# Feeling bummed about weight and intimacy



## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

Little bummed tonight. I came home from the movies and told my DH about how this very unattractive woman hit on me at the theatre. I made a comment like "so this is what I've been reduced to.....I only attract old men and repulsive women" and he didn't say anything. I felt devastated because we haven't been intimate in a sexual way for over 8 years. I guess I was just hoping he would recognize how hard I've been working at it and tell me it wouldn't always be that way.

I realize how overweight I am (160 pounds heavier than when we met) but have been trying to lose weight without much success. The meds I'm on for Bipolar Disorder change your metabolism a bit and I have a thyroid disorder almost to the point of thyroid disease. It's not that weight loss is impossible, it is just extremely and painfully difficult.

We are giving each other gym memberships through our insurance company for Valentine's day. It's a sweet deal, only $25 per person/month and it gives access to dozens of different gyms in the area like Curves, Anytime Fitness, LA Fitness and some of the other local ones. I love going to Curves because I'm able to do the machines at my own pace and to the best of my ability. Every time I leave there feeling good about myself both physically and mentally.

I guess my question is for the guys mainly: do you think it's possible to rekindle a physical relationship after being unattracted to someone for so long? I don't think I'm hideous or anything....have a beautiful face, good hygiene and wear trendy hair styles and makeup. It just never seems to be enough and I totally get it because men are usually attracted with their eyes.  Would he have suggested the gym membership for both of us if he wasn't at least interested?

Sorry for the whine....I don't even have cheese to offer at my pity party. I just feel incapable of attracting anyone who is attractive and since my husband agreed with his silence, it's really hard to hear.

Hope


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

Feeling even more bummed that no one replied to my post.  Oh well, it's a touchy subject so maybe people didn't want to hurt my feelings?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you seem like you're looking for answers... 160 pounds extra isn't just a little overweight. There's some guys who like women like that, but it's likely to turn off a lot of guys.

As far as your husband goes, why no intimacy in 8 years? Do you date each other at all? How old are you two?

C


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I wouldn't be against being with a Bbw, maybe 250 lbs. but really only if she was hyper sexual and really really dirty. 250 lbs and prudish would be a non starter. I don't know where you fall on the scale, but my point is that for me there would have to be compensating factors. For the most part I'm attracted to average weight women. My wife is 5'6" and 130 lbs. 

At 160 over, would I assume you're 300 plus? You ask if it's possible to rekindle. I think yes. But like I said, the conditions have to be right.


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

PBear said:


> No offense, but you seem like you're looking for answers... 160 pounds extra isn't just a little overweight. There's some guys who like women like that, but it's likely to turn off a lot of guys.
> 
> As far as your husband goes, why no intimacy in 8 years? Do you date each other at all? How old are you two?
> 
> C


I agree, 160 pounds is morbidly obese....sometimes I downplay it in my head so I'm not constantly beating myself up about it .

We were going through a really "bad patch" for a long time mostly due to my bipolar disorder. I said a lot of hurtful things to him and there were a couple of incidents that involved the hospital and extreme paranoia and delusion on my part. 

We are both 46 and we still go out on dates. The good thing is we've been more intimate lately in other ways like more expressive hugging/slower kisses/cuddling. It's almost like we're on the right track and then BOOM something like this happens and I get confused.


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I wouldn't be against being with a Bbw, maybe 250 lbs. but really only if she was hyper sexual and really really dirty. 250 lbs and prudish would be a non starter. I don't know where you fall on the scale, but my point is that for me there would have to be compensating factors. For the most part I'm attracted to average weight women. My wife is 5'6" and 130 lbs.
> 
> At 160 over, would I assume you're 300 plus? You ask if it's possible to rekindle. I think yes. But like I said, the conditions have to be right.


WOM, thank you for your honest thoughts. I weigh 290 right now (also 5' 6") and have a HD. Definitely not prudish. It's understandable that the conditions have to be right though, so I try not to make a big deal of where he's at right now. He shows love in so many other ways so when he does, I'm sure to let him know how much I love and appreciate him. Of course, I do things to show him my love, too.

One of the things I lack is self-confidence and I'm sure that's a huge factor, too. We got our gym memberships yesterday and I plan on using it today so I can start regaining confidence. Again, thanks for your feedback.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Also keep in mind that you're the one that hurt your feelings. He's not the one that said you only attract ugly men and women, you did. That's the equivalent to "Do these jeans make my ass look fat". There's no honest way to respond that makes things better, so he kept his mouth shut. In the future, try not to set a trap like that. 

Just imho... 

C


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's better not to make statements or ask questions for the purpose of reassurance because the odds are good you may not like what you hear. But you are headed in the right direction now and that's what's important.


