# One of the hardest days of my entire life....and it feels strange no one disagrees with me



## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Hi,
Not a new member here but this is my first post. In the past 48 hours, I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

In a nutshell, I won't post any of the details of my pending divorce from my STBXW, but it has been a strange hot/cold situation with her for the last 8 months. That is a story for another day, but where our relationship gets unique, is she had a daughter from a previous relationship, and I a son, both the same age. We were together for 11 years and our children have known nothing else but each other to be siblings. To many it looked like the perfect blended family, but this year my wife decided otherwise. Where this gets complicated is I adopted her daughter 2 years ago, so she is legally my daughter (her biological father is no longer). She calls me "dad" and I have been the Father figure in her life since she was 2. I always had challenges with her Mother on how to raise her; it was always frustrating for me as my son is the straight A/B student, good athlete, every adult loves him child, and she was the one who got mediocre grades (though she is quite smart), not a strong athlete (though she has found her niche in 1 activity), and is constantly getting in trouble every year at school, and at home (these are not their own qualities, just using them as points). Where my ex and I differ is I always tried to hold my daughter accountable for her actions, where as my ex would blame everyone else (teachers, coaches, other adults, etc.), to the point she would say things like "what am I going to do with you" when our daughter did something wrong. I became very frustrated with this over the years, because I attempted to treat both children equally, but any attempts by me to discipline our daughter, was met with my ex privately telling her that "I only "yelled" at her because she is a girl" or "Dad loves XXX more than me", and comments of such nature, or my ex would give me some inaccurate psycho-babble nonsense that actually hasn't been proven in the real world of psychology. But I obliged, despite protests, because at times I felt I was making headways. When my ex left, our daughter went back and forth between our places, and eventually started staying with me more frequently than her mother. While there were some complications in approach and communications, it seemed that this was actually bringing my daughter and my relationship closer and closer. I finally felt like I was truly connecting with her and all summer we had a great relationship brewing. Then over Labor Day weekend, she came home very late, and lied to me, so I told her she would be grounded. She told me she was "going to call mom", and long behold, my ex came to the house and picked her up at 1:30 AM to take her with her (we don't have a formal custody arrangement at this time). Since then, she has stayed with my ex and hasn't spent a night here, but she is dropped off and picked up every day for school at the house; plus she hangs out with the neighborhood children so I would still see her from time to time when she would stop by the house (her mother literally moved in an apt. complex right across from our neighborhood). 
So I have noticed our daughter's behavior getting worse and worse lately, which I am sure is compounded by the stress of starting high school while her parents are going through a divorce. She took our separation harder than my son, mostly because she clearly was seeing our family growing and was devastated by her mother's decision to rip it apart. It was even more confusing because at the time we separated, it seemed things were going really well between my ex and me, so it was quite confusing to our daughter.

