# I sort of cheated....



## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

Ok, not sort of, I did cheat. Not in the way most people normally think of when they hear the word cheating. At least not fully. But it is cheating none the less. I've been married to my wife for 5 years. During this time and even before I have done many different things to cheat. I have many times attempted to illicit sexual relations with other women. I have kissed other women. There has been heavy petting, Pictures have been traded, I have received OS on one occasion. Some of these things my wife knows about, many she does not. We also have a 6 yr. old daughter. My wife and daughter have been on vacation for a week down at the beach. The other night I met a woman and we made out and such... I broke it off before anything really happened. I usually do, I try to convince myself that it makes it ok. It doesn't though, I know that. My marriage has a lot of problems, this isn't the only one...but I really want it to work, to do that I know I have to come clean. I'm going down to the beach in the morning and will be there with them and my in-laws for a week. I want to tell her ASAP, but don't know if I should tell her when I get down there. I don't want to ruin their vacation, but I don't want her to think later that the whole vacation was a lie either when I do tell her.

Help me please! I don't know what to do...


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Wait until they come back. If you drop the bomb while they are on vacation, then vacation, not just this one, will never be the same for your family. If your marriage survives this, NEVER let the family take another vacation without you, or at least not for a very long time.

Just keep in mind disclosing all of this to her is just the beginning. There is a lot of work to be done and I doubt the two of you can do it on your own. Counseling can help. Another route my spouse and I took was to read "Getting Past The Affair" together, working through the exercises at the end of each chapter.

Good luck!


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

We've talked about counseling in the past. But we can't afford it.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

You need to spare no expense in this. Be happy that your marriage has a fighting chance. My wife cheated on me, left me, and is now determined to never let me know where she is. 

You have no idea how lucky you are. Get the both of you to counseling. And don't ever cheat on her again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

1whoneedshelp said:


> We've talked about counseling in the past. But we can't afford it.


If you think counseling is expensive, wait till you price out a divorce!

Seriously, as someone who has cheated... Give up the cheating and drag your issues with your marriage out in the open where they can be dealt with. No matter how painful the conversations are. I wouldn't do it while you're on holidays; wait till you're back home. But either deal with it properly, or end the marriage. For her sake and yours. You're not doing her any favors.

When you talk to her, don't give her the trickle truth, giving her pieces of what happened over a period of time. Don't lie to her to protect her feelings or make yourself look better. Don't tell her you "sort of cheated". Don't blame her for your decision to cheat. Offer full transparency into your communication; cell phone, email, Facebook...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> If you think counseling is expensive, wait till you price out a divorce!
> 
> Seriously, as someone who has cheated... Give up the cheating and drag your issues with your marriage out in the open where they can be dealt with. No matter how painful the conversations are. I wouldn't do it while you're on holidays; wait till you're back home. But either deal with it properly, or end the marriage. For her sake and yours. You're not doing her any favors.
> 
> ...


As someone who cheated also - this is top notch advice. Do this!!!


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Let her have her vacation. She will always remember this day and you don't want it to be when she is on vacation. It will hurt a little bit more because of that.

Do not have sex with her until you tell her. Trust me. That parts kills me inside. That I have had sex with my husband after he had touched someone else. That should be her choice not yours.

Tell her EVERYTHING. Don't all of a sudden get an concious and leave out what you think might hurt her more. She needs to know EVERYTHING.

Do NOT say anything about your marriage being bad or anything about her as a wife/lover/mother/friend (even if you have something to say). Just tell her what you did and answer questions as they come. What you say to her in the moments and days after she finds this out will make or break her as a woman. Don't let her believe this is her fault.

Contact a MC immediately. Get a second job. Sell oranges on the highway. Sell your kidneys. I don't care how you do it, you have to do it. You have to show her you want to fix this and if she doesn't believe that she will either leave you or stay and think you never wanted to fix it (which is worse).


