# Question for the guys?



## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

Hi, 

I have been married over 18 years and love my husband. We have four children- 1 in college, 2 in high school and 1 in middle school. They are all good kids and we have my husband's family here for help. I want to go on a five week marine science expedition. The question is, "Would you feel like I was abandoning you and that I was an awful mom for leaving for the five weeks?"

I feel like there is so much more I should do in my life. When the kids are all raised I plan to do more trips and eventually work out of the country. I know my husband did not sign up for this deal and he can't follow me as he owns a company.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, there has to be room even in marriage to follow personal dreams. The children are old enough to largely cope on their own for that period of time, so there isn't a large or unreasonable burden on your husband while you're away.

Go for it!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

joriek said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been married over 18 years and love my husband. We have four children- 1 in college, 2 in high school and 1 in middle school. They are all good kids and we have my husband's family here for help. I want to go on a five week marine science expedition. The question is, "Would you feel like I was abandoning you and that I was an awful mom for leaving for the five weeks?"
> 
> I feel like there is so much more I should do in my life. When the kids are all raised I plan to do more trips and eventually work out of the country. I know my husband did not sign up for this deal and he can't follow me as he owns a company.


*No! Just work with your H on helping take care of the homefront plans in your absence and all should be fine!

For such an endeavor, I think the family would be proud of you for such an undertaking!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

joriek said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been married over 18 years and love my husband. We have four children- 1 in college, 2 in high school and 1 in middle school. They are all good kids and we have my husband's family here for help. I want to go on a five week marine science expedition. The question is, "Would you feel like I was abandoning you and that I was an awful mom for leaving for the five weeks?"
> 
> I feel like there is so much more I should do in my life. When the kids are all raised I plan to do more trips and eventually work out of the country. I know my husband did not sign up for this deal and he can't follow me as he owns a company.


I guess it depends on the 5 week expedition and your long-term goals. If it's just a 5 week expedition and nothing comes out of it, and it doesn't lead to anything else then I might feel a little bit abandoned. If it helps to give you a better vision of what you might want to do after the kids leave, then I think that's a good trip and I wouldn't have an issue with that.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Is this for your career or just entertainment? Sacrifices can be made for careers and there are requirements for long times away for certain science fields. However for entertainment or something new five weeks is too long. Dealing with homework, cooking and household management can easily be done for a week or two but five when it's not contributing to the household (like military service) is a hardship.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I would say the five week expedition may be OK. Depends on who is going? does it have something to do with your job? or is it a hobby thing?

But it sounds to me that you are making plans for your future and they don't include your husband. You need to be honest with him before you take the 5 week trip. It may effect his decision for your future together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Why are you making plans for a future that don't include your H?

A five week endeavor doesn't sound bad if your marriage is solid.

It sounds like you are planning a single life honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

How old are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

5 week trip if it really enriches your life in some way? Go for it if you have the support to handle things at home in your absence.

Working in another country after you're empty-nesters, knowing your husband can't follow you? Um, no.


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## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

Thanks ya'll. He thinks I am making plans that do not include him. I guess, I am. It is not purposely. I wish he would follow. Yes, it is for a job in the future in Madagascar. Amazing how supportive you all are and nice. I thought I was totally going to get *****ed out. I am getting it at home for sure. He is not happy. I do not want a divorce and can work it so the future just holds three month trips and home for six.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Why are you making plans for a future that don't include your H?
> 
> A five week endeavor doesn't sound bad if your marriage is solid.
> 
> ...


I have to completely agree with ConanHub. You love your husband but once the kids are out of the house you have plans to basically move on with your life without your H


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

You *are *making plans that don't include him he is correct.

Being gone six months out of the year is no marriage in my opinion. I would not want to be married to someone that is gone that much. I do not see how a marriage could possibly last under those circumstances.

So as I said be honest with him and yourself you do not want to continue in your current marriage


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

joriek said:


> can work it so the future just holds three month trips and home for six.


One trip or an occasional trip of this sort is one thing. If regular lengthy times apart have not been part of your marriage, then this is a major change and I can understand why he's unhappy: he's losing his wife, essentially. He's losing your companionship, your help, your love and affection, etc., and you want to change the fundamental dynamic of the marriage. There may not be a marriage if you pursue this as a career.

