# Where I am at, what has happened since and what do I do now?



## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

So I kicked him out since I found out he lied for 4 weeks about the extent of everything. He swore up and down he didn't sleep with her but he did. He left for a week and then my daughter started asking questions (she is 4 and was told he went away for work). He came back and has been sleeping in the office.

Just to give you an idea of where he is at. This is all what he 'says' and because I don't trust a work he 'says' I don't really know what the truth is.
He is begging. He says he is sorry beyond words and seeing the hurt and pain I am going through is killing him. What he did had 'nothing to do with me' and he is in love with me and always has been. What he did seems detached from reality and he liked the attention. He says he will do anything to make it right and wants us to have our life together back. Although he says he wants nothing other than me and my daughter he also said if I served him divorce papers he would sign them and give me what ever I want (including the $17,000 we have saved for the house we were going to buy next year - what ever I need for my daughter and spousal that is fair to me. He even said that he would cosign a house because he knows I have worked so hard to give my daughter a home and he doesn't want to take that away from us no matter what happens). I asked him if he would fight for me and he said he will but if I serve him and that is what I want/need to be happy again he won't fight it.

I have reserved the right to make no decisions. I am not in a clear state of mind to make life altering decisions for my daughter right now. I am still trying desperately to crawl out of this dark place. It doesn't seem to be getting any better, if not worse. It is all I ever think about. It consumes me and I am very alone in this. He was my best friend and my greatest place of safety and comfort. I tell him how I feel but I don't trust him with my heart and my feelings.

I have sought legal advice to keep my options open and know the reality of everything. 

I have asked the following of him:
Deactivate his facebook - which he did immediately
Give me his smart phone- Which he did right then
Allow me to password lock both of our computers - Which I did 
Have both his personal and work email forward incoming emails to me and provide me with passwords as they change (ie: work log in) - He did.
Tell his family via a lengthy email which I was to proof read making sure he didn't sugar coat anything and make it appear to be anything but him being unfaithful to his wife - He did the next day
Write a letter to the OW in his own writing and have it hand delivered to her door - He has written it. (This was mainly because of the overwhelming feeling of jealousy that she got to feel so incredibly special in all of this. Like he had chosen her over me and he wanted her more - which he says was/is not true. I wanted him to outline in the letter that and also that allowing it to happen is also her fault and that because of that she is a ****ty person).
Attend IC immediately (I made this request the day after I found out) - He has but didn't make that move until after I had kicked him out almost 5 weeks later when I found out he was lying more.
Get STD tested and provide me with a paper copy (Also made this request the day after I found out but didn't know he had slept with her) - It took him 3 weeks as he still maintained he had not slept with her but did get it done before I found out he had slept with her. He says the results were negative and I will have a paper copy this evening.



Despite his overwhelming attempt to do anything to make this better and that it is obvious I love my husband I am still not sure what to do. I thought at some my heart or head would kick in and lead me in the direction I need to take but I have no idea what to do. At some points I don't think I can go on and I want out even tho I am terrified of being alone (without him) and destroying my daughters life. Moments later I grieve my best friend and the love, safety and life I had with him and I want it back so bad. We were planning on buying a house - something we have fought and worked SO hard for. We having been trying to have another baby since the traumatic loss we had (little did I know he had a girlfriend the entire time).

Sometimes I think the worst part is that this is not him. I can honestly say I didn't see this coming in a MILLION years. My husband is/was the kindest, gentlest, most devoted husband and father. He made me feel that we were his life, his soul, the only importance in the world. He is easy going, simple and a home body. I have almost been married for 9 years to someone I don't even know. If anything was more unfair than the other - it would be that I have been deceived about who he is as a person. There is so many lies and dishonesty. I don't even believe him when he says he loves me and always has. I am afraid he is scared and doing what he thinks he has too. I am scared he will do it again. I am SO scared he will just up and leave before I have chance to wrap my head around this.

How long will I not know what to do? I feel like the answer is staring me in the face but I am too stunned to see it.


