# don't know what to do



## Boggled (Jan 28, 2016)

Found out my wife was having an affair with a friend of mine. I'm not sure what to do.
We are all in our mid 40's
We have 4 kids, he is married w 3 kids
one of my kids is special needs
We are part a larger group of friends that is together weekly and goes on trips together
the flirting has been going on for a while and got sexual 4 months ago
She does have feelings for him.
I've told her she can not communicate with him on any level and she agreed
We are going to marriage counseling as soon as we can
Our marriage has been having difficulties lately
I'd like to see the marriage work but don't know what to do about him or seeing him in groups of friends or his wife or what's going to happen to our kids.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to ensure they have no contact (NC) of any kind. You are too early to get into marriage counseling. You both will need individual counseling. You probably need to face the fact that there is a high probability of a divorce in your future. Sooner than later, you should consult an attorney (don't let your W know) and see where you stand.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does everyone know?

His wife needs to know and, as hard as it is, you all need to go no contact with OM.

Your wife and him destroyed that relationship while destroying their marriages and families.

Also. There needs to be total transparency by your wife. She also needs to do some heavy work to repair the damage her foolish behavior has caused her family.

You might have had marital problems but she just nuked everything by screwing your "friend".

She needs IC as well as the MC you are going to.
You would probably benefit from IC as well. You don't have a chance unless she is absolutely remorseful and committed to working her ass off to save the marriage she just crapped on. If she isn't all in, you need to divorce her. She will either cheat again or simply make your life hellishly painful for as long as you live.
Make sure the MC is experienced with infidelity and won't blame you.

You have responsibility for the state of your marriage.

You had nothing to do with your wife helping to destroy two families for some cheap sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boggled (Jan 28, 2016)

what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


If telling the wife of your wife's lover destroys your marriage, so be it. If she (OMW - other mans wife) doesn't know, you will have a hard time ensuring NC. You don't have to tell everyone, but for sure the OMW and, if it were me, your wife parents and your parents, like yesterday. 

At this point, you need to accept that losing your marriage is a strong possibility and that trying to save the marriage at all costs may end up hurting you and your kids worse than divorce will.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


Tell her. NOW


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


Of course you tell his wife! She will help to monitor the two of them and ensure they can't sneak behind your back and get together any more. 

Plus she deserves to know.

You don't have to tell 'everyone,' but I'm sure once you tell his wife, it will probably get around to the rest of the group. As it should, so they can all also help ensure the two are never alone together again. That's called a consequence.

Any fallout from this is on your wife and him.

I don't understand, though. You think that if you tell 'everyone,' you will lose your marriage. Why is that? Did your wife threaten to divorce you if you told?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Boggled,

Any shame that falls on your W and the OM is deserved by them, and will ensure no further contact. Affairs thrive on secrecy and once exposed it causes conflict between the cheaters. The likely effect on the OM is that he will recommit to his marriage throw your W under the bus and claim it was only for sex. 

The OM rejecting your WW will be emotionally devastating to your WW, but it is needed to break the addiction she has to OM.

You or the other family may need to move away.

Track down the OMs facebook, linkedin, family, friends and church contacts, send out a simple and accurate letter detailing that he and your W have had a sexual affair. Send out all the emails at the same time without warning or threats.

Tamat


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

His wife has a right to know. It's her life that you are deciding if you fail to tell her. She should be the one to decide whether she stays with a cheating H or not. Why would you make a decision like that for her? It's not right.

The two of them have done tremendous damage and now there are no good outcomes for you, only the best of the bad. In my opinion, being honest and honorable is part of the best of the bad, so tell his wife now. Don't tell your wife that you are doing it. Just let the OMW know.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Boggled said:


> I'd like to see the marriage work but don't know what to do about him or seeing him in groups of friends or his wife or what's going to happen to our kids.


Read the advice your given by posters and then read it again

Bottom line is you can take what you want from the advice to fit in with what you want...but remember if everyone 
is saying x and you think I want y.....I would be worried

As far as this so called friend goes...HES HISTORY you and your wife never ever have contact with him again...period


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

*The quickest way to make sure an affair is stopped is to expose it*

You make think its stopped...read the threads on this board about how many times the poster thought it had stopped

And do not forwarn her


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

You and especially she must never see her AP again. Your social group is now broken. Your wife and boner-boy broke it. It's on them.

If you owe anything to the rest of the group it is to let them know of the snake(s) in their midst.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

1) Verify she has cut off all contact. Use a VAR (voice activated recorder) velcroed under the front seat of her car. Put a tracking program in her phone. GPS if necessary to track her. 

2) Have her call the OM (other man) with you present and tell him they are through and that he is to no longer contact her in any way shape or form. 

