# Conflicted



## songwire (Apr 14, 2018)

I could really use some advice. My wife of nearly 30 years has suggested I date other women and find happiness before more time passes. She'd rather be alone. She says I'm a wonderful person and feels badly our life together is not fulfilling for me, and likely won't change. Problem is, I think she's a really good person whom I respect and love. She's honest, hardworking, ethical, and we agree philosophically on many important things. But our day to day life has become distant and detached. We hardly do anything as a couple and haven't for many years. We haven't vacationed together in over 25 years, which doesn't bother her. Nor does our sexless marriage. Nor does a near total lack of a social life. I've suggested counseling. She won't go. I'm conflicted, contemplating divorce, and unsure which way to head.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

songwire said:


> I could really use some advice. My wife of nearly 30 years has suggested I date other women and find happiness before more time passes. She'd rather be alone. She says I'm a wonderful person and feels badly our life together is not fulfilling for me, and likely won't change. Problem is, I think she's a really good person whom I respect and love. She's honest, hardworking, ethical, and we agree philosophically on many important things. But our day to day life has become distant and detached. We hardly do anything as a couple and haven't for many years. We haven't vacationed together in over 25 years, which doesn't bother her. Nor does our sexless marriage. Nor does a near total lack of a social life. I've suggested counseling. She won't go. I'm conflicted, contemplating divorce, and unsure which way to head.


Does she want to date other guys?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Does she want to date other guys?


Fair Question Andy 

What do you think OP

55


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don't seem to mind having a roommate instead of a wife. Why do anything?


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## songwire (Apr 14, 2018)

No, she'd rather live alone.


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## songwire (Apr 14, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> You don't seem to mind having a roommate instead of a wife. Why do anything?


I do mind. I'm a traditional guy who wants a marriage partner, not a roommate. She's telling me to find someone more compatible. I'm not comfortable with dating while still married, though she's perfectly OK with it. But I'm struggling with the idea of divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well she's shown you and told you where she's at so you either make a decision or live with it.

She's not going to change. She's comfortable with her life the way it is. After 30 years why would she do anything else?

It's pretty black and white.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

There is no magic or easy way out of this.

Most people can't or won't make a decision. Hoping it'll just go away or fix itself.

That probably why you're still in this.

Indecisiveness on your part. Your wife doesn't care enough to fix anything so it will be all on you.


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## songwire (Apr 14, 2018)

Marc878 said:


> There is no magic or easy way out of this.
> 
> Most people can't or won't make a decision. Hoping it'll just go away or fix itself.
> 
> ...



You nailed it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Not a bad offer, this.

Too bad she could not have pardoned you earlier.
For good behavior.

She got the best years out of you. Ouch..

Oh, I forgot.


Does 'date' mean no wedding ring?
You, her, do your own 'thing'?

Separate, then divorce?

Or, an open marriage?
For you, only?


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## songwire (Apr 14, 2018)

She has no interest in dating other men, but she doesn't care if I date other women. She has my happiness in mind. Which is why it's tough. I'm sure some guys would find such a situation akin to having and eating their cake. I don't. Her lack of commitment hurts.


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## songwire (Apr 14, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Not a bad offer, this.
> 
> Too bad she could not have pardoned you earlier.
> For good behavior.
> ...


She's open to an open marriage. I'm not. I'd have to separate before dating. It would ultimately end in divorce. I really need to make a decision.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When I hear these things, this offered to a TAM member, I think:

a) I think the permitting spouse is truly nice. Truly loves their SO. Owns their faults; would do 'most' anything to help, make their spouse 'happy'. 

b) I think ILYBAMNILWY. The marriage has sunk to roommate status. Which it has.

c) I thing she may have a large measure of guilt over something [viz., past cheating episode]. She no longer loves you. It has gone beyond indifference, gone to mild, secret disgust.

d) I think she has fantasies. Fantasies of finding another man, another love. Holding a man close, him touching her intimately. A mysterious man entering her life, penetrating her again. This itch doth return.

d) I think of Tinkerbell, you do not dink, wink, tink her bell. A phantom in her Longfellow, longing Opera....does.

e) I think she wants out, hopes you find another love, your heart flutters for another and you leave. Both live happily after. A very passive way out of her inner storm. An 'almost' honorable one. My strongest guess.

I offer thee, these bullet points. The tips flattened, the full force of energy, expended in the mind, not passing through.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It sounds to me like she does want a divorce, and is asking for it in the gentlest, softest way possible. She must know you well enough to know you'd never do the open marriage she is suggesting. Or, with my cynic hat on, maybe she wants you to be the bad guy, by either being the one to initiate divorce, or the one to sleep with another woman, so she can tell her friends it's your fault.

And it sounds to me like you don't want to be alone, that you would rather use her for what she does still provide (housekeeping? cooking? conversation?) than go out into the world with the uncertainty of ever finding a more suitable partner.

Ask her what her terms are for open marriage: does she want you to keep it all secret from her, or does she want a full poly relationship with a third person living in the house and contributing, or something in between? Do you think she sees it as an opportunity for you to find and make sure a second relationship is in place before you make the switch and leave her alone for good?

It almost seems like a situation in which a wife with a terminal illness tries to lovingly make sure there's someone there to catch her husband when he becomes a widower.

As always, the solution must be communication. Talk to her. Ask what her ideal life would be going forward. Compare it to yours. Find compromise.

Lastly, is she just an introvert, or is she maybe suffering from depression? She's extremely detached from you, but are there friends she's close to at all?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

I agree with HC and SunC

Both theories are the most likely

OP make your move

55


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## *IrishEyes* (Apr 7, 2018)

Songwire - I'm new here too and like you, have been married for 30 years. Also facing a "roommate" situation amongst other things. Here's where I am with this after a few days on here, and want to share it with you because I think it may be helpful. 

