# How do I get over what he's done?



## Cardyjo (May 27, 2014)

My husband and I have been married for 2 years in June. We married the year after my breast cancer,he was so good to me at that time I truly thought he loved me! As a result of my breast cancer my sexual desire was gone.i have been put on a meds that put me in early menopause.
I asked him to please be patient with me and he did well for about 8 months. Then he got drunk and had a one night stand with someone who was calling herself my friend.lol
I did get past that I thought until about 8 months after that, he started staying out all night lying to me and fighting with me. Of course he was having an affair for about 4or5 months. Both these women are drunks and very big girls. He has been honest about what he's done . He says he doesn't know why he did this to me but while having the affair he wanted a divorce,of course he never asked me for a divorce. I still love my husband and don't really believe that men are that loyal. However I can't seem to get over this,it's been about 3 months. We are seeing a marriage counselor she tells me he has major depression but she doesn't seem to be helping me deal with what has happened to us.:banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry for your pain.

It hurts, I know. 

I hope your health is better. 

If your H is not active in helping you heal from the pain, that is not good. He needs to read some things to try to realize that you are in pain and he caused it. 
There are some things here that your H could read about your pain. 

I hope you can get a counselor that will help you both. If this one does not change, you need a new counselor.

Some men are loyal. Not all men are the same, not all of us are cheaters. 

After feeling the pain, how could someone do that to anyone, even if they do not love them anymore. (the cheating, the lying, the deception)

Has your counselor had you and your H doing any reading? I hope so, but with time and a remorseful spouse, things can slowly get better. It does take a long time.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

Ou, I am really sorry for you.
Every man is really different and your can t wait for you.
He still loves you or not? I know cheating is a big deal but you must see that situation from his side too.
Anyway he must wait.


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## Cardyjo (May 27, 2014)

Thank you for your reply Harry brown,my health is better.please fill me in on reading material for my h. I know that not all men are cheaters. Just seems like I can't find one who isn't .


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Easiest way to get over it? Since you don't seem to have kids together: divorce, move on, don't talk to him anymore.

Build a new life without him.


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## Cardyjo (May 27, 2014)

Best wife and time heals: just want to thank you both for your reply's.my h says he still loves me and wants to work it out.and to timeheals I don't believe people are disposable I want this to work. 
I want to get over feeling inadequate .


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

Cardyjo said:


> My husband and I have been married for 2 years in June. We married the year after my breast cancer,he was so good to me at that time I truly thought he loved me! As a result of my breast cancer my sexual desire was gone.i have been put on a meds that put me in early menopause.
> I asked him to please be patient with me and he did well for about 8 months. Then he got drunk and had a one night stand with someone who was calling herself my friend.lol
> I did get past that I thought until about 8 months after that, he started staying out all night lying to me and fighting with me. Of course he was having an affair for about 4or5 months. Both these women are drunks and very big girls. He has been honest about what he's done . He says he doesn't know why he did this to me but while having the affair he wanted a divorce,of course he never asked me for a divorce. *I still love my husband and don't really believe that men are that loyal.* However I can't seem to get over this,it's been about 3 months. We are seeing a marriage counselor she tells me he has major depression but she doesn't seem to be helping me deal with what has happened to us.:banghead::banghead::banghead:


It's really sad to see that your husband's actions have made you feel so inadequate to the point where you believe that no man is loyal.

If you spent more time on this site and in the world, you'd see that there are many loyal men out there.

What has your husband done to regain your trust? 

If your MC fails to address your husband's cheating and only focuses on his depression, I think it's time to find a new one who will hold him accountable for his actions and help you figure out why it happened as well as how to prevent it from happening again.

Also, you should both get into individual counseling. Him for depression and his cheating, and you for your feelings of low self esteem and inadequacy. You have to realize that you having and overcoming breast cancer did not drive your husband to cheat. That was a choice he made on his own. Being drunk is not an excuse to cheat.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Cardyjo said:


> I don't believe people are disposable



it sounds like the person you married does. 

glad your health is better.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

cool12 said:


> it sounds like the person you married does.
> 
> glad your health is better.



Almost verbatim what I was thinking. That and... "Nothing quite says 'I love you and care about you' like ****ing somebody else".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cardyjo said:


> My husband and I have been married for 2 years in June. We married the year after my breast cancer,he was so good to me at that time I truly thought he loved me! As a result of my breast cancer my sexual desire was gone.i have been put on a meds that put me in early menopause.
> I asked him to please be patient with me and he did well for about 8 months. Then he got drunk and had a one night stand with someone who was calling herself my friend.lol
> I did get past that I thought until about 8 months after that, he started staying out all night lying to me and fighting with me. Of course he was having an affair for about 4or5 months. Both these women are drunks and very big girls. He has been honest about what he's done . He says he doesn't know why he did this to me but while having the affair he wanted a divorce,of course he never asked me for a divorce. I still love my husband and don't really believe that men are that loyal. However I can't seem to get over this,it's been about 3 months. We are seeing a marriage counselor she tells me he has major depression but she doesn't seem to be helping me deal with what has happened to us.:banghead::banghead::banghead:


Men are that loyal. Sadly, your husband just isn't.

Sorry you went through your illness without the real support you needed.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

If you were a man, I would tell you to kick this person to the curb. Since you are a woman......I'm going to tell you the exact same thing. There might be issues with the sexual desire, but he could have been honorable and mentioned it or left first. No one should have to deal with infidelity. Two years in and no kids, it will never be easier to cut loose.

