# Caught my wife flirting on texts



## bango

Hello, 
So I just found out a few hours ago that my wife has been very actively texting another guy for 2 years and I am completely lost and confused and angry. I don’t think this is a "me being jealous" scenario; I don't have a problem with her male friends. Just the one that I have never met.

Here is a time line back ground:
We met about 6 years ago at a Xmas party (she was a friend my sister in law). I was 29, she was 33. We hit it off and I found her very charming and intelligent and attractive. From 2011 to Aug 2016, we dated long distance (flying distance). I was the first one to have sex with her (I know it is unbelievable but it's true) sometime in 2013. 

We trusted each other completely. We saw each other once or twice a month and on my weeks off (I teach for a living, she is in medicine). We talked a lot on the phone and skyped at least 3 times a day. We got engaged in summer 2015 and married AUG 2016.She moved in with me in Aug 2016 and I could not be happier. No kids. No sign of another guy being involved. I stopped all contact with girls back in 2012. 

As far as emotional back ground: 
I never had a second doubt about marrying her. We get along perfectly. Lots of kisses, lots of cuddles, amazing sex (3-4 times a week at least. satisfaction on both sides), no arguments (we talk about the decisions we have to make and the problems we face easily). 

The only thing that gets her upset sometimes is the following:
We are both from another country. I came here (USA) 17 years ago. She came here a little more than 6. Sometime she talks about how much she misses home and how much money she can make if we went back and how her parents would be great support if we have kids and... 
In general, she would prefer to be back in our country if it was not for me. And we have talked about this many times. The result being that she would rather stay here with me and build a future. (Mostly because I would not have a career if I go back and starting from 0 in a 3rd world country is not the smartest idea) 

The atmosphere in the house is great. We cook together; we go shopping, hiking, visit friends, just cuddle, lots of laughs and silliness and anything you would think a normal healthy relationship should be like. 

She does spend a lot of time of her phone and I know she is a social person with a lot of friends from high school and college and family (men and women) that she is actively in touch with on the daily basis. And I have no problems with it. She tells me about all the conversations she has with everyone. Except........

This morning she wanted to go grocery shopping. I stayed home to prepare for a meeting in the afternoon. I got on the computer we share and right as I was going to close her Facebook page, she got a message from a guy saying " I really miss your beautiful face, where are you my angel?"

I have trusted her completely for 7 years. Never asked why she was late from work, never asked who is this guy liking her pics, never checked her Facebook or texts or emails, or anything in that nature. Complete. Trust. I knew I love her. I knew she loves me and she has proven she loves me. So there has never been any reason to worry. 

So when I saw a guy sending a lovey dovey message to my wife, I could not ignore it. I opened her messages to discover 2 years of messaging back and forth from 2015 until THIS MORNING. 
She loves poetry and writers and emotional bloggers. She is friends with several of them on Facebook and shows me their pieces sometimes. 
The guy is one of those bloggers in my country. 

I took a copy of 200+ pages of texting between them and saved it on a flash drive. Came to work in the afternoon and read them. 
It starts innocent enough; they talk about writing things and poetry and Facebook posts and so on. But fairly quickly takes a flirty tone. Example:" I loved your last FB post. I felt a real connection with it ", "you are welcome gorgeous", "I wish I could give you a hug as a price. Tee Hee".
For a whole year of texts, it’s basically flirting with lots of darlings and sweethearts and I miss you and you brighten my day and what would you do to me if you were here stuff. (Every single one felt like a dagger)

There was one mention of me in the texts as her fiancé immediately followed by the guy saying that he just got a divorce and then right back to flirting. No mention of me ever again. 

The flirting escalates to the point of “I really REALLY wish I could hold you in my arms and put you to sleep my lovely poetic man". 

Still............... “They have not met in real life yet” is what I'm thinking. 

We both went to our country for a 2 week visit in June/July 2016. We went separately we could not get our work schedules to workout. The last Facebook message on 6-16-16 reads "I'll be there next week, can we meet up?" then they exchange some phone app info so they can keep in touch after she gets there.

Then there is nothing from 6-16-16 to 23-11-16 and then they start with: something wrong with that app. Let's get back on Facebook!!! And the flirting starts back up with 20 times the intensity. All the way to this morning (When I was sleeping right next to her, holding her hand, thinking she is texting her school friends like usual) where they were jokingly talking about marriage.

I really need help. I don’t know what to do. Is this enough to full outrage? Am I blowing this out of proportion? WE JUST GOT MARRIED 6 MONTHS AGO FFS. Should I leave for a few days? File for divorce? Is it fixable? What if I get all the promises of no contact with this guy just to find out she is doing the same with another guy in 6 months? 
I can’t even imagine how she would react. Deny? Scream? Leave? 

I am lost. Very very lost. Please help me.

Do I want to be with her? Yes. But I don’t know if I should. 



Sorry about the long post




TLDR: caught wife hard core flirting with a guy for 2 years over text. had a perfect life. no red flags before. didn't see it coming.


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## Taxman

Sorry dude, you have an emotional affair that has been underground for a few years. First, figure out if you can come back from this. If you cannot, then you have an answer. If you can, you will need to do the following: (And her world is now toast).
Confront
Demand that she goes non-contact
Disclose to everyone you know, inclusive of parents, friends etc
Let the OM's family know. Let her parents know. Let everyone know that you were betrayed.
Start IC for yourself\
Demand that she goes into IC
Get a timeline
She was away in your home country without you, did they meet up? Better be sure that this was not physical.

BIG ONE-If she does not or will not comply, let her know you have no compunction about divorce.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Calm down as much as you can and dig.

Where is your line in the sand? That's the first thing you need to find out about yourself. If you read threads, you'll see a betrayed spouse will move their line on what they can accept. So, try your best to remain normal with her and decide where you are at and if you can reconcile. 


For some posters, you have two years worth of texts, missing time and at the very least a meet up attempt. That's enough to confront and divorce. Personally, I'd have to know for sure if they met and sex doesn't matter, you secretly met and I'm out.

DO NOT CONFRONT, unless you feel you have enough to satisfy you. You are already hedging so, I'd wait and keep digging.


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## bango

I'm not familiar with most of the terminology here. what is OM and IC?


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## Herschel

Why even bother. 6 months in, and a life time of anxiety. It sucks man, but do you really want to deal with this the rest of your life. If you confront, she will deny and gaslight and convince you it was only cause she was bored. You'll never feel satisfied with it, you'll never trust her. GTFO.


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## bango

I really want to know what they have been texting in the phone texting app before I confront her. 
Just imagining telling her parents and brothers about this bothers me.


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## phillybeffandswiss

OM=Other Man.
IC= Individual Counseling.

Tell us the app and type of phone people here know ways that may help.

Edit my bad.

I missed the 6 months of marriage with 2 years of hidden flirting before and after marriage. I saw 2012 and that stuck in my head. Nope, I'm with Taxman and Herschel, confront and get out. Sure, it can be fixed. Define "fixed." Doubt this early in marriage for the rest of your life? Plus, no kids. I'm out, Not for me. 


Still, 6 months in and during the so called "honeymoon phase" she is getting attention from somewhere else? Don't worry people will be along to help you blame yourself and see all the things you did wrong.


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## bango

Thank you. 
I believe they've been using Telegram and maybe What'sapp. 
I know the password to her phone. just never bothered to use it


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## manfromlamancha

It should be very clear to you that this is not just an emotional affair (EA) - 2 years! They definitely met up and probably had sex with this POS (piece of sh!t) when she went to your country making this a physical affair (PA).

You need to go into full stealth mode. Don't let on that you are on to her. Start monitoring all her communications and get your ducks in a row - finances etc ready for divorce if it comes to that. Confront when you feel you have enough evidence. Do the 180 to help yourself heal. Get tested for STD's. When you confront, give her the boundaries she will have to observe to even think of trying to fix this. She has to be ready to take a poly.

You need to get good evidence. By the way, do you mind saying which country you are originally from ?


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## Yeswecan

Affairs thrive in the dark. Open the window and let in the light. Exposing helps in curtailing further activity. Does the OM have a W? She needs to be contacted and advised of her H affair.


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## bango

we are both from Iran. both from good families. 

I guess I'm having a really hard time believing this. Nothing was wrong with us.
She tells me she loves me 10 times a day ( not like the walking out the door I love you. like, I would die If I couldn't love you). we have fun together. watch TV, cook, workout. how can she do this????? 
how can she sleep in my arms and text some douche bag blogger how much she misses him?????


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## Ol'Pal

SHUT YOUR MOUTH NOW and gather evidence if you still feel you need it. 

Don't let her gas light you and rug sweep, which is exactly what she will do when you confront her. If you allow this to happen you'll hate yourself for it and resent her forever. IT IS A BIG DEAL!


My personal opinion, GTFO ASAP.


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## bango

I'm gonna keep it cool and try to get by with a "I have a bad headache". I'll try to get into her phone after work. gotta go to class now. I'll be back in 2 hours.


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## eric1

I can help you on a technical level and I also speak a little bit of Farsi.

Movaffagh Bashid,
Eric


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## Herschel

bango said:


> Thank you.
> I believe they've been using Telegram and maybe What'sapp.
> I know the password to her phone. just never bothered to use it


They've been talking about ****ing each other and sending sex pictures. That's what you do on this other app. Do you think they are organizing a non-profit center for children that don't read good? Gather all you want, spend all your time, waste all you energy. This is a tale as old at time.


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## Taxman

Personally, I would not waste a lot of time. Have the texts sent to a computer that she does not have access. This is prima facie evidence of an affair which you will need to share with a lawyer. You have a lot of evidence, make sure that you safeguard it. Secondarily, the minute that you disclose to her, you should go after him. Let his family know. She has had another life for 2 years behind your back. What are you prepared to do?


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## Steve1000

bango said:


> I really want to know what they have been texting in the phone texting app before I confront her.
> Just imagining telling her parents and brothers about this bothers me.


I'm very sorry you're here. Because the texting resumed after she returned back to the states last summer, it is very likely that they did meet in person. If you are unable to find any information about the texting app they used or unable to find the deleted texts, it is possible to find the information directly from the other man by sending a message pretending to be your wife. Remember, you have nothing to be sorry about if your wife finds that you are using her phone to find out the degree of her cheating.


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## TXDude

I know you are going to need more evidence before you make a decision. Right now you are shocked, floored, your world is blown up and you don't want to lose your life, your wife, your marriage. 

Don't tell her you know, DO NOT TELL HER YOU KNOW!! Get in her phone and find those apps and see if the chat history is still there. If so then you probably have all the evidence, if it has been deleted then start chatting with the POS like it was your wife chatting with him and tell him that you are planning to return home in few weeks and see what he says.


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## GusPolinski

They probably met up during the trip back home, which is when they switched over to the other app.

What kind of phone does she use?


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## badmemory

Based on what you've told us, it's logical to assume that this turned into a PA when they had the opportunity to meet. But I don't blame you if you want to keep digging to find that smoking gun before you confront her. I would probably do the same.

You'll have to figure out your own threshold for forgiveness, but I will say this. For her to do this so early in the marriage doesn't bode well for your future with her. If she would cheat on you while you are in the honeymoon phase of your marriage; imagine how likely it is that she will do it again when you're not. When you have kids, financial stress and years invested in the marriage. Thus, it would not be bad advice to suggest you divorce her and don't look back.

But if you want to "consider" R with her; make her demonstrate to you that she is deserving of the second chance. She needs to show genuine remorse and be willing to accept all consequences - to include exposure, revised boundaries, and transparency. If she is not, then she has made the decision for you.

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem

bango said:


> We both went to our country for a 2 week visit in June/July 2016. *We went separately we could not get our work schedules to workout*. The last Facebook message on 6-16-16 reads *"I'll be there next week, can we meet up?" then they exchange some phone app info so they can keep in touch after she gets there*.
> 
> Then there is nothing from 6-16-16 to 23-11-16 and *then they start with: something wrong with that app*. Let's get back on Facebook!!! And *the flirting starts back up with 20 times the intensity*. All the way to this morning (When I was sleeping right next to her, holding her hand, thinking she is texting her school friends like usual) where they were jokingly talking about marriage.


Without a doubt they met in person, but since you're both Iranian, I don't know if they had sex unless you have read it in the messages. If they had sex, they would be constantly talking about what they did and how hey can't wait to meet again to do it. Cheaters can't help but reminisce about the sex they had. This is a very deep Emotional Affair (EA). What is your deal breaker here?

Seriously, you two went to Iran in June-July 2016, and then she marries you on August 2016? She's cheating before and after you were married, that's too much disrespect. This is just too early in the marriage for cheating. My advice is to immediately divorce, or else you will regret it when she cheats again. Leave now before there are children in the future. She can go back to Iran to be with her boyfriend.

Then you can pat yourself on the back for getting rid of her before you've invested more years of your life on her.


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## bango

Personally, the texts are enough for me. I'm too upset to translate the texts. but imagine how two 14 year olds text each other. that disgusting "I miss you, no I miss you more" language. That is beyond my tolerance limit. I have no doubt of emotional cheating here. I don't know why I want proof of PA before I confront her. but I need it. they never texted sexy pictures to each other on FB. But they have exchanged several pictures of themselves at work, in traffic, going to bed and ....

Like someone said, I bet the sexy stuff is on Telegram. 


starting to make my mind a little. should I talk to some kind of therapist? or lawyer? 
When I confront her, Should I just Print the text messages, give it to her, tell her I want her out by Sunday and leave? or stay and talk and try to be civil? or what?