Frankly, while I'd support this trip or something of this sort every two or three years, it would be cause to end the marriage if it were more frequent. If it's not something that he can join you in doing willingly, then I doubt it would work. Yes, military couples may experience similar kinds of separations, but they know this going into the relationship in most cases.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Assuming this trip is not something that will make a severe impact financially, or on the day to day stuff -- If you want to go on, you should. Denying someone something they really want is mainly controlling or selfish, IMO.

As for getting other jobs and leaving the country after the kids are grown, that's another deal entirely. Unless you both agree, it would be selfish on your part.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

joriek said:


> Thanks ya'll. He thinks I am making plans that do not include him. I guess, I am. It is not purposely. I wish he would follow. Yes, it is for a job in the future in Madagascar. Amazing how supportive you all are and nice. I thought I was totally going to get *****ed out. I am getting it at home for sure. He is not happy. I do not want a divorce and can work it so the future just holds three month trips and home for six.


I would not be happy either if my wife decided to do something similar. Regularly being gone up to six months out of the year as a surprise career change ends the marriage in my mind. 

That's not what I got married for and unless you set expectations before you were married that this was likely, you are blind siding him with abandonment.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This is something that definitely needs very serious consideration.

I do not believe your marriage will survive you taking off without your husband for half the year.

Whatever you plan, you two need to plan to do it together. I fully understand your need for more and adventure. I hope your H can find a way to be part of your desires but if you aren't including him, is your marriage even a priority?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, does your H understand how important this is for you? 

Marriage is an agreement to build a life together, and it does sound to me like you are making plans for a future life of your own without him. How much of this was discussed with him? Was he involved in the planning? I don't think he was, since you mentioned in another thread that you've planned this trip without his knowledge. You ARE making plans without him. Why? Why would you make plans without him? Have you considered how this would make him feel?

Does he want to follow, or do the two of you want completely different things? Have you asked him to make this change for you in a few years, and he refused? Or have you just assumed that he won't come with you? Or do you secretly not want him to come with you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your long-term plan is to live and work outside the country while your husband remains behind, isn't your plan to essentially abandon him? He might be cool with that idea but your goal is to give yourself to an overseas job and have a life that will not include your husband in any meaningful way. Might as well be honest with him and yourself about that fact. I don't know you and he does, but just from what you've posted, it appears that the marriage was a vehicle to raise kids and once they are raised, your goal is to revert to your pre-marriage state where your own desires and happiness control your actions. That may be obvious to your husband and if it is, I expect he feels exploited, as well he might.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

joriek said:


> I feel like there is so much more I should do in my life. When the kids are all raised I plan to do more trips and eventually work out of the country. I know my husband did not sign up for this deal and he can't follow me as he owns a company.


Sounds to me, based on this paragraph, that as soon as raising your children is complete, your marriage is over.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

joriek said:


> Thanks ya'll. He thinks I am making plans that do not include him. I guess, I am. It is not purposely. * I wish he would follow. *Yes, it is for a job in the future in Madagascar. Amazing how supportive you all are and nice. I thought I was totally going to get *****ed out. I am getting it at home for sure. He is not happy. I do not want a divorce and can work it so the future just holds three month trips and home for six.


But you *know *that he can't "follow" unless he gives up his business (and the income that has been supporting the family, plus all those college educations for the kids). 

Would you be able to support the family and college educations on your Madagascar salary alone?

It really doesn't seem fair that you suddenly have all these plans that don't include your husband and that take you away from your husband, and you're doing it behind his back. Can you find some satisfying work in your home country? Why must it be Madagascar?

Is there more to this story because it honestly doesn't make much logical sense to me if you love your husband and aren't planning to leave him.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

meson said:


> I would not be happy either if my wife decided to do something similar. Regularly being gone up to six months out of the year as a surprise career change ends the marriage in my mind.
> 
> That's not what I got married for and unless you set expectations before you were married that this was likely, you are blind siding him with abandonment.



I totally agree w/Meson.

I don't see how your H will not get resentful of you and this trip. This is pretty much borderline spousal abandonment. You are forcing your H to be a single parent for 5 weeks for 3 kids. I get they are older, but he still probably has to transport them places, make sure they are all doing the stuff they need to do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

A lot of my family is international, and we often take long trips apart with kids staying home.

Week = no problem
2 Weeks = OK
3 Weeks = Can manage
4 Weeks = Starting to get tough on the kids
4+ Weeks = too long.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I wouldn't put up with it. Phuck that.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like you are planning to take that job whether he wants you to or not.

