# Dry period



## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years with 2 kids. For the most part we get along and respect each other. Few years ago I became not interested in sex. Not sure of the reason now and how it all started but I am sure it was a lot of factors . 3 months ago I discovered that my husband is having sex with paid professionals. I understand that what has been happening in our marriage is very wrong but I feel the solution he opted for is just as wrong. I do not know what to do now that I have discovered this? I know that we need to address the lack of intimacy in our marriage but I feel extremely hurt by his actions especially since we are really good friends


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have a few questions.

How old are you and your husband?

Do you know why you became not interested in sex?

Does this mean that you have not had sex for 2 years? Or does it meant that you are just not enthusiastic about the sex that you do have?

What have you done in that time to try to get your libido back?

Around the time when you lost your libido, about how many hours a week were you and your husband spending together, doing things that you enjoy.. just the two of you?


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

54 and husband 60
Not had sex at all for 2 years
Spent a lot time together at least 4 hours a day
Did not really do anything to improve libido.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What do you want to do? Divorce or Reconcile?


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

I guess this is the tough question that I need to answer. Should I try to work on this marriage or did what just happened to us irreversible


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

It did not "just happen". What were the previous 5 years or so like before the 2 of zero sex?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are not the only one who has experienced pain. What your husband did was monumentally wrong but your actions were wrong as well. Your loss of desire had a reason and not finding that reason and correcting it has at least contributed to this situation if not caused it. Again, your H was totally wrong, I do not justify cheating because there is no excuse but there can be reasons. So, the question what do you want now? Our advice will be based on whether you want to R or D. In this instance, I believe that your H purposely avoided an emotional connection by going to "professionals". He had a problem and he went, albeit errantly, to where those problems can be solved without the complication of emotion. At least there is that. I wish you good fortune.


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

The five years leading to the drought were very unoccasional sex. I want to say that i want to reconcile. The marriage for the most part has been good and I still have a teenager at home. My husband is taking the position that he did nothing wrong and that he is entitled to have sex with other women if I am not there for him. I have completely admitted to him that I was wrong but can we really move forward if he does not see anything wrong with his actions?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Are you prepared to reclaim your position as his one sexual partner and all that that means? He's already shown you that celibacy is not an option.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yanar rasb said:


> The five years leading to the drought were very unoccasional sex. I want to say that i want to reconcile. The marriage for the most part has been good and I still have a teenager at home. My husband is taking the position that he did nothing wrong and that he is entitled to have sex with other women if I am not there for him. I have completely admitted to him that I was wrong but can we really move forward if he does not see anything wrong with his actions?


So "very unoccasional" is hardly any? I'm just asking because that is an interesting phrase, kind of a double negative. 

Assuming I am interpreting it correctly. I do not think your husbands position is unreasonable. He committed to monogamy not celibacy. It would have been much better to have this conversation before he solved his problem in this manner but he didn't. So what do you want to do now? 

It would be reasonable to reconcile and expect him to stop what he is doing if you are able to revive some reasonable level of sexual contact. A reasonable level would be a compromise which is probably way more than you want and a lot less than he wants. 

It might be reasonable to agree that he will stop the outside contact and you will engage in some program of regular physical intimacy with him the does not include penetration if that is your post menopausal problem. 

It would be reasonable to reconcile and agree that you will continue to not have a sex life and he will get his needs met elsewhere. 

It would be reasonable to divorce.

IMHO is is totally unreasonable for you to expect total faithfulness with no physical intimacy. 

