# Lost and alone: Marriged and 21



## RaquelTheBell (Oct 3, 2010)

Hello. My names Raquel. I just joined this site after I stumbled upon it while looking for help. I just turned 21 last May; my husband will be 22 this November. Basically, We are both at our last straw with our relationship. I feel as if I need to fill you in on how we got together before I jump on the issues. This way it may help with any helpful advice you may give. We got married A little over a year last July sixth. now, we knew each other over the internet before that for five years, sending love letters with words of passion, friendship and dreams of one another. Later, he sent for me to move to his state in Indiana and I happily accepted. He went into boot camp for the Air Force while I stayed behind and took care of a friend of his who just got out of surgery from breast cancer. We sent more love letter, him declaring one of marriage and children in the future. Well, we did get married a few months later and got stationed in new Mexico. The first few months were...well, to be honest, hell. Every single note with words of passion and love seemed a dream. We were both virgins coming into the marriage, but my family were a bit more open with sex, so I had a general idea on it. My husband didn't since his mother saw him as her " baby" and sheltered him. The first time we tried being sexual, it hurt me and I cried, asking him to be gentle, he got frustrated and would stop touching me for days. This happened every time he tried being with me. I would try and ask him to touch me more and make me more wet, but he would get frustrated and say it was too much work. And to make it worse, he would come home from work every day for the few first months and ignore me. He wouldn't even speak or eat dinner with me. I felt lower than I did when I had tried to kill myself when I was 16. On top of this, I come from a family where we touch, and hold and say I love you. He didn't. so ,I tried not to feel hurt when he ignored me...but with months like that...states away from my family and no friends... I cried every night. I found a job for the other months and that took all my emotional energy away from our relationship. At that point, I could drown in my work. Our sex life was still a big fat 0, but he got to get off my rubbing against me or having me pleasure him. I stopped asking for anything. I had left my job early this year and focused on our marriage due to him telling me my work is stressing me out and ruining our marriage. I noticed all the issues that we had and after months of begging him to go to couples therapy, I Told him if he didn't I would leave him. We went for a bit, but besides helping get my confidence back as a women, all the other things we were told to do to help each other...well....didn't work. He was either playing a new x-box game or was stressed with working nights. I tried to be understanding.....but the few months of the " I love you" now and then and touches and hugs were gone. There gone NOW. And it's not like I don't want sex. There are times each month I can't go a day without being overly wet. I have to change pantie liners four times a day! when I come to him, trying to show I wanna try and make love, he pushes me away and whines that he's doing something. the only EVERY time he comes to me is....three times a month? to get his jollies rubbing against me? I feel used and ugly. But what confuses me more is that I have very handsome men hitting on me all the time. Whee can't I be good enough for my husband? I'm at my wits end. But what really gets me is when I ask him if he really wants to be with me, he says " I dunno" But when I say " I'm leaving you" He cries and asks " Why? Everything was ok." though I tell him it's not and we both need to try and work on it. He refuses and says I need to give our relationship more time. For what though? what change? And now he hints its because we wont have sex. but how can I have sex with a man who can't even say " I love you? Or show me I'm attractive? Being rutted on like an animal makes me feel ugly and broken. He wont do foreplay. do I let him rip me? I'm so confused and lost and sexually frustrated. Half of me wants to give up and the other half is stupid and remembers the letters and HOPES for that. what should I do? I tried therapy, wearing sexy stuff, working out to look better, gels to get me more wet. NOTHING. He can't turn me on anymore. 

HELP?


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## RaquelTheBell (Oct 3, 2010)

Sorry for the spelling errors. So late at night. AND FYI, he's a nice guy for the most part. I mean, we are good friends and get along as friends. But nothing more than that.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I feel sorry for you. Being young and don't know where to find a clue. 

If you have been reading posts here for sometime, I am sure you know sex is very important to men, if they don't have it, they become distant. 

Don't know what's in your husband's mind, but if you want yourself to be wet, it is actually easy, you can use lubricant or saliva. 

And please don't keep on telling your husband YOU WANT TO LEAVE if you still want to try to make it work. It will make him more frustrated and distant. 

Sorry, I am not a therapist. 

It is important for your husband to register on this website and tell us how he feels, so maybe it is easy for us to figure out what to do. If the problem is him, not you, he needs advice. He needs to know how to treat a virgin wife.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

RaquelTheBell said:


> Half of me wants to give up and the other half is stupid and remembers the letters and HOPES for that.


