# Considering separating



## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for 16 years, together 18. We have 3 kids, 5,9, and 12. We have had some ups and downs, but always pulled through, even got through the death of a child a few years back. We have both gone through major career changes and have always supported each other. We seldom argue, have lots in common, always find stuff to talk about, and genuinely care about each other. We are best friends. Our careers have us both juggling schedules, often we don't see each other for a couple days at a time, other than an hour or two when we overlap. She works late hours and often sleeps on the couch instead of waking me up when she comes home. We have just grown distant over the past few months. We are both guily of taking each other for granted. We had a good talk 3 weeks ago, and I took it as a wake up call. I realized I was getting close to losing her, and it made me realize how much she means to me. So, I started doing all the little things again, sending cards, putting chocolates in her car while she was at work, starting "date night" again. She says I'm only doing these things because she said something about it, and that I don't mean it. She has started picking up extra shifts at work, and taking additional classes for work, but it seems like she is just trying to avoid me. I have really opened up to her, written her letters, tried talking to her. Last night night we discussed separating. She didn't bring it up, but I asked her if she wanted to. She said she just wants some time. She thinks she is just in a mood, and that she will get over it. She also said that my gestures are just making her feel guilty. In the meantime, I am going crazy. I am not dealing with not knowing well. I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, I am losing weight. I told her this, now she feels she has to make a decision right away. I am not trying to add more pressure on her, I was just being honest about how I felt. I want our marriage to work, it seems to me like the only thing missing is a little spark. Am I just pushing her farther away?


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Smokey said:


> She says I'm only doing these things because she said something about it, and that I don't mean it.


I would explain to her that after a while, a lengthy marriage gets into a rut and the couple starts to take each other for granted. This is NOT uncommon. And her bringing this up to your attention was a wake up call and you're trying to make amends.

Yes you're doing it because she said something, but more importantly ... because you don't want to lose her. If you really don't mean it, why would you care if you lose her or not?

Tell her that your gestures are not meant to make her feel guilty and that wake up call has made you realize just how important she is to you. Sometimes, we need to be reminded of things especially in a hectic world that you're living in.

Don't threaten her with separation but ask her what you need to do to give her the time and space she needs to make her more comfortable with you. Then act on it.

Good Luck to you bro!


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. Just to clarify, I didn't threaten her with separation, I just asked if that was what she wanted. It seemed like that was what she was saying, but didn't actually want to say it. So I kind of drug it out of her. Thanks again, I'll let you guys know what happens.


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

OK, now I am starting to get angry. She is acting like this is no big deal. I am trying to realize that she has been at work all day and then off to a class tonight, so she has been busy, while I have been sitting here stewing on everything. I don't understan!!d how she can be ok with not saying "I love you" when she leaves and no good-bye kiss. She is just rolling with it. She said she wants to give it a little time, we are going on vacation Memorial Day for two weeks, and she said we can talk after vacation. It is killing me to just put this off! It's my every thought, and these past couple days have been the longest of my life! I just agreed to an overtime shift tomorrow, so I will be gone till Sunday morning, she has to work Sunday at 2. At least work will keep me occupied for another day. I am stressing!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Wow, what does she have to fell guilty about?

Other then work, is there another influence that is effecting the marriage repair? Maybe a toxic friend that just went through a divorce? An old friend she has connected with on some social network?

Have you quitly investigated her actions? I mean I just don't get it you get all lovey dovey and she feels "guilty". Whats up with that?

Why does she need time? Is she setting up an exit plan that you don't know about?

There are alot of questions here and she ain't talking, so you might want to find out for your self what is blocking these attempts to repair the marriage.

You know what womenese is for "I need a little time" ?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I am so sorry you have suffered the loss of a child. I cannot begin to relate to that. Do you think that your wife's current feelings might stem from that difficult time? Have you asked? I hope you can find some answers.


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

I think we are both past the loss of our daughter, as much as we can be. I am fairly confident that she is not seeing anyone else. She told me that she never noticed men flirting with her until recently, and now she is having fun flirting back. She said it is just harmless, but it hurts me. She asked me tonight what a trial separation would mean. She said she doesn't want to hurt me or the kids, but is just unhappy. She said she doesn't want to separate. She says she just needs a little time to sort things out in her head.


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

So I guess I'm supposed to put on my A game and let her remember why she fell in love with me to begin with. How am I supposed to do that when I'm dying inside?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man up dude, no one said life was fair. 

I can't believe I'm saying this to a man that has lost a child!

Sorry 

Point is still the same.....do not let this define you. You have gotten throught a few loses in your life you will get through this one.

She has pretty much told you that guys are hitting on her, so please quitely investigate this point for your self so you can see what exactly you are up against.

Its one thing to fight for a marriage when the spouse is feeling un happy, but it is another thing to fight for a marriage when the spouse is feeling unhappy b/c they want to be with someone else instead of you.

At least consider the possibility that your wife is in some kind of emotional fanasy with OM.