Now, where this all comes to a head is this week. We have a dog that she loves, but also is at times pretty abusive with (doesn't respect his boundaries, smothers him, drags him around, forces him to do things he doesn't want to do), and it has escalated in recent weeks. He has bitten her numerous times, and she is the only one he bites. I had to take her to the ER in late August because of him biting her, so presumably any future bites will result in him being put down, but also she keeps coming at him making him defensive. He is a rescue dog and great with everyone else, but because of his trauma background, certain boundaries must be maintained. So a few days ago, she was outside with the dog and I saw her swinging the leash at him tauntingly, and he was flinching in fear of being hit. In the past I've seen her hit him with the leash, so I went outside and told her the dog must come in the house. She started barking contradictory orders at the dog. At this point, she became quite hostile and then threatened me with a "restraining order". Normally I would laugh such a thing off, but given the heightened environment of the world, and the my wife has recently screamed at me for hours on end, then accused me of being emotionally abusive, I did not want to take this lightly. After some back and forth between the 2 of us, she raised this same comment to me. So I informed my ex of what occurred and said nothing further. After considering what occurred, it became a realization that she can no longer stay with me, not at least until emotions died down. I consulted my attorney, my therapist, my family, my friends, and my neighbors, and everyone said that I must cut contact with her immediately and she needs to stay with my ex to prevent false accusations. My attorney, my therapist, and my Mom all highlighted this could lead to a potential PFA accusation by my ex, which given recent "emotional abuse" threats, could not take lightly. So on Friday I had to make the difficult decision of informing my ex that I had to cut contact with our daughter and cannot be in a one-on-one/alone situation with her. What was hard was that I could not tell my daughter myself, and I had to watch her get off the school bus and have my ex force her into her car and leave with her. I know in my heart this was probably the right thing to do, but I feel like the worst parent ever. This is a child whose own father abandoned her (though now I do wonder if my ex forced him out), both grandfathers have become absent or creeps, so I am the only male figure in her life. But I cannot undo what my wife has done over the years. It's become exhausting fielding questions/comments from parents and community members and family about her behavior, and some of the things she's been involved in are quite concerning (stealing, internet scandals, treating others like garbage, etc.), so this is basically my hail mary to hope she sees the severity of her words and actions. It may seem extreme, but when she was 4 or 5, she accused her bio dad of touching her inappropriately to the point that my ex took him to court over it (accused me too but my wife wouldn't believe her), so I could not afford any chances here, knowing the games my ex may play. It's tearing me apart, but I had limited options. I love her so very dearly and worry about her every day. Every negative story I hear about her, I get more and more concerned. I am worried she will be "that girl" in high school, and my ex won't give a crap, and I can't stop it. She snapped my son the other night and said "I guess we aren't siblings anymore", and he said "I guess not", and then she proceeded to call me crazy. Watching my family die has stunk, but potentially losing my relationship with a girl I love as if she were my own blood kills me inside, but I have my hands tied in what I can to try and guide her correctly. Even worse, I was heavily involved in her one activity, and now it looks like I am just disappearing on a whim. 

I know this is a very long post, but I am struggling with this and even though everyone in my orbit is telling me this was the right move, it just feels so wrong. I love that kid with all my heart, blood or no blood, but unlike my ex who just cut my son out of her life, I can't realistically do that to my daughter.

Am I crazy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, you are not crazy. You have consulted with everyone it seems to include your lawyer, etc. You have to do what you have to do.

One thing you might be able to do is to set up supervised visitations with your daughter. You might even be able to set up counseling sessions with her where you can talk about why you felt you had to make this decision and that you hope that someday things will get better.

Divorce is very hard on children. Add to it the games your soon-to-be-ex (STBX) is pulling, and it gets pretty bad as you have learned. 

We had problem with my stepchildren, they were stepdaughter age 10 and stepson age 12 when I married their father. I have a son who was 10 at the time. Their mother did not want custody of them, but she made sure that she caused all sorts of problems in our home. It was hard on the children... on all of us. So, I have some experience with a similar situation and understand some of the heartache you are going through.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

What a nightmare. I’m sorry you find yourself in the middle of it. You sound like a great dad. It’s unimaginable that your wife did not see this, appreciate this and respect this, but we know there’s just so many broken people out there. You’re not crazy. The fact that this is killing you just goes to show that you’re a dad that loves his kiddo, even when she’s a wayward kiddo. Unfortunately, she is a product of her mother’s actions. I don’t know why it’s so damn difficult to counter bad with good, but it so rarely sticks. The bad influences almost always seem to be the ones that stick. It’s maddening. You’ve done the right thing. You must protect yourself from what you know will put you at risk. She (daughter) is not having a conscience right now, and that makes her a threat to you, backed by a crazy mom who you know will escalate things even though she knows they’re not true. This is how these people continue to behave. I have no words of wisdom but I believe wholeheartedly this is the only choice you can make right now. Daughter will either repeat moms life herself, or she will have an awakening someday and come back to you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I hope you take the dog with you when you go because it shouldn't have to be subjected to her.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> No, you are not crazy.


Agreed.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I hope you take the dog with you when you go because it shouldn't have to be subjected to her.


Right. That is very concerning behavior, and the poor dog. I’d probably at least contact her guidance counselor since it’s doubtful mom cares about this, but that’s so far from normal and it needs to be addressed. This girl is on downward spiral and she’s looking to take others with her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Teacherwifemom said:


> Right. That is very concerning behavior, and the poor dog. I’d probably at least contact her guidance counselor since it’s doubtful mom cares about this, but that’s so far from normal and it needs to be addressed. This girl is on downward spiral and she’s looking to take others with her.


