# My wonderful wife is plagued by a terrible illness



## Jasonsquires (Feb 27, 2014)

I'd like to start by saying I'm not here to complain about, demean, or bash my wife. In fact, if anything, I'd confess I'm not strong enough to effectively cope with her illness. 

My wife and I have been married for a little over six years. She is my deepest friend and most dedicated ally. I love her more than life and I would sacrifice anything and everything to see her happy. 

Shortly after we became married her illness came into full swing. She was hospitalized for some time and though she has physically recovered to some degree, the illness has certainly taken its toll. 

When I say we are best friends, I truly mean that. We are both full time writers and we are fortunate enough to spend nearly every waking moment together -- something I would not trade for the world. That being said, I believe I have been sacrificing so much of myself that I am quickly becoming useless to her. 

To be clear, I am not a peach. I struggle with depression, tend to drink too much, and am definitely prone to anger. Any woman able to put up with me is a gem. I have struggled to be their for my wife for many years at the expense of my own well being and I can feel myself wearing thin. My soul feels stretched. We haven't had sex for months. And when we do, I know she only does it to make me happy. The act itself causes her pain, both during and after. Sexual abuse in her past leaves her rather uninterested an anything intimate, including kissing and manual stimulation. 

We've broached the topic of my dissatisfaction both sexually and emotionally, but it typically leaves her feeling personally attacked and insulted -- which is completely understandable. 

The reality of the situation, as I see it, is one cannot care for another at the expense of one's self. While I know this cognitively, I have not practiced it in our relationship. I have sacrificed nearly every part of myself and am not even completely sure of who I am anymore. 

Her illness has exacerbated her anxiety and I feel as if I live in her world. From the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed, my actions must be curtailed to her nerds to keep her anxiety in check. 

We both have degrees in psychology and have healthy conflict resolution, for the most part. 

Though I am young and (in my own opinion) attractive, I have no friends outside of my wife. I simply don't have time. I cook, clean, drive, and perform nearly every necessary function to keep the relationship alive. 

If I'm honest, I'm here to seek solace in anonymity. I have no one to talk to and am not really sure there is any sort of solution to be had to my problem. 

I will not divorce her, I will not leave her. The only person you can change is yourself. So if anyone would like to offer their respectful advice, please offer it to me and how I can change to better suit myself and our relationship. 

Thank you for listening.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jason, if you're here to only vent, I suppose it doesn't matter that you don't tell us what this "terrible illness" is. If you would like some useful feedback, however, telling us would certainly clarify what it is you're having to deal with.


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## Jasonsquires (Feb 27, 2014)

Hi Uptown,

My wife was born with a mal-rotated stomach and had corrective surgery when she was 20-years-old. Her gastrointestinal issues make it difficult for her to absorb calories and she is very thin, and consequently very weak. 

She was hospitalized for an obstruction several years back and since then her condition and pain level have worsened. She is also plagued with diagnosed generalized anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, making day-to-day life challenging. 

We are generally very happy together, but I sometimes feel overburdened with responsibility. Perhaps one of the most difficult things for me is not having my feelings validated. When I do end up cracking and getting frustrated at some of her behaviors, the issue always gets flipped around to how it effects her. 

For instance, tonight she was perseverating on a speck that was on her food and she was worried she may have consumed some of it. To me it looked like nothing. She asked if I thought it was ok (a question I get asked multiple times a day regarding nearly everything) and I said yes. Then the barrage of questions started. Was it bacteria? Was it rotten? Was it mold? Will she be ok? Etc. 

After a few minutes of this I became frustrated and as soon as she detected that, she went into defensive mode and started telling me that it's hard living with a stomach disorder. 

I lost my temper and raised my voice and physically removed myself from the house so I wouldn't completely lose it. 

After calming down I tried broaching the topic once again, and once again was met with utter resistance. She refuses to take responsibility or to admit fault, leaving my apology the only means or reparation. 

I know it's hard to hear negative things about yourself and it's easy to get defensive. So perhaps guidance on how to better present the information would be useful. 

Thanks in advance.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jason, thanks so much for that detailed explanation of how her illnesses -- the stomach problem, OCD, and anxiety -- are impacting your life. I agree with you that your first objective must be to take care of yourself and your own needs. As you recognize, you won't be of any use to her if you fall into depression or build up a lot of resentment. It therefore is important to establish personal boundaries to protect yourself -- and enforce those boundaries. One area to start with the boundaries, I believe, is to carve out sufficient time to make some friends. Having an understanding buddy to talk to can be worth a lot.


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