# Male Co-Worker Advice



## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Good morning, everyone. I'm new here, and need some help with a male co-worker. I apologize for the length, but I feel you'll need details to see this entire picture.

_Background:_ He's in his mid-fifties, married three times, widowed twice (third wife passed away less than four years ago). He seems to be primarily attracted to younger women (as in, in their 20s), and has lived with at least three former co-workers in that age range. I find him vaguely kind and considerate, but I have no romantic or sexual attraction to him at all.

After he "friended" me on Facebook, we began having instant-messenger conversations there. He attempted romancing me almost immediately ... stating how beautiful I am, he loved me with all his heart, he would always take care of me mentally AND sexually (in fact, most of our conversations were sexual in nature). He also stated how he would love to kiss, hug, and touch me at work. Now, I do have a high sex drive, and participated in the conversations eagerly for a time. However, within a couple of weeks I realized this was NOT what I wanted or needed.

I advised him I was more than happy to be a friend, but I was not attracted to him sexually or romantically. I also apologized for communicating inappropriately, instead of being up front.

His reaction? Oh, he wasn't looking for a relationship, but he needed to be surrounded by people who loved him ... and it was too bad I was throwing away a great opportunity. He also blocked me from contacting him on Facebook.

About a week ago, he sent me a friendship request on Facebook; I thought I would start anew, being a friend only. We began chatting again; I made sure I mentioned NOTHING sexual. However, guess what he brought up again? Sex. For example, he promised he would not only give me a pedicure, but shave my ***** for me, as well. And, he insinuated, in return for his doing such an intimate service, I would _have_ to allow him to perform cunnilingus on me. 

I told him that was *not* going to happen, and got out of the conversation as quickly as possible. I immediately re-blocked him from Facebook, and blocked him from my cell phone and email accounts.

_Question:_ When I return to work, how should I handle this if he asks me about it in person? I don't want a scene caused at work — seeing how he reacted so childishly the first time — but I am also not crossing this boundary again.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Does he do this at work? If he does, just look him in the eye and tell him that you would HATE to have to report him for harrassment.

I think you also need to ask yourself: Is this the kind of friend you want?


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

No, he has never acted this way at work — in fact, he is the complete opposite (very quiet, almost no eye contact with anyone, very soft-spoken). And no, this is not the kind of friend I want (I have cut off all contact with him). I was expecting too much, apparently, to hope he would listen to what I told him.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

> Now, I do have a high sex drive, and participated in the conversations eagerly for a time.


Maybe he is just hopeful based on your past actions?

If he bugs you at work I would let him know to stop or you will report him. And if you say it, do it.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

I believe he was hopeful, yes, the first time around. However, I expected he would stop once I told him I had no attraction to him whatsoever. (Which doesn't excuse my eager participation — I can see why he would be hurt and angry)


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you've figured out that this guy is unrepentant creep.

he smiles, and is nice in front of others, but immediately turns into something else when it's private.

the sad thing is this seems to work with the women you work with, given his history. 

Block him on FB again, and tell him to his face - if he ever crosses that line, or trash talks you - you will go straight to HR.

tell him you've saved all the messages if he ever tries to pull anything.

you should also warn the other girls at work about the fact that he's a predator and a creep.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

sunvalley said:


> I believe he was hopeful, yes, the first time around. However, I expected he would stop once I told him I had no attraction to him whatsoever. (Which doesn't excuse my eager participation — I can see why he would be hurt and angry)


He was hurt and angry because that is part of the emotional game guys like this play.

they push for more and more, and when you confront - they back off and act like you've hurt and betrayed them. then the let the dust settle, and they come back, all smiles and promises. 

soon the cylce begins again. push, push,push.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I think you've figured out that this guy is unrepentant creep.
> 
> he smiles, and is nice in front of others, but immediately turns into something else when it's private.
> 
> ...


:thumbup: This is EXACTLY how he acted this time around; you might have been at his computer!  (Which I know you weren't)

He is indeed a predatory creep (and, based on things he let slip in one conversation, I have my doubts as to whether his first wife died a _natural_ death).

