# Job > Family?



## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

It's been a long, long while since I've had to post about my marriage. Short version is we've been together for a decade, he's in LE, I stay home. we have a gaggle of kids, elementary school age and a set of 8 month old twins. Had a rough time 3 years ago but we've come a long way.

When we initially talked about having another baby, we made a deal that he would NOT put in for any voluntary details, shift changes, or job re assignments. Then we found out we were having twins I made him swear it in blood!

Unfortunately, he's gone back on his word. He has volunteered to be a union rep (unpaid volunteer work) and compliance officer (a day shift once a month.) 

He called me last night and let me know he has an interview Wednesday for a detail that will last 2 years. He would work 7 to 5 on week days plus be on call on weekends. 

This wasn't our deal. If he had told me this was going to happen, I would have put off getting pregnant. So after having freedom for a year after my little one went into kindergarten, I'm stuck at home with infants with no help. Again. 

I haven't given him an opinion either way other than to tell him that it seems to me this job requires 100% dedication and something, somewhere has to give. 

I can FEEL the resentment rising. Am I being unreasonable? I want him to be happy and fulfilled at work but why does it have to come at the cost of MY sanity at home?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

To my mind you are not being unreasonable. He broke his promise. He might not have ment too, but he did. I would carefully tell him that this is not what he promised.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

His breaking the Promise is what slices.. .. how do we have trust in our spouses when they repeatedly show us by their actions their word can NOT be relied upon... There are consequences.... it's one thing -if he discussed it with you and you both came to the decision, but he didn't give you that.. he went ahead -alone, knowing he is going back on his word.

Any wife would feel resentful here.. 

Outside of his working.. when he does get home...does he MAKE TIME / giving you & the children his attention ...in some way trying to make up for this extra time away? 

His taking a volunteer job -no pay.. after twins though.. Yeah.. Not OK.. another could have stepped in with no so much on their plates at home, this wasn't the time.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

It does come down to not being able to trust him. I was in tears last night. I don't want to feel like a single mother again. We grew apart SO much when he wasn't around. 

Logically, I know he loves us. This is the first time he's been around to see our babies crawl for the first time or cut their first teeth. He's so excited. But when work stuff comes up...we are definitely a distant second. 

I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to do this without him hating me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *AnnieAsh said*: *Logically, I know he loves us. This is the first time he's been around to see our babies crawl for the first time or cut their first teeth. He's so excited. But when work stuff comes up...we are definitely a distant second.
> 
> I don't know how to tell him I don't want him to do this without him hating me*.


It's a tough situation... would you call him a workaholic ?

This article speaks to how you feel...and how to handle it .. ultimately you want HIM to see it's hurting the family and to make the changes necessary...

Is Your Partner Having An Affair With Work?Â*|Â*Dr. Terri Orbuch


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So have you confronted him on what he agreed to? What reason does he give for changing his mind?

C


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> It's a tough situation... would you call him a workaholic ?
> 
> This article speaks to how you feel...and how to handle it .. ultimately you want HIM to see it's hurting the family and to make the changes necessary...
> 
> Is Your Partner Having An Affair With Work?Â*|Â*Dr. Terri Orbuch


Thanks SA. Reading the article right now!


PBear said:


> So have you confronted him on what he agreed to? What reason does he give for changing his mind?
> 
> C


He's bored at work. That's exactly what he told me. The line (basic agent duties) bore him. He's taken and passed the supervisor test and he's also looking into doing temp sup positions at other stations.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is there a way that the two of you can have what you need and want.

His career is very important to your family because it's paying to support you all.

Your need for his help and time is also very important.

Will he be making extra money if the takes the new detail? If so, perhaps spend it on some help for you. Have someone come in and give you a break. Or get some help with someone to clean the house a few times in the month.

With this he can continue to advance his career. But when he's home, his time can be spend with you and the children.. .there would be no need for him to help with any chores, etc. If you can get some free time when he's at work, you will not feel so burdened.

Also, do you have much of a social life? Something like getting out with other might help. There are groups of moms who meet so that their kids have play dates and the moms can socialize with each other and get adult time. Check out Find your people - Meetup for your area. See if you can find ways to build a good, strong social circle that is supportive of you.

Also get "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". You and your husband seem to need help in negotiating things.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I was in a similar situation several years ago. H is a workaholic, he promised not to take on too much but always did. 

Yes I was resentful, yes we grew apart, yes it was difficult. 

I had to build almost a separate life for me and the kids, domestic support, and social support. As the kids grew older the demands on me have lightened. H is still a workaholic, 

I've let go of almost all of the resentment. Never really seriously considered divorce because how would that have helped? I would still have been raising kids on my own. So I just got on with it. 

With my workload significantly decreased now that our kids are much older, H and I have grown back together and are very happy now. Of course I still wish he was home more but this is who he is. I'm not going to lie, those years with four kids under five years old were really difficult, they really put a strain on our marriage, especially our sex life.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Do you realize that it is highly likely his number one concern is to provide for his family and this burden weighs on him EVERY day at all times?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Is there a way that the two of you can have what you need and want.
> 
> His career is very important to your family because it's paying to support you all.
> 
> ...


Hi Ele! Yes his career is important to our family which is why I support him as much as I possibly can. I have to take out our marriage builders stuff again. I honestly thought we were doing SO well. I'm very disheartened. 

I hired a lady to do homework time 2 days to give me a bit of a breather and he's offered to hire an au pair for a few hours a week but...furlough is coming and I hesitate to spend the money. 

I do have a wonderful social circle. My friends love the babies and our girls are friends so I do get out. I rarely get out WITHOUT babies in tow. That might be the stressful thing. I think I've gone shopping without them 3 times. I did hit a winery a few weeks ago with friends but felt guilty the entire time. 


Giro flee said:


> I was in a similar situation several years ago. H is a workaholic, he promised not to take on too much but always did.
> 
> Yes I was resentful, yes we grew apart, yes it was difficult.
> 
> ...


