# New Member - need to let it out



## Whitney (May 19, 2012)

I'll try to make a long story short. 

Background: I left my husband (a minister) of 23 years (for the third time) in January. First time for 3 months due to suspicions (we'd been married 7 years) - Second time for 16 months due to alcoholism (in 2009). Both times I knew I would eventually go back. I just needed to breathe. He had 3 children from previous marriage (wife deceased) that I raised. We had two together. (ages now: 18-34) He never wanted to go see a counselor ("since he didn't have the problem, I did"). Things got better for a while; but my unhappiness continued. The last time I left, I told him we HAD TO see a counselor before I would come back. He said I had to come back and THEN we could see a counselor...thus the 16 month separation. We were both waiting for the other to give in. For the last 3 months or so of the separation, we began 'dating' to try to work it out (without the aid of a counselor - guess I gave in). I would research online and try things others had suggested. . Ever heard of the LOVE DARE book? I went back; and after being back and 'trying' for 2 months, I came face to face with another potential infidelity issue with him and another woman. (someone I know.-They ALL happen to be women I know). I KNOW I'm not going back this time.

Phone records (which he unknowingly directed me to) revealed numerous conversations with OW only when I was out of time and for HOURS- usually after 10:00 pm at night. Infidelity or an EA or a PA - something happened. Additionally, after I saw the phone records and realized who the number belonged to and how often the spoke and when they spoke - I wondered if there was email communication. I didn't have his password - I still don't; but he left his email open on my iPad one day and I came across emails to/from a DIFFERENT woman (another 'friend)- and that was when I realized he loved the idea of having a wife who was there for him, (an he may even love me), but he loved the idea of secretly having 'something' with these other women that I will no longer put up with. I have given him his freedom to be with whoever he wants but this time, I won't be the wife in the background anymore. 

That was January. It's now May. We've begun legalizing our separation which includes transferring utilities, phones, etc. Bad to say, but I still have access to the phone records - and out of curiosity, I check to see if they still communicate. November/December there was none. 2 days after I left in January, it began again. I guess I wish he would just admit it. I don't intend to be alone for the rest of my life (I'm 47) and I'm entertaining the thought of having a phone conversation with someone I met 4 years ago. (He's widowed - but have a mutual friend). How forward of me would it be of me to look him up?  Is it too soon? I don't want to go out in public. I just want to have someone to talk to.:scratchhead:


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I say call him! Not forward at all in this day and age. And since you are serious about pursuing the divorce, and you've been separated five months, why not? You sound like a very honest and open woman, and as long as you are honest and open with New Guy, I don't see any reason why not.


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## Andy968 (Apr 29, 2012)

I think it's definately good to expand your social circle with men and women. I know I needed to and have done so just to get back into the practice of it. Having said that I have to ask myself if I can look myself in the mirror if I start a relationship that gets or might get romantic before a divorce is final. I also don't want to tell someone to wait for me, as I'm not sure that is fair to them. For now my goal is to not start anything that may be romantic until a divorce is final. I feel that would help me with my self esteem. Not saying this is your situation, just a perspective on my own issue.


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