# Ladies Questions for you to answer



## Simplysharib (Mar 26, 2011)

Dear Ladies or should I say dear ladies only as I want only women to answer this question. 

I am asking these questions to you all as I quite obviously cannot ask this questions to the ladies who have forced me to ask these questions. All my life I have been in company of some really beautiful, educated, smart and intelligent women who have made some really strange choices.

My first example is my own mother she is PhD in economics and when she married my dad she was already an assistant professor in reputed University. My father a businessman who is generally short tempered, very aggressive and can be at times be verbally abusive (but I must tell he is a very loving father). My mother left her job to raise all three of us (me and my two elder sisters) only to be housewife to my father who at best is tough man to live with and despite all the pressure has been married to him since 1970(41 years and counting). Once she was complaining to me about a heated argument she had with dad I asked her why she never left him, she smiled but never responded. 

My second example is my elder sister who is 12 years older then me and is a Clinical Psychologist. She had a wonderful practice but moved to South Africa with her husband so that he could grow in his carrier (She is married to a guy for last 16 years who has grown in Corporate Ladders of Oil and Natural Gas industry and now heads African Operation for one of the biggest oil majors in the world.) and because her qualification is not recognized there she is reduced to a house wife for the last six years but doesn’t seems to mind her carrier being washed away. 

Cut to today my third example I am married to a lovely lady (who is 28 years old) who use to have quite a mind of her own (atleast I thought so, as when she was my girlfriend she use to be quite a monster, aggressive carrier minded woman, a lot of my friends use to stay away from her for she was no nonsense kind of lady). Last week she told me that she wants to take a break from her career (she is a practicing lawyer) and be a fulltime house wife for the next five years so that we could plan kids. I love the idea (I am the one who wants kids the most) but told her this would be a disastrous move for her carrier. The response I got was “I prefer to be a housewife to a dentist then to be in court when my heart is at home” 

All three instances are from within my family each one is from a different generation and all three women were quite successful however, all three chose to become housewives, which make me feel I understand women so less. 

Now I have following question for only and only ladies to answer: 

1.	Why do women chose to become a second fiddle to a man to an extent that there own personal identity gets lost. 

2.	How can someone who was extremely carrier minded become so insensitive to her own carrier and give priority to mundane things as household and kids. 


3.	I and my dad are far-far away from being ideal husbands but despite that our wives don’t seem to mind (ok they nag and sometimes shout on us but they never even thought of leaving us despite we being totally savage). How can someone seem to be okay to live in a kind-of abusive relationship?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Simplysharib said:


> 1.	Why do women chose to become a second fiddle to a man to an extent that there own personal identity gets lost.


So you see your wife as second fiddle to you if she's not working?



Simplysharib said:


> 2.	How can someone who was extremely carrier minded become so insensitive to her own carrier and give priority to mundane things as household and kids.


You think kids are mundane things? And keeping a good home for them is something trivial? Maybe you ought to tell her that before having kids. She might reconsider.



Simplysharib said:


> 3.	I and my dad are far-far away from being ideal husbands but despite that our wives don’t seem to mind (ok they nag and sometimes shout on us but they never even thought of leaving us despite we being totally savage). How can someone seem to be okay to live in a kind-of abusive relationship?


The more relevant question is, How can you be OK being an abusive man?

You put a lot of stock in your career and dont seem to appreciate family very much. Careers are fine and its good to contribute positively to society and to your environment, but what are you without family and without love? Do you think the people you work with care about you much? What if you became ill. Who would be there for you? And when you retire what do you think you will cherish most about your life? The many teeth you cleaned? Family is everything. Careers are expendable.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Most women are more family oriented. 

You give her two choices: Career or family. If the husband is making more than enough for them to have a comfortable life, the wife would choose family instead of a career. It is actually a great thing for the husband and the kids. 

They were career successful because they have the ability, they are intelligent. They didn't waste their talent. But they are no different from women who haven't been career successful. They are still women. 