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

PBear said:


> When you talk to her, don't give her the trickle truth, giving her pieces of what happened over a period of time. Don't lie to her to protect her feelings or make yourself look better. Don't tell her you "sort of cheated". Don't blame her for your decision to cheat. Offer full transparency into your communication; cell phone, email, Facebook...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So....offer full transparency into communication. Are we talking past, or present? Or is it both? This scares me a little, she would be so hurt.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

1whoneedshelp said:


> So....offer full transparency into communication. Are we talking past, or present? Or is it both? This scares me a little, she would be so hurt.


Full disclosure, that means the past as well. IF you are truly remorseful and want to fix your marriage, then you had better be completely on the LEFT side of this chart. Don't evey try to rug sweep!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is no "sort of" in your cheating.

Stop trying to fool yourself that what you did is not as "bad" as some other definition of cheating you're working up in your mind.

OWN IT.

You are a serial cheat.

Stop doing it and repair yourself and your marriage by being truthful.

But you can wait until your wife gets home from vacation to be truthful. You cannot wait until the end of the vacation to stop your crappy behavior though. It must stop immediately!


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

My daughters Birthday is the week after we get back from vacation. I'm guessing I should probably wait until after then too?

Here is another question. I know my wife didn't deserve for me to do this. I feel guilt, or at least shame. But I also feel like this isn't a one sided issue. I don't think that she has been cheating on me. But I do feel like I'm not getting what I need from her (I'm not just talking about sex). I know that by no way this makes what I did ok, but is it wrong for me to feel this way?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Do not blame anyone for your failings.

If there are problems in your marriage work them out with a professional marriage counselor.

Your decision to serially cheat is strictly your own. Nobody is making you do this.


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

michzz said:


> Do not blame anyone for your failings.
> 
> If there are problems in your marriage work them out with a professional marriage counselor.
> 
> Your decision to serially cheat is strictly your own. Nobody is making you do this.


I understand that it was strictly my decision. I don't blame her for my actions ...well, maybe I am letting myself a little, but I know in my head that it has been my decision and not hers. I know when I tell her she is going to be extremely hurt. But does that mean I can't be hurting as well?

I guess my question is really more this:
There are multiple issues with our relationship. While my cheating may or may not stem from these issues, it's probably best to discuss the cheating by itself when we talk about it? And deal with the other issues in their own context?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You need to lay out all the crap in order of intensity.

Start with:

I'm a serial cheater who has been recklessly sexually intimate with other women for a a long time now.

end with:

I don't like the pajamas she wears.

Any attempt to deflect attention from your own crappy behavior to something else will be seen as not owning your sh!t.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Michzz is right. You are doing a little bit of blameshifting here. Not completely, but some. You have to be humble and remorseful when you tell her, and not say BUT HERE'S WHY...

Come out with it. It will then be HER decision whether or not to stay with you and work on your marriage. If she does, consider yourself lucky. Only THEN can you tell her what you haven't been getting in the marriage, as part of the recovery/rebuilding process. 

Have you expressed your complaints before? Even if you have, cheating was not the option. My W did the same thing - it's the easy way to deal, and the cowardly way.


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

So would it be a good idea to find a marriage counselor and start discussing it with a counselor there who can help call me on any B.S. I might put out?
Or should I tell her first and let her decide if she even wants to give it a shot?
I've already done enough to hurt her, so which of these options would be best for her? (I know, I just never should have done anything in the first place to put her in this situation...)

The truth is I'm feeling really messed up at the moment. I know I've got a lot of crap I need to deal with. I just don't know how to. I know that I've been B.S.'ing myself and everyone else. I mean, all I have to do is look at where I've gotten myself. I have all these thoughts and feelings flying around through my head though, and I'm not sure how to process them. I need therapy. I know you guys aren't therapists. So until I acquire one, thank you for your directional assistance. I can't begin to understand how those of you that have been cheated on feel, and I thank you for your thoughts and words. I know that I can't just magically make things right for her, my child, or me. I just don't even feel like I know where to start, other then by telling her, and I'm not even sure how I'm going to do that.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Great advice so far. Just want to say that your marriage CAN survive this.....but only if you accept 100% responsibility for your actions. Your marriage problems did not cause you to cheat. Your inability to use healthy coping skills is the core issue. I can't stress this point enough.

