# Married and not had sex in 4 years. My wife has NO sex drive.



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

Hi 

I am 31 years old I have been married to my wife who is 30 for 6 year and we have not had sex in 4 years. She has NO sex drive what-so-ever. I want to have sex with my wife but she has absolutely no interest. She never gets horny, she never wants to be touched, and she refuses to even let me touch her. I mean we can’t hold hands, hug or kiss. She will hug and kiss our kids but not me. 

This start as soon as she got pregnant with our 2nd child. I thought it was just a pregnant thing and I was ok with it, but 4 year on and she is the same. The hardest part is that we are young and I don’t know if I can spent my whole life not having sex, but the only person I want to have sex with is my wife.

We have 2 kids. I work 5 days a week and she works 2 days and she looks after the kids the other 3. We both have weekend off work. When i say looks after the kids, she gets them ready for school breakfast etc and picks them up when school finishes. 

We've done counselling and she makes excuses and provides a million reasons why she doesn’t want sex in our marriage or why it doesn’t happen. She is happy in choosing to ignore sex.

The lack of intimacy in our marriage has led to many arguments between us. When we do talk about she says there is nothing I can say she hasn’t heard before. 

Yet she does tell me that she loves me she just don’t want sex.

We are both healthy. She must weigh about 11 stone and I weight about 13 and a half stone. We have never cheated on each other. Before it started she loved sex and we did it 2 time a week minimum. 

I have even had the snip to get her to have sex with me but it did not work. She said she does not want any more kids and she was worried that she may get pregnant again


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Tell us more about your life. Just one kid? Which of you works? Give us more to go on, is there any reason that you haven't left already?


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You need to write a longer post about your life with her. 

Medical problems-her
Possible affair-would you have any reason to believe she is cheating
Your health/are you overweight


That's just insane not to have no sex for 4 years. At my worst time in marriage (5 years ago) sex was twice a month. And I was overweight. 
Basically you are just friends. I don't judge anyone but if you are both ok with that then good. But I sense you are not happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Oh boy, thing is most all healthy women enjoy sex. 

Don't take this the wrong way because I'm not trying to put you down at all but if she says she does not like sex she is saying that she does not like sex with "you". 

Was it always this way. Even before marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

What happened to your post?

I was replying to the one that was above mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

sorry i was editing it


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> What happened to your post?
> 
> I was replying to the one that was above mine.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


sorry i was editing it


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Well if you want sex tell her you are a man, and as a man you need sex. Tell her she has 3 options: Divorce, mistress, or put out. Be prepared to follow thru. And be prepared for duty sex if she goes that route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Strong advice here. Ask her point blank if there's anyone or anything that turns her on whatsoever. The difference between YES and NO to that question makes all the difference in how you treat it.

Good luck
-seahorse




jerry123 said:


> Oh boy, thing is most all healthy women enjoy sex.
> 
> Don't take this the wrong way because I'm not trying to put you down at all but if she says she does not like sex she is saying that she does not like sex with "you".
> 
> ...


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

Thound said:


> Well if you want sex tell her you are a man, and as a man you need sex. Tell her she has 3 options: Divorce, mistress, or put out. Be prepared to follow thru. And be prepared for duty sex if she goes that route.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am worried that she would call my bluff and say Divorce. I still love her so she knows i wont leave her. If i did leave her I may not get to see the kids every day.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

The kids have taken your place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

seahorse said:


> Strong advice here. Ask her point blank if there's anyone or anything that turns her on whatsoever. The difference between YES and NO to that question makes all the difference in how you treat it.
> 
> Good luck
> -seahorse


I have aked this question and she said that no one turns her on.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

geek said:


> I am worried that she would call my bluff and say Divorce. I still love her so she knows i wont leave her. If i did leave her I may not get to see the kids every day.


Thats why I said be prepared to follow thru. If you are going to stay with her get lots of porn and plenty of tissues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

Thound said:


> The kids have taken your place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK so how do i get to want me again?


----------



## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

geek said:


> Hi
> 
> I am 31 years old I have been married to my wife who is 30 for 6 year and we have not had sex in 4 years. She has NO sex drive what-so-ever. I want to have sex with my wife but she has absolutely no interest. She never gets horny, she never wants to be touched, and she refuses to even let me touch her. I mean we can’t hold hands, hug or kiss. She will hug and kiss our kids but not me.
> 
> ...


WHAT? It's going on 4 months for me and I'm at the edge. What wrong with picture? and what does she think you will do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

Thound said:


> porn and plenty of tissues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trust me thats want I have been doing for 4 years.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Get...her...to...a...doctor!! You need to rule out medical. 

Are you overweight? On a scale of 1-10. What are you? Be honest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

geek said:


> Trust me thats want I have been doing for 4 years.


Stop with the porn. Cold turkey. 


By the way, is she at any time wanting to fix this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Many things can cause a sexless marriage. You may have done things that she resents but refuses to discuss with you. She may be a lesbian. She may suffer from some hormonal imbalance. But regardless of the reason, she has a duty to come up with some answer. After all it is not fair, rational or realistic to expect a man in his 30s to give up sex.

There many sexless marriage threads on TAM you can probably find some of them and read lively debates as men, and sometimes women, discuss strategies to awaken lust in their spouse. Few men want their wives to put out duty sex. One guy joked that his wife's favorite position was "corpse".

Read Bagdon for example of a man who his wife to fall by in love with him instead walking away from their marriage. However, your wife claims to love you. So, what sort of other love is there?

Action, are you going to take it?

Doing the 180 could be a first step.

If that does wake up her desire, file for divorce?

If she doesn't want to divorce, demand an open marriage. If you had an affair, to you suppose your wife would seek sex with you to protect her territory?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Geek,
What books have you read about men/women sex and desire?

Read this link. Is this you? 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html





geek said:


> Trust me thats want I have been doing for 4 years.


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Get...her...to...a...doctor!! You need to rule out medical.
> 
> Are you overweight? On a scale of 1-10. What are you? Be honest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



am 13 and a half stone. yes i am a little overweight not no more than the average man. I am also on a diet to lose weight and I run 3 days a week to stay healthy


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Stop with the porn. Cold turkey.
> 
> 
> By the way, is she at any time wanting to fix this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She seems happy not having sex. She says i am the one with the issues as I want sex


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Geek,
> What books have you read about men/women sex and desire?
> 
> Read this link. Is this you?
> ...


