# Stuck



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

A little background: When my husband came back from a business trip in November I discovered that he deleted late night texts from a female. He lied about it until I gave her name. He's lied about a lot of things for a very long time. This wasn't a one time thing that upset me, but it was the last straw. I do not trust this man. Since then he's been working on being honest with me, showing me he cares in ways that he used to, and hearing me when I talk. 

He gets angry extremely easily, so I've been working on diffusing situations. Usually it leads to me having to walk away. For a while, he seemed to understand that when he talked calmly things were solvable. Seeing him in control of himself was a giant turn on for me. I felt like I had a husband again. He had a slip-up or two a week, but I figure I need to expect that while he's learning. 

I think with my increase in libido, his willingness to work on the relationship decreased. Last week we had sex five times (our usual is two). After the last time it started going down hill fast. He began yelling at me and cursing. I'd let him know that cursing wasn't acceptable, he'd use yelling in it's place. I'd walk away and let him know that we can talk when he's calm. He's trying to rightfight again. He's yelling at the kids. 

I am beyond frustrated. It feels like I'm dealing with a child. How the hell am I supposed to be turned on by that? After the first two nights of telling him I wasn't in the mood, I let him know that I felt like our relationship was heading in the wrong direction and I was finding it hard to be intimate. He said, "okay." Apparently the commercials on the television deserved more attention. His choice.

He left me alone that night and tried the night after that. He blew up and said he was tired of being rejected and that he wouldn't even try anymore. This morning he pushed (not hard, but pushed is the correct verb) our two year old out of the bathroom. When he wanted to punish him (we do Love and Logic room time) he put him in his room and started yelling at him to sit on his bed. When he didn't sit on the bed my husband shut off the lights and shut the door. What the hell is that supposed to accomplish? Scare the kid into behaving!?! Come the hell on. 

I'm finding it hard to feel anything for him at this point. If I were to bring up the fact that he pushed our child he'd say it was our child's fault. This man is not accountable for anything. But I'm supposed to continue putting out!?! 

I want this family to work out. I KNOW that we could be good, but he has to genuinely want to try. Not try to the point of getting sex then reverting to old behaviors. 

I'm so frustrated.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Oh how I understand your frustration! As you read in my post, my husband and I go round and round in patterns and circles that drive me and him insane as well.

I wish I had good advice although I will say that in my case when I actually was ready and willing to separate, my husband's behavior did a 180. I'm not sure if it will stick or if we will maintain changes as it just happened but I hope so.

Have you ever made it clear to him through action just how serious you are about not wanting to deal with his behavior and how it's affecting you?


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## kristinlloyd (Apr 22, 2010)

It seems like he is not meeting your needs and you are not meeting his needs in some ways. You are trying to work on it but maybe the communication is lacking. Men and women communicate differently and it could be that he misunderstands what you are saying, and gets upset and feels rejected. This in turn hurts his ego and then he reacts instead of responding responsibly. 
Some people are not big on books, but you might try the book, HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS - by Dr. Willard Harley. 
He also has a website called MarriageBuilders.com 
You might try checking out the book from the library before purchasing anything. 
The main point of the book is that a woman's basic needs are affection and intimacy, while a man's basic needs involve respect and sexual relations. But when someone's needs aren't being met, its hard to understand each other because someone (or both) put up a wall. Also communicating using "I" statements also work as well. I hope things work out for you! 

~Kristin


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Since then he's been working on being honest with me, showing me he cares in ways that he used to, and hearing me when I talk.
> 
> He gets angry extremely easily, so I've been working on diffusing situations. Usually it leads to me having to walk away. *For a while, he seemed to understand that when he talked calmly things were solvable. Seeing him in control of himself was a giant turn on for me. I felt like I had a husband again. *He had a slip-up or two a week, but I figure I need to expect that while he's learning.
> 
> *I think with my increase in libido, his willingness to work on the relationship decreased.* Last week we had sex five times (our usual is two). After the last time it started going down hill fast. He began yelling at me and cursing. I'd let him know that cursing wasn't acceptable, he'd use yelling in it's place. I'd walk away and let him know that we can talk when he's calm. He's trying to rightfight again. He's yelling at the kids.


So you figured out what worked for awhile, tried to positively reinforce the good stuff, and then when he got what he wanted (sex), he reverted to the old behaviors that are a TURN-OFF. Of course you're frustrated.

Does he see the connection between his (good and bad) behaviors and your attraction to him?

Does he know?

I find I need to "study" the patterns between me and my H...in some ways we're similar to what I hear you saying. When he yells, i can't be attracted, but when he's in control of himself, I try to show him how good that is. If he starts to seem complacent and just revert even after the sex and love increases, that is a cause for concern...thankfully, I haven't noticed that with us, BUT I wouldn't put it past us.

I guess my advice is to stand your ground with YOUR behaviors and energy that had contributed to the upswing before: stay calm, in control of yourself, and don't give in to the arguing. Just don't engage in it. WAY easier said than done. But you want this to work, and it won't work if you participate in a nasty cycle. Be too grown-up for that.

Somehow he needs to know there is a connection between HIS behavior and your relationship, and that HE needs to own it.

The hope is, the less you react to his anger, the more space you leave for HIM to have to face it and deal with it.

I feel for you. Hang in there.


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