# From marriage ultimatum to frivolous litigation



## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

My ex girlfriend gave me relentless marriage ultimatums that began 5 months after we started dating. I explained to her that I had been married before and that I just wanted to take things slow, build trust, and lay a solid foundation for a sturdy, stable, successful relationship. I told her I loved her very much and that I wanted to remain exclusive, enjoy our dating process, meet the necessary criteria that would lead to engagement and marriage. She was too old to have any more children so I don't understand why she had her foot all the way down on the gas peddle wanting to move at lightening speed. My gut instinct told me that she just wanted to get married and that I was just an object as a means to an end. I tried to communicate with her but she would rage into these fits.:scratchhead: She would back off for a couple weeks and then start in again with snide comments which would lead to setbacks in our growth process.

Then end of my story is tragic. She enters into a smear campaign with one of my best friends, seduces him and breaks up with me. At this point, I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I buy her the ring and propose to her explaining to her that there is no pressure but I love her and am ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Without warning, the next day, the police call me to tell me to leave her alone. Since that call from the police, I never bothered her again. However, it did not stop her from filing a restraining order on me. I maintained no contact during that time all the way to the hearing which was 3 months later. During those 3 months, she tried to reach out to me to get me to violate the restraining order. Luckily I saved all her emails professing her undying love for me and proof that she perjured herself in court. The judge threw out the restraining order but I have been traumatized by this ever since. She claimed all kinds of vindictive things in court that were proven false. When the judge ruled in my favor, she broke down in tears fearing for her safety. She is no longer with my ex friend but has quickly moved a new guy in to live with her. I am in therapy right now but still am in so much pain.

The experience of seeing her love me so much to hating me so much has me so confused. Why she would want to hurt me legally is beyond comprehension. 

Please keep in mind that the moment the police called me, I forever left her alone with no contact. To the contrary she proceeded with the restraining order and tried to reach out to me to violate the order and still presented herself as the victim in need of protection. I don't have a mean streak in my body and have no respect for people to abuse others to control them. I paid my attorney over 2K in attorney fees to defend my character. This is the woman who wanted to marry me. How am I suppose to understand all this?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

not easy to understand crazy


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She's nucking futz (no offense to the forum member of the same name). Stop trying to understand her. Consider taking out a RO against her, if you need to in order to help you heal. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

One of the purposes of Cheaterville that's usually mentioned is the effect it has of warning potential future victims of what they may expect if they get involved with this person.

Maybe there's a need for a Batsh*tcrazyville or a MoreRedFlagsThanAMayDayParadeInLeningradVille.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Bat sh*t crazy. 

Stop trying to rationalize her behavior and understand why she did it. Logic and "making sense of it" are off the table when dealing with nut jobs.

Better to have seen her true colors BEFORE you married her.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This gets thrown around a lot on TAM but possible BPD (borderline personality disorder)? In extreme cases, these people go from loving you to obsessively hating you almost overnight.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, how long was it between the "relentless ultimatums" and the RO? Seriously, the first ultimatum was your cue to say "Check, please!" and move on to the next. 

How old are you two?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The crazy ones are always awesome in the sack though, am I right?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?


Dude! You dodged an incredible bullet to avoid hitching yourself to this particular wagon (aka roller coaster). Don't feel guilty, be grateful!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?


That would have back fired. Friend, you dodged a bullet. Be thankful it's over.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

We are both in our early 50's. Yes, I realize I'm old enough to know better. However, I do have codependent tendencies, people pleaser type with obvious weak boundaries. She was convincing early on and yes, she was great in the sack. She is very functional to the outside world but these actions that I experienced just don't add up. She never even warned me to leave her alone or else.... I was blind sided. She said marry me ,I know you are the perfect partner for me. If you read all her love emails, you would have a hard time believing this is the same woman that needed protection from me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Trust me. I'd believe pretty much any nutty behavior you say she did. 

