# What to do



## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

So my gf and I have been going out 15 months...16 on Easter. I love her so very much, I tell her often. She loves me also, and tells me....

Its a complicated story to why I'm posting this morning, but I'm confused. right now.

Tuesday night at bed time she says to me "promise you'll kiss me for the rest of my life". We have already accepted that we want to grow old together. We've already talked about that, more or less. We still live in separate homes. So, that kinda brings you up to speed a little.

Well, wednesday morning as I'm leaving the house (her house) to go to work...she comes to the door to give me a kiss...and I sayt to her "So, I guess we wont see each other until Tuesday night....? Asking it as a question of course...her answer is "yes, I have kids Saturday night". I know she gets kids back saturday night, I've known for the past 3 days.. 


I got to work and sent her a txt message saying that we needed to talk, and that txt message nor phone was going to be sufficient. and I said "I leave it to you to figure out what works for you". 

That was 2 days ago. I've not heard a peep out of her since. We are frequent txt-er and at the very least would have said good night and good morning. Nada. Her kids have gone to their dads Thursday night...its his weekend with them. So, she's alone in the house until Saturday when they come back.

(IMO there were at the time opportunities for us to see each other before the following Tuesday night, but it was as if she didnt even bother to consider them...for god only knows what reason. As if she's happy not seeing me, despite the fact that se says she "needs" me, loves me, that I'm the love of her life. The One. YEs shes said all those things. And more.)

Im a very emotive guy, and I'm hurting because of this. My sister says to tell her that her actions are hurting me. At this point its (again in my opinon) become a game of Whose Gonna Blink First.

This isnt about wanting assurance that I'd be better off without her, this is a thread about what to do to keep someone I'm deeply in love with, that I want to spend the rest of my days with.,,,but I'm confused by tthe silence...(which itself has history: She said to me a year ago "Love trancends silence and not being spoken, it can survive". She has also said she doesnt hang on to waiting for the next text message, and I think she'll say that again once we talk that it was no biggie not to get a text, but in the context of our relationship...it is a Big Deal. It's massively out of character.)

I have half a mind to drive over to her house in the morning. But agin, I'm the one who'll be doing the caving. My sister thinks that the whole business of whose gonna blink is dubm. I agree. also. I just want my happiness back.

I know it's gonna be impossible to get relevant replies from a 5 minute summation of my problem which has months of history to bring it to where it is. But I'm looking for some assurance, and need to know should I stand fast and waiut for her comment -which dont seem to be forthcoming, should I txt her in the morning, saying what? or should I just drive over there and confront her. We have a need to clear the air on some things, and now this retarded silence and the hurting its causing me. I cant tell you the number of times I've felt hurt...and I truly believe she doesnt even know....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that waiting to see who blinks first is just silly.

From what you have said, it sounds like this is not the first time she's done this. How often does she just not communicate with you?

Communication is key in a relationship. You need to tell her what you have said here and more.

I would be tempted to drop by her place. Why? I'd want to know why the person who says they want to spend the rest of their life with me will not even return a text for days. You might find out something by dropping by her place... what she does when she's out of touch.

Her dismissing your need/desire for contact is not acceptable. She's basically telling you that your feelings do not count, they are silly and she's not going to consider them. That's not a good sign at all.

There are two books that I think would help you. 

"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"

The idea is for the two of you to read them together and do the work that it mentioned in the books. This will help you communicate to her that ignoring your needs is not something that you will accept.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

You're right its not the first time, but its the first time its been 2 whole days. I know some might be laughing at the "2" days as being a long time, but for us... it is. And usually the silence is in a similar context...something un-agreeable. We've never actually argued about anything, although we've had these "silent time" issues...for lack of knowing what to call it. She's told me that she just wont get baited into something negative and shed just let the comment slide without responding (the comment would have been something I would have said, usually I would be trying to get a reaction out of her to get a conversation going...)

I have a good idea of what shes doing at home... laundry and Netflix binge-ing. When my kids are at thier moms, essentially we live together: I sleep there, get ready for work their, leave the house and go to work. Later, sometime after supper, sometimes for supper, I go back there. sleep there. Repeat. SO I have a real good idea of her itinerary on a daily basis. I know where her phone is first thing in the morning, and when shes home, and when she goes to bed. I know its available. I also have a pretty good idea of when she's on social media. Time for that, but not time to respond to me.

