# Is anyone married to a narcissist?



## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

I need to know if a relationship with a narcissist can work.


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## cbd2010 (Aug 19, 2010)

That's a really good question, and I'm not sure I know the answer. My husband is definitely narcissistic, and it is extremely difficult to deal with. I'd say it places some of the greatest strain on our relationship, because I don't understand how someone can be so callous towards other people's feelings, and how they can feel so superior to others. It's absolutely one of the major obstacles in our marriage.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Has your spouse been diagnosed with narcissism, or is it a internet "diagnosis"? True medical narcissism is not a common diagnosis and most times those people are truly impossible to get along with. We all view the world through our own colored lenses. What may look like narcissism to one person may look totally normally to another. It's why having an actual Dr. trained in diagnosis diagnose the disorder is so important.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Crypsys said:


> Has your spouse been diagnosed with narcissism, or is it a internet "diagnosis"? True medical narcissism is not a common diagnosis and most times those people are truly impossible to get along with. We all view the world through our own colored lenses. What may look like narcissism to one person may look totally normally to another. It's why having an actual Dr. trained in diagnosis diagnose the disorder is so important.


Well, good luck at getting a narcissist into the therapist's chair for an official diagnosis. A narcissist will be one of the last to admit to a problem.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Thank you for your reply cb. 

I want things to work out with us....but it is sooo hard. The constant need to for me to gratify him physically and emotionally with little to nothing in return is hard on my self esteem.


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## cbd2010 (Aug 19, 2010)

It is indeed VERY hard. I have a hard time going anywhere in public with my husband, because I cannot stand the way he treats people. He has no regard for their feelings or opinions, or ever considers that something he says could be offensive. He actually said straight out to me that he thinks he's better than other people, and he can't be bothered listening to them when he knows that he's right. It drives me NUTS.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Hi Aug,
All of our counseling attempts have ended when he wouldnt seek therapy on his own. Wow, go figure. He doesnt have any problems(sarcasm).
I have looked it up on the internet and one site said he only needed to display 5 of the traits...he had all but one.
I was also surprised to see all the different types of narcissists.
Reading through some of the articles really opened my eyes to alot of problems we are having. It makes me sad, because it just seems so hopeless.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

cbd2010 said:


> It is indeed VERY hard. I have a hard time going anywhere in public with my husband, because I cannot stand the way he treats people. He has no regard for their feelings or opinions, or ever considers that something he says could be offensive. He actually said straight out to me that he thinks he's better than other people, and he can't be bothered listening to them when he knows that he's right. It drives me NUTS.


Well, at least yours admits he is a narcissist (in layman's terms). I wonder if that counts as a valid diagnosis. Unfortunately most of them aren't that forthcoming.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

hope4us said:


> Hi Aug,
> All of our counseling attempts have ended when he wouldnt seek therapy on his own. Wow, go figure. He doesnt have any problems(sarcasm).
> I have looked it up on the internet and one site said he only needed to display 5 of the traits...he had all but one.
> I was also surprised to see all the different types of narcissists.
> Reading through some of the articles really opened my eyes to alot of problems we are having. It makes me sad, because it just seems so hopeless.


Exactly. And there are varying degrees. Sometimes the narcissism can be very subtle. It may not even be identified for years until someone else in the family seeks counseling.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

cb
My H is usually fairly pleasant when we are out, but it is because he maintains conversations that all revolve around him.
If he doesnt like a response, he changes the subject to something else about himself. He disregards everyone, but mostly me. He prefers it when I dress frumpy or dress down, I now realize that it is probably because it might draw attention away from him.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Aug,
He refuses to believe that he is anything other than selfish
I have heard the term narcissist thrown his direction for years from our friends and our kids. 
I figured that they were just being sarcastic about his selfish behaviour.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

hope4us said:


> He prefers it when I dress frumpy or dress down, I now realize that it is probably because it might draw attention away from him.


LOL! Mine was just the opposite. He wanted me to look great when we went out. I had to look good on his arm! That worked while I was young. But when I got middle aged, I was the accessory which got replaced--with a much younger one.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Well, good luck at getting a narcissist into the therapist's chair for an official diagnosis. A narcissist will be one of the last to admit to a problem.


