# Getting over EA



## catdm (Jun 29, 2018)

I am 47 years old. I met my high school sweetheart when we were 17. We dated for 2 1/2 years and then broke up for a period of time. During our break up, I joined the Air Force. We got back together right before I left for basic training. The plan was that I would only stay in for 4 years and then go back home, so we got engaged. We were engaged for almost 3 years before things went bad. Long distance is hard to make work, and it was mainly my fault that we broke up. 

We both married different people. I retired from the Air Force and have been married 22 years. I have two children (20 & 14). The OM has been married 22 years also, and has one child (17). I still keep in touch with his family, so I decided to reach out to see if he wanted to talk. My marriage was in a rough place, and I was lonely. As soon as we started talking...it became intense. The OM said his marriage had not been great, but he was doing what he needed to for his son. It's like a wound was ripped open. It turned into a full on EA. Hours and hours of texting and talking to include phone sex and pics. The OM said that I was the love of his life, and he had never forgotten me. We cried/laughed/could talk about everything. My husband got suspicious after a month and checked phone logs. He was devastated and left for one week. He decided to come home, but demanded that I have no further contact with the OM. We also went to marriage counseling. My husband did not know the extent of the EA. Also, I never told the OM that my husband found out. In the meantime, I got a second phone and continued the EA for 5 more months. I was basically living a double life... We would communicate 4 to 6 hours a day...sometimes longer. As things got more intense...I started putting more emotional pressure on the OM. The child he had with his wife was not his. She had an affair on him early in their marriage, and he found out after their son was born. He took on the role of father and they worked out their marriage. During this six months we were in contact, he said that his son was his number one...he made that very clear. I completely supported that, but every conversation we had was on his terms. I would sometimes get upset if our usual routine changed. He finally got tired of it, and sent me a goodbye message..."I have been very busy, and cannot continue to explain my first priority. I think we should live our lives until we make up our minds. I wish you the best". I messaged him back basically saying "I understood and would respect that, and that I only wanted happiness for him". I have been devastated and cannot stop thinking about him. I know it needed to end and the EA could not continue like it was without eventually getting caught. My husband wasn't perfect over the years, but since he initially found out, he has been trying so hard. I know what I did was wrong, but I need help processing the pain I am feeling. How can the OM have said all of the things he said to me and then just end things so easily? It has taken every ounce of energy not to try to reach back out to him. I wish I could just turn off the pain. As I look back, I don't believe he was telling me the entire truth about his marriage. he said they had not had sex for almost two years, and that it had been once a year or year and a half since their son was born. He is a scorpio, and I find that very hard to believe. I just want to know why he just ended things so easily. I know I am all over the place...I am just in turmoil.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There is no simple solution to the pain you have exposed yourself to other than to take it a day at a time, with no contact. Affairs are like a drug, and an addict cannot quit "cool turkey" with a hit here and there.

You opened yourself up to this. You truly have nobody to blame but yourself. 

Additionally, you were willing to leave your husband for your AP. Why do you want to work it out with your husband now? Doesn't he deserve better than to be a consolation prize?

Fair warning: this site will be hard on you. If you can have thick enough skin to see through the pain posters are laying out here, you will find amazing advice. 

There is no growth without pain.


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## catdm (Jun 29, 2018)

The EA became so intense. We could feel each other's emotions...we completed each other's thoughts. It was indescribable. he would say things like I was the only love for him, he wanted to grow old with me, he would love me until his last breath. Towards the end of the EA, he said that if his wife changed, he would stay with her. If she wanted to have sex, he would have sex with her. He loved her, but was not in love with her. He was not going to divorce her any time soon because divorce is like death to a child. When I told him that his son is 17, he got really mad at me for saying that. He said it didn't matter what age he was...he would not leave his marriage unless he knew his son was emotionally stable enough to handle it. Basically, I don't think he had any intention of ever leaving his wife.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He surely did not. But here is the crux of it...he only took what you WILLINGLY GAVE. You got played.

More importantly, why did you give yourself permission to pursue anything outside of your marriage instead of divorcing?

You need to get yourself into individual counseling (IC) ASAP to address why you gave yourself permission to sleep with a married man while you were also married, potentially leading to the demise of two families.
@Affaircare


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Furthermore, what about your husband in all of this? 

I hear zero regard for what this has done to him.

He knows about the affair, but not the depth of it. How would he feel knowing you were willing to leave him for your AP?


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## catdm (Jun 29, 2018)

We never had slept together. It doesn't make it any less wrong, but we never met in person.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Minimizing your affair is an attempt to avoid personal accountability.

Do you think this will make your husband feel any better?



catdm said:


> We never had slept together. It doesn't make it any less wrong, but we never met in person.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Thats BullSh*t. What you are seeing is Limerence. Look it up. You are looking for high school romance. But the trick of it is...It's not real, and it never lasts. You never even mentioned the pain you put your ACTUAL husband through. Never even saw him for what he was to you. A solid husband for 22 years! You...Not so much. An EA is often worse I think, because of the actual disconnect from your partner and mate. You relegated him to Plan B, and discounted his fidelity for it's entirety. When the actual betrayal hits him, he will have lost ALL trust with you. Because, a one night thing, or a fling on a weekend out is a known qualifier. An on-going EA cannot be measured by the BH and he will feel emasculated to say the least. 

Do NOT expect your BH to "feel" your pain from losing an affair partner. That is laughable at best. You need counselling and fast. Wait till the negative cycles start... I would also start reading some great books to get yourself out of the "me" mode and looking at reality.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

catdm said:


> We never had slept together. It doesn't make it any less wrong, but we never met in person.