You dont think that going over there is a sign of weakness? Beacuse I feel like it is.

And I know I need to tell her im hurting. I really want her to understand that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If the two of you cannot talk about these kinds of things, your relationship is not all that strong.

While 2 days is not all that much time, a text or short phone call is very reasonable to expect.

Do you see the way she is reacting to your concerns and feelings? You can expect her to take the same stance on just about everything as time goes on.

Have you ever tried doing the same thing to her and see how she responds? what does she do if you do not respond to her for a few days?


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If the two of you cannot talk about these kinds of things, your relationship is not all that strong.


when we talk, we can talk through stuff. I'll tell you though, I am always the one to bring stuff "to the table". Its my opinion that she sees everything is fine... until I bring something up.



> Do you see the way she is reacting to your concerns and feelings?


 I dont know if I understand what you mean by "do you see the way...", of course I see it, I'm living it, but that might not be what you mean.



> Have you ever tried doing the same thing to her and see how she responds? what does she do if you do not respond to her for a few days?


This is the longest time we've not communicated in some way. In the past I have tried not txting her for a day or whatever, I dont think the impact of the exerciese was understood by her. Like I said, she claims to not have to hang on the next message coming in or not. So, she may well be in a happy place without contact from me. I find it hard to accept that she doesn't miss me or SOMETHING....


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

My wife and I haven't gone one day without at least speaking on the phone since before we started dating over 10 years ago. So no it's not silly to feel upset by the silence now.

I think elegirl said it- stop the staring contest and go over there. Talk to her. 

You kind of glossed over it, or I haven't had enough coffee yet - what was your intent with the text message you sent her from work? It put a lot of burden on her. It was ominous to say we need to talk, can't be over text, but you figure out when that should be. Does she think you may want to break up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm very confused by your story. You left her house Wednesday morning, knowing you would not see her until Tuesday, texted her when you got to work that "we have to talk" (why? about what? weren't things ok when you left the house?).


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

I just read the Love Bustersweb page. Interesting it talks about empathy - or lack there of. I feel that she si not very empathetic, I have said to her that I AM empathetic. That in itself started an interesting 1/2 hour txt debate on empathy. She believes that you can only have empathy if you share something in common with someone (her example was you can be empathetic to a woman whose had a mastectomy only if you've had one your self. TRUE Empathy as she put it). 

Its funny that she will have a 1/2 hour debate about this, but I cant draw her in to a conversation where she talks about us, tells me how she feels. Usually, when I have tried to make the conversation (txt) a bit more personal, she spins it away to something un-personal...any topic really.

I actualyl told her during one txt conversation that I have given up on getting warm fuyzzy texts from her, and have adjusted my expectations. To be honest, I cant adjust my expectations...I still look for the warm fuzzy txts from her.

Her response to that comment was "I guess all those messages didn't get through then"...suggesting she sent stuff like that. I have to correct myself...its not that she doesnt say "I L Y" at all, its just not frequent. 

I dont remember the last time she said "I miss you"... but she'll tell me that its "smoothie time", meaning shes making a desert treat for one of her kids. Yes, she'll tell me that, but warm fuzzy, personal txt.... hard to come by. Once we get ready for bedtime, well thats a different story... she's open and caring, and huggy, and loving...tells me everything I want to hear...tells me she loves looking at me, loves my kisses...all of that.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm very confused by your story. You left her house Wednesday morning, knowing you would not see her until Tuesday, texted her when you got to work that "we have to talk" (why? about what? weren't things ok when you left the house?).


The brevity of my OP does lead to a bit of confusion, and Im sorry about that.

Ill try to set it up... THe two evening prior to wednesday morning...we sat on the couch before bed. at opposite ends of the couch. Not meaning that was adversarial in any way, just what it was. I felt the we needed to talk about stuff then, but wanted to see what overtures she'd make. Each night we went to bed as we usually did. The stuff I wanted to talk about was the upcoming weekend, and schedule...kids, us etc. THis has been a thorn since the beginning of the year. (Also, while on the topic loosely, She doesn't tell me what shes up to...not that I need to keep track of her that's not what I mean, but as a courtesy to me so I can integrate my shecule into hers. I'm a goal-oriented person. I do something to accomplsih it. thats my goal.o, if I know I'm not seeing her, I can work that into my day and I'm ok with it. But if I dont know her schedule its hard for me to set my goals, and then it becomes a bit of a sticking point.)

