# Reconsilation-when should he move back in?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We are at the stage in reconsilation where I think of him all the time and I feel this connection and feelings of exploration int he relationship like when we first met. He texts me almost all day if hes not working and calls me all the time. He stops by our house more often now, sometimes after work to bring me dinner.

We have 3 children who are growing more attached to him during this seperation too. The children never really showed interest in being around him when he was living at home. Now I'm noticing our 3 yr old daughter is asking if its daddy when the heater comes on, as its loud like the garage door opening.

The holidays are coming very quickly. Its getting harder and harder to be without him. I think about him every second of the day, the kids ask about him all the time. I'm finding it very hard to get anyhting done around the house because I might miss a phone call or text. All I want to do with friends is talk about him.


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## alexander7 (Dec 4, 2011)

hey, if i was in your shoes, i would give the guy a break and let him move in, holidays are a time of makeup and building bridges for the year ahead. now's a better time then ever to get the ball rolling. give the guy a home he can love....it clearly sounds like it is of one


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

In your other post, you state that he's not ready to move back in yet. And, he will move to AZ when he gets laid off. He also wants to move as a family, yet he doesn't want to move in with you yet when he's about to get laid off?

Something's wrong here. Or did I miss something?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

HerToo said:


> In your other post, you state that he's not ready to move back in yet. And, he will move to AZ when he gets laid off. He also wants to move as a family, yet he doesn't want to move in with you yet when he's about to get laid off?
> 
> Something's wrong here. Or did I miss something?


This is where I'm very confused at. Your right he is talking about moving to AZ. Hes in the union and this job hes on is about to wrap up. There is another lay off he was just talking about last night. Hes just asked me last night to look for rental homes in AZ. 

I don't know when he wants to move back in to this house before he has to go to AZ. He is planning to take me and our 3 children To AZ with him.

I just don't know when he wants to try to stay the night? I asked him a couple weeks before thanksgiving if he wanted to stay the night with me possibly when the kids stay at his parents. He said he would think about it and said maybe. He never did spend the night with me.

I wonder if I should ask him about it again?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

alexander7 said:


> hey, if i was in your shoes, i would give the guy a break and let him move in, holidays are a time of makeup and building bridges for the year ahead. now's a better time then ever to get the ball rolling. give the guy a home he can love....it clearly sounds like it is of one


I:iagree: !!!

I am more than willing to let him move back in. I asked him to leave at the end of August. We have been working on things and have decided on a reconsilation.

I don't know when he wants to move back in. 

I so agree that the holidays are a time of reconsile and to start a new. I wonder how I should approach him about moving back in or at least ask him to stay the night. I did ask him to stay the night a couple weeks before thanksgiving, but he never did.

I think he is gettign really tired of living at his parents house. He has started complaining a lot about his mom. Also started complaining about what I told him his mom sauid to me and that it sounds like she is trying to take control again.

I may see my Husband tonigt after he gets off work. Our new cell phones finally got here. We were on seperate cell accounts during this seperation and have now switched to Verizon on afamily plan with him being cell owner


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't ask, tell him. Tell him that you are not moving with him until he moves back in with you and makes a commitment to stay a family. Also tell him that you are willing, but him not living at home is not going to work. If he's not willing, something else is going one that he's not ready to let go of yet.

Besides, with the job question, why pay for two homes? Makes no sense!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Don't ask, tell him. Tell him that you are not moving with him until he moves back in with you and makes a commitment to stay a family. Also tell him that you are willing, but him not living at home is not going to work. If he's not willing, something else is going one that he's not ready to let go of yet.
> 
> Besides, with the job question, why pay for two homes? Makes no sense!


Good points! Thanks for your advice. Good point also on paying for 2 homes, but he is only paying for one kind of right now. Hes living with his parents where he pays for nothing there. He pays for the home expenses here, but not the home. We are in bankrupcy and giving the house up with it too.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Okay, so you're not paying for two homes. Why does he not want to come home? Don't tolerate that crap!!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I don't know why he does not want to come home. He hints at it somtimes and he talks about us together in the future and of course is talking possible really close near future. He doesn't want me to think we are all of a sudden gonna go back to the way things were before. He said int eh very begining of reconsilation talks that he didn't want to just jump right back into the marriage. There is tight hugs initiated by him at the end of visits, but no hand holding and he has not yet tried to kiss me. He does not want to go on dates yet, says he is not ready for it. This date thing was discussed in MC counseling last Friday and he told our counselor that he and his IC agreed that he would start to feel the need to be closer when the time was right.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I really hate to bring this up, but could there be someone else in his life right now in addition to you? Do you have access to the cell phone bills to see who he is calling and texting besides you (if there is someone beside you)?

During my emotional affair, I was affectionate to my wife - but not passionate (holding hands, kissing much at all, touching, etc.). But I sure shared with the other woman that I wanted to do those things with her. My phone bills show my activity.

