# Help me understand



## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

I am a SAHM of 5 kids who still live at home. Two older kids work and have their own lives now. 

We adopted 2 of our kids, and they have Down Syndrome. I have been a SAHM for 21 years and I honestly do not like it. I want a job, a paycheck. 

DH makes good money. Second marriage for both of us. He got his dream job a year ago. I was a foster parent for 8 years and would love to work in a high level residential group home. 

I have few options for daycare during the day. So I compromised and found a job that is taking applications for graveyard midnight to 7.30 am. Tuesdays and Wednesdays off. 

I would come home around 8.30, go to bed at 10, sleep until 4 (kids can handle that easily and I am available for emergencies, works great if the oldest is not working, he is 19) and would still make dinner and hang out with DH in the evening before work. 

DH is pissed and says I should get a hobby instead. Because he says I will burn myself out. 

I can not begin to describe how burnt out I am as a SAHM...truly. 

I thought this was the lowest impact on the family kind of job I could get that would still fulfill my need for a job outside the home. 

SHould I forget it and just get a hobby?


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

forgot to add...this is a job at a group home....


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

The burn out that your husband is talking about is your marraige. You made decisions to adopt two handicapped children and to work outside the home which leaves you little time to spend with him. When he adjust to this and stops caring about spending time with you, your marraige is on the way to being over. When you are single, working outside the home will no longer be at your option as it will become a requirement; make sure that this is what you want while it is still your choice.

It never stops amazing me how many people take their spouses for granted and then wake up and are surprised to discover that their marriage is in trouble.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

TRy said:


> The burn out that your husband is talking about is your marraige. You made decisions to adopt two handicapped children and to work outside the home which leaves you little time to spend with him. When he adjust to this and stops caring about spending time with you, your marraige is on the way to being over. When you are single, working outside the home will no longer be at your option as it will become a requirement; make sure that this is what you want while it is still your choice.
> 
> It never stops amazing me how many people take their spouses for granted and then wake up and are surprised to discover that their marriage is in trouble.



I am not working outside of the home yet. I am putting in an application for this particular job. My time has been spent doing nothing but caring for the kids and spending time with him. How is this taking him for granted? I am still here at home right now, cooking cleaning and running the home while he is at work. And when he comes home to a clean house and a meal we spend time together in the evenings. This would include regular time together on simple dates like dinner out etc.Most of the time I am the one who initiates this, although he does sometimes as well. How am I taking him for granted? The hours of this job would leave me time every night to hang out with him as I always have. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are off completely. 

I appreciate the work he does. I also feel strongly that it is wise for a woman to have the ability to support herself if needed and to keep some kind of career door open in case she would need it. Especially if there are children. Having time to nurture her own needs and desires is in my opinion beneficial to both the marriage and the children, as well as herself. Some women thrive on being a SAHM, some don't. I have always had a really tough time with the isolation that comes with that territory. Now that the kids are quite a bit older, I can fit in a job, imo. We have been looking for someone who wants to trade room and board for some child care hours, but have not found someone suitable yet. When that does happen I can switch to looking for a daytime job. 

I see so many husbands on this board talking about how they want their wives to get a job. I though this was a good thing? I could be wrong. 

I have been trying hard to find the kind of job that would give me the "time away " that I so desperately need while working a job I would really be good at and enjoy. I have been very selective exactly for the reason of balancing everyone else's needs as well. That is why it has taken me so long to find something that looks like it has a possibility of working out. Trust me,I would rather not work graveyard but my choices are somewhat limited due to my age and the fact I have not worked outside the home for a really long time, so that element also factors into a job search. I am hoping that other shifts will come up over time. The job I am looking to apply for is in a field I have always wanted to work in and would be really good at.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think a lot of times what people ask for is not necessarily what they want.

A lot of men on the board ask their wives to go to work, but I think in a lot of those cases, what they are truly saying is "Please appreciate what I do and don't take me for granted and make me out to be just a checkbook."

In my case, I used to plead with my wife to stop working so much and stop spending so much time with her friends and family. Took me a while to articulate that I didn't care about the work or the friends/family, but I wanted her to have something left in the tank for me when she got home.

Maybe your H's "burnout" requests are the same thing. He may be thinking, "She's already tired most of the time, and now she wants to commit to what??"


