# Is it up yet?



## northernexposure (Jan 13, 2017)

My wife (of over 20 years) has never touched my flaccid penis....EVER....even before we were married. She waits for either me to do it, or for it to happen "naturally". She insists this isn't the case but it most certainly is and something that keeps on bugging me to this day. As we both get older it worries me that achieving and sustaining an erection is going to pose a challenge in the future because of this aversion she has......................Thoughts? Ideas?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Get it hard using your own hands and put it in her mouth. 

I can think of worse problems.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well after 20 years, this is unlikely to change. She either has an aversion to peens when they are flaccid, or she has it in her head that you "shouldn't" have to touch a penis to make it hard, or something like this.

Is she willing to perform oral ever? If so, does that get you hard and does it work instead of using your hand to get hard?

If your only option is to grab it yourself and get it hard, then just do it. I understand how much nicer it would feel to have a helping hand, but if she just isn't going to go there then you should just try to accept that. Why would you not be able to get erections in the future just because she doesn't grab it? I'm not seeing that part as a reason she should be interested in doing it, since thus far she hasn't. She knows you can get yourself going because you do. You will likely be able to in the future as well.

If you aren't comfortable enough yourself to talk out the whole issue with her, then your lack of assertiveness in this area has likely added to the problem. It sounds like you have talked a few times but that you never got an answer you felt was forthright, and it sounds like she does have an aversion but she cannot bear to say this to you because she knows it will be hurtful. So if you've never pushed past with this issue after she's shut you down by insisting she does touch it when soft, then she is very unlikely to believe this is that big of a deal to you at all if you try to get it out in the open now.

My advice is to do just that - get it out in the open, again - but with the understanding that you are hurt and mad about this for many years now...but she is likely unaware (which would include being in denial) that this is an issue that is bothering you so much. So if you let your frustration out at her when trying to discuss it again, she will feel righteous and indignant back at you and you won't get anywhere.

Instead, you should sit her down, explain calmly and lovingly that this has always been an issue for you, and that you would like her to either touch you more (at all, I guess) or explain why she cannot (without denying the problem). If she again tries to say "I do", you will have to calmly redirect her and explain that no, she doesn't, you cannot remember any time she ever has. She may deflect again, stay calm still, just realize that when you are pulling someone out of denial, they do not come out willingly or easily. They fight back at first. But calm, even speaking and just sticking to the facts will eventually bring them around, typically. Then she may finally tell you why she doesn't want to touch it, and she may even tell you she will not touch it going forward. Because when she finally admits she has an aversion, she may have a reason for it that is not going to change and that she will still not be willing to go there. You may just have to accept this, but at least you will have your answer.

I have a female friend whose boyfriend would never touch her vag, would never look at it directly, and would never go down on her. But he loved intercourse so they had an active sex life. She didn't notice at first that he would not touch it or anything but insert his penis inside of her...they were having fun with other foreplay and making out. When she would ask him to touch or go down, he at first would but then would stop after a short time, making an excuse or suddenly changing to doing some other sexual thing. When she would ask him about it later, he would insist he had no aversion and that he WAS looking at it, touching it, and going down on her.

She eventually had to get a calendar and chart their sexual activities, and then show it to him after a few months, proving that he had not touched, looked at or gone down on her once during that time. He couldn't believe it at first when she showed him...but after a few more talks....

Eventually, he told her that when he was very young an older girl forced herself on him, but didn't make him have intercourse, she just forced herself onto his face and forced his hands onto her. I guess the whole thing just icked him out, even more than making him feel violated. He ended up associating "vag" with his icked out feeling. But later he had a normal sexual life for the most part, and really enjoyed sex. He just couldn't look at a vag or put his face on one, if he did, he would not be able to stay aroused afterward. So he slowly learned the aversion behaviors with women he was with. He did not really even realize he had done this by the time he was with my friend, but they were very young and he had not had a lot of partners. Apparently, his previous partners liked the intercourse they were having and made no such complaints.

So please understand upfront, an aversion typically comes from a bad experience and you might find out something that she never wanted to speak about again. People handle trauma differently.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Worrying too much. Jmo


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

Run after her butt naked screaming, "TOUCH IT, TOUCH IT!"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She's either got some serious problems, or she's an absolute head case ~ no pun intended!*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife used to be like that. If I asked her to do anything she would tell me to get it hard first. Eventually I got her to understand that it does not get hard on its own anymore and that I can play with it anytime I want, so I would like her to do it for me. You are absolutely correct about what happens as you grow old. I ran into that when I turned 62 and now my wife will play with my flaccid penis but she is still very focused on my erection to the point that I get stressed out and that makes it even more difficult to get erect. I think we have it worked out now because I do not have to ask her anymore but she does make note of its condition all the time. I think many women view our erections as validation of their desirability and do not realize as we get older we do not come to full attention automatically.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

northernexposure said:


> My wife (of over 20 years) has never touched my flaccid penis....EVER....even before we were married. She waits for either me to do it, or for it to happen "naturally". She insists this isn't the case but it most certainly is and something that keeps on bugging me to this day. As we both get older it worries me that achieving and sustaining an erection is going to pose a challenge in the future because of this aversion she has......................Thoughts? Ideas?


