# My husband wants to go no contact with my family. I want my marriage to stay strong dealing with this.



## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.

For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex. 

I never understood why my mother liked him so much and always took up for him. If it was something she couldn't defend she just wouldn't say anything, and there were a ton of things she could not defend. It really hurt me when I was younger and further gaslit me into staying with him much longer then I should have. My ex knew this and would use my mom against me or get her to put pressure on me to do what he wanted. These things made it really hard for me to get away from him.

We went to my parents for Christmas. Everything was fine until my ex walked in with my brother. I have never been so shocked to see anyone. I just stared at him and didn't know what to say at first. Husband had no idea who he was and was really mad when I told him. My ex hugged me like 3 times and kept trying to talk to me. He even made a few comments about our past. It was the most awkward situation I have ever been in and husband was furious. 

When he left I started questioning my family. It hurt me that they would have him over, didn't think to ask how I would feel about it, or even give me a heads up. I told them I didn't want to be around him and asked them if they forgot what he did to me. Mom made excuses, dad didn't say a word. My husband took our son outside while this was going on and tried to stay out of it. 

We left a few minutes after. When we got into the car husband was way more pissed than I thought he was. He says they are completely toxic and don't give a **** about me. He wants to totally cut them off. When I told my husband about my ex when we were dating he was completely horrified, especially at my parents for not only supporting it but encouraging it. I didn't fully understand how screwed up our relationship was until years after it ended because it was just how it was at the time. My husband's family are great normal people so some of this was really foreign to him.

My husband's opinions are important to me so I am trying to come up a solution to this. He said he doesn't want my mother to screw up our kids like she did me, which hurt but mostly true. That comment really made me think. After dealing with with that from my ex and family I also want to reassure him about us. I am sure he is feeling some insecurity right now. We have both been really upset today. My marriage and children are my top priority.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I would feel the same as him. I would never step foot in their home again. I’m very sorry, it’s probably really hard to see when it’s all you know, but that is profoundly messed up. Choose your husband and children. PS I bet he didn’t mean they screwed you up but rather screwed you over and hurt you. As a mother, I cannot FATHOM doing this to my child. Ever. What they did was a huge f u to your husband. There’s no other way to see that. Cutting them off is not extreme. Supporting a man that abused you in every way is….abusive and bizarre and you deserved so much better than that. Don’t be loyal to people who are not loyal to you. I’m sorry your original family sucks .


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

😞 That is so gross, that your mother has some sort of obsession with your ex, and invited him knowing your husband would be there. Even if your husband wasn't going to be there, your ex was horribly abusive to you from what you're saying, and your mother should want nothing to do with him, especially since you're married.

I think your husband is right to feel as he does, and you don't need your mother in your life, if all she wants to do is humiliate and hurt you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but your mother owes you an apology, and to earn your trust back.

Stay true to your husband and your new family. I agree with your husband too, in that you don't want your mother to impact your kids, and create toxic memories for them,too.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

I will always choose them over my parents. My ex has been hanging out with my brother more so I guess that was why he was there. I have never understood why she liked him so much. It it inappropriate and bizarre to me but I thought maybe I was being dramatic. I really didn't think about it being an F you to my husband but it totally was.


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

This is very sad situation for your family--husband, son, and daughter in the oven. I agree with TWM & Deidre. You don't need your mother or brother in your life or your children's.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Aiken-L83 - Question:

Do you need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat?

Just how obvious does your families disrespect or sick perspective of "relationships" strike you?

Since your brother and rest of the family think the past with your "EX" is ok - and willingly subjected you and your family to his presence unannounced - you should realize *you* are way down the totem pole of importance in their lives.

*Avoid *going over there EVER again. "Grandpa" and "Grandma" can come visit - supervised - at your house.
Brother - nah - he is either stupid or woefully underskilled regarding relationships. Or just plain ignorant and/or inconsiderate. Or just plain stupid. 

I give your husband 101 kudos for not decking your ex for EVEN TOUCHING you given you have related your past to your husband regarding the EX. 

Holy Smoke! DO YOU SEE any of this?

Would you walk across a driveway covered in red-hot burning coal or wood? NO? Well then - you need to put a lot of distance between your "family" who thinks so little of you and YOUR family. Immediately.

Sorry to be so blunt but what you just posted is a page out of MY life.
I still resent those that participated and only tolerate them at SOME weddings and funerals.


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## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

Sometimes family trauma runs deep, beyond repair. I think It is generational & familiar to how your mother dealt with issues. For her to think that it’s ok to have your ex in their lives is very toxic especially knowing how he treated you while together is horrible. Think, if you would do this to your own daughter, would you allow this to happen to her? I think your husband judgement here is right, this kind of behavior is not normal and his reaction is valid. Who would want to celebrate Christmas with a wife’s ex and top of that who was abusive to her and cool with the family? Put up strict boundaries and ultimatums with your original family and for now distance yourselves.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Your brother knew what he was doing...Does your husband get along with him ?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

In front of your husband ex hugged you more than once (you are pregnant, married woman with kids) and tried to talk to you about past relationship

Is it just your husband who is angry and you are uncomfortable with your husband's reaction?

If your husband had written this article, I would have proposed a divorce.

What you wrote proves that you allow your husband and marriage to be disrespected.

your family is okay, start worrying about your marriage,I think your husband will start to move away from you soon


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

If I was in your husband's shoes that would be the last ime I entered your mother or brother's houses. They also would not be welcome in my house . They have absolutely zero class or respect for your family.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Aiken-L83 said:



My husband's opinions are important to me so I am trying to come up a solution to this. He said he doesn't want my mother to screw up our kids like she did me, which hurt but mostly true. That comment really made me think. After dealing with with that from my ex and family I also want to reassure him about us. I am sure he is feeling some insecurity right now. We have both been really upset today. My marriage and children are my top priority.

Click to expand...

*NEVER allow a spouse to tell you to cut ties with your family.

Jeez, you're infusing WAY too much drama into this.

Your mother makes unwise choices at times and isn't always smart enough to know any better or when she's not giving you enough consideration. That isn't a reason to cut your family from your life just because your husband's feelings were hurt. 

It was inappropriate, no doubt. All you need to do is tell them to NOT have Mr. Wonderful over to the house when you're there. If that is too much of a deal-breaker for them, THEN you can decide if you want to cut ties with them. But that's YOUR decision, not your husband's just because his feelings and ego were bruised and that's EXACTLY why he's telling you to cut your family out. What nerve.

It's not *ANY* spouse's place to tell you to cut ties with your family! If my husband ever tried that crap - for ANY reason - I'd be setting him straight real quick. But he'd never do that because he knows better and he isn't a drama queen.

Here's a little tip, OP. You're young and the truth is, husbands aren't always husbands for life. Sorry, but it's the truth. Anyone who can look at our divorce rate in the US can *easily* see that the chances you'll still be with this guy 20 years from now are at best, 50/50. The chances that your family will STILL be your biological family in 20 years? 30 years? 50 years? 

Those chances are *100%*.

I can't even TELL you how many times I've read stories over the years from women in their 40s or 50s who were now divorced after 20 or 25 years of marriage and had no family for support. Sadly, they had been foolish enough to let their husbands dictate that they cut ties with their families years before (for whatever reasons) and _not_ surprisingly, the marriage ended 15 or 20 years later, and here they were, all alone with no family to turn to and deeply regretting it.

The point I'm trying to make is to NOT make a mistake you'll regret. Whether they're good, bad or ugly, they're the family you were given, OP.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> NEVER allow a spouse to tell you to cut ties with your family.
> 
> Jeez, you're infusing WAY too much drama into this.
> 
> ...


I support this recommendation

basically this post encourages you to divorce your husband.

your family and ex are important, don't give up anything for your marriage, if your husband gives up on you, he doesn't love you anyway,

I agree that your husband doesn't deserve you, it's a good idea to divorce, he shouldn't be so affected by the time you spend with ex, you should be happy with your next partner


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I think what your mother and brother have done is disrespectful, to you and to your husband, to say the least. Did your mother know about ex coming? I would have a nice talk with your mom and brother, and ask why they would think that's appropriate to do, especially to your husband. Then I would cut them off. They are certainly NOT acting like family who has your back. There is no reason to invite this guy at all. It's just weird.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Your mom (and dad) were ok with you living with your ex when you were only SIXTEEN years old???? What kind of parent is ok with this?????

