# Seperated 7 weeks



## Wish30 (3 mo ago)

Hello everyone. I am lost and confused on what to do. My wife and I have been seperated for the last 7 weeks. I won't get into the details of why but it started off with me being too controlling and when I decided to get help with a MC and what not she chose to leave.

Anyways it has been 7 weeks. She lives with 2 friends and I have full custody of both of our 2 sons (6 and 4) during all of this.

Where I am confused and not sure what to do anymore is because I feel like I'm the only one fighting to try and figure this out. And she keeps pushing me and the kids further and further away. As if she seperated from all of us not just me. We always said to eachother for years we would try everything before calling it quits and when I'm trying she doesn't want to because she says she did for years before I decided to.

How she is pushing the kids away is by not trying to be there for them at all. Or pushes time with them away. She gets 2 days a week with them but they still sleep in our home not where she is staying. And the last 3 weeks she has made plans to change it from a Tuesday to a Wednesday. And then on a Saturday morning she was suppose to be at our son's hockey game and she never showed up. She got there with 15 min left but our other son fell asleep in the car is what she told me. And the she had a planned birthday trip for her friend and the day before she left she was suppose to come over to see them since it be almost a week without them. During the day I asked her to finish work from our home since they were here and she could have more time with them. She refused and ended up seeing them for maybe an hour or hour and a half before leaving. It just feels like she is enjoying being free from mom life and marriage life.

Now I feel like her friends are part of the problem. She gets meaner to me when she is with them. More rude and shorter on texts etc but with us she is a different person that sounds like she cares and wants to eventually come home. She told me recently that 4 years ago she fell out of love with me. And Facebook decided to pop up with a anniversary for her and her BFF 4 years ago.... and her BFF seperated from her husband over a year ago. This seems like a big coincidence to me. But I don't know. They come off like typical best friends. Coffee, dinner, lunch, brunch, girls nights, etc nothing seems sketchy to me. But I don't know what is being said. I know my wife has used her to vent about me, could they be encouraging her to leave me?

I have hit the point I don't want to lose my kids at all. They are my world and I always put them first but she seems to put her and her friends first every day. She stopped picking 1 up from daycare having her mom do it so she can hang out with her friends on the 1 day a week I ask her to pick him up because of our oldest sports where I help coach.

So I have hit that point of not wanting them gone from me at all. And I am not sure if I need to end this or not. I feel disrespected by her and our marriage. Reflecting back I feel like she was the one trying to control me the last 4 years and we would only do whatever she wanted. She would gaslight me etc. Should I put my foot down and tell her if you refuse to stop the behaviors that our hurting me and our marriage (putting her friends first over our marriage and kids), i will take that as our marriage is not important to you. i refuse to be in a marriage were im being disrespected and were trust is an issue?

I would like to add we both work at home for the last year and a half. And she claims because she saw me daily all day long we didn't need to go out on dates and what not. But at the same time our sex life was great (even she admits that now during all of this)

We did see an MC but now only see the same MC individually.

I love her a ton. I still look at her the same way I did when we met and feel the same. So I don't want this to end, I want this to be worked on.

I know I haven't given all of the details but I don't really want to, it's 7 weeks of details to explain if not more to our past.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Wish30 said:


> Hello everyone. I am lost and confused on what to do. My wife and I have been seperated for the last 7 weeks. I won't get into the details of why but it started off with me being too controlling and when I decided to get help with a MC and what not she chose to leave.
> 
> Anyways it has been 7 weeks. She lives with 2 friends and I have full custody of both of our 2 sons (6 and 4) during all of this.
> 
> ...


@Wish30 Welcome to TAM. I'm really sorry you're here with this, and I'm equally sorry for the words coming next, and after mine.

It seems pretty clear your wife has checked out, is gone, and won't return. 7 weeks separated. You already tried MC.


Who knows what your wife is doing or why. But that's not important right now.

She's not coming back and she's abandoned her family.

You're going to _have_ to prepare for divorce.
There's no way to sugarcoat that... it's coming.

But it's not all bad news.
Get a pen and paper and document the living daylight out of everything.
And do it _quietly_
Do not talk to your wife about _anything_ that you don't have to.
Let her go.

She left the house
She is not spending time with the kids ,write down the times of every visit and every missed visit.
She is not picking them up, write down the times and dates and even take selfies there.

This could help you in the custody battle to come.

Document every time you do something that she should do but backs out.
Document every time she doesn't come to a school event.

Check with a lawyer and ask about everything that's going on.
Find out your options for divorce and what things might look like.

I hope other posters after me have more encouraging words, but I sincerely doubt it.