That doesn't matter one iota. You betrayed your husband. You continue to use his past behavior as a rational for your actions and you have done more damage to him and your marriage than you can imagine. You owe him a full explanation of what happened and own the responsibility for your actions. You need to feel true remorse for what you have done to him, not wallow in your own sorrow about the loss for the **** head you thought you were in love with. You need to ask his forgiveness find ways to repair the marriage, if he'll have you. This is totally on you, not him! You made the decision to emotionally connect with another man and it's not much different than ****ing him. 

You mentioned he is trying so hard to fix things, well that is total bull****! That means he is trying to carry the weight of the mess the marriage is in and it could emotionally destroy him if you don't take on the burden. That's what happened to me 10 years ago when I discovered my wife's long term, long distance EA. I heard the same crap. Got a laundry list of why I was such a ****ty husband and I tried to "fix" everything on it. I carried the guilt, angst, anger and loss of self confidence inside me and eventually I got to the point I didn't recognize myself. I emotionally imploded in the process. Can you feel the rage I have for what you are doing? THIS THREAD TRIGGERED ME AND IT STILL ****ING HURTS!


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

I hope you come to terms with what you have done to yourself, your husband and your marriage.

You stated that at one point you spent 4-6 hours a day communicating with the OM - which likely means you thought about the OM pretty much most of the day and where does that leave your husband??

You essentially had no emotional energy left to put towards your husband and your marriage, and this was largely all your doing.

Now, the marriage issues between you and your husband can be shared equally, but the affair you had is all on you unfortunately.

It is hard and the OM did the right thing in breaking it off. Like it has been mentioned, your affair was addicting to you and of course has profound emotional impact on you. 

Yet, I'm pretty sure you had those same feelings for your now husband at some point.

Not sure what else to add here but there are several good books that might help you to get things started in repairing your marriage if that is what you and your husband wants.

One book is "surviving an affair" I think by Willard Harley - someone will correct this if I am mistaken.

Good luck.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly the only victim here is your husband, OM's wife frankly carries no weight. But here is the thing....I fear he is playing you, if he cared that much for you he would divorce her, after all the child is 17 not 7, the kid could handle it. But I feel bad for your husband, guess what ....most marriages are not perfect...some even suck but that does not mean you look for something else while your still in it. Trust me on that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

catdm said:


> My husband wasn't perfect over the years, but since he initially found out, he has been trying so hard.


So your husband feels the emotional distance and is doing the pick me dance. Doesn't realize that his wife has emotionally given herself to another. That is some serious emotional abuse.

So I understand this. Your OM won't leave his wife and their kid, that is a result of an affair she had but you're willing to throw away your husband who has been true to you.

You want help in getting over this wonderful OM of yours. Confess to your BH. The whole truth. When you see the devastation in his eyes, you'll know that his love for you is real. 

Right now you're in a fogged up mess. Without a care for anyone but yourself. The welfare and stability of your 2 kids mean absolutely nothing to you. When they learn that mommy has been betraying their dad what do you think that will do to them?

Your comment about your OM's kid being 17, shows your mentality. You don't care how many lives are disrupted as long as you get your fantasy. And that is what it is. You've built this guy into some perfect guy. Crapping on your husband, who's built a life with you and is trying to restore what you secretly want to destroy. 

I've read so many threads from women like you. It rarely works out for them. They're a few successful dual home wreckers. But when you read their threads, it sounds like they're trying so hard to make other's believe that what they did was worth it. 20 year marriages with multiple kids in their teens. Blow it all up. Mommy has to be happy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

catdm said:


> I am 47 years old. I met my high school sweetheart when we were 17. We dated for 2 1/2 years and then broke up for a period of time. During our break up, I joined the Air Force. We got back together right before I left for basic training. The plan was that I would only stay in for 4 years and then go back home, so we got engaged. We were engaged for almost 3 years before things went bad. Long distance is hard to make work, and it was mainly my fault that we broke up.
> 
> We both married different people. I retired from the Air Force and have been married 22 years. I have two children (20 & 14). The OM has been married 22 years also, and has one child (17). I still keep in touch with his family, so I decided to reach out to see if he wanted to talk. My marriage was in a rough place, and I was lonely. As soon as we started talking...it became intense. The OM said his marriage had not been great, but he was doing what he needed to for his son. It's like a wound was ripped open. It turned into a full on EA. Hours and hours of texting and talking to include phone sex and pics. The OM said that I was the love of his life, and he had never forgotten me. We cried/laughed/could talk about everything. My husband got suspicious after a month and checked phone logs. He was devastated and left for one week. He decided to come home, but demanded that I have no further contact with the OM. We also went to marriage counseling. My husband did not know the extent of the EA. Also, I never told the OM that my husband found out. In the meantime, I got a second phone and continued the EA for 5 more months. I was basically living a double life... We would communicate 4 to 6 hours a day...sometimes longer. As things got more intense...I started putting more emotional pressure on the OM. The child he had with his wife was not his. She had an affair on him early in their marriage, and he found out after their son was born. He took on the role of father and they worked out their marriage. During this six months we were in contact, he said that his son was his number one...he made that very clear. I completely supported that, but every conversation we had was on his terms. I would sometimes get upset if our usual routine changed. He finally got tired of it, and sent me a goodbye message..."I have been very busy, and cannot continue to explain my first priority. I think we should live our lives until we make up our minds. I wish you the best". I messaged him back basically saying "I understood and would respect that, and that I only wanted happiness for him". I have been devastated and cannot stop thinking about him. I know it needed to end and the EA could not continue like it was without eventually getting caught. My husband wasn't perfect over the years, but since he initially found out, he has been trying so hard. I know what I did was wrong, but I need help processing the pain I am feeling. How can the OM have said all of the things he said to me and then just end things so easily? It has taken every ounce of energy not to try to reach back out to him. I wish I could just turn off the pain. As I look back, I don't believe he was telling me the entire truth about his marriage. he said they had not had sex for almost two years, and that it had been once a year or year and a half since their son was born. He is a scorpio, and I find that very hard to believe. I just want to know why he just ended things so easily. I know I am all over the place...I am just in turmoil.


