# Dating/Relationship question(s)



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hi everybody,

I took a long break from dating and about 4 months ago I met a woman in an very organic setting. Neither of us really tried, we just started hanging out as friends and now have a gf/bf relationship, which we both wanted. Things have been really good. Although we have an age gap we have lots in common and really do enjoy each others company. 

A couple things have come up lately and I was hoping for someone to shed some light: 

-I know some women can get emotional around their period but the woman I am seeing gets downright insecure, and in particular insecure about our relationship. It especially doesn't help when she drinks as she will get very provocative. She will then compare me to her past lovers and then claim that I don't know what love is or that so and so patterns of the past are repeating themselves with us. It irks me, but I've been able to stand my ground and remain detached. We've communicated after the fact when she was clear minded, but it keeps happening every month. 28 days awesome, 2 days hell. I struggle talking to her when she's on her rag. 

-Her previous boyfriend died in his sleep 5 years ago, and it's having a huge impact on our relationship. She is very clingy and when I first asked her out I didn't think she would want to see me this much. I know where she is coming from but I am a very independent, detached male and I simply don't have these fears.
I've told her this but I'm not getting through. I'm just not sure how to approach the situation. It's very difficult. 

And thus I feel like if I broke up with her it would be the end of her. 

Any advice folks?

Thank you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

have you told her that while neither you nor her have any control over mother nature (less she be on birth control), she does have direct control over her drinking and if she choses to drink during that time, then you chose not to be around her....we all make choices, when she decides to make one that cause you to feel bad or guilt's you then you have to be clear that you will be home when she is ready to have a civil conversation san booze.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

This is a boundary issue. You need to set them and then enforce them. 

1) I don't know how old she is, but I work in a female dominated field...most of us are pre menopause...and we all know how to manage our moods. Yes, we get cranky. But we recognize that our emotions are based on hormones and not neccessarily rationale. It's not not uncommon to say "I am going to wait a week to do something about that." Now, of course we all suffer the symptoms differently, but if your gf really can't control herself during that time of the month she needs to see a Dr. There are meds for that. In the meantime, don't spend time with her on those days. Keep that boundary.

2) If you want to spend less time with her then do it. This is not something you discuss. You just say no when you would rather spend time alone.

If these things become a point of conflict then you need to seriously consider how compatible the two of you are. And it is not your responsibility to make sure that it isn't the end of her. This sounds like a very unhealthy cycle. Do not enable her insecurities.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm thinking that, as is, this is a severely toxic relationship. Having said that, I honestly do not feel that she is completely over the death of her deceased BF, and during her period, she is making you out to be the proverbial boogeyman!

Provided that you are going to stay with her, then the both of you must resign yourselves to some serious long-term counseling! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

First you don't owe her anything and can't be the foundation of her sanity, if leaving would be the "end of her" then that's on her and not you.

Second dating is with a purpose to find out if you are compatible with the person you are with. Do you constantly want to be compared to other lovers and past BF? Why would you sign up for that? I do get that period time can make some women emotional but that isn't a license to belittle your partner. 

Look at this .... You have only been dating her 4 months and she acts like this. What do you think year 4 with her will be like? It will be worse. Tell her to get help and not say this stuff to you or find someone who is healthy to have a relationship with.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> She will then compare me to her past lovers and then claim that I don't know what love is or that so and so patterns of the past are repeating themselves with us. It irks me, but I've been able to stand my ground and remain detached. .


This is unacceptable. Drunk or not, doing this is messing with your head and IMO has no place in a relationship.

After reading everything else, it just sounds like you two guys are not compatible. You gave it a shot, might be time to move on and see what else is out there.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Drinking---- nope
Craziness--- nope
Comparing you to other men-- nope
Making you feel you're trapped--- nope

You really need to rethink this. As said, of she's crazy now....... Wait until she's showing you the real her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I don't mean to sound discouraging, but she needs to work on her problems, and without you. You can't help cure her insecurities or her dependencies, only she can do that. All they will do is interfere with your healthy romantic development. 

She doesn't sound prepared for a healthy relationship. She's been through trauma, which is really sad, but doesn't sound like she's healed sufficiently from it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Next!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with the other posters. Sorry, as you already know relationships aren't easy. At 4 months, they should be pretty easy!!

You may want to back off, state your concerns and she what she does with it.

If she runs, then let her go.

If she gets upset and starts an argument over your concerns. Let her go.

If she recognizes and is will to DO something to fix her problem. Sit back and Watch.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Tell her, when she's sober, that like most people you need some alone time. And she shouldn't take this as a slight against her. Then see if she is willing to comprehend this. Tell her you'll be unavailable x nights a week. If she can't live with that then she's too insecure to have a mature or happy relationship with.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Thanks for the posts folks. Yeah, it's what I thought. 

Where I seem to struggle is that I'm a pretty introverted person and I didn't think she would want to hang out so much in the beginning. Sorry! I want her to be happy and have her needs met and I am prepared to end the relationship. 

And honestly it doesn't matter how much I love someone. Because if I don't spend enough time on me I tend to get distracted and drained when I am with other people. It is just my nature, and I had hoped she'd accept that. That's how it is - you don't know somebody until you spend a lot of time with them. It's remarkably hard to communicate that without sounding selfish. I think, what hurts her the most, is that when I want to go into my introvert bubble she'd hope to be there too, but it will never be the case for her, nor anyone. That's the idea!

As much as I'd like a girlfriend, the reality is that I just can't invest more then 3 days a week right now. I'm way too busy with home renovations. And my best friends know this. Heck they might go months without seeing me, but they are never mad, they just know me, and our friendship always continues where it left off.


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