# Wife is leaving me..



## A49erfan (Jan 10, 2016)

I know there is a lot of people going through what I am gong through right now.. And probably a lot of ppl confused as hell with it too.. My wife and i had been going strong as I thought for 10yrs together and 7 yrs married.. And two days ago she told me that she wasn't happy and wanted to separate... As she telling me the reasons why she's came to this desicion all I was thinking about what went wrong and how did it get this far, why didn't she come me earlier.. I was lost, confused and hurting from what she was telling me. And on top of all this, then she tells me that she's already found a apartment, split our bills up, and was planning to take my children out of school so they could be closer to her and she's leaving next monday, she told me all of this on a Thursday... 

For the past few days I have been going back in forth with her and trying to communicate what's going on and we can fix this. But she told me that's she had been planning this for a while now and she is frim on her desicion. 

I don't know what to do, all of our close friends are shocked and are willing to help us work through this cause they see the love we have for eachother... I have done the best I thought at being a husband and a father, I work, I take care bills, I tend to my families needs.. But I guess I wasn't there enough for her. 

Can anyone pls help me understand I did to be left out in the cold...

Thanks


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

You didn't meet her needs, you missed the red flags, there was a huge lapse in communication, you missed the forest for the trees is the typical expression that applies here. Many will say she's having an affair and some will say expose the affair to give her a hard dose of reality and get her to run back into your arms. I say get a good divorce lawyer and get her out of your life since she obviously does not want to be there.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She has replaced you.
At least take a few simple steps to check.

As mentioned below, look at the standard evidence post and check the phone bill.

Yes, get a lawyer!

Time tested experience shows that is the best course of action.

Edited to correct for misunderstanding. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

85% ( I am guessing and have heard statistics somewhere?) of those that are leaving quick or say "I love you but no longer in love with you" have someone on the sidelines. Either it's an emotional affair; physical affair; or someone they have in mind. 

Either way, she's obviously give this some thought. Look up a link to Michelle Weiner-Davis and Last Resort Technique. I would highly recommend it. Many of us (including myself) have done the begging, convincing, etc. It doesn't work at this point.

I am sorry for this...it's sad for your kids as well.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Decorum said:


> She has replaced you.
> Find out who and do the opposite of what header said.
> 
> Time tested experience shows that is the best course of action.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Header does have a valid point about the lawyer because it appears his spouse has made several assumptions about bill splitting, taking the kids, transferring them to a different school etc.

She just doesn't get to make all the grand decisions.


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## A49erfan (Jan 10, 2016)

Everyone,

Yes, I have missed a lot of red flags cause I was blinded by making sure my family was set up where they didn't have to sacrifice like my mom did when she left my dad when I was 1. I didn't want my children to grow without a father, or knowing their father didn't do his part. I did everything for them and I guess it wasn't enough. And trust when I say I believe she is not in the state to have someone on the side. In here words she been depressed, tired and unhappy cause she feels alone and doing everything like making decisions, and having to take care of everyone.. I never ment to do this and I didn't know I was doing some much damage... 

Thank you for your replies.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't be surprised if there is OM in the picture. She shouldn't have just sprung this on you especially since you have children. She should have been talking to you about her unhappiness. She can't just decide on her own (unless they are not your children biologically) what she is going to do with your children. You need to have a say in where your children live especially is they are moving away from the area. I would get a lawyer so you get visitation with your children.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Have you ever talked to your wife about priorities? Actually, have you ever talked to your wife?

Can you sit down with her and just listen? Do not try to defend yourself, just listen.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Check your phone bill!!!

Go online and look for a specific number with a lot of calls/texts. 

Takes about 30 minutes. Chances are you'll find the real answer there.

Sorry you're here.

When you find out do full exposure immediately. Blow that ship out of the water. 

She's way ahead of you. Being weak and timid at this time will get you nothing


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Decorum said:


> She has replaced you.
> Find out who and do the opposite of what header said.
> 
> Time tested experience shows that is the best course of action.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent advice. Don't follow it at your own peril.

You're here for a reason. You can't fix what you don't know about.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A49erfan said:


> Everyone,
> 
> Yes, I have missed a lot of red flags cause I was blinded by making sure my family was set up where they didn't have to sacrifice like my mom did when she left my dad when I was 1. I didn't want my children to grow without a father, or knowing their father didn't do his part. I did everything for them and I guess it wasn't enough. And trust when I say I believe she is not in the state to have someone on the side. In here words she been depressed, tired and unhappy cause she feels alone and doing everything like making decisions, and having to take care of everyone.. I never ment to do this and I didn't know I was doing some much damage...
> 
> Thank you for your replies.