Hi Giro! Does your husband regret missing so much of your children's formative years? There's no getting that time back. How did you push through the resentment? The alternative is raising kids alone but...why should I be lonely and be married? What's the point in that? 

This new position means he misses school functions, dance recitals, Girl Scout activities. It means even more stuff falls to me. 



anonmd said:


> Do you realize that it is highly likely his number one concern is to provide for his family and this burden weighs on him EVERY day at all times?


You do understand that this is not a new job, but a team WITHIN his job he is applying to? This has nothing to do with providing for us. His job does that. This is about him going back on his promise to not apply for new details or teams until the twins are 2. 

His job as a husband is more than paying the bills, just like my job as a wife is about more than washing his clothes.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yes, I understand and yes I know his "job as a husband" is more than paying the bills. It is a guy thing that makes no sense to a female brain but it is there. 

It's like, if you had to be separated from your kids for a month and you were told not to call them and not to worry. That would be pretty damn impossible for you no?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

FURLOUGH is coming?!!! That doesn't sound too peachy.

This reinforces my point, he may feel less than secure and these other things might make the difference if layoffs come.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Quote: Hi Giro! Does your husband regret missing so much of your children's formative years? There's no getting that time back. How did you push through the resentment? The alternative is raising kids alone but...why should I be lonely and be married? What's the point in that? 

This new position means he misses school functions, dance recitals, Girl Scout activities. It means even more stuff falls to me. :: Quote 


Does he regret missing out on so much? Probably. Didn't stop him from working, still doesn't. He also travels frequently for work so he has missed many birthdays, Halloweens, etc. I don't know what drives him to do it, he loves working  we've never needed the money, he just has a strong drive to succeed. 

I was very resentful for five to ten years. Our marriage really struggled. Once the kids got older, most of them can drive now, my workload decreased significantly. I still missed H but didn't feel like I was working myself to death anymore. I think I also just got used to doing most things on my own, I'm very introverted and independent so that might help too. Technology also makes communication much easier than it was just ten years ago.

I had a friend get divorced over this exact issue and to me it didn't seem to make her any happier. The resentment has taken years to diminish, I think I'm rid of almost all of it unless something triggers me. This past Christmas was one of those times where I completely blew up at him, he didn't take not one minute off. I should be used to it but it just really angered me this year. Probably because I've been nursing so many sick family members I was feeling overloaded and went right back to that place of having no support.

My experience is that changing another person is almost impossible. Changing myself and my expectations was easier. I had to find a way to be as happy as I could be in my situation, because H was not going to change. I didn't want a divorce so I lowered my expectations.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

Job > family = false
Family > everything else = true


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

Just want to say I've been where you are and still there. I've went yrs being a single married mom due to his job. It does get easier as they get older. Once you get more freedom due to the kids not bring so dependent it gets easier. When they're little, it's hard! I even went thru a period where I tried to make myself believe I didn't need him. If he was there he was there, if not, no skin off my back and I went about business as usual! This was after years of being resentful and being tired of feeling that way. I don't think he was used to that.. Me not wanting to spend every free moment with him...me not relying on him to make me happy, etc.Having my own hobbies, and social life helped a LOT! Sorry not much help, just wanted to chime in and say that I "get it"!

You have every right to call him on it. He's probably a man that likes to feel needed at work, and that's where he gets his self worth.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You have a gaggle of kids to feed and support. These are difficult financial times. Your husband is working under a union shop. It is highly political in this environment. My husband was a union man at some point. Union members who do not pull extra loads as volunteers will get behind the lines of best jobs.

You need to be supportive of his efforts. You need to talk to him and arrive at some type of compromise. In the union environment, those workers who don't put more than their working regular time can be resented by those who are working more volunteer hours. He can be picked on in his workplace. He will experience undue stress. I have seen this before. He is trying to avoid being a deviant in the workplace.

I have been the breadwinner for over 25 years. People who are picked on in the workplace will eventually quit and where will that put you and your family? You need to compromise.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Just to clear something up. I AM supportive. I do 90% of the work in the house. I ask that he take out the trash, his clothes in the hamper, and be home on Wednesday afternoon to drive to meetings and dance. Otherwise I have 2 grizzled infants in and out of the car, messing with their sleep. 

He BEGGED me to have these kids. He SWORE he would not volunteer for new details for 2 years. 

He sat in front of me today and I said "what about our deal? The babies are 8 months old!" He said "I know I promised but I want this."

He is union. There are no lay-offs. These jobs he keeps asking for are merely to alleviate his boredom at work. This is not an office job. There are guys that work the line for 25 years. They are NOT picked on. They work their 50 hours and go the eff home. 

It's ok to break a promise to your wife? I asked him for 2 fecking years of working the line, doing midshifts. After that, he could go back to volunteering and out of town details. WHICH HE SPENT 6 YEARS DOING. 

I've been holding it down. He knows I will always be here. That's why he acts like this.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I don't know, I'm different but I think it has to do with being (originally) a truckers wife for the first 11 years of our relationship.

I knew he was a trucker before we got together, he will always be a trucker (despite the fact we now run a family business together and he isn't trucking right now)

I knew what he was, is and accept that. I did a lot of the at home work and child rearing by myself. It is what it is. I don't condone breaking a promise but I also don't condone making someone make a promise they can't necessarily keep either.

I, personally, would never have asked for something like that type of promise knowing he was what he was career wise.

Being a married single mom isn't everyone's cup of tea and not everyone can cope with that type of marriage/relationship dynamic though.

I'm not saying you were wrong to ask for that, I'm not condoning his breaking a promise. I'm just saying you knew what he did for a living and it might not have been the best promise to ask for or the best promise for him to attempt to keep.

Might be time to reevaluate and find alternatives to the solution. If he backs out of those commitments now, might not look very good on him at work. Even unionised workers can get fired for unreliability when the employer can prove it.

