# Dating a recent divorcee



## ConfusedDater (Jun 18, 2018)

Hi everyone,
I'm a widower from Preston, UK, and deeply in love with a recent divorcee. She says she loves me more than anything, but is struggling to commit to a full relationship. We've been dating in secret for over a year now but she has always wanted to protect the children, or prevent her jealous ex from finding out, or had other reasons that she doesn't want our friends to know about us.
I love her more than anything and I almost certainly came on a bit too serious a bit too soon, not fully appreciating her turmoil over being so recently separated (we first went on a date, almost by accident, a few weeks after her separation, and things sort of snowballed from there). But I've tried to give her space whenever she's needed it.
She now feels that she wants to have a complete break of a couple of months from our relationship to process her grief over her last relationship, process what that means for her family and herself, to find herself a bit and (she says) to come back to me ready to commit and to tell the world about our love.
Has anyone been in a similar position to her, and if so does this sound like the sorts of things that are normal to feel and do? Although it sounds reasonable and I want to support her in becoming her new, separated self before being in a relationship again, I can't help but worry whether, consciously or not, she actually doesn't feel that being with me is right - and that therefore this is actually the beginning of her separating from me more permanently. Perhaps she even wants to enjoy the single life she's missed out on and play the field a little before settling down (in which case, maybe it won't be with me after all).
We both have children, which adds to the complexities, although they all get on wonderfully (and described themselves as brothers and sisters from well before we started dating!) In fact overall I think that how well everything is going is probably a bit scary for her.
She's not ready for me to propose or for us all to move in. I get that, and I'm not suggesting it (though I'd love to do both of those things). I'd really just like to stop creeping around; for her to be OK with holding my hand in public, whereas (for now at least) it's actually going completely the other way, which is scary for me!
So should I be worried? Or are these perfectly normal feelings she needs to explore?
If the latter, what is your best advice on how to support her?
All help very welcome!
CD


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

ConfusedDater said:


> Hi everyone,
> I'm a widower from Preston, UK, and deeply in love with a recent divorcee. She says she loves me more than anything, but is struggling to commit to a full relationship. *We've been dating in secret for over a year now* but she has always wanted to protect the children, or prevent her jealous ex from finding out, or had other reasons that* she doesn't want our friends to know about us.*
> I love her more than anything and I almost certainly came on a bit too serious a bit too soon, not fully appreciating her turmoil over being so recently separated (we first went on a date, almost by accident, a few weeks after her separation, and things sort of snowballed from there). But I've tried to give her space whenever she's needed it.
> *She now feels that she wants to have a complete break* of a couple of months from our relationship to process her grief over her last relationship, process what that means for her family and herself, to find herself a bit and (she says) to come back to me ready to commit and to tell the world about our love.
> ...


worst case scenario: she's not really divorced
best case scenario: she's still in love with her ex and is using you for an emotional crutch.

Your whole story is riddled with red flags that should have caused you to break up with her. A woman that is in love with a man wants to tell the world, introduce him to every friend, etc. etc.
SHE WANTS TO BREAK THINGS OFF.

Break it off period. Really. This is a no brainer. She's not that into you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ConfusedDater said:


> Hi everyone,
> I'm a widower from Preston, UK, and deeply in love with a recent divorcee. She says she loves me more than anything, but is struggling to commit to a full relationship. We've been dating in secret for over a year now but she has always wanted to protect the children, or prevent her jealous ex from finding out, or had other reasons that she doesn't want our friends to know about us.
> I love her more than anything and I almost certainly came on a bit too serious a bit too soon, not fully appreciating her turmoil over being so recently separated (we first went on a date, almost by accident, a few weeks after her separation, and things sort of snowballed from there). But I've tried to give her space whenever she's needed it.
> She now feels that she wants to have a complete break of a couple of months from our relationship to process her grief over her last relationship, process what that means for her family and herself, to find herself a bit and (she says) to come back to me ready to commit and to tell the world about our love.
> ...


