# Sex is Work-I know it's long



## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

I know this is long winded but this is the first time I've really talked about this at all...

Ok so my wife and I just hit our first year of marriage, we have a son who's 1 and a daughter that's 4 mths. We are both military. And for the most part happy, except in the one place I personally think we should be......the bedroom. I know some may think that's not that big of a deal but here's the kicker we're only 24! Myself and my wife's already diminishing sex life has been getting progressively worse. I should probably give a little back story.

My wife and I started dating a few years back but we split up, she then got pregnant with our son and we decided to give it another try. Things were going pretty good for the most part, then we decided to get married and that it seems is when the trouble started.

From then on we'd have sex maybe once per month. Then she became pregnant with our daughter. While she was pregnant I found my wife even more attractive. But alas to no avail I can literally count on 1 hand how many times we made love while she was pregnant.

After our daughter was born I thought things would get better. Well the only change was my wife could drink again which seemed to be the only time she wanted to have sex with me. I think then is when I subconsciously started drinking more often with her in order to experience some sort of intimacy. This was also the only time she could let loose and truly enjoy I guess. 

Even when we do have sex it's very mundane and is almost down to a sort of ritual. Which consists of her asking me if I want to have sex (which is also a rarity) or be asking (which is the only way she actually accepts), we go take a shower, we get out dry off we get in bed, she plays on her phone for a minute (which I hate since by then I feel like a dog waiting for dinner), then I try to kiss her (which she more often then not turns away from), then we have sex, missionary, no moaning from her or anything then we finish and go shower again.

I've tried to talk to her about it and always seem to get the same response "why does everything have to be about sex". She's told me that sex to her just seems like one more thing added on to the list of things to do and it's not high at all on her to do list. There are tv shows that are higher on the list. 

I'm at whits end and don't know what to do. The most we talked about it was a week ago when we took a road trip she just said she's just not in the mood. PLEASE HELP!!!

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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

DesperateHusband89 said:


> I know this is long winded but this is the first time I've really talked about this at all...
> 
> Ok so my wife and I just hit our first year of marriage, we have a son who's 1 and a daughter that's 4 mths. We are both military. And for the most part happy, except in the one place I personally think we should be......the bedroom. I know some may think that's not that big of a deal but here's the kicker we're only 24! Myself and my wife's already diminishing sex life has been getting progressively worse. I should probably give a little back story.
> 
> ...


If you both have very physical jobs in the military - and still have to participate in PT - PLUS are both parenting two children under 5 - I'm surprised that you both are not complaining of complete and utter exhaustion. I used to work for the government and lived in a military town, and all my friends were military. We also all had young children and my youngest was 4, so my friend set ended up being couples with children under the age of five because I was coaching soccer and doing pre-k stuff. We all lived in the same neighborhood and socialized heavily on the weekends (god, I miss that!).

Those people were TIRED. We were all tired. We would get together and drink ourselves under the table socially each weekend, and then we would walk back to our respective houses and pass the heck out. We would even do a switch off - we would host at one home until bedtime, and one spouse would come over and stay for adult time between 9PM-1AM and then the other would come between 1-4am. We had a lot of fun this way. Or we would put all the kids to bed at the house where we were socializing, then carry them home at the end of the night (usually on an easier night). 

We had a lot of adult talk and my friend, you are not alone. The drive is there, but people are hard worked and can be very tired. Sometimes, I was surprised when another wifey would get pregnant - one got pregnant on an IUD just before a deployment (of course, that is when people get lonely and begin to anticipate missing each other) - the husband said his swimmers were just that motivated! haha! 

Back to your issue: if you have a way to help take some of the pressure away from your wife - do it. She is probably just as overwhelmed as you are, and lack of sex is compounding your sense of pressure. We all say help out around the house, but if you can take the kids for a while in the evening, that might help her out a ton. Just taking over something like tooth brushing can be a stress reliever for the wife. On another note outside the home - I honestly think that having more of a social life (see above) helped us. It was an outlet. Go out and have more friends (mutual) and spend time with them. More mutual interests helps bonding. It gives you stuff to talk about in private. Talk to her. Hold her. Have something to laugh about regarding the kids - it can be just a playgroup or something (ours at the time was soccer coaching - I could write a book about that). Bond. Bond. Bond.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Couple of things.

Is your life with your wife fun and happy?

Given the background you describe where she keeps accidentally getting pregnant, is your wife confident that you love her? Or is your marriage just two people doing the right thing becuase she accidently became pregnant?

