# Offhand comment really hurt



## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

OK, a little background......

The wife and I have been married 31+ years have done and talked about a lot of sexual things in that time. I have known her (and all her boyfriends) since she was 15 / I was 17, so not much is hidden between us. I love her because she does not have a mean bone in her body and has no history of saying hurtful things (to anyone).

We were driving to a mall the other day, and I asked out of the blue "Which of your former lovers was best at oral sex?"

She replied matter-of-factly with his name (Doesn't matter, I knew him well).

I came back with "I am curious, what was it that he did that makes him the best?"

She thought for a minute, then again matter-of-factly replied "I suppose that He knew what he was doing"

My heart nearly stopped, and I felt badly hurt at the implication that I do not know what I am doing. That was Saturday, today is Thursday and I am still smarting a little. We have talked about it twice, she has apologized, didn't mean it the way I took it etc.

I don't want to ruin the openness between us, how do I make this hurt go away?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How does that imply that you don't know what you're doing?????

I'm not seein it, sorry.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NothingsOriginal said:


> OK, a little background......
> 
> The wife and I have been married 31+ years have done and talked about a lot of sexual things in that time. I have known her (and all her boyfriends) since she was 15 / I was 17, so not much is hidden between us. I love her because she does not have a mean bone in her body and has no history of saying hurtful things (to anyone).
> 
> ...


Stop talking about it.

You asked her to comment on something that happened better than 31 years ago...........between her and someone else. News Flash....it doesn't matter. 

You are on the way to seriously creating issues with openness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NothingsOriginal said:


> We were driving to a mall the other day, and I asked out of the blue "Which of your former lovers was best at oral sex?"
> 
> She replied matter-of-factly with his name (Doesn't matter, I knew him well).
> 
> ...


You asked her which of her FORMER lovers was the best. I'm not sure why you took her answer personally since you are not in the group of "FORMER LOVERS". She did not compare you to her former lovers. You are the one twisting what she said to make it seem like she was saying something about you.

It sounds to me like you were fishing for a compliment, not a truthful answer.

Since you are not able to handle the kind of info you asked for, you should not be asking your wife these kinds of questions. You can bet that she will never answer anything like this again honestly.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

It was probably stupid to ask.

But since Pandora's box is now open; tell her that this has hurt you a little bit. Tell her that you want to be the best in the world ever for her (totally normal to want that); and for her to give you honest feedback as to how you can make oral even better than it already is.

And if you were mean to her for her honest answer (I'm not getting that you did); but *if* you were; then apologize. Tell her your ego is bruised, and you just wanna be her everything.

Good luck; and I personally believe it is awful to think of your marriage partner thinking that someone else was better at sex in any way shape or form---I sympathize with you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You tried to give her a **** test. Like, does this make my butt look fat? My advice to you: Don't ask these kind of questions. Especially since you can't handle the answers.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't know why you'd ask a question like that.

Why invite hurt feelings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Ask the follow on, better than you? If yes what do you need to do to be better and why hasn't she asked for 31 years?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Don't ask 

Don't tell


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Well it wasn't a nice thing to say, but it was the truth. 
Use it for the positive, do some research about how to please her orally better and give her an earth shattering O! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

By the way, I wouldn't really call this an "off-hand" comment. It was a direct response to a direct question. If she had randomly just mentioned this little factoid to you out of the blue then yes, I'd be pissed. But that's not what happened.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NothingsOriginal said:


> OK, a little background......
> 
> The wife and I have been married 31+ years have done and talked about a lot of sexual things in that time. I have known her (and all her boyfriends) since she was 15 / I was 17, so not much is hidden between us. I love her because she does not have a mean bone in her body and has no history of saying hurtful things (to anyone).
> 
> ...


Why the hell would you ask this question. You are just pain shopping. Seriously man you get what you deserve. Why don't you ask her if yours is the biggest next time.

OK now that that is over, compete man. Your not to old to learn to be the best.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

sokillme said:


> You are just* pain shopping. *



Never heard this description before. It's a good way of putting it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds to me like you were fishing for a compliment, not a truthful answer.
> 
> Since you are not able to handle the kind of info you asked for, you should not be asking your wife these kinds of questions. You can bet that she will never answer anything like this again honestly.


