# depressed over emotional facebook affair



## tappytaptap (Jul 21, 2012)

I've been married for almost 11 years. We have 4 great kids. My wife is a stay at home mom. I am in sales and work very hard, but not so much to the neglect of my family. 

2011 was a very difficult work year for me. My income was low and there was so much stress at work that I went on anti-anxiety meds for a time. My wife was struggling with several things including her father with cancer and the struggles of raising 4 children. She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married. I thought it was a good thing for me to give her that release so long as she was careful. She attended about 1 every two months.

In March she confessed to meeting a DJ at a rave in Feb and had a 3 week emotional affair on Facebook. She claims to have never talked to him on the phone. At first all of the details didn't come out. Over a period of weeks I learned that the relationship got sexual in nature with messages. I also learned that she was putting me down to him and making fun of me. I also learned that she had pursued other DJ's on facebook but only one got very far, but he told her that he was no good for her, so it ended. 

It's been 4 months. She is trying really hard to change. She has apologized to me but I still feel unresolved. I did well with my feelings at first but lately, I am very depressed. I've never felt so lonely in my life. She is seeing a therapist but that isn't helping me. I have huge trust issues about the future. I also struggle with feelings of ending the marriage and revenge. (When I have a level head, I know these are no good.) I just can't get over some of the things she said to the guy and others. She is off facebook unless I log her in. I want to talk to someone as a couple but am having a hard time finding someone to see. My sadness is something I've never experienced before. I feel myself getting depressed any time I come home or am around her.

Any advise is much appreciated.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please see your doctor to discuss your depression. Sounds like you have, but another visit is in order.

It is normal to feel like you do, however, because the world you thought you lived in seems to have proven false. The person you trusted most betrayed you. It's like your entire reality is moving and shifting and you can't trust anything anymore.

Coming here is a good start. Others will have more to say--but you might want to repost, or have a moderator move your thread to "Coping with Infidelity," where you will find others who can really relate and who will have good, practical advice.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. God bless.


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

tappytaptap said:


> I've been married for almost 11 years. We have 4 great kids. My wife is a stay at home mom. I am in sales and work very hard, but not so much to the neglect of my family.
> 
> 2011 was a very difficult work year for me. My income was low and there was so much stress at work that I went on anti-anxiety meds for a time. My wife was struggling with several things including her father with cancer and the struggles of raising 4 children. She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married. I thought it was a good thing for me to give her that release so long as she was careful. She attended about 1 every two months.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Friend. I know how you feel. Sisters is a good advisor too. IF TOU CAN, Go to therapy with her. Put God in it if you are Christian. She feels bad cayenne now she sees that Affairs don't add value
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

> She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married.


:slap: :redcard:

She is a SAHM ... you work very hard to support your family. She starts doing things she did when she was single. 

So not your fault certainly but this was not the best thing for you to be alright with and you see this now. So why would you believe that this is a FB only thing. She is going to RAVES for crying out loud!!! 

So her life style must change immediately. No more going out to RAVES, clubs and bars without you.

There must be boundaries. Married boundaries. This protects the marriage for you and your wife but certainly your children.

How old are your kids?

I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs and especially the boundary setting.

This would be a deal breaker for me FWIW.

Good luck.


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## docj (Jun 18, 2009)

Cause not cayenne. And You not TOU.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tappytaptap said:


> I've been married for almost 11 years. We have 4 great kids. My wife is a stay at home mom. I am in sales and work very hard, but not so much to the neglect of my family.
> 
> 2011 was a very difficult work year for me. My income was low and there was so much stress at work that I went on anti-anxiety meds for a time. My wife was struggling with several things including her father with cancer and the struggles of raising 4 children. She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married. I thought it was a good thing for me to give her that release so long as she was careful. She attended about 1 every two months.
> 
> ...




I understand your pain.

Of all the things she did, the fact that she talked you down to this guy says a lot. I also feel that is what is affecting you the most. Here you are trying your best to make your wife happy and you realize she doesn't think much of you.

I have always heard that there are three things that
" commeth not back..."
The first one of them is the spoken word.

Sorry you have to face this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She *said* she was sorry.
Her action may tell you differently hence the reason you can't get past this.

