# used to be wild ... now its lame



## lawnmonkey (Oct 13, 2013)

Ok here goes i am at my wits end . I have looked every where at what to do about my situation so as a last resort i am turning to you guys and gals for help . 
Me and my wife use to be insanely crazy in bed , i mean watching porn , fantisizing , we even lived out a few fantasies that were crazy . We swapped up dominance in bed . Making it the very best of sex ever imagined . We split for a couple years and now we are back together and i couldnt imagine being without here ever again . We are going on 2 years now without hardly an argument . Everything is perfect except one thing . 
Ever since we got back together , our sex life feels like somethingyou see in an old 1950s movie , where Fred and Ethel decide to push the beds together for a nite . I have spontanously some on to her many times with a no or negative response . To the point i really dont like getting myself excited and making a move . In fear of getting shot down in flames . In the past oral sex was something i got anytime i wanted and it was to completion with her loving to swallow . ( trying to be clean here not sure whats allowed lol ) Now when we do have sex , and the rare occasion she does give me oral its just for a minute to get me hard. And honestly its obvious she doesnt enjoy it now , cuz it is like she has never done it before . No such thing as bad head , i always heard but when youve had the sex i have ... yea this kinda sux , no pun intended . I have no idea what to do i love her and dont wanna look somewhere else to get what i need . I watch my porn in private and take matters in my own hands , and honestly its more satisfying than being with her . At this point i feel honoured to give her oral and it seems she is so sensitive that i have to be carful not to get to rough or she will stop me . Giving and recieving oral is my fav , sex used to be a close 2nd but now its pretty much something to do to get my rocks off . She wont watch porn with me . Ive tried to get her tipsy enuff to maybe let loose again ... but she gets sick or sleepy before she gets close to getting wild and its over . I honestly feel she isnt attracted to me anymore . but still loves me . I feel more like her good friend or a brother in her eyes than i do a husband . I am afraid that sooner or later advances from other women are going to win out and i will do something stupid . And honestly its getting harder to turn them away . Helpp save my sexless marriage !!!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to her about it? What does she say? Does she know how much it's affecting you? 

You could look at the "Married Man's Sex Life Primer", and see if that kick starts her engine.

C


----------



## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

What did your wife do for those years during you split?
Have you both talked about the problems of why you
split up?

Is she holding resentment or anger against you?
Does she work or is she dependent on you?

You need to talk to her and ask find out whats going on.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lawnmonkey said:


> Ok here goes i am at my wits end . I have looked every where at what to do about my situation so as a last resort i am turning to you guys and gals for help .
> Me and my wife use to be insanely crazy in bed , i mean watching porn , fantisizing , we even lived out a few fantasies that were crazy . We swapped up dominance in bed . Making it the very best of sex ever imagined . We split for a couple years and now we are back together and i couldnt imagine being without here ever again . We are going on 2 years now without hardly an argument . Everything is perfect except one thing .
> Ever since we got back together , our sex life feels like somethingyou see in an old 1950s movie , where Fred and Ethel decide to push the beds together for a nite . I have spontanously some on to her many times with a no or negative response . To the point i really dont like getting myself excited and making a move . In fear of getting shot down in flames . In the past oral sex was something i got anytime i wanted and it was to completion with her loving to swallow . ( trying to be clean here not sure whats allowed lol ) Now when we do have sex , and the rare occasion she does give me oral its just for a minute to get me hard. And honestly its obvious she doesnt enjoy it now , cuz it is like she has never done it before . No such thing as bad head , i always heard but when youve had the sex i have ... yea this kinda sux , no pun intended . I have no idea what to do i love her and dont wanna look somewhere else to get what i need . I watch my porn in private and take matters in my own hands , and honestly its more satisfying than being with her . At this point i feel honoured to give her oral and it seems she is so sensitive that i have to be carful not to get to rough or she will stop me . Giving and recieving oral is my fav , sex used to be a close 2nd but now its pretty much something to do to get my rocks off . She wont watch porn with me . Ive tried to get her tipsy enuff to maybe let loose again ... but she gets sick or sleepy before she gets close to getting wild and its over . I honestly feel she isnt attracted to me anymore . but still loves me . I feel more like her good friend or a brother in her eyes than i do a husband . I am afraid that sooner or later advances from other women are going to win out and i will do something stupid . And honestly its getting harder to turn them away . Helpp save my sexless marriage !!!



Here goes:

- at first, the sex was legendary, amazing and anything goes.
- you both got along fantastically

- then you split for a few years. Why???? Did someone cheat?


- then you guys got back together and now the sex a meh, so - so and not even close to what is was before, oral, porn, nada.


Did you guys split because she or you cheated?

She may of had many guys and gals while you were split and now its not the same anymore?

Otherwise, she knew how fantastic the sex was before and women have excellent memories, so the sex would of returned back to what it was.


Something it not right here or not being told....:scratchhead:


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Does she understand how much you are being hurt by this? As in basically showing her and having her read what you have written here?


