# Wife is now refusing to have sex with me...PLEASE HELP



## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

I never thought it would come to this.My wife and I today had an argument which resulted from my objection to wearing condoms.We ended up arguing about other things,and I ending up saying some things about her mother that I shouldn't have said.(Who is moving in with us tomorrow.)I finally agreed to use the condoms,but only after she basically said that we weren't having sex until further notice.She still said no...I've never dealt with this before..For those of you who have read my other threads you know the situations I've been dealing with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Many of us have been warning you that you seem to have an attitude problem and that it was going to come around and bit you in the a$$.

Your wife has carried the burden of birth control throughout your marriage. She can no longer use birth control pills. And your response is to throw a hissy fit when she asks you to use condoms. You could have taken the high road and used the condoms for a while. And then investigated alternative bc methods with her. But nope... 

So now what are you going to do to repair this? How about apologizing asking her what you need to do?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dude. It's just a condom. They aren't made out of barbed wire and jagged shards of glass.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

1. Anal or bust, woman, how dare you refuse!
2. Condoms? Condoms? I don't need no stinkin' condoms!
3. Your ^%$*&! mother is a ^&%$#@!

And you are surprised? Just be happy you're not married to Lorena Bobbitt.

I suggest following EleGirl's advice to a T.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I think the OP can be forgiven for having an attitude problem given that his mother in law is moving into the bedroom next to his tomorrow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

His attitude started before he learned that his MIL was moving in.

And he gave his permission for her to move in


I don't know... which of these icons should i use??? :slap: or :rofl:


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> 1. Anal or bust, woman, how dare you refuse!
> 2. Condoms? Condoms? I don't need no stinkin' condoms!
> 3. Your ^%$*&! mother is a ^&%$#@!
> 
> ...


I just felt like with the whole anal thing,I wasn't being the shown the respect I deserve as the man in the marriage.And yes,I am surprised.I never expected my wife to deny me of sex COMPLETELY.We've had disagreements before,but this is something entirely new.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Jack I said:


> I just felt like with the whole anal thing,I wasn't being the shown the respect I deserve as the man in the marriage.And yes,I am surprised.I never expected my wife to deny me of sex COMPLETELY.We've had disagreements before,but this is something entirely new.


It sounds to me like your W is taking control of her life and is no longer prepared to tolerate _your _ selfishness and disrespect.

Listen to Ellegirl. She's giving you some good advice here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> I just felt like with the whole anal thing,I wasn't being the shown the respect I deserve as the man in the marriage.And yes,I am surprised.I never expected my wife to deny me of sex COMPLETELY.We've had disagreements before,but this is something entirely new.


You felt that her not agreeing to anal sex was her not giving you respect as a man in the marriage? Really? So respect = anal sex?

She apparently never expected you to react the way you have to using condoms. Birth control is not only a woman’s thing. Men have a responsibility as well.

So come on, if you love her you need to find a compromise you can both live with. Is this kind of fighting really worth it to you?


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

FrenchFry

You are so being gif jacked right now:rofl:




FrenchFry said:


> Can't be suprised now.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

aribabe said:


> FrenchFry
> 
> You are so being gif jacked right now:rofl:


Today was the first time she ever said flat out no sex for the foreseeable future.Even earlier this week when I tried to put my foot down on the anal sex issue,there was a lot of arguing but not even the slightest suggestion that I would be getting no sex period.So yes,aribabe I am surprised.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> Today was the first time she ever said flat out no sex for the foreseeable future.Even earlier this week when I tried to put my foot down on the anal sex issue,there was a lot of arguing but not even the slightest suggestion that I would be getting no sex period.So yes,aribabe I am surprised.


What did you say when you tried to put your foot down on the anal sex issue?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What did you say when you tried to put your foot down on the anal sex issue?


I'm guessing something like this:

"Gimme butt sex right now, then go get me a sammich. Don't get one for yourself, your ass is still too fat."


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What did you say when you tried to put your foot down on the anal sex issue?


I told her that this was something important that I felt I needed.I told her that she didn't understand my point of view...That she doesn't see anal sex the same way as I see it and can't understand the idea of the anus being sexualized..I told her to put herself in my shoes.....I was basically being firm without being disrespectful


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Today was the first time she ever said flat out no sex for the foreseeable future.Even earlier this week when I tried to put my foot down on the anal sex issue,there was a lot of arguing but not even the slightest suggestion that I would be getting no sex period.So yes,aribabe I am surprised.


