# Fiancé doesn’t want sex with me



## Steph0921 (Feb 2, 2018)

I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years, we have a 3 year old son,dogs a house and so on. We have no sex life. We never have!! I met him when I was 19 going on 20 and he was 24. I didn’t have much experience in sex at the time so I wasn’t bothered that we had it once in a while. As Time has gone on I naturally wanted it more, but he didn’t. It messed me up mentally, thinking there was something wrong with me, that he wasn’t attracted to me. But it’s because he was addicted to pills .

And had no sex drive. Even though I knew this I let it bring me down for years.. 

we got pregnant and he took the steps to get clean..kind of. He is prescribed suboxone and has been for 3 years now. Every month the dr lowers the dosage so I was hoping his sex drive would get better.

The dr even gave him a prescription for viagra but he refuses to use it (ego) 
I’m starting to get bitter towards him. 

I’ve tried expressing my feelings towards him, I’ve tried making the moves on him but he always turns me down. If we do have sex it lasts maybe a few minutes and I’m left more frustrated then I was. I honestly think his sex drive is back though because he masterbates all the time. 

I have gained weight since our son and kept it. I’m not drastically bigger but I know he isn’t attracted to me. He will say I need to lose weight. He will NOT tell me I’m beautiful but will say “I love you, so it doesn’t matter.” So I’ve been trying to lose weight so that maybe he will want me but it’s so hard to work out when I’m taking care of everyone. There is no time for me. Also, the fact that our son co sleeps with us still doesn’t make it any easier. 
I just don’t know what to do anymore. 

Talking to him isn’t working, he will just tell me to stop because it will stress him out. 

I’ve run out of ideas on how to fix this. I feel angry towards him all the time. He makes me feel like crap for mentioning sex, saying is that all I think about? I need some advice.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First of all do not get married to him until this problem is sorted out.As an engaged couple you should be going at it like rabbits,not counting the weeks or months between orgasms.If he won’t help himself then there is nothing you can do.
Has he ever shared his porn preference with you,could he be bi or even gay.
I repeat,under no circumstances marry this guy until he ups his game drastically.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If he is masturbating regularly to porn then that's why he doesn't want sex with you. He may be addicted and long term porn use can make a man be unable to have normal sex.The only solution is for him to stop that completely and focus all of his sexual energy and desire towards you. It will take time but eventually he will be able to enjoy normal sex.


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## Steph0921 (Feb 2, 2018)

I have no desire to marry him anytime soon. I don’t think he is gay, he has tried watching porn while we had sex but it wasn’t working for me, just made me feel like he wanted the girl on the screen but was settling for what he’s got in front of him. I will try talking to him about stopping the porn for a while But I don’t think he will listen ?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

All bets are off with an addict. Addict's brains and brain chemistries do not work or function like a normal person's. They cannot think, act, feel or react the way a normal person would. 

Untill he gets off of all intoxicants and gets off of the porn, he will not function and behave and react like a normal healthy man. 

You could look like Heidi Klume and it would not matter.

There is nothing you can do. It is on him to get straightened out and until he does you are just spitting in the wind. 

He's on drugs (even though they are prescribed by a Dr, he is still an addict) and he is also likely hooked on porn as well; and he is denying you love, romance, affection and sexuality.

You are within your right to dissolve the relationship. 

Perhaps the possibility of losing you and having to pay child support and not seeing his child regularly (judges aren't too keen on druggies having unsupervised custody of very young children) might motivate him to get clean for good and to take your needs seriously.

Or maybe it won't, in which case you know where you stand.

My advice is starting working in exit strategies and find a way to support yourself and the child and start meeting with a family law attorney to learn your rights and responsibility should the relationship end.

There is no magic phrase or words of wisdom that will transform him into a clean, sober, living and sexual partner and effective father. 

You can't change him. You can only take charge of yourself and empower yourself to take care of your own well being and self interests.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Why do you put up with a guy who drains the life out of you? Just get it over with and ditch him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Tell him to start F----- you like he means it or Get the F--- out!

How anyone can find their hand more interesting that a willing woman is messed up. Give him one chance & then cut him loose.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

And get your kid out of your bed! How can you possibly expect any kind of sex life with your child right there with you??

Your husband has a porn problem.


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## Steph0921 (Feb 2, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> And get your kid out of your bed! How can you possibly expect any kind of sex life with your child right there with you??
> 
> Your husband has a porn problem.


I’m trying to get our son out of our bed but his father told him there was monsters in his room one time and now he’s scared to death.?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Steph0921 said:


> I’m trying to get our son out of our bed but his father told him there was monsters in his room one time and now he’s scared to death.?


Well, arent you married to a peach of a man....


