# Unhappy, stressed, flipfloppy, wanting out...help



## unsureanymore (Mar 31, 2014)

This is my first time posting on here, and Iv'e read a lot of posts from different lives among people....and realize I need advice and help, I can't keep going on like this. I tend to think mine is challenging and confusing, but I will try to keep it short and to the point. 
First off I met my now husband when I was 15 (he was 17) and I wouldn't say I fell in love with him it was a friendship that became a boyfriend girlfriend thing and we were young. We are totally opposite with everything, i'm outgoing he's not...everything I like to do he doesn't. I always heard opposites attract but now I'm 25 and learning differently. A few years ago things started going down hill, I started growing up and he was still a kid...Staying up late (4am) playing video games, never showed me attention, sex was not important, started calling me fat, needless to say I felt not wanted. I came to the conclusion I was done and I wanted out. 

I met someone over social media and we became close friends. I felt so loved with him, wanted, needed and fell madly in love with this guy. I finally said this is my way out after being with my (boyfriend) I can use cheating on him as an excuse to leave. I was wrong. After cheating on my boyfriend for 4 months, things got worse and I was using "staying with a friend" as an excuse to leave so I could go be with this other man. He eventually started to catch on, and asked me one night if I was cheating and I came clean and told him everything, to the bits and pieces of everything....how I did it, when I did this..which now I regret every piece of it. I told him I was done, i'm not happy and I was leaving......he cried, and then began to tell me if I left he was going to kill himself...(confused, and emotional at this point due to how do I leave someone who says that to me, when that's how my Father took his own life)

Not even 3 months later on a trip that was already paid, he proposed...I said yes, but really wanted to say no. At this point, i'm still talking to the other guy which knew my situation. 
I finally thought maybe marriage will fix this, maybe he cares now, maybe scaring to leave worked. I went through with it, along with cold feet 3x and calling the wedding off once. I wanted to get married the following year, and he wanted to get married less than 6 months from the proposal. This pushed me more and more to cold feet, because I felt trapped. I let go, and we got married. We fought the first night of the honeymoon, every other night was a win or loose fight because I didn't really want this, I felt trapped and pushed for this as if I couldn't get out now that I'm married. 

We have been married 1 year and a few months, and I have tried leaving 3 times, 1 he knows about. I feel like I am fine for a week or two and try to make it and then the next week I'm ready to pack my things and get out and never look back. I'm tired, unhappy, intimacy is not there anymore, I can't even stand to kiss him, or him touch me, I'm not in love with him anymore. 

Finally what drove me on here today was, I just finished my pack of birth control pills for the month and I start another next week well, the pack is missing/gone and he has been harping on me about a baby for the past 2 weeks...asking me when he can knock me up. This is a trap, I feel it, I know it, someone please help me.....I can't do this anymore but I'm in so much fear of my life and what he capable of with me hurting him If I leave.....


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Get out now. You are still very young and plenty of time to find a relationship that is right, have kids and make all your dreams come true. Normally I'd suggest counseling and an attempt to reconcile, but clearly you don't want that. You need to find the strength to make the decisions that are right for you and him. It will only get worse with more years and a child. 

If you are afraid he will hurt you, get a restraining order and move into a gated apartment community. If you are concerned he will hurt himself, don't be. You are not responsible if he does and that he would attempt to black mail you with his own psychotic desire to hurt himself is just more reasons to hit the road hard and soon. 

Learn from this. Most of all learn to have the strength to make the right choices before you do things like have affairs or get married. 

Good Luck


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

...Further.. 

I did not see you point out any reason that you should stay in the relationship other than his self-harm black mail. 

And you should not regret coming clean to him about the affair because in doing so you gave him an opportunity to realize what was at stake in the relationship. While obviously the affair was wrong, it would have been more wrong and not helpful to not come clean. That your relationship did not find reconciliation after the exposed affair is important. 

End it for both of your happiness. You are under no obligation to sacrifice your happiness so that he has some ill conceived purpose to live a life of video game induced lethargy. He won't change himself for the better until he hits rock bottom without you.


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## unsureanymore (Mar 31, 2014)

Thank you, and I know i'm young and my friends I have talked to can tell that i'm unhappy and tell me all the time that there is no point to be in a marriage if your unhappy...it's only going to get worse. I have thought about counseling but I honestly don't think it will help anything only because I have sat him down and told him i'm unhappy, and don't know what to do anymore. He tells me he will change and he will do anything and everything to make me happy, and he does make me happy with certain things like the things around the house (not much) but I feel like he's only doing it to be doing it to make me stay because he know's I can walk out and leave. He has told me times that he has papers on me and I can't go anywhere. 
He has never liked kids, never been around a child before, but yet again today he asked me have you thought about that baby question yet, are you ready? I feel like i'm being pressured, when I'm the one who has to carry and deliver it and stay home for leave....

He constantly wants me all the time (sex), and I have not physically wanted him in a few years like that (not since before we were married and I cheated on him) and i'm not sure I even wanted him then. We lack chemistry, i'm not attracted to him in any way and it hurts me to say that. The other guy I cheated on him (before marriage) with was everything I ever wanted in a man, physically, emotionally, mentally, loved his smell, his smile, we had chemistry and a lot in common.....I feel like because I had this feeling in my life with this other man..... because I have been with my husband for 10 years, and now that I was with someone else I explored other options and loved it that I'm using it as an excuse but it's not. I feel like you will only find your soul mate through searching, not while married. I feel like meeting this other man and cheating was a way for me get out and know what this was not meant for me, and every since iv'e been married it's horrible...there's nothing happy about it. I don't like bringing my husband around my friends, I feel ashamed to have wedding pictures at work of us. 

Get out????? The words seem so easy to type but so much harder to just walk out...hurting him is the last thing I want because I feel like I went through a marriage I could have prevented. When I say I want to separate, I feel like he is supposed to back me up and say lets try and hope it only makes our marriage stronger, but instead he wants to kill himself.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Is it not true that you don't want the marriage? Unless there is more you have not said, the best thing you can do is end it as quickly and painlessly as possible. Counseling is for people that want to be married and need help breaking down obstacles to that. He probably genuinely loves you and would do anything to keep you including change a lot about himself (behaviors, maturity, etc.. ) But it sounds like you are not interested no matter what changes he might make so why prolong the agony and wasted time?. Tear it off quick and clean.

It is harsh to put it this way but you have already hurt him. The damage is done. From what you have said, if its the complete story, you can't be his wife and that fact will become painfully clear either quickly with a divorce, or with the slow and excruciating passage of time that neither of you will ever get back.

Give your apologies and exit as quick and clean as possible. Best thing for both of you. 

Tell his family about his suicide threats so they can keep an eye on him. If you are very concerned about suicide, stay with it a week more to get into counseling. Tell the therapist your intentions and the threat and they will recommend/insist on individual counseling for him. That way he is at least in professional hands when you end the marriage. That is about all you can do for him I think.

A word of caution for you. Few relationships are sustained for long by chemistry alone and none for a lifetime. You have to make the choice to be with someone through thick and thin at some point or it won't last. I am not saying you can't have a great marriage or sex life but even the hottest fire is going to have cool periods over decades. You will need to have the love and respect to sustain you past that with the right person.


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