# Wife wants divorce



## CR9008 (Apr 16, 2016)

Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce. She has since packed up most of her clothes and went to move in with her parents. She says it is because I am mean to her and we fuss about things too much. I realize that I do have issues and get upset too often and am trying to work on myself but she says that nothing I could change would make her feel any different because she just doesn't want to be with me anymore. I do not want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything and we also have a 2 yr old son that I do not want to see in a broken home. Is there anything I can do to make her want to work things out with me for the sake of me and our family or am I just fighting a losing battle?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First of all you need to check your phone bill to make sure you know what you're dealing with.

Go online look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

Rule this out first.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

As @Marc878 suggests, you need to know if she is cheating on you, which I would say is very probable. You got the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech in slightly different words, and that almost always means that there is someone else.
Follow the advice in http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html and find out what is going on.


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## CR9008 (Apr 16, 2016)

I can't access her phone bill. We aren't on a shared plan. I'm not positive but I don't feel like she is seeing someone else or planning to


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Almost no one who ends up here wants to believe that, but almost all of them are wrong.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CR9008 said:


> I can't access her phone bill. We aren't on a shared plan. I'm not positive but I don't feel like she is seeing someone else or planning to


It's unusual for this to happen all of a sudden. It may not be the case but a good % of the time it is.

If that is the case there is nothing you can do to fix anything else. 

The problem right now is you don't know.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The worst thing you could do in this situation is beg, plead or cry in front of her.

If you're needy and act weak at this time you will push her further away.

Maybe go dark got the weekend and give it a few days. In the meantime if it were me I'd start digging. PC, Facebook anything you can try and see what's up besides what shes told you.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

There is another man. For sure.

ILYBINILWY always (99.9%) means someone else has entered the picture. No one says that unless they've met someone else who they deem a better replacement for you.

So no, there's really not much you can do. PLEASE don't play the "pick me" game...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

CR9008 said:


> Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce. She has since packed up most of her clothes and went to move in with her parents. She says it is because I am mean to her and we fuss about things too much. I realize that I do have issues and get upset too often and am trying to work on myself but she says that nothing I could change would make her feel any different because she just doesn't want to be with me anymore. I do not want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything and we also have a 2 yr old son that I do not want to see in a broken home. Is there anything I can do to make her want to work things out with me for the sake of me and our family or am I just fighting a losing battle?


No, there isn't anything you can do but file for divorce and move on. Whatever the true reason, once this happens, it only gets worse. The worst possible thing you can do, as you've been told, is beg and plead and cry. This will drive her farther away worse than a punch in the face.
All you can do is the hardest thing to do--- put it behind you and move on. Accept that she is gone. Find another.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Focus on doing what can be done today and complete them. What you can't make plans for and discuss here. So to start ask her about custody. Ask her for a couple of nights a week or week-ends. Ask her how much she needs for child support. Note I did not say agree, rather it is an attempt to work in a reasonable fashion with her. When asking how much she might need for child support say to her calmly and gently it is important that if divorce go though and you meet a new woman she will never be the child's mother. Rather she can be a mentor, a favorite aunt, or a favorite teacher and will respect boundaries you and your current wife set. Then ask her if she will do the same. If she hedges respond calmly but be firm you think it would be best for both of you 

Most of the posters who suggest another man are usually right, and until you have a clear target focus on the details of the divorce.

Be well.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

The only way she could possibly want to leave a mean and angry man is if she is having an affair? I don't know why practically everyone dumped on her like that. It's ridiculous. I know most put up with that crap and come here complaining about how badly her husband treats her instead of having sense enough to leave his sorry arse, but that is no reason to automatically blame her and make it seem like SHE is the one in the wrong. Just maybe your EXwife does have good sense. 

I hope she is having an affair. I hope she found someone who treats her like you should have treated her in the first place.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> The only way she could possibly want to leave a mean and angry man is if she is having an affair? I don't know why practically everyone dumped on her like that. It's ridiculous. I know most put up with that crap and come here complaining about how badly her husband treats her instead of having sense enough to leave his sorry arse, but that is no reason to automatically blame her and make it seem like SHE is the one in the wrong. Just maybe your EXwife does have good sense.
> 
> I hope she is having an affair. I hope she found someone who treats her like you should have treated her in the first place.


