# Really!!!!



## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

So… I have a one year old, adorable, baby boy and I’m seven months pregnant with our second child. I work full time and my hubby stays at home with the baby. I’m to the point in my pregnancy where I have a hard time sleeping at night and I’m tired. 

Yesterday when I went home after work, I wanted to take a nap, but my husband greats me with, “there is burger thawing in the microwave and I am going to run some clothes to my brothers house, work on the boat and then go fishing.” 

I was upset, tired and couldn’t help but cry. He ended up cooking dinner. The brother showed up and stood at the door waiting for him to leave. Long story short, he left and I was instantly pissed off. 

Does anyone see my point here? I worked all day and he just sprang these plans on me and could not stick around to help me with the little guy or let me take a short nap. It seems like we both work from 8am – 5pm. I go to work, he works at home with our son. When I get home from work, he clocks out and “wants to do what he wants to do”. He tells me that I’m controlling him. I think if he plans something a few days in advance or does things while I’m at work, there wouldn’t be a problem. My mother will watch our son anytime. 

I asked my mother to watch our son today while I was at work. My husband responded with, “Yeah, you get someone to watch our son while I have nothing planned.” He fired me up with that comment. I called my mother and told her to forget it, but she was in my driveway. My husband says very little to my mother, loads my son up in the van with a case of diapers, bag of wipes and a few outfits like he’s taking him away for good. My mom calls me at work all upset. 

REALLY!!!! HOW CAN I WORK AND DEAL WITH HIM!! I DON’T WORK, WE DON’T PAY BILLS. 

Having children is great, but it is a little more than I thought it would be. 

Does anyone have any stories about the beginning of life with kids that might help me out here. This little girl will be here in two months and I don’t know how we are going to do this together if we can’t work things out now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe your husband feels inadequate for not working. Most men pride themselves for providing for their family, not staying home with the kids.

Do you think he resents you for being the bread winner? 

Taking care of kids all day is a freakin nightmare ...I can see why he wants to go do what he wants, even though it's not responsible to do so. At least wait until after dinner and the little one is in bed.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

He was working until our son arrived. We both thought that it would be the perfect idea to have him stay at home and he was all on board because he was having issues at work. 

I've mentioned him going back to work, but he says that he does not want someone else raising our child. That was the original discussion that lead to him staying home. 

I've told him that I would stay home and he can go to work. Or we can have our parents watch our children and we both can work. His mother said that she would stop working her part time job and take care of our son because it would pay the same. 

He has been doing side jobs and he enjoys that, but his big thing is doing "what he wants to do" and that is usually fishing. I liked him more when he was working. He had more pride and he was tired when he came home so he wanted to be home and spend time with me. I would not have any issues with him leaving after dinner and when our baby was in bed. Our little one is asleep by 8:30pm and I wouldn't care if he left at 8:00pm.. That's fine, but I don't like him running out the door when I get off work. 

We've had this conversation. I've told him I didn't care if he left later in the evening, but that just means that "I'm trying to control him". My brother is the single, no kids, man and he's been spending a lot of time with my husband. I'm sure my brother is influencing my husband to think that I'm a controlling b**ch. (I use those words because I can hear the conversation now.)


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

When we chose to have my husband stay home, I had this great picture in my head of the house staying clean and being able to come home to dinner and a happy family. My picture even included nights where we took the little guy to the beach and played and laughed. (Similar to a hallmark commercial.) 

Maybe I should blame hallmark for putting these fake illusions in my head. This is kinda like the Brady Bunch VS the Adams Family.. LOL


I wonder what my husbands picture in his head was? (Empty.. lol)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mrs.rmiller said:


> When we chose to have my husband stay home, I had this great picture in my head of the house staying clean and being able to come home to dinner and a happy family. My picture even included nights where we took the little guy to the beach and played and laughed. (Similar to a hallmark commercial.)
> 
> Maybe I should blame hallmark for putting these fake illusions in my head. This is kinda like the Brady Bunch VS the Adams Family.. LOL
> 
> ...


Did you tell him your dream?

He sounds like many stay-at-home-moms I know. When the hubs gets home, they are done. D.O.N.E. You do what to do what you want to do because you haven't even had a conversation beyond baby babble. 

lol I have been there. i could never be a full-time SAHM.

Try talking to him again. Do you respect him? I am not so sure I would feel attracted to my husband if he stayed home. I like that he goes out into the world and kicks butt at work for our family.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

I do love him. I do respect him most of the time. Lately, I've been so irritated with him and my moods go back and forth. One minute I want to choke him, the next I want to hug him. He loves his little boy and gives him so much attention. I love the way he talks to our son and looks at our son. That melts my heart. 

I do miss having romance instead of just sex once in awhile. I want to feel like he wants to love me and be with me. Him showing romance and love in a more tender way would make me more attracted to him. 