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## Herschel

bango said:


> starting to make my mind a little. should I talk to some kind of therapist? or lawyer?
> When I confront her, Should I just Print the text messages, give it to her, tell her I want her out by Sunday and leave? or stay and talk and try to be civil? or what?


Yes to both. It's up to you how to handle it. If you have kids, civil is usually the best best method. If you don't, just be cold and calculating. Maybe talk to a lawyer before that, just to make sure you know what you can and can't do. You may not be able to kick her out of her house.


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## Taxman

From my experience, both of those are "sexting" applications. I have several clients that are Iranian ex-pats. Due to the severe repression in that country, affairs are taken underground quickly as discovery may be lethal. There are many here that are tech savvy enough to get her phone dumped. I would do this post-haste. You deserve answers and you do not deserve to be cuckolded. (PS even a little so-called "flirting" is at best inappropriate, but really just an emotional affair)


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## bango

The house is mine. no kids. we just did a court marriage and didn't sign any other documents. I don't think she would be the vindictive type but then again, I didn't think she would be the cheating type neither. Our marriage is not official in our country. only US.


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## phillybeffandswiss

bango said:


> Personally, the texts are enough for me. I'm too upset to translate the texts. but imagine how two 14 year olds text each other. that disgusting "I miss you, no I miss you more" language. That is beyond my tolerance limit. I have no doubt of emotional cheating here. I don't know why I want proof of PA before I confront her. but I need it.


This place is LITTERED with guys who want the entire truth. This place is littered with guys whose marriages are still on the rocks because of doubts. There are successfully reconciled people who admit they wonder about the entire truth.

You are not alone, but know your limit and then stop. Snooping, spying and checking can become an addiction used to fill the hole in your heart.


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## wilson

Talk to a lawyer. I'm sure it's hard to think about divorce, but that's really your best option. There's only a small chance she could be reformed, and that would take a significant amount of time and effort and you would never really know for sure.

You want to make sure you are protected financially. You don't want to drag this out for a long time and then find you have to pay more in alimony because you were married longer. Also, kids will greatly complicate things. It will be very easy for her to get "accidentally" pregnant the longer you stay together.


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## Lostinthought61

Bango, 

now is not the time to make an drastic decisions, i know that your mind is all over the place but i first start and see if you can obtain any additional info to see if this is strictly an emotional affair or it went physical...that may help in trying to understand the next course of actions....i am truly sorry you find yourself here after only 6 months of marraige


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## bango

going home. I'll try to update


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## SunCMars

Bem edee!

K'ahlee bad!


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## Bananapeel

You two haven't been married long. If you find proof of a PA you could talk to your lawyer about an annulment.


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## TX-SC

Honestly, if she has been doing this for your entire marriage, the marriage really is a sham and not worth fighting for. Tell her you know, show her the messages, tell her to get out. She should move back to her country ASAP. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Steve1000

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You are not alone, but know your limit and then stop. Snooping, spying and checking can become an addiction used to fill the hole in your heart.


That's pretty profound. I'm certain that many of us have been in that situation. I carried on daily for two years before I acknowledged that there is nothing new to be found.


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## MattMatt

It's almost as if the marriage never took for her.

This might be because her affair inoculated her against the marriage.

So, with this level of disrespect from her to you, pulling the plug looks like a logical step.


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## TDSC60

Talk to a lawyer about an annulment of the marriage. She was in a relationship with this other man before you married and continued with him after. Only six months in and her having a secret romantic relationship with another man might be grounds for immediatly ending the marriage. Basically, she married you under false pretenses. 

I'll bet money she met him in person during her trip home and that is why they switched to phone Apps. When she got back on FB they were 20 times more intense. That tells me not only did they meet face to face, they did more than just talked while she was there. She had a physical affair and that is why the flirting intensified.

Sorry, but you need to end this.


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## TXDude

bango, I would wait until you dig deeper. Get in her phone tonight and go into those apps and see if the chat history between them is still there. If not, then when she is asleep start chatting with the POS and tell him, "good news!! I'm going home in 5 weeks!!" You will then find out if they did hook up.


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## Graywolf2

bango said:


> I don't know why I want proof of PA before I confront her. but I need it. they never texted sexy pictures to each other on FB. But they have exchanged several pictures of themselves at work, in traffic, going to bed and ....


If you and your family were from the US I would tell you that you need to get more evidence. This is why: Your wife and her family would ask why are you making such a big deal over nothing. They were just friends and she's sorry for not telling you about her "friend." 

Don't tip your hand now. Does she ever call him or is it just texting?


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## *Deidre*

bango said:


> we are both from Iran. both from good families.
> 
> I guess I'm having a really hard time believing this. Nothing was wrong with us.
> She tells me she loves me 10 times a day ( not like the walking out the door I love you. like, I would die If I couldn't love you). we have fun together. watch TV, cook, workout. how can she do this?????
> how can she sleep in my arms and text some douche bag blogger how much she misses him?????


Because maybe she's not what you think she is. That happens in relationships. If you read a few threads on here, quite a few couples wake up after YEARS of being married to someone who is now cheating and breaking up the marriage. I don't think you should stay in a marriage where soooo early on, she is already looking for male attention elsewhere. You should be enough.


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## wilson

It's her particular pattern of flirting which leads me to believe it's not going to change. If she was faithful until an old boyfriend started contacting her, then maybe it could all be fixed. But this is clearly an ingrained behavior she has. It's almost like she's addicted to this type of flirting. Just like with a drug or alcohol addiction, you'll have to take extreme measures to make sure she doesn't slide back. 

She's going to seek out this type of attention in the future. This particular guy isn't the source of the problem, and getting rid of him won't fix anything. She'll just start flirting with some other poet blogger and the pattern will repeat over and over. The problem can only be solved when she no longer craves that kind of attention.


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## 23cm

See a lawyer as soon as possible. Find out what your rights are in the US. Courts here uniformly disadvantage men to the advantage of women. DON'T EVER think that a divorcing woman will not be vindictive. She'll have girl friends telling her to take you for everything cent she can. 

There's an old saying: When someone shows you who they are; believe them. She's showed you that she will persist, will hide, will lie certainly by omission and perhaps commission. Why search for body contact when you know they've connected mentally?


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## jsmart

With her cheating both before and after this short marriage and with no kids, I would file for D yesterday. 

You know they met up and took the relationship to the next level when they were back home. Don't torture yourself looking for evidence. Many times it's hard to get. Even if there is a slight chance that they didn't have sex, she has done enough to warrant you leaving her. 

If she's doing this so soon into the marriage, which is supposed to be the "honeymoon" period what's she going to do when down the road you have kids and she's "not happy?" Cut your loses. If you can get an annulment, that would be best. Just completely erase her from your life.


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## TRy

bango said:


> We saw each other once or twice a month and on my weeks off (I teach for a living, she is in medicine). We talked a lot on the phone and skyped at least 3 times a day. We got engaged in summer 2015 and married AUG 2016. She moved in with me in August of 2016





bango said:


> The flirting escalates to the point of “I really REALLY wish I could hold you in my arms and put you to sleep my lovely poetic man".


 Do you appreciate the fact that during the entire time that you were engaged, from the Summer of 2015 until you got married in August of 2016, you and the other man (OM) were both on the same footing with her? She was long distance to both of you. Both of your relationships were based mostly on communication that was not in person, and she told both of you how much she wanted to be with each of you, with her specifically telling the OM that “I really REALLY wish I could hold you in my arms and put you to sleep my lovely poetic man". She even saw him for two weeks just days before you got married to her. 



bango said:


> We both went to our country for a 2 week visit in June/July 2016. We went separately we could not get our work schedules to workout.





bango said:


> The last Facebook message on 6-16-16 reads "I'll be there next week, can we meet up?" then they exchange some phone app info so they can keep in touch after she gets there.


 Now that you know that there was another man, looking back on it you must now realize that she intentionally arranged to be there with him when you were not there; do you really think that she could not have worked it out to go when you could go if she really wanted to? That is the worst part about cheating. Once you find out that you have been lied to help facilitate her relationship with the OM, you must go back and relook at everything she has told you, with you now having to take into account the existence of the OM.


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## bango

at home.
She went to the gym. I pretend to feel sick. left her phone home. 
I went through all of her messaging apps. found their conversation in Telegram.

Looks like the only time they have used the app is when she was in Iran and they could not meet. She defiantly tried to meet him 3-4 times. but didn't happen. either she was busy with family or OM was on a business trip. 

at the end she says: " it's sad that I couldn't see you  now I won't get to give you your present."
I think that pretty much rules out PA.

No more communication on Telegram after coming back. 

apparently they have been calling each other. both over there and here. it's probably her calling him whenever I'm not home.


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## bango

I'll try to find and talk to a lawyer tomorrow. 
even if PA has not happened, it would if there was the opportunity. the EA alone is driving me crazy. and like one of you said, during the whole year we were engaged, she was full on flirting with this guy. 

I'll talk to the lawyer and consider my options. 

I'll keep updating. 
Thank you all


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## TheTruthHurts

@bango really sorry - particularly since she's been so close and affectionate to you. That part is unusual -often a WS can't keep 2 people in their heart, so they start to pick fights, rewrite history, and make the BS the bad guy to alleviate their guilt. In your case, maybe since it was long distance she knew nothing would happen so she has no guilt. IDK. But your exposure will be a BOMBSHELL to her - I doubt she'll have any idea that this could destroy her marriage.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts

TBH I'd never heard of an EA before TAM and it took me a while to accept that it's a betrayal. I'm pretty sure I was in the majority. But seeing the impact on TAM I now get it. But your W hasn't a care in the world, and leaves her phone unattended. I suspect she'll have no idea how much this crushes your soul and hurts of betrayal 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

MattMatt said:


> It's almost as if the marriage never took for her.
> 
> This might be because her affair inoculated her against the marriage.
> 
> So, with this level of disrespect from her to you, pulling the plug looks like a logical step.


Good One!

One of your better posts.


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## SunCMars

,,


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## eric1

Bango, what you have been served is a really awful form of abuse and I must say that your decisive action is impressive. 

You feel like crap? Well how do I do it? Decisive action that brings you out of infidelity. It will give you one of three options
1. It will snap her out of it and lead to reconciliation
2. It will not snap her out of it and you'll get your answer and you will follow through with divorce
3. It will snap her out of it but you will choose divorce

All three options get you out of infidelity the second she gets served, assuming you monitor her until you trust her again (and would be able to catch her)


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## becareful2

bango said:


> I'll try to find and talk to a lawyer tomorrow.
> even if PA has not happened, it would if there was the opportunity. the EA alone is driving me crazy. and like one of you said, during the whole year we were engaged, she was full on flirting with this guy.
> 
> I'll talk to the lawyer and consider my options.
> 
> I'll keep updating.
> Thank you all


Oh, Hercule! Finally, we have a betrayed husband who has some balls.

Take pictures of the evidence and don't let her destroy it.


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## Tatsuhiko

I predict a huge crying fit, kneeling on the floor, begging for forgiveness in the coming days. Don't fall for the tears or the attempts at seduction.

I think she does really love being married to you and doesn't want to lose that. But there's something wrong with the wiring in her head that allows her to lead a double life. She'd had to dig deep to figure out what is wrong with herself, and I'm not sure it's worth it for you wait around. This is the reason you should divorce. I have little doubt that she'll be able to demonstrate instant remorse. But the underlying wiring will still be wrong and would take years to fix, even if it was possible.


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## aine

bango said:


> Personally, the texts are enough for me. I'm too upset to translate the texts. but imagine how two 14 year olds text each other. that disgusting "I miss you, no I miss you more" language. That is beyond my tolerance limit. I have no doubt of emotional cheating here. I don't know why I want proof of PA before I confront her. but I need it. they never texted sexy pictures to each other on FB. But they have exchanged several pictures of themselves at work, in traffic, going to bed and ....
> 
> Like someone said, I bet the sexy stuff is on Telegram.
> 
> 
> starting to make my mind a little. should I talk to some kind of therapist? or lawyer?
> When I confront her, Should I just Print the text messages, give it to her, tell her I want her out by Sunday and leave? or stay and talk and try to be civil? or what?


Bango, you feel like you have been hit with a two tonne truck. The emotions, the pain, the doubt. You do not have to make any decisions about anything right now. Just try and play it cool with her. Pretend you are sick, pressure at school, etc.
I don't see why you have to dig some more, except for your peace of mind, though there is more than enough evidence to show she is having an EA and seem to have confirmed there was no PA - though not for want of trying on her end, don't forget the=at. And what was the present she wanted to give him? 

1. Do you have a close friend or relative, you can trust and confide in? Let them know now so that they can be your support for now
2. Get yourself IC to work through your emotions so that you can become stronger and show her no weakness when you confront her
3. Go see a lawyer to get the papers, you dont have to go through with it, but looks like the relationship and marriage you had is not what you thought it was (so sorry)
4. You are still young and have a chance to move on 
Take care of yourself first, go running, the gym, get rid of that anger and angst with exercise, try to sleep well, eat well, you will need to for the ride that is ahead.
Is there any way you can find out if the OM is married or has a girlfriend? If so blow up his world and send the texts to his wife right after you confront your girlfriend.


----------



## manfromlamancha

سلام آقا

متاسفم که وضع شما

Hello Bango, 

Really sorry to have you here.

When you two met in 2010, she was 33 and had arrived in the country 6 years before (27 years old) and went into medicine - was she already qualified in Iran or did she do further studies in the USA ? The reason I ask is when you say she was very social and stayed in touch with friends from school etc, were these friends in Iran or new ones in the USA or both ?

