# Frustrated with my wife.



## Ronburgundy (Mar 17, 2013)

Hey all.

I find myself once again becoming frustrated with my wife of 13 years. 

My wife suffers from depression, which ultimately leads to other issues including her benign anti-socia, angry, and extremely judgemental of others. 

After 13 years I am starting to really have a difficult time dealing with all of this, and I feel terrible for this. I love my wife with all my heart, but am growing tired of dealing with all the drama that follows her around in life. Her depression cycles in and out of our lives, but for the last year it seems she is constantly in a state of depression to some degree. 

When she is in a depressed state she also becomes very with drawn, secretive with her life, and often finds herself in trouble And a few times she has nearly ended our marriage during these times. 

I am a extremely open people person, love benign around people, benign with friends, and really need these things in my life, the wife on the other hand hates it, and avoids at all cost, she can't be in crowds, hates loud noises, and finds any excuse to opt out of social gatherings. 

I guess seeming friends and their spouses out at functions is becoming hard, as I am usually alone. I also feel as though I am constantly having to be the one to hold it all together, and it's just becoming very taxing. 

Not really sure what I am asking you guys here, I just really needed to get this off my chest.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Is your wife in therapy? If she is, it doesn't seem to be working does it?

I suppose that when you and your wife began you lives together, you probably knew she had these tendencies. You also probably assumed that with your love, she could over come them. But what you maybe didn't count on was that your love would enable her to have as full a life as she wanted, while hanging on to the issues she has. Has she always avoided social settings? How did you two meet and date? Has she become more and more shut in over the years?

I'm glad to know that you remain active instead of hunkering down as she has done.

It's time to hold her accountable. You want a wife who is partner to you, who will be active with you, who will be fun with you. Tell her you expect her to start engaging with life. Tell her she runs the risk of losing your marriage by not engaging in fund activities. Marriage is supposed to help us by having a partner, by bringing value to our lives, by the addition of shared futures. You are looking at your future and thinking this is not what I signed up for. While there are no guarantees in life, she has purposely chosen to be a drag on you and a recipient of your care, rather than a participant and an added dimension that brings quality.

She needs to know she is making your life harder, she is allowing her issues to prevent her from enjoying life and you will not overlook it any more. She must begin real therapy and do the work necessary to overcome these issues or go life alone. Sounds harsh but none of the issues above are insurmountable. There is good help out there but she has to want it and work it. Right now she's expecting you to work around and accept her issues, because that's what you've always done. 

It's your life and your future, she can be a partner or she can step aside and live her life the way she wants it.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Why does she have to be the one to change? Presumably she is on medication and is doing what she can to stabilize her illness. You married her knowing how she is, what her condition is. Did you think it would magically just go away? Are you contributing to the problem? Depression is a real medical condition...she is lacking proper brain chemistry. She can't just snap out of it and become a social butterfly because that is what would make YOU happy. You promised for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, didn't you? Well, now it's time to live up to that promise, rather than expecting her to magically get all better so you have arm candy to party with. Grow up, this is real life, with real problems. 
If she is being secretive, she obviously feels that you can't be trusted with her feelings.

Sorry if I seem harsh, but you sound just like my husband.


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## NShine (Mar 19, 2013)

How can you draw a depressed spouse out of the depression cocoon. That's what's hardest, being left feeling isolated and cold and not being capable of helping.


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## popit7 (Mar 18, 2013)

Unfortunately we cant do or say anything. My wife has depression. We cant blame anyone. For better or worse doesnt mean that we will actually do it. Till death do us part, now thats a joke, especially with the youth of today. Young married couples. We have no idea what love means anymore. To us its just getting married and if that doesnt work out then we all turn to the same conclusion and thats getting a divorce. Bring back the old times. Look at older folks. Do we not feel embarrased about how they are still together living long and making the most of eachothers company while we young people are breaking up and re-marrying? Shame on us all. We have no idea what love is. Im only 25 and married for nearly a year now and im already facing challenges in my marriage but i vowed to be there for my wife so im fighting for her. I suggest u do the same. Love is not a word u just throw around for fun. U have to really mean it. Im just realising that now myself too. So make the effort. Try to find that trust in her again. Im doing the same. Try to take her back to when u first met. Make her remember that moment when u both were so in love with eachother. At the same time trust her to do the right thing. Because i have the same problem. But im working on it. So should you.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...dunno...life with the mentally ill typically sucks - and typically doesn't improve a lot from their end... There's really not much you can do to change her.