If the family wouldn't let him take it he should contact animal control and explain the situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you maybe have your daughter with you and maybe your mum or another family member a couple of days a month? As long as another adult is present there shouldn't be any danger of false accusations and it will mean she doesn't feel that another father has abandoned her? She is clearly deeply unhappy and disturbed already.
Plus as others have said make sure that she no longer lives in the same house as the poor dog. He will end up being PTS due to her actions otherwise. Even if you have to find another nice home its preferable to being tormented.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I hope you take the dog with you when you go because it shouldn't have to be subjected to her.


This x 1000

What a heart breaking story all around, OP. I’ve read quite a few sad stories on here but I cried reading yours. I don’t have advice really, just prayers that you can find your way out of this in a peaceful way. As much as possible considering with what you’re dealing with. But, your sweet dog doesn’t deserve to be put down so please don’t consider that an option. 😢


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Children who torture animals and lesser creatures often grow up to be dangerous citizens.

She may have genetically inherited her mothers and/or her biological fathers mental problems.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Annonymous Joe 

Does the dog live in your home?


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

You're not crazy. Your gut feeling is there to protect you. Given her history and how she treats others and the dog, you are making the right decisions. Also as you said yourself, her mom will blame everyone else other than the daughter for her behavior so you don't need that added to your list of troubles.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you to protect yourself. It'd be helpful if you could get the threat on there.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Couple of things to clarify; she is not torturing the dog, it's more of a disrespecting boundary issue and being invasive to his personal space, forcing him to accommodate her neediness when he's resting, and now I've seen her hitting him with leash in an effort to encourage him to participate in some training she was doing with him. But she has definitely escalated her aggressiveness with him since my ex left. Before she left, we both would tell her that smothering the dog was not respecting his boundaries, however, the mother did the same thing to the point the dog would run away and hide next to me. He's just jumpy by nature, and was clearly beaten by whomever his first owners were (he was found abandoned), but once he starts biting, that's when it should be clear the behavior needs to stop, but my daughter doesn't, she just keeps going after him, and I'm worried that he would bite her again, even playfully, that could lead to stitches again. He isn't going to be put down, but my concern is that he could be forced to by the county if he bit someone else, or even her again, because the county now has it on file that he's bitten a house member since she had to go to the ER. 

To address another comment, I do have the dog. Her mother left and I am the sole adult caretaker of the dog (I say adult because both children did help when they are here). 
The reality is the dog issue is sort of a side note to me right now, because I can handle that, I was more struggling with the decision to tell her mother that she cannot be in this house or one-on-one with me now given the recent threats of legal action. My first divorce got pretty nasty, and PFAs were submitted, but withdrawn, though we are now friendly with each other and she has since admitted she struggled with severe depression at the time. In this situation, my STBXW is an attorney so she knows the legal system, and she is pulling some very sketchy antics; once the daughter threw out the term "restraining order", I couldn't tell if she got that from her mother, the internet, friends, or whatever, but right now I cannot afford any chances. The upside is I have been an active member of this community for about a decade (coaching, scout leader, sitting on boards, etc.) so a lot of parents and children know who I am; eyes and ears are everywhere. Because of this, I get a lot of feedback from people who care about her sharing with me what they see and hear. It's just hard because I can see her potential, and I'm worried it will get wasted by the actions of a wayward youth.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Can you maybe have your daughter with you and maybe your mum or another family member a couple of days a month? As long as another adult is present there shouldn't be any danger of false accusations and it will mean she doesn't feel that another father has abandoned her? She is clearly deeply unhappy and disturbed already.
> Plus as others have said make sure that she no longer lives in the same house as the poor dog. He will end up being PTS due to her actions otherwise. Even if you have to find another nice home its preferable to being tormented.


