# Partner - Is intellectual compatibility important?



## rumple9

I ask this because I have split up from my partner after 21 years recently. I am very well educated and she is not.

I'm about to get back into the dating game and I'm wondering if intellectual compatibility is important and if really I should be looking for someone who is educated as I am?

To some extent I'm wondering if that is why my previous relationship may have failed and I don't want this hurt again.


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## SunnyT

It's only as important as you think it is. There are very intellectual people who haven't been to college....


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## shy_guy

I don't think level of education is that high on the list of compatibilities. The ability to partner on common goals is more important. Interestingly, my wife had to partner with me so I could go back to college and complete degrees (plural) that helped elevate our family. That included her taking more responsibility both with the kids, and in the home, and actually had her running a business to bring in more money to help pay for my tuition (I was working). It went farther in her actually expecting good work from me since she was also sacrificing on this goal ... I wouldn't have gotten there without her, and it is her achievement every bit as much as it is mine. It put us in something of a mismatch education wise, but she is still very talented in ways I am not, and that complement helps make us very good as a team.

I obviously don't know your situation since not much is revealed here, so I don't know what hurt you are talking about.


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## Mavash.

Education isn't important to me. Like Sunny said some very smart people never went to college.


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## rumple9

Yes but when your partner can't even spell or help your 12 year old with homework. Is this a recipe for disaster?


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## arbitrator

Provided, of course, that you are comfortable with the intelligence differential. Some people would rank that as being high, others would rank it as being relatively low. It's primarily contingent upon what it means to you, as well as to them, in your relationship.


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## Coffee Amore

If you ask this question then intellectual compatibility is important to you. Nothing wrong with it so long as you realize there are many people without a Ph.D who are intellectually stimulating. Unless I’m mistaken it seems like you’re defining intellectual rather narrowly as meaning not educated in a formal sense (i.e. a Ph.D). While I have a post-graduate degree, I don’t necessarily need my partner to have a similar degree (he does, but it’s not a deal breaker if he didn’t). I’d rather have someone bright, curious about the world, someone with a desire to keep learning throughout life, someone who can spell and write a grammatical sentence, someone who has a wide vocabulary, someone who can hold up his end of a conversation on a variety of topics. I have several cousins who went to very well-known universities. They married other Ph.Ds. Sometimes they come off as intellectual know-it-alls who need to have the last word in a conversation. 

Whilst I don’t need someone with a Ph.D, I couldn’t be with someone who is staunchly anti-intellectual either. I mean someone who is even opposed to the idea of traveling somewhere new, reading a book, learning some new skill. One of the things I noted right away when I met my husband is his verbal playfulness. He has a quick mind. He has a swift comeback so talking with him is fun and stimulating. Sometimes we don’t have to do anything at all to have fun. Just sitting at home talking about whatever topic comes to mind is enough. The only other person I’ve had that connection with is a sibling who has a similar witty personality. My husband and I both like conversation but don’t necessarily share the same interests. He would be bored with watching PBS period dramas or reading the literature I like. He’s passionate about his interests and that turns me on. He keeps up with the latest information for his interests. Listening to him talk about investments, military history, the NBA, IT/technology, current events is a turn on for me. He has such enthusiasm for those topics while I’m only marginally interested in such things. I’ve taught him about Jane Austen and he has taught me the finer points of investments and basketball. It’s a win-win situation for us.


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## rumple9

The reason for my question is that I am worried about entering a new relationship / finding another woman.

I have a post graduate degree and my ex cannot even spell simple words (I often wondered if she was dyslexic), and she was generally stupid although I loved her very much. 

Don't want to make the same mistake again and want to find someone compatible. So I wonder if it is important to find someone of at least the same level of education to be happy ?

I don't want to be seen as an arse but it's a genuine question.