The "issue" was that yes we wouldnt see each other until the follwing week, but it didnt have to be that way. Thursday night was a clear opportunity for her to come over to MY house (since I now have my kids for the weekend), since no one was hustling to get up Friday morning for cschool or work, it would have been ideal. Also, the 6 of s...her kids, my kids, she and I could have gotten together MOnday. It's like she just ACCEPTED that it was gonna be Tuesday and didnt bother to consider anything in between. TOday is a full day yet... she may txt me, but I doubt it. I dont know why. I dont know what to say to her if I go over there... "why didnt you txt me for two days?" As I mentioned she'll have an answer for that, which Ive stated already. WHould love to know how to counter that.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> You kind of glossed over it, or I haven't had enough coffee yet - what was your intent with the text message you sent her from work? It put a lot of burden on her. It was ominous to say we need to talk, can't be over text, but you figure out when that should be. Does she think you may want to break up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My intent was to get a few things off my chest..break up, no.
One of those things is this voluntary being away from each other. We have our kids on opposite weekends, wasnt always this way, but it is now. So, when I have my kids I expected she'd come to my place. Becuase when I dont have mine, Im at her place. This was HER idea from the beginning. 

Lately thats not happening, and it bothers me. I dont understand it. So thats what I wanted to talk to her about. I wrote out a bunch of little scenarios that have cropped up, but they can all be distilled down to =getting hurt by her, lack of communication, and this not coming to my house. Those were the things I wanted to talk to her about.

One other thing that really fries me is I can see when she's on Facebook, I know her routine and its pretty easy to predict. She'll do whatever on FB, and not bother to contact me at all. Blamed it on her phone a few times, but I got thinking...if your phone is dead FB message me.

OH yeah...the day after I told her I gave up on the warm fuzzy messages..I didnt hear from her until 2:30pm the next day (she had signed off with <3 (hearts)..) her excuse was she just turned phone on. SHe was out of town with her parents, and that is just BS. she would have checked phone first thing in the AM.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Ok....hmmm....I was thinking along the same lines of PhillyGuy....the text sounds ominous. Maybe it scared/upset her and that's why you haven't heard from her?? If that was out of the blue (to her), I think it might have been upsetting. It would be to me.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I got to work and sent her a txt message saying that we needed to talk, and that txt message nor phone was going to be sufficient. and I said "I leave it to you to figure out what works for you".


Any woman receiving that text in those words would correctly assume you intend to dump her ass.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Constable Odo said:


> Any woman receiving that text in those words would correctly assume you intend to dump her ass.


"I said we need to talk about some stuff...", not the deathly "we need to talk"

I guess in trying to be brief I left a few words out.

I've left a lot out of this story, I couldnt possibly write it all down....LOL


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Ok....hmmm....I was thinking along the same lines of PhillyGuy....the text sounds ominous. Maybe it scared/upset her and that's why you haven't heard from her?? If that was out of the blue (to her), I think it might have been upsetting. It would be to me.


I guess thats part of the problem then... if she sees it as out of the blue... there have been issues that needed to be dealt with.

For instance, a couple weeks ago (like it always is, its the weekend I have my kids and she doesnt) I was txting her on the way to her house. She didnt know I was coming over because it was after work, and I would usually head home to the kids. I called kids and told them I'd be late, just so they knew. I got to her house and she completely didnt expect me. She was surprised, a bit happy. mostly surprised. I told her we needed to talk about this. This weekend stuff. Actually I said to her "what do you think we need to talk about?"... and she knew. Said she figured we'd end up talking about it Monday night... I told her that this couldnt wait until Monday night.

I said to her then that we had some things to discuss. 

