# I just don't know......



## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

Hi

I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have 4 beautiful children together. We have always been happy. 

He is a country man and has simple tastes in life. He is a great father to our children and a great husband.

A few months ago, a dear friend lost his partner to suicide and spiralled into a deep depression. It was very frightening, I have never seen a man so destryoed in my entire life. We have always had a little crush on each other. He is 18 years my senior. I'm 40. I was his support person and during this time we both realised we actually love each other alot more than the friendship we had previously. We fell deeply in love. We are in love. We are in love with each other.

We have crossed every boundary and we know its wrong.

Definately we have tried to stop it and return to our previous way of just being good friends who love each other but are not "in love". It's like we are addicted to each other and can not get away. I feel like I would die without him.

He has never had children and does not really understand them.

We both share a love for poetry, art, literature, opera, the things my husband can't stand. He is well mannered, a gentleman, well spoken and educated. We are the same, it is so easy to be with him. 

I don't think I can give him up.............

We don't want to destroy everyone around us either because of this. I don't want my children or husband to be hurt as I love them all. My husband would be devestated.

I wish with my heart we could find a way out of this where everyone is happy and no-one gets hurt.....unlikely I know.

My heart is heavy with the guilt of it all. I loved my friend back to life and in the process fell so deeply in love with him that my own life has been shattered.

He is beside himself as well as he and my husband are good friends.

I have mentioned a few times in previous months to my husband that I thought this man was getting too close to me, he said, "Its o.k, he needs you, your allowed to love him" ????not sure he meant that much!

I'm scared for the future, and really not sure what to do next.

Gosh, what started out as pure love for a person in pain has turned into something that may destroy us all.

Well....thats it, just needed to get that out, any advice appreciated.

I'm just so sad for us all....x


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> *We don't want to destroy everyone around us either because of this. I don't want my children or husband to be hurt as I love them all. My husband would be devastated.*


Too late. Your selfish behavior has already seen to that. 

But even if you were to decide never to tell your husband about your affair, your conscience - which seems to be coming out - will torment you on a daily basis, making your life and the lives of those around you, very miserable.

You have two choices. Continue your affair until it is discovered or end it once and for all by never contacting the OM again. If you chose to end it, seek individual counseling because you will have your hands full with a guilty conscience.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

Thank you for your reply.

I feel your distane for me.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Yep, sorry, no one will feel sorry for you here. Your mind is under the influence of some powererfull drugs right now. You swallowed them up with ease. Now you have practically destroyed your husband's life and he dosn't know it yet.

I feel sorry for your husband and children for what you have done. I live with this every day and the pain is nearly unbearable. Like your husband, I gave my wife my trust. It is only those we love the most, and trust with our security, and love that can destroy us the most.

The only advice I can give is for you to take a step back and decide who you want to be with. Don't even think about having both....you cannot do that. Pick one. Now tell your husbend because he deserves to know. 

Deal with what you have done now.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

I am always amazed by the "My husband is wonderful but I screwed some one else" mentality.

My advice is to decide for sure one way or another. Stay with hubby or leave him. You are the one who strayed, broke the trust of the marriage and set these wheels in motion. Time to pay the piper. 

Tell the truth to your husband and allow him to decide how best to protect himself and his family in light of this. You have lost that right to be the protector for the family as you are the one destroying it.

Q~


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

JOS, you may want to stop reading this.... you are going to get blistered on this forum. I don't even know what you are trying to do by posting here.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Please don't take offense, but your husbands response is a bit confusing- maybe he wanted you to "take care of him" in that way. Again, a bit confusing. You said you didn't want to destroy what you had, but... well you've gone and did it, right? Before this ends up a long term affair, I suggest you let your husband in on your actions A.S.A.P


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

thank you all for you honesty I appreciate it.

I was not looking for anyones sympathy nor permission, just a sounding board for my own thoughts? I have just had surgery and have way too much time to think about things and over think things. I'm sure I can deal with this and get my own life back again.

I have just spoken to him and told him it's over and to stay clear of me effective immediately and have have just made an appointment for counselling and booked a family holiday away for us starting next Wednesday. It will do us good to reconnect.