Do not minimize your need for sex... That indicates you are being managed by your wife to think you are wrong, perverted, everything is about sex... Embrace who you are and how you are made so you begin to have the personal confidence to accept nothing less than what you deserve in a marriage.

If your wife is "giving" you sex in the manner you describe, I know this is hard but you should reject it. Initiate sex in the way you want it and if you get rejected so be it... If she is acting not into it tell her you have no interst in sex with someone of this attitude and literlly stop in the middle.

If you accept a table scrap, that's all you will get.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> So, here's the deal, and you just need to understand it. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you how it is from a woman's perspective.
> 
> When you are a mom with two little children at home under the age of one - or even children under the age of 3 or 4, they take ALL of your energy. All day long, you are dealing with feeding or breastfeeding, kids hanging off of you or babies in arms, laundry, diapers, trying to keep the hide clean. You are basically in survival mode. You are up allll night with those little ones and are more exhausted than you will ever be in your life.
> 
> ...


This is 100% true and you should follow this advice to the T. She will probably even begin to initiate.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

4 mo and 1 year, plus full time physical job = exhaustion. How much child care do you handle? Often men get wrapped up in sex but statistics show that the majority of child rearing is still done by women, even when both work full time. Just want to rule this out.
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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

I think I must be a freak cos I have two kids, one and three and still want sex but I have to settle for once a week at the most and I climb the walls 

What is she doing on her phone before you have sex, I find that very odd


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

HeartFullOfLove said:


> So, here's the deal, and you just need to understand it. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling you how it is from a woman's perspective.
> 
> When you are a mom with two little children at home under the age of one - or even children under the age of 3 or 4, they take ALL of your energy. All day long, you are dealing with feeding or breastfeeding, kids hanging off of you or babies in arms, laundry, diapers, trying to keep the hide clean. You are basically in survival mode. You are up allll night with those little ones and are more exhausted than you will ever be in your life.
> 
> ...


I'm not buyiny it. shes has been this way the whole relationship.....It ain't likley to change. seems to me she just ain't into you.


I would stop having sex and tell her if she wants to work on the marriage and go to counceling to get to the bottom if it then ok.If she declines theres your answer. she like having a family with all the cool stuff that goes along with it but she just don't love you.

JMHO


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I agree this is way more involved than she has young babies and is not in the mood.

It's bioligically natural for a woman not to be in the mood for sex when there are babies around... This is so that she can focus on the new baby and not have too many babies all at once...

But it's not bioloically natural to be rude to your husband and play with a cell phone right before sex.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

It may be that she has always been this way. But even if she were a different way before, this is still how she would be now. I agree that the phone thing seems dismissive and rude. But my question is - what were you doing before the kids to initiate sex? Did you ever show her love without anything expected in return? Did you show her loving affection? If not, then it is no wonder she never seemed that interested.
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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jeepgirl29 said:


> We were all tired. We would get together and drink ourselves under the table socially each weekend, and then we would walk back to our respective houses and pass the heck out. We would even do a switch off - we would host at one home until bedtime, and one spouse would come over and stay for adult time between 9PM-1AM and then the other would come between 1-4am.


Seriously? If my wife claimed that she was too tired for sex with me, but she could find enough energy to party each weekend until 4am, there would be hell to pay.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My wife had an 18 mo son when we married...Got pregnant immediately...

We had sex virtually every day during her pregnancy....We had sex at 10:30 at night and her water broke at 2:30 AM....

After 5 weeks, we started having sex again, and had sex at least once every day for the next 12-14 years.......

No I am not exaggerating....

Your wife is LD, and may have other problems...It is not natural for young couples to sleep in the same bed and NOT have sex....Something is wrong....

Lots of women will make excuses, say that keeping up with young children is just too much for a woman, but no woman could have done a better job of raising kids than my wife, and she ALWAYS had time and enthusiasm for sex with her husband....Your wife does not see it as a priority....

During that time, I was doing factory work...Pulling 90 lb. rolls of roofing off a conveyor and stacking them on pallets 8 hours a day...If the 2nd shift guy called in sick I worked a double.....After a day like that I was nothing but a pile of sweat and gristle....

When I got home from work I was worn out, my wife always had a hot meal on the table and a loving attitude. She appreciated what I was doing to keep a roof over our heads, and showed it. We were never too worn out for sex...

