# My hubby doesn't feel desired



## Mamadecinco

Short background: High school sweethearts, married 16 years with 5 kids ages 5-12. He was my only real boyfriend and the only person I've been with sexually.

At first I thought he was wanting more sex, but I finally figured out it's not about the physical act so much as he wants me to "WANT" him. I do not make him feel loved or desired. But he has a hard time communicating what exactly I can do to improve in this area. I do have a very low sex drive and his is high and we have sex 1-2 times per week. I thought just giving him sex on a regular basis was enough to keep the relationship maintained. But I was wrong. 

He can sense that I do not desire him the same way he desires me physically. I am somewhat indifferent in how I feel about him physically. I know before we were married I was very much physically attracted to him. I don't really know what happened and thought maybe it was the normal evolution of marriage. We enjoy each other's company and are very compatible. I do love the way he smells and I still think he's a good looking, great guy. But I just don't ever think about sex and I would rather do anything else but that. Once he talks me into it and we do have sex it's pretty good. He is very attentive to my needs. I have talked to him about not worrying so much about me and being a little more aggressive in the bedroom.

I cannot fake this desire that he wants to feel from me. But I don't want to lose him. We have talked a lot about this and neither of us are sure what to do. He will be fine for awhile and then suddenly gets moody and depressed. And its almost always because he's not feeling "loved" by me. That leaves me feeling like a failure and him feeling, well, unloved. I expressed that it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, that all the other things I do to express my love just aren't enough. I tell him maybe we should divorce so he can find someone to be with that makes him feel the way he wants to feel. That it's not fair to stay married to me if I am not capable of meeting his needs. I know when I say that it makes him feel selfish but I honestly do not feel he is being selfish at all. I feel like there is something wrong with me.

I don't know if it's hormonal or psychological or what. I know that my brain does have a hard time turning everything "off" to get in the mood. It's almost like my brain fights any kind of sexual thought and pushes it away.

Is it normal after being with the same person for over 20 years to not have sexual desire for them? Or is what I'm experiencing part of a bigger issue? I'm so confused. Neither of us wants to separate but we both question how much longer we can keep up this cycle.


----------



## Jung_admirer

Mamadecinco said:


> Short background: High school sweethearts, married 16 years with 5 kids ages 5-12. He was my only real boyfriend and the only person I've been with sexually.
> 
> At first I thought he was wanting more sex, but I finally figured out it's not about the physical act so much as he wants me to "WANT" him. I do not make him feel loved or desired. But he has a hard time communicating what exactly I can do to improve in this area. I do have a very low sex drive and his is high and we have sex 1-2 times per week. I thought just giving him sex on a regular basis was enough to keep the relationship maintained. But I was wrong.
> 
> He can sense that I do not desire him the same way he desires me physically. I am somewhat indifferent in how I feel about him physically. I know before we were married I was very much physically attracted to him. I don't really know what happened and thought maybe it was the normal evolution of marriage. We enjoy each other's company and are very compatible. I do love the way he smells and I still think he's a good looking, great guy. But I just don't ever think about sex and I would rather do anything else but that. Once he talks me into it and we do have sex it's pretty good. He is very attentive to my needs. I have talked to him about not worrying so much about me and being a little more aggressive in the bedroom.
> 
> I cannot fake this desire that he wants to feel from me. But I don't want to lose him. We have talked a lot about this and neither of us are sure what to do. He will be fine for awhile and then suddenly gets moody and depressed. And its almost always because he's not feeling "loved" by me. That leaves me feeling like a failure and him feeling, well, unloved. I expressed that it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, that all the other things I do to express my love just aren't enough. I tell him maybe we should divorce so he can find someone to be with that makes him feel the way he wants to feel. That it's not fair to stay married to me if I am not capable of meeting his needs. I know when I say that it makes him feel selfish but I honestly do not feel he is being selfish at all. I feel like there is something wrong with me.
> 
> I don't know if it's hormonal or psychological or what. I know that my brain does have a hard time turning everything "off" to get in the mood. It's almost like my brain fights any kind of sexual thought and pushes it away.
> 
> Is it normal after being with the same person for over 20 years to not have sexual desire for them? Or is what I'm experiencing part of a bigger issue? I'm so confused. Neither of us wants to separate but we both question how much longer we can keep up this cycle.


I would suggest that your DH is looking for greater intimacy in your relationship. Sex is a big part of intimacy for men, but there is certainly more to it. Intimacy is increased when we are vulnerable to our partner. Most people will not allow themselves to be vulnerable with someone they do not trust (codependents are an exception). You might begin by looking at the 5LL and HNHN ... there will probably be an aha moment for your DH.


