# Please Help me. I'm going crazy.



## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

I am new here. I've been going through the worst grief of my life over the past few weeks. I saw this sight today and it helped a bit so here goes. 
My boyfriend and I have been the best of friends since we were 12. We've been there for each other through break ups. My divorce from an abusive husband. The birth of my child and my being a single parent. Just the worst catastrophes 2 people could face. 
At some point our relationship began to change and we became more than friends. We were serious about each other. We moved together. Took vacations. His family accepted my child as if she was their own, especially since everyone knows my ex husband had left the picture and we haven't heard from him in years. 
I can honestly say up until 2 weeks ago I thought everything was great. We were a family. I noticed a mutual friend of ours hung around a bit to much. I told my bf I thought she liked him and I didn't feel comfortable around her. There was just something. On 2 occasions he insisted I was insecure and nothing was wrong. I fell back and tried to be a good friend to both of them. 
I always looked on his phone for his internet but suddenly I saw more and more messages from her. Asking about our sex life and way to much personal info. When I asked him about it he said she had gotten in some trouble with a guy she was with and needed advice. Well that guy happened to be mine.
We were on a trip and she came with us and some other friends. He was so nasty to me. I told him i felt something was wrong. Cried my heart out to him. He yelled at me. The first time in 12 years he's ever raised his voice to me.
I told him I wanted to go he said no. I'm a miserable person and he didn't realize how different we were. Well he left me in the car for hours while everyone else had a great time. I prayed for guidance and help and suddenly I saw her phone and found messages they sent each other. 
I confronted him and he told the truth. I don't know i just lost it. I fought him and made him get the children together at 11 pm to go back home. I walked to her and she just said sorry. I tried to walk away but I couldn't. I cussed her out and beat her up. The betrayal I felt was just so overwhelming.
She had been in my house. Around my child. Pretending to be my friend. All along she was having sex with him and he was having sex with me. My best friend!!!! 
To say I've lost my mind over the past few weeks is an understatement. I can't stop thinking aobut it. He has apologized and begged me not to leave. His famiily has begged me not to leave. I don't want to but the pain I feel is so overwhelming. The person I trusted with my life betrayed me horribly.
To make matters worse the girl lives right next door. She is since moving away and has done all she can cause she feels so bad. She claims she knew he loved me and she just lost herself for 1 week when it happened. He's ashamed. His family is really religous and they know. 
I just don't know what to do. I can't focus at work. I cry myself to sleep at night. He thinks I should move on and lets work on it. How he'll never do it again. How he hates himself. I realize that even good people make mistake. But I don't understand how the greatest person to me could be the worst person. How he could love me and be with some one else. How he could hurt me. 
I think about it all day. I'm at a loss. He doesn't understand how I feel. I could just die from the agony. How do I ever trust him again? I love him yes but I don't want to hurt anymore. I wanna get through it but how do you do it? How does it get better? When does it get better? The rage and pain in me is just ridiculous. Please help me. I'm losing my mind. 
Please help. Thank you so much.


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## jenniferh (Jul 8, 2009)

I am going through something similar. All I can say is that it will hurt just as bad if you split up as it will if you stay together. You have to decide if it is worth putting in some time to see if you can learn to forgive him, if you can believe that you are his focus now and he won't be dishonest again. That is what I am grappling with. Every day brings with it new challenges, and you have to use your faith in God to bring you back to yourself. I told my H. that I didn't want to know all the details, that it would only make me hurt worse. I believe he did have sex with another woman, but if I dont actually hear it from his mouth, I can learn to forget. That is my delusion, anyway.
I wish you luck, and feel free to vent any time. We are here to listen to each other and try to help.
Best,
J.


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## goatz (Jul 21, 2009)

Sounds like an unfortunate but common problem. If you haven't left yet and could than that tells me that you would hurt more without him. I would make him gather his and your family together and tell the entire story then apologize for his actions to everyone. He sounds like he is very remorseful, and this could be the shame he needs to be true to you forever. If you tell him this is the only way you will stay with him and he does it than he meant everything he said, if he doesn't do it than he doesn't care enough and you should move on.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Thank you both so much for responding. It feels good to know someone out there understands. I have been praying to God to guide me..to get this pain and rage out of me and replace it with joy. I know God works on his own time and that I have to be patient. 
I know he is remorseful. He came home from work today upset that every one at his job knows. He works with some of the people we went on the trip with and you know people talk. Everyone keeps telling him how he messed up and some of the guys tease him. He hates it. He's so ashamed of it. The thing is he has such a concious that for the life of me I don't understand why he would do such a stupid thing because its killing him to deal with it. 
His entire family knows. He told 1 person. I told 1 person and ....so on. He says this is our personal business but I feel its his shameful business. He did it so face it!!!! The fact that his Mom knows and she just looks at him with disgust eats him alive as it should. He wishes he could talk to her but he doesn't want to face her.
I love him so much. I know its killing him but its kiling me too. He made the decisions for me. He slept with her 3 times. You don't do that by mistake. He put my life in danger. He feels bad now...but then all he could think about was his pleasure. I don't understand how he could even look at another like that cause I sure cant.
I don't want to leave. I told him I no longer feel happy in our home because she's been here. He finally offered to move. He should have been done it.
Everyday I look at him with so much ove then so much sadness. I don't think he'll do it again but how do I face this?Does it get a little easier each day? I just want to be happy. 
I hate that I feel all this emotions. I only have 3 right now. Sadness. Anger. Sometimes okay.
I'm working on forgiving him but its hard. How do I let go? How do I make love to him and not think about him with someone else? How do I not wonder about our other friends? 
We're determined to make this work but not the first clue how. 
Thank you so much for responding. I promise it means the world right now. Thank you both.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What jumped out to me is where you said that he doesn't understand how you feel. How is it that he can't understand? All he needs to do is imagine that you had done this to him. The pain should be obvious. The questioning about truth, trust, and can it ever get back to normal should be obvious.

