# She's not sure what she feels..........



## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

Ok, here's my story....My wife and I have been married for about 6 years. We have a three year old daughter together. We've gone through a period of mutual neglect both emotionally and physically since about January of this year. Back in August, we had gotten into a big fight and it got to the point where we both agreed that maybe we shouldn't be married. I moved into a spare room and she stayed in the bedroom. Usually after a fight, we're both able to step back and work things out. Not this time.....About 3 to four weeks later, she filed papers. Since then, my mindset was to work things out. We had so much to lose to throw it away now. She told me that for too long she's felt like she hasn't been heard and her feelings seemed not to matter to me. I admit, I would counter her feelings with evidence that to me, proved her feelings were unfounded. She's moved into an apartment with our daughter and left me with the house. I've since done the marriage counselor thing and continue to do so. I now realize what effect this had on her. I've talked to her about this and have apologized for reacting this way. I'm grateful for the fact that we're able to talk amicably about our relationship. I've seen her go from a one way course to divorce to being able to sit down and talk about things. So much so that she had delayed the initial divorce date to January. It was kind of ironic that on our inital day of divorce (Dec 3rd) we were sitting down for dinner instead of standing in front of a judge dividing our assets. 
Where we currently stand, is that she's starting to open up emotionally to me. We can call each other, talk about our day at work, talk about our daughter, even just hang out together. Last night she said that she's still feeling blocked on the physical side of things. Meaning she'll give me a kiss when we meet and when we leave but nothing else. We can cuddle, but as soon as things start to heat up, she'll stop me and say she's not ready. 
My question is, could this just be a temporary thing? Is this part of the healing process? Or is she feeling that our relationship is so damaged that physical intimacy is just not emotionally possible? She tells me that she's still unsure if the changes she needs to see are possible or if they would be long lasting. I do my best to try and convince her that I'm commited to her and understanding her feelings. I recognize the mistakes I've made in our past and don't want to repeat them. I know whether it's a relationship with her or someone new these are changes I need to introduce. Still, I sense reluctance on her part to give me a shot at proving this. Is there anything I can do to help quell her fears? Will it just take more time? Or is our relationship so poisoned that there's no coming back??


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Just read this, sorry it is so late. I am gonna be honest here. She probably is holding back, because she knows that if you two are intimate it is going to blind her, and she is worried that she will come back and things will go right back to where they were. That is every persons fear after something like this. Oh I will move back home and a week later we will be back at square one. Show her that isn't the case, and also ask her about what she's feeling and if there is anything you can do to help her understand you better.


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

DawnD said:


> Just read this, sorry it is so late. I am gonna be honest here. She probably is holding back, because she knows that if you two are intimate it is going to blind her, and she is worried that she will come back and things will go right back to where they were. That is every persons fear after something like this. Oh I will move back home and a week later we will be back at square one. Show her that isn't the case, and also ask her about what she's feeling and if there is anything you can do to help her understand you better.


Hi Dawn, thanks for the reply. She's mentioned to me that she fears that things will go back to the way they were if she were to come back. Even if not right away, then soon thereafter. I've shown her some positive changes that she's been able to recognize already. Changes that I really find not to be difficult to keep. I know in the past, I've shut her down when she's asked me about something. I've purposely tried keeping discussions brief as to avoid them turning into arguments. Trouble is, this led to her feeling like she didn't matter to me. I thought I was doing a good thing by trying to keep the peace, however, I see now how this just made her feel unimportant to me. I've been conscious of this and have made it a point to just listen to her feelings. 
I guess I'm at a loss at this point as to how to prove to her that I am committed to this and that things can't go back to the way they were. I know if they do, we'll be right back where we are now. I've told her this but she still seems to have her doubts.....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am gonna do the best I can here, but bear with me. My H and our whole "situation" cause a lot of issues, so imagine my suprise yesterday when I get the mail, and there is a letter in it from him to me. I thought, okay that's weird, but lets see whats going on. My husband has a horrible time expressing himself and how he feels about us. Usually when he does say something, it comes out completely backwards. I know this, so I don't usually ask a whole lot of him. This letter was 4 pages of pure emotion. Why he loved me, why he hated how he had treated me, what he wanted to change and everything else. At the bottom it said, until the next letter baby, Love ____. This letter just about made me cry. He got home later that night and I couldn't help but want to kiss him. For him to take the time to write all that out, shows me that he is serious. Just a thought!


