# Don't want it. Ever.



## Jacquaenos (Mar 6, 2017)

32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jacquaenos said:


> 32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. *What on earth can I do?*


Find a way to want it, preferably with him.

Just as importantly, if you feel that it's something that he's doing (or not doing, whichever the case may be) that has you in this rut, find a way to tell him that.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Don't you think it's odd that you have no sex drive?

It would be like me waking up one day and realizing my left arm is missing and saying "Oh well I'll just use my right arm for everything" and go about my day as if everything was perfectly normal.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sighhhhhhhhh.....


Okay here it goes again. I don't understand why they don't teach you women these things in chick-academy. I mean they teach you how to apply makeup and get credit cards, but they don't teach about the basics of men. 

A man knows his wife loves him when she makes passionate love to him. Period. That's it. We guys are incredibly simple creatures. If you want us to know you love us, have enthusiastic sex with us. 

Women are different. They need talking and sharing and talking and flowers and talking and financial stability and talking and for their guy to have a steady job and talking and for their man to listen to her and let her know he understands what she is feeling....and talking...

And the guy has to do this for a long time before she will accept that he loves her. 

By you telling your husband that you do not desire sex with him you have told him you do not love him. That may not be what you mean, but that is what he hears. Sorry.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Were you this way before the wedding also, or did you have a lot of sex previously with real (or at least convincing) displays of passion?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jacquaenos said:


> 32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?


Get yourself into some kind of therapy to find out what's the matter with you. This is NOT normal.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Did you like/desire sex during your relationship and it eventually diminished? If so, can you pinpoint when your desire started to dwindle, or possible causes (children, work, various life stresses, etc...)?

Is it you don't like sex, or you don't like sex with your Husband?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

by not wanting to have sex with your husband or even worse having emotionally detached duty sex with your husband there is a very strong message:

I don't want you, I don't desire you, I'm here simply out of obligation and having you crawl on top of me is a punishment that I force myself to endure out of obligation.

Hhmmmm, that sounds like my dream marriage.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Just out of curiosity, would you be open to your husband having his physical needs met elsewhere?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'd start with talking to a Doctor. But if you are positive that you do not want sex as a part of your life you need to rethink the idea of being married. Certainly rethink your choice of partner. You have the right to choose whether or not you want sex in your life. You have no right to force another person to be your partner either in sex or in Chastity. Only when they freely make that choice for themselves.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What is it excatly that you dislike about sex?

Is your husband a good lover?

Do you orgasm?

I wholeheartedly agree with the other posters. You have to get help for this and change, Your husband wanted a wife, not a friend. Being a wife means you have sex with your mate, if you don't want to have it or enjoy it, please set him free. You are putting him in a TERRIBLE position. I pity him so much.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Read "What do women want?"

by Daniel Bergner.

Might help.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You can talk to your doctor about it because it is not a normal way to feel about sex at your age. Quite frankly if my wife did not want sex or enjoyed it, I would find someone who did. That is what many men do. When you have sex your bodies release the hormone Oxytocin. Its sole purpose is to emotionally bond the couple together. Without sex you have no emotional bonding and you fight and stop feeling close to each other. You live like you are good friends.

You probably have some hormonal imbalance because wanting sex is a genetic drive we have. It is the strongest drive we humans have since it is why we are all here today. Some people have lower libidos than others, but you are extreme and should talk to a professional because your husband will cheat on you. Almost guaranteed, if he does not divorce you first. Love without sex is what we have for our parents and siblings. It is not the kind of love a married couple has. No one should live in a sexless marriage so seek help or open your marriage so your husband can have sex with others without feeling guilty. Of course you will probably lose him to another woman but the poor guy needs sex with someone who enjoys it.


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## Jacquaenos (Mar 6, 2017)

I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Jacquaenos said:


> I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.


Then you did your husband a disservice by not letting him know this before you got married (assuming that you didn't inform him - if you did, then disregard). Like the others have said, your husband is your lover, not a pal. I'm in the same boat with my wife (who views sex as work) and I'm resentful. Don't be shocked when you find him pleasuring himself (although if you're like my wife, that means that he's leaving you alone, which you prefer).

You really need to get this checked out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Jacquaenos said:


> I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.



Do you have difficulty reaching orgasm?
Do you masturbate, ever? Have you ever regularly masturbated? How do you feel about masturbation?
When you try to get yourself in the mood, what goes through your mind? 
You say it just goes away...what do you think is happening? Do you feel negatively at that moment, toward sex or toward your H?
Do you feel like he pressures you? 
Do you think your husband knows his way around your body? Is he paying attention to your feedback? Are you giving him feedback?

I don't think there is something wrong with you, necessarily. It could be a LOT of things none of which are indicative of something "wrong" with either one of you.

What do you know about responsive desire in women?

How well you orgasm also plays a key role in your enjoyment of and desire for sex. If you're not getting there, the journey seems like a waste of time.... so getting there is kind of important. Have you heard of this web site? 

Www.omgyes.com

You should check it out, alone first. Once you've determined if the information is useful, share it with your husband. 

The trouble is not that women don't understand men...men are fairly simple. The trouble is that women don't understand themselves!!! 

Learn thyself woman.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Have you ever had an orgasm? 
Do you ever masterbate?
Do you have any kids?
Do you work?
How is your health? Are you over weight? Thyroid problems? Regular periods? Any medication?

What have you tried to fix the problem so far?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jacquaenos said:


> What on earth can I do?


Explain to your husband that sexual pleasure often comes from "validation" and not necessarily an orgasm. Here is a list of common ones:



Wanting to please others
Wanting to be pleased by others
Enjoying one's desire for a partner
Knowing your partner desires you
Wanting to be in control
Wanting to let go of one's control
Wanting to be controlled

Odds are you simply want to make your husband happy, and you probably have a very strong desire to do just that for him. He just needs to see that your desire and satisfaction works differently than his. You should ask him to help you with that so that "you can feel sexually satisfied" knowing that you make him happy. Odds are your body may even respond very well to that if you two work on it in just that manner. 

Badsanta


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

My suggestion is to try to fix this. If you do not, you will not be married very long. 

I have to say that your attitude sounds problematic as well. My dog likes fetch. I hate the game. It makes my arm hurt and my hand gets covered with dog slobber. But you know what? I play fetch with the dog a lot. Why? Because I love him.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> My suggestion is to try to fix this. If you do not, you will not be married very long.
> 
> I have to say that your attitude sounds problematic as well. My dog likes fetch. I hate the game. It makes my arm hurt and my hand gets covered with dog slobber. But you know what? I play fetch with the dog a lot. Why? Because I love him.


Here- easier on the arm & you can push the holder over ball so ya don't get slobbered!

