# Divorce/pain/confusion



## Seraphim56 (Nov 13, 2016)

:|IT WAS SUGGESTED TO START A NEW THREAD IN THE SEARCH FOR HELP. THE FOLLOWING IS MY ORIGINAL POST. THOUGHTS AND GUIDANCE PLEASE!

My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Have you sought out therapy? having someone to talk it out with could do you some good.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, it does get easier with time. 

If you called the suicide hotline and they were no help, please go to an emergency room they can help you get checked into a psych ward to keep you safe from yourself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's OK to grieve. What you are going through is hard. There is still hope for you though, you can still have a happy life. You need to give yourself some hope for that too.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Seraphim56 said:


> :|IT WAS SUGGESTED TO START A NEW THREAD IN THE SEARCH FOR HELP. THE FOLLOWING IS MY ORIGINAL POST. THOUGHTS AND GUIDANCE PLEASE!
> 
> My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
> 
> Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


#1 - We have to advise seeking help from qualified specialists in dealing with suicidal thoughts. Help from internet strangers is not going to be better. Specialists are specifically trained and have the deep knowledge and understanding of all of the externalities relating to suicide. They can't instantly cut the pain away. That said, they employ methods that are based upon scientific studies. If you believe this fact, it will immensely help you.

Otherwise,

You are a valuable individual, even if someone else does not express it or actively voices an opposing voice. You have inherent value and we can measure that objectively. You mentioned that you love her and would never hurt her. That is an incredibly positive thing to say. 

After you take step #1, I want you to make a list of objective truths. We want to align ourselves to objective reality. Things to consider are:

-all of the things that you have to be grateful for.
-things that you are proud of.
-major life accomplishments.
-positivity that you give to others.

Think about all of the hurdles you have overcome to arrive at this very point. These things don't change, even if you are feeling down in this moment. We can try to fight reality but reality will still be there undamaged. Whether you like it or not, you have incredible value.

Best,
RT


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have a talk with your pastor immediately! If, perchance, you don't have one, please get a recommendation on one there in your area!

Then take time to seek out psychological counseling on an individual basis! You need to air your hurt and pain out as much as possible!

Your having come to this preeminent website is a step in the right direction as there are so many willing and loving and Godly people here who want to hear all of the basic details of your story!

Your wife may well abandon you ~ mine abandoned me ~ but I had the foresight to come here to TAM, and I continue to remain as a favor to all of those folks who have so lovingly helped me!

@Seraphim56~ you will continue to remain in my prayers! Please stay in touch with us and although it's painful, please feel free to expound on the details of your dilemma!

And please always remember that God does love you and so do I!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Seraphim,

Sorry you are in the place you are, this worked for me in 2008 when I mostly recovered my marriage.

Read "his needs her needs" and "fall in love stay in love" by Dr Willard Harley. He is a believing Christian and his advice may be well suited for your situation.

Even if you don't recover your marriage, it will allow you to choose better and be an improved partner for your next relationship.

Tamat


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am sorry you are going through this. I went through it myself over the past two years. I was married 24 years. My wife decided she wanted a divorce and I felt much the same as you. I can only tell you to not do something stupid that you will regret. If you ever want to talk send me a PM. I am not fully healed, but life does get better. You may not believe this but so many new doors are opening for you, so many new opportunities.


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## Lauranie (Sep 17, 2016)

I know it doesn't seem like much to offer at the moment but you are not alone. I am very much in your shoes. ITs hard to fathom being able to survive this much pain. This forum is filled with people who know what we are going through, they survived and we will too.


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## Tit4Tat (Nov 23, 2016)

I was left by my wife as well and after I had to leave the house I spiraled out of control. 
The only thing that helped me was joining a group where I could talk about things. 
While this form is very useful, maybe you should try to join a club like AA but for people who are divorced. 
I found Celebrate Recovery which is a christian AA but for anyone who has issues, not just drugs and alcohol. 
I meet new people and heard a tone of stories that made me realize that my life is not as bad as it could be. 
It will get easier with time.

Find a hobby and start thinking about you and what you want and what you need. Work out to burn off the depression, distract yourself so you are not thinking about what happened to you but think about where you are going in life.

I hear that at 60 there is quite a dating scene, and you have at least 20 more years of life ahead of you where you will be active and living your life. This is a new beginning....