...after 13 years, it might be time to accept that your wife is continually depressed, creates drama, and occasionally tries to end your marriage. It might also be time to accept that she hasn't left yet - so she probably won't.

...it'd be great to attend social functions with your wife, but that won't happen. 

The good news is that there's life outside of marriage. 

One option is divorcing your wife and going on to singlehood - leaving her to stew in her depression. This might be healthy for her and you. It doesn't sound like your marital issues are bad enough for this to be a good plan.

Another option is staying with your wife, accepting that she won't change - and changing your life. That won't be easy - and there'll be a lot of compromises involved, but will probably be better than sitting around hoping she'll change.

You could...
...join a local meetup involving some of your hobbies.
...join a NAMI support group.
...participate in a local charity or church.
...socialize at work and after-hours.
...golf (my FIL's wife is a lot like this...and he's pretty social...so he opted to make her a golf widow...not a perfect plan either.)

If she gets lonely, invite her along - and compromise a bit by staying home sometimes.

Meanwhile, if you care about your wife...you can take steps to minimize enabling behavior (basically, avoid shielding her from the consequences of her actions) while still remaining attentive to her healthy needs. So, if she goes off by herself and gets arrested...she gets to do community service. If she loses a bunch of money gambling...you get separate accounts. 

...but yah...sound like living with your wife is pretty frustrating.

OTOH, people vary a lot. You like socializing, some people don't. It is best to accept those differences. Eg, my wife has a lot of trouble with crowds and noise and people. It turned out that she, among other issues, probably has Aspergers.

--Argyle


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Generally when someone has an emotional issue, you need to discuss things when they are sane or doing well, not when they are in the midst of depression or some other disorder.


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## NShine (Mar 19, 2013)

I feel kind of guilty for socializing without my wife though. I guess I feel I'm being disloyal or something for enjoying social interaction without her. Suppose it's nice to hear other people have used that as a means of "coping".

As far as discussing the issue when they are doing well.... it's hard to break that "smooth ride". I mean when things are fine and my wife is my wife I'm happy - upsetting the balance seems foolish, but of course ultimately more productive.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

First of all I am really sorry you are going through this. As someone who dealt with a spouse with strong neurotic traits I can attest that it can be difficult if not impossible to live with a person like this. 

Having said this you have seem to come here to find answers or maybe find that inspiration to make the "right" decision. The "right" decision is subjective. Already in this thread you have some people that believe that maybe she might be mentally ill, depressed, angry, etc. because of something you are doing. After 13 years anybody would be tired of having to deal with the constant turmoil. 

You should not change who you really are so as not to trigger a person's wrath. That's not a life worth living. You should start to look at your life long term and see if this is worth it. Let's say you are willing to help her get counseling and medication. Are you willing to take a chance that her condition might improve in 1 or 2 or 3+ years if ever? Are you also willing to deal with the potential health issues you might suffer as a consequence of her issues affecting you? Yes I can guarantee that long term her issues will cause you health problems. 

This is going to sound cold especially to the females on this board but your life should not be wasted away at a small chance of recovery. These behaviors you describe are deeply ingrained in her psychological makeup and it might take YEARS to help her become something you want of a spouse. This might not ever happen and even if some improvement does surface was the pyrrhic victory worth it? 

So ultimately you really need to start asking yourself if you really think she might get better or its better to cut your losses and enjoy life again. 

I used to be one of those guys who held on hoping my EX would get better, it never happened because in her mind it was ok to treat people like dirt. At that point it became my fault for allowing it to continue. 

Good luck and hopefully you find the peace you are looking for.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...please don't feel guilty over socializing without your wife. The key point is that, usually, changing your behavior to avoid upsetting a mentally ill spouse is unhealthy for both them and you. This tends to lead to codependency and usually worsens whatever issues they have. 

So, you should probably feel guilty over _not socializing_.

That said, Sanity has a good point...which is that you shouldn't hold on hoping that she'll get better.

--Argyle


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