# Red Flags Everywhere and not a drop to Drink



## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Everyone is here for a reason. We are unhappy with something or many things in our marriages. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I so believe that. 

My question to you lot is: Think back to when you first met and started dating your spouse. Think about after the wedding, the years with children, etc. 

Looking back, were there red flags you noticed but ignored? When we were young and in love, those red flags may have presented themselves in little ways that looking backward now seem like pretty humongous red flags!

When my husband took me to his 10 year school reunion (were were barely dating at this time), he got so drunk and started to treat me like sh!t. His two friends had to step in and "calm me down." 

I walked out of there and called my mom to come pick me up. I was so terribly angry. While I am holding the phone H grabs it and tells my mom I am being mean to him. Then when I get back on the phone my mother (a stand by your man woman) tells me it is my duty to make sure he gets home okay. If he drinks and drives while drunk and injures someone, IT WILL BE MY FAULT. Hence, my new wonderful life of enabling began. I should have run for the hills, but I was 18 and took her advice seriously. 

If you could go back to that first red flag, would you have married the person you are married to today?

I look forward to hearing your ignored red flags stories!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, not with this relationship, but with my ex. We got pregnant very quickly in our dating and the first thing he said was, "Well, I'm not going to help you financially."

Then he moved an hour away when I was 3 months pregnant.

And then he betched about having to come visit the baby once a week when she was born (i was living with my mom) for the first year.

Then he asked me to move in with him so he didn't have to deal with my mom (SHE saw what an ass he was and didn't hide it). he didn't want ME, he wanted his daughter to be with him.

Had I known THEN what I know NOW about myself and life, i would have just been done with him the moment he was so cold about me saying i was pregnant. I ended up doing it all on my own anyway, so I could have just written him out completely instead of going through ALLLL the drama those few years (He ended up being a good dad for about 7 years, then dropped the ball BIG TIME 2 years ago). Oh well, his loss.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Having said that, I should have broken up with him after date two when he saw I was smoking (I had always smoked around him when we were just friends for that whole year before!) and he said, "Put that out, I don't date smokers. " :wtf:

And when he started telling me when to be quiet when out with friends..."you're embarrassing yourself, stop talking."

Or when he'd tell me that my views about life and the world are why the world is so effed up.

Or when he said I was no good at my art....looking back, he was just intimidated!!

Or during our dating when he'd play games with control of sex. When I'd want it, he'd deny me. When I didn't want it (because I was sick or whatever) he'd get angry and guilt me into it. One time I wanted it sooo badly, and he said "No, we can't...we have no condoms..." so fine...as he left, he pulled a condom out of his pocket and siad, "Oooh what's this!" and smiled and walked out of my apartment. What a douche. Seriously!! :lol:

This was all before baby. He broke me down quickly and for some reason, I was just a naive 22 year old looking for something?! I don't even know. Two days before I found out I was pregnant, I was telling my mom that he was not the guy for me, and we'd probably stop seeing each other soon :rofl: Life had other plans. But, I should have just held my head high and told him to eff off.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

For my ex it was when the woman that he had to help the week before with 'car problems' showed up at the place where we were on vacation with my parents (6+ hours from our house) and he disappeared and we all went searching for him and couldn't find him. 

Another red flag, if you can call it that, is when he told me that he had been messing around with a man that he worked with, and his wife and daughter. Apparently, they were having orgies and invited the whole family. 

The HUGE red flag should have been when his ex girl friend called me up a few days before the wedding and told me that my ex wasn't really wanting a wife, he was wanting a replacement for his mother. She was right.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

anony2 said:


> For my ex it was when the woman that he had to help the week before with 'car problems' showed up at the place where we were on vacation with my parents (6+ hours from our house) and he disappeared and we all went searching for him and couldn't find him.
> 
> *Another red flag, if you can call it that, is when he told me that he had been messing around with a man that he worked with, and his wife and daughter. Apparently, they were having orgies and invited the whole family. *
> 
> The HUGE red flag should have been when his ex girl friend called me up a few days before the wedding and told me that my ex wasn't really wanting a wife, he was wanting a replacement for his mother. She was right.


Um......:scratchhead: That ain't a red flag! That's a stick of TNT with a pound of CRAZY stuck to a search light saying RUN RUN RUN!


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Um......:scratchhead: That ain't a red flag! That's a stick of TNT with a pound of CRAZY stuck to a search light saying RUN RUN RUN!


