# Dealbreaker?



## Lydia Hanes (Dec 21, 2021)

So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So I am confused...are you mad because you don’t want him cuming in you nor in the mold? What is it you want ?


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## Lydia Hanes (Dec 21, 2021)

I’m not mad at him for either. I’m upset that he only thinks of himself at a time when I needed support. He’s selfish in that he wouldn’t get a vasectomy but he expects me to take pills I’m not comfortable with so he can cum inside me (which he was fine not doing for 20 years- now all of a sudden it is so important he can’t even tell me that I’m the most important before any of that stuff).


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

what about anal sex and oral sex?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Lydia Hanes said:


> he only thinks of himself at a time when I needed support.


This is a PERSON. All people sometimes think only of themselves. It requires conscious effort and thought for a person to turn his/her feelings into empathy.

Your husband does not recognize the "support" you need. In fact, having read your story, I do see your husband as self-centered about this, however, I don't know what I could do or say for you that would help you.

Why don't you try describing the actions you want from him to him ?



Lydia Hanes said:


> His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.”


Your husband feels controlled. Whether or not this is justified ? I cannot say. Factors other than sex are likely involved. But you can evaluate for yourself.



Lydia Hanes said:


> he will have his needs met one way or another.


Yes. Most people are that way. They tell themselves that things are "needs" instead of "wants", and that justifies their entitlement.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

He sounds like he is childish/selfish and lacks empathy to me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Try hrt patches. You don't need to take oral hrt.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What an ass he is. He wouldn't get a vasectomy but now suddenly where he goes is all important?

What an ass.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lydia Hanes said:


> *So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. *


Well isn't HE quite the prize? Lucky, lucky you.

Do NOT risk your health for this selfish POS because getting off is more important to him than your health and well-being. What a POS. Seriously.

Why the hell are you pandering to this selfish asshole? I don't get it, I honestly don't. He refuses to do a damned THING and has taken zero responsibility toward contraception and here YOU are dancing around like a trained seal desperatly trying to accommodate him.

*



I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool.

Click to expand...

*Oh good - you finally saw the light. 

*



About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch.

Click to expand...

*Jesus. THIS is what you've been reduced to with this assclown. How you don't vomit all over him is a mystery for the ages. It's all about HIM and his nasty genitals.

*



Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?

Click to expand...

*I thought you'd seen the light when you said you don't want to waste another day with that tool...yet here you are, still putting up with this pig. I'll just say good luck to you, and leave it at that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


He does sound like he is acting very selfish, but that is a somewhat normal human behavior. I know I would be pretty bummed out if what I saw as a new sexual freedom coming with my wife only to have it go away. That said, I would also be very concerned about my wife's health and wellbeing. My wife, who is 53, had some issues a couple years ago that caused pain and bleeding that severely hindered our sex life. It also caused other quality of life issues outside of the bedroom for her too. I was there to support and advise her anyway she wanted and I did my best to make it all about her, her comfort and her health. However, I would be lying if I said there wasn't a selfish component to it. This was only a year into us being empty nesters and I was looking forward to that for many reason, but a big one was having my wife all to myself and hoping for a bump up in bedroom fun. Your husband sounds like he is reacting poorly, but at the same time I can understand it.

By the end of your post it sounds like you are fed up with him and pretty much done. Obviously your story is one-sided, but he doesn't sound very compassionate with your situation. Does he fully understand what you are going through? Have you tried to discuss it with him without getting angry? Once things get heated I suspect the conversation takes a bad turn and you get no where. Throughout my wife's ordeal I was present at every appointment and every procedure. It made it more our problem rather than her problem. Any chance of doing that with your husband? And the big question is, do you want to stay with him, are you still in love with him?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Just being devil's advocate here and with all due respect to the OP but....

If a guy came here and posted his wife doesn't let him cum inside her, many would be quick to say "What a crappy sex life" or "what kind of rule is that?" and some would tell the guy to divorce her and find someone that would. Just stating that sometimes the information seems to go to extremes here.

And for full disclosure, my wife doesn't appreciate when I cum inside her either. I personally don't care but what the OP posted is what I go through as the hubby. She gets upset when I do as she says its a mess to clean up. So I don't get to ever finish inside her.

Now I think your husband is wrong for being mad about it as it seems like there could be some alternatives but as I said, much of the advice here sometimes is "divorce and find better" so from the flip side is it OK for us a guys to just have to accept that? I am not sure?


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> He does sound like he is acting very selfish, but that is a somewhat normal human behavior. I know I would be pretty bummed out if what I saw as a new sexual freedom coming with my wife only to have it go away. That said, I would also be very concerned about my wife's health and wellbeing. My wife, who is 53, had some issues a couple years ago that caused pain and bleeding that severely hindered our sex life. It also caused other quality of life issues outside of the bedroom for her too. I was there to support and advise her anyway she wanted and I did my best to make it all about her, her comfort and her health. However, I would be lying if I said there wasn't a selfish component to it. This was only a year into us being empty nesters and I was looking forward to that for many reason, but a big one was having my wife all to myself and hoping for a bump up in bedroom fun. Your husband sounds like he is reacting poorly, but at the same time I can understand it.
> 
> By the end of your post it sounds like you are fed up with him and pretty much done. Obviously your story is one-sided, but he doesn't sound very compassionate with your situation. Does he fully understand what you are going through? Have you tried to discuss it with him without getting angry? Once things get heated I suspect the conversation takes a bad turn and you get no where. Throughout my wife's ordeal I was present at every appointment and every procedure. It made it more our problem rather than her problem. Any chance of doing that with your husband? And the big question is, do you want to stay with him, are you still in love with him?