It's hard getting most people (not just narcissists) into a therapists chair for diagnosis/treatment because in some way shape or form we generally think its the "other" people who have a problem and not ourselves.

And please understand I'm not alluding that he's not or isn't a narcissist. Also understand I'm not saying you or the OP has some kind of disorder either.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

I am currently in the throws of some pretty heavy trust issues too. He has been doing things like contacting old girlfriends and secretly meeting a younger woman who he says is just a friend.
Wow, didnt we just start out as friends?
He admitted to me that he wants something more and frequent sex wasnt going to change anything. He can say is such hurtful things with so little remorse. He then acts so charming and pleasant almost as if he doesnt have a worry in the world and I feel like we are falling apart. Its just another day.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

In all my posts, past and present, I have always referred to us as married. We are not. He says that he has never wanted to get married.
We do have one child together. The house is in his name only.
We also have a business together, which he kindly gave me 20 percent of 14 years ago, mainly because he knows that I have helped buid it up. We bought a building this year and he came unglued when I had to be put on the docs for the bank. He wanted me taken off of the corporation so that the building could be in his name only. He had to be talked out of this nonsense by our agent. I had to passify him by letting him know that if this is truly how he wants it, to just wait until things have settled down and we could work on getting me off the corporation and everything into his name. Dumb Huh!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Crypsys said:


> It's hard getting most people (not just narcissists) into a therapists chair for diagnosis/treatment because in some way shape or form we generally think its the "other" people who have a problem and not ourselves.
> 
> And please understand I'm not alluding that he's not or isn't a narcissist. Also understand I'm not saying you or the OP has some kind of disorder either.


I understand. Yes, most times we do think it is the "other" person's fault. However, when dealing with a narcissist things usually go a little differently. They will rarely seek counseling on their own. Those who do, do so because they are "coursed". When living with a narcissist, it is the spouse who pays a heavy price. Depending on the severity of the narcissism, the spouse is the one who has emotional issues. Many times we have no idea we are even suffering from mental abuse until we go to counseling for ourselves. And many times that's how the narcissistic problem is revealed. For a spouse living with a narcissist for a long period of time, perspective becomes quiet different. We lose self-esteem and tend to believe "we aren't good enough" or things are our fault.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

hope4us
Narcissism = No empathy = No remorse = No compassion = Serious emotional and psychological abuse to the spouse.

I went through what you’re going through with on line analysis and things like that. Looking back I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to “understand and help”.

At the end of the day what does it matter about what the diagnosis is? I decided I would no longer take the abuse and split with my wife.

Bob


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Hi Bob,
Were you still in love when you left? 
Did you feel sorry for your wife? 
Am I only confusing myself by feeling for him and not feeling for myself? 
He says that he wants us to work things out, but he acts so apathetic about it and it breaks my heart. Is it that he cant be a failure at something and that being the victim will give him more attention?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

If you look at the definition of any type of mental/personality disorder we could all neatly fit into any of the boxes if we were honest with ourselves. Based on the extended definition of narcissism, we all have a little bit of that in us as well to some degree, some more than others. 

And, as another poster said, your perception of his behavior could be skewed, and your definition of his narcissism could just be over confidence and a lack of empathy towards others - we're all different, come from different backgrounds and were raised differently.

Just as another poster said, I have a talent which I excel at better than most other people - I know it, they know it - because I know I'm better at that talent than others and am confident about it, does that make me someone with narcissism?

As I stated, I think we all have a bit of everything rolled into one person...hard to define and put one label on.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi hope4us,
Were you still in love when you left? 
I was deeply in love with my wife for 42 years. I would have done anything for her. But my love was unconditional and her lack of empathy and compassion for me hurt me deeply over the years. There were times when I needed emotional support and I got the opposite from her. I’d had enough so I put up boundaries to prevent being hurt again. But she just ploughed straight through them without a care and at that time I did something I thought myself incapable of, I withdrew my love for her.

No I didn’t love her when we split up and I don’t love her now. Even ten months later I feel very vindictive towards her. It’s the very first time in 61 years I’ve ever felt bitter or vindictive towards anyone. 

