# i feel like i have a son not a husband...



## v999 (Jan 8, 2012)

Hello all! I found this website by chance after i googled "what to do when my husband is without a job all the time?!" ..i do feel really angry and hopeless at the same time..desperate if you would say. I have been married for three months. I am twenty four and my husband is twenty seven. I have a good degree, a good job, and I am planing to do my masters degree soon. My husband doesnt have a degree or higher qualifications, but i dont mind that i do love him a lot! 
The problem is that he has always been on and off work all the time, he hasnt been working properly for months now and it is really damaging our relashionship!He is not even bothered to apply for jobs if i dont make him to.His lack of job, lack of money, lack of ambition is really getting too much .. And i dont even want to admit it because i want to be happy with him. Every spare time he has he is spending it either in the gym or playing xbox games.... i dont know what to do ..tryied so many things to encourage him, to make him want to do something better of his life.I am always trying to help him out with money, with ideas..with everything and its like I have a son not a husband.And he is the one who has to take care of me, right?!On top of that he wants me to get pregnant when he cant even provide for both of us.... help?!! I am running out of ideas...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I really don`t understand what your complaint is.

You knew the guy was slack when you married him yet you married him anyway and now all of a sudden you have a problem with it?

He is what he is and if he`s 27 by now and has done nothing with his life the chances of him being 57 and still having done nothing with his life are pretty damn good.

You knew what you were getting into but if I were you I`d get out and quickly.


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## v999 (Jan 8, 2012)

Sometimes I regret getting married often and sometimes think I made a terrible mistake..but i just dont want to give up so quickly. Isnt there some way to deal with this situation...?


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## lastradas (Oct 14, 2011)

v999 said:


> Sometimes I regret getting married often and sometimes think I made a terrible mistake..but i just dont want to give up so quickly. Isnt there some way to deal with this situation...?


I do agree, you made a terrible mistake. Just because you love somebody, doesn't mean you should be with that person, let alone marry them. Love is not a justification.
As long as *he* doesn't find anything wrong with this situation, there is no way to deal with it. It's possible that he'll eventually realize that this is an unacceptable situation but it's not likely to happen anytime soon, if ever. In his eyes, you will be (if you aren't already) the nagging wife and he will resent you for expecting him to take initiative. Likewise, you'll resent him for sitting on his ass all day (which you already are). My guess is that his parents (financially) support him or have at least until your marriage?
I concur with the previous poster: Get out of this. The sooner, the better!


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

You love him, but does he love you? I can't imagine a man who proclaims he loves a woman, but wants her to act like a man by supporting him. A woman does not support a man financially. I don't know, a real man, would work some hours. Even if he doesn't bring in the majority of the income, he brings in and contributes something to the household, not just to buying is video games. He'll change when he gets ready. Just be sure to be on birth control, do not get pregnant, or it will get worse. You think having a child will make him get a job, it may not. Just focus on what you can do, do not enable him but taking him out, paying for date nights for your two, paying for the travel, paying for the entertainment. If he wines about not be able to "do stuff," gently remind him that he needs to make an effort to financially support "doing stuff." Since he wants to do him then you do you and enjoy life. Does not mean you don't love him, just mean you won't be supporting his lifestyle. Again, do not get pregnant. 



v999 said:


> Hello all! I found this website by chance after i googled "what to do when my husband is without a job all the time?!" ..i do feel really angry and hopeless at the same time..desperate if you would say. I have been married for three months. I am twenty four and my husband is twenty seven. I have a good degree, a good job, and I am planing to do my masters degree soon. My husband doesnt have a degree or higher qualifications, but i dont mind that i do love him a lot!
> The problem is that he has always been on and off work all the time, he hasnt been working properly for months now and it is really damaging our relashionship!He is not even bothered to apply for jobs if i dont make him to.His lack of job, lack of money, lack of ambition is really getting too much .. And i dont even want to admit it because i want to be happy with him. Every spare time he has he is spending it either in the gym or playing xbox games.... i dont know what to do ..tryied so many things to encourage him, to make him want to do something better of his life.I am always trying to help him out with money, with ideas..with everything and its like I have a son not a husband.And he is the one who has to take care of me, right?!On top of that he wants me to get pregnant when he cant even provide for both of us.... help?!! I am running out of ideas...


