# Multi-dating



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If/when you are single, do you multi-date? Do you think it's a good or bad thing? If you get official and realise your new partner has been dating (maybe even kissing, or even banging) someone else while seeing you, would that be a problem? Do you also have a problem with them keeping in contact with former dates that became friends/penpals?

When meeting someone new I feel it's kinda a bit too much to expect that a new date would drop every other option just to go for you exclusively. Yet someone new I'm talking to, she hasn't mentioned it but getting the gut feeling that's what she expects. Not that I can drop all my other options until I reach first base at the very least. 

I always go in with the assumption of non-exclusivity and don't really bring it up. Former dates who became friends also admitted to multi-dating and didn't surprise me, even though we were both good at making each other _feel_ like we were the only ones - as it should be. 

Thoughts?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have no interest in multi dating and have no interest in someone who multi dates. I don't have the energy to explore more then 1 guy at a time and have no interest in competing with other dates. I prefer we give each other a fair chance and if it doesn't work we'll go our separate ways.

If I find out a guy is seeing someone else while he's seeing me I'm out....I have no interest on being an option. I don't think my bf would've been happy if I was seeing other dudes early on...he thinks like me and wants my full attention.

What you see as dropping options I see as giving me your full attention until we see if we're a good match.

You are certainly free to multidate but I think you should be upfront about it because you might be incompatible with someone who doesn't want that. Some women will be ok with that. Making them "feel" like they're the only one is dishonest IMO.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's not exactly the intention to be dishonest by making them feel they are the only one, it's simply giving them my full attention when I'm with them as you said_. _
If they ask I tell them the truth of course, but as I mentioned I expect them to be multi-dating too with these apps so I don't bring it up unless they do.

What would be considered multi-dating really?

Is simply chatting to multiple women online considered multi-dating?
Is it multi-dating only when physically dating more than one at a time?
Is it multi-dating only when kissing more than one date at a time?

I guess people have different standards.

When I met my ex organically she was toying with four men at the same time, not physically, just flirting. As we progressed she dropped them all but I didn't expect her to drop them all instantly, just seems like an unrealistic expectation really no?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yep, chatting up other women is keeping options open.

I am not an option who must actively compete with others. I pass on that offer.

But I only speak for myself. If you see women who view it the same way you shouldn't have a problem.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm against multi dating.

I didn't do it when I was single. It seems incredibly disrespectful and, honestly, juvenile.

I require a woman to at least give me the respect and time to engage with me alone while I do the same for her.

I'm not a dish on a f'ing man buffet and I won't be involved with a woman buffet either.

I'm not intending to slam anyone.

This is my stance.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Once I am dating someone I wouldn't date someone else. As far as I am concerned we are exclusive and if I found out he was dating others I am out. Not interested in a guy who thinks that's in anyway ok.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I only date casually and don’t want another relationship but I don’t multi date. If I’m dating someone — no matter how casually — I date that person until it ends. I didn’t multi date when I was young either. One at a time.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

If it's an organic encounter with chemistry and immediate spark I would agree. I used to.
I gave my exs my full attention as the connection were already there.

Now with online dating where chemistry doesn't exist almost all the time when we meet I no longer agree.

Not to mention new matches come like 5-10 per week, it seems silly to just unmatch up to 9 of them and pick just 1 who may even ghost you the next minute. For women, it's even more perhaps 100+ per week? I cant ask them to ghost/unmatch 99 of them, though they already do because they just have no time. 

This is the reality of the online dating landscape, how else is a man to be successful in OLD?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I guess if I am to adopt an alternative approach, I may incorporate the same standards of organic dating in online dating - if there is chemistry on the first date, then start dropping the other dates/matches like flies and focus on the one, but shaking off all the others - how long is acceptable?

With ex, she had not just those four guys, but tons of orbiters. It took a few dates before she shook off those four guys, those orbiters though, took months.

This is one approach I'm looking at, if there is chemistry after I meet this new prospect that is...


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> If/when you are single, do you multi-date? Do you think it's a good or bad thing? If you get official and realise your new partner has been dating (maybe even kissing, or even banging) someone else while seeing you, would that be a problem? Do you also have a problem with them keeping in contact with former dates that became friends/penpals?
> 
> When meeting someone new I feel it's kinda a bit too much to expect that a new date would drop every other option just to go for you exclusively. Yet someone new I'm talking to, she hasn't mentioned it but getting the gut feeling that's what she expects. Not that I can drop all my other options until I reach first base at the very least.
> 
> ...


I'm a germaphobe, so the idea of sharing cooties with someone and their partners and their partners totally grossed me out. Considering my bf and I were attached at the lip and hip from date 1, that's very fortunate.

Not only do I find it repulsive, but what happens if you're attracted to and interested in more than 1? Do you expect them to have a death match? Do you see how they stack up on multiple fronts? I don't understand how you can make someone feel like you're the only one when you're slumming it with multiple people, to me that's not special. 

I very briefly dated a guy who dropped that on me after we agreed to date one on one to see where it went. I let him go his way, my interest died instantly, I don't play well with others.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> Not only do I find it repulsive, but what happens if you're attracted to and interested in more than 1? Do you expect them to have a death match? Do you see how they stack up on multiple fronts?


Choose of course.
I'm already attracted and interested in more than 1 

I was a singular dater, not anymore. Not after I sacrificed all the other matches just for the one, only for the one to not work out.



> I don't understand how you can make someone feel like you're the only one when you're slumming it with multiple people, to me that's not special.


Simple just give them your full attention when taking them out lol


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

TXTrini said:


> Not only do I find it repulsive, but what happens if you're attracted to and interested in more than 1? Do you expect them to have a death match? Do you see how they stack up on multiple fronts? I don't understand how you can make someone feel like you're the only one when you're slumming it with multiple people, to me that's not special.


I kinda like the deathmatch idea. Maybe a TV show style dating competition where you go out with them all and see who you like the best.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> I kinda like the deathmatch idea. Maybe a TV show style dating competition where you go out with them all and see who you like the best.


Isn't there already, The Bachelor?






Hahahahahhaa


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hell, like FFS I'm not even close to that level lol

I'm not multi-kissing or multi-banging only multi-dating and multi-chatting!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Multi dating is heavily favoured in the Mars Venus world, but I personally am not a fan.

I am nobody's option or consolation prize, I am THE catch. I'm not competing for a man.

Now that's just my stance, others will feel differently and that's fine. As long as everyone's on the same page with the person/people they're dating.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Once I am dating someone I wouldn't date someone else. As far as I am concerned we are exclusive and if I found out he was dating others I am out. Not interested in a guy who thinks that's in anyway ok.


this is how i feel on the opening question , I don't believe in them or I chatting up others in the hope to get a better deal , because it is sending out to different messages one that your not fully interested in the person you are meeting and the other that you are gold digging in some way , you have this woman that you think is a good enough fall back but you are still looking for more than they seem to bring to the table


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Multi-Dating: Is It a Good Idea? - Busted Halo


Question: Is it OK to date more than one person at a time? Answer: The straightforward answer is you are free to date more than…




bustedhalo.com





Just an opinion from this article:

_If dating means a couple of casual dates, along with light conversation and very limited to no physical intimacy, then you are really just getting to know someone and dating around is perfectly ok.

