# I don't get it



## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not about the BS. The choice to cheat was on the one who cheated.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> It's not about the BS. The choice to cheat was on the one who cheated.


Yes I get that, but why?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Because they think they can get away with it. Both of them.

There are strong parallels with dieting and credit use as well...

Temptation everywhere. Some people just refuse to control their impulses...

OP and Wayward just make a choice to act on their impulses rather than control them.

People trying to lose weight or reduce debtload have the same problem.

Just one bite, just one small purchase and it will all be fine...

And it snowballs from there.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Daisy10 said:


> I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


people are crazy.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

The imperfection of human nature. There will always be cheaters. If anything, wonder why some don't cheat as that's a more productive line of inquiry.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> The imperfection of human nature. There will always be cheaters. If anything, wonder why some don't cheat as that's a more productive line of inquiry.


ARe you trying to suggest that there are more cheaters than noncheaters? Because I don't believe that's true. But I don't want to derail this thread, because I am more interested in the question I posed in the OP.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> OP and Wayward just make a choice to act on their impulses rather than control them.


*But if they have such a lovely spouse and life at home, why would they even have the impulse to cheat?* I'm not just talking about any old cheater here, I'm talking about people who have darn-near perfect lives and spouses.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> *But if they have such a lovely spouse and life at home, why would they even have the impulse to cheat?* I'm not just talking about any old cheater here, I'm talking about people who have darn-near perfect lives and spouses.


lovely.. nice, but not exciting and new... they tell you they love you, you feel they are going through the motion, but when new person says it... oooh, tingly inside...


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> *But if they have such a lovely spouse and life at home, why would they even have the impulse to cheat?* I'm not just talking about any old cheater here, I'm talking about people who have darn-near perfect lives and spouses.


That's the rub, there is no such thing as perfect. If there was then one would get extremely board very quickly I can assume, and that is when they would cheat for some sort of excitement or difference in their life, not because they were missing something or unhappy in their current life. This is generally why the extremely wealthy take of charitable issues and crusades as they need something more in their lives than what they currently have (which most of us look on in awe and wonderment at wishing we had half of what they possess. With each new level comes a different set of issues, problems, and dreams).


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Because its easy to mess with someone that is decent and kind. People that cheat don't really care about who they hurt as long as they get what they want. Sure it could be for that moment but to them its worth you suffering. You just have to learn to be smarter and clearer with the things you will accept from a mate. 

If I think my spouse is cheating on me I might do a little investigation to confirm it but after that I wont waste another second. 

Its up to the individual for what they will allow. People that are experiencing this for the first time have a harder time setting there boundaries. 

You will never really know why you were cheated on but you will know you were cheated out of the love and respect. I would not spend to much time wondering why. 

Clay


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> ARe you trying to suggest that there are more cheaters than noncheaters? Because I don't believe that's true. But I don't want to derail this thread, because I am more interested in the question I posed in the OP.


Statistics are notoriously difficult to pin down on this subject. The estimates are that 20-30% of people in a marriage have or will cheat, and that a little over 50% of all people have cheated in some relationship they've had. Some estimates are even higher, up to 70%. But, as you say, that's not your focus here.

I think you are correct that boredom is a significant factor in many cases. Also, feeling unappreciated or not getting much attention, self-esteem problems that are often associated, or simply an individual's nature (some people are naturally more or less monogamous/promiscuous) - there are many, many possible reasons. The only consistent result is that they acted on the impulse rather than deal with it in a constructive manner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Daisy10 said:


> Yes I get that, but why?


Because they chose to. It is as simple as that.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I can only speak for my wife who cheated on me.....

Because they are self centered, selfish people who think its all about them. They are flawed fundamentally.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Because they want to and an opportunity presents. 
If someone really doesn't want to cheat they won't.

All the excuses I have seen are just that- excuses.

A friend used to say excuses are like a$$holes, everyone's got one.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Because people are complex. They cheat for a million reasons. Some do it because they are addicted to sex. They are just looking for the sexual release. Some crave the excitement/danger associated with forbidden sex. Some do it because they need the validation. They enjoy being wanted/sought after by someone else. Some do it for revenge. Some do it because they were drunk and horny and made a horrible decision.

