# Wife's Sex Drive Plummeted After Marriage



## Themcginnster (Jan 10, 2017)

I've been reading posts here for almost a year and finally taking the time and courage to post myself.

My wife and I dated for 3 years long distance before getting married. We dated throughout college on either side of the state. So we would see each other every few weeks for a weekend, winter break, spring break, etc. Every time we saw each other our sex was incredible and frequent!

We've been married for almost 3 years now. Almost immediately after we got married and move in together our sex life plummeted. It was like a light switch went off. It went down to sex once a week maybe. I know that isn't bad compared to others but what we had before isn't even close. I feel like I was dooped into marriage.

I am a very physical person and find great satisfaction, connection, and love in our sex. But the less and less we have it the more I feel distant, unsatisfied, and resentful. I love my wife with all of my heart and divorce is 100% NOT an option. We have a little 1 year old girl and another on the way. 

Our lives are great otherwise. She is everything I ever wanted in a wife and family but if our sex life stays this stagnant and continue or get worse I don't know what will happen. 

Please help.

-Frank Drebin

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*After marriage, marital sex will normally wane some, but after kids come into the picture, all things sexual really seem to "go South!"

Would she ever consider marriage counseling?*


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I will take a stab in the dark. Do you have her up on a pedestal? Do you jump up to take care of her requests? Are you too much of a nice guy? Hint - read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Also The 5 Love Languages.

Could be she feels that now she has the ring, she doesn't need to meet your needs anymore.

Could be she has past childhood abuse with a family member, now that your "family", you are viewed negatively.

Could be you are not paying as much attention to her like you did when dating/

May find a few articles to give you wife here - https://forgivenwife.com/inundated-by-his-hurt/

Take her out on a date & have a discussion on what needs she needs met from you and then you discuss what you need.

** additional thoughts - let me tell you what I wish I would have known when I got married.
Get your self in the best physical shape you can be, and stay there.
Get your self nice clothes, always dress like your trying to make a first impression.
Don't let your wife's pissy mood bring you down. Stay happy. (better for your own piece of mind and it will piss her off more, not always a bad thing)
Don't be afraid to voice your opinions, even if they are opposite your wife's. Some women just gotta argue for the sake of it.
Make sure you are pulling your weight around the house, raising your children, etc.
Tell your wife how sexy she looks with a baby bump.
Kids will affect your sex life, but, make sure the marriage comes first, kids second. Lots of people pour all their energy into the kids, leaving nothing for the spouse.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How, is it that your sex life plummeted when you were only seeing each other and thus having sex every few weeks, yet now you get once per week?

Sounds like you're actually getting more sex. 

Were you expecting to automatically have daily sex once you got married?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> How, is it that your sex life plummeted when you were only seeing each other and thus having sex every few weeks, yet now you get once per week?
> 
> Sounds like you're actually getting more sex.
> 
> Were you expecting to automatically have daily sex once you got married?


I think he's missing the "Can't keep hands off each other passion".

He's tired of the "Hurry up & finish" variety.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Themcginnster said:


> I've been reading posts here for almost a year and finally taking the time and courage to post myself.
> 
> My wife and I dated for 3 years long distance before getting married. We dated throughout college on either side of the state. So we would see each other every few weeks for a weekend, winter break, spring break, etc. Every time we saw each other our sex was incredible and frequent!
> 
> ...


Well, your relationship pre-marriage isn't really the best measuring stick. With long distance, she had weeks to build up tension, and you were only there for a short duration.

But aside from that, kids are a very big killer of a woman's sex drive. You haven't provided many details about the current discourse between you and your wife regarding sex though. Have you talked about this with her? What does she have to say about your sexual relationship?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Two things. Sounds like she is currently pregnant that means sometimes she might want sex. Sometimes it might be painful.

After my daughter was born the first year after he got sex I think twice that year. Or maybe it was more but I know it was none for the first three months. I had tearing when I delivered her vaginally and my Indian Doctor took what's called a few husband stitches ( makes it smaller than before). Well sex was very painful the first time we tried I made him stop. I was very shy about telling him it still hurt six months later. Our sex life didn't come close to before until I decided to suck it up and go through the pain. 