I'm trying to get over my shock. Forgive me but you are quite dense. I don't think you get it at all. You appear to have this perception that your needs, desires and expectations are more important than your W's. You want anal, she should submit. You don't want to use condoms, she should oblige (even though your argument is totally flawed). Her views are secondary to yours, after all, you are the man, you deserve respect. I wonder as the woman, what does she deserve? BETTER THAN YOU! At least better than the you you are being right now. 

If you can stop thinking about all the things she SHOULD be doing (according to you) for one second, and begin thinking about what you can do to be a better husband, you may have a shot. Don't just apologize, actually put some thought into how you have absolutely disregarded her and her feelings, then grovel. If you cannot grasp the error of your ways and cannot genuinely and sincerely apologize I suggest you and your hand become intimate friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> I told her that this was something important that I felt I needed.I told her that she didn't understand my point of view...That she doesn't see anal sex the same way as I see it and can't understand the idea of the anus being sexualized..I told her to put herself in my shoes.....I was basically being firm without being disrespectful


Well we warned you. And now with the condom thing you have a problem. We warned you to go with the flow for a while and then figure out alternative bc methods.

Do ya think yet that we might know what we are talking about?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I didn't know about the whole anal sex incident. 

But I don't recommend groveling in any case.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

east2west said:


> I didn't know about the whole anal sex incident.


That's because his anal thread was deleted. I would suspect it was done by him. :rofl: 

He got mad because she wouldn't let him stick it in her ass now that she has lost over 200 pounds. Then, he decided to tell the board that if she wasn't gonna give it up, he'd pay a prostitute for it. He didn't think he should have to go the rest of his life without experiencing anal just because his wife doesn't want it up the butt. When asked if he would let her use a strap-on on him, he replied "no because it would hurt!" Well, genius! Logic states that if it would hurt you, it's a safe bet that it would hurt HER. But then he said he doesn't wanna hurt his wife, so he'd fall back to the prostitute and hurt her instead. 

I think that's the gist of the anal dilemma...



east2west said:


> But I don't recommend groveling in any case.


Groveling? No.... but I think it would be an idea if he would educate himself. Well, more correct would be... I think he should REMEMBER what he was taught instead of being a whiny spoiled brat who can't get what he wants. Seriously, my four year old son and my four year old niece behave better than this guy... and they can't STAND each other!


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> That's because his anal thread was deleted. I would suspect it was done by him. :rofl:
> 
> He got mad because she wouldn't let him stick it in her ass now that she has lost over 200 pounds. Then, he decided to tell the board that if she wasn't gonna give it up, he'd pay a prostitute for it. He didn't think he should have to go the rest of his life without experiencing anal just because his wife doesn't want it up the butt. When asked if he would let her use a strap-on on him, he replied "no because it would hurt!" Well, genius! Logic states that if it would hurt you, it's a safe bet that it would hurt HER. But then he said he doesn't wanna hurt his wife, so he'd fall back to the prostitute and hurt her instead.
> 
> I think that's the gist of the anal dilemma...


No,actually it wasn't deleted by me.As far as the anal thing,our discussions basically lead me to believe that her whole thing with anal was the pain,the pain,the pain.I was trying to let her know that there are other things that can happen during anal sex.Keep in mind that not too long ago she weighed 400 pounds.Back then our sex life pretty much consisted of two positions.For the most part,she just laid there while I did all the work.A lot of men would complain about that.I wanted to explore new things,but we didn't because of her insecurities about her body.Again a lot of men would complain....So what I am saying is I didn't "go off"on her about things that a lot of men would..And I didn't think the anal was too much to ask now that she'd loss the weight...And now to deny me of sex period...Its just...I don't even know...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

east2west said:


> I didn't know about the whole anal sex incident.
> 
> But I don't recommend groveling in any case.


