# Need Advice on Rebuilding Trust



## falkyrie (Jun 13, 2012)

Evening all,
I'm now seriously lost and don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to make this short so I'm just gonna blabber it all. Maybe it wasn't all a big deal, but it sure does had some effect on regaining my trust on my husband. Well I know that every single person in this planet must have one or two little secrets that they cannot share to anyone even their closest friends, partner, family members, etc. And that's perfectly normal. Though the type of 'secret' is what really the issue here. My husband and I are both very possessive. He doesn't like me talking to another guy and nor do I. He used to delete my contacts that he didn't like and yes so did I. So one day there was this one woman (an old friend of his) who liked to flirt him around so I deleted the girl's contact just as how we always did. Couple days after that he told me that the woman asked him why he deleted her. So I asked him,'So did u tell her that I was the one who did it?' And then he answered me joking, 'I did' then he laughed. I took that in a serious way though then after he saw my reaction he said jokingly, 'of course not, silly. Why would I do that?' Then I let it passed. Later I found out that he contacted with the woman again through twitter and found a private message of him saying to her, 'my wife swiped ur contact, hahaha' I felt betrayed and we had a huge fight over that. When I asked him why did u tell her that but told me otherwise, he only said, 'cause she's an old friend of mine and I feel bad to her if I just suddenly stop talking to her.' I felt like so basically u care more on how she felt than how your wife would feel? I was so mad and upset. We did clear things up and made up that night like how we always did. But to these days, I still can't forget the feelings and start questioning every single his 'joking' answer and wonder if that's really the truth or there're more behind it. But I don't voice it out and kept it all.

So I started to find it hard to believe in his words like before. I mean like I have to ask him repeatedly where he's going, what he's doing, with whom, etc before I can trust on it and calm down. I started checking on browser history. And that's when I found another wall. He always told me (from way back then, from when we first met!) I'm the only woman he looks at, that he can't get hard with another, that he never gets horny when he sees another, that he doesn't like to see other women at all, and all those stuff. But I found in history that he was checking out models in bikinis. When I asked him, he denied it and made up excuses (though I'm not stupid as there's no other person using the computer but us??) I might be possessive of him talking to other women, but I personally can easily handle the facts that men are naturally like to see pictures like that if I have to. I really just hate it when he lied in the beginning and denied it and then said stuff like how he doesn't like to check out other girls. I mean if you like it then just admit it in first place that you do. If he did tell me how he is like from the start, I won't even make a big deal of him checking out models in bikinis over the internet! It's the denials that I truly hate! I'm now pregnant with our first child and this incident really didn't help at all 

I know deep inside I can still trust him and I love him very much. He might not meant any harm at all but maybe he just can't be honest to me? or whatever it is....I just don't know what to do anymore. I know he hates me being over paranoid like this too and by all means I hate it as much as he does and I'm trying my best to overcome it! I know it takes two hands to clap so we tried talking about it but always ended up fighting and zero solution. I had nightmares. I can't sleep. Now I even jealous of his own sister and have unreasonable thoughts on them (OMG!! Am I crazy now?) I hate having to think too much like this. I feel like this isn't normal anymore?? Am I normal to feel paranoid like this after all that happened? Am I overreacting? How am I supposed to fix this?? How to handle this? Do I really need to go to counseling over this? If he really can't do anything for his part then at least I want to do mine so things can get better for both of us, but problem is, after all that happened, I don't even know how to play my part anymore! But I wanna fix this trust for him even if I have to do it alone! Please advise  And thank you all for reading and replying...I know it may seems silly to some of you and a lot of couple out there experienced a lot more serious issues than this, but really I just don't know who to talk anymore and I tend not to tell family members cause it brings out bigger problem. So I like to go on forum and go anon. Thank you all!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Just calm down and make sure he knows how you feel about this woman's contact. Him contacting her and 'ha ha-ing' over you deleting her info was a huge no-no in my book. I'm sure he meant no real harm, but all the same, make sure he knows that doing this was wrong. Ask for transparency. Give him transparency. Get on the same page.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I had something similar happen in my marriage and having anxiety it gets multiplied in my head than a normal person's head.... so I understand exactly how you feel right now. I finally sat down with my husband and explained to him my trust issue and told him point blank, if you can't even be honest with me and say that you find other woman attractive, when I know that you do because it is nature for God's sake than how can I trust other things..... I can tell you personally that you cannot trust the browser history because you could have a virus, we had one and it was loading random pages and it was a site that was bikini models... if you use google chrome i suggest deleting, uninstalling and using firefox. Only then will you get a true history.... my husband swore he was not looking at sites, even after we had a heart to heart, and then one night it loaded the site into the history on a night he was not even here.... so I believed him then... sucked that it took it happening like that... but once trust has been broken (similiar thing here, another woman friend) it's hard to get it back... but you have to trust. I had to finally once we removed the google chrome, stop checking the history, and trust that what he was telling me was the trust. I had to stop checking his phone. I had to it was driving me insane. I told myself it something was going on, it was going to come out eventually anyway. I had to be honest with my husband about my feelings 100% how his actions with the other woman made me feel, and I would suggest you do the same and tell him exactly as you said to us, how he is acting like this other woman's feelings mean more than your own... his wife's... and tell him to do some research on friends of the opposite sex within a marriage.... pandoras box. My husband got it pretty quickly. He even came on TAM and read some things... for all I know he posted too? In any case. You have to find your own inner peace and work to get the trust back, but that requires some serious conversations and then letting things go... that is the hard part, letting things go.


