# Truth vs Pain



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

I discovered my wife's infidelity (EA/PA) about 5 weeks ago. I picked up her BBerry and saw an inappropriate communication, then snooped and found something I wish I hadn't. Before then the relationship was pretty good, since then not so much.

She cares a lot for this man (married and lives in a different city) and deeply regrets hurting me.

We've done all the right things on paper. Seen a counsellor, committed to working on relationship, and she told me communication with this man has stopped.

I feel like I don't want to ask a question that I don't want the answer to and I don't want to see things anymore that will hurt me.

Right now this feeling is stronger than my desire for knowledge (I suspect they are still in contact and closure will take some time). This seems to not be how things are supposed to go from here.

I would appreciate any comments on the trade off for absolute truth vs avoiding pain.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's your marriage. You decide what you want to know or what you don't want to know.

My advice is to definitely get in counselling. All contact must completely be stopped with him if you have any chance at reconciliation.

Do you know how long the affair was/is happening for? 

My personal story: I asked for graphic sexual details and would not advise that. At all. Granted, I wanted to know who/when/how, etc and he told me but I deeply regret asking the sexual details. I personally could have been just fine w/o imagining his d!ck in her mouth. Sorry if that's crass but yeah... I wish I didn't know that.

There was a line in True Blood once where the idiot bro finds something out and he says

_"People are always trying to f*** up people’s lives by tellin’ lies about ‘em. You wanna really f*** somebody’s life up? Tell the truth about ‘em. They ain’t never gonna be the same.”_

So true.


----------



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

I'm with Jellybeans. Ask what you absolutely need to know, and no more. Graphic details don't help. I know just enough that the mind movies are not nearly as bad as they were, but I don't know enough that it will affect my relationship for the rest of our lives. 

Get into marriage and individual counseling and work on yourself as well as the marriage. And demand full transparency to see if the relationship is still going on. Don't accept half-measure, find out what you need to know and make sure that the relationship has ended and that NC will be obeyed by your wife. 

Stay strong, good luck!
SM


----------



## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Everyone's different and there are no "rules" for what you have to ask and know about. I was one who needed to know every last detail... painful to get extracted from her, but frankly it was less than my imagination. That's not usually the case, I think. Do what's right for you regarding info. But take way stronger actions regarding how its getting handled on her part. Her telling you there's no more contact isn't good enough. She needs to prove it, allow you transparency, see the NC communication and any response....


----------



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I agree with 2xloser.. I needed to know everything. And what I found out was not nearly as bad as I had imagined. I am pretty sure that finding out the details was good for me. But I will be the first to admit that 6 months out those details haunt me a little.

It is up to you. And I don't think it really matters. You are gonna feel bad no matter what you know or what you imagine. And knowing dosn't completly stop the imagination because you will probably not believe everything you hear.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

not trying to pile on, but an affair descovered is generally a lot worse than admitted to. be ready.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Its a risk. You may hear it was less than what you imagine, but you may also hear (and what I think your fear is) that she did things with the other man that she has never done with you.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to contact the other guys wife, and let her know what is going on, and do it immediately, and you do not have to tell your wife

Do this for 2 reasons---1st she has right to know the kind of scum she is living with, so she can make an INFORMED DECISION about how to conduct the rest of her life----and 2nd---she can help you keep a lid on contact tween the two lovers, should it still be going on.


----------



## bobbie (Jun 1, 2011)

A difficult, thought-provoking issue. In ‘Truth Games’ Truth Games: Amazon.co.uk: Bobbie Darbyshire: Books a man, fearing to lose his wife, gives her leave to take lovers. The issue of how much he wants to know, needs to know, is excruciatingly painful to him. He wins out in the end because she comes to value his constant love, but it might not have ended that way, and his path was a tough one.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Looking to heal said:


> I feel like I don't want to ask a question that I don't want the answer to and I don't want to see things anymore that will hurt me.


If you don't want the truth and can't handle the pain, then by all means, sweep it under the rug. It's a lot less painful to stick your head in the sand. False R is great! 

