# Why does my husband hate me?



## Jesswalter75

What makes a man hate and resent a good woman?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Jesswalter75 said:


> What makes a man hate and resent a good woman?


This query needs a whole lot more background.


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## Jesswalter75

He literally hates me I don’t use the term lightly. He ignores my texts and calls refuses to speak to me at home, when he does happen to very briefly speak he yells and tells me how annoying and stupid and retarded I am. Like the minute he hears my voice he is just overwhelmed with hate and anger and has told me he just can’t even stand to hear me. I am a good attentive to all his needs wife. I have bent over backwards for 3 years to grant all of his desires no matter the hardship put on myself. I just don’t understand where his anger and wrath towards me comes from. We had a 36 second phone conversation today that’s been all, he just came in at 9:40pm (been off work since 4:30...)I asked him if he could at least lay in bed with me and watch some tv and his response was I doubt it and I dare you to ask me again, then he taunts me saying ask me again over and over. I have never seen such unprovoked hatefulness


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## jlg07

I don't like to say this, but your husband sounds mentally unbalanced. He REALLY need the help of mental health care professionals.
There is NO WAY your marriage (such as it is) can continue with NO communication. If HE won't tell you what the issues are, there is no way YOU are going to figure it out and no way YOU are going to solve the problem. A marriage cannot be one-sided.


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## Jesswalter75

I definitely believe him to be mentally unbalanced and when I’ve tried to suggest going to speak to a doctor he flat refuses saying he doesn’t need medication bc there’s nothing wrong with him....he only has normal conversations with me when he basically needs something from me. He is an extreme narcissist.


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## jlg07

Jess, if he isn't willing to do the work, you CANNOT do this one-sided. You cannot single-handed fix a marriage. It takes both partners.
I know you don't want to leave, but do you think that if you went to a lawyer, found out all the info you need , get your finances separated, and start divorce proceedings -- do you think that would wake him up? You need to read about being in a relationship with a true narcissist -- it doesn't get better by itself, and most times THEY WILL NOT do anything to get better because (according to them) THEY are not the problem.
VERY sorry you are dealing with this, but please make sure to protect and take care of YOURSELF


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## Mr.Married

Hi Jess,

Sounds like your in a terrible spot. I'll echo what was said by jlg07 said. There is no amount of one sided effort that can raise a marriage from the ashes if the other side isn't interested.
Your husband sounds extremely selfish.

Can you possibly identify an event or time when he started acting like this...or has it been a gradual progressive type thing?

Edit:-----------------------------------------

I just went back and read your other thread. Your husband is a entitled little snot POS and you have enabled his behavior for a long time.
You appear as though you will continue to put up with it and continue to be his servant. Any person with an ounce of self value and esteem
would have left that chump a long time ago.


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## Young at Heart

Jesswalter75 said:


> He literally hates me I don’t use the term lightly. He ignores my texts and calls refuses to speak to me at home, when he does happen to very briefly speak he yells and tells me how annoying and stupid and retarded I am. Like the minute he hears my voice he is just overwhelmed with hate and anger and has told me he just can’t even stand to hear me. I am a good attentive to all his needs wife. I have bent over backwards for 3 years to grant all of his desires no matter the hardship put on myself. I just don’t understand where his anger and wrath towards me comes from. We had a 36 second phone conversation today that’s been all, he just came in at 9:40pm (been off work since 4:30...)I asked him if he could at least lay in bed with me and watch some tv and his response was I doubt it and I dare you to ask me again, then he taunts me saying ask me again over and over. I have never seen such unprovoked hatefulness


I was in a sex starved marriage, where I felt much the same way as you do. 

I decided that I would not take, what I considered, abuse anymore. I read lots of relationship books. I figured I would change myself for the better. If I could save my marriage, I would. If I couldn't I would become a better man for the next woman in my life. So I worked hard at learning about relationships and making myself a better partner.

What I learn along the way was that it usually takes two to destroy a marriage. I learned that even though I loved my wife and thought I told her so almost every day, she could not hear or understand me. I was not speaking love in her "love language" (read the book by Chapman's 5 Languages of Love). I figured out how to make her feel loved and cherished. That changed a lot. Ultimately we entered marriage counseling with a sex therapist, who saved our marriage.

What I learned was that over time my wife withdrew from our marriage and then became angry and more angry at me over time, until I felt the way you do.

Your situation may be different, or maybe not. My advice to you is to try to figure out what is really happening and if there is anything you could be doing differently. If you want to end your marriage that is fine, but until you have healed and changed yourself your next relationship will likely have problems, even if it is all your H's fault.

Good luck.


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## aine

Jess, haven't you posted before about how you work long hours, your H has cheated on you, you support his life style, he is almost 10 years younger than you etc?
YOu used your faith as an excuse not to leave him though he has cheated on you and is downright abusive.
Please do not start new threads, the other thread was giving you the advice you need to hear. It is up to you whether you follow the advice or not. You cannot change him. You either get rid of him or suffer on, that is YOUR choice.


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## StarFires

Your husband treats you badly because you allow him to treat you badly. When you stop allowing it, then he won't be around to do it. It's as simple as that. Abuse and infidelity are the only reasons I suggest divorce. Everything else can be fixed if both are willing. In your case, the abuse you get is because you are still sitting there taking it and coming to a forum asking about it. But you should have left long ago because there's nothing else to do about an abusive relationship but to leave. You don't want to leave so as long as you stay, you will be wondering why your husband hates you. He's abusive is the answer. You cannot possibly be good enough as his wife to change that, and there are no books the people here suggest that can change it. Keep taking it or leave. If you leave, you have to stay gone and not let his crying and begging make you change your mind. And he will cry and beg, claim to love you so much, make a million promises to change, and might even threaten suicide to keep you from leaving. It's what they do. But you can't let him wrangle you back into his lair of abuse because that's all the crying and begging and promising will be about. He'll be good for 2 weeks and back to his abusive tricks. I know this means nothing to you. Abused women never listen for some strange reason. But you have to get help for yourself because your self-esteem is in the toilet to keep on taking, and even wanting to take, this crap from him. Stop wondering why he hates you and start asking yourself why on earth it matters to you so darned much. The only thing that should matter to you is why you keep putting up with this kind of treatment. Instead of being desperate for his love, ask why you don't love yourself.


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## Jesswalter75

My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


Most men don't do this. We find a situation as you have described to be incomprehensible outside any legitimately diagnosable mental illness. As most of us are not shrinks, we are largely incapable of answering your question as posed.

We also don't know why any woman would hate, despise, cheat on, or otherwise abuse a good man she claimed to love. Maybe this isn't a gender specific issue.


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## Openminded

You answered your own question. He's an abusive POS. Quit hoping he'll be the husband you want him to be because he never will be.


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## badsanta

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


He probably hates himself, so if you love him he may then just extend that hate onto you.


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## uhtred

I agree with above posters. You can't fix someone who is mentally ill without professional help, and trying to just deal with it will destroy you. You can't make him get treatment, but it is completely reasonable to leave if he doesn't. Mental illness is horrible - and it can destroy not just the affected person but those around him.


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## Inside_Looking_Out

Jesswalter75 said:


> What makes a man hate and resent a good woman?


I once dated this guy, our relationship was passionate and fun and intense at first. No indication of him having any doubts or concerns or being turned off. He was working on becoming a firefighter. On the day of one of his most important tests, I called him later that day to check on him, and to ask him how his test went. We chatted for a bit and then hung up. Two days later, he broke up with me. I was devastated. I asked him where this was coming from. He told me two things. 1) I was too nice. He said it made him feel horrible about himself because I was just plain too nice. 2) He said he knew it was time to break up with me when I asked him about his firefighter's test. He said he wanted to talk about anything other than that test, because it had gone pretty terrible. He said that he thought that I would be a good person to talk to, but all I wanted to do was ask him about that, because of course, I was concerned about him and his day. He said he knew that I was just being a good person, but that it turned him off so incredibly bad that he just didn't want to continue on with the relationship.