I think I will see the pysch before I decide to tell my husband or not as I feel nothing good can be gained from him knowing. Certainly I would not want to know if it was him. This would only cause more pain.

Its over, my family always comes first of course.

thanks again for your forthright approach.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Dear Sophies Choice, Meryl Streep, or better still........










i'll give this a try. no need to lambast ya re: obvious right/wrong angles as yer apparent guilt has already done so.

i will say that God hates the sin but still loves you, your hubby will be shocked but still love u (no matter if he stays or leaves) over time as soon as he gets to the forgive/forget part of it all.

question is: "what is the right/honorable/thing to do, & can/will
u do it?" hopefully if the infidelity is no standard measure of yer character, then u'll be ok.

i cant answer that for ya. besides, u seem to imply u know the
answer already.

either way, all shall learn some painful (but necessary?) lessons
here, tks to all parties contributions to this fiasco.

only thing that puzzles me is, why so late in life do folks do these things? Mortality concerns/fears triggering utmost selfishness in us? hmmm, lemme consult/confer with Plato on
this one.:scratchhead:

dont mind the hurt "gentlemen" here. they're still somewhat wounded. 

its bittersweet no matter how ya slice it.

i ...........ray:ray:ray:.........4 u all...........


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

I agree, it is confusing. I have told him a few times I'm worried we were getting too close and he seems to think everything will be o.k in the end.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

thankyou for a ray of hope in getting my life back.

I have always known what is wrong and right and for 18 years never looked sideways at another man and have been the perfect wife and mother.

Guess we just got carried away in grief and life. Cared too much even though it was wrong it felt right and pure at the time. I have bought one man back to life and pretty much destoyed my own. I am an idiot, should never have done that. It's over. Just got to get on with it. x thank you for your advice, it was very helpful to me.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

thank you, I'm a big girl - I can take it


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I agree, you should see a Psych, but the secret you withhold from him is going to eat you up alive. Honestly, if you withhold this from him and decide to tell him later he's going to feel more hurt because if he is still on good terms with this person he's going to think it was going on longer than it actually was... see what I mean? You really should address this when you feel up to it. Keeping it(affair) from him is just as bad as continuing with the affair. You have to face-up to your indiscretions no matter how much collateral damage it might cost. You owe him at least that. 

Are you still in contact with OM?


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

I am trying my very best to get away. Its going to be tricky as he has such a part in our lives. We have all (yes including my husband) always been close, and yes I will cry for this loss, as I have every single day since it started (really only on the 20th of March) this was the first day we kissed - my birthday. 

He also works for our family business.

I know I am wrong I KNOW THAT! I will pay the price for the rest of my life on earth.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

If he was truly a friend of your husband, he would have NEVER have gotten involved with you no matter what the circumstances. You have to tell your husband, he has a right to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

I will see my Pysch first and comply with her directions. Thank you for your thoughts on this.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

thanks all - I'll let you all go on giving such great advice and go back to sorting out my own life. God bless us all x


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jos said:


> thank you all for you honesty I appreciate it.
> 
> I was not looking for anyones sympathy nor permission, just a sounding board for my own thoughts? I have just had surgery and have way too much time to think about things and over think things. I'm sure I can deal with this and get my own life back again.
> 
> ...


I hate what you did but I don't hate you. Hatred is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.

It's good that you got rid of the OM just don't be surprised if he tries to contact you again and again with 'promises of love' or 'we are meant to be together' and worse yet, 'my life has no meaning without you' type of emotionally manipulative crap. He was able to seduce you by exploiting your nurturing nature after the death of his spouse.

You screwed up royally but that doesn't mean that you cannot redeem yourself in the eyes of the ones you hurt and more importantly, in the eyes of the woman you hurt and who looks back at you in the mirror.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Good idea to talk to your psych first, she's a professional and will know how best to deal with your situation.

Fyi, my husband regrets not confessing his affair to me himself. I found out through a third party in a very traumatic way. Besides changing the obvious (not having the affair), that's the number one thing he wishes he could change. 

