# I know there are many posts about this but,



## love_always

I am so hurt by my husband's addiction to pornography.

We have a healthy sex life, I don't see any reason he should be watching/downloading videos all the time.

The part that kills me is that he LIES about it. I will catch him with videos and he says, "I don't know how that got there." Like, I already caught you..just admit it and it would be so much less of a fight.

Another thing, sometimes he turns down sex and then when I go to bed he watches porn.. that part of it is severely hurting our marriage. Am I not good enough? I will never look like a porn star. I will never satisfy him.

He will wait til I go to bed, refuse to go to the store with me, go anywhere with me..just so he can stay home and watch it. It makes me literally sick. A few years ago, he promised me that he wouldn't lie to me about watching it, yet he continues to lie.

Recently, he said he "lost" his SD Card for his phone (the card that stores all of the pics and vids) but was not searching for it, or acting like he cares it was missing. Well, that was two months ago. Last night, I found it hidden underneath a pillow. When I activated it, I found 3 porn videos he was hiding on there. I think he would put it in his phone and watch them when I was gone, then take and hide the SD Care so I would not see.

When I confronted him, he denied knowing about the videos. Such a liar.

I'm at a loss.


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## PBear

What part are you confused about? It seems pretty clear that you've trained him to lie to you, because if he does, he can continue to look at porn and you'll leave him alone until the next time he gets caught. Then he'll lie to you again... He's not even bothering with plausible lies.

Either set some firm boundaries, or give up on getting him to change. And don't set boundaries and impacts without being willing to enforce them, or he'll lose even more respect for you.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love_always

I want to set boundaries and have tried to. Sometimes I feel that it's wrong for me to tell a grown man not to look at porn and that he does it to try to get away with it. But on the other hand, I feel that I should have a say in it being that it affects my sex/love life with him as well. It's been four years.. I feel like he's never going to stop and each time I find it I feel worse about myself. I'm not a quiet woman, I voice my opinions on the subject.

He just refuses to listen and abide by them. I need to think of a way to make him hear me. I'd hate for porn to ruin our marriage but its bound to happen if he doesn not stop, because I can't do it anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Well, have you sat down with your husband to talk about why he feels the need to look at porn? Not in an accusing way, so he feels the need to deny it? Have you tried any form of counseling? Has he? How does he continue to deny it when you have the SD card with porn on it? Do you just eventually let the subject drop?

It may take a good slap upside the head for your husband to realize how much this affects you. Like you telling him that the next time you find porn on his phone or computer, you're leaving until it gets worked out. That would involve him admitting that he's done it, and counseling till the reasons why he values porn over sex with you is resolved. And you have to be willing and able to enforce this. It's not intended as a punishment for him, but it's a boundary for you, and it's not negotiable.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justsumchik

I don't want to offend, and I know you said you don't look like a porn star, but how *do* you look? Do you keep yourself reasonably fit and attractive? Would *you* do you if you were him? If the answer is yes, great! If no, then get to work on yourself first of all. Start working out, grooming, get some new clothes, etc. Make yourself feel sexy and amazing. If it doesn't wake him up, you will be ready for the single life when you boot him out!

Second, masturbating to porn is super easy. Making love to a woman can be hard work. Does he know that you really enjoy sex with him, think he's amazing in bed, etc.? That can give him the motivation to work a little harder. Are there things you won't do that he really wants, such as oral sex? Are you giving him 'naughty boy' vibes, making him feel like a pervert when he has sex with you or when he wants to do certain things? Think about what kind of messages you are giving him when you do have sex. If it is a lot of work for you to climax, consider introducing a vibrator to help him out.

Third, have you ever considered involving yourself in his porn? Is he willing to have you give him head while he watches instead of getting himself off? Then you can get yourself off afterward if he isn't helping? How about finding porn that *you* enjoy and asking if he'd like to watch it with you? How about making your own porn (you can just make it, watch it or not, and then destroy it if you are uncomfortable with it). What about mirrors around the room while having sex? 

Fourth, if none of this is helpful, he may just be an addict and be trapped in a very unhealthy habit that is destroying his marriage. In this case, you will need to decide if you want to live with a porn addict who won't be intimate with you, or you don't. You need to have healthy boundaries, and decide what you want out of life. Then let him know calmly, without judgment, and matter-of-factly what you need out of a spouse and then follow through.


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## Shaggy

You know the number one difference between porn chicks and real live women? It's the bring it on, do me, I need you now attitude they exude. There is no hesitation, no warm me up, no don't blow this. Instead there is a woman who is so worked up she can contain or control herself.

Wanna knw how to rock his boat? Exude that same utter lust when you are intimate. It's hard work, it takes some real energy. But you do that and the porn will soon seem dull.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love_always

Thank you all for the advice and comfort. It all made so much sense to me and really got me thinking.

To answer the questions above, yes, I take very good care of myself. I'm blonde, blue eyes, clear skin, 5'2", not super skinny but not chubby. I get hit on by other men 2-3 times a day. Also a reason I am so confused on why he's looking at other women.. I feel like I should be enough for him. If these other men are interested, why isn't he? (not that I let the other men voice hoe interested, but when I'm alone and they holler or say nice things to me, I can't help but to feel good! lol.)

I have asked him why he looks at it multiple times, but the only answer I ever receive is, "I don't know how that got there..it must have uploaded on its own..that's so weird!" Clearly, porn videos don't just upload on their own. 

