# Best Conflict Resolution - what did you do and what were the results?



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

I am curious to know how other women deal with conflict with their spouses in their relationships. Regardless of who is at fault, does anyone have any tried and true methods for dealing with the emotional upsets we sometimes experience in our relationship. I have learned with my husband that silence really is golden when it comes to communication, and it actually has quite powerful results with him either causing him to make a change more quickly, acknowledge he was wrong (if he was) and just be more open. But sometimes I find this very challenging. I don't believe in being disrespectful or yelling....my husband wouldn't stand for that and it would get me nowhere but sometimes I have this itching desire to be heard when he has done something that has hurt me, even though I know most times he will realize it on his own when I just keep quiet.

What are your experiences with this? what has worked best for you and brought peace and love back to your relationship the fastest after a disagreement (aside from makeup sex which I sometimes wonder if it is the fuel behind some of our "fights"). 
What definitely DID NOT work for you?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

For us, active listening works the best. Basically, you just repeat back to your partner what he/she says, or better yet, you paraphrase it, reflecting the feeling. This has to be done sincerely to work. Generally the other person will share more deeply from their heart, and you can see what the root of the problem is. Then you can solve it.

Transparency works here. Saying, "Help me understand," and "How can I help?" works, too. Apologizing sincerely and freely works well here.

Silence does not work for us. His being aggressive just shuts me down emotionally. 

We have to resolve everything. I have to have harmony in my marriage to be at peace with myself.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Every guy is different and the same approach will not work with every guy. I know the silent approach would not be a good way to show me you are upset. There is no way to hurt me worse than to just stop talking and ignore me. You have to talk things out no matter what. Sooner or later you have to talk so why put it off and make things worse by being silent. Guys want women to be honest and upfront with them. We want to know you will talk to us about anything and two adults should be able to discuss anything if both people approach it correctly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

I agree about silence not being good if it is used as a way to "punish"....but I tend to over-analyse things and when I feel emotional and go on rants I just end up tuning my husband out. When he has done something wrong, most of the time he knows it, so me rubbing it in his face does nothing but then give me an opportunity to make things worse by saying something I will probably regret. Without fail, when I have managed to keep my cool, and walk away without making a fuss, he has always responded in a positive way afterwards and then becomes more open to discussing things. There is a difference if I walk away and sulk and screw my face and not answer if he talks to me....I don't agree with this....but silently walking away and just going about my business gives him time to filter what just happened and I don't end up sticking my foot in my mouth. Not always easy but I try hard to remind myself that I have the option of getting results that will bring me/us more peace and attraction, or the opposite. But as mentioned each case is very unique and I guess its important for each couple to find what works best for them. 

I am interested in seeing if there is a majority using a specific tactic that they have mastered over the years.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

I get my wife alone and we cuddle. I hold her and tell her to share with me anything thats bothering her about us and I do the same. We take turns and listen to the other and then talk them out. The rules are no loud voices and no silent treatment when we do this. We just talk. Sure we dont always solve everything each time. But we get it out in the open an usually its solved before or by the next time we share things again. It has helped bring us closer and know we can share anything without the other blowing up getting loud and turning i to a fight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Is the question exclusively for ladies or a men allowed to contribute our experiences with conflict resolution?


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

Well i jumped in as a man and put my two cents. LOL. Oopps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Would love to hear from the men! Please share!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Jamestone said:


> I get my wife alone and we cuddle. I hold her and tell her to share with me anything thats bothering her about us and I do the same. We take turns and listen to the other and then talk them out. *The rules are no loud voices and no silent treatment when we do this. We just talk. Sure we dont always solve everything each time. But we get it out in the open an usually its solved before or by the next time we share things again.* It has helped bring us closer and know we can share anything without the other blowing up getting loud and turning i to a fight.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Our methods are similar to this.
If it's a small misunderstanding , usually we talk whilst lying on the bed before we go to sleep , and basically make peace with each other. Usually , she rests her head on my chest , my arms around he rubbing her back and shoulders.

If it's a big conflict or disagreement, we usually drop everything and sit down to talk about it. When it is resolved , I tend to purchase a gift for her as a gesture that I have forgiven her or asking for her forgiveness.

Same rules like yours. No shouting allowed , no temper tantrums ,no calling each other names.

Crying is allowed, laughing is allowed, poking fun at each other is allowed , and sometimes horse trading aka " bribery" is allowed. <---lol!


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

You are dead on man! I know this does not work for all guys. Its prob better for the more emotionally driven guys but I think any wife could get any husband to do this with a little effort. Heck. If you have to bribe him as suggested. He goal is to get you both in a good mood. Who cares how you get there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

What hasn't worked for us has been me processing in my own way which in the past has meant turning to music or needing space to work things out in my mind. I didn't even realize that I needed to let him in to all of that. Now I've learned to keep opening up and expressing - even if that simply means expressing that I'm taking things in. To remain flexible and listen and seek to understand. We keep working through it; reading each other and being open because that helps with trust in one another and feeling safe. Goes hand-in-hand.

