# Going back to the OM after divorce.



## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

Ok, I appreciate everyone's advice on my other thread. It looks as though we're moving forward to separation. My wife had an affair, physical and emotional, yet not sexual to the best of my knowledge. She says she's cut of all contact, and even let me into her email, facebook and phone for confirmation. Here are the major factors for why she wants a divorce:

She wants to be on her own for the 1st time (with her parents till 21, married to me till 23)

She doesn't want to stay just for our kids (5 and 10)

She says that the OM isn't a factor in her decision making, this would have happened anyway.

She admits that her inability to communicate or verbalize her emotions is her fault, and that I have indeed been trying very hard for the majority of our marriage

She doesn't feel that "spark" sexually or while kissing me, yet enjoys the sex (even mentioned being a friend with benefits?!?!)

Mainly, she just wants to try and be herself for the "first time" in her life.


I am still very much in love with this person, though I believe I've reached the point of being able to let her fly, with the hope that she may return, but not waiting for it to happen. I have been walked on through much of the marriage, though she isn't a bad person, just made some very bad decisions. She has been torn about leaving me, because she doesn't want to hurt me or our kids by doing so, but feels if she stays then she's "stuck" and won't be able to find happiness.

My question:
I had mentioned that though I'm hurt, and still love her and don't want her to leave, I know it may be the best for her, and I'd be willing to do that because I love her. I asked that she not go back to dating the OM, because if he's indeed not a factor in the divorce, as she says, then by going back to him, it makes him a factor in my eyes. On top of that, she wanted to leave mainly for the reason of being on her own, and that is definitely not being on her own. The OM is married, unhappily to a cheating spouse. I don't feel he would be good for my children, at least not at this point. Too early in the game. Am I wrong in this? Opinions and thoughts please. 

Thank you.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

Quick addition: When I mentioned not dating the OM, she said that that would mean I was controlling her after a divorce. I told her that I would have no control over her, but that I know my feelings. She could do that, but I felt that besides ending the marriage, going back to the OM would or could mean and end to our friendship as well. It would feel like being lied to by a friend, after being divorced by them. She still calls me her best friend.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

InsaneInLove said:


> Quick addition: When I mentioned not dating the OM, she said that that would mean I was controlling her after a divorce. I told her that I would have no control over her, but that I know my feelings. She could do that, but I felt that besides ending the marriage, going back to the OM would or could mean and end to our friendship as well. It would feel like being lied to by a friend, after being divorced by them. She still calls me her best friend.


I smell something rotten in this scenario. 

It reeks of the I need space excuse. 

I think she is indeed planning on going back to the OM. 

She may be thinking leading you to believe otherwise will have you treat her better in divorce court. 

I see a red flag on your field. Please be cautious.

I am sorry. Cheaters lie. 

Most Betrayed spouses have been walked on all their lives by the cheater, with a few rare exceptions. 

Even Shirley glass wrote in "not just friends" that the BS is giving more and the cheaters always complain they are not getting enough, but the truth is the cheater is not giving enough, based on her counseling experience.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I think you are fooling yourself. It seems like you are holding on to a dream that she will someday comeback to you. Lets also be real in the sex portion. If she was physical with him do you think it just stopped with kissing?

Lets remember she lied to you and had an A, so what has changed that you would be so confident that she would not lie to you about anything else?

You should point out to her that you are going to control who the kids are exposed to and she should get used to that fact. You question her judgment since she was able to break vows and treat not only you but her family as a doormat. She made the choice to have an A, she made the choice to lie to you, she made the choice to D.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

OP, my best advice is to stop trying to win your wife back. You're not at fault here. If your reconciliation had a genuine chance of surviving, she would've had to move mountains to atone for her actions. If you're something of value to her, she'll do these things pro actively. When you set terms like these, it just depreciates your sense of worth in my opinion. I suggest you apply the 180 for your own sake and use this time to figure out what you want in life as well. 

Don't be her back up choice if the green pastures turn out to be barren.

I'm sure you've heard of the 180 by now.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You believe this crock?

Where is Lordmayhem?

To put it simply. If she truly wanted to divorce so she could "be on my own for the first time in my life" another man in the picture would be the last thing on her mind.