My ideal family is still traditional: husband provides, wife stays at home looking after the kids and makes sure the house is clean and delicious meals put on the table. When the husband comes home, he can enjoy his happy family life. When the wife has free time during the day, she can chit chat with her friends or do some volunteering work. 

If my husband and I had kids, I would choose to stay home and look after the kids too. It just makes more sense that you look after your own kids instead of hiring somebody else to take care of them. Your kids, your blood, you don't feel guilty if you look after them yourself. 

What's so important about career. Women can make their family a career too. If they are able to make a happy family, then they have a successful career at home. And you, the husband, benefit from her decision, aren't you happy about it?

As for domestic squabbles, they are impossible for people to avoid since us humans just like to create problems for ourselves. Nobody is imperfect, misunderstanding happens all the time. Good communication to avoid misunderstanding is the key!

Once I read this " better than average theory", I find it very helpful for reducing stress. This father told his smart daughter not to give herself too much pressure to strive to be number one in class. He said to her: based on your ability, just strive to be better than average, you will be much happier! The daughter listened to her father's advice, from then on, that's what she did. Strive to be better than average, didn't strive to be number one. Went to a university better than average, married a husband better than average, required kids to be better than average! Because of this attitude, she doesn't put any pressure on herself or her husband or her kids, her life is stress free and her family's life is stress free. Think more about it, doesn't she have a wonderful life? 

That's my attitude now. I have a peaceful and joyful life!


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## Simplysharib (Mar 26, 2011)

Blanca said:


> So you see your wife as second fiddle to you if she's not working?


Well I never said that she is second fiddle to me but don’t you think a lady who could have achieved so much would be reduced to wife of Mr. X. It pains me that she is spoiling her career because I (and now I think probably she as well) want kids. 




Blanca said:


> You think kids are mundane things? And keeping a good home for them is something trivial? Maybe you ought to tell her that before having kids. She might reconsider.


No, I don’t feel that these tasks are in any way unimportant or trivial but deep below in my heart I feel guilty conscious that I am spoiling someone’s carrier. Picture this I always thought one day I would see her as the best lawyer in the country. I would still love her same (if not more) but can I say have I been fair to her. A housewife is a dream fantasy for every single man I know (Including me) but how can I sacrifice my wife’s life for my wild fantasies. 




Blanca said:


> The more relevant question is, How can you be OK being an abusive man?
> 
> You put a lot of stock in your career and dont seem to appreciate family very much. Careers are fine and its good to contribute positively to society and to your environment, but what are you without family and without love? Do you think the people you work with care about you much? What if you became ill. Who would be there for you? And when you retire what do you think you will cherish most about your life? The many teeth you cleaned? Family is everything. Careers are expendable.


I know you are right but the point is do these ladies even know that they are sacrificing there self for imperfect men. I am not abusive (can’t say so about dad) but I am a lazy, tough and get irritated easily. She contest divorce cases for other women in similar circumstances but has a different yardstick for judging me. I am not complaining but again I feel am I man worth it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

> 1. Why do women chose to become a second fiddle to a man to an extent that there own personal identity gets lost.


I never consider my self second fiddle. Why does being a Mother or homemaker mean you are lost or have no identity? i think it's a huge misconception that wives and mothers who stay at home have nothing to bring to the table, and just shows how much you don't value women and the nurturing role.



> 2. How can someone who was extremely carrier minded become so insensitive to her own carrier and give priority to mundane things as household and kids.


Yes a lot of it is mundane, but much of child rearing is priceless. You probably don't understand that as you don't have your own, but being with your children and spending time and investing time with them is one of the most valuable jobs in the world. I think it's sad that people do not value this role enough. People, particularly your own little people are far more valuable then money and investing in your children goes far beyond anything your career could ever give you.



> 3. I and my dad are far-far away from being ideal husbands but despite that our wives don’t seem to mind (ok they nag and sometimes shout on us but they never even thought of leaving us despite we being totally savage). How can someone seem to be okay to live in a kind-of abusive relationship?


