# seeking answers and not sure what to think...



## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

I am recently married, and found out a few days after marriage that my husband experimented with men before our marriage. He received oral a few times, and one time had sex with a man. He claims it was just experimenting, and not something he would do again int he future, We have been together for 5 years, and this happened before we were in a serious relationship. I want to believe him, but I struggle with the thoughts of, if you had reasons to want to try sexual things with same sex partner int he past, won't those feelings come back? He claims it will never happen again, as he would never hurt me like this, but I have a hard time worrying I am the cover to not come out to his family.

He is very masculine, I would have never in my life thought he would experiment, he is very conservative as well. I feel like I am being a hypocrite as well because after my divorce from my first marriage, I experimented with a girl, and I can honestly say it will not happen again. It was a one time thing, and sure I fantasize occasionally, but actually doing it again, not a chance. 

I love my husband very much, and I know he loves me, but my first marriage ended because he cheated multiple times, and I will not go through this again, and I know my first marriage still to this day gives me trust issues, and I try not to have them, and have never shown them to my husband, but I do openly talk to him if something bothers me. 

I am sorry about all of the rambled thoughts, I am not sure how to put my thoughts together on this subject, as they are still running scattered in my head as I try to make sense of them!

I guess is it possible for a man to experiment with another man, and seriously not want to do it again in the future? I can honestly say I do not have a gut feeling of anything, and after my first marriage, I probably look for signs more than others...it took 5 years of dating before I was willing to get re-married. 

I do not believe in divorce, and I never thought I would go through one the first time, yet I do not want to find out in 10-15 years I was a cover so he did not have to face his feelings.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

The answer is that you have to trust him. The same as he has to trust you. If you want to you can.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

he experimented with a guy years ago and now is married to you. don't worry about it. i mean.. are you equally worried that he is going to return to previous women he has slept with? you have nothing to worry about. worrying is just gonna drive you crazy, and if you start looking for signs that he is gay, then you will just drive yourself crazy - you could look at any person and come up with reasons why they might appear to be homosexual, whether they are or aren't.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I understand your concern because it wasn't a one off experimentation there were a few incidences. You referred to them as men, not just one man. So I am guessing it wasn't just a one off night of experimentation.

Can people experiment with the opposite sex and not be homosexual? Absolutely. I am assuming this came to light because he told you himself? Because that is great if he can be honest with you and talk about it. That he is not hiding anything.

How do you feel about the fact he has been with other men? Does it make you feel any differently towards him? 

If he is telling you that absolutely no way would he ever do it again, you only have the choice left to believe that or not. Perhaps he says that now, but in the future could gravitate towards another man. Or he could put it in his past and only look forward with you.

You have to decide whether this is something you can live with or not. All marriages are based on what ifs - if you love each other and trust each other and are happy, then live today for today. You can't predict the future and you may be right or wrong.

Trust your instinct.


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## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

I am not worried he will cheat with with women from his past, or future, I am pretty secure there, which has my mind in craziness right now, as my ex husband cheated with anything willing to put out...only when he tried to sleep with my best friend and she turned him down and then felt aqward around me and it pretty much ruined our friendship (and yes I have often wondered if they did sleep together, but honestly I do not care, it was what I needed to leave y marriage, I do not believe in divorce, and have 2 children, and kept hoping my marriage would get better, finally realized it was not going to).

My current husband was only open because I kept finding little things that made me uneasy, such as I caught him watching gay porn, found gay porn on his computer, etc. Shortly after marriage I found a text message in his phone, he was acting moody one night, we had a friend visiting from another country, with our god children, so I went through his phone, and there was a message from someone he experimented with (he did not follow through, and his response was sorry man, I just got married) but my heart still sank. I went downstairs shaking uncontrollably and confronted him, he was completely honest with me, and with the taboos of M2M I am sure it was hard, he told me he had gotten blow jobs in the past, gave one, and tried sex once. it was not something he planned to do again, but my fears are still there, this is not something I can give him if he desires it again.