Yes, it sure was, especially when he told me that he was in love with the wife, unbeknownst to the husband.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Yup that_girl, that is exactly what I am talking about. Think of how our lives might be had we listened to our guts or people who cared about us.

Be we were young, these were our knights in white on big black horses coming to take us to his castle to live (God I hate the phrase I am about to say), HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

I blame Mother Goose and Disney, to name a few. Our mothers were simply reading us a bedtime story but alas, those books were evil and we were brainwashed! 

Here is the updated to 2012 ending of the famous Cinderella:

So the prince find a glass slipper and goes door to door to find his lady love because she had such nice bazumbas, he just had to get in her pants. He wants to be the first to pop that cherry and then will lose interest.

Cinderella, on the other hand, has to deal with her step-family and is concocting a way to murder them and not end up on America's Most Wanted. 

In the end, she kills her step family and turns them into hog feed. Next when Prince Charming tries with all his might to seduce her she says, "just because you are a prince doesn't mean I have to spread my legs for you jerkoff) She lures him into the basement and hangs him by his feet till he starves the death. That year at harvest, THE HOGS LIVED WITH FULL BELLIES AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh yes! My best gf and I had a fun night of drunkeness and we wanted to sue Disney for putting such stupid notions in our heads :rofl: Happily Ever After takes WORK!! which is why they don't show the 'after' in any of those movies. You aren't such a princess when you're picking up dirty socks, smelling weird stains, dealing with another person's well-being, and scraping peanut butter out of your hair (from a kid with sticky fingers).

When I let go of "perfection" and societal pressures, and tryin to fit everything into this silly idea I had of life and love, I found real love. Funny how that works.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But I'll tell you one damn thing. THAT relationship was my catalyst to change. It showed me what i DO NOT WANT. It made me force myself to never settle. It made me so much better at taking care of MYSELF and not being co-dependent.

It took me a long while to get mentally and emotionally healthy after that mess. I did fall in love before I left him, with a good friend of ours, and I don't regret it. I left my ex and never looked back. He didn't even care, except for the ego bruise. But THAT next relationship (as turbulent as it was) showed me that i am worthy and capable of love.

I was single for 7 years and when I met my husband, i was ready...because I knew what I wanted, and didn't want.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> Everyone is here for a reason. We are unhappy with something or many things in our marriages. They say hind sight is 20/20 and I so believe that.
> 
> My question to you lot is: Think back to when you first met and started dating your spouse. Think about after the wedding, the years with children, etc.
> 
> ...


(sigh) Yes... I ignored a bunch.

My husband told me one time long ago, when we had only been dating a few months, "My life comes first." 

We also had a disturbing conversation about how all people are selfish, and how even when people do good things for others, it is for their own selfish reasons (according to him) and that they only do good for others because of something they want or because it makes them feel good about themselves, and how selfish that is and it's just human nature...

I also asked him a theoretical question one time, soon after we moved in together, if he had a choice between his computer or me, which one he would choose...and he said the computer, because everything he has in life he got through that computer including me. (he has serious computer addiction problems...) I asked him this because I literally walked in front of him naked and provocative while he was on the computer and he didn't even move. He just looked up and grinned and stayed right on there. Talk about feeling low! I never did that again. 

Plus I kind of ignored the pig-sty quality of his living quarters. When you have overflowing ash-trays and mountain-dew bottles filled with piss cuz he's too dang lazy to get up and go to the bathroom!! I broke him of the piss filled mountain dew bottles at least....

How's that? Are those red flags?


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

omg, DayDream, yeah - I'd say so! 

Although the red flags in my marriage weren't much better. I had a child from a previous relationship and my fiance (at the time) could have been better to her. I remember us all going to a park and my daughter, who was only 16-17 months old, was climbing up the stairs to go down a slide. Well my fiance went underneath the slide and started shaking it which scared my daughter. I made him stop and he did but that wasn't the last time he did stuff like this. He would tickle her to the point where she would begin to panic. I yelled at him to stop and after he did, he was all pissed off at me and then was mean to her. Why did I put up with that crap?! I feel so much anger at myself for putting up with that and not telling him "if you don't stop torturing my daughter, I'm out of here". He had a cruel streak he took it out on both of us. Mostly it was verbal and mental but there were times, like the tickling, that it would get physical.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tickling like that, to me, is a weird perversion. I don't like it.