Yes alot of that is me.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

geek said:


> She seems happy not having sex. She says i am the one with the issues as I want sex




There is nothing wrong with you. 

You're a guy who wants to have sex with his wife. 

A long as you don't abuse her or kids, abuse drugs or drink way too much your wife needs help. 

Lift weights also. Build muscle. 

Don't fight about sex with her, that's obvious it does no good. 

Just keep trying to make yourself a healthier person. 

I'm 45, lost 20 lbs and lift everyday. And I look and feel great. Funny thing happens when you lose the fat and build muscle. The muscle's show. Another funny thing happens when you gain muscle, other women notice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

geek said:


> I am worried that she would call my bluff and say Divorce. I still love her so she knows i wont leave her. If i did leave her I may not get to see the kids every day.


You have asked yourself a brilliant question. Are you really worried that she would just throw in the towel?

If she were so ready to quit, wouldn't that mean she does not love you?

You have lived 4 years without sex because you love. Why shouldn't she live 4 years with sex because she loves you?

You don't want to waste another 5 or 6 years and end up a bitter porn addict and divorced anyway in the end, do you?

Get the divorce papers ready. Do a 180 until you get her attention, then hand her the envelope. It may be possible to set in motion without spending a lot of money. And you can go to mediation if she chooses divorce.

What sort of relationship did her parents have?

What is your MIL like?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

For us Americans, 13 stone = 182 lbs (OP's weight) and 11 stone = 154 lbs (his wife). 

OP, if you're 5'10" tall or even as short as 5'7", I have a hard time believing that you are overweight unless you don't have a lot of muscle. Your wife, OTOH, may be suffering from body issues. If she's around 5'5", I'd say she would be more overweight than you. 

Get her checked out by a Dr. ASAP.

Just curious about why you put up with 4 years of sexlessness? NFW could I have done that.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jerry123 said:


> Stop with the porn. Cold turkey.
> 
> 
> By the way, is she at any time wanting to fix this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, why should he - especially if the porn use is a reaction to a sexless marriage. 

I'd ask your wife if she would mind if you had a mistress on the side. I don't condone you doing this, but I'd be curious as to her reaction. If she gets angry, then I'd think her aversion to sex is based because she lost attraction to you. If she tells you that she didn't care, I'd strongly suspect that she has a medical issue. This is my opinion on it, I have no idea how she would react if you knew what her issue was. Just a best guess.


----------



## geek (Apr 3, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> For us Americans, 13 stone = 182 lbs (OP's weight) and 11 stone = 154 lbs (his wife).
> 
> OP, if you're 5'10" tall or even as short as 5'7", I have a hard time believing that you are overweight unless you don't have a lot of muscle. Your wife, OTOH, may be suffering from body issues. If she's around 5'5", I'd say she would be more overweight than you.
> 
> ...


I put up with it for the kids and in hope that she would want sex. I still find her sexy and i still love her. If i leave her and she finds someone new i would hate it.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Geek,
Is it possible that you have crowded/smothered your Wife with the best if intentions? And that she has responded like most folks do when feeling crowded: she's withdrawn, pulled away from you

What could you do to give her a good amount of breathing space? 
- Physically
- Emotionally
- Operationally 

FYI: she doesn't love you (and hasn't for a while). She loves what you do for her:
- financial provider
- co parent 
- maybe as a friend - even that I question since she dislikes affection. Typically a marriage that's lost passion, but retained friendship, also retains affection. 

That doesn't mean she can't relearn to love you. But there is zero chance of that happening while you crowd her. 

Does she dislike affection because you: grope her, or because you try to turn affection into sex? 

In the meantime you ought to stop pretending:
- For example, in many broken marriages a daily chorus of empty 'I love you's' has replaced real love. 
- Celebrating special days (valentines day, birthdays, Christmas) with gifts is actually harmful when your partner clearly doesn't love you. 
- Watching tv is an activity that allows you both to pretend that you like interacting, even if that isn't quite true. 

I am not suggesting the silent treatment. You want to be fun and upbeat when you are present. You just need to avoid the toxic approval seeking behaviors that reinforce this dynamic you have. 



geek said:


> Yes alot of that is me.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Please answer these:

Who rules the house?

Who makes all the important decisions?

Do you ever go out with just friends?

I'm getting from your writing that you are a "nice guy" (not good) meaning you always try to please people. 
You are Beta all the time. (Not good) 

I could be wrong and NOT trying to put you down. Just trying to help you figure out why she does not like sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Before everyone gets too hung up on advice, the OP should get his wife to go to the Dr's to ensure that she is in good health. A hormonal imbalance or a low functioning thyroid can stymie a healthy sexual relationship. 

No offense to everyone because a lot of good advice was given already, but if her condition is medical, then it's moot.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Something tells me his wife will refuse to go to a Dr. 

But yeah, she needs to see one very soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Plan9,
While I agree there could well be a hormone issue, the absence of affection says there's also a relationship issue. 

And certainly the one could amplify the other, but the fact that she sees his desire for sex as his problem, points to a serious lack of consideration and concern. 




Plan 9 from OS said:


> Before everyone gets too hung up on advice, the OP should get his wife to go to the Dr's to ensure that she is in good health. A hormonal imbalance or a low functioning thyroid can stymie a healthy sexual relationship.
> 
> No offense to everyone because a lot of good advice was given already, but if her condition is medical, then it's moot.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Plan9,
> While I agree there could well be a hormone issue, the absence of affection says there's also a relationship issue.
> 
> And certainly the one could amplify the other, but the fact that she sees his desire for sex as his problem, points to a serious lack of consideration and concern.


I believe the absence of affection could be almost exclusively due to hormones. If her thyroid went underactive, it could affect her entire mindset. I have no idea what her body was like prior to kids, but if she is still at 154 lbs and has tried to lose the weight but failed, I'd suspect thyroid.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Honestly, why should he - especially if the porn use is a reaction to a sexless marriage.


I would advise this for his, not her, benefit. Because porn in these situations can mask the urgency of the issue. It provides some physical relief, albeit empty, that may cause him to justify that things are not so bad. 

As it is, his porn use is part of why this has been on going for four years. Without it, I suspect he brings the issue to a boiling point long before this.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would advise this for his, not her, benefit. Because porn in these situations can mask the urgency of the issue. It provides some physical relief, albeit empty, that may cause him to justify that things are not so bad.
> 
> As it is, his porn use is part of why this has been on going for four years. Without it, I suspect he brings the issue to a boiling point long before this.


