# Time to move on..? Porn is NOT OK damnit!



## BehindTheseHazelEyes

I am hoping to find any and all points of view with my situation! I know the bottom line, is its MY decision, however Im torn..please help...

I'll try to sum it up..

Im married to a soldier for almost 3 years. We got prego as soon as we got married. I have a 7 yo from a diff relationship. I have had MAJOR issues with men and porn/nudie bars in the past. 

I am NOT ok with this!!! I am NOT going to be compared to someone else...ESPECIALLY when I give it my all. When I KNOW I do amazing things in bed that most men would love. I LOVE that I can be that "naughty" girl in bed but actually a nice, funny caring person outside! Im also NOT ok with porn because I'll be damned if he is thinking of being inside someone else as he is having sex with me! He might as well use a toy!!! Im a person and not going to let someone USE me and pretend Im that girl from the porn! 

I told my hubby before we got married how I have ZERO tolerance for this crap! He agreed. I was a lil skeptical b/c well...EVERY OTHER GUY I WAS WITH HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT! 

Numerous things came up that made me question. It started with his lap top. When I first moved in after we got married (he was stationed in a different state and I had to move there) I found his lap top...with lots of porn on it. I flipped! I had asked him before if he has looked at it at ALL since we've be married..he reassured me he hasn't. So when I found this, I was like...LIAR!!! He swore up and down it was when...ready for this...."When I let my buddies borrow my lap top in the barracks..its not mine, I swear!" LMFAO.....

Then he had to go away for a month for training...found out the guys were actually passing someones MP3 player around and they were taking turns going into the outhouses to jack off and look at porn..ummm EWWW....OF COURSE....my HUBBY said he passed...LMAO again! I never believed him..and we got into allot of fights over these issues...

Then he was about to deploy to Iraq...I know allot of men do this...I was soo worried about it,we even took up some marriage counseling before he left. He was aware that if he gave in...it would eventually end us..it would TEAR out family apart. It would jeopardize the relationships with our kids...and that it would rip my soul out...

I felt the need to do everything I could to ease his need for sex...so we would make videos for eachother...of eachother..if you get my drift. Somethings I felt a lil nervous doing, and just having a baby, I wasnt exactly feeling hot..but his words keep me going. "Oh baby your so sexy, your my wife, I love everything about you.." blah blah...

I fel god thinking, Im doing more than allot of wives do! I mean, he got to wake up to a email from me that as his personal porn, doing whatever he wanted, and h could feel guilt free knowing it was ME and not doing anything wrong.

BUT...then...I just knew he was full of it...and we wasted several phone calls, which should have been sweet, and full of love..I mean he WAS in Iraq...but I just knew. He started telling me he was sick of this $hit, if I was goin to be like this 50 years down the road, I needed help, I needed pills, I needed to go talk to someone! 

Things were getting bad..so then pastor from our church and the chaplin (a pastor that works in the military and is with the guys) involved...and he was crying to them...sobbing...to where they would email me..saying that they really believed him, hes trying to hard, he doesnt want you to leave..And I said...WHOAAA..WHY is he acting so GUILTY??? He said that he knew how serious the porn issue was and altho he was telling the truth, the fact that I still didn't believe him, scared him and he thought I was going to leave anyways...

Well....turns out..after ALL the crying...ALL the talks with out pastor, all the talks with the chaplin, all the conversations we had...for over 7 months.....HE WAS LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DID WATCH PORN! HE WAS FULL OF IT! HE DID LIE TO ME! TO THE PASTOR! TO THE CHAPLIN! And to make me think it was ME..and that I NEEDED pills, help, counseling...and I WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE FREGGIN TIME!!!!

This showed me the depth he could go. And that scared me. And to think that HE KNEW EXACTLY what would happen if he did this, and did it anyways.....

Now..this killed me because of the obvious. but to think that I was making him videos...and that he actually choose that crap over me....how the hell couldnt you take that personal! It crushed me..I feel soo ugly, horrid, I mean I deff cant measure up to that, but to put all I had into making him the videos and to get rejected.....dont sit there and tell me how beautiful I am and how sexy...when OBVIOUSLY Im not..cuz if I was, you would have chosen MY VIDEO!!!

Its been 6 months since hes been home. And its been hell. We try, he tries, but I just cant get over it. Its hard for me to let him see me now...when its like...I know hes comparing me to those ****s..I got cheese..bet they didnt. I have strech marks...bt they didnt. My boobs arent all firm and bouncy..bet theirs were! 

I know hes sorry. And he does try, but heres the other details...
He's lied about the computer porn, which he STILL didnt admit. Even after admitting the porn while in Iraq...And FINALLY admitted it AFTER about 2 months of being home.

I STILL dont believe him about not watching it on the MP3 player..I mean, come on!

Hes lied numerous times about dumb things..and is always bringing his mom into things then lying about it...its all LIES LIES LIES...

He'll cry and say hes sorry....only to do it again. 

My debate is as follows:

We dont have allot of time to make things work..with him being deployed and such. Hes only been home for 6 months and will be going away for a year AGAIN in only 2 months...so its like..how the hell is this going to get bette in only 2 months...anyone knows it takes time...but when we had time, he screwed that by betraying me. Lying to me. 

We also just lost our so. I was 5 months prego ( from the times I guess I felt sexy enough to get prego..) and this has been really hard. 

With him leaving again soon..and now with this major issue of trust...what do I do?? I want to make it better but its like...even if he has been honest with me and even if he doesnt give into that crap again..would I believe him..no. Its like a circle to me...and do I really want to waste away another year of being a single mom, dong everything ALONE, being honest and faithful...for nothing?! I dont think I'll make it thru this deployment. WOuld you?! He still lies about things..and that makes me think...this is just him and I dont need to waste my life with someone like that...however I fear that maybe we just havent had enough time to work thru it...but then i dont know if I have the strength to. 

I cant even go a day without giving him a 101 question survey of what he did..who he was with...at what time...I mean OMG..I HATE this person Ive turned into! Im sure he does too...Im simply drained! 

Is it time to say..ya know what..Ive tried and tried and given my all...and have still gotten screwed over time and time again...why would I suddenly believe you this time...I just wanna go and be happy and be done with this.

Or do I keep on kickin and wait until he gets home and work on us? But then its like we'll still be working on the issues of his first deployment...and STILL have to deal with the trust issues and feelings about his current one. 

I know its a touchy subject thats hes deployed and such, please know aside from all this..Ido worry about him and am so scared something might happen while hes away, but that still doesnt magically make our marriage all better!

Thanks.


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## DanF

Judging from your post, the problem lies withing you, not him.
All men look at porn! It has nothing whatsoever to do with you, the way you look, his desire for you, his love for you, etc, etc.
You played 20 questions with him while he was deployed? You have no idea what he was looking at.
You are controlling and nagging for no reason.
You need to get help with your control issues, not his porn.


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## BehindTheseHazelEyes

ya know...its men like you who cause breakups and relationship issues. 

NOT all men look at porn...you think our pastor does?? Or how about the chaplin??

Its the fact that he LIED to me for months and months...lied to numerous people that were close to us. How is this MY issue??

He did admit he watched, but not until I said I had proof. Its the fact that he couldnt respect this ONE thing I asked! 

No matter how little of a issue people may think porn is..if your WIFE asked you to stick to your..VOWS and promis not to do this one thing KNOWING it would crush her....shouldnt you do it???!!!!

Geez..and its MY fault?! WHATEVER. I dont care what he asked, Id do it for him..I mean its not like I was asking him to stop breathing! Its called respect..and judging by YOUR reply, you lack that!