3) Call OM's wife or girlfriend and tell her what's up if she has not already been told. 

4) Protect your money. Go to the bank and have your paycheck routed to a new checking account in your name only. Take out one-half of any joint savings and put that in an account in your name only...preferably at another bank. 

5) See to your health. Go to the doctor, you and your WW (wayward wife), and get full STD workups done to make sure this prick didn't give you the clap or worse.

6) Lawyer up. Go see a divorce lawyer for a free consultation. Arm yourself with knowledge. Find out what your rights as a father and husband are. Go see 3 lawyers actually and choose one you like. You don't have to file for a divorce yet, but having a lawyer in the wings and knowing what you will be going up against if you do divorce will give you strength. 

7) Get her story. Have your WW write out a full length timeline of when the affair started, how many times, where they met, what they did...complete. 

8) No more lying. Take the kids to grandma's for a night and then get with her alone. Sit her down and tell her to tell you everything. Everything. Tell her she has this one opportunity to come clean, that you are not sure if you want to divorce, but if you find out she is lying or not telling you the whole truth (trickle-truthing or "TT") then you will file for D and the marriage is definitely over. 

9) See to your own health and well being. Eat good food. If you cannot keep food down go and buy protein drink and consume that. Don't let yourself get run down. Exercise, work out and lift weights. Get some sleep. Go to your doctor, tell him what happened and that you need help sleeping. He can prescribe you some sleep aid or anxiety medication. 

10) Counseling? Have your wife go to individual counseling first, with a pro-marriage counselor who will help her get to the core of the reason she has crap for boundaries and gave herself permission to cheat. Go to counseling for yourself with a counselor who specializes in trauma and PTSD to help you cope with the pain. Hold off on marriage counseling until you have determined whether your wife is fully in or not. Taking her to joint MC is worthless if she is still in the affair. 

11) TAKE YOUR TIME!!!! Do not make any decisions about your future now. Take the time to absorb, hurt and heal a bit from your devastation before you go making any decisions about the marriage. Tell your WW not to ask you what you want to do. You are not in any good frame of mind to be making decisions now. 

12) You do not have to forgive her. Not yet.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


You have to risk losing your marriage to save it. That is one of the first rules of breaking up an affair. 

If your wife is willing to leave you for exposing the truth, then she does not love you anyway, and the marriage is a sham.

Do not let your WW blackmail you into silence. The OM's wife has a right to know what they did. Your wife's family and your family have a right to know that the two of you may be divorcing and why.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> 1) Verify she has cut off all contact. Use a VAR (voice activated recorder) velcroed under the front seat of her car. Put a tracking program in her phone. GPS if necessary to track her.
> 
> 2) Have her call the OM (other man) with you present and tell him they are through and that he is to no longer contact her in any way shape or form.
> 
> ...


There you go a printable script

ignore it at your peril

Its hard, its nasty but head up and step up its not just you that will suffer if you don't handle this *strongly*


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


Never let anyone have leverage on you 

YOU WILL LOOSE YOUR MARRAGE IF YOU KEEP QUIET 

H*ll I bet some of your so called friends knew 

Blow this up and stop it the om will drop your wife to try to keep his marriage dont be a fool ask around on how to do this right 

Talk to a lawyer know your rights 

Never be plan b remember give no leverage you give her devorce papers if she trys to plan b you like it sounds now


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


Expose the affair; his wife deserves to know.

At the same time, if the lack of exposure is the only thing keeping your wife in your marriage, you've already lost her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> if the lack of exposure is the only thing keeping your wife in your marriage, you've already lost her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This^ x1000 if this is the case dont give her time to devorce you on her terms


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


If you lose your marriage over telling his wife you don't have a marriage to lose. They should have thought of the consequeces before having an affair. Plus a lot of the time if there are no sonsequeces the affair will start back up. It becomes an addiction. Especially if they have contact. You had better end all contact immediately if you want to try and salvage this. Are you that affraid of her/him????

Your wife and friend have no respect for you. Being weak and timid at this time will get you nothing but less respect. 

You did nothing to deserve this. They both need to own what they've done.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

you jump right into reconciliation? Why?

You should be asking yourself if you can live with this long term. If you can't you're wasting your time?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Most importantly, to repeat, your wife must think you are on the verge of dumping her. 

Believe nothing she is telling you. Cheaters quickly learn to lie as easily as falling out of bed.

Check the phone text bills etc. to see if they have been communicating and how long.

Four months? How long has the marriage been rocky? Usually, marriages go sour when the affair starts and gets worse the longer it goes on.

How did you catch them?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I agree tell the OM wife as soon as possible, and confront other man as well. 