Ask her.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Make a game of it. Give it a funny name when it's flaccid and talk about waking it up.

My w actually assumed I was always erect when we met. She just assumed that because I always was around her. I have no idea when she figured it out but we got a lot of laughs out of that. (Second year college and obviously both virgins)

These days I'm not erect 100% of the time and I like to talk about the worm and she defends "him" and gets him up.

I think your comfort with it will go a long way to creating a comfortable zone for her to meet the worm


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

northernexposure said:


> My wife (of over 20 years) has never touched my flaccid penis....EVER....even before we were married.


It is very likely that she had a traumatic experience. Perhaps she begged on of her first boyfriends or male friends (that was perhaps really not that into her) to let her try something, and no matter what she did he would not become erect. Or perhaps the first time she had a sexual experience her boyfriend got performance anxiety and went flaccid on her, she tried to help, he got embarrassed, and then became angry or something. 

Something like that could leave her devastated if it happened during one of her first experiences. 

Badsanta


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

It could be worse.

When I was in college I met this local girl and we were going to have sex. I was so "high" that I could not have an automatic hard on. I took my pants off and she looked at my flaccid penis. In shock, she said "what is wrong with it?" She was so turned off by a flaccid uncircumcised penis that she refused to proceed. She thought I was deformed. (before internet)


Kind of devastating to a 19 year old boy.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Weird that she won't touch it. I don't care if it's up, down or whatever...it's fun to touch!


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

prunus said:


> Weird that she won't touch it. I don't care if it's up, down or whatever...it's fun to touch!



And....my wife, finds it fun fun fun, to watch it, feel it on her body, have it in her hand, in her mouth, where ever, when I get hard! She does that stuff on purpose! "Time to wake that thing up!.....Let-me-do-it-let me-do-it!"

Yes....weird! To both of us anyway.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Telling OP that his problems aren't really problems isn't helpful. I can think of worse things than being in a drawn-out sexless marriage, like having your head sawed off by terrorists. Doesn't make your problem any less of a problem just by comparing it to a bigger problem. 

OP--my wife is the same way. It's like her hands are broken when we get into bed. I have no suggestions beyond talking to her and trying to make her understand your point of view. It's up to her whether she wants to play (with) ball.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

badsanta said:


> It is very likely that she had a traumatic experience. Perhaps she begged on of her first boyfriends or male friends (that was perhaps really not that into her) to let her try something, and no matter what she did he would not become erect. Or perhaps the first time she had a sexual experience her boyfriend got performance anxiety and went flaccid on her, she tried to help, he got embarrassed, and then became angry or something.
> 
> Something like that could leave her devastated if it happened during one of her first experiences.
> 
> Badsanta


I think this is a very good point for consideration. I don't avoid my partner's flaccid penis but in the beginning I was always nervous about it. I would worry that my attempts to get it erect would fail miserably. While probably wouldn't be a big deal for my partner, I know I would be incredibly embarrassed if that happened. It would imply that I could not turn my partner on and make me feel less sexy and confident.


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> I think this is a very good point for consideration. I don't avoid my partner's flaccid penis but in the beginning I was always nervous about it. I would worry that my attempts to get it erect would fail miserably. While probably wouldn't be a big deal for my partner, I know I would be incredibly embarrassed if that happened. It would imply that I could not turn my partner on and make me feel less sexy and confident.


This should not be thought of as failure, by any means, ever. Lots going on that can effect things for a guy. Where you are, feeling secure & unseen, etc etc, that have nothing to do with the heat of the moment. 
Especially true, as we get older. Going "SPROING!" doesn't happen so fast in our 60's, as it did in our 20's. Very important to get a grip....so to speak....on that!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> I think this is a very good point for consideration. I don't avoid my partner's flaccid penis but in the beginning I was always nervous about it. I would worry that my attempts to get it erect would fail miserably. While probably wouldn't be a big deal for my partner, I know I would be incredibly embarrassed if that happened. It would imply that I could not turn my partner on and make me feel less sexy and confident.





Lurkster said:


> This should not be thought of as failure, by any means, ever. Lots going on that can effect things for a guy. Where you are, feeling secure & unseen, etc etc, that have nothing to do with the heat of the moment.
> Especially true, as we get older. Going "SPROING!" doesn't happen so fast in our 60's, as it did in our 20's. Very important to get a grip....so to speak....on that!


