# I am new and i need advice



## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

I will pour it out as i am in need of some help and have tried everything. Myself and my wife have went through some difficult times in regards to my daughter who was molested by my dad, case is over, he went to jail, just got out. After all the court stuff she had issues in december, she went to the docs and they said she was bipolar went on meds, then stopped them because she said it was just stress. we have been married almost 2 years and she is not affectionate, we have had sex 3 times this year and any huging or kissing i have had to initiate and she doesn't want it much. our relationship is good, we talk. laugh etc. but when the talk of intimacy arrises she explodes with rage. She has said it is because she isn't happy with her looks, stress with my daughter etc. I bust my ass around the house and make sure that as much stress and work i can take off of her the better.
But i have an issue with lack of affection, i know woman are going to say it's sex, but i have made numerous romantic gestures, candle light, dinner, baths, with no pushing about sex and nada. She tells me she will come get it when she wants it and meanwhile i have two hands (pretty cold) since all i want is to be close to my wife and feel loved and that connection.
I do not try and push her at all, have only talked about it maybe 4 times this year with the same bad result, her saying she feels put down. I love her dearly and will never leave her, i just need to figure out how to do romantic things or whatever without her always saying i am romantic because she feels the end result is me getting sex.
Very difficult time dealing with the fact she has no libido at all as she has said, it started after her tubes where tied, than the child issue came, and now i want to be close and i have no idea how to truly show her i love her and get that intimacy i so desire with my wife. 
thanks in advance


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Drag her to counseling! Have you talked to her doctor? Don't do the ultimatum yet, though.


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

lets forget about the bipolar, a womans insight might be good as to understanding lack of libido and how or if you can help it back or if it is an underlying physical or mental condition. I understand she loves me i just want our marriage to be as good as possible


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I don't think you can forget about the bipolar. Or depression (which, btw would be one swing in a bipolar person).

If she is bipolar, whether on meds or not, then the hormonal imbalances will affect her libido, and response during sex.

If she is depressed, and the total lack of affection would go along with that, then that hits the libido hard as well. Unfortunately so do anti-depressants.

The thing is, if it *is* a medical problem, then it will most likely need a medical solution.

Lop a good dose of the situation with your father, and daughter, on top of that.

She doesn't blame you does she? For what happened? She might still have a lot of issues around that to work through.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Also, a tubal ligation is most likely not a contributing factor in her change in libido.
from Does Tubal Ligation Change a Woman's Libido? - January 15, 2003 - American Family Physician


> Data were available on 4,576 women for two years following planned interval tubal ligation. The majority (75 percent) were 35 years or younger, had completed high school (82.8 percent), were married (63.9 percent), and were white non-Hispanic (65.8 percent). Sexual interest was reported to be unchanged by 80 percent of women. Overall, 18.3 percent reported increased sexual interest, with the greatest increase reported by white women (20.1 percent) and those who had attended college (20.4 percent). *Decreased sexual interest was reported by 1.7 percent of all respondents*, with the highest rates among women who had never married (4.2 percent) and those with fewer than 12 years of formal education (4.2 percent).


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

No she doesn't blame that on me, just at the beginning that i should have "noticed it" sooner etc. She was 3! She does and says she has depression was on lithium and man not sexually but mood wise she was alot better, not that bad right now, but she said never and i mean never to bring it up again! To add to that her dad has bad cancer going through chemo. Just want her to be happy with me and i'm lost? Yes she has alot in her brain but we can not control what is dished out to us from above, we can only look at the plate and eat a little at a time and not forget why we are eating, to live! ?/&%@


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Just a different perspective.....have you considered that she has had this reaction to "sex" because of your daughter's molestation. I mean....from some one who kinda understands...it sounds like sex in gerenral makes her sick and I kinda can see why.

There may be quilt that sex is 'dirty' because of what your daughter went through. She may be unable to separate herself from what the child probably experiences....women sometimes have trouble separating themselves from their children.....it's natural.
But not healthy in this case.

