# Am I being selfish?



## hightower99 (Mar 17, 2017)

Am I being selfish or is there something wrong with this picture. Is it normal for sex to last only five or ten minutes with no foreplay or intimacy of any kind? And after the climax, immediately run to the shower to cleanup and then spend the rest of the evening watching youtube or texting friends and family instead of spending time with your partner? Maybe I’m wrong, but I thought sex was about making an emotional connection with your partner and spending quality time together before and after sex. I feel like I’m providing a service devoid of any emotional connection and the act is becoming unenjoyable. I almost feel like I’m being rejected on some level. Am I being petty and immature or is there some validity to my feelings?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not how it should be but sadly often how it is.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm pretty sure that you recognize this as the rhetorical question that it is.

If there is such a thing as "normal", most people would not consider this to be it. But it is also not abnormal in the pathological sense - just a bit unusual and not to your liking. 

Do you need an independent vote from us in your quiver before having a hard conversation with your mate about your mismatched sexual styles?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Who cares if it's "normal"? If it's not working for you, then you shouldn't be putting up with it. Have a talk with your partner about your expectations and what you feel is missing. If he's not willing to make the changes you need, then it's possible that you two are simply sexually incompatible and would be happier with different partners with whom you would both be more well-matched.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Normal for her with you. What are you going to do about it?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

hightower99 said:


> Am I being selfish or is there something wrong with this picture. Is it normal for sex to last only five or ten minutes with no foreplay or intimacy of any kind? And after the climax, immediately run to the shower to cleanup and then spend the rest of the evening watching youtube or texting friends and family instead of spending time with your partner? Maybe I’m wrong, but I thought sex was about making an emotional connection with your partner and spending quality time together before and after sex. I feel like I’m providing a service devoid of any emotional connection and the act is becoming unenjoyable. I almost feel like I’m being rejected on some level. Am I being petty and immature or is there some validity to my feelings?


You don’t make it clear in your post but I assume you are the female partner in this relationship.
And sex should last longer than five or ten minutes.A lot longer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hightower99 said:


> Am I being selfish or is there something wrong with this picture. Is it normal for sex to last only five or ten minutes with no foreplay or intimacy of any kind? And after the climax, immediately run to the shower to cleanup and then spend the rest of the evening watching youtube or texting friends and family instead of spending time with your partner? Maybe I’m wrong, but I thought sex was about making an emotional connection with your partner and spending quality time together before and after sex. I feel like I’m providing a service devoid of any emotional connection and the act is becoming unenjoyable. I almost feel like I’m being rejected on some level. Am I being petty and immature or is there some validity to my feelings?


I'm assuming that you are a woman. Are you?

Good sex does not always last five or ten minutes all the time. Sure sometimes quickies can be good. But most of the time it needs to be an experience that both get satisfaction and loving from.

If what you describe is what your sexlife is always like, the yea, that's not good. Why on earth would you even want to participate in exclusively that kind of sex? He's selfish. And I would agree that he's just using you to get his rocks off.

Here's a book you might want to consider giving him for Christmas: https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss_2?url=search-alias=aps&field-keywords=she+comes+first

How is the rest of your relationship? Is he as cold there as well?


.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I believe OP is a male as per other posts.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I don't think it matters if the OP is male, female, trans, etc. 

A loving sexual relationship is about both partners committing to the other to give and receive pleasure and love. This is the glue that keeps a marriage together in good times and in bad.

The OP isn't having their emotional needs met that means their significant other is either a lazy lover, an uncaring lover, an oblivious lover, or one that doesn't value the OP's happiness in the relationship.

Past time for a serious talk. Maybe time for serious marriage counseling.

Good luck OP.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What you need to do is to talk to your partner about this if you are unhappy.


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## hightower99 (Mar 17, 2017)

Thanks all. I am the male spouse. And yes, I have tried talking about this along with other issues with my wife on many occasions. After reading numerous post on this site and others, I realize that for many couples it is possible to engage in productive dialogue that leads to meaningful change. Oh how I wish that was true for us. 
In my situation there’s no willingness to even acknowledge that a problem exists. And if I continue talking about how I feel or desire in a spouse, I will be eventually told “I don’t know what to do anymore”; thus, ending the conversation.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

hightower99 said:


> Thanks all. I am the male spouse. And yes, I have tried talking about this along with other issues with my wife on many occasions. After reading numerous post on this site and others, I realize that for many couples it is possible to engage in productive dialogue that leads to meaningful change. Oh how I wish that was true for us.
> 
> In my situation there’s no willingness to even acknowledge that a problem exists. And if I continue talking about how I feel or desire in a spouse, I will be eventually told “I don’t know what to do anymore”; thus, ending the conversation.




What are the other issues? Those might explain this issue.
I have to say it’s something that im more used to reading about the other way around (a guy not giving a **** and just getting over with, with a quickie).


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Also does she initiate or do you initiate and then she just wants you to get it over with? Or do you think she actually enjoys those quickies?
It’s important. There are a lot of guys who dream that their wife would use them purely for their sexual pleasure (ok, I admit, I’m one of them). And then there are wives who starfish their husbands thinking they are fulfilling their obligations. (There are also many others, in between).


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It sounds like you are getting duty sex only - do the bare minimum and be done with it. Are you experiencing "starfish sex"? Is she restricting you to only 1 position? I assume intimate touch, kissing and oral is not happening since you indicate no foreplay. Unfortunately, she may not be attracted to you. If you go with that assumption - for now - can you think of things that you do or say that could be a turnoff to her? In the looks department, could you improve yourself (diet, exercise, better fashion)?

Also, based on your OP, I get a passive/aggressive vibe from you. Could people you know legitimately tag you as having a tendency to be passive/aggressive? That would be a huge turnoff. Could people call you a "nice guy" that would give the shirt off your back?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

hightower99 said:


> Thanks all. I am the male spouse. And yes, I have tried talking about this along with other issues with my wife on many occasions. After reading numerous post on this site and others, I realize that for many couples it is possible to engage in productive dialogue that leads to meaningful change. *Oh how I wish that was true for us*.
> In my situation* there’s no willingness to even acknowledge that a problem exists.* And if I continue talking about how I feel or desire in a spouse, I will be eventually told “I don’t know what to do anymore”; thus, ending the conversation.


You might want to schedule marriage counseling sessions with a board certified sex therapist.


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