# Should I confront OM



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

My wife and I are almost fully R at this point. My main problem these days is how unusual her affairs were, especially the second ONS. It still doesn't make sense so I sometimes still have doubts.

My question for this thread is: Is there anything to be gained by contacting the OM and asking for his side of the story? For those who haven't followed my past threads, the OM I'm talking about is an old coworker of both me and my wife. They had a very random ONS 23 years ago while I was deployed in the Navy.

Part of me thinks talking to him will get me past the last hurdle and part of me thinks there's nothing to be gained. I guess it's possible he could blow her story away and make things worse but I don't believe that would be the case.

Have any of you had a real talk with the AP? Did it hurt or help? Would you do it again?

Thanks all.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

There is much to be gained by confronting the OM in certain cases, but for a 23-year-old ONS -- no. If this is the most recent infidelity and you are almost fully reconciled I'd let it go. If there are parts of your W's story that still don't make sense you are not truly reconciled until she (not the OM) makes it clear.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think it won't help, it will just bring you back to d-day and look how long it took you to heal from that.

Your old lady should be helping you heal not the OM.

I never confronted any OM's hell my old lady can't count them much less remember all there names but thats another story.

I think its just opening old wound...especially if your old lady is truly remorseful and did all the heavy lifting....

Maybe that the issue here...has she done the heavy lifting with actions that show real remorse?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_My question for this thread is: Is there anything to be gained by contacting the OM and asking for his side of the story?_

PS: You don't "ask" an OM for anything--you demand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

After all this time I'm pretty sure they had a chance to sync their stories.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

if it was really a ONS and you have no doubt of how all the events happened then there is no case in confronting him, it will just bring you pain an old triggers maybe will come fresh again, in the other hand if you think that it could have been an affair with many encounters and you feel that she is still lying about it then "yes" confronting him may be necessary but the truth may not be want you wanto to hear.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

the guy said:


> After all this time I'm pretty sure they had a chance to sync their stories.


Or, maybe after all this time, the lies and syncs have been long forgotten and the truth is still there to be laid bare.

If it were me (and I do mean ONLY me) and this was still in my mind after all this time, I just might roll the dice and call. 

This is a tough one to consider.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You can't believe anything he says anyway, so I don't see much value personally. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's not a good idea to reengage him into your marriage.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

The only reason to contact him, is when you get your kid DNA tested and the other man ends up being the biological father. Of course, that my opinion. Otherwise, you are asking the same question over a year after D-day.

Yes, I've read all of your threads. They are all variations of the same thing: What really happened and how many times. If it stops the triggers call him, but realize it could make things worse.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I struggled with the same issue, still do. My wife had a PA about 25 years ago and I just found out last year. The POSOM still lives nearby. He has tried contacting my wife as recently as New Year's Day. But I've pretty much decided to leave him alone, there's nothing to gain and a lot to lose. He has no reason to talk to me, so why should he? I definitely wouldn't if I was in his shoes. So I'll leave him alone, unless he tries to contact my wife again, then I might have to have a little chat with him.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Thanks all. I was leaning towards not contacting him but had some doubts in my judgement. That's one of the worst lasting effects of the A. 

I used to be confident in my judgement now I wonder about my ability to make the right call on things I never would have worried about before. When I think back to the situation I returned to from deployment I knew something had happened. I was too ready to believe what I wanted to be true. That lapse in my ability to perceive the truth has lead to me doubting myself at times.

I knew it was probably not a good idea to contact him especially after all this time. The wife can barely remember how it went down and he probably remembers even less. From what she says it wouldn't have been something he would be able to brag about. 

Truth be told I think part of me just wanted to see him squirm. That would serve no real purpose and at worst could back fire on me by causing me to trigger for a prolonged period.

Thanks again; that's why I still come here. You guys are great.


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## srhgsfjd (Feb 1, 2014)

My wife and I are almost fully R at this point.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

There is really no good contacting OM can do for you. I have to say, I really think I would have enjoyed handing out a whooping to the OM, but that would have gone no where except to get me in trouble with the law.

What are your goals in doing so. If it is not truly to move forward and help your life then let it go. If it is to get some satisfaction, let it go. Do something special today instead and think to yourself, it it weren't for that turd, you wouldn't be doing this wonderful thing. Grab a new perspective on life, embrace it and move forward. Living a good life is the best thing you can do.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

And what if the OM tells you something that makes you doubt your W all over again? Do you really want to go through the "mind movies" all over again, and be playing 20 questions with your W again?

