# Wife had EA possible PA



## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Ok here is my situation with as much detail that I can provide.

Some history. Been married to my wife for 15 years. We have a daughter together. My step dad past away in 2010. I became depressed and really blamed myself for his death because we were not getting along at the time. I really needed my wife then she didn't seem very supportive. She didn't even go with me to his funeral or his memorial. She also turned 40 that year and was very concerned with her health and appearance. She started working out a lot, which she never did before. She also started drinking ALOT. Most nights she would drink her self to sleep. I felt like some distance was growing between us, but thought it was natural. Sex was still good a frequent, so I didn't think anything was wrong.

My D-Day was about 6 months ago. My mom came to visit my family in March 2012 and one night we had a private conversation. She said she was worried about some of the things she saw on my wife's facebook page. She said my wife seemed to be going out to a lot of parties and spending a lot of time away from home. I agreed and told her I was noticing the same thing. Actually, my wife wasn't at home the whole time my mom was visiting, she hung out with her friend and went to the casino 2 nights in a row.

After the conversation with my mom, I started investigating, checking phone records, facebook, emails etc. I noticed a lot of flirting with a young kid that is my wife's best friends nephew. Stuff like, you are so handsome and sexy, calling him honey and sweety. And he would always ask her for a kiss. Now this guy is in a different country, but it really bothered me.

After going to the phone logs, I started noticing a lot of calls to a number I didn't recognize. Most of the time she was on the phone with her best friend, and we are talking about an excessive amount of time talking to her (many hours a day). But the different number started looking a bit excessive also.

Unfortunately, I blew a head gasket and immediately confronted her. She said it was just a client (she is a hair stylist), he was just a guy friend, "why I can't have guy friends?". I told her NO, if its just a client, why do you have to talk to him so much? I demanded to talk to him to see if it was innocent. She denied the opportunity and wouldn't even give me his name. I knew something was up and immediately kicked her out of the house.

I kept digging feeling like there was more. The morning before D-Day I had called her to she if she could take our daughter to soccer practice, and asked her what she was doing. She told me she was getting our car inspected. Well come to find out, she never got the car inspected and spent 2 hours in the same city her best friend works at. Well, also that morning she got a phone call from this suspicous number. I had a gut feeling she was seeing someone at her best friends work. With a bit more checking I found that she was going to her best friends work about 3 times a week for the past year. Most of time is was only for an hour. Couple of times it was for 2 hours.

One week later she came back and said she will promise not to talk on the phone like this again, and gave me full transperancy to her phone, email, facebook and all. I told her I knew she was at her friends work instead of getting the car inspected, and she got extremely angry at me. She said she would leave again, but I begged her not to.

Things were great for a few months until recently. One of her friends that she worked with got in touch with me. I told her the situation, and she broke down and told me some horrible news. She said there was an situation at their work where a guy's wife came by looking for my wife. This women was extremely mad and wanted to know what my wife was doing with her husband. Unfortunately, my wife's friend tricked the woman and said my wife no longer works there and helped calm this woman down. Her friend then told me this guy worked with my wife's best friend. She said that my wife has been talking to him for a long time and that I am too late in catching her. She said that after the guy got caught, my wife would use the company phone to call him or her best friend would let him use her phone to talk to him. I was floored.

I went back to the phone logs, and sure enough, there was his number. Tons to talking on the phone, tons of text message, tons of pictures sent. And this for almost 1 year (started in 2010). I received some the text messages I could from iTunes and found a couple of messages stating:
"What you got shaking today?"
"A little nakedness before lunch"
"I know you like that"
"I miss you"
"Call me if you want"
"I had a dream about you last night"
"It was bad"

Now must of the messages were delete except these. I saw alot of the pictures also, and most was of her in different outfits, only showing her body with no head, and one with her in the bathtub only showing her legs. Nothing naked.

So confronted her again, full force. Told her I saw all the text messages and the nude pictures she sent him (which was a lie). She didn't deny any of it. I asked her if she loved him, and she said no, but I told her that she said she did. I asked her why she did this. Why she felt the need to talk to him instead of me, or send him those pictures instead of me. She said nothing. No remorse, no "im sorry", nothing.

I then confronted the guy. He is married has 2 small kids, and he is ugly as hell. He looks like a crack head. Told him I knew everything, saw all the text and pictures and asked him what the hell was going on. He said they were just friends and she was a fun person to talk to and they enjoyed each others company. He said she sent him a lot of pictures of what she was wearing, or what she was eating or drinking and some other funny pictures. "just joking around" kind of things. I told him I saw the naked pics she sent him but he denied it. I told him she said she loved him and he agreed, but didn't understand why she said it. He also confirmed they had met for lunch a couple of times (with other friends) and that they hugged and he may of given her a kiss on the cheek.