Her response says it all.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

It took me 3 weeks, but I realized that I don't want to win her back. Let's just say for a moment that she is sincere, and does move mountains to come back to me. If that happens (not likely), I may reconsider things. I may not... my feelings will change the longer we're apart.

My question is still (especially for anyone who has been in this boat): Am I right (I know, silly choice of words) in feeling that if she goes back and tries dating the OM, after cutting off communication (lets just pretend that she is telling the truth), and divorces me purely on the "fact" that she needs to be on her own, and find herself... that she is in the ILYBINILWY, "best friend" only mode... that I should feel that my friendship is betrayed as well? I can honestly say that while it would hurt to see her dating again with anyone, I could cope. Dating HIM would just create more anger and resentment. I know I can move on, I know I can find someone else. I'm not at all concerned. I'm good looking, funny, got a pretty sexy job, and know how to treat a lady. However, the resentment of just that 1 person I know would affect me.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

There can be no friendship with a spouse after the divorce if it was mired in infidelity, not truly. It would have been tense and going through motions at best if it didn't outright fail so the friendship aspect isn't really important.

Put her from mind, focus on you.

You have to let go. Even in a mutual divorce, if they want to be away from you, they can't hold onto a part they like. Her problems, her issues, its of no concern to you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't believe it is healthy to divorce, but be best friends.

You need to let go. Who she dates after the divorce is not your business. Her dating the OM may hurt you more, but let it go.

Eventually you will find a new partner. Your new relationship will be so much easier if your EX isn't your 'best friend'. 

Divorce her and be done with her.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would just move on and take care of yourself develop some new hobbies such as exercising or reconnecting with old friends their are plenty of other decent folks to date or go out with and take your time getting serious with anyone and remember you do not have to be anyones plan b


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you expose the affair and name the OM to friends and family so they know the facts when she tries to introduce her new BF?

in the D see if you can get a morality clause barring the OM from being around the children for 6 months or a year.

Your 10 year old is old enough to know and understand that the OM is central to your family ending. While they don't need to hear about sex etc - they do deserve to be told the OMs name and that he is part of pulling their mother away.

Do not use the kids as a weapon, BUT don't make it easier for her to lie to them either.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

She told her best friend and her parents. I told her mother, my family and friends. They know the name. Her best friend and her parents have never met this person. She has a close work friend that knows all about it. If it is revealed at work, they would both lose their jobs. They have a very strict policy covering this. I have to be careful not to make myself liable for her income if I expose this and cause her to lose her job. My brother in law is a divorce attorney out of state, and I was strongly advised against that.

My children have met him twice. Before the affair came to light, he and his wife took me and my wife and kids to a baseball game. This happened during the affair.

Also to note: The affair started about 5 weeks after I buried my mother, who I have always been very close to. She went through a very similar thing with my father, who married the other woman. I was the same age my son is now.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

There can be no friendship with a member of the opposite sex it does not work.When i was younger i had another opinion not any more. 
And with your wife she cheated already ,what friendship is there, why do you draw the line only if she goes back to him, she was with him is that not enough
You can only be co-parents ,friendly but not friends with her , everything else to complicated


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

After the D, how would her getting fired for violating company ethics rules result in you owing her anything???

So while I get that playing nice before D is one thing - if she hooks up for coffee with the OM after the D - I'd be calling HR.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And you know her OM has a cheating spouse, how?

And his way to deal with a cheating spouse is to
Steal your wife???

Oh, come on, she is in the fog.

Loves you, but not in love with you, needs space, it's her not you, is not good enough for you... Was there a cliché she omitted from the list?

Oh, yes. Ask for custody of the children, so she can really have lots and lots of space for fu.... sorry, I mean for personal development.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Go dark on her , its over, something of the past , limit the conversation about divorce proceedings and about the children .

Shagy's makes a good point about the barring the OM from being around the children .


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

1. She took the affair underground. The only reason she's showing your her password, email, and FB, is because she got all new ones. This is about image control. 