You say he's remorseful. Honestly, it sounds like he's more embarrassed than remorseful. If you hadn't caught him, how long would this have gone on? I think that's a very important question to ask him. Now that everyone knows, he wants to put it behind HIM but you don't get that luxury. It just started for you. 

I would have him move out at least for a while. He just doesn't get what he's done. When he says he'll never do it again, I am betting that if he hadn't been caught, he would have done it again (and again). And if he did it once and didn't make it end on his own, I'm not sure I'd believe that he's suddenly reformed. ESPECIALLY when he can't comprehend your pain or your position.

I'm really sorry.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Thanks Dobo. He understands how the concept of how I feel but he says it was just sex. I know he loves me but its even more of the deception game they played. The chick was leaving in a week for Ireland and would be gone for 6 weeks. He thought she would leave and life would be back to normal. He didn't want to hurt me but he's glad I know about it. She said the same and that she was stupid and meant nothing to him. I'm sure it meant nothing to either of them but it meant something to me. He gave away a piece of me. My trust, my security, my peace. Thats what itsn't clicking to him. 
Don't get me wrong he's embarassed and ashamed because he knows it was morally wrong and he had a wonderful woman at home. He's sorry that it not only hurts himself but the entire family. It affected us all. 
I don't think he'll do it again. I am not certain but I do know that he's not the type of guy which is why this is so shocking. I've been with deadbeat losers but not him. She made him think that he could possibly be someone else because she comes from money. I tell him its like he had a midlife crisis in his twenties. He's back to reality and he's trying. He's a good person that did a bad thing. I know that but it doesn't stop my heart from hurting. 
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me rant.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Today I am better. Not good but better. Goatz you helped me out a lot and made a lot of sense. He has spoken to his family about the situation. His Mother is very aware. And I know he is remorseful. As we try each day I realize that I am still so upset. I have flashbacks of her coming to my house. I am unhappy in my home. She said she would try to move but I'm not certain how that is. 

I would like to know why is it that the decisions he made have to affect me so much? Uproot my life and family? I had no part in that. I'm so angry. I look at him with so much love. And then the other part of me looks with disgust. How could he be so weak and do that? Yesterday he touched me for the first time without me thinking of them and wanting to throw up. But afterwards I thought about that someone else had a part of me and got enraged. My rollercoaster ride lives on. 

Don't get me wrong I did things too. I might have taken him for granted. I did actually but I still wouldn't have done this. I'm grateful we are together. I'm grateful that we are in love and are trying to work this out but I'm still so upset. When does this get better? 

He is ashamed and mad at himself. Hell I'm mad too. I have to make a concious effort to not continously bring up the subject since I have opted to stay and make it work. And I am going to make it work but why would he do it? Does anyone know why a man would stray for sex when he has it at home? When his woman is beautiful? When I cook, clean? I'm supportive in all he does. We were happy!!!! Why would he do it? Is there a reason? He says its not me he just ***** up. But why?


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## goatz (Jul 21, 2009)

Men are attracted to the prospect of having sex with many women, and depending on the guy and circumstances, a situation may develop that something like this may occur. It isn't you, it men. In general men have grandiose dreams of having a harem. He just unknowingly put himself in a position where he would do this, and the excitement clouded his judgment. I've been in similar positions but chose to break away from it for fear of losing what I have, but there have also been times where if given the opportunity I might have. I'm not defending him, but in general this seems to be the mentality of a typical man. Just don't put him under your thumb hard, you may make him so depressed he no longer feels like a man, or he could grow to resent your relationship. Be authoritative but positive, and let him know your the one steering the relationship for now.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Beyond, 
My H has it all at home. We have the best sex he has ever had in his life (his words), I am a darn attractive woman, I work FT because I can make more than him, and he stays home with our boys. I hit the ground running as soon as I walk thru the door each night and help out with whatever he could not get to that day. His friends love me, his Dad and sister love me...we are honestly a perfect match. 
But yeah, he cheated on me. And, damn if it didnt have anything to do with ME. He has issues from his past that he has never dealt with, and he chose to run rather than fight to fix himself. He picked a girl who is about as screwed up as you can find, because she made HIM feel like he had it together. Took him almost losing everything to hit his bottom and to begin the work of healing HIMSELF...and it took me a bit of backing off to let him go thru that. So, look at your H. Whatever caused him to behave so stupidly, it was not your fault. He's gotta get himself straight, and you have to learn to let go; let go of feeling like its somehow your fault, and eventually you will have to let go of the anger, otherwise you can never move forward. I do NOT dwell on it, becuase if I do, i'm living in the past, and I cant change it. I'm looking forward to my future. I can't give you a healing time frame, because it happens at its own pace, but I can tell you it DOES get easier. Hang in there!


