# The power of sex



## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I am confused about something, please help. A few days ago, my marriage was all but over. We discussed how to split stuff up, then that night after more discussion I believe I had an anxiety attack. The next day, we had sex. Now he acts like everything is fine, like we never fought, or were about to split up. I am confused and depressed. Can sex really fix everything just like that for a man? How am I supposed to feel?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

racemom said:


> Can sex really fix everything just like that for a man? How am I supposed to feel?


It depends whether that was his major complaint before. It makes no difference whether it is a man or woman doing the complaining.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

my guess is, he interprets you having sex with him, as equating to everything's fine now. Yes, some men think this way. Notice I said Some! ;-) He probly figures you wouldn't have sex with him if you were still upset, or wanted to leave. It could also be that he just wants to keep the peace for a little while, just so there isn't any arguing. But to answer your question, no, having sex won't fix all this, it's still there, and the issues between you, no matter how many , are still there. 

But, it is nice that you two could connect on a physical level again. Even if it was just for pure pleasure and not an emotional connection as well. It's a starting point. But you will have to be honest with him and let him know that you want to fix your marriage.

Try going a few days, and try your best not to argue, or bring up things that are hurting you. Just keep the peace for a little while between the two of you. Maybe even make love again if you're up for it. 

then, take him out for coffee, or to a pretty park for a walk, my hubby adn I always enjoy long talks in the park, while we walk, or on our back deck at night when the kids are asleep. Just be non-confrontational, and let him know you love him, but that you have some things , and you're sure he does too, that you want so much to be worked out, and okay again.... 

Tell him you would like some therapy, for you both together, and individually. Just let him know how you feel. Don't get into an argument about the porn though, as that's not the main issue when you're trying to get him to work with you. Getting hiim to work with you is the issue. You can address the specifics at a therapy session. If he is willing.

I hope this helps, I know you're probably very confused and hurt.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

OK, so yesterday, I went to the doc, told her I was confused, overwhelmed, probly had anxiety, a little depressed. We discussed drugs and therapy. She gave me some samples of antidepressants and something to calm me down so I can sleep. Also highly recommended therapy, the two together work well she said. I told my H about the visit, now he is all against this. Taking drugs is going to be addictive, blah, blah, blah, etc. A few days ago he wanted to do whatever to help me, now he is against this. My thinking isn't the clearest yet, so of course, I'm STILL confused! I did sleep better last night, but have yet to take a antidepressant pill. I'm sure they will help, but now I don't know what to do. I thought I was making a step in the right direction by getting help, now he is making me second guess myself. Is he afraid that when I get better I will realize I may still not love him? I just don't understand how he thinks having sex a couple of times fixes everything. I can't just turn the page and forget everything that has happened. How can he?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

racemom said:


> Taking drugs is going to be addictive, blah, blah, blah, etc. A few days ago he wanted to do whatever to help me, now he is against this. My thinking isn't the clearest yet, so of course, I'm STILL confused! I did sleep better last night, but have yet to take a antidepressant pill.


He is right, they are addictive!

Before you start taking them (if you do take them), decide in advance how long you want to be on them. Because if you don't your doc. will quite happily let you remain on them until the day you die. You will not feel like yourself any more either. They create detachment. It will feel as if you are just observing your life from a distance, rather than actively engaged in it.

if he was just using you, he would want you to take any pill that would make you comply with his wishes. It sounds like he actually cares.



racemom said:


> I just don't understand how he thinks having sex a couple of times fixes everything.* I can't just turn the page and forget everything that has happened.* How can he?


Why not? Do you like holding on to the past? was sex a big part of the issues before?


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I have decided to try the pills, mainly because I think things get worse before they get better and they may HELP me to stay calm, depending on what the future holds. I don't plan to take them forever, however, I have gone thru this a few times before and I'm hoping to prevent another big breakdown. 

As far as living in the past goes, I guess I've always done that. It is VERY hard for me to forgive and forget. Usually if you pi$$ me off, you'll only do it once, because you won't get a second chance. My H is the ONLY exception. I've been stabbed in the back too many times, so I guess this is my defense mechanism. In all of our arguements including leading right up to when we were going to split up, that's all we fought about: the past. He dug stuff out of my past, I did too, then it became a blame game. That's why I'm confused about how he can just forget all that was said. And that's why I think I want to try therapy, because it comes down to fighting about the same things everytime and for me, like I said, it doesn't JUST go away. Like I said before, I know I'm very confused right now also, hoping someone or something can shed a little light.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

racemom said:


> Can sex really fix everything just like that for a man? How am I supposed to feel?


No - you clearly have a lot of underlying issues that need to be looked at. Burying them under the rug will be temporary. You're "supposed to feel" however you feel! Your feelings are yours and valid for you.

I suggest you look for an opportunity to talk to him. Say something like, "I really liked that we were able to connect like that the other day but I'd feel closer to you if we could address some of our issues together."

Trust your instincts and your feelings. If you feel like, "Gosh, this doesn't feel right - how can all of the problems just be gone..." then they probably aren't. I don't know how they could be.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

We watched "Fireproof" last nite. I thought it was pretty good, totally the EXACT story of where we are right now. Afterwards we talked about it a little. He was mad because they "made the man look bad and the woman was sniffing on another man and they didn't say anything about that." I feel I really got a lot out of the movie, but obviously he didn't. He totally missed it. I really need the "litttle things." I enjoy but DON'T need material things. I get more out of giving than receiving. He it total opposite. I think it is true what they say: a woman marries a man she hopes she can change and a man marries a woman cuz he thinks she won't. Is a future together hopeless?