I can understand that. If I was in a situation like this - porn or no porn use - I'd be bouncing off the walls and ready to rip my hair out. There is no substitute for the real thing. I can appreciate that all people don't react in the same ways.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> Not necessarily, I would say I loved my former H even back then. I no longer respected him. I always had love for him but perhaps that love turned more platonic given the respect aspect. That was one of the things that was difficult to understand and decipher . Hindsight is 20/20


How long have you been divorced? Do you still feel platonic love for him now? I'll have to look at your thread.

Jerry123 and Bagdon turned things around in their marriages by coming more decisive, masculine, etc. RoadScholar, whose wife refused him sex for 5 months after she quit her affair, has done it but is struggling a bit.

Loss of respect is big issue.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

If it is true that, given the ultimatum between divorcing you or working on this issue, your wife would pick divorce (quickly as you say she would) then your marriage is already over. How far does love get you if the other person doesn't feel the same? She has 100% of the power in this relationship. The spouse that cares the least always does.

I don't think anyone is that great of a catch, to put up with 4 years of sexual and intimacy suffocation. You said she works very part time. What is she bringing to this marriage that makes you think - I'm way better off in this situation than trying again. The feeling you have in your heart, love for what you had at one time with your wife, cannot be used as an answer to this question.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> How long have you been divorced? Do you still feel platonic love for him now? I'll have to look at your thread.
> 
> Jerry123 and Bagdon turned things around in their marriages by coming more decisive, masculine, etc. RoadScholar, whose wife refused him sex for 5 months after she quit her affair, has done it but is struggling a bit.
> 
> Loss of respect is big issue.




Oh yeah...

Every situation is different but it does come down to the same problem. Attraction. 

That's why I asked him to answer a few questions. 

But OP seems to be trying to argue/talk/fight about the lack of sex with his wife. That's getting him no where. She does not care about his desires. Thinks he has issues because of him wanting sex. He can scream and yell to her about it till he's blue in the face and it gets him no where. 

If she refuses to see a dr. just focus on yourself. You can't stay in this sexless marriage. 

So get to work on fixing your mind and body. Doing the 180 and building muscle will do wonders for....wait for it... HIM. 

I've been reading your posts and its been about her/she. 

Make it about you by making yourself a man other woman will want. That's as in, your next wife. 

So read...read a lot on this forum and read the book below. Google it. 

Married mans sex life primer by Athol Kay
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your wife sounds like a selfish b!tch, to be frank. Telling you that you have a problem because you want to have sex with her?? Why on earth do you put up with this??

The fact you are not willing to end the marriage means you have no leverage here. She knows this so has no reason to change what she's doing. Whether it's medical or not, she should be falling over herself trying to FIX this, if for NO other reason than it is very important to you!!

Wake up here, dude. Stop putting up with her crap. Get MAD at her for her attitude. Tell her - TELL her - to get to a dr and have her hormones and thyroid checked out. DO NOT take no for an answer. Go with her to the appointments and butt in and ask the dr questions about her sex drive. Any dr will tell her it is NOT normal to not want sex at all, ever. If the results indicate a problem, maybe it will be a simple fix. If not, well, you got way bigger problems on your hands, and b y staying with her are dooming yourself to a life of complete unhappiness and no sex.

Good lord, it floors me that people do sh!t like this to their SPOUSE.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Plan,
Agreed. 

Geek,
Priority 1 is to get your wife's hormones checked. 
- thyroid
- estrogen, testosterone (she's supposed to have a healthy mix of estrogen, and testosterone)

You ought to be calm but firm on this. You tell her that it's her job as your partner AND the mother of your children to ensure she's healthy. 




Plan 9 from OS said:


> I believe the absence of affection could be almost exclusively due to hormones. If her thyroid went underactive, it could affect her entire mindset. I have no idea what her body was like prior to kids, but if she is still at 154 lbs and has tried to lose the weight but failed, I'd suspect thyroid.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Plan,
> Agreed.
> 
> Geek,
> ...




I think we all agree she needs to get this done. Thing is, will she. 

She may see it as her husband making her go to dr. in hopes of finding out what's wrong. She will push back because he is trying to help her fix a problem of lack of sex in their marriage. She sees no problem, why should she go to drs. to fix a problem in which his wife sees as not an issue. 

She does not want to fix this because she does not want to have sex with her husband. Really tough position to be in as a husband. 

If she will not get to a dr. you need to make it clear this marriage will not last. Not just a threat, but action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

i have got to say something here, I live in the uk, I clearly am female, I am in a similar postion as his wife, im at the other end of the process, i.e. no sex for the last couple of years but had sex for 4 prior to that there was nothing for approx. 10 years, so I hear you all say get her to the docs! oh yeah!!! this is the uk, ok not a third world country but I can tell you all that any problem that involves a sexual one with women just wont get any treatment! believe me, I have begged and cried my heart out with my doctor, in fact several doctors over time, to find out why I have the problems I do have, i.e. no arousal, no desire, no orgasm , painful sex that is just pure boring and the only one to benefit from doing it would be him. and the answer I got was, and you are going to have to excuse the way im putting this ok, but it boiled down to youhave a hole so whats the problem! and that's from several doctors here, they DO NOT TEST WOMEN IN THE UK FOR any reason to do with sex, and the only treatment she will get offered is to be put on a list for about 18 months waiting to see a therapist to be offered at best 12, once a week sessions that is it!

most of you on here live in the usa and have really got no idea what we here have to put up with when it comes down to sex problems, lets face it, no one ever died from not having sex did they!


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> i have got to say something here, I live in the uk, I clearly am female, I am in a similar postion as his wife, im at the other end of the process, i.e. no sex for the last couple of years but had sex for 4 prior to that there was nothing for approx. 10 years, so I hear you all say get her to the docs! oh yeah!!! this is the uk, ok not a third world country but I can tell you all that any problem that involves a sexual one with women just wont get any treatment! believe me, I have begged and cried my heart out with my doctor, in fact several doctors over time, to find out why I have the problems I do have, i.e. no arousal, no desire, no orgasm , painful sex that is just pure boring and the only one to benefit from doing it would be him. and the answer I got was, and you are going to have to excuse the way im putting this ok, but it boiled down to youhave a hole so whats the problem! and that's from several doctors here, they DO NOT TEST WOMEN IN THE UK FOR any reason to do with sex, and the only treatment she will get offered is to be put on a list for about 18 months waiting to see a therapist to be offered at best 12, once a week sessions that is it!
> most of you on here live in the usa and have really got no idea what we here have to put up with when it comes down to sex problems, lets face it, no one ever died from not having sex did t
> 
> We here in th USA are headed for the same health care you have now. As far as someony dying because of lack of sex: I imagine it happens all the time one way or another.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> Well if you want sex tell her you are a man, and as a man you need sex. Tell her she has 3 options: Divorce, mistress, or put out. Be prepared to follow thru. And be prepared for duty sex if she goes that route.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with her options. I believe the "put out" option could be preceded by a full honest attempt at therepy and medical intervention whether it be hormones or removing certain medications which kill her drive.

