# How to start the D-Word Conversation



## unhappy2000 (Mar 17, 2016)

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well, the first thing to do is is to stop calling it the "D-word" as if it is some sort of unacceptable term. That is unless you feel it is an unacceptable act. If that is the case stop thinking about committing it and start thinking about working on the relationship. 
You will get all sorts of advice here, and a lot of agreement from other women about your situation. However, let me tell you as a man, who's wife left him - you might think you are communicating with him, but you probably aren't. 
Take a good long look at your own actions over the years. Have you pushed him away? Have you always been there for him? Have you always been supportive when he needed it? Do you share any of the blame for the current state of affairs?
None of this is to blame you or shame you. It is just that often times, especially on here, the prevailing feeling among women is that men are just simple minded dogs with only sex and food on their minds and it is their fault if they don't understand what the women has said.
So take a look at your part in it? Are there changes you could make to improve the situation? The last thing I would recommend is to get a divorce. It is final. And it is brutal. The upheaval to yourself, your children, your family and to your husband could be beyond anything you have experienced.
However, that may in fact be the best course of action. If so, stop looking at it as some shameful act that is to be hidden from the world. It is not. While the upheaval can be very real, there is no shame in choosing to be happy. Real, genuine, rational selfishness is the ultimate in human expression. Choosing to make yourself happy is nothing to be ashamed of.
As for your child, she will be better off seeing her parents happy, than she will be seeing her parents wallowing unhappily in a dead marriage. She knows what is happening, set the best example for her that you can.
As for how to start the conversation? I hope you take my advice and do some self reflection. After that if you still need to do it - well then just do it and get it over with. No sense in delaying the inevitable. It is only your own happiness at stake.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your H probably is one of those men who

1. does not know what to do to make you happy so just buries his head in the sand and hopes it goes away 
or 
2. Knows he is not pulling his weight but doesn't care either way

which one do you think he is?

if the former then it might be a good idea to have marriage counselling
alternatively you go and see and IC and begin working on yourself- I am sure the down turn in your marriage is not all him, it never is. He may end up noticing the new and improved you and want to be more involved in the marriage.

Walking away from a marriage without trying to do something about it first is not ideal. The 'costs' of divorce are very very high not just materially but emotionally, so think carefully of all the options before you pull the plug.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

aine said:


> Your H probably is one of those men who
> 
> 1. does not know what to do to make you happy so just buries his head in the sand and hopes it goes away
> or
> ...


You left off choice #3, which is he has done everything he thinks he can do to make you happy but has been rejected and shot down so many times he has given up.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

unhappy2000 said:


> I'm very unhappy on the inside. Keep up a good front on the outside. I've tried my very best to make my marriage work. After 15 years of marriage, that's a long time to decide to leave someone, especially if the reason is simply...I'm not happy. I have talked to him on several occasions and have told him that I am unhappy over the past 3 years. I have been explicit as to why. I have completely spelled it all out. I have a roommate, not a husband. There is no intimacy, romance, or physical affection. I sleep in a different room because of his snoring, which adds to this. He has no emotion toward what I say in serious conversations. No reaction to my actions to initiate. No interest in me physically. He is very uninterested in talking to me and won't share his feelings either. I truly feel that he thinks I'm not serious.
> 
> I don't want to hurt his feelings because he is a great person. I don't want to turn my world upside down. We have a 13 year old daughter together. I don't want to upset her.
> 
> ...


Start the conversation by referencing all those times over the last 3 years that you have expressed your unhappiness to him. Tell him you are ready to file for divorce unless there are drastic changes implemented. Then follow through...if he puts in the effort, then match his effort...if he does nothing, then you file.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ynot said:


> You left off choice #3, which is he has done everything he thinks he can do to make you happy but has been rejected and shot down so many times he has given up.


Can I assume you'd ask a guy in a sexless marriage what he'd done to push his wife away?

Typically a guy is told that he deserves sex in marriage and should just divorce her. No consideration is given to what he might have done to cause it.

But maybe you're the exception so I thought I'd ask.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Can I assume you'd ask a guy in a sexless marriage what he'd done to push his wife away?
> 
> Typically a guy is told that he deserves sex in marriage and should just divorce her. No consideration is given to what he might have done to cause it.
> 
> ...


As a matter of fact I would and have. I just get tired or reading about how us poor simple minded shlubs just don't get it? You know all guys want are sex and food. If they don't understand, it isn't the fault of the woman, it is just because they are stupid and don't have a clue. 

In case you didn't notice, which apparently you didn't, I didn't have anything negative to say about the first two choices, I only pointed out the one she left out. But then again, maybe I AM the exception to the rule


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If there is no other way, then there is no easy way to divorce anyone. You have to just say it, and hopefully mean it. You can pad it after the fact, it's not you its me, you're a great guy, I need sex or whatever. But really, the best way is up front and honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unhappy2000 (Mar 17, 2016)

Thank you all for your responses. I do like hearing information from all sides. I know that it does take two. However, in my original post I did say that I am one who initiates any physical contact.