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## nachopenguin (Apr 27, 2012)

I just wanted to chime in that you are not alone. I recently caught my husband doing some porn-related things online that he told me he'd stopped doing 10 years ago. I now find myself doubting everything about him, everything he has ever told me. The anxiety and depression are overwhelming. I keep telling myself that, with time, the trust will come back but until then the voices in my head are horrible.

I wish you luck.


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

nachopenguin said:


> I just wanted to chime in that you are not alone. I recently caught my husband doing some porn-related things online that he told me he'd stopped doing 10 years ago. I now find myself doubting everything about him, everything he has ever told me. The anxiety and depression are overwhelming. I keep telling myself that, with time, the trust will come back but until then the voices in my head are horrible.
> 
> I wish you luck.


Trust issues never go away if you do not work on them. They will only get worse if you do not work through them. Just like depression it sneeks into your heart and like a vine. Wraps around and you feel you can't breath. Layers and layers of pain get piles on and you start wondering how did you get there. I wish all of you the best and my advice to you is don't let it grow. Talk to your husband. Tell him you love him and have a calm grown discussion. No yelling. Tell him how you feel and also listen to his wants,desires etc. Every relationship is different so adjust my advice to how it best suits you. I try my best to help but only both of you know how you communicate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SolitaryConfinement (Jun 20, 2012)

Sorry that this is happening while you are pregnant. Where the rest of the world sees a pregnant woman as being beautiful, it is very rare that you will have a pregnant woman say she feels beautiful. thus causes more issues with men looking at other women, pictures or otherwise. I am going to try to not get graphic, but hopefully this may give you some solace. Men look at porn, men masturbate. although it is completely natural, there is a stigma about the action itself, even amongst married couples. Most men do not feel comfortable answering the question "well, do you....?" Most of the time, this is the first question that follows "do you look at porn?" (or swimsuit models or anything revealing of a womans/mans body). I do, and my wife knows, but doesnt ask. she doesnt really want to think about it, although she is grateful that it does help keep me from bugging her for sex when she clearly isnt in the mood. it has nothing to do with wanting someone else, AT ALL. This is something that men are trained from jr high school to deny 100%. So yes, most men will tell you that they never do, and most of them in reality are just as guilty.

It sounds as if you have other issues that the two of you need to address and resolve, and I hope it works out. I don’t think this would bother you so much if there weren’t other issues surrounding it. Asking if he is attracted to, or looks at other women is a no-win question. It is just like a wife asking if she looks fat in an outfit. If a guy says no, he’s lying, if he says yes, the earth will stop spinning, and fire will shoot from her eyes. If a guy says he’s not looking at women/porn, he’s lying, if he admits it, then he instantly becomes a sick pervert. In addition, if he does admit to it, then the wife begins to feel some level of insecurity. Why is he looking at someone else? Does he not find me attractive? This isn’t the case at all. Speaking from personal experience, I don’t want another woman, and my wife is SMOKIN’ HOT. If he is ONLY looking at pics, and NOT communicating with someone, i would let that one rest, and focus on the bigger issues. 

I hope my perspective helps some.


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