# In the throes of separation and struggling



## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I have posted here a couple of times about my story, but I am well and truly in the throes of separation now. Some days I feel like I'm coping, some days I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm 28, H is 29. Together 9 years, married 4 years. No kids. Bomb dropped 3 months ago with the ILYBINILWY speech and he left 3 days later. When asked, told me there was no one else. We certainly had our issues, lack of communication mostly, I feel like he just gave up and walked out without giving us a chance to see if we could work through our issues together. He didn't come to me until he had made his decision. 2 days after the bomb, while we were having a couple of days apart, I discovered msgs from OW on his iPad. His 22yr old employee. Claimed her and I were separate issues and our marriage would be ending regardless of whether she was in the picture. He claimed nothing physical happened between them before he left me and they had only discussed their mutual romantic feelings.

Fast forward a couple of months and they are in a full blown relationship, going out in public, he has met her family and they know he is a married man that has only very recently separated from his wife. I can't believe those words as I'm writing them.

I have recently put an end to our conversations about our situation because they were going round and round in circles. He doesn't believe he was unfaithful at all because "nothing physical" happened, so I keep going over and over the details of all the boundaries he crossed even IF nothing physical happened, but he has a justification for everything. Then it just keeps going round and round because of my need for him to take responsibility for the infidelity. For my own well being, I told him I'm done.

Now I'm struggling with feeling like I've given him an easy way out and he's gotten away with what he's done. There is so much he's gotten away with divulging as little as possible about or not having to explain at all. Meanwhile I'm here feeling rejected and like there's been no justice. He was a really good partner, to the point where when he first dropped the bomb, the thought of there being someone else didn't even flicker on my radar. So I feel like on top of everything, I also have to come to terms with the fact that he's not the man I thought I knew for the last 10 years. He's treating me so coldly.

I am not hoping for an R, I don't really know what I'm hoping for. People keep saying what he's done will hit him eventually because he hasn't grieved the relationship properly and is in an affair fog at the moment. But I can't help but believe that he grieved it before he left me. Has anyone had experience with WW spouses being hit with the reality of and/or guilt over their actions later on? I don't feel like it will ever happen. 

I just want this roller coaster to end.

Thankyou so much for reading.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You want a complete picture of what happened because it affected your life drastically. Most in that position would want to know that information.

You also want him to acknowledge his wrong doings, and how much that has hurt you. You want him to be sorry and remorseful, but he is not and that is something you will have to accept.

High probability of you never getting the answer you need.

You should be working on you and building yourself back up. If you have any issues, work on them. Investing in you will increase your probability of success in the next relationship. Your husband jumped into another relationship without taking time to reflect and resolve his own issues, that will likely cause that relationship to fail.

Best thing to do is cut contact with him, because it is not worth the time and energy when you are your own number one priority. Chasing him for answers and reasons why is time and energy expended unwisely.

Start by doing positive things in your own life, and the less you associate with him, the faster that attachment goes extinct. Your love for him is an addiction you are quitting, and the more you see him, talk to him, the more and longer you stay addicted.

Mourn the loss of the him you thought you married, that person was real to you.

Let him go. Whatever his personal issues are, he is bringing them into this relationship as well. Once those magical feelings go away, his flawed self will shine through. It also helps to stop seeing him as your husband since he quit that role. The more you remind yourself of that, the faster it becomes to accept.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I found this on here on TAM, and I would give credit to the user if I could remember there name. I use this saying all the time and it helps... " Live by the saying: Life gets easier once you accept an apology you never received! "


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

You won't get justice or satisfaction from him. It doesn't work that way. You just have to get past ot somehow. People have affairs, either emotional or physical, and yes, they do "get away" with it, in the sense that they may get out of a marriage they no longer want. But chances are the new relationship won't work out in the long run. It began with lies, excitement, i.e the oppsite of daily life, which can become pretty routine, even boring. 

Still, don't wait around for that to happen. Move on with your own life, try to form new friendships, maybe join a divorce support group, keep busy. You can't change him or what has happened to your marriage. Just try to control the parts of your life that you can.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Tooomanyemotions,

I know exactly how you feel. My wife expertly bowed out of the marriage, playing it out as wanting space and working on steps to health, when in reality she had been involved with another man.

Such behavior is perplexing, especially as we are left alone in the puddle of our own pain.

Yes, sometimes they do have a wake-up moment, but it is arrested development for us if we wait for it to happen. Better to move on with life...and use this situation to change your life for the better. If he chooses to crawl back...it will be up to you if he had aligned with your NEW set of standards. NO COMPROMISES!!!!


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## Troop (Mar 30, 2015)

Very similar situation. Together 19 years, married 10, 3 kids. Found out 3.5 years ago she was having an EA. Never really ended. This year found out about another guy. She wanted space to figure things out. Within a couple weeks wanted a divorce. Turns out it is probably physical. She wants to marry the guy she has been "involved" with after only 4-5 months. 

Do not expect anything from him. I wasted a lot of emotion trying to understand and ask for explanations. I still do not get it. We went from about to take a anniversay trip to Mexico to not speaking, and an almost hostile relationship. Hard to imagine how someone changes so quickly and becomes callous and cold. But I think the change truly happened long ago and they hide it until they let it out. Then watch out because it is turmoil. 

I was told on April Fools Day she wanted a divorce and it still is painful. Time does make it better, abery llittle at a time. It still seems unreal, but I think about all the pain she has caused. I don't want to be with someone anymore that doesn't want to be with me. Try to detach from him. It does help. Don't interact unless necessary for the kids. Talk to people. That has been my biggest help. Lots of support. 

Good luck to you. I am sorry that we are in similar situations.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou everyone.

It's amazing how much I can relate to so many things you all said. It's also devastating how many people are going through such similar situations.

Troop, H and I were also about to go overseas together. That's one of the most shocking parts of all this, to go from our everyday lives and interactions to this coldness in a matter of days. It's hurtful being on the receiving end of his coldness after being his partner and the closest person to him for almost 10 years, while everyone else in his life gets the same old him that they know and love. it angers me so much that he went through the emotional process of ending our marriage, behind my back while I had no idea what was going on.

bobzis, I recently have been thinking exactly that - that maybe we just weren't the right one for each other. It's just frustrating that it took this long to find out and that I had to find out in this way.

It's a real shot to my self esteem picturing him enjoying a new relationship and life with another girl and that he needed to get away from me to be happy.

Oh I hate this.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> Tooomanyemotions,
> 
> I know exactly how you feel. My wife expertly bowed out of the marriage, playing it out as wanting space and working on steps to health, when in reality she had been involved with another man.


I've been so.right.fvcking.there with you, FS and OP.

My expertly-bowing-out STBX is in his new place right now, one week and some change after moving out - with the OW he met almost a year ago that he really wasn't leaving me for - the marriage was over regardless, whether she was in the picture or not, blah, blah, blah.

