# Regret cheating on my wife, she wants divorce



## djvelvet

Previously, I have posted several topics about me cheating on my wife. 

My wife actually employed a private investigator to follow me and discovered my affair with my 6months mistress. 

Initially, my wife still wants to give me chance, but I chose to move out with mistress for 2weeks. Wife discovered from private investigator with photo and video evidence.

Now wife wants divorce, she is very firm with it.. Her heart has hardened.. That's when I totally wake up... I want my wife back... I stayed home and we are still sleeping on the same bed and still in talking terms. 

Wife wishes me all the best with my mistress, but now... I actually badly want my wife back and totally no intention to stick with my mistress.

I actually beg my wife to give me a second chance.. But she said no.. She has given up hope on me.

The divorce letter is going to be out in 2days time, she expects me to sign without drama, she is not going to claim alimony and only expect me to pay our daughter her monthly living expense which I am okay with it...

Now the thing is... I really want my wife back... I did some soul searching.. Deep in me, I love my wife a lot a lot... I am prepared to give up my mistress (which is maybe too late now)...

I am in a desperate situation and I can't eat sleep well for the past 4days... Non stop thinking about my wife.. 

Is there any idea to get my wife back?? She is not seeing anyone now.. 

Or shall I give up?? And start a new life with mistress??

**I know I deserve all these sh!t.. I am the one causing all this and karma has already got back to me..***
I really want to change my ways and be a good dad and husband.. I swear!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## djvelvet

More info, we have a 4year old daughter..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## djvelvet

Additional point, my wife said the divorce will be good for me and her.. And she said we can still hang out as friends and go out with daughter in the future

This is not a messy situation as we are still in talking terms (except we are not talking about romance)

Is there hope?? She keep re assure me that the divorce decision is final.

She has adultery evidences, so i am legally binded by law to sign the divorce letter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy

Why did you cheat on her?

How long have you been married?

How did you get started in the affair?

Why do you think you are worthy of a second chance? You've proven yourself disloyal; do you think she should just take you back because you're done with your plaything, now? Think about what you've put her through.


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## daisygirl 41

Your wife's heart wasn't hardened it was probably broken.
My H cheated on me too. We are reconciling. I love him. We are doing well but do you know what? Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I'd never had him back.
Infidelity is devastating. It changes a person. You should have thought about how much you wanted her before you cheated on her.
If she wants a divorce, do the honourable thing and let her go. Give her the chance to find someone who won't cheat on her and treat her the way she deserves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oncehisangel

daisygirl 41 said:


> Your wife's heart wasn't hardened it was probably broken.
> My H cheated on me too. We are reconciling. I love him. We are doing well but do you know what? Sometimes, just sometimes I wish I'd never had him back.
> Infidelity is devastating. It changes a person. You should have thought about how much you wanted her before you cheated on her.
> If she wants a divorce, do the honourable thing and let her go. Give her the chance to find someone who won't cheat on her and treat her the way she deserves.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hearts are generally pulverised actually....then we are expected to get up...and breathe...

good luck mister. very sad for your little girl and wife.


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## djvelvet

We are in a 5years marriage, seeing this OW 6months.. It's now I realized I have totally screwed up..

I repent and regret..

I sincerely hope anyone can give me some possible solutions to get her back... 
Really sincerely seeking for advices
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

You won't find anyone on here that will tell you what you have done is ok. If your tough enough to take it, then stick around and you will get some useful advice.
What led you to cheat after only 5 years of marriage?

Actions speak louder than words.
SHOW her how sorry you are
Be totally accountable, transparent and honest with her.
No trickle truth, no rug sweeping. No blameshifting.
If she still wants to be friends then you might have a chance but it sounds like her mind is made up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## djvelvet

Her mind is made up.. I can tell.. But she still feel slight affection to me. Last 2nights, she showed that her mind is made up, but she still weep for a few seconds when we talked.. 

The next morning, she just be her old self, determined to divorce.

The divorce letter will be out in 2days..

Shall I give up and move on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

MOVE ON.

Of course she still weeps; she's crying for the life she THOUGHT she was going to have with you, the future she THOUGHT you were going to have together, the family she THOUGHT you were building with your little girl. It's all gone now!

And for what? For a different piece of azz! Some woman telling you how smart and funny you are. Meanwhile, the woman who has stuck with you for 5+ years is treated like trash; the child YOU CREATED TOGETHER has just had her life turned upside-down...and for what? A different piece of azz and some woman telling you how smart and funny you are!