Brace yourself for the worst but put your kid's welfare at the top of your list right now. Move on from your wife. She is not your friend anymore.


If your wife did come home tomorrow, could you trust her to not leave again?
Don't you think she's probably enjoying that single life a little _too_ much?
It sounds like she is. Coincidence. Yea right.

Best of luck to you


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Wish30 said:


> Hello everyone. I am lost and confused on what to do. My wife and I have been seperated for the last 7 weeks. I won't get into the details of why but it started off with me being too controlling and when I decided to get help with a MC and what not she chose to leave.
> 
> Anyways it has been 7 weeks. She lives with 2 friends and I have full custody of both of our 2 sons (6 and 4) during all of this.
> 
> ...


You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow this separation to continue for 1 more day, period.
A separation is only a way to

ease into a divorce at her convenience,
and/or
try out another man/men. Do not allow this separation to continue. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
She’s either your wife or she’s not. Do not tolerate anything in between.
If she insists she needs to continue this separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, respond accordingly.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest.

Your love for her is completely irrelevant to this situation. Her love, and respect for you is obviously quite lacking.

Also, what exactly were you doing that was “too controlling” ?


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## Wish30 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> @Wish30 Welcome to TAM. I'm really sorry you're here with this, and I'm equally sorry for the words coming next, and after mine.
> 
> It seems pretty clear your wife has checked out, is gone, and won't return. 7 weeks separated. You already tried MC.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the honesty. I know it's hard to accept what you have said but I think I'm prepared for all scenarios at this point. I stopped crying about everything. 

The free life she's living isn't exactly single life. I still see everything she's posts on socials and where she is when she says something. She's not our clubbing or partying. She does smoke a lot of weed and loves shopping. So I know that's majority of what she does with her friends. Is she enjoying all of that a bit much yes. 

I think what bugs me most is the kids... she doesn't even check in on them but claims she has all this mom guilt for leaving. 

I will start documenting the mistakes she is making with them. I already have them 100% and our daily routine is down to a science. They ask about her less and less each week. And they know what's going on. And if you do ask them they still say they want us all together. 

I would like to add we have been together 12 years married for 8. But got together at 18 years old. To me a lot of this comes from being bored and missing out on her 20's, like a mid life crisis.


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## Wish30 (3 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.
> 
> DO NOT allow this separation to continue for 1 more day, period.
> A separation is only a way to
> ...


Thank you for the reply! 

You asked what I did that was controlling back then. I had anger, depression issues (I have never hit anyone) but guilt her into spending time with me instead of friends. She says I made her choose between school and kids because I didn't want them after 30. I'd snap and be upset on things I disagreed with and would talk until she followed what I wanted. But 4 years ago that started to change. And for sure the last year when I started my mental health journey I stopped. And it's like she's getting back at me for it


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Wish30 said:


> Thank you for the reply!
> 
> You asked what I did that was controlling back then. I had anger, depression issues (I have never hit anyone) but guilt her into spending time with me instead of friends. She says I made her choose between school and kids because I didn't want them after 30. I'd snap and be upset on things I disagreed with and would talk until she followed what I wanted. But 4 years ago that started to change. And for sure the last year when I started my mental health journey I stopped. And it's like she's getting back at me for it


Just be advised, more often than not, when you’re accused of being “controlling” it’s absolute nonsense.

I don’t know if you were or not, but it’s not controlling to have expectations and boundaries for your life, your marriage and your wife.
It’s not controlling to expect your wife to spend a lot of time with you.
It’s not controlling for you to expect your wife to behave and conduct herself like a married woman, not a single one.

The main point though, is that you are being completely passive and weak with the way you’re handling the situation thus far.
What’s going on is completely unacceptable, and you need to take control and set boundaries and expectations immediately.
Your wife either comes back home and works on your marriage together or you file for divorce immediately. 
Stop letting her string you along like a pathetic puppy while she abandons you and her children to play single woman.
You need to get a lawyer now and start planning your next steps, because your wife is already way ahead of you.

And whether you want to accept it or not, it is very likely that your wife is engaging in inappropriate marital behavior at the very least and most likely outright cheating on you.

You need to manifest some self-respect and dignity and stop tolerating this situation right now.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Wish30 said:


> But got together at 18 years old. To me a lot of this comes from being bored and missing out on her 20's, like a mid life crisis.


Doesn’t matter, her behavior is completely unacceptable. She’s either your wife or she’s not, and you are failing if you choose to passively tolerate this separation.

