# Just discovered 6 y.o. boy is not mine. What now (LONG post, but please help!)



## pb1980 (Jan 14, 2009)

Two months ago, I NEVER would have believed that I would need to solicit advice on such a forum. But, a facebook message from one of my wife’s ex-lovers, which I randomly, inadvertently happened to read, brought my world crashing down around me. My wife and I had been in a committed relationship for two years when the infidelity occurred. I thought everything was fine, and to this day my wife insists that there was nothing I could have done to prevent the cheating. The story is that they had always been friends (they were coworkers at the time), but nothing more. Then one night, as they had done previously, they got together after work with other coworkers for a late-night party (they were restaurant workers, often leaving work at 11:00 or later, and all the workers there were in college or of that age, so such a party was not uncommon.) Both had been drinking quite heavily when the party ended, and just the two of them were left. He started flirting, then kissing her, and she did not refuse his advances. Soon they were in her bed, doing the deed. My wife (then girlfriend) never told me about this until I inadvertently found the facebook message.

Okay, so that was 7 years ago, not really a huge deal now that we’ve been married 5 years and were quite happy. But this is where it gets complicated. We found out she was pregnant that summer. I had never had ANY reason to suspect that the father might be someone other than me, and she never gave me ANY indication that I should worry about that. I was only 21 at the time I found out, but I felt I was quite mature and I definitely wanted to support her and take responsibility for my child. In fact, I had some plans in the back of my mind to propose marriage that summer. At the very least, we both knew that when our college days were over, we would be moving into the next phase of our lives together. So when the baby news came, I was confident that I was ready to commit the rest of my life to this woman and our new family. I was at first a little embarrassed to reveal the news to my friends and family, but by several months into it I was embracing the father role wholeheartedly. I had always known that I wanted children, and had decided somewhere in there that this was the woman with whom I wanted to have those children. 

Now, fast forward back to the facebook message. (Keep in mind I was NOT snooping on her – we share a computer and frequently one of us will stay signed into our various social networking and email accounts, with nothing to hide from the other. I opened the message initially thinking it was my own account that was signed in.) Once I opened the message, the reason it caught my attention was that the guy mentioned that my son “bears no resemblance” to the guy, so he wasn’t worried. Needless to say, I was pretty upset over this. I was a virgin when we started dating at the tender age of 19, and though I knew my wife had previous lovers I had never ever imagined that she had slept with anyone else after we started dating. We were pretty much head over heels from the day we met, and while we had some ups and downs as all couples do, we had discussed it and she had assured me that I was the only one since the day we met.

Anyway, after I read the message I took it pretty hard but we kept our communication open and we were dealing with it, I thought, pretty well. I questioned my wife repeatedly on different topics/angles, but I believed her that it was a one-time occurrence in our relationship. I think she felt like once it was out in the open, it was time to completely come clean on every last detail that I wanted to know about. Further, she assured me that I had nothing to be worried about as far as paternity; she swore up and down that it happened several months too early for him to be the father. Problem is, she was really drunk, and has a bad memory for past events anyway. So, I made a list of questions and asked her to call the other guy. I wanted to make sure it was cleared up so we could move on. During the phone call, he first said that he thought the fling occurred in April or May, (my son was conceived in mid-April), but after my wife said that was a problem and she thought it was cold outside at the time, he backtracked and agreed with her. He also was adamant that they had used a condom. Further, I believed that there was no possible way that my wife could have lied to me if there was even a tiny possibility that another man might have fathered the baby she was carrying back then.

Still, I thought that a paternity test would clear things up and help me move on. I have always lamented the fact that my son really doesn’t look much like me – he does look entirely like his mother, though, so I guess I just chalked it up to him being the spitting image of her. But once the infidelity news gave new doubt to the question, I felt like I would always be wondering and just wanted to get the scientific proof to put my mind at ease. My wife eagerly agreed to the test, as she too was confident that it would put to rest any lingering doubt and allow us to move on with our lives. 

Well, obviously you know where I’m going with this. We got the results back last night, and unless they completely f***ed up the testing, there is ZERO chance that I am the biological father of this boy. Devastated doesn’t begin to describe how I felt after getting that news. She too was shocked, and now pretty much hates herself for being so manipulative and selfish. I try to comfort her in that regard, but I’m really not in the right emotional state to be very comforting. 

