# Does your husband keep his promises?



## spottedzebra

I just found this forum and I can't hold it in anymore! 

So the husband and I have been married 10 years. We got married because after two years of dating, he didn't seem like he wanted the relationship to go anywhere fast, while I was tired of waiting for him to propose. So one night, we had a huge fight, and he showed up a couple of hours later with a hastily-bought ring from a cheap jewellery shop and asked me to marry him. I was so relieved that he'd finally asked that it didn't occur to me to question the knee-jerk nature of the proposal.

So here I am, 10 years on, and still resenting the fact that he put zero thought into how he was going to ask me to marry him, and has so far never honoured a single one of his promises to buy me a nicer ring for our anniversary. It seems like such a petty thing, but it's a hallmark of our marriage - he says he'll do something, and then it never happens. It's making me lose all respect for him. He still tells me that "the jeweller is working on your ring", but I've long ceased to hold my breath for it or any other promise that he makes me. I'll believe it when I see it.

I think what makes it worse is the fact that I'm the complete opposite - when I say I'll get something done, it gets done ASAP. 

Anybody else out there have the same problem?


----------



## WhiteRabbit

My husband keeps the promises he is capable of keeping. Sometimes we make promises that we are unable to keep because the person we're with makes us feel like we can do anything as long as they love us. I don't keep every single little promise I ever made to him bc people change and it's just not possible.

I will say that I could never understand why women get so hung up on a nice wedding ring. My husband practically had a panic attack when we went ring shopping bc he expected me to be like his first wife demanding the biggest and the best. When I chose a smaller ring I could see the respect in his eyes as he knew it wasn't about the wedding and the ring for me like it was with his first.

He proposed to her while drunk and gave her a ring that he maxed out his credit cards to buy. a few years later she went out and bought a huge ring and never wore the other one again...he said he was so hurt by that and never got over it.

Not every marriage proposal is a storybook proposal and not every wedding ring is worth 3 months salary...but that shouldn't be the main focus of the marriage.

Hubby proposed to me in our breakfast room while we were both in our underwear eating eggs n bacon. NOT storybook but I cried with happiness just the same.


----------



## paleview

I think that sometimes what we think and see in life isnt what others see. If he married you - then he loves you. Thats the symbol there. If you really are bothered by this then talk to him - communicate -I am sure if you both are in love then this will just be one small milestone into your long life together.


----------



## AvaTara539

WhiteRabbit said:


> My husband keeps the promises he is capable of keeping. Sometimes we make promises that we are unable to keep because the person we're with makes us feel like we can do anything as long as they love us. I don't keep every single little promise I ever made to him bc people change and it's just not possible.
> 
> I will say that I could never understand why women get so hung up on a nice wedding ring. My husband practically had a panic attack when we went ring shopping bc he expected me to be like his first wife demanding the biggest and the best. When I chose a smaller ring I could see the respect in his eyes as he knew it wasn't about the wedding and the ring for me like it was with his first.
> 
> He proposed to her while drunk and gave her a ring that he maxed out his credit cards to buy. a few years later she went out and bought a huge ring and never wore the other one again...he said he was so hurt by that and never got over it.
> 
> Not every marriage proposal is a storybook proposal and not every wedding ring is worth 3 months salary...but that shouldn't be the main focus of the marriage.
> 
> Hubby proposed to me in our breakfast room while we were both in our underwear eating eggs n bacon. NOT storybook but I cried with happiness just the same.


:iagree:

I don't get why women are hung up on rings either, and I don't see any other talk about how he doesn't keep promises except for this ring situation (maybe you are looking for something to have a problem with, poster?). I got a cubic zirconia ring when I got married and it's exactly what I wanted, you won't see me with some blood slave trade ring on my hand (which is what diamond rings are). I rock CZ and you should look into it because they are so amazing now you can barely tell the difference unless you got out a jeweler's magnifier!


----------



## WhiteRabbit

I have the most amazing cz jewelry and no one can ever tell the difference. 