Heal yourself before you try any more relationships. You'll find yourself a magnet for more pain, if you don't. Are you (or were you) in counseling at the time this was all going done? I'm curious what a professional would have advised you upon the first "marry me or else" ultimatum 5 months in. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And look up a user in here called Uptown. My guess is your ex had a significant personality disorder, and he's been a fount of information on BPD, which is my first guess. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't know if this will help but my father once told me about the serious girlfriend he had before he met my mom. He was her first and according to him things got a little rough, which she seemed to like. The next day she must have felt guilty because she went around telling everyone he raped her; her father/brothers/brothers friends all went looking for him as that's what you did back then. He had wanted to marry her but after that realized she was crazy and cut her off, and met my mom soon after that. When ex gf found out he was getting married she showed up on his doorstep and cried/begged him not to marry my mom and to marry her. All this after a smear campaign where he violently raped her. He told me he had loved her but how could he ever trust her with anything after all of that? Crazy happens.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> We are both in our early 50's. Yes, I realize I'm old enough to know better. However, I do have codependent tendencies, people pleaser type with obvious weak boundaries. She was convincing early on and yes, she was great in the sack. She is very functional to the outside world but these actions that I experienced just don't add up. She never even warned me to leave her alone or else.... I was blind sided. She said marry me ,I know you are the perfect partner for me. If you read all her love emails, you would have a hard time believing this is the same woman that needed protection from me.


Hon, I'm sure you're old enough to know this but never, ever, ever, ever make long term decisions based on how good she is in the sack. This is a common issue with men, they choose a partner based on how hot she is and how good in bed she is. It is one consideration but there are others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> We are both in our early 50's. Yes, I realize I'm old enough to know better. However, I do have *codependent tendencies*, people pleaser type with *obvious weak boundaries*. She was convincing early on and yes, she was great in the sack. She is very functional to the outside world but these actions that I experienced just don't add up. She never even warned me to leave her alone or else.... I was blind sided. She said marry me ,I know you are the perfect partner for me. If you read all her love emails, you would have a hard time believing this is the same woman that needed protection from me.


She's nuts, so stop trying to figure her out. People who are nuts are unpredictable and do a lot of things that make no sense.

She goes on a campaign to smear your name and hooks up with your best friend. What's your reaction to that? You buy her a ring and ask her to marry you? Really? That's your reaction to her so completely back stabbing you?
I suggest that you go to counseling and do a lot of reading on co dependency and setting boundaries. You are not in a good place at all for a relationship.



goldstandard said:


> My ex girlfriend gave me relentless marriage ultimatums that began 5 months after we started dating.


A person who is emotionally healthy would have dropped her with the first or second time she did this. Someone giving ultimatums for marriage at 5 months of dating is a bunny boiler. Avoid bunny boilers at all cost.

Stop going over how crazy she was and fix yourself so that you can learn from this experience and move on to a healthy relationship in a few months.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?


Why would you think that?

Dude, you should get some help. It's not a healthy view in light of what happened.

Like everyone else is telling you, you dodged a HUGE bullet, so there's absolutely no reason for you to feel even remotely guilty.

Ya, after the ring it would have been even worse. WAY worse.

You're very lucky.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thanks for your responses. I am in therapy and working on my codependent issues and strengthening my boundaries. I should have walked away after the first ultimatum. I don't know why I am still struggling. She had me on such a high pedestal. I kind of knew it was her fantasy and MINE TOO. I even told her that I am not perfect but human with plenty of faults and quit thinking I am high and mighty. She said, nonsense, I am perfect FOR HER. I have to admit, it was intoxicating. Then I get knocked off the pedestal. I know I am not emotionally healthy right now but I am working on myself, exercising every day, eating healthy, and keeping life simple right now and going to therapy. The therapist suspects she is borderline but cant make an official diagnosis without seeing her. I guess the fact that I cant get closure is what keeps me stuck. Never an explanation from either her nor my ex friend. I have always remained no contact. No empathy from either one of them. I hope the day comes that I can look back on all this and realize how lucky I am to have dodged a bullet. As it is right now, my self esteem needs major repair.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It is true that the lack of a ring will p!ss off a good woman as she begins to realize.that your commitment ends at what many call a piece of paper. But that happens after getting jerked around for years.....5 months is just ridiculous. You dodged a bullet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> She had me on such a high pedestal. *I kind of knew it was her fantasy and MINE TOO.* I even told her that I am not perfect but human with plenty of faults and quit thinking I am high and mighty. She said, nonsense, I am perfect FOR HER. I have to admit, it was intoxicating. Then I get knocked off the pedestal.


You are replaying the "perfect" relationship, _which never actually existed_, over and over in your mind. You are rewriting the history of the relationship, idealizing it rather than accepting the reality of it -- that she's nuts and you're codependent. A very unhealthy dynamic for both of you. 