----------



## bandit.45

You and your hubby need a sex coach. 

Not a marriage counselor, a sex coach. Yes they do exist. It sounds like you two have a pretty stable marriage and love each other, so that's not the problem. It sounds to me like he's not pushing your particular buttons. 

Problem is, you have no clue what your buttons are, and thus you are unable to communicate your needs. You have to know what your needs are first before you can express them. A sex coach can help the two of you identify your needs and come together sexually. 

Most marriage counselors are ill equipped in the area of sex. They are useless in fact. 

Buy "His Needs, Her Needs" on Amazon, and both of you read it together. "The Five Love Languages" is a hell of a good book too. Read that one together also. 

I have hope for you. You seem to love your husband deeply, and he you. If the two of you have the courage to do something like going to a sex coach, your marriage may take off into a whole new universe.


----------



## Wolf1974

Mamadecinco said:


> Short background: High school sweethearts, married 16 years with 5 kids ages 5-12. He was my only real boyfriend and the only person I've been with sexually.
> 
> At first I thought he was wanting more sex, but I finally figured out it's not about the physical act so much as he wants me to "WANT" him. I do not make him feel loved or desired. But he has a hard time communicating what exactly I can do to improve in this area. I do have a very low sex drive and his is high and we have sex 1-2 times per week. I thought just giving him sex on a regular basis was enough to keep the relationship maintained. But I was wrong.
> 
> He can sense that I do not desire him the same way he desires me physically. I am somewhat indifferent in how I feel about him physically. I know before we were married I was very much physically attracted to him. I don't really know what happened and thought maybe it was the normal evolution of marriage. We enjoy each other's company and are very compatible. I do love the way he smells and I still think he's a good looking, great guy. But I just don't ever think about sex and I would rather do anything else but that. Once he talks me into it and we do have sex it's pretty good. He is very attentive to my needs. I have talked to him about not worrying so much about me and being a little more aggressive in the bedroom.
> 
> *I cannot fake this desire that he wants to feel from me*. But I don't want to lose him. We have talked a lot about this and neither of us are sure what to do. He will be fine for awhile and then suddenly gets moody and depressed. And its almost always because he's not feeling "loved" by me. That leaves me feeling like a failure and him feeling, well, unloved. I expressed that it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, that all the other things I do to express my love just aren't enough. I tell him maybe we should divorce so he can find someone to be with that makes him feel the way he wants to feel. That it's not fair to stay married to me if I am not capable of meeting his needs. I know when I say that it makes him feel selfish but I honestly do not feel he is being selfish at all. I feel like there is something wrong with me.
> 
> I don't know if it's hormonal or psychological or what. I know that my brain does have a hard time turning everything "off" to get in the mood. It's almost like my brain fights any kind of sexual thought and pushes it away.
> 
> Is it normal after being with the same person for over 20 years to not have sexual desire for them? Or is what I'm experiencing part of a bigger issue? I'm so confused. Neither of us wants to separate but we both question how much longer we can keep up this cycle.



I admit I don't participate in this forum because I have never had a long term marriage but I saw your post and had some thoughts. Many stereotypes exist in society that hurt sexuality. One is women don't enjoy sex. Another is men are good so long as they are just getting some. It's not true. Your husband is telling you it's an issue and it's probably been an issue for way longer than you know about.

Would you consider role playing? Or writing down 3 of your sexual fantasies and he doing the same and pulling it out of a hat and trying new things. I think once you are trying new stuff your thoughts would return to thinking about sex more. But it sounds like now it's a checklist box that just needs to get done.

Role playing doesn't always have to be crazy stuff either. You could drive separate to a bar an have him hit on you like you never met or whatever.


----------



## I Don't Know

Mamadecinco said:


> I cannot fake this desire that he wants to feel from me. But I don't want to lose him. We have talked a lot about this and neither of us are sure what to do. He will be fine for awhile and then suddenly gets moody and depressed. And its almost always because he's not feeling "loved" by me. That leaves me feeling like a failure and him feeling, well, unloved. I expressed that it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, *that all the other things I do to express my love just aren't enough. * I tell him maybe we should divorce so he can find someone to be with that makes him feel the way he wants to feel. That it's not fair to stay married to me if I am not capable of meeting his needs. I know when I say that it makes him feel selfish but I honestly do not feel he is being selfish at all. I feel like there is something wrong with me.


In a nut shell, they aren't. I'm sure he appreciates them, and IF he was feeling your love the way he needs to feel it they would feel like love to him. But since the main thing he needs is missing he probably feels more like you are trying to make up for the lack of desire by doing other things. 

