# Separated - 4th time now



## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Hey everybody.. first timer here. This is a great board with tons of useful info and great insight. 

I'll give the shortened version of my story. While unique, it's similar to many others I have read. 

We have been together 13 years, married for 10. She has one child when I met her, this child was not even 1 year old so she sees me as Dad, although she does have visits with the BF. We have 2 children together - 9yrs and 7yrs old. My wife and I have had a troubled marriage for some time (years). By troubled, I mean lack of affection and loving gestures, mainly on my part. About a month ago, we had a blowout argument and she told me to leave, which I did. This is our 3rd or 4th separation - hard to keep count. 
About 1 1/2 years ago she filed for divorce. After promises were made to change, I convinced her to throw out the divorce and work on the marriage. Things were ok for a few months, then I fell right back into old patterns and habits. 
She has told me she only has love for me as the father of the children, not as a husband... that she doesnt want to be with me.. that nothing I say or do can change that... and Im having a really really hard time accepting this. She has said this each time we have been separated. I have begged and pleaded with her to give me another chance. I know- I have read that I shouldn't beg- just makes me look week. I just can't help it.
I'm in the process of finding a counselor, but that could still be a couple weeks out.
So that is the shortened version, of course there is so much more to it, I can give more detail if anyone cares to know them. I am staying at my mothers house now - about 30 minutes from the house and kids.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Chris,

4 seperations in 10 years is a clear sign to me that your relationship is fundamentally flawed.

It sounds like you are shouldering all the responsibility for a majority of the issues in the marriage and if that's right and you are responsible, that is good

Get some serious individual counseling as fast as possible and make yourself a better person for whatever the future brings

Good luck


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

"It sounds like you are shouldering all the responsibility for a majority of the issues in the marriage"


No pretty much the oposite - she has been trying to get me to see the light for years, and for whatever reasons I ignored it - until now.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Get back in your house ASAP! Tell her you are not ok being away from your children. Leaving the kids sets a ugly precedent. Suggest marriage counseling to her and follow thru with it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly are the old patterns, and what are you doing to show her you've changed? Your best bet to recovering is to demonstrate that you're serious about addressing your issues for your own sake and that you're committed to that regardless of where your marriage goes. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

I wish I could get back into the house... she won't allow it. She threatened to call the police when we had our argument. She also refuses MC - we did MC a few years back so she says it doesnt work. I am going to start MC/IC myself and invite her in after a few sessions. Good idea?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She doesn't get a choice unless she gets a court order, in most cases. It's your house too, no matter who's name is on the lease/mortgage. Talk to a lawyer. 
Of course, antagonizing her might not be the best bet, if you're in the wrong. And if you went through MC before and then went right back to your "old patterns", no wonder she doesn't see value. Your plan of showing her you're working on your stuff is a good one, though. Probably your best one.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Brother Chris - what do you mean by Lack of affection and love gestures on your part?

Could you please elaborate?

Zappy


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'd say the best you can do is take care of yourself. If you have any chance of saving your marriage, you will need to make some changes. In these situations actions will count way more than words. Demonstrate you really want to change. Although since this is your fourth separation the question must be asked, do you really REALLY want to make lasting changes and work on yourself? Why didn't you do so before? What happened? You need to address why it didnt work before and why you're in this position again. What is your part in this and what is hers? You cannot change her, you can only change yourself. Keep posting on here and read other posts too, there are a lot of people on here with wise advice. Best of luck! xo


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

PBear said:


> Of course, antagonizing her might not be the best bet
> 
> I certainly don't want to push her towards getting any kind of lawyer or going into court.... last thing in the world I want to do!


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Brother Chris - what do you mean by Lack of affection and love gestures on your part?
> 
> Could you please elaborate?
> 
> Zappy


Well... not much touching, not much sex - maybe once a month- not many I love yous, ignoring her while she talked about the marriage and our problems. I know I was very wrong and behaved poorly - like she has said, almost like having another child.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Chopsy said:


> I'd say the best you can do is take care of yourself. If you have any chance of saving your marriage, you will need to make some changes. In these situations actions will count way more than words. Demonstrate you really want to change. Although since this is your fourth separation the question must be asked, do you really REALLY want to make lasting changes and work on yourself? Why didn't you do so before? What happened? You need to address why it didnt work before and why you're in this position again. What is your part in this and what is hers? You cannot change her, you can only change yourself. Keep posting on here and read other posts too, there are a lot of people on here with wise advice. Best of luck! xo



I truly do want to change. How do I show that to her after all these fails? It hasnt worked in the past because I just ignored it and took the marriage for granted. Anything I say is just an 'empty promise' - so the actions are going to be all that I have.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Chris - do you think it could be Sex part in your married life that she was hiding and sucking in and wanted to get out to find some one else?
Were you ever attaracted to her?