Now, if dating means consistent weekly contact for two months or more, coupled with long conversations about how much you are attracted to each other and some form of “making out,” then dating more than one person may start to feel like a betrayal. _

Thoughts? Hence I asked:

What would be considered multi-dating really?

Is simply chatting to multiple women online considered multi-dating?
Is it multi-dating only when physically dating more than one at a time?
Is it multi-dating only when kissing more than one date at a time?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the idea of " Multi dating " is like looking for a job you send out 3 cv and respond to 3 job offers every day in the hope one excepts , it is looking for any job instead of the ""job"" 
IN 2 months you have sent out over 180 response it is starting to look that you will take any job and not the best you for you


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Multi-Dating: Is It a Good Idea? - Busted Halo
> 
> 
> Question: Is it OK to date more than one person at a time? Answer: The straightforward answer is you are free to date more than…
> ...


and I thought you are the type that don't like people and small talk so how you could be open to so much chatting to multiple women online not to talk about meeting for coffee or dinner and kissing many women lol


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> the idea of " Multi dating " is like looking for a job you send out 3 cv and respond to 3 job offers every day in the hope one excepts , it is looking for any job instead of the ""job""
> IN 2 months you have sent out over 180 response it is starting to look that you will take any job and not the best you for you





frenchpaddy said:


> and I thought you are the type that don't like people and small talk so how you could be open to so much chatting to multiple women online not to talk about meeting for coffee or dinner and kissing many women lol


?

Sorry, I don't follow


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it depends on what you call dating , and what type interaction you are having with each person 
if you are meeting many women and just talking about the weather and small talk it is not dating 
if your chatting and telling them you are interested in them as a person that you find them attractive then you are dating and to be honest in you intentions to invest and hope to start a relationship you can only do this to one woman at a time 

i think if your having sex with a woman , even if this woman knows that it is just sex friends you can not take out a woman on a second date if you still are holding on to your sex friend , that is just my take on it very hard to give a full response to something that I am not involved in and don't see my self ever again involved in with a woman.

but if I was giving advice to my son and daughter I would give the same advice to both , 
if you are looking to get romantic and establish a romantic connection with a person you should only concentrate on one potential person at a time ,


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> it depends on what you call dating , and what type interaction you are having with each person
> if you are meeting many women and just talking about the weather and small talk it is not dating
> if your chatting and telling them you are interested in them as a person that you find them attractive then you are dating and to be honest in you intentions to invest and hope to start a relationship you can only do this to one woman at a time


Well it's meeting women and getting to know them and seeing if we are compatible. There may be some physical contact but I consider it official and exclusive after first kiss. 
I would drop everyone else after that.

So this isn't multi-dating?



> i think if your having sex with a woman , even if this woman knows that it is just sex friends you can not take out a woman on a second date if you still are holding on to your sex friend , that is just my take on it very hard to give a full response to something that I am not involved in and don't see my self ever again involved in with a woman.


Yes, I don't believe in multi-kissing or multi-banging.

So, does this make me a good boy? 👼


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i think the 60s are long gone , love and peace days when people thought it was good to have casual relationships including casual sex , 

today if people are trying to find a life partner I think what the two people put in is what they get out , if your not putting your whole self into it and showing that your serous in what your looking for then it is hard to expect that the other person will take you as serous;

what makes the big difference here is the different types of dating you get good people like you  that are looking to build a relationship but you do get the people that casual date even without it going to the bed room , they just like to share other peoples companies

so we don't know when we are meeting a person if they are looking for the same thing out of the date or dates , some are happy to go on many dates with their sugar daddy or sugar mammy as long as it is not costing them too much and they are getting what ever they want out of it ,


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think the 60s are long gone , love and peace days when people thought it was good to have casual relationships including casual sex ,
> 
> today if people are trying to find a life partner I think what the two people put in is what they get out , if your not putting your whole self into it and showing that your serous in what your looking for then it is hard to expect that the other person will take you as serous;
> 
> ...


I'm a good boy! I'll take that! 😇👼 lol

If it's not multi-dating what I'm doing then, maybe I should call it multi-chatting? Multi-meeting? Would it be dishonest to call it as such?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

people get hurt in dating , they put themselves out there they invest their feelings and some times the other person is not looking for the same outcome , this is where it is hard , 

And for men more so they are told by culture that it is for the man to make the first move , 
even today while more women are happy to ask a man out it is still not common 

so if a man is in a bar or night club , he see a girl with other girls , he has to have a lot of courage to go up to them and ask that girl out , he is expecting to get knocked down, because of how many times he has been knocked down before 

on the other hand you get the same girl that saw the guy looking and she wants him to move but because she is with her friends she does not want to be the one to brake up the party 

or you get the girl that wants a guy to ask her out but she is waiting for him to do so , i would not be suprised that a lot more girls would be open to getting to know or open to a date with guys than we know of , from speaking to woman that have said things like if he only know I was willing to do more but he gave the whole night beating around the bush .

customs , the right thing to do , old ideas , keeping the appearance , **** shaming , and a whole lot of mishmash come into play , I think people are a lot more open to dating others than they know 

it is why we get some fellows that ask every girl in a nightclub hoping that one will say yes but it mostly ends up as a one night stand unless he is a real dead beat or both are and they stay dating each other because they thought they both are 5 even thought they might be 7 and think they have no hope in getting a 10 😍


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> people get hurt in dating , they put themselves out there they invest their feelings and some times the other person is not looking for the same outcome , this is where it is hard ,
> 
> And for men more so they are told by culture that it is for the man to make the first move ,
> even today while more women are happy to ask a man out it is still not common
> ...


Before I did online dating it was purely organic.
I make the first move when I have a good feeling that it's going to be a positive outcome based on signals.

I don't drink so I don't meet at the bar or night club, I approached women randomly. The problem with organic encounters is that I ended up picking up women who were not compatible. My last ex for instance, was 14 years younger than me. There have been encounters where the woman was not exactly single either. Yet right now, with how it is with online dating, I'm very close to just forgetting about compatibility, and focus on chemistry first again, regardless of how much of a trainwreck or iceberg it is.

Right now, I REGRET, letting the ship sail with the last organic encounter at work. If such an opportunity happens again, I will take the risk.

Anyway, off-topic, this is about multi-dating. Or multi-chatting/multi-meeting. In online dating, there isn't really much of an option. You simply have to. Chemistry is not automatic like it is when it's organic.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Well it's meeting women and getting to know them and seeing if we are compatible. There may be some physical contact but I consider it official and exclusive after first kiss.
> I would drop everyone else after that.
> 
> So this isn't multi-dating?
> ...


While just dating? When single the whole goal was dating more than one at a time, and all that entailed. Just be tactful and respectful.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> While just dating? When single the whole goal was dating more than one at a time, and all that entailed. Just be tactful and respectful.


Aye, first page of responses seem like it can bring a whole lot of misunderstanding though.

