# why disloyal denies



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

I understand (from first hand experience) that an EA or PA causes the disloyal spouse to deny: you're being insecure, you're making mountains out of mole, you're weak, nothing happened, etc. My questions is why do they go through this and don't come clean? If they do this to keep the marriage intact, how come they don't feel that this does quite the opposite and continue with it.

It has been six months since I discovered my W's EA, but despite the evidence she's still in denial. 

M.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm sorry you are here. 

As far as why the DS continues to deny, deny, deny, I believe it's because if they come clean they know they will either have to make a dramatic change of life (separation or divorce) or they will have to give up the fantasy of the affair. As my IC tells me, fantasy is an awfully powerful thing. We don't understand it because it's not rational - fantasy makes them irrational. My H denied and still does even though he was spotted out with the woman that there were rumors about for months. His story is that it "just started" after he moved out and we separated. He won't admit that it was the very reason that he moved out, told me that he loved me but wasn't in love with me, told me that he was confused and didn't know what he wanted, etc., etc. My IC says that this is common - they want everything - having the cake and eating it too - and lying and keeping their affairs a secret is the only way to get it.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

My H did this for a whole year too. Even after he told me our marriage was over... after we separated, after I got a lawyer... even after I had him served with divorce papers....he denied denied denied. I always wondered why he was denying it if he wanted a divorce and be to be with her. Why bother denying it? Admitting it would actually help move things along faster....right?

I don't know if I'm correct here, but I think it has to do with the "affair fog." In that, somewhere in the back of their mind, someplace separated from the fog, there is doubt. Like they almost know it is just a fantasy, but can't break free of the fog even though the part of the brain is trying to fight through the fog. It is like a drug.The fog gives them tunnel vision and they are not thinking about the ramifications of their actions. They just don't want their "high" to end.

In my case, after my H got out of his fog, he explained that he was "out of his right mind." and didn't know what to do. That is where the whole "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" comes in. I actually think that if you hear that from your spouse, there is hope for your marriage. Because, they don't know it at the time, but they do really love you and the fog is confusing their judgment. They lie and deny because the brain is fighting the fog. Does this make sense to anyone else?

My H is about 3 1/2 months out of the fog and we talk about his affair daily. He goes to IC and we go to MC and we are getting to the bottom of how "it" happened. I have figured out that this affair fog is pretty powerful and I compare it to a cancer that needs to fought on many different angles.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Blownaway and packmouse are both "right on the money" with their analysis. The affair fog, fantasy and brain chemicals make a spouse do strange, unexplainable things!

My wife was having an EA w/ her highschool boyfriend on an opposite coast. He was married and not planning on leaving his wife. I was keeping my wife in the lap of luxury, giving her everything she wanted (apparenty not everything), making passionate love to her often..... Something was missing. This idiot on the other coast helped provide a distraction. 
I try to figure out, "Why risk your marriage, family, security, financial well being, a loving, caring, supportive husband for this sick fantasy?" Trying to understand that is just more insanity!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

It's very hard to make sense of it. In addition to the "fog" and the "fantasy", I think it also has to do with the fact that people who stray are not happy with themselves. In fact, as my IC says, they are a gnarly mess on the inside. They know what they are doing is wrong, but this apparently is the one thing that makes them feel decent. So, it's a tug o war between their head and their feeling of being "high" off the affair. If they admit it, they have to face what they did, and the tremendous pain they put their spouse through. My H is the king of the avoiders. He simply won't talk about his feelings or there was minimal talk. No heart to heart, no attempt at counseling to really get to the bottom of things. I believe he is afraid to face it. It's always easier to just run away then to face things. Again, it's very hard for me to understand and I suppose something that I need to let go of. This is all his choice and one person can't fight for a marriage. Maybe my H will be like PacMouse's H and come around when I file for divorce, maybe not. As time goes on, I have less and less respect for him and how he handled the whole situation. He told me that he didn't know and/or didn't mean to hurt me so much. My response: they need to invent a new word for it. It's not hurt; it's more akin to complete devastation.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

My ex H still deniesthe whole thing,he does not even address the subject. He even had the audacity to file for divorce. The only way I can describe him now is as if something shortcircuited in his head. He is definitely not the man I spend 9 years with. He is still with the money sucking OW. They are not living together because her ex H has to pay her $250 a week for the next 7 years. Both my ex and the OW stay mum when the affair is mentioned.

But as blownaway mentioned above every day I lose more and more respect about him not only as a man but as a human being. I wonder how they sleep calmly at night knowing what they have done.


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