I just want my life back.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Hi terrified, I find myself in a similar situation as you. Most of us here has and I am sorry that you are going through this. All I could say while reading was wow.
I am no expert as I need guidence myself but there are things that he has done to help you through this and try to trust him that my husband has not ie: 
Write a letter to the OW in his own writing and have it hand delivered to her door - He has written it. (This was mainly because of the overwhelming feeling of jealousy that she got to feel so incredibly special in all of this. Like he had chosen her over me and he wanted her more - which he says was/is not true. I wanted him to outline in the letter that and also that allowing it to happen is also her fault and that because of that she is a ****ty person).
You are giving yourself time and that's the main thing.

I know you feel like this pain has been going on forever but it has only been 5wks so don't rush your thoughts, feelings or decision.
My husband to was all those things and it surprised me ten fold.
Just make sure you are doing th best thing for you and your daughter. The amount of pain you are feeling does lessen, in time.
Good luck and again I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

terrified said:


> I have reserved the right to make no decisions. I am not in a clear state of mind to make life altering decisions for my daughter right now.
> 
> 
> > This is good. Don't make any decisions right now. I'm sorry for your pain. I would suggest a few counseling sessions before either of you makes any drastic moves. It's good that he is begging. The lies are the hardest part, I know. It takes away that safe feeling we all crave with our partners. You may not get this back for a couple of years, or more, even if you do reconcile. If you wait for that to return before deciding anything, you will be in limbo for a long time.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I have a question. Did he give you full transparency and access to his world after you got the rest of the story or before? I'm going to assume it was after you found out they slept together. Based on that assumption it sounds like he's doing what he can to give you what you need to begin to reestablish some type of trust in him. Unfortunately it's not uncommon for waywards to give what is called "trickle truth" so don't think he is unique in that. All of the things he has said - it wasn't about you, he loves you and wants your life together back are all things I said to my wife that were and still are true. An affair is one of the most selfish things a person can partake of - consequently it really does have nothing to do with the loyal spouse. An affair is fundamentally about trying to get a need met that's not getting met in your marriage. Now the loyal spouse may not be meeting that need, but that never justifies cheating. 

Only you can decide if you can learn to live with his affair, if you want to reconcile the marriage or end it. Whether he is truly remorseful or not - truly want's to reconcile the marriage or not will be proven in his actions. Based on what you posted I'd say currently it sounds like he is genuinely remorseful so the ball is in your court. However that does not mean you need to hurry up and make a decision, he needs to do what you need him to do to get to a decision. When you do, you need to be honest with him and tell him what it is - either way.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> terrified said:
> 
> 
> > I have reserved the right to make no decisions. I am not in a clear state of mind to make life altering decisions for my daughter right now.
> ...


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## 04190513 (Jun 27, 2011)

This is where I'm at right now. I want my marriage to work and eventually go back to the way it was. Except some days I want to get divorced because I can't believe she did this and I can't believe how much this has hurt me. It somewhat depends how I sleep, some days I wake up thinking about it and that day is pretty much a write off. My wife is doing the right things and has hopefully told me the whole truth now(it makes sense also). I am 6 weeks in and hopefully will start to get better soon.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I have a question. Did he give you full transparency and access to his world after you got the rest of the story or before? I'm going to assume it was after you found out they slept together. Based on that assumption it sounds like he's doing what he can to give you what you need to begin to reestablish some type of trust in him. Unfortunately it's not uncommon for waywards to give what is called "trickle truth" so don't think he is unique in that. All of the things he has said - it wasn't about you, he loves you and wants your life together back are all things I said to my wife that were and still are true. An affair is one of the most selfish things a person can partake of - consequently it really does have nothing to do with the loyal spouse. An affair is fundamentally about trying to get a need met that's not getting met in your marriage. Now the loyal spouse may not be meeting that need, but that never justifies cheating.
> .


Ya, it was after the entire truth came out but I didn't ask before that. I get the impression that no matter when I would have asked for full access he would have give it to me but I will never know for sure.

Did you really mean it when you said you loved her? You weren't just saying that to calm her down? I find it so hard to believe that he loves me and loved me when he did this. I feel so unloved.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

04190513 said:


> This is where I'm at right now. I want my marriage to work and eventually go back to the way it was. Except some days I want to get divorced because I can't believe she did this and I can't believe how much this has hurt me. It somewhat depends how I sleep, some days I wake up thinking about it and that day is pretty much a write off. My wife is doing the right things and has hopefully told me the whole truth now(it makes sense also). I am 6 weeks in and hopefully will start to get better soon.