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Canine-Hardware-245201-Chuckit-Pro-Launcher/25176069

Good analogy for the OM!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Definitely try to fix it. Go see a doctor to make sure it is not a physical issue. Then maybe go see a sex therapist by yourself and then maybe later with your husband. 

Can I ask you OP...were you ever sexually abused growing up?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Do you orgasm?





Anon Pink said:


> Do you have difficulty reaching orgasm?





katiecrna said:


> Have you ever had an orgasm?


Seriously? Do you women understand how to listen to another woman like a man?



Jacquaenos said:


> I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.


Apparently she is capable of enjoying sex, but just does not find it that enjoyable compared to her partner's level of enjoyment. 

OK, wait a minute here... perhaps you ladies actually are onto something...
@Jacquaenos do you think you have ever had an orgasm with a partner? Are you comfortable masturbating for you partner so that he can experience your sexual response while he is inside you?

Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Seriously? Do you women understand how to listen to another woman like a man?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Maybe her level of enjoyment isn't reaching her partners because she doesn't orgasm. If I didn't, I wouldn't desire sex either... not worth it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

the most important question is... what have you done so far to try to fix the problem.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Jacquaenos said:


> What on earth can I do?



Let him go. Find someone you actually love and free him to do the same.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Seriously? Do you women understand how to listen to another woman like a man?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Did you just mansplain to disagree and then back track essentially agree?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Maybe her level of enjoyment isn't reaching her partners because she doesn't orgasm. If I didn't, I wouldn't desire sex either... not worth it.


Agreed! But she first has to enjoy herself!

Some partners may compel an orgasm which makes orgasms undesirable. She needs to enjoy herself and orgasm because it just happens, and not the other way around. You are likely saying that, but to the OP it may not be obvious.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Did you just mansplain to disagree and then back track essentially agree?


Absolutely not!

I wanted to take sides with the OP to make her feel as though I was empathizing and hearing her frustration, as she has likely been asked 1000 times or more about her orgasm abilities or lack thereof. You ladies just do NOT know how to listen. You all get fairly vicious towards trying to "fix" the problem, and the OP is a woman than simply needs to be understood. 

I mean @katiecrna did a thread on that exact topic!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/367930-men-watch-learn.html

Seriously @Jacquaenos explain to these ladies that if you found a man that learned how to love and except you for the fact that you simply don't enjoy sex, that you might finally enjoy just pleasing your partner without him putting so much pressure on you to insist that you try to enjoy yourself. But in that same context I'm also asking if that type of enjoyment is what gets you aroused? 

Obviously if your partner is insisting you orgasm and if everyone is asking you if you orgasm, it will probably annoy you to no end, thus the reason you may not be able to enjoy sex.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Absolutely not!
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Typical man thinks he knows it all but is clueless. (How do you like it)

First of all... she never indicated that he pressures her. In fact, he doesn't. He simple says he wants her to want to. He isn't forcing her, he doesn't think she should have duty sex. He actually seems like he genuinely cares about her.

Us ladies do know how to listen. We just need to get the facts straight so we can jump in. She wasn't looking for sympathy, she was asking what can she do. Therefore we need to find more information to help her out. 

I think this is an issue with her, not with her husband and their relationship, which she clearly stated that she has always been like this. So it boils down to... health issues or pleasure issues.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jacquaenos said:


> 32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere.* It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it.* I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?





katiecrna said:


> Typical man thinks he knows it all but is clueless. (How do you like it)


This typical man you are talking to used to make extremely snide and bitter remarks to his own wife because she would try to get in the mood, but it would just go away! I wanted her to want it and absolutely nothing else. It got really ugly, and to the point where my wife told me she did not really want it anymore. 

Can I empathize with the OP?


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## Maylissa (Mar 7, 2017)

Im not sure if this will help u out or not but I've been thru the exact same thing-a few different times. I have been w/my husband for a little over 8yrs. Married for 4of those yrs. I've been in several long term rships prior as well & I will be the first to admit that my sexual desire comes & goes pretty often. I would make myself crazy. The #1 thing I feared most is my husband cheating on me bcs I wasn't satisfying him at home. Which started to make me insecure then..., depressed & then an emotional wreck. I remember dreading nighttime bcs I didn't want to get in bed w/my husband touching me & trying to initiate sex. I alwats knew the outcome if ge wouod try (again) we would argue about me not wanting to hav sex or we would hav the same difficult & embarassing discussion.
I can tell u wat worked for me...taking a little time apart. Allow the two of u to miss each other. Just a couple dayst. I stayed at my parents for a couple nites and that helped. Counseling also helped me to become more confident & secure about myself & one thing that helped out a lot was my husband stepping back a little and allowing me to focus more on myself 1st . After all how can I please sum1 else if I'm unhappy with myself.


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

It would seem that there are no kids involved so I would say time to move on. Such a complete lack of desire is not something likely to ever change on a regular longterm basis. Can put on a charade and pretend to be interested but in the end, true colors come shining through


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> enjoy just pleasing your partner without him putting so much pressure on you to insist that you try to enjoy yourself. But in that same context I'm also asking if that type of enjoyment is what gets you aroused?


I think you're on to something here. There is nothing worse than having to manufacture a response because you know your response means so awfully much to your partner! That is a lady boner killer if ever there was one. I mean sometimes you know your man wants something and even though you don't want it, you want him to have it...but nooooo, you have to act all hot and botheredso that he thinks you want it every bit as much as he does when all you really want is to give him what he wants!





> Obviously if your partner is insisting you orgasm and if everyone is asking you if you orgasm, it will probably annoy you to no end, thus the reason you may not be able to enjoy sex.


True, but she needs to be more specific about what it means, exactly, when she says she "is capable of enjoying it."


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Jacquaenos said:


> 32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?



Go to the doctor, have a physical and find out if you have any issues, hormonal, etc.

Tell the doctor you don't have a sex drive.

Scary thing is, you're only 32 and in your prime. You should be wanting sex all the time, instead of nothing.

Most men are physical, visual and sexual.That means we need that physical and sexual connection with our ladies and the more the better.

By your hubby noticing you aren't into sex at all, is going to have real consequences for your marriage, with possible divorce in the end.

You need to see a doctor, find out if anything is wrong, perhaps get some meds and get your sex drive back.

The worse thing you can do, is allowing your hubby to notice you couldn't care less for sex and its only to please him.

Have you considered buying sex toys for yourself, to give you great orgasms and go from there, to get your sex drive going?

If you decide to do nothing about this, it could very well lead to being single.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jacquaenos said:


> 32 year old female, married 4 years. I just don't like sex much. I don't want it, and my husband thinks it's a sign I don't love him. I've explained that I don't want to, when I try to fake interest he can tell. I think he just wants me to want it, and I can't. I try to get in the mood, but it goes away before we get anywhere. It's making him very bitter and he makes snide comments about how he shouldn't even try because I never want it. I'm not doing this on purpose, I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it, but he doesn't want that. What on earth can I do?