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I think a lot of times what people ask for is not necessarily what they want.
> 
> A lot of men on the board ask their wives to go to work, but I think in a lot of those cases, what they are truly saying is "Please appreciate what I do and don't take me for granted and make me out to be just a checkbook."
> 
> ...


Very reasonable way to look at this. Very possible indeed. 

The issue is, I am emotionally quite burned out on being the sole caregiver during the day while there is very little that fills my "tank" so speak. It is all "give give give" and consider others. I am fine with giving and caring, but I feel at this point also that I need the social interaction a job would provide, and the mental stimulation of doing a job that is satisfying. As I am sure you understand, caring for a home and children all day can get lonely. For me, I just find it incredibly isolating. 

And he supposedly is fine with me getting a job. Just not this one. I am not sure he understands how limited the job options really are for someone who has no degree and who has not worked out of the home for a very long time. I think me getting back into the work force will in the long run be beneficial for us.. Getting a "hobby" costs money instead of makes money. That, and the occasional here and there "getting out of the house: stuff is nice and has value, It is just not what I would like to do with my life...eventually the kids will be grown and I was hoping to have some kind of job I enjoy doing by then to both fill time and meet my needs for interaction with other adults. I am in my early 40's now....so building that foundation should probably happen sooner rather than later...

His needs and the kid's needs have been placed first our entire marriage. I just would like mine to be considered as well. I though that the hours of this particular job balanced everyone's needs better than others, It is not ideal, but neither is me staying a SAHM who is unhappy being a SAHM full time. 

The way he responded just left me feeling like I can never come up with the kind of job/schedule that is going to meet their needs and his approvalAnd I really do try hard to balance.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

yinyangfan said:


> His needs and the kid's needs have been placed first our entire marriage.


Do you think that your husband would agree with this statement?

I think what is really good is that you know what you want and need. That's a strong position to make decisions out of. Just understand that your view of your marital history probably doesn't match up with his. 

Also, working opposite shifts has contributed to a lot of divorces if you read a bit on this board, so be careful. Talk with your husband. Don't try to find the balance yourself - talk to your H and find the balance together.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Do you think that your husband would agree with this statement?
> 
> I think what is really good is that you know what you want and need. That's a strong position to make decisions out of. Just understand that your view of your marital history probably doesn't match up with his.
> 
> Also, working opposite shifts has contributed to a lot of divorces if you read a bit on this board, so be careful. Talk with your husband. Don't try to find the balance yourself - talk to your H and find the balance together.


We have actually had that discussion in depth. He says that I am meeting his needs. Seriously. I asked what if anything I could do to meet his needs better. He says his needs ARE met. Nothing else he needs. Truth be told...I found that a bit odd.. especially since we have had some arguments that would indicate otherwise.... but I can only go by what he says, and if he is not lying then it looks like our views agree. I actually stated to him that I think things could improve in our marriage, he says everything is just fine. 

Like I said...*shrug*....... trying......

And the kids needs? He says they are being cared for very well...so I would say yes. But I check in with my kids often regarding their needs, so I am fairly confident things in that area are okay. 


Opposite shifts do suck. I weighed that against "unhappy wife" and decided that it is worth seeing if I would feel like I have more to "give" to our relationship if I take some responsibility for my own happiness as well. If that makes sense.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe he doesn't like the idea of you not being in bed with him at night. You need to have more discussions about it, to get to the real truth.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or maybe he's afraid if you get your own money you will leave him.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yinyangfan said:


> The issue is, I am emotionally quite burned out on being the sole caregiver during the day while there is very little that fills my "tank" so speak. It is all "give give give" and consider others. I am fine with giving and caring, but I feel at this point also that I need the social interaction a job would provide, and the mental stimulation of doing a job that is satisfying. As I am sure you understand, caring for a home and children all day can get lonely. For me, I just find it incredibly isolating.


Can you clarify on the job you are trying to get?  I understand it to be in a group home, which seems to be a whole lot of "giving" that would be involved. If that understanding is correct, why is that "giving" desireable while the giving to your family, including the two special needs children that you specifically selected to add to your family, is not desireable.

I think maybe part of the problem I am seeing is that you chose to add this children to your family (which is a wonderful thing) and now want to get away from them. The kids did not chose you. So while I understand that you may have changed your mind, I am having a hard time seeing how this will be fair to them. 