If you have to lie about a man in your life to others, or hide the guy as a bad secret from others, there's no way that is love. It's just wrong, and unfortunately, this guy played you. Most likely, just wanted a play thing to use...and since he knows you from the past, you were it. 

Honestly, if he loved you, he wouldn't have done any of this, because he would have respected you enough and your marriage. He lusted over you, but didn't love you. The two are very different.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

catdm said:


> We both married different people.
> 
> I retired from the Air Force and have been married 22 years.
> 
> ...


So this is all you have to say about your husband and your marriage. He doesn't know the true depth of your deception. Perhaps he should actually know what it is he is trying to save. Don't you think he deserves complete honesty? After all, you continued with the EA after he told you to go no-contact. 

Let your husband make a decision based on the complete story.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 60 years old, 38 years married (first one for the both of us), & early retired from Academica after 30 years of service. You've been played a fool by the OM & risked your marriage. You were never a priority in his life. See a marriage counselor for you & your husband. See a psychologist to set your mind in the right direction. Anyone who has retired from the Air Force after 22 years of service is disciplined. Discipline your mind to set your marriage upright. Completely removed the OM from your life. Move forward & listen carefully to the marriage counselor & your psychologist. Make your marriage a priority.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

This OP, for some reason just reminds me of the Nancy Carrigan/Tanya Harding saga, when Nancy was crying: WHY ME..WHY ME. The difference is that a least Nancy Carrigan had a real reason to cry out.

This OP comes across as your typical self centered, egotistical person where the world turns around her. So pathetic. I Just wonder what the husband reaction would be if he new the extent of her betrayal. Would he react like a chump or would he just kick her to the curb, like he should, because that's what any self respecting man would do.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hi @catdm, 

I am a former wayward spouse, and like you, I had an emotional affair, so I just wanted you to know that when I write to you, I write as someone who has "been there, done that." After my affair, my Dear Hubby and I reconciled and were ecstatically happy for almost ten years when he passed away. So it CAN be done, but some very major changes have to take place, and I'm not going to tell you what changes your husband has to make! You are the one who came here and asked for help, so I'm going to talk to you and keep the focus on things YOU can change...okay? 

So let's dive in...



> I am 47 years old. I met my high school sweetheart when we were 17. We dated for 2 1/2 years and then broke up for a period of time. During our break up, I joined the Air Force. We got back together right before I left for basic training. The plan was that I would only stay in for 4 years and then go back home, so we got engaged. We were engaged for almost 3 years before things went bad. Long distance is hard to make work, and it was mainly my fault that we broke up.


So just to be sure I understand, this was roughly 30 years ago that you two were together. You were young and didn't really have any idea what real love was or commitment or dedication--just had the hots for each other and "feelings" and thought that was love. Now I'm not saying you didn't feel smooshy, but rather that "feelings" and butterflies in the stomach are not necessarily True Love. True Love is an action--it is acting lovingly toward someone because you choose to treat them that way, not necessarily because you feel like it or because they deserve it. But at 17yo we don't really understand that stuff, do we? We think it's like the movies, rather than realizing that love is bringing soup when they're sick or dropping everything in a crisis or just consistently paying the bills because people are depending on you. 



> We both married different people. I retired from the Air Force and have been married 22 years. I have two children (20 & 14). The OM has been married 22 years also, and has one child (17). I still keep in touch with his family, *so I decided to reach out to see if he wanted to talk*. My marriage was in a rough place, *and I was lonely*.


Do you see the two parts I bolded up above there? You DECIDED and you were LONELY. Those are choices. You chose to reach out. You could have chosen something else--like going on a hike or reaching out to a lady friend. You had options, and of all the options available, you made the decision to play with fire. So when people here on TAM kind of roast you, that's why. BTW, they roast me too (not so much now) so it's not just you or just because you're a woman or anything like that--mostly it's telling the ugly truth to waywards and that's because it is ugly to hear that you chose to commit adultery. However, that is the truth. 

I suspect there were bits of your marriage prior to the affair that were less than ideal, and for the stuff prior to the affair, the two of you might hold equal responsibility. Maybe you were both miserable and hurting deeply...or hurting each other! But somewhere inside you, you recognized you were lonely and the decision you made was "I will connect with an old love." If it had purely been for advice, comfort, friendship or solace, you would have/could have called a lady friend who would tell you "you poor thing, men are such brutes!"  Thus some little part of you knew that there was a chance this could re-ignite things--maybe even HOPED it would re-ignite! But even if you can in your heart of hearts say that you didn't think that, the fact remains that given all the other options available for dealing with loneliness, you made the decision, all by yourself, to reach out to another man. And the folks here at TAM are trying to assist you in seeing that whilst there may have been marital discord before the affair, the decision to commit adultery is 100% all on you. You are personally responsible. 



> As soon as we started talking...it became intense. The OM said his marriage had not been great, but he was doing what he needed to for his son. It's like a wound was ripped open. It turned into a full on EA. Hours and hours of texting and talking to include phone sex and pics. The OM said that I was the love of his life, and he had never forgotten me. We cried/laughed/could talk about everything.