I was floored. How could one innocuous query turn someone off so badly?! But then I got to thinking about it. And he was right. I was too nice. Sure we had a lot of fun. It's not like I was a prude in bed by any stretch of the imagination. But all the rest of the time, I catered to his needs, his wants, his moods. And the more I did it, the more angry at himself he became. Because he really didn't like himself all that much. And me 'liking him' when he didn't even like himself, made him think that there must be something wrong with me, and my judgement. 

Now I am not saying I have all the answers. I am on this forum because my relationship with my husband is not going well, at all. But I am saying, from the outside looking in, on what all you have said...you are not going to be able to make this person change their mind about you. He is turned off by you. You might have said one thing...or you might have done a lot of things...that all equal, to him, not seeing you as a person of value or worth. And that is a terrible thing to stay attached to. You have hitched your wagon to a horse with a broken leg. It doesn't matter how great your wheels turn, a horse with a broken leg, is not going to pull it or do any work.


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## Cynthia

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


There are numerous things that would cause a husband to hate his wife, but one of them is when his wife enables his hateful behavior, which you have posted that you are doing. I wrote and article about this that might be helpful to you. How to Get Your Husband to Treat You Better | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## OnTheFly

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


Maybe he's annoyed by the martyr act??

I could be wrong, though.


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## personofinterest

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


Good lord...WE DON'T KNOW.

What are YOU going to do about YOUR life?


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## Cooper

My guess is he hates you because he resents you. But why? That's the million dollar question. It could be that you don't put the lid on the toothpaste or it could be because you don't let him have sex with other women. Could be the way you smell, or maybe you're so wonderful he just can't measure up. Maybe it's because he wants a divorce but is too much a coward so he is forcing you to file so he can play the victim.

Does it matter? If you feel hated why in the world would you stay?


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## Diana7

I don't think he is mentally ill, I just think he is a really horrible, cruel and abusive man. The fact that you are begging him for some crumbs of attention is quite honestly very concerning. You need to separate from this man who will eventually make you ill yourself. 
I don't know how long you have been with him or how long he has been like this, but no one should stay in an abusive marriage. 
Oh and BTW you can pray for him without living with him.
Unless you change the situation nothing will change. This awful life of yours will remain the same. Would you advise a daughter of yours to stay in an abusive marriage like this?

Its your choice.


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## aine

I Know and here goes

1. He is a lowlife piece of work who has been a parasite on you for years. He is also abusive because he regrets that he married a woman much older than him, who is responsible and earns more than him and does everything way better than him. A woman who has been very good to him, more like a mother and he the teenage son.
2. You have enabled him by letting him away with everything, spending money on him, his ill treatment of you, his cheating
3. He has NO RESPECT for you, you are just a means to an end. He does what he wants and still has his comfortable lifestyle funded by you
4. He RESENTS you and everything you represent. For example, you are more hardworking, you earn more, you are good to him in spite of his crappy treatment of you.
5. He cannot get rid of you no matter what he does, he wants to but he doesn't want to look like the bad guy because his image is important to him, much more than your pain. He is ANGRY and feels TRAPPED. If he leaves you, there goes his lifestyle because he is too lazy to get one for himself. There goes his reputation to the outside world.
6. You have taught him how to treat you, you have never set out any boundaries for his bad behavior so he thinks even less of you. You will always be there, (he thinks) no matter what, so he can talk down to you, disrespect you, hurt you........
7. Why wouldn't he be a POS, there are no consequences, you just keep going back for more and asking why why why. You know why.
8. You are older than him and have less options (or so he thinks and you think, which is not true) , he knows you also think little of yourself and uses it against you. You have allowed this abusive man to imprison you when you are the one with all the resources, to dump his ass and leave him with nothing. Go see a lawyer and remove this parasite from your life.

STOP BEING A DOOR MAT and dump your parasitic POS H now. Be prepared to stand up for your own life and values. If you were a friend giving advice, would you tell your friend to put up with it?


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## Mr.Married

The title of this thread should be "What makes a good woman stay with a horrible man? "


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## [email protected]

Jess, stop being a doormat and start your 180. If he doesn't like the 180, tell him he's SOL!


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## PhillyGuy13

Jesswalter75 said:


> What makes a man hate and resent a good woman?


Some people simply aren’t marriage material.

Other people, a much smaller subset, are cruel, sadistic, and evil.

Which you are married to, I’m not sure, but its up to you to find the strength to do decide how much more you are willing to tolerate.


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## manwithnoname

Jesswalter75 said:


> *My question still hasn’t been answered..*.I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


The real question is why do you hate yourself, to allow someone to treat you like this?


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## lucy999

Because he is jealous of you.


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## jlg07

Jess, just this post here -- may benefit you:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...sion/431481-narcissist-run-save-yourself.html


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## 3Xnocharm

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


Because he is a self centered ass. And you continue sit there and allow it. He knows you arent going anywhere and are going to keep kissing his rotten useless ass, so why shouldnt he be a jerk? He enjoys this. 

The WHY doesnt matter. I went through similar with my second husband. I never did get an answer as to why he turned on me like he did, he sure pulled a bait and switch on me. I was good to him, I never cheated, wasnt out partying, wasnt out spending money we didnt have, rarely ever even raised my voice to him. BUT... I LEFT HIM. I divorced his hateful ass and I have never had one second of regret about doing so. I should have done it sooner. 

So stop wasting your time on WHY. Instead ask WHAT the hell are you going to do about it? If the answer is nothing, then this miserable life is YOUR choice. If you change nothing then nothing changes.


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## NobodySpecial

Jesswalter75 said:


> He literally hates me I don’t use the term lightly. He ignores my texts and calls refuses to speak to me at home, when he does happen to very briefly speak he yells and tells me how annoying and stupid and retarded I am. Like the minute he hears my voice he is just overwhelmed with hate and anger and has told me he just can’t even stand to hear me. *I am a good attentive to all his needs wife*.


Why? He sounds like an abusive *******.



> I have bent over backwards for 3 years to grant all of his desires no matter the hardship put on myself. I just don’t understand where his anger and wrath towards me comes from. We had a 36 second phone conversation today that’s been all, he just came in at 9:40pm (been off work since 4:30...)I asked him if he could at least lay in bed with me and watch some tv and his response was I doubt it and I dare you to ask me again, then he taunts me saying ask me again over and over. I have never seen such unprovoked hatefulness


Because he can. And you take it. That is not intended to be mean. I would guess he has the self esteem of a gnat. and putting you down makes him feel better.


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## WorkingWife

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


I'm not a man, but I do know there is an instinct, in animals at least, to attack that which they see as weak or injured.

I have observed this in people too, even myself on rare occasion, where when someone seems too nice, too accommodating, the instinctual reaction is contempt rather than appreciation. And when someone seems really weak, pathetic, helpless, rather than feeling compassion and caring, the reaction is disgust and revulsion.

I have some thoughts on why this is but I really don't know. I can just tell you that it seems counter intuitive, but it is a real, instinctual reaction in many people. Especially jackasses.


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## 3Xnocharm

WorkingWife said:


> I'm not a man, but I do know there is an instinct, in animals at least, to attack that which they see as weak or injured.
> 
> I have observed this in people too, even myself on rare occasion, where *when someone seems too nice, too accommodating, the instinctual reaction is contempt rather than appreciation. And when someone seems really weak, pathetic, helpless, rather than feeling compassion and caring, the reaction is disgust and revulsion.*
> 
> I have some thoughts on why this is but I really don't know. I can just tell you that it seems counter intuitive, but it is a real, instinctual reaction in many people. Especially jackasses.


WorkingWife, I appreciate this insight, given what I went through years ago. It really makes sense. I was GOOD to my ex. He was married for many years before me to a cheating, nutty B. (verified by my stepson) It really does seem counter intuitive, as you said, that instead of appreciating my kind nature, that instead he wanted to destroy it because to him it meant I was weak. 

HE WAS WRONG.


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## turnera

Jesswalter75 said:


> He literally hates me I don’t use the term lightly. He ignores my texts and calls refuses to speak to me at home, when he does happen to very briefly speak he yells and tells me how annoying and stupid and retarded I am. Like the minute he hears my voice he is just overwhelmed with hate and anger and has told me he just can’t even stand to hear me. *I am a good attentive to all his needs wife. I have bent over backwards for 3 years to grant all of his desires no matter the hardship put on myself*. I just don’t understand where his anger and wrath towards me comes from.