I actually have gotten into the less traditional ideas for wedding rings...gemstones like rubies and sapphires as a solitaire are just so unique in the bridezilla sea of colorless sparkly diamonds.


----------



## themrs

Just go and buy the ring you want and then tell him, "Thank you for the beautiful ring! You shouldn't have!"

Stop waiting for him to do what he's obviously never going to do. If you want a nicer ring, just go and get one.

But to answer your question, this used to be a BIG deal in my marriage. My husband frequently broke promises. It did make me lose respect and faith in him. After much examination he admitted it was because he was afraid to say No to me. He would just say he was going to do something to get me to stop talking and then he would forget about it as soon as he said it. So, I stopped asking for anything and whatever I wanted I just went out and got. THEN he started to just do things for me and suddenly remembered all the things he said he was going to do. 

Men are weird like that.


----------



## spottedzebra

themrs said:


> Just go and buy the ring you want and then tell him, "Thank you for the beautiful ring! You shouldn't have!"
> 
> Stop waiting for him to do what he's obviously never going to do. If you want a nicer ring, just go and get one.
> 
> But to answer your question, this used to be a BIG deal in my marriage. My husband frequently broke promises. It did make me lose respect and faith in him. After much examination he admitted it was because he was afraid to say No to me. He would just say he was going to do something to get me to stop talking and then he would forget about it as soon as he said it. So, I stopped asking for anything and whatever I wanted I just went out and got. THEN he started to just do things for me and suddenly remembered all the things he said he was going to do.
> 
> Men are weird like that.


Thank you for understanding the point of my post. And to add to what you said, the only time my husband ever does nice things for me of his own accord is right after we have a huge fight. Otherwise, I'm the one who initiates date nights, holidays, and outings with the whole family. Feels like I'm doing all the work, and the least he can do is do what he said he would!


----------



## AvaTara539

Maybe he does "the work" for your marriage in a different way than buying things or planning outings. Maybe his love language is different than yours. Home - Five Love Languages Learning about how each of you express love differently can only benefit your marriage, not just for you but for him too. Good luck.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

AvaTara539 said:


> Maybe he does "the work" for your marriage in a different way than buying things or planning outings. Maybe his love language is different than yours. Home - Five Love Languages Learning about how each of you express love differently can only benefit your marriage, not just for you but for him too. Good luck.


LOVE that book...so helpful


----------



## spottedzebra

AvaTara539 said:


> Maybe he does "the work" for your marriage in a different way than buying things or planning outings. Maybe his love language is different than yours. Home - Five Love Languages Learning about how each of you express love differently can only benefit your marriage, not just for you but for him too. Good luck.


I've read that book, and he has read about the five love languages. He knows what my love languages (quality time, gifts) are, and I his (words of affirmation, physical touch). I don't know if he does it on purpose (ie passive-aggressive), but he is always using HIS love language on me. Which of course, doesn't produce the desired result.


----------



## Trenton

spottedzebra said:


> I just found this forum and I can't hold it in anymore!
> 
> So the husband and I have been married 10 years. We got married because after two years of dating, he didn't seem like he wanted the relationship to go anywhere fast, while I was tired of waiting for him to propose. So one night, we had a huge fight, and he showed up a couple of hours later with a hastily-bought ring from a cheap jewellery shop and asked me to marry him. I was so relieved that he'd finally asked that it didn't occur to me to question the knee-jerk nature of the proposal.
> 
> So here I am, 10 years on, and still resenting the fact that he put zero thought into how he was going to ask me to marry him, and has so far never honoured a single one of his promises to buy me a nicer ring for our anniversary. It seems like such a petty thing, but it's a hallmark of our marriage - he says he'll do something, and then it never happens. It's making me lose all respect for him. He still tells me that "the jeweller is working on your ring", but I've long ceased to hold my breath for it or any other promise that he makes me. I'll believe it when I see it.
> 
> I think what makes it worse is the fact that I'm the complete opposite - when I say I'll get something done, it gets done ASAP.
> 
> Anybody else out there have the same problem?