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## kelly123

My husband just graduated high school while I have two masters degrees. My husband doesn't even try to learn new things. Sometimes I wish I married someone more like me. I think of how fun it could be to talk to other people because my husband never has anything new to teach me. I worry my mental capabilities will decline because I am around him too much. However, there are many smart people who never went to college (my mom is one of them). She watches the news each night and reads and because of these two things she knows more than I do about many worldy issues. It really depends on how much you value intellectual discussions whether or not you should embark in a relationship with someone who you feel is not mentally stimulating.


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## pidge70

There is also a BIG difference between being intelligent and being knowledgeable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

For me, it wasn't about the level of education, as some people can have tons of education and still be dingdongs. I am half way to my masters and don't see a big deal about that because in my head, it's just about me getting higher pay at my career.

What WAS important for me in a partner was if he could talk about things other than sports (gag), gossip, their work and other trivial things. I like talking about superficial things, but I also love deep talks about society, ancient civs, history, politics, etc.

Most of the men I dated lacked the drive to read and learn on their own. When I met Hubs, he blew my mind with how much he read and the knowledge he had about things that I, too, cared about.

On our 3rd date, we went to a late dinner and talked for 5 hours at the table...the waitress had to keep coming back to take our order because we kept forgetting to look at the menu, we were sooo engrossed in our conversation (which was about ancient Rome and how it correlates to the United States). Later in our relationship, he told me he knew he would never want to lose me because of that night. He said he had never met someone that he could really talk to and that he had never talked so much before meeting me.

He blew my mind and he only has his HS diploma and mechanics license. But he is very self educated. He reads and analyzes what he reads. On a daily basis he'll have something to talk about that he read in the news or whatever and our dinner conversations are fulfilling and stimulating. I love it.

So, it's not so much the level of education, persay, but more of the amount of knowledge one has and the drive to keep learning. THANKFULLY we agree on most everything on a fundamental level, so there aren't arguments. We just bring different view points to the conversation which i look forward to on a daily basis.

He has educated me so much on cars...something I never thought I'd be interested in. Now I can work on cars with him  And I have introduced him to history that he never knew about. It's lovely.

I mean, if you can't talk to each other about things other than bills, kids, the house, friends and work...it would be a very boring existence, imo.


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## Unhappy2011

^^what she said.

Its very important for both people to be on the same level intellectual wise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

And funny thing, with just his HS diploma and mechanic license, he makes DOUBLE what I do as a teacher  It's not about the piece of paper saying you are smart...it's what you do with your brain that makes you smart.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

you can have the highest lebel of edumacashun and still be dum as a bocks of rox.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

that_girl said:


> And funny thing, with just his HS diploma and mechanic license, he makes DOUBLE what I do as a teacher


thats not too hard to do as they dont pay your profession nearly whats its worth.


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## that_girl

I know...but it irks me that I'm the one with the $25,000 student loan!!! LOL!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

that_girl said:


> I know...but it irks me that I'm the one with the $25,000 student loan!!! LOL!


thats true :/


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## that_girl

But to the OP, just find someone you can talk with. Throw out topics and see how they respond


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## shy_guy

that_girl said:


> For me, it wasn't about the level of education, as some people can have tons of education and still be dingdongs. I am half way to my masters and don't see a big deal about that because in my head, it's just about me getting higher pay at my career.
> 
> What WAS important for me in a partner was if he could talk about things other than sports (gag), gossip, their work and other trivial things. I like talking about superficial things, but I also love deep talks about society, ancient civs, history, politics, etc.
> 
> Most of the men I dated lacked the drive to read and learn on their own. When I met Hubs, he blew my mind with how much he read and the knowledge he had about things that I, too, cared about.
> 
> On our 3rd date, we went to a late dinner and talked for 5 hours at the table...the waitress had to keep coming back to take our order because we kept forgetting to look at the menu, we were sooo engrossed in our conversation (which was about ancient Rome and how it correlates to the United States). Later in our relationship, he told me he knew he would never want to lose me because of that night. He said he had never met someone that he could really talk to and that he had never talked so much before meeting me.
> 
> He blew my mind and he only has his HS diploma and mechanics license. But he is very self educated. He reads and analyzes what he reads. On a daily basis he'll have something to talk about that he read in the news or whatever and our dinner conversations are fulfilling and stimulating. I love it.
> 
> So, it's not so much the level of education, persay, but more of the amount of knowledge one has and the drive to keep learning. THANKFULLY we agree on most everything on a fundamental level, so there aren't arguments. We just bring different view points to the conversation which i look forward to on a daily basis.
> 
> He has educated me so much on cars...something I never thought I'd be interested in. Now I can work on cars with him  And I have introduced him to history that he never knew about. It's lovely.
> 
> I mean, if you can't talk to each other about things other than bills, kids, the house, friends and work...it would be a very boring existence, imo.