This ex was "abusive" and "threatened you ALL THE TIME" and now your parents (and brother) have no problem with him stepping foot into their home???? And still having a relationship with this loser??? And your mom "defended" this Ahole who was doing all of these HORRIFIC things to her daughter???

Your parents and brother are PATHETIC human beings. If I were your husband I too would never step foot in their home again nor would they be allowed in my home either and it wouldn't have anything to do with me or my "ego".

As their daughter, you're a gift from God, a precious jewel, and their primary role was to keep you safe and protect you and to love you. NOTHING about what you've described about them shows that they protected you because if they did you wouldn't be living with ANYONE at the age of SIXTEEN because at that age you are a child.

Throw in that this ex was "abusive" and "threatened you all the time"!!!!! Again where are your parents protecting you from this??? I can't tell you what I would do to ANY MAN who was "abusive" and "threatening" to my daughter (who is actually 16 yrs old right now). And now they have NO PROBLEM with this piece of $h!t walking into their home and "HUGGING YOU"??? 
That you would be ok with this animal touching you MULTIPLE times??

As your husband my responsibility is to protect you (and our children).

Your parents and brother are NOT safe people and they obviously do NOT respect you or value you or have your best interests at heart. If they are like this with their daughter/sister (and they are) why in the world would you (or your husband) want them around your precious children??

This is NOT about your husband telling you what you can or can't do (what a joke by the way). This is about your parents and brother who have shown you by their ACTIONS who and what they are. Once you know the nature of something (or someone) do NOT be surprised when they act in character.

Your husband doesn't have the right to keep you from having a relationship with your family (that's your decision), but if you decide to do so it will be away from your husband and not in your safe place (the home you and your husband and children created).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

sideways said:


> Your mom (and dad) were ok with you living with your ex when you were only SIXTEEN years old???? What kind of parent is ok with this?????
> 
> This ex was "abusive" and "threatened you ALL THE TIME" and now your parents (and brother) have no problem with him stepping foot into their home???? And still having a relationship with this loser???
> 
> ...


I agree with this assessment. 

OP please tell us why your parents let their 16 year old daughter go live eith a guy? How did that even happen in the first place? Did his parents live there in the house too with you and the boyfriend and did they know how bad the relationship was (and why were they okay with your moving in)?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Just because you share DNA with someone does not make you family. Your mother is controlling and your father is a limp d**k, and your brother is just an ass. Your mother lost me when she allowed you to move in with this creep at 16. Who the hell does that? If I were your husband, I would remove my presence and that of my children from your so called family forever, leaving you to do as you wish with them but honestly, you need to scrape them off as well.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like a very dysfunctional family to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How was your childhood until you left at 16? Does your husband usually get on with your parents and brother?


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.
> 
> For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex.
> 
> ...


I think I am going to be somewhat in the middle of what has been said to date. I do agree with @She'sStillGotIt of the part that you do not let your husband dictate who you see and don't see, but that is as far as it goes. It may be factual that your parents and brother will always be your _biological _family, but that does not mean that they are worthy of your love or attention. Blood means nothing if the person(s) is/are toxic.

But what you need to do now is decide, for yourself, is just how toxic are they. You have to decide if you still want them in your life after this, and your husband's wishes be damned on that singular point. That doesn't mean that you ignore his wishes on what happens with the children, nor even completely ignore what he wants for you. But it is your decision and your decision alone as to what happens from here out with your family.

At the very least, I would suggest that you lay down limits to your family. You are allowed to have limits even with them. Make it clear that while you would never think about dictating to them who can and cannot be in their house, that you want nothing to do with your ex, and that they should never surprise him on you like that again, and that he should not be allowed over while you are there, if they want you to visit them at their place. Failure to respect your limits can result in going no-contact. In this, assuming that you are still trying to have a relationship with them, make the initial infraction a relatively short period. Say maybe 6 month. Next time a year. Eventually if they keep doing it, you know that they will be no good for you and you can cut them off completely, with a clear conscious. And if they ever do have him come over while you are there, then be willing to immediately leave. The only quarter I would give in such a situation is if they immediately tell him to leave if he just came in or like the situation above, came in with your brother.

On that note I do want to point out, that while he may make a bad mate, that doesn't mean that he's not a good friend to your brother. Some people are like that. So don't try to bad mouth your ex to your brother. If your brother questions why you have problems limit yourself to what your ex did to you, and don't try to expand that to your ex's larger life. Basically keep the high ground. Never lie or downplay the abuse you got, but don't escalate to other things either.

As far as your husband and kids go, that will be a discussion between you and your husband and based upon what you want to do. If you still want your family in your life, assuming that you have laid down your limits, make that clear to him. Also make it clear that you will not force him to engage with them, and then don't. Allow him to bow out of any gatherings with no negativity accrued to him. Never let him not wanting to be with your family after that be part of any strife between you. If he decides to join you to "keep an eye on you", accept that as him wanting to protect you and don't force him to participate in anything. Never dismiss his complaints and don't gaslight him over them. It's alright to let him know that you disagree with him. That is not the same as gaslighting. If you do disagree you should at least be able to honestly tell him that you understand where he is coming from.

With the kids, you are probably going to have to work on more of a compromise. They are his kids too, and ultimately your parents and brother have no rights to see them. That is purely upon the wishes of the parents. Be willing to accept limits. Maybe the kids are to never be alone with your parents. And don't try to make that apply to his parents as well. Your parents have shown that they will violate your trust. If his parents do that, then you would have justification. But don't try to "make it even". That's just running under a false premise that such things need to be "even". Accept it if your children don't want to be with your parents or brother. Children are perceptive and might not be able to articulate what they perceive. They can always change their minds later. And later, assuming that you do cut contact, if they want to open lines to their grandparents and/or uncle, let them. Too often in trying to keep them away when they are older, ends up sending them into their arms due to rebellion. Let them judge for themselves.

Finally, keep in mind that even if you go no contact because of them being toxic, just because they honestly change (if it happens), that doesn't mean that you are ready to renew the relationship. This is your life and your mental and emotional health. Only you get to decide what your limits are. You and your husband have to talk to determine how to apply both your and his limits in the real world and work together, but your limits are still valid and no one should ever tell you otherwise.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Not everyone deserves the label of “family.” Sharing DNA with toxic people doesn’t mean you’re “family.” I think we make so many excuses for “family” that we just keep immersing ourselves into dysfunction that isn’t healthy.

OP, up until just a few years ago, my dad and I weren’t getting along. Long story from my childhood, but he realized that if he wanted a healthy relationship with me, he had to do the heavy lifting. Likewise, your mother shouldn’t just have a place in your life simply because she is your “mother.” As adults, people need to earn respect, it’s not just given because we share DNA. As a kid, we don’t have a choice of what we need to tolerate but as adults, we do.

My dad and I are in a really good place now but it took him to realize that being a father isn’t just a given. Your mother inviting that abusive ex bf of yours on Christmas is really sick in my opinion and you’re not required to just brush this under the rug for the sake of “family peace.”

Your husband is probably upset for his own reasons but he loves you and probably was mortified for you that your parents allowed that.

Dysfunctional toxic people only change, if change is possible, if it ends with us. “Family” should love and treat you better than anyone else on the planet. All too often, people loathe the holidays because of their families of origin, and it’s just really unnecessary and sad. 

I hope you stay true to you.🙏


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I think your husband is guarding your marriage and I don't blame him one bit. I would feel the same if I were him.

However, the reality is that he can't make you cut off your family, that crosses a line. You have to decide that, not him.

They do seem like pretty bad parents, are you sure you want them involved in your kids’ lives? But it's your choice. At a bare minimum I would suggest you take a hard line about having ex around any time you are there.