With an ex-fiance, I listened to a red flag. He was a HOARDER! And once I realized that, I did bow out. Omg. It was like that show. No wonder he always had excuses why I couldn't come in...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

DayDream said:


> When you have overflowing ash-trays and mountain-dew bottles filled with piss cuz he's too dang lazy to get up and go to the bathroom!!


:wtf: I would not, could not do that dew.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I've seen a lot of red flags with people, but one particular person sticks in my mind more than all the others combined...

First month of dating, New Year's Eve: He says to my best friend, two hours after meeting her, "Show me your tits!" When I said I thought that it was disrespectful, he claimed he was joking, that I was taking it too seriously, etc. 

As I was driving, maybe during our second month of dating, it had started to rain lightly. He argued with me over the speed I chose for my wipers. (Talk about control issues!) 

These were the only red flags I saw and ignored. Everyone else kept saying we were perfect for each other. After about 5-6 months, I had to move, and decided to relocate to his city for a variety of reasons. I stayed with him and planned to get my own place. BANG! Jekyll became Hyde. 

He started pressuring me to marry him. I told him I wouldn't marry him without a prenup because I had considerable funds and he had none. He got hostile over it. He finally agreed, but changed tactics and expected me to sign over 100% of my pay into a joint account that would require his signature for me to access my funds. Um, nope! 

He called me a spoiled child because I said I needed to get a bigger place. He had a 900 sq. ft. house, and I'd just moved from a 3,600 sq. ft. house. All of my clothing and furniture were in a trailer parked in his backyard. He said I was unappreciative and ungrateful about staying with him (despite the fact that I paid 50% of his house payment and bills even though I couldn't actually bring anything of mine into the house!) 

We both did the same kind of work, so I had a job before I relocated at the same office as him. I had no idea that he'd been the subject of several sexual harassment complaints, and didn't find out until a few months later, after we'd broken up, when someone finally broke the silence to explain why NOBODY in the office would really talk to me. 

Thank heavens I didn't marry him. I think I'd be locked in a cage in the cellar by now.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Tickling like that, to me, is a weird perversion. I don't like it.
> 
> With an ex-fiance, I listened to a red flag. He was a HOARDER! And once I realized that, I did bow out. Omg. It was like that show. No wonder he always had excuses why I couldn't come in...


Good for you. That's no way to live and a person who hoards does have some deep psychological issues.

I agree that the tickling is bad. It was like some show of power or control and I hated him doing that. He did it to me also but I'm an adult and had a choice in the relationship. Eventually he stopped after I blew up at him. He did other things after that (which led to the end of our relationship) but as far as red flags, I think this was a big one that I ignored/didn't realize how bad it was.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

oh god yes - and if I type them out I'm going to feel like a right d*ck but anyway:

we'd been going out a couple of months and was having trouble paying his rent so I got out my first ever bank loan to bail him out

my daughter (2) had an accident and was trying to clean it up (unsuccessfully) and he shouted at her like you would a much older child, as if she'd done it on purpose

whenever we went on holiday he would always have at least ONE day where he got angry about something and would ruin the day

we used to travel up on the train to work every day and he would have a row with someone nearly every day

he changed jobs every year - 18 months, always loved it at first but something happened (someone else's fault of course) and he would start hating it and leave. And he wonders why he's 41 with no earning capacity

I just ignored his anger as it was rarely directed at me or D, but I shouldn't have, and I shouldn't have ignored the money thing either. But I did - hey ho! The scales have fallen from my eyes now that's for damn sure


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Well I think H has always lied but i do remember 'knowing' he was lying to me over stupid little things from very early on. He would lie about how much something cost (small amounts) or where he had been while out (never anywhere inappropriate) so because it was such small stupid stuff I obviously decided to put up with it.. The flags kept waving at me over the years though.... 

Of course now i realise if lying over such unimportant stuff comes easily lying over big stuff is even easier.

If he didn't lie i give him a A+ as a hubby... he's kind and funny and treats me and the kids better than I could ask for but the lying sure sucks the joy out of that.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He tried to jump out of the car when I said I wouldn't move to his city 1200 miles away yet (we'd been dating 3 weeks).

He said, "Well, at least they have money," when his friends' child almost died of an asthma attack. 

He lied about a mutual friend having an affair and let me believe it for years and years. 

He constantly complained that everyone else had it easier and better than him.