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Seraphim56 said:


> :|IT WAS SUGGESTED TO START A NEW THREAD IN THE SEARCH FOR HELP. THE FOLLOWING IS MY ORIGINAL POST. THOUGHTS AND GUIDANCE PLEASE!
> 
> My wife divorced me in February of '16. I do not understand why. We were married for over 30 years. I retired and out of the blue this. Everything I worked for is gone. Credit Cards/House/Cars gone or going. I have no idea how I am going to live. I am ashamed, angry, feeling betrayed, stabbed in the back, used, and taken advantage of. And in spite of the hatred, slights and despite that I am shown daily. I swallow my rage with pills and stare at the walls in silence. I want the pain to stop. My faith is failing, my belief is failing, my prayers for something to hold on to are unanswered. I feel has if God has abandoned me, and I understand not His plan for me. Each day I wake up I ask why. I have taken care of my family for 30 years and now all I feel is like I am a piece of dog-**** to be discarded of the bottom of a shoe; abandoned by all I loved and provided for. The abyss awaits and I can find no reason to go on. I need help. The Suicide Hot-line has not been of any help. I am over 60 and all I see waiting on me is the concrete slab underneath the interstate. This is not what I worked for all of my life. I could have been the worse butt-hole in the world and I would not have ended any worse then this. I need something to hold on to, for I have nothing. Everyday the darkness deepens and the gun awaits. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!
> 
> Am I angry? Do I want to hurt back in kind? Do I want to let my pain and suffering be felt by she that inflicted so much upon me? Yes, to all and so much more. However I am a child of God and I still love her. I will never hurt her. However, I struggle with my pain and just wish it to end.


I does get better. slowly.

The bad news is that everyone has lied to you. your wife, your society, and yes your church. It hurts because betrayal hurts.
The truth is they all live for themselves so when your wifes hormones shift in her Female Mid-Life Crisis then her brain no longer registers any reason for her to stay with you. She "falls out of love" big time. Sadly when you were working so hard and trying to be a good man and good father and good husband and good employee they never let you know that this was highly likely to happen. So you've been completely ambushed by this knowledge, as many men are.

You've also got no resistance because you're not prepared, and it's not a popular thing to tell people, you've never developed alternatives or barriers or a support network to deal with this problem, as you've been encouraged to emotionally invest everything in your wife and family. In fact, as a good man and husband, there's a good chance your entire life and identity have revolved around putting their needs and goals before your own, and thinking of them first - when they walkout on you, especially when you're older and hoping to slow down towards retirement and finally get your own interests and rewards for all that effort, and suddenly what has been your reason for living is gone - but that is because society makes their profit conning you into being their ***** - don't give them the satisfaction of taking your life too.

More bad news...the church lies to you. they need support and popularity to operate. God cares for everyone, but God also doesn't care for any _one_ person. Otherwise, there would be no traffic accidents, cancer, mental illness, or alcoholism. Those are just situations that occur from humans. God cares enough to provide the tools, toolshed, and materials - but he lets us run all our projects our own way, develop our own projects. Sadly some people enjoy having influence on others to make their society project run how they want, and they'll lie to you so you make it happen for them. They truly believe that as long as things work out the way they want then anything else (like your pain) is just a price they are willing to pay to get their society. Trust God, but not the priests and prophets who claim to know his will. It is up to you, as God intended, to make all the choices in your life. Society and priests conned you to get the society they wanted - only now you've been forced to open your eyes, so now you get a new choice.

The only real practical thing to do is get down to the gym, start taking walks, develop your interests, start interacting with decent people (but not over trusting them). The exercise and fresh air help, the people contact gives you a place other than your own thoughts to be. Keep well away from alcohol and stress, they'll just put you in a bad space.

Sorry, I (and no doubt, God) have tried to warn people like yourself and others about the "big con" but most people won't face it until the "train crash" ("in the ashes" (from the book "Iron John")) and then they have no choice but to realise how much they've been lied to. Nil est carborundum. And going forward from here, you now know, always put your own interests first. Sorry that you are in so much pain, and that it couldn't be prevented.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> #1 - We have to advise seeking help from qualified specialists in dealing with suicidal thoughts. Help from internet strangers is not going to be better. Specialists are specifically trained and have the deep knowledge and understanding of all of the externalities relating to suicide. They can't instantly cut the pain away. That said, they employ methods that are based upon scientific studies. If you believe this fact, it will immensely help you.


