# Need advice



## crushed35 (May 31, 2012)

Hello, new to this forum. I will try to keep this short. Wife of 10 years with 4 kids has been distant lately. I have caught her texting one particular individual whom we both know. He is a widower of 2 years, our daughters are friends, he lives about a mile away from me. She texts him 8-10 times a day on average give or take. She says they are just friends and I need to trust her. We have had our problems and I have not been very loving or affecionate with her for a while, not abusive just not very much effort on my part. I caught her going over to his house last Saturday night after she told me she was going to another female friend of ours house to have a few drinks. I confronted her and she swears there is nothing going on, just friends. She went there telling me to make sure I waited up so we could have sex when she got home. She has always been one of those girls that has been friends with guys more than girls. 

We have been getting along very well lately. Lots of sex, she seems happy and we have talked about fixing our problems on my end, more attention, more sex etc. But she has asked if I am going to be OK with her having this guy as a friend and they are supposed to go to a free concert together this Saturday night. What am I to do, is she cheating? Should I ask her not to go, I don't want to be controlling? Sorry this is all over the place, thanks in advance for any advice.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> I have caught her texting one particular individual whom we both know. He is a widower of 2 years, our daughters are friends, he lives about a mile away from me. She texts him 8-10 times a day on average give or take.


Red flag #1 



> She says they are just friends and I need to trust her.


Red flag #2



> I caught her going over to his house last Saturday night after she told me she was going to another female friend of ours house to have a few drinks. I confronted her and she swears there is nothing going on, just friends.


Massive Red flag#3



> What am I to do, is she cheating? Should I ask her not to go, I don't want to be controlling? Sorry this is all over the place, thanks in advance for any advice.


I think you should tell her you're uncomfortable with her going to the concert with this guy and see what her reaction is. Regarding whether or not she's cheating, stop asking her, act like everything is normal and go into detective mode. Get a key logger and monitor any email/text exchanges. Most importantly get a VAR and put it in her car. Do not pounce on her every time you suspect/find something, let the evidence build up till it's irrefutable.


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## crushed35 (May 31, 2012)

I so want to confront this guy, he is a really nice guy, not someone I would suspect of trying to steal my wife. I told her that Saturday night I was going to talk to him, she was mortified. I think, and I could be very wrong about this obviously, if told him that we were having marriage troubles and I need him to stop contacting her he might oblige.


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## crushed35 (May 31, 2012)

She also covers her tracks quite well and doesn't call him on the phone, just text messages and deletes them. I see them on the bill. I think she has started to use FB instant messenger or something else too.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If she became mortified then there's definitely something suspicious going on crushed. Surely if he's "just a friend" she'd be more than open to introducing him to her husband. Again, confronting can be have 2 effects, either the guy backs off and respects your wishes or they take their affair underground. I think you should confront after you have definitive proof.

Deleting text messages is also another red flag.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> I so want to confront this guy, he is a really nice guy, not someone I would suspect of trying to steal my wife. I told her that Saturday night I was going to talk to him, she was mortified. I think, and I could be very wrong about this obviously, if told him that we were having marriage troubles and I need him to stop contacting her he might oblige.


No. What you'll be effectively conveying with that sort of confrontation is "please don't f*ck my wife anymore". Weak, submissive move.

Either not confront him directly (NC letter in order), or confront him like a man (standard legal disclaimers apply).


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## crushed35 (May 31, 2012)

What is an NC letter? Sorry I'm a newbie.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

if this was just a friend, why did she lie ?? and he don't want to steal your wife, he is getting to use her when he wants, and send her home to you to get 2nds, thats why she wants you up. guys I'm for stopping it in its tracks, but it seems that if she got anything from him, she has already pasted it OP, so he might as well BUST this this this person with her drawers down. bc she is getting such a kick out of wiping it out and bringing it home it see if he notice.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

no contact letter, if he is such a niceguy, why is he txing a married woman. He had a wife, do you think he would put up with this from his.. HA, and she actually wants you to let her go on a date with him. That is what it would be right ?? So when do married women go on dates. BOUNDRIES have been broken, so decide what the consquences will be. Because as sure as God made lil green apples, your worst fears will be realized. So you need to have a plan in and know what your options are legally. Now you see the result of disconnecting in a marriage. Not saying you made her cheat, but marriage need constant attention.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Major red flag she lied about going over to a friends house and went to his. That basically sums it all up. Stop this friendship immediately, this has already developed into an affair.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife is having sex with him. There I said it. No more denial, ok?

She might well have told him that it is an open marriage. Or he may well have a dark side that you never knew. Just ask him why he is f*cking your wife.(don't tell wife that you are about to talk to him.)