I have blocked him from FB, my cell phone, AND my email accounts. And I will indeed be firm with him if he tries anything at work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What did he say about the way his first wife died


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What did he say about the way his first wife died


 It is so hard for me to type this ... but he said she was "eaten by a coyote in Mexico." I did some checking around; no such story on record anywhere. This doesn't mean it _didn't_ happen .... but of course, there's really no way to check without the wife's name.

Whatever the truth of the matter, it's a pretty sick joke if not true.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah. That os sick. So is your engaging him on that level. You work w him so you're going to have to eat it-the fact that you guys let it get this far. My advice is to cut off all contact with him outside of work. He sounds the type who will prob slag you off at work and tell others how you wanted on him and the kinds of conversation u were having w him. Yuck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So I advise you to "unofficially go to hr" and tell them about him and his behavior out of the office.

It's predatory, and it's abusive of young women working there. 

don't say to them "I've been harassed and I need help"

instead tell them

"look, there is this guy in the department and here is what I've experience with him"

this way they know to be on the watch, and if some other girl gets target by him (and they will be) the HR guys will know a little background and give her support.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah. That os sick. So is your engaging him on that level. You work w him so you're going to have to eat it-the fact that you guys let it get this far. My advice is to cut off all contact with him outside of work. He sounds the type who will prob slag you off at work and tell others how you wanted on him and the kinds of conversation u were having w him. Yuck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, what I did was sick — and it's one of the main reasons I am now in counseling.

I *have* cut off all contact with him, and have no doubt he will insinuate to others I really wanted him, deep down, but was too emotionally wrecked to know it. What I'm worried about is him preying on other emotionally vulnerable women.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So I advise you to "unofficially go to hr" and tell them about him and his behavior out of the office.
> 
> It's predatory, and it's abusive of young women working there.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice — I will do this when I return to work next week, and let you all know how it goes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You will need to have written communications telling him to stop contact with you on any level except anything that is needed for work. Do this every time he contacts you on a personal level.

Only after you have established a history of your telling him to stop it and to leave you alone can you go to HR. Right now he has a history of emails, texts, etc from you showing that it was consentual. So you have to create a new history that is very clear that you are not interested and have clearly told him to stop, leave you alone.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You will need to have written communications telling him to stop contact with you on any level except anything that is needed for work. Do this every time he contacts you on a personal level.
> 
> Only after you have established a history of your telling him to stop it and to leave you alone can you go to HR. Right now he has a history of emails, texts, etc from you showing that it was consentual. So you have to create a new history that is very clear that you are not interested and have clearly told him to stop, leave you alone.


EleGirl, you have some good points as well. Thanks for the feedback.

I do want to point out the communication between us happened OUTSIDE work (we did not IM each other on Facebook or exchange emails during working hours). He was clever enough to protect himself on that score.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sunvalley said:


> EleGirl, you have some good points as well. Thanks for the feedback.
> 
> I do want to point out the communication between us happened OUTSIDE work (we did not IM each other on Facebook or exchange emails during working hours). He was clever enough to protect himself on that score.


Even if this is so, if you go to HR and complain about him right now he can bring the communications you had with him on your own time. It makes it look even more like you were a willing participant.

If you stick by no further off work contact. And sending him written communications (email or letter) every time he contacts you, to leave you alone and stop it you will have the backup evidence you need to put a stop to this nonsense.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You may never know , but there may already be complaints about him with HR. They won't tell you, but they'll add yours to the file, and use it when the time is right.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IF, he tries to contact you again, answer him one tima, and one time ONLY

State, this is your last communication to him ---be very blunt

Tell him, you no longer wish to have any contact with him whatsoever, about ANYTHING, and that includes the workplace

That's it on your part, anything else he sends, you IGNORE---I E---hit the DELETE button.

Also maybe its time you stopped being so gullible, and trusting.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

This male co-worker is yours is only interested in sex and not relationship. He blocked you on FB and later asked for another request. Hello, he is the wrong guy to be with, just ask him to leave you the hell alone.


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