# Respect in the workplace.



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

How do you keep your coworkers respectful of you at your place of work? What boundaries and expectations do you implement?

I get along with all my coworkers. However, one coworker has become distant. For instance, today he wished other coworkers a happy holiday but not me. And just the other day he said he doesn't talk to me to other workers while I was there. He said it as a joke but we all know many a truth comes out in jest. 

The strange thing is, he has always been the nicest guy. I'm not sure if anything happened between us.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I've stopped thinking that people are nice, if they're not nice to me. lol You might want to ask him if you have done anything to offend him, but if he says 'no,' and then continues to make you feel bad, and say things to others, then I'd keep my distance.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He is playing games and you are letting him get to you.Wish him a very happy Christmas or new year the next time you see him,it will drive him mad.A lot of these "real nice guys"always need someone to victimise and it seems you have been selected.It is a form of bullying but done passive aggressively.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

The crazy thing is, he was always the nicest guy! Very very kind person. The only thing I can think of, was he had to redo something that I thought should be redone. It was not a big deal.... I just suggested it be done a different way. 

I'm trying to take on a strong outlook in life. But just goes to show things still bother me. Oh well. This has happened before to me. It happens to everyone.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

... and yes, his behavior was very passive aggressive.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> ... and yes, his behavior was very passive aggressive.


Passive aggressiveness is the worst form of abuse in my opinion.I have seen it in the workplace and when I did I hit it on the head immediately.It can leave people questioning their own sanity and is very destructive.Do not accept this behaviour and call him out on it as publicly as you can.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> Passive aggressiveness is the worst form of abuse in my opinion.I have seen it in the workplace and when I did I hit it on the head immediately.It can leave people questioning their own sanity and is very destructive.Do not accept this behaviour and call him out on it as publicly as you can.


It's also detrimental to a marriage.
I might have a talk with him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> It's also detrimental to a marriage.
> I might have a talk with him.


If he is under your supervision then I would have more than a "talk"with him.As I said I have seen this behaviour in the workplace and it can undermine anyone.I would tear him a new one.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> The crazy thing is, he was always the nicest guy! Very very kind person. The only thing I can think of, was he had to redo something that I thought should be redone. It was not a big deal.... I just suggested it be done a different way.
> 
> I'm trying to take on a strong outlook in life. But just goes to show things still bother me. Oh well. This has happened before to me. It happens to everyone.


Was he forced to redo it? Did he have any say in the matter?

Everyone wants to feel respected. If he does not feel respected, that is likely to come out, even if in unpleasant ways.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> If he is under your supervision then I would have more than a "talk"with him.As I said I have seen this behaviour in the workplace and it can undermine anyone.*I would tear him a new one*.


I do not think that is a healthy approach, Andy.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

jld said:


> Was he forced to redo it? Did he have any say in the matter?
> 
> Everyone wants to feel respected. If he does not feel respected, that is likely to come out, even if in unpleasant ways.


I didn't force anyone to do anything. I'm no one's boss. The supervisor agreed with me that it should be redone. But it was just a very small redo... very very small. It would not be an issue with anyone. Perhaps it's something else...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I didn't force anyone to do anything. I'm no one's boss. The supervisor agreed with me that it should be redone. But it was just a very small redo... very very small. It would not be an issue with anyone. Perhaps it's something else...


He may have taken it personally, that he was wrong and had to redo it. Some people are very sensitive that way.

If I were you, I would approach him respectfully, but directly. "X, it seems like you are not very happy with me, and I am wondering if it is because of that project our supervisor asked you to redo."


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

jld said:


> He may have taken it personally, that he was wrong and had to redo it. Some people are very sensitive that way.
> 
> If I were you, I would approach him respectfully, but directly. "X, it seems like you are not very happy with me, and I am wondering if it is because of that project our supervisor asked you to redo."


I'm probably going to say "hey X, have i offended you in anyway?" And see what he says.
But he has offended me! lol By his joke and you don't say a joke like he did without really meaning it inside... Not sure if I wrote it clearly above.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> I do not think that is a healthy approach, Andy.


