# Should I file for Divorce even if I don't want to?



## Joseph in Chicago (Oct 14, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years. This last year has been bad in terms of both our satisfaction in the marriage. Her main complaints have been that I'm not emotionally connected with her anymore and I don't do social activities with her friends. About 6 months ago she asked for a separation. I got angry and mentioned the divorce word (I got angry because I was going through a hard time when she asked). The next day she indicated she regretted asking for a separation. We both talked about working on the relationship. Fast forward 6 months and were in the same boat. we've gone to counseling and that did not work (we went to 3 sessions). In terms of working on the relationship I feel I've tried to do what she has asked. Though I didn't see the effort reciprocated. I was disappointed. One day recently I mentioned to her that maybe it would be best if we went our separate ways. She agreed. I mentioned I'd get a lawyer and we talked about the divorce being uncontested. Then we get intimate and we send each other mixed signals. We still sleep in the same bed and at times have sex but we don't kiss any more. We don't have kids. Right before I was to deliver the signed divorce papers to the attorney, she indicated why not try separation first. After thinking about it I said yes. Then the other day she asks if I was going to file or not? Strange because we just had this discussion. Mixed signals. We keep saying that we love each other. I do love her. I used to be depressed but now she's depressed. She sees a therapist. So I paid this attorney and pretty much put the divorce on hold. I initiated intimacy today and she told me she didn't want to send mixed signals but that's all I've been getting. Needless to say we did have sex. She did mention that we've pretty much tried everything and nothing has changed. I told her let's give separation a try. But she may be right. What are the chances of anything changing after separation. Selfishly enough, my biggest fear out of all of this is being alone. She has a large network of friends and I do not. Help! Should I file? I already paid the attorney. Though if anyone sees any hope or has gone through a similar experience successfully, please let me know. Thanks


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

3 whole counselling sessions, and that didn't magically fix your marriage? Go figure...

A separation without a plan is just delaying the inevitable. Unless the two of you are going to actively work on the issues you have (of which you neglected to comment on your issues with her), you might as well file now. It really doesn't seem (from your post) that either of you is focused on fixing things, but maybe that's just my take on your post.

C


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## Joseph in Chicago (Oct 14, 2013)

So what does a separation with a plan look like? I'm open to all and any advice. My issues; I asked her to travel with me in an attempt to reconcile a little bit of what we had. she refused, mainly because of financial concerns even though I offered to pay. I asked her to focus on us and to plan things together like we used to. She had on many occasions planned activities on weekends with her friends and invited me. I just asked that we (her and I) plan things to do on our own, again to attempt to reconcile.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Perhaps to start with... Find a counsellor and commit to regular sessions. Why did you two stop at 3? It took you years to get where you are; it will take more than 3 hours to fix.

Commit to weekly "dates". If the two of you can't commit to one evening a week, how committed are you both to fixing the marriage? Maybe you can alternate between a social thing with friends and a "two of you" thing?

See what issues come out of counselling, and work on them.

C


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## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

Commit to therapy/counseling. It's alright to get the guidance you need. But from your Post Title, I feel the same way but my husband is not trying to make it work.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This kind of limbo can go on indefinitely if you let it. The vibe I get from your post is that your wife wants out, but is too chicken sh!t to actually pull the trigger. She is still in the familiar comfort of the marriage, the home, etc, with the familiar comfort of you (who she doesnt actually want to be with any more) Bring up going to counseling again. If she really wants to work on things, she will be agreeable. If she puts you off, or refuses, then you have your answer, and can move forward with filing. You can always stop a divorce before it is final if things turn around.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

J in C 

"Her main complaints have been that I'm not emotionally connected with her anymore and I don't do social activities with her friends".

Hi there, from what I see you said she has a lot of friends, and you don't' have many, seems she is social where as you are not so social and she has tried to include you and perhaps you have been unwilling as you stated you want it to be just you and her. 

Also the biggest thing I see here from your wife is this emotional detachment, have you worked on that in counseling as it does sound that you love each other surely there is some common ground that you can both agree on. 

3 sessions won't cut it on finding out the real issues, looks like you may have to go and figure out inside yourself what the problems are start with yourself first. Why are you emotionally disconnected?

Well that's my 10 cents worth at this time 

Peace.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need your own activities. Are you overweight? How do you stay fit? Are smoking? Drinking too much?

Do you watch a lot of TV, play online games?


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

Do you both work. You do mention something like youre going to pay for something. That sounds like your money is separate.

I doubt that the 'social' activities are the problem.


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## rabbislatkin (Sep 23, 2013)

You write that your wife said that you've tried everything and nothing has changed. As a therapist, I can tell you it takes more than three sessions to see real change in a relationship. Furthermore, not all marriage counseling works. A lot of it can make it worse. Think of it this way, if a medical doctor told you that you had a life-threatening illness and you had two months to live, would you give up and die or would you get a second opinion? People seem to think that if one counselor doesn't work, then there marriage isn't worth fighting for. Find someone who is good and commit to doing whatever it takes to save the relationship. I often find that couples need to shift the way they view their relationship. Once they have that understanding they can develop hope that it can be saved. If you don't feel like counseling, there are programs you can do on your own. I created a home-study program for couples who are not getting good help elsewhere and may not be inclined to go to counseling. Whatever you do, do something and put your whole self in it. If you love her, it's worth the effort.


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Why on earth would you? Divorce is a LIFE ALTERING ORDEAL. You had better be committed to it and you are not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What kinds of things did you do to try to fix your marriage?

I agree that 3 counseling sessions are not enough to fix anything. So why did you stop after 3?

Before you give up, read the book "His Needs, Her Needs". That with more counseling might very well do the trick.


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