# The dating game



## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Just getting into a relationship, haven't dated anyone else. (divorced 2 months, was separated a year and a half) He's the one who suggested we date exclusively, though we are not trying to merge our lives. It's physical, but we haven't slept together. I like him alot, but can't yet bring myself to say the other 4 letter L word.

He has said he'll call me, and then not followed through. I've asked him not to say he'll do something and then not do it, because I'd rather be surprised than disappointed. 
I think it's just common courtesy. I think I'm a control freak. I think I'm being oversensitive. I think...too much. 
So, what do you guys think? After 28 yrs of being out of it, I don't have perspective on what is reasonable. If it makes any difference, I have been described as "hot" and am not desperate. Also, I am addressing it directly w/him; there is communication, but I'd still appreciated your input.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Why would you feel the need to say the 4 letter L word, i wouldn't but that is just me.

sighs, saying he will call then doesn't is not an issue, don't put weight on it, be doing something else 

You are thinking to much just enjoy yourself and don't expect to much.

You don't have to have the L word to sleep with him, i think i would want to know if he was a dud in bed 

When i start dating, i'm just going to follow the river


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Yeah, you are right on many levels. I am thinking and expecting too much. I do keep busy w/ my own life. I don't think I would be comfortable in sleeping w/ someone w/out the Love connection; probably couldn't enjoy it at all. I have no doubt that he will be a great lover, just b/c he is so tender and passionate w/ kissing and holding me. But I wish I could just "follow the river" more.
PS interesting avatar.


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## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Tried it too early, didn't work out all that well. I enjoyed my time with the guy but he wanted more time, more serious time and I just wasn't ready. I was looking for some light hearted good time and the next thing I knew I was hearing about his family problems, trouble at work, etc. No wonder he is alone, hello, note to self, the women you are dating want to be listened to, cared about, complimented but they don't want to solve your problems.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

everafter said:


> Just getting into a relationship, haven't dated anyone else. (divorced 2 months, was separated a year and a half) He's the one who suggested we date exclusively, though we are not trying to merge our lives. It's physical, but we haven't slept together. I like him alot, but can't yet bring myself to say the other 4 letter L word.
> 
> He has said he'll call me, and then not followed through. I've asked him not to say he'll do something and then not do it, because I'd rather be surprised than disappointed.
> I think it's just common courtesy. I think I'm a control freak. I think I'm being oversensitive. I think...too much.
> So, what do you guys think? After 28 yrs of being out of it, I don't have perspective on what is reasonable. If it makes any difference, I have been described as "hot" and am not desperate. Also, I am addressing it directly w/him; there is communication, but I'd still appreciated your input.


Doesn't sound like you're ready for a relationship? Why not just date around? Or keep it not too serious? There's nothing to say that you can't keep seeing each other without having to move forward.

I definitely wouldn't push yourself to say the L word, what's the point in that? It's all Hollywood anyway, as a married person you know better than anyone that real love isn't a feeling you get after a few weeks or months of dating, it's something that you develop over many years based on commitment and dedication.

The sex thing, just don't do anything you aren't comfortable with. If you're hot and not desperate, you'll find the right guy who will want to respect you and wait till you're ready.

As far as the calling thing goes. I think that's just guy dating 101. I've read a million articles on dating lately, every single one says "follow through with your commitments." I wouldn't put too much stake on it, because guys left on their own tend to be idiots, but he should know better. You can let him know it's unattractive and he'll probably never do it again.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

cloudwithleggs said:


> Why would you feel the need to say the 4 letter L word, i wouldn't but that is just me.
> 
> sighs, saying he will call then doesn't is not an issue, don't put weight on it, be doing something else
> 
> ...











:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

We're intensely making out. I'm struggling w/ my Christian values, and passion. He's willing to wait for if/when I'm ready. He is also open to having me see other people until I'm ready to commit to him. I do love him on a level, but haven't said the word to him. 
I think it would be good for me to date around, but only saw one guy at a time in my distant past. And, since I'm not actively seeking other people to date, I don't think it will happen. 
He's been good about not saying he'll do something and then not following through, since I expressed how much it bothers me. 
(@SH) I like hearing about his day. Making the connection. Helping him vent and then let it go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

everafter said:


> I like him alot, but can't yet bring myself to say the other 4 letter L word..



Don't say it til you mean it / are ready to. 



everafter said:


> He has said he'll call me, and then not followed through. I've asked him not to say he'll do something and then not do it, because I'd rather be surprised than disappointed.


Good for you. Boundaries are paramount. 



everafter said:


> I think it's just common courtesy. I think I'm a control freak. I think I'm being oversensitive. I think...too much.


Haha you sound like me!!!! I read recently that overthinking and overanalyzing has the same effect as drug use on your brain!  Hehe.

I think you are doing fine. If something bothers you, speak up. If you're not ready to say ILY, don't. 

Boundaries baby. Either he will respect them or he won't and if he doesn't, Goodbye! 

7 billion people on this planet... just saying!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COguy said:


> The sex thing, just don't do anything you aren't comfortable with.


:iagree:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think every woman should read "he's just not that into you"...I've dated several ass clowns in the last 6 months, and this book really helped me realize that many men are emotionally unavailable...not that yours is, but many are. 

I really loved that book, I needed some advice after being in relationship for 24 years, and then wham, out in the dating world....and it sucks sometimes, other times it's fun and exciting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

working_together said:


> I think every woman should read "he's just not that into you"...*I've dated several ass clowns in the last 6 months*


:rofl:

I know it wasn't meant to be funny but it made me laugh. 

I generally think you can tell when a guy is into you. Or if someone starts backing off. Pay attention to the signs.

If he's not calling, texting, or making plans to see you consistently, he's prob not that into you.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Yeah. He has been very honest w/ his heart, and then backs off. After the initial contact he completely w/drew, and much later he told me he was scared. 
I am going to back off for my own sanity. There is so much good, but no courtship. Wouldn't want to fall victim to an ass clown.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

everafter said:


> Yeah. He has been very honest w/ his heart, and then backs off. After the initial contact he completely w/drew, and much later he told me he was scared.


That is frustrating when it happens...

My advice is, if you sense someone cooling off, mirror their actions. 

The withdrawing was on him. 

Did he say what he was afraid of? How long did you date?


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

He's someone I see at a regularly occuring event. I dated him several times which led to hugging and kissing. Then he was scared off. We talked it out a month or two later. He indicated that he didn't know what he was afraid of--that he talked it out w/ his friends and even his mom who said "so, what's the problem?" and he realized that there is no problem. 
The relationship started to take off, maybe on month now. He wanted to date exclusively. I wanted to date exclusively, then he we both thought that we (I) shouldn't. We were pretty darn intimate this weekend, (though because of a misunderstanding) then he w/drew again. I thought he just got what he wanted, but he said his feelings for me haven't changed. 
I am out of town now, and no response to text, nor phone. I had said I'm ready to commit to an exclusive relationship, but hadn't asked him to reply.
When we are alone together there is great chemistry. There is an incendiary physical connection. We share values, interests, etc.
He thinks rebound relationships are doomed. He has a poor self image, because he is obese, (I am quite fit.) but is otherwise a centered strong man.
Aaak! He makes me crazy in more ways than one.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I wouldn't reach out to him again. You already have and he hasn't responded. Also, he is blowing hot and cold with you. It sounds like he has no problem getting intimate/physical with you and then blows cold again. Not cool.

Don't contact him or sleep with him. If he reaches out to you tell him straight up how you felt when he withdrew/didn't respond, to be honest with you about his feelings.