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Yes you're wife is cheating. No you shouldn't have sex with her until she comes clean of STDs. If you want to see her affair with your own eyes just follow her the next time she's out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Or even better. Tell her you are going out of town and follow her in a friend car to catch her red-handed


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I wonder too why dont you go over when she says she is? Don't let her go by herself. Same thing for the concert. Dont be the baby sitter.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> I so want to confront this guy, he is a really nice guy, not someone I would suspect of trying to steal my wife. I told her that Saturday night I was going to talk to him, she was mortified. I think, and I could be very wrong about this obviously, if told him that we were having marriage troubles and I need him to stop contacting her he might oblige.


You are a man.
Do you think men ever hang out with women 1x1 without a sexual interest?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

crushed35 said:


> She also covers her tracks quite well and doesn't call him on the phone, just text messages and deletes them. I see them on the bill. I think she has started to use FB instant messenger or something else too.


It's called an EA (Emotional Affair). It may have not gotten physical (yet), but understand this. She is becoming emotionally involved with another man without you. You were not invited to the concert. She lied about where she was going. This is not about his child's relationship with your child, this is about THEM.

Your concerns are well founded, my friend. The advise you get from others here will help you to get at the truth of the matter and you are wise to be concerned about this relationship.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

crushed35 said:


> But she has asked if I am going to be OK with her having this guy as a friend and they are supposed to go to a free concert together this Saturday night. What am I to do, is she cheating? Should I ask her not to go, I don't want to be controlling?


In case you didn't know, this is called a "date." Married people do not go on dates.

Her asking permission together with the secrecy about the nature of their relationship is the biggest red flag of all. It is sadly too common that cheaters do this. They KNOW what they are doing is very wrong and they are on a slippery slope. If they have any conscience at all, they have to psychologically compartmentalize the affair and their marriage. One way to handle this is to ask "permission" from their spouse to see the person with whom they are becoming infatuated.

She is, at a bare minimum, in an emotional affair. Don't fool yourself too much with her happiness around you. It's likely due to her infatuation with him. He is making her feel special and giving her an extra spark and (I'm sorry to be blunt) turning her on.

*Please get a copy of the book Not Just Friends asap, a link to an excerpted copy of the book is in my signature*. This book explains how emotional affairs work.

Emotional affairs are *insidious*. The definition of insidious is "proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects." Their danger comes from the fact that they are first based on friendship and commonalities that are innocuous. You have the same sense of humor, or have the same taste in music. Emotional affairs frequently start out with one person RESCUING the other. Here the poor sad widower who was faithful to his wife to the bitter end is still in mourning. He really needs a good friend, a shoulder to cry on. Someone who will listen to him talk about his dead wife for hours. Who is just a text away, night and day.

While it is generous and kind for us to reach out to the widows and widowers in our lives, what they really need is guidance on the good therapist to meet with, invitations to public places where the community is present, organizing meal delivery that is spread out over the neighborhood, etc. An intimate one-on-one meeting with the opposite sex is entirely inappropriate for both of them.

You fear being called 'controlling.' At some point I'm going to compile a very long list of threads in which husbands were called this by their wives--and the husbands, more terrified of being called 'controlling' than they are of permitting their wives to tell another man that they love them or to give another man their body, crumple into a tiny ball and go about their business.

We live in an age of equality of the sexes. Apparently 92% of Americans believe that the essense of marriage is FIDELITY. Faithfulness in marriage means we do NOT put ourselves in situations that make us vulnerable to breaking our marriage vows. To help us keep our marriage vows, we establish BOUNDARIES. Being alone at the house of a member of the opposite sex and LYING about it would violate the marital boundaries of the vast majority of married people.

Emotional affairs are so dangerous because someone like your wife is in denial about where this is headed. Infatuation happens lightning fast--in as little as two to three weeks--and it is a powerful emotion. It encourages compulsive behavior that mimics that of addicts--lying, hiding the evidence, getting a thrill from the secrecy, obsessive thinking, withdrawal symptoms during separation that create cravings for more contact.

*In addition to Not Just Friends, you need to read, ASAP,
No More Mr. Nice Guy
Married Man Sex Life*
and then you need to start reading threads in this forum so your eyes will be opened to how emotional affairs function. Do NOT think your marriage and your wife are different and special.

If you feel you need a jump start to show her you are recommitted to making the marriage better and being sorry for your neglectful behavior, there are some terrific books for that too. But you CANNOT fix a marriage with 3 people in it.