Stated better than I did Big D.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


is it more of a 'last straw' type of thing than a deal-breaker? 

Deal breakers seem more like when you find something out when dating or early on in the marriage. Not in your 50s and 20 years of marriage. If you really think he might divorce you over this, are there other issues?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


Very sad. After 20 years together and bearing his children to arrive at this juncture. His not getting fixed because of fearing prostate cancer is a contrast to him discounting your fear of HRT causing cancer. I don't recall reading that vasectomy is a cause for prostate, but HRT has been identified by CDC as risk factor for breast cancer. My wife now has DCIS likely because she used HRT for too many years. I had tried to talk her out of it when she started menopause, to no avail.

Anyway, you are dealing with major stressful life changes and your husband is only concerned about himself. The mood aspects of menopause won't help his case at all with you. I would imagine that trying to get the right vaginal chemical balance with estrogen dropping would be a challenge. Some women have so much drying with the estrogen that the pain prevents them from having PIV. He presumably promised "in sickness and in health". 

Would there be any value to taking him with you to the next gyno appointment to hear from the doctor how things will need to be for you to heal properly?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Lydia Hanes said:


> There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion.


I am almost 50 and I’d say in a single sexual performance I probably have better function than I have ever had in my life and my drive is pretty much unchanged from when I was in high school.

My wife is starting to have worse symptoms from perimenopause like her period being late by a week but she feels symptoms that entire time. Obviously this puts her off.

So what does growing old with her mean in this case in a way where I am satisfied?

First off I know she is aware of my drive and what I want. In the case where she feels like it she will try to make that happen. This month due to her working an insane amount and worse than usual perimenopause she has been failing. She knows it, I know it, there’s no point in talking about it. When she does feel it she tries to make it better or more and then I know she has it in her mind.

If she’s not exhausted and her lady parts are not working properly she will sometimes perform oral.

She’ll sometimes even try and jerk me off or use a toy on me; mixed results.

Since you seem to like practical tools, check out Awkward Essentials clean up tools. They can help clean out the mess. My wife hates the mess and also hates them, but some people swear by them. 

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for your husband to want to ejaculate in you however if it’s causing a physical problem that seems like a bit of an issue on his side. I never want to do anything that will put my wife off, so if she says not inside then mess is going somewhere else.

I can’t say what will happen if my wife totally shuts down PIV and I am still in good shape. It will be a problem for me but I can’t say what I would do because it hasn’t happened. I would at least expect her to try to take every medical and mechanical approach available.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

You really should consider HRT. Do your research. There is a small cancer risk, but without it you are going to experience libido loss, bone loss, higher cardiac risk, etc. I have low testosterone and once my wife hit menopause, she wanted to talk to and be treated by my A4M doctor. She studied the cancer risk. There is a really good book called "Estrogen matters" you should check out. Before you close the door on this, you should at least do some major research. 
I don't agree that he should skip the condoms if he has used them all these years. Nor do I agree that he should be using a piece of plastic. You could take care of him orally or with your hand and some lube or maybe even try anal. Some people will think you shouldn't have to, but I gotta tell you that if you don't take care of your guy, there are women who will. I'm not saying that he will cheat, I am saying that if you want to be the best wife, you should consider meeting his sexual needs another way. This is extremely important to most guys. If you were to split up, you might have a hard time replacing him with someone who will use a piece of plastic as a replacement vagina or even use a condom, but he will not have a problem finding someone who will take care of him orally or anally if the vagina is out of order. Not in today's world.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Natural family planning is a great… basically helps you know when you’re ovulating (a few days per month). This news is too late for you obviously but might help someone else.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Now I think your husband is wrong for being mad about it as it seems like there could be some alternatives but as I said, much of the advice here sometimes is "divorce and find better" so from the flip side is it OK for us a guys to just have to accept that? I am not sure?


I think it’s a bit more complicated than that in this case as it’s actually causing her a physical problem that isn’t just a mess or “ewww”.

If having sex with my wife caused skin irritation on my dong, I’d be looking for solutions other than “take one for the team”.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The _Battle of the Sexes_ will never see its end.

I will not take sides here, I know better.

There is never any equal winning.

I wish all the best.





_KB-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

F that. 

For decades it wasn't important to him because he didn't want a vasectomy. POOR POOR BABY.

Now it's SUDDENLY important and she is supposed to go on hrt and he doesn’t care about HER risk?

That's the problem, folks.

He could have been "going in her" for TWO DECADES and he chose not to because he didn't want a vasectomy. 

What a ****ing asshole, truly.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think it’s a bit more complicated than that in this case as it’s actually causing her a physical problem that isn’t just a mess or “ewww”.
> 
> If having sex with my wife caused skin irritation on my dong, I’d be looking for solutions other than “take one for the team”.


Oh I agree. My thought is just that if the guy had posted this, some of the previous replies would have been different.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> F that.
> 
> For decades it wasn't important to him because he didn't want a vasectomy. POOR POOR BABY.
> 
> ...


Fwiw, when we had our fourth, decided that was enough. Wife was going get tubes tied. I told her absolutely not, vasectomy was simpler and lower risk. Afternoon at the doctor’s office and was fixed. Once cleared by testing we were off to the races from then on with no worries. 

I DID have prostate cancer years later, but no doctor ever told me that getting the vasectomy had anything to do with it.

BTW, the OPs husband ought to be thankful she has (had?) any interest in intimacy with him. There are some narriages where menopause zeros the wife’s libido.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hmm. I was under the impression that ejaculating inside a woman was actually healthy for her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ConanHub said:


> Hmm. I was under the impression that ejaculating inside a woman was actually healthy for her?