This needs to stop.

You need to learn to respect yourself. Would you have married and taken care of a man who you thought would do this to you? I sure hope not. Then why are you doing it now?

The minute my H raises his voice, I leave the room. If he tells me he can't stand to hear me, I'd leave the HOUSE; message received. Why aren't you respecting yourself?


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## oldshirt

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...


Bad people don't like good people and aren't afraid to treat them like dog poop. 

Why good people put up with bad people is way beyond me.


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## oldshirt

The rut you've gotten yourself into here is you think that because you are nice and accommodating and appeasing to him that he will be a good person and be nice to you. 

Wrong answer. 

He is an arse and will always be an arse no matter how nicely you treat him. He is simply a crappy person and you can't transform a crappy person into a good person by appeasing them. The French tried that with Hitler; look how well that turned out for them. 

Bad people are bad people no matter how well good people treat them. 

He hates you because he is a mean, nasty, hateful person and you are a weak target that doesn't defend yourself or stand up for yourself. 

The first time he mistreated you was on him. The other 5,473,936 times have been on you for taking it and putting up with it and continuing to try to 'nice' him into treating you better.


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## Jesswalter75

I’ve tried to stand up to him and that hasn’t ended well for me. He threatens me with horrible repercussions.


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## turnera

Like what? Is he violent? Does he control all the money? Does he have blackmail on you?


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## oldshirt

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’ve tried to stand up to him and that hasn’t ended well for me. He threatens me with horrible repercussions.


which means he's a bad person and you can't change him. 

Your options are live a miserable existence under his tyranny and hope he is merciful from time to time. 


Or get away and live your life without him.


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## MattMatt

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


Because he is a nasty piece of work.

Pray for him, yes.

But it is time you fired him from the job as your husband. He is not up to it.

Not good enough.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


You answered your own question right here.

He's an *abusive POS*.

What magical answer are you looking for? Abusive POS's DON'T shower their women with authentic love and devotion. They're abusive and unloving.

Lastly, you need to find your self respect and dignity. Lying on the floor so an abusive POS can wipe his feet on you every night when he comes through the front door isn't the way to earn anyone's respect, especially your own.


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## turnera

JessWalter, does any of this sound like your marriage?

Humiliating or embarrassing you.
Constant put-downs.
Hypercriticism.
Refusing to communicate.
Ignoring or excluding you.
Extramarital affairs.
Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
Unreasonable jealousy.
Extreme moodiness.
Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
Saying “I love you but…”
Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
Domination and control.
Withdrawal of affection.
Guilt trips.
Making everything your fault.
Isolating you from friends and family.
Using money to control.
Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.


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## waynejoey

Hey Jess,

I'm assuming you guys had a good relationship at some point (the good 'ole days). Right now my guess is your husband is unhappy so he is lashing out.

True understanding can really only come from the holy spirit. Instead of having a me vs. him mindset, understand that between the two of you is God, He is the broker of all things in your marriage. To the poster who said 1 person can't save a marriage, that isn't really true, God can do anything.

I saw the word abuse used in here a few times. If he is physically abusive, then you have the right to get out, and you should. Otherwise if it is not physical, recognize that you are in a spiritual battle and it is time to put on your armor.

When my wife and I were in dire straights, I was convinced she was mentally ill. Nope... I was completely wrong. When a relationship gets jacked up, there is all types of negative behaviors that flare out.

Let us know if you're ready to lay this at the cross and then we'll take the next step.

Praying for ya


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## turnera

*cough cough hogwash cough cough*
No offense, waynejoey, but men are emotional abusers at an alarming rate and it has nothing to do with God or the woman not giving enough to God and everything to do with how the men were raised and their personality. You telling a woman who is CLEARLY being abused to just try harder and be more religious is harmful. 

So you understand, emotional abuse is 10 times worse than physical abuse and much more damaging because the woman AND her family/friends tend to negate the damage of abuse because you can't see bruises or broken bones - and thus the woman AND the family/friends are much more likely to say just get over it and stay, even when the man will never stop. Like you are doing.


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## personofinterest

waynejoey said:


> Hey Jess,
> 
> I'm assuming you guys had a good relationship at some point (the good 'ole days). Right now my guess is your husband is unhappy so he is lashing out.
> 
> True understanding can really only come from the holy spirit. Instead of having a me vs. him mindset, understand that between the two of you is God, He is the broker of all things in your marriage. To the poster who said 1 person can't save a marriage, that isn't really true, God can do anything.
> 
> I saw the word abuse used in here a few times. If he is physically abusive, then you have the right to get out, and you should. Otherwise if it is not physical, recognize that you are in a spiritual battle and it is time to put on your armor.
> 
> When my wife and I were in dire straights, I was convinced she was mentally ill. Nope... I was completely wrong. When a relationship gets jacked up, there is all types of negative behaviors that flare out.
> 
> Let us know if you're ready to lay this at the cross and then we'll take the next step.
> 
> Praying for ya <a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smile.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" ></a>


This is like the pastor who told my friend to pray and submit more when her husband caused her to miscarry. This is a terrible twisting of "spiritual" advice.


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## aine

I am a Christian and I agree totally with the last two posts. Too many wives are told by "men" in spiritual authority to put up or shut up and the question I ask, where is the man's responsibility? Isn't he supposed to love his wife and give himself as Christ give himself for the church, as in sacrificially. It's the same response for women who live with alcoholics and other addicts. 

This is one of the reasons I am becoming a little fed up with organised religion, it is still misogynistic in many ways open to Man's interpretation, meanwhile poor abused women continue to suffer on.
God never asked his daughters to be doormats!


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## waynejoey

I never suggested being a doormat. There is a calm, assertive way to confront this husband with God by your side.

I was emotionally abused too, for over 7 months, and I saved my marriage. Now my kids get to grow up with their parents together. Was it not worth it?


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## 3Xnocharm

waynejoey said:


> I saw the word abuse used in here a few times. If he is physically abusive, then you have the right to get out, and you should. Otherwise if it is not physical, recognize that you are in a spiritual battle and it is time to put on your armor.


Um, you "have the right" to get out at any time, Jess, emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical, and dont listen to ANYONE who tells you that you must stay in this. You do NOT have to stay and allow yourself to be treated like crap. And prayer doesnt make things just go away, your husband would have to make a conscious choice to stop being an ass, and that isnt going to happen. Pray for strength and courage but dont fool yourself that prayer will change who he is.


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## turnera

waynejoey said:


> I never suggested being a doormat. There is a calm, assertive way to confront this husband with God by your side.
> 
> I was emotionally abused too, for over 7 months, and I saved my marriage. Now my kids get to grow up with their parents together. Was it not worth it?


"Emotional abuse" for 7 months and then it stopped? Uh ok. I take it you've never done any research on abuse. It might behoove you to learn more about it before telling a woman who's been living with it to just calmly confront an abuser.

I'm really not trying to dis you, but telling an abused woman to just stay and fix it herself CAN result in her harm, or her kids.


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## Girl_power

Jesswalter75 said:


> I definitely believe him to be mentally unbalanced and when I’ve tried to suggest going to speak to a doctor he flat refuses saying he doesn’t need medication bc there’s nothing wrong with him....he only has normal conversations with me when he basically needs something from me. He is an extreme narcissist.




You also might be mentally unbalanced to stay with him.


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## ConanHub

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Girl_power said:


> You also might be mentally unbalanced to stay with him.


Please consider that you are not healthy and in need of a health Care professional.

You are important too!


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## waynejoey

I think instead of arguing amongst ourselves we need Jess to provide some feedback. Clearly a bunch of people have told her (both online and offline) to not put up with any type of abuse. Maybe we can go a level deeper. Why does she stay? She has "stood up to him", what did that look like? What options does she have?

Jess is under duress, but we need more info so we can get prescriptive, hopefully she has the time and energy to elaborate.