I really am not trying to attack you, just wanting to get a better understanding of the dynamics and thought process.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's a woman thing, TAG. You spend day in, day out, at home, being 'on' for your family, without any adult interaction and without any outside kudos for you as a person or for what you do. Sometimes women just need to get outside that bubble so they can feel like a complete person again.

ETA: Oops - sorry to speak for you, yinyang!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's a woman thing, TAG. You spend day in, day out, at home, being 'on' for your family, without any adult interaction and without any outside kudos for you as a person or for what you do. Sometimes women just need to get outside that bubble so they can feel like a complete person again.
> 
> ETA: Oops - sorry to speak for you, yinyang!


Not sure that is a woman things so much as a stay at home parent thing, but okay. I can certainly see that. Just not sure this was not foreseeable with the adoption of two special needs kids, or how she is not changing in mid-stream for both those kids and the rest of the family. Does not make her wrong, just makes it understandable why the husband is balking.

Perhaps it just comes down to her explaining this to her husband and also explaining what actions can be taken to make sure this works for everyone (and not just her at their expense). Not that they don't need to adjust, but that the adjustment and work does not fall solely on them.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Can you clarify on the job you are trying to get? I understand it to be in a group home, which seems to be a whole lot of "giving" that would be involved. If that understanding is correct, why is that "giving" desireable while the giving to your family, including the two special needs children that you specifically selected to add to your family, is not desireable.
> 
> I think maybe part of the problem I am seeing is that you chose to add this children to your family (which is a wonderful thing) and now want to get away from them. The kids did not chose you. So while I understand that you may have changed your mind, I am having a hard time seeing how this will be fair to them.
> 
> I really am not trying to attack you, just wanting to get a better understanding of the dynamics and thought process.



The job: 

Adult group home/transitional living place for homeless people who have mental health issues. "Upnight" staff. Basically, lots of paperwork, some data entry, and some direct house supervision. My 8 years as a foster parent gave me a lot of experience that these folks are looking for, for some reason. Probably my knowledge of "the system" LOL.

Would it help if I explained I have been a SAHM for 21 years? And that I fully planned to work during my first marriage but was sabotaged in those efforts repeatedly? Even efforts at going to school were messed with. Yes, ex husband was abusive, if that helps for reference. Would it help if I pointed out that the adopted children are NOT the only children in the home, and that when we adopted DH knew full well and agreed that I would return to work once the kids were settled. Keyword "agreed"? Would you say that 3 years home after adoption they might be fairly settled in? So yes, it was absolutely foreseeable. 

When we married (8 years ago) he knew I did not like being a SAHM and was planning on changing that eventually. He has always said he is fine with that. 

So this is not some "lightning on a clear day" situation for my husband at all. Not by any stretch of the imagination. 

Also, I can not stress this enough, the schedule for this job is such that it has the LEAST possible impact on the kids, and I chose that on on purpose. They will be asleep when I work, and once I settle the issues we are currently dealing with regarding the school district special education department, the two kids with special needs should be attending the appropriate school placement and won't be home during the day (which is when I will spend some time sleeping, obviously). The rest of the kids are teens and would truly be fine.They are actually very supportive of me going back to work,we discussed it. 

And as far as DH goes, I am still cooking dinner, still hanging out with him in the evenings as always. He says he doesn't care I won't be in bed at nights a week. THAT is not the issue according to him, but me burning out is. I think there is more going on then he is letting on to, but what I can I say. If that is the case, it is his responsibility to bring any additional stuff up. I do not mind read well. 

Turnera hit the nail on the head, word for word, although i would change the "woman thing" to "stay at home parent". And I think my family will benefit tremendously from me having a job I enjoy. Working graveyard is not forever...although me working day shift would be much tougher on everyone than me being gone nights....

I never said that giving to my family is not desirable. Clearly I would still be doing plenty of giving to them as well. I am not moving out. I am trying to get a job. A job with hours that allow me to give a lot to them still,while also giving myself the opportunity to make the first steps towards a career and some much needed adult interaction. I am not sure why that needs to be described as if I am valuing "giving" to my family less than giving to others. I would just like to do both. Is that really that horrible? I think I would be even better at giving to my family when I get more outside interaction and mental stimulation.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's a woman thing, TAG. You spend day in, day out, at home, being 'on' for your family, without any adult interaction and without any outside kudos for you as a person or for what you do. Sometimes women just need to get outside that bubble so they can feel like a complete person again.
> 
> ETA: Oops - sorry to speak for you, yinyang!