He started to plan a trip to Hawaii for himself, to be gone the same time our first baby was due. 

But most upsetting was what he DIDN'T do--he'd agree to do things (esp. things around the house), and he simply would not do them. He knew he could outwait me and I'd clean it, so he wouldn't have to. He wouldn't add anything to our sex life, claiming "why change it if it's working?" when I clearly explained to him that it wasn't working for me. Heck, if I said I liked what he was doing, he'd stop doing it. 

Oh, my anger is swelling up--I just don't think of this stuff anymore, and now that I do--arrrggh. Time to stop thinking about it!


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

I was 18 and he was 19 when we started dating... Red flags I wish I'd paid attention to:

- He convinced me that my friends from highschool weren't good for me, and made me cease contact with them.

- He lied to me about going to a strip club while he was away for a college function. I only found out about it because he thought I was asleep and was talking to our roomie about it.

- My grandmother was in the hospital due to a stroke, my mom called me to tell me that she had had another stronger/more serious stroke. I sat on the couch crying, knowing that my grandmother likely wasn't going to survive this. He got all pissed and said, "Are you going to watch this movie, or sit there and effing cry?!?!"

- I was at his parents house when my grandmother did pass away. He drove me back to my apartment so I could get my car, but refused to make the hour drive to my grandparents house with me. He didn't attend any of the memorial services.

- He accused me of cheating on him because I went out to dinner with my bestfriend from highschool shortly after my grandmother passed away. He said I was lying about who I was with and threw me out. Looking back, I should have just stayed gone.

This was all within the first 2 years of us dating, yet we were together another 3.5 years before we actually got married. Why didn't I see then what I see now????????


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Not long after we got married, I found a hidden grocery bag full of empty prescription pill bottles once - all for the same thing - 180 tabs of Tramadol per bottle.

He said they were being prescribed to him and I believed him!!

When he went through two weeks of withdrawals, (they were so bad I stayed up at nights because he'd have convulsions in his sleep and they scared the sh!t outta me), he finally confessed that he was ordering them from an online pharmacy, and has never even met the "doctor" who is "prescribing" them!!!

I should have ended it right then and there, (in fact, I "tried") but since he got teary-eyed and was really vulnerable, opening up about how he was addicted and wanted to quit for good, etc. I felt sorry for him and felt that I should stand by him and help him. Big mistake. Now he resents me every day for trying to "control" him. Even though I did tell him I would support him if he went to a REAL doctor and was medicated appropriately and being monitored by a professional. He declined.

I fell for that stupid sh!t and I'm still dealing with him getting pills, hiding my own prescription pills, and even stealing pills from patients at the hospital where he works. 

It makes me sick to my stomach to think I'm married to someone like that!!

As far as the verbal abuse... Only one time did he show a hint of it towards me in the years before I married him.

We were getting ready to go out one night and I put on a pair of hot pink spandex capri-type leggings and a nice top.

He then tried to make comments about my weight, (and I was 120 then and in great shape)! He finally convinced me that I was just dressing like that to get attention... (What did he say? I was "looking for a (racist slur here) gang-bang").

So I ended up changing before we went out and feeling like an ugly beast instead of the beautiful thin person I was.

What a waste. :banghead:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

And I do wish that I had ended it then. I only feel ashamed for saying that, because if I had, I would not have had my daughter... :sigh:

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Our wedding night. Huge suite; if I remember right Aerosmith had it the night before. My wife invites her friends and family to an after reception party in our wedding suite. I didn’t with mine and suggested she shouldn’t. Did it anyway. First thing she does is denied me undressing her out of the fancy garb (a fetish I have)... she just came out wearing the sloth cloth (sweats and sweatshirt). I confronted and she told me to ‘get over it’. Later she picks a fight with her sister and they go outside to yell at each other. I went to bed alone and when she returned she whined about her sister... Then she wanted sex. I refused. Seriously, she wrecked the whole night, disrespected me, acted completely selfishly, and I was supposed to be ‘turned on’ by it?

And that’s just how our marriage started..... Just imagine how that sense of entitlement and selfishness just grew over the years....