And a finally for what it is worth, it is totally possible for him to love you and get laid on a semi regular basis elsewhere without that being much of an emotional connection. That may seem unbelievable to you but it can be true.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Did you refuse to have sex with him during those years leading up to no sex and during the no sex period, or did you acquiesce to sex but unenthusiastically?
this is very important.

what was your and your husbands approach to each other regarding sex during these dry years.
if you submitted to sex, but without enthusiasm, then it's 80% on him.
if on the other hand, you refused sex, then it's more of an equal blame.

depending on the answer, perhaps you were both in the wrong.

however, without knowing more, i would say he was definitely MORE in the wrong.
he did it behind your back. That is the weasels way. the cowards way.

in either case, you and your husband need a serious reckoning.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

What he said to you about his cheating is wrong but he's angry and wants to justify what he did. It's hard to admit that the choices you made were wrong, especially when they are really wrong. I think he is well aware that it wasn't right. What you did was completely wrong too. Part of marriage is sex and if you fail to participate you are not fulfilling part of your marriage responsibilities. 2 years with absolutely no sex, and minimal sex for years before that? Did you reject him every time just because you weren't interested? That's a lot of rejection for a spouse to handle. It's different if you actively felt pain or he isn't satisfied unless it's passionate sex, but even in those circumstances you should've worked on the problem, not ignored it. Why did you think it was ok that you weren't interested in sex and that he is supposed to just accept that? Why didn't you think you needed to address this problem years ago? Did he keep trying to initiate? Did he tell you over and over how it's a problem for him?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

many people will differ on their views regarding getting sex from someone else when the spouse refuses sex.

my opinion is two wrongs don't make a right.

their is NO excuse to go elsewhere even if the denying spouse refuses sex.

you remain faithful to your vows, even when the other isn't.

you always have the choice to separate if one spouse is completely obstinate.


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

Do you really think that it is possible to keep the marriage working if he gets laid by a professional? Is it possible that it will have no impact on our relationship? I know that I should be open to accepting that arrangement but I am not able to. I feel that is is wrong on so many different levels. My question is can we move forward if H does not see the wrong in this?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yanar rasb said:


> Do you really think that it is possible to keep the marriage working if he gets laid by a professional? Is it possible that it will have no impact on our relationship? I know that I should be open to accepting that arrangement but I am not able to. I feel that is is wrong on so many different levels. My question is can we move forward if H does not see the wrong in this?


I do not know your husband. It is possible, can't say if it is possible for him. See the difference? 

If you are not able to accept it, which is understandable BTW, then it isn't going to work. So work down the other choices. What are you willing to do, if nothing then you have your answer. If something then talk it out and see what he can live with...


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
He is justifying his behavior perhaps because of his guilt or perhaps because of his desire to inflict the sense of rejection and lack of caring he senses from you onto you. I do not know. If he truly dose not see what he did as wrong then he has significant problems with basic values. He made a solemn vow and broke it and to not consider that wrong is seriously amiss. Let's assume that he feels within his rights to have sex outside of the marriage due to the absence of it within, that does not negate his oath. This is akin to suggesting that stealing when one is hungry is completely justifiable. Taking something that belongs to another is an age old established offense and universally recognized as wrong. Justifying it with circumstances does not change that but it may ease the conscience of the perpetrator.

In regards to him having been with "professionals", I do not understand what your angst is, I mean as opposed to sleeping with non professionals. If you are assuming that there experience makes them highly adept at the act of intercourse I can assure that what is experienced between two individuals who truly care for one another cannot compare to one with sexual proficiency alone. Additionally, there is available information on ways to increase your own proficiency so I would not let that be a concern, if it is. As to its effects on your marriage, yes it has made an indelible mark on it but if you truly desire R then that mark can be worked on and reduced to the point that it does not ruin the garment. However, both of you must be committed to making it work 100%. Anything less and you may as well D and move on.

So, you need to have a discussion with him wherein it is clearly understood by both that A, the marriage is worth saving and B, you both will commit 100% to it. For you that means finding out why you lost your desire for intimacy, among other things and for him it means owning and accepting his horrific acts for what they are and showing true remorse, again among other things. If this is possible then R is possible if not, then R is not possible. I wish you success in whatever path you choose.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yanar, is it your intention to revive your sex life if you reconcile? If your intent is to keep not having sex with your husband, but still expect him to remain faithful, then no--I don't believe you will be able to make the marriage work.

If you choose to reconcile (and if your husband does as well, because he has just as much reason to want to leave), you need to get into marriage counseling. He also needs to go get tested for STD's.

