# Marriage on the rocks



## CaHopeful14 (3 mo ago)

Hi all. New here and feeling sad and scared like never before. My wife just hit me with the ‘separation’ bomb, I knew we had our issues, we both did, but man I did not see that coming.

We have been together for 11 years, 7 of those married, and have two amazing kids under 5. We traveled and lived in a different country before settling back in the area we first met and building our life together as we both wanted and planned together. We got the house, and the kids followed soon after. We both worked hard and supported each in our goals. It was kind of more than a dream come true to me.

Then Covid hit, not an excuse for our issues, but definitely when they started. Our very young children’s day care closed and my wife’s work was made remote for her office closures. My work did not close offices as it was considered essential, so I still went in everyday. My wife had to work from home and be responsible for two kids who depended on us to live. I can’t imagine how tough that was for over half a year for her, but I always told her and thought I was showing her how incredible she was, and how thankful I was to her and for her. She expressed to me that she needed help with this, that she was overworked and stressed managing all of this, but looking with hindsight, neither of us dove deep enough in this conversation, or I missed something bigger, I want to be completely honest through this. I immediately switched my schedule at work (which was not easy to do given the work and management) to get home earlier so I could jump in as soon as I was home to take the kids and give my wife a much needed, and deserved break. I also loved being home earlier in the day as it gave me more time to be with my family. I didn’t know what else I could do at that point, as we required both incomes to pay for the house and everything that comes with two young children.

My wife was still overwhelmed, and I suppose this is when the breakdowns really started in our communication. She shutdown from me emotionally and physically. Btw- the physical part of this is not my concern, but adding it to let it all out. I tried to talk to her, at least I believe that, and she expressed that she had nothing left to give at the end of the day from being overwhelmed, like her cup was empty. I did not like hearing that of course, I never did or want her to feel like that ever again. Still we didn’t dive deeper into this, a huge missed opportunity that I may regret for the rest of my life. From there, I could feel something from her, unspoken resentment, so I would come home from work, always happy to be home, but feeling like I had to be extra ‘on’ to best support my wife, while trying to provide her some alone time to refill her cup and get the kiddos off my wife’s plate. At least as much as that was possible during the shutdowns.

Unfortunately this dynamic became a routine instead of us working on something new together, and communicating, both sending and actually receiving our messages was failing. The kids were happy, but we weren’t as happy for different reasons. She had resentment that I wasn’t helping enough, and I had resentment that she had emotionally shut down on me, and it felt like all she wanted to do was tell me I was wrong with everything I was doing when I thought I was trying to help or just even plan something for us to do as a family. I felt low, like I was losing and probably lost most of my self esteem and self worth through all this. I still had loads of value in being dad and suppose I concentrated on this more than our marriage. Neither of us were. Through all this, my wife was and still is an amazing mom, and I still think the world of her for everything she is and does.

Wow that was a lot, I don’t think I’ve ever shared so much. There’s more in there, but to get to now..

The resentful feelings have been with each of us for about a couple years, and we had the blow up argument that was wayyyyy overdue about 3 weeks ago. We finally aired it all out, her disappointment in me and mine in her. It led to a few uncomfortable nights and discussions after the kids were in bed and a lot of tears, but it also led to what I thought was our first real steps to progress and repair. We communicated that we both were hurt by the other with neglect and failure to follow through for the other person. We wanted to reprioritize our relationship and took steps to making this happen - date nights out, planking home date nights, putting away the phones after the kids went to bed, reconnecting emotionally and physically.

I never wanted anything more in my life. I always loved my wife through all this, and was ready to work on this with all of me in it. My wife is an amazing planner, sometimes a little too much so. So we made a list of our life necessities and priorities that she was still feeling burdened with. We made plans to how we could lessen this on her, whether that meant me taking on whatever more I could, or doing weekly meal prepping ahead of time, things like that. It was working, we were being open and communicating, reconnecting emotionally and physically too. We enjoyed a fun date night out overnight, we talked about what we also wanted to do for ourselves, so we could be full people again, and how we could support each other with this. I planned in home date nights, cause as amazing as going out alone was, we have our kids who we love, and date nights out weren’t going to happen as often as in home nights.