Initially it's hard to understand the point of your post because you don't take responsibility for saying yes. I find your proposal and him buying the ring real quick sort of cute and romantic myself.

I think the real issue is not the ring though but it's the big example your mind wanders to every time you get frustrated. So it's not about the big ring, it's about the empty promise of a ring that never arrived. 

The thing is, if you never give him a chance, he gets into a pattern of lose/lose. I imagine he loves you but is frustrated that he can't make you happy.

My husband had similar behaviors. It's confusing!

When everything came out as I had gotten to the point of willing to leave him, I learned that a lot of my behaviors were self defeating. I refused to give him a chance to impress me and my husband felt emotionally exhausted and then would do nothing after feeling frustrated that he could never live up to my expectations.

Think about the good qualities your husband has. Are you focusing and magnifying the negative but unwilling to uphold the positive?

I only ask because this was my biggest problem. I was always screaming that it was so unfair but not willing to own my behaviors that upheld our patterns.


----------



## AvaTara539

spottedzebra said:


> I've read that book, and he has read about the five love languages. He knows what my love languages (quality time, gifts) are, and I his (words of affirmation, physical touch). I don't know if he does it on purpose (ie passive-aggressive), but he is always using HIS love language on me. Which of course, doesn't produce the desired result.


:rofl:

We are the same, mine is quality time and 'acts of servitude' (or gifts as you put it, I am more likely to do things for people than say sweet things to him) and my H is totally words of affirmation and physical touch and he talks to me in HIS language all the time and it so does not work. I however have worked on speaking his language a lot. I made myself a check list (since I am the more analytical) of "touch points", making sure we cuddle in the morning and at night, have sex 'x' amounts of time per week, and I say at least one compliment to him daily. It took a few days to get the hang of it but I'm speaking his lingo now and he's happier. He hasn't really learned to speak mine yet, he still showers me with mushy compliments that make me uncomfortable and is super PDA with me, but he says he's trying.


----------



## Syrum

spottedzebra said:


> Thank you for understanding the point of my post. And to add to what you said, the only time my husband ever does nice things for me of his own accord is right after we have a huge fight. Otherwise, I'm the one who initiates date nights, holidays, and outings with the whole family. Feels like I'm doing all the work, and the least he can do is do what he said he would!


This is one of the reasons I lost respect for my first husband. he hardly ever did things without me organizing them, it made me feel unimportant.

He also bought me things after a fight, I would have much preferred he just did them because he loved me. 

I think you are feeling un appreciated and resentful, and you want your husband to take the initiative and do nice things for you, which is understandable. 

The ring is a symbol of all of that and fair enough.


----------



## spottedzebra

Trenton said:


> Think about the good qualities your husband has. Are you focusing and magnifying the negative but unwilling to uphold the positive?
> 
> I only ask because this was my biggest problem. I was always screaming that it was so unfair but not willing to own my behaviors that upheld our patterns.


I am very sure that I, too, have a lot of behaviours that drive H up the wall, only I'd never know for sure because his way of dealing with problems is to slam the door of his cave firmly shut. In fact, right now, the door of the study (his actual physical cave) is literally locked. I appreciate him a lot for what he does and I speak his love language by telling him. I just wish that once in a while, he'd look up and see that I need some loving too.


----------



## magnoliagal

spottedzebra said:


> I've read that book, and he has read about the five love languages. He knows what my love languages (quality time, gifts) are, and I his (words of affirmation, physical touch). I don't know if he does it on purpose (ie passive-aggressive), but he is always using HIS love language on me. Which of course, doesn't produce the desired result.


Similar dynamic here except flip the roles. HE is the gift guy and I'm the physical touch one. Just curious how much are you meeting his needs?

Not that it matters I second the vote to go buy your own ring. I have a really fabulous fake ring that I love more than my engagement ring and it only cost $40. Take charge and meet your own needs since gifts is easy. My best friend has that as a love language and she jokes she doesn't even need a man now. LOL!!


