# Newlywed Considering Divorce



## Kitty84

Hi,

I'm really glad to have found this forum.

I'm 26, have been with my husband for 5 and a half year, married for 6 months.

From the outside we have the perfect marriage and we do enjoy each others company amazingly, but I have no feelings of love towards him that I should have for a husband. It's like we're good friends who make each other laugh, a lot. But there are 100 other people I would rather spend my time with.

Our sex life has been non existent for at least the past year. We didn't have sex on our wedding day and only twice whilst on honeymoon. 

I am not attracted to him any more. He annoys and embarrasses me with things he does and says, especially in front of people. he doesn't get me any more. He is weird about money and splitting everything exactly in half. 

I feel old and bored. I have brought up these feelings to him over the past year, and every time he just thinks I'm making it up to cause a fight.

I wish I hadn't got married. I was so caught up in the plans, the idea of it all that I didn't stop to think what I was doing. I was entirely underwhelmed on my wedding day and haven’t enjoyed our time together since.

I told him this on Sunday evening and stayed at a friends house last night. He is convinced this will pass, but I really don’t see how it can.

He is my best friend and I hate hurting him, but I can’t stay with him to keep him happy.

I feel like the most selfish woman alive.


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## ku1980rose

Kitty84 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'm really glad to have found this forum.
> 
> I'm 26, have been with my husband for 5 and a half year, married for 6 months.
> 
> From the outside we have the perfect marriage and we do enjoy each others company amazingly, but I have no feelings of love towards him that I should have for a husband. It's like we're good friends who make each other laugh, a lot. But there are 100 other people I would rather spend my time with.
> 
> Our sex life has been non existent for at least the past year. We didn't have sex on our wedding day and only twice whilst on honeymoon.
> 
> I am not attracted to him any more. He annoys and embarrasses me with things he does and says, especially in front of people. he doesn't get me any more. He is weird about money and splitting everything exactly in half.
> 
> I feel old and bored. I have brought up these feelings to him over the past year, and every time he just thinks I'm making it up to cause a fight.
> 
> I wish I hadn't got married. I was so caught up in the plans, the idea of it all that I didn't stop to think what I was doing. I was entirely underwhelmed on my wedding day and haven’t enjoyed our time together since.
> 
> I told him this on Sunday evening and stayed at a friends house last night. He is convinced this will pass, but I really don’t see how it can.
> 
> He is my best friend and I hate hurting him, but I can’t stay with him to keep him happy.
> 
> I feel like the most selfish woman alive.


Don't beat yourself up about it. It takes two. Maybe you guys can try marriage counseling or maybe you just need some personal counseling to help you work through these things? I've read some great personal stories on here of people who have made it through feeling like this.

My h is also convince this will pass, but - like you - I'm not. And I also feel selfish sometimes too for feeling this way. My h was a good friend before we married, but the romance is just not there anymore. It's great to have a good friendship, but don't you need something on a romantic level, too, when you are married to someone?

Do you have any children?

You are young. You have time to make "mistakes" in life and learn and grow from them. It's hard to admit that you made a wrong choice and to make the changes to move on, but if that's really what you feel you need to do, then you may be happier in the long run.

I know for me, I can't feel good about leaving until I give it every chance possible, and if that means counseling, then I'll try. Just make sure you are positive this is the choice you want to make.


Good luck! And I hope you find some good advice here!


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## Kitty84

Hi ku1980rose,

Thanks for your message.

We have no children and I don't plan on having them, although he would like them some day.

I did marry my hubby because I thoroughly enjoy his company and thought things would perhaps change after we go married.

It's all very raw at the moment and he is taking it really badly. I Want to comfort him and go to him but I need to sort my own head out first. I know I shouldn't just run away but I don't want to have to face him yet - I don't think I have any answers he wants to hear.


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## HerToo

Is there someone else in your life you are in love with instead?


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## Kitty84

Hi HerToo,

I almost wish there was - it would make this much easier. I have had a good few chances to cheat but have never gone through with it.


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## SadSamIAm

It was unfair of you to lead him on. You married him, but you didn't feel love for him. No wonder he is taking it so hard.

You need to either end the marriage or fully commit to you. If you are going to end it, do it so he can get over you and find someone that will love him. If you are going to commit, find a marriage counselor and get on with building your marriage.

