# Wifey gives ok to go to brothel/hooker



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

as discussed on other topics my wife and i (28). do not have sex anymore as she doesnt want it or doesnt want to or doesnt feel like it or has no sex drive. 3 years maybe 5 or 6 times.

she has now come to me and said she is okay with me seeing a hooker or go to brothel.

That just does not turn me on or is not what im after, my reply was i dont think i will as it does not turn me on to pay for sex even that ii know plenty of men who do.



should i be really angry that she has suggested this or happy she thinks she is trying to help me out - intially i think its rude and lazy.

Im meeting her counsullor next week for the first time, she has been about 6 times. things sure to come up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Two people living together with no intimacy are not married, they're room mates. At 28, why would you consider settling for that for the next 40 years?

With my wife and I, it wasn't a lack of sex that damaged things so badly, it was a lack of intimacy. There's a reason why "no strings attached" relationships don't work long term... It's natural for us to develop connections to the people we're intimate with. That (to me) is one of the reasons for having that kind of relationship.

Ask yourself this... What are you getting out of the marriage that you wouldn't get from a friend as a room mate. Or even worse, because it will likely come to this, a room mate that you have nothing in common with. Is it the kind of relationship you would encourage your kids to be in?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Her suggestion would piss me off. She's basically saying you're some kind of animal and don't need emotional support or intimacy. She believes you can poke whomever and you'll be happy. If your wife doesn't give and receive intimacy and emotional support, what's the point of having her?


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

Pbear - no obviouly i wont sellte for this for 40 years, 3 years with sex only 5 or 6 times is ridiculous in itself and i have really tried to understand why the sex/intamacy has dried up.

Obvioulsy i left it to long but only in the last month or two ive gotten to a point where im not talking her knockbacks nicely.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, I think I'd be insulted and angered by her suggestion. How can someone claim to "love" you, yet refuse to attempt to meet such a basic need in the relationship? As you said, it's also the lazy way out for her.

I guess if I was in your shoes, I'd attend the sessions with the therapist, and see if anything earth-shattering came out of that. If nothing does and she shows no desire to work on resolving the issue, I'd start working towards as much of an amicable separation as possible. Not necessarily for her sake, but for your own as well. Nobody wins when things get nasty except the lawyers.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

brendan said:


> Pbear - no obviouly i wont sellte for this for 40 years, 3 years with sex only 5 or 6 times is ridiculous in itself and i have really tried to understand why the sex/intamacy has dried up.
> 
> Obvioulsy i left it to long but only in the last month or two ive gotten to a point where im not talking her knockbacks nicely.


It isn't ridiculous. It's cruel and abusive.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

unless you live in Nevada your wife is asking you to commit illegal acts, support sex slavery, enable battered and drug abused women and seriously risk your health.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why should you settle for a loveless sexual encounter. If other women are fair game, find a real relationship and kick your zombie to the curb.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Brendan ~

Well, it would pretty much make me feel sick if I were in your shoes (makes me feel sick and I'm not in your shoes.)

Why are you staying in the relationship? Do you have children?

God Bless.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't need to hire a hooker, you need to upgrade to s wife who is willing to be involved in the marriage as a wife. Right now you've got s roommate who takes your money, tells you what time you need to home, and o go pay a hooker if you need sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

She has obviously checked out of the marriage. 

Have you suggested to her to get checked out by her doc to see if anything medically is going on with her? 

Her telling you its ok to see a hooker, is a cop out for her not wanting to try and get to the root of the problem with her issue on not wanting sex etc. 

Is it possible she is telling you to get a hooker because there is some guilt there on her part? Has she done anything she feels guilty about that you know of, and her telling you to do this makes her not feel so bad?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

brendan said:


> should i be really angry that she has suggested this or happy she thinks she is trying to help me out - intially i think its rude and lazy.
> 
> Im meeting her counsullor next week for the first time, she has been about 6 times. things sure to come up.


I`d divorce her just for making the suggestion.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

brendan have you explored all the possible causes why your wife no longer wants sexual intimacy with you? It would be easy to say to you to divorce her but if you at least make a good faith effort to find out why she no longer wants to have sex with you, then you can divorce her without any regrets. 

You may love your wife very much but you did not marry her in order for your marriage to turn into a brother-sister relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

tacoma said:


> I`d divorce her just for making the suggestion.


i too would start the process. i would insist that we need to seperate and i would move out, then start divorce proceedings. her view that you just need release and not more is very sad


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Perhaps it is just me but I would view this as a huge red flag and a trap. :scratchhead:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I hate to say this, BUT, the first thing that came to my mind when you said she doesn't want to have sex, and then tells you its ok if you see a hooker, was she has been messing around herself and felt guilty, so she has given you the ok to ease her mind. 

I'm not saying for sure this is what has happened, I sure hope not. Is it possible you haven't met her needs? Has she told you and you ignored it? is she depressed? Any medical problems that you know of? Suggest her getting checked out by her gyno to make sure things are ok. If she refuses or blows that off, then I would pay close attention to that. If my sex drive was down and I wasn't sure why, I would want to know and try to see if I could find out by going to the doc first etc. 

Then again, maybe she knows why.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I hate to say this, BUT, the first thing that came to my mind when you said she doesn't want to have sex, and then tells you its ok if you see a hooker, was she has been messing around herself and felt guilty, so she has given you the ok to ease her mind.
> 
> I'm not saying for sure this is what has happened, I sure hope not. Is it possible you haven't met her needs? Has she told you and you ignored it? is she depressed? Any medical problems that you know of? Suggest her getting checked out by her gyno to make sure things are ok. If she refuses or blows that off, then I would pay close attention to that. If my sex drive was down and I wasn't sure why, I would want to know and try to see if I could find out by going to the doc first etc.
> 
> Then again, maybe she knows why.


I wouldn't worry about where she's been. With this suggestion out in the open, she has flat out made herself an unacceptable person to stay married to. A woman like that is unworthy of your love. And will very likely stay that way. Think about it for a moment, when a wife makes an overt suggestion like that, she's telling you that she has really checked out of the sexual part of the marriage. Kick her to the curb, amicably of course, but get it done.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Oh I'm not worried about it.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

yes she has been diagnosed with depression a few months ago. this has been going on 3 years. Apart from no sex/intamacy yes we do get a long like good room mates.

Instead of leaving im trying to get to the bottom of it. She has been to counsillor about 6 times and we are going together next week.

im trying my best. not that it matters, im a fit 28 year old with good body and good person. its not like im a fat slob.

thanks


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

brendan said:


> as discussed on other topics my wife and i (28). do not have sex anymore as she doesnt want it or doesnt want to or doesnt feel like it or has no sex drive. 3 years maybe 5 or 6 times.
> 
> she has now come to me and said she is okay with me seeing a hooker or go to brothel.
> 
> ...


I agree, it is rude and lazy. I also think it is degrading and disrespectful.

Sorry I am one of those that believe that a healthy sex life is essential for a marriage. It is not 10% as some say. If there is no sex then get a room mate for company and date women.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> unless you live in Nevada your wife is asking you to commit illegal acts, support sex slavery, enable battered and drug abused women and seriously risk your health.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You don't need to hire a hooker, you need to upgrade to s wife who is willing to be involved in the marriage as a wife. Right now you've got s roommate who takes your money, tells you what time you need to home, and o go pay a hooker if you need sex.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> If there is no sex then get a room mate for company and date women.


That's kind of the plan, isn't it?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't want to be more cynical than usual but where's the downside? The wife is at the level of commitment in her marriage she wants and she's giving permission, as is the right of all supreme beings, for her husband to seek sexual comfort elsewhere. If that's where they want to take it, what's the harm? They clearly don't have much passion between them.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

She was diagnosed with depression, so maybe she feels some guilt.Its likely she feels bad about not being able to provide for you what you want/need. I'm not saying what she told you to do was right by no means, BUT there is usually a deeper reason behind why someone says something. I'm not sure how bad off her depression is but it can wreak havoc on ones life. Is she on meds for it? 

What was your reaction when she told you, you could do this?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Brenden

You already know what you have to do. I would not even bother going to counseling with her.

There is so much more that the physical part of sex. Going to a visit and pay for a prostitute is not your answer. 

I would start with divorce. At this point you have something to talk about. Your wife is either gay or is suffering some kind of mental illness it is that simple. If she is ill then maybe you have a chance to make this marriage work. 

I am not a Dr. and have no experience with mental illness. I am just using common sense. I do not even know if there are drugs to help your wife in this situation.

Best of luck


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Runs,

The downside is that if he accepts this bandaid suggestion, it relieves her entirely of any obligation to ever square away. It also cheats him out of the opportunity of having a real relationship with a real human being.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I had two affairs at the end of my marriage. Not proud of it, take ownership that it was my decision. But they clearly showed me that it wasn't just sex that was missing, it was the intimacy that comes with it. Otherwise you might as well grab your mouse and a handful of Vaseline to solve the problem.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Runs,
> 
> The downside is that if he accepts this bandaid suggestion, it relieves her entirely of any obligation to ever square away. It also cheats him out of the opportunity of having a real relationship with a real human being.


