# Husband left me 4 Months Pregnant



## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

My husband left me about 6 weeks ago. We have been married for just one year but together for 3 before that. We had been arguing alot and he finally said he had enough and he just couldn't do it anymore. I was at my cousins wedding and not even in the same city as him when he decided this. He told me over the phone. At that point in our relationship I was 16 weeks pregnant. What was the "straw that broke the camels back" - his increased drinking… I left for the wedding on a Thursday - that night he went out and got drunk. I called to speak with him on Friday and lo and behold he was drinking again. I was upset that he felt the need to drink the entire time I was away and expressed this to him. Then BOOM - he's done. 

So now here I am 6 weeks later, 22 weeks pregnant, and am still feeling so lost and utterly alone. He started out being so nice and caring asking me not to hate him and checking in everyday to see that I was alright. I was already having a difficult pregnancy and I am sure he was having trouble dealing with that as well. But the added stress only made the difficult pregnancy worse. I lost 9 pounds in 7 days when he said he couldn't do this anymore. I don't eat, I don't sleep, and I don't know what to do. I thought if I gave him some space we could work on the relationship and ideally one day reconcile. But he said he did not want too. He says all we do is fight and we never did anything that he wanted to do. He said and still says he loves me and he always will. My heart tells me that he hasn't had an affair (I honestly believe that he would have said so by now given all the harsh words he has said to me). The worst part is that the pregnancy was his idea. Of course I wanted children but never with someone who didn't want to be a supporting husband during a very emotional time in my life. I never wanted to give a child a life that I wouldn't want to give myself. He has said he was unhappy for a long time. But no one saw it coming but him.....our families, both mine and his did not see this coming.....I certainly did not see this coming......not even one friend has said anything to the effect that they knew this was coming.....no one knows what to say to me to make me feel better because no one understands how this happened......everyone refers to us as the "golden" couple....if they were going to bet money on a relationship that would last they all would have picked us.....It is all so confusing to me. 

I have been trying real hard not to hate him for doing this to me. I have been trying to be his "friend" even though I would never ever have friends that would just walk away from a relationship, but for the baby I am trying. He is hurting me so much by not even asking how the baby is doing - I have to go to the doctors every week for a prenatal appointment (that's how serious my health has gotten). Every week I get to hear the babies heart beat and get measured for growth and he doesn't even care to ask how things are progressing yet claims he wants to be involved in everything to do with the baby. Last night he was very blunt. He told me that we are separated and we are not together and I need to realize this, I know we are not together right now I am not stupid. I'm just trying not to hate him right now....but I just don't know what to do anymore. 

He was so mad at me one night; he said I should just get the seperation papers to him as soon as possible and we will deal with the child later and he hung up on me. Then the next day called to apologize. I want to work on our relationship. If people can work through affairs and work through more difficult things why can we not work through fighting??? I want to be with him. I want him to be a husband and a father to our child. What to do - how to do it....I have never felt so alone


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

He sounds like a complete twat.

Can you get support from family or medical staff I don't think you can change his behaviour you got to rely on oher suppurt hunni.

Hope you can keep your spirits up.

Fin x


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

I have a lot of support from my family and friends. I actually live in a small town of less then 4000 people and surprisingly several members of the community have been there for me as well. Some of them I don't even know have come to ask if there is anything they can do to help. In that aspect I am lucky. 

And he does sound like a twat I know - didn't stop me from falling in love with him. 

But reality hit me last night like a brick house - and today I know that this will end in divorce. It hurts but the baby is more important then he will ever be to me. Even is we were together the child needs me more then he ever could.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

feel sad for you! 
Feel sad for women!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Arguments are never good!
Fighting can never solve problems!


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

Your situation reminds me a lot of my own in some ways. My baby was only a few months old when my husband decided that it wouldn't work anymore. I was a little more ready for it though because he too had started drinking quite a lot when I was pregnant and it went out of control after the baby was born. Still, his family and my own were floored by it. All that I can tell you is that it does get better. It sounds like you are ready to focus on your baby and that is what is really important. You cannot control this mans involvement. Trust me, my own ex rarely ever takes our baby when he's supposed to. But your baby is going to have one very amazing thing ... You! And trust me, once that little one joins the world you will see his happiness with life every single time that he looks up at you ... and you will know that you will both be okay. For now, just focus on doing hat is good for you! Take long baths, read books, take walks and buy a little something just for you now and again! No matter how things look now, they will get better.
Good luck to you and your precious little one! I know you both will find joy in one another and all those who love and stand by you!