You dated from 2011 to 2015 long distance, then got engaged and married in 2016. That would put her now at about 39/40 and you at about 35/36. Did the two of you not want children ? I know this is not the best of questions (sexist), but why was she not taken (engaged or married) at 33 ? I am assuming she is attractive. Did she not want to build a family by that age ?

You cannot expect that a 27 year old lady did not have boyfriends in tow even in current Iran. If she is attractive then at the very least she would have had suitors. So saying that you were the first she had sex with is possible in a strict environment but it would not have been because she didn't want to. Also being as sociable as you say she is, she probably did a lot more than you think (but that's OK because she was free and single). For the records, I would find it hard to believe that you were the first - not saying that she slept around but lets just say that I have been around Iranians since I was 8 years old (International Anglo-American school) and have had many friends and known their families to the point where I would say she would have had plenty of opportunity.

Now here is what I suspect happened. 

She probably kept in touch with a number of "boyfriends" - sort of like taking part in a multi-horse race. You were the horse that finally came through, but for a sociable, 30+ year old, attractive and single female, the others probably gave her a huge ego lift and she was not about to let it go just because she had tethered herself to one horse (sorry for the analogy) and was prepared to ride more than one horse. After all, she is intelligent, professional and in an environment where she feels she could.

Now one of her "suitors" - this sher-o-shaaeri (poetry for my TAM friends) piece of **** (POS) bulli**** artist probably was a player and moved in on her back when you were courting her and kept it up. This would make him two things - not marriage material for her AND very sexy, exciting and titillating for her to be pursued in this way.

So you became the safe, loveable option and he became the sexy, in-love option - pretty good case of having cake and eating it at the same time.

I do agree that she engineered the situation for her to be there without you and it looks like she went there with the intention of hooking up with him. And I also agree that she definitely would have had sex with him if they met up and you are sort of lucky that circumstances didn't allow that.

By the way DO NOT MOVE BACK HOME with her as there are others probably waiting in the wings! You say she wants to go back home to be near her parents if you had kids - when exactly were you thinking of having kids ?!?!? Her clock is definitely ticking. If you want kids, are you not concerned about that ?

Also she would be the main earner and believe me, while others say that should never be an issue, let me tell you that most of the times it is. Many women are wired to respect a man that earns more than them. That would make her even more entitled than she feels right now.


The long and short of it is that while she is probably good to be with etc, she is not a mature, sensible lady and not the wife you were probably hoping for. You are still young enough to find someone who will want to be loyal to you and love just you and maintain the right boundaries etc. She is cheating and clearly not this.


I would secure whatever evidence you have got and go for an annulment while you can. As others have said you can continue to snoop and this will eventually become an addiction that fills the hole in your life where a loving relationship should be. Release her and let her go live the life she wants - it sounds like she doesn't need you financially or emotionally. 


If she begs to stay, then the first thing she has to do is prove to you that she really "gets it" in terms of how much she has hurt you, how you view everything she has said with suspicion (and that she is a monumental liar), what sort of effort she has to put in action to show you that she is not only sorry but genuinely in love with you - and all this has to come from her naturally. A tall order!

Don't waste too much more time in putting this into action as it will eat away at you and destroy you. Do what they call the 180 now for your own mind healing.

Take care and know that we are here to support you.

موفق باشید

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8. Filter Bypass/Obscenity: A profanity filter is in place and any attempts to bypass it are forbidden. You MAY type words that are filtered, as long as they are not abusive towards other quests or violate any other rules; however, you must allow the filter to do its job. Do NOT try to filter the word yourself and do not try to use creative spelling to bypass the profanity filter. Also, posting images of videos of obscene gestures, linking to obscene web sites, posting obscene or graphic descriptions of a decidedly adult nature, and violating a standard of decent behavior is not allowed.

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## ShatteredStill

I'm so sorry that you're going through this nightmare. As others have said, this should be your honeymoon phase, one of the happiest times in your life. What she has been doing is awful. I have been betrayed by an extremely emotionally intense & 'romantic' EA (in addition to a previous PA) & I KNOW that it's just as, if not MORE devastating. Why inflict so much pain for so little gain? Is it 'true love'? Ugh!! 

There are so many doubts. How could your love can sit right next to you smiling whilst doing that? it's such a cruel thing to do. My husband did that! He invited her into our home & cheated whilst I was sat on the SAME SOFA! Don't let anyone try to convince you that it's not as bad because they were not physically together.


Out of interest... How many days was he on a business trip when she was home without you? It's in my nature to try to find redeeming qualities in people (NOT always a good thing!). Is it possible that she actually did have opportunities to meet him but make excuses of being busy? Could it be remotely possible that it was all some ego boosting, sick game for her? Did she want the online 'high' but wouldn't physically cheat on you...or decided 'at the last minute' that she couldn't go through with it?

I know it wouldn't actually make things any better for me, not really. I've heard that whilst women are more hurt by the emotional side of adultery, men find the physical the hardest to get over. I'm wondering if you would be less haunted in your future life if you knew she wasn't going to physically cheat on you even if she could. 

I'm NOT saying reconcile!! I know that people can be permanently changed by infidelity. You sound like a very nice, moral, good man. You deserve so much better than this. Not all women cheat. I hate to hear of people forever changed & damaged by betrayal. Please do what YOU need to do, investigate & take all the time you need so you can get through this in the healthiest, least damaging way.

Best wishes.


----------



## RWB

bango said:


> *I didn't think she would be the cheating type neither.*


None of us did. The line forms around the corner.


----------



## Dr. Stupid

It does not matter if it got physical or not. A drunken one night stand would lack the intentionality that your wife's affair has had. 

For most men, their woman having a physical affair is far worse than an emotional affair. For most women, their man having an emotional affair is far worse than a physical affair. Thus, in many womens' worlds, their emotional affair with another man is doing to their man what would be the absolute worst thing that their man could do to them. 

6 months into a marriage, and an ongoing emotional affair, hidden (poorly) from one's husband, with a physical affair thwarted by fate, not by guilt or remorse. An attempt at reconciliation would be more feasible if your wife stopped the EA even on the night of the honeymoon, but she did not. 

In most jurisdictions, a 6 month marriage, with an emotional affair continuing both before and after marriage is grounds for an annulment. An annulment means that the contract was not broken, but never really existed to begin with. While you are married to a person who you considered to be the love of your life, you, in fact, never really knew her. 

That's only a question that you can answer, but, if you attempt to reconcile, knowing that she betrayed you from the start, and the reconciliation fails, your chances to annul plummet, especially if you continue a sexual relationship with her.


----------



## TDSC60

bango said:


> at home.
> She went to the gym. I pretend to feel sick. left her phone home.
> I went through all of her messaging apps. found their conversation in Telegram.
> 
> Looks like the only time they have used the app is when she was in Iran and they could not meet. She defiantly tried to meet him 3-4 times. but didn't happen. either she was busy with family or OM was on a business trip.
> 
> at the end she says: " *it's sad that I couldn't see you  now I won't get to give you your present."*
> I think that pretty much rules out PA.
> 
> No more communication on Telegram after coming back.
> 
> apparently they have been calling each other. both over there and here. it's probably her calling him whenever I'm not home.


It rules out a PA this time. But confirms her intention and desire to have a PA if it had been possible to meet with him.


----------



## bango

manfromlamancha said:


> سلام آقا
> 
> متاسفم که وضع شما
> 
> Hello Bango,
> 
> Really sorry to have you here.
> 
> When you two met in 2010, she was 33 and had arrived in the country 6 years before (27 years old) and went into medicine - was she already qualified in Iran or did she do further studies in the USA ? The reason I ask is when you say she was very social and stayed in touch with friends from school etc, were these friends in Iran or new ones in the USA or both ?
> 
> You dated from 2011 to 2015 long distance, then got engaged and married in 2016. That would put her now at about 39/40 and you at about 35/36. Did the two of you not want children ? I know this is not the best of questions (sexist), but why was she not taken (engaged or married) at 33 ? I am assuming she is attractive. Did she not want to build a family by that age ?
> 
> You cannot expect that a 27 year old lady did not have boyfriends in tow even in current Iran. If she is attractive then at the very least she would have had suitors. So saying that you were the first she had sex with is possible in a strict environment but it would not have been because she didn't want to. Also being as sociable as you say she is, she probably did a lot more than you think (but that's OK because she was free and single). For the records, I would find it hard to believe that you were the first - not saying that she slept around but lets just say that I have been around Iranians since I was 8 years old (International Anglo-American school) and have had many friends and known their families to the point where I would say she would have had plenty of opportunity.
> 
> Now here is what I suspect happened.
> 
> She probably kept in touch with a number of "boyfriends" - sort of like taking part in a multi-horse race. You were the horse that finally came through, but for a sociable, 30+ year old, attractive and single female, the others probably gave her a huge ego lift and she was not about to let it go just because she had tethered herself to one horse (sorry for the analogy) and was prepared to ride more than one horse. After all, she is intelligent, professional and in an environment where she feels she could.
> 
> Now one of her "suitors" - this sher-o-shaaeri (poetry for my TAM friends) piece of sh!t (POS) bullish!t artist probably was a player and moved in on her back when you were courting her and kept it up. This would make him two things - not marriage material for her AND very sexy, exciting and titillating for her to be pursued in this way.
> 
> So you became the safe, loveable option and he became the sexy, in-love option - pretty good case of having cake and eating it at the same time.
> 
> I do agree that she engineered the situation for her to be there without you and it looks like she went there with the intention of hooking up with him. And I also agree that she definitely would have had sex with him if they met up and you are sort of lucky that circumstances didn't allow that.
> 
> By the way DO NOT MOVE BACK HOME with her as there are others probably waiting in the wings! You say she wants to go back home to be near her parents if you had kids - when exactly were you thinking of having kids ?!?!? Her clock is definitely ticking. If you want kids, are you not concerned about that ?
> 
> Also she would be the main earner and believe me, while others say that should never be an issue, let me tell you that most of the times it is. Many women are wired to respect a man that earns more than them. That would make her even more entitled than she feels right now.
> 
> 
> The long and short of it is that while she is probably good to be with etc, she is not a mature, sensible lady and not the wife you were probably hoping for. You are still young enough to find someone who will want to be loyal to you and love just you and maintain the right boundaries etc. She is cheating and clearly not this.
> 
> 
> I would secure whatever evidence you have got and go for an annulment while you can. As others have said you can continue to snoop and this will eventually become an addiction that fills the hole in your life where a loving relationship should be. Release her and let her go live the life she wants - it sounds like she doesn't need you financially or emotionally.
> 
> 
> If she begs to stay, then the first thing she has to do is prove to you that she really "gets it" in terms of how much she has hurt you, how you view everything she has said with suspicion (and that she is a monumental liar), what sort of effort she has to put in action to show you that she is not only sorry but genuinely in love with you - and all this has to come from her naturally. A tall order!
> 
> Don't waste too much more time in putting this into action as it will eat away at you and destroy you. Do what they call the 180 now for your own mind healing.
> 
> Take care and know that we are here to support you.
> 
> موفق باشید



You would understand the underlying social points since you know the culture. Thank you for your input. 

She became a MD in Iran and then moved to the US thru a research program with plans of passing the foreign doctor equivalency exams and get accepted to a residency position. The original plan was if she didn't pass the exams or didn't get accepted to a residency program in the first 2-3 years, she'll move back. 

She didn't get accepted by that deadline but got accepted to a fellowship program in Florida where she was from 2014 until the summer she moved in with me. She got a very good chance to be accepted to a residency program this year. she would find out in march. 

we met during the first year she was here. our long term relationship didn't become serious serious until early 2013. 

She is from a fairly traditional family (Bazari) in a fairly traditional country. I know she had many suitors in Iran ( Khastegar) but according to her " I couldn't imagine my self being in the same bed with any of them."
I know she had a kinda serious boyfriend when she came here and that relationship was still around 7-8 months after we met. 

I do know she tried to date an American colleague of hers the first year she was here (slipped out of one her friends). It didn't really bother me. It was the first year. I was still talking to some girls too. 

I am about 35 and she is about 39. yes, the clock is ticking. we do talk about kids 1-2 times a week. I'm 65% kids, she is 85% no kids. We planned on where ever she get accepted to a residency program, I'll move in with her and we'll have a kid.


I can't look at her the same way anymore. the past 2 days has been painful trying to talk. She knows something is wrong but I keep saying it's work stress and headache. but she knows something is wrong. 

We have talked about the main earner issue. She doesn't care about money all that much and she always says she loves my job (I'm a department chair at a local college). It leaves more time to spend at home. but what do I know. I don't even know who I'm talking to when I go home.


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## manfromlamancha

That's interesting Bango. 

So she was a doctor, and is now trying for (medical) residency in the USA. Why did she come to the USA in the first place? Especially since it sounds like she was comfortably off in Iran - the educated daughter of a bazari family means money was not her problem. Bazaris pretty much controlled the economy during the Khomeini years.


In your first post you said she talked about kids and how going back to Iran would help with that but then you say she is 85% no kids !?? Why do you think this is? I think she wants to have her lifestyle of being able to flirt while also being married to you and having kids would put a dampener on things like that. At home in Iran she would probably rely heavily on grandparents to take care of kids etc.


By the way, when I said she probably had guys lining up for her in Iran etc, I was not referring to Khastegari. This would be a given. I was talking about other Don Juans who she actually liked, not necessarily getting physical with them but enjoying the attention, flirting and ishqbazi in general. She sounds a bit flaky in that she is probably highly emotional, lives in a world of poetry and fluff, and gets off on being pursued by sweet-talking romeos (bachay fufool).


In any case, she has some maturing to do in her ways. I guess you need to confront her. Tell her that you know about her communications with the a$$h0le - don't tell her how much you know and certainly don't tell her how you know. Make sure you include her time in Iran too. 