Needless to say my world is upside down. I have 0 trust in her. After confronting her about all of this, she decided to seperate to allow things to cool off. She swears up and down that she never cheated on me, and only loves me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Him being ugly does not matter a whole lot in the long run. You can never ever make sense in comparing yourself to the OM. You will go crazy doing so, though it is very common to do so in the beginning of discovery. Your wife made a choice and it will never make sense.


Confronting the OM (IMO) is not a good idea. They often times will lie their butts off. Ask your wife if they kissed. Kiss is often cheater code for we had sex.

I would contact the OM's wife. Have lunch with her. Do not let your wife know you are doing this.

Separating is not a good idea, my friend. If you want this marriage to work get her home. You are only giving her more time to cheat and if it has not gone physical you are allowing her time to take it all the way.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

without remorse and getting nothing but trickle truth and lies, what do you have left in this marriage?

stop begging

the marriage is already over and you lost her, you need to file and have her served

IF AND ONLY IF she comes back begging to do what's needed to help you heal, the complete truth and 100% remorse should you consider R 

please read the newbie link in my signature


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Also, like I said this guy is really ugly. Short, skinny, has dark circles under his eyes like he uses drugs. Just don't she how should could have been remotely attractive. He doesn't make much money, and has been married for 10 years with 2 kids.

During my attempt to R, I asked my wife for us to go to counseling so we could learn how to communicate better. It was apparent she could easily communicate with this other guy, but not with me. She said absolutely no, I could go if I wanted and that I am the one with the problem. She told me to read a book or something.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and she's blameshifting too


ugh

file


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here's another thread to read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

do know above all else- this isn't your fault in the slightest


people who cheat will rewrite marital history, exaggerate problems in the marriage and even flat out vilify their spouse to justify to themselves and others that it was okay to cheat


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

After all this why is SHE deciding anything? I think that's a problem that runs deep in your marriage that you must address, if you even have a marriage. You caught her cheating and she decided to separate? Only because you didn't gave her what she deserved... A boot in the a$$!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Im sorry that you have to find your self here.
Im not trying to be rude here but..Think long and had about this

*I really needed my wife then she didn't seem very supportive. She didn't even go with me to his funeral or his memorial.*
from 2010..


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, she had sex with him. No doubts about it. What else do you think they were doing in such secrecy ? call this guy's wife and tell her what you found and ask her for the information she might have.

Tell your W about what the OM told you about her.


Your marriage is probably ending. Prepare yourself mentally for this. read about the 180.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

So the OM isn't the best friend's nephew? Isn't this the second time she's left when you confronted her? Personally I would have told her not to forget anything when she left this time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So she didin't drop to the floor and beg and cry telling you she will do what ever it takes to stay, and do what ever you want to save the marriage.

Top that off with refussing couseling and not having an explaination for her behaviors.............

well it sound like she has no remorse, will try to wait for things to cool down...maybe same OM will be around maybe not but she will find some one in the near future.

Why? cuz she hasn't learned a damb thing about her self or why she has these unhealthy nehaviors that sabatoge her life.


Her crap isn't even about you it about how she deals with things and the lack of boundries she was brought up with. See, this crap goes way back for her, for 15 years she did well to hide it. But when the going got tough she snapped and went and dealt with her issues by finding the ugliest bandaid she could find and latch on to it.

Hell who knows back in the day when you guys had some tough crap go down in the young marriage or family she might of gone out for a ONS.


Sorry brother with out real remorse that shows you a true commitment to make her self a better person and fix her self you are in for a long road if you don't let her go.

Your kids don't diserve this kind of life....maybe in the future she can at least fix her self so she can be a better mother.


I strongly suggest you detach, keep your distance and focus on the kids (they'll help keep you grounded). With out the remorse that I mentioned above, its time to do the 180, cut her off, and file.

Do not leave the marital home, and take her up on the next time she threaten to leave.

I know its hard man you aren't going to fix this until she fixes her self.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

TBT said:


> So the OM isn't the best friend's nephew? Isn't this the second time she's left when you confronted her? Personally I would have told her not to forget anything when she left this time.


No, but I found it out that she started flirting with this guy in October of 2011. The guy she was actually talking to got busted in August 2011. I feel that once she was not able to text and send this guy pictures she started looking for other options. I also feel that this guy had to go underground to keep talking to her, such as using her best friends phone, or my wife calling his work number, which I did see in the phone logs.

One other thing, she claims she befriended this guy because best her best friend considers him her little brother.

I feel like she was surrounded with toxic friends.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Okay you have the problem as opposed to a married woman who can't keep her legs closed. OKay stop being nice to this woman. PLease please please look up "the 180" and start following through with it. She is fully attached to this little boy (if he's over 21 he's a man, stop thinking of this as a little boy deal) Now this OM is not to blame for any of this. He is just a third party. You wife is the one solely responsible for staying within the boundaries of marriage.

