# Emotional Affair



## chipper (May 11, 2012)

I found out my W of 18 years had emotionally checked out on our marriage about 9 months ago. She met the OP at her place of employment, he would go for state mandated drug screening as part of his "release". I pick up on something being off when she asked me one day about how she would look up court proceedings. She had told me his name at that time and I found it very odd that she would be concerned about one of the offices patients. I asked her about it and she called me crazy that the whole office was wondering. I let it go. About a month later she would constantly be on her phone texting and she would always be very careful with how her phone was positioned so as to keep it shielded from me. One morning while she was in the shower, I could not help but go through her phone, and I saw texts to a random number. There was nothing devastating, but things like "cant talk right now", "babe are you there?" So I confronted her and she said it was a girl from work, and I asked about the "Babe" comment and she explained it away as that's what she calles everyone (not that I have ever heard it). But for some reason I felt ok with her explanation of the texts. Shortly there after I went on a business trip, normally she would be very clingly and upset that I was leaving, this time it didn't bother her what so ever. I went on my trip and was gone for a week, our communication was very little, not for my lack of trying, she wouldnt respond or once on the phone it seemed as if she wanted off ASAP! It really bothered me and I asked her and again I was crazy!!! I got home and it didnt even really seem to effect her. I was really in a rough spot and I knew something was wrong, but she denied, denied, denied! Then about a week after I got home, she received a text at about 2am, that she checked and responded to. The next morning I checked our phone records and got the number, and saw this same number over and over and over again, all hours of the night, all hours of the day. So I called it, 3 times no answer and I couldn't understand the Voicemail. Finally the OP called the number showing on his phone (my work #) and got the receiptionist, he wanted to know who was calling him, he thought maybe it was for a job, so she asked his name and gave it to me wondering if I had his name for a job. When I heard the name I knew I had heard it before, but I couldn't put it together, then it hit me! It was the guy that was going in for state mandated drug screens. I confronted her and him and both denied there was any physical contact they were just friends (I did however find out that we were having issues in the bedroom.........NEWS TO ME!!). She vowed the contact would stop, but it didn't it was on and off for another month or so, she contemplated separation. I saw journaling and emails that said she finds herself thinking about him and wishing he wanted her. She claims that she shut down one night when I walked out on her over her accusing me of slapping a girls butt in front of her (I tried to explain what happened, but she told me to get the F away). she says that was her breaking point and that she has not been right sense. She also has made claims of sexual abuse by her father, a cousin and a neighbor which she has claimed before and I have no doubts are true. I admit I prob. didn't do the right thing by walking out, but I wanted to hit a nerve with her as she has a severe jealous streak. She says she is here and trying to make it work, we both are going to counseling but have no couples counseling yet as our counselors feel we need to fix ourselves first. I dont feel like a repair is being made. We feel like most times we are roommates, Intimacy has all but gone out the window. I try and get close, but I feel like shes pulling away, it's almost like I have lost my "Game". We are intimate normally on her terms, which prob. stems from my feeling turned away a lot of times. I don't know necessarily what I'm looking for, I quess ranting helps though. All I know is I need my wife back, I miss what we had.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry you're here.

Are you 100% sure the contact has been cut between your wife and OM?

Any proof of it going physical? Cheaters lie so don't believe them saying otherwise.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Assume physical affair. Other than cheater's words, there are no hints to the contrary.

She wasn't clingy before your trip because she was anxious to see her lover.

Get STD tested.


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Sorry your wife is so abusive. You know the tip of the iceberg. This went physical, I'd bet my life's savings.
Ask her to submit to a polygraph and see how she reacts. This will tell you volumes.


