# Has anyone here dealt with or had sexual aversion?



## bookgeek890 (Jul 8, 2017)

I think I have sexual aversion but I have no interest in seeing a therapist on the matter simply because I don't think I could trust one enough to have an in person discussion with them on the topic. I have a fairly good idea of why I have it and from what I've read on the matter I am pretty sure it has been here for almost all my life since even growing up I've never self-pleasured or been able to think of having sex and not be at least mildly stressed out about it. I did have a few stress-free sessions with my SO but after the first six months or so each time he wanted to do stuff, I just felt more and more against it like I did before I reached that point with him. At this point we have mutually agreed upon no sex until I feel good enough to have a session and he has stressed that he doesn't want me to have it with him out of guilt for neglecting him in that way physically and emotionally. And we've started talking more about why I feel aversion to it but I was wondering if anyone had gone through this themselves or had any advice because I would like to work on getting over this hurdle but the biggest problem I'm running into at the moment is finding a reason to get better other than "it isn't fair to him to cut off that aspect of our relationship and miss out on that connectivity." Also, I was wondering if doing something specific helped out others.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Actually, you should be doing for yourself. The pleasure you get from it and the closeness with your partner you achieve through sex. Ant be accomplished any other way. There is all the purely biological aspect. Chemicals and hormones are exchanged during sex that strengthens the bond and binds the two of you together.
Everyone is going to assume you have been sexually abused. If that isn't the case you need to make that clear. In any event you should get help to cure this problem as with any other physical or mental problem detrimental to your life.


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## bookgeek890 (Jul 8, 2017)

Yeah, that's one of the biggest problems. I see no reason to do it for myself. And the reason is sexual abuse. Specifically, once when I was really young and then those memories got repressed and I remembered a good chunk of it when I was in a really bad relationship so I got double whammied on that one. And to be honest, posting on a forum is the closest I can get myself for seeking help if only because this is as anonymous as I wish it to be and as far as everyone is concerned, I am a nameless, faceless being out in the world somewhere.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think therapy may make sense if you are suffering from the effects of childhood sexual abuse.

Most people need sex to be happy in a relationship, and even if he wants to continue without sex, if he has typical levels of desire it will make him miserable and likely end the marriage (through infidelity and / or divorce).

For most people this is really important. It is in no way your fault - you were abused, but it is also in no way your partner's fault and he is suffering too. 

You are also missing an important and wonderful part of life.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

I definitely relate. I am a victim of sexual abuse and much of it was repressed....until it wasn't, and I started having flashbacks, etc. I tried to avoid resolving that trauma in various ways: for a very brief period I drank too much, for years I was a workaholic, I abstained from sex, I exhibited various diagnoses of an eating disorder. I finally realized that running away, avoiding, blocking out - none of that would / will work. I'm now attending DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) and EMDR. Sadly, our stories / histories are not rare; therapists encounter patients like us all the time. I've never felt judged or shamed by a therapist. Everything you say is protected by patient confidentiality laws. If you have difficulty actually uttering the words aloud, you can write it or write answers to some questions. Trauma-focused therapists are quite adept at letting the patient move at their own pace, and you can back off the intensity or depth at any time. 

I honestly think seeking therapy for my trauma saved my life. You deserve that same help.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bookgeek890 said:


> Yeah, that's one of the biggest problems. I see no reason to do it for myself. And the reason is sexual abuse. Specifically, once when I was really young and then those memories got repressed and I remembered a good chunk of it when I was in a really bad relationship so I got double whammied on that one. And to be honest, posting on a forum is the closest I can get myself for seeking help if only because this is as anonymous as I wish it to be and as far as everyone is concerned, I am a nameless, faceless being out in the world somewhere.


Without qualified trauma therapy there is no chance imho of you getting over your sexual aversion. The problem is not that you can't feel sensations, nor is it hormones. It is psychological due to the trauma of the abuse and whatever was associated with it.

I highly recommend the book "The Haunted Marriage" for both you and your husband to read.

Also, don't have pity sex or guilt sex with your husband. It won't make it better for him, it will be worse. And it may further traumatize you.

This is not a DIY project to deal with whatever was done to you. This is no different than had you been the victim of a mugging, or if you'd broken a bone in an accident not of your doing. You need whatever the relevant professional help is. In your case it is a psychologist with experience and specialization dealing with child sex abuse. Your husband can never be your therapist either, but he can assist in the process of recovery under the direction of your psychologist.

You are the victim of a crime perpetrated by a twisted individual. You are not defective. You have had the reaction normal people have when subjected to such abuse as a child. Please seek qualified professional help.

Your husband may want to seek counseling for being a Secondary Survivor. You are the Survivor (aka victim). Your close family and loved ones are Secondary Survivors.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

@bookgeek890 If this gets to you, could you report back on how things turned out? Hopefully you're set up so TAM sends an email to you when there's a response; it looks like you were here to read all the replies so far. Yours is a tough story to read. I, like you, had intended to never tell anyone about my most personal of problems, but sometimes we need help. We can't do it on our own, especially when our thinkng has been tainted by past abuse.

Please let us know how you're doing. Thanks-


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

bookgeek890 said:


> Yeah, that's one of the biggest problems. I see no reason to do it for myself. And the reason is sexual abuse.


My ex failed to deal with this in addition to other issues. Another lady I dated not too long ago wasn't abused but was very stunted sexually (she blamed it on ultra-restrictive parents). My experiences have me seeing huge red flags.

For clarity, your statement "I see no reason to do it for myself" I interpret as "I don't have sexual urges so resolving my aversion won't improve my life". That's fair enough, without a positive experience you can't know what you're missing. But, you need to make sure your concept of "do it for myself" has the right scope.

You're not choosing between sex and no sex or between a fuller relationship or one without a sexual connection. You are choosing between having a relationship with this guy or not - between being healthy or having this problem with likely every guy to whom you're attracted in the future. The vast majority of men expect regular sex as part of a relationship.

Eventually, his patience will wear out and he'll move on. And then you'll get caught in a cycle: meet guys, have mutual attraction, pull back to accommodate your aversion, and one of you moves on. Or you'll just stay single. You might find someone asexual and not have to deal with but it's unlikely (the incidence of asexuality is about 1%).

How's my XW doing? She got remarried, was a cold fish to him (among other issues) - our daughter was troubled by their interactions and confided to me - and he bailed out after a few years. Now she still refuses to go to therapy and won't date because "guys always have expectations". Yet she still complains about how hard it is to do everything on your own and laments not having a partner to go through life with. Total denial of her role in that situation, basically.

That other lady? We were both in our mid 40s and dated for several months. She had a brief marriage 20 years prior and had been single since. Hadn't had luck dating and not bothered for a while until we met. When I told her I liked her but it wasn't working, she asked if we could be committed and then see how the sex played out. She then asked for some patience but when nothing changed I just moved on. It's too bad. She was an otherwise good woman - family-oriented, responsible, good job, liked to go out and do things. I'd like to think she learned a lesson and fixed her issues, but given her 20 prior years of singleness and the shade she threw when I moved on, it seems unlikely.

Please don't let yourself get to that point and instead do something about it now.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This is a zombie thread. OP hasn’t been back since 2017.


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