# Not speaking for weeks at a time - got to break the cycle



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

*Not speaking for weeks at a time/Silent Treatment - got to break the cycle*

I ALWAYS seem to be the one who has to go out of my way and make the effort to start to communicate properly and talk things through each time there's a problem in our relationship. Often we don't speak properly for WEEKS at a time - usually over some relatively petty misunderstanding. 

One day my husband will be moody, no eye contact, exiting the room when I enter, no conversation. But a couple of days later he’ll seem to have a change of heart and make some effort at polite conversation. However by this time my back is up and, try as I might, I cannot readily respond to someone who has totally ignored my previous efforts at making the first move to have an adult conversation and try and clear the air and move on. So we get no-where fast. 

Can anyone please offer any insight as to why this happens time after time after time. 

I welcome suggestions as to how break this cycle, because even after we do eventually "make up" it’s no longer the same as resentment is killing our relationship inch by inch, slowly but surely.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Has anybody ever managed to break a destructive cycle in their relationship - do post!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

One should never let the sun go down on thier anger, if at all possible. * The "Silent Treatment" BREEDS resentment*, it becomes a way of life if you do it time & time again. 

I would start by telling him that when he acts like this, it IS building resentment IN YOU. After all , this is honest. And you do not want to continue wasting precious days , weeks in this kind of mindset, it is not healthy for you, nor him, the marraige, the kids. 

And ask him how HE FEELS when you go days, weeks in these cycles? Does he truly prefer this over communicating . Does he fear communication?

I have had friends who used to deal with their problems like this, it eventually led to divorce. Even afterwards, they tried to continue this silent treatment thing, and had SO many problems dealing with the kids, misunderstandings, the kids even sufferend because of it, still do today. 

I really think a Good fight is better than this way of dealing with problems, get them out on the table and go through whatever is needed to come to "some understanding of each other, some compromise", *but NEVER days of avoidance*. Unless the man is physically abusive or something extreme to assure your safety. 

And both of you need to be willing to truly LISTEN to the other, each others feelings, find out what he NEEDS from you, express what you NEED from him, see if you can accomdate each other. 

It is SO hard when one partner is not willing to go these places with you though. I do hope your opening up can help the situation .

Here is an extreme example of the effects on the Silent Treatment on relationships
http://www.ehow.com/about_5316672_passiveaggressive-silent-treatment.html


I do think - for men, sometimes they just need some time to "unwind" (go into their caves), they do not NEED or require as much feedback & Validation as us women do or as much communication usually, but still it isn't healthy to go days, weeks in such avoidance.


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## HindSight (Feb 24, 2010)

My husband and I had the exact same problem in the beginning of our marriage. Only, roles were reversed. I gave him the silent treatment - which made him furious, then he'd ignore me, and so I'd avoid him. Here's how we started breaking the cycle.

When he would inevitably do something that offended me, I would initially still walk away and start the silent treament. But, after about an hour I figured it wasn't helping anything, so I then would got to him when we had a quiet moment that we could talk, and I would break the ice with: "I'm mad at you, but I don't want to be." He would instantly be happy with the idea that I'd stop being mad if we talked about it, so he'd follow up with, "Ok. What did I do?" I'd have to choke down my anger that he wouldn't just know, and after sitting silently for about 10 more min. in front of him (him patiently waiting) I would re-gain my anger control and tell him calmly what set me off. And I had to learn to ask him: "Is that what you meant to do?" And usually, he'd tell me that yes the action itself was intentional, but he had no idea it would upset me. Then, we'd walk through why it was offensive and come up with alternate ways the situation could have been handled. But, it did start out with my having to learn HOW to approch him.

Why did I always start off with giving him the silent treatment? That's what my parents did. And, ALWAYS the weaker of my parents would be the one to break the silence - and whoever broke the silence would be hung on a verbal crucifix for it. I didn't wnat to be weak in my marriage. And I literally had never learned what to say when I was mad. As a child, I was not allowed to ever be angry. If I got angry in the slightest I was sent to my room or severely punished. There was never a ground to learn _how_ to voice what my feelings were, and I learned that angry feelings were supposed to be silently lived with. So, that's what I did in our marriage. Tack on the fact that your husband is male and may not like being "chatty cathy" and the problem is compounded.

