# always slipping into denial



## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

We broke up about 6 weeks ago I think and this forum helped me tremendously. The ex is still living here as we are both planning on moving overseas soon (diff. places). During these 6 weeks, we cooked for each other, we started talking and he even bought me gifts, and so I slipped into a state of denial.

Yesterday he told me he thought he should move out and I broke down. It hurt so much  I poured my heart out and the reality set in. 

I would come to this site sometimes but I avoided my original thread because it frightened me (I thank everyone who replied, there were some really lovely posts). I should go back and read.

I'm back into reality again and all torn up. I love my ex with all my heart. He was truly unique. He was always what I had dreamed of. I still want to be with him and to have his children. I still want everything. I feel that people may minimize my love for him and I want to defend it. People say that time is a great healer but I believe it's because you forget things. Well, I don't want to forget him. I just feel so crappy 

To everyone who feels alone, I hope you receive some comfort. I wish I had more to give but I don't, divorces are painful.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Confused - yes I know the feeling of things being "normal" and the denial and hope setting in and then "Bam!" the STBX lets you know of their next action in the leaving process. How soon are you looking to move?


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Have no idea. I'm going to tell my family and the rest of my friends about the divorce. 6 weeks is a long time to hide something like that, should help with the "reality" of things that's for sure.

Ex still wants to hide it from his parents because that will benefit him...mother in-law has ADHD so it will all be about her and not sure if I can deal with that.

I'm at a loss. Found a photo of a stunning (truly) gorgeous woman on his computer while trying to export my photo's while he was there, with his explicit permission.

He met her overseas and came back and started telling me he had been miserable. Breaks my heart. Can't describe it. Liar. I want better love than that.

The grass isn't always on the other side, it's green where you water it.

Oh my.

I guess one day I won't care.

How you dealing with things Soca? How are the holidays going for you? Did you get to see your kids?


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

lol @ "Bam!".

It was "Bam!"alright. The sound of my heart hitting a windshield or something else dramatic like that.

I'm so emotional right now, ughhhh.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

I'd go ahead and tell your family and friends - 6 weeks is a long time to keep this inside. I was embarrassed and also thinking that we could repair this before anybody had to know and also by saying it out loud would make it real (which I didn't want). You will need the support of famiuly and friends moving forward. Also, do you have an IC (individual counselor) to speak with?

We haven't physically separated yet so we all spent Xmas together. Thanks for asking.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I remember now, I've been self-consumed lately, sorry.

I'm still here with him too. He's sad. We weren't getting along and I guess he thought that he could do better when he was away. 

Are you coping any better? Is it still hurting the same?

I feel horribly lonely and anxious. Just been out with MIL and had a fun time but now alone and all I want is to find him and talk. But what would be the point in that.

I really wish I had my family here, wish I could feel some love and belonging instead of this stark empty feeling.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I don't have a counsellor. For some reason I think I might resent the person. How can they help me if they haven't been in my situation? What if they're younger than me and are just spouting out info that they learnt through textbooks?

I can't think logically. The denial is like a drug pulling me into submission. 

I wish none of this had happened. Aren't you supposed to fix what's broken? Why throw away 8 years? Especially when you encourage your wife to leave her home, family, friends and school... I have to go back to square one. Face all the crap that I caused by marrying him in the first place. Crap I allowed to happen because of my dream of us.

I sound so lame, like a broken record. So many people are going through this.  I wish it would go away!!!!


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

The pain/disorientation does get better but ebbds and flows I just had my 90 day "anniversary" on 12/23. I have passed through the initial stage (mostly) into the anger phase and may be passing through that as well. I've seen the divorce process likened to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief (sadness, anger, denial, acceptance. etc) but not necessarily in a linear progression.

I still would encourage you to check out an IC just for an objective point of view. I've seen where others have had to visit more than one to find a good match. 

Yes I know the feeling of just wanting to turni back the clock or going "Poof!" and awakening to find it was just a horrible nightmare.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

The hardest part for me, was that I felt like it would have been so easy to fix things. Even if it was hard, still worth fixing. She claimed that she tried to fix it a while back, without me. Then I wanted to fix it while she didn't (in the end). Point is that we never worked together on each other. 

Working on myself in IC is about the only thing that brings me comfort. For some reason, telling a stranger that actually seems to care, feels better than telling the spouse, who doesn't care to hear it any more. 

I have also talked to my mom each night for the 1st month...just to not feel so alone.
I also waited about 6 weeks to tell anyone. Everyone already knew something was wrong with me, it was time for me to elaborate. It did make it more real, but looking back, I wish I would have said something sooner, to get through the process any faster.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

N8vee said:


> The hardest part for me, was that I felt like it would have been so easy to fix things. Even if it was hard, still worth fixing. She claimed that she tried to fix it a while back, without me. Then I wanted to fix it while she didn't (in the end). Point is that we never worked together on each other.
> 
> .


Exactly the same here. So frustrating. All the therapists, etc said these are very solvable issues but she wouldn't try at the end on this together. She said she tried 2-3 years ago to work on this but I was unaware or it didn't register.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

Exactly the same here. 
The only thing is I remember when she was in IC after we had our first child. She went for postpartum depression to an IC she saw as a teenager. I didn't know that she would later use that against me as "not wanting to work on 'us' back then". I never viewed her IC as an MC. If she would have brought it up in that light, then, I would have gladly went. 

