# Does your wife make more money than you



## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Is there a rule that says the men must make more than the woman? If your wife makes more than you, how is your marriage and how do you handle your finances? The reason for asking is because I married my wife who doubles my salary. Before marriage We discussed and she was OK with the salaries we made and stated it would be or combined income and we had clarified all our financial responsibilities we had to continue taking care of. I had a lot of insecurities because I felt "little" making half her salary and I didn't want to get married knowing I have to help my parents a little with their rent. She was ok with all this. 
Yes I make plenty enough $ to support myself and my son and help my parents. 
We married and 3 months after marriage she had totally flipped what we agreed on before. Stating a man should always take care of his wife and has asked me to cut the cord with my parents. If her husband doesn't make enough he should get a better job or a second one. She sees my bank acct to determine what I spend on where she refuses to show me hers or show me our bills. she believes she doesn't have to. We are close to divorce and my marriage is based on whether I find a second job to support his wife or make more money. She stated she'll reevaluate every 6 months. If I'm not doing anything to make more I can get the F**k out of her house and her life. Says money is a necessity. Though we make about 190k combined income. Does you wife treat you like crap because she makes more??


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

I have told her marriage is not that way. Who cares who makes more or who pays more. Her response was "to you it may not seem that way but to me it's 50%, so you have to pay 50%" though before this she knew I could not afford the house she bought before marriage and she said she can handle this house all on her own and if I'm able to help it would be great if not she'll be fine. I help with what she's asked me and now wants more and wants more as we go along. She calls it "rent" because based on prenup this is her house which she must pay for on her own as per the details of the prenup.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Seems as if she's given you only two choices, despite whatever agreement you all discussed before.

Either you get an extra job to supplement your income or set out of her house.

Arguing who's right and wrong at this point makes no sense imo.

If I were you, I'd do both.
Find a better or another job *and* get out of her house.

That aside, I strongly believe that before marriage or having kids, a man is supposed to be able to support himself and his partner.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Let's say she didn't buy the house we live in. I could afford to put a roof over her head and my sons. That's my point to her. Instead she pushed to have a nice house before marriage and agreed we would be ok based on our incomes. She made sure she could afford it on her own in the event We split. She insisted she wanted me to Marry her and wanted marriage out of all this. She agreed together we make enough. Had I known all this before hand i would have held off and asked her to wait on buying this house until after marriage. We could have found one we can afford. 
Suddenly she wants me to pay for this house 50% when legally it's hers. Which is why she wanted to buy before marriage. With this house I simply can't come up with that kind of $.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, as a wife who makes more then her husband (though our spread isn't as big as yours) I think as long as you're bringing a reasonable amount to the table the fact that she makes more shouldn't be an issue. I could see her being upset if you can't bring a reasonable amount to the table because you're supporting your parents. Quick math and your post tells me she makes around $120k and you make $60-$70k? Is she predominantly supporting your lifestyle because you're supporting your parents?

If not I'd say she's acting ridiculous. If she thought a man should support his wife why has she pursued such a career and not just found a man to support her? People should bring what they can to the table, but i'm a firm believer that shouldn't be much more stressed then the other. She should not be killing herself so you can have less stress and support your parents. As long as that's even I'd say you should be fine and she's being unreasonable. Have you tried to come to an agreement on what you'll contribute? Then you can do what you want with the rest. That's what my hb and I do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Firebird said:


> Let's say she didn't buy the house we live in. I could afford to put a roof over her head and my sons. That's my point to her. Instead she pushed to have a nice house before marriage and agreed we would be ok based on our incomes. She made sure she could afford it on her own in the event We split. She insisted she wanted me to Marry her and wanted marriage out of all this. She agreed together we make enough. Had I known all this before hand i would have held off and asked her to wait on buying this house until after marriage. We could have found one we can afford.
> Suddenly she wants me to pay for this house 50% when legally it's hers. Which is why she wanted to buy before marriage. With this house I simply can't come up with that kind of $.



Don't know your state but it's legally likely not just hers. You're married, and the moment you contribute anything it becomes partly yours, less what she put in prior to marriage. I can understand her wanting to protect herself, but it really does sound ridiculous. You don't sound like a bum so get some MC now; if I were you I wouldn't live like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Firebird said:


> *. She made sure she could afford it on her own in the event We split. *


And you can't fault her for thinking that way.

Problem is that you allowed a serious power differential to develop by entering into a marriage with this type of woman.

Also you brought in additional expenses by way of your sons and your parent's rent. 

I know three women who make more money than their husbands and they don't treat him that way.

She's treating you badly , plus according to what you're saying, she reneged on the initial agreement. Maybe her concerns are very valid , but she's going about it the wrong way.

How are things generally in the marriage relationship?

I suspect there might be other issues.

