# Complicated - Need Help



## Tarnished (Oct 29, 2009)

***As to keep you from reading it twice - this was also posted in Relationship Discussion***


I don't even know where to start.... I suppose the beginning is as good as any place... I'm 24, my husband is 35. We met back in December of 2006, shortly after I divorced my first husband and he had recently ended a 5 year relationship. 

Things moved a long very quickly... we moved in with each other after about 6 months and we married this past February... which I'm now thinking we shouldn't have done. 

We had been having problems for at least 6 months before we got married. I didn't feel he really cared if he spent time with me or not, he didn't feel like I could ever do enough... no matter what job I had in or outside of the home (I have a 3 year old, he has a 13 year old and a 15 year old) Not only did I take them to school and pick them up every day, I worked - waitressing or other odd jobs while they were in school - I cleaned the house, cooked all the meals, handled the finances, took care of the kids, did all the shopping... He works, he works very hard and is "on-call" 2 weeks out of the month working all hours of the night... so I really didn't mind having so much on my shoulders with him working as much as he did... but I did feel like I deserved more than "you call that a job?" or "why didn't the floors get swept today?"

I became so exhausted with my daily routine that at night I would crash... our sex life was almost non-existant. When I would try to make an effort - he never had time - he would be on the computer playing games and I would walk in wearing some sexy nighty and he would just look at me like I was wasting my time - which also left me feeling as though he wasn't attracted to me. 

We decided that we needed to spend more time together - get out of the house, away from distractions and just try to reconnect by going out to concerts, dinner, movies, etc. A friend of mine is in a band and they were playing in a club about 2 hours away from our home. We decided that we would go and stay the night, come home the next day. This was about 4 months ago.

That night, we went to the concert, we both had quite a bit to drink, we went back to our hotel room. That night, my husband raped me. And I don't know how else to put it as I don't want to come right out and say it - it still hurts to much - but it wasn't where you would initially think when you think about someone being raped. It was a very traumatic ordeal - I honestly thought he was going to kill me that night. I screamed and cried for him to stop and he wouldn't stop. He kept saying the most horrible things to me. I felt so dirty, so used. How could my HUSBAND do this to me?! Afterwards, I got up and took a shower, cried and watched blood run down the drain - while he laid in the bed and slept.

The next morning, I confronted him about it - asking him why... he said he didn't know what I was talking about, he didn't remember and that he didn't want to talk about it - he had a hangover.

For three months, I never said another word about it to anyone - including him. I tried defending him in my head - he was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing - but I couldn't find myself able to forgive him for what he did to me. And still haven't to this day. Everytime he would touch me, I could feel my skin crawl and I was right back in that hotel room begging him to stop.

Fast forward 2 months later - I ran into a man who was in the band with my friend... there was an instant attraction - physical and nothing more. I slept with this man, on two occasions. At the time, my husband was none the wiser... but I put a stop to the affair.

There were still problems at home, we began fighting almost constantly. I didn't want him touching me, I didn't want to talk to him. He began being what he called "playful" he would hold me down and grope me. I told him I didn't like it, but he wouldn't stop. One night during an argument about this... I confronted him about the rape. He still claimed that he didn't remember doing it and at that time - he said well if I did, it was your fault too because we were both drunk.

I began working more and finding more things outside the house to do just to stay away from him. About a month ago, My friend Mary and I decided that we both just needed a girls night out to get away from everything... I ended up telling her everything - about the rape, about the affair that night.... also that night I met a man that I ended up spending most of the night with. We talked and we kissed... I went home that night and the door was locked, when I finally got him to open the door and after a brief arguement about my being out so late - my husband told me that he wanted a divorce. I didn't try to fight him, I actually felt relieved. The next day - he said he didn't mean it - he was just mad. Little did he know at the time i was still speaking to the man from the bar. 

Four days later, my husband started going through my phone - he discovered that I had been talking to this man, Roger... and needless to say - he was furious. At three in the morning I woke up to him screaming and yelling. "WHO IS THIS MAN?" And the questions began - I told him that we were just friends, that nothing had happened.... by this time - I had already met up with this man on more than one occasion - in which we talked and shared a goodbye kiss each time... nothing more. And in no way am I saying that it makes it any better that we haven't slept together.

My husband ended up finding out the complete truth about the night that I met Roger, and found out that I was still talking to him. I also told him about the first affair. And we re-hashed the rape - he wanted details... so I gave them.

He has since apologized for the rape and even wants to take partial blame for my running to another man....

He wants to make our marriage work. I'm not so sure.... I'm not very sure about anything at this point.

We have started counciling on our own trying to deal with our individual issues... for him, mostly learning how to trust someone - because he came to let me know that he never trusted me - not even from day 1... and as for me, I'm trying to learn how I can forgive him for the rape, how I can forgive myself for the affairs but I find myself questioning whether or not I actually love my husband...

