# Just discovered husband viewing porn...



## blindfaith (Mar 29, 2010)

I dont know if this is the right board to post on, so please direct me if its not. Im floored with disbelief. My husband has a low sex drive, a self reported one and he and I rarely have sex. When we do its incredible, and adventurous. I would be more than willing more often than we currently have sex, to satisfy his needs, but didnt know he had needs between our "sessions" as he never approached me more often and said he doesnt want it that often. So why then, is he viewing porn? He says he is attracted to me... so I have not brought this up with him yet, I found it on his computer when looking for something I had been reviewing in history. I wish I hadnt been looking for my site, as I wouldnt have happened across his. Im shocked. What should I do?


----------



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Most men watch porn. There is a problem today however with the amount of time and how easy it is to communcate with other people. It can become a nasty habit that does little for your marriage. He may be masturbating to the porn and if this is the case sometimes when it gets bad some men desire the computer over their wifes. It is a true addiction.
It becomes a problem when it leads to talking and searching out other woman or the masturbation takes over the relationship with you. Talk to him in a none confrontational way. Try to see what he is feeling and needing.


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I watch porn all the time but only because I only get about 10% of the sex I want from my wife. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with porn or self induced sexual experiences ONLY if the other person isn't being deprived of sex or willing to fill that need (or be filled ). If you are willing or wanting more sex and he's not coming to you at all for it then that's a bit of an issue IMO. If he feels like he would be rejected or you wouldn't provide what he wants sexually then he may be justified in viewing it. 

There are a lot of questions you need to ask him and yourself. Did you actually talk to him about it yet? I mean do you know if it was just a single page in your Internet history or did you find a load of video files on your computer? 

You need to talk to him first and find out what needs he has and hopefully you're willing to take care of that. I think if you are willing to take care of the needs he has then he shouldn't be looking at porn. But it may just be a matter of finding out what he wants/needs and address that.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Most men look at porn from time to time for a lot of different reasons, even if they are happy with their wives and their sex lives.

The best thing to do is talk to him about it. Maybe you can turn it into a positive by reinforcing that you are more "available" than he realizes.


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Did you scan through the porn to see if it's on a particular theme? If he's into whipped cream or something, and you guys don't do that, maybe he's just nervous about mentioning it to you because he's afraid you'll think him weird. So if it's on a particular theme, and it's something you'd be willing to do, maybe you could suggest it and see what he says.

If you're really upset about it, I don't know any way to get him to stop. But if you don't care about the porn so much as you'd like to have more sex, maybe you could just tell him that you've heard a lot about Internet porn, and people saying all men look at porn, and that you don't mind if he looks at porn. Ask him to show you some Internet porn, because you feel like being naughty. When he gets some on the screen, if you like it, say "That looks like fun. Can we do that? Can we do that _tonight?_"

If the porn doesn't put you off, but it does get his motor running, it seems like you might use it to get yourself a more sex, and maybe in more varieties.


----------



## blindfaith (Mar 29, 2010)

Thank you for your responses, guess Im in the right place! The porn doesnt put me off per se, I was just surprised. I mean why would he look between our love making and stretch out that time between our love making if he obviously wanted something more? Maybe he IS looking at something we dont do, like you say. I guess, since he doesnt know I found anything, is to ask him if he wanted to try something new... his choice? At least that is what I am gathering your advice to mean. I guess I need to think about how it would change things and if I would be more open to new and potentially more sex.

Thanks!


----------



## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

We had someone here recently run into the problem that her husband wanted something but apparently wouldn't come out and say it for fear of being judged. So you might have to review in your head what he was looking at and suggest it yourself.


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

This site is great for this issue. I havent been on here long, but there are SO many other women who feel the same way about the porn (i did too at one point, part of what brought me here)-
Just open up about it, but make sure its a conversation, not a confrontation....


----------



## blindfaith (Mar 29, 2010)

Yes, I will try to find out what type he is looking at, great idea. I hope Im game for whatever it is he IS looking at! The site was something called livejasmin.com and it appears to be a site where you actually pay to interact with the ladies there... does anyone know about it? Does that me he is conversing with/somewhat directing another lady or simply paying to watch what she does live? Thanks.


