# Walk away wife will not walk away?



## Shootables

I have been lurking for the past two months and really appreciate the site and members. The stories have helped me process the shock of my situation. Sad I didn't find this site 5 years ago I might not be in my current situation. Too late now. Here is my details.

Wife has cut me off of sex for 4 years. Has not physically touched me for over a year. Basically shows contempt (hatred) towards me and is basically punishing me for a voluminous list of indiscretions which come down to she was not able to completely control me. Anyways Easter weekend of this year she asked for the big D and said she does not love me. Not a shock intellectually, but must say emotionally affected me more than I could imagine. Married nearly 20 years and have two high school age kids. 

My wife's feeling is that it would be wonderful if I moved out of the house leaving the family and renting a lonely pity fest apartment. I kind of suggested that the walk away wife should be the one to walk away if living in this family and with me is so unbearable. What do you all think and what should I say to have her see my side? Of coarse seeing my side may have never happened my entire marriage. My wife and the word compromise have never met. 
Just to add more information she has been showing about 13 of the ten signs of a EMA. More clothes change than Cher. Constantly texting. Staying out to 3:30 in the morning at least once a week. I will add more details if needed.


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## synthetic

Well based on your last paragraph, your wife is definitely having an affair and if she has cut you off sex for 4 years, she has probably been involved in physical affairs with other people.

Have you done any investigation and confrontation yet? I understand your wife is a control freak, but come on man, you need to find your balls and find out if she's talking to other men. If she is, then kick her out.

What are you trying to do here? Make her 'love' you while she's getting her sexual and emotional needs met by other men?


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## keko

Do not leave the house at all costs.

I'm afraid she's been cheating for quite some time. Are you willing to forgive her when you find the evidence or kick her to the curb?

Start by checking her emails and phone logs to see if anything stands out. Can you have a close friend follow her on night when she's out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien

You admit that it is too late now to turn things around. Seems almost like you two are divorced, but neither is willing to admit it since you still have a piece of paper between you. What do you want? Initiating the paperwork will force a decision on the housing front (BTW- I think you analogy about the walk away wife leaving the house was perfect). If infidelity matters in a divorce within your state, maybe you should investigage, but you know what you know, so investigating otherwise will only possibly help if you want leverage to change her mind.


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## tacoma

Give her the divorce.

Sell the house and split the asset then you both walk away.

I find it difficult to understand how anyone could live in this situation for so long.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck

Shootables said:


> My wife's feeling is that it would be wonderful if I moved out of the house leaving the family and renting a lonely pity fest apartment.


If she repeats that, just stare at her like she's looney tunes. Go see a lawyer today. Don't be a dyck to your W, but keep the conversation limited to the kids, and the divorce process. The two of you have nothing else to talk about. I wouldn't worry about her affair at this point, other than suggesting that they should marry soon, to get you out of alimony payments. 

Tough few months ahead for you, but much brighter days ahead. Stay strong.


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## wiigirl

tacoma said:


> Give her the divorce.
> 
> Sell the house and split the asset then you both walk away.
> 
> I find it difficult to understand how anyone could live in this situation for so long.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_












This. Simple effective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me

Do not leave! You say shocked, but then claim this has gone on for years? I guess the question to you is...do you want to save your marriage?

If not, what are you waiting for.

If so, there is alot you can start doing to try and save it, but what do you want?


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## Shootables

Thanks for all the input. I guess to be specific i am asking how to get her to move out without making it a big scene and little impact on the kids. We have discussed splitting of the assets. The house the main one. I pretty much built the entire house by myself, so I have a certain amount of attachment to it. The kids have lived their entire lives in the house and I feel it would be in their best interest to stay until my oldest has graduated next year. I can qualify on my own to carry the mortgage note on my own and she can't. She is fine living in the house with the kids, but demands we sell instead of me being in the house with them. Besides it may be a long time before we can sell the house anyway. 

As far as a possible EA. I have already told her that if she wants to act like a single person she needs to move out. She denies doing anything wrong or having an affair. She just wants to be "spontaneous." I have checked cell phone ect no one number. One of her 3:30 nights I thought I caught her, but she put her good christian friends on the phone making me look like an idiot. So I stopped snooping. In reality I think it would be better for my psyche if she was having an affair. I think i could let go of my attachment to my wife a little easier.


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## Shootables

This is me said:


> Do not leave! You say shocked, but then claim this has gone on for years? I guess the question to you is...do you want to save your marriage?
> 
> If not, what are you waiting for.
> 
> If so, there is alot you can start doing to try and save it, but what do you want?