If she is on meds....that probably makes her desire even worse. and from personal experience....the meds sometimes make things worse. It can actually make you appathetic......and then you don't care about anything.

Sure...it isn't your fault...but you vowed to love her through things like this.....and it's unfair. She also made that vow....but she is the one who is "sick".....or "messed up"....or what ever techincal word you want to use. It isn't fair....it isn't fair what happened to your daughter or that anyone suffers....but it is the hand you have been delt for now.

In time ....she may be able to fix this...with your help. But I definately agree that counseling is a must for her and for you....but the kind of counseling that gets to the root of her problem....not just doctors the symptoms. You can't fix a car if you just keep putting gas in it and tellin it to "go", can you. You have to know what is causing the shut down. 

Think about what I said......like I mentioned...I know from personal experience.

Good luck and hang in there.....tomorrow is another day.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm going to sound like a broken record, but the bipolar/depression issue is going to be a barrier to sexual desire. Unless she will seek treatment, and work with her physician to manage the sexual side effects of her treatment.

Depression and Sexual Desire - August 15, 2000 - American Family Physician



> Patients with major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder have an even higher prevalence of sexual dysfunction, including lowered libido, than the general population.





> Regardless of the cause-and-effect relationship, depression and decreased libido are associated, and the treatment of one condition may improve the other.


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

she has severed all ties to her doctor and councelor, no meds at all stopped em cold turkey. She laughed because she told me the pdoc told her that she scared him because of her attitude and continued thoughts of suicide since she was young and that she has anxiety, panic attacks and ocd, but you can't tell because on the outside she seems really together. Getting help for any mental issues is not an option. she said she could manage her depression before she met me by locking herself in her room for days.
She isn't whacked, she is just at times noticeably depressed or angry at the world and she as per her folks has been like that for a very long time.
It is her stepdaughter and i have thought about what you said denise, however since the court stuff has been over she views our daughter as a moron. she pushes her learning and behavior to the extreme and lacks completely any affection now except for a couple days a month where the real her comes out and she enjoys her.
I am not like other men, i honor my vows and will be as i have told her, by her side forever, i just want myself and my wife to be close and loving and waiting and waiting without visible improvement sucks!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Okay...you might not want to hear this one...but seeing as your last post was pretty clear.....She needs some really tough love. This isn't healthy for your daughter. 

So she is the step mother and she is being hard on your daughter for wha? views her as a moron? That is a deal breaker there.....this child deserves more than that. Vows or no vows, a sick person who won't get help should not be around a three year old or five year old or even a fifteen year old. Idk how old your daughter is now but she has been through too much to be treated like that.

You seem like a caring devoted man. You can't change this woman....and she is seriously on the verge of collapsing. You do not...DO NOT want to err on the side of it happening with your child. and a few days a month are not worth the other twentysomething that she isn't nice. How you treat other adults is one thing but....children are an entirely different story.

Protect your daughter from this. If she isn't willing to get help....then you need to seriously think about "giving her some space". She may never get help....and I don't blame her for not wanting to deal with doctors or meds....but she sounds so unstable that it might get dangerous. Plus coming on and off of meds can have some dangerous side effects.

I do think it's ultimatum time.....get help or leave. Tough love....she is an adult...your daughter is not.

I don't mean any of this in a disrespectful way at all. I really feel for you......just consider it. 

Take care...God bless. keep posting.


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## LaBella (Mar 9, 2009)

DeniseK said:


> Okay...you might not want to hear this one...but seeing as your last post was pretty clear.....She needs some really tough love. This isn't healthy for your daughter.
> 
> So she is the step mother and she is being hard on your daughter for wha? views her as a moron? That is a deal breaker there.....this child deserves more than that. Vows or no vows, a sick person who won't get help should not be around a three year old or five year old or even a fifteen year old. Idk how old your daughter is now but she has been through too much to be treated like that.
> 
> ...