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

goatz said:


> Men are attracted to the prospect of having sex with many women, and depending on the guy and circumstances, a situation may develop that something like this may occur. It isn't you, it men. In general men have grandiose dreams of having a harem. He just unknowingly put himself in a position where he would do this, and the excitement clouded his judgment. I've been in similar positions but chose to break away from it for fear of losing what I have, but there have also been times where if given the opportunity I might have. I'm not defending him, but in general this seems to be the mentality of a typical man. Just don't put him under your thumb hard, you may make him so depressed he no longer feels like a man, or he could grow to resent your relationship. Be authoritative but positive, and let him know your the one steering the relationship for now.


Not all men dream of having a harem. Some of us just dream of having one woman to love. Who will love us back for whatever and whoever we are. I dont think I could handle the craziness of more then one woman. Thinking about it makes me cringe. Its hard enough to keep one happy.



John


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Goatz and Mommybean you are both correct. Since I know he's not the type to typically cheat I'm sure he got caught in the excitement and she made him feel that he could be someone else and was on top of the world. Well he fell back down to earth. But see when he did he realized that his reality was better than that stupid dream world she had him living in. And while I will never understand, I'll always try because I love him.

I see that he is hurt because of it. He didn't just hurt me, he hurt everyone connected to us. However, I'm sure he's learned his lesson. 

Each day gets a little easier. Yesterday I was a little sad but I went and supported him at his softball games and cheered like I normally do. I couldn't understand how it meant so much to him now when this is what I always did before. He said I'm brave for staying with a fool. How absolutely grateful he is that I stayed. On the ride home he apologized because he knew. Even when I go through the motions he knows when I'm thinking about it. 

I think I'm just so upset because she preyed on me. As my friend. She took advantage of my being a good friend and being around my child and family. True he was just to stupid to see because she was throwing it at him so he took it. Thats what hurt. His stupidity and her deception. 

I did cry last night but not out of my usual anger and despair. It was a cry of relief. A cry that I know he loves me and that this will work and that we will be stronger than we ever were. We won't stop trying. 

I love him. We're the perfect fit. The perfect family. Like you said Mommybean I'm hot!!! LOL. We both work. He owns a business and work a day job. Come home, cook, clean, put the kid to bed and get to it. And you are right. A few days ago I didn't realize how I kept bashing him and he thought he was going to move out. Now I keep my mouth shut because he knows what he did. And when he sees my face he realize what he's done and he's remorseful. I couldn't see myself without him.

Goatz as a woman maybe I'll never understand how it was just sex. Not when he's my man and thats my sex. I mean I can't. But since he's been my best friend for 12 years I do understand he made a mistake. He's a guy that hasn't been with many women. You could literally count on one hand. He's never had it thrown at him and never been in that situation. I've been his best friend so I know. But you live and you learn. I tell myself the good thing in all this is it happened right before we got married. I hope that we'll have a smooth ride, at least in this apsect.

Thank you guys much. I always need to hear what you say and I sure do appreciate it. It makes me feel so much better than you probably know.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

John,
That was him. The one woman guy. Crazy because out of no where of never cheating and having an awesome relationship he slipped and fell hard. He cringes now because he realizes that its worse than he thought. He almost lost the best thing in his life and was damn close to losing his life too!!! LOL. Thanks.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Here goes the roller coaster ride. I keep having all of these random thoughts. Places that all 3 of us have gone to. Even when they were f******. I find myself angrier over and over again then I start crying cause I can't get this pain off of my damn back. So unfair. Soo unfair. And to make matters worse this beyotch lives next door to me. Who the f...is that stupid that they cheat with the **** next door????? I'm so so mad. No matter how he tries to make it okay and say he love me. So did you or did you not love me when you were sticking it in her??? I mean am I being absurd and ignorant? I know everyone says to move on. Well that moving on is not going as fast as I would like it. I just hurt so bad. I hate living in my home. In my neighorhood. I go through my camera for pictures of my child and what do you know this bi...is on my camera. Anger and more sadness. I just want to choke the b..cause maybe I'd feel better. I know I popped her a few at first but I dont think it did me justice. I'm mad at both of them. But what the ***kkk made her think I would share the man that I'm marrying with her. Who does that????? Is that not disgusting???? I could just throw up now. NO I am going to throw up now.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

BREATH - BREATH - BREATH - JUST BREATH - if that is all you can do for now - JUST BREATH!! I know the anger is so overwhelming, so consuming but I encourage you to look at your child, find some pics of them, happy times, through all this - you have a wonderful beautiful child, - your child will be your salvation through all this. 