I'd let it go: you will set R back to square one, and ten-to-one, the OM probably doesn't even remember half of the details after all this time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Way too much water has been allowed to run under the bridge in 23 years. The R has already been more than solidly implied and to open an inquiry into a ONS that occurred so very long ago could be absent some details, or most likely, a victim of selective retention ~ neither of which would do you any good whatsoever!

If you're really seeking an avenue to leave her now, I'd greatly say that it had better be for another unrelated reason!*


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> After all this time has passed perhaps there are just bigger issues. ...
> 
> Sorry you still feel like this after all these years.


It hasn't been too many years. Her affairs where in 1991 and 1992. I found out about them 7/11/2012. So they were very old by the time I found out but the clock on my healing is less than 2 years old.

Don't worry about this for yourself. Everyone is different and worry gets you no where. Trust in God and persevere and you will make it through.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Confused, what brought these affairs/ONS to light after 20 years?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Philat, I think I recall him saying that his POS mil spilled the beans on her daughter out of spite, and that his W admitted to the 2nd affair entirely on her own in the interest of full disclosure. That's very admirable on its own in that it shows she wants no secrets between them. Quite a gal. I think CF knows that she's committed fully to their marriage, and he is truly lucky to have her in his life.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

thummper said:


> Philat, I think I recall him saying that his POS mil spilled the beans on her daughter out of spite, and that his W admitted to the 2nd affair entirely on her own in the interest of full disclosure. That's very admirable on its own in that it shows she wants no secrets between them. Quite a gal. I think CF knows that she's committed fully to their marriage, and he is truly lucky to have her in his life.


Thanks, thummper. That's why I asked: If confused's W would confess on her own, then there would seem little reason for him to go digging.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It's been to long. He was certainly never a good source for truth anyway.

If you are worried about not having the truth, ask your wife to take a polygraph and see how she reacts. Don't be afraid to follow thru.

23 years is a long time to live with doubts. I just don't see OM helping you in any way at this point.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

thummper said:


> Philat, I think I recall him saying that his POS mil spilled the beans on her daughter out of spite, and that his W admitted to the 2nd affair entirely on her own in the interest of full disclosure. That's very admirable on its own in that it shows she wants no secrets between them. Quite a gal. I think CF knows that she's committed fully to their marriage, and he is truly lucky to have her in his life.


He is. I think CF does get it. CF, What say you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You never know what you will get when you confront the AP.

Some will just tell you the truth. Some lie up a storm. How do you know is they are lying or telling the truth? You would need solid evidence to backup what they say.

It's a toss up.

After 23 years for a ONS, I'm not sure it's worth it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

You would be asking a known liar and cheat for info that is twenty-three years stale.

What do you expect to come out of that exchange?

More lies. You will second guess what he does say, or beat yourself up wondering what he left out.

Life is too short for that nonsense.

I would just toss him into a carpet and dump him in the river. That's how you find closure. lol


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

thummper said:


> Philat, I think I recall him saying that his POS mil spilled the beans on her daughter out of spite, and that his W admitted to the 2nd affair entirely on her own in the interest of full disclosure. That's very admirable on its own in that it shows she wants no secrets between them. Quite a gal. I think CF knows that she's committed fully to their marriage, and he is truly lucky to have her in his life.


Thanks thummper, that's about the gist of it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

CF:

I am wondering how honest you are being_ with yourself_ about how you feel about what your wife did. I see your threads on the discovery of her affairs/ONS and the aftermath, including your "regression after healing" -- I see you on the one hand still trying to get to the bottom of what really happened over 20 years ago while at the same time being completely uncritical of her as a person and as a wife. Expressing things like "not wanting to drag her into this" (vis-a-vis your slipping back into depression on the subject) and echoing how lucky you are to have her in your life etc.

have you ever approached her in anger about this? have you ever found yourself boiling angry with her because she cheated on you? 
your wife is the one responsible for all this pain you've gone through over the past 15 months, and yet you seem to want to protect her from the ugly reality she herself has created. e.g. is your son really yours? yes in some respects it doesn't matter, but we both know overall it matters deeply...very. if he's not yours biologically then she didn't simply have a couple affairs 20 or so years ago, she also gave you a son that inherited absolutely zero physical traits from you...you having assumed that he did. only "part of you" in the spiritual sense, not the physical. all because of a thoughtless time in her life 20 years ago, plus a secret she kept from you for 20 years. you're a Christian, but to forgive her you have to know what it is you're forgiving. DNA your son. find out the truth! 

your regression from healing is because you never healed in the first place, I believe. your sadness or depression could be due to bottled up emotions....strong emotions of pain and anger that you have suppressed. Are you in IC? I think it's a must for you.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Boy I understand the idea of the other guy squirming. This is really about you letting it go. I am not sure I will completely but I did go through a process of burning the emails, pictures, phone records. It was my way of closing that ugly chapter of my life. 