There's no telling what our spouse's thoughts, feelings or intentions are beneath what has already been said. I cannot combat apathy and a crushing inability to express what he's feeling. It's too exhausting to keep trying to analyze it all correctly with the false notion that I can make the right decision or take the right actions if I can just understand where he's at and coming from. All BS!! All I can do is pay attention to what I'm feeling and begin sorting out what I want. I know what I currently have is not what I want and I don't hold much hope for it changing. I have actually thought of asking my husband if he'd mind if I dated, but then like you, I'm not cut from that cloth. My husband had a long term affair over 10 years ago and we actually worked through it (lots of marriage counseling, etc.) but other circumstances and patterns of our relationship showed up and began deteriorating the marriage once again. I do find myself resenting that he got his chance to go out and experience the passion and excitement of another relationship and I have my days where I chastise myself for being so "traditional" in that I can't live with one in marriage and carry on outside the marriage with another. I fear it would cost me more emotionally to do that because it would skew my sense of self and distort my hard won character. 

To boil all this down, I'm focusing on 3 important questions (hope these help you too!):
- What do I want?
- What am I hanging on to/for?
- What keeps me from getting what I want? 

After 30 years, there's no quick answer to any of these questions. I'm giving myself the time to just be with them and let them percolate. In addition to that, I've actually opened up to a few close people in my life that our marriage is in trouble. I'm old school in that you don't lay your problems on others, but I'm getting out of my comfort zone on that one too and opening up. 

I've gotten some great advice and perspectives here and my one big 'aha' from all of them is that this is a process. Give yourself time and work into it. Hell, we've gone for 30 years! What's another 3 mos, 6 mos or even a year? (Go read my thread in this forum: I think I just ended my 30 year marriage. Lots of great encouragement and sage advice.)


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Hopeful
It sounds to me like she does want a divorce, and is asking for it in the gentlest, softest way possible.*

Songwire, tell your W you won't date while married and you need to know what her idea of separating the marital assets would involve.

FYI, I have read so many situations like yours where people stay together until the people in the M dislike each other but do not want to be the one to file for divorce. 

After the divorce, they say they wished they did it 5 to 10 years ago. 

My wife wanted to stay married but live in her own house. We still live together. I wish I had a deal like yours.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

songwire said:


> I could really use some advice. My wife of nearly 30 years has suggested I date other women and find happiness before more time passes. She'd rather be alone. She says I'm a wonderful person and feels badly our life together is not fulfilling for me, and likely won't change. Problem is, I think she's a really good person whom I respect and love. She's honest, hardworking, ethical, and we agree philosophically on many important things. But our day to day life has become distant and detached. We hardly do anything as a couple and haven't for many years. We haven't vacationed together in over 25 years, which doesn't bother her. Nor does our sexless marriage. Nor does a near total lack of a social life. I've suggested counseling. She won't go. I'm conflicted, contemplating divorce, and unsure which way to head.


You have vacationed separately for 25 years, why was this?

What did she do on her vacations?

How long has it been sexless?

How and why did you stay in this so called marriage for so long?

Your wife saying she wants to live alone doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see other men or women.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

songwire said:


> She's open to an open marriage. I'm not. I'd have to separate before dating. It would ultimately end in divorce. I really need to make a decision.


I read a thread a few years ago about a husband in Atlanta. He had three kids and his wife was doing her own thing for a few years. He caught her cheating and confronted her. She said “no honey I’m not cheating, we have been in an open marriage for the past three years. I guess I forgot to tell you”. 

Are you sure your wife hasn’t opened the marriage up, like 25 years ago?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I must say we have seen this (not as often) before here. The real questions to ask are:

How does she feel about you falling in love with another woman, bringing her home to meet the kids (if there are any), forming an emotional attachment etc. ?

How does she feel about getting divorced ?



IMO you need to find out why she is in this state ? Could it be due to years of neglect earlier on, she felt powerless to change things and just went with it ? What is the cause of this (and there has to be a cause/reason for this behaviour) ? You owe it to yourselves to get to the bottom of this. I think if you can get her to open up you will have your answers. This combined with the honest answers to the above 2 questions should be able to guide you on what to do next.

And for the record, I think dating other women while married will cause more trouble (for all concerned) and is wrong.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This thread is two days old.

These, like this one.

They go so..... slow. 

The answers from the OP's, @songwire, the songbirds, take too long for anxious, impatient readers to resolve.

To solve, then dissolve, go away.

The readers, then await for the next songwire, the next life.... gone haywire.

Please, Oh friend of TAM. Regurgitate thy bellies earlier meal, spit it out for the rest of us to consume, to read.

It being read, get, got, is was blush red.

Of course, all these questions require that you go to the source of the answers, your wife.

Sie haben die Antworten. 
Nay, not Die Antwoort. Yuk.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

songwire said:


> I could really use some advice. My wife of nearly 30 years has suggested I date other women and find happiness before more time passes. She'd rather be alone. She says I'm a wonderful person and feels badly our life together is not fulfilling for me, and likely won't change. Problem is, I think she's a really good person whom I respect and love. She's honest, hardworking, ethical, and we agree philosophically on many important things. But our day to day life has become distant and detached. We hardly do anything as a couple and haven't for many years. We haven't vacationed together in over 25 years, which doesn't bother her. Nor does our sexless marriage. Nor does a near total lack of a social life. I've suggested counseling. She won't go. I'm conflicted, contemplating divorce, and unsure which way to head.


She might be projecting

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