I would find a time when you two are having fun together. Then tell him that you want to ask him something. Tell him that you want to fix _how_ the two of you communicate when angry with each other, and then proceed with asking him how he learned to deal with anger growing up, share how you learned, and then suggest a new method and ask his opinion on how you can help him through his angry times too. My husband used to think I needed space, but what I really needed was for him to sit next to me until I broke down. His patience with this saved us. And there were times I wouldn't answer him for well over an hour - yet, he'd still sit there and wait and sometimes re-word himself to try and edge me into conversation again.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

SimplyAmorous – you are so right about it being unhealthy - and yes, I need to let him know how resentful I feel. The strange thing is I often get the impression that although he won’t respond positively to me making the first move he would like things resolved (one time he admitted that he felt isolated and numb during the silences). 

I have just said above that he “won’t” respond positively but perhaps he really “can’t”. It is time I found out if it’s just a man thing on his part or, as Hindsight has questioned, if there is something else behind him not being able to approach me to instigate meaningful communication. When times are good again I will definitely suggest he might consider saying something like Hindsight’s icebreaker "I'm mad at you, but I don't want to be".

I really do appreciate hearing your views and experiences on this. I know I have a good husband and I also know that we really need to work hard at making our relationship stronger and more fulfilling or one of us will eventually call it a day as it’s getting far too painful. This is easier said than done – I start off with good intentions about us spending quality time together etc on a regular basis and he agrees but then after a couple of weeks one or both of us allows things to fall off and we stop making it a priority, start taking each other for granted and drifting apart again. We just can’t seem to keep on track for the duration.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

It would be interesting to hear from men too about how to break the cycle of non-communication. I need to know what goes on in your head at such times.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Update - We're finally talking and he mentioned something about the fact that he would never shout at me or raise his hand to me (this is correct and I've never had any fear or reason to think he would ever do this - no past threats, nothing - he's always gentle as a lamb with me). He says that when he's angry he just can't talk. I don't know if he's admitted it to himself in his head but I believe it's to do with his childhood - his mother suffered domestic violence at the hands of his father. He doesn't talk about it much (if ever) but now I believe that he figures that if he stays away from arguments/communication on things that have made him angry then there's no chance of him becoming like his father (and brother, I might add). 

For myself, just as he is doing the opposite of his father, I am doing the opposite of my own mother - who would give my father the silent treatment for weeks, if not months, at a time.

Thanks for your insights, without which I might not have made the link. I feel somewhat better now and for the future will need to find a way not to take it so personally when he won't talk, and try to be less resentful about making that first move.


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## Sully6 (Mar 3, 2010)

Please correct this ASAP... I am now separated in attempts to give my wife the space to strengthen herself after years of this type of behavior. Once my situation plays out I will post a detailed account (don't know when that will be but it won't be soon), but I promised myself I would try to help others and this is the most dangerous and hurtful game of all. If I could take ANYTHING back at all, it would be the periods of silence which went from a couple days then to a week and ultimately to 3 weeks at it's worst. This behavior simply takes more and more from your spouse as they give in just to end the pain. It is a short term fix and it builds and builds. I got used to the fact that she would give in and would wait until she did. I did this to my wife and stole her self-esteem more and more until it hit the fan on June 3 and she melted down. She 3 times asked for a divorce, the latest being October 3rd. Fortunately we have turned it around some, though we are now separated as she tries to build herself back up. I can honestly say that the periods of silence are the worst torture possible. I was stubborn and didn't want to see a counselor as I was too good for that. I have been in counseling for many months now on a couples basis, but also did months of individual counseling and even a session or 2 about anger management. Let's be clear that I have never harmed my wife but that is only physical because I certainly did at an emotional level. You need to read a few books, talk to a counselor, whatever it takes to learn to communicate. This means letting each person finish their sentences, respecting what they say, being careful what you say, keeping a cool demeanor and giving them the benefit of the doubt in gray areas. Don't over-analyze (I still struggle with that). My wife even stipulated that we may need to walk away from a discussion with an agreement that we pick up the conversation at an agreed upon later time either later that day or at the worst the next day if it gets heated and partners stop listening. PLEASE take this seriously. This is my first post but I read this site a lot. This just hit very close to home and I felt I needed to try to save someone else from the mistakes I made. This one is in my opinion the most damaging. I am 8-9 months into my process and the roller coaster sucks. I still have no guarantees, but things are looking up (at least on most days). Please catch yours earlier than mine !! Good Luck.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

On numerous occasions I have felt like separating/divorcing - most of the time I've not voiced these thoughts but have mentioned the words on one or two occasions. But still the cycle continues. 