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Ive heard of that site- i have never gone to it before though (seen it on browser history on a public comp at work lmao) but ya- have you tried clicking on it and actually GOING to the site, just to kinda see what its all about...... 
I personally wouldnt worry about it too much, but if u feel you need to have a conversation about it, then just try to be as understanding as possible and dont get angry for him being honest, or you can gaurentee he will start watching and lying about it (mine did for some time)


----------



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

The porn site you mention is a pop up to other sites. If he clicked on something just out of curious that site has been known to be a pop up. 

Be very careful how you approach him about him looking at porn sites. You might offer to view it with him. See what he likes and why. Porn can be used a a tool to enhance a marriage. Porn is not evil it like alcohol over use is bad.


----------



## moonshadegold (May 13, 2011)

First and for most he is being a dumb ass no offense. Porn sites = computer viruses snort. YIKES! Secondly, does he even have a freakin firewall?? And thirdly, marriage takes two if he can't be freakin honest then that is a major problem. Its not on your shoulders alone that this problem exists. And as for porn I happen to be Christian...so its a no go in my book! 

But then of course if your not Christian then I guess its really up to your discretion. As for his needs...well he has to speak up to be heard. I would approach him when both of you are calm and explain your concern.

If he's a smart guy he'll listen and be willing to communicate his needs. Communication is the key here! He's not communicating so that's a negative in the book of relationships! You gotta speak up to be heard that includes not just you but him too!!!

And as for viewing other random people doing it or whatever...I personally find it disgusting and it is certainly not appealing or exciting. Maybe I'm just an odd ball who knows?? lol But I mean why not make your own couple porn that way he could get excited about it?? That is a major turn on and its not as upsetting to you or disrespectful either! AND it would be okay in my view considering your married!

Just really be careful not to leave the cds lying out or near your kids if you got some...that would be a horror sotry if a friend or child discovered the cd lol.

Oh lest I forget, there are stuff for low sex drives...ever experimented with some kinky stuff?? > oww try some Magic Shell chocolate syrup for fun...hehe or getting a really naughty lingerie. You could just throw it on one day and wait for him in the bedroom. Oh oh heh all I gotta say is fun with rope, but no choking! I mean I don't know what you've tried for those off times but hey I'm sure you can come up with some very creative ideas for those off times!

Well that's just my advice/opinion. I'm sure some schmuck could disagree on some points but really that's my realistic approach to this. I hope things are better. I noticed this is an older post so I have no idea if the situation changed by now lol.

Really shame on him for exposing your computer to viruses! Does he even have a back up hard drive for your work/pictures/files? sigh...

-Moon


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I see that this is an old post. 

Personally, I think that the happiest married men look at porn of some kind or another. Some will dissagree and there is certainly allot of people who have been hurt by H's addictions just like booze, drugs, food etc. 

I would love for my wife to be more into it as i think it ads a new "tool" for creating arousal like a vibrator, lubricant or any sex toy. 

Did the OP have any success in gettig her H to open up about it. 
Were you able to leverabe it to get more?


----------



## PeteK (Jun 15, 2011)

Yes, most men watch porn. No surprises there.

It actually spiced up our sex life when we began to watch porn together from time to time. My wife even initiated it and she enjoys it. It's a bit naughty 

Try it, why not?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

PeteK said:


> It actually spiced up our sex life when we began to watch porn together from time to time. My wife even initiated it and she enjoys it. It's a bit naughty


True for us as well. I think had we watched more naughty stuff but softer (I still hate hard core) when we were younger, we may not have been so ''repressed" sexually. We would have tried more.