I got a feeling one of my potential dates may ask if I'm seeing someone else, wonder what answer should I gave that doesn't portray me as some playboy, because I'm not.

I can just say yes, but then they may assume I'm like the guy on the bachelor kissing and fking multiple women months on end when really I'm not.

Aside from fbuddy but I haven't seen her all week and I won't see her if things kick off with one of the two.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, first page of responses seem like it can bring a whole lot of misunderstanding though.
> 
> I got a feeling one of my potential dates may ask if I'm seeing someone else, wonder what answer should I gave that doesn't portray me as some playboy, because I'm not.
> 
> I can just say yes, but then they may assume I'm like the guy on the bachelor kissing and fking when really I'm not.


If you're on a dating site, how can a person who you're chatting with expect you're NOT dating?

If you say no, they'll wonder why you're terribly unsuccessful.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you're on a dating site, how can a person who you're chatting with expect you're NOT dating?
> 
> If you say no, they'll wonder why you're terribly unsuccessful.


Well, it's just one of them really, it's just that her last dates the two didn't see anyone else while they were dating each other(or so she says), so if she asks me the question I worry about my answer.

Maybe I'm thinking too much but judging by the first page of responses I may be misunderstood.

Meh date probably won't even happen with this one anyway lol 😆 this is more a curious thread


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Well, it's just one of them really, it's just that her last dates the two didn't see anyone else while they were dating each other(or so she says), so if she asks me the question I worry about my answer.
> 
> Maybe I'm thinking too much but judging by the first page of responses I may be misunderstood.
> 
> Meh date probably won't even happen with this one anyway lol 😆 this is more a curious thread


Either way you answer isn't world ending.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Either way you answer isn't world ending.


Online dating might, quite frankly I feel I'm on my last legs with this crap. Last two matches, not swiping anymore I dunno how others do this for years.

So I'm making it count.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> Online dating might, quite frankly I feel I'm on my last legs with this crap. Last two matches, not swiping anymore I dunno how others do this for years.
> 
> So I'm making it count.


Use your imagination, go wild on the next couple, then bail.
Just to see if being extremely this or that works differently. Could provide insight.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the big question here is once the two people starting out on dating agree on exclusive


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Use your imagination, go wild on the next couple, then bail.
> Just to see if being extremely this or that works differently. Could provide insight.


Yeah thats what I did to a new match today. Asked her out straight off the bat tonight, she was like having dinner with friends I just replied maybe next time. 

Meh whatever


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

no one likes a two timer , but many two timers don't see the wrong in what they are doing , it is no different to the couple that are not get along but instead of braking up before they start something with a new person they decide to cheat , a two timer is a cheat in ways


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> the big question here is once the two people starting out on dating agree on exclusive


If exclusivity is agreed upon multi dating is immoral.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> If exclusivity is agreed upon multi dating is immoral.


 there is that gray area where before the two talk about exclusivity if one thinks it is employed with out saying it


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> there is that gray area where before the two talk about exclusivity if one thinks it is employed with out saying it


Thats the issue yes if they make the wrong assumption.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it is nice to hedge your bets , and keep a door open while your exploring the other but and hard to know when to ask if you ask to early you look needy , if you ask too late they think your a player , not at all easy , but a good boy like you that sits back and sizes things up first would be able handle it ,


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> it is nice to hedge your bets , and keep a door open while your exploring the other but and hard to know when to ask if you ask to early you look needy , if you ask too late they think your a player , not at all easy , but a good boy like you that sits back and sizes things up first would be able handle it ,


I don't even ask, I just assume they are seeing others too 😅


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I don't even ask, I just assume they are seeing others too 😅


 honest communication is the key , that way you know where you stand and , they know it is best not to think your a mind reader and my crystal balls are broken ,lol


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Multi dating insinuated that the person isn’t serious about the relationship and is a player. Players aren’t attractive or stable. I would have zero time for someone dating me and banging someone else. The scenarios you present sound like an Austin Powers parody. Juvenile and skanky.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frenchpaddy said:


> no one likes a two timer , but many two timers don't see the wrong in what they are doing , it is no different to the couple that are not get along but instead of braking up before they start something with a new person they decide to cheat , a two timer is a cheat in ways


If single, and no talks of exclusivity with any one person, do some consider dating two or three at once cheating?

How is that? A serious question. That seems strange, and kind of incongruous.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> Multi dating insinuated that the person isn’t serious about the relationship and is a player. Players aren’t attractive or stable. I would have zero time for someone dating me and banging someone else. The scenarios you present sound like an Austin Powers parody. Juvenile and skanky.


How can a person even BE serious when dating a woman for a first date?

Seems even a bit unstable. Statistically to think every date is their one and only. Self centered even.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I didn’t say first date. I meant that when someone is in a sexual relationship they shouldn’t be looking to date more people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Online dating might, quite frankly I feel I'm on my last legs with this crap. Last two matches, not swiping anymore I dunno how others do this for years.
> 
> So I'm making it count.


Could you be more selective about what dating sites you go on? For a start, scrap the ones like Tinder, join ones for your local area where you have to get to know someone from their profile not just their photo. Ones that aren't basically just to meet and have sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> I didn’t say first date. I meant that when someone is in a sexual relationship they shouldn’t be looking to date more people.


I get that, if the sex is happening and there's talk of exclusivity.

Otherwise still just dating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If single, and no talks of exclusivity with any one person, do some consider dating two or three at once cheating?
> 
> How is that? A serious question. That seems strange, and kind of incongruous.


For me exclusivity was always assumed. There was never a need to have any sort of conversation about it. 
Yes I would definitely see it as cheating and would have no interest in a guy who did that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> i think the 60s are long gone , love and peace days when people thought it was good to have casual relationships including casual sex ,
> 
> today if people are trying to find a life partner I think what the two people put in is what they get out , if your not putting your whole self into it and showing that your serous in what your looking for then it is hard to expect that the other person will take you as serous;
> 
> ...


You bring up a good point about why people are dating. Some just want lots of casual dates and sex, so they would be fine about dating several at once. Others want a long term partner/spouse as I did which is a whole different ball game.
You look at OLD very differently depending on what your aims are.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> For me exclusivity was always assumed. There was never a need to have any sort of conversation about it.
> Yes I would definitely see it as cheating and would have no interest in a guy who did that.


I'm not saying there are different approaches and that's certainly ok and understandable. 

The guy def shouldn't be tactless or rude, nand lie about things but to me, if no exclusive talk, the guy is giving a woman he barely knows complete agency over his social life. 

He always gives his date his complete attention and has a great date, and puts her first on the date. But, to hand over his social life schedule to her immediately is a bit off.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> If/when you are single, do you multi-date? Do you think it's a good or bad thing? If you get official and realise your new partner has been dating (maybe even kissing, or even banging) someone else while seeing you, would that be a problem? Do you also have a problem with them keeping in contact with former dates that became friends/penpals?


Ah, a topic near and dear to my heart. IMO, as long as there is at least one person you aren't seeing on a regular basis and it's obvious the relationship has great potential (yes I know, most will say there needs to be an "exclusivity" talk or agreement), I see no problem with it.

