# When is Enough Enough?



## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

Hello all, 
I was hesitant about doing this but I feel like my brain is going to pop if I don't do something soon, I apologize for the length...

My wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder some time ago. She's on meds for it now but if she misses even two days it's like a descent into hell for the most part. it's a constant struggle walking on egg shells all the time. We've been married now for almost 7 years we have a daughter who just turned 5. The first 3-4 years were tough for us and A lot of crap happened and I gave up and sacrificed a lot for the sake of keeping her happy and sane. I treated my family like strangers and my friends like outcasts for her. At the end of the day with all that has happened between us I just feel drained. 

I feel like all of my energy goes into making sure she's happy and making sure I'm saying and doing the right things to not upset her. I spend a lot of time apologizing for her in social situations or obligations she backs out of. We've both changed since we got married. She's been jobless for the past 5 years and hasn't even been seeking work. When she's manic, she and I get along fine and have no troubles but when she's low, she tends to lash out at everyone around her and drag them down verbally and emotionally. She's possessive of me and has in the past at times when she was seriously un-medicated treated me like a piece of meat or territory like she's some kind of alpha dog. 

We both play online games and it's a big part of our entertainment. We game together and apart. A few years back she got involved in a game called Second Life. As I'm sure some of you probably know it's a very adult game and centers around a lot of deep role playing and sexual overtones. At first, being progressive and easy going, I didn't think it was a big deal. She seemed honest enough about it and she just wanted to "role play" these actions but she assured me it meant "nothing" to her. By that I mean the virtual sex meant nothing to her. 

It was all just an act. a game. Well time went by and after she lost her job and we got pregnant she began playing the game more than she was doing anything else in the house. We would argue about it and she'd promise to do better but it would end up the same. I'd come home from work and she'd be acting busy in the kitchen even though I could tell she'd not done anything all day and just 10 minutes before she knew I'd be home started trying to hyper clean everything. Sometimes I feel like she thinks I'm just that dumb. 

Being a BPD she would jump from feeling depressed and upset about it to getting angry and throwing up walls to being sorry and remorseful all in about a 20 minute span. Every time we argue it's the same thing I try to present her with logic...and she throws it back in my face and starts trying to turn the conversation around to make herself the victim? So anyway her affair with this game was off again and on again for a few years and then just recently last October she started it again. Before I had always assumed that her "friends" were different guys or just characters in the game no serious emotional ties. But then I come to find out that that is not the case at all.

I find out that she had actively been seeking someone to role play SnM bondage junk in the game with her. Something she had never asked me for before, I had no idea she was even interested in it. I also find out that she's been "sexting" with this guy outside of the game, on her phone and in her instant messages also her emails. I'm a little hurt by it at first...clearly it was beginning to seem like this online tryst was more than just "nothing".

I keep my cool and decide to test her. So I ask her if she's role playing with her "friend" outside of the game . a simple question, she of course does not know that I know the answer already. So she decides to Lie to me. She tells me that she's not talking to him outside of the game and that he means nothing to her. So I'm a little fuming in side by this point. 

The sting of the lie burning a hole in my brain. But I remain calm and decide to let it lie for now. Days later I gather some transcripts off of her computer that I bought and built for her, and low and behold she's chatting it up with Don Juan like nothing had happened. Even being so bold as to say that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me to her "friend". So I'm livid...I confront her again and ask her through gritted teeth if she's talking to him outside of the game and she again lies to me. By this point I'm so pissed I can't see straight so I lay it al l out on the table and tell her I know everything and she at first acted offended but I was having none of that. 

I told her that I wanted her to stop chatting with this guy . period. then as if i had taken her favorite toy she began to get visibly upset but she was trying to shrug it off as if she was ok with it but she was holding back tears. Tears for her "friend". she shuts down her pc and runs off to bed with her smart phone...and i catch her yahoo id pop up online while she's in bed and I know she's talking to him on her phone so I again come in the bedroom and confront her. she tries to act like she's dumb or that I'm over reacting.

Finally after all of the crap I had to trudge through I get her to sit down with me and tell me the truth. She vows to swear off the game for good. I vow to work more to pleasing her needs in the bed room if that's what she wants. we have a good cry and I think things will be ok. But inside me a seed of disappointment and resentment was planted and it started to take root. I began to wonder if she was capable of keeping such a lie from me and I had no clue then what else is she lieing to me about. 

the act of it was bad enough but the Lies were what really cut me to the bone. she asked me if I wanted a divorce and at the time I didn't think that I did but now I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right call. All the passion and flame that I had for her is gone. I still care for her deeply and always will but at this point I just feel like I'm going through the motions to keep the status quo. And to avoid arguments for my daughters sake. 

