# Staying for kids sake?



## IamMotherof3 (Apr 3, 2021)

Looking for some advice on separation/divorce.
I have been married for 17 years, and we have three boys, 11, 13 and 14. Kids adore their dad, and he is an excellent father. He has been involved in all their activities, and coaches whatever sport they play – soccer, hockey, baseball. Takes them swimming, skating, roller-blading, fishing, boating,… I just wish my husband would love me ½ as much, or would pay me a 1/3 of attention he pays to kids.
I came to realize that in our marriage he really wanted kids, and I became an afterthought, just a part of the package. Over the years I have thought of leaving him. We have been to family counselling twice, but it didn’t really work, and more and more I just feel like a fifth wheel.
We never had real conflict, not even real fights, I just feel that our marriage is like a punctured balloon, and most of the air is out. I feel lonely and often ignored.
Four years ago, while my husband was away on a job assignment, I moved out of a common bedroom, intent on initiating a divorce. But kids begged me not to, husband came back, we went on a vacation down South, and things settled down into the usual routine. We still sleep in different bedrooms, and our intimate life died out about 3 years ago.
A little more than a year ago I told my husband that I wanted out, and retained a lawyer who sent my husband a letter in which it was stated that I consider myself separated from him. But then the Covid happened, and we settled into a “groundhog day” routine, hosted friends, visited friends, took kids on hikes, bike rides, went on a one-week vacation to a cottage. I was hesitant to announce to our friends that I wanted out because all our friends come from my husband’s ethnic circle where divorce is frowned upon, and I was afraid that I would be shunned. 
Finally I decided to force the issue, and talked to a lawyer. The lawyer told me that I may not be able to prove that we separated a year ago when my husband received a letter from my first lawyer, because I did not tell anyone that I am considering leaving my husband, because we went on a few dates together to a restaurant, on a few dates to a spa, we eat meals together, watch TV together, go visit friends together, exercise together. I spend time with my husband for my own sake, because otherwise I would have noone else to even talk to. Kids prefer to do “boy stuff” with their father, and we can only do the things that I like with kids when my husband is not around. The lawyer says that I might have to file for a divorce and wait for one year from the filing, and gave me a list of things “to do and not to do” so that a case can be made that we are living “separate and apart”.
I am afraid, though, that while we deal with the divorce (which my husband still opposes), the kids, who I know do not want me to divorce my husband, will blame me for breaking up the family and will grow even more attached to their dad. By the time the divorce reaches a trial (and it seems it might go that way), I am afraid that I will run out of money, and, even if I get a divorce, kids, who would be 12, 14, and 15, will choose to live with their dad.
I am in this terrible place where I feel that I cannot stay in this marriage any longer, but I am horrified of loosing the kids. Is it worth staying in the marriage “for kids sake?”


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many women have asked that question since I’ve been here and then they disappear, never to be heard from again, so my guess is that they stayed. Whether they felt it was worth it long-term depends. My child thinks it was a huge mistake that I stayed.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

There is an awful lot you don’t say in this post like what exactly your husband has done to make you feel unloved or where you were during all the activities with your kids? When our kids were growing up (around the ages your kids are) a lot of our life together was raising them and doing the work necessary to support their upbringing. You say he wanted kids; did you want kids also? 

Your intimate life died out three years ago, was that you or him? There has to be a rationale behind giving up, as you’ve clearly given up, I don’t get the impression from your post that you have any stake left in your marriage, but I don’t have any real understanding of exactly why that is from your post either. Your husband doesn’t want a divorce, is great with your kids but you don’t feel he pays enough attention to you, then again, you moved to another bedroom and don’t seem to want any intimacy. IMO, without more information, this doesn’t really add up. 

Don't get me wrong, you may have great reasons for the conclusion you've come to, I just don't see what those are in your post.


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## IamMotherof3 (Apr 3, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> There is an awful lot you don’t say in this post like what exactly your husband has done to make you feel unloved or where you were during all the activities with your kids?


I thought my post was becoming too long as is...
I take part in activities that kids and husband choose - biking, hiking, camping. But when I propose something that's not "boy stuff" I get voted down. I think kids pick it up from their dad when he is not interested, and they can just out-vote me, and it becomes "their way, or highway".
Our intimate life was just getting more and more boring. I think my husband is simply not interested in sex anymore.
I feel that whenever I bring it up to him how lonely and ignored I feel, he "picks up the slack" for a bit, and takes me out for a dinner, or to a spa. But it feels to me that he is doing it out of "duty", or to keep me from actually filing for divorce. But after a while things settle back into their old self, kids hang out on their own or with their dad, and I feel alone and ignored again.
Our life is comfortable enough, we both work in government jobs, make about the same amount of money. Husband helps out with chores, takes care of house and cars. But financially a single life will be really difficult - I do not know if I can afford a house with rooms for each kid on my own, plus all the house maintenance and car maintenance that husband takes care of right now.
Do I trade a comfortable life in which I feel unloved for a chance of meeting someone who would really appreciate me?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

It sounds a lot like you need your own life, I don't say this to be cruel, but in order to be interesting, you need to do interesting things. 

If you, did you and did things that you enjoy, perhaps you would be better able to be interesting to your husband. 

