# Can a Wife be Too Good and Too Sexy?



## Proverbial (Aug 4, 2019)

Hello. I've read quite a bit on the forum but I think there is a bit of a uniqueness to my situation. I'm 50, wife is 51, married 21 years, 2 sons, both now college age. We've had a really good and supportive marriage, and things have been close to ideal until fairly recently. We are both responsible and hard workers, so we are good financially. She is thoughtful and kind, and is exceptional in trying to keep herself attractive (runs 6 days a week, avoids the sun to keep youthful skin, prim and proper). She is a great mom as well. As far as sex, she is a committed Christian woman and I think she sees that as both something enjoyable and dutiful as well, though up to this point I think it's been way more out of enjoying the closeness and not really because she felt like she has to. So that is the background. By the way, she is a very beautiful woman. She is still about 112 pounds, 5ft2, ample assets so she still looks killer in body con dresses, or skirts with heels, etc.

So what's the problem? There are a couple. One is that I love going out with her wearing clothing that really shows her attractiveness. And she was doing that with me for a while, but says now that she doesn't feel like it's right to do. So I've bought her some new dresses that I don't think will ever get worn. Also, I enjoy taking photos of her, clothed, but suggestive. They're not posted and not shown to anyone as she does not want that, but naturally some angles and poses are suggestive, and she also does not want to do these anymore.

I'm having a hard time accepting that she will never do the above anymore, as I really enjoyed it. Typing this I guess I'm almost answering my own question, as there seems to be no real recourse for me. But from a guy's perspective, do you feel any empathy?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I don't think I fully understand this thread. 
My husband likes me buying him clothes, but if he bought me any, I would go to the shop and swap them for something else or simply get the money back and go to another shop to buy something else. I could never have someone else buying me clothes. 

But i understand photos. We always take photos at home and they stay on the photos external hard drive. I suppose you need to explain what these two activities mean to you. Explain over and over to you get across.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

No empathy.

I'm hardly a white knight or limp-wristed egalitarian, but I agree with her boundaries.


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## Proverbial (Aug 4, 2019)

MaiChi said:


> I don't think I fully understand this thread.
> My husband likes me buying him clothes, but if he bought me any, I would go to the shop and swap them for something else or simply get the money back and go to another shop to buy something else. I could never have someone else buying me clothes.
> 
> But i understand photos. We always take photos at home and they stay on the photos external hard drive. I suppose you need to explain what these two activities mean to you. Explain over and over to you get across.


It's not that she doesn't like the clothes. In most she looks great, and in many I think she also likes how she looks -- but she does not want to wear some as they maybe look a little too good I think -- in her view looks good but also borderline suggestive. And she is a conservative woman.


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## Proverbial (Aug 4, 2019)

To state the situation a different way. I think I have tendencies where I'm about 25% of what people have as a hot wife fantasy. There are clear lines where I would never want that fantasy to be reality (at all), but would enjoy it a little bit as fantasy only.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

She wants to look great for you, not for other men.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I don't understand your last post but whatever. It really doesn't matter. Your wife is 51 years old and recognizes that fact. She knows she has no business acting or dressing as if she were 21 or 38 any more. But whatever her reasons are, you need to respect her wishes. Accept that your fantasy doesn't trump her comfort level. I'm not really sure why you can't indulge your fantasies on the pictures you already have of her. Why does it have to be an open-ended prospect with no end in sight when you already have so many?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Proverbial said:


> It's not that she doesn't like the clothes. In most she looks great, and in many I think she also likes how she looks -- but she does not want to wear some as they maybe look a little too good I think -- in her view looks good but also borderline suggestive. And she is a conservative woman.


I wonder if part of the problem is that your insistence of these things has come to a point that she feels that you are using her like a dress up doll to parade in public and take photos of. If she feels that way, I can see how this could come to be a big turn-off for her over time. She might feel like it's not her that you care about but instead this game you want to play using her as a prop.

It's not fun for her anymore. This is your expression, not hers.

This is a very common complaint that I've read/heard women make when their husband/partner gets to a point that this sort of game comes the major focus in their intimate life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Proverbial

It looks like you have a previous account here where you talk about wanting to do these sorts of things. I would like to merge your two accounts into one. It's very helpful for people replying to you to see the history.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-m...-club-but-not-swing-enhance.html#post11142682


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Five years later and you're still harping on this. Why do you feel so inferior to other men? Why are you wanting them to lust after your wife if not to build up your ego?

You want to use your wife to get men to respect you. They won't. They'll just feel sorry for your wife.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

First off let me state that I am a man lest you think this opinion comes from any sort of bias. 

