# Seperated from wife and am Heart Broken



## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

Hi All,

I am new to this forum and this is my first post.

First off I will start out by saying my story is really messed up. I made some mistakes in my life and things seemed to snowball out of control.

A little History about me and my wife. We have been married for 8 years, have two Children, both boys. One is 5 years old the other is two months old. We were happily married for up until september of 2013.

Last year we discussed trying for another kid and sure enough we were pregnant April 2013. Sometime during the pregnancy things started to unwind with us. We both became distant from eachother and kind of did our own things. I am not sure what brought this on. I was into a video game on the PC and would play that lots sometimes ignoring what was going on in the house without relizing it. I got sucked into the game and became very attached to it. During the time between September and December 2013 i became emotionally attached to someone I met on the video game. For some reason I was attracted to someone I never met in Real life. We started to flirt and sext. I was alos caught by my wife during this time sexting and hurt her very very badly. Along comes December and our son was born the day before xmas. My wife was still very resentful from what had happened. We do not make a lot of money. At the time the Baby came we spent most of our money buying gifts for our oldest son. At the same time that did not leave me with really any to buy my wife a gift for xmas which she is to this day very upset with. In Jan of 2014 I took a step back and decided to ask for some space as we had been at eachothers throats since sept. I still helped out with the newborn and the famiy. During this time i stayed with a friend. And was meeting with my wife every day or so to talk. At the tiem i dont know what i was doing. Soul searching trying to find who i was. I dont know but at one point I told my wife I loved her only as a friend, which was a mistake I will have to live with. As i was asking for space to find who I was and better myself I pushed her away from me and we grew apart. I dont remember quite how this next part happened but I had borrowed my wifes laptop for some reason and when i powered it on her facebook was up. I didnt really snoop but just kinda glanced at this guy who was on the screen. For some reason i felt the urge to look at her history on the laptop and found this guys url from his facebook on her history a lot. I got upset and cleared the history and finished using the laptop. I kinda started paying more attention to her actions at this point watching as she kept her cell phone closer than usual acting secretly. I had the urge to check phone records (as I still spent the night a few nights at home to help out with the kids) i would hear her phone go off at all hours of the night which was not normal. i checked the phone records and got the number that had been texting her. I decided to facebook search the number and sure enough the guy that had been on her laptop was the same one texting her at all hours of the night. I dont always make the smartest descicions as you can tell from my story so far. But I decided to check her phone and found some stuff I did not want to see. There was a point the week before I watched the kids so she could go out for a few drinks with friends after work, that night she did not come home till 6am and come to find out she lied to me and just went out with that guy. Also found out that this guy works with her. We got into a argument a few days later and it spirilled out of control quickly as i confronted her about this guy. She was so upset that she actually attacked me. Full blown pushed me into our table, punched me in the eye slapped me and kicked me. I left the house quickly and snatched up her phone on the way out (another bad mistake i made) I was very hurt and upset by what happened. Went back to my friends and get a facebook message from my wife stating she could not beleave that i hit her in front of the kids. I was shocked and asked what the hell she was talking about. I have never struck nor even lifted a finger towards a woman in my life time. I am very against that. She went off on a rant saying she was going to call the cops and that i gave her a black lip etc if i did not give her phone back. I was very shook up by this and decided i needed to get my children out of that house and to take the phone back. When i got to the house sure enough she had a black lip all bleeding. I asked wtf was going on i never hit her. She said that if i gave her phone back she would tell me. I set it in a nutral position between the two of us and she admitted she had struck herself in the lip with her hair brushg several times as she was scared i was going to call the cops since she attacked me in front of my son. During this talk we had turned into an argument. Found out she had been stealing money from her job to purchase pot and had been smoking it at the house when i was not there but the children