----------



## Jesswalter75

I stay because I love him and I take my vows very seriously. I am thought about leaving and pray a lot about this, I feel as though everyone else has given up on him and no one else cares enough to stick by his side and try to get him the help he needs. His family all agree that he is definitely not mentally well but basically say oh well, that’s him we can’t do anything about it. What type of person would that make me so just walk away from someone I love and want to see well. In my opinion it would speak volumes and make me to be a selfish woman only worried about my wellbeing. Yes I’m sad and lonely a lot but there was a time we were incredibly happy and I do believe that God can put us back there. I’m not crazy, I’m just an honestly selfless person. I do love and care and put others before me and as long as I have what I need I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a home that I own with no mortgage as well as vehicles, boats, ATV’s, and a job. My needs are all met and I trust that God will work within my husband and I both and restore happiness. I just want my husband to get the help he so desperately needs


----------



## Jesswalter75

I stay because I love him and I take my vows very seriously. I am thought about leaving and pray a lot about this, I feel as though everyone else has given up on him and no one else cares enough to stick by his side and try to get him the help he needs. His family all agree that he is definitely not mentally well but basically say oh well, that’s him we can’t do anything about it. What type of person would that make me so just walk away from someone I love and want to see well. In my opinion it would speak volumes and make me to be a selfish woman only worried about my wellbeing. Yes I’m sad and lonely a lot but there was a time we were incredibly happy and I do believe that God can put us back there. I’m not crazy, I’m just an honestly selfless person. I do love and care and put others before me and as long as I have what I need I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a home that I own with no mortgage as well as vehicles, boats, ATV’s, and a job. My needs are all met and I trust that God will work within my husband and I both and restore happiness. I just want my husband to get the help he so desperately needs


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Jesswalter75 said:


> I stay because I love him and I take my vows very seriously. I am thought about leaving and pray a lot about this, I feel as though everyone else has given up on him and no one else cares enough to stick by his side and try to get him the help he needs. His family all agree that he is definitely not mentally well but basically say oh well, that’s him we can’t do anything about it. What type of person would that make me so just walk away from someone I love and want to see well. In my opinion it would speak volumes and make me to be a selfish woman only worried about my wellbeing. Yes I’m sad and lonely a lot but there was a time we were incredibly happy and I do believe that God can put us back there. I’m not crazy, I’m just an honestly selfless person. I do love and care and put others before me and as long as I have what I need I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a home that I own with no mortgage as well as vehicles, boats, ATV’s, and a job. My needs are all met and I trust that God will work within my husband and I both and restore happiness. I just want my husband to get the help he so desperately needs


You cannot fix him. Only HE can fix himself, and he clearly doesnt see anything wrong with his behavior, so he is NOT going to change. Love isnt enough. Prayer isnt enough. He thinks how he treats you is ok, and as long as you stay there and allow him to continue, he has zero reason to ever think about making a change. He isnt going to get himself any help. Marriage isnt about sacrificing yourself to abuse. No man should treat his wife in this way. I hope you dont have children watching you do this.


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## jlg07

Jess, God helps those that help themselves. Your husband will not do anything to get help unless something prods him into doing it. He won't wake up without something to snap him out of it.
You saying you will divorce him MAY be the trigger to do that (you can always stop the divorce when you want to).
Maybe you know of a better way to kick that trigger in his head to wake up and seek help -- I don't know.

YOU taking all of this abuse is not a loving relationship.


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## WorkingWife

aine said:


> I am a Christian and I agree totally with the last two posts. Too many wives are told by "men" in spiritual authority to put up or shut up and the question I ask, where is the man's responsibility? Isn't he supposed to love his wife and give himself as Christ give himself for the church, as in sacrificially. It's the same response for women who live with alcoholics and other addicts.
> 
> This is one of the reasons I am becoming a little fed up with organised religion, it is still misogynistic in many ways open to Man's interpretation, meanwhile poor abused women continue to suffer on.
> God never asked his daughters to be doormats!


Exactly, there are TWO people who take vows in a marriage. I think it is evil for a person in a position of influence, like a religious advisor/leader, to tell one of those two people God wants her to live in constant emotional pain and mistreatment because she took vows, when the other person is not keeping up their vows. I know plenty of strong Christians who say marriage is a two way street and you don't get divorced for no reason or a bad reason, but your spouse breaking THEIR vows to you IS a legitimate reason.


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## turnera

Did you look at my list, Jess? If you find yourself on that list, then the ONLY way to help your husband is for you to first get help for YOURSELF. We can explain. How many items on that list are you encountering?


----------



## WorkingWife

Jesswalter75 said:


> I stay because I love him and I take my vows very seriously. I am thought about leaving and pray a lot about this, I feel as though everyone else has given up on him and no one else cares enough to stick by his side and try to get him the help he needs. His family all agree that he is definitely not mentally well but basically say oh well, that’s him we can’t do anything about it. What type of person would that make me so just walk away from someone I love and want to see well. In my opinion it would speak volumes and make me to be a selfish woman only worried about my wellbeing. Yes I’m sad and lonely a lot but there was a time we were incredibly happy and I do believe that God can put us back there. I’m not crazy, I’m just an honestly selfless person. I do love and care and put others before me and as long as I have what I need I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a home that I own with no mortgage as well as vehicles, boats, ATV’s, and a job. My needs are all met and I trust that God will work within my husband and I both and restore happiness. I just want my husband to get the help he so desperately needs


But Jess, staying with a man who is mentally ill or has whatever problem he has, and is choosing to not get help is NOT "selfless." It's weak on your part, but it is not selfless. By staying there you enable him to stay ill. He has no need to get the help he needs because he has you. *All your love and caring does is give positive reinforcement to his bad behavior. You are part of his problem*.

A couple stories for you:
I have a brother who has been alcoholic all his life and I recently learned addicted to heroin most of it too. When he got to an age where he could no longer physically pull this off while working for a living he spiraled downward quickly and called on me for help when his wife kicked him out. For about 3 weeks I was on the phone with him constantly while he got me to buy him a plane ticket to my Mom's, then a train ticket to a city where he supposedly had a job waiting, then a bus ticket back to my Mom's - where my 90 year old mom and step dad were willing to get up at 5:30 AM daily to take him for outpatient heroine help. But no, nothing was ever right. He would tell me constantly he was going to kill himself. FINALLY when he "had to get out of this town..." from my Mom's place I realized he had no intention of quitting drugs. I refused to help him anymore. Naturally he turned beyond nasty to me, and the fool ended up smashing his own cell phone in a fit of rage because I wouldn't send him more money. 

It was very hard and scary for me. He was out there homeless, a drug addict, wandering the streets. But I understood that my "Help" was NOT "helping" - long story short when there was no more help he pulled his head out of his arse. He had been diagnosed bipolar at two emergency rooms where he'd turned himself in for suicide. He someone got home and his wife took him back on a 1 day to 1 day basis. He got HIMSELF to the local health clinic and got properly diagnosed. Started taking some "head meds" as he calls them. that was about a year ago. He has a job, he and his wife are really happy, he still gets down but exercises a lot and rides it out now that he better understands what's going on and the meds definitely help.

If his wife had not kicked him out. And if I had kept financially supporting his deranged, little "walkabout" he never would have pulled it together.

The kindest thing you can do for your husband is STOP ENCOURAGING HIS BAD BEHAVIOR. *YOU *need to stop trying to play God. In what way do you think you staying with him when he behaves like this is helping him? God gave your husband free will just like the rest of us. You can't fix him. *You are hurting him*. He either desires to fix himself or does not.

My ex husband was on a special diet and couldn't/wouldn't cook. All our marriage I dreamed of cooking together. He wouldn't even consider it. When we divorced I actually made several months worth of food for him that he could take out of the freezer. We were on friendly terms and he asked me if I'd make more when I came through town. I love to cook and was happy to do this, but my new boyfriend was NOT on board with the idea of me cooking for my pathetic ex! So I didn't. *I was really worried about him*. How would he live on his special diet without me cooking for him?

You know what - the most amazing miracle happened. Months later I dropped our dog off to stay with him while I was going on a road trip. He offered me something to eat. Some chicken thigh dish. OMG it was SO GOOD. I figured it was premade from costco. BUT NO. Not only had he learned to cook (out of necessity) he had totally embraced it and he now LOVES to cook.

Jess - please stop hurting yourself and your husband by thinking God wants you to save him. I think God wants you to save both of you by gaining the inner strength to step aside.


