# Trust issues, new marriage with kid



## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

We are young couples. There are some trust issues in the past because she was very flirty and was caught cheating before we got married. We were at the point of breaking up when we discovered shes pregnant, Parents wouldnt support abortion and thats the main reason we are together, and she promised to be a changed and better person. She traveled to her parents to give birth and returned after 3 months, but somehow i was using her phone and saw some messages with her ex, but i couldnt go through because she needed to use the phone at that time, the number wasnt stored with any name but i can tell because of the profile picture on watsapp. When i got a hold of the phone moments later, message has been deleted. She knew i probably have seen the message and she never said anything about it and i havent asked. But within me, am not a happy person, this is someone i was falling out of love with for trust issues and trying to give another try thinking she would change with the fact that we have a baby together. I dont know how he could have got her number because she changed her phone number when she was away. I dont know what kind of communication a lady would have with her ex and delete for no one to see. Its so hard to determine what shes up to, I dont love her the way i used to and i know shes not the right one for me. We just seem to be together for the sake of the baby and she is good at crying and swearing about loving me for real whenever there is an issue. I am so lost and unhappy. Pls advise me on what to do.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Jaycee12 said:


> We are young couples. There are some trust issues in the past because she was very flirty and was caught cheating before we got married. We were at the point of breaking up when we discovered shes pregnant, Parents wouldnt support abortion and thats the main reason we are together, and she promised to be a changed and better person. She traveled to her parents to give birth and returned after 3 months, but somehow i was using her phone and saw some messages with her ex, but i couldnt go through because she needed to use the phone at that time, the number wasnt stored with any name but i can tell because of the profile picture on watsapp. When i got a hold of the phone moments later, message has been deleted. She knew i probably have seen the message and she never said anything about it and i havent asked. But within me, am not a happy person, this is someone i was falling out of love with for trust issues and trying to give another try thinking she would change with the fact that we have a baby together. I dont know how he could have got her number because she changed her phone number when she was away. I dont know what kind of communication a lady would have with her ex and delete for no one to see. Its so hard to determine what shes up to, I dont love her the way i used to and i know shes not the right one for me. We just seem to be together for the sake of the baby and she is good at crying and swearing about loving me for real whenever there is an issue. I am so lost and unhappy. Pls advise me on what to do.


Poly.

Check the phone records as well.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Oh dear, You married for all the wrong reasons. A baby is not a reason for getting married, you can be separated, but still be a good dad. You started badly, shes a known cheater and you still married her, now you have suspicious texts, and she could be at it again.

You cant stay with somebody and hope to fall in love, you need to marry a person you love inside and out, for the right reasons.

I would think about divorce, you deserve to be happy, and be with someone you love, never just settle. Sounds to me your wife just wants you when it suits her, maybe shes frightened of being alone??.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Honestly, if she cheated before the marriage, then you had an idea that it could happen again and the "I do" should have been "I wont", and been done with it.

Even though you have a kid with her, your going to be a part of his/her life and a marriage just got you in a bigger mess.

My advice is to let her know that you saw that she was in contact with him, that she lied and you no longer believe anything she says, and file. 

Be there for your kid. They didn't ask to be born but you don't have to put up with a woman whose going to make your life miserable.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

why get married? I mean you could've had the baby and stay toghether without marriege for a while----
anyway, if you feel this way now, do you really think it will get any better?


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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

I'm surprised no one else has said it yet, she cheated before, can you be 100% certain that the kid is yours?


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

You can DNA the kid without telling anyone. Buy a DNA kit at WalMart or online for $30. Swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s with a Q-tip. Mail the kit to a lab with $130 more.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How often did you see your wife and baby during the three mo period? The three of you should have been bonding then. Did she or you feel abandoned?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Identigene DNA Paternity Test Kit - Walmart.com


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

melw74 said:


> Oh dear, You married for all the wrong reasons. A baby is not a reason for getting married, you can be separated, but still be a good dad. You started badly, shes a known cheater and you still married her, now you have suspicious texts, and she could be at it again.
> 
> You cant stay with somebody and hope to fall in love, you need to marry a person you love inside and out, for the right reasons.
> 
> I would think about divorce, you deserve to be happy, and be with someone you love, never just settle. Sounds to me your wife just wants you when it suits her, maybe shes frightened of being alone??.



