# struggling



## strugglingwife (Oct 9, 2011)

Here is a shortened version: My husband and I have been married for 16 years and just recently he has "fallen in love" with someone he has texted and talked to on the phone. He has never met this woman. She is married with children and lives many miles away. He tells me that he wants us just to be friends and stay "married" for our children, but I must give up the idea that any change will keep us together. We have had conflicts within our marriage but never have I thought that he would just give up. He has been blinded by this "new love" and states that he has been trying for many years to save our marriage. I take full blame for creating a void in him that he has now found in this "person"; however, I am not willing nor ready to give up on trying to save our marriage. I don't know what to do. I am completely devastated and feel like I am dying inside. How do you fight for something that the other person does not have a desire for?

I have asked him not to talk to this person and he states that it is not fair to ask him to do that since God has placed this person in his life and he is happy for once. He states that I am being overbearing and manipulative if I ask him to stop. I just simply think that she is an obstacle that won't allow him to see that our marriage is worth trying to repair. He does not want me to talk to anyone (counselor, friend, family) because he states that just won't understand.....I miss him. He sleeps on couch so that he can text her late into the night; or even worse, he texts her while he laying next to me in bed. But I am not supposed to hurt. I am supposed to be strong and accept the fact that there is no us anymore, just friends. 

Please shed some light on what I should do......


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is manipulating you, find the other woman's husband and tell him of the affair . Don't believe a word your husband says to you, while in an affair her will lie, deceive you and sacriice everything. The quickest way to rock his fantasy to get hold of her husband and expose the affair . Call his parents and yours let them know what is happening , don't pretend you can do his on your own you are going to need their support .

Get hold of the phone and copies of those text messages . Gather as much evidence as you can, what you want is hard proof of their conversations.

Most affair men have no intention of leaving their wives , they want to play and come home to a wife and comfortable environment . Visit a lawyer to understand your rights , be prepared for a long difficult journey . Ensure he knows you are not friends , you are either a married couple or he is out.

As of now run the 180 . The link below contains the information on the 180

http://www.survivingbetrayal.com/recovery/marriage-rebuilding/48-fence-sitters-and-cake-eaters


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Eli-Zor is spot on!
To take it even further, after everyone is notified, tell him to pack and hit the road. As long as you enable him, he will continue to hurt you. You have to get tough with him right now.

God did not put her in his life, your husband did.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

The posts above are 100% on the money. He doesnt want you to tell anyone else because he knows he is wrong, doesnt want you to hear anything supportive, wants to control the information you are getting and giving out so he can continue to be a sneaky manipulator. It also might help to read up on the fog. Its an unreality he is living in at the moment. Go 180 all the way.

Good luck.


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

You are getting good advice here...I know it's difficult but do not let him manipulate you in this way...my H didn't want me to talk about the affair either...wanted me to keep the secret and guess what I am letting the cat out of the bag...he claims to have stopped but I can't trust what he says as he has lied and decieved me for so long....we are trying but then again I work out of town....soooooo......am I a fool....???? Only time will tell on my end....good luck and read the posts...you can learn alot here...and remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE.....


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

*


Eli-Zor said:



Your husband is manipulating you, find the other woman's husband and tell him of the affair . Don't believe a word your husband says to you, while in an affair her will lie, deceive you and sacriice everything. The quickest way to rock his fantasy to get hold of her husband and expose the affair . Call his parents and yours let them know what is happening , don't pretend you can do his on your own you are going to need their support .

Get hold of the phone and copies of those text messages . Gather as much evidence as you can, what you want is hard proof of their conversations.

Most affair men have no intention of leaving their wives , they want to play and come home to a wife and comfortable environment . Visit a lawyer to understand your rights , be prepared for a long difficult journey . Ensure he knows you are not friends , you are either a married couple or he is out.

As of now run the 180 . The link below contains the information on the 180

Click to expand...

*


Eli-Zor said:


> Fence Sitters
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

My H pulled a similar stunt and I pulled a 180 on him and did everything mentioned above. I can't tell you how important it is to tell the OW's husband. It really helped to break through the fog and disrupt the 'fantasy.'

It has been a year and we are still married and doing very well.

Good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The ONLY way to save your marriage is to remove the other woman (OW). She is like his cocaine and he is an addict; every move he makes is an attempt to keep his drug flowing. Look up PEA chemicals; it's what we all experience when we're dating. But in an affair, it can make you uncontrollable in your attempt to keep that 'good feeling' flowing - even to the point of throwing away your marriage, your kids, your job, your life, even your extended family.

The ONLY way to make a cheater realize this 'high' isn't worth it is to expose the affair.

Call his parents and his siblings tomorrow. Don't tell him you're doing it. Just do it. It's just like an intervention. 

If you know her info, call her husband and her parents/siblings and expose.

THEN start working on your marriage and give him a reason to choose you. But it has to start with exposure.


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## strugglingwife (Oct 9, 2011)

thanks everyone....

it feels as though this is way more involved. First of all, he is not "leaving" me. He wants to come home, have dinner, be a dad, but continue this relationship because he does not want a relationship with me, except for friends. It is like a slap in my face for him to text her or walk outside and talk to her. Since I read the email that brought all of this to light, he has since locked out his facebook, email, phone, etc. I have no course of action; however, him staying here gives me time. Time to figure out how to respond. Figure out how to grow in strength. 