----------



## spottedzebra

magnoliagal said:


> Similar dynamic here except flip the roles. HE is the gift guy and I'm the physical touch one. Just curious how much are you meeting his needs?


I affirm him every single day - it's amazing how he gets off on it. As for physical touch, I used to give him massages all the time, but recently I haven't been feeling the love much so it's not been happening all that often.


----------



## sisters359

When someone constantly fails to keep their word, it can reduce trust, and hence the love that goes with that trust. My ex constantly broke his word in tiny ways--he'd forget, or not get around to it, or whatever. I too would have to get angry to get a reaction. I told him this was unhealthy for our marriage and I wasn't his mother--I didn't nag, I just asked and would assume (for a couple of years, anyway), that he'd get it--and get to it, whatever it was. I finally gave up. 

OP, please take seriously the problems you are having and get some counseling for the two of you. No one thinks that these things will lead to the end of a marriage, but over time, they do. I'll bet most marriages are broken by these small things repeated 1000x, long before anyone has an affair or leaves. 

The ring just represents your overall frustration--you probably woudn't even think of it it he showed you he cared in ways that you have asked him to show. Good luck.


----------



## marriedwoman

After being married for 10 years.... why not ask him to set a date to take you shopping, so that you can pick out the ring that you want? Then maybe after you purchase it together, he can present it to you in a romantic way? 

Personally, I'm very open in my relationship.... and I don't find anything really wrong for asking for exactly that.

(heck, if you still really want it 10 years down the road, I think you just need to ask for it! ...I'd hate to see you feel like this another year (or 10) down the road)


----------



## Mrs.G

*To each her own...*



AvaTara539 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I don't get why women are hung up on rings either, and I don't see any other talk about how he doesn't keep promises except for this ring situation (maybe you are looking for something to have a problem with, poster?). I got a cubic zirconia ring when I got married and it's exactly what I wanted, you won't see me with some blood slave trade ring on my hand (which is what diamond rings are). I rock CZ and you should look into it because they are so amazing now you can barely tell the difference unless you got out a jeweler's magnifier!


:rofl::rofl:
Wholesale Canadian Diamonds, Engagement Rings, GIA and AGS ideal cut Certified Diamonds, Wedding Bands, Platinum Jewelry direct from Diamond Broker
Canadian Diamonds, Conflict-Free Diamonds Jewelry | Brilliant Earth

Anybody can tell the difference between CZ and diamonds.  If you hold your CZ to a real diamond, there is no comparison.

To each her own.  I would never wear a CZ as an engagement ring. I view diamond rings as a sign of love and commitment. Other stones just don't cut it for me, when it comes to jewelery that will last forever.

People are sensitive to different things. It is not very compassionate to suggest that the OP's complaints are not valid, just because *you *are happy with a CZ. It is hardly unusual for a woman to want the real thing, especially after ten years of marriage! 

I did not get to experience being a real bride; my wedding was too small because we had no money. No bachlerorette party, no bridesmaids, no engagement parties-I was robbed of that dream. My proposal would have been perfect if my husband did not screw it up, by asking impolitely. It took me a long time to get over it, but I did. I HAD to at least get the ring and dress of my dreams, after everything else I sacrificed. Some say that being a bride is overrated, but I wanted it so much. In the end, I decided that my husband was more important than the wedding. Instead of a vow renewal at 5 years, we are taking a luxury Carribean vacation at that time. :smthumbup:

My husband would never promise me diamonds and not give them to me.