Move on. Learn the lesson. Become the man your daughter deserves as a father - faithful, honest, reliable, upright, strong, respectful of others and worthy of HER respect. YOU WILL BE TEACHING YOUR DAUGHTER how a "man" acts. START doing it right!


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## dubbizle

If you would not have gotten caught I bet you would not even be thinking of you wife right now. You cheated for a reason so you were looking for something that you feel was missing in your marraige so now you can go find that with somebody else because your wife is done.

You and her need to move on.I can't believe you are still sleeping in the same bed.


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## lilith23

djvelvet said:


> Initially, my wife still wants to give me chance, but I chose to move out with mistress for 2weeks.


It seems that she was willing to give you a chance before, but you didn't take it and now that you realize how firm that she is you want it back.

I've heard that even thought some women forgive their men, there's always something lingering, some hurt and resentment, as well as inability to trust anymore, that would end up destroying the relationship anyways. In other words, the issue will always be there, it will never be forgotten.
Maybe for some women they would still take the chance, if they really love their men, but it's big suffering for them. It might or might not work in the end.


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## woundedwarrior

"Cheaters never win". Rarely can couples reconcile, unless it is maybe a non feeling one night stand on a drunk stooper.
My wife cheated on me, I followed her & caught her, she divorced me, the other guy disappeared shortly after & 8 yrs were gone just like that. I was crushed for nearly a year & we had two young sons, that thankfully don't remember.
Don't be surprised that after your divorce is done & the "danger element" is gone, so will your mistress.
Sorry but you've lost your wife & the fact that you can still share a bed proves that you are no longer a threat to her.
Hope it was all worth it & best of luck.


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## djvelvet

Thanks for the advices.. From what I see from you guys experience.. The divorce is 99.9% concluded..

I will stop crying and beg for her to return even though I swear how much I want my family back...

Mistress actually is extremely sad that I have been paying her no attention ever since I stick at home, trying to get my wife back..
Honestly, I think I am also stringing mistress along... She actually is dying to have a future with me...

Too bad I know what I really want too late...

I still hope for a miracle that my wife will want me back..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous

The best shot you have is if the mistress is banished forever from your life and you begin acting like a man who is living & breathing for this woman you hurt/betrayed ....wanting your family back....but this will take TIME... if it happens at all . I've never been cheated on personally or cheated, so I can not relate to these strong feelings most are sharing here, I can only imagine the depth of them... but call my crazy....I do believe that...







can conquer all - no matter what one has been through... if it wills.

If she ovewhelmingly feels your genuine remorse...and allows herself to open her heart again. 

The fact she doesn't have anyone else and it still affectionate towards you - I would count a crack in the door... but only TIME and a truly changed man & father before her has the opportunity to allow you what you seek. I've heard of couples divorcing even, then getting back together. With Breathe - anything is possible.


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## djvelvet

SimplyAmorous said:


> The best shot you have is if the mistress is banished forever from your life and you begin acting like a man who is living & breathing for this woman you hurt/betrayed ....wanting your family back....but this will take TIME... if it happens at all . I've never been cheated on personally or cheated, so I can not relate to these strong feelings most are sharing here, I can only imagine the depth of them... but call my crazy....I do believe that...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> can conquer all - no matter what one has been through... if it wills.
> 
> If she ovewhelmingly feels your genuine remorse...and allows herself to open her heart again.
> 
> The fact she doesn't have anyone else and it still affectionate towards you - I would count a crack in the door... but only TIME and a truly changed man & father before her has the opportunity to allow you what you seek. I've heard of couples divorcing even, then getting back together. With Breathe - anything is possible.


I can banish mistress away of course.. But bear in mind mistress is also a quality girl whom loves me deeply, adore me like a king.. 

It sounds morally right to banish her away.. But if weighing everything, it does make decent sense to move on with OW.. 

I am not sure as of now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilith23

Just out of curiosity, did your mistress know that you have a wife?


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## djvelvet

lilith23 said:


> Just out of curiosity, did your mistress know that you have a wife?


Yes, she knew about it. Initially, she was devastated. But now, she accepts it and from what I see, she is totally into me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.


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## lilith23

djvelvet said:


> Yes, she knew about it. Initially, she was devastated. But now, she accepts it and from what I see, she is totally into me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But she didn't know at the beginning?

Even so, if she accepted it, then it's kind of karma that she is now stuck with a man that can ditch her any moment to go back to the wife.