So this is going to sting, but it is the truth. What did you think he was going to say? "Oh hey, it's good to hear from you. Yeah, my marriage is fantastic and my wife is the best lay ever! In fact, I've been working hard at building my relationship with her and I feel closer to her every day!" He spent his time for hours talking to you and telling you what you wanted to hear so it would become intense! He may have had some feelings for you when he was 17yo, and he may have looked fondly back on those days as a fully grown, 47yo man...but where was he investing his time, energy, heart, and sexuality? Was it on the person he promised all that to? Nope--he gave it away, and it wasn't his to give! He promised to forsake ALL OTHERS (including you) and instead of investing hours and hours of texting in his wife, he gave that time away. Imagine how his marriage might have been if he put that much effort into being a better husband!! Imagine how their relationship might have been if he wanted to learn about her as intensely as he wanted sex pics from you! Imagine how YOUR marriage might have been strengthened if you put that much time, energy and heart into knowing and loving your own husband!! It's stunning!



> My husband got suspicious after a month and checked phone logs. He was devastated and left for one week. He decided to come home, but demanded that I have no further contact with the OM. We also went to marriage counseling. My husband did not know the extent of the EA. Also, I never told the OM that my husband found out. In the meantime, I got a second phone and continued the EA for 5 more months. I was basically living a double life... We would communicate 4 to 6 hours a day...sometimes longer.


Ouch! This hurts to read. Is this the kind of woman you are? Is this who you want to be? If not, then it is reasonable to be ashamed of how you behaved, and I don't mean you have to beat yourself up over it, but man--you behaved BADLY! You didn't have a gun to your head. When your husband found out, you could have come clean and really ended all contact and you again made a choice to live a lie. So the natural consequence of being that kind of person is that it results in pain. It ends painfully for you and for those around you. 



> As things got more intense...I started putting more emotional pressure on the OM. The child he had with his wife was not his. She had an affair on him early in their marriage, and he found out after their son was born. He took on the role of father and they worked out their marriage. During this six months we were in contact, he said that his son was his number one...he made that very clear. I completely supported that, but every conversation we had was on his terms. I would sometimes get upset if our usual routine changed. He finally got tired of it, and sent me a goodbye message..."I have been very busy, and cannot continue to explain my first priority. I think we should live our lives until we make up our minds. I wish you the best". I messaged him back basically saying "I understood and would respect that, and that I only wanted happiness for him".


First, I would wonder if you verified any of what he told you. He also told his wife things and completely lied about those things in order to be with you, so we have confirmation that he was the sort of person who would/could lie. It's within the realm of conceivability that none of what he said was true! My guess is that is was partly true and partly exaggerated and partly outright false...but in the end the result was the same: it ended because he got tired of it. 



> I have been devastated and cannot stop thinking about him. I know it needed to end and the EA could not continue like it was without eventually getting caught. My husband wasn't perfect over the years, but since he initially found out, he has been trying so hard. I know what I did was wrong, but I need help processing the pain I am feeling. *How can the OM have said all of the things he said to me and then just end things so easily? * It has taken every ounce of energy not to try to reach back out to him. I wish I could just turn off the pain. As I look back, I don't believe he was telling me the entire truth about his marriage. he said they had not had sex for almost two years, and that it had been once a year or year and a half since their son was born. He is a scorpio, and I find that very hard to believe. *I just want to know why he just ended things so easily. * I know I am all over the place...I am just in turmoil.


So here's the thing, in the above paragraph you say twice "How did he end things so easily?" Right? You feel like you were used and just a piece of meat that he tossed away. And you had an emotional affair with him for ... what was it again? SIX MONTHS? Imagine how your husband feels. He was with you for TWENTY-TWO YEARS--almost a quarter of a century--and you ended things with him so easily. He was a piece of meat to you that you chewed up and tossed away, and he was with you for YEARS. But all the memories, all the bad times, all the good times, all the moves, all the children...all that he gave you over the years of his time, his youth, his energy, even working for you and the family...none of that meant anything to you. You threw it all out easily because you felt lonely. 

Now, I'm not trying to judge or make you feel bad, but I am hoping you'll get a clue that if you feel this level of devastation after six months, just magnify that by 44 times, and that's a rough estimate of how your husband feels! And I point THAT out to you because at one point you made a promise to him that as long as you were breathing, you would treat him in a loving way and spend the rest of your days learning how to love him. Instead you broke your promise. And the good folks here are trying to help you see that it wasn't "a mistake" and didn't "just happen" but rather it's kind of like an addict--the first step is to admit that you made a choice and that it was 100% YOUR OWN decision. 

Once you reach that point, then you can begin to examine where it all went off the rails. Again, you'd look at yourself and not point fingers. But honestly right now the very first thing is to realize that it really was not because of your husband or because you were a victim (OM wasn't a good guy but he didn't put a gun to your head). You are personally responsible for your choice to commit adultery. 

When you can acknowledge that...let's talk.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

OP. Read all the replies to your post.

Notice.

How many times in those replies the word "your husband" pops up.

Notice.

How many times the word "my husband" pops up in your responses.

The question moving forward is...much like the affair..

How many times you insert in your husband/or take into consideration your husband in your responses moving forward.


