# Bumped into ex - did I embarrass myself?



## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Sorry really just needed to vent! Husband & I are separated, he left me 3.5 months' ago and flew back to his home country. We have a 4 month old daughter together. I bumped into him Today on the last day of my 2-week stay in his city for exams. Crazy!

My mind has been replaying the entire scene since & I am not sure what to make of it. I miss him all over again.

Anyways so it went like this. We saw each other in the shop.
He looked at me in pure shock.
I said hi and he gave me a hug. His face was entirely pale. 
A little bit of small talk and he asked to see a picture of our daughter. 
Showed him a few and he Bawled his eyes out. Can't help but feel like it was an act...? 
I was really bubbly and wanted to appear happy, not sure if I seemed too enthusiastic. 
I asked about why he hadn't paid child support to which he said he owed his mum money and how his brother took all his pay away. 
He went on telling me how awful of a person his brother was; he had been kicked out of his dad's and then brother's. 
I played it off cool saying everything's great. 
I asked him if we could talk things through and if he wanted to meet up that night. Lol so embarrassing. I think I went into autopilot & my body told me not let him slip away or something.
He seemed unsure. 
I told him "Ok let me know if you want to meet up. Just wanted to catch up. If not I'll go meet my friends, it's Fridayy". Ugh cringe. The desperation...
He said he might meet me. I told him I then had to go and he hugged me and said how happy he was to see that I was doing well. 

He texted me afterwards that he was sorry but wasn't up for tonight cause' he had a long day due to the fight with his brother. (Ouch, I feel heartbroken again. The one I long for...the light of my life. He who does not care to even see me one last time before I fly home to the other side of the world. Guess I should just detach.)
I said "no worries take care", he asked for more photos. I reminded him about child support. He tells me with a billion smilies he will do so asap and that he will send a parcel too. So i reply "aw thanks parcel would really be nice!" the end.

I have no choice but to detach. I already was detaching. But seeing him, I grabbed one last opportunity. It's a shame how someone you would give an arm for, won't even spare 10 minutes of his time for you...doesn't have the courtesy to respond to my texts when I would drop everything now just to see his face. I hate this. I am nothing to my husband who is my everything. Did I do OK and any explanations for his behaviour;??


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Louise McCann said:


> Sorry really just needed to vent! Husband & I are separated, he left me 3.5 months' ago and flew back to his home country. We have a 4 month old daughter together. I bumped into him Today on the last day of my 2-week stay in his city for exams. Crazy!
> 
> My mind has been replaying the entire scene since & I am not sure what to make of it. I miss him all over again.
> 
> ...


It's hard to understand how some people can be so cold. It's not only cruel to you, but also so uncaring to his daughter. Seeing him hurts but it also helps you to see what kind of person he is. Aside from being cruel, he also seems shallow and from the sound of his relatives, does not have genetics on his side. This should kill any false hopes you may have had and allow you to more quickly accept this reality. If possible, use any legal means to force him to pay to help raise your daughter. I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> It's hard to understand how some people can be so cold. It's not only cruel to you, but also so uncaring to his daughter. Seeing him hurts but it also helps you to see what kind of person he is. Aside from being cruel, he also seems shallow and from the sound of his relatives, does not have genetics on his side. This should kill any false hopes you may have had and allow you to more quickly accept this reality. If possible, use any legal means to force him to pay to help raise your daughter. I'm sorry you're going through this.


Haha thank you for that. He mentioned his brother told him to "just forget about your daughter." I'm shocked. I am also shocked he actually told me that about his brother. When he left me, he had told his entire family how awful living with me was. He still lasted a lot longer staying with me than with them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Louise McCann said:


> Sorry really just needed to vent! Husband & I are separated, he left me 3.5 months' ago and flew back to his home country. We have a 4 month old daughter together. I bumped into him Today on the last day of my 2-week stay in his city for exams. Crazy!
> 
> My mind has been replaying the entire scene since & I am not sure what to make of it. I miss him all over again.
> 
> ...



You did very well, it appears your ex has more problems than you, though I wouldn't hold my breath when it comes to child support, I do not think he will honor it. I would also not send him any pictures of the baby, if he is not willing to support the child, then he gets none of the benefits of being a father. Please set those boundaries now. You have done well, keep detaching, and file for divorce, move on with your life, he is the one who abandoned you and your child, definitely not the man you want to stay with.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

You seemed to handle it well. If you and your child are financially suffering, then you should get a court order to get said support on file. It's his child too.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

aine said:


> You did very well, it appears your ex has more problems than you, though I wouldn't hold my breath when it comes to child support, I do not think he will honor it. I would also not send him any pictures of the baby, if he is not willing to support the child, then he gets none of the benefits of being a father. Please set those boundaries now. You have done well, keep detaching, and file for divorce, move on with your life, he is the one who abandoned you and your child, definitely not the man you want to stay with.


Thank you! I appreciate that you think so. Though I will always feel like the loser who got dumped. My life now is a little more on track than his at least but I am honestly feeling so hollow inside and in great pain, missing him.

It stinks that despite his situation, homeless, broke, friendless, he still has no interest in coming back...  hurts a lot how unimportant I am to him.



itsontherocks said:


> You seemed to handle it well. If you and your child are financially suffering, then you should get a court order to get said support on file. It's his child too.