2. You need to EXPOSE the A to the OM's wife. You don't know she is a cheater. Your wife probably told you that. It doesn't matter what she is, she deserves to know about the affair. Listen, ALL cheaters say they were in UNHAPPY marriages. Your wife was sold (and believes) a load of crap from the OM about his marriage. When you divorce, there won't be rejoicing at the OM household, it will be Oh Sh*T, she's free. Your wife will get thrown under the bus most likely. Cheaters like CAKE. That is their preferred state. Dynamic explained here The Unified Theory of Cake 

3. Your idiot wife likes cake too. That's what the whole Let's Be Friends! garbage is about. You are Mr. Backup Plan. Your name says it all -- InsanelyInLove. Don't think she doesn't know that you'd do anything for her. She'd like all the perks of "friendship" plus sex! (Hey, does the OM know? Yum, yum cake.)

SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Get clear on the concept. Friends don't lie to you. Friends don't cheat on you. Friends don't put their "happiness" above that of innocent children. Oh, and I don't know about you, but my friends live on planet EARTH not Planet Narcissist. Your wife is living in a fantasy world where she gets divorced, OM leaves his wife, and you'll be around to spoon cake at her. Perhaps you'll up your game to keep her. She'd enjoy that. That dynamic explained here: The Humiliating Dance of

4. You need to lawyer up and hit her hard. When you tell the OM's wife, it's gonna get real. It will not make him more available, it will make him less available. It's time to go on the offensive. 

5. If you do divorce -- and I think you should because she is a POS cake eater -- realize that you cannot control who she sees and what she does. Does it suck? Yes. Upside? You get a new life, and the chance to find a real partner and faithful friend. 

This is what I predict. You get divorced, and OM stays with his wife, and your wife gets to "try life on her own" as a single mother of two. Which she'll discover very quickly is not a stock that trades highly. It's much easier to find unicorns and rainbows and soulmate schmoopies with the safety net of marriage. 

Don't be her safety net.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

chumplady said:


> 1. She took the affair underground. The only reason she's showing your her password, email, and FB, is because she got all new ones. *This is about image control.*
> 
> 2. *You need to EXPOSE the A to the OM's wife*. You don't know she is a cheater. Your wife probably told you that. It doesn't matter what she is, she deserves to know about the affair. Listen, ALL cheaters say they were in UNHAPPY marriages. Your wife was sold (and believes) a load of crap from the OM about his marriage. When you divorce, there won't be rejoicing at the OM household, it will be Oh Sh*T, she's free. *Your wife will get thrown under the bus most likely*. Cheaters like CAKE. That is their preferred state. Dynamic explained here The Unified Theory of Cake
> 
> ...


As usual, this is right on the money.

Please take this advice.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> As usual, this is right on the money.
> 
> Please take this advice.


:iagree:

Please listen to these very experienced people !

Also

" It's not about the OM and would have happened anyway" ?

Mods: We need an emoticon for Bullsh!t


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

My dear OP. please wake up and smell the coffee. You seem to be in as much la la land as your wife!. She has told you she doesn't want to stay married. Given the circumstances, I am fairly confident she continues in her affair. file for D and serve her and don't look back. If she comes around and is actually repentant, then you can think about reconcilliation. But, I think you would be nuts to do so.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

InsaneInLove said:


> If it is revealed at work, they would both lose their jobs. They have a very strict policy covering this. I have to be careful not to make myself liable for her income if I expose this and cause her to lose her job. My brother in law is a divorce attorney out of state, and I was strongly advised against that.


[Everyone else pretend I'm not here, am on CWI vacay but called back via PM to post elsewhere, so this is just a driveby.]


Have you discussed this thoroughly with an attorney from YOUR state? I'm hoping this BIL is married to YOUR sibling, not hers (sorry if I missed that). 

You might be surprised to learn that her losing her job because of HER AFFAIR during which SHE violated explicit company policies that SHE KNEW ABOUT all along does not create as bleak a financial picture as you might think. In many states, it is not the divorcing spouse's "fault" that their other spouse lost their job through THEIR violation of company policies, and they don't owe them a dime as a consequence. 

Or, this issue may be a matter of strategic timing...but not off the table forever.

Discuss with a lawyer from YOUR state, free legal advice is just that, free. (It is illegal, BTW, to practice law in a state of which you aren't a member of the bar, for very good reasons.)


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You need to wake up and smell the sound of my bit(hslap across the back of your head.