Zappy


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

zappy88200 said:


> Chris - do you think it could be Sex part in your married life that she was hiding and sucking in and wanted to get out to find some one else?
> Were you ever attaracted to her?
> 
> Zappy



No, she never wanted to get with someone else. The no sex thing was just another problem we stacked on top of our other problems. Sure, i was attracted to her, and now of course more than ever. I'm wondering if I should do the 180 or if that will just push her away further. She emailed me today and told me she is packing up my stuff and wanted to know if I was going to take both TV's. Should I respond?


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

Chris....I understand how you feel that the 180 will push her away, but the 180 is for you, not her. You need to find yourself, and right your wrongs, before you should worry about getting her back. If you just worry about her, you will fall back into the way it was, and this will happen all over again.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Good advice Lost. Chris, you need to focus on the 180, I feel you're in panic mode, trying to get her back. It won't work. The 180 seems counter intuitive but it's going to help you heal and become whole again. And you need to be whole in yourself before you can even think of being in a relationship. You can't control what your wife will do or think, you can only control you.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Yes, panic mode- I would agree. Another long night - almost broke down- wanted to call her.. but I didnt. Even with the 'There is nothing you can say to change this' line, and that when i call and talk with her, she isn't going to just suddenly change her mind but I feel compelled to do it anyway. Like it's cumulative or something. Begging and promising has worked in the past... but I can see losts' point- If I don't change something about myself it would just most likely happen again.


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## Eagles_Fly (Jan 20, 2013)

Chris, can you tell me why you're so keen to hang on to your wife now but didn't take action to do so in the past?
The reason I'm asking is that I've known my husband for almost 27 years and all that time I begged him to not do this or to do that in order to save our marriage. I warned him over and over that he was burning bridges -- all to no avail. Last March I told him I'm done and want a separation. Suddenly, he's on his best behavior and except for a few minor slip ups he's kept up the good behavior. He wants to save our marriage; but it's DEAD. There is no hope to revive it. I'm perplexed as to why someone would be a total frickin' jerk year in and year out and then when the door closes they "change." I really don't get it and I think it's really tragic.


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## marriageinformation.org (Jan 20, 2013)

It's hard to have the other person say they no longer want to be with you but if you want to make the marriage work you have to have good communication. If you are going to make it work it will take both of you working toward the same goal.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Any luck finding a counsellor yet?


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Still don't have a counselor yet, trying to get it started through my insurance. Things have taken a turn for the better - she invited me to lunch, and had a long talk about us and the marriage - in the end agreeing to table the D for now but to still live separately... this was more her decision than mine but I wasn't going to push it- I was happy to get her out of the 'this marriage is impossible' mindset. A huge relief actually.
She has gone from 'i dont want to be with you, not now or ever' to 'let's live separately for now and see if you can get your sh*t together'
Im looking at an apartment that is less than a mile from the house. Currently Im about 30 minutes away at my moms house. I'm at the house all the time visiting, helping with the kids.
So it looks like I have the 'nother chance I was wanting... it's now up to me to see what I do with it.
Hopefully everything will turn out OK


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Err,excuse me Chris but could you stop stealing my story? 

Seriously so much sounds the same, I am right with you. We have never separated before but other than that.

180 would NOT be to get her back. It would be to let you heal and move on. For me, I am ignoring the 180 in a lot of ways and going with what feels right. This is because there has been no cheating in my story but I was emotionally unavailable and distant due to depression for a long time. I stopped showing I loved her and don't believe 180 would do anything but validate her decision to separate. Instead I embrace the personal improvement side but have expressly told her I want to be there for her for anything she needs.

I have gone all out on my personal issues (for me this includes medication counselling and so much more). We too have 3 children and although I have moved out, I spend as much time here with the kids as if I still lived here. When they go to bed, generally I scoot off to my rental.

