# Wife and the Menopause



## Curriousman (6 mo ago)

How do I handle this. My wife is 6 yrs older than me 60. Since our boy was born nearly 20 yrs ago our sex life started to slow. Then the menopause and now it’s been nearly 4yrs of no sex or even any closeness at all. 
I am a person who really loves cuddles holding hands etc. I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.
Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

It may be that as sexual intimacy declines, it's hard (no pun intended) to have non-sexual intimacy. The longer you go without sex, the more simple non-sexual intimate moments want you to move to sexually intimate moments. Your wife knows that and just avoids those situations. You can try to slowly introduce non-sexual intimate moments and make sure you don't push to make them sexual, but in my experience even doing that won't bring back sexually intimate times.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Curriousman said:


> I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.


What happened when you spoke to her and told her that this isn't working for you?



Curriousman said:


> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


This is a foolish idea. I'm not going to make a list, but I'm sure you could come up with a long list of cons if you sat down to think about it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Curriousman said:


> How do I handle this. My wife is 6 yrs older than me 60. Since our boy was born nearly 20 yrs ago our sex life started to slow. Then the menopause and now it’s been nearly 4yrs of no sex or even any closeness at all.
> I am a person who really loves cuddles holding hands etc. I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.
> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


So you work together. Does that mean you're together 24/7? If so little wonder the thrill is gone for one or both of you. Maybe you should try not working together, but I will say that usually when a woman has lost the attraction or the drive, it's not usually coming back.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You can’t bang someone else while in love with your spouse. That’s a lie.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Four years? I’d talk to her after four weeks. It’s no marriage. you are roomies


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I suggest asking for a separation. Don't engage in a FWB relationship, or God forbid, pay for sex! There are plenty of available ladies out there that NEED a good man to have lots of sex with.

As a man that endured a sexless marriage for far too long, please don't waste much time and start looking for real love elsewhere. Sex should be a huge part of a real love relationship. JMHO.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What did your wife say when you talked to her about this? 
Have you had MC?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

snowbum said:


> You can’t bang someone else while in love with your spouse. That’s a lie.


Well, you can, but you probably will regret afterwards… 😊


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Curriousman said:


> How do I handle this. My wife is 6 yrs older than me 60. Since our boy was born nearly 20 yrs ago our sex life started to slow. Then the menopause and now it’s been nearly 4yrs of no sex or even any closeness at all.
> I am a person who really loves cuddles holding hands etc. I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.
> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


Don't blame menopause for your wife's unwillingness to hold hands or cuddle or be close.

That isn't why.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Also, this may be hormonal, but it's not specifically menopause, as you said this has been going on for years now. There are lots of post menopausal women who don't lose their sex drive. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Menopause can be a great excuse for the wives who don't want sex anymore... I guess.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Menopause can be a great excuse for the wives who don't want sex anymore... I guess.


Sad, though, that some choose this route.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Menopause can be a great excuse for the wives who don't want sex anymore... I guess.


Guess it affects different women in different ways. Maybe the ones who were never that much into their husbands just use the "change" as a convenient excuse. Always wonder if Chad from accounting appeared their libido would return full force.

My wife is nearing three decades past full menopause, her libido never tanked whether using HRT or not. This very morning for example. And yesterday afternoon. And yesterday morning...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Guess it affects different women in different ways. Maybe the ones who were never that much into their husbands just use the "change" as a convenient excuse. Always wonder if Chad from accounting appeared their libido would return full force.


Possibly...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Always wonder if Chad from accounting appeared their libido would return full force.


Steve is from accounting. 

Kevin is from Sales.

And Sven is from Yoga. 

Chad is good looking and studly enough, he can be completely unemployed and still get the chicks.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Steve is from accounting.
> 
> Kevin is from Sales.
> 
> ...


Ok. If studly Chad showed up her libido would reappear no matter menopause. 

I never knew where these characters appeared so keep mixing them up. Seems there was a Karen in the mix too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Menopause can cause a pretty significant drop in sexual libido. And it can cause actual physical changes such as vaginal dryness and thinning and atrophy of the vaginal tissues making PIV painful or even actually damaging and injury. 