And keep your husband involved with any family activities, it seems like he's got his head on right. _Don’t_ go there without him. You’ll be exposed to family manipulation with no one to help.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.
> 
> For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex.
> 
> ...


Your mother and brother see something in your EX that you are unable to describe or there is a part of the story that is missing in your account. Either this, or your EX is a "charmer." He is into drugs and has a way with women? The BAD BOY archetype that some men are TRYING to "understand."

Your EX was able to HUG you like three times in a row and talk about your history with him in front of your husband? Your husband's anger is JUSTIFIED. This episode will play in his mind for a while and he has a lot to process about you and your family at this stage.

Your mother knows about your EX doing drugs? How can she be OK with your exposure to drugs and abuse at his hands? What kind of history she has with [your] father or [her] father? I find this difficult to process because my mother is a wonderful woman and one of my best guides in life. I would expect no less from a well-informed mother in any society.

Does your father have a say in your familial matters? Or he is sidelined?

Anyways.

Tell your husband that you will NOT visit your original family home without his permission and presence out of respect for him and his concerns. But it would be sensible to allow your original family members to meet you and your kids in your marital home out of respect for them and their feelings. This is reasonable compromise.

They cannot bring your EX to your marital home, right?

Also tell your husband that you do not welcome advances of your EX and will not allow him to touch you again. He might need to hear this from you. For perspective, you do not have to hit your EX to make a statement but strongly convey your marital boundary to him should you run into him again (hopefully not).


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

sideways said:


> Your mom (and dad) were ok with you living with your ex when you were only SIXTEEN years old???? What kind of parent is ok with this?????
> 
> This ex was "abusive" and "threatened you ALL THE TIME" and now your parents (and brother) have no problem with him stepping foot into their home???? And still having a relationship with this loser??? And your mom "defended" this Ahole who was doing all of these HORRIFIC things to her daughter???
> 
> ...


I started staying with him more and more until I realized I hadn’t been home in months. When he hugged me I was in shock I think and didn’t know what to do. I froze. I don’t want anything to do with him.
I think my mother was ok with our relationship in the beginning because his family was wealthier then ours. I have no explanation to why she is still ok with him being around. She doesn’t know the full extent on what went on between us but she knows plenty and just doesn’t care I guess. It has always floored me as well.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.
> 
> For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex.
> 
> ...


I'm 150% with your husband on this one. Your Family is keeping a relationship with and ex of yours who was abusive to you in "All the ways". If you were my sister the only thing that would happen if I saw a guy who abused my sister was a beating. Each and every time. Your family is extremely toxic, bringing him over was 100% intentional and just shows they don't respect or value you at all, your husband is correct, you should cut them off and you don't even owe them an explanation. They knew what they were doing they just assumed you would take the abuse like in the past. They have miscalculated on your weakness and didn't plan for your husbands strength. Listen to your husband on this one, he is now your primary family, and clearly cares about you much more than your parents and brother.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Livvie said:


> I agree with this assessment.
> 
> OP please tell us why your parents let their 16 year old daughter go live eith a guy? How did that even happen in the first place? Did his parents live there in the house too with you and the boyfriend and did they know how bad the relationship was (and why were they okay with your moving in)?


It was just my ex and I living together. His parents helped him with a place but it was just us. I just stayed with him more until I realized I didn’t live at home anymore. Parents knew plenty of what went on.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Your mother and brother see something in your EX that you are unable to describe or there is a part of the story that is missing in your account. Either this, or your EX is a "charmer." He is into drugs and has a way with women? The BAD BOY archetype that some men are TRYING to "understand."
> 
> Your EX was able to HUG you like three times in a row and talk about your history with him in front of your husband? Your husband's anger is JUSTIFIED. This episode will play in his mind for a while and he has a lot to process about you and your family at this stage.
> 
> ...


He can be very charming. She knew about the drugs she just ignored it and I didn’t talk to her about it at the time. I would never allow my ex at my house. I was so caught off guard when he walked in that I didn’t know what to do or say. My father checked out years ago and doesn’t like to get involved with whatever my mother is doing.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Your brother knew what he was doing...Does your husband get along with him ?


They have never had any issues and get along


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.
> 
> For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex.
> 
> ...


Number one, I would never let my daughter move in with some guy at age 16, NEVER.
Number two, when your parents had your ex over for Christmas with your husband and child present on first sight of your ex you should shouted at your parents, how dare you! and walked straight out, let alone letting your ex come near to hug you 3 times without telling him to F/off. If your marriage and children are your top priority, this is exactly what you should had done.

You were in the wrong and if I was your husband I`d also feel peeeesed and no wonder he is feeling insecure after that.

If you want to try and put this right phone your mother in front of your husband and shout at her that what she done was out of order and if this happens again you are done with the family.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Aiken-L83 said:


> I started staying with him more and more until I realized I hadn’t been home in months. When he hugged me I was in shock I think and didn’t know what to do. I froze. I don’t want anything to do with him.
> I think my mother was ok with our relationship in the beginning because his family was wealthier then ours. I have no explanation to why she is still ok with him being around. She doesn’t know the full extent on what went on between us but she knows plenty and just doesn’t care I guess. It has always floored me as well.


Maybe it might behoove you to tell your mom everything that he did, even though what you've said about her previously, she'd probably defend him or let it go and not say anything.

Again I stand by my comment that what kind of parent would allow their 16 yr old daughter to live with their boyfriend let alone an abusive boyfriend??? 

There's no way I would be ok with my 16 yr old daughter staying at her boyfriends house one night let alone staying over there for months. 

If that was my daughter, and this ABUSIVE loser stepped into my home, all I know is this ex would either be dead or in the hospital.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He can be very charming. She knew about the drugs she just ignored it and I didn’t talk to her about it at the time. I would never allow my ex at my house. I was so caught off guard when he walked in that I didn’t know what to do or say. My father checked out years ago and doesn’t like to get involved with whatever my mother is doing.


Your father may have "checked out" with your mother years ago but he obviously did the same to you as well. Your father is a COWARD and WEAK!! What kind of man let's his underage daughter be gone for days, weeks and months (living with an "abusive" and "threatening" piece of $h!t)???? I guess your father.

You're a parent now. Would you be ok with your underage daughter doing this (living with her boyfriend) especially with a boy who was "abusive" and "threatening"?? I sure the hell hope not!!

It won't make a difference, but I'd sit my parents and my brother down, and I'd let them know how F'd up it is what they've done because NOTHING about their actions shows that they love you. Like I said it won't make a difference as your mom will either defend her actions or not say anything nor will that weak @$$ father of yours say anything either (and your pu$$y so called brother will sit there like the little b!t&h that he is).


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

sideways said:


> Your father may have "checked out" with your mother years ago but he obviously did the same to you as well. Your father is a COWARD and WEAK!! What kind of man let's his underage daughter be gone for days, weeks and months (living with an "abusive" and "threatening" piece of $h!t)???? I guess your father.
> 
> You're a parent now. Would you be ok with your underage daughter doing this (living with her boyfriend) especially with a boy who was "abusive" and "threatening"?? I sure the hell hope not!!
> 
> It won't make a difference, but I'd sit my parents and my brother down, and I'd let them know how F'd up it is what they've done because NOTHING about their actions shows that they love you. Like I said it won't make a difference as your mom will either defend her actions or not say anything nor will that weak @$$ father of yours say anything either (and your pu$$y so called brother will sit there like the little b!t&h that he is).


I would never do that to my kids and I can’t wrap my mind around it either.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

sideways said:


> Maybe it might behoove you to tell your mom everything that he did, even though what you've said about her previously, she'd probably defend him or let it go and not say anything.
> 
> Again I stand by my comment that what kind of parent would allow their 16 yr old daughter to live with their boyfriend let alone an abusive boyfriend???
> 
> ...


She knows a lot she just doesn’t know the really personal stuff. She just doesn’t care or chooses to ignore it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your father’s a wimp so no point in hoping he’ll do the right thing but tell your mother that was very inappropriate (assuming she knew he would be there) and that if she wants a relationship with you she needs to respect your feelings. In the meantime, give that relationship some distance for awhile. Maybe a long while. I don’t believe in putting up with * from family just because they’re family and that applies to my own. They may not like hearing it but they get told anyway.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.
> 
> For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex.
> 
> ...