Before you do this get a VAR in her car and in your house (wherever she makes phone calls from). This way you will get more information. As soon as you confront she will call him to let him know that you are onto them. This will give you more info. 

Tell her to give you a complete timeline of what has been happening and warn her that you already know quite a bit so she better not leave anything out. You need to be ready to lose her in order to stand any chance of coming through this. She will try to find out what you know so as to admit only to just that. Don't let her do that. Ask her to give you the info not the other way round and then you might have some chance of reconciliation if she is completely honest and completely remorseful (which is not the same as regret at being caught).

Then come the conditions and boundaries for reconciliation and all the heavy lifting has to come from her. Anything short of all this should be met with divorce. In fact start filing now (you can always cancel it later). Do not do the "pick me" dance or beg and plead with her. You cannot get her back by being nice. You will need to do the 180 to heal yourself after you confront. Exposure to all should be your next step depending on what she says.

The longer you let this go on, the worse the effect on you. 

Good luck, agha!


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## TDSC60

I do not know about your culture, but I do know that if she does get accepted into a residency program planning to have children during that is not a good idea. Medical residency is incredibly stressful and time consuming, even sometimes fatal to a marriage even without kids involved.


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## john117

What's your and her immigration status?


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## hifromme67

bango said:


> I really want to know what they have been texting in the phone texting app before I confront her.
> 
> Just imagining telling her parents and brothers about this bothers me.




Don't go tattling on her to everyone like a child. You are a grown man and you will regret it if you do. If you stay together, you will look stupid and they will hate her. It's your business, not everyone elses.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Cynthia

Under no circumstances should you have sex with her. If you decide you'd like an annulment, I think it is impossible if you have sex with her after having found out about her other relationship. Please speak to an attorney before doing anything. Yes, she realizes you are upset about something, but that is her problem. Keep putting her off until you have a plan and can speak to her intelligently about what you plan to do. She has no voice anymore. She has deceived you and has no right to ask you for anything.


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## bango

Haven't told anyone yet. 
I'm a citizen. She's on green card.


I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer in 2 hours. 


I'm conflicted between options:

1) go home. drop a copy of the texts on the table. tell her how I can't live a life long of suspicion and don't know how she can make this right.and give her a week to leave the house (she has a lot of stuff) while I go to a motel. 

2) get the divorce papers and go with the fear of god. If you do this again I'll do blah blah blah and If I find you even send a Hi to someone like this I'll do blah blah. ( I'll try to be as stern and calm as I can be)

3) go with option 1. tell her how betrayed and hurt I am. Leave till Sunday and tell her to make up her mind about how she wants to proceed with the divorce route or the promises route.


Please keep in mind, I love this woman. I've put all I am in this relationship. I was willing to do anything necessary to be with her. whether if it's fighting my family, upsetting my brother, moving to another city or country.anything. It's very tough to not consider a second chance. 

I don't believe she doesn't love me. I don't believe she just doesn't care. She has proven her self many times.

But on the other hand, this affair has cut me deep. very deep.


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## TX-SC

Based on what I am reading here, and not knowing you or her personally, I bet she will choose to divorce and move back to Iran. She has a potential mate there, she wants to go back anyway, so why hassle with earning your trust again? 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## bango

I know it sounds like I'm trying o convince my self to stay. and I'm sure many of you have been in this position. But it's unbelievably hard to decide to throw it all away. 

I guess for option 3, should I even give her the option to decide?


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## alte Dame

From what you've said, I think she is homesick and would prefer to live in her home country. She thus romanticizes the life there, including a potential life with this POSOM. It's pure fantasy, though, in that she only knows him virtually and her rainbow/unicorn land delusion is heightened by her homesickness. The fantasy of an A is bad enough, but I suspect hers is seriously intensified by 1) the fact that she gets to imagine so much about him (i.e., she doesn't know him in person), and 2) he's an artsy-fartsy type from the culture that she so badly wants to return to.

This is a very bad betrayal, in my opinion. She has been living a double life for a long time now; she has cheated and lied with you, all the way into a marriage commitment. The dishonesty is breathtaking and, for me, a dealbreaker.

At the same time, I think she will crash hard when her fantasy on steroids implodes, as it almost certainly will. I hope you will try hard to separate your knowledge about what is right and best for you from your feelings for her when she crashes. It is YOUR life, after all. She is not good marriage material and has already blown up your life. If you are looking out for your own future, you won't let it happen again with her.

So sorry.


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## wilson

Go in with divorce papers, but see how humbly she reacts. If she seems truly remorseful, you might have a chance at recovery. But if she does a lot of blame shifting (if you paid more attention to me, I wouldn't have ...) or justification (he's just a friend. I'm allowed to have friends.), then true recovery is not likely.

If you decide to stick it out, have her sign a post-nup which clearly spells out what will happen if she does anything like this again. But be aware that even if she is totally committed to recovery, it will be very hard for her to give up this behavior.

One condition for recovery would need be that she cannot use social media or similar apps. The temptation to flirt would be too strong. It's like saying a recovering alcoholic can't hang out in bars anymore. There would need to be lifestyle changes made so that she can avoid temptation.


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## Lostinthought61

bango said:


> I know it sounds like I'm trying o convince my self to stay. and I'm sure many of you have been in this position. But it's unbelievably hard to decide to throw it all away.
> 
> I guess for option 3, should I even give her the option to decide?




Bango,

before you decide could i suggest that you first show here everything and ask her to explain everything....if she does not sound remorseful, if she tries to cover herself, or sounds contrite, then at that point tell her you have seen a lawyer and show her the door....but if knows she has done is wrong, if she accepts her actions and behavior and willing to expose herself to her family and others as atonement, no delete and go off facebook, to become transparent to you, to get help, maybe there is hope.


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## Grapes

Dont show her everything you have. Show her the minimal. Show her the most recent one you saw and make it seem like its all you know. Dont let on that you know everything especially when it started.

Then tonight show her the minimal and ask her how long this has been going on. Her answer to this question tells you everything you need to know. She will probably lie... right to your face. 

You can take it a step further and question about iran trip. you know the truth therefore you know when shes lying. 

If she lies... boot to the a$$ out the door.


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## TAMAT

bango,

On the other hand gather up your evidence, let her go back to Iran, send a letter to the local Imam and then let Sharia law do the work for you.

Tamat


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## eric1

Bango,

You kind of have your options backwards. You tell her:
- that you know that she has been having atleast an emotional affair
- you have seen a lawyer to understand your rights and to protect yourself
- you are unsure of what actions that you are going to take beyond that. This is the honest truth, why not just use it?

This puts the ball back in her court - SHE can say "you can have full access to my phone, I'll never contact again, I'll send a no contact letter bla bla bla bla bla" Leaving the ball in her court not only is right because SHE is the one who must be driving the process, but by making her drive the process you can evalute if she is really remorseful. Of course, hedge your bets and be honest - tell her even if she moved the sun that you couldn't promise that you can live with this.


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## Popcorn2015

hifromme67 said:


> Don't go tattling on her to everyone like a child. You are a grown man and you will regret it if you do. If you stay together, you will look stupid and they will hate her. It's your business, not everyone elses.


On the contrary, if you decide to divorce, you should send her parents everything so they understand.


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## Popcorn2015

TAMAT said:


> On the other hand gather up your evidence, let her go back to Iran, send a letter to the local Imam and then let Sharia law do the work for you.


Bro, that's ****ed up.


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## jb02157

Go in with guns blazin, she will have to pay for this. Send out copies of the texts to her parents and siblings with a letter that you intend to divorce her. Stop all credit cards and accounts you have in common with her. Don't say a damned thing to her, let her family tell her what you plan to do. Send a message to the POSOM that you are aware of what's been going on and she has just gotten caught. When she comes to you with "I'm sorry" Bull**** story and tears, have divorce papers ready with a copy of all the texts. See what her reaction is and if she makes a compelling case to stay with you. It's my guess that she only going to be sorry she got caught and everyone knows. All she probably wants to go home to this guy.


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## hifromme67

Popcorn2015 said:


> On the contrary, if you decide to divorce, you should send her parents everything so they understand.




They are not kids. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## eric1

jb02157 said:


> Go in with guns blazin, she will have to pay for this. Send out copies of the texts to her parents and siblings with a letter that you intend to divorce her. Stop all credit cards and accounts you have in common with her. Don't say a damned thing to her, let her family tell her what you plan to do. Send a message to the POSOM that you are aware of what's been going on and she has just gotten caught. When she comes to you with "I'm sorry" Bull**** story and tears, have divorce papers ready with a copy of all the texts. See what her reaction is and if she makes a compelling case to stay with you. It's my guess that she only going to be sorry she got caught and everyone knows. All she probably wants to go home to this guy.


I disagree with this. By contacting her boyfriend you are playing a hand. If she is indeed remorseful then how she handles ghosting him is one of the more important benchmarks in the entire thing.


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## SunCMars

eric1 said:


> I disagree with this. By contacting her boyfriend you are playing a hand. If she is indeed remorseful then how she handles ghosting him is one of the more important benchmarks in the entire thing.


Eric,

You usually take a harder stance with Waywards. Any reason?

Sun


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## Spicy

OP, I am so sorry you are here.

This is a tremendous amount of emotion and information to process in barely over 24 hours. Rarely is a great decision made in the heat of the moment. This is your wife, and you love her. She is definitely involved in a EA. You are not sure which direction to go, because you are in panic and complete overload mode.

Is it feesible at all for you to get space from her for a night or two without showing your hand? Even if it meant telling her you have the flu so as to not alert her so she can start thinking about how she will reply? I do think you want the element of surprise on your side. Personally, I would need to gather myself together, so I layed it all out the way I decided, and then watch her reaction and slowly make decisions from there.

I am so sad this has happened. Yet again, social media desolates another marriage out of something that started innocently.


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## BetrayedDad

bango said:


> We both went to our country for a 2 week visit in June/July 2016. We went separately we could not get our work schedules to workout. The last Facebook message on 6-16-16 reads "*I'll be there next week, can we meet up?"* then they exchange some phone app info so they can keep in touch after she gets there.
> 
> Then there is nothing from 6-16-16 to 23-11-16


You're too late friend. This is WAY past flirting.

They banged. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Guaranteed.

If she tells you otherwise, she's a remorseless liar.

Get an annulment IMMEDIATELY while you still can!


----------



## eric1

SunCMars said:


> Eric,
> 
> 
> 
> You usually take a harder stance with Waywards. Any reason?
> 
> 
> 
> Sun




I think that you keep every option open for putting the wife on the spot. Plus, what does calling the dude get? He'll just laugh in your face.

By playing the long game you figure out where your wife is and then no matter what happens you can blow up his life when he least expects it. And when I mean blow it up, I am a huge proponent of revenge. It makes the world a better place giving everyone some accountability


----------



## bango

Talked to a lawyer today. I'm mostly secure financially since we have not bought anything significant since August. There is no marriage annulment in my state for my case. Since I don't have an absolute proof of indecent sexual conduct no matter what the textra say.
Pretty much gotta go thru divorce. 
It is possible for both to seperate, then after a year of separation one can file for divorce. No need for court. Cheapest option. 

I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you all for your support.


----------



## EleGirl

bango said:


> Haven't told anyone yet.
> I'm a citizen. She's on green card.
> 
> 
> I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer in 2 hours.
> 
> 
> I'm conflicted between options:
> 
> 1) go home. drop a copy of the texts on the table. tell her how I can't live a life long of suspicion and don't know how she can make this right.and give her a week to leave the house (she has a lot of stuff) while I go to a motel.
> 
> 2) get the divorce papers and go with the fear of god. If you do this again I'll do blah blah blah and If I find you even send a Hi to someone like this I'll do blah blah. ( I'll try to be as stern and calm as I can be)
> 
> 3) go with option 1. tell her how betrayed and hurt I am. Leave till Sunday and tell her to make up her mind about how she wants to proceed with the divorce route or the promises route.
> 
> 
> Please keep in mind, I love this woman. I've put all I am in this relationship. I was willing to do anything necessary to be with her. whether if it's fighting my family, upsetting my brother, moving to another city or country.anything. It's very tough to not consider a second chance.
> 
> I don't believe she doesn't love me. I don't believe she just doesn't care. She has proven her self many times.
> 
> But on the other hand, this affair has cut me deep. very deep.


Before you make up your mind of what to do, I suggest you read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and gives you a lot of info on a good plan of action.


----------



## JohnA

I am not comfortable asking this, but would exposure to her family result in physical danger? If so, do not do so. Instead maintain her failure to have children has caused you to divorce.


----------



## eric1

Bango - you have some thinking to do but do not stall removing yourself from infidelity.

You don't need to be like 'I KNOW YOU ARE CHEATING. I DECLARE....DIVORCE!'

You confront her and tell her that you know that she has a boyfriend and let her know that is obviously not ok. You do not need to do or say anything else material at this time. You need to just demand if she wants to stay in the marriage that you will have access to all of her devices, she must maintain no contact and she must see a counselor. Even then you cannot guarantee anything. 

You can use the divorce play if you want to, but you are a decisive guy. If she cheats again you can divorce, if she isn't remorseful you've already done most of the work or if you just want to get divorced then you can.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Bango, don't make any decisions just yet. While you do have enough info, you could do with more. Also you need to see what she says/does about what you know when you confront her.

If you can, get a hold of her phone and find out what the content of those texts were if you can - this would be excellent. If you cannot, then go with what you know but be firm about it - do not waiver just because you don't have more proof. You have enough. Then go to confrontation after you have your financial ducks in a row and divorce application done.