But it usually does not eliminate the basic human desire for closeness and affection and touch etc. 

If someone does not want to be around you and do not want you touching them at all, that's because they don't like you and don't want to have any kind of physical relationship with you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Seems there was a Karen in the mix too.


Karen is the gal that if you are mowing the lawn and your grass clippings blow over into her yard, she calls the cops.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Curriousman said:


> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


Cheating is NOT the answer. Do not go down that road. 

Menopause may cause vaginal dryness which can make sex painful but it should have no effect on cuddling, hand-holding or basic affection. Something else is going on with your wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Curriousman said:


> How do I handle this. My wife is 6 yrs older than me 60. Since our boy was born nearly 20 yrs ago our sex life started to slow. Then the menopause and now it’s been nearly 4yrs of no sex or even any closeness at all.
> I am a person who really loves cuddles holding hands etc. I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.
> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


Many of the posters here believe that there should never be ANY kind of romantic/sexual or physical contact outside of marriage whatsoever. 

My belief is that marriage is what the couple makes it. 

After 4 years of continuous rejection and denial of not only sex but basic physical affection by a 60 year old woman - Do whatever you want and whatever you think will work best for you. 

She has chosen to deny and neglect your needs knowing that physical affection is important for you. She has made her own cold, hard bed. 

My own personal opinion is you should simply divorce and move on and live your life as a free man. 

If for whatever reason that doesn't work for you,, then do whatever does work for you without regard for her because she has chosen her path without regard to you. 

IMHO she has voluntarily relingquished any say over your genitalia and your sexuality. She simply has no rights to your sexuality anymore. It's not like she is going to get pregnant and it's not like she is going to get any kind of STI from you. And since she does not want any form of physical relationship with you, then what you do with your body is your business and your business alone. 

Might she divorce you if she finds out? Yeah sure. That's her right and her perogative. That is her right today too. 

Might you find someone else and walk away from her? Quite frankly, I hope you do. I hope you find love and happiness and find someone that wants to be with you. 

Do I think hooking up with FWBs or sex workers or drunk fat chicks from the bar is ideal? No, but it's your life and your genitalia so that's your call.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I personally think the reason you are still with her is a Hopium addiction. You are hoping she will get struck by lightning or hit on the head and she will transform into someone that likes you and wants to be with you. I understand that and I in a somewhat similar situation myself so I get it. 

But you really need to ask yourself why she is still with you if she doesn't want you to even touch her or have any kind of affection or closeness. 

Is it because you pay the bills?

Is it because she simply doesn't want to be alone in the house? Is it because she wants someone to take care of her when she gets sick? 

You need to ask yourself those questions and determine if you want to put the rest of your life on hold and deny yourself your own needs so you can perform those services for her? 

And yes, at this point, you are the one denying yourself. She's already made her wishes and intentions well known.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Love the Hopium addiction idea!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Question: why do men think menopause is just a conspiracy to avoid sex? I mean how many actually understand all menopause entails? I’m not through it and still like sex. But this : wife is menopause just a bs reason to avoid sex has got to stop. I’m guessing a decent amount of men in their 50s have gained weight, lost some hair, fart more, and aren’t the cassanova they were at 20 . Just saying. Menopause might not be the only factor in your sex life


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

snowbum said:


> Question: why do men think menopause is just a conspiracy to avoid sex? I mean how many actually understand all menopause entails? I’m not through it and still like sex. But this : wife is menopause just a bs reason to avoid sex has got to stop. I’m guessing a decent amount of men in their 50s have gained weight, lost some hair, fart more, and aren’t the cassanova they were at 20 . Just saying. Menopause might not be the only factor in your sex life


I'm a guy who's wife is post menopausal and I agree with the above. 

It is a not an "excuse" in the sense people are using it as a conspiracy to be mean and nasty to their husbands. 

It is an actual physiological and often emotional change that can fundamentally alter their innate sex drive and sexual and even emotional response in a variety of ways. 

To put it bluntly, it's not that lots of women are using menopause as an excuse to not have sex with their husbands,,,, they truly do not want to have sex with their husbands.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> To put it bluntly, it's not that lots of women are using menopause as an excuse to not have sex with their husbands,,,, they truly do not want to have sex with their husbands.