This maybe what you are looking for. Perhaps you should tell your wife about how you feel and you can work on that as a team


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Hey nuc, just read your post. It's getting to be a bit past my bedtime. You bring up some things that deserve an explanation so I'll get back to it soon.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

After such a long time I think that the OM would have rewritten the history in his mind by now to make it fit whatever he can live with and it would be his perspective not all fact anyways.

I am wondering if this is not one of those "fishing for pain" parts of the infidelity PTSD cycle? Are you just looking for something to hurt or for something to validate the feelings you are having because the source is not clear? Just a thought.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, he probably doesn't even remember her.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> CF:
> 
> I am wondering how honest you are being_ with yourself_ about how you feel about what your wife did. I see your threads on the discovery of her affairs/ONS and the aftermath, including your "regression after healing" -- I see you on the one hand still trying to get to the bottom of what really happened over 20 years ago while at the same time being completely uncritical of her as a person and as a wife. Expressing things like "not wanting to drag her into this" (vis-a-vis your slipping back into depression on the subject) and echoing how lucky you are to have her in your life etc.
> 
> ...


Nuc - I also responded to you're message in the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/132154-anyone-else-regress-after-healing-7.html#post7408753 thread.

Yes I did confront her with anger many times. I think that is a necessary component to healing. That also leads me to a piece of advise I'd like to pass on.

Don't forgive too soon.

I learned this the hard way. I believe when you offer to forgive someone you give up the right to bring it up again in anger. You give up the right to use it against them. This is ultimately what you need but it's not primarily what you need. At first you need to get your anger out. You need to vent or the stress will overwhelm you. I kept things inside too long and it caused a lot of stress in our relationship. When I finally blew I almost left and she thought I was getting better. Our worst months were not immediately after dday but 7 and 8 months later. Because so much time had passed we almost didn't make it because it seemed like "if this is how bad it is after 8 months, I guess we're not going to get past it". I believe this was caused by me being too willing to forgive but not ready to.

As far as getting a DNA test for my son goes, only harm could come from it. And it really doesn't matter. At first I did a lot of "calendar math" and it all pointed to me being the father. But it was close so I had some doubts. Additionally, when my MIL told me about the affair she said that my son was not mine. I asked my wife and she said she never told her mother that she had any doubts about him being mine. She had a period between the affair and finding out she was pregnant. Whether this was a true period, indicating she was not pregnant, or bleeding sometimes associated with pregnancy is not known so there was still some doubt. Since then I have noticed things physically that point to him being my biological son. I could be argued that the fact that I noticed them means I'm still dwelling on it but that is not the case. I think it is there in my sub conscience and sometimes comes forward.

Regardless of any sub conscience doubt my relationship with him is perfect. It's the kind of relationship I wish I could have had with my father. I'm not willing to damage it by bringing this up with him again. We told him the whole story on dday. We really feared the MIL would tell him just to wreak more havoc on our family. We told him we thought I was his father. I offered to get a DNA test if he wanted to know. His response: "I don't want a test; as far as I'm concerned, you are my father". He's 22 years old and can make his own decisions. If he wants a test in the future then I'll do it but I'm not willing to cause him pain or damage our relationship by asking.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Just my .02. You may want to consider clarifying to him that you are his father as far as you are concerned as well. That will sit better with him over time than I think I am your father.

At this point, if he is not genetically yours, then POSOM is nothing more than a sperm donor. You raised him into the man he is now. You are his dad. POSOM has no claim.

As far as taking your wife's word for it. Well that is an absolute unreliable source of truth as she has shown through her actions over the years. No offense, but don't bet the bank on her word. She remembers having a period between her AP any you getting her pregnant... maybe


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Wait a second. Wife didn't volunteer this information, she kept it a secret for 20 odd years because she was grassed up. Why is anything she is saying reliable?
So she had two affairs, not one..that she says, how is OP supposed to know what else might have happened during those 20 years, I mean she nearly got away with it, there were no immediate consequences for her actions. Yes it was a long time ago but damn that almost rewrites 20 years of history because the questions will forever remain.

OP do what you must, I'm guessing if this keeps on nagging at you eventually it will wear on you. You need answers then go get them.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

BobSimmons said:


> Wait a second. Wife didn't volunteer this information, she kept it a secret for 20 odd years because she was grassed up. Why is anything she is saying reliable?
> So she had two affairs, not one..that she says, how is OP supposed to know what else might have happened during those 20 years, I mean she nearly got away with it, there were no immediate consequences for her actions. Yes it was a long time ago but damn that almost rewrites 20 years of history because the questions will forever remain.
> 
> OP do what you must, I'm guessing if this keeps on nagging at you eventually it will wear on you. You need answers then go get them.