:iagree: My D is 11 and has gone thru sexual abuse in the past few months, (her school teacher abuse her), and with what I have been thru with her, I have learn my D needs ME, my help, understanding, love and above all, support. She felt bad when she tought her Daddy blamed her for what had happen, he had to actually talk to her and make her see that he did not. Your D is too young and needs your Love, and support, if your wife is so sick and treats your D as a moron, then she needs help.

Is your D going to counseling?, she might be young but this things stay with the person forever and with your wife's treatment to add to everything elese she really needs to go to counseling, to a counselor that specializes in CSA and can help her with that and the other issues.

As for your wife, give an ultimatum ,either you get yourself together find a counselor or we will leave, you and your daughter cannot live in this environment anymore. If she does not want to go, then leave even if it is for a few weeks so she can see that you are serious about it.

Good Luck


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

purple, I know you aren't getting the kind of advice you hoped to.

But the bottom line is that your wife is ill. She needs help. You wouldn't put a bandaid on her broken leg and expect her to walk. You can't act differently around her and expect her to get better either.



> Getting help for any mental issues is not an option.


I has to be an option, because that is what she needs to get better. If she won't do it herself, then you will have to help. That's your job as her husband.



> she said she could manage her depression before she met me by locking herself in her room for days.


This isn't managing depression. This is letting depression control her. Seriously...the woman needs help.



> she views our daughter as a moron. she pushes her learning and behavior to the extreme and lacks completely any affection now except for a couple days a month where the real her comes out and she enjoys her.


Her illness is affecting your daughter, and hasn't she been through enough already? Your wife is ok a couple days a month? That is a good sign that with the proper treatment she can be like that all the time. Get her help.



> I am not like other men, i honor my vows and will be as i have told her, by her side forever, i just want myself and my wife to be close and loving and waiting and waiting without visible improvement sucks!


Great! You won't leave. Now stop enabling her. She is sick, and she won't get better by waiting. Stop waiting, start helping! Get her to treatment.


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

ok it's not as bad as you are all making it out, i was just originally trying to find out what would releve stress and what woman thought would be nice if romantic gestures didn't work. Trying to get her out of the mindset that if we are intimate it is for me or if i do something romantic it is because i want something. I want to make her feel good and somehow connect as i say on a more intimate level. Got the message on the depression stuff thank you, but she is alot better than at the beginning of the year when she had her breakdown, kid is not being hurt in anyway she just acts distant at times from either her or me. So woman give me an idea of a "no money expended" kinda still payin for legal stuff, thoughtful gesture that could be done, as i have said before i have made her bubble baths with candles and flowers and wine, lighted candles making a path to the backyard campfire, candlelight and dinner and i dress up (she says it just makes more laundry for her when i dress up for no reason) soft music when she comes home, etc. Need ideas
that might work, thanks


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Wow, your wife has a lot of pressure on her! Between extreme life pressures and her depression it’s understandable as to why she has such a low libido, it seems like you agree with that and truly want to help her. The fact of the matter is that you can’t help her until you understand and accept the situation that she truly is ill. 

I know you don’t want to hear that again so I will tell you that if doing all of these things for her (baths, candlelight dinners, etc.) isn’t working maybe you need to change things up and play hard to get. Still be the loving husband you are but let her take the first step towards anything romantic whatsoever, wait as long as it takes and let her have control of that area of your lives. 

That said, I really don’t think this or anything you do will achieve the desired results because she needs more help than you yourself can ever provide. At the very least she may need counseling just to deal with your daughter’s molestation and her father’s illness.