Anyway, I now need to assess whether I can really be fully devoted to this family, and if so, how. I also need to mention that we’ve been happily married for 5 years, and have added two more children to our family (both mine, no doubt about it). Even after I found out about the cheating, as we moved on there were MANY moments when I felt so thankful to have her as my wife and life partner. While the issue still stung, I honestly believed that in the long run, after we had dealt with the infidelity, our relationship would benefit from a deeper emotional intimacy and greater appreciation for one another. She has so many redeeming qualities and, though as far from perfect as any other human, she’s as close to “perfect for me” as I would ever hope to find, I think. We really are a perfect fit for each other. But this paternity issue really diminishes my trust in her. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to love her, or she herself, as fully as before. It’s only 24 hours later, but I am really wondering whether we can recover. 

I am committed to doing whatever I can to get through this. I love our family, my wife, the life we’ve built together, and the plans we have for the future. I never was the type to seek counseling, but I know that we’ll both need help to work this out. I'm going to give myself 100% to rebuilding this marriage. I guess maybe I answered my own question in stating how committed I am, but I’d really like to know what others think. Can we get past this? Can I love her as strongly as before? Or will I always resent her a little for the way that her selfish decision took away so many options in my life?

If you’ve read this far, THANK YOU! Any comments will be appreciated. Just getting it all out on paper (cpu screen) has helped, but it would really help even more to feel like I have more allies in this and that others have successfully navigated through the turbulent waters I am dealing with now.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

pb1980 - I know finding this out has completely turned your world upside down. But knowing that it was a long time ago - and you implied that you were getting over that since it was so long ago and you have been happily married for 5 years - why is the fact that this child - whom you were involved with during the pregnancy, there for the birth, there for every important moment in this childs life - why does suddenly knowing that half his chromosomal makeup is not yours suddenly make you question if you want to leave him (not to mention your other 2 children). How do you explain to him and them (now or in the future) this is your reason for leaving? You said that your sure she wouldn't lie - it was just so long ago and "has a bad memory for past events anyway" I'm not sure why this ruined your trust in her when none of the other things seem to do it.

I think you need to give it time to settle in. This is a gut reaction to very shocking news and I understand it is unsettling. But I don't think it is a good reason to walk away from a marriage when you said everything else was going well until this test result came back. I think counseling is in order for you and her.


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## pb1980 (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks for the fast response, TNgirl. You are right, I shouldn't let it affect me this deeply, and it probably is just because it's so fresh that it hurts so much. But I guess to clarify my concerns, I was just 21 when I found out I was going to be a father (or so I thought). Now, I embraced that responsibility because a)I thought it WAS my responsibility, and b) because I knew that I wouldn't be happy knowing that I had fallen short in my duties to this child, so I decided to make the best of it and embrace it. But, I was also very young; I certainly would not have made the choice to give up those years of care-free living and goofing off with my college buddies. But that choice was made for me. While my friends were out drinking beer and having the time of their lives, I was in birthing classes, and making late-night runs for chocolate ice cream and pickles. I don't know, even as I typed that I guess it sounded shallow. It's not to say that I ever resented being in that position with the woman I loved. But again, I feel now like that I was manipulated into being so supportive of her and her son. Basically, if I had known back then that it wasn't my baby, I would not have assumed that responsibility. And now, every major decision I've made in my life since then has been affected by my responsibility for that child. I kind of feel like my whole world as I now know it has been built on a lie.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How do you even wrap your mind around it? You have bought the farm. I don't even know where to start. And I am not a man of few words (ask anybody on this site). So since I don't know where to start, I will give you the finish.

You both obviously love each other completely. And though your wife cannot blame the booze. Because. booze does not make you do anything. It only reduces your inhibitions so that you do that which you already wanted to. She is contrite. She knows she screwed up. She is not blaming anything on you. The fault completely lies with her. If seems that she will be punishing herself for a long time. Every time she looks at you and your son together, she will remember. She is not a serial cheater. She gives you no reason to believe that she has been unfaithful to you in anyway since you have been married. Excellent finish. You would be surprised how long it takes some spouses to get where your wife already is.


Now for you. HE'S YOUR SON. Sperm donation does not make a father/dad. Think of the joy and love he has brought you both. Can you imagine your life without him? Has anything about him changed at all? Nothing. He just doesn't have the same DNA as you. Still your boy. Still wants to make you proud of him. Look at your family portrait on the wall. Is there anyway he could be removed from that? When ever you think of the situation that brought him about. Look at what you have. His conception was not normal. But is there anything you can see in him that is not yours? Reading your post and knowing your love for your wife and family only shines a light on the quality of character, and what kind of man you are. If anyone could forgive the past and look to the future it would be you. One thing I can guarantee you the more you love him, the more your wife will love you. There is another thing your writing tells me. You sound hurt, but you also sound merciful. My last question is. If you met your wife today and she had a newborn son. Could you see yourself marrying her again, and being a father to her son? I think you know the answer to that. Now go and hold your wife, tell her you love her and forgive her (Because forgiveness is a choice) and have a good cry together.