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

You're definitely correct....I shouldn't have asked that question in the first place. It was unfair because there was no good answer. He was smart not to respond to my self-deprecating statement. 

My confidence level is just so low right now because of my weight. When I was younger, the good-looking ones were always attracted to me. It is very difficult now that things have taken a different direction. I'm pretty sure things will turn around once I get to a healthy weight and regain my confidence.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

tobewise said:


> I agree, 160 pounds is morbidly obese....sometimes I downplay it in my head so I'm not constantly beating myself up about it .
> 
> We were going through a really "bad patch" for a long time mostly due to my bipolar disorder. I said a lot of hurtful things to him and there were a couple of incidents that involved the hospital and extreme paranoia and delusion on my part.
> 
> We are both 46 and we still go out on dates. The good thing is we've been more intimate lately in other ways like more expressive hugging/slower kisses/cuddling. It's almost like we're on the right track and then BOOM something like this happens and I get confused.


So it sounds like it is more complicated than just your weight. Did you ask him why he was silent. Maybe he was just lost in thought when you said that and didn't want you to know he wasn't listening. Or maybe he didn't want to say the wrong thing. I would let it go, really. It sounds like you are making positive progress towards your relationship. You are beginning to have more intimacy. I'm sorry that you have had a rough time.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

tobewise said:


> You're definitely correct....I shouldn't have asked that question in the first place. It was unfair because there was no good answer. He was smart not to respond to my self-deprecating statement.
> 
> My confidence level is just so low right now because of my weight. When I was younger, the good-looking ones were always attracted to me. It is very difficult now that things have taken a different direction. I'm pretty sure things will turn around once I get to a healthy weight and regain my confidence.


You should be proud. You had a battle with bipolar and you are maintaining stability. Good for you! Now you can start working towards physical health. One thing at a time. 

I know this is easier said than done but don't let society's screwed up image of the perfect toothpick woman with no breasts make you dislike who you are. Most men are not as shallow as society would have us believe. They are attracted to more than just physical attributes. Maybe ask your husband what he thinks is attractive about you. Have you guys worked through the hurts he experienced? None of that was your fault, of course, but I know it is still hard on partners to live with a mentally ill partner. Are you guys seeing a marriage counselor?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tobewise said:


> I guess my question is for the guys mainly: do you think it's possible to rekindle a physical relationship after being unattracted to someone for so long? I don't think I'm hideous or anything....have a beautiful face, good hygiene and wear trendy hair styles and makeup. It just never seems to be enough and I totally get it because men are usually attracted with their eyes.  Would he have suggested the gym membership for both of us if he wasn't at least interested?



Yes attraction can return. And love and connection can keep you attracted through some pretty major physical changes. My wife is a lot heavier now than when we married, and much heavier than when I first met her as a teenager. It's not killed my attraction, than God.

But 160 lbs gain? To be perfectly honest, no, I would not remain sexually attracted to my wife if she gained 160 lbs on top of where she was when we wed. That's altering one's body to an extreme that I can not find sexually appealing. Good hygiene, make up, clothes, those things matter to you to make you look better, but they have very little to do with sexual attraction.

On a personal note I've been more obese than you are. I've lost over 100 pounds and by the time I'm finished would have lost about 160, which what you've gained. It's definitely possible.


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## topaz (Nov 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I wouldn't be against being with a Bbw, maybe 250 lbs. but really only if she was hyper sexual and really really dirty. 250 lbs and prudish would be a non starter. I don't know where you fall on the scale, but my point is that for me there would have to be compensating factors. For the most part I'm attracted to average weight women. My wife is 5'6" and 130 lbs.
> 
> At 160 over, would I assume you're 300 plus? You ask if it's possible to rekindle. I think yes. But like I said, the conditions have to be right.


This is exactly how I feel as well. And you mentioned you have no self confidence. To me.... sexual self confidence IS sexy defined. You can't be sexy... without confidence. You have to own it has to ooze out of you with how you move, how you look at him and how you flirt. With an extra 160 pounds you need to use your other tools and skills to attract him. You can't just rely on the physical connection. As after 8 years clearly that's gone. But like any old engine..... once you spark it up again and get it running strong and raring to go again in a moments notice. But after sitting for awhile they can be ***** to get going again!


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

tobewise said:


> Little bummed tonight. I came home from the movies and told my DH about how this very unattractive woman hit on me at the theatre. I made a comment like "so this is what I've been reduced to.....I only attract old men and repulsive women" and he didn't say anything. I felt devastated because we haven't been intimate in a sexual way for over 8 years. I guess I was just hoping he would recognize how hard I've been working at it and tell me it wouldn't always be that way.
> 
> I realize how overweight I am (160 pounds heavier than when we met) but have been trying to lose weight without much success. The meds I'm on for Bipolar Disorder change your metabolism a bit and I have a thyroid disorder almost to the point of thyroid disease. It's not that weight loss is impossible, it is just extremely and painfully difficult.
> 
> ...