I have been working hard on myself and like you have been rewarded with a change in relations. She was adamant she was done. Very much never ever getting back together (oh how I despise Taylor Swift..). A couple weeks ago, there was a breakthrough where she insists we are not back together but she is open to working on our problems and seeing where it leads. I may have done a little happydance..

As for advice? Hmm it's hard as I tend to listen to it from others then do whatever I decide to anyway..

If you have made crystal clear your stance on what you want and have made clear that you see the issues that you personally need to fix then great. From here it's about showing those changes and not words. Have to admit to struggling with this myself but if I have any pleading or begging to do.. I come here and do it instead of to her. It helps to get it out of your system.

We need to find happiness in ourselves before we can hope for happiness in our marriage.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Wow KC, your story does sound very similar to mine. Glad to hear that you are making progress as well! Did you go through the begging and pleading and promising stage? I sure did- I've seen countless times the first rule is to never do that - but I dunno, it seems that it may have worked- to an extent.. maybe was a contributing factor- but impossible to tell.
I hear ya on the hearing advice and doing what you want anyway- but that is what advice is for, take what you want and leave the rest.
I did the 180 for a few days - the parts about actually limiting contact, and that's what may have earned me the phone call and the lunch invitation.
Are you intimate with her in any way? I am scared to try, but I really really want to. Im just afraid of the rejection and taking a step backwords. It's a tight-rope man


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

My next big idea is to invite her to dinner - suprise her and take her to the fancy, dress up place that we went to on our 1st wedding anniversary - a little out of our character, but it was fun


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

I dont think the 180 would be appropriate or productive in your situation. You admit you have neglected her throughout the marriage. Withholding attention and affection now would reinforce her thinking you have not changed and it will not work.

You have begged, pleaded and promised change before and then went back to your old ways. She is giving you yet another chance. Its time to prove yourself and build her trust in you. Work on yourself, figure out why you havent been able to follow through. Take this time apart to do that. Dont rush back into the home. Start over, court her. Rebuild your marriage so that when you do go back a new foundation with new behavior patterns are already set. Encourage her to seek counseling too.

Dont beg or plead. Stay strong and show her the man you can be.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

My friend, I could have wrote the book on begging and pleading..

I think for us it may have worked as we were so emotionally shut away and just showing we had real feeling made a mark? I actually think when she decided on separation she thought I would be happy for the escape route!

I say worked.. as I am not sure I could have made the little progress I have without putting it all there for her to see. the problem is, having done that, continuing it will push her away. I have to bite my tongue so often it's maddening.

I have big plans for valentines day (well the 16th) but other than that it's being left in her hands as to how/when/if we move things forward. I am living in hope with a very real chance of being crushed but right now, that is fine by me and hopefully if I do get crushed the 'work on me' stuff will mean I am in a better place to deal with that.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks curious, it's good to have affirmation that what I'm doing actually makes sense to another person!

KC - when she invited me to lunch I was instantly elated - but I have learned enough that I knew to put those feelings to rest quickly - didnt want to get my hopes up - but turned out ok.. I realized on the way home from the lunch that the old guy short-changed me $10 bux - but I could have cared less at that point!!


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

K.C. said:


> My friend, I could have wrote the book on begging and pleading..
> 
> 
> K.C. said:
> ...


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just remember, it may have helped get a breakthrough but it really isn't attractive to women. We have to keep it under wraps now. I make sure to listen and be attentive, I take an interest in her day like I should have all along.

I do though try to stay away from 'us' talk and any sort of raking over the same old ground. Got to look forward not back now.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

I agree. I'm a smoker and I've been saying I'm going to quit for years now.... I made the terrible mistake of having a smoke about 5 minutes before she got home... she wasn't happy. Have to keep her happy
Yes, I've tabled my pleadings- they had their time and place. I keep the 'us' talk to FB messages and emails for now- sometimes a little when we tend to IM on the computer at night


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

K.C. said:


> My friend, I could have wrote the book on begging and pleading..
> 
> I think for us it may have worked as we were so emotionally shut away and just showing we had real feeling made a mark? I actually think when she decided on separation she thought I would be happy for the escape route!
> 
> ...


Dont leave it all in her hands. Dont be pushy but take the lead, be assertive. If she says no to something, fine, dont make a big deal out of it..