I suspect your wife probably feels like some times she is your dress up doll and the only purpose she serves for you in this regard is is to be hot. I doubt it has anything to do with being conservative. Also from what you say you get off on others thinking she is hot, meaning her attractiveness is not about any sexual component or mating dance but all about your ego. Are you sure you are not projecting an idea of "Look at me, look how I was able to get such a hot wife?" Maybe you should look into this and if true why it is? I am not even saying that all of this is wrong, but when it's more about how you feel then how she does that is a problem. 

I think most women enjoy sex more when it's a way to build intimacy. I think that is a good way to get her into it, but when you are more interested in making yourself feel good, whether by getting off or by feeling proud of how hot your wife is, then it's for your own benefit for most PEOPLE that is gonna be a turn off. I wonder if this is why your wife seems to be. How about you try to make your sex life about what she wants for a while. What makes her feel wanted and desired (maybe it's not how hot she looks in a dress), what makes her feel attractive and close to you.

Besides this it's a very rare wife that over the long haul is going to want to be a hot wife. She wants to be cherished and wanted by you, not pimped out so you can get off. Same kind of selfishness by the way. Her "hotness" is not a license for you to used for your ego in any way. This is especially going to be true for a Christian women. I suspect being sexy is a very personal thing that she feels she has opened up and shown to you. That was probably a very sacred thing she feels she gave to you and now you are showing it off like some sports car or something. I think she could get on board when her "hotness" was your delight because she was yours and you could be proud of her in an intimate personal way between the two of you. Once you start introduce others into the mix to make yourself feel good, no doubt as a "conservative" women she is probably going to balk. 

One more thing IT'S HER HOTNESS, not yours. You don't own that, she has given that side of herself to you and she is free to take that away. 

I think you are going to need to fix that if you can. The best thing you can do is talk to her about this and really listen to what she says about it. Not the clothes but how she feels about it and why she once wanted to be sexy for you and why now it's different. Make her feel safe and cherished. Appreciate the honer she gave you of being so open with you once. Talk about that.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Proverbial said:


> MaiChi said:
> 
> 
> > I don't think I fully understand this thread.
> ...


Most conservative Christian women have a sense of modesty. In a sense, she wants to have boundaries in line with her faith when in public, and you expect her to compromise her convictions to please you.

Not exactly the mark of a godly spiritual leader.

Oh, and FYI, convictions can change as one matures in faith. There are things I used to be fine with that I now feel I don't need to do.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Reading your other thread, my opinion is that you objectify your wife, and no woman enjoys being objectified. At least not once she matures enough to understand she's not a man's sexual object. It took your wife a while, way too long actually, but she finally made it there thank goodness. Finally she sees you still haven't matured.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Proverbial said:


> To state the situation a different way. I think I have tendencies where I'm about 25% of what people have as a hot wife fantasy. There are clear lines where I would never want that fantasy to be reality (at all), but would enjoy it a little bit as fantasy only.


 LOL...for now.




Blondilocks said:


> Five years later and you're still harping on this. Why do you feel so inferior to other men? Why are you wanting them to lust after your wife if not to build up your ego?


Oh geez...I didn't know this has been going on for years. Pfffft.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

I feel that over the years people grow and evolve and of course mature. Sounds like she is in a new season of life. I don’t think she is being unreasonable.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Fogeddaboutit......Not gonna happen......I have the same issues,,,,,,,,Would like some abstract black and white nude photos that show her curves.....No graphic detail...........She is not gonna do it.....Period.....Deal with it and move on...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> @Proverbial
> 
> It looks like you have a previous account here where you talk about wanting to do these sorts of things. I would like to merge your two accounts into one. It's very helpful for people replying to you to see the history.
> 
> https://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-m...-club-but-not-swing-enhance.html#post11142682


I thought this looked familiar.....


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

My wife is very attractive for her age and was a real knockout when I met her.
I don't mind if other men envy me but I'm certainly not going to ask her to dress sexily in public for that purpose.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I thought this looked familiar.....


 Oh good lord.

After reading that, I stand by my first post in this thread - he's already accelerated to wanting a lot more than what he keeps claiming.

OP, your chances of her becoming a hot wife for your visual pleasure are probably just about nil.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Jimmy Soul sang the answer to this a long time ago. And he was not kidding!


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## Mr.Blaze (Aug 14, 2019)

Have dates inside the house where she wears the clothes you picked out. In return do something special for her.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Five years later and you're still harping on this. Why do you feel so inferior to other men? Why are you wanting them to lust after your wife if not to build up your ego?
> 
> You want to use your wife to get men to respect you. They won't. They'll just feel sorry for your wife.