He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.

Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.

I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Does he try to get you in the mood? Or does he just expect you to be in the mood?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jld said:


> He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree. You're not inspired by him. So just let him go. Find someone who inspires you and free him to find the same.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Does he try to get you in the mood? Or does he just expect you to be in the mood?




Why on earth would he try anymore? Banging your head against the wall is fun at first, but the novelty wears off quickly.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

jld said:


> He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.
> 
> Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.
> 
> I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.


Face plant
Lol
Headshake.....
Lol

His job to inspire her passion.

I've got to remember that one.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Don't want it. Ever...

Has he not inspired you?
Does he not try to get you in the mood?
Does he expect you to be in the mood?

OP, is this really what women say to one another about these types of things?

A woman at 32 with a normal sex drive will be "inspiring" their man if he doesn't invite sex with her at least a couple of times a week.
You have a messed up engine. Not your fault, but your husband is obviously building resentment.
Your husband has normal needs for intimacy. For sex. You are willing to try to meet those needs. You can't help it if you're not passionate about it since you don't want it in the first place.
No blame from me on you.

Just know this---- you're not going to have a good relationship with a man that has a typical sex drive if you never have sex with him and make him feel loved.
Resentment will continue to build, until divorce occurs when he gives up hope.

My suggestion:
Doctor to see if your drive can be fixed, a sex therapist if something else can be fixed.
I've been harassed for sex before and it's no freaking fun. Messes one's head up. 
So I do sympathize with you. It sounds like you go wish you wanted it more.

I think if this can't be fixed, you should discuss divorce before it happens due to more hurtful things.

JMO


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
Many people cannot have a happy romantic relationship without an active happy sex life. If your husband is one of these, then the relationship will never be good unless there is a way to fix this. Its not "intentional", just how some people are wired.

There are also some people who seem to naturally have a very low interest in sex. If you have never had any particular interest in sex, you might be one of those. If so, I would suggest that you either decide that while you don't personally enjoy sex, pleasing him is important enough to you that you are happy to do so for the rest of your life. OR decide that marrying him was a bad idea because of your mismatched sex drives and divorce.

Its also possible that you not naturally low drive, but just happen to be at the moment under these conditions. In that case:

Are you are any medication, especially birth control pills or anti depressants / anti-anxiety medication? These can really mess with your sex drive.

If not, does your husband try to please you in bed and is he willing to do the things that you ask?

Do you sometimes greatly enjoy sex, just not often, or is it at best sort of meh?


The one thing you should not do is hope that he will lose interest in sex, but still love you. For many people that is impossible.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

If you don't like sex with him, then you are sending him the wrong message, that will destroy his soul. Sex is an important emotional bonding process esp for the male of the species.
Is it sex in general or just sex with him?

I would suggest you go see the doctor, it could be hormonal issues or it could just be your H and your relationship
Either way sort it out otherwise it is the death knell for your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jacquaenos said:


> I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems *too much work for a small chance of enjoyment.* It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.


Could you please expand on the underlined part?

Why is there only a small chance of enjoyment?

Have you ever had an orgasm?

When you do have sex with your husband, do the two of you engage in foreplay? What about oral sex--both of you? 

Is there an expectation that you get all your sexual enjoyment from intercourse only? 

Before anyone can help you with this, we really need to know why you don't get much enjoyment out of sex.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This isn't an issue of enjoyment or O or anything of the sort.

It's more a "what have you done for me lately" and/or "what's in it for me" kind of thing. I'm sure she prefers Netflix to intimacy. Nothing wrong there, a different mindset. 

Unless she's being intimate with a cactus plant type of partner of course.

Any possible impact from family of origin, culture, religion, etc?


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

If you love your husband, go see doctors and try to locate the issues with your sex drive. Not wanting sex with him is also pushing him away and making things unfun for the both of you.

If you don't desire to resolve this issue, set both of you free. I doubt you want an open your marriage to allow him to have sex with other women - because that isn't fair to anyone... eventually, he would leave you.

Some people are simply LD and even no-sex drive at all. If you go your separate ways - but still want to be in a relationship with someone - try to find someone else who has little to no sexual desire.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I know this is probably not what some guys want to hear but there's always the possibility that her husband just isn't that good in bed and thus gives her little to look forward to.

I know that my sex drive is radically different with my current husband then it was with my first husband.....in fact my first husband could've written a lot of the same things about me.

But the fact was he stunk in bed and was extremely selfish.....and a guy who throws a tantrum and demands she want it is the kind of guy who might be very selfish and immature. 

As Anon Pink said, it really is a lady boner killer (good one AP!).

Maybe he's watching a lot of porn where women appear to go crazy over almost no effort from the guy, or maybe he's just selfish. 

I'm not hugely HD now but I like a couple of times a week and finish almost all of the time because my husband is not only a really good lover but he treats me well outside the bedroom.

These are possibilities that should be explored and ruled out, because if that's not it then they're just incompatible and should probably both look for more compatible partners.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

@lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hate that our lives and happiness are so dependent on chemicals floating around our heads. Too much of this and we want this, too little of this and we don't want this..

Wish there were a magic love potion to correct all these screwed up sex drives and feelings that people have plaguing their happiness.

I hope OP gets some help and works out her sexual relationship.
Get the right mix of chemicals in your brain, and get a darn vibrator to figure out what makes you o in bed so you can tell your husband what you need. I really think it's about that simple.

I've noticed that women premenopausal are freaking starving for sex. Can't get enoug.
Just think if you had a few of those chemicals and a fresh set of skills at lovemaking. You might turn into a sex lover rather than a sex hater.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Face plant
> Lol
> Headshake.....
> Lol
> ...





jld said:


> He sounds very immature, insecure, and self-centered, OP. It is his job to inspire your passion. He is certainly not entitled to it. It is already generous on your part to offer yourself to him despite his inability to inspire you.
> 
> Are you prepared for the marriage to end? Because it seems he needs your validation of him just for him to treat you decently. As you are not genuinely inspired by him to give it, the marriage is likely to end.
> 
> I do not see that as a bad outcome for you at all, btw. Quite the opposite.


Honestly, I had to read jld's post twice to see if I had read it right. Heaven forbid that we admit the fault might be with the woman in this situation, or any!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Jacquaenos said:


> I had a low sex drive before getting married, but not nonexistent. It's not him, just sex in general seems too much work for a small chance of enjoyment. It doesn't hurt, but so rarely feels good enough to keep trying. Same issue with previous relationships, but they never turned into marriage.