were. i had her sign a piece of paper admitting that i did not hit her and that she did it to herself. I packed up me and my sons stuff as we argued. I snatched up the phone again on the way out the door and she attacked me again in front of our son, this time bitting me and saying she would tell the cops i held a gun to her head. All in all this whole story is ****ed up... I managed to get me and my oldest child out of the house after being bitten so hard my arm bleed. My son is now deathly afraid of his mother after seeing what she did. She has not seen him since all this happened and has not made the effort to seek some medical attention as to i recomended maybe this was all from post depression. She has yet to make an effort to even see him. Some time goes by and me and her appoligized for everything that happened and agree to try to make things work. I thought things were going smooth for us and that we might actually make it until valentines day weekend. Take a breath this is a ton of **** that happens here..
We decided to spend Valentines together on saturday since she worked friday night. I surprised her friday morning with roses and choclates some coffee and donuts. Took her grocery shopping and to and from work. when she came home from work that night i surprised her again i had decroated the house with valentines day things. had set up some gifts and things i got for her on the kitchen table and covered the mirrors in the house with photos of us and post it notes of everything i love about her. I thought it was a good valentines day even though we were not celebrating till the next day. Along comes saturday i pick her up and decide to take her to khols to get a new outfit to wear for the evening. We both got some clothes and headed back home to get ready. During the day i noticed she was texting on and off but did not say anything as i "thought" we were doing ok. I got a baby sitter for the evening and we headed out for dinner and some drinks. on the car ride over she was being a tad shady and texting on and off. i asked her to shut off her phone so we could enjoy our time together and she agreed but just put it away. Things seemed to be going smooth we got to the place to eat early and went to the bar for some drinks. She had held my hand in the car and kissed me and told me she loved me several times. I was thinking things were going to be ok. The rest of the evening went well we had dinner i gave her a gift made it home safe and had some sexy time. She got into the shower and i was getting ready to go get the kids when her phone went off. I glanced over and saw who it was and decided to take a peak. Glad i did... I took the phone to the car with me actually. My heart sank into my chest as tears rolled down my face as i saw the pictures she sent him of her in the dressing room at khols with the bra and panties i bought her that day. Sexting all day and the past weeks as i looked at the message histroy. She had been sneaking rides to work with him and doing things in his car. To what extent i dont know but the message she sent to him right after we had sex was she could not wait to leave for work early and wear the new panties her husband bought her and attack him in the car. There is so much more that were in the messages. Im just sitting here disgusted writting this out. The thought of another mans hands on my wife makes me sick. so the story is slowly coming to an end, well not end but to where i am in my life right now. we argued all that night about it i confronted her and gave her phone back. she told me she did not love me anymore she admitted to having an affair and i admitted my faults as well having an emotional affair online. The next day we were going to go out for coffee. i come over and her and my new youngest son are no where to be found. used a nifty gps tracker on my phone and found my wifes location texted her and asked where she was. of course another lie saying she was down along the beach town with a friend staying the night. Well GPS does not lie so (again not a smart thing i did here) i decided to follow my gut and go check out this address. I get there and sure enough this guys truck is at the house. and no i did not go to the door lol did not put myself into a bad situation. So i text her said you lied to me i know where your at. I lost all dignity my wife spending the night at another mans house and she had the balls to take our new born son with her! I vommited several times that night thinking about a mans hands on her another man holding or feeding my child. Well the next day she texts me and says she wants to file for seperation so we meet and i respect her wish and sign it. I explained to her I love her unconditionally and dont care what happend i want her back and forgive and forget everything. I admitted my wrong doing and have come to terms what i did had a snoball effect on everything. Now here I am shattered dead inside. A broken family and dont know what to do. I love her with all that I am, and all she can think about is this other guy.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