Maybe when your WW actually tells you she is leaving for the OM and doesn't love you anymore, that pain will be less.


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

I am in counselling and we are in counselling. One session in and so far so good.

Affair started November last year.

Mostly an EA. Cannot really see each other (in different cities) but did get together on a couple occasions.

We have both read After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring. Counsellor recommended a book Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel which we are reading and is blowing my mind.

I do have a lot to work on.

I am not talking about the graphic details of the sex. I am talking about not wanting to invest my time policing/checking from here.

I hate this and everyone is saying this needs to be done.

I'm not convinced I want to reconcile but we have 3 young kids and my parents divorced when I was young. I don't want to put them through that.

The counselling will over time push us towards the steps necessary towards reconciliation open communication etc.

I am kind of afraid of this step and not really sure what to expect.

I don't want to contact his wife (not yet). I feel its leverage that I have that I would lose.

I'm still not sure what I want to do.


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> If you don't want the truth and can't handle the pain, then by all means, sweep it under the rug. It's a lot less painful to stick your head in the sand. False R is great!
> 
> Maybe when your WW actually tells you she is leaving for the OM and doesn't love you anymore, that pain will be less.


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Not sure I want R or false R.

It would be less painful to separate right now for me and rebuild but kids involved. Thinking about them.

It seems to me people who have been cheated on feel a lack of power and control and the fix is to exert deliberate excess power and control.

They need to feel their actions will influence the outcome. I'm not sure this is true but hey, I'm new at this and taking things one day at a time.


----------



## totallyconfused (Mar 20, 2009)

Is contacting the OM's wife always a good idea? My worry was always that if I told her, the OM's wife might divorce OM, and then the OM might make a renewed play for my wife. Has that scenario happened for others? Was the outcome not what you wanted?

Of course, if that's all that was holding my wife back, I could also convince myself I should just tell the OM's wife and let the chips fall where they may.

Strange as it sounds, I was also worried about the OM's kids. I have no idea what the dynamics of their family are or what they are like or what blowing open their parents' marriage would do to those kids, who are as innocent in all this as our kids. It felt like telling the OM's wife was interfering in their family as much as his affair with my wife was interfering in mine.

Ultimately, I decided that if we are going to R, then my wife has to choose not to cheat, even if OM tries to contact her. Simple as that.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Looking to heal said:


> I don't want to contact his wife (not yet). I feel its leverage that I have that I would lose.
> 
> I'm still not sure what I want to do.


First you need to decide what you want. And also you need to tell the OM's wife. Today. And don't tell your wife beforehand so the OM and your wife can get their stories straight. The reason for telling her is that it exposes the affair and affairs strive under secrecy. it changes the entire dynamic of the affair. More importantly: OM's wife has a right to KNOW the truth about her marriage to him. This is paramount. By keeping the affair a secret you are actually enabling the affair. 



totallyconfused said:


> Is contacting the OM's wife always a good idea? My worry was always that if I told her, the OM's wife might divorce OM, and then the OM might make a renewed play for my wife.


If that happens, and your wife goes for it, then your wife is not truly committed to you in the first place. If you don't tell as a ploy to keep her around and for the fear that you may lose her, then you are betraying your own self. I can't think of anything worse than staying with someone who doesn't want to be with you of their own volition.I firmly believe the betrayed spouse has a right to know every single time.


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Looking to heal said:


> I don't want to contact his wife (not yet). I feel its leverage that I have that I would lose.


Food for thought.

You will not have this "leverage" for long. Two things that might be worth thinking about here.. One, they will rebuild the truth and damage control, minimizing, etc... will happen. If you think they (especially OM) aren't not thinking in terms of damage control 24 hours a day, that would be a huge mistake. The world is not stopping while you digest this and figure out when and how you can deal with it. Holding this "leverage" is a terrible idea for a number of reasons. 