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## woodstock

As a woman, I will say I think you need to talk to someone about your issues with porn and what you think it means to YOU, THEN talk to him about what it is to HIM. Porn, if just to look at or for self pleasure when the SO is not there is NOTHING! A lot better than hunting down a warm body. Hell, if I had a SO deployed I would send him certain things as gifts, why not. If you know when it comes down to it, he is coming home to YOU and going to bed with YOU, and not spending all day everyday on porn and not going to bed with YOU, no biggie.

I think your issues with porn in general are a bit over the top ad represent some deeper issue you have personally (almost sounds like you face abuse probably in your early to mid teens). Why don't you learn to watch it WITH him? That can make for GREAT sex between partners.

Personally I think i am more turned on by porn than my SO, but it is always gonna be HIM I bed, I have no desire what so ever to find anyone else, nor do I for a second compare him to anyone else, though there have been times when I have thought "oooo it would be really gun if he tried THAT!!!!"

Really, it is YOUR issue that it at the bottom of all this. If he DOES have an issue, I doubt it will ever be resolved until you resolve your own


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## Syrum

DanF said:


> Judging from your post, the problem lies withing you, not him.
> All men look at porn! It has nothing whatsoever to do with you, the way you look, his desire for you, his love for you, etc, etc.
> You played 20 questions with him while he was deployed? You have no idea what he was looking at.
> You are controlling and nagging for no reason.
> You need to get help with your control issues, not his porn.


Not all men look at porn. You are wrong. Do you really believe that all men have such little self control? If so then I guess all men cheat too.

OP you have every right to say what you will and won't put up with, just as your husband does, and I'm sure if something you did hurt him greatly you wouldn't do it.


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## Syrum

woodstock said:


> As a woman, I will say I think you need to talk to someone about your issues with porn and what you think it means to YOU, THEN talk to him about what it is to HIM. Porn, if just to look at or for self pleasure when the SO is not there is NOTHING! A lot better than hunting down a warm body. Hell, if I had a SO deployed I would send him certain things as gifts, why not. If you know when it comes down to it, he is coming home to YOU and going to bed with YOU, and not spending all day everyday on porn and not going to bed with YOU, no biggie.
> 
> I think your issues with porn in general are a bit over the top ad represent some deeper issue you have personally (almost sounds like you face abuse probably in your early to mid teens). Why don't you learn to watch it WITH him? That can make for GREAT sex between partners.
> 
> Personally I think i am more turned on by porn than my SO, but it is always gonna be HIM I bed, I have no desire what so ever to find anyone else, nor do I for a second compare him to anyone else, though there have been times when I have thought "oooo it would be really gun if he tried THAT!!!!"
> 
> Really, it is YOUR issue that it at the bottom of all this. If he DOES have an issue, I doubt it will ever be resolved until you resolve your own


Not true, I liken porn to cheating, and to me it is. I view the people involved as real people (because they are), and men do not need to watch it to get off. I also hate how women are unrealistic in porn, the sex is fake and bad, and teaches men to view women as [email protected] objects, it doesn't help connectivity and closeness.

Women should not be told to get over it, that is dismissive.

I get sick of how porn is supposed to be viewed as no big deal, when it can be very damaging to relationships and I view as very damaging to society and women.

Also if porn is no big deal to him then he should just stop viewing it because it is a big deal to her.


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## Mom6547

Fault shmalt. Who cares about fault. The question is what are you going to DO about it? I am going to share an opinion here. But first I am going to tell you what I would your husband if he were here. He isn't. But it might be helpful Do not lie to your wife. Let her know who you are in all regards. If you feel that there is nothing wrong with porn, then STAND UP for that point of view and face the rain. Obviously getting caught in lies serves nothing. Work THROUGH the difference, not around it.

Now to you. I would suggest that before you decide on a course of action, you make a strong attempt at understanding how many men view porn. And sex. You have a very strong view of what porn is. And you perceive that your view is the only view. And the RIGHT view. But there are other views which may or may not be right. 

Let's take my husband for example. He watches porn. He uses it to grease the imagination when he is rubbing one out for quick release. It is not *instead* of sex or *instead* of me. It is something else. I like to take baths. They are relaxing, leisurely, comforting. But sometimes I take a quick shower. The shower is not a comparison of the bath. It is something else.

I am hot and sexy. And my husband loves me, my body and loads of crazy sex. But I am 42. I am never going to have a 20 year old body again. Yah looking at a 20 year old body is nice. He doesn't want to be with a 20 year old. Lord knows that eventually they would open their mouths, and that would be the end of that! He loves me. He wants me. And I am confident enough of what I DO have for him that having him look at some pics to rub one out every once in a while is not a biggie.

So you have one point of view, porn is awful. And I agree with you that he should not have lied to you. But I can understand why he would feel he had to with the vehemence of your position. 

What stands before you now is a choice of what YOU are going to do. I see a few choices

- Choose to continue in your position that porn is this evil. Particularly since it seems that this position is based in religion, it is a reasonable position to maintain. BUT it has some practical downsides to it. Your pool of candidates that REALLY agree with this PoV in their hearts and bodies is going to be small. So either they repress their PoV in order to acquire you, or they walk. If the former, you run the risk of weakness leading to lying as with your husband. It is HARD to stay motivated to do something based on someone elses value system when you don't share it. 

- You could choose to be lesbian. Ok just kidding. I don't think that is really a *choice*, you either are or you aren't. But I thought a joke might be fun.

- You can choose to speak with him about porn with an open heart and open mind and try to learn with real understanding how HE views porn and its position in your relationship. It might be an opportunity to learn and grow together. 

I remember feeling as you do. So I know something of what I speak. His use of porn, now that it is no longer on the downlow, is WAY down from where it was. Our sex life could not be better. And our trust is through the roof. Just something to consider.


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## Jamison

Do NOT let anyone tell you porn is ok and all men look at it! That is a bunch of BS and its a cop out. There are actually men out here in the world who do put their relationships and the importance of it above porn. 

Next, if you feel the way you do, then you just do, do NOT let anyone try to change your thoughts on the issue, etc, because its how you feel and thats what matters. 

I will tell you this, since this is something you feel strongly about, then you will have to make a decision on where things stand in your marriage. You can't make him change, you can't make him stop, but you can decide what you will and will not put up with. I'm for working things out in a relationship, BUT if you feel this strongly which is a good thing that you are standing your ground on the issue, then you might have to make a decision, and soon. 

I'm not sure if you knew he was doing this before you all married or not, but it might be benefical too, to try to get involved with someone whose views on the porn issue are the same as yours. Although, yes some people can lie and say they feel the same as you, then you marry and find out its a lie. However, you will have to make a decision, no matter what others here say.


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## woodstock

Syrum said:


> Not true, I liken porn to cheating, and to me it is. I view the people involved as real people (because they are), and men do not need to watch it to get off. I also hate how women are unrealistic in porn, the sex is fake and bad, and teaches men to view women as [email protected] objects, it doesn't help connectivity and closeness.
> 
> Women should not be told to get over it, that is dismissive.
> 
> I get sick of how porn is supposed to be viewed as no big deal, when it can be very damaging to relationships and I view as very damaging to society and women.
> 
> Also if porn is no big deal to him then he should just stop viewing it because it is a big deal to her.



I never said it couldn't be damaging, but you have to be realistic. Is it really HIS problem in this case? Making something much bigger deal than it has to be because of personal issues is just as bad. The big bad porn obsessed hubby hear does not come off sounding like the problem is all i am saying.

And porn is not cheating... no PA no EA... just fantasy... no worse than masturbation. It can be made fun between two people, but REALLY? wanting to walk away because a hubby deployed in iraq spanks it to images? I use porn to get off, if I replace the images of the porn thinking about my SO, dammit... stupid emotions creep in and distract from the chore at hand and it ends up taking forever!!!

