# free with three?



## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

Let me start by saying I love my wife very much. There is nothing in this world that makes me happier than seeing her smile.
When she holds me or kisses me I feel like the luckiest man alive.

Sexually however things got off to a confusing start. 

I discovered she had been attacked when she was younger. Of course I was patient and tried to understand as best I could. She wanted to take things slow sexually and appeared to have many reservations - I explained that it was OK, that I hoped we would have all the time in the world and that I just wanted her to feel safe, secure and comfortable with me. She seemed so happy with that.

I then discovered that she had lied about being with another at the start of our relationship - I soon discovered she told many lies at the beginning (her past caught up with her and contacted me!). It appeared that her past included affairs and casual sexual encounters which were beyond events in our own relationship.

I was confused. The reason as to her reservation with me seemed to be no longer valid? She tried to tell me that she wanted her relationship with me to be different because it was love. But the past (and most importantly the lies about it) had left wounds.

She has never wanted sexual activity with me a lot (and maybe this is due to the beginings?) years down the line we are married and I still find her sexy, desirable and amazing. However she does not want me much.  She says she loves me and will never let me go. That I am the right one for her, the one who made her life get love in it evebn though she was aware she didn't display it.

Even though she never acts out sex, she seems sexy in thought and she has fantasised and talked openly of such. She had fantasies about third persons (girls and boys). She talked me into just playing a bit with the fantasy with a guy - flirting and such. She was fun and exciting and I wanted her to be happy so she talked me into letting her have fun with that. Nothing more happened... 
Then it did with an old friend of hers - she became very sexually excited and unreserved towards him and also seemed to display affection towards this other. She became excited about a threesome. She says he is just like a toy.

I am left confused. What is wrong with me? - everything about her not displaying affection seems only with me! 
Am I being too nice to give her this freedom?
Does she really not care for me?

I'm interested to know others thoughts.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

This to me sounds like your entire marriage is built on a lie. I wsa once in a relationhip something similar to yours in the way that she said she was raped when she was 10 yers old. This person though was a real hot pants. As we went through, I found out she was having affairs left right and centre. When I found out the first lie she told, I wouldn't believe it. Then I found out more and more. She too talked about threesomes but I thought it more a fantasy than anything. She kept on the pressure and this was when the doubts creeped in. Needless to say, I ended that relationship. Turns out the whole thing was a complete fabrication.

What I'm saying here that ther are some people who are compulsive liars and can't help themselves. They come up and ask all sorts of things and if you deny, they'll just take it under ground and that's what she was doing.

I'm not going to tell you what I think you should do. I'm just letting you know what you're in for from what I little I can see. Beware.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

It sounds as though your wife has never been physically attracted to you and used the attack as an excuse to explain it. She has sex drive and imagination -- this is no cold fish!

So... what do you want?

You have been deceived, there is no doubt. Is this a dealbreaker? If so, deal with it.

... or ...

You can figure out why you are not attractive to her and change it. The way you act, dress, interact - shake it up and catch her attention. She certainly talks to you about all her 'bad girl' thoughts... maybe she wants you to treat her like a 'bad girl' -- could be fun. Use your imagination


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I see nothing that falls into the "whats wrong with me" catagory. The real problem you face is whats wrong with her.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I think Stonewall says it all


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I personally think that she has not healed from being attacked at a younger age. She needs help to get over that. It takes a long time to fully trust someone when something so horrible has happened in the past as so. Even if you are healed.

There could be many triggers taking her back to those memories. 

Marring someone based off lies from the beginning is not good. I would find it very hard to trust in what they've had to say. There is no excuse for lying at any time to your spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

That's if she was attacked of course.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Diolay said:


> That's if she was attacked of course.


That's true or it could be the cause of her lying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I personally think that she has not healed from being attacked at a younger age. She needs help to get over that. It takes a long time to fully trust someone when something so horrible has happened in the past as so. Even if you are healed.
> 
> There could be many triggers taking her back to those memories.
> 
> ...


My first thought with the sex situation was that it could be a result of the earlier attack (which there is evidence of as the guy was a stalker for some time)- maybe like taking control back after it was taken away?

I really don't know anymore.

What never happened was me probing into the past at the start - her past came looking for me!! and really was a problem at one time. Maybe the past came to me before she felt ready to tell me, there is certainly at least some truth to that. 

She is much more honest with me now, that I am sure although I would be lying if I said that previous dishonesty no longer places doubts in me, I don't think you recover from lies easily, do you.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Sometimes people with turbulent lives seek out partners who will help them to be stable. Maybe that is what is happening? 

Women can be sexually attracted to the 'bad-boy' type while craving the stability provided by the nice guy. 

Did her being with the other guy do anything for you sexually? I ask that not to be prurient but because there are couples who enjoy this set-up and have good, satisfying marriages.


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## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Sometimes people with turbulent lives seek out partners who will help them to be stable. Maybe that is what is happening?
> 
> Women can be sexually attracted to the 'bad-boy' type while craving the stability provided by the nice guy.
> 
> Did her being with the other guy do anything for you sexually? I ask that not to be prurient but because there are couples who enjoy this set-up and have good, satisfying marriages.


To answer the question:
It just served to confuse me and compound my own questions as to what is really happening here.
I like to see her happy and that is one effect but at the same time that was countered by rejection.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's obvious - you let her push you from the very start into being non-sexual in your relationship with her.

she asked you to be a nice guy and you went along.