I would like to save it and have a real marriage. What would you suggest? Realistically has anyone been able to turn around a marriage where the wife has checked out this long?


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## thunderstruck

Shootables said:


> She is fine living in the house with the kids, but demands we sell instead of me being in the house with them.


Sounds like she has zero incentive to move...free rent and all.

A coworker's wife works at a law firm, and he told me a story about a W who refused to leave the house. This was after the divorce was final, and the house was given to the H. Months later...they were still trying to figure out how to get her out.


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## keko

Shootables said:


> As far as a possible EA. I have already told her that if she wants to act like a single person she needs to move out. She denies doing anything wrong or having an affair. She just wants to be "spontaneous." I have checked cell phone ect no one number. One of her 3:30 nights I thought I caught her, but she put her good christian friends on the phone making me look like an idiot. So I stopped snooping. In reality I think it would be better for my psyche if she was having an affair. I think i could let go of my attachment to my wife a little easier.


I think you should be more focused on PA rather then EA. What do you think a mother of two high school kids is doing outside till 3:30? What makes you think her "friends" aren't covering up for her? 

You need to find out what/where/who she is doing before you can start planning how to save the marriage.


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## This is me

Shootables said:


> I would like to save it and have a real marriage. What would you suggest? Realistically has anyone been able to turn around a marriage where the wife has checked out this long?


That is a long time. Mine checked out, moved out, but eventually returned. MC helped and she always left a toe in the relationship.

Having her out till all hours seems like she has something else going on and getting support for her wayward ways. My gut is telling me you need to get more evidence and play hardball, but giving her the chance to mend her ways.

She needs to be willing to work on it even a little for there to be a chance. Read Divorce Busting book which covers many different scenerios and gives good advice for what to do.

180 for yourself, IC/MC and patience required to save it.


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## Runs like Dog

She's probably not cheating and she probably can't be made to leave either. She's simply a garden variety control freak with a martyr complex. She would burn down everything if she can't get her way so what she's trying to do is get YOU to make the first move. Why? This accomplishes two things:

1) She gets to play the aggrieved wife swooning into her day bed with the outrage of your heinous behavior

2) She gets you to own the entire problem end to end because she and people like her share a common trait. They are never accountable, they never own their own problems, they blame everyone, especially you for 100% of every single disappointment large and small in their lives.

They don't even see themselves as actors in their own lives, they're just 'victims' and you're the 'bully'. Whatever whenever it's completely your fault, your problem to solve your trouble to fix.

BTW she will never divorce you either. You'll have to do ALL the work for that. She will never lift a finger to get out of this because doing anything, in her mind, is unacceptable. "She" does not 'do'. Why should she when she is 1 billion percent innocent and deserves nothing less than the absolute obedience and complicity of you, the whole world, and everyone in it.


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## Shootables

Runs like Dog said:


> She's probably not cheating and she probably can't be made to leave either. She's simply a garden variety control freak with a martyr complex. She would burn down everything if she can't get her way so what she's trying to do is get YOU to make the first move. Why? This accomplishes two things:
> 
> 1) She gets to play the aggrieved wife swooning into her day bed with the outrage of your heinous behavior
> 
> 2) She gets you to own the entire problem end to end because she and people like her share a common trait. They are never accountable, they never own their own problems, they blame everyone, especially you for 100% of every single disappointment large and small in their lives.
> 
> 
> 
> They don't even see themselves as actors in their own lives, they're just 'victims' and you're the 'bully'. Whatever whenever it's completely your fault, your problem to solve your trouble to fix.
> 
> BTW she will never divorce you either. You'll have to do ALL the work for that. She will never lift a finger to get out of this because doing anything, in her mind, is unacceptable. "She" does not 'do'. Why should she when she is 1 billion percent innocent and deserves nothing less than the absolute obedience and complicity of you, the whole world, and everyone in it.


 Sarcasm aside, you hit the nail on the head. I think this is exactly how it is going to play out. Her whole withholding of affection is punishment for my disobedience. She blames me for everything and takes zero responsibilities for our problems. She is right. I did a terrible job reading her mind. She did the emotional divorce and wants me to do everything else. She has done nothing as far as the physical divorce. She also will have trouble playing the victim card with the people that actually know me. They will be WTF are you talking about. Strangely even to our closest friends they will be shocked at are impending divorce. One couple even said, "we need to take family lessons from you guys your kids are so outgoing and secure." LOL. My wife then privately says, "How are we going to tell everyone."