I've beaten myself up at times for being too easy on him about it, and at other times - today, even - for being too hard.

Bottom line: They're gonna do it no matter how we react. They are selfish beyond description. We can do the perfect 180, and they will do it, anyway. Or, we can throw them and all their sh!t out to the curb for all the world to see, and they will do it, anyway.

They don't care. Period. 

We can't go back and make a new beginning. But we can start from right now and make a new ending. Let your ending be that you were way better off without someone who cared so little about you that he cheated on you, lied to you repeatedly about it, and tried to make you feel small about the whole thing.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> it angers me so much that he went through the emotional process of ending our marriage, behind my back while I had no idea what was going on.


This.

When I asked my STBX how friends of ours we've both known for 27+ years could aid and abet his cheating with a mutual acquaintance of theirs, even going out to dinner with the two of them like they were an established couple and I no longer existed, he said, "All my friends know our marriage has been over for years."

Really? I didn't get that memo. He never said a word to me about being unhappy with me or the marriage. Not once. But apparently, he told everyone else.

And he got to prepare himself for years for the bomb he dropped on me three months ago, and wonders why I'm having trouble getting over that.

It's mind-boggling.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Oh Nomorebeans, you sound so similar to me at the moment. I had to sit down and explain to him, that like you said, he gave himself time to prepare for the bomb behind my back, and now I have a process to get through. And there should be a period of time where my feelings are considered and respected and I don't have to deal with his new gf being rubbed in my face! He just hung his head, and will probably not change a thing.

Although friends weren't aiding and abetting, it feels really awful that there have been no repercussions regarding friends for him in the aftermath. This claim of "nothing physical" happening seems to be his saving grace. But I just don't know, with him diving into a relationship with her so soon, how they can believe that. I did for a while, but I am struggling to now.

Another frustrating thing, is because he did little to hide it from the beginning and he's been open about his belief that he hasn't done anything wrong, people are just accepting it for what it is. BUT the ONLY REASON he is being open about her, is because I ACCIDENTALLY FOUND THE MESSAGES. Otherwise she would likely still be his dirty little secret. I feel like I gave their relationship it's ticket to publicity?! He said to me only a week ago, "You didn't need to know about her". But you started going out in public with her for everyone to see 3 weeks after you left me?!?!!? I just don't understand!!!


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I don't buy the " nothinh physical" bit at all. And your finding out gave him "permission" to go public, in his mind. Maybe he wanted you to find out. Anyway...painful as it is, trying to get inside his mind, or wait for him to "get his" is fruitless.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Spot on about the "permission" Jane139.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I have posted here a couple of times about my story, but I am well and truly in the throes of separation now. Some days I feel like I'm coping, some days I feel like I'm drowning.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry that you're here, and struggling through this, I feel for you. It is very difficult in the beginning of a separation, I remember the days I'd have intense waves of anxiety and the only thing that made me feel even a little better, was going to the ladies' room and crying it out. It gets easier with time, and with the choices that you make. If you make good choices (to be kind to yourself, patient with your feelings and all the wild phases of separation/divorce, to put your health and psychological well being first), YOU WILL be in a better place at the end. And you will wonder why you even tried to reason with him at all, because he was not worth it.

He chose to leave you, and be with another woman. You deserve better, don't you? Let him be with her. Let him have his "15 minutes of fame", everybody has times in their life when they feel on top of the world...and they also have times when they crash down. He will turn around one day and know what he lost when he gave you up...but it will be too late, because that day you will not be thinking about whether or not he regrets his choices. You will have already moved on and be living a fulfilled, productive, content life with NEW friends and NEW adventures.

Keep your head high!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

bobzis said:


> i feel like this too. although our marriage was already over before he moved out. i feel like once i put him out and he got his own place, i gave him the green light to go full fledged with his crap, and any chance of reconciliation was shot to he!!. as much as he has done to me i should not have considered once at taking him back but i kept doing it because i loved him so much. but now i'm starting to realize that during all those failed attempts at reconciliation only let him know that i was a doormat.


I've felt this way, as well. My STBXH just moved out a little over a week ago, and already the OW has flown down from the state she currently lives in to spend a week with him.

What's funny about this is he's told all our mutual friends and neighbors we're divorcing because we've "grown apart" and have been "living separate lives." No mention of her whatsoever. He thinks he's going to dupe all of them. He's sadly mistaken. I've re-informed a few of them already. And the ones I haven't will figure it out when we're divorced in a few months and she seems to suddenly materialize out of nowhere with a moving truck.

I've stopped beating myself up for the timing of when he moved out. He really moved on his own timetable and didn't give a [email protected] about what I wanted, anyway. If he'd left sooner, yes, he'd have felt free to see her more often. But that wouldn't change much else in this whole story. As it was, I had to live with a ghost for two months who was a constant reminder that I wasn't the one he wanted to be with anymore. By far the worst two months of my life. I can't believe they could have possibly been any worse had he been somewhere else.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It's funny how the cheaters love to control the narrative to lessen their public shame. But honestly, people rarely react to this sort of thing anymore.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I soooo know the feeling of wanting to know _why_ everything happened, why they treated you like they did, etc. I've stayed in my marriage for 3 years trying to get answers (and because we have small children). Nothing. Definitely give up, it's not going to happen.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou everyone. It amazes me how much of what you all say I can relate to. Again, it's saddening how many people are going through what sound like textbook situations?!

Bobzis, I've also been recently looking back at the things I said and did in the beginning, attempting an R. Letting him know I was a doormat is the perfect way to put it. I almost feel embarrassed now, but understand it's one of the many stages of this grief. 

Orange_pekoe, wow, thankyou, your words really hit home. I definitely experienced the super intense anxiety and am now in the midst of the wild phases. Everyone keeps saying it will crash down one day, but I just can't see it. Maybe out of self protection I'm not hoping for it. I'm certainly not going to wait around for it.

Nomorebeans, my H did the same! Saying "we grew apart" and he "lost love" for me. Said he had mistaken "care" for "love" for a long time. Thinking it makes what he's doing ok, like it's an acceptable explanation. Well why did you string your W along until you had your next girlfriend lined up?

Formerself, couldn't have said it better myself.

I'm hovering between anger and acceptance at the moment. When I found out he'd met her family, that kind of kicked me into acceptance. It was so so hurtful to see, he was very much a part of family and deeply loved as one of their own for many years. I'm just so so angry that there have been no consequences for him. From friends, family, his employer. I try to make him take responsibility, but what does he care what I think. But as seems to be the common theme, I'm not going to wait around for it to happen.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou everyone. It amazes me how much of what you all say I can relate to. Again, it's saddening how many people are going through what sound like textbook situations?!
> 
> Nomorebeans, my H did the same! Saying "we grew apart" and he "lost love" for me. Said he had mistaken "care" for "love" for a long time. Thinking it makes what he's doing ok, like it's an acceptable explanation. Well why did you string your W along until you had your next girlfriend lined up?
> 
> I'm hovering between anger and acceptance at the moment. When I found out he'd met her family, that kind of kicked me into acceptance. It was so so hurtful to see, he was very much a part of family and deeply loved as one of their own for many years. I'm just so so angry that there have been no consequences for him. From friends, family, his employer. I try to make him take responsibility, but what does he care what I think. But as seems to be the common theme, I'm not going to wait around for it to happen.


