# Dealing with spouse who won't seek help



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

So my husband has OCD, specifically pertaining to germs or contamination, or with identity theft (to the point where is holds on to receipts or paycheck stubs for YEARS). This leads to a lot of stress for both of us since I am only allowed to clean with vinegar and water if he is around (which is fine), but heaven forbid, I set something in a place he deemed as contaminated he freaks out. So I feel like I give up on cleaning because I'm doing it "wrong"....and yet he gets so overwhelmed that he doesn't do it. 

His bleeding hands from washing them so often doesn't even signal that something is wrong, he thinks it's just excessively dry skin (or that there's a health issue to freak about). 
He once got rid of a perfectly good car because at the time he was working at a factory that had chemicals and when he quit he had to get rid of the contaminated car. 

Some of the habits he has (like changing socks every time he moves from our first floor to second floor) are manageable. The controlling issue that goes with it, is very hard. Sadly he won't seek help, probably ever.

I want to be supportive of him as a person without having to bend over backwards to accommodate his behaviors when they are unreasonable.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If this germ issue is so bad, are you all even able to have sex? 

It all boils down to you. What you will and will not continue to live with. How are other things in your marriage? Is the OCD the only issue? All you can do is suggest that he sees a therapist. Then the rest is up to you, if he chooses not to and this is how your life will be with him, then you will need to decide if you are ok living like this.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Does he know how you think about his habits? Does he know he has OCD or does he think that his fears are reasonable? What are the reasons why he does not seek help?


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> Does he know how you think about his habits? Does he know he has OCD or does he think that his fears are reasonable? What are the reasons why he does not seek help?


He knows that I shut down when he gets so controlling. It seems that once in a while he will acknowledge that he has it, but it's more of a fleeting thought for him and he doesn't show any interest in curtailing his behaviors because the only pain it causes him is when his hands bleed (which he just uses more and more lotion)
I think that he either truly doesn't see it as a real problem or he fears seeking help because he's afraid of using any drugs (contamination). 
I'm certain that this stems from him having leukemia when he was young, the chemo, the needles, the fear of not really knowing why he got it. 

He's very self centered, so telling him how it effect me or our daughter would not really help him understand.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

That's understandable. Leukemia must be traumatic.

It is possible to treat OCD without using medication. Does he know that?

What would he do if you do not go along with his requests? If you tell him "I won't clean the house with vinegar because it stinks. I am using pinesol or whatever". Did you try?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

H30 said:


> So my husband has OCD, specifically pertaining to germs or contamination, or with identity theft (to the point where is holds on to receipts or paycheck stubs for YEARS). .
> 
> Some of the habits he has (like changing socks every time he moves from our first floor to second floor) are manageable.


If nothing else, I can think of two suggestions to ease the strain.

Move to a one level ranch house and buy him a crosscut shredder for Xmas.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Ha, Lenzi. He got those automatic lysol soap dispensers last year for Christmas. 
He will always find something to think contaminates us. 

I'm not saying I can't support him or try to help ease his worries when I can. It isn't fair to say that his problem is something I can't handle, I've brought my fair share to the table I'm sure (though I am more likely to recognize problems and address them, usually). It really is at this point, more of how I can stay strong and not feel like I'm tip toeing around him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My dad had multiple chemical sensitivity. OMG was he impossible to live with. I couldn't take it and moved out when I was 18 but my mother stayed. My dad got rid of all the furniture, ripped up the carpet, made my mom cook on the covered patio, she had to shower before entering the house, etc. 

When we visited we were made to sit outside, downwind of him and weren't allowed in the house. Truly nuts. His rules had rules and we always tip toed around him.

My mother managed to stay until he died and I think how she coped was she just stayed gone as much as she could and she drank.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> My dad had multiple chemical sensitivity. OMG was he impossible to live with. I couldn't take it and moved out when I was 18 but my mother stayed. My dad got rid of all the furniture, ripped up the carpet, made my mom cook on the covered patio, she had to shower before entering the house, etc.
> 
> When we visited we were made to sit outside, downwind of him and weren't allowed in the house. Truly nuts. His rules had rules and we always tip toed around him.
> 
> My mother managed to stay until he died and I think how she coped was she just stayed gone as much as she could and she drank.


From what I understand Multiple Chemical Sensitivity is more of a physical thing....not something that can be treated with therapy or anxiety meds. I am sure it was horrible, but for him too since there is not any treatment


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My dad had multiple chemical sensitivity. OMG was he impossible to live with.


That's completely different. Your dad had a real physical problem as compared to OCD in which the proglem exists only in the mind of the patient.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

lenzi said:


> That's completely different. Your dad had a real physical problem as compared to OCD in which the proglem exists only in the mind of the patient.


Mental problems are just as valid and real as physical problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

soulpotato said:


> Mental problems are just as valid and real as physical problems.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's true but not relevant.