Runs Like Dog. How do you know so much about my wife? Do you stay out until 3:00 in the morning? LO. Do you know of any resources/books to get my head around this?


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## Enginerd

Does your home need some remodeling? Perhaps the master bathroom needs to be gutted for a while? If was in this situation I would make staying in the home physically difficult. Like camping. No violence or drama. Just remodeling....


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## Enginerd

Oh I forgot something. The fact that you still want to be married to her after 4 dry years means you are still in denial. She dumped you.


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## Runs like Dog

No I don't read these kinds of books. But I've been with someone like that for more than 30 years. For example, we were dog sitting a few days ago, I closed all the bedroom doors so the dog wouldn't run around into those rooms and mess them up. My wife suddenly storms into my office, I work from home, complaining I'm a 'bully' because I closed all the doors even though I'm supposed to know she doesn't want them shut. One of the few times I was actually dumbstruck. Like I was talking to someone from another planet who's not familiar with earth. That doesn't even makes sense in the crazy world.


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## mrmagoo

Runs like Dog said:


> My wife suddenly storms into my office, I work from home, complaining I'm a 'bully' because I closed all the doors even though I'm supposed to know she doesn't want them shut. One of the few times I was actually dumbstruck. Like I was talking to someone from another planet who's not familiar with earth. That doesn't even makes sense in the crazy world.


Bully??? Thats a little strong! Wow


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## Tall Average Guy

Shootables said:


> She is fine living in the house with the kids, but demands we sell instead of me being in the house with them. Besides it may be a long time before we can sell the house anyway.


Figure out a reasonable price to list it, then buy it yourself. She can't stop you from doing that.


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## Lon

It's your house, if you like it then stay, nobody has any right to kick you from your own home (well, except the bank cause really its their building for so long as they hold the deed to your soul). Be the first to see the lawyer and get separation agreement drafted up because then you can make sure everything you want and need get onto paper first, and pad it that was after you negotiate away a few concessions you are still hopefully left with closer to what you want/need.


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## Shootables

About the house: I have said that I will buy it at FMV. I would give it to her if she could get my name off the note which she cannot because she will not be able to qualify which would leave me in credit limbo land. Rent is ridiculous now compared to the cheapness of buying a house in my city. The mortgage on my 2400 square foot house would equal a dingy 700 sqft apt or town home. Not real appealing. That is why I feel the walk away wife should leave if living at the house is so unbearable. She wants a divorce, but she wants everything else to be the same. Her perfect scenario is if I spontaneously combust and somehow she maintains her standard of living with nothing else changing. She is very naive about the effects of the divorce. Basically walking in fog. She minimizes the affect on the kids and does not have a clue at how destitute we will all be and the sacrifices she will have to make.

Controlling wife story 1: (I do the dishes 90% of the time.)

You are a bad husband, you are cheap, You are selfish, you don't take me on nice vacations, you do not know how to raise kids, and YOU DON"T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE TEA SPOONS ARE SUPPOSE TO GO!


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## Lon

Shootables said:


> About the house: I have said that I will buy it at FMV. I would give it to her if she could get my name off the note which she cannot because she will not be able to qualify which would leave me in credit limbo land. Rent is ridiculous now compared to the cheapness of buying a house in my city. The mortgage on my 2400 square foot house would equal a dingy 700 sqft apt or town home. Not real appealing. That is why I feel the walk away wife should leave if living at the house is so unbearable. She wants a divorce, but she wants everything else to be the same. Her perfect scenario is if I spontaneously combust and somehow she maintains her standard of living with nothing else changing. She is very naive about the effects of the divorce. Basically walking in fog. She minimizes the affect on the kids and does not have a clue at how destitute we will all be and the sacrifices she will have to make.
> 
> Controlling wife story 1: (I do the dishes 90% of the time.)
> 
> You are a bad husband, you are cheap, You are selfish, you don't take me on nice vacations, you do not know how to raise kids, and YOU DON"T EVEN KNOW WHERE THE TEA SPOONS ARE SUPPOSE TO GO!


Either way, if you physically separate she cannot live in the house - she has to be the one to walk regardles of what you decide to do so she has no right expecting you to leave, And it sounds like you are going to have to be the "bad guy" that enforces this. Don't be afraid or guilty though, give her the taste of getting what she is asking for, instead of continuing to enable her to eat her cake and have it too. But the main reason you need to be the one to stay is for your own self-respect.


