# Anyone left due to partner with mental illness?



## Libau (May 14, 2016)

I have been in a up and down marriage for the last 10 years. It started early with my wife wanting to kill herself on a trip we were on. 

Over the years we defintely had good times. But it was the times dealing with her illness that just seemed to finally have taken the wind out of my sails.

I have supported her through all of her troubles. Even when she was banging her head into a wall..so hard I could barely restrain her. I will never forget that image. 

A lot of, most of these times was due to tragedy. Life is like that. Serious illness for me, job loss, deaths in the family. With her mental illness, she has never been able to bounce back well. At times she has been off work for 2 years after her parent died.

Throughout this I have really needed her. But she struggles to provide that support because she just cannot. It was proven when I was seriously ill and she crashed, concerned I would die. I ended spending the next year supporting her!

I seem to have come to a point now where I just cannot support her. I feel like I have little left to give. And her illness causes me enough stress that I again worry about my health.

I also think of what I want to do to live life moving forward, and whether she can stay up for the ride. I also wonder when the next tragedy hits, how ill she will get.

With this, I still feel guilty about leaving over this. I know others that have partners dealing with illness, but not mental illness. They have no plans of leaving due to those issues. So I find myself thinking why I am not just sticking with things? A friend mentioned though that mental illness is different.

Just wondering if anyone else has left a marriage with the main crux being a partners mental illness being just too much.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I really feel for you, I have seen the terrible toll mental illness takes on a marriage first hand, with my parents. My mum was clinically depressed, very severely and how my dad didn't divorce her I still don't know. She treated him terribly, the emotional abuse and cruelty she would dole out was horrendous. We all copped it, but not as much as dad. Their marriage was literally pushed to breaking point, and had mum relapsed at a later date I don't believe it would have survived a second bout. I said to dad years later, that he deserved a medal for staying married to her through that.

I myself wouldn't be the least bit phased by a physical illness/disability, but a long term, ongoing mental illness...I honestly don't know.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Treatment can make a huge difference. Is she under the care of a psychiatrist and receiving both medicine and talk therapies?


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

frusdil said:


> I myself wouldn't be the least bit phased by a physical illness/disability, but a long term, ongoing mental illness...I honestly don't know.


This is my hang up. The stress of mental illness is just so taxing. People really have no clue until you live with someone with it.


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Treatment can make a huge difference. Is she under the care of a psychiatrist and receiving both medicine and talk therapies?


Always had a dr. Last few yrs pysch dr as well with heavy duty treatments. Drugs always. Talk therapy not so much.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is one of those moments in which I have to say "there's two sides to every story."

My exH would probably tell you that I had a mental illness as well. It didn't stop his passive aggressive ways; habit of baiting me and so on.

So, yes, he and I are better off apart than together.

Even my mother tells me I need therapy. She is just as PA as my exH.

I've found therapy all right. My therapy with her is to stay the hell away.........


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Libau said:


> Always had a dr. Last few yrs pysch dr as well with heavy duty treatments. Drugs always. Talk therapy not so much.


Have you seen a positive change since the heavy duty treatments started? If not, has the psychiatrist been working to get the combination and dosages of meds right for her? For those with serious mental illness, it can sometimes take months to years of trial and error to get the right combination of meds at the right dosages for the patient. 

Are you seeing a therapist? Loving someone who is mentally ill is a challenge and puts the spouse of the ill person into a caregiver role. Caregivers need support.

That said, I wouldn't blame you for leaving if you just can't take it anymore. Both of my parents and my exH suffered from depression to varying degrees and I am pretty sure my exH had other mental issues, as well. I've lived with mental illness and I do understand how difficult it is to cope.

If you do decide to end the marriage, I think you need to consider talking with your wife's doctors, friends, and family so that they are prepared to help her.


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## Marische (Apr 30, 2016)

Libau said:


> I have been in a up and down marriage for the last 10 years. It started early with my wife wanting to kill herself on a trip we were on.
> 
> Over the years we defintely had good times. But it was the times dealing with her illness that just seemed to finally have taken the wind out of my sails.
> 
> ...



