# Moral dilemma re:boundaries



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I wasn't sure where to post this so thought I would try in here...

Brief history: my H had an EA a few months ago. Things quite good now, been doing MC. Discussed boundaries very specifically to clear up what is not acceptable behavior.

The issue...

I have just taken up a new sport. I am really enjoying it. I went for my first training session today. It is a women's team but there are a couple of guys there who participate in different capacities.

One of the guys helps the newbies in training them. He was helping me. I found him to be friendly enough, and easy to talk to. At one point I had to take off my shoes as they were feeling uncomfortable and he was hanging about near the seating chatting with another of the women there who was giving me advice about my shoes. He came over and I explained about the bad fit. Said it was not good, and it was a shame, and how cute my toes looked as well painted the color they were, and that they looked awesome (?) He asked if I would be coming again, I said yes definitely next week, and said that would be cool, as he would be looking forward to training with me again.

Now I know it's only a little thing, but I got the feeling he liked me (hard to portray just from that small snippet of convo.) Obviously I could be way off, but I have been asking myself if I should be mentioning this to my H?

The thing is, some of the training is a bit hands-on, that is, this guy adjusting posture, holding hands, and I am worried that telling my H coupled with him knowing this, is going to lead to him being reluctant to want me going. For me, I *love* this new hobby and am picking it up quickly, H keeps saying how pleased he is that I've got a new hobby, but I'm worried he might put his foot down.

Thing is I know if it were the other way around, given what happened with him having his EA, I would definitely not be happy: but then again I'm coming at it from a slightly different perspective.

Any advice or thoughts welcomed!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Thing is I know if it were the other way around, given what happened with him having his EA, I would definitely not be happy: but then again I'm coming at it from a slightly different perspective.


Do not delude yourself that it can't happen to you. The attention that this OM is paying to you can become very intoxicating, especially in light of your damaged self esteem due to your husband's EA. 

Now granted that his comment may have been a one time thing and that he may never again make other flattering comments to you but if he does continue to make them, then consider yourself targeted and that it would be a wise decision for you to quit the team OM belongs to and joining another one.

Get close to the fire frequentlty and one day you're going to get burned.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

1. My wife is cute too and so are her toes. She finds it flattering when someone else gives her a little flirty. Shes married but not dead. I know she gets attention and gets a little revved up when the chiropractor, dentist, mechanic, etc is a hottie and pays her attention. Its fine with me. Hell Im a contractor and most of the guys on my payroll check out my wife. Its fine. she has the same feeling about me. Its when it crosses the line that its a problem

2. Keep in mind that trainer man likely hits on every female he finds attractive. Im not trying to rain on your parade but he could be a dog. Dont be fooled into thinking yu are definitely the only one. Its possible, so be careful not to get stung. 

3. I would rather be around attractive female than ugly ducklings. When I go to the store, I always pick the hottest cashier. I told my wife and she just laughs and says something smarty like of course and I go to the hottest shoe salesman. 

There is no need to sahre or expect your hub to share that there are other attractive people in the world interacting with you. Its a reality and thank goodness for that.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Interesting: two different POVs!

My H is interesting. He judges attention I get from other men like this: he only sees it a problem if upon seeing/interacting with the other guy, he feels "threatened", like if he thinks the other guy is more attractive, more buff, etc. I have had guys outwardly flirting with me and he has not been bothered as he says he has "nothing to worry about." That is, he thinks they have nothing to offer me. What fascinates me is that he never thinks of whether *I* might find them attractive: to him that doesn't enter the equation. It's about how *he* feels about them.

If I'm being brutally honest I would love it if he showed a little jealousy. Not in a game-playing way but it would show me he desired me and valued me.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Your H is delusional to believe that you are immune to being seriously tempted to be with another man, especially if the perfect storm of circumstances ever presented itself.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Having a male personal trainer for a woman is a very risky thing IMHO. I am totally against having opposite sex personal trainers. He is not technically a "personal" trainer but maybe close enough. You knew there was a risk so you posted to get other's opinions. 

Ok, I give up, what exactly is the sport? Are we talking Cross-Fit or something else?