No marriage is perfect. I'm sure there are many ways that you are not meeting your wife's needs, but that doesn't give her a free pass to go and cheat. Same goes for you.

I feel sad for you because chronic cheating is a sign of you being a pretty unhappy person. Seeing a psychologist who can help you figure out what issues are really at play with you and your cheating (low self esteem, fear of commitment, of responsibility, of being suffocated, etc.) will really improve not only your marriage, but your life. These problems don't just go away without some effort. And your wife may only be able to consider staying in the marriage with you (a chronic cheater) if you get serious help. I know it would be a requirement for me.


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Great advice so far. Just want to say that your marriage CAN survive this.....but only if you accept 100% responsibility for your actions. Your marriage problems did not cause you to cheat. Your inability to use healthy coping skills is the core issue. I can't stress this point enough.
> 
> No marriage is perfect. I'm sure there are many ways that you are not meeting your wife's needs, but that doesn't give her a free pass to go and cheat. Same goes for you.
> 
> I feel sad for you because chronic cheating is a sign of you being a pretty unhappy person. Seeing a psychologist who can help you figure out what issues are really at play with you and your cheating (low self esteem, fear of commitment, of responsibility, of being suffocated, etc.) will really improve not only your marriage, but your life. These problems don't just go away without some effort. And your wife may only be able to consider staying in the marriage with you (a chronic cheater) if you get serious help. I know it would be a requirement for me.


I know...I'm a mess. I haven't been able to deal/cope with a lot of things. Now I just want what's best for me, what's best for her, and what's best for my daughter. I owe it to them to put them first from here on out, and I'm scared to death that I'm not what's best for them.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

1whoneedshelp said:


> My daughters Birthday is the week after we get back from vacation. I'm guessing I should probably wait until after then too?
> 
> Here is another question. I know my wife didn't deserve for me to do this. I feel guilt, or at least shame. But I also feel like this isn't a one sided issue. I don't think that she has been cheating on me. But I do feel like I'm not getting what I need from her (I'm not just talking about sex). I know that by no way this makes what I did ok, but is it wrong for me to feel this way?


I think it's common to feel that way, but you need to lose that thought. As others have said, every marriage has problems. Most likely, you and your wife contributed to those problems. Possibly equally, possible one "more" responsible.

But you had choices... You could have forced counseling. You could have gone to her and said things need to change or xxx will happen. You could have simply decided to end the marriage. But you (and I) made the decision to cheat on our spouses. That's entirely our decision, not our spouses. We are 100% responsible for that decision. Nobody forced us to make that phone call, to write that email, to meet that partner. We chose to do that, entirely on our own.

Having said that... To fix your marriage, those things that where issues need to come out and be dealt with, or they'll be waiting to be issues in the future. Her forgiveness (assuming she's willing) will be meaningless if you cheat again.

As far as the transparency goes... If you want to reconcile, your past, present, and future need to be an open book. Your comment about her being hurt shows that you don't really understand the magnitude of what you've done, and what you need to do in the future. You, my friend, are in for a long painful period of time. Your wife is going to be incredibly hurt, regardless. But it's what you need to do to try to fix your marriage.

Good luck.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Marriage counseling is a must, as long as your wife is willing. It helps to have an unbiased third party navigate the rocky rebuilding process, because it's doubtful your wife will want to hear about your needs for a while. Having a therapist bring up marital issues is less threatening and less likely to make the loyal spouse defensive.

On the night I discovered my H's infidelity, he tried to tell me our lack of saving each month "hurt him" in our relationship. I felt a visceral rage I'd never experienced before. I hissed, "How dare you!" and proceeded to tell him that NOTHING in our marriage justified him cheating. Absolutely nothing. 

We have savings and do save, but it's his childhood issues that make him feel it's never enough. Yes we could've done better, but it was a few weeks before I was able to face any real marital issues in therapy. Bringing them up before the LS is ready to hear it, is like rubbing salt into an open wound.

I agree you need to tell your wife everything. It will hurt, more than you can possibly imagine, but it'll hurt more if you lie. The lying is equally as painful as the infidelity. If she asks a question, answer it truthfully. If you know it will hurt her, ask how much detail does she really want to know. Some people want to know everything, but then regret getting too much info. Do whatever she asks. If she catches you in any kind of lie, you will shatter her trust even more.

