# Very dysfunctional marriage and worried about my children



## kindle11 (Dec 26, 2011)

Hello, I am new to this forum or any forum for that matter. I am at my wits end and need advice from a neutral source. I have been married for 23 years. I met my husband at work and we started dating (if you could call it that). I was 18 and quite wild. I lived with a good friend (female)....our first apartment after leaving home. Our relationship consisted of getting drunk and partying most of the time. Back then it seemed fun....now not at all. We moved in together and that did not last long. He left me for the older woman he was living with prior to meeting me. I was heart broken and did everything I could to get him back.....I won and know now I would have been better off if I had left him alone. Long story, short our life is miserable. We have two wonderful children, a son who is 16 and a daughter who is 7. Me and my husband do not really associate. After his many years of drinking I just don't care anymore. Yesterday was Christmas and he stayed gone all day (he did watch the kids open their gifts). Christmas Eve and all the ones prior to this one I am up until late into the night putting together the toys, etc while he is either gone or passed out. We basically just exist in the same household. I sleep with our daughter because he gets so drunk he wets the bed. He gets mad at me if we don't have sex but he is usually too drunk to have sex but he tells me I am "with-holding" myself from him. I enjoy sex too but not with a drunk. He does work but never comes straight in but stays out in his workshop drinking. Very rare that we ever sit down to eat supper together. He doesn't attend any family functions. He blames me for all of our problems, financially, sexually, etc. I am not perfect and do have faults which he loves to throw in my face. He tells our son all of our problems and I hate this. A teenager is dealing with enough already without having to listen to his drunk daddy tell him how much money we do or don't have, or what his daddy thinks of me. I have chronic foot pain and was placed on hydrocodone years ago. I take 2-3 tablets a day. It does not hinder me in any way. I do believe I am addicted to them but do not obtain them illegally. He like to tell our son that I am a drug addict. He does crazy things like hide my night gowns and bras. He one time moved my dresser and personal effects out of our bedroom and put them in our daughter's room....right in the middle of the room, thrown and scattered in the floor. I am reluctant to let the children have spend the night company. 

I recently lost my job of 13 years and was devastated. I worked in the healthcare field and loved my job. It was almost like a death to me. I feel "stuck" in this sad, depressed home. So do our children, I am starting to see depression in our son. I really need some advice as of what to do. I live next door to my dad and step-mom but they do not have enough room for us to live there nor the funds to help me leave. I am looking for employment and it is hard to find a job in our area. I am so tired of this daily battle and it worries me sick that our children have to live in this. 

Just a little background info: my husband's parents and siblings were all alcoholics and my husband is probably the most stable of his family (that's scary)...most of them have passed away. He used to drink with his Mother and I hated the way he treated her....even though she thought it was ok, ex. telling dirty jokes, calling her names, etc. I should have known after all these years he would not treat me any better. He is obnoxious and has lost several friends because of the way he acts when drunk. Any advice welcome....thanks


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried connecting with any of the support groups for spouses of alcoholics? 

You're right his drinking is much beyond social. His liver must be in terrible shape too.

You might also consider posting this over in the Relationships and Addiction section.


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## kindle11 (Dec 26, 2011)

Shaggy,

I thought after his physical that his lab work would show elevated liver enzymes but it did not. Alcoholism has affected my life in so many areas. My Mother died from liver disease, my sister is following in her footsteps, my Father is a recovered alcoholic and my husband's side of the family had a long line of the same thing. I do think I may try an Al Anon meeting soon. I think it is time to get out (of course I need to find a job first). How do move my thread as you suggested. Thanks for your response.

Kindle


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

You should cut him off sexually, for starters. Also if he values his career I think it is fair game to let his boss know about his behaviour at home. He will be pissed and it could negatively affect his (and your) income but it may be the shock/pressure he needs.