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## NobodySpecial

Girl_power said:


> You also might be mentally unbalanced to stay with him.


Was that helpful in ANY way? OP - in my opinion you should disregard this not very nice, not relevant, and not true post.


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## Girl_power

NobodySpecial said:


> Was that helpful in ANY way? OP - in my opinion you should disregard this not very nice, not relevant, and not true post.




I think it is helpful. People don’t change. You can’t change people. This is who he is. Why would anyone put up with someone who doesn’t respect them? The answer to that is someone who is mentally unstable or someone who has been victimized due to emotional abuse.


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## Jesswalter75

The only person I’ve ever been abused by is him, I had a very good upbringing and also a very loving good first marriage for many many years. I screwed that up on my own by being unfaithful, maybe I feel as though this is my punishment


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## ConanHub

Jesswalter75 said:


> The only person I’ve ever been abused by is him, I had a very good upbringing and also a very loving good first marriage for many many years. I screwed that up on my own by being unfaithful, maybe I feel as though this is my punishment


Your punishment was losing your first marriage. It was well earned but what you are going through now isn't.

Even if you cheated on this one, I would not say you deserve abuse. Cheaters don't deserve to keep their betrayed spouses but they don't deserve systematic, chronic abuse like you are going through.

Sorry about your first marriage.


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## ConanHub

NobodySpecial said:


> Was that helpful in ANY way? OP - in my opinion you should disregard this not very nice, not relevant, and not true post.


I disagree. She is not in exhibiting healthy behavior at all by rationalizing her abuse.

That is very unhealthy.

I don't believe Girl was being insulting.


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## aine

Jesswalter75 said:


> I stay because I love him and I take my vows very seriously. I am thought about leaving and pray a lot about this, I feel as though everyone else has given up on him and no one else cares enough to stick by his side and try to get him the help he needs. His family all agree that he is definitely not mentally well but basically say oh well, that’s him we can’t do anything about it. What type of person would that make me so just walk away from someone I love and want to see well. In my opinion it would speak volumes and make me to be a selfish woman only worried about my wellbeing. Yes I’m sad and lonely a lot but there was a time we were incredibly happy and I do believe that God can put us back there. I’m not crazy, I’m just an honestly selfless person. I do love and care and put others before me and as long as I have what I need I feel like there’s nothing wrong with that. I have a home that I own with no mortgage as well as vehicles, boats, ATV’s, and a job. My needs are all met and I trust that God will work within my husband and I both and restore happiness. I just want my husband to get the help he so desperately needs


I understand what you are saying but staying in the situation may not give him the impetus to change. You are basically enabling him to continue in his behavior. It is the same with an alcoholic or an addict. 

I would recommend that you read the Christian book by Dr James Dobson called Love Must Be Tough. This book clearly sets out the need to hold the ones we love accountable. He clearly shows how sometimes the 'advice' given in traditional Christian circles is harmful and destructive but the book follows biblical principles.

Jesus was loving, gentle and kind but he was not a push over, remember the sellers in the temple? Time and time again, God disciplines the ones he loves in the bible, sometimes that discipline is painful and He takes action when the people do not listen to his gentle voice. Please do not think you must be a doormat.


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## turnera

aine, I think you meant will NOT give him the impetus to change?


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## TJW

Jesswalter75 said:


> maybe I feel as though this is my punishment


There can be great credence in what you say here.

Dr. Phil says that we all have a "personal truth", and that we subconsciously control our own lives based upon it. 

Is it true that you feel you "deserve" to be hated ? Is your current husband a "surrogate" for your first husband from whom you expected hate ?

Is it true that if your marital situation had been the reverse, him cheating on you, would you have hated him ?

When you cheated on your first husband, did you do that because you hated him? Or, were you simply trying to get your own needs met, and it really had very little to do with him ?

Is it possible your first husband could have interpreted your actions as "hate" ?

I want to echo @aine's recommendation of "Love Must Be Tough". @aine is absolutely right, the advice given in some Christian circles is horrendously wrong and unbiblical. This book is very true to God's word.



Jesswalter75 said:


> I just want my husband to get the help he so desperately needs


Yes, and Dr. Dobson provides a workable plan with that central view. I think God is pleased with that book, and I think God is pleased with your desires for your husband, as you expressed, and your desire to honor Him in your marriage. If you read that book, I believe God will "speak" through His servant Dr. Dobson. I also believe God can work in you, your husband, and your marriage.


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## vincent3

deleted


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## red oak

WorkingWife said:


> I'm not a man, but I do know there is an instinct, in animals at least, to *attack that which they see as weak or injured.*
> 
> I have observed this in people too, even myself on rare occasion, where when someone seems too nice, too accommodating, the instinctual reaction is contempt rather than appreciation. And when someone seems really weak, pathetic, helpless, rather than feeling compassion and caring, the reaction is disgust and revulsion.
> 
> I have some thoughts on why this is but I really don't know. I can just tell you that it seems counter intuitive, but it is a real, instinctual reaction in many people. Especially jackasses.


In humans such isn't a natural instinct. 
I'm the opposite. I've lost a couple jobs standing up for those weak or injured ones being attacked or belittled. 

The reason for such behavior is interesting anecdote.


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## red oak

Perhaps you are asking the wrong question? If all you say is true what is it about yourself makes you tolerate being treated as though he has arachnophobia and you are the spider?


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## StillSearching

Hate and anger manifest from depression.


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## StillSearching

red oak said:


> Perhaps you are asking the wrong question? If all you say is true what is it about yourself makes you tolerate being treated as though he has *agoraphobia* and you are the spider?


arachnophobia


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## WorkingWife

red oak said:


> In humans such isn't a natural instinct.
> I'm the opposite. I've lost a couple jobs standing up for those weak or injured ones being attacked or belittled.
> 
> The reason for such behavior is interesting anecdote.


I am like you in that my instinct is to protect and defend too. However, I have definitely seen some people act this way. And while it's not my typical reaction there have been a few times when someone was behaving really pathetic, weak, helpless and rather than coddling them my desire was to smack them across the face and say "snap out of it!"


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## 3Xnocharm

WorkingWife said:


> I am like you in that my instinct is to protect and defend too. However, I have definitely seen some people act this way.* And while it's not my typical reaction there have been a few times when someone was behaving really pathetic, weak, helpless and rather than coddling them my desire was to smack them across the face and say "snap out of it!"*


I feel this here on TAM a LOT... :wink2:


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## red oak

WorkingWife said:


> I am like you in that my instinct is to protect and defend too. However, I have definitely seen some people act this way. And while it's not my typical reaction there have been a few times when someone was behaving really pathetic, weak, helpless and rather than coddling them my desire was to smack them across the face and say "snap out of it!"


LOL. That's different! :smile2:


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## BruceBanner

Jesswalter75 said:


> He literally hates me I don’t use the term lightly. He ignores my texts and calls refuses to speak to me at home, when he does happen to very briefly speak he yells and tells me how annoying and stupid and retarded I am. Like the minute he hears my voice he is just overwhelmed with hate and anger and has told me he just can’t even stand to hear me. I am a good attentive to all his needs wife. I have bent over backwards for 3 years to grant all of his desires no matter the hardship put on myself. I just don’t understand where his anger and wrath towards me comes from. We had a 36 second phone conversation today that’s been all, he just came in at 9:40pm (been off work since 4:30...)I asked him if he could at least lay in bed with me and watch some tv and his response was I doubt it and I dare you to ask me again, then he taunts me saying ask me again over and over. I have never seen such unprovoked hatefulness


It sounds like you should've divorced and left a long time.