She shows no remorse and is shifting the blame all to you. You have not given her one consequence to her actions. Asking her to leave is one thing but making her leave and separating your income from her is another. You need to show her through action that you will not be treated like a cuckold. You will be respected, and since you have damning evidence there is no way to hide. YOu need to tell your family and friends what she has done. 
1. to create a support net for you , and to tear hers out from under her.
2. to uncover any toxic friends that covered for her, supported her, or encouraged her to have this A.

Then you must decide on what you want. R or D. Either way you precede with going through with D. Until she shows you through action, remorse, willingness to be transparent, willing to do anything to save the marriage ie , counceling, giving up friends, stop going out, work on things within the marriage. 
IF she fulfills all of those then you consider R. Right now you need to put your foot down. You need to stop taking the blame for this. The second your wife started seeking attention and affection outside of the marriage, you stopped being responsible for what happened to the marriage. For example she says" you were never there for me." 
(rug sweeping answer) "I am sorry I will do better." 
(good answer) "how could i be there for you when you spent 75% of your free time going to see, texting, or being on the phone with another man? That's right I could not because of your actions not mine."

You must commit yourself that you will not be taken advantage of, be lied to, or be hurt by this woman ever again. There is no trust, so don't trust anything she says or does until you have concrete proof in your hands. I would make a list of things your wife needs to do to prevent D. The top of the list should say , No contact with the OM until we are either divorced or dead. She must send a No Contact letter spelling out how she was wrong, that she is sorry, that she will not speak, text or email him again ever. (be prepared to verify)
The next thing on the list should be full transparency. Total unfettered access to all forms of communication, including work email (if possible).
Then you put whatever else you need her to do IE seeing an Individual counselor, and marriage counselor. 
You can't be married to a woman who is checked out and you deserve to be happy. Stop taking the blame, stop letting her determine how this R or D is going to go, and start manning up and doing "the 180."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can't say this enough ....her refusal to see a couselor is a big statement that she is making about her view of the marriage.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife begged me to stay after she told me most of it. Yours is still involved with the OM


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

I just can't believe I was so blind. Yes, she wasn't supportive of me with my dad's death, but everything else in our marriage seemed fine. She never refused sex, and actually demanded it many times. We always went out to dinner and vacations and family outtings when all this was going on.

I feel like I should have seen so many more signs. This actually isn't my first cheating spouse. My first wife and I were married very young. We dated through college and was then married for 1 year. I immediately knew something wasn't right, and confronted her. But with her, she actually admitted everything.

God I feel so blind and used.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to find this guys wife and compare notes.

It was most certainly PA including nooners at lunch.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"God I feel so blind and used." 

You should because you are and you were!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Seriously, just file. She doesn't even want to pretend that she did anything wrong. You don't want to be married to someone who respects you this little. Find someone else who hasnt done this to you, the world is full of them.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You should get tested for std immediately


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

Why have you allowed you wife to go out drinking without you? And why did you allow her to do this often?

You let her live as someone single and she paid you back by acting like it.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

The bishop said:


> Why have you allowed you wife to go out drinking without you? And why did you allow her to do this often?
> 
> You let her live as someone single and she paid you back by acting like it.


My wife is asian and she was mostly going to asian parties (asian holidays). I really don't understand the language and felt uncomfortable. I wanted her to have fun and go out with her best friend to these parties. Yes it was my fault for doing so. I wanted her to have fun and not be the controlling husband.

Most of her heavy drinking was at home and with me. I just never understand why she started drinking so much. We always had an occasional drink, but hers became excessive.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are not a controling husband you are now a protective husband. Its up to your wife to except this protection or not.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Thank you for all the advice. It has helped a lot.

My concern is now that we are seperated, she is going to try and reconcile and come up with all kind of excuses and swear nothing ever happened, like she did since D-Day. Its very had to be strong right now because I love this woman to my very soul.

I feel like a beat dog right now...


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Dan,
I was in a very similar place as you just a couple months ago. Our stories are similar in a lot of ways, drinking, toxic friend, workplace, etc. Whatever she has admitted to it will only be about 20% of what has really happened. Exposing the OM was good but dont believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. Your going to have to make some tough decisions. Some of the things you should do may sound counter productive (like the 180) but you need to do them. If I were to give you one piece of advice, read as many of these threads as you possibly can. Treat it like your cramming for a final exam. Knowledge is power and you want to be in control with this situation. You will quickly learn there is a "cheaters script" that plays out like a checklist. 

My suggestions for right now:

Ask yourself, am I willing to be her Plan B or backup plan?

