# Can't take it back...desperate to help him



## Virgo (Mar 29, 2011)

How do I help my husband deal with his pain? I have been told by counselors that I can't take verbal or emotional abuse forever. I can't live in purgatory forever. I apologize/accept my role in the mess, I carry-on with supporting our household, I stand by him when he reverts to his anguish from four years ago, but it doesn't seem to help. He seems bound by anger and I can't help him out. When things are "okay" we get along, but when life gets stressful, he doesn't support me, he only focuses on what he needs and ignores taking care of our child. He told me while I was pregnant that it was a mistake and he should have never gotten me pregnant after the affair. Now our child is older and he still says hurtful things like that when he's upset (or "I don't think I love you" or "I should have left years ago" etc etc). I try to tell him that the carnage I caused is now being trumped by the carnage he causes, but he doesn't seem to know how to heal. This is not healthy, but I stand by my word. I want to be together for better or worse. We have endured worse. How do we get to better? How do I help him????


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You cannot help someone who does not want to get help. You can lead a horse to water...

Emotionally abusive people do not change unless they realize that what they are doing is wrong and get help for it themselves, of their own volition.

Sorry to hear this is happening. My stbx is this way and I am sad to say, it only got worse over time. He would constantly threaten me with divorce, say we won't working out, and that he regretted getting married. 

You can only do your part. Either he works with you to restore the marriage, or you accept that is the way he is going to be and tolerate it. Or you move on.


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## Virgo (Mar 29, 2011)

Thanks, Jellybeans. I guess I knew that's what I would hear, but it's not what I want. I've told myself a million times that you can't make someone love you...you just can't. It hurts because I came into the relationship willing to do anything...a single girl willing to raise his two young children (2.5 and 4 at the time), support him through an ugly 3yr custody battle and ten years later, because I reacted poorly dealing with our stresses and stepped out, he can't seem to find it in his heart to love me. I've given so much to him. I just don't understand. i felt unappreciated, and handled it poorly, I try to work with him on rebuilding, and he tears down.

I know what I need to do, but I really love this man and want it to work. We have a child together now, and I don't want to stay just for him, but I hate to see him go through what his half brother and half sister went through.

I know I'm whining. I'm heart-broken. Devastated. Just broken.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

You're not whining Virgo, just a person in pain, I guess you are the only one that knows your breaking point. It's HIS issue if he can't forgive you, not yours. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by being remorseful, and trying to atone for your indiscretion. Unfortunately, you can't force him to get over it, now, if I am reading this correctly, you were the one who cheated? 

Me and my husband are both guilty of EA and PA, my husband, 3 EA's, one PA, me 1 EA/PA. I am truly remorseful for what I have done, my husband hasn't hit that yet. Has your husband gone into counseling?


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## TimT (Mar 25, 2011)

Yes... I'd encourage counseling for your husband, too. Your marriage is stuck in an unhealthy pattern that is not going to change unless one of you shifts (you by creating boundaries or maybe even leaving; or he by dealing with his need to forgive). As long as he remains empowered by his pain rather than by forgiveness, your marriage cannot move forward.

We all need grace; even betrayed spouses. I am working with a couple who, a year after the discovery of his affair, were still stuck. She was not making any progress out of her pain. One night, when friends were visiting in their home, she drank heavily and began venting her anger. She started hitting him so severely that he started bleeding heavily from his head and arms. The friends called the cops and she was hauled off to jail.

She awoke the next morning not even remembering what happened. But when she read the police report, she fell apart, assuming that her husband was probably at home changing the locks and calling an attorney. Actually, he was doing everything he could to help his wife. It was his turn to offer grace (finally relieved that he could change roles!) and he let it pour.

Her experience of being forgiven allowed it flow from her in return. What a breakthrough it's been for them! I certainly wouldn't recommend drinking/abuse for any kind of intervention (nor would they), but it highlights the need for ALL of us to be aware of our own weakness, failures, and need for grace. I hope your husband can find his own way toward that and, in turn, be free to offer it back to you.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You know, TimT is right... Grace is required for a marriage to heal. In case you are unclear on what Grace is.. It is when get something we do not deserve to have.. or from his perspective, Forgiving someone who does not deserve forgiveness. 

