# Privacy. I know it, you know it, but them???



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Here I am post discovery of an EA. 
Theres been no communication about this after I moved out, moved back in, and told her I would forgive.
But of course, I feel like I did myself a disservice by doing so as quickly as I did.
I want to know if he is still contacting her, or vice versa.
I want to know if there is anyone else.
So many questions, but she is in no way communicative about anything.
Dare I scratch off the scab.,, that may very well float me away with what flows from the wound?
I would like to hear from TwotimeLoser in regards to how he approached the "invasion of privacy" argument. It appears the willingness to divorce has to be valid and ready. I get that. I guess what I am asking is how you go about changing that attitude about privacy? Ive already told her that secrecy is what it is, not privacy, and if she had nothing to hide or be secret about what would be the big deal. I then got a text saying she was done, and that she couldnt live with the lack of trust or having me check up on her. She took ownership of ruining the trust, but then acted like she would rather end our marriage than offer transparency. We do have a kid, so I am trying to get her duncecap off, but it doesnt look like she is wired that way. So it pretty much meant the end of our marriage. Did I just answer my own question, or is there a way to get her to understand the need for transparency?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, she's in the fog. I got this reaction also. Basically, call her bluff, if it is one. Say.." you know what? That's the best advise I heard from you yet!"

You may have moved too fast. Seems like she has all the behaviors of still being in the FOG. Reconciliation isn't supposed to be one way, so if she agreed to it, but isn't doing any of the work, then that's a big red fog flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Did she do anything to actually earn your forgiveness, or did you just freely give it. Seems like you gave away a get out of jail free card.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Why the F did YOU move out? Dude, those are textbook reactions from a cheater. My wife said all the same ****. "I don't care if our marriage works or not." Whatever, I did the 180 and already see the **** crawling back. It's all lies, bro. You can't believe anything someone is saying if they're in the fog...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think I did give away a get of jail free card. In a sense I thought I was still proving my willingness to trust her, with nads the size of raisins, and the whole thing seeming to be falling down around me at the moment. Now I see it as a rash movement to try to catch some of the pieces as they fell. I have to say the more I think about it the more I gave her the pants to wear. But now I am completely in the dark about it everything. Shes the type that will throw the baby out with the washwater, without even thinking about it. I think this conclusion of her nature by me, is what is imprisoning. Knowing that the only answer is to end it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The 13th_Floor said:


> Why the F did YOU move out? Dude, those are textbook reactions from a cheater. My wife said all the same ****. "I don't care if our marriage works or not." Whatever, I did the 180 and already see the **** crawling back. It's all lies, bro. You can't believe anything someone is saying if they're in the fog...


I moved out for all of 3 days. (really showed my stuff there, eh? )
Being that I cant afford the house by myself, its in both of our names at the mortgage co., and her mother lives there too, maybe "they" could flip it if i short sold the house to my wife. 
I was thinking way too far ahead while pissed and worrying about uprooting the kid we have. :scratchhead:


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

BTW thanks for your responses. 
Could there be a post somewhere that would show a good way to approach the issue of getting her to give me the password to her cell phone and cell phone account online. Yes I plan on checking up on her, but then again, a lot of that seems like I should just say fk-it and go find someone I dont have to snoop on.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Um, yea, I think they call it the "sticky note at the top of this thread." Posted by Affaircare, I reccon. Dude, it's like the perfect advice for your situation. 

Find someone you don't have to snoop on? Ugh, that's no fun. It's also not what you really want now is it? You want your wife more than any other person on this planet right now and you know it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I would like to hear from TwotimeLoser


You know you could always send him a private message? 


In the meantime, your W is only willing to do things on _her terms_. Move the bullsh*t aside, You _know_ what that means.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah, I do want the wife. The sticky has a very piercing caveat at the end. #3 Is where I think we are stuck. The "working on it". You know, weve gone out more, (me spending $$) and have established the need to do more, but theres not been any real openness about the issue. Not that I want to scratch at it, but I need to get the ball rolling about the transparency, and was trying to figure out now that things have calmed down, how to approach the issue. Since theres been some signs of the anger and defensiveness winding down, I dont want to just up and "look here B&tch, Gimme those passwords, or Im outta here, and you can pay me!!!!"
I think shes actually sort of backed against the cliff edge, like a person looking to jump, and Im still trying to get her to step back away from it.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Yeah, I do want the wife. The sticky has a very piercing caveat at the end. #3 Is where I think we are stuck. The "working on it". You know, weve gone out more, (me spending $$) and have established the need to do more, but theres not been any real openness about the issue. Not that I want to scratch at it, but I need to get the ball rolling about the transparency, and was trying to figure out now that things have calmed down, how to approach the issue. Since theres been some signs of the anger and defensiveness winding down, I dont want to just up and "look here B&tch, Gimme those passwords, or Im outta here, and you can pay me!!!!"
> I think shes actually sort of backed against the cliff edge, like a person looking to jump, and Im still trying to get her to step back away from it.


She'll jump, I promise you this, but what you don't know is that there's a cord attached to her... It looks so bad and you'll actually feel bad for HER doing something wrong. Later on, she'll come to her senses granted you follow the rules to saving your marriage after the affair. If you don't, she'll keep jumping off the cliff, and you'll keep catching her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

For me the deal breaker wasn't so much the sleeping araound (if you know my store you'll get that), but the tranceperancy that I needed to impliment the change that I was looking for in my life and in my marraige. Her privacy was lost do to her cheating. If that makes sense, mabye I should have said it the other way around.

But my point is I can forgive her for cheating but the deal breaker and the cause of a devorce would be her lack of tranceperancy.