Am I willing to be a doormat and keep living with her new lifestyle choices, or do I deserve better?

If you want to change whats going on:

File for a divorce
Start the 180
Go completely dark
Detach, detach, detach

She will either wake up from the fog or stay on her current path of impending doom. At least you wont be in limbo anymore.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You have two choices. Either D her or live a cuckold life. This other friend told you what was goimg on and you verified. She has been screwing the guy for a year.
That coming home and demanding sex, we seen that here.
There is a thread here " if your wife made you a cuckold would you give her another chance ". His wife would have him give her oral after being with the om, and he never even knew. And we talking no protection sex.

Your wife sound like he couldn't finish, so she came home to you.

A whole year dude, and no remorse.
You blew it by begging her to stay when she came back.
This time mmake her take a polygraph iif she still say nothing happened for a WHOLE year.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> You have two choices. Either D her or live a *cuckold life*. This other friend told you what was goimg on and you verified. She has been screwing the guy for a year.
> That coming home and demanding sex, we seen that here.
> There is a thread here " if your wife made you a cuckold would you give her another chance ". His wife would have him give her oral after being with the om, and he never even knew. And we talking no protection sex.
> 
> ...


The cuckold life is not life.

That last part is so gross, but can be so true, that reminded me of a post where a WW came home to her husband and gave him sloppy seconds that same night and he also went down on her....wow


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

thats the thread CJS, multi times too.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Just to add fuel to the fire...

My wife was blaming a lot of her issues on the family life. She stated that the kids would never listen to her or keep the house clean. She felt like if no one listened to her, then she wanted to get away from the house.

We had 3 children living in the house, 1 was mine, the other 2 were from a previous marriage. Back in June, when we were trying to R, my wife (in a drunken state) got in an argument with my step daughter. She told her that she needs to see how hard it is to be on her own, and to have a child young. My wife was married and pregnant at the age of 17, never finished high school. 

My step daughter is a great kid, made good grades, and was the first on my wife's side to graduate high school. My daughter actually stood her ground and said "look mom, I'm not pregnant, I graduated high school, and now I'm off to college". 

Well, my wife took offense to this, made my daughter pack up all her stuff and kicked her out of the house. She then proceeded to also kick out her son (my step son who is 23). My daughter wound up moving in with her boyfriends parents. Fortunately, they are very nice, loving people and really care about my step daughter. 

I was so angry at my wife and didn't understand why she would do such a stupid thing. I wanted to kick her out instead, but we were truly trying to R and I was afraid of messing that up. I figured, if my wife doesn't want her our flesh and blood, then they will be in a much better place away from her. Why live in a home where you are not wanted.

My only guess is she has those same feelings about me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> The cuckold life is not life.
> 
> That last part is so gross, but can be so true, that reminded me of a post where a WW came home to her husband and gave him sloppy seconds that same night and he also went down on her....wow


That makes me feel sick.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

dantheman said:


> Just to add fuel to the fire...
> 
> My wife was blaming a lot of her issues on the family life. She stated that the kids would never listen to her or keep the house clean. She felt like if no one listened to her, then she wanted to get away from the house.
> 
> ...



You should have kicked her out and took the kids back in. Tell us one good thing about your wife. There are times you needed to stand up for your step kids and this was one of it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

One week later she came back and said she will promise not to talk on the phone like this again, and gave me full transperancy to her phone, email, facebook and all. I told her I knew she was at her friends work instead of getting the car inspected, and she got extremely angry at me. She said she would leave again, but I begged her not to.

And you stated that you wanted to kick your wife out for what she did to your step children (kicking them out for no good reason) but were afraid of screwing up the R.

And that is where your problems stem from, you're afraid of her and she knows it. You bluster, you throw a fit, you stomp around like a giant but the minute she raises her voice, you tuck tail and run for cover.

She's doesn't respect you because she knows she can work you around her little pinky finger like some lover sick puppy and no matter how bad it gets, eventually you'll take her back as long as she smiles and pretends at being the good wife.

Someone has probably said it already, you need boundaries and you have to stick to them. She crosses, you bail. Although IMO you should bail already but you won't because you don't have it in you at this time.

She'll keep throwing a couple of crumbs your way and you'll lick it right off the floor every time hoping she'll finally give you that big beautiful cake you've always dreamed of. I know, it'll happen one day as long as you keep giving her your support and love, eventually she'll come around and see how much you love her.....................


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

You are absolutely right, Cheatinghubby. I cannot deny it.

I have poured my soul into this woman, have given her everything, and let myself be manipulated by her for so long.

I'm afraid of completely losing her, I won't deny. She is gorgeous and sexy, and I am afraid, now that I am 40, I will never find someone better. It's pathetic, I know.

