# Wife wants to go on a date. I don't.



## HerToo

My heart is dead. The passion is gone. Counseling has not changed that in any way. Still trying, not sure why.

Now my wife asks me this morning "Do you want to go out on a date tonight?". My answer is "Where?". Not "Yes". See the difference? I did right after I said it.

Nothing sounds like it would be fun with her. Sorry to sound like the 100% a-hole I feel like I'm being, but I have to be honest to myself. I lied enough during my EA.

Movie? No
Bowling? No
Casino? No
Shopping? Hell no!
Dinner? That's a normal thing. She doesn't cook. I do.
Drinking? No
Dancing? I don't
Anything else? No

What do I do now? Fake it (behavioral lie)? Or treat her like a room mate and just go somewhere?

Crap!!!


----------



## RunningOnEmpty

Divorce her.


----------



## HerToo

I'm still in the marriage because I promised to try. Others have told me to "do everything you can".


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tell her the truth and get divorced. You owe it to her. Why keep her dragging along when you know your not going to fix your relationship? Why do you keep lying to her? It's obvious you don't love or respect her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

HerToo said:


> I'm still in the marriage because I promised to try. Others have told me to "do everything you can".



doesn't sound like you're trying in all honesty

multitude of fun things to do in that list and you don't want to do a single thing

to me it sounds if she could suggest the most exciting thing in the world to do and you would still wouldn't want to go, to you it's her and not the activity

thus you are now starting to string her along and punishing her for your affair by keeping her in limbo when you can't even muster up the emotional strength to try a date


----------



## HerToo

You nailed it Almost. It's not the event, it's becoming her. And I don't like how that feels. That's cruel. 

Yes, I had the affair. And I deserve to be punished, not her. 

I'll do what I did for Thanksgiving. Go, and not ruin it. I'll see how it goes, and how it feels. 

@MissEmma: I had the EA several months back. Wife forgave me, never assigned any heavy lifting, so I did it myself. I've been going to counseling for myself. She sees no need for MC. She is also not going to IC. I gave 100% of my heart to my AP. Got caught, AP said "See ya!". Learned that wife and I grew apart long ago. No passion left. Trying to get it back. Nothing has worked. Starting to get angry and frustrated at myself even more for not getting it back. I feel like a Class A A-hole as a result.


----------



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT

You may have promised to try but what are you trying? It's clear you want it over so end it and make it easier on you both. Trust me limbo is the worst thing for everyone involved. Move on and let her start the process of moving on as well.


----------



## HerToo

I'm going to counseling. I spend all my spare time with her. But it's only going to the gym, eating dinner (I cook, she never learned how - not a problem for me), and doing chores. I'm gone 12 hours a day for work/commuting. I sleep with her next to me, I touch her, kiss her, hug her, and talk with her. 

Nothing is "clear" to me. If it was, I'd be in the next forum after this.


----------



## Almostrecovered

you're not engaging in activities that require you to interact

you are merely working out next to each other
you cook while she's in the other room I suppose (so why not teach her and get conversation going while you teach?)
eating dinner together is about the only possible interactive thing you do it sounds and I truly wonder if you're just sitting there in silence as you each pick at your food.

start finding things to do that require that you interact and talk and have fun times


----------



## HerToo

I love her, but I don't have passion for her. Slightly in love? I can't feel any. Sex, yes. Making love, no. Afterwards, I feel like I used her. 

The stigma of being a cheater carries over. But it's getting better. I used to not care about anything, but that was after being caught and dumped. That's changed as well. 

We've talked about things to do together. We can't agree. Mostly my fault.


----------



## HerToo

Everyday life is consumed with thoughts of my situation. I don't feel void. I have plenty of emotions again. I joke around, laugh, concentrate seriously, compassion, and more.

Yes, I go to IC. Every two weeks. I am no longer depressed. I am angry at what I did and everything that comes with that. I'm also angry that I'm in limbo, and dragging my wife around with me. No one deserves that!


----------



## Jellybeans

HT, divorce her, like someone else said.

You said you're trying cause someone told you to. 

It has to come from within. 

Do not string her along after you already cheated on her. I think that is pretty cold.


----------



## HerToo

You've got me thinking Jelly. Thank you


----------



## myelw316

I agree with AlmostRecovered. 
Have you tried the Mort Fertel program (I think it is called marriagemax or something like that...I've seen people on these boards and two other websites say that in terms of 'connecting' it's a great program and that most people will feel in love after they go through it if there is a chance. It's expensive, I think, but I plan to try it when my H and I get to that point)
But if other feelings have changed and come back, I would keep trying. You aren't going to have an instant fix.


