# Kids activities and boundaries



## Fulmona (Jun 16, 2015)

Hi All,

First time poster here.

I'm a separated man and have been split from my ex for almost a year. We share joint custody of a 6 year old son.

Since the day we separated, my ex and I have been on amicable terms and have been focused on our son and building a successful co-parenting relationship. I believe we have handled it well.

I personally feel the boundaries I've set with the ex are reasonable. We do not rely on each other for emotional support, financial support, or other day to day comforts. We live very separate lives and have minimal contact with the exception of matters to do with our son. We are both actively involved in his schooling and social activities and generally make joint decisions that relate to his schedule, health, education etc. I would describe the relationship with my ex as very businesslike and constructive.

As part of this, we both show an active interest in his activites, specifically hockey (2 times per week), and most recently swimming, once per week. To this point we have both been in attendance whenever possible, regardless of who's time with him it was. Neither of us has restricted the other from attending, calling him on the phone most nights. From time to time my ex may invite me to attend (with our son) an event that she is involved in, which I usually decline. 

My ground rules have generally been, no one on one time with the ex. None. And if attending a joint activity - arrive and leave separately.

All was working well. Enter my new relationship...

I have been with a new woman for a few months now. She is recently separated with 2 kids, and has also tried to maintain an amicable relationship with her ex.

A constant source of tension in our relationship is our disagreements over boundaries with my ex - specifically regular attendance at our child's activities. I argue that it's best for our child if both parents show an active interest in his life (I personally had a father who would often miss events - and I knew when I was a dad I wanted to be better). 

She argues that my ex is using these events as a way to try to get closer, and try to get the family back together. She argues that it isn't common, and isn't appropriate for both parents to attend every single event - and sees my exes attendance as a threat to our relationship. She seems unable to separate my relationship with my son vs. that with my ex, which is a big issue for me.

Basically, I'm at a bit of a crossroads with this new relationship. My heart is telling me the new relationship is worth the effort, but my gut is telling me that my new partner's view is problematic and not what's best for my son.

Would be curious to learn what other boundaries people think are appropriate and what tips they found useful in helping they manage a successful co-parenting arrangement and the needs of their new partner.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Your new partner doesn't want you to attend all of your son's events. Does it really matter why? That, in itself, would be a show-stopper for me. I attend my son's events. If my ex-husband attends, great! If not, that's fine too. Because it isn't about my ex-husband, it's about my son. I would not personally keep a new relationship that asked me to stop attending my son's events just because my ex-husband would be there. I'm still a parent, as is my ex-husband. But we aren't a couple, don't want to be a couple, and neither of us is a threat to any new relationship either of us might have. 

If that's your situation, and you have strong clear boundaries with your ex, then this is a jealousy problem your new partner has - not a co-parenting problem you have. Talk this over with your new partner some more. See if there is something you can do - that does not include skipping your son's events - to make her more comfortable with the situation. If there isn't, and she insists that you should just not attend things that your ex also attends, you may need to seriously reconsider the new relationship. Or at least think about how much of your son's life you're willing to miss out on to make your new girlfriend happy....


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Rowan said:


> Your new partner doesn't want you to attend all of your son's events. Does it really matter why? That, in itself, would be a show-stopper for me. I attend my son's events. If my ex-husband attends, great! If not, that's fine too. Because it isn't about my ex-husband, it's about my son. I would not personally keep a new relationship that asked me to stop attending my son's events just because my ex-husband would be there. I'm still a parent, as is my ex-husband. But we aren't a couple, don't want to be a couple, and neither of us is a threat to any new relationship either of us might have.
> 
> If that's your situation, and you have strong clear boundaries with your ex, then this is a jealousy problem your new partner has - not a co-parenting problem you have. Talk this over with your new partner some more. See if there is something you can do - that does not include skipping your son's events - to make her more comfortable with the situation. If there isn't, and she insists that you should just not attend things that your ex also attends, you may need to seriously reconsider the new relationship. Or at least think about how much of your son's life you're willing to miss out on to make your new girlfriend happy....


I was going to comment similarly to what Rowan said, but I can't really improve on anything here. Well said.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Its very common for ex's to attend kids activities around here. Usually, they don't sit together and frequently never talk, but they are there. I agree with Rowan, this sounds like an issue with the new GF, not a boundary issue with the ex.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your new girl friend is wrong. It doesn't matter if it's common, it's right. 

That would be a huge red flag for me. That spells over possessive and controlling. 

Please put your children first. You don't have to be best friends with your ex and it's not wise to be, there should be some boundaries, however you can be friendly and put ill feelings aside for the children's sake and they will thank you for it. 