My Dad left my Mom for another woman when I was 2 and my brothers were 7 and 8.

My Mom said many years later when we were talking about it all, "Men don't leave just to go be alone somewhere. They wait until they have a soft cushion to land on."

You're doing really, really well to be looking at acceptance sometimes, already. Much better than I did. It took me three months to get to that point, and I still have days where the grief comes back until I remind myself what a monumentally selfish person he's turned out to be, and the anger chases the sad feelings away.

My STBX met the OW's family last December. The two of them went out to dinner with her oldest daughter and her husband. Stayed with her in her house where she lives with her youngest daughter. Went out to dinner another night with friends of his (who I used to consider my friends, too) that I've known for 27 years, and who just stayed with us in our house while on vacation a year and a half ago. All before I ever knew of her existence, and as if our son and I didn't even exist to any of them. I still struggle with how all these people can be so complicit in all this, and it makes me wonder how much he must have bad-mouthed me to make them feel OK with betraying me like they have. I asked him once if they all think I'm a horrible person, and he said that no, they all think I'm a really good person. Probably just another lie to protect himself and cover for another terrible thing he's already done.

I'm coming to a place where I've realized these idiots deserve each other. They're all horrors of human beings, selfish through and through. Their karma will be living day in, day out with one another. And ours will be living day in, day out with someone who truly values and appreciates us, and who will always have our back. Even if that someone is just ourselves for a while, we'll be living with a much better human being than they will.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I know how you feel - for a couple of months, I kept repeating to myself "just get through the next day" or "just get through the next hour." It helped to a certain degree. I think you expect a lot of yourself very quickly after the initial shock of all of this devastating news.

In my case, it was myself who decided to ask for a separation after I discovered my husband had been unfaithful, and he was totally bewildered as to why I could possibly want to leave his cheating a$$. I think he can't admit even to himself what he has done lest it make him a "bad person." That ship has sailed. 

Sometimes it is the most devastating stuff that finally allows you to see your spouse for who they really are, and break the fantasy of who you thought you were married to. It wasn't a month after the marriage breakup when I got news that my STBX was frequenting stripclubs practically every night. Apparently one stripper wasn't enough. This despite begging off several custody overnight with our son on account of being "too busy" with work. I was so disgusted that I knew I had made the right decision. This guy wasn't the guy I fell in love with or married.

As hurtful as introducing himself to OW's family has been for you, now you know him for the callous person he is. He has no regard for you, or for how you're dealing with the implosion of your marriage. He just wants what he wants and doesn't care what it does to anyone else. Does this sound like the person you married? Callous, uncaring and driven by his own selfishness? You deserve better than him. Tell yourself that as many times a day as you need to in order for it to sink in.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Nomorebeans - My Mom said many years later when we were talking about it all, "Men don't leave just to go be alone somewhere. They wait until they have a soft cushion to land on."
Perfectly said. I am coming to learn just how spot on that is.

It is absolutely astounding after reading other people's stories on TAM, how often this is happening, as if they are all reading from the same script. As everyone would feel, it's just as astounding to be on the receiving end of it. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be in a position where I am coming to terms with the fact that my H is not the person I thought he was.

I can't deny he was a very attentive partner, but he seems to be using the good things he did as justification for his actions now. Oh it just makes me so mad. I've come to terms with that while he's in this "affair fog" or "infatuation phase" with OW, I just have to sit back and shut up. There's no point. Not that I'm holding out hope for anything, I just know there's no point in saying the things I want to say at the moment.

Meanwhile he has gotten away with saying hurtful things like - 
"Do you want me to stop seeing her? Is that what you want?"
"I don't care what your family thinks, I can't afford to."
"Your dad pulled a d!ck move, calling my mum and calling me a cheater."
"I'm sorry this was all 'sprung' on you."
"I know I've had time to get used to the idea that you and me weren't going to be forever."

Hence why I put a stop to our conversations about our situation.

Thankyou for your encouraging words everyone.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I've gotten some doozies, too, like "You should have seen this coming" and "Of course she'll be good to our son - children come first with her."

You're way ahead of where I was early on after finding out. That you've already recognized that talking to him about the affair or her or your future or lack thereof gets you nowhere speaks volumes for how quickly and fully you'll recover.

When I started detaching, and truly feeling it, STBX started saying stuff about how much I've "changed for the better." He's actually patting himself on the back for what he sees as the improvements I've made! Um, no. Turns out he's just finally, at long last, seeing me for what I've always been. Just as I'm finally seeing him for exactly what he is. People don't change. They just get older.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Something that's really peeving me at the moment. 

I'm doing well keeping contact to a minimum. But we need to speak regarding our home as it's up for sale.
The last few times he's contacted me regarding that kind of stuff, he's opened with "Sorry to bother you but..."
Oh it makes me so mad. As if he's doing me some kind of favour by never contacting me?!?! I mean we on TAM know that he is, but he doesn't deserve to feel like he's doing a good thing!!!

At the moment, as the days pass my anger is still building and I think of more and more things I want to say to him. I write them down. But I'm worried I'm going to crack and say them to him. He just so badly deserves to hear them!!! But there's no point, I know.

Sorry, another issue to vent about, as I'm not sure if my feelings are justified. There is a couple we are very close with. He is very close with the husband and me with the wife. It hasn't been difficult up until now, we go visit separately, although I've been told he's hardly visited at all (we can all guess what's been occupying his time).

Last night my friend and I were discussing the situation and she told me her husband said to her "I'm devastated for Mel, but he's my mate. If you weren't friends with Mel, you would just accept it for what it is and move on."
She said it as if it was just a passing comment, no big deal, part and parcel of the situation. But not coldly at all. Just a typical male thing to say I guess..? This friend has been extremely supportive during this time, a pillar of strength and her husband and their friends have also been great. But I couldn't help but feel hurt by that statement.. Am I justified in feeling hurt? Or am I just angry and feeling vindictive because there's been consequences for his actions?
He was the ultimate "Mr.Nice guy" to all our friends, and because he's hiding behind "I was unhappy", "Nothing physical happened before I left" and "Marriage issues and OW are separate", he has the perfect environment to not face any consequences.

Thankyou everyone.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry to say, but you will have people picking sides or remaining neutral until it is over.

My friend is getting a divorce and he is just 25. He neglected his wife, of less than two years due to his addiction of video games. Alas, I am still his friend, even with his flaws, and I am not close to his wife.

