# Husband had an emotional affair? What do I do.



## SomewhereinMD (Feb 4, 2013)

I hope this doesn't get too long but I need some input from anyone. I am so confused right now and I am trying to figure this out. 
A little background. We met in the military, have been married 12 years and have three beautiful children.
About five weeks ago my husband came to me and said that he is not in love with me and doesn’t know if he wants to be married to me any longer. Okay, so what do I do? I beg and plead trying to figure out what is going on and to save our marriage because I do love him. That didn't help so I back off. I knew something wasn't right though because back in October he stopped acting like a husband and quit saying I love you without being prompted by me now that I look back at it. 
I start snooping through phone records and noticed a phone number that he called all the time and text messaged all the time. My husband is not a phone talked and when I say all the time it was over a 1000 minutes a month for one month and 600 minutes one month then dropped off in December. The number was a woman he works with I found out. I confronted him about it and he says just friends. I said okay whatever and let it be because I was trying to be strong and not let him see how much I was hurting.
A couple of we both go to counseling (first time) and there I found out that he is not in love with me and really doesn't want to be married anymore through years of kids first and marriage second. Both of our faults. 
Well a couple of weeks ago I found a receipt from Wal-Mart for a Verizon prepaid cell phone and minutes that he bought on November 28, 2012 and I printed out the phone records to show him as well when I confronted him the next morning. He denied it three times and said that he only talks to her at night. Finally after three times he admitted to the cell phone and all the phone calls and says that he bought it because I was snooping. I was not snooping then and only I did three weeks into December. He tells me that he has feelings for her but nothing happened. I told him to leave. He lied to me in front of my face when the evidence was right there. 
Okay fast forward a little more. He then tells me that he doesn't have feelings for her but told me he did when confronted with cell phone. I left the house for a while and came back and once again asked him why he bought the cell phone. No good reason just that I was snooping. I told him I was not and did not until the 3rd week of December. I asked if there was anything physical between them and he says no they are just friends. I asked why all the calls. Well because apparently they have a lot in common and she is easy to talk to. I asked him if he told her about us and he had. 
20 minutes after I confronted him about her again he is crying and says he is willing to give counseling 100 percent. Where did this come from I ask. He couldn't tell me. 
We went to two counseling sessions and now we are not. He feels it is a waste of our time because it is stuff we can do on our own. Yeah okay. He says it is what it is and he is going with the flow. There is this program online I told him about and he said he looked into it and would order but hasn’t yet. 
I have also told him to please have no contact with her and he is still having contact with her. It is not a lot by no means. 7 or 8 here for a day or two then nothing but I don’t want no contact. He says they are just friends and that he will not stop. I asked if she was more important than trying to save our marriage and he says that they are just friends. 
I have not been much help towards him lately because every time I see her number it puts me away more. 
What do I do?
Oh and he still thinks what he did was not an emotional affair.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

He would be dead wrong. I suspect it was physical also. He must face consequences. I think a lie detector test is in order here or you are filing for divorce. If he is giving you the ILYBNILWY speech, show him the door. You must think with your brain and not your heart. He must face severe consequences for his actions.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SomewhereinMD said:


> Oh and he still thinks what he did was not an emotional affair.


They never do and that's what makes an EA so dangerous. Be prepared that this relationship probably did cross the line and that it is still going on. If he works with her then he is in contact anyway. The only way to stop it for sure is to end all contact and if that means he changes jobs, well that is what needs to be done. Your story reads like a script here so you will get plenty of advice. Make sure you weigh the options carefully before you act and see what best applies to your situation.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Until he came admit that he is having a EA, I say having because it sounds like he is still in contact with her, you can not work on the marriage. Do you have family that you can go visit with the kids? 

I have noticed that having divorce paperwork drawn up is about the only way you can bring a spouse to their senses when they are currently involved with someone else. Also, is the OW married? If she is I would contact her BH and let him know what is going on...even if it is idle chatter. The simple fact is that something is up and you have to blow his world up for him to see what he is going to lose.

FYI...even if he freaks out and says he wants his family, the only way that can happen is if he has NO communication with this woman. A good line for people that think because an affair isn't physical then its not an affair....If I was doing that behind your back, how would you feel. You might not get the right answer right away...but it is like a bomb placed in the brain. It will hit them later.