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> And I do wish that I had ended it then. I only feel ashamed for saying that, because if I had, I would not have had my daughter... :sigh:
> 
> :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup! I 100% agree with this. The kiddos are the only good thing to come out of this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am one to never think that way about kids. YES, I love my children to pieces. They rock! But, had I never known them, I would have had other kids, or not. But...the kids are great now, but I do wish I would have broken up with my ex before I got pregnant. Then I'd just have my daughter a few years later


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, I thought of another one! He wanted me to change my outfit before we went to meet friends, and I wouldn't, so he intentionally drove through a red light. When we had to stop b/c of traffic, I got out and said, "if you ever do that again, I will never get in a car with you again." Fortunately, he knew even then that I do not "threaten." He was more afraid of losing me than I was of losing him, I guess, even then.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Um......:scratchhead: That ain't a red flag! That's a stick of TNT with a pound of CRAZY stuck to a search light saying RUN RUN RUN!












:iagree:


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## unsure&lost (Jul 3, 2012)

I would not be where i am today if i listened to those darn red flags.....and today i am unhappily married....WISH I WOULD OF listened,

Heck i should of listened to the first one.....there are so many. We was dating and coming back from a mini vacation and i seen a really sweet car. Said i so want one of those one day....he replies...you would never be able to handle a car like that....and turned it into this whole crazy dumb story.

Then he used to smoke weed. Shortly after we started dating he decided he was gonna start again because of something his friends said to him. I had a daughter and i didnt want to be with somebody like that. I broke up with him...then started thinking oh you are just running away like you always do. So i went back to him because i thought who will i ever find? Should of never of wen back to him.

Our wedding night sucked...and our honeymoon sucked more.

House hunting sucked also. Was getting really close to getting a home and as i was driving to my parents....i seen fire.....WELL DARN IF THAT ISNT A RED FLAG I DONT KNOW WHAT IS. The house we was looking at...burnt down. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now here i am in a crap marriage, no passion, cant stand to talk with him. Stuck in a mortgage, he now has seizure disorder. Refuses to learn about the condition. He is still mean, to me and my daughter, his parents will never have my back. He does what he wants. Turns tables at every fight. Looks like we will be heading for divorse....

SHOULD OF LISTENED TO THOSE DARN RED FLAGS:scratchhead:


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

She gets an infected molar and has to have it removed. She is out of school for a few days(we were in high school at the time). I, being a nice boyfriend, go to the store, rent her a movie, buy her flowers, Motrin, a bedbuddy(rice filled sack you microwave for moist heat) and ice cream...I go to her house and knock on the door..She answers and yells at me "what are YOU doing here?" 

I tell her I love her and hope she's ok and give her the presents I bought for her..She rips them out of my hand and slams the door in my face.

.....

She goes to maine for vacation and asks me to come up for a day or two..I go up on my day off..spend my last 100 on gas, food, flowers and get ready to leave.. I call her to tell her I'm on my way and leave her cell on incase I get lost..I get up there and get lost..I call her cell...and its turned off...I spend the next hour trying to find the hotel and her...I call her many times..Leave messages and then decide to go home...3 hours later she calls me to ***** me out for ditching her..I'm now 10 minutes from home and stuck in traffic in a convertable with the top stuck down...I have such bad sunburns I just want to get home and swim in aloe...She tells me I don't love her because I didn't just sit there and wait for her to call me..


.....

We go to her parents to tell them we are getting married...The first words out of her dad are "What are you crazy?? There's no hope!"
Her mom just sits there and stares at us.. My wife is crying and saying "I just want what you have!"..her parents HATE each other and the world but won't divorce because its against god's law..

Her mother tells us how much of a POS I am and that we are never going to last..Her dad says there is no divorce in this family(well, soon there will be)..I sit there FUMING!! but for once I keep my mouth shut..She says nothing to defend me or us...

.....

When we go to look for places to have our first wedding(yes...we went through this twice as I was too stupid to see the writing on the wall the first time)...I tell her I want to be involved..She tells me that men don't do anything with the wedding and I shouldn't be involved...not only is it my wedding too, but I'm a banquet chef at this point..so I have alot of experience with wedding planning.. I tell her I want to be there when she goes to check out places..

She goes anyway with her mom and tells me she is not going...I call the wedding coordinator when they are sitting infront of her in the reception hall office..I ask the coordinator to put her on the phone and I tell my wife the wedding is now off..She comes home and tells me that I never loved her and I stole her dead grandfather's locket...She throws our wedding gifts off a two story patio and they break on the pavement..

.....

