# Lasting for too long?



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

There have been a lot of issues in my relationship relating to my inability to climax quickly. 

It reinforces her insecurities, she says; she thinks it means she's not attractive enough, etc. 
I've just never been able to climax consistently quickly. Not when I was masturbating as a youngster, not when I was first having sex, not now.

I scaled back masturbation to once a week, then to once a month...no change. 

She began making comments...not spitefully but growing in urgency and disappointment: "Are you going to finish soon? Do you think you'll finish at all this time?" Then she gets upset and uncomfortable afterwards. So I've really just stopped approaching her for it. 

Is there anyone else with this problem? Is it possible to train yourself to go quicker?


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

You've got the opposite problem compared to me. I finish too fast. I wish I had some of your "stamina" to keep the fun going a little longer.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

It sounds to me like she needs to be more understanding,have you talked with her about your history?

I think she needs to prime the pump a while lot more before the intercourse starts [HJ/Bj]go get some good lube and have her use it until you are close then start the intercourse.

If she really wants to help tell her she can experiment on you so she can think of ways to help you climax quicker,it a no lose fun thing to try.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tough to orgasm with a selfish bi*ch.

resentnent build up might be at hand here.

as I get older I need a desirous attitude or I ain't getting there.just haveing sex without any desire to please me back just don't work for me.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm the same way, it takes me a long time to climax (much longer than my wife would like). Any negative comments from your W will just make the process take a lot longer.

The big trick for me is to think about things I find sexy in my mind once my wife is done. Any negativity from my W will set me way back, and at times just makes me give up finishing. Lots of times I just walk away and don't bother climaxing if I've had 30-60 minutes of intercourse and post intercourse masturbation.

For me I've found once I get past a certain amount of time, odds are it won't happen. It will feel great, but I just won't climax that time. Best to just wait and try again later.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Are you through yet? Tell her it has nothing to do with her attractiveness, and mention that it takes just as long when you are by yourself.

Orgasms are controlled by sexy thoughts in the brain. Are you tired from taking too long to get her there? Does it help if you go first? 

If you worry too much about it happening, you will delay the pleasure. I would just relax, and let it take as long as it takes. Everyone is different, and there is no one right way to experience orgasm.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Don't try to argue with her because she'll just keep pushing her stance and continue to feel insecure. If you can't get off then don't! You do not have to ejaculate every time.... you'll orgasm even harder if you save it for a day or few days.

I went through a case of bad DE with my wife. Often times we would cheer when I could finish, but most of the time I just faked it to make her feel better. I eventually cured it by using a fleshlight and limiting myself to either 10-20min or not at all. Your brain can rewire it's self and you can fix this but it takes time and patience.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Same issue here. My ex was as yours is. "Are you finished yet?" Or, when asked why we didn't have sex, she said "you take too long". (This one my wife laughs about..."is there such a thing as a guy taking too long?!! No problem here!")

Some women tend to think all guys are teenagers, and can just put it in without being warmed up, and get off almost instantly. Just not so, especially once we get older. I'm that type. And, like with my ex, when she would not even touch me before hand to get me warmed up, it took a long time, or not at all. Nothing worse than being on the verge and hearing the *sigh*, or being asked if you're almost there. From a woman who apparently had an aversion to penises. In the 3 years of that short marriage, I can only recall her twice touching me with her hands, and one bj. Not too hard to see why she's my ex.

We spend plenty of time on each other before we start that. Another thing we do is I will masturbate while I use the head to stimulate her clitorous. The more excited she gets, the more excited I get. When she is on the verge of orgasm, I stop that, insert for intercourse, and she gets a long, drawn out very intense orgasm almost immediately that lasts a good 2 minutes. (This is her new favorite thing for me to do to her.) Such a turn on to see her virtually out of control like that. I'm really close at this point, and keep going. She'll have another one or two in the span of the next few minutes, and by then I'm so turned on by her writhing in bed I can't take it anymore. Whole process takes about 10 minutes.

Every once in a while, it is fast from a "cold start" for me, but most of the time just not so. Find ways to warm up first, and that will help a lot. And it's a lot of fun! Then again, sometimes so are the marathon 30 or 45 minute lovemaking sessions where we cycle through all the positions! She wants both. I'm happy to oblige!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Is she lubed enough? Maybe you're rubbing her raw...

She could still have some couth about it


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> I'm the same way, it takes me a long time to climax (much longer than my wife would like). Any negative comments from your W will just make the process take a lot longer.
> 
> The big trick for me is to think about things I find sexy in my mind once my wife is done. Any negativity from my W will set me way back, and at times just makes me give up finishing. Lots of times I just walk away and don't bother climaxing if I've had 30-60 minutes of intercourse and post intercourse masturbation.
> 
> For me I've found once I get past a certain amount of time, odds are it won't happen. It will feel great, but I just won't climax that time. Best to just wait and try again later.


