# Adult Kids Think I'm His Mistress



## gretagable

I'm in a 7 month relationship with a man I have been friends with for years. He and I worked together, and were supportive of each other during the (unrelated) ends of our respective marriages. We were both in painfully toxic marriages, and having the understanding and support has been amazing. Outside of that, our relationship is fun, light and respectful. We love spending time together and share many common interests. We have also been able to give each other the space we need as we rebuild our lives as single adults. 

The problem arises with his three adult children: daughter (24), son (30) and son (32). His ex wife told his kids that the reason he left is because he and I were having an affair. This is patently false, and at the time of his separation we hadn't even hugged let alone had any emotional impropriety. What his kids don't know is that he had a plan in place for over a year to leave, and he ended up leaving suddenly (and in a bit of a scene), because he discovered his ex-wife had lojacked his phone and had been tracking him without his knowledge for months. She followed him around one day, followed him back to work, and had a huge screaming confrontation in the parking lot about where he had been and what he was doing. During this screaming fit (at his place of work), she shared some highly personal, humiliating information about him within earshot of his coworkers. He never went home again after that day, and has been living alone since. 

He and I started dating a couple months later, but were obviously friends during the tension of the actual separation episode. His children have all but disowned him, calling him an adulterer. They all hate me, and his daughter (whom I had never met prior), had a screaming confrontation with me in a restaurant because she found out I went hiking with her dad. His kids are now giving him an ultimatum to ditch me or lose them. It has escalated to the point that none of his kids attended the funeral of his recently deceased mother, their grandmother, and have cut him off from his only grandchild. His ex-wife continues to fuel the flames, lying to the kids and telling them we are living together (we're not), and spreading enough rumors about him that its hard for him to socialize in public in our town. The kids never contact him to ask his perspective, they just lap up the lies from their mom and spew verbal and emotional abuse at every opportunity. 


He says he doesn't want to end our relationship, but doesn't know how to deal with his kids, and doesn't know what he'll "have to do" in the long term. Meaning, if really forced to choose, it sounds like he'd choose them. He is reeling from the death of his mother, and this is one more layer of drama and stress that he is struggling to handle. I think he needs to claim our relationship, tell them that he loves them and me, and that he is willing to work on building a relationship with them on civil terms. I am more than willing to have a relationship with his kids and grandchild, and want him to do so if its not abusive towards him. 

At any rate, I don't know what to do or how to be supportive of him without being a doormat. At some point, if he continues to waffle and refuses to live his life, I'll have to move on. I am trying to be as supportive as I can be in light of his mother's recent passing, but I don't know what to do. I love him and we had plans for the future. All of that seems like a farce now.


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## Faithful Wife

Assuming he is still married, end the relationship until his D is final and he has gone through that entire process. Yes, the future plans were probably a farce. No one who is in the middle of an ugly divorce has their act together enough to know what they will do or how they will feel in the future.


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## jlg07

He needs to start pushing back against his ex-w's lies. He is letting HER control his environment -- friends, kids, family etc.. This is just wrong and he needs to step up and correct the lies and through the bull**** flag when his ex-W mouths off.


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## Faithful Wife

jlg07 said:


> He needs to start pushing back against his ex-w's lies. He is letting HER control his environment -- friends, kids, family etc.. This is just wrong and he needs to step up and correct the lies and through the bull**** flag when his ex-W mouths off.


I don't think it is his EX wife.


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## wilson

gretagable said:


> His ex wife told his kids that the reason he left is because he and I were having an affair. This is patently false, and at the time of his separation we hadn't even hugged let alone had any emotional impropriety.


While I believe that you weren't having an affair during this time, I'm getting the sense that you may have been providing emotional support to each other in some way. Even if that's to commiserate about your marriages, that still matters. Since there may have been some underlying attraction, there's a chance you both may have using it to enable you to leave instead of working on the problems in your marriages. I'm guessing that's why his wife was so upset. She may have known you were a friend from along time ago. She's probably assuming that you were having an affair back then, but even if you weren't, the relationship likely provided emotional support that made it easier for him to leave. If you weren't there for him, maybe he would have been more motivated to work on the marriage.

Being a man, I'm guessing he didn't view your "friendship" as just platonic friends. That is, the relationship he had with you was not like with one of his male friends. Even though you weren't physical, I'm guessing he enjoyed the female companionship part of your friendship. And he probably idealized how a relationship would be with you versus with his wife. That may lead to thoughts like "I wish I was with Greta instead of my wife who nags me all the time." So instead of trying to fix his marriage, he may have escaped into a fantasy relationship.