That is the assumption I've been working under all these years and I really want my wife to be as healthy as possible. It is for her own good


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is the assumption I've been working under all these years and I really want my wife to be as healthy as possible. It is for her own good


It is healthy. There are endorphins and immune benefits. Proven antidepressive properties as well.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> F that.
> 
> For decades it wasn't important to him because he didn't want a vasectomy. POOR POOR BABY.
> 
> ...


Yes, going 'in her' is always best.
No argument from my end of wiggly things.

Can't beat that, yet he tried.
He did, and it was done, in silly cone, at room temperature.

Yet, those cool tempers were not maintained.
Neither party was satisfied, nor happy here.

The battles continue.



_(?)-_


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


OP I'm sorry you find yourself here. Many men actually view sex as the most important part of their marriage. Your husband sounds like that is true for him but in the end he's afraid to admit it because you called his bluff and let him know that you'd be willing to let him go. He doesn't want to argue, he doesn't want to lose you without having a plan in place. He may not realize the resentment he just started with him trying to be selfish and unsupportive.

I'm sure this has been covered but you are using lube right? What kind of lube? Different lubes are for different things and sometimes lube can cause problems as well with the internal balance. I like a brand called lulu.

I don't know how often your husband wants sex but every 7 to 10 days might be frustrating for someone who wants it daily. There are other methods of pleasuring. I don't think it has to be as one sided. He did express he feels like you don't let him do anything. So maybe you can try spicing up the sex life with different things. You can suggest or try things on your own that you feel comfortable with or you can ask him what he might want. Personally I'd start with things you find appealing cause once he expresses his desires then he may also get mad if you don't want to try stuff.

So things that can work for spiciness (which maybe you've tried before).
mutual masturbation
69 or a version of it. Like he could use a vibrator on you and you could use his sex toy on him.
when you do feel up to sex try role playing or dressing sexy
give him access to other body parts like your breasts, he can try coming between them.

The point is being a willing participant will probably make him feel more loved and connected than him just jerking off on his own.

I wrote most of this from the perspective that you too wouldn't want to leave a long term marriage. We women seek comfort from our spouses and he failed in that. But men also seek comfort are you failing? You have a medical condition that means things must change. However, it shouldn't mean they stop. I am not an advocate of stand alone BJ's unless you enjoy them. I think sex should be a two-party party and that both partners should physically enjoy it. I think that can be accomplished even with your condition.

However, if you find your marriage unsatisfying or you mean what you say about leaving. I will say he may have slipped up and told you the truth only to back down later because he realize his little tantrum was going to get him divorced. I think you two can work through this but I also think he is more sexually frustrated than you know and that it is very important to him. You can look around these forums particularly the sex in marriage forums and see many men like Floridaguy referred to that sex is like the only thing they really care about. They claim they love their wives but in the end they make sex the most important thing and look to leave over it.

Lastly, someone mentioned anal and most women shy away from that. I can tell you that done properly anal can be very enjoyable. I'd tell you more if you are interested. Your husband probably has a fantasy about it so you could check a box for him if you decided to try it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


I'm sorry your husband is being so callous about this. I know how delicate and painful your vagina can be post menopause. You can easily have tears and start bleeding and not be able to stop. It happened to me once and I was even on hormone therapy at the time. I got a rip for no good reason just from some pressure from trying to have sex and it bled for a week. My gynecologist told me that those tears happen to a whole lot of older people post menopause, so I really don't know why some men don't see why anything should change except that they don't want to see it. Some men don't take these things seriously. I know you can feel like tissue paper up there. 

I don't know why his ejaculate is particularly irritating to you, but it is and you can ask the doctor if they've ever heard of that. There is a rare condition called semen allergy.

If the doctor thinks it's safe you could get on hormone therapy and it would probably help some of your elasticity and should help rethicken your vaginal walls. What happens post menopause is those walls begin to get thin, and you have to be very careful. You should ask your doctor about prescribing you a vaginal insert called Vagifem, but if you are that sore up in there then even inserting the thin applicator might be painful. It is just estradiol in a cream form and it's safer than hormone pills and goes directly where it's needed. 

Your husband's acting like a spoiled petulant child. How selfish can one person be? Don't start doing things that are painful or that you simply don't want to do to pacify him. It's despicable that he is trying to use this painful condition of yours for leverage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Our OP is likely having issues with an irritated vaginal lining.

A man's semen pH range was (formerly thought) to be 7.2 to 8.0. 
It has been revised up.

It can rise above 8.0 .

This is _alkaline_ and can be irritating to sensitive skin. 
Vaginal dryness, likely adds to this problem and allows the semen to make direct contact with her vaginal membranes.

Yes, (in this case) the husband needs to continue covering his penis with a raincoat, commonly called a condom.
..............................................................................................................

The World Health Organization (WHO) laboratory manual (1992) states the normal values for pH in liquefied semen to be between 7.2 and 8.0. This implies an adjustment compared with the previous version (WHO, 1987) in which the upper limit was 7.8, whereas in the WHO clinical manual (1993) the normal range of values is still stated to be in the range of 7.2-7.8. In this study pH was measured in ejaculates from 207 men in couples undergoing infertility examination. The pH was measured within 30 and 60 min after ejaculation with both pH paper and pH meter. The mean pH values were consistently well above 8.0, regardless of analysis method and time after ejaculation. Since semen analysis is part of clinical assessment of male infertility and includes pH measurement, our findings suggest that the range of normal values needs to be revised further.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP I'm sorry you find yourself here. Many men actually view sex as the most important part of their marriage. Your husband sounds like that is true for him but in the end he's afraid to admit it because you called his bluff and let him know that you'd be willing to let him go. He doesn't want to argue, he doesn't want to lose you without having a plan in place. He may not realize the resentment he just started with him trying to be selfish and unsupportive.
> 
> I'm sure this has been covered but you are using lube right? What kind of lube? Different lubes are for different things and sometimes lube can cause problems as well with the internal balance. I like a brand called lulu.
> 
> ...


