# why would you talk her into cheating?



## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

So question. If a women friend kissed a man friend of hers cause she was angry with her husband whom she knew was cheating. Then the man she kissed thought to kiss her again a few months later what would you think that means?

So when the man friends and the women were at a part alone he was asking her about the first kiss she made it clear it was not about feelings. And that she didn't want to kiss him again. But he talked her into kissing him again said he needed to figure out his marriage. and that how do you know its not feelings maybe they should kiss and see. And was doing all he could to get her talked into kissing again. even though he knew she didn't want to. He had to pound a lot of booze just to get the courage to do it. Then after they kissed he decided to call her a few days later and apologized. Said that he loved his wife and that he was figuring out his marriage. That please don't tell the wife cause he doesn't want to lose her. 

Do men cheat with opportunity? Is this what this was? was he lost cause his marriage was so bad and he knew this friend would kiss him and he wanted to see if he was capable of this? Attention? and ego boost? I just don't understand? If you really liked someone and they made it clear they didn't feel the same why push? I mean I know as a female I wouldn't it would hurt. Was it being young and just well unsure about marriage... I mean do people cheat to see if they can?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Don't you have a few other threads with this same dilemma?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Yes, I am making sense of it a little.. But I wonder if people see what I see.. Or if I should let it all die.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP,

Kindly, if general good advice was that you should let this go, and you move forward being the type of great partner you want to be, would you?

I took the time to reread your other threads and maybe it's best for you, to let this be in the past. 

Try and move forward without all the unnecessary negative feelings associated with his, and yours, earlier actions. 

Try it for six months?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> OP,
> 
> Kindly, if general good advice was that you should let this go, and you move forward being the type of great partner you want to be, would you?
> 
> ...



I know... just not bring it up for the 6 months? He even said he will take a polygraph test.. I think that’s a bit much. I do need to let this all go but how? How do you recover? Maybe I need to go back on meds. I think I just want it all to leave my brain, but I need to accept it never will. I am in a pool and drowning. I need to just accept.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

"Is this what this was? was he lost cause his marriage was so bad and he knew this friend would kiss him and he wanted to see if he was capable of this? "

Not exactly. Bad marriage or not, this cat wants to get into the chicks pants. She kissed him and got his juices flowing. He came back later to see if he could escalate it to second, third, or a home run. He called to apologize because the chick may not have gotten "into" the kiss and he was trying to cover his azz. If the chick would stuck her tongue down his throat and pulled him into an empty room this story would have a different ending.
If the married chick would have kissed me, I'd tried to nail her then and there (in an earlier life)


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> "Is this what this was? was he lost cause his marriage was so bad and he knew this friend would kiss him and he wanted to see if he was capable of this? "
> 
> Not exactly. Bad marriage or not, this cat wants to get into the chicks pants. She kissed him and got his juices flowing. He came back later to see if he could escalate it to second, third, or a home run. He called to apologize because the chick may not have gotten "into" the kiss and he was trying to cover his azz. If the chick would stuck her tongue down his throat and pulled him into an empty room this story would have a different ending.
> If the married chick would have kissed me, I'd tried to nail her then and there (in an earlier life)


Right, so why talk them into it? If he knew out the gate she was like wow no that was a no. Was he using her?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

So if I'm reading this right your husband cheated...you kissed your man-friend in revenge....he liked it and so at a later date had a few drinks and thought he'd try to get some action (kissed you without your consent)? Then when you didn't reciprocate, he got jittery that you'd tell his wife and went into damage control? Is that right?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Right, so why talk them into it? If he knew out the gate she was like wow no that was a no. Was he using her?


I think you are discounting the fact that there was precursory kiss and he was boozed up and probably horny, hoping that kiss was really something and you (or your friend) was DTF. Liquid courage makes people stupid.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> So if I'm reading this right your husband cheated...you kissed your man-friend in revenge....he liked it and so at a later date had a few drinks and thought he'd try to get some action (kissed you without your consent)? Then when you didn't reciprocate, he got jittery that you'd tell his wife and went into damage control? Is that right?