This is a special case of issues WAY beyond a little porn


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## trey69

To the OP, the bottom line here is, the way you feel. If you do not like it and he does, then you will have to come to some kind of choice. 

Either you will accept it, which it doesn't like you will because you're adament about not liking it, or you can view naked men and see how he feels about it, or you will need to leave him. I doubt most people want to dissolve a marriage based on their spouse looking at porn, however, sometimes people feel they have no other choice if they aren't willing to accept it. 

I'm not saying whether you should accept it or not, because that is up to you. If what he is doing outweighs that of all other things in the marriage then you might need to think about calling it quits. Just remember chances are, he will not stop just because you want him to or because you do not like it. So you will need to take that into consideration.


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## Mom6547

trey69 said:


> To the OP, the bottom line here is, the way you feel. If you do not like it and he does, then you will have to come to some kind of choice.
> 
> Either you will accept it, which it doesn't like you will because you're adament about not liking it, or you can view naked men and see how he feels about it, or you will need to leave him. I doubt most people want to dissolve a marriage based on their spouse looking at porn, however, sometimes people feel they have no other choice if they aren't willing to accept it.


I think this is close... but not quite right. I would fear that if she just "accepted" it, it would breed resentment and distrust. If she were going to go down the path of accepting it, I would highly recommend full truth discussions in which he has the freedom in safety to try to explain HIS point of view about it. It would take some effort on her part to attempt to put aside her strong feelings in order to try to understand his.

And who knows, it might turn out that his point of view makes it more crystal clear that he is not the right man for her. If his point of view turns out that women are just ho's or whatever...


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## trey69

I'm simply giving out suggestions for her. I did NOT say she should accept it. 

I also stated I didn't think she should, but it was up to her. No one can make her choices for her, but no, I would hope she wouldn't just accept it.


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## unbelievable

You know he has porn. You don't know why and you don't know what's in his mind when he has sex with you. The man is deployed to a combat zone. He's not messing around on you. He's probably a pretty decent guy who's been sent to a crappy area to do unpleasant things and he's just trying to keep sane. If porn helps him do that, great! You don't know with certainty whether he will even come home or in what condition. Whatever problems exist can be dealt with when he gets back. Right now, it'd be sort of handy if he could keep his head in the game. His job right now is to keep himself and his buddies alive with noodles intact. Suicides aren't uncommon over there and there's usually an unhappy significant other back in the "world" behind most of them. He's got enough drama where he's at. I know you're upset about the porn but he's got the rest of his life to fix his problem and make it up to you. I've been over there twice and I'm going back in a few months. Guys in combat say and do loads of things that would raise eyebrows back in the safety of home. Doesn't mean they're bad, just means they're in a bad place.


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## Mom6547

trey69 said:


> I'm simply giving out suggestions for her. I did NOT say she should accept it.


Oh yes, I know. I was merely making a refinement observation about your suggesting accepting it as one option.


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## trey69

Mom6547 said:


> Oh yes, I know. I was merely making a refinement observation about your suggesting accepting it as one option.


Yes, and thanks for pointing that one out, out of the three I gave. Hopefully others have better ones.


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## WhereAmI

BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Then he had to go away for a month for training...found out the guys were actually passing someones MP3 player around and they were taking turns going into the outhouses to jack off and look at porn..ummm EWWW....OF COURSE....my HUBBY said he passed...LMAO again! I never believed him..and we got into allot of fights over these issues...





BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> BUT...then...I just knew he was full of it...and we wasted several phone calls, which should have been sweet, and full of love..I mean he WAS in Iraq...but I just knew. He started telling me he was sick of this $hit, if I was goin to be like this 50 years down the road, I needed help, I needed pills, I needed to go talk to someone!


So you admit you routinely start fights because you have a feeling he's doing something wrong? Do you see the problem with this? I agree with your husband that you need to talk to someone. 

You're also showing him that honesty is not the best policy. If he were to admit to you that he slipped up and watched porn you'd threaten to leave. A little understanding goes a long way. 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Well....turns out..after ALL the crying...ALL the talks with out pastor, all the talks with the chaplin, all the conversations we had...for over 7 months.....HE WAS LYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DID WATCH PORN! HE WAS FULL OF IT! HE DID LIE TO ME! TO THE PASTOR! TO THE CHAPLIN! And to make me think it was ME..and that I NEEDED pills, help, counseling...and I WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE FREGGIN TIME!!!!


How do you know this? 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> This showed me the depth he could go. And that scared me. And to think that HE KNEW EXACTLY what would happen if he did this, and did it anyways.....


Have you done EXACTLY what you said you'd do in this situation? If not, you should probably come up with something realistic.



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Now..this killed me because of the obvious. but to think that I was making him videos...and that he actually choose that crap over me....how the hell couldnt you take that personal! It crushed me..I feel soo ugly, horrid, I mean I deff cant measure up to that, but to put all I had into making him the videos and to get rejected.....dont sit there and tell me how beautiful I am and how sexy...when OBVIOUSLY Im not..cuz if I was, you would have chosen MY VIDEO!!!


Have you based your self esteem on how a man feels about you all your life? That's definitely something to look into. I understand feeling rejected and trying to find fault in yourself when something like this happens. I hope that soon after you were able to see yourself as a beautiful woman regardless. 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Its been 6 months since hes been home. And its been hell. We try, he tries, but I just cant get over it. Its hard for me to let him see me now...when its like...I know hes comparing me to those ****s..I got cheese..bet they didnt. I have strech marks...bt they didnt. My boobs arent all firm and bouncy..bet theirs were!


And he's still with YOU! Not some 20 year old who he could probably pick up by simply saying, "I'm in the military!" You know there are females who are after just.that.thing.



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> I know hes sorry. And he does try, but heres the other details...
> He's lied about the computer porn, which he STILL didnt admit. Even after admitting the porn while in Iraq...And FINALLY admitted it AFTER about 2 months of being home.
> 
> I STILL dont believe him about not watching it on the MP3 player..I mean, come on!


That's your issue. It's possible that he's lying to you, but suppose he comes clean. Does it change how you feel? He's already admitted to looking at porn. I guarantee you that your reactions have made him dread telling the truth. It certainly doesn't make lying right, but try to see things from his POV.




BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Hes lied numerous times about dumb things..and is always bringing his mom into things then lying about it...its all LIES LIES LIES...


Are these actual lies, or things you think he's lied about? If they're actual, then I'd address this before the porn. You don't address it by yelling, blaming, or threatening. You change YOUR attitude. Try to see your emotions as a barrier to civil conversation and offer him a safe place to share his mistakes. If you want to know the truth, you need to be able to handle it. That doesn't mean you can't be upset or feel hurt. It means that when he comes forward about something and you're feeling like you're going to have an outburst, that you tell him you need time to internalize things. It will be devilishly hard at first, but at the moment you're a big part of the reason he's lying. Would you want to be attacked for every mistake you've made? 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> I cant even go a day without giving him a 101 question survey of what he did..who he was with...at what time...I mean OMG..I HATE this person Ive turned into! Im sure he does too...Im simply drained!


Sure you can. Do it today. Resist the temptation. You're being extremely controlling. Do you want to be with someone you have to control? If not, then stop trying to control him. You can survive without him, so there's no need to bend him to your will. 




BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Is it time to say..ya know what..Ive tried and tried and given my all...and have still gotten screwed over time and time again...why would I suddenly believe you this time...I just wanna go and be happy and be done with this.