If you are abusive, your wife may well get sick of it and leave you one day.

I suggest you get some counseling and learn how to be a good husband, a good leader without being abusive and a loving caring husband.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'll answer for women who DO sacrifice far too much of themselves in the process of having a family.

Why? Because I was taught that that was my proper role, given by god. I also wanted to grow up to be like my mom. I wasn't really ever taught the critical importance of making some of my personal goals a priority that couldn't be compromised.
Luckily, at age 34, I've figured out that it was a mistake to lose myself and I am so much happier since I started back on big personal goals and ambitions. I do work at home which is a major plus since my youngest is 3. I've actually worked off and on all during our childraising years, but you can still lose yourself while working for money. I'm confident that there are lots of 9-5 employed people who have lost themselves, too.

Mudane? Yes, by definition household chores are mundane. Mundane does not mean BAD, it just means the everyday earthy stuff. This can be good or bad depending on the woman and what she chooses to think about while doing the mundane. 

Abusive relationships? Well, my mom figures she shoulda left my dad when we were all still young if she was gonna do it. She would never, ever marry again. She figures she'll just stick this one out. My dad's temper isn't as bad as when the kids were young. He can just be difficult to have a conversation with sometimes. Probably a lot like your dad-you hate even calling it abuse, but that is sometimes what it was.
My mom regrets not speaking up sooner and telling someone about my dads anger problem. I think she was ashamed and embarrassed.
Staying can stem from fear, low self-esteem, doing the math, social reasons, etc. Everyone is unique.

I would encourage your wife to be a stay at home mom PLUS whatever her passion is. If she has a passion for law maybe she can figure out a way to stay involved on some level during childrearing. If she has grown to dislike it then she can use this opportunity to find what her passion is for. It doesn't have to be looked at as all or nothing. There are so many options today that have never been available before...it just takes some creativity.


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## Shianne (Feb 5, 2011)

Well these awesome women have saved me so much typing!!
I will just nod in agreement.
I gave up an awesome job that I loved because when I was there my heart was breaking and I needed to be doing what I really love. raising my kids.

I do not see it as second fiddle. I see it as conductor to the fiddler... my fiddler will not follow the sheet music so I have left the building. He can play whatever he wants now


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## Simplysharib (Mar 26, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> "I know you are right but the point is do these ladies even know that they are sacrificing there self for imperfect men."
> 
> Ah, this might be the issue. You think you might be pulling the wool over your wife's eyes and getting her into something she might regret later.


That's right "Homemaker_Numero_Uno" you have hit the nail on its head. I am really worried that my idea for planning a kid might ruin her carrier. She has always been matured women but this time I think she is thinking too much (emotionally). Last thing I want is that she regrets her decision later. 

Also the biggest fear it gives me is that now she completely trust me letting her down is not an option at all. I have my own set of doubts that will I be the man enough(taking care of her and my future family through thick and thin of things). It’s nothing to do with money but the shear fact that she trusts me more then I trust myself.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Simplysharib said:


> don’t you think a lady who could have achieved so much would be reduced to wife of Mr. X. It pains me that she is spoiling her career because I (and now I think probably she as well) want kids.


I used to think this way. I used to fear being reduced to the wife of my H. But it turns out that it doesnt matter what I do, as long as I love it, and I do it well. Right now im pursing a doctorate in virology. Its a big thing and it pumps my ego. But it means so very little when i think about having a family and the depth of happiness that that could bring. I wont have any problem giving up my career when the time is right. Working with viruses is great but it cannot possibly compare to nurturing my own child. 



Simplysharib said:


> A housewife is a dream fantasy for every single man I know (Including me) but how can I sacrifice my wife’s life for my wild fantasies.


