# Need help and Advice PLEASE!!



## Jamiebhb (Nov 11, 2012)

I don't know wether this is the right forum or section. Sorry if this confuses anyone.
My name is jamie and My wife and I had been together for 5 years, 3 of which we were married. We have been separated now since july of 2011. There were a lot of factors that went into this, but in the end, it was a cluster of promiscuous and unfortunate "episodes". We had never had a disappointing sexual life, or really even problems being happy together. Now a little about her.
Shes now 23, I'm 26. She never knew her father and I'm well aware of what "daddy issues" can lead to and that her problems are in some way due to that. Her mother was an alcoholic for 23 years and she hardly knows her half brother. She has no other family. She was close to her mother, but her mother kind of had the same problem. being beat or in a very bad relationship so her mother raised her that all men are scumbags. When I came into the picture, she had already had a 2 year old boy(had when she was 15). wasn't really active in his life, even though he lived with her. Anyways, when we started dating, she slowly was radically changing into such an amazing person. We didn't struggle with any of this for years. Our biggest struggles, were that I had to play the "fatherly" role in her life to get her to do stuff. I never hit her or anything, but because Im so passionate about things, I unfortunately was verbally abusive, due to her lack of trying to for instance, get a job, or get her GED, or anything to better her own life. Finally after we married, she got pregnant, I left during the entire pregnancy, as we agreed upon not to get away, but to save money and get a newer and better job, as our position in NY was less than desirable for a new family. Needless to say, this haunted her. She thought I was never coming back, which I did. When My beautiful son was born, we moved to south carolina away from her very sick mother, whom I'm sorry to say died later that year. Me and her mother were close, but it was apparent to me that there was nothing for my wife there that could giver the advantage to move forward in life. Anyways we moved in with my parents til we got on our feet. I went back to school and she got her GED and finished school and became an opthalmic technician. A successful one I might add. She was bigger from the pregnancy which didnt bother me cause I loved her. This bothered her tremendously. Anyways, we moved into our own place and the downfall began. She worked all the time. I took care of the kids and when shed come home Id go to work. Eventually, we resented each other cause we never spent any quality time together and after a while, we didnt even try. Then through doubts and suspicions things started happening with her..after 7 months of this my stepson was sent back to NY with his Dad and I took my son and left. She continued binge drinking, staying up all night. Shacking up with anybody male or female. It was stressful. She didnt see our son for a solid month and a half. she was shameful but didnt stop. Eventually she settled with a guy that already had a girlfriend. she knew and didnt care due to her promiscuous mind. I eventually stopped caring and moved on. I tried dating and meeting people, but it wasn't helpful and I almost immediately would find a reason or quality that was bad and leave them . even if it wasnt that bad of a quality. My standards increased 10fold. About 6 months later I decided, without thinking, to ask my wife out for her birthday. She was ecstatic and said yes immediately, but was still dating this other guy. I said I wouldnt do it unless she told him that we were going out for dinner. It wasn't a ploy for anything or even that i had motive for this dinner. She refused to tell him so I said sorry Im not doing it. About 2 weeks after her birthday she called me out of the blue and told me she still loves me has always loved me and she wants to figure out what she wants to do. I obliged as she told me she needed a few weeks to figure it out. By the way this lasted for 4 and a half months. She talked to me almost everyday, then our son's birthday came around and a couple days before she broke up with him, teling him to leave his other girl or she was gone.(this was a month after she told me.)anyways this continued. She would continue to see him physically and text him back and forth with I love you and I miss you. She would tell me though,m that she does love me and doesnt wanna lose me and shes trying to figure it out. I became so suspicious that I did some bad things. Nothing of which Im proud of or had malicious intent. I stalked her electronic devices to find out what was going on. When I found out I confronted her and she continued to lie until one day I told her to spill her guts and if she lied Id know and she can get up and go away and never come back. She proceeded to tell me about a guy she had recently went on a date with, as well as lied to me about her continuing relationship with this other guy she had broken up with. I called her out until she confessed and told me shed fix it. She instead of completely breaking it off continued to see him and tried to get ahold of his other girl to get her to break up with him. Anyways, we pretty much were both irritated with one another until she took me out to a theme park for my birthday. just me and her. She held my hand, kissed me we had a great time. We got home she told me it was over ill prove it to you solidly in a couple of days that she knew that she wanted to be with me. I was excited and said ok. So a week later nothing had happened and I got fed up..especially after I had found out through her friend that she was talking to him that week atleast one day. She told me before she could tell him her text messages reached its limit and deleted. a little convenient for me to accept. I told her she had 