First and foremost, you are most likely extremely LD (low desire), or ND (no desire) - and that is okay. It really is. You're not broken or abnormal, nor do you require fixing.

However, as is the problem in these situations, your partner is not LD. What almost always happens in these types of mismatches is that the LD/ND person does not meet their partner halfway, so to speak. Worse, they tend to expect their partner adapt to them.

Furthermore, and this isn't meant to make you feel bad, but it likely will - an LD/ND person who knows full well that they are low/no desire, discounts this almost entirely when choosing a mate, which is obviously not fair to the other person. It should factor in immensely in the early days.

Although there is technically nothing 'wrong' with you, you are more or less in the minority. The reality is that the majority of people out there have normal, healthy desires (or quite often, higher). And for those who do, sex is very important in a healthy relationship.

My wife is extremely LD/responsive desire, and while she does enjoy sex, it's not a priority in the slightest. If she never had sex again, she'd survive. She's not like you, however, and doesn't avoid sex or dislike it. She simply doesn't place it anywhere on her hierarchical relationship needs. If I happened to feel the same way about sex, we'd likely never have it, and she would be just as happy.

If we were ever to split up, I would give her this piece of advice: find a guy with a similar sex drive to you, or who at least does not put as much importance into sex as I do in a relationship.

The reality is that mismatched sex drives are no good for either party. Your husband is frustrated and angry and feeling unloved and unwanted. You're frustrated and angry, and likely feel that he only wants you for one thing.

At the end of the day, the only way this can be overcome is for you to recognize that sex is important to this relationship, and do your best to engage your husband to the best of your abilities. You, much like my wife, I think, have your own pre-determined ideas of what sex is for you, and like most LD/ND people, are unwilling to budge on the matter. Not un-_able_ - unwilling. You don't seem to have an outright aversion to sex, but rather a fairly simple disinterest in it all. My wife could very easily have sex with me every single day, orgasm each and every time and generally enjoy it, and there'd be zero negative consequences to her life. It's rarely a question of 'can't', but instead it's a question of 'won't' - like so many other things in life.

I've always said that sex is so needlessly complicated, especially in marriage. It's two people who love each other engaging in the most intimate act one can engage in. It can also be hot and dirty if you want it to be. Or soft, caring and loving. Or both. Why two people who love each other enough to want to spend the rest of their lives together wouldn't want to be so intimate on a regular basis is beyond me.

I used this analogy quite some time ago - I have little to no interest in bowling. However, if I do go bowling, I generally have a good time. I don't think I've ever suggested to anyone that we go bowling, nor do I ever want to go back, despite me enjoying it when I do. Therefore, I clearly have no aversion to it, yet I generally have no interest in it. I'd survive just fine if I never went bowling again.

So say my wife loves to bowl. She wants me to go at least once a week, preferably more. I knew full well when I met her that this is one of her interests, and whether I understand it or not, it's important to her.

I wouldn't expect her to come down to my level, nor should she expect me to come up to hers. What should happen, obviously, is that we meet in the middle somewhere. She shouldn't berate me for not seeing the inherent awesomeness in bowling, nor should I berate her for putting such importance into something that I place little value in. We love each other. Therefore, I _happily_ go bowling with her once, maybe twice a week. And I have a good time, and make sure SHE has a good time, too (basically by not being a sourpuss, and maybe putting in some actual effort). She doesn't insist I go 4 times a week, because she knows I don't place the same value on it as she does. Everybody wins, everybody's happy. Yay.

Unfortunately, in this admittedly lame analogy, the LD/ND person does not/will not/can not go bowling even once a week. Maybe a couple of times a month. When they do, they clearly do not want to be there.

So how does each scenario impact the person who loves to bowl? In both cases, they KNOW their partner is not as into it as they are, that's pretty much unavoidable. But in one, they have a partner who is willing to engage, and in the other, one who is resistant.

One builds the relationship, one builds resentment.


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## itsnothappening (Feb 6, 2017)

First rule out all medical possibilities. If its a hormonal/medical issue then no other steps will fix it. This must come first.

After that I'd say that (a) your hubby doesn't know how to push the right buttons in AND out of the bedroom to turn you on and (b) you don't seem to care enough to explore ways of finding what DOES works so that it is not only enjoyable but 'rock your world' awesome. Read/study, experiment with yourself, openly communicate and encourage hubby to 'up' his game. 

You both need to own this. If not, the chance at a lifelong monogamous marriage is slim. It took almost 20 years to REALLY figure out what gives my wife multiple, gushing, toe-curling orgasms. And 90% of it was ME investing the time and effort, mostly OUTSIDE the bedroom. Making myself a better, fully functional adult, with confidence and high value, learning how to read her cues and body language, etc. The last 10% (the fun part!) in the bedroom just took communication, again paying attention to her non-verbal cues, always mixing things up, and most importantly keeping it fun/playful.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> @lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I agree, the OP has had this problem in all her relationships, so I don't think pointing the finger solely at her H (with the ole he isn't inspiring her BS) is in any way productive in getting to the bottom of what is going on. At the end of the day the OP may just find that this is the way she is, nothing wrong with that. 

As well, I agree that the OP shouldn't just fake enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I think what happens is that there is this perception that dudes should just be happy if there SO is willing to put out just for their sake (just look at another silly response here about how he should just be happy with her generosity...) . Honestly, if my W told me that, as the OP put it, " I'm willing to have sex just to let him enjoy it", that is a complete turnoff. 

OP, go see a doctor to see if there is something medically wrong. See a sex therapist to determine if maybe there is something blocking you mentally. Communicate with your H to see if this is something you can work on together. If at the end of the day you just determine that this is who you are, no fault in that, but maybe that means it would be time to end the marriage and move on. He is already bitter/resentful, and it is only going to get worse.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> @lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk



That's a fair point, and it does beg the question as to whether she's honest about it.

Because if she is and he married her anyway that's on him. 

Based on her posts and the fact that she says her hb can tell she's faking enjoyment it suggests he knew she was like this. Maybe he thought he could live with it and now realizes he can't.

However, tantrum throwing isn't going to help. Especially when she's willing to have sex. 

It's a no win for many low and no drives because if they provide a loving sexual act it's not enough because they must want it. They're expected to change to want it but the spouse is never expected to change but to not want it.

These two just aren't compatible and would be best off going their separate ways.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have any history of childhood traumas? Sex abuse, rape, abusive parents, alcoholic or other substance abuse in the family, etc?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I have a sneaking suspicion we're getting played here.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think we need more input from the OP to continue. She may well have a real life and not spend every waking moment on TAM so we need to be patient.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Could you please expand on the underlined part?
> 
> Why is there only a small chance of enjoyment?
> 
> ...


i would add the following questions:

do you take medicines or over the counter drugs routinely, and have you researched any possible sexual side effects?

do you have any hormonal issues, such as thyroid issues, etc? Your low libido MIGHT be purely chemically based, and could maybe be 100% fixed with some bio-identical seed hormone replacement therapy.