I am not personally attached to his wife like I am attached to him, we were friends for nearly 10 years.

Just like his family would be there for him, a part of his life after you leave, knowing that he was in the wrong. There is a bond there that goes so much deeper than yours. That is a reality you need to face.

Remember, people only know what others show them, or what clues that they get from observations. If people see him as this great guy, they would naturally wonder, but they only see the surface, not what lies beneath. For them, what they see of him is the reality of who he is, and that is how they interact with him.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Mr. Fisty, you helped put it into a perspective that I couldn't see in my hurt. I know I do need to accept that. I feel a bit concerned that things with this couple have been working while everything is raw, but once the dust settles and things have to return to a new form of normal, that it will get tricky. 

He is choosing to miss the Baptism of this couple's first child because of our situation. He told his friend that "it's too soon and too hard" and that he would "let me go" to the Christening. This angered me because I was always going to go regardless and I don't want him to look and feel like he is doing some kind of noble thing. But what I didn't realise until someone else pointed it out, is that that is a very selfish decision. Of course it's easier for him not to go and face all the judgemental faces of people he hasn't seen since he's done this.

Sorry if my rambling seems pointless, it just helps getting it out. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read and respond.


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## BoyScout (Feb 6, 2015)

One of the hardest thing for me to let go of is word 'Why?'. Why wasn't she happy? Why didn't she want to try to save it? Why me? Why won't someone tell her she's making a mistake? Why won't the pain stop?

I've been trying very hard to just accept everything for what it is. We can't change them. We probably wouldn't understand their answers if they gave them. Let go of 'Why'. That word will eat you up inside. Trust me!


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## Troop (Mar 30, 2015)

I ask myself those questions everyday. I don't think I will ever get the answers to my "why" questions.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Be very thankful you don't have kids to complicate the situation.......


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou Mr. Fisty, you helped put it into a perspective that I couldn't see in my hurt. I know I do need to accept that. I feel a bit concerned that things with this couple have been working while everything is raw, but once the dust settles and things have to return to a new form of normal, that it will get tricky.
> 
> He is choosing to miss the Baptism of this couple's first child because of our situation. He told his friend that "it's too soon and too hard" and that he would "let me go" to the Christening. This angered me because I was always going to go regardless and I don't want him to look and feel like he is doing some kind of noble thing. But what I didn't realise until someone else pointed it out, is that that is a very selfish decision. Of course it's easier for him not to go and face all the judgemental faces of people he hasn't seen since he's done this.
> 
> Sorry if my rambling seems pointless, it just helps getting it out. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read and respond.


I recall your previous thread. I hope you enjoyed your trip. I am very glad you have no

desire to have a R with him. His fling with posOW will not last.

How long does a D take in Au?


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Chuck. I did enjoy it  It took a while to get in a good head space, but it ended up being a really good distraction. Until I got home.

You must prove you have been separated for 12 months before you can divorce in Aus. 3 down, 9 to go.

Our house went up for sale last week. He asked me to put all our wedding photos back up around the house for the real estate photographer and inspections. He is concerned that if potential buyers know the home is for sale due to a separation that potential buyers will offer less money. I said no, that he could do it if he wants. So he did it while I was out one evening. I had an outburst 2 nights ago, took them all down, tore them up and put them in the bin. He doesn't know yet.

We will need to have some contact soon regarding the house. I'm not looking forward to it. 

I feel like he's been let off the hook :-(


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

When people see inequality or something unjust, they want the world to equalize the wrong with appropriate consequences. The world is not about fair and balance, it is about what you do with that situation.

Do not try to focus on him,or wait for some justice, it may never come. Anyways, it will not undo the pain that you are going through.

Trying making yourself a priority instead. Find ways to improve yourself, and the circumstances of your life. Those are actions you can do for yourself.

The less time and energy you put into him, the faster your attachment to him will fade. The more good times you have, the more connections you make without him in that picture, the more the hold on you will fade,triggering less and less of an emotional response from you.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

To extend Fisty's comment.... life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou so much Mr.Fisty and Chuck. I feel like I am starting to get a to a place where I can relate and start to take action on your wise words, rather than feeling that it is a place I can only hope to be in one day. Still being in the marital home seems to be the biggest hurdle at the moment, but I have organised to go look at some rentals this week 

Thanks again, I always enjoy reading your posts and they always give me a much needed boost.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Your story sounds similar to mines! Its messed up, but what can you do? Leave him alone n take care of yourself! Block, delete his number.. Make sure you have no contact what so ever with him. Let him suffer for what he did to you. Trust me they always come back n when they do its only good for awhile! They like the feeling of you being attached, because he knows that he can always come back to you when he wants to! Go out with friends n do what makes you happy .. Workout, hangout with family thats there for you. Don't put up with his ish. Take care of yourself! You deserve better in life then that foolish fool!


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I'm sorry you are going through this too Lynnie. It's been the worst rollercoaster. I have blocked his number actually! It's just hard because we need to speak regarding selling our home. It's been avoidable until now, but it's just gone officially on the market and there will be a home open soon.

Apologies if this sounds terribly petty, but I just can't help it. As previously stated, I am still living in the marital home. I just received a text from the real estate agent asking if a home open this Sunday works for me. It angers me so so much that I will need to plan my day around that and prepare the home for it. While he is playing happy families with his new girlfriend. Everything in this has been when he wants it and how he wants it and it's so infuriating. I want to tell the real estate agent to contact him and palm it off to him. 

But in reality, I know that would be being difficult for no real or good reason. I just want SOMETHING to be difficult for him.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Sammy64 said:


> I found this on here on TAM, and I would give credit to the user if I could remember there name. I use this saying all the time and it helps... " Live by the saying: Life gets easier once you accept an apology you never received! "


WOW. I like that. I know my cheating EW felt bad about the whole thing and this is a fantastic way to look at it.

It's also a great way to accept their apology and forgive them (within yourself) and move on.

Nice one:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Jane139 said:


> You won't get justice or satisfaction from him. It doesn't work that way. You just have to get past ot somehow. People have affairs, either emotional or physical, and yes, they do "get away" with it, in the sense that they may get out of a marriage they no longer want. But chances are the new relationship won't work out in the long run. It began with lies, excitement, i.e the oppsite of daily life, which can become pretty routine, even boring.
> 
> Still, don't wait around for that to happen. Move on with your own life, try to form new friendships, maybe join a divorce support group, keep busy. You can't change him or what has happened to your marriage. Just try to control the parts of your life that you can.


Too true. You really won't get anything. 

I waited a long time and hinged my life on waiting for "something" to come from my EX. Fact is, it is too difficult for most to even fathom, even less for those who were unable to deal with communication issues in their own marriage.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I've been so.right.fvcking.there with you, FS and OP.
> 
> My expertly-bowing-out STBX is in his new place right now, one week and some change after moving out - with the OW he met almost a year ago that he really wasn't leaving me for - the marriage was over regardless, whether she was in the picture or not, blah, blah, blah.
> 
> ...