Now isn't the time for that. You haven't done everything you can. You've put the entire marriage on his shoulders without accepting responsibility for your actions. Letting him know that you realize you're part of the problem will be a big step in fixing things. Stop concentrating on what he can do to make this marriage better and concentrate on what you can do (NOT what you can do to him).


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## CallaLily

I'm not sure what to tell you. I hope something works out for you though. 

Hey trey, even though one of your suggestions was "accept it" and you used the word "accept", some peoples post even though they didn't use the word, still wreaks of them trying to tell the OP to accept it, in a round about way.


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## Mom6547

It comes down to a choice:

- find someone who shares this core value.

- see if there is room for compromise through mutual understanding.

Seems pretty straight forward.


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## e.dawne

wow hazel-definatly a touchy subject!! Basically i think there are a lot of different views. I think what it might come down to-for you- is that it seems like this was a problem BEFORE you started this relationship, and from what i read (and hope) you communicated your position-actually it sounds like this issue is very much a "deal breaker" for you- to your DH when you got involved. So in that aspect, you tell him that this is an important, touchy, subject for you and please respect my wishes on it and in theory he should have noticed that this was the one thing you needed to be heard and respected on. I mean no one can blame you- for WHATEVER reasons you have this is what you choose to stand up for and draw the line on. Some people its different and for whatever reasons-if this is what you want then whomever you have a relationship needs to make sure that they toe the line around this subject. I also hear your fear in this subject, and to that extent i hope that maybe you can talk to someone(maybe your pastor) and find out what your issues on this are and maybe they can help you heal somewhat (if that is in fact what YOU want to do) No one needs to have an issue with something (ie your issues with porn) that take over so much of their life (ie-tracking down how and when he is doing all this stuff), it must be horrible letting this effect you so much. (im not trying to be sarcastic-i wish you could just have peace) It sounds like this has really hurt you- and it should with all of him- lieing and decieving you. Anyone who tramples on your trust and then admitting it will definatly make a difference. I think this situation would be hard for anyone- you dont have the next year or two to work it out. But i really admire you for sticking to your guns with this issue- you sound like a really strong person. I think it comes down to your relationship- do you want to make it work? is he willing to hear how much his actions are hurting you? its hard because you are working on a time line and when he goes away it will be for a year (man you are amazing that you can do that! i dont think i could handle my man being away for so long). Maybe if you decide to make it work- he could be talking to (his?) pastor while overseas and you can be talking to (maybe?) the same pastor and talking about how this could come to a better outcome. I really wish you all the strength you need for this because you are definatly dealing with a LOT of other factors (ie- time and that fact that he will be in a different COUNTRY!)  I wish you find peace on this issue hazeleyes, i really do. GOOD LUCK!


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## Hicks

His actions are completely normal. Men have high sex drives and are visually stimulated. Compound that with stress of being stationed in Iraq and apart from his source of sexual fulfillment. You are being estremely selfish and not putting your children first in choosing to divorce a husband that is acting normally.


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## BehindTheseHazelEyes

Well...Let me add a few things.

I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God. Because since the begining of time, God stated it was bad! And yes it can be a form of affair. And a person LUSTING after another, in ANYWAY is in fact, a sin. So if you do not believe this, dont bother leaving a reply, as I am seeking someone who can be on the same page as me. Not saying you have to agree to the extent, but at least know that Porn is bad. 

There is a book called EVERY MANS BATTLE...I started to read a bit, and if one would read as well, you would too, find that PORN is SOO much deeper than some of you think. And that if it wasnt a big deal, then such help and resources wouldnt exsist and wouldnt be tearing apart so many marriages. 

Im sorry, but its not me! Its not simply in my head, and simply something I need to get over. Its something that is WRONG and I married a man who believed that as well...but gave into temptation.

I didnt post this in hopes that someone would change my view or debat that porn is ok...I want advice from people that agree and can help me from there on out!

Thank you to those who DO understand for your advice!!!

We just started going to see someone. He is sorry and I know he is, this isnt a issue we deal with all the time. Im not saying its a one time thing, but my issues are THE FACT THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME, BETRAYED ME AND LIED TO ME!!!! I dont care WHAT topic this is caused from ITS STILL WRONG! Mine happen to be about a subject YES very sensitive to me! I dont care if you think watching porn is better than cheating, in my eyes its a form! And again..dont try to tell me what is right and wrong from YOUR point of view, Im asking views of those who know porn is wrong. 

Im worried about ever being able to trust again. If lies keep going on and for him to betray ME in one of the worst ways (I FEEL) then what to do now? 

I fear that just as we start to get somewhere, he'll leave. And to the person that made the commet about him being deployed and me asking 20 questions..I DONT GIVE A RIP WHERE YOU ARE, WHAT YOURE DOING----BEING HONEST AND LOYAL IN A MARRIAGE STILL IS A MUST!


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## reachingshore

HazelEyes,

I have a completely different view on porn, however you are right when you say what's really important here is betrayal of trust.

The bone of contention here is porn though. He doesn't share that core value with you, so it will happen again. If it doesn't, it might progress to him cheating with an actual woman, while he's deployed.

How did you know he actually watched porn, when he had your homemade videos? These suspicions based on unconfirmed "information" you have had a "feeling" about.. this is something you should address, by yourself and for yourself.


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## COGypsy

Hey there Hazel Eyes,
While I agree with some of the others that the issue really has to do with broken trust, in reading your original post, I have to say that unless you find a very unique kind of guy, you're probably going to keep having this problem no matter who you're with. From the start, you basically say that your husband isn't going to be any different than any other guy you've ever been with, so he was essentially already a point down before you even started. If you walk into relationships convinced you're going to get screwed over, you're going to just keep repeating the pattern. 

Just for the sake of argument, let's take the word "porn" off the table. Take away the value judgment whether it's good/bad/tolerable or whatever and just look at how things snowballed. We'll use another temptation instead....chocolate 



> I told my hubby before we got married how I have ZERO tolerance for this _*chocolate*_! He agreed. I was a lil skeptical b/c well...EVERY OTHER GUY I WAS WITH HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT!





> Numerous things came up that made me question. It started with his *backpack*. When I first moved in after we got married (he was stationed in a different state and I had to move there) I found his *backpack*...with lots of *chocolate in* it. I flipped! I had asked him before if he has *eaten* it at ALL since we've be married..he reassured me he hasn't. So when I found this, I was like...LIAR!!! He swore up and down it was when...ready for this...."When I let my buddies borrow my *backpack* in the barracks..its not mine, I swear!" LMFAO.....
> 
> Then he had to go away for a month for training...found out the guys were actually passing someones *care package* around and they were taking turns going into the outhouses to *eat chocolate*..ummm EWWW....OF COURSE....my HUBBY said he passed...LMAO again! I never believed him..and we got into allot of fights over these issues...


Do you kind of see where this is already turning into a police state? On the one hand, yes, if _chocolate_ is a big deal, you have the right to ask about it....but this sounds like a lot more than asking...more like interrogation. Of course he's going to start feeling defensive, whether he ate that _chocolate_ or not!



> I felt the need to do everything I could to ease his need for *chocolate*...so we would make _*cookies*_ for each other.





> he got to wake up to a email from me that as his personal *bakery* doing whatever he wanted, and he could feel guilt free knowing it was ME and not doing anything wrong.





> BUT...then...I just knew he was full of it...and we wasted several phone calls, which should have been sweet, and full of love..I mean he WAS in Iraq...but I just knew. He started telling me he was sick of this $hit, if I was goin to be like this 50 years down the road, I needed help, I needed pills, I needed to go talk to someone!


This is where it gets a little out of hand--you "just knew" and so from half a world away you're using the limited time you have to communicate with him to fight about something you can't even prove. Based on the fact that A) Other guys you've been with have _eaten chocolate_, B) you found _chocolate in his backpack_ when you moved in (you didn't mention anything about since then) and C) guys around him had _chocolate_.