To be clear, the dog is going nowhere. She isn't really torturing it, more disrespecting boundaries. I replied elsewhere to further explain. I do hope that when the emotions and dust of the recent event die down, we can reconnect and smooth things over. Right now everything is pretty raw and given her mother's behavior I need to be in full protection mode. The thing is, my daughter is aware of her struggles. Her and I have had some really candid conversations over the past few months, she even has admitted she believes "she has what mom has" (which no one really knows what that is yet, just all assumptions), and I have made more than 1 suggestion to have both kids placed in therapy, but my STBXW disagreed with me on that. I have a feeling that may have been partly why my daughter's biological dad bounced from the picture, because at first, he was fighting for time with her, then just backed off. Since it's now apparent my STBXW lies a lot, I'm sure there is more in the background of that story than I will ever be truly told, and now I'm starting to see similar patterns directed towards me, so I do not want to be trapped in a similar situation, but I don't want to lose connection with my daughter.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> What a nightmare. I’m sorry you find yourself in the middle of it. You sound like a great dad. It’s unimaginable that your wife did not see this, appreciate this and respect this, but we know there’s just so many broken people out there. You’re not crazy. The fact that this is killing you just goes to show that you’re a dad that loves his kiddo, even when she’s a wayward kiddo. Unfortunately, she is a product of her mother’s actions. I don’t know why it’s so damn difficult to counter bad with good, but it so rarely sticks. The bad influences almost always seem to be the ones that stick. It’s maddening. You’ve done the right thing. You must protect yourself from what you know will put you at risk. She (daughter) is not having a conscience right now, and that makes her a threat to you, backed by a crazy mom who you know will escalate things even though she knows they’re not true. This is how these people continue to behave. I have no words of wisdom but I believe wholeheartedly this is the only choice you can make right now. Daughter will either repeat moms life herself, or she will have an awakening someday and come back to you.


She did, apparently. She gave the daughter the old "he's a great dad, but not a great husband" speech, though when she asks for my opinion on matters that involve discipline or guidance, she immediately wants to fight with me or disagree with me. So who really knows what she thinks anymore. Teens are tough. We all were tough as teens. I know I was. But this environment only adds to that guilt, shame, impulsiveness, and it worries me more and more each day.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> No, you are not crazy. You have consulted with everyone it seems to include your lawyer, etc. You have to do what you have to do.
> 
> One thing you might be able to do is to set up supervised visitations with your daughter. You might even be able to set up counseling sessions with her where you can talk about why you felt you had to make this decision and that you hope that someday things will get better.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. Hope you were able to get to the other side stronger.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


DownByTheRiver said:



I hope you take the dog with you when you go because it shouldn't have to be subjected to her.

Click to expand...

*The dog is my concern as well.

*



She isn't really torturing it, more disrespecting boundaries.

Click to expand...

*I respectfully disagree. She knows exactly what she's doing, knowing full well the dog will be put down if it keeps biting her. Nice kid.

Try not to get too sucked up into the crazy.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The dog is my concern as well.
> 
> 
> I respectfully disagree. She knows exactly what she's doing, knowing full well the dog will be put down if it keeps biting her. Nice kid.
> ...


That's fair. And I do wonder that. But in the age of Snapchat, and social media, a lot of what she does too I think is for online attention, plus some of the acrobatics she has taught the dog has captured the attention of the neighborhood, so she is loving the attention she receives from seeing the really cool stuff she has actually taught him to do, but I do also believe she confuses being borderline abusive with the dog as being commanding so he obeys. She rides horses, so she has to be really stern with those animals in order to keep them from stampeding people, and I believe she may be confused as to how that translates into training a dog. As a human being, she is just excessively clingy with everything. She does seem to love the dog, she really does/did a lot for him (baths, brushing him, feeding him), seeing what I see, it truly is a boundary issue. I also don't want her getting mauled either and getting seriously hurt, because the first time he got her was in the face and she had to get stitches. The last time was on the wrist and was pretty nasty but no stitches were needed. I want everyone to be protected and if that means separation, so be it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The girls actions toward the dog show that the girl has a lack of empathy and that's a serious problem for which she needs to at least get in therapy. And the dog needs to be off-limits to her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Could you, in conjunction with the lawyers, write her a letter explaining WHY you will not be seeing her alone?
That you love her but due to the divorce, you don't want her being put in the middle of things.
I think the supervised visit might be good also...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

you Are not a white knight.
You can’t fix your wife or her daughter. 
you’re getting a divorce and yes, you’re getting divorced from your daughter as well.