----------



## AvaTara539

*Re: To each her own...*



Mrs.G said:


> :rofl::rofl:
> Wholesale Canadian Diamonds, Engagement Rings, GIA and AGS ideal cut Certified Diamonds, Wedding Bands, Platinum Jewelry direct from Diamond Broker
> Canadian Diamonds, Conflict-Free Diamonds Jewelry | Brilliant Earth
> 
> Anybody can tell the difference between CZ and diamonds.  If you hold your CZ to a real diamond, there is no comparison.
> 
> To each her own.  I would never wear a CZ as an engagement ring. I view diamond rings as a sign of love and commitment. Other stones just don't cut it for me, when it comes to jewelery that will last forever.
> 
> People are sensitive to different things. It is not very compassionate to suggest that the OP's complaints are not valid, just because *you *are happy with a CZ. It is hardly unusual for a woman to want the real thing, especially after ten years of marriage!
> 
> I did not get to experience being a real bride; my wedding was too small because we had no money. No bachlerorette party, no bridesmaids, no engagement parties-I was robbed of that dream. My proposal would have been perfect if my husband did not screw it up, by asking impolitely. It took me a long time to get over it, but I did. I HAD to at least get the ring and dress of my dreams, after everything else I sacrificed. Some say that being a bride is overrated, but I wanted it so much. In the end, I decided that my husband was more important than the wedding. Instead of a vow renewal at 5 years, we are taking a luxury Carribean vacation at that time. :smthumbup:
> 
> My husband would never promise me diamonds and not give them to me.


I understand but if you knew what buying diamonds contributed to (slavery for adults and children alike and funding war lords who murder and starve massive amounts of people), you might not want one either. I'm proud to don a CZ (which is not not "the real thing", my marriage is the only thing I should be concerned about being real) not just because it's cheap but because I don't want to contribute to what buying diamonds contributes to. Doesn't mean I look down on others who do but I have a good reason to not wear one myself and I do try to inform people about the topic. IHS Child Slave Labor News :: Diamonds Are Forever, But Not The Lives Of Child Workers


----------



## Mrs.G

*Canadian diamonds...*



AvaTara539 said:


> I understand but if you knew what buying diamonds contributed to (slavery for adults and children alike and funding war lords who murder and starve massive amounts of people), you might not want one either. I'm proud to don a CZ (which is not not "the real thing", my marriage is the only thing I should be concerned about being real) not just because it's cheap but because I don't want to contribute to what buying diamonds contributes to. Doesn't mean I look down on others who do but I have a good reason to not wear one myself and I do try to inform people about the topic. IHS Child Slave Labor News :: Diamonds Are Forever, But Not The Lives Of Child Workers


You did not read the links I posted. 

*CANADIAN DIAMONDS ARE CONFLICT FREE-NO SLAVERY OR CHILD WORKERS AT ALL. * So I do know exactly what I am talking about.  You apparently are not aware, that not all diamonds are blood diamonds.

I ran into a friendly lady at a nail salon. She was talking excitedly about her second fiance and showed me her ring. I could tell immediately that she was NOT wearing a diamond. Of course, I did not mentioned this out of politeness. The woman began to explain that the ring was moissanite and she seemed very happy with it, so more power to her.

I'm glad that you are comfortable with your ring. CZ is a cost effective alternative to diamonds and it still looks nice, albeit not like diamonds at all. I have seen Asha diamonds that look very believable ...no way my husband would spend hundreds for a fake diamond set in gold though.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

The ring issue is obviously one promise out of many that this man has broken. The lack of "nice" ring is representing other things he is neglecting. 

Try not to get hung up on using the ring problem as the representative of all your issues as a couple lest you come off seeming ungrateful for the ring he first gave to you. It's time to start talking to him about the root of your issues rather than harping on lack of huge diamond


----------



## spottedzebra

The ring example seems to have sparked something off. Maybe I should have provided the example of how it has taken a huge fight for him to finally, finally adjust the height of the rails in my closet so that the hems of my dresses do not get crumpled. This is six months after I first asked him nicely to adjust them, and almost one year after I had first requested railings to be fixed at a height that would accommodate dresses when he was planning the renovation of our house.

Yesterday, our cold war finally escalated into a meltdown. I told him I was tired of empty promises, and of disappointment, and of neglect. I also told him that right now, the only reason I am still in this marriage is because of our children. His response was to say that he is very dense and he "doesn't get these things" and that he "takes each day as it comes" - his reason for not fulfilling his word.