So this reconnecting and committing may have only been 3 weeks so far, but it was feeling better. But I noticed her shutting down again. Something felt off again from her, so I asked her how she was doing about 3 days ago, and I didn’t get much response, but the response I got just didn’t feel good or possibly truthful. She told me that she had a work dinner the next night at a fancy restaurant near her work and would be home after the dinner, I told her that sounded fun and I hope she had a great time. However like I said before, something felt off and I admit I was feeling insecure. (Just a quick aside note- a few weeks ago we were having a chat with one of our couple friends who said something about knowing where each other was with the Find My Phone app. My wife also mentioned that she had looked at mine before too. I didn’t even know this existed until then, but really thought nothing of it at the time). So I’m disappointed in myself, but I did look at the app, hoping to be an idiot and see her location at the restaurant, but it definitely didn’t show her at the restaurant she said she was going to from work. It showed her in a different city at a bar. Now I don’t know how accurate these things are, and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so when she got home I asked her how the night was, thinking she may say that when the dinner ended, they decided to go out of the way to this bar for a work colleagues drink. However far out of the way that may be.. So I sucked it up and admitted that I looked at the app, and let her know that I saw it showed her in the different city. I asked if she went to that city at some point in the night, with no accusations made. She got defensive and upset that I ‘tracked’ her, and I apologized for this and was open with her that something felt off, and that I am staying open with everything with her, and hoping she is doing the same.

This led to another intense discussion, in which she dropped the ‘separation’ bomb. I have been kind of a wreck since, 2+ days, but remaining hopeful that this can work out. Even with her saying she wants to separate, I am not ready to throw in the towel on all the time and everything we have built together. I told her very vulnerably that I am still all in in repairing, rebuilding, and make us awesome again as a couple and individuals. We’ve done too much together to throw it away without fighting for us, now that we have finally opened up. That I know this isn’t an easy fix, but I’m willing and ready to put everything into it until it works, or it’s not going to work. I tell her I’m so hopeful for these things and believe with my entire being that it can happen. I’ve never been so open and vulnerable. 

I’m not naive, there more to each side of this story and I know we have both made mistakes through all of this. Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, but I don’t believe that is who any part of my wife is. 

I suppose I write this to see if anyone has gone through something like this, to get any honest insight to whether you were able to repair your relationship or what else may have happened. I can’t believe I wrote all this down, and thank anyone who made it to the end. 
-Hopeful in CA


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CaHopeful14 said:


> Hi all. New here and feeling sad and scared like never before. My wife just hit me with the ‘separation’ bomb, I knew we had our issues, we both did, but man I did not see that coming.
> 
> We have been together for 11 years, 7 of those married, and have two amazing kids under 5. We traveled and lived in a different country before settling back in the area we first met and building our life together as we both wanted and planned together. We got the house, and the kids followed soon after. We both worked hard and supported each in our goals. It was kind of more than a dream come true to me.
> 
> ...


@CaHopeful14 Welcome to TAM, I'm really sorry you're here.

Lots of men and women come here with similar experiences and many will chime in soon. But on the surface, this doesn't look good at all. At the very minimum, your wife is lying to you and going to a bar or bars.

Why would she do that? Many possible reasons but when she checks out from you emotionally and physically while lying to you about her plans... it's a red flag for infidelity. Don't discount that thought.

But she also may be tired and burnt out and wanting to see what single is like again or who knows. Why did she say she went there?

Does she go places alone often?

It sounds like she was trying to come back to you (assuming there is another man in the picture) but it fell through and now she's committing the other way.

Check your phone bill for anomalies and if you find them, keep quiet.

I wish the best for you. Others will be along soon with lots of thoughts, tips, and advice. Most everyone here has been through some form of betrayal or hurt by their spouse and there's a vast amount of experience here. Keep posting here, at a minimum it helps to talk things out.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@CaHopeful14 

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

many people will give a good feedback on your situation, and what you had written exactly sounds similar to all stories under coping with infidelity 

first and most - you haven't done anything wrong, everything you had before and after trying to repair is a normal marriage - your home is your safe zone and relax time and it is sad to see that you need to stay up on your toes at work and home to make everyone happy

your wife, is acting that way not because of you or how you are doing at home, she is acting that way because she has been cheating for a while. shutting down physically means she is getting it from someone else. 

she lying and being defensive means she was on a date and had sex that night. think about, if you and the guys decided to a change a plan and go from golfing to a bar or dinner would become defensive and accuse your spouse of spying?

my recommendation:

1- stay under radar and monitor, try accessing her phone, messages, emails, photos 
2- install VR in her car or at home. 
3- watch when she takes showers 
4- separate your finances and consult with an attorney 

again, you didnt do anything wrong, your wife is - and please if you confirm she is having an affair please please dont say lets work together on fixing/forgiven/crying/ask her to stay, if you do any of that you basically destroyed the last thing in your marriage which is your dignity. 

while you were stressed and sad and trying your best to help everyone she is going out on dates and most likely sleeping with someone. 

it is time for you to do the points 1-4 and also do the silent treatment - dont talk to her or discuss anything. she is 1000 steps a head of you and she is buying her time by making you work on repairing the marriage. I'm sure she has taken some money from your joint accounts and had seen an attorney. 

it is now your time to focus on yourself and proceed forward without her, find an attorney and consult with them. NEVER NEVER NEVER look week or sad because of her

find out who that person and report them to HR or if they are married to his spouse.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is way too early to claim she had sex.
It was a date, a get together that probably started and germinated, a few months ago.

I would think she met up with a co-worker, and **almost, just as likely, could be a sympathetic female

However, her asking for a **separation is key.
That rather points to a male interest, but this remains discoverable.

It could be that the discoverable co-worker is toxic to your marriage.
I would think so.

I will posit, that most males would want to meet up in a bar.
He would want to get her sauced, to get her guard down.

Most females would want to meet up in a coffee shop, or restaurant.

I do not know, yet.

She may be, just another, and soon to be, '_walk away wife.'

_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sounds like she might be having an affair, actually. 

It also sounds like she blames you for a life event that was stressful for her (her working from home, daycares closed, your essential job outside the home) and that's not cool, at all. If she harbors resentment about life events beyond your control that's a massive personality flaw. Sometimes it just sucks the way the cookie crumbles and she's wrong to take it out on you.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Easy to summarize really…your W got bored and stopped trying in the marriage and has decided to see if the grass is greener. I don’t care about Covid and her having to stay home with the kids. That’s life. Marriage is work. 

She wants to separate so she can really take a look at the other grass. Perhaps she has someone in mind already that she wants to pursue. The key is YOU have the upper hand and need to take it. If you want to stay married, she needs to agree to couples counseling ASAP for a minimum of 6 months. If she balks at that, let her walk. You didn’t beg her to marry you and shouldn’t have to beg her to stay. Not what you want to hear I’m sure..but once someone has checked out of a marriage, you need to do what’s best for you. 

The thing you will eventually have to decide is if you will take her back when she eventually comes crawling back. Bank on that happening. Hopefully you will tell her no.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

CaHopeful14 said:


> We have been together for 11 years, 7 of those married, and have two amazing kids under 5.
> 
> ......The resentful feelings have been with each of us for about a couple years, and *we had the blow up argument that was wayyyyy overdue about 3 weeks ago*.
> 
> ...


I am sorry that you are in the situation you are. Your discussion indicates you are very aware of what happened and what the issues are within your relationship. I want to congratulate you for your insights.

The pressures of change brought on by Covid has crushed many marriages either for financial, or interpersonal reasons. It sounded like the two of you had a great conversation and figured out a plan to reconnect. That is amazing, congratulations to both of you.

First of all, the trackers are pretty accurate or they wouldn't be worth having. Second, you could tell your wife was not being truthful with you, so you have no reason to feel bad about using the tracker to figure out where she was.

When confronted with the truth that she lied to you, she attacked and she escalated the confrontation by saying she wanted a separation. Focus on that for a few moments. 

She now knows you are watching her. My suggestion is that you sit down with her for a very serious discussion while the kids are somewhere else. Tell her very honestly (if it is true as you posted) that infidelity would be the end of your marriage. Make sure she understands your boundary very clearly. You may want to figure out if an emotional affair also counts as infedelity in your mind (and you can rightly do so if you want). As you posted, tell her you cannot believe she would do such a thing, but you just want her to understand what your limits are. Tell her that you are committed to continuing to rebuild your relationship, *IF SHE* is committed to rebuilding your marriage as well. If she says she will commit to rebuilding the marriage, then suggest that the two of you go to marriage counseling sessions to further help the process of rebuilding your marriage.

If she comes back to you that you spied on her and that was wrong, tell her that she lied to you about where she was and that was also wrong. If she persists, tell her that after being with her for 11 years, her tone of voice, her facial expressions, and her body language communicate far more information that she thinks they do. Tell her she really needs to be more honest with you in the future, because you can tell when she is not telling you the truth.