More excuses.

you don't _have_ to advise anything.... you're just covering your own butt saying that. Would it REALLY kill you to be honest for once - I can see you're trying, but go the whole way.
perhaps even admit that if he lets people with his contact details know he's feeling suicidal, that those people will cover their own ar-se and have police and mental health services chase him down and ruin his life (and also ruining any character-based legal defence). It's YOUR choice who you call, and YOUR choice what advise to give.

Here's one advice: going to a professional while you're feeling actively suicidal is likely to open a whole can of worms, legally and mentally. Your wife's attorney gets a _massive_ advantage if they can prove you troubled, mentally ill or incompetent, or even better instutionalised for his own good !!! Bung him full of drugs until he starts mouthing the words they want him to say. Meantime his ex gets to move on with her new hormone level with hardly a backward thought but that of being free of her "oppressive responsibility" forced on her by him (and certainly not a moment's good thought or sympathy "her past").

He is far better to get his mind in order first, perhaps see a GP for a pill to tide him over and help him sleep for a few weeks, than be caught in the tender mercy of the mental health system (you've been processed, we've got more important cases, get out, call us if things get acute again).


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> I does get better. slowly.
> 
> The bad news is that everyone has lied to you. your wife, your society, and yes your church. It hurts because betrayal hurts.
> The truth is they all live for themselves so when your wifes hormones shift in her Female Mid-Life Crisis then her brain no longer registers any reason for her to stay with you. She "falls out of love" big time. Sadly when you were working so hard and trying to be a good man and good father and good husband and good employee they never let you know that this was highly likely to happen. So you've been completely ambushed by this knowledge, as many men are.
> ...


This cracked me up!!!!!! If you really think this way you are totally and completely clueless!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Women initiate two-thirds of divorces and far more of the separations, according to a nationally representative study by the American Association of Retired People. This study is based on surveys of more than 1,000 divorced men and women, aged 40 to 79.

The most common reason the women gave for divorce was verbal abuse and emotional neglect. At the time of divorce, many husbands say they had no idea their wives were unhappy and considering divorce. 

According to this survey, men are "caught off guard" when a wife requests a divorce. Being a woman and, knowing women the way I do, we talk about our marital concerns. We are problems solvers, communicators and when it comes to our marriages we tend to be more concerned about the state of the relationship than men.

Women are communicators who discuss their dissatisfaction with the marriage with their husbands. Men are dismissers who compartmentalize their wife's unhappiness and hope ignoring the problem will cause it to go away.

It's no wonder that most men say they were "blinded sided" by their wive's desire for a divorce. 

Women usually are the first to suggest marital therapy. We buy self-help books on marriage and relationships to try and improve things. We have a tendency to not only express our concerns about the marriage to a spouse but to also talk to friends. In other words, before us women give up on a marriage, we leave no stone unturned when it comes to attempting to solve the problems in the marriage.

The reason more divorces are filed by women is because women can't solve marital problems alone. Eventually, a time comes when a woman has to make a decision. Remain in a bad marriage with a husband who dismisses her concerns or, extracts herself via divorce and moves on to, hopefully, more equal future relationships. 

Personally, I can say this fits my situation and I know many women my age who have been in marriages 20+ years that are going thru the same issues....not happy because they are not getting from the relationship what they want but torn about leaving. Many of my friends have realized their husband s are unwilling to go tho therapy and others have realized that everything they say falls on deaf ears so they have to either accept or leave. I chose to leave.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> More excuses.
> 
> you don't _have_ to advise anything.... you're just covering your own butt saying that. Would it REALLY kill you to be honest for once - I can see you're trying, but go the whole way.
> perhaps even admit that if he lets people with his contact details know he's feeling suicidal, that those people will cover their own ar-se and have police and mental health services chase him down and ruin his life (and also ruining any character-based legal defence). It's YOUR choice who you call, and YOUR choice what advise to give.
> ...


There are individuals that are specifically trained to interact with suicidal individuals. You are playing with fire with your nonsense. We don't joke around with suicidal thoughts.



> Meantime his ex gets to move on with her new hormone level with hardly a backward thought but that of being free of her "oppressive responsibility" forced on her by him (and certainly not a moment's good thought or sympathy "her past").


Fairness? You jump to fairness as an excuse?