Oh and at that little tete-a-tete we talked sort of about future and living together...not like immediately, but just what we were seeing for the future....I said to her I didnt want to be living in searate domiciles in 30 years... she said dont say that it'll be sooner than that..... but, ther point I was making...there was still stuff that needed to be dealt with.... SO SHOULDNT be outta the blue...


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SO collective... what are my options... what do I do? this is my dilemma.

My problem is that I want to react two different ways at the same time... I want to come on strong..I guess she'd think I'm angry, but its more that I'm hurt by this.

I also want to just go over there and hug her and kiss her and tell her I love her deeply.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

OK, so it sounds like this whole scheduling thing is a continuing issue she's aware of. I'm not sure talking about it all the time is going to help anything. Is there any way you guys can get on the same weekend/custody schedule? I think that would help a lot....


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I don't think you guys are bad off- communication skills and expectations need to be improved no question.

I think she does show affection- when she texts you that "it's smoothie time" that is her way of being warm and fuzzy. She is including you -- albeit it electronically -- in this little family event she does for the kids.

Would it help to sit down with her, with a calendar, figure out when you have your kids, when she has hers, and set up days for the two of you? Days when the two of you can be together alone, days when you both can get together with a combination of the kids, and days where both of you can be alone with your respective kids. Sometimes a schedule can help.

I'm married with two kids and juggling schedules is tough. It must be much mich tougher being two single parents with kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> OK, so it sounds like this whole scheduling thing is a continuing issue she's aware of. I'm not sure talking about it all the time is going to help anything. Is there any way you guys can get on the same weekend/custody schedule? I think that would help a lot....


Yes it would help, and it used to be that way! Last year I convinced my ex to switch my weekends with my kids to do just that. It was perfect. My ex didnt know the reason why. I tried to switch it back this year, but she's pissed at me and wont change. I shouldnt have to change again....when I do I lose time with my kids. And thats wrong.

During the CHristmas holidays, GF's kids weekend got switched around because her girls "didnt like Dads new wifes son" and wanted to go on opposite weekends to him. So thats how things ended up like this. THEN...ok wait for it... I find out that the sons weekend has changed again, and hes back on the same weekend as GF's girls.

It would stand to reason that things would get changed back, and that would give us our weekends again, but the conversation I had with GF, her girls are now OK with son, and wont be changing weekend. Do I feel consipred against...?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Hmm, your heading out of the honeymoon phase, and once out of that phase, things like boundaries, compromise, and the both of you struggling for power on how the relationship should advance.

Time to learn good communication skills to help you navigate the maze of making a long term relationship last. Your both two separate identities with your own habits, beliefs, and behaviors. It is time to learn how to mesh some of that together.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Kids shouldn't dictate the custody schedule, but that's a separate issue all together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I don't think you guys are bad off- communication skills and expectations need to be improved no question.
> 
> I think she does show affection- when she texts you that "it's smoothie time" that is her way of being warm and fuzzy. She is including you -- albeit it electronically -- in this little family event she does for the kids.
> 
> ...



We've been doing this for so long we basically know each others schedules. We have one evening to ourselves every two weeks: This coming Monday. Since its a school holiday, I have my kids for an extra day (yay!!!!) but as a result there is no 1-on-1 adult time this week. THere are kids in the mix somewhere. I dont need to post our schedule for you, but I know hers, and she knows mine. WHere we run into an issue is the night her kids go to their dads, she's alone. She wont come over here..because its a school day for my kids I guess. Im not really sure why. I'm over there at her place on lots of school days. IT was supposed to be (and this was only sort of hammered out) shed come up Saturday and stay until Sunday whenever. 2 weeks ago I was so irritated with her about this that I told her maybe she shouldnt bother coming up...

Her comments were, 
- she needed for a load of laundry to finish
- she needed a shower
- didnt feel like going out in public


I eventually called her and then she said
- she neede for a load of laundry to finish
- didnt feel like going out in public
- she needed a shower
- she'd txt me afterwards when she was on her way

Big difference in the tone between the two....


One of my "talking points" in addition to the other stuff, is she keeps her comings and goings..well I wont say secret, but she doesnt let me know in advance all that much.

She might txt me one day as she's driving down the highway we're off to.... <insert day trip destination here>. would be the first time I learned of it.

