# Help



## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

I have been married for fourteen years and my wife has decided she is done with me. I have been struggling with porn for ten years. We have been to marriage counseling before and it worked for a while. I found out that porn is just a symptom of my suffering from general anxiety and am on the right track towards recovery. My wife says she does not care and won't talk about it. Me and out 4 boys are all in counseling but she won't have anything to do with it. She won't even do what the counselor says to do for the boys. I want to save my marriage because for the most part it has been great. How can I get her talking without pushing her over the edge


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Hi matt. My H also struggles with a porn addiction, and like you, its just a symptom of some deeper issues. 

Ten years is a long time for your wife to have to deal with that. I have only delt with it for three and even though my H has stopped, I still struggle with the PTSD from it all. I can only imagine your wife has some pretty deep emotional scars from it all. I dont know about your situation, but with my H there was A LOT more to it then just the porn viewing. His addiction comes with a lot of other behavioral problems. Its an arduous battle for all involved, and Im guessing your wife just wants to feel happy again.


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## gccf (Mar 31, 2009)

I am sure that your wife wants to be the main focus of your desire. It has probably made her feel as though she is not as good as those women. My husband also has used porn instead of our relationship and it does hurt. I am glad you are on the right track, will she continue with counciling?


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

Thank you for your support and giving me your point of view. No she will not even talk about counseling. She barely talks to the counselor about the boys. I hope and pray every day she will talk to me and give me another chance. I love her so much, I feel as if my life is leaving with her.


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## heartache (Mar 21, 2009)

My husband was addicted to porn. This is my second marriage and I was destroyed when I found out how bad it was. He hid books, movies, he was so sexually active i thought it was just him, like wow second marriage I hit the jackpot sexually. Then it all started to come together when I found books hidden our car mats for heaven sakes. I spent all my energy trying to make the situation better, doing several things, I got tired of his lies and was just plain tired. My husband went to counselling , I too backed out of going. I wanted nothing to do with the "problem" anymore I washed my hands. My husband went faithfully once a week until the counsellor said he wanted me to come to a session. I went but didn't care," i wasn't the one with the problem and if my husband wasn't such an ass I wouldn't have to be at the counselor" was my attitude. The counsellor explained to me how he seen the sessions and asked me how I felt. I told him exactly how I felt, he does it again I walk. I left that session never accepting what I was told and never seeing my husbands true desire to change I seen my pain and disgust for him for wasting so much "time" with porn. 
I felt this horrible feeling and I did hate him for how I felt, I didn't care how much of an effort he made. If there was a tall lanky chick and I'd be watching his eyes thinking is he thinking back to porn again, we'd go into a bookstore and I couldn't trust him to stay away from any magazines. I constantly felt so much distrust for him that I truley was unhappy. I had to make a decision was I going to stay, I knew I loved him, but was the pain worth it. It's hard Matt, to look at my husband and know he's trying but all the days, weeks , months of holding on I finally got tired. 
Im sure your wife loves you, allow her some time to get angry, cry and perhaps as I did , told my husband how much I hated him for what he did to me for making me feel the way I did. It's painful, and many days I didn't even want to look at him , the thoughts of him thinking of a video or the urge to buy books and hide them again, so much affects the lives during a recovery time. I worried he'd do it again. I felt cheated , I envied others , and if he loved me "why would he do it", why didn't he tell me before I found out. The questions beat me up pretty bad. I remember crying for weeks at nite, wanting to leave and go to my families. He would lay in bed and listen to me cry. He'd never touch me to hold me, I don't think I could have taken it. I eventually stopped crying but the questions never stopped, did you look at books today, how much money do you have , you left with this much now you have this what did you buy. The counsellor told him I may do this and if wanted the marriage to work he should be accepting of it and have honest answers. 
Could go on forever with the things I did, it wasn't a payback behavior, believe me I could have tortured him much worse. 
Good luck to you, your wife will see your efforts, give her time to be angry at you, let her find her happiness inside no matter how much it hurts you. It happens!


