# don't know how to rekindle the passion



## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Hi, I am new here, and thankful to have found such a caring and mature forum!

This is my story:

My guy and I have been together for almost 19 years, and together we have a 17 year old son. Our life has been very stressful especially the first 15 years of it. Our son was born with a rare defect, which was stressful in itself, but we also had tough financial issues as well. During the first 15 years of our lives together we were more concern about survival than we were about anything else. Needless to say our sexual intimacy was put on the back burner, something we dabbled in every now and again when we could. We always maintained a very loving, and supportive relationship.

Over the last 4 years our lives got a lot better. Our son is thriving as a teenager, and financially we are holding our own. Unfortunately, our sex life is still suffering, over the past 2 years we had sex 3 times. We make sure we do weekly activities together, such as golf, we hug and cuddle a lot, and have wonderful, insightful conversations, overall a very good relationship. When it comes to trying to have sex, it is very rarely successful, either I, or my guy, cannot get into the moment at the same time. It rarely feels right to me, I think mainly because we are so used to living without it in our lives, now it is foreign. I’ve noticed in the past few months it rarely comes up in conversations, he does not bring it up, and I try to avoid the issue, mainly because I am embarrassed by it! I would love to have that electricity and passion back into my life; I just don’t have a clue on how to create it again.

Unfortunately, we live in a rural area, counseling is not very feasible.

I am anxious to hear any insights and ideas on this.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi MEM,

Welcome to the forum! I am thankful to have found it too. I am so glad to hear that your son is now thriving. How do you feel about the sex when you do have it? Do you enjoy it? Do you think positively about it the next day? If so, I would think the first step would be to work on getting over your embarrassment in talking about it. You seem to have a great marriage otherwise, so I'm fairly certain any conversation in this area will be well-received by your husband. I am 45 and up until a year ago or so was also very embarrassed even watching movies with sex scenes much less talk about it, but at one point I decided it was a big problem within our marriage and I just forced myself to open up w/o worrying about the fallout...Well, it was like opening pandora's box because my husband sensed my awkwardness and responded by not discussing sex either so once that door opened it just snow-balled from there...When I think back to then and now, it's amazing what we are able to share with one another. I started slowly...bought a Cosmo magazine and read it next to him in bed..when I saw something that made me curious I'd say 'would you like that?'


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Thank you Swedish for sharing your story. I already feel much better knowing I am not alone in this.

I do enjoy sex with my husband when we do have it. I will try the cosmo magazine, and keep you posted.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You're welcome. I hope you get some ideas from others in here, particularly a man's perspective on women shy in the area of sex, because I'm sure there are a number of ways to address this and my way was well within my comfort zone to start with and moved up slowly from there. One hurdle I have overcome is the fear of initiating and then feeling like an idiot if he's not in the mood...it's good to know what that feels like so I am fully aware of what he feels if I were to say not in the mood...we are now in a place where neither of us feels lacking in the sex department so it's become a non-issue...and now that we are open there are days that I just do something for him and he never realized that I won't become frustrated by that...so the more you know how the other one ticks, the better things become.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Thank you again swedish for your insight, it is so refreshing to have a place where I can talk about this, and get good feed back.

I congratulate you on overcoming this in your own relationship!

One of the reasons why the cosmo idea really appealed to me was that it would open up the door to talk about sex itself, and maybe get both of our juices going. We had conversations in the past about our sex life (lack of sex) but i have never actually, ever talk about sex to anyone, ever! Another reason the cosmo idea appealed to me was that I could go about it at my pace.

I am a little concerned about being rejected, but i feel it is a risk I want to take. Doing nothing is not solving any problems.

Yes, i agree it would be nice to have a male's perspective.