If you pursue this I highly suggest you never are alone with the male trainers ... ever. I would also be very leary about after hour activities where the team goes out to bond. 

Keep your wits about you, stay with the group and don't be touchy feely. A kino escalation of a sort would have already been run as the touching barrieres have been lessoned in the training.
While there are cues in training where a trainer touches, they really should not be touching your butt or inner thighs, chest / breasts and so on. If you re getting massages from these guys you really should opt out of this activity period. Also they should not be hanging around where the women are dressing and so on.

And above resist the temptation to make your husband jealous .....


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Having a male personal trainer for a woman is a very risky thing IMHO. I am totally against having opposite sex personal trainers. So this guy is a "member of a team" made up of mostly women. He is not technically a personal trainer but maybe close enough. You knew there was a risk so you posted to get other's opinions.
> 
> Ok, I give up, what exactly is the sport? Are we talking Cross-Fit or something else?


Roller Derby. The guy has skated for years and helps the newbies learn their minimum skills.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> Roller Derby. The guy has skated for years and helps the newbies learn their minimum skills.


Wow! Have not seen roller derby in so very long.

Yup, there is touching going to happen. Lotsa bruises. Lotsa stretching. Lotsa soaking in the tub and massages.

All I can say is watch yourself. Good luck. Make sure you know what your boundaries need to be.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

This guy's comments re your toes etc are completely inappropriate. He was fishing, for sure. You should avoid him and tell your H.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Just so there is no doubt , yes HE WAS HITTING on you.

And you failed the test, because not only did you soak it up, but you indicated the way you answered that ou woud be back for more and you'd like to have more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Just so there is no doubt , yes HE WAS HITTING on you.
> 
> And you failed the test, because not only did you soak it up, but you indicated the way you answered that ou woud be back for more and you'd like to have more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Just so there is no doubt , yes HE WAS HITTING on you.
> 
> And you failed the test, because not only did you soak it up, but you indicated the way you answered that ou woud be back for more and you'd like to have more.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah I thought he was being more than friendly with the cute toes remark. I must admit it completely took me by surprise and was so not what I was expecting that my immediate thought was "what a weird thing to say" and I realised I was frowning at him.

My enthusiastic comment about going next week was completely directed by my utter enthusiasm for the sport. I never thought it could be interpreted as an interest. With hindsight I see this.

I don't find him attractive. For the most part he comes across as the archetypal nice guy. Certainly if I was single I wouldn't look twice at him.

I still would actually like it if I told my H and he were a little possessive of me. He never does this. I find it flattering that he trusts me completely but I wish just sometimes he'd act like I'm worth something to him. Make it clear I'm his. I'd be interested to know at what point he'd get off his ass and show some feeling.

I remember mentioning this to him not long after his EA. A construction worker whistled at me as he walked past one day and I told my H. He said why are you telling me this, are you trying to make me jealous? I said maybe I am, I wish you were a little sometimes. He went mad and said I should stop playing games. That he had nothing to be jealous about. It sounds crazy but it makes me feel sad. Random strangers show me they think I look good but my own H doesn't seem to think it's important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Do notplay the jealousy game to feed your own need for outside validation. It is sick, as jealousy is one of the worst feelings a person can have, IMO. Who wants to hurt their spouse that way, just for an ego stroke. It is demeaning and abusive(just like cheating is).


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Do notplay the jealousy game to feed your own need for outside validation. It is sick, as jealousy is one of the worst feelings a person can have, IMO. Who wants to hurt their spouse that way, just for an ego stroke. It is demeaning and abusive(just like cheating is).


I understand. I know of course from his EA and the fallout how jealousy feels. 

I genuinely did not mean I want to provoke strong feelings of jealousy. More a stirring, a "wow there's other men in the world that might have more to offer, she's a fabulous wife, I better step up my game and let the world know she's mine to keep her here with me." 

