# why husband runs when it comes to talking about "feelings"???



## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

my husband starts walking away if i started talking about lovey dovey stuff in detail... ex. why do you love me sooo much? 
why is that? is that normal to everyman out there? just curious


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Guys don't usually think in those terms. So you're basically sabotaging him by asking him to answer in those terms. He feels no matter what he says, it will not be what you want, since it's totally foreign to him, so he avoids it. How many boys do you think ever used the word love before the age of 15? How many girls?


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

i was in an all girls school growing up. to be honest about 1:10 girls says they are either in love or have a crush on one of the boys at the all boys schools 4 blocks away. not sure about boys.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Men often times are less comfortable with sharing their emotional side. This doesn't mean they don't have it - because they do! But men in our society are often conditioned to be strong (not show weakness and vulnerability). 

Married women can benefit from seeking female friendships to expand their intimacy needs (other than sexual) past their husbands - to give them a bit of a break. It's not to say he's off the hook, he just may have less need to connect in the same way you do.

Also - some men are more comfortable with that kind of dialogue than others (as are some women). If his behavior indicates love for you but he's simply uncomfortable with the "lovey dovey" stuff then you're still doing great!


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

thank you, that is very insightfull Lisa. :smthumbup: 
i will try to open up more to my friends. maybe then i have more things to talk about? 

my husband does says and shows he loves me. guess i better stop expecting him to talk about lovey dovey stuff 5 times a day?


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## kidcanman (Dec 20, 2010)

for one thing, we have our image to maintain. just because you have the girl does not mean that you can now act like a punk in front of her. Women don't like punks and we know it. So the problem is that while you think you want your man to act like a punk and express his feelings to you, if he were to do so, you would no longer be attracted to him. and your husband is smart enough to recognize this. 

no matter how much you think that you will be ok with him acting like a punk, he knows that that is not true. therein lies the problem.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Because endlessly talking about talking about feelings becomes an exercise unto itself which leads nowhere.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Because endlessly talking about talking about feelings becomes an exercise unto itself which leads nowhere.


Yeah, but we ladies loooooove to do that!


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## momof2bellas (Jun 27, 2011)

kidcanman said:


> for one thing, we have our image to maintain. just because you have the girl does not mean that you can now act like a punk in front of her. Women don't like punks and we know it. So the problem is that while you think you want your man to act like a punk and express his feelings to you, if he were to do so, you would no longer be attracted to him. and your husband is smart enough to recognize this.
> 
> no matter how much you think that you will be ok with him acting like a punk, he knows that that is not true. therein lies the problem.


I think this sums it up pretty well....however, that doesnt mean I wish my husband could be more lovey in a way. I know he loves me and he tells me etc., I could use some you look beautiful or something once a day would be cool, other than his not so subtle cues he'd like to have sex.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Everyone should have to read The 5 Love Languages before they get married.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

turnera said:


> Guys don't usually think in those terms. So you're basically sabotaging him by asking him to answer in those terms. He feels no matter what he says, it will not be what you want, since it's totally foreign to him, so he avoids it. How many boys do you think ever used the word love before the age of 15? How many girls?


Good response. I just thought differently than my wife and always felt like whatever answer I gave would be the wrong one. I think I always thought when she asked a question, apparently she wanted more detail that what was obvious. 

My x asked me one time if I was happy in the marriage and why.
I said yes. I gave a response that had to do with us all being healthy, getting along well, being financially stable, etc. Do you think that is the answer she wanted? Nooooooo! She said, "I was hoping you would say that I am everything to you and so I make you happy." Well, that's a good answer too, but I guess I assumed that part was a given.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband would run too if I asked such an open ended, he has no idea what I want to hear, type of question. If I feel the need to hear something from him I'm better off telling him upfront what I want from him.

Like in southbounds example I might simply ask "am I everything to you or do I make you happy?" See I gave him the answer all he has to do is confirm it (and he does). Then I give him a hug and say thank you I love you too.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men have learned that that is an entirely disingenuous question. "Let's talk about our feelings" is an entre to a **** tornado about how her feelings are bruised and it and 3 million other things are your fault. Everyone knows that. A woman who's demanding you open your heart to them is just giving themself a better target upon which to take a dump.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

While I think the 5 Love Languages is helpful, I also think it's not comprehensive enough because it doesn't address WHY your partner won't show you the love languages after learning what they are. And I think that is more often the problem in marriages.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

strawberry said:


> my husband starts walking away if i started talking about lovey dovey stuff in detail... ex. why do you love me sooo much?
> why is that? is that normal to everyman out there? just curious


Male and female brains are wired totally differently - women have far more connections linking the left and right sides of their brain then men do (the reason why it's so much easier for a female to do ten things at once...where a male will struggle).

