# What a difference a day makes...



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

So we are utilizing therapy very effectively. Last night was very revealing. About a year into dating, the sex changed. It became more about my O, and he was initiating this, so I thought this was a natural evolution of our relationship, becoming more mutual instead of for fun only. Apparently, he was thinking he was doing that bc that was what I wanted. SO goes the male-female interpretation of things!

While this was ensuing, the amount of times I heard "no" grew. Knowing this new information I can guess that as I was growing more resntful at him saying no, he was growing more resentful of his "duty" to give me an O, which was making him say no to me more. HE must have been thinking "God, dont I give her enough of her damn O's?" WHich was not what I was looking for at all! 

SO, its no wonder he has this perception that he WAS doing things on my terms... only problem is the terms were what HE THOUGHT, and they were not what I was really wanting. SO out of this misperception, was born a year and a half long walk down "lonely and rejected" lane for me and "frustrated and feeling used" lane for him. 

This was all set up bc of a misperception that I had to have an O every time we had sex, when all I REALLY wanted was for him to pursue me and romance me like he used to... ie send text msgs to me about what he wanted to do with me, send emails just to say hi, im thinking about you, and do the stuff in bed (or wherever) that we used to... not focused on my O. If my O happened it was great and sometimes I would like to be able ask for that when I need one. I was also allowed to txt him and email him flirtatiously... it was a mutual series of events. Basically, I wanted things to have remained as they were... we were very happy until that point. It got all one sided, me pursuing him, that I thought en inevitable breakup was coming bc I perceived from his growing detachment and increase in saying no, that he wasnt into me. Its why I was shocked when he proposed to me... happy but shocked. I knew this needed tobe worked out, but didnt know what "this" was until last night.

SO, this is the real issue, this actually sheds light for me... alot, like a blaring sun. So, now we have to fix it... maybe it will be easier the more that is revealed. Until last night, I had no idea this was going on in his head... I wish he had told me a loooong time ago...


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

That's really great news! :thumbsup: I think this sort of thing (the misperceptions and not communicating) is sooo common in marriages, and leads to so much frustration and resentment. I'm glad you were able to get the issues out on the table and really look closely to see what was going on. This one sounds relatively simple to "solve", and I do think that now it's out in the open, it should make it easier to work on. Best of luck to you both!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I hope this is the case and he's being honest with you. If it is, things should change fairly dramatically as sex becomes more about fun and connection than performance.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I hope so!


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