"My marriage and my children are my top priority"
If that is truly the case, you only have one option: cut them off.
I don't blame your husband for being pissed. He has every right to be.
The level of disrespect that was shown him by your parents and brother is stunning.
You should be outraged at the disrespect shown you as well.
You told your mother that you no longer wanted to see this guy again.
Her response was that she'll do what she damn well wants.
She doesn't care about your marriage, husband or family.
She's totally indifferent to your family, and frankly doesn't care if she damages it.
Your husband is doing what he should do: protect his family. 
While I do not usually advocate that type of ultimatum, it certainly is warranted in this case.
If I were your husband, I wouldn't want that woman near my kids either.
In addition, I'd probably guess that your husband's relationship with your family is shot anyway.
It sounds like you need to remember your wedding vows, remember where your allegiances are, and act accordingly.
Your husband (and marriage) need this validation, and you need to set the tone that they are not going to walk all over you.
In addition, you certainly should not even consider taking them back into the fold until they make amends through demonstrated actions and deeds, not just the noise of a mere apology.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Surely you now know how odd it is to let your 16 year old daughter be gone living with a man for months and months?

Since you have been an adult have you ever processed this out with them?


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Livvie said:


> Surely you now know how odd it is to let your 16 year old daughter be gone living with a man for months and months?
> 
> Since you have been an adult have you ever processed this out with them?


More like years. I thought he was out of our lives so we stopped talking about it. Yes, it is crazy. I would never let my daughter date someone older let alone move in with him and defend him over her. It is psychotic.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> NEVER allow a spouse to tell you to cut ties with your family.
> 
> Jeez, you're infusing WAY too much drama into this.
> 
> ...


So the family invites a man who abused her *"in all the ways"* into their home for a family Christmas gathering and we chalk that up to "not giving you enough consideration". The husbands reaction is as much for her protection rather than just his desire. A family that allowed a 16yo girl to move in with an abusive man is beyond the point of not always making great decisions, they are beyond f'ed up. You invite a persons abuser over for Christmas if you hate the person they abused, I really can't see any other explanation. An abused person doesn't often have the best judgement in these kinds of situations, cutting the family off is not where I would stop but her husband is a more forgiving man than I. 

Your overly casual attitude towards marriage is fairly common which is why the divorce rate is 50%+. Self fulfilling prophecy.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Also tell your husband that you do not welcome advances of your EX and will not allow him to touch you again.


This might not be a promise that she can't keep. Dealing with a wife with abuse trauma, I know that the victim can freeze up and not stand up for themselves. The mind does not necessarily operate logically when in such a panic mode.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

gameopoly5 said:


> Number two, when your parents had your ex over for Christmas with your husband and child present on first sight of your ex you should shouted at your parents, how dare you! and walked straight out, let alone letting your ex come near to hug you 3 times without telling him to F/off.
> You were in the wrong and if I was your husband I`d also feel peeeesed and no wonder he is feeling insecure after that.


It's sentiments like this that say that some people on here have had the privilege of never being abused. You all simply do not understand how that affects the victim. And then to have all the abuse shoved back into your face. Yes there are some who can fight back after they have gotten out of the abuse. But not most. And to turn around and tell a victim of how they should have acted is almost.....almost....as bad as the initial abuse. You're basically saying that they deserved the abuse because they did nothing.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

maquiscat said:


> This might not be a promise that she can keep. Dealing with a wife with abuse trauma, I know that the victim can freeze up and not stand up for themselves. The mind does not necessarily operate logically when in such a panic mode.


That is exactly what happened. I was so shocked I couldn’t react at first. My husband knows how I feel about my ex and I don’t think he has any worries in that area, but in the way my family treated my ex has to bring up some insecurity. I know it would for me if I was in his situation.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

According to the wedding vows with which I am familiar (religion based) - when you marry you change your allegiance to your spouse. What does that imply?

First it doesn't imply you desert your blood family. It implies they become number 2 in importance in your life and spouse is number 1. 

I don't recall any discussion in "the scriptures" regarding percentages of how much work/time or ?? number 2 get.
I do recall number 1 always gets first of everything. That is - in a good marriage.

Number 2 get what is left and available. Some stuff is mandatory for keeping some life in relationships. 
Some stuff is enough to sever the relationship.

I agree with not 100% removing your family from your life - but - both of you need to iron out the "how we move forward"
with your father who is, at the least, very passive and your mother who may be at the beginning of senility? Ok, give mom (based on your posts) benefit of the doubt - she doesn't know all you endured during your time with "EX" ???
Then tell her!!! 

Your brother? Go back to the number 1 and number 2 distinction. Sister should come first unless she has severe
problem like drugs/self abuse or ? 

I say have a meeting with all three (mom/dad/brother) and have a prepared list of what happened in your past and put a copy of what you have listed in a safe place after they read it. Have one of them read it out loud during your get together. Having one of them read it spares you the stress of controlling your voice while hurting and trying to relate what you have on your list. Rehearse with your husband.

Now the boundaries have been set. How much you relate and time spent with family should be based on mutual respect. Something they (your family) need to learn.

Regarding you "freezing" - why didn't you move away? You need to fix how you react to such an encounter.
I'm thinking the "Art of Self Defense" - you can enroll in a Karate class and you will get practice in how to defend yourself in a non-violent manner and also how to defend yourself if the encounter gets physical. With enough practice the reaction becomes automatic.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree that you don’t need to shun your family but maybe some distance would be a good idea. I feel like if your mother doesn’t grasp how wrong it was having your ex bf, abusive or otherwise, at their place on Christmas especially with your husband there, she’s not going to grasp it after you try to educate her on it. Sometimes, just distancing ourselves from toxic people is the best path to take.

If it were me, I wouldn’t let your parents babysit your kids or have sleep overs etc…They’re not a healthy family and you don’t need your kids to go through that.

Hope you find a good way forward that helps you feel most comfortable.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This thread reminds me of an old thread by a guy who as far as I recall was called Hanti. His wife’s mother always wanted her to marry a friend of the family and even when she married Hanti and had a son her mother kept pushing her to meet with her friends son. 
Eventually it worked and a short lived affair started which ended in divorce for Hanti and his wife.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Andy1001 said:


> This thread reminds me of an old thread by a guy who as far as I recall was called Hanti. His wife’s mother always wanted her to marry a friend of the family and even when she married Hanti and had a son her mother kept pushing her to meet with her friends son.
> Eventually it worked and a short lived affair started which ended in divorce for Hanti and his wife.


That is not a possibility here at all.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

bygone said:


> I support this recommendation
> 
> basically this post encourages you to divorce your husband.
> 
> ...


Huh? 

This has to be one of the dumbest posts I've ever read. Her abusive ex-boyfriend is as important as her husband? Did I understand that right?


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## Youknowwho (Sep 1, 2011)

ArthurGPym said:


> Huh?
> 
> This has to be one of the dumbest posts I've ever read. Her abusive ex-boyfriend is as important as her husband? Did I understand that right?


He was replying to the person who basically said she should divorce her husband. He was being sarcastic.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Youknowwho said:


> He was replying to the person who basically said she should divorce her husband. He was being sarcastic.


He wasn't good at it.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> Huh?
> 
> This has to be one of the dumbest posts I've ever read. Her abusive ex-boyfriend is as important as her husband? Did I understand that right?


you should read my first post

I already wrote why I support this post.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

bygone said:


> you should read my first post
> 
> I already wrote why I support this post.


Yeah I read it. I get you were trying to be ironic. Disregard.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your mother is a predator. 

I’m really very sorry and sad for you, for everything you went through. I wish you had a mother that kept you safe. 

You have kids now. You keep yours safe. From your mother and your Ex.

Don’t let your family groom your kids. Your mum WILL do to your kids what she did to you. The grooming process has already started, and your husband knows it. 

The decision has to be yours, not your husbands. If you’re not ready for this, not 100% sure that your mother is a threat, then you can’t make a rational decision, because you’ll hate your husband and eventually run straight back into your mums arms when your marriage collapses. 