I hope there is no one else. Sorry to even bring it up.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I'm not sure if there could be someone else. He is a little strange and always has been for a long time. Hes one of those types of guys who talks to girls as a friend. I know he has some friends of opposite sex that are just friends and nothing else. I have met one and she has been a friend through out our 11 year relationship/marriage. 
I have to admit I have been a bit jealous and My husband really knows that. I ahve been monitering his FB wall. 

My husband is always texting me or calling me when he is not working. I have looked back on our texts to see if there are any times where he is not answering and there is really not any.

I don't have access to his phone or his account. We currently are changing cell accounts and my line is going on a family plan with his. Which is the way it was before the seperation. 

I did bring up to him tonight over a phone conversation when we were going to go to living in one home again. He said he did not know. I said I thoguht we are at the point where we can talk more in person and not just phone and text. He said he has a lot of anger towards my parents and me kicking him out of the house when he thought he should not have to leave. He said he wants to make sure it doesn't happen again before he is willing to come back home. I said I already cut my parents out of my life, what more do you want for proof that it won't happen again? I said I already relized that I was being brain washed for years and my parents goal was to get Husband gone. 

So I guess I have more talking to do with him. Our children seem very confused too. I think its time for him to come home. Our children see him coming home for short visits often, they see Mommy and daddy hugging finally with no fighting, they miss thier daddy and the relationship between Daddy and kids seem to have been repaired as well. Its been over 3 months since they have heard daddy yelling and mad. They now want to go to him just as much as they want to come to me. 

My husband may always feel a great deal of pain for being kicked out of the house, but there seems to be a new start.

I really need to have a chance to talk more to him about coming home. I need to stress to him that I would never want this to happen again because it has been the hardest tiem of my life and the kids have been through so much. As long as he and I are willing to continue working on things nad each treat eachotehr wityh respect, I only see us moving forward.

I met my husband on a blind date. We had no clue how we looked. It was one of those phone dating services where you leave a message about yourself. This particular service was called The People Store and it was my 3rd time attempting to try the service. I thought 3rd time is a charm.

My parents thought negative thoughts about my husband from the time they met him and warned me that blind dates dont work out. He is my true love and now I know that for sure


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I might possibly be able to talk to him more about the thought of moving back in all day tomorrow. He said there is a chance that he might be shut down at work cause it is supposed to be -100 tomorrow wind chill. He works outdoors.

I would think that moving back home would make things easier on him. He has recently told me through text that he is tired of the way he has been living. Where all he does is sit on his bed in a room with no windows and watch TV and eat junk food and text me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Invite him over for a nice meal, and watch a movie together with the kids in the room. Watch a family movie. Snuggle under a warm blanket with him. Let him rest his head against you. Watch his mood change after he does this. It's amazing.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Tonight we were talking more about how he had been kicked out. He wanted more answers about how I felt and wanted me to know how hurt he was. I think we may have gotten somewhere.
I really hope we have gotten somewhere because I want to be in his arms again. With this seperation I have been able to relize just how much I had oushed him away even before he was kicked out of the house. I feel totally stupid when I think about the past.

I used to do Homedaycare about 3 yrs ago and I would complain to my mom how my husband would text me too much or call me too much. Now I'm thnking "really?" 

Our romance life used to be really really good and I have thought about what changed when it started to decline to where I had to put on the calendar when romance happened. Lots of things contributed to the decline.

I'm kind of hoping My husbands job site gets shut down tomorrow, even though we need the money, ($$ is not everything thiugh). I've asked him if he would like to spend time in his other home when the kids are in school if hes shut down tomorrow, because of the weather. He said maybe. 

I'm really hoping that he will move back in before xmas.

Hes asking what will be different this time. So I guess we might be at the stage where he is trying to protect his heart and I need to convince him that it will be safe


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Can I ask you, what were the issues that caused the breakup and what have you done to resolve those issues?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

See my recent post I just made this morning, it will answer some of these questions.

The major problem was my parents. They brainwashed me and convinced me he was bad and that I needed protection from him. IN late August I stopped talking to my husband and I stayed up really late. I turned my feelings off. Then after my husband wanted to know the reasons why and didn't express himself very well. I got a restraining order that went permanent. 

The restraining order has been totally dropped by me and my parents are totally out of my life. So thats is how I have changed.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

"Hes asking what will be different this time."

Tell him "It will be the way WE want it to be."


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

So glad to hear that you are getting counseling!! So I presume he treats you well and there are no other major marital issues. If that is the case, I think it would be fine to invite him back.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

HerToo said:


> "Hes asking what will be different this time."
> 
> Tell him "It will be the way WE want it to be."