When we married I was 19 and she was 21....Been together 47 years...

the woodchuck


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

DesperateHusband89 said:


> Ok so my wife and I just hit our first year of marriage, we have a son who's 1 and a daughter that's 4 mths.


It's possible that your wife's libido issues are due to pregnancy and child birth. It can take up to a year after giving birth for a woman's body to return to normal. So, if she was pregnant, then gave birth, then got pregnant again quickly, and gave birth only 4 months ago, her body isn't back to its pre-pregnancy state yet. So there is hope that she hasn't just permanently shut down on you.



> She's told me that sex to her just seems like one more thing added on to the list of things to do and it's not high at all on her to do list. There are tv shows that are higher on the list.


That attitude is unacceptable. It's understandable that she could be tired and not want sex. But telling you that your physical needs are a lower priority to her than tv shows is just being a cold-hearted b!tch.

Your wife is comfortable refusing to provide for your needs. So you need to make her less comfortable. A good rule of thumb I saw posted here is that a wife should feel safe having sex with her husband and she should feel unsafe denying her husband sex.

Make yourself more attractive. Man up. And then tell your wife that her refusal to consider your needs will not stand. Either she behaves as a wife should, or she faces the consequences.

Check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information.

Good luck.


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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Well I could understand if it we actually spent all night up with the kids, they both sleep through the night. We both get home around 4 the kids go to bed at 6 we have plenty of time. I think what hurts the most is that there are moments when I look at her and just want to throw her down and have my way she doesn't feel like that not to mention she doesn't really like affection

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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Playing games or looking at fb

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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It sounds like she wasn't into it before. You split up (you don't say why) but the first pregnancy (and maybe the second) was the hook to keep you around. I get the impression she's with you for some reason other than love.


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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

When she was with her previous bf she said she had Sex almost everyday with them

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## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

I don't buy the being tired excuse. 

I've been in the army and it is not as physically demanding as people think, especially for a woman. Depending on your specialty, your workload might be no different than your typical 9 to 5 office job.

Some specialties are more physically demanding but nowhere near for example, construction worker levels.

Besides, even if you have the most tiring job in the whole world, it is your duty as a spouse to find the energy and time for your significant other.

The OP's wife is just a cake-eater. She enjoys the benefits of marriage but doesn't want to put up with the responsibilities.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I agree with Heart, I remember feeling that same way when my children were that young.

However - you have every right to work on the sex.part of your marriage. Perhaps you could exchange some quantity for quality as a compromise. 

Is it her idea to shower before and after sex? Is she having O?


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Was your second child a preemie? With kids at 1 year and 4 months, there's only eight months between birth of first and birth of second.

Did you use any type of protection after child 1? Were you trying for #2? Given your level of frequency for sex, we can draw the conclusion that you are either very fertile or very lucky/unlucky (depending on your family-building aspirations). If she's worried about #3 pregancy happening, could that be a contributing reason to the distance?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

MarriedTex said:


> Was your second child a preemie? With kids at 1 year and 4 months, there's only eight months between birth of first and birth of second.


I doubt he means that his 1 year-old is exactly 12 months. He's probably referring to an 18 month-old as a 1 year-old. Pregnancies only 8 months apart don't happen often, unless you're Irish.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife is exhausted from working and raising 2 very young children. I hate to say this, but nearly most women do put sex on the back burner being a mother of a newborn to toddler. 

Also, she's not kissing you because you are not meeting her needs and she is not emotionally connected to you. You need to reconnect emotionally with your wife.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He says tv shows have more importance than his needs and sex.

This goes deeper than babies and being tired.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is exhausted from working and raising 2 very young children. I hate to say this, but nearly most women do put sex on the back burner being a mother of a newborn to toddler.
> 
> Also, she's not kissing you because you are not meeting her needs and she is not emotionally connected to you. You need to reconnect emotionally with your wife.


I do find it interesting that women are taken to task for not meeting mens sexual needs much more then men are for not meeting womens emotional needs. Men being denied any amount of sex is unacceptable and grounds for divorce but if a woman leaves because her emotional needs aren't being met she's a waw that must be having an affair. Even if she does have sex in order to "meet his needs" she must also be completely into it or else she doesn't love or respect him, and that's also unacceptable. And of course if she gets her emotional needs met elsewhere she's having an emotional affair and he must go nuclear, otherwise he's not a man. It's a tough time for all with very young kids, everyone's gotta sacrifice a little for a little while.
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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Yea he turns 2 nov 1st

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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is exhausted from working and raising 2 very young children. I hate to say this, but nearly most women do put sex on the back burner being a mother of a newborn to toddler.
> 
> Also, she's not kissing you because you are not meeting her needs and she is not emotionally connected to you. You need to reconnect emotionally with your wife.