There's no reason a person should wait 4 years, let alone 1 year, let alone one month to have sex and intimacy with their spouse.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> unlovedbyhim said:
> 
> 
> > i have got to say something here, I live in the uk, I clearly am female, I am in a similar postion as his wife, im at the other end of the process, i.e. no sex for the last couple of years but had sex for 4 prior to that there was nothing for approx. 10 years, so I hear you all say get her to the docs! oh yeah!!! this is the uk, ok not a third world country but I can tell you all that any problem that involves a sexual one with women just wont get any treatment! believe me, I have begged and cried my heart out with my doctor, in fact several doctors over time, to find out why I have the problems I do have, i.e. no arousal, no desire, no orgasm , painful sex that is just pure boring and the only one to benefit from doing it would be him. and the answer I got was, and you are going to have to excuse the way im putting this ok, but it boiled down to youhave a hole so whats the problem! and that's from several doctors here, they DO NOT TEST WOMEN IN THE UK FOR any reason to do with sex, and the only treatment she will get offered is to be put on a list for about 18 months waiting to see a therapist to be offered at best 12, once a week sessions that is it!
> ...


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Unloved - in your other thread you said that you had already been through what medical science could do for you. You had testosterone implants, therapy, given lots of medical advice. None of this solved your problem, granted, but there is some help available.

In your case the low desire is something you are willing to work on so you can be closer to your husband. The painful intercourse in another matter entirely. Nobody would want to have sex if it was painful. Nobody would want their spouse to suffer that kind of pain, either.

I think the bigger problem is that this woman doesn't want help. She wants no more sex ever. End of story.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Four years? That's nothin'. Try fourteen years if you really want to complain.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

unlovedbyhim said:


> i have got to say something here, I live in the uk, I clearly am female, I am in a similar postion as his wife, im at the other end of the process, i.e. no sex for the last couple of years but had sex for 4 prior to that there was nothing for approx. 10 years, so I hear you all say get her to the docs! oh yeah!!! this is the uk, ok not a third world country but I can tell you all that any problem that involves a sexual one with women just wont get any treatment! believe me, I have begged and cried my heart out with my doctor, in fact several doctors over time, to find out why I have the problems I do have, i.e. no arousal, no desire, no orgasm , painful sex that is just pure boring and the only one to benefit from doing it would be him. and the answer I got was, and you are going to have to excuse the way im putting this ok, but it boiled down to youhave a hole so whats the problem! and that's from several doctors here, they DO NOT TEST WOMEN IN THE UK FOR any reason to do with sex, and the only treatment she will get offered is to be put on a list for about 18 months waiting to see a therapist to be offered at best 12, once a week sessions that is it!
> 
> most of you on here live in the usa and have really got no idea what we here have to put up with when it comes down to sex problems, lets face it, no one ever died from not having sex did they!


I'm sorry you've been treated that way by a supposedly competent physician. So many men have forgotten how to be romantic and make their wives feel special, loved, and desired. Has your husband really tried seduction? Dinner, flowers, conversation, petting, compliments, making you feel like you're the only woman in the world, kisses, hugs, snuggling? I remember very well how to take care of a woman and how to make her want to make love. It's been many years for me, but I do remember.......not that it does me any good now. Very sad.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Have you asked your wife what you can do that would help her want to have sex?

If she tells you it's just the way she is, and she can't or won't do anything about it, then you have a decision to make.

It is INCREDIBLY arrogant and selfish of her to stop having sex with you for no good reason (illness/disability), and expect you to stay married.


----------



## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Unloved - in your other thread you said that you had already been through what medical science could do for you. You had testosterone implants, therapy, given lots of medical advice. None of this solved your problem, granted, but there is some help available.
> 
> 
> *yes I know I have tried a lot of stuff, I had to beg my gyn for the testosterone implants, I had to go armed with reams of paperwork I had printed out from usa sites! the only real medical help I actually got given was to have a glass of vodka before hand! *
> ...


----------



## unlovedbyhim (Jan 20, 2014)

thummper said:


> I'm sorry you've been treated that way by a supposedly competent physician. So many men have forgotten how to be romantic and make their wives feel special, loved, and desired. Has your husband really tried seduction? Dinner, flowers, conversation, petting, compliments, making you feel like you're the only woman in the world, kisses, hugs, snuggling? I remember very well how to take care of a woman and how to make her want to make love. It's been many years for me, but I do remember.......not that it does me any good now. Very sad.


seduction? you are kidding aren't you? nearest hes got is hand me the remote control, dinner? if we did go out eating was something done in total silence and full concentration given to the food, as for the rest? I think my user name covers that don't you, 32 yrs of it in fact


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm amazed that she's getting away with this. It's just downright cruel. Perhaps she is not attracted to you anymore OP, which truthfully, is what is sounds like, but in that case, she should be honest so that you can come to an agreement about what to do.

Moreover, you're in the position of weakness because you're basically begging her for affection and physical contact. And she gets away with treating you disdainfully, which reinforces her lack of desire for you.... It's a vicious circle. 

The behavior is selfish. It's up to you to decide how you want to be treated. Why does she act like this? Because she can.

As other posters have said, you need to present her with options. I don't know which options they should be, but it's time to be clear. "Either x has to change, or y will happen.."


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

thummper said:


> Four years? That's nothin'. Try fourteen years if you really want to complain.


Aw hell naw!


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I put up with a sexless marriage for a couple years...then we started doing it like rabitts...then found out she was having an affair with her boss...

My divorce was JUST finalized, I am no longer married...and I will NEVER EVER put up with a sexless relationship again...EVER!

If its medical, then she should be willing to seek help to fix it
You have to put your foot down...tell her in counsiling that you are NOT going to be in a sexless marriage anymore, she is either willing to try and fix it or NOT...dont use the D word, but she should know THAT is an option

also...I would start snooping a bit, she might be in an affair, even an emotional affair is enough to make her stop having sex with you as she feels committed to someone else


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Omego said:


> I'm amazed that she's getting away with this. It's just downright cruel.