One time, we were watching a movie that wasn't very interesting so I came onto him and he excused himself to the bathroom. He was in there almost an hour. Come to find out, he was watching porn and masturbating.. when we could have had sex. I was right in the other room willing and wanting to. When I confronted him, he tried to deny it..but you can't really deny it when once you click on a video in the gallery, a box pops up that says "resume watching at 20 minutes, yes or no". I'm not stupid and it makes me irate that he feels like he can lie and treat me as if I am.

To answer another question above, I have tried asking him to make porn with me a bunch of times and he says no every time. He says it's because he doesn't want anyone getting ahold of it..even though I say we can delete after we watch it.

Shaggy, the thing is I am that kind of lover. When I need him, I let him know. I'm very vocal and focus alot on his pleasure. I just don't get it. I've even gotten some of my techniques from porn videos I know that he likes, trying to satisfy him.. but I'm not an Asain woman nor do I have 56DDFs.

I feel like porn is fine, as long as it doesn't get in the way of you and your partner's sex life and everyday activities. I'm just stuck because at this point, it is..


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## Shaggy

Ok, the fact he is hiding behind a bathroom door, paying for porn, when you were offering to be with him, says he has got an addiction problem. Like the drunk who actually leaves the bar filled with friends to drink alone, it shows the activity is pulling them away from people and into a world where it is the priority.

Aldo, paying for porn! Over the Internet? That is just foolish,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsqueen

Shaggy said:


> You know the number one difference between porn chicks and real live women? It's the bring it on, do me, I need you now attitude they exude. There is no hesitation, no warm me up, no don't blow this. Instead there is a woman who is so worked up she can contain or control herself.
> 
> Wanna knw how to rock his boat? Exude that same utter lust when you are intimate. It's hard work, it takes some real energy. But you do that and the porn will soon seem dull.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This mentality drives me crazy - if the relationship is being soured by a behaviour of one partner, why is the onus on the other partner to change? 

If someone has a problem/addiction to porn, no amount of lust from their partner is going to change that. The difference is NOT the amount of lust - the porn is NOT lusting after the consumer. :scratchhead: The difference is FANTASY and VARIETY. One woman, no matter how beautiful or sexy or lustful, will never be able to compete with the porn industry.

Further, it is unrealistic to presume that a woman will be able to "need it now, with no warm up and no hesitation", especially given the fact that this particular poster is going to have difficulty feeling connected enough and attractive to her partner. We are humans, after all, despite what pornography may have you believe. 

To the OP, whether or not you think (or your husband thinks) that this is an addiction or not is irrelevant. It is causing problems in your marriage. Is your husband open to discussing that? Would he be willing to see a counsellor? I want to suggest that you check out Recovery Nation's website. There is resources there that can help you.


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## Mr B

Just try and get your insurance to pay for treatment of "sex addiction" or "porn" addiction". They won't. And they won't because both these things are not recognized by the American Psychiatric Association. Without a DSM code number from them no insurance company will cover treatment.

They (the APA) rightly believe that sex and porn "addiction" are simply symptoms of other psychological problems that ARE recognized by them.

Find out what those are and you have an answer as to why the person acts out sexually and an actual real psychological problem that your insurance will pay for treatment for.

The terms "sex addict" and "porn addict" where created by those who seek to reap a financial gain by treating these "addictions" or by right wing religious types who have a moral agenda. The treatments offered by these people (like 12 step groups) only seek to cure the "scratch" not the "itch"


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## PBear

Calling something an addiction also (in my mind) takes away a lot of the responsibility for someone's actions, and thus their guilt for them. But there's a world of difference between "can' stop" and "won't stop".

Porn is something I've struggled with off and on. It's affected my job performance, and likely my marriage. But I've always believed its been a symptom of a problem, not the problem itself. Typically, the issues arise when I'm under stress, and it's an escape from that stress.

But, on the other hand... My GF and I have a pretty incredible sex life. Well, from my perspective, it's fantabulous. Never would have dreamed of so much fun with my clothes off. And my desire for porn is non-existent. We have watched some together, but it's been at her suggestion, and never seems to last long.

Oh, and having said all that about it not being an addiction... There's plenty of things that can negatively affect your marriage that aren't addictions. So whether it's an addiction or not, it still needs to be dealt with.

Just my $0.02...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B

I agree 100% All people who misuse anything that increases the "feel good" brain chemicals like serotonin and dopamine do it because they do not have a normal base level of these, something they were most likely born with. They act out in order to self medicate themselves.

The "addiction" industry never speaks about this but instead puts all the emphasis on the acting out rather than the cause of the acting out.

Until 12 step groups and so called "therapists" for hire recognize the underlying causes nobody gets cured. These types of interventions may temporarily stop the acting out but the patient never gets rid of the urge because they have a physical and psychological need to feel better which is never addressed. By stopping the acting out you put them into a situation where they not only continue to suffer with the brain chemical problem they also now have to fight desperate urges too. this is a particularly nasty form of psychological and in some cases (as with alcohol and drug abuse) physical torture. 

Which is why extremely high relapse rates are the 12 step groups' and in patient therapy businesses' dirty little secret. However it does make for a lot of repeat business which they love. 

If you or someone you know is acting out see a psychiatrist first. They are the ones qualified to dig deep to find the cause of these psychological illnesses and treat them properly.


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## stupad

Mr B said:


> Which is why extremely high relapse rates are the 12 step groups' and in patient therapy businesses' dirty little secret. However it does make for a lot of repeat business which they love.
> 
> If you or someone you know is acting out see a psychiatrist first. They are the ones qualified to dig deep to find the cause of these psychological illnesses and treat them properly.


You may get banned or the thread shut down for not supporting the 12 step stuff around here. Careful.


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