# Husband Saying Divorce & His Mind is Made Up



## hitsme (Apr 23, 2014)

Hello,

I am having an incredibly difficult time understanding how my marriage has fallen apart in the span of two months and I need somewhere to vent and get some type of emotional support from neutral parties. Beware, it's long..

My husband and I have been great friends since high school and there was always a connection between us, though we were young then and never acted on it. About 6 years ago, we rekindled our friendship and started a relationship. We quickly moved in together, he proposed and we married within a few months. About a year ago we bought our first home together and a puppy. Two months ago we talked about having kids and wanted to try.

About 5 months ago, my husband took a huge pay cut and started a new job with a start-up company. This job includes working an excess of 60 hours per week and due to his schedule, we have lacked quality time together. The few times we went out or took trips together, things were great but the nights he would come home late and be so stressed out that we would just argue constantly. He has also been trying to quit smoking (going on a month and a half now) which clearly adds to his stress.

About two months ago, my husband started saying that he wasn't happy and he began withdrawing from me. He began increasing contact with his female boss (who is about our age) via text after work hours. I saw some of the text messages on his phone and he accused me of spying and insisted that he was not having an affair.

One night, he decided to leave and stay at his mothers. That night, he came home three times to check on me and then returned home for good the next evening. At this time, he cried and told me he didn't understand why he couldn't be happy and that he felt like a terrible person and wanted to be a better person; these are things I've never heard him say. We continued to talk and he expressed that he wanted to sell the house and move away, start somewhere new and I was ready to do that to save our marriage.

The next two weeks were great, we had good sex and had it often and then one morning we got into an argument over the silliest thing and he started talking about divorce and not being happy and stated that he didn't love me the way that he should. Since then, he has moved out and continues to tell me that we have had a great friendship but that we were never in love.

Needless to say, this is devastating to hear and I am completely confused and don't understand how everything could change in two months time. We had previously scheduled an appointment for counseling but now he refuses to come and doesn't even have the decency to sit down with me and listen to my feelings or to even come just to help me understand. Each time I try to initiate a discussion, he simply says that "we need to decide what we are going to do with everything."

It's as if he is a completely different person who has shut down inside and turned off all of his emotions. Is it even possible to have loved someone and then to just suddenly stop loving them? On Sunday, he pulled in the driveway and stood on the porch for 5 full minutes without coming in the house; then he got in his car and drove away. Some part of me thinks he may be going through some depression or an emotional crisis of sorts. I wish I could be there for him but he hasn't spoken a kind word to me in a week and a half. I am comprehending that it may be time to move on but I am just so lost and confused by all of it.

Thanks, all, for taking the time to ready my long sob story.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hitsme said:


> *About two months ago*, my husband started saying that he wasn't happy and *he began withdrawing from me. He began increasing contact with his female boss* (who is about our age) via text after work hours. I saw some of the text messages on his phone and *he accused me of spying and insisted that he was not having an affair.*
> 
> Needless to say, this is devastating to hear and *I am completely confused and don't understand how everything could change in two months time.*


You don't understand? Follow the timeline, dear. it sounds like he IS having an affair with the boss, which is causing him to withdraw and want out of the marriage. It's actually pretty standard/classic of affairs.



hitsme said:


> We had previously scheduled an appointment for counseling but now he refuses to come and doesn't even have the decency to sit down with me and listen to my feelings or to even come just to help me understand. Each time I try to initiate a discussion, he simply says that "we need to decide what we are going to do with everything."


Let him go.

I know you don't want to, cause you are trying to make sense of this but it's pretty likely he is having an affair. Even if he isn't, you clnging to him is going to make him run away even faster. Promise.

So he wants out and doesn't want to explain and refuses counselling? Tell him his wish is your command. it takes two to make a marriage work. He is acting like he wants nothing to do with you so please, save your dignity and do not chase after man who is running away from you.

It hurts and will hurt for a long time, but you are better off than being with someone who can't even have a decent conversation with you and respect you enough to tell you what is going on. You deserve to be with someone who WANTS to be with you.

Do not be a doormat. It will have the opposite effect of what you want. I would tell him point blank "If you want out, then go. Because marriage is a partnership and we both deserve better than one person walking away."


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## hitsme (Apr 23, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> You don't understand? Follow the timeline, dear. it sounds like he IS having an affair with the boss, which is causing him to withdraw and want out of the marriage. It's actually pretty standard/classic of affairs.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your response. Today, I told him almost exactly what you said. I have realized that I have been acting like his doormat. 