Do confront her along the lines of "I know what you have been up to for all this time with (…whatever his name is …) and would like you to have the decency of telling me the whole truth: what you feel about him, exactly what you have done including time in Iran, what you intended to do, and finally why." Do not show her the texts or give any indication of how you found out.

Maybe say things like "I could do poetry too if you offered to hug me to sleep, my sweet poetic woman" to make her understand that you know.

Remind her that if she would like to reconcile then even the slightest lie or omission will lead to divorce. Do go in with divorce papers (you can cancel at any time).

She may deny until she sees proof but don't show her the proof yet. Just proceed with divorce.

She may choose to trickle truth and/or lie and if she does, this is the toughest result as you will have to ask her to take a polygraph or go with your gut-feel.

In either case, she may choose to go back to Iran because, as some are saying on this thread, she may live in a fantasy world of poetic lovers and romantic gestures which she thinks she can pursue in Iran. Alternatively, she may just not be into this marriage as you thought (doctors normally have to be very level-headed). OR … she is really out of love with you because she is in love with somebody else and you may just have the tip of the iceberg. 

Along these lines, you need to prepare yourself for the fact that there may have been/be others. This will need to come out in the truth telling to.

You will need to be firm and proceed with your divorce if she doesn't beg for forgiveness and offer to make things right.

If (in the very rare circumstances that I have seen) she manages to come clean and tell you the whole truth, it will be hard for you to hear. Ask for all the details etc. Then come back here for help in making your mind up. 

At that stage, if you think you might like to reconcile, you should be ready with a list of your demands including no contact with other men, complete transparency on all her means of communications and her having to show in actions (not words) her willingness to do all the heavy lifting needed to help you heal and repair this marriage.

I do not believe that exposure of this affair will not threaten her safety or well being so I think it would be healthy to expose. To ensure the cheating stops dead in its tracks and also to help her come out of any fog she is in.

I am curious as to what you think her family would say/do if you told them. Would they deny along with her ? Would they be OK with it. Would they be upset with you ? Blood is thicker than water so I do believe that if it does end up with the two of you splitting, they would take her side.

So in summary, wait to see what she says when you expose before taking any new final decisions. Do file for D just to be prepared. Maybe even get yourself tested for STDs although I am not sure it went that far (in Iran or in the US). This will give her a huge wake-up call or slap-in-the-face so to speak.

Take care and proceed with caution.


----------



## bango

at work. Haven't said anything to her yet. every minute is difficult trying to pretend nothing is wrong. and my behavior definitely shows it even after headache and work issues. 

The timeline of this is what bothers me the most. 

I wouldn't have this much of a problem with it if it happened 3 years ago. I would have thought "well, she is a young, good looking doctor. of course she keeps her options open until she is sure. I have to be better than the others.If I'm no better that some online, I'll tell you what you want to hear, blogger, it is partially my fault" and I would consider more lenient reconciliation options. 

I wouldn't have this much of a problem with it if it happened 3 years from now. By then, the honeymoon phase would be gone and we would have actual problems and fights and arguments. If this happened then I would have thought " well, people change, she has changed, I have changed. Relationships get boring, She might be looking for excitement. Both gotta find out what is missing and fix it. " and I would consider more therapy and sit and talk options. 

but this happened last year. We were just engaged like 2 weeks before they started talking. it was not official engagement, but me and my mother went to her parents house in Iran (summer 2015), and we exchanged rings and lots of pictures and ask for blessings and all that. 

for 2 years I drove 7 hours to Florida twice a month to be with her as much as I could while she was full on flirting with this guy. 

I wish I had the time to translate the texts. Maybe someone could tell me If I'm over reacting here. 
They are hard to translate because a lot of it is baby talk in another language. I'm not sure if doing so here would be appropriate even if I take out all the names and contact info and pictures.


----------



## Evinrude58

eric1 said:


> I think that you keep every option open for putting the wife on the spot. Plus, what does calling the dude get? He'll just laugh in your face.
> 
> By playing the long game you figure out where your wife is and then no matter what happens you can blow up his life when he least expects it. And when I mean blow it up, I am a huge proponent of revenge. It makes the world a better place giving everyone some accountability


Had to requote this because I liked it so much.


----------



## ButtPunch

This is just an opinion but it is my opinion of someone who has been there.

You have not been married long enough to justify saving this.

You do not have kids together, correct? 

You are not financially intertwined where you lose half your wealth.

I say cut your losses and find someone who can truly love you.

Not someone who says they do and then can compartmentalize another 
relationship behind your back while you are supposed to be in the honeymoon 
phase of yours.


----------



## Evinrude58

bango said:


> at work. Haven't said anything to her yet. every minute is difficult trying to pretend nothing is wrong. and my behavior definitely shows it even after headache and work issues.
> 
> The timeline of this is what bothers me the most.
> 
> I wouldn't have this much of a problem with it if it happened 3 years ago. I would have thought "well, she is a young, good looking doctor. of course she keeps her options open until she is sure. I have to be better than the others.If I'm no better that some online, I'll tell you what you want to hear, blogger, it is partially my fault" and I would consider more lenient reconciliation options.
> 
> I wouldn't have this much of a problem with it if it happened 3 years from now. By then, the honeymoon phase would be gone and we would have actual problems and fights and arguments. If this happened then I would have thought " well, people change, she has changed, I have changed. Relationships get boring, She might be looking for excitement. Both gotta find out what is missing and fix it. " and I would consider more therapy and sit and talk options.
> 
> but this happened last year. We were just engaged like 2 weeks before they started talking. it was not official engagement, but me and my mother went to her parents house in Iran (summer 2015), and we exchanged rings and lots of pictures and ask for blessings and all that.
> 
> for 2 years I drove 7 hours to Florida twice a month to be with her as much as I could while she was full on flirting with this guy.
> 
> I wish I had the time to translate the texts. Maybe someone could tell me If I'm over reacting here.
> They are hard to translate because a lot of it is baby talk in another language. I'm not sure if doing so here would be appropriate even if I take out all the names and contact info and pictures.


Nobody here will say you're overreacting. This stuff she's been doing is something I feel is a party of her that won't go away. You have to be the judge of that, but what people say and do regarding infidelity is mysteriously almost script-like.
I've been here for a couple of years and read a lot of people's stories. It's eerie how they all seem to follow a pattern.
When my ex started her craziness and I wound up here, people were telling me what she'd say before she said it. What would happen, what she'd do.
It did.

My conclusion in your case is that you have a serial cheater on your hands. As you've correctly surmised, she was even cheating at the point in your relationship when she should have been most in love with you.
I honestly don't see your marriage headed toward good places. How could you ever trust her agsin? 

My advice is to send her packing and lead your own happy life and find another.

There's no way to look at this without seeing her for the monster she is.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Bango your not over reacting, in fact i would venture to say that none of us here would say that your over reacting, it needs to be addressed, and she needs to explain herself, completely and fully....and then address the consequences, and since this is all the information you will get...i suggest you sit her down or call her, and tell her that tonight we are going to talk about so and so, and you have once chance at telling me everything before your relationship and if i think you are lying i am divorce....now after all that you may still divorce her, but it needs to be addressed....but since you already know what is going on between the two of them...you have the proof, so let's see what she is wants to say about it. but i would make it clear that you want to know EVERYTHING, and you only have one shot at it.


----------



## Grapes

eric1 said:


> Bango -
> 
> You don't need to be like 'I KNOW YOU ARE CHEATING. I DECLARE....DIVORCE!'


All i can picture is Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

bango said:


> but this happened last year. We were just engaged like 2 weeks before they started talking. it was not official engagement, but me and my mother went to her parents house in Iran (summer 2015), and we exchanged rings and lots of pictures and ask for blessings and all that.
> 
> for 2 years I drove 7 hours to Florida twice a month to be with her as much as I could while she was full on flirting with this guy.
> 
> They are hard to translate because a lot of it is baby talk in another language. I'm not sure if doing so here would be appropriate even if I take out all the names and contact info and pictures.


Yes and this is exactly why it should bother you. As someone said earlier, you can stop the process. Heck, I might even believe in the just wait it out portion, but it continued into your marriage. She actively tried to continue meeting with this guy. Part of the reason I disagree with waiting is a child changes all perspectives and makes EVERYTHING much more difficult.

Also, you saw what a little lie did. So, make sure you do not make any promises or bargains you cannot keep.


----------



## bango

I'm leaning toward this:

Go home. sit down to talk. go over the story of our relationship ( I think this helps me to remain calm).
Then ask her what she knows about the guy. To tell me everything about her relationship whit this guy. ask her detail about their conversation. ask her how she would describe their conversations. ask her about the timeline. 

Basically to figure out how much she is willing to lie and how much she is willing to save this by telling the truth. 
However she responds, the next part remains.

after I get all I can from her. I'll tell her:"I love you, I put all I am in this relationship. But at this time, I do not see a reason why I should stay. I've been deeply hurt and I don't know if I can ever recover. I'll leave the house until Monday after work. you are either gone by then. or you convince me to stay. you figure out how.". Then I'll go to a nearby motel and turn off my phone. 

Monday afternoon, If she stays, I'll listen and decide then.


----------



## ButtPunch

bango said:


> I'm leaning toward this:
> 
> Go home. sit down to talk. go over the story of our relationship ( I think this helps me to remain calm).
> Then ask her what she knows about the guy. To tell me everything about her relationship whit this guy. ask her detail about their conversation. ask her how she would describe their conversations. ask her about the timeline.
> 
> Basically to figure out how much she is willing to lie and how much she is willing to save this by telling the truth.
> However she responds, the next part remains.
> 
> after I get all I can from her. I'll tell her:"I love you, I put all I am in this relationship. But at this time, I do not see a reason why I should stay. I've been deeply hurt and I don't know if I can ever recover. I'll leave the house until Monday after work. you are either gone by then. or you convince me to stay. you figure out how.". Then I'll go to a nearby motel and turn off my phone.
> 
> Monday afternoon, If she stays, I'll listen and decide then.


You need more time to emotionally detach. I can tell by your writing you really want to save this thing.
Be careful.......she has shown you who she is. It is up to you to believe her.


----------



## Steve1000

bango said:


> I'm leaning toward this:
> 
> Go home. sit down to talk. go over the story of our relationship ( I think this helps me to remain calm)..


Mentally prepare yourself for listening to her say something that you know is a lie. Your stress level is already very high, so you'll need to find a way to remain calm and intelligent. Even the best remorseful spouses will lie in the beginning.


----------



## sokillme

bango said:


> I'm leaning toward this:
> 
> Go home. sit down to talk. go over the story of our relationship ( I think this helps me to remain calm).
> Then ask her what she knows about the guy. To tell me everything about her relationship whit this guy. ask her detail about their conversation. ask her how she would describe their conversations. ask her about the timeline.
> 
> Basically to figure out how much she is willing to lie and how much she is willing to save this by telling the truth.
> However she responds, the next part remains.
> 
> after I get all I can from her. I'll tell her:"I love you, I put all I am in this relationship. But at this time, I do not see a reason why I should stay. I've been deeply hurt and I don't know if I can ever recover. I'll leave the house until Monday after work. you are either gone by then. or you convince me to stay. you figure out how.". Then I'll go to a nearby motel and turn off my phone.
> 
> Monday afternoon, If she stays, I'll listen and decide then.


This is very good. I wouldn't say the part about "convince me to stay." Don't give her any motivation, see what her motives are without your input. You are a 35-year-old man. This is the beginning of your prime, you will have very many opportunities. Don't assume just because your normal husband like emotional attachment to this women, that make you want to bond, that it is the right choice. You can have that with a wide pool of women. That is inherent to your nature, this nature is also what makes you feel like she is the only one right now. She's not. 

The thing you want is when you have this with someone who honors and cherishes it. So far this woman has shown you she doesn't. She probably doesn't even understand the value in it (scary). Don't give that away just because you love the person. Love is not enough. Respect and honor are just as important. That makes you different than a lot of other men. Besides everything else being able to emotionally bond (meaning pair with only this one person for life) is probably the most valuable aspect that anyone looks for in a mate. You have that. She didn't value it true, but even more so, YOU need to value that in yourself. You are a good husband. A faithful husband. This character makes you very desirable to the right woman.

Finally, do not go to a hotel and sit and ruminate. Yes, don't sleep at your house for a while to put the heat on her. If that means sleeping at a hotel then so be it. However, do stuff, don't just sit with your pain. It will just make it worse and make you more susceptible to making a bad choice. Plan something that you will enjoy, at least is much as possible under the cercomstance. This should not be a punishment for you.


----------



## sokillme

Steve1000 said:


> Mentally prepare yourself for listening to her say something that you know is a lie. Your stress level is already very high, so you'll need to find a way to remain calm and intelligent. Even the best remorseful spouses will lie in the beginning.


If you are lying how remorseful can you be? If this is the best, then the bar is very very low.


----------



## Steve1000

sokillme said:


> If you are lying how remorseful can you be? If this is the best, then the bar is very very low.


Who knows, but it seems like the best remorseful spouses don't become that way until after some time passes. They're first obsessed with minimizing, then self preservation. Because the betrayed spouse is suffering and desperate for the pain to go away, this tactic often works (for awhile) until months or years later when resentment sets in. Once in a blue moon, there is an exception of a spouse coming clean without being caught. 

I admit that I think the bar is very low.