I think you are an "enabler" and once you are gone she will bounce back look for a job and move on... Meanwhile you will have to pay spousal support.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Libau said:


> I have been in a up and down marriage for the last 10 years. It started early with my wife wanting to kill herself on a trip we were on.


Likewise, I was in a 15-year marriage to a wife who threatened to kill herself on several occasions. She would call me from the subway, telling me she was going to jump in front of the next train -- then she would hang up.



> Over the years we defintely had good times.


As with your W, mine was emotionally unstable. Significantly, instability is the key defining trait for two disorders: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder). 



> She was banging her head into a wall..so hard I could barely restrain her.


Self harm -- such as head banging and arm cutting -- is one of the defining traits for BPD. Moreover, many studies have shown that self harm like cutting is strongly associated with BPD. 

A 2004 hospital study, for example, found that_ "Self-mutilating behavior is a symptom seen in both men and women with various psychiatric disorders, but *the majority of those who self-mutilate are women with borderline personality disorder*. This complex, maladaptive behavior is used by clients as a means of self-preservation and  emotion regulation, and is often associated with childhood trauma."_ See J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. 2004. 



> Just wondering if anyone else has left a marriage with the main crux being a partners mental illness being just too much.


Yes, I filed for divorce after 15 years.



> Always had a dr. Last few yrs pysch dr as well with heavy duty treatments. Drugs always. Talk therapy not so much.


What diagnosis was given? Have you obtained a second opinion from your own psychiatrist? I ask because, if BPD is involved, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see a therapist who has never treated or seen her. That way, you are assured the therapist is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think you are an "enabler" and once you are gone she will bounce back look for a job and move on... Meanwhile you will have to pay spousal support.

I don't think you should be telling someone they will have to pay spousal support unless you know what state they live in and the full details of the marriage, not everyone has to pay spousal support.

OP I feel for you, and can see how this can take a toll but you have a right to be happy too. 

Has she ever been hospitalized for treatment? She would probably benefit more if she had a therapist to talk to and not just shove meds at her.


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

Lostme said:


> I think you are an "enabler" and once you are gone she will bounce back look for a job and move on... Meanwhile you will have to pay spousal support.
> 
> I don't think you should be telling someone they will have to pay spousal support unless you know what state they live in and the full details of the marriage, not everyone has to pay spousal support.
> 
> ...


She has been hospitalized for a day or two a couple of times. Dealt with crisis intervention people as well a couple of times


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

Uptown said:


> Likewise, I was in a 15-year marriage to a wife who threatened to kill herself on several occasions. She would call me from the subway, telling me she was going to jump in front of the next train -- then she would hang up.
> 
> As with your W, mine was emotionally unstable. Significantly, instability is the key defining trait for two disorders: BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder).
> 
> ...


Depression/ anxiety. Possibly some personally disorder as well.


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you seen a positive change since the heavy duty treatments started? If not, has the psychiatrist been working to get the combination and dosages of meds right for her? For those with serious mental illness, it can sometimes take months to years of trial and error to get the right combination of meds at the right dosages for the patient.
> 
> 
> There is a bit, but it doesn't last. As soon as the next bad thing in life hits she is down again. Plus I think I start forgetting what normal is. When we do fun things she is usually much more muted than me, and this is when she is well. If she ever gets really excited about something, I think wow! But then someone reminds me that she really is only then at a normal person's reation, not over and above.
> ...


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> This is one of those moments in which I have to say "there's two sides to every story."
> 
> My exH would probably tell you that I had a mental illness as well. It didn't stop his passive aggressive ways; habit of baiting me and so on.
> 
> ...


Absolutely agree. However pretty confident my situation is not that. Even her family has told me that 9 out of 10 guys would have been long gone. That makes me think I am just dumb for continuing to stay in my caregiving role with the endless hope that things one day will turn for better and stay that way.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Libau said:


> Depression/ anxiety. Possibly some personally disorder as well.


In that case, Libau, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Libau.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I haven't left any for mental illness but I have married a couple due to my own temporary insanity.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

My exwife was mentally ill. Anxiety, depression, histrionic personality disorder, you name it.