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

DawnD said:


> I am gonna do the best I can here, but bear with me. My H and our whole "situation" cause a lot of issues, so imagine my suprise yesterday when I get the mail, and there is a letter in it from him to me. I thought, okay that's weird, but lets see whats going on. My husband has a horrible time expressing himself and how he feels about us. Usually when he does say something, it comes out completely backwards. I know this, so I don't usually ask a whole lot of him. This letter was 4 pages of pure emotion. Why he loved me, why he hated how he had treated me, what he wanted to change and everything else. At the bottom it said, until the next letter baby, Love ____. This letter just about made me cry. He got home later that night and I couldn't help but want to kiss him. For him to take the time to write all that out, shows me that he is serious. Just a thought!


Thanks for the advice Dawn! I've actually done quite a bit of letter writing lately. I've written some of the longest e-mails I've ever written to her. I guess I'm the typical guy. One who's not very good at expressing himself. I usually try and communicate my feelings as least as possible and when I do, they always come out scrambled and off track of what I truly mean. In the past, I would reflect on our conversations and think "Oh Gee, I probably should have said it this way" or "Man, I shouldn't have said that." And in the past, after thinking I should have worded my conversation differently, I neglected to mention to her the changes I would have mad in our conversations. This left her thinking "Wow, what a jerk." And yeah, I could see her point in that. Well, I've tried to make a sincere effort in correcting that. In our current talks, if I say something I don't mean, I try to correct it right away. If it's something I don't immediately recognize as a mistake or that's misworded, I clarify my meaning in an e-mail the next day. She's seemed to have taken notice of this as she's mentioned to me, "Wow, it seems like you thought a lot about this." Yes, and indeed I have as I tend to replay or discussions in my head a hundred times, trying to find any type of missed meaning in her words. So, in short, she has taken some notice of the work I've done, I just hope it's enough for her to re-commit to me.....


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Outlook this is a normal step in the healing and reconnecting process. It is your job to continue to refenforce the positive changes you made. She needs time to trust and if there was anything you could do that would help her feel the changes are for real then do it.. 

My wife did this in our reconnection. She was scared to let her heart go there again. All i did was continue to show her it's worth it. Now she realizes how much she did that damaged our marriage and is now working on those issues.. Good luck..


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> Outlook this is a normal step in the healing and reconnecting process. It is your job to continue to refenforce the positive changes you made. She needs time to trust and if there was anything you could do that would help her feel the changes are for real then do it..
> 
> My wife did this in our reconnection. She was scared to let her heart go there again. All i did was continue to show her it's worth it. Now she realizes how much she did that damaged our marriage and is now working on those issues.. Good luck..


Thanks LH, It helps to know that it's possible to work things out. If time is what she needs, then I'm absolutely willing. It's nice to hear a success story. It's what'll keep me going. Thank you


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

I wanted to post a status update on my situation....

On the Tuesday before Christmas, invited me to dinner. Picked up food and ate at her place. Asked about her trip. She also invited me to Christmas Eve with her family. I accepted.