It doesn't always go back to the BS. Marriages hit funks sometimes. Both parties are responsible for issues in a marriage. One party chooses to violate the vows of marriage, sometimes both do. 

You seem to be asking why some people are content to stay faithful in a marriage while others are not. That is a question as complex as the human mind.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


Because even the most beautiful of people, caring, and loving, wind up with pieces of shyte. It happens to the best of us.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm so tired of hearing from my h how "flawed" he is...how human like, It's like, it made it all ok... Pftttttt! 

~sammy


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


Well... and I might get some heat here, but....

Just as the WS has their version of the marriage, so to does the BS. NO marriage is perfect, so for anyone to be all "but I was the perfect spouse, I did everything right..." I think is a laying it on a little thick, IMHO.

That being said, and ultimately, I can only speak for my marriage, it was not a good one. Peppered with good moments, but overall not good. 

In retrospect, I married my WH too young and too soon. I was warned to take my time and cool my heels, but you know, I was in "love"! I was so sure this was a match made in Heaven! He's educated, intelligent, handsome, his father is a preacher, he's a "good Christian man".... I "knew" he was it!

The cracks started appearing within a few weeks of our marriage. Porn and sexual chat rooms/groups. All of which denied ("The computer was hacked" :rofl: ). But I persevered. The first 6 months of our marriage was one big UTI for me (sorry, TMI, I know). Instead of him being understanding and caring, he was angry and mad. Pissed that we weren't having sex 24/7 because of my health issues. So early on, sex just had a bad connotation for me. Bad because of the pain and suffering it brought me, and the realization that my WH is only happy when he's getting laid.

So... the gradual shutdown started happening on my end, and he slipped further and further into his porn/alcohol/spending/gambling addictions.

We had trouble conceiving (due to ovarian cysts), finally fell pregnant after 4 years of marriage, but miscarried. Us not having kids on his "schedule" was also a problem. Instead of being supportive and patient, I got "I don't want to be a father past 35". Because I didn't feel less of a woman as it was. So I went through the hormone treatments, the monthly invasive internal ultrasounds, whatever I had to do to "fix" this. 

Then we have a kid 3 years later... and he steps out on me. Goes to strip clubs 10 days after our child was born. So my bitterness grows. I give him the child he "always wanted".... and he's out in the streets, chasing women, racking up thousands in bar tabs and sex dating sites, and drinking. 

Shutdown complete. 

Sure, we had our moments, but I knew something was deeply wrong, more wrong than the usual. I just got apathetic. Focused all my attention and energy on my child. He did tell me that one of the reasons for cheating was that he felt like I didn't want or need him anymore after the baby came, and in a way, he was right. I had someone new to love that wouldn't hurt and disappoint me the way my WH had. 

In retrospect I wish I had handled things differently. I wish I divorced him in the early days, but I was scared and proud. I wish I was tougher on him, tougher on setting boundaries. I wish I demanded he go to therapy for his myriad addictions. But I didn't, and here we are.

No BS is or was perfect, but it doesn't matter anyway. Whether they were super-spouses or a-holes, the decision to cheat rests with the cheater.

The end.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If you look at infidelity web sites and read comments from marriage experts you will find that they report that even those people who cheat will say they were in a good marriage or even a great marriage and they still cheated.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This should be enough for starters:** 
They're bored
 They have became markedly detached
Longing for something new and exciting
The thrill of the hunt
The thrill of living dangerously
Wanting to see the other spouse experience hurt and pain
Sexually/emotionally deprived
*


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> *But if they have such a lovely spouse and life at home, why would they even have the impulse to cheat?* I'm not just talking about any old cheater here, I'm talking about people who have darn-near perfect lives and spouses.


There are some people who are never satisfied. That will always apply to life and marriage. There will always be greener grass, bluer waters and enticing other people for those who think this way.

When it comes to people, life and relationships "near perfect" isn't perfect. It's the second place is first loser mentality.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *This should be enough for starters:**
> They're bored
> Longing for something new and exciting
> The thrill of the hunt
> ...


[*]They f'n suck!


