# 13 years later he still loves me and still wont help me



## SomewhereBtwn (4 d ago)

I come from a unsuportive family. In my youth I always felt compelled to walk on egg shells, hide how you feel typical productive of divorced parent who I never really speak to eachother outside of a hi and by dying drop off. So when I met my husband whis family oriented, older and was totally intrigued with my independence by true thought my strength I fell. And I've kept falling. With him I realized I had lots of anger built up and struggled with trust and expectations. I worked hard to change, we both agree I've chagd the problem is. Over 13 years he does not work he does not maintain stead work and is extremely irresponsible. My life forced me to learn hard work and independence and he seems to have learned nothing about caring for a family let alone providing. He has become so angry over the years triggering me at time to return to old defenses. Our son goes to private school, we have a car note, just purchases a house, I soley finance it all. I organize it all I do all the family planning and we share cleaning but I do that a lot to. From anniversary to kid activities I plan organize and pay for it all. I am drained. And when I ask for help my husband gets angry with me, he guilts me, he yells, he will give me cold silence until I miss his friendship, his willingness to "love" m and ask for forgiveness. I feel like he starves me for love when I d anything that causes him discomfort. And I want to leave but I'm afraid. In my adult life he has been my only friend, my only lover and I feel confused to want to leave but know I'll miss the person who made me feel heard when I wasn't. I also wonder if he has just kept my spirits up so I can work and take care of him. Even when he does work he doesn't give me a dollar for bills. At time I have never felt loved as in you know who I am and like me for just who I am. He used to make me feel like he liked me like just me being me was enough. And he still does as long as I don't complain and it's killing me working doing everything alone. I keep thinking if I leave I wouldn't have the pin of knowing he sees me hurting and just doesn't care. But so afraid that I will have no one or find anyone who likes me for me enough to love me..
Anything helps.
Sincerely, 

Torn


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think he did just learn how to manipulate you so he could mooch off of you but he certainly has taken it a long ways. I would suggest you start making friends and doing hobbies and things that will bring you friends so you won't feel so isolated.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Good lord.

Go to Amazon and order "Codependent No More." Then read it over and over and over until you see the light.


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## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

Sounds like my situation except your stable. Has this been going on your entire marriage or just the last 13 years? Is his name on any of your assests car, home, ect? Im sure that you can prove that you have worked and provided for the family and that everything that you guys have is because of your hard work. Id say you are better off without hm and kick him to the curb. You do everything for yourself anyways so you really don't need him. Obviously he isn't loving you the way you should be or want. He certianly doesn't care about your feelings and wants very little to do with you or little one but will be present for family time/activities. You should already see that you have been living without him already anyways, and have been for a while. Its time to put your foot down if he doesn't agree to counseling or something to fix your marriage then I say its dead and has been dead for a bit. Just think about it long and hard but I think you already know deep in your heart that your the willing party that wants your family and he isn't. Id protect yourself and your child and I would see a lawyer just to see what your options are. Then continue to move forward from there.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

13 years of the same? Then, you can't blame anyone but yourself for it. You became a doormat where he can sweep his shoes at will.

13 years, and here you are still ranting about it. By now whatever you say, enters through one ear and goes out through the other, because to him your complaining is nothing but noise. He knows that that's all there is to it, because he knows and understand that you won't do anything other than to nag, and nag, and nag.

Actions, conséquences, are what people understand. You need to start getting in the frame of mind that if you want to remain with him at all cost, then stop complaining, accept your lot and be so, so, happy with what you got.

In the other hand if you want to stop being a doormat, then get rid of him. Divorce him and that's that. One less lead anchor off your shoulders. You will eventually feel at lot better without that weight dragging you down.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

SomewhereBtwn said:


> I come from a unsuportive family. In my youth I always felt compelled to walk on egg shells, hide how you feel typical productive of divorced parent who I never really speak to eachother outside of a hi and by dying drop off. So when I met my husband whis family oriented, older and was totally intrigued with my independence by true thought my strength I fell. And I've kept falling. With him I realized I had lots of anger built up and struggled with trust and expectations. I worked hard to change, we both agree I've chagd the problem is. Over 13 years he does not work he does not maintain stead work and is extremely irresponsible. My life forced me to learn hard work and independence and he seems to have learned nothing about caring for a family let alone providing. He has become so angry over the years triggering me at time to return to old defenses. Our son goes to private school, we have a car note, just purchases a house, I soley finance it all. I organize it all I do all the family planning and we share cleaning but I do that a lot to. From anniversary to kid activities I plan organize and pay for it all. I am drained. And when I ask for help my husband gets angry with me, he guilts me, he yells, he will give me cold silence until I miss his friendship, his willingness to "love" m and ask for forgiveness. I feel like he starves me for love when I d anything that causes him discomfort. And I want to leave but I'm afraid. In my adult life he has been my only friend, my only lover and I feel confused to want to leave but know I'll miss the person who made me feel heard when I wasn't. I also wonder if he has just kept my spirits up so I can work and take care of him. Even when he does work he doesn't give me a dollar for bills. At time I have never felt loved as in you know who I am and like me for just who I am. He used to make me feel like he liked me like just me being me was enough. And he still does as long as I don't complain and it's killing me working doing everything alone. I keep thinking if I leave I wouldn't have the pin of knowing he sees me hurting and just doesn't care. But so afraid that I will have no one or find anyone who likes me for me enough to love me..
> Anything helps.
> Sincerely,
> 
> Torn