Babies change lots. Any consolation we have lots of sex now. But after a baby, while pregnant, with a little one running around is somewhat unrealistic. I'm sure there are things you can do to improve the situation.

If it bothers you lots then stop at two children. Communicate with her and cut some slack off.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You say that you had a long distance relationship and sex was infrequent; so how is sex once a week less that you already had. First off you beat the odds since almost 90% of LDR fail. You beat the odds or did you? At your age I was having sex almost every day. Then I left my ex girlfriend and met my wife and sex was only 2-3 times a week. We married when I was 21 and the sex was once or twice a day and much more in the weekends. 

You married a woman who was OK with infrequent sex for 3 years so why would you expect her to want more after you got married. We are in our mid sixties and only went to sex once a week when we hit our sixties and had medical problems. Some older than us have sex more often. From the time I was 30 to 60, we were having regular threesomes with my wife's best friend, then one on one sex afterwards. Our marriage always had a lot of sex and if I saw it going downhill, I would find a way to put the spark and frequency back into it. 

Sounds to me that what you saw, a woman OK with infrequent sex, is exactly what you got. You are the one who assumed it would be different after marriage. Also keep in mind that women are different during the courtship stage where they are driven to get a man. It is a genetic thing. They will do things that they never thought they would do. Once married, the courtship stage has ended and no more trying to get you to marry her. It is very common for women to stop or slow down performing oral sex on their husbands after marriage, as an example.

Read the article below about the stages of passion, love and perhaps you will find out why your sex life has cooled off.

How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I think he's missing the "Can't keep hands off each other passion".
> 
> He's tired of the "Hurry up & finish" variety.


I could understand that, but nowhere in his post does he say that's what he's getting.

Only that he's getting it once a week.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Themcginnster said:


> We've been married for almost 3 years now. Almost immediately after we got married and move in together our sex life plummeted. It was like a light switch went off. It went down to sex once a week maybe. I know that isn't bad compared to others but what we had before isn't even close. I feel like I was dooped into marriage.


Yes, you're SUCH a catch that she worked her diabolical charms on you all the time you were dating long distance, sexing you up each time you got together (what else was there to do for a couple of youngin's?) and ALL so she could win that "prize" - you. 

There's a *big* difference between a couple of college kids dating and 'making up for lost time' when you'd get together, and real life. When you were dating, you'd travel to see each other and it was like being on a mini vacation. No bills, no kids, no house to clean, no laundry to do, no discomforts of pregnancy to deal with - just two youngin's alone with their hormones. But alas, once you married and moved in together all that stopped because now it wasn't just little mini vacations with nothing to distract you from each other - now, it's REAL life. Work, bills, housecleaning, the 24/7 job of tending to a toddler, doing laundry, cooking meals, a second pregnancy, scheduling car maintenance and doctor's appts., and the never-ending business of everyday life. 



> I am a very physical person and find great satisfaction, connection, and love in our sex.


Yeah, that sounds so noble. But mostly, it's about the sex. 



> But the less and less we have it the more I feel distant, unsatisfied, and resentful. I love my wife with all of my heart and divorce is 100% NOT an option. We have a little 1 year old girl and another on the way.


I can't imagine why a woman who spends her day changing dirty diapers, constantly tending to a toddler to make sure she doesn't hurt herself, preparing all her meals and continually trying to keep the house in order while trying to wash a never-ending trail of spit up off her shirt - PLUS carrying a 2nd child in her womb while doing all that - wouldn't feel like a complete sex kitten all the time.