All these posters have good advise. Listen to them.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She still calls me her best friend.

yeah, right!! With friends like her , you wouldn't even need enemies. The whole post gives me the impression that she still wants you good look in your eyes.(Maybe out of her own guilt or scared of you getting her fired I think). Is she a very image conscious person ?

* Next time she starts the "best friend" crap, just tell her that she is not your best friend and she will never be. You just don't treat a stranger so cruelly, leave about a friend/best friend/Spouse. But that you will still be cordial for the kids. And not to expect anything more than that, now that you particularly don't like her* then absolutely cut her off. No friend, nothing!! By being cordial with you and superficially taking the blame, she has little guilt in her mind(I am pretty sure she sold you the "We just grew apart" bull****) and it is stopping her from seeing the reality of her betrayal.

And she still wants to see the OM. No wonder she pulled the "controlling" card. If she keeps seeing the OM, tell her that you expect the cordiality to end too. Be firm and emotionless when you tell her this. She will obviously try to manipulate the situation. So stay wary.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And yeah, she is having sex with him.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I would bet money that she is still seeing the OM... just doing it underground. Look for a burner phone, check the computer history and get a var.

Have you told the other BS? You need to, if you haven't. Be kind to her and have evidence (she will likely not believe it t first).

You are making it really easy for your wife to leave. Do the 180, STAT.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

BOTTOM LINE your The Fool if you believe that BuLL$^&t she is telling you. EXPOSE THE AFFAIR.....EXPOSE THE AFFAIR....


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Loves you, but not in love with you, needs space, it's her not you, is not good enough for you... Was there a cliché she omitted from the list?


You forgot, 'let's be adults and have an amicable divorce.'


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

Thank you all for your advice and words. I can appreciate the anger you feel for someone who is going through something that you or a loved one has experienced. I'm not an angry person, and I'm hardly a pushover. This is the internet, all you see is what I type. I have no reason to lie, it doesn't benefit me at all.

I am a devout Christian, and have specific views that have made me a very forgiving person. I am only human though, and just happen to know most of my limitations, though not all have been put to the test. 

I understand my what my wife has done. I know she's not a a "bad person". I'm not validating or sticking up for what she did, to her or on these forums. She admitted that this whole thing, and the collapse of our marriage was her fault. I can see things I could have changed, but I'm not beating myself up over it, she never asked for a change and rarely talked about it at all. She is spoiled, selfish at times, except when it comes to her children. I've seen what she does for them. She's a great mother, maybe just not wife material at this moment. She's going to have to get into another relationship, go through the same things (which she will) before she can see what I've been saying to her. I hate that she'll learn it with someone else, but I can't affect that.

I love her very much, as I am a very forgiving person. But trust, after broken, is not given, it's earned. If she has no intention of earning it, then I will walk. We're sitting down tomorrow to discuss it. She still thinks that we can sit around the house for the next 6 months, just being together, and something may magically happen. Those are her words, not mine. I don't believe in magic, I believe in hard work to achieve results.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

InsaneInLove said:


> She is spoiled, selfish at times, except when it comes to her children.


Umm, I disagree with this statement because if she was thinking about her children she wouldn't subject them to a broken home. She's only thinking about herself. If you think that you can 'nice' her into coming back to the marriage then you are sorely mistaken. Drastic times call for drastic measures. I'm not a religious man but I'm very familiar with the teachings of the bible and I seem to recall something about 'if your eye offends you then pluck it out.' Well sir, your wife is offending you by her behavior.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

IIL -- Being angry is not incompatible with being Christian. It also not incompatible with forgiveness. 

Desmond Tutu (South Africa)



> To forgive is not just to be altruistic. It is the best form of self-interest. It is also a process that does not exclude hatred and anger. These emotions are all part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things: the depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.


That's from Archbishop Desmond Tutu (link above)

We aren't being angry because we're projecting on to your experience, IIL -- we're telling you from personal, painful experience WHAT WORKS and what DOES NOT WORK.

Cheater stories are banal, common, follow a predictable trajectory. 

You cannot Christian someone out of an affair. You cannot Nice them out of an affair. Anger -- directed, coming from a place of self protection and feelings of injustice -- can benefit you hugely. Keep you honest with yourself. Help propel you forward.