Do not rug sweep this affair, that will not help your marriage at all. We all know it is hard there are so many different emotions going on at the same time, that it becomes hard to think. Please read all the advice from the posters here, you do not have to accept it all but you will walk away with some great advice and a group of people that will be here to help you through the struggle.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


And what if your not really your friend has been seeing other women, too? Which is very likely, to be honest.

And what happens if he gives your wife, his wife and you a STD, or HIV?

This is potentially a health issue. You, your wife and his wife must be tested for STDs/HIV *ASAP*.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

What the hell is happening to men in this country? 
You want to salvage your marriage to a wife that was having sex for at least the past 4 months with a family "friend." What a total betrayal. Come home dripping from sexual escapade and then kiss you hello with lips that were you know where. Whoever she was in the past, she's now a lying, scheming... Betraying her husband, her children, and her friends. 

Don't tell us about her being a good mother either. She risked her 4 kids stability to have sex with a "friend." I don't know what it is with woman with kids that have special needs. I've read so many threads on TAM, SI, and especially LS of women with kids with special needs betraying their husbands, putting their children's already shaky situation into further jeopardy. These a truly vile women. 

Also how the hell are you able to control yourself from not crushing this POS. He gets to use your wife like a free prostitute for 4 months then hang out with you like he's your buddy and you're afraid to confront him and expose to his wife? Do you realize that WWs enthusiastically give their affair partners EVERYTHING on the menu. You want this guy to have had your wife's best and get off scot-free? 

You need to know that trying to nice your wife back will back fire. Consistently the BHs who rug sweep and become nice& needy get replayed out or endure a reconciliation that is pure hell with a wife that is cold as ice. The men who blow everything to h3ll usually have remorseful wives begging for a 2nd chance.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jsmart said:


> What the hell is happening to men in this country?
> You want to salvage your marriage to a wife that was having sex for at least the past 4 months with a family "friend." What a total betrayal. Come home dripping from sexual escapade and then kiss you hello with lips that were you know where. Whoever she was in the past, she's now a lying, scheming... Betraying her husband, her children, and her friends.
> 
> Don't tell us about her being a good mother either. She risked her 4 kids stability to have sex with a "friend." I don't know what it is with woman with kids that have special needs. I've read so many threads on TAM, SI, and especially LS of women with kids with special needs betraying their husbands, putting their children's already shaky situation into further jeopardy. These a truly vile women.
> ...


Low T levels in this country resulting in weak willed, helpless men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


So your cheating wife stabs you in the back..and now.she is blackmailing you to keep you mouth shut?

Boy is this ever a set up to happen again.

Just to remind you.....Bad behavior continues with out consequences!


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Low T levels in this country resulting in weak willed, helpless men.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Low t aside, just willingly playing the fool and how how big a sh*t sandwich you can eat before you say enough is baffling to my mind

I would think the first thought would be to hulk smash or maybe celebrate depending on how good or bad the marriage was but no its almost if I dont kiss her a55 and clean the creampie she will leave me again and again post after post

I would love to see how some guys buy a car it would be telling

My oldest turned 16 a year ago we went car shoping and we seen a Grand National outside we were looking at it, a salesman (call him buck) comes over and tells us its his and not for sale and talks about ten minutes about it. We move on to a ranger with 300k on it clean inside and out a old man owned it, and bucky told us he wanted 5k for it I asked him "If the 5k includes driving his GN home and screwing his wife" he got POed and I told him if I was going to get screwed I was going to screw him too 

Was it right say probably not but the thing is most guys would think it and not say it and still get mad and leave the lot and yet they kowtow to the wayward wife like she is lord humungus 

Aaron Tippin said it best "you got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything / You've got to be your own man not a puppet on a string / Never compromise what's right and uphold your family name / You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything"


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


If you keep the affair silent, you become part of the secrets, lies, filth and deceit. If she is making keeping it a secret a requirement of reconciliation, than the affair is probably not over and she is not remorseful. She is more interested in appearances then truth and honesty. Is this something you think you can keep a secret? What about when you see the other man or his wife at the grocery store or a restaurant? Do you want him to get off scot free for something he knowingly did to you, his friend? If you are truly a friend to his wife, you should let her know what the 'love of her life' has been up to. Your wife should accompany you to tell his wife what has been going on or at least call her on speakerphone. Your wife cannot begin to face what she has done and truly change until she sees the consequences of her actions. _She_ is not in charge right now, _you_ are, if she doesn't consent to tell the wife, you should be the one to threaten divorce. You are the one wronged here, not her.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Boggled said:


> what about the friends wife. I either tell everyone and loose my marriage or don't and try to save it


You don't have to tell EVERYONE. Just tell the ex-friend's wife.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

My husband betrayed me & the agony is unimaginable isn't it? It effects every aspect of your life. My self esteem is in the toilet. I've lost my reality. To begin with I was in a state of shock. I didn't sleep or eat for the longest time. I was spinning out of control. Shattered. Broken. Lost.

