# How do you cope with the rejection and disrespect? (BHs)



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Here I am thinking all the time about how my wife cheated on me for 7 months and then left me for OM while I was the one fighting to save our marriage/family. She had OM move in with her shortly after we split up. Great move for the kids there. 

Someone suggested to me that by her actions she probably secretly hates me because she thinks I wasn't jealous enough, and that I didn't discover the affair on my own, and that I pursued her even after she wanted to leave me. Is it that repellant to a woman that the man she was with for 7 years might want to save his marriage and family? I used to be the guy she couldn't keep her hands off of. 

All the insulting comments she must have made to him about me, how she submitted to him sexually, all of this going on behind my back and while we have young children together. Of course, he thinks he's rescuing her from an unhappy marriage, which yes it is becoming really unhappy once there is an affair. (I wonder if I knew the full story of her actions would I even be able to talk to her with any civility?) 

Even if I could only feel pity and disgust for her (which I only sometimes do), I'm still dealing with this feeling of being "traded in" for another model. 

We have kids together so I have to see her from time to time. 

So how do you deal with her knowing she's probably trashed your manhood in her mind and with OM?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You don't deal with it cuz it ain't true.

Who is the loyal man here? Who keeps his marriage vows? Who valued the family unit more then his own self respect?

You did!!!! you are the better man. These poeple you talk about are way lower then you. 

Come on you have to see this, no matter how they justify there evil, they can not nearly hold their head up higher then you can.

The best thing you can do is smile and wish jer the best, knowing that these kind of poeple are out of your life. Its hard but fake it until you make it.

Dude, look at what this women has become.....not at what this women has done to you!

Stop letting those two poeple define who you want to be.

ITS THEM NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!

Your the good guy here, why can't you see this, and your "i'm the victim" bull crap just plays into there hand. You have to show them and others that you are way better then them and way better off.

get it?

The higher you hold your head up the lower their heads will look and other will see this.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The only thing being trashed here is your WW and OM reputation as being a bunch of low life cheaters.

And thats just one of many reasons to expose this A for what it is!


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

the guy said:


> The only thing being trashed here is your WW and OM reputation as being a bunch of low life cheaters.
> 
> And thats just one of many reasons to expose this A for what it is!


Exactly.

Do not apologize for mourning the loss of your marriage. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. The down times are a shared responsibility - just as getting back to the up times is a shared responsibility. I recognize my failings to work harder to keep the spark alive (25 year marriage - cheating problems started around year 20 - 21). But in NO way am I responsible for my wife's decision to cheat and then lie about it - i.e. invest her time and emotion on a new relationship vs discussing problems and working on her marriage. 

Think about it. You attracted your wife when she was at her best. You didn't need to prey upon an unhappy, insecure, married woman to get into a relationship. YOU are the better man, the other guy is a pathetic POS. And if your wife is attracted to THAT, then good riddance to her. Chances are it will never work out. Meanwhile, you will find a new mate - somebody more deserving of you.


----------



## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

If you answer a woman's every demand she will one day despise you. Invariably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Thanks guys, I hear you but how do deal with the very basic truth that she became more satisfied with someone else? That you essentially were "unfit" as a husband and a lover?

Forget the vows, we're just animals on some level and some other male human won her over. 

I've stopped feeling the victim, but I do feel the reject. Is this something that tends to go away over time or when something good happens e.g. I meet another woman?


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

WhiteMousse said:


> If you answer a woman's every demand she will one day despise you. Invariably.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I didn't. She thought she needed to change for me but I did not ask her to. 

It's so effing tricky. I read stuff like MMSL and it makes so much sense but I no longer have a way to test it out. What women want? It seems they want a strong man, but even that definition is elastic.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Thanks guys, I hear you but how do deal with the very basic truth that she became more satisfied with someone else? That you essentially were "unfit" as a husband and a lover?
> 
> Forget the vows, we're just animals on some level and some other male human won her over.
> 
> I've stopped feeling the victim, but I do feel the reject. Is this something that tends to go away over time or when something good happens e.g. I meet another woman?