Did you feel sorry for your wife?
Not at all. I just accept she is where she is because of her values and beliefs and her behaviour. I had a dream the other night that she was drowning. It woke me up and I was quite afraid for her, I almost called her to see if she was ok. I couldn’t work the dream out for a while but came to accept that I didn’t help her out in my dream. I’ve helped her out so many times in the past and got no thanks for it. She got into trouble due to her own behaviour and I helped her out. But she would blame me for the problems she caused in the first place. I’ve finally accepted that it does me no good at all to help her out.

Am I only confusing myself by feeling for him and not feeling for myself?
I think that’s probably the biggest mistake I made. My wife’s lack of empathy had an enormous impact on my emotions. I have many examples. But instead of taking care of myself I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to work out why she doesn’t have any empathy. I eventually gave up on that.

Is it that he cant be a failure at something and that being the victim will give him more attention?
As far as I’m concerned they quite literally cannot admit to being wrong, to have made a mistake. I think it something to do with being a perfectionist but more deeper than that they have a very small and very fragile ego. Rather than accept responsibility for making a mistake they blame others.

Bob


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I agree with a lot of what you say MWIL. We all need to be a bit narcissistic to get along in the world. But there’s a big difference between a bit and a lot. And yes PDs are labels and yes it can be very wrong to label people as we are all truly individuals. But PDs can be serious stuff, they do need categorising and they do need specialist treatment.

“A lack of empathy towards others”. But that statement is I feel massively wrong. I can’t see that you have ever witnessed total carnage created by a person who lacks empathy for others. I have. I’ve quite literally witnessed people killed and maimed and lives destroyed by a person with “a lack of empathy for others”.

Bob



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> If you look at the definition of any type of mental/personality disorder we could all neatly fit into any of the boxes if we were honest with ourselves. Based on the extended definition of narcissism, we all have a little bit of that in us as well to some degree, some more than others.
> 
> And, as another poster said, your perception of his behavior could be skewed, and your definition of his narcissism could just be over confidence and a lack of empathy towards others - we're all different, come from different backgrounds and were raised differently.
> 
> ...


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Married
I think about all the things that you stated on a regular basis.
One thing in particular is how he was raised.
I think about him as a victim of his upbringing. 
His stepmother was and still is a narcissist. She cant hold conversations that do not revolve around her, it annoys her and she becomes bitter, cold and rude to everyone. She maintains a library of her accomplishments and belittles everyone elses. She finds fault in everything everyone does, just to make herself feel better. Nothing that is done for her is ever good enough and she lets everyone know it. She has states very matter of factly that she comes from royal blood and she demands that we treat her accordingly. 
Her daughter is also the same way and it is like the battling divas when the two are together. Almost amusing when it doesnt effect anyone else, and sad at the same time. Heaven help us all when they are getting along.
When the comparison of the two of them gets brought up and the possiblity of how it has impacted him in his life, my H gets offended, hurt, disturbed and then sad. I have explained to him that although his actions and words are less abusive, they cut the same way. 
I realize deep down how he has been hurt by his stepmother. Is his narcissism just overcompensating for his own insecurities?


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

Bob,
It is hard getting past the lack of empathy and compassion.
I will get back later. My H is waiting.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH - I agree also with what you said. There are some people that need to be labeled if they are a danger to themselves and others and treated properly (i.s., paranoid schizo's, etc.) - but a lot of these "labeled" serious type personality disorders are a result of brain trauma and/or faulty organic brain chemistry that can be treated with medications and therapy.

A lack of empathy towards others can cause destruction. But, do we all truly have empathy towards ALL others? I possess empathy, but I can say without a doubt that I am not empathetic towards everyone, especially those who put themselves into situations deliberately and with forethought. But, that doesn't make me a total narcissist, it makes me a total human.

Now, to answer the original poster's question - yes, I believe you can live with a narcissist if you recognize it and learn to deal with it and yes - people are usually a product of their upbring (nature and nurture) and some insulate themselves by showing a tough, I don't care attitude, but deep down they are insecure and this tough exterior protects them and keeps them from getting hurt.

My husband and I had this discussion recently, because he has a cold, unfeeling, unempathetic type personality also and admits to harboring narcissistic traits - he explained that he had to be that way to survive his upbringing or he wouldn't have made it through it and as we all know, it's difficult to change who you've always been.

