# He cant be bothered



## Tornado01 (Jan 1, 2009)

Hi Im new to this forum and Im hoping someone can help. Story so far - Married 12 years together 14, two kids 5 and 7, he works full time me part time. I know I still love my husband and really want it to work but feel if it continues the way we will end up hating each other. We have problems, no sex life, no conversation, no fun, don't go out, don't treat each other with respect. Ive have loads of ideas to change things but the main problem is my husband can't, won't put the effort into changing them. Ive tried talking, Ive tried nagging, screaming and almost leaving! I know my husband isn't happy as well so its not just me. He is an extreme case of 'head in bucket of sand'. He wants things to change but doesn't want to put the effort in!!!!!!!! He knows how I feel but even this isn't enought of a kick up the bum. Any ideas welcome on his lack of effort in changing our marriage.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You (should) know that communications are critical to a relationship. 

If you cannot talk to each other, then counseling is a MUST. Both of you need to talk to someone (else) who can help you talk to each other. 

Yes, change is needed, but it has to be both of you...not just him waiting for something to give him a reason. 

If he's waiting for a reason, he's not going to get it until he decides to do it with you...you've already pointed the line in the sand (leaving). Do it (just get one night in a motel, have a nice dinner by yourself, enjoy the night for yourself). I guarantee that will wake him up.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Tornado01-

When you say he "won't put in the effort", can you give us the worst example of that?


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## Tornado01 (Jan 1, 2009)

Gosh this has really made me think and made me take a long hard look at what I mean. Im being honost with myself and have realised Im probably overracting to some/most of the things. Probaby in most people books not bad but it upset me. I made a special meal set the table nice made a special effort and he just took his dinner off the table sat at the computer and continued to go on the car forums. He knew I had made a special effort and wanted to talk and that going on the computer was upsetting me because I TOLD HIM whilst he was doing it but that didn't stop him. To me that would be upsetting if our marriage was fine but he knows we are having major problems so am I wrong to be upset?


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

No you are not wrong to be upset. And I think the special meal WAS a big deal. He removed his plate and moved to the computer when you made it clear you wanted communication. You are going to have to be more direct in finding out how he feels. dcrim is right. If you can't talk to each other, things won't get better.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Well... I'm still waiting for that list 

But if you want to be "nice", and get results, you might have to give him time to de-frost if you were previously being icy yourself. So try keeping it up for a while, no matter how he reacts. You need to come into sync.


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