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## catdm (Jun 29, 2018)

I know what I did was wrong and I know that I hurt my husband with just the little that he knows. I altered my life for 6 months and basically lived a double life. There is no excuse to what I did except that I was lonely and had been for a very long time. I should have worked on trying to better my marriage with my husband instead of living in fantasy with the OM. I risked losing everything. I take complete blame for this. I still put myself out there and got hurt. It's my own fault


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Are you going to tell your husband the entire truth?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Cheaters are not allowed to have an excuse...don't you get it...no matter how lonely you were you always had an out...divorce him...but instead of having the guts to do that you cowarded and cheated so you have no right to an excuse......you will always be in the wrong. Honestly you can't be that thick. Do your husband a favor and file for divorce he deserves better...especially with how little remorse you have...because remorse people have no excuses.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I've asked the OP TWICE if she is going to tell her husband the entire truth. No response.

My take on this is she has no genuine remorse. Acknowledging she realizes she hurt her husband with "the little he knows" indicates she is still being dishonest with him. After all, a half-truth is not the complete truth.

No genuine remorse. Basically a cake-eater. Divorce your husband. He deserves a helluva lot better. Seriously.


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## catdm (Jun 29, 2018)

What good would it do to confess everything. All that would cause is a lot of pain and I'm not going to do that. It does not mean I have no remorse for what happened.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The "good" it would do is honesty, accountability, and the fact that he has the right to know about the truth of his marriage.

You are not remorseful because you do not understand that.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Most likely your husband knows there is a lot more you didn't tell him. If you really want to close this chapter and NEVER have it happen again, you need to rip the truth wide open. You need to tell him everything. You should tell the OM's wife everything. Scorch the earth, lay your soul bare and see if there is anything left afterward to rekindle. Otherwise, you are going to force your H to live a life based on a MASSIVE lie. Also, if your conscience is bothering you, then you will be nagged by the guilt of this for a very long time if not forever. May as well divorce instead of everyone living a fake, unhappy life.

From what you have written, my guess is you are hoping OM will miss you and contact you again. Let me guess, you still have the burner phone/number right? Beauty of it is...he probably will. He will get horny and want to have phone sex and he will hit you up. He was say all the right stuff and you will be sending smutty pics and breathing heavy into the receiver in no time.

So now you get to choose...

1. Divorce
2. Free your husband by being fully honest and letting him decide for himself what to do based on the truth.
3. Contine to be the OM occasional phone ho while stringing along a man who truly loves you.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

catdm said:


> What good would it do to confess everything.
> 
> 
> Being completely honest is a good thing. Doesn't he deserve the truth or do you STILL think so little of him that you'll deny it to him?
> ...


Whose pain are you more concerned with?


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## catdm (Jun 29, 2018)

I do not have the burner phone any longer so the OM cannot contact me nor do I believe he would he contact me again even if I did. I put myself in this mess and just asked for help dealing with the aftermath of it. I'm human and made a horrible mistake. If I could go back I never would have made contact. I'm not going to divorce my husband, and we do still have a child at home. I'm not going to destroy her life because I made a mistake and I do love my husband.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

catdm said:


> I do not have the burner phone any longer so the OM cannot contact me nor do I believe he would he contact me again even if I did. I put myself in this mess and just asked for help dealing with the aftermath of it. I'm human and made a horrible mistake. If I could go back I never would have made contact. I'm not going to divorce my husband, and we do still have a child at home. I'm not going to destroy her life because I made a mistake and I do love my husband.


Cat, understand what you are trying to say in these posts and I get where the advice is coming from.

I try to stay as level-headed as possible when giving responses here, to give benefit of the doubt. I think where the disconnect is coming into play here, is that you say you want help and I think you do but what you aren't seeing is that the people are actually giving you the help you need. It may look like bashing and some of it may be but most is not. In order for your real marriage to survive you do need to have true remorse or else there's a chance of all of this recurring or maybe even a different issue lying ahead in the future.

The problem is that you really can't force remorse on someone, they have to feel it from within. I agree that you do send out the vibe that you are still placing the resentment of your marriage and the tough times as a reason for the affair. And it is a 'reason' but it cannot be an 'excuse'. They say that someone cannot feel the real pain of what their affair caused until they feel the same done upon them. I think the gift here, is that in a way it was done unto you. You were played and trust me, I know from my own experiences with a cheating STBXW and what her 'soulmate' said to her. He was feeding you a line of BS that made it easy for you to 'fall into his arms' to embrace his pain as he did to you, seemingly. My guess is that you were getting about 15% of the truth about what he was telling you about his wife. He probably did feel some genuine feelings for you but more than anything was bored in his marriage and wanted to spice up his own life but not to the extent that he would ever leave his wife. After he got done talking to you, I'm sure there were times that he probably even made love to his wife that same day. Take the feeling of betrayal and hurt that you feel, the loss that you felt when he told you it was over and magnify that times 100 and that is what your husband felt/is feeling.

You say you love your husband and you don't want to break up the home, etc. But do you see how that comes across to the other posters here. It's a after the fact mindset that you have all this clarity now. You didn't care about any of that during the affair and you would have left your husband for this man, you would have and it would have been an even bigger mistake than what you have behind you now. So I thank God for that, that this ended before it got even worse. 

I am on the fence about telling your husband the full truth. You do realize if he finds about this in the future, his life will be ruined and so will yours, more than it even is now. That's the gamble you play with not telling him. If you attend church, it might be beneficial, for you, as a start to talk to your clergy on your own and get some advice on that front, on how you should proceed. I'm sorry your family is going through this. As much as we are harping on the after the fact attitude that you are displaying, it's also easy for us to have an after the fact response because I now know and have a deeper sense of how the mind can be completely taken over and obsessed and justified in actions that from the outside are so heinous. I realized that and that's more or less why I gave my STBXW the lifeline on 3 separate occasions to forgive, to move on and to make a better life with each other but she had to no contact, she needed to get help. She did none of that, she threw it all back on me and she fell deeper in love with her married (not leaving his wife but promises her she is) soulmate. My marriage is a week away from being officially over, I come here often not so much as to heal anymore but offer help so that others may not have to suffer the same fate ......