Good reply Anastasia.

But to be clear its not the ONLY thing I care about but our marriage has all the other successes just a lacking sex life. Like the very thing I mentioned in my first reply to this thread (not being able to finish inside my wife). That, the frequency and the lack of interest on her part MAY be the same things the OP's husband is facing? 

Every 7-10 days is where we are at and with the other little "rules" and conditions and her lack of interest it does add up to make our sex life pretty frustrating. And this is not about me, just sharing it for as Anastasia mentioned, HE may be frustrated as much as the OP is with the health issues.

Going to take two of them to work through it as if one just gives up, they will be like couples like me in a few years.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Hmm. I was under the impression that ejaculating inside a woman was actually healthy for her?


It is one source of testosterone for her. I don’t want my wife to have low testosterone!

Seriously I am sure regular sex is healthy not sure about the ejaculate part.

I read an article years ago that said women who have their breasts fondled regularly have measurably less breast cancer. I love my wife’s rack and never miss this opportunity to help prevent breast cancer. Much better than a pink ribbon I think.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Good reply Anastasia.
> 
> But to be clear its not the ONLY thing I care about but our marriage has all the other successes just a lacking sex life. Like the very thing I mentioned in my first reply to this thread (not being able to finish inside my wife). That, the frequency and the lack of interest on her part MAY be the same things the OP's husband is facing?
> 
> ...


FloridaGuy I wasn't saying that is YOUR issue in your marriage. I was saying that you brought up the rest of the forum where people might advise her husband to divorce because sex is that important to some men.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> But to be clear its not the ONLY thing I care about but our marriage has all the other successes just a lacking sex life.


When it goes really wrong it can become the only thing you care about, a dealbreaker if you will. It was for me only it wasn’t because of a physical issue.

If it was because of a physical issue it would probably depend on the issue and what the possible remedies are. A small increased cancer risk would not put me off of boner pills as an example. Permanent shutdown I think would be a difficult one to navigate.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> It is one source of testosterone for her. I don’t want my wife to have low testosterone!
> 
> Seriously I am sure regular sex is healthy not sure about the ejaculate part.
> 
> I read an article years ago that said women who have their breasts fondled regularly have measurably less breast cancer. I love my wife’s rack and never miss this opportunity to help prevent breast cancer. Much better than a pink ribbon I think.


Yes but what both of you are ignoring is the OP thinks it is causing an issue not solving one.

I can tell you that my husband giving me oral sometimes gives me a UTI. It doesn't matter that for many women it isn't a problem. What matters is how things effect me. Or effect OP. She is having REAL problems. She is trying to solve those. So if she thinks the ejaculate is causing a problem it is MORE than fair to say let's hold off on the ejaculation until we figure this out. Further he started ejaculating without asking, my biggest fear for a while was getting pregnant at 48. I know it wouldn't be healthy and I know I wouldn't want to abort. You know how you avoid that. You don't get pregnant. While the chances are small the woman should be part of the discussion of her own body.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

More science...

The vagina is naturally acidic, whereas male sperm is naturally alkaline--> (this, is needed to survive in that place of pleasure and procreation).

If, one or both, of the male or female copulaters have pH imbalances, then irritating problems may arise.






What Factors Affect the pH of Semen? (with pictures)


The pH of semen is affected by stress, certain medications, and problems with the seminal vessels. Long-term changes in pH can...




www.thehealthboard.com


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Our OP is likely having issues with an irritated vaginal lining.
> 
> A man's semen pH range was (formerly thought) to be 7.2 to 8.0.
> It has been revised up.
> ...


With drop in estrogen, vaginal pH and balance disrupted. Will take some time for gyno to rectify IF it is even possible! Hubby better change his attitude and behavior or his troubles are just beginning. He may find the plastic GF is all he has going forward. How depressing 😐


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> It is one source of testosterone for her. I don’t want my wife to have low testosterone!
> 
> Seriously I am sure regular sex is healthy not sure about the ejaculate part.
> 
> I read an article years ago that said women who have their breasts fondled regularly have measurably less breast cancer. I love my wife’s rack and never miss this opportunity to help prevent breast cancer. Much better than a pink ribbon I think.


Well if playing with my wife’s rack prevented BC she would have been immune. Been fondling, kissing, paying them attention daily for nearly 6 decades.

A lot of these supposed cancer preventatives are just folklore


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Oh and @Lydia Hanes it does sound like you are frustrated. It is frustrating. But if you are doing more than just venting... If you are fed up with him and his selfishness. If you've looked to the future and decided that you'd rather be alone than with someone like this (and what would happen if you had cancer or something seriously wrong). Then please, please go talk to a lawyer on your own without his knowledge. Just to see or discuss what divorce would look like in your case and what things might impact your future. Be prepared.

Then sit and think about your marriage and ways to improve it overall. Maybe get some of the relationship building books. Have you ever explored love languages? If your husband aware of yours? Are you aware of his? Instead of floundering around for many more years make a conscious choice which you want a divorce or a better marriage and then work toward that goal.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> A lot of these supposed cancer preventatives are just folklore


My favorite one was always the one about sperm and acne. 🤔🤣🤣


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a case where professional counseling/therapy can beneficial. 

