# Is it too late?



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I'm considering seeing a therapist, but as I don't have infinite amounts of money, real experience is perhaps even better...

My H and I have been married for 6 years, together for 13. I met him when I was young and he was my first serious relationship.

He cheated on me repeatedly during our dating life. I was young and he made me feel like I'd never find anyone better. Didn't help that every man I've ever dated has cheated.

He talked me out of dropping out of college because I had a good job and "we need the money". We bought a house together. I've always made more than him. He placed an ad on AFF and I attempted to break up with him. My attorney said we'd have to file divorce [even though we hadn't actually gotten married b/c of family laws in our state], I'd have to evict him from the house or leave myself [house in my name] and basically - all that took so long to get started ($$) that he refused to leave and wore me down.

A couple years later, because I was getting older and I wanted to have children, we got married. A year later, unexpectedly, I got pregnant. Things were still going okay and we had another baby. So now we have a 4 year old and a 2 year old.

Now - for the real issues... he's always been into swinging, which I've never really been into - but I've done it because I wanted him to be happy. I've refused to allow him to have sex with OW though. He's always pushed me to have sex with men that I'm not attracted to. Last year, a man who I've known for years admitted he was attracted to me and that he knew about our "alternate lifestyle". I was attracted to him as well and he approached my H. I talked to him, with H's encouragement, over text and H sent pictures and videos, etc. After he and I had sex, H because very jealous and told me I couldn't talk to him anymore. H accused me of having an affair with this man and said he suspected I had before. Completely untrue.

Then I find that H has cheated, again. I tell him I want a divorce. He threatens to kill himself. His dad killed himself a few years ago. I get scared. What if its not just an idle threat? I don't want to raise my children without a father - he is a really good father.

He commits to being a better H. I feel like my love for him died that day I discovered the affair. 

I have an affair. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right - I was angry and emotionally divorced, but felt trapped. He discovered it shortly after it happened. I ended it.

I stay for my children and because I'm scared of what he could do to himself (or the boys) if I leave. Part of it is financially motivated. Neither makes much and neither could afford our mortgage by ourselves. Neither can we afford to pay the mortgage and rent on an apartment so that we could try a trial separation. I either have to leave and uproot my children or stay.

He's very controlling, wants us to be together 24/7, when all I want to do is scream "GO AWAY!!". He travels for a week out of the month and I can't wait for him to leave for the airport. It's not that I don't like him... I just still feel trapped and like I will never love him the same way I did. He acts as though I'm the only one who did anything wrong and that I need to make amends. I really don't feel like I should make amends because I am the one who wants the divorce and he essentially forced me to stay.

I feel like I'm in a no-win situation and I'm just not sure which is the bigger loss...


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

it sounds like neither one of you were ready for a committed relationship. It's obviously more difficult because there are children involved.

I feel like I'm missing parts of your story. You were unhappy, but got married, then had 2 children, now it's bad again? I'm not sure if this is great advice but the phrase "it's never too late" comes to mind. As in, it's never too late for you to be happy. If your love for him died, I'm worried about it being too late for you to be happy in your marriage.

It sounds like you are financially stable and holding the cards. If you still want the divorce, I say you proceed. If you have any doubts, would he go to marriage counseling?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

It seems like you have several issues that need addressed. I think therapy would be a really good idea.

It sucks to feel powerless and that things are out of your hands, maybe therapy can help you get your power back and make you feel more confident about making decisions that are BEST for you and your kids.

Good luck!


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

bluebeauty said:


> I feel like I'm missing parts of your story. You were unhappy, but got married, then had 2 children, now it's bad again? I'm not sure if this is great advice but the phrase "it's never too late" comes to mind. As in, it's never too late for you to be happy. If your love for him died, I'm worried about it being too late for you to be happy in your marriage.
> 
> It sounds like you are financially stable and holding the cards. If you still want the divorce, I say you proceed. If you have any doubts, would he go to marriage counseling?


I don't know if we've ever really been "happy". Just content with the way things were. Comfortable... it was easier to just stay in with my head in the sand than to scratch, kick and claw my way out.

We went to MC before we got married and we'd be "comfortable" through the whole week, MC would start a huge fight, we'd fight for 2 days, then back to comfortable.