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


You should never marry someone because of a child I would also add have you check to make shore the child is yours????? if she cheated the possibility is there.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

xakulax said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> You should never marry someone because of a child I would also add have you check to make shore the child is yours????? if she cheated the possibility is there.


Yes, You know i never even thought about that important fact..... He needs to first make sure that the child is his.

It surprising how many people actually do that..... Marry because of a child.... definitely the wrong move If someone is never truly happy either party settle, then leave when someone better comes along, I know they don't always, but that would always be a worry for me personally, but then again i would NEVER marry someone just because of a child, Like i say you can still be a good parent but be apart, I know of quite a few.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Quick question for folks. I agree with most that getting pregnant, in and of itself, is no reason to get married. That being the case, should being married and having a kid be reason enough to stay married? It seem that some betrayed spouses who would agree that you shouldn't get married just because you got pregnant will say they need to stay with the WS because the kid(s) need a two parent home. What gives?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Quick question for folks. I agree with most that getting pregnant, in and of itself, is no reason to get married. That being the case, should being married and having a kid be reason enough to stay married? It seem that some betrayed spouses who would agree that you shouldn't get married just because you got pregnant will say they need to stay with the WS because the kid(s) need a two parent home. What gives?


Adultery is one of the strong reason for divorce.

I personally believe that married couples with kids should try harder to work the ways to stay together. However, it doesn't mean that one spouse or 2 of them should sacrifice their lives for the kids sake.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Do not ask her about it yet,

Get the phone sheriff or teen safe or something. 

And after you get the evidence, then hit the divorce hard.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Normally I recommend trying when there are kids involved, but you are married to someone you don't even like... Cut your losses and figure out your custody arrangements, assuming the child is in fact yours.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Quick question for folks. I agree with most that getting pregnant, in and of itself, is no reason to get married. That being the case, should being married and having a kid be reason enough to stay married? It seem that some betrayed spouses who would agree that you shouldn't get married just because you got pregnant will say they need to stay with the WS because the kid(s) need a two parent home. What gives?


NO, I would not stay married if i was not in love with my husband. You only have one life, why stay in an unhappy marriage??. I know people do, but its not for me.

I had 3 young children under the age of 5 when i had enough with my cheating ex partner, I deserved better, and so did my children..... hes been a total crap dad since hes been gone, sees our boys when he feels like it ( which is hardly at all).

My husband on the other hand is a great dad and step dad..... You can always meet somebody further down the line, somebody who deserves you, who treats you how you should be treated.

I will never understand why people stay in a loveless/ sexless marriage, I know people do and they have their reasons, but i would never be in one....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jaycee12 said:


> We are young couples. There are some trust issues in the past because she was very flirty and was caught cheating before we got married. We were at the point of breaking up when we discovered shes pregnant, Parents wouldnt support abortion and thats the main reason we are together, and she promised to be a changed and better person. She traveled to her parents to give birth and returned after 3 months, but somehow i was using her phone and saw some messages with her ex, but i couldnt go through because she needed to use the phone at that time, the number wasnt stored with any name but i can tell because of the profile picture on watsapp. When i got a hold of the phone moments later, message has been deleted. She knew i probably have seen the message and she never said anything about it and i havent asked. But within me, am not a happy person, this is someone i was falling out of love with for trust issues and trying to give another try thinking she would change with the fact that we have a baby together. I dont know how he could have got her number because she changed her phone number when she was away. I dont know what kind of communication a lady would have with her ex and delete for no one to see. Its so hard to determine what shes up to, I dont love her the way i used to and i know shes not the right one for me. We just seem to be together for the sake of the baby and she is good at crying and swearing about loving me for real whenever there is an issue. I am so lost and unhappy. Pls advise me on what to do.


First of all, what country are you in? This is an important piece of information as it will colour what advice we can offer you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Staying together for the children ONLY is always a terrible mistake.

If your W continues to act shady, there is NO WAY your trust and love will return

Was the cheating with this POS ex?


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

Thank you all for your comments, and this may answer some questions yo have.