Maybe having a real relationship isn't a priority.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Get the permission in writing, notarized and stored in a secure place.

Ask for cash.

Go travel to the East. I heard in Thailand, Philippines and other places you can get quite a bang for your buck -- not that I know anything about that.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> unless you live in Nevada your wife is asking you to commit illegal acts, support sex slavery, enable battered and drug abused women and seriously risk your health.


The only part of this that changes in some counties in Nevada is the "legality" part.

Disgusting.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

i did mention she is on mild depression and was diagnosed a few months back. But this has been going on for three years.

We dont fight very often and generally get a long but when it comes to intamacy or sex its a complete shutdown and im over it.

I agree she probably does feel a bit guilty now and that is why she suggested it. My answer was NO, i dont pay for intamacy and it wouldnt turn me on.

Weeks later after she said NO when i tried to kiss her, i jacked up and said i worried i might have to look elsewhere for physical attention. We are seeing a counsillor next week


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## lovestoomuch (Oct 11, 2011)

If you really love her stick it out and see if you can get to the bottom of it. Only you know if you can't live without her. There could be something you dont know about like maybe she could have been sexually abused as a child an needs professional help, hormone issues, etc. In time if it's nothing other than her just not really loving you then you have to decide for yourself if anf when it's time to leave. Don;t just go rush and file because other people say she doesnt love you. Get her professional help before you decide that.


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## lovestoomuch (Oct 11, 2011)

Thought I should also add have you ever asked her what she likes in bed? I have known some guys that think they are good in bed and they are not. If she really isnt enjoying it that could be another reason. May be hard on a man's ego and hard for her to open up but sometimes it's lack of communication and woman being afraid to tell the man he stinks in bed. Just an idea.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Certain depression meds can be a libido killer too. Not sure if she is on any meds since you said she had depression, but that might be something she needs to discuss with her doctor, if she is on any. 

Sounds like your marriage is pretty good in other areas except that. I'm not sure I would throw in the towel just yet. I know what she said was mean, rude, thoughtless etc, but like I said most people don;'t say those kind of things unless a deeper issue is going on. It could very well be the depression/meds. Just look further into it, and its good you all are going to see a counselor.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She was diagnosed with depression "a few months ago" but her withholding has been going on for years. I assume she has been able to take care of everything else she's wanted to for the past three years. What she said isn't any more callous or cruel than the way she's been treating him for the past 3 years. 
If he were assaulting her with a baseball bat daily, nobody here would recommend that she figure out what she was doing wrong to provoke him and they wouldn't try to investigate the psychology behind his assaults. His behavior would be wrong. Her withholding is just as unacceptable.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Wow, she may have had depression for years and didn't realize it. My mother in law has depression and had it for years and years, bad thing is she takes herself off her meds once she feels better. and its not been kind to her and effects lots of areas in her life. 

Its your life, so you do what you feel you need to do. Hope whatever you decide it works out for you.


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## Apples to Oranges (Oct 11, 2011)

WOW... I think we are all in agreement here, and you are too otherwise you would have already done it.

Obviously we are all looking for love & nurturing from a partner that we want to love & nurture...some bimbo from a brothel is not going to give you that, but again you already know all this.

I can't speak to the rest of your relationship and other aspects of emotion or other acts of caring or love and affection between the two of you. There must be something there or again you would have acted one way or the other - either in or out - and I am not talking about with some hooker.

I really hope there is something wrong with her that therapy or an MD can help with then _maybe_, although definitely misguided in her approach, in her mind she was trying to do something right or thought this was an acceptable solution. Either way it is cruel. I just hope that it wasn't intentional. Even if it wasn't intended to be cruel, she does need counseling. IMOP you are doing the right thing by giving this a shot if you truly love her - again I don't know the rest of your story though.

Best of luck and you will figure out the right thing to do, you are already on that path wherever it leads.

Good Luck


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks for replies - it does actually help letting a bit out on here rather than worrying family/friends.

We actually went to counsilling today as a vacancy opened up and we both had no work on.

50mins and non much was talked about sex and i didnt really want to bring it up just yet as i would be seen to be only worrying about that issue, found it beneficial and a few things come up. We are going bak next week.

-thinks i tell her what to do a lot. (well i do at times)
-worries when she spends money and thinks she needs permission (i dont think i worry that much about money but i do expect her to tell me if a lazy 200 dollars has disappeared etc)
-thinks her daughter loves me more, ( a bit of a shock)
-i criticise her when she does certain things ( well yeah only if i see them as radical such as going out with girls on one days notice and telling me i have dear daughter all night etc)
-she doesnt want to move house( although shes the one that hints all the time that she wants too, so i said we will look around)

so yeah no real sex issue was bought up, just thatshe doesnt know why she isnt as loving as she used to be. but that convo will continue next week.

walk away feeling a tad better.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

brendan, Its good you both were able to go to counseling, and are planning on going back next week. 

After reading some of the things you listed she had said bothered her, I couldn't help but wonder if maybe there is some resentment there on her part. 

Resentment is a big sex killer, especially for women. Hopefully you both can continue to work on this in counseling and find a solution to some of this.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Ahem. With all due respect.......

You have a great big problem in your "marriage." I put "marriage" in quotes because a normal marriage, which you indicate you started out in, includes secks, which you aren't having. 

Depression is a serious, potentially crippling affliction that can impact not only the sufferer, but those around them, such as spouses like yourself.

Meanwhile, by "beneficial," above, I hope you mean "OMG! What total bull****!"

"He bosses me around some! I... I.... I can't have secks with HIM!" <bursts into tears, runs from the room>

"He is a good father to my daughter, she must like him better. I feel so..... whatever. But I just can't bring myself to... to... to love him that way!" <weeps bitterly into pillow>

"Woe is me! He is so critical! How can he have a problem with me going out drinking and dancing with my girlfriends when I gave him 2 hours' notice? What a brute! No way can I relate to such a caveman." <tosses hair angrily, thinks about cute guys at bar to flirt with. Sensitive, caring cute guys, of course>

If she is able to go out and have fun on a girl's night out, I question the severity of her depression.

Your reason for posting this thread is that your WIFE thinks you should have secks with OTHER WOMEN. I think MC is great- if you actually discuss the real problems, it might even improve your marriage, assuming that there is some impetus for your wife to change and acknowledge your needs. No such impetus exists right now.

Perhaps you might consider individual counseling. Focus on self esteem, development thereof, and the differences between a doormat and a confident husband aware of his own needs and asserting his will in the relationship to get those needs met. 

Then you might walk away actually really feeling better, not putting a smiley face on a huge bruise.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

SECKS? :scratchhead: :rofl:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jamison said:


> SECKS? :scratchhead: :rofl:


common message board slang- my favorite is bewbs


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> common message board slang- my favorite is bewbs


:lol:


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

yes looks as though its resentment-most things i say she thinks im talking down to her etc.

doctor told her to limit coca cola to one can a day, not 3 like she was having as its not good for depression.

so if she does have a few in a day, i tell her "Sweetie try a coke zero or orange juice"

she talkes it as im having a go at her, when im not. like a friend of mine said months ago.....just leave it to the professionals because whatever you do to try and help it wont work and wife wont listen"

he had same prob with his wifr 6 or 7 years ago....he could be right.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

I have been lurking around for a while and finally got around to register. I apologize for jumping right in.

I am shocked, to say the least, by some of the responses that I have read here and the advice to “just” get a divorce. 
I completely agree that a sexless marriage is not acceptable, but I feel that many here fail to consider anything else that may be going. The OPs has been diagnosed with depression. And while she might have been diagnosed only a few months ago, she could have been depressed for much longer (which it sounds she has). By definition depressed individuals are often incapable of taking initiative and are maybe able to get just about the most necessary things done. We don’t know how it was in the case of the OPs wife but it doesn’t sound (again, we don’t know) as if the OP has taken much initiative in the past helping his wife dealing with her depression, but seems rather concerned about the frequency of his sex life. 


> If she is able to go out and have fun on a girl's night out, I question the severity of her depression.


I don’t think it’s up to anybody to determine what helps her not sink into her depressive thought for a few hours. For some it may be sex, for others it may be going out for a drink.

I do wonder, though: Every time that your wife “allows” you to touch her, do you start thinking about/hoping this potentially leading to sex? Women have a very fine sensor for this and although I really understand your disappointment, if I knew that every time I get touched, it is expected to lead to sex it’s supposed to be leading sex, I’d avoid any physical contact. Pair that with depression and the already low desire for sex and there’s no way in hell you’ll ever get lucky. And no matter how hard you try and no matter how much you think you “deserve” to have sex (which I’m not saying you don’t), this won’t get you very far and if anything, will just drive you apart. I don’t know your wife nor your circumstances, but this is what I can tell you from my experience because I was in the exact same boat. I was severely depressed (which didn’t get diagnosed until several years into the depression by the way) and yet still able to live a normal life-including a fairly normal “social” life, but yet I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with my partner. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I literally prayed every day that I could just get aroused/excited and make him happy but I simply couldn’t even though I loved him and was attracted to him. My body just wouldn’t do it. I forced myself many times, and ended up resenting him, even though from an objective standpoint I am very well aware he didn’t have to be ashamed of wanting to sleep with me. He loved me and thought I was sexy. End of story. I ended up not allowing him to touch me because I was afraid he would expect more, even when with very non-sexual touches.
I also suggested to him to go to a hooker. I hated the idea but I also felt extreme relief because there was a way to get what he wanted so badly without me having to resent him every time I slept with him. He said he felt exactly like this


> I agree, it is rude and lazy. I also think it is degrading and disrespectful.