With intervention, he can be informed on the actual physiological changes and impacts that occur during menopause and both of you can be informed on what methods and variations and other forms of intimacy can be employed for pleasure and satisfaction for each of you. 

He is being a bit of an ass at the moment but a professional sex therapist may help him better understand and accommodate the changes that occur at this stage in life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> This is a case where professional counseling/therapy can beneficial.
> 
> With intervention, he can be informed on the actual physiological changes and impacts that occur during menopause and both of you can be informed on what methods and variations and other forms of intimacy can be employed for pleasure and satisfaction for each of you.
> 
> He is being a bit of an ass at the moment but a professional sex therapist may help him better understand and accommodate the changes that occur at this stage in life.


And if he doesn’t change his tune or try make reasonable accommodations after professional counseling and therapy - then it is a character issue on his part.


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## Memphi70 (Oct 28, 2013)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


I don’t know either of you but he sounds very insensitive. I know he has his sexual needs but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If he is not concerned about your physical condition and just concerned about cumming inside you he’s a jerk. I’m sorry but that is wrong. Maybe he should talk with a medical professional so they can explain your situation. He sounds like the type that won’t go but just my suggestion. Good luck


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> Well if playing with my wife’s rack prevented BC she would have been immune. Been fondling, kissing, paying them attention daily for nearly 6 decades.
> 
> A lot of these supposed cancer preventatives are just folklore


Shhh!

Keep it a secret!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

It seems easy enough for him to not finish inside you during this time and that is the only short term solution. I think you have a right to be annoyed about that and it needs further discussion. He is being insensitive to your situation, without a doubt.

Being upset about the vasectomy decision from 20 years ago has little to do with this. Him getting one now won't change anything. It seems like if you had a problem with this decision 20 years ago, then it should have been dealt with then. The HRT is something a person can stop taking and isn't permanent so comparing that to a permanent procedure is also apples and oranges.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BEFORE you shut off all sex with him, as some are advising here...consider the thousands of posts on TAM where the wife shuts off the husband and eventually a divorce resulted.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Further he started ejaculating without asking, my biggest fear for a while was getting pregnant at 48. I know it wouldn't be healthy and I know I wouldn't want to abort.


Yeah I am familiar with this line of thinking from my own wife. It turns out sometimes she wants it and other times no, so I take advantage when I can.

With that said my wife has been on birth control our entire marriage and has never gotten pregnant despite thousands? of attempts. So to me it seems irrational but w/e I am just happy to be having sex. If a condition of that is supplemental birth control then that’s fine.

Likewise on physical issues downstairs. I want her to have good associations with sex not bad ones.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> BEFORE you shut off all sex with him, as some are advising here...consider the thousands of posts on TAM where the wife shut off the husband and eventually a divorce resulted.


Unfortunately, menopause may shut it off despite best efforts. It just depends on lot of unknowns. But hubby not doing himself any favors.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Lydia Hanes, I recommend you read The Menopause Manifesto: Own Your Health with Facts and Feminism, by Jennifer Gunter. It's pretty thorough in covering a lot of the physical problems that you have described and offers solutions that you might not be aware of. It also has an entire section on HRT, which you will probably find quite interesting and helpful. I find that going into the doctor, after I have researched a subject can be helpful in finding a solution. Don't give up. I can imagine that you are very frustrated by all of this, but there is hope.

Regarding your husband, yikes! Apparently he has been looking forward to not having to worry about impregnating you, but now finds that he has another problem to concern himself with. I don't know if your husband is normally this selfish and rude to you, but he may just need to learn that menopause can have it's ups and downs. You are currently experiencing the downs. Not all women have the issues you are dealing with and hopefully you can resolve them. It may take a while for him to wrap his head around the fact that there is a physical issue that is preventing you both from having the kind of sex life you want. In other words, it's not all about him.

Have you considered couple's therapy? It could be that he just needs some time to process what is happening and learn to work with you to find solutions that work for both of you.

This website may have some helpful information as well: Menopause Information, About Menopause | The North American Menopause Society, NAMS



re16 said:


> Being upset about the vasectomy decision from 20 years ago has little to do with this. Him getting one now won't change anything. It seems like if you had a problem with this decision 20 years ago, then it should have been dealt with then. The HRT is something a person can stop taking and isn't permanent so comparing that to a permanent procedure is also apples and oranges.


It is hypocritical for him to refuse a vasectomy due to cancer fears, yet he has no concern for his wife's fears of cancer risk of HRT. That is the correlation and it's valid for her to compare the two.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hubby could have been going "in her" for 2 decades but chose not to get a vasectomy so that could happen. 

2 decades. While she was in her 30s and 40s and her vagina was young and problem free.

But he didn't because he didn't want a vasectomy. 

But now.... now 2 decades later it's a problem such that _he has to use a toy_? 

OP do you want to stay married to this person?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> BEFORE you shut off all sex with him, as some are advising here...consider the thousands of posts on TAM where the wife shut off the husband and eventually a divorce resulted.


