# Concerned about my husbands growing unhappiness. Why so unhappy?



## sahtrader (Dec 19, 2017)

I posted on here before about my husband's desire to change careers to becoming a farmer full time. We ran the numbers and agreed that it is not probable that we'd be able to live off of farming alone. Farming would be a net loss endeavor at the scale we're willing to farm at. My husband is still not 100% convinced he cannot make it work, and still hopes he'd find a way to make his hobby profitable someday. He is now seeing it more clearly that his plan to switch to an at home career may not work and he'd be stuck in his current career. He's starting to become unhappy as a result. In fact, he told me that he's considering joining the National Guard because it give him an opportunity to be a part of something, feeds his need for adventure, and has benefits (retirement help, etc). 

He says he concerned that he "did not set us up" real well financially in the long term and wants to rectify the situation. However, I do not like the idea of running things by myself while he's off for an extended period of time. I don't like that he expects me to get all the routine maintenance work dumped on me and be ok with it, especially when I'm working on the only viable opportunity to make money at home, trading stocks. It takes a lot of time to perfect the strategy, etc. And I'm expected to have more than one kid and homeschool them too, more drain on my spare time. He also expects me to maintain the farm stuff he starts, watering plants by hand everyday, etc. He recently chided me for not using the clothes line outside instead of the dryer. 

I'm starting to resent him for his unrealistic expectations. He got rally mad when I told him we need to consider sending our kids to public school so I can focus on the home business, then homeschool them, once I got on firm footing. He eventually agreed that that sending to public school may be necessary in certain situations. I'm wondering if there is some sort of character flaw in him that makes it impossible to be unhappy. I'm concerned that this could ruin our marriage if he's not honest with himself with what he wants and is not up front with me about it (he says he like the idea of putting down roots somewhere but he wants to join the national guard and do something adventurous - those two things are not consistent). 

He wants to farm full time but in his spare time right now he's playing computer games and doing farm type projects here and there and expecting me to maintain them. Anyone encounter someone likes this? I at least know what I want and am up front about it (told him I really don't like getting the routine stuff dumped on me because it distracts me from working on the more important trading, etc). One time he complained that I was honest with the realities we're up against farming instead of being "more encouraging". What's up with that. I'm an INTJ by the way, so I'm trying to make something work for us, since I care about him and don't want to waste valuable time on something that's not likely to work. Thought?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You both need to see a financial planner and get your financial house in order. Know where you are, know where you want to be, and come up with a plan you can execute to get you there. Your job "trading stocks" is not a job and most people that day trade lose money at it, so it will probably compound your financial problems. Are you homeschooling for religious reasons or other reasons? The best course of action would be decide what your values are individually and as a couple, then organize your priorities and finances to meet those values. You can't always do everything you want but if what you do meets your values then you'll at least be happy with your prioritizations.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

He says he’s not convinced full time farming won’t pay the bills, so that means he ought to take the plunge? Actually, a wise man would see the reverse—you only make the change if you are sure that it will pay the bills.


One other thing piques my concern meter is he needs something to feed his need for adventure.... but his first choice was to be a farmer? Does not compute.

It sounds like he really doesn’t know what he wants. That’s a bad place from which to be making life altering decisions. It sounds like he is discovering the realities of adult life and the responsibilities that go with it. He is romanticizing other occupations, not realizing they also come with some serious responsibilities as well.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am going to give you guys a great big caveat: Wanting is a whole lot more pleasurable than having. I have had a great number of clients over the years that worked diligently for that amazing change in career. I even did it, and it was disastrous. My dream was cooking professionally in my own restaurant. After losing $50K my first year, I started looking for a buyer in my second. I dropped our nest egg, down payment, and nearly our marriage down a hole. It took us five years to get back on a solid financial footing, and were dealing with fallout for a great number of years. (How about Coca Cola taking me to court because they lost the notification of change of ownership, they tried to go after me for purchases made by two successive owners-I called their driver as a witness-their attorney actually said to him, on the stand that if he wasn't a good company man, and talked against me, he could lose his job-the judge intervened and let Coke's attorney know that the remark was going to result in censure from the Law Society-he shut up damn quick-I repeated what I heard at his hearing-suspension 90days.)

It is good that you discovered that this would be money down a hole before committing. So farming is off the table, find another dream. I find that most people looking for a dream are really saying that they hate their current job/career, and a change of scenery is all that is required. Me? mine was a calculated risk, I had partners that bailed at the 11th hour. I wanted to work the place, but the pressures, and the schedule ultimately did me in.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

How old are you guys?