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"we have a 3 year old son"

I WAS going to tell you to un-fiance' him. But i see you are bogged down by having a kid out of wedlock.
I guess you are stuck in a sexless marriage. Do the best you can with sex toys, i guess


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steph0921 said:


> I’ve been with my fiancé for 8 years, we have a 3 year old son,dogs a house and so on. We have no sex life. We never have!! I met him when I was 19 going on 20 and he was 24. I didn’t have much experience in sex at the time so I wasn’t bothered that we had it once in a while. As Time has gone on I naturally wanted it more, but he didn’t. It messed me up mentally, thinking there was something wrong with me, that he wasn’t attracted to me. But it’s because he was addicted to pills .
> 
> And had no sex drive. Even though I knew this I let it bring me down for years..
> 
> ...


Here is a link to a thread that might help you. It's a long thread, but read at least the first few pages as it lists resources that you might find helpful.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> "we have a 3 year old son"
> 
> I WAS going to tell you to un-fiance' him. But i see you are bogged down by having a kid out of wedlock.
> I guess you are stuck in a sexless marriage. Do the best you can with sex toys, i guess


I'm not sure why you think that her having a child out of wedlock would force her to stay in this relationship. She can leave and depending on their income levels and custody arrangement, she might be able to get some child support to help her raise their son.

It would be no different than a divorce mother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steph0921 said:


> I’m trying to get our son out of our bed but his father told him there was monsters in his room one time and now he’s scared to death.?


Clearly your fiance is using you son as a wedge between you in bed. I was married to a guy who did this. What I started to do was to stay with my son in his room until he fell asleep. You could also buy a 'monster killing' night light. Of course you would have to get your partner to go along with it and for him to tell your son that the night light really does scare off and/or kill monsters.

Your partner does not want sex with you. There is not a lot you can do about it. Instead you need to realize that this is who he is. And if you cannot live with that then leave him. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant again with this guy.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Leave him a list.
1) Fix the trouble you caused with our son being scared of the dark. He needs to sleep in his room
2) Stop watching porn and masterbating
3) F*ck me until my legs wobble



Or you start to figure out an exit plan.. things wont get easier... And do not get pregnant again or get married until this stuff is sorted or ended


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Wait if he's clean why is he still taking suboxone?


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## username77 (Dec 27, 2017)

Drug addict who calls you fat and won't have sex with you? I get you have a kid and all, but is this how you want to spend the best years of your life?


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## Steph0921 (Feb 2, 2018)

toblerone said:


> Wait if he's clean why is he still taking suboxone?


 I said kind of cleaned haha


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hes a closet gay. 

Bet ya a bag of Doritos he likes boys.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

I'm still thinking he might be gay. Do you live in an area where people are religious? Is his family like that?


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> "we have a 3 year old son"
> 
> I WAS going to tell you to un-fiance' him. But i see you are bogged down by having a kid out of wedlock.
> I guess you are stuck in a sexless marriage. Do the best you can with sex toys, i guess


Hey Rip Van Winkle, I hate to wake you from your slumber, but this year is 2018. Very few people use the term "out of wedlock" today.

The states stopped listing people as legitimate or illegitimate on birth certificates many years ago.

You don't need to be married to have children, nor to be great caring parents.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Honestly, I would cut this man loose. He obviously has a drive if he's masturbating all the time, like you say, and if he isn't into sex with you, chances are good he won't ever be. I was told some excellent information by a very good friend of mine: if there's no chemistry happening in the bedroom, there won't be any happening outside of the bedroom either. I would run for the hills; this won't get better!


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## Steph0921 (Feb 2, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> I'm still thinking he might be gay. Do you live in an area where people are religious? Is his family like that?


We both come from non religious families. 
Both sides are open and accepting.
He gives me no hints of being gay though.
And the porn he watches is definitely not gay.


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## Steph0921 (Feb 2, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Honestly, I would cut this man loose. He obviously has a drive if he's masturbating all the time, like you say, and if he isn't into sex with you, chances are good he won't ever be. I was told some excellent information by a very good friend of mine: if there's no chemistry happening in the bedroom, there won't be any happening outside of the bedroom either. I would run for the hills; this won't get better!


Thanks, I think you might be right...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Steph0921 said:


> I said kind of cleaned haha


Yeah and he’s kinda “straight” too.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> "we have a 3 year old son"
> 
> I WAS going to tell you to un-fiance' him. But i see you are bogged down by having a kid out of wedlock.
> I guess you are stuck in a sexless marriage. Do the best you can with sex toys, i guess


What century do you live in?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

This is going to sound kind of harsh, but if you're in your late 20's then it won't be very long before finding a good quality man is going to become far more difficult for you. If you are really pretty, in shape, and have got your life in order with a successful career, etc. then you'll have better options and more time to look, but a lot of the best guys in your age bracket will already be taken so you'll be getting the scraps, older men, or men who have been divorced. Take that into account as you decide what you want to do and how long you want to spend working through this issue with him.


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