There isn't much left for you to do besides take your sons and leave her house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do you work at your job?

How many hours a week does she work at her job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you only been married 3 months? If not who long?

How old is your son?


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

What's MC? She doesn't contribute to my life style. She wanted to marry and so did I. But I had told her I was afraid of moving on because I don't want to throw my parents to the street. She had agreed. I was living fine the way I was before marriage. Never have I asked her for $. The agreement before was I pay all Utilities and food she pays the house. That was 3 months ago. I've done that and more. As in I give her more than what the utilities are. After 1 month of marriage we had an issue where she felt I bought my son a pair of jeans without telling her. After that she said. As long as you're giving me the amount we agreed on and pay for food, you can do whatever you want with the rest. Now 2 months after that she asks I pay more, all in fact. She says if you have to help them, the rest must go into the account which she doesn't put anything into. She must control where I spend. In 3 months. Each Month I spend around $1500-1800 on food and utilities. That plus my car and bills end up with nothing. She doesn't see that though. She feels as though she's paying for a mortgage and I'm giving her just utilities. Doesn't care about what we spent on food. We eat out daily because I don't cook and she rarely does. We then recently said let's not eat out, last night then she says she wants to eat this or that. I said we can't she can't mad!


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Married 3 months. I work 40 hrs / week she works 36. Son is preteen age. I had a second job before marriage which she asked me to quit because she wanted to spend time with me. I'm afraid I'm gonna work again a second Job and she'll complain of me never being home.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> And you can't fault her for thinking that way.
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I did and made sure I could handle those expenses on my own. She does not pay for any of these expenses nor would I allow her to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marriage counseling. She doesn't get to control everything, you're a grown man. And as long as you're contributing what you've agreed upon you can do what you want with your money. If she wants to revisit what what you pay you guys can do that but she doesn't get to control things. 

Get marriage counseling or get out; this is no way to live.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much is the mortgage payment, with taxes, pmi, etc?


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

3500


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

I've asked for marriage counseling. Her answer is I'm the one who needs to grow up and take care of his wife so I should go to counseling. I don't spend money on my self. After parents all my $ goes into say my car and bills, my son and our expenses of eating out and utilities.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> Suddenly she wants me to pay for this house 50% when legally it's hers. Which is why she wanted to buy before marriage. With this house I simply can't come up with that kind of $.


It does not matter if the house is in her name only. Now that you are married you are entitled to 50% of the equity in the house. While she's making payments on the house out of her income, it's community income. So in most states you own half of it. She could argue that her down payment is her sole property. That would hold up in some states/courts but no in others.

If you two were married for enough time to accumulate other assets, you could end up owning 50% of everything she saved, invested, etc.

I think that this realization has probably hit her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how much a month do you give your parents?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's wrong that your wife expects to monitor your money but you have no visibility into her money.

Anything she had before marriage in the way of savings and investmetns is her sole property. 

Depending you your state, anything she earns and saves after marriage is community income/property. 

She should have new accounts for any income/asset that comes in after you married. Personally I think that these should all be joint accounts to reflect the reality of community income/property. and then you both should be managing this.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

975 goes to parents a month. House regardless of marriage is hers per prenup and any property she buys from here on out. There's no 50% according to her if we split and it's stated on the contract.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

In detail prenup lists out the house we live in as her own property


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> 975 goes to parents a month. House regardless of marriage is hers per prenup and any property she buys from here on out. There's no 50% according to her if we split and it's stated on the contract.


$975 to your parents is a lot.

Does she have a lot of assets, investments, etc. from before the marriage?

Does this prenup also cover everything she earns?

Is she from a typical American background? Or is she from some other culture? There are some cultures/religions that have clear rules that the husband must support the wife and children for things like a home, food, basic clothing. And anything that the woman has and/or earns is hers alone. But she has to pay for her own extras, like jewelry, fancy clothing, travel, etc etc.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Sorry OP, but she put one helluva power move on you.

It appears her mantra is "Whats mine is mine, and whats your is mine"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since she refuses to budge and refuses to go to counseling, I don't see where fix this.

I get the prenup to a point for protecting assets from before you married. Does she have a lot of assets from before marriage? But it seems pretty aggressive. 

For example, since she is using her current income (community income) to pay the mortgage, then she is using money that is 50% legally yours. You really should not have agreed to that. 

Did you have a lawyer review the pre-nup before you signed it? I wonder how iron clad it is. I've heard that a lot of them are thrown out when challenged in court.

You work full time. Her demand that you get a second job is ridiculous. If you could find a job where you earn more that would be cool. But she knew who you were and what your situation was before marriage.

Her rules about what's yours is hers and what hers is only hers are just wrong and not conducive to a healthy marriage.

Until this is solved, stop giving her access to your accounts. 