And what would you do if your wife said to you: sorry, I'm menopausal/post-menopausal and I don't desire to have sex with you ever again?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> And what would you do if your wife said to you: sorry, I'm menopausal/post-menopausal and I don't desire to have sex with you ever again?


I would respect her wish for celibacy. 












Then divorce her and get with other people.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I would respect her wish for celibacy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I love the gap you left there...  

Same conclusion I got to, sadly...

Now, I'm waiting for a few people saying we are leaving our wives just for sex..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> Now, I'm waiting for a few people saying we are leaving our wives just for sex..


And the problem there is????????

I guess the options are people can leave for sex or they can stay for sexlessness.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Actually I guess it kind of boils down to how you view sex and marriage in general and what your options are. 

If a guy has the option of getting his needs met on the outside without having to go through a divorce, that would probably be ideal. 

Most guys probably aren't going to be able to do that or at least not permanently on a long term basis without having to set aside a budget for professional providers. 

Men of ways and means have always had mistresses and sugar babies and side chicks. 

And some of it depends on what the wife does as well. 

Historically many have gone along with it and looked the other way as long as the bills were still being paid and as long as they weren't being publicly shamed or humiliated by it. 
Many in a way probably appreciated the mistress in the sense that they now no longer had to have sex with him. 

So it kind of depends on how much the wife wants his financial support vs her own independence also.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> And the problem there is????????
> 
> I guess the options are people can leave for sex or they can stay for sexlessness.


I’ve heard people say - also in this board - that after 30 years of marriage pursuing a sex relationship is foolish. You should be understanding and happy regardless… you shouldn’t throw away a marriage after all this time because it’s become sexless.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I’ve heard people say - also in this board - that after 30 years of marriage pursuing a sex relationship is foolish. You should be understanding and happy regardless… you shouldn’t throw away a marriage after all this time because it’s become sexless.


I have been married nearly twice as long as the 30 years mentioned, and am close to the last roundup, I wouldn't dissolve our marriage for any reason except infidelity. We have too many happy memories and enjoy one another in every way, not just sexually.

I DON'T think that pursuing a sexual relationship is 'foolish' after 30 years of marriage. And if sex ended for us I am NOT going to be "happy" about it. Understanding, maybe, depending on the circumstances. We have already been through my year-long recovery from prostate cancer where I was totally incapable of PIV. We dealt with my problems by other means and maintained our pair bond. 

So even at our advanced age, I can't imagine a scenario short of mental decline, psychosis, or major physical illness where maintaining the connection wouldn't be possible.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> So even at our advanced age, I can't imagine a scenario short of mental decline, psychosis, or major physical illness where maintaining the connection wouldn't be possible.


Ok but the scenario that @In Absentia proposed and one that is probably most likely with the OP of this thread is one partner outright stating that they no longer wish to have a physical relationship. 

If one partner needs physical touch and connection as part of their well being and the other partner needs to terminate the physical component for their well being, then how would they be able to maintain the connection needed by both within the marriage?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Ok but the scenario that @In Absentia proposed and one that is probably most likely with the OP of this thread is one partner outright stating that they no longer wish to have a physical relationship.
> 
> If one partner needs physical touch and connection as part of their well being and the other partner needs to terminate the physical component for their well being, then how would they be able to maintain the connection needed by both within the marriage?


I stated my position for ME. If wife told me she didn't want a physical relationship anymore, then we wont. I would not dissolve the marriage. We have too much good water under the bridge, I have too many miles on the odometer to start over, and don't want to live alone for what is left. We have kids, grandkids, and great grandkids together.

Won't say I would be happy about it, but believe a person can adapt to a lot of adversity. H3ll there are YOUNG men on here who haven't done their wife ( or anyone else besides ma palm and 5 daughters ) in years.

Again, that is my PERSONAL stance on this. I might get a dog for companionship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I’ve heard people say - also in this board - that after 30 years of marriage pursuing a sex relationship is foolish. You should be understanding and happy regardless… you shouldn’t throw away a marriage after all this time because it’s become sexless.


So say the people for which physical connection is not a necessity for their well being. 