Is she still going to raves?
Is she still leaving you home for GNO (girls night out).
Is there still a degree of disrespect with convos. and other interactions with you?
Is she walking out of the room to talk on her phone?
Is her lap top and cell phone locked?

My point is chicks who cheat and want to fix the marriage have to do the heavy lifting to make it right....a certain degree of submission that allows transparency, lack of privacy and a life style change that rids her of all her toxic friendships that continue to help deteriorate the marriage.

Dude she can give you all kinds of lip service and tell you what you want to hear, but at the end of the day its her actions that will get you right again.

If she can't crasp this idea she may want to sow her oats before settling down. If thats the case it is up to you to tolorate it or not by letting her go. You can't control her but you can offer the protection for the marriage, it will be up to her to except this protection.

What totaly sucks is you aready let her go off and have her rave, now when you put a stop to it you will be labled "controlling".

Even though me and you both know you aren't being controlling, just protecting the marriage....it will always be up to her to except this kind of protection or leave.

It will take some balls but you can protect your marraige by establishing some nonnegotiable boundries that have drastic consequences.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

tappytaptap said:


> She claims to have never...


It would be wise of you to independently verify all of the "she claims" as there's generally a tendency to lie,minimize and rug sweep.Maybe you've already posted this but why did she confess? Was it out of the blue or had you started questioning things?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please have your thread moved to Coping with Infidelity.

I strongly recommend two books for both of you to read,

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (the book on emotional affairs, by a nationally recognized infidelity researcher)

And

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Stat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tappytaptap (Jul 21, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sweetpea (Jan 30, 2007)

moving thread to Coping with Infidelity


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tappytaptap said:


> She has apologized to me but I still feel unresolved. I did well with my feelings at first but lately, I am very depressed. I've never felt so lonely in my life. She is seeing a therapist but that isn't helping me. I have huge trust issues about the future. I also struggle with feelings of ending the marriage and revenge. (When I have a level head, I know these are no good.) I just can't get over some of the things she said to the guy and others. She is off facebook unless I log her in. I want to talk to someone as a couple but am having a hard time finding someone to see. My sadness is something I've never experienced before. I feel myself getting depressed any time I come home or am around her.
> 
> Any advise is much appreciated.


Sorry that your WW enrolled you into the club no one wants to join. This is the result of sweeping the affair under the rug: Your anger and resentment has been allowed to fester and build up.


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

First of all Tappy I'm sorry you are here. 

Please do not take what she has done lightly. I agree with TBT. You need some verification of those statements. 

Even is she told you all of there was it is still a big deal. Leaving things like this alone and not acting often leads to PAs (physical affairs). Do not let this slide. Listen to the advice here. We've all been there or are there.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry to read about another bad situation. I think it would be tough to be in a situation like this with a kid in the middle. But based on what I've read, it's clear that she was actively looking to have a PA. The intent was there and she tore you down big time to her potential affair partners. 

I'll be honest with you and state up front that I've never been through any infidelity issues with my wife and I'm still married to my wife of 15 year. But I can at least give some thoughts as a married man. At some point in your marriage, your wife has lost a lot of respect for you. Whether it was due to the year of low income due to your job or something else in the past that has happened between the two of you, who knows. But to save this marriage - if that is possible at this point - there are obvious issues that must be addressed or this marriage will no be salvaged.

1) Communication is a must. Both of you need to become open books to each other so that both of you know where you stand with each other at all times.

2) Respect. There needs to be mutual respect between the 2 of you. Each of you should be your spouses #1 defender out there if anyone ever talks down about you. Your wife obviously blew this up completely.

3) Boundaries need to be clear and non-negotiable. RAVES?!?! NFW would I EVER let my wife go to a RAVE or any nightclub. I have no problem with my wife going out with her girl friends from time to time (it's healthy to still have some alone time with friends for both of you), but a married woman with 4 kids is no longer a part of the singles scene or young college kid scene anymore. There are plenty of places for GNO that do not involve RAVES, nightclubs, or other "pick-up" spots.

4) True remorse from your wife. If your wife is not begging for your forgiveness and going out of her way to put right the EAs and the total disrespect of badmouthing you to her EA counterparts, then you need to tell her that this situation in untenable and that she needs to figure out her own living arrangements.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

SAHM mother of 4 going to raves? Someone needs to grow up.


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