Another couple of suggestions would be to find out if there isn't someone in your neighborhood who couldn't babysit your kids one night a week. Also think about hiring someone to come in and do some house cleaning once every other week to provide your wife with a little more free time.

Finally, on the weekends, why don't you offer to take the kids out walking or to a park, zoo, museum, etc. one day on the weekend as "Dad's day with the kids" so she has some time to recharge herself.

I think it will be telling if she doesn't commit to rebuilding your marriage or if she wants to have a separation. Either of those could be signs that the going to the bar was a much more serious red flag than you believe. She will also have been put on notice as to the marriage boundaries.

Good luck.

P.S. In the rebuilding of my marriage, I was advised that it took about a month of marriage counseling for each year of significant marriage problems. Spend time interviewing and learning about different approaches to marriage counseling. Getting the right person is absolutely critical. Make sure you have written goals and some timelines at which progress will be evaluated and if counseling should continue. You would expect a construction company that would put a new roof on your home to provide you with some goals and schedule as well as progress reports.

My experience is that Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottmans approach are the two that I like the best. Others may be more appropriate, but make sure you understand the training you marriage counselor has had and the approach they take to marriage counseling.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

*CaHopeful14 *Yes, you can still get your marriage back, the question is: do you really want to? I mean, it sounds as though your wife may be engaging in shady activity... On the one hand, she claims to be overwhelmed, and on the other, she's not in places she previously said she was going to be. Firstly, let's get something out of the way, if she is "overwhelmed" and hasn't lost any weight at all, she's pulling your leg: Calories don't lie, people do. Secondly, when you're married with kids, there's no privacy or anonymity: ALL ought to be on the table at ALL times, including a bar she said she was going to be in and turned out to not be the case. 

To me, it sounds as though something may be going on with a coworker. Like others said, start monitoring her conversations. Start with the iPhone (calls/texts, WhatsApp, Messenger, etc). If you don't pick up anything, that means she's conversing via her work computer or burner phone. But you have to do it quickly because secrecy is the first sign that she's doing something she knows you would NOT approve of. 

Unfortunately, your case sounds like a classic monkey-branching case and those are tough to scale back because the female has already moved on emotionally. *BUT*, that has a fix. It's a difficult fix, but it can be done.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> In the rebuilding of my marriage, I was advised that it took about a month of marriage counseling for each year of significant marriage problems. Spend time interviewing and learning about different approaches to marriage counseling. Getting the right person is absolutely critical. Make sure you have written goals and some timelines at which progress will be evaluated and if counseling should continue. You would expect a construction company that would put a new roof on your home to provide you with some goals and schedule as well as progress reports.
> 
> My experience is that Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy and Gottmans approach are the two that I like the best. Others may be more appropriate, but make sure you understand the training you marriage counselor has had and the approach they take to marriage counseling.


I basically agree with all of that, (although a couple who have been having problems for only half a year are not going to fix it in two sessions. I'd say assume a minimum of 6 sessions, and that's if both people engage). 

Just the same as a construction company would say, the meeting of the schedule will require _your active cooperation_. 
Progress milestone 1 might be that the therapist and the couple can talk about what has happened, without the couple interrupting each other, or anyone having a meltdown or just sitting silent. 
I'd hope we can do that within 4 sessions. Some couples can do it on day 1. Some couples never manage it, because they don't really try.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think your scenario is fairly typical. When work and children become the priority the marriage suffers. No doubt she did not feel your support even when she asked for it. Feeling that you didn't care as she did not get your support and feeling overwhelmed with work and caring for the children it is not surprising that she might be looking outside of the marriage. It doesn't mean it is hopeless. I would suggest marriage counseling.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I have also posted a similar post on another thread.
Rarely will wives walk out from a marriage knowing they`ll be worse off unless a husband is extremely mentally or physically abusive or having affairs. Most will have a plan B, meaning *could* be either another guy or even a woman.
Does your wife have any mental issues or drink or drug addictions?
In many cases if a wife asks for a trial separation or some me time or claims she needs some space, it possibly means she has an affair partner or she wants to revert to living a single partying lifestyle, or as known in the trade, riding the carousel.
The fact that your wife is pushing you away, going out and not being where she is supposed to be means she likely she is doing other stuff that she doesn`t want you to know about and is extremely suspect, something is off here.
My advice is, discreetly begin checking out her online activities, social media and cell phone if possible. And if you know your wife is going out with friends, follow her or unexpectedly turn up to where she is or even ask a friend who your wife doesn`t know to do this, but do begin scrutinizing who she talks to, where she goes and who with.
If you can afford it, hire the services of a PI.
Regardless, you need to do something before she drops another bombshell and files for divorce which could be on the cards. This happened to me with my first wife.
Keep us updated.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Sounds like she might be having an affair, actually.
> 
> It also sounds like she blames you for a life event that was stressful for her (her working from home, daycares closed, your essential job outside the home) and that's not cool, at all. If she harbors resentment about life events beyond your control that's a massive personality flaw. Sometimes it just sucks the way the cookie crumbles and she's wrong to take it out on you.


