# feelings



## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

Hi Everyone,

My problem is with my husband....shock I know. The problem is he never let's me talk about my feelings. If I go to him about something I'm upset about he will turn it around and say "this is how I feel about something". We end up talking about his feelings and mine never get addressed. This has been going on since we got married almost three years ago. Up to this point he would claim it's not true. We have some major issues going on right now and I asked him if he knew how I felt about any of them. He had to admit he didn't have a clue and never heard me out. I know how he feels but he is clueless to me and it hurts. 

What would you do if this was you?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Talk to him in a calm non-accusatory manner. Tell him that you feel hurt that you are not being listen too. Tell him that you wish to be connected to him, but if he does not listen to you, then your needs are not being met by him. If he persists in not listening, you detach. You protect yourself. Keep an emotional distance until he is ready to come to the table.

In order for attachment to remain strong, there has to be a healthy communication. While your detaching, improve yourself so you can be fine with or without him. Don't let this go on for years. It will lead to resentment and anger. Before your emotionally burnt out, I suggest separation. If that does not kick him into gear, then go the divorce route. Again, I would not give him years of your life, especially if your young enough to start over again. Just keep working on your issues, and if you do not have kids yet, I suggest not bringing any into a unhealthy marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

How did you marry a guy like that?

Sit his but down, tell him you have to have a serious conversation with him. Look him in the eye and tell him how you feel.

If he ignores or pulls what he always does, refocus his attention to your issue. Tell him you wanted to talk to him about YOUR issue, once you are done you can discuss his.

If he keeps it up, tell him without communication your marriage won't last......as a first hint.

2nd would be counseling.

3rd, if he continues tell him you are thinking about divorce.

4th....you know what that is.

Could it be that PERHAPS he cares very little about your issues cause you care NONE for his? Look in the mirror and ask your self "am I the best wife I can be". Are you initiating intimacy and are you guys intimate on regular basis. This alone will make him care NONE about you.....cause to him intimacy IS/defines love.


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## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

Funny you would bring up sex. The last 12 times I tried with him I was pushed away. When I tried talking to him about this he went right into defense mood. Screaming at me that he wasn't enough for me. 

His temper has been a major issue in our marriage. It just doesn't click with him that I have feelings also and I need to express them. He has gone as far as to tell me if I needed someone to talk to so bad I should go f*** someone else.


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## Jetoroal (Dec 24, 2014)

I'm a guy and even though we are not that emotional we are also not robots and usually respond to our significant others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

Nope I get pushed away no matter how I try. Our sex life is once a week on a Sunday morning. I can come to bed naked and he won't notice. 

Really sex isn't the problem it is his total lack of concern about my feelings.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If talking does not work, there is only action left. I suggest you distance yourself, and detach. If he does not address the issues, then you divorce him. Because you are married, it takes more work than when you were dating. It takes more time and energy to make that bond last. You cannot make him work on his anger, and it has to be his own realization. Your not responsible for fixing him, and nor should you try. Only he can make himself do that. If you leaving him does not produce any result,then you know it had no hope of working.

When your detaching, just work on yourself. Improve on you, so you can move on with or without him. Love is not limitless. A marriage does not guarantee love will last. So while he is treating you in this manner, he is weakening your love for him.

It is best to leave before you become emotionally burnt out to him. Once you leave, and he does try to change, you will be willing to give him another chance. If your emotionally gone, there will tend to be too much bad experience to work through it all.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He sounds severely insecure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

Just know this all needs to stop. I deal with some health problems and the stress is making them worse. (Lupus and much more) He just wants things to go on like nothing is wrong. Told him I was putting up walls to protect myself and he got angry yet again and slept on the sofa. 

I just don't get it....how hard is it just to let someone speak. 

This is a example of something that has just happened not that long ago. His son had gone to boot camp and had gotten sick and sent to the hospital. The same day that happened I had a doctors appointment and was told I would need to have six surgeries to fix problems with my kidney. He came home upset over what was going on with his son and I get that. He was talking to everyone who would listen to him about it. Later that day I told him what was going on with me. Nothing is return not even one question. This went on for two weeks and finally I asked him about it. He told me he had so much going on with work and his son he didn't have time to deal with my problems. Not even as much as asking me if I was ok. I was there for him when it came to his son. He told me not everything has to be about me.....hurt big time

Guess I need to take my own advice I gave to my daughter you can't make someone care about how you feel.


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

OK this is staring to sound more complex. This is not general talking about feelings, you are feeling resentful already because he seemed to care more about his some than your health issues. Sounds like you also have some issues brewing there, what with your health issues, upcoming ops and lack of sex. 

Maybe your H feels threatened every time you want to talk about feeling cos he thinks he's going to be blamed?

Maybe you need some MC to sort through the issues without excessive blaming and to ensure you get heard.


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## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

No, just would like him to care about how I feel. Would like yo speak without getting talked over or screamed at because he doesn't agree. Just for once I would like him to want to know how I feel.

Was just told the other day I was childish for asking him "why" when I was asking questions about why all his plans changed for a upcoming trip he has this week. Told him I care that's so yea I ask why. 

Won't lie I'm starting to pull back to protect myself. He acts so different then he did before we got married. I'm not the only one to see that both my daughters have.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Things are different when you are courting. He will act his best, trying to win you as a mate. He will be his charming self, on his better behavior. Or maybe the infatuation stage has worn off, and this is who he really is. During that stage, we have feelings that our relationship is magical. We produce more dopamine, which is needed for the excitement of sex too. Since we produce more dopamine during this phase, we want to have sex more often, and during this stage, the sex drive is abnormally higher. Without that dopamine, men cannot get an erection.

