# Can't talk to YOU



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

So for those that know my story..... I found something this past week - that the "love of his life" - the woman he's had feelings for, for the past 20+ years, who is "perfect"... and my husband has been what is in my opinion, an EA with.. well the plot thickens!

This woman left her husband and filed for divorce a month before my STBXH bailed on me - a year ago. All this time he's tried to convince me they're just friends, that she "listens to him"... "I can talk to her" (he doesn't ever share with me).

When I found out about her leaving her husband, I confronted him and asked him when did he find out she was divorcing her husband. He said "oh just last month"... A total lie. What - they have these little intimate, heart to heart chats and get togethers to talk about each other's problems, and he didn't know?

Shows me once again he's lying to cover something up. He swears black and blue there's nothing going on between them, they're just "friends", and wants to "keep the door open" to our relationship.

Sounds to me he is making his move, and keeping me on a string in case she rejects him, again.

Any advice?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

WOW.... that's a tough one to call.

I can understand why you are skeptical of the situation. I just couldn't stomach the thought of another woman.. even now... my wife held her guilt to the end of our marriage. 

She never understood how I forgave her. I told her it was unconditional love that had me forgive.

I don't understand how people do this behind their spouses backs..

The guilt must be awful


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Tough call, indeed. My stbxh is living with a 25 year old he has always sworn is a lesbian friend...also divorcing her ex...but I have evidence that they spend a ton of time together out of the house (shared meal receipts, stuff of hers in the car, etc.) I think he has been lying to me all along. In the end, maybe it doesn't matter whether your ex is seeing this woman or not...if he doesn't share with you, he probably never will. Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? And if he is lying, too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Tough call, indeed. My stbxh is living with a 25 year old he has always sworn is a lesbian friend...also divorcing her ex...but I have evidence that they spend a ton of time together out of the house (shared meal receipts, stuff of hers in the car, etc.) I think he has been lying to me all along. In the end, maybe it doesn't matter whether your ex is seeing this woman or not...*if he doesn't share with you, he probably never will*. Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? And if he is lying, too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Excellent point, he's not sharing with YOU, so it doesn't really matter if he's sharing with someone else. What YOU'RE missing is reason enough.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Our MC has labelled him a "love avoidant" with possible strong BPD traits.

He refuses to take any responsbility for what he's done. If I try to discuss anything with him he gets extremely defensive (he's always been like this) and blows up at me, calling me terrible names, saying nasty things and storming out of the house.

When I point out his behaviour he replies it's only ME he does this with, he gets along with everybody else just fine. Then he throws in the ..... (EA woman) "knows how to talk to him"...

Even sharing feelings with him, ie "it hurts me when you say/do this or that" is met with statements such as "you have low self esteem" or "you think everyone is out to get you". If I ever show an ounce of humanity and cry and he sees it, I am accused of "feeling sorry for myself" or "looking for a pity party" or trying to manipulate him.

Its like he's never seen me as a human with feelings, emotions and needs.

Yes it makes me sick to the stomach. No, I definitely do not want to continue in a relationship like this with someone who is obviously emotionally damaged. But I watch my little boy cry for his daddy every night, and I took my wedding vows seriously. My own parents were married for 46 yrs before my mom died. They always told me you don't give up on a marriage, you stick with it in good and bad times. I guess I still pray he will take his IC seriously and change, but that hope fades away with every new dsicovery or action he does to hurt me.

It absolutely breaks my heart on a level I can't even begint to explain. If I didn't have a child with him it would be a whole different story....

When I found out about this woman filing for divorce A YEAR AGO.. (coinciding with his sudden D-Day and leaving) I cried for about 24 hrs. I don't think he ever really loved me. He married me 12 yrs ago because, in his words "she married someone else"... 

We live apart now, thank god.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> Excellent point, he's not sharing with YOU, so it doesn't really matter if he's sharing with someone else. What YOU'RE missing is reason enough.


Totally agree....









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> So for those that know my story..... I found something this past week - that the "love of his life" - the woman he's had feelings for, for the past 20+ years, who is "perfect"... and my husband has been what is in my opinion, an EA with.. well the plot thickens!
> 
> This woman left her husband and filed for divorce a month before my STBXH bailed on me - a year ago. All this time he's tried to convince me they're just friends, that she "listens to him"... "I can talk to her" (he doesn't ever share with me).
> 
> ...


cut the string.


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