Him apologizing for refusing to use condoms and causing a big fight about is not groveling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> No,actually it wasn't deleted by me.As far as the anal thing,our discussions basically lead me to believe that her whole thing with anal was the pain,the pain,the pain.I was trying to let her know that there are other things that can happen during anal sex.Keep in mind that not too long ago she weighed 400 pounds.Back then our sex life pretty much consisted of two positions.For the most part,she just laid there while I did all the work.A lot of men would complain about that.I wanted to explore new things,but we didn't because of her insecurities about her body.Again a lot of men would complain....So what I am saying is I didn't "go off"on her about things that a lot of men would..And I didn't think the anal was too much to ask now that she'd loss the weight...And now to deny me of sex period...Its just...I don't even know...


Jack, did any of this come up in your conversation about the anal or about the condoms?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Today was the first time she ever said flat out no sex for the foreseeable future.Even earlier this week when I tried to put my foot down on the anal sex issue,there was a lot of arguing but not even the slightest suggestion that I would be getting no sex period.So yes,aribabe I am surprised.


Considering your egregious attitude on all things sexual when it comes to your wife:

Good for her.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> And now to deny me of sex period...Its just...I don't even know...


Dude, I'd do the same thing in her place! You know there is supposed to be TWO forms of birth control after weight loss surgery because of the risk of pregnancy. We are MORE LIKELY to become pregnant. Does it always work that way? No. But if you paid attention, or even WENT with her in her pre-op meetings, these things were discussed. They STRESS "condom + one other form of birth control to prevent pregnancy". The pill isn't effective because we don't absorb as much as we used to. 

I don't know what your game is, but damn...you're really gonna push your wife away acting like this. Is that what you want? Instead of telling your wife "You're right, babe. It IS the best way to avoid pregnancy, now that you have had surgery. How about we do this and still look for possible EFFECTIVE alternatives so we don't have to always rely on condoms?", you chose the whiny brat method.."But I don't wannnnnnnnaaaaaaaa. They don't feeeeeeeeel riiiiiiight." *sigh* "If I haaaave to... let's go then". I'd be turned off to, and tell my husband to take a flying leap into a vat of hot oil if he thought THAT was gonna get him sex... EVER. As my dad is very fond of saying, "use your head for something besides a hat rack."


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Jack, did any of this come up in your conversation about the anal or about the condoms?


Yes it did come up in both conversations.I let her know that I didn't forget about the way our sex life was when she weighed 400 pounds.And I let her know that I felt she was being somewhat thoughtless considering the fact that I never complained about her lack of activity in bed all those years she was overweight.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Yes it did come up in both conversations.I let her know that I didn't forget about the way our sex life was when she weighed 400 pounds.And I let her know that I felt she was being somewhat thoughtless considering the fact that I never complained about her lack of activity in bed all those years she was overweight.


In other words... you told her that her previous physical limitations entitles you to anything you want now... regardless of her comfort level. Gee, yet another reason to cut you off.


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## AnnieAsh (Aug 22, 2012)

Jack, hello! Your title says PLEASE HELP. Do you really want help? Because it seems like you have gotten some pretty good advice about calming down and not PRESSURING your wife about anything. Seems like you haven't followed anyone's suggestions. 

Go back and read the posts.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Oh holy hell - you brought up her weight, anal sex and refused condoms all in one conversation and you're surprised she shut down??? If you love and respect your wife, wear a freakin condom and start researching other RELIABLE methods of bc. Lay off the anal talk - even you say it hurts and start having conversations instead of demands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> Yes it did come up in both conversations.I let her know that I didn't forget about the way our sex life was when she weighed 400 pounds.And I let her know that I felt she was being somewhat thoughtless considering the fact that I never complained about her lack of activity in bed all those years she was overweight.


Jack... 

How long have you been married? 

Was your wife thin when you married her? How much of the weight was gained after marriage.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Jack...
> 
> How long have you been married?
> 
> Was your wife thin when you married her? How much of the weight was gained after marriage.


We've been married for six years.No she has never been a thin woman.She probably weighed about 380 pounds when we got married.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Many of us have been warning you that you seem to have an attitude problem and that it was going to come around and bit you in the a$$.
> 
> Your wife has carried the burden of birth control throughout your marriage. She can no longer use birth control pills. And your response is to throw a hissy fit when she asks you to use condoms. You could have taken the high road and used the condoms for a while. And then investigated alternative bc methods with her. But nope...
> 
> So now what are you going to do to repair this? How about apologizing asking her what you need to do?