We had a short-lived heated discussion the other day. It was great. He got out his frustrations with me. I let out mine. We kept listening and discussing and basically got to where we needed, organically. I try to be aware of knee-jerk reactions too that aren't going to be helpful. Emotions pass. Try to talk to the issue while still acknowledging feelings. 

Tantrums and yelling, not cool with either of us.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

The best way I've found to get my H to respond is to cry. I don't cry to manipulate him and I never intended it to get his attention; quite frankly I didn't think he cared at all. But I used to get really, really angry at him and that did nothing but make me miserable so I wanted to work on improving my own life. To try and do that I worked on connecting with how I was really feeling and expressing how I was feeling, regardless of how I thought he would respond. I came to realize that I was really hurt and that's all my anger was. I wanted to be true to myself instead of wanting to get a certain reaction out of my H. I was really shocked at his response the first time I cried in front of him because in the past he'd just shut down and given me the silent treatment. 

So part of my conflict resolution was letting go of getting something from my H and focusing more on expressing what i was really feeling. I guess I had to allow myself to express vulnerability without being vulnerable - if that makes any sense.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

-no name calling
-no sarcasm...hugely important one for us.sarcasm can take a productive conversation and turn it ugly FAST.
-no yelling
-no silent treatment
-face each other,sitting down and preferably touching somehow...hands,hand on leg,etc. We've found it helps keep the love in the discussion if we touch.
-use terms of endearment to soften the conversation.It helps us remember we are not enemies.We are two people fighting for our marriage to be fair and happy.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I think it depends on the level of conflict. I am at a high stage of conflict right now. I've already done the heated argument, calm but frank discussion, even the sadly emotional talk over the past 5 years, nothing changes. I am now just shut down, not much discussion between us anymore. I do enjoy the peace and I am getting comfortable with it. I don't think it is sustainable, we shall see


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Jamestone said:* Guys want women to be honest and upfront with them


 I am the type that wears my heart...and well.. my irritation on my sleeve.. I am pretty articulate about it...honest always.... I try to be very careful to NOT be a blame shifter...this helps....I can admit my faults in the heat of the moment.. he is good for this too.. this goes a long way for both of us.

I am so thankful my husband "gets me".. it's not that we don't fight.. oh we DO at times.. but it's not often, it's usually over something stupid.. and our approach has been the same since our beginnings...

He KNOWS I need to talk when I am upset... I don't run, hide, play games or any such thing.. and I would be wholly infuriated if he did this.. I can not stand the silent treatment..... if he pushed me aside....refusing to talk .... I'd be worse when he finally got around to getting back to me.... getting away doesn't cool me down.. TALKING IT OUT does. 

Maybe that makes me sound like a Baby.. I don't know.. but it doesn't matter..cause we work our conflicts out very effectively....it's never been a problem in our marriage.. 

Neither of us can stand to be MAD at each other....so even if we tried to stay away from each other...oh I've slammed the door in a moment, went downstairs... thinking "I'll fix him!"... but then I am sooooo miserable....I can't stand myself.... so I end up marching right back up there... open the door...and let him know I am so pathetic I can't stay away... I can see a crack of a  on his face over this... cause he wants to make up too !...

Then we may lay there...talking it out...it may take an hour or 2, ..exploring how we both feel...it's very vulnerable....sometimes there are tears.....then we both feel bad that we did this to ourselves... we hug, we touch, this inevitably leads to Make up Sex- after we've stirred all those hormones up.....and we're back in the saddle again...

We almost always learn something new -that we carry with us ...from our heated fights... I write them in my journal even..some our our funniest moments too... I can't say I even regret many of our fights...they helped us grow and come to a better place with each other..


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## geewiz (Mar 30, 2014)

1. Go for a walk well talking things out. Quality time, holding hands and exercise endorphins seem to lee things positive.

2. Pick your battles aka be flexible. If ir isn't a big deal. LEt it go. Be supportive. Im not a bog fan of my wife's decorating but it makes here happy and its good enough for me. 

3. Let your spouse make some below a threshold decisions without your micromanagement.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I think for both of us not having conflict in the first place works a lot of the time. Case in point, we are trying to find living room furniture. I really don't want a sectional. He does. In the final analysis, it is likley better for me to just not have an opinion and be happy with the sectional. We each have areas that were are generally very easily flexible about.

Other things we just discuss. If there are clear objective reasons to make one choice over another, then we do. If there aren't, one of use usually concedes. 

But eventually there is an issue, usually emotional, that I need to set boundaries. (The practical stuff worked itself out years ago.) I control only my actions. So if there is a conflict that is impacting my feelings, I tell him calmly and directly. If he chooses to right fight me or get defensive, I simply say these are MY feelings. I don't feel like beign around you when my feelings are hurt. Let me know when we can come back together for you to try to understand MY feelings.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can't say I even regret many of our fights...they helped us grow and come to a better place with each other..