Real love is very rare to happen, and IMO, being with a married man means she can't ever really trust him completely, since she never know if he can also cheat on her even if he chooses her instead of wife in the end.

It would be nice if you can let her go right away if you intend to pursue your wife, it's not fair to make another woman as a 2nd prize (even thought she's the one who accepted it, maybe with some delusion that you can actually want her more than your wife).


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## OhGeesh

Maybe one last heartfelt talk over dinner, bring up counseling for you, total transparency where she has access to everything you do, etc etc.

In the end some people cannot overlook infidelity! I've said 1000 times if my wife had a ONE NIGHT STAND with a stranger I could handle that. A actual affair with emotions, feeling, and sex for a period of time I could not.

Best of luck one more shot then move on you live and learn.


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## Soifon

It seems to me that you just want whatever it is that you can't have. You want your mistress when your wife wants to work on it then the second you are free to be with your mistress you want your wife back. Give the poor woman her divorce so she can find someone that truly loves her. It seems like you are only focusing on yourself and what you want, hence the mistress still in the picture. If you really wanted your wife back you would have cut all ties.


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## The Middleman

Frankly you deserve all this, let her divorce you and continue to work on yourself. If overtime you improve and she sees it and appreciates it, maybe she'll take you back, if she doesn't move on. But for now you need to do her a favor and allow her to divorce you because you are not remorseful at all. You have to pay for the heinous crime you committed on your wife and children.


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## Terry_CO

djvelvet said:


> Initially, my wife still wants to give me chance, but I chose to move out with mistress for 2weeks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Choice made.

Let your wife go, and cultivate your new relationship with *everything* you have, because it was VERY expensive - emotionally or otherwise.


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## Dewayne76

I'm sorry. I may have missed it somewhere but.. . am I the only one that sees this?

The way I see it? If you TRULY was sorry and missed your wife and wanted your family?>.... Yeah. This "mistress talk" would've been in the past. 

IE: the "I could give up mistress of course" (sorry if misquoted but yall get the point) Should've been "I GAVE UP mistress and told her to not contact me in that I wanted my wife and told her I was sorry, I was wrong"

IMO the mistress would've been long gone if I really wanted my wife back.


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## Soifon

djvelvet said:


> I can banish mistress away of course.. But bear in mind mistress is also a quality girl whom loves me deeply, adore me like a king..


Here is the quote Dewayne and I agree with you. This is just disgusting to me. I _can_ banish mistress away...*BUT*. There should be no but and obviously it isn't "of course" because you haven't done it. I get the feeling that if your wife did take you back you still wouldn't get rid of the mistress. This is all very selfish to me and you have learned nothing from being caught in an affair. Your wife is doing the right thing.


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## daisygirl 41

djvelvet said:


> Her mind is made up.. I can tell.. But she still feel slight affection to me. Last 2nights, she showed that her mind is made up, but she still weep for a few seconds when we talked..
> 
> The next morning, she just be her old self, determined to divorce.
> 
> The divorce letter will be out in 2days..
> 
> Shall I give up and move on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is weeping for her broken heart and broken dreams! She is weeping for the life she thought she had!
Sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish

Unfortunately, you already made your choice - your wife gave you a chance despite you having a steady six month affair, and being discovered rather than coming clean. 

Your answer to her? You left - you left your home and your child, to move in with your mistress. Your actions told your wife and daughter that they were not that important in your life, and that you could leave them behind with no reservations or second thoughts. 

And - even if you wanted to get your wife back, and by some miracle she gave you -another- chance, you aren't going to be able to be sincere until you can stop justifying your affair. Until you stop telling yourself but your mistress is so sweet and nice, and you don't want to leave her behind. 

You can't have your cake and eat it too.


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## daisygirl 41

Doesn't the word 'mistress' make it sound soooo romantic!!!!!
Bleugh!!
Pass me a bag someone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream

You men...just don't know what it means, how much it means, for a woman who loves you to bear your child...you have no freaking idea nor will you ever. And for a woman to do that for you, ruin her body for you, go through all that pain for you, and you to turn right around and stick your d*ck in someone else...well, you deserve what you get then.


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## Emerald

You can't undo what you have done. You knew it was wrong. There are consequences - like when you commit a crime. Your consequence is a divorce & you knew damn well if your wife were to find out about your affair that would happen.

Time to accept your consequence & be the best father possible & co-parent with your wife.