Considering the allegations your daughter (your wife’s daughter) has brought in the past about “touching her”, and the restraining order bs she’s mentioned, and the fact that she clearly has tendencies to be vindictive——

Yes, you are crazy to even consider allowing her in your home or attempting to be her parent. Just stop trying to be the white knight and move on with your life. This girl could even harm your son with her allegations.
Realize that if she gets you put in jail over false allegations (happens regularly) you can’t even support your son.

You are better off accepting reality and getting these two out of your life. I’m sorry. But you need the plain truth.


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> you Are not a white knight.
> You can’t fix your wife or her daughter.
> you’re getting a divorce and yes, you’re getting divorced from your daughter as well.


Pay attention to this, OP.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Annonymous Joe said:


> Hi,
> Not a new member here but this is my first post. In the past 48 hours, I did one of the hardest things I ever had to do.
> 
> In a nutshell, I won't post any of the details of my pending divorce from my STBXW, but it has been a strange hot/cold situation with her for the last 8 months. That is a story for another day, but where our relationship gets unique, is she had a daughter from a previous relationship, and I a son, both the same age. We were together for 11 years and our children have known nothing else but each other to be siblings. To many it looked like the perfect blended family, but this year my wife decided otherwise. Where this gets complicated is I adopted her daughter 2 years ago, so she is legally my daughter (her biological father is no longer). She calls me "dad" and I have been the Father figure in her life since she was 2. I always had challenges with her Mother on how to raise her; it was always frustrating for me as my son is the straight A/B student, good athlete, every adult loves him child, and she was the one who got mediocre grades (though she is quite smart), not a strong athlete (though she has found her niche in 1 activity), and is constantly getting in trouble every year at school, and at home (these are not their own qualities, just using them as points). Where my ex and I differ is I always tried to hold my daughter accountable for her actions, where as my ex would blame everyone else (teachers, coaches, other adults, etc.), to the point she would say things like "what am I going to do with you" when our daughter did something wrong. I became very frustrated with this over the years, because I attempted to treat both children equally, but any attempts by me to discipline our daughter, was met with my ex privately telling her that "I only "yelled" at her because she is a girl" or "Dad loves XXX more than me", and comments of such nature, or my ex would give me some inaccurate psycho-babble nonsense that actually hasn't been proven in the real world of psychology. But I obliged, despite protests, because at times I felt I was making headways. When my ex left, our daughter went back and forth between our places, and eventually started staying with me more frequently than her mother. While there were some complications in approach and communications, it seemed that this was actually bringing my daughter and my relationship closer and closer. I finally felt like I was truly connecting with her and all summer we had a great relationship brewing. Then over Labor Day weekend, she came home very late, and lied to me, so I told her she would be grounded. She told me she was "going to call mom", and long behold, my ex came to the house and picked her up at 1:30 AM to take her with her (we don't have a formal custody arrangement at this time). Since then, she has stayed with my ex and hasn't spent a night here, but she is dropped off and picked up every day for school at the house; plus she hangs out with the neighborhood children so I would still see her from time to time when she would stop by the house (her mother literally moved in an apt. complex right across from our neighborhood).
> ...


You're not crazy you're in an impossible position. Your daughter obviously has some issues going on and should probably be in therapy. Teenagers are not rational most of the time when emotions are involved. I have a 14yo girl and she can be the sweetest kid in the world one day and the deranged spawn of satan the next day. If your stbx enables her behavior there is not going to be much you can do. 

I will add this little bit to keep in mind. My wife's best friend from college is a nationally known cognitive psychotherapist who has written multiple books on child development, is a regular on the Today show, and is an expert on family dynamics. We were with her at a wedding a few months ago and we were talking about our daughter. My wife was talking about how our daughter is especially mean and rude to her specifically, (I walk on water to my daughter, most of the time). What this friend explained to my wife was teen girls typically act out because they are separating from their parents, They are beginning to form their own identity and this is a typical time where kids, especially girls, rebel. Now come the important point she made that was a big revelation for my wife. She explained the person who is on the receiving end of the teens borderline abusive behavior is most often the person the teen trust the most. It's the person the teen feels will always be there for them at the end of the day no matter what. With teen girls this is most often their mothers (teen girls also usually go through a more dramatic separation from their mothers). But if their mother is not stable the father is that person. Your daughter is right at that age of beginning the separation, developing her independence, you're her stable anchor, you win the prize. The divorce happens to be the nuclear bomb that has thrown a typical developmental process into chaos. These situations are typically sort themselves out with good boundaries and discipline, your situation is especially tricky, and family therapy is probably in the best interest of your daughter. 