I know _*I*_ would. :rofl:

You think life is a damned picnic for your wife and she's purposely shutting down *just* to irritate you? Her job NEVER ends. She's on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week - no matter how much you 'help.' You get to leave work at 6 pm - she doesn't. *It's 24 hours a day*. And pretty soon, she'll be dealing with another infant while chasing a 1 1/2 year old toddler around. That's a choice I'd never make but *you *both made it, so suck it up, Buttercup.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> How, is it that your sex life plummeted when you were only seeing each other and thus having sex every few weeks, yet now you get once per week?
> 
> Sounds like you're actually getting more sex.
> 
> Were you expecting to automatically have daily sex once you got married?


Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it !!!!!!!!!!! :slap:

A women's answer and point of view...

I am going to go crazy....Oh?.. been there, done that, still doing that >

Pull her pants down and whack her!!

Can't live with them, can't live without them....I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't...stop the world!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yes, you're SUCH a catch that she worked her diabolical charms on you all the time you were dating long distance, sexing you up each time you got together (what else was there to do for a couple of youngin's?) and ALL so she could win that "prize" - you.
> 
> There's a *big* difference between a couple of college kids dating and 'making up for lost time' when you'd get together, and real life. When you were dating, you'd travel to see each other and it was like being on a mini vacation. No bills, no kids, no house to clean, no laundry to do, no discomforts of pregnancy to deal with - just two youngin's alone with their hormones. But alas, once you married and moved in together all that stopped because now it wasn't just little mini vacations with nothing to distract you from each other - now, it's REAL life. Work, bills, housecleaning, the 24/7 job of tending to a toddler, doing laundry, cooking meals, a second pregnancy, scheduling car maintenance and doctor's appts., and the never-ending business of everyday life.
> 
> ...


I got out my pencil...not a #2 lead.

Uh, uh...a very dark charcoal artist pencil..

I wrote your name on my *"I hate you List"* !:laugh:

I returned the sheet on the [high stack] of papers in a deep desk drawer.

You are a marked up women, now, Dear. You are now famous.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yes, you're SUCH a catch that she worked her diabolical charms on you all the time you were dating long distance, sexing you up each time you got together (what else was there to do for a couple of youngin's?) and ALL so she could win that "prize" - you.
> 
> There's a *big* difference between a couple of college kids dating and 'making up for lost time' when you'd get together, and real life. When you were dating, you'd travel to see each other and it was like being on a mini vacation. No bills, no kids, no house to clean, no laundry to do, no discomforts of pregnancy to deal with - just two youngin's alone with their hormones. But alas, once you married and moved in together all that stopped because now it wasn't just little mini vacations with nothing to distract you from each other - now, it's REAL life. Work, bills, housecleaning, the 24/7 job of tending to a toddler, doing laundry, cooking meals, a second pregnancy, scheduling car maintenance and doctor's appts., and the never-ending business of everyday life.
> 
> ...


This is the great part of TAM, you get all view points. To address this, as a husband, are you giving your wife time away from the kids? Are you getting a sitter and taking her out for some one on one time?

Marriage is a compromise. No doubt about it. Both of you are gonna have to "settle" for less than perfect days.

The thing is, if you are attentive to her needs, (make sure she is specific), it helps you to discuss what your needs are.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My ex was into sex - before we married. As soon as she said "I do," she started saying "I don't." Eventually, after nothing changed despite doing all the things that are suggested in such situations, I divorced her, and found someone who is actually compatible in this way (and every other way). Anyway, make a plan, do some research, read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and a couple of other books people here often recommend, insist on marriage counselling, and follow through. Give it at most a year, and if things aren't consistently better, end the marriage. (From what I see and read, there is about a 1% chance at best that things will improve and stay that way, so be prepared for worst case.)


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Then, the old bait and switch.

Now, the old switch to masturbate.

Sorry buddy, you're screwed...or not, as this case may be.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Do you talk to her openly bout the lack of sex and intimacy? Do you let her know that your bonding,closeness, and love for her are tied to this? Do you tell her that you are getting resentful and falling out of love?

