# Good advice via FB...



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Where can I find a man like this?? Do they exist?? Seriously, someone posted this on Facebook this evening, and I thought it was really, really good. Rings true for BOTH sides. 


MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had...

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Sounds more like a continuous free pass for her in many areas. In real life, you can't serve a cake-eater more cake...I have never met the woman in this "fantasy land" above. You simply can't forgive everything immediately, and I don't know of one woman who would reciprocate that either. And never blame her? For anything? Ya, I can't imagine that being a 2 way street.

I think some of it is very sweet, but it just won't apply universally. The whole "serving you, the kids and the world"....I really don't know women like this, at least in my generation. 

This is what I thought women were like when I was a child. I was wrong.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I do agree that some of it is over the top unrealistic. (forgive immediately? if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not....um, NO) But I found most of it good things to aspire to.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I do agree that some of it is over the top unrealistic. (forgive immediately? if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not....um, NO) But I found most of it good things to aspire to.


I agree. If both people treated each other this way the "honeymoon" period would never end. Wouldn't that be nice.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I'll start with, I hate these lists.

First, the majority of them are completely one-sided and tilted towards the female's benefit, for lack of having a better description at hand.

Second, is that these lists and the people who act on them and put them in motion generate a large sense of entitlement in women. I see it as a great way to generate a group of spoiled brats honestly. 

Don't get me wrong. My wife is my queen and is on a pedestal. But sometimes you have to slow down and say no. Sometimes she needs to accept being wrong.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Malpheous said:


> I'll start with, I hate these lists.
> 
> First, the majority of them are completely one-sided and tilted towards the female's benefit, for lack of having a better description at hand.
> 
> ...


And then you get the women who actually believe and expect that that is how it should be all the time, and if you don't live up to it all the time, you are not treating her right and how horrible you are. These kinds of things set up such unrealistic standards...unattainable really. 

And the thing is, even if you did do all those things perfectly, all the time, she would likely end up treating you like crap because of it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> And then you get the women who actually believe and expect that that is how it should be all the time, and if you don't live up to it all the time, you are not treating her right and how horrible you are. These kinds of things set up such unrealistic standards...unattainable really.
> 
> And the thing is, even if you did do all those things perfectly, all the time, she would likely end up treating you like crap because of it.


Pedastals usually get crapped on. It's more a norm than the oddity.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Thanks 3xnocharm.

Nice list...take out out the wife/husband/him/her and it works for both spouses. 

I read this and it reminds *me* to be the kind of spouse that *I* want to be married to.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband has treated me within *the spirit *of every one of those points over all our years together... He is not a unicorn... I could go in detail and fine point some areas he missed it ...but it was always in hurting himself NEVER ME....(yes I have been very spoiled one might say)....

And yes, he even admits to putting me on a pedestal too...Typical White Knight Gentleman here... I've even had an argument with him one night about how men should never never do this...it's not healthy ...and he argued back ...what am I supposed to do... so I just have one for him too! 

And true to form...because he was so Loving....(as this often does happen)...I did take him for granted in some ways, got caught up in our kids, being busy.....not showering him with *as much* affection / attention as he craved from me.. but he never complained... He was a good man throughout all... 

Granted...it was never too awful bad -cause I LOVED being with him ...we were always joined at the hip... when it comes to
*#14 - Give her space*..I never wanted space !! .. and yeah, he liked that! 

He just wanted more Sex...that's been his only complaint in all our years -as his drive was higher & he didn't rock the boat. 

I could say he wasn't *#15 Vulnerable* enough with me about his feelings in that very thing...or one could call that "assertiveness" .. (Either way, this would have been to his benefit & mine).....so in that I guess he was not fully Transparent either then -hiding these parts of himself back. Learning this 4 yrs ago -made me a little angry - as I had no idea. 

Immediately forgiving.... it's more like he'd never run from an argument, he was always there, Present, an attitude of Willingness to put the marriage before his being right ...though we've always been so much on the same page....we've had very few head logger fights...we brain storm together, never allowing the sun to go down on our anger... our communication has been one of our greatest assets all these years....minus in one area - we missed it ... in the sexual. Which has all been mended now..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Malpheous said:


> I'll start with, I hate these lists.
> 
> First, the majority of them are completely one-sided and tilted towards the female's benefit, for lack of having a better description at hand.
> 
> ...


