# Salvageable?



## def1969 (Sep 11, 2010)

Wow...I can't beleive how many posts there are on the subject of infidelity out here. I've read through many of them trying to look for situations similar to mine, but each life is different; what applies to one situation doesn't necessarily apply to all. 

OK, I'll try to keep this as succinct as possible. We're a military (Air Force) family who've travelled around the world for the last 20 years. My wife and I met in 1993 and have since parented 2 kids (age 9 [special needs] and 15), endured time apart, and have settled into the midwest since my military retirement earlier this year. She started working for a company and launched head first into an affair that seems to be spiraling out of control, leaving a path of collateral damage allong the way.

My last year-long deployment to Afghanistan in 2007/2008 put us where we are today. We had our "normal" issues when I left, but this deployment was particularly difficult on me, and just as hard on her. Communication was tough there and when we did talk, it wasn't always pretty. Long story short, she befriended the coworker who works right next to her in what is effectionally known as a "cube farm", a collection of 6' X 7' corporate workstations. According to her, this third party was there for her when we went through our troubled times and although I'm not exactly sure how far things went, I'm pretty sure there was at least an emotional attachment. 

When I returned from Afghanistan in 2008, we immeditately got busy building a house, taking a vacation, and getting ready for my military retirement earlier this year. In the summer of 2009, we finally slowed down and established a routine. I cut the grass on Saturday afternoon, she ran to the grocery store, took the kids to sports practice, etc, etc, etc. Our sex life had slowed down quite a bit and when we were together, it was more out of a physical need than any true emotional inspiration. Hindsight being what it is, neither one of us really did anything to liven things up and so I guess it's safe to say we both fell asleep at the wheel.

Enter May of this year. I came home from work and BAM! She declared that she wanted "out" and I got the infamous, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line. Like an imature dork, I went bezerk and spent the next month trying to figure out why. She moved down into our finished basement, took her phones and displayed EVERY textbook sign of being in an affair. I began to suspect it and went on a personal quest to talk to her, analyaze phone records, monitor her moves, and just about every other anxiety building activity a jealous husband could muster. By the end of June, I had stopped taking care of myself and th family spirit had all but disappeared from the house.

As if things couldn't get worse, my wife's mother - a very trusted agent in her life - passed away in early July. She was devastated. I took the kids down to be with her and she was distant at best. I tried my best to help her father through his difficult time despite the "elephant" in the room and after the service - at the wake - my wife told me that life is too short and she would be seeking a divorce. Wow...I felt like just jumping in my truck and coming home. What the hell was I doing there? Anyway, I stayed there and drove the whole family home a few days later. 

The coming weeks would be some of the most anxiety producing times in my life as my wife of 17 years slowly began disintegrating our family. She spent less time with the kids, didn't do much of anything around the house...she essentially shut down. I can only imagine the pain she felt over losing her mother and seeing what was unfolding around us (I lost my father earlier in the year). As we approached the middle of August, it was all I could do to reassure her that our problems were resolvable while dealing with the suspicions of an affair. 

By the time I had behavior prone proof of who she was having the affair with, I asked her to take a vacation to her sister's house to get away from the situatiion to try and objectively assess the state of our marriage. I'll be damned if she hadn't already arranged a business trip with him to Atlanta, where her sister lives. She admitted to an emotional affair at that point and prayed it wouldn't evolve into something physical because she felt to attracted to him. At this point, I'm feeling pretty worthless. Anyway, they went down and she took him to her sister's house and spent time with both her sister and her father. You know what happened next...sex. 

OK, she comes home and the guilt is all over her face. Her hair is messy from a "busy" morning and she can't make eye contact with me AT ALL. Over the course of the next few weeks I learn that she's been unhappy for years (85% of our marriage), there's been little intimacy, and that it's time to move forward, towards a divorce. I told her that the divorce is all hers, that she would be the one to end the marriage and break the family apart. By now, the stress and anxiety in the house is absolutely incredible and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. We walk through the house trying to live as if we are separated, but it really doesn't do much to help the situation. 

In early September, my birthday to be exact, I came home from work with the epihany that perhaps PTSD from my last deployment could have driven an emotional wedge between us. She went off the deep end. She told me that she "doesn't' like me", and claimed that she was concerned for the kids safety (I've never given her a reason to think that in the past) and moved out to a friend's house within hours. She left me with our 15 year old and that was that. 6 days later, she moved back in, claiming that she didn't feel comfortable living with her friend. According to her, "I'm a big girl" and need my own place. Her and her lover have since spent countless week hours scouring the housing market in the area for rentals and has apparantly put in a bid for a house a couple towns over. 

Today, she is up north running a half marathon with her lover and her lover's brother and took our 15 year old with her. I can assume her motive is to socialize him to what she thinks will be her next husband, but that's just an assumption. I've leared that she submitted the "intake" sheet to the lawyer yesterday and it appears she may be actually going thorugh with the divorce. 

