# He wants to reconcile but I can't trust him



## Trumbull1969 (Oct 8, 2014)

Several months ago I found out my husband was meeting women in hotels with champagne and condoms during the year that I was very ill. During that time, he came with me to all my doctor's appointments and acted as if he cared about me. But when I was able to go back to work, I discovered later discovered credit card statements of hotels, expensive dinners, etc. He claims that the meetings were "only physical" and he said he wants to stay with me. I have been doing much better health-wise and we have talked at great length about his betrayal. He claims that he was "just curious" and that he never got emotionally involved with anyone, which he considered to be worse than physical. It appears that he has been trying to mend our relationship, but I feel that I need to monitor him. I feel that I need to check his cell phone calls (which haven't revealed anything) but I can't monitor his computer at his job. Also, I feel that he has simply found new ways to hide his "evidence." I'm afraid that he bought one of those "Trac Phones." He used to have yahoo messenger which he admitted to using to talk with women, but claims that he deleted that account. However, whenever he logs onto his laptop, "yahoo messenger" pops up. While I'm around, he seems to be looking up innocent sites, but I'm afraid that as soon as I leave the room, he may be secretly contacting someone. I told him that nobody buys champagne and hotels rooms for someone that they're not emotionally involved with. Last year he was buying new clothes, wearing cologne which he kept in his car secretly, but he claims it's all over and that he wants to stay with me. Is there a way that I can find out for sure?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Check out this thread. Great tips on monitoring as stealthy as possible.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

unfortunatley he has already cheated and you know that. He may or may not still be cheating. You can never know 100 percent. That's the true destructiveness - the trust is gone. The real question is how long you can continue to live with the doubts. Some people can, many others cannot.

I wish you the best and glad you are feeling better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

It has been seen here that when a woman is aggressive with her cheating husband he relents rather quickly. Push the issue until YOU are satisfied and remind him that the price of your peace of mind was raised by his unquestionable acts. Trust me, you have far more power than you realize. Accept nothing less than maximum effort and accept nothing less than surrender. This is a battle, not a game.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, it appears he had no real consequences for his actions. He is still cheating or will soon be cheating again. 

Do you want to stay married to a man that cheats on his wife? Sick or otherwise? Why? 

You need to take firm action if you want his attention. File for divorce, that will wake him up. 

Actions are what you should be looking for, not words. 

Men will tell you what you want to hear until the dust settles and then they will just hide it better the next time. 

Trust your gut.

And women who meet online and go to hotels are most likely prostitutes. Get checked for STD's either way. 

Sorry you are here. 

Do you work? Have children? Do you have a good support system? 

Way to early to be buying into his crap. He shouldn't be on the computer at all, unless it is for his job.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

The hardest thing for you to do in this situation is to put aside your emotional attachment to this man and look at things in a rational and clean cut way.

Try imagining one of your best friends husband did the same to your friend and then ask yourself;

- Would you be telling your friend that he isn't worth it?
- Would you be telling your friend to leave?
- Would you be telling your friend "how can you ever possibly trust him?"
- Would you be telling your friend "he got caught and yet he still does it? Clearly you are plan B."

Then decide what you want and action it out.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

As for R or D.

You and you alone have the choice and right to R or D. Even if you R, you can move to D for any reason at any time. Now or 5 years from now. He has not vote in this matter. It is all on your terms alone. 

He lost his vote when he stepped out on his marriage.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

This is really hard and I do feel for you. I agree with you that for your husband to buy champagne and hotel rooms for another women he was invested in her for more than just sex. There was probably alot of communication along with all this. I guess my question would be what hasn't he told you? Is this the only affair?

My first husband was a cheat, we were married 7 years and little did I know that husband had been cheating with other women our entire marriage. He was always so loving towards me and told me how much he loved me, would kiss and hug me alot so I did not have the typical indicators. We divorced, he remarried and cheated on his second wife all the way thru their marriage too.

He might be a serial cheater or this might be a one-time thing....getting to the truth sometimes is not easy.

Do you love him? Do you feel you would like to move past this? If so, I suggest marriage counselor for you both to attend so that you can talk about why this happened.....what is at the root of his cheating. If he does not come to terms with that it is very likely he will repeat his actions.