She gets taken to emergency mental health for trying to cut herself..I call my parents and family and we all go down to be with her...The orderly lets me into her room and she flips out that I told the family...When she gets out she runs to my dad and hugs him...says nothing to me...When we get home, she tells me that she hates me for not keeping my mouth shut..

......

We are on the verge of coming to a good relationship after she left for 6 months..We pay down our debt that she has lied about for years and finally we get to a point where we can save for the things we want(house, sports car..european cruise) and I am using my entire paycheck to pay everything down as fast as possible.. I ask her if we can spend our weekly draw(we get 100 bux each a week to buy whatever we want..the rest goes into savings or pays bills) She tells me that all I want her for is for a body to ****, a ride to work and a paycheck..She slaps me for wanting to pay off our car insurance that she has NOT paid for two months..She'd rather go on vacation on a two state road trip in our only working car that has no insurance...

.......
I get in a car accident that could have ended my life if I was in a lesser car.. A dumb b!tch decided to go the wrong way down a street and turn into three lanes of moving traffic.. she sideswipes me and I go through a dirt mound and land on two parked cars..I hit a steel lightpole and walk away...She slaps me when she hears about it and tells me I should have been killed because I don't appreciate her.

.........

She gets home early from work one day and tells me she resigned.. I asked what happened..She tells me the story and with all the past instances its 100% obvious that she is being harassed.. I ask her why she resigned and not just let them fire her? She yells at me and tells me that I dont love her and she hates me because I'm never on her side..It comes out that she got fired for using her cell phone even though there is no policy on the books about cell use.. Its obvious they are trying to get rid of her.....She yells at me telling me I am a POS that never supports her and that I never loved her...

.....

She claims she loved my body and love sex with me, but I would sit on the same couch as her butt-azz naked and she wouldn't even look...I'd be asleep and she'd have her way with me.. I'd pretend to be asleep because if I was awake she'd stop..She gave me a BJ ONCE...and I loved it...never happened again..she'd start and stop and start and stop and then yell at me telling me she's not stopping..as she was stopping..she say she wanted to do this in bed or that...when it came time..she'd forget what we spoke about...She'd tell me she wanted to have sex outside on our back patio(we lived in the country and not a soul in sight for miles)...She tells me to go outside and wait for her..she's going to the bathroom...30 minutes later I walk back in and she watching TV..she'd yell at me WHERE THE F$CK HAVE YOU BEEN!! 

.......
I had a mental breakdown...and I went to the hospital because I was scaring myself....They lock me up for the night and sedate me..heavily...No one comes to see me...When they reluctantly let me out and give me a cab ride home, she's at home on the couch..she says "I can't beleive they let you out.." And goes back to grey's anatomy...


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Here's a laundry list of red flags from my ex (who I stuck with for 5 years in an LDR...5 wasted years):

-He was always right. Turned every single argument / disagreement around on me. I don't recall any times he said sorry or admitted he was wrong, even when he was.

-Called me crazy and "too sensitive with no sense of humor", even when his stupid friends made immature, racist jokes toward me (I'm Asian, he and his friends were white American)

-Constantly talked badly about his family, and mine.

-I had to pay for everything because he was always too broke and refused to get a full-time job, even after he graduated from college. Still regret doing that.

-Said he didn't believe in marriage and that having kids was "stupid". Barely even wanted to help out at his older brother's wedding and complained the entire night.

-When we went on trips, road trips especially, everything had to go his way. We had to eat what HE wanted to eat, go where HE wanted to go, listen to music that HE wanted to listen to. Did I mention he was a psychology major? Yeah, he used to bully me into doing what he wanted, and I was too stupid to realize otherwise.

-Really. Bad. Temper. Used to scream and yell at me over VIDEO GAMES!! Of course he was too scared to yell at anyone else when they messed up.

-Used to drag me to his friends' houses even when I didn't want to go, when I was visiting him. He refused to go alone and refused NOT to go. He would bully me into hanging out with his friends too, who did nothing but sit in the basement, drink and smoke. And I don't smoke. Oh, of course we would leave whenever HE wanted to leave. If I was tired at 1AM, too bad. We didn't leave until 4AM most of the time because that's when HE got tired.

-Made me feel insecure when he stayed at school until 3AM "studying" with girls from his class. Giving them rides, dropping them off, having lunch / dinner with them frequently after their "study sessions". When I expressed my discomfort, I was crazy and insecure and should "get over it". Either that, or he'd throw a fit and whine about how I don't trust him.