Put simply, you have no idea what you are talking about. There are legal and ethical restrictions on services provided. When someone announces suicidal thoughts, they are immediately referred to specialists. CBT, for instance, is just as effective as psychoactive drugs, but it is long-term. In combination, there is some increased benefit. All of that would be considered............by the specialist.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> Women initiate two-thirds of divorces and far more of the separations, according to a nationally representative study by the American Association of Retired People. This study is based on surveys of more than 1,000 divorced men and women, aged 40 to 79.
> 
> The most common reason the women gave for divorce was verbal abuse and emotional neglect. At the time of divorce, many husbands say they had no idea their wives were unhappy and considering divorce.
> 
> ...


Personally, I can say based on your post that that scenario may in fact fit your situation. But for me, the exact opposite was true. My ex fancied herself the "great communicator" and "keeper of the relationship" but was the one who bailed out. Looking back, she made some misguided and misdirected attempts to "leave no stone, unturned". But in fact, she, like many women, failed to see the huge boulder of failed communication (on both parts) that stood right in front of her as she scampered around overturning a bunch of little stones that really had little to do with real issue. All of it based on her belief that she was the communicator, my job was to listen, and too bad if I didn't. She felt no need to hear my concerns, because they weren't important enough since all I wanted was sex and food (in her mind). I am sure there are many "blindsided" men who feel the same way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. This didn't just happen. At least you'll know who and why.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Personally, I can say based on your post that that scenario may in fact fit your situation. But for me, the exact opposite was true. My ex fancied herself the "great communicator" and "keeper of the relationship" but was the one who bailed out. Looking back, she made some misguided and misdirected attempts to "leave no stone, unturned". But in fact, she, like many women, failed to see the huge boulder of failed communication (on both parts) that stood right in front of her as she scampered around overturning a bunch of little stones that really had little to do with real issue. All of it based on her belief that she was the communicator, my job was to listen, and too bad if I didn't. She felt no need to hear my concerns, because they weren't important enough since all I wanted was sex and food (in her mind). I am sure there are many "blindsided" men who feel the same way.


What I posted here was a direct quote from an article I read. It might not have been your experience and we can fight the man and women thing all we want but it resolves nothing. What we each have to do is look at what we each did that contributed to the downfall of the marriage and you have yo be realistic about this. There are certainly users (the narcissists of the world who lack all compassion and love for others) out there is this world, male and female. These people can be very cunning in the beginning and they know how to lay their trap. Unless you play their game you are nothing to them. Perhaps this is your case, perhaps not. I do not know you, you do not know me. 

As far as the sex issue, when women see a man only interested in sex from them with no loving interest in them for the person they are it is not uncommon for the woman to step away emotionally to protect herself, even if it is from her husband. Relationships have to be mutual in every respect. All too many times after the "romance" phase is gone, honeymoon is over one or the other partner thinks they can "relax" and no longer puts the effort into the relationship they had when they were dating. Huge mistake. It takes giving on both parts. We would not continue to date someone who ignored us and acted like they had no interest in spending time with us yet many times this is what happens in marriage and then we wonder why the person leaves?

There are all different reasons why women leave their marriage but what I can say is no matter her reason for leaving, she was not happy. I personally stayed far too long with a man who showed more interest in other women than he did with me.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> What I posted here was a direct quote from an article I read. It might not have been your experience and we can fight the man and women thing all we want but it resolves nothing. What we each have to do is look at what we each did that contributed to the downfall of the marriage and you have yo be realistic about this. There are certainly users (the narcissists of the world who lack all compassion and love for others) out there is this world, male and female. These people can be very cunning in the beginning and they know how to lay their trap. Unless you play their game you are nothing to them. Perhaps this is your case, perhaps not. I do not know you, you do not know me.
> 
> As far as the sex issue, when women see a man only interested in sex from them with no loving interest in them for the person they are it is not uncommon for the woman to step away emotionally to protect herself, even if it is from her husband. Relationships have to be mutual in every respect. All too many times after the "romance" phase is gone, honeymoon is over one or the other partner thinks they can "relax" and no longer puts the effort into the relationship they had when they were dating. Huge mistake. It takes giving on both parts. We would not continue to date someone who ignored us and acted like they had no interest in spending time with us yet many times this is what happens in marriage and then we wonder why the person leaves?
> 
> There are all different reasons why women leave their marriage but what I can say is no matter her reason for leaving, she was not happy. I personally stayed far too long with a man who showed more interest in other women than he did with me.