Again, be glad you dodged the bullet.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> Thanks for your responses. I am in therapy and working on my codependent issues and strengthening my boundaries. I should have walked away after the first ultimatum. I don't know why I am still struggling. She had me on such a high pedestal. I kind of knew it was her fantasy and MINE TOO. I even told her that I am not perfect but human with plenty of faults and quit thinking I am high and mighty. She said, nonsense, I am perfect FOR HER. I have to admit, it was intoxicating.


So what you are saying is that she’s a good manipulator and you ate it up. As you grow thorough therapy you will find these kinds of exaggerated complements to be red flags.




goldstandard said:


> The therapist suspects she is borderline but cant make an official diagnosis without seeing her.


I have a very hard time with a therapist who puts a label on someone they have not met. This is completely not useful to you. A lot of bad behavior is just that, bad behavior and not personality/borderline personality. The only thing you need to concern yourself with is that she’s crazy, a huge manipulator and you are sooooo lucky that she’s out of your life.


goldstandard said:


> I guess the fact that I cant get closure is what keeps me stuck. Never an explanation from either her nor my ex friend. I have always remained no contact. No empathy from either one of them. I hope the day comes that I can look back on all this and realize how lucky I am to have dodged a bullet. As it is right now, my self esteem needs major repair.


There is an idea these days that people need closure. Got news for you. Closure beyond what you already have does not exist. Even if you talked to them and hey gave you empathy and explained why they stabbed you in the back, it will not make you feel any better and might just make you feel a lot worse.

You have something much better than ‘closure’ and it’s the facts. She is crazy and a manipulator. She loves herself only and she saw you as a patsy that she could use. Once she felt that you were not as easy to manipulate as she hoped, she turned to your best friend. She poured the same shower of attention on him. AS it turned out he is not really your friend. He was more than glad to screw you over to get a chance with her and to hear her tell him sweet nothings. 

So you have the facts… she’s a crazy user who dumped you. Your friend was not your friend. They are both back stabbers. Neither of them have empathy for you because they justify their actions to make themselves feel good. There you have it… call it ‘closure’ if you need to use that word.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

In life, one needs to protect themself from many dangers. 
Crazy girlfriends is one of them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain.


Rubbish. She's clearly off her rocker. If not that topic, she would have just moved on to the NEXT topic she could trash you about. It's how she lives - making everyone else the bad guy so she can be the good guy. 

You'll never understand crazy.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you Elegirl for spelling it out in a frank manner. I agree with you.I appreciate your time and effort in responding to me.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to find your value within, not to go looking for it from someone else.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> You need to find your value within, not to go looking for it from someone else.


Good comment. Thank you.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

just to explain my struggle. She appears very normal on the surface and functional at her place of employment which does not add up to crazy. If you sat with her and talked, you would think she was very normal. it was her actions in private with the ultimatums and restraining order that don't make sense.:scratchhead:

I now I need to just stop ruminating over this and feel lucky it is over.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> She appears very normal on the surface and functional at her place of employment which does not add up to crazy. If you sat with her and talked, you would think she was very normal.


BPDers are often high-achievers, professionally successful, and can "appear" completely normal "on the surface."

It's when you really get to know them that the "crazy" comes out.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

goldstandard said:


> She enters into a smear campaign with one of my best friends, seduces him and breaks up with me. At this point, I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I buy her the ring and propose to her explaining to her that there is no pressure but I love her and am ready to spend the rest of my life with her.



:slap:

Why on earth did you do that?


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?


I know you are hurt and I understand that. She is a nut case and no matter what you did it would never be enough for her. She sounds like a user, count your lucky stars you never married her.


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## JASON56 (Aug 28, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?



You just dodged a bullet..she cheated on you, once a cheater always a cheater, you think you hurt now..vision being married to her with 3 kids, and then the Sh..t storm starts... you would have to deal with her for many years...

now you can get her out of your life forever...you won the lottery .


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> The therapist suspects she is borderline but cant make an official diagnosis without seeing her.


Gold, I agree with *PBear*, *MissTaken*, and *your therapist* that the behaviors you describe -- temper tantrums, vindictiveness, rapid flips between adoring and hating you, impulsiveness, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Granted, you are not capable of determining whether her BPD traits are so strong as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only a professional can make such a determination.

