# Please help



## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

HI..
I live in india and my bf lives in canada... we are getting married in two months time...my parents his parents and me waiting here in india for him to come down and get married to me.. all the arrangements being done.... now is that he got a problem at his workkplace and had a fight between his colleages and that became a case on him... its been 7 full years since v saw him... wen we were so eagerly waiting for him to come down ..this happened... he is out on bail... 
our wedding invite has been sent to him n he has submitted it for travel document purpose.....
now its like he cannot travel out until the case gets over... may lik a year and a half... my parents wish i get married to him as sooner since all the arrangements are done alreasdy and the date has been fixed... n even i wish the same....
how does he come down to india?
my life is a question mark now...my parents are undergoing tuff situation..
PLEASE HELP....


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If I were you, I'd be concerned about whether or not you want to marry a guy who gets into fights at work that land him in jail and for which he needs to be bailed out.

You haven't seen him in 7 years? Are you sure this 1.5 year delay is real and he's not seeing someone else and stalling getting married? If everything checks out, then consult an immigration attorney about visa issues. Postponing the wedding isn't a big deal, but if there's a chance he's stalling it because he's got a local girl, then you should find a different guy. 7 years apart...are you sure you two ate the same people as when you first for together? People do change.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If he's telling the truth, the only way for him to travel is by talking to a lawyer. You may want to be involved in those conversations as well. I would agree that the situation may be grounds to re-think the wedding; most people don't get into altercations at work that involve lawyers and courts. If he keeps it up, his employment options will be pretty limited, and it doesn't bode well for his anger management skills.

C


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I presume this is going to be an arranged marriage and that you have seen him 7 years ago the last time.

I hate to say this but no man will be without a woman for 7 years.Also, he might be fibbing about the reasons he can not come to see you and marry you. It is highly likely he has someone else and he is buying time which is not an honorable behaviour regarding yourself.

You need to to take matters in your hands:
-have you got anyone that you can contact in Canada and who might give you info on your fiancee?
-can you find out where he works and send an email to the HR department to see if this fight really happened?
-contact the Indian Consulate in Canada requesting information on the impending case.
-contact your fiancee and ask him to arrange for you a tourist visa( send you the documents so that you can arrange it in India)
-tell him that you miss him and that you want to be with him

My guess is he will find another excuse for you not to come.

If this is the case, do not wait another 7 years waiting for a man to marry you.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I just re-read my previous post.
I hope that my predictions are not correct, but I am generally a very suspicious person.

You must find information about him from other sources and then make up your mind.


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

moxy said:


> If I were you, I'd be concerned about whether or not you want to marry a guy who gets into fights at work that land him in jail and for which he needs to be bailed out.
> 
> You haven't seen him in 7 years? Are you sure this 1.5 year delay is real and he's not seeing someone else and stalling getting married? If everything checks out, then consult an immigration attorney about visa issues. Postponing the wedding isn't a big deal, but if there's a chance he's stalling it because he's got a local girl, then you should find a different guy. 7 years apart...are you sure you two ate the same people as when you first for together? People do change.


it was bout racism the other guy spoke and he became angry n broke his arm for dat... his supervisors are supporting him but anytime he may lose his job ... those guys have filed a case on him now n he cannot come out of the country until the case gets over..
m pretty sure... he loves me a alot n so do i... m 100 percent sure he is true to me n not seeing anyone der...
yes we were seeing each other in college over here... after he left india we broke up... n again got back n decided to get married...


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

PBear said:


> If he's telling the truth, the only way for him to travel is by talking to a lawyer. You may want to be involved in those conversations as well. I would agree that the situation may be grounds to re-think the wedding; most people don't get into altercations at work that involve lawyers and courts. If he keeps it up, his employment options will be pretty limited, and it doesn't bode well for his anger management skills.
> 
> C


yes he told me dat he ll speak to his lawyer n figure out something.. n also told that my parents shud not yell at me telling " we gave yu freedom n yu are loser in life now.... cos my parents still donot know bout this prob.....we are jus thinking wat to do noe... totally clueless


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

Tiberius said:


> I presume this is going to be an arranged marriage and that you have seen him 7 years ago the last time.
> 
> I hate to say this but no man will be without a woman for 7 years.Also, he might be fibbing about the reasons he can not come to see you and marry you. It is highly likely he has someone else and he is buying time which is not an honorable behaviour regarding yourself.
> 
> ...


you are so right.... we studied together.. loved each other broke up and got back 2 yrs b4....its been 7 yrs since he left india... my parents have not seen him... but agreed to the wedding jus cos of his family... cos he is a good person from a good family....

during dat time of break up... both of us had a failure relationship ... wen we got back again we shared this.. now is that we both are so true to each other for this 2 yrs n we really wanna get married....

he is asking me to come over der.. i cant do dat since m from an orthodox family....he was to come last sep but his visa got failed... my parents waited til this june n now this hapd... we are so worried... n i cannot live without him..... he says his life is only with me....


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

my parents have waited for one half yrs now n they undergoing mental pressure n are anwerable to many of my relatives... he was to come by last sep... his visa got rejected.... so we all waited till this june n now this hapd... if he does not come now my parents have to put their heads down in front of ppl... this is so worse.... can he exit the country?? he is basically a srilankan who is a pr holder in canada now....

its not a criminal case..... jus one week for him to come down n now this incident hapd...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You shouldn't be hiding these details from your family.

Love blinds you to people's behavior and there are huge red flags here about his trustworthiness, his anger management, and your codependency.

Your parents' impatience is a horrible reason to marry. How would they feel if they pushed you to marry him now rather than later and then he broke your arm in an argument one day because you pissed him off about something? Or, how about your marriage fails because he cheats? No guy goes that long without sex. 

Can you hire a PI or something to find out what he is really up to. I get the feeling that he is lying and hiding a lot of things from you. I would advise you to break up with him or at least postpone the wedding until you get some answers from an independent source.

Tell your family to back off of they keep pressuring you. You're the one who will need to contend with your life choices in the end. By the way, you should get some counseling and learn how to be respectfully assertive with your parents rather than being pushed around; your name indicates that your in Chennai and desi parents can be so very pushy and overbearing so your niceness and compliance will cause you trouble later in being assertive w your h -- if you marry this guy (I hope you don't) you will need to be a lot tougher than you are now.

Please think about these posts without the romanticism of upcoming wedding bells to cloud your reality. You are ignoring big red flags!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Why don't you, mom and dad jump on a plane to Canada and get married there?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

chennaigal said:


> my parents have waited for one half yrs now n they undergoing mental pressure n are anwerable to many of my relatives... he was to come by last sep... his visa got rejected.... so we all waited till this june n now this hapd... if he does not come now my parents have to put their heads down in front of ppl... this is so worse.... can he exit the country?? he is basically a srilankan who is a pr holder in canada now....
> 
> its not a criminal case..... jus one week for him to come down n now this incident hapd...


I'm not in Canada so I don't know what the immigration laws are there.

I'm curious why you say this isn't a criminal case. Didn't you say he went to jail and is out on bail? That sounds like a criminal case rather than a civil (i.e. torts) case.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Why don't you, mom and dad jump on a plane to Canada and get married there?


The OP can answer, but I imagine that it's not always easy to get visas to go overseas plus the cost of all of them going overseas is much more than if he came down from Canada to her location.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

chennaigal said:


> yes he told me dat he ll speak to his lawyer n figure out something.. n also told that my parents shud not yell at me telling " we gave yu freedom n yu are loser in life now.... cos my parents still donot know bout this prob.....we are jus thinking wat to do noe... totally clueless


Your parents might be pushy, but you can make up your own mind about what they should and shouldn't be telling you and you can stand up to them if you want to. I hope you will also stand up to your bf because it sounds like he is stringing you along so that he can have his own fun and not worry about your needs. Your parents are reacting to info that they know. They don't know the whole story because you're hiding it. They think you're being wronged and that being heavy handed will help you. Your boyfriend sounds like he's telling you what your parents should and shouldn't be doing to you in their support capacity, but....please notice that he ISN'T actually there for you and is just sitting on the sidelines calling out the shots.