So you know what it feels like to be a woman, eh? LOL.

Seriously though, the advice above is exactly what I have to do myself to get there. For me it is really a mental thing, I have to be in the zone mentally or else it just ain't happening. Any pressure - percieved or real - and I might as well forget about it because I can't relax after that.

Have you tried anything to relax? Not sexually related just in general, like meditation or laying in a quiet room etc. I find that I am most easily able to get in the zone with my husband when I am laying quietly in bed, either just about to fall asleep or just woken up and the normal intrusive thoughts of the day haven't started.

Wont help if she is pushy or pressuring you tho.

I will give her the benefit of the doubt and say that she probably is truly naive and does not mean to be selfish or nasty as you may think. This is not a problem that every woman will run into in her life. I think it's safe to say 90% of women will have at least one sexual encounter where a guy finishes too quickly but don't think its out of the realm of possibility that she may never encounter a man who takes too long. Talk to her, tell her the comments make you feel like crap. Women often have a problem keeping their mouths shut, especially when it comes to looking for reassurance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Is she lubed enough? Maybe you're rubbing her raw...
> 
> She could still have some couth about it


Agreed. If she isn't lubed enough, it can get very painful after a while. My ex husband didn't like to use lube, and after many times of being rubbed raw, I got annoyed, because it hurt and he didn't seem to give a crap.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Guys, I really appreciate the help. 

There are some occasional terse exchanges on this board, but, all-in-all, this might be the place on the web with the most people who are actually interested in helping each other. I really appreciate it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Agreed. If she isn't lubed enough, it can get very painful after a while. My ex husband didn't like to use lube, and after many times of being rubbed raw, I got annoyed, because it hurt and he didn't seem to give a crap.


YES! And then for DAYS it's chaffed and sore and the man is like, "What :scratchhead:"

lol. Seriously.


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## mamap1 (Apr 29, 2012)

SHe is a woman and woman need to hear how you feel about them or they will assume something else. She probally thinks your not turned on by her that she is unattratctive and million other insecure feelings. Tell her that even when you masterbate it just takes you a longer time too.. and that it is in no way her.. tell her she is pretty, sexy and turns you on.. show her that she turns you on and encourage her to just enjoy the longer sex sessions with you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> YES! And then for DAYS it's chaffed and sore and the man is like, "What :scratchhead:"
> 
> lol. Seriously.


Haha, yup. And then just as you're all healed up, it happens AGAIN. Yeah, I think I spoke quite impatiently to my ex husband, a few times on the matter.

And of course, it didn't work so /facepalm


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I think it's safe to say 90% of women will have at least one sexual encounter where a guy finishes too quickly but don't think its out of the realm of possibility that she may never encounter a man who takes too long.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I did get this out of her: she says she's been with 2 other men; an ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend. [The usual thing to do with these sorts of numbers is double them, right?] 

She says she doesn't understand that it could just take me a long time, because the men she's slept with got off every time, and fairly quickly. 

She gets off about 70% of the time, if I were to put a number on it. 

She has really, really deep insecurity issues.
And now I'm getting them :/. Past girlfriends have liked me sexually. Current one is more hung up on what she sees as a big problem that makes her feel insecure about her body. Now I guess I feel undesired.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

There is no such thing as too long.... it should last as long as it takes...period. H lasts a loooooong time, all the time... and we both enjoy every second of it, every move, every position, every wet squishy sound... ALL the moments of the love-making are wonderfully, sexy. I can't imagine how someone doesn't want it to last. 

For her to say "are you done yet?" implies that she isn't into it (obviously)... but I'd think there are ways to help her be more into it? One thing we just added to our fun, is H behind me, standing on the side of the bed...and he squirted the lube on my back and gave me a back massage while sliding in and out..... omg, heaven. I can't imagine anyone not wanting that to go on all nite. 

H says, "why would anyone want something this good to be hurried?"

So research what you can do to work on yourself, train yourself (somehow) to orgasm quicker....AND "train" her to enjoy it no matter how long it lasts.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> There is no such thing as too long....


There is if there's pain. Happens for my wife pretty quickly after climax most of the time.... so yeah it can last too long.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> There is no such thing as too long.... it should last as long as it takes...period. H lasts a loooooong time, all the time... and we both enjoy every second of it, every move, every position, every wet squishy sound... ALL the moments of the love-making are wonderfully, sexy. I can't imagine how someone doesn't want it to last.
> 
> For her to say "are you done yet?" implies that she isn't into it (obviously)... but I'd think there are ways to help her be more into it? One thing we just added to our fun, is H behind me, standing on the side of the bed...and he squirted the lube on my back and gave me a back massage while sliding in and out..... omg, heaven. I can't imagine anyone not wanting that to go on all nite.
> 
> ...