It should have been "How to treat your spouse" with no gender assigned.

And if you truly love someone, most of these are just what you do...or one would hope.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

if you are taking your relationship cues from FB or email chain letters or cute little bulleted lists of aphorisms and platitudes.... sorry.

It baffles me that some people seem to eat that crap up - "HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AND BE HAPPY!!!"

Gee. Thanks. one less thing to worry about.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dunno....it may spark a shift in someone who never thought of something a different way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anotherguy said:


> if you are taking your relationship cues from FB or email chain letters or cute little bulleted lists of aphorisms and platitudes.... sorry.
> 
> It baffles me that some people seem to eat that crap up - "HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE AND BE HAPPY!!!"
> 
> Gee. Thanks. one less thing to worry about.


I have found things I enjoyed on FB, it has less to do with being on FB than it has to do with the person who put it there and they found it a worthy message... 

I'm not into chain letters and forwarding either, I ignore & never participate. 

I have posted things on there I felt were a valued message.. like quotes for Fathers Day...not that this gets many thoughts given in return... in fact, I would be better off to get on there and B**ch about something....I'd probably get more of a response...and frankly...have.....so that just goes to show ...what matters to people... so good for 3Xnocharm for taking the time to read that one! 

If it inspires for the good...and I agree...it goes for the wife to treat her man JUST as wonderful......then it's a blessing...to any marriage.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have found things I enjoyed on FB, it has less to do with being on FB than it has to do with the person who put it there and they found it a worthy message...
> 
> I'm not into chain letters and forwarding either, I ignore & never participate.
> 
> ...


If it inspires, then for sure it is good. And very good for BOTH spouses to take heed. I guess my issue is that there is so much of this out there, how men need to treat women and effectively deify them. It sets up the men for failure if they get wrapped up in a woman who holds such an unrealistic, and frankly unhealty set of EXPECTATIONS that it becomes a demand WITHOUT being told the she has to do the same IN RETURN to deserve any of it. Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean she is entitled. And then the fact that there really aren't that many pieces like this about what a woman should do to take care of her man beyond the tongue in cheek give him a steak and a blowjob...


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

The list is too generic and too flowery IMO


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

samyeagar said:


> If it inspires, then for sure it is good. And very good for BOTH spouses to take heed. I guess my issue is that there is so much of this out there, how men need to treat women and effectively deify them.
> 
> It sets up the men for failure if they get wrapped up in a woman who holds such an unrealistic, and frankly unhealty set of EXPECTATIONS that it becomes a demand WITHOUT being told the she has to do the same IN RETURN to deserve any of it. *Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean she is entitled.* And then the fact that there really aren't that many pieces like this about what a woman should do to take care of her man beyond the tongue in cheek give him a steak and a blowjob...


*Entitlement *destroys everything it touches.... *Gratitude* and a  of *Thankfulness*, however....in response to being treated well .. when one shows THIS.... it causes something catchy between 2 partners...and they both want to GIVE to each other... 

I've always been inspired and looked upon the *Proverbs 31 Woman * as a fine model....the words show a grand Respect for her husband/ her marriage...

.........










...............







 How to Be a Proverbs 31 Wife in a Modern World 











> *10* A wife of noble character, who can find? She is worth far more than rubies; so buy her diamonds.
> 
> *11 *Her husband knows that she has everything under control and he has nothing to complain about.
> 
> ...


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

I personally liked the list. I made numerous mistakes along that line. Now 2 months into my separation and I have been doing most of these things, I can say my walk away wife is pretty much back in my arms and although separated location wise, we are closer and currently working on our issues. She wants me as her husband. Trust that I don't regress is the issue. That will come in time.


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## talk123 (Apr 15, 2013)

waiwera said:


> Thanks 3xnocharm.
> 
> Nice list...take out out the wife/husband/him/her and it works for both spouses.
> 
> I read this and it reminds *me* to be the kind of spouse that *I* want to be married to.


I was thinking the same as I read the quotes.
The wives should do the same. It applies to all.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

noas55 said:


> I personally liked the list. I made numerous mistakes along that line. Now 2 months into my separation and I have been doing most of these things, I can say my walk away wife is pretty much back in my arms and although separated location wise, we are closer and currently working on our issues. She wants me as her husband. Trust that I don't regress is the issue. That will come in time.