BHC,

Sorry you are here.

Help us out by breaking your post up into smaller paragraphs. It's tough to read that wall of text 

Your marriage is a debacle. First with your EA/sexting, and now your wife is cheating. Additionally, the violence and abuse in front of the children is unacceptable. 

You cannot love this woman. We don't love people who abuse us, both emotionally and physically. Rather, you are in love with the idealized version of this woman that you've created in your mind. Unfortunately, this woman does not exist. You are attached to her, not in love with her.

It's time to focus 100% on you, and protecting your children.

1.) Talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP. Discuss the fake domestic abuse allegations. Find out what your options are. Start filing for D.

2.) Separate your finances. Don't let her rack up a bunch of debt on joint accounts.

3.) Start to improve yourself. From what you described, you were a crappy husband. Schedule an appointment with a counselor. Start hitting the gym. Improve you.

4.) Carry a VAR on you all the time now. Or perhaps your phone has a "record" option. That way, if she attacks you and then calls the cops, you have proof that she attacked you, and not vice versa.

Regarding her affair:

If you want to end her affair, the best tool is exposure. Tell friends, family, co-workers, etc. If OM has a wife or girlfriend, tell her. In person. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Once they are brought out into the open, they tend to fizzle.

Personally, I don't see anything salvageable with this relationship. There's too much damage done, on both sides. You both need to grow a little, become more mature.

Hang in there. Millions of people have gone through D. It's not the end of the world. In fact, most people are happier when it's all said and done.


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## Goldie1158 (Feb 18, 2014)

BrokenHeartedCoastie said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am new to this forum and this is my first post.
> 
> ...


I feel so bad for you, but moving on you both will be happier. I know it doesn't feel like that now. I want to leave my husband but would never ever cheat. I believe you must put time between relationships. Time to mend even if you are the one that wants to separate.

Myself, I am tired!! Giving up my career, working 70 hours a week for this man's business and I can't get him to put air in my tires. Fix a light, waited 4 years for a faucet. Listening skills, null. Tired of begging for simple things. Minute projects! Pay a bill, he controls the money, 3 weeks of asking. We have it too. 8 years at a bad job! 

Men, listen, not half listen. When your wife speaks something is bothering her. Now, I don't listen to him. He wants to talk to me. Too tired. I don't think I have in me to work so hard for this to work. If I can give 70 hours doing what I don't like, can he give me an hour a week? Time to date, 30 hours maybe? He spent on us. 1000 on friends and fishing in his free time. Not one vacation. Not one house project or chore. 30 pack of beer every couple of days he remembers to pick up!

It's not surprising that men are always surprised to find out the woman wants out! It's because they weren't listening. Don't make the same mistake twice. You will find someone new, do better. Learn, listen and make time together, you won't lose the other person and you will remain close. I am done, tired, done that. I don't want another relationship for a long time. It's always we need to understand our man, his love for his penis. I have no more time the wants and pleasures the man feels he is owed. 

Good luck and please know you will recover and move on. Hopefully both learning something. I do feel awful for you and know that it takes two but communication, consideration and respect is what should always be in place. Something I lived by, but it needs to done by both in a relationship or it won't work, not forever. I am no expert but it's what I believe.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Divorce her. She is unsafe and abusive. She has shown you that she will abuse the system and get you in trouble with the police if you let her. Protect yourself.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You need to carry a recorder with you. 

She will get the police to believe her and you go to jail.

Get out, and get your kids out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well you had an online affair, told her you didn't love her, and then abandoned her with a baby while you got your "space". Very selfish. Is it any wonder she went off the deep end? Maybe the thought of her husband sexting some wh0re online made her sick, have you considered that? According to you she wasn't like this before your affair. Heavy counseling is in order for both of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to have this thread moved to the CWI (coping with infidelity) section where you will get many more people advising you on what to do.

This marriage is over and you need to stop being a nice guy/doormat. 

Carry a VAR with you at all times as she is supremely unstable and you need to not only gather evidence but also protect yourself.

Gather as much evidence as you can and have it stored securely (offsite).

Consult a lawyer and find out what is the best way for you to proceed with divorce and gaining custody.

Start doing the 180 to fix yourself (the folks on CWI can point you at this). There is also a ton of reading material that you can look at.

This is war and she is the enemy. Do not falter in this as there is a lot at stake. The wife you loved and thought you knew does not exist anymore.