I discovered 15 years in that mental illness can be contagious.

She was in a downward spiral. 

It was either her or her and me. 

I chose her.


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

That is what I truly am concerned with. And what my last psychologist mentioned. That if I don't leave she will out live me. 

I also believe the pt about contagious ia scarily true. It is impossible not to get teasted and drawn in. Somehow, even with a bipolar parent myself, I have been able to start death in the face during myillness AND still be a caregiver to a wife and parent. Still not sure how I pulled that stretch off. 

But now that I am well and have more strength to be a caregiver, it is not a role I think I can do. And my wife's track record is clear as day. This will never go away. It will constantly return. And maybe one day my sanity breaks. Gotta be a chance of that.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I live with a spouse who has been on Zoloft for about 20 years. She started because after our first children she would have impressions to kill me or me AND them. Alternatively, it was just to leave us. She never left it tried to hurt anyone but went to a doctor who got her on Zoloft. I did not realize the extent of this until recently. 

It bothers me that she did not open up to me 20 years ago. I also have had the joy of living in a sexless marriage for 2 decades. That has recently changed but part of me wonders what 20 years of drugs has done for her.... I mean, if life was that bad wouldn't it be best to just change the circumstances as opposed to taking drugs to cope? 

Then again, mental illness is real. 

I do think it is a huge mistake to not involve both spouses in the counseling.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Libau said:


> Absolutely agree. However pretty confident my situation is not that. *Even her family has told me that 9 out of 10 guys would have been long gone.* That makes me think I am just dumb for continuing to stay in my caregiving role with the endless hope that things one day will turn for better and stay that way.


I bet that my parents have said that about me as well. you may want to consider what dysfunctions your wife's family members have to not want to support her. 

and worse, make a sweeping ridiculous remark that you claim that they made. So 9 out of 10 guys would leave her....... Did you know that 90% of the statistics that you read are false?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Libau said:


> I have been in a up and down marriage for the last 10 years. It started early with my wife wanting to kill herself on a trip we were on.
> 
> Over the years we defintely had good times. But it was the times dealing with her illness that just seemed to finally have taken the wind out of my sails.
> 
> ...


You both need professional support and help.

You can't do it all by yourself.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, is your wife doing anything to try to help herself?


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

Yes she is on meds, sees a Dr, psyhiatrist and psychologist.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Libau,
Deciding to leave a mentally ill spouse is a process. If you have lived with someone with mental illness, you have probably become co-dependent in order to cope. I would start with reading a couple books I have found helpful- Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beatty and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason. Each of these books will show you how to deal with your spouse's illness in a healthier way for you. You will better understand her illness and what drives her to do what she does. The next thing I would suggest is to get a counselor or psychologist just for you. This person can sort through all the emotional clutter and give you strategies to deal with your situation. They will not judge you, nor will they try to steer you one way or the other. They will help you see your situation in a factual way. The next thing I would do is contact a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like. Not knowing what you are entitled to is a big deterrent to making that decision to go or stay.

You may find that with some solid coping mechanisms, your outlook will be brighter and you will not feel so powerless to her illness. You may also find that it is just too exhausting to continue with her and decide to leave. At least, either way, you will have knowledge and a support system in place to help you.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Template said:


> Libau,
> Deciding to leave a mentally ill spouse is a process. If you have lived with someone with mental illness, you have probably become co-dependent in order to cope. I would start with reading a couple books I have found helpful- Co-dependent No More by Melanie Beatty and Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason. Each of these books will show you how to deal with your spouse's illness in a healthier way for you. You will better understand her illness and what drives her to do what she does. The next thing I would suggest is to get a counselor or psychologist just for you. This person can sort through all the emotional clutter and give you strategies to deal with your situation. They will not judge you, nor will they try to steer you one way or the other. They will help you see your situation in a factual way. The next thing I would do is contact a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like. Not knowing what you are entitled to is a big deterrent to making that decision to go or stay.
> 
> You may find that with some solid coping mechanisms, your outlook will be brighter and you will not feel so powerless to her illness. You may also find that it is just too exhausting to continue with her and decide to leave. At least, either way, you will have knowledge and a support system in place to help you.