You sound pretty young. I am all for dreams and hopes, but this sounds a little early in the marriage for this. 

Further, I come from a family of ranchers and farmers, don't do it. 

Basically small farms have very little chance these days, unless you are in a niche market and everything goes perfect, which it never does. 

Sounds to me like your H is a little immature in his wants and dreams...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

adventurous farming... watering by hand...

are we talking about intensive micro-culture? it CAN be very profitable. its also a hell of a lot of hard work. and takes a lot of research.

and even if you have all the hard work and research, some areas simply wont sustain it.


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## sahtrader (Dec 19, 2017)

Thank you all for your input. I realize that we need to think long and hard about what our priorities are and be honest with each other about them. There are competing priorities and time is limited:

1) Children to get a quality homeschool education, for religious reasons and due to public school getting weaker in math and science, but it requires me to be heavily involved in their education.

2) Husband wants an at home career - It needs to be something he enjoys, could do part time, still pays the bills, and allows him to farm part time. This requires a type of job where he could make a good income even if he's not working 40 hours + per week.

3) There are inconsistent desires I've noticed over the years. I think he's not being honest with himself about his desires. He says he wants to put down roots, avoid TV and screens like the plague, eat home grown food that's processed and turned into 5 star dishes by his wife that hates cooking, kids homeschooled, we reduce our living expenses so much we cannot go out to eat much or do anything for entertainment that requires money ... but over the years he likes 5 star dining, spends hours and hours on the computer, spends money on items like smokers, guns, etc, likes going out to eat with family and friends, went out of town a few times soon after our first child was born (did he just want to run away?), now wants to run off to the National Guard (does he want to run off again for a longer time?), wants three kids but does not help with our daughter much. He says he wants to run a home business but goofs off instead of working on trading. It's not a job job but he did not like the idea of me going back to work as an engineer, since that would mean putting our daughter into daycare.

I do like the idea of thinking about what our values are and making those higher priority. We just need to be honest about how we'd rank our priorities, I'm irked that he seems to be dishonest about what he really values more. I do also think he's more attracted to the possibility of changing careers than what that would actually be like. I wonder if he'd still want to "run off" after having the stay at home career and do something else. His desire to run off so much really concerns me. Even my mother in law noticed him running off so much after our daughter was born and talked to me about it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Taxman said:


> I am going to give you guys a great big caveat: Wanting is a whole lot more pleasurable than having.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

sahtrader said:


> Thank you all for your input. I realize that we need to think long and hard about what our priorities are and be honest with each other about them. There are competing priorities and time is limited:
> 
> 1) Children to get a quality homeschool education, for religious reasons and due to public school getting weaker in math and science, but it requires me to be heavily involved in their education.
> 
> ...


OK that helps. 

Here is your answer, he is a religious man child dreamer. He has no concept of what an adult life and raising a family is like. 

I would like to earn a living working 20 hours a week as well. I am a manager where I work and I am well established and I STILL work 40 hours a week and I am on call 24/7/365. 

He needs to get real. And if you want this marriage you will have to do something to wake him up. 

Unless you hit the lotto, are a lucky real estate agent that makes that one huge commercial sale, are a good business man that has several business that are established and don't require you to be there all the time, and any of several other good/lucky scenarios... then life does not work the way that your H is thinking it does. 

You sound smart, do you not realize that his "plans" are for the most part a childish pipe dream? 

I mean someone has to be the adult...


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Does he have any male mentor figures in his life? Perhaps a men's group at your church? He needs someone to help guide him into manhood. Counseling would be helpful, but it's not the same thing.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I don't know what your faith tradition is, but he might benefit from the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge as a supplement to good mentoring.


