# Confused!!



## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 14 years but we have known each other for over 23 years. We have two teenage kids ages 14 and 16 years of age. 8 months ago we went through a health scare with my husband where it was discovered that he had diabetes through a toe infection which cost him his big toe. While they had him under for the toe amputation the doctors discovered a heart condition which required a pacemaker. During these past 8 months I have been a gopher picking up his prescriptions from the pharmacy, doing the grocery shopping, cooking, running errands and making sure that he’s provided for. About a year ago we were both friends with a girl who lived in the apartment complex right next door to our complex. She frequently texts my husband more frequently than she did to me texting him to hang outside with her or meet her at all hours by the bus stop, go with her to doctors appointments which I have felt was a bit too personal then she started to invite strictly him to go hang out with her at her house. Anytime he would go outside to meet her he would tell me don’t follow me I don’t need a shadow wherever I go. I had texted her to tell her that she needs to back off just a little bit and was given the big middle finger. Now the girl and I aren’t friends anymore. The more I found out about her the more I wasn’t sure about her she’s a crystal meth user, she has been evicted from now 2 different apartment complexes because she’s allowed the homeless who have been proven to be on crystal meth to stay with her and for back rent that she owes to her apartment management company. When I tried to bring up my concerns to my husband he called me jealous and insecure. He would tell me that he’s a 48 year old man who can do whatever he wants to and that if I don’t like it then he’s more than happy to get a divorce. He’s told me that he’s not even so sure that he ever loved me. Now during our marriage the subject of divorce has never come up until he’s started hanging with this girl. He said he’s going to continue to be friends with her. I have just noticed an attitude change in him that I have never seen before. He now comes and goes whenever he wants to. He usually leaves and stays gone for hours which is totally unlike him. A couple days ago he said that we needed to go down to file the paperwork for divorce for divorce. We now have separate bank accounts for security issues because if he’s going to giving money to that girl then the money I make will not be a part of that. Someone please tell me what is going on here he says that they are just friends but I have seen a difference in his attitude and dim meaner? Please give me some advice.


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

I meant to also add that she’ll text to have him come outside and hang with her and I am not included then he’ll come home and talk about it. I feel isolated from his newly found social circle.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Just trying to deconstruct this a bit. Well, even before I start this. No, they are not just friends and your gut is probably dead on about what's going on here.

You said he started hanging with her before the health scare? 1 Year ago, while health scare was 8 months ago?

You mention he didn't act like this before. Was he considerate and generally a good husband and father before the past year, please answer that as honestly as you can because right now; He is an inconsiderate jerk to put it mildly and while not confirmed, most likely a cheater as well, to go along with someone that wants to bully you to get his way.


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

No he was never like the way before he has been acting recently. It used to be about us and what we were going to do in the future and now it’s about him and what he wants to do. The reason why I stopped coming outside is that the girl would cop her little comments and give me attitude as well. I feel rather excluded.


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

I’ve been trying to find other things to occupy my time and when I cook dinner if he’s not in the house for dinner then I’m not going to try to find him my kids and I eat dinner without him. I just feel a lot of resentment over the fact that he’s choosing to hang with her rather than be with the family. If I had not pushed for him to get to the doctor for his toe he probably wouldn’t be alive. His heart condition is so bad that his heart is 99% reliant on the pacemaker now.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I hate to say this, but married men don't "hang out" with young single women and purposely exclude their wife.
I really think you need to start investigating his phone/text messages, and maybe computer usage.

If you don't think you can do this without him finding out, then hire a PI. I think you will be shocked at what is found out.

VERY sorry you are going through this.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

mvorrath39 said:


> She frequently texts my husband more frequently than she did to me texting him to hang outside with her or meet her at all hours by the bus stop, go with her to doctors appointments which I have felt was a bit too personal then she started to invite strictly him to go hang out with her at her house. Anytime he would go outside to meet her he would tell me don’t follow me I don’t need a shadow wherever I go.....He would tell me that he’s a 48 year old man who can do whatever he wants to and that if I don’t like it then he’s more than happy to get a divorce. He’s told me that he’s not even so sure that he ever loved me.


For a woman to tolerate ANY of this from her husband or boyfriend, then what is going on here is your lack of self esteem. What he did or didn't do before doesn't matter. Your husband cheating on you and talking to you this way are what matters. You should have divorced him over this and then you would not have been around to be his flunky when he got sick, only for him to continue cheating and treating you this way. I cannot believe how many women have no self esteem that they put up with this kind of treatment and then wonder what is going on and don't know what to do. It is very disheartening. I realize it must be very hurtful to you, but you have to gather your wits about you during painful times instead of continuing to be the dutiful wife to a man that disrespects you so badly. Just so you know, he's not only cheating but he's probably hooked on meth too now.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

Would he be open to sitting down with you and a counselor to try and help you (and even himself) figure out what is going on in his mind? Based on your description, it seems like his behavior is very odd, and you probably have a lot of confusion you need to clear away before you can decide what to do next, and a third party intermediary may be a good way of understanding what is going on in his mind.