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## Jesswalter75

I’m not perfect but I am do a damn well job. I work 70 plus hours a week pay in ENTIREITY all bills, etc (I have no idea what he does with his money I don’t Even ask). If he mentions wanting or needing anything at all from a can of dip to something big and expensive I make sure he has it as soon as possible. I work and come home banished to my room alone. I send a text every single morning without fail that simply states I love you and hope you have a wonderful day....that hasn’t been answered in at least a year but I still send without fail or hesitation. I try to facilitate a phone call sometime in early afternoon that is almost always ignored. He only calls me when he needs something from me basically. If he does call to complain about something I stop on my way home and pick up a goodie bag of his favorite things and throw a roll of dip in as well. He asks me not to speak bc my voice is just annoying so I stay quiet and don’t leave my room. I’m not perfect but I try to do exactly as he asks of me. He is very hate filled and extremely cruel, I never let his behavior reflect mine. Just because he treats me badly doesn’t give me the right to follow suit, I treat him with the respect and love a wife should their husband. I have spoiled him beyond rotten I know this. Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....sent him the usual text Earlier today before lunch while I was at work, haven’t heard a word from him. Got home about an hour ago at 6pm he’s not home. I haven’t spoken to him since 2pm yesterday afternoon before he left.


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## 3Xnocharm

You are enabling your own abuse. You need to get out. NOW. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’m not perfect but I am do a damn well job. I work 70 plus hours a week pay in ENTIREITY all bills, etc (I have no idea what he does with his money I don’t Even ask). If he mentions wanting or needing anything at all from a can of dip to something big and expensive I make sure he has it as soon as possible. I work and come home banished to my room alone. I send a text every single morning without fail that simply states I love you and hope you have a wonderful day....that hasn’t been answered in at least a year but I still send without fail or hesitation. I try to facilitate a phone call sometime in early afternoon that is almost always ignored. He only calls me when he needs something from me basically. If he does call to complain about something I stop on my way home and pick up a goodie bag of his favorite things and throw a roll of dip in as well. He asks me not to speak bc my voice is just annoying so I stay quiet and don’t leave my room. I’m not perfect but I try to do exactly as he asks of me. He is very hate filled and extremely cruel, I never let his behavior reflect mine. Just because he treats me badly doesn’t give me the right to follow suit, I treat him with the respect and love a wife should their husband. I have spoiled him beyond rotten I know this. Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....sent him the usual text Earlier today before lunch while I was at work, haven’t heard a word from him. Got home about an hour ago at 6pm he’s not home. I haven’t spoken to him since 2pm yesterday afternoon before he left.


You are extremely codependent and enabling to the point of basically not being in touch with reality. This is almost a psychosis. 

My take is you are out of touch with reality and are here seeking affirmation that you are doing right and are wanting strokes and praise for your sacrifice and your Pollyanna demeanor in the face of terrible cruelty and abuse. 

But you aren't doing the right thing by staying with him and you do not deserve praise for allowing yourself to be harmed and you certainly do not deserve support in your loving mannerisms towards a monster that harms you and crushes your soul. 

I/we cannot support you in allowing yourself to be harmed and mistreated. 

The support that you need and that you deserve would have to be directed towards advocating for your own well being and getting away from the evil tyrant that abuses and harms you. 

If you are not calling the police and reporting his assaults, and if you are not seeking counseling from a domestic abuse agency and if you are not seeking legal assistance towards divorce and if you are not packing your bags and making preparations to get away from him, then we can not help you. 

People can offer you advice and coaching to protect yourself and to get away from him. But we can not offer you advice and support on how to endure extreme violence and abuse and harm. And I for one am certainly not going to stand here and praise you for your endurance and sacrifice and ability to take abuse and to keep on sending "I love you's" to a hideous monster that harms you. 

Pack your bags and flee in the middle of the night and people will give you righteous praise and support. 

Taking a beating and responding back with smiles and 'I love you's' the next day to an evil creature does not deserve praise and support.


----------



## oldshirt

additionally, I am an NRA firearms instructor and range safety officer, former military, concealed handgun permit holder and uncompromising 2nd Amendment supporter. 

But providing a gun to a domestic abuser is not only dumb and crazy but even potentially illegal. 

I realize he is likely not a convicted domestic abuser because he's never been reported, but convicted domestic abusers are not allowed to be in possession of firearms and a person provide a gun to someone legally barred from possessing a firearm is also committing a crime. 

You have lost touch with reality and IMHO are not in control of your own faculties. 

Please seek professional assistance from a licensed mental health professional and domestic abuse professional ASAP.


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## oldshirt

NobodySpecial said:


> Was that helpful in ANY way? OP - in my opinion you should disregard this not very nice, not relevant, and not true post.


I also believe Jess is mentally unhealthy and not in touch with reality and that she needs immediate intervention and mental health care. 

Now one can argue that chronic, systemic abuse may the contributing factor to her mental state, but the fact remains IMHO that she is not in touch with reality and not in control of her faculties. 

I believe that her behavior is dangerous and a risk to her own well being and physical safety. (she provided a firearm to someone who systematically beats and abuses her who is not legally eligible to possess a firearm (domestic abuse and abuse of drugs/alcohol and mentally ill))

Girl was stating her opinion and observations based on information being provided and was not stated as an insult or derogatory manner to OP.


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## Adelais

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’ve tried to stand up to him and that hasn’t ended well for me. He threatens me with horrible repercussions.


Can you tell us what repercussions? If you tell us in detail, we can help you find a solution to each one.

Actually, it doesn't matter what his "repercussions" or threats are. If a person threatens the other person, it is time to end the relationship.

Speak with a lawyer tomorrow and find out what your rights are. Then file for divorce. This man is never going to treat you better. He has been treating you worse than a person treats an annoying animal for years. Why do you put up with it for even one more day?

If he threatens you physically, file a police report and get a restraining order. There are remedies for all his threats. You just don't know them. When you find out what your rights are, you won't put up with his cr*p anymore.


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## 3Xnocharm

The problem is he isn’t just threatening her, he is actually physically assaulting her. And instead of calling the police and getting out of his life, she keeps telling him that she loves him instead. Please read her last post. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Violet28

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’m not perfect but I am do a damn well job. I work 70 plus hours a week pay in ENTIREITY all bills, etc (I have no idea what he does with his money I don’t Even ask). If he mentions wanting or needing anything at all from a can of dip to something big and expensive I make sure he has it as soon as possible. I work and come home banished to my room alone. I send a text every single morning without fail that simply states I love you and hope you have a wonderful day....that hasn’t been answered in at least a year but I still send without fail or hesitation. I try to facilitate a phone call sometime in early afternoon that is almost always ignored. He only calls me when he needs something from me basically. If he does call to complain about something I stop on my way home and pick up a goodie bag of his favorite things and throw a roll of dip in as well. He asks me not to speak bc my voice is just annoying so I stay quiet and don’t leave my room. I’m not perfect but I try to do exactly as he asks of me. He is very hate filled and extremely cruel, I never let his behavior reflect mine. Just because he treats me badly doesn’t give me the right to follow suit, I treat him with the respect and love a wife should their husband. I have spoiled him beyond rotten I know this. Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....sent him the usual text Earlier today before lunch while I was at work, haven’t heard a word from him. Got home about an hour ago at 6pm he’s not home. I haven’t spoken to him since 2pm yesterday afternoon before he left.


You cannot fix someone, they have to do it on their own. The best thing you can do for him is walk away. He could kill you, do you realize that?


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## jlg07

Jess:
"..he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because "
PLEASE GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION right now. You SHOULD NOT allow him to beat you in ANY WAY. If he does it again, you NEED to call 911.
You should contact a womans shelter where you live about this -- you need to protect yourself.
Being a great wife to a man like this is NO WAY to live. You should be loved and appreciated, not beaten.


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## bobsmith

To answer your question, and I have not read all responses, it seems your husband has lost all attraction. I am NOT trying to belittle you but I have seen where the woman gains weight or something, and a pathetic man will respond by being a complete *******. 

Even if you have gained weight or look great, this is the type of man you need to accept as 'not a good person' and get out! Do NOT, and I repeat NOT, try to better yourself in hopes of reclaiming your husband. That is not a good person, period. 

I watched as a friend treated his girlfriend badly. Not physical abuse, but certainly verbal. I now watch as he is lovey dovey with new flame because she looks better. IMO, the second that a relationship gets to physical abuse, it is time to get out. Now, I did have a girlfriend slap me once but I certainly deserved it and I most certainly did not retaliate. 

If you are fearful, you need to start lining up your cards which will probably include a protection order and request cop presence when one of you leaves. It won't be pretty and you need to make an clean escape. If you don't heed that advice, you are setting yourself up for legal complications. 