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## sahtrader (Dec 19, 2017)

BluesPower thanks for the honest input. I do realize that the likelihood of success in terms of what my husband seems to be after is slim. I am currently enjoying learning about the stock market, it fulfills some need of mine to be working toward a goal, get some intellectual stimulation, etc. I failed miserably at another goal I worked on in the past, so I know failure could hurt a lot, but would hope I'm a bit more aware of the possibility of failure this time. We limit how much we invest in trading too. I even offered to go to work, he comes home does the homeschool / farming thing. But he did not like that because of "gender roles". He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'd rather work in engineering than work on a homestead, especially since I have a medical condition that is somewhat disabling. Maybe I just need to work out a scenario for him that shows what is likely to happen if we fail to make the career change thing happen and scenarios for what could happen if he becomes a little more open minded with me going back to work, not homeschooling (we live in a good school district), he trades part time/ farms, etc. I told him that I'm unwilling to trade, homeschool and run a farm by myself. If he wants a farm, he needs to be able to do the maintenance, daily routine stuff himself. Basically, he is stuck unless he allows me to make some (unconventional) changes. I'm religious too but am not 100% against women working outside of the home when they have kids, especially in our situation where I'm not physically fit to be running a farm, but he is. He's also the one who wants to farm, not me.

Townes, my husband does not have anyone to guide him. At our last church, he befriended people that had similar goals and were successful getting there. They had a different situation: They both worked, kids went to public school, they bought land early in their marriage, after many years built a house on the land, still work, and just started farming. They did a lot of things my husband is unwilling to do to meet a similar goal. At our new church, we met a couple that were able to buy 100 acres of land nearby, live in an RV with 3 kids, while they build their house that will be done 8 years from now if nothing goes wrong. They too had a very different situation: they inherited a lot of money from parents, parent helps with the kids regularly while the couple works on projects, etc. My husband flat out told them while we were talking, "My wife was not willing to live in an RV while we built a house ..." I had to tell the wife separately that it was because I'm not able to do a lot of physical labor because of a medical condition. I also struggled with insomnia and getting easily overheated after my daughter was born and could not bear the thought of living in an RV. It was "ugly" of him to poo poo me in public like that. I am just not cut out for farming but my husband is still in denial about that. He may need to talk to some of his former mentors, the ones that encouraged him to go to college in the first place, and improve his situation. He used to work minimum wage before making any changes. His father was hard working and was a man about taking responsibility for his kids and wife. He instilled those values into his children. Too bad he passed away more than a year ago. My husband generally tries to do the right thing, but now I think he's getting antsy with not getting what he really wants. I think he's probably afraid to tell me want he really wants because I won't like the answer.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hes being totally unrealistic!

Living in fantasyland. Unmotivated playing video games and such.

But I think the national guard might be a good thing. Might teach him how to be motivated and give him direction.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Your husband sounds like a flake. He started a family with you and (assuming it was not a shotgun wedding) assumed the responsibility freely.

I guess a family isn't what he thought it would be? Too ****ing bad. This child needs to grow the hell up and do right. 

Too many people don't understand sacrifice and responsibility. That's the problem with dreamers. They all too often lose the ability to see the distinction between deams and reality.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sahtrader said:


> BluesPower thanks for the honest input. I do realize that the likelihood of success in terms of what my husband seems to be after is slim. I am currently enjoying learning about the stock market, it fulfills some need of mine to be working toward a goal, get some intellectual stimulation, etc. I failed miserably at another goal I worked on in the past, so I know failure could hurt a lot, but would hope I'm a bit more aware of the possibility of failure this time. We limit how much we invest in trading too. I even offered to go to work, he comes home does the homeschool / farming thing. But he did not like that because of "gender roles". He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'd rather work in engineering than work on a homestead, especially since I have a medical condition that is somewhat disabling. Maybe I just need to work out a scenario for him that shows what is likely to happen if we fail to make the career change thing happen and scenarios for what could happen if he becomes a little more open minded with me going back to work, not homeschooling (we live in a good school district), he trades part time/ farms, etc. I told him that I'm unwilling to trade, homeschool and run a farm by myself. If he wants a farm, he needs to be able to do the maintenance, daily routine stuff himself. Basically, he is stuck unless he allows me to make some (unconventional) changes. I'm religious too but am not 100% against women working outside of the home when they have kids, especially in our situation where I'm not physically fit to be running a farm, but he is. He's also the one who wants to farm, not me.
> 
> Townes, my husband does not have anyone to guide him. At our last church, he befriended people that had similar goals and were successful getting there. They had a different situation: They both worked, kids went to public school, they bought land early in their marriage, after many years built a house on the land, still work, and just started farming. They did a lot of things my husband is unwilling to do to meet a similar goal. At our new church, we met a couple that were able to buy 100 acres of land nearby, live in an RV with 3 kids, while they build their house that will be done 8 years from now if nothing goes wrong. They too had a very different situation: they inherited a lot of money from parents, parent helps with the kids regularly while the couple works on projects, etc. My husband flat out told them while we were talking, "My wife was not willing to live in an RV while we built a house ..." I had to tell the wife separately that it was because I'm not able to do a lot of physical labor because of a medical condition. I also struggled with insomnia and getting easily overheated after my daughter was born and could not bear the thought of living in an RV. It was "ugly" of him to poo poo me in public like that. I am just not cut out for farming but my husband is still in denial about that. He may need to talk to some of his former mentors, the ones that encouraged him to go to college in the first place, and improve his situation. He used to work minimum wage before making any changes. His father was hard working and was a man about taking responsibility for his kids and wife. He instilled those values into his children. Too bad he passed away more than a year ago. My husband generally tries to do the right thing, but now I think he's getting antsy with not getting what he really wants. I think he's probably afraid to tell me want he really wants because I won't like the answer.