I suspect not. Most are unwilling to be truly honest with their spouse. Instead the grow resentful and expect their s to read their minds and see things the way they do.
@ShesStillGotIt perfectly exemplifies that. She responded to your request for understanding and help with an insane rant about her life and the lack of respect she gets. Frankly I stopped reading after a couple sentences because it was clear a vein had popped in her head and she flew off the deep end. Because of her perspective she couldn't hear your concerns and needs. Remember this

Your w may also be unable to hear your concerns and needs unless you spell them out. You must be explicit so she doesn't think this is about sex. Because it's not. It's about resentment, a lack of intimacy, and a feeling that she has no concern for you or your needs in the marriage.

If you state it in terms of your emotional needs and your emotional state she's much more likely to "hear" you. 


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Having a 1 year old and being pregnant would be the least sexy I could ever feel.

It's just so hard on a woman's body and hormones to go through all of that. 

But it is also important to try to keep the sexual connection for both of you. 

I hope you can be assertive about your needs but also understand that she isn't in sexy mode right now. For some women it's basically impossible to get regularly sexual at that time. Random horny-ness may strike her once in awhile though so be sure to be open to those times. And try to talk lovingly to her about the issue sometime when you have a tender moment alone.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

This is a multi-step program.

1. You tell her, once and never again, that you need sex to be happy with your marriage. That you understand as a pregnant woman with a small child and later as a mother of 2 small kids she may not be in the mood much, and you undertsand some days she will be sick or in a bad mood, but that as a long term generality if you guys aren't having sex then she should assume you are unhappy with the marriage. Period. Full stop. There is no "but what if".

2. You get in great shape physically. You rock it at work. You are attentive at home. You pull your weight around the house. You tell her how sexy she is and how much she turns you on even when she is pregnant and even when she has vomit or pooh on her blouse.

3. A year later, if she has not made an effort to address your sexual needs, you file for divorce.

4. Depending on her reaction, you go through with it or call the divorce off. But the idea is that if you filed it is her fault for not listening to you. If she tries to spin it any other way, run for the hills and don't look back. You warned her. You did your part to contribute to the marriage and be as attractive as you can be. If she ignored your warning and called your bluff, she has no one to blame but herself. She will try to argue that pregnancy and small kids excuses the lack of sex. There is no excuse. Stuff happens in life. That is how life works. Stuff happens in life and your boss expects you to show up at work regardless. You expect her to have sex with you regardless.

Or more properly, you expect that sex either makes her life better or seeing the smile on your face after sex makes her life better. If neither of those is true, then you are doing both of you a favor by filing for divorce. You want to be married to someone who either enjoys sex with you or enjoys seeing the look on your face after she has sex with you. That person doesn't have to be her. But the person who is your wife better feel that way or the marriage isn't worth keeping. 

Easy to say. Not easy to do. definitely the right way to live your life. If it comes to divorce, do not waver. In time, she will thank you for it. In the moment she will noit want to admit failure. But in time she will be so relieved to be free of the pressure and guilt that she will thank you for having the guts to do what she knew was right but couldn't bring herself to do.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *After marriage, marital sex will normally wane some, but after kids come into the picture, all things sexual really seem to "go South!"*


Yep it does go south as the sex becomes more carnal and wanton.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I will take a stab in the dark. Do you have her up on a pedestal? Do you jump up to take care of her requests? Are you too much of a nice guy? Hint - read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Also The 5 Love Languages.
> 
> Could be she feels that now she has the ring, she doesn't need to meet your needs anymore.
> 
> ...


This is great advise. Frazzledsadhusband and others here gave me similar advise 2 months ago and I started reading no more mr nice guy right away. In my case, the book was dead on and has been a huge HUGE help to me. Already I am a better husband and father and the respect from my wife is growing.

If this applies to you, be sure to bring your wife on board early on, admit your shortcomings and say something about becoming a better man, which will make you a better husband to her. You could tell her that you are learning to respect yourself and be a stronger man worthy of her respect. 