But in situations where you are really into a person, they are into you, and its obvious the relationship is special, even without officially declaring exclusivity, then I think it's disrespectful and a person risks losing that special person if their love interest finds out.

I don't make commitments anymore because I'm done with them, and getting divorced from a cheater and the whole "multi-dating" thing is why. So I don't have to worry about this as far as my relationships go.

But back in the day I had someone who I was seeing for about a month. We spent several days a week together and it was obvious we really liked each other. No "exclusivity" talk, but some things just shouldn't have to be said. We went everywhere together, held hands, it was obviously a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

Then I found out she was also seeing a couple other guys behind my back, which I found odd because we were with each other quite alot. I got the impression that she'd see the other guys late night, and you know what I'm talking about.

So I ended the relationship. She went off on me saying that we never said we were exclusive. I asked her, did you want to be exclusive? Do you want a committed relationship with me? She said, "YES!". My reply: "Well then you just went about it the wrong way." Sorry, I have no interest in women who are going to multi-date me and expect me to fight for her, because they know damn well if they found out I was sleeping with other women, I'd get a slap across the face and a goodbye.



> When meeting someone new I feel it's kinda a bit too much to expect that a new date would drop every other option just to go for you exclusively.


Someone new, I agree. But if you have invested quality time with this person, say, over the course of several weeks, maybe a month, and it's obvious you are into her, there comes a point where you should know that you shouldn't be seeing other women if you really want something to happen with this person you have been seeing for a while, talk of exclusivity or not.

Again, some things just shouldn't have to be said.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Isn't there already, The Bachelor?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I hate these show. First, I realize they are likely, mostly fake.

Having said that, the idea of a bunch of women fighting for one guy, or vice versa, if it is legit, how stupid do they have to be?

"I'm in love with both of you and I have been intimate with both of you" If a woman told me that, I'd just look at the other guy and say "The trollop is all yours dude, good luck with that"


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Once I am dating someone I wouldn't date someone else. As far as I am concerned we are exclusive and if I found out he was dating others I am out. Not interested in a guy who thinks that's in anyway ok.


This is my take on it. I'm not going to disrespect someone by pissing all over their efforts by giving me their affections, then turn around and disrespect her like that. At least that's the way I have been in the past before mulit-dating(and divorcing a cheating wife) ruined the notion of relationships for me.

I don't multi-date even now, but I let anyone I'm with know I'm not looking for commitment either. But still, weird I know, I don't date anyone else if I'm seeing someone. Just something about me is clinging on to that respect thing.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm not saying there are different approaches and that's certainly ok and understandable.
> 
> The guy def shouldn't be tactless or rude, nand lie about things but to me, if no exclusive talk, the guy is giving a woman he barely knows complete agency over his social life.
> 
> He always gives his date his complete attention and has a great date, and puts her first on the date. But, to hand over his social life schedule to her immediately is a bit off.


It's his choice to date several people at once and it's hers to put up with it or not.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

drencrom said:


> Ah, a topic near and dear to my heart. IMO, as long as there is at least one person you aren't seeing on a regular basis and it's obvious the relationship has great potential (yes I know, most will say there needs to be an "exclusivity" talk or agreement), I see no problem with it.
> 
> But in situations where you are really into a person, they are into you, and its obvious the relationship is special, even without officially declaring exclusivity, then I think it's disrespectful and a person risks losing that special person if their love interest finds out.
> 
> ...


Over the course of several weeks in a burgeoning relationship is or can be a different scenario, agreed.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think you should tell dates you’re sexually active with others. That is t assumed and some women do want to know because of disease etc


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

drencrom said:


> This is my take on it. I'm not going to disrespect someone by pissing all over their efforts by giving me their affections, then turn around and disrespect her like that. At least that's the way I have been in the past before mulit-dating(and divorcing a cheating wife) ruined the notion of relationships for me.
> 
> I don't multi-date even now, but I let anyone I'm with know I'm not looking for commitment either. But still, weird I know, I don't date anyone else if I'm seeing someone. Just something about me is clinging on to that respect thing.


Before I met my first husband I had dated a guy for several months. Found out he was dating another lady as well. Even though I was very upset I dropped him like a hot potato. Even at 17 I had enough self respect not to put up with that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Could you be more selective about what dating sites you go on? For a start, scrap the ones like Tinder, join ones for your local area where you have to get to know someone from their profile not just their photo. Ones that aren't basically just to meet and have sex.


Tinder is 100% scammers, every single match I've had are scammers asking for my whatsapp within minutes. They do nothing about it.

I'm using Bumble, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel, there are profiles and such.



Diana7 said:


> For me exclusivity was always assumed.


Wow really?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm not saying there are different approaches and that's certainly ok and understandable.
> 
> The guy def shouldn't be tactless or rude, nand lie about things but to me, if no exclusive talk, the guy is giving a woman he barely knows complete agency over his social life.
> 
> He always gives his date his complete attention and has a great date, and puts her first on the date. But, to hand over his social life schedule to her immediately is a bit off.


Thank you son of Ragnar!!! 🙏 Wisdom of Odin!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

drencrom said:


> Ah, a topic near and dear to my heart. IMO, as long as there is at least one person you aren't seeing on a regular basis and it's obvious the relationship has great potential (yes I know, most will say there needs to be an "exclusivity" talk or agreement), I see no problem with it.
> 
> But in situations where you are really into a person, they are into you, and its obvious the relationship is special, even without officially declaring exclusivity, then I think it's disrespectful and a person risks losing that special person if their love interest finds out.
> 
> ...





drencrom said:


> This is my take on it. I'm not going to disrespect someone by pissing all over their efforts by giving me their affections, then turn around and disrespect her like that. At least that's the way I have been in the past before mulit-dating(and divorcing a cheating wife) ruined the notion of relationships for me.
> 
> I don't multi-date even now, but I let anyone I'm with know I'm not looking for commitment either. But still, weird I know, I don't date anyone else if I'm seeing someone. Just something about me is clinging on to that respect thing.


Before my plan was to cut ties with my fbuddy once I reached first base with someone new. However, that someone new I didn't even end up meeting because... reasons  (see my private thread for more details). So imagine if I cut ties with fbuddy then! I would be spewing!

I am meeting someone new this weekend, and another next weekend. Will be the last two with online dating, I'm so done with it really. No reason for me to cut ties with fbuddy right? Regardless I haven't even initiated anything with her all week and we no longer plan our dates, it's spontaneous (aka low priority).


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

dating is not like trading in the old car and driving away with a new one , there is the risk you end up with nothing


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> dating is not like trading in the old car and driving away with a new one , there is the risk you end up with nothing


I haven't even met the new prospects yet.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

as I say do to others as you expect them to do to you /or for you


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> as I say do to others as you expect them to do to you /or for you


Well in that case I'm doing everything exactly right


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

drencrom said:


> I hate these show. First, I realize they are likely, mostly fake.
> 
> Having said that, the idea of a bunch of women fighting for one guy, or vice versa, if it is legit, how stupid do they have to be?
> 
> "I'm in love with both of you and I have been intimate with both of you" If a woman told me that, I'd just look at the other guy and say "The trollop is all yours dude, good luck with that"


It's hilarious hahahaha I was laughing my ass off the whole trailer especially the parts when they were crying  
Like really though, it's what they signed up for with the TV show hahahaha and thats REAL multi-dating with multi kissing and multi banging!