She is not going to change her selfish cake eating ways. YOU need to change. YOU. 

We've told you what works. Don't be her friend. Lawyer up. Set the terms. Understand that she is manipulating you and lying to your face about the affair. Get angry about that. 

If you want this marriage, she will respect you more if you have SELF RESPECT. She doesn't respect "nice." Your love means she feels entitled to eat cake and keep you as a nice back up. 

And you need to read on codependency. You're spackling. She isn't a good person. We are what we do. She isn't a good mother. She is breaking up their home because she CHEATED. She didn't work on her marriage, her issues, her disappointments, SHE CHEATED. That is incompatible with being a good person and good mother. She is lying to you now. Again, not what good people do.

You are MINIMIZING this. 

You need to wake up.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

Chumplady, you have no idea how much I appreciate your candid advice. I just have a twisted, and somewhat, sometimes, over-optimistic point of view. (I'm told I am the world's most fully-functioning, clinically-depressed optimist  )

I'm not some lost, hopeless romantic. I just feel a drive to fix things, and I don't like leaving anything unfinished.

On the other side, I have told her specifically, that I want to work things out. However, She has to complete the no-contact to the letter (not just saying she did it). She has opened her facebook, email, passwords, cell phone, and I have keylogged her computer, and have full access to further text messages via my phone company. She has shown remorse, but is confused. She has a strong will at times, and doesn't like to be forced.

I told her that I didn't do this, the mistakes we made in the past were not equal, and mostly on her part. The current mistakes are her fault, which she readily agrees. I WILL NOT accept her back, and yes she has to come back, I'm not going to grovel to make it happen, unless she can prove to me she is willing to move mountains to do it. If she is not, she knows she has to leave. The house is mine, as is most everything in it. Even her parents back me up on this. I said I would agree to mediation, however I will not sign anything unless it has been thoroughly combed through by an attorney (For several years, I was the general manager for a private club for our bar association of 7,000 attorneys, several of which are close personal friends). She knows she can't fight me, and this has her scared. In the past 2 days, she realized that I flipped things over, and have her by the short-hairs. I told her I'm done, if she wants back, she'll have to work for it.

Tuesday night I had a "come to Jesus" moment. I actually started strutting. I'm back to the gym (6' 180 lbs as it is), focusing on my life and my children. I told her if she wants to be a part of it, she can shape up, but I can't guarantee what part she'll play.

My original post was regarding my feelings about going back to the OM afterwards, when she has repeatedly said she is not currently seeing him, and her decision is about how she feels about me, and not him. I can't fix my marriage, I can't fix her. I would very much like to remain friends on some level. That will be up to her. Her decisions from this point on will make or break that. I don't need her, I never have. I chose her, and I want(ed) her. I will not be needed, I will be in a relationship where I'm desired, or it will end. Period.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

InsaneInLove said:


> The house is mine, as is most everything in it.


IIL, Do you live in the states? If so, then the house and everything in it is shared property. (Unless you had the foresight to get a prenuptial agreement.)


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If she comes back/stays---be very clear of her reasons---cuz you are propounding a strong reasoning of her staying, so she can keep her cushy lifestyle, and you will continue on as her bank

I am sure going into the big wide world, as a single D., woman with children, and an adultery tag on her, scares her big time---so she has plenty of reason for wanting to stay in the mge--------but bottom line does she still love you and want you------she has obviously recently let that love go to someone else---or she is compartmentalizing---

You have to decide what you want, but 1st and foremost, find out, bottom line, why she is staying, if that is in fact what is happening.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

As I said above...GET A LAWYER

Whenever you are dealing with property issues, when you are making choices that affect CHILD CUSTODY and if you own your home (even if the bank still owns it) your MOST EXPENSIVE ASSET that you may own...get legal advice from a lawyer who practices in the state you're in.

You want to rely on BIL's free advice from a state over, that is your right.

Unfortunately, what we see is that you are making many assumptions and taking various steps without FULL KNOWLEDGE of what the laws are.

What are the laws? Go find out.

