# Visitation proposal during separation...



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

so my WH is being a **** about visitation. He is demanding, springing it on me the last minute, not telling me what time he is going to bring them back unless I threaten not to have them here to be picked up, is slow to agree that OW won't be there, and now he is pulling this holiday crap. 
So here is what I am going to propose to my attorney today. I am going to assume the 17 year old can do what she wants when she wants. 

For the 11 and 12 year old (since he cannot have them overnight), he can have Xmas eve from noon until 7:30 pm... the girls are adamant they want to come home in the evening and stay here overnight with me and on Xmas day. I will have Xmas day. 

For regular visitation, I am going to propose every Tuesday from after school until 9 pm. He will be responsible for gettting them from school and to their activities ON TIME, making sure they eat and do their homework before they come home. I have no idea how he will do this as he can't take them home and he isn't coming here, but that is his issue to work out (you know his choices put him in that situation). Then he can have every other Saturday from 12 to 5:30 pm. 

Common arrangement in my state is one weekday afternoon and an overnight every other weekend. But how can I have him do an overnight under the circumstances that he is living with the OW one month after dday. 



He is probably going to be pissed but him living with his OW is really making this tough.. what do you guys think?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As someone who has never been through what you are going through, your proposal seems fair to me. He's damn lucky to see the kids at all. If he doesn't like it, he should consult with the head in his pants since it made all of the recent decisions.

Sorry you are going through this crap.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Lisa you should formalise this legally then he cannot play these power games with you. In the interim draw up a schedule that works for you and your children, give it to him and keep to that schedule until a legal one is in place . You can and must include in the legal wording that the OW not be near your children, this is done often and is enforceable. Your husband will be required to sign the forms and may object , if he does, play hard and force your schedule if he fails to keep to the schedule then don't send the children until he does or it is enforced by law.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

How do you actually enforce this thing in any separation/child custody agreement that the child cannot be around the OW/OM? What if the child is too young to tell or what if the ex spouses live in different states?


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

I filed for divorce, I put a "best interest of child" clause in there and some state call it a "morality clause" and it states neither party can bring another person around the child unless it is a long term committed relationship and discussed and agreed upon by both parties. He agreed to it, lets see what happens when we actually divorce (court date should be in a few weeks).

Not sure about your circumstance, I know my WS cheated more then once but he does love his kids and is they love him. I try to make sure he has as much time with them as possible. Even though your proposal seems fair, if in the same state/town would you consider more hours then just 11 in a week?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Lisa you should formalise this legally then he cannot play these power games with you. In the interim draw up a schedule that works for you and your children, give it to him and keep to that schedule until a legal one is in place . You can and must include in the legal wording that the OW not be near your children, this is done often and is enforceable. Your husband will be required to sign the forms and may object , if he does, play hard and force your schedule if he fails to keep to the schedule then don't send the children until he does or it is enforced by law.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am in the process of doing this... I am stunned how the no fault divorce laws in my state give him SO many rights even after all he has done.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

fool for love said:


> I filed for divorce, I put a "best interest of child" clause in there and some state call it a "morality clause" and it states neither party can bring another person around the child unless it is a long term committed relationship and discussed and agreed upon by both parties. He agreed to it, lets see what happens when we actually divorce (court date should be in a few weeks).
> 
> Not sure about your circumstance, I know my WS cheated more then once but he does love his kids and is they love him. I try to make sure he has as much time with them as possible. Even though your proposal seems fair, if in the same state/town would you consider more hours then just 11 in a week?


If he had an appropriate living arrangement, without the OW, then yes, he could have overnights... but being as he left us one month ago and moved in with her, her sort of tied his own hands on that one.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> If he had an appropriate living arrangement, without the OW, then yes, he could have overnights... but being as he left us one month ago and moved in with her, her sort of tied his own hands on that one.


What's best for your kids?

You are pissed off at your H for what he did to you. Rightfully so. But don't confuse your anger at him, with actions that may affect your kids even more. And make a bad situation .... worse.

Unless your H is a deadbeat dad... your kids need him as much as they need you. Now, more than even.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Lisa:

How are you doing? I'm sure others here would like to know as well. We ask because we care.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I would say you are right for not allowing the children to spend overnights with him. You don't want them to be even more confused than they already are. 

I'm going through a seperation that started with divorce, but is legally in the process of being changed to seperation...my children started attaching themselves to anyone of the opposite sex and asking for a new daddy.

Its confusing for children to see thier parents with anohter person and I'm sure hurts them


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I am hanging in there... I am grappling with the unfairness of all of it. I guess I was hoping after all he'd done to us, he'd have some sympathy that I am lonely... he has his live in girlfriend when he doesn't have the kids, I have nobody. 

If he didn't live with her, I wouldn't have an issue with overnights at his place, but that is not the case.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Do you feel that it will honestly harm them to stay overnight or are you just pissed that she is the other woman?
It is the former then keep up what you are doing because you believe it is the right thing to do. If it is the latter than you need to give in on this because you are using your children as a wepon and it should never be done.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> Do you feel that it will honestly harm them to stay overnight or are you just pissed that she is the other woman?
> It is the former then keep up what you are doing because you believe it is the right thing to do. If it is the latter than you need to give in on this because you are using your children as a wepon and it should never be done.


The former... SIX weeks ago, we were an intact family. It is simply not good for them at this point in time... we are still married and I feel strongly they shouldn't see their father in this relationship right now. So far, he agrees.


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