THIS is how women think and feel when they ask this question to us husbands. For this reason when my wife feels the need to dig into my sexual past, I selectively choose the most awkward moments and embellish the details to make it sound like a god awful horror story.

Literally about two days ago she asked me if any of my previous girlfriends were good at oral. And this was in the context of just after her being really proud of herself in our bedroom. So I told her that it was really painful with my previous girlfriends because most of them would scrape me with their teeth really bad, and that I would close my eyes, grit my teeth, and pray to orgasm fast so that the nightmare of a BJ of theirs would stop. Then to make things worst, they would even complain about their jaw being soar afterwards and that I was lucky to get such an awesome BJ.

OMG when I tell stories like these for my wife, she just beams of joy and happiness! Now I'm not telling her lies, but I do have a very selective memory for occasions like this to help boost her confidence.

Badsanta


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NothingsOriginal said:


> OK, a little background......
> 
> The wife and I have been married 31+ years have done and talked about a lot of sexual things in that time. I have known her (and all her boyfriends) since she was 15 / I was 17, so not much is hidden between us. I love her because she does not have a mean bone in her body and has no history of saying hurtful things (to anyone).
> 
> ...



I don't know what you expected from this kind of questioning, an ego boost or the truth? Older women have less of an inclination to protect their partners feelings and in this case you asked a question and you got the answer, deal with it.

My take, if you can't stand the heat, then don't go in the kitchen. At your age no need to play games imo. You ask dangerous questions, be prepared for dangerous answers.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why would you ask your wife of 31 years this? Besides callously hurting you with her truth, you got her thinking about her previous lovers. Do you want her fantasizing about this guy's tongue and d!ck? 

Questions like that could plant bad seeds. Don't be surprised if she's now looking him up on social media.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

She doesn't give you high ratings in the oral sex department, that much is clear. 

She was tactful enough not to say anything until you put her up to it and she gave you an honest answer. 

Now you're butt hurt because you can't handle what you perceive as criticism?

So what you're not so great at oral sex, it's not the end of the world. I'm sure you can think of at least one thing you're better at than any of her old boyfriends, such as painting a house or trimming the hedges. We've all got our strengths. Yours is obviously not self confidence but again, life goes on, I mean if you think about is, out of all those old boyfriends including King Cunnilinguis, she chose you (unless of course she was dumped).


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

He didn't ask who was the best ever. He asked which of her FORMER lovers was the best. He's not in that group of people. Her answer was about former lovers, which one of them was the best and why. The answer had nothing to do with him.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Livvie said:


> He didn't ask who was the best ever. He asked which of her FORMER lovers was the best. He's not in that group of people. Her answer was about former lovers, which one of them was the best and why. The answer had nothing to do with him.


Doesn't matter. If he was at least as good as the exbf who knew what he was doing she would have clarified that when he started crying about it. She simply apologized and said nothing more. The silence speaks volumes.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

What's that old analogy.
Never ask a question you don't already know the answer to. I think applies to this.
Really I think you are over reacting a bit. Are you a former lover? No...so why do you think you are part of the group. 
Let it go and stop talking about it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You were a dumbass for asking the question. And now you're all butt-hurt....


"Hey honey, which of your former lovers fvcked you the best?"

"Hey honey, which of your former lovers did you have the hardest time giving a blowjob to because of his size?"


You just randomly come up with questions like this?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

NothingsOriginal said:


> OK, a little background......
> 
> The wife and I have been married 31+ years have done and talked about a lot of sexual things in that time. I have known her (and all her boyfriends) since she was 15 / I was 17, so not much is hidden between us. I love her because she does not have a mean bone in her body and has no history of saying hurtful things (to anyone).
> 
> ...


Time. Just give it time, and do not try to hide from the pain, and you will likely eventually make peace with it. 

The truth hurts, but can heal us if we can accept it, and learn from it, and not fight it.

Many of us are not "the best" our spouses have ever been with, at least in some ways. But we were the ones they wanted to commit their lives to. That counts for a lot, or should. Let it soothe you right now.