For example, my wife is going out of her way to send some of my favorite food with me on an upcoming camping trip. I know and feel she loves me because she is. But she also shows a lot of sexual desire for me. She always stops to take a good hard look anytime I'm naked...stuff like that. Having that major need met allows me to see the love in the other things she does.

If you were literally starving to death and your husband had the only food you could eat but instead he gave you a back massage, would you feel the love in that? What if he cooked you an amazing dinner and then gave you the back massage?


----------



## ReidWright

Mamadecinco said:


> He can sense that I do not desire him the same way he desires me physically. I am somewhat indifferent in how I feel about him physically.


Do you ever feel desire for any other man (or woman, I guess)? now be honest here, you're anonymous. 

Does any Hollywood hunk, famous rock star, or your favorite athlete spark anything in you? Any guys on the street make you look twice, or maybe that friendly coworker you talk to?


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening mamadecino
feeling desired is very important to a lot of people. For some (myself included) being desired is actually more important than sex itself. 

Do you know why you no longer desire him? Has he changed? Is it just boredom? Have you both gotten into a rut in your lives were you don't put enough effort into each other?

If you just don't have much desire, but are not repulsed, it might be worth making a specific effort. Sometimes your love life just needs a spark to get it going again. It will be an "artificial" effort at first, but his response may reawaken your desire. I think it is worth trying:

Actively seek him out for sex. Wear lingerie. Be creative and enthusiastic in bed - do the things he likes AND specifically ask for the ones you do. Keep the intimacy going during the day - give him a quick passionate kiss when he isn't expecting it. Touch him as you walk by. 

This will seem a little like "pretending" at first, but there is a reasonable chance that after a week or two he will be responding in kind. The constant affection and intimacy may make each of you desire the other more.

I think it can't hurt. It isn't that much effort, and it might make things a lot better.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

The number of ways people will interpret something negatively is infinite.

On the one hand, I know exactly how your hubby feels. Just "gettin' some" doesn't rock our world. We prefer to 'get it' with, not from, an enthusiastic partner.

On the other, he should see that your willingness to 'give it up', when you don't particularly feel like it is, in itself, an act of devotion. You're prioritising his needs over your own. You're entitled to refuse him if you don't feel like it. You don't. BOTH of you should interpret that as a positive. It's indicative of committment, not abandonment.


Your drive is a seperate issue. Sadly, nobody can force guys to take a pill that causes them to lose drive and suffer ED for a week - and no guy is gonna swallow one voluntarily. If they did they'd gain some valuable insight(s). 


Similarly, most guys don't sit down and read guides about female hormones. They're typically satisfied to identify "no go area" week, "hell yeah!" week, and the other two weeks. 


Again, if they did that (instead of watching football) they'd learn all manner of fascinating facts about the strange creature that incubates their offspring. 


Pertinently, among those facts is that pregnancy messes with your hormones and they never get back to the way they were. You may or may not suffer loss of drive, but you won't be the same.



Nature gifted us with a visual clue to what's gone on internally but grooming products have usurped it. Mommy hair typically loses its shine.



You didn't say if you were always LD but pregnancy can and frequently does affect it and other aspects of your personality. Surviving one pregnancy with no apparent change is no guarantee that subsequent ones won't have a significant effect.


Of course, your post only gives us a fraction of your relationship. Who knows what other things you've (not) said and done to make him feel the way he does? If it's just your LD, as I said at the beginning, he needs to see your willingness to participate as a positive, not a negative.



Then he needs to understand not only that you are hormonal, but a different hormonal than you were when he met you. Your drive/desire is determined largely by your 'hormonal cöcktail' - you don't get to choose your drive 'rating'.


Psychological factors can affect drive too, as both of you will discover if you let this thing get out of hand but, from what you've given us the only problems seem to be your drive and hubby's inability to understand that nature (and his/your near netball team of rugrats) have messed with your moleculars.


I realise that "It's not me. It's my hormones." sounds a lot like the "It's not you, it's me." date dump,, but the former has the advantage of being true and zillions of books, articles and studies to back it up. Your drive and YOU are seperate entities. Explain to hubby that it bothers you as much as it bothers him. It's not something you chose.


Maybe HRT would help you. Your 'sisters' would be better equipped to advise you about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening Mamadecenio
Please read Albertamom3's thread "tired of feeling inadequate" in the "sex and marriage" section. Its long but I think you will find it very interesting.

If you don't read the entire thing please read post #149
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/226802-tired-felling-inadequate-10.html#post10866674

Everyone's situation is different, and different things work for different people, but to a casual observer it sounded like she was in a situation similar to yours.