I am not. As an initial matter, he has let this slide for four years. He is letting her get away with it.

Also, look at the poster in the Men's section who's has had little sex since their child was born, and none for the last year as his wife is sleeping in the same bed as their child. The initial posts lambasted him for only wanting sex and no longer showering his wife with affection. Yes, the advice did improve its tone later, but the initial (and continued reaction) is that when she does not want sex, it is his fault.

I suspect the OP here has the same reaction.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

geek said:


> ...If i leave her and she finds someone new i would hate it.


That's not a good reason to stay. If she started having sex with a new guy after your divorce, you SHOULD feel cheated. It's not fair or normal. Sex is a part of marriage...being denied sex should NEVER be put up with. 31 yrs old, you should be entering her high-drive years!



Plan 9 from OS said:


> Before everyone gets too hung up on advice, the OP should get his wife to go to the Dr's to ensure that she is in good health. A hormonal imbalance or a low functioning thyroid can stymie a healthy sexual relationship.
> 
> No offense to everyone because a lot of good advice was given already, but if her condition is medical, then it's moot.


Totally agree. Get her to the doctor...like 4 years ago. 

Also, get to the gym, daily...OR get yourself some weights at home and buy P90X...do something! Eat right and exercise, start cooking healthy meals and get some hobbies. Take care of yourself and it may help increase your wife's attraction for you. She told you that no-one turns her on?...well, that's not working for you, so get to work on yourself and get her to the doctors office.

Time to make some changes, bro.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

geek said:


> I am worried that she would call my bluff and say Divorce. I still love her so she knows i wont leave her. If i did leave her I may not get to see the kids every day.


I would say that it is very unlikely to change. Maybe she never liked sex and only did it because she wanted kids and now there is no more reason for her to have sex.

I think that is nice of you to keep your family unit a priority in this situation. As far as sex goes I guess you are on your own. 

As long as the relationship is otherwise healthy and happy I see no reason that sex has to be a part of it. As long as you are OK with it. I think a lot of people would be too pissed off to stay.


----------



## DEVIL_MAY5 (Aug 1, 2012)

OP please update us, what happened? did you solve this issue? if yes what was the problem, and if no what have you tried and what are your plans.


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts/replies here, so I hope I'm not covering anything already said...sorry if I am.

I had a slightly similar situation to yours some years back, but not as bad...we had sex twice in a seven moth period and for most of our relationship previously, once a month at best for about 7 years.

I was extremely frustrated, often cranky and resentful, and borderline depressed at our lack of intimacy. Nothing I could do could get her in the mood. She simply had no desire to change ANYTHING about our (her) sex life. And then one day I realized what I was doing wrong. I was trying to change her and her attitude. WRONG!!

I had to change...and I did.

It turned not only our marriage around, but my entire life. I simply started following a few rules that I thought were important.

1. Attitude is EVERYTHING.
2. Expect less.
3. Give more.
4. Accept everything for what it is.
5. You don't find happiness...you create it.

I stopped expecting, or even hoping for sex on that, or any particular day.
I focused on being grateful for having a good wife who loves me.
I would spontaneously buy her a rose, or a card, or even just send a text to say I love you. (But not so often that it lost it's element of surprise).
I accepted that she would rather talk and cuddle and not have me wanting sex all the time. I accepted everything about her, no questions asked.
I jumped out of bed each morning at 5am with my first thoughts being only energetic, positive and professional...nothing negative whatsoever.
And I am happy. Happy and grateful for everything I have. I have a job, a home and a family. I am not cold, hungry, oppressed or have ever been at war. LIFE IS GOOD. But it can be taken away at any time...so APPRECIATE IT NOW!!

That has been my philosophy. I worked hard at all of it. It took over a year, but my attitude rubbed off on her. I never told her about my new outlook (mostly I did it for me anyway) but she responded better than I could have ever hoped. We are both happier, more successful and having more sex WOOOHOOO!!

Just remember, you can never make anyone change their ways. They have to make that decision themselves. You can only change yourself and you will be amazed at the response from everybody that is involved in your life. Those that don't respond get left behind, it's that simple.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Great story Uglee70! It's nice that things have gotten better for you. A lot of men would have had an affair or left their wife if they were in your situation. I'm kind of going through that now with my husband. He has LD but shows me affection in other ways and I'm happy for the intimacy we do have. If I behaved like a ***** and was nagging him about it and was grumpy would that really encourage him to be more intimate with me? NO! He would probably want to avoid me.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Uglee, So you advocate settling for less. Nice.


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

Your wife is fine with a sexless marriage because she knows that you will put up with it. It seems like she is happy to have a wallet to fund her lifestyle. 

I wonder what would happen if you told your wife that you are ready to end the marriage over lack of sex. I bet she would change her behavior very quickly. 

I know that my husband wouldn't tolerate lack of sex for four WEEKS, let alone months or years. Neither of us got married to be sexually frustrated all the time.


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Hehe...No no, don't get me wrong WorkingOnMe. I don't 'settle' for less. I 'expect' less. 

Just think, when you're expecting nothing and then you get something...you're really getting more, aren't you?

It's a twisted and complicated little outlook I have, but it's working great!


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Great story Uglee70! It's nice that things have gotten better for you. A lot of men would have had an affair or left their wife if they were in your situation. I'm kind of going through that now with my husband. He has LD but shows me affection in other ways and I'm happy for the intimacy we do have. If I behaved like a ***** and was nagging him about it and was grumpy would that really encourage him to be more intimate with me? NO! He would probably want to avoid me.


Yes, I too went through the nagging, guilt, shaming phase. Didn't work obviously. I reckon I did all the wrong things before I started doing it right.

All a part of growing I guess.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Uglee70 said:


> I haven't read all the posts/replies here, so I hope I'm not covering anything already said...sorry if I am.
> 
> I had a slightly similar situation to yours some years back, but not as bad...we had sex twice in a seven moth period and for most of our relationship previously, once a month at best for about 7 years.
> 
> ...


This is one way that the change you put in your life could've rubbed off on others.

The other way is that the people around you are fully aware that you are being extremely selfless and generous and sit there like a pack of wolves taking advantage of it, not changing a bit. Your wife could've done you.