My husband would never agree to see a counsellor - I made an appointment for us once but he refused to go with me. I think perhaps like you he has got used to waiting for me to breakdown and make the first move but yet I do believe him when he says he would never meaningly do anything to try to upset me. Maybe he's in denial about how much it does upset me. 

Aside from your wife asking for a divorce, is there anything else she could have done to get through to you and make you understand the hurt she was feeling and get you to change?

Thanks so much for posting.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

PS - I really do hope things eventually work out for you and your wife as you hope they will.


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## Sully6 (Mar 3, 2010)

Honestly, I don't think I would have gotten it if she didn't just break down. I always felt I was invincible and she was so in love with me that she wasn't going anywhere. What did get through to me severely (unfortunately after the melt down) was the following link:

Divorce Busting® - Walk-Away Wife Syndrome - Wife Ending Marriage

It made me start to understand how things I thought were OK.

The following book was also very helpful once I stopped being pigheaded and read them (I never read books...) It helped me learn how to communicate without compromising my feelings. I learned how to say "it hurts my feeling when..." or "In my opinion..." or "Is it possible to...." instead of phrases like "You need to...." or "You should.....". I now think of these things and even when we disagree, our communication is worlds better when just thinking first and starting the sentences a little less offensively.

* We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) 
C. Notarius, Howard Markman
Sold by: Amazon.com, LLC*

Honestly, I've talked to a lot of people and done loads of reading. I see now how guys most often have a different emotional level on a day to day basis and take things for granted. I know I did. Just last night on "Date Night" I told my wife how although I always loved her, I never truly gave all of myself to her because I knew she was head over heels for me and would do anything for me. That was very true, but also a bad mistake because I never let her into my heart as much as she did in reverse. I also pointed out that I wished I took the time to look into her eyes more when we spoke because I now see a wealth of information. I see her hurt, her eyes tearing up, her emptiness, and not often right now but the joy that I'm hoping to see more of.

I can tell you that I am the typical jock, but maybe to an extreme. I am not the nerdy type that is throwing books at you and asking the man to be meek by any means. I never thought I would be on a site like this. Please print the Walk-Away Wife Syndrome out for your husband. Feel free to show him what I've said if you think it would help. I am truly hoping that I can help you because it sounds so darned similar. It really made me feel like I NEEDED to register and start posting here. I've been reading for 6 months, but never posted until yours. I truly wish you good luck and will help in any way I can. My heart is so empty right now. Patience is not my virtue and this separation is painful. I have made the corrections. My wife agrees on that. But when you wait as long as we did, the scarring is so deep that she can't get past the anger and resentment. She starts individual counseling next week. Couples counseling every Thursday. She tells me there's nothing else I can do right now because I've done it all. She says she has to get herself strong and be able to move on beyond that scarring. She wants to but is sometimes scared that she won't be able to. Hardest part is I can't help her anymore and I just have to wait. That's the hardest thing to do. Don't let yourself get that far !!


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

From a male perspective, my initial reaction to the silent treatment was thoughts of 'Fine, you don't want to speak to me, I'm not going to speak to you.' Then my stubbornness would set in and I wasn't going to be the one to talk first. 

I think another part of it too was that I didn't want to talk about what was bothering me because of a fear of my SO not accepting or understanding my feelings. I would figure that she would find what I was upset over so absurd that it would just make her more upset. Sometimes it was a fear that anger would take over and I would say something I didn't really mean just to try and hurt her because I felt hurt.

The key to resolving this is actually fairly simple. It's communication. However, it took a counselor to teach us both how to communicate properly. My wife's parents Never fought in front of her, My parents continually did and loudly. So neither of us knew how to communicate disputes properly. 

We learned that not only is it important to communicate what is bothering you, but it's even more important HOW you communicate it. It takes some effort, but you need to think of how your saying something before you say it. One of the key elements that our counselor taught us was key words to use and key words to avoid. 

'I Feel', 'I Think', 'it makes me feel' are key elements to use. They don't associate your frustrations to the person, but the action they've done and the result it had. 'Always' and 'Never' are key words to avoid because they are absolute and can be accusatory. Also we were told that it is OK for one of us to ask for time. If we are too upset at the moment, it's OK to say 'I need some time to calm down and think' and then come back and discuss the matter later to resolve the issue.

Ultimately through effort on both our parts our communication has improved and silent treatments are much less frequent and much shorter in duration than they used to be.