And now suddenly clergy on two continents are involved in this and apparently fighting these battles for the two of you. How exactly did that happen? Because now it looks as though the fight is getting just dirty...

So then after what looks like two years or so of constant fighting and questioning about his _chocolate_ he finally confesses and you've "won", and that's the part you choose to believe and act on. The confession that comes after literally years of arguing about it. 

You say that every day you question him about everything he's seen and done while he was away from you and that you're not going to possibly be able to trust him while he's away. But the reality is that from what you said, you never really trusted him while he was away from you at all.

So yes, there is absolutely a rift between you that you're going to have to work on....or not. But whether you stay with him or go, really take a look at the part both of you played so that you don't go into yet another relationship that plays out like this.


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## 827Aug

A Note From a Moderator:
Some of you are trying to turn this into a debate over porn. Please don't go there! If you can't give advice within the parameters of BehindTheseHazelEyes's thread, you probably need to refrain from posting in this thread. 

__________________________________________________________________________





Mom6547 said:


> It comes down to a choice:
> 
> - find someone who shares this core value.
> 
> - see if there is room for compromise through mutual understanding.
> 
> Seems pretty straight forward.


This is what it ultimately comes down to. Trust is now broken and boundaries have been crossed. That's a lot of damage to repair. 

Not all men cheat and not all men look at porn. Many people lead fulfilled and happy lives without these vices. People can be forced to give up many things in life--but, their faith should not one of them. Talk to your minister about this. He or she can give you excellent advice. Above all else ask God for guidance.


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## Blanca

BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> There is a book called EVERY MANS BATTLE...I started to read a bit, and if one would read as well, you would too, find that PORN is SOO much deeper than some of you think. And that if it wasnt a big deal, then such help and resources wouldnt exsist and wouldnt be tearing apart so many marriages.


It is a huge deal! My H battles a porn addiction and I thought it was simply a physical lust but its actually an incredibly emotional battle for him. Its much deeper then i would have ever thought. 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> He is sorry and I know he is, this isnt a issue we deal with all the time. Im not saying its a one time thing, but my issues are THE FACT THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME, BETRAYED ME AND LIED TO ME!!!! I dont care WHAT topic this is caused from ITS STILL WRONG! Mine happen to be about a subject YES very sensitive to me! I dont care if you think watching porn is better than cheating, in my eyes its a form! And again..dont try to tell me what is right and wrong from YOUR point of view, Im asking views of those who know porn is wrong.
> 
> Im worried about ever being able to trust again. If lies keep going on and for him to betray ME in one of the worst ways (I FEEL) then what to do now?


This is where Im at in my marriage. my H lied about porn and hid it. I was so hurt that he would do something like that. I still dont completely trust him but my anger and resentment is much less these days. He's doing a lot of things that show me he was sorry and he is changing. 

Hang in there! Your H is going through a lot and its a very difficult battle, especially because no one thinks a guy should need to stop looking at porn. My H and I have battled this for a few years and things are really turning around for us. 

There is a great book my H and I do called Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Cloud and Townsend that you will want to read. It is religious centered and I found it extremely helpful.


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## Hicks

Porn is a sin. But, divorce is a sin. Having children out of wedlock is a sin. Having sex before marriage is a sin. Prior sex partners can be considered a betrayal of your spouse. Everyone sins every day. Everyone betrays every day. At some point you have to start operating for the benefit of the children you chose to have, and look past the rules you feel entitled to enforce against the rest of humanity. Allow God to do his job of Judgment and you do your job of Mothering.


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## anx

The way you worded this and a lot in your post really concerns me.


> And again..dont try to tell me what is right and wrong from YOUR point of view, Im asking views of those who know porn is wrong.


 You asked for advise from a VERY diverse group of people. As a man with a similar background to your own, get in counseling and talk about this. At this point you are so mad that you aren't going to be able to talk to your husband about this in a constructive manner. As much as you view porn as wrong, the divorce that comes from you being this angry and split over this isn't going to be any better.

You seem VERY angry about this. Your church probably gives free individual and couples counseling, and I suggest you talk to somewhere there about it.

Yes your husband screwed up, but from what I read, part of the issue lies with you. A few posters have said this. This doesn't have to do with porn. Its HOW you talked about this.

A lot of us have gone through betrail, lies, hurt, and other issues. My MC story is in my profile if you care to read it.



> Im sorry, but its not me! Its not simply in my head, and simply something I need to get over.


 You and you husband agreeing that porn isn't ok is fine. How you have BOTH responded to it is bad. Its too easy to see all the issues your partner has and none of your own, and this mindset ruin many marriages. This is what a lot of posters have commented on. This isn't 100% your husbands problem.

I have an extended family member that isn't willing to go to faith based counseling through the church they attend because its embarrassing and lives in the same house with the estranged spouse. I really think the answers you are looking for are there and not on these forums.

Also 


> Then he had to go away for a month for training...found out the guys were actually passing someones MP3 player around and they were taking turns going into the outhouses to jack off and look at porn..ummm EWWW....OF COURSE....my HUBBY said he passed...LMAO again! I never believed him..and we got into allot of fights over these issues...


 If he didn't look at porn it didn't even matter. You were mad at him anyways. If he did pass like he said, you were a jerk to him. Why would he tell you this story if he didn't pass?



> He started telling me he was sick of this $hit, if I was goin to be like this 50 years down the road, I needed help, I needed pills, I needed to go talk to someone!


 I agree. You don't sound like you are any fun to have as a wife right now. You seem like you are mad and blame it all on him. What man when faced with porn vs. waiting for his wife for MANY months would choose waiting when his wife is this mad at him. He is going to give up on trying if you are just going to be mad at him no matter what he does (see the story where he said he passed).

Get in counseling with your church and start seeing yourself as part of the issue.


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## WhereAmI

BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Well...Let me add a few things.
> 
> I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God.


Would God want you to attack someone for sinning, or help them along the path to righteousness?

Would God give up on your husband? 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> I didnt post this in hopes that someone would change my view or debat that porn is ok...I want advice from people that agree and can help me from there on out!


I empathize. However, I think you need to change your tactics in order to get your marriage back on track. You need to be a safe place for your husband. Right now, he probably feels the least safe when he's in your presence. 

Admitting your faults and working on them is not a failure nor is it giving him a pass. It shows that you are willing to do everything you can to fix this marriage. 



BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Im not saying its a one time thing, but my issues are THE FACT THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME, BETRAYED ME AND LIED TO ME!!!! I dont care WHAT topic this is caused from ITS STILL WRONG!


Yes, it's wrong. The way you're handling the situation is wrong as well. You are breeding resentment with your behavior. When you're drilling him about his every move do you think he's thinking "I shouldn't have looked at porn or lied" OR "She's really getting out of hand." He's not going to be able to focus on his behavior until you're able to approach the situation calmly.


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## Mom6547

827Aug said:


> Not all men cheat and not all men look at porn. Many people lead fulfilled and happy lives without these vices. People can be forced to give up many things in life--but, their faith should not one of them. Talk to your minister about this. He or she can give you excellent advice. Above all else ask God for guidance.


Talking to the minister is good advice. One does not need to *give up* their faith. But one might be inclined to challenge or examine it and what it really means. For myself, I am not religious. I do not believe in God. But I am educated in Catholicism having gone to almost exclusively Catholic schools all the way through college. It seems to me that the Bible is as clear as mud on this subject. If you read St. Paul you are going to get a view of sexuality that is completely out of touch with the rest of the gospels. 