No, our friend kissed my husband and her husband had a love affair with another women. Then after that my husband kissed her. Saying he was seeing about our marriage. Saying “I felt if I was ok with doing that then I couldn’t be with you cause then I wouldn’t care does that make sense so like every time we had a problem or whatever and with all the chaos that was our marriage if I couldn’t I guess respect you it wasn’t going to work and after I felt horrible and felt so bad I ****ed up that respect it wasn’t a smart choice but it was my choice”


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> dontworrybehappy said:
> 
> 
> > Right, so why talk them into it? If he knew out the gate she was like wow no that was a no. Was he using her?
> ...


I mean he is dumb, but not dumb enough to try and screw his best friends wife also my friend. And who in there right mind wants to try with someone who is telling you no?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Men and women are wired differently. I recommend not wasting time trying to truly understand each other.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Why did they divorce....because i have a hunch she was a cheater in the relationship...after all she is cheating on you


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, you leveled the playing field. Now you lost the high ground. So, you can answer your own questions. Something was bothering him and he let his guard down and kissed her. Whatever his personal reasons and feelings, that's what he decided to do. 

You kissed this married man in an effort to make your husband jealous or get revenge or whatever, but they were your personal reasons and you decided to kiss this guy. 


Who knows what reason the guy had for trying to kiss you again? Do you want him? No? Are you sure? Then why so many questions? You want to figure out why your husband did it? He had his reasons and you will never truly understand or know what he was feeling and thinking. He may not know. 

In the end, you wanted to kiss this man. Your husband wanted to kiss this woman. 

Where do you go from here, now that you are both at the same place? What do you want? Divorce? Get one. No divorce? Work on the marriage with your husband. One of you will not work on it? Divorce. No sense in being unhappy. 

Just my humble opinions.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Don’tWorry, 

I remember your other threads.....

I think it is best to repeat what was advised you before....

You had a strip poker/streaking incident that your H isn’t sure he believes you have ever told him the full story on.....

Then he had his stupid kissing incidents with your friend, which he swears he has told you everything about and even offers to take a poly on.....

Then you had an EA where you have told your H a lot of ‘I don’t remember’ about when he asked for details.....

Yet it is you that has a hard time believing you have the full story from him.....

And your H just wants to leave the past in the past and look to your future....

As I said on your last thread......based on what you shared, I truly believe that your H is as frustrated as you about not knowing if he ever got the full truth from you.....but has decided he will never get it from you and has just decided it is best for you both to leave the past in the past.....

If you can’t get past this without more reassurance that you have his full truth.....well, that is understandable, but remember it is a two way street.....

And you will need to come up with more truth yourself.....unbelievable and minimized accounts of strip poker/streaking and a large batch of ‘I don’t remember’ answers about your EA will not cut it for him either.

Can I ask you a question?

Are you so worried that he has not shared the full truth with you BECAUSE you know you are withholding the full truth from him in your indiscretions?

Are you perhaps projecting on to him your own behavior of still keeping facts hidden?

Personally.....I think that YOU are right that the full truth should be divulged between you both in order to truly rebuild the M....lies or secrets won’t cut it to really rebuild a relationship.....your H is mistaken to want to rugsweep both your pasts.

Just remember though......it has to be MUTUAL disclosure of any hidden info.....not just him divulging info to satisfy your continuing struggle.

Good luck.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@Dyokemm has addressed part of the missing info. Beware--don't respond to above post without reading other threads. Her above post is unclear and she wasn't content with past advice. Total info covers a number of years and obsessions.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> So question. If a women friend kissed a man friend of hers cause she was angry with her husband whom she knew was cheating. Then the man she kissed thought to kiss her again a few months later what would you think that means?
> 
> So when the man friends and the women were at a part alone he was asking her about the first kiss she made it clear it was not about feelings. And that she didn't want to kiss him again. But he talked her into kissing him again said he needed to figure out his marriage. and that how do you know its not feelings maybe they should kiss and see. And was doing all he could to get her talked into kissing again. even though he knew she didn't want to. He had to pound a lot of booze just to get the courage to do it. Then after they kissed he decided to call her a few days later and apologized. Said that he loved his wife and that he was figuring out his marriage. That please don't tell the wife cause he doesn't want to lose her.
> 
> Do men cheat with opportunity? Is this what this was? was he lost cause his marriage was so bad and he knew this friend would kiss him and he wanted to see if he was capable of this? Attention? and ego boost? I just don't understand? If you really liked someone and they made it clear they didn't feel the same why push? I mean I know as a female I wouldn't it would hurt. Was it being young and just well unsure about marriage... I mean do people cheat to see if they can?