Relax. If she doesnt like being a SAHM she can always go back to work. Its not a permanent shift. If she chooses to stay home then its not really you making her do anything.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Simplysharib said:


> That's right "Homemaker_Numero_Uno" you have hit the nail on its head. I am really worried that my idea for planning a kid might ruin her carrier. She has always been matured women but this time I think she is thinking too much (emotionally). Last thing I want is that she regrets her decision later.
> 
> Also the biggest fear it gives me is that now she completely trust me letting her down is not an option at all. I have my own set of doubts that will I be the man enough(taking care of her and my future family through thick and thin of things). It’s nothing to do with money but the shear fact that she trusts me more then I trust myself.


Why do you waste your time and energy doubting yourself and fearing what might not happen! 

Then strive to be a man who won't disappoint her. 

The most important thing, always be faithful to her. Don't hurt her! 

Do you best to meet her needs! 

Just do you best! You know you are imperfect, hope she knows you are imperfect too and doesn't expect too much out of you. Live with the flaws you and she can accept, change the big flaws which she finds difficult to tolerate. 

If you want children, it is necessary for her to stay at home for a couple of years. Just cherish her sacrifice and work towards the goal to have a happy family.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Mrs.G said:


> I have a lot of respect for the importance of raising children. However, throwing away a career and a hard won degree is just stupid in my eyes. Sorry, but there's no reason for years of hard work if a woman is just going to stay home and wipe kids butts all day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry you have this view. Actually I think it is better for the children to have a well educated person molding their future on a daily basis. And I didn't throw my education away. I may stay at home, but I still benefit from my education every day. 

To the other SAHM who have posted......Well put, everyone!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Simplysharib said:


> Now I have following question for only and only ladies to answer:
> 
> 1.	Why do women chose to become a second fiddle to a man to an extent that there own personal identity gets lost.
> 
> 2.	How can someone who was extremely carrier minded become so insensitive to her own carrier and give priority to mundane things as household and kids.


The way you originally worded these questions screams that *YOU* *FEEL* she will be ruining her life & reducing it to mundaneness & loosing her identity. I personally feel judged just reading your questions as I never had a career & heartily ENJOY raising my children, I thank God every day I am ABLE to do this, that my husband makes enough $$ to support our family of 8. 

If your wife is good at what she does, I don't see why she can't take a few years off, enjoy her children, and get back into her career in the future? Women do this all the time. Believe me, many women REGRET not having this time with their kids, it eats them up inside. A friend in my Mops Group works a couple jobs, she has CRIED Tears in front of us other stay at Home Moms because of the Sheer GUILT of not having this luxery , it even puts a little resentment on her husband for not making enough -so she can stay home.

Please take a moment & read this Poem entitled "*Children won't wait*" -- maybe it can open your eyes to the Power & sheer beautifulness of raising children. Seasons of Learning: Children Won't Wait


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Didn't read all the posts but here are my answers:

1. I'm not second fiddle to my dh. I haven't lost my identity just because I'm a homemaker. My job description just changed that's all.

2. I tried to keep my career (CPA) that I'd had for 20 years after I had kids. I just couldn't do it honestly. Sick kids, missed work, having to leave at 5 to pick them up from daycare, mad bosses, all of it led me to quit. It's not mundane though it's a lot of freakin work raising 3 kids full time and running a household.

3. My parents were emotionally abusive. I now refuse to be treated horribly. I won't take being yelled at nor do I yell at others. I wil not take any abuse in any shape form or fashion. I am educated and am able to earn my own money. I will leave if the situation warrants it.


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## Simplysharib (Mar 26, 2011)

mommy22 said:


> Simplysharib, I'm a little concerned about the nature of this thread and hope there was no intent to incite. Since you're new to the forum, is this causing an issue in your own marriage? Obviously this is a topic which will incite certain women so perhaps we should get to the heart of your concern. Would you rather your wife work instead? Is that what you're geting at?