You need to do whatever it takes to open up intimacy again, and he needs to help you do that by showing you that he's faithful.

This is a minefield of resentment, and it's going to be extraordinarily difficult to make it work.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yanar rasb said:


> Do you really think that it is possible to keep the marriage working if he gets laid by a professional? Is it possible that it will have no impact on our relationship? I know that I should be open to accepting that arrangement but I am not able to. I feel that is is wrong on so many different levels. My question is can we move forward if H does not see the wrong in this?


What your husband did is beyond wrong.

No, you cannot reconcile at all until he recognizes how wrong it was to visit hookers.

Can you talk about the conversations you and your husband had, over the last two years, about sex and the lack of sex? 
Did he bring it up or did you? 
Did he ask about why you didn't want sex? 



I find it interesting how a cheating spouse if it's a woman is completely and totally blamed for the cheating and her husband is completely and totally free of blame. But when a man cheats and there has been a lack of sex, his wife shares the blame.

Oh sure, no double standard here.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

AP--who's letting the husband off the hook here? Pretty much every post I've seen has said that tomcatting with hookers is the wrong thing to do.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> AP--who's letting the husband off the hook here? Pretty much every post I've seen has said that tomcatting with hookers is the wrong thing to do.


Exactly. But refusing to have sex with your spouse (obviously if it is not physically impossible to do so) is just as wrong, as far as I'm concerned.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

OP- would you just as upset with him if he masturbated? What he did is wrong, but he chose to go to prostitutes rather then get involved with someone emotionally. Ether way it looks like you are both at fault. I would say try to reconcile but as someone already said here, if you do not expect to have sex with your H then it will not work. Obviously, your H needs include having sex with his wife. If wife is capable but not willing to accommodate, or at least show some effort, then it is not reasonable to expect H to keep his promise. I would say try to go to doctor and check your hormone levels. It could be the reason why you lost interest in sex.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I find it interesting how a cheating spouse if it's a woman is completely and totally blamed for the cheating and her husband is completely and totally free of blame. But when a man cheats and there has been a lack of sex, his wife shares the blame.
> 
> Oh sure, no double standard here.





> *It would have been much better to have this conversation before he solved his problem in this manner but he didn't.*


Would it have been better if I ranted about what a ********* he was for a couple paragraphs? There is plenty of that from other posters. He was wrong, where to go from here...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> What your husband did is beyond wrong.
> 
> No, you cannot reconcile at all until he recognizes how wrong it was to visit hookers.
> 
> ...


To hell with the past TWO years, how about the last SEVEN years? The questions are great, just back it up to the point where he potentially was still trying and hadn't given up.


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

Thank you all for sharing. On the one hand I know what I did was wrong. I became disinterested in sex and I did not stop to think how bad that must have made my H. However during these years my H would occasionally joke about the lack of sex and causally ask me if I am having sex with someone else. I would laugh and say of course not. He was never forceful in asking and really approach the lack of sex with humor. Now that I think about it he never showed me his frustration and I never thought about it either. Now that I found out what he has been up for the last 3 months he tells me that he acted that way because of my lack of interest in him and he felt rejected . Which of course makes sense. Since I discovered what he has been up to we talked about this and I promised that I will work on igniting my physical attraction to him. I mentioned that if would lose few pounds that might help the situation. I am extremely fit and work very hard on my physical appearance and he does not . He said he will diet and get back to the gym. In the meantime I asked that he will not engage in any sexual encounters with the (paid professionals ) as he calls it. Of course he did stop. I am very hurt now because I feel that after we talked about he should give us a chance to work things out . He position is he cannot wai for ever and it can take me another 2 years.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yanar rasb said:


> The five years leading to the drought were very unoccasional sex. I want to say that i want to reconcile. The marriage for the most part has been good and I still have a teenager at home. My husband is taking the position that he did nothing wrong and that he is entitled to have sex with other women if I am not there for him. I have completely admitted to him that I was wrong but can we really move forward if he does not see anything wrong with his actions?