OP, read and then re-read what Livvie has said here. This is what I was thinking as well when reading your story.

everyone knows here that no one is perfect. Everyone knows that both spouses own 50% of the responsibility of the marriage. I’m sure you’ve made your mistakes. We all have. I’m sensing no accountability on the part of your wife. None. She is blaming everyone else for life events that were out of everyone’s control.

so she is showing you a serious character flaw. She is GREAT when everything is going great. The moment life throws a curveball she is faltering and everything is your fault. Sounds like a very weak-willed person to me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP you seem like a nice educated person with your head screwed on based on your writing ability and your acknowledgment that you possibly could have done things differently.

Unfortunately when I read your story it reads like someone desperately trying to resurrect something that isn’t there anymore.

When I read your description of recent events it appears to me as if she’s preparing to leave for good and just going through the motions to not upset the apple cart too much in the meantime.

In particular, your feeling that something is up with her “work dinner” which was confirmed as being phony is kind of a dead giveaway is it not?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You need to take control of your situation immediately and not let your wife dictate the terms of your marriage and eventual divorce - because that’s where it’s going.

DO NOT allow a separation, period.
A separation is only a way to

ease into a divorce at her convenience,
and/or
try out another man/men. Do not allow a separation. She can work on her issues at home, as your wife. You can give her some space without a separation.
She’s either your wife or she’s not.
Do not tolerate anything in between.
If she insists she needs a separation to figure things out, YOU file for divorce immediately - because that is what she is choosing. She just wants to do it at her convenience.
If she insists on a separation, she is choosing to no longer be your wife, you need to respond accordingly.
You need to act immediately in your own best interest. Speak to a lawyer and start preparing, I assure you she is already two steps ahead of you.

And now for the shady “work” dinner situation and her reaction to being called out. She is already engaging in inappropriate and deceitful behavior at best, and full betrayal with another man at worst.
It is highly likely that she wants this “separation“ so she can have enough space to try out another man out of your view.

As noted above, you must refuse to allow any separation. But you also need to start thinking about whether or not you even want her back at this point, depending on the level of betrayal that may have already occurred.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

SCDad01 said:


> Easy to summarize really…your W got bored and stopped trying in the marriage and has decided to see if the grass is greener. I don’t care about Covid and her having to stay home with the kids. That’s life. Marriage is work.
> 
> She wants to separate so she can really take a look at the other grass. Perhaps she has someone in mind already that she wants to pursue. The key is YOU have the upper hand and need to take it. If you want to stay married, she needs to agree to couples counseling ASAP for a minimum of 6 months. If she balks at that, let her walk. You didn’t beg her to marry you and shouldn’t have to beg her to stay. Not what you want to hear I’m sure..but once someone has checked out of a marriage, you need to do what’s best for you.
> 
> The thing you will eventually have to decide is if you will take her back when she eventually comes crawling back. Bank on that happening. Hopefully you will tell her no.


Agreed, he needs to approach this from a position of strength. The conversation is fairly straightforward.
“Wife, there will be no separation. We are either married or we’re not, and I will not accept anything in between.
You’re either all in to work on our marriage together, or you’re all out. That’s your choice.”

And if she chooses to stay and work on the marriage together, the follow-up condition is this:
“Wife, I will not be married to someone who lies, deceives and betrays me. I want to be all-in as well to work on our marriage together, but to do that, I need to know exactly what happened with that “work dinner.“
“I need to know everything, no lies, no omissions. I will validate what you tell me and any lies or relevant omissions = divorce.
I already know that you’ve crossed boundaries, lied and deceived me. I need to know the full extent to consider moving forward with you.
Think about it, and tomorrow I’ll expect a full, written description and timeline of everything that happened that night, or a note that tells me to move forward with the divorce. There is no in between.”