You nonetheless are fully capable spotting the warning signs if you take a little time to learn what to look for. After dating a woman for two years, those red flags would be easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about red flags such as bullying and temper tantrums.



goldstandard said:


> She appears very normal on the surface and functional at her place of employment which does not add up to crazy.


I agree with *HappyAsAClam *that the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning people who interact well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. Significantly, none of those folks pose a threat to the BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. 

Once a person tries to draw close in a LTR, however, he will start triggering those two fears. This is why BPDers may be generous and considerate all day long with complete strangers and then go home at night to abuse the very person who loves her.



> I now I need to just stop ruminating over this and feel lucky it is over.


I agree you need to put this behind you. Yet, because you are an excessive caregiver like me, I suggest you familiarize yourself with BPD warning signs so you don't go running into the arms of another woman just like the one you left. An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Gold.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gold,
That sounds very, very painful. 

How long were you two together? 

You mentioned that she began this marry me campaign at the 5 month point, how long after that did she cheat on you?






goldstandard said:


> Thanks for your responses. I am in therapy and working on my codependent issues and strengthening my boundaries. I should have walked away after the first ultimatum. I don't know why I am still struggling. She had me on such a high pedestal. I kind of knew it was her fantasy and MINE TOO. I even told her that I am not perfect but human with plenty of faults and quit thinking I am high and mighty. She said, nonsense, I am perfect FOR HER. I have to admit, it was intoxicating. Then I get knocked off the pedestal. I know I am not emotionally healthy right now but I am working on myself, exercising every day, eating healthy, and keeping life simple right now and going to therapy. The therapist suspects she is borderline but cant make an official diagnosis without seeing her. I guess the fact that I cant get closure is what keeps me stuck. Never an explanation from either her nor my ex friend. I have always remained no contact. No empathy from either one of them. I hope the day comes that I can look back on all this and realize how lucky I am to have dodged a bullet. As it is right now, my self esteem needs major repair.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like your run of the mill borderline. DO NOT contact her and stay away from her. And for God's sake DO NOT MARRY HER EVER. 

I've been married to two borderlines, and life is hell. Stay away from crazy!!!!

There's a therapist online, Dr. Tara Palmatier that runs www.shrink4men.com. She has many articles on there about being addicted to borderlines and how to break yourself from it. It is very helpful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> I guilt myself for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. I find myself thinking that I would have avoided all this pain. After the ring, would it always be something else? Is she probably the type of person that would never be satisfied?After the ring and honeymoon, then the new car, new house, etc. filling an empty hole? Does it sound like she has some characteristics of a borderline?


Why? No one should be pressured or guilted into marriage. No one should commit to engagement/marriage before they're ready. If one partner's timeline is too slow for the other, then the other partner can choose to stay or move on.

This woman is nuts!


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

just wondering how long you were together I think we have a type of woman and men that want half of whatever you have and the relationship can be as short as 6 months


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Step off the crazy train at the nearest exit or suffer the consequences of a massive train wreck with impending doom.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I appreciate all your comments. My rumination has taken over my life. This loss seems more painful than the loss of both my parents and I am ashamed to even admit that. It goes to the real core of my inner child. I know she must be disordered and that should be enough to know to get me to move on. I keep asking questions like, why didn't she just stop after calling the police? I was never going to contact her again once she had the police involved. Why would she file a restraining order knowing that she already had police protection? She had to know I was never a threat. The humiliation of dragging me in court has deeply affected me. It doesn't matter to me that the restraining order was thrown out. The fact that she even went through this whole circus act has me so humiliated that I don't know how I can recover. I did not even recognize her in the courtroom. I try to look at everything objectively and try to even see things from her standpoint. Certainly I must have done something wrong to end up in a courtroom. The shame of it all. God, help me move on with my life. You guys have been very helpful. I feel depressed, shameful, and angry at the same time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Gold,

Are you distracted because your upset, or are you consciously choosing not to answer the question about how long you two were together? 







goldstandard said:


> I appreciate all your comments. My rumination has taken over my life. This loss seems more painful than the loss of both my parents and I am ashamed to even admit that. It goes to the real core of my inner child. I know she must be disordered and that should be enough to know to get me to move on. I keep asking questions like, why didn't she just stop after calling the police? I was never going to contact her again once she had the police involved. Why would she file a restraining order knowing that she already had police protection? She had to know I was never a threat. The humiliation of dragging me in court has deeply affected me. It doesn't matter to me that the restraining order was thrown out. The fact that she even went through this whole circus act has me so humiliated that I don't know how I can recover. I did not even recognize her in the courtroom. I try to look at everything objectively and try to even see things from her standpoint. Certainly I must have done something wrong to end up in a courtroom. The shame of it all. God, help me move on with my life. You guys have been very helpful. I feel depressed, shameful, and angry at the same time.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

thank gawd it broke off BEFORE the pet rabbit in the boiling pot!