People get treated how they allow themselves to be treated.
As regards you being afraid that you`ll have no one or find anyone who likes you enough to love you, well it seems that`s the situation you`re in now.
I suggest you ask your husband for a trial separation and experience the single life for a while because you won`t know until you try.
Otherwise you`ll still be stuck with this deadbeat and continue to be the long and suffering.
Think about it.


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## SomewhereBtwn (4 d ago)

Mommyto2 said:


> Sounds like my situation except your stable. Has this been going on your entire marriage or just the last 13 years? Is his name on any of your assests car, home, ect? Im sure that you can prove that you have worked and provided for the family and that everything that you guys have is because of your hard work. Id say you are better off without hm and kick him to the curb. You do everything for yourself anyways so you really don't need him. Obviously he isn't loving you the way you should be or want. He certianly doesn't care about your feelings and wants very little to do with you or little one but will be present for family time/activities. You should already see that you have been living without him already anyways, and have been for a while. Its time to put your foot down if he doesn't agree to counseling or something to fix your marriage then I say its dead and has been dead for a bit. Just think about it long and hard but I think you already know deep in your heart that your the willing party that wants your family and he isn't. Id protect yourself and your child and I would see a lawyer just to see what your options are. Then continue to move forward from there.


In the beginning it wasn't exactly this way. He had his own and I had mine. After a few years the consistent job loss stated. After he loss his families support I saw how truly irresponsible he was and his lack of ability to really adult life. I admit I felt bad and thought as a wide I should stand by him and I'd even offered support and resources that helped me gain independence. It turned in to one crisis after another and I found my self just being a fireman and a few months ago it cane to a head with me realizing how unhappy and drained I am. Others here make it seem like wow 13 years same old, the time Flys when your laser focused on building a successful life especially if you come from nothing. My dedication to my and work didn't really allow me time to concentrate too much on issues that I could seemly handle with a withdraw. I saved didn't work fr a year to spend time with my son and go to school. I complained but I did not take any action I as too busy taking action in life and yes to the point of others I put myself last it's never a planned event.. and it's embarrassing and sad. I do realize how much I have taken on and that I could d this on my own. I guess what I'm going through is like a shock and a getting out of denial stage. I have been reviewing mediation and plan to make one offer and one appointment. I have purchased a co-dependency book. Have you read any? Have you left yet? Thanks for understanding and not making me feel like a complete idiot for being in this situation.


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## lmucamac (5 mo ago)

What you describe is not love. You describe your fear of being lonely. as someone else suggested get out, make friends. You know you’re a strong independent woman. She’s lost. Dig deep and find her, and get out of this marriage that’s making you miserable.


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## SomewhereBtwn (4 d ago)

Thank you. I am trying to find that strength again. I know it's there. I'm battling guilt, embarrassment and angry a bit with myself. But I feel very determined not to cntoune this way.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

SomewhereBtwn said:


> Thank you. I am trying to find that strength again. I know it's there. I'm battling guilt, embarrassment and angry a bit with myself. But I feel very determined not to cntoune this way.


This is a great place to be (TAM)... the individuals here will help you find that strength again... ❤


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## DaringGreatly (7 mo ago)

Hi @SomewhereBtwn ,

Welcome to TAM. Sorry you find yourself in this position. 

You have described yourself as independant but truthfully you sound very codependant. Another poster has recommended 'Codependant No More' which is an excellent book.

It sounds like you have not been looking after yourself very well at all. You are taking on all the responsibilties for the family and the finances and never give yourself a chance to rest and recharge and are therefore drained and exhausted.

You need to stop sitting around and waiting for your husband to notice your hard work and treat you kindly and with love and start immediately taking care of yourself. 

Into that busy schedule of yours you need to start scheduling time to rest and recharge. 