That happened last week with work. She doesnt work everyday, and when I said something to her, she said I'm at <work>. I said to her... Oh, I didnt realize. I didnt know. Trying to point out that she didnt make me aware of this any time prior. BUt I honestly think she didnt catch the inference.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I know you know each others schedules. But sometimes getting it in writing lends some "officialness" to it.

It sounds like she is much more casual, let the wind carry her wherever it may take her. That's something you will need to get used to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I know you know each others schedules. But sometimes getting it in writing lends some "officialness" to it.


I see your point here. That would help with my goal oriented-ness too. And it might draw the conversation towards the days when she doesnt come over, and why that is....? Get some reasons out there that I can accept, because the excuses I've gotten over this leave me feeling blown off....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> I see your point here. That would help with my goal oriented-ness too. And it might draw the conversation towards the days when she doesnt come over, and why that is....? Get some reasons out there that I can accept.


I've been a single mom and I'm about to become one again. When I dated as a single mom, it could get to be overwhelming with no real free time to yourself if you were expected to spend every single one of your free days/nights with your SO. When you have your kids, you're the sole parent....not like you can hand them off to a partner for some alone time. Your alone time is when the kids are with the other parent. Maybe she's just kinda independent (like me) and really needs some alone time. It's not a reflection on you or how she feels about you. But it is a reason it would be really good if you could get your kids on the same schedule.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Maybe she's just kinda independent (like me)


Oh she is, thats for sure...


> and really needs some alone time.


 well if thats the case, 1/ why doesnt she say so, and 2/ if shes having alone time can she not pick up phone and txt me in 2 days?



> It's not a reflection on you or how she feels about you. But it is a reason it would be really good if you could get your kids on the same schedule.


as long as she doesnt explain it, its hurtful for whatever reason. I want to mention that to her...actually two weeks ago she said something about our time together and how it was becomeing less... I was thinking... its becoming less because You are doing that.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Wow. I couldnt have said it better....

The fifth Love Buster is Independent Behavior, the conduct of one spouse that ignores the feelings and interests of the other spouse. If your decisions are made as if your spouse doesn't even exist, you will find yourself running roughshod over your spouse's feelings and your Love Bank account.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She could feel that if the tells you she just wants some alone time, that you would get upset or at least a bit miffed. And doesn't want to have that conversation. As said above, it's not a reflection of you but just she is someone who could value her alone time. I think it just goes back to communciating clear expectations on both sides and coming to an understanding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She could feel that if the tells you she just wants some alone time, that you would get upset or at least a bit miffed. And doesn't want to have that conversation. As said above, it's not a reflection of you but just she is someone who could value her alone time. I think it just goes back to communciating clear expectations on both sides and coming to an understanding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has mentioned that she's just dropped a conversation because she felt that if she replied I would get my nose outta joint. Correct. What was missing though is the understanding that I would rather be told about something than having to guess about it. I might get miffed or I might understand. Make me understand, dont just drop it, forget about it. Certainly dont blow me off with lame excuses...which has happened more than once. That is MORE likely to get my goat that actually telling me about whatever it is....


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Well my gut feeling is to go over and talk to her. She'll be up now, doing laundry, her nails, or watching tv. Everything is closed, so no place for her to go. I should be there in 15 minutes or so once I get outta here. I'm not going to rely on her flakey phone to announce myself. I can let myself in, I have a key...


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

I dont know what to use as an opening line.....what to say to her first. Cant say Ive ever been at a loss for words. wish me luck. I feel nervous


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## Midlifeturmoil (Dec 30, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> She could feel that if the tells you she just wants some alone time, that you would get upset or at least a bit miffed. And doesn't want to have that conversation. As said above, it's not a reflection of you but just she is someone who could value her alone time. I think it just goes back to communciating clear expectations on both sides and coming to an understanding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This. Although I think it might actually reflect on him to some extent. He comes across as needy and clingy (don't mean to be harsh or rude Chuck). And it appears to me that that trait may be wearing her down...gradually losing respect for him and attraction to him. Combined with her "confrontation adverse" personality.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

So... Long story short, you want to spend more time with her, but find it difficult due to scheduling conflicts. You also get really anxious when you send her a text and she doesn't respond.