It's brought on by the culture we live in today.
Man buns and all.....


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Wondering why you posted for men's point of view. Did you think they might be more biased toward your wishes?

Your long-time focus on this issue would get old if I were your wife. Having done everything I could to be a good, make that excellent wife, I would feel disrespected by your lack consideration for my feelings on this issue. 

Dude, appreciate your good fortune--there are many men who would like to change places with you.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Proverbial said:


> Hello. I've read quite a bit on the forum but I think there is a bit of a uniqueness to my situation. I'm 50, wife is 51, married 21 years, 2 sons, both now college age. We've had a really good and supportive marriage, and things have been close to ideal until fairly recently. We are both responsible and hard workers, so we are good financially. She is thoughtful and kind, and is exceptional in trying to keep herself attractive (runs 6 days a week, avoids the sun to keep youthful skin, prim and proper). She is a great mom as well. As far as sex, she is a committed Christian woman and I think she sees that as both something enjoyable and dutiful as well, though up to this point I think it's been way more out of enjoying the closeness and not really because she felt like she has to. So that is the background. By the way, she is a very beautiful woman. She is still about 112 pounds, 5ft2, ample assets so she still looks killer in body con dresses, or skirts with heels, etc.
> 
> So what's the problem? There are a couple. One is that I love going out with her wearing clothing that really shows her attractiveness. And she was doing that with me for a while, but says now that she doesn't feel like it's right to do. So I've bought her some new dresses that I don't think will ever get worn. Also, I enjoy taking photos of her, clothed, but suggestive. They're not posted and not shown to anyone as she does not want that, but naturally some angles and poses are suggestive, and she also does not want to do these anymore.
> 
> I'm having a hard time accepting that she will never do the above anymore, as I really enjoyed it. Typing this I guess I'm almost answering my own question, as there seems to be no real recourse for me. But from a guy's perspective, do you feel any empathy?


Not in my world.

The hotter the better. Part of admittedly what I like is showing those watching two things.

1. I have her panties in my pocket.
2. She and I are leaving to obviously continue what I've shown I've started with her while out amongst others.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> First off let me state that I am a man lest you think this opinion comes from any sort of bias.
> 
> I suspect your wife probably feels like some times she is your dress up doll and the only purpose she serves for you in this regard is is to be hot. I doubt it has anything to do with being conservative. Also from what you say you get off on others thinking she is hot, meaning her attractiveness is not about any sexual component or mating dance but all about your ego. Are you sure you are not projecting an idea of "Look at me, look how I was able to get such a hot wife?" Maybe you should look into this and if true why it is? I am not even saying that all of this is wrong, but when it's more about how you feel then how she does that is a problem.
> 
> ...


This sounds more sexist than intended, but her hotness is partially mine.

And I like it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Reading your other thread, my opinion is that you objectify your wife, and no woman enjoys being objectified. At least not once she matures enough to understand she's not a man's sexual object. It took your wife a while, way too long actually, but she finally made it there thank goodness. Finally she sees you still haven't matured.


There are some exceptions; my DW likes being objectified at times.

Just sayin'.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

OnTheFly said:


> No empathy.
> 
> I'm hardly a white knight or limp-wristed egalitarian, but I agree with her boundaries.


It's not just about agreeing that it's OK she has these boundaries, but I think it's also OK that, over time, she's changed them a bit. I think OP is annoyed that the boundaries were drawn differently before than they are now. As far as things changing over time and becoming a problem in a marriage, this is one where I don't really see the drama. Or I should say I don't think there *should* be drama, providing she's not pulling back from him (intimacy, both physical and love) when they're alone. 

If I were the wife, perhaps I'd be thinking the husband is putting too much emphasis on something that will inevitably change over time. She could be thinking that her killer looks are fading and feel a bit insecure. She might be concerned he's going to be attracted to the next young beautiful thing he sees.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

So basically you want other men to lust after your wife and are upset that she won't go along with it. Sounds like a personal problem to me. Grow up and get over it.

Someone like you likely has a lot more issues than this one thing. If you are parading your wife around and expecting her to compromise her values for you, then you should be looking into what is wrong with your attitude and perspective rather than trying to get your wife to go along with your selfish way of thinking.



Casual Observer said:


> It's not just about agreeing that it's OK she has these boundaries, but I think it's also OK that, over time, she's changed them a bit. I think OP is annoyed that the boundaries were drawn differently before than they are now. As far as things changing over time and becoming a problem in a marriage, this is one where I don't really see the drama. Or I should say I don't think there *should* be drama, providing she's not pulling back from him (intimacy, both physical and love) when they're alone.
> 
> If I were the wife, perhaps I'd be thinking the husband is putting too much emphasis on something that will inevitably change over time. She could be thinking that her killer looks are fading and feel a bit insecure. She might be concerned he's going to be attracted to the next young beautiful thing he sees.


