# Please help me decide how to deal with in-laws that have been mean during separation



## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Long story short.H. separated from me on Christmas,convinced he wants a divorce.
His Mom came to visit 2 weeks later ,i asked her to help me with the kids because i was not doing well...at all.
She came and I wanted to talk to her about us. I knew that my H. told her that he wants out because he is not happy with me anymore,that I constantly argue with him BUT he did NOT tell her why . 
So when she came I told her the whole story and I only wanted to point out that I am not a bit*ch that wants to make her son miserable,that I argued and i accept my mistakes and will work on them BUT I argued for a reasons,his constant lies....etc.I wanted to tell her that I'm a good person,mother and wife and we did have some issues but i am willing to move forward and start from scratch.

Anyway she seemed sympathetic and seemed unpleasantly surprised when i told her the specifics about her son did to me ...She left hugging me and telling me that she and her H. will not get involved and that they respect us both...

SO....

2 weeks later I see my H. (came to move us out to another apartment) he looks at me full of hatred and tells me "i can't believe you told my Mother that you'll find someone else"...I was like ""what are u talking about"  .He basically said that this is what she has told him ,i was floored...how could she say something like that.
Than I remembered that at the end of the conversation...after me telling her how much i love him ,how sick i feel ,how i want us to work out...so at the end of the conversation i say something like "you know that's the easy way out ,He finds someone ,I find someone....You don't do this ...you fight for your marriage " So it was not intended to make her feel it's about us , intended it like a thing that people should do.

So out of the whole heart to heart conversation of me pouring my heart out of how much i loved him...and yes we had problems but not a big ones.I even pointed out that I'm a good wife,i never cheated and never intented to...that sich thing never even crossed my mind.....She goes home and tells everyone that I've Said "that" cr*ap.  

NEXT


few hours after he told me this and he said that he couldn't believe that i have said that,he said i couldn't believe you will say such thing to my Mother...he said I know you and i just couldn't believe..i told him that is because I have NOT..she must have gotten very confused....Anyways ..than he looks at me in the eyes filled with hatred and says "can i please my grandmother's ring back" ...the engagement ring that was given to me from him mother 8 years ago...very expensive $15.000 ring.
I immediately took it out of my finger ,in disbelief and was so hurt.It appears his parents told him that I'm going to find someone else and he needs to ask for his ring back.
I guess they were scared that i will keep it!
I couldn't believe that all they cared about is the ring,not the well being of their grandchildren for example.
They have said that they will not get involved and what did they do... fueled him with hatred over things that they comfortably took out of context ....because of the RING.

I have always respected these people, we've never had confrontation about anything,always took care of their needs. 

...weeks wend by i decided that i need to concentrate on my marriage and i never said anything about it...i haven't seen them anyways....My 2nd daughter's Bday came and I decided to be the bigger person and despite of how they intentionally hurt me i send an Email to invite them to the party.I was really nice,gave them the address...very pleasant Email.H was actually excited that i will do that because he felt awkward of how to handle them due to our situation.They have never missed a BDay party of the kids...ever.

So what i receive in return??!!...very cold Email informing me that they gave the presents to my H. ...basically "no thanks,we are good"

I was shocked of why would they act like that....

Now 2 months later ,H . decided to reconcile with me.We are getting back together at the end of next month,getting a place together...that's amazing ,I'm very excited about that BUT how to handle in-laws.
Today i received an Email from them,they were excited to see my oldest with H. yesterday,asked me if the presents they gave them were OK..even said at the end..we are thinking of you ...so fake...they know H. is getting back with me and they are kissing my a*ss now....ugh 
We will live in the same town,i will have to see them often and I hate that his mother spread this rumors about what I have said,i feel like i want to clear my name...i can forget about the ring and what not but I have been personally attacked from them and don't know how to handle the situation .I can NOT be fake and hug and kiss them (as usual) when i see them .Should I speak to them ,should I tell them that what they did was not right ? 

BTW ...they are late 60s,his Mother is very sweet but constantly brainwashed from his Dad.His Dad is very spoiled old guy,who always makes everyone do what he wants to do ,very strong opinions,hard to talk to. I'm dreading a conversation with him,i feel like it won't end well...although he is a good actor and can pretend quite well in front of people and than call them names behind their backs ( i've heard that a few times).


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Wish I could give you some advice, but I would be in the same position if W & I ever got back together !


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

As the problem is entirely based on a 'he said, she said'situation I believe the only way to put this the bed is for all four of you to sit round a table and discuss the problems. That way nobody can accuse anyone else of wrong doing.