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

heartache

Thanks for your reply. I can't answer for your husband but I wasn't interested in other women I was using the images to enhance my fantasies of her. I know that sounds stupid and it is. I appreciate your honesty and candor in telling me how you feel. I hope and pray my wife can find the strength to give me a chance like you have your husband. I will pray for you and your husband. I appreciate you response.


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## heartache (Mar 21, 2009)

i am sure my husband was the same, it's just how I seen him, it's hard no matter what. I am wish you both the best


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

I know it's hard for her and you, but it is just as hard for me and I assume your husband. I am having a hard with how I could have done that to her.


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## heartache (Mar 21, 2009)

matt,
We all have things in our lives, even us females do things that aren't so great at times. My husband did wonder the same. I asked him one time these questions " am I a horrible person, terrible wife, do I not give, love you enough, do I not give you sex when you want it, and so forth. He told me how he felt and I asked him why he did this to me and us?? His answer was he didn't know, other than he was allowed to get away with it when married to his ex. She didn't want sex, so he started watching porn, ordering magazines, she accepted his behavior kept him busy and away from her. So it just grew and grew, being somewhat brain washed thinking that all woman would accept this, I was not one of them. Honestly if I knew he had this problem before we married, then I would have not married him until I knew it was being fixed or possibly never.
If your wife has no friends that have been through this it makes it harder. Sometimes woman who've not been through this react to the hurt thier friends are feeling, not the realistic issues at hand. Maybe she can find support by talking in a format like this, with other people that have gone or going through it, being on here has helped me so much!


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

I hope she does. She hasn't even told our kids she wants a divorce. It has been 5 weeks since the last incident and she refuses to even acknowledge it. I believe she is talking with her younger sister and dad but they are divorced. I don't know Iam scared


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Matt, to show her your willingness to change, go out and buy a "keylogger" or "NetNanny" type program.

Install it on the PC, and wait for her to be home for her to choose the password, one you would never be able to guess/know.

Then, she can, depending on the program bought, either keep up on you and know if you've been to a porn site (keylogger) or block you from them completely (NetNanny).

Show her you are willing to do whatever it takes to stop this addiction.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I hope your counselor is an addiction expert, not just a marriage counseler. Any sort of addiction is harmful to a relationship. Porn, being sex-based, will naturally upset your wife the most. Have you truly made a complete recovery? I found replacing an addiction with a healthier addiction is the only way. Another way is to take a long vacation where the addictive substance is not present, a self-made rehab center, so to speak.


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

Putting a porn blocker won't help her she wants me to do it on my own. I wouldn't I have made a complete recovery yet. I have one test that would let me know. That is for me to become comfortable in our relationship because that is when I had my last relapse. It is easy to stay away from porn now because she is mad and not talking to me about it. I know it will take time, if it happens at all, but I do not want some stupid addiction to ruin my marriage. Yes my counselor works with addictions. The counselors before worked on pornagraphy, but porn was just a symptom like most other addictions. So their methods didn't work completly.


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## heartache (Mar 21, 2009)

Matt,
Part of my husband's recovery or at least the first step was to destroy all the his movies, books himself, if it was me it wouldn't have helped him, he had to be the one to make the first step. Oh it was hard I seen the look on his face his addiction going into the garbage in little pieces, I mean he didn't just throw it away he had to break it in pieces the books yes ripped torn shredded whatever it took to prove to me he could do it. Internet was a problem for me, and I think for him too, he'd have me sit in same room with him while he surfed the net to prove he wasn't looking at anything but it didn't mean much to me, cuz he could have looked on his own when I wasn't around, so internet was off limits until i felt comfortable enough to trust him even for 5 mins. Believe the emotional stress it causes is tremendous. I didnt' want to have sex with him ( now i crave him and he doesn't show any desires for me) for some reason I felt inadequate, a personal feeling , but it was a feeling none the less. 
If your wife hasn't said anything to the kids maybe she is watching you waiting to see if you blow it ( not being mean) then she may react the way you are feeling. 
It hurts to be divorced I've been through it, and if she's talking to family maybe it's good maybe not, but at least she's talking and perhaps clearing her mind.