Maybe your case is similar. I look at my wife now and I do not see a "satisfied" person. Her POSOM eventually married the woman he was cheating on with my wife (who is 13 years older). My wife says that SHE broke off the relationship because SHE felt "guilty". I think that's BS. The POSOM was using her and had his fun. It was an easy conquest. My wife was unhappy in our marriage and made bad choices. She was an easy target to any POS who wanted to fool around with a married woman. I think she knows this and it scares her. All the emotion she invested and she got nothing.

She's now a pathetic 48 year old chasing a fantasy. Don't get me wrong - she is successful, gorgeous (looks mid-thirties) - but she is totally screwed up. Every time I feel myself longing for her, I replace that thought with pity. When her looks start to fade she will be left with nothing.

I miss my old wife (ie my wife pre-cheating). But that wife is gone. The woman who "rejected" me was somebody I would never have married in the first place.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

staystrong said:


> Thanks guys, I hear you but how do deal with the very basic truth that she became more satisfied with someone else? That you essentially were "unfit" as a husband and a lover?
> 
> Forget the vows, we're just animals on some level and some other male human won her over.
> 
> I've stopped feeling the victim, but I do feel the reject. Is this something that tends to go away over time or when something good happens e.g. I meet another woman?


So you think the Om is the winner here? Do you really believe the Om got the prize?

Sorry buddy, but you are the one that got the prize when the OM took this problem off your hands.

Screw your feelings if you want to have this pity party I can't help you. But I can tell you until you get these feelings of rejection straighten out you will continue to let this women define you.

Dude you were not rejected, your old lady was in the fog and believes the grass is greener on the other side.

Little does she know that when she is an old women, alone with a trailer full of cats and cat boo she will regret leaving you those many years ago.

Cant you see its not rejecting you....its her own issues with entitlement, lack of boundries and the inablity to have a commited relationship.

As far as the OM is concerned he didn't win sh1t, he got laid and when she moves on to the next guy he will move on to the next married women. Another lonely man that will be found dead and alone by the post man in a shack full of dogs and dog boo.

AGAIN, ITS HER, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!!

SHE WILL GO THRU LIFE, MAN AFTER MAN CUZ OF HER OWN ISSUES!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for shouting but you gatta stop thing so negitive and get out and be positve and confident or chicks won't dig you.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> Sorry for shouting but you gatta stop thing so negitive and get out and be positve and confident or chicks won't dig you.


Ha Ha, keep shouting! I agree with your statement and I will find another woman.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Maybe your case is similar. I look at my wife now and I do not see a "satisfied" person.


No, I don't think they can ever be completely satisfied unless they were leaving a really bad situation. That wasn't the case for me and from what I can tell it wasn't the case for you, either. 

I think she probably feels she made the right decision for herself, but that the reality is difficult e.g. child custody.

Are you "over" her?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When ever thise thoughts or mind movies start to enter your head force them out by telling your self "you diserve good things".
Repeat this...say it over and over until thiat devil gets off your shoulder. 

Don't let those thoughts fester, back in the day I would repeat "I diserve good things" over and over. thats how bad my mind movies were. But you know what, if this crap is about sex then your STBX has alot to learn and it only verifies how empty she will be in her old age.

So enough about all this bull crap..no more needs to be said, her choices are hers and she made a very bad choice. You have been released from her so use this oppertunity wisely and move on and showing other how better off you are for it.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

These kind of waywards will never be satisfied, thats why its so great that they release the betrayed, so that the betrayed can go find someone that can be satisfied, happy and believe in commitment.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your weren't rejected, your STBXW released you so you can go find someone better.

STBXW and AP will reap what they sowed.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Thanks guys, I hear you but how do deal with the very basic truth that she became more satisfied with someone else? That you essentially were "unfit" as a husband and a lover?
> 
> Forget the vows, we're just animals on some level and some other male human won her over.
> 
> I've stopped feeling the victim, but I do feel the reject. Is this something that tends to go away over time or when something good happens e.g. I meet another woman?


Married life becomes routine. Life with you is known. Other man is fantasy. Life with him at this point knows no bounds of how good and magical it can be. The truth is, that life with him will become routine. Life with him will become known. She will then look for another man to fulfill her. Maybe, just maybe, she will realize that this is the natural progression.