But more importantly, they are saying that in regards to OTHER people. 

How many of them would be so bold if they were the ones that needed physical connection and they were the ones being rejected and denied? 

It's easy to tell other people what they should do. Just as it's easy to tell someone else to divorce. It's a whole other story when YOU are the one looking at dividing up your home and assets and telling the kids there will be no family holidays with both parents and they will not be going to the summer cabin at the lake with both parents present. 

When you put it all into the contexts of black and white and that your only two options are a life of physical involuntary celibacy or splitting up home, family and life that you have built for the last 30 years, it makes some discreet entertainment with some FWBs/Sugar Babies/professionals look a lot more worthy of some consideration.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> I stated my position for ME. If wife told me she didn't want a physical relationship anymore, then we wont. I would not dissolve the marriage. We have too much good water under the bridge, I have too many miles on the odometer to start over, and don't want to live alone for what is left. We have kids, grandkids, and great grandkids together.
> 
> Won't say I would be happy about it, but believe a person can adapt to a lot of adversity. H3ll there are YOUNG men on here who haven't done their wife ( or anyone else besides ma palm and 5 daughters ) in years.
> 
> Again, that is my PERSONAL stance on this. I might get a dog for companionship.


I understand that. 

But assuming you were still healthy and virile and had a need for physical contact, is it fair of OTHER people to tell you that you could not/should not seek physical comfort elsewhere because that was against THEIR values?

If it's against YOUR values and you choose to spend out the rest of your days in quite desperation, that is your choice and your option. 

But would other people have the right to tell you what you should and should not do based on their values?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I understand that.
> 
> But assuming you were still healthy and virile and had a need for physical contact, is it fair of OTHER people to tell you that you could not/should not seek physical comfort elsewhere because that was against THEIR values?
> 
> ...


Of course not. I live by *MY* values not based on what others' values are. I am healthy and virile, but personally would not choose to break MY vows from more than five decades ago no matter what. And would not dissolve the marriage except for adultery. And the rest of my days wouldn't be in quiet desperation in any event. Believe I could adapt quite happily to the situation. After awhile, might not even miss sex at all. Especially if stopped injecting Testosterone. Might read the word "sex" and wonder "what the heck is that?"


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Of course not. I live by *MY* values not based on what others' values are. I am healthy and virile, but personally would not choose to break MY vows from more than five decades ago no matter what. And would not dissolve the marriage except for adultery. And the rest of my days wouldn't be in quiet desperation in any event. Believe I could adapt quite happily to the situation. After awhile, might not even miss sex at all. Especially if stopped injecting Testosterone. Might read the word "sex" and wonder "what the heck is that?"


I understand that. But I was “only” 55 when my sex life stopped. Give me another 15, and then I might have been “happy”. But it is what it is. It’s just not sex, I miss the intimacy with my wife immensely. We are just friends now and it hurts. Because it wasn’t my choice and I wasn’t given any alternatives.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Of course not. I live by *MY* values not based on what others' values are. I am healthy and virile, but personally would not choose to break MY vows from more than five decades ago no matter what. And would not dissolve the marriage except for adultery. And the rest of my days wouldn't be in quiet desperation in any event. Believe I could adapt quite happily to the situation. After awhile, might not even miss sex at all. Especially if stopped injecting Testosterone. Might read the word "sex" and wonder "what the heck is that?"


I'm assuming you are in your 70s??? 

The OP of this thread is 54. He still has 20 years before he reaches your age. And he has already been chronically rejected and denied for several years so there is no reason to believe that his home situation will ever improve. 

He has a choice to make. His options are to -

- accept that he will spend the remainder of his virile years yearning for love and affection knowing he will never have it with his wife. 

- divorce her and go out into the world and see if he can find someone else. 

- seek physical comfort elsewhere whether that be by affair, FWB, Sugar Baby, professional provider etc etc. 

And he will need to do some soul searching and determine his own values and moral compass under the conditions and environments of his own situation.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> I understand that. But I was “only” 55 when my sex life stopped. Give me another 15, and then I might have been “happy”. But it is what it is. It’s just not sex, I miss the intimacy with my wife immensely. We are just friends now and it hurts. Because it wasn’t my choice and I wasn’t given any alternatives.


