# reconciliation



## thehag

I need help to get my wife back. I have been chatting with other women I met on line and got caught! My wife is devestated and I need some advice on how to win her back. I asked her for suggestions and she said it's your problem,you figure it out.I have lied to her a few times so this makes it hard to gain her trust. Someone please help!


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## Sfort

thehag said:


> I need help to get my wife back. I have been chatting with other women I met on line and got caught! My wife is devestated and I need some advice on how to win her back. I asked her for suggestions and she said it's your problem,you figure it out.I have lied to her a few times so this makes it hard to gain her trust. Someone please help!


You need to get into individual counseling to learn why you're doing what you're doing and to show your wife you're serious about changing your behavior. If I were her, you'd have a full year to prove to me that you're trustworthy.


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## Tilted 1

You have to own it!! And ask her what she wants to see you do and I don't mean rugsweeping this either.


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## TJW

The only, only, thing you can do, is to resolve yourself to forever be truthful with her, answer her questions, explain why you did it (I mean the reasons which have everything to do with you and nothing to do with her), and allow her complete and open access to all your online activities.

Become completely transparent about where you go, what you do, surfing, etc.

The decision, from that point, is hers. You cannot change the past, but you can ensure her future has none of this in it, ever again.


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## EleGirl

thehag said:


> I need help to get my wife back. I have been chatting with other women I met on line and got caught! My wife is devestated and I need some advice on how to win her back. I asked her for suggestions and she said it's your problem, you figure it out. I have lied to her a few times so this makes it hard to gain her trust. Someone please help!


There are several self help books that would help you with this. Here is a link to one of them.

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful *

Also, you post here on TAM and get some help with this.


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## EleGirl

Also, I moved your thread to the New Member Forum because it's required that your first thread be here. 

You can now post anywhere else on the sub forums.


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## MJJEAN

Convince me. Convince me you really want to honestly and truly be in a fully monogamous relationship with your wife for the rest of your life.

Hint: If you can't convince me you'll never convince her. I'm just asking for words. She'll need words and they'll need to be honest and there will need to be actions backing them up.


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## MattMatt

thehag said:


> I need help to get my wife back. I have been chatting with other women I met on line and got caught! My wife is devestated and I need some advice on how to win her back. I asked her for suggestions and she said it's your problem,you figure it out.I have lied to her a few times so this makes it hard to gain her trust. Someone please help!


It's called doing the heavy lifting. And that's your job as the cheater in the marriage.


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## *Deidre*

So, if she didn't 'catch you,' would you still be doing it? 

Why do you want to win someone back whom you don't sound interested in, honestly? Are you just fearful of divorcing? 

I ask these questions, because if you are just trying to 'win your wife back,' so you can alleviate the pain of a divorce but you're really not into her or the marriage anymore, then you need to reflect on different things. 

Seems like a lot of people who ''get caught'' in infidelity - whether emotional, or physical - have this knee-jerk reaction to ''win their spouse back,'' begging for them to forgive them. I'm not sure I've ever read a story on here where the wayward spouse didn't go into a panic, begging for their spouse to forgive them, and how all of their shenanigans ''didn't mean anything.''


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## She'sStillGotIt

*Deidre* said:


> So, if she didn't 'catch you,' would you still be doing it? '


 LOL. Of *course *he would still be doing it. If he'd chosen on his own to stop, there wouldn't have been anything for him to be caught doing, right? So of course he'd still be doing it to this day - and for as long as he got his jollies from it.


As is usually the case, it's only *after* they're caught that they suddenly are SO willing to be the model spouse that they had NO desire to be before they were caught. The new improved Husband (or Wife) 2.0 only comes out when THEY stand to lose something. Funny how that upgrade works, isn't it? 

You've lied to her a "few" times, OP? I'm willing to bet it's a lot more than a 'few.' Of course she can't believe a word out of your mouth because you've proved yourself to be completely untrustworthy. And I'm willing to bet she STILL doesn't know the whole truth - and never will. You've probably only told her the minimum and admitted to only what she actually found. No need to lie to me and tell I'm wrong - I'm not your wife. 

*Respect *the fact that this may be a deal breaker for her. Secondly, respect the fact that not all of us jump on the "reconciliation" bandwagon nor do we recommend it. There's a reason you did what you did - and it was likely boredom, a desire for sexual variety, and to get a cheap thrill. You don't need a therapist to tell you THAT.

So what happens - you get your wife back, things go back to normal and then you're 'bored' all over again and the cycle repeats itself? Or worse, you get 'bored' again and silently resent your wife for trapping you in a boring life that you get no relief from?

Think twice before you go blindly running back and begging forgiveness. Like Deidre said, just about all cheaters go running back to cling to their wive's skirts (or their husband's pant-legs) because they're too afraid to do anything else.


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## Tilted 1

MJJEAN said:


> Convince me. Convince me you really want to honestly and truly be in a fully monogamous relationship with your wife for the rest of your life.
> 
> Hint: If you can't convince me you'll never convince her. I'm just asking for words. She'll need words and they'll need to be honest and there will need to be actions backing them up.


Like this!


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## Marduk

thehag said:


> I need help to get my wife back. I have been chatting with other women I met on line and got caught! My wife is devestated and I need some advice on how to win her back. I asked her for suggestions and she said it's your problem,you figure it out.I have lied to her a few times so this makes it hard to gain her trust. Someone please help!


What you're describing is emotional abuse. Do you understand that? Do you acknowledge that you have been abusive to her?

My advice is not to try to get her back. Let her go. Instead, focus on never being emotionally abusive to anyone ever again. That's likely going to consume the next few years of your life, so you might as well get started today.


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## Arkansas

you are a piece of crap

do you admit that? do you TRULY understand that you have a serious problem in hurting DEEPLY someone you're supposed to love, honor, respect, take care of ... you are supposed to be the ONE person she trusts in the world !!

if you can admit you're a terrible person and figure out WHY ----- then explain all that to her


Accountability feels like an attack when you're not ready to acknowledge how your behavior affects others


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## inabind

Arkansas said:


> Accountability feels like an attack when you're not ready to acknowledge how your behavior affects others



Wonderfully put. This should be a meme.

My SO still hasn't wrapped their head around this. Make sure whatever "reasons" you had for this decision you don't blame her. Infidelity only takes one. You must be willing to do whatever it takes genuinely, not for you to feel better but for her to feel better.


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## a_new_me

What is reconciliation?

You created an end to what you once had.
Do you really want it back?
Why?
What made you do the things you did?
What need was inside of you that you felt this behaviour was acceptable and what was she not doing to help you? Was there a lack of communication?

Find the root of the issue. Is it trauma? Is it communication? Stress? Incompatibility? 

Delete all your accounts. Take the password off your phone. Any accounts you need, give her the passwords for. Allow her feelings and accept them. Let her grieve so that you can rebuild, if that is what you want...more so what she wants.

I dated a man for 6months a few years ago. 
He was working during the week and spending his time on the weekends with me unless I had my kids or he had family stuff.

One day he started ghosting me.

Turned out he needed a place to live, met a chick and moved in with her a couple weeks later. Left me high and dry. No word.
They lived together for a few months and things went bad. He realized he made the wrong choice. He has been trying to get back with me now since then. Been begging me for over 2 years now. I know why he did it, but that does not matter. 
He will get nothing from me until I get a solid apology and he shows me that he is worthy of my forgiveness and trust. If you cannot earn those, everything else is pointless. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## rinnylong

I guess my question would be why did you start talking to another women? Bored? Fighting with wife - there must be a reason that lead you to do that. I think you need to figure that out and address it.


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