Perhaps a mother's helper? Circle of friends expansion? (Especially ones at meetings or dance, car pooling or play dates, exchange of babysitting ...etc)


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Thanks everyone. Today when he told me "I know I made a promise but I want this" I felt this deep anger coming up. He seriously smiled like it was funny. 

I guess it hurts me deeply because he knows I am struggling with PPD. He was so loving and protective before and during my pregnancy and I'm back to being nothing again. 

CantePe, he wasn't an agent when we got together. He applied afterward. But the great thing about his job is you can do as much or as little as you want. You could go in and work your shifts and do no extra duties then one day decide you want to answer a solicitation. That's why we liked it. I encouraged him for 6 years to answer every solicitation that he was interested in. I EDITED his memos and applications. 

This is all voluntary. This is a detail he wants that will change his hours and duties. He will be on call. He could work Mon-Fri then get called in on Sat. In fact, his buddy on the team said they spent all day yesterday in the office. So that is not rare. 

I have no recourse anyway. I'm a SAHM, with a small stash of money but I'd probably die before I took his kids from him.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I'm not siding with your H, however I will say from experience, that kiddos in their pre-teen and teen years need their dad. So, if he does not take the time now, he should plan to make time from work when they get to about 11 or 12 right up through 18. Needless to say he still needs to connect with them now as much as possible.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Don't be too sure that your husband will not be laid off as you said. Unions go on long strikes. Payments may not be forthcoming to your husband. My husband worked for an oil company on the refinery line. 

I remembered these strikes when there were no paychecks forthcoming. I am 57 years old and have met many individuals working on union jobs. You are too sure of your knowledge on union issues. Best of luck to you as you seem to believe what you wish your situation should be.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I was working in a unionised environment, we ended up on strike just before Christmas... Still waiting for that "strike pay" from over a year ago. Guess who doesn't work for that unionised company anymore.

I don't particularly care for unions as they are today.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Ikaika said:


> I'm not siding with your H, however I will say from experience, that kiddos in their pre-teen and teen years need their dad. So, if he does not take the time now, he should plan to make time from work when they get to about 11 or 12 right up through 18. Needless to say he still needs to connect with them now as much as possible.


Hiya! How you doin! 

Yeah I just want him to be there for his family in a manner his dad wasn't. His father wasn't a bad man just sort of...absent. My husband is blown away by how involved his father is with all his grandkids. Totally different than how he was while husband was growing up. 

K thanks Roselyn. I'm not talking about striking or any other bull. Please understand what my problem is: broken promises. Have a fabulous night.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Op 
I feel with you under the pressure.

when you started your life with him , you knew that he is the bread winner right ? I meant he didn't ask you to leave your job and stay at home .

If this is the case ; then your job is at home ,equivalent to him working .

would you prefer that he fails in his carrier and come back home early to do a bigger portion of your job ?

I can see now 2 problems in your marriage :

-He broke a deal : he shouldn't have promised to do something he can't.
- You are resentfull to him ,but u are agreessive passive a bit .
-do you really love those tiny creatures ? or are they to you not more than added numbers.

Your husband could be a jerk for giving up his word ; but the first thing that that comes to my mind when reading your thread :

-WOW were you really ready to give up the twins if he didn't promise .

I think you both need IC , and then MC.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Job &gt; Family?*



AnnieAsh said:


> Hiya! How you doin!
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah I just want him to be there for his family in a manner his dad wasn't. His father wasn't a bad man just sort of...absent. My husband is blown away by how involved his father is with all his grandkids. Totally different than how he was while husband was growing up.



I'm doing good. My wife has been kind of ill lately and still getting test to see what gives with her occasional vertigo and bone crunching headaches (as she describes). Enough about me.

Yea, I think grandpa understands, now. I have found my 13 and 15 year old sons want my attention so much nowadays. On Thursdays when they should both be winding down, they wait up for me, just so they talk as I come home (usually around 9pm on that day). 

My sons will often fight for time with me. One the sports jock, the other the video gamer, I have to switch modes all the time. I realized it is too important to neglect that precious time. I could spend more time (even though I'm salaried, no union but demands are high) cranking out more grants or publications, but it is not worth it at this age. I've even contemplated changing careers, start my own business, so I can eventually hire my oldest disabled son. As crazy as it sounds, all this to have more regular hours with my family. They know we both work hard, but that never takes away what they want, our time. 

I don't know how to reconcile the broken promise, but I do understand time lost. My father was almost never home, work and golf always came first. We all knew it. And, when he was home, he treated us like sh!t. I was determined not to be my father.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If he gets the 7-5 job, can he resign the union rep job and compliance officer job? Does he have to do all three thing? 

I would be mad too, btw. If he had told you that doing these extras would help his career advancement, I might agree with him but he told it was because he was bored at work. My husband moved to a station where he can leave for up to two weeks to fight fires. Kind of important information I needed to know before he made the move.

Just to add, in some states and jurisdictions LE and firefighters are barred from going on strike. Something to do with the public's safety.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Zouz said:


> Op
> I feel with you under the pressure.
> 
> when you started your life with him , you knew that he is the bread winner right ? I meant he didn't ask you to leave your job and stay at home .
> ...


I was the breadwinner when we first got together.  For the first 2 years. He was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do. 

I love my babies so much but I definitely wouldn't have had them had I known. Why? Because they will be stuck with a sucky and subpar mother who struggles to get through the week. My older kids are suffering. My 7 yr old cried because I can't go with her on her field trip this year like the other moms. Daddy works days that week and mommy isn't allowed to bring the babies. 

She told me the babies ruined her life. Breaks my heart. Clearly I suck if she feels like that. 

He knows how much that HURTS me to let them down. But he's still ok with switching up the schedule EVEN MORE. We talked about Friday this week (big thing at the school.) He volunteered for a 2 day training so now I'm scrambling to find someone to take my kid because I can't. I put the event on his calendar. Like wth?!