 "And trust when I say I believe she is not in the state to have someone on the side."

Famous last words!!! Your situation is not unique. Other man in the mix happens all to frequently.

Check it out. If you're smart


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

There are a few standard replies and you have had all of them. I suggest you follow several of those steps simultaneously.
1) Get a lawyer immediately. Understand we will have to come to terms that you can both agree with.
2) Check for another man, there is the standard evidence post; http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html 
3) Try listening to her. Do not plead with her. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy. You did not see this coming, so there may be many things you missed. If she has another man, it will be difficult as she will be looking for reasons to blame you. There are times when she will throw something like this out of desperation, in which case it might be possible to save it, but only if you accept she may choose to leave. Be strong and supportive.

At the moment, you are back footed. You will have plenty of time to feel sorry for yourself, but that time is not now.


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## A49erfan (Jan 10, 2016)

Also, I forgot to mention a huge part.. Sorry my mind is going like 100mph.. We have been living with my parent for the past 7months and I know in the past that she had mention a few times that's she didn't want to be there. And the reason we went to my parents was because my mom was going through chemo and needed help with her medical bills.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> There are a few standard replies and you have had all of them. I suggest you follow several of those steps simultaneously.
> 1) Get a lawyer immediately. Understand we will have to come to terms that you can both agree with.
> 2) Check for another man, there is the standard evidence post; http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
> 3) Try listening to her. You did not see this coming, so there may be many things you missed. If she has another man, it will be difficult as she will be looking for reasons to blame you. There are times when she will throw something like this out of desperation.
> ...


This wreaks of cheater script. 

Bad husband, bad father, it's all your fault, etc. all for one purpose. To justify the unjustifiable. 

You'd better WAKE UP! Now


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

A49erfan said:


> Also, I forgot to mention a huge part.. Sorry my mind is going like 100mph.. We have been living with my parent for the past 7months and I know in the past that she had mention a few times that's she didn't want to be there. And the reason we went to my parents was because my mom was going through chemo and needed help with her medical bills.


Ok, check your phone bill anyway.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

A49erfan said:


> Also, I forgot to mention a huge part.. Sorry my mind is going like 100mph.. We have been living with my parent for the past 7months and I know in the past that she had mention a few times that's she didn't want to be there. And the reason we went to my parents was because my mom was going through chemo and needed help with her medical bills.


This all makes a lot more sense. She is having a hard time and feels she is in second place. That advice stays the same.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

That's messed up. The courts are lopsided against men, but that is extreme. You do have some rights on where your kids live. I urge you to fight for them. As the father, you have a right to see them and have input on where they go to school. 

As for your wife, she's obviously with another man. Don't know the state of your relationship prior to this but to be blindsided like this, after all these years and sharing kids is beyond wrong. 

Prepare yourself to be on your own. Work on being a whole man and a loving father. Your kids will need you. A woman that would rip the kids from their father like this does not have their best interest at heart. She's all about her new life.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jsmart said:


> That's messed up. The courts are lopsided against men, but that is extreme. You do have some rights on where your kids live. I urge you to fight for them. As the father, you have a right to see them and have input on where they go to school.
> 
> As for your wife, she's obviously with another man. Don't know the state of your relationship prior to this but to be blindsided like this, after all these years and sharing kids is beyond wrong.
> 
> Prepare yourself to be on your own. Work on being a whole man and a loving father. Your kids will need you. A woman that would rip the kids from their father like this does not have their best interest at heart. She's all about her new life.


We do not know for certain that there is another man. We need to establish whether that is the case first. Secondly, in the scenario where he has a sick member of family, she is very likely to feel abandoned regardless of how fair that might be. 

The plan is still:
1) Lawyer, to find the situation. A lawyer will have seen all this before, mine was a great asset on a personal level as well as legal. If you are religious, see a Priest/Rabbi/Iman as they will also have seen this - but see the lawyer first.
2) Investigate for other man. 'Standard Evidence Post'
3) Talk with her. Address her as the Father of your child and be strong.

The 180 is likely to be necessary, but that is more long term.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I know you do not want to hear this but having missed all the red flags you are not really the best person to be so sure there is no other man involved here . 

Now on top of probably cheating on you she is unilaterally yanking your kids right out from under you and you first step here is to get to a friggin attorney and find out your rights . I would also tell her that she better be sure she is on solid legal ground because she is not insole charge here 

At this point you can either take some simple steps like the phone records and find out who her new boyfriend is or you can forget about it. But the overwhelming odds say this planned departure was not done with no other man on the horizon or already in her life .


