# when to go? Please help!



## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

So. maybe I'm in the wrong forum. I don't know, this is my first time here. I'm writing this as a last ditch effort to try to make some sense of my current situation.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7, and known each other for almost 17yrs. He's truly one of my favorite people(sometimes). 
During the course of our marriage I became unemployed and we decided that being a stay at home housewife would work for us. And honestly, for the most part it does. (except now I feel stuck in a mess)
Also, during the course of our marriage my husband and I have both been unbearable due to depression or anxiety issues. He was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and currently takes quite a few meds to manage that. 
However, those medications have caused his sex drive to wane. It took several months for me to coax him to go to a doctor to address this. And when he finally did, we found out he also has very low testosterone. I do not know the solution to this, yet, as this is a newer diagnosis.
So, while I have no desire to kick my husband while he's down, I also am really lacking hope. I want to be supportive and stay through everything. And honestly, that would be no problem if my husband didn't have anger issues. 
And that's where the real problem is. He drinks beer every Friday with his medications. It's a hit or miss situation, sometimes good, often unbearable. He becomes mean to me. Calling me names, telling me he wishes I would die, etc. 
Tonight I am sick and supposed to be resting, and he has forced me to leave the bedroom, or he says he'll go out and drive around drunk. When I try to stand up for myself and beg him not to speak to me that way it only gets worse. I get scared, and recoil to tears. (I'm in no way perfect, but I did not call him names or insult him. I did not even raise my voice. This is the typical scenario. Me being bullied, when I'm feeling down)
Then he typically forces me to apologize for causing the whole situation. I do, just to calm things down. But when do I get an apology for the mean words and threats? I told him very clearly tonight that I was very hurt, and that an apology would help. He told me to **** off, and kicked me out of bed. I am soooo sick too. I really want to rest. And the more I think about it, he often does this when I'm ill. Last time I had pneumonia a few years back he was really nasty to me while I was at my worst. Then all the crying makes all the sickness worse. 
So, my mind says...Just pack your things and go.
And my mind then reminds me that I am dependent on this man for almost everything(my mistake, but how do I fix it now?)
Also, I wonder....maybe I need to just stick in here until he can get his medical issues worked out. I did vow in sickness and in health, good times, and bad. I am desperate to save things, and do the right thing. Problem is...I don't know what's right anymore.

Any help would be appreciate. Thanks!


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Anyone? Am I in the wrong place? 

Help :-(


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> And honestly, that would be no problem if my husband didn't have anger issues.


Where to start?!?

1. STOP apologizing when he berates and insults you JUST TO GET PEACE in the house. You are just FEEDING his childish egotistical need to be right and for you to be wrong. You are teaching him HOW to treat you. You are reinforcing his WRONG-HEADED belief that YOU make him angry, that it's YOUR FAULT he loses his temper, berates you, gets upset, insults you, etc. STOP TELLING HIM THIS BY APOLOGIZING FOR *HIS* MISBEHAVIOR.

2. Get yourself into Individual Counseling IMMEDIATELY so you can sort out what YOU want out of your life (irrespective of what your husband wants or other people desire for you or both of you).

3. Tell your husband his ANGER ISSUES are driving a permanent wedge between the two of you. If he does not ADDRESS THESE PROBLEMS IMMEDIATELY with a professional, you do not have hope for your marriage being successful. If he refuses to ACKNOWLEDGE that he has anger issues, or if he refuses to address them, then YOU HAVE THE ANSWER YOU NEED. What you want and what you need are NEVER going to be as important (forget about 'more important') than what HE wants and what HE needs.

4. Do not let lack of employment keep you from leaving if THAT is what you desire. You've only been unemployed during your marriage (5 years or less). I was unemployed for 10 YEARS until I left my STBXH in May of this year. I now have a GREAT JOB making more money than ever before! You can do it, too. It's not as though you've NEVER WORKED and have no marketable skills. 

5. I think you should start looking for a job and get to work NOW. Part of the problem here could be depression/boredom on your part. Part of the problem could be a 'control' issue with your husband (now you're isolated at home: no friends, no co-workers, no chance for you to talk to other men if he's the overly-jealous type). My point is NOT that you need to talk to other men, but is your staying home part of a larger control/jealousy issue that is now rearing it's ugly head? He's always had anger issues. Has he always been this verbally abusive or has it escalated NOW that you're home alone and without a support structure? Or does it just AFFECT you more now that you're alone all day with no support structure?

No way to answer this which is WHY *YOU* need to see a therapist and straighten things out.

Good luck!


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Thank you so much, Slowlygettingwiser  

I'm going to come back and write more later. I'm exhausted. 
We had another little blow out when he woke up this morning....
he started it, but sometimes I just can't let things go....and that makes it worse. All is calm for the moment. My fever has spiked again. 
I'm so THANKFUL for you response above!! (I will come back and answer the questions you asked. I think being here writing these things out is helping me gain some clarity)


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