My wife and I went through a period where we focused purely on raising our children. We didn't do things for ourselves, or just for each other. When the kids got older and more independent, we were bored by each other. We very nearly separated, until we learned to please ourselves, and then we started bringing each other in to each others worlds again. We aren't perfect by any stretch, but we are a lot happier in our marriage now.

I hope you find a way to be happy, which ever route you decide


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You say you had family counselling but no mention of marriage counselling. Have you tried that with him?
To be honest you would be risking loosing such a lot, is it worth the risk that you MAY find the grass is greener when it almost certainy isnt? What man, if you find this elusive 'perfect' man, will really want to take on a woman with three children anyway? I wonder if you need to be more thankful for the many many good things you do have in your life.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

I’d suggest getting voted down for activities doesn’t sound like much of a reason. I have a wife and two daughters who don’t like baseball or fishing (that isn’t really surprising) and I don’t know how many tea parties or girl scout bake-offs I’ve been invited to in life.

You say sex is boring, but how much do you expect moving to a different bedroom? Don’t you think that communicates something to him? You bring things up and he responds, do you still sleep in a different room. Maybe it’s me, but as a man that arrangement would get tiresome pretty damn quick. When he does pick things up, _do you respond in kind?_ 

From your posts it seems like he makes an attempt, you actually list quite a few positive things he does - but you don't say where you reciprocate other than dangling the threat of divorce. Oh, that’s incentive I suppose, but it does nothing to right a marriage or move things forward. You seem to expect things to change without contributing to that change.

It sounds to me like you just want a divorce and you’ve given up. If that’s the case do it, it would be better for him and your kids.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Don't just "stay for the kids." Having miserable parents doesn't feel like they did you a favor by staying. 

More info would be helpful. I'll check back to see if some questions get answered.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Get a fluffy girl cat, and some hobbies you like. Really do some things for yourself to nip some of the loneliness in the bud. It won’t cure those feelings, but small steps hey?

Have you got a female friend?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I strongly believe that if there's no abuse or violence, that parents should stay married. Divorce absolutely sucks for kids, the bottom falls out of their world and the impact is devastating and lifelong.

Sure, you'll get a few people who say their kids wish they hadn't stayed but not many. You'll get loads telling you that kids are resilient and that your happiness matters too, which it does, but why at the expense of the children? And why should they have to be resilient?

Read the book 'Primal Loss', it's story after story of children of divorce who are now adults. It's bloody heartbreaking.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're not really staying in the marriage for the kids' sake - you're staying for your sake. You live a comfortable life and don't want to give that up. You don't want to alienate your boys.

Do you have friends that will alleviate the loneliness and give you some activities outside of you trying to tag along with the boys?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kids do not stay kids forever. They grow into adults.

When they start their own families is when a women shines in the eyes of her children, boys included.

Hopefully, then, a grand daughter will find you 'adorable'.

Bite the bullet now. 

Later, you will find another man's lips to nibble on.

Time is the smallest item you have. Make wise use of it.

Get yourself a job, and a small apartment during the separation.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

frusdil said:


> I strongly believe that if there's no abuse or violence, that parents should stay married. Divorce absolutely sucks for kids, the bottom falls out of their world and the impact is devastating and lifelong.


I agree but to clarify my post, if they do stay, they also must work to improve the marriage. Having miserable parents is no picnic either. I wished my parents would have divorced long before they did. It would have sucked too, but the fighting, the bitterness, my mom crying all the time, etc. already made the bottom fall out and had such an impact. When they separated for a while, at least things were peaceful. I wished for more of that.

I'm still waiting to hear more in this case. I'm not really sure why OP is upset enough to want a divorce. Maybe if we find out more of what's going on, we can offer help/resources.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

IamMotherof3 said:


> Looking for some advice on separation/divorce.
> I have been married for 17 years, and we have three boys, 11, 13 and 14. Kids adore their dad, and he is an excellent father. He has been involved in all their activities, and coaches whatever sport they play – soccer, hockey, baseball. Takes them swimming, skating, roller-blading, fishing, boating,… I just wish my husband would love me ½ as much, or would pay me a 1/3 of attention he pays to kids.
> I came to realize that in our marriage he really wanted kids, and I became an afterthought, just a part of the package. Over the years I have thought of leaving him. We have been to family counselling twice, but it didn’t really work, and more and more I just feel like a fifth wheel.
> We never had real conflict, not even real fights, I just feel that our marriage is like a punctured balloon, and most of the air is out. I feel lonely and often ignored.
> ...


Is he kind and respectful to you?

I have a bit of a problem understanding your perspective. You indicated feeling like an outsider... I can’t imagine doing something where my kids were involved and feeling like an outsider. I would actually find his behavior and involvement with the children a huge turn on. You don’t like the activities that they do... but I don’t see anything NOT enjoyable about many of those. I don’t understand the problem. He isn’t doting attention on you? What would that look like?

Have you considered that you might be difficult to please and maybe, your expectations are a little hard to maintain? Not trying to be mean! But everything you write about this guy and your life doesn’t seem like a problem... except you believe it’s unbearable. I’m reading about your husband and thinking, wow this guy seems like a NICE guy. Which leads me to believe you MAY be high maintenance. Please correct me if I’m wrong. I am not understanding the dynamic of your relationship here. Obviously.


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