It's easy to take the "selfish", "gutless", "cheater" route but it doesn't make you feel any better I've found. It gets you nowhere. Bitterness outlasts any emotion and many people live alone the rest of their life hanging onto their feeling.

I really like the idea of accepting an apology that you never got knowing that deep down they feel terrible, even if they can't say so.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Nomorebeans - My Mom said many years later when we were talking about it all, "Men don't leave just to go be alone somewhere. They wait until they have a soft cushion to land on."
> Perfectly said. I am coming to learn just how spot on that is.
> 
> It is absolutely astounding after reading other people's stories on TAM, how often this is happening, as if they are all reading from the same script. As everyone would feel, it's just as astounding to be on the receiving end of it. I never would have thought in a million years that I would be in a position where I am coming to terms with the fact that my H is not the person I thought he was.
> ...


And it aint just men looking for a pillow to land on.

In many ways, most women need something to land on even more than men in a financial sense, especially if they want to have kids.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou Chuck. I did enjoy it  It took a while to get in a good head space, but it ended up being a really good distraction. Until I got home.
> 
> You must prove you have been separated for 12 months before you can divorce in Aus. 3 down, 9 to go.
> 
> ...


Don't beat yourself up so hard. You've got a ways to go yet.

What I found most reassuring was knowing that the pain was like waves in an ocean. The waves start big. Your emotions go up and you go deep down. Then the waves get smaller over time. This helps because it helps you prepare for the next wave, but it also allows you to see it getting better slowly.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou Poida.

That wave analogy is the best. most perfect way I have heard it described. That is precisely what this has been like. Even how the waves help prepare you for the next one. I have said it multiple times now, but it still amazes me so much how textbook what I'm going through is. From his actions, to my rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I just saw the webpage on the real estate's website advertising our home. I feel sick.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

@bobzi lol oh u know...


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Toomanyemotions said:


> I just saw the webpage on the real estate's website advertising our home. I feel sick.


Allow yourself to feel the loss, cry, talk to a friend, and then focus on staying busy. There are sadly a lot of these setbacks along the road, but it WILL get better. 

What helps me a bit is acknowledging my emotions, getting them out, and then trying to focus on doing something good for myself or my son or both of us - go for a run, go to the museum, get out of the house and don't give yourself the opportunity to wallow. Feeling the way you feel is nothing to be ashamed of. But don't let your emotions pull you under. 

Exercise really does help a lot - especially when you don't feel up to it, that's when it helps the most, and when you need it the most. Hang in there. You will get through this.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

joannacroc said:


> Allow yourself to feel the loss, cry, talk to a friend, and then focus on staying busy. There are sadly a lot of these setbacks along the road, but it WILL get better.
> 
> What helps me a bit is acknowledging my emotions, getting them out, and then trying to focus on doing something good for myself or my son or both of us - go for a run, go to the museum, get out of the house and don't give yourself the opportunity to wallow. Feeling the way you feel is nothing to be ashamed of. But don't let your emotions pull you under.
> 
> Exercise really does help a lot - especially when you don't feel up to it, that's when it helps the most, and when you need it the most. Hang in there. You will get through this.


And do not show him how hurt you are! In fact show you should go out have fun, go on dates, make yourself beautiful because this is gonna hurt him the most.

Because if he sees that you don't care for him anymore he will be buzlled and intrigued . You have to think only about yourself and how to work on yourself .

The only way fo you to forget about his existence is to find another man,and I am not saying relantionship but to have fun, to take your mind of things.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Kristisha said:


> And do not show him how hurt you are! In fact show you should go out have fun, go on dates, make yourself beautiful because this is gonna hurt him the most.
> 
> Because if he sees that you don't care for him anymore he will be buzlled and intrigued . You have to think only about yourself and how to work on yourself .
> 
> The only way fo you to forget about his existence is to find another man,and I am not saying relationship but to have fun, to take your mind of things.


This is bad advice. Please ignore it.

I know Kristisha is only trying to illustrate the point about focusing on yourself, but any statement suggesting that what your partner feels is relevant is really quite poor guidance.

It is the WRONG approach in this situation and it is advice like that this that KEPT me thinking about my Cheating ex-wife for way too long and made me do things for the wrong reasons.

If you have no intent to R, then changing your behaviours or conditioning your thinking with the view to somehow affect someone else is the exact opposite of looking after yourself.

Keep it simple.
Forget anything to do with your separated partner. 
Don't do anything with them in mind,
Don't do anything to get over THEM in particular,
Don't do anything with an aim to get their attention, make them angry or make them jealous.

My advice is to simply pretend that that person does not exist.

THAT in my opinion is the fastest way forward.

You won't be able to help thinking about them anyway, so why propagate and link those painful thoughts to your own forward progress.

Finding another man is also very poor advice. You need time to heal. Spend time with family and friends. I can tell you from experience that getting involved with another person will drastically STUNT your personal healing and progress. You are far better being lonely than stunted. Believe me.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou everyone.

I definitely don't feel anywhere near ready to "find another man". Not because of my H, but because I am experiencing independence like I never have before, and I am starting to enjoy it a little. To truly enjoy my own company.

I have felt scared to say this, but some feedback might help me a little. I have felt concerned that my cold feelings toward my H, my lack of desire for an R and slight increase in enjoyment of my independence, is too soon, and it's making me doubt the love I felt for him. Or I thought I felt for him?? It feels so, so strange. Are you meant to feel this way only 4 months after someone you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with, does something like this to you? Is it just a phase of the grieving process? Is it because the anger is so huge, it has overtaken all other emotions? Is there really any way I "should" feel anyway?

And the anger is still huge. We have a home open this weekend, he has not been in contact to see if there is anything he can do to help prepare the house and I just can't bring myself to lift a finger to do anything, because every time I do I picture him doing God knows what, God knows where, with his OW, getting his meals cooked for him by his mother or his new "mother-in-law", getting the place he is living in cleaned for him.. I just can't do it. And I really want to tell him. Oh the anger!!!!!! Because I don't want an R, I feel like all this just makes me sound bitter and vindictive :-(


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

You will go through different phases.... from what you have posted you met all the "requirements" to be

a great wife. Him cheating with the "teeney bopper" has nothing to do with you.

Had you not met one of his needs.... he should have came to you and said so.

My ex g/f did not say one word on anything specifically in which bothered her..... until it was over.

Great timing huh? Your independence is linked to you beginning to accept the M is over.

It is great to accept and understand things.... but if you can only accomplish one of these, it's

best to accept. You are progressing well..... re-discover who you are.

There is nothing wrong with dating but don't look for anything serious, just enjoy the 

interaction with men.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thanks Chuck. I am really starting to see how much more this has to do with him than me.