Get yourself and children out of there asap (it is preferable for her to move out but I don't think she is going to and it may be too dangerous for you to stay there).

Do not trust anything she says to you from now.

Best of luck!


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## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

I glorified her relationship a bit much and did not really explain mine. I had a online relationship with a woman and told her I loved her, my wife caught me and we faught for months about it. I dont know why I said "I Love you to a person I never met before. I kept the relationship going after my wife caught me as I was still attached to the person. After our son was born there was a point when I asked for some space where I told my wife I loved her only as a friend and did not want to be with her anymore. That is the biggest mistake of my life I have made. I pushed her away and in doing so made her think I did not want to be with her anymore. And because of that I think that is why she did what she did. After I did my soul searching I found myself. Found what I wanted in life and that was to be with her and our family. I made lots of mistakes in this and take the blame. My actions lead to what has happend and there is no excuse for them. I am optimistic and hope maybe we can salvage this. Who knows we could be making the biggest mistake of our lives splitting up. I was her high school sweet heart. I still tell her I love her and I mean it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Document everything that has happened talk to a lawyer and carry a VAR. she's nuts, I would even try to get her committed to a mental hospital she needs help. Don't down play anything to your lawyer, you need to get the kids away. 

She might me suffering from post partrum depression, if she was not like this before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Whew, this is really bad. 

You two need to get into counseling and learn parenting skills. If this is all really new behavior for your wife (the violence, cheating, and general batsh!ttery), she might have postpartum depression. Or, god forbid, postpartum psychosis. She needs to be fully evaluated by her ob-gyn and possibly a psychiatrist. And you definitely need a great deal of counseling and growing up.

Hold off on the time and money you'll spend on lawyers and right now, make sure your wife is ok.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Here, check out this link: Postpartum Depression Symptoms: PPD, Baby Blues, and Postpartum Psychosis


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Goldie1158 said:


> Men, listen, not half listen. When your wife speaks something is bothering her. Now, I don't listen to him. He wants to talk to me. Too tired. I don't think I have in me to work so hard for this to work. If I can give 70 hours doing what I don't like, can he give me an hour a week? Time to date, 30 hours maybe? He spent on us. 1000 on friends and fishing in his free time. Not one vacation. Not one house project or chore. 30 pack of beer every couple of days he remembers to pick up!
> 
> It's not surprising that men are always surprised to find out the woman wants out! It's because they weren't listening. Don't make the same mistake twice. You will find someone new, do better. Learn, listen and make time together, you won't lose the other person and you will remain close. I am done, tired, done that. I don't want another relationship for a long time. It's always we need to understand our man, his love for his penis. I have no more time the wants and pleasures the man feels he is owed.


Plenty of men have gone a long time not really hearing their wife, but who jump to action when they really understand that their marriage is in serious trouble. I don't know if you've tried everything or if you've tried the same thing over and over again, but I bet there's a way to get the message across.

But... The worst thing you can do now is quit. Is he fairly dense when it comes to feelings, etc? He probably has no honest idea of tired you are of it all.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Goldie1158 said:


> I feel so bad for you, but moving on you both will be happier. I know it doesn't feel like that now. I want to leave my husband but would never ever cheat. I believe you must put time between relationships. Time to mend even if you are the one that wants to separate.
> 
> Myself, I am tired!! Giving up my career, working 70 hours a week for this man's business and I can't get him to put air in my tires. Fix a light, waited 4 years for a faucet. Listening skills, null. Tired of begging for simple things. Minute projects! Pay a bill, he controls the money, 3 weeks of asking. We have it too. 8 years at a bad job!
> 
> ...


Goldie, Women and men communicate differently. Believe this. 

When you ask men to listen, make sure you are communicating in manner suited for men to understand. State what you want clearly and directly if you want direct succinct action. If the method of communication is hints, non-verbal stuff and mind reading, it is not going to get the effect you want. 