Again, I can only speak for myself. I never meant to be rude and I certainly wasn’t lazy. I felt I did a lot of other things but the lack of sexual intimacy became to sole focus of my partner so he couldn’t see how I tried to show him my love otherwise. Is it degrading and disrespectful? To be honest, I don’t know. I can see why somebody would be feel that way.


> Thought I should also add have you ever asked her what she likes in bed?


This is a very good point. As in what she really likes. In addition to having experienced depression the consequent loss of my libido I felt increasingly unheard by my partner. I could literally tell him what I like while having sex, he’d do it for 10 seconds and then go back to his old ways. We also had really long talks about it outside of the bedroom so there really weren’t any misunderstandings. I truly do believe that he didn’t do it on purpose. It always was his priority to please me but for some reason he lacked the capability of transforming into something that made me feel pleased. So, over the years, I “gave up” a little bit. I agree that this is NOT the right way to handle this but it became frustrating to constantly repeat myself for so many years and yet he seemed incapable. So, my advice is that once you have worked on some other issues that you discuss this in a neutral and informative manner.


> 50mins and not much was talked about sex and i didn’t really want to bring it up just yet as i would be seen to be only worrying about that issue, found it beneficial and a few things come up. We are going back next week.


Any good therapist will not bring up sex for a while or make it a priority to work on at the beginning of counseling unless both you express explicit interest (in which case you’re probably better off with a sex therapist). Talking about it at this stage in therapy and making more sex a goal from the very beginning will be 100% counterproductive. There is actually research about this. I know you’re getting short end of the stick here and there will be many outcries about the injustice about this. But you have to think about what your end goal is: Intimacy and sex with your wife or just sex? If it’s the latter, a hooker sounds like a good option to me. If you want sex and intimacy but you want it right now, you’ll have to divorce her. Those are the facts. And quite frankly if she says she still loves and wants things to getter without her having to promise more sex (at least at this point in time), then it’s worth giving at least a try.


> I think MC is great- if you actually discuss the real problems, it might even improve your marriage, assuming that there is some impetus for your wife to change and acknowledge your needs. No such impetus exists right now.


From what I know the lack of sex is a symptom of the real problem. So, if his wife has asked him to come to counseling, I do see her willingness to work on the problems in their relationships (maybe at this time not necessarily the lack of sex), but any good therapist will be able to see through the attempts to of one partner to blame the other person for everything that’s going wrong. And lets be honest, the whole focus of this thread has been on the lack of sex but not on what the OP may be doing to contribute to his wife’s reaction or what her needs may be. so I’d be careful making accusations about somebody unwilling to change when there is such limited information.
I know there are many who will disagree with me. However, I also truly believe that the OP has a right to his happiness (that includes sex and intimacy). So, he needs to decide for himself and if he feels he cannot longer live like this, then by all means, divorce her.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lastradus, Thanks for the very informative post. Did you suffer from depression and low libido before you got married? Also, did your husband ever reach the point where he was able to have what he'd describe as a satisfying sexual life with you? If so, how long did he have to endure?


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Lastradus, Thanks for the very informative post. Did you suffer from depression and low libido before you got married? Also, did your husband ever reach the point where he was able to have what he'd describe as a satisfying sexual life with you? If so, how long did he have to endure?


I suffered from depression from before the start of our relationship. The only time my libido was high was during the honeymoon phase when we first started dating. After about ~ 8months it started going way down. We never did not have sex for more than ~ 3 weeks but that was often times because I felt so incredibly guilty and -I admit it - to get him off my back. By the time we moved in together about 5 years into the relationship, we still had sex but it wasn't close to the frequency he wanted. It was still more frequent than what the OP is experiencing (average twice per month) but it wasn't most of the time because I wanted to. Don't get me wrong. He would have never (!) forced me but there was just a lot guilt involved and every time I slept with him, he'd be nice to me for a while until he felt the desire again and things became more tense.

In terms of frequency he never got what he wanted. Long story short is that he cheated on me. After him telling me about it (which he did and he was devastated by his act) he said that this had made him realize how unhappy he is and that he no longer wants to continue like this. He was, however, not only referring to the low frequency of sex but other issues in our relationship as well, however, as I said, the lack of sex is a symptom of other things that are going on. Anyways, after having said that, we weren't able to actively work on things right away because he was across country to help out with his sick parents. In the months he was there, he began an emotional affair with said woman which continued when he returned back home to which he lied to me about for months. Yet, I kept finding out about gifts he had sent her and very intimate conversations, etc, all of which he kept denying despite me having evidence. When I confronted him with this evidence, I was "overreacting" and he was just being nice to her because she was so sad. _I have been sad/depressed for many years and all you complain about is the frequency of sex??!? _
Now, some may say that I deserve that. Maybe I did - I really don't know. I think I could have handled things a lot better had he just told me that he needs to take care of his emotional needs because I am unable to meet them and ask for a separation. But instead he decided to deceive me for months, lie about his emotional attachment to that person and then call me crazy when I knew (as in having evidence ) something were going on. I decided that I no longer trusted him. It made me question our entire relationship. We separated over a year ago. I am nowhere near being over this.

Going back to the OP's problem: I am not insinuating that anything remotely like this is going on in their relationship BUT there are always two sides to a story. Again, lack of sex is just a symptom of the problem but it's easier to recognize than some underlying issues that may be going on and it's easier to get stuck on the sex than something that's not as easily recognizable. Both parties deserve to have needs met. But by getting her to have more sex with him, you'd just be putting on a bandaid and not fix the real problem. I remember that I felt so alone and sad all the time whereas my partner focused on the lack of "intimacy". So,it seems as if we were yearning for the same thing. But we simply had different definitions/priorities in terms of intimacy. For me, it was much more emotional, and often times I felt he rejected me as a person which I don't think he did it on purpose. But if I told him how little I like myself, he would just try to "convince" me that I really have no reason to feel that way.Duuh! It's not what may be objectively true but how I felt about myself (it's the very definition of depression). And although he really wanted to help me, it drove me further away from him because he just couldn't accept my feelings the way they. From a logical standpoint I had no reason to be sad: I was really good at what I was doing school wise and jobwise, had nice friends, etc., AKA I, by definition, cannot be sad/depressed - it just was't logical. Over the years it drove me further and further away from him because I felt unheard and misunderstood, and as a consequence made me feel less connected to him. To me, THAT is intimacy. But my needs weren't met at that level.

Anyways, I just recommend taking a close look at everything that is going on in the relationship and not make the lack of sex the primary problem that needs to be fixed.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Brendan, in your original post, you state that your wife has had secks with you 5-6 times in the last 3 years, and that she has now encouraged you to visit a brothel / hooker to satisfy your needs.

Lastradas, with all due respect, Brendan is the one who finds the situation sufficiently frustrating to come on here and post. If his wife were to come on and do a post about the problem from her side of the situation, and it interested me enough to reply, I would attempt to give her the best advice I could. 

I acknowledged that depression is serious in the beginning of the other post I made. And I didn't at any point suggest divorce. I just took what Brendan said and presented it from a different angle. 

"I do wonder, though: Every time that your wife "allows" you to touch her, do you start thinking about/hoping this potentially leading to sex?"

WELL, YEAH! He probably does. Young man, had sex with his wife 6 times in 3 years? And, yes, his wife probably does have a "very fine sensor for this." And she is using it as a weapon. 

Brendan, please read Lastradas' posts very carefully, because I think they are very informative of your situation.

"I felt I did a lot of other things but the lack of sexual intimacy became to sole focus of my partner so he couldn’t see how I tried to show him my love otherwise."

Yes, Brendan, there are women out there who can arrive at the mental position that because they do so many nice things for their man that they shouldn't have to have intimate relations with him, and resent him for not seeing their shining awesomeness and wanting to have sex with them.

Clearly there are some big problems in your relationship. Your wife is depressed to some degree, seems to have some major anger and resentment towards you, and has cut you off sexually for her own reasons. Being a husband, there are some things you do wrong. You haven't made any reference (even accidentally) to any major personal failings that would merit such extreme rejection from your wife. 

In a healthy relationship, both people try to meet each others needs. By going to MC, it sounds like you are trying to meet some needs of your wife's. What's she doing to meet your needs? I urge you to take some time and figure out what is necessary to you in the relationship, versus what would be nice to have.

(Personally, I think "having intimate relations with my spouse at least once a week" is a perfectly reasonable and necessary condition to maintain a healthy marriage. Actual frequency of other couples may vary.)

Once you decide what those necessary things and nice-to-have things are, there is no reason in the world not to let your spouse know what they are. The problem of course becomes that if the spouse doesn't care to meet those needs, and there are no consequences of not meeting them, well, Brendan ends up getting sex 6 times in 3 years.

