# Ok, I have to ask this question...



## working_together

I have been wondering about this for a while, I always hear people saying they are going to wait to have "relations" with another person until their divorce is final. I get the morality part, but really, if the relationship is done, and you know you're moving on, why wait? We are human, we have our needs. As long as it's not complicated, and doesn't interfere with one's healing, I see it as somewhat theraputic, and helpful towards being able to forget their ex. And think about the awesome sex you're missing out on....

I don't know, I was just curious I guess.


----------



## CLucas976

despite my physical craving for random angry violent hate sex.

sex is something incredibly personal and exposing for me. The idea of giving myself to some random creep for physical fulfillment makes me completely nauseous.

I'm not waiting until a final date, or a divorce finale, I'm just overly concerned about who I let inside me, and why.

I've never been a random sex person.


----------



## Dollystanford

I shan't be waiting for anything, if I meet a guy and I fancy him and he fancies me and wants to get it on then :bringiton:

I'm not saying I'll sleep with just anyone, but I enjoy having sex, it's not a moral thing for me, I sowed many wild oats before I met H but then was totally faithful to him for 13 years

and now I'm back off the leash heh 

watch out boys!


----------



## unsure78

I waited until my divorce was final to start getting out there (not that I have had any sex yet) but that being said from the time i filed ( i filed like a few days after he walked out the door) to the finalization of my divorce was like 2.5 to 3 months. So its not like it was dragging on for me, but even if it was I personally just didnt feel comfortable being with someone else while i will still technically married. But to each his own, whatever is best for YOU!


----------



## mr. blue

Spending time with someone new is great on many levels, but it can also mask your own issues and delay your growth towards standing on your own two feet - if that’s what you want. 

PS: It always gets complicated


----------



## working_together

CLucas976 said:


> despite my physical craving for random angry violent hate sex.
> 
> sex is something incredibly personal and exposing for me. The idea of giving myself to some random creep for physical fulfillment makes me completely nauseous.
> 
> I'm not waiting until a final date, or a divorce finale, I'm just overly concerned about who I let inside me, and why.
> 
> I've never been a random sex person.


I wasn't referring to random sex, but to have a companion who you get along with, and somewhat create a relationship, be it casual.


----------



## working_together

And waiting for the papers to be signed, does it really make a difference in how you feel in terms of your healing??? It doesn't make sense to me. One day is no different than the next, or the week, or month.

And I don't want to sound mean, but it almost sounds like some people judge others who don't wait, and put all the mumbo jumbo, you need to heal, go through the stages of grief etc. I'm 44, I'm not going to wait around for menopause to hit...ya know?

I still don't think it's cheating, but I know a lot of others believe it is, especially if they've been cheated on.


----------



## working_together

mr. blue said:


> Spending time with someone new is great on many levels, but it can also mask your own issues and delay your growth towards standing on your own two feet - if that’s what you want.
> 
> PS: It always gets complicated


Everything in life is complicated...I do see your point, I think it requires a lot of awareness of where the person is at during their grief. Some people fall in love quickly, others take their time, I'm the latter, I don't fall hard.


----------



## tacoma

working_together said:


> I have been wondering about this for a while, I always hear people saying they are going to wait to have "relations" with another person until their divorce is final. I get the morality part, but really, if the relationship is done, and you know you're moving on, why wait? We are human, we have our needs. As long as it's not complicated, and doesn't interfere with one's healing, I see it as somewhat theraputic, and helpful towards being able to forget their ex. And think about the awesome sex you're missing out on....
> 
> I don't know, I was just curious I guess.


I`m with you working.

The best way to get over a woman is to get under a new one.


----------



## babyowlsrcute

I jumped from bed to bed after my sepporation and now I'm wondering what become of my life (a personal post about my like is forthcoming) and all I can say is do what's right for you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CLucas976

working_together said:


> I wasn't referring to random sex, but to have a companion who you get along with, and somewhat create a relationship, be it casual.


oh. well in that case..

there's no wait for any specific date there either. I just think it is incredibly unhealthy for where my mind was and is still at to attempt a relationship casual or otherwise. I knew when I left I had a lot of work to do on myself, and bringing someone else into that train wreck would have lead to me repeating my past mistake and completely dumping myself into another person instead of working through the things i needed to work through for me.

I need to continue to prove that I am capable of things myself, and really needed to solidfy who I am and get my personality back.

