# Well she did it



## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Little back ground, married for 7 years dated for 3 years,She is 32 her first husband passed away early, I'm 40 married before for 4 years, two boys 5 and 14( stepson). Last two years something has been up, we have been walking on glass with each other, come to find out we have no comunacation skills at all. We never have never had a fight in the last 6 1/2 years.neither one of us wanted to upset each other so we both keep it in which I no is bad, so that was are biggest problem and she says I have a pouting problem, as in if she wants to go somewhere and I don't, I go but I'm not a happy person there, my sister says I have done that since I was little but I'm ready to try to fix my problems but she says that she has mentaly left the marriage and is done. We started to go to counceling and I thought it was to work on the marriage but after going to 7 sessions and two seperate counclers she says she only went to prove to me that she is done. She has been moved out to her moms for two weeks, she is letting the kids live with me every other week.
So tonite I called her and asked her were are relationship is and she said that she made it pretty clear that she is done and I should except her feelings but I can't just give up in 8 weeks time I told her, she said " I guess I'll just get a boyfriend to prove it to you" I'm shocked at all of this, I no it doesn't matter but we have everything house, toys, good jobs, new cars just got back from Hawaii 4 months ago. I just don't understand how when times get tough that instead of working on the marriage she thinks it's easyer to just quit. Should I just cut my loss and give in? I'm starting to get pissed but I still have love for her.
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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Keeping things bottled up without speaking your mind eating you from inside always unsolved issues accumulate with time and at certain point you blew up not knowing the original reason but you will feel tired not handling anymore stress and getting away by avoiding everything causing it even if it is the love of your life and this is what i think it happened to your wife
keep running after her will push her more away
My advice, give her the space she needs, you can't do anything for her right now and you can't change her but you can change yourself. Use your time and energy to help yourself; do good things to yourself, talk to your friends, enjoy your time, be happy get out of your house and do fun things increase your happiness do it for yourself not for her and don't let her bring you down she needs to do the same but you can't help her she needs to help herself by wanting that
Hopefully things will work with both of you


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## OneMarriedGuy (Apr 5, 2010)

Le vieux sage said:


> Keeping things bottled up without speaking your mind eating you from inside always unsolved issues accumulate with time and at certain point you blew up not knowing the original reason but you will feel tired not handling anymore stress and getting away by avoiding everything causing it even if it is the love of your life and this is what i think it happened to your wife
> keep running after her will push her more away
> My advice, give her the space she needs, you can't do anything for her right now and you can't change her but you can change yourself. Use your time and energy to help yourself; do good things to yourself, talk to your friends, enjoy your time, be happy get out of your house and do fun things increase your happiness do it for yourself not for her and don't let her bring you down she needs to do the same but you can't help her she needs to help herself by wanting that
> Hopefully things will work with both of you


I totally agree here. Work on making you be the "you" that you like. If you want to do realtionship building things do them on your own. Maybe read 5 love languages or something to help you see where communication could be improved in the future with whomever you come in contact with.

Best Wishes


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Well I'm trying to focus on fixing me and loving my boys, I just can't understand how someone can just change so fast and give up everything, I have the boys this week and she hasn't even called them to say goodnight that is not at all like her. When we went to counceling I felt like I was blindsided everytime we went because she would bring up things I did at the first of the marriage like not wanting to do things with her friends, I can't fix the past but all they did was drink and I didn't want to be around that, she new that at the time but she told the councelor that I still do it, but I don't. It's like she is draging up things and making things seem bigger than they really are to justify her leaving. In counceling she would say these things and the councelor would ask me why I still do it and I say I don't my wife says I'm just dense and is not telling the true story .but I say I'm fine with problems with me, I'm fine with working on fixing me, I'm fine with saying I'm sorry but I think she is trying to drive me to the loony bin, I was reading old posts on here and came across a story about Gaslighting and it kind of told my story. I don't no if it's true or if that's what she's doing to justify her leaving but it sounds like it. I'm fine with working on my faults I no that people are not perfect. But how can someone just change as in do a 180 in a marriage and just give up when the times are hard, marriage is work and when it gets hard you work on it not just leave. I no we both have issues but they can be worked on if you have two partys willing to work on it but when you only have one then there's not much I can do to save it. I've done everything wrong through these two months as in the begging, pleading and stuff but I'm getting to the point where it's getting kind of funny the way she is acting, like I said before I'm going to work on me and spend as much time as I can with my boys, work on the house to sell it ( which sucks because it's my dream house), and see where life takes me. Hopfully one of these days I will find out the truth in all of this.
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## Jenna (Apr 7, 2010)