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I haven't even met the new prospects yet.


 I will give you my honest response you have talked about your fb many times saying that you know it is not for ever 
so why not call it off and start with a clean slate , I understand 100% where your coming from but the other way is best , and I wish you do find the right person for you , too many good ones out there hurting and not giving new ones a chance


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

frenchpaddy said:


> I will give you my honest response you have talked about your fb many times saying that you know it is not for ever
> so why not call it off and start with a clean slate , I understand 100% where your coming from but the other way is best , and I wish you do find the right person for you , too many good ones out there hurting and not giving new ones a chance


Because then it's back to being a wanker choking my chicken with my hands.










I know I'm going to regret it.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You are using someone you don’t like. That’s pretty ****ty.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> You are using someone you don’t like. That’s pretty ****ty.


Who said you don't like them? Of course you like and respect them. You do, becauseyou asked them on a date for goodness sake, and the relationship may grow, then things change. 

How do you mean that dating a person once or twice is *using* them? 

My stars, they may be dating others too, likely are!


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When a man has casual sex with a woman regardless of how consensual and honest the arrangement is, it is automatically assumed he is using her.

Hell, it's her who doesn't want exclusivity too.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> When a man has casual sex with a woman regardless of how consensual and honest the arrangement is, it is automatically assumed he is using her.
> 
> Hell, it's her who doesn't want exclusivity too.


That's what folks don't seem to get. No one should give over agency of their social life to a one or two date situation unless extraordinary circumstances. Very extraordinary.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Enigma32 said:


> I kinda like the deathmatch idea. Maybe a TV show style dating competition where you go out with them all and see who you like the best.


God no! People like that don't seem to be satisfied with attention from one person.


----------



## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> I am meeting someone new this weekend, and another next weekend. Will be the last two with online dating, I'm so done with it really. No reason for me to cut ties with fbuddy right? Regardless I haven't even initiated anything with her all week and we no longer plan our dates, it's spontaneous (aka low priority).


No, no reason to cut ties with fbuddy just after the first couple of dates with someone new. But it should become obvious, exclusivity talk or not, that more than that and you are into each other, the fbuddy should be history. If you want to see if a relationship is going somewhere, you can't do it while disrespecting them, at that point, behind there back.

But a few casual dates, no, no reason to ditch the other. I think everyone knows when they start to get feelings for someone. And it's at that point multi-dating should stop.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's what folks don't seem to get. No one should give over agency of their social life to a one or two date situation unless extraordinary circumstances. Very extraordinary.





drencrom said:


> No, no reason to cut ties with fbuddy just after the first couple of dates with someone new. But it should become obvious, exclusivity talk or not, that more than that and you are into each other, the fbuddy should be history. If you want to see if a relationship is going somewhere, you can't do it while disrespecting them, at that point, behind there back.
> 
> But a few casual dates, no, no reason to ditch the other. I think everyone knows when they start to get feelings for someone. And it's at that point multi-dating should stop.


Thanks guys, yet there seems to be lots of folks on the other side of this fence! lol


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Multi-Dating: Is It a Good Idea? - Busted Halo
> 
> 
> Question: Is it OK to date more than one person at a time? Answer: The straightforward answer is you are free to date more than…
> ...


I don't think chatting is multi-dating, but once you agree to go out and the possibility of getting handsy exists, it's a whole different ballgame. Chatting is a great way to feel someone out and scan for initial compatibility. You must know what sort of personality works for you, and your tolerance level for certain things, so you can eliminate outliers at that point. 

I never talked to more than 2 or 3 men at a time, and I knew pretty quickly if we clicked or not. I also eliminated quickly. If someone wasn't flirty at all, appeared too busy to talk or gave shallow answers, I assumed they were chatting up a bunch of women and not really interested. 

Conversely, if someone tried to rush me to go out before I felt comfortable, I also let them know and unmatched. I know people say you should meet ASAP and not talk much before dating, but that didn't feel right for me. So I took that as a sign of incompatibility. When to meet is all about your comfort level and intuition. 

I didn't see the point of wasting time (theirs or mine) going out with anyone I wasn't really interested in, so I truly don't understand the pen-pal attitude. Sh1t or get off the pot, sheesh!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Tinder is 100% scammers, every single match I've had are scammers asking for my whatsapp within minutes. They do nothing about it.
> 
> I'm using Bumble, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel, there are profiles and such.
> 
> ...


Yeh.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

drencrom said:


> No, no reason to cut ties with fbuddy just after the first couple of dates with someone new. But it should become obvious, exclusivity talk or not, that more than that and you are into each other, the fbuddy should be history. If you want to see if a relationship is going somewhere, you can't do it while disrespecting them, at that point, behind there back.
> 
> But a few casual dates, no, no reason to ditch the other. I think everyone knows when they start to get feelings for someone. And it's at that point multi-dating should stop.


Exactly


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snowbum said:


> You are using someone you don’t like. That’s pretty ****ty.


Yes very.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> I don't think chatting is multi-dating, but once you agree to go out and the possibility of getting handsy exists, it's a whole different ballgame. Chatting is a great way to feel someone out and scan for initial compatibility. You must know what sort of personality works for you, and your tolerance level for certain things, so you can eliminate outliers at that point.


But once you go out and meet there may not be chemistry and maybe that chemistry needs more than one date. That's the thing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

snowbum said:


> You are using someone you don’t like. That’s pretty ****ty.


I ask again, why do you say the one asking you on a date doesn't like like you? He or she *asked you on a date because they like you* and are interested to see where in might go.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's what folks don't seem to get. No one should give over agency of their social life to a one or two date situation unless extraordinary circumstances. Very extraordinary.


That's why you need to find someone who treats dating as you do. From our first date neither of us was either messaging anyone else or dating anyone else.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Yes very.


You're assuming they don't like you, why is that?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> But once you go out and meet there may not be chemistry and maybe that chemistry needs more than one date. That's the thing.


I think you have a pretty good idea after one date and some online communication if you want to take things further.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You're assuming they don't like you, why is that?


Who doesn't like me?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> I think you have a pretty good idea after one date and some online communication if you want to take things further.


Not everyone is that lucky to have chemistry like that.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Not everyone is that lucky to have chemistry like that.


Who don't you just stick to one dating site. Honestly I couldn't cope with all the people at once. I was almost always on one site and it was a British one so smaller.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Who doesn't like me?


You keep saying the guy you went on the date with doesn't like you while he's dating you.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> But once you go out and meet there may not be chemistry and maybe that chemistry needs more than one date. That's the thing.


True, and you adjust to suit, but you'll know if you want to give it longer or not at that point. 