I am feeling strange today. I don't know how to describe it. There is obviously still a lot of anger. I'm a chronic over thinker. So even though I have told myself, and him, that I won't discuss our situation anymore, it hasn't stopped the 24/7 thinking and coming up with all these things that I want to say to him and wish I said before I "declared" we weren't talking about it anymore. I am still feeling like I have let him off the hook. There is also a feeling of fear of getting too used to having so little to do with him, because I know there will be hurdles with the selling of the home and division of property. I guess I feel like I was moving forward for a while, but all of a sudden I feel stuck. But not necessarily going backwards.

A few days ago, he asked me for A SECOND TIME to put our wedding photos back up for the home open over the weekend. I told him that they're torn up in the bin and how dare he ask me AGAIN to put them back up and expect me to look at them everyday after what he's done to me and while he is out gallivanting and playing happy families with his new GF. He just replied "Ok".

As more time goes by with NC and having no idea what he is doing and what is going in his life, I have started to become more conscious of the person and scenarios that I have created in my head and have no real proof of. Things like them going away together, him sleeping over at her mummy and daddy's house with her, them going wining and dining all the time, stealing kisses and god knows what else in the office, etc, etc, etc... I can't help it. But it's almost like that helps create this monster that I can hate and feel angry towards.. which I guess masks the pain a little..


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I'm so angry today :-(
SO SO ANGRY.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It's a process..... been there....not fun. Be happy the karma bus is not going to run you over some day.

The chances of him and "flavor of the week" making it are slim to none. When they do end things,

grab popcorn and sit back, watch. It will be amusing


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

I am feeling really low today. A bit of a combo of a few things seem to have set me in backwards motion. 

-I drove past him a few nights ago, he was driving to OW's house. And then I was so so angry, I caved and sent him a really long text msg, again trying to push onto him the gravity of what he's putting me through. I pretty much told him not to reply because his replies are always empty and expertly avoid addressing the things I actually said. So he didn't reply.

-Then on Friday night, I met someone who knows OW.. I had had a few too many champagnes, and went to town telling this person what I think of her. It will certainly get back to both of them.

-Yesterday 2 good friends of mine got engaged. I went to have a celebratory drink with them, and the emotional trigger it set off was totally unexpected. I had to go hide for a cry and then when I got home I cried all night. I honestly didn't see it coming. It didn't feel like HIM I was crying for, but how much of an irrelevant waste the last 10 years of my life has come to feel. I almost feel like 'damaged goods' because moving forward I'm worried I will be judged on my relationship history, while he just jumped straight onto someone who doesn't even care that he was and is still married.

I felt like I was doing so well, but I am back to feeling like this pitiful case who can't "get over it", while he has moved on to a better life without me. Is it expected that I should be over it by now?

As much as I know how right everyone is when they say to just focus on myself and look after myself, but as each day goes by without there being any repercussions for his behaviour, I just get angrier and angrier. I am entitled to half of his superannuation. I wasn't going to try take it. I couldn't be bothered with all the hassle. But now I feel more inclined to, just to stick something to him.

When does it end :-(


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Try not to engage with him..... it seems to not suit you well at the moment. Plus.... try to stay away

from the booze, especially the way you are feeling now. If you are feeling down, booze just help 

you along. It is normal to feel hurt and angry.

You held your end of the M..... he did not. He is a quitter. 

It is ok to get angry, use it for positive things. Don't let the anger turn inward.

Controlled rage can define you, uncontrolled rage will burn you alive.

Those who judge you without the facts, their opinions are worthless.

Since he decided to cheat on you.... he should forfeit some of his earnings...... here is where the anger can help you


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

I wish I had an answer for when it ends - I'm in the same boat as you. My husband is spending several nights a week with his girlfriend, they're going out in public in the town that all of our friends live. Like you, I felt like I gave him permission because it's not a secret. BUT the thought that stayed in my head was by exposing them, it takes away that fun, secret element of their relationship. I actually wanted it to become real (since he obviously wasn't going to stop seeing her), because while they're just in affair fog la la land, he's going to continue to think he can ride the fence. 

It's so hard to not engage (trust me, I just had a fight with my husband this morning again, and am kicking myself over it). But you have to try - find another way to get out the anger. Confide in someone that you can unload on. Someone who won't incite you to call him up or text him to tell him these things. Because what everyone was saying a month ago is right, it doesn't matter what you say. He does not care. It hurts so much to hear that and to know it, but it's the sad sad truth. The husband you thought you knew is not this person you're divorcing now. That man is gone. 

And anyone who takes his side is no friend of yours. F them. Most of our friends are currently hovering between us, but looks like it's sliding my way (I'm getting the invites to gatherings at this point, not him, and considering the last dinner we had together, he didn't get invited because he already had plans with his girlfriend, pretty sure he's going to have to settle for her trashy friends, who support her cheating on her husband and helping my husband cheat on his wife). I purposely do not badmouth him to them (except my best friend). Just let them know what he was doing and left it at all. I really do think my husband thought that we could all just still be friends and he could have his **** on the side and all would be well. He's an idiot.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It can take a very long time to recover from betrayal. There unfortunately is no timetable. And it can seem as if it will never end. But it slowly gets better and there are fewer and fewer "two steps forward and one step back" days. 

What helped me was to remind myself that never again could he hurt me. The maximum pain had already been inflicted. The way forward would be better. And it was. 

It will be for you too.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Never ever forget.... this scumbag lost a great woman

Millions of guys are searching for a great woman

Some guy will be very glad he made that poor choice years ago.... I promise


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'll just echo what all these good folks are saying, and hopefully give you another bit of chewy goodness with this: My STBX told all our neighbors and mutual friends that our separation and divorce are "mutual" and "amicable." No mention whatsoever of the OW he basically left me and our son for. They've slowly started seeking me out to see how I'm doing, because they can see that clearly there is no OM involved with me and I am on my own. Like Badaboom said, I tell them simply that he left me for an OW, and we're keeping it amicable for our son's sake, and leave it at that. And I'm getting invited out with them, offers of help with child care, and invitations to their summer parties, and HE is not.

There ARE repercussions, my dearheart. The people who matter will see who the villain and who the victim really are in your story, too, and they will rally around you. Like my STBX and Badaboom's, and others like them, your STBX's only friends will be other cheaters, and low-class people who support cheating. In other words, you reap what you sow. And he has sown seeds of sh!t.

Mark my words: Karma will come for him. Even if his new relationship survives, and statistics show that the vast majority of exit affair relationships do not, he will still get what he deserves: a life filled with other cheaters just like him. And you will get what you deserve: friendships with much higher caliber people just like you.

It's hard to wait for the dawn to come when things are at their darkest, but I promise it is coming.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thankyou everyone. So many amazing thoughts and advice that I can really relate to, thankyou.
Chuck, you always know the right thing to say. 