Oh, and for the record, I was also initially vehemently against seeing a counselor. I figured that I should be able fix it myself, and if I couldn't then I was failing. It took realizing that if I didn't go, my marriage wasn't going to last to finally get me to agree to it. Now, it's one of the first solutions I recommend.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Advocado said:


> On numerous occasions I have felt like separating/divorcing - _most of the time I've not voiced these thoughts_ but have mentioned the words on one or two occasions. But still the cycle continues.


It is your duty as a spouse to voice those thoughts. It's unfair for him to not know how close you are to leaving him because of something HE controls - his actions. Do the right thing and tell him.



> My husband would never agree to see a counsellor - I made an appointment for us once but he refused to go with me.


He refused because he knew you would just give up. If you point out to him that you cannot tolerate it any longer, you'd be surprised how much he may be willing to do.

The bottom line is, what is your boundary? If you're not willing to risk the marriage by saying fix this or I leave, then he will never fix it. Why should he? You'll never leave and he never has to get out of his comfort zone.

But YOU are outside your comfort zone all the time, every time he goes into silent treatment. This is one sided.

But if you are not willing to risk the marriage for this issue, then it is YOUR job to stop caring about whether he gives you silent treatment. Because your boundary is not there. Maybe somewhere else, but not on _that_ issue.

Will he read a book? There's a great one that probably fits him and will resonate: Healing the Shame That Binds You, by Bradshaw. It's about how your childhood dysfunction controls you as an adult. It would be good for both of you to read it.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Sully...thank you. Your posts made me cry. It gives me hope that someday my husbands eyes will be open to why I left him. I hope for the best between you and your wife.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I await my delivery of 5 love languages, the CD version which I ordered last weekend. Chose the CD version as my husband does NOT like to read so thought this might be a good place to start. Meanwhile I plan to get Sully's recommendation "We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage" to read on my own, but maybe if things go well he might at some point read it with me - no CD version unfortunately. Thanks *SO *much for registering/posting Sully - you've given me food for thought about making sure I do all I possibly can to turn things around before it's too late.

The point about learning HOW to communicate shared by Dryden is a good one coz I guess we all assume we can do it when we can't. I am going to look into the possibility of Telephone Couples Counselling since he was so against normal face-to-face counselling - has anyone tried this?

Sharing your experiences with me has shown me that if things are left as is, there is really every possibility that we will end up apart - it really happens. If I'm honest I've always thought that we would only ever split up if one of us was unfaithful but this has given me a lot to think about. It's sad but plain to see that unfaithfullness is not the only thing that can kill a marriage. This ties in with Tunera's observation about boundaries "it is YOUR job to stop caring about whether he gives you silent treatment", but I honestly don't know where to begin to make myself not care about the silences.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The doctor who runs marriagebuilders.com does phone counseling, and in three years of being over there, I haven't seen a single poster who used it who hasn't raved about how it turned their marriage around, even marriages that were headed for divorce.


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## Sully6 (Mar 3, 2010)

Advocado,

I don't think it's about not caring when he gives you the silent treatment as much as it is to stand up for yourself and be strong (Sorry Turnera). It doesn't mean there isn't a middle ground, but you can't always feel like you are melting from the silent treatment, because the only thing melting is your self-esteem. In counseling yesterday, my wife broke down saying "He has changed so much, but I just wonder what's wrong with me and if I'll ever be capable of loving ANYONE again." That's where you end up if you lose all of your self-esteem. This has taken 9 months to get this from her. Counselor actually says things might start moving more quickly now. It has taken a long, long time to get all of our resentment and anger on the table. Now that it's there I am hopeful that it is the healing time and I can't wait for that. It takes a long time to pull up all of those feelings and just admit them and bring them out into the open (where I'm at).