Your original post in this thread was in response to a post made by spottedheadddog. IMO the post by SHD was right on the money. He didn't assign blame to anything but the society we live in. Yes, he did say the OP's wife lied to him. But even those lies are based on the "truism" society feeds to women and which you repeated. Your response, which I see often on TAM, is to blame the man for being unhearing and clueless, because of another "truism" of society that women are the keeper of the relationship and better communicators than men. I reject that "truism". The reality is, as I had posted, a failure of communication ON BOTH SIDES. I just get sick of hearing women continually blaming men for not listening.
As SHD, said as a man you are told to do certain things. Among them are to be the good provider, the good father, the good husband. Most men try to do that. They are told by society, that in return for acting certain ways, there will be rewards, - a wife, a family, stability etc. Again, most men strive to fulfill the expectations of society (and by extension their religion and spouse) Most men don't see it coming, in part because many women, simply imagine that they (women) are the keepers of the relationship and the better communicators. That it is incumbent upon the man to listen, as if they themselves don't have to. They fail to realize that men give up as much, or more, of themselves to maintain the relationship as any woman does. Which is exactly why men often feel blindsided when the train wreck happens. IOW the man is so deep into the relationship that it never occurs to him the the so-called "keeper of the relationship" would ever leave that relationship.
This is the thing that I think many woman fail to understand.
I agree completely that often times both sides are to blame. Men AND WOMEN fail to communicate with each other. Had they been able to, there would surely be quite a bit more mutually agreed upon break ups. I have no problem with someone leaving a relationship because it is/was not making them happy. But everybody has an obligation to be honest with other people, especially one they have taken a vow to. Honesty does not involve relying on societal truisms, if your ex (speaking generally here not specifically to you) felt blindsided it is probably because they were blindsided and SHD pointed out why.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Your original post in this thread was in response to a post made by spottedheadddog. IMO the post by SHD was right on the money. He didn't assign blame to anything but the society we live in. Yes, he did say the OP's wife lied to him. But even those lies are based on the "truism" society feeds to women and which you repeated. Your response, which I see often on TAM, is to blame the man for being unhearing and clueless, because of another "truism" of society that women are the keeper of the relationship and better communicators than men. I reject that "truism". The reality is, as I had posted, a failure of communication ON BOTH SIDES. I just get sick of hearing women continually blaming men for not listening.
> As SHD, said as a man you are told to do certain things. Among them are to be the good provider, the good father, the good husband. Most men try to do that. They are told by society, that in return for acting certain ways, there will be rewards, - a wife, a family, stability etc. Again, most men strive to fulfill the expectations of society (and by extension their religion and spouse) Most men don't see it coming, in part because many women, simply imagine that they (women) are the keepers of the relationship and the better communicators. That it is incumbent upon the man to listen, as if they themselves don't have to. They fail to realize that men give up as much, or more, of themselves to maintain the relationship as any woman does. Which is exactly why men often feel blindsided when the train wreck happens. IOW the man is so deep into the relationship that it never occurs to him the the so-called "keeper of the relationship" would ever leave that relationship.
> This is the thing that I think many woman fail to understand.
> I agree completely that often times both sides are to blame. Men AND WOMEN fail to communicate with each other. Had they been able to, there would surely be quite a bit more mutually agreed upon break ups. I have no problem with someone leaving a relationship because it is/was not making them happy. But everybody has an obligation to be honest with other people, especially one they have taken a vow to. Honesty does not involve relying on societal truisms, if your ex (speaking generally here not specifically to you) felt blindsided it is probably because they were blindsided and SHD pointed out why.


I do understand where you are coming from, thanks for the clarification. Like you, I too get tired of the blame placed on women and normally one of the first complaints out of a man's mouth is there was not enough sex and they don't understand because they were such great providers and gave their wives everything. When a man gets consumed with his role to provide and keep his finances all tidy while climbing that career ladder to better himself i think that sometimes the home life gets put on the back-burner, unknowingly.