You say things like, "I thoroughly enjoy his company" and "we're good friends who make each other laugh". These are things that many married people wish they had. Think a lot before pulling the pin on your marriage, it might be the biggest mistake of your life.


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## HerToo

Good for you for not cheating. It makes things worse. Trust me, I cheated. 

That's laughable "Trust me". Yeah, right.


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## Gabriel

SadSamIAm said:


> It was unfair of you to lead him on. You married him, but you didn't feel love for him. No wonder he is taking it so hard.
> 
> You need to either end the marriage or fully commit to you. If you are going to end it, do it so he can get over you and find someone that will love him. If you are going to commit, find a marriage counselor and get on with building your marriage.
> 
> You say things like, "I thoroughly enjoy his company" and "we're good friends who make each other laugh". These are things that many married people wish they had. Think a lot before pulling the pin on your marriage, it might be the biggest mistake of your life.



I agree with this. My guess is his feelings for you are greater than your feelings for him. It was very unfair for you to do this. But, you can't live a lie forever. The best route would be to tell your H that you would like to give it one good, honest try, but that you weren't optimistic. See if he ramps up his efforts to keep you. But if after a few months of that you really are still not feeling it for him, you have to let him go and know that you really hurt him badly. Tell him he deserves better.


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## Catherine602

Kitty don't give up yet. You may be at a normal point in a longterm relationship. The transition from the "honeymoon crazy in love stage" to a deep emotional connection stage. After the honeymoon phase, you begin to notice things about your partner that annoy you. The rosy glasses are gone and you see the person more realistically with all ther worts. Here is an article that explains there are many more if you care to search. The 7 Stages Of Marriage | Lifescript.com

This is the stage where you need to buckle down and decide to committ to staying in love dispite faults or to cut and run to new relationship to have a repeat of the honeymoon stage. If you cut and run, you never learn how to love deeply. 

It is difficult to tell if this is a natural transition that you need to negotiate or if you really cannot love him. It sounds like you and your husband have invested almost 6 years of your lives into the relationship and it seems worth the effort to explore what is going on. 

. Running out on him is an extremely painful and devestating way to leave. What would be most compassionate, and mature would be to schedule MC ASAP. Go back home with a committment to explore what is happening , work hard to salvage the relationship if possible and to treat your husband as you would like to be treated. None of this means that if will work out. 

You may have made a mistake in marrying him but, he is not at fault. You have an obligation to him that you are not meeting, you owe him your loyalty, comfort and effort to come to a resolution. Go back and face him and act responsibly. Walk around in his shoes - how would you feel and how would you like him to break bad news to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LBG

Hello, I'm new as well and can identify with you in some aspects. Hubby and I have been married for almost 8 years and I've found through different periods that he just plain annoys me to no end it can be something petty like the way he eats or makes the bed. Like others have said you are young and still have the time to make mistakes. Sometimes, we want something so bad that just isn't there it sounds to me like you are your H have more of a platonic relationship, but was it always this way?  I know that when I'm getting annoyed with my H I try to remember all that we have together and take more me time for awhile and that usually helps. For me, it's always just been a phase typically when we are under stress or arguing more than usual. I think you're smart to not have children until you figure out what it is that you want in life. It's harmless and natural to picture yourself with other people as long as all you are doing is imagining it and not acting on it. Remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side and maybe you're just having a hard time coming to terms with marriage and all that it entails, no more just breaking up and moving on. I've always said that you know that you are done if you can walk away and see your ex with someone else and it not bring up a single emotion. To me hate and disdain are just as powerful as love, not that you said you hate him, but picture him with another W and see how that makes you feel.


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## direction

Hey Kitty,

For what it's worth, I know how you feel. I'm 29m and I got married in August 2011 and have been feeling some of what you're feeling. Like you, I felt underwhelmed on my wedding, and more overwhelmed by the logistics of it than anything else. Looking back, I don't think anyone's supposed to feel the way I did on their wedding. It wasn't a horrible feeling, but it wasn't joy. It was just an event to me.