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> We split for a couple years and now we are back together and i couldnt imagine being without here ever again . We are going on 2 years now without hardly an argument . Everything is perfect except one thing .


The answer lies in your split. Separation can change people - how they feel about themselves, how they feel about the past, how they see the future, how they perceive you and how much they trust you.

You two were having all that wild sex together but you still ended up splitting up. Maybe she perceives that wild sex as leading to your split somehow? Maybe that wild sex wasn't as fulfilling to her back then as you thought? Maybe she sees you differently after the split? Maybe she has trust issues or abandonment issues or intimacy issues that she didn't have before the split? 

Maybe she's older now and is picking and choosing the kind of sex she likes? Maybe she's older now and the kind of sex she likes has changed?

This is something you need to discuss together. Ask her what she thinks of your sex life now, what she didn't like about your sex life pre-separation, what kind of sex life she thinks is ideal. Talk with her.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

1.She's not attracted to you that way anymore bc she's holding resentments for some reason
2.She doesn't feel emotionally safe with you anymore and that's causing her to be inhibited sexually.
3.she doesn't trust you enough to be open and wild sexually anymore.

Pick one...I'm sure there are more possibilities though.These are just the ones that pop into my head first.


----------



## lawnmonkey (Oct 13, 2013)

Ok guys we split because of drugs we both got hooked on dope and , i ran her off so we both could clean up , i realized my addiction to her was far worse / better than the drugs . We both are now clean , saved and living life for God . There was cheating on her part , as far as i know just one guy . But with suspicions of others . She denied anyone else so i have accepted that wether or not its the truth , i still love her and want to be with her . I do feel safe in saying that she is not cheating on me now . I trust her 100% . 
I have talked to her about this , of course , many times . She says she thinks she has a chemical imbalance and needs to see a doctor . In a month or so that will be possible and we can find out . She says she just doesnt have the desires for sex like she used too . She does seem to enjoy sex when we do have it . Except for oral sex . I dont get it as far as me on her .... she is so sensitive i can barely touch her . And its obvious when she does me she doesnt enjoy doing it anymore . Which i think i mentioned ... is my fav thing and i miss it alot lol . Not sure what else to say on the matter except help ?!?


----------



## lawnmonkey (Oct 13, 2013)

oh and i do talk with her about this as much as i can .... everytime she says the same thing and she gets aggravated at me . to the point its just not worth it and i give up talking .


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ok, well, my first thought is all this wild sex you were having was fueled by the drugs you were taking? Could that be it? Because it seems that getting clean is one of the big things that has changed since then.


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Ok, so you're both born-again? Depending on the religion or minister leading your congregation, there could be some shame teaching leading to her take on things.

Also, she may well associate the wild sex with binges, and thinks that it's a trigger for using. I'm of the belief that if a solid spiritual connection is made, there likely won't be any jonesing after the first few months clean. I'm willing to bet the farm this one is more likely.

Either way, she may have shame and/or guilt, or outsider's definitions of what "good" is, and what "sex within marriage" means. Have you two discussed it not in the bedroom, from a spiritual perspective?


----------



## lawnmonkey (Oct 13, 2013)

well we have been clean for over 5 years now , and no the sex was amazing and wild before drugs ever entered , although it did elevate the sex alot . , The spiritual side may be an angle i havent touched on , i will give it a shot , thanks , although before she made the change to God living it was still an issue . She has only recently been saved and baptised but that doesnt mean it wasnt there before , thinkin the things we did were sinful and wrong . cause honestly i feel alot of it was . So i will try that just gotta figure out how to start this out ... thanks again


----------



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

If her (and your) faith lend to literal interpretations of the Bible, it can happen.

I know my first few years clean/sober were just weird; I kept thinking "I did xyz when I got loaded, so I can't do that at all now". Sometimes I was trying to avoid what i thought might end up being a trigger, other times I had the good girl/bad girl/don't go there at all thing going on. Overthinking sex tends to ruin sex (for me).

FWIW, I know plenty of Christians (and Buddhists) who get down and dirty in a playful, respectful way. Nowhere in any religious literature that I've seen has it stipulated details like positions (aside from Hindus with the Kama Sutra), and that leaves it open to defining what's best for you.

Did she have any IC after the reconciliation? It does seem that perhaps her behavior apart from you cold be hanging heavy on her conscience and maybe she's in fear. 

I hope you all get back on track and have fun with it again; it's such a fantastic bonding, esp when you're spiritually aligned too.


----------



## lawnmonkey (Oct 13, 2013)

IC ? sorry not familar with that please explain . Im sure it will be ok , she is just fine with everything the way it is . And there is no way i will ever leave this woman , i just get tired of taking matters into my own hands lol . Doesnt help here lately the doc has me on new meds and it gave me the perfect side effect ..... raised my sex drive now to an insane level , so i pretty much am thinkn about it 24 /7 now  and going without


----------