So in that sense I think Aug's advice to speak to the minister is a good one since his job is to help understand faith.


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## anx

One last thing along the lines of my previous post. Currently, it sounds like you hold anger and contempt for you husband. He knows that when he comes home you are going to fight again about this. 

This is the part you have to get unstuck from. You need to show him love, forgiveness, and still make this work.

I've been a big fan of the gottman MC books. Contempt really is very poisonous to a marriage, and from what I read you are full of it right now. 

If you have ever thought "he doesn't deserve/shouldn't to be hurt about what is happening with porn and fighting about he, he is the one who messed up not me", then get help now.

He will never be able to heal and resist the urge to watch porn without the space to do it in. Yes he lied to you and thats wrong. You are just as wrong in your part of this. You aren't the loving and supporting wife he needs to get past this or that he wants to be married to. No one wants to be married to someone who is just going to not trust them and be angry at them all the time.

Like he said, he doesn't want to deal with it. Even if he never watches porn again, he feels like you will never trust him and always be on his case about it. If you even suspect he did something, you will blame him and not believe him if he didn't do anything.

I really wish you the best. This will be hard for both of you to get past. You can do it. Figure this out and make this work.


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## Confused-Wife

Mom6547 said:


> Fault shmalt. Who cares about fault. The question is what are you going to DO about it? I am going to share an opinion here. But first I am going to tell you what I would your husband if he were here. He isn't. But it might be helpful Do not lie to your wife. Let her know who you are in all regards. If you feel that there is nothing wrong with porn, then STAND UP for that point of view and face the rain. Obviously getting caught in lies serves nothing. Work THROUGH the difference, not around it.
> 
> Now to you. I would suggest that before you decide on a course of action, you make a strong attempt at understanding how many men view porn. And sex. You have a very strong view of what porn is. And you perceive that your view is the only view. And the RIGHT view. But there are other views which may or may not be right.
> 
> Let's take my husband for example. He watches porn. He uses it to grease the imagination when he is rubbing one out for quick release. It is not *instead* of sex or *instead* of me. It is something else. I like to take baths. They are relaxing, leisurely, comforting. But sometimes I take a quick shower. The shower is not a comparison of the bath. It is something else.
> 
> I am hot and sexy. And my husband loves me, my body and loads of crazy sex. But I am 42. I am never going to have a 20 year old body again. Yah looking at a 20 year old body is nice. He doesn't want to be with a 20 year old. Lord knows that eventually they would open their mouths, and that would be the end of that! He loves me. He wants me. And I am confident enough of what I DO have for him that having him look at some pics to rub one out every once in a while is not a biggie.
> 
> So you have one point of view, porn is awful. And I agree with you that he should not have lied to you. But I can understand why he would feel he had to with the vehemence of your position.
> 
> What stands before you now is a choice of what YOU are going to do. I see a few choices
> 
> - Choose to continue in your position that porn is this evil. Particularly since it seems that this position is based in religion, it is a reasonable position to maintain. BUT it has some practical downsides to it. Your pool of candidates that REALLY agree with this PoV in their hearts and bodies is going to be small. So either they repress their PoV in order to acquire you, or they walk. If the former, you run the risk of weakness leading to lying as with your husband. It is HARD to stay motivated to do something based on someone elses value system when you don't share it.
> 
> - You could choose to be lesbian. Ok just kidding. I don't think that is really a *choice*, you either are or you aren't. But I thought a joke might be fun.
> 
> - You can choose to speak with him about porn with an open heart and open mind and try to learn with real understanding how HE views porn and its position in your relationship. It might be an opportunity to learn and grow together.
> 
> I remember feeling as you do. So I know something of what I speak. His use of porn, now that it is no longer on the downlow, is WAY down from where it was. Our sex life could not be better. And our trust is through the roof. Just something to consider.


I think you should read this post very closely at least ten times. Let it absorb into your thinking. This person is telling you that it might or might not be ok, but perspective is what matters here. This is a well-thought out, logical, and extremely helpful post.


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## Halien

BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> Well...Let me add a few things.
> 
> I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God. Because since the begining of time, God stated it was bad! And yes it can be a form of affair. And a person LUSTING after another, in ANYWAY is in fact, a sin. So if you do not believe this, dont bother leaving a reply, as I am seeking someone who can be on the same page as me. Not saying you have to agree to the extent, but at least know that Porn is bad.
> 
> There is a book called EVERY MANS BATTLE...I started to read a bit, and if one would read as well, you would too, find that PORN is SOO much deeper than some of you think. And that if it wasnt a big deal, then such help and resources wouldnt exsist and wouldnt be tearing apart so many marriages.
> 
> Im sorry, but its not me! Its not simply in my head, and simply something I need to get over. Its something that is WRONG and I married a man who believed that as well...but gave into temptation.
> 
> I didnt post this in hopes that someone would change my view or debat that porn is ok...I want advice from people that agree and can help me from there on out!
> 
> Thank you to those who DO understand for your advice!!!
> 
> We just started going to see someone. He is sorry and I know he is, this isnt a issue we deal with all the time. Im not saying its a one time thing, but my issues are THE FACT THAT HE DISRESPECTED ME, BETRAYED ME AND LIED TO ME!!!! I dont care WHAT topic this is caused from ITS STILL WRONG! Mine happen to be about a subject YES very sensitive to me! I dont care if you think watching porn is better than cheating, in my eyes its a form! And again..dont try to tell me what is right and wrong from YOUR point of view, Im asking views of those who know porn is wrong.
> 
> Im worried about ever being able to trust again. If lies keep going on and for him to betray ME in one of the worst ways (I FEEL) then what to do now?
> 
> I fear that just as we start to get somewhere, he'll leave. And to the person that made the commet about him being deployed and me asking 20 questions..I DONT GIVE A RIP WHERE YOU ARE, WHAT YOURE DOING----BEING HONEST AND LOYAL IN A MARRIAGE STILL IS A MUST!


Personally, I don't look at porn, but I'm not about to throw rocks at those who do. I'm a man, and a Christian, so but tend to respond to language more than the visual side of things. One thing that bothers anyone with an ounce of testosterone is a judgemental spouse. Who is to say that porn is the greater sin? Is it worse than cursing, like the title here? It just tends to be the one that gets Christian men hamstrung, just like judgmentalism or self-righteousness sometimes grips their wives.

You don't know me from Jack, but the porn is not an intentional slam against you. So, you're left with two options. Divorce him and repeat the process with the next guy, or try to work with him through this in a non-judgemental fashion. If he can elevate you to a pedestal because you are always in his corner, he'll not only work through the porn, but grow with you in less superficial ways.


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## snix11

"So you admit you routinely start fights because you have a feeling he's doing something wrong? Do you see the problem with this? I agree with your husband that you need to talk to someone.

You're also showing him that honesty is not the best policy. If he were to admit to you that he slipped up and watched porn you'd threaten to leave. A little understanding goes a long way"

good call. fix yourself and the porn won't seem as much of a daemon...


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## Therealbrighteyes

This isn't about porn, people....this is about trust. She made it perfectly clear that porn was not going to be a part of her marriage. He lied to her and shreaded her trust. This is about lying. Those of you who say "It's just porn get over it" let me ask you....what are your dealbreakers? What if you had awful past experiences with say the color yellow and came home to find your kitchen freshly painted in that color? Would it be okay for your spouse to say "Oh, it's just paint"? The fact is her husband knew what her dealbreaker was and this was it. It doesn't matter if he was in a time capsule or in Iraq, he knew what she was and was not comfortable with and he broke her trust. To many of you it might sound idiotic but ask yourselves what defines a dealbreaker. Each of us have our own. I have a relative who lost her husband to lung cancer. She is now dating again and if her boyfriend lit up one night, she would view it as a huge betrayal and dealbreaker. Would those of you be so quick to say "It's just a cigarette?" 
Her pain is real and it is normal. I have no idea why she is being painted as some drama queen who just needs to get over it.


