# How do I approach wife about spicing up sex life?



## drake06949 (Jan 12, 2013)

For some people this might be easy but I'm a little nervous about bring up the subject with my wife. I've been happily married for 20 something years to my wife (both 50) who I still consider very hot for her age and I have just as strong of a sexual urge for her as I did when we met.

Like most couples, we started out with a great sex life. Sex all the time which also included oral for both of us. Although we still have sex 2 or 3 times a week, it's gotten to the point that she doesn't enjoy it any where close to how I do. I almost always have to make the first move or nothing's gong to happen. If I'm lucky I get a BJ maybe once a year if I beg for it. Her allowing me to perform oral on her has almost stopped also. She tells me that she doesn't like it and doesn't like being touched down there anymore.

It's basically her giving me a hand job for a few minutes before I get on top for the missionary position. Needless to say she pretty much just lays there while I have sex with her. Her having an organism is also pretty much out of the question. 

As much as I love having sex with her, it's not the same if she's not enjoying it. My thought was maybe if I bought a sex toy such as a vibrator she might gain some type of interest and enjoyment in our sex life. The only problem is I know she would be very shy about bringing it into our sex life. She might even flat out say no way.

How do I approach her with this without her thinking I'm some sort of sex pervert. We plan a trip to Hawaii soon (without kids) and I would love to have a great sexual experience with her. Any thoughts from others on how to bring his up?


----------



## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

There are a few ways that this could be approached. First would be direct by mentioning that you would like to explore ways to increase pleasure for both of you.

You could get books with ideas and highlight interesting topics and inquire about what topics she would like.

Does she read romance novels? You could browse one of them if she does and try role-playing one of the situations in the book.

This blog has some ideas for adding a bit to your relationship, A Place for Passion and you could show it to her and then talk about anything that sounds interesting to you.

Maybe mention that a friend or some other source talked about the joys of adding toys to intimate moments. Here is a potential for a starter toy. Harmony Slim G Vibrator 7-inch - White - DJ0915-04 - A Place For Passion

Sinclair Institute has several videos that are designed to help couples. They have one that specifically is about spicing things up, erotic massage and many others. Adult Sex Education


----------



## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

drake06949 said:


> Her having an organism is also pretty much out of the question.


This is your problem. Maybe start of with your hands first, then work up to sex toys...


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I would like to add that at 50 your wife (has she gone through the change yet?) that affects desire, can affect ability to orgasm, and 3 times a week, she isn't a spring chicken anymore and still matching your pace. Ask her what she likes about your sex life, and in addition express some interest in the ways her body has changed, and see if you can come up with a solution, dont' say "i want to spice up our sex life" then you make her feel as though something is wrong with her... and can have the opposite affect you are trying to obtain. I would just express conversation and try some slow spicing first, a feather rub down, a soft flower will work too.... too often couples get caught up in the traditional go to buttons and don't think outside the box. I bet too, once you get her engine running a but better, she will add some of her own spice.


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

It is hard for men to understand, but if your testosterone dropped off severely or was eliminated, you would no longer have a sex drive.

If her hormones have dropped due to menopause, she may just have no sex drive. It doesn't have anything to do with you.

Sex may be painful as things start to dry out.


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I know what you mean because it's very difficult for me to bring up the subject of sex with my husband.

Do you know what kind of a lover you are? Are you an unselfish, good, or great lover?

I'm asking because, until recently, I have always had LD (I'm mid-40's). I always blamed myself and felt bad about it, although my husband and I usually had sex 1-3X/week, so I never denied him. He does do OS on me, which is the only way I can orgasm. I even resented that my husband wanted sex so often.

When I first started reading here on TAM, I felt more bad about my previous LD (we're together 30 years) and all the years and times that I'm sure I just didn't seem into it .

I am now blameshifting and, right now, I'm blaming my husband for my LD and now I want more from our sex life. Sex was mostly, still is, boring for me. He comes, I don't (most of the time). I initiate and he lies there. I think if my husband was/becomes a better lover my drive wouldn't have been so low if sex was good, great, or even awesome.


----------



## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

drake06949 said:


> For some people this might be easy but I'm a little nervous about bring up the subject with my wife. I've been happily married for 20 something years to my wife (both 50) who I still consider very hot for her age and I have just as strong of a sexual urge for her as I did when we met.
> 
> Like most couples, we started out with a great sex life. Sex all the time which also included oral for both of us. Although we still have sex 2 or 3 times a week, it's gotten to the point that she doesn't enjoy it any where close to how I do. I almost always have to make the first move or nothing's gong to happen. If I'm lucky I get a BJ maybe once a year if I beg for it. Her allowing me to perform oral on her has almost stopped also. She tells me that she doesn't like it and doesn't like being touched down there anymore.
> 
> ...


Do you know if your wife is giving you "duty sex" or if she genuinely wants to be there?

If she were really enjoying it, I don't think she'd just be laying there. I think she wants to please you.

Maybe she feels pressure to keep up with your pace and you don't even know it (not your fault)

I know this is counter intuitive but maybe try backing off her for a few weeks and see how she responds to that.


----------



## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

Tigger said:


> It is hard for men to understand, but if your testosterone dropped off severely or was eliminated, you would no longer have a sex drive.
> 
> If her hormones have dropped due to menopause, she may just have no sex drive. It doesn't have anything to do with you.
> 
> Sex may be painful as things start to dry out.


so true

also you need to remember that the male sex drive is about 20 times stronger than the female one... most couples in their 50s would be so so happy to be doing it 3 times a week !!!

also remember that once women do go thru menopause they do dry up.. down their.... so may need extra lubrication


----------