During/after my husband's affair, he felt shame every time someone said he was a great husband. He felt guilt whenever he saw or read something about infidelity. He felt unworthy whenever I mentioned how cool it was that neither of us had slept with or kissed anyone else for over 15 years. He felt like a liar and a cheat and struggled with carrying the guilt to the grave. He didn't want to be on his death bed someday confessing his infidelity. (Which would've been an extremely selfish thing to do by the way.) 

So, if you feel you'll need to unburden your guilty conscience at some point, better do it earlier than later. You don't want it festering in your soul, damaging the relationships you have, while you could be working to rebuild with truth and honesty.

Anyway, just be careful when making your decision and it's good you're getting counseling.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Holy crap! He works for your family business? This is pretty bad. How do you possibly go NC with this guy right in your face everyday, and your husband standing right there also. JESUS...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey jos---you know that you MUST go NC---that means he has to get another job somewhere else-----you can never see him/nor talk to him again

You may say that will hurt him---you did not take vows with this guy, and he is not to be thought of/treated nicely or with respect---cuz actually in all reality he is scum---he knowinly is a homewrecker---he knew you had 4 kids, he knows your H---yet he participated in the driving of a dagger thru your mge, and he participated willingly

He has caused you to become a deceitful, conniving, manipulating liar---who has looked into your H. eyes night after night and said everything was fine---any yet you go off and have your escapade----You have alread described one very deceit laden instance of conversation with your H

So please do not be sad for this 58 yr old cretin---he has already wrecked YOUR life---do you think you are going to ever really be carefree, gay, have peace of mind again---your deep dark dirty little secret, that you are gonna attempt to take to the grave will fester, and grow---You will always now be looking over your own shoulder trying to make sure what you have done never gets out---you can never get to really drunk, lest you in a drunken stupor "out yourself"

In actuality your H., in his gut may even now have a warning something is/was going on

If your H does not do all the things you like to do---that is your fault, as you obviously never insisted he do things you also like in the mge---by insist---I mean FORCEFULLY IF NECESSARY---and then you use that as a justification for having your tryst.

Whether you tell or not---your mge will never be the same---for you will never be the same no matter what---and if you do tell nuclear winter will settle on all those around you---and in all actuality your kids lives will be ruined forever---but you know all of this don't you

Whatever else you do---this guy MUST GO, out of your life completely---your NC is to be by e-mail----no face to face---no phone call---and he must be removed from working for your family---

No one knows but you, why he has to go---but go he must----If you have any hope of saving anything about the rest of your life, and mge., and the lives of your kids---go he must


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

This man is too close to your family for your husband to be kept in the dark. He is your husband's friend; he works for your business. As long as your husband remains ignorant of the truth, you will be in regular contact with the other man, and thus a portion of you will *always* be unavailable to your husband.

I know you don't want to tell him because he doesn't know yet (you think) and telling him now that you're taking some steps to end it will cause him more pain. Notice I said "taking steps." You haven't actually ended it yet - it will never end until your husband knows and this other man is out of your life completely.

In addition, in examining my own feelings about my husband's affair, I find it's not the affair that causes me the most grief (it causes plenty - don't get me wrong there), it is the lies. Constant lying, compounding half-truth on top of untruth that makes me question if any memory I have of our lives together is actually true.

I've told my kids since they were very little, "lying always makes it worse." I had to remind my husband of that lesson yesterday. I can handle the truth and find a way to work with it; I cannot handle any more lies.

In short, I suggest you confess. This thing won't really be over until you do. It will just fester like a cancer and spread through your entire relationship.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I don't think she liked the fact that she has to come clean to her husband. On top of that, this guys works for the family business- What a disaster. I really hope she does the right thing, because it seems she thinks going "cold-turkey" with this guys is gonna work. I don't think she has it in her plans to let this guy go(from work), but how is she going to go NC with him right there.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

That's her problem---she can't go NC, until he is gone

He is not a friend, based on his willingness to be a homewrecker---he needs to be fired, dismissed whatever---For the mge., to make it, his leaving is a no brainer---he has to go---he must be out of all of their lives completely---that's the consequences of his willingness to cheat with another mans wife