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I think people cheat because of lack of personal/emotional boundaries. When my boundaries were crashing down I talked to my man and we had an open relationship for a bit. It sucked! The feelings have no basis on reality, they are just chemical highs that go away in time. We both had a go at the fantasy and realized how pathetic it was. I don't know what I would have done or what would have happened if we didn't have open communication about what we were thinking and feeling. Now we know, if we are attracted to someone- stay the he!! away from them and discuss it with each other. Just my experience.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Stupidity?

Also, looking for someone 'better?' Plan B does happen, sadly.

Gullibility might be a factor.

Also, a poor self-image. Someone with a poor self-image (man or woman) can be vulnerable to approaches by someone who is either a player or who knows what they want and goes for it, all guns blazing.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Daisy10 said:


> Yes I get that, but why?


Why is there pain? Why is there hunger? Why is there injustice? Why? Just because.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


In my experience the 'grass could be greener' syndrome is an incredibly strong pull to a person. Obviously they should be able to counter it but many people are weaker than others in this regard.

Nomatter how good their lives maybe be in general some want to dip their toe to find out

Nomatter what situations I have ever found myself in regarding the other sex I have always been able to resist that urge, that curiosity but clearly for many it is a difficult thing to ignore


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Why is there pain? Why is there hunger? Why is there injustice? Why? Just because.


Reminds me of that line in the song: "Why does my heart go on beating?"


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Headspin said:


> In my experience the 'grass could be greener' syndrome is an incredibly strong pull to a person. Obviously they should be able to counter it but many people are weaker than others in this regard.
> 
> Nomatter how good their lives maybe be in general some want to dip their toe to find out
> 
> Nomatter what situations I have ever found myself in regarding the other sex I have always been able to resist that urge, that curiosity but clearly for many it is a difficult thing to ignore


Curiosity killed the cat.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

I think that cheating is much like an addiction in that no matter what the addiction the causes are usually the same, what the addicted person choses to be addicted to gives us different addictions. A cheater is addicted to the adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin and a number of other hormones that enhance and drive our mating instinct. There are a whole set of different hormones in the settled love that enhance being together, raising the children. The hormones to settle aren't very exciting or release the fun hormones in our brain. The love hormone addicted individual has a hard time living without the thrill. Add to that the myriad of reasons presented in this thread to be unhappy in a marriage in this thread and you have a solution, cheating.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think it's hard enough to truly hold it all together alone, but living with another person takes effort. It's one of those critical things in life that doesn't actually get explicitly examined nearly enough. What is healthy, what is not. What habits should be developed, and which ones are dangerous? How do you communicate effectively? What do individuals do to sabotage themselves or their partners? It goes on and on. But we pretty much just plough through life. You start dating, because that's what you do, right? You live your life, you have a job , kids, a mortgage, expectations. You don't realize what you aren't doing in the midst of that, letting the connection erode. Even if you do, it's not clear how to fix it. You try and fail, try and fail. You don't have the skills, or knowledge of what exactly is wrong, or how to improve, because it was never shown to you. It's frustrating, easier to stop trying and just endure. Then you are ripe for corrupting. Someone starts paying attention, saying the right things, and the chemical reactions start in your brain. Blah, blah, ****ing blah. Before you know it, your life is blown all to hell, for essentially nothing, and what you thought were problems before are miniscule compared to the cesspool you just dragged your marriage into.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

But you are speaking of perfect marriages, maybe they exist, but likely perfection is fleeting at best. I would think a lot of perfection is an illusion to, a show put on public display. Who knows what goes on behind closed doors. I think even in my own case, which more resembles my prior post, a lot of people would be shocked to find our marriage had been rocked by infidelity, because we can and usually do both act the parts in public.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Lack of boundaries and respect, selfishness, boredom, entitlement... the list goes on. 

Personally, I think it takes another kind of person to not just
have a ONS with someone else, but to be able to keep going back
like a crack addict. It's almost an illness.

Like Thornburn said, even people who are in good marriages cheat.

I had a relative who kept saying to me "well, you know, you both
were responsible for the condition of your marriage", which was
true. However, it wasn't *my* responsibility to read her mind and
magically know how she felt inside, nor could I help her when she
was choosing to hide things from me in order to continue her affair.

