# Can it take a while before you know someone isn't right for the long term?



## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I know sometimes it's obvious right away that someone isn't right but what about when it's not. Can you be with someone for over a year before you realize they're just not right? What about when you enjoy the company and things aren't bad right now, but you know long term probably isn't going to happen. What constitutes a long term relationship?
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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think you can catch on late because other factors obscure your ability or desire to SEE.

what does the definition of a long term relationship have to do with anything?

Trust your gut.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it can take a some time to find out whether or not a person is right for a long term relationship with you.

I heard it suggested to date for at least a year before getting engaged. That life is a cycle of many years. So if you go through one year you will have seen a person in the many situations that repeat year after year. Then once engaged, do not marry for another year .. this gives you a second year to get to know them.

There are people who hide who they really are for a long time. That crazy 'in love' excitement lasts for about 18 months. Pretenders can usually keep up their act for 1-2 years as the 'in love' excitement keeps them going and keeps the other person looking at them through the in-love fog. After the 2 year mark we start seeing the other person for who they truly are.

just my 2 cents..


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

I really feel in a quandary. I've been seeing a man for about a year and a half. We had a few trust issues in the beginning. I caught him texting other women. We talked about it. He took the passcode off his phone and I haven't found anything since. But I'm not naive enough to think he couldn't just delete things if he didn't want me to find them. I don't like feeling mistrustful when I see him checking his phone but shutting it down when I walk into the room. 

His house is a MESS. He's a slob. He says that when he lives alone, he just doesn't care about things but that when he lives with someone, he's different. Am I supposed to just trust that and see??? Not sure I want to. 

He has kind of an immature sense of humor like calling me childish names and such. Overall, he's not a bad guy. He's great with my kids (doesnt have any of his own). When get along for the most part personality wise, though he does get easily frustrated and I don't have a lot of patience for that. I'm not real sure we have a lot in common and sometimes wonder why we've stayed together this long. I just feel like that though we get along well right now, I'm not sure I want to be with him long term. But I know how "just for now" can turn into years (it already has to some extent). 

Sigh.....
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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I concur with what EleGirl said. Since it takes 18 months to 2+ years for the initial infatuation hormones to wear off, you won't necessarily see the real baseline person until after that. You may find deal-breakers at any time before or after the infatuation period - before or after marriage, for that matter. At least you have a better chance of making a good choice if you wait at least two years before getting engaged, and another before marrying. It's far from a guarantee, of course, and even with negative information blatantly obvious, some people will ignore it and let optimism outweigh pragmatism, leading to a mistake.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

whattodoskidoo said:


> Overall, he's not a bad guy.


Now that's an underwhelming endorsement! I recommend that you don't let inertial turn this into your default long term relationship. (Chage that final "p" into a "t" and you'll know what I really think!)


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> Now that's an underwhelming endorsement! I recommend that you don't let inertial turn this into your default long term relationship. (Chage that final "p" into a "t" and you'll know what I really think!)


I know!! I feel like I can't think of a good reason to leave but can't really think of a great reason to stay either. I know ending it is going to hurt him a lot and I don't like that thought.
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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

whattodoskidoo said:


> I know!! I feel like I can't think of a good reason to leave but can't really think of a great reason to stay either. I know ending *it is going to hurt him *a lot and I don't like that thought.


You're very kind. Yes, it will hurt him, but it will hurt you more if you stay, don't you think? You'll both get over it, and probably be happier in the long run.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

whattodoskidoo said:


> I know sometimes it's obvious right away that someone isn't right but what about when it's not. Can you be with someone for over a year before you realize they're just not right? What about when you enjoy the company and things aren't bad right now, but you know long term probably isn't going to happen. What constitutes a long term relationship?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am just recently out of a 4.5 year relationship. I knew at about the 2 year mark. He was not for me. External pressures kept me in. I have nothing but regrets now.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I am just recently out of a 4.5 year relationship. I knew at about the 2 year mark. He was not for me. External pressures kept me in. I have nothing but regrets now.