So, I have learned to deal with it, not take it personally, call him out when he is too harsh and realize that although I don't agree with parts of his personality, I understand how it turned out that way and I can "emphathize" with his difficult upbringing and how it might have affected his personality and how he lives his life. I don't have to agree with it, but I can accept why it is what it is and learn to deal with it. Deep down inside he is a teddy bear and occasionally lets it out - so I know it's there, he's just scared and has a fear of being hurt - I love him, so I accept him as he is, as he is no physical danger to me and never has been. Now, if he was...I might have a different insight and outcome.


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

I feel kind of relieved to see this thread, I have often wondered if I am in a relationship with a Narcissist. His feelings are superior to mine, therefore his actions are never wrong, his responses are never wrong, he is entitled to express, without having to consider whether he hurts my feelings in the process, he's critical, and emotionally distant, no real physical affection and a struggle to say the words I love you. He's mostly concerned with his own agenda - and has a difficult time displaying consideration with various circumstances. 

If he is indeed a narcissist disorder, or has a personality disorder, all I can say is that I am distraught a lot of time because I must adjust my tone of voice, choreograph my sentences, find creative ways to ask for help, express my feelings carefully as to not make him feel like a loser( which do turn out to be a self-pitty episode for him ). It's all about him, even when I bring up a concern I have about me, my life or an event in my life that has NOTHING to do with him, it ends up being about him somewhere along the discussion ( which he usually takes over ).

I am in therapy now ( he is about to start ) because I feel crazy. I cry a lot. We have some classic signs in our situation, along with mental and emotional abuse towards me, which has resulted in my retaliating in the same mental and emotional abusive ways in order to deal, defend and protect myself - ( letting him know in newly learned destructive behaviors of mine )

It's always hard to tell other people what to do - unless they are being physically abused, we should even say emotionally and mentally, but for some reason - that seems more acceptable?? And in all honestly, the feelings and events that often happen in these types of relationships - is just that - mental and emotional abuse to some degree.

Honestly, if you do decide to stay in this relationship, you must be prepared. Meaning you will find yourself giving up YOURSELF and YOUR feelings and YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR ability to defend yourself emotionally with a person who sincerely has these the traits of a narcissist. 

My husband is also a teddy bear. He hugs his grandson, walks the dogs, loves his dogs, fights furiously to keep me ( but then will do the same things again tomorrow that had us fighting all day today ) He cries at sad movies. 

It makes you feel unstable emotionally. You question your sanity.
What started - _if you remember, by the time it's said and done_ - as a little tiny topic meant for discussion that 2 healthy people should be able to discuss, turns into the biggest most dramatic argument - each and every time - because he's made it about him.

My needs and wants are not met. ( normal relationship/human wants )

I feel lost, emotionally unstable and ready to go through "fight or flight" episodes at a moments notice and it could be set off as easily as me saying _"Do you mind changing the channel, this cop show about a 3 year child rape is something disturbs me - ( I have a 3 year old grand-daughter ) - I would really appreciate it - thank you" _- The reaction? Anger, frustration for ruining his show and that "it's all about me" and that "*I am* being selfish" - how dare I? - then later feels he's done nothing wrong by his response, tone of it or what he means by it - its just "him" getting mad and so what? let it go? ( He said that's way I should respond )

I could go on....my husband wants to change - and only AFTER he's ripped my emotions and self worth to pieces does he finally admit - _barely and for a moment - with a hint to ensure I know I had something to do it - it's my fault for his reaction and - or - I need to grow a spine_ - that he may need to acknowledge he's been hurtful. He may even suggest it's "that time of the month".

Then it happens again the next day or a few days later. To no fault of his own - it's a part of his personality. But he fights like crazy when I'm ready to leave, walk the door and finds still some way of making me feel responsible and sorry for him.

He says he has had a tough up bringing, mom used to lock food away from him, lock him in a closet when he was bad, neglect him and his needs, make fun of him. I understand where it comes from, I do. I really do and I empathize. I've tried ( where possible ) to talk about this and have encouraged counciling - I hope it helps him.