I really want our marriage to work, but it seems she digs this hole a little deeper each day and the collateral damage just seems to look unrecoverable. I look at her and can't help but look at 17 years of marriage, countless military moves through 5 countries, 2 kids, great memories, financial stability, and most important...my life partner. I can't begin to describe the pain as I sit back and watch as she turns on me like a rabid dog. I am, after all, the only thing standing in her way from what she sees as solace with her new soul partner. In my state, there's a mandatory two-year separation period before the divorce is final, but both parties can agree to waive the time frame down to 6 months. Part of me wants to drag this out through the 2 year period in hopes of reconciliation, but I'm not sure if that's the right move. Getting her back home is all strategic at this point, but not sure what the right move is. 

I believe what I'm dealing with here is a mid-life crisis and an affair she can't possibly walk away from. She works right next to the guy and there's no opportunity to move desks or offices as her and this guy are contractors working on a long-term project inside a larger corporation. She can't/won't quit her job and declines any counseling. 

I really hate to see this happen and I'm open to communicating with her. To make matters worse, our special needs child has just been placed on his 4th medication to curb his ADHD issues and behavior outbursts at school. This only seems it can get worse before it gets any better.

Thoughts?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Unfortunately, she seems absolutely determined to get out. If she's that determined, I don't really see anything you can do to change that. It sucks to have to accept that, but I don't really see any other options. 

Waiving the 2 yr separation requirement...well, that's really up to you. You know that's what she'll want. But, honestly, I don't know that shortening it is really a good idea. It is possible, unlikely but possible, that she'll wake up at some point and realize that this is not what she wants, and that she really wants to come back home. So perhaps leaving that two yr window there is a good idea. 

But then again, getting it over and done with may be best for the kids. Dragging it out for 2 years might give them false hope, or confuse them more. It might also give them more stability to get it over and done. And I know, from having 2 sons with ADHD myself, that stability and consistency is important especially for that child. 

I'm sorry I couldn't be more help.


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## def1969 (Sep 11, 2010)

Thanks. I suppose I should just see it for what it is...my wife trying to escape. 

For a while, I really thought this was just a mid-life crisis playing out. She had bought a new car, new clothes, etc, etc, etc. 

Another thing that makes this worse is pride. She has a TON of pride. I imagine that, at some point, enough family knew about what was going on and just couldn't look back out of pride.

If anyone can think of a way I can use her pride in this situation, I'm all ears.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

sorry to say that I think that she is moving on with her life.
she doesn't seem to want to work things out, at this point you have to look after yourself in every sense of the word, financially as well. 
don't worry about what she is doing, think of yourself and take care of you and your children at this point....
expose the affair to everyone around you and separate yourself from all the disrespect your wife is sending your way.....
keep an open mind about the future now and what it has to offer you.........good luck


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I have two kids with special needs, my daughter has ADHD and Dyslexia, my son has Autism and ADHD. Take this bit of advice with this one thing in mind, I know what it is like to have kids with special needs. So, I'm going to talk about your special needs kiddo first, before I give you my opinion on your marriage situation. You need to reduce the stress in your home. I'll say it again, you need to reduce the stress in your home. This is critical and key to your child's well being. It's common to roll through several medications for ADHD before you find the one that is right. But, the stress is going to off set the work you on doing there. It's important that you take whatever action you need to for your child's sake. Now I'll roll into the marriage opinion. Your wife is not thinking of the kids at all in my opinion. With a kids with special needs, she needs to either step out of the roll of mother and let you take on the responsibility or give up her life of fantasy and do what is best for her child that has special needs.

With that said, I think your wife is done. She's checked out and honestly, she probably checked out mentally long before your last deployment came to an end. She may have actually rather enjoyed the life she had as an air force wife. When life settled down and you retired, she didn't have the life she use to and looked for that new "high." I knew wives like this when I was in the army. Either way, you need to put an ultimatum on the table for her. Leave now and do not come back or work on the marriage and stay. Her coming and going like she has, staying in the basement, not sleeping in the same bed with you is something your children are very likely picking up on and your kid with special needs is going to be more adversely affected by this. If she chooses to stay, she has to end the affair, period.... do not pass go, no questions asked this is critical for the survival of your marriage. It may mean she has to quit her job, worse case scenario. Even worse than that, some companies fire employees for situations like this. At any rate, if she stays, your marriage stands no chance of recovery if she doesn't end the affair.

Exposure is another key element. She may have already introduced this guy to her family. But, if you reach out to them and expose this as the affair it is, assuming they don't know the extent of it, you might have them on your side. When I outted my husband, his family stood behind me 100% and he was forced to swallow his pride and do the right thing. He also had to do a lot of apologizing to his family for his behavior. His being outted also showed how much he had exposed them to his affair. This was something his family was not OK with. Tell her family/friends about it, let them know you want to work this out. They very well might stand behind you.

Good Luck!!


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