He was not better in bed than you, he was not better than you, he did not win her. She left you for a fantasy, she will find out that it is no better than it was with you, though this may take time and she may never admit it. 

Human romance is more than physical, it's not just like it is with other animals - you do know that, right? No animal's sexuality is affected more by emotions and mental connections than humans.

Don't you think it says more about her than you that she decided to break her vows and cheat on you. She could have divorced you if she was unhappy with you, then looked for love elsewhere. That was not the case. And why will her relationship with other man be any different than her relationship with you?


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> Your weren't rejected, your STBXW released you so you can go find someone better.
> 
> STBXW and AP will reap what they sowed.



I will keep this in mind when times get tough. 

Interestingly, my STBXW said this of her first husband. That she "freed" him and he went on to do things he wanted to in his life. But she hasn't spoken to him since she cut his heart out, so she's only guessing he's happy (he's remarried). I think she has no clue about the pain he went through. And the fact that she says SHE freed him? :scratchhead: Hello weird sense of control.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> No, I don't think they can ever be completely satisfied unless they were leaving a really bad situation. That wasn't the case for me and from what I can tell it wasn't the case for you, either.
> 
> I think she probably feels she made the right decision for herself, but that the reality is difficult e.g. child custody.
> 
> Are you "over" her?


No, I am not over her. But I am at a point where I can see that the wife I am longing for was gone long before we separated. The woman I call my STBXW, is not a woman I would pursue. That's the honest truth. I miss my wife, I do not miss my STBXW. Hope that makes sense.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Thanks guys, I hear you but how do deal with the very basic truth that she became more satisfied with someone else? That you essentially were "unfit" as a husband and a lover?
> 
> Forget the vows, we're just animals on some level and some other male human won her over.
> 
> I've stopped feeling the victim, but I do feel the reject. Is this something that tends to go away over time or when something good happens e.g. I meet another woman?


In order to be a successful cheater, most cheaters (unless there are significant psychological or neurological factors) have to be able to lie.

The first lies they tell are to themselves: "Faithful spouse will not be hurt by this, because they will not know. In fact, as the affair continues, it will improve the marriage for them as I'll be a better, more responsive lover, and more relaxed with them."

Or they lie to themselves and tell themselves it is all the fault of their faithful spouse. They are almost certainly cheating too, they never respected me, etc., etc., etc.

The next lies are the ones they tell husband or wife where they are, tell their children why they missed a school play or sports even, presentation evening, parent-teacher meeting, etc.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Married life becomes routine. Life with you is known. Other man is fantasy. Life with him at this point knows no bounds of how good and magical it can be. The truth is, that life with him will become routine. Life with him will become known. She will then look for another man to fulfill her. Maybe, just maybe, she will realize that this is the natural progression.


She concedes she's abnormal in this respect. After D-Day she said to me maybe he's just one "man of her life" and there could be more. That could've been the fog talking, though. She won't say to me that he's her soulmate though she thinks she is his. (NPD anyone?) 



Will_Kane said:


> Human romance is more than physical, it's not just like it is with other animals - you do know that, right? No animal's sexuality is affected more by emotions and mental connections than humans.


Agreed. However, books like MMSL woke me up to see how fragile a marriage can become due to biological drives which aren't fully understood by the humans who possess them. An affair which started as an attraction can lead to those "in love" feelings and then --whammo-- I'm just another casualty on TAM. 



Will_Kane said:


> Don't you think it says more about her than you that she decided to break her vows and cheat on you.


Maybe it says more about our vows. Or lack there of. We did not have a religious ceremony (she'd had a big wedding her first time around) and did not exchange vows. Our marriage was bit hurried due to immigrations laws (me in her country). We did talk about how we both wanted to live our lives together, though. There was a real commitment. 



Will_Kane said:


> And why will her relationship with other man be any different than her relationship with you?


They share her life's passion: music. We had a musical connection but not like this. He's a professional, she's an aspiring talent. Honestly, I think the music is a big reason she's with him. But maybe when a better connected musician comes a long a few years later, then she may say "see ya".


