# How do you forget



## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

My divorce papers just arrived last week. Day after my ex introduced kids to his lady friend. I was hurt but what hurt me the most is i figure out its the lady i asked last year why is she texting my husbend, she told me they play a game online. I looked her up online last year she is 10 years older then my ex and she lives in US , we are in Canada. I didnt feel she was the tret . But now it turns out she was. For for 18 months i couldn't understend why i am getting divorced. My ex keeped saying we just grow apart there is no one else. Even now he keeps saying she is just a friend. I am was so stupid for believing. How do you go on after the betrayal. I just wish he had guts to say it last year. I read post in this site for a year now and everything pointes him cheating but i believed when he said he wouldn't do that.


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## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

Can you move it to divorce tread. Thanks


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Dzulka said:


> How do you go on after the betryal.


You have to "write him off" and find another good man who is morally upright, loving, and sacrificial.



Dzulka said:


> I just wish he had guts to say it last year.


Yes, I know that would make you feel a bit better, but the facts are the facts, and him saying it really doesn't change anything. He's a lying scoundrel
and probably always will be.


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## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

I just cant understand why would he ruin our lives for somebody he met online. We have two kids ages 7 and 6. 11 years married and had normal life with ups and downs but it was ok. He asked for divorce ( 2 weeks before vacation) but i was the one that moved to my parents after we spent 5 week vacation in our home country where i fell in depression and anxiety. For all this time he blamed me one day then the next hr would say it him he is not good for us and all kind of bulls..., now aftr finding this i am a mess. I am trying to make sense of all this but i dont think i can.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You sound depressed. Are you seeing a therapist? Are you on meds? 

He moved on and so do you. Who cares about years and kids. I left my wife after 8 years and two kids (4/5yrs). I was tired of her crap and we were in a sexless and loveless marriage. That's no way to live. I can't tell you why he left you, but I'm sure you have some idea. 

My ex wife was saying the same things and I just replied to her and others "We haven't had sex in almost 5 years. I'll never have sex with you again. I'm doing YOU a favor so you can be free."


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## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

I am seeing therapist.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Dzulka said:


> I am seeing therapist.


You remind of us of a good point: The dishonesty is as hurtful as the actual cheating.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

It is my opinion the lies were harder to endure than the actual cheating.

How to heal? I do not know.

My case is special. My wife is sick, and I have learned to accept her sickness. But she works very hard to prove her sickness does not control her.

But the lies were horribly destructive.


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## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> It is my opinion the lies were harder to endure than the actual cheating.
> Yes lies are so hard to endure. I trusted him more them myslef.
> 
> 
> ...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, no life is a bowl of cherries.

My wife is a pathological liar. Before she was diagnosed things were spinning out of control.

She did have an affair. The affair wasn't that big a deal to me. We are children of the 60's, and I could have figured a way to manage that issue. And she did tell me about it immediately. But when I asked why, she lied. Then compounded that with more lies, and more. So it went. On and on.

For about 2 years I essentially tortured my wife for lying to me.

We have been working over our history and the timeline, and I have been finding I was wrong about some things, like when she was diagnosed by her shrink. But the two year mark is when I realized her lies were out of her control, and finally decided I had to learn to live with them.

She has been to a lot of counseling.

But hey, she is a lot of fun. And she does amazing things to prove she loves me, every single day. I really could not ask for better.

But I do know how much lies can hurt.

The years 1979 and 1980 where bad years. Long ago, but I do remember.


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## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

My ex was very good man only problem was he wouldnt talk about issuse. Never lied , until 18 months ago , when he went on fishing trip. Later that trip was two different storys. We separeted and went for divorce as he refused to talk about gettjng back togethor. I made peace with that. But when i found out he lied all this time i lost it. Just writing about it helps.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes. Writing about it helps. Or, sharing it helps. Even though we are strangers.

Oddly, we are all strangers, and no one really cares at all, I am sure, but hey, I think it still helps.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While you eventually come around to the Christian principle of “forgiving,” you should never allow yourself to ever “forget” what it was that happened to you, out of sheer fear of it ever happening again!*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

For me finding another to love has worked. I met my wife after my first two fiancés cheated on me. I am married to her for 45 years now. I know that you can find love again, sometimes when you are not even looking. I met my wife on a train when both of us were coming home from work. Got engaged 3 weeks later. 

I always advise wives that if it looks like cheating, smells like cheating and tastes like cheating, it is cheating. It is human nature to want to not believe what is actually going on. I have seen cases where wives were caught red handed but denied it so much that their husband began to doubt what he saw. A psychologist once wrote that you should deny and keep on denying because your spouse will want to believe you rather than the alternative. Watch the TV show Cheaters to see what I mean about how much the non cheating spouse will take before hiring a private detective. I know that my wife would not accept that I am out with my friends or working late almost every night. She certainly will be suspicious if I stopped loving her as fiercely as I do.

What not to do it let it consume you. I bet he has moved on and for you to keep beating yourself up emotionally over it is basically you punishing yourself when the rest of the world is not even thinking about it anymore. The best revenge is living well. You will never forget. I will never forget finding out my first Fiancé cheating on me when I was in combat. However I have forgiven her and got my revenge when she called me 38 years later to tell me how she regretted cheating on me as her life did not go as planned. She was the smartest girl in her high school with a scholarship to an ivy league college. She turned out to become a drug addict and had a child by one of many men in the commune she joined. Then she married a man to pay for her son's college and divorced him as soon as his last check cleared. She was married to a woman for 23 years after that. I told her about my life but she had read about me on the internet and knew most of it. She asked for my forgiveness which I gave her. In fact I told her that she was long forgotten and thanked her for cheating on me because if not for that I would never have met my wonderful wife of 45 years who has made my life a joy. Living well is the best revenge, not beating yourself up about it. Do not forget, just do not let it eat you up. His loss not yours.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You never really forget. It just gets easier to live with. Depending, of course, on several factors which differ in each of us.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If he did this, then he is not the man you thought he was. He didn't so much ruin your life as make you realize that it never was what you thought it was. 