There could be any number of reasons for her wanting to break up with you.When it comes to taking a break she may be telling you the truth or she may be trying to let you down gently.As you have surmised she may even want to play the field for a while.
But the most important thing as far as you are concerned is that she doesn’t want to be with you.She has never gone public with your relationship and doesn’t want even close friends knowing about dating you.
I hate to tell you this and I honestly hope that I’m wrong but after a year “dating” in secret I think that she is trying to be kind and easing you into accepting that there is no future with her.
If you want to you could agree on a time limit,maybe three months and then she has to make a decision one way or the other.
Don’t get your hopes up though.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

As a woman I can tell you that I met a man over a year ago, and I was only a year post divorce, who came on strong, and I realized I wasn't over my ex or the divorce yet. At first it was a confidence builder, but I only "went out" with him one night - we met at a restaurant. We had a talk, a couple of drinks, a good night kiss, and then I realized I was so NOT over my divorce and so NOT interested in taking the first offer that came along. I could have continued the relationship and let it develop but that would not have been fair to him. Even so, what resonates with me is her desire to feel she's fully over the divorce (although not letting other people know, hiding it from the kids, etc., sounds like she wants him back and doesn't want to jeopardize that, or she's not actually divorced at all). You say the divorce was recent and it makes me wonder if she really truly wants to go public about your relationship after a suitable period has passed; if her ex is jealous, he may be prepared to claim she was cheating (and she may have been, who knows). 

So you have options, it seems to me. You can ask her if she's not over the ex, wants him back, is she really divorced, is she hoping to wait a certain time period . . . but if I were you, I'd give her the space, and agree with Andy give her a time limit, say, three months, and see if she does, and see where the relationship goes then. Personally I think it is really important to give someone space if they ask for it, because they COULD very well make the decision to continue the relationship. But if you're clingy or needy and checking in, she'll see that as a huge red flag. One reason I didn't date the guy I met is that before I could give him my phone number, he found it somehow (online somehow) and texted me, and it creeped me right out. 

What's the harm in giving her space if you're that into her, and if in three months she's not back, you got your answer?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Give her the break she asked for. 3 months sounds about right.

But I'd assume that she is going to date others, so you should do the same. I'd also stop texting her. 

If she really digs you and wants you back, she will let you know.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> As a woman I can tell you that I met a man over a year ago, and I was only a year post divorce, who came on strong, and I realized I wasn't over my ex or the divorce yet. At first it was a confidence builder, but I only "went out" with him one night - we met at a restaurant. We had a talk, a couple of drinks, a good night kiss, and then I realized I was so NOT over my divorce and so NOT interested in taking the first offer that came along. I could have continued the relationship and let it develop but that would not have been fair to him. Even so, what resonates with me is her desire to feel she's fully over the divorce (although not letting other people know, hiding it from the kids, etc., sounds like she wants him back and doesn't want to jeopardize that, or she's not actually divorced at all). You say the divorce was recent and it makes me wonder if she really truly wants to go public about your relationship after a suitable period has passed; if her ex is jealous, he may be prepared to claim she was cheating (and she may have been, who knows).
> 
> So you have options, it seems to me. You can ask her if she's not over the ex, wants him back, is she really divorced, is she hoping to wait a certain time period . . . but if I were you, I'd give her the space, and agree with Andy give her a time limit, say, three months, and see if she does, and see where the relationship goes then. Personally I think it is really important to give someone space if they ask for it, because they COULD very well make the decision to continue the relationship. But if you're clingy or needy and checking in, she'll see that as a huge red flag. One reason I didn't date the guy I met is that before I could give him my phone number, he found it somehow (online somehow) and texted me, and it creeped me right out.
> 
> *What's the harm in giving her space if you're that into her, and if in three months she's not back, you got your answer?*


Because he's wasting his time. If she had the same feelings for him as he did her----- she wouldn't want a break.

A BREAK is nothing more than a BREAK UP........ He needs to take the hint and just go dark. If she calls or wants him back- he might reconsider-- personally I think him foolish if he did. Regardless of the problems, if a woman is in love with a man---- she doesn't want a freaking break. She's been dating the guy a year. She knows whether or not she wants him or doesn't want him by now.

Yeah, it hurts to like someone or love someone and it's not returned. But it will hurt more if you let him stay in limbo for 3 months. I think he needs to move on. Just my opinion, respectfully.....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> worst case scenario: she's not really divorced
> best case scenario: she's still in love with her ex and is using you for an emotional crutch.
> 
> Your whole story is riddled with red flags that should have caused you to break up with her. A woman that is in love with a man wants to tell the world, introduce him to every friend, etc. etc.
> ...


