# Feeling a little lost--someone talk me of the edge



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey guys,

So, despite being back in the dating field, I've been in contact with my most recent ex-boyfriend as well. This is the pot smoking guy who I've posted about before. So anyways, things with our friendship or whatever you want to call it came to a head this weekend, and he cut contact. I know I should feel grateful, but it feels like I've lost a limb. Despite all the crap he put me through, I really did care for the guy and genuinely wanted to stay friends with him. During the course of our relationship/friendship/FWB/whatever the hell it was, he gave me a couple of electronics, which I used to have plans of returning to him, but he stated he didn't want them; they're gifts and I should keep them. I've decided to keep them, as they're a small price for him to pay for all of the crap. I also have a cookbook of his that I genuinely don't want. I was thinking of writing him a letter explaining how I felt about things as they unfolded, and slipping it in the book that I'd like to get back to him. We haven't seen each other or actually spoken to each other since January; all of our communication is done over text, and really, all I had wanted was for us to sit down and actually talk. Have a good heart to heart. He's terrible with communication though. 

Anyways, I'm rambling, and my thoughts are all over the place. I've spent a bit of time crying because I'll genuinely miss the guy, but part of me is thankful that I no longer have to deal with the mess. Part of me though, really wanted him to come onto me again so that I could turn him down. He beat me to the punch, again. He's always had the upper hand, and I wanted it just once. So thoughts, is the letter a terrible idea or do you think it might be worth writing?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ursula, I think the letter IS a terrible idea. YOU may want to write it, but I wouldn't send it to him.
If you don't want the cookbook, donate it to a library. Don't keep yourself in this drama -- you deserve WAY more than this guy (and you WILL find someone just for you -- just be patient and don't push so hard -- it will come).
Process your feelings for this guy -- cry, rage, scream, howl at the moon, but then move on. He just isn't for you and you will eventually realize it. Look at all the negatives in your post:

"This is the pot smoking guy"
" all the crap he put me through"
"as they're a small price for him to pay for all of the crap"
"He's terrible with communication though. "

I know you cared for him -- but LOOK at what you wrote. You KNOW he wasn't for you and that you shouldn't be with him.
Again, take your time. You WILL find someone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I know, and I'm not worried about finding someone anymore. If it's meant to be, it will be, if not, I'm OK on my own. Not great, but OK. I know, he treated me horribly after he broke up with me back in August, then he kept me in limbo: not really wanting to be with me, but he didn't want me to be with anyone else either. So, I put my life on hold for him for 7 months, waiting for him to stop waffling. But, the waffling continued, and I was left broken hearted not once, not twice but FOUR times by him. I just kept going back for more, and I don't know why. He's a charming ******, and I was head over heels. And now I want waffles on top of everything, but am eating keto to drop some pounds for an upcoming vacation, so I'm having damned eggs for supper.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get yourself in shape, forget about him and look forward to your vacation.
REALLY sorry you got your heart broken - it happens to all of us, but hopefully now you've realized he ISN'T good for you and won't let it happen again.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

It hurts, and it'll be like withdrawal for a couple of weeks, but if you can just stand firm and love yourself more than him, you'll be good.

:x


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Sorry honey. Donate the cook book to a library.

Do NOT write the letter.

Don't give him ANOTHER last laugh.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Don't give him ANOTHER last laugh.


Point taken. In all of this, I hadn't thought that he was sitting back and having a good laugh at my expense. What an a$$hat.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Well, people get away with you allow them to get away with, so I wouldn't spend a lot of time blaming him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sweetheart, you are too nice and valuable a person to be hurting so much.

You need to be you but only let other nice and valuable people in your life and heart.

Send him a nice "no hard feelings" card with some delicious homemade cookies......laced with laxatives.....


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Well, people get away with you allow them to get away with, so I wouldn't spend a lot of time blaming him.


Oh no, he deserves to share some of the blame as well. Was I an angel? Not at times, no, and I've owned up to and apologized for my part; he has not, and he thinks he's blameless. 
@ConanHub, laxatives... I love it! I'm not going to do it, but I get a kick out of the idea


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't remain friends (or whatever) with someone you still care about when they don't care about you. Had you kept no contact seven months ago you would in all likelihood be over him now. As it is, the hurt is still raw and you're paying the price. 