That's crap and you know it. 

You had and still have alternatives. We all do. 

She made her choice years ago. 

You made this choice as well the next day and here you are. You may not have liked her choice but you have agreed to it and you are here today as a result of that choice. 

And you have choices tomorrow. 

The OP has the same choices. He can accept it and live out his days as an InCel and a simp. He can pack his bags and go. Or he can keep paying the bills to shut her up and keep her around and see if he can find something on the side.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> I’ve heard people say - also in this board - that after 30 years of marriage pursuing a sex relationship is foolish. You should be understanding and happy regardless… you shouldn’t throw away a marriage after all this time because it’s become sexless.


It's not just sexless, though, and OP is pretty young, if he's in his 50s, to never have sex again.

She isn't even interested in holding hands. That's the massive problem.

If he stayes with her he will never have any human touch, again. 

It's not sex. It's that there is zero connection.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> That's crap and you know it.
> 
> You had and still have alternatives. We all do.
> 
> ...


She made her choice years ago, and that was it. Our marriage is over. She doesn’t seem to mind, though… but then our marriage has always been dysfunctional. I will recover… maybe.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> It's not just sexless, though, and OP is pretty young, if he's in his 50s, to never have sex again.
> 
> She isn't even interested in holding hands. That's the massive problem.
> 
> ...


Well, yes… the wife’s checked out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> It's not just sexless, though, and OP is pretty young, if he's in his 50s, to never have sex again.
> 
> She isn't even interested in holding hands. That's the massive problem.
> 
> ...


Yes there is zero connection. 

It’s strictly a legal/financial arrangement at this point.

That’s why I say she has no claim to his genitalia and to do whatever he wants.

If he wants to dissolve any legal/financial association with her and go out looking for love and connection - that’s up to him.

If he wants to maintain the legal/financial association and see if he can find some comfort outside of the marriage - again that’s his call. 

She has no voting rights on what he does with his genitalia.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

My wife has been unable to have intercourse since about menopause time. She gave it a good try, but no go. We have not had intercourse for over 26 years. But we cuddle and she responds to being "seduced" or a nude night. Not intercourse, but some hot intimacy.

She did attempt intercourse a few times to help me remain sexually active when I was castrate as part of cancer treatment. Really shook me up as I know she was giving a lot to help me. Too much.

Menopause does cause women to lose libido and, as in my wife's case, can cause physical changes. I've been through male menopause and have total sympathy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Julie's Husband said:


> My wife has been unable to have intercourse since about menopause time. She gave it a good try, but no go. We have not had intercourse for over 26 years. But we cuddle and she responds to being "seduced" or a nude night. Not intercourse, but some hot intimacy.
> 
> She did attempt intercourse a few times to help me remain sexually active when I was castrate as part of cancer treatment. Really shook me up as I know she was giving a lot to help me. Too much.
> 
> Menopause does cause women to lose libido and, as in my wife's case, can cause physical changes. I've been through male menopause and have total sympathy.


Most people will give credit for sincere effort and won’t walk out the door because someone is experiencing the natural effects of aging. 

It is a completely different scenario if someone is experiencing the natural effects of aging and can’t be swinging from the chandeliers anymore and is making a sincere effort to meet their partners needs in whatever capacity they can vs someone who no longer wants their partner to touch them ever again. 

Two completely different scenarios.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Curriousman said:


> How do I handle this. My wife is 6 yrs older than me 60. Since our boy was born nearly 20 yrs ago our sex life started to slow. Then the menopause and now it’s been nearly 4yrs of no sex or even any closeness at all.
> I am a person who really loves cuddles holding hands etc. I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.
> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


HRT could fix it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

snowbum said:


> Question: why do men think menopause is just a conspiracy to avoid sex? I mean how many actually understand all menopause entails? I’m not through it and still like sex. But this : wife is menopause just a bs reason to avoid sex has got to stop. I’m guessing a decent amount of men in their 50s have gained weight, lost some hair, fart more, and aren’t the cassanova they were at 20 . Just saying. Menopause might not be the only factor in your sex life


Because my wife had complete hysterectomy. Forced menopause! She takes estradial, bioidentical compounded progesterone and testosterone cream. She is 54, absolutely no issue with lubrication or drive...4-5x week. 