Yep, that's always it. It's pretty much thrown out in every case no matter what kind of jerk hubby admits to being. .... women don't leave without another man. 

Throw it out in every case and it's bound to be true sometimes. 

He's offered nothing to suggest another man and even admits to "issues".

But it's much easier to tag every wife who leaves a cheating wh0re. 

If he offers actual evidence of another man I'll go with it. 

It would be helpful if OP could provide more details as to what being mean to her means. 

He claims it's out of nowhere but that could because be got used to her taking his nasty crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CarlaRose said:


> The only way she could possibly want to leave a mean and angry man is if she is having an affair? I don't know why practically everyone dumped on her like that. It's ridiculous.


Because we're not naive.



> I know most put up with that crap and come here complaining about how badly her husband treats her instead of having sense enough to leave his sorry arse, but that is no reason to automatically blame her and make it seem like SHE is the one in the wrong. Just maybe your EXwife does have good sense.
> 
> I hope she is having an affair. I hope she found someone who treats her like you should have treated her in the first place.


Probably cheater script at least for the most part. Again were just not that naive.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

CR9008 said:


> Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce. She has since packed up most of her clothes and went to move in with her parents. *She says it is because I am mean to her and we fuss about things too much. I realize that I do have issues and get upset too often and am trying to work on myself but she says that nothing I could change would make her feel any different because she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.* I do not want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything and we also have a 2 yr old son that I do not want to see in a broken home. Is there anything I can do to make her want to work things out with me for the sake of me and our family or am I just fighting a losing battle?


Not enough information to make an informed comment. No one here can offer you advice on how to fix a problem that is as vaguely described as you did in your OP. 

Could you explain what exactly you two "fuss about", and what you meant by your "issues and getting upset too often"?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

It has nothing to do with being naive. You jumped to conclusions and an entirely different hemisphere just like what happened in this thread. The man's wife complained that he is mean to her and he fusses too much. Instead of addressing THAT, she got dumped on about an affair. No woman should put up with that kind of crap, so why didn't you address HIM and HIS behavior that HE admitted she is RIGHT about?

So what if she IS having an affair. It's what he deserved because SHE deserved someone who treats her well. If she is having an affair, then obviously her affair partner is good to her like her HUSBAND should have been.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Because we're not naive.
> 
> 
> 
> Probably cheater script at least for the most part. Again were just not that naive.


Because no husband actually treats his wife like crap?

It's always cheaters making things up? 

Ok then. 

Maybe that's part of the reason so many are divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> There is another man. For sure.
> 
> ILYBINILWY always (99.9%) means someone else has entered the picture. No one says that unless they've met someone else who they deem a better replacement for you.
> 
> ...


I did not see where she said ILYBNILWY, I saw where she said he's mean her and he admits he has issues. 

Have I missed something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I did not see where she said ILYBNILWY, I saw where she said he's mean her and he admits he has issues.
> 
> Have I missed something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ugh, yeah I think you did.

*Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce. *

How many times do you read and see this on here and BAM!!!! All of a sudden up pops OM????

Maybe not 100% but I'd bet over 90%.

You're a bad spouse, you're a bad parent, you're mean. No marriage is perfect, no spouse is perfect and this is used most of the time for justification.

If you're on this forum or any forum and see this what's the first thing anyone with any common sense would check first before spending a couple years in IC or trying to change their life and character because of an accusation?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> There is another man. For sure.
> 
> ILYBINILWY always (99.9%) means someone else has entered the picture. No one says that unless they've met someone else who they deem a better replacement for you.
> 
> ...


Looks like a version of the famous ILYBINILWY speech to me.

*Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce.*


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Welcome to the two pervasive mantras on TAM.

If your wife leaves she must be cheating, which isn't always true in life
If your wife accuses you of being angry you are an abusive man and you'll be asked what did you do wrong, which isn't always true.


You gave us nothing so, I have no clue. You need to fill in the blanks because the mantra bearers will fill them in with their own issues.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Ugh, yeah I think you did.
> 
> *Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce. *
> 
> ...



Right, I did see that, I just don't interpret it the same way. 

ILYBINILWY implies some level of affection that is devoid of romantic love. 

In that case I think another person is more likely. 

Wife telling him she doesn't love him and wants a divorce implies no affection at all and is appropriate for a spouse that hasn't been treated well.