----------



## HerToo

Thanks. I'll take a look at it.


----------



## karole

Just divorce her already. It's obvious your heart is not in this Reconciliation. Your wife deserves a husband that loves her and *wants* to be with her. I have a feeling that you are going to divorce your wife and sometime down the road you will regret that decision my friend - most likely when she finds a man that *will* be a husband to her.


----------



## tacoma

karole said:


> I have a feeling that you are going to divorce your wife and sometime down the road you will regret that decision my friend - most likely when she finds a man that *will* be a husband to her.


I have thought this exact thing about your situation for awhile now hertoo.

It`s a shame but I think this is how it`ll go down.


----------



## speakingforsomemen

what about a strip club?


----------



## deejov

Maybe consider forgiving yourself for your past mistakes, instead of punishing yourself. That might follow you to your next relationship in life. You'll seek out someone that only deserves a cheater.


----------



## HerToo

It just might go down that way. There have been many decisions that I have made in my lifetime that I regretted making, yet they had to be made. 

I'll pass on the strip club idea. I went once many years ago, found it to be very boring.


----------



## deejov

Yeah, you made a mistake. And for some ungodly reason... your wife forgave you and she is willing to try and repair things.

Are you truly out of love, and done, or do you just think you don't deserve to be married to her and you are betting on the negative? (Meaning sooner or later she will come to her senses and send your butt to the curb, eventually?)

She gets to decide who's good enough for her. You get to decide if you like yourself anymore. It's gonna be a long and lonely life hating yourself.


----------



## HerToo

There's a part of me now that I will never like. That's a fact.

I am not using that in my evaluation of my lack of passion for my wife. Everything feels fake - kiss, hugs, holding hands, etc. I think I killed my ability to have passion for her, or anyone else, I don't know. I was hoping to find some answers in counseling. But nothing so far. 

Yes, I'm still pissed at myself for what I did and the damage it did. I'm also frustrated that I have a loving wife and I have no passion to give her. And, I'm frustrated that I can't move, cause her pain every day, cause myself pain every day, you name it. 

I come here to read advice. I listen to advice from the counselor. I read books and articles on what to do. I try them, and I fail. 

It's not like I'm not trying my honest best I can right now. The "Fake it to make it" tactic is just another lie. And I have lied enough, and tried that tactic anyways. 

Honestly, if she came to me this minute and said "You cheated on me you rat bastard! And you REALLY need to work hard to keep me or I'm gone!", it just might do something for US (notice I didn't say "me").

Hell, I don't know anything anymore.


----------



## deejov

You don't have to have all the answers, right now, do you?

Please give yourself credit for trying. And being honest. That takes a lot of courage. It's a process. It's hard to look inside. Because what you find might mean your life isn't what you want. That's okay.

Thanks for sharing, I hope you are able to work it out, whatever that turns out to be. It can take a long time to resolve these things. She might just blow up at you, yet.


----------



## HerToo

No, I don't have answers. Nothing but questions and doubt.

Thank you.


----------



## rfAlaska

I don't think you're trying. I think you're trying to force her into making the decision you are afraid to make. You feel nothing for her. You never will. Engage and try or muster up some intestinal fortitude and move on. Anything else is simply delaying what seems to be the inevitible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## marksaysay

ITA.^^^^^
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70

rfAlaska said:


> I don't think you're trying. I think you're trying to force her into making the decision you are afraid to make. You feel nothing for her. You never will. Engage and try or muster up some intestinal fortitude and move on. Anything else is simply delaying what seems to be the inevitible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I basically made the same observation on one of your other threads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## myelw316

HerToo,
I think a couple things are going on: 
A. you have said something that is posted here a LOT as something people who are on your wife's side of the fence need to do...it's something I just was able to do myself recently and it is hard...you need your wife to get herself some RESPECT so that YOU can respect her. That is really kind of good that you can recognize that.
B. people have trouble 'feeling' good things about those they love (or anyone) when they are NOT feeling good things about themselves. I believe truly that is why you are feeling nothing...for her or possibly anyone. You need to love yourself before you can love someone else. You are at least at a starting point because you don't like what you did and you can see that if your wife stood up to you and said you needed to fight for her you'd maybe get SOME feeling about something back. 
You aren't as far gone as you think. It's fixable. Maybe not through a counselor, though....I haven't found many are good at ALL!!
Get her the Love Must Be Tough book and tell her to get herself some respect and that things might improve if she does.


----------



## HerToo

We went out and had a nice time. I wasn't in the best of moods, but I didn't express it much at all. We had a simple dinner out at a local place that has good food and a variety of micro brews. I had one beer. First in a long time. 

