# I'm a mess! Separating from my husband 1 year after his affair. Where do I begin?



## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I just can't keep riding this roller coaster anymore and decided to separate from my WH. I am an emotional mess atm. Reading about so many betrayals in the coping with infidelity section makes me so sad. I don't know how to proceed now that it's been almost year since Dday.

The As have been exposed about a year ago to my parents, my siblings, his brother, but not his parents as they speak french and I don't. Not sure contacting any of his family really matters that much. I logged on to his skype account 6 months ago and his brother sent him a message that said "tell your wife to stop spying on you." It seem nobody gets why I still have trust issues after finding out about the As.

TBH I think he thinks this is all a big joke because I have stayed with him this long without full transparency. He thinks that I have access to his cell phone and that is enough. He has work email, and work phone and that is how the OW would contact him after I became suspicious. He uses VOIP to make calls and I don't know what number he is calling. He also has other forms of texting and messaging. I don't know if he is still having an A, but I think it is something he will do again in the future. I just don't want to stay around to find out. He hasn't done everything he could to assure me this won't happen again. Actually some of the things he has said makes me think that he doesn't think it was wrong... so no changing that.

So what are the next step for me and my children?

1. I have already told him I want him out of the house by Saturday. In the meantime I am at my parents house with my children.

2. I told him I want no contact (unless it is something important about the children).

What do I do next? I don't work. I'm a SAHM. I have my own credit cards that carry a balance and we have joint credit cards and bank accounts. We have debt. Also the house is in my name not his, and property tax is coming up again. Where do I go from here?


BTW if anyone wants to read my first post it's in the link below:

It's been a year! Get over it!


----------



## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I would contact a lawyer asap. They can guide you on how to proceed. I think once you have a good legal plan, you will feel better.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

momma2four said:


> He hasn't done everything he could to assure me this won't happen again. Actually some of the things he has said makes me think that he doesn't think it was wrong... so no changing that.


If he has gone a year and there has been no change in his behavior, then you are doing the right thing by ending this relationship.



momma2four said:


> So what are the next step for me and my children?
> 
> 1. I have already told him I want him out of the house by Saturday. In the meantime I am at my parents house with my children.
> 
> 2. I told him I want no contact (unless it is something important about the children).


You will have to excuse a little of my post, I am male and tend to be a little pro-Dad. However, your husband's behavior is unacceptable.

1. I hate to burst you bubble, but you cannot force him to get out of your house simply because it has your name on the deed. You are married and the house may be joint property, depending on the state. Now if he leaves of his own free will, that is another thing. Some people would suggest other less than honorable means to having him removed, but I would like to think you are above that.

2. Nor can you keep your children from him without a court order. He is allowed just as much time with the children as you are, he is their parent after all. Don't punish your children because of your bad feelings for their father. I do agree with a limited contact rule once you are separated. You have children, you will be in contact for years to come. I would limit communication to only what is necessary and only use documentable methods (text, email, ect)


Your best course of action is just as MSC71 recommends, interview a couple lawyers and find one that will help you with your case. 

One thing I would have you keep in mind when dealing with a lawyer. They make $$$ by keeping you bitter against your STBX and fighting in court. I would recommend you use your time and money to make yourself a better person (counseling, working out, training to get you up to date with todays workplace). If you can, get to mediation (required in a lot of areas) and hopefully work out an amiable agreement. The more you can agree, the less it will cost in the long run. Don't let bitterness/desire for revenge get in the way of making a good deal. Lawyers love that stuff.

Figure out your stategy with regard to the divorce, develop a plan, and execute your plan. Make sure your lawyer is following your plan.


----------