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## djvelvet

I am firm. Just called mistress and said that I can't do this anymore and let's clean break. She cried and accepted

What's next? Urgent!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau

Now you should leave your stbxw alone and let her find a real man to love and appreciate her.


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## lilith23

DayDream said:


> You men...just don't know what it means, how much it means, for a woman who loves you to bear your child...you have no freaking idea nor will you ever. And for a woman to do that for you, ruin her body for you, go through all that pain for you, and you to turn right around and stick your d*ck in someone else...well, you deserve what you get then.


Such words saddens me a bit to think about it... A woman sacrifices her body and then her man goes after someone more beautiful...


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## greenpearl

djvelvet said:


> I am firm. Just called mistress and said that I can't do this anymore and let's clean break. She cried and accepted
> 
> What's next? Urgent!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell your wife that you have done it. 

And tell her you will do whatever she wants you to do to save your marriage. 

There has been some good advice about getting your wife's trust back. Let her tell you what she needs you to do to gain her trust. It won't be easy for her to trust you again, but you should understand it. 

The hurt will always be there, and you also have to understand it. Nothing hurts a woman more than her husband's betrayal. 

I think if your sincerely repent, you might get her back and you might even have a happy marriage.


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## DayDream

Let your wife know how you truly feel, and tell her you'll accept what she wants if a divorce is what she really wants, but tell her what you really want and that you are hopeful someday you can reconcile. Also tell her you have broke it off with the OW for good. Then start IC for your infidelity issues, and let your wife know that too so she knows you are serious about taking care of the problems and that you recognize that you have major issues. Then let her know you are not doing it, per say, to get her back...though I'm sure it would be nice...but just that you know you have issues and will never be able to make anybody happy until you fix them. 

Maybe if she sees you making serious efforts, she'll consider reconciliation in the future.


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## DayDream

lilith23 said:


> Such words saddens me a bit to think about it... A woman sacrifices her body and then her man goes after someone more beautiful...


Sad is an understatement. It's devestating.


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## Shaggy

djvelvet said:


> I can banish mistress away of course.. But bear in mind mistress is also a quality girl whom loves me deeply, adore me like a king..
> 
> It sounds morally right to banish her away.. But if weighing everything, it does make decent sense to move on with OW..
> 
> I am not sure as of now...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


this post proves you don't mean what you say about wanting to save your marriage.

If you wanted your wife the mistress would be dead and gone from your life.

But no - she's still around, you're still talking to her, and you're planning on going with her if your wife takes you back.

And that is why your wife won't take you back.

----

*
Suggestion: Have your wife come post here so we can help the two of you.*


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## Shaggy

Have you wife come here. Maybe we can talk her into changing her mind?


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## DayDream

If I were his wife and came on here and read this: “Such words saddens me a bit to think about it... A woman sacrifices her body and then her man goes after someone more beautiful...”…” I can banish mistress away of course.. But bear in mind mistress is also a quality girl whom loves me deeply, adore me like a king.. 

It sounds morally right to banish her away.. But if weighing everything, it does make decent sense to move on with OW.. 

I am not sure as of now...”… Yes, she knew about it. Initially, she was devastated. But now, she accepts it and from what I see, she is totally into me”

I’d move on with the divorce. 
Because it doesn't seem sincere and seems like the OW is still too much on his mind.


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## warlock07

this guy is a narcissist with issues...Pathetic


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## sweaty teddy

I'vee seen the light please take me back!


if the shoe was on the other foot would you take her back?

I think she has seen the light and it finally burnt out.and rightfully so.


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## Chumpless

DayDream said:


> You men...just don't know what it means, how much it means, for a woman who loves you to bear your child...you have no freaking idea nor will you ever. And for a woman to do that for you, ruin her body for you, go through all that pain for you...


WTH?:scratchhead:


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## DayDream

Chumpless said:


> WTH?:scratchhead:


My point exactly.