-Whenever I tried to educate him about something (he was into fitness, I was in physical therapy school at the time. About to graduate in a month!), he brushed me off and told me to find him hard scientific proof, or he wouldn't believe me. He got into a 1 hr fight with me over ketchup once because I suggested he go for the low sugar kind, and he flipped out. Don't even ask. But of course, it was okay for him to talk to me in a condescending manner and lecture me about anything and everything he thought I should know about.

-He was a slob. I actually realized this the first time I met him, but paid no attention because I was in lurrrve. When I got to his room in the house he shared with 3 other friends, I couldn't even see the floor. His friends actually kicked him out because he left a mess everywhere he went. When he came to my apartment and stayed for a month, that was the last straw. I'd come home from my internship (which was from 6AM-6PM, including the 1.5 hr commute), find him sleeping in bed, beer bottles everywhere, dirty dishes on the floor, bottle caps and gum wrappers all over my desk, soda cans everywhere. When I asked him to clean it up..."yeah I'll do it later". The day he flew home, nothing was cleaned up. In fact, to keep my own apartment clean, I had to pick up after him while he sat there playing video games or his guitar. When I went to his house, he used to leave trash all over the floor and on his bed, and wouldn't clean it for days, sometimes weeks.

-For my birthday...he ordered Chinese food. Made me place the order, pay for the food, and pick it up. 90% of the time. I think the only time he picked up the food was because I wasn't feeling well.

-No sense of hygiene. Showered maybe 1-2x a week, and that's being generous. He used to spray deoderent (sp?) on all the time and would wear his dirty clothes over and over because he was too lazy to do laundry.

-Told me over and over that he would never marry me and that I wasn't special, that nobody is special and people are stupid for thinking otherwise. Constantly put down people who did better than him, calling them f*gs (which was his insult of choice).

-Bullied me into learning to sing heavy metal songs (which I really dislike), otherwise he would throw a fit, to impress his friends. Okay, maybe not a red flag, but still showcased his controlling nature.

-Was not unheard of for him to ditch talking to me online / ditch our plans to hang out with his friends.

He actually was planning on moving in with me after I was done with school and of course, I work and he *might* think about going back to school, with me helping him pay for it. Yeah, right. Almost fell for it too, luckily I got out just in time and dumped him.

I honestly don't even think that's all of the red flags for my ex. I can also think of a couple for my current boyfriend, but no time to post them now. I suppose that's the reason I could never marry my ex. And probably won't marry my current boyfriend unless he can prove he's worth it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

omggggg That reminded me of my ex's "compromising skills". He'd choose two choices and then let me pick one. My choice was never an option :rofl:

When he moved an hour away while I was pregnant, i was upset that he was leaving. He said, "I'm not leaving, you're just staying."

:wtf: WTF does that even mean?

:rofl: what a douche. I was a fool.

I'm so happy that our daughter is older and I NEVER have to deal with him.


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## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

With my last ex of 2 years, the first red flag was when he said to me after a couple of weeks of dating "I love how men hit on you so much, it makes my head so big I can't walk through doors!". We were coworkers and I was the receptionist. I was flattered at first, but little did I know that I was nothing more than a trophy girl to him. Our entire relationship was centered on the attention from other men. He became obsessed with making other men jealous. I had to be dressed nicely all the time. He would snark at my shoes or purse for being too "cheap" and have me buy designer ones. He would complain if my shoes were dirty and take them to polish. He would say that everything about me was perfect, except my teeth and that I needed braces (I don't have crooked teeth, whenever I tell my current SO that I want to get braces he looks at me like I'm crazy). 

He would scout the room to see if I was the most attractive woman. He would not give me affection if I wasn't dressed to the nines. He loved how all his friends were jealous and would tell me so. He had a screamfest when I was too ill to attend a friend's BBQ. He yelled and cursed at me, even though I was bed ridden. It didn't matter that the other 9 out of 10 times I felt sick, I still cooked for his friends and him, served them snacks, hung out with them, etc. 

Red flag # 2 was the yelling. Very early on in our relationship, he screamed at a client. He would yell at his mother. Eventually he would yell at me. For some reason I didn't think he would. I was quite the naive 23 year old. He would even do it in restaurants, for the most petty reasons.