Which is your mother’s eventual plan. 

She’s already planted a bomb in your marriage and built up a network for you to fall back into when your and your husband split. 

Sorry again, she’s a predator with a long term goal to get to your kids. Your husband can see this, and I can see that you’re halfway there. 

You know what your mother did was TERRIBLE then and she is doing it again.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

gameopoly5 said:


> when your parents had your ex over for Christmas with your husband and child present on first sight of your ex you should shouted at your parents, how dare you! and walked straight out, let alone letting your ex come near to hug you 3 times without telling him to F/off.


100% agree.

OP at the very least, you should go very low contact with your family. If you don't insist that they respect you, at least insist that they respect your husband. The complete lack of respect they showed HIM should have had your blood boiling immediately.

He is absolutely in the right not to let them in your home (I won't allow my inlaws here), I would stop short of asking his "permission" for you to see them occasionally on your own. I don't believe spouses should "allow" (or not) each other to do things, they are spouses not parent/child. You should however respect his not wanting them near your children. They are his children too, your family is toxic, and you don't always see that if we're honest, so you should defer to him on that imo.

You must also promise your husband, that if you are with your parents and your ex arrives, that you will leave immediately.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your mother has an unhealthy attachment to your ex and your father goes along with whatever she wants. If they want to live their lives that way obviously they can but they don’t get to involve you. Tell your mother in great detail what he did. Give her the opportunity to apologize. If she doesn’t then it’s time to distance yourself.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> 100% agree.
> 
> OP at the very least, you should go very low contact with your family. If you don't insist that they respect you, at least insist that they respect your husband. The complete lack of respect they showed HIM should have had your blood boiling immediately.
> 
> ...


Exactly.
If this were my wife letting herself be hugged by an ex 3 times would be a game changer for me. I`m not accusing the OP of anything I am simply pointing out how bad this looks.
So far the OP hasn`t mentioned about any actions she intends to take against her family regarding their behaviour.
I ask her again, will she phone her mother in front of her husband and explain that if this happens again she`s done with the family so as to dispel any insecurities her husband may have regarding her and the ex?
If not than I`d assume she still has feeling for this ex or this is how it appears and will appear to her husband and who could blame him.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Exactly.
> If this were my wife letting herself be hugged by an ex 3 times would be a game changer for me. I`m not accusing the OP of anything I am simply pointing out how bad this looks.
> So far the OP hasn`t mentioned about any actions she intends to take against her family regarding their behaviour.
> I ask her again, will she phone her mother in front of her husband and explain that if this happens again she`s done with the family so as to dispel any insecurities her husband may have regarding her and the ex?
> If not than I`d assume she still has feeling for this ex or this is how it appears and will appear to her husband and who could blame him.


I will do whatever my husband needs me to do so i would do that. I got into an argument with my family after ex left. My ex was the worst mistake of my life and I have nothing but contempt for him. My husband knows this but I will reassure him. I will always choose my husband over my parents and especially over my ex. I want nothing to do with him. I was in shock when my ex walked in and I didn't know what to do.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> According to the wedding vows with which I am familiar (religion based) - when you marry you change your allegiance to your spouse. What does that imply?
> 
> First it doesn't imply you desert your blood family. It implies they become number 2 in importance in your life and spouse is number 1.
> 
> ...


My mother knows what he did to me. She just looks past it or doesn't care.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Aiken-L83 said:


> I will do whatever my husband needs me to do so i would do that. I got into an argument with my family after ex left. My ex was the worst mistake of my life and I have nothing but contempt for him. My husband knows this but I will reassure him. I will always choose my husband over my parents and especially over my ex. I want nothing to do with him. I was in shock when my ex walked in and I didn't know what to do.


Seeing that your ex at one time in your life was controlling and abusive over you, seeing him again unexpectedly, probably brought back those fearful feelings, and you weren't able to really react as maybe you could have if you were prepared to see him. That to me, shows just how abusive he was, that you froze when you saw him. Don't beat yourself up over the hugs, etc...

Your mother sounds controlling, and this is what you have been accustomed to dealing with - controlling people. I don't see your husband as controlling, he wants to protect you and the marriage, and was likewise, shocked to see your ex at your parents' house on Christmas.

Hopefully, you can move forward, keep your family at a distance, and be grateful that you're in what seems to be a healthy relationship, now. I'd just focus on all the good things, now.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Aiken-L83 said:


> That is not a possibility here at all.


Are you so sure? You say that you let your ex hug you 3 times. You say you have a strong hatred for your ex but that is not reassuring. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Your description reads like there is still a lot of passion. With this guy being your first lover, being from a wealthy family, and having your whole family’s blessing, you need to be guarded. 

I would work on making sure your marriage is strong and letting your husband know that he’s the only one in your heart. I’m sure it was not lost on your husband that not only did you let your husband be humiliated by this guy but that you hugged him 3 times.

As for your ex, he knows that when it comes to him, your natural instinct is to react positively to his approaches. I’d also bet that your brother has let him know how heated you got about him being invited. Which means, he knows you’re still passionate about him. Wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if he reaches out to you directly or through your family to say he’s sorry. It will be an excellent way to get you to lower your shields and allow an opening. Protecting your marriage, means also guarding your heart.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When you were 16 how old was he?


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Openminded said:


> When you were 16 how old was he?


25


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> 25


Nine years at that age is huge. I can’t believe they were okay with that. I think your mom had (and maybe still has) a crush on him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> I will do whatever my husband needs me to do so i would do that. I got into an argument with my family after ex left. My ex was the worst mistake of my life and I have nothing but contempt for him. My husband knows this but I will reassure him. I will always choose my husband over my parents and especially over my ex. I want nothing to do with him. I was in shock when my ex walked in and I didn't know what to do.


Personally, I don't think it's insecurity your husband is feeling, rather a combination of fury - at both yours and your parents behaviour.



Aiken-L83 said:


> 25


Omfg! What the actual ****? No way would my 16yo be allowed to even date a 25yo let alone stay at his home! Holy crap!


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Openminded said:


> Nine years at that age is huge. I can’t believe they were okay with that. I think your mom had (and maybe still has) a crush on him.


It is unbelievable to look back on. Maybe she does.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

jsmart said:


> Are you so sure? You say that you let your ex hug you 3 times. You say you have a strong hatred for your ex but that is not reassuring. The opposite of love is not hate; it is indifference. Your description reads like there is still a lot of passion. With this guy being your first lover, being from a wealthy family, and having your whole family’s blessing, you need to be guarded.
> 
> I would work on making sure your marriage is strong and letting your husband know that he’s the only one in your heart. I’m sure it was not lost on your husband that not only did you let your husband be humiliated by this guy but that you hugged him 3 times.
> 
> As for your ex, he knows that when it comes to him, your natural instinct is to react positively to his approaches. I’d also bet that your brother has let him know how heated you got about him being invited. Which means, he knows you’re still passionate about him. Wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if he reaches out to you directly or through your family to say he’s sorry. It will be an excellent way to get you to lower your shields and allow an opening. Protecting your marriage, means also guarding your heart.


I wish I could have handled it differently now. There is zero chance of me getting back with him and I would never talk to him if he did reach out.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Aiken-L83 said:


> It is unbelievable to look back on. Maybe she does.


I don’t think she has a crush on him. It’s more that she can ruin your life again. Not everyone murders people with their own hands in a quick fashion. 

She has a lot of power. Just look at how silent your father is. 

Why? 

Your husband sees it and isn’t afraid to take action. 

Why are the rest of you STILL doing nothing?


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> Yeah I read it. I get you were trying to be ironic. Disregard.


it is not actually like that

I think this woman is not aware of her responsibilities as a mother and wife.

While hugging and talking back and forth in front of her husband, her family supported ex,

did not protect its own her family borders 

to meet the ex when she goes to her parents' house! there is a possibility that she has continued / spent time with ex

phone and sm should also be in contact with ex

If I were her husband, I would consider DNA testing the children and leave her at her family that evening.

