# found some text messages



## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

I looked at the future wife's texts the other night and didn't like what I read. Back story, been together for 8 years getting married this spring. She works in the oil trade, all men and is in the military, almost all men. 

So basically one text was from a guy that was complaining about being sore, she jokes I don't want to know, he asks for a message then with naked in parathasies. She said I don't think so, then went on to say how he thinks sex is like work, she replied it wasn't like that with me.

The next to a coworker in the field, small talk then about dinner and things better late then never, not a big deal but lots of smiley faces which I have never her seen her do in our texts. again this one not a big deal. 
So I confront her late that night, she says she is not having an affair and that they were joking. I told her I was very uncomfortable with it all. Next day didn't hear anything, which I thought she would at least see if I was okay, When she gets home from work I told her that I was still very uncomfortable with the first text, she then said the guy had a dream that they were together and that she was just giving him a hard time..... That to me is what is bothering me more and more. That is the most used excuse in the world. Wish I wouldn't have confronted her and just followed the text more to see what is really was.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Check her phone records to see how often she texts and calls these guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

her records are verizon, there is no report on calls or texts on it. Mine doesn't have it either


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## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

Does that really sound like something one would say if it was a dream?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You still can get the cell logs and see if it is danger to the marriage by counting the amount of texting going on.

Don't take any crap when it comes to protecting your marriage! You are not jelous or controlling or insecure. This sh1t happens all the time so don't stand for it.

You can't control her so don't try, but you can control what you will tolorate by finding a women that will except and respect the protection you have to offer.

Sounds over the top...I know, but I hear it time again here @ TAM and the end result is always the same "I didn't mean it to happen, he just kissed me and we had sex"


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

confusedchv said:


> her records are verizon, there is no report on calls or texts on it. Mine doesn't have it either


You sure? I'm verizon and I can log on and see ph #'s texted and called.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

confusedchv said:


> her records are verizon, there is no report on calls or texts on it. Mine doesn't have it either


Go online and get an itemized statement. Then compare them to her phone to see if shes deleting them.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

the online statement should have a list of incoming and out going cell phone numbers. You won't get the text but just the cell numbers


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is your chance. Your ONE chance to set proper boundaries and to show her that you aren't willing to be married to someone who will not respect those boundaries. Now, what are you going to do with this one chance? From this moment forward you'll either be a doormat/joke or you'll be the man.


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## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

I would have to know her password and user name though.


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## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

Just wish we were on the same plan, hate to say it would very much like to mirror her phone to mine


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

confusedchv said:


> Does that really sound like something one would say if it was a dream?


Yeah I always tell some one else's gal I had a sexual dream about them. Yeah it was wet too, that's the ticket. :scratchhead:


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## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

That is the major thing that is bothering me, if she left it at just joking around that is one thing, but and I mean BUT.... when the dream excuse was used or came into play, that is what has me really messed up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's the beginning of an EA most likely.

She's not your wife yet? that's good.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Look here's the simple thing. If your gut tells you it's bs, then it's bs. You weren't born yesterday, call her on it. Tell her you don't believe it and you want to see her phone records to verify how much she text or calls other men. That's a boundary for you and you won't hang around if she needs to cross it.


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## confusedchv (Nov 22, 2012)

Yep I know that the gut is usually right..... I just don't want it to be.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The problem is, because of her job you're going to have to live with her traveling with men without you for years to come. If the trust isn't there, then it's going to drive you insane. She has to be beyond reproach, and frankly, she's not. So every time she goes off to an oil field you're going to be sitting at home wondering if she's the rough neck pass around girl, and life at home alone is going to suck.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

confusedchv said:


> her records are verizon, there is no report on calls or texts on it. Mine doesn't have it either


I'm with Verizonwireless also. As I understand it, as long as both phones are on the same account, for a nominal fee, they can go back and provide the texting records of the cell-number texted to or texted from, along with the date and the time of such texts.

And don't forget to check out her cell-phone calling activity as well. As with my case, it spoke absolute volumes!


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## Simon Castro (Nov 22, 2012)

When my Ex broke up with me, it was because of a text message. What I did to find out more about that man bothering my life...I added him in twitter (I present myself as a girl). Set him Up..But my wife now just knew about it (about the twitter thing) when I showed him a year after the marriage...


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## SelfTweaks (Nov 11, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is your chance. Your ONE chance to set proper boundaries and to show her that you aren't willing to be married to someone who will not respect those boundaries. Now, what are you going to do with this one chance? From this moment forward you'll either be a doormat/joke or you'll be the man.


:iagree::smthumbup:
EXACTLY the right course of action!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Prior to marriage, this is not about cheating.