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## tonikessler (Jan 5, 2009)

I would just be concerned that she is on facebook still in contact with the guy


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

pb1980 said:


> Thanks for the fast response, TNgirl. You are right, I shouldn't let it affect me this deeply, and it probably is just because it's so fresh that it hurts so much. But I guess to clarify my concerns, I was just 21 when I found out I was going to be a father (or so I thought). Now, I embraced that responsibility because a)I thought it WAS my responsibility, and b) because I knew that I wouldn't be happy knowing that I had fallen short in my duties to this child, so I decided to make the best of it and embrace it. But, I was also very young; I certainly would not have made the choice to give up those years of care-free living and goofing off with my college buddies. But that choice was made for me. While my friends were out drinking beer and having the time of their lives, I was in birthing classes, and making late-night runs for chocolate ice cream and pickles. I don't know, even as I typed that I guess it sounded shallow. It's not to say that I ever resented being in that position with the woman I loved. But again, I feel now like that I was manipulated into being so supportive of her and her son. Basically, if I had known back then that it wasn't my baby, I would not have assumed that responsibility. And now, every major decision I've made in my life since then has been affected by my responsibility for that child. I kind of feel like my whole world as I now know it has been built on a lie.


Its not shallow - its you thinking of how your life would have been different if this had never happened and is completely understandable. I had my daughter when I was 18 - over the last 10 years I've had thoughts from time to time of what if? But we can't go back and change time and for me anyway I wouldn't want to. All events in my life has brought me where I am now and shaped who I am, and if that hadn't happened it when it did, who knows how my life would of turned out. 

Don't live with what ifs and regrets, they lead to an extremely unhappy life. Live for and enjoy your family, just like you were doing 48 hours ago. I don't think she manipulated you based on what you said in your first post - even though you may be feeling that right now. Your a stronger person for stepping up when needed and not walking away as many people that age do. You were a strong and responsible person then, not because you were manipulated but because its who you are at your core. It is that strength which will see you through this.


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## pb1980 (Jan 14, 2009)

tonikessler said:


> I would just be concerned that she is on facebook still in contact with the guy


 Yes, sorry, I should have addressed that. He contacted her, she thought there was no harm in accepting the friend request. I 100% completely believe she had no ill intent in accepting the friend request. I DO think it was a mistake, but I don't think it was anything other than completely innocent.


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## pb1980 (Jan 14, 2009)

Initfortheduration - thank you so much for the reply. It was really what I needed to hear. It brought a tear to my eye reading it - not that it takes much these days. But I will take your post to heart. It holds much wisdom.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

pb1980 said:


> Basically, if I had known back then that it wasn't my baby, I would not have assumed that responsibility. And now, every major decision I've made in my life since then has been affected by my responsibility for that child. I kind of feel like my whole world as I now know it has been built on a lie.


Yes, and you might not have had reason to stay with what you now say is the perfect wife!

Let the past be the past. Deal with the present, and whatever you do, forgive your wife, and demonstrate that 100% or things will turn sour further down the raod. I know this is hard for you, but it's even harder for her.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

up to two months ago you LOVED this child as it were your own.

Has anything changed with that child?

That child views you as "daddy"

Your wife made a mistake 7 YEARS AGO......and while it is new, she raised that child as YOURS and HERS....and MARRIED YOU...and LOVES YOU!!


anyone can have a baby, but takes a SPECIAL man to be a FATHER or a DADDY.

Be the best father in the world, that is the issue here, this whole one night stand...is the PAST

Love YOUR CHILD he is YOUR CHILD, even in a court of LAW, he is YOUR CHILD.


If I were you, I would sit down with your wife and tell her you understand that this child is YOURS, and sure she made a mistake 7 years ago...

but the last 5 you have raised this child as your own....it is your child.

If the other man wants involvement you need to talk to him and set some ground rules.

But as right now YOU are the father, mentally and legally.

BE THE FATHER! I have an adopted sister and brother.....they are my Brother and sister.

My MOM is their mother and my sister knows her real mother, but we just call her by her first name and include her in social events....by my MOTHER is HER MOTHER.....

it is more then genetics to be a parent.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

well said GAsoccerman ... 
totally agree 
Its not the childs fault continue to love him as you have x


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## pb1980 (Jan 14, 2009)

Thanks everyone for the replies and encouragement. The last 18 hours since I originally posted have allowed the dust to settle some more, and the most important conclusion I've come to is that I am thankful for everything and everyone in my life right now. Everything that has happened to this point was necessary to get me to where I am now, which is a pretty good place. 