You have seen the side effects of your not wanting sex....your husband assumes you no longer love him, and is wondering who you ARE having sex with if not him. this is serious. If you enjoy your marriage, and want it to continue, you have to fix your libido. Yes, it may involve your husband also changing his ways, so some professional counseling should be considered to figure out the real reason this is happening. 

How about sitting down with hubby and saying "I want to support your sexual needs more, and know i am not succeeding well so far. Can we try to work together on this, because i so much love you and want our marriage to succeed?" See what he has to recommend.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I think you're on to something here. There is nothing worse than having to manufacture a response because you know your response means so awfully much to your partner! That is a lady boner killer if ever there was one. I mean sometimes you know your man wants something and even though you don't want it, you want him to have it...but nooooo, you have to act all hot and botheredso that he thinks you want it every bit as much as he does when all you really want is to give him what he wants!


Husbands who require their wife to desire sex as much as they do are setting themselves up for failure.

People have control over what they DO but much less over what they WANT.

I give people less credit for doing something they would want to do anyway than for doing something for you because they love you. 

Of course, it would have to be done willingly and with love. If your wife wants you to clean the kitchen (but you're not excited about the prospect), you don't get credit for doing a bad job of it while complaining all the time.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I have a sneaking suspicion we're getting played here.


You're not supposed to say that. Regardless of how obvious it is.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

browser said:


> You're not supposed to say that. Regardless of how obvious it is.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> I hate that our lives and happiness are so dependent on chemicals floating around our heads. Too much of this and we want this, too little of this and we don't want this..


If you make your life about doing whatever the chemicals floating around in your head tell you to do (i.e. emotions), the end result is likely that you will not be happy.

Then there's the possibility of not letting the chemicals rule your life (but that's crazy talk).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

alexm said:


> First and foremost, you are most likely extremely LD (low desire), or ND (no desire) - and that is okay. It really is. *You're not broken or abnormal, nor do you require fixing*.
> 
> However, as is the problem in these situations, your partner is not LD. What almost always happens in these types of mismatches is that the LD/ND person does not meet their partner halfway, so to speak. Worse, they tend to expect their partner adapt to them.
> 
> ...



Very well said! As a fan of David Schnarch, I couldn't agree more. 

I would like to offer a little Schnarch-observation to round this topic out, even though it is for the OP and not you.

Schnarch (Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, etc.) says in his books that marriage, if done right, is very difficult. The reason it is difficult is that in just about every aspect of marriage one partner is HD and the other id LD. As you say in Bowling, in sex, in TV watching, in getting up early in the morning, in EVERYTHING. 

What Schnarch says is critical to development within a marriage is (1) self-differentiation and growth, (2) self-soothing, (3) constant renegotiation of compromise as each partner grows and develops at their own pace. Yes, the compromise is over the HD/LD aspects of the marriage that are constantly changing over the course of the marriage.

Schnarch likes to imply that two people are growing at their own independent rate and yet by doing so are finding that they are constantly either pulling or pushing their partner to grow with them. That creates HD/LD problems in how much to eat (I want to diet this month and you don't), how much or what kind of sex to have (I am sick this month and a runny nose and coughing really don't put me in the mood for sex, versus you are under stress and would like the stress release from a good orgasm).

Self-soothing is all about taking something that scares you, you feel uncomfortable with, or that you don't want to do and figuring out a way that you can accomplish it. One of his examples is French kissing. At first when you were a very young child the thought of sharing germs and saliva with someone else is probably pretty repugnant. However, kissing between a boyfriend and girlfriend is suppose to be different than kissing a sibling or parent. Probably the first time you tried passionate kissing you just touched lips. Then the next time maybe one of you pressed their tongue on and explored the lips of the other. At that moment the one being tongue-probed, had to self-sooth and open their lips/mouth a little and allow things to happen. Then it probably didn't seem so bad. The next few times both became a little more enthusiastic, until finally both of them owned the sensation, liked it and it was now part of who their were (or had become through self-differentiation) and they owned this.

Part of the self-soothing could be reading up on something (bowling, giving BJ's, etc.) to understand it better. Then the next part could be breaking it down into components and mastering each component separately. If for your wife it is performing a BJ, it could be figuring out how to make the penis "clean" or covered with a flavored condom so that mental block is gone, It could be mastering one's gag reflex. It could be mentally visualizing performing the act with a smile on her face, it could be mentally congratulating herself on the act being well performed. To bring it back to your bowling analogy, it could be practicing the swing and approach. It could be practicing the follow-through. It could be looking a books that show the correct place to aim the ball for various split pin combinations and visualizing your doing it. The point is that if it is going bowling, you are actively participating and wanting to do it to the best of your ability, not just going through the motions and clocking in as "present." 

All married partners grow at different rates. But growing and self-differentiating or figuring out your true self and making sure you are taking the time to do introspection and make you, "the best you, you can be" takes work.

Negotiating compromise also takes a lot of effort, especially if you respect your partner and their boundaries. A marriage retreat weekend with the Gottmans provided training in "negotiating grid-lock issues." One of the things that the Gottmans said was that you should not try to negotiate trying to change your partners mind on something until you can explain their position and why they hold that position as well or better than they can. What they were trying to say is that before you can negotiate you really have to spend a lot of time asking questions and really listening to what your partner says. 

Once you understand why they object to something, then you might be able to figure out something on the edge that they might we willing to do that doesn't cross their boundary, especially if they are actively self soothing or you can help them with their self soothing.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Why on earth would he try anymore? Banging your head against the wall is fun at first, but the novelty wears off quickly.




What if he never tried


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Honestly, I had to read jld's post twice to see if I had read it right. Heaven forbid that we admit the fault might be with the woman in this situation, or any!


JLD is not entirely wrong. Snide comments and pouting are going to get him exactly nowhere. They both need to put in effort, and it needs to be the right kind of effort. 

If either one of them gives a Herculean effort but it's doing the wrong thing, they're still bound to fail.


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## mhalbert14 (Mar 7, 2017)

Get your thyroid checked. That was my issue for years. I don't think it really has anything to do mentally or emotionally. It sounds physiological. Get a hormone panel done. Check testosterone,t3,t4 and TSH. Just because we are females does not mean we don't need test. Just a very small amount. 

Learn to read your own labs. I went back to a dr who checked mine and I didn't read them. For example a TSH lab is given to you on a scale. On a 1-5 scale I was a 1. The dr. Dismissing it told me I was "in range" No issues there and sent me On my way. Over the next couple of years that number eventually plummeted. I had didn't know why I felt the way I felt. Not to mention I had 0 testosterone. 