It is not fair - but you need to consider seriously moving. You can not live with a constant reminder of this person so close. The sooner the better. 

Remember - JUST BREATH - we are here for you - you will get through this - someone said "what doesn't kill us - makes us stronger" - I truly believe that!!

If it helps go biking, get some exercise - find a way to vent your anger - take up kick boxing, karate -etc - the physical aggression on a bunching bag is amazing therapy!!


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

still reeling said:


> BREATH - BREATH - BREATH - JUST BREATH - if that is all you can do for now - JUST BREATH!! I know the anger is so overwhelming, so consuming but I encourage you to look at your child, find some pics of them, happy times, through all this - you have a wonderful beautiful child, - your child will be your salvation through all this.
> 
> It is not fair - but you need to consider seriously moving. You can not live with a constant reminder of this person so close. The sooner the better.
> 
> ...


Steel Reeling,
I've considered kickboxing severely. :iagree: At this time though I'm trying to see if this chick is going to be relocated or will we. I want to move but all of our family lives on our block and we're happy. This homewrecker needs to move. Have you ever been so mad that you hate somene? I know its wrong but I'm almost there. 

You are right though. I do not need to stay anywhere near her. Its not fair to have to see her everyday. When I try talking to my bf about it he gets upset like I thought we were having a good day. So when are we going to talk about it? I do not want to see her again. We all see I have an anger issue and the disrespect fuels that. 

I just want this sh...t to go away. It has consumed my life. It affects me at work. I cry at my desk. In my car. Like I have split personalities. Gosh I couldnt imagine being married and dealing with this again. Been there done that once. I want my life back. I keep thinking about that Julia Roberts movie with Dennis Quaid when she's like "Is there anyone else f...cking my husband that I should know about?" LOL That made me feel a bit better. Just a little cause she was not playing games. I'm a mixture of her character and the sister. 

I'm sad but thanks. I went and purchased a bunch of music that always made me feel good no matter what. It helps.... Thanks for being there. I appreciate it.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Hopefully she will move - but on the other hand - starting over - I mean completely over - moving somewhere else - new job - new life - may be what you need - hell what we all need. The constant reminders are here, the only way to let them go is to leave them behind literally. I want nothing more than to just move on - some day I hope to renew our wedding vows because right now I can't even look at our wedding pics without feeling sick to my stomach and crying and it has been over a year now since I found out about everything. We have been married for almost 13. But knowing now that he slept with someone else two months before we got married and stood up there and looked me in the eye on our wedding day - I just feel it meant nothing to him, it was all lies, a formality. When I think back now - it all makes sense. All the fighting and arguing right before we did get married. I just wrote it off to the "wedding jitters" - and now I know. I resent the hell out of him that he still went through with the wedding and didn't tell me. Would I have gone through with it????? That I don't know - but he took that decision away from me, took that right away from me and now I resent him for it. Sorry - I guess I am having an off day today. Thanks for listening - our anniversary is coming up in Oct and he will want to do something special, last year was like a fog and I went through the motions, this year I think I might be sick - isn't it sad I am already dreading it........:scratchhead:


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Still Reeling,
We all have those good and bad days. Luckily, today is an okay one for me so that I can be there for you. I totally feel you on the resentment. I am glad to find out about this before marriage so taht I may make that choice. However, I do wish you could have been as fortunate to make that decision. Love is hard. I wish it wasn't that way but it is. Isn't it crazy how our instints tell us something is wrong but we brush it off. You thought it was jitters but all along his concious was eating away at him. I wish we could all just pick up and move. Lord knows it helps to have a new beginning. A new life. If I win the lottery I'll give you lots of money to move. I know the chances of it is like impossible but hey you saw it could happen to you!!!

Today, I prayed. The first time in a really long time I opened my heart up to GOD. My bf and I had lost our connection. You know with the new friends we acquired and lifestyle. Not all new friends are good friends. I found out the hard way. However, in praying I cried and apologized to God for him not being my first priority over all in my life. For not consulting him in the decisions that I make. For loving him but yet still thinking I could handle situations myself. And for calling on him when I'm sad instead of praising him when I'm happy. I would say that my bf and self lost our minds. We were once close to God and let these people get in the way. So I felt so much better after the prayer. I knew that Jehovah would see me through.

So today my bf, his mother, the kids and I went to breakfast. And I always feel better around his Mom because she keeps it real and does't sugar coat. She plays no sides and have no favorites. Thats the absolute best. Later she took me with her friends to a picnic. I felt so special and comfortable like I haven't felt in so long. One lady said I looked sad right at the end of the picnic and hugged me. Saying she felt like she'd known me for years and invited me to their Hall. You know how you sometimes forget that there are good people in the world? Well today I was reminded of them. I felt good. Happy. I wasn't around my bf but each day I am assured that being with him is the right thing. We both lost our way just in different ways. We needed God's blessing and didn't ask for it. Our bad literally.