Mark this date and time down. April 5, 2012 at 9:03 PM California time, That_girl, notorious hater of long posts, made a post that rivaled one of mine in length. It was a personal story, too. 

FWIW, I loved it. It's a great post. A great point that is made in it is that education is not always expressed in what parts of the alphabet you can hang after your name.


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## that_girl

Well, my long post is because I have taken 2 vicodin for pain and had a beer.

I'm all warm and fuzzy.

:rofl:


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

that_girl said:


> Well, my long post is because I have taken 2 vicodin for pain and had a beer.
> 
> I'm all warm and fuzzy.
> 
> :rofl:


oh, hate vicodins


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## ShawnD

SunnyT said:


> It's only as important as you think it is. There are very intellectual people who haven't been to college....


Asking for degrees is just silly. My best friend doesn't even have a high school diploma, but he knows a hell of a lot about technology. He drives a truck for a living. 

On the flip side, I've met educated people who are completely retarded. Make $1000, spend $1300, _I don't understand why I'm in debt!_ It's been a while, but maybe grade 1 was a lot harder than I remember


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## Stu1970

rumple9 said:


> I ask this because I have split up from my partner after 21 years recently. I am very well educated and she is not.
> 
> I'm about to get back into the dating game and I'm wondering if intellectual compatibility is important and if really I should be looking for someone who is educated as I am?
> 
> To some extent I'm wondering if that is why my previous relationship may have failed and I don't want this hurt again.


I ask this to rumple9........... You say that you had split after some 21 years, I'm not trying to pry here but did you split because of this educational difference? (please don't explain if it was for a different reason I am just trying to establish if this issue has been a problem to you in the past).
I am a 42 year old male that had a rather difficult upbringing with quite violent stepfathers as well as relocation to another school in the 'important' years of my schooling life. I have a stepsister that anyone seeing us together would totally disassociate the two of us. 
I left home at the age of 15 following yet another breakdown in my mothers relationship which saw me fighting with her new boyfriend and I have never looked back. 
I have been lucky enough to have found myself 'in the right place at the right time' when it came to jobs and employment. I have seen a lot of the world and experienced many different cultures whilst working throughout. I have educated myself with life's experiences through my various jobs and roles, I have even been 'head hunted' by very large multi national companies wanting my knowledge and skill sets and yet I have no formal qualifications for half the work I have done.
Although I do not hold qualifications I do sometimes find myself looking down on others yet I bet some of these people have spent more time studying and spending money on further education than I would even dare to consider.
For me personally it got to a point that I had a 'shopping list' of items that I wanted from a woman and if she didn't fit that description then she had no chance. Believe me, this doesn't work!!
I eventually found myself a woman (lady) whilst working overseas who was from an area of the UK that I used to go clubbing in at weekends in my younger years.(We often talk about the clubs and pubs we used to frequent). She actually cut her overseas post short to come back to the UK to be with me, much to the annoyance of her mother when she found out the reason why she was coming back. Her mother even called me a 'no gooder' because of this yet she had never even met me! Anyway, my now wife is amazing, she has amazing vocabulary, is well educated and has an amazing body :0). I am sooo under educated in comparison yet we enjoy so much together and are so happy. We are best friends and have 2 gorgeous children together.
I know I have said a lot about myself here but in all of this, I am trying to show that even lessor educated people can be successful and achieve far more in life than some people may give credit for.
In 2005 I set up my own company and have everything in life that I could ever want. 
Whatever you decide, it's your decision and let no one dictate otherwise. Your happiness is what counts.
Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rumple9

stu the reason for my question is that I don't want to make the same mitake with a future partner. OH and I simply stopped communciating which I believe i the reason for her affair but we had nothing to talk about. That why i ask whether it is important to be with someone of the same intellectual capacity?