How do you allow for the possibility that it could be sh!tty treatment? From where i sit that's not given any consideration at all even when spouse admits it. 

So is your argument that 90% of spouses who want a divorce are cheating, ever if no evidence has been offered beyond the fact that they want a divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Welcome to the two pervasive mantras on TAM.
> 
> If your wife leaves she must be cheating, which isn't always true in life
> If your wife accuses you of being angry you are an abusive man and you'll be asked what did you do wrong, which isn't always true.
> ...


Not treating your spouse well doesn't necessarily mean abuse, it may just mean you haven't treated your spouse well.

In this case he offered nothing to suggest cheating, but he did say she thought he was mean snd admitted he has issues. 

Until he fills in blanks, as you say, we have to assume that's it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think the reason that posters are bringing up the possibility of her cheating is that there is no way the OP can even begin to repair his marriage IF his wife is in an affair. 

Yes, he needs to work on himself and own his part of the breakdown of the marriage. But he should also be sure that he's not going to strive for a false R. Better to just end things as amicably as possible in that case.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Right, I did see that, I just don't interpret it the same way.
> 
> ILYBINILWY implies some level of affection that is devoid of romantic love.
> 
> ...


Nope, if you Reread I said @ 90% of those who come *here* in that situation it ends up being an OM Or OW in the mix. I just recently over the last few months read all the larger threads on CWI. Amazing how many times this has happened. Don't take my word for it. Read up.

Most of them start out you're a bad husband, wife etc which may be true or partially true. the first thing anyone does in these situations is takes what's said for the truth which again isn't necessarily the case. However, most will swallow whatever's given to them because it sounds logical and they can't or don't want to believe the unbelievable. Ignorance is bliss until it isn't.

Go to any forum and you'll see the same exact senario. Plus I've seen it in real life as well. 

The main point is this. The first step should always be to define what the problem is or isn't. Do you believe everything everyone tells you? So why not do a quick 30 minute check of the phone bill before charging off in maybe what's the wrong direction. 

I deal with this misdirection in business frequently.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Satya said:


> I think the reason that posters are bringing up the possibility of her cheating is that there is no way the OP can even begin to repair his marriage IF his wife is in an affair.
> 
> Yes, he needs to work on himself and own his part of the breakdown of the marriage. But he should also be sure that he's not going to strive for a false R. Better to just end things as amicably as possible in that case.


Perfectly stated. It's just that simple.


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Welcome to the two pervasive mantras on TAM.
> 
> If your wife leaves she must be cheating, which isn't always true in life
> If your wife accuses you of being angry you are an abusive man and you'll be asked what did you do wrong, which isn't always true.
> ...


Yes, and that's a horse of the exact same color. No one accused the man of being abusive, so you need to stop accusing people of projecting their own lives, while you are not only projecting but also twisting peoples' words and meaning to serve your own purpose and agenda.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I did not see where she said ILYBNILWY, I saw where she said he's mean her and he admits he has issues.
> 
> Have I missed something?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


NO, NADA thing.

Reading his introduction post, she said he was mean to her.

That carries weight, this early in the posting.. the serial rat-ta-tat at TAM.

The weight of the evidence IS in your favor and supports your contention that he was dumped for being a clunker better-half.

But wait.....the husband may spoon out some palliative medicine to counter the meanness of himself. If he does, he may rise in rank to Betrayed Spouse. 

The meanness stain may be real or may be a tattoo that she painted on him in his sleep. He may be illuminated by the Gaslights that the wife left on when she flew the coop.

Justification for infidelity or abandonment requires a marriage rewrite. No pen in sight...yet. He does look guilty. He also wants to R. That is a good sign and is a Green Flag.

Yes, a green flag...I am going to claim that exposition. Mine, mine!

Yep, not yet. Not until our poster gives us the whole story and puts his detective cap on.

The abandoned husband needs to do his "think-in" about the whys and the wherefores. He needs to relay the "way-force" to us Avatars.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Nope, if you Reread I said @ 90% of those who come *here* in that situation it ends up being an OM Or OW in the mix.
> .


Yes, and about half those are trolls.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> Yes, and that's a horse of the exact same color.


 I know, it's why I posted my comment.