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## maritza (Sep 20, 2010)

I am so sorry to hear this. I am going thorugh a divorce with one year old twins and similar to someone that was good. I think they cant take the pressure of being parents, although they say they wanted to. I dont want to hate him and I pray to God to show me how to forgive . My counselor has told me on many occasions that I cannot make him be a good parent, so u cant make him ask u how the baby is doing. This sounds horrible!! And the best advice form my counselor is to stop talking to him, because the answers he gives u will hurt u. I am so sorry you are going through this...


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

It's just been hard to be the couple that everyone is jealous of only to find out that my husband doesn't feel the same way. It still hurts everyday but I am slowly trying to heal the wounds he has caused me by trying to forget about him. But even that is hard because all he has taken from the house is clothes. Everything else is still at the house. I have decided that I will pack his stuff as a sort of closure to the relationship I guess. I am really not looking forward to this but I have decided to start this process tonight. I hope this will all be over with and I will be in a better place emotionally when I have the baby. Thank you for the good wishes - I'm certainly going to need it.


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

My heart goes out to you. The first thing I want to tell you is you have amazing strength for accepting that you may have to something as monumental as raising a child on your own. You are looking to a future, a prosmising one, and that is all that we can really do in this life. Just keep hoping that each day we will get a little stronger.

Take care of yourself, because your baby is still in you, so keep your health your number one goal. 

It breaks my heart to hear all of these sad stories, but you are not alone. We are not alone. I feel sad for all of these men who are not truly grateful for the wonderful women that have been placed in their life. It's like..will they _ever_ be happy?? I dont know, but what you have to do is focus on yourself. You will get through this. Sounds like your already starting by accepting the reality. The facts are sometimes much harder accept, its so much easier just to go off feelings. 

Here's to a new you! God bless your baby, he or she is a gift


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## dptissu (Sep 30, 2010)

I just have to say I feel like I know you. I just joined this sight as I have many others trying to find some hope and answers that I know noone can give me. My fiance of 3 years doesnt want me any longer because I accidentally got pregnant with a 2nd baby while on birth control. We have 5 kids total and are good parents and love our family. The major setback is that he is an alcoholic although he functions day to day very well. This is a problem that has been going on for years before me. He isnt ready to admit it. Amongst him threatening me to get an abortion (I am 13 weeks) and telling me if I have it he is leaving me anyway (well kicking us out because he owns our home). I got fed up with the constant drinking and it came to a head. Now he feels threatened and violated and is throwing a temper tantrum. The words and actions that come out of this man are like nothing I have ever seen. They cut deeper than he will ever know. 
AS for your story. Not knowing every detail, I have to say that I dont think too many woman go into this situation wanting to be a single mom. It is a hard job..... The hardest job. I took care of my 3 kids from my previous marriage for 5 years without a lick of help. It was hard but it can be done. My suggestion to you would be if he is mean then dont talk to him! If he doesnt ask how the baby is (which should also include how are you!!!) Dont give the info to him. You can be civil without being a doormat. You and your baby deserve that at this point. Maybe the unknown will shake him up a bit. I dont know to what extent he drinks but if its anything like what I have then he could possibly have some mental damage as well as physical that could be aiding his horrible behavior. If your heart tells you that its not an affair then it probably isnt. But it doesnt take your pain away and it doesnt ease you at all. You are still entitled to your feelings and honey, at this point in time if there is no other you should be able to express them! I can tell you this much that I do know because its all I can hang onto at this point for myself....is that it will get easier. If it is meant to be then it will be....either way with him or without him. Your heart will guide you and your love for your precious baby will get you through it. Hold tough and focus on you and your baby....Try and gain those 9lbs back sweetie. 
I could go on and on because you seem to have a story that is semi similar to mine and that is harder to come by. Big hugs going your way!!!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You've been together for 3 years, it's not very short, so you've known your husband very well. He was a good man, this is not him, otherwise you wouldn't have married to him. You needed his love, lots of love and care for you. However, from what you posted, instead of asking him for love and care, you argued and fought with him. You hated him. There's no peace he can wish. Don't you think so? What can he do? When a wife became hard to get alone to the extreme, he had given up on all his dreams in a beautiful marriage ,feeling regretful to marry you even you have his baby. He felt he's a loser anyway. 
Then you would go on hating him more and making him worthnothing as the biggest loser in the whole world... He would run even further from you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Of course you should dump him if he's really a loser... You know this is not him, the man who you have been in love with... It's very pity for both of you to end this way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

Part of the problem was that I did tell him that I needed him - I told him I was lonely and that I needed him, but he did not listen to me. When I told him I was scared about what my body was going through and I am scared about labour – he didn’t even listen. I know this now because the other night on the phone he said to me “You never once told me you were scared” and “Women give birth all the time”. I understand women give birth all the time – but I haven’t ever done it before.....because others have done it shouldn’t be a worry for me?