captainron said:


> I just can't understand how someone can just change so fast and give up everything
> 
> It's like she is draging up things and making things seem bigger than they really are to justify her leaving.
> 
> ...


It seems quick to you, but you indicated that you both avoided arguments throughout your relationship. These things are not new to her, they've been simmering under the surface for years. The breaking point may have been recently, but the emotional distance has been growing for quite some time. It's not fair that you seem blindsided by this, but keep in mind, it's been gnawing at her.

What she's doing is wrong. For some unknown reason, she has made up her mind for the both of you. She has no right to do that. But, you can't fix it alone. I'm hoping you focus on building happiness in your life and find some answers. I'm sure it will become clear one day - just not today.

Wishing you the best!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You have two options:

1. Roll with it. Be heartbroken, vexed, confused. Chase her, plead, beg, to work at it.

2. Roll with it. Cut her off financially. Do absolutely nothing that isn't required of you. Stay in the house. Do not move out. Option 2 is about making her realize the degree of pain she will experience by choosing _NOT_ to work on reconciliation.
And FYI, if she is telling you that "she will have to go out and get a boyfriend to prove it to you." Odds are she already has one. 

She may still choose to move on. So be it. Although the second option may seen combative, draconian, and completely the opposite of what you would expect to get your spouse to re-engage you, it yields far better results than option 1.


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## too_far_into_it (Jan 6, 2010)

Deejo said:


> You have two options:
> 
> 1. Roll with it. Be heartbroken, vexed, confused. Chase her, plead, beg, to work at it.
> 
> ...


I just have to chime in here. Our circumstances are different, but if my husband used the tactics in the second suggestion I'd be even more determined to never look back. To me it would show me that he never really loved me to begin with. 

I do agree that she probably already has a boyfriend.


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Well I now she doesn't have a boyfriend "right" now but could anytime, her mom still talks to me and that's where she's living and she says she doesn't and doesn't no why she just gave up on her family. She has left the marriage emotionally awile ago and I just have to except that but it's hard to do in 8 weeks, time will tell. The only advice I have to tell anyone that has went through this is look at the signs of problems before they get bigger don't just sit back and think it will get better it won't, you have to work on it together. I can look back and fix everything in my head but I can't change the past, just learn from it. And I wish someone would of guided me to fourms like this the day I got the "I dont love you talk" I would of done everything different just remimber to be calm and no that your life isn't going to end and she's not going to file for divorce overnight. I think I'm a expert on what not to do when you get the talk, because I did everything wrong. I can't help my marriage but maybe I can help a friend when it happens to them.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

too_far_into_it said:


> I just have to chime in here. Our circumstances are different, but if my husband used the tactics in the second suggestion I'd be even more determined to never look back. To me it would show me that he never really loved me to begin with.
> 
> I do agree that she probably already has a boyfriend.


Which is pretty much the point. Most people waffle their way through the separation. In the case of infidelity (which I recognize is not your case) 'waffling' is the worst thing you can do.

If you recognize that your partner is completely serious about giving you what you want in terms of a separation - by making the separation painfully real - and your response reinforces the notion that you want out, then it is still the right choice.

In your circumstance too_far_into_it, I understand why it would strengthen your resolve - because it is that kind of behavior that pushed you away in the first place.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> If you recognize that your partner is completely serious about giving you what you want in terms of a separation - by making the separation painfully real - and your response reinforces the notion that you want out, then it is still the right choice.