It sounds like when you decided to try to become less “controlling“ you also lost your willingness to set boundaries and expectations in your marriage. That’s bad. 
That makes you a passive doormat that women (including your wife) will not respect.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Wish30 said:


> I appreciate the honesty. I know it's hard to accept what you have said but I think I'm prepared for all scenarios at this point. I stopped crying about everything.
> 
> The free life she's living isn't exactly single life. I still see everything she's posts on socials and where she is when she says something. She's not our clubbing or partying. She does smoke a lot of weed and loves shopping. So I know that's majority of what she does with her friends. Is she enjoying all of that a bit much yes.
> 
> ...


The biggest thing in my opinion is to check in with a lawyer asap and document.

Once you have a clear picture of how you would land, then give her the speech. Come home or stay gone.

From your commentary, it looks to me like she's gone. "Walk Away Wife"

It is unusual for a mother to walk away from her kids. Whatever pulled her away (or pushed her away) must have a strong grip. Mom's don't walk away because they like to smoke weed and go shopping. They walk away for love or walk away from fear.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Wish30 said:


> Hello everyone. I am lost and confused on what to do. My wife and I have been seperated for the last 7 weeks. I won't get into the details of why but it started off with me being too controlling and when I decided to get help with a MC and what not she chose to leave.
> 
> Anyways it has been 7 weeks. She lives with 2 friends and I have full custody of both of our 2 sons (6 and 4) during all of this.
> 
> ...


Rarely will wives walk out from a marriage knowing they`ll be worse off unless a husband is extremely mentally or physically abusive or having affairs. Most will have a plan B, meaning *could* be either another guy or even a woman.
Who are the 2 friends she is staying with? Are they female or male, single or married?
Does your wife have any mental issues or drink or drug addictions?
How is your wife financially supporting herself?
If a wife asks for a trial separation or some me time or claims she needs some space, it possibly means she has an affair partner or she has reverted to living a single partying lifestyle, or as known in the trade, riding the carousel.
The fact that your wife is pushing you away and the kids are with you means she must have something else going on in her life that doesn`t include you or the kids.
My advice is, discreetly begin checking out her online activities, social media and cell phone if possible. And if you know your wife is going out with friends, follow her or unexpectedly turn up to where she is or even ask a friend who your wife doesn`t know to do this.
If you can afford it, hire the services of a PI.
Regardless, you need to do something before she files for divorce which is looking likely.
Keep us updated.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Wish30 said:



She does smoke a lot of weed and loves shopping. So I know that's majority of what she does with her friends. Is she enjoying all of that a bit much yes.

Click to expand...

*Gee OP, between being a pothead who loves to go to the mall and all that *top-notch* mothering she's always giving those kids I can see why you don't want to let this one go.

Time to stop crying into your Wheaties and start being *PROACTIVE*.

That begins by going to a lawyer! You need to educate yourself legally so that you can best protect you and your sons in every single way. You're not making wise decisions but you'd better start. Get to a lawyer - knowledge is POWER. You're going to make bad future decisions out of desperation and emotion rather than logic, so get to a lawyer and learn what your rights are so you DON'T make bad decisions.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Wish30 said:


> Thank you for the reply!
> 
> You asked what I did that was controlling back then. I had anger, depression issues (I have never hit anyone) but guilt her into spending time with me instead of friends. She says I made her choose between school and kids because I didn't want them after 30. I'd snap and be upset on things I disagreed with and would talk until she followed what I wanted. But 4 years ago that started to change. And for sure the last year when I started my mental health journey I stopped. And it's like she's getting back at me for it


Don't make excuses to make yourself feel better of why you think she left. None of those things you mentioned would be even remotely close as to why your wife is leaving you now. The problem could be the exact opposite of what you wrote.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I stopped reading when you said she left the kids too. This is *very* unusual for a Mom to do. Usually when it happens, it’s because the woman is devoting her time solely to another guy. I would do some digging around on that first.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Every day that you delay filing for separation is another day she could be out there racking up debts that you will be liable for.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Wish30 said:


> Hello everyone. I am lost and confused on what to do. My wife and I have been seperated for the last 7 weeks. I won't get into the details of why but it started off with me being too controlling and when I decided to get help with a MC and what not she chose to leave.
> 
> Anyways it has been 7 weeks. She lives with 2 friends and I have full custody of both of our 2 sons (6 and 4) during all of this.
> 
> ...


How long have you been controlling? I am in exactly the same situation as you, except my husband was you. I agreed to marriage counseling due to coercive control from him, but here we are. Can't really say I blame her, b/c if I had the choice, I probably wouldn't have decided to work it out. A lot of work for me, that I feel is unnecessary. She may feel the way I do, and is just done with it.


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