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> The conversation is fairly straightforward.
> “Wife, there will be no separation. We are either married or we’re not, and I will not accept anything in between.
> You’re either all in to work on our marriage together, or you’re all out. That’s your choice.”


Yeah, I agree, "separation" usually makes things worse. Either the marriage is over, or you're both working on it, and moving out doesn't help with working on it.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

She wants a separation because she's up to no good, so give her more than what she wants and file for divorce. She has been mistreating you for a while now, don't take it any more.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

CaHopeful14 said:


> Hi all. New here and feeling sad and scared like never before. My wife just hit me with the ‘separation’ bomb, I knew we had our issues, we both did, but man I did not see that coming.
> 
> We have been together for 11 years, 7 of those married, and have two amazing kids under 5. We traveled and lived in a different country before settling back in the area we first met and building our life together as we both wanted and planned together. We got the house, and the kids followed soon after. We both worked hard and supported each in our goals. It was kind of more than a dream come true to me.
> 
> ...


"Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, *but I don’t believe that is who any part of my wife is."*

What you believe is likely very different from the reality of your situation. 
Hire a private investigator to confirm for you whether or not your wife is with another man. The more information you have the better you are able to make an informed choice.

"_I asked if she went to that city at some point in the night, with no accusations made. *She got defensive and upset that I ‘tracked’ her,* and I apologized for this and was open with her that something felt off, and that I am staying open with everything with her, and hoping she is doing the same._"

If your wife's interactions were above board then she would not get defensive. People get defensive when they have secrets to hide and keep.

You are hoping that she will be as transparent as you. You will truly be in for a shock my friend. Queensbury rules and chivalry are all luxuries best appreciated in fiction and fantasy. In the business of relationships and "separation" and ultimately divorce you have given your wife the advantage.

If you truly want answers, they are already in front of you. If you want more proof then you better start investigating or hire a professional to do it for you. Blindly trusting your wife and hoping for the best will leave you disappointed and blindsided.

All the best regardless.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You know she is cheating on you right?

She wants to separate so she can see her lover without making up excuses. 

Her resentment towards you is bullcrap. You bent over backwards to help her and she still wanted more from you.

Tell her to leave if she wants a separation. Do not leave the home yourself. Carry a voice activated recorder on you. Talk with a lawyer. Get a 50/50 custody plan set up. If you’re the primary caregiver, try and get primary in the custody plan. Also set it up that you are the first to contact if she needs a babysitter on her time and keep a record of it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Have you yourself had an affair in the past? Maybe been in love with someone, or had a crush, or another female friend that was more important than her?

You wrote a lengthy post about her shutting down because she needed more help, and it appears you really did go above and beyond to help her. So I don’t understand why she would be shutting down and resentful because she needed more help? Because it’s clear you actually helped a lot. So it doesn’t make sense that this would be her reason for putting up a wall. In fact, she appears to have done a 180. Your entire post went from telling us all the help you have her, to things blowing up and then her wanting to end the marriage. 

There seems to be a gap in the story. I hope some more details will help us help you.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Here's the rule of thumb. Never grant a separation. A separation is simply code speak for sleeping around with a willing and waiting plan B in the wings.

Respect yourself, you are no-one's plan B.

Tell her that she is free to use the door and that it is an exit only. If she steps out, file for divorce and have her served.

In the mean time, I agree with @Livvie , the signs of an affair is all over the place. I would investigate were I you. Maybe in the end of all of this, you'll be the one so disgusted with her that you wouldn't want her in your life and she the one pleading to give it another shot.

Granted, all of this is simple speculation based on the normal trends of relationships and what you wrote, but this speculation has been proven accurate more often than not.

Protect yourself, because she has made herself your enemy and no enemy can be more formidable than one who knows all your secrets and swore faithfulness for life to you, yet turns around and breaks every promise.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Luckylucky said:


> Have you yourself had an affair in the past? Maybe been in love with someone, or had a crush, or another female friend that was more important than her?
> 
> You wrote a lengthy post about her shutting down because she needed more help, and it appears you really did go above and beyond to help her. So I don’t understand why she would be shutting down and resentful because she needed more help? Because it’s clear you actually helped a lot. So it doesn’t make sense that this would be her reason for putting up a wall. In fact, she appears to have done a 180. Your entire post went from telling us all the help you have her, to things blowing up and then her wanting to end the marriage.
> 
> There seems to be a gap in the story. I hope some more details will help us help you.