Has she spoken to you since you made this post? One thing I would have done differently would be more direct and open in your text.

Instead of saying "we need to talk", I probably would advise to say something like...
"I would like to spend more time with you, I undertand you probably need some personal time, but if you have a moment, let's get together and spend a few minutes working out a schedule where we can see each other more often"

That sounds a lot more friendly and inviting than the ominioius "We need to talk about stuff"


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think she's hurting because you didn't say anything back to her when she said she wants to kiss you the rest of her life. She might be trying to see where the future would be with you...possible she trying to hint she wants marriage at some point. Since she told you this in at night makes me think she thought about the wording of this for awhile, wanted to stay away from the M word but still wanted a glimpse of the future at the same time. Accepting you will grow old together may not be enough for her since there's no committment involved.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

No she hasn't, I'm just pull g up to her house. I think she's still sleeping. . .


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Hope you didn't scare her. Popping in on a sleeping woman's house probably isn't the best idea. Hope it went well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

well the short answer is... she wasnt asleep, she had been out early to a function, so I didnt scare her. She was a big guarded when I first got there...almost calling me out aggressively. her reason for that was that I didnt give her the opportunity to set a time of her convenience like I mentioned in my txt. 

As far as the "M" word, that is something she is adamant she DOESNT want. She asked me what I thought was the next level and I told her "I dont know, I dont know that there is a next level right now". She reiterated how big a deal it is for her to spend as much time together as we do. Unprecedented in her books.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

What I am hearing is that you are hurt, confused, and you wonder why she won't communicate with you. If there is a distance between the both of you, I would sit down together. Instead of letting all this tension that is becoming problematic be the guiding force, ask each other if there are specific needs that need to be met. Ask her what she needs, state what you need. If there is something that needs to be compromised, find a way to meet in the middle.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

AlisonBlaire said:


> What I am hearing is that you are hurt, confused, and you wonder why she won't communicate with you. If there is a distance between the both of you, I would sit down together. Instead of letting all this tension that is becoming problematic be the guiding force, ask each other if there are specific needs that need to be met. Ask her what she needs, state what you need. If there is something that needs to be compromised, find a way to meet in the middle.


We did sit down this morning. She thought that I wanted to move to the next level, like today. As much as I would be comfortable with that, I recognized that wouldn't be happening anytime in the near future for several reasons. I am for the most part happy with where we are. "We" are good, our situation isn't ideal, but its manageable. We both agreed to "tell" more to the other. she's happy to "let go " of inconsequential stuff, she also realizes I'm more emotional that she is. As long as there are no Drama Festivals, shes fine with that. She wants the same thing I do, no drama, and, a long term commitment. There are going to be more challenges - and the kids schedule is one of them, but now there aren't any options to change thing from either end. Who knows what the summer might bring, so no point in making adjustments for 2 and a half months. We discussed "us time" as little as it is. She said how much she enjoyed that 

SHe mentioned the house key today (I have one). Told her I have never used it or had a need to use it. Good thing I had it today, because 20 minutes after leaving her place she locked herself out. LOL. Not really funny, but still....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

When she creates these separate days go to the gym or meet friends. 

Most women in love a pretty clingy. Your GF is not. See if she stays steady.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> When she creates these separate days go to the gym or meet friends.
> 
> Most women in love a pretty clingy. Your GF is not. See if she stays steady.


OH I have plenty to do, I have my kids... 

Not sure what you mean by "see if she stays steady"


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> "We" are good, our situation isn't ideal, but its manageable. We both agreed to "tell" more to the other. she's happy to "let go " of inconsequential stuff, she also realizes I'm more emotional that she is. As long as there are no Drama Festivals, shes fine with that. She wants the same thing I do, no drama, and, a long term commitment.


 In your own word your relationship with her "isn't ideal, but its manageable", and that she is willing to let go of inconsequential stuff" as "long as there are no Drama Festivals" due to you being "more emotional". I am sorry but those words and her actions are not those of someone that you should be thinking of growing old with. She is just not that in to you. You are the guy she keeps in her orbit as she tries to see if she can do better. This is not really a knock on you, just a comment that she does not appreciate who you are. For example, there are women out there that would see you being a caring person as good thing, instead as of a bad thing that she calls "emotional" but is willing to "let go". Stop trying to make this work if she is not fully on-board. The funny thing is that if you start to pull away from her, she just might come running after you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think you are sensing something and for reason. Her actions don't not seem to match her words. You have said that has been you in the past to bring up issues to talk about but that her responses seem to not address the questions which leaves you without answers and still hanging on. Could it be that she is afraid of losing you but is not sure that she is as in love with you as you might be with her? 

