# Success stories?



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I keep seeing advice for people to hit the gym, get new clothes, haircuts, etc, in order to "move on" with your life, hopefully getting your spouses attention as one of the side benefits. I have been hitting the gym & losing weight. Curious to hear from other people what their spouses reaction has been to the changes?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My wife's first reaction was to think I was leaving her - that I wanted to attract a higher caliber of a woman for the next go around.

We're doing far better now - still a few issues but we're very active sexually.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It depends on the spouse that is being - for lack of a better term - played. 

In milder cases the methods prescribed seem to work. In more advanced cases or when dealing with competitive, astute people it may not work as intended. 

Do it if you want because it's good for you, not because you want to "play" your spouse.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

The 180, working out, dressing better is for you to up your overall attractiveness, to become a better person. If you are going into it with the intention, the purpose of drawing your spouse back in, you are setting yourself up for failure. The key part, most important part of the 180 is your mindset and motivations...it HAS to be about improving you.

Essentially what you are doing is resetting things...open auditions for a new wife, and your current wife is free to apply...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> I keep seeing advice for people to hit the gym, get new clothes, haircuts, etc, in order to "move on" with your life, hopefully getting your spouses attention as one of the side benefits. I have been hitting the gym & losing weight. Curious to hear from other people what their spouses reaction has been to the changes?


my 50ish y.o. wife lost 15 lbs a couple years ago, and I cant keep my hands off her butt anymore.

one temporary setback was when I started buying her nice clothes and sexy lingerie, she thought that I thought she was ugly and need the clothes to make her passable. Far from it, it took me months to convince her is only made her look sexier. Eventually, the sexy clothes transmuted into a sexier libido on her part too


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

If only it were that simple to get a spouse to fall back in love with us. Just get new clothes and hit the gym. While I admit that when my wife lost 100+ lbs about ten years ago it did increase my attraction for her, it didn't effect my love for her because my love for her is on a much deeper level than a simple phsyical attraction would be. If your at a point where that deep love and connection is waivering or even worse, gone. It gonna take more than a new look to turn your spouse around. 

That said, I did make my wife sit up and take notice by remaking myself. But it was my emotional self and how I treated her that I made over. And while that did not save our marriage, it did make her see that I was serious about saving our marriage. Which allowed us to start the real work of actually saving our marriage. In my case, getting new clothes or hitting the gym would not have helped anything. It actually could have made matters worse because she could have thought I was doing all this for another woman. 

Frazzledsadhusband: from your posts and messages, I belive the issues with your wife are much deeper than your phsyical appearance. I know you two work different shifts which keeps you apart, but I belive your time would be better spent trying to find ways to spend more quality time with her. 

Did you ever talk with her about the podcast and get her thoughts on it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Her only response to the podcast was "I'll check into it", in regards to the 4 day session. If I ask anymore, then it will become a power struggle. 

I started going to the gym because I needed to burn off stress. I either go early morning,when my wife is sleeping, (she does not like being woken up), or take my son on the nights my wife is working, so I can spend time with him. I thought I might as well work on improving myself. 

The negative/revelation that popped up was my wife said to me, "So you feel I am damaged goods & you want to get rid of me."  I looked at her & said " I have NEVER said that about you, to you, or anyone else. I want you to feel good about yourself, and to be able to enjoy our time together. Where is that coming from?" Then I realized that she was seeing herself that way. 

I know what order her 5 love languages are in, and I make sure to keep working on speaking them to her. Too much in fact, a couple of weeks ago, she told me to stop trying so hard. I do my best to be a attentive listener, and a supportive husband. 

In the past she has made a *few* extremely cutting remarks about my appearance, so I figured I'd take care of those issues. I figured it couldn't hurt to be in better shape.

My question to the group was just to get a sample of what other people experienced. 

My wife asked me when I first started working out, after our major fight over her not wanting to address her past abuse, why I was hitting it so hard. I managed to keep calm & say that I felt like I was being punished for the transgressions of her POS ex boyfriend for the years we have been married, I needed to burn off the stress or I was going to have a stroke.