> No one accused the man of being abusive, so you need to stop accusing people of projecting their own lives, while you are not only projecting but also twisting peoples' words and meaning to serve your own purpose and agenda.


 You know, because he said he was mean and now he deserves an affair.



> The only way she could possibly want to leave a mean and angry man is if she is having an affair? I don't know why practically everyone dumped on her like that. It's ridiculous. I know most put up with that crap and come here complaining about how badly her husband treats her instead of having sense enough to leave his sorry arse, but that is no reason to automatically blame her and make it seem like SHE is the one in the wrong. Just maybe your EXwife does have good sense.
> *
> I hope she is having an affair. I hope she found someone who treats her like you should have treated her in the first place.*


Yeah, Irony. I'm not just talking about the escalation of his words, hence my use of the word "abuse," but the irony in some AUTOMATICALLY thinking she's cheating, while others AUTOMATICALLY assume he is a jerk and deserves to be cheated on. You know just like men come here, say they are mean, get dumped on in the same fashion and we find out it was normal life. Just like some women can't stand their husband, get dumped on and we find out he is a cad.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CarlaRose said:


> It has nothing to do with being naive. You jumped to conclusions and an entirely different hemisphere just like what happened in this thread. The man's wife complained that he is mean to her and he fusses too much. Instead of addressing THAT, she got dumped on about an affair. No woman should put up with that kind of crap, so why didn't you address HIM and HIS behavior that HE admitted she is RIGHT about?
> 
> So what if she IS having an affair. It's what he deserved because SHE deserved someone who treats her well. If she is having an affair, then obviously her affair partner is good to her like her HUSBAND should have been.


My original post

*First of all you need to check your phone bill to make sure you know what you're dealing with.

Go online look for a lot of calls/texts to a specific number.

Rule this out first.*

So In your mind if you have problems/issues in a marriage it's ok to go out and have an affair?

Yep, Seems pretty naive to me


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Yes, and about half those are trolls.


Right? If I was a troll and wanted to have a good time I'd make something up about how out of nowhere my wife hit me up for a divorce. Then when people start to argue over whether she's cheating I'd come back with teaser details about how she locks her phone and there's this guy.....

Then it would move into how I confronted her and she cried and said it was just a kiss, only to find out she'd fvcked him in the marital bed. 

Then I'd go crazy and burn the bed while everyone cheered.

Oh wait, someone already did that one. 

I'd make sure to post as a guy, because cheating wives are of much more interest to TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Nope, if you Reread I said @ 90% of those who come *here* in that situation it ends up being an OM Or OW in the mix. I just recently over the last few months read all the larger threads on CWI. Amazing how many times this has happened. Don't take my word for it. Read up.
> 
> Most of them start out you're a bad husband, wife etc which may be true or partially true. the first thing anyone does in these situations is takes what's said for the truth which again isn't necessarily the case. However, most will swallow whatever's given to them because it sounds logical and they can't or don't want to believe the unbelievable. Ignorance is bliss until it isn't.
> 
> ...


I think doing some checking is ok because ultimately he does need to know what he's dealing with. 

It would just be nice if the advice was balanced. ....as in go ahead and check but why are you treating your wife poorly and can you give examples of what your wife considers poor treatment? 

Yet many comments imply that there really is no such thing as a poor spouse because all complaints are cheater lies. 

Except sometimes they're not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think doing some checking is ok because ultimately he does need to know what he's dealing with.
> 
> It would just be nice if the advice was balanced. ....as in go ahead and check but why are you treating your wife poorly and can you give examples of what your wife considers poor treatment?
> 
> ...


I get it. A phone check takes 30 minutes tops. It quick easy and you can eliminate it. 

A lot of my job is problem solving which involves dealing with different people, different departments, etc. this is the thing I see a lot. Human nature is if something goes wrong it's someone else's fault. So when I hear a complaint maybe it is and maybe it isn't. It's like a broken record. How many times have you seen blameshifting?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CarlaRose said:


> The only way she could possibly want to leave a mean and angry man is if she is having an affair? I don't know why practically everyone dumped on her like that. It's ridiculous. I know most put up with that crap and come here complaining about how badly her husband treats her instead of having sense enough to leave his sorry arse, but that is no reason to automatically blame her and make it seem like SHE is the one in the wrong. Just maybe your EXwife does have good sense.
> 
> I hope she is having an affair. I hope she found someone who treats her like you should have treated her in the first place.