I would beat myself up, wondering wtf it was that I did wrong, day and
night. Until I read 3 books on infidelity and discovered that I was already 
doing most of the things that good husbands/lovers do.

Hence: it wasn't me. It was her. Something inside her was broken and rather
than come to me to help her fix it, she took the easy way out and lied.

Cheaters always do.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> Curiosity killed the cat.


And in many cases, her marriage...


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sadly there is a lot of truth to the old saying:

People are as faithful as their opportunities.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Sadly there is a lot of truth to the old saying:
> 
> People are as faithful as their opportunities.


That never applied to me, personally.

I was out a few times per month, playing shows at all the popular
bars around town and yet _somehow_ remained faithful to my eww.

It was because I loved her and thought she had my back.

Whoops....


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

russell28 said:


> lovely.. nice, but not exciting and new... they tell you they love you, you feel they are going through the motion, but when new person says it... oooh, tingly inside...


:iagree:


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> That never applied to me, personally.
> 
> I was out a few times per month, playing shows at all the popular
> bars around town and yet _somehow_ remained faithful to my eww.
> ...


Exactly! I toured with several major rock bands. If anything turning "opportunity" down makes (in my case) men, try harder. I never crossed the line. 

There were also mounds of drugs to be had and I never bothered, except for a bit of recreational weed in Amsterdam. But hey I had the opportunity to do heroin, I managed to decline. Hmm, must be a freak.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's simple. We don't get the full story here. We get one side. The jaded side. The betrayed side. The hurting and confused side.

I understand your point though. It's just that we're incapable of seeing our own faults so it seems as though the lives we portray here are perfect. 

I for one know that I am an extremely difficult man to live with. If others had as much introspective forthcoming it would be a lot more clear why the WS cheated.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

sinnister said:


> It's simple. We don't get the full story here. We get one side. The jaded side. The betrayed side. The hurting and confused side.
> 
> I understand your point though. It's just that we're incapable of seeing our own faults so it seems as though the lives we portray here are perfect.
> 
> I for one know that I am an extremely difficult man to live with. If others had as much introspective forthcoming it would be a lot more clear why the WS cheated.


Yeah that's true. I'm a stubborn b!tch, hate being wrong. I'm prone to intense sarcasm. I judge people based on silly thing like taste in movies...BUT he knew all that when he married me,


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Not only that, it's a choice to cheat. It's not something that just happens. When we say we have issues, and I know I do, too, we are not saying that justifies betraying your spouse by sleeping with someone else. They can decide to go to MC or divorce. Infidelity isn't the only thing on the menu.


Exactly there are no bars on the windows or doors in our home. He as as much access to an attorney as I do. Heck if he's feeling lazy one lives a few doors down.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Exactly! I toured with several major rock bands. If anything turning "opportunity" down makes (in my case) men, try harder. I never crossed the line.
> 
> There were also mounds of drugs to be had and I never bothered, except for a bit of recreational weed in Amsterdam. But hey I had the opportunity to do heroin, I managed to decline. Hmm, must be a freak.


Hahaha me too, must be the rock and roll thread! 
I've also toured around as a pro musician and I thought I was the wierd one. I always managed to find an excuse to get away from the drugs and a stupid amount of woman throwing themselves at you.

I never went there and I know people thought I was a rare breed but I never found it difficult.

But it is a wierd ol' business the music world - often I found the complete opposite of the 'outside' world.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think people are generally unhappy and miserable...thus do miserable things to each other.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> That's normal brain chemical reaction. Those reactions fall away if they are not groomed in a marriage. You, as the husband, must learn ways to surprise her, make yourself the new boyfriend, and spark that reaction. It can be done. It ain't easy, though.


When she already has the OM trump card in her back pocket
and you have no knowledge of said card... nothing can be done.

I had competition and knew nothing about it. All those times she
was so angry with me and I didn't understand why.... now I do.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Exactly! I toured with several major rock bands. If anything turning "opportunity" down makes (in my case) men, try harder. I never crossed the line.
> 
> There were also mounds of drugs to be had and I never bothered, except for a bit of recreational weed in Amsterdam. But hey I had the opportunity to do heroin, I managed to decline. Hmm, must be a freak.