Christmas Eve was nice. I didn't feel awkward and she seemed to enjoy having me there. Had a really good time with her family. afterward, went back to her place, put my daughter to bed and then opened our presents to each other. It was also really nice. We sat by the tree and her gifts were very thoughtful. Feel asleep on the bed, woke around midnight. She asked me to come by in the morning to open presents with our daughter

Christmas morning showed up. I could tell she seemed "stressed." She said it was because the house was a mess. We gifts with our daughter. We were going to go downstairs to have breakfast with her family. I asked her if she was ok. She said that she was. I told her I could tell something was wrong. She said something to the effect that it was hard on her and that our situation proved to her that love only lasted so long before it was taken back. We went downstairs and I couldn't let that comment sit. I asked her what she meant. She said that sooner or later people always take back their love from her. I told her that I never did. She eluded that this had to do more with her mother. Breakfast began and we had a good time.

she seemed to be feeling better and even said so once she had eaten. At the end, we went back upstairs and I asked her if she wanted to join me for dinner at my parents. She seemed to have a hard time with deciding. In the end she said she just didn't feel right. Didn't want to lead my family on into thinking we were back together. I told her this wouldn't be the case. My family knows we're trying to work our stuff out and that they'd just be happy to see her. She again declined. I felt devastated and disappointed. I asked her how she thought I felt spending time with her family. Sure it felt awkward, but I got over it. She said something to the effect that she felt comfortable because she was in control when I was with her and her family. She said that her family knew how she felt about our situation. I was borderlined pissed! Finally, I said, thank you for inviting me, I understand that you're not ready and that I was just thankful for the time we had together and I left.

I felt horrible for the rest of the night.....

The next morning, I dropped off my daughter. I again said that I understood how she felt and that my family had missed seeing her.This led into a good conversation. We chatted about the work that we were both doing. It ended on a good note. She said that she always feels better after we talk. She was meeting with her mother that day and I knew it was going to be stressful for her. I told her I'd be thinking of her..

Sunday, I hadn't heard anything from her. I kind of expected to get a phone call from her letting me know how things went with her and her mom. I felt very very depressed... Come Monday, still haven't heard from her.. 

Saw her Monday night, nothing really new, asked about her weekend. Said it went well with her mother. Asked her if she felt any different about the physical stuff and she said she felt the same. Asked her if she had any New Year's plans, she said she would probably being hanging out with one of her friends. She said that maybe we could get together for dinner. I also mentioned that I'd be taking my daughter to the movies over the weekend and that she was welcome to join us. She accepted.

Tuesday night was different. She had taken the day off to spend with my daughter and ended up hanging out with the neighbor next door. She pulled in the driveway and called me from there. She said that my daughter wanted to say goodnight. I asked her if she wanted to come in and she hesitantly agreed. She left the car running and came in. She was visibly uncomfortable but she sat down and was looking around. She picked up the cat which I know she misses a lot. She stayed for about an hour. We talked about all sorts of stuff. When she left, I went to give her a kiss and she turned her cheek to me. This hurt....
I knew she was feeling uncomfortable, so I debated calling her. About 9:20PM, I did. I asked her if she was ok and that I know seeing the house was hard. She said that it was nice of me to call and that she was doing ok. She just seemed a bit withdrawn. A lot of emotion I'm sure....

Wednesday morning, called me up to discuss a tenant issue. Had a good conversation. Much more light-hearted.

Sunday, I dropped off my daughter, She invited me to stay for dinner. I accepted and we had a good conversation. It eventually turned to us and she mentioned some feelings of anger that were starting to surface for her. Specifically around me keeping the house. She also mentioned her issues with friends. She wants to continue her friendships (which I was never opposed to) and would like to see us hang out more with them. She admitted that maybe she needs to look more at the future of us instead of the past

Monday Night, I brought over coffee and we chatted some more. This time it was everything to do expect us. Mood felt different, better more lighthearted and she seemed to be more "herself"

Tuesday, just before work, dropped a "bomb." Told me she was filing for another 2 month extension........

I feel no that I need to backoff for a bit

I'm feeling like a donkey being led by a carrot, and I'm the ass

why the need to feel in control?

She doesn't seem to accept feeling emotion


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Outlook - is there a chacne that there is someone else in your wife's radar...?
What is your gut feeling here?
Sounds like she is literally trying to 'choose' - but between you and what? 
It hardly ever turns out on this forum that spouses want freedom to be free - it is usually so athat they can attach themselves to someone again....
I may be wrong - but she is beginning to confuse you and that's a dnagerous situation for your heart.


