# Need to tell kids about our divorce. Need advice please.



## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Wife and I are moving towards divorce. Kids are 13yr old boy and 10yr old girl. They know we are having problems and we are in separate rooms. (Finance reasons can't afford separate living arrangements) We will need to tell the kids that we are getting divorced and selling the house. Need some advice on this subject. Thanks in advance.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

We told our kids (D15, S13) a few weekends ago. D had already worked it out anyway so it was best to get it out in the open. 

My advice would be to agree a script between you in advance as well as some answers to obvious questions. Ours included things like:

- M &D still love you very much
- this is not your fault, although at some point you may think it is
- you do not have to choose sides, and spending time with one or other of us is not choosing sides
- express your feelings. If you feel angry or upset with one or both of us, feel free to vent/express. We are adults and can deal with your anger and will not love you any less for it
- when we discuss future arrangements we will put your best interests at the heart of everything we do.

The thing kids really need is certainty and a sense of security, but unfortunately it is very difficult to give them this when arrangements are all up in the air and you find yourself having to tell them at a fairly early stage. My view is that it is better to give them some information than keep them in the dark when they can clearly sense that something is going on. 

you also need to agree what not to say and where the red lines are. Unfortunately when the discussion turned to living arrangements and my kids both suggested some form of 50/50 arrangement my STBXW shot these down as impractical and destabilising and just announced that the kids would live with her and see me 2 weekends a month. That went way beyond what we had agreed, but I did not want to argue about this in front of the kids and she only managed to alienate them anyway.


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