Yes, this post above is spot on. 

You know there is the remotest possibility that she really is hurting from her Marriage breaking up, but very remote. 

And here is the biggest thing about relationships in general. Never ever chase. If they want to be with you, then they will be with you. 

And if you came on too strong, she probably does not want to be with you. Women hate that, so don't do that. 

Bottom line, let her go, if she comes back then you will get to decide if you want her. Frankly, she is probably still trying to get back with her ex, and that is why you are a secret. 

Just move on...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> What's the harm in giving her space if you're that into her, and if in three months she's not back, you got your answer?


The only harm is if he does wait he is going to delay his own healing from a breakup. She probably won't be back in a few months. 

This is one of the downfalls of being the first relationship after a divorce or tail end of a divorce. It's the timing, she jumped from one relationship to another and hasn't taken the time to figure out what she wanted etc etc. I dated one woman who was at the very end of a divorce, she was about a month away from it being final. She fell hard for me initially and I think it was because I was everything her ex wasnt. She was also afraid to leave one relationship and jump into another without standing on her own two feet. 

So we would have a bit of a yoyo effect, she'd be "all in" and then suddenly pull back and want space, then all in again. When we broke up she readily admitted that she was making efforts to not fall in love with me, purposely pulling back because she didn't want to go from a marriage to another serious relationship that fast. 

Had we met a year later I think it could have developed into a real long term relationship because she would have had a much better idea of what she wanted and who she was. 

She wants space the op should give it to her but he should also assume she won't be back and move forward with his life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dating her just weeks after her separation was a mistake. She had no time to think or process or even begin to heal. It was 4 years after my separation and then divorce before I was ready to even think of another man. 

I think she is being very wise, she clearly isn't ready for anything serious. The fact that she refused to tell anyone was a massive red flag. 

She may be trying to let you down gently by suggesting this 2 month separation, or she may be wanting to hang onto you for now while she decides what she wants to do. Give her the time and see what happens. She may miss you a lot or she may just move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Assume she's going to be dating. You do the same.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Walk away and never look back. If she decides she misses you and wants to date you again, then she'll contact you and let you know. Until then continue on with your life with the assumption you won't ever see her again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I never understand why a man says he loves a woman so early in a relationship. It always causes uneasiness. 

Like each other a lot for a while before springing the L word. Used too much it loses its meaning.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I never understand why a man says he loves a woman so early in a relationship. It always causes uneasiness.
> 
> Like each other a lot for a while before springing the L word. Used too much it loses its meaning.


Oh, I can explain it to you. Usually it's due to insecurity and the feeling that they need to lock the woman down before she changes her mind and gets away. It's a horrible strategy and usually backfires. It's often implemented by guys with less experience dating especially when they feel like they are dating a woman out of their league, and with guys that think the L word has some magical power to influence her feelings towards them.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> Oh, I can explain it to you. Usually it's due to insecurity and the feeling that they need to lock the woman down before she changes her mind and gets away. It's a horrible strategy and usually backfires. It's often implemented by guys with less experience dating especially when they feel like they are dating a woman out of their league, and with guys that think the L word has some magical power to influence her feelings towards them.


Yes, this, exactly this. I have had similar recent experiences and it baffles me. It also makes me run far away in the opposite direction (stop seeing them)

After only a few months of dating, they drop the "L" word (Love), want to move in together and propose marriage on bended knee with ring in hand. 

How can a man love me when he doesn't even really know me? 

I think they like the "idea" of being married or the "idea" being married to me, the "idea" of a wife or the "idea" of having me for a wife. 

Who that woman actually is matters little to them.

They just have an urgency about them to "lock me down" that makes my hair stand on end and makes my alarm bells go off.

I think they say "I Love You" early on hoping to manipulate me into saying it back, like I owe it to them, like I am obligated to love them back.

It feels like they want to pretend they love me and they want me to pretend I love them, like that will make it happen - a "fake it till you make it" scenario.

What is even more amazing and baffling to me, is these men seem to be great catches in all other respects and seem to have their pick of high value women who would jump and jump high to be with them.

Just when I think I have men all figured out, they pull crap like this. 