So you're in a tough spot. I think you can work through it, if you want to. But you have to keep your eye on the ball. She's depressed? Well, that's bad. Get as complete a handle on it as you (and her) can, and figure out concrete steps to minimize the effects of her depression on the both of you. She resents you? Figure out how to reduce the anger, and handle it constructively. Hopefully, doing these two things will get you laid more, which is what YOU want.

The trouble will rear its ugly head if you realize that you are doing your part, and still not getting laid (if that is what happens). And that's why I say keep your eye on the ball. If you can solve your problems by solving her problems, great. But if solving her problems is not solving your problems, you need to be aware of that lack-of-progress, because it will get worse if it doesn't get better.

Whew. Call me Ishmael......


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The primary thing I gleaned from Lastradus' post is that her husband was in a no-win situation from start to finish. Had he bailed at the first sign of a sexual problem (before marriage), they both could have spared themselves a great deal of heartache. No hard feelings, but if someone isn't physically able to ride a horse, you don't hire them as a jockey and they shouldn't apply for the job. Similarly, if someone is emotionally, psychologically, or financially unable to be a spouse, they shouldn't set themselves up to be one. On their wedding day, the only person who knew what was going through her mind was her. 
I don't believe I'd mind the lack of sex (basically absence of sex) quite as much if my wife actually did demonstrate love and caring in other ways. I buy groceries, I cook, I do most of the cleaning, I'm the only one working, I feed the dogs, if we kiss, I initiated it. I only hear "I love you" if I've said it first. If she's doing something to make me feel valued, she's keeping it a closely held secret. She has psych issues, too, but her focus is 100% upon herself and her own problems and that has been the case for years. She's seen dozens of doctors, but the only message I get is to not complain and drive on. I'm absolutely the last priority.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> Brendan is the one who finds the situation sufficiently frustrating to come on here and post. If his wife were to come on and do a post about the problem from her side of the situation, and it interested me enough to reply, I would attempt to give her the best advice I could.


I do see your point. But if you solely look at one person’s side it’s really hard to give advice that helps them succeed as a couple, which I think the OPs long term goal is. 



> > "I do wonder, though: Every time that your wife "allows" you to touch her, do you start thinking about/hoping this potentially leading to sex?"
> 
> 
> WELL, YEAH! He probably does. Young man, had sex with his wife 6 times in 3 years? And, yes, his wife probably does have a "very fine sensor for this." And she is using it as a weapon.


Is she? Or is that something that you are just inferring? I tried to give background to my situation so that it would be understandable how I felt and I think his wife may feel. I didn’t use it as a weapon. Really, not sleeping with him as often as he wanted didn’t do me any good, whatsoever.



> Yes, Brendan, there are women out there who can arrive at the mental position that because they do so many nice things for their man that they shouldn't have to have intimate relations with him, and resent him for not seeing their shining awesomeness and wanting to have sex with them.


I feel you purposely misinterpreted. First, anything with “having to have” sex with another person is personally repelling to me. And no, doing “nice things” doesn’t make up for sexual intimacy. A good, healthy relationship is characterized by sexual intimacy that is desired by both parties and meets their needs. But having sex just for the sake of having it doesn’t make a good relationship. Ergo, a good relationship has more aspects to it than just sex. I can only speak for myself but when those other things in the relationship started to go down the drain, it led to me being even more depressed (and I’m sure my depression initially exacerbated some of the smaller problems) and hence not being interested in sex. Having sex just because I “should want to” is really not a good place to start solving this problem. I didn’t resent him for not seeing my shining awesomeness, I resented him for making me feel like I was heartless because I didn’t sleep with him.
I’m sure there are people out there who use sex as a weapon to get what they want. I didn’t and based on what the OP’s is saying about his wife, I feel that it may be similar for her. That’s it.


> In a healthy relationship, both people try to meet each others needs. By going to MC, it sounds like you are trying to meet some needs of your wife's. What's she doing to meet your needs? I urge you to take some time and figure out what is necessary to you in the relationship, versus what would be nice to have.





> The trouble will rear its ugly head if you realize that you are doing your part, and still not getting laid (if that is what happens). And that's why I say keep your eye on the ball. If you can solve your problems by solving her problems, great. But if solving her problems is not solving your problems, you need to be aware of that lack-of-progress, because it will get worse if it doesn't get better.


I do agree with that. Despite her being depressed, it should still be her desire to meet your needs even if she currently can’t from an emotionally standpoint. But it will take time. Do not pressure or rush things. This is not something that is completely solved in a month or even 3 or 6 months. Again, I am only speaking for myself and how I felt about things. It is something the does need to be addressed, though, to ensure a long-lasting relationship for the two of you.
I also believe that if you do everything you can but nothing changes, you have the moral right to walk away from this relationship. Your needs are just as important as hers, but using steamroller tactics will not get you far.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

NotLikeYou said:


> Brendan, in your original post, you state that your wife has had secks with you 5-6 times in the last 3 years, and that she has now encouraged you to visit a brothel / hooker to satisfy your needs.
> 
> Lastradas, with all due respect, Brendan is the one who finds the situation sufficiently frustrating to come on here and post. If his wife were to come on and do a post about the problem from her side of the situation, and it interested me enough to reply, I would attempt to give her the best advice I could.
> 
> ...


 "Ishmael"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lastradas,

very interesting posts thanks for sharing.

but it seems like all the understanding has to come from his side.


and could you see that resentment has built up because most men would feel like they have been given a false bill of sale thinking they were marring someone who desired them and then finding out that they really never did and then told well its because i'm depressed or some other reason.
Or I just didn't figure this out until after we married.

so understanding on both sises is needed. what is a husband to do in this situation.

did you masterbate at all during this time when sex was unimportant to you? I'll bet he did and I'll bet everytime is made him a little more resentfull


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The primary thing I gleaned from Lastradus' post is that her husband was in a no-win situation from start to finish.


I do agree that he got himself into quite some situation. My depression never was his fault. But there are people who do believe in commitment and not to run at the first sight of problems. Am I responsible for 50% of the problems? Absolutely – despite being depressed I am still an adult and need to take others into consideration. Could his life been easier just leaving me when things didn’t go the way he wanted to? Maybe or maybe not – maybe he (and I) would have wondering how things would have been had we really tried to work them out 


> On their wedding day, the only person who knew what was going through her mind was her.


 Wow, that’s quite an insinuation. So, anybody who has emotional/psychological or financial issues is selfish if they decide to enter a relationship?


> If she's doing something to make me feel valued, she's keeping it a closely held secret. She has psych issues, too, but her focus is 100% upon herself and her own problems and that has been the case for years. She's seen dozens of doctors, but the only message I get is to not complain and drive on. I'm absolutely the last priority.


 I do not defend your wife’s selfish behavior, but depression is defined by self-focused behavior. It is hard to explain to people who’ve never experienced but it’s not something you do just for the fun of it. While you may not be completely dysfunctional in your everyday, it leaves you incapable of focusing on other’s people’s emotions, but again, not because you’re just a mean person. Why don’t you leave if she’s so selfish? You sound utterly miserable and as much as I feel I understand where your wife may be coming from, it’s not fair for you to deal with this either, IF there is no change in sight.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can't speak for the other guys here, but my mind can't even conceive of a scenario where I would be excused from taking care of my responsibilities because I was depressed or tired or didn't feel like it. People count on me and bills have to be paid. If I were crazy as an out-house rat, I still have to take care of business. I've been a cop 30 years. Been deployed to combat twice. Been shot at, beat on, screamed at, spit upon, you-name-it. Seen about a thousand dead people and I don't mean in a funeral parlor. My wife is on medical leave for PTSD cause she teaches unruly 10 year olds. To be fair, some of those kids are pretty out of control and I wouldn't want her job. Point is, I can't "check out" of life for any reason until I'm dead. My dad could never "check out" and neither could his father or grandfather. I'm sure no male in my lineage ever was in a position to say "I just don't feel up to doing that."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lastradus,

I don't leave because I made a promise. Like you, she suffers from depression and other psych issues. I'm not dumping someone for being sick. She might have told me truthfully how she felt before we got married and I could have made an informed choice, but she didn't. I said "I do" and that's that. 
Wise choice or dumb choice, I'm an adult and I made it and I will uphold my end of things whether she does or not.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> but it seems like all the understanding has to come from his side.


Yes and No. I truly do believe that he deserves to be happy and that includes a fulfilling sex life. What I do know, though, is that with his wife being depressed he will not get anywhere if he tries to fix the symptom before the deeper problem. That does not mean that she is not responsible for the deeper problem (it’s 50/50) but if the end-goal is a happy relationship, other things will need to be fixed first. For me it was not having my feelings dismissed as not “logical” since on the surface I had everything I could have wanted at that stage in my life.



> and could you see that resentment has built up because most men would feel like they have been given a false bill of sale thinking they were marring someone who desired them and then finding out that they really never did and then told well it’s because i'm depressed or some other reason.