You mention your wife knows you've "sort of" cheated before. What does she actually know? Did you already make promises to never cheat again? Have you been busted and lied your way out of it? These are things to keep in mind when you confess, because she'll probably want to re-examine anything she's questioned in the past. DO NOT LIE, you'll only get caught in a lie later and will go right back to square one.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

1whoneedshelp said:


> I know...I'm a mess. I haven't been able to deal/cope with a lot of things. Now I just want what's best for me, what's best for her, and what's best for my daughter. I owe it to them to put them first from here on out, and I'm scared to death that I'm not what's best for them.


No marriage is free of issues but please be a man for once. Your wife deserves to know the truth so that she can truthfully know what the reality of her marriage truly is and choose for herself whether or not to continue with the marriage or not.

No man who loves his wife does the things you have done.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

I have very little to say in connection to such noncommittal men - it made me feel ill reading this thread. My own marriage issues flashed back to the times (3) when after my H became involved with other women, he would leave clues like event tickets on his bedside table and start acting as if he had done something wrong like a child would do. His uneasiness in public made me uneasy. He constantly looked over his shoulder even in the supermarket! Each time it was if I had to RESCUE HIM and end the affair for him by piecing the puzzle together, then approaching or contacting the OW. And still he would never apologize for the affair or want to even discuss the whys. These CHILDLIKE men should never take a wife (get married) and as their "mothers" we pray they will eventually grow up to become decent men. Women to them are like toys; made to be played with, broken and replaced at their discretion.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

From reading your posts, I think you have significant personal problems to work out and of course the marital problems.

Everyone here is so focused on the cheating but that's just a symptom. From what I get from your posts, there is no 'other woman'. You have not fallen in love with anyone else. I think what you have done is very different from someone who is having an affair with someone they have fallen for. In those cases, someone else is in the marriage and this is a big problem and a threat to the marriage. In your case however, you can fix things and look forward rather than backward.

You have marriage problems and your wife already knows that you haven't been a saint. It sounds like you are both very much aware that things need to be fixed. Why focus on the cheating? That's the least of your problems together. Fix yourself and your self esteem and work on your marriage. I strongly believe that both people and relationships can and do change over time. Pull yourself out of this dark period and change yourself and your marriage. I'm sure most will disagree but I just don't see the reason to tell her that you kissed janet behind the hotdog stand or that you felt sally's leg that time at the bar, or that you and Paula had a dirty chat on the internet. You are already ashamed of these things. Look forward, not backward and focus on the real problems. Otherwise, your transgressions will become the focus of your problems as a couple and you'll never address the real problems. Others will probably say that you must disclose all before you can even begin to fix the underlying problems. I disagree. The cheating is tangible. It's easy to understand (you fooled around with someone and you shouldn't have - easy, black and white). Focusing on the cheating will enable you both to avoid facing the difficult things - the problems in your relationship which are more complex and perhaps even more difficult to own up to.

I stand by this advice unless I've misunderstood and there is an 'other woman' out there that is threatening your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all--your thread title's wrong. You didn't "sort of cheat" you DID cheat.

Own that first. Cause if you don't,you can't work on anything else.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Couples if he hides the extent and nature of his problem how can he and his wife work on the problems. She will not have the entire scope of the problems and her view of what changes are needed is based on very limited information. More importantly, why should her decision to stay or leave be manipulated by him? Should she decide if she wants to stay in a marriage with a serial cheater? She has that right. 

You can not heal your marriage based on lies and dishonesty, that's what has gotten you into this mess. From what I have read the happiest marriages are those that are as free of secrets as is possible. moreover, you sound as if you need to tell her and the secretive nature of your transgressions is a major part of the angst you are feeling now. Do tell your wife and be there with her to help her through the pain. Do everything you can to make your marriage a strong and loving one in the future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Couple, aside from letting his wife decide if she wants to be married to a serial cheater, 1who needs to confess inorder to be held accountable for his past actions. He no longer deserves her trust and has proven himself untrustworthy. He can't begin to earn back that trust by more lying or lying by omission. By confessing nothing, he gets to keep her trust and continue exactly as he did before. He only will disappoint himself if he fails and cheats again, because he won't have to answer to a wife who questions him.

