# Can't Get Past It, or Should I?



## Justjets (Jan 11, 2011)

My problem is this, married over 30 years and found out a few weeks ago my wife has been in a relationship with another man for the past 5 years. She claims it has only been a friendship, nothing physical but I don't trust her, after all if that was the case why keep it secret. I travel for business and it turns out that while I was out of town they were going on dates. I really knew something was up about a year ago but got confirmation by finding emails and chats on the computer, over 50 pages outlining their conversations, planning and all that goes along with it. I should add that some is fairly explicit. Her feelings are that I work too much and spend too little time on the marriage which I can't completely deny.

What makes this worse is that this is the second time with this guy. The same thing happened about 15 years ago, I don't know how long that lasted before it came out. She also had a fling about 10 years before that.

The first two times I stayed in it for the kids, but they're grown and have families of their own so I don't feel any obligation. I just can't get past this, don't really know if I should. I have lost all faith in her and don't feel I can ever truly trust her again.

Don't know how to feel, just kind of lost, but always mad and don't want to keep living with this anger. I am conflicted by my feelings for her and my anger at her. In the end, I wonder if this is a pattern of behaviour that will just continue.

Any thoughts?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Do you want to stay married?

Is cutting back on work something that you might consider, IF it would actually make things better?


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## Justjets (Jan 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Do you want to stay married?
> 
> Is cutting back on work something that you might consider, IF it would actually make things better?


I don't know, I still have trust issues. Again this is the third time and I did cut back on the hours. Another issue is that she still is not being honest with me. She does not know I have all the emails and chats and they portray a completely different relationship than she has admitted to, both in scope and her involvement. I finally got her to admit to the relationship by throwing out some small bits of information that made her realize I had some knowledge of her actions so she told me what was going on. She tells me she was less invested than it appears she was. She did reach out to him, she did set up times to meet and they did get together much more often than she admits to. Also, these were not all innocent chats and emails, they had considerable discussions about the future and plans they had and many were very suggestive of a physical relationship.

So to answer your question, I don't know. Is that wrong?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Justjets said:


> So to answer your question, I don't know. Is that wrong?


No - not wrong at all. Many people would have left the first or second time.

Have you told her to get this other man out of her life? Might be a good first step. Maybe even an ultimatum - you or him possibly.


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## Justjets (Jan 11, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> No - not wrong at all. Many people would have left the first or second time.
> 
> Have you told her to get this other man out of her life? Might be a good first step. Maybe even an ultimatum - you or him possibly.


We've had that discussion and she tells me he is no longer in her life, but how do I trust that after 5 years of deceit? Remember, she and this guy are on their second go around together since we've been married.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Justjets said:


> We've had that discussion and she tells me he is no longer in her life, but how do I trust that after 5 years of deceit? Remember, she and this guy are on their second go around together since we've been married.


The common answer around here for that is transparency. Share e-mail passwords. Allow each other access to one another's phones. Check phone bills for strange patterns in texts or minutes used - or strange numbers.

I'm guessing that if you've been through this before, you know the signs that she's up to no good. AND you already have her e-mail account. So maybe its just a matter of leaving the next time this guy - or any other guy - comes around. 

Whether you leave permanently, or just go away for awhile - you need to let her know what it will feel like to miss you - and let her know you won't tolerate it and that you're willing to take action.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She is a serial cheater and I think they are the worst kind, they can't stop. The fact that she can do this for 5 years knowing that she hurt you just 5 year before and 10 years before that, is the hight of cruelty and lack of compassion for someone she is supposed to love. 

Why are you providing a comfortable home base for her so she has you and someone to date? Whether or not she has a ligit gripe, she should have come to you and made a concerted effort to fix things and the divorce if she cold not and then date this guy. She, however, decided to avoid the inconvenience of a divorce and the effort it takes to work on her marriage. 

I can not see one thing you are getting out of this. If you decide to start fresh, work on the work issue because that will remain a problem. Make sure to make your next relationship a top priority.


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

Justjets said:


> She claims it has only been a friendship, nothing physical but I don't trust her, after all if that was the case why keep it secret.
> 
> I really knew something was up about a year ago but got confirmation by finding emails and chats on the computer, over 50 pages outlining their conversations, planning and all that goes along with it. I should add that some is fairly explicit. Her feelings are that I work too much and spend too little time on the marriage which I can't completely deny.
> 
> ...


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

30 years. My parents divorced after 33 years. We were grown, had our own families, etc. It was destructive. Still is 11 years later. 

I don't support her behavior! and empathize completely with the trust issue. My question is what have you tried individually and as a couple to improve the marriage? She seems to fall back into having an emotional affair. The work thing can really feed an emotional disconnect. Despite cutting back in hours, did you try to emotionally connect to her? Did she ever say anything or make you aware that maybe it was more than the hours away? Something more on an intimate level? Have you tried counseling?

Sorry. Guess it just seems like a lot to give up on and I'm probably speaking from some inner child voice as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Greentea (Aug 28, 2010)

I don't have much tolerance for infidelity.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Please don't feel like you're the one that's done something wrong here. Could you have done better in your marriage? Most likely. That doesn't give her license to go out and find someone else just b/c she isn't happy with the way things are at home. She had a choice. She chose to have a relationship with someone else, instead of tending to what was at home. That part is on her, not you. I hope you see that. 
Thirty years is a lot to give up on. That's better than spending another 10, 20 or 30 years with someone who isn't going to put her marriage first. Third persons in a relationship aren't conducive to a happy one.


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## Justjets (Jan 11, 2011)

Thanks all, much to consider. I just hate to throw away a 30 plus year marriage but I can't get past the anger and humiliation of going through this again. I am guilty of not being attentive enough, that's on me but her decisions are on her. If she was that unhappy she should have walked and not put me through this. She has as many reasons that she wants to stay together but I just don't know that I can get over this as long as we're together.

Just don't know what to do, but I do know I have lost all respect and trust for her, maybe that's my answer.


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## Justjets (Jan 11, 2011)

arbm said:


> Your wife has cheated on you 2x already, this is a sure sign that she is going to do it again, how did she react the first time you caught her out having an affair? wa she remorseful, upset, sorry and did she do everything she could to put your marriage back together?
> 
> So am i right in saying this is the 3rd time she has cheated on you and made you look and feel like a fool? This is disgusting on her part when you are off working to make a better life for you both.... the fact she is having an affair with the same man she did in the past is a huge red flag, and pretty much a sure sign she will do it again if you choose to forgive and forget again, she clearly didnt give up contact with this man or she would not be hiding things from you now when you are away...
> 
> ...


She is remorseful for a while, but before long she's unhappy with life, looking for adventure. She hates to work, but it was necessary to have all the things she wants. She would love to have no responsibilities and go through life traveling and having fun. Wouldn't we all.


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