I have always hated bullies and the worst type are backstabbing passive aggressives who can destroy someone's life while still appearing to everyone outside their hate zone as nice guys.I have seen gifted individuals reduced to tears by this type of behaviour and when I ran installations I would not tolerate it.They got one warning and then they were out.I put the mental and physical health of my staff at a premium.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I'm probably going to say "hey X, have i offended you in anyway?" And see what he says.
> But he has offended me! lol By his joke and you don't say a joke like he did without really meaning it inside... Not sure if I wrote it clearly above.


I hear you, and you certainly need to make your own decision on how to approach him. My guess, though, is that he is going to put his hurt before your hurt. You may need to show empathy before you receive any. Jmo.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> I have always hated bullies and the worst type are backstabbing passive aggressives who can destroy someone's life while still appearing to everyone outside their hate zone as nice guys.I have seen gifted individuals reduced to tears by this type of behaviour and when I ran installations I would not tolerate it.They got one warning and then they were out.I put the mental and physical health of my staff at a premium.


I certainly agree that bullies are bad news. Problem is, bullies sometimes see themselves as being bullied. It can all be in the eye of the beholder.

These two men are at an equal level. I think approaching him with respect and empathy is going to go farther than trying to make any kind of power play.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

jld said:


> I hear you, and you certainly need to make your own decision on how to approach him. My guess, though, is that he is going to put his hurt before your hurt. You may need to show empathy before you receive any. Jmo.


I'm very empathetic.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I'm very empathetic.


Good. Then he may feel that, and be willing to open up to you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This man doesn't exactly sound like a Bully...you ought to hear some stories about my husband's boss.. now there is a BULLY... I have read some articles on abuse in the workplace due to some of the sh** he has to deal with... His boss fits the profile.. he came home last week wishing the man was dead.. but ya know what.. sometimes life is hard.. he's still thankful for his job - so he'll suck it up.. 

I think this man's feelings were hurt.. he's acting out.. sure it's a "weak man's" way of handling things...not everyone is Mr Alpha ....but still you are bothered by his pushing away... it's like our bodies coming down with a fever or pain.. we recognize something is wrong.. so we seek to undercover what it is.. it's the same in relationships, co-workers.. whatever...

Just my 2 cents here..if you like this guy, if you feel you had any part in the downfall.. small as it is.. this Redo... just go to him...as @jld suggested... open the conversation up.. many times men use *humor* to deal with each other.. figure out a way to approach it..

If you just ask about being offended -he may continue to deny it.. as it may sound "petty" coming from his own mouth.. people can be funny like that...depends on how straight forward someone is.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This man doesn't exactly sound like a Bully...you ought to hear some stories about my husband's boss.. now there is a BULLY... I have read some articles on abuse in the workplace due to some of the sh** he has to deal with... His boss fits the profile.. he came home last week wishing the man was dead.. but ya know what.. sometimes life is hard.. he's still thankful for his job - so he'll suck it up..
> 
> I think this man's feelings were hurt.. he's acting out.. sure it's a "weak man's" way of handling things...not everyone is Mr Alpha ....but still you are bothered by his pushing away... it's like our bodies coming down with a fever or pain.. we recognize something is wrong.. so we seek to undercover what it is.. it's the same in relationships, co-workers.. whatever...
> 
> ...


I agree. Make it safe (not embarrassing) for him to express his feelings.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I'm probably going to say "hey X, have i offended you in anyway?" And see what he says.
> But he has offended me! lol By his joke and you don't say a joke like he did without really meaning it inside... Not sure if I wrote it clearly above.


I think this is a good approach to it. You can speculate all you like, but you may just get a straight forward answer if you just flat out ask. Or you may not. Who knows until you try. 

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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> I certainly agree that bullies are bad news. Problem is, bullies sometimes see themselves as being bullied. It can all be in the eye of the beholder.
> 
> These two men are at an equal level. I think approaching him with respect and empathy is going to go farther than trying to make any kind of power play.


It depends on the environment.If this is an office situation then maybe having a quiet word is the way forward.However if this is an all male environment,maybe a construction project, then a quick kick in the ass goes a long way.Jld,men look at these things differently than women and if you lose the respect of your colleagues because of some ******* it is very hard to regain it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> It depends on the environment.If this is an office situation then maybe having a quiet word is the way forward.However if this is an all male environment,maybe a construction project, then a quick kick in the ass goes a long way.Jld,men look at these things differently than women and if you lose the respect of your colleagues because of some ******* it is very hard to regain it.


