# She has excuses?



## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

So me and my fiancée have been together for a total of 3 years.

In our first 6 months together, we were having sex like rabbits. We were doing it 3-5 times a day, she loved it.
Though after those initial 6 months her sex drive took a nose dive.

She blames a few things. One of which I am too big, which I sort of believed her. It wouldn't have been the first time I heard it, and she also has a small vagina, though in our first 6 months, that was never an issue.

Next would be birth control, she claims it is killing her sex drive, it is not getting her wet enough. She hates lubes, she claims it reminds her too much of her Gyno checking around.
For us to even start I am forced to go down on her to her flowing, and she hates me going down on her.
She won't get off the birth control, knowing herself it might be killing her sex drive.

Next she claims she is too tired. Nothing I can do about that, it is her lifestyle.

Now she blackmails for sex, we have gone from doing it 3-5 times a day to 1-2 times a week.
I have to do stuff for her, I have to go places with her, just for 30 minutes of her laying on her back.

I do not believe it is right for her to blackmail me like that, and I would love some advice.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You want advice? I don't think you're going to like the advice you're going to get. Here's a hint....you're planning to marry this woman? You don't think situations like this get better do you? This period of your relationship is likely to be the best sex you'll ever have with her.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Sex is important in a marriage.
It sounds to me like she did what was needed to reel you in, but now she thinks that she has you and can quit.
Move on. If you marry her, you will likely never see her naked again.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Advice? Easy... Stop trying to have sex with her... Sex, you see, is an activity toward which you should BOTH be trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Advice? Break up with her. She doesn't want to have sex with you. That won't change for the better after you marry. It only gets worse from here.

If you can't bring yourself to break up with her yet, then understand that the sexual blackmail won't stop until you stop going for it. She will keep doing it if it works every time. Don't go somewhere with her just so you can have 30 minutes of her laying on her back. Don't go for the blackmail. Tell her you don't want to be engaged with a woman who uses sex as bait. Just walk away from her at that point, and go do something else. Better yet, leave the house and go do something fun.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Nice touch that she tells you you are too large for her.

She's c0ckblocked you every way she can.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

A woman blackmails you with sex?!?! LOL!! Welcome to heterosexual relationships!!!!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Run!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

1-2 times a week and you're complaining? That is normal..also birth control does screw up a womans sex drive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intrigid (May 21, 2012)

Good thing she's your fiancee and not your wife.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

If you get married knowing all this you are crazy,the best thing you have now is a chance to get out of this fast as you can.


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## iGuy (Apr 23, 2012)

Joshy said:


> So me and my fiancée have been together for a total of 3 years.
> 
> In our first 6 months together, we were having sex like rabbits. We were doing it 3-5 times a day, she loved it.
> Though after those initial 6 months her sex drive took a nose dive.
> ...


In 13 years, this will be the introduction to another post that you will create. You'll be unable to understand why your marriage is on the rocks.

Tough my wife and I never had sex before we got married, she has excuses like yours. The excuses will never end and you will have this for the rest of your life.

I've been down this road...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Joshy said:


> Next would be birth control, she claims it is killing her sex drive, it is not getting her wet enough.


Birth control can mess up a woman’s sex drive. She should see a doctor about this, find out what can be done to improve the sex drive. Other forms of BC might be better for her.


Joshy said:


> She won't get off the birth control, knowing herself it might be killing her sex drive.


What do you propose she substitute it with? Abortions? You using condoms? You getting snipped?


Joshy said:


> Next she claims she is too tired. Nothing I can do about that, it is her lifestyle.


What in her lifestyle makes her tired? This is something that she has control over.


Joshy said:


> Now she blackmails for sex, we have gone from doing it 3-5 times a day to 1-2 times a week.


Well, a lot of us would be more than happy to get it 1-2 a week. It’s not reasonable to expect a 3-5 times a day schedule to continue indefinitely.


Joshy said:


> I have to do stuff for her, I have to go places with her, just for 30 minutes of her laying on her back.


Oh horrors of horrors, you have to go places with her. Really? Why does she feel that she has to blackmail you to get you to do things with and for her?

One thing we find here is that we generally only get one side of the story here. But we get little peeks into the ‘rest of the story’. 

This comment is one of those peeks. First off, she has to blackmail you in order to get you to do things with her… would she say that you are ignoring her and not meeting her needs? And then you make a pretty rude remark about “30 minutes of her laying on her back”. Gee what a turn off.

You know.. “Women need a reason to have sex (or make love). Men only need a place.” Those remarks give me the impression that for some time now her needs have not been met and thus she does not feel that ‘reason’ to have sex. I really wish she would come here and tell us her side of the story.