And I'm like, "Dude...WTH? Things were going great...why did you pull that crap???"

LOL

Men are sometimes still a mystery to me!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I never understand why a man says he loves a woman so early in a relationship. It always causes uneasiness.
> 
> Like each other a lot for a while before springing the L word. Used too much it loses its meaning.


They have dated for a year. I would be very concerned if a man I had been dating that long hadn't said it. I loved my husband after a week, and told him as well. He also said it very early and we have now been married for 13 years this year.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Hmm, isn't the word "break" the first word in the term "break up"?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It might take a year in this day and age to get to know a young lady. L word too early may, but not always, sound like a ploy. Said to too many in quick relationships and it's just a word.
Granted, the right time varies. A year is long enough. 

Also granted....my W and I knew after three months, and have been married 33 yrs.

But a man shouldn't throw it out there to coerce a woman. I suppose that's my point. All good stuff😉


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

But I don't want to sound like it's all about "feelings" . Need logic there too. 😎😎


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

The whole putting you on the shelf thing really only means one of two scenarios. She wants to break up with you outright but feels its easier to let you down this way (its actually crueler). Or she has someone else she sees more potential in and wants to focus on him for two or three months to see if that works better for her. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on. I wouldn't even worry about if or when she contacts you. If you move on you really won't care if she does anyway. When in that scenario of an ex-girlfriend coming back after asking for space, I am shocked at how many of them resurface asking to just be FWBs. She may have preferred something casual. Sometimes I say yes, depending on my situation at the time. So maybe you will find yourself there, but I don't see that happening for you because that NEVER happens if you actually have real deep feelings for the person. Tends to only happen with those you weren't all that excited about anyway. So....she is probably gone. Sorry man.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> The whole putting you on the shelf thing really only means one of two scenarios. She wants to break up with you outright but feels its easier to let you down this way (its actually crueler). Or she has someone else she sees more potential in and wants to focus on him for two or three months to see if that works better for her. The best thing you can do for yourself is move on. I wouldn't even worry about if or when she contacts you. If you move on you really won't care if she does anyway. When in that scenario of an ex-girlfriend coming back after asking for space, I am shocked at how many of them resurface asking to just be FWBs. She may have preferred something casual. Sometimes I say yes, depending on my situation at the time. So maybe you will find yourself there, but I don't see that happening for you because that NEVER happens if you actually have real deep feelings for the person. Tends to only happen with those you weren't all that excited about anyway. So....she is probably gone. Sorry man.


I completely agree with you about the two reasons for asking for a break.
But there is a third reason and people often don’t realize it.
If a woman gets very comfortable with you,or to put it another way she starts losing respect for you then sometimes she will play a little mind game.Also known as a **** test.
She will ask for a break but is really hoping that you make contact and beg her to come back.Then she has your balls in her purse for evermore.This works a helluva lot more than you would imagine.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I completely agree with you about the two reasons for asking for a break.
> But there is a third reason and people often don’t realize it.
> If a woman gets very comfortable with you,or to put it another way she starts losing respect for you then sometimes she will play a little mind game.Also known as a **** test.
> She will ask for a break but is really hoping that you make contact and beg her to come back.Then she has your balls in her purse for evermore.This works a helluva lot more than you would imagine.


Yeah...very true. I have had that same scenario. I had to take a work call when on the phone with a woman I was dating. I told her I would call her back. I called her back and she was like I don't think we're compatible and I am ending things because you're not making me a priority. I said "ok". What followed was a series of text messages saying, "I can't believe you're not fighting for us", "How can you give up so easily", bla, bla, bla. She ended up posting inappropriate pictures of me all over the web because I wasn't "fighting for us". It was a nightmare. 

But for this OP I don't think this scenario applies. Which is why I didn't mention it. The fact that he was hidden for a year speaks volumes to me. Honestly that only happens in affairs, or if you're not that important to the person. She should have wanted to show him off to someone at some point if its been a year. She has to have at least one close friend she wanted to know about him. Also, if you're being tested that way you don't want that person anyway. They will always play games like that.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds to me like this is the slow ghost process. Sorry you are the rebound. You were there to emotionally support her and now she is on the other side she is gone. Been here myself. I suggest never dating anyone who is going through a divorce or recently divorced.


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