I think if I were you I would have a conversation with your daughter explaining her threats and actions make it hard but you love her and will always be there for her as her father. 

Good luck, parenting a 14yo girl has been the hardest part of my parenting experience to this point and we have a happy stable home life, I do not envy your situation, it's a perfect storm of bad.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Annonymous Joe said:


> At this point, she became quite hostile and then threatened me with a "restraining order". Normally I would laugh such a thing off, but given the heightened environment of the world, and the my wife has recently screamed at me for hours on end, then accused me of being emotionally abusive, I did not want to take this lightly. After some back and forth between the 2 of us, she raised this same comment to me. So I informed my ex of what occurred and said nothing further. After considering what occurred, it became a realization that she can no longer stay with me, not at least until emotions died down


Stop showing your hand when you are in a divorce. A threat of a restrainig order is a big deal dont laugh it off. You are in dangerous waters and dont seem to know it.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> Could you, in conjunction with the lawyers, write her a letter explaining WHY you will not be seeing her alone?
> That you love her but due to the divorce, you don't want her being put in the middle of things.
> I think the supervised visit might be good also...



Do not do this. It immediately will cause the court to appoint an attorney ad litem for the children and God only knows where this will go especially with the threat of a RO against you. Stop interacting with her as much as possible and quickly get a separation agreement (signed off by the court not you and stbxw verbally agreeing) in place


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Do not do this. It immediately will cause the court to appoint an attorney ad litem for the children and God only knows where this will go especially with the threat of a RO against you. Stop interacting with her as much as possible and quickly get a separation agreement (signed off by the court not you and stbxw verbally agreeing) in place


Interesting point. I've been told recently about getting a separation agreement, but the stbxw already filed for divorce so we are working through that.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> Stop showing your hand when you are in a divorce. A threat of a restrainig order is a big deal dont laugh it off. You are in dangerous waters and dont seem to know it.


I do know it....hence why I informed my ex that I cannot be alone with our daughter or her anymore, and why I wrote this post. Everyone in my orbit said the same thing and I wanted to make sure I'm not living in an echo chamber.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Annonymous Joe said:


> disrespecting boundary





Annonymous Joe said:


> being invasive to his personal space





Annonymous Joe said:


> forcing him to accommodate her neediness





Annonymous Joe said:


> hitting him with leash in an effort to encourage him to participate in some training s





Annonymous Joe said:


> she has definitely escalated her aggressiveness with him





Annonymous Joe said:


> clear the behavior needs to stop, but my daughter doesn't, she just keeps going after him





Annonymous Joe said:


> a lot of what she does too I think is for online attention, plus some of the acrobatics she has taught the dog has captured the attention of the neighborhood, so she is loving the attention she receives from seeing the really cool stuff she has actually taught him to do,


This kid is mentally unstable and absolutely is torturing the dog. To make it worse, she's at least partially doing it for internet attention.



Annonymous Joe said:


> "he's a great dad, but not a great husband"


Except you're NOT this kid's dad. And she's made threats against you in addition to being unstable. She's a liability. Leave her to her mother and be free.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

happyhusband0005 said:


> You're not crazy you're in an impossible position. Your daughter obviously has some issues going on and should probably be in therapy. Teenagers are not rational most of the time when emotions are involved. I have a 14yo girl and she can be the sweetest kid in the world one day and the deranged spawn of satan the next day. If your stbx enables her behavior there is not going to be much you can do.
> 
> I will add this little bit to keep in mind. My wife's best friend from college is a nationally known cognitive psychotherapist who has written multiple books on child development, is a regular on the Today show, and is an expert on family dynamics. We were with her at a wedding a few months ago and we were talking about our daughter. My wife was talking about how our daughter is especially mean and rude to her specifically, (I walk on water to my daughter, most of the time). What this friend explained to my wife was teen girls typically act out because they are separating from their parents, They are beginning to form their own identity and this is a typical time where kids, especially girls, rebel. Now come the important point she made that was a big revelation for my wife. She explained the person who is on the receiving end of the teens borderline abusive behavior is most often the person the teen trust the most. It's the person the teen feels will always be there for them at the end of the day no matter what. With teen girls this is most often their mothers (teen girls also usually go through a more dramatic separation from their mothers). But if their mother is not stable the father is that person. Your daughter is right at that age of beginning the separation, developing her independence, you're her stable anchor, you win the prize. The divorce happens to be the nuclear bomb that has thrown a typical developmental process into chaos. These situations are typically sort themselves out with good boundaries and discipline, your situation is especially tricky, and family therapy is probably in the best interest of your daughter.
> 
> ...


You actually repeated a lot of points I was aware of, but it's good to hear that my assumptions are in line with world respected psychoanalytics. Though my situation is a bit different, in that I was always seen as the trusted and stable one, but I don't have the biological connection that will always work against me, particularly when biology allows her to not only have her independence, but sets very little boundaries with her. To this point, a few months ago, my daughter was kicking my car seat and the passenger seat with my son in it, while I was driving in torrential rain on the highway, all because she didn't want to go to dinner where we were going. I told me stbxw of the incident, and she said "this is age appropriate behavior". I said to her, yes, for a 3 year old toddler, 14 year olds should not be kicking the seat of a driver without regard when the weather is awful on a highway. I know the kid needs therapy, and I may try to pull some school resources. Teenagers are tough no matter what, and it's funny, that's how my ex has become, the sweetest one day, and then satan the next....but that's story for another day.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Except you're NOT this kid's dad. And she's made threats against you in addition to being unstable. She's a liability. Leave her to her mother and be free.


MJ I think he wrote that he adopted her a few years back so indeed he is her father by court standards. He is in a bit of a minefield right now


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Annonymous Joe said:


> You actually repeated a lot of points I was aware of, but it's good to hear that my assumptions are in line with world respected psychoanalytics. Though my situation is a bit different, in that I was always seen as the trusted and stable one, but I don't have the biological connection that will always work against me, particularly when biology allows her to not only have her independence, but sets very little boundaries with her. To this point, a few months ago, my daughter was kicking my car seat and the passenger seat with my son in it, while I was driving in torrential rain on the highway, all because she didn't want to go to dinner where we were going. I told me stbxw of the incident, and she said "this is age appropriate behavior". I said to her, yes, for a 3 year old toddler, 14 year olds should not be kicking the seat of a driver without regard when the weather is awful on a highway. I know the kid needs therapy, and I may try to pull some school resources. Teenagers are tough no matter what, and it's funny, that's how my ex has become, the sweetest one day, and then satan the next....but that's story for another day.


I think your idea to use school resources is really smart, perhaps they could help your stbx see there is a bigger problem brewing and it's not just typical teenager stuff.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

He adopted her. He is her father. Not to mention he clearly loves her. He still needs to protect himself, but all these comments about not being her father are rude and insulting to adoptive parents.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Please don't let this girl near the dog ever again.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

SongoftheSouth said:


> MJ I think he wrote that he adopted her a few years back so indeed he is her father by court standards. He is in a bit of a minefield right now


Well, then I suggest he pay whatever support may be legally required while he moves on.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> He adopted her. He is her father. Not to mention he clearly loves her. He still needs to protect himself, but all these comments about not being her father are rude and insulting to adoptive parents.


This, right here. Thank you. I am trying to do everything I can, even from a distance, but I do fear her mother will now make it more than impossible for me to do so. I do need to protect myself because I'm starting to wonder if the daughter has been trained on how to set me up, even if from just watching mom's behaviors.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> MJ I think he wrote that he adopted her a few years back so indeed he is her father by court standards. He is in a bit of a minefield right now


Yes. And now it's getting even weirder ever since. Since this incident, I have basically I've been getting harassed on and off now for 2 months.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Annonymous Joe said:


> This, right here. Thank you. I am trying to do everything I can, even from a distance, but I do fear her mother will now make it more than impossible for me to do so. I do need to protect myself because I'm starting to wonder if the daughter has been trained on how to set me up, even if from just watching mom's behaviors.