Why should he NOT have a problem with it?

If I were him I would politely and respectfully end the marriage if you insisted on taking the job.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I am pretty lenient about her doing just about anything, but that would be a no-go for me. I didn't sign up for marriage to only be 6 months out of the year. If you want that, time to move on.


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

5-week marine expedition to further your career--I'd be totally on board.

Madagascar for 1/2 the year? Bad move for a marriage especially if spouse hasn't signed on and will feel abandoned. You are essentially asking for divorce in that situation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sounds like you're checking out of the marriage. I mean each thing is maybe OK but the whole trajectory screams "escape plan."

Why is that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm kinda wondering who else will be going on this "trip".


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your a grown woman. A smart woman so before you start packing, put the shoe on the other foot and you be the one staying back while your husband goes off on a new job where it takes him out of country for 4, 5, 6 months and ask yourself how you would feel about it. Would you be happy? Would you feel abandoned? And when you ask him why, he says it's something he always wanted to do since the kids are all grown.

If it did go that way, the next post you wrote would be about divorce. Your idea what you want to do is great if your a single woman but there's a problem with that notion. You have a husband. I see a real bumpy road ahead of you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I feel like there is so much more I should do in my life. When the kids are all raised I plan to do more trips and eventually work out of the country. I know my husband did not sign up for this deal and he can't follow me as he owns a company."

Here is your basic problem. You don't consider the future "our life" but "my life". Five weeks apart isn't a huge deal but that's not the plan. Your plan is to ultimately graduate to full abandonment of your husband. Why would he wish to support his own abandonment? Give him the favorable terms he has earned and make your exit so you can live your life as the unfettered person you really wish to be. If he wishes to assume the risk again, he should be free to find someone who wants to partner with him. He really doesn't need a wife to be alone.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

joriek said:


> He thinks I am making plans that do not include him.
> 
> I thought I was totally going to get *****ed out. I am getting it at home for sure.
> 
> ...


Well if you do not want a divorce ask your husband if an open marriage would work for both of you while you are gone, and you can go back to a monogamous relationship when you return home, from time to time. 
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Sarcasm Off/


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I am going to bring this post here from another thread.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/283010-mid-life-crisis-women-4.html#post13414634



joriek said:


> I am in full mid-life crisis mode. We have four kids and I am mentally tired. I want to get away. I have no desire to cheat as our sex life is fine. I have no desire to leave him as I love him. I do have a desire to do more with my life. In the past, I have just taken off on cultural exchange trips and more recently am planning a marine science expedition to Madagascar for five weeks that I have yet to tell him about. I know he did not sign up for this and I do not want a divorce. I just want to live!!! The kids are older, I am healthy and I feel like time is just ticking away. Does she plan on having fun and staying together? What does "fun" mean to her? Does it include you? If it is cheating then you need to know now. My husband has no desire to do what I want to do. We are working through it but he feels abandoned because I changed. I really haven't - I was going to join the Peace Corps after college but had student loans. I am the same person but have the means and desire to follow my dreams. Maybe that is all she wants.



joriek, you will have the desire to cheat, it's almost guaranteed.

It may take a few days or weeks but when you have made the adjustment to your vacation lifestyle, then a smile from a handsome man, a kind work, maybe a drink, and a lovely romantic evening and you will hardly be able to think of anything else.

I cant even comment on "Our sex life is fine".

The sex will be amazing, I can almost promise you, the newness of his kisses will seem to be the most inflaming things you will have ever experienced.

You will feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest.

Hard to believe your husband is uncomfortable with your plans and feels left out and abandoned.

Your exactly what someone is looking for right now in the places you want to go.


I cant even comment on "Our sex life is fine".


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

She is jettisoning her husband (he knows it too.) She's just here looking for validation from others to assuage the guilt.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Hard to imagine if you were gone as much as you allude to that either you or your H would not eventually move on to someone else, sadly its why so many marriages in the military fall apart, if the spouse serving is constantly on deployment and reops by choice eventually you grow apart....

You need to spend some time in self-reflection about what you are really 'wanting/needing' to do with your life because it does not seem like it's staying with your husband....

Who's paying for the trip by the way?


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

I can understand the feelings the OP is expressing but I do see it as the beginning of the end of the marriage. I do not agree with the lying by planning things behind her husbands back. In essence the cheating has already begun. Its deceitful and selfish. It will ultimately tear the marriage apart. 