----------



## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

chipper said:


> I found out my W of 18 years had emotionally checked out on our marriage about 9 months ago. She met the OP at her place of employment, he would go for state mandated drug screening as part of his "release". I pick up on something being off when she asked me one day about how she would look up court proceedings. She had told me his name at that time and I found it very odd that she would be concerned about one of the offices patients. I asked her about it and she called me crazy that the whole office was wondering. I let it go. About a month later she would constantly be on her phone texting and she would always be very careful with how her phone was positioned so as to keep it shielded from me. One morning while she was in the shower, I could not help but go through her phone, and I saw texts to a random number. There was nothing devastating, but things like "cant talk right now", "babe are you there?" So I confronted her and she said it was a girl from work, and I asked about the "Babe" comment and she explained it away as that's what she calles everyone (not that I have ever heard it). But for some reason I felt ok with her explanation of the texts. Shortly there after I went on a business trip, normally she would be very clingly and upset that I was leaving, this time it didn't bother her what so ever. I went on my trip and was gone for a week, our communication was very little, not for my lack of trying, she wouldnt respond or once on the phone it seemed as if she wanted off ASAP! It really bothered me and I asked her and again I was crazy!!! I got home and it didnt even really seem to effect her. I was really in a rough spot and I knew something was wrong, but she denied, denied, denied! Then about a week after I got home, she received a text at about 2am, that she checked and responded to. The next morning I checked our phone records and got the number, and saw this same number over and over and over again, all hours of the night, all hours of the day. So I called it, 3 times no answer and I couldn't understand the Voicemail. Finally the OP called the number showing on his phone (my work #) and got the receiptionist, he wanted to know who was calling him, he thought maybe it was for a job, so she asked his name and gave it to me wondering if I had his name for a job. When I heard the name I knew I had heard it before, but I couldn't put it together, then it hit me! It was the guy that was going in for state mandated drug screens. I confronted her and him and both denied there was any physical contact they were just friends (I did however find out that we were having issues in the bedroom.........NEWS TO ME!!). She vowed the contact would stop, but it didn't it was on and off for another month or so, she contemplated separation. I saw journaling and emails that said she finds herself thinking about him and wishing he wanted her. She claims that she shut down one night when I walked out on her over her accusing me of slapping a girls butt in front of her (I tried to explain what happened, but she told me to get the F away). she says that was her breaking point and that she has not been right sense. She also has made claims of sexual abuse by her father, a cousin and a neighbor which she has claimed before and I have no doubts are true. I admit I prob. didn't do the right thing by walking out, but I wanted to hit a nerve with her as she has a severe jealous streak. She says she is here and trying to make it work, we both are going to counseling but have no couples counseling yet as our counselors feel we need to fix ourselves first. I dont feel like a repair is being made. We feel like most times we are roommates, Intimacy has all but gone out the window. I try and get close, but I feel like shes pulling away, it's almost like I have lost my "Game". We are intimate normally on her terms, which prob. stems from my feeling turned away a lot of times. I don't know necessarily what I'm looking for, I quess ranting helps though. All I know is I need my wife back, I miss what we had.


One quick comment about what you said at the end "I miss what we had". What you had was not working -- both of you need help and to make changes IMO.


----------



## chipper (May 11, 2012)

Beleive me I have the feeling that it very well could have gone physical. For me either way it's devastating! As for being positive the contact has ended, no I'm not 100% positive. She changed all passwords after I checked her email and found some emails back and forth between her and OP. I have checked the phone records and his number is blocked, but it could be under another. I confront and I feel like the bad guy, I'm always trying to please, you figure I would learn!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you guys have sex since the business trip? It most likely went physical then. 

What kind of phone does she have? And competent is she with the tech stuff?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Start preparing yourself for divorce


----------



## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Don't confront. Just file if she will not comply with your requirements. STD testing, a NC letter and a polygraph should be among them.


----------



## chipper (May 11, 2012)

jh52 said:


> One quick comment about what you said at the end "I miss what we had". What you had was not working -- both of you need help and to make changes IMO.