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> If he gets the 7-5 job, can he resign the union rep job and compliance officer job? Does he have to do all three thing?
> 
> I would be mad too, btw. If he had told you that doing these extras would help his career advancement, I might agree with him but he told it was because he was bored at work. My husband moved to a station where he can leave for up to two weeks to fight fires. Kind of important information I needed to know before he made the move.
> 
> Just to add, in some states and jurisdictions LE and firefighters are barred from going on strike. Something to do with the public's safety.


Yup. They just work without pay! We were on furlough last year and the guys still had to show up for work every day. 

I just asked him about the other stuff. He'd have to resign the compliance officer thing but union rep is something you do on your own time. He just did the training on his last day off. 

He tends to get bored if he's stuck doing the same thing for an extended period of time. That's why I only asked for 2 years.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all Annie


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Based on what you have said , your Hub is escaping family chores through work .

When My kids were young , I used to go with them in every trip , especially wife didn't like to do it ; I remember even changing Diapers while on those trips .

Now they are teens , They help even in raising the youngest of 6 .

I enjoy every single outing with them ; actually it is clear that my investment in their childhood is giving the great today outcomes .

you hub is taking even volunteer work to escape house chore ; he is selfish .

My advise to you is to have a very serious talk with him ; he has to quit all extra things , and come help you at least emotionally ; don't accept that he gets substitutes helpers ; he has to do it himself .

His existence at home even if he is doing nothing is important .

Your husband is selfish ; he needs IC .


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

AnnieAsh said:


> I was the breadwinner when we first got together.  For the first 2 years. He was still trying to figure out what he wanted to do.
> 
> I love my babies so much but I definitely wouldn't have had them had I known. Why? Because they will be stuck with a sucky and subpar mother who struggles to get through the week. My older kids are suffering.* My 7 yr old cried because I can't go with her on her field trip this year like the other moms. Daddy works days that week and mommy isn't allowed to bring the babies. *
> 
> ...



why can't you afford a babysitter then?



> Short version is we've been together for a decade, he's in LE, I stay home. we have a gaggle of kids, elementary school age and a set of 8 month old twins.


How many children do you have in total?


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

We're still not getting the whole story Annie. What did YOU say in response to "I promised but I want this."? Did you say "ok"? "No"? So you're telling me you're a liar?

The simple fact that he would make that statement strikes me as a smug control freak. He lied to get you to do what he wanted, and no that your obligation is fulfilled he doesn't intend to fulfill his side. 

Bored? Seriously? That's his justification for lying to his wife's face? And he's a LE, I'd think he would have more integrity than that. 

Are there other facets of life that you let him bulldoze you on?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Hi Annie! 

So sorry you are going through this. I know you probably feel like you're between a rock and a hard place. Have you laid it all out there for your hubby regarding your feelings of resentment and anger, your daughter's feelings and his broken promise is jepardizing the well-being of your marriage? Does he really see what's at stake here?

Maybe he's just thinking you will just eventually go along with it because you have no other choice. But he is not thinking about the state he is putting your marriage in by being selfish. do you think you can convey that to him?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

ET1SSJonota said:


> We're still not getting the whole story Annie. What did YOU say in response to "I promised but I want this."? Did you say "ok"? "No"? So you're telling me you're a liar?
> 
> The simple fact that he would make that statement strikes me as a smug control freak. He lied to get you to do what he wanted, and no that your obligation is fulfilled he doesn't intend to fulfill his side.
> 
> ...


I said "Are you serious right now?" Mouth agape, I swear. He said "Yeah it'll be fine. Stop worrying." 

When he tells me to stop worrying or stressing, that's it. I'm done. End of conversation. I gave him a kiss and said have a good night at work. 

We don't fight very often. He doesn't bullddoze so much as...spring stuff on me last minute, without warning. This detail, the union rep thing, a month long detail in Georgia...I was informed about them literally days in advance. Even the fact that he was taking a day to see an out of town friend. See your friend! I don't care but let me know! 

Hi Fam! Yeah he knows I'm stuck and even if I kick up a fuss, there's nothing I can do. I do NOT think he understands the depth of my feelings because I find it hard to communicate them. I hate crying in front of him and I can't talk about feeling abandoned without crying. 

I did text him last night and say I was disappointed he reneged but then he started calling and I clammed up. Rejected like 6 calls. :/


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Talk to him, hon. Let him see your heart.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

As a husband that has been and still struggles with being a workaholic, I can relate. You may feel that your husbands base salary provides for everything you need. However, he quite possibly feels like he is one step away from not being able to provide. That is possibly why he takes on extra duties and work.

I have good and bad times with my work. I am self employed. I always have the fear that the next contract won't come. It has yet to happen, but that fear is always there. It is just something that guys deal with that we feel that we have to provide financially for our families - especially when we are the sole income source.

You may never completely understand that, but it is possibly one reason why he is doing that.

My wife told me she felt like a single mom.. That is when it hit and I started to cut back. However, I still get trapped at times where I am overloaded with work and just can't keep up. It is a total balancing act.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Annie,

Can you arrange childcare for the day of the field trip so you can attend with your daughter?

In my town, there are several "drop-in" daycare centers that have an excellent reputation. I never personally used them, but several friends did and spoke highly of them. The staff had excellent credentials (most were retired teachers and/or nurses). To be sure, their fees were higher than a "regular" daycare center, but my friends were extremely happy with their professionalism. And it's affordable as a once-in-awhile option.

It would be nice for you to have an option like that so you can do things with your older kids.

Just a thought...


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

If he's bored, suggest that he help out around the house more in his spare time.

What do YOU do for fun? Do you have any time on your own, without kids, doing something you truly enjoy? You need to set it up pronto. He has his volunteer work and you should also have something fun.