Your one of the minority success stories on TAM who has corrected the marriage and "lack of" through positive actions.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

treyvion said:


> This is one way that the change you put in your life could've rubbed off on others.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I wouldn't call it a success story at all. More of a self manipulation story. A way of convincing yourself everything good without actually doing the work to improve it.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Uglee70 said:


> That has been my philosophy. I worked hard at all of it. It took over a year, but my attitude rubbed off on her. I never told her about my new outlook (mostly I did it for me anyway) but she responded better than I could have ever hoped. *We are both happier, more successful and having more sex WOOOHOOO!!*
> 
> Just remember, you can never make anyone change their ways. They have to make that decision themselves. You can only change yourself and you will be amazed at the response from everybody that is involved in your life. Those that don't respond get left behind, it's that simple.


How frequently do you and your wife have sex now since you changed your philosophy? Are you at a frequency that is ideal for you, more than you want or less than you want? 

Just curious to see how far you came with intimacy.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I wouldn't call it a success story at all. More of a self manipulation story. A way of convincing yourself everything good without actually doing the work to improve it.


Sometimes us sexless get such a nasty funk of an attitude, it's not considered attractive.

And getting comfortable and happy with yourself again outside of the sexlessness, can start them to looking at you again.

A very hard situation I prefer to know nothing about.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I see a couple of problems right away. 

You say, "I want sex" and she says "No". After four years of you asking, begging, groveling you still come up empty because she still says no. 

She's going to continue because she knows that when she says no, you'll just suck it up and take it and what was once a vice is now a habit.

She has you by the short hairs and knows your going no where. You also buffaloed yourself thinking that if you split that you would not see your kids.

Got news for you. You won't lose your kids. They know who their dad is and she can't prevent you from seeing them. 

It's time that you wheel out some big guns and let her know that enough is enough. 

Have her served with divorce papers. You think she's going to say OK when she only works two days a week and can't support herself let alone a couple of kids? She knows full well she can't.

You have to let her know that your not putting up with her selfish ways any longer and you've reached your breaking point.

Let her know that the only way that you'll consider a R is if she gets to a doctor and get a complete physical starting from her head and what's going on in there. 

Next thing you do is remove her belongings from the bedroom and tell her that if she doesn't want to act like a wife then take the spare room or the couch but the master bedroom is off limits and she lost that right since she's incapable of being nothing more than a room mate and that's the second thing you do.

Let her know that if she wants to live like your room mates then she gets a full time job and splits all costs to run the house 50-50 and that includes her own car insurance and gas.

You let this go on way too long and have created this mess and the only way to fix it is with some serious new rules in your house or else you'll continue to be on the losing end. Your choice friend. Sometime you have to call her bluff and go down the bumpy road to get to the end.


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I wouldn't call it a success story at all. More of a self manipulation story. A way of convincing yourself everything good without actually doing the work to improve it.


Oh really? 

Then what would you call "working on it"?

For our relationship to advance, it was my attitude towards it and her that had to change to enable any success. I did that. We've turned a corner.

I'd call that a job well done!

You may leave.


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> How frequently do you and your wife have sex now since you changed your philosophy? Are you at a frequency that is ideal for you, more than you want or less than you want?
> 
> Just curious to see how far you came with intimacy.


Once to twice a week on average, much better than once a month. We have two kids aged 2 and 7 and both of us work full time. 
We put our free time into what our kids want and need first and we take whats left...if you have kids you know what I mean.

We both work at it and we're both happy with where we are at.


----------



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

LongWalk;8016522If she doesn't want to divorce said:


> I have always told my h that if someone can get him away from me, they can have him! That is non negotiable.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tango,

If someone leaves a sexless marriage is the loss so great?

Ugllee,

One or two times a week is already much better. Don't let the remarks from the peanut gallery get to you. 

How do you cope with rejection now?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

dfgjnshfjjia said:


> Yet she does tell me that she loves me she just don’t want sex.


Do you plan on having a non-existant sexlife? Do you plan for your genetals to go unused, basically castrated and used for only urination? Is she ok since you have waited long enough for you to take on a lover?

Does she really think it's ok because she doesn't feel it, for her to control your sex and intimacy?


----------



## Uglee70 (Jan 2, 2009)

LongWalk said:


> Tango,
> 
> If someone leaves a sexless marriage is the loss so great?
> 
> ...


"Peanut gallery" love it! 

I no longer look at her right to refuse as a rejection. It's her choice to say 'no' and the decision is right for her, whatever the reason. 

We both make much more of an effort to attend to both the mental and physical aspect of our relationship and we are both getting rewarded.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Uglee70 said:


> Once to twice a week on average, much better than once a month. We have two kids aged 2 and 7 and both of us work full time.
> We put our free time into what our kids want and need first and we take whats left...if you have kids you know what I mean.
> 
> We both work at it and we're both happy with where we are at.


If you are good with it then congrats. At least a 400% to 500% increase from where you were. I asked only to see how much of an improvement you saw. Every marriage is different.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Do you plan on having a non-existant sexlife? Do you plan for your genetals to go unused, basically castrated and used for only urination? Is she ok since you have waited long enough for you to take on a lover?
> 
> Does she really think it's ok because she doesn't feel it, for her to control your sex and intimacy?


You're arguing with a spam bot...


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

geek said:


> OK so how do i get to want me again?


Did she ever? It looks to me like she used you as provider and sperm donor. Two years, then boom as soon as she has the kids she wants, done.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Wow, I am a woman so let's look at this from my point of view because I've did something similar to my husband. 
We didn't have a healthy sex life, we had a fantastic sex life. 12 hours of sex. However during our almost 8 years together I've started ask my guy for different things like simple things at first but he was like ha, ha not today bla, bla. So the change of scenery like going in vacations, in foreign countries, dancing, going to belly dance shows, living a little dangerous it helped. 
The day came when we entered a routine and my body and mind shut down completely. I could not let him touch me, kiss me and I was doing it out of duty and because I loved him. 
I had no idea what happened to me. I use to love sex. I started to look in the mirror and see myself ugly although nothing changed. 
I've been to counseling and didn't help (the therapist was a woman - so go figure). Anyhow my point is that he went to work in another country, he wants a divorce because of this ( plus some other things) and I've just had an "Evrika" moment today. 
All those moments he said no to my kind of kinky side I've repressed something of myself. I started to feel uncomfortable with myself and with my wishes and I made me sick so my subconscious helped me the only way it knew, told me to shut down. 
So now I will go to my former therapist, who helped me a lot in my relationship (is a he) and well try to understand how to dump the news on my husband. 
So maybe, just maybe your wife needs a wake up call but she definitely needs to see a therapist. 

imgur: the simple image sharer

That is us, because sometimes pictures speak more than a 1000 words.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Have you asked your wife what you can do that would help her want to have sex?
> 
> If she tells you it's just the way she is, and she can't or won't do anything about it, then you have a decision to make.
> 
> It is INCREDIBLY arrogant and selfish of her to stop having sex with you for no good reason (illness/disability), and expect you to stay married.