The answer to your last paragraph is YES of course they do, but THIS question needs to be put in context of the exact situation of your marriage or you won't get a true and fair response. I remembered some of it but I looked at your post history to remind myself. You left out the part about your strip poker down to underwear and streaking with friends while he was away. (Which seems just as implausible by the way) That was a pretty big deal to leave out. 

Personally I think your husband was very hurt by this. You had in his mind been very disloyal to him, and it sounds like in the aftermath you were not that gracious about it as you say you argued quite a bit. I'm curious what was there to argue about, what you did sucked. I suspect that you argued to try to minimize it, but maybe had you been more empathetic to his pain you both might have had a better chance. Whatever the arguments were about I doubt it helped your case. 

Unfortunately he then is kissed by this women, I would think at that point he felt like the idea of loyalty was no longer on the table even if this went unspoken, or at least he wasn't willing to keep being loyal at the expense of something that probably felt good to him. (Something that quite obviously a lot of people who act inappropriately in there relationships seem to have a hard time with) Meaning once you show that you are not willing to protect the marriage even from the worst of yourself it's very hard to expect your spouse to do the same when they are given the same exact opportunity. 

Anyway he probably then decided to enjoy the attention for a little bit, or maybe he really did have his doubts about your marriage and wanted to see if there was a possibility with this other women. It's even possible this was an act of defiance on his part, a kind of F-U to you from him. Though the answer as it is with all of these things really always comes down to - He did it because he wanted to and he could. 

I think there likely is not much more to it then that. 

All of this is why staying together when the loyalty bond is broken is so hard and why I don't recommend it. Marriage and fidelity can be hard at times, but it's damn near impossible when one of the people in it feels like they are the only ones invested in the concept. 

You have to decide if you can forgive him. But just as importantly you need to decide if you can move on. It's OK if you can't but IF you can't you really should stop wasting your time. But most importantly you need to do it before you have another EA. 

You did yours.
He did his probably at least a little bit as a reaction to yours.
You did yours because he did his. 
Here you are.

What do you think the quality of your life will be moving forward. If he causes you more pain then he does joy and it's doable you should move on.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Don'tworrybehappy, be honest with us girl. The chick that got kissed, whether it was you or the other girl probably felt a little fire in the bush. If not, the man is a crappy kisser. I'd done everything I could have to make her wet her pants.

All I can say about his comment, 
_"Then after that my husband kissed her. Saying he was seeing about our marriage. Saying “I felt if I was ok with doing that then I couldn’t be with you cause then I wouldn’t care does that make sense so like every time we had a problem or whatever and with all the chaos that was our marriage if I couldn’t I guess respect you it wasn’t going to work and after I felt horrible and felt so bad I ****ed up that respect it wasn’t a smart choice but it was my choice”_ 
It sounds like he's a bull shyter but not a very good one. I don't think he has the skill level to get her into one of the bathrooms. 
The only thing about parties is that when a chick would come on to me like that, there was often a pesky husband of boyfriend that had radar trained on her. But I often had her phone number before the night was over. You need to keep the radar on this old boy. I think that he believes the ride he's getting at home falls a little short and he's wanting to sample some other poon tang to see what he believes he's missing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

One more thing and THIS where I think it really is where you are stuck.

His affair doesn't say anything about your worth. But also neither does you getting attention from other men. The common denominator in all of this, streaking, dealing with your husbands attraction to another women, and the "emotional affair" you had with some guy who was not your husband, all of this points to you looking for men to make you feel good about yourself, or give you some sort of self worth that you are missing.

It's, I am lonely, young and attractive and if I strip down to my skivvies and run around I can see that men think I am attractive and desirable. This makes me feel good and temperately gives me self worth. 

It's, my husband had an interest in another women (which I agree sucks). What does that say about me, am I desirable and worthy as a person? So you obsess about that even years later. 

It's, my husband had an affair and it makes me feel down on myself (By the way, something I would like to point out is probably exactly how he felt right before he chose to have his affair. Maybe that can help you understand it better, if you think about it in this context). Now here comes this new person who gives me emotional attention which temporally makes me feel worthy and attractive as a person. 