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

jld said:


> Time. Just give it time, and do not try to hide from the pain, and you will likely eventually make peace with it.
> 
> The truth hurts, but can heal us if we can accept it, and learn from it, and not fight it.
> 
> Many of us are not "the best" our spouses have ever been with, at least in some ways. But we were the ones they wanted to commit their lives to. That counts for a lot, or should. Let it soothe you right now.


21 replies and only 1 (quoted above) chose to actually answer my question. Thank you JLD.

To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.

I am surprised nobody said "Divorce her" as I see as the standard answer on so many posts here. No wonder so many newbies here ask one question and then disappear.

I am saddened to say this will be my last post on TAM. I learned a lot here, especially from BadSanta.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

NothingsOriginal said:


> I don't want to ruin the openness between us, how do I make this hurt go away?


We don't all carry the same talents... why would you want this comparison to begin with?

In the end, comparisons are simply an open invitation to hurt, truth is fine as long as you can be humble enough to accept it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NothingsOriginal said:


> 21 replies and only 1 (quoted above) chose to actually answer my question. Thank you JLD.
> 
> To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.
> 
> ...


I asked how how you got to the conclusion you did. Can you answer my question? Because I really do not see it. You've been with this woman for 31 years. Why are you assuming she's being critical of you?


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

You've been married for 31+ years. Even if you weren't the best at that one thing, you obviously were the best at everything else because she chose you and has been with you for most of your lives. So don't stress this answer - no matter how much you love someone or they love you, it's just not possible to be the best at EVERYTHING!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

@NothingsOriginal I agree that she answered your question. You did not ask who was the best at oral sex but which of her former lovers. 

You are currently her lover and cannot be counted among former ones. She did nothing wrong, she answered your question with the same openness that you have enjoyed for decades. If you made her feel wrong then you need to fix it.

You need to resolve this in yourself before you approach her again about it. The reason is that she would be wise to shut the openness down if there is a risk of saying the wrong thing and hurting you.

You are not wrong for your feelings but they are misdirected. You have the problem and you have control over fixing it. That's good news, right?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What prompted you to ask the question?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Well, water under the bridge, but next time "what can I do to make oral better for you?" or when doing it "tell me exactly what you want". or even "I want to be your sex slave tonight - command me to do exactly what you most enjoy". is probably a better way to ask. 






NothingsOriginal said:


> 21 replies and only 1 (quoted above) chose to actually answer my question. Thank you JLD.
> 
> To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.
> 
> ...


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

Hmmm...as they say if not prepared for the answer then don't ask. 

Since you are so open, next time you are doing your business with her, ask her what she would like you to do (not in a business sort of way...be smoother about it). I never had a bad experience doing that and neither to my knowledge has the woman...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

NothingsOriginal said:


> how do I make this hurt go away?


By not asking your wife any more outrageously stupid questions


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

NothingsOriginal said:


> *21 replies and only 1 (quoted above) chose to actually answer my question. *Thank you JLD.
> 
> To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.
> 
> ...


 @NothingsOriginal I actually found most of the replies in this thread to be on topic, and you have to realize that most people do not have the big picture and simply give a knee-jerk response based on what they have experienced in their own relationships.

Perhaps @jld was the only one to reply in a way that _you wanted to hear things,_ and that since you were hurting, you perhaps did not want to hear other opinions. 

Many times I have come to TAM while in a situation like yours with my feeling hurting, and thinking I was justified to feel the way I did, only to find myself getting a significant reality check. These reality checks on TAM, while they may be others projecting unrelated problems at you, do offer how people can respond to things in a wide variety of ways. I personally find the negative opinions and debate to be some of the most useful feedback, as it is helpful to see things from as many points of view as possible. 

Consider it an exercise in patience. If you can remain positive about how people criticize you, odds are you will find yourself really learning what it takes in a marriage to make things thrive. 

In the meantime, I appreciate your compliment, but insisting that this was your last post for not appreciating the way others were trying to help you makes me see a red flag that I used to be so familiar with in myself. And that is trying to keep you chin up when you get and offhand comment that really hurts, let it go, and then find the courage to change it into something you can roll on the floor laughing about. 