Joshy said:


> I do not believe it is right for her to blackmail me like that, and I would love some advice.


So how does she blackmail you? What are the words she uses? 

Your relationship is very broken right now. Both of you share the responsibility for this. Either the two of you need to go to counseling together and fix this, or you should end the relationship. As it is, things will only get worse as time goes on.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sex is glue to a relationship. I don't know what you may have not told us so I will make no presumptions. Having said that whatever is causing it will only get worse if you don't fix it. 

If you feel you can't fix it then you either have to call it quits or prepare yourself for a life of semi celibacy.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She has created a dynamic in your relationship that will make you miserable for the next 50 years.

If you cannot create the following dynamic you should run. What must be created:

-- You are sexual and need your marriage to be highly sexual
-- She has to find a way to be sexual toward you (as opposed to using excuses and / or giving you the hoops to jump though)
-- The sexual part of the relationship is non negotiable and the moment it stops you are walking


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

My first reaction is the birth control.

My second reaction is RUN FORREST RUN! This will NOT get better after you're married, especially if you bring kids into the mix

Fix this issue now or cancel the wedding!


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Birth control can mess up a woman’s sex drive. She should see a doctor about this, find out what can be done to improve the sex drive. Other forms of BC might be better for her.
> 
> What do you propose she substitute it with? Abortions? You using condoms? You getting snipped?
> 
> ...



I have suggested to her to try another birth control, she has declined the offer.

She isn't scared of getting pregnant, that isn't even why she is on birth control, she is on it to 'regulate her cycle'. Admitted herself she thinks it is killing her sex drive.
She hates condoms, and I will not get snipped before I have a child. She knows this, and has 2 kids. So she has been selfish and has gone back on promises she made to me involving this subject.

Her life style is her overworking herself at work. She feels in debt for her boss that overworks her and underpays her. She literally is a secretary for a Radioactive Chemical company doing the job of 4 people, by herself. Because her boss refuses to hire new people to help her.
She has gotten offers from other jobs for less hours and 1.5-2x the money. Jobs that she should be doing with her Bachelor Degree, instead of neglecting it. 
I have told her to quit, it is making her too tired and she refuses because she loves her boss, small old man. Money is not an issue at all.
She also never gives herself down time, and she DOESN'T let me help her cook or clean, she refuses my help daily, and exhaust herself further.

I wouldn't ask her for several times a day, never. Those days seem to be long gone, as long as she is on her birth control, and by 1-2x a week that is 50-50. Half the time it is 1-2x a month, the other half I will get lucky and it will be once or twice a week.

Well I have a very bad back, and I do work. She knows this. I need surgery on my back but she refuses to let me risk it, and I am not comfortable with the spine surgery I need.
So I try to go everywhere I can with her- within the limitations of the pain I am experiencing everyday, all day.
She knows this, and I still attempt to go everywhere I can with her, as much as possible.
Though the places she knows will hurt me are the places she attempts to blackmail me with, and when her blackmails occasionally fail, she storms out slamming the door.

I find the 30 minutes of her laying on her back more being honest rather than sugarcoating what she is doing. One minute she says she is in pain and a minute later she says she loves it, or she says I am hitting her cervix. Which I find wierd because in the past there were only 3-5 occasions where I would go deep enough to hit her cervix like she says, I know from past experiences my limitations on how deep I can go. Now its all the time. Also the 30 minutes is a huge exaggeration So she uses , it is more like 10 minutes, she forces me to cum quicker than I would like or I am forced to listen to her complain all day. So she uses it as a bargaining chip, and she also hurries it and complains.


She blackmails me with:
"I know you are in pain but we haven't done it all week, or all month, if you go here and here with me, we can do it."
She uses more but this is an example.

No matter what I try and do, she shoots it down, she doesn't take my opinions serious and she seems to not care.

She says I am too hardheaded and stubborn to accept she doesn't want to do it like she use to.
I have told her it isn't always about her like she wishes, she has to compromise at some point.

I was sexually active when we first got together, she knew this, it isn't as if this is striking her as new.
I have compromised with her significantly and it seems she isn't willing to meet me half way.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Joshy said:


> She blackmails me with:
> "I know you are in pain but we haven't done it all week, or all month, if you go here and here with me, we can do it."
> She uses more but this is an example.


I had to stop reading right... There...

If you would STILL try to have sex with that woman after being talked to like that, you don't deserve any of the advice people are giving you here.