It is different, I never understood why my ex husband cheated, I had the perfect body, I took care of myself, we had 2 beautiful children, financially stable, and he cheated with larger women...when he re-married he married pretty much a dead ringer for me, do not even try to make sense of it any longer.

My husbands experimentation happened over a few week time period, and I hope that is all it was. New events have happened in life that have scared the crap out of me. My best friend just found out her father in law has Aids, he had a secret lifestyle with men. Her mother in law suspected it 15 years ago, and they have not had sex in 15 years. she stayed for her children, and once they were out of the house she had been keeping his secret so long it was just easier to stay and lead separate lives. they all had to go for HIV testing, mom, children, grandchildren, and thankfully have all tested negative.

I do nto want this to happen to me in 5, 10, 15 years. The thought scares the hell out of me. This happening to our friends has brought our life up again, I told my husband my fears, and he assures me this is not going to happen. He said what happened to our friends dad has scared the hell out of him too, and experimenting with men is not even a possibility for him for that reason, and he would never want to hurt me. 

My husband has been HIV tested as recent as may for his job (he has to to get Visa's to travel outside of the country). But I told him this is something we are going to do again together for my piece of mind, and have an appointment with my doctor next month. 

Him being with other men does not make me feel different towards him per say, but I will not lie, I do have that stigma that 2 women are much more acceptable, I find nothing about 2 men being a turn on. I am a very open minded person, heck my best friend is a gay make, and I ask him more personal questions about his sexual orientation than a person probably should. 

I guess i just have a hard time with all of this because I definitely have trust issues, I do not let them surface in my marriage, and I deal with them. I know my husband is not my ex husband, but finding all of this out does mess with my head a little.


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

Finding out all this would mess with my head alot! I feel for you. Especially with your family situation and the threat of aids. It's cetainly not a common issue you expect when you get married.

If he says he won't do it again, you can only trust his word. He needs to be absolutely, 100% sure that he does not want to do it again, not that he's just married so he can't. 

My old best friend years ago experimented with guys when we was around 18 to 20. Definitely not gay. It could be nothing, or it could be everything. You know your husband better than anyone. 

If you trust him, which it sounds like you do, work through the shock and the old trust issues reflamed then put it behind you and make the decision to not let the past affect your future.


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## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

I know you are right, I have to have trust in him, and for the most part I do, I guess I just have those deep down fears of what if it was not experimenting,or what if it was and later down the road he realizes he wants to be with a man again. I absolutely know when I experimented after my divorce it was an I hate men phase, I am going to become a lesbian, lasted one night phase, because I 100% am into men...lol.

I guess it is just different, because I know what my thought are 100%, but someone else s thoughts you have to rely on what the tell you. And it sucks I cannot talk to any of my friends about this, I am not sure they are open minded enough, and do not want them looking at my husband strangely. I am also sure this is not something he would want me to discuss with one of my friends, and it is pretty personal. Hell I never told any of my friends about me experimenting...and honestly never told my husband until this came up. I guess I never thought it was important, it was in the past....


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

I agree on not telling your friends too ... they will most likely judge and it will embarrass your husband.

It's the going forward on faith advice - it could all be good, it could all be bad, but if you love him and trust him, what else can you do ... just put your heart out there again. Keep talking to him so the communication doesn't shut down.

I would find this one really hard to be honest and I think you're doing a great job of handling it. I'd probably freak out and not be as understanding and calm as you. That shows great character and maturity so I think whatever happens, now or in the past, you will be ok.

As time goes on it will become an issue that fades away if nothing happens, and you can move on. Allow yourself this time to think and feel and work through it


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Is his story believable to you? I'd question it because these two things seem to contradict each other:



> We have been together for 5 years, and t*his happened before we were in a serious relationship*.