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Stop helping him out financially! I understand jobs are tough to get these days but he will damn sure not find a job at the gym or playing video games. Give him an ultimatum: get a job or hit the road! Bad economy and high unemployment rates are NOT a reason for not having a job. He can cut grass, work at the night shift at Walmart, wash dishes at a restaurant. There ARE jobs it's just that most people believe they are too good to get their hands dirty.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Ultimatums work for some, but not all. I say try it, but if it doesn't work, don't be surprised. I've been there and really had to roll with the punches while he slacked off. I just adjusted what I did and waited for him to come around. He finally did when he decided he wanted more out of life and that I wasn't going to give it to him. 



FourtyPlus said:


> Stop helping him out financially! I understand jobs are tough to get these days but he will damn sure not find a job at the gym or playing video games. Give him an ultimatum: get a job or hit the road! Bad economy and high unemployment rates are NOT a reason for not having a job. He can cut grass, work at the night shift at Walmart, wash dishes at a restaurant. There ARE jobs it's just that most people believe they are too good to get their hands dirty.


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## Claude Veritas (Jan 29, 2012)

The Guy is plain Lethargic....Taking for Granted , everything, including Life, your Love and Facilities and Money...

What is needed is Awareness...

He needs to develop his interpersonal skills...while working in jobs...


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## MollyMcBudda (Jan 31, 2012)

I have a friend who's relationship sounds like this. He is the dreamer and she is the breadwinner.
How would he be as a Stay At Home Dad? Is that an option for you? Could you live with this option?
If he isn't into rearing a child, like my friend's husband, you get two choices: one, stay with him and be a martyr/live in frustration because you will always be the breadwinner or leave.
I think it is really that simple. So, I guess it is all about what you can tolerate?
I will end with this though: Don't be surprised if you leave him and he becomes less of a slag. Sometimes people change through trauma.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

My husband does not work and we had two kids together. I am definitely not the old-fashioned type who thinks a woman should stay home like June Cleaver while daddy goes off to work, but I do think both spouses should contribute to the support of the household. Since you two haven't been married too long and you don't have kids, I would sit him down and tell him point blank to get a job and keep it or you are gone. See if he loves you enough to do that for you. Ask yourself if you are OK with supporting him the rest of your life because that looks like where it is headed. If you're not, maybe it's time to go.


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## Jaxie (Feb 21, 2012)

I am in a very similar situation. My husband works, but at a low paying job. And he has for 6 years. No college, dropped out or got kicked out twice. I am the breadwinner and I HATE IT. I hate my job and have to work there to provide for us. I came to find out two months ago he is addicted to porn. Never knew. I am not okay with this and don't know what to do either. If I were stronger emotionally, I would leave. But I secluded myself by working constantly to provide for us. If he doesn't change soon, it will be over. Good luck.


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## Emly (Feb 22, 2012)

Hey..Welcome to this Forum!I think you should stop helping him Financially and let him manage all the financial matters related to him or you.I hope he will admit his responsibilities and hopefully he will try to fulfill them.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

You knew his behavior/characteristics/situation prior to marrying him... right? Three months is a short time to all of a sudden be feed up with his "lifestyle" inwhich you knew about before marraige. Take it easy! 