If you approach them without anger or resentment could this not be resolved?

If you present your side without emotion and then let them know that you want to put it behind you, are they the type of people to respond well to a frank face to face discussion?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Well...i'm not sure if we can all sit on the table and talk.I think H. will not want to be involved in this conversation :/

Because nothing was said directly to my face I'm just not sure if I should say something because it would involve my H. ... and he wouldn't like it ,even if i choose to speak calmly with no emotion they can still count this as an attack.

I just don 't want to cause any more problems between my H. and I ...we already have a lot to resolve...

May be I should just pretend when I see them !

I do plan to do one thing though.If my H. offers the goddamn ring back to me i will refuse it...will tell him calmly to return it to his parents and if he wants me to have a ring on my finger than he should buy me one.
I pray he offers it back so they can get the message....if i can't talk about the other stuff at least I will have the satisfaction of letting them know I'm not a gold digger.

I've had that ring on my finger for years and I honestly didn't care about any diamonds...I wore it because it meant a lot to all of them.I honored his grandmother and his parents for choosing me to wear it BUT I 've had so many nightmares that I've lost it,so stressful ..I protected that thing as it were my baby.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I make you 100% right on the ring front. There is no way I would take that back either!

You are the only person who can decide the best course of action. I suggested the direct approach with everyone there so that your words cannot be twisted again.

However if you think that you can wear a happy mask when they are around and that would be the better course you just have to make sure it is the best course for your happiness with your H and family. Rather than keeping the in laws happy. 

As long as H sees your side and knows that you may be letting the issue lie, but you are not happy about it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think your husband spun what his mom heard in your conversation with her into something mean.

Your hurt feelings are a result of HIS actions, not hers.

Dont make his parents into scapegoats for what he has done. If you are reconciled with your husband, then move on from these feelings.

All concerned can move forward without picking at this misconstrued incident.

I really do not think your MIL thought ill of you during the conversation.

The negativity was introduced by your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Let me give you some future advice.

DO NOT talk to his mom ever again about your relationship with her son. He is her son. She gave birth to him. She will side with her son. Do not go to her to talk to her about what her son has done, or is doing. Keep ALL problems between the two of you.

If she ask "how are you two doing?" smile and say "very good."


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I have run into this same problem myself. The people who called me daughter, bought my wedding dress and would always love me suddenly changed when things went downhill with hubs and I.


They've said horrrid things about me, stated they think Im sleeping around, claimed to have seen me in cars with men all the time, I yell at him all the time, Im a drunk, I abandoned him, and they've been the driving force behind his "want" to be divorced.

they won't talk to me, want nothing to do with me, and his sister has even stated she wants to "beat my ass".

Good luck. Hubs and I are talking now, but I don't see a point where Ill ever really be able to talk to them again.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

4sure said:


> Let me give you some future advice.
> 
> DO NOT talk to his mom ever again about your relationship with her son. He is her son. She gave birth to him. She will side with her son. Do not go to her to talk to her about what her son has done, or is doing. Keep ALL problems between the two of you.
> 
> If she ask "how are you two doing?" smile and say "very good."


YES that i have learned the hard way...i will never ever talk to her/them about it....i actually will not talk much to her at all...anything about the grandkids but that's about it...They will learn the hard way too I guess.

I actually didn't mean to make her take sides and i told her that when we spoke ,i told her i love her son and i just wanted to let her know that I was not being mad at him for no reason at all. That was my point.AND i loved that she said that they won't take sides..... 
I mean these are sixty something old people,they should be wise and they should help and see how they can help save our family. The problems that we had were ridiculous so I was expecting understanding....and what did they do...not only didn't help but fueled him with hatred.


> I think your husband spun what his mom heard in your conversation with her into something mean.


His father is actually very verbally abusive to his Mom.He calls her names in front of people,she never does anything right...that kind of guy.So I suspect that she went home ,told him the conversation and HE twisted the words and made her believe that this is what I meant...Ugh I hate that guy...I mean his own son never liked him.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Timing is weird with you guys right now starting R.

What we have decided and I read somewhere in that stack of books was the your spouse really needs to stand up for you when it comes to parents. 

Whenever an issue has come up, the spouse needs to stand up for the partner over parents. We both have talked to our parents and drawn boundaries and made it clear that the spouse is more important than them.

You husband should probably call and talk to his parents about how what they said wasn't right. Its really his job to talk to his parents about fakeness / hugging / other issues.