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its very easy to confuse emotions. You probably saved his life, and no doubt developed strong emotions. When you realized you were crossing the line you should have changed paths. Its not too late to do what's right. You must choose. You cannot have them both and you cannot lie or hide this. You say you don't want to hurt your family. Its too late for that. Likely your husband even knows but might not be willing to admit it. By continuing this affair you will destroy him. So make a choice, be prepared to take the consequences. Remember though, whatever choice you make you cannot change our mind. If you truly do not love your husband, then let him go. Let him find someone else to love him, he deserves that. Can you handle that? You have to choose, what you are doing is not fair.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

First, decide if you want to have husband or OM. Meaning, do you want the all aspects life that your husband / family provides, or all aspects of life that divorce and going with the OM provide. This is the first thing you have to decide. The first thing you have to stop is Cake Eating. If you decide you want OM, tell your husband and get a divorce. If you decide you want husband / kids / current life, then make a plan. Your plan has to account for terrible pain that you will feel. Accept that it is part of the plan. But basically the plan is:
-- Tell your husband, accept that he may not want to stick with you. But if he does:
-- Show 100% remorse
-- Tell your children what you did. Tell everyone in your life what you did. Accept full responsiblity for being wrong.
-- Eliminate the OM from your lives 100% (fire him from work, no more contact ever) and take precautions that you will never contact him or be contacted by him again.
-- Plan and accept that there will be a period of withdrawal for you, you will be very hurt, confused, unhappy, depressed for a period of time. 
-- Plan and accept that your family will be hurt for a period of time.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I agree, you should see a Psych, but the secret you withhold from him is going to eat you up alive. Honestly, if you withhold this from him and decide to tell him later he's going to feel more hurt because if he is still on good terms with this person he's going to think it was going on longer than it actually was... see what I mean? You really should address this when you feel up to it. Keeping it(affair) from him is just as bad as continuing with the affair. You have to face-up to your indiscretions no matter how much collateral damage it might cost. You owe him at least that.
> 
> Are you still in contact with OM?


I agree that withholding is not a good idea. I didn't even know the person my H was involved with. When I found her e-mails to him he stonewalled for a few days and then gave me an altered version of what really happened. My H misled me about the true extent of his relationship with the OW for about a year post D-day. The inconsistencies mounted up and he finally fessed up. His trying to cover his a** made everything so much worse that it set us back almost to square one. It is the lying and the hiding that do the most damage. Affairs have a way of being discovered, and finding out by accident is worse than being told the truth right off the bat.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

Well I told my Husband, 

He said "babe, I love you so much and always will and I will never stop you from doing what makes you happy in your life, and if he is want you want right now, and it makes you happy, I can see you both need each other as your both emotional wrecks, I suppose then it's o.k with me as long as I get sex as well" Typical!!! 

so??????????????? there you go to all you negative agressive males!!! THAT is how to be the best husband on the planet fricken earth. Not all men are like cave men. 

We only have today everyone, thats it, be happy in your life and treasure love when it comes your way.

You can not make someone love you, the hurt your feeling is valid, but it will pass with time and hopefully, you will find love again one day x


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

AND........he does not mind our friendship either, in fact he called him "your new boyfriend" in a nice way, no malice at all.

I love my husband so much and now understand and remember why will be be together forever. We respect each others freedom and right to happiness. xx

Good luck everyone, I won't be back on here again as it is waaayyyyyyy too negative for me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

her H is one sad imitation of a man!!!!!!!!!


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

lol wrong! he is the ultimate man x We have never been closer, better friends, better lovers than we are right now. I am so happy and so lucky to have 2 beautiful men in my life that both love me so much. 
I realise it's not conventional, but love exists in different ways sometimes. I was a bit shocked as well to say the least.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

x


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

jnj express said:


> her H is one sad imitation of a man!!!!!!!!!


He's probably getting his from elsewhere too.


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## jos (Apr 13, 2011)

interesting you say that, we spoke about that, but no he says he is not and I believe him.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

To each their own I guess! I am glad you told him the truth. If you're going to have an open marriage, then at least he's aware of it. Be prepared, someday you will need to grant him the same freedom. He may not want it or have it now, but new boundaries of your marriage have been set, you both get to follow the same rules.

Good luck!