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## Shootables

Lon, Thanks for the pep talk. Really appreciate it.


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## muskrat

Don't leave the house. I also feel the partner who wants a separation or divorce needs to do the filing to get this done. Of course living in limbo land sucks.


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## deejov

I"m sorry it took you so long to come here (or anywhere) to seek advice. The point is though... you did. And you are here, not her.

Im also sorry if this sounds blunt...

You both may have huge resentment issues going on. You both have "baggage" for each other that you should consider dumping, whether you dump each other or not.

So, she has said not nice things to you and she is controlling because you will NOT pay attention to what she is asking you.

If you asked her 100 times to put her jacket in the closet, are you being controlling? Or is she being stubborn and selfish for not listening to you?

It's these petty things that turn your life into the mess it is now.

Lots of things YOU can do yourself. Let go of the control. Read up on 180 and MMSL, no more Mr. Nice Guy, and let go of the need to have things your way, all the time.

A question for you. 
I have a feeling that the lack of sex for 4 years was not all her refusing. I would venture a guess that you don't "like" her very much, and haven't been interested in her sexually for a long time. Which is why you didn't seek advice after a few months. Your pissed at her for telling you what to do, and your feelings have been hurt for a long time. 

My advice? Sit down and write out all those mind tapes you got going about what a terrible person she is, all the things she did to you. Then burn it. Let it go. 

Get REAL. Focus on the real issues. Do what YOU can do, which is clean up your own corner, mentally. Take stock and responsibility for your own behavior, turn it around, and be the leader in this. 

You might feel differently in a few months. If you are truly done, there is ZERO excuses that will keep you together. You can play mind games and revenge for another 4 years, or you can seriously think about what you are going to do.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My ex h was/is a serial cheater, plus he is also abusive. Big winner there.

I left him after two full years of his abuse and cheating. I tried my hardest to make our marriage work due to our child, but the cheating took the cake. 

I packed my baby, clothes and left. Everything in that home was mine. I left it all to him. 3 days later, one of his girlfriends move in and they are married today 18 years later. She puts up with his cheating and abusive ways, I do not.

I left because I had somewhere to go and I wanted out immediately. I had such hatred for my ex for what he put me through that it was very easy to leave. He stalked me for a year after and begging me back. Still denying there was a woman living with him. He is in his own world for sure. I wasn't going to be a part of it.

I do agree, if your wife wants a divorce, she should be the one to leave.


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## Shootables

Thanks really good input from everyone. I am still in limbo and not engaging in any relationship talk. Wife is still acting like a single. I have given her space and do my best to show i don't care. I am miserable and the wife is going on without a care in the world. Maybe I should write a blues song.

DEEJOV has brought up good points about resentment and whether I even like my wife. I am sure she got that from the negative tone in they way I describe her. Actually my problem is the opposite. I was wondering to myself why I can't hate my wife or blame her or hold a grudge or be nasty to her. I get happy if she says hi to me. WTF. Serious Stockholm syndrome going on? What a pathetic codependent. In fact I see a wee bit of codependency in a majority of the posts that I have read. I propose a new name for the site. Codependents Talk About Marriage.

I capitulate. I am going to have take the initiative and hammer out this divorce. She will not walk away, A reconciliation is a million to 1 shot ( So you are saying I have a chance!). I am not going to live like this anymore. Time for My Midlife crisis! Time to get in drinking shape. Buy some grecian formula. 4 in the morning is my new bedtime. Where are the young ladies? The one's that will date old depressed dudes who live in dingy studio apartments. Maybe I will grow a ponytail. Why is the prospect of all this freedom making me cry?


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## deejov

Shootables,
My blunt point was intended for the future, not to make you run out the door before you took time to look at yourself.

It's obvious you are hurting, and I'm very sorry to hear that. Being rejected is a soul crusher over time. 

One way to help you prepare to make a decision and move in a new direction (whatever that is) is to work on yourself for a few months, and then decide what you want in life. 

She most likely has beaten you down, and that's a shame. 
Having someone else show you affection seems like a logical answer, but it's short term. And your marriage will follow you forever, unless you deal with this. 

Yes, take a stand. Stand up to HER.