You sound like a compassionate and loyal woman. There are men who would give a testicle to have you.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a short book, an easy read. I read it first and highlighted things I particularly wanted my husband to read before I gave it to him. Most wayward spouses don't really "get" what we're going through but this really helps them to get a clue. My husband has been doing a much better job of helping me heal since he read it.

NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass is longer, more in depth. It explains boundaries, the trauma and grief that you are going through, many of the factors that make a person more likely to have an affair, and much more.

Does the counselor have experience in working with couples who are dealing with infidelity? You might want to check the Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists - they have bios and you can look for therapists who indicate they have experience in this area. Unless they've done a lot of this kind of couples work, they may not know how to proceed. She may be good at diagnosing major depression (which is serious, and does need to be treated - most likely with medication - or he isn't going to be able to do the hard work that is going to be required of him), but she may not be good at helping when it comes to infidelity.

Plan on a couple of years of healing - assuming your husband is doing some hard work and is truly remorseful during that time - before you'll start to feel like you're on solid ground. It's a slow climb, but do get the MacDonald book - you may find it will jump-start your healing, as it did mine, because the tips it gives the unfaithful spouse really make a difference. I hope it helps you.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> How do I get over what he's done?


Honestly, and coupled with the fact you have only been married 2 years with no kids, you get over what he has done by getting rid of him and finding a decent man. Or just being single for a while.

Get rid of the source of your pain......the d!ckhead.



> I still love my husband and don't really believe that men are that loyal


Oh lets not go there. I know you say this with the intention of trying to say by staying with him, somehow you are picking the lesser of a billion evils, or something like that.

But there are some of us men out there that don't cheat. And it baffles us that some women have the mindset that they should be in love with such a cheating bastard.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

How do you get over it? You never do you learn to deal with it, with him or without him.

You may think you love him but that is the man you thought you knew not the man he is today.

I am so sorry you are here.

1. File for D, it does not matter if you want to stay married or not. He needs to know what he has done is a deal killer
2. Go see a doctor and get your health checked and for STD's. Do not believe what he tells you about protected sex.
3. See an IC for yourself to help you with the emotional ups and downs you will deal with
4. Expose the A's with family and friends and if those POS woman are married or have BF's expose them as well.

Do not talk with him about these things just do them.

You can figure out latter if you want to stay married or not


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

vellocet said:


> But there are some of us men out there that don't cheat. And it baffles us that some women have the mindset that they should be in love with such a cheating bastard.


When I hear these things and see them in real life, tt makes me wonder if I am even fit for being with a woman as I am truthful, kind, and caring. Guess that is not what women want these days, it is the stereotypical dog they seem to want.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Well I want to clarify for OP. When I said


> And it baffles us that some women have the mindset that they should be in love with such a cheating bastard


, it was NOT to be a slam.

People hurt and don't think rationally, and I believe a lot of times when someone cheats, and repeatedly, that someone wants to hold on to that person and say they love them, but I feel it is for the wrong reasons.

Not saying this is the case for you Cardyjo. So I hope you didn't think I was jamming on you. But I am at the same time wondering what it is you love about such a disrespectful, cheating, lying man that didn't care enough about you to keep his pecker in his pants. You deserve better than him and he doesn't deserve someone decent.


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

My first thoughts in reading your post CardyJo is that your husband failed the mettle test. Married 2 years and you have to deal with a serious illness and this is your husband's idea of giving you all of his strength and support? Feeling sorry for himself, getting drunk, boohooing because he wasn't getting any sex, and then giving himself permission to have more than one ONS because somehow he was entitled - that is such selfish crap. 

Is this really the best that he can do?? The best that you can hope for from him? What if life decides to throw more trying experiences at you both further down the track? I don't know about you CardyJo, but I find his behaviour abhorrent. I'd seriously be considering moving on. You deserve so much better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Squeakr said:


> When I hear these things and see them in real life, tt makes me wonder if I am even fit for being with a woman as I am truthful, kind, and caring. Guess that is not what women want these days, it is the stereotypical dog they seem to want.


That is an insulting statement.

about 20% of men cheat. So about 80% of men don't cheat. That means that 80% of married women don't unwittingly end up with men who cheat...the men you call dogs.

Did your wife cheat? Does that mean that men go to stereotypical cheating slvts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cardyjo said:


> My husband and I have been married for 2 years in June. We married the year after my breast cancer,he was so good to me at that time I truly thought he loved me! As a result of my breast cancer my sexual desire was gone.i have been put on a meds that put me in early menopause.
> I asked him to please be patient with me and he did well for about 8 months. Then he got drunk and had a one night stand with someone who was calling herself my friend.lol
> I did get past that I thought until about 8 months after that, he started staying out all night lying to me and fighting with me. Of course he was having an affair for about 4or5 months. Both these women are drunks and very big girls. He has been honest about what he's done . He says he doesn't know why he did this to me but while having the affair he wanted a divorce,of course he never asked me for a divorce. I still love my husband and don't really believe that men are that loyal. However I can't seem to get over this,it's been about 3 months. We are seeing a marriage counselor she tells me he has major depression but she doesn't seem to be helping me deal with what has happened to us.:banghead::banghead::banghead:


What was the status of your libido and sex life before you found out about this newer affair?

How were other things in your marriage?


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