I agree with you. Obviously he has some other issues with the mother-in-law coming over, but man just have to read a few other threads here where men and women aren't getting sex or even affection. Most here would gladly sling on a sheath and be happy to so muh as see their SO naked let slimy touch him / her and engage in sex!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> He got mad because she wouldn't let him stick it in her ass now that she has lost over 200 pounds. Then, he decided to tell the board that if she wasn't gonna give it up, he'd pay a prostitute for it. He didn't think he should have to go the rest of his life without experiencing anal just because his wife doesn't want it up the butt. When asked if he would let her use a strap-on on him, he replied "no because it would hurt!" Well, genius! Logic states that if it would hurt you, it's a safe bet that it would hurt HER. But then he said he doesn't wanna hurt his wife, so he'd fall back to the prostitute and hurt her instead.






TCSRedhead said:


> Oh holy hell - you brought up her weight, anal sex and refused condoms all in one conversation and you're surprised she shut down???


 AND apparently said things about her mother who'd helped them out with lot of money in the past (if I remember right)
What a concoction for the perfect lay :slap:

Best part is that while all of us continue to be :scratchhead: about why he can't see what ALL of us seem to be able to, he still remains :scratchhead: as to why his wife is now refusing him sex altogether

When I married my husband (we both were virgins) I was slender and my drive was sorta fine for a few months, then I gained a looot of weight and lost my drive altogether....so I pretty much did what your wife did...I refused sex a lot and didn't show much interest when I didn't refuse, as I didn't desire sex at all...I knew it was my fault, but didn't know how to make him happy. [If I'd realized that sex for men = love for women or been at TAM then, I'd have at least tried to do some things differently] Yet, he was patient for most of it - never really brought the weight issue up except for health reasons and was only ever irked about the sex once in a while...

Few years on I lost all the excess weight, then had treatments for fertility and then became pregnant - my drive slowly returned...

Over the course of our 10 years he's asked me for anal twice..first time was 10 years ago - it was awkward...the second time I refused because of fear (had third degree tears and fissures after the birth of son1) he's never brought it up again...the thought that I'm entitled to give it to him as I'd refused him all those years never even crossed his mind...

As for BC, pills give me migraines and the coil gives me excessive bleeding and lots of pain...yet, I did use the coil for a year till it slipped out by itself during a cycle...he then asked me if I wanted to replace it with a new one but because of the issues with it, I told him I didn't really feel like (I would have if he felt strongly about it)...well, he didn't think much of it and guess what we use now - yes 'Condoms'!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> We've been married for six years.No she has never been a thin woman.She probably weighed about 380 pounds when we got married.


If you married her when she was very heavy, then your complaining about her weight now is really wrong. It it bothered you why did you marry her?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife will start sex again once you start respecting her. Earn her respect instead of expecting it. Apologize for the anal and condom blow up, you were way out of line on both. You can't expect a woman to do something sexually she's not comfortable with even if this means its been done before or not.

I would not personally take your attitude either. I'd most likely leave the marriage unless your attitude is turned around.

I need a man that respects me and I have that. In return I respect him back. You can't micromanage your wife and expect a happy home.


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> In other words... you told her that her previous physical limitations entitles you to anything you want now... regardless of her comfort level. Gee, yet another reason to cut you off.


Seriously, he's clueless. Jack, your W is Improving herself in more ways the one; from physical appearance to assertiveness. Get on board dude, the ship is about to sail.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Jack, in all honesty, I'm surprised it took her this long to cut you off. Stop being a douche and start being a supportive husband! Forget the freakin anal, put on the damn condom and love your wife. How hard is that?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife will start sex again once you start respecting her.


Maybe not. Perhaps the weight loss has improved her self-esteem and she no longer feels she has to put up with this guy's crap. 

The next thread could very well be, "HELP!!! Wife threw me out and is seeing other men! And giving them anal!"


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## Ina (Dec 3, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> Maybe not. Perhaps the weight loss has improved her self-esteem and she no longer feels she has to put up with this guy's crap.
> 
> The next thread could very well be, "HELP!!! Wife threw me out and is seeing other men! And giving them anal!"