Good point!! I will tell him tonight along wiht some other things that my counselor has been able to word for me. I just need to write those things down before hand so I can word it all right.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Don't write them on your arm in ink. He might notice!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

romantic_guy said:


> So glad to hear that you are getting counseling!! So I presume he treats you well and there are no other major marital issues. If that is the case, I think it would be fine to invite him back.


I have invited him back and I have stopped holding back so much hoping he will say something that I want to hear.

He feels that I gave up on him. He did do things wrong and he was trying to change, but my parents took every thing he did that was not perfect and used it to make me see that my husband was not the man for me. My parents also used anything bad that happened to us and used it against my husband too. 

My counselor said I should tell my husband that " Yes I did give up on him. That I felt it was hopeless, but that I have had time to reflect on what was really happening to us. That we are like 2 peas in a pod.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Don't write them on your arm in ink. He might notice!


Ya I won't be writing them on my arm,LOL!

I was actually supposed to get a matching tattoo that he has recently gotten, but the day before the appt he told me to cancel it. That made me very sad 

My husband recently got a support Autism tattoo which I had text him a pic of the tattoo I wanted, it was his idea to get the same one and had scheduled it for himself before I even knew about it. I was supposed to get the same tattoo on DEc 2nd, it would have been the same design , but in feminine colors

All of our children are effected by autism and I think it was my husbands way of saying he accepts it. My parents don't accept that our children have autism, they blame my husband and husbands family for it


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

UPDATE:
My husband has said that he hopes he will spend the night with me soon. This just said last night. 

Our cell phones just went back on a family plan together last night. I told Husband last night that I put my wedding ring back on.

I told Husband that I wanted to be a family together on Xmas last night. 

I guess we will see how much more progress we make at this coming back together in the family home thing. I hope for no more fall backs. The last time we fell back wards really bad was when I saw on FB a girl missed him. It upset me to no end!! Even to the point of me checking his FB account. Of course it upset him that he now knew I knew how to get into his FB account, but maybe in the long run it might have been comforting for him to know how upset I was that I was afraid that his heart might stray or that someone would try to get his heart to stray. I know it was comforting for me when he got really really upset for someone on my FB wall months ago that said something sexually inapproiate to me.

So I really hope for more growing together!!!


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Nice job!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Nice job!


Seems to be happening naturally now.

I think he really appreciates when I have told him that this has been the worst 3 months of my life!! 

And that I miss him so much all I think about his him all day....told him that through text yesterday while he was at work. Every day I tell him good morning through text when I get out of the shower.

I think when we are living in the same house again. This use of techoligy needs to continue. He wakes up at 4am to go to work, so I'm still asleep when he gets up when we were living together, so I think the morning texts will still be very important...to keep us connected.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

blueskies, it is a completely personal decision, but to me you can't be separated and reconciling at the same time. It seems you want him there, but he is reluctant for some reason? It just wreaks of indecision and reluctance, and the reason for that hesitation is why I would always question the insincerety of such a situation. Also by telling him you miss him all day, it seems like you are pining for him, in which case I can possibly understand why he is wanting to distance himself - I think being so needy is not healthy for a relationship.

But don't take what I'm suggesting as the best solution, I have a close female friend who is also going separated from her H and she is not willing to let him go, he is out the door already, has repeatedly told her its over, has a new relationship yet still sometimes accepts her advances and shows her physical affection (hugs, even kisses soemtimes). Yet she isn't ready to let go yet and is keeping hope for R, and as a friend I support it because that is what she believes she has to do. So just as her, just do what you believe is right for you.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

IN my situation telling him I miss him is a good thing I think. During our marriage he needed my time and I was not giving it too him. Several things have changed on my part and things have changed on his part too.

Here is some info for you Lon....My husband is calling me everyday at 5:15 like clockwork when he gets out of the security gates at work. He is texting me as soon as he gets home and continues to text for 1-2 hrs. I think he needed to hear that I missed him. He needed to hear that he was an important part of our family. He needed to hear that our 3 children are asking for him daily now. 

I agree with you that reconsilation can't completly happen when living in seperate households, but it is a process. We had to get to the point where we can talk in person. It would be silly to talk on the phone or text when your in the same household. We have kind of started this relationship all over again, with of course the history of 11 year relationship, 8 year marriage and 5 pregnancies resulting in 3 children....Relationships start as friends....you first talk and text on the phone before you start spending over nights over, right?

We have been building up our trust for eachother as well. It would never work to live together while still not trusting eachother.

Your friend has a much different situation than I do. Her H seems to be just stringing her along while he has an affair.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

blueskies, like I said, you have to do what YOU feel is right. I can't really comprehend your situation well, even if you give more facts and info, it just doesn't resonate at all with me, and that's ok its your life. As for my friend, yeah he is stringing her along a bit, but he still isn't completely emotionally disconnected and she is fighting to hang on, neither of them has a clear idea where each is headed it is very much all in limbo... I don't recommend that for anyone, and that is my concern for you reading this post, however if you are making REAL progress in the direction you want then keep doing what you are, I just advise to not do so blindly in order to protect yourself should things get derailed.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

romantic_guy said:


> Can I ask you, what were the issues that caused the breakup and what have you done to resolve those issues?