Here is where I am not proud of what I said, as I know it cut her. I said, "You gave every impression that you were a virgin. I figured that even if there was a activity you didn't like, we would experience it once TOGETHER. To be told after we were married that you don't like these things & don't want to do them ever again, is extremely frustrating for me. I understand why you didn't want to tell me, but it is still frustrating." 

I've been reading Big Mama's thread on breasts & how she views her H in the same light as her abuser for wanting to touch her. After I expressed my desires to my wife, I can tell she is viewing me the same way.

(Is it possible to hijack your own thread?)

Some of my wife's triggers are not even that sexual. Shortly after I found out about her abuse, I came home from work & she was standing at the kitchen sink. I came up behind her, put my hands on her hips, leaned in & kissed the back of her neck. I said "Hi Honey" She spun around & said "DON'T TOUCH ME LIKE THAT, HE USED TO DO THAT" I didn't grope her, I didn't grind against her, didn't lick her neck, it was just a peck. 

I grew up watching westerns, so I used to say "Howdy". Until she told me that was one of his often used greetings. Haven't said the word since.

I've asked myself, how can I love someone so much & yet be so frustrated?

ps - as to the love still being there, as I said in one of my other posts, I asked her what she saw when she looked at me, She said a good father and provider. I asked "How about a lover" Her answer was NO.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Thanks for the response. The gym can definitely help burn off stress. I used to ride bikes for the same reason. I sent you some videos that may be of use to your wife at some point. 

Be careful what you say to her, anything that brings up her past abuse is better left unsaid other than discussing treatment. 

My wife also did not begin to see me as her lover until she was most of the way through the healing process. It's not that your not her lover, its that the EX who abused her was her lover so she relates that to pain. 

Hang in there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

My Wife took notice when I started taking the lead of the family instead of leaving everything in her hands.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I wouldn't go about changing yourself to accommodate her past abuse. I tried that for a while, it didn't work out to well. If you do something innocent and it triggers her, it's not your fault. You shouldn't have any blame put on you because of it. She is going to have to face her past and come to terms with it or the triggers will continue to show up out of no where, and you will keep getting blamed for it. And that's a really crappy place to be in, because it will just leave you frustrated and her confused. The more she associates your behavior with her past abuse the worse it will get. Try to keep in mind that those triggers have nothing to do with you and that you cannot prevent them. You can't dictate how she will react to things. 
Your wife is capable of healing from it. She just has to figure out how. Just remember that her triggers are a reaction to her own past experiences, not a reaction to your intentions. That will help keep you sane. 

My wife and I from bad duty sex once a month or less to amazing sex everyday, often more than once. I learned that she just needs to heal and I learned look at our troubles as a mere part of the healing process. That made it much easier to let it go and start fresh, over and over again. It's an ongoing process, and things just keep getting better and better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TruthHunter (Jul 15, 2014)

I have been working out and getting some new clothes. My wife's only reaction thus far has been to accuse me of having an affair (which I'm not). But, oh well... improving myself has been making me feel better, even if she won't.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I start IC tomorrow for myself.

I am not liking the person I am becoming inside.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

The benefits of remaking yourself may include include your wife and they may not. Remember, you can't change how other people feel (especially with with your wife's past), you can only change yourself for the better and hope she tags along for the ride.

Do this for you.

Your welcome to read my story. Some similarities. I need to update it, but lots of success.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I have seen a very weird change in my wife lately. I have been a gym rat for years. I have competed in physique shows in the past. I am currently prepping for a couple shows coming up. In the past, my wife was very supportive. However, this go around she has been very evil and spiteful about it. 

I think it comes down to her own body image. She has been going through perimenopause and has seen a significant weight gain during the process. In the last 6 weeks, while cutting for the stage, I have dropped just shy of 30 lbs of body fat. Last year, she loved the look. This year, she complains constantly about my look and she is very critical of everything I do. At this point, I can do nothing right. None of this cutting is to attract other women. I still tell and show her how much she means to me. I tell/show her that I find her attractive.

So, sometimes, getting into really good condition can backfire if the other spouse is having major weight / body image issues.


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