It's never too much to ask a partner to validate your feelings. They don't have to agree or disagree, just show empathy. Invalidation via omission hurts just as much. Kindest Regards-


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

It's been a few days since I've been back to this thread. I found a job as a caretaker for a disabled lady and have been adjusting to the new schedule. The job is something that I'm good at and enjoy so I'm grateful for that. It is making me feel happier and more confident.

Thank you all for your valuable insights....it is still a huge struggle to get through this lack of attraction thing. It is truly hard and right now I feel angry and upset especially since he has said several times over the years that he didn't know if he could ever have sex with me again.  This is more deep rooted than I was willing to accept.

Sometimes I think he is just holding on to the relationship because of obligation to the marriage. Like I couldn't make it on my own or find someone else who would be attracted to me because I'm obese and bipolar. Honestly some days I feel trapped and think I could lose the weight if I was on my own. I don't want to live in a marriage ere I am being 'pitied'.

When I got out of the mental hospital 2 years ago it was one of the lowest times of my life. He basically told me I was a burden and an inconvenience (his words). I've never been so low and had someone kick me back down again.

Anyway, as I sit here crying, I need to decide to do what is best for me and not try to change myself just for the sake of the marriage. I have to get healthy for me. Part of me thinks that if I lost the weight that I may no longer want him since this issue has been painful to the core and I'm still angry about all of the rejection.

We're just not moving forward like we should. Not looking for answers here.....just venting. Thank you for listening.

Hope


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

There is something to what you saying. 

I was in a similar situation as you. My husband suggested he wasn't attracted to me because of my weight. And the rejection made me want to emotionally eat and I got fatter. 

When we split up, I lost 30 pounds. (I mean I worked at it, but it was much easier without his negativity and sabotage.) 

You are right though. You need to do it for you, not for him. 
My heart is with you.


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

Thank you for your kind words BlueWoman. As weird as it seems, it helps to know that I'm not alone.

Update: DH is taking a job in a different state and we will be apart for a few months (up to a year). This is because of financial reasons, but honestly I'm feeling a little relieved. 

As much as we love each other, as much as he shows kindness, etc., I just have this gut feeling we will never be together sexually again and this is the beginning of the end of our relationship. Wish I would have seen the red flags when he didn't want to consummate our marriage on our wedding night because he was "too tired".

Two years ago I left him for a few days because I was unstable emotionally (had been in the hospital a few months prior) and he was yelling at me all the time. Said it was the only way I would listen to him. It felt like he hated me and so I decided to leave. He convinced me to come back by saying we would go to a sex counselor and wanted to get back on track.

Shortly after I came home, he said there was no money for counseling because of our finances. It is true that we were broke, but it made me feel that our relationship was a big priority. He also said that I was the main problem in the relationship so I needed to work on myself to make things better between us. I also gave up seeing my family for him.

Things have improved in some areas, but there is always an excuse as to why we can't back on track sexually....stress, my weight, past hurts, etc. Besides, we have two dogs who sleep with us and even when my husband kisses me, they get right between us. A lot of times when I say I want to cuddle, he will call the dogs up on the bed and again, they get between us.

It feels like my husband is afraid to be alone with me. We were talking about meeting each other half way while he is gone and staying in a hotel. Now he keeps saying he would just come home so he can see the dogs.

Him moving out of state is not such a bad thing.....I haven't really cried or freaked out about it and I'm not sure I will at this point. I'm hoping this will be a smooth transition to better changes in the future. 

I'll miss out on a lot financially (he's an attorney), but what good is having a lot of money if you are with someone that makes you feel lonely and undesirable? 

I really think he's been staying with me because he's a good person and doesn't want to leave me with my condition. He has said in the past he doesn't think I can make it on my own and that it would be hard to find someone else at this weight. He's also told me he's only been with me at times out of "obligation". That is not a marriage to me.

So, we shall see what the future holds. Part of me is scared, but a part of me is excited about the potential of a better life. Hopefully it works out for us, but if not, being on my own for a while will help me gain confidence to move forward either way.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I see so many issues in your thread besides the weight. 

Why did you stop speaking to your family?

Why did he insist on it?

What type of things was he saying when he yelled all the time?

What did he mean by you are the main problem in the relationship?

Does he often criticize you?

How long have you been married?

I am sorry you are going through this.


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