So today hurt. But the pain was dulled by the goodness of God and of his people. Now don't get me wrong I've never been the most religous person, but I've always known that God is the key to my inner peace. So I want to know why if I'm not at peace, have I been trying to handle this on my own? 

I hope that this somehow makes you feel better and maybe you can take time out and pray. Away from the kids. Away from the H. Just you and God. And then I think it would help to pray with the H. I do pray it gets easier for you. I really do. I have to let you know you've helped me so much. I hope that I can be there for you and return the favor. I'll say a prayer for you tomorrow and say "Lord please bring Still Reeling some peace".  I smile and am so serious. By October things may be so much better. Things will be better. You'll see. Hope you have a good night. TTYL I'm sure


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Thank you Beyond for thinking of me and the million dollars!! LOL

Yes that did help and I appreciate the prayers- we had a good weekend, spent a lot of time together and with the kids as a family. Was stress free and emotional free for a change. I needed that. I am sure your prayers for me were answered!! THANK YOU!!!

I am glad you have a good relationship with your BF's mother, that is important - no matter how much you may not see eye to eye (you and her that is) she is a truly important person in your relationship. 

I have to go give blood - but wanted to post and say THANK YOU for being there for me as well. I take great comfort in sharing with people who truly understand what we are going through.  

(will post more later)


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Today is not a good morning for me. It started off good at home but now at work I have all these thoughts in my head and its totally distracting me from my job. I just can't seem to shake the why did he do this? Why didn't he love me enough to say no when she jumped on him? Why did she do it and she was supposedly my friend? Why did she take advantage of me? And why do I have to be the ones thinking of it every waking moment of my life because i doubt they are. I'm so sad today. I tried to say a prayer but found that I"m so mad and sad that I don't know what to say to God. I've already cried a bit at my desk today. This is taking over my life and I just want it to stop.

Last night I cooked dinner for the first time in who knows when. Cleaned up and watched a movie with them. It was okay but I found that as I was cleaning up afterwards I still took a shot at him. Its like I want him to hurt how I hurt. I'm so pissed and sad. I hate her. I do and I shouldn't. Why be so jealous of me and come in my home and do that? And why is he so damn stupid? She wasn't even attractive. Seriously. They ruined my life. And when I did talk to her a week ago she was like you guys are meant for each other i can't believe i almost f....cked that up. Please don't leave him. So she just wanted what I had.

I just want these thoughts to leave. I want amnesia. Seriously I do. I just want my life back. I look at him and want to slap him sometimes and then I want to kiss him. I am losing my mind. I think I am seriously going crazy. How do you make it stop? I've had a hard life and this is by far the worst. I can't even focus at work!!! That sucks... 

Somebody please respond before I bang my head on the desk!


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Lostandconfused said:


> Dear Beyond Betrayal,
> 
> You are NOT alone!!!!! Every word you said could easily have come out of my mouth. I understand and it sucks that someone else can have such impact on our lives. They took away our happiness, our ability to trust not only them but even our own judgement.
> 
> ...


Thank you much. You always make me feel better. I pray your day is better too. 

Just got off the phone with the bf and he wants me to stop coming to the site because he thinks it brings up memories and makes me sad. 

First of all I come to the site because I already feel sad. I need someone to help me though it. Hell I probably need a therapist cause I feel absolutely nuts. Now all of a sudden its about our family. Me and the baby. Those 2 have been my universe. My life revolves around them. He's the one that said f..ck the family to go f... trash. He did that not me. Not me. 

I love him and am trying to get over this. But they just slept together earlier this month. How the hell should I be over it that fast. If I did then I probably didn't give care in the first place. He doesn't understand that. Let me had done this and see if I would still be living. 

Everytime I look at a calendar. I know the days. I know I was home sick from work. I know what happened. I wish I didn't. He tells me some days I"m myself and some days I'm someone else. No I'm never my damn self and when it seems that I am I"m just pretending. I don't know when I'll be the same. If I'll be the same.

I hate that I love him so much. I would have never did this. Guys try to get me all the time. I only have eyes for him. Would not even consider it. Ever. He is my heart so why is the feeling not mutual? It should not have taken for this to happen for you to know you can 't live without me. Now you wanna buy me trips. Now you want to spend money and do any and everything. You should have done that before. 

Now I'm a nervous wreck with some type of anxiety problems. I can't breath sometimes. Get a damn clue. You f..cked me up. I'm f...cked up and I can admit it. I'm so lost. I don't know how to make myself happy. Just knowing he touched someone else or he had moments with someone besides me.

Explaining this to him he will never understand i guess. I suggested he come on here and maybe he'll understand. Maybe it would have helped him. He just wants to forget it happened. Easy for him to say.

Sorry I"m venting but today is one of those days I just want to die.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Lost,
Thank you for your prayers. I spoke with my future mother n law today and sister n law and feel a bit better.

