# Abstinence/rejection before marriage killed my sex drive...please help!



## TerraldTheTerror (Jun 3, 2014)

Here is the backstory:

I met my husband when I was 19 and he was 18. We began our relationship with a lot of fantastic sex and even moved in together after about a year. Well, after living together for a year, he renewed his faith in Christ and decided that we shouldn't be having sex anymore until we were married. 

Of course as a young woman, this shattered my self esteem...imagine, having sex with a man you love for a year or two and then he tells you he can't be intimate with you anymore. I tried to work through it, even though with every rejection I cried myself to sleep for about a year after that. Sometimes he would flat out tell me no, sometimes he'd give in...and then other times he'd get off and then leave me still wanting, without so much as a care. It left me feeling like my pleasure wasn't important.

Well, needless to say, we broke up some time after that. I moved on and during that time he would text me and tell me that if we got back together, he wouldn't take me for granted, he'd be intimate with me. Now don't get me wrong, I respect his faith...I understand it, but I was the one who was saying we should get married but because he's never had anyone in his family that has had a positive experience with marriage, he would avoid the subject. He has a history of being abused as a child and was basically abandoned so as most people would assume that he just simply didn't want me, it really wasn't the case, he just had some issue that stem from his childhood. 

So after a while, knowing that I loved him too much to be without him and believing his words about returning to our sex life, I got back with him. The sex was back for a couple months, just long enough for his to get engaged and then he reverted back to not wanting to do it until we were married and borderline emotionally abused me with the intensity of his rejections. This made me feel lied to and honestly, betrayed. But we were getting married now so it wouldn't be long, right? Sex was genuinely our only issue so we figured that once we were married and could do it freely, everything would be perfect. Keep in mind that at this point, we'd been together about five years and had similar goals for life so we weren't getting married just because of sex. 

Because of his emotional issues, there were a lot of conflicts that prevented us from getting married for a while. But we did eventually. 

Now we've been married for a year and a half and all of the emotional trauma I suffered with the years of rejection has effected me deeply. All the sex drive I had before, is completely gone because every time I lie down with him, all I can think of are negative things. I have nothing but negative associations with sex now and I can't make them go away. I feel so hopeless . Whenever he wants sex, I always have sex with him because I do not want us to be in a sexless marriage but as of late, I've felt more and more detached. He went from having sex with me freely, to rejecting me constantly, to telling me it was okay to have sex, to rejecting me again, to us getting married and having sex, to now being inconsiderate and just wanting to shove it in and get to it and only wanting to do it when he gets ready. 

We have sex every other night just to keep our sex life alive but we talk and he knows how I feel. He knows I don't get anything from it, that I'm numb. I just feel so hopeless. I don't know how to get my sex drive back.  I don't feel like him abstaining in the middle of our relationship did us any good and in fact, has only done a lot of damage.

If it helps, he may have been touched to some degree by his grandfather when he was little but he isn't sure...maybe he has additional trauma that has effected him? I don't know.

Anyway, I need help!! This is causing me to be depressed and to feel like a bad wife. I'm still putting out every other night but it sucks that it feels so empty. It certainly doesn't help his self esteem. I am still very much in love with him and very much attracted to him. I am only 26, it's too soon to be feeling this way.

Sorry this is so long but there is just so much backstory.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

There were many issues(emotional issues, prior abuse, etc.) prior to marriage and you got married anyways. Marriage does not fix problems, it tends to only exasperate them. 

But since you are already married, I suggest going to counseling. Both marriage counseling for both of you and individual counseling as well.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your sex drive is on your plate to fix.

He broke your trust and made you feel insignificant and minimized. You haven't yet begun to trust him back yet. That's a couple problem.

In my experience, lacking trust doesn't affect a general drive to have sex, but disliking your partner will.

You have a very complicated problem with a very confused and conflicted husband. Therapy with a PhD therapist, not a LCSW. If your husband has a history of CSA, you both will need to expertise to help wade through how that issue effects all your other issues.


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