As in Walk-Away Wife Syndrome article, it is better to argue than to be silent. Arguing at least means you still care. My wife admits that she should have stood up to me more instead of just giving in. Had she done that, we may have argued more but the pain that scarred the most for her isn't the arguing as much as the resentment and anger which the silent treatment and giving in contributed so heavily to. Our counselor says we were both wrong, me for my dominant behavior and emotional torture (i.e. the silent treatment and lack of willingness to listen to my wife's needs and/or opinions), but also for my wife who could have held her ground and been stronger. She has advised me not to take all the blame because it takes two. BUT I liken it to a bank robbery... If I walk into a bank and rob the bank, maybe shoot the teller and run out and my wife drives us away, we have both committed a crime and will go to jail, but my offense is so far more severe. Husband won't like it if you stand up to him, but he'll get used to it once he realizes you aren't backing down anymore !! He'll be angry about it and won't like it, but he'll get used to it. The key is to not be afraid to do it. The "We Can Work It Out" book will help you personally in learning how to communicate better and less confrontationally whether he's willing to read it or not. Hopefully he'll read it though because once you learn to communicate and respect each other enough to hear the other's words and not be so reactional, standing up for yourself becomes much easier. Being strong doesn't mean you have to be pig-headed, it just means you will defend your views respectfully and try different ways to get your spouse to see your views while being honest enough to try to put yourself in his/her seat and see their viewpoint as well. I read the book, but my wife didn't. I have slowly told her when I am offended by a sentence and asked her to start the sentence more softly. Without reading the book, she is also learning to communicate through what I have relayed/learned. You will pick up pieces, some are more applicable to your situation than others. Relay that information and ask for that consideration. Both agree to it. 

"Avoid the extremes" has become another motto for me. The answer doesn't usually lie at one extreme or the other. It's somewhere in between and that's what you both need to find together. I now feel extremes when they are occurring, whether it be through anger, frustration, or resentment and know that it is time to take a breath and regroup. Even for girls/guys nights out, we're realizing that we can go out and do our own thing, but for example don't drink to an extreme, stay out until all hours as an extreme, etc. Have some drinks, but don't get obliterated. Go out, but you don't have to close the bar or be the last to leave. These are just examples, but the general premise of avoiding the extreme has been working for me.

Hope this helps. I was very touched that a few of you feel my insight is helpful. LarnieGrl, I have read many of your posts and believe me when I say your response also brought tears to my eyes. I am honored that you folks feel I have gotten to a place where I now can respect myself and respect my wife. I feel like such a different person. It has started my day out good. Every day is a challenge, but I am feeling better about our chances right now (and last week was tough because I'm getting so worn down). The Counselor thinking thinks are picking up has given me a boost.. for now.. I know there are still tough days ahead, but the lows are far less than they used to be. The highs are getting better too. I've missed a lot in life by taking things for granted. By the way, married 14 years, together 18, and have a 9 year old son and 11 year old daughter. I truly wish they didn't have to experience this, but I have informed them that we will be MUCH stronger as a result.

GOOD LUCK !! Don't give up !!


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Advocado said:


> If I'm honest I've always thought that we would only ever split up if one of us was unfaithful but this has given me a lot to think about. It's sad but plain to see that unfaithfulness is not the only thing that can kill a marriage.


It certainly isn't the only thing, but as long as you both have the same viewpoint that Unfaithfulness is the only thing that could break you apart, it makes working on the other issues a lot easier.

My wife and I both believe that we're in this no matter what, so it has made it easier for both of us to make changes and adjustments to resolve issues. Both parties definitely have to be willing to put in the effort though.

Good luck!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

It IS good to hear that there appears to be a breakthrough at your last counselling session Sully. There’s a phrase ‘you never know what you’ve got till it’s gone’ so once reconciled with your wife I’ll bet you have a much stronger, happier, fulfilling relationship and family life than ever before so it’s well worth all the patience and effort. 

In my case I do feel quite able to stand up for myself and put my point of view across. The issue for me has been that he never seems ready and receptive enough to want to INITIATE talking through our differences. It is this not initiating that leaves me with feelings of low self esteem and questioning if he does want to resolve anything at all. I sometimes wonder if not talking is his tool for saying to me “let’s call it a day” because maybe he is too chicken to be the one to end things himself. I have asked him about this (so humiliating to have to ask) and he tells me that he does not want us to break up. It also concerns me that once I have initiated a conversation to talk things through and ask why, if, when, how do you feel about xyz, he’ll do a lot of explaining but barely ever asks how I feel about things. I DO tell him how I feel anyway, but it hurts me that he’s not interested enough to actually ask me. This leads me to think that when I do tell him how I feel it just goes in one ear and out the other! 

I’ll note what has been said about “how” to communicate and avoiding extremes and hope I can indeed put it all into practise myself soon (lots of work to do). I realise my first task is to get rid of my defensive/self protecting “ain’t gonna love nobody who don’t love me” motto so that I can work on things alone to begin with, as necessary.

I can’t thank you all enough for sharing your experiences and for your good wishes, which I sincerely reciprocate.


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