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

catdm said:


> I am 47 years old. I met my high school sweetheart when we were 17. We dated for 2 1/2 years and then broke up for a period of time. During our break up, I joined the Air Force. We got back together right before I left for basic training. The plan was that I would only stay in for 4 years and then go back home, so we got engaged. We were engaged for almost 3 years before things went bad. Long distance is hard to make work, and it was mainly my fault that we broke up.
> 
> We both married different people. I retired from the Air Force and have been married 22 years. I have two children (20 & 14). The OM has been married 22 years also, and has one child (17). I still keep in touch with his family, so I decided to reach out to see if he wanted to talk. My marriage was in a rough place, and I was lonely. As soon as we started talking...it became intense. The OM said his marriage had not been great, but he was doing what he needed to for his son. It's like a wound was ripped open. It turned into a full on EA. Hours and hours of texting and talking to include phone sex and pics. The OM said that I was the love of his life, and he had never forgotten me. We cried/laughed/could talk about everything. My husband got suspicious after a month and checked phone logs. He was devastated and left for one week. He decided to come home, but demanded that I have no further contact with the OM. We also went to marriage counseling. My husband did not know the extent of the EA. Also, I never told the OM that my husband found out. In the meantime, I got a second phone and continued the EA for 5 more months. I was basically living a double life... We would communicate 4 to 6 hours a day...sometimes longer. As things got more intense...I started putting more emotional pressure on the OM. The child he had with his wife was not his. She had an affair on him early in their marriage, and he found out after their son was born. He took on the role of father and they worked out their marriage. During this six months we were in contact, he said that his son was his number one...he made that very clear. I completely supported that, but every conversation we had was on his terms. I would sometimes get upset if our usual routine changed. He finally got tired of it, and sent me a goodbye message..."I have been very busy, and cannot continue to explain my first priority. I think we should live our lives until we make up our minds. I wish you the best". I messaged him back basically saying "I understood and would respect that, and that I only wanted happiness for him". I have been devastated and cannot stop thinking about him. I know it needed to end and the EA could not continue like it was without eventually getting caught. My husband wasn't perfect over the years, but since he initially found out, he has been trying so hard. I know what I did was wrong, but I need help processing the pain I am feeling. How can the OM have said all of the things he said to me and then just end things so easily? It has taken every ounce of energy not to try to reach back out to him. I wish I could just turn off the pain. As I look back, I don't believe he was telling me the entire truth about his marriage. he said they had not had sex for almost two years, and that it had been once a year or year and a half since their son was born. He is a scorpio, and I find that very hard to believe. I just want to know why he just ended things so easily. I know I am all over the place...I am just in turmoil.


I hear ya, kid. Been there, done that. I called these kinds of affairs "nostalgia affairs." They are like a balloon - pretty but full of nothing and as they deflate, which they inevitably do, they just go flat and you're left with nothing but a piece of trash you need to throw away.

Nostalgia affairs really suck people in like nothing else. And they cling to you through their illusions of what might have been. 

So, you have this hard, hard lesson - it's okay...this is your journey and you needed to go through that. There's always going to be the lofty thinkers who try to say that you should have known better. Well, don't let them *should* on you. Anybody can get hit out of the blue with something like this - and until they've been through it, they don't actually know what it's like.

You know what you need to do, right? Drop the other guy out of your freaking life. A person who wants to be with you makes you a priority. And when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. 

You will get through this. You will get through it by being completely open and honest with your husband. You are going to be grieving that other relationship while also working on your marriage relationship and you and your husband making decisions about how to restructure your marriage to make adjustments for what has happened. Will you stay, will you go? Will he stay, will he go? 

If you both decide to stay together, which it sounds like you both want to at the moment, then open/honest conversations...thousands of them...will give both of you a chance to live more authentically. 

I want to know if you think you can be the decider in the EA relationship because this sentence bothers me: " I think we should live our lives until we make up our minds." - Is the OM leaving some door open for later? 

How do you feel about that? 

Like I said, "If someone wants you, then they make you a priority." and "When somebody shows you who they are, believed them." While it's true that you were unfaithful to your husband...the OM was also unfaithful to his spouse as well. Do either of you want to be with someone who is unfaithful? That's a mind bender question, isn't it? 

From my own experience with this, I built an illusion about the OM. It was total B.S. He never had to do any of the hard stuff my husband has had to do and stuck with me through:

1.) The ER visit when I had diarrhea for several days.

2.) The period cramps and PMS

3.) The long hours of working in the freezing cold (where he welcomed me to press my frozen body next to his into our warm bed.)

4.) The teenagers spouting off to him (he's the stepdad) while he calmly stood firm as a loving parent

5.) The times I was too exhausted for sex (working sometimes 30 days straight with no days off)

6.) The time I was out of a job and struggling to find another one

7.) The agony of the death of my 22 year old daughter

The actual list numbers in the thousands - these are just bare bones examples in different levels and categories of marriage reality. I have also been there for HIM. 

There is NO stranger, no other man, no other woman that we are willing to leave the other for because no one else is tried and true like this. My EA was and is what I call a SSP - a selfish, single pr*ck. He's not interested in me as a person at all. Oh, sure, he and I tried to ACT like we were but it was all just nostalgia B.S. If we had truly wanted each other, we would have gone to any lengths and rejected all other things to have the other. That never happened. It's never GONNA happen. The whole thing was an illusion that both of us built up in our minds.