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

knortoh said:


> Outlook - is there a chacne that there is someone else in your wife's radar...?
> What is your gut feeling here?
> Sounds like she is literally trying to 'choose' - but between you and what?
> It hardly ever turns out on this forum that spouses want freedom to be free - it is usually so athat they can attach themselves to someone again....
> I may be wrong - but she is beginning to confuse you and that's a dangerous situation for your heart.


I don't think so... I've asked her flat out if there was someone else. That it would be easier, in a way, if there was so we both could move on. She says there's no one else. I believe she's legitimately confused as to what she wants and whether or not thinks could/would change. She's had a lot of issue growing up centering around trust, and love from her parents . She's mentioned that these feelings of low self worth crept up in our marriage as well. I've been working at showing her that I'm not the same as her mother and that I acknowledge the mistakes I've made. I want to make thing better where her mother would not. Her mother would place the blame of any bad situation solely on my wife. She's since isolated her mother by distancing herself from her. Once she did that, I feel the focus then shifted to me.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

well I guess that is all that you can go on
to protect yourself you may need to start setting some boundaries up.
at the moment you are up or down depending on her - completely.

You can wrestle some power back by 
giving her the space she wants - 
that is no contact except over money or your child
in the meantime you try and start to set your own timeline, your own agenda...
it is hard but I think you are realising that letting her dictate everything is not good for you 
no matter what her issues with mother etc - or her past 
don't keep on using these as an excuse /explanation for her behaviour now 
either she wants to work on the marriage or she doesn't...
tru reading Corpus Wife's love must be tough thread -
it explains the no contact thing pretty well.


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

knortoh said:


> well I guess that is all that you can go on
> to protect yourself you may need to start setting some boundaries up.
> at the moment you are up or down depending on her - completely.
> 
> ...


I've always been torn on the "No Contact" approach toward her. My fear is if I try the "no contact" method, that it will feed into her fears of abandonment. She's always felt abandoned by both her mother and father at some point in her life. As fate would have it, her parents divorced when she was 3yrs old (although it was related alcoholism, which isn't present in our situation) When she tells me "Love only last so long before it's pulled back," it clearly presents past issues creeping back up. I've asked her if she's felt like she's mattered to people throughout her life and she's tearfully told me "No." 
Right now it seems she's surrounding herself with friends and situations which distract her from working on us. My gut tells me that this will eventually wear off and she's just delaying focusing on our issues. Like many others I read about on these forums, I want so desperately to show her my attitude toward her and our marriage has indeed changed. I want her to know that she is valued more than anything to me and I'm not about deserting her like others have done to her before.


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## Outlook (Dec 15, 2009)

Well, I wanted to post an update on my situation. My wife and I still seem to talk quite often. She'll send me a funny e-mail or call out of the blue to tell me a funny story about my daughter. She's even invited me to join her along with our daughter for dinners. There are times we can hang out and just talk about all sorts of stuff like her job, family, and whatever. There are other times, where I'll try and ask her about us. She responds very open and honestly (it seems anyway) She still contends that she's not sure what she wants out of life. That she's enjoying the freedom of being single and that she's not sure why her feelings are so numb when it comes to us. When I ask her what she's looking for in the future, whether it's to remain single, date or something long term with someone, she responds that she wants to look for something long term. I then asked her if she feels the freedoms that she's enjoying now would go away once she had a long term partner would go away, she responded by saying that she knew they would eventually. 
I guess I'm just so confused by all of this. I feel that I'm the one that can meet her needs, dreams and desires if given a 2nd chance. She just doesn't seem to want to be open to anything else but friends. My question is, is there a possibility for her feelings to come back in regards to us? She recognized that I've done the work to change my attitudes toward our relationship. It just doesn't seem to be enough though. What is it that she needs to see in order for her to realize that our marriage is worth giving another shot?


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