Thank you. You understand. You hit the nail on the head. 

I would add to this as well that I also want a job so I have it in case of emergencies, like DH being unable to work for some reason or him losing his job. Life has a way of throwing crappy curve balls, and it creates a sense of security for me to know that , would something happen to DH's income, we would still have my income. Kids are NOT cheap and in this economy, it makes sense to me.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

yinyangfan, if you feel this strongly about it, maybe you should just do it. 

You sound very firm and it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot that H could say to change your beliefs. You gotta stay true to yourself.

I would urge you to try to find some way to get H's buy in as best you can, because in Love Buster terms, this is one huge "Independent Act" and while it might be necessary for you, it's probably going to hurt your relationship if H is not on board. 

Do what's right for you, it's your life.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Acorn said:


> yinyangfan, if you feel this strongly about it, maybe you should just do it.
> 
> You sound very firm and it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot that H could say to change your beliefs. You gotta stay true to yourself.
> 
> ...


I have decided to go ahead and apply. Doesn't even mean I get the job. Just going to send in a resume and cover letter and see what materializes. 


I hear you on the Love Busters. I really do. You are absolutely right. But I can't keep giving without also getting something I need in return. I told him yesterday that I was more than willing to hear him on his issues with this job, but that I felt that if he was going to knock it, he also needed to participate in brainstorming what we can do together to come up with something that works for BOTH of us and the kids. Things the way they are simply can not continue. Remember that saying :"When mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy?" There is a kernel of truth in that one And we always agreed I would go back to work. 

Our relationship will be no better off if I continue as a SAHM so that everyone can continue to reap the convenience of me not working outside the home, while I feel bored and isolated and unhappy. So...doing the best I can with decision making at this point. Resentment is a real relationship killer too, and him agreeing to me working and then suddenly balking is not helping. I am beginning to feel pretty resentful, considering that I have truly been working my behind off to find a schedule that would impact everyone the least, only to be told that this was apparently not good enough


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

How many nights a week is the job yinyin?
I work full time shifts at the moment ( no weekends or school holidays) but I used to work night shift when the children were little. I worked 3 nights a week for about 3 years. The only thing I would say is that working the night shift takes its toll on you and I was very tired a lot of the time, even when I was able to catch up on my sleep during the day. However I do understand your desire to work and have time away from home so I hope it works out for you. In an ideal world it would be ideal if you could find a job that you could do while the children are at school. With all your experience with children with special needs you could ask at the children's school if there are any positions available.
Good luck
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

yinyangfan said:


> The job:
> 
> Adult group home/transitional living place for homeless people who have mental health issues. "Upnight" staff. Basically, lots of paperwork, some data entry, and some direct house supervision. My 8 years as a foster parent gave me a lot of experience that these folks are looking for, for some reason. Probably my knowledge of "the system" LOL.
> 
> ...


Absolutely all useful information that helps inform the advice you get. Next time, I gently suggesting adding more like this, so you can avoid getting advice that may not be applicable.

As far as giving to your family not being desireable, perhaps I should have said not rewarding or at least not rewarding enough. Not saying it is horrible, just trying to understand. If you honestly feel that doing this job will make you a better parent, then go for it.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> How many nights a week is the job yinyin?
> I work full time shifts at the moment ( no weekends or school holidays) but I used to work night shift when the children were little. I worked 3 nights a week for about 3 years. The only thing I would say is that working the night shift takes its toll on you and I was very tired a lot of the time, even when I was able to catch up on my sleep during the day. However I do understand your desire to work and have time away from home so I hope it works out for you. In an ideal world it would be ideal if you could find a job that you could do while the children are at school. With all your experience with children with special needs you could ask at the children's school if there are any positions available.
> Good luck
> X
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Five days a week. I am willing to at least try and and I am more than willing to call defeat if it does not work out for everyone involved. I do expect to be tired, indeed. Day sleeping is just not the same a good night's sleep, for sure. 

