# Husband won't visit my dying mother, help



## alexi38

I really need some advice!! My mother is dying from lung cancer and has been in the hospital for 3 weeks, it is now a matter of days or maybe hours until she passes. I have been traveling 3 hours about every day to be with her and have said my goodbys along with my 3 kids, the problem is my husband has not visited her once and now time is running out, I thought they had a good relationship and even if they didn't I feel like he should visit her for me, my dad and our kids! So am I wrong??


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## Blanca

Have you asked him why he wont visit her?


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## GAsoccerman

talk to him, this may be more difficult for him then you realize, maybe he feels that it is "for you" that he does not visit. That you need time with your mother without him.

Sorry to hear about your mother, i watcheb my father-in-law die the same way, tough to watch, if anything, I didn't show up until the day he died, I was working and keeping the house going while my wife visited him.

So that could be it, he may just try to "keep everything going" while you take time out for your mother, giving you the space you need to cope.

Talk to him, it is not that he doesn't care, he is trying to be gentle and help you out by taking care of everything else that needs to be done.


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## justean

if he is so adamant. then besides talking to him, saying how all of this is effecting you personally. then there might be bad blood between them and you might not know the real history between them.
other side of the fence - he might have his own way of dealing with situations like this. unfortunately its not supporting you. 
selfish in that way, but again it might be his coping mechanism.
by staying away , you dont see or want to see the situation.

i dont think your wrong and he might not be wrong either.
but again you need to atleast discuss a compromise and try and understand eachother.


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## alexi38

Thanks for your posts. I just feel that how can a person who supposedly loves me and knows how close I am to my mom not do the right thing and say goodbye to her? I think I will have alot of resentment towards him after she passes.


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## marina72

I don't blame you. It's hurtful to know he won't do this for you, or for your Mom

I am betting he is very sad about this, and has no clue how to handle it, except that he is shutting down, and just pretending this is not there, that way, he doesn't have to face losing someone, or seeing someone who is dying. 

It's a very hard thing to do, to visit someone who is dying, and watch the process of life ending, hard when it's just a pet, but when it's a human, his wife's Mom.... I am betting he is so freaked out, he is choosing not to face it, and to him, this is the only way he can deal?

On the other hand, it's something you strongly wish he could do for you, and for your Mom.

He'll never get another chance to say goodbye. So, ask him gently if he can try for your sake, to do this last gesture of kindness, and if he can't, then try to understand it from his point of view. your Mom will know he loved her, even after she's gone. 

Some people just cannot handle death, no matter how much you want him to go, he may not be able to do it. But, he should try very hard, to go, because it means the world to you, and your Mom.

Ask him gently, and if he just refuses, then try to forgive him, and understand why he couldn't do it.

I am so sorry about your Mom, it's so hard when you're having to face saying goodbye. 

I am one of those that believes, that she will always be there, and once her physical body is gone, her soul will most certainly still be with you, and your husband. She will never die in that way. That is the gift that is a soul, something God gave us, so that we never die, after our bodies are gone. 

Please find peace in knowing she is never truly gone, and I wish you all the best. blessings...


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