No letter. Throw the cookbook away. Want to stop feeling bad? Take your power back. Block him this time and make yourself move on.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

What I meant was that, if it were me, I wouldn't waste time blaming him.

It doesn't really matter anymore what he did or didn't do. 

As someone who's very guilty of ruminating, I understand that it doesn't make anything better.





Ursula said:


> Oh no, he deserves to share some of the blame as well. Was I an angel? Not at times, no, and I've owned up to and apologized for my part; he has not, and he thinks he's blameless.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry he wasn't what you hoped for. Don't beat yourself up about whether you got the upper hand or any of that. Did you kill anyone? Still have all 10 fingers? Then count yourself wiser, remember the good parts and keep being the positive person you are.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ursula said:


> Oh no, he deserves to share some of the blame as well. Was I an angel? Not at times, no, and I've owned up to and apologized for my part; he has not, and he thinks he's blameless.
> 
> @ConanHub, laxatives... I love it! I'm not going to do it, but I get a kick out of the idea


I just hope you got a grin out of it.:wink2:


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> I just hope you got a grin out of it.:wink2:


I sure did!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Ursula the letter may give you some sort of closure but take it from me,he won’t give two ****s about it. 
You know he was playing you and that’s down to him. 
You kept going back for more and unfortunately, that’s down to you. 
Go on your vacation and have a great time,maybe even a ons (or two lol) if that floats your boat, but stop wasting time crying over someone that isn’t worth pissing on. 
And burn the book.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> @Ursula the letter may give you some sort of closure but take it from me,he won’t give two ****s about it.
> You know he was playing you and that’s down to him.
> You kept going back for more and unfortunately, that’s down to you.
> Go on your vacation and have a great time,maybe even a ons (or two lol) if that floats your boat, but stop wasting time crying over someone that isn’t worth pissing on.
> And burn the book.


I was thinking that same thing about the letter giving me some sort of closure since I won’t get it from him. I know he won’t care about what I have to say, and honestly, I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m 100% at fault for everything that went wrong. Yes, he played me and yes that’s his fault; I allowed him to, and that’s my fault. As to the vacay, it’ll be great, but there’ll be no ONS’s. Burning the book sounds cathartic, but I could probably use it to change up my keto routine. Speaking of which, I made it down to 134 lbs, so just 4 more to go for this vacation… 10 more for my backpacking vacay in September!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

No letter, no contact at all. Block him at every possible communication portal. He did you the HUGEST of favors here! The trash took itself out!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think writing the letter could be an invitation to more drama. What if he contacts you to hash things out? There you are right back on the drama train with him, not going anywhere positive. Forget about him, he's a total waste of your time and energy.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

If it's over, it's over. He likely won't even open the letter. I don't - straight into the trash can.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ursula, just checking on you today -- how are you feeling?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You need to get rid of the cookbook, electronics, and anything else he gave you. They are too emotionally charged. Keeping them means you're keeping a part of him with you and you'll think of him every time you see those items. Get rid of them and make a clean break.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It is hard to lose someone from your life, even if having him did bring a lot of angst. I'm not saying it's no big deal and to shrug it off, just saying don't worry about getting even or who "won". 

If you aren't sure what you want in your next relationship or if you want to change what you do in it, consider seeing a counsellor. If you're thinking "But there's nothing wrong with me", no, there isn't. And there wasn't anything wrong with me when I paid a retirement counsellor to go over my finances, talk about what I wanted to do, and how he thought I could get there.

I'm not saying you NEED to do this, it just sounds like the whole thing was really upsetting and maybe the next ride doesn't need to be as bumpy.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Ursula, just checking on you today -- how are you feeling?


Doing really well over here, thanks for checking in 

For some reason, I have a couple friends who were posting some things on Facebook over the last couple days that hit home and helped me. A video about "not everyone you lose is a loss" by Jay Shetty, a photo with the message " A strong woman doesn't seek revenge. She moves on and lets karma do her dirty work" and an article about attracting toxic men, in which I saw myself in Every. Single. Paragraph.

