# That was one lousy weekend!



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well he admitted to me that basically he has lied to/deceived me since day one when it comes to other women. He says it was 'inappropriate flirting'. If you read my first post it talked about 18 emails back and forth between him and a female coworker(4yrs ago or so). Well that was a big argument when I discovered it. After his initial reaction(I'll just work from my office from now on) he 'agreed' that they were too much. He promised to make the necessary adjustment to himself. It was pretty much dropped. (how stupid of me). Anyway, he has now told me that really not much changed. He adjusted his actions with this person but not in general. He swore to me on many occassions that he knew he was over the line and had made the necessary changes to keep things on a professional level. WRONG! He did no such thing. He instead was just more careful. He continued the flirting b/c it strokes his lame a$$ ego. So for at least the last 4yrs he has been walking a tight rope with the flirting even when he knew how I felt about it. So fast forward to now. Here we are with this OW. He admits that he plain and simply lied to me and kept right on with what he wanted to do.

I told him Im not sure we can be together. I used to trust my judgement in people but now...no way. Yesterday after a lousy weekend, we went swimming at a waterpark hotel(which just happens to be in the OW's backyard) and spent the night with the adult kids and the little one.
So while we are there(and supposedly he is concentrating on me) he starts oggling this one girl over and over. Right in front of me he just keeps looking back over at her! Now checking out a good looking girl in a bikini ONCE under normal circumstances, not a big deal. There was a time that I would have pointed her out to him. But NOW? While we are supposed to be in R he is checking and rechecking this woman right in front of my face. God only knows what happens when Im not around. So the older kids knew there was a problem between us. When we got home we told them we will probably separate. They asked why and he told them. Our daughter(20) said "Im so disappointed in you, you have been the example I hold my boyfriends to". Our son "No, you are done talking." and walked away from him. It really was a bad bad weekend.

So now I cant stand to look at him right now. All I can think about is all the times he lied straight to my face with a f*****g smile. All the times he had said who knows what to how many girls and came home and had sex w/me. What a joke.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Clearly he won't help himself.
And if he won't there's nothing you can do to help him, sorry to say. You need to focus on YOU. He is clearly a good manipulator. 
Focus on YOU and your kids.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

be proud of those kids, they know what is right and wrong


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

At some point your health, emotions, and feelings have to be top of your list. After 4 years I would think he would have stopped? Your adult kids even recognize this behavior of his isn't correct-they know standards!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> be proud of those kids, they know what is right and wrong


I am very proud of them though for a minute I thought my son was gonna pounce on my H so that kinda made me nervous. Instead, he walked away straight to me and just hugged me. He is 23 and already a great man.

I feel like I have to separate from him and move forward. IF he starts to 'get it' and get over himself maybe then we can see whats left. But he's not gonna change as long as he has his cake and can eat it too. Am I right?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> But he's not gonna change as long as he has his cake and can eat it too. Am I right?


100%


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I am very proud of them though for a minute I thought my son was gonna pounce on my H so that kinda made me nervous. Instead, he walked away straight to me and just hugged me. He is 23 and already a great man.
> 
> I feel like I have to separate from him and move forward. IF he starts to 'get it' and get over himself maybe then we can see whats left. But he's not gonna change as long as he has his cake and can eat it too. Am I right?


as right as rain


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I just cant believe this is my effing life! I have done so much to make this marriage work. Im no saint, I have a temper, I can be type A sometimes but I have NEVER been unfaithful to him. I have already forgiven so much, I just feel ....empty. I love him and I hate him. Welcome to hell.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Welcome to hell.


But you're not alone.

Jeez, it's a bit toasty in here isn't it?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I have not begged or pleaded for anything and will not.I left that behind in my first marriage(he was gay turns out). He is for the first time having to really deal with some consequences. Both of the kids are totally p.o.'d at him, he is struggling at work(she is his boss) and I am gonna leave his cheating A$$. I dont want to but I HAVE to. For my own sanity. Because my daughter is watching me. Because he doesnt deserve me right now.

And who knows, this could push him straight to her..but my bleeding will stop.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good for you. You're doing the right thing. I also have adult children and when they found out their stepdad cheated they were all pretty pissed too. I kicked him out of the house when I found out. We're back together now but only because he's doing pretty much everything a remorseful cheater could do. Sounds like your hubby won't.


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

"Both of the kids are totally p.o.'d at him, he is struggling at work(she is his boss) and I am gonna leave his cheating A$$."

Don't most companies have policies against fraternization, especially manager-employee fraternization. That was my first thought when I suspected my wife was involved with a manager at her job. The manager was subsequently fired or quit for unknown reasons.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Baffled01 said:


> "Both of the kids are totally p.o.'d at him, he is struggling at work(she is his boss) and I am gonna leave his cheating A$$."
> 
> Don't most companies have policies against fraternization, especially manager-employee fraternization. That was my first thought when I suspected my wife was involved with a manager at her job. The manager was subsequently fired or quit for unknown reasons.


believe me baffled when I say, it aint over yet.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

OMG! So the H just texted me to let me know "he will be working from home tomorrow and ALOT more" ??????? What the hell? 

I ask for a separation, he responds with that....Is this a sign he is really trying or just more smoke?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> OMG! So the H just texted me to let me know "he will be working from home tomorrow and ALOT more" ??????? What the hell?
> 
> I ask for a separation, he responds with that....Is this a sign he is really trying or just more smoke?


Might be a start but you can never be sure. We never know and that is the problem. If only there was a working crystal ball when we need it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

canttrustu~

I have a very easy way for you to tell if it's just more smoke. Tell him that if he wants to "work from home" tomorrow that's fine--and he can even plan to do so whenever he wants--but you two are still separating. 

See his behavior up to this point warrants separation--meaning he has treated you so badly and so awfully that even if he behaved perfectly starting today--a separation would still be in order. During that time YOU would need to do things for YOU that help YOU to recover from his treatment (nothing about him). This would be assuming he is perfect as of right now, and the cost of the way he has treated you so far is that he would have to assist you in your recovery *-and-* he would have to take the time and effort to prove to you by his actions that he is sincere and trustworthy. 

Soooo...one of the two of you would still move (if he was perfect today) and he would spend the next several months being accountable for his behavior to another mentor-type person, treating you in a kind and loving and thoughtful way, and ON HIS OWN seeking whatever treatment or counseling he may need for his ego issues!!!! After several months of consistent, kind treatment where his WORDS and his ACTIONS match...at that point it is conceivable you may be able to trust him again. 

*Until he has done ALL THAT....ON HIS OWN...it is all smoke and mirrors in an attempt to manipulate you and avoid paying the price for what he has done and continues to do. * 

Make sense?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> canttrustu~
> 
> I have a very easy way for you to tell if it's just more smoke. Tell him that if he wants to "work from home" tomorrow that's fine--and he can even plan to do so whenever he wants--but you two are still separating.
> 
> ...


It makes perfect sense. I told him that this doesnt change anything. We will see what he does and if he moves forward with changing and words matching actions or not. He definately has to deal with the ego thing! Its a real problem. I think he thinks getting away from her is a magic answer. Its a start but not even close to enough.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well today he worked from home. He also talked a bit. We are sleeping apart and barely speaking. He did make an appt with an IC and do some reading about PTSD. Its the first time he has actually verbalized that he knows what I may be going through. For real. At least some idea. Its a step but a baby step. We have sooooo far to go and I dont know if it can be fixed. I have started to lose the jealousy and now Im just so angry about the deception. Is this how it usually goes?


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