# What if there is little sex, but a lot of love?



## take my hand (Nov 26, 2008)

We've never had a huge sex life and I wonder (after reading through other posts) if something is wrong with us. We are a once a month couple. I could go a lot more these days, but he is fine as is. Neither of us initiate it all that much. I guess I'm just content because we are still affectionate and I have never been one to enjoy sex a ton. He doesn't seem to be all that interested and he says that is how he has always been once he is with a girl he loves - does that sound bizarre? Does our infrequent love-making make us UN-normal? Any thoughts would be appreciated..


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

If you are ok with it, then i think its fine. In my opinion its really about what works and makes both of you feel good in the marriage. Do you want your H to initiate more? Do you have fantasy's that you wish you could play out with him?


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

take my hand-

It's always a mistake to compare yourself with others, but it's a common attitude. A lot of people come to this board to see if they are within the bounds of normal.

What you did not say is if you marriage is totally, warm and loving. To me sex is like the boiler in the basement that keeps the whole hose warm. The only danger I foresee in your case is that once a month could slip to once every two months, and then the "pilot light" could go out - to go back to my boiler analogy.

Obviously, my 7 times a week average would exhaust you just to read about it on the page  But I like the thermostat up high, and unlike the oil for your furnace, it does not cost any thing to heat a marriage in this way.

You could look into spicing things up just a little. If you know there is something that turns him on, DO IT. Good luck, and report back. It's great that you're both on the same page. I just think that sex should never be left on auto pilot indefinitely.



take my hand said:


> He doesn't seem to be all that interested and he says that is how he has always been once he is with a girl he loves - does that sound bizarre?


A report by a therapist, that later became a book does indicate that this happens. It often creates a problem when the other partner wants sex at the original frequency. It seems that the closeness of love crowds out the desire for sex due to a loss of personal space. It's actually a fear of closeness - and losing one's identity. In other words, fear of being smothered. That's the theory, but it might not be true! The other point she makes in the book, is that how you were loved as a child is how you will love as an adult. If there was little demonstration of physical affection and touch, then the marriages of such grown up children will revert to type: Little intimacy. 

The book is "Mating in captivity" by Esther Perel.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Sounds like you are doing great! As long as both partners are satisfied with the frequency of the sex and with the rest of the relationship, you have NOTHING to worry about.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MsLady said:


> Sounds like you are doing great! As long as both partners are satisfied with the frequency of the sex and with the rest of the relationship, you have NOTHING to worry about.


:iagree:

draconis


----------



## take my hand (Nov 26, 2008)

Guess I'm just bored and disappointed.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

take my hand said:


> Guess I'm just bored and disappointed.



That's interesting, because you convinced the other responders and myself, that you were reasonably happy with this state of affairs.

More importantly, you may have convinced your husband that you are happy with it - especially by not initiating. Your husband probably masturbates to use up his excess sex drive. You could get in there and grab some of that.

People get into a rut - it's nobody's fault, but it's not much fun. Maybe you need to really talk to him about it. He has already admitted that it's his pattern.

On the other hand, does he refuse you if you initiate?
If not, just start initiating more, get him used to it. But while you're at it, try to make it exciting as well - it's not very hard to do if you know the guy.


----------

