# She doesn't know what is happening to me...



## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Our separation is coming up on two months. She is still not talking to me about anything of consequence. We did spend Thanksgiving together as a family, which was nice. But she refuses to believe that the changes taking place in me are real and substantial. She thinks I am just playing around and will go back to being who I was before. Not possible. There's no turning back.

Sigh. I have to just keep praying for her and wait until she is ready to forgive me. Once that happens we can start talking about real stuff again. Patience. Lots and lots of patience.

This Christmas is going to suck royally.

PJ


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

*Philjohnson*--I can understand why you're so upset! Stay strong, and be patient. Let her be by herself for a while, if that's what she feels she wants. She'll talk with you when she's ready.

Two months isn't really a long time to be separated. Hell, it's been almost 2 months since I moved out of the place my husband and I shared, and I'm still having trouble sleeping at night. It may take your wife a while longer to come to grips with the history of your relationship, especially whatever her role in its weakening was. 

Maybe not having her around for the holidays could turn out to be a good thing. Could you take a small trip over Christmas and New Years? Going somewhere beautiful and exciting by yourself can be a wonderful experience. Or maybe there are things you've always wanted to do for the holidays that she always opposed. Well, you get to do things your way now. 

If you don't mind sharing this with all of us who read these boards--what reasons did your wife give for leaving you? And what sorts of changes have you been working on making?

Best of luck to you.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Yea, it's been about 5 weeks for me and it seems like a lifetime. Just last night I realized I was sleeping on my corner of the bed and leaving the rest, where she used to sleep, empty...couldn't get back to sleep after that.

She says I want her back because I'm afraid of change...well, change has happened whether I wanted it or not, now it's up to me to make the best of it--with her (I hope) or without her. I'm not moving forward, but I'm not standing still either.

Whenever I feel the stress overwhelming, I go down and workout for an hour...works for me!

As for Christmas, I'm devoting it to my kids, and trying to find the special gift for my wife that proves that I get it now...I know how fragile love and marriage is!

Best of luck to you!


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

Thanks for your support.

What did I do? I moved from one dysfunction to another, all the while denying the pain that caused my dysfunction. 

First it was acting out with pornography. Then it was borderline personality disorder. Toss in an unhealthy helping of narcissism and "I will defend myself to the death" behavior and you have the makings of a confused marriage where my wife had the life sucked out of her.

I have made small changes over the past years, getting better as I go, but the situation became untenable for her. My emotional dependency on her wouldn't allow her to be who she is.

I have gotten MUCH better in the past seven weeks as I am recommitted to God and doing healthy things physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Problem is, she doesn't believe it. And she can't because that would mean that she'll have to risk again. And of course, she doesn't see the change because she isn't around to see it.

My kids see it BIG time. So do my friends. And my counselor. They say that I am totally different, laser-focused on getting healthy. 

But part of being healthy means allowing her space and time to do what she needs to do. I can't control her and I shouldn't try.

It's my prayer that she will begin to see things that make her go hmmmm... Until then, I remain faithful and committed. I love her so much and can't wait for the opportunity to show her again.

As for the bed, I still sleep on the same side cuddled up to a body pillow. I'll not move to her side of the bed. She'll be back in it one day. 

PJ


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

yea, her side of the bed is still her side...

I'm addicted to beer, and it will take time to win her trust back and prove my love for her is more important...

We both need to make changes, and can't see the changes being made while apart, but hopefully, that is where the building trust part comes in...

Whats hard, is my job (teaching) depends upon timelines...quarters, grade checks, we get a task to do it and a certain date to get it done by...this waiting game with no endline is killing me...I want to see progress now!!!


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## philjohnson (Nov 3, 2010)

I struggled last night. Found out she isn't happy renting the condo she is in. She wants to buy a place of her own and wants me to co-sign on it. She says it will be half the price for a payment and she is right. She says it makes wise sense as an investment and that when she feels ready to move towards reconciliation that we will look for a place together.

She has never lied to me about anything. But she is making this decision without first beginning to receive her healing. 

Is she on a flight of fancy? Do I just give her whatever she wants and trust the God will make all things right? 

My hope has been that as the holidays continue and she feels the loss of family, that her heart will be drawn towards that which she longs for. It hurts, for sure.

I do have to praise God though. He keeps meeting me where I am and touching my heart to bring relief from the pain. I am starting to realize that the pain is a tearing away of that which is unhealthy in me... an emotional dependency on my wife. God wants me to depend on Him alone to meet my deepest needs. And sure enough He is proving Himself faithful. It's just so hard to move past the pain in prayer to offer it up to Him.

Sigh... this life is a marathon race, not a sprint.

PJ


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