# Blame It On Me...



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Do seasoned long-time veteran husbands feel like the only way to keep peace with their wife is if they just take the blame for everything? 

Lately my wife was getting upset about me not talking to her about things, yet she won't acknowledge how unapproachable and incorrigible she gets when she gets an attitude. So she asks how come I didn't tell her about something, I tell her because you caught an attitude around the time and we just couldn't talk about it then. She then gets upset that I didn't *remember* to talk about it again later. I feel like well at that point you can ask me about things later when you cool down. So then she gets mad at me about that. I could then just say, "it is all my fault, I'm sorry" (and not really mean it), she would then feel better, but it wouldn't solve the problem. It won't prevent the next time shE gets emotional or _attitudinal_ preventing another communication breakdown.

Anyone else experiencing this with their wives???


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

geeze I hope my marriage doesn't ever get like that


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I think it is really hard in marriage to separate "who is to blame for what". Instead, I see both partners as responsible for any dynamic in their marriage.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> how come I didn't tell her about something, I tell her because you caught an attitude around the time and we just couldn't talk about it then. She then gets upset that I didn't *remember* to talk about it again later. I feel like well at that point you can ask me about things later when you cool down.


Not following here. Sounds like you want her to be a mind reader. You don't tell her something but expect her to bring it up later?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I acquiesed my STBXW until I grew rather tired of it, as I greatly want to "call a spade a spade." I took the blame for most everything while she took none.

Then when I started defending myself ~ she didn't like it! So she just quit communicating with me, then obviously found time for her OMen.

Either that, or she was just picking fights with me to further her distance from me, and in essence, shortening the distance to as well as justifying her covert relationships with both of her out-of-town FB BF's.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Not following here. Sounds like you want her to be a mind reader. You don't tell her something but expect her to bring it up later?


No, I didn't expect her to read my mind. Later the topic will come up and she would get mad that I didn't tell her sooner. I explain that I didn't tell her sooner for the simple fact that she was attitudinal and therefore was receptive to being talked to at the time.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I think it is really hard in marriage to separate "who is to blame for what". Instead, I see both partners as responsible for any dynamic in their marriage.


Perhaps you are right, and that is what SHE says too...LOL. At the same time, I often see emotionally-charged, and sometimes abusive, men and women imply "you make me act this way"...SMH...nah buddy...everyone must take ownership of their own behaviors.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Almostrecovered said:


> geeze I hope my marriage doesn't ever get like that


I hope so too...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

But aren't YOU saying she makes YOU act this way?

Aren't you saying that her actions make you have to take the blame for things to keep peace?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> But aren't YOU saying she makes YOU act this way?
> 
> Aren't you saying that her actions make you have to take the blame for things to keep peace?


Yeah, but I don't make her become impossible to talk to.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Right, you just accept it. Therefore, you are choosing your own circumstances.

But then blaming her for them.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right, you just accept it. Therefore, you are choosing your own circumstances.
> 
> But then blaming her for them.


I agree. Adults are not that much different than children. By that I mean they will often push as far as they can to get their way. A child who acts in an entitled manner all too often is the result of a parent giving in (even if just to keep the peace).

Here, the OP is doing the same. He won't stand up to her then complains because she treats him in a way that he allows.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right, you just accept it. Therefore, you are choosing your own circumstances.
> 
> But then blaming her for them.


I don't just accept it. The question here (for the MEN) is if they find they have to accept it in order to have peace in their homes. Not blaming, just making an observation...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I don't just accept it. The question here (for the MEN) is if they find they have to accept it in order to have peace in their homes. Not blaming, just making an observation...


I could, but it would be a short term peace (assuming I am doing so not because I deserve the blame but because I don't want an argument). 

Ever watch the show "Super Nanny"? The kids run wild with no rules. This is inevitably because the parents take the easy way out. They give in for the short term peace. This causes long term suffering because the kids soon learn that they can bully their parents. Adults are not that much different.

You are teaching your wife that she can bully you. She throws a fit. You take the blame to keep the peace. She learns what she needs to do to never be in the wrong.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> yet she won't acknowledge how unapproachable and incorrigible she gets when she gets an attitude.


Ok so I'm going to go another direction with this one than the other posters. 

Have you been able to explain to her exactly what she does that gives you this opinion--that she is having an attitude? Like, are you able to point it out to her when she does it (in a nice way) without her getting defensive? 

H and I have the same run around all the time. He wouldn't tell me something "cuz I had an attitude", then he forgot, I found out and got pissed cuz he didn't tell me in the first place, round and round and round. 

He would simply say "it's your attitude" without helping me understand what I was doing that he was interperting as "attitudinal"- was it my facial expression, was I stomping around, body language. So one day, I asked him to point it out when I did it (nicely and at that moment plus I promised not to get defensive) so I could stop and look at myself right THEN to see if I could figure out what he sees. 

Not sure if she is willing to do that (maybe you have tried already) but it could help her have less attitude in YOUR eyes if SHE can pinpoint what she's doing that YOU see as attitudinal. Does that make sense? 

Maybe it would help prevent the "communication breakdown". Good luck.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> It won't prevent the next time shE gets emotional or _attitudinal_ preventing another communication breakdown.


Isn't this the real issue? How often does it happen? Same or similar issues (money, sex, kids, work)?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

bailingout said:


> Ok so I'm going to go another direction with this one than the other posters.
> 
> Have you been able to explain to her exactly what she does that gives you this opinion--that she is having an attitude? Like, are you able to point it out to her when she does it (in a nice way) without her getting defensive?
> 
> ...


Been there, done that...

The only thing that helps is if I stroke her ego in some way to bring her down which I get tired of doing, especially if she is wrong about something...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Isn't this the real issue? How often does it happen? Same or similar issues (money, sex, kids, work)?


Yes, the communication breakdown is the real issue. Depends on the issue when it happens. It used to happen all the time money, kids, and sex, but we've worked our way down to a couple hot-button topics....


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Been there, done that......


I am sorry that we apparantly walk in the same shoes. I however am willing to look at myself when H "sees" something so I can try to change/improve myself, unfortunately in his eyes I need to figure it out myself, his thinks by pointing it out to me would be bashing me. I don't see constructive criticism in an attempt to help someone else improve themselves as bashing, esp when they have requested it. Which I have many times.



RunFromYourWife said:


> The only thing that helps is if I stroke her ego in some way to bring her down which I get tired of doing


I understand this one completely. I don't think it's my responsibility to stroke his ego, I do think it's necessary for me to show appreciation and/or compliment him, but stroke his ego so he will choose to act like an adult, no. 



RunFromYourWife said:


> especially if she is wrong about something...


Being "wrong"...hm...this one I struggle with a little. I don't think anyone is particularly "wrong" about some things, they just have different opinion and I don't see how one's opinion can be wrong. I can see how someone could disagree with anothers opinion, but disagreeing doesn't make it "wrong."

These are just my opinions.  Good luck.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Yes, the communication breakdown is the real issue. Depends on the issue when it happens. It used to happen all the time money, kids, and sex, but we've worked our way down to a couple hot-button topics....


Can you agree to disagree and move on over at least some of those couple of issues?


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> Can you agree to disagree and move on over at least some of those couple of issues?


Not really important things that pertain to children, finances, etc.

I've just let some things go looking at the "big picture", but some things just can't be let go...


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