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## The Cro-Magnon

djvelvet said:


> Previously, I have posted several topics about me cheating on my wife.
> 
> My wife actually employed a private investigator to follow me and discovered my affair with my 6months mistress.
> 
> Initially, my wife still wants to give me chance, but I chose to move out with mistress for 2weeks. Wife discovered from private investigator with photo and video evidence.
> 
> Now wife wants divorce, she is very firm with it.. Her heart has hardened.. That's when I totally wake up... I want my wife back... I stayed home and we are still sleeping on the same bed and still in talking terms.
> 
> Wife wishes me all the best with my mistress, but now... I actually badly want my wife back and totally no intention to stick with my mistress.
> 
> I actually beg my wife to give me a second chance.. But she said no.. She has given up hope on me.
> 
> The divorce letter is going to be out in 2days time, she expects me to sign without drama, she is not going to claim alimony and only expect me to pay our daughter her monthly living expense which I am okay with it...
> 
> Now the thing is... I really want my wife back... I did some soul searching.. Deep in me, I love my wife a lot a lot... I am prepared to give up my mistress (which is maybe too late now)...
> 
> I am in a desperate situation and I can't eat sleep well for the past 4days... Non stop thinking about my wife..
> 
> Is there any idea to get my wife back?? She is not seeing anyone now..
> 
> Or shall I give up?? And start a new life with mistress??
> 
> **I know I deserve all these sh!t.. I am the one causing all this and karma has already got back to me..***
> I really want to change my ways and be a good dad and husband.. I swear!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You made your bed, and now it is bed time.


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## The Cro-Magnon

DayDream said:


> You men...just don't know what it means, how much it means, for a woman who loves you to bear your child...you have no freaking idea nor will you ever. And for a woman to do that for you, ruin her body for you, go through all that pain for you.


My wife wanted children, harassed me for them, and they complete her, they are her world, she dotes on them, and loves them with every fibre of her being. My wife, for all her faults, is a really good Mother. Not in a million years would she bitterly lament having had them because she had to "ruin" her body or anything similarly selfish, or think of them as "sacrifices" she never wanted to placate her husband.

Your view on having children and childbirth though I find kinda a bit unnatural & disturbing to be honest.


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## CH

OP, don't cheat on your next partner. Now you know what can happen if you do.


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## cloudwithleggs

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> Your view on having children and childbirth though I find kinda a bit unnatural & disturbing to be honest.


No it is not really it is understandable, i think alot of women put them selves out bearing children, some women's bodies can be seriously damaged by pregnancy, i saw a forum once full of women that felt terrible about their bodies after even just one pregnancy, it is a sort of lottery whether it does damage my mother had 7 children and not a single stretch mark or sagging breasts and she breast fed us all.

As for the OP he is just weighing up his best odds, she is well rid of you, do her a favour and leave her be to find a decent man.


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## DayDream

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> Your view on having children and childbirth though I find kinda a bit unnatural & disturbing to be honest.


A fraction of my view. Yes.

I find a lot of unnatural disturbing things going on in life. Quite frankly, and maybe unfortunately for me, it scares me into not wanting a lot to do with a lot of people. 

Regardless...doesn't change what I said.


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## The Cro-Magnon

DayDream said:


> A fraction of my view. Yes.
> 
> I find a lot of unnatural disturbing things going on in life. Quite frankly, and maybe unfortunately for me, it scares me into not wanting a lot to do with a lot of people.
> 
> Regardless...doesn't change what I said.


If women did not want children, there would be no human species.

The maternal instinct, the female desire to be fertilized, and bear children, is one of the most basic and undeniable drives our species has.

By very definition, your lack of maternal drive and instinct is abnormal. If women, on average, no NOT want children, and view them as these "sacrifices" and begrudge their childrens' very existence, then our civilization and species has become a truly fcuked up thing.


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## DayDream

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> If women did not want children, there would be no human species.
> 
> The maternal instinct, the female desire to be fertilized, and bear children, is one of the most basic and undeniable drives our species has.
> 
> By very definition, your lack of maternal drive and instinct is abnormal. If women, on average, no NOT want children, and view them as these "sacrifices" and begrudge their childrens' very existence, then our civilization and species has become a truly fcuked up thing.


You are putting words in my mouth and also making judgements on me that are inaccurate. I said nothing about begrudging my children's existence and viewing them as nothing but sacrifices. My point was it is also a loving thing women do for their men. And women do sacrifice their bodies and other personal interests to have children. That is a fact. 

You couldn't possibly know me enough from one comment to ascertain that I lack maternal instinct and drive. 

And I will not entertain any more of your attacks on my character either, so this discussion is over.


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## moxy

Since you're still weighing your options and considering the mistress a choice, I'd say there is little hope for you at all. You are obviously not mature enough to be in a committed relationship such as marriage. I do not think you live your wife. I don't think you show the kind of remorse or commitment it takes to fix this mess you've made. So, let your wife go and go date your mistress until the novelty wears off. And if you want real help or change, do think a little more deeply about the how and why in your life rather than just considering options as equal and without consequence...


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