I think that you should come up with a reasonable proposal of how to change your finances to be more equitable and so that the reflect the reality of marriage law. If you have the money, get a lawyer to look at the prenup to see if it can be challenged.. not because you will challenge it but because you need to know where you stand.

Then you give her the written proposal. If she refuses to be reasonable then I think your marriage is over.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and if you do end up divorcing her...

You file for having her pay your legal fees out of community assets/income since she earns more and she controls more.

And you ask for some lump sum payment so that you can move out and find a place for you and your son to live. You had a place, she fed you a line to marry her. She needs to make you whole again.

.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people change the rules after marriage. 

There are obviously women who don't like their spouse earning a lot less than they do -- even if they thought they were okay with it to begin with. Now you know she's one. 

You are giving your parents a significant amount. Were you living with them before you married her and so they still depend on you?

You need to decide if you can, or will, meet her standards of what a husband should provide. Because she doesn't seem willing to modify her expectations of you.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> $975 to your parents is a lot.
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She was well aware of the 975. The prenup covers it all. Her money will never be touched if we split. In the prenup it states the house and how she should pay for it. It also states as part of a contemplated marriage how we must have a joint acct where we both contribute to cover expenses such as food clothing gas etc. she does have a lot of savings and her home. And expects a lot of property that she'll inherit which will remain hers as well. 
She's Latin though born and raised in the US


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Firebird
Just curious, did she take your name when you married her?


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Oh, and if you do end up divorcing her...
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The prenup states she does not have to pay for anything if we got divorced nor would I ever take money from any woman.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Some people change the rules after marriage.
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> ...



Yes my parents and I lived in the same roof which I rented to fit them in there. Otherwise I would have rented else where. She knew this and still wanted me to help with their portion and we can survive with what we have.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

BradWesley said:


> Firebird
> Just curious, did she take your name when you married her?



Yes


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> She was well aware of the 975. The prenup covers it all. Her money will never be touched if we split. In the prenup it states the house and how she should pay for it. It also states as part of a contemplated marriage how we must have a joint acct where we both contribute to cover expenses such as food clothing gas etc. she does have a lot of savings and her home. And expects a lot of property that she'll inherit which will remain hers as well.
> 
> She's Latin though born and raised in the US


She did not need a prenup to protect her inheritance and everything she earned/had before marriage. That is all separate property by law as long as she does not co-mingle it with marital income/assets. And even then if there is a good audit trail, a good lawyer can argue that the separate property is intact.

So... the prenup was to make sure that what she earns during marriage is hers only. What she wants to do is to push all marital living expenses on you. That way she can invest and save her money. 

So she wants you to slave at two jobs and support her while she works 36 hours a week increasing her wealth. That's basically turning you into her slave. Please do not give into this.


Above I suggested that you write out a plan of how you think that the finances should be run taking marriage laws into consideration. I'm going to add to that, that you have to tell her that you will not stay in the marriage unless the prenup is modified to only protect her pre marriage assets and inheritances. All income and assets acquired using marital income have to be community property.

Or you are leaving her. Call her bluff.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> The prenup states she does not have to pay for anything if we got divorced nor would I ever take money from any woman.


I can see not taking any money from that which she earned/owned before and inheritance.

But when you are married things change. Today she earns more than you. Something could happen and she ends up unemployed. So you have to support her. she could get sick. This is why marriage is a team effort. You both work at it and you both put everything you have into one pot.

You have only been married for 3 months so there are hardly any marital assets right now. But years down the road things could ****.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have your son full time? Do you pay child support?

How does she treat your son?


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

My son lives with us full time. She treated him well. Though during separation as listed below she put him through stuff such as not being able to walk home from school. A school he moved to not wanting to for us when we married. Our selling point for moving schools was you'll finally be able to walk to school. 