Just STOP trying to have sex with her, please, do yourself a favor... Do your job at home, do your share of the chores, etc. Who is she to tell you you "can't" help her. Is she your boss? You're a grown man. You tell her to STFU and you do some chores anyway. It's your home and you care about it, so you do your part to clean it. You are not "helping" her if you do some cooking and cleaning, it's not "her" job to be helped with. It's your home too. You do it, and if she starts whining about not wanting help, you tell her quite bluntly that you are NOT doing it to help her. It's your home too. You're doing things for your home PERIOD. Tell her to go KICK ROCKS if she still whines.

Then when you're done with your chores, you catch up on some exercise, some movies/books, hanging with your friends, etc.

STOP screwing her while she lies there for ten minutes complaning about it. STOP. Have some respect for yourself.

If my wife talked to me like that in your last post, she would never get laid again from me unless we had some kind of SERIOUS re-negotiation of our marriage and/or therapist intervention.

Please take control of your marriage again. You are a partner not a subordinate... Being told you get ten minutes to screw her, that you're not allowed to help her cook/clean, etc. just SCREAMS infantile status for you. You're her little child. She sounds like a HUGE control freak and if she has full license to make you her puppet then you have nobody to blame but yourself.

PLEASE, make sure at the least that you no longer accept this kind of sexual arrangement. Just COMPLETELY stop trying to sleep with her AT ALL until the balance of power in your marriage is made fair again. Make it fair. No one will do it for you.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Take heed Joshy--This advice is all born of painstakingly brutal personal experiences. She needs to stop the crap and you will need to insist on it. Use a "Man UP" mantra and always ask yourself if what she is asking of you is good for you. If not, you will still help at times, but you will be selective and pick your battles. You will not like where this ends up if you don't become an equal partner with her ASAP. Man up.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Birth control pills can ABSOLUTELY lower a woman's libido. Try using condoms instead. 

You should talk to her abou thow you feel and how you do not want this to be a problem in te future. Absolutely have this conversation. If you are not ok with the frequency, speak up. Remember, you don't have to marry her. But by the same token:



norajane said:


> Advice? Break up with her. She doesn't want to have sex with you.


He says they have sex on a weekly basis. 




CantSitStill said:


> 1-2 times a week and you're complaining? That is normal..also birth control does screw up a womans sex drive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


OP--communicate with her how you feel. That's the bottom line.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I just read where you said sometimes you only have sex 1-2x a month. Ya man. Talk to her. If you aren't ok with it & she is unwilling to meet you halfway, break up.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

This dynamic will get progressively worse especially after you marry.

Find a way to fix this or do not marry this woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Either she doesn't like sex or she doesn't like sex with you. Those excuses are lame and easily workable, if she wanted to. 

If you like sex.. run and find someone else who likes it too! Stay and it will be much tougher to leave when it gets worse, which it will. Unless you've both chosen to abstain until marriage, this should be the easiest time to be having sex.. before you have kids and are all financially entangled. Right now she should be on you like white on rice, and if she's not, she only cares about getting married and having that security/your money.

Ask yourself what she's getting out of this and what you're getting in return. You have to be a little selfish or you're going to end up hating your life.

There's a good chance you can do better...


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

Intimacy is the keystone to a healthy marriage, without it you will both struggle to find happiness.

How close are you to the wedding? if its far off and not much is planned you have some time to talk, maybe see a therapist and figure things out. if its getting close, like 6 mo or less, try and post pone it, dont break it off but just say you want to push the date back 6 mo or a year to buy some time to work things out. if its a month or less you basically have to decided if youre sticking with it or calling it off, which will prob result in the end of the relationship.

But please dont marry someone with a incompatible sex drive. I made this mistake and i hope if nothing else i can maybe get a few people to learn from my mistakes.

My wife always was fine when we dated, multiple times a week was no big deal for her, she wanted as much as I did, soon as we got engaged it took a nose dive, looking back on it i suppose it was a kind of bait and switch, i dont think she did it on purpose but i think subconsciously she though "ok i dont have to pretend to like sex anymore now that were getting married" It really bothered me but she always seemed to have an excuse and i bought into all of the excuses, now after being married two years shes run out of excuses and ive run out of patience and am at a breaking point.

So get the conversation started, look into therapy, if the meds bother her have her go to the dr, there are non-hormonal forms of birth control other than condoms obviously. If she is recognizes there is a problem and that her libido has dropped and wants to work with you to fix the problem youre fine, just have patience, sometimes those issues take time to resolve, seeing therapists, switching BC etc...however, if she denies a problem, blows you off, switches the subject, refuses to see a therapist, dr or change meds, give her the boot, there are plenty of fish in the see, ones that understand what makes for a happy relationship.