> Shortly after marriage I found a text message in his phone, he was acting moody one night, we had a friend visiting from another country, with our god children, so I went through his phone, and *there was a message from someone he experimented with* (he did not follow through, and his response was sorry man, I just got married)


So, if his experimentation happened before you were in a serious relationship (5 years ago), why is he getting a text offering to hook up *now *from someone he had experimented with 5 years ago? That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I'd have a lot of questions about the timing of his experiments and that text.

Purely anecdotal and in my experience attending a very liberal university and living in San Francisco for years, I know there are a lot of women who experiment with other women, and it doesn't mean they prefer women. I'm not sure it works the same way for men. Like, a man would not experiment with another man unless they were at least bisexual or perhaps gay. I think there is more of a social conditioning thing that would inhibit men from experimenting purely from curiosity rather than actual preference.

If he's bisexual, I don't think he's more likely to cheat. His ethics and morals and commitment to you would dictate that, not his bisexuality. But if he's gay, it will be hard for him to give up men since that is his underlying preference.

I'd have a lot of questions about all this.


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## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

I too had questions about the timing of the text, and we live in a Military town. His answer to why this guy is contacting him all of these years later was that he moved away with the military and must have moved back...the text message was pretty short however, and my husband did not question the man, He simply answered that he was married now. There had been no past text from the individual unless they had been deleted out, but I am going to have to guess this one has not happened, my husband is pretty lazy when it comes to things of that nature, he does not take the time to delete emails, text messages, etc. If he were going to cover his tracks and delete things, I would assume I would have never seen this message based on past experiences from my ex husband.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The arrousal to gay porn is probably the best indication of his sexual orientation. Homosexual men are arroused by men only. 

Does your husband look at homosexual porn exclusively? If so, he is most likely homosexual. Homosexual men are not all effeminate.. If he is attracted to men exclusively he is not attracted sexually to you. as you know, homosexual men marry and have kids to hide their sexuality. 

He hid a big part of himself from you. That means he is the type of man that can be deceptive and chooses to manipulate people. He did not give you the choice to accept or reject him by letting you know him, he manipulated your choice to marry him. 

I think the deception and manipulation are indication of his character. If he can perpetrate such a massive deception he can decieve you again..if he is exclusively gay and deceptive the possibility that he will cheat with men is likely high. 

This puts you in danger both pychologically and physically. You have to be concerned with STD, not just AIDS. You have been married for a short period of time. Consider carefully how you want to live in the future. 

You can leave now or have a marriage with a man you don't know and who is deceptive and manipulative. If he is homosexual he is using you as a cover. You have two kids so there is more than yourself to consider. You are their primary support, will you be able to care for them and live in suspense at the same time. 

I don't understand the "I don't beleive in divorce" belief. God gives us all free choice, your husband has the choice to decieve and manipulate and you have the choice to stay in a situation that may be painful in the future. God cannot protect you from that and at the same time give you both free choice. 

It is up to you to act in faith and protect yourself from evil. It seems foolish to take divorce off of the table. You married under false pretenses you have a right to an annulment. I included the link for your consideration. 

Study Suggests Difference Between Female And Male Sexuality
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> The arrousal to gay porn is probably the best indication of his sexual orientation. Homosexual men are arroused by men only.
> 
> Does your husband look at homosexual porn exclusively? If so, he is most likely homosexual. Homosexual men are not all effeminate.. If he is attracted to men exclusively he is not attracted sexually to you. as you know, homosexual men marry and have kids to hide their sexuality.
> 
> ...


if you trust him that he won't cheat on you with a woman, i don't understand why you don't trust him with a man?

have you suggested seeing a therapist about this? it sounds like the fear might come from a stigma that you have about homosexuality more generally?

everyone's sexuality is unique... to just assume that he is either 'gay' or 'bisexual' or 'straight' is pointless really - the only thing that matters is if you choose to be with each other, and you trust each other. now if there is reason to doubt that, then that is different... but nothing you have said indicates you doubt his trust...