So, it's time to make some changes! I'm becoming more focussed on what makes me tick as an individual, how I want to be treated in a relationship, what I won't tolerate, and will be working on not being so damn nice. Nice is good, too nice makes someone a doormat for a lot of crap. I have another date lined up with someone on Friday; we really hit it off last weekend, and things are starting to look up a little in that department. Plus, there are a couple vacations lined up that I'm really looking forward to! 2019 will be a good one


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ursula said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> So, despite being back in the dating field, I've been in contact with my most recent ex-boyfriend as well. This is the pot smoking guy who I've posted about before. So anyways, things with our friendship or whatever you want to call it came to a head this weekend, and he cut contact. I know I should feel grateful, but it feels like I've lost a limb. Despite all the crap he put me through, I really did care for the guy and genuinely wanted to stay friends with him. During the course of our relationship/friendship/FWB/whatever the hell it was, he gave me a couple of electronics, which I used to have plans of returning to him, but he stated he didn't want them; they're gifts and I should keep them. I've decided to keep them, as they're a small price for him to pay for all of the crap. I also have a cookbook of his that I genuinely don't want. I was thinking of writing him a letter explaining how I felt about things as they unfolded, and slipping it in the book that I'd like to get back to him. We haven't seen each other or actually spoken to each other since January; all of our communication is done over text, and really, all I had wanted was for us to sit down and actually talk. Have a good heart to heart. He's terrible with communication though.
> 
> Anyways, I'm rambling, and my thoughts are all over the place. I've spent a bit of time crying because I'll genuinely miss the guy, but part of me is thankful that I no longer have to deal with the mess. Part of me though, really wanted him to come onto me again so that I could turn him down. He beat me to the punch, again. He's always had the upper hand, and I wanted it just once. So thoughts, is the letter a terrible idea or do you think it might be worth writing?


You don't miss him. What you do miss is the him he could never be due to the drug use.

You want him to be the guy on the left, but now he can only be the guy on the right:-









He's probably nowhere near like the guy in these pictures, but I hope you get my point?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I get your point Matt, and yeah, I miss what could've been, not what was in fact there. He's still a good guy, but he needs to pull his head out of his @$$, or learn to look past his own nose.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I haven't read any replies.

Let him go.

He won't care about anything you wrote in that letter. He just doesn't care. Period. End of story. 

I know you're hurt. And I'm sorry.

But you have GOT to let him go. Keep the cookbook and electronics. Stop thinking of ways to see him or communicate with him again. He isn't worth it.

Let him go!!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

If you don't like that he always has the upper hand, definitely don't send him the letter. He has cut things off without asking what you were thinking/feeling. No matter how emotionally handicapped he is, that screams "i don't care." Sending him an unsolicited explanation of your motives and emotions screams "I care and I wish you cared." 

If you would find writing the letter cathartic, write it then shred it or burn it or put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean (Unless that's littering?).

Someday you really will not care about explaining yourself to him because you'll be in a much better situation in your life and you'll realize he was broken and thank God you're not responsible for repairing him! 

BTW, my ex was horrible with communication. Horrible. One time when we were dating I wrote him a letter about things that were concerning me. He didn't read it for about 3 months because "he was scared" of what it might say. (Yes, I kept dating him during that time, and later married him. sigh.) I was seeing a therapist who said "He. doesn't. care. about. you." And I just thought -- but I'm awesome and I'm so good to him, how could he not. He'll come around... Now I realize if he cared about me he would have been too curious to not read the letter right away.

I really wish we had the internet and sites like TAM back then!


Ursula said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> So, despite being back in the dating field, I've been in contact with my most recent ex-boyfriend as well. This is the pot smoking guy who I've posted about before. So anyways, things with our friendship or whatever you want to call it came to a head this weekend, and he cut contact. I know I should feel grateful, but it feels like I've lost a limb. Despite all the crap he put me through, I really did care for the guy and genuinely wanted to stay friends with him. During the course of our relationship/friendship/FWB/whatever the hell it was, he gave me a couple of electronics, which I used to have plans of returning to him, but he stated he didn't want them; they're gifts and I should keep them. I've decided to keep them, as they're a small price for him to pay for all of the crap. I also have a cookbook of his that I genuinely don't want. I was thinking of writing him a letter explaining how I felt about things as they unfolded, and slipping it in the book that I'd like to get back to him. We haven't seen each other or actually spoken to each other since January; all of our communication is done over text, and really, all I had wanted was for us to sit down and actually talk. Have a good heart to heart. He's terrible with communication though.
> 
> Anyways, I'm rambling, and my thoughts are all over the place. I've spent a bit of time crying because I'll genuinely miss the guy, but part of me is thankful that I no longer have to deal with the mess. Part of me though, really wanted him to come onto me again so that I could turn him down. He beat me to the punch, again. He's always had the upper hand, and I wanted it just once. So thoughts, is the letter a terrible idea or do you think it might be worth writing?