Badaboom - your situation sounds very similar to mine. I too, am getting the invites to mutual friends gatherings, STBXH seems to be on the outer. I was finding it so easy to not engage with him for a while, but then it was like the fire reignited or something. Fire of anger that is. And I can't pinpoint what did it. We had an argument last night, nothing new really, just the same old stuff. I feel really ashamed admitting that, as it goes against all the amazing advice so many great people have taken the time to give me. 

I like that thought, Openminded. You're right, and I have reached a point now where I can look back at Dday and the time soon after and recognise that the worst of the pain is over now and he can't do that to me again.

Amen, Nomorebeans, thankyou. And your story sounds exactly like what my STBXH did.. Wanted everyone to believe out split was between us only, no mention at all of OW, until I decided to end the charade and expose to our friends. During our argument last night, he had the nerve to say to me, "I know it hurts that I'm with someone else so soon after you." Ummm, after?!?! It's very clear to everyone that this started BEFORE you left me!!!!

The argument last night started because I put his belongings in rubbish bags and threw them out on the front lawn. That was my lowest point in all this. He just viewed it as attention seeking and I was left feeling like I gave him the upper hand again. Again, I feel really embarrassed admitting that , I don't want people to think their time and advice goes unappreciated.. If I had read many of these words before last night, it may have been enough to deter me from acting out the way I did :-( I just want him to HURT. I thought I was doing so well.. But there is nothing I can do about it now.. I need to learn from it and move on.

His bubble of denial is yet to pop, and I need to stop trying to pop it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You are going through the grief cycle. High levels of emotions may cause us to act in erratic behavior . Welcome to the anger stage. When you are likely to interact with him, he will trigger your anger. Best to keep contact to a minimum as best as you can.

Over time, when more of that attachment fades away, he will trigger less of an emotional response.

Use the anger as of now, but keep it within reason to fuel your move to detach from him. The goal is to minimize what he means to you. One day, he will no longer be of any concern.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Toomanyemotions said:


> During our argument last night, he had the nerve to say to me, "I know it hurts that I'm with someone else so soon after you." Ummm, after?!?! It's very clear to everyone that this started BEFORE you left me!!!!
> 
> The argument last night started because I put his belongings in rubbish bags and threw them out on the front lawn. That was my lowest point in all this. He just viewed it as attention seeking and I was left feeling like I gave him the upper hand again. Again, I feel really embarrassed admitting that , I don't want people to think their time and advice goes unappreciated.. If I had read many of these words before last night, it may have been enough to deter me from acting out the way I did :-( I just want him to HURT. I thought I was doing so well.. But there is nothing I can do about it now.. I need to learn from it and move on.
> 
> His bubble of denial is yet to pop, and I need to stop trying to pop it.


You want to SEE him hurt.... exactly how I felt 2.5 years ago when my M went to pot.

In December '12 I took some of our wedding photos and burned them. I watched them closely.... felt nothing.

Your actions may not have been "practical" but you can use this to help you heal.

In my action.... it helped me push forward. Turn every situation into your advantage.

What will make him hurt more than anything is for him to see you live a happy, productive life

without him. You would rather him come crawling back to you and give you the chance to tell him f' off

Could it happen.....yes, should you wait for it to possibly happen.....NO. Moving forward puts you

in a win-win situation.


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## badaboom (Feb 19, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Thankyou everyone. So many amazing thoughts and advice that I can really relate to, thankyou.
> Chuck, you always know the right thing to say.
> 
> Badaboom - your situation sounds very similar to mine. I too, am getting the invites to mutual friends gatherings, STBXH seems to be on the outer. I was finding it so easy to not engage with him for a while, but then it was like the fire reignited or something. Fire of anger that is. And I can't pinpoint what did it. We had an argument last night, nothing new really, just the same old stuff. I feel really ashamed admitting that, as it goes against all the amazing advice so many great people have taken the time to give me.
> ...


Yes, we are in very similar states of mind. I just had two big fights with my husband over the past week. Because I'm angry too. I know how you feel, like you're doing everything wrong. But you're not. I hate feeling like I gave him power, but even if he's not really hearing what I'm saying, I take the opportunities to say how I really feel (things I should have said months ago) and then it's out. I'm not protecting him. The denial bubble will stay for a long time. The less we give them, the better. Because every time we get angry at them and make them feel bad about themselves, they're running to their OW to make them feel better. 

I also keep hearing the whole, it has nothing to do with her nonsense. If it had nothing to do with her, then she wouldn't be in your life (and thereby affecting my life) while we were sorting this out. Denial denial denial. But we can't change what they think. We really can't. So say the things you think will make you feel better getting out, and journal everything else. Because he doesn't care. We want him to care, but he doesn't. It hurts, but it's true.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Hi all,

I just wanted to post an update.. Partially because I have looked back on posts and feel amazed at how much my head space has changed and want to keep documenting it, and partially because I wanted to touch base and let the TAM community know that I still draw on advice given on here and appreciate it everyday.

I am still living in the marital home. It has been on the market for 2 1/2 months, it is a TERRIBLE sellers's market a here Western Aus at the moment. STBXH is still paying half the mortgage, all other finances are separate. Since I hit my "rock bottom" 6 or so weeks ago, throwing his things on the front lawn, I have stayed right away from him. There has only been very minimal text messaging contact, always initiated by him, only concerning the house. He is still with OW. I think they are somewhat public now.

It is his 30th birthday in a few weeks. I cried for the first time in weeks when one of my closest friends told me she would be attending to support her H as he and my STBXH are still friends. She told me she feels a sense of betrayal going (because OW will be there), then this lead in to a long winded (and one sided) conversation about how hard the last 5 months have been for her and her H, because I keep attending events she invites me to, which stops her H from inviting my STBXH, and her H misses his friend. This was a week after another friend, who's H is friends with my STBXH, told her that her H blamed her maintaining a friendship with me, as the reason they didn't get invited to that group of friend's meet and greet dinner with the OW.

I couldn't believe that after all this and everything he has done, I am feeling like the bad guy?? Like this vindictive ex wife trying to steal my ex husband's friends? I was expecting a bit of an apology from my first mentioned friend, but nothing. Our friendship has cooled off since. Her and her H had been there a lot for me over the last 5 months, but now I can't bring myself to initiate or accept invitiations.. What if I'm getting in the way of her H's and my cheating ex husband's friendship?????

In other news, I have been on a few dates with someone  Going on about 6 weeks now, catch up once over the weekends.. I was really concerned about meeting anyone when this all happened, seeing as literally ALL my friends are coupled or married. I met this guy through a mutual friend one night, he tracked down my number, texted me and asked me out. All very sweet and old-fashioned in this digital age. I've never really dated before, so I'm getting used to the whole thing. He can be very hot and cold with how much he contacts me, but it kind of works because I'm not sure what I can offer anyone at the moment. He is 38 (I am 29), he knows my situation, he's never been married, no kids, but one LTR that ended a few years ago when she gave him the "marry me or leave" ultimatum. So I'm a bit baffled about what he might be looking for, but it doesn't feel fair to push him about that when I don't know what I'm looking for! I'm getting a good lesson in patience!