----------



## Hicks

Mamadecinco said:


> Short background: High school sweethearts, married 16 years with 5 kids ages 5-12. He was my only real boyfriend and the only person I've been with sexually.
> 
> At first I thought he was wanting more sex, but I finally figured out it's not about the physical act so much as he wants me to "WANT" him. I do not make him feel loved or desired. But he has a hard time communicating what exactly I can do to improve in this area.* I read your whole post, I think he communicated it pretty clearly.* I do have a very low sex drive and his is high and we have sex 1-2 times per week. I thought just giving him sex on a regular basis was enough to keep the relationship maintained. But I was wrong. * Good that you recongize that you were wrong.*
> 
> He can sense that I do not desire him the same way he desires me physically. I am somewhat indifferent in how I feel about him physically. I know before we were married I was very much physically attracted to him. I don't really know what happened and thought maybe it was the normal evolution of marriage. *It is the normal evolution of an untended sexual connection which is common in marriage. You were attracted to him becuuse the entirety of the life you two had at the time revolved around yourselves and your mutual fun. The context of married life does not revolve around the couple but instead the family. Therefore you two have to put genuine effort into creating context that is about the two of you as a couple as it was prior to kids. * We enjoy each other's company and are very compatible. I do love the way he smells and I still think he's a good looking, great guy. *Very Good, there is hope.* But I just don't ever think about sex and I would rather do anything else but that. *These thoughts are bad for your marriage, bad for your kids and holding you back from attaining happiness in life. The "everything else" you are thinking about is probably secondary to a functioniong marriage. For example, you are probably worrying about the needs of the kids such as school lunches and baseball games. But the kids #1 need is Mom and Dad to have a happy marriage. So you are spending time and energy to benefit people but you are actually not spending it in the most important way that benefits yourself and everyone you hold dear. * Once he talks me into it and we do have sex it's pretty good. He is very attentive to my needs. I have talked to him about not worrying so much about me and being a little more aggressive in the bedroom. *Good !*
> 
> I cannot fake this desire that he wants to feel from me. But I don't want to lose him. We have talked a lot about this and neither of us are sure what to do. He will be fine for awhile and then suddenly gets moody and depressed. And its almost always because he's not feeling "loved" by me. That leaves me feeling like a failure and him feeling, well, unloved. *Whoa.... you feel unloved? You turned this around from accepting your responsiblity to blaming him. Stick with accepting your responsibility, this is better for your marriage. *I expressed that it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, that all the other things I do to express my love just aren't enough. *Read a book called the 5 Love Languages. If your husband speaks only French, and you speak to him in English, would you be surprised if he felt you were not a good communicator ?* I tell him maybe we should divorce so he can find someone to be with that makes him feel the way he wants to feel. That it's not fair to stay married to me if I am not capable of meeting his needs. I know when I say that it makes him feel selfish but I honestly do not feel he is being selfish at all. I feel like there is something wrong with me. *People say mean things when they are backed into a corner and they don't see a way out. But unless you want to get divorced you should stop saying this. *
> 
> I don't know if it's hormonal or psychological or what. I know that my brain does have a hard time turning everything "off" to get in the mood. It's almost like my brain fights any kind of sexual thought and pushes it away. *I'm going to tell you something. You can control your thoughts. Letting the details of life get in the way of your marriage is not a great idea. *
> 
> Is it normal after being with the same person for over 20 years to not have sexual desire for them? *Probably.. who knows. Not a good thing to contemplate in your marriage * Or is what I'm experiencing part of a bigger issue? *He certainly can do things to get you more sexually interested but he's not posting here... But tell him to read Married Man's Sex Life Primer *I'm so confused. Neither of us wants to separate but we both question how much longer we can keep up this cycle.
> 
> * Don't look at it as all or nothing. I think your husband will be VERY appreciative of little things you can easily do withhout having to appear as a sex crazed ****. How about after sex the next time you tell him "That was nice". Small things like not making him feel like crap for wanting sex... Once in a while don't make him ask for it when he is clearly sending you signals... Manage your thoughts away from marriage harming rejecting of sex into marriage enhancing thoughts... A wife or a husband who tries to make their spouse's life better is really the motivation most people have to be a good spouse... In other words I have no primal desire to put my socks away but I do have a great desire to make my wife feel good that she is married to me... Eventually you have to begin to focus on that. Also, you have to transmit "love" on the frequency he receives it.. Just as he does for you. *


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

IMHO, what you are experiencing is normal. Five kids ranging from 5 - 12 years in age? I'm not surprised that you don't feel sexy. You feel like a mom. This is your starting point right now - overwhelmed with kids and motherly duties. Want to here a shocker? I 100% doubt that you are a true blue LD person. My guess is that you have a normal drive, but you have prioritized other things (kids and who knows what else) above being a wife and lover to your husband. Now, what we don't know is whether your husband comes across as your 6th kid or if he is very much in the thick of things with you and that the both of you are working like a well oiled machine to raise the kids. Even if it's the latter, that's not good enough.