Thank you for sharing your experience!! I'm sorry for your loss and regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

whattodoskidoo said:


> I know!! I feel like I can't think of a good reason to leave but can't really think of a great reason to stay either. I know ending it is going to hurt him a lot and I don't like that thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A good reason is simple human kindness. The perfect person is out there for him. Another good reason is that you're standing in the way of him meeting that person. Another is that you don't trust him. If you don't feel strongly about him and he is not trustworthy you have to ask yourself why you want to deal with the anxiety. 

Let him go. Make it a clean cut with empathy and gentleness.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tomorrow will be more difficult to end it than today would have been. And each succeeding day will only be more and more difficult. Breaking up with someone is obviously never easy but once it's done you'll be relieved. 



PS
The behavior with the phone is something that would make me uncomfortable.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If I were you, I would cut him loose. The phone thing would bother me, and because he isn't all that amazing otherwise I wouldn't be willing to work on anything. 

Incidentally I dated a guy for about 3 months - felt similar to you (but didn't have the trust issues). When I thought about him, my overall feeling was, "Meh." So I dumped him, and have never regretted it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Also, think about your kids. The longer you're with him, the more attached they're going to get...then when the inevitable happens, it will be harder for them.

Sometimes you have to have a relationship with someone to realise that they're not the right one for you. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you, it just means you don't work together as a couple.

Your gut is telling you something...you know you don't trust him. Trust your gut instincts because they're rarely wrong.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

It can take a while and we like to see what we want to see, not what is. A good exercise I learned to do was to regularly ask myself, "what VALUE does this man bring to my life?" 

I dated a guy for 8 months. Very fun, very sweet, but too laid back, not dependable, a slob in his apartment, never washed his hands after going to the bathroom (!!). Basically, not living like he wanted a real relationship and utterly set in his ways. I stayed with him for too long. I think during the 15th or so time I was cleaning his scummy toilet on a night I was staying over, I had my future as his maid flash before my eyes. I miss his personality but I'm not sorry I dumped him.


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## whattodoskidoo (Sep 13, 2013)

Satya said:


> It can take a while and we like to see what we want to see, not what is. A good exercise I learned to do was to regularly ask myself, "what VALUE does this man bring to my life?"
> 
> I dated a guy for 8 months. Very fun, very sweet, but too laid back, not dependable, a slob in his apartment, never washed his hands after going to the bathroom (!!). Basically, not living like he wanted a real relationship and utterly set in his ways. I stayed with him for too long. I think during the 15th or so time I was cleaning his scummy toilet on a night I was staying over, I had my future as his maid flash before my eyes. I miss his personality but I'm not sorry I dumped him.



I could totally see this happening! Wow!! Thank you for that picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Yes it can take a some time to find out whether or not a person is right for a long term relationship with you.
> 
> I heard it suggested to date for at least a year before getting engaged. That life is a cycle of many years. So if you go through one year you will have seen a person in the many situations that repeat year after year. Then once engaged, do not marry for another year .. this gives you a second year to get to know them.
> 
> ...


EleGirl, are you referring to someone only showing the best side of them or like, showing a different personality?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

In the beginning it's all about pheromones controlling your thoughts and actions, otherwise known as the honeymoon phase. Even if the other person does things you don't like you find you ignore a lot. 

Into that second year the reality of day to day life starts kicking in, it's hard for a person to keep their "perfect" act up for that long. The person you see every day is pretty much how the person is, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Also during that second year your pheromone levels start dropping and your brain starts functioning logically again, then you can clearly decide for me or not.

The last thing I want to say is for me personally age has made me wiser, at 53 I am much quicker to recognize those things I know I could never live with. So now I can enjoy the honeymoon phase and also see there will be no long term relationship in our future, and there's nothing wrong with that.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I think it can take a while to find out if somebody really is a good fit... on the other hand nobody is perfect and there will always be little things that bother you about your spouse... whoever he might be.

Try to figure out if it is things you could a) live with or b) change or c) if seperating is the kindest for both spouses.


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