I think of multi-dating as hedging your bets and looking for security. There's no honesty, vulnerability or sense of adventure there. 

If I'm interested in a man, he will always know - I'm flirty and chatty. I can't do that with all and sundry, it feels cheap. How do you get excited about seeing multiple people, and build anticipation? Lining up a calendar is for chores and job interviews not potentially meeting someone who knocks your socks off.

Every so often, I'll think about my bf's and my first date and get all warm and fuzzy, because it was really perfect. We're at the comfortable stage now where we're getting to know each other on a deeper level so there's not a lot of uncertainty, but it's nice to remember how it started. I doubt I'd have those fond memories if he was one of many dates lined up for that week.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Who don't you just stick to one dating site. Honestly I couldn't cope with all the people at once. I was almost always on one site and it was a British one so smaller.


I've already stopped swiping to stop the inflow, yet I'm getting matches from those I swiped right from months ago. 

Besides if I just use one I may not get anything at all, yet there could be 3 on another, and vice versa. I can't control it how many I get at one time, and I still do want to meet someone.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> It's hilarious hahahaha I was laughing my ass off the whole trailer especially the parts when they were crying
> Like really though, it's what they signed up for with the TV show hahahaha and thats REAL multi-dating with multi kissing and multi banging!


You know, I never got through an entire episode of that, the idea of swapping spit with all those people turned my stomach.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> True, and you adjust to suit, but you'll know if you want to give it longer or not at that point.
> 
> I think of multi-dating as hedging your bets and looking for security. There's no honesty, vulnerability or sense of adventure there.
> 
> ...


I've just had a date cancelled by someone who was flirty and chatty and more. I actually really liked her too. Check out the details on my private thread.

This is the reality of how it's like in the trenches. This is why I can't put all my eggs in one basket.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I've just had a date cancelled by someone who was flirty and chatty. This is the reality of how it's like in the trenches.
> 
> This is why I can't put all my eggs in one basket.


Yes, but you were waiting for the perfect setting and got too invested. If you had asked her out instead of waiting weeks to meet up, I doubt you'd have been that disappointed if things didn't work out regardless of the reason. 

Is your FWB part of why you're so lax in escalating?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> If/when you are single, do you multi-date? *YES* Do you think it's a good or bad thing? *GOOD* If you get official and realise your new partner has been dating (maybe even kissing, or even banging) someone else while seeing you, would that be a problem? *NO *Do you also have a problem with them keeping in contact with former dates that became friends/penpals? *NO *


I've always muli-dated when I had the opportunity. Most of the women I dated were doing the same thing. Most of the time there was only a short period of time - a few dates at most - where this overlap happened. By then, we'd both know if there was real potential and if so, we'd usually agree to be exclusive. Most of the time there is only one person who has that deep attraction and potential, so the decision is easy. When you are seeking a relationship, this approach is very effective for meeting and screening multiple people at a time, because most of the time you never get beyond a couple of dates before moving on or becoming exclusive. 

However, if I met someone who was against multi-dating, I'd date them IF I wasn't also dating someone else at the time. I'd respect their process until we either broke up or decided to be a couple.

Starting from scratch each time means many lost opportunities and can greatly extend the time it takes to find a great relationship. It gets a little more complicated if things are about to become sexual, and in my experience, that almost always happens by the third date. Then you either make a decision about exclusivity, or discuss and disclose where things stand; it's only complex if you're dating more than one really _amazing_ person. Often, it wasn't an issue even with sex involved - we just agreed to use proper precautions and go from there. I - and most of the women I dated - wanted to determine sexual compatibility before agreeing to exclusive dating; if it doesn't work out there may already be someone else who is that great match, and who has also been informed of what's going on. The most important thing in multi-dating, IMO, is ethical behavior and informed consent; sadly, many people can't meet that standard, but I've always been able to avoid them.

While this doesn't apply to most people, I am polyamorous, and some of the women I met were also, or were interested enough to explore it. Some of my dating experiences turned into two simultaneous long-term relationships.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> Yes, but you were waiting for the perfect setting and got too invested. If you had asked her out instead of waiting weeks to meet up, I doubt you'd have been that disappointed if things didn't work out regardless of the reason.
> 
> Is your FWB part of why you're so lax in escalating?


I DID ask her out, and she gave me VERY valid excuses. I didn't expect things to turn out the way it did. I didn't expect that her excuses were all BS.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I have no dog in this fight, but just as a casual observer, it has some problems....for me, anyway...

I dunno...Maybe it's because I would never just "date" women for the sake of a date, I would think that it would take a fair number of hurdles just to get to the point of an initial date...So, if I am being that selective, why wouldn't I want the same of the other person? Another aspect is that I think its probably best to give the person you have decided to date, your full interest and time/attention...If it doesn't work, then move on and start over...

I think people do this out of some level of insecurity...

Like stated, I think some people just see this as some kind of sport...I wouldn't...I have a lot of other things I can think of that would be far more rewarding and enjoyable than dating a bunch of women, for the sake of something to do...I do think it's important that you tell the other person that you aren't "shopping" them, so you expect the same in return....If they don't feel the same, that's fine, but at that point you can decide to not participate....

SO, that is just one guys opinion...For some other people, it's probably completely acceptable...I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, just differences in the way people orchestrate their lives.


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## Brian from Columbus (Dec 9, 2020)

My wife dated me and another guy briefly (3 months) while she made up her mind, Oddly, he was a friend of mine. It was a strange sensation knowing she was with another guy and me in the same time frame, she admitted she was intimate with us both. We got past that period of time , even though at times I had a head rush of emotions and phobias!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You keep saying the guy you went on the date with doesn't like you while he's dating you.


Some guys do use women for sex only therefore care little for them.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> I DID ask her out, and she gave me VERY valid excuses. I didn't expect things to turn out the way it did. I didn't expect that her excuses were all BS.


That's incredibly dishonest of her, I'd block and unmatch. Life's too short to bother with people like that.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

TXTrini said:


> That's incredibly dishonest of her, I'd block and unmatch. Life's too short to bother with people like that.


She has reduced my faith in humanity even further, but taught me a very important lesson. Quite frankly I don't think I can trust even chemistry at this point the more I think about it. No exclusivity until at least first base.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> She has reduced my faith in humanity even further, but taught me a very important lesson. Quite frankly I don't think I can trust even chemistry at this point the more I think about it. No exclusivity until at least first base.


Huh??? You’re not even talking exclusivity with the one your banging. Now exclusive after 1 st base?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

snowbum said:


> Huh??? You’re not even talking exclusivity with the one your banging. Now exclusive after 1 st base?


Just because I'm banging her doesn't mean *she* wants exclusivity.

It may seem like news to you but women can enjoy casual sex too without commitment and freedom to see other people. Get over it.

Unlike others, my fbuddy has been the most honest with me from the get go. She has no pretentions.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> If/when you are single, do you multi-date? Do you think it's a good or bad thing? If you get official and realise your new partner has been dating (maybe even kissing, or even banging) someone else while seeing you, would that be a problem? Do you also have a problem with them keeping in contact with former dates that became friends/penpals?
> 
> When meeting someone new I feel it's kinda a bit too much to expect that a new date would drop every other option just to go for you exclusively. Yet someone new I'm talking to, she hasn't mentioned it but getting the gut feeling that's what she expects. Not that I can drop all my other options until I reach first base at the very least.
> 
> ...