The schools here are laying people off, not hiring. Good idea though!!!I would still need daytime childcare for a job like that, which is not easy to find and pay for with as may kids as I have.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Absolutely all useful information that helps inform the advice you get. Next time, I gently suggesting adding more like this, so you can avoid getting advice that may not be applicable.
> 
> As far as giving to your family not being desireable, perhaps I should have said not rewarding or at least not rewarding enough. Not saying it is horrible, just trying to understand. If you honestly feel that doing this job will make you a better parent, then go for it.



Duly noted on the info And yes, I do feel it will make a better mom, but also I think it will make me a better wife. And THAT is just as important to me. We know from experience I am much happier when I get regular outside interaction with people...


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

yinyangfan said:


> I have decided to go ahead and apply. Doesn't even mean I get the job. Just going to send in a resume and cover letter and see what materializes.


Good for you, sounds like a reasonable step to take.

I know a lot of the things you are saying are very positive and strong as far as your personal growth goes, but I do want to say that as you and your H work through this, you are the one changing the rules. You are the one asking for change, and you are also the one who is effectively strong arming the relationship. This may be what you need to do, but understand a bit if H gets defensive. From his point of view, I can almost guarantee that your acceptance of the marriage as it is for so long meant he was meeting your needs, and even though it makes a lot of sense to you as you post it, he will probably not be where you are and it is not his fault. The key is to get on the same page together, work through it together, and not make it a him vs. me thing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The job , especially the graveyard shift is going to drain you big time. You maybe still at home with him and the family, but your clock and energy is going to be destroyed by the schedule. You'll try to spin all the plates but you'll find yourself getting emotionally drained, and feeling distanced from him and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Good for you, sounds like a reasonable step to take.
> 
> I know a lot of the things you are saying are very positive and strong as far as your personal growth goes, but I do want to say that as you and your H work through this, you are the one changing the rules. You are the one asking for change, and you are also the one who is effectively strong arming the relationship. This may be what you need to do, but understand a bit if H gets defensive. From his point of view, I can almost guarantee that your acceptance of the marriage as it is for so long meant he was meeting your needs, and even though it makes a lot of sense to you as you post it, he will probably not be where you are and it is not his fault. The key is to get on the same page together, work through it together, and not make it a him vs. me thing.


I would also add that this deal you two struck years ago has likely been a big deal to you. Quite possibly the light at the end of the tunnel that helped keep you sane while you got through things. Certainly something you thought about almost every day.

I would guess he rarely thought about it until you recently brought it up. As noted above, he probably thought things were going well, so this was nto something he dwelled on. Because this is so important to you, and very likely not all that important to him, he will likely need some time to get used to it. It is human nature. I hope you two can work together to get through this.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Acorn said:


> Good for you, sounds like a reasonable step to take.
> 
> I know a lot of the things you are saying are very positive and strong as far as your personal growth goes, but I do want to say that as you and your H work through this, you are the one changing the rules. You are the one asking for change, and you are also the one who is effectively strong arming the relationship. This may be what you need to do, but understand a bit if H gets defensive. From his point of view, I can almost guarantee that your acceptance of the marriage as it is for so long meant he was meeting your needs, and even though it makes a lot of sense to you as you post it, he will probably not be where you are and it is not his fault. The key is to get on the same page together, work through it together, and not make it a him vs. me thing.



Absolutely agreed. The rules, however, always included me going back to work. From day one.We have always agreed that this was what would happen. He would be the first one to tell you that he knows this arrangement has never met my needs. I have been very clear about that from well before we married. I understand though, that now that the reality of a job is actually here, it is quite the adjustment for him. Not minimizing that, for sure. And you are right. That WILL require working through that change together. :iagree:


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I would also add that this deal you two struck years ago has likely been a big deal to you. Quite possibly the light at the end of the tunnel that helped keep you sane while you got through things. Certainly something you thought about almost every day.
> 
> I would guess he rarely thought about it until you recently brought it up. As noted above, he probably thought things were going well, so this was nto something he dwelled on. Because this is so important to you, and very likely not all that important to him, he will likely need some time to get used to it. It is human nature. I hope you two can work together to get through this.


Excellent point. You are right on the money to describe it as my light at the end of a tunnel. And you are likely very right about it not being on his radar much until now. :smthumbup:


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Have you asked your 19year old how he feels about the situation?

