# Just Seperated This Past Saturday



## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

I am usually a strong person and handle things pretty well. But my husband and I split up just this past Saturday. We were laying in bed snuggling and then we got to talking about our relationship and such. It has been almost a year since he had an emotional relationship with someone else and shared kisses. He had wanted to leave at that time, but we worked through it. He was a completly different person with her. He is usually an emotionless person, but he grew up that way so I always accepted that and loved him just as he was. I know I had faults that caused him to seek additional attention, but I have changed and he hasn't. I haven't been happy because he changed the rules to the game when he had his emotional affair. I know had insecurities of him cheating again and he never helped quell that. But I finally got over that after coming to the realization that no matter what I do if he decides to cheat he will. I got the whole I love you but not in love with you. I suspect that there is someone else or the idea of someone else. I swear it was like he couldn't wait to run out the door. There was no ugliness just a good-bye. He was so cold to me, even said he has been wanting to leave for awhile but just didn't know how. Meanwhile this whole time he put on some tremondous acting, I wouldn't have known, snuggling together on the couch and etc. The hardest thing is he is my best friend. Our 15 year anniversary is on Valentine's Day and I am dreading it in the worst way. I haven't even hardly cried. It is like I didn't even know the man and I have been used for the past 15 years. He was more than generous in the sense that he left everything, took nothing but clothes, I have it all. That is just crazy. I feel deep down like he loves me but is just going through a semi mid-life crisis and depressed. I just don't understand how someone can treat another person so cruelly. No emotion from him at all. All I do is replay the things he said over and over in my head and think what did I do wrong, what did I do to make him hate me so much?


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

You did NOTHING wrong. Get that in your head now. Nothing. Even if there were issues in the marriage and you can take some responsibility for that, he has to take full responsibility for being with someone else. I would suspect, like you, that he is with someone else now.

Your story is eerily similar to mine. Love you but not in love with you. Told me that we would always "be close" to raise the kids, but that he feels like he's changed. Feelings for me died. I also think that mine is in the throws of a huge midlife crisis (he's 44 and there are some other emotional issues that he stuffed down pretty far). He took nothing out of the house except his clothes and some personal belongings and is ready to give me everything. It's an escape. Your H and mine are in a massive "fantasy fog". Something else is pulling them away and they have to escape to get to it even though they know that they are at risk for losing their families once they go. 

Mine was very cruel too. He sort of jerked me around for a long while - told me it was a "trial separation"; told me that he just had to have some time and space to "process"; that D was not a foregone conclusion. Then, when I found out what was really happening, he had the nerve to say that he didn't give me much hope. ... really? 

As my counselor says, these people are a mess on the inside. They know what they're doing is wrong, but it feels good to them and they feel as though this is the ONE thing that is going to make their lives fall into place. They have to be cruel to us and detach so that they can feel better about themselves. They have to somehow demonize you and the marriage to make leaving justifiable. Mine even ignored our kids while things got heated and he was still living at home. He would barely look at them; never got down on the floor and played with them like he used to. It's apparently pretty common. They follow a common script and it seems as though yours is right there with the rest of them. He's already demonstrated a tendency to seek attention from somewhere else. It sounds like he may be doing it again.

If you really in your heart of hearts know that you are done with him and couldn't take him back, you are already on the long road to recovery. If you think that there may be a chance, be cautious and start seeing if you can find any evidence of someone else. If so, confront him and see what he says. You're not the first-runner up and won't settle for that. 

I'm really sorry that you are here and that I am here. Whatever happens though, you sound very strong and you will get through it.


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

blownaway - thank you so much for your response. I needed it in the worst way. I have no real close friends that I can talk to, I have acquaintances but mostly co-workers and I don't feel comfortable confiding in them. 

My husband and I are 37 years old, he just had a birthday two weeks ago. 

When he left he really left me with no hope at all. I couldn't believe how cold he was. It was like I absolutely repulsed him. He is saying trial seperation to see what happens and if we miss each other and discover that we truly do love each other. 

When I inquired about possibly dating each other he was very clear that not for a LONG while!! My instincts are leaning toward another person but I also have to say he is also "a mess on the inside" as you have stated. For that past year since the EA he has been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Extremely happy and loving , then cold and distant. I had mentioned to him a few times as joke he was bi-polar. He has become so negative and angry. This was not the man I married. So something else is going on inside of him.

When he left I told him I still love him and always will. The door is not closed to us getting back together. We hugged good-bye, he waved to our son and that was it. He called our daughter at college and asked her "How mad are you at me". I have been very positive about him to the kids, because they need us both. I don't want any ugliness. I have assured them they have us both.

I really have no intentions of confronting him. If that is what he wants in my mind he made the obvious choice when he walked out. I have no hope of us getting back together, mostly because of not giving me any. I do want him back but I would never tell him that. I asked him not to leave and maybe we could get help to no avail. So that is the only time I am asking.