Thanks again


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Well. I’ll throw my hat in here. One way to approach this might be that when you kiss him good-bye in the morning for what ever your day brings you, linger in the kiss for just a bit longer, catch his eye and say something like “we’ll bookmark that for now” or whatever feels comfortable. Let him know you have some intentions for the evening. Let him stew on it and if it works with your style, send him an email or text during the day with a little mystery or double meaning. When you are both at home, don’t overdue with candles and wine, just let the evening progress and make frequent eye contact with him. Let him know your interest but don’t let pressure build up either. Don’t fear rejection. I’ve spent 25 years in sales. Rejection doesn’t mean a rejection of me just a rejection of the circumstances. If it doesn’t work, think of what seems to have interested him, and what didn’t. Regroup and try a little different approach. What is the worst that could happen? He rejects the situation again, not you. If after a few tries it still isn’t working then speak frankly with him and let him know you desire him and want this part of your relationship to improve. Say, I’ve tried this, this and this but it doesn’t seem to help. What else might I do that will help us be more intimate? Openly talking about sex can be awkward at times but it can also be a lot of fun and open up a new direction for you both. Good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ok this might sound really funny but I learned how to 'talk dirty' by watching porn and listening to what the girls were saying. Plus i got a couple of books. I was embarrassed to come out and say it so i started by texting him. I would start off with something little and see how he responded. 

I know the rejection part can be scary. but try not to think of it as rejection if he doesnt respond. just think of it as you hit the wrong button. you just gotten find the right button.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Be open. Start getting comfortable with the concept of more active or playful sex, instead of going right for the act.
Ask your husband to talk about a memorable session, something that he likes, what he believes you like, or share a fantasy.

I think the best way to open the door is by talking about it. It's like putting kindling on the fire, and working your way up to a blaze.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

MEM said:


> Hi, I am new here, and thankful to have found such a caring and mature forum!
> 
> This is my story:
> 
> ...


Oh, I can't help you without talking sexy, so I will try to watch what I say. Set the room up in a romantic way, it doesn't always has to be the guy that does this. What was it (when you did make love) that your husband liked? Do it again.  Dress sexy for him. Have your favorite song playing, or romantic song choice. If this doesn't work, go talk it out with someone, but you need to get your closeness back, hun. God luck to you !  Sorry, I have to watch what I say, because of the rules here, so I am not sure what I can say and what I can't. :scratchhead:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> I’ve spent 25 years in sales. Rejection doesn’t mean a rejection of me just a rejection of the circumstances.


This makes a lot of sense...I'll have to remember this.


ljtseng said:


> OI was embarrassed to come out and say it so i started by texting him. I would start off with something little and see how he responded.


I have used email/text myself and it's a great idea for us shy types. I am a very lame texter (unlike my teenagers) and what's funny is my phone remembers words I type so the next time I start to type these words I've used before pop up...I was thinking I better not let my kids near my cell phone now 


Deejo said:


> Ask your husband to talk about a memorable session, something that he likes, what he believes you like, or share a fantasy.


This has definitely worked for us...took a little time for me to get comfortable with sharing this with him (part of it was the fear that once we shared these things the expectation would be there) so I took care in how I approached this so that it was comfortable for me..ie I have this fantasy, but would never want to make it a reality it's fine as a fantasy...he actually took some of this talk and incorporated it without me getting out of my comfort zone. He gets an A+ for creativity


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Here's a subtle one...buy yourself some new underwear...doesn't have to be over the top but maybe something lacy that makes you feel sexy wearing it and give him a peek when you are getting ready for bed...he may have conditioned himself not to respond so don't get discouraged by his reaction...he probably notices


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

thanks everyone for all the great ideas. Amp. I really like what you said about rejection, that it is more of rejection of circumstance than me. I will keep that in mind.

Last night was kinda neat, no we did not have sex, but I felt flirty and sexy for the first time in years! All we did was watch a dvd, but some how the tone between us was different. It almost seems like my guy is picking up on the "sex" vibe. After reading the post, I am genuinely excited about what could happen next.

Thanks again to everyone that has contributed, I appreciate how candid and honest you all seem to be.

I will keep you posted.


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

swedish said:


> Here's a subtle one...buy yourself some new underwear...doesn't have to be over the top but maybe something lacy that makes you feel sexy wearing it and give him a peek when you are getting ready for bed...he may have conditioned himself not to respond so don't get discouraged by his reaction...he probably notices


 If he doesn't suffer from







he will notice her.


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

I have found if I do sweet things for him. Research and find new things to do. For instance different ways to kiss etc. Good ways to give him a message. He does it for me too. It turns me on and makes him happy. We have gotten out of our rut. He says it is like when we first got married. I say it is better.


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