But emotionally and mentally, I feel like I have been in a very abusive relationship. One of my friends quoted as a "Stockholm Syndrome".

One day I will find my balls, I'm sure they are not lost forever.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

That one day is TODAY DAN !!! I'm 55 and getting a woman is the last thing I worry about.

But I'm going to tell you a lil secret she don't want you to know. 
SHE NEEDS YOU !!! You are the paycheck dude. Her lil beauty shop job won't let her live like she do now even with alimony.

So flip the script and start the 180. Start detaching from her. Show her by your actions that talking is over. Its show time now.
No more catering to her. Don't tell her that, just start going quiet and looking at her without saying anything. Thats going to piss her off, and she is going to try to start argument after asking why you staring at her and getting no answers. Or you just saying " I was wondering if you is really worth all my pain and suffering ". 
She might try to call your bluff, so let her. Let her go to her friends house. And you don't even attempt to contact her. Especially after saying what you did.
Let her start to worry about losing you. Let her chase you.
When she contact you, jsut say you are thinking of how much ya'll will get for the house.

These are the kind of conversation you want to have with her. This is where you find your backbone and make her crawl to you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

dantheman said:


> You are absolutely right, Cheatinghubby. I cannot deny it.
> 
> I have poured my soul into this woman, have given her everything, and let myself be manipulated by her for so long.
> 
> ...


Dan

You found your balls. Coming to this site is the first sign of that.

Now go get your family back. Pull them back into the home. And if your wife does not want to work on the marriage, keep the kids and get rid of her.

HM64


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Dan
> 
> You found your balls. Coming to this site is the first sign of that.
> 
> ...


Last conversation with her as she came to pick up some more clothes.

"are you still mad?"
"well, you lied, hide, and went behind my back with this male friend. What do you expect?"
"you never asked me about who I was talking to. I would have told you"
"sure you would have" out the door she went.

/sigh


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

dantheman said:


> Last conversation with her as she came to pick up some more clothes.
> 
> "are you still mad?"
> "well, you lied, hide, and went behind my back with this male friend. What do you expect?"
> ...


You should consider this your lucky day.


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

dantheman said:


> I'm afraid of completely losing her, I won't deny. She is gorgeous and sexy, and I am afraid, now that I am 40, I will never find someone better


*"Afraid of completely losing her"*

Dan, she knows thats what your thinking. Thats exactly why you need to file for D, go dark, and start the 180. You can either continue being "abused" and be her doormat, or change whats going on. You have to accept the PROBABILITY you will lose her for a POSSIBILITY of her changing. I think the links are in an earlier post, read it, live it. *Just let her go.* and *the 180*

*Now that I am 40, I will never find someone better*

How could you possibly do worse than what you have now? As for me, Im 45, a good hard working guy with average looks. I was 60+ lbs overweight, and within 2-3 weeks of the 180 I got bombarded by women wanting to date. Dont sell yourself short. There are a lot of women out there looking for quality men. Dont let that bullsh!t idea keep you from making changes.


You didnt ask for this to happen to you but it did. Now you are the only one that can start turning things around. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work, not just 1, and definitely not 3. Start the 180 and take care of yourself. Things will change.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dan, think of your situation as having a diseased kidney. 
You need it removed but you contemplate that you've had it forever and you really ought to have two. So you decide to forgo the operation and continue to get worse. 

REMOVE IT. YOU'LL SURVIVE


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

TBT said:


> So the OM isn't the best friend's nephew? Isn't this the second time she's left when you confronted her? Personally I would have told her not to forget anything when she left this time.


You should have told her "you walk out you stay out !!"


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> You should have told her "you walk out you stay out !!"


Apparently she is sneaking back into the house when I am not home. I noticed our bedroom door was closed, which I never do.

Started looking around and noticed some of her dirty clothes that she had left were now gone. She still has a few clothes in the closet though.

And the weirdest thing...I had a HUGE stack of phone logs (4 months worth) of just her number where she was talking, texting, and sending this guy pictures. Gone. I looked in all the trash cans, nothing.

Oh, and I am sure she noticed I had taken down ALL of our wedding pictures and placed them face down.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Change the locks Dan !!! Its time for you to stop this insanity.
As long as she has access to her home base, she is OK being able to hang with her toxic friend, then swing by when you are not there to snoop on what you ar doing.

Do this, go to your state web site and print out the D papers. Leave them where she will see them next time she slink in when you are not there.
And like someone posted, she KNOWS you worship her. Thats why YOU need the 180. Anytime someone love others more than themselves, they open up to s*** just like this. 

Also, the first thing out of your mouth to her should be POLYGRAPH. You are trying to reason with her.
Why in the hell would you have to reason with HER ??? SHE should be trying to reason with you.

thats why she took the damn records dude. She actually saw the proof, so she had to remove it to keep you from obsessing with it in your face. 

