# Wife keeps mentioning seperation



## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

There are many contributing factors that have got us here. Unfortunately my wife is angry and resentful, which prevents her from being happy, and loving toward me. It has taken me to long to be able to communicate openly with her, which is one of the issues that allowed this to get so far. I was not aware of how much she was hurting until it was to late. Now no matter how much we talk, she can not let go of her anger, and I know we would benefit from counseling, but she keeps talking separation. This is not at all what I want, especially with our seven year old son. All though I have given her space, I'm considering her separation idea, as the current situation is not working. Its terrifying to think about leaving behind everything that matters to me in order to hopefully reconcile. I know there is no magic answer, and I needed an outlet, as I'm not comfortable discussing this with any of my friends or family at this stage. Your questions or comments are welcome, and I appreciate both male and female perspectives.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Without more detail there is not a lot of perspective that can be given.

How many years have you been married? 
Does she have a job?

What are the major issues that she is so angry about?


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## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

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## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

We have been together for eight, and married for 3.5. She has been very upset about a threesome. After a night of binge drinking one of buddies ended up walking in on us and joining then in. While there was no sex between them, there was plenty of sexual touching. This ended up happening another time in the same fashion, before we drew a line. She feels I let her down by not preventing it, as well as used and disrespected. Its something were both heavily regret and are shameful of. In addition to me being very dedicated to my job, always have work on my mind instead of connecting to her needs, and feelings. My reason for posting is really more about the topic of separation used as means of possible therapy. I hate the idea as it seems like one foot into divorce, but I don't want to be stupid and continue not hearing and seeing what she needs. I also would hate to do this to our son. He is our number one and we are not fighting and keep out emotional conversational private. We are in no way uncivil with one another. She only brings up separation on days when she is feeling rather resentful. We have not discussed the logistics of doing so. On the other hand our marriage is at a uncomfortable stalemate. Hanging in limbo is killing me. I have made it known that I'm in for the work and the long run, while she is just sitting on the fence.

Edit- Yes she works, and has done so for th last year. Fortunately I make enough to support the family, so we decided she would stay home instead of having a day care baby. Once he started school my wife was able to peruse a career she enjoys, instead of having to get a job due to finances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The reason for her being angry is very important. 

Separation is a very bad form of therapy. Generally when people separate they never get back together. So looking for an alternative is very important.

So she does not trust you because you did not stop the guy from joining in. But she did not stop it either. She is probably displacing her anger at herself onto you.

Have the two of you discussed marriage counseling? It might help quite a bit especially if you can find one who is also a sex therapist. Hopefully they would have a good understanding of how to regain trust after what the two of you went through. 3somes typically seriously damage marriages.

Also I suggest that you take a look at the books linked to in my signature block below: "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". These are to help with you not giving her enough of your time and attention.


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## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BRUNIC (Jan 21, 2013)

I know its not entirely my fault, but I have not engaged in the blame game. I appreciate your input, and will push for professional help. I don't care at all for the separation idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If I were you I'd fight the separation as much as possible.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

BRUNIC said:


> I know its not entirely my fault, but I have not engaged in the blame game. I appreciate your input, and will push for professional help. I don't care at all for the separation idea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let her know that. Resentment and entitlement are two sides of the six sided die of marriage destroyers. 

Call her out on it. The three way was stupid and a bad idea, but she was there just the same. While you care for her happiness, you are not responsible for it. She is, if she was uncomfortable then she should have spoken up, period. You, as her husband, should have made sure everything was ok. 

The problem here is one the both of you contributed to. Therefore trying to solve it like its just something you did is futile. 

You may think not holding her accountable is ' being kind, considerate' but in reality it is just weakness, and not doing you any favors. When someone feels slighted or hurt, the placations of others more often than not only exacerbate the problem.

And she needs to stop throwing out separation like a barb. Each time she uses it, it only deteriorates the marriage so that sh!t needs to get cut out quickly. Tell her that you'd like to communicate so both of you can understand each other better, but that its not fair for her to just throw out separation without an in depth explanation or use it as an argument ender.


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## Psy.D. C. Maso (Jan 22, 2013)

> There are many contributing factors that have got us here. Unfortunately my wife is angry and resentful, which prevents her from being happy, and loving toward me. It has taken me to long to be able to communicate openly with her, which is one of the issues that allowed this to get so far.


Nope. This is maybe one of the few things you have done right in your marriage. I am not saying a man should not connect to his wife, I am just saying that overdoing it or forcing yourself into it is fatal. My experience.



> I was not aware of how much she was hurting until it was to late. Now no matter how much we talk, she can not let go of her anger, and I know we would benefit from counseling, but she keeps talking separation.