So even though you weren't having an actual affair, there's a good chance that your relationship was a contributing factor in him leaving. Yes, he may have left even if you weren't around, but you being there likely made it more of a certainty. And you started dating while he was married and only 2 months after the separation. That's not really much time later. 

Given all that, I think it's understandable that the kids are upset. I don't think you should try to fix this at all. Time is the only thing that will heal this wound. The kids anger will fade, and hopefully they'll be happy that their dad is happy. Eventually the kids may come to understand the problems in the marriage that led to divorce.


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## BluesPower

gretagable said:


> I'm in a 7 month relationship with a man I have been friends with for years. He and I worked together, and were supportive of each other during the (unrelated) ends of our respective marriages. We were both in painfully toxic marriages, and having the understanding and support has been amazing. Outside of that, our relationship is fun, light and respectful. We love spending time together and share many common interests. We have also been able to give each other the space we need as we rebuild our lives as single adults.
> 
> The problem arises with his three adult children: daughter (24), son (30) and son (32). His ex wife told his kids that the reason he left is because he and I were having an affair. This is patently false, and at the time of his separation we hadn't even hugged let alone had any emotional impropriety. What his kids don't know is that he had a plan in place for over a year to leave, and he ended up leaving suddenly (and in a bit of a scene), because he discovered his ex-wife had lojacked his phone and had been tracking him without his knowledge for months. She followed him around one day, followed him back to work, and had a huge screaming confrontation in the parking lot about where he had been and what he was doing. During this screaming fit (at his place of work), she shared some highly personal, humiliating information about him within earshot of his coworkers. He never went home again after that day, and has been living alone since.
> 
> He and I started dating a couple months later, but were obviously friends during the tension of the actual separation episode. His children have all but disowned him, calling him an adulterer. They all hate me, and his daughter (whom I had never met prior), had a screaming confrontation with me in a restaurant because she found out I went hiking with her dad. His kids are now giving him an ultimatum to ditch me or lose them. It has escalated to the point that none of his kids attended the funeral of his recently deceased mother, their grandmother, and have cut him off from his only grandchild. His ex-wife continues to fuel the flames, lying to the kids and telling them we are living together (we're not), and spreading enough rumors about him that its hard for him to socialize in public in our town. The kids never contact him to ask his perspective, they just lap up the lies from their mom and spew verbal and emotional abuse at every opportunity.
> 
> He says he doesn't want to end our relationship, but doesn't know how to deal with his kids, and doesn't know what he'll "have to do" in the long term. Meaning, if really forced to choose, it sounds like he'd choose them. He is reeling from the death of his mother, and this is one more layer of drama and stress that he is struggling to handle. I think he needs to claim our relationship, tell them that he loves them and me, and that he is willing to work on building a relationship with them on civil terms. I am more than willing to have a relationship with his kids and grandchild, and want him to do so if its not abusive towards him.
> 
> At any rate, I don't know what to do or how to be supportive of him without being a doormat. At some point, if he continues to waffle and refuses to live his life, I'll have to move on. I am trying to be as supportive as I can be in light of his mother's recent passing, but I don't know what to do. I love him and we had plans for the future. All of that seems like a farce now.


I think @faithfulwife is actually correct... end the relationship until his divorce is final. 

However, I will give you another tid bit... You need to think if you actually want to be with a man that is a puss... Now that may sound harsh, but he is. 

If he was not, then he would tell his STBXW to **** off... but he does not. Further, an actual strong man would go to his children and tell them what is actually going on. 

Even further, If they did not accept that he would let them go their own way until they came to their senses, which, because he was weak in his marriage, and his wife wears the pants, may actually never happen. 

Now, I promise that I am not being too harsh... I have seen it a hundred times. A man like this that finally gets the courage to leave a woman like this, and yet still cannot tell her to FO, is not a man that most woman want to be with. 

And since this is anonymous, what did she say that was so bad... that he is terrible in bed or has a little Johnson, or she has been screwing the stud of the century because he cannot satisfy her in bed. 

Sure some of that may be BS, but you may want to take some of that into consideration before you commit to any type of future relationship with this guy...

Don't trade one set of problems for another...


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## jlg07

Faithful Wife said:


> I don't think it is his EX wife.


She wrote" His ex wife told his kids that the reason he left is " so I just assumed...


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## Faithful Wife

jlg07 said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think it is his EX wife.
> 
> 
> 
> She wrote" His ex wife told his kids that the reason he left is " so I just assumed...
Click to expand...

I didn’t notice the ex wife part. So oops! Yeah you are probably right.

But due to the beginning where she said she has been seeing him for 7 months, it made me think the D isn’t final yet. They began dating like right after he separated so it hasn’t been very long to complete the D.