Getting accused/warned about cheating before I walked out
the door for a show, only to be pissed off the whole drive to
the practice space. Spend an hour tearing down my drums and
loading everything into the van. Getting to the gig on time,
spending another hour setting up and sound checking.

Sweat balls off for another hour and a half.

Another hour of tearing down my kit and loading them into
the van after the show, then off to drop them off at the practice space.

I was so exhausted after a show, if I could've clicked my heels
and been in bed with her that instant, I would've.

But I must've been doing mounds of coke and screwing 
other women.... :scratchhead:


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

sinnister said:


> It's simple. We don't get the full story here. We get one side. The jaded side. The betrayed side. The hurting and confused side.
> 
> I understand your point though. *It's just that we're incapable of seeing our own faults so it seems as though the lives we portray here are perfect. *
> 
> I for one know that I am an extremely difficult man to live with. If others had as much introspective forthcoming it would be a lot more clear why the WS cheated.


I wasn't perfect. Nobody is for that matter.

But I also never did _anything_ so bad to her
that would warrant her doing what she did.

I think with BS's, that's the main point.
With the WS's, that's their flaw.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Yeah that's true. I'm a stubborn b!tch, hate being wrong. I'm prone to intense sarcasm. I judge people based on silly thing like taste in movies...BUT he knew all that when he married me,


You're never wrong.

I love Tarentino flicks.

Wanna get married?... :rofl:


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

cantthinkstraight said:


> You're never wrong.
> 
> I love Tarentino flicks.
> 
> Wanna get married?... :rofl:


Love Tarantino and his f'ing soundtracks! The real litmus test is always...did you like Forest Gump (shallow but that piece of crap stole Q.T's Oscar!)

And David Fincher is a God! Don't start me thread jacking. Too late... Should I rant about Nickleback now?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> Love Tarantino and his f'ing soundtracks! The real litmus test is always...did you like Forest Gump (shallow but that piece of crap stole Q.T's Oscar!)
> 
> And David Fincher is a God! Don't start me thread jacking. Too late... *Should I rant about Nickleback now?*


YES! I love them too! :rofl:


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## eyjdkdyqing (Dec 27, 2013)

The choice to cheat was on the one who cheated.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

sinnister said:


> It's simple. We don't get the full story here. We get one side. The jaded side. The betrayed side. The hurting and confused side.
> 
> I understand your point though. It's just that we're incapable of seeing our own faults so it seems as though the lives we portray here are perfect.


I take a certain amount of umbrage with this. In my original post a year ago, I admitted I was not the perfect husband, but seriously who is?

I can tell you exactly why my EX wife cheated. She wanted the attention and loved it. She loved the way it made her feel and she got deeper and deeper into it because she didn't see the ride she was on was going to take her right into a brick wall.

I was not a perfect husband. I could have improved myself in many ways, but they could have easily been talked about or dealt with. She cheated because she damn well wanted to and it is really that simple. She never thought about what could really happen when it all came tumbling down.


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## littlesweetling (Feb 16, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


Sad as it may sound, for my husband it was just simple because he could. He felt like life owed it to him and he was afraid he might be missing something having only been with me as a lover.


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## daveca (Jan 14, 2014)

Daisy10 said:


> I see some of the BS's on here and they are so lovely. I just don't get. :scratchhead: I don't get why their spouse would cheat on them. It's baffling. Are they just bored? Can someone enlighten me?


Hi Daisy. I've seen that question frequently asked and the answer is really quite obvious. What is cheating about? It's about sex. That's the answer.

When a man cheats the wife invariably says the sex was good at home, she never refused him, she wasn't a prude, etc, etc. But sex isn't just about "going along". It's about showing desire. It's about initiating it. 

The man and woman having the affair are jumping all over each other. They are both into it, if you will, and that so often disappears in a marriage. 

Last summer, after being married over 15 year, I was cutting the lawn one Saturday morning and I noticed my wife standing in the garage in her housecoat. (The garage is in the basement of the house.) I thought perhaps there was a phone call for me and she didn't want to come out in case the neighbors saw what she was wearing so I shut off the lawn mower and went to see what she wanted. 