She seems to feel like her service commitment to her husband and family is complete now that the kids are grown and now its time for her to live her life. This is not an uncommon feeling. Unfortunately if she acts on those feelings it will have sever consequences. 

Maybe she can start her life over in Madagascar. That might be good as she wouldn't have to face the feelings of abandonment from her children and husband. She could be completely free. I think divorce is the next option. I would advise she just be honest and take a fair settlement and let the poor man heal and move on after the devastation she will have brought on the family. Then she won't even have to take trips back home and just stay in Madagascar permanently living her dream. Win Win.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

joriek said:


> Thanks ya'll. He thinks I am making plans that do not include him. I guess, I am. It is not purposely. I wish he would follow. Yes, it is for a job in the future in Madagascar. Amazing how supportive you all are and nice. I thought I was totally going to get *****ed out. I am getting it at home for sure. He is not happy. I do not want a divorce and can work it so the future just holds three month trips and home for six.


IMO absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Good luck with a schedule you are home for 6 and gone for 3.

You appear to be wanting to run your life as if the kids and H do not exist. Or at the very least a life where the kids are grown and gone. H is the only obstacle. You are correct, your H did not sign on for a absentee W. 

It appears you have made up your mind and looking for agreement from others that this is ok...this trip to where ever.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> IYou appear to be wanting to run your life as if the kids and H do not exist.


I disagree. She wants a life where she can have her cake and eat it too. She wants to run off and play, and wants a "husband" she can return to whenever she feels like it (security blanket) on her own terms.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Can long distance relationships work....absolutely but don't think for a second that they do not come without issues and potential problems. First of all you still have growing children at home that take should foremost in both of your hearts and mind, and while pursuing a passion for a future in Marine Exploration you first duty for the both of you are your children. the second item and this is where most marriages get it wrong, is that your love for one another should take priority above all else including children. You married each other, to have a family and a life together not apart. if what you truly want is to live 3 months out of the year apart, then you should think about moving on. The strengthen of your marriage is also a consideration, how open will you be apart from him to have an affair with a coworker at sea....be honest with yourself...and he has to be honest with his self as well. Sure 5 weeks is not a long time but it can be long enough to have an affair and to fall in love with someone else...and that is on both your part. The question you have to ask yourself (this path you are heading down) worth the cost of your family and marriage....if in your heart you say yes then you should think about moving on. If this is the life you truly want then don't drag them down with your dreams, separate them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with others that the 5 week one time thing isn't a huge deal. Kids are certainly old enough they don't need parents there all the time. But this future thing you have planned would end a marriage for me. I got married to be with my partner not without them. So are you just planning to divorce him? My quess would be that he will eventually divorce you and move on if you plan to be gone 1/2 a year


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Who's paying for this 5 week orgy?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

In isolation, I say the 5 week trip is just fine. I would support my wife doing something like that. The inconvenience to me would be an act of love to let her do something she values.

But this is not in isolation. I can see why he is upset. This has every appearance of you planning to leave him when the kids leave high school.


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## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

Okay. I got it. It does look bad and the shoe on the other foot hit home. Just a few answers to some questions. I am 46 years old. I worry that I will be too old when the kids are raised, although, I am healthy and fit. In addition, I only have a small window before grand kids come. I will be working cataloging fish, so, no orgy going on. I work in the US with oyster colonies, now. In the past, I have worked full time in medical sales my entire marriage and have made twice what my husband makes so I don't expect him to support me. I even supported him when he started his business after the fourth kid and still do a lot of work for him when I can. I even got my MBA so that I can properly oversee his business. He is five years younger. He will have to work longer than me so he can't follow. I do want him to. I do not want my cake and eat it to. 

At any rate, you all are right! He should feel abandoned. You all have helped me make a decision. I am going for four(lowered it by one) week's. No other person is going that I know. It is just marine science people from around world. Thanks to all who took this seriously. You have saved us from a lot of heartache.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

Perhaps you have made up your mind, but let me add a late piece to this thread. It is more about how things are done than what is done.

My wife is from a migrant community that has many spouses living apart for extended periods. In about half the cases there was an affair within a year. Some of the marriages limped along afterwards, some didn't. It was an open secret within the community that a spouse moving out only for work was consiously or subconsiously planning to have an affair. 