I think of a strong family as one where spousal love is the foundation upon which everything else is built. Being a great mom but not the best wife is like having a beautiful home built on a foundation stone that is crumbling. If the foundation goes, the entire house goes. However, if you strengthen your foundation then the house can be built up stronger than ever. 

Your oldest is 12 - maybe soon to be 13. If the oldest has not been tasked to babysit the rest of the kids so that you and your husband can go out on a date, then that needs to start happening soon. You two need alone time to reconnect. I'm not talking just sex, but true blue date nights and other times where the two of you can sit and just talk about things. No, not about the kids, but talk about the two of you. Reminisce on how life used to be, talk about current events, talk about future plans/vacations for when the kids are older, and talk about how life will look when the two of you are alone again when the kids are gone. 

Just a guess, but you lost your attraction to your husband because you no longer think of him as your husband, but as the guy either helping you to raise your kids or as the guy that is getting in the way of you taking care of your kids. That needs to change.

FYI, I think the "maybe we should get a divorce" suggestion you made to him was a passive/aggressive d!ck move. There is no quicker way to shut down serious discussions to an issue than to play the divorce card. In his eyes, he thinks you don't take his views on intimacy seriously.


----------



## Buddy400

Mamadecinco said:


> But I just don't ever think about sex and I would rather do anything else but that. Once he talks me into it and we do have sex it's pretty good


Does "rather do anything but that" mean that you'd rather clean the kitchen? Then you say that the sex is pretty good when you have it. Those two statements seem contradictory.

And "Once he talks you into it"? Why does he have to talk you into it?

If you enjoy sex when it happens, then prioritize it and do it more often. The more my wife and I do it, the more excited we are about it. It's like going to the gym. The more you do it, the more you like it and the better you feel. But, you're never going to get started if you just sit on the couch and tell yourself that you just don't feel like going. Try faking it until you make it.


It's fairly normal for someone in your situation to have this problem. And, as long as you don't hate sex with your husband, it's very solvable.

I second the thread that richardsharpe suggested.


----------



## DTO

I would like to clarify something. What do you mean when you say that you cannot fake the desire he wants to feel from you? Taken at face value, this statement can be interpreted to mean that he expects you to be genuinely lustful / "horny" and is unhappy when you are not.

But, reading the rest of your post, I don't think that is the case. I think your husband just wants you to be engaged and in the moment. Instead, it sounds like he get the dreaded "pity sex" / "duty sex" from you. By your own admission, you would rather do anything than have sex. Guys are really good at picking up on this and he is starting to resent your apathy.

So, I am not trying to be mean, but being blunt is best. The problem is not your lack of innate drive but your attitude. It is likely your husband would be glad if you came to him in a manner that respects your marriage.

So, I agree with the people who say "fake it until you make it". But, even then, I don't like the word "fake" being used in this context. A better way to say it is that you have (by your own admission) a great guy - one is who wants to be with you. Your sexual encounters with him need to communicate "you are a great guy and I am happy to honor your commitment to me", not "I would rather be cleaning the toilets".

If this is just a mindset / attitude issue, you need to work on it - with a therapist or counselor if necessary. If you are too tired to put that much effort into sex, you are way overextended and need to restore some balance. Cut back on extra-curriculars for the kids, social gatherings, etc. Make restoring the connection with your husband your #1 priority and do not add more burden to your lives before that is straightened out.


----------



## richardsharpe

Good afternoon Lila
Could you elaborate, or have you posted somewhere else? I've seen one thread by a woman who believes that things greatly improved when she made the effort. It sounds like this didn't work for you. I'd be very interested in understanding what was different to try to help figure out the best approach for myself and others.




Lila said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> Mamadecinco:
> 
> I have been where you are, and I too thought that more sex would solve the issue. Guess what? It actually made it worse (long story) because we were both trying to force a correction without understanding the deeper issues. We were using the wrong approach.
> snip
> .


----------



## Buddy400

Lila said:


> If your husband is anything like mine, those feelings he's having have very little to do with sex. Having more or varied sex is not going to solve the problem. Meeting his need for intimacy will.


I second richardsharpe, a husband's needs for intimacy having very little to do with sex is a hard concept for me to get my mind around. Not that I don't believe it. I'd like to know more as well.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Mamadecinco said:


> Short background: High school sweethearts, married 16 years with 5 kids ages 5-12. *He was my only real boyfriend and the only person I've been with sexually*.


 Is this something you regret or treasure?

