# Should i tell my separated wife everytime i need to go to OUR apartment?



## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Wife and i separated 6 weeks ago, 'am staying at my brothers and she's with our son in our apartment.

I used to go to the apartment at first when she wasn't there to pick up some of my stuff, she didn't mind. Then i went there a couple of times she was there with my son, me not knowing and she said to better tell her if i needed to drop by because of my son and he might get confused that i get.

But now, she has made a couple of comments regarding me stopping there (when she wasn't there). And she has asked me have you been at the apartment? i KNEW WHERE THIS WAS GOING , so i said both times yeah, once to pickup something andf the other to drop a gas tank she had asked me.

I said "do i need to tell you everytime i have to drop by the apartment?", She said, "i would appreciate it, thanks".

So we got into a Little argument, me saying, fine, if you feel this is important i will do it, but this is MY apartment too and if i need to pick up something i will go, i'll tell you later.

She said, that i went there this morning like if i was hiding it from her, that "comunication is important" and that i't would be better if she knew i'd been there. Then talking about invading space and what not.

To make a long story short i put my foot down and said " if i need to go i will go, and i'd tell youm later" it may seem i was hiding stuff from you (past behaviour) but that wasn't my intention.

I told her, that's why we need to talk (we had agreed on tonight) to set ground rules for this separation, which we never did.

Now, is she right?, do i need to tell her when i go to the apartment, even if she's not there? or 'am i right to be pissed?


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

RgeretF, I don't know the full circumstances, but its early days and she probably feels that she need space and time without worrying about you getting into her space. I think without being weak you need to pay her the courtesy of letting her know. It a sign that you respect her and yourself. You're angry and from what I see you may be feeling uneasy and uncertain about the future. I recommend looking at No more Mr Nice Guy the book, but it read it and observe some of the rules and assertions in it. Also observe the 180, it will make things easier for you longer term. She clearly has some trust issue and this like it or not need to be addressed. Are you doing any IC and is she doing IC or are you looking at MC? 
Its really important to start looking at what you are doing and stop thinking about what she is doing. Focus on yourself, easier said than done and you will slip but witness yourself doing that and try and hold yourself. I am not suggesting being passive or aggressive, but be honest and assertive. If you struggle with that you're best to say less. If you want to save what you have it is "crucial" you act now and make sure you really look at doing a complete 180 for yourself not her. If you're frustrated and scared and anxious, talk about it with friends and family, not the wife. Meeting tonight may not be a great idea, if it goes ahead control what you say, listen to what she says and really listen, and I mean really listen to what she is saying.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

Regretf said:


> do i need to tell her when i go to the apartment, even if she's not there? or 'am i right to be pissed?


Yes. It's the respectful thing to do. It's her personal space (despite what it used to be), even if you still consider it to be your old home.

In our case, my Wife calls to check if she can come over, and doesn't come over if i'm not there. (The exception to that, as i mentioned in my thread) is if she feels threatened walking to her apt alone after work (as happened recently). Then the rules go out the window.



> set ground rules for this separation, which we never did


Yeah, this should have been done. Though sometimes it's hard to do before D-Day, as some couples aren't in the right mind space.

So you should take care of it now. Look at it this way, if handled correctly setting boundaries can actually help establish a feeling of mutual trust, leading possibly to the start of a more solid relationship. If she knows she can trust you over some things, more trust can be built over other things later. And you do need to work on her trusting you.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Thanks guys. Yes, you are right it's her space now and i should respect it. Cheers


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## Faithful123 (Oct 29, 2014)

Stay strong mate its hard to control your emotions they tend to take over, but witness yourself getting worked and try and allow rationale thinking take control. Don't argue, its not what she wants to see at the moment, work on yourself, its early days, read the 180 and then read it again and observe it.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

It's not your apartment, it's hers. You moved out 6 weeks ago. You shouldn't even have a key. No longer a resident. You need to arrange a time to take what remains there of yours. Document it. Bring a friend/witness to the exchange. Return her key. Never cross the threshold again until you've worked out the end-game.

That said...

Were you removed by a court order? Or her request? How involved are you in the care of your child?I would never recommend moving out without a court order. She's with the child the majority of the time right now. In time she'll have established that as Status Quo. If you divorce she'll have a great case for you having the every other weekend screw job from the courts.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

You no longer stay in the home. Give her back her keys! My husband still has my keys and I would want them back if I were her. I'm sorry your going through this, but sometimes u have to learn to let go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why did you move out and leave your wife and child? 

