# 3 weeks seperated - now he is sorry?



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

So it has been 3 weeks since I officially moved out.

A month prior I was living in hell with STBXH due to discovering an early EA. This was 5 years after infidelity on both of our parts so this recent EA is a deal breaker for me. We had rules & boundaries, he chose to break them and continue emotionally connecting with opposite sex co-workers. The first OW 5 yrs ago was also a co-worker. Him and I met at work. See a pattern yet?

Anywas, I have been doing good since physically seperating. Better than living with him. During the time I was still at the house, every day he made me question my reasons for leaving, tried to convince me that I was the crazy one and over reacting. He did nothing wrong and we are getting a divorce not b/c of inappropriate boundaries but b/c we have communication issues and I can't get over things from the past....

Then last night he wants to talk. In person. Says he is sorry. He appologized I don't know how many times for how he acted. He says he realizes that he didn't accept me for me. He says that he thought he was THAT GREAT of a person and that I should have just been that grateful to be with him. That he thought he was perfect in the relationship but now realizes that he was not. He does not want me to file for divorce and asked me not to (all the paperwork is filled out, I just need the $ to file which I was going to do this Thursday). He wants to start out all over...slow...build a friendship and then start to slowly rebuild trust. He wants me to continue to do what I am doing with my life but yet still date him. And yes, he still wants to have sex. I don't see how that is taking it slow...but he says we are still technically married so why not at least enjoy that part of it...................................

He seems to be showing true remorse but I am not sure if its just b/c he is lonely or what. I have been doing good, moving on with my life, focusing on what I want to do and just trying to live life. I have not even considered him coming back to ask for R, especially since I have been mourning the loss of the relationship for the past 2 months. I am alot further along in the process than him since I was the one that decided to leave. He has been in denial of his actions since the discover of the EA up probably until the time I moved out. So he has only been processing for 3 weeks. I have had over 2 months of coming to terms with things.

He told me that he is in a very low place right now. He did mention suicide, not directly but he definately hinted at it, especially when talking about being rejected again. I will not fall for that type of manipulation, though. He wants to start therapy TOGETHER and is willing to see my IC, asked me to see his IC and also said if they can't treat us together to find an actual MC. He also said that MC would be something we would have to continue the entire length of the marriage no matter what. 

Who is this person and where is the narcisstic & PA man that I ran away from????

So - anyone been at this place? Moving on with your life and then the STBX comes bouncing in from no where throwing a wrench in your good feelings about yourself and your decisions????

2 months ago I would have eaten this stuff up. Now I'm just left confused and wondering if he really has changed or at least starting to change...3 weeks is not nearly enough time for him to work out the issues he has with what appears to be a serial cheating habit. At least the habit of getting attention and emotional support from females who are not his wife...which then leads to...well everyone knows where that stuff leads to whoever has dealt with infidelity!!!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

The narcissist and abusive man is still there. Be very careful. Don't let him back until many many months have gone by and he has proven to you things are going to be different. Words are merely lip service. Let actions over a long period of time convince you.

Good luck


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

i agree with broken. his actions may be due to the fact that because he thinks he's so awesome, he expected you to come running back, and you didn't. maybe the EA ended, so now he's really alone. maybe it's an issue of him needing to be in control.
if you have the desire to work on the relationship, maybe try mc once a week with no other contact?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

How can I see his actions if we are seperated and living our own lives? I'm not sure what to do now. Deep down I am wishing he was a different person and I felt like I could be myself around him. 

I am being myself around him but still find myself reverting back to not being myself every once in awhile when we are face to face. I don't know if its things he is saying or his body language but I am extremely guarded with him.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

You have all of the control now, so if you want to work on it, set your boundaries...don't settle for anything less than than what you want for both of you...go with NC for a few months and if he is capable of maintining your boundaries, then maybe consider MC...

Or just continue on the the divorce and healing yourself...the man has had plenty of chances to prove him worthy of you, and he has failed...


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

vi bride: read my post in going through divorce or separation titled "will not take responsbility". My husband left for the first time in Sept last year. After I confronted him about his EA's and told him I would not tolerate it. I went NC and 2 mths later he begged to come home. I love you, I want to work on our marriage, the whole kabang.

8 wks later I discover he's still in the EA's, he has been lying to me, telling people we're getting divorced. I confront him on that and he tells me "I only moved home to save money". Needless to say that tore another hole in my heart. I felt so used and manipulated. And humilated.

2 wks ago I kicked him out for good. I'm filing divorce papers this week.

Be careful... guard your heart carefully and do not let him move home for at least 6-9 mths or him SHOWING you he will not continue with the previous damaging behaviour AND attending MC sessions and being HONEST and taking ownership of what he did.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

The entire ordeal that has happened since the end of April is posted in the private members section if anyone wants to read (MAJOR Trigger after 5 years) just be warned it it extremely long.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

lulubelle said:


> i agree with broken. his actions may be due to the fact that because he thinks he's so awesome, he expected you to come running back, and you didn't. maybe the EA ended, so now he's really alone. maybe it's an issue of him needing to be in control.
> if you have the desire to work on the relationship, maybe try mc once a week with no other contact?


This might be a good option for now. I am seriously considering talking with his IC just to maybe see what she has to say vs. what my IC has to say. My IC thinks I am in a good place emotionally and mentally with this situation. I am not sure what I am planning on accomplishing with this though, so I need to think about it some more and make sure I would go for the right reasons for ME not b/c its something he wants me to do.


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