Until you can get that your self worth is NOT based on people attraction to you, or your husbands character (in this instance lack there of) you are not going to get over this or be happy. In fact if you try to get it from this you are doomed to feel unworthy because attraction is a very shallow and transient emotion. The aftermath of having and affair and knowing you hurt someone you love will really make you feel down on yourself. You have absoultly no control over other people, which is why it's a trap to make them the arbitrators of your worth. 

THIS IS YOUR ISSUE. Not his kissing someone. WORK ON THIS ISSUE. Until you stop thinking this way you are going to obsess and maybe even stray again. 

If you want to feel better about yourself stop getting yourself worth from what others think about you, be it lust or whatever and get your self worth from who you are. Make an effort to start living a moral and healthy life. Start really working on yourself, counseling, reading books, exercise, whatever it is. And get yourself worth from your character. It is the one thing in life you can control. Everyone in this life has the potential to be worthy but having people attracted to you (or not) really doesn't have a lot to do with it. You might want to start by reading Brené Brown, this seems to be the goto person whose books people in your situation rave about. 

If you need to, get some IC about all this. Yourself worth is not going to be found in any man, even your husband.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

This all just mak s me want to end my life.. I ant live with him and can’t wirhout him


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Don'tworrybehappy, be honest with us girl. The chick that got kissed, whether it was you or the other girl probably felt a little fire in the bush. If not, the man is a crappy kisser. I'd done everything I could have to make her wet her pants.
> 
> All I can say about his comment,
> _"Then after that my husband kissed her. Saying he was seeing about our marriage. Saying “I felt if I was ok with doing that then I couldn’t be with you cause then I wouldn’t care does that make sense so like every time we had a problem or whatever and with all the chaos that was our marriage if I couldn’t I guess respect you it wasn’t going to work and after I felt horrible and felt so bad I ****ed up that respect it wasn’t a smart choice but it was my choice”_
> ...


Dude, why you banging married chicks?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I really don't mean to minimize this and this is not my intention but rather something to try and get through to you so bear with me. I see all of these posts within the 4 month span, all about the same thing. I know your pain is real, it's evident and everyone handles situations and betrayal and pain in their own way. It's just on the surface, a little hard to comprehend what exactly is going on here. We have all of these stories going around TAM where people are getting pregnant by OM, men father kids outside of their marriage, people having their life savings wiped out and left with the bill of a cheater, etc.

This topic keeps swirling around and around about your husband's kiss and his feeling to want to do it again just to see what it meant. I said it on a post of yours a while back and I'll say it again and please forgive me for saying this but your husband seems to have the will power and decision making of a Middle Schooler, almost more idiotic than deceitful since if I remember right, the other woman didn't even want him?

I agree with the others here that you need to get this put behind you and put it to rest by getting all of the truth the best you can and then move on one way or another. 

Please, please ... get some help for yourself, like yesterday! I know your pain is real but it's growing and not healing and out of your control. Time to get counseling so that you can move on and start to get stronger and believe in yourself. You deserve a better life for yourself but it's not going to happen on your own. You alone, have to make the decision to get help but from there, let people that are experienced in this, do their job.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need a lot more help than strangers on a marriage forum can provide.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Dude, why you banging married chicks?


I don't anymore and haven't for the last 20+ years. I did a little escorting in my thirties and early forties and they were my clients, and it wasn't all about sex. You have to keep in mind that for every cat bangs a married chick, there's a married chick that is willfully banging him (as long as they a both consenting).


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> I don't anymore and haven't for the last 20+ years. I did a little escorting in my thirties and early forties and they were my clients, and it wasn't all about sex. You have to keep in mind that for every cat bangs a married chick, there's a married chick that is willfully banging him (as long as they a both consenting).


I agree its 100% on the married chick, but its a little morally ambiguous on your part. I go flaccid when I see a ring on a finger, you know there is a family (possibly kids) that's potentially getting destroyed. I can't be party to that.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> This all just mak s me want to end my life.. I ant live with him and can’t wirhout him


"Can't live without him my azz". If he'd never been born, you'd be saying the same thing about somebody else. Folks can't go committing sideways ever time some spouse decides they want to sample something else. You just ditch the SOB when you realize other guys have the same plumbing and offer the same or better companionship. Not that it makes it right but men are programmed to want multiple partners. Some control it better than others. Remember, it was men who invented polygamy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I agree its 100% on the married chick, but its a little morally ambiguous on your part. I go flaccid when I see a ring on a finger, you know there is a family (possibly kids) that's potentially getting destroyed. I can't be party to that.


