# dating/marrying a longtime friend



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

does this type of dynamic tend to produce better results? Now I'm not talking about those that say their spouse is their "best friend," as many do in their marriages regardless of background. I'm talking about those that ended up falling in love with and marrying someone with whom they had had a strong foundation of friendship with for a long time prior to dating. Obviously there are plenty of people who weren't longtime friends before marriage and were still successful, but not focusing on that right now 

I've never done this prior. Every relationship I've had had the main purpose of moving towards dating. Maybe we casually talked for a couple months before establishing anything official and it somewhat mimicked a friendship, but I would categorize that as more of a crush moving towards a relationship. For the first time I am experiencing love with someone I have known for several years and have had a completely separate friendship with during that time. It's a new experience and I'm already seeing so many positives to this type of dynamic, like a deep sense of trust.

So, anyone marry someone with whom they had a friendship with already? Lets say... you were friends with them for at least 2 years or more prior. Does this tend to create healthier relationships? Something perhaps about already having strong compatibility to create a solid friendship before anything romantic occurred? Lots in common? Good communication? Or long term friendship heightens the likelihood of long term marriage? anyways, I think I got my point across. Thoughts? Personal stories?

ETA: or a good friend you knew and reconnected with after a divorce also


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Since I can't be "friends" with someone I constantly want to bend over the kitchen table, No.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

A good friendship is the foundation of a healthy marriage, but keep in mind that friendship and physical attraction can be very independent from one another. You could always have a conversation with your friend about this very topic and see where it goes.

To be honest with you, any females that I have been friends with growing up are people I can't not even imagine myself ever trying to be romantic or sexual with in any way. Just the thought of it comes across like my favorite soda that instead of cold and fizzy is warm and flat.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I tend to think not, for the reason that they were't THAT attractive to you to begin with.

I do believe people can 'grow on you' but almost always when you have the serious hots for someone, it is apparent within the first few meetings. This 'hotness' will often last your lifetime and carry you through even tough times.

isnt to say there aren't some successful friend marriages out there, but your question was do they make the best marriages and I think not.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think it is very sweet, and it is a nice idea, but why would you want to tie yourself to a man for whom you have no physical attraction? Is it really fair of you to do that to him? 

I want a wife who wants to tear my clothes off whenever she's around me. Having coffee together on the patio in Sunday mornings is sweet. Going to museums and farmers markets is fun couples stuff. But I want a woman who will do that and who also can't keep her hands off me. That's what every man wants.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I was friends with my H for a year or two before we started a relationship. I didn't think of him romantically at the time because I was in a relationship and I have strong emotional boundaries. As soon as I broke up with my bf, my H asked me out, and the rest, as they say, is history.

We have been married for 32+ years after dating for 5 years. The first time we had sex, i thought I'd been hit by lightning. It was like I'd never had sex before, that's how crazy the chemistry was. I literally went home the next day & lay in bed for a few hours in a stupor. LOL.

So, you can have extremely great sexual/romantic chemistry with someone you thought of as a friend.

I will say, though, that I believe that this is completely a woman's perspective. I think the man in question is not really thinking of the relationship as 'just friends.' My H told me later that he was pretty intent on us getting together right from the start. He called my then-bf 'just a speed bump.'


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I don't see why it wouldn't work well. It doesn't seem like too big a leap to move from appreciating someone from afar to wanting to experience them up close and personal. I would just think you want to move slowly.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

badsanta said:


> A good friendship is the foundation of a healthy marriage, but keep in mind that friendship and physical attraction can be very independent from one another. You could always have a conversation with your friend about this very topic and see where it goes.
> 
> To be honest with you, any females that I have been friends with growing up are people I can't not even imagine myself ever trying to be romantic or sexual with in any way. Just the thought of it comes across like my favorite soda that instead of cold and fizzy is warm and flat.
> 
> ...





jorgegene said:


> I tend to think not, for the reason that they were't THAT attractive to you to begin with.
> 
> I do believe people can 'grow on you' but almost always when you have the serious hots for someone, it is apparent within the first few meetings. This 'hotness' will often last your lifetime and carry you through even tough times.
> 
> isnt to say there aren't some successful friend marriages out there, but your question was do they make the best marriages and I think not.





bandit.45 said:


> I think it is very sweet, and it is a nice idea, but why would you want to tie yourself to a man for whom you have no physical attraction? Is it really fair of you to do that to him?
> 
> I want a wife who wants to tear my clothes off whenever she's around me. Having coffee together on the patio in Sunday mornings is sweet. Going to museums and farmers markets is fun couples stuff. But I want a woman who will do that and who also can't keep her hands off me. That's what every man wants.


whoa I never said I wasn't attracted to him! But I can see where that deduction would be made by those above, and applicable to many similar situations. I didn't think of explaining that in the OP, but it's a little different for my situation, I knew this person after I was married. So an attraction assessment on that level was never made prior to the divorce. Explained more below 



alte Dame said:


> *I was friends with my H for a year or two before we started a relationship. I didn't think of him romantically at the time because I was in a relationship and I have strong emotional boundaries. As soon as I broke up with my bf, my H asked me out, and the rest, as they say, is history.*
> 
> We have been married for 32+ years after dating for 5 years. The first time we had sex, i thought I'd been hit by lightning. It was like I'd never had sex before, that's how crazy the chemistry was. I literally went home the next day & lay in bed for a few hours in a stupor. LOL.
> 
> ...


yeah, this was more of the type of situation I was thinking of, and more of my current situation. I never "friendzoned" them per se... just was happily married at some point, and they became my friend during that period. Now the marriage is over, and feelings grew between us. So it's the first time I've dated a true already established friend. Wondering if it will be a better foundation than what I've had in the past. It's new to me to begin things like this! But I like it a lot so far.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I first met my GF 15 years ago, she was one of my closest friend's cousin. There were certain circumstances that us from dating back then. We remained friendly over the years, but weren't really close that much. Then 2.5 years ago we came back into each others lives at a time when the previous circumstances were no longer applicable.