Also, how about calling the number and seeing what her side of things are. Maybe, just maybe see doesn't realize that he is married....FYI chances are remote that she will tell you the truth, but you will also scare her just a little. The secret is staying calm and friendly. Maybe..."My husband says you are a good friend...I would love to met you and talk."


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

He doesnt want to go to counseling because he doesnt want to be ACCOUNTABLE for his actions. My WH did the same thing and I found out later he was still talking to OW.

He was crying because he got caught, notice his crying didnt last too long. Long enough to make you think he cared then he went right back to his ways.

Put a VAR under his car seat IMMEDIATELY, with velcro. That should answer your questions. BUT before you listen to it make a commitment to yourself as to what you are going to do if you find out he is talking to her. It wont do any good to do the VAR if you're going to allow it to keep happening.


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## SomewhereinMD (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks for the quick replys. I told him again last night that I know he is still texting her (as well as some of his buddies but I don't care about that). He got really defensive and said that they are just friends and he will not stop texting her. He can't just switch jobs unfortuantely because it guarantees our kids a free college education. 

He has said from the start that nothing physical has happened and part of me believes him. She does know he is married and she is married also. 

He just doesn't get what he has done. I really want all this to end but if I see one more text, even if it is a joke message I am done.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

SomewhereinMD said:


> Thanks for the quick replys. I told him again last night that I know he is still texting her (as well as some of his buddies but I don't care about that). He got really defensive and said that they are just friends and he will not stop texting her. He can't just switch jobs unfortuantely because it guarantees our kids a free college education.
> 
> He has said from the start that nothing physical has happened and part of me believes him. She does know he is married and she is married also.
> 
> He just doesn't get what he has done. I really want all this to end but if I see one more text, even if it is a joke message I am done.


You said she is married. Follow my advice and find a way to contact her husband....let him know what you have found. Take the rug out from under their feet and do it NOW!!!! Read up on the 180 and tell him you are done. Since he is military and the kids are his dependents they will be covered wither you guys are married or not.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

The VAR (voice activated recorder) is a good idea. Purchase two of them, so that while you are reviewing one, the second is still velcroed under the drivers seat of his car. Cheaters feel safe in their cars, and talk often while driving.

You must also have a plan of action. Gathering evidence is fine, but you must be willing to make some tough decisions when you get your proof. Until he faces serious consequences for his despicable behavior, he will continue to do it.

Do some research on the other woman, if she is in a relationship, expose the affair to her partner when you get solid proof. Do not tell your DH you will be doing this, or they will just go further underground with it. He already has a burner phone. He might have several. 

If he uses a computer to chat, install some type of monitoring software to help with evidence gathering.

Do not attend any more counseling sessions while he is still in contact with her. Its a waste of time and money. Until contact stops, and you can 100% verify this, you will not have much success getting him out of his affair fog. He can't even admit that its an affair even though he felt the need to buy a secret phone. That's some serrious fog there.

Good luck


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

underwater2010 said:


> You said she is married. Follow my advice and find a way to contact her husband....let him know what you have found. Take the rug out from under their feet and do it NOW!!!! Read up on the 180 and tell him you are done. Since he is military and the kids are his dependents they will be covered wither you guys are married or not.


:iagree: 

Be strong, you must be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. Definitely contact her husband. Definitely get the VAR's. You should also consider reporting them to HR. They may be spending work time inappropriately.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SomewhereinMD said:


> He can't just switch jobs unfortuantely because it guarantees our kids a free college education.


Coworkers relationships are about as difficult to break as they come. I can understand your concern for the children's education. You are faced with two realities. He ends the relationship or divorce. In this instance I agree with Underwater, expose the relationship to OW's husband. This in turn may force her to change jobs. But if you do this be prepared for the fall out from your husband. He will be hyper pissed. Think it through as to how you will react when he challenges you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Either he stops contacting her or he moves out. Including at work. You do NOT share him. At all, with anyone. Especially her. Expose to her husband.

Get this book NOW.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Also get tested for STD's.

And read the newbie link in my signature.

How dare he put your children's future in jeopardy like this!!!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SomewhereinMD said:


> He got really defensive and said that they are just friends and he will not stop texting her.


 People that are in emotinal affairs (EA) always claim that they are just friends, but the fact that they cannot stop lets you know that it more. 