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## Blanca

Brennan said:


> This isn't about porn, people....this is about trust. She made it perfectly clear that porn was not going to be a part of her marriage. He lied to her and shreaded her trust. This is about lying. Those of you who say "It's just porn get over it" let me ask you....what are your dealbreakers? What if you had awful past experiences with say the color yellow and came home to find your kitchen freshly painted in that color? Would it be okay for your spouse to say "Oh, it's just paint"? The fact is her husband knew what her dealbreaker was and this was it. It doesn't matter if he was in a time capsule or in Iraq, he knew what she was and was not comfortable with and he broke her trust. To many of you it might sound idiotic but ask yourselves what defines a dealbreaker. Each of us have our own. I have a relative who lost her husband to lung cancer. She is now dating again and if her boyfriend lit up one night, she would view it as a huge betrayal and dealbreaker. Would those of you be so quick to say "It's just a cigarette?"
> Her pain is real and it is normal. I have no idea why she is being painted as some drama queen who just needs to get over it.


:smthumbup::iagree: Well said. So many people miss the point...


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## anx

Your right, but in the mean time, you can't treat him like crap. He did mess up, but either get rid of him or be a good wife towards him. Make your boundaries known.

If the lack of trust is making him want to not come back to you, you need to go one of two ways. Harboring anger and contempt towards her husband will destroy whats left of the marriage whether or not he looks at porn ever again.


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## BehindTheseHazelEyes

THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO DID SEE MY POINT AND UNDERSTOOD THIS WASNT ALL ABOUT THE PORN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

With that being said, thanks for all advice and time. I would love to continue to write how I feel but..we had our second session today with one of the top ppl that deal specifically with sexual addiction...and GUESS WHAT PEOPLE.....

I DONT HAVE TO GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!

In fact, the other day my hubby came home, we were kissing and being loving (YES OMG, Im not all Bitc* here! Its not like Im hating on him 24/7) But then 20 min later I was in a completly diff mood...HE brought this up to the Therp and wondered why and how....well the Therp said..

"Youre actually wondering WHY? Gee, lets think about it..of course shes going to go up and down, of course one minute she'll be fine and loving, and thats a good thing because the passion is still there, but then yes, she throws her gaurd back up...BECAUSE SHE DOESNT TRUST YOU. Its not going to magically go away. Shes confronted with reality every hour, and that is that there is no trust, and YOURE the one who burned that. So now you dont need to wonder why, when you know why!"

I didnt even realize why I would flip a switch..but hes exactly right. I HATE going up and down all the time, but Im glad to know that its normal. I was betrayed, lied to and hurt. We have an EXTREMELY long road ahead of us...

It does go sooo much deeper than allot of you may think. And that makes me sad to know you are so los to not see that. NExt time youre making love to your wife/hubby and the thought of someone else comes into your mind...thats when I say I TOLD YA SO..!

Theres a connection we can have that not many have. Im excited to get that, tho very hard work and many many tears will come, I can only hope we reach it. It makes me sad to know how and what guys do to themselfs without even realizing it. But everytime they give into porn, its just letting the enemy win and youre loosing that connection with your spouse more and more. If you dont agree..thats ok. I simply feel bad that you will never even know that a connection of this level even exsist, and if you think Im wrong, that just proves my point! 

Thank you again, truly to you all who understood me. I have faith that things will work. Yes Im still angry, scared, worried, hurt..but I also DO have love and hope and dreams I wanna share with this man, after all..isnt that why Im so concerend!


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## anx

I'm happy that you and your husband are working this out and are in MC.

I'm from a very similar background to your own. It bugged me how you worded the quotes below. Before you don't check this thread ever again, I just wanted to bring it up. I don't have anything else to say about how you worded these, they just struck me really strangely.



> I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God.





> NExt time youre making love to your wife/hubby and the thought of someone else comes into your mind...thats when I say I TOLD YA SO..!





> If you dont agree..thats ok. I simply feel bad that you will never even know that a connection of this level even exsist, and if you think Im wrong, that just proves my point!


Best of Luck


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## BehindTheseHazelEyes

Well..to the first quote:
"I am a strong believer in porn being something bad. If you are one to think otherwise, well you must not believe in God."

----I say this because anyone who believes in God, knows that the word (BIBLE) says porn is NOT ok. And for someone to think they can twist around the word and think something along the lines of "Well I believe in God, I love God, but porn is ok because...."
that is wrong. We cannot put our own thoughts into what WE think the Bible means, its there, black and white. Either you try your best to live by it, or you dont. And thats exactly how God will judge you. Because we are all born sinners, its the fact that you repent and ask for forgivness and constantly trying to live your life for him is what matters. I guess what I really meant was something more like, if you think porn is ok for WHATEVER reason on ANY level, then altho you may still believe in God, youre not living the right way. You cannot have Both. Cannot believe in God-meaning believe what his words are and still find nothing wrong with porn. Because that would be going against his words. Therefore, not believing in him, because his words are him.

Second quote:
"Next time youre making love to your wife/hubby and the thought of someone else comes into your mind...thats when I say I TOLD YA SO..!"

----I say this because so many claim they arent doing anything wrong by watching porn, and they are still able to have a good sex life with their spouse. This is not true. And everyone is guilty at it. The more you watch porn, you are implanting unrealistic thoughts and images of SOMEONE else. And that person sometimes wonders why they dont find their spouse attractive anymore. Why they cant last long or get it up and thats why porn is so appealing to them, because those people appear flawless, and are always there, willing to do whatever, whenever(in your mind) Your spouse cannot compete with that!...There is no connection with your spouse..at some point the person will always go back to a image or thought (Porn based) and use that as their arousal. Even though they are having sex with their mate, they are actually picturing someone else. I say I TOLD YA SO because when that happens, and it will, people will know exactly what Im talking about and maybe go "Oh crap...shes right...I was totally thinkin about that instead of my husband, wife."

Third:

"If you dint agree..thats ok. I simply feel bad that you will never even know that a connection of this level even exist, and if you think Im wrong, that just proves my point! "

----Im not here to MAKE people see my point but at least putting out there my feelings that are not only feelings but facts. Hopefully someone will understand it and realize things need to change in their life. I was however, yes being forward. Because I DO believe if you dont see anything wrong, that can only mean you do not see what connection one could have. If you knew, at the smallest measure the greatness of what exist between a man and wife, the PURITY, the INTIMACY, the EMOTIONAL, CHEMICAL, MENTAL connection, then you would see that porn will not help. That there is GREATER pleasure out there. Its sad that most people will be blinded and think there is no greater pleasure than porn. Its sad that they honestly believe this. I dont know, but If I simply heard that there was better greatness than what I thought existed, Id try like heck for it! I mean, a better relationship with your spouse, with God, with yourself. All guilt-free, and the fullest rewarding pleasure of all...sounds good. Allot of work yes..but once the enemy steals that away, you will have to work to get it back. but itll be worth it. I know Its going to be extremely hard..but well...life as I know it now sucks and isnt going to get any better. So..Im going to try my hardest, and fight the enemy, for I have the Lord on my side, and I can only win! And I will live an abundant life full of love and happiness and that, my people is just the tip of the greatness God has to offer. 

Blessings and good luck..it seems as tho I have found my light, even tho its always been there, sometimes you need pure darkness to see the little shimmer**


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## WhereAmI

BehindTheseHazelEyes said:


> ----Im not here to MAKE people see my point but at least putting out there my feelings that are not only feelings but facts.