I read your story bro...be careful you're not rug-sweeping and cake-feeding your WAW. I just hope you're not the only one working on it...she should be doing some heavy lifting.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Brilliant ! This is what my marriage looks like, how we both treat each other. It encompasses all of my beliefs and points of view on the marriage subject. Do what it's written there, and you're golden.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Hortensia said:


> Brilliant ! This is what my marriage looks like, how we both treat each other. It encompasses all of my beliefs and points of view on the marriage subject. *Do what it's written there, and you're golden*.


ONLY if BOTH partners are doing it. If ONLY ONE partner is doing it, this is a recipe for building resentment, and a failed marriage...

As an aside, this is how my relationship is with my STBW, and how we both treat eachother. Maybe not the specifics of each point, but the over all tone and feel absolutely...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

tulsy said:


> I agree. If both people treated each other this way the "honeymoon" period would never end. Wouldn't that be nice.


It IS nice! And why wouldn't it work if we treat each other this way? To me, it all boils down to the word "cherish". Cherish each other. 

We don't fight, I can't think of anything to fight over. We don't get mad, the other person isn't irritating... I think we chose well. We don't call each other negative names, why would we?
We don't speak of each other in a negative way, because there aren't any negatives. 

We appreciate each other, we give thanks, we touch, we laugh... We cherish each other. 

2nd marriage, (7 years) we knew what to look for and what to strive for. We each THOUGHT this is what marriage should look like, should feel like. We each (before we met) thought maybe it doesn't exist... it's a fantasy. It's not! It can exist. If I and some others here say it's true... then there must be MORE marriages like this. I know of a few couples that have "this". 

We joke.... "honeymoon's over?" Nah.... still going strong. We count our blessings.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think if you just look at this from your point of view, it is a good reminder to appreciate your spouse more. It's a little over the top, but I don't always appreciate what my hubby does for me all the time. In fact, when he gets home from the gym, I'm going to tell him thank you again for being who he is. Thanks for the reminder.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

inquizitivemind said:


> I think if you just look at this from your point of view, it is a good reminder to appreciate your spouse more. *It's a little over the top, *but I don't always appreciate what my hubby does for me all the time. In fact, when he gets home from the gym, *I'm going to tell him thank you again for being who he is.* Thanks for the reminder.


Wouldn't we all enjoy being "Over the Top" loved... not that we should Expect it... but if / when it comes our way...hopefully we will recognize it... cherish it...and show that appreciation in return. 

In the spirit of your post...that's what it's all about..

Sometimes...


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Malpheous said:


> I'll start with, I hate these lists.
> 
> First, the majority of them are completely one-sided and tilted towards the female's benefit, for lack of having a better description at hand.
> 
> Second, is that these lists and the people who act on them and put them in motion generate a large sense of entitlement in women. I see it as a great way to generate a group of spoiled brats honestly.




Agree.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Ugh, I did all of these but #11, and was never perfect but this reads like a list of "what I did before she cut my balls off and screamed at me for being a man without balls". 

I am feeling like not every wife is even worth this, and dawning realization that ones own wife is not worth it is like waking up in hell.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> If it inspires, then for sure it is good. And very good for BOTH spouses to take heed. I guess my issue is that there is so much of this out there, how men need to treat women and effectively deify them. It sets up the men for failure if they get wrapped up in a woman who holds such an unrealistic, and frankly unhealty set of EXPECTATIONS that it becomes a demand WITHOUT being told the she has to do the same IN RETURN to deserve any of it. Just because she has a vagina doesn't mean she is entitled. And then the fact that there really aren't that many pieces like this about what a woman should do to take care of her man beyond the tongue in cheek give him a steak and a blowjob...


samyeager please see an update from the same guy but this time what women need to know about men:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...-woman-should-know-about-men.html#post3508161


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Like some of the folks on here have posted, I agree with sentiment that it appears that the Love and Romance industry is mostly about women's needs and very little is said or understood about what men need. 

I am afraid that some women think all that a man wants is sex. Here's an update in response to OP but this time somewhat balancing the scale:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...-woman-should-know-about-men.html#post3508161


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