# Completely Stuck



## LonelyMeHere (May 10, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I've got no one to discuss this with, it's absolutely killing me, I really need to talk to someone about the situation I am in and more importantly what should I do, I'm so close to situation it's hard to make a judgement call...

Let me begin. I met my wife 5 years ago. She was an illegal immigrant with no papers. At the time I was running a seriously successful business, I had a huge house, various high end cars etc. In short, money was no object and life was excellent. 

I had just left a 4 year relationship, not married but together for a very long time. I split up with my ex-girlfriend as I felt I didn't love her any more, she had became like my sister, I would look after her but I'd never see her as my wife. I decided to make the call, be honest with her and not waste anyones life anymore, I was very very unhappy. I let her know and a messy break up ensued but I'm sure it was the right thing to do, I couldn't go on living my life for someone else, I needed to be happy, I was miserable.

After the breakup I met my wife who was working minimal wage and had a horrible life. She could hardly speak any English, only Spanish. I spoke Spanish but not fluently, I devoted heaps of time to learn Spanish fluently so I could communicate properly with her. She told me she had a son back in her country and she was working illegally to support him. Her Mother was looking after her son.

We dated for about 6 months and I then told her to quit her job and come live with me. I then spent the next few months organizing visas and flying tens of thousands of miles (in first) in the process. I sorted out the Visa problems and we returned home. Here is where the problems started, she didn't want to speak to my friends, she didn't want my friends to come visit me. Her family were always visiting (at my expense) and we never had time alone, it bothered me but it didn't seem to bother her, I began to feel alone... She didn't want anything to do with my family, I cut them off. I was alone.

All the time, the visa clock was ticking, if she was to stay with me (I was willing to work hard at the relationship) we had to at least get engaged and plan the wedding. It all happened too quickly because of the restrictive visas, I was happy to get married, I knew it was a gamble but I really loved her and I wanted it to work so I was sacrificing everything in my life to make that happen.

Next on the list was to bring her son to the US, this is where the whole thing took a massive turn for the worse. On a visit back to Columbia I sat down to take care of the back log of emails I'd neglected as I'd been busy organizing everything. My employees had setup their own company, stealing all but 1 of my clients, I had taken my eye of the ball with the company and the employees that I'd been paying large salaries to for 9 years stabbed me in the back and took everything. The first emails I read were the letters of resignation. The company was shut down and I was unemployed. Sitting in sunny Columbia that afternoon I broke down, I couldn't function, I couldnt eat, there was no one to talk to in English, I was completely lost. I didn't know what to do, panic overcame me.

I knew I could go back to being a consultant which would bring in a six figure salary but I felt horrible, betrayed and it sent me into a depression. Everything I had worked hard for was now gone. Had I not been distracted this would never have happened. 

I told myself, lets fix the visa, the wedding and bring the little guy back home, then we'll worry about work. I had about $100k at that point, I spent almost every penny on the visa arrangements, flights, hotels and the wedding and called a few people to get some consulting jobs, which I did.

We returned to the US, work was terrible, I couldnt sustain the lifestyle I had before. My wife became angry, I became depressed. I couldn't work, I was then on medication. I was bringing in almost no money. I sold my cars, I sold my posessions, my watches etc to keep things going, hoping that I'd feel better and find the motivation to get going again. It never came, I felt beaten and down. My wife didn't support me, she then verbally and physically abused me for about 8 months, the lowest 8 months of my life. Constantly being called a loser. I was stabbed, whipped, punched repeatedly in the head / face, I am still covered in scars, stab marks and scratches, they will never go away, but that doesn't hurt as much as the verbal abuse I recieved.

I persuaded my wife to start a decorating business as she had a natural talent for it, it has become a massive massive success, she is making a lot of money, problem solved! Well, not quite. 

I have been on medication for anxiety and depression, I've no motivation and im pushed down constantly by her. I've not got much support.

What made me realize that this really is a bad situation is my wifes friend brought me a coffee and a sandwich this morning, I couldn't believe it, someone was doing something for me, I didn't ask her to do that. It brought a massive smile to my face for the first time in a long time. I am just so alone, I am a people person, I like to be with people, interact, help people etc but I've lost that, I don't like going out, I look a mess, I have massive potential to work and be successful again, but I can't seem to bring myself to it. It's like I've accepted that its all over, I feel like a shell of my previous self.