Also reflect on your marriage prior to the health conditions, were there issues which you both were just sweeping under the rug, that are now manifesting themselves post this intense and stressful period?


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## Fredrick (Aug 6, 2018)

This is really embarrassing moment to divorce nearest one. I even can't think about it. Because I have 2 children and my parents altogether.


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

So how is it that you are thinking that I have low self esteem? Most of the time we have been able to work our problems out and move on but now I don’t know what to think.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think your husband is feeling not his 'oats', he is feeling his death drawing ever closer.

He is throwing caution to the wind. 

He has given up. 

One last fling, one last chance at life. 

He too, has become 'unwound'.

Whatever is killing him health-wise, is tearing him apart mentally-unwise.

Diabetes is one of the most insidious diseases. His blood sugar goes up goes down, is unregulated.
His problems are Neptunian, an insidious influence.

Aye!
Our brains survive on 'sugar'. Too much... too little, Ach! not good.

Without getting to esoteric and opaque, know that both are symptoms of untoward effects of his genetic and from outside influences.
Both outside his control. His control. Some people seem to manage their genetic flaws and survive and manage the blows that life inflicts on us.

We have choices, we have some freedom. 


Some folks have not the mental means to employ the little freedom offered to us. 
Diabetes affects the brain. Knocks it for a loop. 
Unless one controls ones blood sugar, it controls us.

Knowing things, knowing right from wrong does not mean all will follow the right, not go left.

A shame this. This poor behavior from your husband. 

Let him go. Let him see how his new drugged up friends take care of him.
He needs to learn even 'harder' lessons. 

An ungrateful man he is. 
He is soon to die. Of diabetes, of foolishness.

His meth head lady pal wants his cash, not his ash. 
Nor his flesh pipe.


Lilith-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

mvorrath39 said:


> I’ve been trying to find other things to occupy my time and when I cook dinner if he’s not in the house for dinner then I’m not going to try to find him my kids and I eat dinner without him. I just feel a lot of resentment over the fact that he’s choosing to hang with her rather than be with the family. If I had not pushed for him to get to the doctor for his toe he probably wouldn’t be alive. His heart condition is so bad that his heart is 99% reliant on the pacemaker now.


Just wait until his new girl friend juices up his heart with meth. I hope his pacemaker can run fast, his heart can keep up, run lickety-split....not.

Make sure his life insurance is paid up.

This whole situation is not going to end well. 

Make no short-term changes in your marriage. 
Let this play out. 

Limit his funds, do not let him spend your accounts down while he gets a short-term high.
When he lost his big toe he lost his footing on life. 

Sorry you are here.


L-


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

We already have separate bank accounts so he can’t even access the funds from my checks I have already rerouted my checks to go into my own separate account because that’s what he wanted so I did it


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mvorrath39 said:


> So how is it that you are thinking that I have low self esteem? Most of the time we have been able to work our problems out and move on but now I don’t know what to think.


Because you don’t appear to have enough self worth in allowing your WH to treat you so badly. He is cheating on you right under your nose. You should be packing his stuff and kicking him out. Act like you believe him and go get him he divorce papers, go no contact, let the OW take care of him. No cooking, washing clothes etc.


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

Trust me I’m not making myself readily available right now I have just been cooking dinner for myself and the kids. I have known that he has prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy but I am not going to go get them. I’m going to let him file the divorce paperwork because I know that with him being on state disability he can file for free I’m not lifting a finger unless it’s for my kids


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

The thing is neither one of us do drugs I work for the local school district in my area and I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my job. I don’t know why he feels like he needs to have friends like that


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mvorrath39 said:


> The thing is neither one of us do drugs I work for the local school district in my area and I wouldn’t want to do anything to jeopardize my job. I don’t know why he feels like he needs to have friends like that


Why does anyone cheat? Because they can and cake eat too. I know it is painful for you going through this. Confide in siblings or close friend, do the 180 on him. Let him see what it is like to not have you or his family. Do your kids know? Is OW married?


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## mvorrath39 (Jun 10, 2015)

The kids know because he felt like they had the right to know and no the other woman is not married she’s divorced. When you initially see her for the first time one would think she’s homeless as well. She sits there out on the sidewalk and rocks back and forth. She’s a complete dog and you can tell she has done her fair share of crystal meth no teeth. He claims that they are just friends. Well why can’t I be able to come outside to say hello if you’re just friends? I’m the one who has been completely ostracized here.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

mvorrath39 said:


> So how is it that you are thinking that I have low self esteem? Most of the time we have been able to work our problems out and move on but now I don’t know what to think.


Because a person with a strong sense of self worth would not accept what your husband has that of you for more than a second, what he’s doing for longer than a millisecond, and how he is making you feel for less.

Plain and simple: he is having an affair and the only thing that might break it off is YOU filing, having him served, and having the courage to stand up to your cheating bully of a husband.

He makes me sick.

