# Do we need a reason to leave?



## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

So I am sitting here reading thread after thread, trying to make sense of where I am at mentally. I suppose my only question left after this entire roller coaster is: Do we need a reason to leave?

If we are so unhappy, why do we stay? 

For me, it is guilt. What is your reason? I mean it has to be a good one because it is weighing on us so heavily that we can't pack our bags.


----------



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

I think my biggest reason is fear. Fear of failing at the whole marriage thing - fear of making a mistake and letting go someone who at one point made me happy - fear of ending up alone - fear of not finding someone else to have a family with.

In the end, I believe it is mostly fear. While I still love my husband, I am not sure that with everything that has happened between us that is my reason for staying right now. Maybe it should be, but I know it is not.


----------



## ButterflyKisses (Aug 30, 2010)

Hope.


----------



## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Hope and fear... I'll admit I feel those right now also.


----------



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Agree with Isabellam. Fear. Fear of failing, realizing afterwards the person you walked away from was the best thing you had or will have. Fear of always being lonely no matter what. For me, fear I already have no other friends. My H was best friend, connected at hip. Now...miss not having my individual freindships. Seen posted here marriage should be a "you" "me" and "we". Never has been a "me" that I recall over last 18 yrs. What ever H wanted to do go, I did. Always felt to be the best wife ever, put him on pedestal, make him feel worshiped, the only thing ever important in my life, he even said use to be on sexual level, I made him always feel like the 'man' the best 'man' ever. I don't anymore. I realize I lost myself along way and feel only way to find myself, get a "me" is to be on own. With daughter of course. I'm 40, feel if don't get over these FEARS soon, it will be too late and not only ruin what's left of my life...but not fair to what's left of his. Although he differs. He already feels at his age (11 yrs my senior) without me he has nothing. Fear and guilt is my answer.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I left when I no longer loved my wife.

Bob


----------



## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

For me its the thought of knowing how much I love my husband and how badly I want our marriage to be right and then seeing that all along it was me that he didnt want to be married to. Seeing him be happy and treat another woman the way that he should have treated me. I want him to be happy but in the same breath not if its not with me. Pretty selfish huh?


----------



## trying01 (Sep 13, 2010)

I stay because of several reasons. The biggest reason is me. I'm not ready to say that it's over, because in my heart I honestly don't think it is. He hasn't cheated - has never lied - is loyal, etc. He does love me and has a lot of good qualities BUT his bad qualities overpower them and he has said a lot of things that have deeply hurt me and he has a short fuse. I'm not perfect either, but I am doing my part to make things better and I have been going to individual counseling and I've noticed a big change in myself. I'm feeling at this point that until he goes to counseling and really tries like I have been we'll be on two different "levels" and will continue to struggle. Me with his mean words and extreme anger and him with my cold, indifferent personality towards him. Its like this vicious cycle, but I'm confident we can break it - maybe I'm wrong and only time will tell, but I'm going to give it some time because if I didn't I know I'd be second guessing myself for the rest of my life.


----------



## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I left when I no longer loved my wife.
> 
> Bob


Do you mind if I ask what made you stop loving your wife?


----------



## karilynn (Feb 17, 2010)

Jeff my reason for staying is the same as yours....guilt. Guilt that I am betraying a promise - a vow - that I made to love this person and be with this person until death. That is definately the reason that I stay.

Although I will say that I am not completely unhappy. I am happy with myself and my kids and I don't really mind my husband all that much....I love my life, my friends, my job and feel very lucky and grateful every day to have what I have. 

I know I need to end it - I guess I'm just not there yet.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

midwestshopgrl said:


> Do you mind if I ask what made you stop loving your wife?


I’ve just read your initial post Midwestshopgrl. I’ll give you my answer, maybe it’ll have meaning for you but I don’t think so.

Why did I stop loving my wife? My wife had two characters. One was a very responsible adult and this is the person I was in love with. The other was a little girl who was convinced she could get away with deceiving me. This little girl did get away with it for a very long time. When I discovered a deception she would tell me lies to try and cover up. When she could see her lies weren’t working she’d blame me for her behaviour and at the same time minimise the emotional affect it had on me. It’s a fair description of a covert narcissist.

The last time round with yet another deception and the lies, blaming and minimising that followed quite literally gave me a nervous breakdown. I could have handled the truth, that would have been easy. But she’d never “own up”. I was never going to go through it again so I stopped loving my wife.