5 days to figure it out. I wasnt talking to her or having any contact in any way. She had until a particular day at a particular time and that was it. the very next day She had tried to get this guy to come back to her place to do the deed. and after that as far as i know..it was over. he didnt come over nothing else happened..after 2 days she contacted me trying to hang out with me and because i love her and i love being around her..i did. We hung out all weekend..when the time came, she came to me and said I want you back lets do it Im gonna change my phone number tonight and never have contact with him again. I said ok, she did and for the next month and a half we were together, completely in bliss. One minor problem, she was afraid to have sex with me. we talked about it and after about a week that issue was more than dead. We didnt spend every waking minute together but communicated in detail with each other all the time and spent alot of time with our son. About a week ago she had thoughts about this other guy and kept quiet about it. it supposedly went away and then came back and haunted her for 2 days unitl she broke down and messaged him via facebook to tell him how he ruined her life and he was a jerk. She was avoiding me and acting weird around me during these 2 days and Im so wise to the ways she acts that I knew something was going on. so I dug and Dug and sure enough had found out she messaged him. I asked her why, she didnt wanna tell me..she beat around the bush until finally she told me and then for the next few days she avoided me.I told her that what I was concerned with is that she has and has had problems that she needs to deal with and repressing it wont help. She came to me yesterday and said she had a plan..that we she should keep our relationship with each other light and go to marriage counselling and both get individual help, which I already do and have for a little over a month now. I told her the only way it would work is if she can tell me anything. be open and honest about her feelings. I want to trust her, but when she acts shady, it makes my mind wonder, as it should, due to the past, but she claims she would have told me and i never gave her the chance, which i think is a copout. I told her the truth about what I knew all that I knew and how I found out for the sake of being honest and telling her I wouldnt feel that way if shed be open with me. She said she felt "naked" and exposed and she didnt want me to look at her. today she apologized to me for everything and she still wants to get help, but my problem here is I love her. no one could convince me otherwise. And I dont need anyone to tell me that she loves me cause you cant truly fake that feeling. Im a professional interrogator..understanding body language and how people operate is my job. I understand why she does the things she does. and she pleads with me that she wants to work through it and figure out how to get past her problems as well as me doing the same for myself. Ive agreed to all of this and I truly think its a good idea..I just feel so helpless that I can see the good in her, as well as the bad, but especially the good and all she does is feel miserable aboput herself and represses it. I want her to be able to deal with it in a healthy way. I want her to get back to the happy person she was and theres not a doubt in my mind that we cant do it together. I know she wants to but Im trying to not only understand her personality, but also understand maybe some ways of her dealing with her daddy issues as well as her need for promiscuity..It hurts me to see her suffer or hurt in anyway and I wish I could just absorb it all so she wouldnt have to, but I realize I cant solve the problem she has to and moreso she has to want to. which again, I know she does. its that fear of "what if it doesn't work?" and the misery and depression that clouds her judgement and makes her think, "what's the point?"
Like I said, I know she still loves me, and I would sacrifice anything to make it work. No matter how weak I look or how much less of a man I look. It's that important to me and I refuse to give up. luckily our child does not see us argue nor does he witness us together holding hands or kissing or hugging, on purpose. We dont want to lead our child into a certain belief and god forbid, it doesn't work. if anyone can relate or knows of ways to help or certain activities or anything that may help her with her behaviors aside from just marriage counselling, as well as, any advice. I'd be more than greatful. The only thing I ask, is I've already been told to cut it loose and move on and no matter how much I'm told I KNOW we can work through anything together. If love is there and the need to be together which Im certain both of those are there. I know anything can be acheived. Thank you for listening to my incredibly long rant.


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## xena74 (May 5, 2012)

Jaimie, thanks for sharing and being very detailed, it helps to have the whole picture sometimes. 

It may be imaturity from her age, but it sounds like she may have a mental health issue? Borderline personality comes to mind from the things you have said. I think not only should you both be in MC, but she needs to be seen by the Dr. and diagnosed. Maybe it's just depression from the hard life/childhood she had. 

I think what your doing in front of your son is very smart. Not to get his hopes up that you two will reconcile until you know its gonna last.

Good luck two you, come back and let us know how its going. Sometimes people just need to rant to total strangers to help them deal with whats going on. Thats what were here for! lol

PS..You may not get alot of replies simply because it's hard to read when you don't break up your paragraphes when it's a long post. Just a thought.


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