Where did you see anyone saying cut off all sex?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sounds like you both just look out for yourselves and don’t think about your spouse from my perspective.

not compromising on internal ejaculation and pressuring you to go on possible dangerous meds is ridiculous. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

what Gets me about you is the silicone sex mold. Said that you “let” him have that. Interesting. Why does he need your permission? Does he need your permission for other things?
You also said it gets you mad that he has to do this. Why? You said sex becomes painful, you stop and he finishes off in this mold. Why is that a problem? Then you said what would happen if the mold wasn’t there for him. What are you inferring? Would he cheat on you? The first thing that would come to my mind is he would just masturbate to take care of himself. Lastly, once sex is too painful, do you prefer not doing other things? I completely understand if you don’t. To each their own. It’s just that you are getting mad and you didn’t provide enough detail to say if you two explored more options.

so, from what you’ve shared, it sounds like you both aren’t very empathetic to the other.

regardless of whatever other problems you two are facing (I wonder if there are other things he needs your permission to do), I will agree the your main concern is top priority. I think it is horrible that he is pressuring you to take drugs you aren’t comfortable with. If I were in your position, that would be a deal breaker for me.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52). I’ve been in menopause a little over a year. Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area. The dr has had me on a vaginal pill for a year. Sometimes I have flare ups down there of uncomfortable dryness/burning. My husband knows this. Also he knows that two years after periods stop, he can safely ejaculate inside me. He didn’t ask- he just started doing it. At first I enjoyed it, but the last couple of times I’ve been fine down below and after he does it, it will upset the balance and cause irritation. I have temporarily asked him to stop until we figure this out. In the meantime, for the past week I’ve had a pretty bad flare up and feel bad for him. So I had a talk with him tonight about what I’m going through and how frustrated I am. I can go on oral hrt but there are cancer risks. I was doing well on the local vaginal treatment except for these flare ups. So I try to get support from my husband. He recommends I try oral hrt. He tells me it will be fine. Also he tells me that ejaculating inside me is important to him and I need to fix this. I tell him I’m not sure I will ever be great again and I want to stop the internal ejaculation until I try some things. (Side note- we finished having kids 22 years ago. I asked him to get a vasectomy back then because with our last child, I hemorrhaged and was afraid of having more surgery. He refused stating that he didn’t know if he wanted more kids. A couple years after that, he refused saying vasectomy increases his chance of prostate cancer. No- he is just a big baby who was scared to do it. So we went 20 years using condoms and withdrawal method. So I ask him today- how important? Is this a dealbreaker? He had no reply except it was extremely important and he has waited many years for this. I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him. Then he says of course it isn’t a dealbreaker and he loves me. I ask why even bring up internal ejaculation during our talk? I just wanted support and he somehow makes this about him. This really makes me angry and resentful to him. About a year ago, we got him a silicone sex mold vagina to satisfy his needs when I was having problems below. On nights when we have sex sometimes I can only go 10 min and have to stop due to stinging pain. He then has sex with the doll and ejaculates in it while I watch. It turns me on to watch sometimes. Other times, it makes me mad that he has to do this. I often wonder what happens and what would he do if there wasn’t a sex mold? The thought of this makes me just want to give up on our marriage. There is no growing old together with this guy- he will have his needs met one way or another. Also threatening me while I’m hurting is a low blow in my opinion. Oh- btw I said “I let you have a silicone vagina mold for this purpose- can’t u just do it inside the mold? His reply- “you don’t let me do anything - I do it if I want to.” Thoughts?


Stay away from taking oral HRT. Wife is 54 and uses bio-identical compounded creams and estrodial that disolves under the tongue. She has been on it for 10 yrs and life is awesome! She has no issues with dryness or other issues...AT ALL. The oncologist that put her on HRT said to use bio-identical absorbed through the skin only.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Sounds like you both just look out for yourselves and don’t think about your spouse from my perspective.
> 
> not compromising on internal ejaculation and pressuring you to go on possible dangerous meds is ridiculous. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
> 
> ...


Why are you totally picking on the way she worded it? 

Anyway she could have chosen to not participate in sex with him that ends up him basically ****ing a fake vagina in front of her. I'm sure that's what she meant with the word "let". Not every woman would be into that. Especially since he chose to not have a vasectomy which would have enabled him to have no condom sex with her the past two decades.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Why are you totally picking on the way she worded it?
> 
> Anyway she could have chosen to not participate in sex with him that ends up him basically ****ing a fake vagina in front of her. I'm sure that's what she meant with the word "let". Not every woman would be into that. Especially since he chose to not have a vasectomy which would have enabled him to have no condom sex with her the past two decades.


No argument from me. 

She did say sometimes she liked it. 


I only know the English language. I don't know these people. I can only go on what she wrote here. If she used words that she didn't mean, I get it. I do that too sometimes. 

I thought my questions implied the need for clarification. 


Fair?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> BEFORE you shut off all sex with him, as some are advising here...consider the thousands of posts on TAM where the wife shut off the husband and eventually a divorce resulted.


Better than having painful sex.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lydia Hanes said:


> So I been married 20 years (both of us 52).
> 
> Our sex life has slowed down to once or twice every 7-10 days due to discomfort in my lady parts area.
> 
> ...


Bunches of thoughts. You really escalated that argument based on what you posted.. If you are serious and believe everything you wrote then for your husband's sake you should divorce him. Don't get me wrong it sounds like he wasn't supportive to you, but you really upped the ante. 

If the two of you have any hope at reconciliation, I strongly suggest that you get an appointment with a really good sex therapist. Sex Therapists are marriage counselors with significant extra training in how to help people with sexual problems. Your post sounds like as a couple you could really use the help of a great sex therapist and a very good gynecologist. 

whatever you and your H decide, I wish the two of you luck. I was in a long term marriage of about 38 years when it became a sex starved marriage because my wife refused to have sex with me. With the help of marriage counselors and a sex therapist we worked out our problems. We have been married over 50 years now. Again, good luck to the two of you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

OP, you have communicated your problems to your husband very well and he still doesn't show any empathy for you and what you are going through. He is only worried about coming inside you. Not great, is it? I could understand being upset at 25, but at 52? A bit pathetic, really.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Bunches of thoughts. You really escalated that argument based on what you posted.. If you are serious and believe everything you wrote then for your husband's sake you should divorce him. Don't get me wrong it sounds like he wasn't supportive to you, but you really upped the ante.
> 
> If the two of you have any hope at reconciliation, I strongly suggest that you get an appointment with a really good sex therapist. Sex Therapists are marriage counselors with significant extra training in how to help people with sexual problems. Your post sounds like as a couple you could really use the help of a great sex therapist and a very good gynecologist.
> 
> whatever you and your H decide, I wish the two of you luck. I was in a long term marriage of about 38 years when it became a sex starved marriage because my wife refused to have sex with me. With the help of marriage counselors and a sex therapist we worked out our problems. We have been married over 50 years now. Again, good luck to the two of you.