:lol::iagree::rofl:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> Maybe not. Perhaps the weight loss has improved her self-esteem and she no longer feels she has to put up with this guy's crap.
> 
> The next thread could very well be, "HELP!!! Wife threw me out and is seeing other men! And giving them anal!"


 :rofl:


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Wait a minute here....

I thought it was "clearly your house and clearly your rules"


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> Maybe not. Perhaps the weight loss has improved her self-esteem and she no longer feels she has to put up with this guy's crap.
> 
> The next thread could very well be, "HELP!!! Wife threw me out and is seeing other men! And giving them anal!"


Very very true! I left my ex h after putting up with his attitude. It was easy to leave since I was treated so poorly. The more he tried to control me, the further he pushed me to the point of no return. You can not run someone else's life and expect them to like it.:/


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I'm confused, maybe I missed something.

I thought the op said he had a talk, not a fight, about anal sex with his wife. She said no. Then the MIL situation reared its head. Then the condom thing.

I don't see why he is getting such a hard time. Is it just because his comments on the other thread (too long didn't read) made you all indignant that he thinks he is entitled to anal sex or something? Does his wife even know about the thread? If not how is it relevant?

I'm personally worried she is having an affair.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

east2west said:


> I'm confused, maybe I missed something.
> 
> I thought the op said he had a talk, not a fight, about anal sex with his wife. She said no. Then the MIL situation reared its head. Then the condom thing.
> 
> ...


Well since he said he would visit a prostitute in order to get anal, makes me thinks he's entitled to it. 

Personally, I think his wife is just tired of his crap. Next step will be "My wife wants a divorce, because I went to a prostitute and had anal sex..HELP!!"


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jack I said:


> I told her that this was something important that I felt I needed.I told her that she didn't understand my point of view...That she doesn't see anal sex the same way as I see it and can't understand the idea of the anus being sexualized..I told her to put herself in my shoes.....I was basically being firm without being disrespectful


While I'd like to try and help you out here, I think you're way off course

How about you let her buy a strap on and do you first? That way she can sexualize your bum hole and then you can do hers?


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Well since he said he would visit a prostitute in order to get anal, makes me thinks he's entitled to it.
> 
> Personally, I think his wife is just tired of his crap. Next step will be "My wife wants a divorce, because I went to a prostitute and had anal sex..HELP!!"


But what crap exactly? Did he make the prostitute comment to his wife? Or on the forum? I thought it was on the forum and so doesn't do anything to explain his wife's behavior. She seems to be making all these moves which will have the effect of killing the sex or making it less enjoyable. There are not very many circumstances that would justify that kind of behavior IMO.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> Maybe not. Perhaps the weight loss has improved her self-esteem and she no longer feels she has to put up with this guy's crap.
> 
> The next thread could very well be, "HELP!!! Wife threw me out and is seeing other men! And giving them anal!"


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

east2west said:


> I'm confused, maybe I missed something.
> 
> I thought the op said he had a talk, not a fight, about anal sex with his wife. She said no. Then the MIL situation reared its head. Then the condom thing.
> 
> ...


He had two talks with her about anal sex. One before the anal sex thread and one after. But in both conversations he brought up the following.. now keep in mind that she was 380 lbs when he married her.... 



Jack I said:


> Yes it did come up in both conversations.I let her know that I didn't forget about the way our sex life was when she weighed 400 pounds.And I let her know that I felt she was being somewhat thoughtless considering the fact that I never complained about her lack of activity in bed all those years she was overweight.


So he tried to use her weight (something he accepted when he married her) to guilt trip her into anal.

Then when she asked him to use a condom because she cannot use the pill anymore he did the same thing. Plus originally refused to use condoms until after the big blowup.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

east2west said:


> But what crap exactly? Did he make the prostitute comment to his wife? Or on the forum? I thought it was on the forum and so doesn't do anything to explain his wife's behavior. She seems to be making all these moves which will have the effect of killing the sex or making it less enjoyable. There are not very many circumstances that would justify that kind of behavior IMO.


Quite often, someone who is morbidly obese has very low self esteem. They get involved with people who are controlling, or demeaning... basically, married to jerks. Am I saying that is definitely how the OP is? Not at all. However, if he is anything like the posts he has made in the last few threads he created, I would say that is an accurate assessment. But, I will give him the benefit of the doubt...sort of. 