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

K.C. said:


> My friend, I could have wrote the book on begging and pleading..
> 
> I think for us it may have worked as we were so emotionally shut away and just showing we had real feeling made a mark? I actually think when she decided on separation she thought I would be happy for the escape route!
> 
> ...


Hey KC - just read the opening posts in your thread, and ya, I can relate. Good luck with the valentines day gig - let us know how it goes. I have planned- a simple card, a simple (but powerful?) message, and a simple hand-made gift that has lots sentimental value from years ago. All in all - about $6.00 - showing her I care - priceless (lol)


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Indeed. What I have planned for the 16th has cost a fair bit but I know she will love it. Instead of a meal while out I am hoping to get her out somewhere in the day so I can scratch cook a nice meal for before we go out. 

To balance it out for Valentines itself I am only giving her a hand made card with something I have yet to write inside. Probably no gift as I think that may be taken wrong? Maybe just a single Rose as I always found an excuse to not buy flowers in the past (hayfever and other such lame excuses pfft).

Consistent theme in my thread is a need to talk/beg/plead/push things on lol and trying to resist.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

I finally have an appt. with a counselor, but it's not till Feb 25... I don;t know why they are booked up, seems like a very long time from now.
So I looked at a place last week, and looking at a couple places on Monday. I thought I was doing ok with everything and the idea of getting my own place. It kind of hit me today that getting my own place seems like a much more FINAL thing to cement our separation then anything we have done before. 
I;m slept at the house last night - she asked me to come over and help with the kids because she is tired- she said I could sleep in one of the kids' room. Also staying tonight too.. I;m putting together a family super bowl party. She is taking the oldest to a vollyball tournament - that is like an all day affair, but the will be back just in time for super bowl.
I think tonight I might try to make some kind of move. I would like to have some kind of acknowledgment that she really is open to making the marriage work. I've been wanting to make a move the last couple of times I've seen her, but it didn't seem like it was the right time yet.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Chris from IL said:


> Are you intimate with her in any way? I am scared to try, but I really really want to. Im just afraid of the rejection and taking a step backwords. It's a tight-rope man



Don't try. You'll know when she wants to be intimate.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Chris from IL said:


> I think tonight I might try to make some kind of move. I would like to have some kind of acknowledgment that she really is open to making the marriage work. I've been wanting to make a move the last couple of times I've seen her, but it didn't seem like it was the right time yet.



Don't make any moves. Have a good time. Show her the new and improved you. Watch her from above. The ball is clearly in her court. You just need to present yourself as someone she would want to be with.

Respond to her actions. She needs to let you back in. Do not try to work or talk your way back in. That will just push her away. Take it slow and observe.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks GP, good advice - and of course that is what I SHOULD do... but should I get her alone in a room tonight...... I'm not looking for sex here, just something...ANYTHING!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Chris, listen to the guys. Seriously, I am desperate for so much as holding hands but it has to be on her terms and in her time. 

If you 'make a move' when she isn't ready you will set back any progress you have made.

Be attentive and interested by all means. Be totally engaged in whatever is going on, the occasional compliment etc. All that stuff is fine but you risk her thinking any improvements you've made are just an act if you rush in.

If she knows where you stand and that you are working on you, there isn't anything else you can do that isn't retreading old ground. Time to start walking the walk as well as talking the talk.

It will be hard. A week feels like eternity to me atm but to her, well it's a week.. go at her pace.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

I hear ya KC... I just have a feeling.. that today's the day!! I would be happy with a hug!!


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Been there a couple times.. disappointed heh.

Disappointed is better than 'crushed' from rejection though.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Ugh... hasnt started off well. She got home, i gave her a smile and a hello... she went into thr bedroom to check her computer stuff... i went in there and asked how it went (the vball tourney) - and she kind of snapped at me.. she said 'they lost all 8, what do u want me to say? Give me 5 minutes' ... geez.. what did i do? So now im making the food, shes out in the living room... she did ask me if i had fun outside with the kids- we built a snow fort. I hope the vibes grt better - and real quick!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

What has happened there wouldn't seem a big deal if you weren't so wired for signs from her.