Kinda cruddy to just spring it on him after you get the 3rd shift job.
"Oh, by the way... You hare now responsible for the siblings (that I was doing & didn't like..) from 10am - 4pm. Sorry.. You don't get to have a life now that I want an outside job."


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> The job , especially the graveyard shift is going to drain you big time. You maybe still at home with him and the family, but your clock and energy is going to be destroyed by the schedule. You'll try to spin all the plates but you'll find yourself getting emotionally drained, and feeling distanced from him and your family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is certainly possibly. It is also quite possibly that I will really enjoy the job and that the way that may energize me will help strike a balance at home. I feel pretty emotionally drained now....In this scenario I would prefer to project some hope instead. Framing things with possibility versus dismal failure feels more helpful to me in making sure I give the job trial a fair chance.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

yinyangfan said:


> Duly noted on the info And yes, I do feel it will make a better mom, but also I think it will make me a better wife. And THAT is just as important to me. We know from experience I am much happier when I get regular outside interaction with people...


 You are dodging the real issue here. The real issue is not you working an outside job. The real issue for your husband is you working graveyard shift. You have said that your husband said that he was fine with you getting a job outside the home "just not this job". He did not want you taking this job because it would require you to work a graveyard shift that means that you will not be sleeping with your husband 5 days a week. That is a big deal to many men and he has expressed that to you. From a male point of view, this loss of intimacy will definitely have a negative impact on your marraige. 

Ignoring his graveyard shift concerns by stating that it is hard for you to find any job does not change the fact that you are putting a strain on your marriage. If it makes you happy, I encourage you to get a job, just not this job. If it takes you longer to fined a normal work week job, so be it. Work at a charity to get out of the house until you find the right job. Your last husband was abusive. Just because this one is not, does not mean that you can ignore his legitimate concerns about you working a graveyard shift.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Have you asked your 19year old how he feels about the situation?
> 
> Kinda cruddy to just spring it on him after you get the 3rd shift job.
> "Oh, by the way... You hare now responsible for the siblings (that I was doing & didn't like..) from 10am - 4pm. Sorry.. You don't get to have a life now that I want an outside job."


 Yikes. That is quite the assumption. It would be cruddy indeed had this been "sprung on him". Yes, we discussed this in detail. He wants very much to do this, especially since he gets paid for it. He needs the money and has the extra time. His new hobby is sky diving (scary!!LOL!!) and he has been very vocal about wanting opportunities to earn extra money to fund this and still pay his regular bills. This works very well for him. He loves his siblings and is a wonderful big brother. They adore him. This is also the kid who insisted that we list him as co-guardian for his siblings in the will. He doesn't seem to feel too taken advantage off.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Good.
Then you've just got to get hubby on board.
Like someone posted earlier.. It might be hard making him accept you not sleeping with him 5 days out of the week.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

TRy said:


> You are dodging the real issue here. The real issue is not you working an outside job. The real issue for your husband is you working graveyard shift. You have said that your husband said that he was fine with you getting a job outside the home "just not this job". He did not want you taking this job because it would require you to work a graveyard shift that means that you will not be sleeping with your husband 5 days a week. That is a big deal to many men and he has expressed that to you. From a male point of view, this loss of intimacy will definitely have a negative impact on your marraige.
> 
> Ignoring his graveyard shift concerns by stating that it is hard for you to find any job does not change the fact that you are putting a strain on your marriage. If it makes you happy, I encourage you to get a job, just not this job. If it takes you longer to fined a normal work week job, so be it. Work at a charity to get out of the house until you find the right job. Your last husband was abusive. Just because this one is not, does not mean that you can ignore his legitimate concerns about you working a graveyard shift.


Clearly you missed the part where I wrote that he stated he does NOT feel upset about me not being home at night. He is saying he is worried I will burn out. When one does not have a degree and has been out of the workplace a long time, letting an opportunity like this pass by may not be the best career move. There are very few 9-5 jobs available in the field that I qualify for. That is just a fact of life. I decided against taking one particular job that would be crazy overtime, including travel, exactly for the benefit of the marriage and the family. I don't just sit around and ignore my husband's concerns. 

