# Lots of questions



## Konfusion (Jan 7, 2013)

I want to describe the situation I am in ( I don't intend to turn this into a wife bashing post but it might come across this way)

Married, 16 years. Im in my 40s now. 3 kids (2 are adopted and gone, a third ours and 13). I am physically separated, but this is due to work. I don't even live in the same part of the country. In the last 6 months, I have seen "home" 3 times. That included one week over Christmas. 

The first 4 or 5 years were "ok", but the last 10 got progressively worse each year. To the point the last 3 were just miserable. We slept in different rooms. I can count the number of times she voluntarily gave me a hug first since 2001 (exactly 4 times).

What has hurt or bothered me the most, some of the following have been going on for years:

She has evolved into a mean person. (Im taking damn mean!) I say that with reservation because I didn't remember her like she is now. She has anger issues with a lot of people. She has been on anti-depressants as long as we have been married. She hates my side of the family. 

She has selective memory, especially about money and what she thinks she has told me. Several times over the years she has bought big ticket items or purchased expensive services and didn't provide a lot of detail. I've tried to see things as she does, never cramped her about money, but recently she disclosed something that was never made clear of and tried to say she told me before. I know for a fact this was not the case. 

About two years ago, I was having a hard time at work. The pressure was overwhelming being the economy was in the tank. I nearly had a nervous breakdown at home one night, I couldn't control how bad I felt. She found me sitting out back and claimed it was the diet I was on, and that I needed to start eating again. She didn't sit down and talk or anything, she almost seemed aggravated. (I did lose 40 lbs in 3 months and started to feel better). It was this point the light bulb went off. I felt alone. 

She has openly stated my hobbies are "stupid". 

You could go through our house 6 months ago and not know I lived there. Any personal item I had was in a closet or boxed up in the basement. 

She never wants to do anything. Well, I should say she claims she can't, but she won't make time or says she doesn't feel good. 

Countless times I've tried to talk to her about many things, and it seems like there is always an interruption, or she just gets pissed. Our conversation were seemingly always interrupted. The phone rings and she's gone for an half hour talking to whoever and smoking. 

I gave up tobacco a few years go and offered help so she could quit. She still smoked a carton a week. 

I admit I am lonely and vulnerable. Not for physical intimacy, but just someone to talk and do things with. I've been out many times - solo. I enjoy getting out and I have met some single women I like - a lot. But of course when my status is revealed they kinda move on. In six months I have met two, who I would consider spending a lot of time with if the opportunity presents itself. Mostly I would just do things with anyone that comes along. I always had lots of people I knew back home. 


Questions now:
I regret getting married. I question now if I even loved her when I did. Is this normal to feel this way?

I feel guilty although I have never had an affair or EA. Is this normal?

I do not miss "home" at all. Not for a second. I am scared of what she will do should I introduce the topic of divorce. I am more worried about how number 3 son will be impacted. I really would just stick it out for the next 4 years if I knew it would be easier for him. Does anyone NOT split up because of the kids?

I don't know what to do. In my state there is no mandatory separation with kids involved. I was seeing a professional and she said the forced geographical separation would help me realize some things without having to go through the formality or lead into a divorce just yet. Please ask any questions you have as that seems to help me "see" things I miss.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Konfusion said:


> Questions now:
> I regret getting married. I question now if I even loved her when I did. Is this normal to feel this way?


Yes it's normal. Most people regret getting married and they question whether they ever loved their spouse even though they probably did at one time. There's a reason that the divorce rate is rapidly approaching 60% and many of the remaining "intact" 40% are only together "for finances" or "for the kids" or more likely because one or both parties are afraid to start their lives all over again on their own.



Konfusion said:


> I feel guilty although I have never had an affair or EA. Is this normal?


Yes it's normal to feel guilty about reneging on a promise you once made to a person you once loved. Give yourself a pat on the back for having the decency to feel bad about what you know you're going to do.



Konfusion said:


> Does anyone NOT split up because of the kids?


Yes but it's counterproductive.


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## Konfusion (Jan 7, 2013)

Well thanks, you confirmed some of what my gut thinks. You hit the nail in the head for question one. 

What is counter productive if I choose to just deal with the misery?

The counselor I was seeing wanted to start seeing #3 son BEFORE anything went forward. That was her suggestion/request, as the little guy has lost two older siblings who moved out and he didn't take either leaving well at all. She was concerned he would have a tougher time adjusting in this case because of the finality. (She is hard enough to get a time with so it's not like she needs to fill an appt) 

I have searched and argued with myself for a reason to stay married. I can't find one other than financial and the kid reason, even trying to be objective. I'll be 50 in 5 years so the clock is almost ticking.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Konfusion,

I would start moving forward with dissolving what little bit of a marriage you have left.

Get the child to the therapist ASAP and go from there


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