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

She seems to be on the BPD side I'd try to just ignore her until she latches onto the next sap.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> She is no longer with my ex friend but has quickly moved a new guy in to live with her.


So, how hot is she?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Piece of advice here..... if someone give you an "ultimatum" to marry them and you are not ready to marry them, then you should stop being exclusive with them or maybe even stop dating them.

Practically, speaking, if they want to get married and you are not ready, then they need to go back into the dating pool to find someone to marry them.

Continuing to monopolize their time is selfish.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think the reason why this has impacted you so deeply is due to the dynamic of your relationship with her. You must have gotten into some unhealthy patterns that caused your thinking to get messed up. Otherwise you would be able to clearly see how unhealthy and dangerous the relationship was and you would have known she was not for you when she cheated. Instead you responded to her cheating by asking her to marry you. That is not a normal, healthy response to betrayal.
It would probably be helpful for you to work through what caused your thinking to go that direction. Trying to understand her is not going to do you any good. She is gone. The only person you need to understand, in order to resolve this, is yourself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

goldstandard said:


> My rumination has taken over my life.
> 
> This loss seems more painful than the loss of both my parents ...
> 
> ...


This is the tragedy of codependency. I think the real fear is looking at yourself and unlocking the truth as to why you ever let this woman into your life at all.

After years in counseling and Al-Anon, I still discover truths about myself. And those truths can cause me major anxiety.

I focused on the alcoholic and his crazy behaviors for years. But then I started looking at myself.

It was not pleasant.

What did you do wrong? You bought into a fantasy. You allowed yourself to be manipulated by a crazy woman. And you keep trying to escape facing yourself.

I hope your counselor gets you to the point where you can face what you've buried inside. If not, consider finding another counselor.

In hindsight, I wasted several years of my life trying to figure out my husband's INSANE behavior. I'm grateful to have reclaimed MY LIFE. 

After all, your life, choices, reactions, and behaviors are all you own.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> I appreciate all your comments. My rumination has taken over my life. This loss seems more painful than the loss of both my parents and I am ashamed to even admit that. It goes to the real core of my inner child. I know she must be disordered and that should be enough to know to get me to move on. I keep asking questions like, why didn't she just stop after calling the police? I was never going to contact her again once she had the police involved. Why would she file a restraining order knowing that she already had police protection? She had to know I was never a threat. The humiliation of dragging me in court has deeply affected me. It doesn't matter to me that the restraining order was thrown out. The fact that she even went through this whole circus act has me so humiliated that I don't know how I can recover. I did not even recognize her in the courtroom. I try to look at everything objectively and try to even see things from her standpoint. Certainly I must have done something wrong to end up in a courtroom. The shame of it all. God, help me move on with my life. You guys have been very helpful. I feel depressed, shameful, and angry at the same time.


gs, this is just your 'moment' in your life. You know, that point at which you realize you're just a guy who's no worse and no better, no more powerful, or less, than any other human. That you simply don't have all that much control over your own life because of outside circumstances, that you won't own the world, you won't marry Pamela Anderson, on and on. We all have that moment, it hurts, and then we buck up and realign ourselves to what we CAN get out of life, and determine to be happy with that.

I have to say, though, I don't understand why you can't just acknowledge - and accept - that you picked a looney to date and there's no making logic out of it. Why is that?


