# He pushed the friendship/affair for 18 months, then went back to W



## Too_Much (Dec 31, 2012)

Quick timeline: met 18 months ago, he quit wearing the ring 12 months ago. Officially separated from the W 8 months ago, bought her a new house and she moved out 5 months ago. Last week, he ended it with a text message that he was reconciling.

I NEVER asked him to leave her! In the last 5 months he made things much more serious, talking about marriage, babies, moving-in, being step mother to his children, etc... 2 weeks before Christmas, he got weird, last week, ended it.

So my ONLY question: how does a man go from one extreme to the other? He left her, she moved out, he bought her a house, HE was making plans for our future (not me). So what prompts a man to go as far as this one did, and do a 180 in a week? Anyone?


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

When somebody has an affair I think they are often more in love with the idea of finding the perfect partner/marriage than they are in love with the person they are actually having an affair with. After a while they realise that the other person isn't perfect, and they look back on the life they had with rose-tinted glasses.

Human beings are stupid, and convince themselves of all kinds of things when they are caught up in the heat of the moment.

I think the long and short of it is, move on and try to find somebody who can be with you properly. Or just enjoy being single. Being the other woman or other man isn't really worth it, even if sometimes it might seem like it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I guess he changed his mind. People do this. Especially those that cheat on their wives.

Consider yourself lucky. He could have left his wife, married you and then changed his mind.


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## Too_Much (Dec 31, 2012)

A) I don't want your sympathy; B) I didn't "hook up" with him until AFTER the divorce was filed; and C) if he reconciles his marriage and puts his family back together, then I am incredibly happy for him. 

I was NEVER the one who pushed the relationship and I am not sad or shocked it's over. I asked one simple question....why push so hard for so long for something when you've clearly ended the last relationship and then pull a 180?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Too_Much said:


> A) I don't want your sympathy; B) I didn't "hook up" with him until AFTER the divorce was filed; and C) if he reconciles his marriage and puts his family back together, then I am incredibly happy for him.
> 
> I was NEVER the one who pushed the relationship and I am not sad or shocked it's over. I asked one simple question....why push so hard for so long for something when you've clearly ended the last relationship and then pull a 180?


He never ended his last relationship. He simply convinced himself, and you, that he had.

Post marriage trauma, or an affair is always a very, very, bad place to start a relationship from. They rarely last over the long term.

There is simply far too much unresolved emotional turmoil to create a healthy foundation for something new.

The 'new' is simply more of a distraction and an oasis from the mess of their marriage, than it is something truly real that you are building.

I'm sorry you got caught up in someone elses mess. I can understand your wanting to rationalize the reasons why, but I can only ask you to believe that the reasons aren't rational.

He could just as easily come back to you in a month or two declaring you as his soul-mate, for no other reason than his reconciliation failed, and he doesn't want to have to deal with the emotional fallout alone.

Be better than that. Let it, and him go.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Several posts have been removed. If you cannot make your point or contribution without personally attacking the OP, then don't respond.

This is a courtesy warning.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok. I will state my opinion more appropriately. IMO, he was never serious about you. Or he was and then when he got you he realized the grass was, in fact, NOT greener on your side. Once with you he realized he loved and missed his wife/family. SOmething he would likely have come to sooner had you not been in the picture. This is why you never get involved with someone who is still married. Rather or not they are separated. This is always a possibility until the ink is dry.

In the future, steer clear of someone who has previously promised himself to another until he finalizes that end. Steer clear of a cheater. Always. Every time. Forever. Married=unavailable. Period. Until he is divorced, he is married regardless of where he lives.

Better luck next time. Get a single man. There are lots of them. Dont be someone else's side action.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Too_Much said:


> Quick timeline: met 18 months ago, he quit wearing the ring 12 months ago. Officially separated from the W 8 months ago, bought her a new house and she moved out 5 months ago. Last week, he ended it with a text message that he was reconciling.
> 
> I NEVER asked him to leave her! In the last 5 months he made things much more serious, talking about marriage, babies, moving-in, being step mother to his children, etc... 2 weeks before Christmas, he got weird, last week, ended it.
> 
> So my ONLY question: how does a man go from one extreme to the other? He left her, she moved out, he bought her a house, HE was making plans for our future (not me). So what prompts a man to go as far as this one did, and do a 180 in a week? Anyone?


IMO this man sounds lonely and confused. I'd keep my distance.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Marital break-ups are messy. People in troubled marriages and in the middle of separations and divorces are messy. Their emotions can be all over the place, and what they want can change from day to day. That's true whether they are the ones pushing for the divorce or not.

This MM was obviously not "done" with his marriage. You were likely a "crutch" as he went through his separation - you made him feel better about himself and his life, while he was going through a tough time. At best, you were a rebound. At heart, he wanted to keep his family intact and jumped at the chance when it was available.

Unless they are divorced and have had time to heal and regain their sense of self, they don't have a whole heart (or mind) for anyone else.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

About a year ago October, my wife and I decided to split, Because of financial obligations it was going to take a few months to be able to do that.

A few weeks later at Thanksgiving, she told me she wanted to try to work on the marriage. Why? My guess is that with the family holiday of Thanksgiving she realized she really didn't want to split.

Sometimes things like a holiday/birthday/anniversary are enough to get you thinking.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Well, I'll tell you the best reason not to divorce. Money. When a man has to pay $1200 a month in alimony for 4 years and then pay $1300 a month until a 4 year old child turns 18, THAT'S GETTING FINANCIALLY RAPED.

To me, that's an incentive to make it work with a wife as much as possible. A talk with a lawyer can be very enlightening. No other woman would be worth that much in exchange in my opinion. :smthumbup:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, yes, he said all the right things to you and because of that you never questioned what was going on or even got in the habit of advocating for yourself. Maybe he got the impression you weren't that into him. Or maybe he was just using you as a Plan B in case he couldn't get his wife back.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, yes, he said all the right things to you and because of that you never questioned what was going on or even got in the habit of advocating for yourself. Maybe he got the impression you weren't that into him. Or maybe he was just using you as a Plan B in case he couldn't get his wife back.


He said all the right things to yu because when people are on the rebound from a relationship they are only thinking of themselves and will say anything to keep you around to serve their own needs. This is why you should make an effort to be fully informed of the last relationship that they just had or are having.


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