I would tell your GF, that you will never stop going to your children's events and if she can't accept it to move along.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Agree with the others I attend all of my son's events regardless if its my ex's day or not. I am there for my child not my ex.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

The moment she said you shouldn't attend your kids activities you should have left her so fast her head spun. Don't let somone come between your relationship with your son. He needs you. You GF needs power and control and is pushing for it now


And she is wrong about the activities. I go to everything with my x, we don't drive there together, but we will sit next to one another and I can't stand the woman.


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## Fulmona (Jun 16, 2015)

Thanks for all the comments. They echo my sentiments as well.

I wasn't clear though, that her main issue was my ex attending the events, not be being there (makes no difference).

Update, the new girlfriend just broke things off with me because "I am too attached" and "still acting married". In other words, I showed my backbone and it scared her off.

Looks like this is the best move, and I'm glad I see her behaviour and control issues for what they really are. I am looking forward to enjoying my time with my son again without the drama and guilt trips.

Too bad, as aside from this issue we had the elements of a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

Next!


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## Fulmona (Jun 16, 2015)

And for what it's worth, I had ended things with her before over this issue. She begged me back a few days later and promised change. I gave her another chance, but nothing changed.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Drop her. You are a package deal. Besides, so soon after her own separation she is seeing you? Not relationship material right now.

She has two kids too and doesn't get co parenting, that's a problem. A big one.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

It sounds like your current girlfriend is a bit insecure with the relationship between your ex wife and yourself. If she's recently separated, would the reasoning behind the separation be part of it? Is she carrying something from the past into the present / future?

The groundwork you have described between your ex and yourself sounds reasonable, an ideal situation for a divorced couple with kids.

If you don't want to be around your ex wife when it comes to one on one situations, that's up to you and within your right. I honestly think the only boundaries I would have in place is having my ex wife bring her boyfriends to events on "my" current time of care and control with my children.

Now, if I'm to attend something on her week I give them space. She's brought her new boyfriend around a few times and as long as I feel the kids aren't being manipulated to refrain from speaking to me I have no issues. I'd expect the same treatment if the roles were reversed.

In all honesty your best bet here is to take what your girlfriend is telling you and honestly ask yourself if anything she's expressing is happening. While you cannot control what your ex wife is doing, you also don't need to react to it, heck, it could all just be in your girlfriends head.

Figure out what the reality is and what's delusion. Then take care for the delusion. Assert your boundaries and how the dice fall is how it will play out.


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## Fulmona (Jun 16, 2015)

06Daddio08 said:


> In all honesty your best bet here is to take what your girlfriend is telling you and honestly ask yourself if anything she's expressing is happening. While you cannot control what your ex wife is doing, you also don't need to react to it, heck, it could all just be in your girlfriends head


To be honest, it's possible, and it's the only reason I've had a shred of empathy with my GF over the issue and have done my best to try to make her feel secure. Normally I wouldn't tolerate even a glimpse of perceived jealous controlling behaviour, but in this case the root of her insecurity may have some legitimacy that was worth exploring.

My ex can be sneaky and vindictive, and very good at faking being nice if it suits her agenda. The reaction that it has provoked in my GF could very well be what my ex intended. It's possible she wants to damage my new relationship by being perceived as a threat by acting perfect and as much as a family unit as possible. She still carries alot of hurt from the split, and this may be her reaction. 

That said, like you said, I cannot control her. I don't maintain regular enough contact with her or have deep enough conversations to know if this is in fact in her agenda. Whatever the case, I ignore it, I don't let it effect me as I have full closure on the relationship with my ex. She can behave however she chooses to behave - as long as it doesn't impact our child, it's none of my business.

I've explained this to my GF to a great extent. Usually I would get her to a place of understanding, and then things would blow up again over the smallest issue. For example, receiving a text from my ex about my son, driving slightly out of my way to pick him up etc would make her question the boundaries and the level of perceived attachment to my ex.

Ironic, as she has strived for a similarly ideal co-parenting arrangement with her ex.

Not that any of it matters that as of today the relationship is over because of this issue. Her desire to end it over this speaks volumes about my girlfriend's emotional availability and commitment level at the present time than it does about me, and I can't change that.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

She ended it with you over this? That's unfortunate but probably for the best as it stands.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Can't help thinking that your ex gf was sh1t testing you. Things didn't go her way so she cut you off rather than look inward at the reason for her jealousy. 

It is possible to see things when they're not there, but it could mean she hasn't healed too well. Being in a new relationship requires a level of vulnerability and trust she doesn't seem ready for. 

How long has she been divorced? 

Watch out for her crawling back again. Don't let a yo-yo back in. Cut off the string and carry on. 

For what it's worth, the arrangements you have in place for co-parenting sound mature.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Nice to see a father so involved in their children's lives...seems you are doing well.


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