# Awkward!



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I'm on a couple of dating sites, one of which has forums. Being a forum lover, I have made some online friends, male and female. No problem there.

A couple of days ago, we got joking on one thread about match making through the site. A woman who I'll call Susie emailed me saying, "Hey, you should check out so&so. . ." I thanked her and said we should get together sometime; she's funny online and we live not too far apart.

Then today, she leaves a post on a different thread that makes it very clear she was dating my ex-husband--and he dumped her after dragging her through some of his issues. Yikes! I pretty much knew the whole story from his p.o.v. and now have caught a glimpse of her side of the story.

So, do I tell her he was my ex? Or do I just play dumb? I cannot imagine hanging out with her W/O telling her she dated my ex, however, so maybe I just need to avoid any friendly overtures? I want to respect her privacy and yet do not want to commit a sin of omission if we do get together. 

Right now I'm hoping she's too busy to hang out and the whole thing becomes a non-issue. But hey, why wait to see how something plays out when you can bring it to TAM and get a whole bunch of people talking about it, right? 

TIA for your replies.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Why not do like women do to men on dating sites to demonstrate no interest and just go dark on her, stop communicating completely, don't even pretend like you want to have a friendship? you owe each other nothing, you and her just chat occasionally on a forum.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Lon said:


> Why not do like women do to men on dating sites to demonstrate no interest and just go dark on her, stop communicating completely, don't even pretend like you want to have a friendship? you owe each other nothing, you and her just chat occasionally on a forum.


Oh, uh, so, Lon, how about dem Bears?


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

Sounds like you don't want to deal with this. I wouldn't. Chances are she won't follow up. If she does, just be politely busy. No angst for either of you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

23YearWife said:


> Sounds like you don't want to deal with this. I wouldn't. Chances are she won't follow up. If she does, just be politely busy. No angst for either of you.


Thanks; I am hoping she does not follow up on it. I just have this kind of creepy feeling, like I know something I should not know. I guess I'd rather be blissfully ignorant  It is almost like having a bad taste in my mouth. 

But I am quite good at being politely busy, although I much prefer to be honest and direct. This is one of those times that discretion is the better part of valor, I guess!


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

It kind of pisses me off you cant just be honest.

I see no compelling reason not to tell her both that she dated your ex and you feel awkward about it. 

You stated honesty is your preference. Its mine too. You porbably noticed.


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## 23YearWife (Sep 3, 2010)

Maybe I don't see the picture, but this isn't a relationship that coincided with yours, is it? If not (and even if so), I personally wouldn't even consider this involvement. What is there to gain? Why get in the middle of her relationship with your ex? Sounds like you did get a potentially valuable second perspective from her, though, which might help in sorting out what was true and not true concerning your ex.

But I don't quite get why you have a bad taste in your mouth. You don't owe this woman anything and it's not your fault this happened. If I'm missing something, let me suggest you first consciously decide what you want the outcome to be -- what you hope to gain -- by telling her. If there's no benefit, only the possibility of angst with a total stranger, then I'd be grabbing myself some chocolate (okay, diet chocolate) to dispense with that bad taste and moving on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YupItsMe said:


> It kind of pisses me off you cant just be honest.
> 
> I see no compelling reason not to tell her both that she dated your ex and you feel awkward about it.
> 
> You stated honesty is your preference. Its mine too. You porbably noticed.


Why would something like this from someone on a forum that you do not even know piss you off?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would just move on. 

She was on a public board talking about things in such a manner that you could tell that she was talking about your ex. There is a very good chance that she knows who you are. Did you post your photo? It's a dating site after all.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> Why not do like women do to men on dating sites to demonstrate no interest and just go dark on her, stop communicating completely, don't even pretend like you want to have a friendship? you owe each other nothing, you and her just chat occasionally on a forum.


Yikes, it sounds like you've had a bad experience with that? To be honest, I've had guys go dark on me too. I often ignore winks, but never emails. Even if not interested, I respond with an email, and I've received enough such emails myself that I haven't got jaded on dating sites. 

I feel fortunate to have found someone I really click with, so hopefully I can write an email to a guy I put off due to scheduling, rather than going dark. In my neck of the woods, you can't do that, go dark, because the likelihood you will run into the person sooner or later just in the grocery store, Post Office, area recreational venues, etc. is very high. Like all the single men in my area know I am dating because of my profile, probably a lot of married guys too. Nothing around here is private! I have got so many smiles and waves at the few intersections in town to know that half of the male population here is on Match.com also all the logging and dirt/gravel trucks that go by in town when I'm crossing the street to get to work, one main road lol. It's like being on a freakin' runway or a reality show.  If you go dark you can be sure everyone will know what a cold heart you have to go with your pretty face and curves.  So not going there.

On the other hand, I'm glad I don't live in a city. I could get away with a lot more than I'd really like to. :rofl:

As for OP I think maybe you are overthinking the scenario. Why not just wait until the situation occurs (if ever) and then dealing with it then according to how you feel. Probably you will tell her and you can just trust yourself to do that tactfully and move on, stating that maybe it's a topic you two could agree to avoid in the interest of sharing time together forging a future rather than rehashing the horrid past. Make a toast to the horrid past and move on, sort of thing. You'll deal with it okay, so there is no need to obsess over this and that scenario. Anixety about future anxiety is the worst kind of anxiety there is, it's not even based on reality! And yet, it has such a huge effect, because anything that can go wrong, you imagine and then it just snowballs from there. Just imagine yourself having confidence to handle the sitaution if it comes up and relax back into the present reality which is that it hasn't and it might never.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Yikes, it sounds like you've had a bad experience with that? To be honest, I've had guys go dark on me too. I often ignore winks, but never emails.


