# Does your relationship with your father influence your choice of men?



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

One for the women to answer.

I have a great relationship with my dad, I love and adore him, he is a great man and sets a high standard for the type of men I want in my life.

I often stand back and observe my partner and my dad when they are together. It is actually very interesting, like they are both showing each other how important I am to them and they are to me.
It is non confrontational and there is no negative aspect to this, I merely find it interesting. It is respectful but like they are both making sure the standard of care and love for me is kept high, I really enjoy this aspect of their interaction together.
They are both similar men, strong, succesful, well balanced, high EQ'a and IQ's, all round good men.


Do you think the relationship you have with your dad impacts your choice of partner?


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

That is wonderful that you have found that in both your husband and your father!

My dad and I weren't close. I always felt loved and supported but we didn't really talk and he wasn't particularly involved in my life. I remember when he moved out of home, I was turning 17. He never talked to me about it. He just moved out. I sat in my room listening to music. 

He is a man of few words, with a large stature and a strong presence. I've observed the intimidating affect this can have on others. He likes to drink and it's his way of connecting. He's a man with a big heart though; has a lot of compassion. 

When I was in my early-20's, we got drunk together on wine and he told me how he was upset that I rarely visited or called him after he moved out and how that was a difficult time in his life. I told him that I was the child in that situation and there was no support given to me. I expressed all the things I was dealing with during that time that he was clueless about. A time later, we both admitted our faults during that period and moved on.

I didn't rely on him emotionally but I did want to gain his approval. Being a man of few words, I've rarely heard words of encouragement from him but those moments that I have, I distinctly remember. I've since let that need for approval fall by the wayside. I'm good. I don't need that from him. I've asked his advice/insight with major decisions in life. I might not necessarily follow his advice but I do respect it. My husband highly respects my dad too. 


But I would liken my husband more to my grandad. He likes to talk to people and is genuinely interested in others. He'll talk and laugh and his presence puts people at ease. He rarely drinks. He connects through conversation and making others feel welcomed and included.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Absolutely! ....and if I could figure out "HOW" it impacts my choosing, maybe I could stop choosing such fvcktards !


.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Holland said:


> Do you think the relationship you have with your dad impacts your choice of partner?


Yes.I tend to gravitate toward men who will give me more time and attention than the average man would be willing to give.Thankfully my SO fills my need for time happily because he's the same way.
My father walked out and never came back.My stepfather and my mother lived their lives as though there weren't kids around to take care of and love.
As an adult I don't like being the center of attention and I'd rather people just leave me alone in real life other than my SO.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Very much so. 

My Father was a quiet intellectual (college professor) who never lost his temper or showed inappropriate anger. He was modest, humble & treated me with the utmost kindess & respect.

1st husband, although an intellectual, had a big ego, a bad temper, could be unkind & disrespectful. I had no experience with this type of man - it was actually shocking to me.

2nd husband is more like my Father. Life is back to calm & peaceful.


----------



## Ellen Steve (Jan 23, 2013)

It does. But negatively. My last relationship ended badly, though it started wonderfully. I was aware of many things that my boyfriend was interested in that my father liked… and my father left us when I was very young. Now in hindsight I wonder if I was attracted to my boyfriend because I somehow missed my father. My boyfriend loved poker and gambling, he’s actually pretty good, but this was something my father also liked and he wasn’t too good. My boyfriend drank a little too much and my father was no stranger to constant inebriation. I’ve already discussed these correlations with a therapist and know there are a lot of things for me to work through regarding my father and the men I date. I just thought I would go ahead and share my story in case anyone else has had a similar experience.Save My Marriage


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Another reason why to be a good dad. Otherwise I'll be too busy later on down the track beating up the trash my daughter brings home. Though I would find that rather fun (and ironic), but would also find it insulting if when she enter teens and brings home a "bad boy" to shock me and her mum. 

I would be thinking "So this is the example that I've been raising you with, trash?" Bah! Hopefully my daughter will remain a daddy's girl so she doesn't give me any heart attacks in the future. I'm going to be old when she reaches puberty >.<


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Good question. I think it did influence me in a good way. 