Ok, let me provide more details. I posted this because it happens to be the main issue with her now but there's more I didn't want to put out there. 
So you guys have already read our financial situation and how she wants more from me.
But during this, about 13 weeks ago we found out she was pregnant. She was 6.5weeks along. We were excited though still had problems with her controlling me and trying to dictate what I do. At 10 weeks we took a trip and she was emotional and giving me a lot of crap. We thought it was the hormones (her dad and mom were on this trip) her dad advised me to take my son and he'll take care of her since she was in so much hate towards me that one day. Upon returning home she had complications which led to a miscarriage. The day we were in the ER she had asked them to not allow visitors although I insisted they kept me out of the room per her request. After a few hours she allowed me back in and we found out there was no heart beat, she then asked me For a divorce in the middle of the ER. I ignored that and tried comforting her though she didn't want me to touch her. The doctor said the baby stopped growing at 7weels 2 days. So the baby had stopped weeks ago . Doc asked me to take her home, and not to leave her alone. I stayed she wanted me to get away instead I stayed in the house while she hid in the bedroom. Her best friend who knows her well said give her time alone but stay there so I did. She had a procedure to remove the baby a few days after. The day before she has continually fought with me blaming the miscarriage on me. The day of the procedure I stayed quiet to avoid a fight though she felt I was being an ******* for not talking to her. I explained I didn't want to fight that I will be there and that things will be ok. She then asked me to leave or she'll call security if I entered the hospital. We got through that and I went in anyway, waited for the procedure to be done and things were ok. We went home I fed her and took care of her. The next day was followed by questions about when I'm leaving her house. Constantly repeating the same and asking me for divorce. Days later she said the sooner the better this week if possible. she then says she wants to be free and date again. So I was furious packed my stuff and told her I will leave today. She didn't believe me until she got home from work which was followed by the fact she didn't want to be alone. I told her I can only take so much abuse and being told you want me to leave to you can date. Two days later she says we just need trial separation and during this I need you to go work your ass off and make more money. We need money!! I told her separation fine but no dating or seeing other. After a few days of me leaving she was caught talking to someone on a Facebook chat. It was someone she had banged years ago. She had told him her marriage was a disaster and he took advantage and ask her if she wAs ready to take off on vacation with him. She asked if he'll pay which he said yes and she agreed to find time off. Once I confronted her about this she said we were separated and she can do and **** anyone she wants and separation is like a break up meaning no married. Anyway two weeks into separation I had pulled money out for a deposit into a place I was going to rent for me and my son. My entire paycheck is put into a joint acct we opened about a month ago. Why so late because she had refused to walk into the bank and said as long as I pay this amount for untilities and cover food she doesn't care. She asked what the $ was for and I said it was for a deposit into an apartment I'm going to get. I told her we can work this out or I'm going to move on. So she asked if I could provide more. I told her I'll try but it's hard I already worn full time. Anyway she let's me back in and her goal is she wants me to make more or get a 2nd job by the end of this year. Every 6 months she'll reevaluate and if we need money I need to provide it. On the other hand my issues are letting go of the conversation with the dude. She was hysterical when I brought it up and said if I bring it up she'll file for divorce. She continually shops while I'm not allowed to buy or even spend money on food. Today it was OK for her to spend money on presents for someone which i thought that's wrong. She stresses daily all my money should go into this marriage. She says she doesn't have to show me her finances. She says if I'm able to spare say $700 after all utilities and food and rent is covered then she will put just that. She'll match what i have left for spending but that's up to her. 

So we tried to get her to do counseling to cope with loss of baby: she said her counselor said her issues with me about me working are legitimate and grounds for termination. And counselor confirmed her feelings aren't hormonal. 

I went to a counselor myself. He told me most counselor will say what they told her to help her cope with the main issue. The loss of baby. I did see this counselor a year ago to help me with accepting the fact she made more. One thing she asked me
To do then because it didn't matter who made what I just need to accept. It's all ours. This counselor said to me that I was there one year ago for the same thing and now she's flipping it. Sounds irrational and says it's probably post partum depression. Though when I tried to talk about this she insists her dr said her hormones are fine and that's I'm just not a man who handled anything. 

Her best friend has tried talking to her About how she's going About this wrong. She followed that by saying "you're siding with him" it's my money my house my life. She doesn't care what anyone thinks.
I do love her but I'm depressed Very badly. Dr wants me to take anti depressants. Her family and I get along really well too. 

I'm sure since this is so long I've missed something which I'll add as you guys ask me questions. I don't want to be used though I want to fix my marriage. Regarding the conversation with the dude, I asked her what she would do if I did that. And she said she would divorce me. Why? Because she has never "cheated". I have a History because I cheated on 1 girl 12 years ago. A total mistake when I was 21 years old. She siad I'll be tempted to do it agin that makes it not ok for me
To communicate with any woman. Even friends she's asked me
To drop. She says this guy is now just a friend thought the conversation they had was not friendly. It was about their past and them going on vacation to give her
"Time to think" as her said.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Also so when we decided to try I clarified it'll take work from both of us. She says no just me. I told her the way she's told me how I'm poor and lazy and don't work broke me down. She says the only way you'll come out is to get a second job and I'm trying to help you with your insecurities but the only way to come out of this is by paying half and getting a second job. That's how she's helping me come out. But saying I need a second job. She says she won't budge. However she's not willing to explain why she did what she did. She says that's her problem and if I'm a man I can deal with it.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

The bottom line is men typically don't put much stock in how much their wife makes, but the wife does put a lot of stock on how much her husband makes. Women are attracted to money much more than men in choosing a mate, and having my wife make more than me would be an issue. Call me a cynic but I think the vast majority of marriages or relationships where the man is supported by the woman are doomed to fail.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long did you date your wife before you married her?

