# How do you know when to stop pushing the sexual envelope?



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

My wife and I have been together a long time. When we first married, she was very bashful and conservative. Over the years, I’ve challenged her sexual boundaries time and again. No swinging or “lifestyle” activities, but lot’s of pressure to push the envelope just a little farther. For instance, she wouldn’t even undress in front of me on our honeymoon. Now she has no problem getting freaky with the lights on. I would often feel guilty about threatening her value system, but she has obviously evolved considerably and it’s enhanced our marriage thus far. The problem is that I’m never content with what we have; I’m always pushing her to let’s raise the bar just a little bit further. I truly love my wife. She’s not only my soul mate, she’s my best friend. I don’t ever want to ruin that by asking for something that will forever tarnish her feelings about me or herself. How do you know when to stop pushing the sexual envelope?


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

When she says no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When she says no. When your asking is hurting your sex life and making her feel unsafe.


----------



## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

NeverEnuff said:


> she wouldn’t even undress in front of me on our honeymoon.


Wow.


----------



## Hawk (Jan 2, 2013)

Unfortunately once you have pushed it too far then it's probably too late, but then you know I guess. Serious answer, not being sarcastic.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

Thank you for the responses thus far. 

She always said "NO!" Whether it was getting naked in front of me, sex with the lights on, oral or whatever, she always started out with resistance. But after enough prodding and persuasion, would eventually get to "Ok." Not only does she get there, she gets comfortable with it and even initiates it on occasion. It's almost as if she desires many of the same things I do, but wants to be "talked into it." Sort of like a young girl who really likes a guy but plays hard to get. It's almost like a game between us, but a game that's been mutually fulfilling so far. I just know that my limits are likely more daring than hers, but she loves me and keeps putting her reservations aside to try and please me. Like I said, if I had simply taken "no" as the signal to give it up, we wouldn't have the wonderful marriage that we do today. But I also fear that she may concede one time too many and never get over it. Am I being selfish to want to see how far we can take this?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NeverEnuff said:


> Thank you for the responses thus far.
> 
> She always said "NO!" Whether it was getting naked in front of me, sex with the lights on, oral or whatever, she always started out with resistance. But after enough prodding and persuasion, would eventually get to "Ok." Not only does she get there, she gets comfortable with it and even initiates it on occasion. It's almost as if she desires many of the same things I do, but wants to be "talked into it." Sort of like a young girl who really likes a guy but plays hard to get. It's almost like a game between us, but a game that's been mutually fulfilling so far. I just know that my limits are likely more daring than hers, but she loves me and keeps putting her reservations aside to try and please me. Like I said, if I had simply taken "no" as the signal to give it up, we wouldn't have the wonderful marriage that we do today. But I also fear that she may concede one time too many and never get over it. Am I being selfish to want to see how far we can take this?


You can ask the same thing on different occassions and eventually get an OK/yes.

Whether or not it's selfish I think depends a lot on what you are asking her to do. How far out from what she has consented to is your request? There are probably things that she will never do. You will need to figure out what those are.


But since we don't know what you are asking and she's not here to express her side of things it's hard for us to give an opinion.


----------



## Hawk (Jan 2, 2013)

Sounds like it's working out for you so far but I would say don't push it too hard too fast. Of course each person is different as to what they are into. Maybe ask her to come up with some ideas to get an idea of how far she is willing to go? You might be surprised.

I would say doing anything that you both might enjoy is good but if you have a really good relationship then I would suggest NEVER think about bringing in a third party or sharing your wife (swinging, etc.) because that almost never works out in the end.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

NeverEnuff said:


> For instance, she wouldn’t even undress in front of me on our honeymoon.


My wife and I will have sex with the lights on, in daylight, in various positions and anal sex on occasion. But to this day, she won't get fully naked when she's changing clothes. Naked during sex is OK, but not when changing.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

NeverEnuff said:


> My wife and I have been together a long time. When we first married, she was very bashful and conservative. Over the years, I’ve challenged her sexual boundaries time and again. No swinging or “lifestyle” activities, but lot’s of pressure to push the envelope just a little farther. For instance, she wouldn’t even undress in front of me on our honeymoon. Now she has no problem getting freaky with the lights on. I would often feel guilty about threatening her value system, but she has obviously evolved considerably and it’s enhanced our marriage thus far. The problem is that I’m never content with what we have; I’m always pushing her to let’s raise the bar just a little bit further. I truly love my wife. She’s not only my soul mate, she’s my best friend. I don’t ever want to ruin that by asking for something that will forever tarnish her feelings about me or herself. How do you know when to stop pushing the sexual envelope?



By telling here everything you just said, and then finishing by saying "If you feel I'm pushing to much, just let me know and I'll back off."

Letting her know that you are pushing because of how much you love her is just as important as letting her know that she's always safe with you and that you won't push her beyond what she comfortable with.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> By telling here everything you just said, and then finishing by saying "If you feel I'm pushing to much, just let me know and I'll back off."


Please believe me, I have done this extensively. I go out of my way to caution her not to do anything that she may feel resentful about afterwards. It's not like these concessions occur during a single episode of sex. From the time I suggest something until the time she concedes can takes weeks, months or even years. Even if she's completely drunk, my wife won't compromise her limit if she's not ready to. It's sometimes frustrating, but I'm hoping it's reassurance that she won't "let" me succeed in pushing her beyond any boundary that she can't make peace with.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

NeverEnuff said:


> My wife and I have been together a long time.