No I wouldn't say bad, it was frustrating at first but now I just presume that's how it works trying to communicate on dating sites. I guess it is the most direct and clear show of disinterest. And I have yet to run into anyone I've communicated with and feel awkward about it, they were strangers before, and they pretty much remain strangers, just ones who I know their faces, like the people you see every day walking to work or what have you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Lon said:


> No I wouldn't say bad, it was frustrating at first but now I just presume that's how it works trying to communicate on dating sites. I guess it is the most direct and clear show of disinterest. And I have yet to run into anyone I've communicated with and feel awkward about it, they were strangers before, and they pretty much remain strangers, just ones who I know their faces, like the people you see every day walking to work or what have you.


Hey, Lon--I don't know if you know this, but one of the main reasons women "go dark" (and men too) is that they have had negative experiences with people after politely declining to move forward--at whatever stage. I mean, receiving crazy, hateful emails from people who cannot handle rejection. 

I go back and forth on this b/c while some people like to get the polite rejection, others don't--they prefer to just be ignored. I cannot tell what the other person prefers. Hmm, maybe I should put at the bottome of my profile, "please indicate your preferred method of rejection when contacting me by making the subject of your email "polite" or "ignored."


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> Hey, Lon--I don't know if you know this, but one of the main reasons women "go dark" (and men too) is that they have had negative experiences with people after politely declining to move forward--at whatever stage. I mean, receiving crazy, hateful emails from people who cannot handle rejection.
> 
> I go back and forth on this b/c while some people like to get the polite rejection, others don't--they prefer to just be ignored. I cannot tell what the other person prefers. Hmm, maybe I should put at the bottome of my profile, "please indicate your preferred method of rejection when contacting me by making the subject of your email "polite" or "ignored."


That has not been my experience... of the hundreds of women I've messaged who have not been interested, literally only 3 have ever replied with a "not interested" message, in one of those I wrote back to thank her for her rare honesty, the other two I took the hint.

A few have replied with a one or two word message which I took as disinterest but it wasn't explicit. And then sometimes an actual dialog ensues in which the women will go dark without warning after anywhere between 3-10 messages. When they go dark, if they do not indicate disinterest I will sometimes follow up with one more line just to be sure. Once it is clear to me their disinterest, either by explicitly saying so or by one or two instances of ignoring our conversation, I have never pursued anything beyond that - I would hope they do not view that as a negative experience or that my open ended messgages are hateful or crazy, if they do they are genuinely nuts so I'm glad they are not interested.

I personally prefer rejection over being ignored, but I am learning that for many of the women I'm seeing on dating sites it is the same thing, so I am getting better at not taking it personally. I think a lot of it has to do with the local scene and demographics where I live too.

as for you preferred message of rejection, that's funny... I get the feeling that any guy who answers it is guaranteed to get what they ask for haha.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Maybe the sites should offer it as part of the profile--"Select your preferred method of rejection from the following list: . . . " Then anyone who takes the time will know--or maybe it could show up with your username on searches: "Sisters359 prefers rejection by--email." "Lon prefers rejection by-being ignored."

One of the biggest complaints I hear from other women is that men respond but do not ask any questions, leaving the woman nothing to respond TO. If you are already doing this, great. I just thought I'd toss out whatever might help.

I get the "no reply" a lot, too, even when I'm just asking a simple question (ie, not particularly interested, but would love to know what type of puppy that is in the picture.) I'm friendly and I email all sorts of folks, although my search parameters indicate I'm not interested in a long distance relationship. Sometimes I look to see if a guy who has visited my profile lives near by, and then I notice something I have a question about--so I email. If they reply, I make it clear that I'm just being friendly. sometimes we remain friendly and in contact occasionally, but usually guys just disappear then (and I don't care). 

It's fun to learn about people you would never have the chance to meet in real life, but I don't let that interfere with my plans for dating or meeting someone special.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

well sis359, I'd reply to you on a dating site, even if you weren't intersted in dating... I too am not averse to meeting people for random other reasons on there. Oh and also, yeah I always make sure to ask a question, which can be really hard sometimes especially if her profile is brief... I try to leave my questions open ended so they have a chance to elaborate, but I get the yes/no replies or bare minimum, with no emoticons or punctuation sometimes, which leaves me really confused as to their level of interest, hard to be playful with that, but I think I do ok.

FTR, this has been my experience in real life too, the few times I've tried to open with a woman (way back before I was married, and online dating had proliferated) in a bar or club they quite often would just turn and walk away, right in front of you - quite rude in fact. That's when I suppose I started to take an interest in the whole PUA thing, not that I tried any of it, but just trying to wrap my mind around what exactly they are doing to engage her where I am not.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would either come completely clean with her, or gently disengage from her. The problem with coming clean with her, IMO, is that she could know a little more about you (from your ex) than you might feel comfortable with - given that this is someone you only really 'know' online.


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