I can't lie - Roger and I are still in contact from time to time... not like we were at first - but he still calls and checks in on me and has made it very clear that he would like a chance to be with me if I decide to divorce my husband.

My husband doesn't know that I'm still in contact with Roger... he knows that I am interested in him, but not that I still talk to him.

I have since moved out of our home and have just been trying to take the time to get myself right and figure out what I want. My husband keeps begging me to come home and has been (what I feel is) bribing me - by telling me that he wants to have a baby (he knows that I would like to have another baby - but in the past he had always told me no - that he was too old to have anymore kids) and that we would move (I don't like the town that we live in - there is a lot of violence and I've been begging him to move for 2 years).

I feel guilty that I want a divorce and I feel guilty that I'm not able to forgive him for the rape. I don't even know if I really WANT to forgive him. I don't even know if I still LOVE my husband... and that's not just a surface I don't know - from deep down - I really don't know.

He has told me that if I want a divorce that he understands and he will give me a divorce. But I don't want to do something while I'm still unsure and regret it. I'm going to counciling and I'm hoping that they can help me figure out whether or not I can forgive him and whether or not I really want to be with him or love him.

We still talk everyday - and in fact, he's coming down here tonight so that he can spend Halloween with my daughter and I. I don't really want him to, but I didn't want to hurt him by telling him that.

I just feel so LOST. I don't know what to do.

Part of me feels like I'm CERTAIN that I want a divorce.... part of me isn't so sure. I don't want to jump before I'm actually ready. I rushed into this marriage - I don't want to rush out and regret it. I just don't know.

I hope that you all can make sense of this..... I'm not exactly stable right now - I know.... so I don't know how clear everything came out.... so if I gave you a headache trying to decipher any of this - I apologize. Any and all advice is appriciated.


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## American Arrogance (Sep 5, 2008)

Wow, Im speechless.....

Stick with counseling. Dont make any decisions on your marraige for at least 6 months of counseling. I personally couldnt live with a man like that and would be on the first plane lifting off, but you are not me.


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## Sad (Oct 30, 2009)

Wow! Oh lady, lady, lady... why are you staying? A man who can be violent under the influence of alcohol can also be violent without it. There is a fine line between sober and unsober actions. 

It sounds like neither of you is happy. Life is about living, it's about taking joy from the simple things and experiencing all the wonders around us while we have the time. 

Society may dictate that marriage is forever and humans should be monogomous... but that's a fallacy. We're animals just like the next kingdom in the heirarchy of nature. You do not have to settle for abuse, inattention or even being ignored. 

Your husband doesn't appreciate you. He doesn't consider you his equal or his partner. You are his object to toy with as he sees fit. He pushes you aside when he doesn't feel like dealing with you, abuses you when he wants too... and then tries to manipulate you when you stray. 

This doesn't sound healthy to me. I think you need to take a step back and say, if I could have any type of man, what would his most important characteristics be? List them and write them down. Then compare that to your husband... does he match?

Imagine Roger on an island and your husband on an island. You are floating in the ocean equal distance from both. You can make it to one island. You have no debts, your children are safe... all that is before you is which island you want to spend a vacation on. 

Which island do you swim toward?

If your husband is the man that you want to spend your time with on a deserted island in "paradise" then work it out. If you'd rather swim to anyone but him, you have your answer. Take a deep breath and take the first step. 

Regarding his rape of you. That is never, ever forgettable and unforgiveable. You do not have to forgive him and if he isn't taking proper care of you, he doesn't deserve it. 

At least, this is my opinion. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## Lovetwo (Nov 27, 2009)

Don't Stay. Get your life in order first, then if the time is right you can pursue things with Roger. Your husband does not sound very stable and adding another child into this mix is not the right thing to do.

I was once with a very abusive man, had a daughter with him, was seperated from him and found out I was pregnant. I thought about an abortion but decided to try to make it work so I went back to him and had our son. Worst mistake of my life. Not my son.. but going back. He did not change one bit and neither will your husband.

I should have left mine the first go-around. Do it. Stay strong and you will eventually wind-up in a better place.


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## confusedwantingmore (Apr 28, 2011)

3 things to think about.

1. Would you stay with him if you found out he raped someone he didn't know?
2.Do you think that cops let people go if they say "I was drunk when I raped and killed that women". 
3.What if he thinks he would like to have some wine or beer and rape his daughter?

LEAVE HIM!

BTW, My dad was very sorry "after" and told me that "he just didn't understand what he was doing".
Well, damage done, sorry or not.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Did anybody notice that she's burning through her second marriage at 24? That she's cheated twice on her husband and that she's always the victim? Mentally unstable, much?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Or that this thread is from 2009??


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