What's a long time? How old is she? Pushing for x, y or z at 35 maybe fine but at 50, not so much.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> What's a long time? How old is she? Pushing for x, y or z at 35 maybe fine but at 50, not so much.


Married 37 years. Both in our fifties. And as for "x, y or z", my wife was twice as adventurous at 50 than she was at 35. That's actually part of what inspired this thread.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

NeverEnuff said:


> Please believe me, I have done this extensively. I go out of my way to caution her not to do anything that she may feel resentful about afterwards. It's not like these concessions occur during a single episode of sex. From the time I suggest something until the time she concedes can takes weeks, months or even years. Even if she's completely drunk, my wife won't compromise her limit if she's not ready to. It's sometimes frustrating, but I'm hoping it's reassurance that she won't "let" me succeed in pushing her beyond any boundary that she can't make peace with.





NeverEnuff said:


> Married 37 years. Both in our fifties. And as for "x, y or z", my wife was twice as adventurous at 50 than she was at 35. That's actually part of what inspired this thread.


Put these two posts together and I don't see what the problem is.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

NeverEnuff said:


> Married 37 years. Both in our fifties. And as for "x, y or z", my wife was twice as adventurous at 50 than she was at 35. That's actually part of what inspired this thread.


Good for you two! Mrs P, 50 now, is slowing down a bit, but she was always fairly open and adventurous. Not complaining, just sharing my experience.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> Put these two posts together and I don't see what the problem is.


Something occurred over the past few weeks that has me excited about the potential to add an entirely new dimension to our adventures. And best of all, she's the one responsible for it. 

Don't get ahead of me. It's probably not what you're thinking.

I plan to elaborate on it. But before I do, I'd like to give some others an opportunity to weigh in with additional feedback.


----------



## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

Even if she says "no" that doesn't mean she won't eventually change her mind with time and the proper motivation and influencing. When you can clearly see that she's getting upset with the advances, that's when it's time to stop.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

coupdegrace said:


> When you can clearly see that she's getting upset with the advances, that's when it's time to stop.


I acknowledge this as a fairly reliable indicator, in theory, but even this has not proven to be an absolute where my wife is concerned. For instance, neither of us are big fans of porn (just too phony for us). However, we do occasionally watch an adult film late at night, or during a hotel stay, or maybe stumble across something while channel surfing. I happen to be one of those guys that really enjoys the girl/girl interaction, but my wife couldn't stand it. Whenever those scenes came along (as they inevitably do) she would always say something about it being disgusting and insist that we watch something else. I mean she would totally cringe if it came up in any context. But, I persisted in tuning them in, and as the years have gone by, she's far less opposed to it. Don't misunderstand. I'm not saying she's ever turned on by watching it. I'm just saying that she'll keep watching it right through those scenes now, no matter how lengthy they are, and without an ounce of protest. 

To recap the original point, she was decidedly against this form of entertainment and repeatedly stated it in no uncertain terms. But I ignored it and persevered and today it's no longer an issue. I keep pushing the envelope, and she keeps making concessions. My whole marriage has been like this and I love it. But, with this kind of history, I fear that I may confuse a serious crisis of conviction with just another round of playful reluctance and end up pushing too far.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

So you keep pushing her, she objects, you still push until she finally relents, and you like this as the basis of your marriage?

I know what you're driving at but the way you word it doesn't really sound to wonderful.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

kingsfan said:


> So you keep pushing her, she objects, you still push until she finally relents, and you like this as the basis of your marriage?
> 
> I know what you're driving at but the way you word it doesn't really sound to wonderful.


Yes, I know my words must make this sound one-sided and selfish. I can only ask you to believe me when I say that our marriage is sound and our sex life is mutually gratifying. That's precisely what brings me to this site and inspires me to start this discussion. I want to make sure that I don't foolishly jeopardize what we have by over-reaching. 

I'm going somewhere in particular with this, but I'd like the general perspective of others on this topic before I launch into it. A new desire to "push the envelope" is emerging and I'm quite conflicted about it.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You mention several times her concessions. What concessions do you make to her?


----------



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

NeverEnuff said:


> Thank you for the responses thus far.
> 
> She always said "NO!" Whether it was getting naked in front of me, sex with the lights on, oral or whatever, she always started out with resistance. But after enough prodding and persuasion, would eventually get to "Ok." Not only does she get there, she gets comfortable with it and even initiates it on occasion. It's almost as if she desires many of the same things I do, but wants to be "talked into it." Sort of like a young girl who really likes a guy but plays hard to get. It's almost like a game between us, but a game that's been mutually fulfilling so far. I just know that my limits are likely more daring than hers, but she loves me and keeps putting her reservations aside to try and please me. Like I said, if I had simply taken "no" as the signal to give it up, we wouldn't have the wonderful marriage that we do today. But I also fear that she may concede one time too many and never get over it. Am I being selfish to want to see how far we can take this?


You're not being selfish. What you and your wife has sounds exciting. She gets to be the "good girl" and you get to be the seducer. As long as no other people are involved and you don't do anything that could physically harm her then keep pushing.


----------



## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

Maneo said:


> You mention several times her concessions. What concessions do you make to her?


A very fair question. Sexually, I haven't had to make any concessions to her (other than being patient). It's not her nature to make sexual demands, and if it was, she knows that aren't many that I wouldn't gleefully fulfill. 

This being said, I do make concessions in many other regards. I won't go into specifics, but she'd back me up on that.


----------