Not "anything wrong" but "contributory negligence"...

Both of you messed up. Call it a round 50/50 and be done with it...


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

The distribution of blame is not too important.

The jist is clear, if you wish to reconcile you have to acknowledge that he felt physically and emotionally abandoned. Equally, he has to acknowledge he was in the wrong. 

There is also the issue about whether he avoided confrontation on this issue. If he seemed happy to accept the problem and then cheated, it is more serious and is another issue to work on. That he did not work on his physical appearance also suggests he was complicit in letting it slide.

It actually sounds like you have both started to tackle the issue issue rather well.

On a note of personal experience, although I did not use prostitute (or amateurs), I found the thought that both were actually available reassuring during my sexless spell. When your wide will not have sex with you, the thought that there are attractive young women who will have sex with you for money or fun can make them seem like angels. It is a dangerous thought, but can happen.


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

I am going to jump on the "Two wrongs do not make a right" bandwagon here.

First of all, your husband is a cheater.
It does not matter what his stated motivations were, whether or not he was legitimately suffering emotional abandonment from a lack of intimacy, etc etc. The deception, lying, and actual cheating all need to be addressed and dealt with up front.

Second of all, your husband has a legitimate beef with you.
It sounds like there has been a general lack of intimacy for the better part of a decade here. Letting your sex life disappear is also a broken vow as far as I am concerned. That also needs to be addressed.

He likely feels (if I am getting this right) that his cheating was just; basically, he was denied sexual intimacy so he found it outside of the marriage in a manner that would avoid emotional attachment.

If you want to reconcile then he needs to stop the cheating, demonstrate remorse for his actions, and commit to working on the relationship.

You need to figure out if you can get your libido back and are ready to be your husband's sexual partner again.

And if in the end your time tables do not match up…well, this is a serious issue and a legitimate reason to divorce.

Good luck.


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

I agree I think that when he discovered that he can buy beautiful young women the swore to really get back in shape is not huge. Sad to think that men can find it satisfying and acceptable to have sex with a paid professional . Even though that he insists that he did this because he did not want to get emotionally involved with another women there is a part of me that believes that satisfaction of having a sex slave if even for few hours was attractive to him


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Yanar rasb said:


> I agree I think that when he discovered that he can buy beautiful young women the swore to really get back in shape is not huge. *Sad to think that men can find it satisfying and acceptable to have sex with a paid professional*. Even though that he insists that he did this because he did not want to get emotionally involved with another women there is a part of me that believes that satisfaction of having a sex slave if even for few hours was attractive to him


Nonsense. It was the best he could get. Even when, as I stated in my previous post, prostitutes seemed like angels, I only wanted sex with my wife. I can understand you are angry at him, it would be odd if you were not, but having sex with a man is not equivalent to slavery and there are women who have sex voluntarily. 

I will also say that it is very brave to come on here. People have been through tough times here and it is reflected in the manner of posts on this board. It is easy to assume everything is going fine and it should have been made clear to you that it was not.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds to me like he's basically said put up or shut up. He doesn't really believe you'll change.


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## Yanar rasb (Jul 10, 2015)

Trying to find a marriage counselor in the DC metro area with somehow reasonable rates does anyone out there recommend someone?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Just wanted to hit this conversation...




Fozzy said:


> AP--who's letting the husband off the hook here? Pretty much every post I've seen has said that tomcatting with hookers is the wrong thing to do.


By erecting two hooks...




john117 said:


> Not "anything wrong" but "contributory negligence"...
> 
> Both of you messed up. Call it a round 50/50 and be done with it...


The blame for husbands' infidelity is shared. Since the whole of the blame cannot be laid at the husbands feet, his burden of blame has been lessened.

Frankly I find John's 50/50 number completely outrageous!

FTR, allow me to be clearly understood. This wife does share a small portion of the blame, as does almost every BH or BW. With the exception of extreme cases, and there have been a few here at TAM, IMO, most betrayed spouses share at least a small portion of blame and culpability for participating in allowing the relationship to erode to such an extent. 