This is about she revealed to you her boundaries and values system.

The question is why would you marry someone with these boundaries and this value system? 

Marriage does not change people. This is a person you should not marry.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Don't marry; you two are not right for each other. Long-term, neither of you will be happy!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Postpone the marriage immediately..And redefine the boundaries in you marriage..Start couple counseling..


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I am a 27 female who works in a VERY male dominated environment. S*x is talked about and joked about A LOT. That’s just part of working with large groups of men.

Of course on this website I will get bashed for saying this but . . . the jokes are FUNNY, the stories are FUNNY, the comments are FUNNY. I’m not having EAs with everyone in my office just because I share/enjoy a naughty joke with them!

One of the blokes even told me he had a dirty dream about me, its not the end of the world, I’m sure this guy would have had a dirty dream about a doorknob if he was in the right mood. Blokes are just horny . . .

I’m not saying that your girl is innocent of any wrong doing, only she knows that. I’m just saying don’t jump to conclusions just because she works with men and is not phased by that behaviour. Im certainly desensitised to ANYTHING they could possibly say.

The only part of this that would throw me is the texting its self. Is she texting these people often? I don’t see the point in texing co workers outside work hours, you spend enough time with them during the week!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

JJG said:


> I am a 27 female who works in a VERY male dominated environment. S*x is talked about and joked about A LOT. That’s just part of working with large groups of men.
> 
> Of course on this website I will get bashed for saying this but . . . the jokes are FUNNY, the stories are FUNNY, the comments are FUNNY. I’m not having EAs with everyone in my office just because I share/enjoy a naughty joke with them!
> 
> ...


Would you be ok if someone told your SO that they had a dirty dream about him.

And is your SO aware of the nature of relationship between you and co-workers ?

Just asking. Different people have different boundaries they are comfortable with


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

JJG said:


> I am a 27 female who works in a VERY male dominated environment. S*x is talked about and joked about A LOT. That’s just part of working with large groups of men.
> 
> Of course on this website I will get bashed for saying this but . . . the jokes are FUNNY, the stories are FUNNY, the comments are FUNNY. I’m not having EAs with everyone in my office just because I share/enjoy a naughty joke with them!
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I also agree that it is an opportunity to set reasonable boundaries. Reasonable in that they have to be realistic. She works with men and you are going to have to be secure in that environment.

Also, get ready to have one of those boundaries be "you can't read my text messages". There's a level of "controlling" that borders on stalking and unless she granted you permission, that may be across a line.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I don't agree at all. In a marriage all text messages and emails should be open. What is there to hide?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

JJG said:


> I am a 27 female who works in a VERY male dominated environment. S*x is talked about and joked about A LOT. That’s just part of working with large groups of men. . . .


No, no it's not. Not at all.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Would you be ok if someone told your SO that they had a dirty dream about him.
> 
> And is your SO aware of the nature of relationship between you and co-workers ?
> 
> Just asking. Different people have different boundaries they are comfortable with


Wasnt trying to make this about me! But i will answer . . 
If my SO told me that a woman at work had a s*x dream about him i would probably laugh. What can i say, I just have no time for jealousy. My SO is with me because he wants to be, not because i limit his interaction with others.

Yes, my SO knows all about all the men i work with, I tell him about everything that we chat/joke about. I have worked with the same people for the last 9 years, known them all since i was 18. In fact the man in question is coming to our wedding in Feb with his wife who I have met and with whom he is happily married.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> No, no it's not. Not at all.


I can only speak from my own experience, we will have to agree to disagree.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

JJG said:


> Wasnt trying to make this about me! But i will answer . .
> If my SO told me that a woman at work had a s*x dream about him i would probably laugh. What can i say, I just have no time for jealousy. My SO is with me because he wants to be, not because i limit his interaction with others.
> 
> Yes, my SO knows all about all the men i work with, I tell him about everything that we chat/joke about. I have worked with the same people for the last 9 years, known them all since i was 18. In fact the man in question is coming to our wedding in Feb with his wife who I have met and with whom he is happily married.


See, you are open and have honest communications with your SO which is why he has no issues with it..


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I agree with the others. This is a good time to establish boundaries and transparency in your pending marriage. 

It sounded as if she was deflecting the flirting in the messages that you mentioned. A lot of women learn that handling them in that indirect manner can be effective in establishing boundaries with co-workers, particularly opposite sex. 

I sympathise a little bit with couples when it comes to work, it's hard to find something that you like; and these days, it's hard to find anything at all. So until you come across evidence suggesting that she's interested in trying it on with a co-worker, then I would suggest working with it.


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