When you are in the thick of it, you don't see the forest for the trees. I honestly had to let it sink in when people would tell me it's not normal behavior, I just didn't know and had become totally codependent, what an awful place to be, so helpless. The first time I threatened to leave her, we weren't married yet and had only been together a few months, she stabbed me in the arm with a large kitchen knife. Fortunately I had turned as it seemed she was going for my heart. She dropped the knife and cried and from then on, she knew all she had to do, was shed some tears to keep me around. I stayed 28 years. :surprise:

I'm so happy I found this place, it has really opened my eyes, thanks everyone. I'm finally getting out of this abusive relationship, one way or another. :grin2:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Slow Hand said:


> When you are in the thick of it, you don't see the forest for the trees. I honestly had to let it sink in when people would tell me it's not normal behavior, I just didn't know and had become totally codependent, what an awful place to be, so helpless. The first time I threatened to leave her, we weren't married yet and had only been together a few months, she stabbed me in the arm with a large kitchen knife. Fortunately I had turned as it seemed she was going for my heart. She dropped the knife and cried and from then on, she knew all she had to do, was shed some tears to keep me around. I stayed 28 years. :surprise:
> 
> I'm so happy I found this place, it has really opened my eyes, thanks everyone. I'm finally getting out of this abusive relationship, one way or another. :grin2:


When a partner resorts to physical violence, it's clear you have a problem.

But do you wonder if you have somehow baited him or her?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> When a partner resorts to physical violence, it's clear you have a problem.
> 
> *But do you wonder if you have somehow baited him or her*?


Stabbing another person is not normal behaviour.

OP, my partner was married for almost 20 years to a woman with medically diagnosed MH issues. He was co dependent I guess but he stayed bc of the kids, he did his best to support her in any way possible including working long hours, earning big money so she didn't have to work, he did the vast majority of the housework, shopping and cooking. Most days he would get home from work and she was still in bed and had done nothing around the house, he would then do the laundry and sort out the kids.
So many stories but generally it sounds like it was a nightmare. 

She eventually kicked him out one time too many, this was a blessing as it turns out. Now he is happy and enjoying a great life. We have been together for over 5 years now and I know him extremely well. She is a manipulative, crazy person and he is a loving, calm, stable person. How he tolerated her for so long is beyond me but he is a loyal man that tried to do what he thought was the best.

Get out with your health and sanity in tact. This is your life, don't waste any more of it.


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## leetjay (Nov 14, 2014)

I am in the process of asking my wife for a divorce. There are many many things that play into it but mental illness is a big factor. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to leave he for this. I totally understand.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> When a partner resorts to physical violence, it's clear you have a problem.
> 
> But do you wonder if you have somehow baited him or her?


No, I actually learned when to stay away, lol, it happened most every month around the same time. 

I actually noticed, only recently, in the last year, that she was more pleasant to be around during this time when she would take apple cider vinegar, weird, huh? I believe it also increased her libido. 

Through my own research, I determined she has PMDD, a severe form of PMS and many women were able to control it through the use of apple cider vinegar.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Slow Hand said:


> No, I actually learned when to stay away, lol, it happened most every month around the same time.
> 
> I actually noticed, only recently, in the last year, that she was more pleasant to be around during this time when she would take apple cider vinegar, weird, huh? I believe it also increased her libido.
> 
> Through my own research, I determined she has PMDD, a severe form of PMS and many women were able to control it through the use of apple cider vinegar.


What a severe form of PMS!

I ask about the baiting behavior as a generality. Or triggering behavior as it is sometimes called here.

I have / had this issue with my mother in various forms. One was that she gave not only unwanted advice but would follow up asking if I had done what she suggested. I asked myself if I behaved in ways that encouraged her behavior. So, one solution I found was to give her as little info to work on at all. That meant, for example, the couple of times she came to visit me in London, I never offered to show her my flat when it was under renovation. She didn't ask to seeit; I didn't offer. Same in France when she and her partner were visiting. When they came over, we went straight to the living room and I never showed them around.