In the end, I support the advice that is on the way to divorce,


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

bygone said:


> it is not actually like that
> 
> I think this woman is not aware of her responsibilities as a mother and wife.
> 
> ...


Wow. Pure genius.
Why didn't I think of making up a scenario based on nothing?
It's not like real lives are involved or anything.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Aiken-L83 said:


> 25


TWENTY-FIVE??????????

OH-MY-GOD!!!!!

This guy should be in jail!!!!!!

Your mom and dad (and brother) knew this and did nothing, AND on top of this, this TWENTY-FIVE yr old Bf was "abusing" and "threatening" you!!! And your mom was defending him!!!!

Someone should have called CPS and the police. Will say it again your parents are PATHETIC and horrible people. After all that they allow this piece of $h!t in their home (of course they did).

Your husband obviously knew what the story was/is and he's doing what any good husband and father would do and that's trying to protect you and your kids not from the abusive ex but from your ABUSIVE parents and brother!!!

And your mom defends this loser and your weak @$$ father (if you want to call him a father) did NOTHING!!!

Knowing all of this I'm surprised your husband even went to see your parents for Christmas. What a F'd up situation.

I just can't wrap my head around this. I picture my SIXTEEN yr old daughter, and a TWENTY-FIVE yr old coming sniffing around my home and there's NO WAY IN HELL THIS IS HAPPENING!!!

And your parents were ok with their SIXTEEN-YEAR old daughter living with this animal???!!??

Then to find out this TWENTY-FIVE yr old is ABUSING and THREATENING my daughter all the time and she's living with him????? This dude would not be an ex.......he would be dead!!!! And I would divorce my wife for defending him.

TWENTY-FIVE????

Just WOW!!!!!

Why in the world would you want to be around them and to bring your children around them?? There's been no apology and after all of this they let this piece of $h!t in their home?

Your husband is the only sane one of the bunch and someone on here is claiming he's letting his "ego" get in the way???


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Nine years at that age is huge. I can’t believe they were okay with that. I think your mom had (and maybe still has) a crush on him.


It's NOT like the guy was 30 and she was 21. For crying out loud she was a MINOR!! Nine yr age difference, eight yrs, seven yrs, she's a MINOR....a young kid.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Aiken-L83 said:


> *I will do whatever my husband needs me to do so i would do that.* I got into an argument with my family after ex left. My ex was the worst mistake of my life and I have nothing but contempt for him. My husband knows this but I will reassure him. I will always choose my husband over my parents and especially over my ex. I want nothing to do with him. I was in shock when my ex walked in and I didn't know what to do.


The point I`ve been trying to make is to let your husband see you are making a stand against your family.
Not would, *WILL.*


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

sideways said:


> It's NOT like the guy was 30 and she was 21. For crying out loud she was a MINOR!! Nine yr age difference, eight yrs, seven yrs, she's a MINOR....a young kid.


Yep. He should have spent time in jjail.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Exit37 said:


> Yep. He should have spent time in jjail.


Depends on the state... in most the legal age is 16.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Depends on the state... in most the legal age is 16.


At 16 she should have still been in school. And she was definitely a minor at that age (I think the UK is different). I don’t know if he would have been prosecuted but he could have been. I think the age difference for non-prosecution is three years — certainly not nine.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Openminded said:


> At 16 she should have still been in school. And she was definitely a minor at that age (I think the UK is different). I don’t know if he would have been prosecuted but he could have been. I think the age difference for non-prosecution is three years — certainly not nine.


I believe in the UK ultimately it's up the judge to decide if to prosecute someone who had sex with an underage person. It depends on many factors. But _if you are 16_, I don't think the other person's age matters.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bygone said:


> it is not actually like that
> 
> I think this woman is not aware of her responsibilities as a mother and wife.
> 
> ...


This is the internet. We are all anonymous strangers, but it is people that post **** like this, showing their extreme, bording in paranoid assessments that it really doesn't help the OP. 

Really @bygone, this is the best you can come up with? An it's OP fault, and the husband should divorce her? Why not burn her at the stakes?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> 25


Wow, your mom really is a piece of work.If i caught a 25 yr old with my 16 year old daughter, I can't guarantee he'd have seen 26. I wonder if there was anything going on between him and mom? Her attachment to him is very suspect.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> He might be correct and I am just too close to the situation so I would like some other opinions. I think cutting off my family over this would be a little much but maybe I'm wrong. My husband is 33, I am 27. We have a 2 year old son and pregnant with a girl. We have a good marriage.
> 
> For the full context I have to talk about my ex boyfriend. I was 15 when I started dating him and he was a bit older. My mother loved him so she was always supportive. At 16 I basically moved in with him. He was my first everything. Our relationship turned bad pretty quickly. He was abusive in all the ways, threatened me all of the time, and a lot of drugs were involved. We finally broke up when I was 19. My brother and I were always close so he got close to my ex when we were together. Our breakup was nasty so my brother distanced himself from ex.
> 
> ...


Your husband is 110% correct about cutting your family off. I would personally never lay eyes on them again if they pulled that kind of ********. As far as I'm concerned, their actions made them an enemy of your marriage. They should be dead to you at this point. I know this sounds harsh, but it is what is needed IMO. I would be really worried about why you even question this. Your parents were taking sides over their own daughter in an abusive relationship. That is totally sick. You will be better off without them in your life.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Aiken-L83 said:


> 25


Yah, your husband knows your family is really messed up. He doesn't want his children anywhere near them I assume. His judgement on the situation is going to be infinitely better than yours. Your parents are disgusting humans.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

It was a very messed up situation and my mother is a lunatic. I thought until Christmas he was out of my life and had no idea they were in contact with him so this is brand new. I hadn’t seen him since I was 21. I talked to my husband about everything and we are going to cut contact. I would never intentionally be around him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> It is unbelievable to look back on. Maybe she does.


My guess is that she does. This wasn’t some 16 year old boy you hooked up with — he was a 25 year old man. I’m still shocked that happened.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Openminded said:


> My guess is that she does. This wasn’t some 16 year old boy you hooked up with — he was a 25 year old man. I’m still shocked that happened.


I have never really considered it. It seems she likes him more then she likes me so idk. I have no idea what they were thinking. I have spent years trying to understand. I can’t imagine putting my children in that position being a mother now.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> I talked to my husband about everything and we are going to cut contact.


Best news I've heard all day.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> I have never really considered it. It seems she likes him more then she likes me so idk. I have no idea what they were thinking. I have spent years trying to understand. I can’t imagine putting my children in that position being a mother now.


When you’re 16 you may think you have cool parents because you have more freedom than most but when you’re an adult you realize they were just too lazy to parent.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

I wonder if your mom and this guy had a little something going on on the side and maybe that’s why she liked him.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> I wonder if your mom and this guy had a little something going on on the side and maybe that’s why she liked him.


That is a horrifying thought but I don’t think so.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Openminded said:


> When you’re 16 you may think you have cool parents because you have more freedom than most but when you’re an adult you realize they were just too lazy to parent.


100% true


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Aiken-L83 said:


> That is a horrifying thought but I don’t think so.


You mentioned previously that your ex's family were wealthy. When you were growing up how well off were your mom and dad? Could your mom have been blinded by this families $$ and thus lying to herself about what this guy was doing to you? That she just saw $$?


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> That is a horrifying thought but I don’t think so.


It's not out of the realm of possibility. How old was your mom when you were, em, "dating" that guy?


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

sideways said:


> You mentioned previously that your ex's family were wealthy. When you were growing up how well off were your mom and dad? Could your mom have been blinded by this families $$ and thus lying to herself about what this guy was doing to you? That she just saw $$?


We were middle class, definitely not poor. His family had a lot more money then we did though. His family has a lot of local businesses. My mother loved this. There was no denying what was going on after a while. She knew. There were times I tried to leave and they let him in and wouldn’t help me. Money was a factor but I don’t know how much or how it could explain the extent of my mother’s insanity.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> It's not out of the realm of possibility. How old was your mom when you were, em, "dating" that guy?