My wife makes so much fun of me all the time these days with regards to being extremely critical of my sexual prowess. I'll pause to collect my thoughts, then join in and make fun of myself too! The best part is when I awkwardly criticize her for liking me so darn much as if she is the stupid one! Then we both die laughing at ourselves...

:grin2:

Badsanta


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I agree with the above poster somewhat. A lot of persons come here from bad relationships. So dysfunctional, co-dependent, hurting people offer advice out of anger instead of cool heads. Nevertheless, their posts are always insightful pieces of how persons think
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NothingsOriginal said:


> 21 replies and only 1 (quoted above) chose to actually answer my question. Thank you JLD.
> 
> To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: *What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.*
> 
> ...


You say that you were fishing for some specifics on how to please her more. But here is the question that you asked us. It's the question we answered. You make the hurt go away by realizing that your wife was not talking about you when she answered your question.



NothingsOriginal said:


> I don't want to ruin the openness between us, how do I make this hurt go away?


And we have no idea how you can please your wife better orally. You need to ask her. Maybe she's down rights pleased with your oral skills.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I don't get why people are wasting their time posting to this thread continuing to offer advice when the Op said no one answered his question and he's still crying about it and he's not coming back.


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## 1RedKing (Jun 3, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Hell Badsanta I married your badly embellished Ex's.
> 
> Sent from my HTC_0PJA10 using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

browser said:


> I don't get why people are wasting their time posting to this thread continuing to offer advice when the Op said no one answered his question and he's still crying about it and he's not coming back.


Because we discuss things. That is what you do on a discussion forum. 

Sometimes a topic is worth wearing out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

NothingsOriginal said:


> OK, a little background......
> 
> The wife and I have been married 31+ years have done and talked about a lot of sexual things in that time. I have known her (and all her boyfriends) since she was 15 / I was 17, so not much is hidden between us. I love her because she does not have a mean bone in her body and has no history of saying hurtful things (to anyone).
> 
> ...


Never ask for answer to questions you don't want to know.

Nothing good could have come from that question...nothing.

Only an insecure man asks that question to begin with, further reinforced by your response.

You just sh!t tested your wife, and you both lost.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

NothingsOriginal;
I am saddened to say this will be my last post on TAM. I learned a lot here said:


> You probably won't see this post, but I think that your feelings get hurt a little too easily.
> 
> Imagine that you and a few buddies were talking about who gave the best ever bj and your buddy's answer was some gal 30 years ago named "Dolly". Your buddy has a good relationship with his wife and he thinks that she's the best overall lover that he's had. Should his wife be upset?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Never ask for answer to questions you don't want to know.
> 
> Nothing good could have come from that question...nothing.


You're completely right, but I also think that her answer isn't that earth shattering. If the OP's question was "Who have you most enjoyed making love with?", then his hurt feelings would be more understandable. Oral sex is very specific and technical. The best BJ I ever received was not from a lady who I enjoyed great sex with.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> How does that imply that you don't know what you're doing?????
> 
> I'm not seein it, sorry.


Hope's response angered me, until I saw it......too.

OP's wife should have said that one of her old BF's did a good job, and so do you, DH.

Put brain in gear before running mouth. She did not.......ooops!

Some men and women are too sensitive, too thin skinned, to full of self doubt.

Ain't love grand!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is what you did.

You unearthed a 50,000 year-old skunk ancestor and threw it down in front of an en-paneled and distinguished group of Vertebrate Paleozoologists.

All but JLD told you it was a skunk. 

Now you run away from the stink.

Ask and Ye shall Receive.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Don't ask a question you can't handle the truth about.

Sent from my Nexus 5 using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NothingsOriginal,

Sorry to see you go, especially since this specific topic is so near to me.

I wish you could have given some of the backstory to why you asked that question.

My W has never liked oral given by me and I've never gotten a convincing explanation why, nor a statement that she can come that way, she would rather talk about death I think.

If I found out she had multiple orgasms from oral from someone else I think I would divorce her. 

Tamat


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

NothingsOriginal said:


> 21 replies and only 1 (quoted above) chose to actually answer my question. Thank you JLD.
> 
> To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.
> 
> ...