Before getting weight loss surgery, the patients need to go through psychological testing to make sure they are prepared to deal with the issues which often arise from having the surgery. Personally, I don't recall any mention of marital relations in my appointments before surgery, except in relation to sex and birth control. 

Unfortunately, quite often, marriages DO split after one or both partners have weight loss surgery. That COULD be what is happening here, but I am not going to say it is. Her requesting condoms now, isn't as horrible a request as many seem to think it is. She's been taking the pill but can't take it now. There is no reason he can't wear condoms. None. Except he doesn't WANT to. Well, my husband didn't want to either. I didn't want him to either. But when my surgeon said "you need two forms of birth control", we agreed on condoms + spermicides. Jack complains he doesn't last as long as he would like....condoms will help with that.

But, no, e2w, I don't think it's right to act like that toward a spouse. He shouldn't act entitled and she shouldn't marginalize him completely. But if he is coming across to her the way he is here... I sure as hell wouldn't stand for that and he'd be out on his ass. But that's JMO, based on how he speaks here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

east2west said:


> I'm confused, maybe I missed something.
> 
> I thought the op said he had a talk, not a fight, about anal sex with his wife. She said no. Then the MIL situation reared its head. Then the condom thing.
> 
> ...


Worried that she is having an affair because she will not engage in anal sex, because she asked him to use a condom when she had to stop bc? and because she was obviously hurt with his comments about him tolerating her when she was heavy?

Gee... most any woman would get upset about all that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

east2west said:


> But what crap exactly? Did he make the prostitute comment to his wife? Or on the forum? I thought it was on the forum and so doesn't do anything to explain his wife's behavior. She seems to be making all these moves which will have the effect of killing the sex or making it less enjoyable. There are not very many circumstances that would justify that kind of behavior IMO.


What moves is his wife making?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is pregnancy dangerous after having weight loss surgery?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> No,actually it wasn't deleted by me.As far as the anal thing,our discussions basically lead me to believe that her whole thing with anal was the pain,the pain,the pain.I was trying to let her know that there are other things that can happen during anal sex.Keep in mind that not too long ago she weighed 400 pounds.Back then our sex life pretty much consisted of two positions.For the most part,she just laid there while I did all the work.A lot of men would complain about that.I wanted to explore new things,but we didn't because of her insecurities about her body.Again a lot of men would complain....So what I am saying is I didn't "go off"on her about things that a lot of men would..And I didn't think the anal was too much to ask now that she'd loss the weight...And now to deny me of sex period...Its just...I don't even know...


Ok, two positions? I'm sorry, but even with my own hip and knee issues, even when I was at 380 pounds (the weight you say your wife was), my husband and I were able to do more than two positions. AND, we never have had to include anal into the rotation! Imagine that! A satisfying sex life, without *ENTITLEMENT ISSUES!!* I had, and eve do still have, body and self esteem issues. You only used two positions then because you ALLOWED it to happen. You could easily have said "Baby, i wanna try a new position. If you don't like it after we have tried it, then we won't do that again. I would just like to try some new things with you." Easy. But no, you decided to just let it go and let the resentment grow. And this is showing in how you have been posting...your entitlement mentality. I don't know... unless that ends, I don't see any positive changes happening in your marriage.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Is pregnancy dangerous after having weight loss surgery?


No more dangerous than any other pregnancy. I had two after mine and even breastfed both of them to ages 1 1/2 (daughter) and 2 (son) years. I got pregnant when my daughter was a year old and I was still breastfeeding her. I continued breastfeeding for the next 5-6 months of the pregnancy. The ONLY reason I stopped, then, was because my nipples were starting to hurt. But I had uneventful pregnancies except for slight bleeding at about 31 weeks with my daughter. They couldn't figure out where it was coming from! And that isn't weight loss related. I had bleeding in my first pregnancy, before weight loss surgery. And no problems whatsoever with the youngest. 

No, weight loss surgery patients are told to avoid pregnancy during the rapid weight loss phase to maximize weight loss. If you get pregnant, it is counter productive AND, during the first few months, it CAN be dangerous... That is when we are most malabsorptive. And, since we don't absorb the nutrients, the baby can't absorb them... and the baby will always "leech" from the mother, which does increase health risks to the mother. But if mom follows the rules, then no, there are is no more risk to a WLS patient getting pregnant than a "normal" woman.