Right, we haven't always been the perfect couple, but we always were very close. I know it doesn't make it right. What I don't understand is why the counselors feel we need to fix ourselves first, and why the marriage cannot be worked on at the same time. A lot of my issues stem from wanting to keep the peace, I hate rocking the boat. But in the end it leads to a lot of stress and anxiety (I'm 38 and have 2 BP Meds, and 2 anxiety meds), mainly because I cant say no even when I know it will lead to turmoil (Insanity) I think is what you call it!!


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Install a keylogger on the computer she uses. ASAP.

Which phone does she use?


----------



## chipper (May 11, 2012)

keko said:


> Install a keylogger on the computer she uses. ASAP.
> 
> Which phone does she use?


Right now an Ipod she had a blackberry


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You mean iPhone?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Damn!! You cannot recover texts from Blackberry. How long has she been using a Ipod?(iphone)


----------



## chipper (May 11, 2012)

Yes Iphone, she has had that about 2 or 3 weeks now.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

*nice guy alert!!!*


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

are you tech savy?

if yes, Way to retrieve deleted text messages from iphone - Truth About Deception

if not, iphonbackupextractor.com 

on the computer she plugs her phone to.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry time you face 2 facts:

1. It went physical when you where gone, and likely in your own bed
2. It's likely underground.

Her changing her passwords is sp she can continue the affair. If she was trying to earn a place back in the marriage she would have wanted you to see it has stopped.

Assume it's still on. Get a VAR in her car along with a god tracker on the car. Get those passwords if you can.

Find out everything you can about the guy , where he lives, works, hangs, what he was in prison for. Hire a PI , he might just catch your wife hooking up with him before/after/during work.

Her fence sitting is her telling you she's trying him out before dumping you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

chipper said:


> Right, we haven't always been the perfect couple, but we always were very close. I know it doesn't make it right. What *I don't understand is why the counselors feel we need to fix ourselves first, and why the marriage cannot be worked on at the same time.* A lot of my issues stem from wanting to keep the peace, I hate rocking the boat. But in the end it leads to a lot of stress and anxiety (*I'm 38 and have 2 BP Meds, and 2 anxiety meds*), mainly because I cant say no even when I know it will lead to turmoil (Insanity) I think is what you call it!!


Ok, as far as fixing yourselves vs the marriage...if you don't fix yourself first, then the problems YOU have will continue affecting the marriage. And, it could undermine all you are trying to do to fix it... That's why the counsellor says "fix you first"

Second.... *GOOD GOD!* TWO BP meds and TWO anxiety meds??? By sitting back and "keeping the peace" you are a making yourself worse. You are rug sweeping, my friend. And If you continue this way, you are a heart attack waiting to happen! Now, fixing yourself is how you fix this as well. It is possible that once you get to the root of it, your meds could be reduced, and the marriage can be fixed...IF IF IF that is the path you choose.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

That after all this she changed passwords means the affair is still ongoing. One hundred percent.

Do not demand the passwords now, install a keylogger to see what they are chatting about.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried outing the affair at work? There has got to be conflict of interest by a tester dating a drug patient.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you tried outing the affair at work? There has got to be conflict of interest by a tester dating a drug patient.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:OOOOOO GOOD CALL!!!:smthumbup:


----------



## chipper (May 11, 2012)

All good points. Very rarely does she connect her phone via computer, and she does 99% of her surfing via iphone. The OP did time in FL and our home state for assault and battery, domestic, and theft, I know where he lives and as far as I know he doesn't work.

I understand that "fixing ourselves" needs to be done, but I feel like the marriage has been shelved and the couple issues are "ok" to be left alone. I want to fix this, and my feeling is if the couple issues are left alone, the animosity will grow and it will only be harder to repair.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You cannot fix it while the affair is a live. It's still alive in your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You cannot fix it while the affair is a live. It's still alive in your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fixing the marriage can only BEGIN after the betrayer reliquishes all hope for their affair partner. As long as that hope remains alive, they will not be honest in counseling, they will not share their innermost feelings with you, and they will not put the effort in. Fixing a marriage is HARD WORK and if a spouse has already chosen the easy way out by engaging in an affair, what makes you think they will suddenly reengage at the stage that she's in?