Do you spend at least 15 hours of quality time together as a couple? It's important for married couples to stay connected, otherwise they can drift apart. By the time the kids grow up you hardly know each other anymore and resentments can build to an explosion. Remember, the kids will eventually grow up and move out. You will then be faced with the rest of your life with your husband.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Taking the babies to the doctor. Wish me luck! 

I'll be back to answer. Thanks so much everyone. I'm much calmer now.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Are you still breastfeeding? I know that can make things more complicated with finding childcare, since you'll really have to plan ahead with pumping. 



happy as a clam said:


> Annie,
> 
> Can you arrange childcare for the day of the field trip so you can attend with your daughter?
> 
> ...


:iagree: That can be an option. 

I know it's very frustrating that he is going back on his word, but you may not be able to change his mind. In that case, you can think of some ways to make it all work doing it on your own. I would still talk to him though about feeling abandoned. If you end up crying, so be it and let him see that. I think it's important that you let him see how hurt you feel.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Maybe I'm all wet but I don't think so. My post, #10, the one you didn't like, picked up 4 likes - ALL BY MEN I think. This thought is deep in his core, you need to understand it. If you want to change it you are going to have to talk to him, let him see you cry - that's OK! You need to get across that you are OK with some economic uncertainty if the trade off is more of his time. It is still going to be very hard for him. 

Or, if you just want confirmation that you are right to be pissed off just listen to the women since they all agree. Actually, we men seem to agree as well it just more along the lines of "guilty with an explanation"






AnnieAsh said:


> I said "Are you serious right now?" Mouth agape, I swear. He said "Yeah it'll be fine. Stop worrying."
> 
> When he tells me to stop worrying or stressing, that's it. I'm done. End of conversation. I gave him a kiss and said have a good night at work.
> 
> ...


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## BrokenVows (Oct 12, 2012)

Hi Annie! I went through PPD after my first child. The feelings you have of resentment are understandable. He gets to carry on with his life & go about freely while you are stuck at home having to juggle children's activities, school, housework, etc. 

Bottom line, he broke his promise. You need to let him know how you really feel and not let him laugh it off. He shouldn't have made a promise he couldn't keep. Find a way to convey it to him so he understands why the promise was made in the first place. Being bored isn't a good enough reason. I hope you're able to work it out (((hugs)))


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Hi Anon07! How's your little boy? Cute as ever?  

I am still breastfeeding but the doctor advised me to start more solids. That should give me a little more flexibility. She also told me to drop their one night feed. I might actually get a consolidated night of sleep! They one wake once but it's right at 330am and I have a heck of time trying to get back to sleep. 

Hi bbdad. He definitely feels like he shouldn't stagnate at work. I really do get it. I was the same when I worked. You working men have it hard to balance work AND family. I just don't want him to miss out on the twins like he did with the 2 older girls. Work supports the family. It shouldn't always supersede us.

I love and support my husband. All I wanted was some of the same back, you know? 

Yeah_Right lol I laughed at him helping out more in the house. He helps in his own way. On his days off he plays Dragon Age on the couch. I give him the babies and do chores. It's how I managed to organize and sort the kids' clothes! I don't have to stop to soothe a baby and he's logged like 100 hours of game time! :rofl:

We don't spend 15 hours a week together. I estimate it's around 10. The children have strict bedtimes and so on his nights off, we get about 3 hours together alone. 

We talked today. We plan on having a more in depth talk when we aren't rushing around. I will say he apologized to me which meant a lot. He copped to broken promise and said he had hoped to request more flexibility from the team and that's why he felt it was ok to put in for it. 

I know KNOW he loves us. I'm struggling mightily right now.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Job &gt; Family?*

I had to look up Dragon Age... Old guy here. The only time I play video games is when my oldest son gets tired of losing to online competitors and he needs to kick someone's ass, mine. Yes I mash buttons till my hands get tired. I don't even know the name of these games or the object. I'm more at home when I'm working out with the youngest in our home gym or helping out in coaching football or basketball. I go drill sergeant on him. 

So, this may not work with him, but in those moments when I let my wife down and we talk, she never just lets me apologize. She says, you did what you did, it is now time to figure out a way forward. I know for me (and my wife knows) apologies can be full of stuff that is code for, "yes I'm sorry now and in the future but I will continue what I'm doing and want you to accept it". Just a bit of what some guys will say, very little but means so much more. Maybe ask what he means by he is sorry in this context (his may mean something slightly different). I really hope you guys can work this out. 

I get the work thing, but now that my boys are older I get the family thing as well.


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## LanieB (Jan 22, 2013)

Hi, Annie!!

I don't know if I have much more to add that someone else hasn't already said. But definitely end the breastfeeding!! Good lord, woman, I can't believe you haven't officially lost your mind! Breastfeeding TWO babies for EIGHT months - all while taking care of two other kids??? Cray-zay!! 

Then I think you should start looking for a regular babysitter who can come maybe once or twice a week. Also, hire someone to clean your house. And during your "free time", you could take a kickboxing class. Or maybe go to a gun range . . . 

I know there are people out there who think having babies will make your marriage stronger, but it can actually be just the opposite. If only one parent is the full-time parent, every single day, every single hour of the day and night, it is VERY stressful. You're trying to deal with twin BABIES as well as two older kids who still need your attention. Plus, you have struggled with PPD. It's bad enough that your husband broke his promise, but to break that promise under these conditions makes it that much worse. As bad as I know you hate to do it, you MUST sit down and talk to him and let him know exactly how you feel. If he's laughing it off, then he clearly doesn't understand how desperate you feel about this.

I know he's a good guy, and you two will be able to work this out. (((HUGS))) sweetie!


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Man that would kill me to be in your shoes. I get your frustration. I am not a SAHM, but I have young kids and it's important to me that both Mom and Dad are equally involved in their lives. I feel lucky because my husband has been very on board with that. We both work the same regular shifts M-F too. 