AND you still thinking with your d**k. A 40 yr old man !!!
Use your big head. You make the damn money that pay for her good time. CUT OFF THE $$$$. Close the CC. And get to the bank before she do.

By you taking no actions, she is just waitting you out. Dude, if you don't take this time to right this marriage, you might as well go buy your lil cage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56310-need-help-ww.html


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What actions have you taken ??? have you tuned off her phone ???


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That makes me feel sick.


That is just nasty where is my thrash can . I am glad I was not eatting .You can't turn a hoe into a house wife.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

dantheman said:


> You are absolutely right, Cheatinghubby. I cannot deny it.
> 
> I have poured my soul into this woman, have given her everything, and let myself be manipulated by her for so long.
> 
> ...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> That is just nasty where is my thrash can . I am glad I was not eatting .You can't turn a hoe into a house wife.


But the right guy can sure turn a house wife into a wh0re. And she'll thank him for it.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> But the right guy can sure turn a house wife into a wh0re. And she'll thank him for it.





No she was already a hoe ..he just did not know it :rofl:...


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Just to add fuel to the fire...
> 
> My wife was blaming a lot of her issues on the family life. She stated that the kids would never listen to her or keep the house clean. She felt like if no one listened to her, then she wanted to get away from the house.
> 
> ...



Oh my god, they should be ashamed to call you dad.........


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dan, did your wife own this house before marriage. If not, why didn't you defend that girl ??? Are you really so enthralled with a pretty face, that you have lost all sense of right and wrong ???
You raised that child, and sat by while she was thrown out.

I can only imagine that hurt she feel at your beytrayal to defend her.

" oh I was so mad at my wife ", but not enough to stand up for your child. There is another poster here whos wife did that to their 15 yr old son. Like you he did NOTHING !! In fact she threw him out too. 

Show me the woman that can throw me out of what I payed for, and I will show you someone with a wish for a lot of pain and suffering.

I'm OldWolf, and I approve this message !!!


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

I know its easy to look at my actions and see all my dumb mistakes from a birds eye view. But when you are caught in the moment and have to make immediate decisions, its not always easy.

I am not trying to justify what I did, but my thought process at the time was, if my wife wants to completely destroy her relationship with her daughter and son, then so be it. I sat back and let her destroy the people she should have loved with all her heart. I didn't want my daughter to go, but I didn't want her to stay in a home where she felt unloved. She needed to be in a better place right then and there, so I let her go.

The next day, I talked to my daughter and told her how I felt and why I did what I did, and she understood. I have been in constant contact with her, we talk almost daily. Her and her boyfriend came by last night for dinner and we talked for quite a few hours.

Thank you for your responses. Some of them are hurtful, but I know its what I need to hear.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so what's your plan after being here?


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

Dan,
None of these posts are meant to be hurtful. They are coming from experience. I know when you read some of these comments it can feel like salt is being poured into the wound. This is a horrible time in your life right now, I know that. Been there, done that, and still doing right now. Once you realize what you are being told is accurate and you accept it for what it is, you can start getting better. I cant stress it to you enough to start the 180. The 180 isnt meant to bring her back. Its to get you on track, make you a better person, and fix YOU. It just so happens that a lot of times (not always), the WS comes running back. Thats where I am right now, my stbxw is BEGGING to reconcile. Because of the 180, TAM, and rational thinking, Im in a place to decide what happens (D or R). There are a thousand stories like yours on here. Its up to you to decide how your story will end.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

hunter411 said:


> Dan,
> None of these posts are meant to be hurtful. They are coming from experience. I know when you read some of these comments it can feel like salt is being poured into the wound. This is a horrible time in your life right now, I know that. Been there, done that, and still doing right now. Once you realize what you are being told is accurate and you accept it for what it is, you can start getting better. I cant stress it to you enough to start the 180. The 180 isnt meant to bring her back. Its to get you on track, make you a better person, and fix YOU. It just so happens that a lot of times (not always), the WS comes running back. Thats where I am right now, my stbxw is BEGGING to reconcile. Because of the 180, TAM, and rational thinking, Im in a place to decide what happens (D or R). There are a thousand stories like yours on here. Its up to you to decide how your story will end.


Spoken like a man who has walked through the fire.

Kudos to you Hunter411.

Listen to him Dan. Read his thread. Get your head into the fight.

Being passive might protect you but only for a little while.

But while you might feel protected everything else is still crumbling around you.

And keep telling yourself this "I have all the power now".

Believe it. Make your life and your families life better. With or without your wayward wife.

HM64


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> No she was already a hoe ..he just did not know it :rofl:...


I can only go from my own experience, and that is that every woman has her inner slvt. Some have already been awakened, other's are awaiting Prince Charming.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

You know the saddest part about all of this...

