# Broken and confused



## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

First post...but not sure who to turn to. I am a 39 yr old man who is married and has been for 14 years to only woman i have ever truely cared about. High school sweethearts would kinda sum it up. We have two beutiful daughters whom we both love and admire. 

I began to feel somewhat of a disconnect between my wife and I approximately 4 years ago. I tried several ways to improve our relationship but she was rather 'standoffish' and somewhat cold. Intimacy was almost null and void for months (10 be exact) at a time. I stayed for the children and I truly thought that it could possilbly get better someday. I began to feel angry and showed it a times raising my voice and such. I feel that I changed as a person because no joy was in my life. I thought so many times to hire a P.I. and have her followed. Only thing is, I kept telling myself that if I did that, our marriage was already lost regardless of the outcome. Little things became magnified in my outlook. I began to make "big deals" out of little things. It is important to note that when out at dinner one night about 3 years ago, we ran into a customer of hers' upon leaving a restaurant. She works with the public in a retail / service job. During the drive home, I felt the need to question their friendship and question if it was more to it than friends. I had a gut feeling I guess. Based on just the circumstances of our own failing marriage, I was 'making a big deal' out of nothing. But I did have a gut feeling. 

I knew something was wrong, but when I would approach her to talk about it, she never was willing. She would become very defensive and insist it was "my" problem. 

In March of this year, I found out that she had actually gone to lunch with the guy (along with one of her co-worker female friends) that we had an argument of 3 years prior. I then found out that she cell phone calls from and to him as far back as our cell company archives the bills. (July of 2008)Usually about 1-3 times a week, including text messaging. ONe of the calls was approx 10 mins prior to 6 a.m. as she was going in to work. Come to find out, this guy is separated from his wife for approx. 2 years. I confronted him and threatened to whip his ass! He insists that is not the type person he is and that they were just friends. She says they were just friends as well and he was just nice to talk to, stating that nothing happened. She says that she knows it was wrong and is very remorseful. She does not remember calling prior to 6 a.m., which was about a year ago. I find that hard to believe. Of course, she always deleted all calls and texts from him from her phone. 

Now the big question.

What to do now? Since me finding out, she has been great in every way. I feel like it is so much better now. She has changed for the better. She seems to enjoy sex where before she seemed not to. Only thing is, I keep thinking about it. I can not get it out of my mind. A few days will pass and be good. Then I will be down in the dumps and depressed. Is she lieing? Was she unfaithful? What should I have done differently? Why is it so good now? Why could it not have been like this for the last 4 years? Everything is complicated. I want to move on, but my mind won't let me sometimes. I love her, I really do. But how do you build on a lie, if in fact that is what it is. Sorry for the book, but anyone who has gone through this on either side, please help. :scratchhead:


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I have to say that there isn't really anything damning. A few calls per week isn't a big deal when you have a friend/confidente. That she was probably sharing her marital problems with him would explain not sharing it with you. But it doesn't indicate anything physical.

She could have developed a crush that didn't go anywhere. Or, she may have let it go somewhere.

The question is, now that you believe whatever it was, whatever level of contact it was, has stopped and she's behaving better, do you want to go nuts on her or let this blow over?

You could ask her for instance, to have nothing more to do with him (reasonable) just because the level of secrecy she had about him makes you uncomfortable to this day. You can ask her to open up all of her accounts to you NOW (don't give her time to delete anything) and see if she left anything hanging around (look in the sent folder, too.) 

Or, you can see where her new behavior takes you.

Also, romance her now. You've seemingly got her back and you don't want to lose her again. (Or do you?)


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Duckman, I hope I am wrong, but it does sound like she may have been having an affair. Since you have no proof, it's hard to know for sure. I would question the secrecy, as if she had nothing to hide, it makes me wonder why she would be so reluctent to answer your questions. 

Most times when someone cheats, they usually don't confess. And then others will even lie when they get caught red handed. It mostly depends on the level of integrity of the cheater. I say level of integrity since cheating already makes a person a liar, but some do have a conscience.


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Thanks for the insight guys/gals... It's good to finally talk about it...


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Has anybody had this experience and made it through it? If possible, I'd just like someone that has been through it to chime in. Any ideas on how to get through this?