Your wife is not rational. Hormones are no excuse. Her actions do not sound like hormonal issues. She was talking to some guy about taking a trip with him... that's cheating.

There is no fixing your marriage. She thinks that she has control of you and your money. Now she wants you to earn more money so that she has more.

And worst of all you are allowing her to push you around, insult you and disrespect you.

You need to leave her.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

cuchulain36 said:


> The bottom line is men typically don't put much stock in how much their wife makes, but the wife does put a lot of stock on how much her husband makes. Women are attracted to money much more than men in choosing a mate, and having my wife make more than me would be an issue. Call me a cynic but I think the vast majority of marriages or relationships where the man is supported by the woman are doomed to fail.



Totally agree but that's the reason why I was holding back on marriage. But she doesn't support me. I would never allow that. We both agreed we were both financially independent. I live In her house I cover the bills minus mortgage as we she requested and all the food.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How long did you date your wife before you married her?
> 
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We dated / were engaged for a year. She was talking to him while we were separated. To her that's ok.... I'm really contemplating leaving but I have always loved her. Though we officially dated and whatnot for a year we knew each other and went out for a total of ten years. By us going out and knowing each other is how we started to like each other. We were more than just best friends. I guess my thing is losing my wife means losing my best friend who I had been around for so long. I never knew this side of her though. Somehow she thinks I ****ed up by leaving when she asked and I disappointed her by not stepping up to the plate rom make more money. You all know your salary can be maxed out for each profession. I'm a project manager. And yes I make close to 70k. To her I should be making 90-100. But I lose job security that way and I have a son who needs my care therefore job security is a plus.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> Totally agree but that's the reason why I was holding back on marriage. But she doesn't support me. I would never allow that. We both agreed we were both financially independent. I live In her house I cover the bills minus mortgage as we she requested and all the food.


As you have found out this arrangement does not work well either. 

And in your case your wife is more controlling than most and has a lot of self servicing ideas.

So it's even more of a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> We dated / were engaged for a year. She was talking to him while we were separated. To her that's ok.... I'm really contemplating leaving but I have always loved her. Though we officially dated and whatnot for a year we knew each other and went out for a total of ten years. By us going out and knowing each other is how we started to like each other. We were more than just best friends. I guess my thing is losing my wife means losing my best friend who I had been around for so long. I never knew this side of her though. Somehow she thinks I ****ed up by leaving when she asked and I disappointed her by not stepping up to the plate rom make more money. You all know your salary can be maxed out for each profession. I'm a project manager. And yes I make close to 70k. To her I should be making 90-100. But I lose job security that way and I have a son who needs my care therefore job security is a plus.


The fact is that until you are divorced you are married by law. She does not get to decide that she can magically evaporate a marriage. Depending on where you live, if she carried through with the trip you'd have the right to file based on adultery and you could probably get the prenup thrown out based on that. I'm not suggesting that you take her money, I'm pointing out that she's full of bunk in saying that it was when you were separated so it does not count.


If you are hell bent on saving the marriage then stand up to here. do the plan as I suggested above and tell her that if things do not change you are leaving.

She sounds like the type of person who just keeps pushing for her own way. And since you do not push back she just keeps pushing more. 

It seems that you have no intent to stand up for yourself to her. So I'm not sure what anyone can do for you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

3 months in and she is controlling everything and throwing around divorce? Wow.

I say give her what she wants and divorce her butt. How can she not be be happy with that total combined income? My H makes 56k a year. That's the ONLY income we have. We are totally fine on that and are able to still put almost 1k a month in savings. 

Sorry, but she seems off. That's just not normal.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Ok let me add the helping out my parents. This we agreed. As long as they needed it. I however told her one more year until my little sister graduates from college then my parents will move else where where rent is cheaper and between me and my bro our portions to help could be a lot less. $$400-500. But suddenly she's anxious to force them out elsewhere, have my sister pick up the tab. She's the only one in my family who's finishing college this year and we want to push her to do so.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> 3 months in and she is controlling everything and throwing around divorce? Wow.
> 
> I say give her what she wants and divorce her butt. How can she not be be happy with that total combined income? My H makes 56k a year. That's the ONLY income we have. We are totally fine on that and are able to still put almost 1k a month in savings.
> 
> Sorry, but she seems off. That's just not normal.


I'm using Las Vegas because it's in your profile, but 56K could keep you comfortable in Las Vegas as COLA is much different. But in some parts of the Northeast you really need like a combined household income of 200K+ to live a decent middle class living. I make six figures+ my wife makes 50K and we struggle and live in a 1300 sf house and drive two cars an 11 year old Outback and Honda Civic.