All in all, I'm really happy to be in a much more positive head space than I was a couple of months ago. But it's still so raw that I look back at that time with fear. Fear of an event, an interaction, something, propelling me back into that horrible time. The house isn't sold yet. We haven't divided property yet. I haven't seen them in public yet. We haven't signed divorce papers yet (Need to be separated 12 months in Aus). A small silver lining is that I feel the things I have learnt on this emotional roller coaster have helped me be a bit better prepared for what's to come.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Sorry, but people will stand by their strong attachment even if they are in the wrong. Like Jerry Sanduski's wife stood by his side, or how a parent will keep stating how innocent their child is even if that child is a murderer.

It is time for you to expand your circle of friends. Break-up also has friends as casualties. There will be some friends in common that you might not have in common in the future. You should be receiving emotional support from friends that you do not have in common. People do not like to get involved sometimes and those you need to detach and keep at arm's length or remove all together.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Toomanyemotions said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I have posted here a couple of times about my story, but I am well and truly in the throes of separation now. Some days I feel like I'm coping, some days I feel like I'm drowning.
> 
> ...


OMG.... I am so sorry. You sound like me. I wish I had words for you but I'm new at this and stressing and struggling with you. Best of luck! Message me if you want to vent. We can hate this together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

When my D was final, I had a great deal of friends who had known me 15 years, my XWs friends

As I expected, most cut off contact with me. XW spread many rumors but it never bothered me.

If they knew me that many years and gave a snap judgment without even mentioning it to me,

don't need them in my life anyway. 

We are never aware how many times we lean on our friends when a D devastates your world... but they do

Good friends will be there to a point where they are tired of that person's bellowing and "slinging snot"

and they just stop answering their phones. Maybe as time passes the friendship can be restored.

True friends will do the same but tell you.... this is the part of the process you have to go through alone.

Think your first day of kindergarten and mom stays with you / at the door because you are scared. After a few

days she does not stay, even though you are bawling your eyes out.

True friends will allow you the space to process and check in on you, take a call in the middle of the night

out of nowhere because you had made so much progress but you had "one of those nights"

True friends know when you are healing without you even telling them. When it's time.... they come back into 

your life on a regular basis.

Date just to have fun, enjoy company, try not to get your emotions tied up into one guy....

You've still got some ways to go in your current situation..... but you're getting there..... slow but sure


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Chuck, I feel like you're a fly on the wall of my life. I feel like I eventually won't have much to do with them anymore. I feel like it will be easier for them to allow their relationship with me to "fizzle out", rather than make a stance and cut my STBXH off. Then they will drift closer back to him. As Mr. Fisty said, I feel like I will naturally start keeping them at arm's length, for the sake of my own personal healing. It's been long enough now that I have realised how much having nothing to do with STBXH and not knowing details of what he's doing has helped me start to move forward. And I'm very scared of moving backwards.

AFallenAngel, I'm so so sorry to hear that you're story sounds similar to mine. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. I don't know how far from D day you are, but as seems to be the consensus on TAM, with which I would have to agree, the first 3 months are the hardest. I struggled a lot with it at first, but once I was ready, the 180 was amazing in helping me loosen from the choke hold my STBXH had on my emotions. Surround yourself with those who love you, but also learn to enjoy your own company. Your freedom. PM me whenever you want. I couldn't be getting through this without TAM. I only with I found it sooner.


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Hi TAM community,

Just felt the urge to post another update. Tomorrow will be a year since this whole saga started. Today, a year ago was the last day of my life as I used to know it. 3 days later was D day. Around 6 months since my last update.

Marital home sold, I moved out in November and into a small apartment of my own in December. Yes, MY OWN. I used the money I received from the sale of the marital home as a deposit for it. I love having my own space and being responsible for my own life. Especially after my XH was responsible for so much of it before, like paying bills, etc.

I just ended a short term relationship. It was great while it was good, then I caught him out in a lie, he tried to cover it, didn't handle it's uncovering well, and I couldn't find it in me to forgive. I've hardened. He didn't take the end of our relationship well, which in turn revealed more of his true colours. I felt lonely at first. But then also proud, that given what I've been through, I'm strong enough to walk away from something that I know isn't right for me, rather than staying to reap the emotional benefits of a relationship that I have been lacking in my life.

As I am in Aus, we can file for divorce as of tomorrow. It is too expensive for me to do, which I was thinking of doing, to save the pain that might come with being served. So I wait with bated breath to hear from his lawyer.

He is still with OW. He has drifted from all mutual friends, so I don't hear much about him anymore. Almost like he created a completely new life. Anyone else experienced this? She is 8 years younger than him (he is 30, she is 22), so I am struggling to understands the type of people he is associating with. But I know it's none of my concern. I just can't help but wonder. I'm at the point where it feels so bizarre to think back, think of his name, his face, and see a stranger, not knowing a single thing about his life or who he might be now.

So I hope someone who might be struggling right now, finds this and finds a little hope that in a year from now they will be in a better place. I still have some angry conversations in my head, ask myself questions I will never have the answers to and plot revenge in many creative ways, but I don't recognise the woman I was a year ago and for that I am grateful. I wish my words alone about my journey could be enough to pull someone through the tough part they might find themselves stuck in, but please keep hope. This too shall pass.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

So glad to hear you have moved on with your life. His own chaos is.... his problem now.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. 

Are Ds somewhat expensive in Au? What hobbies are you doing now? Have you developed a circle of

new friends to be around?


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## Toomanyemotions (Mar 11, 2015)

Thanks so much Chuck! Hope you are well.

My lawyer will charge me $1000 and then it's $900 to file with the court. May not be expensive for some, but it is for me at the moment. A cost I think he should incur since he started this whole debacle.

My hobby has been decorating my new home for the last few months, I've really been enjoying it!
But it's only small, so almost finished, I must find something new!

I have become closer with some work colleagues, otherwise I still have the same friends as before. Most of them were my friends before I met my XH, a couple of them are friends I met when I was with him, but that he no longer has anything to do with. He basically stopped contacting them and showing any interest in their lives. But I am feeling the urge to extend my friendship circle.

Strangely I'm finding the approach of Valentines day a bit more difficult than the separation anniversary. I was never big on Valenentines day so I'm not sure why. Maybe because I'm wondering if he will make a big deal of it with her. And it's the first one that they can celebrate openly. And it kind of marks a year of him being free to be with her. Haha, I guess I just answered my own question.

The ending of the short relationship I was in has definitely left more room in my head and heart to let sadness and anger back in, which is really upsetting. But the last year has taught me that it will get better. I just need to try be strong. I would love to know where some others are at a year or more on from separation and infidelity.


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