Another thing too that we have to look at in our relationships is the reason we were attracted this this person or that, what we want from that relationship. Our interactions with others comes will look very similar to our reactions with our family and friends as children. Stop and think about that for a minute. So if you were the protected brother who could do nothing wrong and your mother or sisters excused your poor behavior you never have to be accountable for your actions. If you are the princess sole daughter and daddy doted on you excessively you may believe all men should be the same. If you grow up the scapegoat in the family always trying to win the love an attention of a narcissistic parent it is very likely you will carrying that same need to be loved by those who cannot love you into your relationships. We, many times, choose a mate based on what we know and are comfortable with in the family we are born into and we expect those same actions, reactions and interactions. We may not have always been comfortable at the time we were young with the choices our parents made but it became learned behavior regardless. What we see of our parents and how they react to one another also influences us and so when you get two young people together and they are blinded by love all these factors are hiding right beneath the surface only to show their themselves later, and sometimes it's not very pretty.


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## Seraphim56 (Nov 13, 2016)

:|I would like to thank you for your thoughts. How do you handle the roller-coaster ride of emotions. I can go from OK and hopefulness to total dispire in seconds. I look for something to hold on to and find nothing. That is what I need so desperately right now.

I was brought up to work and provide for my family. I promised to be there regardless. I both loved and desired my wife sexually. I let her know that I found and was attracted to her. What else could or should I have done?

I do not condone what I have read or seen when men have been betrayed by a wife. However I do understand it? You feel so worthless and pathetic, that all you want to do is release the emotion and rid yourself of the pain.

Finally, yes I am alone. I have talked with my Priest and I pray. I have no friends, because that was always seen as a betrayal of the marriage (by her). If I did that I wanted to run women like other men. I was spending time away from her and having illicate fun. Boy, was I a fool.

God help me.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> I do understand where you are coming from, thanks for the clarification. Like you, I too get tired of the blame placed on women and normally one of the first complaints out of a man's mouth is there was not enough sex and they don't understand because they were such great providers and gave their wives everything. When a man gets consumed with his role to provide and keep his finances all tidy while climbing that career ladder to better himself i think that sometimes the home life gets put on the back-burner, unknowingly.
> 
> Perhaps it does, but the understanding that being consumed with roles and finances and climbing the corporate ladder is not often done solely for the benefit of the man, but for his family as well. This is another issue, that I think is often misunderstood. I think in two ways. Number #1 "home life" isn't always going to be ideal and #2 often times these very things allow for whatever home life there is, to be. Most men I know would much rather have a balanced life. I know I did. But being the best father did not allow for some of the financial and monetary rewards that come from climbing the corporate ladder.
> 
> Another thing too that we have to look at in our relationships is the reason we were attracted this this person or that, what we want from that relationship. Our interactions with others comes will look very similar to our reactions with our family and friends as children. Stop and think about that for a minute. So if you were the protected brother who could do nothing wrong and your mother or sisters excused your poor behavior you never have to be accountable for your actions. If you are the princess sole daughter and daddy doted on you excessively you may believe all men should be the same. If you grow up the scapegoat in the family always trying to win the love an attention of a narcissistic parent it is very likely you will carrying that same need to be loved by those who cannot love you into your relationships. We, many times, choose a mate based on what we know and are comfortable with in the family we are born into and we expect those same actions, reactions and interactions. We may not have always been comfortable at the time we were young with the choices our parents made but it became learned behavior regardless. What we see of our parents and how they react to one another also influences us and so when you get two young people together and they are blinded by love all these factors are hiding right beneath the surface only to show their themselves later, and sometimes it's not very pretty.


To expand on this a little more I would add that all those things we think we know, the desires we have and what we expect from a relationship changes as we do ourselves. As you said, you may have grown up a certain way. You may have even attracted a match for that into your life. You start of feeling completely satisfies and happy with the arrangement. But then you grow or learn something new, see a different situation, experience a new scenario and suddenly your wants, needs and desires may change as well. That would include what you want, need or desire from a relationship. Here is where honesty comes into play. Because since you made a vow to another, you have an obligation to be as honest with that person as you are to yourself. The husband who for years, has suffered sexual rejection may not understand that since his wife secretly read "Fifty Shades of Gray", her sexual appetite may have been reawakened or changed. Or, the wife who married a confident self made man, may not understand why he has become a shell of himself trying to appease the expectations of society. It is incumbent upon each of them to honestly share and for the other to listen.

The bottom line is that few businesses would consider themselves successful at communicating were so many blindsided by what transpired. I doubt many of them would just say, those consumers just didn't listen. But if they did, I wouldn't want to do business with them anyways.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> I do understand where you are coming from, thanks for the clarification. Like you, I too get tired of the blame placed on women and normally one of the first complaints out of a man's mouth is there was not enough sex and they don't understand because they were such great providers and gave their wives everything. When a man gets consumed with his role to provide and keep his finances all tidy while climbing that career ladder to better himself i think that sometimes the home life gets put on the back-burner, unknowingly.