I wish there had been signs that something was wrong besides the fights. We had one bad month and then bam he’s done. I wish he would have stopped telling me everyday that he loved me and I wish he would not have made love to me all the time. I wish he would have pulled away...maybe he did and I was too busy being upset I didn’t even notice...

I finally went and sought legal advice – when I told him about it he got upset with me. Everytime I have tried to talk to him about it since then he has made an excuse to not discuss anything with me. He’s dragging this out longer and longer and hurting me more and more. 

When I re-read what I have posted I think – “wow he is a selfish jerk – why am I even upset about all of this?” But I am. Everyday I am.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I doubt you only had one bad month. He said as much - he never got to do what he wanted, fighting, etc. 

I'm not saying he is not an ass for leaving you. I'm just saying that if you want to try to save your marriage, you will listen to him and figure out what has made him so unhappy. Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire for men, and ask him to fill it out; he should have no problem telling you what you did wrong. Then read it and really try to learn where you went wrong with YOUR half (if indeed you did), so that you can STOP those behaviors that made him willing to walk away.

Once you address that and get him more willing to at least talk to you, then you can address HIS side.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

turnera said:


> "You never once told me you were scared” and “Women give birth all the time”. I understand women give birth all the time – but I haven’t ever done it before.....because others have done it shouldn’t be a worry for me?


People start school all the time too. And they have their first relationships, get married, buy houses, lose their parents, have health scares, have grandkids and eventually die all the time too. These things are all called 'Rites of Passage', and none of them should be downplayed. They are incredibly significant times in the lifespan of a human being and each milestone deserves the respect and support of those involved. It is hard to fathom a father-to-be being quite so offhand about this matter.

When he said "Women give birth all the time" you could have said "Yes, and this woman is giving birth to your baby so a little support would be appreciated".

I'm trying really hard not to rant about this, because regardless of the problems with the relationship prior to the pregnancy, it is the biggest thing you have ever done and are ever likely to do, and for the father to say such rubbish about women giving birth all the time and expecting you to spell out to him that you are scared when that should simply be implied, well it just makes my blood boil.

Good luck to you dear


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's really a matter of self-respect. Do you respect yourself enough to be MAD about his poor treatment of you? You should.


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

I do respect myself enough and am very mad at my H. Most of the time I don’t even refer to him as my H anymore – a H wouldn’t treat anyone this way. 

I was in shock about this entire situation. I was in shock that he 1. left me while I was pregnant with his child that he had PLANNED with me - but now know that he was involved in an EA with another woman – there is no doubt in my mind. He will not admit this to me. And actually said that there is no such thing as an EA and it’s completely made up….I have no comment as I know very well that it is not a made up thing. & 2. I cannot believe the vindictive things he has been saying to me. But I am no longer in shock - now I am pissed right off. 

I no longer wish to reconcile with my H or communicate with him. 

Two nights ago I told him that I do not think we should communicate anymore and I will speak with either his mother or father and inform them of the progress with the pregnancy as there is no reason for us to talk. I said when I go into labour I will let you know, but you are not welcome to be there during the actual labour. 

I ask him to not call me and he calls me, I ask him to not text me and he texts me. I return calls that are in regards to the baby and try to not talk about anything else. But even then it doesn't stay where it should be. This is so frustrating, so stressful and so unbelievably painful. 

He tells me how much he hates talking to me and doesn't even want to see me, he calls me a Stone Cold B*tch when I say it hurts me to know that his baby will not recognize his voice when it arrives as it has not heard it (I told him I was hurting for him and feeling sorry for what he was missing out on – and he calls me that - WTF). Then texts me a couple hours later to ask me what my plans are for the weekend, from the OW’s house, and asks me if I want to hang out with him. Ummm NO - of course I don’t. I am so angry and the damage is done. I hate that he is behaving this way and I currently resent that he is the father of my baby. Do not think that I resent the baby as that is not the case. 