In my case, my super hot wife jumped my bones and ****ed me sideways for an hour after this conversation--it was awesome. Now she is healping me to change my weak snd unfruitful habits and we are a team. Long road ahead of me, but it's going well so far. You can do it. I'm not saying the book applies to you, but if it does, be be encouraged snd take action.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NickTheChemist said:


> This is great advise. Frazzledsadhusband and others here gave me similar advise 2 months ago and I started reading no more mr nice guy right away. In my case, the book was dead on and has been a huge HUGE help to me. Already I am a better husband and father and the respect from my wife is growing.
> 
> If this applies to you, be sure to bring your wife on board early on, admit your shortcomings and say something about becoming a better man, which will make you a better husband to her. You could tell her that you are learning to respect yourself and be a stronger man worthy of her respect.
> 
> In my case, my super hot wife jumped my bones and ****ed me sideways for an hour after this conversation--it was awesome. Now she is healping me to change my weak snd unfruitful habits and we are a team. Long road ahead of me, but it's going well so far. You can do it. I'm not saying the book applies to you, but if it does, be be encouraged snd take action.


Oh boy...Enthusiasm is a good thing, but there is actually a really good possibility that bringing the wife on board, and laying out the plan for them and all that will completely undermine the effort. Only time will tell of course, but just like the 180, NMMNG is really about self improvement, with the possible side affect of a wife becoming more attracted. The things that it talks about doing and not doing really should be just done, and not broadcast because that runs a very real risk of looking like you're jumping up and down waving your hand in the air saying look at me look at me, look at meeeee! which is pretty much the opposite of what NMMNG is is trying to build.


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## Finwe (Nov 5, 2015)

Every marriage is different. You definitely need to continue to improve yourself, be independent and strong. Clear communication is key, which means listening. Really listening and understanding your wife. 

In my near 50 years on this planet I have learned that very few things are rational and relationships are not. Perhaps your wife want to be chased, perhaps she wants to be told firmly what to do and when to do it, perhaps she prefers wining and dining, the list goes on. 

Consider your sex life as a long term project that constantly changes, almost like a garden. Every year is different and you need to adjust your expectations and techniques to get what you want.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> There's a *big* difference between a couple of college kids dating and 'making up for lost time' when you'd get together, and real life. When you were dating, you'd travel to see each other and it was like being on a mini vacation. No bills, no kids, no house to clean, no laundry to do, no discomforts of pregnancy to deal with - just two youngin's alone with their hormones. But alas, once you married and moved in together all that stopped because now it wasn't just little mini vacations with nothing to distract you from each other - now, it's REAL life. Work, bills, housecleaning, the 24/7 job of tending to a toddler, doing laundry, cooking meals, a second pregnancy, scheduling car maintenance and doctor's appts., and the never-ending business of everyday life.


If everyone would be upfront about what they think REAL life entails, there'd be less problems.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Having a 1 year old and being pregnant would be the least sexy I could ever feel.
> 
> It's just so hard on a woman's body and hormones to go through all of that.
> 
> ...


Obviously, having sex wreaks havoc on a woman's libido and that has to be accounted for.

But, he said that the sex dropped off the moment they were married, not the moment she became pregnant (although the timing seems to be such that maybe the two events happened at the same time).


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> Oh boy...Enthusiasm is a good thing, but there is actually a really good possibility that bringing the wife on board, and laying out the plan for them and all that will completely undermine the effort. Only time will tell of course, but just like the 180, NMMNG is really about self improvement, with the possible side affect of a wife becoming more attracted. The things that it talks about doing and not doing really should be just done, and not broadcast because that runs a very real risk of looking like you're jumping up and down waving your hand in the air saying look at me look at me, look at meeeee! which is pretty much the opposite of what NMMNG is is trying to build.


Sceptic.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so sudden after marriage? Maybe she is a lesbian, and married you thinking love would grow and she wold want sex with you, but she is just not turned on by men.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Locking this thread. The OP made a single post 2 weeks ago and promptly disappeared. 

Mr Drebin - you have anything else to add, send me a PM I will unlock the thread.....






Talker67 said:


> so sudden after marriage? Maybe she is a lesbian, and married you thinking love would grow and she wold want sex with you, but she is just not turned on by men.


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