When I was 15 she would have been 39


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> When I was 15 she would have been 39


Plenty of 25 year old men would have had sex with a 39 year old women — especially if she looked decent (and even if she didn’t). Not saying she did or she didn’t — just looking for an explanation why she would allow that. Did she let you drop out if school too?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Aiken-L83 said:


> I talked to my husband about everything and we are going to cut contact.


I'm glad to hear this. When I first responded recommending low contact I had no idea the guy was 25 when you were dating him at 16. That changes EVERYTHING.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

IMO you should not cut ties with your family. What they did was completely inappropriate. However there may be more behind it. was ex actually invitEd, or did brother bring him home? What’s dads take? You want to cut him out when it appears that he wasn’t involved. Your children deserve some type of relationship with their grandparents. Before you make any final decisigns, allow some time to pass. When they contact yo, be willing to calmly discuss what happened and explain how hurt and disrepelted you feel. Give them a chance for reconciliation. Set firm boundaries. 

You should support hubby in his decision that He will not set foot in your family’s house again. And if he doesn’t want them in your house you should respect that.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Openminded said:


> Plenty of 25 year old men would have had sex with a 39 year old women — especially if she looked decent (and even if she didn’t). Not saying she did or she didn’t — just looking for an explanation why she would allow that. Did she let you drop out if school too?


Yes. Got my GED when I was 16. I don’t think they ever had any type of relationship in that way. I could be wrong.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Aiken-L83 said:


> It was a very messed up situation and my mother is a lunatic. I thought until Christmas he was out of my life and had no idea they were in contact with him so this is brand new. I hadn’t seen him since I was 21. I talked to my husband about everything and we are going to cut contact. I would never intentionally be around him.


Sad that your mother is so crazy, but really proud of you and your husband for doing the difficult, yet brave thing!
😌

You never know what the future holds. If your mother turns over a new leaf, and is remorseful for her behaviors, then you and your husband can reassess. I’m thinking your mother has done other things in your life to bring you down, and this was just another example of that behavior?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

lmucamac said:


> IMO you should not cut ties with your family. What they did was completely inappropriate. However there may be more behind it. was ex actually invitEd, or did brother bring him home? What’s dads take? You want to cut him out when it appears that he wasn’t involved. Your children deserve some type of relationship with their grandparents. Before you make any final decisigns, allow some time to pass. When they contact yo, be willing to calmly discuss what happened and explain how hurt and disrepelted you feel. Give them a chance for reconciliation. Set firm boundaries.
> 
> You should support hubby in his decision that He will not set foot in your family’s house again. And if he doesn’t want them in your house you should respect that.


I have to disagree. Her parents are enemies of the marriage and dont seem to care much for their daughter. Not only did they let their daughter get treated like ****, they even took sides with her abuser. Her children are better off not being around that type of person with that type of twisted morals. For years they supported her abusive partner over her, why should they be allowed to interact with her kids.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Sad that your mother is so crazy, but really proud of you and your husband for doing the difficult, yet brave thing!
> 😌
> 
> You never know what the future holds. If your mother turns over a new leaf, and is remorseful for her behaviors, then you and your husband can reassess. I’m thinking your mother has done other things in your life to bring you down, and this was just another example of that behavior?


I hope so. We used to fight a lot especially during that period. When I broke up with ex our relationship slowly improved but we aren’t very close. Things were calm and fine until Christmas though.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> Yes. Got my GED when I was 16. I don’t think they ever had any type of relationship in that way. I could be wrong.


It's just odd that she likes him so much.

Edit: When I was sixteen a good (married) friend of my mom's told me that if I had not lost my virginity by the time I was nineteen to come and see her and she would take care of me. She was probably around 45. So, this stuff does happen.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

ArthurGPym said:


> It's just odd that she likes him so much.


It is very odd. My brother always looked up to him, they were close and I guess they reconnected.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You've mentioned that his family is wealthy, that may be why your mother doesn't want to cut ties with him...perhaps, she thinks if she/the family is ever in a financial bind, he'll come through?

It's just strange, no matter the reason. I would be pretty upset if my parents invited any of my ex bf's over to their home, let alone for Christmas, now that I'm married. Even if I wasn't married. lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you ask her if she knew your brother was bringing him?


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Openminded said:


> Did you ask her if she knew your brother was bringing him?


She knew. My brother said he thought that I knew, so my mother was supposed to tell me and didn’t.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Aiken-L83 said:


> She knows a lot she just doesn’t know the really personal stuff. She just doesn’t care or chooses to ignore it.


So if you are cut off from your family -- WHAT are you really losing? They don't care enough about you. Your brother, instead of beating his ass for abusing YOU continues to be his friend? You father doesn't care enough about you to defend you from this ASSHAT and let's him come in to HIS HOUSE? Your mother ignores/doesn't care.
So really WHY do you want to be around them? Because they are family? You would do better with good friends.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Aiken-L83 said:


> We were middle class, definitely not poor. *His family had a lot more money then we did though. His family has a lot of local businesses. My mother loved this.* There was no denying what was going on after a while. She knew. There were times I tried to leave and they let him in and wouldn’t help me. Money was a factor but I don’t know how much or how it could explain the extent of my mother’s insanity.


There you have it. Your mom is a very materialistic person, who puts finances at the top of what’s important to her. She doesn’t respect her husband/ your dad because he’s just a regular middle class guy. In her mind, she wanted you to do better financially than she did and what you’re currently doing with your hubby. 

Your mom is probably the type that sucks up to powerful or rich people and like wise, barely contains her disdain for the poor or working class. Personally I despise people like that. Suck up to the boss, why talking down to a waitress or janitor. You on the other hand have thankfully not become that type. Probably enduring your abusive ex for years and having your mother sing his praises has turned you off from the blatant gold digging.

Your mother was trying to buy a financial union by offering up her 16 year old to this 25 year old. Which as everyone on TAM has said is COMPLETELY sick.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lmucamac said:


> IMO you should not cut ties with your family. What they did was completely inappropriate. However there may be more behind it. was ex actually invitEd, or did brother bring him home? What’s dads take? You want to cut him out when it appears that he wasn’t involved. Your children deserve some type of relationship with their grandparents.


Children deserve to have relationships with healthy people and to be shielded from abusers. They deserve to have relationships with healthy grandparents, not crazy people. I loved my father, but he and his wife were toxic. It wasn't until they honed in my children that I was shocked into reality and cut them off. I wish I had done it much sooner. It would have been better for my family, but it was very hard for me to see that and to break free. I'm glad I was finally able to do so.



Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## hillybilly2785 (Dec 29, 2019)

My two cents:
I have always believed that those who see injustices or abuse and do nothing ("Not my monkeys, not my circus..")..are equally as guilty as those who commit it.

I came from a family who wasn't far behind in regards to tolerating or even supporting bullsh*t - they just did it simply by rug sweeping and turning the other cheek. 
Brief backstory- one of my uncles was a creep who did things that even as a child I knew were wrong. He had bi-monthly visits with his daughter after his divorce.. 

With him, there was always lots of tickling...made my cousin and I bathe together to save water(he lived at my grandma's and she didn't have city water at the time).. and one time had his video camera out after a bath and chased me down trying to record me..I was roughly 8 or 9…and I was trying to hide, and he ran after me, laughing, pulling me out from my grandma's closet by my arm while still trying to film me. Would give his daughter "titty twisters" as a teen. Just a few examples.Way inappropriate.
Anyway, he would include me when he took his daughter on vacation, or things like that..
Always gave expensive gifts...
As an adult, my mother and I have talked about the things he did when I was a kid, and she agrees what he did was wrong, but she's always had the response.."yeah, but he's always been good to you. He took you on trips and stuff...etc."
Basically all I hear is ...I know he was a pervert, but he would throw his money around so, that makes it ok.
I don't understand it. I have an 8 years old daughter myself, and I could never imagine hearing these things..even if it were once she was an adult, and not want to protect her from it. 