This is likely inappropriate to share here but I remember in college when my girlfriend would perform oral that the experience felt so much better while flaccid. She could easily accommodate me into her mouth and everything felt so soft and wonderful. As soon as I got fully erect, she could not help but to scrape/pinch me with her teeth and it was very uncomfortable. During those moments I actually wished I could stay flaccid.

I am sharing this to help some women understand that men can experience what is called "sexual non concurrence." This is when the mind and body experience different things. So the lack of a physical erection does NOT always signify lack of mental arousal. 

Badsanta


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@UMP brought up a good possibility for her aversion. OP, are you circumcised? 

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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I am sharing this to help some women understand that men can experience what is called "sexual non concurrence." This is when the mind and body experience different things. So the lack of a physical erection does NOT always signify lack of mental arousal.
> 
> Badsanta


Didn't know it had a name....but yeah....that's it!!! And....my point!!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lila said:


> @UMP brought up a good possibility for her aversion. OP, are you circumcised?


 @Lila for real, is an uncircumcised penis really that awkward to some women?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

badsanta said:


> This is likely inappropriate to share here but I remember in college when my girlfriend would perform oral that the experience felt so much better while flaccid. She could easily accommodate me into her mouth and everything felt so soft and wonderful. As soon as I got fully erect, she could not help but to scrape/pinch me with her teeth and it was very uncomfortable. During those moments I actually wished I could stay flaccid.
> 
> I am sharing this to help some women understand that men can experience what is called "sexual non concurrence." This is when the mind and body experience different things. So the lack of a physical erection does NOT always signify lack of mental arousal.
> 
> Badsanta



Ooooooo weeee, is that so? This opens up a lot of questions to ask the hubby. Thanks!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @Lila for real, is an uncircumcised penis really that awkward to some women?


I'm sure ump's former girlfriend is not the only woman who has that particular preference. 

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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Many women like to be non-sexual merely because they can get away with it. They don't want sex, they don't want to touch it or anything.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @Lila for real, is an uncircumcised penis really that awkward to some women?


An uncircumcised penis with foreskin that can't roll back beyond the head, YES. The first penis I saw was like that. Needless to say that was the last time. I couldn't help wonder what in the world was underneath that foreskin beyond the head. That can't be healthy, must be years of gunk under there.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Keke24 said:


> Ooooooo weeee, is that so? This opens up a lot of questions to ask the hubby. Thanks!


For women the experience can be getting very wet when you are not even aroused, or being extremely aroused without getting wet. The mind and body do not always agree on everything at the same time, sometimes one or the other is slow to react. The research I read on this was meant to encourage women to enjoy being aroused even if they experience problems with natural lubrication.

Men that have ED (from what I understand) can reach orgasm and really enjoy it while completely flaccid.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Many women like to be non-sexual merely because they can get away with it. They don't want sex, they don't want to touch it or anything.


It's certainly not just women.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> Eventually I got her to understand that it does not get hard on its own anymore and that *I can play with it anytime I want*, so I would like her to do it for me.


Great line!



Vinnydee said:


> I think many women view our erections as validation of their desirability and do not realize as we get older we do not come to full attention automatically.


Yep. Getting a young guy to have an erection isn't quite the trick they think it is.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

northernexposure said:


> My wife (of over 20 years) has never touched my flaccid penis....EVER............
> ................ As we both get older it worries me that achieving and sustaining an erection is going to pose a challenge in the future because of this aversion she has......................Thoughts? Ideas?


A few thoughts. After 20 years, she is likely never going to change. You can't expect that you can change her.

You have really three choices. 

You can explain to her your concerns and explain that as your grow older a typical male needs greater arousal. She can provide that arousal (IF SHE WANTS TO) in a variety of ways such as visual stimulation (outfits, positions, etc.), aural stimulation (dirty talking, sweat talking you, etc.) mental stimulation (doing things during the day or while in bed to mentally stimulate your body, or maybe role-playing), or physically stimulating you (using her hands or other parts of her body). Ask her which if any of these the two of you try out together. 

If she says she is willing to do none, then your three choices are:

(1) stay for as long as you are emotionally able to and figure out how to get the self-stimulation you need. May I suggest getting a **** ring as it will cause and prolong an erection. You need to become comfortable putting on yourself prior to or during sex. An alternative to auto stimulation would be talk to a doctor about medications such a Viagra and if they are appropriate for you. 

(2) Tell her that sex is important to you and if she will not provide you with any foreplay you view it as a sign that either you aren't that important to her, she is angry with you, she has some inhibitions that are seriously threatening your marriage, or that she is a lazy lover that won't supply any foreplay. In any event tell her that you want to go to marriage counseling or better yet a sex therapist as you will not stay in a sexless marriage and you really want to save your marriage rather than end it.

(3) learn to live without sex.

good luck.


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