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## moxy

rumple9 said:


> I ask this because I have split up from my partner after 21 years recently. I am very well educated and she is not.
> 
> I'm about to get back into the dating game and I'm wondering if intellectual compatibility is important and if really I should be looking for someone who is educated as I am?
> 
> To some extent I'm wondering if that is why my previous relationship may have failed and I don't want this hurt again.


Of course it's important! Unless the only thing you want is a physical relationship, which is pretty unfulfilling over a long term period of time.

If you want to know why you're previous relationship failed, then you ought to examine the dynamics of that relationship. Don't just assume it's because you're smarter than her, because education isn't the same thing as intellectual compatibility. Education is a measure of how well one is versed in the conformist ideals of institutionalized knowledge, but Anarchists and Marxists can be smart as whips and yet are likely to avoid formal education on principle alone. It takes two people to make a marriage work and usually two people to make a marriage fail (unless infidelity is at the root). Fundamental incompatibility could be a problem, but you'll probably want to look more at morality, ethics, values, and temperament than at likeness of "intellectual" currency when that definition is based on formal, non-standardized accolades. Differences in education can, however, sometimes account for difference in the other things that count in a marriage.

Just my two cents.


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## rumple9

well I feel like such a failure but I think our problems are down to lack of communication simply because as we have grown older we have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. We don't interest each other although I still love her


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## moxy

rumple9 said:


> stu the reason for my question is that I don't want to make the same mitake with a future partner. OH and I simply stopped communciating which I believe i the reason for her affair but we had nothing to talk about. That why i ask whether it is important to be with someone of the same intellectual capacity?


Running out of things to talk about does not necessarily have to do with intellectual capacity. Did you guys have significantly different interests? That may be something to explore.

Consider reading "The Five Love Languages" and taking the Marriage Builders emotional needs quiz. It might be useful to see what your needs and values are so that when you meet someone, you can evaluate whether or not the two of you are compatible for partnership in that way. 

I only say this because your fear seems slightly condescending and that might make it hard for you to find someone who is a good match for you as a companion because it will needlessly close your mind to possibilities that might otherwise be fulfilling. You and your exW DID make it work for 20+ years and that means something other than what you're calling "intellectual capacity" (which you say was imbalanced between you and your exW) helped that to happen. Don't let yourself miss out on something meaningful because you're hiding behind this thing that you've latched onto as the reason things didn't work. Maybe it wasn't a fundamental incompatibility, but just the fact that after 20 years, people get bored and complacent. It's tough to keep the connection alive without nurturing it and to nurture it properly, you'll want to understand what makes you connect to someone.

I don't know enough of your story to know the answer outright, but, I think you're dangerously close to the "shopping list" problem that Stu has pointed to, with this narrow approach. Don't be afraid of making the same mistakes, because you don't know what kind of responses a future partner might have that are different, and carrying baggage into a new relationship could hold it back.


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## SunnyT

*That why i ask whether it is important to be with someone of the same intellectual capacity? *

It's not so much about "capacity".... 

It's what YOU want. When you get back to dating after a long marriage, you sometimes don't really know what you want...which is ok, its part of what dating is about. 

You DO know what you don't want tho. You don't want someone with whom you can't or don't communicate. This time, you are older and hopefully wiser... TALK to women. Expect conversation on whatever level you put out there. If it doesn't happen right away, then move on. Because this is your deal breaker. Don't waste your time with women who don't communicate well if that is a huge thing for you. 