I've just been having a bad day. Some are better than others. I'm NOT suicidal. When I said I could just die I wasn't saying it literally. I think we may need to go to a Counselor together and I could probably use a little anger management but I'm really not sure the latter would help.

I just have these thoughts and memories and its messing with me. Affecting me as it should the man of my dreams violated me. I have been praying cause I know that no one can help me get over this but God. I'm getting myself together. Slowly but I'm working at it. 

I appreciate your help and all the advice I've gotten from the forums. It has helped. Still heartbroken but its an everyday challenge. Thanks. Good night.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Beyond - You need to keep doing whatever it is that helps you get through this terrible ordeal. Do not listen to him - if coming here helps then keep coming. This is about you - not him - your right HE DID THIS - HE DID THIS and now he has to live with the consequences!! You are not the same person, you don't want to be the same person, you are better, stronger, you will get through this. I wish that I could say you won't think about the "days" and what you were doing or what was going on then. You can't go back to the way you were - but you can learn to grow together in a new direction, away from the memories that haunt you and make new good memories. 

I started coming here about the first of the month and in the year I have been dealing with this I have been given more helpful advice and support in that month than I could have imagined. Your pain is too new and fresh to be over it so soon and he shouldnt' expect you to be until you are ready. He needs to understand that this will take time and he needs to be supportive every step of the way. Healing is not easy - if it were this board would not be here. 

As far as the "anxiety" attacks - stop what your doing and just breath, they hit for no reason sometimes and you feel like the wind got knocked out of you, they are awful and I had never experienced anything like that until now. They have subsided in last few months. It will get better. The pain will ease and as long as he is there to support you, you will survive this. But this will take time, days, months, years I don't know the answer - but time and in that time you can work to make your relationship better, make yourself stronger and transform yourself into the person YOU want to be.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

still reeling said:


> Beyond - You need to keep doing whatever it is that helps you get through this terrible ordeal. Do not listen to him - if coming here helps then keep coming. This is about you - not him - your right HE DID THIS - HE DID THIS and now he has to live with the consequences!! You are not the same person, you don't want to be the same person, you are better, stronger, you will get through this. I wish that I could say you won't think about the "days" and what you were doing or what was going on then. You can't go back to the way you were - but you can learn to grow together in a new direction, away from the memories that haunt you and make new good memories.
> 
> I started coming here about the first of the month and in the year I have been dealing with this I have been given more helpful advice and support in that month than I could have imagined. Your pain is too new and fresh to be over it so soon and he shouldnt' expect you to be until you are ready. He needs to understand that this will take time and he needs to be supportive every step of the way. Healing is not easy - if it were this board would not be here.
> 
> As far as the "anxiety" attacks - stop what your doing and just breath, they hit for no reason sometimes and you feel like the wind got knocked out of you, they are awful and I had never experienced anything like that until now. They have subsided in last few months. It will get better. The pain will ease and as long as he is there to support you, you will survive this. But this will take time, days, months, years I don't know the answer - but time and in that time you can work to make your relationship better, make yourself stronger and transform yourself into the person YOU want to be.


:iagree: I've been thinking today that I need to be the strong best person I want to be. For me. Stop putting everyone in front of me and focus on myself. You're the best. Thanks. I appreciate it.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

:smthumbup: Yeah - positive thinking!! You are a great person and a strong one. You just have to dig inside yourself everyday and tell yourself "I AM WORTH IT!!" Because you are!


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## Open Heart (Aug 2, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your situation. Has he ever done anything like this before? Or come close to someone else? You say you kind of saw it coming. The the only reason I am asking. Cause if you say "yes". You might be with a steady cheater, but if you say "no". Then honestly your husband/ bf might have just been in a situation he was not used to. It's hard to forgive someone that does that. You fill up with so much rage that it doesn't decrease as fast as it rose. Your going to go through many different stages, but just stay strong. You have to go through the rain, and storms to see a rainbow.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

You know you deserve better than this. And maybe he did just mess up...but....it doesn't hurt any less. Yep....it would be tough to live next to the other woman.....I couldn't do it. She wasn't your friend though....never ever was she your friend. A friend wouldn't do that...she would tell you if he hit on her and knock the crap out of him herself. 

If he loves you then he must pay for his stupid choice....and it was a choice. Men have just as much control over their sex hormones as women.....or they'd all get away with rape. He chose to do this and so he needs to choose to protect you from further humiliation. But what disturbs me most is that he took his own guilt out on you on that trip...yelling at you. 

Will he do that every time he screws up? I hope not. You won't ever forget it.....but you may come to forgiveness.....and you may trust him one day. But it will take a long long time....and he has to pay the piper. There are no free rides.

There is a verse in the Bible...we just studied today...talks about adultry.....how there is no pentance for it. No matter what the other person tries to do to make up for this.....it is completely unforgivable....(the other woman). She needs to move...but if she doesn't then that probably means she isn't one bit sorry. And that won't make your pain go away anyway.

So...in conclusion....you need to be the ones moving. And he should understand that.