Ok then 

Divorce her. 

The problem with free advice is thats its free
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Well, water under the bridge, but next time "what can I do to make oral better for you?" or when doing it "tell me exactly what you want". or even "I want to be your sex slave tonight - command me to do exactly what you most enjoy". is probably a better way to ask.



This ^^^

I am your sex slave, direct me on bringing you unsurpassed pleasure. I an definitely going to use this on my hubby -- no matter how I ask what he prefers during oral he will invariably answer "I have no complaints, just keep doing what you're doing "


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

We answered much like his wife it seems.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Yes. I think turning it into a game can make it fun (for both of you) and let you get the information you want.



KaraBoo0723 said:


> This ^^^
> 
> I am your sex slave, direct me on bringing you unsurpassed pleasure. I an definitely going to use this on my hubby -- no matter how I ask what he prefers during oral he will invariably answer "I have no complaints, just keep doing what you're doing "
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> NothingsOriginal,
> 
> Sorry to see you go, especially since this specific topic is so near to me.
> 
> ...




I know you're not the OP but your concern is pretty common. You've concluded you're not doing it right and you've reached that conclusion without any help from your wife.

My suggestion is that your oral skills have nothing to do with her enjoyment. She can't enjoy it because she is too squeamish about someone face being up close and personal with an area of her body that a LOT of women feel conflicted about.

Women have a love/hate relationship with their lady parts down there. We may love how we feel down there during sex, but the rest of the time we aren't in love with that area. Getting a monthly period is a PIA! The mess, the blood, the ruined panties and other clothing items. Blood on the sheets. Changing tampons. Swapping pads. Keeping products with us. The smell from perspiration mixed with blood is not appealing. Women endure it because we have no choice. So we see our lad parts in reality that includes our menstruation, while men see our lady parts from playboy. We see our lady parts after child birth, while men, hopefully, have not been scarred for life watching what happens down there during delivery. You don't see the aftermath, we feel the aftermath and we tend to the aftermath. Love the feeling during sex, hate the god damned mess every month.

This is why a lot of women do not want any face being up close and personal with their lady parts. It has nothing to do with your skills.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Anon Pink,

Thank you for your very well considered observations which are bolded.

*I know you're not the OP but your concern is pretty common. You've concluded you're not doing it right and you've reached that conclusion without any help from your wife.*

Actually I think it has something to do with technique, but has more to do with an attraction to the person doing it and a feeling of romantic love for that person. 

I did get some help from her in that my W has said things to me like she much prefers a massage from me to me licking down there. She might have said that 15 or so years ago but it’s the kind of memory which never stops echoing.

* My suggestion is that your oral skills have nothing to do with her enjoyment. She can't enjoy it because she is too squeamish about someone face being up close and personal with an area of her body that a LOT of women feel conflicted about.*

I do understand that. I suppose that’s why she might have tried it with OM-1 and liked it, because she knew deep down that their relationship was going nowhere and was uninhibited with him, he would keep her secrets and she would keep his. The feeling that perhaps she is inhibited with me when she gave it freely to someone else is very powerful, it’s an intimacy between those two from which I am excluded.

*This is why a lot of women do not want any face being up close and personal with their lady parts. It has nothing to do with your skills.*

Agreed, and I would further say that a woman who is unaroused by you will never come with you. It’s claimed that women have as much erectile tissue as men, so if they aren’t engorged then all the skills in the world won’t matter.

Tamat


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

NothingsOriginal said:


> To the ones that are critical of me for asking such a question: What I was fishing for was some specifics on how I could please her more. Answers could hove been he did things softer, harder, faster, slower, whatever. I was not looking to stroke my ego or whatever.


Sorry you're not coming back but it doesn't change the fact that this was just an ignorant question you set yourself up for. 

How the hell does asking her who gave her the best oral sex over 31+ years ago help you 'learn' anything? If you wanted to 'learn' how to please her better, then you could have asked her exactly what you wrote ABOVE - does she like it softer, harder, faster?, etc. etc. What some guy did over 30 years ago is so immaterial it's laughable. You were fishing for compliments and it backfired on you, plain and simple.


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