Also, maybe its because I work in material science, but diamonds and gold are pretty much irreverent to me. Does a $50 titanium band mean less than a $500 gold band. We are also going to buy new rings soon as part of the R. We spend less than 400$ on wedding rings (titanium, 2 bands + a saphire ring), and will spend less than 100$ on new bands and will resize our band the 1/2 size max that you can resize titanium. We've also gained a little bit of weight, so the bands don't fit as well. Find a ring online (in store is INSANE) that is new and special if that works for you guys.

Thats what we did; I hope some of it fits your situation.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Anx..you're right about the parents thing BUT i guarantee he won't do it . He's too scared from his dad...thing from the past...very strict father to him...hard childhood because of it.

We'll his parents will be fake and nice now...I just have to decide if I can swallow their twisted words.

The ring thing...i think exactly as you..i don't measure love with money.I don't care about rings at all,he wanted me to wear it because guys kept hitting on me and were thinking we have a fake marriage because i don't wear a ring but he could have bought me a fake one and I wouldn't have cared.
It'll be very interesting if he ever asks me to wear the same ring again...we shall see.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

4sure said:


> Let me give you some future advice.
> 
> DO NOT talk to his mom ever again about your relationship with her son. He is her son. She gave birth to him. She will side with her son. Do not go to her to talk to her about what her son has done, or is doing. Keep ALL problems between the two of you.
> 
> If she ask "how are you two doing?" smile and say "very good."


This is very true. I have learned this myself. But I was very careful in what I say to my mother in law, just because I had a friend go through a similar situation. However, my mother in law is a little more open, but that doesn't mean I pour out everything all at once. Instead I let HER do the asking and I tell her what I feel is enough for her to know. If she asks, I'll give her a straight answer, but I never volunteer info. My husband is a lot like his mother and they kind of go through this sensory overload if you say too much.
But its true, mothers will mainly side with their children, especially their sons. In many cases, their sons can do no wrong, and when you point out their faults, they refuse to hear it. Maybe because its a reflection of them and their child rearing skills, or maybe they just refuse their grown child is a ****. In any case, you can't really do anything about the mother in law now. As long as your H knows and understands there was a misunderstanding. You can only move on from here, and be civil with the in-laws. I'm sure they will keep their trash talking behind your back (I know thats not comforting but it may be a reality), but hopefully your H isn't a mama's boy like mine and is able to think for himself. If he can make decisions for himself without mama's influence you can at least breathe a little bit easier. 
I understand what its like to have some hard to get along with in-laws. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Sakaye..H. is not a mama's boy at all...he actually hardly sees them,he doesn't like to hang out with them much...
So I'm lucky with that and I'm sure HE knows that I didn't say what his mother said I did.We will discuss that more when we get back together,we haven't spoken about it since that day.
Thanks for responding ! 
Good luck with your H.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Two books I got from my counselor that I recommend to everyone: 1. How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It (Love and Stosney) and
2. Co-Dependent No More (Beattie)

Some observations from what you wrote:
1. Your inlaws don't have a healthy marriage, so your husband likely doesn't know how to have one. You both need to find a really good counselor and not just sweep this under the rug. 
2. This blog showed me that in one case--when one partner is cheating--it's more than ok to go to his/her family with it. It's necessary (search Aftercare on the site.) Other than that, no matter what your reasoning, they are likely going to side against you--if not at the time, later on, anyway. Don't value their opinion of you over your opinion of yourself. Yours is valid. You were there. Plus, ITS YOURS. And you can't control other people anyway-just yourself. Life gets simpler and less stressful once we accept that.

2. As far as that 15K heirloom goes, it was never really given to you, was it? Think about it: From where I stand, it may have physically been transferred you, and technically you own it, but obviously, its family sentiment and cash value are more important to your husband and his family than any silly vows that are now associated with it. I don't think I would want any ring from him. I wonder, did he give you his heart too, or was that on loan as well? 

I was the same as you--faithful, in it for the long haul. I was up against some real issues--depression, alcoholism, infidelity. I protected my husbands image from the public and his family, (and from my own family, until he decided we'd split. I never told his family, since it seemed pointless then.) Everyone on his side has divorced. Seems like the family tradition. I can remember his mom in her kitchen 10 years ago, mad because her ex (my H's dad) wouldn't pay for half of his daughter's braces. She said (this is at a family gathering, with kids running around,) "I just want to stick a knife in his back!" I can only imagine what they say about me now, while my sons are visiting. But I can't control that. Be the you you are. Make sure your kids know you love them. What more can we do?

I wish you A LOT of luck. But if your marriage doesn't make it, that doesn't mean YOU failed. It takes two.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Ha! I can't count to 3.


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