# Confused, lost, and need un-biased advice.



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for about 4 years and together for almost 8. We started out as me 21 and her almost 18. Our relationship started out not liking each other at all. We were both in relationships and worked together. Both of our relationships were not happy ones and we ended up finding friendship in each other. It quickly turned into a desire to be around each other and connect emotionally. We ended up leaving our 'others' and got together. A few days into our separate breakups she slept with her ex and a few months later found out she was pregnant. We knew it wasn't mine because we didn't sleep together for awhile in the beginning. I don't fault her for this anymore. She was just under 18 and had a background of partying and promiscuity. I dealt with the news by jumping headfirst into supporting her and being there for her. 
I didn't deal with any issues that I would have with the situation, and that was a mistake because it led to alot of pent up anger and resentment after our son was born. (other dad wants nothing to do with him, and he's now 6 and I call him as my own) She stayed with me through the anger and how I took it out on her emotionally which I know now is wrong. 

In the course of our time together we've had a son of our own, and bought a house. Somewhere in this time I grew distant from her emotionally and physically. I withdrew into myself and didn't notice it. I just went to work and came home. That spark we had wasn't there and I was too lazy or oblivious to see it. My wife didn't help the situation by pretending she was still happy and that nothing was wrong; so I didn't do anything to fix a problem that I didn't see. 
We've always had non-disposable income and had to struggle to make things work out. Recently our home was foreclosed and we had to move. It ended up working out for our situation because we're renting a home closer to our places of work and our oldest can begin kindergarten in the town we wanted. Our relationship was beginning to experience problems that we were beginning to discuss before we had to move. ie dealing with the emotional withdrawel. But when we moved here we got the internet and within two weeks of getting the internet is when the problems started. 

I had trust issues with my wife that I had worked on by myself and was at the point where I was ok with things. I used to make comments to her when she got back from a night out, which either of us hardly do because we work opposite shifts to save money on daycare and our time is spent with the kids. I ended up seeing the history was open one day, which I'd noticed before but never investigated even though I felt I should. Just scrolling through the history I found alot of web activity at a sex website and went to it. Somehow one of the links I clicked on went right into her account and I saw what it was really all about. It was an adult website dating service and I was in her personal ad looking for love. I was devastated with this, and called her at work just going crazy. She even tried to deny it at first until I started reading back information to her. We had many long talks over the next week or so, some were healing and others were vent sessions. We talked about why we'd gotten to the point where she was looking around for companionship and I found she was talking to a guy already and into how he made her feel. She deleted her account and emailed everyone she talked to to leave her alone to try and start getting my trust back. We are trying to re-ignite what we once had and I thought we were doing a good job at it. I'm not a social person by nature and have been forcing myself into situations to branch myself out emotionally and to make her happy. I've had bad days but had strung a week or so of good days together without the all consuming bad day happening. Then I found out that she had searched for this guy, she had contacted before, on myspace and was sent back down because I'd opened myself up to her and felt that she was just betraying my attempt at trusting her. I found out about other little lies that she was telling about things but nothing too big. We ended up not sleeping in the same bed over this last thing, and she didn't talk to me about it. I emailed her just a long ramble of my feelings and she emailed me back that she isn't happy and she doesn't know why. She wants to leave me, but she loves me and then she flops to not wanting to leave me. She said that the reconnecting time we'd spent seemed forced to her even though I thought we were making some real progress on that because I felt things starting to spark back up and I thought she'd felt the same. 
We're going to stay up and talk tonight when she gets home from work and talk things out.
I really don't know what to do. I feel betrayed and lost. I don't want to live without her, but I don't know if I can get past this. We've been talking that maybe divorce or separation might be the way to go. I wish we could do counseling, but we can't afford to see anyone and I'd much rather sit with someone then do something online that might be free. I want this to work and I think she does too, but I'm really confused with this whole thing and what I should do. 
I also want to apologize for the length of this. I tend to ramble when I'm explaining things, as you can see, and hope that someone can give me some unbiased advice. Our friends and family are very 'side' oriented.


----------



## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

well...l think that unless she is ready to commit fully to your marriage theres not a lot you can do. You can do things to better yourself no matter where the relationship goes. 

If you really can't afford counsling, there are alot of good books about infidelity, and strengthening a marriage.

Good luck.


----------



## josh1081 (Jul 10, 2009)

Thanks for responding. Her and I talked for 4 hours last night and got alot out about what is going on. She is basically where I was with her emotions and I am on my way to getting better. She said she is having a hard time feeling anything right now, and not just with us. She's having a hard time connecting with our kids, people she works with, and even some of her longtime friends. Some of this had to do with her thinking I wasn't commited to changing myself because I've said many times before I would and then a few weeks into it I'd regress. I think I convinced her about my sincerity this time though because this was one of those epiphany (sp) type of moments for me. I told her that I'd support her and help her work out whatever is wrong with her. I don't know if she has some type of mental problem, her dad had skitsophrenia (sp again), or if she's just having a hard time coping with all the change that is going on. She felt like I was forcing myself to try and love her again but that wasn't the case. 
I really hope this is one of those best case scenario type of things because at our core we're a pretty strong couple, but we just have some big issues we need to tackle.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Josh,
For a year and a half you have hand issues and resently they have gotten worse. My intent is not to pour salt in to the wound but to look at the past and see were you and her have gone since that time in July'09. It appears you have done most of the change. Just something to think about.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> Somewhere in this time I grew distant from her emotionally and physically. I withdrew into myself and didn't notice it. I just went to work and came home. That spark we had wasn't there and I was too lazy or oblivious to see it. . . .Some of this had to do with her thinking I wasn't commited to changing myself because I've said many times before I would and then a few weeks into it I'd regress.


So, you withdrew, she tried to get you to change, and you didn't. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now the marriage is at risk. 

You are on very shaky ground because she already devoted a ton of energy to trying to make the marriage work, and it didn't. The fact that she was seeking attachment elsewhere is a huge sign screaming "I have given up on this marriage as a source of happiness and am just trying to find a way to be happy in a marriage that is empty." She was 100% wrong in looking outside the marriage; she really owed it to you to end the marriage first. BUT, while she is at fault for that--and it needs to be dealt with in its own way--you are 100% responsible for YOUR part in the breakdown of the marriage in the first place. So, what CAN you do about it?

As others will tell you, you need to become a better man--one she can respect and trust. You've lied, too, by promising to change and then not doing it. You've broken HER trust by these lies. Therefore, your first and most important job is to be a man who can be trusted to keep his word. 

There is no guarantee that this will save your marriage, but it will sure as hell make you a better and happier person no matter what happens in the long run. She has to decide if she's willing to give YOU yet another chance.

Of course, you also have to decide if you can give HER another chance. You must insist on 100% NO CONTACT with the OM, and she needs to give up all privacy (email passwords, etc., as well as accounting for her whereabouts without resentment if you ask). She needs to agree to live like this for as long as it takes for you to trust her again--and no one can tell you how long that will take. You have to regain trust on your timetable, not hers. Just as she has to regain trust in you on her timetable, not yours. 

It's a daunting set of tasks, for sure. I wish you both good luck in deciding what to do and working it out.


----------

