# Wife still talks to man she cheated with



## heyitsme (Aug 4, 2009)

My wife started talking to an old freind and ended up cheating on me with him. She has admitted to it and when I found out she said she ended it and no longer sees or speaks to him. I found out that she still talks to him on the phone daily but I don't know if she still sees him. She doesn't want a divorce and swears she does not talk to or see him. She doesnt know I have access to her phone and don't want to tip her about it. Why does she say she wants to work out the marrage yet she still talks to him? Should I just dump her even though I love her.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Short answer : Yes.

Long answer : Most definately.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

:iagree:


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Yeah I went through the same thing. If she really wanted to work on the marriage she would not be talking to him. BTW, we are in the middle of an ugly divorce because of it!!! End it before something bad happens.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

heyitsme said:


> Why does she say she wants to work out the marrage yet she still talks to him? Should I just dump her even though I love her.


Because she wants the best of both worlds. Because she wants options. Because she is not truly committed to repairing your marriage. You can’t sit on the fence on this one. Present her with hard evidence of her lying. If she starts griping about her privacy and trust remind her she has been lying to you so she is no longer trustworthy. If you love her and want the marriage to work tell her you are willing to do the work but she has to also. Absolutely no contact, EVER! If she can’t do that then cut loose and move on.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Because she wants the best of both worlds. Because she wants options. Because she is not truly committed to repairing your marriage. You can’t sit on the fence on this one. Present her with hard evidence of her lying. If she starts griping about her privacy and trust remind her she has been lying to you so she is no longer trustworthy. If you love her and want the marriage to work tell her you are willing to do the work but she has to also. Absolutely no contact, EVER! If she can’t do that then cut loose and move on.



I agree. I am going through the same thing right now. My wife told me that she was hurt by the idea of not talking to HIM but would stop in order to fix us. I found out she had talked to him twice without telling me. I blew a gasket. She knows that I can't move forward with US with HIM still in the picture. She is coming home tonight and we will discuss things further. I don't know how things will end up between the 2 of us, but I told her I won't give up on US until she tells me to. I love her too much and I truly feel out relationship is worth trying to work through this. 

I don't know how much you value your relationship but I would hang on until you know in your heart that there is nothing to salvage. I know people will disagree but I can't see not trying until the end.

HE definitely cannot be in the picture and she needs to understand why.


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

If you care about saving your relationship take it slowly and give it a little time but confront her with the truth, be gently clear on the necessity for your partner to cease such contact. Then, in the meantime show her all the kindness and love possible. Ultimately she must come to that same conclusion herself and sometimes people will do so, especially when convinced by a gentle true loving spirit.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

hitched4ever said:


> If you care about saving your relationship take it slowly and give it a little time but confront her with the truth, be gently clear on the necessity for your partner to cease such contact. Then, in the meantime show her all the kindness and love possible. Ultimately she must come to that same conclusion herself and sometimes people will do so, especially when convinced by a gentle true loving spirit.


*BEST CHOICE* :iagree:

She may VERY MUCH want the marriage and need your marriage but does not even know it herself. She is having a hard time letting go of OM; I do not know the complex history, so cannot totally say dump her and move on. 

Help her, but set a limit and _then stick to your guns_, or you will find yourself a doormat. 

Be a hard ass and she will decide the other side is better, it is a VERY fine line. If you have kids and love her deeply, pull out the stops, and try to help her see by doing as hitched4ever says. What do you have to loose? Time, that is ALL. But if you win, you have the love and deep respect of your woman for all time and that's not chump change.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Be a hard ass and she will decide the other side is better, it is a VERY fine line.


Good points Sandy and Hitched, I should have more clear on that. You need to set your boundaries with her in a firm manner but be supportive, concerned and not make it confrontational. Escalating it to a fight will likely have undesired results. Good luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

She is lying to you about her contact with him. What else is she lying about? Will you ever trust her again? I put up with this stuff for three years and now I'm the one in counseling. She needs to decide right now--either you or the other man--but not both!!! Don't let this matter get drawn out over years. It needs to get settled NOW.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I have a terrible suggestion that you shouldn't use, but I'll tell you anyway.

1) Offer your wife an open marriage, tell her its ok if she wants to see other people but you would like that option too.

2) if she agrees tell her that you two need to get a divorce first for legal reasons and you can stay living together and have a new ceremoney with different vows.

3) If she agrees to 1 and 2 dump her on the spot. Shes never gonna be loyal to you.

I gave my wife these options after I found her still talkin to a guy I knew something was up with, but she was totally committed to me and wouldn't tolerate the idea of us seperating like that. Later I found out she had kissed this other guy and almost had sex, if I had let it go on any longer they would have. We have worked through it but my being serious about leaving made her see what she could loose.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

brokenheart09 said:


> Because I was with a married women doesn't make me less of a man, yes it was wrong but I was good to her much more then the "husband" and I was serious about us, by the way the home was broken even before I was in the picture maybe now they can fix it if they can, maybe now he becomes a better man. if you where the husband would be the same thing you cant do anything because maybe you will loose more then you gain by reacting stupid. swallow it and do what you have to do



YOU are a home wrecker no matter how you look at it. If you were serious about the 2 of you, you would have demanded that she leave her husband before anything happened between the 2 of you. Don't try to take credit for anything; "maybe now they can fix it if they can, maybe now he becomes a better man." Are you kidding me? You are less of a man for going after a married woman. Who knows how things would work for them, but you did nothing to help anything. You need to accept that you helped ruin this marriage, which you are probably proud of. YOU make me sick.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> *BEST CHOICE* :iagree:
> 
> She may VERY MUCH want the marriage and need your marriage but does not even know it herself. She is having a hard time letting go of OM; I do not know the complex history, so cannot totally say dump her and move on.
> 
> ...


I disagree, not in the being gentle part, but in waiting for her to arrive at the decision.

All that gets you, not drawing a line in the sand, is a longer period of time that can stretch on for years (I know this first hand) where your wife wallows in guilt and assuages that in the attentions of two men. It is a humiliating and frustrating place to be. Better a clean break, a decision you own, forcing the issue.


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## Justawife (Aug 14, 2009)

hitched4ever said:


> If you care about saving your relationship take it slowly and give it a little time but confront her with the truth, be gently clear on the necessity for your partner to cease such contact. Then, in the meantime show her all the kindness and love possible. Ultimately she must come to that same conclusion herself and sometimes people will do so, especially when convinced by a gentle true loving spirit.


That is so true...I've been their and done that, and it wasn't until now that I started to realize that I have to be the one to make the changes...your spouse cant do it for you....


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

_One cannot force a spouse to make a decision_. 

One must force their OWN decision about to stay or go by drawing a line in the sand and sticking to it. A spouse must let boundaries be known. 

Those on here who say they "_spent years_" letting contact with OM drag on and on...well, the line just wasn't drawn or some arrangement that worked was not made.

Don't blame cheating spouse for not stopping contact. *Enabling is needed in order for the contact to continue inside the marriage*. Many spouses don't *stop enabling *because they cannot tolerate the result, OR taking the "blame" for ending the relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Gomez said:


> I have a terrible suggestion that you shouldn't use, but I'll tell you anyway.
> 
> 1) Offer your wife an open marriage, tell her its ok if she wants to see other people but you would like that option too.
> 
> ...



thats a helluva good idea, devious, but i like it. i wouldn't molly coddle my wife if she did this to me, it would be very over


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