You are right, I had been holding off going to court. I wanted to settle it ourselves like adults, but communication is always inconsistent and we haven't even sat down once to talk about the entire marriage, parenting, finances. He's always avoiding the topic. I guess I have no choice but to use legal means.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Louise McCann said:


> hurts a lot how unimportant I am to him.


It will if you think it's about you, which it is not, it's not about you or about your child because guess what as a father he should want pictures everyday, if he's got money for shopping then that money should be going to his kid. End of.

His washy washiness, oh maybe we'll meet later, my brother's dog ate my money, I'm tired from a fight.

Yes you kind of embarrassed yourself but guess what, at least you were being true to yourself and honest, at least now you know for sure this guy is not worth it. Invest this time now in yourself and your child and detach.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lots of luck with getting another country to enforce child support laws in your country. 

The sad reality of the matter is that they just are not going to do it!

*


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> It will if you think it's about you, which it is not, it's not about you or about your child because guess what as a father he should want pictures everyday, if he's got money for shopping then that money should be going to his kid. End of.


You are absolutely right, he rarely ever asks for photos unless I am already talking about her. 

I can't help feeling like it is about me too though. I get that I had been an awful girlfriend before and at times a mean wife too. I get that he's probably not ready for a child and may be quite unfeeling towards her. I get that it won't work out.

What I don't get is whether his love for me was ever real. How I dream about us everyday while I probably don't come across his mind all that often. How I'd give up so much to be with him (still) but he wouldn't bat an eye. After all we shared and our good memories, I thought he would at least try Once to save the marriage but he was out faster than I could have said "Wait." 

It's just how unbearable the pain of unrequited love, betrayal and sheer rejection of the one person I would have done ANYTHING for. 

Sorry got carried away


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *Lots of luck with getting another country to enforce child support laws in your country.
> 
> The sad reality of the matter is that they just are not going to do it!
> 
> *


Is this true? My country in Asia has agreements to the UK in regards to child support but then again who knows if it will be strongly enforced or not... I go back to the UK, so if things don't look up, hopefully I can get it settled there itself


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You remind me of me and my stbxh. It's terrible to be the one still in love. We married jerks that's for sure. But I also believe there is something wrong with us because we still want them regardless of how they treat us.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

QUOTE=katiecrna;18309457]You remind me of me and my stbxh. It's terrible to be the one still in love. We married jerks that's for sure. But I also believe there is something wrong with us because we still want them regardless of how they treat us.[/QUOTE]

I was a jerk too in the beginning but I don't think that was the reason for the downfall of my marriage. It happened so quickly after the baby so maybe the relationship wasn't as great as I thought it was.

Maybe our happiness was all an illusion. I know everyone tells us to simply move on and live fulfilling lives. But it's really hard, before I met my STBXH, I had suffered from depression for many years and came close to suicide. When I met my ex, the first 6 months were difficult with my anger issues but for the first time ever I felt whole. I was so bloody happy. Then our relationship stabilised and was looking up or so I thought, LOL. Now it's over, and I feel like I am back in that depressive rut.

The question is, how do we stop caring for our exes, simply "move on" and feel great when the happiest times in my life were all with HIM.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I also believe there is something wrong with us because we still want them regardless of how they treat us.


I think it's because we love them unconditionally. Like family for the most part, like a mother loving her child or the love between siblings.


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## itsontherocks (Sep 7, 2015)

Louise McCann said:


> Thank you! I appreciate that you think so. Though I will always feel like the loser who got dumped. My life now is a little more on track than his at least but I am honestly feeling so hollow inside and in great pain, missing him.
> 
> It stinks that despite his situation, homeless, broke, friendless, he still has no interest in coming back...  hurts a lot how unimportant I am to him.
> 
> ...


You need to get your sh!t in gear. You have a child now. If he's not able to give you anything, there's a problem. This is life, we all have problems. Both of you can co-parent if both of you are on the same page. There is no reason for him, aside from medical issues, shouldn't have a steady job and a place to live. Give him one more chance to get his sh!t in gear and setup a fair payment plan or you'll have to go to the courts; which will make it even harder for him. 

From what you are describing, he's not even trying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You gave him another chance.
You gave him another stab at it. He stabbed you clumsily with a dull plastic knife from some forgotten fast food feast.

He gave you one thing of value....a beautiful girl.
He gave you one thing of value....a missing man formation. He gave up the ghost that you thought was real. He is his brothers keeper. And his brother is HEAVY.

He stood before you.
But he was not there.
He never was.

Correction, he almost was....when he fertilized your egg, allowed a beautiful girl to materialize. From a flesh and blood lovely maiden [you] and a micro-thin, absent man who can procreate.

He made a baby with his tool... on remote.
And a mind that is somewhere, not here.....hear?

You did not lose him..
He was never........

SCM


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You gave him another chance.
> You gave him another stab at it. He stabbed you clumsily with a dull plastic knife from some forgotten fast food feast.
> 
> He gave you one thing of value....a beautiful girl.
> ...


Living for this. If only I was as skilled with words. Thank you ?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Should have told him you had plans.


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