You know why she cant let go off the anger?
Because both of you talk too much. Precisely too much about whatever problems you have. And incase you are always trying to ague your points, no matter how good they are: *That just seperates both of you more cause a woman resents an aguing man..* Sorry in case you may take this bad, but I belong to the people who ve gone through hell before realizing how easy it is to keep a good marriage going when YOU as a man have your cards straight. Always.



> This is not at all what I want, especially with our seven year old son.


Stop beieng selfish. You want to do something for your son? Yes!
Then stop beieng too emotional and taken about the recent events with his dear mother. That is not manly at all. There are times when beieng taken is good and necessary, but when "at war" with your wife, you better be bullet proof.



> All though I have given her space, I'm considering her separation idea, as the current situation is not working.


Best thing you could do.. But just before you consider that everything will be fine after the "space time", your wrong!! *The only way the space time will make things right is when SHE is ready to end the space time. Meaning: she needs to want YOU back badly. *If you want to know how to do that, then ask me. I dont want to write down things when you arent really ready for change. But keeping distance was a good move already.



> Its terrifying to think about leaving behind everything that matters to me in order to hopefully reconcile. I know there is no magic answer, and [..]


You are so right. I am glad that you seem to love your family so much. When we are almost losing something, we tend to apreciate it even more, but we also tend to jail it.. Maybe you can still fix things.



> This ended up happening another time in the same fashion, before we drew a line. *She feels I let her down *by not preventing it, as well as used and disrespected. Its something were both heavily regret and are shameful of.


Dammit brother!!! She and you were in a threesome and YOU alone should carry the blame? *Actualy yes*, BUT you surely need to open your eyes, cause your ve started eating **** from the closet. If there is some one who is wrong here, then either both of you or no one. And cause you surely all had fun during the intercourse, I guess no one should carry the blame. The only psychological factor that YOU as a man (Yes! YOu are one.) need to consider is that women are a bit more supressed when it comes to judging "forbidden" type of sexual activities positively. Therefore as a husband it is always wise to take the responsibility here, *BUT NEVER to make a big deal out of it *("_Darling, yeah, it was weird, but everythong is ok_" give her a kiss on the cheak and go make some coffee. *Chapter closed!!!* No discussions!). The only time you shoud never take responsibility for her beieng involved in sexual activities is when she cheats on you. Is that simple for you to remember BRUNIC? Good.



> [...] but I don't want to be stupid and continue not hearing and seeing what she needs.


The only stupid thing you are doing is trying to hear and see what she needs. So long as a woman has not left you, *she has all what she needs* -> YOU! If there are problems, then she is still there because YOU can fix them. Most of the times the problem is a man lacking a BACK BONE! She will keep on with you so long as she can deny to herself that are a loser. Imediatly she has proof (= you start begging, crying, ass kissing, going out of your way to make sure her needs go first, hanging around her 24/7 instead of also meeting your friends), she is GONE! This is rather a very unconsious process and I bet you that in case you people divorce, your eyes will jump open and you will see that you doing exactly a bunch of theese stupid things.



> She only brings up separation on days when she is feeling rather resentful.


Brother. Get over it. It is normal to feel resentful once in a while, especially for women. The more you pay attention to it, the worse it will get. You are conditioning her to feel bad in your presense!!! Soon she will suddenly feel better when she just leaves the room you were in, just because seeing you brings up recentfullness. It is psychology: _Can you remember times where a song could just make you sad? Or another song could make you happy_? Its because you heard these songs in a context that was either sad or jolie, you choice brother.

There is a lot to work on to get thing straight again. Let me give you a kick start. These are things you can do right away:

1. Write down at least 10 situations you were a kiss ass in the last 5 weeks
2. dont be that kick ass for the next 2 weeks!
3.


> We have not discussed the logistics of doing so.


It is time for you to think of how logistics wil be done. You alone first. Write them down if necessary.
Why? 
a)Because it will keep you in reality just incase of the worst.
b) Because as a real man who wants to support his family, you need to think ahead. Focus more on yourself, then your son, then your wife. It is similar to an emergency landing by plane, you have to save yourself first if you want to guarantee the safety of your beloved! So make sure you are not going to accept anything just for the sake of your son or your wife being happy. This sound cruel, but I know that when I am happy with my part of the deal, my heart is more open to give more. Like this, you will never recent your son, because you will know you arent beieng forced to do anythinf for him. Same aplies to your dear wife..
4. Do not discuss any problems with her anymore for the next 2 weeks. If she insists, you insist that you arent in the mood Mr. Backbone.
5. Do not communicate with your wife till you have done step 1-4 and till you have replied for father instructions ;-). In case she phones you, sure pick up. Its all good.
But YOU DO NOT phone her! (Unless real emergency: death, danger) This will minimize the number of errors you can make while gaining your old energy.

Your are a good guy. You will make most if good.

M


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