Quite frankly, I agree. She has admitted to two affairs after being outed by her mother. Perhaps that is all her mother knows about so all she felt compelled to confess to... although it certainly wasn't a real confession.


To each their own.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> I struggled with the same issue, still do. My wife had a PA about 25 years ago and I just found out last year. The POSOM still lives nearby. He has tried contacting my wife as recently as New Year's Day. But I've pretty much decided to leave him alone, there's nothing to gain and a lot to lose. He has no reason to talk to me, so why should he? I definitely wouldn't if I was in his shoes. So I'll leave him alone, unless he tries to contact my wife again, then I might have to have a little chat with him.


How did you find out?


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

BobSimmons and workindad - I hear what you're saying. This is one of many threads about my story. Everything you're saying I've already worked out. That's one of the problems with TAM. It's hard to get the whole story if it's not in one thread. I've retold various parts in other threads. Needless to say, doing that over again gets old so I won't bother here.

Feel free to look up my others if you want the whole story and why I think the way I do about her now. I do appreciate the input though. 

Peace


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

confusedFather said:


> BobSimmons and workindad - I hear what you're saying. This is one of many threads about my story. Everything you're saying I've already worked out. That's one of the problems with TAM. It's hard to get the whole story if it's not in one thread. I've retold various parts in other threads. Needless to say, doing that over again gets old so I won't bother here.
> 
> Feel free to look up my others if you want the whole story and why I think the way I do about her now. I do appreciate the input though.
> 
> Peace


Confused Father

Your last couple posts, plus recent one in your other thread impress on me that you've carefully considered each aspect of your situation. Sounds like you are handling this about as well as one could expect.

On the DNA test of your son, I disagree with your stance, but this might be one of those situations where the right path is just not very clear. I'll admit that upon my reconsideration I'm less confident about what you should do. One question though, and I'm not a medical expert so I cannot answer it, would there come a time when a person needs to know their lineage simply for health purposes? Maybe even needing to get family-related information from the bio father. Have you investigated that issue?


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I've thought about the medical aspect of this as well. I went to the doctor for back pain and he asked me if I had family history of back pain. It's not something you think would be passed along but there must be something for him to ask. If it becomes a question he needs answered in the future, we'll handle it at that time. There's no way to contact the other guy so there's nothing to gain from that. He was a ONS with a guitar player in a bar band in Virgina Beach 20+ years ago. She doesn't even remember his name.

I have two other son's who are older than the 22 year old. The oldest and my nephew (sister's son) are carbon copies of each other. They even both have type 1 diabetes which the doctors say is extremely unlikely. My dad had type 2. Doctors believe there is a genetic component but don't know what it is. Son number two looks just like me when I was younger and has the same allergies and asthma that I have and my father had. So it seems like I was good at passing along problems from my dad.

Here's where more doubt about the youngest son is realized and then disputed. My youngest strongly resembles the men in my wife's side of the family while the two brothers seem to inherit from mine. This lead to more doubt about my "calendar math" even though these are most likely coincidental. Just a month ago the youngest was showing me a cluster of skin tags in his right arm pit. They look just like mine which look just like my dad's. Again, this is most likely coincidental.

The point is yes I do still have some doubt and yes it would be nice to know for sure. But to me it's not worth it if it could cause him trouble. It's my burden to bare unless he brings it up. 

Sometimes we have to courteously disagree. 

Thanks for the input.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Nuc - I also responded to you're message in the http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/132154-anyone-else-regress-after-healing-7.html#post7408753 thread.
> 
> Yes I did confront her with anger many times. I think that is a necessary component to healing. That also leads me to a piece of advise I'd like to pass on.
> 
> ...


Normal to have doubts forever. Not knowing will haunt you for 30+ years. This is why being the told the whole truth is necessary.

You have doubts. Well talking to the OM a known lair and cheat. How can you believe what he tells you? The OM can deny or minimize because he does not want you coming after him. He does not care and has no remorse from his crime of years ago so he makes what happen a hundred times worse then what really happened.

plus I am sure your WW and the OM have had the time to get their stories straight by now.

Your best shot at getting the truth is to DNA your kids. Have your WW and MIL write a timeline of what happened. Then have them both polygraphed.

Your MIL could of been honest in saying the kids were not yours. I would believe her over your WW. A woman that lied and cheated on you.