But this is not the accepted "policy" here at TAM, particularly in the case of the "wronged husband." This sainted martyr never is held accountable for the unhappiness of his wife, for her drifting away from the center, for her head being turned by another. No, the sainted and martyred betrayed husband finds a safe harbor in CWI where he can endlessly lick his wounds and band together with other sainted martyrs all the while turning their backs on the mirror and attacking those who suggest they brave a look.




Yanar rasb said:


> My husband and I have been married for 22 years with 2 kids. For the most part we get along and respect each other. Few years ago I *became not interested in sex. Not sure of the reason now and how it all started but I am sure it was a lot of factors .* 3 months ago I discovered that my husband is having sex with paid professionals. I understand that what has been happening in our marriage is very wrong but I feel the solution he opted for is just as wrong. I do not know what to do now that I have discovered this? I know that we need to address the lack of intimacy in our marriage but I feel extremely hurt by his actions especially since we are really good friends


In the opening post, this wife accepted the mirror and found where she had contributed to her husband's unhappiness. None of you needed to point out, once again, that she contributed. And yet almost every single one of you did exactly that.

Why?



Yanar rasb said:


> Trying to find a marriage counselor in the DC metro area with somehow reasonable rates does anyone out there recommend someone?


My dear Yanar, if you come back I suggest you call your insurance company and check for mental health benefits. Many companies offer EAP sessions. These are Employee Assistance Program sessions that are free. They will offer you a list of mental health professionals in your area and you will get up to 6 free counseling sessions, depending on the program from the company you or your H work for that provides the insurance coverage.

You can request MLCSW (Master's Level Clinical Social Worker) or PhD (doctorate level psychologist) your area DC should have plenty of both. You should tell the insurance company you want someone who specializes in marriage counseling and infidelity healing. 

Next, call these professionals and ask them a few questions about office hours and availability for evening or weekend openings.

Then ask them what they typically counsel their clients with regard to infidelity. Give them a plus if what they answer makes sense to you, a 0 if you are conflicted about how they answer and a minus if you have a negative feeling about their answer.

The trick to good therapeutic results is that you need to feel safe, you need to be truthful, but you also need to be challenged to rethink and to adopt new thoughts when ready.

A final note to you Yanar. Your marriage needs a great deal of work and this kind of work is not for sissies!

1. You need to understand where your sex drive went and why it wasn't important to you to find out before all this happened. Why was your sexuality so unimportant to YOU?

2. Your husband needs to grow a damn pair of balls! Why didn't he discuss the lack of sex with you? Why was he such a passive aggressive pvssy about his sex life?

3. Why did neither of you OWN your sexuality enough to place a value on its strength?

4. What do you both individually and as a couple need to do and learn so that you can rebuild your trust in each other once again? You did not trust him with your failing attraction and he did not trust you with his hurt at being rejected. Why?

Good luck!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Small part of the blame for going sexless for how long?

What part of "to love and to hold" did I miss?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

john117 said:


> Small part of the blame for going sexless for how long?
> 
> What part of "to love and to hold" did I miss?


I hold this husband accountable for leaving his wife with the impression that the sexlessness was not a danger to their marriage vows. Just as I hold you, my dear John, accountable for not making it clear to your wife that the sexlessness in your marriage has effectively ended it and you are only sticking around for her paycheck.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Oh goody, AP is back :smile2:



> 4. What do you both individually and as a couple need to do and learn so that you can rebuild your trust in each other once again? *You did not trust him with your failing attraction* and he did not trust you with his hurt at being rejected. Why?


I liked all 4 of your questions. This one puzzles me slightly, if the drive goes to zero is failing attraction the reason? I think possibly not. I've never had no sex drive so I can't say what the answer is.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

john117 said:


> Small part of the blame for going sexless for how long?
> 
> What part of "to love and to hold" did I miss?


Come on John, it is generally the husbands fault!! Only somewhat tongue in cheek...