By the way, telling her employer and they both getting fired is not revenge. It is called natural consequences of their deliberately violating company policy. That company has a much more explicit policy than MOST--for a reason. Whatever the reason, they want to know this information. This is not about revenge--this is about some people thinking they are entitled to act above and beyond the rules. People in affairs act like that in general. This company just spelled it out for them. They ignored it anyhow.

----------------------


As to the anger thing--unfortunately this is the Internet as you say. Which means, you are applying a broad brush to a bunch of people you don't know. Just speaking for myself--I am happily reconciled to a husband who cheated on me for 4.5 years. I am also a devout Christian. I realize that your comments weren't specifically directed at me--but I don't think you quite know what forum you've happened upon. This forum includes people who are not simply speaking from personal or anecdotal experience. Instead, they sift through hundreds of stories *just like yours* and glean what works and what doesn't. That amounts to far more collective wisdom than your average Internet hops might suggest. 

I hope you can appreciate it for the gift that it is.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> IIL, Do you live in the states? If so, then the house and everything in it is shared property. (Unless you had the foresight to get a prenuptial agreement.)


I live in the U.S. What I meant is that she has specifically asked that attorneys not be brought into this. (I know you all will say she has one anyway) The truth is, I have already spoken with more than one, and have actually gotten a lot of my ducks in a row. I have been proactive. The house is a lease, and I have spoken with the landlord regarding this. He knows that I am the only one who could keep up with the payments, and would be willing to renegotiate the lease with me but not with her. Our only assets are basic things in the house I could really give a crap about. The TV was mine before the marriage (old, but works great). Everything else could be divided equally without issue. Since we don't own the house, and can't break the lease as of now, I am the only one who can support it. Regardless, she has repeatedly expressed that if we divorce, she doesn't want to stay in this house. She wants an apartment of her own. I have text and emails to show this. (I have kept everything) Her parents have even told me (they're very much on my side and very angry with her) that if she tried for the house, they would financially back me, and not her. (they're very well off)


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Unfortunately, what we see is that you are making many assumptions and taking various steps without FULL KNOWLEDGE of what the laws are.
> 
> What are the laws? Go find out.
> 
> ...


I do appreciate this, really. I have been receiving legal advice from a local attorney I know very well.

The employer thing comes from the fact the my brother-in-law, a divorce attorney in the next state over, has specifically worked a couple different cases where the spouse who revealed an affair to the other's company got them fired and was court ordered to pay for the lost income until he got another job. On the flip side of things, he did say that he worked a case where a company was held liable for not revealing an affair, and was sued for their part in the BS's depression and medical costs.

In the end, revenge does nothing for me. If she's going to continue this, me babysitting her does no good. If she doesn't do it on her own accord, what's the point? I'm her husband not her father.

I do appreciate the comments from everyone. I actually appreciate the anger, because I'm not an angry person, and it feels good to have someone angry for me. Anger is a healthy expression of emotion, it happens because you care. I just deal with it in other ways. Meditation and prayer have always been my friend, and everyone here would be surprised how much it can do. If anyone needs help with this, I'd be happy to. Check out Scottish Moors (sold at Target). It helps give an amazing feeling of serenity, along with breathing exercises.

Thank you again for your wisdom, I truly do take it to heart.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Insane:
You love a woman who:
1. Cheated on her family
2. Is likely to continue her affair with a married man
3. Lies to you
4. Ignores her workplace's rules on inappropriate relationships

You should be protecting your children from this disaster. Do you want her instilling her values and shaping the character of your children post divorce? Think also about the message your kids will silently observe if you continue to accept this hideous situation. 

RUN don't walk away from her. Your chapter with her is done and thank God for that. Think hard about her character if she "turns it around" and wants to stick with you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Do you plan to start the 180. I think it will be helpful in your situation.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I guess to return to your very original question--is it a betrayal to you if she ends up with the OM after divorcing you and claiming the affair is over. Because you are "friends" and it's a betrayal of your 'friendship.'

The advice you will see here is how to end the affair period, if that is what you want. And it seems that is what you want, after all. I find it a perfectly reasonable view.

There aren't very many ways to end an affair. It is not unusual for people to post here, realize this, and stop posting--because the answers are always the same

--expose the affair to family and friends (sounds like you've done this)

--expose the affair at work if it started at work (you won't do this, because you don't want it to affect you financially with a divorce)

Affairs don't end if there aren't consequences. That is just the way life works. If you want the affair to end, if you think it's wrong that your wife divorce you and end up with this one particular man who has helped destroy your marriage, this is what to do.