I am seeing red flags here--doesn't sound like he's emotionally available. I wouldn't waste more time on him.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

That is good advice, JB. He has been out of having a LTR for years--I don't get why he is so skittish. I'm the newbie to dating. Guess I'll go back to the "regularly scheduled program" for my life; which is now a solo show. 
I don't think that sexuality is the major draw for him to me. I think that is scaring him too, and he even suggested we back off. Though maybe it was more a matter of don't start what you can't finish.
I'm going to wait and see what he does.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cut him loose. Or ... send him the same message in the non-committal way he has been treating the relationship. Say to him, 
"You know what? I think this works best if we're just friends."

Ten bucks says after hearing those words, he starts chasing you again.

If you are just starting out, I will give you the same advice that I give to everyone else dipping their toes back in the dating pool.

Be selfish. In a positive way ...

There is way too much uncertainty with this guy right out of the gate. Uncertainty, insecurity, disappointment and unreliability are NOT circumstances that you should choose to tolerate at the BEGINNING of a new relationship.

Whether it's a confidence issue on his part, he isn't that into you, or is afraid of commitment ... the point is ... you shouldn't let HIS crap impact the choices you want to make about dating.

I would also counsel you to SLOooow down.

Your relationship doesn't need to BE something right out of the gate.

It doesn't need to be serious, sexual, loving, exclusive or whatever ... unless you know exactly what you want. Just be prepared to accept that exactly what you want, may not be exactly what a great potential partner wants ... so soon into getting to know one another.

Had this blow up in my face as well. I decided to pull the trigger on telling a woman how strong my feelings were for her after six weeks. Up to that point we had spent a great deal of time together, got along wonderfully, and had been intimate. We already were exclusive ... however, the moment I brought up the direction I saw us going, and that I wanted to agree to exclusivity ... she freaked.

We went from on top of the moon to being done in less than 24 hours.

She didn't date another soul for the next 3 months ... figure that one out ...

Always seemed to me that dating after marriage once you are older and wiser, should actually be easier ... 

That is nowhere near the case.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

I got a friendly text on a "Have a nice day" level. Responded similarly. 
Part of me wants to (try to) just roll w/ it. I tell myself that I am not searching for a life partner, but I know that the checklist for qualities I'm looking for in a man all have to do w/ the long term. Well, I really don't have a list, but vague ideas, and some definite nos. 
I am about to enter a busy period in my life, so I'll have to slow down for 5-6 weeks. I agree that this will be good.
Thanks, Deejo, for your thoughtful response. Sorry to hear about your situation.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

While being intimate, I did have a flash of detail my ex had written on a rate the prostitute website, about the same act his prostitute/PA/EA performed on him. 
No fair that that is in my head.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I know it wasn't meant to be funny but it made me laugh.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I did laugh at some of the stuff I've read about relationships and dating, then there were other moments where I was stunned that I was in a dumb pointless sitch. And yeah, I know when the person is not texting, calling etc. they aren't really into you. The other thing that I know now, is that another word for "busy" is ass$ole. And the final piece of knowledge, if a man says he's not ready for a relaitonship...LISTEN to this and believe it.

ok that's my words of wisdon AKA "he's just not that into you".


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I think you should take a step back, and let him do the work, apparently even today they still want to do the pursuing. It always worries me when a person blows hot and cold, it's typical of people not being emotionally available. We all have to learn to live with ourselves, and yes, dating never gets easier. I seem to attract committment phobes these days, I'm starting to laugh at it now...blah


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

everafter said:


> Thanks, Deejo, for your thoughtful response. Sorry to hear about your situation.


Don't be. That was 3 girlfriends ago. Onward and upward.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

everafter said:


> While being intimate, I did have a flash of detail my ex had written on a rate the prostitute website, about the same act his prostitute/PA/EA performed on him.
> No fair that that is in my head.


everafter, I'm in a bit of a relationship that sounds a lot like yours... one thing I have found is that I feel like I'm searching for a speed to set the cruise control at. But why would I want to set the cruise, I like the feeling of speeding up and slowing down, having my foot on the gas is a bit of a thrill, especially when your partner has to operate the gear shifter (didn't intend this as sexual innuendo) and you guys have the same things in mind. it is really frustrating when you are trying to slow down for a corner but your partner doesn't want to shift down - you know that it is going to be lugging it through the other side, or worse when you want to go pedal to the metal but they don't want to shift up so you are revving your engine not going anywhere.