How on earth did she up the ante?

He's the one not partnering effectively about the issue.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> How on earth did she up the ante?
> 
> He's the one not partnering effectively about the issue.


She can only control herself. And she is dealing with a "man" behaving like a spoiled child. It sounds like she is at end of her rope, and wants to head for the exit. Maybe at 52 she will be happy taking that path. But it is an unknown one, with potholes of it's own.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

This is a tough situation. I can sense your frustration jumping off the page through your words. It really does seem like you’re trying to meet the intimacy needs of your marriage but your husband is being really pig headed in his insistence in cuming in you. As a man, I totally understand his desire for that. Pulling out of my wife and cuming on her breast or but is exciting a few times but it pales to finishing in her. I miss the feeling of closeness that finishing in her brings. 

But if it meant causing her pain, I would sacrifice that without needing to use some doll. That he is even using that is disturbing. I’m sure it may have been a visual turn for you a few times but how loved is he making you feel? he’s using that doll as cum dumpster. Is that what he thinks of you? There has to be a happy medium. It would be a shame for a marriage of 20 years to end like this.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Livvie said:


> *How on earth did she up the ante?*
> 
> He's the one not partnering effectively about the issue.


 From her own post she indicated:



> *I told him if he’s willing to throw our marriage away I need to know right now because I don’t want to waste another day of my life with this tool. * Still no answer. Then- I get really angry. *I tell him I’m not sure I want to be with him.*


So from my perspective if you are fighting with a spouse and you tell them they are throwing away the marriage and that they immediately need to change their perspective and then you tell them that you are not sure you want to be with them, it kind of escalates the argument to a very high point. She decided to raise the stakes, i.e. to take the argument from one of sexual frequency of method to one of divorce. That sure looks like raising the ante to me.

She is certainly within her rights to tell her spouse she wants to end the marriage at any time in the marriage. However, once the gauntlet is thrown down, the damage to the marriage may be irreparable. Her post states quite clearly that there were arguing about her pain and need for sexual space. It also states that rather than working toward a negotiate compromise she was the one to threatened to end the marriage. There were no statements about "I really need this can you go with me to the doctor so he can explain this to you" or "lets get marriage counseling to see if we can work something out." Just anger and........ I need to know right now if you will change or throw our marriage away and I'm not sure I want to be with him.

Her post also indicates her H was expressing his feelings and needs. She went from an argument discussing those things to a confrontation about ending the marriage. If she correctly stated his points he showed a huge lack of sensitivity and reasonableness. However, what she posted really sounded like she escalated that to a "you will do what I need or this marriage is over." Again, that is her choice, but seem like a huge escalation.

If may be the right move or the wrong move, but she could have worked toward a negotiated agreement to find compromise. And that is my point.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> From her own post she indicated:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hormone swings from change of life can end a marriage. My best friends wife went from loving wife to hating his guts and being first class man hater in about three months when she hit menopause. Only reason they avoided divorce is he gives her a wide birth, sleeps in guest bedroom. Sex ended about nine months ago. 

So OP right on edge 24x7. They both likely be better off dividing the pile and going their own way. Doesnt seem there was much to “throw away” from either of their perspectives


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rus47 said:


> Hormone swings from change of life *can end a marriage*. My best friends wife went from loving wife to hating his guts and being first class man hater in about three months when she hit menopause. * Only reason they avoided divorce is he gives her a wide birth, sleeps in guest bedroom. Sex ended about nine months ago.*
> 
> So OP right on edge 24x7. They both likely be better off dividing the pile and going their own way. Doesnt seem there was much to “throw away” from either of their perspectives


Yes, that happens. In your example, the marriage has ended, even if they haven't yet divorced. Thanks.

I am now speaking to the OP. In this example, rather than just having both parties check out of the marriage, it would be far better to calm down and discuss what is happening. If they can't do that then sitting down with a Marriage Counselor to act as a referee and keep them focused on trying to find a solution to their problem would be a much better approach.

Again, the concept of a long term married couple just escalating their arguments with each other until the marriage is blown up, just seems silly. But that is my opinion having come close to ending a 38 year marriage, before I decided to try to resolve things, heal myself and then either be in a loving sexual relationship with my wife or should she not be able to give me the loving sexual relationship I needed divorce her and find someone else. My wife and I worked on reconciling and have now been married over 50 years. 

MW Davis in her books discusses a kind of dance that some married couples get into where they get into a negative feedback loop that makes things worse and worse and worse. If there is any hope at reconciliation, one partner has to be the adult in the room, and calmly try to negotiate so that both can understand the others feelings, emotions and needs.


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## mac1012 (Dec 1, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> So I am confused...are you mad because you don’t want him cuming in you nor in the mold? What is it you want ?