It is a sacrifice for both of us professionally to do it this way. There are many functions I pass on, to the detriment of my career, to make sure I am home each week night with my kids. He does the same, although less so. We get in tiffs every now and then over it. 

My dream job would be to be a professional chef. I did not realize how much I would enjoy that career until I was done with college. I have an engineering degree. The biggest reason I will not even think about pursuing the chef thing is because the work hours are primarily nights and weekends and holidays. I would miss all of that time with my kids and my husband. No way. I will go sit at a desk and snore through my life to get a paycheck and be home with my family. 

Sorry you have to go through this. Money is important no doubt but it's not everything.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> I said "Are you serious right now?" Mouth agape, I swear. He said "Yeah it'll be fine. Stop worrying."
> 
> When he tells me to stop worrying or stressing, that's it. I'm done. End of conversation. I gave him a kiss and said have a good night at work.
> 
> ...


Bad bad bad. You hate crying in front of him? Honestly, that's one of my wife's keenest weapons, breaks through my shell pretty much no matter my condition (aka how angry I am). Be vulnerable in front of your husband, while telling him how much you need him to do the right thing to make you feel safe with him. 

Simply put, his behavior is terrible, and shows not only a lack of respect but a lack of morals where his word is concerned. "It will be fine?" Seriously? He also said "I won't do that". Point out the fact that you can't trust his words...


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

kag123 said:


> Man that would kill me to be in your shoes. I get your frustration. I am not a SAHM, but I have young kids and it's important to me that both Mom and Dad are equally involved in their lives. I feel lucky because my husband has been very on board with that. We both work the same regular shifts M-F too.
> 
> It is a sacrifice for both of us professionally to do it this way. There are many functions I pass on, to the detriment of my career, to make sure I am home each week night with my kids. He does the same, although less so. We get in tiffs every now and then over it.
> 
> ...


I managed a restaurant when we got together and that job supported us for 2 years. I could not IMAGINE going back to that. i worked essentially 7 days a week. 

I made that sacrifice for my husband and child at the time. It doesn't come naturally to him maybe? 


ET1SSJonota said:


> Bad bad bad. You hate crying in front of him? Honestly, that's one of my wife's keenest weapons, breaks through my shell pretty much no matter my condition (aka how angry I am). Be vulnerable in front of your husband, while telling him how much you need him to do the right thing to make you feel safe with him.
> 
> Simply put, his behavior is terrible, and shows not only a lack of respect but a lack of morals where his word is concerned. "It will be fine?" Seriously? He also said "I won't do that". Point out the fact that you can't trust his words...


Crying isn't a weapon though! My mother uses it as one and I HATE HATE HATE it. 

I have this unnatural fear of crying in front of him or anyone. I can count on both hands the number of times I have in all our years together. I don't want him thinking I am doing it to get my way. 

Hi BV! Hi Lanie! Missed you guys! Taking in all your words.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Is the fear of crying in front of him a fear of being vulnerable?

I agree with you that emotion can be used as a weapon, but you don't strike me as a manipulative person. You know that your motive is doing the best for your family. Sometimes husbands need to be reminded what that best is.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

AnnieAsh said:


> Hi Anon07! How's your little boy? Cute as ever?
> 
> I am still breastfeeding but the doctor advised me to start more solids. That should give me a little more flexibility. She also told me to drop their one night feed. I might actually get a consolidated night of sleep! They one wake once but it's right at 330am and I have a heck of time trying to get back to sleep.
> 
> ...


We're a mess here, with everyone being sick and our son teething horribly. He also bit his tongue really bad on Monday, so it's been a rough week so far, but we're hoping for everyone to be better soon. 

Congrats on breastfeeding twins for this long! I don't think I could do it, as I struggled with just my son. Glad to hear they're doing well and can have more solids as well. When they sleep through the night, it will be glorious. :rofl:

Hopefully you've had a chance to have a good talk with your husband. I wouldn't be afraid of letting him see you cry. I know I grew up in a family where we were never supposed to cry, so it's taken some time to learn to be okay with showing emotions. It's not a weapon, but part of letting out the stress/feelings. It's good to be vulnerable in front of your spouse. This is an agreement both of you made and he should see how you really feel.

There is the saying that some people live to work, while other work to live. I'd rather follow he latter part, as jobs and money can come and go, but you don't want to miss out on your family. Hopefully he can see that, as his kids and you need him.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Job &gt; Family?*

Sorry a bit of a detraction in the name of humor. So the areola region around the nipple is heavily pigmented, male and female. This is an evolutionary advantage for an infant whose eye development is capable of light and dark contrast over any detail. It allows breastfeeding infants to better find their target. Only problem, males present more of a decoy than anything else.

So one evening when my wife was busy cooking, I'm holding my infant son, no shirt on. I let him get too close to that dark target and he lunged for it. "Whoa now" I cried out, "nothing there for you". A lesson learned to keep my shirt on around breastfeeding babies.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

*Re: Job &gt; Family?*



Ikaika said:


> Sorry a bit of a detraction in the name of humor. So the areola region around the nipple is heavily pigmented, male and female. This is an evolutionary advantage for an infant whose eye development is capable of light and dark contrast over any detail. It allows breastfeeding infants to better find their target. Only problem, males present more of a decoy than anything else.
> 
> So one evening when my wife was busy cooking, I'm holding my infant son, no shirt on. I let him get too close to that dark target and he lunged for it. "Whoa now" I cried out, "nothing there for you". A lesson learned to keep my shirt on around breastfeeding babies.


No more shirtless talk, Ikaika. You already have the women here asking for pics...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

AnnieAsh said:


> It's been a long, long while since I've had to post about my marriage. Short version is we've been together for a decade, he's in LE, I stay home. we have a gaggle of kids, elementary school age and a set of 8 month old twins. Had a rough time 3 years ago but we've come a long way.
> 
> When we initially talked about having another baby, we made a deal that he would NOT put in for any voluntary details, shift changes, or job re assignments. Then we found out we were having twins I made him swear it in blood!
> 
> ...


