# Problems in bed ended our relationship, feel i need to write to her



## mrblond (Sep 14, 2008)

Advice guidence appreciated;

Me(35 and my g/f 28 ) split up about two months ago after being together over 2yrs. It was on the whole a great relationship, we have so many great memories, however a while back for some reason i was unable to perform in bed , at the time didnt think much of it, but then it happend again and again, a day became a week and so forth. I became more scared/insecure in myself and over time it started to effect other areas of our relationship (closeness, feeling wanted etc) i bottled things up, didnt open up to her, which pushed her away further. Why i didnt step back and realise the seriousness of what was happening at the time i will never know.

I can see that she tried to talk to me about things, i know that, but i buried my head in the sand, rather then dealing with the issue,which was fixable. In the end, her love for me was not enough to stay to gether, she no longer felt wanted, special, close to me. Time has gone on and allowed me to reflect , why i didnt deal with it at the time i will never understand as my heart wanted to get closer to her, but i pushed her away. 

She was the most important relationship i have had. Now i dont know what to do. I would love to give it a second, fresh start as because the problems developed, in my heart i know they can be fixed. But i also know its only her that can decide if she wants to give it a second chance (she is still in contact with me from time to time), if i went to her asking her back, i know it would push her away.

I have accepted that it is all over and looking back yes something had to give, but because when we were together we didnt have a big heart to heart before it was too late and at the time of spliting up it was emotional for both of us, i feel that there are loose ends, well for me anyway as havent talked about things before it was too late.

So I was thinking i have had time to think and would it be adviseble to write to her just saying i accept our break up, let her know that i acknowledge the problems we had and that that i played a part in our relationship going wrong and that i take responsibility for my part and maybe explain why i didnt deal with it at the time (i was scared and vulnurable) etc, thats my regret not opening up to her and talking to her, so important. 

This letter wouldnt be asking her back etc and i would make sure it is written in a way to not suggest that. 

Your thoughts appreciated


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mrblond-
I had your problem many years ago due to a very traumatic experience. But I overcame it. You seem to think you have a solution, but you don't hint at what you are going to do to to get better... I am interested to hear more.


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## pigpen (May 5, 2008)

Mrblond - if you can say everything you have said here and honestly say it without trying to get her back, if you can say it from the heart and let her go, I think you should write that letter.

Too few people learn so well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

But you haven't accepted that it's over - which is fine. Write the letter. Write several if necessary, but don't send them. Hang on to them for a while. Reread them for your benefit. Decide if you have found your voice because you are trying to heal, or if you have found your voice in an effort to tell your ex-gf what you _think_ she wants to hear, in hopes of winning her back.


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## Fine (Sep 15, 2008)

mrblond, 

I will be frank and i mean to advice you only

first I will tell you whats wrong with you and why you did what you did. Do you know how hard its for a guy to admit his failure in bed to a girl or even talk about it?!?!? 

its mostly BEYOND a man's reach. its very hard for a man to do this. so dont blame yourself for what you did really...you are a human being after all not superman. although you can be superman if you believe inside you that you are! and now you can only fix it. And dont tell me you dont want to fix it, because writing in this forum tells me YOU WANT HER BACK and also all what you said is..otherwise you just want us to tell you thats its ok to fail *justification*?

the only thing you have to say is tell her whats happening to you has nothing to do with her,because when you CANNOT get it up for a girl in bed it means to her ' I'M NOT ATTRACTIVE ANYMORE TO HIM, HE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE, HE MIGHT LIKES ANOTHER GIRL, HE DOEST SEE ME AS A SEXY WOMAN ' its a very hard hit to a woman, and sometimes she secretly wont be convinced even if you guys talk about ..

the reasons you can mention which is crippling you : some medicin that making you feel not up to it or somethin, maybe being sick or very upset and sad over some thing??

also you need to fix this before you get back to her maybe a healthy diet, playing sports, even if you just go for a walk it will change your energy, if you have something heavy that sets up on your mind try not to think of it while you in bed. maybe try new stuff in bed?? maybe there is something that turns you ON so much you need to share that info with her?? think of something, you know more than me!! 

coffee makes you less active in sex by the way. do you notice how people relax after drinking coffee?? well guess what, you dont need that relaxing feeling before having sex!!

why would you wanna write a letter to her stating your failure in your relationship!??! she prollly will feel more angry at you and despise you even more! dont lay out all your cards on the table! you need to hide some stuff from your partner for healthy relationship

I dont like this letter business. Talk to her face to face. Remember , the reason you failed at the first place was you not being able to express your self and be open with her. Its not healthy for anyone. so dont do it all over again?!

you need to do that heart-to-heart setup you said it yourself why are afraid to do it? 

look, if you decide to NOT break it up I will advice you on how to proceed about it .. i'll check the forum later


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