First off, I didn’t see anywhere that this was the case. From what I gather their sex life was good at some point (but I may be wrong). Also, I truly believe that things are a little more complicated than “being given a false bill of sale”. Things happen in people’s life. What if she’d been in an accident and could not have sex ever again anymore as the result of physical injuries? Would people give the same advice? Would she be called selfish? Depression is a serious illness yet there are so many ignorant people out there who think that “you just have to get your act together”. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.


> so understanding on both sides is needed. what is a husband to do in this situation.


I think I very well understand both sides. I understood my partner’s side, but that didn’t magically turn things around made me want sex. I guess I should also mention that we were still intimate in terms of cuddling and giving each other massages but I couldn’t get myself to do any “sexual acts”.


> did you masturbate at all during this time when sex was unimportant to you?


No. Simply no interest. I wanted sex with him. But I couldn’t do it because I dealing with all my emotional issues.


> I'll bet he did and I'll bet every time is made him a little more resentful


You don’t have to bet  I know he did. And it’s not like we never had sex .Again, during the worst times it was still at least twice a month. But even if that’s more than 6 times in 3 years, I can still imagine what the Ops wife may be going through.


> I'm sure no male in my lineage ever was in a position to say "I just don't feel up to doing that."


I’m not quite sure what exactly you want to say. Being depressed doesn’t mean “you’re not up to it”.
And quite frankly, depressed people can be fully functional in their everyday life, that doesn’t mean there an emotional wreck. And quite frankly, I don’t think that not going to work or having sex with your spouse should be treated as comparable issues. I mean at the end of the day,would you really want her to sleep with you because she “can’t just check out”?



> I don't leave because I made a promise. Like you, she suffers from depression and other psych issues. I'm not dumping someone for being sick. She might have told me truthfully how she felt before we got married and I could have made an informed choice, but she didn't. I said "I do" and that's that.


I do think that’s very noble of you. I have to be honest, I probably wouldn’t do it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lastradus,

In response to your question, I completely understand that most people with emotional or psych issues would like to be in a married relationship. If they are completely honest with their prospective partner before the proposal is made and the idiot marries them anyway, it's on him/her. I don't believe anyone has the right to secretly lay a trap and force another human being into a life of celibacy and frustration. If a person want's financial security, they can play the lottery. If they want a buddy, get a buddy. If they want a mental health care provider, let them hire one. Agreeing to marry means you agree that you can and will attend to the reasonable needs of your partner. I wouldn't adopt a dog if I knew I couldn't care for it properly. It might make me feel good but it's unfair and cruel to the dog.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Lastradus,
> 
> In response to your question, I completely understand that most people with emotional or psych issues would like to be in a married relationship. If they are completely honest with their prospective partner before the proposal is made and the idiot marries them anyway, it's on him/her. I don't believe anyone has the right to secretly lay a trap and force another human being into a life of celibacy and frustration. If a person want's financial security, they can play the lottery. If they want a buddy, get a buddy. If they want a mental health care provider, let them hire one. Agreeing to marry means you agree that you can and will attend to the reasonable needs of your partner.


Ok, I get that. I don't know about the OP's case. When did they get married? Before or after she started being depressed? Quite frankly, if she was depressed before they got married, he must have either not known her very well or she must have been a very good actress. However, based on my own experience and that of my social environment, I assume that the vast majority of people doesn't go into marriage with the intention of deceiving one's partner and hence pretending to be "normal" when in truth they are depressed. I told my partner from the very beginning that I issues with depression but, of course, it doesn't show as much when you're in the honeymoom dating phase (also, looking back it was my happiest time of my life). So, while I didn't technically lie to him, going by your definition, I deceived him by being too happy even though I truly felt like that at that time....I don't know...should I have acted miserable just so that he really knew what he was getting into?

On the other hand, what if she got depressed after the wedding? By your definition that's fine because she didn't deceive him. 

Overall, I don't think it matters. It is what it is. Human lives and relationships are muddy and far from clear-cut. There are no guidelines that say "if X happens, do Y, and if that doesn't work, do Z..."

I don't know...my .2 cents.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she got depression or was hit by a truck after the ceremony, he agreed "till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health". He should step up and do what has to be done. I do disagree with you that it doesn't matter whether the condition appears before or after marriage. One smells a lot like fraud and the other is just another medical issue couples must face. If my penis had been amputated but I concealed that fact from my fiance' until after marriage, it wouldn't make me a very honorable person and she'd have just cause to think herself ill-used. Likewise, if I knew I was gay or knew I just didn't like sex and concealed those facts, I would be defrauding my wife.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

I didn't see from the OP. Is OP's wife on depression meds? If not, who diagnosed her? 
Most people with depression don't do GNO and for sure would not do it last second. Depression is very over diagnosed, and much more so by a general practitioner who hears 2 min of a patient telling them they are sad. Am I saying she doesn't have depression? No. But I am saying if she just gets up and goes out on a GNO without you all but kicking her out the door, then its not likely and I am sure whoever diagnosed her wasn't given that information. 
Her problem is unfotunately not depression. It is most likely in some way with the OP i.e. resentment over something.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If she got depression or was hit by a truck after the ceremony, he agreed "till death do us part" and "in sickness and in health".
> 
> Wow, I'm feeling I'm slowly defending the other side here. I totally think you're right. Marriage is a commitment but if neither one tries to make things better...I don't know. I just don't think steamroller tactics are the way to go.
> 
> ...


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok Lastradas. Lets just say for a moment that she does have depression. Even say that she didn't have it when they got married. Is it his fault in any way that she let it go on for 3 years while doing nothing about it? This is not a 50/50 split in responsibility. If there is a problem, the onus is on her to cominucate this with him and they can work through it together. Last I checked he made sure his problem was known. Knowing there is a problem for 3 years and doing nothing about it is a problem in and of itself that she created.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm just guessing that your average husband who has been denied sex for 3 years could probably trot into any shrink's office and walk out with a diagnosis of depression.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My issue with my stbxw and her lack of sex drive (and general unhappiness with her life and other things) was not only those items, but her refusal to do anything to try to improve them. Gentle suggestions to see a doctor about alternatives to her BC pills, requests that we make plans for times without the kids, whatever were continuously rebuffed. My point is that a person has to first acknowledge that there's a problem (my wife would do that) and they have to want to fix it. Without those keys in place, there's a limited amount that the other spouse can do. At that point, the options seem to be learn to deal with things the way they are, or end the marriage. I chose door #2.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your partner doesn't care enough about you to put themselves out slightly, what good will they possibly be when you seriously need their help? In reality, they aren't partners but passengers in your leaking canoe. They can't be counted on to row, navigate, or bail water. Somehow, they convince themselves that they are entitled to a free ride. I can't imagine how.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> Ok Lastradas. Lets just say for a moment that she does have depression. Even say that she didn't have it when they got married. Is it his fault in any way that she let it go on for 3 years while doing nothing about it? This is not a 50/50 split in responsibility..


I agree, that is not his _fault_. It was _her_ responsibility. But, and I'm not sure how many other ways I can try to get this across: Her lack of initiative is because she is depressed. So, it's a god damn spiral and it's incredibly hard to get out of it. Do you think anybody *wants* to feel worthless? It is hard work and when you're depressed you find it unimaginable that you could ever get out of it. I am not blaming either one here. 



> If there is a problem, the onus is on her to communicate this with him and they can work through it together. Last I checked he made sure his problem was known. Knowing there is a problem for 3 years and doing nothing about it is a problem in and of itself that she created


I agree, in an ideal situation, this is what would happen. But do we know if she communicated? Maybe she has and the OP did know how to deal with or wasn't there for her as much as she needed. All I've read is that the OP stated that she's depressed. I don't see that he's tried to help her in the past few years until he recently when he agreed to go to therapy (which I think is great). 



> My issue with my stbxw and her lack of sex drive (and general unhappiness with her life and other things) was not only those items, but her refusal to do anything to try to improve them


Yes, and I agree, if that's the case, I understand if my partner decided to walk out. Speaking for myself, I wanted to work things out, but I felt literally emotionally handicapped. Could I have tried harder? I don't know - maybe? I know for myself that I never had the intention to hurt my paper. I knew I was doing it but I was never vindictive - how would I have benefited from that anyways? 



> If your partner doesn't care enough about you to put themselves out slightly, what good will they possibly be when you seriously need their help? In reality, they aren't partners but passengers in your leaking canoe. They can't be counted on to row, navigate, or bail water. Somehow, they convince themselves that they are entitled to a free ride. I can't imagine how.


Speaking for myself I never not cared for my partner or felt that I was entitled to anything. Your response reflects the very limited understanding you seem to have of what depression is like. And yes, being with somebody who is emotionally unstable decrease your own security in the relationship. And then it's up to you to leave or stay.




> 'm just guessing that your average husband who has been denied sex for 3 years could probably trot into any shrink's office and walk out with a diagnosis of depression.


Just because you don't have enough sex, doesn't automatically mean you're depressed and vice versa. There are empirically validated methods to diagnose depression.