I also remembered last night a passage from a book I'd read a while ago. Basically, it says that with just about any event in life, you can look back a year later and see the silver lining. And if that's true, shouldn't it also be true that the silver lining exists as the event is unfolding? In this case, the silver lining for me is that I'm learning a lot about myself, about the strength of my love for my wife, and the depth of my devotion to my family. There will be tough times to follow, I'm sure, before we can fully heal, but I know it will happen and I know that we will be stronger people and have a stronger marriage for having been tested in this way.

Thank you all for your contributions and positive thoughts. This forum has been a great resource for me, and I hope I can contribute in the future and pay it forward.


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## osvaldo1321 (May 3, 2009)

I can speak and understand what you are feeling. I to have been going threw a simular sittuation. I married my wife 23 years ago because she was pregnant and I truly loved her. I did not know she was cheating on me. 22 years later I find out the baby was never mine. Yes, the baby is now 22. It turns out I was dupped. My wife has confessed to me that she was cheating way before we got married and the affairs continued for the following 6 years. Be very careful in trusting to much. Like you I to say that my wife is a great person. She says that out of the 24 years that we have been together; She has been faithful and fully commited to me for the past 17 years. Do the math. I can honestly say that she has been a great woman but I can not remove the betrayel and pain she has done. So this week I have decided to file for divorce even thogh it hurts. Its been a year and a half since this all broke out and I still hurt. Be careful and proceed with caution. I would never allow my wife to mingle with other men on line or with the sperm donor of the baby. Trust but verify! Good Luck


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

The facebook thing may have been innocent, but some boundary review may be in order as well. M fWW and I never communicate with past lovers. It's just safer that way, for both of us.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

...


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Zombie thread!!


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First, let me say that I'm not advocating that you divorce or not. But you have to ask yourself some questions.

If you had known the child wasn't yours back then, that it was conceived while your then girlfriend cheated on you, would you have married her?

Are you convinced that your wife didn't know that there was at least a possibility this wasn't your child?

Can you look that child in the face for the rest of your married life and not be triggered to remember her betrayal?

My humble opinion is that many men couldn't get past this, if the answers to one are more of those questions are "no".

No one should blame you if you can't. And if that's the case, that doesn't mean you can't support and be a good father to this child.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Damn, that was some good advice I gave.

Got to start paying attention to the post dates.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> The facebook thing may have been innocent, but some boundary review may be in order as well. M fWW and I never communicate with past lovers. It's just safer that way, for both of us.


This is a zombie thread that I think got bumped due to its similarity to another recent post. Keep in mind this was from early 2009, referencing events from 2008. Facebook was still in its infancy then. Most people saw it as a novelty to connect with old friend, see how they aged, etc. So I do believe it was innocent on the wife's part to connect with the guy at that point.

It's been 5 years... I wonder how it worked out for this family?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

TNgirl232 said:


> pb1980 - I know finding this out has completely turned your world upside down. But knowing that it was a long time ago - and you implied that you were getting over that since it was so long ago and you have been happily married for 5 years - why is the fact that this child - whom you were involved with during the pregnancy, there for the birth, there for every important moment in this childs life - why does suddenly knowing that half his chromosomal makeup is not yours suddenly make you question if you want to leave him (not to mention your other 2 children). How do you explain to him and them (now or in the future) this is your reason for leaving? You said that your sure she wouldn't lie - it was just so long ago and "has a bad memory for past events anyway" I'm not sure why this ruined your trust in her when none of the other things seem to do it.
> 
> I think you need to give it time to settle in. This is a gut reaction to very shocking news and I understand it is unsettling. But I don't think it is a good reason to walk away from a marriage when you said everything else was going well until this test result came back. I think counseling is in order for you and her.


:iagree:
It's not like your wife knew the child wasn't yours and hid it from you. And you are the only father he knows, you said you have a good marriage. You guys can make it through this, some counseling would probably be needed to sort through all of the feelings both of you guys will have in the months to come, but you guys will be fine.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Badmemory- I'm sure OP would appreciate it, wherever he is 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

not that it matters now since this is a zombie but how was he so sure the other kids were his.
I would question everything after that.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Agreed. Would have tested all of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

pb1980 said:


> I kind of feel like my whole world has been built on a lie.


I wouldn't look at it like that, question did your wife know the child wasn't yours from the jump. If the answer to that question is no the your life hasn't been built on a lie. If she knew then that would be a different story.

It doesn't seem as if she was aware of the fact or even thought about him being the father being possible. There wasn't a doubt in her mind that he was your child.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Night of the living thread...


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