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

wants, i understand. I just want to put that chapter behind us and enjoy what we have now, as for her father, it has been going on for some time and getting worse every month, decided after stage 3 cancer he wanted chemo and not thinkin the prognosis is to good.
I know there is stress, i do want to be able to at times put that aside and live for now, people are different and what i am hearing is that there is nothing special or different for her that i can do to make her realize how i love her and also need her in at times. I will continue to be patient.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

The issue with her father will be ongoing and I can tell you she won’t be able to put that behind her for quite a while, she’s losing her dad. How often do you two talk about these stresses? How often do you ask her about her day and really listen/communicate? Working through problems/stresses with your wife will help to build an emotional connection which may help loosen up her physical desires. I still think she needs more than this but it would be a start.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Sounds like you are in denial. It's common. Trust me.....I know about denial. Some of us out here have delt with similar things....and different things. 

It isn't going to get better by you being romantic or nice or anything like that. You are doing all you can.....don't you understand that.

I want this to work for you....and that is why I am telling you this....out of care for your well being......Stop denying that this is serious. It is serious. And she has to have help. Reread what you wrote......was it all true? Really? Cause if it is....then you are in denial. If it isn't.....then why would you post it?

I think it's all true....I think you are frustrated to the point of breaking...and you should be. And If you do love her...which it sounds like you do....then do her the biggest favor you can.....GET HER SOME HELP.

No you can't make her....but you can make her make that decision. You ( and getting help) or no you.....and no help.

Just think about it....and I certainly don't want to offend you...as you seem to be a genuine person with a rough situation. Take care.....


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

purple said:


> I know there is stress, i do want to be able to at times put that aside and live for now, people are different and what i am hearing is that there is nothing special or different for her that i can do to make her realize how i love her and also need her in at times. I will continue to be patient.


I tend to be on the depressed side. my H was a lot like you; always trying to get me to change. he would do things for me and get disappointed when i didnt change, or when he couldnt make me happy. 

so i told him- this is me. im not going to change. if you wanted someone bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl, or if you wanted whatever picture you've painted in your head, then leave and find that. 

i mean think about it, how depressing would it be for you if someone was constantly telling you you needed to change? constantly telling you, you arent good enough, you need to be someone else and im going to make you be that person. the pressure to change is enough to cause the depression.

i know that's not your intention. but believe me, that is how it comes off. 

Your wife has always been this way- she will always be this way. you will only make things worse by trying to change her. 

focus on yourself. be happy yourself, live how you want to live, and let her be who she is.


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## purple (Jul 28, 2009)

blanca, yep heard that, and no i don't push anymore, i would like to feel affection intimatly but when she wants to i guess she will(she said that). my question to you is did you realize your husbands needs? did it make you upset because you weren't intimate with him and did it make you feel badly? and what did you do to find common ground in that area with him. Yes we communicate well we talk about everything and all else is well and getting better all the time. I just would like that physical connection with her because it is wonderful when we do. It isn't the act, it is the emotion that is with the one you love during that moment that i want and miss and it is hard for me to put what i feel aside for this long. That is why i was wondering how i might intise the situation while being thoughtfull of her feelings, because it seems to be our only issue really.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

purple said:


> my question to you is did you realize your husbands needs?


ya, i know what his needs are. but his needs often conflict with mine, and so i choose mine over his. he does feel neglected and lonely a lot.



purple said:


> did it make you upset because you weren't intimate with him and did it make you feel badly?


well, ya, but that was his choice. he doesnt want to be intimate. he just likes to hug and kiss with no real intimacy. i dont want to hug and kiss if nothings going to come of it. so i dont hug or kiss him anymore. i hardly touch him. its really hard on him. 



purple said:


> and what did you do to find common ground in that area with him.


fight, mostly. we havent found common ground when it comes to intimacy. 

It sounds like, as far as the intimacy issue goes, im more in your shoes. my h never wants sex. ive told him if things dont improve then i'll leave. i told him tonight that i have an exist time and if things dont improve by then i'll have to leave. i can only have babies to a certain age and i certainly wont have babies in a relationship im not completely satisfied with. this is what i told him. so as you can see, if you are looking for a gentle approach, im probably not the one to ask. im pretty straight forward and blunt about it.


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