# Confused and need advice...



## Unhappyandconfused (Mar 8, 2012)

I have been a lurker for some time and feel I'm ready for some advice. My husband cheated on me 2 years ago with a woman from work. We had a fight, he told me he didn't love me and I told him to move out. I did some research and found several text messages back and forth between him and a woman he worked with. I asked him to come over to discuss what we were doing and I said who is she? He was very honest and told me who she was and that he was in love with her, she was the love of his life and they were meant to be together. He didn't mean for it to happen, but it did and he wants to be with her. I reacted by punching him in the nose. I was very hurt. He said he didn't think I would care. We hadn't been close in years. At the time we had been married 8 years and had 2 children. He went off to be with her and I was so angry and hurt. I harrassed her, was horrible to him. Manipulated him and guilted him...I even started to date someone a few months later. I made him feel so guilty for leaving the kids, he finally left her and came back. He was still in love with her, I knew that. They still worked together, he refused to get another job. He agreed to marriage counseling, which we did for 6 months. I put him through hell and back, asking him every detail about thier relationship, he handed his phone over to me every night when he came home and he was not allowed to leave with it for anything other than work. I controlled the situation completely. Which during MC I found out was part of our problem. I treated him like a 3rd child and was mean to him. By the time we were done with MC after 6 months, the therapist told me to divorce him, he's a narcissist and I knew it the day he walked in. I still didn't do it. We talked about it after the holidays. We were miserable. Fighting all the time, doing absolutely nothing together. Spending separate time with the kids. He moved out again in March 2011. I know he was seeing her again, if he had ever stopped. I must have said some stuff to our daughter or in front of her to give her the impression daddy didn't love me anymore and she became very unstable and we caught her holding her little brother down saying it was his fault mommy and daddy don't live together. He immediately came back to the house. We got her counseling and I lived with my mom for a few months. I decided I was done with that and moved myself back in, didn't ask, just did it. I didn't care that we were separated and had been for the last 8 months. We went right back to the same routine, him with the kids and me with the kids. He didn't do anything ever unless it was with the kids, I did my own thing, but he wouldn't dare. We fought incessantly. He said he wanted to move out a few times and I said you can't afford to, I don't know where you're going to get the money. I had my own account and wasn't giving him any extra money. His money was for paying the bills. I know I've been horrible, I didn't want to lose my lifestyle or the life I thought I had. He had told me in January 2011 he didn't love me and still loved her and always would love her. I didn't care....he's a very weak man and I know him very well and what to do and say to get what I want. Lately, we have been fighting horribly, we are both so incredibly miserable. I work out everyday for 2 hours a day. I've been talking to a guy I used to work with and working out at the gym with him. My H and I went to see a therapist a couple weeks ago to figure out how to tell the kids daddy is moving out. We needed to do something because we were screaming and fighting in front of the kids to the point where they are yelling back at us to stop fighting. We went to therapy and fought in there for 2 hours. Still fighting about the same thing we've been fighting about for years. I know our marriage wasn't good before, I see that now. And it has become exponentially worse since the EA. Our next step is to meet with a lawyer and file and figure out the money....I'm still scared. For some reason I still want him to want me and not her. I don't dare ask him about her anymore, I don't want to know, but I know. They still work together. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm hurting my kids by fighting in front of them. Is this the type of life I want for my kids or me for that matter. We haven't had sex in over two years. We don't have a marriage, we share a house, he sleeps in the guest room and I sleep in the bedroom. Is it time for me to just accept my marriage is over and well, has been for quite awhile and move on. Do I stay for the kids? Do I stay because we are married? It's obvious he wants out but doesn't want to be the bad guy again. He's a great dad and this whole thing has made him an even better father. Please help....I'm so lost and confused.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

The fact he hasn't shown much remorse and is still "in love" with this woman should be a signal for you to move on. If you wanted to reconcile, it first would've started with him expressing his deep compunction for what he did to you and his family. You say you were miserable for several years and he seemed to have emotionally checked out of the marriage?, well again, if he prioritized you and his family he would've done everything possible to amend previous errors and move on to create a healthier relationship. You didn't push him away with the way you reacted post D-day. It's a perfectly understandable reaction to being betrayed and if he had any of sense of empathy, he'd realise this too.

This woman isn't really the love of his life. She's just a convenient person who was there for him when you were going through your marital problems. Scratch a little under the surface and he'll probably end up leaving her too. Besides, such relationships only have a 3% success rate and for her to think cheating with a married man means she'll have a faithful partner in the future is delusion to say the least.

If he's not committed to reconciling with you as his wife then you're just going on a carousel wheel of endless fighting. It'll make both of your lives miserable and will hurt the kids too.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Complexity said:


> This woman isn't really the love of his life. She's just a convenient person who was there for him when you were going through your marital problems. Scratch a little under the surface and he'll probably end up leaving her too. Besides, such relationships only have a 3% success rate and for her to think cheating with a married man means she'll have a faithful partner in the future is delusion to say the least.


So damn true.
However they can only realise that when they've been released and then their fantasy has to take the weight of reality.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

*He had told me in January 2011 he didn't love me and still loved her and always would love her. I didn't care....he's a very weak man and I know him very well and what to do and say to get what I want*

Sorry for you.

I may sound pro R. My reason is why destruct a marriage, a family - if there is a chance to recover.

In your case, the counselor advised you to D. 

With all this, I would still try a last chance at some measures to R. After discovery, you admit, you also treated him badly.

One more last try....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Abuse on both sides. Neither of them loves one another. Severely toxic marriage. OP wants him back for the wrong reasons. And he is with her for the wrong reasons.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

yeah! Sigh.
seems very depressive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenber (Mar 9, 2012)

I may sound pro R. My reason is why destruct a marriage, a family - if there is a chance to recover.


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