You cannot nice someone out of an emotional affair. You cannot beg, plead, cry, etc. and you cannot be increasingly loving. That stuff worked when you were romancing her at the beginning of the relationship, but each stage of a relationship has its own dynamic. In the "affair stage" (yuck, hate saying that), being nice and loving is actually repulsive to a cheating wife. Counterintuitive, I know. But you'll figure this out for yourself soon enough.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think your wife would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? You have to assume it went physical and the both of you need to be tested for STD's.

Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you and your marriage and you are afraid to stand up to her. This will always lead to failure. My friend if you do not respect yourself then who will?

It also may be a good idea to talk to a lawyer just to understand your options. It will also empower you. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Cheaters follow a script. It really is remarkable how similar they all act. Look at some of these other threads on this forum and you will see. Your wife is following the cheater's script to a T. She is at the part of the script where she has been found out but has lied about the extent of the affair and may have taken it deeper underground.

All cheaters lie about the affair. The truly remorseful ones are blubbering crying messes begging for forgiveness. The ones who are trying to continue it act like your wife.

First you need the truth about the extent of the affair and whether or not it is continuing. Tell her that her story is not believable. Tell her that all the facts add up to them having a physical affair and that the affair is continuing. This includes them having access to each other, her changing passwords, and the way she is acting. Stand your ground and demand the truth. Your wife's story is possible, but not believable. Explain to her that no reasonable person would believe her story based on the facts. Based on that, she should understand why you don't believe her and why you need her to take a polygraph to find out if the affair was physical and if it is continuing.

If she refuses, tell her you will file for divorce. Then do it. Let me warn you. No offense meant, but you are a doormat. Your wife will never believe you are going to file for divorce. She will think she can continue to have her way. She is used to manipulating you and always getting her way. You will have to actually file in order for her to believe it and help her snap out of it. You can always stop the divorce if she comes clean and meets your conditions. You are going to have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.

Another warning: Prepare for divorce. It is a good possibility that you may lose your marriage no matter what you do. You do not control your wife. You only control you. She may be done with your marriage anyway or may want the other man so much that she refuses to come back to the marriage. You can only control what you do, how you handle it. Don't let her disrespect you and treat you like a doormat anymore. Handle it with dignity and self-respect. If you file for divorce and she doesn't want to reconcile, you are better off knowing sooner rather than later so you can minimize the months or even years of lying and cheating and move on with your life.

Other conditions you should impose for a reconciliation: No contact with the other man. She should handwrite the other man a "no contact" letter stating how horribly ashamed she is about her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking her marriage and husband, which are the most important things in the world to her, and if the other man attempts to contact her, she will file charges against him for harassment then give it to you for mailing.

She should not have any contact with him related to her job. She must give up his case or switch jobs.

She should give you access to all communication devices and passwords to all accounts and let you know her whereabouts at all times.

If she refuses any of these conditions, tell her you will file for divorce, then do it.

Also, if she refuses your conditions, expose the affair to her and your families, any wife/girlfriend of the other man, if not to his family, friends, parents, siblings, and also to her job (assuming she is misusing work time to carry on the affair and that it is a breach of ethics to get involved in a relationship with a client). Do not tell her you are going to do this, when the time comes just do it. Let them know what you know, the extent of the texts, your wife's admissions, and that you want their support in saving your marriage.

I don't think you will do these things yet. You do not seem ready. Look at some of these other threads. Notice how what you have done, and what you are planning to do, has not worked. You cannot negotiate her back into the marriage. You cannot "nice" her back into the marriage. You have to stand up for yourself and stop being disrespected. Tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control you. But if she doesn't want to work on the marriage by doing the things you need to help you heal from her affair, you will leave the marriage.


----------

