# Over, and Over Again



## Richard Ward (Aug 4, 2009)

I guess I finally realized today that my Wife of almost 2 years, lover of 6 years, and friend of over a decade is going to leave me at some point. Maybe she left a long time ago like she said in one of our many fights mainly caused by my own problems. And I’ve had a lot of problems. I didn’t ask for the hand I’ve been dealt but I have to deal with it. I can’t leave myself — I’m all I’ve got and today that really sank in after the last conversation I had with my Wife.

I guess she’s just tired of waiting for me. From responsibilities to a slue of legal troubles, I haven’t lived a normal life. I feel like I’ve somewhat pissed away the best years of my life but unfortunately that life hasn’t been in my control. I’ve used it as a shield sometimes to make reason as to why I am me but when the smoke clears, I’m going to be stronger. Maybe a little bitter and hallow with the direction my love life is taking but I’m going to be okay. It’s not the end of the world.

It’s just hard knowing that you’ve failed someone — let someone down so much for so long that when you finally get a grasp on things, you realize that there’s something missing and it hurts deeply. I can honestly say I’ve never felt pain like this before. I’ve had a very rough life but I know I’ve made it harder on myself and I can’t make up for that. I can’t change what has been done I can just make the future better.

And it’s going to be better. Nobody around me can see what I’m finally able to see. I can’t force my Wife to continue to stand by my side and love me, trust in me, and stay with me when she has lost hope just as I’ve found it. I don’t know what the next 6 years hold for me but I’ll never forget these past. I’ve had some of the best times of my life with a woman who is now so confused and alone and I can’t do anything about it until it’s too late. I feel like a failure and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

I’m still learning. I’m certainly not perfect and she has certainly give me more than enough chances for change. I don’t see things clearly until I run into a brick wall. Now I feel as if I’m bleeding from the head and I’m the only one here. I think if I could sum up my feelings in one word it wouldn’t be alone, or unhappy, or unloved… It would be: missing.

I can only do what I can. Wake up, and start each day trying to make myself better and I’ve been doing it. It’s a slow process I know but it’s working. Maybe if our marriage lasts I can finally be the husband she deserves. Or maybe she’ll find that person before I can become him. I don’t know.

My Wife feels like I make her out to be a monster, like our relationship rests in her hands. But it really does. She tells me that being married shouldn’t be this hard but I say, if the love is there you can overcome anything. I think what really, really gets me the most above all is that if our roles were reversed — I’d still be standing next to her. Through everything, deep down I just want the person I’m with to be happy and loved. And I’m willing to make sure she’s happy and loved until the day that I die. There’s no matter of problems that can’t be fixed, there’s nothing unresolvable. If you love someone anything is possible. And I do. It’s not just something I said at Church — I do.

I’d like to think there’s enough genuine good inside me to be loved through the ups and the downs. I still have a lot of love to give. Still so young, and there’s so much I want to do with my life but unfortunately I’m also kind of a softy. I need love, and to be loved. For most of my life, even growing up I’ve been alone — only child, traveled around, didn’t do well in school. I don’t have a lot of friends, but I have one best friend who I will always care for, who I will always love, no matter what happens or how she makes me feel. I’ll never stop believing in her, and she’s made me want to be a better man. I’m doing this for me, for us, and for everyone else out there who knows me.

Maybe when it’s all said and done we’ll still be married. I have my doubts as does she but the mountain we climb doesn’t change the beautiful face I see next to me. I’m going to enjoy every moment we’re together and if she feels it’s time to let go — I’m not going to cry. I can’t force her feelings to change, but I can change. And in the future, one day, to someone, I’m going to be that husband. I’m going to be the father I never had. And I’m going to be loved again. Someone has to believe in me…


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## Jessica2009 (Aug 8, 2009)

I BELIEVE!

Wow, you have such a healthy, positive attitude! You are right - you will always be loved when you love yourself. I think you will be just fine. Keep doing what you're doing. 

But-- if you feel like crying, cry. It won't make you weak. You don't have to fall apart, but it IS ok to feel a loss. Listen to your heart so it can heal.

I have faith in you. Stay strong!


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