I know of two good marriages where the separation lasted decades with only a few weeks together each year. One husband recently retired and rejoined his wife here, the other will do so soon. So it can be done. But these were planned arrangements, agreed by both spouses in advance, it was necessary as only one spouse worked and couldn't work here and it was for the childrens education or security. Also phone calls were pre-planned and frequent. And I frequently heard the spouse praise the love and committment of the absent spouse to their children. This is not just about keeping the marriage together, but also keeping the family together. All these necessary conditions seem to be missing here.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

If I was your H, I would go with you if money wasn't in the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It is normal for women who started off well educated with careers but let that slide due to having kids and taking on most of the domestic responsibilities to want more when they reach mid life. We spend a large proportion of our lives running after husbands and children and fulfilling everyone else s needs. 
I say if a man is confident of who he is, the marriage is sound, then why not go for it. I cannot believe some of the comments made about her wanting an affair, wanting out of the marriage etc. If a man was asking the same question about going off for work for 5 weeks, many of you wouldn't bat an eye lid and tell the wife, she ought to understand, he is making a living blah blah blah. Talk about double standards!

In this case the wife earned more than the husband but is given no slack. She has categorically stated she is happy in her marriage, loves her husband, etc. Their situation is no different from the multitude of marriages where the husband travels for weeks on end for "work". Yes, it has its problems and couples have to affair proof the marriage as best they can, but please guys remember 'what is good for the gander is also good for the goose'


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

I can speak from some personal experience -my now ex-wife took off for a month on a trip with my blessing came back home with an attitude and soon after things fell apart and we promptly divorced.
Her constant sense of entitlement did unravel our marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

aine said:


> It is normal for women who started off well educated with careers but let that slide due to having kids and taking on most of the domestic responsibilities to want more when they reach mid life. We spend a large proportion of our lives running after husbands and children and fulfilling everyone else s needs.
> I say if a man is confident of who he is, the marriage is sound, then why not go for it. I cannot believe some of the comments made about her wanting an affair, wanting out of the marriage etc. If a man was asking the same question about going off for work for 5 weeks, many of you wouldn't bat an eye lid and tell the wife, she ought to understand, he is making a living blah blah blah. Talk about double standards!
> 
> In this case the wife earned more than the husband but is given no slack. She has categorically stated she is happy in her marriage, loves her husband, etc. Their situation is no different from the multitude of marriages where the husband travels for weeks on end for "work". Yes, it has its problems and couples have to affair proof the marriage as best they can, but please guys remember 'what is good for the gander is also good for the goose'


You're missing the part where she planned to take a job in Madagascar where she'd be gone 6 months at a time, home for 3, then gone again. Without his knowledge.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

aine said:


> It is normal for women who started off well educated with careers but let that slide due to having kids and taking on most of the domestic responsibilities to want more when they reach mid life. We spend a large proportion of our lives running after husbands and children and fulfilling everyone else s needs.
> I say if a man is confident of who he is, the marriage is sound, then why not go for it. I cannot believe some of the comments made about her wanting an affair, wanting out of the marriage etc. If a man was asking the same question about going off for work for 5 weeks, many of you wouldn't bat an eye lid and tell the wife, she ought to understand, he is making a living blah blah blah. Talk about double standards!
> 
> In this case the wife earned more than the husband but is given no slack. She has categorically stated she is happy in her marriage, loves her husband, etc. Their situation is no different from the multitude of marriages where the husband travels for weeks on end for "work". Yes, it has its problems and couples have to affair proof the marriage as best they can, but please guys remember 'what is good for the gander is also good for the goose'


It isn't about the 5 weeks, Aine. That is understandable.

It is about the several months on, several months off job opportunity she has not told him about because she knows he can't go. It is deception.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

I expect in about a year we'll be reading a thread posted by "LonelyGuyWithWifeInMadagacar" about how his wife abandoned him, and what should he do, because she's banging some hot young grad student assisting her with her "research".


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

norajane said:


> You're missing the part where she planned to take a job in Madagascar where she'd be gone 6 months at a time, home for 3, then gone again. Without his knowledge.


So much this ...


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## joriek (Aug 18, 2015)

I am sorry if I was unclear. I am not taking the job. I will do 4 weeks a year. I asked him today if he thought it would be okay. He didn't say much but seems to understand. I am sure we will talk more about it tonight. I don't and didn't think there is a point in telling him until I have consulted others. No need to ruffle feathers if (and I did) decide not to take the job. It is not the right thing to do. I appreciate the advice on planning phone calls and time to talk while away. I feel sad for Constable Odo. You must have been cheated on. I have traveled most of my marriage and have never cheated. He is a great person, puts up with me and I played a lot before I was married. I have no desire to live that life, again.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

joriek said:


> He didn't say much but seems to understand.