After a 23 year marriage with lots of communication issues, I met a guy online.... neither of us looking for a relationship at the time... but we talked and talked and talked.... and today is our 7 year anniversary of the day we met, been married 2 years now and neither of us have shut up yet!  

Don't settle. Find someone who fits your idea.


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## moxy

rumple9 said:


> Yes but when your partner can't even spell or help your 12 year old with homework. Is this a recipe for disaster?


Are you planning on having another child that will one day be 12?

You could always hire a tutor.

Why didn't you both invest in her education, too?


Please forgive the transgression, if I'm speaking too harshly, but it seems like you want to blame the failure of your marriage on her "stupidity" and start over with someone who doesn't have that "flaw". It's not a good way to negotiate social connections, though it might work well to determine job candidacy. I'm not trying to insult you, but I think you're carrying a lot of resentment for your exW and maybe you feel embarrassed to have been slighted by someone who isn't as "smart" as you and so you want to undo that wrong. I only say this because your posts seem to be continually addressing how "stupid" she is. I don't think you're doing this to be arrogant, but it looks like a defensive mechanism in you to keep you from getting hurt the next time. Sometimes, those get in the way of open-ness. It's okay to resent your exW for being unfaithful, but I'd characterize that as a flaw in her morality rather than her intellect.

However, if you were not intellectually stimulated by your exW, and you feel that it contributed to your own complacency in the marriage, then I can see why you would want to address that desire in a future partner. Instead of trying to gauge someone's intellectual capacity (which you can truly never have a way of measuring), just try to meet someone who stimulates you cerebrally and excites you with her mind as much as the rest of her.


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## itgetsbetter

I don't think it's important that you have the same or similar college degrees. But you have to respect your partner...who can respect a person you consider your intellectual inferior? I could not be married to someone whose intellect I didn't admire. Intelligence is extremely important to me...even more important than looks.


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## zeeta

I personally think that yes, it is important. I don't necessarily think education is important, but that intelligence is. 

I remember an episode of House where the patient (who was ridiculously smart) was self medicating to dull his intelligence, as he loved his wife so much and their intellectual compatibility was a serious problem for them. I know it's just a TV show, but I asked a psychologist friend about it who said that it's commonly believed that there is a maximum number of I.Q. points a successful partnership can tolerate. He also said he thought I.Q. tests in general were B.S., but that the theory behind the difference in intelligence was sound.


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## rumple9

that_girl said:


> For me, it wasn't about the level of education, as some people can have tons of education and still be dingdongs. I am half way to my masters and don't see a big deal about that because in my head, it's just about me getting higher pay at my career.
> 
> What WAS important for me in a partner was if he could talk about things other than sports (gag), gossip, their work and other trivial things. I like talking about superficial things, but I also love deep talks about society, ancient civs, history, politics, etc.
> 
> Most of the men I dated lacked the drive to read and learn on their own. When I met Hubs, he blew my mind with how much he read and the knowledge he had about things that I, too, cared about.
> 
> On our 3rd date, we went to a late dinner and talked for 5 hours at the table...the waitress had to keep coming back to take our order because we kept forgetting to look at the menu, we were sooo engrossed in our conversation (which was about ancient Rome and how it correlates to the United States). Later in our relationship, he told me he knew he would never want to lose me because of that night. He said he had never met someone that he could really talk to and that he had never talked so much before meeting me.
> 
> He blew my mind and he only has his HS diploma and mechanics license. But he is very self educated. He reads and analyzes what he reads. On a daily basis he'll have something to talk about that he read in the news or whatever and our dinner conversations are fulfilling and stimulating. I love it.
> 
> So, it's not so much the level of education, persay, but more of the amount of knowledge one has and the drive to keep learning. THANKFULLY we agree on most everything on a fundamental level, so there aren't arguments. We just bring different view points to the conversation which i look forward to on a daily basis.
> 
> He has educated me so much on cars...something I never thought I'd be interested in. Now I can work on cars with him  And I have introduced him to history that he never knew about. It's lovely.
> 
> I mean, if you can't talk to each other about things other than bills, kids, the house, friends and work...it would be a very boring existence, imo.