I can honestly say, if you think that YOU would get some kind of benefit or closure explaining to your family why you're going no contact, then do so. 
Otherwise, I don't think you owe them any explanation. They know what they did. And trying to explain yourself to them in the hopes of getting out of it what you need, could leave you feeling really short changed. You're not going to get the results you need.
They've proven to you how little they value you. Value yourself, and let them see how much you value yourself.. Nobody has a right to a relationship with you or your children. It's a privilege.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Although I wasn't there, based on what you've described, I wonder if your parents and brother had him there because they want to destroy your relationship with your husband and get you back with your ex.

It's true that your husband cannot make you disown your family.... but he can divorce you if you don't.

I'm glad to hear that you're going no contact, at least for now. There needs to be consequences for what they've done. Reconciliation can potentially occur in the future.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> She knew. My brother said he thought that I knew, so my mother was supposed to tell me and didn’t.


You said it right in an earlier post. You're mom is definitely a "lunatic"! There's not a lot of quality in your brother either. The embodiment of a toxic family.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

after reading your post i will be honest , your husband is a much better man than i ever will be. my reasons for saying this are when your ex approached you for a hug i get the shock factor and freezing, then he finds out who he is and has to endure 2 more hugs and basically watching your ex hit on you right infront of him and try to hook up with you again.. a little advice for the next time this may ever occur. after the first hug you should have told your husband we are leaving an got out of there . you are very very very very lucky to have the husband you do because well my reaction would have been much much much worse. this is on you . this your family that did this. this is your mess to clean up. if you want your husband to ever look at you like he used to you really need to do something firm and definitive showing your husband and child that they come first. that is up to you what you do and i hope you make the right choice.. good luck


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

We are going to go no contact. It took me years to see the situation for what it really was, I guess because I was in the middle of it. It also took me years to understand what a healthy relationship is. I didn’t fully understand or realize until I got with my now husband who is a great person. Everyone around me was fine with it. 

I wish now I could have handled the situation differently. My husband knows how I feel about my ex. He knows I don’t have any feelings for him, but I froze and didn’t really know what to do. I will always choose my husband and children over my parents and ex.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Aiken-L83 said:


> We are going to go no contact. It took me years to see the situation for what it really was, I guess because I was in the middle of it. It also took me years to understand what a healthy relationship is. I didn’t fully understand or realize until I got with my now husband who is a great person. Everyone around me was fine with it.
> 
> I wish now I could have handled the situation differently. My husband knows how I feel about my ex. He knows I don’t have any feelings for him, but I froze and didn’t really know what to do. I will always choose my husband and children over my parents and ex.


that is good. i hope it works out for you . just remember if there ever is a next time .. leave . take your husband and child and just leave instead of having your husband have to go through watching you and your ex hugging and talking most of the time there. another thing why didn't you just walk back over to your husband and stay on his arm the entire time? why did you choose to talk to the ex so much an hug more?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Aiken-L83 said:


> We are going to go no contact. It took me years to see the situation for what it really was, I guess because I was in the middle of it. It also took me years to understand what a healthy relationship is. I didn’t fully understand or realize until I got with my now husband who is a great person. Everyone around me was fine with it.
> 
> I wish now I could have handled the situation differently. My husband knows how I feel about my ex. He knows I don’t have any feelings for him, but I froze and didn’t really know what to do. I will always choose my husband and children over my parents and ex.


I think it is very natural that you froze. I would have been surprised if you didn't freeze given the shock level of your abusive ex walking in to you parents' house. It is very good that you now see very clearly that the behavior of your family is completely disrespectful of your marriage, your husband and you, even your children. 

I will suggest that you make it a point to hVe friends. By cutting out the core of your family you are losing some important interaction with people outside of you family unit. Do you work and do you have many friends?


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think it is very natural that you froze. I would have been surprised if you didn't freeze given the shock level of your abusive ex walking in to you parents' house. It is very good that you now see very clearly that the behavior of your family is completely disrespectful of your marriage, your husband and you, even your children.
> 
> I will suggest that you make it a point to hVe friends. By cutting out the core of your family you are losing some important interaction with people outside of you family unit. Do you work and do you have many friends?


Yeah I have good friends. Not working currently.


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

My husband was with me the entire time this went on


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## Aiken-L83 (18 d ago)

Thank you all


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> This is the internet. We are all anonymous strangers, but it is people that post **** like this, showing their extreme, bording in paranoid assessments that it really doesn't help the OP.
> 
> Really @bygone, this is the best you can come up with? An it's OP fault, and the husband should divorce her? Why not burn her at the stakes?



I always say I honestly write my own truth.

The first question was, wasn't my husband's reaction extreme?

she thought her husband (I prefer the definition of provider) was overreacting

If the person she loved was her provider, she wouldn't let her family/ex abuse him.

she's just pretending, the ex's attention didn't bother her, the provider reacted so he must have started an argument with her family and she reluctantly had to support the provider

I thought of this as a demonstration to the provider,

She talks about her troubled past, blames her family for the mistakes she has made throughout her life, but does not question her own decisions.

In the future, if the ex contacts or is in contact with her, she will hide it from her husband and quietly enjoy the attention,

this woman is still not eligible for marriage,


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bygone said:


> I always say I honestly write my own truth.
> 
> The first question was, wasn't my husband's reaction extreme?
> 
> ...



Ridiculous assumptions by an armchair divinatory internet sleuth and his magic crystal ball.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Double post


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bygone said:


> I always say I honestly write my own truth.
> 
> The first question was, wasn't my husband's reaction extreme?
> 
> ...


There may be something to this.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There may be something to this.


Something like what?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> Something like what?


Everything in @bygone 's post.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Everything in @bygone 's post.


@Ragnar Ragnasson, Still you don't explain. Like what is it that you think that might be in his post?



bygone said:


> The first question was, wasn't my husband's reaction extreme?


 do you think that was extreme?



bygone said:


> she thought her husband (I prefer the definition of provider) was overreacting


Was he?



bygone said:


> If the person she loved was her provider, she wouldn't let her family/ex abuse him.


Do you agree? do you think that every human is cut from the same cookie cutter that we all react the same to any situation?




bygone said:


> she's just pretending, the ex's attention didn't bother her, the provider reacted so he must have started an argument with her family and she reluctantly had to support the provider


Ragnar, do you have the clairvoyance abilities as @bygone to read her mind to make such outlandish remarks?




bygone said:


> In the future, if the ex contacts or is in contact with her, she will hide it from her husband and quietly enjoy the attention,
> 
> this woman is still not eligible for marriage,


Again do you agreed with his level of clairvoyance to see through the crystal ball that OP is and will quietly enjoy the asshole attention?

What we have here is a man @bygone full of mumble jumble crap suppositions fully laden with misogynistic flavors such as "the provider" in the content of the husband's superior stance. What we have here is a man that is trying to shift the blame to the victim, as so many times we read and see in courts of law. I think that his way of thinking is nothing but red pill crap. Or some variety of it.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It wouldn't be a problem if the owner of the story replied or corrected me, got angry or told me that I was wrong.

Let me give your some more material,

"From the first post to the last post, there is no empathy for the provider."

Emotional expectations such as loyalty, relationship boundaries, age difference, empathy/sympathy are unimportant for her and her family, 

her male preferences have always been in favor of providers, she spent time with the people she wanted to be with in her social life without getting caught.

Ex is someone who does not have financial problems and can go to the place where the woman lives whenever he wants, stay in hotels.

That evening, when ex and her brother came to the family home together, she froze for fear that the provider would find out about some things that were kept from him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bygone said:


> It wouldn't be a problem if the owner of the story replied or corrected me, got angry or told me that I was wrong.
> 
> Let me give your some more material,
> 
> ...


Good grief. I can't imagine being married to a man with such a misogynistic point of view. Does your wife call you master? 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Good grief. I can't imagine being married to a man with such a misogynistic point of view. Does your wife call you master?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I've written before, I repeat

what I wrote is my personal opinion, the person who wrote the story can write whatever they want or DM,

If my presence on the site is inconvenient, I may be asked to leave, I accept

You can discuss the parts that you think I'm wrong, we can talk about things that you personally feel uncomfortable with here or in DM, but the misogynist is a common simplicity used by people who don't really have words to say,,

I'm sorry, but for personal reasons you cannot declare anyone to be a misogynist.

I'm nobody's enemy


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