56K here would leave me unable to afford basic housing in a safe neighborhood.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> 3 months in and she is controlling everything and throwing around divorce? Wow.
> 
> I say give her what she wants and divorce her butt. How can she not be be happy with that total combined income? My H makes 56k a year. That's the ONLY income we have. We are totally fine on that and are able to still put almost 1k a month in savings.
> 
> Sorry, but she seems off. That's just not normal.



Thank you. I've told her I know people living with less. Her thing is i should have drive to want more and set goals. I dated or was in relationships with other woman who were fine with this. I lived with an ex for 6 years. And our relationship was great we lived with about 120k combined and never complained about money. Except we wished we had more to save. And the reason for break up was not money. It was just that we grew apart. I should have known marrying someone with money would be this way.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

We live in California. (Silicon Valley to be exact)


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

intheory said:


> OP,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Sorry let me clarify. The child is mine from another relationship. He's a teen. I take care of him financially as well as everything else I listed here. I agree. She was trying to explain to me how many woman make more so who cares this is before marriage when I had tons of insecurity because is this and here we are now.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Firebird said:


> Sorry let me clarify. The child is mine from another relationship. He's a teen. I take care of him financially as well as everything else I listed here. I agree. She was trying to explain to me how many woman make more so who cares this is before marriage when I had tons of insecurity because is this and here we are now.


If you have no kids with this woman don't walk, run away as far and as fast as you can before you do. Honestly this isn't a good woman, there are literally millions of decent women, this isn't one of them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The back story only makes it more glaringly obvious you need to get out before you get her pregnant again and are really tied to her. 

You were concerned before you married her about the fact she makes much more money and now you see you were right to. She is never going to respect you because you don't match her earning power and that's her primary focus. Is that really how you want to live?

Move on and find someone who will appreciate you.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

I guess I'm in denial because everyone that knows her things I shouldn't leave and should give her time to cope with the lost and take the insults. Coming Into marriage all I asked her was equality though she agreed now She says equality only comes when I pay 50% of everything including her house. I've looked at friends who married woman who made more. Shoot even some who lost their jobs and wife's would handle it while they are looking for jobs. I feel with mine if I lose mine I'll be on the streets. Her view in marriage has lately been the man should always take care of everything and if he's not making enough he should work his ass off. Not only that she also said if we ever had kids again, she wants to be the parent. She makes decision as far as baby sitting and all I have no say. She only wants her mom to baby sit and my parents can only see the kids when we visit them. Though my parents who don't work have offered to baby sit always. She says she doesn't care she would rather pay someone else. She says she wants a paper signed where I would give up full custody of the child if I ever not agree with her parenting skills and decisions. I told her she was crazy no father would ever do that


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

It's so weird. Now that she sees as me comfortable living in a nice house as she described it. I feel on a day off I can't even sit down and relax because she wants to see me working.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, your wife was like this with the money before you lost the baby. 

I'm all for saving a marriage, but this is not a marriage. Your wife is being incredibly unfair and cruel to you. If she had such a problem with your financial situation, which she was aware of prior to marriage, why did she marry you???

She's treating you like crap, you deserve better. Get out now and for God sake, don't get her pregnant again.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Firebird said:


> It's so weird. Now that she sees as me comfortable living in a nice house as she described it. I feel on a day off I can't even sit down and relax because she wants to see me working.


Why would anyone want to live like this? Without kids in the picture she would come home and my **** would be gone and the only speaking I would do with her is through a divorce attorney. Maybe it's because we're only getting your side, but she sounds like an absolutely terrible partner and spouse.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Well I've tried explaining both sides. Her view is I'm an ******* for leaving when she told me to leave so many times makings less of a man for not sucking it up. Things were perfect before marriage as far as how we got along and how we handled things.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

What she tells her friends and counselor is that I don't provide or make her feel wanted. How can I make her feel wanted when all she does is insult me. I spoke with her friend and I told her how I pitch in. Her own friend says she's weird because she doesn't say that. All she says is she provides everything for the house. Her own friend is starting to give up in helping because of how irrational she has been. She sides wit me by saying she is wrong about all this money stuff and her keeping her finances away from me


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't change her. And she's not interested in changing. So you either stay and have her drive you into the ground or you move on.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

There is something wrong with her big time.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I made more than my husband . I lived his standard . But he still doesn't contribute much . He let's his parents n adult sisters who's lazy n doesn't work splurge n shop n he got into debts . I had to clear his debts . He does it repeatedly . It's as good as robbing me n our children . Top it up , I ask his family for my money back . Husband sided them n hit me . I'm divorcing now . 

Thing is he goes round telling pp I abuse him instead n I insult him .

Well in your case I can understand your wife's frustration . If what say is tt she agreed to arrangement she is backing out now . But she shld not start another relationship while still legally married .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you need to leave, OP. She will either start to respect you for being strong enough to leave, and start to compromise, or you will both be glad it is over.