I heard from my sister that our mother was disappointed that I had not shown her around in either location. But I had learned from bitter experience as my mother is passive- aggressive, that anytime that I ask her not to do something, she is compelled to do it EVEN MORE. IOW, words do not help. Open honest dialogue does not help.

In western society these days, we are free, to divorce our partners for even the slightest reasons. Therefore, when I hear someone claiming that their spouse is sick in the head, I really wonder what else is going on.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I left a 28 yr marriage from a WH with recurrent major depression, anxiety, and paranoia. He battled depression his entire adult life. But when the disease contributed to verbal and emotional abuse, threats of violence, and finally serial cheating I called it quits. He was sabotaging his own treatment and I survived through co-dependency. We were one messed up couple.

I absolutely agree it is a process. There can be enormous guilt associated with divorcing someone with mental illness, from some family and some members of society. Only you can know when to end it. The impact our disfunctional relationship was having on the kids was a huge factor.

I can also say that life can be so much better.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> What a severe form of PMS!
> 
> I ask about the baiting behavior as a generality. Or triggering behavior as it is sometimes called here.
> 
> ...


My beliefs kept me from divorcing her for anything other than infidelity. Some have told me that the mental, emotional and physical abuse would also allow me to leave her. 

Sorry to hear of your relationship with your mother, hope it works out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sort of, yes. Illness? Behavior? Sick of her sh^it? Some people can never get better while others actually like being horrid.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sort of, yes. Illness? Behavior? Sick of her sh^it? *Some people can never get better* while others actually like being horrid.


OP:

Pay attention to the bolded part. It took me years to truly accept this fact. With all the love and support you can give, with the best doctors and therapies, even with earnest desire some people never get better. Fact.

I don't know if you should leave your wife, but make sure you know exactly what you are facing. If you're hanging in there with the hope that the next med or the next therapist will be able to change the game...you may be very disappointed. Change your expectations and it may be possible to have a happy life even with your wife's illness. That's for you to figure out.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Didn't you take marriage vows that says "In sickness and in health". If she was violent and you feared for your life then I would agree you should get out but it doesn't sound like that is the case. I'm sure if you developed a mental or physical illness she would stand by you. You should do the same. I don't think you should leave your wife because she is depressed.


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

Yes I did take vows but once you live long term with someone with mental illness you realize there are limits. This is not a broken bone that won't heal. It can be devastating to the caregivers health as well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Libau said:


> Yes I did take vows but once you live long term with someone with mental illness you realize there are limits. This is not a broken bone that won't heal. It can be devastating to the caregivers health as well.


This is so true. My mum was verbally and emotionally abusive when she was ill. It went on for years. It was also part of the reason I tried to stick it out with my abusive ex partner a few years later - he suffered depression too, he could be very cruel and abusive but he was depressed - if it was ok for my mum, and she got better I could stick it out with him too right? Wrong! 

It wasn't until I started talking about it to my doctor and then a counsellor that I finally started to see it for what it was. My counsellor said "That's all bs. It's not depression it's abuse". My doctor asked me "Why would you put up with that bs?" I thought...whoa...something's not right here.

I really feel for you OP, I honestly don't know what I'd do. If it was short term, or the good days outweighed the bad, that's one thing. But if it went on and on and on...I honestly don't know what I'd do.


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## Libau (May 14, 2016)

zookeeper said:


> OP:
> 
> Pay attention to the bolded part. It took me years to truly accept this fact. With all the love and support you can give, with the best doctors and therapies, even with earnest desire some people never get better. Fact.
> 
> I don't know if you should leave your wife, but make sure you know exactly what you are facing. If you're hanging in there with the hope that the next med or the next therapist will be able to change the game...you may be very disappointed. Change your expectations and it may be possible to have a happy life even with your wife's illness. That's for you to figure out.


I truly believe this is my situation. I do not think my wife will ever be well for any long stretch of time. 

And as others pointed out, no she is not violent towards me, however life is very short and I feel like coping with her illness will be the death of me. And I want more. It sucks. I am not sure what to do.


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