# Thinking (fantasizing) of cheating to get back



## IGSIMB (Dec 17, 2013)

I know this is not the right thing to do by any means but I have been thinking about getting back at him for treating me porly by flirting possibly getting involved with another man. 

Has anyone experienced this feeling. I know it is unlikely I will actually do anything. But it is sometimes nice to think about it. He treats me bad when having his break downs, calls me names, calls me bad wife and tells me anything I have ever done is meaningless and fcked up, that he needs to go back and fix it. He says hurtful things that puts my self-esteem to zero. I am some what good looking and get passes from other man I never participate but one of these times if my husband treats me bad I might. I know I am supposed to leave and not cheat but leaving at this time is impossible. Don't ask me why. Again I don't think I could do such a thing but the thought has crossed my mind.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

To answer your question,
Many people do experience this desire to cheat, many times it is related to low self esteem. This is actually one of the defining traits of a sociopath (antisocial personality disorder)

For those who are cluster B, what follows is a corrupted self image, shame, lower self esteem, and more discretionary compromises to personal values. The cycle continues until your conscience is numb, and you become one of two ends; a total full on heartless b!tch, treating anybody and everybody with contempt, or like the other 10% of cluster Bs, you off yourself


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

It is a natural feeling when there have been circumstances like those described. Having a feeling is one thing. Actually acting on it is entirely another and crosses, I think, a line of decency and ethical behavior. It smacks of the old eye for an eye approach to life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IGSIMB said:


> I know this is not the right thing to do by any means but I have been thinking about getting back at him for treating me porly by flirting possibly getting involved with another man.
> 
> Has anyone experienced this feeling. I know it is unlikely I will actually do anything. But it is sometimes nice to think about it. He treats me bad when having his break downs, calls me names, calls me bad wife and tells me anything I have ever done is meaningless and fcked up, that he needs to go back and fix it. He says hurtful things that puts my self-esteem to zero. I am some what good looking and get passes from other man I never participate but one of these times if my husband treats me bad I might. I know I am supposed to leave and not cheat but leaving at this time is impossible. Don't ask me why. Again I don't think I could do such a thing but the thought has crossed my mind.


Yes a the vast majority of betrayed spouses have these thoughts. About 50% actually end up having revenge affairs.

Why the thoughts? From my experience, an affair destroys so much of the BS's self esteem and sense of wroth. Plus it shifts the power in the relationship to the cheater. Or at least it feels that way.

I think that fantasies of having revenge affairs are fantasies aimed at re-balancing the relationship. He hurt me.. we'll now he needs to hurt too. 

Your best bet is to not act on any urges to cheat. Few people actually feel better after doing it. Instead in the end destroys your self worth more and makes you as 'dirty' as the original cheater.

It is not true that most people who think about cheating, or even who cheat are sociopaths. Most cheat once because of something being really screwed up in their lives.'

Most cheaters are amateurs, sociopaths are professionals (serial cheaters). There is a huge distinction between the two.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Thought about it? No. Actually went ahead and did it? Yes.

My stupid revenge affair actually made me feel worse thst my wife's affair made me feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

That would be to lowering yourself to the same level as WS. After this, what moral authority you have left? You become as bad as they are.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

From what I have read your husband has not cheated on you. You mainly disagree on whether to adopt kids or not (and now you say he is verbally abusive and insulting).

And to get back at him for this, you feel like cheating ? Really ?

Why don't you just divorce him ? Why become something that is worse than what you say he is ?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I fantasized about digging a hole.... Sorry not what you asked.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

There are times when tit for tat can get your point across. but I am not sure if a revenge affair is one of them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

some times the best revenge is in leaving and creating a life you want, being the person you want to be, and ultimately being with someone who not only loves you but respects you. But that is not going to happen in a hotel room with a stranger.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

If your spouse hasn't cheated on you. Do yourself a favor and just separate or get a divorce. What you are thinking about doing is going to do nothing but cause more problems. Why would you want to lower yourself just to hurt your husband? 
My WW became critical about everything before she went through with her affair. Some of the things she used as excuses were over exaggerated. If you want out, then leave the marriage. Don't become a WS. It is not worth it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

No, I haven't thought of cheating on my WW. My confidence was obliterated, my self esteem at its lowest ever, yet I had no thought or desire to cheat. Intimacy is very special to me, I'm giving a part of myself away, I certainly wouldn't give myself away in such a manner. This is the most special gift you can give your spouse, yourself, how do you just give that away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Why not just tell him your thinking about having a revenge affair? That should hit him like a truck, and its 100% true.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

It ain't called cheating. It's called getting him back. My observation is it trumps telling the AP's spouse and lets your old man know whats in store if he does it again. I'm in favor of every BS getting a free pass.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Rather try to fix your marriage or leave. If he's abusive, as you say he is, the latter is probably the best option. There's little point in bringing another problem into the mix (an affair).


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do you wish to address and attempt to correct the problem or do you desire to compound the situation and make it exponentially worse? The answer to this question should determine your actions.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Behaviours can change, people can't take words back, but they can find the source of that hurt that causes them to hurt others.

You can't take back an affair.

The hurt of enduring is temporal and builds strength, but the harm of betrayal destroys forever.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

IGSIMB said:


> I know this is not the right thing to do by any means but I have been thinking about getting back at him for treating me porly by flirting possibly getting involved with another man.
> 
> Has anyone experienced this feeling. I know it is unlikely I will actually do anything. But it is sometimes nice to think about it. He treats me bad when having his break downs, calls me names, calls me bad wife and tells me anything I have ever done is meaningless and fcked up, that he needs to go back and fix it. He says hurtful things that puts my self-esteem to zero. I am some what good looking and get passes from other man I never participate but one of these times if my husband treats me bad I might. I know I am supposed to leave and not cheat but leaving at this time is impossible. Don't ask me why. Again I don't think I could do such a thing but the thought has crossed my mind.


Try to get back at him or give him a reason to divorce you? I'd leave!!!


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