Even still, if it is complete it has only been a matter of months since then. It sounds like the guy is still in the middle of the D crap if he is still having screaming matches with his wife.


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## EleGirl

gretagable said:


> I'm in a 7 month relationship with a man I have been friends with for years.


Has he or his wife filed for divorce? If so, when will his divorce be final?


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## Openminded

Seven months and you already have plans for the future after both of you (recently?) divorcing? Even if his children didn't hate you, you need to slow that way down. Too soon. He has presumably explained the situation to them and they don't believe him (if he hasn't explained then he certainly needs to). When it comes down to it, he'll choose them. If you haven't emotionally prepared for that, you need to.


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## Mr.Married

Something smells fishy ......


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## 2ntnuf

gretagable said:


> I'm in a 7 month relationship with a man I have been friends with for years. He and I worked together, and were supportive of each other during the (unrelated) ends of our respective marriages. We were both in painfully toxic marriages, and having the understanding and support has been amazing. Outside of that, our relationship is fun, light and respectful. We love spending time together and share many common interests. We have also been able to give each other the space we need as we rebuild our lives as single adults.
> 
> The problem arises with his three adult children: daughter (24), son (30) and son (32). His ex wife told his kids that the reason he left is because he and I were having an affair. This is patently false, and at the time of his separation we hadn't even hugged let alone had any emotional impropriety. What his kids don't know is that he had a plan in place for over a year to leave, and he ended up leaving suddenly (and in a bit of a scene), because he discovered his ex-wife had lojacked his phone and had been tracking him without his knowledge for months. She followed him around one day, followed him back to work, and had a huge screaming confrontation in the parking lot about where he had been and what he was doing. During this screaming fit (at his place of work), she shared some highly personal, humiliating information about him within earshot of his coworkers. He never went home again after that day, and has been living alone since.
> 
> He and I started dating a couple months later, but were obviously friends during the tension of the actual separation episode. His children have all but disowned him, calling him an adulterer. They all hate me, and his daughter (whom I had never met prior), had a screaming confrontation with me in a restaurant because she found out I went hiking with her dad. His kids are now giving him an ultimatum to ditch me or lose them. It has escalated to the point that none of his kids attended the funeral of his recently deceased mother, their grandmother, and have cut him off from his only grandchild. His ex-wife continues to fuel the flames, lying to the kids and telling them we are living together (we're not), and spreading enough rumors about him that its hard for him to socialize in public in our town. The kids never contact him to ask his perspective, they just lap up the lies from their mom and spew verbal and emotional abuse at every opportunity.
> 
> 
> He says he doesn't want to end our relationship, but doesn't know how to deal with his kids, and doesn't know what he'll "have to do" in the long term. Meaning, if really forced to choose, it sounds like he'd choose them. He is reeling from the death of his mother, and this is one more layer of drama and stress that he is struggling to handle. I think he needs to claim our relationship, tell them that he loves them and me, and that he is willing to work on building a relationship with them on civil terms. I am more than willing to have a relationship with his kids and grandchild, and want him to do so if its not abusive towards him.
> 
> At any rate, I don't know what to do or how to be supportive of him without being a doormat. At some point, if he continues to waffle and refuses to live his life, I'll have to move on. I am trying to be as supportive as I can be in light of his mother's recent passing, but I don't know what to do. I love him and we had plans for the future. All of that seems like a farce now.


Move on. He isn't ready for a relationship. He needs to put this behind him, first. All of the planning was just dreams, not real planning. His love is not love, but rebound love asking for pity. He probably feels a great deal of resentment and you simply reinforce that and cause him to put off dealing with the issues in his life. If you continue, so will these issues. 

Let him go and find another man without these issues, or your life will continue with this drama, and so will his.


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## manfromlamancha

I have got to admit that this sounds dubious at best.

The fact is that you are sleeping with a married man and his kids (and wife) are upset about it.

The fact that you started "dating" (sleeping with) him 2 months after he separated strongly suggests that the two of you were having an EA leading up to the separation.

Are you divorced and how long ago was that ? What were the circumstances there ? Here it does appear to those on the outside that the two of you were in an EA and this eventually led to his leaving home etc.

Split up, encourage him to recover his marriage if he can else wait for him to get divorced before you carry on.


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## MattMatt

He needs to seek legal advice on how to deal with his wife's lies.

And to change his will regarding his children.


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## StarFires

The first thing is that the situation is very typical when it comes to divorce, the (ex)wife, and a man's kids. It feels unique and overwhelming to you because you're in the middle of it and not aware of how these things often turn out. In the best of circumstances, the new girlfriend or wife is usually still hated by the ex and his kids. As a result, women almost always want that man to choose her over his kids because of some internal sense of special-ness that we manufacture in our heads, but you're not in his skin so you have no idea how he feels about all this. What his children think of him matters a great deal to him, so it's senseless to expect him to deal with the situation and say the things to his kids the way you think he should. It's not as cut and dry as all that. Like I said, this is typical, so you'd have something similar to deal with even if the circumstances of your union were entirely different.