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

I discovered husband viewing porn on computer recently and intially i was shocked that my husband would do this knowing the type of man he was, then i was turned on by it and increased my appetite for him. Knowing that he needed to be more sexual i have started to intitiate sex more and make it more exciting. But even after me doing this, i still found him viewing porn the morning after we have just had what i considered good sex. I have become hurt and have not approached him with the fact that i know that he is viewing porn. I am do not want to embarrass him because i dont think it is unnatural but didnt expect him to be doing this. We have been married for 22 years. I think our sex life has gotten better with age and i am always willing to participate and i am very attracted to my husband. How do I approach him because i am shy with this stuff and dont want to offend him but i am feeling hurt


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

blindfaith said:


> I would be more than willing more often than we currently have sex, to satisfy his needs, but didnt know he had needs between our "sessions" as he never approached me more often and said he doesnt want it that often. So why then, is he viewing porn?


Perhaps because you think of sex with him as "satisfying his needs"

I`m certain I`d prefer porn to sex with a woman who felt like that.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Perhaps because you think of sex with him as "satisfying his needs"
> 
> I`m certain I`d prefer porn to sex with a woman who felt like that.


What do you mean by this? Some women do things sexually that aren't remotely satisfying to them but great for their husband. 
This is an old post but she was pretty open about expanding things in the bedroom and instead you toss her some snide comment? :scratchhead:


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What do you mean by this? Some women do things sexually that aren't remotely satisfying to them but great for their husband.
> This is an old post but she was pretty open about expanding things in the bedroom and instead you toss her some snide comment? :scratchhead:


Not a snide comment at all.

I would`t want sex with a wife who thought of sex with me as "satisfying my needs".

I want a woman who wants and enjoys being with me for the pure pleasure of it.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't think she meant it like it was a chore. I read that as she wants to please him and make him happy sexually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Not a snide comment at all.
> 
> I would`t want sex with a wife who thought of sex with me as "satisfying my needs".
> 
> I want a woman who wants and enjoys being with me for the pure pleasure of it.


Okay, I understand better now. What if she IS doing things though to satisfy his needs that aren't say her needs? I can think of a few things that some women do that aren't pleasurable for them but solely for their husband. She was afterall talking about porn and some things there aren't exactly standard fare shall we say. What if she doesn't get pleasure out of certain acts but does it anyways, wouldn't it be a fair statement then to say "to satisfy his needs"?


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> I discovered husband viewing porn on computer recently and intially i was shocked that my husband would do this knowing the type of man he was, then i was turned on by it and increased my appetite for him. Knowing that he needed to be more sexual i have started to intitiate sex more and make it more exciting. But even after me doing this, i still found him viewing porn the morning after we have just had what i considered good sex. I have become hurt and have not approached him with the fact that i know that he is viewing porn. I am do not want to embarrass him because i dont think it is unnatural but didnt expect him to be doing this. We have been married for 22 years. I think our sex life has gotten better with age and i am always willing to participate and i am very attracted to my husband. How do I approach him because i am shy with this stuff and dont want to offend him but i am feeling hurt


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

No one has a reply to my post
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

gmabcd, I continue to read food magazines even though I get enough food. If my wife did the cooking, should she be angry at me?

What's the EXACT reason that you feel hurt?



gmabcd said:


> I discovered husband viewing porn on computer recently and intially i was shocked that my husband would do this knowing the type of man he was, then i was turned on by it and increased my appetite for him. Knowing that he needed to be more sexual i have started to intitiate sex more and make it more exciting. But even after me doing this, i still found him viewing porn the morning after we have just had what i considered good sex. I have become hurt and have not approached him with the fact that i know that he is viewing porn. I am do not want to embarrass him because i dont think it is unnatural but didnt expect him to be doing this. We have been married for 22 years. I think our sex life has gotten better with age and i am always willing to participate and i am very attracted to my husband. How do I approach him because i am shy with this stuff and dont want to offend him but i am feeling hurt


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Kevan said:


> gmabcd, I continue to read food magazines even though I get enough food. If my wife did the cooking, should she be angry at me?
> 
> What's the EXACT reason that you feel hurt?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't understand your analogy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Don't understand your analogy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Kevan, now I understand analogy. I was hurt because maybe he was not satisfied the night before when I clearly was. And why doesn't he come to me when he has the urge. When recently I told him my sexual appetite has increased. And that he should wake me up whenever!!!! And I guess I was surprised he did this because if you knew him I never knew him to be this super sexual guy even though when we have sex it is always good. And he has told me so
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Okay, I understand better now. What if she IS doing things though to satisfy his needs that aren't say her needs? I can think of a few things that some women do that aren't pleasurable for them but solely for their husband. She was afterall talking about porn and some things there aren't exactly standard fare shall we say. What if she doesn't get pleasure out of certain acts but does it anyways, wouldn't it be a fair statement then to say "to satisfy his needs"?