Anger issues for himself that had been ongoing. I relize now that our problems were made worse by my parents. See some of my ohter posts about my controlling parents who broke into my house to make it look like my husband did it. 

So a lot of the issues were my parents always infiering and making me doubt my own feelings and my husbands intentions.
My parents were always making me distrust everything his whole family said or did too. So I was very distrustful of him and his whole family. 

I also had no time for my husband. I was busy running a dog breeding business that I poured everything into. It grounded us so we could not go on any short trips away and if we went on a long trip it took much much planning and I was always worrying about what was going on at home. The dog business is totally gone, so my time is freed up.

Financial stress was also very very high. We were in bankrupcy, but had not completed all the long paperwork. Most of that was up to me to complete, but it was so confusing, scary and compicated. He could not help much because of his work hours. The bankrupcy is all set to be filed now. 

We have both decided to also let our home go into the bankrucpy too because it has many problems that we just can't fix. Not to mention the market really crashed nad the house keeps putting us in more and more debt. It also keeps us grounded when my husband has to travel for work out of state and we can't move temporarly with him as a family.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Lon said:


> blueskies, it is a completely personal decision, but to me you can't be separated and reconciling at the same time.


I disagree. IMO separation is akin to taking a steaming pot that's about to boil off a burner. It allows things to cool down and work things out and think things through in a way that you wouldn't have if you were still living together with all the stress that entails.

It sounds like Blue Skies parents were the catalyst and now that's gone so she can turn to reconciling with her husband and addressing the marriage. 

However, it sounds like he's been hurt and may need space and time to work things out in his head and to trust again. This time apart sounds like it's been going in a positive direction. That might not have been possible had they stayed together. 

Sometimes a bit of "breathing room" is what you need. Separation doesn't HAVE to lead to divorce. Often it leads to reconciliation and a stronger relationship. 

I'm in a similar situation but I'm not in Blue Skies situation but can relate to her husband. My husband and I have been separated for over a year now. He's was an alcoholic who was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and my kids over the years. In the past year he has been nothing but a giant wrecking ball in all our lives. Now (for the third time) he's sober and wanting to get back together with me. He came on pretty hot and heavy after his latest hospital stay this past October and it was I who put the brakes on. 

He would beg to stay over and make overtures to me, send me flowers and call and ask to do things with him. He even attempted to tag along with me when I was doing things with my friends when at one time he never showed any interest in such things. I must admit I enjoyed the attention and appreciated it but I don't trust him. I don't know if I ever will completely ever again. 

I enjoy his company and have no problem with him sharing time and holidays with me and the kids. We spent Thanksgiving together and it went very well. We are doing the same at Christmas and he asked to sleep over Christmas Eve and I said "yes". I don't want him to be alone and isolated and I do enjoy being with him. We are going out to dinner and a show with friends this weekend and we often just hang out watching TV and chatting. 

That said, we haven't been intimate despite his making attempts to do so right after he got out of the hospital. At one time I was the one begging him to be intimate with me and he would turn me down repeatedly. Now it's me who isn't willing to make that jump.

I don't know why exactly. It's not out of revenge or anger but out of caution. I think it's because I like the distance we have now. I'm not feeling hurt or angry. I feel "in control"..and I like it. 

For the first time in over 20 years I don't feel like a puppet dangling on the end of his string. I'm the one calling the shots as to how I feel and conduct myself. I also think he realizes it and it's one big reason he is acting the way he is. Whether I meant to or not, I have indeed done a complete "180". 

He talks now about us moving in with one another at some point. I put him off a lot and the other day he said he can't see the point of us going on if we aren't living together at some point in the future. I see his point but I LIKE the way thing are right now! I like living on my own and having my space and my own apartment. I rather wouldn't mind if things remained the way they are right now but perhaps with a bit of of sex thrown in...  

So it's very bizarre. But in our own way we are working on reconciling our differences. Where we end up is anyone's guess. I don't want a divorce but I guess I don't want a traditional marriage either. "Traditional" marriage didn't work for me so I guess I'm looking at doing something a bit more radical. What's bizarre is that my H and I have literally traded places. Last year HE was the one going on about how wonderful it was that we could be "married but separated" and now he wants us to be "traditional?" :wtf: 

My point is: There is no RIGHT way to do anything or work a relationship out. You have to do what is right for you and your relationship..and a little patience goes a long way. 

IMO the worst thing you can do is pressure the other person to do things a certain way. When my H was doing this to me, I pulled back even more. When he acts kindly and is patient and open minded he gets a much better reception.


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