So, that was exhausting wasn't it? LOL Does this sound familiar?:scratchhead:


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

hope4us said:


> I realize deep down how he has been hurt by his stepmother. Is his narcissism just overcompensating for his own insecurities?


I'm not a theripst, but have done a lot of reading because I believe my husband is also ( see other post in this thread ) but I think the answer is "yes". 

My husband had a rough up bringing too. His mother was mean to him, locked food away, neglected him with regards to the necessities of life, made fun of him, locked him in cold cellars. My husband tends to exaggerate - and sometimes I'm uncertain just how much is truthful and to what degree - I guess the point I'm trying to make is that my husband said he has learned to rely on only himself. He left home, he snuck food out of places he used to work, he's had to cut up furniture to keep warm and decided to become a cop in order to "be someone" and " I'll show you". 

From what I've read, these examples all list typical childhood trauma's that often lead to the narcissist personality.


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

827Aug said:


> I understand. Yes, most times we do think it is the "other" person's fault. However, when dealing with a narcissist things usually go a little differently. They will rarely seek counseling on their own. Those who do, do so because they are "coursed". *When living with a narcissist, it is the spouse who pays a heavy price. Depending on the severity of the narcissism, the spouse is the one who has emotional issues. Many times we have no idea we are even suffering from mental abuse until we go to counseling for ourselves. And many times that's how the narcissistic problem is revealed. For a spouse living with a narcissist for a long period of time, perspective becomes quiet different. We lose self-esteem and tend to believe "we aren't good enough" or things are our fault*.



Very important message above.

I am a testament to this. I am just dealing with these diagnosis (self) in therapy. It has been brought to my attention, I am accepting emotional and mental abuse, my self esteem is very low, self worth is low, I am depressed and am at risk for a breakdown. I've learned abusive ways myself ( for the first time in the 6 years I've been with this man ) to project back onto my narcissist husband - from exhaustion in dealing with the pain and emotional abuse, from trying to defend myself, from trying to protect my emotional worth. 

*Note:* I was a happy and healthy person before this relationship. This is only after 6 years with a possible narcissist. Before this - I had a normal 12 year long marriage that ended due to respected differences in future lifestyles. 

I had to acknowledge this post. Thank you.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

I try to prepare myself everyday to not take anything personally. I just get tired of having to remind him of his poor behaviour. It seems easier to just let him do what he wants when he wants as often as he wants and deal with his only me attitude. 
I know that in the course of our relationship, I have lost me. When I do try to regain the me that I once was, he becomes resentful and I give up to appease him.
I have been in therapy off and on in the past, always questioning what the heck is wrong with me. My group therapy was great. It helped me get past the tremendous anxiety I was experiencing and kept me off the meds my doctors prescribed. All the while, I never thought that my frame of mind had anything to do with anything except for me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m going to try and frame my words and message very carefully. I came to the conclusion a while back that my wife is who she is. QED.

She is 58. I no longer care what it is or was that “made her”. I used to care very big time. But I no longer care if she is how she is because she was a Zulu in deepest Africa, a North American Indian, a Muslim in Pakistan, a surfing Australian, a British police woman, a deliberately crippled child in India put on the streets to beg. I just don’t care anymore. I really hope you’ve got my message.

What I came to deeply care about was her affect on me. A tremendous amount of her affect on me was sheer joy and happiness. To such an extent that to this day I truly believe and feel exceptionally blessed to have shared the greater part of my life with her.

But I simply could not take the negative mental and emotional affect that living with her brought to me. I ended up with a nervous breakdown. It had happened once before and I told myself never again.

Bob


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

Wow. Bob - All I can say is :

I see your message as a great warning / lesson to be heard and acknowledged. I believe I am right at that point you describe here - just before a breakdown - feeling very scared and uncertain of my own sanity. Hence, I'm very VERY glad to have found place in between visits to the therapist. 

Bob, ( or anyone for that matter on this topic ) I have a question, but did you ever find yourself becoming like her? Acquiring emotional and mental abusive displays to defend, or purposefully hurt back in order to protect your self worth? Purposeful would be to get them to show the emotion, to show they care in some "normal / real " way?