Bless you , neither of those is the real issue of what she wants , I suggest reading the post again to find out


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> From her own post she indicated:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yeah you skipped the part where the husband totally ignores her valid medical concerns, ejaculates inside without permission and tells her she got to fix it: even though he refuses to fix it on his end. Then when asked if it’s a dealbreaker has no answer.

so hubby escalated it and got OP thinking.

I agree that it would be a shame to split up a long term marriage over sex or in this case ejaculation. But this is more than sex.
It would be good if they both could communicate and compromise but saying you can take cancer risk pills but I can’t have a vasectomy to ejaculate inside is very one sided.

which the increased risk of cancer from a vasectomy is not proven the are many studies that show one and more that show none. They think the studies that show one it is only do to screening that wouldn’t Normally be done hence finding cancers that wouldn’t normally be found. But HRT has about a 75% increased risk.


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## graciegracie (11 mo ago)

I don’t think I can read any more threads in sex section. _vomit_ 

The general consensus seems to be that women are just cum buckets for men, and if her vagina is no good, she should be expected to take a load in her mouth or up the ass. Listen to yourselves guys! Put the shoe on the other foot. 

Newsflash. Many stages of a woman’s life make sex painful for her and THAT IS NOT HER FAULT! Some women can’t have vaginal sex at all after childbirth or menopause. They are permanently injured. 

How about offering some support for hormonal changes of your wives? 
And if you want a sex life still, make it all about foreplay, mutual oral sex, outercourse and activities that are acceptable to both. A man’s orgasm should never be at the expense of a woman’s comfort.

If men got penetrated up the ass, no lube, every time they wanted sex, they might start to understand the vulnerability of being the person being penetrated. Not orgasming during sex is the least of many women’s concerns. For so many women, bad sex is so painful, debilitating and humiliating. With an understanding partner, it *does not* have to be this way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

graciegracie said:


> I don’t think I can read any more threads in sex section. _vomit_
> The general consensus seems to be that women are just cum buckets for men, and if her vagina is no good, she should be expected to take a load in her mouth or up the ass


Welcome to the wonderful world of TAM!


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Can you compromise with blowjobs or anal sex? I'm guessing he'd like that more than a sex doll.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I think it goes both ways. If a man's penis is broken I'm sure his wife would still like tongue, fingers, or toys from him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

graciegracie said:


> The general consensus seems to be that women are just cum buckets for men, and if her vagina is no good, she should be expected to take a load in her mouth or up the ass. Listen to yourselves guys! Put the shoe on the other foot.


I must be reading different threads, don't see anything like a "general consensus" about *anything* like what you describe. For sure there are *some* what I would call "battle of the sexes" from both genders who have been ( or feel they have been ) badly treated by the other gender. Those few rarely if ever have any thing good to say about the opposite gender. And, the people starting threads in this forum are usually having problems of one sort or another that have been going on sometimes for years. Neither gender has any monopoly on being badly treated. It is what humans do to one another a lot.

In this particular, the female OP is faced with an unreasonable, unloving, badly behaving male spouse. There are plenty of threads where the shoe is on the other foot. Men having problems performing, while their wives complaining cuz he ain't getting it up on her command. One thread on here the wife was upset because he was using viagra while with her.


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## graciegracie (11 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> I must be reading different threads, don't see anything like a "general consensus" about *anything* like what you describe. For sure there are *some* what I would call "battle of the sexes" from both genders who have been ( or feel they have been ) badly treated by the other gender. Those few rarely if ever have any thing good to say about the opposite gender. And, the people starting threads in this forum are usually having problems of one sort or another that have been going on sometimes for years. Neither gender has any monopoly on being badly treated. It is what humans do to one another a lot.
> 
> In this particular, the female OP is faced with an unreasonable, unloving, badly behaving male spouse. There are plenty of threads where the shoe is on the other foot. Men having problems performing, while their wives complaining cuz he ain't getting it up on her command. One thread on here the wife was upset because he was using viagra while with her.


Sorry but most suggestions I read here involve women having to submit to men’s desires, regardless of what the woman wants. If/when my vagina breaks, whilst I’d still want to give my husband pleasure in other ways, but if it was forced on me though, I’d be out the door. 

Mutual pleasure should be the goal, no?. If a woman is not enjoying or in pain….why would you want to do that to someone you love, just so you can get your kicks?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

thunderchad said:


> Can you compromise with blowjobs or anal sex? I'm guessing he'd like that more than a sex doll.


Wtf.

No. He should have gotten a vasectomy decades ago when she wanted him to and they could have had THOUSANDS of wonderful sex experiences during that time. 

Now she's gotta do anal and blow jobs?

Pfft no.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

The OP's 'husband' doesn't sound like much of a spouse to me. Let's just put the non-vasectomy and everything else in the past aside. His wife has medical problems. Anyone who loves his spouse is going to see she has the best medical care, do all that he can to prevent her from being in pain, and to insure she heals as well as possible. The vow is "in sickness and in health". It isn't "unitl you get old and/or sick". 

IMO the root problem here is the OP and spouse don't have a loving, caring, empathetic marriage. He is all about what HE wants, no matter what. Like a child who throws a fit in the toy store because mom wouldn't buy him the toy he wanted.

Add in the OP experiencing hormone swings that enhance the mood swings doesn't help anything. When my wife first entered 'the change' it took very little to set her off. In her case, she recognized it and would come to me 30 minutes later crying and apologizing. It was a roller coaster.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I dont see how a vasectomy would fix this issue.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

thunderchad said:


> I dont see how a vasectomy would fix this issue.


It wouldn't. Did you _read the thread?_

Sounds like you didn't.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> No. He should have gotten a vasectomy decades ago when she wanted him to and they could have had THOUSANDS of wonderful sex experiences during that time.


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