----------



## BetrayedDad

bango said:


> I'm leaning toward this:
> 
> Go home. sit down to talk. go over the story of our relationship ( I think this helps me to remain calm).
> Then ask her what she knows about the guy. To tell me everything about her relationship whit this guy. ask her detail about their conversation. ask her how she would describe their conversations. ask her about the timeline.
> 
> Basically to figure out how much she is willing to lie and how much she is willing to save this by telling the truth.
> However she responds, the next part remains.
> 
> after I get all I can from her. I'll tell her:"I love you, I put all I am in this relationship. But at this time, I do not see a reason why I should stay. I've been deeply hurt and I don't know if I can ever recover. I'll leave the house until Monday after work. you are either gone by then. or you convince me to stay. you figure out how.". Then I'll go to a nearby motel and turn off my phone.
> 
> Monday afternoon, If she stays, I'll listen and decide then.


I don't know why OP but I like you....

Scratch that, I do know why. Cause you sound like a man with character and conviction.

Look their are two kinds of people in this world. People who take it and people who give it.

You don't seem like the sh!t sandwich swallowing type to me.... Don't start waffling bro.

We both know you're not going to live with the resentment. When you "R" you have to "live with it".

Bail. Why the **** would you listen to anyone here about trying to "work it out". She don't want you.

You are LITERALLY A NEWLY WED! This is supposed to be the HONEYMOON phase of marriage!

And she's already in love with another dude?!? No one texts for a year then doesn't bang in a meetup.

NO... ****ING.... WAY.... They ****ed like rabbits (porn style) then literally laughed at you. 

No protection by the way. They never do. All the while the inks NOT EVEN DRY on the marriage license?

BAIL BRO. DUMP this sloot like the POS she is. You got your WHOLE ahead of you. Why SQUANDER it?!?

It these kind of moments in OUR LIVES that define us. I know you, know what you need to do.

Just ****ing do it bro. Man up and do it. Listen to your gut. Get this trash out of your life ASAP.


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## thenub

I think you should talk to her like you said above but instead of you going to the hotel, have a room booked for her and have her go. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58

Betrayeddad said it pretty plainly--
You don't have to live with this, you don't have to wait until she's "unhappy" and leaves you for Iran and her man.
Don't slooots get stoned over there when caught?
That would be ironic if she did.....

Seriously, if she can make lots more money elsewhere and already wants another dude, I don't see this going well for you either way. I'd cut bait.


----------



## eric1

Grapes said:


> All i can picture is Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy.


lol that's exactly what I was thinking of when I wrote that


----------



## eric1

Bango -

Whatever it is, the longer you wait the longer you will need to recover. Just do it - your plan sounds great - your only real goal here is getting out of infidelity. Everything else is window dressing at this point.


----------



## bango

well I did it. went home, sat her down and told her how much I love her and that I never cheated on her. then I asked who is the guy. She tried to sweep it under the rug saying :"oh that's just some guy i talked to a couple of time on Facebook. is that why you've been upset the past 2 day?" so I remained stern and drilled her. she tried to deny and sweep and basically minimize the damage. but as I started telling her more detail about her conversation with the guy. she started to get nervous. I told her twice that our marriage depends on her honesty. still she tried to minimize the damage and didn't tell the truth about when the last communication was. 

So i stood up and said I'm leaving until Monday after work, you are either gone by then or you convince me to stay. that's when she broke down. I guess at the moment she realized I'm a lot more than just mad. I went up satires to get my back pack while she cried. after i came down she begged me to stay. she was on the floor crying her heart own and saying she doesn't know how she can be this stupid. 
i tried to go thru the door but she stood there and forced me to stay and talk.

It was gut wrenching watching the tears fall from her face. tried my best to not break down my self. hardest thing i have ever done emotionally. 

she started to admit she was wrong and stupid. how they have never met and i can check all her social media. how she can't believe her self and would never forgive her self. how she knows i'll never forgive her. how she has never done anything like this before and promise she will never again. how she will do anything so i just don't leave the house. she begged and apologize as tearfully as anyone could. she begged for a second chance. 

I was mostly silent and just staring at her. told her there is no way I can forgive her now or anytime soon and I can not stay here. she offered to leave her self but my mind was already set for this. 
trying to hold back my tears.She kept asking what can she do so I stay, i said you figure out how to gain my trust again and we'll talk sunday. eventually i left out the door and told her i'll be back Sunday ( I caved a bit), do your thinking, do your crying, and find a way to keep me in this marriage. or we have nothing else to talk about. and left. she was on the floor crying as i left.

The whole thing didn't take more than 40 minutes. sitting at Wendy's now. haven't ate anything all day. 

I think she fully understood how serious this is. she has never seen me like this. 

I'm just as upset. this didn't make me feel good.


----------



## Yeswecan

Sorry it came down to this. It appears to me she may be crying because she got caught. Not any remorse and only talked about herself. Did she care to ask how you were feeling?


----------



## nursejackie

sorry you are going through this pain. It sounds like you did well. It sounds like you got through to her and she will have a lot to think about. 
All of it just hurts so bad. Good luck.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

Well, her reaction is disturbing. She didn't hesitate to lie to you about him. 

You did the right thing. When you go back on Sunday, how she behaves will be very telling on how this will play out. She could rug sweep & pretend as if nothing ever happened. She could blameshift it onto you. I did it because you didn't . . . blah blah blah. Or I did it because you did this . . . blah blah blah. 

Or she could completely own up to everything. You'd have a good chance of reconciling if she takes full responsibility. Good luck. Do NOT contact her at all this weekend. Go silent.


----------



## bango

to be fair she did several times. She did say how she would be just as mad and I have every right to be like this. But I knew if started talking about how i felt i would start to cry with her. So i kept on topic.


----------



## bango

I'm sure i'm missing a lot of what she said in detail. over all I felt her remorse. She has been sending me messages on facebook non stop. haven't read them yet. 

not planning to go home no matter what. let her have at least a full day to think.


----------



## TDSC60

When you do talk to her next time ask her what was the "present" that she wanted to give him but did not get the chance to when she was home last. I'll bet I know what it was she wanted to give him.


----------



## bango

TDSC60 said:


> When you do talk to her next time ask her what was the "present" that she wanted to give him but did not get the chance to when she was home last. I'll bet I know what it was she wanted to give him.


I did ask. to show how much I know. She bought the guy one of those German beer mugs from the airport. which she gave to one her friends husband in one of our trips. It checks out


----------



## bango

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Well, her reaction is disturbing. She didn't hesitate to lie to you about him.
> 
> You did the right thing. When you go back on Sunday, how she behaves will be very telling on how this will play out. She could rug sweep & pretend as if nothing ever happened. She could blameshift it onto you. I did it because you didn't . . . blah blah blah. Or I did it because you did this . . . blah blah blah.
> 
> Or she could completely own up to everything. You'd have a good chance of reconciling if she takes full responsibility. Good luck. Do NOT contact her at all this weekend. Go silent.


I didn't find it that disturbing. I am not trying to down play what she has done. But in any situation, I try to put my self in their shoes. I imagine if I was her, I would surely try to minimize the damage. starting with ignore ans sweep. i guess it matters to me how persistent she wants to be in ignoring and sweeping which she was not ( at least not yet). by the first 10 minutes she took all the blame.


----------



## bango

I read her texts. She is taking responsibility for all of it. she is saying how sorry and stupid she is and how she will eternally sorry for this " unacceptable online fling" . She says she never thought of it being more than a fling so she didn't delete any of the texts ( I don't believe this part). and how she would never think of any man other than me and how she can't live without me and please come home and begging for forgivnessk and all kinds of apologetic texts you can think of. but i do believe she is sorry


----------



## TDSC60

She may be really remorseful but she has to figure out why she did this and why she kept it secret from you. 

Is interaction with another man something that she needed and enjoyed - yes obviously? 

She knew it was wrong because it was kept secret. Did she get off on keeping a secret romance from you? Did that thrill her and make it exciting? 

If she cannot see why she did it the odds of it happening again are high.

Why did she continue lying to you? One thing you need in marriage is honesty. 

Now you have to decide if this is something you can get over eventually.

Your walking out the door is the best thing you could have done.


----------



## bango

TDSC60 said:


> She may be really remorseful but she has to figure out why she did this and why she kept it secret from you.
> 
> Is interaction with another man something that she needed and enjoyed - yes obviously?
> 
> She knew it was wrong because it was kept secret. Did she get off on keeping a secret romance from you? Did that thrill her and make it exciting?
> 
> If she cannot see why she did it the odds of it happening again are high.
> 
> Why did she continue lying to you? One thing you need in marriage is honesty.
> 
> Now you have to decide if this is something you can get over eventually.
> 
> Your walking out the door is the best thing you could have done.



These are great questions i can ask when i go back. thank you


----------



## ButtPunch

You are too emotionally involved too make good decisions.

Her reaction tells you nothing. 

She lied minimized just like they all do. 

You deserve better bro

If she can compartmentalize another bf, while in the honeymoon stage of your relationship, she is capable
of anything. 

She has got an emotional hold on you and you need to break it.


----------



## manwithnoname

She told you that she never met him? But the texting went silent when she was on the trip, so that proves they did meet.


----------



## john117

The question that I don't see anyone asking is "why"...

If it was physical or the guy was her long lost boyfriend from Tehran... But to go thru all this trouble while maintaining the facade and knowing the risks...

Usually such things happen not just because, but because there's some (perceived or actual) unfulfilled need. Get her to give you a reason for all this. She's an educated woman, not a doe eyed teenager....


----------



## bango

manwithnoname said:


> She told you that she never met him? But the texting went silent when she was on the trip, so that proves they did meet.


I went over this one in earlier post. she was only there for 10 days and her Telegram text prove they didn't meet. she did try to meet him outside (like coffee shop or a book store as the texts say) but didn't happen. the intent for meeting was there.


----------



## Absurdist

bango said:


> I went over this one in earlier post. she was only there for 10 days and her Telegram text prove they didn't meet. she did try to meet him outside (like coffee shop or a book store as the texts say) but didn't happen. the intent for meeting was there.


Bango I find it strange that I have linked this thread on another post just three weeks ago or so.

While you are along tonight I think it would do you good to read this thread from beginning to end. It will give you many things to think about.

Just Joe's Thread


----------



## TDSC60

bango said:


> I went over this one in earlier post. she was only there for 10 days and her Telegram text prove they didn't meet. she did try to meet him outside (like coffee shop or a book store as the texts say) but didn't happen. *the intent for meeting was there*.


And her intentions are what makes all this more painful. Was she just going to continue the secret romance with poetry guy? She wanted to meet him and tried to set it up but (as I recall) his work made it impossible for him.

From some of the texts you have quoted, she has/had romantic feelings for the guy. She invested a lot of time and effort to maintain contact with him while keeping it secret from you. This will be hard to overlook. 

Is she ready to the work that it will take to R - are you ready? R is not easy after confirmed infidelity. Yes - her giving her time and attention to this guy is infidelity.


----------



## bango

john117 said:


> The question that I don't see anyone asking is "why"...
> 
> If it was physical or the guy was her long lost boyfriend from Tehran... But to go thru all this trouble while maintaining the facade and knowing the risks...
> 
> Usually such things happen not just because, but because there's some (perceived or actual) unfulfilled need. Get her to give you a reason for all this. She's an educated woman, not a doe eyed teenager....


"Why" would be the main question when i go back. 

unfortunately, in many ways she is still a doe eyed teenager. She grew up in a traditional middle eastern family. Like most countries, girls are protected a lot more vigorously than boys. so her traditional father and 4 brothers made sure to keep the girls safe. which resulted in pretty much no contact with boys until university. even in university, most of her contact has been with her suitors.

( to explain what that means, in my country a "suitor" is a complete stranger who one days shows up at the girls house with his parents and ask for ma.rriage just because they heard from someone that a good girl lives in that house. not always a complete stranger, most of the time it is someone the family member or a friend knows. for the most part, the suitor and the girl has never met before. used to be that the boy and the girl would have no say so in this deal. the parents would talk and if they agree, their children would be married. today most families allow the boy and the girl to actually go on a few dates before they make a decision and the final decision would be theirs). 

so until she moved here, her understanding of boys, let alone men, was very limited.she still has no clue about mens general behavior. 



Don't get wrong here, I have not caved. There are still so much to ask before I make a decision. but i also want to give her at least a chance to explain her self.


----------



## TAMAT

bango,

Your W is in a high risk profession for affairs which are often rampant at Hospitals.

Have your W write out a detailed timeline for the affair. 

Then have your W take a polygraph. 

You need to find out if she sexted with him or thought of him when she was with you, basically you need to answer all the questions you have now or might occur to you even years or decades from now.

You don't want to look back 20 years from now and wished you left because you never got the honest story.

Will your W sign a post nuptial agreement?

Tamat


----------



## bango

Absurdist said:


> Bango I find it strange that I have linked this thread on another post just three weeks ago or so.
> 
> While you are along tonight I think it would do you good to read this thread from beginning to end. It will give you many things to think about.
> 
> Just Joe's Thread


This was a great advice. thank you


----------



## john117

My wife is from a very similar Central Asia culture... With two daughters we have an entire set of suitor jokes 😁 much to Mom's chagrin. 

She may be inexperienced in some aspects but right and wrong are not too difficult to distinguish.

The thing is 1. how much do you trust her, and 2. How much will send rebel against this.


----------



## mickybill

Sounds to me that you did very well "dropping the bomb". You kept strong and calm, the key is remain strong and NC over the weekend. YOu should read her msg but not respond more than one word responses like yes or no. Don't be going home at 9am on Sunday. Later in the day, maybe after the super bowl. (OTOH it would have really made an impression that you are serious if you had a key card for her at the local Holiday inn and she had to leave home.)

Take time and re read the advice you get there as you make up your list of questions for Sunday evening. The present sure was not what "we" were expecting....there still may be more to it but she did have an answer. She's got a lot 'splaining to do. Was she the pursuer or was he? MAybe he freaked when she showed up in Iran.