Btw, his heart was dead a year ago. He’s like death Vader, more of a machine than man. Don’t don’t turn to the dark side. Divorce the cheater.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

mvorrath39 said:


> Trust me I’m not making myself readily available right now I have just been cooking dinner for myself and the kids. I have known that he has prescriptions to pick up at the pharmacy but I am not going to go get them. I’m going to let him file the divorce paperwork because I know that with him being on state disability he can file for free I’m not lifting a finger unless it’s for my kids


Ah, yes....

You have cut him free, a thread of fine spider silk yet holds him close.

So fine, so fine it is. 

He sees it not.
He cares not.

He sees young forms, sees young hips, sees not his spitting image.

He is disabled, he can *state* disability with a straight face, a crooked smile.

The *State* will pay for his foolishness.
They will let him go free, let him fall on his face.

To they, the *State*, he is but a number. 
At home he was a Husband, a Father, an honorable Man.
A man worth saving.

Was, your husband was 'this'... some yesterdays ago. 


To this Meth head girl friend he is a man worth using, worth consuming.
The average Social Security full disability amount is about $1197.00 a month.

Good luck living on that.

Today he is a dreamer, an ogler of younger hips and boobs.
He is the boob, a deflated one.
Hanging low, hanging out in the open, hanging free with druggies.

If I have offended thee with this odd prose, please *state* it so.
I will *state* my apologies by ending this fluttering lip song.


TT-1


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

mvorrath39 said:


> The kids know because he felt like they had the right to know and no the other woman is not married she’s divorced. When you initially see her for the first time one would think she’s homeless as well. *She sits there out on the sidewalk and rocks back and forth.* She’s a complete dog and you can tell she has done her fair share of crystal meth no teeth. He claims that they are just friends. Well why can’t I be able to come outside to say hello if you’re just friends? I’m the one who has been completely ostracized here.


On this, after reading this, I feel compassion.

He found someone closer to death than he. 

Someone 'he' can help, can soothe.

Oh, my.

He is broken, he can hardly do life, get on board its train.

She is broken too. Sitting down, no energy, no spark.
She is desolate, decrepit, desperate.

He stands taller than she.

She is a ghost of a women.
He is a fragment of a man.

A strange thing this arrangement, this pairing of lost souls. 
I no longer feel contempt, I feel sadness.

For him, for her, for both of them.

God, what a world we live in.
One half Sad, the other Glorious.


Lilith-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If Post #18 be true, then my Post #20, be false.

She may have smaller hips, but she has no load bearing, no working legs under those hips.
She may be thin and lean, leaner not being feasible, possible.

She is on her way out.
Your husband not far behind.

gods, it is worse than I thought.


L-


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi mvorrath sorry ur here but welcome. To me it sounds like a couple of things First the near-death experience that made him reevaluate everything including what he has been missing. Ten a woman pays attention to him maybe more for his prescriptions than his body and yes he has probably had sex with her nasty ass and even though he has a bad heart she has probably got him to try some meth. So he's living dangerously. The point is be careful and its time to move on.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@mvorrath39, 

It sounds to me as if you are not confused at all. You know exactly what you need to do, and yet you do not want to do it. 

This is not a friendship. They are not "just friends." One doesn't give up wife, children, and family for someone who is "just a friend"--and yet based on his health issues and her drug use, who knows if they are having sex. Nonetheless, there is clearly emotional unfaithfulness going on. He promised to spend his life loving you, and that means 100% of his affection, loyalty and companionship are YOURS...and that leaves 0% for her. 

So @mvorrath39--you know what this is. You know but don't want it to be true. You aren't confused. It's an inappropriate relationship, they are far more than "just friends", he is being unfaithful, and if he chooses to divorce it is a sad, sad thing. 

Many people completely lose it when faced with their own mortality.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You don't have to investigate anything.......Your husband has checked out. File for that divorce and protect yourself financially and physically. Tell him to leave the dwelling. There is nothing to save here. The quicker you can get this behind you the less you and your kids will suffer. I am very sorry but you can do this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Fredrick said:


> This is really embarrassing moment to divorce nearest one. I even can't think about it. Because I have 2 children and my parents altogether.


Fredrick, are you talking about something else? Perhaps you could start a different thread?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Allow the full weight of the consequences of his behavior to fall directly upon HIM. But not upon you, or your children.

My wife's boss turned 50, and bought himself a "muscle car"....then he took up with a 28-year old skanky drug-addict. He was part of a family-owned business, and the family shunned him (applause), his wife kicked him out(applause), he was part of a police-supported neighborhood watch, and they canned him (applause). 

The skank got him in direct police trouble. He had to prove that he wasn't involved in drug-dealing, but he had an expensive and stressful year or so while these charges were finally dismissed. (applause)

He is one of the few who actually "woke up" from his dream hiatus upon life. He went back home to his wife (applause), worked on his marriage (applause), went back to his business (applause), achieved the re-acceptance of his extended family (applause).

But if the consequences had been interfered with by his family and business, and his relationship to some of the police officers, and his wife going around taking care of him ?? He probably would have just moved on to another skank.

The bible contains The Parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11-32. The following is verse 16:

_And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him._

They only come home by way of the pig trough. Make sure your H gets there. Don't lighten the burden for him.


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