I went to his mothers house after he packed up the baby and left my mother at our house. He showed up and he looked really depressed. It kind of broke my heart, but I don't know how to make us both happy and my emotions are all over the place right now. When we get into a fight he grabs onto our baby because he does not want me to take him away from him. He loves that little boy so much. I would never take our son from him. That would hurt our son and me in return. 

I'm going to talk to him more tonight. I was surprised when I spoke with his mother. I thought she would have been upset with me and on his side, but she wasn't. She understood me and she understands him. We just need to do this together instead of tearing each other apart. 

This little girl is going to be here in two months and then I'm done having babies. Some people make it look so easy.. lol...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. My guess is he is questioning his manhood.

You have the traditional "male" role and maybe he doesn't like that EVEN THOUGH he loves your son


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Hire a nanny and tell his lazy ass to get a job. A man needs to work to feel like a man and to be an example to his children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Hire a nanny and tell his lazy ass to get a job. A man needs to work to feel like a man and to be an example to his children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree. The problem is he is playing the role of the woman, and you are playing the role of the man. This is not a recipe for success in marriage.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

How do both parents of babies work? I can not send my children to daycare before they start talking because I will not know if something happens. I wouldn’t know with a nanny either. I used to work in a daycare and I don’t trust everyone that has daycares. I know to much about the “behind the scene” action. 

My husband went out and probably found a job yesterday, but how do we make this work with a one year old and a newborn that will be here in October? He will not be able to take leave when this baby arrives because he will not be at the job long enough. I have to have a c-section so I will not be able to lift anything heavier then the newborn for six weeks and I will not be able to drive for a few weeks. I will not be able to lift our son to take care of him while my husband is at work. 

It will be good for him to get out of the house to work because he can make some cash and feel good about working. 

My job also requires me to travel and stay overnight once a month. How is this going to work when we have a new baby and he is working? 

What if I do stop working to care for the children, he takes the job and he they can him after a few months. This economy is not the best and jobs are not that secure. My job is secure. This job he might take is driving a dump truck. If that happens, neither of us will have income and we'll loose our home and everything.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

Life was easier when I was in high school and living at home with Mom.. What was I thinking when I wanted to move out. Lol.. If I could just go back nine years, I would stay home and let mom make all the hard decisions.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

mrs.rmiller said:


> How do both parents of babies work? I can not send my children to daycare before they start talking because I will not know if something happens. I wouldn’t know with a nanny either. I used to work in a daycare and I don’t trust everyone that has daycares. I know to much about the “behind the scene” action.
> 
> My husband went out and probably found a job yesterday, but how do we make this work with a one year old and a newborn that will be here in October? He will not be able to take leave when this baby arrives because he will not be at the job long enough. I have to have a c-section so I will not be able to lift anything heavier then the newborn for six weeks and I will not be able to drive for a few weeks. I will not be able to lift our son to take care of him while my husband is at work.
> 
> ...


Well, realistically, lots of families have both parents working once parental leave has ended. You can find a daycare near your work and drop in during lunch. Doing tons of research both with regulatory agencies, your own visits to the center and the "mommy network" goes a long way. Your husband could work part time for a while so that they're only in day care half-days or a couple of days a week.

You'll use your maternity leave when the new baby comes and it sounds like your mom is close enough to help you out if your husband is at work and she could probably help out with that one night a month as well. You can also try arranging for someone to come in once or twice a day to help with larger tasks (I think there's a site called care.com that's kind of like a craigslist for caregivers--I've used it to find dog walkers and sitters) and then re-arrange things to "pinch-hit" for the other parts of the day. Have meals at the play table instead of the high chair so you don't have to lift him up and down. If there's diapers, do changes on the floor, etc. It's not forever and he would probably even think it's fun.

Things usually work out if you spend a little time thinking about what you NEED to do (instead of WANT) and what you CAN actually accomplish for those needs. And it usually works out pretty well, actually....


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Just because your child can't speak doesn't mean you wouldn't know if something happened. You would look for marks during nightly baths and diaper changers, watch your child for signs of not wanting to be at daycare(hysterical crying, clinging to you, cringing back from a particular person {they will do this initially since it's new, but it should go away}). 

As working parents, you do what you have to do to make it work. Sometimes you wing it until you figure it out. If he can't be off work, enlist family and friends to help you out at home after the baby comes.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

My husband is a SAHD too, and he always did the same when the girls were very young. It pissed me off as well, not only because he left me with all the evening work, but also because I wanted him to spend time with me. As the girls got older (and easier to deal with) it bothered me less, but I hear you and I'm sorry. I think fair warning is fair.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok, let's start with the basics.
When your husband greets you with, “there is burger thawing in the microwave and I am going to run some clothes to my brothers house, work on the boat and then go fishing.” Now... He knows you would appreciate some warning. He knows you would prefer he does not go out with his brother. He knows he is not being considerate of your needs. So, why would he not be considerate of your needs? It is because he is resentful that he is stuck home taking care of the baby while you are out working all day.