When the motor cop lights you up , they ask "do you know why I am stopping you?" Only a saint or a fool says admits to rolling the stop sign when the cop saw you going 40 in school zone. NO ONE caught doing something they shouldn't is going to spill all the beans immediately. For most the first reaction is panic, then self preservation, then trying to determine how much the other person knows. Then WS will take different paths (sometimes all at the same time) like crying, regret for getting caught, stonewalling, TTing, rugsweeping, blameshifting, shapeshifting.

Hang in there and do something you like over the weekend.


----------



## sokillme

bango said:


> I read her texts. She is taking responsibility for all of it. she is saying how sorry and stupid she is and how she will eternally sorry for this " unacceptable online fling" . She says she never thought of it being more than a fling so she didn't delete any of the texts ( I don't believe this part). and how she would never think of any man other than me and how she can't live without me and please come home and begging for forgivnessk and all kinds of apologetic texts you can think of. but i do believe she is sorry


Dude they are words that's easy. She would never think of another man? She texted one for months and gave him gifts no less, who is she kidding. She sure wasn't thinking about you when she was talking about getting with him. Ask her how you know these words aren't as unimportant as the words she wasted on the other guy, since she is so good at saying a bunch of words. You are going to need a whole lot more then that. The thing is, this is what they all say. How do you know she is not also talking to him right now telling him how unfair you are being? Point is you don't know. If I were you I would not speak to her and not come back until Wednesday. Let her suffer, she deserves it. 

I also wouldn't really use her words as a determining factor. Words are easy, actions are hard. She was giving her boyfriend gifts while married to you. This is the kind of women we are dealing with. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman like that. Where would it have gone if you didn't catch her? A lot of people couldn't do such an evil thing, could you do that? Could you basically lie to her for months on end for your own ego? 

The thing no one is going to say on here is that a women who has a boyfriend while married has so little value as a life partner. Really, like none, most of the time she is trouble then she is worth. You are better being alone. That goes for male cheaters too. The very basics of a good spouse, I am talking like Honda Civic level, is a spouse is faithful. It is basically the least you should expect in the person you marry. 

For your own benefit, take your emotions in put them in a box and really just think about the kind of person you are going to commit to living your life with, who you may have children with. You said yourself nothing was wrong and you had a good relationship, so nothing is wrong in your relationship and this is what she does? What happens when it gets hard. She shows you her character here. It's poor. 

I am telling you there are cheaters and not cheaters, you will have a better life in the long run if you don't commit it to a cheater. You will always be unsure. You honestly will never be safe. They are broken. That is a hell of a way to live. 

Where would this have eventually gone if you didn't catch her. The internet is littered with people who took a cheater back only to learn that words and sometimes even love wasn't enough to change a persons nature. At least you found out at 35 not 55.


----------



## sokillme

TDSC60 said:


> Now you have to decide if this is something you can get over eventually.


No one gets OVER it if thy stay they live with it.


----------



## eric1

bango said:


> well I did it. went home, sat her down and told her how much I love her and that I never cheated on her. then I asked who is the guy. She tried to sweep it under the rug saying :"oh that's just some guy i talked to a couple of time on Facebook. is that why you've been upset the past 2 day?" so I remained stern and drilled her. she tried to deny and sweep and basically minimize the damage. but as I started telling her more detail about her conversation with the guy. she started to get nervous. I told her twice that our marriage depends on her honesty. still she tried to minimize the damage and didn't tell the truth about when the last communication was.
> 
> 
> 
> So i stood up and said I'm leaving until Monday after work, you are either gone by then or you convince me to stay. that's when she broke down. I guess at the moment she realized I'm a lot more than just mad. I went up satires to get my back pack while she cried. after i came down she begged me to stay. she was on the floor crying her heart own and saying she doesn't know how she can be this stupid.
> 
> i tried to go thru the door but she stood there and forced me to stay and talk.
> 
> 
> 
> It was gut wrenching watching the tears fall from her face. tried my best to not break down my self. hardest thing i have ever done emotionally.
> 
> 
> 
> she started to admit she was wrong and stupid. how they have never met and i can check all her social media. how she can't believe her self and would never forgive her self. how she knows i'll never forgive her. how she has never done anything like this before and promise she will never again. how she will do anything so i just don't leave the house. she begged and apologize as tearfully as anyone could. she begged for a second chance.
> 
> 
> 
> I was mostly silent and just staring at her. told her there is no way I can forgive her now or anytime soon and I can not stay here. she offered to leave her self but my mind was already set for this.
> 
> trying to hold back my tears.She kept asking what can she do so I stay, i said you figure out how to gain my trust again and we'll talk sunday. eventually i left out the door and told her i'll be back Sunday ( I caved a bit), do your thinking, do your crying, and find a way to keep me in this marriage. or we have nothing else to talk about. and left. she was on the floor crying as i left.
> 
> 
> 
> The whole thing didn't take more than 40 minutes. sitting at Wendy's now. haven't ate anything all day.
> 
> 
> 
> I think she fully understood how serious this is. she has never seen me like this.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm just as upset. this didn't make me feel good.




A complete and utter clinic on how to retain control. ANYONE who either wants to possibly either 1. Reconcile or 2. Divorce with dignity should read this over ten times.

This might be the best I've ever seen someone on one of these boards. You may feel like **** now...but you have control. There is an end to your pain. VERY few people in your position at this stage can say the same.


----------



## eric1

Also

Leave her to stew tonight , responding to her is soothing her. And she will not come to hard decisions if she's being soothed

And it wasn't an 'online fling'. She was looking to meet up. Maybe they didn't have sex, but this was some online affair. That implies you'll ever meet physically, and her intent was there to meet.


----------



## sokillme

john117 said:


> Usually such things happen not just because, but because there's some (perceived or actual) unfulfilled need. Get her to give you a reason for all this. She's an educated woman, not a doe eyed teenager....


Baloney, these things happen because the person who does them is an emotionally deficient person. Because they have serious issues. Why you would think education has anything to do with it is beyond me. Have you not read any of these stories? Doesn't matter what the education, what the religion, what the race, rich or poor, if the marriage was good or bad. The deciding factor is that the WS has very poor empathy and short term thinking. Even when they struggle to fix themselves it's like a blind man discussing colors. It is a foreign concept. Really the person they are with and their situation most of the time has nothing to do with it. They are not fully functioning when it comes to relationships.


----------



## bango

I have only replied with i need to be along for a while. and a few yes and no to simple questions. 

I'm reading everything and I appreciate all you inputs. I'm gonna make a list of questions she needs to answer with total honesty.
making sure she understands the full scale of the consequences if she does not. 

I'm a lot calmer now. trying to get some sleep.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

eric1 said:


> A complete and utter clinic on how to retain control. ANYONE who either wants to possibly either 1. Reconcile or 2. Divorce with dignity should read this over ten times.
> 
> This might be the best I've ever seen someone on one of these boards. You may feel like **** now...but you have control. There is an end to your pain. VERY few people ON TAM in your position at this stage can say the same.




Fixed your comment. The world is full of people who stick to their boundaries. TAM helps people who, for various reasons and mostly good intent, have a hard time with this


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Davidmidwest

Hi,

Commit to working on the relationship, sex, romance, communication, therapy by a trained therapist by John Gottman, Ph.D. If you both decide to give it a go do this too. Go to a Dr. John Gottman Ph.D's marriage seminars, listed to Dr. Gottmans Audio CD book called. "what makes love last." Six Audio CD's and appendixes that you both complete to understand your relationship, communication style, trust and betrayal levels that if you do not attune to will ultimately lead to divorce. He can tell up to 75% accuracy who will divorce. This relationship scientist knows beyond scientific fact how to fix marriages to the pre-marital bliss state for the most part for most couples. Read and do all the book work and self and together practice to bet back that spark, or feeling to begin a new in a trust and safe place together.

In Recap
Give a deadline for her to choose to comeback and start loving.
Listen and be supportive, No you did statements to her, If she does them to you stay neutral, say I hear you, then say is there anything else that I need to hear that I had not asked or in-tune to understand. You just opened a door for a pleasing discussion or peace that she feels heard.
See a therapist
Do read, listen, and practice the stuff from the book I mentioned above. It will list everything you both to learn that you had no clue what both of you were doing wrong. Once you start this book you are not going to believe how you both have been sabotaging real intimacy to love where you leave, separate or divorce from the relationship. I am not talking sex her. That is later in the book.

Work on the tips and master them. Your marriage should become what hoped for and dreamed of.
If you are at a point that you feel that there is no chance. It's o.k. Read, listen, and do the exercises because it will only make you wise, relate better, and understand why we treat a stranger better than our spouses.

Good Luck.

David


----------



## becareful2

She has three strikes against her as far as reconciliation is concerned: she cheated before the marriage, she cheated during the marriage, and especially during the honeymoon stage of the marriage, and she works in a high stress medical industry where infidelity is rampant. She is very good at compartmentalizing, and acted normally during all this time, with no troubled behavior or guilty facial expression at all. Maybe because of her good looks, she feels entitled to do things that make her happy, regardless of how it affects her husband. What she's feeling right now is fear and regret. She regrets that she got caught, because she knew it was a fling and didn't stop it. She knew exactly what she was doing and planned the whole thing out. She cries now because of the fear of exposure to her parents and close friends. The public shame that she will heap upon her parents and her family scares her. I'm not sure I buy that it's genuine remorse, because genuine remorse involves empathy for the pain she has caused you. What if this happens years from now, after you've had kids or when she has a mid-life crisis or feels bored being a wife to you? Are you willing to live with occasionally spying on her? What kind of life is that?


----------



## john117

sokillme said:


> Baloney, these things happen because the person who does them is an emotionally deficient person. Because they have serious issues. Why you would think education has anything to do with it is beyond me. Have you not read any of these stories? Doesn't matter what the education, what the religion, what the race, if the marriage was good or bad. The deciding factor is that the WS has very poor empathy and short term thinking. Even when they struggle to fix themselves it's like a blind man discussing colors. It is a foreign concept. Really the person they are with and their situation most of the time has nothing to do with it. They are not fully functioning when it comes to relationships.


Education helps prevent or mitigate some of this emotional deficit. The chance of an MD falling head over heels for an internet beau would hopefully be a bit less than the chance of a lesser educated person falling for it.

As an MD she will be expected to have some empathy, or, failing that, expected to understand the risks she's taking. 

Having said this... My late sister in law bought the farm from a PA... And she was an MD.


----------



## BetrayedDad

bango said:


> I went over this one in earlier post. she was only there for 10 days and her Telegram text prove they didn't meet. she did try to meet him outside (like coffee shop or a book store as the texts say) but didn't happen. the intent for meeting was there.


You mean this? 



bango said:


> found their conversation in Telegram.
> 
> Looks like the only time they have used the app is when she was in Iran and they could not meet. She defiantly tried to meet him 3-4 times. but didn't happen. either she was busy with family or OM was on a business trip.
> 
> at the end she says: " it's sad that I couldn't see you  now I won't get to give you your present."
> I think that pretty much rules out PA.


1) Still doesn't rule out a last minute rendezvous unless she sent that last message after trip. Or she meant they didn't get to meet up THAT day, not the whole trip.

2) Even if she missed the opportunity, you know damn well his "present" was her crotch on top of his. 3-4 times in 10 days? She was DESPERATE to meet up with him. Desperate women don't meet up for "hugs". She may as well have friend cause in her mind, she wanted the D. 

The only upside to scenario 2 is you didn't get cucked. Consider yourself lucky and bail before she does smash this dude. She trickled truthed and gas lighted you. Her tears were for GETTING CAUGHT. She was doing damage control. Don't be a sucker friend.


----------



## sokillme

Here is another thread you might want to read. Remember time is the one thing you can't get back.

Here is another post from a cheater. See you can do all the work and do everything right, be the best husband, and it won't matter because it really isn't about any of that. These people are broken.


----------



## sokillme

john117 said:


> Education helps prevent or mitigate some of this emotional deficit. The chance of an MD falling head over heels for an internet beau would hopefully be a bit less than the chance of a lesser educated person falling for it.
> 
> As an MD she will be expected to have some empathy, or, failing that, expected to understand the risks she's taking.
> 
> Having said this... My late sister in law bought the farm from a PA... And she was an MD.


You have way to much faith in education, education contributes very little to character. 

here

and here

Both list have lawyers and healthcare as two of the highest. Education has nothing to do with it. Lots of times people become MD's because of the status it brings them.


----------



## john117

Cheaters in the physical sense, and within a western cultural framework of male power.

So, could it be in her mind she wasn't cheating?


----------



## eric1

I think what people are saying is that it's reasonably clear that if it was not a PA then it was her clear intent to turn it into a PA. 

We don't need to harp on that and you're a smart enough guy to not let that get whitewashed out.

I'd really really really really focus on staying silent with her. Not even one word answers. She has some hard questioning to do with herself and soothing her hurts. But more importantly you have 36 hours to emotionally ground yourself. You need to be as calm as you can and need those full 36 hours. The reason for this is that emotion needs to take a back seat to logic ASAP. Disengagement is how you do that at this point.

Even reading here can escalate that. Sure come and spend 20 minutes using the discussion to help sort your feelings, but right now you are drastically better off watching tv or exercising or something rather than dwell. 

You have some tough times coming up, you need to be balanced


----------



## Evinrude58

You need to be careful that you understand that they mostly all cry and pit on a show when they get caught. It has ZERO to do with real remorse.
Everything to do with shame and fear.