The guy is this scenario was who she dated and broke up with before meeting me, but later in the journey i caught them still texting, most messages of which she usually delete. This is how i got to know back then. I was with her phone and a message came in, it was the only message on the chat page and that messages seems like a continuation of a previous chat, so i told the person on the other side(acting like her) that my phone message history just wiped and i would like to read something he said earlier so he should forward me the chat history from his phone which he did. I had enough evidence and called for a break up, she cried her eyes out, her friends came begging i was soft enough to forgive. This made her change her phone number and she made promises.

In my first/original post i made mention of us at the point of breaking up, it was with another guy who i dont know how they met. Same way i saw brief chats and told the guy at the other end to send chat history and he did. I got to know they have been going out on dates and dinner, so i called for a break up. We were not together for about 3 weeks when she came saying shes pregnant. She apologized again and said she DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHY SHE KEEPS LOOSING HER WAY. Because she has a great and easy going guy like me. I have done the DNA and know the child belongs to me. I am not just happy knowing am with someone i cant predict or rely on. Shes a chameleon, anyone here would like her in person if they met her.


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

WhiteRaven said:


> Poly.
> 
> Check the phone records as well.


Sadly, i was going to do all that and keep really close watch on her phone, but after the incident, she was very conscious of her phone and even when shes in the kitchen, phone is not where to be found. less than 48 hours later, she lost her phone ! The phone is somewhere she placed it and forgot because we called it for 2 days consecutively, it was ringing till the batt went dead


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

melw74 said:


> Oh dear, You married for all the wrong reasons. A baby is not a reason for getting married, you can be separated, but still be a good dad. You started badly, shes a known cheater and you still married her, now you have suspicious texts, and she could be at it again.
> 
> You cant stay with somebody and hope to fall in love, you need to marry a person you love inside and out, for the right reasons.
> 
> I would think about divorce, you deserve to be happy, and be with someone you love, never just settle. Sounds to me your wife just wants you when it suits her, maybe shes frightened of being alone??.


 Yes, she is frightened of being alone and about what people will think about her. She doesnt want to let go yet she is not showing signs of wanting a perfect relationship. I think its selfish that she wants to eat her cake and have it all the time. She wants a good guy to show off to her friends but cant get her eyes off the bad guys for fun as well. Somehow i just dont understand this womans nature


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> How often did you see your wife and baby during the three mo period? The three of you should have been bonding then. Did she or you feel abandoned?


We didnt see during the 3 months time, she had to deliver over there so her mom and siblings can help taking care of the new baby and get her used to a few things.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Jaycee12 said:


> Shes a chameleon, anyone here would like her in person if they met her.


They're the worst 

....and end up 'gaslighting' you - putting you in a place in the eyes of every mutual acquaintance friend family you have making you the the 'bad' guy - the one "who made me do it" 

They have the 'victim' mentality and before you know it you'll even believe them yourself


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Jaycee12 said:


> Yes, she is frightened of being alone and about what people will think about her. She doesnt want to let go yet she is not showing signs of wanting a perfect relationship. I think its selfish that she wants to eat her cake and have it all the time. She wants a good guy to show off to her friends but cant get her eyes off the bad guys for fun as well. Somehow i just dont understand this womans nature


It may be a bit early to suggest this but just check out Borderline Personality Disorder. It wont take more than half an hour of your time but may save you a lifetime of wondering what the hell is going on in her head

Even to exclude it its worth just reading up on it a bit.

Good luck


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Quick question for folks. I agree with most that getting pregnant, in and of itself, is no reason to get married. That being the case, should being married and having a kid be reason enough to stay married? It seem that some betrayed spouses who would agree that you shouldn't get married just because you got pregnant will say they need to stay with the WS because the kid(s) need a two parent home. What gives?


I've always felt divorce is better for the kids than 1 or 2 miserable parents. That's me, others may disagree.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So the baby was born outside your country. Which country? Are you from the US? Has this created citizenship issues for the baby? Can she up and leave with the baby? I am pleased you did the DNA test. 

The other man has her number because she sent it to him. I wouldn't be surprised at all that he went to visit her during those three months. 