I had 3 years of the 0 sex drive. I get it totally. I love my husband I just didn't want him to touch me . My attitude was " don't touch it look at it just leave my parts alone! " lol I had a thyroid problem issue that was going on and had no clue. It wasn't the greatest time. It made me not care about sex AT ALL. 

Get your hormones checked. Find what optimum is for you. Ya never know

Just my experience I hope it helps some. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> JLD is not entirely wrong. Snide comments and pouting are going to get him exactly nowhere. They both need to put in effort, and it needs to be the right kind of effort.
> 
> If either one of them gives a Herculean effort but it's doing the wrong thing, they're still bound to fail.


In fact, often less is more in these situations.


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## wopette (Mar 8, 2017)

To be honest, this sounds like you may need to get your hormone levels checked. If they're off you might just need a boost to pick up your sex drive. Sex is fun...Well it is for me, and I'm crashing through menopause at the moment...LOL...


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## Maylissa (Mar 7, 2017)

I agree 100% with having yourself checked out by a doctor ( mentally & physically).
But lemme ask u this...,"Are u still in love with him?" R u still attracted to him? Those were the 2questions my therapist (I went to see when I had similar concerns in a previous relationship) asked me. She told me to really think about my answers.
If u r still in love with him & ur still attracted to him then I would call my doctor as suggested & take it from there. 
As for my past problem? I was not in love with or attracted to my fiance & that's what I told my therapist. She told me that sum things just cannot be fixed...and that's one of them. I didn't leave him rite away as suggested bcs the thought of him being with another woman made me crazy. So I selfishly stayed in the rship for another 6months. And i was not having sex with him nor was i pleasing him ever! So when I caught him cheating on me for a 3rd time. I realized that I pushed him to cheat on me. Therefore, I got what I deserved it. 
Even tho I wasn't in love with him anymore...he was my best friend. I just wasn't his.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

katiecrna said:


> What if he never tried


And there are things where you might not try. You don't have to bang your head against a wall to know it hurts.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> Very well said! As a fan of David Schnarch, I couldn't agree more.
> 
> 
> Self-soothing is all about taking something that scares you, you feel uncomfortable with, or that you don't want to do and figuring out a way that you can accomplish it.


With respect to Schnarch, the problem around self-soothing isn't figuring out how to break the issue down into manageable pieces, it's about driving one's mind to thing about doing it in the first place. The issue isn't how to dissect an "unpleasant task", it's get the mind past the idea of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea?"




> Negotiating compromise also takes a lot of effort, especially if you respect your partner and their boundaries. Once you understand why they object to something, then you might be able to figure out something on the edge that they might we willing to do that doesn't cross their boundary,


This sounds very much like the wry definition of compromise as an agreement where nobody gets what they want.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

tyler1978 said:


> It would seem that there are no kids involved so I would say time to move on. Such a complete lack of desire is not something likely to ever change on a regular longterm basis. Can put on a charade and pretend to be interested but in the end, true colors come shining through


Sad to say, I have lived this experience and spent a great deal of my adulthood chasing the Holy Grail of desire. I never caught it. I did provide sex on demand, but could not manufacture desire, except for a desire to please my partner. In the end, that kind of desire wasn't enough to keep the man I loved.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Go to the doctor, have a physical and find out if you have any issues, hormonal, etc.
> 
> Tell the doctor you don't have a sex drive.
> 
> ...


What if she goes to one doctor, and then another, and another, and spends years trying to find out what is wrong? What if all the tests show her anatomy/bloodwork/hormones are completely normal? What if meds do nothing, and no sex toys work to manufacture desire? Then what.


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## 2020hindsight (Nov 3, 2015)

Maricha75 said:


> @lifeistooshort, I might be inclined to agree with you, were it not for the fact that the OP stayed this has been an issue in ALL of her relationships. She doesn't see the point, to MAYBE get some pleasure. That, to me, doesn't sound like he is *the* problem. I do believe they are mismatched, and have been from the beginning. But I also think she may be borderline asexual. There is nothing wrong with that, of course, except in the context of a marriage where at least one party is expecting a sexual relationship. I don't think she should fake enthusiasm when there is none. But I do think she should get to the bottom of why she feels the way she does about sex.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


If she is asexual, there is no such thing as getting "to the bottom" of why she feels the way she does about sex. Some people (about 1% of the population) were born that way. Trying to explain "why" you don't feel desire, when you were born that way, is like a person who enjoys sex trying to "get to the bottom of why" she is attracted to men or women and enjoys sex. For 99% of the population, sexual desire is natural, and there is no "why." They were born that way. Those are the lucky ones.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> Face plant
> Lol
> Headshake.....
> Lol
> ...


I suggest you do remember to inspire passion because after years of taking care of everyone I'll be damned if my next job is acting like I simply can't wait to get naked after he's pretty much ignored me most of the day and is hogging the TV while simultaneously watching basketball, golf, and Shawshank Redemption for the 345th time. 

Oooh yeah baby that's hot!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I suggest you do remember to inspire passion because after years of taking care of everyone I'll be damned if my next job is acting like I simply can't wait to get naked after he's pretty much ignored me most of the day and is hogging the TV while simultaneously watching basketball, golf, and Shawshank Redemption for the 345th time.
> 
> Oooh yeah baby that's hot!


I know you're not dissin on Shawshank Redemption!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

2020hindsight said:


> What if she goes to one doctor, and then another, and another, and spends years trying to find out what is wrong? What if all the tests show her anatomy/bloodwork/hormones are completely normal? What if meds do nothing, and no sex toys work to manufacture desire? Then what.




She hasn't gone to a doctor and another and another, etc.

She is here, saying her sex drive is close to nothing and she has done "NOTHING" about it.

When married, you are to take care of each other needs as your own. She is not doing this.

It's all his fault somehow, not making enough money, whatever it might be. That's what posters are saying anyway.

Meds will get her sex drive going. Females that go into body building, take testosterone....guess what? They get quite horny and want sex all the time.....its hormonal.


She is LD.
He is HD.

She has no interest in sex.
He does.

She is making no effort to change this.
He notices the sex is only for him and she isn't into sex.


She is asking what can be done?

- doctor, hormonal, meds
- gym, weights, cardio
- take the 5 love languages quiz

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Sighhhhhhhhh.....
> 
> 
> Okay here it goes again. I don't understand why they don't teach you women these things in chick-academy. I mean they teach you how to apply makeup and get credit cards, but they don't teach about the basics of men.
> ...