I've tried and for the most part the kids spend a lot of time with me. I take them to daycare pick them up, feed them bathe them and play with them till bed time. Right now my daughter is teething so her and I sleep in the living room so my wife can sleep and I wake up when she gets fussy.

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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:
> 
> 
> > Your wife is exhausted from working and raising 2 very young children. I hate to say this, but nearly most women do put sex on the back burner being a mother of a newborn to toddler.
> ...


She's told me that she's had sex with me before pretty much in order to shut me up. Currently we haven't had sex since she was 4 months preg with my 4 month old daughter. The worse for me is that she gets mad and frowns upon self pleasure.

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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is exhausted from working and raising 2 very young children. I hate to say this, but nearly most women do put sex on the back burner being a mother of a newborn to toddler.
> 
> Also, she's not kissing you because you are not meeting her needs and she is not emotionally connected to you. You need to reconnect emotionally with your wife.


But thats just it I do mostly everything with them, i get them dressed in the am, i take them to daycare, i feed them, bathe them, play with them till its time for bed and right now since my daughter is teething her and I sleep in the living room so my wife can sleep through the night, I usually get about 3 hrs of sleep but I still want my wife as much as I always have. The worse thing is probably the fact that we havent had sex since she was 4 months pregnant with my now 4 month old daughter. And she hates the idea of self pleasure.


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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> I think I must be a freak cos I have two kids, one and three and still want sex but I have to settle for once a week at the most and I climb the walls
> 
> What is she doing on her phone before you have sex, I find that very odd


Usually shes browsing facebook or something. And I definitely envy your hubby lol.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Does she enjoy sex


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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Does she enjoy sex


She says she does and she had sex a lot before we got together, but when we got together we were both trying not to have sex immediately. But after that it was semi ok. But in all honesty I dont know if she does now.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Do you ever talk about sex, does she ever say what she likes in bed 

Do you ever do things as a couple


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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Do you ever talk about sex, does she ever say what she likes in bed
> 
> Do you ever do things as a couple


I bring it up on occasion but she says thats all things are with me so i usually just drop it, and she says she doesnt know what she likes in bed


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Have you talked about going to marriage counciling


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## DesperateHusband89 (Jun 28, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Have you talked about going to marriage counciling


Yea we have and to little achievement.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Does she put anything into your marriage


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That is really unfair of her to both withhold sex for months at a time AND expect no masturbation. Seriously! Nobody but monks should have to deal with that situation. (In my opinion.)


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

This is not about being a tired mom. She is just selfish, period. She has time and energy to play on Facebook and on her phone. She has time to watch her favorite TV shows. But she doesn't have time to have sex with her husband? She flat out *told* you that you are a lower priority than her shows? That's got to hurt.  I'm sorry. It's unacceptable what she's doing. It sounds like she is taking you for granted, and you do way more of the work around the house than she does.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sigh- I'm not jumping to conclusions nor at the moment do I think so but... who does she interact with on facebook or with her cell phone do you have all her passwords? Again I just think she is selfish and you are not sticking up for yourself but please rule out someone else check phone records, facebook and all that so you can rule that out. Just a suggestion don't hang me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No sex and she says not to masturbate? I would have laughed in her face.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I think the phone is an avoidance measure.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow, a 4 month old, a one year old (whether its 12, 15, 18 or 20 months, doesn't matter- all exhausting), and a full time job? Ouch.

I am HD. However, after I gave birth to my 9 month old, I had NO drive at all. It's like it just vanished. It actually scared the crap out of me. I've never experienced that before. And it lasted until about 1 months ago. I went through the notions for my H, most of the time, but sometimes it just felt unbearable to have to do one more thing before I could sleep. Again, not normal for me at all. So it was a combination of hormones and exhaustion.

My H was patient with me. He sometimes would just lay there and stroke my hair when he sensed it was just too much for me.

Had he whined on and on incessantly about his neeeeeds or handled it like some of the previous posters suggested, I would never have recovered, at least for him. Im better now-- I wouldn't say my drive is as high as it was before the baby, or even during the pregnancy, but it's several times a week and slowly improving. 

Can you talk to her gently about it- express concern for her feelings too, as you explain your own? Tell her it's the glue that will hold you together. The TV and facebook are probably her way of just checking out. 