Arguing with Ynot is beating your head against the wall, AVR. He is extremely bitter still, though he wont admit it. He has shown some improvement, but his bitterness towards women is apparent. 

I whole heartedly agree with your FIRST post in this thread and was going to write something similar. Women normally just don't suddenly bug out of their marriage out of the clear blue sky for no reason.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Seraphim56 said:


> :|I would like to thank you for your thoughts. How do you handle the roller-coaster ride of emotions. I can go from OK and hopefulness to total dispire in seconds. I look for something to hold on to and find nothing. That is what I need so desperately right now.
> 
> I won't tell you to handle the roller coaster. It is in fact part of the process. Ride it! It is a good thing. It is indicative of the fact that you are a self aware human being. I too, felt as though I were falling into the abyss, desperately looking for a foothold or something to grab onto. You feel desperate because you have given so much of yourself that you gave too much. This is your mind recognizing this. Now it is up to you to learn from that.
> 
> ...


Not to repeat myself too much, but I totally understand. Being alone is also a necessary aspect of your recovery. Embrace it to find your self. When I first got divorced, I was so lonely. I had no friends. The few I did have I moved away from and further isolated myself. You feel as though you are th biggest loser in the world. That no one else has experienced what you are experiencing. But as go forth, you will find many kindred spirits who in fact have gone through exactly what you are now going through (me for instance). Listen to the ones who have moved on, ignore the ones who remain bitter and angry. But most of all take this time to learn to be happy with just yourself. You will never be lonely again, if you do and you will not make the mistake that many do by diving right back into a relationship immediately. The first relationship you need to be involved is the one with yourself.
It has been just over two years for me. After being in a 24 year marriage. I am not completely healed. I do not know if any one is ever completely healed. The person we were before ceases to exist, a new one takes its place. The really cool thing is that now YOU have the freedom to make that new person into someone YOU want to be, rather than be someone your parents, church or society wants you to be. Choose to make that new person the best version of you you can imagine, because truly at this point your imagination is the only thing holding you back.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Arguing with Ynot is beating your head against the wall, AVR. He is extremely bitter still, though he wont admit it. He has shown some improvement, but his bitterness towards women is apparent.
> 
> I whole heartedly agree with your FIRST post in this thread and was going to write something similar. Women normally just don't suddenly bug out of their marriage out of the clear blue sky for no reason.


You should learn to read. Her first post was in response to spottedheaddog, who merely stated the obvious truth. The OP has been mislead his entire life. Apparently so have you. Because no where did I say women "suddenly bug out of their marriage out of the clear blue sky for no reason". If you think I did, then it is no wonder you think I am still bitter. What I said that it is a cop out to claim that the man is to blame for not listening. No one ever questions the real inability of the woman to effectively communicate. Had she so many men wouldn't feel blindsided when they leave. The reality is a break down of communications on both sides (note that is men as well women). For some reason, any man who dares to question the assumption of women as better communicators and keepers of the relationship are just written off as angry and bitter.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ynot said:


> You should learn to read. Her first post was in response to spottedheaddog, who merely stated the obvious truth. The OP has been mislead his entire life. Apparently so have you. Because no where did I say women "*suddenly bug out of their marriage out of the clear blue sky for no reason*". If you think I did, then it is no wonder you think I am still bitter. What I said that it is a cop out to claim that the man is to blame for not listening. No one ever questions the real inability of the woman to effectively communicate. Had she so many men wouldn't feel blindsided when they leave. The reality is a break down of communications on both sides (note that is men as well women). For some reason, any man who dares to question the assumption of women as better communicators and keepers of the relationship are just written off as angry and bitter.


I didn't say you said this. That was my own experience and observation, which agrees with AVR's initial post in the thread.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I didn't say you said this. That was my own experience and observation, which agrees with AVR's initial post in the thread.


Ok, so apparently you think Spottedheaddog wrote it. Because AVRs first post was in response to his. He never said it either. Neither of us said anything remotely similar. It is the classic strawman argument. Once again it is apparent that any man who dares question the assumption that women are better communicators and the keepers of the relationship is an angry bitter man (at least in your mind)


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