I can relate to the high school sweethearts & lots of kids..(we have 6)... I fell into the "Mommy trap" putting the kids before the man who helped me get them...though I never lost desire.. he just wanted it more than I was thinking about it...very typical.. 

Do you feel stressed, torn every which way...too many demands on you as a Mother of 5..and hungry Husband ? ...as I've heard many a wives say here on TAM, something to this effect....." it's just one more thing I need to make time for at the end of the night" ...and for him.. it is probably what he longs for MOST OF ALL, what brings him home every night... 

Does HE help you with the kids ..* do you feel any resentment towards your husband ?* could be over anything at all.. (promises not kept, finances, helping around the house, feeling he isn't hearing you, or listening.. etc etc) 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...l-etc-how-robs-us-intimacy-we-crave-most.html



> *At first I thought he was wanting more sex, but I finally figured out it's not about the physical act so much as he wants me to "WANT" him. I do not make him feel loved or desired. But he has a hard time communicating what exactly I can do to improve in this area. I do have a very low sex drive and his is high and we have sex 1-2 times per week. I thought just giving him sex on a regular basis was enough to keep the relationship maintained. But I was wrong.*


 Our husbands wouldn't be content with this unless he is just into the physical alone (which wouldn't be good -on our ends either!).... too often we end up feeling "empty" & alone in our own homes when intimacy on the emotional level has slid away.. it's unfulfilling to us...

Here is a quote that strikes to the







of it...so I feel.....



> Fulfilling our husbands sexually encompasses so much more than the physical act..it is embracing ALL that he is...It speaks our wanting to fully understand him and welcoming the sexual appetite that expresses his masculinity...It involves striving with him through weakness & temptation & covering his fears & failures. No magazine, no co-worker, no porn site can be this teammate and confidante for our husbands...This is our place, this is our power...this is our gift.. Unwrap it.


This article speaks of the deep emotional impact we have on our husbands...a man longs to be passionately wanted by his wife... "A man’s ability to perform sexually, to arouse & please his wife, is central to his confidence as a man. The impact ripples into practically every other area of his life"....

 Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband



> He can sense that I do not desire him the same way he desires me physically. *I am somewhat indifferent in how I feel about him physically. I know before we were married I was very much physically attracted to him. I don't really know what happened and thought maybe it was the normal evolution of marriage. * We enjoy each other's company and are very compatible. I do love the way he smells and I still think he's a good looking, great guy. But I just don't ever think about sex *and I would rather do anything else but that. * Once he talks me into it and we do have sex it's pretty good. He is very attentive to my needs. I have talked to him about not worrying so much about me and being a little more aggressive in the bedroom.


 YOu said here you would RATHER DO ANYTHING ELSE.. I am sure this crushes his spirit.. but I get that, you can't seem to help how you feel.. another poster asked if you feel these urges when you watch a favorite actor, or towards any other man...a rock star, a friendly co-worker, the question is.. do you still have sexual desires but just not for your husband?



> *I cannot fake this desire that he wants to feel from me. But I don't want to lose him. We have talked a lot about this and neither of us are sure what to do. He will be fine for awhile and then suddenly gets moody and depressed. And its almost always because he's not feeling "loved" by me. That leaves me feeling like a failure and him feeling, well, unloved. I expressed that it makes me feel like I'm not enough for him, that all the other things I do to express my love just aren't enough. I tell him maybe we should divorce so he can find someone to be with that makes him feel the way he wants to feel. That it's not fair to stay married to me if I am not capable of meeting his needs. I know when I say that it makes him feel selfish but I honestly do not feel he is being selfish at all. I feel like there is something wrong with me*.


 It is good you don't look upon him as selfish. I would not say he is selfish.. it's a very deep seated desire to want our lovers to want us, to crave us, to need us.. I am geared this way myself.. even being a woman, if I felt it was a chore for my husband to be with me, like he'd rather be doing anything else..it would destroy something deep inside me & I'd have to find another outlet to cope.. for some of us.. it's just THAT important.. you seem to get this..



> *I don't know if it's hormonal or psychological or what. I know that my brain does have a hard time turning everything "off" to get in the mood. It's almost like my brain fights any kind of sexual thought and pushes it away.*


 It sounds like you have too much on your plate again...you can't just relax, your mind focusing on what all needs done... Can you & he just get away.. get a friend, Grandma to watch the kids.. at the very least start doing date night.. plan a romantic vacation...do you ever THINK BACK to your younger years.. why you fell in love, how you felt once upon a time.. has he changed all that much ?? Reminiscence....capture in each other what brought you together.. If *$$* is tight...