Oh, as far as the "blackmail" goes, i dont know your relationship but thats pretty standard, its not blackmail, its called reciprocating. For example if she watches the ball game on tv with you she might expect you to go to the mall with her the next day, of if you go to her parents for dinner on sunday you can expect her to do something she doesn't like with your family, or one weekend is time with her friends the next with yours etc...often the easiest way for her to repay you for somethign nice you have done is to offer up a romantic favor. Should that be the ONLY reason you two have sex? no certainly not, it should be mutual and she should want it on occasion, but chances are she will want it less than you so if you expect her to go above the amount she desires she will expect you to do something above and beyond. Some guys see this as a bad thing, as if you are the one being "black mailed" other men do it in the opposite and lay the guilt trip down on their women and essential say hey i spent x hours with you doing girly lame stuff i expect you to return the favor in the bedroom, to each his own i suppose ;-)


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Birth control pills can ABSOLUTELY lower a woman's libido. Try using condoms instead.


Birth control pills, however, do not make someone a controlling *******... Did you read how he's not "allowed" to do house chores? It's not just the sex! 





Jellybeans said:


> He says they have sex on a weekly basis.


They have sex, but they don't make love. And the sex he does get (ten minutes of "Hurry up and cum while I lay on my back enduring this torture for you") only occurs as part of a "reward" system that she explicitly negotiates as such... Horrible! lol




Jellybeans said:


> OP--communicate with her how you feel. That's the bottom line.


Ain't that the truth... But what's frustrating for us, at least for me, is that the OP strikes me as someone who won't do this and stand up for himself... If someone is not willing to stand up for himself, how are anonymous people online going to stand up for him? I hope I'm wrong.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

put your track shoes on and run like hell, you;re getting a slight glimps of your future sex life. but it's even worse than this


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## Joshy (May 22, 2012)

Interlocutor said:


> Birth control pills, however, do not make someone a controlling *******... Did you read how he's not "allowed" to do house chores? It's not just the sex!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have suggested she try new birth control, several times. She just won't get off the one she is on, knowing it is killing her sex drive. I can't force her to take a pill she doesn't want to take, even though its for her benefit. She agrees that the month before her new birth control, she was perfectly fine. She switched it up and she completely changed, I do not know how I can get someone to change their birth control when they willingly and know it is changing them for the worst.
I do not know if I can secretly tell her doctor that the birth control is not helping her and she knows it isn't. 

When I do chores without her help, she will flip and we will have an argument. I have a hot temper but I can control it so I will remove myself from the situation. She will end up cleaning whatever I cleaned up, even if it was 5 minutes in between.
I never feel like it is "her" job to do, but she does, and she won't let me help or tell her otherwise.

I stand up for myself and currently I am living in my own apartment until I feel she is ready to make a change, we still keep in contact. Being that the home is in her name, she would always try and kick me out when she didn't get it her way.
So I left and told her, if she really wants to be with me, she needs to look at herself and see what she is doing wrong.

I have listened to her forever to tell me I need to change and that I need to go to someone, but when it is time for me to tell her to get a change and go to someone, she says even she wont, she doesn't need to.

I have been going back to her place to gather my stuff every few days, and she ends up breaking down giving me 20 questions.
"Why are you doing this."
"Why are you trying to leave me?"
"Why are you taking that? Aren't you coming back?"
"Please stop being silly, just come back."


We haven't had sex since March, and it seems like she is lost. I do not talk to her about it, nothing.
I am waiting for her to initiate it, like she has asked me to do for the past 3 years.
In the past 3 years she has initiated it 2 times...
It is as if she doesn't care.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

Do you think she is OCD? She is skeeved out about lube.. flips out when she get into her 'territory' like certain chores.. you screwed like bunnies and now suddenly you're 'too big' for her.. self-improvement double standard, ie putting everything back on you saying 'you have to change' and refusing to change anything about herself?

and sorry, can you clarify this?



> For us to even start I am forced to go down on her to her flowing, and she hates me going down on her.


you're forced to go down her during her period, and she hates it?



> I have listened to her forever to tell me I need to change and that I need to go to someone, but when it is time for me to tell her to get a change and go to someone, she says even she wont, she doesn't need to.


what specifically does she expect you to change? the Self-improvement double standard is bullshyt. I still get this from time to time and could say much more about it.

so yeah, all these things would be dealbreakers for me and alot of guys who aren't even married yet. This is NOT NORMAL for an engaged couple. I repeat NOT NORMAL. It's good that you're taking your stuff out.. hopefully that gets her attention.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You want advice? I don't think you're going to like the advice you're going to get. Here's a hint....you're planning to marry this woman? You don't think situations like this get better do you? This period of your relationship is likely to be the best sex you'll ever have with her.


It will never get any better.. It will only get worse, until she wants to have a baby.


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