Your fiance knew that he had to travel soon to get married. He could have chosen to keep his temper in check so he didn't get into trouble. He didn't. Either he is deeply immature or he is deeply short-sighted. On top of that, instead of encouraging you to be forthcoming with your family so that they will be supportive, instead of cooperatively trying to solve the problem, he's just badmouthing the way that they are expressing support to you so that you will see him as a victim and make excuses for him when he should actually be carrying the burden of his failure to remain in good enough moral and civil standing to achieve his goal (flying out to marry you).

I am sorry, but you need to wake up to the fact that things are not as they seem. You're on dangerous territory and you are not seeing clearly. Please take a step back and think about what is going on. What would happen if all of a sudden, everyone was truthful and honest about these dynamics, agendas, etc? Then, people wouldn't be manipulating each other, they'd be making decisions based on what was actually there. Please take a step back and think about things.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi OP, there are a lot of things to think about here.

First of all, make sure to tread carefully. It is possible that your partner may not be honest with you about what is going on (only a possibility). My husband and I are currently going through the visa process (as he is in India right now, and I live in the US). But his cousin went through a crazy situation some years ago where she married an Indian man living in the US. But that guy was dishonest, as he married her in India, lived with her as a husband for some weeks, and then want back to the US and she never heard from him again. (He had promised her he'd file for her visa after going to the US, but then somehow he and his family didn't want to communicate with her family after that.) It took a huge toll on my husband's family as they felt that guy was there just to 'use her body' and then move on with his life, leaving the girl heartbroken.

You also have to think about what others have said, if your boyfriend has anger problems that he cannot resolve. He should have enough self control not to break someone's arm and land himself in jail. This is a big problem, showing a great level of immaturity on his part.

It is possible that he still loves you... but things seem uncertain. I can only advise you to be very careful. Although I think the advice thus far on this thread has been wise and helpful, I also sent you a PM with the name of another forum online with culture specific advice, so I highly recommend you check that site out, and let those people give you advice also. I also agree with the advice above about contacting the Indian embassy in Canada and seeing if your boyfriend's story checks out... they might be able to figure out and tell you if he really is in jail or not, for what he is in jail for, and when he is expected to be released. You can see if you can obtain this information from Canadian sources. I know you care for your boyfriend, but I just want you to guard your heart and proceed carefully so that you don't get excessively hurt if things don't work out the way you expect them to.

Also, I don't know about Canadian visa issues, but since I am going through the visa process in the US with my husband, I can shed some perspective. Here in the US, it's not possible to obtain a tourist visa while one is in process for a fiancee or spousal visa. I don't know what the requirements are Canada, so you would have to find out if it's possible for you to go there or not on a tourist visa or not, depending on whether your boyfriend has filed for you as his fiancee or not. You could either talk to a lawyer about this, or see if there are any Canadian visa forums where someone could help you with this issue.

Best wishes to you.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

chennaigal said:


> you are so right.... we studied together.. loved each other broke up and got back 2 yrs b4....its been 7 yrs since he left india... my parents have not seen him... but agreed to the wedding jus cos of his family... cos he is a good person from a good family....
> 
> during dat time of break up... both of us had a failure relationship ... wen we got back again we shared this.. now is that we both are so true to each other for this 2 yrs n we really wanna get married....


I agree with all the points made here by folks. Do take them seriously and do not get pressurized for the wedding. Moreover do not hide this information from your parents. Get the help of your parents to validate the facts first of all to make sure he is telling the truth. Do not take the anger management issue lightly. Does he shout at you or get angry easily otherwise? How often do you communicate? Do you talk on phone or video chat daily? 

You mentioned that he left India 7yrs ago since when he hasn't come back. Did you guys break up before he left for Canada? You got back together 2 yrs back. What was his status for the 5years he was in Canada before you got back together? Did he have a girlfriend? Were you in touch with each other before you got back together? How did you get back together? Who initiated it?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Assuming his story is real --

I really hate racism, but I have never broken someone's arm over it, or even struck them. That's not what adults do. I would think twice, and three times, and then some more about joining my life with this guy.