Even if you think making the next move yourself is called for... sounds like this isn't the time.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Well... right now she is reading a bedtime story to the kids... after dinner we settled in to watch the game (Ravens are blowing it) - with have a mini couch and a long chair that is like a couch. One of the kids was on the couch, and she was on the chair... I was getting some pillows to lay on the floor, then she says- you can fit up here with me!!! Has been a really good night... contact with her has been good. Kids going to bed soon


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

My feeling turned out to be accurate! I hit a home run! But more importantly, before that, we had a nice honest talk about us the marriage... what we wanted to happen... I told her we spend these next 6 months connecting and at the end of the 6 months (signing a 6 month lease on a place) - we re-evaluate and see where we are.
She did say she didn't like me getting my own place because we might grow more distant... but she says she still can't live with me. So, told her I didn't really like it either but it is something we just have to do.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Great news, especially that the chat was before anything else. Also you did well. You let her invite you up next to her - meaning she initiated the contact! :smthumbup:

I really feel like me and Mrs.C could be in the same boat if she opens up to me. I need to be living alone for the fist time in my life and finish the 'growing up and straightening out' I have started but damn I crave affection while that happens. 

High hopes for valentines still and determined to leave it till then.

I think it is important to keep a laser focus on whatever issues and progress you had already determined you needed to look at. Don't slack off now there is a breakthrough. You still have to be the best you that you can.

Really am happy for you Chris! :smthumbup:


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks. I feel your pain- I was happy when our fingers touched when she handed me something. So the talk- there was a lot of 'I was really dumb' - 'I know my words mean nothing now' - She told me that I didn't have to change the core of who am I... but I am a major introvert and I don't really like that I don't really talk to anyone. Maybe the counselor can help me out with that some.
She asked why I did some of the things I did. IE: she would be standing in front of my crying, telling me that our marriage was falling apart-- and I literally just ignored her. I really looked inside myself and I can't come up with an answer other than I was just stupid. Maybe it had something to do with wanting to control the situation. I ended up asking her-- why would someone do that?? She didnt know either.
So ya, all we can do is keep our focus strong everyday. Stay in the game. KC- it sounds like you know what you are doing, have a good plan in place- doing all you can to save the marriage


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

I think if I asked I would have a 50/50 chance of her letting me move back home.... but then I was thinking that may not be the best decision for us. I want to do everything I can to make this work for the long haul. If I moved back in, I may lose focus on what I need to be doing. Any progress I have made n changing myself might get lost cuz they are not permanent yet. If I'm going somewhere else to sleep at night- it might help me remember what im supposed to be doing.

But what do I do if SHE brings it up? I guess tell her the same thing that I just wrote here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Only you can answer that I guess. I specifically said to Mrs.C that even if she decides she is willing to give us another chance I will not move back in as it would be too soon. 

See the thing is, I know what I need to work and I need to be sure I am doing those things for the right reasons. I am doing it for me and for my boys. I'd love her to reap the benefits of a new me but I cannot allow myself to be doing any of this for her. 

Sounds to me like you already have your answer but are worried how it would affect working on your relationship? Maybe you need to be apart form her to a degree. That may not be the best thing for your relationship but if you think it's the best thing for 'you'..

If she asks about moving back could you go part time maybe? Weekdays somewhere else and home for the weekend maybe? Something like that? 

Going back to the thread title, it is 4 separations, you guys need to be solid before recommitting I think or your just in for another ride of the roller-coaster.

Did your counselling start yet and is there potential for MC? You guys need to be careful that the issues are dealt with fully this time. That means any resentment or other issues she holds etc are dealt with too, not just your issues.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

I dont start counseling intil feb 25, and it's with a regular MC- i was going to go alone a couple of times by myself and then ask her if she wants to come. I guess they were all booked up- seems like such a long time from now.

So while I was looking at places today, I got a real uneasy feeling. There are pros and cons to anything I decide... just need to figure out what will benefit us the most. The part time thing might be doable, because we have done something like that before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just to let you know how we do it.

I rent a room with use of kitchen bathroom living room etc, so pretty much a house share. It is much cheaper than an apartment or flat. I stay there most of the time but come home first thing to help with the kids and am here after school till they go to bed. For the kids things have changed very little and I am glad we have achieved that. I usually stay over at 'home' friday and saturday night though.

