, working. I sent him a long e-mail this morning. I asked him if he was serious in his analogy and how did he expect me to trust him when that phone was so secretive and her name was on it the other morning. I probably have opened a can of worms and my life as I know it is now over.


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## Wiserforit

lonely one said:


> Well, we definitely aren't getting along now. I had time to think about his analogy. I love my life, but I am so tired of being on this rollercoaster. I don't think i put it in, but last Thursday I picked up his cell phone to move it and on the front screen he had a game request from the OW. It's been 2 years. I thought she was out of the picture. I confronted him about it. He apologized and said it was just a game and he didn't even think anything of it. I did! He said he deleted her as a friend. How am I supposed to know this? His cell phone is a company phone and is private. I can't get into it and he won't let anyone touch it. Suspicious, right? He is out of town now, working. I sent him a long e-mail this morning. I asked him if he was serious in his analogy and how did he expect me to trust him when that phone was so secretive and her name was on it the other morning. I probably have opened a can of worms and my life as I know it is now over.


So the OW is the glass vase that is keeping his hand from being able to light the flame of your marriage.

That's why I said analogies are usually B.S.


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## I got this

So he is with you because you have a detailed plan to ruin him and because of the kids not because he loves you and you do acts fo service. 

There isnt a lot of "hot" or "Warm fuzzy" there. Work on that maybe.


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## lonely one

Mr Used To Know said:


> So he is with you because you have a detailed plan to ruin him and because of the kids not because he loves you and you do acts fo service.
> 
> There isnt a lot of "hot" or "Warm fuzzy" there. Work on that maybe.


Sorry, but your post totally confuses me. I am not sure what you are saying.


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## lonely one

He read the e-mail I sent and replied. He was really tired from work, so he said he wanted to reply, but he would go into more detail later. He has apologized several times. I told him that I know that his cell phone is a company phone but it is suspicious to me because he used to talk to her and text, etc. on his other company phone(he has changed jobs). I have no access to it, so my mind goes crazy wondering what he is doing on it. He used to be on it all of the time, he is not now. He said that he understands and that I should be able to trust him. That I deserve that. I told him that I thought he was happier than he thinks he is and he said he thinks I might be right. I dont' think she is still in the picture. He shouldn't have her as a friend on one of his games, though. I won't tolerate that.


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## I got this

Reminds me of a quote from "When Harry Met Sally"

"And that candle is ****ing my wife"


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## hookares

Two affairs? I have found that it's better to be alone and single than to be lonely and married.


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## I got this

lonely one said:


> Sorry, but your post totally confuses me. I am not sure what you are saying.


I said this 

So he is with you because you have a detailed plan to ruin him and because of the kids not because he loves you and because you do acts fo service. 

There isnt a lot of "hot" or "Warm fuzzy" there. Work on that maybe. 

Based on this.



lonely one said:


> He said that he has decided to stay for the children
> 
> I am trying to just find something that might bring us emotionally closer.
> 
> I always told him that I would take everything that he had.
> 
> laid it out step by step of how it was going to be.
> 
> He couldn't believe that I had thought about all of that
> 
> He decided then, that he didn't want to go anywhere.


Thats not a loving marriage to me. With all due respect its seems more like coercion, blackmail, extortion. 

You wanted suggestions. I would undo the damage caused from all the hostilities and change your attitude about "stay with me or I will ruin you". 

You can disagree of course. Jus trying to help but I wouldnt stay for those reasons or be interested if my wife did. Its just sad really. Not for you?


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## *LittleDeer*

He isn't feeling close to you because he chose to cheat, to put his energy into other women, to disregard you and your feelings. He has chosen to not be in the marriage with you mentally.

If you did want a whole marriage with him it would take you standing up to him and standing firm. Have good boundaries and mean them, start being more selfish and live more for you, because your husband is not putting you first. 

He's lazy and selfish and you deserve better.


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## lonely one

OK Mr. Used to Know, I'm with you now. LOL I'm sorry I didn't tell him that I would take everything that he had in the same conversation as the candle. I told him that years ago. I try to condense my post and then they don't make sense. Sorry. I did lay it out step by step of how it was going to be, though. He wanted a divorce, I suggested a "separation under the same roof". I spelled out, he would have his space, I would have mine, joint space in the house would be with the children. He would still pay all of the bills with him getting and "allowance", if you will. Then, when our lease was up in January, we would figure out where each of us was going to go and how it was going to work at that time. I did tell him in another conversation that I had looked up the laws in our state and found a calculator of how much alimony and child support he would have to pay.


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## I got this

Understood. 

My point is of you want to warm things up and improve your marriage the reasons you are together should be love not discomfort with the consequneces of splitting. 

With all due respect you seem to be wearing a badge of pride about scaring him into compliance with the details of what a split would be like. It seems to me that comes from anger. Warmth and love isnt built from that. 

I understand you have some issues with him and perhaps he isnt worthy of your effort BUT...

If you WANT to improve things the reason to stay together has to be love NOT kids, finances and fear because that isnt fostering a warm loving relationship. Its compliance thru intimidation and I dont think that will work


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## lonely one

You are incorrect about the "badge of pride". I am so much more family oriented than he is. His upbringing was strange to me. I am just trying to make him understand what he would be missing if he left. But that's o.k. I have decided to stop trying. I am tired of him hurting me. I am worth more than he thinks. The next time he says something about wanting out or divorce or whatever, I am going to tell him that if he wants to go to just go. I would love for him to stay with me, I do love him, and the kids love him.


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## I got this

Fair enough. Tone is tough to read in text. My bad. 

I weould like you to consoder something though. MY wife kind of gave me an ultimatum about 6 years ago before I knew how to be a good husband and what mu wife needed. It woke me up and I hitthe books learning about marriage, relationships and such because I didnt want to lose her. It worked. 

At the moment it appears you are keeping the levelof seriousness to yourself. If you have tried everythiung else then you have nothing to lose by biding your time until he effs up again. 

Why not level with him that it needs to happen now or else its game over. Maybe he will surprise you like I did my wife at the remarkable turn around. I wasnt a cheater but I neglected my wife of affection, attention and respect and she was numb from the pain.

We are now a hit couple again because she told it to me straight and I got the message loud and clear, read 30 plus books, hundreds of articles and this forum to turn it around once and for all.


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## lonely one

Kind of gave you an ultimatum? What did she say? I think I do try to come from a place of love. I am the only one. I am very affectionate. I am the one to hug him, kiss him or initiate anything else. I tell him I love him. He never does. He reciprocates.Never first. I tried stopping to see if he would come to me but it only drove us further apart. I am just tired.


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## lonely one

Well, I really did it. He is out of town and I had written him an e-mail a couple of days ago about us and what is going on. He replied tonight and then I replied back. I went to my counselor today and she told me to tell him that I loved him and the kids love him and we want him to stay, but I am not going to try to convince him to stay any more If he wants to stay, he needs to make a commitment and if he wants to leave, he should just leave. Wow! He told me that I had a tone and he thinks I would be better off without him. I told him, his words not mine. I did say a few things that weren't that nice. Like, that I was always the one that was trying and he should be the one trying to regain my trust and make me want him to stay after what he has done. And that he shouldn't have any secrets, because I don't, passwords, computers, etc. He always turns it around and makes it my fault.


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