I was sexually abused by my step father, I kept hidden for 25 years so I wouldn't destory the family that I had. I was cheated on by my first wife, which I truely loved and considered my soul mate. And then found a women that helped me through ALL of this and swore to never cheat on me or hurt me in any way, only to find out 15 years later she could care less about me and only about herself.

I feel like the BIGGEST doormat in the world. 

And now I go to sleep by myself questioning, why am I still alive...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

You are not a doormat. You are a nice guy.

Too nice......

It is time to get tough Dan.

Get tough on your wife Dan, accept no more of her lies.

Tough on your marriage Dan, decide if you want it or not.

Stop letting your life be manipulated by others.

Sorry about the abuse in your life but if this past is causing issues for you now then it is time to get professional help to ensure a happier future!

HM64


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Find a counselor with PTSD experience. It will be a God send.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Dan, as said, we don't mean to hurt.

You want to know why you are alive. Because YOU make a difference in people lives.
Yes your own is again challenged, but you are a survivor. Not only that, but you raised that girl, and the actions you took for those reasons speak well of you.

I apologize for the way I came at you.

Now, what we need you to do is find you a good IC. Someone that can deal with PTSD like Chap said.

We rooting and PRAYING for your family Dan.


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Well, just a quick update...

Wife came back home after 2 weeks. I knew she was going to when I received a text message from her saying "I miss you and will always love you, even if you hate me".

When I got home she was already asleep, so I sleep in the the other bedroom. In the early morning, she came in and kept trying to kiss me and asked to join her in the bedroom. I rejected her and told to go back to bed, she finally did. I saw right through what she was trying to do...make up sex to make everyting ok. Kinda pissed me off.

I waited a couple of days and confronted her last night giving her a chance to R. I asked her if she thought about the situation for the past 2 weeks. I asked her what she wanted from me and what she wanted from us. She said there was nothing going on with the OM, and that she wanted us to be together and do things together. I asked her, how she wanted to fix things. No response.

I then stated what I wanted. Told her I wanted to be with someone that was completely honest with me. I told her that if she truly understood the "15 signs of an Emotional and Physical Affair" (which I had her read the night before) she would understand that what she did was serious. That her relationship with the OM was a "boyfriend girlfriend" relationship. I need the truth and I need the details.

And of course she starts saying the same crap "there was nothing going on" "you know everything" "i didn't do anything"
So what about the naked pictures and you telling the OM you loved him. Thats nothing? She then just gave me an ugly look.
I asked her if there is anything else to say and she said no. I then told her I have nothing else to say to her either.

So 180 is now in effect and I am left with only 1 option...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Stay strong. Thanks for the update.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Why did you let her back in ?? She goes off and party for 2 weeks with her toxic gf and bf and money run short, so now she wants to come back to reload her cc and debit card. 
Your main demand should have been DUMP the gf forever !!
I mean come on man !! You have all this evidence with pics. No remorse. No guilt, and you doing the 180 ??

NO, you should be filing the papers. MAYBE then she will take you serious. So far she gets kicked out, go party, get broke, then comes home to make up. BUT can't even bother to be remorseful or truthful. FILE DAN !!!!

Do this at least, POLYGRAPH !!


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Why did you let her back in ?? She goes off and party for 2 weeks with her toxic gf and bf and money run short, so now she wants to come back to reload her cc and debit card.
> Your main demand should have been DUMP the gf forever !!
> I mean come on man !! You have all this evidence with pics. No remorse. No guilt, and you doing the 180 ??
> 
> ...


Well, of my first D-Day (which wasn't as bad as what I recently found out) I did try and kick her out. She didn't want to leave and started throwing my clothes out. I called the Cops and they made her leave, but they told me I could not forcefully keep her out of the house. It's a civil matter. The only way is to file.

This woman is so heavy in the fog, its not even funny. She will take it to the grave.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

This is NOT FOG Dan. This is a woman wanting to have her marriage HER WAY !! No matter how her family is affected.

STOP making excuses for her !!

There is NOTHING special or different here. She is a selfish cake eating CHEATER.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Well, of my first D-Day (which wasn't as bad as what I recently found out) I did try and kick her out. She didn't want to leave and started throwing my clothes out. I called the Cops and they made her leave, but they told me I could not forcefully keep her out of the house. It's a civil matter. The only way is to file.
> 
> This woman is so heavy in the fog, its not even funny. She will take it to the grave.


Not all of them take it to the grave but at this time you give her the consequences.

File.

Do not tell her just do it.

Have her served at work.

That will truly show her how serious you are.

And even if you are living together start he 180 for you.

