# Would you confront your WS over this or just let it go?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So I found another email on the weekend between H and his OW..not a recent one but one from last fall sent about a week after DD#1.

In it OW says to H...something about even though your wife knows are our "plans" still on and the fact that she loves him and misses him...and can't wait for herself to be with him.

He responds to her that nothing has changed (meaning the plans) and that he misses her. (note he did not say he loved her back..a good thing for me but whatever, I'm grasping at straws here).

I asked him a number of times about what these "plans" were and he finally admitted to me last night that she had wanted him to find a way to get sent back to Singapore by the company that sent him there originally...I wasn't really mad when he told me I was more happy that he was honest about it...and I said to him like that was ever going to happen. Plus I said your OW must be really stupid to think that after I knew about your EA with her that I was going to be okay with him going back to Singapore. He sheepishly agreed and said he just said that to her to keep the bull**** going (his term not mine)...he knew that no way he was ever going to go back there ever again while we were in R and still married.

After this phone conversation (H is working out of town but I talk to him every day) my anger kind of built up..and because I can't confront her which I would love to do believe me, I wanted to phone him back and ream him out just because I felt anger and wanted to get it out again, plus the thought that if I had not found out about his EA last fall..then he would have gone back there unbenowst to me...all the while I am oblivious to anything.

Is this something that you would just let go and just be glad that he told me about it?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add that alot of the anger inside me came from the fact that once again this ***** knows I know about him and her and she is desperately still trying to go ahead and make plans with him...**** I would love to ream her out in person ideally.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

highwood he's still not being honest with you and unless you know the complete truth its going to haunt you for ages, I wouldn't let it go, time for the good cop bad cop routine


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

highwood said:


> So I found another email on the weekend between H and his OW..not a recent one but one from last fall sent about a week after DD#1.
> 
> In it OW says to H...something about even though your wife knows are our "plans" still on and the fact that she loves him and misses him...and can't wait for herself to be with him.
> 
> ...


don't worry, I feel the same way you do with the same "what ifs" playing in my head. You said you mentioned it to him once already. Keep the hardcopy.

Do you feel that he is doing everything right at the moment? If so, don't bring it up again. 

but maybe someone more experienced than I has a different opinion.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> highwood he's still not being honest with you and unless you know the complete truth its going to haunt you for ages, I wouldn't let it go, time for the good cop bad cop routine


Maybe there is more to Highwood's story that I should know.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, he is doing good. I mean I think my anger is more the what ifs plus combined with the fact that this chick knows I know and she is so desperate to keep him around as he is her ticket to a better life in Canada...so I am just an inconvience for her. She is giving him tips about how to avoid me finding out anything else.

That's why I do not know if this is something I should harp on him about just because I am angry about it (and need to vent again) or just let it go..because as long as I am with him he will never go back.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

If he is doing good, I'd say drop it. If you continue to harp on it, you will be pushing him to her.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

You need to voice your worries to your husband, if he's in true R he's going to help you deal with it, he should actually be pro-active in doing this


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I'm not understanding this. Is he or is he not in contact with the OW?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, no contact with the OW...this was an email that I found on the weekend..from last October...about a week after DD#1.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

I think that I would have a hard time just letting it go.... maybe try the middle ground approach, don't get mad and ream him out, just talk about it and tell him your worries and discuss the what ifs with your husband...his answers might not magically take away all your worries but there might be some comfort in them. It's not good to keep things inside and he HAS to deal with all your emotions, and do what he can to answer all your questions as honestly as he can.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

highwood said:


> No, no contact with the OW...this was an email that I found on the weekend..from last October...about a week after DD#1.


Then I can't tell you to confront him about it or not because I made that mistake. I came into old information last April also, it was PMs and emails they sent each other during the affair. It was worse than I had imagined and I almost ended R right there and then. In fact, I DID decide to end R because of the hurtful nature of the messages so I told her I was done, and that's when I got literal begging at my feet, masacara running down her face, snot bubbles, wailing, etc. 

I realized these were old messages, prior to DDay, but it was Trickle Truth. But her reaction told me that she was truly remorseful. So I decided not to end R, but it was a *HUGE* bump on the road. If your WH is truly remorseful, then his reaction should be similar because he would be remorseful and compassionate toward your feelings. 

So it's up to you whether or not you want to confront your WH with this old information. But if he's truly committed 100% to R, then this should NOT push him towards the OW. In fact, he should be apologizing for the email and the Trickle Truth and wanting to help you deal with this.