I too enjoy my wife's company, but I wouldn't describe it as amazing, or company I would crave. She's a good person, and I too don't want to hurt her. Like you, I brought up my doubts and how I was feeling and it wasn't pleasant. She got pretty emotional and it was just a mess to handle. I don't blame her - I'd probably feel the same way if I was blind-sided the same way.

I'm struggling with my own issues too (depression, anxiety and whole bunch of other things). I've described my situation in other posts. Some of the replies were helpful. I don't think our situations are identical, but maybe you'll find some of the advice dispensed useful.

The basic question you're asking is "did I marry the right (or wrong) person?" Sadly, there's no easy answer to this, and how you proceed really depends on your own convictions and values. I do emphathised with how you may feel trapped, and wonder if it's going to be like this for the rest of your life.

I think the best thing to do right now is to make a decision, and try your darn best to stick with it. Sitting on the fence will just kill you. Personally, I'm adopting a "the only way is through" approach. So I'm sticking it out, trying my best to improve the situation, and praying that my marriage will evolve. It's not easy to stay committed though. That feeling of being trapped can be very powerful, and I too struggle to stay the course on some days. 

I'd suggest counseling, preferably couples counseling. I think being on the same page is important, but don't expect quick fixes. If your spouse isn't open to this, you can still work on it yourself, but you'll have to adjust your expectations and perceptions. I'm particularly taken by the idea of the "self-responsible" spouse, where you alone ultimately determine your own happiness, and are not reliant on your spouse to complete you. This may require you to change some of the values you have (of what couples should do, how they should interact, etc.), the bursting of the so-called "marriage myths." I can assure you it won't be easy. All it takes is for me to see another couple, often friends, who have what I don't, to feel bad. Some expectations and values die hard simply because they aren't inherently wrong. The question then is whether you can let them go and change yourself, knowing that, at least at this point in time, you won't be able to meet them.

I'll leave you with some resources I found helpful to help me think through my situation. Unfortunately, you ultimately have to make up your own mind. There's no model answer to be found. 

If you'd like to talk more about this, just post. Sometimes just venting helps even if doesn't solve your problem.

*Books*

I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving your Relationship

Everybody Marries the Wrong Person

*Web Resources*

Psychology Today - Everybody Marries the Wrong Person Blog

We All Married the Wrong Person

I don't love my wife and never have ...
[Read it from the start. It's an old thread from 2005, and the thread starter, as of 2010 I think, is still with his wife. It's a very real appraisal of the decision he made.]

Did We Make a Mistake in Marrying?[A Christian response--I have many others if you're interested--but it's a good story and there are some useful perspectives there, even if you aren't Christian.]


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## Kitty84

Thank you all for your replies - it really has helped.

I spent all of last week at a friends and had lots of me time, then a fantastic weekend out on the town with my best friend.

I am torn between what I want to do and what I should do but, as a courtesy to my husband, I've agreed to work on things and see where we are in 6 months time.


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## Kitty84

Really wishing I had the balls just to walk away - really don't want to be at home and am thoroughly miserable. So far have managed to avoid my H a lot this week, been busy with work and a couple of events. Going to my mum's on Friday and looking forward to some time alone.

Sigh... this is all too sad.


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## warlock07

> I wish I hadn't got married. I was so caught up in the plans, the idea of it all that I didn't stop to think what I was doing. I was entirely underwhelmed on my wedding day and haven’t enjoyed our time together since.


How stupid is this? You were in love with the idea of getting marriage. Not him. Poor guy. Is it me that finds the whole thing entirely shallow and selfish? Who paid for the marriage?



> Our sex life has been non existent for at least the past year. We didn't have sex on our wedding day and only twice whilst on honeymoon.


Why? No attraction or weren't you up to it or wasn't he interested?


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## Kitty84

Thanks Warlock for your constructive reply - under no illusion what I'm doing or feeling is excusable or selfless.


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## RunningOnEmpty

Don't beat yourself up. You made a big mistake, it sucks. Learn from it. Be honest with your H. Get a divorce and move on.


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## Kitty84

We are separating for 6 months. He is currently at a friends house and I am moving out of our house this weekend - hopefully moving into a new place just after Christmas.

I am desperately sad but know I'm doing the right thing. I am very excited about standing on my own two feet. Maybe this time will make us stronger, maybe it will just cement what I already know - either way I need to find out.


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