I will say, as a man, I have not once felt the need to physically or emotionally abuse a partner, regardless of how the relationship is going. That will NEVER be acceptable from EITHER party. You can blame his behavior on nearly anything, but unless it stems from a TBI, or other acute brain malfunction, you need to GET OUT and do it in ONE SWIFT ACT. This sounds like the type that will lose it and hurt you if you don't have backup. Cops will most certainly stand by while one of you leaves.

EDIT: just to add to this, you sound like you will make someone an amazing partner! Don't let this ruin you. Not all men act like this. However, you are going way over the top trying to be nice and buy him things. That doesn't work. It should be reciprocal. Your safety is literally in the balance here and you need to see that. I would encourage you to build up your character in the future and do not try to buy a man's affection. Men that accept and like this are IMO shallow people.

EDIT: At least this thread made me txt someone to tell them I appreciate them. I don't do that enough.


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## nekonamida

Jesswalter75 said:


> Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....


Jess, WAKE THE **** UP!

You just bought him the gun that he may very well use to kill you. Do you have kids? Do you want them to be without a mom or to grow up and be in a marriage as terrible as yours? Get out!

Reach out to family and friends. Get out of there! Get a therapist for yourself. Google abuse shelters in your area and call one. If you value your life in any shape or form, get out now!


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## EleGirl

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’m not perfect but I am do a damn well job. I work 70 plus hours a week pay in ENTIREITY all bills, etc (I have no idea what he does with his money I don’t Even ask). If he mentions wanting or needing anything at all from a can of dip to something big and expensive I make sure he has it as soon as possible. I work and come home banished to my room alone. I send a text every single morning without fail that simply states I love you and hope you have a wonderful day....that hasn’t been answered in at least a year but I still send without fail or hesitation. I try to facilitate a phone call sometime in early afternoon that is almost always ignored. He only calls me when he needs something from me basically. If he does call to complain about something I stop on my way home and pick up a goodie bag of his favorite things and throw a roll of dip in as well. He asks me not to speak bc my voice is just annoying so I stay quiet and don’t leave my room. I’m not perfect but I try to do exactly as he asks of me. He is very hate filled and extremely cruel, I never let his behavior reflect mine. Just because he treats me badly doesn’t give me the right to follow suit, I treat him with the respect and love a wife should their husband. I have spoiled him beyond rotten I know this. Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....sent him the usual text Earlier today before lunch while I was at work, haven’t heard a word from him. Got home about an hour ago at 6pm he’s not home. I haven’t spoken to him since 2pm yesterday afternoon before he left.


How are you today? After reading this I'm really worried about you.

Please respond. I have some things I'd like to bring up but will wait until I see you are online.


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## MattMatt

@Jesswalter75 Please use this resource:-

https://www.thehotline.org/


> National Domestic Violence Hotline can help victims, survivors of domestic violence. ... Helping you plan for your safety is extremely important to us


https://www.thehotline.org/blog/get-help-today/


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## turnera

This thread is getting a little beyond the pale.


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## Adelais

Jesswalter75 said:


> The only person I’ve ever been abused by is him, I had a very good upbringing and also a very loving good first marriage for many many years. I screwed that up on my own by being unfaithful, maybe I feel as though this is my punishment


Jess, you got your punishment for cheating on your first husband when he divorced you. This next husband shouldn't have married you if he thought your cheating on your first husband was a problem for him.

What steps are you taking to protect yourself from further abuse by him? Have you contacted the hotline MattMatt posted?


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## threelittlestars

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’m not perfect but I am do a damn well job. I work 70 plus hours a week pay in ENTIREITY all bills, etc (I have no idea what he does with his money I don’t Even ask). If he mentions wanting or needing anything at all from a can of dip to something big and expensive I make sure he has it as soon as possible. I work and come home banished to my room alone. I send a text every single morning without fail that simply states I love you and hope you have a wonderful day....that hasn’t been answered in at least a year but I still send without fail or hesitation. I try to facilitate a phone call sometime in early afternoon that is almost always ignored. He only calls me when he needs something from me basically. If he does call to complain about something I stop on my way home and pick up a goodie bag of his favorite things and throw a roll of dip in as well. He asks me not to speak bc my voice is just annoying so I stay quiet and don’t leave my room. I’m not perfect but I try to do exactly as he asks of me. He is very hate filled and extremely cruel, I never let his behavior reflect mine. Just because he treats me badly doesn’t give me the right to follow suit, I treat him with the respect and love a wife should their husband. I have spoiled him beyond rotten I know this. Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....sent him the usual text Earlier today before lunch while I was at work, haven’t heard a word from him. Got home about an hour ago at 6pm he’s not home. I haven’t spoken to him since 2pm yesterday afternoon before he left.



I think you just got him his murder weapon to use against you. Lady.... I get abuse can break you but you have absolutely ZERO back bone. He should go to jail and you get a restraining order on him. Convincing him to get help will do ZERO. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. HE is TOOOOO FAR GONE ABUSIVE TO EVER CHANGE. I really pity you because I can already tell you lack the strength, sense or intellect (sorry harsh) to get out of this terrible marriage. 

Smarten up, get evidence of the abuse and land him in jail. make him lose his job and prove that ALL OF YOUR MONEY has been paying bills. I bet you have a very good case to maintain the home. 

YOU need to get out. But if you don't, I hope you rest in peace. I will pray for you, and your soul. I don't think you will be long in this world with the path you follow.


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## LeGenDary_Man

Jesswalter75 said:


> I’m not perfect but I am do a damn well job. I work 70 plus hours a week pay in ENTIREITY all bills, etc (I have no idea what he does with his money I don’t Even ask). If he mentions wanting or needing anything at all from a can of dip to something big and expensive I make sure he has it as soon as possible. I work and come home banished to my room alone. I send a text every single morning without fail that simply states I love you and hope you have a wonderful day....that hasn’t been answered in at least a year but I still send without fail or hesitation. I try to facilitate a phone call sometime in early afternoon that is almost always ignored. He only calls me when he needs something from me basically. If he does call to complain about something I stop on my way home and pick up a goodie bag of his favorite things and throw a roll of dip in as well. He asks me not to speak bc my voice is just annoying so I stay quiet and don’t leave my room. I’m not perfect but I try to do exactly as he asks of me. He is very hate filled and extremely cruel, I never let his behavior reflect mine. Just because he treats me badly doesn’t give me the right to follow suit, I treat him with the respect and love a wife should their husband. I have spoiled him beyond rotten I know this. Our anniversary is tomorrow I got him an expensive gun he’s been wanting. He spent the three hours he was home with me (I finally had a rare day off....he was awake and home with me from 11am-2pm) beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs....sent him the usual text Earlier today before lunch while I was at work, haven’t heard a word from him. Got home about an hour ago at 6pm he’s not home. I haven’t spoken to him since 2pm yesterday afternoon before he left.


Your disclosures suggest that your relationship is beyond salvation at this point. And you bought him a freaking gun - what were you thinking? Damn.

Your options for now:-

1. Reach out to your parents and request them to allow you stay in their home for a while. If your parents are not in the picture then contact a brother or sister or a close friend. Separation is important at this stage for you to think clearly, and for your personal safety. Do not tell your husband that you will be staying in another home for a while; just move out without telling him.
2. Consider *individual counseling* for your mental well-being.
3. Consider taking LEGAL advice as in LAWYER UP - ASAP.

I would caution you in regards to threatening your husband with consequences on your own at this stage since he is armed. Just let him know that you cannot live with him under present circumstances and he should consider Individual Counseling to clear his mind. And he need to dispose his gun as well.


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## vincent3

Jesswalter75 said:


> beating me and telling me how stupid I was because I didn’t have him come meet me at the store to purchase it. His exact words were you didn’t do anything nice for me bc u didn’t get me to come meet you, you think you do nice **** for me but you don’t ****ing do anything right you **** everything up, just admit it you’re a ****ing idiot....all while repeatedly slapping the **** out of me in the face and head, he’s quite careful not to leave marks on me but my head is covered in gooseggs


_If you haven't already gotten out of there, do that now!_ You have been given links to resources, so use them. Are your parents willing and able to support you through this?