Keep in mind that she might not know the answer herself. I am a young woman and I used to love sex and I did that to my husband and did not understand way. An army of therapists, shame, my friends, my love for him, nothing would help. It felt like rape. Until my mind opened and I found the reason


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Did she ever? It looks to me like she used you as provider and sperm donor. Two years, then boom as soon as she has the kids she wants, done.


I am not sure you are entirely true. I did the same thing to my husband and I really love him. It had nothing to do with what I could think consciously - it had something to do with few things he denied me years before. But I couldn't remember that and I couldn't for the life of me understand what is happening to me


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

edgya1234 said:


> I am not sure you are entirely true. I did the same thing to my husband and I really love him. It had nothing to do with what I could think consciously - it had something to do with few things he denied me years before. But I couldn't remember that and I couldn't for the life of me understand what is happening to me


That is why I asked. But the timing is awfully suspicious.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is why I asked. But the timing is awfully suspicious.


We women can't for the life of us talk about that we our significant other especially when we are in love with him. We need specialized advice - I recommend therapy. 
My husband wants to divorce me, is hurt because deep down he still cares, is asking me to speak to somebody and well I've just figure it out 
I want my own Christian Gray but I am afraid he might find me sick and twisted


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

edgya1234 said:


> Keep in mind that she might not know the answer herself. I am a young woman and I used to love sex and I did that to my husband and did not understand way. An army of therapists, shame, my friends, my love for him, nothing would help. It felt like rape. Until my mind opened and I found the reason


If having sex with your husband felt like rape, what did it feel like to withhold basic human needs from your husband? I can't wrap my head around the concept of allegedly "loving" someone while simultaneously choosing to deliberately starve them. I swear, If I knew my wife was hurting for physical attention and I could provide it, I had sworn to provide it, but I just refused to do so, I'd feel like the cruelest, most evil being on the planet. 
I've gone without longer than any man should ever be expected to, but I haven't gone four years without! I seriously can't imagine anyone doing that to another person and still believing they qualify for inclusion as a member of the human race. It would have been far more compassionate for her to castrate her husband with a dull, rusty knife. Slitting his throat would have been kinder.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

geek said:


> Hi She has NO sex drive what-so-ever. I want to have sex with my wife but she has absolutely no interest.





geek said:


> but the only person I want to have sex with is my wife.


Though this may sound counter intuitive, I can guarantee (barring medical issues) that the first issue above is directly related to the second issue. You need to change the second thing and the first will follow. Women don't find nice doormats sexy. Learn some attraction techniques. Make yourself sexy until you will no longer tolerate this treatment because the other options are knocking your door down. How often do women hit on you? What is your waist size? How confident are you in your appearance and physical ability? I don't need to read much past "I only want my wife" to know that you are at your wife's beck and call and you need to work on yourself, this is your issue not hers. (again barring medical issues which she, as a good wife, should be more then happy to check out)




geek said:


> This start as soon as she got pregnant with our 2nd child.


Same with me. She gave me duty sex for 10 years until another man showed her where her libido went.

Don't let it happen to you.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> If having sex with your husband felt like rape, what did it feel like to withhold basic human needs from your husband? I can't wrap my head around the concept of allegedly "loving" someone while simultaneously choosing to deliberately starve them. I swear, If I knew my wife was hurting for physical attention and I could provide it, I had sworn to provide it, but I just refused to do so, I'd feel like the cruelest, most evil being on the planet.
> I've gone without longer than any man should ever be expected to, but I haven't gone four years without! I seriously can't imagine anyone doing that to another person and still believing they qualify for inclusion as a member of the human race. It would have been far more compassionate for her to castrate her husband with a dull, rusty knife. Slitting his throat would have been kinder.


I explained myself badly. I couldn't stand his touch, his kiss etc. So rape was just a bad analogy. 
I couldn't know it was cruel, I didn't have no clue. I felt sick with myself, ashamed for not feeling like a woman when just a wile ago I wanted sex ten times a day. Believe me I've tried all types of therapy. It seems it was from some things he denied me years before and I felt rejected even if I did not realized at that moment. My subconscious chose to react by shutting my body down. I still wanted him, still attracted to him but something felt wrong. I didn't know last year and I know now. I have some different needs from him and because of those past No's I was ashamed of my needs and ashamed to share them. Please don't judge me I've hurt myself ten thousands more than I ever hurt him


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

usmarriedguy said:


> I would say that it is very unlikely to change. Maybe she never liked sex and only did it because she wanted kids and now there is no more reason for her to have sex.
> 
> I think that is nice of you to keep your family unit a priority in this situation. As far as sex goes I guess you are on your own.
> 
> As long as the relationship is otherwise healthy and happy I see no reason that sex has to be a part of it. As long as you are OK with it. I think a lot of people would be too pissed off to stay.




Are you being sarcastic usmarriedguy?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Please don't judge me I've hurt myself ten thousands more than I ever hurt him."

How could you possibly know, that unless your husband came home every day, told you that you were ugly, told you that your needs didn't matter to him, that you weren't really even a person, etc?

The only person on earth who knows how badly your husband hurt is your husband. Other spouses who have received similar treatment from their wives or husbands can sort of relate. The only pain you can relate to is your own, but that doesn't mean your wounds were deeper. As far as judging you, I don't even know you. Whether you are Rebecca of Sunny Brooke Farm or the Devil, doesn't matter to me and my opinion shouldn't matter to you. I have my own little slice of heaven to deal with over here. Your thing is between you and your husband. I was merely trying to get a peek into a world I cannot possibly understand, trying to figure out how a withholder's mind works, because from my own limited perspective, it just seems like selfishness, cruelty, and abuse when you're on the receiving end.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> "Please don't judge me I've hurt myself ten thousands more than I ever hurt him."
> 
> How could you possibly know, that unless your husband came home every day, told you that you were ugly, told you that your needs didn't matter to him, that you weren't really even a person, etc?
> 
> The only person on earth who knows how badly your husband hurt is your husband. Other spouses who have received similar treatment from their wives or husbands can sort of relate. The only pain you can relate to is your own, but that doesn't mean your wounds were deeper. As far as judging you, I don't even know you. Whether you are Rebecca of Sunny Brooke Farm or the Devil, doesn't matter to me and my opinion shouldn't matter to you. I have my own little slice of heaven to deal with over here. Your thing is between you and your husband. I was merely trying to get a peek into a world I cannot possibly understand, trying to figure out how a withholder's mind works, because from my own limited perspective, it just seems like selfishness, cruelty, and abuse when you're on the receiving end.