I'm going to e honest here and call out my brother in blue a bit. He is making a choice not to be at home and be dad....and personally I think you need to call him on it.

I have almost 15 years in the business and in all that time I have had to work one, yes only one Christmas eve. I have never missed any other important holiday, kids birthday, nothing. Now this generally comes with some creative scheduling and turning down job assignments. I would love to work EOD or k9 for example but I don't want to live on a pager and miss moments with my kids.

Now in smaller agencies sometimes you Have no choice it's about the staffing. But if they have Union reps and compliance officers I'm gonna assume this is A med to large department like mine.

You need to hold him accountable for the deal you made in my opinon.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

He should read "Top Five Regrets of The Dying." Nobody on their deathbed ever says "I wish I had spent more time at the office." Career is such a hollow pursuit. There's nothing waiting at the end of it except a sheet cake and and an ushering out the door.

Sacrificing personal relationships for the pursuit of a career is one of the top regrets of the dying. Only when it's too late do they realize it.


http://www.amazon.com/Top-Five-Regr...682&sr=8-1&keywords=five+regrets+of+the+dying


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I have almost 15 years in the business and in all that time I have had to work one, yes only one Christmas eve. I have never missed any other important holiday, kids birthday, nothing. Now this generally comes with some creative scheduling and turning down job assignments. I would love to work EOD or k9 for example but I don't want to live on a pager and miss moments with my kids.


Kudos! We have a very close friend who works for the PD of a large US city (over 4 million people) and has chosen to stick to patrol for this same reason. He has pretty much regular hours and has learned to balance work and family over the years. It can be done if someone really WANTS to work on that balance.

We have another friend who works for the PD of a small, suburban town. He focused on work and was never home. His wife shocked us by leaving him for the next door neighbor. Our friend was crushed and admitted he was more "cop" than husband or father, and was regretful. Of course, that did not excuse his wife, but the person most hurt was their pre-teen daughter. Sad.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

yeah_right said:


> Kudos! We have a very close friend who works for the PD of a large US city (over 4 million people) and has chosen to stick to patrol for this same reason. He has pretty much regular hours and has learned to balance work and family over the years. It can be done if someone really WANTS to work on that balance.
> 
> We have another friend who works for the PD of a small, suburban town. He focused on work and was never home. His wife shocked us by leaving him for the next door neighbor. Our friend was crushed and admitted he was more "cop" than husband or father, and was regretful. Of course, that did not excuse his wife, but the person most hurt was their pre-teen daughter. Sad.


In my field if I wanted to be a traveling consultant I could literally quadruple my income but it would totally screw up work/life balance. Jobs are just jobs. Anyone who defines themself by their job has some personal issues to work on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can understand a wife /mother wanting her partner to stay at home more than be out earning more money.

When I think about it with my father, probably about one third of what he made was used to make his wider family happy ie, the children of his siblings. A few years before he died, he admitted that he was trying to buy his father's love.

I know somehow this sounds better than well, at least he wasn't spending on another woman and her family, but the net effect is that he wasn't much of a father, or at least a hands on father.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I'm going to e honest here and call out my brother in blue a bit. He is making a choice not to be at home and be dad....and personally I think you need to call him on it.
> 
> I have almost 15 years in the business and in all that time I have had to work one, yes only one Christmas eve. I have never missed any other important holiday, kids birthday, nothing. Now this generally comes with some creative scheduling and turning down job assignments. I would love to work EOD or k9 for example but I don't want to live on a pager and miss moments with my kids.
> 
> ...


How can I hold him accountable? This is what I hate about being a SAHM. I have no leverage. He holds so much power over me. I thank the Lord he isn't a spiteful or mean person. But he can be so oblivious to my feelings when he wants what he wants. 

He considers the matter closed. He went on the interview and said he was totally honest with the team leader about his home situation. I guess we will see.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> How can I hold him accountable? This is what I hate about being a SAHM. I have no leverage. He holds so much power over me. I thank the Lord he isn't a spiteful or mean person.


When did being a SAHM mean you become chattel? Or that your needs and desires depend on the whims or your overlord...I mean husband.

I have always had an outside job when raising my kids, so I may not understand how you feel. But I recall a time when the kids were tiny and H didn't pull his weight around the house. I wasn't good at telling him in a way he would understand (I do know now), so I simply stopped doing certain chores...cleaning bathrooms, floors and his laundry. I didn't say anything, just let it pile up. It was gross! Eventually he became disgusted and did them himself. After two hours of scrubbing a bathroom, he walked out and proclaimed that it was hard work and takes a long time. No sh!t sherlock! Anyway, he has helped me since then.

Until you change your basic mindset, your H is going to continue to walk all over you and do what he wants. You are equal partners in the marriage. Just because you are not a wage-earning partner does not mean you can't hold the other partner accountable! What if he beats you or the kids? Can you not hold him accountable? What if he becomes a serial cheater? Can you not hold him accountable?


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

*Re: Job &gt; Family?*



jld said:


> Is the fear of crying in front of him a fear of being vulnerable?
> 
> I agree with you that emotion can be used as a weapon, but you don't strike me as a manipulative person. You know that your motive is doing the best for your family. Sometimes husbands need to be reminded what that best is.


He has seen my mother in action. I worry that he'll think I'm just like her. I love my mother dearly but she has always been emotionally manipulative to get her way. She'll give you the shirt off her back. But she guilt-trips her family with tears. 



Anonymous07 said:


> We're a mess here, with everyone being sick and our son teething horribly. He also bit his tongue really bad on Monday, so it's been a rough week so far, but we're hoping for everyone to be better soon.
> 
> Congrats on breastfeeding twins for this long! I don't think I could do it, as I struggled with just my son. Glad to hear they're doing well and can have more solids as well. When they sleep through the night, it will be glorious. :rofl:
> 
> ...