Because you know what will happen if you sweep this information under the rug...its going to fester and fester and prevent you from healing.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

highwood said:


> No, no contact with the OW...this was an email that I found on the weekend..from last October...about a week after DD#1.


I would let this go. If he is doing the necessary steps of R, it serves no point to ream him over an email from 8 months ago. If you do, it will hamper your progress.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Don't Let it go, and by this i mean don't let it simmer under the surface that is exactly how resentment builds, have a mature discussion about it with your hubby and communicate your feelings to him, just don't start the blame game thats all


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

highwood said:


> No, he is doing good. I mean I think my anger is more the what ifs plus combined with the fact that this chick knows I know and she is so desperate to keep him around as he is her ticket to a better life in Canada...so I am just an inconvience for her. She is giving him tips about how to avoid me finding out anything else.
> 
> That's why I do not know if this is something I should harp on him about just because I am angry about it (and need to vent again) or just let it go..because as long as I am with him he will never go back.


Maybe you could discuss it with him (not argue and not direct your anger at him) as a learning experience for him as well as you in regards to pointing out how manipulative the OW is and how she deems it her duty to advise him into doing things that are against your marriage.

I assume he is out of the fog? So you can talk to him now? My STBXH is still in the fog, and doesn't see that taking direction and advise from the OW in his life is based on their own self-interest and has nothing to do with our marriage. One in particular was a SAHM looking for someone to rescue her, and would attempt to criticize me in order to make her look like a better choice (as it). My STBXH still doesn't see it and since we are separated, I have chosen to let him learn the hard way.

Perhaps you could simply talk to your H about this?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> Don't Let it go, and by this i mean don't let it simmer under the surface that is exactly how resentment builds, have a mature discussion about it with your hubby and communicate your feelings to him, just don't start the blame game thats all


I can see the point of communicating how you feel to your H, but keep the focus on you, something like, "I wish that email didn't bother me so much. I know it was such a long time ago, and we've made so much progress. But it's just so painful. I wish it wasn't."

What you can't do is ream your husband out for it, or go chasing the OW with a broom. Trust me, that won't be good. I've done it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Then I can't tell you to confront him about it or not because I made that mistake. I came into old information last April also, it was PMs and emails they sent each other during the affair. It was worse than I had imagined and I almost ended R right there and then. In fact, I DID decide to end R because of the hurtful nature of the messages so I told her I was done, and that's when I got literal begging at my feet, masacara running down her face, snot bubbles, wailing, etc.
> 
> I realized these were old messages, prior to DDay, but it was Trickle Truth. But her reaction told me that she was truly remorseful. So I decided not to end R, but it was a *HUGE* bump on the road. If your WH is truly remorseful, then his reaction should be similar because he would be remorseful and compassionate toward your feelings.
> 
> ...


Mayhem, was this just a couple months ago April, or last year?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks all...I think if I bring it up I have to bring it up in a calm way not ranting and raving..it is in the past..he was in a different head space back then. 

Honestly I would love to meet this ***** in person and just ream her out....I honestly do not know why someone would forgo any dignity and continue to make plans with a married person.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

highwood said:


> Thanks all...I think if I bring it up I have to bring it up in a calm way not ranting and raving..it is in the past..he was in a different head space back then.
> 
> Honestly I would love to meet this ***** in person and just ream her out....I honestly do not know why someone would forgo any dignity and continue to make plans with a married person.


Because she is a pitiful, desperate loser? :loser:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Mayhem, was this just a couple months ago April, or last year?


2 months ago. Yes, I almost headed for the divorce forum.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

highwood said:


> Thanks all...I think if I bring it up I have to bring it up in a calm way not ranting and raving..it is in the past..he was in a different head space back then.


That's the best course of action. That's what I did. My fWW couldn't believe how calm and gentle I was about it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> 2 months ago. Yes, I almost headed for the divorce forum.


Wow - sorry. It's really hard (and this is relevant to the OP's thread) to read something from that long ago and have it not affect you still. The words breathe life back into what happened. Takes a lot of will power to act rationally.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I agree with those saying do NOT leave this alone - bring it up, but not in an accusatory way.

My Dday#2 happened because I found a letter he had written fantasizing about how he would pull the wool over my eyes and meet up with one of his 'models'. He had written it way before Dday#1 but for some reason had saved it on his work computer. I hadn't had a chance to see his work computer, so when I accompanied him on a business trip 8 months after D day, he gave it to me to look through. I found that, plus I found other things he had written to post on hook up sites.