i think you are right in that your husband doesn't exactly know what he wants. 

that said, i know several people who make six figures on a few acres of land. but, they cater to niche markets and they work they asses off. 

i think your husband wants to define himself by accomplishments... and that is good to an extent. but, he DOES need to be realistic. 

i know from experience that i can make any hobby i have profitable. for me, part of the fun of my hobbies is finding a way to make it profitable. i do that by finding out what people want and catering to the demands of niche markets. for instance, i have sold a lot of dirt to people. just bags of dirt. but, what made those bags of dirt special was that i had seeded that dirt with critters that are good for people who breed decorative fish. i have also sold a lot of algae, what basically amounts to pond scum, to people. but again, i tailored it to fill a need in a specific niche market. the algae/pond scum, when used properly, contributes to incredibly high fecundity rates among breeding fish and incredibly high survival rates of their fry. i specifically targeted people who were attempting to breed fish that were difficult to breed, and to this day, i still get requests for my dirt and algae. and for any of the hundreds of pure cultures of various critters i have produced...

if i would have any piece of advice for you, it would be to tell your husband to make it profitable by himself first, but he needs to be the one doing the work. for instance, instead of having you water the plants, tell him that he needs to set up an automated system of some kind so that the plants are watered without needing you to do it. be that through using mulch or automatic sprinklers, he needs to be the one to figure out how to make it happen. 

if he can show that he KNOWS how to make it profitable, then consider it. in my case, im pretty sure that i could make more money just growing stuff on my 3.5 acres of land than i do as a soldier. but, i am under no illusion that it is easy work. rewarding, yes. easy, no...


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

To be honest, what I am hearing is that he is rudderless. He wants, without knowing the path toward his goal. What he should be doing is first get some career counselling. Maybe I am out to lunch, but he says one thing does another, and seems to have some flights of fancy. Nice. However, there is a little matter of food on the table and a roof over the head. He has kids to support. You want to home school, then he does anything to keep the dollars flowing. Tuches offen tisch. Yiddish expression. Translation-balls to the wall. Family to take care of means dreams on hold. Major bucks required, take any job, and get it done. Sorry, I have done a whole lot and have put dreams on hold more than once to make sure that the bills are paid, and the heat stays on. And when my dreams have failed, I had a nest egg to blow, not working capital, I had savings to blow, dreams on hold, picked up the pieces, and carried on.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

sahtrader, from your description of things, you are only half his wife but he put into a position of being half his mother, because of his lack of deciding to do things without your help. The mother thing is saying he relies on you like he might have his mother when he was in school.

I used to repair cars at home and there was no way my W would ever help me work on a project I started and wanted her to do the daily maintenance. 

If your medical condition is even a bit serious, i would be looking for work with health insurance ASAP.

BTW, I am an investor and do not do any short term trading because it doesn't work well for me and there are hundred of investment companies with hundreds of PhD level people working for these hundreds of companies. I know I am not as knowledgeable as hundreds of PhD folks that work full time at evaluating companies for future worth. 

I have done OK with holding some good companies but that took from 10 to 40 years for some to really pay off. I have also been the treasurer of an investment club for 10 years. Losing money fast is easy but everything the club owns took time it increase in value.

BetterInvesting - Non-profit Investment Education


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

@sahtrader

I sent you a PM (private message)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband is a dreamer. And he wants you to do the hard work of making his dreams come true. You aren't cooperating the way he wants you to. So, yes, he's unhappy but don't let him guilt you into trying to make his dreams reality.


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