She lost respect and attraction to you.

She then asked to fool around with another guy? And you let her!!! Seriously?

You're wife isn't attracted to you, she doesn't really want sex with you - so the solution is that she gets to cheat???????

WTF?

Sir, you have been very played by a selfish woman. 

Sounds like she's now having an affair with this OM. If not in front of you, then behind your back. She's had clear experience in the past being very sexual active and in affairs so you better realize she knows very well how to hide this from you.

So stop dealing with this like a push over nice guy and realize that your situation isn't "my wife isn't interested", and is instead "my wife is fooling around with another guy".

First - She stops seeing these other guys - not just fooling around - but actually stops all contact.

Second - you need to check up and make sure they've really stopped and not just gone underground

Third - No freaking way should you let her have her threesome. 

Fourth - you need to realize you are already or are soon to be a cuckold - is this acceptable to you?

Be prepared to pull out the big D here. She's been using you as a meal ticket and as a nice-guy to do stuff for her. 

Fifth - Read no more mr.nice guy ASAP. You really need to learn to stand up for yourself and not accept her very selfish actions.


Wow! Seriously - your wife doesn't act sexual with you - so you let her get together with another guy! And how has that helped you get more? She got permission to cheat - you got shafted!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

abk said:


> She says she loves me and will never let me go. That I am the right one for her, the one who made her life get love in it evebn though she was aware she didn't display it.


This is exactly the kind of thing women say to nice guys they cheat on. 

All the evidence sounds like she's cheating on you already. You've let her put you into the caretaker, "fix her role", while the other guys give her the attention and excitement she wants.

most importantly - they don't let her run the relationship. They make her work to be with them.

I don't mean to harp or attack you here - I do want to wake you up to the very real situation that she's essentially got major issues and has been able to get you to actually accept her CHEATING.

If she was attacked - then she should be in therapy not the arms of another man!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She sounds like a typical abuse/assault survivor. She can be quite sexually uninhibited or even promiscuous, but NOT within a marriage. She is confused about sex and maybe love.

She needs therapy for her assault. No question about it, and separate from any other issue which may exist. A sexual assault messes up a person's brain badly.

Letting her bring another man into your marriage isn't going to make her have better sex with you. Don't do it.


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## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> abk.......just checking for understanding.
> 
> Did she have sex with another man while you were married?
> 
> ...


It has not crossed that line to date, although it has seemed dangerously close for the past week. She had made no secret of her desire.

She has stated that she will not pursue if I say stop however her past (and previous lies) makes me scared of her passions going underground. So I kinda feel trapped by a kind of "Damned if I do, damned if I don't" situation.

What confusing is Shaggys words earlier were harsh but also correct to a degree, she IS selfish, she admits this too. She did indeed push me into this role with lies (or maybe more half-truths) . The thing seems more mixed up than his view however.




Thor said:


> She sounds like a typical abuse/assault survivor. She can be quite sexually uninhibited or even promiscuous, but NOT within a marriage. She is confused about sex and maybe love.
> 
> She needs therapy for her assault. No question about it, and separate from any other issue which may exist. A sexual assault messes up a person's brain badly.
> 
> Letting her bring another man into your marriage isn't going to make her have better sex with you. Don't do it.


Thor: Agreed, I do believe she is confused about sex and love, and attack no doubt had it's role to play in this. (what I question is the degree)
I also believe her ego is a major factor, she has always been a bit of the egotist (maybe due to being the prettiest girl at school etc.) 

I wondered that maybe her ego warped the attack into giving sex an image of just something you can take with no regard for others. 

There are other factors that seem to compound this like the fact her mother sided with her attacker (he was friend of the family) and did not believe her. I can see this was damaging for her a lot as I know for a fact the attacker is an extraordinary bad man (I have had my own dealings with him).

I thought by giving her more freedom it may help her feel more open to give and think about her actions on others, however she just seems to be abusing it and using it as a destructive force at every opportunity?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to save your marriage you both need individual counseling and marriage counseling.

Do you have open access to her email, phones and texts? You really need to keep an eye on things?


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## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

Counseling doesn't really exist where we live... Well it's called a Monk.

She has given me access to those things as a display of honesty to me (although I am perfectly aware she could make a different email address if she liked)


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Judging by the questions we all had to ask to be clear on what your wife had or hadn't done and whether you were or weren't into it, I would say that you need to be very clear with her about how you feel. If she doesn't know that she is hurting you then you can't expect her to stop.

Be clear with her.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

It is an awful situation but he horrible truth is she is not sexually attracted to you. It really doesn't matter why and it's not a case where her past has made her afraid of sex in general. You alone can't fix her. 

You may be a stable influence on her and back-up for support. She may truly love you but you are not her lover.

If I had to bet, I would bet that an affair lies in the future and possibly (unknown) in your past. Her current behaviour will persist until age reduces her sex drive and she is no longer interested in any sex of any kind.

You need to decide if that kind of marriage is acceptable to you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

abk said:


> Counseling doesn't really exist where we live... Well it's called a Monk.
> 
> She has given me access to those things as a display of honesty to me (although I am perfectly aware she could make a different email address if she liked)


Thats why you need a keylogger on the computer and keep an eye on phone and text records. Your number one priority is to protect your family using the tools you can.


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