No, the OM wasn't telling you the truth - which tells you everything you need to know about him. Part of the pain I felt was that I let myself get duped. I duped myself and by the OM. If it's painful, you will remember it better. Pain is one of our greatest teachers.

And GTF away from him. Get rid of any and all contact information and start looking at the OM for what he really is. Stop looking at the illusion of "good" and look at the reality of what was bad. You are NOT his priority. He doesn't want you. He's married. You have no right to break up another person's relationship especially with a child involved. That's a redline you need to solidify in your head. 

Do you want to turn to your marriage relationship? Do you still want your husband? Or do you want to be single? If you are still looking for someone else while being married to your husband, you aren't committed to your marriage relationship. So, you have to ask yourself these questions. If you find that you truly aren't committed to your marriage, then, tough as it is, the right thing is to let your husband go. 

What my husband and I had to come down to was being able to say "I'm ALL IN." and BE *all in.* None of this half-way crap. That's not a relationship. 

The EA and PA were what my husband calls where he and I found ourselves along "the broken road" - and that is even our song. When we renewed our vows at 25 years, I had a custom jeweler make him an amazing ring that is a road with pocks in it to represent our relationship as an imperfect journey. 

When you're in the middle of a pothole, things feel really sh*tty and hopeless. Climb out of it. Clean yourself up and put on a new pair of glasses so you can see the road ahead.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

catdm said:


> I do not have the burner phone any longer so the OM cannot contact me nor do I believe he would he contact me again even if I did. I put myself in this mess and just asked for help dealing with the aftermath of it. I'm human and made a horrible mistake. If I could go back I never would have made contact. I'm not going to divorce my husband, and we do still have a child at home. I'm not going to destroy her life because I made a mistake and I do love my husband.


One thing you'll learn here is that wasn't a mistake it was a choice you made. A choice you compounded by getting a burner.

You have a choice now to either tell all and hope for forgiveness or continue to hide the truth. He'll find out eventually. What will he think then?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

@catdm, I am going to begin this with a simple thought to your initial post of how to let go... love yourself more.

Fear is your biggest hurdle here... and it is center to your aftermath of poor choices.

I do not know your spiritual self, but it is clear you are suffering and need forgiveness, mostly for yourself.

You made a mistake and you can change nothing of the past... it is done. 

I love the way "sins" are seen by the source, put the Christ into Christianity and Jesus said it best in a way when he was challenged the most... "Go and sin no more". In Buddhism there is no real concept of sin, just stop doing the things that hurt others and yourself.

Love yourself more.

You know what you need to do, sometimes there is confession required, sometimes not... the playbook on adultery says you need to and it may be in the opinion of others that you owe it but this is for you to decide, but decide for the right reasons.

Fear should not be one of them.

Karma may or may not be done with you (yes, I do believe in it, cause and effect is a truth in life  ) but that depends on your heart and the truth in it for the things you can, have, and will change in the future to ensure you never fall like this again.

Peace be with you as you walk a path of no harm...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I'm not going to be nice, because I'm not, and you don't deserve it anyway. Anyone who gets a burner phone deserves to be told the truth of who that are and what they are doing. Maybe it will wake you up so you can really start feeling some shame and try to change. 

First off please divorce your husband as you have ruined his life he just doesn't know it yet. No one deserves to be treated so poorly. Whatever he did NO ONE should be repeatedly lied to, taken for granted and abused like you have done to him. Especially when he is acting out of good faith. You can't even be honest with the extent of the betrayal. He dedicated decades of his life to you only to be discarded like garbage. I hope he can find better one day. 

Seriously I bet if he knew all he had to do was text you some romantic, lovey stuff instead of dedicating his life he would feel like a fool for putting in all that effort. Nah some guy who you met when you were a child, whom never had to make one damn hard choice. Never had to sacrifice or compromise, work, split his earnings, all this other guy had to do is have some fantasy history when you were young, and say some nice stuff. Of course then he dumped you after he got some titillation out of it. See you deserve it, but husband was a poor sap who has to this point wasted his romantic life. 

And I am sure you think I am being harsh but cheating spouses like you who treat your spouses like crap and then somehow think THEY are the catch are just TOO MUCH. Like you are doing him a favor by staying with him. I am so tired of it, here is the deal he can do better. You think you are settling for plan B with him, but if you were thinking right you would realize it's he who is settling. No one I mean NO ONE would want this, and NOTHING is worse then having a spouse who doesn't think enough of you and your relationship to be honest with you. Who can't treat you with just plan common decency but instead treats you are an after thought, a possession like a piece of clothing or a old car or something, to be discarded when they get lonely or bored. Nah having a spouse who once cheated on you even they never do again is everyone's plan b. If he were on here I would tell him not to settle.

WAKE UP! Read what I wrote and start thinking about this from your husband's point of view, only then will you lose this romantic notion of what you did and see what this EA really was. Only a terribly cruel thing to do to someone who loves you.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> @catdm, I am going to begin this with a simple thought to your initial post of how to let go... love yourself more.
> 
> Fear is your biggest hurdle here... and it is center to your aftermath of poor choices.
> 
> ...


Truth.

Fear is at the bottom of everything. Fear is the illusion that keeps us from happiness.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Malaise said:


> One thing you'll learn here is that wasn't a mistake it was a choice you made. A choice you compounded by getting a burner.
> 
> You have a choice now to either tell all and hope for forgiveness or continue to hide the truth. He'll find out eventually. What will he think then?


The path, the road out of this for your husband and for you is complete openness and honesty. Complete. No half way.

Decide.

Are you ALL IN?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

catdm said:


> ...I made a mistake and I do love my husband.


Love means different things to different people. 

Yours seems to be a practical love.