The second thing is she's not lying to their kids. He left her, but they are not divorced, so you and their father are having an affair. Yes, that makes you the other woman. You don't see yourself as you are because you referred to her as "his ex-wife" but she's not his ex. Your imagination that they are not together doesn't make her the ex. Only divorce papers can do that. And besides, I wonder what it was that she discovered from all her spying and following him. It's unimaginable that she suddenly became a suspicious wife after 30-something years of marriage. Whatever he had been doing that she discovered on top of entering into a relationship with you while still married to her - all this stuff is messing with his head. Even if she found nothing, he knows full well that, in the very least, he feels some measure of guilt because of his relationship with you. He knows she is not totally lying about him. She might not have all the facts straight, but there is a lot of truth to it. And so, you ARE his mistress. His kids are not mistaken.

The third thing is you are just his rebound, and he is your rebound. You're both trying to cling onto something that isn't real because you give each other a temporary sense of validation, purpose, and stability during this emotional and unstable time in your lives. In other words, you are both very convenient, which makes you seem ideal to each other, but neither of you are. You should both be taking the time to deal with your own ****e before either of you can really have anything to offer to another person. Because all the flack seems to be flowing from the direction of his side of the relationship, you probably don't feel you have anything in your life you need to straighten out, but have you asked yourself why you are seeing a married man? Have you asked yourself why your definition of "ex-wife" entirely circumvents the necessity of a divorce? Have you asked yourself why you hooked up with him and made plans for the future together while completely ignoring the truth? Have you forced yourself to reflect on what the truth actually is?


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## TheDudeLebowski

You two may be meant for each other... In another life, in another time and place. This isn't that time or place. Cut bait. Move on with your life and out of his. Only a masochist would stick around in that relationship.


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## zookeeper

There's a lot to comment on here, but I'll limit myself to the following:

You have a mere 7 months invested in a fundamentally flawed relationship. End it now before you put more time and energy in. This whole situation is an extremely poor foundation on which to build any kind of lasting relationship.

Also, you should be honest with yourself about your role in the dissolution of his marriage. Whether or not his marriage was destined to end without your influence will never be known. You provided support, encouragement, emotional intimacy and a diversion of energy that could/should have gone into fixing the marriage. Do you see some sort of distinction in your role because you did not have sex with him at that time? That's just rationalization. Countless passionate affairs have occurred without a single button being undone. 

Give it some thought. You can't change what has been done, but you can start fresh in a new relationship without all this unhealthy baggage. Best not to rush into anything, of course.


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## EleGirl

@gretagable, the OP seems to have left this thread days ago.


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## MaiChi

After working for a marriage counselling service for some time, i sat down with my husband and asked him to agree that if we ever divorced (which we had no plans to and still have none) we should not step our children till they are at least 21. Now your man's children are past that and it seems they are still affected by their parents behaviour. 

It must be hard to let go of your parents to another third person. I think you should ease off from the relationship for a while. Let him sort his family out and be properly free.


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## frusdil

I agree with the comments saying that this is a lot of drama to deal with, for a still new relationship. 

An EA is just as damaging to a marriage as a PA, you are both kidding yourselves if neither of you see that this "friendship" contributed to the ending of both your marriages.

I cringe though, every time someone refers to his "children". They are not children, the eldest is 32 ffs. The youngest 24. Unless they are going to give up their independent lives and move in with the OP's partner, they really don't have any business commenting on his relationship.


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## Adelais

gretagable said:


> I'm in a 7 month relationship with *a man I have been friends with for years. He and I worked together, and were supportive of each other during the (unrelated) ends of our respective marriages.*


It sounds like the two of you were in an emotional affair (EA) while still married. His adult children have every right to dislike you for contributing to the ending of their parents' marriage. Neither of you should have been talking about your marriages to each other. You both should have been talking with people of the same sex, or a counselor.

JMO


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## Spicy

If he is still married you _are_ his mistress. 

Also, his very adult kids are probably thrilled by the seemingly large age difference between their dad and his mistress, as this other post of yours would seem to imply.



gretagable said:


> Regarding our marriage issues, I all but left him last fall...retained a lawyer and everything. The only reason we are still married is because we have *two young children *and I wanted to make sure I did everything I could to salvage it before ending it.


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## EleGirl

I'm closing this thread since the OP has not been here for some time. If she wants the thread re-opened, she can PM a mod.


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