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> I'm not in Canada so I don't know what the immigration laws are there.
> 
> I'm curious why you say this isn't a criminal case. Didn't you say he went to jail and is out on bail? That sounds like a criminal case rather than a civil (i.e. torts) case.


he was arrested since dos guys gave a complaint on him..n was der with the cops ..der was enquiry done with him for a day......den the next day he came out thru bail....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That doesn't mean it's not a criminal case, it just means he is out on bail.

He could go to jail for this. He probably won't, if he has no prior record, but don't let him snow you that this is something minor.


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

eowyn said:


> I agree with all the points made here by folks. Do take them seriously and do not get pressurized for the wedding. Moreover do not hide this information from your parents. Get the help of your parents to validate the facts first of all to make sure he is telling the truth. Do not take the anger management issue lightly. Does he shout at you or get angry easily otherwise? How often do you communicate? Do you talk on phone or video chat daily?
> 
> You mentioned that he left India 7yrs ago since when he hasn't come back. Did you guys break up before he left for Canada? You got back together 2 yrs back. What was his status for the 5years he was in Canada before you got back together? Did he have a girlfriend? Were you in touch with each other before you got back together? How did you get back together? Who initiated it?



no he is not like dat to me... but treats me like a princess always... yeah but sumtimes gets angry n shows his face, but i adjust to it even after being a angry gal myself.. cos i think winning an arguement is not good for a wedded life in future so started reducing my temper...

he daily talks to me once aftyer he gets back home for 4 to 5 hrs by video chat... even if he is tired after working for double shift he does not mind it but calls me at the end of the day

we wer in a relationship here in india... he discontinued his studies here n left india 7 yrs b4...once he left we wer goin on for a yr... but later on we broke due to lack of communication but NOT COS OF ANY ISSUES OR FIGHTS
DEN AFTER 5 YRS WE GOT BACK TO EACH OTHER N NOW ITS GOIN TO 2 YRS SINCE WE ARE AGAIN IN A RELATIONSHIP N DECIDED TO MARRY EACH OTHER...

yes he was in canada n still in canada... during dos 5 yrs he was seeing a gal n she got married n even i was seeing a guy n we both broke up since dat guy never showed any love or care to wards me... wen we got back we shared this with each other...

no we wer not in touch for the 5 yrs.... both of us initiated for the second time.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You're right, he's a catch. Go for it.


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## chennaigal (Jun 19, 2012)

thank yu moxy, tiberius, t bear, rks1 ,lamaga, chris taylor.eowyne and coffee amore for spending yur time in giving advices to me.... 

i got to know certain things n came to realise in wat state my life is now... he spoke to me in a positive way telling he wants me n cannot live without me n ll make every possibility n prove himself guilty for the law n come as sooner....

hope things work out good for me....

guys plz pray for me.... will keep yu posted....


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm glad you posted again with more information. 

I worry that your feelings may be blinding you to some real problems with him. I say that not to hurt your feelings. I think may be romanticizing him and seeing only positive qualities in him. Please look at everything he does and not necessarily what he says. Words leave our lips easily, but actions speak louder than words. Some people are very smooth talkers, but when you look closely at their actions, you can see the contradiction between what they say and what they do.

If he gets angry to the point he is arrested, you need to realize he has an anger management problem. His anger problem is entirely his. YOU are NOT at fault for him getting angry. All of us are responsible for our own emotions. If someone says something to me, I can choose to get angry or not. 

I worry about you when you say things like "sometimes he gets angry and it shows on his face...so I started reducing my temper." It's not up to you to control his anger. That's his issue. Also, racism exists everywhere in the world. Some of the people who have posted in this thread probably experienced racism, but I seriously doubt any of them were arrested by the police for breaking the arm of the person who was racist to them. That's pretty serious. 

If he doesn't have a previous criminal record, he'll probably get off with a fine and/or community service. However, this incident could hurt future job opportunities. It's definitely something that won't look good on his record and some employers, mine for instance, probably won't hire someone like that. My employer does background checks and something like this would show up on a background check.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Good Luck to you.


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