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## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

Is it really deceitful to not tell certain things about ones past though? I mean I did not tell him about experimenting with a female after my divorce until this came up...I mean we talked about the standard things, how many people have you been with and whatnot, but neither of us asked who... so I would not say he was being deceitful by omitting this part of his past, maybe embarrassed..

He does not exclusively watch gay porn, I am not sure he "watches" it at all, he downloaded it while going through the curiosity phase, there is also straight porn, and any of the porn he had from his single days was straight porn, and nothing out of the ordinary. I honestly think he just never deleted it off of his hard drive, as I stated earlier he is kind of lazy when it comes to cleaning up his computer...lol. 

We have a very active sex life, and he does not try anything out of the ordinary...I feel he is very attracted to me, he never has trouble getting aroused and we have sex just about daily...


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

seeking answers said:


> Is it really deceitful to not tell certain things about ones past though? I mean I did not tell him about experimenting with a female after my divorce until this came up...I mean we talked about the standard things, how many people have you been with and whatnot, but neither of us asked who... so I would not say he was being deceitful by omitting this part of his past, maybe embarrassed..
> 
> He does not exclusively watch gay porn, I am not sure he "watches" it at all, he downloaded it while going through the curiosity phase, there is also straight porn, and any of the porn he had from his single days was straight porn, and nothing out of the ordinary. I honestly think he just never deleted it off of his hard drive, as I stated earlier he is kind of lazy when it comes to cleaning up his computer...lol.
> 
> We have a very active sex life, and he does not try anything out of the ordinary...I feel he is very attracted to me, he never has trouble getting aroused and we have sex just about daily...


you have sex daily
you love him
you trust him

i think you have answered your own questions - think about it!

it is not deceitful at all. when we enter a relationship we don't expect the other person to tell us every single thing they have regretted in their life. we also don't want a sexual history - i would not want to know upon entering a relationship that he used to enjoy getting tied up bound and whipped by the next door neighbour (hypothetical of course)


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## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

It is not even that I do not trust him with a man, just that with all of the events with my friends father in law I guess it has me worried what the future could and I am sure I am just making myself crazy right now, I do trust him, he has never given me a reason not to, even when I confronted him about finding the text message he was very open and honest with me, and after finding out about my friends father in law, I had a conversation with him again and told him my fears, and he said I did not have anything to worry about, he does not want to be with men, and after hearing about friends father in law that scared the crap out of him and it is not something he would ever do again. He thinks he just tried it because it was taboo, and seemed exciting, but really wan not in the end.

I do not have a stigma about homosexuality, I have several friends who are gay, men and women (more men actually) and I do not have a problem with their lifestyle, I would only have a problem if it were my husband in this lifestyle.


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## seeking answers (Feb 12, 2012)

Sound of the Sphere, I think you are right, I think I have answered my own questions, it has been great to have someone to talk to about his, since I cannot talk to anyone we know!


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

It started when a friend of mine, a girl who is bisexual said to me "Everyone is bisexual". I thought about it and thought about myself. I felt good at the time about reaching a high level of sexual openness and being very comfortable with my own sexuality. I felt completely straight but I asked myself "With my openness and curiosity would I be able to enjoy sex with a man physically?". The answer I gave myself at that time was positive. 

I kept that on my mind and I joked to myself that "now I know a bit about how a virgin girl feels. Like a virgin girl I want my first time to be special."

Fast forward after the fact and here is what I have learned from personal experience: 

- I did have the capacity to feel pleasure with a member of the same sex
- being straight means that sex with a girl involves an emotional connection on my side which was missing otherwise so the act itself felt empty 
- i felt that I had satisfied my curiosity and felt no need to pursue the issue further

As such in your case I would look at his emotions during lovemaking with you and emotions during interactions with guys. It is highly likely that his experimenting was just that and there is little to worry about. 

Similarly with your experience with another woman. You likely followed your curiosity and desire for adventure, noticed it felt "weird" or "empty" and moved on.


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