Otherwise, it might have felt less lonely, but I would have just molded into the perfect person for that relationship instead of taking care of myself and my own business first.


----------



## Dollystanford

I'm not jumping back in feet first

but if something comes along then I'm game, I certainly won't be looking for anything serious

I've totally emotionally detached from my marriage and consider myself single though


----------



## nice777guy

working_together said:


> I wasn't referring to random sex, but to have a companion who you get along with, and somewhat create a relationship, be it casual.


Do some reading online about Friends with Benefits. At some point - someone will get their feelings hurt. If this "companion" is someone you are willing to risk losing, then go for it!

And no one is judging you - just trying to answer your questions and point out the potential pitfalls.


----------



## deejov

working_together said:


> And waiting for the papers to be signed, does it really make a difference in how you feel in terms of your healing??? It doesn't make sense to me. One day is no different than the next, or the week, or month.
> 
> And I don't want to sound mean, but it almost sounds like some people judge others who don't wait, and put all the mumbo jumbo, you need to heal, go through the stages of grief etc. I'm 44, I'm not going to wait around for menopause to hit...ya know?
> 
> I still don't think it's cheating, but I know a lot of others believe it is, especially if they've been cheated on.


My own opinion... if you still have feelings for your ex, then your mind and heart are not truly open to another person. And I think it's more that it's not "fair" to a new person to be dating them, when you aren't open to letting them see the real you, or open to being involved. Paperwork isn't involved in this process.


----------



## Deejo

Really don't mean for this to sound snarky, but once you have settled your own emotional balance sheet, it really doesn't matter.

Whether its FWB, casual but intimate, you think think you have found your soul mate, or your screwing anything with a pulse ... 

Risk, emotional risk is ALWAYS a potential part of that equation.

I didn't wait. Neither did she. It was a wash. With all of the crap that takes place in ending your marriage, I quickly lost the urge or need to cast myself as somehow having the moral high-ground. Only one it really will ever matter to, is yourself.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Well, I waited a month before telling my guy friend I had filed for divorce. He had been just that a friend and had kept his distance from me and me from him while I sorted out my marriage because I honestly did not want my marriage to end on account of having something better lined up for sure. That was important to me, being able to end a marriage because the marriage needed to be ended, for certain. And it eventually was. That took August-end of December at the beginning of February I told my guy friend, at the end of February we got together in that way finally after a month of circling around and chasing each other and so forth it was all in fun...as we knew each other pretty well by then anyway and a fair amount of trust had been established because of the situation I'd been in...we both knew we weren't the cheating types...etc. After ten days of being a couple he had a brain hemorrhage. Now since he is in rehab and under his sister's guardianship in the next state over and I can't see him I have no choice/option but to work on me. So I am. It just worked out that way. I don't have a lot of work during the summer so can dig my heels in and work on myself and my son's situation with his testing and eval and all that he needs. That and just relax. I guess it's good I am not a student plus don't have a lot of work to identify with a career or anything...I will be forced down to the core of who I am and that is not such a bad situation to be in.