Its like any crime. Folks don't think they are going to get caught. Besides, if a spouse cheats, they have already justified it in their mind.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> This all just mak s me want to end my life.. I ant live with him and can’t wirhout him


DWBH, maybe it's time to go back on the meds. You had talked about that before in other posts. What ever happened with that? Your posts show obsessive thinking and you are talking about ending your life now. As someone who dealt with obsessive thinking do to PTSD sometimes you just need something to help you control it. Think of it like a rash the you can't stop scratching, sometimes you need meds to make the itching stop or at least calm down a little to help you stop. 

Proper meds can improve the quality of your life, you just need to find a clinical psychologist who specializes in medications, and who will monitor you reaction to them. 

It's OK if that is what you need, seriously it's better then being stuck in circular thinking to the point of where you are posting about ending it all. 

Besides that YOU CAN live without him you just are afraid it will be awful, but you will be OK. Not even saying you need to just not be stuck in fear over it so you can start making less emotional decisions. How about taking some steps to give you some independence so it doesn't seem so scare, even if it just emotional independence.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

sokillme said:


> DWBH, maybe it's time to go back on the meds. You had talked about that before in other posts. What ever happened with that? Your posts show obsessive thinking and you are not talking about ending your life now. As someone who dealt with obsessive thinking do to PTSD sometimes you just need something to help you control it. Think of it like a rash the you can't stop scratching, sometimes you need meds to make the itching stop or at least calm down a little to help you stop.
> 
> Proper meds can improve the quality of your life, you just need to find a clinical psychologist who specializes in medications, and who will monitor you reaction to them.
> 
> ...


This frankly put the situation into words better than I could have. I am confident DWBH, once you get help, you will be on a path to much less worrying and much more happiness. You can get through this!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

dontworrybehappy said:


> This all just mak s me want to end my life.. I ant live with him and can’t wirhout him


If you do something, even just something small, you will start to feel better. While you can't know what is in his mind, you can clear your conscience and know it wasn't you who caused him to kiss her. It was his choice, just as it was your choice to kiss that man. 

Hang in there and start to work on it. You'll feel better. Sitting still is tough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Yes, I am making sense of it a little.. But I wonder if people see what I see.. Or if I should let it all die.


Dontworrybehappy, you are going to drive yourself insane if you keep this up. 

There is no reason for it. It happened. It was stupid on both their parts. It should never of happened but it did. 

You need to let it go. Please.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

@dontworrybehappy

Are you OK? How are you feeling today?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sokillme said:


> @dontworrybehappy
> 
> Are you OK? How are you feeling today?


Today is ok. Tonight I start back on Zoloft. I do think it sucks and I am trying to determine what I am stuck on. I think it’s just believing him. He sent me this 

It was because i wasn’t happy so I tried to fix it myself I chose her cause it already happened and I thought when I got caught it would soften the blow being her but now I know it was the worst person to choose and if I wouldn’t have already happened I would not have chose her or I would have thought of something else ur focusing on her when I’m trying to tell you why but all you see is her


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> Today is ok. Tonight I start back on Zoloft. I do think it sucks and I am trying to determine what I am stuck on. I think it’s just believing him. He sent me this
> 
> It was because i wasn’t happy so I tried to fix it myself I chose her cause it already happened and I thought when I got caught it would soften the blow being her but now I know it was the worst person to choose and if I wouldn’t have already happened I would not have chose her or I would have thought of something else ur focusing on her when I’m trying to tell you why but all you see is her


My friend, there is never going to be a reason that makes it make sense or make it OK. It hurts, it sucks, but that is life. Things happen in all our lives that are even done to us by people we love who make really painful and selfish decisions, and they hurt like hell. It's life. Unfortunately life is about joy and pain. Like the song, Sunshine and rain. That's life. I think partly because if everything was sunshine you wouldn't appreciate what sunshine is. Life is about living it, not being happy all the time. Great joys and great pains are a part of a life well lived. Like Tennyson said " better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Better to live a life with passion then a safe life right?

You are going to have to accept that this thing sucks and it just hurts. There is no way to make that go away. At least if you want to stay with him. 

