# A rational conversation about divorce....



## Anoninwa (Aug 15, 2013)

Does anyone have any tips on how to get my wife to have a rational conversation about divorce? We have been married for 21 years. I just don't love her anymore. I'm the one that wants out, my wife still thinks we can make it work. I have not told her that I don't love her, only that I don't know what I want....yes, I know that's not fair. Someone close to me has died recently and ever since I've been questioning everything in my life. I've come to the realization that I will not stay married simply to avoid starting over. Because of my recent loss, my wife has asked me to wait six months before we make a decision about divorce and I've agreed.
When we have discussed the possibility of divorce recently she immediately starts freaking out about finding divorce attorneys, and is generally unable to have a rational discussion. She thinks we can just file for divorce and that's the end of it. She refuses to think about child support, alimony, affording two households, or any of the other practical matters of divorce. I understand she's this way because of the emotion, but at some point there needs to be a rational, thoughtful, and intelligent conversation.
How do I get her there?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Maybe you can't get her there, short of filing yourself. You may have to do all the work and planning until then. She doesn't want it - you do, so it's on you if you don't think there's a way to fix what you have.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

She's in denial. If she ignores it, it will just "go away".

Or so she thinks.

Serve her with papers, that will clear the fog.

Since you want out and you're going to crush her, consider giving her a more reasonable settlement than you might get if a court ultimately makes the decision.

It's the least you can do for breaking your marital vows to a person who committed themselves to you for the rest of their natural life, whose needs take a back seat to your own.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I just love that statement.

A rational conversation about divorce.

That is crazy enough but you should also add: "when one party doesn't want it"

Sure. How could it not be rational?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm confused, why are you trying to have conversations about divorce at all if you agreed to wait six months to see if you can make it work?

Follow up question, if you aren't taking that time to throw both of yourselves into full-on marriage recovery mode, then why wait six months?


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## Anoninwa (Aug 15, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> I'm confused, why are you trying to have conversations about divorce at all if you agreed to wait six months to see if you can make it work?


I'm just looking down the road.



cdbaker said:


> Follow up question, if you aren't taking that time to throw both of yourselves into full-on marriage recovery mode, then why wait six months?


I don't know. She's thinks that I need time to cope with my loss before I make a major decision. I agreed to wait. We have been talking to a counselor and she agrees that it's not the time for me to make any serious life altering decisions. I just don't know. I agreed to wait the six months because my wife deserves it. She also deserves to be with someone who truly loves her and wants to make her happy. It just can't be me. 

She's the mother of my daughter and I love her for that reason, but I don't love her the way either one of us deserves. I can't look at her in the eyes, I don't want her to touch me, I ignore her, and everything she does just feels wrong to me. She doesn't deserve to be treated that way. We are going in different directions and I don't see us ever finding common ground again.

The truth is, I don't want things to work out, I just want to be alone. I know the marriage should end now, I just don't want to hurt her anymore. She's always had self esteem issues and this obviously doesn't help. Yes, I feel like an d!(k. Yes, I feel guilty. Yes, it's my fault.

We can't control what chance brings us; we can only control our reactions to those things. Unfortunately, I'm not coping well, and the people around me are suffering.


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## Anoninwa (Aug 15, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I just love that statement.
> 
> A rational conversation about divorce.
> 
> ...


You're right. We should all be governed completely by our emotions, and rationality, intelligence, and responsibility she be left for more important decisions...like what's for dinner.

I understand she shouldn't be jumping up and down excited about discussing divorce, but at some point we need to talk about practicality.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Anoninwa said:


> You're right. We should all be governed completely by our emotions, and rationality, intelligence, and responsibility she be left for more important decisions...like what's for dinner.
> 
> I understand she shouldn't be jumping up and down excited about discussing divorce, but at some point we need to talk about practicality.


Spin it how you want.
Truth is, you know it won't be rational.
At least not in the beginning.
And easy for someone who is withdrawn to discuss something like divorce sans emotion and with "intelligence".
Try being the faithful one who doesn't want it.
Tell THAT person to check their emotions at the door.

You want rationality and no emotion?
Hire a lawyer and wait til she does the same.
I am pretty sure those lawyers will help both of you to $ee it rationally.
They will have no emotional inve$tment in the 2 of you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Anoninwa said:


> You're right. We should all be governed completely by our emotions, and rationality, intelligence, and responsibility she be left for more important decisions...like what's for dinner.
> 
> I understand she shouldn't be jumping up and down excited about discussing divorce, but at some point we need to talk about practicality.


Most women ARE emotional ...especially when it comes to losing the man you love, losing your family unit and losing your home.

It's easy peasy for you... YOU don't love her....YOU want to leave.

She is having her heart broken by this.

Why don't YOU try to be more kind and compassionate instead of expecting her to react like a machine.

If she gets so upset talking about these issues why not put them on paper... then you won't have to hear or see her crying and upset and she can read and absorb.


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