That Girl - this is exactly what I am getting at - you are so lucky - chersih your relationship!


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## heartsbeating

Level of education doesn't impress me.

Being 'switched on' and aware does. 

I love when my H brings up various topics and discusses them in detail. I think it constantly impresses me. "How do you know all of this?" And he just shrugs it off. I love to learn from him and exchange ideas. 

I enjoy when we have friends over and he speaks in detail about something that I had no idea he knew about. It gives me this flutter inside lol. I find him interesting.


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## rumple9

Yeh Heartsbeating I think that is precisely it - someone you find interesting. I think that's why my long term relationhip failed . I still love her but for the last few years she has not interested me. I find her phyically attractive but not intellectually, as a result I've put her on a pedestal because of her looks.


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## Unsure in Seattle

To me, not only is it important... it's the MOST important thing. But YMMV.

And of course it's not equal to how educated you are or are not. Heartsbeating put it nicely.


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## LovesHerMan

It is very important to me. I could not respect someone who could not carry on an intelligent conversation. Contempt is an indicator of a failing marriage, and I would not want to spend my life with someone whom I did not respect.


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## Maria78

kelly123 said:


> My husband just graduated high school while I have two masters degrees. My husband doesn't even try to learn new things. Sometimes I wish I married someone more like me. I think of how fun it could be to talk to other people because my husband never has anything new to teach me. I worry my mental capabilities will decline because I am around him too much. However, there are many smart people who never went to college (my mom is one of them). She watches the news each night and reads and because of these two things she knows more than I do about many worldy issues. It really depends on how much you value intellectual discussions whether or not you should embark in a relationship with someone who you feel is not mentally stimulating.


Hi, 
I just find your post and I feel the same thing about my partner never having anything new to teach me and my mental capabilities declining. I think that I value a lot all the intellectual discussions in a relationship, and now I feel that I miss all that. How are you by the way? It goes well or not?

And I just wanted to add: I also think it's not the diploma but the curiosity that is important. Some well educated people are interesting, some are not, but unfortunately often the uneducated don't have original opinions on things.


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## Complexity

Absolutely not. I attended a prestigious University and work in a Government Ministry, I could care less how "intellectual" my partner is. I don't need that sort of stimulation and to be honest, I couldn't be with someone who demanded it. 

Yes it's nice to hold an engaging conversation but the last thing on my mind when I talk to my girlfriend are the socio-economic consequences of SAPs in the Third World.....

I actually prefer it if she talks about celebrity gossip and interesting news tidbits. I want to have fun with her. I'd never put her in a position where she has to "prove" something to me.


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## curlysue321

I think intellectual compatibility is important. My exH didn't go to college, but he was very smart. Kids scored in the 99th percentile on intelligence tests and a lot of that comes from him. I personally could never be with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal, but I wouldn't base that assessment solely on whether the person had a college education or not. I am recently remarried and my husband has five college degrees. I do not feel he is any smarter than my exH. They are both intelligent men. I have an associate's degree and two additional years of college, but no bachelor's. I do not feel any less intelligent that my husband. So yes, you need an intellectual equal, but I don't think it needs to solely be based on education. I base intelligence on whether or not the person is open-minded and curious. Critical thinking is important.


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## Caribbean Man

Everybody appreciate different things.
For me, I value intellect.
I cannot live with a woman who babble incessantly about the next door neighbour or who wore what to the Grammys.
To me she is like a leaking roof on a rainy day.
I abhor the mindset of shallow people, no matter how beautiful or sexy they look.

I love intellectual stimulation,
I'm in love with the process of how a person perceives and thinks.


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## Enginerd

Degrees are less important then overall intelligence, life philosophy and world view. If you cannot relate to the world in a similar way it will create conflict and frustration in your relationship. Some like this type of conflict (sexy), but it eventually creates a huge rift that cannot be repaired. You've already had a 21 year relationship so you're no spring chicken. You must realize that as we age the converstation we have with our spouses really comes into focus. It's what keeps up interested in each other as our "natural resources" dwindle. If you do not respect your spouse intellectually you will eventually lose respect for her and any attraction you once felt during the honeymoon phase will disappear. I know this personally. 