Good stuff!


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

My wife and I really don't argue much about small stuff. I'm kinda cool with letting her have her way because she's super easy-going and doesn't nag or try to control me at all.

When we disagree about big issues, I have definitely learned that its best to wait for everyone to settle down before we try and resolve it. If either one of us is raising our voice, it's not a good time to talk about it. On the other hand, I don't like to wait too long to talk it out. 

We have made it a habit to resolve any issues before we go to bed. I probably wouldn't get much sleep if we didn't as I tend to lay there and ponder things. 

I really like the book "Love and Respect" by Dr. Eggerichs. He's got really good insights on this from man and woman's perspective.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

We're still a work in progress when it comes to arguments.

Things have changed in the last couple of years of our nearly 20 year marriage with regard to this topic.

When we argue my m.o. is to apologise and his is to go 'quiet' indefinitely. Regardless of what the argument was about . Awful.

We use to have a quite a few arguments about sex (he was low T) and how I wanted more and was tired of the rejections.

Now I am slow to apologise - I only apologise after I've thought about it instead of willy nilly just to get everything back to rights. I've definitely learned a few things about myself. Now, most of the time I don't apologise unless I was in the wrong or I used a disrespectful tone or raised my voice too much. I also try and just start talking normally - as opposed to letting his cold and quiet mood spoil my day and upset my equilibrium like it used to. I guess you could call me a recovering co-dependent. Raised by a codependent/people pleasing mother (who is like that to this day). Have to say too that my husband is passive aggressive.

Talking normally and acting normally without letting his mood get me down has made life a lot easier and his mood doesn't affect me at all (almost - still a work in progress). Just this weekend we had an argument of all things because I wanted to hold his hand in public (we don't usually and not many people were around except our children). He pulled away, then took my hand and squeezed it hard - I was wearing a thick ring and it hurt. I yelped and some people turned around. Anyway an argument ensued. I felt hurt about his not wanting to take my hand. An elderly couple happened to pass by in front of our car - walking along holding hands. Not a word was said.

He went quiet when we arrived home and I started talking/acting normally. But not altogether warmly. I didn't let it bother me too much. In the past I would have let his silence really get to me and ruin my day. Now, I get over his reaction quickly and enjoy my day. I can't control his reactions but I can control mine.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

ecotime47 said:


> My wife and I really don't argue much about small stuff. I'm kinda cool with letting her have her way because she's super easy-going and doesn't nag or try to control me at all.
> 
> When we disagree about big issues, I have definitely learned that its best to wait for everyone to settle down before we try and resolve it. If either one of us is raising our voice, it's not a good time to talk about it. *On the other hand, I don't like to wait too long to talk it out.
> 
> ...


The bolded part of your post is what I am like in terms of I don't like to leave things too long to talk about them. If I don't bring things up my husband would never, ever address them. I don't like that approach, I like to clear the air. My husband goes all quiet and ignores the issue. I ponder things in bed and don't like to go to sleep with ill feelings on either side. My husband is happy as long as I never bring it up and likes to pretend nothing happened. I like to bring things up to discuss and he takes a defensive position right off the bat. I've learned in the last year to say to him 'why are you getting defensive? We're on the same side :scratchhead: I just want to talk with you.' It usually calms him down and he can see that I just want to clear any ill feelings.

I don't like to build resentments as it is a libido killer - which is why I like to discuss any issues with him.


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## Jamestone (Mar 30, 2014)

FizzBomb said:


> The bolded part of your post is what I am like in terms of I don't like to leave things too long to talk about them. If I don't bring things up my husband would never, ever address them. I don't like that approach, I like to clear the air. My husband goes all quiet and ignores the issue. I ponder things in bed and don't like to go to sleep with ill feelings on either side. My husband is happy as long as I never bring it up and likes to pretend nothing happened. I like to bring things up to discuss and he takes a defensive position right off the bat. I've learned in the last year to say to him 'why are you getting defensive? We're on the same side :scratchhead: I just want to talk with you.' It usually calms him down and he can see that I just want to clear any ill feelings.
> 
> I don't like to build resentments as it is a libido killer - which is why I like to discuss any issues with him.



I agree. I am the thinker who sits there and starts all the convos and all the sex. I hate it actually. I would love for her to take charge and show me some enthusiasm and desire to want to discuss things. It sucks always being the one who has to intiate everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Jamestone said:


> I agree. I am the thinker who sits there and starts all the convos and all the sex. I hate it actually. I would love for her to take charge and show me some enthusiasm and desire to want to discuss things. It sucks always being the one who has to intiate everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Amen to that! Been there done that. The sex part has improved significantly with my husband getting on testosterone supps. I still initiate more than him (better than >90% in the past where I was doing most of it. This is my husbands estimate by the way).

The communication part for us sucks big time. It is a dream of mine that he has a desire to discuss issues openly and honestly with me in a forthright manner. I reckon it would improve our sex life even more.


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