# Marriage seems over - but not sure how to exit



## NinjaStory (Jan 9, 2022)

My wife and I, both 36, will have been married 10 years in July - together for 18. She’s been a part of me for almost half my life, and almost all my adult life. As fate would have it, I actually met her the day I left home and moved away from my home town, so there’s a very distinct segue in my life.

We have two children, a son who is 8 and daughter who is 5. I love them to bits. My wife might tell you different, but my life is all about them.

Sadly, and deeply regrettably, I think we’ve reached a point where our marriage is over. We’ve reached a point where it feels like she can no longer stand me, and we spend very little time together alone without the kids.

Since 2017, I have privately battled a physical illness that has left me suffering incredible fatigue, and has absolutely stolen my smile and vigour. Have I suffered depression? I don’t know, but I would admit I’ve probably not been as fun to be around as I would have liked to have been.

Either way, it now seems clear that any feelings she had for me are a relic of history. She tells me so in no uncertain terms. That sentiment isn’t reciprocated by me, but I accept her feelings nonetheless.

I grew up in a house with stressed parents in an unhappy marriage, and that’s no place for a child. I live with those scars today, and I don’t want that for my kids (though I would never behave as my own dad did, where physical violence was a regular theme).

For everyone’s sake, it’s time for me to go. As gut wrenching as it is for me to leave my kids behind. ****ing hell, I’m in tears just writing this. Christ.

That’s one of two things bothering me. The perception of being that guy who left his family. I’m not that guy. I don’t want this for a second, but you have to wake up at some point that you’re no longer wanted. My mere presence irritates the hell out of her.

How do I do the right thing for my family without looking like the bad guy? I’m not perfect; far from it, but I don’t believe I’m a bad guy.

Then there’s the financial side. And this is the big one. I’m the sole provider. I earn a six-figure (GBP) salary and bought us a house worth close to £1m in 2020 on the back of a sale of some shares in a business I helped start up. We own most of that house, but there are still a few years of mortgage payments to make.

I want to make it clear that this isn’t some kind of sugar-daddy relationship at play here. Far from it; she has the degree, not me.

When I met her I had absolutely nothing and she would buy me food as I didn’t have a job or any income whatsoever. Over the years we both developed good careers, but she stopped working in 2013 when our son was born as we were financially comfortable enough by that point for her to stay at home with the kids (100% her choice, not mine - it’s been financially stressful at times for me).

But the fact remains that the family remains financially reliant on me at this moment in time, and that it wouldn’t be easy or realistically possible for my wife to pick up that slack.

All of the hard work I have put in over the years has been for my wife and two beautiful children, and there’s no way I could take anything away from them. I’m proud to have been able to have given them the lifestyle we have, and I can’t pull the rug from under them.

I have been quite clear. I am happy to give my wife everything so that my kids can continue to live in our house and be financially well off. I don’t want anything. I will continue to pay the mortgage and bills - all I want is enough to exist and to be able to continue to do my job which currently means working from home.

I don’t know if that’s a wise approach or not, but I could not bare to take a penny off my family that I do not need. I want my kids to have a happy childhood, with or without me there day in, day out.

But I don’t know what to do next. Where do I go? What do I do? How do I do it with minimum upset to the kids?

I know what I need to do. I just don’t know how to do it.

Sorry for the long, rambling post. I’m emotional and unsure as to what the future holds.

Advice welcome. Thanks!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here's my personal opinion. If she is unhappy, she should be the one to leave. She made vows to you same as you made vows to her, and with those promises comes obligation...after all, most vows have some sort of line in there about "...in sickness and in health." 

I get it. My own Dear Hubby passed away in 2017 after a 5 year battle with heart failure and chronic fatigue. He wasn't always happy, we didn't "get out an play" like we used to when we were dating, and it wasn't always fun. But I made a commitment and so did he--and she made the same commitment to you--to act in a loving way until death parted you.

Soooo...on one hand, if you know you haven't been very good company due to your illness and struggling to accept it, then that is on you. Work on that. You may never get well or recover, but you don't have to be a jerk--right? But if she wants out, then SHE is the one to move. She is the one breaking up the family. You and the kids stay home and they keep their rooms and you keep all that you've worked for--because all that work you did was to provide FOR THE FAMILY and she was part of the family! Thus, if she wants out of THE FAMILY then she gets off her behind, gets her own finances, gets her own place of residence, and provides for her own self and her children. YOU have already gotten off your behind while ill, gotten family finances in place, provided a family place of residence, and provided for your family!