People are supposed to change and grow as they get older. It appears that half of this couple has done that and the other half has not.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This sounds more sexist than intended, but her hotness is partially mine.
> 
> And I like it.


But it might not be if you abuse it. And if you are using it to boost your low self-esteem then you are doing just that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Balance in life, grasshopper. 

But inside I'm crumbling, you hurt my feelings, 'cause my self esteem is too low. 😉😉 

Bahahaha!

Seriously though, I don't disagree with what you're saying, if one approaches from of weakness, it's a problem. 

If as part of a healthy relationship it's part of the overall hotness relationship between spouses or gfs, and a wonderful thing.

I get crotch shots when expected and unexpected, as one of the things we do. Great fun. I could go on, but that would be tmi.

👍👍😎😎


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Proverbial said:


> It's not that she doesn't like the clothes. In most she looks great, and in many I think she also likes how she looks -- but she does not want to wear some as they maybe look a little too good I think -- in her view looks good but also borderline suggestive. And she is a conservative woman.


I really admire your wife, she is wanting to live out her faith by dressing modestly. Not many do that these days. You can still look feminine and nice and also be modest, but she clearly knows that how you want her to dress isn't modest. As for you buying her dresses, why? Women want to buy their own clothes and I am surprised she hasn't taken them back.

Please respect her for her stance, and examine why YOU feel the need to go out with her wearing immodest and maybe suggestive clothes. Is it maybe because you want that jealousy from other men? Or that you 'need' to be seen with a woman who is sexy? That may show a lack of something in you, and if you are also a committed Christian then surely you understand her wanting to live out her faith in this way and should respect and admire her for it. You should be encouraging her in what she does. 
I am fortunate to have a husband who is secure in himself and likes modesty and I save everything else for him alone.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Take her on a sexy vacay often. Some of the Adults Only places in Cancun/Caribbean are sexually charged. There are even the Hedonism properties if you want to be wild. If she would be game, she could wear all the stuff you love, in an environment where she won’t be running into people from church or the PTA. Could be really fun.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Take her on a sexy vacay often. Some of the Adults Only places in Cancun/Caribbean are sexually charged. There are even the Hedonism properties if you want to be wild. If she would be game, she could wear all the stuff you love, in an environment where she won’t be running into people from church or the PTA. Could be really fun.


Speaking as a lady who also chooses to dress modestly, its nothing whatsoever to do with 'running into people from the church or PTA', its about living out our faith in how we dress daily. Modestly is precious and rare these days. 
As for her being able to dress in what he loves, she can do that in the home/bedroom, they don't need to go away. However I suspect its the fact that he wants other men to look and be jealous that is the issue.

Just a thought to the op, not all men will be attracted to the same women. Its special that you find her sexy, and long may that last, but not all men will.

Not sure if you have understood the issue. A woman who wants to dress and act modestly isn't going to parade about in front of others in a skimpy bikini or go to a Hedonism property.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Spicy said:


> Take her on a sexy vacay often. Some of the Adults Only places in Cancun/Caribbean are sexually charged. There are even the Hedonism properties if you want to be wild. If she would be game, she could wear all the stuff you love, in an environment where she won’t be running into people from church or the PTA. Could be really fun.


I like the Cancun idea. Bikinis fit right in but I have heard unsavory things about the Hedonism places?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I like the Cancun idea. Bikinis fit right in but I have heard unsavory things about the Hedonism places?


They are wild, and certainly not for me and my hubby. The OP sounds like he might dig that kind of thing though. Probably not his wife’s cup of tea either I suppose. Riviera Maya (near Cancun) has some properties that are racier than others. Maybe a happy medium can be found.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Proverbial said:


> It's not that she doesn't like the clothes. In most she looks great, and in many I think she also likes how she looks -- but she does not want to wear some as they maybe look a little too good I think -- in her view looks good but also borderline suggestive. And she is a conservative woman.


She doesn't want to dress like a tramp. And it's kind of weird that you want a parade her around as one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Proverbial said:


> It's not that she doesn't like the clothes. In most she looks great, and in many I think she also likes how she looks -- but she does not want to wear some as they maybe look a little too good I think -- in her view looks good but also borderline suggestive. And she is a conservative woman.


There are outfits that you want her to wear in public places, right?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Is this poster still around? It's an older thread from 2019 that somehow got bumped.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Opps, zombie thread. I'm closing it.


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