Dear Mommy22,

Thanks for showing genuine concern. Well situation as of now is my wife has decided (on her sweet will) to be SAHM and forgo her carrier for next five years as we plan to have a baby. I absolutely love this happening (talking purely selfish). However, deep down my heart I have a suspicion she may deeply regret her decision given that she is an established lawyer. Also I have seen few cases where a working women when switched to be stay at home mom they started showing symptoms of mental disorder (if I may use that the word) like irritability, low self esteem etc. 

As of now my wife is woman has high self esteem (infact she ruffles other self esteem, how typically feminist lawyer LOL). All my life I have seen her roar like lion in courts. I am not sure how she would be able to adapt to slow and steady life of a housewife. I haven’t voiced my concerns as I don’t want her to feel like that I want her to work as quite obviously I want the opposite but again I want her to chose what’s best for her in long run irrespective of what I feel. 

Also I want to on my personal front raise an apprehension. I am slightly possessive about her (something I will never accept if she tells me but I know I am). I don’t know how to put it this but I fear my MCP attitude(as she puts it) with her SAHM status might affect our marriage. Today she daily goes and vents out her frustration in court and other places but tomorrow this may not be the case. Also she would have a lot more time to think about petty matters something which I have generally seen to create troubles. Do you have any advice on this? 

One of our common friend (who happens to be lawyer herself as well) that she may work as a volunteer for couple of hours a day with some female organization providing free legal consultation this would keep her involved and have some time outside without being tied with any work commitments. 

On a lighter note I want to ask this. One of my fellow doctors at hospital complained his wife has turned into his mother ever since the birth of their son. Almost to an extent that she bosses him on what he wears, How he should behave and to top it all sometimes cuts his food. So do you advice me to purchase Bib for self and practice eating baby cereal. 

Regards,
Sharib


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Some women choose to stay home and put their careers on hold when the children are young...it's not like their going to be house wives forever...that really doesn't happen anymore. When you think about it, no woman is a second fiddle..it takes two to make a marriage and run a household.
You're saying that kids and husbands are mundane...huh:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women are biologically devised to be nesters - that means that caring for family and home is intrinsically more important to them than it is to men. In other words, just as you get pride and satisfaction from making a lot of money or being highly regarded in the community, a woman gets the same amount of pride from making a great home and raising great kids. 

What YOU value is what a man typically values. Why should that be the same thing for a woman?

Read Men Are From Mars, Woman Are From Venus.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I come from a family that is split. My Mom was/is the main breadwinner in my family while I was growing up. She was very successful in her career and values education and work outside of the home. She would never be happy to be a stay at home mom. I can respect this.

My sister is also the main breadwinner in her household now. She stayed home with her first for a year or so and then realized she'd be happier at work.

I've chosen to stay home after working in the first few years of our first child's life. I wouldn't say that I am happier at home than at work but I feel an obligation to do this for my children and I enjoy being in their lives and having the time to really focus and enjoy their little lives. It is a sacrifice for me but one that I want to make. I don't resent my husband, I offer him thanks for supporting our family enough to allow me to have a choice. In today's economy that is not easy!

Still, I would never say that my sister doesn't enjoy her children's lives...she absolutely does and I do believe she is a great Mother.

Children who are raised in homes where the parents find a balance, value and love one another as well as respect each other's strengths and choices are far better off than those who can't and it doesn't matter what the career status of the Mom.

It seems as if you don't value your wife as much as you could and that you believe that you will end up with the better deal or that your own mother somehow ended up with the raw deal as well. Well...don't let that happen. You can choose to value her choices, her strengths, her intelligence and you can keep communication open so that she doesn't feel neglected or taken advantage of.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your wife may say 5 years right now, but she may feel that 2-3 are enough--or decide she needs 10. The transition to full-time SAHM is very different than one anticipates, even if well informed (you cannot plan for how you will feel about the changes that happen). She may love it, she may hate it, she may love it for a while then grow to hate it. The best system is to communicate and be open--both of you--to change. I *loved* being with each of my kids--for a while. But after a couple of years I was absolutely desperate to get back to work, so I did (part-time at first).


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