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> In order to be a successful cheater, most cheaters (unless there are significant psychological or neurological factors) have to be able to lie.
> 
> The first lies they tell are to themselves: "Faithful spouse will not be hurt by this, because they will not know. In fact, as the affair continues, it will improve the marriage for them as I'll be a better, more responsive lover, and more relaxed with them."
> 
> ...


So true
So true 
So true

She lied very well, but I know a lot of the signs now and I will use that knowledge as we proceed through divorce. 

And don't forget.. they lie to the OM so the OM feels as though he is saving the damsel in distress.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> No, I am not over her. But I am at a point where I can see that the wife I am longing for was gone long before we separated. The woman I call my STBXW, is not a woman I would pursue. That's the honest truth. I miss my wife, I do not miss my STBXW. Hope that makes sense.


It does make sense. 

It's a very strange feeling, and I have it at times.

I guess in your case you don't feel rejected anymore. Because you don't want what's there. You just want what you used to have, and SHE rejected what you used to have. Her loss.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> It does make sense.
> 
> It's a very strange feeling, and I have it at times.
> 
> I guess in your case you don't feel rejected anymore. Because you don't want what's there. You just want what you used to have, and SHE rejected what you used to have. Her loss.


The weird thing is I never felt rejected in the sense of thinking I was worthless or wondering if the POSOM was "better" than me. I felt rejected in the sense of not understanding why. Now I know that the "why" part is because my wife has a character problem - actually several problems, including a very poor self image and an incredibly selfish outlook to life. I also recognize that I did play a role in the sense of getting our marriage to a point where we were losing our connection - I share the blame for that. I took our marriage for granted and didn't stoke the fires enough. After kids, I became a Dad and forgot that my wife needed more constant romance from her husband. Being a Mom and Dad with two great kids wasn't nearly enough for my wife. The sex was still good, but the romance was missing. We needed more couple's time. So I screwed up there. But after that, it was totally my wife's decision to cheat and lie.... repeatedly. She still hasn't ever come clean.

I loved my wife, but I don't really like my STBXW.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> The weird thing is I never felt rejected in the sense of thinking I was worthless or wondering if the POSOM was "better" than me. I felt rejected in the sense of not understanding why. Now I know that the "why" part is because my wife has a character problem - actually several problems, including a very poor self image and an incredibly selfish outlook to life. I also recognize that I did play a role in the sense of getting our marriage to a point where we were losing our connection - I share the blame for that. I took our marriage for granted and didn't stoke the fires enough. After kids, I became a Dad and forgot that my wife needed more constant romance from her husband. Being a Mom and Dad with two great kids wasn't nearly enough for my wife. The sex was still good, but the romance was missing. We needed more couple's time. So I screwed up there. But after that, it was totally my wife's decision to cheat and lie.... repeatedly. She still hasn't ever come clean.
> 
> I loved my wife, but I don't really like my STBXW.



Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. I could have written that exact same paragraph.

No, I'm just insecure because I feel she is experimenting a lot with him and maybe doing things we didn't do or didn't do that frequently. I don't want her to ever think it's better with him than it ever was with me. Male pride mixed with regrets.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

staystrong said:


> Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth. I could have written that exact same paragraph.
> 
> No, I'm just insecure because I feel she is experimenting a lot with him and maybe doing things we didn't do or didn't do that frequently. I don't want her to ever think it's better with him than it ever was with me. Male pride mixed with regrets.


THERE YOU GO AGAIN MAN!!!!! 
STOP GOING DOWN THE DAMB ROAD!!!!!
WHAT THE PHUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM??????

Ok I'm settled down...please sir stop bringing up the STBXW and OM doing the nasty. Not only is it unhealthy to think about and must be forced out of your head with a montra ("I diserve good things"), but its even more unhealthy to bring it up time and again here.

I hope you understand this....I have been there brother so please listen to me, it will only hold you back from getting another chick when you are ready.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I deserve good things

I deserve good things

I deserve good things

I deserve good things

I deserve good things

I deserve good things


----------