Well, this is a difficult thing for me as I simply cannot enjoy a sexual act if my wife isn`t enjoying it as well.

The one time my wife told me "She always tries to please me" I refused sex with her until we could straighten out "the problem".

She didn`t see it as a problem but the idea that she would have sex just to "Please me" instead of "because she wants to" was a killer to my ego.

I mentally/emotionally/physically was unable to have sex with her with this thought in my head.

It actually led to ED problems for me which didn`t subside until I was able to make her understand how her idea of doing things to please me made for really bad if not impossible sex for me.

I still occasionally have ED problems since that time and I`m pretty sure it`s due to mental remnants from her statement.

Who wants their spouse to think of sex as a chore?

This very well may not be the OP`s problem but I put it out there as an option to explore.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Well, this is a difficult thing for me as I simply cannot enjoy a sexual act if my wife isn`t enjoying it as well.
> 
> The one time my wife told me "She always tries to please me" I refused sex with her until we could straighten out "the problem".
> 
> ...


What's wrong with your wife wanting to please you? What am I not understanding here? Did she say she ONLY has sex with you because you want it? That's a different story for sure.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> What's wrong with your wife wanting to please you? What am I not understanding here? Did she say she ONLY has sex with you because you want it? That's a different story for sure.



Not exactly...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25085-dodged-bullet.html


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

gmabcd said:


> Kevan, now I understand analogy. I was hurt because maybe he was not satisfied the night before when I clearly was. And why doesn't he come to me when he has the urge. When recently I told him my sexual appetite has increased. And that he should wake me up whenever!!!! And I guess I was surprised he did this because if you knew him I never knew him to be this super sexual guy even though when we have sex it is always good. And he has told me so
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is very telling a comment.

So basically you have been oblivious to his higher interest in sex than yourself UNTIL yours changed to wanting more sex.

And since yours fluctuates a lot more than his libido he likely arrives at a solo solution that he still relies on despite your statements to him.

Your perception of "enough" or satisfying" intimacy levels likely do not match his perceptions and he has arrived at an awareness that he cannot share such things with you--based on the longer term of your relationship than a recent change in desire.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Not exactly...
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/25085-dodged-bullet.html


Oh wow! I am so sorry. Can I ask you though, is it possible that hormones or resentment made her view sex as a "chore"? I am in no way excusing her behavior and being a hd woman, I don't understand many women but reading here so many women loose their drive for their husband because they feel taken for granted or rather "not wooed". Like it's more of a "wanna?" vs. "You take my breathe away and I cannot wait to tear your clothes off" kind of thing.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh wow! I am so sorry. Can I ask you though, is it possible that hormones or resentment made her view sex as a "chore"? I am in no way excusing her behavior and being a hd woman, I don't understand many women but reading here so many women loose their drive for their husband because they feel taken for granted or rather "not wooed". Like it's more of a "wanna?" vs. "You take my breathe away and I cannot wait to tear your clothes off" kind of thing.


I think it`s hormonal, she`s been going through some health problems, two surgeries on the past year (Uterine oblation & hysterectomy) and at least 4 doctors who can`t find a damn thing wrong with her.

I also found a hormone inhibiting drug they were giving her for pain (??) that she didn`t tell me about .

Since we`ve fixed the drug problem and gotten her some good pain meds our sex life is very good now although she`s still searching for the root cause of her pain problems.

I just so often see women disregard the possibility that their man isn`t getting the emotional connection he needs because popular culture states that men are happy just as long as they are "getting some" regardless of any emotional need that might be being ignored or unmet.