There are too many men and women who refuse to address the hormone issues so they are intentionally trying to force abstinence on their spouse. 

No different than being married to someone with mental/drug/alcohol issues that refuse to get treatment to change their behavior. You either suck it up and tolerate what they are subjecting you to, or say if you are not willing to get help, I'm done.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> HRT could fix it.


Possibly, there isn't a one fix all. 
I have a friend that is post menopausal who has no desire to have sex with her husband again. I have suggested hormonal replacement therapy and another friend has suggested bio-seeds. Both have done wonders for us but she quickly dismissed. She has made a unilateral decision and I doubt very much that her husband is ok with it. Apparently, that is that for him.
Menopause is no joke for all you men out there, it's a real thing. That said there are treatments available for a willing person. No two women are alike and what works for some may not work for another. The effort seems important.

All of this aside, to the OP, if you are unable to have honest communication with your spouse and feel the need to be adulterous as a solution; please find the the paperwork on dissolution of marriage (accessible online and without an attorney) and begin the legal process.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> HRT could fix it.


questionable at best. 

If she has rejected him for 4 years and refuses to have any kind of physical contact or affection with him, that is a relationship and attraction issue and not a hormonal issue. 

HRT may improve her libido and sex drive, but it won't fix the relationship and attraction issues. If her libido improves but the relationship and other issues are not corrected, then her libido would likely be for the guy down street and not the OP.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

harperlee said:


> Possibly, there isn't a one fix all.
> I have a friend that is post menopausal who has no desire to have sex with her husband again. I have suggested hormonal replacement therapy and another friend has suggested bio-seeds. Both have done wonders for us but she quickly dismissed. She has made a unilateral decision and I doubt very much that her husband is ok with it. Apparently, that is that for him.
> Menopause is no joke for all you men out there, it's a real thing. That said there are treatments available for a willing person. No two women are alike and what works for some may not work for another. The effort seems important.
> 
> All of this aside, to the OP, if you are unable to have honest communication with your spouse and feel the need to be adulterous as a solution; please find the the paperwork on dissolution of marriage (accessible online and without an attorney) and begin the legal process.


Exactly, it is up to the person to decide if their spouse is important enough to them to do what has to be done to get the issue fixed. 

It's not, what works for some may not for others.... it's what some are willing to do and others are not. Some drug addicts want to get better, others don't.


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> It's not, what works for some may not for others.... it's what some are willing to do and others are not. Some drug addicts want to get better, others don't.


This part sounds creepy. I don't follow and must have missed something in the last few pages regarding drug addicts and a correlation with menopause/hormone therapy?


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Divinely Favored said:


> Because my wife had complete hysterectomy. Forced menopause! She takes estradial, bioidentical compounded progesterone and testosterone cream. She is 54, absolutely no issue with lubrication or drive...4-5x week.
> 
> There are too many men and women who refuse to address the hormone issues so they are intentionally trying to force abstinence on their spouse.
> 
> No different than being married to someone with mental/drug/alcohol issues that refuse to get treatment to change their behavior. You either suck it up and tolerate what they are subjecting you to, or say if you are not willing to get help, I'm done.


The hormone treatment works for some women, but aren't much good where there is physical atrophy. Been there.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Everyone is talking about menopause and vaginal dryness and libido and those are the least of OP's worries. 

This woman doesn't even want to hold his hand. 

Start there.

She dislikes him so much she wants nothing to do with him even hand holding is too much.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

harperlee said:


> She has made a unilateral decision and I doubt very much that her husband is ok with it. Apparently, that is that for him.


Evidently she enthusiastically welcomed the "change of life" as an *opportunity* to stop having sex with her "husband". And if he isn't "ok" with it he has the options that @oldshirt listed.

In the days before hormones were available, when the baby factory quit, that was it. 100 years ago, people didn't live long enough for it to be much of an issue. Women often died in childbirth or afterward and many didn't live long enough to experience menopause. For those who survived long enough to experience it, their men who could afford it would just take a mistress and/or uses prostitutes. If they were healthy enough and wanted sex, they had sex.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

harperlee said:


> This part sounds creepy. I don't follow and must have missed something in the last few pages regarding drug addicts and a correlation with menopause/hormone therapy?