WW are notorious for trickle truthing. They are in damage control from D day onwards.

So a WW admits to a second ONS that you did not know. The WW throws her BH another bone of truth to build her plausibility and she will be believed when she says the kid is not the OM's. Or other damage control denials.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> BobSimmons and workindad - I hear what you're saying. This is one of many threads about my story. Everything you're saying I've already worked out. That's one of the problems with TAM. It's hard to get the whole story if it's not in one thread. I've retold various parts in other threads. Needless to say, doing that over again gets old so I won't bother here.
> 
> Feel free to look up my others if you want the whole story and why I think the way I do about her now. I do appreciate the input though.
> 
> Peace


The problem is with the people that start new threads. Specially this one. When staying on the original thread is better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

confusedFather said:


> Feel free to look up my others if you want the whole story and why I think the way I do about her now. I do appreciate the input though.
> 
> Peace


Frankly - and no offense - but I get tired of people starting multiple threads when they don't get the answer they want, and leaving us posters digging through the mud to try to figure out the real answers.

Good luck for nothing.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

theroad said:


> The problem is with the people that start new threads. Specially this one. When staying on the original thread is better.


:iagree:

IKR? 

Its frustrating when someone spreads their story through multiple threads and expect you to know it. One member was a real jerk to me when I answered a thread, but spread his story through different threads and forums. 

Still, looking through his profile, I found the original thread here:

I may not be the father

So far the facts are as follows:


DDay was July 2012 - for her, it was 20 years ago, for him it was a few days ago (July 2012)
WW had 2 ONS - that he knows of. And he would only know this because the MIL exposed the affairs, otherwise, she would have taken them to her grave. Could there have been more? He was in the Navy and these ONS's occurred while he was deployed/under way. How does he know there weren't more while he was deployed other times?
He had doubts about being his son's biological father - but never got any DNA testing done because of fear of knowing.
WW claims not to remember much about the ONS
Rushed into R - without having the full story because of WWs selective amnesia. I would question why should would remember other events but not that. Cheating on your spouse is a major event, and one would think, a vivid memory, especially the first time.

So now, he wants the story from OM because he can't get it from his WW. The lack of closure is bothering him, and will continue to bother him.

confusedFather, do not look to the OM. Look to your WW for the answers. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would not buy the selective amnesia excuse wherein she allegedly buried the memories due to guilt. If she was truly remorseful as she claims to be, she will give you what you need to heal. Sorry, but she allegedly cheated in 1991 and 1992, that was NOT that long ago, right after Desert Storm, and I was stationed at Ellsworth Air Force Base in South Dakota at the same you were in the Navy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This isn't something you can get from anything other than your wife. And you can't get it from your wife unless you're willing to give up the marriage if you can't deal with the truth.


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## Justa (Dec 14, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> Sometimes we have to courteously disagree.


 It is your right to disagree, because at the end of the day, it is your life.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

confusedFather said:


> The point is yes I do still have some doubt and yes it would be nice to know for sure. But to me it's not worth it if it could cause him trouble. It's my burden to bare unless he brings it up.
> 
> Sometimes we have to courteously disagree.
> 
> Thanks for the input.


Sometimes we do have to disagree.

I really do wish you and your family the best.

However, this is not your burden to bare. This is a burden that should be shared between you and your wife.

The sense that I get from your postings is that you are carrying the burden of her actions alone. That is not healthy and it will likely continue to wear you down and eat you up inside. There is a better way, toss the rug out that you swept this under and force a real R with your wife.

Peace
WD


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I completely disagree with those who think multiple threads is a bad thing. After my initial thread I posted new threads to cover specific issues. The difficulties arise when extremely long threads get off topic. This thread is a perfect example. 

I wanted to know if I should contact OM #2; the one I used to know. I gave a summary of my situation for other to base their comments on. By post #12, a mere hour and a half after the OP, I had my answer and gave my thanks. The thread should have died there. But yet it lingers on and now the post titled "Should I confront the OM" is a post about DNA testing and how to properly post to TAM.

For the those who are confused: I was not looking to find out anything about my son's parentage from the OM. My son was already born by the time this A happened. The first OM is unknown. I also did not make the choice not to get a DNA test. My son made that choice and I'm not going to push the issue.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

If it were me
and My wife had one night stands in 1991 and 1992
and I found out about them in 2012
I would be LESS concerned with the om and more concerned with what ELSE happened between 1993 and 2012

did she just suddenly stop cheating??
she will only discuss and excuse what you already know, and she wont offer up more, most likely because there is a LOT LOT more

do you really want to know


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

NVM.

No need for drama.


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