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> This is very telling a comment.
> Wow, I guess that makes a little sense michzz. But we are very close and if he ever wanted more sex I would never turn him down. I was never like that. He was never very aggressive either but it is always good when we are together. Why couldn't he just ask me that he wants more sex. I think it is because he would rather watch porn, less effort sometimes. Is this not true?
> So basically you have been oblivious to his higher interest in sex than yourself UNTIL yours changed to wanting more sex.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As you may have read elsewhere in this forum, merely not getting turned down is hardly erotic. If a man never perceives assertive interest in him it can finally get him to avoid interaction.



gmabcd said:


> Wow, I guess that makes a little sense michzz. But we are very close and if he ever wanted more sex I would never turn him down. I was never like that. He was never very aggressive either but it is always good when we are together. Why couldn't he just ask me that he wants more sex. I think it is because he would rather watch porn, less effort sometimes. Is this not true?


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> As you may have read elsewhere in this forum, merely not getting turned down is hardly erotic. If a man never perceives assertive interest in him it can finally get him to avoid interaction.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Michzz I think you are wrong, you know if your spoae after 22 years is a sexual person or not, please if he was all crazy with sex all the time I would have been too. I love my susband and want things to be great for both of us. We have been through too much!!! I really don't get it sometimes. But I know he loves me and he knows he is thw only man for me. But life is full of learning anf diacovery. And maybe it tool me just a bit longer to discover my sexual self and him As well. Are you a pschologist?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

No, I am not. 

I just toss out possible differences from your own perceptions that seem likely to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

michzz said:


> As you may have read elsewhere in this forum, merely not getting turned down is hardly erotic. If a man never perceives assertive interest in him it can finally get him to avoid interaction.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Michzz, I think you are so correct insaying that it is up to me as well to show interest as well not just him. I approached my husband last night to let him know that I knew he was viewing porn . Told him calmly not upset but I quess a little hurt. He admitted to saying he did it recently once in a while. And we discussed how being together so long it is important to keep things fresh and exciting. And I totally agree. I told him I had to tell him I knew because I felt we were always sooo close and nevEr kept anything from eachother! And I would feel like I was keeping a secret from if I didn't disclose. We had the best talk. You know it is not easy after 22 years to always keep exciting but we agreed we both have to communicate our needs and desires better! So glad we had this talk. Of course the talk ended up with great sex!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

My wife *use to be* turned on by Hentai. But not anymore (nothing seems to turn her on a days), we use to watch it together as a wonderful stimulant. 

I say try to watch some porn with him. And do that "what thye do we will do trick". Back when I was single my girlfriends always loved playing that game.

As far as confronting him, I say use the porn as a tool to increase your sex drive. Don't beat him over the head with it, use it as a tool for him to service you more :smthumbup: So that way he'll associate the watching of porn with wanting to do you.

Now it *can be* a problem if he refuses to watch it with you and prefers the women on the screen (and the things they do). 

Maybe the two of you can make your own porn movies and he can watch that instead.


----------



## Cant_believe_you (Sep 14, 2011)

i seriously think my husband is addicted. and it really hurts me because i do everything and anything he asks and i feel like im still not enough i just dont know what else to do


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Cant_
believe_you;423855 said:


> i seriously think my husband is addicted. and it really hurts me because i do everything and anything he asks and i feel like im still not enough i just dont know what else to do


I know how you feel, I just recently confronted my husband in a kind and gentle way telling him at first I was shocked, which I was and then turned on to know he was more sexual than I thought. It changed my thought about my life with him and my past inhibitions and told him I wanted a more sexual marraige. To explore more because we have such a great marraige! Told him I was hurt that he couldn't come to me to express things and that by him viewing porn he may desire me less. He told me his desire for me has never changed!! But I do believe it could take away from our frequency of sex.trying to work it out! But he does feel bad about hurting me. Don't know if he will stop. He now figured how to delete his history so I won't really know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NY Husband In Hell (Sep 15, 2011)

Guys watch porn the way women watch the food and house renovation shows. 

Why worry unless he is asking you to do the stuff in the porn?


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

NY Husband In Hell said:


> Guys watch porn the way women watch the food and house renovation shows.
> 
> Why worry unless he is asking you to do the stuff in the porn?