I completely understand when you say you don't or no longer care why or what caused the problem, I think I am beginning to feel "emotion-less" towards him. I almost feel like I want him to hurt emotionally - like it would change anything.

My ONLY hope - is to have only recently found some spiritual information, video's etc - raw food diet and intense desire to learn to meditate - escapes that may help me build and heal inside - out. Strengthen myself emotionally.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Peachyqqq,
I have been where you are now. I know.



I really do think we have to change in order to let go of them. In some ways we have to stop being who we were. Simply because by being who we were was keeping us with them.

Do I want to be a person who lacks empathy and blames my spouse for my problems and a person who does not accept responsibility for my actions? Do I want to become a victim? No way do I want to be that person. That is not who I am.

But. But I had to become that person in order to let go and break the relationship. I felt truly persecuted and in order to get out of it I became a persecutor.

I think of this now as a transition phase. I honestly believe the bitterness and resentment, the anger I feel towards the women I loved for so very long is natures way of helping me break the cycle.

People I know and am close to view me as a seriously good guy. A deep guy who cares for people and a guy who has a reasonable handle on and balance in life. People enjoy my company and tell me they like me. I like that feeling.

Bob


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

Thank you - there is a lot of reassurance and self acknowledgment as well as acceptance in your post - for me personally. 

I suddenly don't feel so crazy after all. Knowing that this process I am going through makes perfect sense - perfect perfect sense (not that it is at all pleasant) but does at least, offer me comfort that knowing that perhaps this is what I need to go through - to get through and out. 

Strange - I also noticed your signature quote. I made a personal reference to it in my mind - It rings some truth for me. 

"he leads" - whether it be in a plaza, in the gym, shopping, he always walks several feet in front of me. I walk or happen to be in front of him, it feels strange and i stop and wait for him and he keeps walking past me to lead again and in my mind, I would think to myself "Remember what it was like to walk "with" someone? Just another little note for me - a little sign or flag that pushes up for me to acknowledge. 

Thank you for the wise insight. I've learned a lot ( confirmations to self ) being here for just 1 day.


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

I marry one. 
I ingore his narcissisim, I try to be meek and biddable as Bibble teachs me, cause we have kid, I can not just pack up and go. And I know that nobody is perfect, even if I changed a husband, the next one still wouldn't be perfect, he would still have something I did't like. then, what could I do? devorced again? I don't want to spend my whole life on divorce.
or,maybe he is still bearable. But I won't chose divorce easily.


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## hope4us (Dec 11, 2008)

OMG, thank you Peachy, you are reading my mind.
I do not even have to type anything. 
Thank you too Bob...your words ring true and as much as it hurts...I need to hear it from somebody else. At the moment I feel strong...H is out getting fro yo. 
I have so many more questions.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

My deepest fear is that my husband is a narcissist. 
He has some traits, but it's not as severe as others.
The lack of empathy for my feelings when I'm upset, the incessant blaming of me for all our issues, the constant defensivess, the constant self-advertising, the belief that he should be able to say whatever, whenever, with no accountability, and the dysfunctional childhood upbringing...
are why i'm awake at 4am again while he sleeps peacefully after yet another fight during which he blamed me for everything, then rolled over and started snoring.
We are doing imago therapy. I'm very unhappy right now. We are newlyweds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Although my wife of 22 years displays borderline personality traits, there are some similarities. The point I'm trying to make is that she can improve her behavior, but I've lost hope that she'll improve those thought processes that are almost schitzophrenic, like a narcissist where they see the world though their own altered perception. In other words, she could improve the way she talks and behaves, but will always hold onto abnormal feelings of hatred. Maybe the narcisissist can begin to ask about you and display normal behaviors, but would it bother you if he really doesn't feel it?

Sure, I don't want a divorce, but I've realized that she only brings pain to the relationship. She constantly asks, 'why do both partners have to be giving, I'm just a responder'? Like living with a narcissist, I've just run out of steam in dealing with the altered perceptions.

In my situation, she knows it is likely that I will ask for a divorce next year. My income took a 35% hit during the downturn, but will resume next year and we are both committed to paying 100% of our kids college tuition regardless. This 35% would take care of the tuition and allow us to maintain two households.


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