I realized that I've invested 26 years in this relationship. I DON'T have to make huge life changing descisions immediately. You want reconciliation? That's your prerogative...just as realizing in 6 months or even 6 years that you can't take it it's your right to divorce. 

You know your wife, your marriage. Only you can decide what's best for you & your FAMILY.

In my situation exposing my H to family would of made life impossible for reconciliation. I'm NOT with the majority. I don't think that airing dirty laundry Facebook wide is for me at all. IF I choose to divorce then everyone will need to know why but reconciliation is different for all of us, I think. 

BUT you really do NEED to tell his wife. Human decency is my main reason!! It's the right thing to do in EVERY possible way. Would you want her to tell you if she knew & you didn't? BOTH of you need to keep an eye on them. Your friendship is completely & utterly over! Please do the right thing. 
She's probably already loosing her mind, knowing that somethings very, very wrong but not knowing. 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I've experienced a lot in my life. Adultery is by far the hardest, most painful, crippling thing ever. Don't expect too much of yourself. You have all the time you need to decide what's best. 
If your story follows the 'script' of nearly every affair I've ever heard of you don't know half of it yet! It's called 'Trickle Truth'. I didn't believe it when people told me to investigate....I learnt that the affair had been going on much longer & was far more emotionally invested than I believed. 

Until you know everything you can't make informed choices. Until you know how your wife is going to work towards reconciliation you don't know. Until you've been through the stages of grieving you don't know.

Try to take care of yourself. I needed a little medicinal help with the anxiety & chronic panic attacks, see your doc if you need to.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

BrokenLady sorry to hear about your marriage I know I shouldn't say but I do think its way harder for a women to face it than a man as I would think the options aren't as straight forward

sorry for thread jack


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

First thing you need to do is to Expose your wife Affair. Tell your family and your close friends.

If some of them "blames" you for exposing or something like that,then you know they are not your true firends.

Second thing-tell this to OMs wife. She deserves to know.

Third thing- what is your wife doing to show you she is sorry and she loves you ? 

Did they have sex in your own home ? Did she do things with him she never let you ? 

No contact means no contact at all. If OM still sticks together with one of your friends and see your wife from time to time then call it quits.

Stay strong.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

how did you find out? 

How many times has she been with the OM?

has she done things with him that she would not do with you?

Be sure and expose, that is the only to "save" your marriage.

How do you know she has not taken the A underground?

Tell the OM's wife now. Go see your attorney and see what your options might be. Maybe your cheating spouse would like it if you had an A? How would she feel.

You will not nice her out of it. Show her the D papers.

Has she been tested for stds?

is she pregnant? Did she use protection?

Have you had DNA tests on your kids? this might not be her first rodeo and if she says 4 months, it could be 4 years.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Expose the affair to his wife. Iits the only way to guarantee they will not meet up. Additionally exposing the affair will isolate him from the group as most men wont want him around their wives for fear he will scr...ew them as well.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Boggled

I'm sure you are overwhelmed right now.

But heed the advice given here.

Expose the affair to the other mans wife.

Kill the affair.

Then you can decide how tix the marriage if your wife is remorseful.

How did you find out about the affair?

HM


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Boggled, no doubt your wife has given you the river of tears treatment. She's said how sorry she is and how much she loves you. It was a terrible mistake. She has said that to destroy their marriage would be wrong. Think about their three children. What good would it do to destroy their family. She could never stay with you if you exposed her affair. It would show you to be a cruel man. The embarrassment would be too much for her. Is this about right? Did you get some, most, all of this?

I was in a restaurant several months ago. In the booth behind me a man and a woman were talking. It was apparent they were coworkers and were having an affair. The woman was saying how she told her husband exactly the things I said in the previous paragraph. AND THEY WERE LAUGHING! The wife was commenting about how gullible her husband was. How he'd never leave her because he'd never survive without her. How she really wasn't that good of an actress, he just was so desperate to believe her that he bought her bullshyt.

Just some food for thought Boggled.

Oh and by the way as I left the restaurant I stopped at their table, got out my cell phone, took a few pictures and said "your husband says hello." Then bolted out got in my truck and drove away. To this day I don't know what happened to them but I pray that her husband had an awakening and took care of business. Will you take care of your business?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

bfree said:


> The woman was saying how she told her husband exactly the things I said in the previous paragraph. AND THEY WERE LAUGHING! The wife was commenting about how gullible her husband was. How he'd never leave her because he'd never survive without her. How she really wasn't that good of an actress, he just was so desperate to believe her that he bought her bullshyt.


This is way more typical than most let themselves believe.


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