You need to take steps to ensure she doesn't take the baby away from you.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Jaycee12 said:


> We are young couples. There are some trust issues in the past because she was very flirty and was caught cheating before we got married. We were at the point of breaking up when we discovered shes pregnant, Parents wouldnt support abortion and thats the main reason we are together, and she promised to be a changed and better person. She traveled to her parents to give birth and returned after 3 months, but somehow i was using her phone and saw some messages with her ex, but i couldnt go through because she needed to use the phone at that time, the number wasnt stored with any name but i can tell because of the profile picture on watsapp. When i got a hold of the phone moments later, message has been deleted. She knew i probably have seen the message and she never said anything about it and i havent asked. But within me, am not a happy person, this is someone i was falling out of love with for trust issues and trying to give another try thinking she would change with the fact that we have a baby together. I dont know how he could have got her number because she changed her phone number when she was away. I dont know what kind of communication a lady would have with her ex and delete for no one to see. Its so hard to determine what shes up to, I dont love her the way i used to and i know shes not the right one for me. We just seem to be together for the sake of the baby and she is good at crying and swearing about loving me for real whenever there is an issue. I am so lost and unhappy. Pls advise me on what to do.


Sorry this has happened, but you married a ho and got duped into the marriage yoyo.

DNA the kid. 
File for Divorce. 
Seek 50 custody. Only communicate about child and only through email. 
Disconnect, look up the 180-, eat the gym, eat well and all that jazz. 


Good luck. 

She will never change. She's a ho, she was when you were dating her, she is when you are married to her. 

A ho is gonna ho. Nothing you can do. Move on.


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

ONE OF THE MOMENTS BEFORE GETTING MARRIED AND WHY I BROKE UP WITH HER

JAYCEE:
Hws wrk
HER
Not bad
HER:
No stress 
JAYCEE:

HER:
Have u had lunch?
JAYCEE:
Ate rice b
JAYCEE:
Nd u?
HER:
P haven't yet, will go soon, though I'm not hungry
HER:
Had lemon tea in the office
JAYCEE:
Ok
HER:
Gimmi good news 
JAYCEE:
Baby wt time r u closin
HER:
No idea b
HER:
Maybe 19:00
JAYCEE:
Ok b
HER:
Any news frm the guy?
JAYCEE:
Waiting to see som1 else at 8pm who can decide wats goin to happen
HER:
Ok
HER:
Just finished from work
HER:
U home?
HER:
am going to my place tonight, will come tomorrow.
JAYCEE:
Not home
JAYCEE:
Key is at d door
HER:
Figured u might have taken the key with u
HER:
I left with the 8 pm bus
JAYCEE:
Wat r u goin to do at ur place
JAYCEE:
Ok no p
HER:
Nothing, u said u were going to meet that person by 8, u didn't respond fast when I sent the bb msg, didn't want to come all the way and not find the key.. Decided to take the bus instead
HER:
8pm bus
JAYCEE:
Wy do u tink I'll take d key wen I knw I mite nt b home wen u r done
JAYCEE:
Its ok, Ơ̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡ u tmrw
HER:
Thought maybe u might have left in a hurry and took the key...
HER:
Ai.. Been a long time ..Even the bed sheets smell like dust here.
JAYCEE:
Just got home too, gdnyt
HER:
Call disconnected
HER:
Are u there?
JAYCEE:
Yea
JAYCEE:
Ntwrk is bad whr u r
HER:
Im walking to the compound
HER:
Went to the shop nearby to buy. Some snacks, nothing to eat in the house, shop @ compound is closed
JAYCEE:
K
HER:
Got samosas
HER:
And doughnuts
JAYCEE:
Ok
HER:
almost home...lol, its realy windy outside
JAYCEE:
Yea it is
HER:
Have u had dinner?
JAYCEE:
Yea,
JAYCEE:
Medicines
HER:
What medicines, are u sick?
JAYCEE:
Yea migraine
HER:
Ok, sorry b, get well soon
JAYCEE:
I'll b fine
HER:
Ok
JAYCEE:
Dey asked me to pay a fine 
HER:
What??
HER:
Are u sure u are ok? I can come over if u need someone to talk to...
JAYCEE:
Am fine, I needed, bt u chose to b at ur place
HER:
I'm comn
JAYCEE:
No, its quite late already
JAYCEE:
Am fine
HER:
I'm tryin to call a cab
HER:
I didn't choose to , I thought maybe I would come and not find the key,
HER:
M home
JAYCEE:
Its ok
JAYCEE:
I undrstnd
HER:
Already called a cab
JAYCEE:
:x
HER:
What if u don't pay, what happens
JAYCEE:
D fine is to avoid d process of goin to court
HER:
Ok
HER:
Cab guy says he is almost here
JAYCEE:
U shldnt av stressed anyways
HER:
Do u think I'm stressing?
HER:
Ok.. Wanted to be there for u
HER:
Its ok, I'll ask him to go back
JAYCEE:
Ur choice, anything convenient
JAYCEE:
Whr r u
JAYCEE:
?
HER:
I chose to sleep
JAYCEE:
Lol , ok gdnyt
HER:
Nite
HER:
3-|
JAYCEE:
I pray one day, u'll stop lieing n be straightforward person
HER:
Wht are u taking abt
JAYCEE:
Am nt surprised
HER:
Ok
HER:
I pray that one day u would tell me, I need u tonight... Come home. An extra key would be polite too
JAYCEE:
Never will I ask som1 to b thr for me wen am down, whoever tink am worth it will b thr for me and if no one, God is.
HER:
ok.