Based on the responses I read here, I do feel that many are not aware of effects of depression and what it can do to one. It's not my job to convince you that it is an illness and that one doesn't get depressed out of vindictiveness but that being depressed means that you feel incapable of doing anything about it. A lot of people here speak about fairness, blame, responsibility. Neither depression nor lack of sexual frequency are "fair", so what's the point of even bringing it up?
I can only speak from my own experience and if the OP wants to work things out with his wife, some things need to be discussed first before sexual frequency becomes the priority. If nothing changes and she's not willing to work on things, he can always still leave.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As someone who has never been diagnosed with, or experienced depression, I would admit I don't know what it's like to go through. How can I? But... If your partner isn't willing/able to attempt to deal with what they're going through, what are your options? Continue with the status quo? I have to save that years of rejection and feeling unloved have a huge impact on your self esteem and mental health. I'm now in a much healthier relationship, and months into it, I still have to force myself to accept compliments from her the way they're intended. It's really struck me how beaten down I was. And my wife wasn't even intentionally cruel or mean.

In any case, I do thank you for opening up on her, and sharing your insight.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How can someone be summarily rejected by the one they love for three years and not suffer from depression or some other ill psych effects? If I punched my wife in the face every day for 3 years, it isn't hard to imagine she'd have adverse psych responses to my abuse. 
My point is don't assume because someone hasn't received a documented diagnosis that they don't suffer just as much (maybe even more) than you. Maybe they don't have a bottle of valiums on their bedside table or a shrink appointment in the morning but their needs, feelings, and mental well-being are just as important as your own. 

Regardless of who has what, a marriage consists of two people and two sets of needs and expectations. One's focus can't remain mostly upon themselves, regardless of what malady they have. If I suffer from alcoholism, that doesn't relieve me of the duty of treating my wife decently. If my dad beat me as a kid, I still owe my kids decent treatment. 
It's true, I haven't run down to the shrink and gotten a diagnosis for depression. One could argue that I don't understand depression in the way my wife does. I can also argue that she's never been denied intimacy or rejected by the one she loves for 10 years, so she can't fully understand how I feel.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Interestingly, studies show that 20-26% of women are at lifetime risk for developing clinical depression as opposed to only 8-12% of men, however, men commit suicide 3 times the rate of women, so, obviously, lots (probably most) depressed men just aren't seeking professional help.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

People have strange views of mental health. If you are seriously incapacitated by it you are no more able to 'deliver' on your commitments than you are to fly. As someone who has suffered from depression psychosis I can tell you I had to be fed intravenously.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I wouldn't expect anyone incapacitated to do anything at all for me. Mine functions pretty well as long as she's doing what she enjoys doing. She works in her flower garden, rescues dogs, volunteers to help friends and neighbors, paints yard gnomes. She seems pretty selective about what she's too depressed to do. These folks denying their spouse intimacy seem to be in control of their actions while they are at work or behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, so somehow they have learned to overcome their depression long enough to attend to pretty much all other expectations of life. They don't expect their boss to tolerate crappy treatment but it's ok to leave their spouse hanging.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks to all responses especially lastradas as she sounds exactly like what you were going through. Ill try answer some of questions that where posted but i do have to take daughter out so will be quick,

-im very happy with life in general - the no intamacy and sex has finally got to me though (obviosuly) Especially when wife seems more happier the last 3 to 4 months on these tablets but not happier towards me.

-when i first dated her 6 years ago she said she had depression, wasnt seeing anyone but was on tablets for first year of relationship. Next 4 1/2 years no tablets and seemed fine. Last 3 to 4 months back on the tablets.

-Like Lastradus - wouldnt say good, but acceptable sex life for first year, (2 times a week) then second year once every 10 days or so, then 3rd year once every 3 weeks due to being pregnant. Last 3 years nothing.

- had lack of knowledge of depression and now have done a lot of research

-have thought about asking her exactly wants she wants in bedroom but think we better just have sex at least once first

-she actually went to the doctor with sore back 4 months ago, came home saying doctor thinks i have depression and i have to go to psych which straight away said yes you certainly do.

-lastradus- you said something about the person with depression, can seem slefish - well she certainly does looking after herslf in terms of girls nights out/planning our weekends with out asking me if i have anythng on/leaving daughter with me whilst goes to movies, dinners with friends.

- she says she goes out on girls nights once very 3 or 4 weeks as its an escape from life and she can just dance.


I actually think, she is also struggling with changing from a girl that was in a relationship with a boy when we were 23/24 and really having no worries in the world and going out most weekends. Now she is a mother withj a child and dont go out as much obviously and she is stuggling with that. Im happy to be a husband/father - she is also but misses the younger days and wants the best of both worlds.

better go, might check in after has it doesnt help to have a quick read daily.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Whatever intentions and mental state a woman brings to a marriage, it's a gut punch to the man when things change for the worse. Same thing the other way. Nothing like the gut punch moment to make you ask yourself, what the heck have I got myself into? Yes both parties have to work it. Yes the depressed one is not excused from trying to work at the marriage through working on his/her own issues. Yes, the other party should leave if the depressed one cannot resolve his/her own issues sufficiently well enough to get back to some semblance of a sexual marriage.


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## nice_cheryl (Oct 15, 2011)

I truly think this is a bad idea.
It will have repercussions down the road - I'm sure of it.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You said your wife seems happier now that shes on the tablets, but not happier towards you. What does that tell you? It seems clear.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

brendan said:


> -im very happy with life in general - the no intamacy and sex has finally got to me though (obviosuly) Especially when wife seems more happier the last 3 to 4 months on these tablets but not happier towards me.


Have you actually asked her if she is happier? Or does she just “seem” happier? How does she feel about herself, her life, you and just everything? Do you know that or are guessing? 
Maybe some people think that she should just initiate this without you having to do anything after you have suffered for so long. But she has suffered, too. Just because she’s popping pills, things don’t disappear over night. Memories of how she felt pressured don’t go away - even if you had no bad intentions whatsoever and she’s aware of that. Feelings and thoughts are a not a light switch. Depression medicine serves the purpose to improve somebody’s perception of the situation; it doesn’t make everything peachy all of a sudden. So, while the medicine may prevent her from falling into deep emotional holes, it doesn’t mean doesn’t remember how she’s felt the past few years. Also, depression medication is much more effective if coupled with therapy. It’s really important, for her and for your own sake, to stop seeing this as a black and white issue.



> -have thought about asking her exactly wants she wants in bedroom but think we better just have sex at least once first


Well, I feel you’re going backwards. I mean I don’t know if she’s got a problem with what you’re doing. But if she does, what’s the incentive if she’s not happy with how you’ve done it in the past?


> does looking after herself in terms of girls nights out/planning our weekends without asking me if i have anything on/leaving daughter with me whilst goes to movies, dinners with friends.


That’s simply NOT okay. But I do admit that I did the same. Not because I didn’t care about my partner, but because it didn’t cross my mind. My thought process would be something like: “I want to go out with my friends. He doesn’t have anything planned for the night or at least hasn’t said so, ergo it’s okay”. I never did anything out of vindictiveness but simply out of “self-focused-ness” . However, looking back I feel deeply ashamed of this behavior. I do think , though, that this would be a better topic to address at the therapist rather than starting with the sex frequency problem.


> she says she goes out on girls nights once very 3 or 4 weeks as its an escape from life and she can just dance.


i don't see anything wrong with it. She should just give you reasonable notification (i.e. not having to ask for permission, but you don’t sound like that kind of guy to me).




> Now she is a mother with a child and don’t go out as much obviously and she is struggling with that. I’m happy to be a husband/father - she is also but misses the younger days and wants the best of both worlds.


Well, as long as she can combine these two things in a reasonable manner, then I don’t think there is any problem with. Just because you love to be in the husband/father role, doesn’t mean she shouldn’t get to enjoy an occasional girls-night out. It’s all about balancing and meeting everybody’s need. So, just like I don’t think it’s a good idea to expect her have sex with right away at the frequency you want, it would not be okay for her to disappear every weekend to party. People have different limits on what they’re willing accept, the two of you need to negotiate yours.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

brendan said:


> as discussed on other topics my wife and i (28). do not have sex anymore as she doesnt want it or doesnt want to or doesnt feel like it or has no sex drive. 3 years maybe 5 or 6 times.
> 
> she has now come to me and said she is okay with me seeing a hooker or go to brothel.
> 
> ...



She doesn't care about you or the marriage.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

brendan said:


> thanks to all responses especially lastradas as she sounds exactly like what you were going through. Ill try answer some of questions that where posted but i do have to take daughter out so will be quick,
> 
> -im very happy with life in general - the no intimacy and sex has finally got to me though (obviously) Especially when wife seems more happier the last 3 to 4 months on these tablets but not happier towards me.
> 
> ...


Brendan, it sounds like you have a great handle on the situation- your wife is a victim of forces beyond her control, and nothing is her fault. Years from now, you'll look back on those 6 intimate encounters in the last three years with amazement, and say to yourself- "Geez. Did we REALLY used to have sex that often?"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Despite her depression, does she find it in herself to attend to your baby's needs, or will the baby wait 6 months too?


