# Final nail in the coffin



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

He says he thinks we should not be married anymore.

He says he has not been happy for most of our marriage and the last few years have been unbearable.

He doesn't think anything can be changed or fixed.

He is going to get his own apartment so he can have overnight visitations with our child.

I feel like a part of my soul has been taken away. I am so sad.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Oh, honey. My heart goes out to you.

I'm scared too. Most of us are.

I'm finding strength in the people on this forum. You're not alone. I'm not alone.

Find something (healthy) for yourself that you can get a little pleasure from. It's small, but for that short time it's a distraction from the crippling fear and sadness. I know when I think too much in a crisis, I end up giving myself a panic attack.

We all do what we can each day. And right now I wish you all of God's strength and love.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Muppets said all that I was going to say. All of us here have been or are in the same place you are. My husband said almost all the same things yours did and it broke my heart. Take each day one hour, one minute at a time, that's all you can do. Give him his space. Take care of yourself and your child. You (we all) WILL get through this. It DOES get better as time goes by. My husband asked for a divorce on June 20, moved out on July 22nd (the day before our 23rd anniversary). My days have gotten better. I'm not a blubbering mess all the time, although I do still have my days. Look to God for strength too. Find a support group in your area. Come here often, these people are a great support system as well.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Thanks, justabovewater. You've got WAY more experience than I do.

Oh, and once you get yourself into a place where you can emotionally handle it, read some stories on here. It's good perspective. I'm a young man and I have found out some pretty interesting things about myself by just reading other people's stories. It's always good to learn through others. That's what makes this forum so wonderful. It's supportive. It can be hard at times, and make you take a real tough look at yourself. (I know that I've made a few discoveries about my ability to be strong) One day at a time is the only way we CAN take it. If we think of the future any more than that, we'll go crazy. Most people are too smart for their own good. I do not doubt that this is true for you, as well.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

You have gotten some strong words of wisdom. And it is all true. Life is not fair, but it is still good. Harsh words only mask something else deeper. Your H is not sharing what really happened to him in the relationship and at this point, it does not matter. You can not change things, these are his issues. I am sure you did what you knew to do, and that is all you can do...any of us. Don't let him think he is holding all the power in his hands, you state what you feel too, and be through with it. Try not to dwell on the negatives, just keep it moving forward. Time is the great healer, that and steadfast prayer. I will hold you up in prayerand you do the same for me ;o)


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

He also added that he thought we made a mistake getting married.

Then he says he still loves me. wth?

These words injure my entire being. I cannot begin to explain how I feel. Just empty. I have been tossed aside. My heart breaks for my little one. Just tears me apart.

I have never felt like this before...


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I went to a therapist after my H left, and she got me to understand that him leaving had very little to do with me. I had nothing to be ashamed or embarassed about,even though we were only married two years in July. I felt and still feel the sting sometimes on how could someone who we said we loved each other and who I had helped so much could do me as dirty as to leave me while I was at work, but he could and he did and I am still here and like Maya Angelou says "Still I Rise"


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

sorry to hear about this BBT. Like hnh said it probably has more to do with him than it does with you. Do you know if there is someone else involved? 

HNH I know how you feel my marriage was not long lived but I put my whole being into it and never would have thought she would do that to me but she did but I am still standing and will be stronger. 

BYB I dont know how people say they love you and then do these types of things it does not make sense at all. Some people just cannot be in a commited realationship period. I will pray for you.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I know - is he trying to stick the knife in deeper with the "I love you's)?

Forgot to add we have started marriage counselling but jeez... what sense is there to continue. He's made up his mind.

He tells me all the time "I don't want to hurt you".

How cruel.


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

I am going through the exact same thing you are going through now, except we do not have a child. All the words that have been said to you have been said to me as well. I think it was a mistake to get married, I don't think that we have a future together, I don't love you, I do love you, I don't love you enough, I want to work on our marriage, I don't want to work on our marriage, the list goes on..... He has been gone two months now and we are in counseling. At times I just don't know how I can go on, the pain is numbing and the depression intense. I had so many hopes and dreams for our future that are just crushed now. And facing the possibility of starting all over, yet again, in my mid-40s. I am finding it hard to believe that I will ever, ever be able to believe or trust in anyone again. I hope we can pull through this, but I guess I have serious doubts. He is so emotionally out of touch and immature as well. I really feel for you because for me personally, this has been the most painful experience of my life. I wish I had good advice for you, but I don't even know what to do myself. Just try to wake up each day and make it through and hope that the next will be better.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

BBT,

Sorry you are here....Keep strong. It may seem daunting sometimes, but you will make it through...Regardless of the outcome of counseling....use it to get answers for yourself..Even if you think " whats the point " its never over until it over...

I personally went to counseling last year with the same thought process...confused, scared, wanting to love my wife with everything but in a real tough spot thinking it was over...I didn't think we were going to get anywhere.....I was wrong.

I turned myself around 100% and found out things about myself and my spouse that still help me to this day....Unfortunately for me she went down a path that has led us to split since...

Willow,

I too have the same thoughts as you...I will be 41 next month and wonder about my future...I hope to find love and to be able to trust again....I have learned soo much and have so much to give....time will tell...
Each day is different...I sometimes feel like Im fine then the next day..I miss her like nothing I have ever experienced before...
Things will get better...We just gotta believe


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

Forever learning,
I am trying to believe it will get better, but right now it seems as though it never will. I guess maybe someday. I am just afraid that this whole experience will make it very difficult for me to trust and believe in someone ever again. I trusted him with my heart and believed in us and now feel as though it was all a game to him. I am afraid this experience will shape my future as far as my ability to love, or let someone love me, again.


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

Willow,

I hear you all the way....I try to think of it this way...I am not going to let any of this define me and I hope that I will find love again...

Just think there are other people out there (right here on this forum) that want the same as you....Try to jut learn from it but don't let someone else pay for your stbx's mistakes...Easier said than done I know
( thats the short version, don't want to hijack the thread )


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Every time my wife says "I don't love you anymore", every time she says "I don't see you as my husband", every time she says "I want my freedom", every time she says "I consider myself single and will do what I want"...

All I hear is "You are not, and never were, good enough for me". 

Look at them for what they really are. Very hard, but once they make the desicion to cut you out, don't fall for their crap. It isn't your responsibility anymore. 

It's one thing to want to divorce or seperate, but the twisting of the knife after they've made their desicion to break your heart....it's beyond cruel. It's borderline sadistic. 

Don't let them do it. They aren't worth your tears. You'll get through it in the end, we all will. And we'll deserve it too.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I went through all the same stuff over two years ago... After 25 years together ?.......and I'm still alive! 
IT DOES GET BETTER....... I promise. You stop crying all the time, you start eating again.....you realise that you can function perfectly well on your own......you don't need to be his wife.
Chin up.......I'm just getting divorced, my marital home is on the market.......but I'm still happier than I have been in some time and even have a boyfriend !!! Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

BBT,
The ONLY thing that has worked for me so far, that seems to get through to him in the least is when I get tough, put my foot down and tell him I am tired of the games. That seems to make him come around for a while. I have just said "you either love me or you don't and you either want to work on our marriage or you don't". That is when he seems to back off of this mindset of his that everything has to be solely on his terms. Sorry, but it doesn't work like that, at least not for me. There are two people involved here, not one. It does yo-yo back and forth, but he has seemed to come around just a bit. But I have serious reservations about whether we can help our marriage or not. He has said so many painful things to me (all those things you have heard), and more and I just struggle to see if I can ever get past that and trust him with my heart again. I suppose time will tell, but he has a long way to go.


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