I wonder if you fully understand the magnitude of what has happened. It doesn't sound like whining, but it does sound like you are having trouble accepting his new reality. 

You see, just like you thought you could never do this, He thought the same thing. And now he knows that you can. And if you can do it once, you can do it again. Statistically speaking you re more likely to cheat again, than not. That is his reality... it may not be yours, but that is his. You see, he has to accept that this is forever part of you. He can change, but you can not "uncheat" - That is a REALLY hard pill for men to swallow. 

SO when TimT talks about grace, I agree... Maybe he doesn't deserve a break here, but you should give it to him. And likewise, He should learn to forgive you, even though you do not deserve it. 

God forgives us, when we do not deserve it... all the time. That is why Grace is divine. What you should be hoping for is mercy... That is when you DON'T get what you deserve. 

Now i understand that all this "crime and punishment" talk sounds tough, but this is a tough situation. In all honesty, I would try Church before a counselor. It seems to me that there are some fundamental "right and wrong" issues that take precedence over behavior issues here. 

There are so many things to address that I would actually suggest both. I wonder if you are speaking apology language, if it was effective or not. might look into that as well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

TimT said:


> As long as he remains empowered by his pain rather than by forgiveness, your marriage cannot move forward.


That is 100% correct.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Tim T and Two Time are right on.

Two wrongs don't make a right. You are both wrong and you both need to stop blaming. It's done. What's happened can't be undone. What you BOTH need is a SOLUTION to help heal the hurt and pain you are both experiencing. You are both in need of help.

I think there are moral issues of right and wrong here in your characters and would suggest if you are unable to pay for counselling for the duration (important) till you both heal maybe a lesson at a place of worship or if not religious pay a donation to someone working on an ethics organisation prepared to listen and ask searching questions so that it makes you both consider your actiions and of course the reality of the other option:
LIVING ALONE, PAYING BILLS ON YOUR OWN, HALF CHILDREN SEPERATED FROM EACH OTHER and another broken home. Starting out all over again with no guarantees that the same won't happen. That's why TAM is important to help an individual consider the possiblities. Life is full of opportunities many good others not so good and with little children to feed your opportunities may be limited therefore it is important to pull yourselves together and work through the hurt. Infidelity is the most painful experience ever. It is where betrayal opens a pandora's box of every hurtful emotion that can be heaped on a person. 

H kids have already been there once before. You both need help to work through all of this to an amicable solution.

There are people strong enough to AVOID an affair when the going gets tough in a relationship but yet unable to COMMUNICATE and this causes loss too and there are others NOT strong enough and step out of marriage and wreck havoc on all. The real message is communication. All relationships need it. 

If you can't talk with each other without digressing into negativity this is where a third party to arbitrate is important. 

Write down how you feel about everything and what you want from H and for the family and ask H to respond on how he feels about everything and what is the best way forward to secure both your future and that of the children in a positive and not negative way.

Good luck. There is a lot of good help here on TAM.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I guess I would look at it like this... Maybe the lack of recovery is causing him to hold on to his anguish? Unless effort is made by both partners on purpose to recreate romance, fun, sexual attraction and happiness, the anguish will last. Reserach "recovery from infidelity". So the question to ask him is not to make it all better and forgive me and fix it all at once, but is he willing to start along with you to take some actions to SEE if anything changes for the better?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Virgo said:


> ....through an ugly 3yr custody battle and ten years later, because I reacted poorly dealing with our stresses and stepped out, he can't seem to find it in his heart to love me. I've given so much to him. I just don't understand. i felt unappreciated, and handled it poorly, I try to work with him on rebuilding, and he tears down.


This is the heart of the problem.

You are still making excuses for what you did and he is reacting poorly.