I always got along better with my father than mother. He is a very kind man. I'm pretty sure I was his favorite child and I'm pretty sure my siblings know that on some level. He and I got along really well. I think subconsciously I wanted someone who was a family man like my father. Brilliant and wicked smart by any measure. Ivy League education and multiple degrees in difficult subjects. So I knew I wanted someone bright like that, but my dad doesn't have much EQ and I really needed someone who was different in that respect. He's the strong silent, John Wayne type. Doesn't show too much emotion and isn't very good at small talk or just hanging out. He's humble though. You'd never know his accomplishments because he doesn't brag about them. He also doesn't get easily upset and has a pretty laid back personality. My husband has those qualities, but is much better at communication, just chatting with people about anything, and talking to me about issues and feelings. My dad and my husband get along well.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I was never very close with my Father...growing up.... I remember him coming into my bedroom before work to kiss me on the forehead when I 1st moved in with him & my step Mother after my Mother left town..... as I grew older , that stopped. 

We kinda just lived there together.... he did his thing, step Mom did hers... I did mine.. 

He was there to provide me what I needed, and I believe he always loved me... it seems we talk MORE & became a little closer after I moved out... weird...but still ..we don't see each other much.. .when we do, it's very Fun though.. we have a good time. 

My choice in men had all to do with.. How they treated me, and would they make a good Father. I just kinda used my head, I am nothing like my mother either... I paved my own way. 

My husband is softer than my father was, way more attentive to his children. But outside of that... I think they are a lot alike in how they view life, $$, love, all of it...... 

I do look upon my dad as a good man, even if we weren't all that close.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by: RandomDude
> Another reason why to be a good dad. Otherwise I'll be too busy later on down the track beating up the trash my daughter brings home. Though I would find that rather fun (and ironic), but would also find it insulting if when she enter teens and brings home a "bad boy" to shock me and her mum.
> 
> I would be thinking "So this is the example that I've been raising you with, trash?" Bah! Hopefully my daughter will remain a daddy's girl so she doesn't give me any heart attacks in the future. I'm going to be old when she reaches puberty >.<


I know you didn't ask for advice, so feel free to disregard if you want to. 

The MOST IMPORTANT THING you can do for your daughter is to SPEND TIME with her. That will show her that YOU BELIEVE she is an important person. That what she says is important, what she believes is valuable, that men will find HER (just as she is) attractive and interesting.

Women who are promiscuous are usually looking for SOMEONE to say that she is important, wanted, cared about, loved, beautiful. That is why they trade on sex; guys will go for the sex and the girls will delude themselves into thinking he really cares about her (which was HER goal all along).

Let your daughter know ALL THE TIME that SHE is as important as your work, your hobbies, whatever. She won't have to go looking for some scumbag when she KNOWS her Daddy VALUES her ALL THE TIME.

*hug* for your daughter!


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Yes. I deliberately looked for a man who was not like my father. He was an alpha 1950's Dad who came back from WWII expecting the little woman to never have an opinion, have dinner ready the moment he came home, and keep the children quiet and out of his way. He focused on his career, and he criticized us if we brought home B's or C's on our report cards.

I am so glad that I found a caring man, and that is why I champion nice guys vs. the alpha ones on TAM.


----------



## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Yh I use to look at my dad and think i'm staying single lol


----------



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Holland said:


> Do you think the relationship you have with your dad impacts your choice of partner?


Yes, I think it has a big impact. 

Your father is the first man you observe from the moment you are born and the first man you love. And whether you try to date men just like your father, the polar opposite, or pick and choose the traits you like about him, he's always in the back of your mind when choosing a partner. 

There are many qualities that my dad has that I admire and wanted in a man, along with some qualities I definitely did not want(bad temper). I found a man who had many of the good qualities my dad has and also qualities he lacked in some areas. My husband never raises his voice at me, while my dad was a screamer.


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

Holland said:


> One for the women to answer.
> 
> I have a great relationship with my dad, I love and adore him, he is a great man and sets a high standard for the type of men I want in my life.
> 
> ...


this is soo freudian lol.
but back to the original question, i don't think so.i mean, daddy always treats me like a son instead like a daughter; but i like it.i like how he always leads me to brainy conversations even on personal/emotional things.
so naturally,im attracted to calm,gentle hearted & brainy men,like dad & STBXH. they even have the same first name. funny how life screwed me.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks SGW, she's with me most weekends and we just came back from our day out so lol

She's very curious and good fun, and I already know what I'm going to get her for her bday 
Guilty of spoiling her a bit since seperation however, where-ever she wants to go, I take her


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Thanks SGW, she's with me most weekends and we just came back from our day out so lol
> 
> She's very curious and good fun, and I already know what I'm going to get her for her bday
> *Guilty of spoiling her a bit since seperation however, where-ever she wants to go, I take her[*/QUOTE]
> ...


----------