I do have a pal in one of my guy's friends, so I get out on fake dates a lot. It is a weird situation as I know how he feels about me but he also knows how my guy feels about me and he is a good friend. I have another guy friend I sometimes do things with too. And another friend who is a good dancer and partners up with me at dance class. And another friend I can call/email when I need a spiritual boost and reinforcement. It's kind of strange having 4 guys I know have a thing for me all being good friends with excellent boundaries in a very strange situation, after being married/involved to a total manipulative power sex hungry jerk for 5 years. Plus my landlord, another guy he works with who sometimes jokes around with me, and my downstairs neighbor (married, he had a brain injury himself last fall, motorcycle mishap, hit from behind.) I am finally starting to believe that my feelings matter and that I have a choice in how my life progresses or that I can make it through the day without being sidelined. Oh and a couple more guys I know through Tango that I haven't seen lately but sometimes check in with. I know some people would say it is not good to be chummy with so many guys but the situation with my boyfriend is open-ended as to whether he will ever get guardianship back and if he does if he will still feel the same about having a relationship with me (he seemed pretty sure last time I talked to him but that was a week ago, before he got moved and his sister decided somehow that it was not in his best interest for him to see me, of course that's ridiculous because his case manager said it was BUT my attorney/judge acquaintance advised me that this is a case of just being scre*ed and time is my ally and nothing else.) Also I find it is good to build up relationships where there is trust because it's been an issue for me in the past. I like having guy friends I can trust who respect the situation. As for relations, twice, lots of fun and memorable. Until I know one way or another about my guy and what his intentions are I won't. It's not that I wouldn't want to, technically speaking, but I would feel like sh*t if it turned out that unknown to me he was planning to resume our relationship and I had been out here just playing around for fun or worse having moved on. That would really stink. Our friend we have in common is going to visit him and see what's what, and yes, I trust him to do that even though I know for sure that I am his type. Sometimes I wonder if these guys took a vow of knighthood or something. They certainly are very different than the guys I married or have been involved with in the past. One thing I am very careful about is not to idealize my relationship with someone who is not here to participate in a day to day thing. If he hadn't had a brain hemorrhage I am sure by now we would have had to sort out jealousies and insecurities and opposite sex friendships and scheduling and logistics and financial stuff. In a way it's kind of nice that I've been spared from moving too fast too soon. Things happen for a reason, and my summer is kind of empty except for having to work on myself and having the opportunity to have guy friends just for the sake of being friends, nobody would date me seriously knowing my situation. But keeping me company now and then and letting me know there are people who care there seem to be a few takers. It is all very therapeutic. I feel bad for my guy who has been literally kidnapped and also now has to deal with brain injury and short term memory loss but it's something that I dealt with myself and I know there is no way to get through it but on your own, nobody can really do that kind of work for you. It is very frustrating. He is also trapped in this kind of abusive relationship with his sister, I was also trapped in an abusive relationship as I held my word that I would give my H (now ex) another chance... it is his relationship to get out of in his own time and his own way...much the same as he waited for me I will wait for him. i.e. not sitting at home pining away, more like going out and making the best of it while waiting for time to sort things out.

Anyway, that's how it worked out for me in terms of "relations". The situation has sort of played out so that I am forced to participate in some kind of 'ideal' scenario of having to work on myself and to only socially date with a built in stop sign that everyone is aware of and nobody wants to violate. At least if my man decides to ditch me I'll have a social life to fall back on.

I have woman friends too. But they are always so busy doing things they 'have' to do. It seems like guys have more time to do stuff like cycling and kayking and hiking and going to movies and eating out and bars. What's up with that?


----------



## working_together

Dollystanford said:


> I'm not jumping back in feet first
> 
> but if something comes along then I'm game, I certainly won't be looking for anything serious
> 
> I've totally emotionally detached from my marriage and consider myself single though


That's how I feel as well, I'm very detached from my marriage, and I actually feel ok with being single, but I was in a miserable marriage in the last year. We were both miserable, I think that's why it was so easy for him to find someone and become attached, although that's not me, I feel like I do need to go through whatever is necessary to move forward, and to enjoy someone's company certainly helps things move faster.

It's confusing though, on one hand I want to move forward, just forget about my whole marriage, but on the other hand I do have things I have to celebrate, that it wasn't all bad, I think it's a healthy way to look at it, and it takes away the bitterness.


----------



## Kearson

I am in the waiting boat, but mine is a matter of principle. Due to the way my vows were worded, I gave my promise to remain faithful as long as STBXH and I were married. I gave my word. Despite the fact that my marriage is emotionally and fundamentally over, it is not legally over. 

Until it is, I'm keeping my pants on. If I make excuses and rationalizations to break my word, then what's to stop me from doing it again if I can come up with a good enough excuse? It's a slippery slope I'm not getting close to. I want my word to mean something, with no gray area.


----------



## LoveMouse

Thru all the cheating my X did...I had talked to the pastor a bunch of times so he knew the hell I had been thru. After she filed for D I went back to him and asked if/when I should consider dating. His answer was this~"Put God first, put the children second. Whenever you feel the time is right I see no problems, you have done more than most men would for ur wife."
I wanted to make sure so I went and talked to another pastor, I told him the story of the cheating, the debt, addictions, and all the other crap like 36weeks of MC for nothing and his reply was this~"Just on the rare chance you are not aware, your M is over, it was over for a long time, you've been holding on to s/t that is dead. If you meet a good Christian woman and you want to date her I see no problems, just make sure you put God first, then the kids." ~BTW, both warned about sex before M.

I am weak tho~
Mouse


----------



## FirstYearDown

nice777guy said:


> Do some reading online about Friends with Benefits. At some point - someone will get their feelings hurt. If this "companion" is someone you are willing to risk losing, then go for it!
> 
> And no one is judging you - just trying to answer your questions and point out the potential pitfalls.