This thread is about a person who has a mental disorder and refuses to seek help. The post I questioned was written by a woman whose father had a physical problem, a chemical or environmental sensitivity as she describes it. Her father did do many things to address his physical disorder and his wife supported him to the end, but his daughter apparently found his "rules" to be inconvenient.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lenzi said:


> That's completely different. Your dad had a real physical problem as compared to OCD in which the proglem exists only in the mind of the patient.


Ah but it WAS mental and I could prove it. We fooled my dad numerous times by switching labels, bags, whatever and he could never tell. He could come to my house but not my sisters. :scratchhead: Reason was he liked me but didn't like her.

It wasn't a physical problem it was all in his head same as OCD.

Oh and he was given meds and they helped A LOT but he quit taking them because he didn't like them.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> Mental problems are just as valid and real as physical problems.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I completely agree. In my husband's case of not seeking treatment it's almost like if he had diabetes and refused to eat properly or take his medications.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Ah but it WAS mental and I could prove it. (


Oh. When you said he had multiple chemical sensitivity it appeared you were describing a physical problem. 

I guess if you had said "My dad believed he had a multiple chemical sensitivity issue" it would have been less ambiguous.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> Mental problems are just as valid and real as physical problems.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


... but I don't think you help a person with mental health issues by treating his fears as if they were real. That will only confince him that they ARE valid.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

The mental health problem is valid. The fear of germs is not. Thanks God. Otherwise we would all be dead by now because we do not behave like her H.
He is a smart person. Getting his phD.
He thinks / feels "I do my best to avoid bacteria. I am still alive. That is the proof that what I do works". Now if if did not do his cleaning rituals for a time and realized he does not die / become sick he will be relieved and does not have to do it any longer.

That is what they do in CBT.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Do you all have a sex life? Or is he ok with body fluids, and doesn't see that as germs or harmful to him?


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> Do you all have a sex life? Or is he ok with body fluids, and doesn't see that as germs or harmful to him?


Yes and no. There are many times that the sex thing doesn't bother him too much...but I have caught him washing his hands after foreplay. He has to not be anxious or stressed, I can't try to jump him as soon as he gets home from anywhere because he has to shower first. Sex seems to always be on his terms. 

I don't think is AS much germs to him as it is the whole idea of contamination, potential serious disease or cancers. Any chemicals or anything that might be considered a carcinogen is his main focus it seems. I think we JUST got him out of the irrational fear of wifi (he thinks the wifi is going to cause brain cancers).


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

H30 said:


> Yes and no. There are many times that the sex thing doesn't bother him too much...but I have caught him washing his hands after foreplay. He has to not be anxious or stressed, I can't try to jump him as soon as he gets home from anywhere because he has to shower first. Sex seems to always be on his terms.
> 
> I don't think is AS much germs to him as it is the whole idea of contamination, potential serious disease or cancers. Any chemicals or anything that might be considered a carcinogen is his main focus it seems. I think we JUST got him out of the irrational fear of wifi (he thinks the wifi is going to cause brain cancers).


He must have a regular dr he visits if he is a cancer survivor right? Is that dr aware of his OCD? 
Would he go to marriage counseling with you? One of my friends found out her husband had OCD tendencies at counseling and the therapist got him to try taking metholated folate (deplin), which is not a drug. It's an FDA approved supplement but you need a script for it.
His OCD greatly improved.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Oldfaithful said:


> He must have a regular dr he visits if he is a cancer survivor right? Is that dr aware of his OCD?
> Would he go to marriage counseling with you? One of my friends found out her husband had OCD tendencies at counseling and the therapist got him to try taking metholated folate (deplin), which is not a drug. It's an FDA approved supplement but you need a script for it.
> His OCD greatly improved.


He was 3 I believe when he was diagnosed. Considered in remission around 5 and cured by 12....something like that. So he hasn't seen any doctors regarding his OCD. He sometimes admits to it, but most times dismisses any psychological issues. Doubt he would take anything to be honest, he won't even take Tylenol. His mother knows his thing with meds too because after he had his gallbladder removed this summer, his mother had me make sure that he took the pain meds in the first few days. 

We have tried MC almost 4 years ago when he had doubts about our marriage but he still can't seem to work out what his issue with our marriage is. He claims to have premonitions and says there is something going wrong that he "sees". How do you fight that?


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> ... but I don't think you help a person with mental health issues by treating his fears as if they were real. That will only confince him that they ARE valid.


Yeah, but that wasn't my point.  I was just addressing that mental health issues are just as valid as physical ones.

On the subject of OCD... I have some slight OCD going on, and I find it VERY distressing when my partner won't cooperate. She has finally broken me of the you-must-not-sit-on-furniture-with-outside/contaminated-clothing, but it still bugs me to leave the couch cover unwashed afterward and to sit on it. I have been trying to make myself go for longer periods of time before I wash it after such contamination, but I always feel relieved when the cover is finally "pure" again. There are many little things like that, and I often fight my compulsions (especially new ones that crop up) so I don't get too bad.

I can just imagine how distressing it is for someone who is REALLY OCD. "Going along with it" = relief/status quo, fighting it is...rather like the whole desensitization to a phobia process, I imagine. I think the best way is to take one thing at a time while allowing the others to stay. Trying to stop it all at once would just be too overwhelming. 

