# Increasingly odd behaviour from wife wanting divorce



## jaybird (Sep 16, 2009)

My Wife has asked to be separated/divorce about a month ago and advised that I find a lawyer. We have been together for 23 years and have two children (9/18). She claims to not be emotionally into the marriage for some time, etc. 

Anyway, she informed me in late August that she wants a divorce. I'm still struggling with that but have come to accept that it may be finally over. I have indicated that she should find somewhere else to live and she hasn't rejected the notion.

Fast forward to this week ....

This week, she has been busily looking for a new job and claims that things are not that great in her current position as she has a 'problem' with the manager she will be reporting to. At least this is what she has told me. Yes, everyone has the right to change careers, but what's curious and odd is the timing. Why now ? Why take the chance at a new job when you know that you may be faced with the possibility of talking on a mortgage and extra expenses after a separation. It would seem to me if you had a stable job, which she does, you would want to stay there until things settle. What am I missing here ?

Even stranger, is that today she asked if I could talk to my brother, who is a lawyer, to see if he could help to mediate a separation agreement to save money. My family is still reeling from the shock that we are getting separated. Is she playing a game here or could she be that naive or clueless. On what planet would my family want to help her facilitate the break-up of my marriage ... that's simply an insane request. Am I wrong ?

Then I found out she paid down almost $8000 against her Visa, yet she is looking to save on lawyers fees. 

Anyways, these incident just seem all very odd in my opinion, particularly as she had requested the separation. I have always suspected that my W hasn't really thought through what she is doing or has asked for.

Does this seem odd or am I missing something all together.

Jay


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Well she is frugile with money, wanting to save on attorney fees. Why pay them if you don't have to? if bro in law will give a deal of free why not? 

Maybe she is way ahead of you in being "over" she's ready to move forward.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

It took me a good long cry to figure out what is wrong with my marriage. I haven't read your post to see if your wife might be going through the same thing. Basically, I have been unhappy with several issues that my husband has refused to change. I finally got fed up and called divorce lawyers. After several huge fights, he finally caved in and will agree to the divorce. I became relieved. Then he changed his mind and said firmly, "I am not going to walk away from my family and my wife! I just can't do it" Although he sounded defeated, he truly was willing to stake his life on this statement. All this divorce planning was completely a vengeful act on my part. Also, when he proposed that we each take a son, rather than letting me take both, I realized that I can't bear to part with someone I love and devoted so much time and energy. I tried to convince myself it was a huge trade-off, give up my son to get rid of my husband. Previously, I was forcing him to give up three people he loves. In conclusion, I realize that the love we four share together is greater than anything else in this world. The weakest link is the love I have for my husband. We can live homeless, with no money, isolated from any people, and we will still be a happy family as long as we are together. I will continue this idea in another thread under reconciliation.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

jaybird, I think you are focusing way too much on her behavior and looking for something that isn't there. If she is "starting over" (which is how I feel about my divorce), then changing careers makes perfect sense, as does paying down debt, etc. I don't see anything odd about any of her behavior!! Maybe asking for help from your brother, but hey, if it saves $$, it was worth a shot. Just tell her no!


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I don't think you can possibly focus too much on behavior. Her behavior says that she is ready to move on, full steam ahead.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I see nothing wrong with her behavior. And I don't nkow why your brother wouldn't mediate if he is comfortable with it. It saves you money as well.


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## jaybird (Sep 16, 2009)

Great feedback! 

I think that all of us that are going through this are all looking for the 'explanation' of why things work out the way they have. I don't disagree that one has to accept reality and move on, but I do sense from her at times that she isn't fully thinking it through. Perhaps the stress of the entire situation is a factor, but my view has been if you are 'committed' to go down this avenue you must recognize and accept the consequences that there are more casualties and fall out that will result. Is it the end of the world, surely no, but there is a much bigger picture.

I think everyone would agree that paying the 'ridiculous' fees to a lawyer is almost a crime in itself (sorry if I offend any lawyers), so no objection on being frugal, but my perspective has been, it would be an uncomfortable position to put my own brother in, particularly if it gets 'ugly' and he wouldn't necessarily be impartial. I think it would be unfair to him to put him in that position ... so it's hard to comprehend why even go down that path or make that suggestion. Perhaps from my W perspective my family means nothing to her and it's quite fine to use them in any way she sees fit.

Sensitive, I like your perspective. I have two boys, and could not dream of having them split up. But I also couldn't live with being a 'weekend' visitor either, that would be devastating. I would certainly prefer to see my children 24/7/365 and somehow live with my W as well. It might be a tall order for her, but I am sure she hasn't really thought about the reality of situation that she could end up being the 'weekend' visitor and not having that daily contact.

Others have suggested that the odd behavior by my W may point to there being someone else in the picture ... her boss. I have only weak evidence that this may be the case, so it's totally speculative.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She was only asking if he'd do it. She wasn't doing anything more. Since he is free to say no and she is aware of that, how can you accuse her of not caring? He may want to help YOU to save money. He is a professional and he may not have a problem with it. But if he does, he can decline.

I had a friend who during is divorce, kept doing what you're doing -- questioning what she's doing and why, and making it sound like she's stupid or crazy or "not thinking it through". I thought it was demeaning and insulting of him. I personally think it was part of the way he coped, by tearing her down because how could anyone want to spend money that way or break up the family now or this or that or whatever. But I don't think it reflected reality.

You sound a lot like him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

She may or may not be making alot of sense to you. You know her best. 

The fact that she hasn't quit her job is a good sign. She is just looking for something better. No harm in that. Could be boss problems or perhaps more????

The brother as mediator. Probably not in her best interest. He will be partial to you. It may save money but maybe not hers! She wasn't really thinking of your brothers feelings...probably just saving a few bucks.

What were her reasons for not being emotionall into the marriage? It sounds vague.


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