I am seeing a common theme from both genders on this board. I do it myself. Women are surprised that men are surprised when their wives walk out. Men are surprised the problem is as bad for the woman as it was to cause them to walk out. Crappy communication, excessive expectations, resentment builds and there it is. Women resent men for not listening. Men resent women for not appreciating. It's amazing anyone is married anymore.

If I have a problem with another guy, I tell them. It's not like that in inter gender communication. Its not good or bad - just the way it is. I wish people grew up with a code breaker book for relationship communication. So much crap would be avoided on both ends.

Women and men want different things from the relationship. As far as men's love for his penis. Well.....that's just part of being a guy. That's never going to change. 

best, 

HL


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

So many times, you get the idea the guy on a second marriage says to himself, "I'm going to LISTEN this time and do what she says she wants"

You know how that works out.


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## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

Thanks all for the replys. To be honest our marriage was great for the 7 years. We had our ups and downs but who doesnt? We have been through lots together and always came out on top stronger than ever. This time is diffrent we both have gone off the deep end. I know I need some counseling and I know she does as well. I am trying to get her to go as well. And ultimately would like to do marriage counseling. As of now we are seperated and talks of a divorce. We have both cooled down and are talking civiliy. She is still seeing this guy, and is open about it now. The person I was talking to online has grown into a friendship and nothing more. I am open with my wife about what all happened.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BrokenHeartedCoastie said:


> Thanks all for the replys. To be honest our marriage was great for the 7 years. We had our ups and downs but who doesnt? We have been through lots together and always came out on top stronger than ever. This time is diffrent we both have gone off the deep end. I know I need some counseling and I know she does as well. I am trying to get her to go as well. And ultimately would like to do marriage counseling. As of now we are seperated and talks of a divorce. We have both cooled down and are talking civiliy. She is still seeing this guy, and is open about it now. The person I was talking to online has grown into a friendship and nothing more. I am open with my wife about what all happened.


Make the appointment.

Tell her when it is.

You attend no matter what she does.


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## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

Ya I plan on it, I actually just had that added into the seperation agreement so if she does not show up that will be on her. Dont have an expectations from the marriage counseling, but at the least it could help us talk civily in a neutral calm enviorment about everything.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> So many times, you get the idea the guy on a second marriage says to himself, "I'm going to LISTEN this time and do what she says she wants"
> 
> You know how that works out.


Right....... because it was all "his fault".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BHC,

What was your wife's childhood like?


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## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

My wife grew up with her mom going through 3 divorces and was sexually mollested. Her sister was really the person who took care of her growing up.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BrokenHeartedCoastie said:


> My wife grew up with her mom going through 3 divorces and was sexually mollested. Her sister was really the person who took care of her growing up.


Her behavior is no surprise.

Have you ever heard the saying "hurt people hurt people"?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Don't discount the possibility of PPD. The violence you have described is a major red flag, and you would be remiss as her husband to not talk to her doctor. SHE ENEDS TO BE EVALUATED! 

Your EA was probably a major stress for her, and major stresses can absolutely contribute to the development of PPD. How is she sleeping? Eating? Is she bonding with the baby?


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## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

idk any of that she is in a relationship and has a boyfriend, me and our 5 year old son moved out when all that happened


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

BrokenHeartedCoastie said:


> idk any of that she is in a relationship and has a boyfriend, me and our 5 year old son moved out when all that happened


How much are you seeing the baby? Can you watch her interactions with him for any length of time? How is your relationship with her family, will they help her get evaluated if need be?


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## BrokenHeartedCoastie (Feb 18, 2014)

Her family is behind her 100% they have all been in divorces. Her mom and I speak some and she just likes to blame mostly everything on me. Although she did agree that she might have PPD and recomended she get help but my wife has yet to do so. I have not had the oppurtunity to be around her and the baby for a long amount of time. yes I am able to see him a significant amount of time I get to watch my son about 4 -5 nights a week right now.


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