Poor guy, I feel bad for him.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

joriek said:


> I am sorry if I was unclear. I am not taking the job. I will do 4 weeks a year. I asked him today if he thought it would be okay. He didn't say much but seems to understand. I am sure we will talk more about it tonight. I don't and didn't think there is a point in telling him until I have consulted others. No need to ruffle feathers if (and I did) decide not to take the job. It is not the right thing to do. I appreciate the advice on planning phone calls and time to talk while away. I feel sad for Constable Odo. You must have been cheated on. I have traveled most of my marriage and have never cheated. He is a great person, puts up with me and I played a lot before I was married. I have no desire to live that life, again.



My point about pre-planned frequent phone calls is that for a family with extended separations to have any chance of staying together requires agreement and willing effort of all parties. Things like regular scheduled phone calls were more important when international calls had to be booked with the operator, now with everyone carrying mobile phones and making video calls it is less of an issue; but agreement, planning and effort are still required. Your husband has not had any real chance at any of these so far. 
While you avoid ruffling feathers, you also avoid telling him your plans. So he cannot commit and work to keep the family together if he doesn't know your full plans. I think ultimately he will feel betrayed.

My other point is that this is about your family, not just your marriage. It seems your children have not been involved in any discussions so far. They will be blindsided by your leaving and probably consider you abandoned them. I think part of the reason a spouse praises the love and devotion of the absent spouse in front of their children and others is to maintain the love between the children and the absent spouse. A few negative comments or even just silence would have been enough to have the children feeling abandoned. Of course it is different given your childrean are older and the separation is a little less, but still you may come home to children who no longer want you around.

It is good that you have been faithful so far. My wife knows numerous marriages that she thought were solid where an affair happened soon into an extended separation. It seems the lengthy separation greatly increases the chance of an affair. And sometimes the affair happens at home.

You haven't detailed your end goal. I think maybe it is career advancement and fulfilling your aspirations. The reason I ask is I see it as a vital part of the story that binds the family together. In the successful families with separated spouses everyone understood why things were as they were and could see forward to a goal. For example, the children would get well educated and work here and the parents would retire together somewhere.

Of course your case is different, everyones case is different. But communication is vital and it seems to be lacking here.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

4 weeks is no big deal. Since you've decided not to take the job with long absences, I think it is just fine for you to do this. Be sure to reassure your husband that your heart and home are where he is, and these expeditions are an infrequent thing. It is fine for you to have this passion and to pursue it. The thing to avoid is the appearance that you have a separate life outside of your normal one.

If you watch "Big Bang Theory" you can see this in action when Leonard goes to Antarctica. His girlfriend starts to wonder what is really going on.

I suggest you keep your H in the loop as much as possible, and sprinkle in a lot of "I miss you" and "It's tough but it is fun, but it would be more fun if family were here". But don't look like you're guilting him for not wanting to participate.

I've been on several mountaineering trips which are a month at a time in remote areas. These days there are satellite phones but back 20 yrs ago we were out of touch from when we took off for whatever 3rd world country we were headed to. It was a passion for me to pursue, so I did.

Some warnings, though. Some people go on these kinds of excursions looking at it as being disconnected from their real life, where they can do whatever they want. It is the "What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas" mentality. What happens on the mountain stays on the mountain. I've seen plenty of that, with people cheating and then rest of the group keeping silent about it out of some sort of allegiance to the group. Also, intense experiences heighten emotions and sexual desires. It is easy to get too close too quickly with others. An expedition is the time for consciously keeping your strongest boundaries. Frequent contact with home is a good idea, to help you keep your head in reality.

Send postcards, bring back little trinkets.

Trips like you're planning on can be life changing in positive ways. I fully support you going as long as your husband is fully informed and fully on board with it.


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## drock (Dec 4, 2010)

I think it's a great idea. Sometimes a little "break" in the action makes things work even better. But are you doing it in part because you are a little bored in your marriage? I am in a long distance relationship and it has been this way for 4 years now (due to family situations), and when I say long distance I mean 1,600 miles! My relationship with my wife has not suffered at all other than us missing each other. However, my opinion is that you need to include your husband in your plans. In a marriage, it takes two to tango.


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