You seem very nice. You should be with a genuinely nice girl, not a materialistic one.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Bail out now because you will have complications down the road...

Complications like paying $975 and college tuition... And a $3500/month home. 

Consider yourself lucky, move with your son in a nice apartment and that's all she wrote.

The 975/month is a bit high btw.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

I realize 975 is a lot. Shooting I didn't have to I would be better off myself too. But we agreed to keep doing this for another year then they'll move further away. My debt doesn't go up because of my parents. In fact my wife doesn't share any of her income. It's all in a separate acct which she hides and pays for her own house. Before marriage I had some debt. I told her I was going to get a 2nd job to pay it off. She insisted into not because that meant time away from each other. All I asked her was bear with me while I do this because I didn't feel right her having to take on past debt. So I worked two jobs paid it and she then asked me to quit that job. Insisted all she wants is to spend time with me not be working all the time. I've never asked her to pay for my parents anything. Her thing is she should come first before my parents and my son! She is the wife. I agree with the parents part but her coming before my son? He's a minor. If we had kids our kids would come before her. I would never put my son last


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

The goal is in the next 12 months I won't have to help my parents much. Or at all. But she hasn't let me reach what I promise and what she agreed to. It's only been 3 months.
Also I live my standard on my own while she lives her standard. Expensive jewelry, thinking of buying expensive new car etc. I don't butt into that. Yet she butts in when I try to buy my son a pair of jeans for school. That was a huge fight in fact. She felt I should have asked her for permission
She hasn't bought the car but has bought $1000 diamond earrings and other jewelry not needed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird said:


> The goal is in the next 12 months I won't have to help my parents much. Or at all. But she hasn't let me reach what I promise and what she agreed to. It's only been 3 months.
> Also I live my standard on my own while she lives her standard. Expensive jewelry, thinking of buying expensive new car etc. I don't butt into that. Yet she butts in when I try to buy my son a pair of jeans for school. That was a huge fight in fact. She felt I should have asked her for permission
> She hasn't bought the car but has bought $1000 diamond earrings and other jewelry not needed.


Since your obligation to your parents goes down quite a bit in a year, that's fairly reasonable. 

Your wife was like this before she lost that baby. Those people who are telling you to stay and put up with her do not live with her. You do so you have to make the decision for yourself

Your wife is abusive emotionally and financially. 

Is this what you want your son to learn? Do you want him to learn that this is what marriage is like? What does your son say about all this?

You need to leave her, seriously.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I may have missed this but regardless of time line and precious agreement why are your parents your responsibility?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Not saying she is making sense, but your opening statement is you have to help your parents a little with their rent. $975 a month isn't a little that is probably 1/4 of your income. I think with the lower income and not sticking up for yourself your wife has zero respect for you.
On a side note as a parent, I'd rather live in a cardboard box than take from my child/children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I sure would not recommend to my sons to stay with a girl like that. No good will, no good heart. Just selfishness.

OP, you have to file. Just file. Drop that bomb. Get out now. It will only get worse.

And seek counseling for why you have let it go on this long. 

You are really doing the best thing for both of you by calling it quits. It really is a Win/Win for everyone, including your son. It will give your wife a chance to see what is truly inside of herself. Is she a completely selfish person, or will her conscience be pricked and she will see the destructive path she is on? Give her that gift. Please.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Firebird said:


> If we had kids our kids would come before her. I would never put my son last


You are right, Firebird. That is what good parents do.

Selfish, immature people demand to always come before the kids. Mature people understand that kids are vulnerable and need to come first. They can handle putting themselves second, knowing it is necessary for the well-being of the children and will not last forever.

You are a good dad. Drop the immature, materialistic "wife," please. You will find someone more suitable for you.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Wow, your wife seems horrible. I've made more than my spouse at the beginning of our marriage. At one time I asked him to stop working to focus on his studies. He did and he now makes more than I do. I have also stopped working a few times too for school, and when we had our son. Not once have we changed the way we handle our money. It has always been in a joint account, he also helps his parents financially, I've footed the bill when he was not working. 

It has never made a difference who makes more, on the contrary we are both proud of our accomplishments and have the same buying authority. 

When you love someone, you see them for who they are, you value their contributions to the household to he family, not just the income.

I'm sorry about the ordeal you are going through, she's treating you horrible. That is no way to live, see that she refuses to go to MC, I'd say leave her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sounds like you and your dh are a team, Mablenc. That is how it is supposed to be.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

jld said:


> Sounds like you and your dh are a team, Mablenc. That is how it is supposed to be.


That's exactly our view, we are a team we have the same rights and the equal authority. 