It was my wife that said she would do anything so #1 she lost her privacy. There was no way I was going to stick around enless I had all access to her. Why bother working on the marraige if you can't validate her commitment.

Hell know I don't trust her and have told her so,alot. I dont control her but I control my boundries and the "any thing" that she speaks of is exactly that, loss of privacy. That and accountablity, she has asked what it will take to regain my trust and those are the two important things that prevent me from leaving and trusting her again. I need to know everything.

So screw this whole idea of trust in the marraige, that sh*t flew out the window when she cheated and wanted to stay with me. She could have left. 

I can only trust through validation and confirmation. It was never like that before ,but now it is...she hates it but thats the only thing that will keep me around...that and her affaection.

Before all you folks go off on the "must be trust for the marraige to work" thing, I have to say she has the responsiblity to regain it, and she is doing a awsome job and for that I have taken the preverbal leash off and have given her more slack. So go easy...I'm healing and trust is growing...very quickly for that matter.

She has excepted this consequence and I in turn have the responsablity to except her efforts. Now on the other hand if reciepts aren't turned in, passwords are changed, she's unaccounted for, and she's hiding things I see no reason to stick around and share her. 

Not so much advise but just a perspective to share.

There should be nothing to hide so why to these DS fight for there privacy after such a betrayal? It makes no sense at all.
Its plain back @ss backwards. Why do DS even metion the word trust and expect it.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I agree guy, we had a "flare up" my W wants her own phone line so she can control it several times I have said fine move out then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Thats the issue Guy, she acts as if its my own problem not to immediately give trust again. Even tonite shes starting to show signs of being more clingy to her iphone. I could start a real show by asking for the password, but right now im finding myself in limbo, halfway. Fact is, shes not going to move out, and I dont want to go anywhere either. I cannot force her to give me the passwords, and then spend time snooping just to see if shes in contact. Some of the things shes doing seem to indicate a renewed interest in "us" but then again it could all be smoke and mirrors. Ive GOT to give her the talk about transparency and yielding the info, but its going to go very badly, and she does not possess the intelligence or mentality to even consider such a thing as an emotional affair existing. Its like I have to convince her what shes done is "Wrong", and even thats going to be a disaster. Do I want to even try? Sometimes I think a lawyer is the first place to start. I know full well that every word out of my mouth will be refuted and given all of 3 seconds consideration before defensiveness and ignorance takes ahold, and after that even breathing her direction is useless.
I know her too well, which is the point of having such difficulty with it. Maybe having a professional say it would bring about more consideration, but gee,, so much for self respect.


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## once_bitten (Mar 28, 2011)

I've explained it to my husband when he said he didn't want to lose me, "you've already lost me. You have to decide what you're willing to do to get me back." Her is still out of the house and the therapist has given me homework to write down what my conditions are, absolute minimum, what will it take to get him back in the house? Not as easy as it sounds because I know at this point he'll do anything. I think it just takes time for us to see real sincerity. To know that the promises are not out of despiration. In the meantime I've gotten a little selfish. I've made plans for what I want to do not with the marriage, our with the family, but with me and I told simebody my goal so if I don't follow through I have an accountability partner of my own to help me accomplish this. 

Maybe the same will work for you. Have in writing what it will take. The very least that you require. She made the decision on her own to cheat, she can decide if she is willing to do what it takes to stay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I see this in my wife sometimes, She seee my forgiveness as if I'll do anything to stay so when BS start to come out of her mouth I reidirate my stance in that it is her choice to stay or leave and give up. My boundries and especially my boundries with transperentcy are non neigogable. This is the new me and I can no longer trust. My wife has made the choice to stay with a untrusting husband knowing that she was the cause.

So sometime you have to rinse and repeap. What ever comes out of Mrs Shooboomufoo's mouth is not the point so repeat our point again and again.

I think she believes you don't want to loose her there by giving her control. If you dare and I know you don't want to loose her, you may want to change her belief by asking her to leave. I mean how much can you live with when you have no validation of her commitment to you other then her word and as history has shown her word does not mean much.

Getting the perseption that you no long want to be with someone who is so sercretive and has in the past betrayed you, and that forgivness is hard to swallow. Getting her to believe that you do not need this kind of grief and are willing to let go of her is risky and dangerous b/c there is a strong possiblity that she will leave.

You are managing a fine line between pushing her or keeping her. For me I took the biggest gamble in my life and forced the issue, having excepted the fact that she will leave I felt I had nothing to loose so made my demands and low and behold she submitted and it paid off.

Only you can come to the conclusion on how much you can push her before she does the worst and leave. For some folks its a good thing to push that tells alot by the DS commitment on the marraige. Its a good thing to push them out, if they really want to stay the will do the heavy lifting, it can back fire but atleast you know were they stand.

Most of the time the DS leaves but in rare cases the DS stays and the shift in power moves infavor of the LS.

If you except a half @ss commitment from your wife then don't push her and except the fact that you will except her secrets as long as she doesn't leave you and in the near future her behavior will continue, and you will soon get fed up and then make a stand knowing that the stand will cause your cheating spouse to leave and you will be better off for it, b/c it takes two for it to work.

My point is she has not felt any consequences, why should she, in her mind she has done nothing wrong and you have tolorated her behavior in fear of losing her.

Now if you get her thinking that she will lose you and if the only thing keeping you around is if she owns her bad behavior and is transperent then again the power has shifted. Be warned standing up to her can cause her to leave put with her attidude I see her cheating again and you will want her to leave some where down the road any way. 

To sum it up she has you by the balls knowing you want her more then any thing, and that is bad.


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