# Looking for hope



## candl (Oct 1, 2013)

In 6 months my husband and I will have our 10th anniversary. I have recently realized I have been in a verbally, sometimes physically, abusive marriage. There have been events in my life that have led to this realization, and with those events came a new found self esteem for me. Our marriage has never been great, and now I realize why(the abuse). 

I have completely fallen out of love with him. In the last year or so he has tried to change his ways, and he has to some degree,(not *so* abusive, doesn't belittle everything I do, doesn't punch holes in the walls anymore, controls his temper a little better), but I just feel its too late. I already know the man he was, what he is capable of, and he is still one of the most selfish and self centered people I know. He says he has changed only because I have asked, he says he has done everything I've asked, but I realize you can't change someone's whole identity. And honestly, I feel guilty for even wanting him to change more. He is who he is. If I can't love him for that, he deserves someone who can, right?

For the first part of our marriage, I was the one begging for sex(he would do porn, withhold for power, masturbate, ect). Now that I have no interest, he sees this as the biggest issue in our marriage. He now "thinks masturbation is wrong" even though in the past I've begged him to stop and given him all the sex he would want, yet he still did it. One year I told him as a gift, I would sleep with him every night for a month. The second night in, he rejected me. This is the pattern, if I wanted sex, he didn't. Its very frustrating because he says he never rejected me. But, I clearly remember texting my sister several times about how frustrated I was, and how rejected I felt. But I realized that is something abusers do, "forget or deny". Now I can't really stand to sleep with him. Once or twice a month I do it just so he doesn't get angry with me. He is fine with me just laying there. I end up feeling very used and dirty, so it takes a while before I can stomach sex again. I read somewhere that an abused person can't feel attracted to their abuser. I know that's obviously not the case for everyone, but maybe that's my problem.

Has anyone here gone through anything similar and was able to regain attraction and love for their partner? We have 4 children, so I've always been hesitant to think about divorce. Although, I admit, my oldest 2 hate their father, and have begged me to leave him due to his nasty, derogatory verbal habits. People have told me divorce ruins a child's life, but is that true for all cases? What about abuse? On the other hand, is this abuse really bad enough to leave? What if he is changing? He says I can't get passed the past because I can't forgive him, but I tell him its more like, "once bitten, twice shy". Is there any hope for this marriage? I have none.


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## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

candl said:


> People have told me divorce ruins a child's life, but is that true for all cases? What about abuse? On the other hand, is this abuse really bad enough to leave? What if he is changing? He says I can't get passed the past because I can't forgive him, but I tell him its more like, "once bitten, twice shy". Is there any hope for this marriage? I have none.


Sorry for what you are going through. You titled this "looking for hope" and asked if there is any. Only you know if he can really turn things completely around and be the husband and father he should be. You seem to have answered that question and are really asking if you should stay for the kids even if there is no hope of him changing completely.

I normally think that staying together for the kids is a worthy thing to do if it can be done right. But I don't think that's true if the parents cant get along . It's most definitely not true if there is abuse going on. You only talk about his abuse of you but surely, if anger is his issues, the kids face the brunt of that sometimes too, right? No divorce could ever do more damage to a kid than a parent's mental abuse. 

As far as him changing, It seems as if you are the kind of person who could forgive him if he truly changed. But "change" in an abusive situation can't be measured in the same way as other character flaws or incompatibilities. It's not like his problem was that he was inattentive or unappreciative. You can be happy and raise mentally healthy kids if your husband tries really hard but occasionally lapses into periods where he doesn't pay enough attention to you and the kids. But if he belittles you and gets violent, it doesn't matter that he's stopped doing it every day and now its just occasionally, the effect and long term damage is the same, maybe worse. He can't expect credit for being less abusive than he was if he is still abusive.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

C, 
sorry to hear you are going through this, I went through this abuse issue also. Except I was co dependent so I tried everything to make it work, but still the abuse was there because I wasn't assertive in the right ways.

Have you gone to any kind of counseling at the Women's Centers that offer it in your area. It might be a good idea to do that, because it seems that you are holding a lot of resentment towards your husband and no wonder you feel the way you do.

I hope the kids are not seeing to much of this because it does affect them, mine are all grown up now but they do remember things as much as I tried to shield them from it, something to think about. 

The main concern here is your safety, are you having to walk on egg shells so that he doesn't become abusive? So are you compromising yourself and your goals and dreams wants and desires?

I would say start with the counseling if you can it will open your eyes a lot to make more informed decisions. 

I would try to keep the status quo with your husband right now though.


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## thompkevin (Jul 17, 2013)

Divorce can also sometimes save a child's life. It's better to have divorced parents than abusive parents.


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