# Husband says he's not happy with himself



## Lulu29 (Feb 21, 2016)

Finally I made him talk to me , we are married since 5 years have a 2 year old and no sex. I was always trying to understand and make him talk to me what was bother g him , if it was me , if it was our child , trying to understand his position the passt 2 years . At the beginning he sad was our child, than it was his Job, now he is not happy (what???) 
He has times when he jumps on me and wants me , just like that , but this happens once in 3 - 5 months . He doesn't notice me at all whatever I do to seduce him. I told him this time I want to leave him maybe is this what he wanted to hear. No , no way he loves me he just doesn't know why , he's not happy with himself, doesn't have power and can't enjoy. 
When I asked him if he was always like this with other women he said he was never this long in a relation before. When we where dating we had great Sex , first day we moved in together it stopped.
Now I don't know what to do It's been 5 years of tears , I have a child to raise, I totally depend on him financially , I have actually nobody who could help me , no family , no friends, it's sad . He says he loves me what is this kind of sick love ? I asked him to be fair , first with him and than with me . And than he sad that if I want he would go and see somebody profesional! ( if I want ??)
I am in a situation that only me and God maybe can see the pain I don't know what to do I love him still but I don't belive him , it doesn't make sence to me , maybe you guys have more experience with this stuff and can give some inputs!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Men create sexless marriages as often as women are accused. 

There is another member here with personal experience, @EleGirl.

Does your husband watch porn very often?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Picking (cherry picking perhaps?) a couple phrases: first it was his job & he has no power. 

This could be huge. Some people just have a crappy attitude about well, work and life. My wife is like this, she gets in an endless funk every year about her job. She'll go for a few years and then switch to another area, same organization, and it'll be better for a while. Can he do something else? Transfer? 

Me, i do not get that way at all. The job provides money for me to enjoy the rest of my life. There can be some pressures from time to time but not a big deal...


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## jacangs (Feb 22, 2016)

that is a tough situation. I lack sex and intimacy in my marriage and it's a huge part of why I am considering divorce. Among others. Just rememeber that you happiness comes first. Sounds like you believe in God, as do I, pray about it. and in the mean time, focus on what you need out of your marriage and life. If he can't provide that for you, then you need to consider leaving. No one should live their one and only life unhappy and feeling unappreciated. And definitely without sex. Sex is natural and its what brings couples together. I know it's easier said then done, obviously since i'm stuck as well, but just remind yourself that your happiness is first priority. Hope this helps.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

His depression isn't on you or your child. Don't accept blame. 

What is he willing to do to help himself or save his marriage? 

If he will talk to someone and see a therapist, then insist upon it. 

Many depressions are treatable. Depression (major depression) - Mayo Clinic

Best


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The sex stopped when you moved in together, so his reluctance has nothing to do with job or kids. The logical answer is the sex was just bait to get you to committed. If cheese gets put on a rat trap before the rat is caught but no cheese gets put out after the rat is caught, then the obvious reason is the cheese was bait to catch a rat, not given to feed a rat or to show affection or caring for one. Now, what does he get out of maintaining the appearance of a heterosexual relationship? He's sole breadwinner and has a wife and kid. In a divorce, he'll lose his shirt. He has a very real financial incentive to keep you locked into the marriage, whether the marriage is real or not. To keep half his property all he has to do is put up with you asking for sex once in a while or complaining about the lack of sex. I would be wondering why he would want to move in with or marry a woman he had no sexual or romantic interest in.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lulu29 said:


> I totally depend on him financially , I have actually nobody who could help me ,* no family , no friends,* it's sad .


If you do not have an established social life outside of your marriage, then that is a red flag that perhaps you are too emotionally dependent upon your husband to make you happy.

While he can help make you into a happier person when you need it, he can NOT be help responsible for your happiness. You have to establish your own personal space and social life, take responsibility for your own happiness, and SHARE that with him. 

Odds are sex used to be better when you were your own person and more emotionally independent. Odds are it will improve when you find ways to become more emotionally independent. 

Talk to your husband and see if he is supportive of helping your pursue things on your own. An example might be for him to babysit while you get involved with a church group that helps the community. Sometimes helping others turns out to be the best way to help ourselves.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Both of you may benefit from counseling, if you have insurance or can afford it. If you don't have a network of friends, start developing one however you can (for example, check mother's groups in meetup.com). Look into getting a job, so you aren't so financially dependent. Your husband sounds depressed, so probably needs help to overcome it. Whether that changes your marriage for the better remains to be seen, so you need to work on your options in case it doesn't.


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## Lulu29 (Feb 21, 2016)

He is just not happy with what he has, I have the Impression he lives in the future! If he will win 500$ tonight he will not be happy, he can't enjoy, he wants more ! And this is for everything! He's always running and not enjoying what he has!


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## Lulu29 (Feb 21, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> His depression isn't on you or your child. Don't accept blame.
> 
> What is he willing to do to help himself or save his marriage?
> 
> ...


Well at least he says he will try , he started CBT training and is willing to se a therapist, so I don't know it's been 5 years we live together!


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## Lulu29 (Feb 21, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Lulu29 said:
> 
> 
> > I totally depend on him financially , I have actually nobody who could help me ,* no family , no friends,* it's sad .
> ...


Well I do have a social life , I just can't talk and rely on nobody about this. When I said I have no friends I meant more that I don't see nobody can help me on this Maybe I am not ready to do so or maybe I am a shame of my problem ! I am a very active happy person actually , finding a Job will not make me happy, I want sex I want that my husband touches me sexually , and not giving me hugs, he's not intrested in sex in general because he is to bussy thinking !


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Lulu29 said:


> He is just not happy with what he has, I have the Impression he lives in the future! If he will win 500$ tonight he will not be happy, he can't enjoy, he wants more ! And this is for everything! He's always running and not enjoying what he has!


Has he ever been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in the past? 



Lulu29 said:


> Well at least he says he will try , he started CBT training and is willing to se a therapist, so I don't know it's been 5 years we live together!


Sorry, I missed that. What condition is the CBT for?


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## Lulu29 (Feb 21, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Men create sexless marriages as often as women are accused.
> 
> There is another member here with personal experience, @EleGirl.
> 
> Does your husband watch porn very often?


No , no porns , I suggested watching together that doesn't turn him on


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## Lulu29 (Feb 21, 2016)

peacem said:


> For some men, when the children are young (and lets be honest - hard work), and both of you are tired at the end of the day, it becomes easier to just masturbate than save up sexual energy for later (and sometimes the chance of rejection because you are exhausted). It is just easier and quicker. It doesn't take doing the same thing several times before it becomes a habit - and in this case a bad one. It is when a good thing turns into laziness and complacency. It is not necessarily that he doesn't find you desirable, it is more likely he has just turned lazy.
> 
> Do you talk about sex other than when you are upset or making yourself available (horny). This is a mistake I made. It would only be when I was ready for sex (he may have already self serviced) or feeling disgruntled (sex becomes pressurized) that I would talk about my needs. So now we talk about sex at times when their is no expectation but when we can just be honest.
> 
> I am in a minority here on scheduling sex, but it did really help us with our miscommunication and helped us to reconnect our sexual needs.


Might be , might be that he is lazy , but we had the problem before having our kid. We talk about sex , I order Pizza and put porno to watch , dress sexy but not ofensive, go down on him , go in the show er with him , nothing, nothing turns him on !


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Lulu29 said:


> Might be , might be that he is lazy , but we had the problem before having our kid. We talk about sex , I order Pizza and put porno to watch , dress sexy but not ofensive, go down on him , go in the show er with him , nothing, nothing turns him on !


No boner with any of that?


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