# Not sure where to start



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

I found this forum while searching around online for others who had some similar problems to myself. I'm 37, married for 4 years, together with my wife for 6 years. Ever since getting married our sex life has been diminishing to now the point I feel we are pretty much sexless. We've been almost two months now without sex and last summer I think we had about a 4 month sexless stretch.

I have some ED issues that I've been to the doctor for and they prescribed Viagara. That works ok but still there are times it's not totally effective. It's not just a function of when I'm turned on or just marginally so, sometimes I can be really in the mood and still not be right. I'm not certain but I think that one of my problems may be that during my single days I got too accustomed to masturbation and either pornography or using mental images to stimulate me that were fairly kinky in nature and it's hard for a regular sex life to live up to that so to speak.

To add to those issues, my wife was fairly inexperienced when we met. She had only been with one other guy prior to me so she wasn't very experienced. While I still had some ED issues, things were better with my ex-girlfriend. She was more experienced and honestly was a lot more adventurous in the bedroom and when it came to talking about fantasies. My wife is more shy and reserved and isn't one that can do those things easily. 

Sometimes I feel like we get into a stalemate almost where nobody initiates and it just adds to the problem. we have a 2 year old daughter who takes a lot of time and we now even rarely mention sex. It's gotten to the point where I don't even really consider going to her when I'm in the mood. I realize that masturbation and pornography aren't helping the situation and may indeed be a root cause of a lot of this but yet that is my only real outlet right now.

I'm just kind of at a loss for what to do. I feel like she is ok with things just going on as they are. I've tried talking with her some about it but it just seems as though she's not that concerned and basically wanted to schedule sex times. We did that for awhile but that just became boring and plain. I know I have large role in the lack of sex but I'm not happy with the situation. I always thought of myself as very sexual and tended to have girlfriends in the past who were that way. In fact, my wife is probably the least sexual of all of them and that too is a factor in this. We used to have a better sex life when dating, trying new things, talking about fantasies, etc. but it just went away when we got married. I really think that living together instead of only seeing each other every few days kind of made things more plain and less exciting.

Deep down I think we both would rather have a marriage with a good sex life but I think we may differ on what that entails.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Rick ~

Since you mentioned that your porn use/masturbation could be a problem, have you ever tried an experiment for a period of time where you lay off of them and see what happens? Like over the next month, don't do them and see if your attraction turns to your wife and the imagery is re-set in your mind.

It's kind of like when you give up junk food - your taste palate gets reset after a period of time and whole food starts to taste delicious and junk food tastes like crap. 

Is your wife aware of your porn/masturbation habits? The reason I ask is because she could be a big help if she is aware of the issue and on-board with helping you out.

If she's shy and more inhibited, she may need someone who is willing and able to help lead her to open up more sexually - and that may mean meeting at her level and slowly working up to new levels by pushing on the boundaries a bit. But she'll be less likely to accept those nudges unless you have a solid relationship foundation.

Best wishes.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

While I don't know all the circumstances, do you think about your lack of erection during foreplay? If so you might be making a difficult situation worse. Not sure if you've tried this, but just try to focus on pleasing her and enjoy pleasing her and don't worry for a second about yourself. You mind find that things then just work themselves out.

I know for me just pleasing my wife can be very... well pleasing to me.


----------



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Thanks for the responses. Yes, my wife is aware of my masturbation and watching pornography. I don't know if she views it as an addiction or obsession or just part of being a man. She watched a movie with me once but it was quite awkward. She really couldn't let herself enjoy it. I let her pick the type movie hoping she would enjoy it because in my mind everyone has types of movies they like, but that didn't work. In the past she also used to talk about fantasy, naughty ideas like which of her former sorority sisters I liked, things that were fun and I enjoyed but it seems like once we were married and together all of that just stopped. I thought for awhile maybe I expected too much of her as my ex-girlfriend, who was the only other real long term relationship I've been in, was very open that way. I've come to miss that now though.

When I first had ED issues, I abstained from it for awhile but still had issues. That was with an ex. I don't dwell on it during foreplay but there are just times that even with taking Viagra it just doesn't work totally. Without Viagra it never works. I know doctors say excessive masturbation can't hurt you but I often wonder if I had nerve damage or something along those lines. Also, I have taken Propecia for hair loss for years. I also got off that awhile to see if that would fix the problem and it didn't. However, I gave that about 5-6 months and have seen online that there are now reports that symptoms can stick around for years or even permanently. In the past they never said the sexual side effects could last that long.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Not that I'm a doctor, but sounds like you have a serious physiological issue if Viagra isn't consistently working.

You've probably seen these sites, but in case you haven't...
Propecia Side Effects - Impotence, Low Libido, Erectile Dysfunction, Finasteride
PROPECIAHELP: Unresolved Finasteride Propecia Proscar side effects info & forum

Unless you're doctor has done some extensive work on ED issues, I'd ask around and see if you can get a 2nd opinion/help from a regional expert.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Here is another link with men with the same symptoms after taking Propecia....

Erectile Dysfunction/Propecia?/Testosterone?...Please Help - Erectile Dysfunction - MedHelp


----------



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Here is another link with men with the same symptoms after taking Propecia....
> 
> Erectile Dysfunction/Propecia?/Testosterone?...Please Help - Erectile Dysfunction - MedHelp


Thanks. I have read similar reports. I can't for the life of me understand why doctors don't say more about the possible long term side effects, not just temporary. It seems that more and more men are coming out with these issues.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you had your T (testosterone) levels checked? Check out the information and charts at *Normal Testosterone Levels in Men by Age - Free and Total Healthy Male Ranges*.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think Mori is right you may have low testosterone. The hair loss and high libido don't fit. But I think you should touch all base. 

You alludes to a problem with a past gf? Have you explored the role of this in the ED. I also read this in the following link. 

Porn-Induced Sexual Dysfunction Is a Growing Problem | Psychology Today
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I think Mori is right you may have low testosterone. The hair loss and high libido don't fit. But I think you should touch all base.
> 
> You alludes to a problem with a past gf? Have you explored the role of this in the ED. I also read this in the following link.
> 
> ...


When I had issues with the ex I went to a urologist. My testosterone levels were fine. He basically told me he could find no issue.

I also have wondered if it wasn't porn induced. Although my ex was very open and quite honestly wild so the attraction was never an issue or lack of stimulation.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

No obesity, diabetes, kidney or cardiovascular issues?


----------



## Rick3 (Mar 31, 2012)

morituri said:


> No obesity, diabetes, kidney or cardiovascular issues?



No, I'm healthy weight. My family has diabetes in it but I've had my sugar checked. Other than having a couple of kidneystones in the recent past no kidney issues.

The urologist back at that time couldn't find anything.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You may want to read Dr Robert Glover's *No More Mr Nice Guy*, Chapter 8 (page 114) "Get The Sex You Want: Success Strategies For Satisfying Sex". Can't hurt.


----------