Exposure is often confused with revenge. There is an incredible amount of irony here. It amounts to a societal conspiracy of secrecy where unfaithfulness is concerned. It is not unlike an older taboo on discussing rape--and frankly the anaology is apt. Why don't people like to talk about rape? They are afraid that as victims THEY will be blamed. Frank discussion of affairs, and their truth, is very similar. The victims seem to be the only ones left with shame--and the perpetrators KNOW this and use it to their every advantage.

Again, it is not about anger and revenge. Those are emotions you are ascribing to others here. But know this: studies show that human beings are terrible at correctly guessing the motivations of others. Surely, as a victim of infidelity yourself, you'd see how true that is. You can take the advice or leave it, because it is your life and you will have to live with the consequences. But these are the answers to your questions.


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## InsaneInLove (Sep 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I guess to return to your very original question--is it a betrayal to you if she ends up with the OM after divorcing you and claiming the affair is over. Because you are "friends" and it's a betrayal of your 'friendship.'
> 
> The advice you will see here is how to end the affair period, if that is what you want. And it seems that is what you want, after all. I find it a perfectly reasonable view.
> 
> ...


Beautifully spoken iheartlife. I actually have no other comment on this.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm with you InsaneInLove. About your original topic. I'm reconciled with my wife so this is not firt hand experience but I know I coul have a "polite" relationship with my XW in case we ended up divorced. Not a friendship, that boat sailed the moment she cheated if she wan't willing and eager to make amends.
But if my wife ended up with the original OM she wouldn't get from me more than robotic, bussiness like, text or emails relating to logistics from me. Life long. No chit chat, no emotional support, nothing. I'm sure I could acceept my XW to get a new partner, but not the original OM. Not in my life.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> I would very much like to remain friends on some level. That will be up to her.


Don't give her your power. Don't make it up to her. 

You seem rather passive in certain respects. I am very glad to read you've sought legal help and are getting ducks in a row. I understand you don't want to expose at work. But you have NOT exposed the A to the OM's wife, which I think is ESSENTIAL.

It's important whether you divorce, or if she has her come to Jesus moment. 

If you secretly hope she will choose her marriage, the strongest move you can make in that direction is to tell the OM's wife.

If you are resigned to divorce, you should tell the OM's wife because it is the humane, Christian thing to do. You would want to know if someone was cheating on you. The cheaters (your wife and OM) have muddied the waters because they told you (probably a lie) that the woman is a cheater herself. You don't know this. And it doesn't matter, she still should know.

It is not revenge to tell her. But, if you despise the OM, nothing will rock his world like telling his wife, if you ARE inclined to revenge. Telling is a CONSEQUENCE. An important one. You do it compassionately. But you do it. 

Your wife doesn't believe you will enforce consequences. She thinks she can play you. She thinks at some point, you will back off and compete to have her. She will drag her feet on the divorce if you push for it. She will say she wants a divorce, and then she won't act on it. Cake is the goal.

Please don't be friends with her. Co-parents, yes. But hold your "friends" to higher standards.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Oh and whatever you do, don't tell your wife you're doing it. Just DO IT.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Please don't be friends with her. Co-parents, yes. But hold your "friends" to higher standards.


:iagree:

I will never be friends with my ex wife. I'm friendly with her because we have two teenagers to finish raising. I also know that because of the kids we'll be tethered to each other for the rest of our lives. I have no problem sitting down with her to discuss what kind of car we should get for our daughter. However, it's all business. Nothing personal. Since she moved out in January, I've never once been to her new abode -- and don't intend to do so.

Friends don't rip the still beating heart out of their friend's chest.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

:slap:

doh, I forgot the most important one of all, telling the OWH / OMW.

Thank you for picking up my slack 

Is it a good thing, or a bad thing, that I'm already starting to forget this stuff now that I'm not on here every day?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Get a paternity test. If the kids are yours, then start making arrangements for finding somebody to help you raise them properly.
If she wants space, then give it to her by finding out where she is going to be and you go two thousand miles in the other direction.


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