My wife won't support me financially either, she is making a lot of money. The bank is about to reposess my car because I can't make the payment, she won't help me. Am I asking too much for her to help after all the help I've given her?

I am trying to look after her son, I take him to school, I make him food, I clean to house. I've become the domestic person in this relationship while my wife works. I'm not proud of that, but I'm so down, I think I need proper help. My wife won't recognize mental health issues as a real problem, she just says I'm not a real man and I'm stupid.

Right now, I need to do something, I don't feel I will ever recover while I'm with my wife, I resent her, I gave her everything, now I have nothing and she won't support me. I don't like looking after her son, I'm sorry but that is true. I wanted to have a child of our own, she doesn't want to have anymore children. She also told me that she wouldn't be with me if I had children, she wouldnt be a step mother.

My house is an absolute mess, I don't clean it anymore, I don't talk much to my wife, I spend the minimal amount of time possible with my step son and I just lie on the couch each day ignoring the world. Nothing can lift my spirits.

I feel like my life-o-meter has now registered empty.

Help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Check yourself into a hospital ward so you can get professional help.


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## someguy888 (May 15, 2010)

I agree that you need professional help. Somehow get some money to see a health professional. What you are describing is not healthy and there may be some medications that can help you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

> My wife won't recognize mental health issues as a real problem, she just says I'm not a real man and I'm stupid.


LonelyMe, I am so sorry that you are suffering so. You got a raw deal and don't deserve what has happened to you. I agree with Turnera and Someguy that you would greatly benefit by speaking with a psychologist. It sounds to me like you have strong aspects of codependency in your personality, as I do. If so, it makes you want to be a caretaker like me -- a man whose sense of self worth depends far too much on his ability to help others -- even when it is to his great detriment.

Like you, I rescued a beautiful woman from her miserable situation and started spending a small fortune on her and her five children. I married her and stayed with her for 15 years -- trying all the while "to save her." Guys like you and me are attracted to these women who portray themselves as vulnerable victims. Sadly, they do not really love us in any mature sense. Instead, they just use us and suck us dry. We enable them to do that because we confuse _being needed_ (for what we can do) for _being loved_ (for the men that we are).

How do we get that way? In my case, I grew up too quickly because I tried to meet my mother's needs when I was a child -- because my dad was alcoholic and was not meeting her needs. That is, I became the little man of the household. As a consequence, I have difficulty feeling that I am really loved if a woman does not desperately need me. I therefore am strongly attracted to needy unstable women who -- for a period of six months or so -- provide the passion and emotional intensity I desire.

The unstable woman I married is incapable of trusting anyone and thus was jealous of anyone who competed for my time and attention -- including all my friends and family members. Like your W, she did not even want to visit my family and she hated my foster son. Moreover, she tried to isolate me from them as much as possible.

Part of the isolation effort was due to that jealousy and trust issue. Much of it, however, was due to her pathological need to control me -- which is much easier to do if I have no friends or family around to support my views. She was also verbally abusive to me -- just as your W is to you. Indeed, I always felt that I was walking on eggshells around her because I never knew what simple action or comment would trigger her anger. 

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, your W may have strong aspects of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) like my exW. Or she may have strong aspects of NPD (Narcissistic PD). If she does, you cannot fix it. And, because those PDs are ego syntonic, she would think she is fine and thus have no desire to see a therapist.

A good psychologist will help you deal with your own issues (e.g., codependency) and will tell you candidly what type of PD -- if any -- your wife has. But do not take her with you to the psychologist. If he is treating both of you, there is a strong chance he will not give you her true diagnosis because it would offend her, causing her to immediately drop out of therapy. 

Moreover, if she has BPD, he is likely to call it "depression" or "bipolar" or "PTSD," all of which are covered by insurance. "BPD" usually is not covered by insurance because the companies consider it untreatable (not exactly true but the success rate is low and treatment usually takes years).

Until you have time to see a psychologist, I suggest that you read a short article that describes what it is like to live with a BPDer. It describes how the BPDer initially mirrors your personality so closely that you feel that you've met your "soul mate." That honeymoon period typically lasts about six months, at the end of which the BPDer starts showing signs of her inability to control her anger. It is at How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves - Roger Melton, M.A. . I also suggest that you read about NPD to see if it more accurately describes your W. I wish you the best.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It's time to start standing up for yourself. Your in "victim" mode right now. "She" hasn't MADE you do anything. You've allowed all of this. You don't like it. It's good to notice that. So, now you have to fix it. Start slow. Get into counseling to help you clarify what you want. 