Thoughts......... In college, I multi-dated until the woman I eventually married and I became exclusive. In fact the first time I met her, I drover her home and her mother asked me to stay for dinner. I politely declined, as I had a hot date on a boat cruising the shore to see romantic lights on a big lake with a stunning blonde I had dated before. 

I believe that in all relationships, one should set mutually agreed upon boundaries. If I am getting serious about someone, I want to spend all my free time with them or at least most of it, that means I want them to feel the same way about me. That leaves little to no time for multi-dating.

However, in this day and age with so many incurable SDI's, I must say I would be more than a little hesitant about a new sexual relationship without the use of condoms and I would quickly want to get each of us tested for STI's, prior to unprotected sex. As a 73 year old man, the women I would be dating would be generally too old to have babies. Because of concern over STI's I think that the concept of multiple sexual partners, or serious multi-dating, us it a wise approach, unless everyone knows the limits and agrees to them.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> What would be considered multi-dating really?
> 
> Is simply chatting to multiple women online considered multi-dating?
> Is it multi-dating only when physically dating more than one at a time?
> Is it multi-dating only when kissing more than one date at a time?


Like @hamadryad I have no skin in this game (thread) either. And I liked what he wrote.

I also wonder @RandomDude what is meant by multi-dating. If it's referring to having different first dates lined up, then I'd also assume the other person is doing the same. It was different when I was single, in that I wasn't looking for anything in particular with another. That is to say, I was young, single, not purposely seeking a relationship (or casual sex). Sprinkled with some form of fear of commitment, I was enjoying the interactions without thinking too far ahead.

While I'm hopeless at keeping journals, I had started one just weeks before Batman entered my world. As there were minimal entries, I'd ripped them out of the book and placed them inside a diary where I noted my social plans. What a trip. That age was a very social time! Just prior to meeting Batman, I mention 8 dudes within about a 2-week time span where there was some shared interest and smooches yet nothing serious from either perspective, and a few first dates. Granted, all met through someone I knew or hobby/scene. As you all don't know me from a bar of soap, although some may have a 'sense' of me by now, I will also relay that I didn't just date whomever asked. Then a girl-friend and I traveled together for a week, and upon return ....cue Batman.

Batman and I had met briefly a few times, then arranged to meet at a club and at which point over the phone he confirmed that I was single. It wasn't a date; no set time or plan. Following that conversation, a guy I had dated exclusively a few months prior, phoned out of the blue and lined up a date the same night I was to see Batman at the club. I intended to be there. I didn't share with Batman or him that I would be seeing the other. It just wasn't any of their business what my other plans were for that evening. Although no set time with Batman, it was inferred we'd be at the same club earlier in the night. Whereas the planned date was to be midnight at a different venue. Needless to say, and I'm not condoning it, but I didn't make it to the planned date with former boyfriend as Batman and I were getting all tingly with one another. I was enjoying my night too much to part from him. After that, Bats arranged our first date. We didn't talk of exclusivity straight off or even within the first few dates, other than he knew I wasn't down with casual sex. While we attempted to keep things 'loose' we inadvertently both were being exclusive anyway.

While this was a lifetime ago, I can't help but surmise that from what I understand of online dating it would be quite 'normal' to line up several first dates at least within the same week. Maybe it also depends on what each are seeking, however, while I would also assume that multi-dating would be occurring for both, I would not perceive that approach as some kind of pick-me dance or that it means being 'only' an option amongst others. I'd flip the script to consider that it's mutually determining whether you're both a fit.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bring back the old days (before my time) of dance-halls and filling up a dance card.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> Like @hamadryad I have no skin in this game (thread) either. And I liked what he wrote.
> 
> I also wonder @RandomDude what is meant by multi-dating. If it's referring to having different first dates lined up, then I'd also assume the other person is doing the same. It was different when I was single, in that I wasn't looking for anything in particular with another. That is to say, I was young, single, not purposely seeking a relationship (or casual sex). Sprinkled with some form of fear of commitment, I was enjoying the interactions without thinking too far ahead.


Well, it comes down to the potential question - "are you seeing anyone else?" If the answer is yes, that's multi-dating isn't it? Yet when you answer yes, they may assume I'm like the guy from the Bachelor banging multiple women at once, which I'm not.

I made this thread because I have a feeling that one of my potential dates may very well ask this question based on her history and dating patterns thus far which she shared. However, her date is next weekend. I'm seeing someone else this weekend, and I still have my fbuddy.



> While I'm hopeless at keeping journals, I had started one just weeks before Batman entered my world. As there were minimal entries, I'd ripped them out of the book and placed them inside a diary where I noted my social plans. What a trip. That age was a very social time! Just prior to meeting Batman, I mention 8 dudes within about a 2-week time span where there was some shared interest and smooches yet nothing serious from either perspective, and a few first dates. Granted, all met through someone I knew or hobby/scene. As you all don't know me from a bar of soap, although some may have a 'sense' of me by now, I will also relay that I didn't just date whomever asked. Then a girl-friend and I traveled together for a week, and upon return ....cue Batman.
> 
> Batman and I had met briefly a few times, then arranged to meet at a club and at which point over the phone he confirmed that I was single. It wasn't a date; no set time or plan. Following that conversation, a guy I had dated exclusively a few months prior, phoned out of the blue and lined up a date the same night I was to see Batman at the club. I intended to be there. I didn't share with Batman or him that I would be seeing the other. It just wasn't any of their business what my other plans were for that evening. Although no set time with Batman, it was inferred we'd be at the same club earlier in the night. Whereas the planned date was to be midnight at a different venue. Needless to say, and I'm not condoning it, but I didn't make it to the planned date with former boyfriend as Batman and I were getting all tingly with one another. I was enjoying my night too much to part from him. After that, Bats arranged our first date. We didn't talk of exclusivity straight off or even within the first few dates, other than he knew I wasn't down with casual sex. While we attempted to keep things 'loose' we inadvertently both were being exclusive anyway.
> 
> While this was a lifetime ago, I can't help but surmise that from what I understand of online dating it would be quite 'normal' to line up several first dates at least within the same week. Maybe it also depends on what each are seeking, however, while I would also assume that multi-dating would be occurring for both, I would not perceive that approach as some kind of pick-me dance or that it means being 'only' an option amongst others. I'd flip the script to consider that it's mutually determining whether you're both a fit.


Exclusivity wasn't even something I discussed with my ex-fiancee either. It just happened. She had four men she was toying with, plus several orbiters.
The four men she got rid of by *3rd* date, the orbiters took longer because they were at work I had to intervene and we did it together.