How can he pull rank, though, if he does not have it? A kick from him is likely just going to lead to another kick back from the other guy.

Andy, respect is not an external thing. People whose respect is worth having do not give it out because they have been forced or frightened into it. They give respect to people who have earned their respect. And earning respect usually has a lot to do with showing empathy and having genuinely good, helpful ideas.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I provide tech support to k-12 schools. My main school & the one I graduated from; I’ve been there 17 years now; well there are two teachers that have never spoken to me in any way. I’ve been in their room on support requests and all I get from “Is this a good time for XXXX” is a wave of their hand to their computer. Am I bother by this, NO, I make a point of greeting them with a sincere smile & wish them a good day when I see them. I do not care what is up with them; I can do a good job either way. People are weird & my goal is to earn the respect of the many. 

This last June a closer coworker stopped talking to me at all when I was forced to take a promotion I had been turning down folr years. As I need to work closely with this gal I confronted her. (Gently) as a new boss she was afraid I was going to force her to do work that she did not feel qualified for; AKA fear. 

I hope this is helpful


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jld said:


> How can he pull rank, though, if he does not have it? A kick from him is likely just going to lead to another kick back from the other guy.
> 
> Andy, respect is not an external thing. People whose respect is worth having do not give it out because they have been forced or frightened into it. They give respect to people who have earned their respect. And earning respect usually has a lot to do with showing empathy and having genuinely good, helpful ideas.


With the greatest of respect I disagree with you on this point.If you use your analogy in a school situation then as a teacher were you expected to earn the respect of your students or did you expect respect as an automatic right.I was a lot younger than the people under me when I did some onsite installations and some guys thought they could "mess"with the kid.I put them right very quickly and if it escalated I was more than willing to oblige.You let people know how you expect to be treated and treat them accordingly.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

People usually reap what they sow, I've seen that happen. Keeping your distance if you haven't done anything wrong to offend him, is the best thing. And eventually his nonsense will cross the wrong person. We can't change people, only how we react to them (or don't react)


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

There is respect and there is respect...

The UX lab has a whiteboard which contains rather bad jokes directed towards everyone. It's generally in Letterman top ten list format and involves all the UX lab team and our main contacts outside.

It requires pretty tough skin . Yet we're all friends, never mind they for the most part report to me. We respect each other in terms of work, but it's open season for pranks and jokes otherwise.

The lab's Halloween and Christmas decorations are company legends... Last Halloween one empty cubicle featured a life-size skeleton named after a dear colleague who left the company. 

Let's hope HR doesn't hear about it.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I dunno...unless this guy is your employee or your supervisor (sounds like both are a no?) Then I would just let it go. 

I don't give two sh!ts who likes me or doesn't like me within my company. I'm there to do a job and do it well, not worry about making friends. I find that I am very polarizing...either you like me, or you hate me. For those who hate me, I have no ill will toward them and also no desire to change their mind. I don't expect everyone to like me nor do I strive for it. I don't even pay those people any attention. 

Keep your head down, do your job, be polite but distant to this guy, ignore any comments he makes. Eventually he'll run out of ammunition and move on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> With the greatest of respect I disagree with you on this point.If you use your analogy in a school situation then as a teacher were you expected to earn the respect of your students or did you expect respect as an automatic right.I was a lot younger than the people under me when I did some onsite installations and some guys thought they could "mess"with the kid.I put them right very quickly and if it escalated I was more than willing to oblige.You let people know how you expect to be treated and treat them accordingly.


I had authority from the school, Andy. But that did not make the kids respect me. If they respected me, it was because they thought I knew my subject matter, and I connected with them in some way. I had to earn that respect, that trust.

I respect you, too. It is partly because you are gifted in an area that I respect (technology), and partly because even though you are gifted, you are not arrogant about it. In fact, you seem straightforward and unpretentious. Sadly, that is not common.

I particularly like how you try to encourage my friend @SimplyAmorous when she feels unjustifiably down about herself. She is a great gal, very open and honest. Her genuineness is a gift, and cannot be bought. I think you see the value of that.

I also like that you want your gf to be a sahm, and that you see the value of homeschooling. 

You have good values, Andy. I think you will earn her trust. You are worth her trust. And you know that has nothing to do with money.