Sharing information about your marriage with her while keeping his affair partner's (AP) personal information secret from you puts them on the inside as the couple and you on the outside. This emotional coupling, mixed with the fact that he is expending more time and emotional energy with her with you, is why he has emotionally detached from you and is now no longer in love with you. This is typical of EAs and is why they are so bad for marriages. Read "Not Just Friends" and then read key parts to your husband. 

Contact an attorney and let your husband know that you have done so. Let him know that you are serious about filing and going through with divorce if he continues to have any non-work related contact with his affair partner. If he will let you divorce him over her, then your marraige was over in the long run anyway, better to know know than later. Expose the affair to the APs husband without telling your husband that you are going to do so. Although he will try to tell you otherwise, you are not out of your mind, he is. Good luck.


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## SomewhereinMD (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks again everyone. What is a VAR? 

Like I said the text messages are not like where they were at 600 to 1000 a month. They are down to 8 at most and 1 or 2 days there is nothing. If I see another one today then I am fully done with this marriage because last night it sounded like his friendship with her was more important than saving our marriage.

He did send me a text this morning that he ordered those CD's re: marriage and getting it to work but know I don't know. I really don't know after all this. I want the marriage to work but I feel in my heart he will never be able to let her go.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

*Re: Re: Husband had an emotional affair? What do I do.*



SomewhereinMD said:


> Thanks again everyone. What is a VAR?


See my post above, but for the sake of simplicity a VAR is a Voice Activated Recorder. decent ones can be purchased for under $50


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!
2) Pretty much everything I read he says is bovine scatterings
3) You have the right to snoop on your spouse when they are acting oddly
4) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
5) CONTACT other person spouse IMMEDIATELY. You may catch better evidence from the other end. Use your evidence and don't use any hearsay.
6) VAR the car an hour ago. SOMEONE HAD A BRAND SUGGESTION but I forget who. Actually get two. 1 for driver seat and 1 for wherever he is talking to her elsewhere.
7) This may have gone physical.
8) I am sorry but deep down you know he MAY already be gone.
9) Do not make threats you will not carry out.
10) Snoop him from other directions he is not expecting.
11) THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN MARRIAGE especially ones involving banging another person.
12) You will get advice here that is sometimes blunt. Believe it or not sometimes I actually edit them down and they start out even blunter.
13) DO NOT REVEAL ANY MORE SOURCES UNTIL YOU HAVE DEAD PROOF OF THE EXTENT ONE WAY OR THE OTHER
14) Improve yourself. Hit the gym. Dont have your ages and generic bio but even if you R you make yourself better. IF you D you up your dating value.
15) I want you to go to the mirror and tell yourself you deserve a loyal man. Do it until you truly believe it.
16) The crappiest spouse in the world does NOT deserve to be cheated on. The correct order is Divorce then bang, sext, text or whattheheckever whoever you want. Ill wager you are not the worst spouse in the world.
17) He's rugsweeping and blameshifting
18) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT

WHO HAD THAT BRAND SUGGESTION FOR THE VAR AND WHAT BRAND WAS IT????


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

SomewhereinMD said:


> Like I said the text messages are not like where they were at 600 to 1000 a month. They are down to 8 at most and 1 or 2 days there is nothing.


I went into a false sense of security when my wife significantly reduced her contact with OM, when in reality all I was doing was validating the relationship and enabling her. You don't have to be "done" with the marriage if he slips, as my wife did a couple of times. But you do have to set the boundaries and be ready to back it up if he does.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

My sister was in the military and had an EA. She moved out then got deployed. About a month in she asked me what she should do to win him back. It took her a total of three months of being away from her husband to decide she what she truly wanted. They are now back together and expecting their second child.

The point is that you cannot do anything to make this work if he is not willing. YOU get to set the ground rules. ie passwords, no deleted texts, no deleted emails and NO CONTACT. 

My husband also cheated, but I was lucky enough to find out after it was over. But the rules still apply. In fact I told him if I find any passwords are changed, things deleted or new accounts without being informed I will consider it a breach of trust and I will be gone. So far so good. But he is willing to do what it takes.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SomewhereinMD said:


> Like I said the text messages are not like where they were at 600 to 1000 a month. They are down to 8 at most and 1 or 2 days there is nothing.


 There are two ways that cheaters in emotional affairs (EA) take it underground. One, they get a secret pre-paid burner phone. Two, they communicate via the texting features of other apps such as using the text feature in a game; games are great because the give them another reason to be using the phone that lets them hide their texting. As an example, does your husband play Word With Friends?


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