So it could of have been the honeymoon high that made you fall in love with him, but once that wore off, you get the reality of who he is. He does not have that honeymoon high that makes one obsessive over their partner. Each of you, are seeing each other in a more realistic light. Your in a one-sided relationship, where one gets more of their needs met than the other. There is no reciprocity, and that is making you resentful. He is not treating you like a partner and being supportive. He does not have to fix your problems, but a partner should support you, and take care of you when your physically unable to. Your in a marriage without a real relationship.

As your guessing, your resentment is destroying your love for him. Love needs to be nourished, and in your case it is not. Be calm, and reasonable with him that your falling out of love with him, and you may want to separate from him. Tell him that there is no relationship between the two of you. In the mean time, you focus on yourself. You do what you can to get yourself back on your feet. You talk to people that care to listen, such as family and friends.

Your actually are a prime case of a walk away wife. Eventually, you will learn not to talk to him, because it will get you nowhere. You will grow distant, but at the same time we like to project to others that things are better than they seem. Since your complaining less, he will believe that everything is better, not knowing that you are getting ready to leave him someday. You both could have loved each other equally at first, but your resentment, and anger will destroy your love at a much faster rate. While his love will remain stagnant, but he will care because he does not have the same issues towards you.

So you need to detach, and work to be a you where you can be happy with or without him. Use your family and friends as a support system, and do not involve him. Keep him at an emotional distance. If you need help or extra care, find family instead of relying on him. Until he is willing to be a participant in your life,, you mentally view him as unavailable.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Do you have kids together? It's been only three years together, this will only get worse. are you considering divorce?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honestly, if he won't talk with you about it then a counselor will be needed to resolve the issues. You are right that he is not showing you love.

What are your limits? How much will you endure and what are your boundaries?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frenchtoast (Feb 24, 2014)

I would like to thank everyone for their advice. Sorry it took so long to get back to everyone, it's been a rough week. 

We ended up getting into a really bad fight over this on Sunday and I ended up with a broken nose. Guess it's as much fault as his. He packed a bag and was going to leave. Long story short I tried to stop him my hand got caught in the bag and he yanked it hard. He said he didn't know my hand was twisted up in the strap. I yelled at him to stop but no such luck....I tripped and my face it some railing.

Maybe this will be the wake up call we both need.

Thanks again everyone!


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

so what are you going to do now? Who's woken up?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

frenchtoast said:


> Just know this all needs to stop. I deal with some health problems and the stress is making them worse. (Lupus and much more) He just wants things to go on like nothing is wrong. Told him I was putting up walls to protect myself and he got angry yet again and slept on the sofa.
> 
> I just don't get it....how hard is it just to let someone speak.
> 
> This is a example of something that has just happened not that long ago. His son had gone to boot camp and had gotten sick and sent to the hospital. The same day that happened I had a doctors appointment and was told I would need to have six surgeries to fix problems with my kidney. He came home upset over what was going on with his son and I get that. He was talking to everyone who would listen to him about it. Later that day I told him what was going on with me. Nothing is return not even one question. This went on for two weeks and finally I asked him about it. He told me he had so much going on with work and his son he didn't have time to deal with my problems. Not even as much as asking me if I was ok. I was there for him when it came to his son. * He told me not everything has to be about me*.....hurt big time....


That really hurt to read ... DH does not respect you. My response when my DW said the same words to me, "My life, how I live it and who I chose to share it with is 100% about me." Kindest regards-


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

frenchtoast said:


> The problem is he never let's me talk about my feelings. If I go to him about something I'm upset about he will turn it around and say "this is how I feel about something". We end up talking about his feelings and mine never get addressed. This has been going on since we got married almost three years ago. Up to this point he would claim it's not true.
> 
> I know how he feels but he is clueless to me and it hurts.
> 
> What would you do if this was you?


Which means he thinks how he feels is more important than how you feel. 



Mr.Fisty said:


> *Your in a one-sided relationship, where one gets more of their needs met than the other. There is no reciprocity, and that is making you resentful*. He is not treating you like a partner and being supportive. He does not have to fix your problems, but a partner should support you, and take care of you when your physically unable to. Your in a marriage without a real relationship.
> 
> As your guessing*, your resentment is destroying your love for him. * Love needs to be nourished, and in your case it is not. Be calm, and reasonable with him that your falling out of love with him, and you may want to separate from him. Tell him that there is no relationship between the two of you. In the mean time, you focus on yourself. You do what you can to get yourself back on your feet. You talk to people that care to listen, such as family and friends.
> 
> Your actually are a prime case of a walk away wife. *Eventually, you will learn not to talk to him, because it will get you nowhere.* You will grow distant, but at the same time we like to project to others that things are better than they seem. *Since your complaining less, he will believe that everything is better, not knowing that you are getting ready to leave him someday. **You both could have loved each other equally at first, but your resentment, and anger will destroy your love at a much faster rate*. While his love will remain stagnant, but he will care because he does not have the same issues towards you.


Mr. Fisty nailed this.

:iagree:

As someone who lived this relationship, I can tell you, he's spot on. Resentment has already begun to seep in. When you begin resenting someone (after repeatedly telling them soemthing is wrong and they keep dismissing your feelings), you lose respect for them. 

Resentment + loss of respect = emotional disconnect.

Women need to feel the emotional connection with their romantic partner.

If this dynamic doesn't change, I can bet that if you stay you will be completely unhappy. Or you will leave him.

He isn't treating you like someone who's feelings he cares about. I was in a relationship like this once and I said no more.


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