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## diwali123

I don't have time to read all of this. It PLEASE please read this OP!!! 
Just because sge can't afford it herself doesn't mean she won't get the house in a divorce! I work in the industry and it's common for judges to order both spouses to pay half the mortgage while one stays so that the kids have stability until graduation. Sometimes longer. 
I've seen where the h makes much more than the w and in lieu of alimony he pays the mortgage so she and the kids can live there. 
Bottom line is you can guess what the laws are in your state but you will drive yourself crazy with the "what ifs" and getting your hopes up only to find out the law makes no sense a d isn't in your favor at all. Please talk to an attorney ASAP. 
From what I know you can't make someone move out unless there is abuse involved, and even then the home is considered a marital asset to be divided. 
You can't buy the home from yourself. The only way to get her name off is to do a refinance that she agrees to or is court ordered with a quit claim deed and a divorce decree signed by a judge. Seriously get an attorney!
Also except in states where infidelity matters, the court doesn't care who wants the divorce, whose fault it is, or really what is fair to the parents. They are concerned with the best interest of the children first and foremost.
I would suggest that you sleep in separate rooms if possible. Leave the rest to the lawyers because even if she agrees to something now, it doesn't matter when it comes to the legality of the divorce. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

I wanted to add I'm in the US and this applies to the US only.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shootables

No I am capitulating. I plan on giving everything all assets all furniture, dogs everything for 50% joint custody and all claims on my retirement. I will want some kind of cohabitation agreement so some stupid shmoe dosen't shack up in the house I built with my kids.(That would be a real kick in a delicate area.) I believe that is possible. Does anyone know if I could also have a contract that states my ex has a certain amount of time to get my name off the mortgage or else I have option to buy. Just thinking outloud. Anyone else ever get a cohabitation agreement?


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## diwali123

I'm telling you that you can't buy your own house. You just can't. Unless you live in a non community property state and sge is the only one on the deed and note, you can't buy it from yourself. 
I highly suggest getting a lawyer. I've been in mortgages for five years and helped people in all kinds of dire straights keep their homes. I've played mortgage divorce counselor more times than I can keep track of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123

Also you can't do a cohabitation agreement because you are married already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

Shootables said:


> No I am capitulating. I plan on giving everything all assets all furniture, dogs everything for 50% joint custody and all claims on my retirement. I will want some kind of cohabitation agreement so some stupid shmoe dosen't shack up in the house I built with my kids.(That would be a real kick in a delicate area.) I believe that is possible. Does anyone know if I could also have a contract that states my ex has a certain amount of time to get my name off the mortgage or else I have option to buy. Just thinking outloud. Anyone else ever get a cohabitation agreement?


yes PLEASE see a lawyer... I don't know your jurisdicition, but where I am division of assets has NO BEARING on custody or child support. Also, unless it is shown to be not in the best interests of the children, if you want 50% custody of them there is no reason a judge would deny that. You very likely can get all you want out if this without having to give away everything, you may be legally entitled to so much more than what you are prepared to give away. SEE A LAWYER


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## keko

Shootables said:


> No I am capitulating. I plan on giving everything all assets all furniture, dogs everything for 50% joint custody and all claims on my retirement.


Extremely stupid attitude to have when entering divorce. You're going to have to want everything then negotiate down.




> I will want some kind of cohabitation agreement so some stupid shmoe dosen't shack up in the house I built with my kids.(That would be a real kick in a delicate area.) I believe that is possible.


Its a free country, you can't force someone else, especially your ex to do one thing or another.




> Does anyone know if I could also have a contract that states my ex has a certain amount of time to get my name off the mortgage or else I have option to buy. Just thinking outloud. Anyone else ever get a cohabitation agreement


Unless you want your credit ruined, another stupid idea to expect her to pay the mortgage while taking over the loan.


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## diwali123

Yes you could have it in your decree that she's not allowed to bring any man to the house. She could gladly agree to it. Ok so then a month later you find out her boyfriend moved in. Your choice is to get proof of it and then take her to court for contempt of court. Which costs more money. 
Best bet is if you do end up paying alimony it only lasts until she moves in with someone else or gets married. 
Always negotiate. Honestly you sound like you have a lot of misconceptions about divorce and if you don't get help your ww is going to steamroll you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope

Diwali, your giving some very bad legal advice. Just to correct two of the many wrongs. First, married couples can certainly enter into a cohabitation agreement - and many do under a poat-nuptial agreement. Second, an ex-spouse does not lose their alimony if they move in with a partner, it's either a court order, time, or marriage that triggers the end of alimony.

Your best advice was for him to go see a lawyer even if it's to correct the free advice notions put into his head.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

Become a caregiver to your kids. Let her roam free. Document your parenting time in excess of hers. Then file for divorce and custody of your kids.


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