# Independent Thinking - Is it right?



## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

My college freshman daughter wants a friend of the family to take her to college to move her into her dorm room. She doesn't want us, her parents, to do it and plays it down like its no big deal if we don't do it. However, the friend of the family seems to be more friend to my daughter and husband than to me. Over the years, my husband seemed to support the friend and her family and our daughter's relationship with them, more than he supported our family together time. (But that's a separate issue for another time) Our daughter is 18 now (she started relationship with the friend of the family (who lives in a different state) with occasional visits when she was 7 and then spent every summer staying several weeks since age 14. I understand the need for independence now that she's 18 and the need to get away from me for awhile and I did let her know that I will support her choices during this time in her life. I had told her that before I found out that she didn't want us to move her into her dorm. She told her dad and he told me of her desire to do this. She had been apprehensive with me because she felt a burden/weight that I wouldn't be okay that she was eager to be apart from me (my husband worked a lot since she was about 15 so it was just her and I together ALL the time). She's been with the family friend and her family all summer and plans to shop for the dorm room and remain with the family until college begins. In other words, she doesn't want to come back home before college starts. I understand college freshmen go through a lot of changes with their parents at this time in their lives, so I'm thinking I should just hang tight and hang on for the ride until everything settles down. (By the way, she was brought up in a good home, good school, did well in school, basically no trouble with her in all her 18 years, except for some attitude during some of middle school and then again during some of high school. She did some complaining that we were critical and not on the same page growing up too. Normal stuff) My husband and I both apologized for the way we communicated some things and also let her know that as parents, there are things we say and do that she's not going to like or understand. So now, because she has pretty much ceased talking to me and when she does it's one word answers and grunts and also has informed me that her and our family friend are very close, I'm feeling like I would like to have another heart to heart talk with her (we had one a couple of weeks ago). But is the more wise thing to do right now to not talk so much, but rather observe, and be a positive, encouraging voice when she does reach out to me? I'm thinking that to say anything negative about the situation while she's in the "I'm 18" state of mind could do more damage than good for our relationship. What do you think? (By the way, if we did talk, I'd like to talk about her relationship with the family friend and my daughter's choice to keep it separate (no information about her visits) My thought is the family friend took our daughter on as someone to talk adult issues with while she was young. I believe our daughter was drawn in to conversations and perhaps because of the family friends experiences with her mother and with past relationships with men, I think our daughter may have been encouraged to believe age 18 is the end all of everything--that she's a woman now and doesn't have to consider her parents. Again, I understand the need to go and be "free" and although I know she's of age to do some things, it may not be wise or helpful to do some things. Do you understand what I mean? I don't want our daughter to be stunted by me trying to say or manipulate by saying something like "You don't know if you'll ever see us again" or "Don't you want to see Grandmom before you go or your cousins or have a nice dinner together before you go?" Although we may have a right to say those things because after all we are paying for college, I'm thinking she could be forever a "hesitant" person, not being able to fully trust that her decisions are right for her. So again, I ask, is it best to suck this one up?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

who's paying for college and shopping for dorm stuff? The family she is staying with? If you are, then she needs to be more respectful of your feelings. If she thinks that she's an adult now and doesn't have to communicate with you or consider your feelings, then let her pay for everything like an adult. Until she can pay for everything, then there are still rules and code of conduct with you, her parents.

If she is not dependent on you financially, then let her go without you.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I just saw that you are paying for college. So what are the consequences for treating you disrespectfully? What are your boundaries with her? What I read is that you are afraid of loosing your daughter more than afraid of how she is treating you. Who paid for her to visit this family? She sounds like an entitled princess. Does your daughter work in the summer to help pay for this visit? Sounds like she likes you as an ATM and not much more. I think this family friend is toxic to your family relationships.

Tell your daughter that since you are paying for college, you want to see where she is living and meet her room mates. Also you need to communicate how you expect to be treated if you are to continue to pay her way. Set down rules. If she doesn't like it or throw a temper tantrum, then you need to enforce those boundaries and some hard consequences need to be in place. Maybe start with eliminating any extra money outside tuition. Since she wants to be treated like an adult, then she has to act like an adult and adults support themselves financially.

college is expensive. Remind her how much is costs a month and what you are sacrificing to sent her to school. My parents, back in the dark ages, paid for my education, but made me pay the registrar every month so I knew how expensive it was. Writing that check every month ensured that I went to class and got the most out of my education. It wasn't some nebulous sum of money.

Remember, a child's brain is not fully developed until 24 years old and that's the important part of the brain, cognitive reasoning! Be firm, loving, but you are not a doormat!!


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## Toni Toni (Mar 26, 2012)

Thank you all so much


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