Oh, and the person ALREADY believes that their fears are valid, so I doubt going along with it would further convince them, it would just drive the non-OCD person crazier. I know that's how it is in my situation. When my partner stopped fighting me (this was years ago), I was like, "At last you see reason!" I was satisfied that she had "gotten with the program", but not extra convinced of the validity of my own feelings on it - that was never in question for me (at that time). When she outright told me that my rituals and fears were invalid and unreasonable, it made no difference whatsoever to what I felt and believed.


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Thank you soulpotato for your insight. Yes, it is not as simple as telling him that his fears, and his reactions, are irrational. That's like saying that telling an anorexic to eat, or alcoholic to simply stop drinking is going to cure them....it's not. 
My husband and I have been together almost 13 years now and he only just in the past year or so said that he agrees that he has OCD tendencies. 
And to be honest, in someways, it is exhausting to try to fight it when it isn't crushing him. He's still able to work, go to school. 
Sometimes it's easiest to find ways around the OCD (I have have obsessive list making and note taking, so in school, I had to get a laptop to take notes so I wasn't rewriting all my notes by hand).

Great, I now sound like a huge mess...lol


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

H30 said:


> Thank you soulpotato for your insight. Yes, it is not as simple as telling him that his fears, and his reactions, are irrational. That's like saying that telling an anorexic to eat, or alcoholic to simply stop drinking is going to cure them....it's not.


Sure.  You sound like you really understand.



H30 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 13 years now and he only just in the past year or so said that he agrees that he has OCD tendencies.
> And to be honest, in someways, it is exhausting to try to fight it when it isn't crushing him. He's still able to work, go to school.
> Sometimes it's easiest to find ways around the OCD (I have have obsessive list making and note taking, so in school, I had to get a laptop to take notes so I wasn't rewriting all my notes by hand).
> 
> Great, I now sound like a huge mess...lol


I guess you could strike a balance between trying to work with him on (dissuade him from doing) something that bothers you, but doesn't seem as critical to him as some of his other things? 

Hey, we all have our things.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

H30,

Really sorry you are going through this. I'm going to be honest with you. Mental illness and/or OCD issues get worse over time and you will find yourself dealing with his irrational fear which will change and get worse over time. It's exhausting and you are taking a huge risk by just hoping things get better. You are wasting your life. 

Many here are anti-divorce and pro counseling. Personally I think it's not your responsibility to make your husband compatible for marriage. OCD issues are very destructive to a marriage as the other partner literally has to put aside their life to cater to the fears of the OCD suffer. 

You will have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I personally would not stay very long. I know it sounds harsh but at the end of the day none of us here have to deal with what you deal with at home. None of us here can tag team with you to give you a "break" from his irrational behavior. There are only TWO solutions here:

1. He gets help and treatment to control it where it barely affects the marriage.

2. You divorce and find a mentally healthy partner. 

While I sympathize with the mentally ill, it's an absolute waste of a good life to stay with somebody who causes you chronic harm and unhappiness.


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## DDDCanada (Mar 23, 2011)

My ex has bipolar disorder and refused to accept treatment or take medication. She would take medication for a few days or weeks and then stop cold turkey. She was extremely volatile to a point where the relationship could not be sustained. I would suggest that if your husband is unwilling to get or accept help, you should not be expected to live with the consequences.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

H30,

Apologies to those who prefer more timely responses. 


Your husband sounds very much like me about 14 years ago. As bizarre as it seems to me now.

There was no apparent preceding event I could ever see. (No childhood cancer, for instance.)

Truthful feedback from my wife, my parents, and in-laws helped me -- or at least planted a seed of doubt about the sanity of my behaviors.

At my worst, my wife was at a low depression-wise. Then when she started antidepressants and started feeling better, life just started feeling even harder for me. I started having involuntary thought/images of my "death by suicide", though I consciously had no intent whatsoever to harm myself or anyone. But these thoughts/images kept coming on their own.

THAT scared the hell out of me. I went to see my Dr., and she reached for her prescription pad as I got to the part about the intrusive morbid thoughts.

SSRIs helped me greatly.

Point is, it wasn't my OCD that got me to the Des office (in my mind at the tine). It was fear I was depressed enough I might harm myself.

In later years, in IC, I have been told the intrusive morbid thoughts were more to do with OCD than depression. I am pretty sure I was dealing with both, though.

I can tell you life with the over concern about chemicals and germs was hell for me on the inside. It was like a chronic state of extreme internal conflict and stress. I am sure it is hard to live with in someone else, and for that I am very sorry. But it was never fueled by malice Afaik.


Now, a partner that refuses to get help or even a diagnosed -- that is an awful thing to be faced with, too. I have experienced both ends of that. On the receiving end, I am learning I cannot lead a horse to water or make one take a drink. I can only remember to seek water for myself and drink, lest I stop living. If that means I walk away and am not followed, walk I must.


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