I think it is time to have a serious conversation about these silent times and what she is doing with her time. When two people want to be together they are together and they communicate that desire for one another.

My second husband was much like you have described your girlfriend when we were dating but it didn't stop after we married. We are still together but I have spent an entire marriage of me going to him and me trying to pull him into the relationship. He is emotionally unavailable and passive-aggressive. These might be things to consider for yourself as this might be a good indication of what life would be like with her and without proper communication you are always trying to understand the other person.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

TRy said:


> In your own word your relationship with her "isn't ideal, but its manageable", and that she is willing to let go of inconsequential stuff" as "long as there are no Drama Festivals" due to you being "more emotional". I am sorry but those words and her actions are not those of someone that you should be thinking of growing old with. She is just not that in to you. You are the guy she keeps in her orbit as she tries to see if she can do better. This is not really a knock on you, just a comment that she does not appreciate who you are. For example, there are women out there that would see you being a caring person as good thing, instead as of a bad thing that she calls "emotional" but is willing to "let go". Stop trying to make this work if she is not fully on-board. The funny thing is that if you start to pull away from her, she just might come running after you.


"isn't ideal, but its manageable" was/is in reference to the timing of when we each have our kids. Like any relationship, there are bound to be challenges, and this just happens to be one of them. It could have been "money" as the relationship challenge (as it often is) but its not. We both are looking for ways to correct that without impacting our kids. We may have to voluntarily settle for a less then best situation in the short term for the long term gain. My son, for example, will only be home for a couple years before he chooses to go of to post-secondary education. 

She messaged me last night and told me that it was a really good thing that I stopped over unannounced yesterday...among other things she said it demonstrated my conviction, dedication, and determination. And, for the first time in a long time she started with the warm fuzzy txts...usually its me who does the initiating.

Its easy to fall into a level of complacency after a time, and I guess Im just taking measures to be certain I dont do that in the future. I may have been like that with my ex, I dont know. I do know I dont want to make whatever mistakes I made then, even though I honestly dont know what those were.

S.O. is effervescive and demonstrative with emotion when were alone, but isn't in front of her kids. But even that is getting better...she'll now kiss me goodbye in front of the kids which she used to avoid...avoid is a strong word there, but you know what I mean. The kids are her kids, and I dont parent them at all, they have though hugged me one or twice...that was nice.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> Dude, your all over the place...
> Anxious much?
> 
> I have one BIG question of you...
> ...


A very pointed and critical reply. Thanks. Seriously. thank you. 
I am afraid, I will admit that. I am afraid of the pain of loss I experienced after 15 years washed out without even an acknowledgement as to why. I didnt just lose my wife, I lost putting my kids to bed every night, I lost my house. Everything. My new SO is nothing like my Ex, and perhaps I do try too hard, and perhaps I do overanalyze.

After talking with the SO yesterday, I saw her needs more clearly (and conversely..she mine). And, I felt more at ease with how she saw where we were supposed to be headed. Nothing is attainable in an instant, and I am happy what we have. We will be in this "level" of our relationship for a while, and I am satisfied with that. I did speak to her more about "our" schedule and how we accomodate holidays and such...I even said we have to start treating this as a family situation, not two people seeing each other...I asked and that definition didnt bother her, although she admitted for her family means kids and parents. She understood though that since I dont have parents the meaning for me may have changed...

She didnt think I was Dropping the Big One, wanting to break up. She did think I was trying to push to another level. Neither of those were true.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems that you want the two of you to behave as though you are married and just living in separate houses while she has stated that she doesn't want to get married. See the issue here? Two different agendas.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sounds like you got some stuff cleared up and that's good.

I can't believe how cool she is, even appreciative, about you showing up unannounced. I would hate that!