One thing I would say is you should be able to relate a least a little bit to this as you too had an EA. Why do you think you did it? But again please listen to what I said in my other post. His affair says nothing about you as a person. You are not the sum others opinion of you or how they treat you. You are the sum of how you treat others. You can be the most worthy person you want to be but that is all done by your actions. YOU have control over that. 

Now on a different note, do your Doctors know that you feel like Zoloft made you numb to your life, I remember you said this because I had the same experience with it. Their are other drugs out there, more modern ones. This is why I say you need to see a clinical psychologist who specializes in medications. A lot of this stuff is trial to figure out what gives you the best results with different drugs over time. 

If because of your circular thinking right now you are overwhelmed by the prospect of figuring this all out, please ask your husband to help you. Look I get it, but I don't think you are where you need to be to really see this whole thing clearly. Having thoughts that you don't feel like you have a handle on is hard. Continue to ask for help from people who love you OK? It's gonna get better.


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

My friend, there is never going to be a reason that makes it make sense or make it OK. It hurts, it sucks, but that is life. Things happen in all our lives that are even done to us by people we love who make really painful and selfish decisions, and they hurt like hell. It's life. Unfortunately life is about joy and pain. Like the song, Sunshine and rain. That's life. I think partly because if everything was sunshine you wouldn't appreciate what sunshine is. Life is about living it, not being happy all the time. Great joys and great pains are a part of a life well lived. Like Tennyson said " better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Better to live a life with passion then a safe life right?

You are going to have to accept that this thing sucks and it just hurts. There is no way to make that go away. At least if you want to stay with him. 

One thing I would say is you should be able to relate a least a little bit to this as you too had an EA. Why do you think you did it? But again please listen to what I said in my other post. His affair says nothing about you as a person. You are not the sum others opinion of you or how they treat you. You are the sum of how you treat others. You can be the most worthy person you want to be but that is all done by your actions. YOU have control over that. 

Now on a different note, do your Doctors know that you feel like Zoloft made you numb to your life, I remember you said this because I had the same experience with it. Their are other drugs out there, more modern ones. This is why I say you need to see a clinical psychologist who specializes in medications. A lot of this stuff is trial to figure out what gives you the best results with different drugs over time. 

If because of your circular thinking right now you are overwhelmed by the prospect of figuring this all out, please ask your husband to help you. Look I get it, but I don't think you are where you need to be to really see this whole thing clearly. Having thoughts that you don't feel like you have a handle on is hard. Continue to ask for help from people who love you OK? It's gonna get better.[/QUOTE]

Ya it just really does hurt like hell. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy for sure. Sometimes I even think about wishing bad on the other couple and stop. I don’t want anyone to feel this. 

I think that I just put him on a pedi stool our entire marriage. And I mean in the cheat department not others. Before this all happened we were not a team not a good couple. And lost respect. Our kids were priority and friends and for sure party life. Maybe it had to happen to pull us back and see what is important. Cause honestly if he left it at the 1 time I would have dismissed it as drinking her anger and him being caught in the middle. Then we would have continued down the path of friendship and we would have been divorced. Cause we didn’t see what married life was supposed to be. I can rationalize it in my brain, but then get caught in the depression and then my brain turns on me. Another thing is pride I get caught in do people think I am stupid to stay? Do they think he wanted her and not me? Does he want her and not me? If he did he would have done it agin when she tried.. just so stupid and that’s when I get the suicidal thoughts.. cause I just want it to stop in my brain..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

dontworrybehappy said:


> My friend, there is never going to be a reason that makes it make sense or make it OK. It hurts, it sucks, but that is life. Things happen in all our lives that are even done to us by people we love who make really painful and selfish decisions, and they hurt like hell. It's life. Unfortunately life is about joy and pain. Like the song, Sunshine and rain. That's life. I think partly because if everything was sunshine you wouldn't appreciate what sunshine is. Life is about living it, not being happy all the time. Great joys and great pains are a part of a life well lived. Like Tennyson said " better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Better to live a life with passion then a safe life right?
> 
> You are going to have to accept that this thing sucks and it just hurts. There is no way to make that go away. At least if you want to stay with him.
> 
> ...


I think you have to think that some of your obsession is because there is a chemical imbalance in your brain right? That's what the drugs do that kind of get you more even so you can have moments when you can turn it off. Why don't you wait until you find the right meds before you accept that you thinking is true and your brain is not lying to you. Like when you are really sick and just have to lay in bed and wait it out. That is were you are mentally. Do something to detracts yourself until the meds take over. But I am serious about working with a doctor to find the right ones, you don't want to be in zombie land either. Tell your husband you need help with this. 

