# Partners moved on very quickly



## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I'm just wondering if there's anybody else here who's partner moved on very quickly after their separation?

My husband moved out two months ago after we mutually decided to separate and a week ago his new girlfriend moved into his house. This new woman also used to be a friend of mine.

I ended my friendship with her about a year ago because I felt she was behaving inappropriately with my husband, swimming topless when they were alone together, calling him darling in text messages, but my husband always swore that there was nothing going on between them other than a mutual love of rock climbing.

Last Friday a friend of mine saw this woman and she couldn't wait to tell her that she was moving in with my husband that day. She told her that they were in love and wanting to make a real go of it. I called my husband to hear it from him and he told me that her moving in wasn't ideal but she had to move out of her home because she'd been cheating on her boyfriend, who was also a friend of my husband's, with him for the last couple of weeks and had no place else to go.

Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this? If so, how did you move through the pain?


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

My situation sounds so much like yours except for the moving in.. When my wife and I separated she told me over and over there was no one else.. Well after a little snooping I found out that she indeed had a Boyfriend or lover whatever you want to call him... I would call him a POS.. thats besides the point.. It was tough knowing that there was another man sleeping in my bed, my house and all the time being lied right to my face.. It hurt and I cried a lot in the begining... Since then, I have been shown by my Ex. what she is really like, traits that were always there but ignored by myself... Eventually I learned to accept it and after a while was thankfull for it.... Sure I lost most everything in my divorce, but I got back the most important thing.. My self dignity and pride. I bought another house, brand new car and am learning to love being single again..

It took time, learn to accept it for what it is, accept him for what he is and try each day to put a smile on someone elses face....  it will do wonders for you.......

Good luck and God bless.........
Skin


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Skinman,

Thank you for sharing you story, I am currently going through what you went through. It is killing me, the lies and betrayal. What is killing me alsi, is not being able to confront her affair or lies, my attorney does not want me to let I on that I know. How did you tell her you know she was a liar, when did you tell her?

Did it make you feel any better confronting her.

I know I will get through this in time, but the pain is so brutal now, that living day to day is very difficult.

CodeNameBob


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## Tryinhard (Mar 5, 2010)

Recognize he's a narcissist and/or borderline personality disorder. Learn about this. 

YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM !

I know because I'm dealing with it as well with my STBX wife. You'll have to accept he is what he is and will never change. The pain is hard I know but learn about him and why you are better off. It will help.


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## whynotme (May 18, 2010)

Hi Tired,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You must be feeling very betrayed by your husband.

When I left my husband - it was not a mutual agreement, but the relationship was very bad and I feared for my physical safety - THREE WEEKS later he had a woman moved in with him in the home we had shared. Even though I left him for good reason I was shocked. We were technically still married, no one had filed for divorce yet. I asked him point-blank if he had ever cheated on me, and he swore up and down that wasn't the case, but I never quite believed him. But I have no way to find out for sure, so I'll never know.

In your case, it sounds like he probably was cheating on you before or at least had an EA with your ex-friend. It's sad to say, in his heart your husband has already moved on. You might as well too. My advice is to not entertain thoughts about getting back together with him. You two are only separated, you are not even divorced, he is married and is living with someone else. His actions are showing you he considers his marriage with you already over. I wouldn't take him back.

I'm sure it hurts, because even though I had no reason to want my ex-husband back his actions after I left hurt me. I still don't understand why. All I can say is I believe marriage is a very deep bond and even when you break up for good reason, it still hurts...just keep in mind his actions. What he's done is showed you he doesn't really care about you anymore. Remember what he's done, no matter what he says.

Of course, if you do decide to get back together with him eventually, you will have to completely forget this little episode...so I guess you will have to decide what you can put up with from him. Good luck whatever you choose.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

Its a bit of a roller coaster ride for me because he still messages me with things like asking me to do him a favour and send him some photo's of our dogs from time to time because he saw a dog of the same breed and got teary.
Then a couple of days ago I got this one "I hope I can explain all this to you one day. I want to make this relationship work so all the pain i've caused people isn't in vain. I still see you as someone I could rely on and trust and I'm very sad at the thought of never having you in my life. Sorry you probably don't want to hear this, i'm crying now, I don't know why I'm even telling you these things."

After that I got my hopes up that he was reconsidering his decision, not that we would get back together as a result, but he would stop disrespecting me through this relationship, but the next day I got "" I genuinely have a good time with her and would like to have a go at a relationship. If it doesn't work it doesn't work. I really appreciate you looking out for me, i'm glad you are in my life. I have learnt a lot from you and do have the utmost respect for you, although you may not think that right now"

That made me realise that he's committed to this relationship and I felt like his earlier message was just a manipulation of me so that I wouldn't be so angry.

Since then he's been sending me lots of friendly messages and again is asking me to do him favours to do with things like his business and filling me in on goss from people we used to know etc. Just this morning I've had three messages already. Its very hard to keep healthy boundaries that retain my self respect and move on.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

Make that a couple of dozen and a phone call. Since his girlfriend moved in we've had more contact than at any other time since we split. I'm guessing its because of the guilt and his inability to have me not like him.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Get the book "Divorce and New Beginnings" - you need to separate yourself emotionally from him to alleviate the pain.

You don't have to be pissy about it. . .just break-off all contact and if you have kids minimize contact between you two.

You two are still emotionally entangled and he's hedging his emotional investment by talking/texting to you and banging his gf.

I'm sorry for your pain.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

'tired'..he hasn't moved on quickly, he's had this woman way before the separation, everything that comes out of him is a lie and he is lying and using you to the fullest, are you going to allow this to continue?..hoping to get him back?..why would you want him back now after all the deceit?..you are either going to stop all contact or keep it as low as possible if there are kids, or continue to allow him to keep using you until you have no dignity left!..he is the liar, not you, situations like this build character in people if they let it:scratchhead: he knows how to manipulate you already, look at his actions, have they not shown you his true self?..actions speak louder than words...


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

Just to clarify, I'm not doing him the favours he asking, nor am I hoping we'll get together as I wouldn't touch him with a barge poll after what he's done.
Its very hurtful to watch a person you once loved move on with a person like this. My issue is that I want him to see the light about this person and stop disrespecting me and the memory of our marriage.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

'tired' I have always said everyone has their own way of getting through a traumtic experience, I meant no disrespect what so ever, I to have had to deal with a betraying spouse and I have 2 young daughters who are the world to me and her leaving put me in a downward spiral because of the separation, I am just now starting to crawl my way back up, although I am waiting for my next slide down..I understand the disrespect part fully..and whatever it takes to help you cope I am all for it:smthumbup:

It actually seems that since I have stopped being her door mat, that she is the one who has been initiating every contact, it has not made me resent her any less, nor do I even respond to her anymore.


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## Tiredofthedrama (Jun 6, 2010)

I know that nc is the best policy. Particularly given that she's going back to the country she's from for 5 weeks tomorrow with her ex boyfriend. I don't want to be his support person until her return or while he might be worried about what she's up to.
I have to be the one to protect myself from further hurt in this situation.


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