> *Is it normal after being with the same person for over 20 years to not have sexual desire for them? Or is what I'm experiencing part of a bigger issue? I'm so confused. Neither of us wants to separate but we both question how much longer we can keep up this cycle.*


 Many seem to hit something like this.. but there is always some underlying things going on...

Too busy/ stressed...fighting about $$/ the kids...resentment..allowing APATHY to seep in....loss of physical attraction...love languages being opposite from each other / misunderstanding...just missing each other, being too passive..where some conflict might help reach to the roots of these problems & they can be worked out..

Once a couple digs deep to resolve their issues.. both caring to find the intimacy again.. so long as this is not a hormonal issue , actually they say SEX starts in between the ears....

I think this article will resonate with you.. how you are feeling.. but trying to get across what I am trying to say...
Secret to good sex is in your mind - body+soul


----------



## Fozzy

Mamadecinco, I hope you'll stick around. You're getting some really good advice here.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

It all boils down to communication, and what we respond too. Forms of communication varies from person to person, and the 5 love language book that lila posted. 

For men, if they want more sexy times, they have to understand the female better. Women have more of a mental state when having sex. They need to feel relax, not stressed, and secure. Also you should know her love language as well. 

A common theme I see why women are losing their attraction for their husband is because, she feels more like a mother to them. Husbands need to take more initiation in their lives. Don't wait for the wife to say something. How can a women be attracted to a man she is acting like a mother too. 

Help her around the house, help with kids, because nowadays she is working and taking most of the domestic issues as well. If you can afford it, allocate some of the house work to your children. I was cleaning toilets at 12.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

intheory said:


> Sorry, Plan9, I'm sure you mean well by this, but no.
> 
> A 12-year-old cannot possibly manage* 4* younger siblings.
> 
> They should still pay for a sitter; or ask a willing relative.
> 
> Also, (from bitter experience), it is _not_ the eldest sibling's responsiblity to be a substitute parent. They get to have their childhood too.
> 
> 14 (high school freshman) might be old enough to be responsible for 4 younger siblings.
> 
> But make sure the 14-year-old is paid the going rate for their labor.


Aldo, the 12 year old can help around the house and help reduce stress. It will start forming habits of being clean.


----------



## MattMatt

Counselling might help.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

intheory said:


> Sorry, Plan9, I'm sure you mean well by this, but no.
> 
> A 12-year-old cannot possibly manage* 4* younger siblings.
> 
> They should still pay for a sitter; or ask a willing relative.
> 
> Also, (from bitter experience), it is _not_ the eldest sibling's responsiblity to be a substitute parent. They get to have their childhood too.
> 
> 14 (high school freshman) might be old enough to be responsible for 4 younger siblings.
> 
> But make sure the 14-year-old is paid the going rate for their labor.


For a 2 hour date night? On top of that, it's not like it's a 12 year old with a bunch of babies and toddlers either. Here's how you skin the cat: get some options prepared up front and then have the kids engage in those activities. Put Netflix on for one some, have another play a game on the computer, etc. etc. With a little prep work plus putting the fear of God into them if they do NOT get a long, and you have it practically whipped. This is a far cry from asking the oldest to raise the younger children while the single mom is drunk off her ass or high on crack...

What my wife and I did to transition our kids into this was to to run small errands with just the two of us. Maybe 30 min max to start. Then go away during the day for an hour and then come back, then 90 min, etc. Then, we started going out on one night during the weekend. We'd pick a restaurant close to home, spend 2 hours max together and go straight home. It's called baby steps and conditioning the children to getting used to mom and dad going out on dates.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

intheory said:


> I have to respectfully disagree.
> 
> I am glad if it has worked out well for your family.
> 
> All it takes is for the six-year-old to pull a saucepan of boiling soup over on himself, while the 12-year-old is answering the phone; or otherwise has his/her back turned momentarily.
> 
> Or the 8-year-old trips on the area rug and splits his lip open. 12-year-old tries to stop the bleeding, call for help, while the dog is barking and the other two kids are wailing in the background.
> 
> Not fair to the kids in general; but really not fair to the psyche of a 12-year-old.
> 
> If you have a huge family of kids; then it is your responsibility to raise them. Not delegate that responsibility to your eldest. By having children, even 1 or 2, you forfeit "date night" for a while; unless you can get a reliable sitter.
> 
> If you have 4 (or more!!) children; you have written off date night for a considerable amount of time.
> 
> Unless you are willing to spend the money to get a sitter. Or, a willing relative lovingly offers to help out.
> 
> And when your eldest are old enough; they should be paid if they are expected to hold the fort down and be adult and responsible while mom and dad are out having fun. Their time and labor should be valued; not taken for granted.