 I ONLY WISH. Ha ha why are you a NY husband in hell??
?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> I ONLY WISH. Ha ha why are you a NY husband in hell??
> ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh and I don't watch those BS shows!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Kevan, now I understand analogy. I was hurt because maybe he was not satisfied the night before when I clearly was. And why doesn't he come to me when he has the urge. When recently I told him my sexual appetite has increased. And that he should wake me up whenever!!!! And I guess I was surprised he did this because if you knew him I never knew him to be this super sexual guy even though when we have sex it is always good. And he has told me so
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me lay this out for you, in a way you might understand. It won't help you understand MEN -- only a few women have the intuitive ability to grasp how our minds work, and they're pretty easy to spot -- but it might help you understand the relationship between MEN and PORN.

Among the many diverse factors feeding into a man's sexual identity is the issue of NOVELTY. Now, when a man gets married and commits to a woman, he pretty much gives up the expectation of novelty in his active sex life. After all, he's resigned himself to one woman, one vagina, one sexual routine with little, if any, variation for the rest of his natural life. 

Yet the craving for sexual NOVELTY doesn't abate, any more than the craving for intimacy abates in a woman after marriage. Now, for some men this can manifest as a need to go out and cheat, because actual novelty is the only thing that will sate that buzz; but far, far more men -- good and faithful husbands -- will use porn to satisfy their desire for novelty even when their standard sexual needs are being met. 

In other words, even Charlie Sheen whacks off to porn . . . and he has pornstars at his beck and call.

It's not a deficit in your relationship, a result of the lack of your abilities in the bedroom (well, probably not), or an attack on your sexuality, and if you perceive it that way then you do the man a disservice. Instead view it for what it is: a natural expression of male sexuality, and a vital one, at that. 

Try to consider it this way: even the cast of a hit Broadway performance still needs to practice every now and then. Masturbation and porn allow men the mental headspace and emotional, judgement-free outlet to explore their sexuality without endangering the sanctity of their relationship. You shouldn't be any more hurt by the act than he should if you were, say, addicted to romance novels, vampire novels, or soap operas.

Does that help?


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Wow Ianironwood, and you dont think that women have that desire for novelty as well??? You would be kidding me to think otherwise. If he wants novelty then communicate this with you significant other or spouse and hopefully they will be thrilled. I know I am at a point in my life that says "bring it on". Many women want novelty as well but they want this with their spouse! I could very well spend my days looking at porn to satisfy my needs but I prefer to wait for my husband not replace it with a video!!!


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

gmabcd said:


> Wow Ianironwood, and you dont think that women have that desire for novelty as well??? You would be kidding me to think otherwise. If he wants novelty then communicate this with you significant other or spouse and hopefully they will be thrilled. I know I am at a point in my life that says "bring it on". Many women want novelty as well but they want this with their spouse! I could very well spend my days looking at porn to satisfy my needs but I prefer to wait for my husband not replace it with a video!!!


I wouldn't deign to speak to the needs of women. I'm not one, so while I do understand that everyone needs novelty, I'm also perplexed over the vast majority of women who, after agreeing to that, freak the frack out when Hubby tries something new in the bedroom.

And the sad fact is that most men don't understand enough about their own sexuality to verbalize a need for "novelty", and instead focus on a specific fantasy (such as threesomes) in the hope that his burning need will become expressed through this particular fantasy. So he probably can't articulate "I need novelty to be happy", and has become fixated on this instead.

Certainly, women need novelty. But to most women (note qualifier), "novelty" in the bedroom means a different position or a new negligee. To most men, "novelty" means a strap-on or a threesome. See? Two very different sexualities at play here. 

Now, maybe for women videos are a "replacement" for a sexual relationship, but I know thousands of men for whom porn plays a role in their PERSONAL sexuality and serves to inform their MUTUAL sexuality with their partner. It is a common female misconception about male sexuality to see their man watching porn and instead of having sex with you and conclude that you somehow don't "fulfill" him. That's BS (in most cases). Guys view porn as a part of the natural expression of male sexuality, not as a replacement for a relationship. 