If we can make a go of it I don't see us changing that arrangement too much tbh. We both need space to work on our issues independently as well as working us together I think.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Well, I did it. I turned in the apartment rental application and they called me two hours later to tell me I was accepted. I sign the papers and get the keys on Monday.
Took the wife and kids to dinner last night, then after dinner we talked alone for awhile and talked logistics. Later that night via Skype- she told me she doesn't want to build a physical relationship while everything else is lacking. Is it possible to keep sex separate? I hope so


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Well sex can be left to the side while you rebuild the rest in my opinion. I have said I am happy with a none sexual relationship for the time it takes us to rebuild the trust and affection etc.

I don't think it can be separate as in getting it elsewhere but put to the side, definitely. That said if you are a sexual person it is important at some point but I do think not rushing or pressuring the physical side is important. You don't want her thinking any changes and improvements are just to get sexual again.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

**update**

Well, I did it. I moved into a 1 bedroom apartment 1 mile from the house on Monday. First time ever that I've lived alone. Seems like it could get pretty lonely.

The wife and kids might come over tonight for a little house warming party-- well kids are coming for sure, not sure if she is yet. I put the invitation out there.

A few ups and downs with her the past few days. She sent me a text saying we should back off of each other, no physical contact. That same day I was fixing the internet and phone at the house (i'm still paying for internet at the house because we talk sometimes at night through skype) -- had a small conversation:
me: what made you change your mind?
her: what do you mean?
me: like 3 weeks ago, you were saying this was over, this marriage is impossible
her: (i cant remember exactly what she said, something like)- I have 13 years vested into you, I still love you, this is hard for me too.

When I left, I asked her if she could risk a hug, she said sure

So what made her mad, was some little stuff that i didnt do at the house when I was there IE: didnt let the dog out when i left, didnt bring a gallon of milk, didnt make dinner - she said those are 'bachelour' behaviors. -- but I did clean up all the messy cords in the bedroom, fixed the curtains in the bedroom like she asked....

a long road ahead!!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

And, you believe her?


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

believe her about what? She does want to work on the marriage-- we've had a few lengthy talks about it.. she doesnt want us to fall back into old patterns though... and with intamacy, she says I like to pretend everything is OK


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

No man ever looked more attractive to his wife by how well he pushed a vacuum.

Chris, you're way out there.

Read the links in this thread and give me your impressions.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Thanks, I can take a look at those later tonight. But.. I'm not sure what you are getting at here... create more distance between us?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Chris from IL said:


> Thanks, I can take a look at those later tonight. But.. I'm not sure what you are getting at here... create more distance between us?


Attract her - with your masculine mettle.

You did it when you were dating.

Do it again.


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## Eagles_Fly (Jan 20, 2013)

Just my POV for what it's worth...I could hug my husband. I could hang out with my husband. I can visually find my husband attractive. I can even admit to loving my husband. But our relationship as man and wife is over. I have absolutely no desire to live in the same house with him much less have sex with him. He's sorry for the 20+ years of verbal abuse and has been on his best behavior for almost a year. I forgive him. But he killed our marriage. Nothing he can do can fix it. Maybe that's not your situation; but I just wanted to put that out there in case you perceive a hug to mean something more than platonic affection.


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Eagles: Thanks for your insight. I have maybe 8 years of emotional abuse on her. I tend to over analyze everything-- I am thrilled on any physical contact. She is not seeking divorce at the moment, and may be interested in R down the road if I get my sh*t together. So I am hopeful, a chance at redemption.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

How is it going Chris?


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## Chris from IL (Jan 15, 2013)

Hey KC- I just brushed up on reading your thread. Last time I checked in was right after V-day. Sounds like things are going well for you, as in the working on 'you' thing. When she said she is open to 'working on trying' (cant remember the wording)- I bet that made you feel good? 

As for me, Ive been getting accustomed to living alone, that is when I am here alone.. as you, I spend a lot of time at the family home. As for the R- we have been getting along much better. We have been intimate but she says the sex is just because we are comfortable with each other and are attracted to each other.... but Im fairly sure it means more to her than that because I used almost the same words to her when we began to be intimate again after she filed for D, and she said sex is much more than that

Anyway, it seems that I have gotten what I wanted and have another 'chance' at this. But I also realize this is a danger period for me-- seems I am a master of saying the right things to get myself back in her good graces and get my foot back in the door.

So I need to really focus now -- need to make changes in myself become permanent....


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