As I stated previously, being a SAHM has caused massive burnout and I am actively trying to take steps to remedy this. I am far from the only woman working night shift and making it work pretty well. Several dear friends of mine are doing it and their families and marriages are doing fine. It is not for everyone, but you don't know until you try. 

In a perfect world, a 9-5 job would emerge. It has not. We won't know how this will pan out until I actually get the job and try it for a while. If it ends up looking like it makes things worse, I will quit. Ignoring the possibility that it COULD work is just as unfair. A trial run is not the end of the world, and the possibility for better shifts opening up is definitely there, so it doesn't need to be longterm at all. It is simply a foot in the door of entering the work force. At 43, I need to get started somewhere. 


How would you suggest I pay for daycare while I work for charities for free?


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> Good.
> Then you've just got to get hubby on board.
> Like someone posted earlier.. It might be hard making him accept you not sleeping with him 5 days out of the week.


Truly, he says he is okay with that. If he is being dishonest about that, then that would be on him. I am expecting him to be truthful with me. If he isn't...that is not helpful on his part then. 
We covered it in more than one discussion.

In his first marriage, was only home weekends for their first year together. He commuted to the Bay Area for weekends with his wife, then returned to his job in another state. It is what he had to do to build his career at the time, and he had his work visa through them. They were together for 8 years, and that first year together did not destroy their marriage. Her suffering from BPD and her desire for an open marriage did. So I think he is fairly aware of what night work could mean for us and he has said that part is not an issue for him.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

yinyangfan said:


> Truly, he says he is okay with that. If he is being dishonest about that, then that would be on him. I am expecting him to be truthful with me.


 You may be married to a "Nice Guy" type that puts your happiness over his own. Yes that may be on him, but it does not change the fact that graveyard shift will put a strain on your marraige. I speak with knowledge on this topic because I work in the data center industry which requires 7 by 24 staffing. Graveyard shift has proven difficult for most marriages.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

yinyangfan said:


> In his first marriage, was only home weekends for their first year together. He commuted to the Bay Area for weekends with his wife, then returned to his job in another state. It is what he had to do to build his career at the time, and he had his work visa through them. They were together for 8 years, and that first year together did not destroy their marriage. Her suffering from BPD and her desire for an open marriage did.


 You do not know if the first year apart did not weakened their intimacy such that she was open to seeking it elsewhere later in the marraige.


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## yinyangfan (Nov 9, 2011)

TRy said:


> You do not know if the first year apart did not weakened their intimacy such that she was open to seeking it elsewhere later in the marraige.


DH was the guy she was cheating on her husband with. Seems that this kind of behavior was clearly a pattern. Hope that helps. 

Thanks for the great input everyone. You guys all had a lot of good things to share. I appreciate it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Acorn said:


> you are the one changing the rules. You are the one asking for change, and you are also the one who is effectively strong arming the relationship.


Yes and no. She said that they always agreed she would go back to work. Just not when. 



> From his point of view, I can almost guarantee that your acceptance of the marriage as it is for so long meant he was meeting your needs


Women often don't express themselves enough. But men often don't HEAR the women when they do - thus the plethora of walkaway wives, after the kids are grown.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

turnera said:


> Yes and no. She said that they always agreed she would go back to work. Just not when.
> 
> Women often don't express themselves enough. But men often don't HEAR the women when they do - thus the plethora of walkaway wives, after the kids are grown.


I think women and men, in general, communicate in different ways. So a women feels she has expressed herself repeatedly (a fact that gets confirmation from her girlfriends, becasue they completely understand her), while the man isn't receiving what she is intending to communicate. Merely repeating the communication may not work if the method of communicating does not result in it being received.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yinyangfan said:


> His needs and the kid's needs have been placed first our entire marriage. I just would like mine to be considered as well. I though that the hours of this particular job balanced everyone's needs better than others, It is not ideal, but neither is me staying a SAHM who is unhappy being a SAHM full time.
> 
> The way he responded just left me feeling like I can never come up with the kind of job/schedule that is going to meet their needs and his approvalAnd I really do try hard to balance.


I completely get that you do not want to be a full time SAHM. I also feel that its’ important for a woman to be able to support herself and her family if necessary. Shoot I’m a female, an engineer and the sole support of my family. I get that and am 100% behind you on these things.