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Dry period??? That's a hot one. Years without sex is not a dry period. It's abuse. I find the gender bias amazing in this thread. Countless unsatisfied husbands are admonished to not nag or beg the least morsel of attention; but because the wayward husband in this tale didn't bite his wife's head off, he is more to blame.

Going outside the marriage for sex is wrong: period. I personally think physical encounter with an escort are a rung better than an amorous affair; but, to each there own.

In the end it isn't about who is more to blame,. It's about what the OP and her wayward husband are willing to accept. It doesn't sound like the hubby is too convinced that OP can change so it may be out of her hands.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

In a case like this, should the OP expose the use of prostitutes to family, friends, and any faith-based leaders for support?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Oh goody, AP is back :smile2:
> 
> 
> 
> I liked all 4 of your questions. This one puzzles me slightly, if the drive goes to zero is failing attraction the reason? I think possibly not. I've never had no sex drive so I can't say what the answer is.


With women not:
1. Going through menopause
2. Recently birthed a child.
3. On medication that inhibits sex drive

Lack of sex drive when it was recently there have lost attraction to their husband because:
1. He sucks as a lover.
2. He has been ignoring her or taking her for granted and she has had it!
3. He tipped the scales from "acceptable to unacceptable" in his physical appearance.

I intentionally put physical appearance last because with most married women her husband could be Brad Pitt but be a self centered, lazy, neglectful ass and she would stop being attracted to him.

Since this OP said she just stopped wanting sex it is safe to assume that at some point recently prior to stopped wanting sex she did want sex. Since this OP was very upset that her H was unfaithful, instead of simply leaving him and not bothering with TAM it is safe to assume she still loves him and only him.

I therefore concluded that her sex drive is not going to come back any time soon until she once again it attracted to him enough to want to want to have sex with him and therefore seek medical answers to the lack of sex drive.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lila said:


> In a case like this, should the OP expose the use of prostitutes to family, friends, and any faith-based leaders for support?


> you're so bad!


Two wrongs do not make a right. Humiliating your spouse is a good way to end the marriage.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> > you're so bad!
> 
> 
> Two wrongs do not make a right. Humiliating your spouse is a good way to end the marriage.


Yeah, I know but I just couldn't help myself. :wink2: >


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Lila said:


> In a case like this, should the OP expose the use of prostitutes to family, friends, and any faith-based leaders for support?


Well, if she wants to exposed her H to family and friends, then she should also share the reason why her H choose this route. It is not like she was willing and ready to addressed his needs, but he refused it, and choose prostitutes instead. I believe they are both in some ways in blame equally.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lila said:


> Yeah, I know but I just couldn't help myself. :wink2: >


Gosh that never happens to me. I am the very model of restraint and decorum!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

life_huppens said:


> Well, if she wants to exposed her H to family and friends, then she should also share the reason why her H choose this route. It is not like she was willing and ready to addressed his needs, but he refused it, and choose prostitutes instead. I believe they are both in some ways in blame equally.


To me the main problem here (now, moving forward, not commenting on or excusing either of their past behavior) is that she seems to want him to change his behavior (reasonable) without changing her own behavior (a non-starter). 

Welcome back AP. Seriously. :x


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

life_huppens said:


> Well, if she wants to exposed her H to family and friends, then she should also share the reason why her H choose this route. *It is not like she was willing and ready to addressed his needs, but he refused it, and choose prostitutes instead. I believe they are both in some ways in blame equally.*


That's true but I really wish the advice above was applied fairly between sexes here on TAM. 

There have been threads here recently where no matter how much the WH admitted what a jacka$$ he'd been in the marriage, the general consensus was for the BH to stop taking the blame for his behavior prior to the affair and that the WW should have communicated her displeasure clearly before cheating. It seems like the only responses were "Burn the Witch". 

Here's an example of that.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...277794-my-wife-thinks-she-love-co-worker.html


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

I do not participate in those threads. Lack of participation does not = agreement with "burn the witch" sentiments


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

So, lemme get this straight. 

