# Hd? Ld?



## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

So...I don't know much about this other than the obvious.

Can you cycle in and out of HD / LD?

I'm pretty sure I've been on both rides and back again...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Libido waxes and wanes with age, mood, physical condition, stress....

HD and LD are relative terms. You can be the HD partner in one relationship and the LD partner in the next--without even having a change in your baseline drive. It's all relative to your partner's drive.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Sure you can. I've been on both sides in different relationships, and at different times in my life. People change, life changes.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

You both mention different partners/different relationships. So even in the same relationship/partner? 

I think in my case, my hormones are playing a HUGE part!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

CatJayBird said:


> You both mention different partners/different relationships. So even in the same relationship/partner?
> 
> I think in my case, my hormones are playing a HUGE part!


Fozzy says it stays mostly the same and that it is relative to your partner. Kind of like a baseline. If I am correct, he has only ever had one partner, and he is saying that the changes are "relative" over time to what happens to the other person's drive.

NoSizeQueen is saying the opposite. She has gone from never wanting it and having to "just do it" about once a week, to now enjoying it almost every night with her new partner. 

In contrast NoSizeQueen did not have a baseline that changed. The only thing that happened to her was she went *from feeling used* sexually by a partner that aroused himself to porn and into a new relationship to where she actually is *now feeling desired*. 

I believe both Fozzy and NoSizeQueen are saying very different things, and both are correct.

Badsanta


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

CatJayBird said:


> You both mention different partners/different relationships. So even in the same relationship/partner?
> 
> I think in my case, my hormones are playing a HUGE part!


Hormones and age can play a part as well. Most people have times when they want more or less. A lot of people reach a prime in their thirties and forties.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Doctor David Schnarsh in his book the Passionate Marriage states that marriage is one of the hardest things two people can do, if they do it right. That is because it will stretch a person and force them to grow in ways they never thought possible so that they can keep up with the growth of their spouse. 

One of his famous statements is that every aspect of marriage contains an LD and HD element that needs to be resolved by the couple in a compromise that both can live with. He uses an example of chocolate ice cream, where one partner absolutely would love to have chocolate ice cream every night for dinner and the other hates chocolate ice cream, but can stand an ice cream dessert once a week. There is no right amount of chocolate ice cream in a good marriage, it is all about the compromise that the couple can strike and that both can live with.

Similarly, I like to say that one partner may be HD for watching football on Sunday (or Monday night or Thursday night or Saturday) and the other person hates football on TV. There is no "right amount" of football watching in a marriage. Similarly, the amount of football that the HD partner wants to see may drop off to next to nothing in the Spring of the year, so what is HD in the winter might become LD in summer. 

I am sure that the OP can figure out lots of areas where she is HD and her husband is LD, maybe opera, ballet, or reading romance novels. Requiring him to keep up to his wife in such things just because she is HD does not insure a good or happy marriage. 

Schnarch would argue that the same is true about sex. It was after explaining Scharch's view of HD/LD in all aspects of a marriage to my wife in our SSM, I asked her to go with me to a sex therapist. I explained that there was no right amount of sex, that she wasn't broken, that I wasn't broken, but that we needed help in renegotiating a balance between the two of us that we could both live with.

So to answer the OP's question? Yes, it can change with time of the month, time of the year, age and a host of other things. 

And speaking of changes as we age, you might find the following interesting.

Your Penis and Age: Size, Appearance, and Sexual Function

Aging and the Sexual Response Cycle | SexInfo Online


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> So to answer the OP's question? Yes, it can change with time of the month, time of the year, age and a host of other things.


I think one very important thing to pay attention to is the perceived source of desire of the HD partner FROM THE POINT OF VIEW OF THE LD individual. 

She probably thinks like this: _My husband complains that I never initiate or do enough things sexually for him and he is very frustrated. I try to slow him down and cool him off so I can feel connected to him, but he does not want that, he just wants sex. Since I never do anything to get him aroused, I have no control, and I know he gets aroused by looking at porn on the internet and then just wants to use me for sex. _

If you show her how to lovingly calm down your libido, emotionally connect with her, and make sure that she knows how and why your desire is actually attributed to her, odds are things may change.

Badsanta

PS: @CatJayBird I just noticed that you are female, so it may help if you say if you are having issues with higher or lower desire than your partner? If what I said above sounds like how you feel, then read it to your husband.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think HD and LD have lots of causes. In some cases people may change - sometimes up and back. In others it seems inherent to their makeup and something that just doesn't every change. (they can pretend but it doesn't last).


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I pendulumed between both in the same relationship, depending on how my ex treated me. It was hugely frustrating, for both of us. Ultimately, the marriage failed in no small part because of it.


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