I felt I couldn't do it and I wouldn't understand why. This is the reason I find this thread could help myself as well. He knew I love him, he knew I was trying to find a solution and he always said is OK Just now he tells me how much it hurts. I had no idea. A woman's mind is an entire different universe 
I wished he would have push me more. I would have realized sooner


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

edgya1234 said:


> We women can't for the life of us talk about that we our significant other especially when we are in love with him. We need specialized advice - I recommend therapy.


I am female. I have exactly NO problem discussing anything and everything with my husband. If you do, I agree that therapy would be useful.



> My husband wants to divorce me, is hurt because deep down he still cares, is asking me to speak to somebody and well I've just figure it out
> I want my own Christian Gray but I am afraid he might find me sick and twisted


Therapy sooner may have been better than later. But I think you should start your own thread.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

edgya1234 said:


> I felt I couldn't do it and I wouldn't understand why. This is the reason I find this thread could help myself as well. He knew I love him, he knew I was trying to find a solution and he always said is OK Just now he tells me how much it hurts. I had no idea. A woman's mind is an entire different universe
> I wished he would have push me more. I would have realized sooner


Most men don't want to be that "needy" husband. What man want to beg for sex? That's not all that manly and usually makes men feel less desired. It's good you were trying for a solution, but withholding sex destroys a mans confidence... Once a husband has been denied sex from HIS WIFE for a long time, and in the OP case...4 YEARS, any chance of being confident with a new woman will take a lot recovering from that... It does hurt...

Even when the husband "mans up" acts a little more alpha, works out, does the 180, reads all the right books, and still the wife has zero desire? The frustration, anger, resentments just build beyond repair... 



There is the possibility that some women actually have zero sex drive like the OP's wife... Just like some men have ed and can't get an erection, so they may avoid sex because of that... However, if I ever get ed... I would very happily give my wife oral every single time she wanted....especially if I thought it was something she wanted and needed...


Edgya-

What are you doing to fix your situation with your husband?

What can the op do to help his wife understand his need for sex and intimacy? 

What is it that would help you desire your husband and want sex.

Is there still resentments you hold over his head?



I hope geek comes back... I think there are so many husbands in the same situation..they want to keep the family together at all cost, no matter how much it hurts...Maybe we think we are just horndogs for wanting more sex than our wife, so it becomes our problem.


----------



## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Tango,
> 
> If someone leaves a sexless marriage is the loss so great?
> 
> ...


I do live in a sexless marriage. I also understand some of why that is. I would not only be a fool but also a beyotch if I left him because he was trying to be considerate to my situation. I have medical problems and he tried to accommodate. Doesn't mean we don't have issues, but until I get nothing from him, not just sex but, good company, his sense of humour, financial support...he is still my husband and he strays he's gone! So I'm not going anywhere because the price I would pay would be too high in my estimation.If he can't have sex with me on a regular basis, he's not going to have it with so one else and still be married to me. That is a deal breaker and I told him that from day one. Things are looking up here though.:smthumbup:


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Trickster said:


> Most men don't want to be that "needy" husband. What man want to beg for sex? That's not all that manly and usually makes men feel less desired. It's good you were trying for a solution, but withholding sex destroys a mans confidence... Once a husband has been denied sex from HIS WIFE for a long time, and in the OP case...4 YEARS, any chance of being confident with a new woman will take a lot recovering from that... It does hurt...
> 
> Even when the husband "mans up" acts a little more alpha, works out, does the 180, reads all the right books, and still the wife has zero desire? The frustration, anger, resentments just build beyond repair...
> 
> ...


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Tango said:


> I do live in a sexless marriage. I also understand some of why that is. I would not only be a fool but also a beyotch if I left him because he was trying to be considerate to my situation. I have medical problems and he tried to accommodate. Doesn't mean we don't have issues, but until I get nothing from him, not just sex but, good company, his sense of humour, financial support...he is still my husband and he strays he's gone! So I'm not going anywhere because the price I would pay would be too high in my estimation.If he can't have sex with me on a regular basis, he's not going to have it with so one else and still be married to me. That is a deal breaker and I told him that from day one. Things are looking up here though.:smthumbup:


You have a medical problem...that's different... We don't know if the op's wife has a medical issue... The problem is when the wife...or the husband refused to see a Dr.about a sexual disfunction.


----------



## edgya1234 (Apr 10, 2014)

Trikster, all women want sex. We are built same as you. We do not perceive you as horndogs. However we need more digging to find the solution to a problem. If a guy stop pushing us (gently) - I mean persuade us we will not change the issue or change it to late. 
From all my heart I recommend all men here, if they love their wives, to remember what the woman wanted when they were hot and heavy and do just that. She might not ask.


----------



## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

edgya1234 said:


> Trikster, all women want sex. We are built same as you. We do not perceive you as horndogs. However we need more digging to find the solution to a problem. If a guy stop pushing us (gently) - I mean persuade us we will not change the issue or change it to late.
> From all my heart I recommend all men here, if they love their wives, to remember what the woman wanted when they were hot and heavy and do just that. She might not ask.


Not true... Not all women want sex. Just like not all men want sex...some men have ed and some women have their own sexual issues...some women stay dry, don't touch themselves, never get themselves off, would never use a vibrator, and sex is always painful, and is just fine with that...absolutely refuses to see a Doc.

And your 50SOG i bought my wife? She thought that was comedy.


A guy friend of mine divorced his wife because he had ed... He knew she had a normal sex drive and he wanted her to find that...He didn't want to put her in a position to cheat. He knew how important sex was to her....They still hang out all the time because they get along so well...just no sex...

The XW still hasn't found a decent man.. She wants a man nice like her XH that also has a strong sex drive. She can't find both.


----------



## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

If you want to know why your wife doesn't want to have sex with you and how you can get her to again, watch this. 

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Talk Video | TED.com


----------