Take care sweetie....You are in my prayers.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

DeniseK,
You are thinking exactly what I am. All I can remember was the way he treat me on that trip. It makes my stomach turn. How you could treat me that way when I'm crying saying that I miss you and I don't know how we've grown apart in one week. My goodness that was and is agony. 

I've been telling him I can't live next door to her. I just can't and won't. It brings out this rage in me that I can't control. He is trying to get management to move her but hasn't been done yet. I asked him for us to move and start over. He said he thinks it will help but not solve the problem. In that case we should buy a new car. Throw away all of our furniture. I think he's just being unfair. How uncool to torture me. I live with all these reminders each and every day. I know we can't get rid of everything but she was in my home. My home!

Thank you for the prayer. I need it.

Open Heart,
He's never been in a situation like this before. He's actually pretty shy and have never even given out his #. I know he was in a situation and he made a choice. A bad choice. He said he was being selfish thinking of himself because she gave it so freely. He was curious and curiousity killed the cat. It is hard to forgive him. This just happened 4th of july weekend and the following week. I don't understand how he wants me to be okay this soon

So yesterday I met up with an old guy friend from high school and had lunch with him. We went bowling. Very innocent. We are just FRIENDS!!! My bf doesn't know him and was upset when I told him where I was. We got into an argument yesterday where he says I disrepected him as a man. I didn't ask him or tell him before I went. I was honest and told him when I called. I wasn't being secretive but he hates that I hung out with someone else.

See on the float trip when he was mean to me he said " You act like your life revolves around me. You need a hobby. Go out with friends." So I did. Now he says he wish I would just cheat so we can be even but he wouldn't look at me the same. Cheating would never work for me. I'd leave first. Thats nasty. You don't do 2 people at a time. 

Now yesterday I didn't do it out of spite but it was more like I do have a life outside of you. He now wishes I did what I normally did. Go to work. Come home and clean up. Cook. Attend to him and the kid. That was my life. Thats how my life should have been. 

He says I abuse him every day which is not true. Some days are good and others are bad. I've definitely improved but when I feel bad he feels bad. That is not abuse. You caused this and this is the affect.

Thank you all. I really appreciate it. I am really trying. Thanks for the prayers.


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## Open Heart (Aug 2, 2009)

Well, You seem like a strong women. It sounds like he is getting a little bit of dose of his own medicine, and doesn't like it. Now he understands a little bit of how you feel. He definitely took you for granted. Was hanging out with this friend of yours something you would have done before that altercation of your husband/ bf? Would you have gone about it the same way of not telling him? I really feel for you "beyond". Did you have friends before? Did he keep you from having friends? Sounds like both of you are really hurting. Keep god in your prayers, and he will give you the strenth you need. Maybe some time apart, or alone from everybody may help.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

If I may offer my opinion, the change you need is not about your house or her house or what friends you have outside the marriage, its about what you do with each other. Cook dinner together, clean the house together, play with the kid together, those three tasks usually take up all the time my wife and I have once I get home. There is no time for an affair anymore so I totally dont worry about it. It absolutly took an affair to realize that having a partner means an end to having your focus only on yourself. A relationship takes work to keep going, and that work needs to be done together or it doesn't count.

Put some good memories between now and the hurt, then focus on the next good memory you want to make. It helps me keep my focus on the future and let the mistakes of the past be slowly robbed of thier importance. Now our focus is on loosing weight together, and we go work out together 3~4 times a week. Its slow progress but its something we both want and we have the memories of getting there together.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Gomez and Open heart,
You are both correct. We are both hurting and are both really trying. Yes I did have friends before and he never kept me from them I just was always busy with the kid and our family that I never really spent much time with them. The guy I hung out with is a friend from high school that just moved in state. I wasn't trying to be sneaky but I think I didn't ask him if he minded cause I was still mad. We spoke about it. I never want him to even think there's a chance of me cheating on him. 

In other news I had lunch with the chicks Mom yesterday. The sweetest lady in the world. See the girl is in college and has been living a double lie. Telling her Mom we are like family and how much she loves us but she was really literally trying to move in on mine. Her Mom said she's speaking with her father to make her move and we prayed together. It sucks that her daughter is such a s...t. So embarrassing. The thing she did say that worried me is what if she was pregnant? I'd go nuts. I'm already off my rocker a bit but just the thought of it. I'm scared with worry now because I never really thought about that. BF and the chick said there was't a possibilty but who knows. The Mom kept saying that bf and I are good people. We looked out for her and she took advantage. She reminds me of movie "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle". 

So Friday is my 25th bday. He bought us a weekend trip away from everyone. Just me and him. I'm looking forward to it. Slowly we hang out with family again. And do fun things together little by little. 

Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it.


