# Help - Sexual Frusteration.



## UnicornsandLollipops (Mar 30, 2012)

I am still very much emotionally and physically attracted to my husband - but I feel he has (physically) checked out from the marriage, not emotionally though.


I have a high sex drive, and have felt that our marriage is going through a very low sexual point. I've dressed in proper ways to show interest sexually, and have "flirted" my way around him. He will act interested, however will not commit to sex.

I've done most of the play, inviting him to shower with me, point blank inviting him into the bedroom, etc. and all go for the most part with responses like, "I'm too tired...maybe another day." I've been repeatedly more denied sex than our sexual interludes which are (maybe) 1x per month. 

When we do have sex, I do the majority of the work in the bedroom. He rarely goes down on me, and I feel that when he does go down I feel pressure because I feel he doesn't like it. I wash, I douche, I shave...I do things so that I look & smell as best as I can down there. I will send sext messages, etc. but they all go without a follow through. I enjoy giving BJs to him and making I'm feel desired, in fact I love that...but what happens if it isn't reciprocated? We have the same sexual interests, but when I discovered that there are interests he has that I'm willing to explore with him, he has clammed up and won't explore them with me.


DH is taking sleep meds, and he has gained some weight in the past few months, he hasn't cut his hair in a while either...I feel like he's depressed. I'm physically attracted to him, but I would love for him to rediscover the man he used to be, and I know he is.

When I try to bring these issues up with him, he gets very defensive - no matter how polite and delicate I am and it will turn into a fight.

What can I do? I feel 100% helpless right now.

I feel alone, and hate to touch myself now. Why? I feel like if I cum I loose the desire for sex later...I'm not as revved up so I don't touch...and it ends up being this terrible cycle of sexual frusteration.

I think I'm an attractive woman, of course my body isn't the same since I've had my children...but it is weight-wise exactly when I was prepregnant. However, its night as "tight" in my stomach and butt as it used to be, but I am working on that by going to the gym and eating right.

Help?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Hey Lollipops!! Welcome.

Many people on here will sympathise with you, rightly.

I feel that what you need to do is try to find out if there is something that is causing your husband to lose interest in you, life etc.
Would he be interested in having a blood test? He may have a testosterone problem...he may be on the verge of becoming diabetic....something.
I'm afraid you also need to keep in the back of your mind that he may simply have gone off YOU.
However, if he has let himself 'go' a bit - long hair, weight gain, general depression etc, I don't think you or indeed another woman is to blame.

Get him checked over...

Good luck!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Lollipops,

7737 is right about getting hubby to an MD first.

I would also add that he could be harboring some resentment toward you. 

One of the things you need to do (as hard as this sounds) is back off in the sex area. Stop with what he likes (BJs) since he's unwilling to reciprecate.


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## UnicornsandLollipops (Mar 30, 2012)

I would also like to add that we had a conversation a few weeks ago, and it may or may not be relevant to what is going on now. Maybe someone here could help?
He said that he feels he is fighting against his domestication, and he wants a motorcycle...he loves me, and he loves our children. But he doesn't like the domestication.
Maybe he means the responsibility? At least thats what I thought. I told him that I dont "like" being responsible either, but we have to be for the sake of our children. Being accountable sucks, especially when we both were irresponsible as kids.

I enjoy being married and having our family, its actually calmed me down, and made me a better person...but I feel now, maybe he doesn't want this? Maybe he likes the comfort of having us all under one roof, but I feel like he is saying he is "trapped".

I don't feel he is getting "it" somewhere else...we've spoken at great lengths about cheating, etc. and we would no sooner leave eachother first.
I don't even know how I should ingest all of this, when we have a family.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

UnicornsandLollipops said:


> He said that he feels he is fighting against his domestication, and he wants a motorcycle...he loves me, and he loves our children. But he doesn't like the domestication.


So let him go. Tell him you won't try to keep him. Tell him if he doesn't want to be domesticated then you won't force him but you refuse to live like this anymore. 