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## whyme (Mar 4, 2009)

I am so glad someone else saw that movie. I cried through the whole thing while my husband sat there calling her the *****. Never do I condone cheating...however, I see where it happens when you are not getting the love you desire. Dont get me wrong..i never would cheat or think it is alright..I just get when it happens. Anyway, I also got so much from that movie hoping he would have too..he hated it and pretty much watched it because I was and he knew I would have flipped if he walked out. I have no advice for you right now..i am sorry...I am at the end of my own rope and an anti-husband at the moment....lol...however....that movie should be publicized more...it truly could bring relationships back together once both people are ready to commit again! Good luck


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I already feel like everything has went back to same ol', same ol'. He doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything, not even with the kids for spring break. I asked about supper out tonite, just us. Nope, doesn't feel like it, just wants to stay home. I feel like I'm just waiting or another big fight to start. I just don't know how to get thru to him. I have told him what I need, we've watched Fireproof. No response, or if he does respond, its "why can't you plan a nite out" or "it's your job to do _________". He is totally missing the point that I've been trying to make. I just want him to step up, just once. The pills I started taking seem to be helping a little, I think. I don't feel quite so down, at least there are ups in my days now. Now my thoughts are I will probably need them when this marriage comes crashing down again. Any suggestions?:scratchhead:


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

racemom said:


> The pills I started taking seem to be helping a little, I think. I don't feel quite so down, at least there are ups in my days now. Now my thoughts are I will probably need them when this marriage comes crashing down again. Any suggestions?:scratchhead:


I've only recently come to realise that how we feel has very little bearing on the real meaning of what is going on. Taking pills might make you feel better. If they prevent self harm, then they're a good thing. If they simply adjust mood, then it's papering over the cracks.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I've only recently come to realise that how we feel has very little bearing on the real meaning of what is going on. Taking pills might make you feel better. If they prevent self harm, then they're a good thing. If they simply adjust mood, then it's papering over the cracks.


I'd believe that. As I said before, I feel I may need them to help prevent another meltdown when this marriage falls apart, as it doesn't appear I can get thru to H to get what I need. I also feel that I have been burned so many times by the people I should be able to trust(this is where the anxiety comes in), so I guess I'm anticipating my trust to be broken again. So I guess I'm using them as self defense(?), hoping they will keep me sane when something does happen.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

racemom-

Wow, I'm impressed that you agree with me. I was expecting an argument. If you analyse what you just said, you will see the tension in your life:



racemom said:


> I also feel that I have been burned so many times by the people I *should be able to trust*(this is where the anxiety comes in), so I guess I'm anticipating my trust to be broken again.


You will always have pain if you go against what you know is true. It's always a strain if we try to make people into what they are not. We have to see things as they are, not as we would like them to be. Pills get in the way of that. They make everything feel more mellow than it really is.

The deeper message is that how things feel is quite arbitrary anyway. It all depends on mood and other transitory factors. But if we take ourselves too seriously, we believe everything we feel is the utter utter truth, when it's just an interpretation of the truth.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

The deeper message is that how things feel is quite arbitrary anyway. It all depends on mood and other transitory factors. But if we take ourselves too seriously, we believe everything we feel is the utter utter truth, when it's just an interpretation of the truth. 


So what am I supposed to do? Lighten up?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

racemom said:


> So what am I supposed to do? Lighten up?


That never hurt anyone, but that was not my meaning. I'm saying, try to learn the lessons that life keeps throwing at you. Then it will finally stop repeating.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

racemom said:


> I'd believe that. As I said before, I feel I may need them to help prevent another meltdown when this marriage falls apart as it doesn't appear I can get thru to H to get what I need...


If you feel like the medication is helping things to be more manageable, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You've been in a very emotionally volatile cycle with your husband and I'm hearing that you've desperately wanted him to change.

Try to remember that it takes two people to allow the "getting-through-to-another" process to work: the person trying to "get through" and the other person being OPEN to getting through to.

My concern for you is that you're attaching a lot of meaning to the fact that you can't "get through to him to get what I need." Your responsibility in that only only goes so far.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> That never hurt anyone, but that was not my meaning. I'm saying, try to learn the lessons that life keeps throwing at you. Then it will finally stop repeating.


The lessons I've learned from my life are that I cannot trust people that I should be able to, such as family members, and that I am not first in my husbands priorties. Maybe I am missing the whole picture, but that's what I've gotten from the last 15 years. Kinda hard for me to deal with that, especially when I came from a family that was raised to get along with everyone. I had never been stabbed in the back by a family member until I dated/married my husband. Obviously if I am stupid enough to stay around for that long and put up with it, they are going to keep taking advantage of it. That's why I can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of it. I know there has to be a better way.


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

lisakifttherapy said:


> If you feel like the medication is helping things to be more manageable, I don't think there's anything wrong with that. You've been in a very emotionally volatile cycle with your husband and I'm hearing that you've desperately wanted him to change.
> 
> Try to remember that it takes two people to allow the "getting-through-to-another" process to work: the person trying to "get through" and the other person being OPEN to getting through to.
> 
> My concern for you is that you're attaching a lot of meaning to the fact that you can't "get through to him to get what I need." Your responsibility in that only only goes so far.


So I can only do so much, the rest is up to him? And if I can't get thru to him, than I have to either accept that and live with it or move on, right?


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

I seem to have went backwards. That or the pills are clearing my mind & I can think again. I think about how I want to leave, be on my own, but just can't break it to H. Afraid of hurting him. The other day we talked about doing fun things together, or lack of I should say. I have tried pretty well everything he likes. He is not willing to try anything I want to do, he says everything I want to do is boring. Example: hot air balloon ride, he says thats just stupid, take kids to chuck e cheese, he says thats boring. I told him its so much fun to watch the kids having fun. He just doesn't get it. Is there any hope for him or do I just give up?


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## racemom (Jan 26, 2009)

Hellooooooooooo???? Anybody out there????????


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