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

honcho said:


> Header does have a valid point about the lawyer because it appears his spouse has made several assumptions about bill splitting, taking the kids, transferring them to a different school etc.
> 
> She just doesn't get to make all the grand decisions.


I agree, I came back just now after I realized I threw the baby out with the bath water there. I posted with more reaction than thought.

I hope he does take a few simple steps as mentioned above to uncover if there is an affair (even if its just an online emotional affair or something) and exposes when the time is right. You can't fix a marriage if another man is involved in some way

And yes get a lawyer!

I am going to edit my post. Thanks honcho.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopefulforhappy (Dec 23, 2015)

It takes a LONG time to process all of those emotions. I definitely suggest getting an attorney asap though if you aren't ok with the decisions she has already made for you regarding your kids. That is unreal to me. She's already hit you head on with the leaving and expects that shock will just force you to follow her decisions blindly. Everyone told me over and over....whatever happens or you wish would happen, take care of yourself.


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## Hopefulforhappy (Dec 23, 2015)

And you know what else I'm thinking. Several are suggesting to nail her for an affair. That my dear is going to slowly drive you insane if you go down that path. Trust me and I can elaborate if needed. Affair or no affair, she's made the decision. Consciously apparently given she's planned out bills and custody arrangements.


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## A49erfan (Jan 10, 2016)

Hey Guy, 
First I want to thank you of you for your advise. Good or bad. Thank you. 

I got a lawyer and going through the steps to make this final.

She has admitted to having a boyfriend but that it just happend all of a sudden after she filed for divorce on Jan 28th.. Yeah right... I guess this guy was a high school friend of 19years that I never knew about. After my head started to clear I started to relies the signs of her cheating.. New passwords in emails and social websites. Locking her phone and going out every Saturday night when I was at work. I guess this all started when she had weight loss surgery and started to be more active.. She kind of left me in the dust.. 

It's still hard after 4months, and I guess I have a long ways to go before I fully get over this.. One day at a time, and trying to keep focus on me and my kids. That's what I keep telling myself. I didn't change, she did. I'm not the villian in this, she is. I know I'm the great guy in the world, but I know what I have to do to become great. 

Thank you all. And I'll check in from time to time.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Did you expose her to family and friends? 

Make sure she takes the blame and not you.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Another case of denial about the wife having an OM. Glad you found out, now you can fully move on. Get yourself in the best shape of your life, see a counselor, and start enjoying life. 

You'll be fine.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

A49erfan said:


> Also, I forgot to mention a huge part.. Sorry my mind is going like 100mph.. We have been living with my parent for the past 7months and I know in the past that she had mention a few times that's she didn't want to be there. And the reason we went to my parents was because my mom was going through chemo and needed help with her medical bills.


So, you placed your mother ahead of your wife.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> So, you placed your mother ahead of your wife.


That never ends well.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

ReturntoZero said:


> So, you placed your mother ahead of your wife.


I would hope that if a woman came on here and her Mother was gravely ill, most would agree that the husband should support her through that time. 
People, men and women, react differently when their partner goes through a traumatic time. Some will what their partner is going though and have their back, others will begrudge their partner's focus on them being lost. The second lot you are well rid of.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> I would hope that if a woman came on here and her Mother was gravely ill, most would agree that the husband should support her through that time.
> People, men and women, react differently when their partner goes through a traumatic time. Some will what their partner is going though and have their back, others will begrudge their partner's focus on them being lost. The second lot you are well rid of.


These sort of situations aren't black and white.

How was the subject brought up? I don't buy the "matter of fact" idea that you uproot your family to help your mom with medical bills.

It has to be a mutual decision. Doesn't sound like it was.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

ReturntoZero said:


> These sort of situations aren't black and white.
> 
> How was the subject brought up? I don't buy the "matter of fact" idea that you uproot your family to help your mom with medical bills.
> 
> It has to be a mutual decision. Doesn't sound like it was.


I agree. We have to put our spouse as our number one priority, but there will be times when others need our support. 

Being concerned about another loved one when they are ill should not be offensive to a reasonable and loving spouse.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> I agree. We have to put our spouse as our number one priority, but there will be times when others need our support.
> 
> Being concerned about another loved one when they are ill should not be offensive to a reasonable and loving spouse.


Yet, any man has to realize the risk of appearing to "run to mommy"


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