I told him again that I wanted us to go for marriage counselling and he said, "If you feel that you need marriage counselling, then fine." I said that clearly sends me the message that HE doesn't think there's anything wrong with our marriage that would necessitate counselling.

The upshot of it is, he asked me to try to find it in my heart to forgive him, and that even if the marriage doesn't survive, he'd still provide for me and the girls (refer to empty promises for an idea of how much faith I have in this statement). But he is arranging for us to see a marriage counsellor. We are still sleeping in the same bed but barely talking. 

Thanks for all your comments on the ring issue. Helps to know people are listening somewhere, somehow.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

He is arranging for you to see a counselor. THAT right there tells me something positive occured from your talk. If he wasn't interested in the counseling thing he wouldn't be the one in charge of scheduling it in my opinion. 

I think that's a step in the right direction. It's not so much that your marriage is bad,it's just that you guys need to learn get the tools for proper communication. He hears you ask him to do things, he thinks you're nagging him and he pushes you off because he isn't hearing how important it is...all he thinks is "she's never satisfied with the things I do."


----------



## spottedzebra

WhiteRabbit said:


> He is arranging for you to see a counselor. THAT right there tells me something positive occured from your talk. If he wasn't interested in the counseling thing he wouldn't be the one in charge of scheduling it in my opinion.
> 
> I think that's a step in the right direction. It's not so much that your marriage is bad,it's just that you guys need to learn get the tools for proper communication. He hears you ask him to do things, he thinks you're nagging him and he pushes you off because he isn't hearing how important it is...all he thinks is "she's never satisfied with the things I do."


Actually I told him that I want him to arrange for MC, but you're right, he wouldn't arrange it if he wasn't interested in working things out.


----------



## WhiteRabbit

I tell my husband to do a lot of things...he only does them if he REALLY wants to do it  think positive and go into counseling with an open mind and heart...if you can do that, you'll get a lot out of the experience.


----------



## ladyybyrd

Nope


----------



## orange

themrs said:


> this used to be a BIG deal in my marriage. My husband frequently broke promises. It did make me lose respect and faith in him. After much examination he admitted it was because he was afraid to say No to me. He would just say he was going to do something to get me to stop talking and then he would forget about it as soon as he said it. So, I stopped asking for anything and whatever I wanted I just went out and got. THEN he started to just do things for me and suddenly remembered all the things he said he was going to do.
> 
> Men are weird like that.


:iagree:

Very, very, very true. My husband said that he just agreed with me because I was 'putting pressure' on him (case in point: cloth nappies, doing more around the house and so on.)

When it comes down to it, you have to be willing to just go out and grab opportunities - get that ring yourself. And make sure you take his bank card with you to the jewellers .


----------



## wemogirl

spottedzebra, I totally get where you're coming from. I have a string of broken promises and "I was going to do such and such but didn't for whatever reason" excuses. Like you, with the closet rails, I had to ask, beg, plead, fight for a year or so to get a shelf put up in the laundry room. It took two years to get a new screen door for our sliding back door so I could listen to the kids outside w/o letting in half the bugs in the neighborhood. And the screen door, he didn't even do - his dad did it one day when he was in town. I've gotten to the point where I won't ask my DH for projects around the house since I got tired of being told he'd do it and it never happened. I just wait until my ILs are in town and ask my FIL (who loves doing little projects for us, fortunately). It wouldn't be so bad if DH would just tell me from the start he isn't planning on doing stuff instead of saying he will and then never doing it.

Your ring story sounds familiar as well. I haven't had a birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas present for at least the last 2 years but he was "going to get something". I could go on and on, but please know you're not alone with this problem. I don't have any advice about how to fix it, though. Right now I'm so sad/frustrated/disappointed with my marriage I'm *trying* to lower my expectations and not get my hopes up when DH says he'll do something. But I'm not there yet, which just sets me up for the disappointment that inevitably follows another broken promise.

I'm glad your DH seems willing to try counseling. Hopefully it's a step in the right direction. ((hugs))


----------