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## Trumbull1969 (Oct 8, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice and stories. It is really helpful. Right now, I have access to his office (he is away for four days with his son and daughter on a trip to see a football game). Since I found out D-Day, he has been trying to show me that wants to stay with me, but I agree that there have been no "real" consequences and he may just be a serial cheater and will continue once "the dust settles" as you said. Our marriage is the second for both of us. My first husband was a cheater and I divorced him, and after several years I met and married my current spouse believing that he was trustworthy. His first wife divorce him, and I suspect the reason why is that he was cheating on her. Last month, he admitted that he met with multiple women, but then tells me "That's not the real me" and that he wants our marriage to work. I want to trust him but feel like I've been hit by a bomb with so much to process. He assured me "you'll see by my actions that I want to stay with you." I told him "A leopard doesn't change his spots." Anyway, I have indeed been aggressive in terms of letting him know that I will divorce him, but he insists that he wants me to stay and wants our marriage to work. I think at this point I will stay, but monitor him secretly. I need advice as to how to check his computer. BTW -- Thanks for all your comments and advice. This is so horribly hard and disabling. No, I haven't told anyonme -- not my sister or children. I want to "give him a chance" but in the meantime see if he is for real. If not, I'll have no option but to dump this liar. Yes, I'm still VERY hurt.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Do not listen to his words. Consider his actions. Only.

Cheating was the not real him. But the real him cheated. Get it? Words versus actions...


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sorry for your pain. Yes, you are correct to not trust him. I also get the impression he has little/no ability to have empathy for you. 

Trust and empathy are mandatory to have in a successful reconciliation. It just can't work without them. 

Betraying you while you were ill represents an even deeper level of betrayal, so it's that much worse for you. 

You already know these things, so I'm only validating your feelings. I think, in your gut, you know what to do. It will just take you a little time to make peace with your decision. 

I'm glad your health is better. Good luck.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Would he take you back if the situation was reversed?

And god-forbid that your health relapses. what will he do if you get sick again?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I have a suggested consequence....

Divorce him.

When my daughter was in the hospital after being diagnosed with hrr illness her husband was her rock. Yours was out using your illness as a cheap excuse to betray you and get his thrills. 

That's about as low down as it gets.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Trumbull1969 said:


> Thank you all for your advice and stories. It is really helpful. Right now, I have access to his office (he is away for four days with his son and daughter on a trip to see a football game). Since I found out D-Day, he has been trying to show me that wants to stay with me, but I agree that there have been no "real" consequences and he may just be a serial cheater and will continue once "the dust settles" as you said. Our marriage is the second for both of us. My first husband was a cheater and I divorced him, and after several years I met and married my current spouse believing that he was trustworthy. His first wife divorce him, and I suspect the reason why is that he was cheating on her. Last month, he admitted that he met with multiple women, but then tells me "That's not the real me" and that he wants our marriage to work. I want to trust him but feel like I've been hit by a bomb with so much to process. He assured me "you'll see by my actions that I want to stay with you." I told him "A leopard doesn't change his spots." Anyway, I have indeed been aggressive in terms of letting him know that I will divorce him, but he insists that he wants me to stay and wants our marriage to work. I think at this point I will stay, but monitor him secretly. I need advice as to how to check his computer. BTW -- Thanks for all your comments and advice. This is so horribly hard and disabling. No, I haven't told anyonme -- not my sister or children. I want to "give him a chance" but in the meantime see if he is for real. If not, I'll have no option but to dump this liar. Yes, I'm still VERY hurt.


Understand you are not alone, my heart goes out to you. Big hugs! You can put spyware on the computer. What about the cell phone though? Would he agree to changing his number and dropping her from his list of numbers? Is he willing to go to counseling? Do you have any children together? 

I told you about my first husband being a cheat thru my entire 7 year marriage. I didn't give you the rest of my story. I am nearly 52 now. I was a single mom of two when I met my second husband two years after the divorce. He had not dated anyone in 3 years since his divorce, he had sole custody of his two sons. He was military, owned his own home, came from a Christian rearing. I thought I hit the jackpot. We dated 3 years and something changed as soon as I said, "I do." In our first year of marriage he became extremely infatuated with this lady from work. I was crushed. He was taking her to lunch and never even asked me. I asked him all kinds of questions but he denied all feelings, it was more than obvious to me he was not being truthful though. We moved and I thought that was all over. Then we signed up for internet ('92) and porn addiction became full blown. I became pg with our only child together and a second emotional affair came about. He claims it was never more than emotional but it was clear they both were chasing each other. Again, I was crushed. here I had just had a baby and was not confident in how I looked, overwhelmed with taking care of 5 children and my husband was chasing another woman and storing porn files on the computer. She actually became pg by another man which ended their romance. We moved (military) and at the next base another emotional affair.