There has been a guy who for years has flirted heavily with me. I have always made it clear I am with H and not open to anything, and been open with my H about this guy's behavior. My H has never said anything or done anything to put this guy in his place. I would love some manly territorial-ness, even if it were just a hand round my waist when we see this guy, a smart comment directed at him, or for him to swoop in when he has seen the guy approach me. My H stands by and will watch this guy try his damndest and will never intervene or do anything. And my H isn't a "beta" wimp, he's very healthily Alpha.

*shrugs* I know his EA has left some very long-lasting effects and this is one of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

How the he** did your H win your heart anyway?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I understand. I know of course from his EA and the fallout how jealousy feels.
> 
> I genuinely did not mean I want to provoke strong feelings of jealousy. More a stirring, a "wow there's other men in the world that might have more to offer, she's a fabulous wife, I better step up my game and let the world know she's mine to keep her here with me."
> 
> ...


WW. It is for you to put this other man down in no uncertain terms. You are the one who has to do it and yet you haven’t done it in “years”. It is not your husband’s “job” to do this unless you specifically ask him to do it! 

Maybe the two of you are playing silly but exceptionally harmful games with one another. You keep this other man on by not rejecting him and putting him in his place and your H having an affair to demonstrate to you that other women find him attractive!

Get the OM out of your life and out of your marriage!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

AFEH said:


> WW. It is for you to put this other man down in no uncertain terms. You are the one who has to do it and yet you haven’t done it in “years”. It is not your husband’s “job” to do this unless you specifically ask him to do it!
> 
> Maybe the two of you are playing silly but exceptionally harmful games with one another. You keep this other man on by not rejecting him and putting him in his place and your H having an affair to demonstrate to you that other women find him attractive!
> 
> Get the OM out of your life and out of your marriage!


AFEH

I will be clear and state I have said in unequivocal terms that I am not interested in that guy. He knows I am married and I have made it clear I am not interested in his advances. And I mean I have turned down his many propositions and explained clearly that I am not interested, I am married and very dedicated to my marriage.

My H knows about it all. We have discussed it and he has said he is not threatened by this guy in any way, and that he trusts me. Thinking about it I probably haven't been clear with my H that I *want* him to take a proactive stance. I just find it incredibly odd and somewhat deflating that this guy will blatantly come over to our group of friends when we go out (he's friends with many of our friends), sit down and start flirting BLATANTLY "at" me and my H doesn't do a thing. Nothing. I actually feel embarrassed that he wouldn't step in at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Any H worthy of calling himself that, should do everything to make his W feel emotionally supported and protected. Your H has earned an F for failing one of the most important tests a man could take in his lifetime.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> AFEH
> 
> I will be clear and state I have said in unequivocal terms that I am not interested in that guy. He knows I am married and I have made it clear I am not interested in his advances. And I mean I have turned down his many propositions and explained clearly that I am not interested, I am married and very dedicated to my marriage.
> 
> ...


Just ask your H to get it sorted. Be specific about the result you want, he'll do it in his own way.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The thing is that we men have been conditioned over and over to not act possessive f our woman, to treat her as a trusted equal not a prize. Which of course just messes with our guts when we want to pull her close and act all protective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> AFEH
> 
> I will be clear and state I have said in unequivocal terms that I am not interested in that guy. He knows I am married and I have made it clear I am not interested in his advances. And I mean I have turned down his many propositions and explained clearly that I am not interested, I am married and very dedicated to my marriage.
> 
> ...


You have a very dated idea of what a real man is, IMO. If you are a competent, intelligent person, you know very well how to stop the flirting. Your husband is not a knight in shining armor.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

morituri said:


> Any H worthy of calling himself that, should do everything to make his W feel emotionally supported and protected. Your H has earned an F for failing one of the most important tests a man could take in his lifetime.


This is bull.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> I wasn't sure where to post this so thought I would try in here...
> 
> Brief history: my H had an EA a few months ago. Things quite good now, been doing MC. Discussed boundaries very specifically to clear up what is not acceptable behavior.
> 
> ...


Your planning on showing him this right? Either way...pathetic simply pathetic. Yeah...why don't you ask the guy if he has a foot fetish? And tell him you have a male trainer fetish. What do you think this sounds like lady?


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