Thinking that it's somehow "noble" for you to move out and give her the house and the kids is malarchy. You are a full grown adult, same as her, and you can take care of yourself and your children. Do that. Indicate that this home and these bills being paid, etc. are for the behalf of YOUR FAMILY. If she doesn't want to be part of your family and can't stand you, then she's free to find one of the 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover and figure out her own life. If she wants the house and kids and finances, that comes with the package of honoring her commitment to her husband and giving her children an intact home!


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Consult with an attorney. That doesn't mean you need to divorce, but you need to find out the facts.

You didn't mention counseling. Have the two of you just slowly drifted apart without working on this at all over these past several years? It's not a money issue as with your salary counseling could easily have been afforded.

She didn't reach this point overnight, so what went down these past several year for her to reach this point?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

NinjaStory said:


> I have been quite clear. I am happy to give my wife everything so that my kids can continue to live in our house and be financially well off. I don’t want anything. I will continue to pay the mortgage and bills - all I want is enough to exist and to be able to continue to do my job which currently means working from home.
> 
> I don’t know if that’s a wise approach or not, but I could not bare to take a penny off my family that I do not need. I want my kids to have a happy childhood, with or without me there day in, day out.


Not very wise!
No man with his right mind does that!
She will bring another man in your house that you are paying for to play daddy with your kids!
Consult with an attorney ASAP!
And stop being weak and a doormat, maybe that's one of the reasons why she resents you!


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Does she know the nature of the "private" physical illness battle? If not, she may be more supportive and understanding and help you get through it. 

If she does know, have her get a job, and then exit stage left.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, the thought of 'just giving her everything' -- wrong. You have kids, you will have to pay child support, assuming she gets full or primary custody. No reason why SHE shouldn't go back out and get a job -- just like everyone else.
YOU will have the kids hopefully 50% of the time as will she, so you will both face the issues of childcare just like millions of other people.

Don't fall on your sword here for this --- there are LONG time ramifications.

Sell your house, split the profits and try to be amicable in the divorce. Go 50/50 on everything from $$$$ to child custody.

The MOST important thing for you right now is to see a lawyer and get a plan together. Once you have things figured out for YOU and your kids, ask her to sit down and discuss the marriage. Maybe Marriage counseling is the way to go here. One thing; REALLY listen to what she tells you -- WHY is she so unhappy, WHY is she acting like this towards you. Sounds like there is a TON of resentment on her part towards you. That can be worked on in counseling, provided she wants to make the effort. You can't do that by yourself.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

NinjaStory said:


> Since 2017, I have privately battled a physical illness that has left me suffering incredible fatigue, and has absolutely stolen my smile and vigour. Have I suffered depression? I don’t know, but I would admit I’ve probably not been as fun to be around as I would have liked to have been.


How did this physical illness come about? How does it feel, like a mild flu? Is it there all the time, or just certain times of the day? Do you still have it? I ask cause I had something like that come about out of the blue and it took many doctors, many different remedies and about a year of hell until one doctor made me right again.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

NinjaStory said:


> My wife and I, both 36, will have been married 10 years in July - together for 18. She’s been a part of me for almost half my life, and almost all my adult life. As fate would have it, I actually met her the day I left home and moved away from my home town, so there’s a very distinct segue in my life.
> 
> We have two children, a son who is 8 and daughter who is 5. I love them to bits. My wife might tell you different, but my life is all about them.
> 
> ...


Hi Ninja,
I also deal with chronic illness and understand only too well how that can wear you and your spouse down. That said, you've more than done your duty for your family and aren't the one who wants to throw in the towel. It's good that you are grateful for when she held more responsibility but you don't owe her forever for that if she wants out.

If she's so unhappy, she can find a job and find a place to live and leave. Do not bend over backward to give her everything, she's not going to be grateful for it, think any better of you, or want you back. Let her go and let the door of reality hit her in the ass on her way out. 

It sounds like you could use a shoulder, do you have any family/friends you can talk to? Have you sought therapy and legal advice yet? Don't go making any hasty moves until you get your ducks in a row! Hang in there!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are fortunate to have a very expensive house and very large income. Even if you sold the house and each bought another you could still both have a really really nice house. Children don't need a million pound house to be happy. 

She could then take up her career again and you could pay child maintenance as well.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> How did this physical illness come about? How does it feel, like a mild flu? Is it there all the time, or just certain times of the day? Do you still have it? I ask cause I had something like that come about out of the blue and it took many doctors, many different remedies and about a year of hell until one doctor made me right again.


OP should list more particulars. Like where he lives, details of the symptoms he is having, medications he takes, any food allergies he might have had in the past, etc. Maybe we can suggest somethings his doctor can check for, like Lyme Disease....


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I would not leave the house. If she is unhappy she can leave. Be strong, be a man. If you get divorced give her the bare minimum the law requires and she can get a job. Don't sacrifice the next 15 years for someone that doesn't respect or value you.


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