Okay, last word of affirmation for tonight: You are a good man, Andy. You are a not a perfect man. But you are a good man. And you are going to be a good father, and a good husband. And the woman you are marrying is a good woman. And she has a good life ahead of her.


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## carpito (Dec 23, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> I've stopped thinking that people are nice, if they're not nice to me. lol You might want to ask him if you have done anything to offend him, but if he says 'no,' and then continues to make you feel bad, and say things to others, then I'd keep my distance.




No one is nice at work. Esp if u good at what u do. They will hate u for getting promotions also


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

jld said:


> In fact, you seem straightforward and unpretentious. *Sadly, that is not common*.


It is in Australia.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

What I'm learning currently in my job us that one person's assertiveness is another one's aggression. The worst is working for a superior who views you as a threat especially if that person lacks integrity or morals. If this is a coworker at the same level as you, open the disagreement with an open discussion but if he's resistant than I'll leave it alone. We don't have to like each other to work together as long as there is mutual respect. 

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In the immortal words of the beloved General Manager of an oilfield manufacturing company that I worked as a Marketing Administration Mgr. for right out of college, if told that some subordinate was playing mind games with peers and/or supervisors on the job ~ "No problem! Fire their a$$!" And if he got enough confirmation that a manager of his was acting that way, their a$$ was soon departed!

His rationale was greatly that the Company had absolutely no time budgeted for any horse-crap mind games ~ as "time was money!"

Why we weren't even allowed to date or marry another employee! If that ever happened, one of the involved employees had to resign!

We were paid well! But we knew to treat all of our subordinates, peers, and supervisors with dignity and respect!*


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Ok. So lets get this all out there.

There are certain people you can joke with and others you cannot.

Sounds like you ended up on his "do not joke with" list.

That is cool. Move on. It was an awkward moment, not a workplace harassment case. 


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Reads like you have been checking his work hoping to find something you can bring to the boss to make his work look inferior to yours because you haven't gotten the recognition you believe you deserve. 

In return, he or she is hurt because something was changed that didn't necessarily have to be, but due to your verbal skills and gregarious personality, the supervisor was convinced it was worth the expense to change whatever it was. 

This type of thing sets back the development of a job and could easily cause it to miss it's expected completion date. 

I'm guessing the guy must have talked with you about what he was doing in confidence, and you then took your idea to the supervisor to get credit for it. 

Yeah, I can understand why the guy is wary of talking with you or even saying hello. He doesn't have the social skills you do. 

That's my take on it. Sorry for being opposite to others and controversial for you.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

I'm wondering the issue my coworker has with me is because I am the only worker of a particular race among them. They are all the same race and I am another. Could it possibly be the reason??


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I came to this place to understand all the strange thoughts and impulses that hit me at 44; mid life crisis.

I read many of the books recommended on the pages of this forum. One of them “His needs her needs” talked about a love bank.

I believe that respect works on a similar model. I and others judge based on your respect saving & withdrawing patterns.


Hell I even go as far as to suspect that we each have different languages of respect. These could vary based on race (or more specificity culture)


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I'm wondering the issue my coworker has with me is because I am the only worker of a particular race among them. They are all the same race and I am another. Could it possibly be the reason??


I certainly hope not. Again, you can speculate until you're blue in the face. If it bothers you that much, just try to ask him.

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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

just the part of him saying "oh I don't talk to you" at the meeting... very disrespectful. I've been through this crap before. I know I can't base my self worth on that stupidity. I know I am very intelligent, capable, educated and have a whole grasp of skills they can't touch.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

I probably offend my coworkers regularly without knowing it. I work daily with people from different countries via email, instant messaging, chatter, etc... It is hard not to possibly offend someone. The issue is what you do when you become aware of it.

Yesterday, I had a question for one of my colleagues in Brazil and saw that he was available on Instant Message. I started my message by "Hi M.., ready for Christmas?". He typically answers slowly by saying Hi first. This time I got the answer right away: "I don't celebrate Christmas."

I may be reading too much into the answer, but based on some of the exchanges from the past few weeks, I sensed he may have been offended. It is probably not about me, but likely about the church. Being of Portuguese origin, he may have suffered from Catholic or some Christian churches. Who knows.

I will see him face to face in January and will talk to him about that during one of our many waiting in the airport times.