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

jos said:


> x


Sorry. I do not believe a word you said. There may be beta or charlie males out there who could possibly accept that, but you know the alpha brooks no poaching and your man sounds like no alpha if what you are relating here is true.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

I really doubt this is how it went down since you're kinda throwing it in people's faces. I mean, I don't sense the surprise and relief in that post seeing as you were so tormented by having to tell him. Also, if he's ok with it he's either glad because he's been straying or strayed himself and you no longer have the moral highground or he's just been given permission. Think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What a great exemple to set for your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

damn shame...


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

He's just in shock. You suprised him. What was he supposed to say? He will have planty of time to think about it later, and if he cares at all about you it will crush him.

Or, perhaps some guys don't care. Good luck! I applaud you for at least doing the right thing and telling him, and I hope it works out well for both of you.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

cmon guys , she's just a troll .


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

bestplayer said:


> cmon guys , she's just a troll .


Wow, finally heard this term on this forum, thank you jos and bestplayer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

What the h*ll, you have got to be a troll. Or your husband has got you eyed as a loss, and has got a someone also and does not really care. I can not believe this happened from a man, it makes no sense. If my wife says she slept with my best friend, I would be pissed. It,s not just the act, it the fact she did not ask me first. If she said I'm falling in love with him. Then said he wants to have sex. I think I would have to have a talk with him. How can you love your husband and his best friend to have sex with both. You must have had a hard childhood to think this way. I will not share my wife with anybody, unless I was dying. If my wife wants to have a open marriage, I might go with that. Ask first to let me know to use protection. I want my wife to be happy, but I think it's a little much to to let my best friend have sex with her. Males, good decent males will never do that ever. Would you want your kids to know this ? I could not handle that.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

hey girl, I am not one to judge, I am a former WS, now LS, me and my hubby were both messed up, as he is I believe a former WS, now LS, my advice is to fess up, did you just kiss him, or did you sleep with him? Get rid of him, fess up to husband first, and go from there, from what I read you ended things with him, good for you, now you need to cut him out of your lives completely.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

now let's not be too harsh on her, she came here, knowing what she did was wrong, I believe most of you here know my story, if not check it out, she knows what she is doing is wrong, let's not hold her hand but not be so harsh.

I guess how do we know if she's a troll? I haven't come across many here, please enlighten me.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

What's a "troll?" I am pretty sure it's not something I would aspire to be. LOL. Just don't know what it means.


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

Kcrat said:


> What's a "troll?" I am pretty sure it's not something I would aspire to be. LOL. Just don't know what it means.


That's a very good question, that's never been explained to me. Also, I think she's been run out of town.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

... I guess... whatever floats your boat. I knew it was fishy that he let you spend so much time with him, if this is a "true" story????


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jos said:


> AND........he does not mind our friendship either, in fact he called him "your new boyfriend" in a nice way, no malice at all.
> 
> I love my husband so much and now understand and remember why will be be together forever. We respect each others freedom and right to happiness. xx
> 
> Good luck everyone, I won't be back on here again as it is waaayyyyyyy too negative for me.


By the way did you ask your husband if HE had anybody on the side? Should be interesting if he does and moreso your reaction to it.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Might want to go to church. Ask God to forgive you. Of course he will probably ask you to stop being .. oh never mind.. just go to church, and bring a fire extinguisher just in case. 


:FIREdevil:Good Luck!:FIREdevil:


I got nothing good for ya.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

paramore said:


> now let's not be too harsh on her, she came here, knowing what she did was wrong, I believe most of you here know my story, if not check it out, she knows what she is doing is wrong, let's not hold her hand but not be so harsh.
> 
> I guess how do we know if she's a troll? I haven't come across many here, please enlighten me.


she's a troll because her story doesn't add up . She's says her H is ok with her sleeping with his best friend as long as he's getting sex from her . That sounds more like a made up story .


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

bestplayer said:


> she's a troll because her story doesn't add up . She's says her H is ok with her sleeping with his best friend as long as he's getting sex from her . That sounds more like a made up story .


I agree, it is extremely unlikely that her husband was so totally and emotionally disconnected that her confession didn't faze him one bit. And in the event that she is telling the truth, I suspect that there is something going on with her husband that she has yet to find out.


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