With love in your heart tell him to go get that motorcycle and wish him well with his new life.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

First of all, let me say I wish you were my wife. That said...

This is a tough one. I think the majority of men as well as a lot of women go through a period like this. The ol' "Is this all there is to life?" question. I think guys tend to get "bored" with the same old day-in day-out routine (more so than women). I know we're not animals but think about it...the male species is wired to reproduce...move around, etc. While the females are more domesticated.

Maybe if you sort of "started over" with him? Like you were new friends moving into a relationship? Dates...kissing....surprises....? You have to do this outside of the home and away from the kids. A weekend alone...a walk on the beach or lakeshore? It may take awhile but hopefully you can bring him back around.

I bought a motorcycle when I was 44. Got a tattoo also. Loved every minute of it. My wife never objected and that made it that much more fun.

Good luck!


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## UnicornsandLollipops (Mar 30, 2012)

Thank you, that made me smile...and thank you to everyone who is wonderful with the advice.

Although I believe in the "traditional" family life, I do not believe that when you get married you're then resigned to a life as a suburban housewife and "vanilla" sex.

Just because I married my husband doesn't mean that gives me the allowance to let myself go physically, sexually and emotionally. Although some days I'm not "perfect" and in no way a Stepford Wife, I still believe that you still have to keep your husbands interests perked...as husbands should with their wives. Your married, not dead.

He has admitted to just shear laziness. He got me flowers recently, because I mentioned it to him...not because he wanted to, and he even said that to me - with a smile on his face and a joking tone. I chuckled, but inside I still cry and crave attention that is lacking.


In all honesty, I have tried the date nights...flirtatious behavior as we did when we first dated, but they have gone without a follow through from his side. I think I should just drop it, because I'm kinda tired of being shut down all the time...there is only so much a spouse can take of being shut down. I'm not saying this to spite him, I'm just saying that my heart can't take constant disappointment.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

It sounds to me as if he has suddenly realised that he is getting older! 
Life is stages...childhood, shoocl, university, first serious relationship, moving out of home, job, new relationship, another job, another relationship, moving in together, buying a house, marrying, children etc. 
Its called evolution. I suspect it has suddenly dawned on him that he is now in the serious stage of life.
Too 'old' to party all night...a 'good night' out is nice dinner, wine and in bed by 11pm!

I was a misery guts when I turned 40...then thought 'sod it', you are as young as you feel. So that makes me in my mid 20's, again!

I'd still get him checkled out to make sure its 'only' psychological.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

UnicornsandLollipops said:


> I think I should just drop it, because I'm kinda tired of being shut down all the time...there is only so much a spouse can take of being shut down. I'm not saying this to spite him, I'm just saying that my heart can't take constant disappointment.


Boy how I can relate to that!!! But...know this...if you do withdraw and shut down, things will likely not improve. Although....I have heard some ladies say though when they did slightly pull back it had a positive effect on their husbands. They said they would maybe stop doing a thing or two they'd always done in the past...like skip a night cooking dinner and just say "Oh..yeah, I just didn't have it in me to cook tonight." Or let the laundry go a couple days. Things like that. Go out shopping or somewhere without telling him and let him wonder a litte. I don't mean that in a bad way...but just to get his attention that hey, if he's going to neglect you, you're not going to sit around and mope. You have a life too.

I'm certainly no expert since my marriage is in the toilet :scratchhead:, but I can honestly go to my grave knowing I tried everything possible to save my marriage. And that means a lot to me personally. My wife is just in her own world and unreachable.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Lollipops - I know what you mean by shutting down. I got (am still) fed up with my wife turning down 90% of my advances.

You get to the point where you know you are going to be turned down and rejected. It hurts, so the way not to get hurt is not to get rejected which means not making an adance.

On the whole, it tends to be women who 'go off' sex...we guys usually can't get enough of it! So, as I've mentioned earlier, get things checked out...have blood tests done, check for diabetes. 
It could be a very simple easy fix...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This just screams mid life crisis. Lots of books on the subject. I don't have the answers but I know you can work through it.


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