If you dont treat yourself, your time and the money you earn as a valuable resource then nobody else will. People do not value you generously giving away your time and energy and effort just because you 'love them', they value what they earn with their own time and energy. You have been giving away yourself and your resources for free - stop doing that before it breaks you.

You sound like a hard working honest women and you desreve to be treated better but your husband is miroring exactly how YOU treat YOURSELF. No time for you, no money for you, no compassion for you. You need to start giving all these things to yourself first. If you don't learn to treat yourself and your resources with love and respect you will just keep repeating this pattern in your relationships. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him you must learn some self love and how to set boundaries.

Yes your husband should be doing his part and behaving better but he won't as long as there are no consequences. Its hard to change another person but you can absolutely work on you and building yourself a great life, if he decideds to put in effort then great but if he continues to behave like an a$$ you will be in a great position to start again and show your kid how to have self respect and enforce boundaries to protect yourself.


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## Mommyto2 (14 d ago)

SomewhereBtwn said:


> In the beginning it wasn't exactly this way. He had his own and I had mine. After a few years the consistent job loss stated. After he loss his families support I saw how truly irresponsible he was and his lack of ability to really adult life. I admit I felt bad and thought as a wide I should stand by him and I'd even offered support and resources that helped me gain independence. It turned in to one crisis after another and I found my self just being a fireman and a few months ago it cane to a head with me realizing how unhappy and drained I am. Others here make it seem like wow 13 years same old, the time Flys when your laser focused on building a successful life especially if you come from nothing. My dedication to my and work didn't really allow me time to concentrate too much on issues that I could seemly handle with a withdraw. I saved didn't work fr a year to spend time with my son and go to school. I complained but I did not take any action I as too busy taking action in life and yes to the point of others I put myself last it's never a planned event.. and it's embarrassing and sad. I do realize how much I have taken on and that I could d this on my own. I guess what I'm going through is like a shock and a getting out of denial stage. I have been reviewing mediation and plan to make one offer and one appointment. I have purchased a co-dependency book. Have you read any? Have you left yet? Thanks for understanding and not making me feel like a complete idiot for being in this situation.


I have not read any co-dependency books. I've been married 12 years and unlike you my husband walked out one me. No rhyme or reason for him to do so. Now I have had to be independent (which you my dear are already doing) and its not as easy for me as the normal person. He was the driver I don't have my license (I know I'm working on getting it.) and live in a rural area where things aren't close. Not only that we were victims of a landlord selling her house that we rented for 5 years because the market went sky high. We've been displaced and living in a motel since Mid August. He left behind our two kids, myself, and a third on the way im 15 weeks. (There is more to my story but this post is about you mine I have a thread for.) Its obvious that your husband doesn't want the help that is offered. You cannot force it on him so at this point you got to worry about your son and yourself. 13 years is not just nothing so don't feel like that. You dedicated your life to this man not knowing that what will happen down he road. Everyone here man or woman have dedicated their lives to their spouse not knowing what will happen in the future. Marriage is a beautiful thing but can cut you down in an instant. Your husband had decisions to make and so do you. YOU are the breadwinner and you need to pit your foot down with issues that are bothering you. If he isn't willing to hear what you have to say and won't change I suggest you end it. It's been the way it has been for so long now and you have dealt with it and he is going to keep thinking that you will unless you put everything out there on the table. It takes two people to be in a marriage and it seems like your husband has both physcially and mentally checked out on you. Yes it will hurt like hell for a while and you will find yourself in tears just from hearing a song, out of pure frustration ect. This will get easier as time goes on. I'm still in that stage myself (its only been 20/12 days or so since my husband left) and its a struggle but when I'm at work it helps I don't put much thought into him because I'm focused. When I'm home it;s harder because beside being around my children which bring me joy I'm so used to having my husband by my side and he's not here. I've leaned into my faith more as in the last couple of years I've fallen away. I watch a woman who preaches her name is Joyce Meyer and I also listen/watch to her talk it out podcast this has been helpful to me during this time. I'm not here to make anyone feel little and no one should. Take the advice that is given to you and follow through with it. Sometiems in the end the results are so much better then expected.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

SomewhereBtwn said:


> Thanks for understanding and not making me feel like a complete idiot for being in this situation.


No one is trying to make you feel like an idiot. You will get various type of advice, from the very compassionate and understanding, soft type of encouragements to the 2x4 types to wake you up, and make you look at your situation with realism, rather than emotions. You need to read and analyzed what people are telling you, regardless of tone. You keep what you think will help you, discard the rest. Just make sure that you don't deceive yourself into taking approaches that are laden with emotional wants and desires for an outcome that you might emotionally want, but that it will be detrimental to you in the long run.


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