The other thing that is messing me up this way is my ex, and the rate at which she has been going through relationships - the competitive part of me wants to race her, but on the other had I'd rather enjoy the road trip with my new passenger. I don't know if I will ever get my ex's love life completely out of my head - maybe someday eventually, a decade? (like it took to get my HSS out of my head? I don't want to wait that long.)

So just drive the speed you want and eventually you will find yourself travelling with someone that has the same thing in mind I guess.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

WT: I am getting the message. He's not that into me. Crud. Will pull back for sure and see if it's true. I would like to be courted.
Lon: Thanks. Part of the problem is that I don't know at what speed I would be happy. 
But please, no relationship race w/ your ex. Quality over quantity might be more satisfying. I don't know and don't care (much) about what my ex has currently been doing. He was wearing cheap jewerly for awhile--obviously from a woman w/ no money and even less taste. He made $140K last year and whines about being broke. Probably spent it on more hooker-girlfriends. At least I generally don't think of him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

everafter said:


> He made $140K last year and whines about being broke.


Sounds like my exH. Lol. He could win the Megamillions and still complain it's not enough $.

Ever--if he pulls back, you do the same. No sense in chasing after someone. I also think there is nothing wrong with stating what YOU want. If two people are on the same page, great. If not, oh well. 

There are 7 billion people on this great planet...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

everafter said:


> Quality over quantity might be more satisfying.


Surest way to judge quality is by weighing against the aggregate of quantity.

Basically, I used to have a one and done mentality when I was a teenager, young man, and up to a point, even shortly after my divorce.

I have met A LOT of women. Once I accepted and embraced dating, everything sort of changed. I wasn't focused on getting into a relationship. I was focused on what I wanted out of one.

In other words, I dated to learn about the women I became involved with. And overwhelmingly, they were very positive experiences. I simply let the relationship become what it could become .

I suppose my point is, that in the four years since my marriage ended, my quantity has far exceeded my dating ... exponentially, prior to the time I started dating and got married in the first half of my life.

Quantity has given me perspective, and has taught me a great deal about myself and others.

And even the quality has generally been great ... but not great enough that I would remotely consider a lifetime.

So, I'm content with letting it be what it can be.

In the case of that woman I saw for six weeks? It was intense and absolutely wonderful. I don't lament that time spent or see it as a waste. Quite the opposite. It was extraordinary and I'm glad for the experience.

So ... don't shy away from the concept of creating 'man-posse' stable of dating candidates.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Deejo said:


> I wasn't focused on getting into a relationship. I was focused on what I wanted out of one.
> 
> In other words, I dated to learn about the women I became involved with. And overwhelmingly, they were very positive experiences. I simply let the relationship become what it could become .


This I feel is the mindset to be in when you are "ready" to date. 

No expectations. Just know what you want out of a relationship and have fun. If something clicks, great. If you can be on the same page even better. If not, well, then cut your losses and move on. If you know what you want, don't settle.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Thanks, guys. Yeah, I am rethinking my approach to dating. I don't have time to do a structured search, and unfortunately the only men I meet through my passions are elderly, married or gay; or some combination thereof. I am still letting the dust settle (eg figured out that next to nothing has been taken out for income tax) so I am now planning on getting it together and maybe get really good at my outside interests. Don't worry--no nunnery for me!
But probably no "man-posse" either.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Always seemed to me that dating after marriage once you are older and wiser, should actually be easier ...
> 
> That is nowhere near the case.


:rofl: You'd think.....


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