# i need help



## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

i have been married for 4 years and since i met my now "husband" we never have had sex, he always says that he takes meds for bipolar disorder and that keeps his sex drive down he does not like to talk about it but now i am suffering these moods and get upset and all i think is that he does like me and that is why he does not ask for sex. what should i do?????
please give me your opinions. 
thank you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

join the ranks of the rest of us with low or no drive spouses. 

4 years with zero sex? if he wasnt trying really hard to fix himself, ie. seeking treatment from doctors, but was instead just expecting you to deal with it, you should be looking for other alternatives.

while my wifes drive is much lower than mine, we make love just enough that i cannot justify leaving or having an affair. if she shut me out for 4 years i would have taken care of business long ago.


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## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

thanks for your words, i am very frustrated with all this and he gets upset when I mention this to him he says that he feels embarrassed to talk about it because it makes him feel manless but I tell him we really need to talk about it since we are a couple he can't be ashamed of me. but still no change. he is always on the computer, or with his cell, but he assures me he is not cheating


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Four years???? I'd be in a tower with a sniper rifle! He may be medicated, he may be embarrassed, he may not feel like Don Juan. Whatever...you're human. You have needs and desires and if he cares about you, he'll take care of business. The world isn't only about him, regardless of whatever malady he has or what medication he takes. He signed on with the understanding that he would be responsible for your sexual needs. If he wants to delegate that responsibility to someone else, ask him who he's picked. 
I understand he has bipolar, but by getting married, he's professed that he is capable of carrying on a reasonably healthy adult relationship. He may be too sick to function as a husband and he may be too sick to treat others as human beings. 
If you're just a care-giver for a psychiatric patient, then he owes 4 years of back pay and you need to find an adult relationship elsewhere. I think it's amazing that some biploar patients manage to contribute and fulfill their obligations on the job and treat their coworkers decently but are too sick to treat their spouses as human beings.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

If I was in your situation, I'd be asking him for permission to go outside the marriage for sex.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Wow. Never had sex in 4 years of marriage... Was it an arranged marriage? Did you have sex prior to marriage? Have you done anything intimate ever?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Based on what you say, it is my opinion your marriage is invalid due to being unconsummated.

Where you aware of this when you entered the contract of marriage? That he was bipolar and asexual for whatever reason?

Don't be embarrassed - I went a year without sex. I can finally think straight now. This is the insidious nature of withholding sex from a partner. . .you start to think it's you - what's normal. My stb-x told me once, "You don't get married to do that, you know!"

My reply: "No, I didn't buy the house for the bathrooms either but I'd be pretty angry if you took them away from me."

You are living in a house without bathrooms.

Did you guys talk about having kids?

Is your husband aware that that's how you have kids, unless I haven't gotten the memo?

I mean I feel bad. . .he's depressed, he's bipolar, he's sick, whatever. He deserves sympathy and help. I am not sure he deserves a wife who is expected to be celibate. I am not sure he's entitled to that.


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## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

thanks to all the replies, i just needed to know that I am not selfish when I ask him about this topic, because I gets upset, but he said that he knows it and that he feels embarrassed to talk about this topic. I still don't get it because yes we talk about kids in the future, I am 37 and he is 42 but I am not sure how are we going to have kids. He treats me very nicely he wants to make sure I am happy, but material things will not give happiness unless I have a healthy marriage and in this situation I don't know who can be happy!!!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Did you have sex with him prior to getting married?


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## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

Brennan,Only once! But it was because I made him do it which it did not go well because he did no have an erection. He said that had been a long time he was not with anybody, plus he was recovering from alcoholism (1 year sober), I am not sure if alcohol has to do with this. Also he has been taking lithium to control his mood. However I have never seen a change of mood in all this time we have together. But he blames that all the time. I feel I am dreming all this and it is a nightmare!!!! Help me please!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I know where you are coming from, my husband is bipolar. Before the meds, he was an unmedicated bipolar alcoholic and that created High Times that were a lot of fun but very very scary.....you DON'T want to go there. Maybe, work on getting some Viagra or testosterone???? See if you can talk to his Dr.....good luck with this. I've yet to figure it all out myself


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## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

Yogachick: thanks for looking I feel better now that I am not the only one, it feels good to be able to talk to someone who can understand, I had no clue about this whole thing but is getting me very frustrated now. do you ever have sex with your husband because mine is like none!!! can this be fixed??? thank you already I know I ask lots of questions but I have never talked about the subject to anyone else before.
thank you again


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

Yes, just had great sex this morning, thankfully!!! Ya gotta pounce on that morning wood, that is the secret with these guys. Start snuggling up next to him as he is waking up and "accidentally" rest your hand on the "equipment".....if it is super soft he needs ED medication.....otherwise it will firm up with your hand resting on it and take it from there. You are going to have to be the aggressor, no doubt about it. Get your confidence ON; be ready for rejection, if it happens realize it is him and don't even let it phase you, deflect it right back on him because he is your husband and this is NOT normal.