:iagree::iagree:

When I was catting around as a single woman, EVERY SINGLE TIME I tried a FWB arrangement, it ended in tears.

Either I started to like the dude too much or the man would become very posessive and needy. I felt like a mean beyotch when I had to tell a man to back off or remind him that he was not my boyfriend.


----------



## unbelievable

I'd probably wait just long enough to get her out of the driveway and to change the sheets.


----------



## Nsweet

No matter how much it tore me up inside refusing to have any sexual relations with anybody else until after divorce, including kissing, I had to wait. And I had some fine opportunities I passed up because I desperately wanted to reconcile. I just couldn't cheat on my half of the marriage no mater what. 

My ex on the other hand was free to blow every Tom, ****, and Harry as she saw fit, and I know for a fact she cheated - at least kissed another man and never told the OM. I told myself there will come a time when I look a new love in the eyes and have to be truly honest about staying faithful. And I would just rather be cheated on than be the dirtbag who cheats on others.


----------



## madaboutlove

I agree, my marriage vows meant something to me, but now I am divorced. Been out on some dinner dates with an old friend, think about more, its been a long time with no loving, but since my X was my one and only, it will be something of a commitment for me. I would love to try the no commitment stuff but I don't think its for me. And I do worry about the other person involved. What if the sex means a lot to him and then I need to move on? I guess I will just have to go with the flow and do what seems right at the time. I am a good person, sure I will make choices that have some consequences and I will deal with them


----------



## working_together

nice777guy said:


> Do some reading online about Friends with Benefits. At some point - someone will get their feelings hurt. If this "companion" is someone you are willing to risk losing, then go for it!
> 
> And no one is judging you - just trying to answer your questions and point out the potential pitfalls.



My "friendship" is not a fwb, it is dating, but we don't want it to become too serious too quick.


----------



## nice777guy

working_together said:


> My "friendship" is not a fwb, it is dating, but we don't want it to become too serious too quick.


So - it's not serious...

Is the sex just silly then?


----------



## DaKarmaTrain!

working_together said:


> My "friendship" is not a fwb, it is dating, but we don't want it to become too serious too quick.


Aren't you Canadian, Working? A lot of our American friends here might not understand that it takes a year of seperation before a divorce is granted in Canada...

Seems like in a lot of States you could get divorced in a matter of a few weeks??


----------



## working_together

DaKarmaTrain! said:


> Aren't you Canadian, Working? A lot of our American friends here might not understand that it takes a year of seperation before a divorce is granted in Canada...
> 
> Seems like in a lot of States you could get divorced in a matter of a few weeks??


Exactly, you have to be seperated for a full year in Canada in order to file for divorce. I would have filed with in a couple of weeks of our separation, I know my marriage is over, with no chance of R.


----------



## working_together

nice777guy said:


> So - it's not serious...
> 
> Is the sex just silly then?


Not sure what you mean by silly sex???


----------



## nice777guy

working_together said:


> Not sure what you mean by silly sex???


You said it isn't serious...


----------



## working_together

nice777guy said:


> You said it isn't serious...


lol....

Exclusive, but no "I love you", no "where is this going", no "let's move in together", no future talk basically.


----------



## nice777guy

And what happens when one of you meet another person who they want to talk about the future with?


----------



## working_together

nice777guy said:


> And what happens when one of you meet another person who they want to talk about the future with?


Good question, I don't have all the answers. Maybe by that point we'll ask each other "where is this going"...I think he's starting to wonder, he asked me last weekend in a subtle way to kind of gauge my reaction. I told him that I really like the fact that we have a lot in common and get along well, and are very much at the same stage in life with our separations. We both have kids the same age so we laugh a lot about what they do, typical kids stuff. We also agreed that we'd be friends if we decided not to date any longer....that's tough though.


----------



## ABeautifulDisaster

I waited. To me it was just the right thing to do. I don't think anything good ever comes out of a relationship that begins with a partner who is married to another even if it is only by paper. You can be moved on and out emotionally but you are still married. That is just my thoughts on it. It is also viewed by the courts in my state as an affair which leads to grounds here. Grounds are ugly......God forbid you ever have your children meet that person. That makes it even worse. I don't know....all I know is that the next relationship I put myself into is going to mean something or I'm not having sex. I just want MORE than that. I can only speak for me though and I wish to have commitment and butterflies....not necessarily in that order. I'm either going to be all in or not there at all.


----------