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I response to MEM11363's question about how long we dated together, almost 3 years but that is a little misleading. She started boycotting dated after the marriage ultimatum of 5 months. If I wanted to bring her dinner one night, she would say... lets stop by the jewelry store first and pick out my ring, then you can bring dinner over. If I wanted to take her to the beach, we needed to stop by the jewelry store first. The sex eventually stopped because there was no ring. I tried to break it off and she would real me. She would break up with me and then take me back. It was a merry-go-round during those 2.7 years. My codependency kept me from walking away for good. She said we would never fight if she had a ring. I wanted her to go to counseling with me to make this work. She said we did not need counseling and that the only problem we had was that she did not have a ring. The ironic twist in all this is when I finally offered her an engagement ring, she called the police on me and filed the restraining order. The amount of time that we actually spent together during our courtship was much less than 3 years. Each time she picked a fight over not having a ring, it was kind of like a setback in moving forward together. So tragic. Believe me MEM11363, I blame myself which is why noted in a previous response that I was guilt ridden for not getting her the ring when she wanted it. She moved on with my ex friend so easily and I waited too long. But I did not think it was necessary to get the police and courts involved. That struck at my very soul and did some heavy duty damage. 

In answer to Tunera's question about just moving on and chalking it up to dealing with a nut case, I understand what you are saying. I am working on that. I am in therapy and not ready to go back to dating. She is already on her third replacement since me and they are all probably lead to believe they are her savior just like I was.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> My codependency kept me from walking away for good.


Glad you see what was really going on. Very unhealthy. 



goldstandard said:


> She said we would never fight if she had a ring.


Bullsh*t!!!! The ring would have been the beginning of a self-consignment (by you) to an ever-living H*ll.



goldstandard said:


> The ironic twist in all this is when I finally offered her an engagement ring, she called the police on me and filed the restraining order.


Goldstandard, can you say *cRaZy?!?!* This was never about a ring. It was about the SICK push/pull of a borderline caught in her delusions. And snaring you into her delusions as well.




goldstandard said:


> Believe me MEM11363, I blame myself which is why noted in a previous response that I was guilt ridden *for not getting her the ring when she wanted it.* She moved on with my ex friend so easily and *I waited too long. *


GS, are you effing KIDDING me?!?! After all her torture, you're still blaming YOURSELF for *not getting her that ring?!?!*

I don't mean to be harsh, but you need SERIOUS counseling, like yesterday.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

Thank you Happy As A Clam for your response. You are not too harsh. This actually helps me. I know I am not healthy right now. I'm always trying to look at things from the other perspective. I guess from her perspective, she needed to be saved BY ME and my ex friend RESCUED her from me like I was a monster. I don't like to be viewed as a monster but I was painted black and looked at as an evil person. Going from being adored to being evil is a hard pill to swallow. It has been hard for me to believe that a disordered person looks normal and functional to the outside world. Her distortion campaign probably has her family thinking me as evil as well.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> Thank you Happy As A Clam for your response. You are not too harsh. This actually helps me. I know I am not healthy right now. I'm always trying to look at things from the other perspective. I guess from her perspective, she needed to be saved BY ME and my ex friend RESCUED her from me like I was a monster. I don't like to be viewed as a monster but I was painted black and looked at as an evil person. Going from being adored to being evil is a hard pill to swallow. It has been hard for me to believe that a disordered person looks normal and functional to the outside world. Her distortion campaign probably has her family thinking me as evil as well.


Her family probably knows she's crazy.
But it doesn't matter. What they think of you should have not impact on your life. They are not in your life. Allowing what they might possibly think to impact you when you aren't even in contact with them is unhealthy.
Learn to shake things off and let them go. She used you. She was not honest with you. Forgive her. Let it go. Move on.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"Goldstandard, can you say cRaZy?!?! This was never about a ring. It was about the SICK push/pull of a borderline caught in her delusions. And snaring you into her delusions as well."

This! Count yourself lucky for discovering this. Believe me, marrying this woman would have lead to all kinds of hell. After 21 years, ive been in three years of divorce hell, trying to end my marriage.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

toonaive said:


> "Goldstandard, can you say cRaZy?!?! This was never about a ring. It was about the SICK push/pull of a borderline caught in her delusions. And snaring you into her delusions as well."
> 
> This! Count yourself lucky for discovering this. Believe me, marrying this woman would have lead to all kinds of hell. After 21 years, ive been in three years of divorce hell, trying to end my marriage.


Did your wife put you on a pedestal before you got married? I appreciate your response.