Also, expenses over a certain amount are talked about and considered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Let's just say she has had the conversations about money and damned to do something: get a new job, a second job, make more work my a$$ off, provide for the house before the miscarriage. A few time she had said she expected a better job by the end of this year or she would file for divorce. After the miscarriage, it multiplied by 10! 
I have noticed she's all over the place after the miscarriage. Not only does she say one thing and then asks for another later or does she say do this but makes it impossible for me to do what it takes to get it done. 
Example: 
She wants me to get a new job, I told her ok, I want to pursue a new carrier mine doesn't pay more than that at the moment. I'd like to go to school to get better. She says no time
For school. I want to work at a hospital, I was an emt and want to pursue Paramedics. She doesn't want me to work at hospitals because too many female nurses and thinks ill hit on them. I wanted to try a new career which I thought was fun and could potentially pay more, her answer was you're older. No time to play with dream jobs. She wants me to get a job doing what I do an pay more. 
So knowing all her financial issues, our monthly food bill is about $1000 which I take care of. Last night we were talking about her wanting to eat here and there. I had told her we need to stop eating out but she insists. Then she wants to go on a vacation suddenly with me If I start working two jobs there's no way. Knowing her she's going flip later by saying she has no husband because I'm always working. 

Now hobbies. I'm am avid mountain biker. I love it. It's a stress reliever. I planned on ridding with my son today (still going to do it today btw). Last night I had told her how depressed I was I going no motivation for ridding. She said she didn't want me ridding. She said I should spend time doing something beneficial for the family such as working extra. Mountain biking doesn't benefit the family. And going into this marriage when we talked finances and other stuff that might be an issue she agree also that I should stop traveling for work much. All I said was don't mess with my biking time. That's my passion my stress reliever. She agreed. I cut back on traveling. In fact haven't since marriage. But she wants me to give up my only stress reliever. The only time I have away from her to find peace. !!! I'm starting to wake up from all this and considering divorce!!!


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

While she expects a husband to work work and provide. She doesn't clean ( I clean bathrooms floors windows. Whole house pretty much)doesn't do dishes and rarely cooks. It's been 2 months since I saw her cook. Laundry. I do mine. When she does hers she throws some of my stuff in and leaves it there, telling me I have clothes to put away while I'm busy cleaning something she'll say are you going to put that away or do I have to do it for you. Frustrates me knowing she's just watching tv.
I'm not one of those who thinks wife should do all house shores. I share them. Therefore I think if I'm cleaning a bathroom she can easily put the 5 shirts she washed away. I don't feel like I have a wife


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## brendanoco (Aug 6, 2014)

Why are you allowing this women to walk all over you?? what kind of example are you giving your son?? that women should treat you like sh*t and you put up with it.

I think she is sh*t testing you and you are failing badly next time she disrespects you tell her to shut up and to stop disrespecting you.

She will probably lose her mind but you will gain her respect.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Firebird you are a doormat and don't seem to be listening to anyone at all, just ranting. 

I mean what you're describing is truly awful and I can't understand why anyone would remain in your situation. No kids? Get the f out already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Firebird,

Stop the rants. We don't need any more examples of how awful your wife is.

Instead let us help you plan to get out of there.

When are you going to move out?

You have been married 3 months. Your divorce should be pretty easy... no children and no assets to split. What state do you live in? There might be an online, self help divorce site that the court provides. Or go to legalZoom. Get a quick divorce drawn up and file it... basically it can say that due to the short length of the marriage, there are no marital assets. YOu have no children together. You are both self supporting. Done, file it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I think in many cases when the wife makes more money than the husband it's the end of the relationship. How could I possibly make more money than my ceo wife? Not going to happen even as an airline captain.......It changes the dynamic of a relationship. I'm not saying it can't be ok but the odds are against you. It helped kill my marriage. By the way folks who remember me......my divorce was final July 25th.......Betrayedone......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Betrayedone said:


> I think in many cases when the wife makes more money than the husband it's the end of the relationship. How could I possibly make more money than my ceo wife? Not going to happen even as an airline captain.......It changes the dynamic of a relationship. I'm not saying it can't be ok but the odds are against you. It helped kill my marriage. By the way folks who remember me......my divorce was final July 25th.......Betrayedone......


This is something that people, men and women, will need to learn to deal with. The number of women who earn as much or more than their husbands.

I've always earned as much or more than my husbands.

Now my first husband was one of those .. what he made was his, what I made was his.

My second husband was laid off and refused to get a job after that.. years and years. It was not the lack of him producing income that was the issue with him. It was his refusal to raise his own kids and be a productive member of society that were major factors in the divorce.


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

I'm gonna grow some balls and do that. I'll keep you guys updated on the outcome. I've learned the only person who's been there for me is my son. I can't let him down!


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## Firebird (Aug 5, 2014)

Thanks for the advice


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, take care of your son.

Do keep us posted. Hope it all goes well for you.


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