I had to weigh if I was ready to risk jeopardizing our casual friendship to find out what was there romantically, so I did, and it worked out for the best - if OTOH my attraction was only one-way, or there was no chemistry that would have led to a relationship, what would have become of the friendship? Likely would have created an awkward tension between us which would have kept us away from each other, effectively terminating the friendship.

I was willing to risk that for even just one date with her. Had she been a friend that was more dear and closer to me all that time I don't think I'd have pulled a trigger - but the circumstances would probably have been entirely different for me and I wouldn't have had to make a big critical choice so much as just put my heart and soul into the relationship we may have had.

So I think your actions really depend on what kind of relationship you currently have and what it potentially may be. I think it is perfectly possible that "falling in love" is something that was waiting on a shelf to ripen, but no guarantees. I think many other people avoid over-ripening too, but neither my GF nor I were too worried about that, we both felt that if the timing was right and we had a sniff we'd just know. We weren't ready for each other back then, and each of us changed a lot before we eventually were.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I married my best friend the first time around. It worked very well (ups/downs included) until he had an identity crisis. He was not really what I'd call my partner because he would frequently avoid allowing me to be a part of his life. Likewise, he didn't want to be part of mine. It was a "you do your thing, I'll do mine" relationship, where we treated each other as confidantes while growing up in the world. 

My current SO isn't my friend, but my partner. I've not been this intimately bonded to any previous partner, my ex H included. I prefer things this way, and was sad my first marriage didn't have this sort of emotional closeness and investment. 

The difference between friend and partner (for me) is like night and day.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hmmm, interesting, thanks for those that have shared so far  I never thought about the term "friend" being so loaded and differing, but I can obviously see that now. Clearly that word can mean so many different things and circumstances! I think of the guy friends I had long before I was married and chose not to date, and yeah I can see that being strange. And needing to weigh whether or not it was worth the risk of the friendship. With this person being someone who came into my life after marriage, that assessment of whether or not we were compatible in that way was just not on my radar. Separating and divorcing from my husband was what brought this to light. Perhaps if I had met this person when I was single from the get go, there would not have been this multiple year friendship. It may have just gone straight to a relationship, and not had this foundation. Though I am sort of glad that wasn't the case... we were both different people several years ago... situations and getting older I think I have further aided in our compatibility. We're able to see growth in one another. I love dating as an "older" person in my now 30s. I got married very young and had different standards and thought processes. This time around I am more firm on my wants and needs and what I need from a relationship. I feel blessed to have this friend turn into love. Anyways... I am extremely happy


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Adeline said:


> hmmm, interesting, thanks for those that have shared so far  I never thought about the term "friend" being so loaded and differing, but I can obviously see that now. Clearly that word can mean so many different things and circumstances! I think of the guy friends I had long before I was married and chose not to date, and yeah I can see that being strange. And needing to weigh whether or not it was worth the risk of the friendship. With this person being someone who came into my life after marriage, that assessment of whether or not we were compatible in that way was just not on my radar. Separating and divorcing from my husband was what brought this to light. Perhaps if I had met this person when I was single from the get go, there would not have been this multiple year friendship. It may have just gone straight to a relationship, and not had this foundation. Though I am sort of glad that wasn't the case... we were both different people several years ago... situations and getting older I think I have further aided in our compatibility. We're able to see growth in one another. I love dating as an "older" person in my now 30s. I got married very young and had different standards and thought processes. This time around I am more firm on my wants and needs and what I need from a relationship. I feel blessed to have this friend turn into love. Anyways... I am extremely happy


I became good friends with a young lady that lived in my apartment complex. We would do "buddy" things together. We would hang out. Make jokes. Laugh about the other's dates. It was totally platonic. 

Fast forward 2 1/2 years. We were sitting on her sofa talking and it was like a switch went off. A light bulb appeared over both our heads at the same time. Neither of us had experienced such passion (and dare I say lust) for another person. It was almost mystical.

Fast forward four decades. We have made love together. Cried together, laughed together, raised kids and now grand kids together. We have suffered cancer together. Survived together.

We will spend our 39th anniversary this Fall in Tuscany.

We will do friend things.

We will do husband and wife things.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Our experience has been 23 years of friendship, 2 years together. There is good and bad. I've learned that no matter how long you have been friends, dating is totally different. We argue quite a bit but we also have a lot of blended family stresses. Kids that don't get along, too many kids and feeling that we don't get enough time with each, I work two part time jobs, he works one very stressful full time job, renovating a huge old house, dealing with crazy exes. The good news is, we have been attracted to each other for 25 years so that isn't likely to change at this point.


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