I tend to look at this differently.. we are a large family..and we've had our 12 yr old (13 now) be here with his sister 2 yrs younger & her brother 4 yrs younger than her.

.. One thing I need to say about our family is.. we are all VERY SAFETY conscious.. I am a worrier by nature , very cautious to what could go wrong & will talk at length to the procedures to get help... our kids seem to be geared the same way.. We've never had any bad accidents in all our years (YET)....

Our daughter is very helpful, she doesn't mind keeping her eye on her little brother, she is like a little Mother & even reminds ME of things..God love 'er..... none of our children would find this a bother ...or feel that we are "stealing their childhood" in any way..

But I can see your point, INtheory ...of course SOME parents have *used their kids *to the point of festering resentment..(I take it you are speaking out of your personal experiences here?).... but also I can see where *Plan 9 from OS *is coming from .... as this could describe how we are....

*I say the answer lies MORE on the dynamics of the particular family*.. let me give you a larger picture of who we are/ how we run....We wouldn't want the dog in the house if we left them alone for one.. we have strict rules -in regards to safety long before we'd trust leaving them for a few hours... they have to show responsibility in this before we'd even consider it...

Also we have a neighbor with 2 big sisters right up the driveway... if something happened...

On the other side of this.. our kids are a little spoiled...I aim to give them a wonderful childhood experience... If I am home (almost always) -our house is Grand central station...I let them have their friends spend countless nights over here, sometimes an extra 5 kids will be here on weekends.. teen boys, daughters best friend, she's a piece of the furniture......I throw them large bonfires-within hours if they want to have a party... cook up a storm...we even went to the trouble to make them an outdoor theater , a large screen, bought a $800 projector just so they can watch movies outside with their friends....I take them to every party they are invited -I don't want them to miss a thing.. although we don't pay them for babysitting , this evens out in so many other ways... 

I even take their friends on family over night trips to water parks & pay for them, if we can fit another kid in the suburban/ we fill the seat, or the hotel room....(I am a fun MOM).... so it all evens out.. they help us ... we give them a good life..

And Mom & Dad get to run out once in a while for a special night...


----------



## SimplyAmorous

intheory said:


> SA,
> 
> Your family is probably one-in-a-million. Or hopefully, one-in-ten-thousand
> 
> And you're right; I probably am projecting, in my comments to Plan 9.
> 
> Plan 9 if you are still following this thread, and you have a family similar to SA; then you are probably just fine letting your kid do (limited) babysitting.
> 
> OP, sorry for the threadjack. Hopefully, this debate about when it's appropriate to let your kids babysit has helped you in some way.


Thank you for that understanding Intheory.. oh there are such families...I know some of them !... it's just another perspective ...I could say a little more, had an exchange with our teen sons about this, if I said what one of them said back to me...you'd think we're a little crazy.. but just to say.. they don't mind at all.. 

It's true, certain subjects can cause a RISE in us... I, too, can read something here... run with it ....due to something I have watched another experience (or myself) ...

Almost anything that can be a blessing... can be abused by another.. add authority figures like us parents...we need to be careful.... 

Thank you for your kind words.


----------



## Thound

I doubt you will read this. I see you made the initial post and gone, but, I know exactly how your husband feels, and let me tell you. It kills our soul. We feel like all we are is a source of money and maintenance. We feel taken for granted, we feel undesireable, we sit at your feet just hoping to get some scraps. Damn I cant wait til death do us part. Me not her.


----------



## richardsharpe

"paradise by the dashboard lights"

Thound - if you are that unhappy, and I believe you are, maybe divorce really is the better option. She can't be enjoying her life with you either. 




Thound said:


> I doubt you will read this. I see you made the initial post and gone, but, I know exactly how your husband feels, and let me tell you. It kills our soul. We feel like all we are is a source of money and maintenance. We feel taken for granted, we feel undesireable, we sit at your feet just hoping to get some scraps. Damn I cant wait til death do us part. Me not her.


----------



## Thound

richardsharpe said:


> "paradise by the dashboard lights"
> 
> Thound - if you are that unhappy, and I believe you are, maybe divorce really is the better option. She can't be enjoying her life with you either.


LOL. I youtubed this right before posting. I cannot divorce unless she cheats. That is my own personal belief.


----------



## richardsharpe

Good evening Thound
You are of course welcome to your believes and morals. 

I would suggest though that you consider - if you are this unhappy, then SHE is probably also unhappy. That is in fact the subtext of the song - in the final verse they are BOTH singing the same thing. "Now I'm waiting for the end of time.."

During the dark years of my marriage, that song would send a chill up my spine. 




Thound said:


> LOL. I youtubed this right before posting. I cannot divorce unless she cheats. That is my own personal belief.


----------