Then we went to a fun zone like place and did some activities together. It got late (for us early risers), so we went home. 

It was decent night out, but I still didn't feel any passion at any time. I wish I knew why.

I haven't given up. And she hasn't given up on me, yet.


----------



## myelw316

Have you considered maybe you are just putting too much pressure on yourself? If you constantly are 'waiting to feel passion' it's like you're constantly being monitored. It would be hard to feel anything but monitored or out of sorts in that way, I would think.
Maybe just go on with life and decide to see how you feel only once a month or something? You know how they tell you to only weigh yourself once a week or once a month....maybe try that with evaluating things. It'll come back...give yourself a little time. It's hard to always feel pressured, even if you are the only one giving yourself the pressure!


----------



## margojablo

hey there...
well im stuck in a terrible marriage i hav e no moeney to get out and it is what it is....i hae hobbies etc...i just dont think about how that would be to have someone nice near ...my husband is a mean selfish person...but i cant get out ...so i focus on things i like .....
i cant change him...i tried .....
i can change me ...........there is so much more in a world then one person limiting your view.........enjoy your life despite all problems in 50 years it all will not even matter ...live now !!!!!!!!!! despite all negativity.......i do
pretty good ...........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You can too for now ,,,,,,


----------



## Gabriel

HerToo - in my opinion you are just not being patient. You want to fix the way you feel way too fast. You've been on here a LOT with multiple threads, etc, looking for answers because you don't like the way this whole thing feels.

You need to give this more time. In the end, you may never feel the passion again and you then should let your wife go gently, but it's too soon. 

Nobody wants to hear this, but you've been wallowing far too much. Just live life. Enjoy little things. Eventually those little things add up and connect to more happiness. 

You have to act a certain way to make the feelings come back. You can't just wait for them. At some point, yes, if it's not working then you can't force it. But I would say 1 year is a good time frame. She's given you the precious gift of forgiveness. You can give it a year. 

But here's the thing - you can CONSTANTLY assess how things are going every FREAKING day. Just live. Promise yourself you won't assess your feelings for a whole month. Get off this board for that time. It's amazing what that can do. You are overanalyzing yourself into oblivion.

As someone who was cheated on 7-8 months ago, I can tell you, when I come back to this board I feel worse than I did before I jumped on. Take a break. And not a few days. Like 3-4 weeks. And just focus on the little things - be grateful. Wait a month. Then reassess your life.


----------



## HerToo

Good advice. I do need a break. But I tend to come back because I have no one to talk to about this stuff. So it's a good and bad thing all in one.


----------



## karole

HerToo - don't talk about it for a while. Enjoy the holidays with your family. Experience your emotions as they come to you rather than trying to force yourself to feel a certain way. Also, find a new hobby for you and your wife - what about salsa or ballroom dancing classes? Just anything to focus on rather than your problems.


----------



## NotSoSureYet

HerToo said:


> We went out and had a nice time. I wasn't in the best of moods, but I didn't express it much at all. We had a simple dinner out at a local place that has good food and a variety of micro brews. I had one beer. First in a long time.
> 
> Then we went to a fun zone like place and did some activities together. It got late (for us early risers), so we went home.
> 
> It was decent night out, but I still didn't feel any passion at any time. I wish I knew why.
> 
> I haven't given up. And she hasn't given up on me, yet.


HT - this is good to hear. And you aren't completely gone if you are still pondering your feelings!! It takes time.... A lot of time. I am just about one step ahead of you right now in my relationship w/ my H. Now, I'm starting to ponder the thought of 'what if my H doesn't feel like we are worth trying anymore'. It is starting to scare me a little. Because now I am making the effort I should have made a long time ago (he says he won't pull that rug out from under me though) I hope he doesn't. I am starting to enjoy the time we are having together again. Just give it a few tries. You may feel some passion come back once you realize that you can still enjoy your time together!


----------



## Gabriel

HerToo said:


> Good advice. I do need a break. But I tend to come back because I have no one to talk to about this stuff. So it's a good and bad thing all in one.


That's just it. You don't need to come here and talk about this right now. 

See, you think by doing this you will get to your resolution faster. I think it is doing the opposite. You need to give this a rest for awhile and just be, just act, let the feelings come. You will get there faster, one way or another. 

Lamenting on here this much is akin to staying in pergatory for you right now.

Not saying you should'n't talk it out - but this is getting way overdone. Come back in a month. Go find things to enjoy and take your mind off of what happened for awhile. The ballroom/salsa dancing thing is a good idea. Or something like that.


----------



## HerToo

I'll take a break, hopefully. This place is like a drug at times.


----------



## nicole2011

Hertoo- I sent you a private message. Check it when you can.


----------