Practical, but ordered around your own needs and concerns.

Your behaviour shows that if it is a choice between working through a rough patch in your marriage, or totally destroying and devastated your husband, your love for your husband means practically nothing.

It is not a "love" that is good for him, regardless of how you rationalize or excuse it, practically speaking.

The sad part is you have put yourself in a position where you must maintain this toxic "love" or destroy your life.

It sucks, I am sorry for you, and more so for your husband.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Why do you want to work it out with your husband now?





catdm said:


> I'm not going to divorce my husband, and we do still have a child at home. I'm not going to destroy her life because I made a mistake and I do love my husband.





farsidejunky said:


> Doesn't he deserve better than to be a consolation prize?


Your words were basically said to me following my wife's affairs. I had been CONNED into thinking she had some kind of desire to be with me, that she respected me, that she wanted to build a life with me.

Her affairs, especially after I found out, and demanded no-contact....and she went right back....told me the real story....
"consolation prize" - I was "plan B "good provider" man" and someone else was "plan A "I want you" man".

She might have been able to claim "mistake", if when I found out, she cut the guy off like yesterday's news and came back trying to set things right.....but after round 2 ? Mistake ? No way in hell it was a "mistake".... she wanted him, not me, for her lover, and me, not him, for her provider and to be her baby daddy.

Putting "I do love my husband" at the end of your sentence, and using the "do" in the sentence, tells me the whole story.
Tells me that you're trying to convince yourself..... but, in reality, all you want is to do "damage control"....you don't want your daughter's life uprooted, but if you were able to make your REAL choice, you would be gone with the OM.

Your husband deserves the TRUTH. The REAL truth.... then, he can decide if he wants to be the booby prize, and know that he has NEVER BEEN, and WILL NEVER BE, anything else.
@Decorum - I regret that I have only one "like"...your reply should be engraved into a stone tablet and hung in the cheater's hall of infamy....


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> How can the OM have said all of the things he said to me and then just end things so easily?


He wanted you to send him naked pictures of yourself so he could gratify himself over. Also it's exciting and the ultimate power trip to get another man's (who has he has dedicated his whole life too) wife to willingly give something that should be her husband's (her intimacy and sexuality) to you. It was never about you it was about him and getting off in more ways then one and you and your joint history made it an easy target.

I mean be honest you did the same for him. I am sure the stuff he told you about his wife were lies, even if they weren't you don't deserve what he promised to be hers, he probably got caught or just found someone new to do the same to again. And the cycle starts all over with his poor wife none the wiser.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

catdm said:


> What good would it do to confess everything. All that would cause is a lot of pain and I'm not going to do that.


It's all about you. Like I said, classic cake-eater. Hopefully, your husband will someday find out the entire truth.

The only "pain" you are avoiding is the pain you would have to endure if he kicked you out. Again, classic cake-eater. No genuine remorse to see here, folks, just move along ....


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

catdm said:


> What good would it do to confess everything. All that would cause is a lot of pain and I'm not going to do that.


I agree with you on this one. Your husband already knows "everything"....you told him the whole story when he found out, called for you to put an end to your affair, and you didn't.

This is the "everything" he will have to live with for the rest of his life. This action tells it all. And, this story is like toothpaste out of the tube....once it comes out, you can't put it back in.

Your husband may "stay" in your marriage, especially for the sake of your daughter. You are not seeking to rebuild your marriage, and no matter how, what, when, or with what conviction he tries? He will NEVER. I mean NEVER....feel that he is anything but a "settle" to you.

It's like telling a guy "...the kid is not yours...". No matter if that's a lie......you will never convince him without a DNA test.
But, alas, there is no DNA test which can prove to him that he is "plan A".....especially when it is not now, nor has it ever been, true.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

TJW said:


> Putting "I do love my husband" at the end of your sentence, and using the "do" in the sentence, tells me the whole story.
> 
> Tells me that you're trying to convince yourself..... but, in reality, all you want is to do "damage control"....you don't want your daughter's life uprooted, but if you were able to make your REAL choice, you would be gone with the OM.
> 
> @Decorum - I regret that I have only one "like"...your reply should be engraved into a stone tablet and hung in the cheater's hall of infamy....


 @TJW
Its ironic you should say that because when I read the above part of your post I thought, "EXACTLY" that's exactly what I was trying to say. Unfortunately yours was said through the reality of that actual experience. Just the way you describe it is painful to read. I'm sorry.

We share the same desire to make the issues clear.

In this case we are both trying to give the best counsel we can to an awful situation

As for catdm,
Living under the accusations of ones own conscience is emotionally draining. (A common source of depression). 

There is no substitute for a clear conscience.

If catdm chooses to sublimate and rationlize that guilt, she then contorts herself into an ugly characature of the beautiful and amazing person she was meant to be.

It is like the disturbing tragic flaw in a greek play. Like Jocasta, its a moral dilemma that can't be unwound without damaging innocent persons on all sided.


Catdm thinks taking it to the grave is the answer, but she doesn't realize that over that period of time, she merely becomes a typhoid Mary spreading her sickness and damaging the relationship with everyone she "loves", husband and daughter.

She thinks she is spairing them, but really she is trying to spare herself the pain of facing the consequences of her actions.

Looking at her situation is the same feeling I have had when visiting someone in the hospital with a terminal illness they have not accepted yet.

She has a choice though, she just can't accept it.

This is why cheating is so reprehensible, it causes damage and devastation to everyone involved.

Smh.


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## Justin J (Oct 1, 2017)

It is very hard to get over anyone you truly cared about. However when you do not want anyone to get hurt, sometimes you have to do what is best for everyone else and not yourself


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