SMFH....this is a disaster WAITING to happen. Would you put a Cherry Bomb in your mouth and light it ?

Stay away from both of them before you wind up in jail.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> SMFH....this is a disaster WAITING to happen. Would you put a Cherry Bomb in your mouth and light it ?
> 
> Stay away from both of them before you wind up in jail.


Yes, I know. And I have been. My attorney actually said I was his most responsive client in his 20+ years of the profession. He was impressed I immediately cut all ties without hesitation. I informed him that I have seen my STBXW play the false accusation card with her ex (I know I know, red flag, I was younger and in love) and it's clear she has been trying to set me up for quite some time, even prior to her leaving, just took me a minute to actually catch on to what she was trying to do. It's actually sad to watch because part of me thinks she educated the daughter on doing this, since she did it when she was 5. Eventually I'll get to the Divorce and Separation side of things to share my divorce story. It will make Amber Heard look like a Ellen Fitzgerald.


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## Akeath (Mar 9, 2017)

There are programs that provide places for supervised visitation, and I suggest you avail yourself of these. That way you can still spend time with your daughter while having a neutral third party to back up that nothing untoward is happening. You usually go to these places in a neutral third area, and that will keep the dog out of the picture. But I strongly suggest you try this rather than abandoning your daughter.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

OP, you need to be carrying a VAR with you everywhere... The risk is very high that your STBX or daughter will try to put you in a situation where they can make a false accusation. You can buy them at Best Buy or Amazon, just make sure it's on and in your pocket all the time until the D is over. Good luck, you don't deserve this.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

I do hope you have witness anytime you have either STXW of Adopted Daughter in your presence. And keep a audio recorder going for ALL words you have with either of them.

Men are "guilty until proven innocent" in DV or Marriage "fights." - Looking at the world from inside a cell won't help you to move forward.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

Akeath said:


> There are programs that provide places for supervised visitation, and I suggest you avail yourself of these. That way you can still spend time with your daughter while having a neutral third party to back up that nothing untoward is happening. You usually go to these places in a neutral third area, and that will keep the dog out of the picture. But I strongly suggest you try this rather than abandoning your daughter.


Thanks and I know that. It's actually something that I am considering exploring. Sadly I believe the supervised route going forward is the only option to proceed. To be clear, I am not abandoning her, I was put in a no-win situation. But her behavior has always been awful (stealing, smothering animals, lying, sneaking around, bullying other children, getting in trouble at school, etc.) and whenever I intervened, I was the bad guy because "I hated women" or because I am mean. or "I treated her differently than my son", or I didn't know what I was talking about because her mother was "so well" versed in psychology. Meanwhile, my son is a straight A student in all Honors classes, being selected for awards, and generally well liked amongst adults and peers. She on the other hand is constantly in trouble, failing classes, has developed a troubling reputation, and is missing school for unknown reasons. Am I a perfect parent? Heck no, who is? It's sad, but it's becoming abundantly clear that her mother has educated her in false accusations. I have watched how her mother plays games and now we are about to go to a support hearing after months of agreeing on splitting expenses without issue. The support was filed the next day after this incident, so this entire scenario smells of being staged in order to have this outcome. Can I prove it? Absolutely not, but seeing the immediate response, and knowing her mother pulled this crap with her biological dad, it doesn't take an MIT degree to do the math here. The worst part is if I am stuck paying all this support, my son is the one who ultimately suffers because that is money I would be putting away for his college tuition. I haven't posted my divorce situation, but that's a fun bag of tricks, and it's clear as day my ex has been trying to set me up for quite some time, and sadly she's trained the daughter to behave the same way.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> I do hope you have witness anytime you have either STXW of Adopted Daughter in your presence. And keep a audio recorder going for ALL words you have with either of them.
> 
> Men are "guilty until proven innocent" in DV or Marriage "fights." - Looking at the world from inside a cell won't help you to move forward.


I've kept my distance for 2 months. Sucks, but I don't know what they will try to pull. I was getting harassed all hours of the night by some "random" guy for a couple weeks after. I just gave some more answers to another commenter above.


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