Can anyone say keylogger or cell phone records


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

She is my best friend. We have always made it through our tough times *together*. The problem is that it is obviously difficult to talk with her about this. I also don't feel comfortable snooping. She has been honest throughout our relationship, and I think she is being honest now. She has denied anyone in particular, just guys in general. And not that I can blame them for hitting on her, she is a beautiful woman.


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

To the guy, you really pissed me off with the not trusting her part, and suggesting I check her phone records and stuff. My sincere apologies, you are wise beyond your years. She has had an ongoing EA with a childhood friend for the past few months (at least.) Every night I am working, and sometimes when I am home, she is on the phone with him. She called him 25 times last week alone, some calls up to 3 hours long. I told her I knew this morning and that we would talk when I get home tomorrow morning (I work a 24 hr shift) but I can't wait that long. Any advice before I have this talk? It has been long distance, and I don't think she has even seen him in 25 years or so, they got back in touch through facebook (and a family relation, he is her sister's husband's brother.) They kind of dated when she was like 13, but no seriously obviously.


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

Well, she left me, for tonight at least. She asked the kids who wanted to go with her, the oldest took her up on it. Off to her mom's. She said she doesn't feel that working on our marriage would do any good. Said she's felt this way for years, pretty much since the kids. She said the only reason she hasn't left so far has been the kids. She did admit to seeing her EA once about 2 months ago, and has finally admitted that it is a substantial relationship. Guess I'll be moving to the "going through divorce/separation" threads.


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## Smokey (May 20, 2011)

Well, she only left for the one night. The next afternoon, she came home. We talked for a bit, nothing substantial. I went out with a friend from work for a couple hours, and when I got home we had a major blow up. I completely lost it, it went on all night. In the end, she said that it was about her and us, not the EA. She said that if hadn't been him it would have been someone else. She said she would end it with him, but still wanted a trial separation. We decided that she should stay home while I took the kids on vacation for two weeks. The next day, she took the kids to our niece's wedding. Said she didn't feel it was appropriate to go with me to a wedding, that it would be awkward. They spent the night, and I had to work the next day. Late Sunday night/Monday morning, while at work, she texts me that she wants to come with, if we agree to not have long, emotionally draining discussions throughout the trip. We both need a break from these. I told her I wasn't sure this was the best idea. She said she just wanted to spend the time with the kids. I thought about backing out of the trip, but it is a camping trip, she is not comfortable handling the trailer, so that wasn't really a possibility. I knew that her going would just give me hope about our marriage, and was already starting to move onward. But I desparately want us to work this out, so I agreed. Shortly into our drive, she told me she had ended it with the EA, but that her feelings toward me haven't changed. We have talked once or twice about it so far this trip, but it is me trying to convince her why we should stay together. She has told me that she hasn't talked to her former bf, but that they have had a couple of texts. I told her that was not breaking it off. She said it was just closure, saying that she was sorry she hurt him. She talked with a mutual friend of ours yesterday, and the talk seemed to help. She actually snuggled up to me last night in bed. (We are sharing a bed out since we are in the camper, we have slept apart for the past month.) But I got a little scared that this was just a false sense of hope, and reacted poorly. I brought up the fact that she was still communicating with the other guy. I told her that was not breaking it off. She said it was just closure, saying that she was sorry she hurt him. The next morning, we agreed not to discuss anything for the day, just to take a break from the problems. We had a great day. Held hands, put an arm around each other looking at the mountains(we are camping at Yellowstone and then the Badlands.) We came back to the campground, played with the kids, we shot a game or two of pool while they swam, overall a great day. I feel we have turned a corner, but I am afraid to talk about it. I dread coming home and back to reality. We had talked about separating when we got home, but she was still having the EA at that time. I don't want to separate, but I will if we have to. It is so hard to give it time, I just want to start moving forward.


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## CalmMarian (Jun 3, 2011)

Smokey said:


> OK, now I am starting to get angry. She is acting like this is no big deal. I am trying to realize that she has been at work all day and then off to a class tonight, so she has been busy, while I have been sitting here stewing on everything. I don't understan!!d how she can be ok with not saying "I love you" when she leaves and no good-bye kiss. She is just rolling with it. She said she wants to give it a little time, we are going on vacation Memorial Day for two weeks, and she said we can talk after vacation. It is killing me to just put this off! It's my every thought, and these past couple days have been the longest of my life! I just agreed to an overtime shift tomorrow, so I will be gone till Sunday morning, she has to work Sunday at 2. At least work will keep me occupied for another day. I am stressing!!



I know it's killing you to put it off but DO!!!!!

Step back and just focus on YOU, not the relationship!

Start to love yourself more. A great way I found to do this was to pretend I was in my most wonderful relationship and write about how I was treated. Another great thing I used when my hubby and I were on the rocks was to write him "emotional mail" where I would write down all my apologies and sorries as well as all my hurts and pains. I made sure to trash them at work or burn them so he could never find them but the release that I got help immensely!


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