But in all honesty - I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Change your phone number and your email if you're not strong enough to not return his calls.

Have you told his parents what he did?

btw, an EA is quite simply spending time with a member of the opposite sex in a manner in which you wouldn't include your spouse, or also hiding it from your spouse. He qualifies.


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

Well he doesn't e-mail me which I guess is a good thing. But my cell phone is a company phone so unfortunately I do not have much power when it comes to changing the number or even blocking a number. 

I have found that his parents know very little about anything. I have only spoken to his step-mom 1 time since the separation. She let me know of her and his dad's unhappiness with my H and his decision to walk away. They talk to him because they love him but not as much as they used too. They really didn't even know anything that has been going on with me or my health or anything so I cannot rely on him to pass any information onto them and I am not sure speaking with his parents will help me get any farther ahead anyways. 

I have only recently started to share my feelings on this EA that he has had and I told him that if people ask me what happened that I will say there was an EA. 

He is constantly keeping me in this loop of treating me so poorly and then being nice and apologetic. Saying that he only said these things because I have said hurtful things to him and he doesn’t hold everything I say to him against me so I shouldn’t hold them against him. He really has no idea how much this is constantly hurting me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is he continuing the affair?


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

I would have to say yes as he is still talking with her. I don't know the frequency of the conversations or length. Nothing anymore. Bt even when he was here I didn't know it was as advanced as it was. He maintains that he is not seeing this person in anything other then a friendship. But why would he tell me the truth?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then it's time to call his parents and tell them what he is doing. Ask them to help you save your marriage by talking to him.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

turnera said:


> Then it's time to call his parents and tell them what he is doing. Ask them to help you save your marriage by talking to him.


Do you _want_ to save your marriage? I'm sorry to sound stubborn and unforgiving, but after what he's done to his wife during her time of great change, would you really want to have him back in your life? This is messed up.


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

Most of me knows I am better off without him but part of me knows that this is not him. His behavior is completely erratic right now and nothing even makes sense. 

I am not sure anymore if I would want him back as my H or if I am just so lonely and so scared to finish the pregnancy off alone that I want him back. Either way I know I am not enjoying being alone and am really a bit scared about everything that is to come. 

I have no family here and the town is small. There won't even be a prenatal class for me to take before I have to give birth.

But for whatever reason I love H but really don't feel like there is any hope at this point to hope for any kind of reconciliation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you move back to where your family is?

I guess I should ask first, do you want to try to save your marriage?


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

I thought I did. But I really don't know anymore. It's a love hate relationship right now. I miss us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jonathan (Oct 13, 2010)

Is it possible that he just had a hard time dealing with your bat**** crazy hormonal swings?

I mean, I understand you "can't control" it, but it doesn't factor out the reality that upon becoming pregnant your personality changed. I am a person that has a very hard time with change I can understand that composure.

Some people have this thing that I call a "ledge". If they get too close and they fall off the edge they go immediately into narcissistic mode, ignoring all rationale.


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

Jonathan said:


> Is it possible that he just had a hard time dealing with your bat**** crazy hormonal swings?
> 
> I mean, I understand you "can't control" it, but it doesn't factor out the reality that upon becoming pregnant your personality changed. I am a person that has a very hard time with change I can understand that composure.
> 
> Some people have this thing that I call a "ledge". If they get too close and they fall off the edge they go immediately into narcissistic mode, ignoring all rationale.


Of course that's a possibility. I know I changed I was never needy before and during the first 3 months I was very needy and he wasn't used to that at all. Majority of our fights were about this person whom he was having the EA with. I needed attention from him and felt he was giving my attention to her. So yeah maybe he just couldn't deal with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if you decide you want to try to save the marriage, start by disclosing his cheating to someone he cares about; if that doesn't work, tell his parents, siblings, pastor, best friend and ask them to talk to him. You can't get your marriage back until OW is out of the picture.


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

Omg our situations are very similar. My husband and I have been separated for 2 ½ mths now and for the time he has put his EA on hold while he tries to figure out whats there with us. I suppose its easier b/c she lives thousands of miles away, if she was here I’m pretty sure it would be a different story. I feel you though. I know what it’s like to be sooo pissed and most people are looking at you like “why in the world would you still want him??”. But I also feel that my husband is not himself right now. I know he is not. He has so many emotional problems that stem from his childhood and he is in a very dark place right now. Doing research online really helped me to understand what he’s going through. It’s really confusing for me b/c he acts like she is his moon and stars like he cant live without her, yet he tells me that he cant let go of me either. Etc, etc, it’s bs. I know he is confused and needs major help and today he actually agreed to start seeing a counselor which I’m very happy about. You know that you cant force your husband to get the help he needs, but you can let him know that you support him, and you think it’s a good idea just so that he can get a better understanding of his own feelings and why he may be feeling this way. I really hope you can pull through, you sound like a strong person. Just don’t give up, never lose hope, and keep doing what’s best for YOU.