Thanks, Sunny.

The "are you almost done"-type comments usually happen after she's finished. It honestly might be the drying out that others have mentioned.

She can be selfish in a lot of ways, but I don't detect that in this context; she just comes across as really insecure and hurt that I don't find her 'sexy enough.'

Again, I always thought of it as a positive beforehand too. And I always thought of myself as very attuned to my partners' (3 girls before) desires. 

She honestly doesn't seem to even care that much, if at all, about her own sexual satisfaction. She gets off, as a I said, most of the time but is really preoccupied with me cumming quickly. She has said on multiple occasions that she doesn't understand why her girlfriends want a guy who can last because it would "just be so hot for a guy to be unable to control himself" and get off in twenty seconds. 



I usually give (gave?) long massages beforehand. Never thought of doing so during the act! Hmm.
Thanks for the advice, Sunny.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I get what she means about it being hot for a guy to be unable to control himself. Once is awhile H has a surprise O, then feels bad like he robbed me of all that sexy time. It is hot both ways!

So keep the lube going...and amp up the sex talk during sex.....


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Okay.
One other thing I forgot to mention: when I asked her, a few times, what she likes (during the act) she would say things like "For you to provide for me", "For you to give me a good lifestyle." And I would say: "But I mean sexually" and she would just say "that doesn't really matter."

When she orgasms(orgasmed), she would usually clench her teeth and say, in a pleading way, "don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me."

[I'm pretty sure she's a borderline; hence the fear of abandonment (and the anger, but that's another story). I know people say to not get involved with borderlines unless you only find out once you're married, but I just love her so much :-?]


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

SoWhat said:


> There have been a lot of issues in my relationship relating to my inability to climax quickly.
> 
> It reinforces her insecurities, she says; she thinks it means she's not attractive enough, etc.
> I've just never been able to climax consistently quickly. Not when I was masturbating as a youngster, not when I was first having sex, not now.
> ...


I'm like this, I rarely finish before my wife, sometimes I finish with her. My endurance has never been an issue though. She's never taken it as a sign of her attractiveness or performance in bed. There has been times though when she's giving me a HJ/BJ and she gets a little frustrated that I'm taking too long - which gives me performance anxiety and only makes it worse. But that's it - rarely during intercourse. 
Honestly, this is the first time I have EVER heard of this. Its obviously an insecurity issue.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Effess: she stopped volunteering to give me BJs when I told her I didn't think I could get off from getting one.

I explained that I still loved the feeling, and how good it made me feel that she was willing to give me one, and how hot she looked when she did. But she took it as an indictment of her performance and looks, I think. 

She'll still give me some of that if I ask, but I just feel bad asking now. 

Thanks for the feedback!


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> There have been a lot of issues in my relationship relating to my inability to climax quickly.
> 
> It reinforces her insecurities, she says; she thinks it means she's not attractive enough, etc.
> I've just never been able to climax consistently quickly. Not when I was masturbating as a youngster, not when I was first having sex, not now.
> ...


I am in your same boat. What made the problem worse for me was she too would make comments and it made the problem worse. It was a viscious circle.

What helped me for a time was talking to her about it, both about her comments and how she was interacting with me. When she matched my aggression in bed I didnt last very long.

It helped me anyways.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

I have this problem every now and then. Getting older has a little to do with it. Men start to loose some sensitivity as they age. If we make love several nights in the same week it can do that to me. I also take some meds that can cause it. I need to make sure I take them earlier in the day so theyn don't cause a problem. 
It usually doesn't bother her as much as me. I start getting tired and I will have to finish another way sometimes, or not even worry about finishing at all. Luckily it doesn't happen to often.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mamap1 said:


> SHe is a woman and woman need to hear how you feel about them or they will assume something else. She probally thinks your not turned on by her that she is unattratctive and million other insecure feelings. Tell her that even when you masterbate it just takes you a longer time too.. and that it is in no way her.. *tell her she is pretty, sexy and turns you on.. show her that she turns you on and encourage her to just enjoy the longer sex sessions with you.*


Yes, this...talk to her while you have sex and tell her how turned on you are. A little dirty talk might help both of you enjoy it more.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

norajane said:


> Yes, this...talk to her while you have sex and tell her how turned on you are. A little dirty talk might help both of you enjoy it more.


Make sure she's comfortable with it in advance. If she's very reserved it might make things worse.

I will say that when my wife is really into it, those are the only times I manage to climax in the first 5 minutes or so.


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