Look even if he had done the worst thing possible to you and then left you should not be suicidal over it. No one person is worth taking your life over. 

I have mentioned a few times but what about this in the context that you too had an affair. What do you think when you think about that? Like you were on the other side. What were YOU thinking when you did what you did?


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## dontworrybehappy (Apr 17, 2018)

sokillme said:


> I think you have to think that some of your obsession is because there is a chemical imbalance in your brain right? That's what the drugs do that kind of get you more even so you can have moments when you can turn it off. Why don't you wait until you find the right meds before you accept that you thinking is true and your brain is not lying to you. Like when you are really sick and just have to lay in bed and wait it out. That is were you are mentally. Do something to detracts yourself until the meds take over. But I am serious about working with a doctor to find the right ones, you don't want to be in zombie land either. Tell your husband you need help with this.
> 
> Look even if he had done the worst thing possible to you and then left you should not be suicidal over it. No one person is worth taking your life over.
> 
> I have mentioned a few times but what about this in the context that you too had an affair. What do you think when you think about that? Like you were on the other side. What were YOU thinking when you did what you did?





I for sure have an obsession. I think I am going to try St. Johns Wort before I dive back into ZOLOFT. Maybe also I will take that genesite test to see what Antidepressants mesh with my body. The thing that scares me is I will be on meds the rest of my life. I know that nobody is worth losing life. I have moments of clarity. But no I get you. I think that for me I justify that my EA was nothing like what he did cause we never crossed the physical line. And he looks at his like its not bad because He was using her to see if he was ok with it. If I was what he wanted the rest of his life or if we were not worth the fight. He said I was invested with feelings and his was basically using her. That I believe cause he never text, called and flirted he didn't do all the things that you would do if you had feelings. I mean shoot he had to talk her into it. That would make anyone (if you had feelings) feel like crap to hear someone you wanted didn't want you. Not the opposite of lets kiss! so for some odd reason I think I get him. I know others say its BS and he wanted her and so on. 

But, If this was the case he would have kept going and tried again when she said she wanted to kiss him a third time. So I know that sometimes people cheat and they themselves think that they know why or why they did it doesn't make sense. But maybe for some reason he really thought that by kissing her the blow wouldn't be as bad cause she was our friend and not a stranger. But now he knows it was worse for me. 

looking back at our marriage it makes me so sad. We just partied and hung out with friends. We dropped our kids at my parents every weekend. it makes me sick. But we were so young and didn't take married life seriously. Honestly the entire situation between the two of us seems like stuff that happens in High school. I would always be little him. I thought "I can't make his ego bigger" I put up walls. Like if you leave me I will be fine. I acted like his friends were more important than he was. it was a S*%$ show. SMH.. I just know that right now he is the man I have always dreamed of. He is an AMAZING father and AMAZING husband with so much patients. And the fact that he puts up with all of this blows me away. Most people would be like, its been 10 years and you will not stop. I am done. and he holds on. Everyday holds on to me. So even if at a moment in time he thought that he wanted her why should that take precedence over the now? Don't we ALL doubt and make choices that Don't add up. We are all human. 

I think when it all comes down to it. People cheat cause they are missing something. Plain and simple... We all know that its hurtful we all know that consequences and still do it. Cause we get caught in that moment of feeling good about OURSelves not them, But us. it is a very selfish act. But listen we have 60% of men and 40% of women cheating. Thats basically ALL marriages. It blows my mind that we all can sit and judge others and say you are SO STUPID to stay. But you know what the person tossing that stone, They usually have something they are hiding or maybe they don't know what their spouse is hiding.. 

I just need to stop feeling as if my situation is unique and that I am the only one that was ever hurt in this way. I need to embrace and feel the hurt. Learn that it's not me. That I am not underneath her, That he didn't want to leave and run away with her. that me and the girls were enough. And that if he did want someone other than me, That he would have left or continued to cheat even with other women. But he didn't he stopped. He ended that ugliness with her and after I found out felt terrible to see the hurt on my face. He never attempted to hang out with them.. Its all there I just need to see it. And be thankful it never turned into a relationship or sex.


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