I will delete my post above, because it's irrelevant in light the physical abuse you're now telling us about.


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## Jesswalter75

My parents have passed away. So I don’t really have any type of support system.


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## turnera

Nonsense. Make your own.


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## threelittlestars

Jesswalter75 said:


> My parents have passed away. So I don’t really have any type of support system.


You know, you are just SO FULL OF CRAP excuses... 

You are in not just an abusive marriage, but a DANGEROUS one. 
You are not leaving, 
You are not being proactive, 
you are JUST coming here asking how to MAKE your EVIL husband actually be a human. GUESS WHAT? We cant help you with that. 

You are the creator of your universe. IF YOU WANT IT TO BE A GOOD LIFE, you are just going to have to do something to make that happen.

You are choosing to be weak. Strength is a choice. Not an easy one, granted, but you DO have a choice in life. As the main bread winner, you HAVE MORE cards than you think.


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## Diana7

Jesswalter75 said:


> My parents have passed away. So I don’t really have any type of support system.


My parents had long ago died when I had to separate from my husband, millions manage. I had three children to parent as well. 
There are plenty of resources out there you can seek out to help and support abused wives and their children, refuges for example. 
This man is mean, cruel, violent and abusive. You are being a total fool to stay with him and think you can change him, you cant.


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## turnera

Jess, here is your important first step toward understanding your life: Read this book. It will tell you everything you need to know:
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902#/


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## LeGenDary_Man

Some responses are exceedingly harsh, IMHO. The wife [in question] might be traumatized or in shock, but she has to find inner strength to deal with her situation no matter what. She ruined her first marriage and somehow settled for this idiot but we will never know enough. Only she can fix her situation based on some great set-of-advises in here. My point is that let us not berate her.

@Jesswalter75

I hope you find sufficient strength to fix your situation, but you need to start from somewhere. Your parents are not in the picture (understandable) but you can LAWYER-UP at the least and understand your options. Do something; one step at a time.


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## personofinterest

turnera said:


> Nonsense. Make your own.


This is unhelpful.


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## turnera

Why? People create new 'families' and support structures all the time. Telling yourself you can't leave an abusive man just because you don't have a parent to run home to is what's unhelpful. She needs to see that she can and will succeed on her own.


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## threelittlestars

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Some responses are exceedingly harsh, IMHO. The wife [in question] might be traumatized or in shock, but she has to find inner strength to deal with her situation no matter what. She ruined her first marriage and somehow settled for this idiot but we will never know enough. Only she can fix her situation based on some great set-of-advises in here. My point is that let us not berate her.
> 
> @Jesswalter75
> 
> I hope you find sufficient strength to fix your situation, but you need to start from somewhere. Your parents are not in the picture (understandable) but you can LAWYER-UP at the least and understand your options. Do something; one step at a time.


You may be right, but this is NOT her first post and she needs to wake up since she bought the man a gun... He is physically abusive and she is NOT listening. Im personally upset that I cannot wake her up. Harsh or not, I hope she wakes the hell up. People have been harsh on me, sometimes right and sometimes wrong. This is not a place that moderates opinions to be sweet and fluffy. Sweet and fluffy will do nothing with this girl. 

She is traumatized, not in shock. Shock might actually help! Since trauma seems to be her daily life. 

I hope something wakes her up but being gentile here has done little to nothing. She is too gentile on herself to the point of cruelty. i hope she keeps posting, and I hope she becomes an emotional badass! Everyone has it in them to dig down. Victim mentality can cripple people and she is a victim, but in her heart and mind she can be a warrior. 

Im not a fluffy person, life has made me harsh, and I practice often times TOUGH LOVE.


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## kimduhan

it is hard question, i think he does not loveyou


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## Jus260

I have seen some off the wall things posted on this board but this might be the scariest thread I have seen here.


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## waynejoey

@Jesswalter75, where are you from? I can help you find a good non-denominational christian church, there are many people there that will be your support system and would be happy to jump in and help. There are probably people there right now with stable lives that are praying to God to send someone there way in need so they can serve.

Proverbs 27:12
The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.


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## Jesswalter75

So it’s 8pm and I just found out my husband ran off to Houston today and is at a motocross event (2 hours from home and in another state as we live in La) and I had no at all...he’s been gone since 10 am and told me he was at his sisters house 5 min down the road. Hasn’t answered my texts or calls all day. I finally asked his mom if she knew where he was and she responds oh yeah he went to Houston to motocross with his dad and sister, wtf who goes to another state a couple hours away and doesn’t at least let their spouse know where they are? Wtf is wrong with this *********?


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## oldshirt

Jesswalter75 said:


> So it’s 8pm and I just found out my husband ran off to Houston today and is at a motocross event (2 hours from home and in another state as we live in La) and I had no at all...he’s been gone since 10 am and told me he was at his sisters house 5 min down the road. Hasn’t answered my texts or calls all day. I finally asked his mom if she knew where he was and she responds oh yeah he went to Houston to motocross with his dad and sister, wtf who goes to another state a couple hours away and doesn’t at least let their spouse know where they are? Wtf is wrong with this *********?


So you had a perfect opportunity to get away and instead you spend the day calling around for him like a naughty little boy who had sneaked off to a friends house without permission.


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## jlg07

Did you mention to his Mom that it would have been nice had he called to tell you this?
Honestly, you seem to be very codependent with him and I don't see any reason why you continue to do this with him.
You will NEVER nice him into being the person you want. I'm not sure why you tolerate his crap, treating you like crap, talking to you like crap. WHY do you put up with this?
You should be going to counseling to find out WHY you do this and how to improve YOU (you won't be able to do anything for him).


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## turnera

Jesswalter75 said:


> So it’s 8pm and I just found out my husband ran off to Houston today and is at a motocross event (2 hours from home and in another state as we live in La) and I had no at all...he’s been gone since 10 am and told me he was at his sisters house 5 min down the road. Hasn’t answered my texts or calls all day. I finally asked his mom if she knew where he was and she responds oh yeah he went to Houston to motocross with his dad and sister, wtf who goes to another state a couple hours away and doesn’t at least let their spouse know where they are? Wtf is wrong with this *********?


What's wrong with this is YOU, Jess. He's a POS yet you still want him to be something he isn't - a real husband. 

What are YOU doing to find YOUR anger and strength so you can leave him and find a better life?

Have you gone to a therapist yet to learn about abuse? Why not?


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## jlg07

Jess, PLEASE start focusing on YOU and what is best for YOU -- NOT him. He is an awful entitled POS, and he is using and abusing you. PLEASE try to see that. Honestly, how much more can he do before you realize how much he is abusing you?


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## Ed3n

turnera said:


> What's wrong with this is YOU, Jess. He's a POS yet you still want him to be something he isn't - a real husband.
> 
> What are YOU doing to find YOUR anger and strength so you can leave him and find a better life?
> 
> Have you gone to a therapist yet to learn about abuse? Why not?


:iagree:

The only thing I would add is, "Jess, why are you still married to him? As twisted as it sounds, it must be working for you on some level, or you'd find a way to leave."


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## SunCMars

Jesswalter75 said:


> My question still hasn’t been answered...I’m asking men what makes a man despise a good woman for nothing...I realize I have an abusive POS for a husband. I am not overly religious but I do constantly get reminded in many way I did too stay for the time being a pray for him.


He is trying to drive you away. He is not strong enough to leave on his own.

He hates himself, his life, and his life with you.

This is all on him.

He hates you because you are everything he is not.
A caring, forgiving person. A good person.

He is lost, you are solid. 

We have all heard of death by cop, when a deranged man will slowly pull his gun on a policeman whereby the police are forced to kill him.

This is death of a marriage by forcing you to leave him.

Yes, the love chemistry is absent, totally absent on his part.
He is on some downward spiral and is dragging you down with him.

Get off the bus. 

I would not take this behavior personal.

What? 
Seriously, he is not a well person.

Labeling his affliction will not help or fix your situation.

Divorcing him will. After that you can lavish your love on a worthy man.

Why be a martyr? It has gotten you nowhere.

You need to gain some self esteem.


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## SkiLifer

You deserve better than him but need to put your foot down and find a way out of the marriage


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