Ha, I didn't get the whole "show her/him what it's like to be single" thing--because yeah, that was exactly what I wanted and I was so grateful when my ex finally let go. For me, there was nothing "painful" about that. So yeah, I agree--if your spouse cuts you off except for business-like issues (money, arrangements for kids and concerns about them, etc), and you are relieved and mostly happy with it, then yes, you are making the right choice.

Another advantage to "moving on" and letting the other person choose to come back or not (which is their choice to make, anyway) is that if you really do the work you need to-in focusing on you, your kids, the new life you'll have, you will make things so much easier for the kids. Accepting a new reality, letting go of the spouse with as little resentment as possible (not easy, I know), and embracing this as a new--if not welcome, at least definitely new--opportunity in life, will really change your outlook and experience of the divorce and you may realize YOU are so much happier for the marriage having ended, once you come out on the other side, so to speak. 

Don't simply "fake it" like you are moving on and doing it in hopes of winning them back. Two reasons for this: a) they'll be able to tell (because you are likely to be inconsistent) and b)you will eventually be miserable if it "doesn't work." If you really commit--ok, we are both going to know what it's like to be single, and I'm going to do this as best as I can without focusing on whether s/he comes back or not, as though they never will--then you will get so much more out of it. Be sure to get some counseling, even if you feel like it's too expensive or not needed--because otherwise, you may miss the things you need to work on for the NEXT relationship. You can put off that part for a while (while getting the nitty-gritty worked out), but don't put it off indefinitely. Blaming the other person and assuming they've just gone off their rocker is a mistake--maybe they didn't handle things well, but there are reasons they weren't happy in the marriage. Happily married people don't leave. 

Good luck.


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Ok I have a question for all of you, as I sit here and look around in are house and try to think of how to heal. Should I pack all her stuff up? When she left all she took was her clothes that she needs right now. She has told me that we are done, I allways have hope that we can work it out but each day that gets smaller and smaller. I don't want to pack her stuff up to piss her off I just don't want to look at it and think about the past. I have to see her every Sunday because she is either dropping off kids or picking up, also she is still paying for half of the morgage of the house because I can't afford it all and she said she would intell we sell it, would it be wrong to change the locks?so far she doesn't come in when I'm not here and she knocks when I'm home.just asking these question as I font want to ruffle antibes feathers but I need to heal to. Thanks for all the advice from everyone so far, I just wish I would of read this forum a year ago.
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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

This is the hardest time you are going through plus you are staying in the house where you have all the memories of happy time together even the bad time and the hurt 
Your relationship didn't end the way it suppose to end waiting your wife to heal and wake up is really hard 
you need to figure out what you want
And for sure this situation won't stay long it will come a time when you sit both at a table and discuss whether you are going to give a chance to your relationship or end it up hopefully in a friendly way for the good of the kids
For uncountable reasons now you need to cope with the new life 
As for now you can't decide about ending everything so you need to keep her belonging home 
Everything has it's dark and bright side what you can't change you can at list adjust yourself to it in a way to not let it bother your life 

You said you want to heal so you started to love yourself I need you to ask yourself some questions
Have you done something for YOU since your first post 
After she left home are you talking to friends or you are isolating yourself
Are you going to the gym and doing any activity or staying home with your memories 
Did you invite yourself for lunch or dinner, to watch a movie or even to take a walk and have clear mind at list once in a while or you feel desperate and you don't want to enjoy anything in life
You said you want to heal what have you done to yourself to help yourself healing and how do you fill your free time 
How to Fill Your Free Time With Useful Things - wikiHow
This is a good helpful site
The reason i am saying that is because you have to deal with a situation only time is able to clear it and you need to wait for answers may not come as soon as you expect them 
And the time won't go as fast as you want so you need to kill time instead of letting the time kill you
Until you have the opportunity to take the wise and right decision i wish that YOU TAKE CARE OF YOU


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## captainron (Feb 19, 2010)

Well I started a new post on the going through d and seperation since that is where I am now look for part 2
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