This was also an intense, high chemistry, love at first sight relationship that lasted four years.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Well, it comes down to the potential question - "are you seeing anyone else?" If the answer is yes, that's multi-dating isn't it? Yet when you answer yes, they may assume I'm like the guy from the Bachelor banging multiple women at once, which I'm not.
> 
> Exclusivity wasn't even something I discussed with my ex-fiancee either. It just happened. She had four men she was toying with, plus several orbiters.
> 
> The four men she got rid of by 3rd date, the orbiters took longer because they were at work I had to intervene and we did it together.


So what if the answer is yes if it's honest? Then it's on the person who asked to decipher whether they can deal. Especially as adults, in a hypothetical scenario for me, I would assume they would be anyway. If sex is on the table (compared to the bed, I kid, you know what I mean) and if it's something that happens without discussion about what that potentially means to one another, I also wouldn't be assuming that means exclusivity. No doubt at some point, preferably earlier on if that is occurring though, to establish together each others approach/priorities. If it's important to one to not be about casual sex and/or having sexual relations with various people, then that's particularly for the one who it's important to to discuss that first and preferably before having sex with the other. Although likely savvy for both to 'get' where each other is at in terms of progressing to a sexual relationship. Of course people can say what is needed to bed the other, and so it's up to the individual to determine to the best of their ability if they're willing to go there or not at a particular time within 'dating' (unless they're waiting for marriage or more formal signs of commitment). I'm feeling like a Dr Seuss book again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> So what if the answer is yes if it's honest? Then it's on the person who asked to decipher whether they can deal. Especially as adults, in a hypothetical scenario for me, I would assume they would be anyway. If sex is on the table (compared to the bed, I kid, you know what I mean) and if it's something that happens without discussion about what that potentially means to one another, I also wouldn't be assuming that means exclusivity. If it's important to one to not be about casual sex and/or having sexual relations with various people, then that's for the one who it's important to to discuss that first. I'm feeling like a Dr Seuss book again.


Very true. At this point, like you mentioned on the other thread. If she asks to be exclusive on the first date. It's a red flag and there will not be a second date.

Ha! There may not even be a first date anyway  Who the hell knows with online dating, it's a sh-tshow.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Very true. At this point, like you mentioned on the other thread. If she asks to be exclusive on the first date. It's a red flag and there will not be a second date.
> 
> Ha! There may not even be a first date anyway  Who the hell knows with online dating, it's a sh-tshow.


I edited after you quoted. 

Although, in fairness to her, she hasn't asked that yet right? You're going by gut feel. I do pay attention to my gut feel and so I'm not discounting yours, however, why not just ask her outright what her view of dating is?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> I believe that in all relationships, one should set mutually agreed upon boundaries. If I am getting serious about someone, I want to spend all my free time with them or at least most of it, that means I want them to feel the same way about me. That leaves little to no time for multi-dating.


And BINGO was his name-o.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ I can see how that may read contradictory to what I wrote before in some ways, however, I think there's a place for both perspectives. Perhaps anecdotally, it's that when my husband and I started dating we enjoyed being around one another so much that there wasn't consideration to continue dating others. It just occurred that way until we had a conversation further in that we wanted to be exclusive (even though we were behaving that way anyway). Although if he had raised it within the first few dates, I would have felt stifled and likely had run for the hills. Note previous mention of some form of fear of commitment ...back then. Instead, things unfolded at a natural pace and to an extent without expectation in the initial stages. However, I do understand it would (likely) be different when dating as adults, and certainly when/if one has children or other priorities to consider.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> I edited after you quoted.
> 
> Although, in fairness to her, she hasn't asked that yet right? You're going by gut feel. I do pay attention to my gut feel and so I'm not discounting yours, however, why not just ask her outright what her view of dating is?


Sure who knows maybe I'm just overthinking or overanalysing too, I made this thread for curious peer review into my thoughts anyway.

Well, she hasn't brought it up and I don't want to bring it up either if she is cool with it as that may only give off the impression of being a weirdo considering even you and I now both agree that asking for exclusivity on the first date is a big red flag. There's still 8 days of pre-meet communication to go with her anyway, impressions count.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You date under the context of your definition of dating. Nobody elses. If you have an ongoing dating relationship with someone, it may be advantageous to determine that both participants context aligns.
There was a time when I was dating that I had no other goal than meeting, hanging out with, and getting comfortable interacting with women. Wasn't looking for 'the one', or to get someone into the sack. At that time, I multi-dated. This is about a decade ago.
If mutual attraction and investment was apparent, or intimacy came into play, I ended other dating relationships and settled into my comfortable place. Monogamy.

I don't much feel compelled to argue with anyone elses frame of reference around dating. Especially when I already know they're wrong ...
I believe I told the story years ago, where I sent a message to a woman I had corresponded with as a courtesy, letting her know that I had met someone. I had not even been on a date with this woman. She lost her mind. She was VERY angry, insulted, offended, incredulous and shocked. I was a monster, and no gentleman.
I wished her the best, and 'encouraged' her to reevaluate how she viewed dating as an adult, divorced, woman, else she was in for a very rough go.

I don't need anyone else to approve of how I conduct my dating life. If I'm not dealing honestly with the people I'm dating, well, that's another thing too. 

I don't have the attention span or intelligence to multi-date anymore.

I'm no longer heavily invested in finding a long term partner to feel fulfilled. I am fulfilled. I'm interested in a partner to round out the edges. Someone with whom it's clear we respect how we conduct our lives, and there aren't any questions about what each of us brings to the table. We like the table we set together. I'm not interested in anyone who thinks I need to somehow prove myself, or thinks of themselves as a prize. There aren't anymore prizes where I sit at this point. Everyone is a used model at this point. And I think thats just fine. I just need to know I can embrace and appreciate your quirks, while fostering peace, love and understanding

Although I have a standing exception clause for Paulina Poriskova ... for WHEN we go on a date.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

RandomDude said:


> Sure who knows maybe I'm just overthinking or overanalysing too, I made this thread for curious peer review into my thoughts anyway.


YOU? Over-analyzing? Pishaw ...


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> I DID ask her out, and she gave me VERY valid excuses. I didn't expect things to turn out the way it did. I didn't expect that her excuses were all BS.


I have a rule when it comes to dating. Early on, especially leading up to the first date, if she gives literally an excuse for not meeting up, I walk away. Trust me, it will save you a lot of trouble if you adopt this rule.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Enigma32 said:


> I have a rule when it comes to dating. Early on, especially leading up to the first date, if she gives literally an excuse for not meeting up, I walk away. Trust me, it will save you a lot of trouble if you adopt this rule.


Yeah well I decided to stick to purely organic from now on. If it happens it happens. I scratched the itch anyway lol

Kinda stopped giving a sh-t with this online crap.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> Yeah well I decided to stick to purely organic from now on. If it happens it happens. I scratched the itch anyway lol
> 
> Kinda stopped giving a sh-t with this online crap.


The way users treat one another on OLD has a way of burning people out quickly. I feel your pain.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> Bring back the old days (before my time) of dance-halls and filling up a dance card.


NOOOOO. Cuz I can't dance.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

drencrom said:


> NOOOOO. Cuz I can't dance.
> 
> View attachment 89431


Isn't there a same 
Phil Collins song?


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