JAYCEE:
One last time, whr r u? or Whr were u
HER:
Since u won't give me a key to ur house.. Let me ask.. Why??
JAYCEE:
Enjoy
HER:
Thank you
HER:
See u on friday?
JAYCEE:
U are at a bar and lied that in a shop, was that why u hanged up the call and said it got disconnected
JAYCEE:
Wat kind of person r u
JAYCEE:
I dint giv u my keys? U dare say that?
HER:
A bad one
HER:
I was wih humphry, hes like a brother and colleague
HER:
And today u need to tell u who tells u where I I'm, I did it intentionally
HER:
Where I I'm and what I'm up to.. Either someone tells u or u hack In to my phone
HER:
PING!!!

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER, SHE SHOWED UP, SMELLING OF ALCOHOL, JUMPED ON THE BED AND SLEPT OFF.


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## Jaycee12 (Apr 28, 2014)

AFTER FEW WEEKS, THEN THIS

HER:
Hi, Just to tell you. I missed my periods and am preg
ME:
Come home, you know where i live to tsalk
ME
I cn never deny if u r prEgnant wit evidences that am responsible
HER:
Glad to hear that

(2HOURS LATER )

ME:i DONT WANT TO BELIEVE 
HER:
What don't u want to believe
ME:
As long as u r happy... U r so predictable... So its him again. S******ka
ME:

ME:
‎munch_2013_06_08_210314.png ‪(51.83 KB)‬, someone just saw both of you drinking at a bar
ME:
God works in wonders
HER:
You said I'm not good enough for you to marry
ME:
U can do better than that, well
HER:
Thanks
HER:
What did u tell my mother.
HER:
She is shouting at me on the phone
HER:
Seriously
HER:
Why would u tell my mum something like that
HER:
U. Are embarrasing me
ME:
Its in ur blood, you can never change. You are with a man and telling me you are pregnant, you have no shame or fear of God
ME:
I Hope d kiss was good dis time too

SHE CAME CRYING, BEGGING IN THE NAME OF GOD WITH LOTS OF EXCUSES RANGING FROM SHE WAS WORRIED AND NEEDED TO TALK TO SOMEONE AND HAVE A DRINK BLA BLA BLA


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

At least poly her.

She's a repeat offender. You want to reform her? Then leave her forever. She has a plan B to fall back on- you. Take that away, she'll reform or crash and burn. Leaving is necessary for you too as your kid needs a parent who's right in the head.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You don't love her and she doesn't love you. 

It's okay to move on and your baby can grow up and have two happy families.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_I dont love her the way i used to and i know shes not the right one for me._

Jaycee, you answered your own question in your original post. All the rest is just noise.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Philat said:


> _I dont love her the way i used to and i know shes not the right one for me._
> 
> Jaycee, you answered your own question in your original post. All the rest is just noise.


:iagree:


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