If I no longer am in love with my wife...at what point can I say that I've tried enough? She's obviously struggling with her mental condition but am I supposed to just sit here and put my happiness on the shelf so that I can help her be happy instead? How is that fair!? I've always wanted to be the best husband I could be but for the life of me I can't find the passion I used to have for her. All the little things she used to do that I found cute I now find them utterly irritating. I'm lost and I don't know what to do, I don't know how long I can continue to pretend that I'm in love with her.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I dont think its fair to yourself to give that BPD such power over her actions in terms of sexting with another dude and all that. Theres a breaking point and it seems like maybe you needed to find that, and have. It sure seems honorable to have gone the distance you have, but when you begin to forget about you in the equation, what then? Of course you have to worry about that child, and thats going to be soooooo freaking difficult, but get a game plan in place where you make yourself a priority again. Its time to put that horse out to pasture and let her run.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I dont think its fair to yourself to give that BPD such power over her actions in terms of sexting with another dude and all that. Theres a breaking point and it seems like maybe you needed to find that, and have. It sure seems honorable to have gone the distance you have, but when you begin to forget about you in the equation, what then? Of course you have to worry about that child, and thats going to be soooooo freaking difficult, but get a game plan in place where you make yourself a priority again. Its time to put that horse out to pasture and let her run.


Thank you for the comment Shoo I do appreciate the advice. It's just soo hard to deal with her right now since she's on one of her "good" mood streaks and everything seems like it's going to be ok...but even if it were going to be ok the problem now is that I physically and emotionally don't want to be with her while at the same time my caregiver personality doesn't want to hurt her or my daughter, or abandon her. 

I've spent soo much time and energy trying to do what's best for her that, trying to "fix" her. I don't know what I want anymore. On the most basic level the only thing i can say with 100% assurance is that I'm unhappy and just want to be alone. I have 0 "me" time and somedays I stay late at work just so I can have those fleeting moments of solo time to collect my thoughts and not be bombarded with her needs.

So my problem now is having the resolve to do what I know I have to do if I ever want to feel free and truely happy again. I just can't bare the thought of not being able to see my daughter, not that I think she'd ever take her completely away from me, but I know she's not going to let go without a serious fight for what she wants. which could be any number of unreasonable terms.

I have decided though to start IC. I think I need to let this out and talk about it with someone one on one and try and come to some kind of decision. 

Thanks for listening.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Voryn, I'm sorry that your marriage has come to this...
Try to look after yourself too during this whole process. You're going to need alot of support because dealing with a mentally ill person, whatever their diagnosis, will leave issues that their partner needs to address. 
My exH has narcissistic personality disorder, and having lived through a host of problems associated with that has left me with ptsd, anxiety, and some other problems. I'm not blaming my problems on him, I'm just saying that living with his disorder has amplified my own inner problems to the point where I had to get therapy and meds to deal with them.
I hope that you will continue to post and look after yourself while you sort things out at home.


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## voryn (Jun 13, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> Voryn, I'm sorry that your marriage has come to this...
> Try to look after yourself too during this whole process. You're going to need alot of support because dealing with a mentally ill person, whatever their diagnosis, will leave issues that their partner needs to address.
> My exH has narcissistic personality disorder, and having lived through a host of problems associated with that has left me with ptsd, anxiety, and some other problems. I'm not blaming my problems on him, I'm just saying that living with his disorder has amplified my own inner problems to the point where I had to get therapy and meds to deal with them.
> I hope that you will continue to post and look after yourself while you sort things out at home.


Thanks, onepotatotwo. I'm lucky and blessed that I seem to have the right natural chemical ****tail to be able to handle a lot of emotional stress while still remaining high functioning and going to work and dealing with bills and everything else. 

To be fair I know my W had a hard childhood, her father and mother both checked out on her when she was 4 or 5 and her grandparents had to raise her. But I guess I just wanted to be her knight in shinning armor and fix all the bad things and make her happy...but I can't. and it makes me very sad inside.

Ideally I would love for this to work out and still remain good friends with my W. I love her and care for her but living with her is killing me emotionally.


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