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## kindle11 (Dec 26, 2011)

I recently loss my job so I certainly don't think we could withstand his loss of income. His boss owns the company he works for and they are friends anyway. I have reached the point that I am looking for ways to get out. He will not leave and I guess that will be up to me. I am looking for posts from women who have been in similar situations and what they did to make a better life for their children and themselves. I have tried everything under the sun to get his attention. Only God can change him....it took me a long time to realize that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I've said this many times, but I will say it again: alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer. Anyone in its path will be dragged under. First, it is hurting your children. I know many ACOA's (adult children of alcoholics) from my years in Al-Anon. The damage caused to kids who grow up in an alcoholic home is terrible.

Holidays with an A are the pits. I don't know what it is that triggers them, but I've had a front row seat to some over-the-top dramatic performances that left me dreading the holiday season.

As far as placing blame on everyone else for everything from Original Sin to the current economy, you can count on the A to do this. If your husband took responsibility, he would have to face his drinking, and I assure you he protects that. It also comes before anything else.

Suggestion: give Al-Anon a try. The only request made to newcomers is they try six meetings to see if it's a fit. If not, that's fine too. The only way I could detach - and survive - the effects of alcoholism on my life was to have a strong support group who understood exactly what I was going through. I found having a home group and a sponsor was a lifeline for me when things got really bad.

Focus your energy on getting another job. Yes, it is difficult in this economy, but it can be done. I'm sending a PM your way for a discussion forum that deals exclusively with people in your situation. 

Once you get back to work, and I pray you do, please consider getting out of this relationship. I'm not advocating divorce, but at least living separate will alleviate some of the effects this is having on your kids. 

The last Christmas I spent with my AH ("alcoholic husband) was 2008. It was so crazy, that I vowed I would never spend another one like it. Last night, I had a wonderful dinner with my gf and her entire family. It was a joy to be around people who could have one drink and leave it at that. No drama. No slamming doors. Nobody passing out, face down, in their dinnerplate. Yeah, Christmas is a bit lonely at times. But it is SANE.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I know you wont like what I am saying.
You seem to realise you dont have any choice. You just cant get out of the marriage, and you cant change your husband.
So you have to accept how he is, and do your best to live with him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I know you wont like what I am saying.
You seem to realise you dont have any choice. You just cant get out of the marriage, and you cant change your husband.
So you have to accept how he is, and do your best to live with him. *

Ridiculous. No, you don't not have to accept anything. 

I lived a life similar to yours. 23 years... acquaintances thought I was a single mom (of 5). You withdraw, which you've done... you plan and work on a way to get OUT... which you are doing. I went to marriage counseling without him... the counselor gave me excellent advise. She pretty much said... either you stay and figure out how to live with it, or you find a way to leave the marriage. She suggested I give myself a time line and have a goal either way. That worked for me. 

Make a plan. Get a support group. Focus on your future and your kids. Don't fight with H.... it makes no sense to fight with drunks. Don't take things personally, because it's all based on their drunkenness anyway... 

You can do this! Figure out a few plans.... get your goals in order, and start the new year with the idea to make life better for yourself and your kids.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

kindle11 said:


> I recently loss my job so I certainly don't think we could withstand his loss of income. His boss owns the company he works for and they are friends anyway. I have reached the point that I am looking for ways to get out. He will not leave and I guess that will be up to me. I am looking for posts from women who have been in similar situations and what they did to make a better life for their children and themselves. I have tried everything under the sun to get his attention. Only God can change him....it took me a long time to realize that.


Sounds like you are not willing to risk losing the resources you have to effect change. Good luck.


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## kindle11 (Dec 26, 2011)

It is not a matter of not wanting to lose resources. His income is my only resource currently. I can't just pack up and walk out with no where to go. I think I will stick with advice that is realistic. Thanks for offering your help though.


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## kindle11 (Dec 26, 2011)

You know what you are talking about and you did understand me.....I have to leave. It will take a while and God knows a ton of patience on my part.


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## kindle11 (Dec 26, 2011)

I am closing this thread and moving over to a web-site someone suggested. I think I will get more support and advise related specifically to my problem. I appreciate everyone's posts. God Bless.


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