I haven't talked to him, but of course he is having good times. Meanwhile I am left with taking care of everything. Which luckily for me I am in a position to pay for.

Right no I am having no contact and have started working on me. Signed up at a gym to start working out, it makes it easier to go to the gym then going home since I always looked forward to seeing him after work. The evenings are tough near bedtime, because he works a midnight shift and sometimes we would talk into the wee hours of the night so I bought sleeping pills so I can get some rest so my mind won't wander. 

He has told a few people and the thing that gets me it is like he is the victim. He is 37 living at home with his mother, very small car (I got the nice car), and hardly any money. Heck, I think if someone like that approached me today and asked me out, there would be no way I would go out with that person. So kudos to the person who gets him. PLUS he is a major playstation junkie, likes to play the video games!! I hated it, but I accepted it because I loved him and I always thought at least he wasn't a wife beater or alcoholic.

They lady he was interested in previously was a 50 year old woman, which is a bit strange. Nothing against the age, it is just that she was 13 years older, I can understand younger but older? Talk about a blow to your self-esteem.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

You are strong to have very limited contact with him. I've done that too and, although it's very hard, I find that no contact = no additional pain. I, too find that you go through a major withdrawal at certain times of the day. Yours is late at night. Mine is in the afternoon - we would usually call each other to see how the day was going, if we had any "stories", who was going to pick up what kid and what we were going to eat for dinner, etc. I still have a hard time in the afternoons but it's getting better. I also think, like you, that if they change their minds and decide to try to work on things, they know where to find us. It only prolongs our pain to chase after them and try to get them to change their minds. We can't control another human being; only ourselves. So, you see, you are not alone. We are in the same sinking boat. I would really encourage you to try to find a counselor to talk to. I do it and it's helped me a lot. I also have a very strong support system of close friends and family. If you don't have that, the counselor will be that much more helpful. It's a horrible pain, but I guess if we hit bottom, the only place to go is up. It's hard to think that this is not going to be over for many months, maybe even years and that we now have to start a new "normal" of life. It gets overwhelming at times, but people get through it. There's really no other choice. So, keep posting and don't hesitate to reach out for help.


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

Well I am up a little late after I found some out some rather interesting information.

It seems, that "I kicked him out, took his key, put the vehicle in my name and he is fixing to sign the house over to me." It is over this time!! According to a conversation I read between him and a friend. Oh yes and he is NOT REALLY UPSET at ALL!! He also goes on to say we tried it for a year but it didn't work, we only agreed to try for the kids. I swear some guys are not smart enough to change their passwords, lol. It is so freakin laughable and such an eye opening moment for me. Just the slap in the face I needed to set me straight!! 

He is making all kinds of plans of going out drinking, he needs to get out and have some fun, lol. I would have never kept him from that. I would have never alienated him from his friends. This never bothered me at all. But he acts like I kept him from that. My husband was pretty free to do whatever he wanted. I didn't keep him on a leash. I sacrificed and did things for him such as the video games and traveled with him when he went to play at softball tournaments because I enjoyed seeing him play and we even played on a co-ed softball team together. When he wanted to start a flag football league I was there supporting him, keeping score, heck even refereeing!! We shared a love of sports.

Talk about a self-centered and selfish a-hole!! That man had it good!! 

I did however write him essentially a goodbye letter, telling him I loved him and how I felt, the hope that we could be back together and that the door was always open. I also told him that if he felt like he deserved anything to please let me know as I didn't want to fight over material things because he meant more to me than that. I also told him I hoped that he found whatever he is looking for and that I would leave him to be. 

I wrote this so there is nothing left unsaid on my part. He seems to have convinced himself that I was unhappy and wanted him out.

Well as far as I am concerned this is the end. I will not allow myself to be thrown under the bus so that his conscience can be clear. I am not bitter, just disappointed, because I do love him and want to share my life with him but not until he is ready to grow up and be in an adult relationship. This crap is so childish, I now know I have been dealing with a passive-agressive husband!! He will never be happy no matter what. He always fought like a child that is why we can never have adults conversations or even argue. Stomp off!! It was never his fault always somebody else. Silently punish me and never sharing any emotions or feelings with me.

If there is even a remote possibility we get back together there is going to be some major marriage counseling before we even date and I ain't talking my momma this and that crap!! I am talking Exorcist breakthrough, lol!!

As for me, I know now that he is the problem not me. Thank you for helping me see this!! Just allowing me to vent and you giving your thoughts helped me so much!! 