We have had alot of counseling but no counselor has been able to get to the core of husband's cheating ways. He really is aloof that he did anything wrong I feel. He told our last counselor that he thought his actions were typical male actions. I told him how I felt in each one of these situations and what I said didn't seem to make a difference. It has only been thru counselors that he seems to understand my feelings and what I have been thru because of his actions.

We are not close at all anymore needless to say. There are alot of great things about my husband which I hate to leave him for and we actually do well as friends despite what we have been thru. I have to consider leaving everything we have built together. I have to consider the impact this would have on our 5 children and our grand children. I have already been thru divorce road so I know how hard that is on everyone. It's alot to weigh.

Recently I started doing some research on men who cheat. I found some stats....in 1950, 50% of all married men cheated on their wives. In a recent survey 40% of men cheat. That pretty big percentages if you ask me. So I started searching for books to read about why men cheat. I have them on order right now.

I am currently not in counseling but spent 3 years dealing with various issues including my husband emotional affairs. My parents did not cheat on one another so I did not have this example to think this was okay. However, counselor did tell me that until I can resolve my own issues I will repeat my actions and marry yet another cheater if I were to leave husband. His thoughts were that I have been codependent and wanting to please everyone in my life. I overlook red flags due to my own compassion for that person and the desire to be with them. I don't know if this is your situation or not but we do have to think things thru logically rather than emotionally. Being willing to forgive does not make things different with the person and it does not change unless two people are willing to do so.


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## forthekids64 (Jun 1, 2014)

I was with the same woman for 18 years and even though I desired many women phyaically during the 18 years I never cheated on her. Since my divorce and being single I have already been with 10 ladies who are very happy to have a casual physical relationship. Even though I am playing a lot now, if I fall in love again and get into a committed relationship, my nature is not to cheat. You are either a cheat or you are not!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your husband has always been a serial cheater and will most likely continue. Of course he'll stay with you if you'll have him, he would've stayed with his first wife if she hadn't divorced him. He probably likes the security of marriage but still wants bimbos. You know what you've got.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure what you'd like your investigation to discover. Is your husband the kind of guy who would leave his sick wife and go bed hopping? Obviously, "yes". Is he the sort of guy who can very easily justify such a betrayal by saying, "it was only physical."? Yes, again. Is it entirely within the realm of possibility that you might need to trust your husband 100% at some point? Just based on what you already know about him, can you?


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## Trumbull1969 (Oct 8, 2014)

I read the "gathering evidence" thread and found it very helpful. Thanks to everyone for your advice. Right now my husband APPEARS to be trying to save our marriage, but I took your advice of "Eyes Open, Mouth Shut, DO Not Confront." I looked at the Google history site and found his old messages between him and women from as far back as four years ago -- revealing and disturbing, However, some of the accounts have been deleted (at my request) so I can't access them (dumb me -- I didn't know at the time that I could check them out) HOWEVER the problem now is, how do I access any NEW email accounts if I don't know his username or password, since I believe that he may have created new email accounts and is hiding them from me. Do Keyloggers work? I truly hate to be a police officer but I just need to know if he is telling the truth and if he truly intends to reconcile. Also, I noticed on his phone a week ago he called a woman that he had seen before (I secretly checked his cell phone), but when I secretly checked it again, the number had been deleted. There was also a "missed call" that was a few numbers and # -- an email? If I confront him (which I won't) he will only tell me some BS. He has an old style version phone from Verizon but I also found out that he has mobile email -- WHAT SHOULD I DO?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Well, if there is no trust, there is no R. 

Next steps: Separation/Divorce.

It is your right and choice to R or not. He gets no vote in the matter. He lost his vote when he stepped out on your marriage. That is the risk he took. Part of the excitement. Perhaps he's a cake eater. Keep you, and head out for his fun.

If you still want to try, ask him to hand over his phone. Check it out thoroughly. Ask questions and get information. If he even tries to slide - you'll have your answer. 

He confuses secrecy and privacy in marriage. Privacy is closing the bathroom door. Secrecy does not exist in marriage. All accounts, passwords, devices should be available to both partners. Any resistance means exactly what you think it means.

Yes, Keyloggers work. If you have anti-virus software, you'll need to approve its running on your PC. VARS work very well too.

Seems like you'll be a police officer the rest of your marriage. Not pleasant.

His words are nothing. Its his actions that matter. All actions from here on out. You have a right to D at any time for any reason.

Go online or request detailed phone bills. Calls and texts.


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