Good Luck


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## jaquen

My wife and I have a very strong relationship, despite many fundamental differences.

We're both feelers, but I've always been a thinker. She has not. Growing up she never saw herself as particularly intelligent, partly because her father use to constantly call her "stupid". I've always enjoyed intelligent discourse about a variety of topics, whereas she, and her friends, gravitated more toward discussions about everyday life matters. I could be found thoroughly analyzing a film with my friends, where she and her friends were gabbing about what they did, blow by blow, from the top of their day, to the close.

This wasn't an issue at all when we were best friends, but it became an issue in our romantic relationship. I found myself trying hard to mold her into a more overtly intelligent person. I didn't find her stupid at all, I actually always thought she had the potential for so much more, but I was constantly frustrated that she wasn't realizing that potential at the pace I wanted, and in the way I felt counted. Honestly I lost track of how many long, involved, and sometimes painful, conversations we had about my needs being unmet. 

The one day, years into the relationship, I realized that I just had to let go. I was deeply in love with this woman, she is an incredible human being, and I was wasting my time trying to change her. I read somewhere that your SO other can't be everything to you. The article went on to suggest that if you get 80% of what you need from your spouse that you're in a wonderful relationship. This was a simple truth, but it hit home in a major way. I started to let go. I stopped expecting her to express intelligence in the ways I judged it, stopped pressuring her, and started to embrace the ways in which she uniquely expressed her intellect. I stopped hurting her, and stopped killing myself. There was just so, so much to love about my baby, and I did not want to chance losing her over my own foolish ego.

Now? My wife loves to read (and I mean real books, not pulpy junk and cheap romance novels), she's become far more confident in her intellect, and I'm so proud of my baby. She works as a benefits coordinator for a major non-profit media organization, and handles information with ease that is totally foreign to me. If she ever has a moment where she slips into her old way of thinking, her old insecurities, I remind her of all the ways she's grown, and just how intelligent she really is.

Yes, still there are discussions best suited for one of my friends, or my sister, and that's OK. She likewise has topics that are better suited in discussion with others.

The best thing I ever did was to hone in on her strengths and appreciate, and encourage, those instead of continuing to try and make her another me. She can't be me, anymore than I can be her. Our many differences are a strength, not a cause for weakness in our relationship.

(BTW, we both are college graduates. But I attended one of the best universities in the country, and she attended a small, little known liberal arts school. The divergence in the prestige of our schools never made one single damn bit of difference to me.)


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## Rowan

My husband has a degree with an added certification from a very prestigious engineering school. I have a degree in a somewhat quirky field of science from a smaller, less prestigious school. In all the years we've been married, he's never once considered that I might be as, or even more, intelligent than he is. I happen to know that my I.Q. is higher. I'm much better read, more informed about current events and able to converse comfortably on a much broader range of topics. I'm curious and interested in the world around me, other people, and new places and things. I read on average a page a minute in most texts and consume about a book a week (sometimes as many as 3) from a _wide_ variety of genres. Sadly, I am also very mildly dyslexic and often struggle with what to others would be simple mathematics. 

What does my husband see? He sees a woman who can't spell and can't always help our 12 year old with his math homework....... 

Because to my husband, the only people who are intelligent are the ones who are intelligent _in the same ways he is_. He's too busy congratulating himself on being such a great guy for "putting up with" his poor stupid wife who transposes letters and needs a calculator to balance the checkbook, to consider that I might be as smart as he is but in a different way. In his view, anyone whose mind doesn't work the way his does (very much an engineer in all ways) must be dumb. 

Intellectual compatibility _is_ important. Just don't be blind to all the different ways in which people can be intelligent, and don't put too much emphasis on a particular degree level or school.


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