Generally, it's a very very bad idea to leave the family home.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Do you have a spare bedroom?

Personally, I would move right back in and figure out what your goals are. Will she (or you) be filing for divorce?

I don't understand why you would leave your home in the first place. You certainly have a legal right to remain there until you are divorced. And if you're trying to work on your marriage, being apart usually doesn't resolve anything.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Do you have a spare bedroom?
> 
> Personally, I would move right back in and figure out what your goals are. Will she (or you) be filing for divorce?
> 
> I don't understand why you would leave your home in the first place. You certainly have a legal right to remain there until you are divorced. And if you're trying to work on your marriage, being apart usually doesn't resolve anything.


THIS^^^
Plus you need legal advice asap.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Consider telling her that if she does not like you coming and going as you plaease to rent her own place. Until then, you will enter and leave as you wish with the level of advanced notice that you think is appropriate.

Don't be a doormat,
Stretch


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Do you have a spare bedroom?
> 
> Personally, I would move right back in and figure out what your goals are. Will she (or you) be filing for divorce?
> 
> I don't understand why you would leave your home in the first place. You certainly have a legal right to remain there until you are divorced. And if you're trying to work on your marriage, being apart usually doesn't resolve anything.


Hi,

Been lurking the forums without much to say lately. I left originally so things between us would come down a bit and she would have a clear head to think and i would work on my IC same as her.

Long story short, a couple of years of bad communication, us drifting apart and some behaviour on my part that she resented and that i wouldn't change.

I have been doing much better with my IC, Reading, going to AA and self realization of my past behaviour.

Things between us look like are going down the drain, she no longer wants to work on the marriage, doesn't believe we can be happy together again, her feelings for me are gone (her words) and is still living in the past and can't let go. Nothing i can do.

My concern is, we decided to talk again to figure the economic aspect of a possible D (who would pay what, child payments, etc), in case that happens (which is what it looks like), if it doesn't, well it doesn't (her words).

If she decides she no longer wants to be married and says she wants the divorce, even if i don't want to i would have to agree, who wants to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I have though about once this happens, moving back into OUR apartment (which i pay almost everything on but gorceries and some things for my son, she pays that). 

I would tell her, OK, you no longer want to be married, i cannot change that, but i've been out of the apt for too long, being uncomfortable, spending less time with my son. While the divorce takes its course and we SELL the apartment, i WANT to live in the apartment, i will sleep in the spare bedroom.

Now this will cause problems with her, that i know and at the end she will either put up with that and maybe we will be going through hell or she will move out to her mothers with my son.

As you see it is a delicate matter, but i feel i have been too patient, given her enough space and time and why should i continue to live out of my apartment if it is her desition to D?, it has been thayt way until now because of my son and i don't want to be a SOB, but i feel she just can't have her cake and eat it too. Been a dormat for too long.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is this past behavior of yours that you would not change? It is drinking? What else was involved?


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> What is this past behavior of yours that you would not change? It is drinking? What else was involved?


Some drinking (which i stopped), compulsive lies which i managed to stop), some inmaturity on my part (which i have worked on). 

Mainly we drifted apart and i know she blames a lot on me. it was 50/50.

She seems determined to go thru D, i can't change her mind. It just puzzles me that 2 bad years of living like "roomates" and being emotionally apart is enough for her to put and end to a marriage of 5 years, family. YES i have checked and there is no other person.

She has had a very sheltered easy life and i believe at the first sign of trouble she's running from it instead of facing it, working on it. But in her mind she has already worked on it far too long.

I see here many cases of WAW after 10, 15, 20, 25 years, that i get. but not even 5?.
Either he love for me wasn't as strong as she/i thought or she has some other issues, personal ones. I believe she's not happy regarthless of the relationship or not. And that i can't help.

I told her "we don't have to go thru this" and she said " i just wish it was that easy coming back together, i just wish that but it isnt", internal conflicto, trust issues, i don't know. I'm at the end of my rope. her feelings are gone, not thta strong, clouded, i don0t matter. Seems like our marriage is coming to an end and it is very painful for me.


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