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

I used to have a magazine or two but after the last counseling I didn't use those. I was using what I could get for free from the websites. As far as my wife is concerned she (at least hasn't said) doesn't seem to be watching. Right now it is easy to stay off porn because she is mad. I am quitting smoking and had been doing really well until last night I had half a cigarette after two days of none, but she found out. I am going to quit both addictions it is hard sometimes especially the cigarettes because I had been doing it for 20+ years. I am determined and will accept only success. I appreciate your response it helps hearing from the other side of this situation. Hang in there I am sure your husband wants do what is good for the two of you.


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## coffee bean (Apr 3, 2009)

Give yourself a break man. Trying to end two addictions at the same time may not be the best idea, though I don't doubt your sincerity. Anyhow, it's possible that when your marriage is happier, giving up cigarettes may be easier.


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

You are right I am taking on alot. I have put myself in a tough position. I have waited to stop when dealing with this the past two times. I am going to quit everything even if it kills me. I am doing this for myself, my children and my wife. I know this is taking on alot but since my wife doesn't want to work on our marriage right now I need something else to do. The pain of loosing her is to much and working on my addictions give me something else to focus on. As for how sincere I am I know in my heart and mind I want this marriage and will do what I have to so it continues.


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

Today is our 14th wedding anniversary and I went ahead and got my wife a present. Nothing mushy or anything like that, just a willow tree angel (friendship) and no card. I didn't make a big show of it. I just gave it to her. I hope I didn't push her away.


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## coffee bean (Apr 3, 2009)

Wow - you are so determined! I don't know that much about addictions, but your drive to succeed must be half the battle? Just don't give yourself a really hard time if you trip up from time to time.

How did your wife react to the gift? 

Do you know what the underlying anxieties are that led you to get into porn in the first place?


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

She is ingoring it as far as I know. Stress from a bad job, four kids, going to school, getting ready to retire and everyday stuff. I try not to be to hard when I slip up, it hasn't happened that much (only with smoking). She is my life.


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## heartache (Mar 21, 2009)

Hey Matt,
Boy your taking on alot. I know you don't want to lose your wife, but my husband went to extreme, he became velcored to my hip after he felt he was over the worst part of his addiction. Now dont' get me wrong, do I trust him sometimes and sometimes not, but I can't waste "my life" anymore wondering if he's going to behave himself or not. I've encouraged him to try and trust himself and go his own way,meaning separate himself from me for at least a few hours. It's hard for me , perhaps the thought of losing me to someone without a "past" is hard. 
I don't expect your wife to pay to much attention to your gift, my husband used to buy me things to cover up his guilt so a gift was "a gift" not a jump in your arms make love to me now hunny gift. I still have days, and it's been a few years. He may have days but he doesn't share them with me. 
It's emotional roller coaster of loving someone and trusting them, and then finding out your partners lies and deceptions made one feel like a fool. It was hard for me thinking back to the months, days , weeks, hours, so on he lied to me. What did I mean to him all those times, why did he lie and play with my mind? These are strong feelings Matt. Your wife knows how much you love her, but it's the behavior and all that you do from here on in that will prove to her what your really made of, and it's hard on both of you, I know that from my own marriage.
Keep talking, keep hoping and go easy with the habit breaking.....you know one addiction takes over another. If you tell your wife your trying to quit smoking she may see another addiction being thrown to the way side, another promise broken, even if it was biting your nails it's the same reaction at least was for me. 
Good luck


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

Yeah I know this is alot but I have not left myself much choice. She actually open her present and it is on the mantle next to the others. I know I can't smother her and I need some me time and I am doing that. She is very important to me and I will do anything for her. Oh by the way I just watched the movie Fireproof and it really hit home. It is a christian based movie about being married and saving your marriage. I would recommend it to anyone trying to improve your marriage. I don't think we will see any oscars handed out for it but the message is very good. I cried


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