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

many men are in marriages where their wives have checked out sexually. this is not uncommon. at least your wife is honest and is facing up to the fact that you can't live in a sexless marriage. 

don't get me wrong, this is completely unacceptable for a marriage but unlike many marriages that just fade out in the sex department, she is telling it like it is and giving you a choice. You need to play the cards you are dealt and she's telling you that you will not get sex in your marriage. You can divorce her, continue to be her friend but get your sex elsewhere, or you can resign yourself to the rest of your life without a wife but just a friend (no sex for you).

nobody here can tell you what to do. it depends how much you love her, how much you need sex, and what other options you have. good luck.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

ill answer a few quick questions and again thanks for support:

- wife is a great mother to the daughter

- i dont have a problem with girls nights out as long as they are not every bloody 3 weeks. I dont want her to ask me byt just give me some notice. So now she has planned another girls weekend away for 3 weeks time and gave me notice but told me ill have to look after daughter as her parents or mine cant, so ive had to take 3 days off work. i was angry

- she told me she is happier, although misses her friends as they dont go out as much anymore. WELL IT HAPPENS???
I do get angry though as we only have about one in every 5 weekends off together and when we do, we do the normal thing - visit family, dinners etc but it always ends with her going for drinks with the girls until 4am whilst i would prefer we go out on the town together. next counselling will be interesting.



another thing to note that came out last week at counsillors which i was a bit shocked was she is so jealous of my work collegues. Most are girls between 20-30 and most are attractive. She is so jealous of them and thinks they are all *****es. At work functions they all try and talk to her but she gives them a hello and thats it.
When we are home she always complains that they snobbed her off and are *****es. 
Then when im at work next my collegues tell me she is so shy.
I know its the depression but its like she only likes a handfull of people and everyone else is a ***** or dikhead.
As im findind out all these little nagging issues have built up to a major one which would have contrbuted to no intamacy.
i actually had someone tell me "That she may be so jelous of you being happy and fit and healthy that she resents you so no sex for me as im already so happy/healthy/fit." Interesting.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe she hates feeling non-sexual and resents you and anyone else who enjoys a healthy sex drive. Maybe that's why she says she's jealous of your workmates. Those women are young and attractive..from all outward appearances, they probably represent sexual women. It's possible she misses intimacy with you as much as you miss intimacy with her. 
It's just very ironic that she'd offer you hookers but say she's jealous of your sexy workmates. Why would a jealous woman offer another woman to her husband? The only way I can process it is to say she was insincere when offering the brothel idea or she was insincere when talking to her counselor. I suspect she would take it very badly if you actually did visit a hooker.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think she is cheating some how. She offers up hookers to assuage her guilt, and get you taken care of, but she is worried about you actually hooking up with someone from work.

I bet the weekend away etc offers her the chance to hook up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks unbelieveable that makes a bit of sense. im going to try and be more loving myself (non sexual) holding hands/cuddles as well.

shaggy - i 100% know she is not cheating. Half the girls she goes out with are my friends/my sisters.


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

> So now she has planned another girls weekend away for 3 weeks time and gave me notice but told me I’ll have to look after daughter as her parents or mine cant, so I’ve had to take 3 days off work. I was angry


You keep speaking interchangeably about girls’ night out and weekends. Which one is it? I think this makes a difference. I don’t think it’s okay to just plan frequent weekends away from you and the baby without giving you sufficient notice whereas a night in the town with the girls should not be a big deal, say, once or twice a month.


> he told me she is happier, although misses her friends as they don’t go out as much anymore. WELL IT HAPPENS???


To be honest, this doesn’t seem to be the whole story. Especially, how does she feel about you and the relationship?


> I do get angry though as we only have about one in every 5 weekends off together and when we do, we do the normal thing - visit family, dinners etc but it always ends with her going for drinks with the girls until 4am whilst i would prefer we go out on the town together. Next counseling will be interesting.


So, what happens when you suggest going out together? Have you suggested to do that in addition to her going out with the girls so that she doesn’t have to sacrifice that time. It sounds like you got family who can babysit so it shouldn’t be impossible.


> Another thing to note that came out last week at counselors which i was a bit shocked was she is so jealous of my work colleagues. Most are girls between 20-30 and most are attractive. She is so jealous of them and thinks they are all *****es. At work functions they all try and talk to her but she gives them a hello and that’s it.


I know it completely contradicts itself on the surface but it actually makes sense to me because I somewhat felt the same way. I have never been a very jealous person per se, so while I was never really worried about my partner being sexually attracted to somebody else, I was always afraid that some day he would meet somebody who would be funnier, happier and NOT depressed, somebody who could offer him everything that I couldn’t. One would think that this would drive me to make sure I wasn’t all of these negative things, but the matter of the fact is that I felt even more paralyzed and more depressed. So, while I wasn’t jealous of him, I thought that he would soon realize how much better life is without me (and quite frankly it didn’t matter if he assured me that he only loved me) . Hookers, however, have sex for money and –although technically not impossible- the chance you developing feelings for a hooker and not wanting to be with your wife are much smaller.


> Maybe she hates feeling non-sexual and resents you and anyone else who enjoys a healthy sex drive. Maybe that's why she says she's jealous of your workmates. Those women are young and attractive..from all outward appearances, they probably represent sexual women. It's possible she misses intimacy with you as much as you miss intimacy with her.


I agree with there. I think it’s very possible that she actually misses intimacy but may be afraid that everytime she is okay with you touching her you expect it leads to sex. For me, this was the main reason why I often times withdrew when my partner just touched me even without any sexual intentions.
Also, speaking for myself, I did not ever resent anybody for having a higher sex drive, but I envied them. I like but during the last years of my relationship I felt like there was too much emotional stuff going on that made it so that I just couldn’t.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

lastradas,

-mainly girls nights out which i dont mind, i actually i enjoy as it gives me a night to myself with daughter and we relax. But last year or so more and more nights where they may drive 2 or 3 hours to a venue and stay the night and come back the next day. her next one she has planned an actual weekend away where they stay in hotel and go nightclubs 2 nights in a row.So ive had to take 3 days off to look after my daughter but have decided to go on my own 2 nights away with daughter which will be good as im not going to just sit around the house for 2/3 days.

-says she is happy with me and relationship just has no feelings for any sex. Feels i talk down to her sometimes and act like a father and not a husband eg. advising her to do things. Which i see as trying to help her through depression. But more sure to come out at counselling this week i guess.

-when i suggest going out together she is normally cool with it, but a lot of the time when i do she has already planned something for that time/date. (Normally on my wekends off)

-I have never cheated on her in the 6 years but yes maybe she feels ill pick up a work mate as they have more sex drive. But she wont even try and get to know them, just bags them out.

Anyhow had a good weekend whilst we both woked but had a lovley dinenr and talked alot about a few years ago and funny stories and was good to see a smile on her face.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

brendan said:


> lastradas,
> 
> -mainly girls nights out which i dont mind, i actually i enjoy as it gives me a night to myself with daughter and we relax. But last year or so more and more nights where they may drive 2 or 3 hours to a venue and stay the night and come back the next day. her next one she has planned an actual weekend away where they stay in hotel and go nightclubs 2 nights in a row.So ive had to take 3 days off to look after my daughter but have decided to go on my own 2 nights away with daughter which will be good as im not going to just sit around the house for 2/3 days.
> 
> ...



These are red flags to me. She has time to go out with her friends but not with you. She goes out clubbing then has to stay the night. Too easy for bad things to happen, and too easy to hide it. You need to look into this.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

The disrespect of the term "wifey" makes me want to throwup. thats is someones daughter, sister, aunt, mom, woman of the world, etc. 

I let it go for a over a week. Couldnt take it any longer. I suppose its too much to ask to refrain from using that in the future?


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

tall averageguy, deffinelty not cheating if thats what your referring too, althouhg i do agree its a worry she has time for friends but not for me at times.

noissues- that was probably the first time ive used that term "wifey". Guess it just came out of nowhere but no i wont use it anymore.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why is "wifey" any more disrespectful than "hubby"? Why would any spouse who is denying their mate basic needs feel themselves deserving of even minimally humane treatment, let alone respect? Why would someone respect spousal abuse? "Wifey" isn't very accurate but it's far kinder than a more appropriate definition


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Brendan, many men also were certain that their wives were not cheating on them but once they started doing some spying on their wives, they were shocked when they found evidence to the contrary. You would be wise to do some investigation of your own which will either vindicate your assertion that she is faithful or open your eyes that she has been cheating all along.


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## lovestoomuch (Oct 11, 2011)

Wifey doesn't offend me and i am a woman. I think it's
kind of funny someone with a username of "NoIssues" has an issue with it. It just sounds like a cutesy nickname to me. Some people are too serious. If my husband called me that I would just think it's cute. Everyone's different. Not like yoyu were on here calling your wife something bad like "cold hearted B''ch"


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

brendan said:


> tall averageguy, deffinelty not cheating if thats what your referring too, althouhg i do agree its a worry she has time for friends but not for me at times.


What is your basis for saying that?


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

my basis in saying that is, all her friends are my friends and im sure one of them would tell me if they find out and when she isnt with them 99% of the time she is with them


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

2nd marriage counselling was yesterday, things do come out....

-counsillor beieves wife has/had post natal depression as she thinks about the birth everyday (was a difficult birth and rushed to emergency but made it)

- counsillor kept asking why i didnt pursue the career i studied for and now working as a bar manager - i said because i enjoy this more. can work when i want.