That's not to say that men don't have the same kind of feelings - it just means because of their physiological brain set up, they don't have the connections needed to verbalise them. 

Men's brains are wired the way they are specifically so they don't have the same emotional connection women have for a reason. It goes back to our primal days when men were the hunters and women were the nurturers. 

How awful would it have been for the man of the day, to be sent out to hunt and gather food for his clan, only to come home empty handed because he couldn't kill the cute looking little bear (looking at him with those big doey eyes....awwww). It just couldn't be.

IMHO, the best way for a woman to speak with a man and get results/answers is to learn to speak his language - which is straight to the point...use less words with more meaning.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> While I think the 5 Love Languages is helpful, I also think it's not comprehensive enough because it doesn't address WHY your partner won't show you the love languages after learning what they are. And I think that is more often the problem in marriages.


I agree I agree I agree!!!!!!!!!!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Laurae1967 said:


> While I think the 5 Love Languages is helpful, I also think it's not comprehensive enough because it doesn't address WHY your partner won't show you the love languages after learning what they are. And I think that is more often the problem in marriages.


The why seems so simple though. It means deliberately doing things that don't carry a lot of meaning to you personally every single day for the rest of the relationship. Even if you don't mind doing it and are really coming at it from "love" and "working it out" or whatever, you're still basically loving in a strange land if you and your partner have different love languages. 

I mean sometimes it's simple. My best cheat ever is calendar reminders that go straight to my phone. My husband is big on acts of service, but those have to be acknowledged and all. So, since he's mentioned several times this week the things he's doing and re-arranging in his cleaning schedule on his day off to accomodate a dinner party that I'm having this weekend, I'm making notes so that I'll be sure to notice and praise them all on Friday when I get home. Otherwise in my whole life I'll never ever notice that the apertif glasses have been polished up there on the third shelf of the cabinet in the bar... I do that whenever he starts talking about doing things, so I can remember to be grateful.

Other times though, there isn't such a simple solution and it seems like when that happens, you're always "translating" love in your head so that the other person can "understand" you. At least that's how it felt to me after starting to think about love in languages at all...


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> The why seems so simple though. It means deliberately doing things that don't carry a lot of meaning to you personally every single day for the rest of the relationship. Even if you don't mind doing it and are really coming at it from "love" and "working it out" or whatever, you're still basically loving in a strange land if you and your partner have different love languages.
> 
> I mean sometimes it's simple. My best cheat ever is calendar reminders that go straight to my phone. My husband is big on acts of service, but those have to be acknowledged and all. So, since he's mentioned several times this week the things he's doing and re-arranging in his cleaning schedule on his day off to accomodate a dinner party that I'm having this weekend, I'm making notes so that I'll be sure to notice and praise them all on Friday when I get home. Otherwise in my whole life I'll never ever notice that the apertif glasses have been polished up there on the third shelf of the cabinet in the bar... I do that whenever he starts talking about doing things, so I can remember to be grateful.
> 
> Other times though, there isn't such a simple solution and it seems like when that happens, you're always "translating" love in your head so that the other person can "understand" you. At least that's how it felt to me after starting to think about love in languages at all...


This confuses me... I've asked before on other threads; I thought if someone's love language was acts of service (my OH too!) it was the way they interpreted r_eceiving_ love, or the way it was being demonstrated _to_ them, rather than the way they instinctively _show_ it???? Or does it cut both ways?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

My experience is (in general) that women talk for emotional support while men talk to exchange information. Its far more complicated than that I know but thats a very brief synopsis. 

A wise man will recognize her need for that support and force himself if he has to, to give her that exchange she desires.Yes she wants to hear that she is beautiful and special; and isn't she? Isn't that why you married her? What does it hurt to make her feel that way.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> My experience is (in general) that women talk for emotional support while men talk to exchange information. Its far more complicated than that I know but thats a very brief synopsis.
> 
> A wise man will recognize her need for that support and force himself if he has to, to give her that exchange she desires.Yes she wants to hear that she is beautiful and special; and isn't she? Isn't that why you married her? What does it hurt to make her feel that way.


:iagree: If you love some one it should be easy to tell those things you love about them, and make them feel good.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Always stay about 2/3rds concealed. They're just going to throw it in your face and use it as a weapon later on.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Syrum said:


> :iagree: If you love some one it should be easy to tell those things you love about them, and make them feel good.


In the perfect world it should be "easy," but I found it to be anything but easy.


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