I also printed and downloaded a copy of that little conversation as a reminder and to slap me back to reality. This will burn a long time. Meanwhile...I got nowhere to go but up!!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Omg guys I have so much in common with this thread.
Its like we talk about the same guy.will write more tomorrow,dont have internet yet .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

It has been a whole week to the day since he left. I am doing pretty good. I am in the do I still love him phase? Would I even want him back if he decided to come back? I really don't know. I am scared to think of being out there. My self confidence took a beating because as I have seen "blownaway" state in other posts "Why was I not enough/worth trying for? "

In my case I have determined there is not anyone else. He is in a full blown mid-life crisis, it has been confirmed. I have access to his email and FB account he doesn't even know. But he sure is on the prowl, I mean he is like a hunter searching for prey. Any person that replies to him he is immediately asking for a number, flirting and such. It was hard to read at first, but now it is just straight up SAD!! I mean to the point of desperate, lol!! I truly feel sorry for him because I am going to be okay. I got my sanity, my beautiful children, the home, all the possessions and a good job. He has nothing but phone numbers. What is sad is he threw it all away, we had the life that everyone else dreams of and he didn't even realize it. 

He come over Saturday to see us, it perturbed me a little bit, I didn't have my gameface on, so I was completely caught off guard. I hate that!! So I was pretty rude and all but hit him with the door on the way out, lol!! 

I later sent him a text apologizing (Don't want to have a hate relationship) asking if he and I could talk from time to time about stuff, ramblings and etc. Nothing relationship wise. He said he would really like that and we talked about a few things. I also explained for him to not come over unless he called first. All he is wanting is a friendship with me right now. So needless to say I am friends with my husband, lol....crazy!!

I guess my only problem is I am confused at what I want. Part of me thinks I want him back, so much so that I think there was something about me he loved at one time that I can be the fun, flirty, sexual women he just had to have. He can just be a guy I am talking to with no expectations. Sad thing is I used to do this in HIGH SCHOOL, lol!!! I know it is because I have seen the best of him and that is what I ache for. He is like a lost desperate little boy looking for attention. He is going to end up finding him self all alone.

So as a dear friend told me...LET IT BE!! That is what I am doing, letting it be. I want to have hope, but there is nothing worse than a letdown, that hope just will exhaust me and I can't control him. 

As far as I am concerned we are just friends. I look around me and I have so much to be thankful for. We had a good life together, he is my best friend and regardless of what he has put me through I have to honestly say it is worth it. Because he gave me the most beautiful boy in the world, with the best personality, takes care of his mama, asks if I am okay and wants to grow up to be a doctor to help cure diseases!! He will be more of a man than his father ever will. He took in my daughter (had at a young age) and adopted her as his own and has raised her as his own. Together we helped her grow into a beautiful girl who is living her dream playing college softball. So when I look at my children, I say to myself it was worth it!! I would go through it again and then some because they are worth it. Our children are our greatest accomplishment, sad thing is he fails to see this, he is looking for more. So who is the one missing out?

I say this to all you others, don't let a man define you!! When he checked out, he is the one who lost. Do I want him to come crawling back, so I can get my confirmation...H E L L YEAH!! Nobody likes to win like I do...thinking maybe of doing like some other woman did, stand him on a street corner wearing signs that say I wronged my wife and I went crawling back!! But in the meantime...I am loving me some me!!


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

I forced my husband into a legal seperation. I myself cannot handle the thought of "what if", hope and all that. I hate that it has come to this, but I needed some sort of closure. His idea of 6 months seperation was not gonna work for me, while he is out chasing "tail". I also felt the need to protect my self and interests. What if he found another woman who convinced him to get half of what he willingly walked away from. 

We had a good talk, I get the feeling he doesn't know what he wants but he is afraid to lose me entirely. I can't live with the thought of a seperation that he uses as a free pass and live me dangling. 

I feel a little better. I miss him and love him and always will. But it is doubtful that we get back together, I just don't know if I could forgive or even want him back. This behaviour of him was just weak as far as I am concerned and I have lost all respect from him. He is just a weak and confused man. 

I still suspect that it was someone who was drawing him away, but I haven't gotten confirmation on that as of yet. But if it turns out this way, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised. I do know that if he left for someone else, he is also playing her for a fool cause now that he is free he has been burning up the phone with other women.

Just so sad and disappointing. I have found a counselor that I will be visiting with to help me sort through my emotional feelings. I have yet to act out emotionally, cry, or in rage. I feel like I want to breakdown and I become overcome with emotions, but it is like my body doesn't know what to do. 

All I know how to do is put up a wall and go into protection mode. He took offense to this, because I changed car titles, house titles and now the legal seperation. He things I am the cold one, go figure!!


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

hopemom - I also was afraid to state to my husband I wanted the legal seperation, because I knew he would take it as another opportunity to cast blame on me and make it seem like it is me that is wanting out. But for your own sanity you have to make a break. He is just stringing you along and will continue to do so as long as you let him. My husband was stringing me along with the I don't know what I want, but I don't want to wake up and realize I made a mistake. He was giving me a little bit of hope but still saying things like I hope you find your happiness...blah...blah. 