I said, "if you want out, then go file." His response was to ask me if we could work something out this weekend. Although I likely won't get the real truth when we do speak, at least I can begin the process of moving on.

Thank you, again, for your response.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your story unfortunately has fling with female boss written all over it and I wouldn’t be shocked if you find out at some point that the 2 weeks when things were good recently he was probably fighting with her. Spend some time on this site reading other posts and you will see the patterns of affair fogs or whatever you want to call it. 

If you have access to phone bills/records start to check those out, look for many calls to one number. Start looking for the truth, he wont tell you and you will get many excuses, standard fare clichés etc. 

Deal with your facts as you know them now. He wants a divorce and he has moved out. He doesn’t want to work on whatever issues are going on. You will not be able to convince him otherwise. As hard as it is to do, pull away from him, limit your communication to only what is necessary and be all business. Bluff it if you have to but show him you are more than capable of life without him. 

You have not been married a long time so from a divorce standpoint it shouldn’t be that difficult with no kids involved. If he wants just talk “trial separation” or something again as hard as it is for you, tell him its either all in or all out. Work on the marriage or work on divorce. Limbo land is the worst and waywards seem to love limbo.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

I believe he is going to regret his actions and as far as I can see, you can drive this where you want.

Decide what your boundaries are. For example, if he has already had the PA with the boss wh0re then it is up to you to decide to give up or try to R.

There has to be complete transparency from him regarding cellphone, computer accounts, etc. 

If the PA is in progress, expose him and POSOW to family, friends, co-workers, etc.

This guy is coming back to you eventually, I can feel it. However, you need to start working on yourself, preparing to move on so that when he comes begging, you can decide from a position of personal confidence and clear minded choice.

If him and the ho are doing the dirty deed, maybe you decide to move on and leave him to a life of regret.

Good luck, be strong, you decide what you want to do and what you want him to do. That's setting the boundaries and then go get what you want.

Stretch


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## hitsme (Apr 23, 2014)

Thank you for all the replies; it's been quite a week with quite a few new developments..

Last Thursday, I discovered I was pregnant and this was confirmed on Friday during a visit to my doctor! We are 7 weeks as of today with our first child.

Needless to say, this has changed things. My husband has moved home and is absolutely thrilled. At first, I was skeptical and unsure of how I wanted to move forward but after much deep discussion, he has agreed to come to marriage counseling with me and has promised to work harder on our marriage.

During our discussion, I again confronted him about the potential affair with his boss and he continues to deny there was anything physical between them. He admitted that she has become more of a friend than a boss and that she was there for him, as a friend, during the times that he believed our marriage was faltering. He stated that he is not sexually attracted to her but couldn't answer whether she was attracted to him or not.

To me, this is an emotional blow as well since he clearly discussed our problems and issues with an outside party and with a woman that I have never met. He has promised that their relationship will be nothing but professional going forward and has also begun seeking a new job. He has admitted that his job is taking a toll on his personal life and has begun chipping away at the foundation of our marriage.

We have decided together to work on our marriage for the sake of our child and I'm happy with this decision. Everything happens for a reason, right?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Wow. Congratulations on the baby. I hope the female boss gets a huge virtual slap in the face. 
I hope you can work out your issues with MC because your husband seems like an easy target for someone trying to ruin your marriage!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Hitsme, I think you really should still consider everything Stretch said above. Here are a few things I would add:


At the VERY LEAST, he has had an emotional affair with his female boss. No question at all in my mind. Is she also in a relationship? I'd bet $5 that she is, and that she pulled back from your husband during that two weeks when things were great with you and him, maybe to reconsider her own relationship before eventually coming back. A married man cannot turn to another woman to find comfort when struggling with his own relationship. If anything, she's likely the direct cause of most of the "issues" he's described to both of you.

The next bad news is that it's not realistically possible for him to continue to associate with her in any way. First, you'll never be able to really truly trust him with her still in the picture, especially with him still denying that he did anything wrong. (After all, if he didn't do anything wrong, then there is no harm in continuing the EA with her, right?) Second, there will always be an extreme temptation for it to advance further to a PA and beyond. Once you've crossed that line with someone, you can't uncross it, you have to sever the relationship to protect the marriage. That means he needs to find another job if the other woman isn't going to.

To emphasis what Stretch said before, go through his cell phone and computer records. It's not difficult. Just search through web history on the computer, recent files viewed, etc. For the phone, if you can't physically access the phone while he is sleeping or something like that, then at least go to your carriers website and access the logs there. See who he is calling/texting the most, and figure out who those numbers belong to.


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