# Maybe it's me?



## 2hearts2minds1soul (Aug 2, 2007)

Hello everyone:
I'm new  - thought I would start my own issues if you don't mind. My husband and I have been married since 2005 but together (and living together) since 1998. I've been with him since I was 16. We had our first son in 2001, our second son in 2005, and our daughter was born just last month. He's my best friend - I genuinly believe that he is the one person that was meant just for me. 
Lately I have felt awfuly guilty about everything. He's a really hardworker - a superb dad - a great husband - and my soft place to fall when I feel like the world is crumbling. I on the other hand, have been selfish, distant, and sometimes just mean in the past year. I would like to blame it entirely on pregnancy but, I must admit I have a temper that is just sometimes off the wall.  Yet, he still remains REALLY patient with my tantrums, years later. 
Regardless - we became distant with eachother upon learning of our third pregnany - it wasn't planned, it was gratefully accepted but just not planned. We had just setteled into our life as a family of 4 and had to massively rearrange everything from home, to cars, to fiances to bring our dauthter into the world. On top of all the changes, daily life stress, children, lack of communication and distance - I had preterm labor from 27 weeks on spending a lot of time in the hospital and away from my husband & boys. I have never been so thankful the day our daughter arrived healthy and we could finally be together as a family again. But it didn't all fall into place like I assumed it would.
I had easy deliveries with all my babies and went back to work just a couple weeks ago when our daughter was two weeks old. My husband and I work oppisite shifts, therefore one of us are always with the kids but never with eachother. I enjoy my job and was recently offered a promotion on top of split training in two other areas which leaves me with crazy hours, sometimes working 16 -18 hours in one 24 hour period. But I do this because we DO need the money and of course I want the advancement. When I am home I try so hard to spend quality time with my family as a whole but also make just time for my husband and I, but it's sometimes impossiable with a newborn baby around.
We aren't fighting or being mean to eachother, I just notice the massive amounts of distance in the past few weeks. I am a talker on an emotional level and have no problems sharing with him about anything - he on the other hand seems to clam up... so when I directly ask him about us being so distant he blantly ignores me or tells me "We're never together long enough to have a relationship anymore." This leaves me questioning his intentions and of course mindset on our life together. 
I'm trying - I told my boss I had to back off on hours this week to spend time with my family. I have to work - it's not just that I want to but I have to because we can't survive on one single income. He wants me to stay home with our kids - I don't want to and know we would be in a $$ hardship if I did. 
Guess my over all point is - he's been distant with me, yet demanding about me quitting my job lately, claiming *I* am ruining our marriage by working so much. But yet, I am working so much so our family can survive. I just don't know what to say to him because I feel guilty but defensive in at the same time.. like he desn't appreciate just how hard I'm working and just how tired I am. Because quite frankly, I'm exhausted. :scratchhead:


----------



## Kath3015 (Jul 29, 2007)

Is there anyway you can downsize your life? Do you drive newer cars that come with high monthly payments? Do you have a high mortgage? There is only this time in your life to enjoy your family. In a blink the kids will be grown and out on their own. Please examine your life and what you can change. Your kids are not going to be happy that mommy was always at work, but that mommy was able to be home with us...do you know what I mean? Do what you can to change your lifestyle to make your family your priority, that sounds like what you want, right?


----------



## Tigriz (Jul 26, 2007)

2hearts, I don't have the large family you do, but my husband and I are going through the issues created by an unplanned pregnancy right now too. We have an 18 month old already, and were definitely NOT expecting this new addition. We're excited, but nonetheless life has gotten considerably more stressful. Here's my suggestions:

- Make a time for just the two of you. We've found that after the kids are in bed is the best time for us. We will do take out (even if it's the McD's dollar menu) and sit together at the kitchen table and just talk (and sometimes just sit in the nice, peaceful quiet, lol).

- As for work, it can't hurt to look around and see what is available out there that might work better for your schedules. Just looking doesn't mean that you are committing to anything.

- Let the little stuff wait. I often skip doing laundry or cleaning dishes in the evenings simply because i'd rather sit on the couch with my husband. The laundry and the dishes are miraculously still there next time anyway. 

- Just be honest. Try talking to your husband without being defensive. Just explain (like you would to someone who didn't know you) why your job is important, why you are doing what you are doing. Maybe you and your hubby can sit down and compare priorities. Maybe your husband doesn't mind having a little bit of debt while you are more concerned about eliminating all of that (I know I'm like that). It helps to find out what's really important to each of you, then it's much easier to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle!

Good luck!


----------