So basically we ended up throwing it all away from a lack of communication....feels like such a waste of time, glad I at least got my kids out of the deal!


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

N8vee, thx. It would help to tell people  I haven't spoken to my mom in 4 or 5 years but have heard that she asks about me. I dread telling her the news.

I would like to talk to someone but in my ignorance, I thought that counsellors would be jaded to all this break-up talk. I never thought that any of them would actually care. I should try one, just because I have nothing to lose by doing so.

I don't want to tell anyone. I'm not ready. No one thinks anything is wrong with me because I can fake it, I kept my other relationships jovial and only really confided in my husband.

I shot myself in the foot.

Soca - someone wrote early on in your thread that fixing broken things was from an old time now past...it's so sad.

We also tried to fix things, but separately and unbeknownst to the other person at separate times, never together. We couldn't communicate properly and that breaks my heart. Our love counted for nothing, just a ton of lessons learned the hard way. It's bitter.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Same situation. 2 1/2 years ago we started looking at therapists for one of our kids' behavioral issues and she tells me at D-Day that she brought up at the time that it wouldn't be a bad idea for us to do counselling. I was so focused on making sure our one son wasn't a sociopath (I'm not exagerating here) that I backburnered that conversation and she never brought it up again. Until the end where she told me I had been unwilling to work on our relationship in the past and it was too late now.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

confused777 said:


> I would like to talk to someone but in my ignorance, I thought that counsellors would be jaded to all this break-up talk. I never thought that any of them would actually care. I should try one, just because I have nothing to lose by doing so.
> 
> I don't want to tell anyone. I'm not ready. No one thinks anything is wrong with me because I can fake it, I kept my other relationships jovial and only really confided in my husband.


Confused - my IC seems to care - I even brought in family photos so I could put faces to the names for her. I look forward to my sessions and have even referred her to the TAM website and discuss the advice/suggestions I receive here. 

If you are not ready to tell any friends/family I think that is fine but I do advise meeting with an IC that you are comfortable with to get these emotions/feelings into a perspective and maybe you can work together to devise a strategy to break the news especially as it seems like you may have some family issues as well.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

For me, most of what happens in my IC sessions, is just me talking. 

He keeps me on track with a sense of order.

It really helps put things in perspective.

They are also able to ask you the tough questions that you maybe haven't seen in an objective view. They also keep notes and can refer back to previous conversation, so that they can either call your bluff, or reassure that you are being truthful. 

I think its a good thing.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks.

There's nothing quite like the panic I feel first thing in the morning.

He went half way round the world in September or Oct to scout out a better life for "us". We gave away most of our belongings and sold our house, left my job to prep for this move. 

I didn't go for the visit because if all went well, I' be moving there in a few weeks anyway. He wanted me to go but it was expensive and a 30h flight. That turned him off.

He met her there. I don't believe anything happened but she was definitely a taste/ hope/ seed of a life he could have without me.

When he came home, I met him at the airport and my jaw dropped. He was beautiful but there was a coldness to him that left me dizzy. Things got better later but still, something had changed.

I feel rejected and sad. I am still full of regrets. We were getting along so fine these few weeks and I was doing relatively ok but now it's all fresh, like the first day but without the shock.

He was buying me things, he was talking to me, I know he still loves me. Last night I could hear quiet sobs from his room. But, it's done, it's complicated but it's a religious technicality and he still hopes for a future reconciliation but I'd have to marry someone new, and new husband would have to divorce me for genuine reasons.

Also, husband is a survivor. A nice guy but somewhat of an opportunist (imo - I could be wrong). So, why should I count on him when he may never take me back if he is successful and happy with someone new. 

I hate how my posts are so selfish. There's so many "I's". I'm sorry.

My sister knows about the split. She used to email me everyday, then every other and now ever 2 weeks (why??). She's busy but I need her. She told me that she wants to visit here....well, ok....at least she's honest about needing a break. I weigh her down with the deeply traumatic details...no wonder she's busy. This is why counselling would help.

I told her my in-laws were excited about her coming. The ex was ok so long as she didn't try to make us reconcile (cause we can't). She never replied. Now I feel guilty to break the news to the in-laws about the divorce because I want my sister to be able to come here but that would involve a lot of lying. She'd probably bring her two kids too, one is 9 and the other 11. I haven't seen or spoken to them in 8 years. They'll figure something is up.

I know it sounds stupid but I can't afford to move out for a month. I like my in-laws and this house is huge. I have no furniture for a new place. If she comes, I want her to come here. If I let her down, I'll hurt her and she's all that I have right now. I need to save my money for my new life.

Yes, a counsellor would help because I'm expecting the impossible in my life. I know a lot of what I write might seem childish or just plain stupid. I can't think objectively. I'm a pleaser, the youngest of five and I've never been alone like this before. I can function fine in life, but when I'm alone, I feel like a child.


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## N8vee (Nov 4, 2012)

I think that the 'I' comments are exactly what you need to be focusing on right now.

You need to look out for you.

You have a really good attitude, try and hang in there the best you can.

IC sounds like it will be of great service to you, check out a few to see which one fits you best  

Stay strong!


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

N8- thanks. Having a good attitude is positive but I'd better make it materialize into something tangible otherwise I am screwed.

I have a doctors appointment in a week so I'll ask her to refer me to someone.


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