I triggered so bad, but I didn't want to upset him or make him feel attacked, so I laid down beside him on the bed and just told him what I had found. I ended up being so nervous I thought my heart was going to explode, and I cried. He apologized and calmed me down and apologized some more and then dropped the bomb - he admitted to hiring the hooker 5 months prior.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Thanks HOpe...I am having one of those days were I am wondering if I should stick this marriage out or not...

Sometimes when I think about the lies, etc. it makes me feel so nauseated and sick both for what he did and the fact that I am still with him. Do you ever look at your WS and wonder if they are the same person as prior?

I just think the fact that he was attracted to someone that did not care that he was married sickens me...where are your standards, your sense of decency, etc.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

highwood said:


> Thanks HOpe...I am having one of those days were I am wondering if I should stick this marriage out or not...
> 
> Sometimes when I think about the lies, etc. it makes me feel so nauseated and sick both for what he did and the fact that I am still with him. Do you ever look at your WS and wonder if they are the same person as prior?
> 
> I just think the fact that he was attracted to someone that did not care that he was married sickens me...where are your standards, your sense of decency, etc.



I have similar feelings and thoughts quite often but...

I've told my H about my feelings because I needed the answers to those questions.

He says he is different person because of what he did. He changed himself because no one looks at him in the same way, including himself. But he said he doesn't completely like who he was before the A either and certainly not who he became during. He had his A because he said he was angry. Now, he says he wants to be a better man and will never allow himself to get that angry or petty again.

I also question his standards and values but he said in the midst of the A, you don't care. You are getting your needs met so you don't think. However, it's when the WS starts to really look at the A and the OP, that the blush wears off and they realize they were foolish. And that the OP was an illusion. 

My H said now the whole thing is revolting and disgusting and he can't believe he allowed himself to go there because that is not who he wants to be.

He seems genuine. He told me during the A, he justified it based on how negatively he was feeling in the moment, and now looking back, he can't believe how stupidly he acted and he's ashamed of his foolish thinking. He said the whole thing seems like it happened to a stranger in some respects because he wasn't even acting like himself. He said he often can't even wrap his own mind around how he let himself act so poorly.

So talk to your H. I think, if you know the man he was before, you can gauge by his reactions if he is truly ashamed of his behaviour OR if he still thinks that an OW who wants a MM is an option.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> Do you ever look at your WS and wonder if they are the same person as prior?
> 
> I just think the fact that he was attracted to someone that did not care that he was married sickens me...where are your standards, your sense of decency, etc.


You've asked me this before, and yes, it happens. Not much any more, but a LOT closer to D days. On Dday#1 I kicked him out of the house, that's how much I couldn't stand to be near him. It was almost 3 months before I set eyes on him after that. On Dday#2, I refused to look at him or talk to him or touch him for almost a week. And for a LOOONG time after that it would come and go. 

All that happens now is I will look at him and wonder in a more abstract way what the HE!! he was thinking, because the man he is today is so vastly different from that man that got a blow job from a hooker on his couch.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I have similar feelings and thoughts quite often but...
> 
> I've told my H about my feelings because I needed the answers to those questions.
> 
> ...


Z- ALOT of what your H says sounds exactly like my H. The part about being wrapped up in an illusion of a person. And when you are in the A, you are so perfectly selfish. Says he is embarrassed at the immaturity of it all. The whole thing was b/c he had an over inflated ego that needed constant stroking. Almost a GOD complex at work. He was very important and good at his job and he thought he could fly when he was there. His AP snuggled up next to him at work and started telling him that they could rule the company together(she was his superior). He bought it hook line and sinker b/c he was looking for the attention. Didnt matter rather or not he was already getting it at home. SHE was telling hi m that he was GOD basically. Its all pretty discusting. *The mind of a cheater is not something easily understood by the rational person.*

@ Highwood -So the answer to your question: I made the decision to just read thru everything and get it all out at once. It was freakin brutal but then it helped alleviate the TT. It was pretty much one big storm of going thru some of what I had read. If I had chosen to go thru everything bit by bit with him- we'd be divorcing. It is all based in fantasy land. Almost High school ish. So juvenile at times. So my suggestion is to just tell him what you read and dont expect any rational answers. There was nothing rational about what he did.* Youre trying to make sense of lunacy.*


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