She said, "I'm going to have a shower. Do you want to join me?"

Simple. Straight forward. No big deal. No big plan. Just asking if I want to join her for a shower. Do you know I'll never forget that! Something so simple and yet so memorable, so beautiful, so enjoyable. Obviously sex followed. 

Something like that is all it takes but how many wives do that? 

A few weeks ago my wife rented a rustic, one room cabin for a night. There was a central lodge for meals and a number of cabins spaced out. It had a big wood burning fireplace and the bed was upstairs in the attic/loft. 

It had electric heat but no TV, radio, phone. One light bulb for each room. A bathroom with a shower. 

We sat around the fire and chatted as the lighting was too poor to read properly. No TV, computer....What is a couple to do????

It wasn't any more expensive than taking a hotel in the city but it offered an atmosphere conducive to lovemaking. No distractions. 

That's what it's about. People having affairs are not shopping or going to a movie or anything else but concentrating on each other. It's not even so much about kinky stuff. It's just about showing your partner you want them sexually. 

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to fully explain for you and others who may be reading here. Especially others who have a feeling their marriage is slipping away. If my post helps avoid just one affair it will be well worth it.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

In my case, I thought it was because my husband was a bit spoiled. Kinda a "momma's boy", but then i realized he had the habit of not finishing things.

He just never finished a task. Failed the CPA test and never retried, painted a room but never completed the trim or put tools away.

Soooo many unfinished plans and projects. Our marriage was just one of those tasks I believe. Just got bored, or whatever, and went to do something, or in this case, someone, else.

I on the other hand, I see what I start through to the end. Not that I would stay married but I would take the trouble to work on things or agree to divorce.

You always hear we are a "disposable society" and that is very true as far as relationships go. 

My husband liked the perfect family picture he had. Wife, kids, home, family. He was just "Mr. Nice Guy", Mr. Family Man". He very muched loved his image but was, for lack of a better wored, tired or bored of me. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

My husband always made sure his needs were met first. He never once made a sacrifice where he was uncomfortable. That's the spoiled part I was originally referring to. The rest was boredom of the "task" and cake eating to protect his "Great Guy" image.

My $.02


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Because some people suck - figuratively and literally. It will never, ever change.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I think a lot of cheaters are malcontents as well. Nothing will ever make them happy - long term anyway.

They are often self destructive, have low self esteem/self worth, and will categorically destroy something good - or make something that is largely good into something terrible. 

My stbxw did that. She rewrote history and made it out like our marriage was this horrible thing for so long. Of course in retrospect, she sees she in fact did have it pretty ****ing good. She sees I was a good man, a good husband, a good father. And now she is full of regret and lives a cold, lonely life. The OM threw her away (like she did me) and now she's had a string of *********s come in and out of her life, and she yearns for her old life back. Sadly for her, she'll never, ever get it back.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Headspin said:


> Hahaha me too, must be the rock and roll thread!
> I've also toured around as a pro musician and I thought I was the wierd one. I always managed to find an excuse to get away from the drugs and a stupid amount of woman throwing themselves at you.
> 
> I never went there and I know people thought I was a rare breed but I never found it difficult.
> ...


Another pro musician here. Tons of opportunities - I never cheated. My cheating stbxw was/is a waitress and in much the same environment. We both had a lot of opportunities in a ripe environment. Only one of us cheated.

Now I'm divorcing her and in the same environment - and I've taken a few of the opportunities, but I find it rather icky and I have no real interest in it, just like I didn't when I was with my wife.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> Love Tarantino and his f'ing soundtracks! The real litmus test is always...did you like Forest Gump (shallow but that piece of crap stole Q.T's Oscar!)
> 
> And David Fincher is a God! Don't start me thread jacking. Too late... Should I rant about Nickleback now?


Just rewatched Zodiac last night. Love Fincher. Nickleback....ugh - makes me ashamed to be Canadian. cantthinkstraight - you may have some competition. Battle of the bands?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Healer said:


> Just rewatched Zodiac last night. Love Fincher. Nickleback....ugh - makes me ashamed to be Canadian. cantthinkstraight - you may have some competition. Battle of the bands?


I've seen a million faces... and I've rocked them ALL.


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