I've heard of wives who know they should but don't have an interest, yet will have a glass of wine or two and then enjoy a good time. 

They aren't menopausal, haven't come off medication, and it's been a few years since child birth. 

So the wine hides the husbands shortcomings? In all cases? No personal experience here either, 2 beers puts me to sleep and my wife hasn't had a drink in the 20 years I've known her. 



Anon Pink said:


> With women not:
> 1. Going through menopause
> 2. Recently birthed a child.
> 3. On medication that inhibits sex drive
> ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We will agree to disagree Anon... I haven't seen any worthwhile physically AND intellectually mortal woman that I'm interested in, otherwise with the (pitiful) state of my marriage I would have the moral qualms of an alley cat regarding my marital vows. That is, none. 

I see marriage as a business arrangement. Not contractually bound in a legal sense but still under an ethical and moral rule to follow the golden rule. Do upon to others as you would want them.... 

If my role and my wife's role were reversed intimacy wise I would have no issue with her cheating on me.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> To me the main problem here (now, moving forward, not commenting on or excusing either of their past behavior) is that she seems to want him to change his behavior (reasonable) without changing her own behavior (a non-starter).
> 
> Welcome back AP. Seriously. :x



I don't know how you come to that conclusion WOM. You may have a point because she doesn't come out and admit that she needs to get her groove back, but she does seek MC. Also remember, he stepped out in her with hookers and that means he has LOST almost all, though not all, of his credibility for feeling rejected.

Cause if sex was all he wanted from her he sure solved that problem didn't he? But if he wanted to feel loved through sex with her...then he totally shot himself in the foot because now he comes off as just needing to get his rocks off and she is supposed to be the available hole. 

.... Soooo not attractive.




anonmd said:


> So, lemme get this straight.
> 
> I've heard of wives who know they should but don't have an interest, yet will have a glass of wine or two and then enjoy a good time.
> 
> ...


The wine hides HER disinterest. Might be his shortcomings or it might just be that sex has become routine and the wine helps her close her eyes and think of ... Daniel Craig? The wine might mask her own disappointment with her own life. 

It's not until she reaches the breaking point or her husband forces the issue that her lack of interest will be examined closely enough to have ANY chance of making things better.

It's just not true that "women don't want sex." While we do tend to have a more complicated sexual expression than men, most are every bit as sexual as most men.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Ah, a slight crack 

Most is not all. I'm respectfully suggesting that you, as a women with a vibrant (?) sex drive, may have some blind spots in regards to SOME women. Maybe not a lot, but some...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

They're both wrong and this is both of their fault. Before anyone chastises me about being "sexist", look at my posting history and you will see that I think a large portion of infidelity is more of a shared problem that 100% the fault of the cheater. It doesn't matter if the cheater is male or female, but in a fair share of situations on TAM it's a shared problem. IRL, I think the amount of infidelity that can be laid at the feet of both spouses is even higher. The simple answer of "why don't you just divorce if the situation is so bad" is overly simplistic due to children and intertwined finances. At least psychologically, people feel that it's very hard to simply sever a relationship and that finding an unappealing solution is better than no solution at all. 

In this case, the OP did a terrible wrong to her husband. Extremely, extremely wrong to deny intimacy for 2 continuous years and probably little sex at best the previous 2 or more years. The husband is extremely extremely wrong for not communicating and just cheating. He could have been a lot more direct with his issues. If he repeatedly warned his spouse that he cannot abide by the sexlessness, and she did nothing to change it, then IMHO all bets are off after that. 

If you are warned repeatedly and fail to heed the warning...on your head so be it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Ah, a slight crack
> 
> Most is not all. I'm respectfully suggesting that you, as a women with a vibrant (?) sex drive, may have some blind spots in regards to SOME women. Maybe not a lot, but some...


Maybe  

Maybe because I'm a woman of a certain age who has weathered the ups and downs of a sex drive I understand better than some that the libido is not static or anything close to that for women.

As I've said many many times, a woman's sexuality is complicated and there is rarely such an easy answer as low testosterone.


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