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> It seems that you want the two of you to behave as though you are married and just living in separate houses while she has stated that she doesn't want to get married. See the issue here? Two different agendas.


Good point. ALthough....when she said she didnt want to get married (again) she also said "the institution of marriage is a joke". She is not averse to co-habitating and spending life with someone. Just doesnt need all the hoopla. 

My ex and I werent married...for 15 years...but we were together. I dont neccissarily need the certificate to know I'm in a committed relationship. The piece of paper doesn't guarantee that.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

foolscotton3 said:


> In positive psychology, in order to be flourishing, the possibility of failure cannot be worrisome.
> This is also important, since you are goal oriented, and trying to lead her to that autotelic goal.
> 
> I strongly believe that the more time you spend at this level (presently) the better your relationship will be. Cherish these moments, its good stress.


I guess you believe that whatever doent kill you makes you stronger? LOL

All Im gonna say is that after the March/April I had 3 years ago, there cant possibly be anything that stresses me. Ever.


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## Chuck_Canuck (Jul 14, 2014)

Well after our chat on Friday, it seems some of the message didn't sink in. At all. 

I said regarding planning, if coming over or getting together isn't going to be feasable, Id rather just be told, instead of being lead along only to hear "sorry, no" later. 

Well for reasons Im not going to go into there might be some question about me popping over later tonight...despite not having really seen each other since Wednesday. I even said.."so, you just want me to stay home tonight"....to give her the opportunity to conclusively say "yeah, that might be best". Basically she said "Ill let you know". I tried pushing the issue by nailing down a "later" time, so I said..."I'll aim for 9-ish or a little later". Her response was "I'll let you know if the coast is looking clear".

"Maybe....", "If....", not very clear, and not very respectful of my needs and my time. I can find something else to do, but not if I'm sitting waiting to pop over and then at the last minute being told "sorry, no"....

If I end up over there this week I'm going to mention this. Since she now knows we're going to be open and talk about these things.

Not very respectful of how I feel, or that I might have something I'd do...


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

After 16 mos. why does she have to wait for the coast to clear? 

For the kids to go to bed? 

How long has she been divorced? 

Why aren't your families more blended by now? Why not eat dinner as one big happy family and then take the kids home? Why not have weekends WITH kids? 

Seems like you've both made this very complicated. Why?


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## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE (Mar 13, 2015)

Do you not really get she is about control?
She is pushing to see how much control she has over you.

Stop letting her lead you around by the nose and I bet you will be happy with the result.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> Not very respectful of how I feel, or that I might have something I'd do...


 You complaining about her not giving you resepct throughout your thread, shows that you do not understand that respect is not given, it it earned. If you act like a doormat, you cannot complain that she is walking all over you. If you want to be respected, start acting worthy of respect. 

For example, instead of asking her if you can come over for dinner at 9ish, you should instead tell her that you are making plans for dinner and that if she wants to be part of those plans, she needs to let you know now. When she tells you that she will let you know later if the coast is clear, tell her that you were extending her an invitation not offering her a futures option, and that the answer is either yes or no, and that anything other than a yes will be treated as a no by you. Do not say it with anger, just say it. If she does not say yes, make other plans or not, but in any case refuse to go over to her place that night no matter what. Do this type of thing consistently. Be a hard ass about it. Do not back down. She either gets with the plan or she does not. Her current treatment of you cannot be allowed by you to be the norm.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Chuck_Canuck said:


> ALthough....when she said she didnt want to get married (again) she also said "the institution of marriage is a joke". She is not averse to co-habitating and spending life with someone. Just doesnt need all the hoopla.


 In the movie "When Harry Met Sally", Sally was in a long term multi-year relationship where her significant other (SO) said the same thing to her that your SO is saying to you now about not wanting "to get married (again)". 6 months after they broke up, her ex-SO he got engaged to someone else. When Harry asked her why she was crying about it since they were no longer a couple, Sally said that she just realized that when he said that "he did not want to get married, he really meant that he did not want to get married to me". Many of my friends tell place holder girlfriends that they do not want to get married to keep them around until they find someone else. They also demand space and go silent on these placeholders. You are in a placeholder relationship. If it fits your purpose for now to continue this relationship, do not get too attached.


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