She is not acting like a good wife to you. Her money IS your money too, see a lawyer to protect your own interests. Most states have community property laws in marriage. Find out what you are entitled to.

So, counseling, and legal aid. Great places to start.


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## MarlonFamilton (May 15, 2010)

Completely stuck,

Your story is a heart breaking one to read. The amazing things you did to create what most might think of a fairy tale speaks of how big your heart is. I would guess that inside, you have a longing to feel appreciated? Here it is missing at every turn here.

In the bigger picture relationships are always about two people co-creating things. Right now you sound as though you're more in free fall and she isn't interested in catching you. When I am working with a couple, I often paint a picture of them being alone together on a deserted island. To survive, they have to work together and be a team. Yet, when one person gets mad or has a hard time, do they abandon their partner and move to the other side of the island? If you truly love your partner, you might be mad but you wouldn't leave them to fend for them self. It appears she has left you to live on the other side of the island and use you for daycare.

Depression is brought on when some one feels trapped, constrained, out of options. Your body's response to its environment is normal. Ever hear of the "flight or fight" response? People often forget there is also a "freeze" response too. What has happened to you has been impossible to fight or flee from, so your body is moving toward freezing; depression. That's a normal response to your environment. Depression meds will help, but they won't fix your environment, you have to. 

Other people have suggested that you seek professional help, however you mention being on medication so you have probably seen your primary care physician. Just FYI, a psychiatrist deals with medication, a psychologist handles behavioral testing (though yes, some do therapy) and a psychotherapist works with therapy/counseling. If you're already on medication, it is the latter that you might want to seek out. They can help you look at how you handled being unhappy before and being unhappy today. What's different? How did you have the strength and courage to end the other relationship? I don't believe in co-dependence, rather it's all about attachment. The more you don't get love and nurturing from your wife, the more you want it. That keeps you stuck. As soon as you accept that you may not get that love; that you may not get your needs met, you will be able to become unstuck.

You already possess the ability to overcome odds, become successful and set boundaries when a relationship doesn't work for you. In this case, it seems that as you lost your business and felt put down by your wife, that your self esteem has shrunk leaving you with the idea that you are incapable, aren't appreciated, aren't important, understood and such. These are fundamental needs we all have. I would like to suggest that you turn toward others who will help you see this. Parents? Siblings? Friends? Even a former partner? The catch is you would need to be open to and able to hear that feedback from others and be willing to dismiss the feedback your wife gives you. Feedback is information not definition. It sounds as though you are letting your wife's feedback define you, and in doing so you are ignoring your history of success in life.

Divorce might be healthy for you. I am not aware of your state's divorce laws, but your wife's success if half yours irrespective of what she wants and it clearly sounds as though you deserve that half. What stops you from thinking in that direction?

The bottom line? When you are willing to accept that this relationship does not work for you, then you can start to make the changes you already know you need to make and your story already indicates you are capable of making.

I hope you'll report back in when you hit that place of acceptance.

~Marlon
www.securelove.net


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You've gotten great advice and we all understand how awful things can get. The bottom line, as you know, is that only you can help yourself, and finding the motivation to make that first call is a huge step forward. 

If you are in a communal property state, your wife will be equally responsible for your medical care. You can pay her back later if you choose, but right now just get the care you need. 

Also, one of the most important things you wrote and that hasn't been addressed here yet is, "Had I not been distracted this would never have happened." This is not normal and it sounds a bit like an excuse. Don't let it slide--there is a reason you became so obsessed. And the same thing goes for the abuse--don't ignore the fact that you tolerated it. Get help to put yourself on an even keel. You deserve better. Good luck.


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## Caligirl420 (May 17, 2010)

I agree with everyone else, seek professional help but at the same time, she has NO RIGHT to treat you that way, she used you and now she is just treating you so badly, its not fair, I am a women but I can still understand and feel for you, I am not in the greatest of relationships either, I posted my story on here too, ur wife is there to support you no matter what, she vowed to do so, you gave evrything for her and she is lucky to have someone do that, she is selfish and that bothers me, she needs to grow up, mature and get her priorities streight, her husband and kids should be everything to her, and she is ignoring that fact, hang in there and theres people, even strangers like me that care, so just remember that, I have empathy to all who needs a little help sometimes


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