-wife wants house renovations, has the ideas but does nothing about it.

-counsillor worried daughter will find out about the non loving in our house and become upset.

- house has been on the market 5 months, and now wife says she never wanted to sell. When myself and everyone else thinks she wanted to move 6 months ago.

-wife has childhood issues and now realises her mum was a compulsive liar and told many lies about family over the years and cheated on her father.

-wife cant explain why she doesnt touch or want to be touched by me, or cant explain why we cant do things together and would rather go out with friends.

-counsillor says to wife " you have issues with confrontation with people, family now husband"

a few others but that will do for now.....the post baby depression was a shock as the wife has never spoke about the birth as daughter is a very happy/smart little girl. Going back next week but counsillor is worried and wants to find out why we dont do things TOGETHER, whether it be sex/weekends away/romance or even parenting together.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How did your wife's mother treat her husband?


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

From what i believe the mother was only with the husband for 2 to 3 years.

Has been single sinc ei have known my wife. But no i do not liek the mother.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We learn how to be married partners mostly from watching our parents. Your wife really didn't get to see a healthy marriage and probably had her head filled with ugly stories about her dad and men in general.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

lovestoomuch said:


> Wifey doesn't offend me and i am a woman. I think it's
> kind of funny someone with a username of "NoIssues" has an issue with it. It just sounds like a cutesy nickname to me. *Some people are too serious.* If my husband called me that I would just think it's cute. Everyone's different. Not like yoyu were on here calling your wife something bad like "cold hearted B''ch"


:iagree::iagree::lol::lol:
This politically correct nonsense has gone too far. People make a big deal out of nothing. 
I am also a female and "Wifey" is just fine with me.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> We learn how to be married partners mostly from watching our parents. Your wife really didn't get to see a healthy marriage and probably had her head filled with ugly stories about her dad and men in general.


:iagree:

My parents marriage was not happy or healthy. My father was/still is henpecked and abused. My mother was/still is a screeching shrew, who does the traditional wife thing and then complains about it. When he cheated, mom poisoned my mind against Daddy and other men. I also grew up seeing all the men in my family cheat.

I was bitter and I had very skewed and cynical views about marriage; I never imagined myself as someone's wife. After five years together and one year of matrimony, I finally trust my husband. :smthumbup: It required a lot of therapy, taking advice from happy couples and books about being happily married.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

"We learn how to be married partners mostly from watching our parents. Your wife really didn't get to see a healthy marriage and probably had her head filled with ugly stories about her dad and men in general."

I think you make a good point unbelieveable, have never thought like that however she isnt the most tidy wife in terms of house cleaning etc but i accept that as her mother was very very messy.
so i guess she learnt that off her mum who brought her up and has learnt how to be a wife frim the mum


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

watching a movie together last night and i innocently had my hand inside of her dress just rubbing her hips, then got closer to her "area". She pulled right away, so i stopped the movie and said "Whats the problem" She says she just has no desire to be touched anywhere near that area.

I half cracked it and said, "do you really think we can go on in a marriage with no touching, feeling, sex" She bluntly said Yes and i said well i dont think we can and we need to fix this. We want to be together for the rest of our lives and in first year of marriage no intamacy.

She went to bed.....Ill be laying it all out on the line at the counsillors on wednesday.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Certain depression meds can be a libido killer too. Not sure if she is on any meds since you said she had depression, but that might be something she needs to discuss with her doctor, if she is on any.


Depression meds can be a libido killer but more to the point for this OP they can also be an oxytocin killer.

They fix your depression by blunting your emotions and not just the bad ones all of them.

Has the OP looked into this possibility?

I wouldn`t take psyche meds if you point a gun to my head.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t care what kind of "depression" I was in.
I wouldn`t ever fill a script for any of these meds.

Nor would I want my wife on them.




> Dr. Jerry Frankel of Plano, Texas: “After two bouts of depression in 10 years, my therapist recommended I stay on serotonin-enhancing antidepressants indefinitely. As appreciative as I was to have regained my health, I found that my usual enthusiasm for life was replaced with blandness. My romantic feelings for my wife declined drastically. With the approval of my therapist, I gradually discontinued my medication. My enthusiasm returned and our romance is now as strong as ever.”
> 
> Dr. Frankel’s case is documented in a report published in MIT Press’s Evolutionary Cognitive Neuroscience by anthropologist Helen Fisher and psychiatrist J. Anderson Thomson. They argue that SSRIs can numb users so much they lose interest in sex, passion and keeping a relationship strong. Where’s the warning label that reads, “May cripple love and destroy marital bonds”?
> 
> ...


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

tacoma-yes she is on pristiq.

but has only been on this for 3 months. our non intamacy has been 3 years. ill be raising this with counsellor on wednesday also. I dont care if i dont get sex, but i would like some help even if she gives me a handjob in bed or tries mutual with me or something.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The fact that this wife-like creature actually believes it's perfectly acceptable for her to impose lifelong celibacy upon her husband is just plain narcissistic, naive, and nutz. With a world filled with real flesh and blood women, why would he choose to live with a zombie for the rest of his life? Because he's the one human being who actually thrives on rejection?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The fact that this wife-like creature actually believes it's perfectly acceptable for her to impose lifelong celibacy upon her husband is just plain narcissistic, naive, and nutz. With a world filled with real flesh and blood women, why would he choose to live with a zombie for the rest of his life? Because he's the one human being who actually thrives on rejection?


It may not be him but if a man exists who thrives on rejection you`ll find him on this forum somewhere.

There are sooo many men here who take this sex as a weapon abuse it`s unbelievable.

Ironically I can say after hanging out on marriage relationship forums for years that it`s usually these beta men who go through hell trying to "Understand/help her" that end up horribly screwed.

The few I`ve seen who posted that they slammed their foot down at the first sign of this madness have all had positive outcomes one way or the other.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

I think you should be thanking your lucky stars - your wife just offered you a great deal! She realises you have a need for sex that she cannot fulfil, so she is offering you a way to fix your problem. You can't just knock it back and then whine at her about it - that would be very hypocritical, wouldn't it?

And if you aren't bonking your wife (as well as the hookers), then she won't have to worry about contracting a disease. Take precautions in regards to yourself and its all good.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your wife offered you nothing. It's always been in your power to have sex with other women if that was your wish. If other women are attending to your needs you don't need her. Basically, she offered to delegate her position as wife to some stranger. Very likely, the "offer" wouldn't have been made if she believed you'd actually go through with it. In reality, her "offer" was just another form of rejection, informing you that she cares so little for you that she'll leave you with two unacceptable choices. You can either twist in the wind forever or you can forget your own moral standards and seek relief elsewhere. She's telling you that your needs are not her concern.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> I think you should be thanking your lucky stars - your wife just offered you a great deal! She realises you have a need for sex that she cannot fulfil, so she is offering you a way to fix your problem. You can't just knock it back and then whine at her about it - that would be very hypocritical, wouldn't it?
> 
> And if you aren't bonking your wife (as well as the hookers), then she won't have to worry about contracting a disease. Take precautions in regards to yourself and its all good.


You're kidding right?

How does a hooker fix the OPs problem?

If you're serious then you have no idea what the problem is
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovestoomuch (Oct 11, 2011)

so sorry your going through this!!! my husband doesnt want sex much. he rejects me a lot. i dont understand it. i am open minded in bed, aim to please, enjoy myself,, etc and it just makes no sense when someone says they love you why they dont want you. it really hurts. i am glad to see a man and men on here looking to make their relationships work. gives me hope in this world after having a relationship where i am the only one who tries. know your not alone and that people here care even if we dont know you in person!


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

back to the counsellor yesterday, a few more things came out.

_thinks i yell to much when im not happy with something

_one of reasons no sex is due to the fact she is scared of having a another child and doesnt want anymore, alot of other reasons will be revealed in 2 weeks apparrently.

_goes out once very 3 or 4 weeks on girls nights out/weekends away as when she is dancing she feels like all her problems are gone.



very quiet session actually-talking about sex in 2 weeks says counsellor


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

brendan said:


> back to the counsellor yesterday, a few more things came out.
> 
> _thinks i yell to much when im not happy with something
> 
> ...


You got some good input from your wife that is directly related to the lack of sex.

1. You yelling is unattractive and weak. Women are not attracted to men who cannot control their emotions.

2. Fear of having a child: that's a fitness test.... It's a seemingly concrete and unchangeable excuse. You have to express confidence that if God gives us another child, it would be a surprise but also a blessing.

3. Girls nite out: Wives need their life to be fun filled in order for them to feel sexual. You provide the fun, she provides the sex. 

As an aside, your marriage should not include weekends away every 3-4 weeks. Her having told you to go to a hooker and the fact that she spends the nights out is a red flag.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

well one year anniversay today so i think its an important night.

have a massage then 3 course dinner planned at apartment followed by bath. I have a bottle of wine (for myself) as she doesnt drink

roses on bed and in bathroom.


will see how it goes and im not even going to try for sex, all i want is emotional and connection and good talking & bonding between the two of us. Will see how it goes.


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