Sums it all up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2020hindsight said:


> If she is asexual, there is no such thing as getting "to the bottom" of why she feels the way she does about sex. Some people (about 1% of the population) were born that way. Trying to explain "why" you don't feel desire, when you were born that way, is like a person who enjoys sex trying to "get to the bottom of why" she is attracted to men or women and enjoys sex. For 99% of the population, sexual desire is natural, and there is no "why." They were born that way. Those are the lucky ones.


Omg... jump to conclusions much? "Getting to the bottom" of this means get testing done to rule out medical problems, such as hormone imbalances. If no medical reason for the very low drive, then, yes, she likely is asexual. And, no, there is nothing wrong with that. Never said there was. So, yes, I absolutely maintain thst she should "get to the bottom of this" and get checked out, to rule out medical problems, before jumping to the conclusion that she absolutely IS asexual. Hence, my statement that she MAY be, not that she is.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Deleted


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> From everything I have read, asexuality is extremely rare. It is probably the rarest of all the sexual orientations. I recall a poster here years ago who complained about her lack of attraction to her husband and low drive. Well, wouldn't you know it, she came back a year or so later and told us how she had divorced her husband and then started up a lesbian relationship with a coworker. Turns out she was a lesbian and was just living in denial all her life up to that point.
> 
> OP consider the possibility that when she told you she never had high drive or lots of sex with her previous partners...well...she could very well be lying.
> 
> It is quite possible that you just don't float her boat. She likes you as a companion, but not as a lover. Some women will, and do, marry men who they have no sexual attraction to. Happens ALL the time.


Ummm... Bandit... The OP is the woman who may or may not be asexual/doesn't want sex. 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm... Bandit... The OP is the woman who may or may not be asexual/doesn't want sex.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I can't keep up with this crap....


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## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

You are plainly asexual and knew this at an early age, am I correct? If so, why bother getting married if you could not care less about a pretty large part of the relationship?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP hasn't responded in a while with responses to questions. IMHO there is too little information here to allow any sensible discussion of this particular situation. 

Unless the OP responds, I think we can either drop this, or discuss in general. 

Right now we don't know why the OP doesn't want sex - there are a very wide variety of possible reasons and we can't guess.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Does he try to get you in the mood? Or does he just expect you to be in the mood?


I hate questions like these. What difference does it make?

SHE DOESN'T LIKE SEX. NEVER HAS. Stop blaming him.



Jacquaenos said:


> I just don't like sex much. I don't want it





Jacquaenos said:


> Same issue with previous relationships


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Sawney Beane said:


> With respect to Schnarch, the problem around self-soothing isn't figuring out how to break the issue down into manageable pieces, it's about driving one's mind to thing about doing it in the first place. The issue isn't how to dissect an "unpleasant task", it's get the mind past the idea of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea?"
> 
> 
> 
> This sounds very much like the wry definition of compromise as an agreement where nobody gets what they want.


You are absolutely right about getting past the part of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea." That is a huge first hurdle to overcome. All I can say is that if faced with such a hurdle and faced with the prospect that if you don't overcome that hurdle you will loose something or hurt someone very much, one might be moved to try.

For my wife, it was "in what twisted world should I have sex more often than I want (or ever again), just to satisfy this husband." In a long multi-year slide of emotionally hurting each other we had stopped having sex completely for several months and my wife had no seeming desire to start having sex again. I was working on changing myself and trying to understand how I had emotionally hurt my wife, so that I could provide her the emotional love she needed. 

Our sex therapist pointed out that my wife was free to punish her husband by not having sex with me, but she asked my wife what the ultimate consequences would be of her never again having sex with me. My wife didn't understand. The sex therapist asked if she though divorce would be the likely outcome. After a lot of avoidance, my wife finally said yes. 

Then the sex therapist asked me if I had thought about divorce. I replied that I had, that I had researched the State's divorce laws and had promised myself that I would do everything in my power to save my marriage, but by a certain birthday, I was going to be in a loving sexual relationship with a woman, either my wife or someone else. The sex therapist and my wife were both stunned. The ST told my wife that was a reasonable approach and it gave my wife enough time to figure out what she really wanted to do and to understand the consequences of her decision to have or not have sex with her husband. 

The sex therapist then helped through sensate-focus exercises and visualization get us to start having sex again. While still in sessions with the ST, we scheduled a Gottmans Art & Science of Love weekend workshop.

As to the Gottman's on negotiating compromise, they are one of the leading marriage relationship experts in the County. The University of Washington Gottman Love Lab, where couples were observed and quantified is pretty famous around here. In fact around here in the Pacific Northwest, the joke is that when marriage counselors need counseling, they go to the Gottmans. One of the things that they do in their Art & Science of Love weekend is teach people a number of negotiating skills (along with defining shared values, aspirations, etc.). Then they have an exercise where each couple picks out one or two "grid lock topics" 

The couple then sits down at a table and using the skills they have learned try to negotiate with each other over a grid lock issue. Gottman trained marriage counselors then come to each table to briefly observe and offer suggestions to help in the negotiations. When my wife and I did this, we are given time to do (or at least start) two such grid lock negotiations. We weren't able to complete the negotiations, but later, with the help of our sex therapist, we were able to negotiate a compromise on sexual frequency that we both can enjoy (although stretching each of us) and saved our marriage.

This is just my experience and it may not work for anyone else.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm... Bandit... The OP is the woman who may or may not be asexual/doesn't want sex.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


I've got to go with @Bandit on this one.....women do partner with men they aren't attracted to. It happens a lot, in large part because women are not taught to explore what they want sexually and often face family and societal pressure to find a provider. And many have been taught to use sex as leverage.....something he wants and she grudgingly provides when she gets what she wants.

Women aren't raised to enjoy sex for its own sake. 

What would many of us get from our families if we confessed that a millionaire wanted to marry us but we weren't attracted to him? Most families would slap a woman upside the head and tell her to fake it.

It's my belief that very few people are truly asexual, it's usually a combination of attitude toward sex, body image, and lack of finding a partner who does it for them. 

Maybe OP has focused on other things in a partner and neglected how much they did for her sexually. I know if I continually dated nice, chubby guys I wouldn't be hot for any of them.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I've got to go with @Bandit on this one.....women do partner with men they aren't attracted to. It happens a lot, in large part because women are not taught to explore what they want sexually and often face family and societal pressure to find a provider. And many have been taught to use sex as leverage.....something he wants and she grudgingly provides when she gets what she wants.
> 
> Women aren't raised to enjoy sex for its own sake.
> 
> ...


Oh, I wasn't disagreeing with him lol. Just pointing out that the OP is the woman in question, and not the partner of said woman. 😊

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G930A using Tapatalk


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> You are absolutely right about getting past the part of "In what twisted version of the world is my doing this a good idea." That is a huge first hurdle to overcome. All I can say is that if faced with such a hurdle and faced with the prospect that if you don't overcome that hurdle you will loose something or hurt someone very much, one might be moved to try.