You say that you feel that everything has been about your husband and your children. That you have given so much and feel that you are not getting what you need… enough adult interaction for example. I will bet that your husband would also say that he feels that all he has done is given to you and the children all these years. Being the sole support of my family, I certainly understand that he could feel that way.

I wonder if a significant part of your issue with being SAHM is that you do not give enough to yourself. Instead you are always giving to everyone else. One of my concerns about this job you are considering is that you will once again be taking care of people, people who probably will not be giving much back to you either. It will be interesting to see if you get the validation that you need from this. Or if the demands of very needy people will pull you down more. 

I think that your husband’s concern about you burning out on this job is very legitimate. Working graveyard on a regular basis is very hard on the body. Have you looked up the affects it has on the body due to loss of good, night time sleep? Among them are weight gain, increased chance of heart disease and illnesses to the digestive track. 

To me it would make more sense for you to work daytime, the same hours that your husband works. Use day care for the children when they are not in school. Then you, your husband and your children will all be off together. It might be better for you to use your money now to pay for child care and a house keeper once a week … while you build your work exercise.

Look at what your weekends will be like while our husband and children are off. You will get home in the morning and sleep most of the day. Then you will be up and have a few hours in the evening in which you say you will cook, clean and do everything you are doing in a full day right now. Then you will be off to work. 

When are you and your family going to be able to do things together? Your husband basically will not have a wife on the weekends. 

I get exactly what he is saying.


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

Definitely not. I am a SAHM as well but for only 4 years and I already feel I can't take it anymore. You have to find a way to explain to your husband that doing THAT for 21 years IS what's "burning yuu down". You can offer him to be in your shoes for only 2 days, like a full weekend or something, so that he experiences what your life is about all these years.

Don't gove up on what you want, he maybe angry now (I don't think that's the real reasond he's against it by the way), but it will blow over soon. If you are happier, everyone around you will be happier too, including him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you considered a part-time job during the day at which you can bring your kids to a day care there? For instance, my gym has a day care, and the employees can bring their kids while they are working.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Have you considered a part-time job during the day at which you can bring your kids to a day care there? For instance, my gym has a day care, and the employees can bring their kids while they are working.


This is an excellent idea. I have a friend who does this. 
One thing you could do is to work on a degree in some fitness field and become a fitness trainer. It can be a well-paid field. And they have child care built in.

One thing about a career in this field is that it while you work; you are getting your own exercise in and taking care of yourself.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I was thinking similar things to Elegirl. Will this job actually give you the kind if adult interaction you need? I'm sorry if I'm misunderstanding, but you would be the night-time carer for people who need supported accommodation? The only carer? And I'm assuming that the residents would mostly be asleep, unless someone was having a crisis or needed assistance. To me that sounds really lonely and/or stressful.

Are your kids all in school? I think you said the younger two were waiting for places in a suitable school, is that right? if I were you I would be looking for something during school hours. In Australia, lots of schools run before and after school care programs for working parents, is something like that an option? Then maybe your school aged kids could attend the same program. Or your oldest child coukd do the school pick up when necessary. I don't think the gym childcare would work, at least it wouldn't here as those programs are only for pre-school aged children.

Another thing to consider might be a less stressful sounding job, maybe in retail or something, for less hours, while you work on getting some qualifications. In Australia you can start with a year certificate in childcare, welfare work or aged care, get some work in the industry and continue studying.

Working a night shift like that isn't something I could do. But as you say, a trial period won't kill anyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And then, there are always other alternatives BESIDES a job where you can get adult interaction, approval, admiration, affirmation...like volunteering.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The thing is, I DO understand your need to get out of the house. I would have gone crazy if I'd had to stay a SAHM for that long. On the other hand, what you are doing is caled in other parlance Independent Behavior - choosing something that is in direct contrast to what your spouse is comfortable with. And that is something that can be very detrimental to your marriage. ANY big decision in a marriage should be something that both parties agree on to at least an 80% degree.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

On rereading your posts, it sounds like you are hoping this job might be an entry point into a career you feel passionately about, and which will eventually offer better hours and conditions. Not just a job.

If that's the case, then I think you should take it if offered. The only other thing I will say is, is a job share arrangement possible? So you don't have to do all five nights a week straight away? then you could use the extra time to start studying for some relevant qualifications.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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