Red flag #3 was his mommy issues. He'd call his mother every night to say goodnight. At first I thought it was sweet that he loved his mother so much. Until I saw how obsessed the two of them were about each other. His mother would go over to his house, do laundry, clean, iron his shirts. He'd go over to her house for dinner about 3 times a week. She hated that we were together and would always scheme to break us apart, and he'd always take her side. He pretty much wanted me as another mother. 

I ended it after 2 years, though I really don't know why I stayed so long. I don't regret anything though, I would have never met my current SO if it never happened.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

When we went to H's 25th class reunion 6 years ago, I let H go check on another building to "move" the party to, he went with his ex hs gf, which I figured they hadn't been in much contact since they graduated... when we went to leave for the night he called me a "fool"...... I asked him "do what"?? and he repeated "you're a fool"..... come to find out he had an affair with her on his previous wife back in 98-99'... and has been in contact with her since high school until just this last Aug. when I found out he was talking to her....


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i love this site because it's like an interactive diary for everyone! it's great!


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

The biggest red flag I should of picked up on was how he treated his mother. He was so disrespectful of her, and would come out and speak so blunt and hateful to her. '

Whenever he was in the hospital, he would tell her he didn't want her there, because she used to be a nurse and she would ask the nurses and doctors too many questions... 

He would tell me to decide where I wanted to eat, then I would go through the list of restaurants in town, one by one he would dismiss them, until all was left was the "one" he wanted in the first place, So why in the h*ll ask me to begin with?

He was so critical of my past, I opened up to him about my promiscuous past because of my childhood sexual abuse... and he would make hurtful comments about my past making me feel "at fault", and guilty..

He would make me feel "small" and demean me, because I didn't make as much money as him. He would always say that I spent too much money, as he would say "you have went through your check, now you're into mine".... he would give me a budget on how much I could spend when I would go shopping, especially black friday shopping, and I was supposed to call him and tell him how much and who I was buying for. 

If I would ever question how he was spending money, he would get angry and say that he made his own money, that he could do what he wanted with it, and I had no say so about it.

He would have me call him on my way to work, on my breaks, my lunch, on way home, he would call often after I was home.(he would get mad if I didn't) He would call about every hour to 2 hours on my days off... ( he's a truck driver, so gone 5 days a week). But I'm pretty sure this goes back to my past, because he didn't trust me, and the fact that he was getting away with talking to other women, it just puts me in a defense mode so I didn't have time to suspect him.

Me and my kids had to be so grateful to him that he was giving us a better life, so we had to agree with anything he said, and God forbid we ever disagree,, that would cause horrific outbursts....


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

This thread has shocked me to the core!


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

All of your stories of red flags is completely fascinating. Wow, some of you should get a do-over.

When we get married, we have high expectations, and for some reason, we think we can CHANGE OUR SPOUSE to our liking. That never works, yet so many try. I tried for years. He didn't move an inch, in fact, me trying to change him made him dig his heels in just to be stubborn.

Oh, and about the HOW HE TREATS HIS MOTHER thing can go one way or another, which is better? A man who is disrespectful to his mother is just a d!ck. A man who is a mamma's boy is even worse.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Looking back, I see tons of red flags. My W has a number of issues (intro thread in my signature), but I saw none of them. One thing that sticks out, and that I'll never understand...

We started doing the deed a month or so after we started dating (both around 22yo). She was tentative the first time, which didn't really surprise me, but then right after, she cried like a baby. I didn't know what to do...I tried to hold her, and ask her what was wrong. She would say, "Nothing." and would cry harder. I figured okay, it was our first time. Maybe she has strong feelings for me. Maybe she's thinking about her prev bf, b/c they had dated over a year, and I knew she loved him. She supposedly dumped him b/c he had no ambition. Then...same thing happened the next 2-3 times, cried like a baby. At this point, I was beyond confused. I also considered ending our relationship, but figured I was just being an insensitive jerk. Her not being able to tell what was going on really bothered me. She stopped doing that, the s*x got fantastic, and I never brought it up again.

Another big red flag...she kept up her everything-is-wonderful facade, but then I'd hear the deep/dark secrets when she was sloshed. It happened at a few weddings, about 6+ months into our dating. She got really drunk, and when we got to my car, she burst into tears and told me about her dad's suicide when she was a kid. A few months later, same thing, totally sloshed, cried like a baby in my car and told me about the abortion with the prev bf.

The more I think back, the more things like this come to mind. Probably best to not try to think back.


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