Simple...if someone loves their spouse they will want to correct issues and will do anything they can...or they are fine with the way things are and are not willing to fix the issue.

Correlation is be it menopause, addiction, mental illness, whatever, if one truly loved their spouse, they would move heaven and earth to fix the problem and would not stop till it is fixed. 

An addict, man or woman in menopause/andropause, alcoholic or mentally ill person who does not care what their issue is doing to their spouse will say this is just how I am any you should accept it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> questionable at best.
> 
> If she has rejected him for 4 years and refuses to have any kind of physical contact or affection with him, that is a relationship and attraction issue and not a hormonal issue.
> 
> HRT may improve her libido and sex drive, but it won't fix the relationship and attraction issues. If her libido improves but the relationship and other issues are not corrected, then her libido would likely be for the guy down street and not the OP.


Right. May not fix their relationship, but it would fix her libido/menopause symptoms.

My POS sister started pellets and an affair on her 17 yr her senior husband.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Don't blame menopause for your wife's unwillingness to hold hands or cuddle or be close.
> 
> That isn't why.


Remember, it's "the menopause" not just plain menopause.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Julie's Husband said:


> The hormone treatment works for some women, but aren't much good where there is physical atrophy. Been there.


Are you saying too late, box is closed, froze up, can't be renovated?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you saying too late, box is closed, froze up, can't be renovated?


Remember he is in his 70s, cancer survivor and wife hasnt been able to accommodate PIV in 25 years. They use the means they are capable of. And are happy. After that long atrophy is likely well advanced. The box has become a solid cube.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Remember he is in his 70s, cancer survivor and wife hasnt been able to accommodate PIV in 25 years. They use the means they are capable of. And are happy. After that long atrophy is likely well advanced. The box has become a solid cube.


It does sound like they've had and have some challenges for sure. OP, hang in there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It does sound like they've had and have some challenges for sure. OP, hang in there.


No OP, do NOT hang in there. Move on with your own life. 

The people being referred to above are working together to accommidate each other's needs within their abilities and doing what they can to accommidate the other in effort to maintain love and connection. 

That is fundamentally different than someone who is intentionally disregarding the other's needs and is overtly rejecting and denying them despite their ability to do so. 

So do NOT hang in there and hope things magically get better..... because they won't get better without her putting in honest and sincere effort to at least try to meet your needs. 

Move on. 

what moving on means to you and how you do it is up to you. But don't waste your life waiting and hoping. Take action.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> No OP, do NOT hang in there. Move on with your own life.
> 
> The people being referred to above are working together to accommidate each other's needs within their abilities and doing what they can to accommidate the other in effort to maintain love and connection.
> 
> ...


At 70, with this just one component on the M, OP consider the full picture and choose wisely.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Remember, it's "the menopause" not just plain menopause.


Not just the OP, but I have seen many people call it "the" menopause and I always wonder why 

Do the same people also call it the puberty, I wonder?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Not just the OP, but I have seen many people call it "the" menopause and I always wonder why
> 
> Do the same people also call it the puberty, I wonder?


You know, I have never heard it said that way unless it was an intentional satirical approach. 
One learns every day! 🙂🙂


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

To clarify, I was talking about @Julie's Husband wife, not OPs.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> At 70, with this just one component on the M, OP consider the full picture and choose wisely.


The OP is 54. 

He can still have many years of life left.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> The OP is 54.
> 
> He can still have many years of life left.


Durn, who said he was 70? I may have mixed threas info. 54 is indeed different approach


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you saying too late, box is closed, froze up, can't be renovated?


You'll have to ask the doctors. Some disability is not fixed with HRT. We tried fixes, but now live with it and continue being sexual in non PIV ways.

By the way, I don't know how it works with women, but when I found out I was going to be castrate and put into male menopause as treatment for cancer two years ago, I just determined to continue having sex despite having NO libido. Despite dealing with a stroke and not being able to have intercourse, my wife kept me on a "sex every day" regimen.