Now, you have alot of "constraints" that need to be sorted out.  Here are your "constraints"
-- Your family needs income to live today and in the future
-- You don't want to put your kid in daycare
-- You want your husband to treat you better
-- You want to be the one working since your job is more secure
-- Your husband can't get a good job.

And, overall you want more happiness in your marriage

Now, sometimes you have so many constraints that it becomes impossible to attain happiness in the marriage. And in your brief set of posts I really see that. You've boxed yourself in. What I would do is put "Happiness in your marriage" at the TOP of the list, and work backwards from there. And work with your husband to construct a situation that provides everyone the most possible happiness (not everyone can be 100% happy at all times).

Now, for a man, rising to the occasion and providing for his family provides a great source of satisfaction and fulfillment. Likewise for a woman, being a wonderful mother to her children is tremendously fulfilling. When the roles are reversed, it is more of a "duty" or a "responsibility" rather than a source of fulfillment and happiness. In other words, are you truly fulfilled by being the provider for your family...I may be reading into you posts but it seems like you are doing it mainly because your job is better paying / more secure. Your husband may not rise to the occasion if he has your income to eliminate that motivational drive he needs.

What I would recommend is rather than asking him if he will work would be to tell him something like this:

Dear, I don't think being a SAHD is the right thing for you or for us. I really think you should take this job, and if it doesn't come through get another one lined up. We'd pay your mom to watch the baby. After the new baby comes we evaluate whether I go back to work full time, part time, or not at all.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

mrs.rmiller said:


> He has been doing side jobs and he enjoys that, but his big thing is doing "what he wants to do" and that is usually fishing. I liked him more when he was working. He had more pride and he was tired when he came home so he wanted to be home and spend time with me. I would not have any issues with him leaving after dinner and when our baby was in bed. Our little one is asleep by 8:30pm and I wouldn't care if he left at 8:00pm.. That's fine, but I don't like him running out the door when I get off work.
> 
> .)


Yep, mine too. In my world, it is about respect, not about controlling someone. If you 'want to do what you want to do', then I guess you shouldn't have married and have children right?? Just this morning I was thinking the same thing, that my husband has like just withered after all the years of being home... he used to at least be thoughtful and nice to me, but not anymore.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Both grandmas are willing to help out, take them up on their offer. He goes back to work, and you have someone you can trust with the children - grandma.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> My husband is a SAHD too, and he always did the same when the girls were very young. It pissed me off as well, not only because he left me with all the evening work, but also because I wanted him to spend time with me. As the girls got older (and easier to deal with) it bothered me less, but I hear you and I'm sorry. I think fair warning is fair.


No offense, but when I was a SAHM for 4 years with my first daughter, the last thing I wanted to do after having a little person up my butt all day was give even MORE time to her dad when he got home. Selfish, probably, but staying home all day with kids really sucks sometimes. lol. At least for me it did.


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

My husband has been getting out of the house every night at about 8:00pm and staying out until about 11:30pm. He’s been singing Karaoke with my brother, fishing and just hanging out. His mood is up and he seems happy. I’m happy because I can go to bed at 8:00pm.. lol.. (Yeah, I don’t sleep through the night anymore.) 

He still has an opportunity to take a job. He should here from the company on Monday. My step brother works for the same company. I’m still unsure as to how this is going to work when I have this other baby. 

My mom, his mom and my sister will be able to watch the children when we both are working, but my sister is going to temp for me while I’m on maternity leave so she is not able to help when the baby gets here and I’m home. I wouldn’t need help if I didn’t have to have a c-section. My mom does not wake up until after 10:00-11:00am so she wouldn’t really be willing to show up at 6:00am for baby time. His mom is great, but she has her life and I’m not sure she would be willing to help more than once a week. (Not to mention she smokes pot and I have mixed feelings about that. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a good person and does a great job, but I don’t know how you can be stoned and take care of children for an extended period of time. A little while here and there is fine, but an actual commitment is another thing. No! She does not smoke it around my child. She is well aware of my feelings on the issue.) 

Unfortunately, I have to have a c-section to deliver this baby. I had a c-section with my last so I know how it goes. It wasn’t completely horrible, but I am not able to lift anything heavier than the little baby for a few weeks. I take pain pills and I cannot drive for two weeks. Last time, my husband had to help me get dressed and put on my shoes. I’ve thought about ways to not lift our son during this time, but that is impossible. The little guy is a year old and I would need to lift him out of his crib, pick him up when he wasn’t happy or pick him up when he climbing on furniture and giving mommy a heart attack. If I do things on the floor like changing him or feeding him, I would not be able to get up off the floor. Last time I had a c-section, I needed a hand just to get out of a chair or out of the car. After my last c-section, I had to sleep in a recliner chair because it hurt and was too hard to get out of bed. I couldn’t lay flat for about two weeks. 

I have more thoughts, but my little man just woke up from a nap and wants Mommy’s attention. Not sure what the best option is right now.


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