That's actually the 2nd thing, "leverage" you really need to examine that thought. This information is NOT leverage. As you point out in your next post your perception that people who have been victims of infidelity overcompensate with power and control because they believe they are somehow effecting the results... Well along the same vien of thought, you think this information is leverage or "political capital" which you can somehow use to effect or manipulate this process. It's not. It's just the TRUTH. That's all. It's not a tool to manipulate or hold over people. You use this information for _that reason_, you poison it's value. Do the 'right thing' for the 'right reasons' let the cards fall where they may. Be _that guy_.

Think that through. I know you wish that you didn't know what you know right now because the wounds are deep and very raw right now... set aside the armor, try to put yourself in another place and ask yourself honestly. If this man's wife found out on her own that her husband was having an affair with your wife, would you want to know? wouldnt you _deserve_ to know??


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Food for thought.
> 
> You will not have this "leverage" for long. Two things that might be worth thinking about here.. One, they will rebuild the truth and damage control, minimizing, etc... will happen. If you think they (especially OM) aren't not thinking in terms of damage control 24 hours a day, that would be a huge mistake. The world is not stopping while you digest this and figure out when and how you can deal with it. Holding this "leverage" is a terrible idea for a number of reasons.
> 
> ...


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Thanks for your post. It is incredibly helpful. Leverage does seem like a dirty manipulative word. I am not thinking straight right now.

Most people probably have been aware of someone else having an affair at some point and ask themselves whether they should turn that person in or not. It is a huge decision and feels a little bit like playing God.

Thanks again for your words. Very helpful.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

OM already brought pain to his wife, that was his decision. She didn't have any say in what he did. It's not your secret to keep. She deserves just as you do, the right to decide the course of her marriage and family. Playing God? Hardly. She deserves to know what kind of scumbag she is married to. Show a little compassion to another betrayed soul so she can make the decision for herself. This is about doing the right thing.

I guess if the shoe were on the other foot, and the OMs wife found out first that her husband was f*cking your wife, you wouldn't want to know.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Looking to heal said:


> Not sure I want R or false R.
> 
> It would be less painful to separate right now for me and rebuild but kids involved. Thinking about them.


Your wife can also chose to end the marriage. Why not prepare yourself legally and financially for the worse as though she has already filed?

Here's a sobering statistic for you. Women initiate divorce proceedings 2/3 of the time. Her affair is proof that she has already replaced you emotionally and physically with another man. She is a MWINO (married woman in name only) and only needs a divorce certificate to make it official.

Preparing yourself legally and financially doesn't mean that you will end the marriage but simply shows that you are ready if that is the outcome. 



> It seems to me people who have been cheated on feel a lack of power and control and the fix is to exert deliberate excess power and control.
> 
> They need to feel their actions will influence the outcome. I'm not sure this is true but hey, I'm new at this and taking things one day at a time.


Most betrayed spouses get sucker punched when they discover that their spouse has been unfaithful. Many do the wrong things - cry, plead, threaten, etc - and only end up making the situation worse. They cannot accept the fact that the marriage they knew is gone forever.

Betrayed spouses need to emotionally heal FIRST. The healing cannot and should not dependent on your unfaithful spouse for assistance - or for that matter anybody elses. This is a personal battle between the best inside of you vs the toxic twins of anger and bitterness. The fact that you have children together means that, married or not, BOTH of you will have to learn to act civil towards one another for everybody's benefit. 

*True reconciliation should be a mutual effort* where the unfaithful spouse more than willingly carries the heavy load to prove him/herself worthy of another chance and the betrayed spouse prove that he/she is fighting to let go of the affair in order to move on to a better life and marriage with his/her spouse.

You're not doing anybody a favor by sitting on the fence. If you do not have the emotional fortitude for true reconciliation then convey this to your wife.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If you're not feel'in it- Why stay? Your kids are going to see the unhappiness of your decision- BELIEVE THAT. You can't put a "happy face" all the time for their sake, they're too smart for that. They will know that things are a little off. You have to do what's right for you.


----------