Teething is such a difficult time. So is potty training lol. I want to skip right on past those milestones. I hope you guys feel better soon! Are you getting more sleep at night? Is he still waking up?

I'm slowly night-weaning. I am reducing their nursing time by a minute every 2 days. I just want a straight 8 hours of sleep!


Ikaika said:


> Sorry a bit of a detraction in the name of humor. So the areola region around the nipple is heavily pigmented, male and female. This is an evolutionary advantage for an infant whose eye development is capable of light and dark contrast over any detail. It allows breastfeeding infants to better find their target. Only problem, males present more of a decoy than anything else.
> 
> So one evening when my wife was busy cooking, I'm holding my infant son, no shirt on. I let him get too close to that dark target and he lunged for it. "Whoa now" I cried out, "nothing there for you". A lesson learned to keep my shirt on around breastfeeding babies.


We've had a few of those instances, mainly when they were smaller. But when they encountered the hairy nipples, they just looked shocked and a little repulsed. :rofl:


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

*Job &gt; Family?*



AnnieAsh said:


> We've had a few of those instances, mainly when they were smaller. But when they encountered the hairy nipples, they just looked shocked and a little repulsed. :rofl:



I'll have you know I don't have hairy nipple . Argh, genetics, come to find out, ladies like hairy chest.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

yeah_right said:


> When did being a SAHM mean you become chattel? Or that your needs and desires depend on the whims or your overlord...I mean husband.
> 
> I have always had an outside job when raising my kids, so I may not understand how you feel. But I recall a time when the kids were tiny and H didn't pull his weight around the house. I wasn't good at telling him in a way he would understand (I do know now), so I simply stopped doing certain chores...cleaning bathrooms, floors and his laundry. I didn't say anything, just let it pile up. It was gross! Eventually he became disgusted and did them himself. After two hours of scrubbing a bathroom, he walked out and proclaimed that it was hard work and takes a long time. No sh!t sherlock! Anyway, he has helped me since then.
> 
> Until you change your basic mindset, your H is going to continue to walk all over you and do what he wants. You are equal partners in the marriage. Just because you are not a wage-earning partner does not mean you can't hold the other partner accountable! What if he beats you or the kids? Can you not hold him accountable? What if he becomes a serial cheater? Can you not hold him accountable?


Haha my people hate being chattel. 

Really, we don't fight much. We agree on how to raise our kids. We have similar politics. Money has never been much of a sticking point for us. 

So when we have an actual HUGE conflict, I don't know what to do. I've learned in the past, he will agree to my face then do what he wants anyway. Then, I can react one of two ways: I can go total b!tchcakes or I can just accept it. 

He's not the stereotypical passive aggressive person. He doesn't intentionally spite me. He's not vengeful. It's almost like he just won't accept conflict. He won't argue. But he damn well is going to do what he wants. 

Arguing, screaming, discussing, crying, begging...it doesn't make a difference to him.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Would you say you feel "alone and abandoned but married"?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

*Re: Job &gt; Family?*



AnnieAsh said:


> How can I hold him accountable? This is what I hate about being a SAHM. I have no leverage.


You can still hold him accountable for his actions as a SAHM. You both have made a promise/deal on how things go. He works the job he has and you do your job at home. As someone else mentioned, since he wants to do his own thing at work, you can do your own thing at home. Is it the best way to go about things? Maybe not, but it does get the point across easily. It wasn't until I left my husband alone with our son for more than half the day, while expecting chores and dinner to be made that he really understood how difficult it is. When he didn't help with chores, I stopped doing some of them. It opened his eyes to just how much I do every day and we haven't had that issue since. Sometimes talking about it isn't enough to get the point across, so the next step has to be taken. 




AnnieAsh said:


> Teething is such a difficult time. So is potty training lol. I want to skip right on past those milestones. I hope you guys feel better soon! Are you getting more sleep at night? Is he still waking up?
> 
> Thanks.
> 
> ...


:iagree: My son's reaction paired with my husband's shocked face of our son trying to latch onto him was priceless. I laughed so hard I cried and my husband kept telling me to stop and take our son back because he didn't want to hold him anymore. Good times.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

AnnieAsh said:


> Haha my people hate being chattel.
> 
> Really, we don't fight much. We agree on how to raise our kids. We have similar politics. Money has never been much of a sticking point for us.
> 
> ...



There's a good discussion in the men's section right now concerning walk away wives. The thread goes off track quite a bit with cheating stuff (because TAM), but there are good points from men on how to talk to them. Lots of talk about using proverbial 2x4's. You have to talk to him in a way he understands. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/253361-why-women-leave-men-they-love.html


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

*Job &gt; Family?*



AnnieAsh said:


> Arguing, screaming, discussing, crying, begging...it doesn't make a difference to him.


ANNIE!!!! I miss you! 

You need some help communicating. What about a PowerPoint and I'm not joking. Seriously I think you are right don't cry, leave emotions out of it. Make it cut and dry. 

1) A promise was made to prioritize me and the kids. 

2) you broke the promise

3) Your actions prove, you are not a man of your word. 

4) You proved that you are not capable of making your family the priority over your job related wants even for a short time. I cannot count on you.

Just need to clarify this is how I now view you now. Please take note that my view of you will factor into future decisions and I am harboring some resent over your unilateral choices that effect our marriage. 

You get the idea but I would tackle it head on and write my bullet points out so the thoughts and feeling are expressed. I know you said he already put the wheels in motion to do what he wants but he should know that it came at an expense to you, the kids and your marriage.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Annie, I just found this thread. How's it going now? Anything change in the last week?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Oh Annie, I am sorry you are in this situation. I only have one kid and I too get to the point where I am frustrated and have to threaten Mr. Mable with throwing myself off two steps if he doesn't step in.

Your job never ends, you don't get to check out for a few hours a day like he does. 

I hope things get better soon, you do need to have a discussion now about how you feel and that you can't do it all. 

Hugs.


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