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## goldstandard (Apr 9, 2012)

I have gained good insight from this thread. It is encouraging to get feedback that encourages me that I should be lucky to be rid of crazy. I was too close to the situation looking at the trees from the forest rather than the forest from the trees. You guys have no idea how badly I want peace of mind and to get to a better place with all this. This has been a humbling journey.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

goldstandard said:


> Her distortion campaign probably has her family thinking me as evil as well.


So what? You'll never see them again for the rest of your life.


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## Diesel_Bomber (Mar 17, 2013)

goldstandard said:


> Did your wife put you on a pedestal before you got married? I appreciate your response.


This is pretty standard stuff when it comes to bpd. Ex wife hung on every word I said until the I do. She wanted nothing to do with me after that. 

Also a smear campaign is pretty normal as well. All that really matters is that you are able to look at yourself in the mirror, knowing you made the right decision to get the hell away from bat sh!t.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

goldstandard said:


> My ex girlfriend gave me relentless marriage ultimatums that began 5 months after we started dating. I explained to her that I had been married before and that I just wanted to take things slow, build trust, and lay a solid foundation for a sturdy, stable, successful relationship. I told her I loved her very much and that I wanted to remain exclusive, enjoy our dating process, meet the necessary criteria that would lead to engagement and marriage. She was too old to have any more children so I don't understand why she had her foot all the way down on the gas peddle wanting to move at lightening speed. My gut instinct told me that she just wanted to get married and that I was just an object as a means to an end. I tried to communicate with her but she would rage into these fits.:scratchhead: She would back off for a couple weeks and then start in again with snide comments which would lead to setbacks in our growth process.
> 
> Then end of my story is tragic. She enters into a smear campaign with one of my best friends, seduces him and breaks up with me. At this point, I feel like I am having a nervous breakdown. I buy her the ring and propose to her explaining to her that there is no pressure but I love her and am ready to spend the rest of my life with her. Without warning, the next day, the police call me to tell me to leave her alone. Since that call from the police, I never bothered her again. However, it did not stop her from filing a restraining order on me. I maintained no contact during that time all the way to the hearing which was 3 months later. During those 3 months, she tried to reach out to me to get me to violate the restraining order. Luckily I saved all her emails professing her undying love for me and proof that she perjured herself in court. The judge threw out the restraining order but I have been traumatized by this ever since. She claimed all kinds of vindictive things in court that were proven false. When the judge ruled in my favor, she broke down in tears fearing for her safety. She is no longer with my ex friend but has quickly moved a new guy in to live with her. I am in therapy right now but still am in so much pain.
> 
> ...


Understand what? You are one of the luckiest guys on the planet. You saw the crazy before you married her. Could you imagine had you been married and had kids with this?!? 

Take a week off and head to Vegas. Maybe you can hit two jackpots this lifetime :smthumbup:


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Much of what you have written I have lived also. Ive been down the RO route, the white knight to evil overlord in a day. Mine after 15 years of marriage. A month before the wheels came off my marriage she was professing that I am her “everything” the whole ball of wax. 

They don’t seem to have any shades of grey in the world, its all black and white. Why did she pursue the RO that far because in her head she believed it all true. This is what is so hard when hearing them rant the crazy tales. In that moment they really do believe it happened exactly as they say. They can never be wrong in the world they live in. They cant accept responsibility for anything so they must have a “monster”. 

She most likely has some sort of mental issue, exactly what you will never know for sure. Even the experts need a great deal of time to sort it all out to get a true diagnosis. They almost always have secondary issues that go along with it too. 

She put you on the pedestal, mine did also which does cause us to overlook the issues. We work around the problems instead of addressing the problems. As with most black and white thinking really its always a ticking time bomb. You cant be perfect and that is what they want and the day they realize we are human and have flaws the switch usually flips. Trust me the burden of being “perfect” for them wears on you, you lose a great deal of yourself. 

Since they cant deal with problems in the “perfect world” they create they grenade it and blame everything on someone else and this almost becomes the new fixation for them. Her stories will most likely get stranger and more wild as people see thru them. They need to be the victim and the attention that goes along with it. This is why they cant “let it go” I haven’t seen or heard from my stbx in 19 months now yet she still insists that I am stalking her and obsessed. She wont get the divorce done either. They live on drama. 

It isnt unusual that they will go thru a number of relationship afterwards and most times it’s the OP who realizes something isnt right and ends it. Cut the losses and run so to speak. 

Its easy to say but you are lucky you don’t have more time invested or you got married.


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