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## Open Heart (Aug 2, 2009)

Thats good to hear. Life is slowly going to come back to norm. It won't ever be back, but maybe it will be better. It's good to let her mother know. It seems like this women may have some issues of her own. Mistakes were made. Cuts will soon heal, and lessons will be learned. I wish the best for both of you. I almost lost my love, because I was too harsh. Try to look at your future now, and let history stay in the past. Pre happy b day


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Open Heart said:


> Thats good to hear. Life is slowly going to come back to norm. It won't ever be back, but maybe it will be better. It's good to let her mother know. It seems like this women may have some issues of her own. Mistakes were made. Cuts will soon heal, and lessons will be learned. I wish the best for both of you. I almost lost my love, because I was too harsh. Try to look at your future now, and let history stay in the past. Pre happy b day


Thanks. Yeah I was afraid that I may be so harsh that he can't take it anymore since he knows he was wrong. She does have issues and in a weird way I wish her the best. I just want her away from me and my family. The thing is I know karma is real and it'll catch up with her in time. 

We are making new memories and we have a family date tonight. That should be exciting. Thank you much. Hope the bday goes well.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Today started bad but ended good. He had another softball game and after the game they sang "happy bday" to me as I sat there blushing. We made a good memory. It felt good too. That was the one thing that took my mind off of this madness.Tomorrow is my bday and we'll be heading on a much needed mini vacation. I'm excited. He's really trying. So am I. I've realized that loving someone isn't just about the emotion. Its about the effort and work that comes along with it. In that moment earlier today I could honestly say I was happy. Well I have to finish up packing tonight. Just wanted to give you guys an update.


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## PainPainPain (Aug 9, 2009)

Hi there...your situation is almost exact as mine except for I've been married for three years, she is not my friend, but friends with everyone around me, and that my husband's family protects him. All three years of the marriage have been horrible, him finally admitting that it's been all him. I've done everything possible to work out all our problems but he has so many internal issues he doesn't know what to do with himself. 
Anyways, my husband's affair went on for 8 months and he lied to me about it for 10 months. It started because I was in another city 3 hours away alot because my grandmother was dying and eventually died 1 month before I saw the first clue. Even after me asking him about the clues he denied. I had nothing to do w/ the girl and she was upset with him because he was trying to end their affair but I guess she was alittle stalkerish (?). She then decides to find me on fbook and emails me first saying "ignorance is bliss..." and I ingored it. The second email told me how she's been in my home taking care of my better half when I'm visiting my family in another town. They even had sex on our couch and on our floor. I know what you mean about the pain you're feeling because my heart is physically in pain right now. I've started counseling which has helped me tremendously! I go once a week so I'll start posting her advice to me on here for you. So far she has told me that the anger I feel is a cover for the actual pain I feel. In order to move on and forget I have to truly forgive both of them. I am first starting to work on her. I have also started a journal in which I created a list of 42 things she has done to me that hurt me. I have to go thru each one deeply and feel the pain of each item. When I feel I have reached the true pain of each thing, I have to make the choice of forgiving her. FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE! You have to remember that. I honestly am not sure if I love my husband. I have a 21 month old daughter with him and his parents and us all live together. I have no way and no time to myself in order to cope and cry anytime I feel I need to. They are always in my business. His parents say they side with me, but when it comes down to it, they cater to his every need. I have no one in this city with me. I have no friends here and no outlet with a child. All I can tell you right now is to just cry it all out as much as possible. I'm happy that your bf's family is atleast showing him the colder should to realize his mistake. Mine is remorseful too but again, how do move on and trust again??? It's as if you want to rip your heart out and throw it away. 
Start a journal. It truly helps. I pray too and one of my wishes was answered within 16 hours. How I love the HIGHER ONE. Just pray and focus on one day at a time. My counselor is free. Ask your church for counseling or free counseling places. Take care of yourself and try to stay strong.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Pain, 
I am sorry you are going through this. I must admit your situation sounds rather similar, if not a little worse. I pray all goes well for you and I'm glad you are getting better. I too have gotten a journal. I am yet to write in it but I have plans for today. 

The weekend went well. We had 1 argument on my bday but soon that passed. We were both frustrated. All in all my bday was well. Vacation was good. We had a blast with the baby and shopping always seems to help a little. We are back at home now and things continue to improve. I've now gone a few days without bringing it up. Now we pray more often as a family. I think thats really important and we were missing that. 

Ironically, I'm not as angry as I was. I'm still a bit sad but its getting better. As for her, one day I will forgive her. I am trying to forgive them both. I think its the intentional way she plotted it and treated my child out of hostility to me that hurts and bothers me the most. I know this girl has low self esteem and obviously has problems in her life. She is obviously not a friend and has never been a friend to me. She was a lesson well learned for both of us. At this point, I don't wish her any pain. Karma itself works out. I just want her away from my family and way from me. I'm sure one day I will not even think of this and will wish her the best. Funny thing is I wish her the best now. Because she is off far worse than I. It was hard for me to see that at first. At first I couldn't see through the pain and deception. Now I can start to see my rainbow. I can honestly say I'm getting better.

Hang in there, Pain. I also have a 2 year old and cannot cry out as often as I want because she's getting very aware of it. But she also makes me feel like no matter whats happening to me she loves me. She'll hug me and say Mommy its okay. I love you Mommy. Thats makes everything better. I wish you the best. TTYL.


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