Time to act Dan is now!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> This is NOT FOG Dan. This is a woman wanting to have her marriage HER WAY !! No matter how her family is affected.
> 
> STOP making excuses for her !!
> 
> There is NOTHING special or different here. She is a selfish cake eating CHEATER.


x1000. She's not temporaly insane, she's not abducted by aliens, she knows well what's doing only she doesn't give a damm.
Fog = excuse.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Dan, did your wife own this house before marriage. *If not, why didn't you defend that girl ??? Are you really so enthralled with a pretty face, that you have lost all sense of right and wrong ???*
> You raised that child, and sat by while she was thrown out.
> 
> I can only imagine that hurt she feel at your beytrayal to defend her.
> ...


It's what shocked me the most from all this story.
A man who has no balls to defend his child because he loses his sense in front of a pretty face. And to even think that he's 40, not 4. I'm not sure If I would call him a 'man' at this point.
*She emasculated him*. Not because she cheated, but because (even before the cheating) he was not able to put a foot on the ground and stand up for who he is. He didn't give himself a chance to have a say.

On the other hand, if my dad did what he did, I'm not sure if I'd be able to talk to him for the rest of my life. 

The infidelity of his wife is like a drop in the ocean. I think he's got more other things he needs to work on, starting from his own personality issues.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

dantheman said:


> I kept digging feeling like there was more. The morning before D-Day I had called her to she if she could take our daughter to soccer practice, and asked her what she was doing. She told me she was getting our car inspected. Well come to find out, she never got the car inspected and spent 2 hours in the same city her best friend works at. Well, also that morning she got a phone call from this suspicous number. I had a gut feeling she was seeing someone at her best friends work. With a bit more checking I found that she was going to her best friends work about 3 times a week for the past year.
> 
> One week later she came back and said she will promise not to talk on the phone like this again, and gave me full transperancy
> 
> ...


Polygraph if she LOVES you so much .


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

dantheman said:


> ...
> So what about the naked pictures and you telling the OM you loved him. Thats nothing? She then just gave me an ugly look. I asked her if there is anything else to say and she said no. I then told her I have nothing else to say to her either.


All you mentioned in that post was very good, only beware to ask things that demand an opinion of her or give opportunity to gaslighting.

Not '_So what about_...._thats nothing?_'. 
Not 'Then I have nothinge else to say _either_'

You tell her how it is. No weak words like 'me either'. Use commanding words only. 
Play strong. Let her do the work if she wants. Keep cool!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Some cheaters would keep lying to their last breath...Her denial means nothing


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## dantheman (Sep 25, 2012)

Another update...

So everything is prepared and I am moving forward with D.

I just hate the feeling of being on the fence sometimes. I mean, the last 6 months of our false R has been hell, and looking forward the next 6 months are going to be TRUE hell. I feel like I am in a lose/lose situation.

So now I am having to not only worry about my emotional state of mind, but my financial state. Double the stress.

I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up a year from now and everything will be better.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

dantheman said:


> Another update...
> 
> So everything is prepared and I am moving forward with D.
> 
> ...


Just focus on the next day. In a year your life will be better.

That is what you should look forward to.

Even though you did not make the mess you have to clean it up.

And the hell with the money. She is not worth it.
HM64


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Just focus on the next day. In a year your life will be better.
> 
> That is what you should look forward to.
> 
> ...


And when you have the deputies serve her at work oh I would love to see her reaction:lol:


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

dantheman said:


> The next day, I talked to my daughter and told her how I felt and why I did what I did, and *she understood*. I have been in constant contact with her, we talk almost daily. Her and her boyfriend came by last night for dinner and we talked for quite a few hours.
> 
> Thank you for your responses. Some of them are hurtful, but I know its what I need to hear.


She understood exactly where she stood in the rankings of your penis vs your familial obligations. Yes, there is a tension between them (after all, your 'wife' is also family...sort of) But the daughter, who got to see the family dynamics for YEARS knows exactly who runs the roost.

(Hint: It isn't you)

I'm glad you are in contact with them. Too bad they aren't invited to their familial home. Too bad all the success your daughter has accomplished is bitter ashes in her mouth and has only cost her pain.

If you are going to go through the difficulty of this divorce, why not throw a bone to your daughter as well?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Dan The man?

Wheres the man? All I see is the beta.

To be Dantheman you gotta stay on track. 

Cause I guarantee you your wife is going to be coming along saying just what you wanted to hear months ago, don't fall for it. 

Shes not remorseful, shes not even guilty. She'll only try to R to keep her financial situation and comfortable life intact.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Speaking of money, have you clamped down on the finances yet?

If you haven't (because HEAVENS, she might be upset with you) then do so. Change bank accounts. Change pins. Do whatever to make sure that Little Miss Bangkok has to rely on HER money to party.

This may make her crawl back...but do you really want her back if that is her motive?


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