That's the reason most women stay in unhappy relationships. They look up to find it is nothing like they expected. Perhaps you were duped to expect more, but you have to examine and accept what it is, not what you thought it would be or what you want it to be. What it is is your reality and all you have to work with.

And I agree with the previous poster. Stop making idle threats. Either stay or go, but stop threatening him to make him give in to you.

What you need is a sex therapist. You and he both are sexually inexperienced and emotionally tender in that area. You only know how you feel about this whole situation. But believe it or not, he feels the same way. He feels rejected and sexually frustrated just like you do, but neither of you knows what to do about it. Neither of you knows how to instruct the other person. Most men avoid subjects of this nature if they are unsure of themselves, and your guy has no confidence in this area at all. 

One thing that alarmed me in your post is him saying "it is too much work." That could be a clue into his psyche but you never know until you find out for certain. If he thinks sex is for the purpose of using a woman as a vessel or depository, then the relationship should be doomed in your opinion. But you don't know unless he learns better but still continues to feel that way. Coming from you is not going to work though because he takes your instruction personally and that makes him feel inadequate. A sex therapist can help you both learn to explore and enjoy each other and will give him a better understanding of his role as your lover. You will know for certain the kind of lover you are dealing with if he learns differently but remains disrespectful of your body and inconsiderate of your needs.

Just a note: If you don't like being rutted, then don't let him do it anymore. Don't ever let him do ANYTHING that makes you feel uncomfortable. You are not obligated to let him do that. If he refuses to work on your sex life, you don't owe him anything for his own gratification. Tell him not to touch you sexually at all until he is willing to work at it.

Just another note: You can send him love letters too, you know. It might help to build his confidence to start sending you letters again.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

if a man cant even find time to work on the partner's juices and yet complaining that getting her aroused is too much work, either reason it with him, or take it as the reason to walk away


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## RaquelTheBell (Oct 3, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> That's the reason most women stay in unhappy relationships. They look up to find it is nothing like they expected. Perhaps you were duped to expect more, but you have to examine and accept what it is, not what you thought it would be or what you want it to be. What it is is your reality and all you have to work with.
> 
> And I agree with the previous poster. Stop making idle threats. Either stay or go, but stop threatening him to make him give in to you.
> 
> ...


I agree. Though it was not what I expected, I'll try and make what we have work. and for the threats... I guess i felt scared. i wanted him to see what I saw, but it could have made it worse. I don't know. I know he won't go to sex therapy. I had to beg him for regular couple therapy. He told me he gave up on trying with sex. I don't think it will happen unless I let him....you know, just do it. But the last time it hurt so bad and when i cried, he pulled off me and told me to go to sleep. I didn't mean to cry. I told him to keep trying but he gave up. he told me he didn't want to try because he didn't want to be let down again. I can't get him to try and make love to me anymore. now I have negative feelings on it and just want to hide.
I know. Lately, I've been keeping to myself in that way. we had a conversation after I posted here and....we hit rock bottom. He was honest, and I appreciated that when it came to saying how he felt about us. he didn't SEE an " Us" but worried about me being in the " Real world" I can admit, it upset me when he said that, but I felt the underline concern in his voice. but what gets me is that besides me being a procrastinator, he says there's nothing else he could think of on that topic.
Thank you for replying and being understanding and honest. We spoke and are giving ourselves the rest of the year to ...fix it? He wants that.


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## RaquelTheBell (Oct 3, 2010)

malmale said:


> if a man cant even find time to work on the partner's juices and yet complaining that getting her aroused is too much work, either reason it with him, or take it as the reason to walk away


It seems so easy and strong and I hate myself for not just DOING that....but to just walk away and cut my best friend from my life. But maybe we are not meant to be. I'm so confused.


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## RaquelTheBell (Oct 3, 2010)

Ok, so I talked do my husband, and asked him to look at this site. I asked him to join and say all he feels. I'm scared though. I've never told him some things and feel sad if i hurt him.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I wonder if you rushed into a marriage, marrying an image of what you thought he was. That's what it sounds like.

greenpearl, my sweet friend, not all men need sex so much. My H only needs it 2-3x/week. Everyone is different. I read an Elle magazine article from February 2010, about young couples in love who have both enjoyed each other without sex for many years! 

Some men have problems. Some men have low testosterone so they don't want sex. Or maybe they are taking drugs for depression, or narcotics, or have a drinking problem, or they are gay, or they have performance anxiety, or they resent their wife and cannot get turned on.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

Sara Ann said:


> ..., or they resent their wife and cannot get turned on.


then they shouldnt have gotten married in the 1st place...


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