He suggested MC this time... but I don't really care enough to try. I'm sure that I'm emotionally divorced already. It's just a matter of getting him to accept it and let me go without too much collateral damage. I've scheduled an appt with a IC for myself next week.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> I don't know if we've ever really been "happy". Just content with the way things were. Comfortable... it was easier to just stay in with my head in the sand than to scratch, kick and claw my way out.


This sounds so familiar  "Content and comfortable"...sighs...not saying we shouldn't want comfortable, but not taking care of issues when they come up, because we're content is not good.

You say you feel emotionally divorced? I understand totally. I still cry about it all the time though, and I'm not even D. It's like I'm mourning over something that's not gone yet...do you have similar feelings?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

At this point, I'm past the tears stage. Except when I think about things my children will miss out on. H and I had "the talk" last night. He says he knew it was coming for at least 3 weeks. We couldn't commit to a divorce or a separation though. I couldn't seem to get the words out. It was late, we were in bed and I was scared about how he would react.

Seeing the MC today at 1 - by myself. I just need some guidance on how to proceed. As I told him last night, I feel like a year ago, when I was ready to start fresh (again), and to open up my e-mail and find out that the night before he'd been responding to sex ads on CL, something in me just snapped - my "give a damn" busted - and I can't fix it and have no desire to fix it. My only concern at this point is the kids.


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## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

My H and I have been having the talk for over a year, it just always seems to get swept under the rug..I've been sticking to my guns now though.

We're here for you. Update your forum or PM me, I'd like to know how everything is working out for you


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Right after I posted that this morning, my BEST FRIEND and confidante over the last year e-mailed me the following:

_I am sorry. 

I'm about to tell you something. Something big. Something I should have told you a year ago This is something that eats at my heart and soul every single day of my life. 

Last year, I slept with your husband. I betrayed you, then I befriended you. And I have wanted to tell you so many times, but I didn't want to hurt you, but I have hurt you in the fact that you have been just beat down with guilt from him, when you should have known the truth. I don't know who I was when I did that to you, and I am truly sorry, from the bottom of my heart. It is time that you know. You are one of the most special people that I have ever known, and I think that you deserve more than what life is handing you right now. You deserve friends that would never do this to you. I did, and there is no excuse for it. I was messed up in the head when I did it, and it has messed me up in the head ever since I did it. I know that I am going to lose your friendship over this, and rightfully so. I wanted you to hear it from me. This is something that I ask forgiveness for every single night. I love you as a person and as a friend, and I am so sorry. I hope one day, you can find it in your heart to forgive me, although I know that is not likely. I don't know that I could._

Husband confirmed it. I filed for divorce an hour ago.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OMG!!! I am so sorry to hear that!!! (about the friend).

I think you have mad ea very WISE decision to divorce this man. It does not seem he was ever committed to you since he was cheating from the start, using websites to solicit sex, wanted you to swing, held you to a different standard, and... then had sex with your best friend. Ugh. 

Get away from this man completely--as much as you can aside from co-parenting. If he's threatened to kill himself, be wary of him in that he may try to do you or the kids harm. Protect your children first and foremost. 

Did you write her back?

I am sending you a MASSIVE hug. I can't imagine the pain you are in but do know, you deserve SO much better (friends and husband) and you will be so much better off without these parasites in your life. Promise.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I cut both of them out of my life - except for co-parenting.

He blames her completely. I told him that for his children's sake, he needs to grow up, be a man, and take responsibility for his own actions. He doesn't drink, so he doesn't have the excuse that it was a one-time drunken mistake. No. It was over the course of at least a month and "more than a few times" according to her.

He told me that he really loves me and is willing to forgive everything I've done if I'm just willing to try. I told him that I didn't want his kind of love anymore. 

I've always had issues trusting female friends, for just this reason... and she knew that. So her betrayal hurt worse than his, surprising enough.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm not suprirsed he blames her completely. Most people who are selfish and lack accountability do that. Know that even if you were to reconcile, until he owned his part of the betrayal, you would be battling uphill. 

Did you ever respond to her? 

Sorry to hear about your trust with females--just be advised not all of your girlfriends will be cads like she was. And not all men would be a$$holes like your stbx. You are right to remove yourself from the situation.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Yes. I have texted and spoken with her. I've gotten all the answers I think I can from her and I'm not going to contact her again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cool beans. At least you found out what you wanted and can move forward. Slice them both out of your life (well besides him with co-parenting concerns).


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