Why he did it? Who knows. Maybe an immature selfish fantasy / crush. Maybe he had been deeply unhappy for a long time? You can't know and it doesn't matter. 





Dzulka said:


> I just cant understand why would he ruin our lives for somebody he met online. We have two kids ages 7 and 6. 11 years married and had normal life with ups and downs but it was ok. He asked for divorce ( 2 weeks before vacation) but i was the one that moved to my parents after we spent 5 week vacation in our home country where i fell in depression and anxiety. For all this time he blamed me one day then the next hr would say it him he is not good for us and all kind of bulls..., now aftr finding this i am a mess. I am trying to make sense of all this but i dont think i can.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

Okay. I get that you don't understand him. Who really understands anyone. What matters were the actions. 

But the title is How Do You Forget. How do you forget what? And why do you want to forget? Sure wouldn't want to do it again. Do you mean you're embarrassed and want to forget how dumb you were? Don't worry about that. You'll get over the embarrassment as you talk to more and more people who also didn't figure things out. Beside, you're better than that now. 

You know, I don't have any more clue than you do as to why he would throw over a long marriage and family for some online honey. Some guys are just really, really stupid, like need to be hit over the nose with a rolled up newspaper kind of stupid. And some are just crazy as a run-over rooster. It's a real big club. 

When you find yourself feeling sorry for yourself, just think about another woman who you can really feel sorry for - that woman in the U.S. 

Keep writing about this stuff. Doesn't have to be posted here. I've always found that if I have to write about something, I understand it better and faster. Want a little exercise? Give it some thought, and write a letter to yourself back before you had any inkling of this. Bet you think of a lot to point out to past self that you never thought much about then. 

And hey; look at this. There's a message coming in. It's to you from you three years from now. It says, "Don't worry. We're now strong and happy and worthy of love and of loving and know how to do it right. You're going to love it here."


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

(I'm not divorced, but I was cheated on, and lied to.)

You never forget. You shouldn't forget, because if you do, you will make the same mistakes again. You can change yourself so that you see the red flags next time. Even if you played a part in having a bad marriage, he chose to cheat. If you made mistakes, you can learn from them to not do them again...like choosing a person who has character and communicates instead of cheating.

The lying does hurt. The replacing you with someone else hurts.

He probably lied to you because he knew that if you knew the truth you would have gotten angry and tried to damage him in the divorce.

He probably lied because he didn't want you, your family, his family, all your friends to know he was a cheater. He didn't want to sully his reputation.

He lied because he is ashamed she is older than he is? He knew that in your eyes he was trading down and he didn't want to have to explain it.

He lied for the same reasons he cheated. He is selfish and only thinks of himself.


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## Dzulka (Nov 13, 2016)

I want to forget the betrayal and pain i endure when i found out all this. I was in shock for 3 days, today its slowly wearing off. I just couldn't believe that he could do something like this. I just dont think i can ever trust again. Thanks all for your comments.


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## jinkazama (Nov 5, 2017)

Dear Dzulka

I know Divorce is hard especially with KIDS.

Please Don't think about him now.

THink about yourself now.

My Wife Also wanted divorce blaming me for weight gain and other things.

When i Found Out about her cheating. THe pain was unbearbale.

Remember The Time when your Ex was not in your life.

you were happy and smiling before him.

so yes you can smile and be happy after him.

he is not your world.

he was emotionally abusing you for his lady friend.

he was lying to you for his lady friend.

So please think about yourself now and your kids

nobody can replace you from your kids life

you are their mother ok(she is 10 years older lol so can be their step grandmother.)

she is an outsider

dont be scared of her


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dzulka said:


> I want to forget the betrayal and pain i endure when i found out all this. I was in shock for 3 days, today its slowly wearing off. I just couldn't believe that he could do something like this. I just dont think i can ever trust again. Thanks all for your comments.


You CANT forget! This isn't about forgetting, this is about learning to live with it and get past it. Otherwise you learn NOTHING, and go into the next relationship with no life lessons and no knowledge of what to look out for. Time is pretty much the only thing that helps. Maybe therapy. Get busy doing things with your life that you enjoy, and spend time with people who care about you. Realize that he was a liar and cheat because of who HE IS, and not because of you or something that you did or didn't do. Sometimes people just suck... that is their fault, not ours.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Dzulka said:


> I just dont think i can ever trust again.


When it happened to me, I felt this way, and I think most people do. I adopted a "trust, but verify" stance in my next 2
marriages. In my current marriage, my DW has proven herself trustworthy and I no longer verify too much.



3Xnocharm said:


> Sometimes people just suck... that is their fault, not ours.


Precisely correct. When you find a person who doesn't suck, you will begin to trust again.
And, because of your experience, you will quickly recognize the "suck" and avoid these people.

Of course, the experience has only taught you how people suck at keeping their sexual fidelity. There are other
forms of "suck" that we have to keep vigilance about.


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