Plus, cheating may be a symptom of other problems, but those problems do not always stem from the marriage. Marital problems can exacerbate already existing issues that come from within the cheater. By not confessing everything, the cheater can focus more on marital problems and things they want their spouse to change. Leaving the cheater to avoid facing their own demons and the heavy introspection and personal growth needed to make sure it never happens again.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

you call os and making out with other women "sort of cheating"? Do you have any scruples at all? Are you for real?
If this is the kind of life style you like, then why did you get married? If your marriage is that bad, then get out of it...cheaters always get caught, one way or another.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'm not being harsh, only being real for you:
There is no "sort of". You cheated. Repeatedly and knowingly, went out looking for it, played the game, often, and you knew better and knew what you were doing before, during, and after you did it. 

Own this in your own mind first, because if you take your half-hearted attitude and approach to your wife when (if) you ultimately do 'fess up, you will trickle-truth/lie about it, and cause even more damage.

It at least sounds like you really want to change. Then _change_. Half-hearted ownership of what you did and why you did it will not drive you to change, will not fix what's wrong with you and with your marriage. Listen to the advice here: Lying about what you did is in many ways worse than doing what you did. It compounds the issue and makes it more about whether you're ever going to respect your wife again enough to be open and truthful, even when it hurts. There a book called Naked Intimacy; I believe you'd benefit by learning about the powerful nature of being able to be real with someone. "The truth will set you free".

I respectfully disagree with couple on not getting it all out in confession. She needs to know what she's trying to forgive you for if she's going to do so. And if she's not, she's got a right to know that, too, so that you two can together decide what the future looks like. But I do agree your issue sounds more like cheating as a manifestation of deeper issues with you.

You've got a lot of work to do, good luck to you.


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your replys. Let me make one thing painfully clear. I know the title of my thread includes the words sort of. Please also note the first lines of my thread, in which I admit that I definitely cheated. It was never my belief that I only sort of cheated. I was desperate to get sound advice quickly and I knew by putting that in the thread title people would take notice and hopefully have something useful and helpful to say. Most of you did. So again...thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

1whoneedshelp said:


> Thank you everyone for your replys. Let me make one thing painfully clear. I know the title of my thread includes the words sort of. Please also note the first lines of my thread, in which I admit that I definitely cheated. It was never my belief that I only sort of cheated. I was desperate to get sound advice quickly and I knew by putting that in the thread title people would take notice and hopefully have something useful and helpful to say. Most of you did. So again...thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're proceeding as planned, now should be the time to anticipate the questions you will receive from her. I hope you'll be 100% transparent. The first question, and it's the question that will be asked repeatedly, is *why*.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

KathyGriffinFan said:


> If you're proceeding as planned, now should be the time to anticipate the questions you will receive from her. I hope you'll be 100% transparent. *The first question, and it's the question that will be asked repeatedly, is why*.


Just a suggestion, your responses to this question needs to begin with "I" and NEVER with "you".


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

I just told her. Thursday is our daughters birthday. I had to tell her though, I was afraid that if I didn't now I wouldn't. Now I don't know what's going to happen. All I know is I hurt her and its all my fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1whoneedshelp (Jul 30, 2011)

I'm a mess. I'm waiting for her to ask questions. The only problem is I'm not even sure what my answers are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then you better find out STAT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

DO NOT make up excuses. DO NOT blame her. DO NOT devalue her pain.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

1whoneedshelp said:


> I'm a mess. I'm waiting for her to ask questions. The only problem is I'm not even sure what my answers are.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your answers should be the truth. If they're not, you've just pointlessly hurt her.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goodwoman (Dec 11, 2009)

I completely agree. My H got busted in texts asking someone to dinner and a movie while he was out of town. However, he is a major blame shifter. You have to humble yourself if you plan to have any chance.



michzz said:


> You need to lay out all the crap in order of intensity.
> 
> Start with:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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