Also, you mentioned him not having a job or "lack of money"... can I ask your situation? Are financially secure because you never stated you have a financial problem, rather just he is an issue because of his lack of desire for working. Please claify.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Okay so he doesnot work does he help around the house?? Clean the kitchen, landury, cook dinner? If he is just sitting around doing nothing maybe it time to move out. Tell him you are leaving going to parent etc.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

my stbxh had this problem although not quite as bad. He was always in work but it was always lower paying than me and often quite sketchy. He input into the marriage in other ways but I started to resent the fact that he always spent far beyond his means because I'm a believer in 'what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine'

trouble is it meant that despite me earning over triple the national average we never had any money to spare and I never had money to buy things for myself. he always spent what he wanted and used to get annoyed when I tried to curb it

despite me being upset at the failure of our marriage I am really excited to be able to handle my money like an adult and not be constantly worrying about what he's spending - it's going to be utter bliss

he's getting £75k to get him out of the mortgage. I guarantee it will last two years maximum


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## mc75 (Jan 23, 2011)

I am in a similar situation ... married for 10 years though. At first supporting my wife thru college, then various careers she explored where she would go from exploring a career for a year (un[aid/low paid jobs) to deciding she wanted to make a go of it with her art, to deciding that was too tough, to trying another low paid job, part-time, with a year or more lost to depression as well. She's finally agreed to work full-time for near minimum wage, but is looking for a job and is picky about what she will accept. So, it may not get any better if he has already established a pattern of being a slacker. I have never even wanted her to work full-time, never insisted she work at boring office job, and would be supportive of her art career, we just need SOME money - now we are $6,000 in debt and no savings at age 35.

I say this to suggest a few things:

Have you sat down with a financial planner? Especially if you have plans for the future (not sure if you did - i.e. house, kids, traveling around Europe, whatever it might be - they need not be conventional). I know my wife has a very unrealistic picture of what it costs to live, what needs to be saved for, etc and only wants to do things at her own pace, when she wants to - ignoring that all the while I pay for most everything.

Have you both articulated your plans for the future - not just vague hopes, but real plans. Its fine to start with "dreams" but dreams only become reality when you have a plan (or are very lucky, or just go out and do things until it works). I.e. in 5 years or 7 years does he see himself still just working out and hanging out? Does he have an interest to pursue? 

Can you come to some agreement about what you will both bring to the marriage, financially, etc.? Is he OK with his contribution now?

One thing I have read is that it is important for couples to discuss financial matters before marriage - you are early enough in the marriage that it would seem you could do this now?

I know these days 27 is still young enough to not be grown up, is there an indication he actually has plans for the future that are compatible with your own? Its not necessary to have a "conventional" office job, but is there something he wants to do? Personal trainer, perhaps?

Finally, does he pay his own bills, or is he content to be financially dependent on you? Does he spend your money (or all his money) going out with friends, etc? Or is he willing to contribute to the relationship?


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

I can't believe your husband is suggesting you get pregnant. He's in la la land. He doesn't have a job, he spends his time working out at the gym and playing xbox and now he wants you to have a baby and believe me, you will end up taking care of the baby and it's not cheap. 

My sister was in same situation. She loved her husband, but he was a loser. Lazy, no ambition and spent his time playing xbox and refuse to get a job. When question, always had some excuses why he couldn't get a job etc. She did everything to encourage him, be there for him financially, emotionally etc. 

FINALLY, one day she woke up and realized that he's never going to change and filed for divorce and has moved on with her life. 

You guys have only married for 3 months, put your foot down, go see a MC and if he refuses go or get a job, divorce him and move on with your life. REAL man, a mature man ...will never put you in this situation, rather they will take pride in taking care of his family financially.


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## southernhippie (Apr 5, 2012)

I can relate to this a lot. I don't think all (maybe any?) is laziness as much as depression (he has a PDOC) and him just being generally broken by his bad childhood.


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## Gooch78 (Mar 19, 2012)

Most probably you will always make more money than him, he lacks ambition, nothing to do with qualifications, he is just not working hard to get where ever he wants 2. 
You need to be tougher with him, tell him its either you or the x-box. You really want him to move his ass, you'll need to move, get your own place, and tell him once he starts working and finds himself to come and get you. 
Your story is actually quite similiar to mine, I have qualifications, but I got lazy and depressed, was playing Playstation all the time, especially when the 2008 crashed, I lost all my money.
My wife kept nagging about moving my ass, it took her almost 2 years, but we lost alot of things during this time. I have recently started working and trying to get things going. Damage has been done but with time I beleive it could heal, its not a deep wound.


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