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## love is messy (Sep 21, 2010)

BTW you should really do some research on what an emotional affair is, why they start, etc. Just google it and you will find tons of stuff, other peoples stories, etc. Here are some helpful website’s too. Affaircare.com. and Marriagebuilders.com


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

I thinks its all been a waste of time. I was told this morning by mutual co-worker that they are having an affair. No proof. Just a hunch now and this persons word. 

What a brutal way to end a relationship. It breaks my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That doesn't define who YOU are. You are better than that. And them. Get mad.


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

I think maybe it's time to switch into 'Earth Mother' mode. I'm not saying you should bottle up your emotions for the sake of the baby, but indeed for the sake of the baby it seems like you need to use bubs as a point of focus and think about the greater good. 

I'm not a parent, but I understand the ability to swing into Earth Mother mode, as I was pregnant once and left the father because he wanted me to have an abortion. After ending the relationship, I poured all my focus into loving our little creation, and although I eventually miscarried, I'll never forget how he/she changed my life. It was amazing to have that ability to focus so fully and so positively on another being like that and it was through that time that I learned my true, solid and grounded ability to love. 

I know your heart is breaking right now, and of course it is your right and need to recognise that, but some perspective is needed too. In the long run, you're building a human being from scratch and that takes so much energy to do. If you're devoting your energy to feeling sad about your (sorry to say it) idiot SOB H, what's left for mama and bub? Please tell me if I'm out of line.


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

No I don't think anyone is out of line here. I am hurting and understand that I need to put my emotions on hold and focus on the baby and the rest of this pregnancy.

I was mad on Friday when I found out about the affair. Yesterday was awful as I was sick almost all day. Still not sure if it was because of my new pills or stress of it all. Who knows for sure probably a combination of both. Today is ... Well I'm not sure what today is for me. Today is my babies daddy birthday and I hate that I'm not with him. Not that I would really want to be after everything that has happened. I guess this would be easier if I didn't actually love him. 

I am sure in the future I will find someone else to truly love me. I just need to get through the rest of the pregnancy at this point.

I am going to talk with a lawyer this week as well. Time to get the ball rolling I suppose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

Update: this morning I pulled into the drive and before I even opened my door a truck pulled in behind me. I knew that my H was supposed to be working so I wasn't quite sure if it was him but it was. He looked like crap almost like he hadn't slept or something. He came to tell me that he went to the doctors to try and see what he can do to help the situation. He also said that he was going to start seeing a counselor same as me. Then he completely blew me out of the water and asked me to go with him to counselling to try to learn how to communicate right now without fighting. I am still so hurt by his actions and behavior that I really couldn't say anything to him I just sat there and listened. It was so strange that he did this. I'm not sure what to do. Do I go to counselling with him knowing that it not for our relationship but for our child or do I continue to heal myself before I even approach joint counselling??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Only you can know if you're up to joint counselling or not. It's a difficult situation to be in. Maybe think about it and actually talk to your own counsellor about it, but whatever you do, do it because you've made an informed choice and it feels right for you, not just for him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would accept his offer, if only for him to learn a lot about what he has done. You don't have to give in to anything. Just attend counseling. See where it goes. Good work!


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

So I decided to commit to attending one session of this “double” counselling to see what exactly he is talking about. I am confused with what he wants from this and hope that this will be cleared up within the first visit. I am still a little uneasy about it, but my counsellor feels that if I think I can handle it it may be worth attending. However she didn’t seem to be that confident in her answer…..I am not sure I am making the right decision but unless I go I will never know. 

Not sure of this relevance but thought it was worth mentioning – I noticed he recently deleted his facebook account and so did the girl I believe he is now seeing. Not sure if it was because it was too awkward having all these photos of his wife on his profile combined with photos of his new girlfriend. Who knows…but it just seems fishy…

As it was his idea I have said that he has to make all the arrangements and I will make myself available for the appointment. So I am going…..wish me luck…..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'll do fine. Just be honest. But not mean.


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