Wouldn't it be nice to know how long? If I knew how long the pain will last I might be able to decide what to do based on that. It is so painful.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Terrified,

It will get better with time. Im a BS also and I found out my wife cheated on novenber 12th 2010. Everything is similar. I got bad trickle truth and she basically lied to me about anything physical until I found some proof. Only then did she admit it.

So after nearly 9 months I can tell you that the really really bad feelings do go away in time. Its actually more like you become numb to them. You remember them all the time but the sting has gone away.

That being said....there are still parts of this that get me down. You have many many more stages to go. You will get over things just to start hurting about something else.

I want you to know that it will get better and you can still find happyness with your husband. Its never going to be like it was. There will be new pain. But there will also be new good.

After all this time I have decided that while I wish my wife had never cheated on me....I would not ever want to go back to the way things were before her affair. We are better to one another now and things between us are are in most ways much better. 

I still love her. Im just kind of having to meet her all over again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

It also sounds like your husband is making a very strong effort to make it better. He cannot make it go away. And if you think about it hard enough you will understand why he lied to 
you about the sex. I totally understand why my wife lied. Its a mixture of self preservation and he did not want to hurt you.

That does not make the dishonesty ok.....it just explains it.

I know that he did not lie to you to hurt you more. Just like my wife did not lie to hurt me more. Its just something that people do.....a mistake that is far to common when faced with extream guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

terrified said:


> Did you really mean it when you said you loved her? You weren't just saying that to calm her down? I find it so hard to believe that he loves me and loved me when he did this. I feel so unloved.


Yes. I absolutely meant it, every day, all day, through the whole thing. It's hard to explain how you compartmentalize in an affair. It is literally living a double life and almost like having multiple personalities. That's part of why it is much less about the loyal spouse than the cheating spouse. It's like the loyal spouse and the OW/OM exist in different worlds and one has nothing to do with the other. You'd be surprised what you can convince yourself of when your really deep off in the weeds. So yes I did love my wife - very much - all through my affair. 

I read your comment about how long the pain will last. The dilemma is that your in pain either way now. If you stay you have to work through this and rebuild trust in your H. If you leave you have all the pain of divorce. Only you can decided which is the lesser of two evils, but if you love your H and really believe he wants to reconcile and he keeps doing the heavy lifting to prove it - IMO rebuilding with him is the better path.


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

Itguy - It is nice to hear from someone that is going through it that it gets better. I wonder every day if I will ever be happy again. I know I will, I just don't know how.....




sigma1299 said:


> If you stay you have to work through this and rebuild trust in your H. If you leave you have all the pain of divorce. Only you can decided which is the lesser of two evils, but if you love your H and really believe he wants to reconcile and he keeps doing the heavy lifting to prove it - IMO rebuilding with him is the better path.


This is exactly how I feel. Trapped between 2 wrong choices. It' s horrible place to be.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

At least by D you can start fresh, not having to ALWAYS wondering about a future with a cheating spouse. I don't think I could live like that... always wondering.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

BigBri said:


> At least by D you can start fresh, not having to ALWAYS wondering about a future with a cheating spouse. I don't think I could live like that... always wondering.


Sadly, for a LS it's almost impossible to "start fresh". If my H and I are unable to R and we D, in any new relationships I'd still always worry and wonder about whether or not they're cheating. For myself, I'll never be able to trust someone blindly again, so I'll always wonder. 

One advantage of trying to R with a disloyal spouse is the potential benefit of being with someone who's remorseful and learned a life lesson. If from this experience (and loads of therapy) my H becomes the trustworthy and loyal man he wishes to be, then I should be the one to benefit from having him for a partner. If he cheats again, we'll be over. So I see R with my H and starting fresh with someone new on equal odds of obtaining happiness.

Like I told my H shortly after d-day, "You're lucky I like to gamble." I'm playing the odds and I've decided to place my bets with my H.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Well Terrified, I will be at 3 years from D Day at the end of this month. At this point things seem to be going well and my DS did the heavy lifting in the relationship. But the trust issue is still there to some degree and will likely always be there. To this day I still have total access to everything but more importantly there are none of the little "Things" that started me wondering about it in the 1st place. I'd say we're a solid 90% or better at this point. 

It does get better if you can get past the "Event" That is where the true struggle is, as far as I have found.

Q~


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