I am the wife of a man who entered into a long-term emotional affair with a former work colleague--they 'rescued' each other  until they were caught. My husband and I are reconciled and recommitted. Learn from the mistakes of others.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> What is an NC letter? Sorry I'm a newbie.


click the newbie link in my signature


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> Hello, new to this forum. I will try to keep this short. Wife of 10 years with 4 kids has been distant lately. I have caught her texting one particular individual whom we both know. He is a widower of 2 years, our daughters are friends, he lives about a mile away from me. She texts him 8-10 times a day on average give or take. She says they are just friends and I need to trust her. We have had our problems and I have not been very loving or affecionate with her for a while, not abusive just not very much effort on my part. I caught her going over to his house last Saturday night after she told me she was going to another female friend of ours house to have a few drinks. I confronted her and she swears there is nothing going on, just friends. She went there telling me to make sure I waited up so we could have sex when she got home. She has always been one of those girls that has been friends with guys more than girls.
> 
> We have been getting along very well lately. Lots of sex, she seems happy and we have talked about fixing our problems on my end, more attention, more sex etc. But she has asked if I am going to be OK with her having this guy as a friend and they are supposed to go to a free concert together this Saturday night. What am I to do, is she cheating? Should I ask her not to go, I don't want to be controlling? Sorry this is all over the place, thanks in advance for any advice.


She is wanting to hang out ( date ) him at the least.

Setting agreed upon boundaries is critical. It seems you guys are shooting from the hip with this.

Inappropriate behavior -- I am not a believer in close opposite sex friends but some couples are ok with this. But in my opinion she has gotten two close to this unmarried man. I see that as inappropriate.

Unfaithful -- Again couples have different boundaries. In my marriage a spouse going over to spend time alone with an opposite sex friend is out of bounds period. This is a single guy and your wife went there. The real smoking gun here is that she lied to you to do it. Lying to me for any reason is unfaithful. This was a lie for her to spend isolated time with a single man behind your back.

Cheating -- Well she orchestrated isolated time one evening with a married man at his home behind your back. You reference something about wanting to have sex when she got home. This seesm a red flag to me that if she is not cheating already it is highly likely this will happen soon.

Having boundaries that allow for a spouse to spend isolated time with opposite sex friends in that other persons home is unreasonable to me unless one is living in an open relationship. But having boundaries that allow for lying seems absurd IMO.

I think you should tell her this relationship is unaccpetable to you. You are on solid ground as she has lied to you about her activities. 

She should be going to concerts with you.

Being distant os not a good sign. It can happen for many reasons but in the context of the rest it looks bad.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> I so want to confront this guy, he is a really nice guy, not someone I would suspect of trying to steal my wife. I told her that Saturday night I was going to talk to him, she was mortified. I think, and I could be very wrong about this obviously, if told him that we were having marriage troubles and I need him to stop contacting her he might oblige.


The guy is not the issue. Your wife is the one you need to work things out with. Who cares if he is a nice guy or not. After you talk to your wife feel free to just tell him to stay out of your marriage. Don't be overly passive about this. Be firm and mean it.

Anyhting less than firm is only begging him to not bang your wife. He is not your friend and not a friend of the marriage. He is the guy trying take your wife. Realize he is likely already been have sex with her. Not trying to upset you but if he has not gotten there yet he is trying.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

crushed35 said:


> She also covers her tracks quite well and doesn't call him on the phone, just text messages and deletes them. I see them on the bill. I think she has started to use FB instant messenger or something else too.


Oh then yeah she is unfaithful and is at then least in an EA and probably more. So sure collect more information but realize that an EA can turn physical at any time. There is an urgency to stop this relationship. One could keep collecting data before confrontation.

For many people you know enough now. I would find my wife going over a man's house behind my back a deal breaker even if they played Yahtzee. But that is just me. If I did that I would be afraid to fall asleep near my wife. I might be minus some naughty bits.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

crushed35 said:


> I so want to confront this guy, he is a really nice guy, not someone I would suspect of trying to steal my wife. I told her that Saturday night I was going to talk to him, she was mortified. I think, and I could be very wrong about this obviously, if told him that we were having marriage troubles and I need him to stop contacting her he might oblige.


Just so you know--telling a man who is making arrangements for your wife to meet him on dates at his house and at a concert is not adviseable. You're welcome to try--but what you may be doing is inviting him to turn into your wife's confidant about your marital problems--if he isn't that ALREADY. 

Confiding in HIM about your marital difficulties is PRECISELY the next step that takes their relationship to warp speed, it is THE essential fuel for their infatuation. Now, she's not just rescuing him--he's rescuing her.

Chances are what he'll be thinking with your phone call about backing off due to marriage problems is "No sh*t, Sherlock."

And I'm sorry I couldn't fit this in my post above, it was already too long to start with. But there is a LOT that you need to get up to speed on. 

EDUCATE YOURSELF ABOUT EMOTIONAL AFFAIRS.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Oh then yeah she is unfaithful and is at then least in an EA and probably more. So sure collect more information but realize that an EA can turn physical at any time. There is an urgency to stop this relationship. One could keep collecting data before confrontation.
> 
> For many people you know enough now. *I would find my wife going over a man's house behind my back a deal breaker even if they played Yahtzee*. But that is just me. If I did that I would be afraid to fall asleep near my wife. I might be minus some naughty bits.


:iagree:

The "behind your back" is the key here. No reason to keep it from you except...........(something she doesn't want you to know about or include you in - the essence of an affair)


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This is not good. I believe it went PA.


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