I wrote my husband a goodbye letter, told him everything I needed to, how I didn't want this either and that the door was always open to the possibility of a reconciliation. I didn't want anything left unsaid on my part.

This is your life and it is time to take control of the reins. 

Everybody keeps telling me he will be back and deep down I think he will also. But my dilemma is how can I ever forgive or forget all the ugly things he said to me. How he couldn't stand to look at me, I repulsed him and such. How can someone who makes a vow to love you for better or worse, then leave you. 

He is weak, he will not leave you but sounds like he is trying his best to force you to leave him. It will be hard but it is so much easier then him being there and bringing you down. You and I deserve so much more. I wish you all the best. 

My legal seperation has been a sigh of relief. I hate it because I want my husband. But you can't make someone love you.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

lovesucks12 said:


> Everybody keeps telling me he will be back and deep down I think he will also. But my dilemma is how can I ever forgive or forget all the ugly things he said to me. How he couldn't stand to look at me, I repulsed him and such. How can someone who makes a vow to love you for better or worse, then leave you.


Exactly my case ...and now he wants to be back with me but really can I forget all the ugly things he has told me. 
* "i don't love you anymore,not in love with you"* - 2 days later he said he loves me ,he held me tight and wanted to snuggle with me while we slept. 2 days before he was writing me texts every day 3 times per day with i love you ,can't wait to see you and hold you,i miss you my love."
" *physically don't like you"*(don't mean to brag about myself but I'm Hot,i'm fit and firm,after 2 kids look exactly like when he met me,i have the 6 pack and I had a baby 1 year ago) I also caught him staring at my behind while cleaning after the kids.
"*don't like your culture and don't like when you speak in your native language to our daughters and me not understanding"* ...he was so proud before that our daughter is bilingual,he was supportive of that and i was actually speaking English in his presence.(I'm from Eastern Europe BTW! nothing weird as culture)
All the statements did not make any sense to me,he was just trying hard to push me away ,to make me mad so i leave,to justify why he is leaving me.....
Don't know but just letting you know that sometimes guys convince themselves that we are EVIL i guess because they just want to run from responsibilities.Some of them wake up,some of them don't...or they do but it's too late.

I'm so sorry that you girls are going to the next step already,it sucks.So much pain. (((hugs)))


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## lovesucks12 (Jan 27, 2011)

It has been awhile since I posted and I wanted to offer my hugs to all you still in limbo and suffering.

It has now been a month since my husband and I seperated. For the most part I have been doing pretty good. I am working on a better me. Hit the gym every day.

New things that have happened is that he spent two seperate weekends with old girlfriends.

One weekend was Valentine's weekend in which Valentine's Day is our Anniversary. He spent the whole weekend with her, even took a night off from work. He had to drive over 3 hours to see her. Then later that evening went out with someone else.

The next weekend he spent a weekend with another girl in which he had to make another 3 hour drive to see her. The big thing for me was he was only 15 minutes down the road from where I was staying in a hotel for a conference. It hurt that I was all alone while he was making time for someone else.

The thing that really pissed me off was that he had our son both weekends, since I was out of town for work and he left him with his mother. That is unforgivable to me.

I have ignored his phone calls and texts, he sent me an ugly text and blew up at me since I was ignoring his texts that he NEEDED TO BE ABLE TO GET AHOLD OF ME!! I responded, was the house on fire? Was our son or daughter in the emergency room? Unless it has anything that pertains to the kids then he doesn't need to get ahold of me. Why should he cares if I respond to his texts or calls? Am I not the one you hate and repulse you? Call your other "friends" that mean so much to you. When he brings up the friendship conversation via text, I just respond that he has all the friends he needs taking care of him, he doesn't need me.

He has tried to talk to me when picking up my son from his house and I have ran into him a few times at the store (durn small town). The first time, he walked to my side of the door and I didn't bother to roll my window down and drove off as he stood there. The next time as he was talking, he kept saying hello...hello. Did you hear me, I responded yes I heard you and walked on. 

I am just waiting on May to get here and I am filing the divorce paperwork.

Everyone keeps telling him and I both that we will get back together, but that is easier said than done. I know these other women don't mean anything to him, cause he is seeing several of them. He is getting all the attention he wants, besides he is not one to ever admit a mistake, so I can't ever see him wanting to come back.

As for myself, I am doing pretty good. I have lost alot of weight. My daughter and I have become closer throughout this. Met a few guys from my gym that I am friends with and talk to from time to time in the evenings. I joined a co-ed softball team and play on Thursday and Friday nights. 

Do I miss best friend yes, I do. But it has gotten easier and easier as the days have passed by.


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