But darned if the porn doesn't come in handy when your woman "just doesn't feel like it" for 6 weeks straight.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> I wouldn't deign to speak to the needs of women. I'm not one, so while I do understand that everyone needs novelty, I'm also perplexed over the vast majority of women who, after agreeing to that, freak the frack out when Hubby tries something new in the bedroom.
> 
> And the sad fact is that most men don't understand enough about their own sexuality to verbalize a need for "novelty", and instead focus on a specific fantasy (such as threesomes) in the hope that his burning need will become expressed through this particular fantasy. So he probably can't articulate "I need novelty to be happy", and has become fixated on this instead.
> 
> ...


The sh!t stirrer extraordinaire is back I see. 
This ought to get interesting REAL fast.
Ceiling cat better stand en guard and ninja cat better be ready to pounce with stealth like precision.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The sh!t stirrer extraordinaire is back I see.
> This ought to get interesting REAL fast.
> Ceiling cat better stand en guard and ninja cat better be ready to pounce with stealth like precision.


I don't think I've ever been censored for my opinions, which tend to be politely given, if strongly worded. 

And I'm sorry if offering an honest male perspective is viewed as "sh!t stirring". Not like it hasn't happened before.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> IGuys view porn as a part of the natural expression of male sexuality, not as a replacement for a relationship.


Many of the problems, though, that seem to crop up on the forum tend to deal more with men who ARE viewing it as a replacement or who require their wives to do novelty bits from porn-fueled fantasies without taking their wive's feelings in to consideration. Seems to be very easy for many to allow it to consume them more than it should.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

IanIronwood said:


> I don't think I've ever been censored for my opinions, which tend to be politely given, if strongly worded.
> 
> And I'm sorry if offering an honest male perspective is viewed as "sh!t stirring". Not like it hasn't happened before.


You misunderstood me. I wasn't saying that you get censored or nasty but others sure do, hence the "sh!t stirring comment.
Remember that one porn thread that was something like 39 pages and finally locked? That's what I am talking about.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You misunderstood me. I wasn't saying that you get censored or nasty but others sure do, hence the "sh!t stirring comment.
> Remember that one porn thread that was something like 39 pages and finally locked? That's what I am talking about.


Hey, I'm just that good.


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

Ianwood, A novelty for me or my husband would never be a threesome because in my opinion you are then going down another road which I never want to explore. I believe marriage should never go down that road because there will be problems!!! and I have never gone three weeks without sex. unless maybe there was something stressful or sickness wise ocuring.


----------



## gmabcd (Sep 9, 2011)

and the porn that he was viewing never involved threesomes.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Sometimes I wonder if people don't realize that some women like porn. Those of us with high sex drives tend to enjoy it. 

Porn can be used to enhance married sex. As long as the partners are still enjoying frequent sex with each other, I think it's fine.

In this case, the husband is not making love to his wife, yet watching porn. This is not the same as a normal dude watching porn, yet still having a great sex life with his wife.

Meh, my husband does not watch porn when we do not watch it together and he rarely masturbates. He says I wear him out.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

blindfaith said:


> I dont know if this is the right board to post on, so please direct me if its not. Im floored with disbelief. My husband has a low sex drive, a self reported one and he and I rarely have sex. When we do its incredible, and adventurous. I would be more than willing more often than we currently have sex, to satisfy his needs, but didnt know he had needs between our "sessions" as he never approached me more often and said he doesnt want it that often. So why then, is he viewing porn? He says he is attracted to me... so I have not brought this up with him yet, I found it on his computer when looking for something I had been reviewing in history. I wish I hadnt been looking for my site, as I wouldnt have happened across his. Im shocked. What should I do?


Please visit Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships

I had the same issue with my husband (then boyfriend)...porn isn't as harmless as many men (and women) seem to think. I believe it's a slippery slope to eventual cheating. Porn is an addiction, and what happens with addictions? Eventually, the addict will require more and more and more...well, you see where I'm going with this. Good luck.

PS - I bought the book by Marnia (see website), and it is an amazing tool. Lots of great tips for really connecting with a mate. Love it.


----------