There is just this small part of me that hates this OW. I don't know her, never have met her, but I hate her existence. I would never do anything to hurt another person, and her marriage is not my business. He tells me that "she" is supportive of my feelings. I miss my husband. Yes, we have had issues and conflicts in our marriage but never once did I think he would leave me emotionally. This has just really happened in the last 4-5 months and he is just simply giving up on the possibility of forgiveness and working towards restoring our marriage. 

I completely forgive him. I understand why he connected with this OW. She filled a void in him that I helped to create. I get it. What I don't get is how after all these years, does he not have the desire to try again? How do I convince him to try again? He will just tell me that he HAS tried all these years and he is done and wants this new found freedom. 

UGGHHHH....I hate being this depressed, devastated person, who cries at the drop of hat, and constantly feels like I am having a panic attack or that I can not do the right thing, ever.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of COURSE he wants to stay with you. That's called cake eating and nearly every single cheater wants that. Why? Because he NOW has TWO women stroking his ego, feeding him cake, fighting for him like he's some sort of prize. Who wouldn't love that?

Are you willing to accept his crumbs?

btw, blaming HER for what HE did is just...well, you don't look like you respect yourself very much.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, you are not willing to tell his parents that he's cheating on you? You're willing to let him just divorce you while he tells everyone 'we just grew apart'?


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Look, if you know how to contact the OW's husband, do so.

I'd also expose your husband's affair to his father.

Then I'd memorize this: "I will not live in an open marriage, so you need to find a place to live. You should find a place this week."

Then I'd visit an attorney to discuss possibly filing for divorce.

Based on his actions and what you have told us, your husband has to see there are going to be consequences he cannot control. You have a choice to make too.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

The fantasy love in an affair is such a strong drug, it's hard to let go. I know. I'm still fighting the urge to contact the OW I was involved with. But it's a fake love. Love that has not been tested be the realities of life. It's all love and happiness, and the bad never enters because it's not real. Quit blaming yourself for any void. He exploited it rather than doing anything about it. I did the same. It was my decision to do what I did. Mine alone. Listen to what others have posted here. Their wisdom is incredible.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm incredible?  lol just kidding 

Seriously, sw, if you let him stay there, it just strengthens his belief that you're a desperate doormat who's good for feeding and clothing him and cleaning up for him, and that's about it; the REAL women (who wouldn't accept this) are out _there_ and he'll be even more determined to find them. Now that he has your permission to cheat, you know.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

He has left you. He may be there physically in person, but not emotionally. Of course he wants to stay and "be friends", it's more prudent financially to stay together. 

There is no way you can win him back by letting him cake eat. The longer you let him, the harder it will be to snap him out of it. You have every right to interfere with the OW's marriage, she is a HUGE interference in your marriage!

How can you forgive someone when they haven't asked for forgiveness or stopped the behavior that would need to be forgiven? If you don't stand up and demand better for yourself, you will continue living this way until he finally packs his bags and leaves. Which he will, if not for this OW than another, because you're accepting his treatment of you and setting a precedent. 

The man you married and your old marriage is gone. There's a chance you can have a new marriage and be with this man, but only if you let go of the old. By holding on to what you once had, you will not be strong enough to fight for a better relationship and future. Being willing to be alone, gives you the chance of a new and better relationship, either with your husband or someone else. You have the chance for something more, but you need to believe what you have now is not enough and be willing to kick him out. But if you stay and allow this to continue, nothing will change and you'll live your live with nothing more than an unrespectful roommate.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. Listen to the advice offered here, it is spot on. When you talk about how you cant believe that he wont even try, I know exactly how you feel! My wife of 30 years walked out and moved into the OM home, without a moments thought, never even considered giving our marriage, or me a chance. That is the nature of the beast of the fog associated with infidelity. Which is exactly why you must BLAST them into reality and at the same time take care of yourself. They may or may not come around, but you cant sit and wait on them that is the worse thing you can do.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

strugglingwife said:


> I have asked him not to talk to this person and he states that it is not fair to ask him to do that since *God has placed this person in his life* and he is happy for once. He states that I am being overbearing and manipulative if I ask him to stop.
> 
> Please shed some light on what I should do......



Ah, blame it on God...

Well, if God placed the other woman into his life, and since God also said not to commit adultery (one of the 10 commandments), maybe that's a sign from God that you should not be married to him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's overbearing and manipulative to ask your husband to stop cheating on you?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

strugglingwife said:


> *I completely forgive him. I understand why he connected with this OW.* She filled a void in him that I helped to create. I get it. What I don't get is how after all these years, does he not have the desire to try again? How do I convince him to try again? He will just tell me that he HAS tried all these years and he is done and wants this new found freedom.



Stop taking responsibility for the adultery. Isnt he an adult now? Isnt he responsible for his own decision to cheat? Did he obey your command to cheat?

Just know that you have enough on your shoulder right now. There's no need to take on his.

His alternate path should had been to work with you to resolve any issues within the marriage -- not to commit adultery.


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