# my interracial marriage is killing me...



## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

I am an american girl and I have been married to a pakistani guy for just over a year. We have been together almost 3 years. But the circumstances of our marriage are complicated at best. My hubs is a hindu pakistani but still a pakistani... His parents are old school brown people... He's supposed to go to medical school and marry some subserviant idiot who follows him around on her leash. Well, instead he fell in love with me. For the first year and a half of our relationship everything was pretty good. But everything changed after he took a short trip to chicago and he left his laptop with me. Totally his call. I had been really happy in our relationship, but the curiosity just ate at me... So what did I do, ladies? We've all been there... I checked his history. I was expecting to find a little harmless porn here and there... I was not expecting to find his ENGAGEMENT photos!! 3 months prior to the chicago trip he had been back to pakistan to get engaged to his arranged wife-to-be. Obviously I said I was done. How could you stay with someone who could do that to you. Then he asked me to marry him. Well, ****. So my heart won over my mind and here I am. A year into marriage and still confused. We agreed he would tell his family after our second wedding anniversary. His plan was to tell his siblings about our marriage first and together they would all tell his parents. Well, we're a year deep already and I'm still a mystery. Everyday I get more and more convinced that day will come and he will break this ultimate promise to me. So now when we argue I keep thinking "well, we're probably gonna break up because of that anyway. So why do I put up with this bull**** again?" 

but that's crazy right? I'm planning my divorce a year before he even has the opportunity to prove me right or wrong. 

my marriage story is pretty crazy... I should write a book or something, haha.

anyway, coping tips and advice welcome!

thanks for reading!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, to be honest...

IR relationships are very difficult, personally I wouldn't recommend them if there are other choices around closer to home. I'm a bit of a hypocrite however, as I'm in one anyway, but it was difficult to marry into my own race when there are almost no women of my race here in Australia, so I've been forced to screw every race but my own so to speak.

The issues lie solely in culture, even though Australian-born though I'm far from assimilated, either then language, as I think and see things differently. My wife and I are indeed IR, on the surface I'm "Asian" and she's "White", but beneath the surface we're actually both "mutts", behind us are four cultures who are... unfortunately, all in conflict with each other. Swedes traditionally hate Rus, Mongols traditionally hate Han Chinese, etc etc. Now we have a beautiful healthy daughter who's a "Super-Mutt" hehe!

Then there's the fifth culture, Anglo-Australian culture, and where we live it's still ******* zone too, causing all sorts of problems to this day. It takes a lot of understanding, compromise, cultural relativism, strength, and love to keep a inter-racial relationship going. I honestly wouldn't have bothered with my wife unless she has the same amount of strength as I, and she does (unfortunately her strength isn't always beneficial - adds to her stubbornness, pride, and headstrong demanding ways)

In IR relationships sometimes you *WILL* have to disappoint family, to break traditions, to abandon cultural norms and embrace the fact that we all bleed red. It seems your husband isn't ready for this, but doesn't mean he can't learn. You will have to be strong about it, don't let him sit on the fence. He has to make a choice, no way around it. 

My wife and I both made ours, me, I hated both her races, I couldn't get over the fact that I fell in love with a mixed Viking/Kungfu-fighting woman, and my people are dying (low population), they saw me as betraying my race. My wife also betrayed not only her races by marrying a "barbarian" but the fundamentalist values of her religion, by marrying a "pagan". In the end I guess the last ingredient we've learnt that works for IR couples from our experience is a sense of self-identity and individualism, which is imperative when it comes to conflicting cultures. "I'm not *this*, I'm not *that*, I'm ME!" - missus said that to me once.

You're merely scratching the surface of what may come after. And keep in mind too, as from what I've witnessed from Asian communities, western women are not considered good for long term relationships. Friends and family discourage it, they claim western women are 'loose' 'disloyal' 'non-cultured' and not 'good wives'. Some Asians don't mind casual relationships with western women (Such as Indians/Pakistanis), others see them as "white trophies" sadly, yet most Asians aren't even sexually attracted to Western women.

I'm sorry to drag on, but I'm a bible of IR-relationships lol
I just hope I can give you some insight into all of this...

As I said, he has to make a choice.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

This is as much an inter-cultural marriage as it is inter-racial. This is probably something you didn't think through, my opinion. Understand that Middle and Far Eastern cultures are completely alien to most of us. We think you grow up, you live your own life. You tell your family you're going to do what you want to do. That's because that is essentially the way we live. They do not. You have everything from an ingrained sense of honor, deep religious conviction, and a sense of family responsibility that goes binds the family. These are not bad things in and of themselves but trying to get a Pakistani to buck those things and tell them about you is really a lot like having a boyfriend who's married.


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## grendelsmom (Aug 1, 2011)

I don't think you should put up with it at all. Tell him he can reveal his marriage to his family now, or you will do it for him. It's completely ridiculous to have a secret marriage, no matter what. You deserve more respect than that. It's like he's treating you as a mistress when actually you're his wife.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

On the next holiday, in-law birthday or other event, send a card with a photo of your wedding rings, marriage ceremony or other 'annoucement' type of picture.

Invite them over for dinner to your place, and have said photos all around...

Did your vows including foresaking all others and cleaving to your spouse? There's no reason to be the hidden wife.


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