Let me know how it goes; get yourself some girl!!!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Scannerguard said:


> I mean I feel bad. . .he's depressed, he's bipolar, he's sick, whatever. He deserves sympathy and help. I am not sure he deserves a wife who is expected to be celibate. I am not sure he's entitled to that.


 *4 years & never once when married !!*

I'm going to go a step further, NO, he doesn't derserve it at all. 

Share your desires, if he still wants to remain the same (not seeking a Doc's help if needed to get Viagra or Testosterone tested), either *Divorce* or ask for an "Open marraige" - to stay and be fullfilled sexually. Not what you originally signed up for, but when one's spouse is this insensitive & out of touch with normalcy, other avenues should be explored for the sake of the others happiness.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*Why are you still married?*

Scanner -

You sound like a reasonably sane and healthy young woman, perhaps wanting kids, certainly wanting love and sex. Your husband doesn't seem capable of either. The sad truth about Bipolar is it doesn't get better, lithium can help the ill person cope with life, smooth out the mood swings, but until a miracle happens don't expect real changes.

I'll go another step forward and ask why are you still married?

Even the Catholic Church would grant you an annulment though it takes many years, a civil no fault divorce, perhaps with alimony would be granted in every state, many within a year, some less as fewer divorces are being filed due to the economy.

Your husband's desire to stay married wouldn't count if you filed, many states have simple, inexpensive ways that don't require lawyers. If your household assets are not large, you risk little with a do-it-yourself divorce. Yes, divorce is not fun, but it is better than the alternative.

I urge you to think how you want to live your life. Good luck.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Thinktomuch,
Scanner isn't a woman and is about to be divorced. He lived within a sexless marriage for years. 

Lies,
Your husband needs a battery of tests immediately! Even bi-polar this is not normal. I asked my original question about sex before marriage because some guys have the "*****/Madonna" complex and see their now wife as Madonna. What that means is that they basically see their wife as their Mother, i.e no sex with her. If he didn't want sex before marriage I think there is something physical or emotional going on. Plenty of bi-polar people have healthy sex lives if their medication is properly prescribed. I think he needs a full panel workup. Test everything. Literally everything.


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## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

Brennan: your words are very helpful I am trying to reason everything and see what is most appropriate, I thank you for your advice.
take care


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This is about the worst story I've read on the board. How have you managed to even say married to him this long???


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## lies (Aug 29, 2010)

Atholk: I know is it scary and that is why I am opening up and sharing this difficult situation in my life, I will be looking at your blog not sure if "He" will ever look but I will try... I feel much better now with lots of comments about my posts. Thank you thank you.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Lies


have been married for 4 years and since i met my now "husband" we never have had sex, he always says that he takes meds for bipolar disorder and that keeps his sex drive down he does not like to talk about it but now i am suffering these moods and get upset and all i think is that he does like me and that is why he does not ask for sex. what should i do?????

Judith: It is vital taht nonsexual affection of all kinds occur. Usually if that is moved over into sexual affection -the desires return and can keep the momentum going. The key is to start the process and not do nothing. For women when they encounter nonsexual affection and there is no push for intercoruse it can help the drive to return. Sometimes it takes just doing that and talk about sex and thinking about it for it to return. For him he needs the same plus meds will do that for that type of thing. May ask him when he is in a good mood why he does not like to talk about it and maybe write about it to him for now. If he is on meds for Bipolar -depending on his past-can contribute to him not feeling comfortable to talk about it. 

Thoughts? 

Judith

please give me your opinions.
thank you.


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## RachelNuke (Oct 23, 2010)

Ok people, if you are NOT Bipolar, then you do NOT know firsthand anything about it, so stop pretending to...

To the person who made the original post, lies:

Lithium is a very potent drug and can cause many extreme issues, it is not to be taken lightly (I don't know why they even still prescribe it)...A COMPLETE loss of sex drive is common with this drug, maybe he should try something else. They have many drugs on the market now to treat Bipolar disorder (Seroquel, Abilify, Lamictal, Geodon, etc). One of these drugs or a combination may be necessary. It may take time (months or longer) to find a new drug or combo that will work better all around (control mood swings, restore libido, and no ill side effects), but it will be worth it. 

Bipolar disorder CAN be controlled well. He CAN have a completely normal life (I am living proof of it), he just needs the right meds, good support system, and help (assistance and understanding). 

It can be difficult living with someone with Bipolar disorder, but it can also be rewarding. Do not think of yourself as a psychiatric caretaker or something to that sort. Just be helpful and understanding. If it does turn out that he just doesn't want help, then there is nothing you can do and you will have to decide if you want to stay in the game for the long haul (I wouldn't recommend it). 

If he does want help, just try to be understanding. Once he gets the right meds and some therapy, it will be much easier. There are some cases where meds do not help though, so be prepared (this is not really common though).

The HAPPY truth about Bipolar is IT CAN BE TREATED. There is no "cure", but it can be treated, and the person can lead a completely normal life (with just some added medications and counseling - but isn't that the norm nowdays?  )


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