Why in the hell do some people almost always try to find away to blame the guy?

Could it be, like so many other cheaters that turn into the devil in the way they treat their so when cheating.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This isn’t the only story I have read where the wife has acted exactly like your wife. The husband in a couple of them found out that their wife was cheating. They were cheating before the lockdown happened and their bad moods were the result of not seeing the AP’s. They also found excuses to go out at times just for a quickie.

It really sounds like your wife has been cheating on you for years.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

I am not supposed to tell you your wife is cheating on you because you will stop posting here from everyone telling you that is what is happening. 

Just read a bunch of threads in the infidelity section and see if your situation is at all unique.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sorry you find yourself here, OP. What does she hope to gain by separating, did she say? Many couples who separate, one of the spouses decides to 'test the dating waters' and then if they find someone 'better' than their spouse, they decide to divorce. Or some use it to reflect and then decide, if divorce is right. If she feels burdened, I'm thinking separating would create more of a burden for her, so what does she hope to get out of separating?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, I agree, "separation" usually makes things worse. Either the marriage is over, or you're both working on it, and moving out doesn't help with working on it.


Yep....two sayings come to mind.

1. Out of the house, out of the marriage
2. Separation is preparation


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## symahomed (3 mo ago)

CaHopeful14 said:


> Hi all. New here and feeling sad and scared like never before. My wife just hit me with the ‘separation’ bomb, I knew we had our issues, we both did, but man I did not see that coming. We have been together for 11 years, 7 of those married, and have two amazing kids under 5. We traveled and lived in a different country before settling back in the area we first met and building our life together as we both wanted and planned together. We got the house, and the kids followed soon after. We both worked hard and supported each in our goals. It was kind of more than a dream come true to me. Then Covid hit, not an excuse for our issues, but definitely when they started. Our very young children’s day care closed and my wife’s work was made remote for her office closures. My work did not close offices as it was considered essential, so I still went in everyday. My wife had to work from home and be responsible for two kids who depended on us to live. I can’t imagine how tough that was for over half a year for her, but I always told her and thought I was showing her how incredible she was, and how thankful I was to her and for her. She expressed to me that she needed help with this, that she was overworked and stressed managing all of this, but looking with hindsight, neither of us dove deep enough in this conversation, or I missed something bigger, I want to be completely honest through this. I immediately switched my schedule at work (which was not easy to do given the work and management) to get home earlier so I could jump in as soon as I was home to take the kids and give my wife a much needed, and deserved break. I also loved being home earlier in the day as it gave me more time to be with my family. I didn’t know what else I could do at that point, as we required both incomes to pay for the house and everything that comes with two young children. My wife was still overwhelmed, and I suppose this is when the breakdowns really started in our communication. She shutdown from me emotionally and physically. Btw- the physical part of this is not my concern, but adding it to let it all out. I tried to talk to her, at least I believe that, and she expressed that she had nothing left to give at the end of the day from being overwhelmed, like her cup was empty. I did not like hearing that of course, I never did or want her to feel like that ever again. Still we didn’t dive deeper into this, a huge missed opportunity that I may regret for the rest of my life. From there, I could feel something from her, unspoken resentment, so I would come home from work, always happy to be home, but feeling like I had to be extra ‘on’ to best support my wife, while trying to provide her some alone time to refill her cup and get the kiddos off my wife’s plate. At least as much as that was possible during the shutdowns. Unfortunately this dynamic became a routine instead of us working on something new together, and communicating, both sending and actually receiving our messages was failing. The kids were happy, but we weren’t as happy for different reasons. She had resentment that I wasn’t helping enough, and I had resentment that she had emotionally shut down on me, and it felt like all she wanted to do was tell me I was wrong with everything I was doing when I thought I was trying to help or just even plan something for us to do as a family. I felt low, like I was losing and probably lost most of my self esteem and self worth through all this. I still had loads of value in being dad and suppose I concentrated on this more than our marriage. Neither of us were. Through all this, my wife was and still is an amazing mom, and I still think the world of her for everything she is and does. Wow that was a lot, I don’t think I’ve ever shared so much. There’s more in there, but to get to now.. The resentful feelings have been with each of us for about a couple years, and we had the blow up argument that was wayyyyy overdue about 3 weeks ago. We finally aired it all out, her disappointment in me and mine in her. It led to a few uncomfortable nights and discussions after the kids were in bed and a lot of tears, but it also led to what I thought