The two of you could benefit from marriage counseling.

You because you do not see the full impact of your decision to cheat. He because he does not have the tools to heal properly.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As a man, I've always tried my best to honor my committments and seldom have I broken my promises to others. While it is true that I divorced my ex-W a year and a half after she confessed to me her affair, I did so because the level of emotional abuse I was subjecting her was WRONG, WRONG, WRONG (did I say it was WRONG?) and just like she broke her vows to love, cherish, and to forsak all others during her affair, I was breaking my pwn vows to love and cherish her. Of course she was devastated when I informed her of my decision to divorce her but I also explained to her that it was not an act of revenge on my part but a final act of love on my part towards her.

Just as for some couples an affair has been a wake up call that there are issues that contributed to the creation of a marital environment fertile enough for an affair to occur, the filing of divorce has been a wake up call to couples where one or both could not forgive.

I wish you and yours the best


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

See... that's why I'm leaving. I don't want resentment after the fact because of some stupid "trigger." I can't let go, so this is what I have to do. He, on the other hand, apparently made a commitment to R and forgive your indiscretions. Now you have a child that's being put in the middle of all this drama. I'm soooooo glad no kids are involved in my situation. THIS REALLY SUCKS!


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## just40bp (Mar 19, 2011)

For what it is worth. My wife had many affairs. I check every thing and still find stuff that is old. Not so much new stuff just from the past. There are triggers in every day life that set me off and change my mood in a second. I can controle the ride just try to hang on for eight seconds. Wife is sorry and is trying to understand and work through this with me. I would say that you will need to try to reassure him as much as you can that you love him. Start with the littlethings first. Just like when you met the first time. Take it slow with him. Start to court him again, when he is ready he will follow with the same slow process. You have to show him he is first in your life and marriage. If he does not beleave this he will be angry. He will resent the child because the child takes away from his attention and needs. Start with the small things like a simple note on a paper under his pillow, or lunch made for work. Take away the destractions from life and plug him into the marriage. It takes time and the triggers will be there for a good while, but if he see this turn he will turn also. I know anger builds to rage and most of the time stims from resentment over an issue that has triggered it. Three years for me since DDay. She has been out of town alone for a full week, still do not trust her, and she knows it. I am still deeply hurt but we do have two great kids togeather. I am still here trying to put my life back togeather and have decided this week that I have to work harder at this. And I hope with more time those triggers will dull down and not be set off so fast. For me it can be something said or something I see that reminds me of what happened, no telling what it will be. Don't take that wrong I am not phisicaly mean, I have said some hurtful things to my wife, but it was not without a return volley from her. None of this was done in front of children though. If a person is phisicaly or verbaly abusive on a continual basis, then I would disance my self for protection. I just wish someone would tell my wife this, it would mean the world if she would start to do things like this for me and I would feel like I had to tell her my every little need or desire. For what it is worth.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Most of you are ignoring the very possible fact that just maybe his sub-conscious will not let him get over this, no matter what you or anyone else says---none of you live in his shoes

Yes he is staying, and yes he they now have a child together---that does not take away from the fact that they are both leading miserable, unhappy, terrible lives

That is not the way your one trip thru life on this planet is spose to go----that is also why there is divorce---so those that are so unhappy, and cannot make it together---get a fresh start in life

The kids will be much better off with two somewhat happy split parents, than what the OP is describing in her post

She cheated she is miserable, cuz she can't get him to let it go---he triggers much of the time, and probably much of the time can't stand to even look at her.

This is a situation where both would be much better off apart, with a new start in life------a round peg will not go in a square hole no matter what you try


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## MisguidedMiscreant (Dec 28, 2010)

If it's at all comforting, I don't think he's going to leave. If he's still going on like this after all this time and hasn't left yet, then he's in it for the long haul. The others are right, it happened, he just hasn't figured out how to deal yet and making a poor decision as you said you have in handling it. The question is do you think you can hang with this until he figures it out?


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