I didn't need HRT to be sexually active. It was all about attitude. My wife and I had fun learning about arousal and maintaining an erection with no testosterone to drive it. I and other gents found that we needed foreplay and could continue for quite a while; the supposed women's dream lover.

Why Castrati Made Better Lovers


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Durn, who said he was 70? I may have mixed threas info. 54 is indeed different approach


@Julie's Husband is over 70. I was talking about his situation. Not OP. So apologies for introducing confusion


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Divinely Favored said:


> Simple...if someone loves their spouse they will want to correct issues and will do anything they can...or they are fine with the way things are and are not willing to fix the issue.
> 
> Correlation is be it menopause, addiction, mental illness, whatever, if one truly loved their spouse, they would move heaven and earth to fix the problem and would not stop till it is fixed.
> 
> An addict, man or woman in menopause/andropause, alcoholic or mentally ill person who does not care what their issue is doing to their spouse will say this is just how I am any you should accept it.


I think that this post is important, for the sake of other posters. If a person does not understand what I mean by this then God speed. 
People should be aware from whom they are soliciting relationship advice.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

snowbum said:


> You can’t bang someone else while in love with your spouse. That’s a lie.


Yes and no. 
Objectively, yes I agree with the first sentence.

That said, I doubt very much that he is actually in love with his wife. Big difference between loving someone and being in love with them.

You can’t be in love with a woman who won’t **** you and shows you no affection. 
I suspect he loves his wife, and WANTS to be in love with her, as he clearly wants an affectionate passionate marriage - which she is denying him.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> Many of the posters here believe that there should never be ANY kind of romantic/sexual or physical contact outside of marriage whatsoever.
> 
> My belief is that marriage is what the couple makes it.
> 
> ...


I agree with this 100%, with the caveat that if you go outside your marriage, be above board about it. 
Be bold, confident and unapologetic about getting your needs met. Don’t sneak around hiding and lying about it.
Let your wife know what your expectations of marriage are. And let her know that if she is unwilling or unable to fulfill that, then you will either leave or get your needs met elsewhere.

As your wife, she gets priority and first right of refusal over your libido, not sole custody of it. If she refuses to participate in a sexual marriage, then you do what you need to do. Just be upfront about it. 
i’d avoid the sex workers though.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I’ve heard people say - also in this board - that after 30 years of marriage pursuing a sex relationship is foolish. You should be understanding and happy regardless… you shouldn’t throw away a marriage after all this time because it’s become sexless.


Well, anyone saying that is giving pretty stupid advice. Fortunately, I don’t think that’s a very common position here.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Well, anyone saying that is giving pretty stupid advice. Fortunately, I don’t think that’s a very common position here.


We've been together almost 40 years. Except for a sexual drought caused by my cancer, sex has been good. Now that I am healing, I am as horny as I was at 20. If we had the opportunity, I would want her 2 or 3 times a day. But I am OK with 2 or 3 times a week. I have cialus that helped. I had some ED and low T, but as I been working out and losing weight, the sexual part of me has woke up. 

My wife is 56 and is very receptive and desire when I jump her bones.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

BootsAndJeans said:


> We've been together almost 40 years. Except for a sexual drought caused by my cancer, sex has been good. Now that I am healing, I am as horny as I was at 20. If we had the opportunity, I would want her 2 or 3 times a day. But I am OK with 2 or 3 times a week. I have cialus that helped. I had some ED and low T, but as I been working out and losing weight, the sexual part of me has woke up.
> 
> My wife is 56 and is very receptive and desire when I jump her bones.


Hell yes! My wife is ready and willing even when she is passing a kidney stone or has a headache.


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## 358848 (20 d ago)

Curriousman said:


> How do I handle this. My wife is 6 yrs older than me 60. Since our boy was born nearly 20 yrs ago our sex life started to slow. Then the menopause and now it’s been nearly 4yrs of no sex or even any closeness at all.
> I am a person who really loves cuddles holding hands etc. I have tried everything before anybody suggests talks weekends away etc. Also we work together.
> Should I look for a friend with benefits or pay for sexual company etc. I really love and adore my wife but but but ?


Have you tried a sex therapist?


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