# How can I be ok with it?



## frustrated by fetishes

I've been married for 5 months. My husband told me about his fetishes before we married and I was completely ok with it. I told him that I would do whatever he wanted to make him happy, they are harmless fetishes (foot and leather glove). I have countless pairs of leather gloves, I wear certain types of shoes to show of my feet the way he likes (even if I don't like them). At first he seemed to enjoy it, but now it's a different story. He was a virgin when we got married, we have only been married for 5 months, and (even though I will participate in his fetishes) he no longer seems interested in sex with me at all.

The only time we have sex is when I ask for it, and then he responds like it's a chore for him. He rolls his eyes and seems frustrated, like I'm wasting his time. I'm lucky if I get it once a week. In the past he had always told me how he was always horny. But I don't see it at all.

What I've come to realize is that he is expending all of his sexual desire and energy on his fetish porn when I'm not around. I've since caught him numerous times. The history on the computer shows that he is looking at this every single chance he gets, if I'm gone, sleeping or in the shower. It's ALL THE TIME.

I've talked to him about it multiple times explaining that it's ok, but it's causing our sex life to be non-existant and starting to make me feel bad about myself. He says he's sorry and he feels bad and doesn't want to hurt me. He says he will stop. I told him that he doesn't have to stop, just let me in or save some for me. But he won't. He refuses to let me in to his fetish world. . .a world that he is obsessed with. Now he just lies about it and clears all of the history on the computer. (I know he still does it because he still downloads stuff)

I know he won't stop. How can I still be ok with it affects how he treats me? From everything I read, these guys don't change. I am a sexual person, but I'm getting nothing from my husband. I feel hurt, frustrated and angry that he would rather masterbate to his fetish porn than touch me . . . that he would rather lie and knowingly hurt me rather than let me participate in his fantasies. What can I do? Is the only answer for me to go to therapy to learn to be ok with it?


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## Alexsky

The answer is not for you to go to therapy... it is him. He needs someone to help him address his problem, and help him start to realize what is important in life.... you. Not porn. I commend you for being as open as you have been. Alot of woman would not have done what you did. Being a man that used to watch alot of porn, I know how addicting it is. I know how it can distract, and blind from what is really happening. My wife withdrew from me rather than do anything that i liked to do. Go to therapy. Go to marriage, and get him to a sex addiction therapist.


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## voivod

Alexsky said:


> The answer is not for you to go to therapy...


actually, it may be the answer...if self esteem is an issue she has...wouldn't it be sad if he ends up going to a counselor, finding that his fetishes are self-centered and narcissistic, and curtails the activity and SHE does not help herself toward healing the self esteem issues that apparently have cropped up due to his focus on his fetishes rather than their sex life?

just a thought...


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## Blanca

frustrated by fetishes said:


> What can I do? Is the only answer for me to go to therapy to learn to be ok with it?


I dont think the only reason to go to therapy is to become OK with the state of your marriage. I think you should go to therapy for some support and a place to talk about your problems. that's why i went to therapy. my H was also looking at porn and ignoring me. my self-esteem went down the drain, but my anger and resentment sky-rocketed. it was really ugly. so i went to therapy. 

Once i started therapy my H kind of followed. he goes twice a month now. he hasnt looked at porn (that i know of) in over a year. but i am still trying to recover from being pushed aside. Its been really difficult.


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## created4success

frustrated by fetishes said:


> I know he won't stop. How can I still be ok with it affects how he treats me? From everything I read, these guys don't change. I am a sexual person, but I'm getting nothing from my husband. I feel hurt, frustrated and angry that he would rather masterbate to his fetish porn than touch me . . . that he would rather lie and knowingly hurt me rather than let me participate in his fantasies. What can I do? Is the only answer for me to go to therapy to learn to be ok with it?


Unfortunately, porn is a powerful force; an addiction that is quite difficult to break.

As a word of encouragement to you, him appearing to be more interested in his fetishes over you is really nothing personal, as weird as it sounds. As I've struggled with it before, I can tell you that sometimes fantasy is more appealing than reality, and it can even seem to be a quasi-spiritual thing. (Weird, I know)

Ultimately, an addiction like this can destroy your marriage, whether you thing porn is good or bad. 
*
Have you tried telling him that it bothers you and is negatively affecting your relationship? * If not, I'd encourage you to approach him.

BTW, no, I don't think you need counseling for dealing with what appears to be his issue or problem. It would be much better to dialogue, then come up with a solution together.


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