# A Slow Destruction but we cant stop it



## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

I will try to keep this short..........Not sure what I am expecting to do about it, and know that I am going to get lots of "telling off" on this website, but maybe that's what I deserve!!!

Married 20 years. Not exactly a match made in heaven, and definitely not soulmates, but something seems to work for us. Got two lovely kids (16+13) no financial worries and a beautiful home

We've had the internet for the last 9 years or so, with many major issues to do with spending too many hours online, chatting to opposite sex etc. We nearly split up over it years ago. These days we have limited time online, yet STILL chat to others.... emotional infidelity I think they call it:scratchhead: He has HIS female friends. I have MY male friends. We keep it discrete from each other. 

We DO want to spend MORE time with EACH other and now the kids are older we CAN!! If we go away, holidays etc, we easily live without the computer (tho I still keep in touch with texts sometimes) 

We are both practical people, we know "the grass is not greener" on the other side. We do not want to go through a heartache of splitting up, hurting the kids. Seems we are together "til death do us part" It's just the "forsaking all others" bit we dont want to do. 

I couldnt imagine life without my cyber man friends being there. They are my distraction from the mundane routine of life. They pick me up when I am low. And I am sure hubby's cyber female friends do too! 

But it is a probably slow cycle of destruction that neither of us wants to talk about or stop. And I am not sure why I am telling you all this, if I dont want to stop. Which is why I am not expecting any sympathy!!:scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Why are you here? You don't want to quit. He doesn't want to quit. You have an open marriage. What seems to be the problem?


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

A couple of thoughts come to mind while reading your post. None of which are bashing but more pondering and wondering, recognizing the feelings, and understanding the pain I hear.

Let's talk about the pain I hear first, ok? You say you aren't soul mates. You say you can't live without your male online friends. You say they are the diversion from the mundane reality of your life. You say that both you and your husband have your "friends" and are discrete. You say you both want to spend more time together and now you can. And yet ....

I hear a wistfullness, a tiny wimper of "Oh, what if?" What IF:

- my husband wanted me like he wants these other women?
- I wanted my hustand like I want these other men?
- I were really LOVED like I desire and want to be loved?

Honey, these "other" men aren't meeting the actual "needs" I hear in your words. Neither is your husband. YOU want loved and desired for "who you *really* are". 

These "other" men only know who you let them know, it's a flat image at best AND a flat satisfaction at worst because it's empty. Your husband "knows" the 3 dimensional you and for some reason finds you lacking. Vice versa for your husband.

How sad! I know, I've been there. I've moved past this and we (hubby & I) are finding in each other the true love we always wanted, the passion, the dedication, the honesty and devotion. It's hard work. It's scary. It's threatening to the false world we'd created. BUT ... it's real and it's ours and we are finally becoming the spouse the other needed and wanted.

One of you has to step out of this comfort zone/safe zone you've made and say "This is NOT enough"! I want more and I want YOU to want more and I won't accept LESS anymore.

In your title you say "but we can't stop it". Yes, YOU can stop it but it takes courage and determination and caring enough about yourself to want it more than you're afraid.

Now, maybe I'm projecting my feelings on you and if I am, please forgive and just say "nope, that's not it". But if I'm right, think about what you have to lose while keeping what little you have now.

Just my $0.02.
Hurting with you,
Lost


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## DameEdna (Aug 26, 2009)

Thank you "lostandconfused" for your most sensible and informative answer, for understanding, and for seeming to know exactly where I am coming from!! 

It sounds to me you have been through similar, 

_*I know, I've been there. I've moved past this and we (hubby & I) are finding in each other the true love we always wanted, the passion, the dedication, the honesty and devotion. It's hard work. It's scary. It's threatening to the false world we'd created. BUT ... it's real and it's ours and we are finally becoming the spouse the other needed and wanted*_

You are telling me this CAN be done..... so that gives me hope. It may take time, but thank you And my hubby will probably be only too happy to find all what you have mentioned.


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