# Still in Love



## Biff (Jul 22, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for almost 20 years. Everything seemed ok until about a year ago when I noticed we were really not communicating that much or at least not as much as we used to. Our intimate life was slowing down as well. I'm 52 and she is 48. I thought that was just part of growing old at least for me. Things didn't always cooperate as they should and sometimes neither of us were in the mood to initiate anything as well. As I said I thought this was just part of the human physical and emotional cycle of a relationship.
Last year we enjoyed a wonderful vacation overseas and a few months ago brought a brand new puppy into our house. We had also made some large purchases on household items using credit cards. Three months ago, my wife approached me and said she felt like we were drifting apart and that we needed to reconnect and she was right. I said then lets do something. Go to counseling visit our pastor something. We really didn't agree on anything except we had a problem. She had to leave on a 3 day trip with friends so we couldn't take action the next day. When she returned from her trip we sat down to continue our discussion from 3 days ago. Out of the blue she says "I don't think I love you anymore and I think I have feelings for another woman"
Imagine my surprise at that statement. I had no idea that she didn't love me anymore like she said but the now thinking she was gay part was totally shocking. Three days ago we were in trouble but there might be a chance. Today there was no love and she is gay. She finally admitted she hasn't loved me in maybe eight months and had given up on us. Meanwhile we had an expensive vacation to pay off, a new puppy we brought into our family and credit card bills. I asked her if you haven't loved me in at least 6 months why did we go on vacation, get a puppy, run up the credit card on things for the house. She said she thought things would change. How could they change if you wait eight months to tell me you don't think you love me? I still had not addressed the gay part. So when we got around to that she said there was a woman at her church that she was interested in. Right away I knew who it was because they had been hanging around together a lot. This woman was gay and had just broken up with her partner of 23 years. She is is also the biological mother of a 13 year old. So now I have two huge problems to deal with. The non loving wife and her wanting to start a relationship with this other woman. 
It has been three months since all this has happened. I'm on anti depressants and seeing a Social Worker from the church once a week. My wife is also in counseling but now she is positive she wants to begin divorce proceedings and has had an affair with the other woman. Meanwhile because of our current financial state, neither one of us can afford to move into our own place. So we sleep in separate bedrooms but otherwise when not at work live together. The other woman because of her partner leaving is nearly bankrupt in debt and has to sell her house so my wife going there is not an option as well. Her 13 year old is still dealing with losing his other mom. In these three months I have tried to reconcile, ask for us to try and work on our relationship, anything to keep our marriage alive. She says she has no desire in her heart anymore for me or to save our marriage. 
In the past three years, my wife has also become very religious. I don't have a problem with that at all but any time I ask her to consider something about getting back to together, she says she has to pray on it. Every time she comes back with the prayers told her no. She is involved in a few church groups but her favorite is one that has had the same members for three years. These are the only people she will socialize with. The women in this group are widowed, have husbands that have cheated, women who's husbands believe in a different faith and of course the lesbian couple who broke up so now there is only the woman she has a relationship with. 
Meanwhile I'm still trying to figure out what's going on. My wife still lies and hides things from me around the house, gets angry at me and I found some stuff she had written about me in self help books that were very hateful. It's tough living around her these days. I do seasonal free lance work so I have to stop that and get a full time job doing anything to help pay these bills we both have acquired. She makes three times as much as me so she will be fine financially once we get these bills paid. But I'm kind of stuck unless I can find a higher paying job. We own our home but she does not want to live here because of "memories". It's too big a house for one person to take care of not to mention utilities, insurance taxes etc. So we will probably have to sell it and take a huge loss. We plan on using a mediator to settle this if we can remain civil towards each other. We don't want money hungry lawyers helping us but I'm afraid I might have to especially since she is the one who wants to leave. 
Do I have rights as the spouse to ask for alimony to keep our house and pay bills. Since she has committed adultery do I not have rights as the spurned husband? We have no children just dogs but hey, they are just as expensive to take care of. So that's my story. Would love to read comments from anybody. Thanks


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Odd story in some ways - but just like all the others for the most part.

You actually "might" be entitled to some short term alimony if she makes 3x what you make.

Good luck. Just take some time and read all of the other stories - you'll find plenty of similarities.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Hmmm intresting, what kind of church is this, you dont say. Most churchs arent big on adultery in fact thats against the ten commandments. Actually you may be able to get alimony and I think you should go for it. Weather you can use adultry against her well that depends on the state laws, here it is no fault so it wouldnt help you. 

No wonder Im not a big fan of organized religion, what kind of God would want to destroy Holy Matrimony for an adulterous affair, what type of church finds this acceptable...what a crock


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