was our first real steps to progress and repair. We communicated that we both were hurt by the other with neglect and failure to follow through for the other person. We wanted to reprioritize our relationship and took steps to making this happen - date nights out, planking home date nights, putting away the phones after the kids went to bed, reconnecting emotionally and physically. I never wanted anything more in my life. I always loved my wife through all this, and was ready to work on this with all of me in it. My wife is an amazing planner, sometimes a little too much so. So we made a list of our life necessities and priorities that she was still feeling burdened with. We made plans to how we could lessen this on her, whether that meant me taking on whatever more I could, or doing weekly meal prepping ahead of time, things like that. It was working, we were being open and communicating, reconnecting emotionally and physically too. We enjoyed a fun date night out overnight, we talked about what we also wanted to do for ourselves, so we could be full people again, and how we could support each other with this. I planned in home date nights, cause as amazing as going out alone was, we have our kids who we love, and date nights out weren’t going to happen as often as in home nights. So this reconnecting and committing may have only been 3 weeks so far, but it was feeling better. But I noticed her shutting down again. Something felt off again from her, so I asked her how she was doing about 3 days ago, and I didn’t get much response, but the response I got just didn’t feel good or possibly truthful. She told me that she had a work dinner the next night at a fancy restaurant near her work and would be home after the dinner, I told her that sounded fun and I hope she had a great time. However like I said before, something felt off and I admit I was feeling insecure. (Just a quick aside note- a few weeks ago we were having a chat with one of our couple friends who said something about knowing where each other was with the Find My Phone app. My wife also mentioned that she had looked at mine before too. I didn’t even know this existed until then, but really thought nothing of it at the time). So I’m disappointed in myself, but I did look at the app, hoping to be an idiot and see her location at the restaurant, but it definitely didn’t show her at the restaurant she said she was going to from work. It showed her in a different city at a bar. Now I don’t know how accurate these things are, and I didn’t want to jump to conclusions, so when she got home I asked her how the night was, thinking she may say that when the dinner ended, they decided to go out of the way to this bar for a work colleagues drink. However far out of the way that may be.. So I sucked it up and admitted that I looked at the app, and let her know that I saw it showed her in the different city. I asked if she went to that city at some point in the night, with no accusations made. She got defensive and upset that I ‘tracked’ her, and I apologized for this and was open with her that something felt off, and that I am staying open with everything with her, and hoping she is doing the same. This led to another intense discussion, in which she dropped the ‘separation’ bomb. I have been kind of a wreck since, 2+ days, but remaining hopeful that this can work out. Even with her saying she wants to separate, I am not ready to throw in the towel on all the time and everything we have built together. I told her very vulnerably that I am still all in in repairing, rebuilding, and make us awesome again as a couple and individuals. We’ve done too much together to throw it away without fighting for us, now that we have finally opened up. That I know this isn’t an easy fix, but I’m willing and ready to put everything into it until it works, or it’s not going to work. I tell her I’m so hopeful for these things and believe with my entire being that it can happen. I’ve never been so open and vulnerable. I’m not naive, there more to each side of this story and I know we have both made mistakes through all of this. Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me, but I don’t believe that is who any part of my wife is. I suppose I write this to see if anyone has gone through something like this, to get any honest insight to whether you were able to repair your relationship or what else may have happened. I can’t believe I wrote all this down, and thank anyone who made it to the end. -Hopeful in CA


 There is no easy answer to this question. There are no magic tricks that will fix everything and make your wife suddenly fall back in love with you. However, there are a few things you can do to help improve your relationship and save your marriage. The first thing you can do is go to therapy together. This can be a difficult step for many men to take, but it is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage. An experienced therapist can help you and your wife work through your issues together and provide valuable insight and advice on how to improve your relationship. Another thing you can do is start having regular communication with your wife again. If you both feel comfortable enough, have regular conversations about your feelings and what's going on in your lives. Also, try to begin dating your wife again - go on dates, do activities together, and spend time alone together without the kids. This can help rekindle the spark in your marriage and help you reconnect with each other. Finally, put the effort into making your marriage a priority. Start taking steps toward living a more intentional life and being more present in all areas of your life - at work, at home, and in all your relationships. These are all small actions that can lead to big results if done consistently over time. But most importantly, remember that saving a marriage is a team effort - both you and your wife have to be committed to making it work for it to last!


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