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Unfortunately, I have been through it. Do you believe she is still having an affair? You did say that she was behaving differently, lately. Maybe she feels guilty. Without knowing more, it is really hard to even speculate on this. I eventually got evidence, as you would have to do, if you want to resolve your suspicions. I discovered it due to my spouse's carelessness. If she was cheating and has stopped, that makes it all the more difficult to learn what you need to know.

If you found out that she is/was cheating, would you want a divorce, or would you wish to try to work through it? Neither is easy, but it is something you need to realize. 

There are several ways to catch a cheater, if you really want to make the effort to do it.


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Yeah, I'm having serious anger issues. I am wanting to pound on this guy! Regardless of whether I ultimately stay or go, this guy is going to pay for this. I know it was a two way street, but no matter what, given the right time and place, he's gonna pay...I think about it just about every day.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Duckman, I completely understand your anger, but *do not* do anything to jeopardize your future. If you do something violent or illegal, it will affect your life in many ways, mostly negative ones. I understand how difficult it is for you, but you certainly don't want to go to jail or even worse, prison. It is definately not worth that.

(((HUGS)))

FZ1


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

FZ1,
The funny thing is, I've completely analyzed this. My record is spotless just a couple of speeding tickets, however, I think I'll trade a couple days in jail to pound on this guys knot a couple of times....just to let him know that there are consequences to every action. Got 2 little girls that ultimately may be affected long term. He'll realize that. I always find myself doing a couple of extra reps in the gym...waiting for the day...I think sometimes you gotta fight for what's right...even if your wrong in doing so...Does that make sense?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

It makes sense but it is the wrong thing to do. You don't need something like that on your record. Your kids don't need to know that dad was in jail or even arrested.

Be angry. Work out. Go to the batting cages and rip the cover off a ball. But don't get physical with the guy. (You can scare him, however! That might be fun! ;-) )


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

duckman said:


> FZ1,
> The funny thing is, I've completely analyzed this. My record is spotless just a couple of speeding tickets, however, I think I'll trade a couple days in jail to pound on this guys knot a couple of times....just to let him know that there are consequences to every action. Got 2 little girls that ultimately may be affected long term. He'll realize that. I always find myself doing a couple of extra reps in the gym...waiting for the day...I think sometimes you gotta fight for what's right...even if your wrong in doing so...Does that make sense?


Please think about this before you act. I don't know you, but I do understand your anger and pain. I have had similiar thoughts, at times, but definately don't want to jeopardize my future over some azzhole. I hope that you take the "high road" in this situation. Otherwise, you could screw up your entire life over some jerk wad. I would hate for that to happen. 

(((HUGS)))

FZ1


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

You do not really know if anything happened other than some phone calls. It might be better to give her the benefit of the doubt and believe her. Why obsess about something that might not have happened?

When my wife went out on me I wanted to kick azz too. I texted the guy (could not talk to him) and told him let’s meet, I really wanted to so bad! He tried to act tough but went back and forth and he refused to meet with me. OK, he backed down and a “tap-out” is as good (almost) as a beat down, which is the way I have to look at it for my own sanity. I know all about this testosterone stuff, some girls might not understand. However, let it go as best you can. If you cannot, ask for a little private dance with him and get passed it. If there are no weapons the worst to happen is you get your butt kicked or go to jail for a night. The ladies will think I am crazy to suggest this but where I was at (and you are at) these were very small consequences for satisfying my need! Hope you don’t have to though…

The good news is other than some sad moments by us both, my wife and I are getting along BETTER THAN EVER! Sex is awesome and she seems obsessively in love with me. Tells me so 20 times a day and treats me like a king. I am doing a pretty good job at forgiving her but know there will be some tough feelings here and there. But I am committed to forgiving her and making the relationship work. You can do the same thing, if you talk it out with her. Good luck!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think we get it. Do you think that when a woman has been cheated on she doesn't want to rip the face off the other woman? I have no idea where you guys get that this is a guy thing. It is a human thing. But that doesn't make it the right way to handle the problem.


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## frozensprouts (Aug 1, 2009)

dobo,
you are right. some advice I was given about showing aggression or even saying bad things towards the "other person" was that it would do nothing more tha make them seem like a "victim". This is not going to help anyone.


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