Feelings involve perception. Perception is not fact. 

I hope your MC is working with you so you can respond appropriately to your husband's mistakes. It takes two to have a healthy marriage.


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## anx

> it seems as tho I have found my light, even tho its always been there, sometimes you need pure darkness to see the little shimmer**


 Very true. Best of luck in your story. MC is hard work.


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## BehindTheseHazelEyes

WhereAmI said:


> Feelings involve perception. Perception is not fact.
> 
> I hope your MC is working with you so you can respond appropriately to your husband's mistakes. It takes two to have a healthy marriage.



thats why I said feelings AND facts. Feelings usually are based on facts. 




And to who asked how I just knew....

His stories werent adding up, the timing and everything was not clear. It all lead to that he might be doing something wrong. At that point, yes I was fearing the worse, BUT then then facts came in.

I first had a conversation with someone who was there with him and said he could hear the porn he was watching, not knowing I had major issues with porn, he continued to give details. I later then confronted my DH and of course all lies. Even causing that person to change his story and doing the typical guy thing and "Backing up their buddy"....but I knew the truth because everything the person told me, and from all the things that didnt add up from DH..it all fit. 

THEN the ringer was..in a video my DH had sent me, he forgot to turn the computer off in the backround and for a min yu coudl see what was on. This was in his room. So....I had proof as well as all the things that didnt add up..finally made sense when all this happen.

And its not llke I would go at him with a fight ready to happen, BUT when I am not being told the truth and knowing that I wasnt based on HIS actions (Ie: story always changing, forgetting what he told me, ect..) Yes, im naturally going to be uptight...

Let me ask you-

If someone came to you and said your car was broke into and your cds were stolen...wouldnt you assume they had something to do with it? I mean, how else would they know your cd's were stolen in YOUR car?! And then that person says well...I just assumed cds were taken because they usually are...and then suddenly they change it and say well I seen so and so by your car...but then changes the story again and says..hey btw..I found all 8 of the cds that were stolen from your car....HOW WOULD THEY KNOW THERE WAS 8???!!! Do you see my point?! This is what it was like.


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## DanF

I'd like to see the Bible reference on porn...

You post a lot of your very strong, one sided opinions as fact.
How long have you been married? 3 years?
I have been with the same woman for 30 years. We both have viewed porn with and without each other. I have never thought of a porn star while making love to my wife. In fact, I usually think of my wife while watching porn!



> ya know...its men like you who cause breakups and relationship issues.


There is absolutely nothing that I could do to cause a break up or issue in another marriage because of my opinion on pornography.


I think you are a very angry person and frankly, I doubt that your husband will ever be able to do anything right in your mind. You will always find a fault, a crack to dig an open wide.
3 years so far? I don't give it 4.


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## Crankshaw

:iagree:


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## Atholk

If we aren't allowed to debate the pros and cons of porn based on the orginial posters religious beliefs, can we simply move this thread to the "Religions and Spirituality" section so we can safely ignore the thread? There's simply no productive conversation we can have here other than to enable her viewpoint.

All this can be spun both ways anyway. She can say it's not about the porn it's all about the trust. He can say she's emotionally abusive about him meeting a natural biological need.

One can only imagine what he's going through.


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## AgentD

To the OP, do not let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel. If you feel that strongly on something, you deffo should stand your ground, it makes you who you are. There is no right or wrong to feelings. Its just how you feel.


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## 827Aug

AgentD said:


> To the OP, do not let anyone make you feel bad for how you feel. If you feel that strongly on something, you deffo should stand your ground, it makes you who you are. There is no right or wrong to feelings. Its just how you feel.


That's a good way to state it. This post is about one person's beliefs and how to resolve a problem within those parameters. It is not about telling another person their beliefs are wrong. That creates another problem.

BTW, this thread is going to stay in this section. The thread title is clearly about whether to divorce/separate.


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## Syrum

Atholk said:


> If we aren't allowed to debate the pros and cons of porn based on the orginial posters religious beliefs, can we simply move this thread to the "Religions and Spirituality" section so we can safely ignore the thread? There's simply no productive conversation we can have here other than to enable her viewpoint.
> 
> All this can be spun both ways anyway. She can say it's not about the porn it's all about the trust. He can say she's emotionally abusive about him meeting a natural biological need.
> 
> One can only imagine what he's going through.


Telling someone you won't put up with them disrespecting your marriage by using porn is not emotionally abusive and porn is not a need.

It is ridiculous to me how the commodification, degradation and abuse of women has become a right for men, and any objection to that is seen as wrong or prudish.

It doesn't matter if the OP's views are based on religion or not. She let him know straight what was acceptable to her and he married her. What if he had said to her that he thought flirting was crossing the line, that it was something he felt was wrong and it was a boundary he wasn't willing to compromise on. Then she married him and started secretly flirting with men, because he was not able to meet her needs while they were apart? Would that be OK?


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## trey69

When people say, "ALL men look at porn."

They do NOT speak for ALL men, sorry.

Bottom line, for the OP, if you feel the way you do, its ok. I wish you luck and hope that something works out for your situation.


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## not recognizable

Hazeleyes,

I haven't read all the responses yet but I'm going to go ahead anyway.

I'm SO sorry for the pain you are feeling. I know exactly what you mean. I have had that issue not only with my ex, but with other boyfriends as well. Besides the whole problem of the mentality that creates porn, there is that painful issue of one's lover wanting someone else. I don't even like to think about "my man" looking at someone else, as ridiculous as that sounds (everyone looks, including me).

I found out that my ex started renting really hard core videos 9 months into our marriage, despite his talk of how that was wrong to view women that way, etc. I had to work every Saturday, and he would sneak off to the store and rent two or three every weekend. I always wondered why when I came home he was exhausted and half asleep! I found out because one of the women I worked with also worked at the video store. I mentioned quite casually that I had never been there. She stared at me, and then said "uh, yes you have." She actually printed out a list of the movies he had rented, and he had been doing it for almost two years. I was moritfied. She had probably told everyone I worked with thinking that I watched them too. Anyway, we separated for a few months over that mess.

So I know the hurt you are feeling. If it is any consolation at all, I no longer care who watches what. It is a losing battle. I log on to Comcast home page for news of what is going on in the world, and there are a variety of pics and videos of so and so (latest hot babe celebrity) in bikins. Every movie seems to forget there are women in the audience and has to have the perfunctory T and A. It is so aggravating and pervasive that I finally stopped caring. HUGE billboards along our roads have women lounging in bikinis with the caption: "Augment your life" --advertising breast enlargement.

I can say that simply giving up, not caring (although I still get annoyed) is marvelously freeing. It may have come with age, I don't know.

But there is nothing wrong with you, as I think some may have suggested. You are having a normal healthy reaction to a very abnormal unhealthy situation. We scoff at women in Islamic countires wearing burquas, or Victorians referring to legs as limbs, but we as a society have gone to the opposite extreme. It has taken all the mystery and privacy out of sex. 

You will feel better if you can convince yourself to let him do whatever. So the heck what--focus on yourself and what makes you happy. Might not hurt to check out some of the nice looking men either!


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## not recognizable

[I use porn to get off, if I replace the images of the porn thinking about my SO, dammit... stupid emotions creep in and distract from the chore at hand and it ends up taking forever!!!

------

I should add that Woodstock has a good point...my fantasies get pretty wild, and I have also used porn--if there is enough male action that is.

But it took me years to come to that point--I'm not saying that is the right place to be, but I decided to use it to my advantage instead of raging against it. I'm sure I'd still have some jealousy issues if I was brought face to face with a lover watching it!


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