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If you married her when she was very heavy, then your complaining about her weight now is really wrong. It it bothered you why did you marry her?


Her actual weight didn't bother me.It was the fact her self-eteem issues made her not want to be active in the bedroom.Not wanting to explore new positions,etc.Thats what I brought up to her.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Her actual weight didn't bother me.It was the fact her self-eteem issues made her not want to be active in the bedroom.Not wanting to explore new positions,etc.Thats what I brought up to her.


Fine. So now her self esteem is better, try new positions. That still doesn't make you ENTITLED to anal or other specific positions. You discuss it, ask if she'd be up to trying it, and if she says no, you table it. Let her figure out if she is ready for certain things or not. I can guarantee that, for awhile, anyway, she is going to be seeing that 400 pound woman in the mirror and in her head. And that is exacerbated if she has to undergo plastics for skin removal, breast reduction/lift (or implants, sometimes), etc. But saying "You need to do this with me because I put up with XYZ for years because of your self esteem issues" is NOT going to get you what you want...EVER.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> No more dangerous than any other pregnancy. I had two after mine and even breastfed both of them to ages 1 1/2 (daughter) and 2 (son) years. I got pregnant when my daughter was a year old and I was still breastfeeding her. I continued breastfeeding for the next 5-6 months of the pregnancy. The ONLY reason I stopped, then, was because my nipples were starting to hurt. But I had uneventful pregnancies except for slight bleeding at about 31 weeks with my daughter. They couldn't figure out where it was coming from! And that isn't weight loss related. I had bleeding in my first pregnancy, before weight loss surgery. And no problems whatsoever with the youngest.
> 
> No, weight loss surgery patients are told to avoid pregnancy during the rapid weight loss phase to maximize weight loss. If you get pregnant, it is counter productive AND, during the first few months, it CAN be dangerous... That is when we are most malabsorptive. And, since we don't absorb the nutrients, the baby can't absorb them... and the baby will always "leech" from the mother, which does increase health risks to the mother. But if mom follows the rules, then no, there are is no more risk to a WLS patient getting pregnant than a "normal" woman.


Thanks for the info. I was just wondering.

Jack says that his wife was 380lbs. She's lost 200 lbs so she's about 180 lbs.. still heavy. So she might still be losing weight. So makes sense that she would not want to get pregnant again.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Thanks for the info. I was just wondering.
> 
> Jack says that his wife was 380lbs. She's lost 200 lbs so she's about 180 lbs.. still heavy. So she might still be losing weight. So makes sense that she would not want to get pregnant again.


Bingo! My guess is that she's not quite at her goal weight. And, as long as she is still losing and not wanting to even RISK getting pregnant, two reliable forms are needed. Once she gets to goal and/or is ready to try or at least not prevent, then she doesn't have to be as stringent in her pregnancy prevention.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> Her actual weight didn't bother me.It was the fact her self-eteem issues made her not want to be active in the bedroom.Not wanting to explore new positions,etc.Thats what I brought up to her.


Jack, I think I'm starting to see what his going on here.

You love your wife. You love that she's losing that weight.

But it's changing the dynamics of your marriage. You and she are struggling with all the changes. This is not just predictabel, it's expected.

Are the two of you in counseling? It think that both of you need counseling... individual and marital. If you don't do this your marriage could be in a lot of trouble.

Your MIL moving in is not a good thing at this time. But you said ok and she's moving in tomorrow.

Whether you are right or wrong I think you really do need to be the one to say you are sorry this time... for this argument. Neither of you is 100% right or wrong here. Sometimes one spouse has to just eat some crow for the sake of getting the marriage back to where the two of you can work on things. I've done it before. We all have. Crow is not a tasty meal but sometimes it's good medicine.

Now that the MIL is going to be in your home, besides sound proofing your room (I’m not kidding about this) plan hotel dates.. send MIL out for an afternoon, evening (whatever) out with friends. Plan hot sex dates like this. If you approach it right you it can add a level of not naughtiness to your sex life… like you are two teens sneaking around so mom does not know what is going on.