That being said, your kids go to bed at 6 pm and sleep all night? That's kind of incredible.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I do find it interesting that women are taken to task for not meeting mens sexual needs much more then men are for not meeting womens emotional needs.


You expect a thread where a father who does the majority of the childcare, only gets 3 hours of sleep a night, his wife has refused to have sex with him for the last 9 months, AND she insists that he abstain from satisfying himself to spend time advising him on how to better serve his wife? Wow. I'm pretty brazen, but even I don't have the stones for that.



> Men being denied any amount of sex is unacceptable and grounds for divorce but if a woman leaves because her emotional needs aren't being met she's a waw that must be having an affair.


Good point. I think most wives who abandon their families were obviously forced into it by their abusive husbands. I've certainly never known women to be selfish or self-absorbed in any way.



> Even if she does have sex in order to "meet his needs" she must also be completely into it or else she doesn't love or respect him, and that's also unacceptable.


Good point. How dare these men not accept their wives hating them with their vaginas as a loving act? I mean, a wife can love her husband AND roll her eyes while having sex, right? Men can be so touchy and feminine sometimes.



> And of course if she gets her emotional needs met elsewhere she's having an emotional affair and he must go nuclear, otherwise he's not a man.


I know. Women having emotional affairs really do get a bad rap here. I mean, I don't recall anything in the marriage vows about "forsaking all others," do you?



> It's a tough time for all with very young kids, everyone's gotta sacrifice a little for a little while.


Especially men. I think we can both agree that, if a man's wife isn't happy, well he must not be serving her diligently enough. Just double down on the service and do more for her. If she takes advantage of you, well that's her prerogative.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Had he whined on and on incessantly about his neeeeeds or handled it like some of the previous posters suggested, I would never have recovered, at least for him.


To be fair, I very much doubt that you withheld sex from your husband for months at a time, insisted that he not masturbate, and told him that he was less important than some TV shows. If you had behaved like that, it's very likely that your husband would have been very hurt and would have been very justified in jerking a knot in your tail.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wouldn't be at all concerned about her disapproval of "self-pleasure" if I were you. What does she think you are going to do? Magically become as low drive as she appears to be and that would solve all her problems?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You expect a thread where a father who does the majority of the childcare, only gets 3 hours of sleep a night, his wife has refused to have sex with him for the last 9 months, AND she insists that he abstain from satisfying himself to spend time advising him on how to better serve his wife? Wow. I'm pretty brazen, but even I don't have the stones for that.
> 
> 
> Good point. I think most wives who abandon their families were obviously forced into it by their abusive husbands. I've certainly never known women to be selfish or self-absorbed in any way.
> ...


:rofl:

Mr. Lump, I read your quote 9 times, and begin to question my ability to comprehend English, as they're totally counter to what I expected you to say. Then I watched Sascha Baron Cohen film on DVD, and then I realized that you were saying things in parody  Nice one sir!


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

She basically needs to be drunk to have sex and showers before and after? She is clearly feeling shame or dirty about sex. I think she needs to get some professional help to work through her attitudes about it.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Cwtchbunny said:


> I think I must be a freak cos I have two kids, one and three and still want sex but I have to settle for once a week at the most and I climb the walls
> 
> What is she doing on her phone before you have sex, I find that very odd


 I am the same. I have a 4 year old and i am currently pregnant, granted for the first couple of months i am pregnant i want nothing to do with sex, all the damn hormones. Which is a huge change for me.. I am ALWAYS the one who chases my husband around the house with a club, so to speak! 

I have to say it is a nice break from wanting sex all the time and not getting it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

FemBot said:


> She basically needs to be drunk to have sex and showers before and after? She is clearly feeling shame or dirty about sex. I think she needs to get some professional help to work through her attitudes about it.


It's a good thing to wash before sex. It prevents undesireable odor buildups. If you been sweating all day, you need to be mindful of reality. Wash off in case you built up offensive odors.

Also before you go back outside after a sex session, you should wash. It's good hygene.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

treyvion said:


> It's a good thing to wash before sex. It prevents undesireable odor buildups. If you been sweating all day, you need to be mindful of reality. Wash off in case you built up offensive odors.
> 
> Also before you go back outside after a sex session, you should wash. It's good hygene.


It's a personal preference neither a "good thing" or a "bad thing". I don't wash before and after sex each and every time I do it and I certainly don't consider that bad hygiene! I think having that be a requirement for sex would be off putting to me. I shower daily anyway.


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