Communication is very tricky. It is easier and yet much more complex compared to 20 years ago. There are more communication channels but globalization can make intercultural communication a challenge.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If that's an offense worthy item for him or a perceived possible offense worthy item for you, Dug, I wonder how sheltered your lives have been...


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Today things went pretty well with the coworker and myself. He was friendly, especially since I have him something for his headache.

But there is an issue "Mr.StrongMan" has to work on. That is, his meekness and indecisiveness sometimes. Sometimes I come across as indecisive. It annoyed my supervisor today.
I have to eliminate any vibe of weakness I give off. Nobody likes to work with someone who comes across as weak, especially when they know the person is intelligent.
No more weakness....


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I have one coworker I keep at arms length. This person has a ton of personal hangups involving food, driving, sociability :crazy: and people are always pandering to this person and entire team outings have been changed to accommodate this one person. I can actually see through the niceness facade and see a very selfish person. This person also cannot take a joke...I tried once and was met with a pretty vitriolic response. So I simply say my hello's, goodbye's, thank you's for any assistance, and leave it at that. The rest of my coworkers, well, we have a good time with each other....:toast:


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Today my nervous fast talking neurotic side came out. I worry it made me look bad among two coworkers. I really have to be cool. I can be cool and confident. But sometimes I can be so strange! I really have to be on my best behavior to make up for my strange behavior today. I know I can.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> I didn't force anyone to do anything. I'm no one's boss. The supervisor agreed with me that it should be redone. But it was just a very small redo... very very small. It would not be an issue with anyone. Perhaps it's something else...


 @MrsTrongMan 

Is it it be possible that what you did could have been perceived by your colleague as you sucking up to the boss, currying favour and ratting your colleague out?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> I probably offend my coworkers regularly without knowing it. I work daily with people from different countries via email, instant messaging, chatter, etc... It is hard not to possibly offend someone. The issue is what you do when you become aware of it.
> 
> Yesterday, I had a question for one of my colleagues in Brazil and saw that he was available on Instant Message. I started my message by "Hi M.., ready for Christmas?". He typically answers slowly by saying Hi first. This time I got the answer right away: "I don't celebrate Christmas."
> 
> ...


My reply to him would have been: "But that wasn't my question. I didn't ask if you celebrated Christmas, I asked if you were ready for it?"


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> How do you keep your coworkers respectful of you at your place of work? What boundaries and expectations do you implement?
> 
> I get along with all my coworkers. However, one coworker has become distant. For instance, today he wished other coworkers a happy holiday but not me. And just the other day he said he doesn't talk to me to other workers while I was there. He said it as a joke but we all know many a truth comes out in jest.
> 
> The strange thing is, he has always been the nicest guy. I'm not sure if anything happened between us.


Im not sure what kind of workplace your talking about....but i think this applies to most (my area is Industrial % Gov't construction)...

Respect is earned. It is earned by consistantly demonstrating high standards of craftsmanship, knowledge of both your job and the jobs of those around you. Demanding high standards for yourself and everyone around you...constantly teaching those under you the skills they will require to exceed you...expect them to our perform you...make your expectations s of this and everything else crystal clear. Understand that, all things being equal, everyone is doing their best and though they may fail from time to time...having their back..when they do...will ensure not only their respect but their loyalty. 

This has worked for me


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## carpito (Dec 23, 2016)

Let him be. We are all adults u can't beg anyone to be cool


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> Im not sure what kind of workplace your talking about....but i think this applies to most (my area is Industrial % Gov't construction)...
> 
> Respect is earned. It is earned by consistantly demonstrating high standards of craftsmanship, knowledge of both your job and the jobs of those around you. Demanding high standards for yourself and everyone around you...constantly teaching those under you the skills they will require to exceed you...expect them to our perform you...make your expectations s of this and everything else crystal clear. Understand that, all things being equal, everyone is doing their best and though they may fail from time to time...having their back..when they do...will ensure not only their respect but their loyalty.
> 
> This has worked for me


I am with you. I think respect at home is somewhat bestowed but at work must be earned. Personally something like this wouldn't bother me at all. As a supervisor I do occasionally get people talking behind my back or another supervisors back. This needs to be dealt with straight away and I generally just pull them aside and say this is what I heard tell me now what the problem is. Yes I could embarrass them infront of their peers but to what end?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Closed.


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