Possibly, but I still suspect most people would boil the question down to "Why should I get hurt for their benefit?" I suspect most people answer this quite simply "You shouldn't".


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I got it backwards... wasn't paying attention....

Anyway, I have read in the past (no I don't have the sources off hand) that asexuality is still a big debate. There are those in the psychology and medical world who believe that it is a myth, and that low sex drive is caused by external factors. Then there is a faction who say that it is very real, and is a fourth sexual orientation that should be listed along with heterosexuality, homosexuality/lesbianism and bi-sexuality. 

The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.


Expectations? Social convention? The same reason gay men got married in the past. 

They wouldn't expect a "healthy and enjoyable sex life", and perhaps think everyone else thinks the same way?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.


Maybe they think they've found a chump who will put up with it. Or maybe they think they can provide sex on an infrequent but sufficient enough basis to keep said chump from leaving.

Aka, Nice Guy good provider.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Great news article I just read OP....

Orgasms: Who has them most, least -- and why - CNN.com

40% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Don't feel bad, you're clearly not alone.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Sawney Beane said:


> Possibly, but I still suspect most people would boil the question down to "Why should I get hurt for their benefit?" I suspect most people answer this quite simply "You shouldn't".


Agreed. But if you can't find a way to avoid hurting your partner without getting hurt yourself, then you should end the relationship.

If you frame the issue as "unwanted sex hurts me, why should I do that?" you make it difficult to resolve a mismatch. If you frame it as "how can I think about what we are doing so it doesn't hurt me?" you are more likely to find a solution. If there is no way to think about having sex with your spouse more frequently that doesn't hurt you, then it is time to think about divorce. Thinking about divorce might motivate one to view this as "how can I make this not hurt me?"


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> 40% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Don't feel bad, you're clearly not alone.


Or maybe 40% of men are complete duds in bed. I can't be the only one.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> Or maybe 40% of men are complete duds in bed. I can't be the only one.


I think it's sad so many men blame themselves. Are you still in a sexless marriage?


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> I think it's sad so many men blame themselves. Are you still in a sexless marriage?


Yes, but we are getting along fine. More affection than I ever got before. I am a dud in bed and I can live with that. It helps with tolerating the frequency. If I thought I wasn't a dud, then I would want more and would fantasize about leaving her to obtain more. Accepting myself as a dud allows me to accept staying - which I absolutely intend to do.

Still, I am sure plenty of men are duds. In my experience too few young women know and share what gets them off. Or maybe they just don't share with duds like me. Easier to fake it and then dump the guy and move on to find a guy who does know what he is doing. Young women who want to enjoy sex can easily find partners to keep trying until they find one who works for them. No need to invest in teaching a dud how to be better. I married someone who was uninterested in learning how to make it better for herself much less teach me how to do it. So I never learned. Maybe that makes it partially her fault but doesn't make me less of a dud.

Not fishing for compliments. I am small. Not particularly strong or fit. When young I finished very quickly. And once I was done I stopped everything. Often leaving the woman "hanging". There never was "round 2". I was too ashamed. Yes, I was willing to provide manual and oral as foreplay but never seemed to get favorable results. Didn't know what I was doing and never found anyone willing to teach me. Got lots of requests along the lines of "it isn't going to happen so can you please stop trying and just do PIV until you finish so we can move on to some other activity?" Looking back, given how bad it all was, not sure why I was so fixated on doing more of it. Sorta like asking to bash my head against a wall a few extra times. So happy I am now old and can't perform without pills. The shame permits me to avoid the activity almost entirely so I don't have to be constantly reminded of my inadequacy. And no more fights with H2 over my wanting additional sessions.

We are happy spending time together. The kids have an intact family. We each know the other will take care of us in sickness and old age. Not a bad place for a dud to wind up.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> ......The big question for me is not "if" but why? Why would a person, who is not sexual or desirous of sex, want to get married? Why would they even have an expectation that marriage would not require a healthy and enjoyable sex life.


What I didn't realize when I got married was that my wife had lived in her "fathers" home and then in the college dormitories. Upon graduation she felt she needed to either move "back home" to her parents house or get married. She did not enjoy living with her parents.

My wife also while LD, was hormonaly driven in her late teens and early 20's. He 'desire/demand" level was pretty close to mine, since at the time I was under incredible academic pressure to enter graduate school. My wife thought that marriage would "change" her and allow her to do all those sex acts that others were doing (that we talked about doing when married), but that she didn't feel were now appropriate. 

My wife also really wanted children at some point (although we put it off for a long time).

So the Why would an LD person get married? It might be social, family pressure, desire for a certain lifestyle and a host of things. In fact the LD person and their future partner might not realize how great the LD/HD divide is between them or they may assume that "marriage will change that."


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> In fact the LD person and their future partner might not realize how great the LD/HD divide is between them or they may assume that "marriage will change that."


Regarding that last part. Everyone knows that no matter how bad the problems are beforehand, usually marriage fixes everything. 
>




>




>






>






>
/sarcasm off


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> 40% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Don't feel bad, you're clearly not alone.


If you are going to quote statistics like that then at least put it in better context:



> About 40 percent of women and *30 percent of men experience sexual dysfunction*, a rate much higher than previously believed, according to a new study by researchers at the University and the Robert Wood Johnson Medical School.


Researchers publish new study on sexual dysfunction

Not only is she not alone, but men are almost as equally dysfunctional.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

badsanta said:


> If you are going to quote statistics like that then at least put it in better context:
> 
> Researchers publish new study on sexual dysfunction
> 
> Not only is she not alone, but men are almost as equally dysfunctional.


Whose disputing that some men don't experience dysfunction? 

Obviously there is a multimillion dollar market for Viagra and Cialis users.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Whose disputing that some men don't experience dysfunction?
> 
> Obviously there is a multimillion dollar market for Viagra and Cialis users.


No one, I was just pointing out that in a better context it is better to say BOTH genders struggle with sexual dysfunction. That may actually be helpful for the OP to know.

Otherwise it might come across only as a gender specific statistic like someone saying to you that 8% of men are color blind and if you are too @BetrayedDad then you are not alone. 

Badsanta


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Whose disputing that some men don't experience dysfunction?
> 
> Obviously there is a multimillion dollar market for Viagra and Cialis users.


Agreed.

We need to separate dysfunction from desire. 

Many men have the dysfunction, but their desire to have sex is through the roof.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jacquaenos,

I am locking this thread. If you wish me to unlock it, send me a PM. We prefer that when people create threads of this sort - that they participate in them.





bandit.45 said:


> Agreed.
> 
> We need to separate dysfunction from desire.
> 
> Many men have the dysfunction, but their desire to have sex is through the roof.


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