My step-daughter’s room used to share a wall with our bedroom. I was mortified when I found out she could hear our nightly noises. So we turned up a stereo that we placed on a cabinet on the wall between our rooms. It worked well. There are things you can do. Work with it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I don't know.....
This OP sounds like another JB100 to me.
He seems to derive pleasure from being abused .


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Jack, I think I'm starting to see what his going on here.
> 
> You love your wife. You love that she's losing that weight.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot.Some if the posts here have painted me as a selfish,un-supportive,jerk type of husband...But that's not me.I just try to assert myself in my marriage...In a marriage a man has to assert himself...If he is too nice to his wife,she will lose attraction for him....If he takes asserting himself too far,then he's a selfish,unsupportive jerk.I try to find some kind of balance.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jack I said:


> Thanks a lot.Some if the posts here have painted me as a selfish,un-supportive,jerk type of husband...But that's not me.I just try to assert myself in my marriage...In a marriage a man has to assert himself...If he is too nice to his wife,she will lose attraction for him....If he takes asserting himself too far,then he's a selfish,unsupportive jerk.I try to find some kind of balance.


Being to nice is not the issue. Being a door mat it the issue. You do not seem to be a door mat.

Even good guys can go through periods when they are being jerky... I think this is what you are doing right now. And I think you are doing it because the dyamics of your relationship have changed a lot. 

The change it no bad, it's probably good, but it scares you.

If she was asking you to use condoms out of selfish interests, then you would be right to assert yourself against it. But she's doing it out of need. So use the concoms and then explore alternative methods of birth control with her. Become part of the solution. In the deal with the condoms... being assertive is to work to find a solution that both of you can live with and to do it in a loving way.

And stop telling her about how things were so bad when she was 200 lbs heavier. She knows she was heavy and is embarrased about it. She hated her body and her self on many levels as most overweight people do. She's done something that took a lot of strength to do. Go with it. Stop going back to the past.

A lot of the harsher posts here are people trying to give you alternative views to get you to look at things differently. Since body language and facial expressions are 70% of communications.. all of that is lost and only the harshness of words is left. Keep that in mind.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jack I said:


> Thanks a lot.Some if the posts here have painted me as a selfish,un-supportive,jerk type of husband...But that's not me.I just try to assert myself in my marriage...In a marriage a man has to assert himself...If he is too nice to his wife,she will lose attraction for him....If he takes asserting himself too far,then he's a selfish,unsupportive jerk.I try to find some kind of balance.


Assert, yes. But getting pushy about things, acting as if you are entitled to certain things, no. If that wasn't your intent, then I apologize...it's just the way your written words came across to me. And, if that is how you said things to your wife (sans the prostitute part), then I understand why she has reacted as she has. My husband was, at one point, afraid that someone was going to steal me away. This was back BEFORE we had any problems. Had I allowed it, things could have gotten bad, then. We could easily have split up because of lack of trust... when there was NOTHING to distrust. The only change was that I was losing weight...and looking good...and he was scared. But, asserting too much can push your wife away. At this point, you can tell her that now that she seems to be enjoying sex more, you would like to try some different positions. Tell her you are willing to take your time, get to know her body again. Tell her that you find her irresistible. Tell her that you want to avoid the pitfalls that many other WLS couples have. But definitely, make sure you make time for each other. 

Anyway, I am sorry if I misunderstood what you were actually trying to say.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I hate to come off a biotch but I personally think he is getting exactly what he deserves. I've read all his threads, I would have been a walk away wife by now if I was his wife (minus any affairs). Ten bucks says sooner or later we see him posting his wife has either askes for a divorce or becomes a waw.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

It is better if you could talk with your wife again about this matter.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Until you're ready to let your wife shove something up your anus bigger than a thermometer, you need to quit with the anal. It f-ing hurts! Seriously, I'm not exaggerating here...it was the single worst pain I have ever felt in my life, and I've been through USMC boot camp. 

Anal is a sensitive issue for a lot of women. Some enjoy it, others do not. If your wife is one who isn't into that, then let it go and let her think about it herself. When and if she ever decides she wants to try it, _she_ will initiate it.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Just quit the whining and get a vasectomy.

Welcome to the world of unlimited, condom-less sex with the missus.


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