I did put personal boundaries up and I did offer MC. She ignored my boundaries and refused MC so for me it was the end. She’s always had that little girl in her ever since I met her. But I just had no more patience and tolerance for her anymore. I needed to grow up and I couldn’t do that while held locked as a patient, tolerant and forgiving parent to a little girl. No matter how much I was in love with her.

Bob


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

jeffreygropp said:


> So I am sitting here reading thread after thread, trying to make sense of where I am at mentally. I suppose my only question left after this entire roller coaster is: Do we need a reason to leave?
> 
> If we are so unhappy, why do we stay?
> 
> For me, it is guilt. What is your reason? I mean it has to be a good one because it is weighing on us so heavily that we can't pack our bags.


When we’ve been married for a long time it sometimes takes a massive, traumatic event to walk away from it. Additionally marriage truly is an institution and we wonder what on earth we’re going to do once we’re outside of it. There is fear associated with the unknown.

If you still have love and hope you will more than likely stay in the institution of marriage with your wife. If both love and hope are gone then you will more than likely take a risk on the unknown and leave.

I knew what my future held for me if I stayed in my marriage with my wife. I knew what it would be like in my 70s and maybe 80s. I knew my future if I stayed in my marriage because of my past in my marriage. Plus I actually believed the bad things would get a lot worse as we got older and the good things between us would mean less to me. I couldn’t tolerate that vision of my future and got out. I have never regretted it even though it’s cost me a lot of money and my life was in turmoil for a while.

Bob


----------



## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Yes, my fear is how my kids will look at me for leaving (s17 d14), especially for reasons I do not feel are appropriate to tell kids.


----------



## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I have to much love and hope to walk away from this man. We both have flaws, I recognize that. We both want to work on them and grow stronger as lovers, partners and parents. 

He's one of the best men I have ever met and I appreciate him to much to give up.

Two reasons I would walk away are adultery or physical/emotional abuse. I have no reason to believe or even suspect him being unfaithful and he's never hurt any of us.


----------



## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Some people probably don't need a reason. But they aren't the ones looking for marriage advice on a message board. 

I share a lot of the reasons as a lot of you. Failure is a big one. Fear is another.


----------



## Julie19 (Jun 5, 2010)

At the core, I think there is always a reason. A reason that should be well thought out and communicated with your spouse. Because, who knows, maybe there's a mis-communication or a mis-perception that, once understood, can lead to reconciliation and relationship growth. On the other hand, maybe there is a deeper reason that is not yet known, but may discovered, making the choice to stay in or leave the marriage much easier for both to cope with in the long term.

In my situation, I have been ready to pull the plug on the marriage for the last month because it seems right to my gut. But, I have not because I want to discover why my intuition seems to be pulling me in that direction. I am searching, observing, reflecting and getting answers, which lead to more questions, but with the help of my psychologist, I am also getting clarity, and more importantly, the chance to move out of the painful situation in the best way.

I wish you the best. And I encourage you for both your sakes to find the reason. The sense of not knowing can be more painful than knowing even the worst.


----------



## midwestshopgrl (Sep 24, 2010)

AFEH said:


> When we’ve been married for a long time it sometimes takes a massive, traumatic event to walk away from it. Additionally marriage truly is an institution and we wonder what on earth we’re going to do once we’re outside of it. There is fear associated with the unknown.
> 
> If you still have love and hope you will more than likely stay in the institution of marriage with your wife. If both love and hope are gone then you will more than likely take a risk on the unknown and leave.
> 
> ...


thank you Bob for sharing with me. I too feel as if my husband acts as if he is a child. He is always the victom constantly blaming everyone for the way his life is. I have tried to be his rock for so many years and all it did is seem to drive him away. This is very hard to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

midwestshopgrl said:


> thank you Bob for sharing with me. I too feel as if my husband acts as if he is a child. He is always the victom constantly blaming everyone for the way his life is. I have tried to be his rock for so many years and all it did is seem to drive him away. This is very hard to deal with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife, as far as I know didn't blame anyone else but me for her mistakes. She saw herself as "perfect" and incapable of making mistakes. So if something went wrong it sure must have been my fault. I had that blame exclusively lol. Was far from funny though.

Bob


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I totally agree with that fear makes us all stay in the marriage. We rather repair it than fight for depression.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

My fear is if I must leave my husband and end marriage, I'll suicide myself. I'm not able to get out of depression.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cayest (Feb 4, 2010)

For me it's not hope, not fear and not guilt - at least not towards my husband - it's the guilt I would feel towards my children. That is the ONLY reason I stay. I am so unhappy in my marriage (more like numb), but I stay because I feel would feel guilty about divorce.


----------