Behold Avatars, the other side of the Janus head. 

She, who gives the Wayward, shoes, credence and assurance. Her given name be Janice, polar-head opposite to Justice. His head is now to the rear and out of play.

@CarlaRose eaten thee the bitter fruit?. Has it blinded thee to opposite facet Justice who is bound not to gender, but to his namesake. His aim is his namesake and nothing more.

Get divorced, do not cheat !


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> I think doing some checking is ok because ultimately he does need to know what he's dealing with.
> 
> It would just be nice if the advice was balanced. ....as in go ahead and check but why are you treating your wife poorly and can you give examples of what your wife considers poor treatment?
> 
> ...


You flip-flopped @lifeistooshort from post to post to flip-em-off to empty the evidence drawer. 

If you stand on all sides of an issue you are qualified to run for office.

And you go from "I am too short-lived in life" to a Towering Intellect and debate-her and/or debate-him. 

Rat-a-tat-tat. I do like your style.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> You flip-flopped @lifeistooshort from post to post to flip-em-off to empty the evidence drawer.
> 
> If you stand on all sides of an issue you are qualified to run for office.
> 
> ...


Disagree. I consider other viewpoints, but when I feel strongly I put up quite a fight. 

Ask anyone here who's sparred with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> I get it. A phone check takes 30 minutes tops. It quick easy and you can eliminate it.
> 
> A lot of my job is problem solving which involves dealing with different people, different departments, etc. this is the thing I see a lot. Human nature is if something goes wrong it's someone else's fault. So when I hear a complaint maybe it is and maybe it isn't. It's like a broken record. How many times have you seen blameshifting?


Blameshifting is somewhat subjective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> You flip-flopped @lifeistooshort from post to post to flip-em-off to empty the evidence drawer.
> 
> If you stand on all sides of an issue you are qualified to run for office.
> 
> ...


It would certainly be nice if you spoke English once in a while.

The OP needs to provide more details before anyone can jump on the cheating bandwagon.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Behold Avatars, the other side of the Janus head.
> 
> She, who gives the Wayward, shoes, credence and assurance. Her given name be Janice, polar-head opposite to Justice. His head is now to the rear and out of play.
> 
> ...




Huh?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

soccermom2three said:


> Huh?


 @CarlaRose quote:
I hope she is having an affair. I hope she found someone who treats her like you should have treated her in the first place.
______________________________________________________
Read post #11

Carla feels that if a man is a jerk than it is OK to cheat on him .

I do not accept this premise. My Janus two-face reference basically said that this is not right. Justice is blind. Each gender should be given equal justice.

If @CarlaRose were a jerk would it be Ok for her SO to cheat on her?

Of course not. 

To think that only a women can be abused and therefore she is deserving of a revenge affair is hypocritical.

I used the two-faced reference to make my point.

Again........Divorce, don't cheat!

My posts have no flavor for those Avatars whose palates have spice-free fast-food skimming preferences.

Huh-Dittos !


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> It would certainly be nice if you spoke English once in a while.
> 
> The OP needs to provide more details before anyone can jump on the cheating bandwagon.


I get your point. 

Sometimes it appears that I get carried away.

I do, about once a month the men in the white suits come carry me away...back to POSOW....Nurse Ratchit. 

Chief, the big Indian is running out of sinks to throw through the barred-over windows, so I can escape. 

I believe I asked the OP for more information earlier in this post. This is intermission time and I am popping buttered prose on the barbe.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ha-ha! Read your first 2 sentences and thought 'yes'! Oh, well.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

CR9008 said:


> Last week, my wife of 1 1/2 years suddenly told me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and she wants a divorce. She has since packed up most of her clothes and went to move in with her parents. She says it is because I am mean to her and we fuss about things too much. I realize that I do have issues and get upset too often and am trying to work on myself but she says that nothing I could change would make her feel any different because she just doesn't want to be with me anymore. I do not want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything and we also have a 2 yr old son that I do not want to see in a broken home. Is there anything I can do to make her want to work things out with me for the sake of me and our family or am I just fighting a losing battle?


It looks to me that she just stayed married long enough to get her half of your income and leave. I don't think there's anything you can do at this point.


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