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## Sue4473 (May 29, 2018)

Ursula- it’s so hard. Believe me, I know. Maybe not to your extent but I know it’s hard to let go, but you deserve better. I’m trying to do the same. Hang in there!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> Sending him an unsolicited explanation of your motives and emotions screams "I care and I wish you cared."


Along with "I'm so desperately desperate!!! Please throw me another crumb!!!"
@Ursula, honey I promise you two things will happen if you send this letter.

1 - He won't give a rats patootie

2 - You WILL look back and cringe that you sent it

These types are the hardest to break away from. The ONLY way to do it is to block them at every turn. All of your social media, your phone, your email. Everything.

Get rid of the electronics and the cookbook. Throw them in the bin, donate them, line your kitty litter with the book, I don't care but get rid of them TODAY. 

Now, get your sassy back girl - get those bags packed and get ready for that holiday!!!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I hear ya, it is not easy but think what is good for you. What is it that interests you? What can you seek out for yourself that you have been wanting to do? Create new memories, open yourself to new possibilities.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> So, despite being back in the dating field, I've been in contact with my most recent ex-boyfriend as well. This is the pot smoking guy who I've posted about before. So anyways, things with our friendship or whatever you want to call it came to a head this weekend, and he cut contact. I know I should feel grateful, but it feels like I've lost a limb. Despite all the crap he put me through, I really did care for the guy and genuinely wanted to stay friends with him. During the course of our relationship/friendship/FWB/whatever the hell it was, he gave me a couple of electronics, which I used to have plans of returning to him, but he stated he didn't want them; they're gifts and I should keep them. I've decided to keep them, as they're a small price for him to pay for all of the crap. I also have a cookbook of his that I genuinely don't want. I was thinking of writing him a letter explaining how I felt about things as they unfolded, and slipping it in the book that I'd like to get back to him. We haven't seen each other or actually spoken to each other since January; all of our communication is done over text, and really, all I had wanted was for us to sit down and actually talk. Have a good heart to heart. He's terrible with communication though.
> 
> Anyways, I'm rambling, and my thoughts are all over the place. I've spent a bit of time crying because I'll genuinely miss the guy, but part of me is thankful that I no longer have to deal with the mess. Part of me though, really wanted him to come onto me again so that I could turn him down. He beat me to the punch, again. He's always had the upper hand, and I wanted it just once. So thoughts, is the letter a terrible idea or do you think it might be worth writing?


I think you are looking for a way to maintain contact with him. These are excuses to reach out to him, you can donate the cookbook if you don't want the reminder of him. A very hard lesson I've had to learn is that if someone wants to talk to you, then they will. If they don't want to talk you, they won't. Writing him a heartfelt letter about your feels is just giving him the upper hand yet again.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

When folks say "Let Go", they mean totally, no letter, no false hopes, no if only. NEVER expect him to be 'the one.' Never. You've had a hard time doing this. If he texted you tomorrow, do not respond! You were crazy about him, expected more than he could or ever would offer. There is a reason y'all didn't make it--likely several reasons. Sorry for your pain. You deserve some one who wants you or whatever God's plan is for your life...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I’m sorry, I guess I wasn’t clear enough in my last post, but I’m spending some time working on myself, have gotten back out there, and have a date lined up with a man who seems very sweet. We had spent quite some time communicating online, and have been out together once. He’s different, and our past marriage situations were much the same. He seems open and honest, and doesn’t seem to sugarcoat or hide anything. So far, anyways! Who knows, he could be the master of disguise, but spending more time with him and getting to know him will either confirm that or not.

The last contact that I had with my ex was Monday, and since then, I honestly have zero desire to contact him. He didn’t treat me very nicely at times, and had even told me once that he hadn’t apologized to me because he didn’t feel like he had anything to apologize for. Nice, nice man… 

I’m unsure about keeping what he gave me, but I do use them. I’ll figure it out. To be honest, when I plug in the google chrome to watch Grey’s Anatomy, I don’t think of him when I do that. I’m thinking more like “yesss, I get to sit down with my pups and watch one of my favourite shows!” I also won’t be sending him a letter, and probably won’t be writing one either; I’m done with the situation, and I’m OK with it.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this!


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