# Feeling a lot of anger today...



## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Hate feeling this way...

Short background-- as stated in other threads, got the ILYBINILWY on Oct 31. Wife still living with me and divorce petition filed. She just started working 3 weeks ago. I told her she at least needs to contribute to children stuff since I pay all the other bills in the household-- basically supporting the person rejecting me is what is eating at me. 

She still continues to get her brazilian wax even though she says she is in 'survival mode' to pay for the apt she will be moving to. The other day, after her wax, she asked me to move $15 to our joint acct to pay for half of some earrings that she bought our daughter for xmas. Meanwhile i spent $100 on her for our kids to have something to give her for xmas, and another $85 on a gift for me so the kids would have something to give ME for xmas-- that she supposedly bought (in the kids' eyes). 

So anyway, she wants to be single-- and when I ask her exactly what she wants with this divorce and her life going forward-- she says she wants to be her own person, be strong, independent, so on. 

What she really wants is to be single, have the kids 50% of the time so she can do whatever the rest of the time, and she wants someone else to pay for it. 

Doing all I can to hold it together so that we do not have to go to court. I could really go off on her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this.

Is she involved with someone else?

My advice is to try to separate from her as soon as possible. Living together during all this cannot be easy on you. Don't worry about her brazilian waxes or whatever other thing she is doing.

From now on, treat her as you would a colleague: cordial but indifferent in a way.

When/how long til divorce/til one of you moves?


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

she meets with apt people next week and hoping they have somethng open Feb 1. 

The wax thing is a huge trigger with me b/c she started back in April and and wanted nothing to do w/ me physically afterward, and now she says she is in survival mode or whatever, i am paying for everything and she still does it. I have tried to find evidence of someone else and yes I could go PI and all that, but I dont really care now. just is a trigger, esp when I am basically paying for everything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It is odd that she started changing her, um, grooming habits there. That is why I asked. Also, it coincides with the timing her telling you ILYBINILWY. Nonetheless... try as best you can not to dwell on it. Hopefully she hears on that apartment soon. I think once she is out of your sight, it will help you with the healing process.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

Yes, I have mentioned this several times. There is nothing there that I can find, she insists there is and never has been anyone. She says it she started doing it thinking it would spice things up with us but then just really liked it. Whatever. I dont care WHY I just know in one way or another I am paying for it and basically supporting her and today it has just got me p*ssed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what caused the breakdown? Have you guys been having a lot of problems lately?

Tell her she needs to realize her future involved just paying her own way because you can't support her forever, especially if she is leaving the marriage. I am sorry this happened. Unwanted divorce sucks but it is way better to be alone than w/ a person who doesn't want to be with you. She is actually doing you a favor. You can't see it now but one day you will.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Just let the anger wash over you. It will not last and you will have a more focused life. Come February, how she pays for her grooming will be her issue, not yours.
This is a hard time of year to have to make these adjustments in your life. I'm sorry.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

What caused the breakdown is...i dont know. just little triggers every few days, and yes I know she is doing me a huge favor, i just am tired of supporting her when SHE wants to leave the marriage. 

Thanks for the messages. I know i should not let it bother me. Somedays, i just feel it. Other days i dont care at all and feel good. Hopefully the day gets better for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Try to busy yourself with something you enjoy doing. Get some sunlight, exercise, a new hobby. Go to a new place you have been meaning to but haven't. Buy a new shirt.


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## Mo42 (Jul 25, 2013)

I have probably spent a grand on stuff, i have a personal trainer. if it were nice out i would be playing tennis, hiking. it is below zero. 

This is something that i have moved on from for the most part but every once in awhile the supporting the person that rejected you piece of it gets me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mo42 said:


> This is something that i have moved on from for the most part but every once in awhile the supporting the person that rejected you piece of it gets me.


Normal. Completely normal. In fact, it'd be more odd if you did not feel a bit rejected. Time is the only answer. And getting away from her. Until you guys aren't living together, the process is going to be an uphill battle. But time is def on your side. We are here for you, too.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Sorry you're here Mo. 

If you don't like something say so. 

Don't help her pay for her personal things. 

If she decides to buy something for the kids she should pay for it. You buy your own gifts for your child. 

Providing a gift for your child to give their mother is between you and your child. Teaching your child to respect their mother is a benefit to the child and has little to do with their mother. Still it's entirely up to you. 

She fired you as her provider and protector. Stop doing the job.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you're not ok paying, stop.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

First, on anger, this is a lesson I've come back to again and again over the last two years:

_"If you have given way to anger, be sure that over and above the evil involved therein, you have strengthened the habit, and added fuel to the fire. If overcome by a temptation of the flesh, do not reckon it a single defeat, but that you have also strengthened your dissolute habits. Habits and faculties are necessarily affected by the corresponding acts... One who has had fever, even when it has left him, is not in the same condition of health as before, unless indeed his cure is complete. Something of the same sort is true also of diseases of the mind. Behind, there remains a legacy of traces and of blisters: and unless these are effectually erased, subsequent blows on the same spot will produce no longer mere blisters, but sores. If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase. At first, keep quiet and count the days when you were not angry: 'I used to be angry every day, then every other day: next every two, next every three days!' and if you succeed in passing thirty days, sacrifice to the Gods in thanksgiving."_ *- Epictetus*

With regards to the finances... I had a very similar situation for a long time, and I have one question...



Mo42 said:


> The other day, after her wax, she asked me to move $15 to our joint acct...


Why do you have a joint account?

I am presuming the mortgage or lease for your home is in both your names, so you can't exactly kick her out. But you need to separate your finances, and you need to make her responsible for her share of the living expenses.

So, first, get her name off all of your joint accounts, or get your name off them, and, if you can, close the ones you can't (opening a new account in your name only, if necessary). This includes bank accounts, insurance, credit cards, loans, car titles, retirement... everything you can.

Then, if you have a lawyer already, ask him about filing a Petition for Temporary Support... Explain to him that she's still living in the marital home, but is not contributing a fair share toward the household expenses. The petition will go before a judge, who can turn in it into a Court Order forcing your Almost-Ex-Wife to pay whatever percentage of the bills the judge deems fit (usually what you and your lawyer ask for, so long as it looks fair).

With a Court Order in effect, she can be held in civil contempt of court if she doesn't pay.

Go do it ASAP... I waited far longer than I should have before I did.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.

Marcus Aurelius


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