I don't know if anyone knows the exact recipe for decoding real remorse, but I do think it can only be seen by observing their actions over time. 

You are going to have the sad and difficult job of trying to objectively determine if your wife is worthy of reconciliation, while being in love with her. I don't envy your situation.

I just hope you are able to eliminate emotion from the equation as much as you possibly can. One's love for their wayward spouse can be a terrible weakness in the case of infidelity.
Wishing you luck.


----------



## Malaise

eric1 said:


> I think what people are saying is that it's reasonably clear that if it was not a PA then it was her clear intent to turn it into a PA.
> 
> We don't need to harp on that and you're a smart enough guy to not let that get whitewashed out.
> 
> I'd really really really really focus on staying silent with her. Not even one word answers. She has some hard questioning to do with herself and soothing her hurts. But more importantly you have 36 hours to emotionally ground yourself. You need to be as calm as you can and need those full 36 hours. The reason for this is that emotion needs to take a back seat to logic ASAP. Disengagement is how you do that at this point.
> 
> Even reading here can escalate that. Sure come and spend 20 minutes using the discussion to help sort your feelings, but right now you are drastically better off watching tv or exercising or something rather than dwell.
> 
> You have some tough times coming up, you need to be balanced



I have the feeling she'll use the 36 hrs not for self questioning but to find a way to cover her azz


----------



## Andy1001

john117 said:


> Education helps prevent or mitigate some of this emotional deficit. The chance of an MD falling head over heels for an internet beau would hopefully be a bit less than the chance of a lesser educated person falling for it.
> 
> As an MD she will be expected to have some empathy, or, failing that, expected to understand the risks she's taking.
> 
> Having said this... My late sister in law bought the farm from a PA... And she was an MD.


My rules for dating are very simple.
No tattoos.
NO DOCTORS.
NO NURSES.
You get the average MD with his or her God complex then normal rules of behaviour do not apply to them as far as they are concerned.
Nurses see it as a right of passage to sleep with whatever consultant sends a booty call.
This I know from years living with medical staff from a hospital in Boston.Marriage means nothing,they live by different rules.


----------



## john117

My younger daughter already has her God complex in place and she hasn't started medical school yet (this fall)... I wonder if they offer placement credit...

Some professions seem to date within the field for many reasons. But, as I mentioned, this is Western reality. I don't know enough about the equivalent Iranian culture. I'm sure the OP does. 

But, since we're down this path. Is the guy in Iran a doctor also? Could she be buttering him up? 

(Darned Five Why training)


----------



## plomito

My only advice is prepare for the worse. This has been going for a long time and no matter what you say or do. She will always looks for ways to maintain that connection. Been there and honestly after 3 years of trying, the result was the same. Divorce and now she is with him.. Hopefully your situation ends different if you wish to pursue a path of you both fixing things. But honestly... The doubt will always haunt you 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60

If you are considering staying married. One thing you have to make sure of is what did she mean when she said "it was just a fling". What does "fling" mean?

You have to make it clear that your wife does not have flings or secret communication with other men. If she needs to do things like that - she can do it as your Ex-wife.


----------



## Malaise

TDSC60 said:


> If you are considering staying married. One thing you have to make sure of is what did she mean when she said "it was just a fling". What does "fling" mean?
> 
> You have to make it clear that your wife does not have flings or secret communication with other men. If she needs to do things like that - she can do it as your Ex-wife.


"Just a fling " ?

Well, that makes it OK then.


----------



## TDSC60

Malaise said:


> "Just a fling " ?
> 
> Well, that makes it OK then.


Or "It was only sex. I don't love him and I never thought about leaving the marriage".

I have a friend who told me his WW said this to him just recently when he found out about her 18 month affair. They have been married over 20 years. With three kids. He is divorcing her and she is amazed that he would do that.


----------



## eric1

TDSC60 said:


> Or "It was only sex. I don't love him and I never thought about leaving the marriage".
> 
> 
> 
> I have a friend who told me his WW said this to him just recently when he found out about her 18 month affair. They have been married over 20 years. With three kids. He is divorcing her and she is amazed that he would do that.




"It's just a divorce" is what I'd say


----------



## sokillme

TDSC60 said:


> Or "It was only sex. I don't love him and I never thought about leaving the marriage".
> 
> I have a friend who told me his WW said this to him just recently when he found out about her 18 month affair. They have been married over 20 years. With three kids. He is divorcing her and she is amazed that he would do that.


Like I say over and over, they are not as evolved in the empathy department. Love, Sex, Relationships mean something totally different from their perspective. They are sure good at hiding it though. Vampires.


----------



## Malaise

TDSC60 said:


> Or "It was only sex. I don't love him and I never thought about leaving the marriage".
> 
> I have a friend who told me his WW said this to him just recently when he found out about her 18 month affair. They have been married over 20 years. With three kids. He is divorcing her and *she is amazed that he would do that*.


He's not very enlightened is he? 

/sarc


----------



## Chaparral

According to their texts, what was your general feel for them? Like, they were really good friends, acquaintance, lovers,happy,sad,unrequited lovers,etc.? 

More specifically, what did their texts reveal about them not being able to meet? If the attachment was so great, I would have thought they both would have moved heaven and earth to be with each other. He couldn't meet up because of business. Unbelievable. There is another reason. What was your wife's reaction?


----------



## TXDude

Bango, how are you doing?


----------



## Chuck71

Bango...... sorry that you are here. Two things come to mind. The amount and longevity of the 

texting (and sexting, trust me). And the "implied intent" to try and meet. On her trip home,

I can promise you they talked on burner phones (assuming WiFi is limited in many 

areas of Iran). This secret went on before and after your wedding. What went through her head 

when she said the words love and honor? Did she text him the night of your honeymoon?

I'm sorry but to be THIS brazen, knowing damn good and well how adultery is viewed

in her own country, she did not bat an eye doing it. Most WWs cut off sex with spouse when they

begin sleeping with OM. They only want one emotional connection. She can tell you she

never met him or slept with him BUT..... she just lied to you. The messages went silent because

they switched their mode of communication and were meeting in person. Look... this went on for many 

years.... then they're in the same country, same region..... C'mon... they damn sure met,

bet the farm. If you consider R.... you will have to live with what she has done. Will you trust her

again? You can't love without trust, well... you can but it's a very unhealthy love.

She had a full on EA.... and I would bet money, PA. Examine the change in how they spoke after the trip.

Also.... working in a hospital, she picks up on ways to hide an affair..... she may have already took 

it underground. You could be only seeing the tip of the iceberg, the other 85% is underwater.

To honestly make a concise choice, you must detach first. Clear your head. Make decision

without being clouded. When I left my house as my D was a month away, I still sort of wanted

a possible R with my then W. It took two weeks away from her to decide, I do not wish to be 

with her any longer. Keep posting, DO NOT cave.


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## manfromlamancha

Bango jan, how are things my friend ?


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## bango

Update:
Well it's been about 2 years since I posted this thread. Sorry if I didn't keep in touch, figured it would be counter productive either way after a decision was made. 

I want to thank all of you and all your advice and for getting me through that horrible time. 

Continue:
Got hundreds of texts from her over the weekend all of them asking for forgiveness and her trying to show how sorry she is. Almost no response from me. 

I went back to her on Monday after work like I told her. She looked devastated. We sat down and talked for many hours. it's been 2 years and I don't remember everything. Pretty much all of the conversations were about how sorry she is and how she doesn't know why she did it and she will work on finding out why and how to gain my trust and fix the relationship. 
She gave me access to all her social media accounts and phone. I demanded that one of her family members must know about this in full detail. She called her sister and her closest friend and told them everything. Didn't sign anything in writing but it was fully understood that this is going to be the first and last chance. She did offer that she owes me one but I don't need it ( and frankly I don't think it would work like that anyways). She understood that she is not forgiven and won't be forgotten. 

I decided to give her a second chance. 

Today, We are still together and happy. I checked her phone and social media a few times over that past 2 years, without her knowing, and everything is cool so far. She spends a lot less time on her phone and there are no more midnight texting. 
Although I have not forgotten what she has done; I have chosen to not hold this over her head. I know if I made a huge mistake and got a second chance, I wouldn't want to be shamed about it. unless necessary. 

I'm glad about how things turned out. I do understand that it has only been 2 years and there is still a long time to go to decide if a second chance was the right or wrong decision. But so far, I am happy and I have not seen any signs of affair. 

I was blindsided the first time. Learned a lesson to keep a better watch even if everything is going great and hope for the best. 

At this point, I like to not relive that time. Honestly, re-reading this post makes me feel terrible all over again. 

I made this post just to thank all of you and give you and give you an update. Hope I won't be back for another update. 


Take care.


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## Chuck71

Bango...... thanks for the update!!! Most never return after that long. All we do here is give advice, you

have the final decision. Whether I agreed with your decision or not, I'm here to offer support.

BTW.....not saying I disagree. Question though..... did you search for any evidence of a burner phone

back in 2017? Do you keep an eye out for one possibly after giving her a second chance?

Just cover your bases.


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## GusPolinski

@bango, were you ever able to find anything to indicate that she’d physically cheated?


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## CantBelieveThis

bango said:


> Today, We are still together and happy. I checked her phone and social media a few times over that past 2 years, without her knowing, and everything is cool so far. She spends a lot less time on her phone and there are no more midnight texting.
> Although I have not forgotten what she has done; I have chosen to not hold this over her head. I know if I made a huge mistake and got a second chance, I wouldn't want to be shamed about it. unless necessary.
> 
> I'm glad about how things turned out. I do understand that it has only been 2 years and there is still a long time to go to decide if a second chance was the right or wrong decision. But so far, I am happy and I have not seen any signs of affair.
> 
> I was blindsided the first time. Learned a lesson to keep a better watch even if everything is going great and hope for the best.
> 
> At this point, I like to not relive that time. Honestly, re-reading this post makes me feel terrible all over again.
> 
> I made this post just to thank all of you and give you and give you an update. Hope I won't be back for another update.
> 
> 
> Take care.


Welcome to Marriage 2.0......am 5y out also and doing pretty good. What was the outcome of therapy? Is she still going? The point about not knowing why she did it is a concern, which hopefully has been addressed. 
Don't waste energy holding over her head, is no point by now.... Make sure you got your own hobby or something on your own and also do a lot of new experiences as a couple.
But also, like me, if something doesn't look normal or suspicious I look smartly and move on... Dont let your guard fully down, ever.
Another thing for me, was to stop letting marriage be the center of the universe, I let go that idea and made more focus on me, and the marriage is just that, a loving arrangement between two people, nothing guaranteed. Marriage is just a part of your life, need not define you.... Good luck

Sent from my BTV-W09 using Tapatalk


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## bango

No burner phone. i actually looked into it (There was only one type of burner phone provider in the country at that time and I had a friend check it out). 
Could not find any evidence of a PA. Even checked the places and the people she said she was with during her 2 week visit and it checks out. 
I am keeping an eye out for behavioral changes and check her social media (less and less frequently now). Couldn't find any issues. 
We did talk a lot about why the behavior. She is a "Everybody is a good person until proven otherwise" type of person which leads her to be too friendly with guys. 
She didn't go to a therapist per se, but she has a few therapist friends from med school which she talks too. 
She tells me about all guy communication now from the beginning.( not in a "I demand to know" kind of way. It's one of the things I noticed her doing on her own) and she asks me if it is passing the polite zone into the too friendly zone. I believe she is working on it and figuring it out.


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## ButtPunch

Bango

Enjoy your life...

You aren't naive anymore

You will know if she ever strays again

Your gut will tell you

Put the past in the past


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## SunCMars

I sent you a PM.

Hope it is helpful!


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## BluesPower

bango said:


> No burner phone. i actually looked into it (There was only one type of burner phone provider in the country at that time and I had a friend check it out).
> Could not find any evidence of a PA. Even checked the places and the people she said she was with during her 2 week visit and it checks out.
> I am keeping an eye out for behavioral changes and check her social media (less and less frequently now). Couldn't find any issues.
> We did talk a lot about why the behavior. She is a "Everybody is a good person until proven otherwise" type of person which leads her to be too friendly with guys.
> She didn't go to a therapist per se, but she has a few therapist friends from med school which she talks too.
> She tells me about all guy communication now from the beginning.( not in a "I demand to know" kind of way. It's one of the things I noticed her doing on her own) and she asks me if it is passing the polite zone into the too friendly zone. I believe she is working on it and figuring it out.


You are being too nice already, and what is more you know that. Point is about some of this, she should not ever be texting ANY guy friends about anything, ever. She lost that privilege. 

And if she want away for two weeks, then brother she had sex. I really think that is a safe assumption. Is it possible that she did not, yeah, the remotest possibility, but highly unlikely.

You know, you have got to read in the infidelity forum, that stuff will curl your hair. But will give you an indication of how far they will go. And what else to look for.

And if you cannot deal with it, in general, just divorce. Many people cannot get over this stuff, and a lot that tried, regretted it...


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## Edmund

Blues you are too negative. Bango has taken an informed risk. Give him some support if you can. To me the red flag nobody discussed is that Bango wants children and wife doesn’t. That is a huge issue with an expiration date.

Good luck to you both, Bango. I hope you have a great life together.


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## Rick Blaine

Bango,
I wish you well. One thing you mentioned in your first post was that your wife had a lot of male friends and you didn't mind. Since she demonstrated poor boundaries and a need for romantic attention outside of marriage I hope you have put limits on opposite sex friendships since the discovery. I recommend reading His Needs, Her Needs: How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. Lots of good common sense stuff there about establishing boundaries as well as meeting each other's emotional needs over the long run. Whatever happens, always be vigilant. Good luck.


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