I can honestly say with confidence that I am the one that is pushed away. I have tried everything from sitting next to him as we watch TV, only to be pushed away. He's always so uncomfortable with me next to him. I've dressed up to get his attention in the bedroom only to be told that I look ridiculous. Which, by the way, I exercise 2-3 times per week and have maintained my figure over the past 15 years. I have other men try to ask me out but the only one I want attention from is my husband. He doesn't want to kiss me anymore. 

I'm the one that has no idea what he wants. I gave up on trying. Maybe it is my turn to say no. And I'm still waiting for my turn to say no and I'm going on three months.

I do believe that it is a stereotype that men have desire for sex and women do not. Women are the ones that have a headache, or are too tired. But, when I read the threads here, I can see that I am not the only woman in this predicament.

He makes me feel bad about myself. I feel undesirable. I feel unattractive inside and out. He controls this in me. He has no passion for me, no compliments, and zero desire. 

So, I guess I do have a couple of choices. I'm unsure how working on myself is going to help solve the issues here. Can someone please elaborate? 

If I only concentrate on me, then won't that push him away even more? Shouldn't we both be working on us? Why should I count on him to try? If he has to remember to try to like me, to try to act interested when he isn't, or to try to act like I'm attractive...then that is a huge problem. You either truly feel these things or you don't. Is it worth it to ask the other person to make a conscious effort to pretend like they like you, to pretend they want to be with you, and pretend they want to be around you?

I've told him that I want to be with him. That I am willing to do and try anything to make things better. He doesn't say that to me. Why won't he say that to me?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm 3/4 to divorce, been separated for 4 months now. Life is great, having the best sex of my life! 

I was in a totally sexless marriage. Married 8 years, had sex less than 10 times, produced 2 kids, haven't had sex since 2nd child was conceived, 5 years ago. Why? We weren't in love, resented each other, and just were in it for the convenience. She blew up on me for the last time and I woke up. I left her two weeks later, hardest thing I have ever done in my life. But after a few weeks, I knew it was the right thing and felt at peace. Started dating on week 3 and now in a serious relationship with the woman of my dreams. Life is too short to not have hot sex!

If I were you, I'd have him served. First find an attorney and they will arrange to serve him the papers. This will be his wake up call. How he responds will tell you how you need to proceed.

I feel for you and others stuck in miserable marriages. I was there, but decided to do something about it. Divorce sucks but having regrets and living in a miserable marriage are much much worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

make a decision to go to long term marriage counseling for at least 6 months before you even think of a divorce. Arent your marriage and child worth that at least that? BTW she will be devastated if you divorce.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, focusing on yourself will not push him away. That is a choice that he will make for himself. If he does you have your answer, if he doesn't you have your answer. But by focusing on yourself, you are sending him a message on how you wish to be treated. You are telling him that you are important enough to demand attention, especially your own. Plus, in the end you will be a better, more resilient, stronger person than you were before. That will put you in the position to make the hard decision you have to make. Because in the end, it will be your decision.
As for your daughter, yes, she will be devastated at first. Divorce is after all the destruction of a marriage. However, kids are much stronger than we think they are, after the initial shock she will recover. Plan to get her into counseling as well. It is far better for her to see how a strong person looks after their own happiness, than to see someone slog thru life in misery attempting to be someone she isn't.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> make a decision to go to long term marriage counseling for at least 6 months before you even think of a divorce. Arent your marriage and child worth that at least that? BTW she will be devastated if you divorce.


*THIS*

And go even if he won't. (I've been there as the only one doing counseling appointments and I am still married because of it)

It won't make it easier if you do decide to divorce, but it will help you better understand why you have chosen the path you are on for both you and your daughter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ynot said:


> OP, focusing on yourself will not push him away. That is a choice that he will make for himself. If he does you have your answer, if he doesn't you have your answer. But by focusing on yourself, you are sending him a message on how you wish to be treated. You are telling him that you are important enough to demand attention, especially your own. Plus, in the end you will be a better, more resilient, stronger person than you were before. That will put you in the position to make the hard decision you have to make. Because in the end, it will be your decision.
> As for your daughter, yes, she will be devastated at first. Divorce is after all the destruction of a marriage. However, kids are much stronger than we think they are, after the initial shock she will recover. Plan to get her into counseling as well. It is far better for her to see how a strong person looks after their own happiness, than to see someone slog thru life in misery attempting to be someone she isn't.


many children are deeply affected by their parents divorce and it often affects their future relationships as well. I dont think they are as tough as people like to think.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> many children are deeply affected by their parents divorce and it often affects their future relationships as well. I dont think they are as tough as people like to think.


And many children are hurt far worse watching their parents trudge through life in a dead marriage. Kids learn from observation. Do you really think the OP wants their child to grow up thinking a joyless unhappy life is all she can expect?


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