# Does he not care?



## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Confronted husband with teh laundry list of things I found out he's been doingbehind my back. Of course he denied and said "If you have all thei S**T on me then why are you with me?"

If he really cared, he wouldn't he say things like "I didn't mean anything by those texts/convos, I love you" or "you're the only one for me" - those words NEVER EVER came out of his mouth. Makes me think he really doesn't want our marriage to work, which is fine w me just man up and admit it. It's been 10 days since the confrontation and he shows no affection, is distant, never once has apologized for making me feel the way I do or say anything like "I love you I would never do those things, you've got to believe me..." 

Opinions?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Confronted husband with teh laundry list of things I found out he's been doingbehind my back. Of course he denied and said "If you have all thei S**T on me then why are you with me?"
> 
> If he really cared, he wouldn't he say things like "I didn't mean anything by those texts/convos, I love you" or "you're the only one for me" - those words NEVER EVER came out of his mouth. Makes me think he really doesn't want our marriage to work, which is fine w me just man up and admit it. It's been 10 days since the confrontation and he shows no affection, is distant, never once has apologized for making me feel the way I do or say anything like "I love you I would never do those things, you've got to believe me..."
> 
> Opinions?


My opinion is that you know that he does not care about you or the marriage. And, his question is a valid one. You mention that he "shows no affection, is distant...". My question is why does it matter if he shows you no affection or is distant? And the answer is that you love him and you want this marriage to work. You want him to care and be the man that you married (or thought that you were marrying). Your brain is telling you to leave but you are not really strong enough to do so. This is why you are holding onto the hope that he shows you that he cares. If I am off-base then let me know. It could be that you are just hoping for him to show some contrition so that you can move on easier. I really don't see that happening. Also, if you are finding all of this evidence and still engaging him, what incentive has he ever had to do right by you?

People can tell you that he does not care or is dogging you until they are out of breath. But it is up to you to do what you need to do. You can tell by his actions that he does not care. Life is too short for you to spend time being disrespected. Good luck.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Orion said:


> It could be that you are just hoping for him to show some contrition so that you can move on easier. I really don't see that happening.
> 
> ...it is up to you to do what you need to do. You can tell by his actions that he does not care. Life is too short for you to spend time being disrespected. Good luck.


Orion, you are so on point! The love is gone. What I seem to be holding on to is hope for contrition and my therapist warned me I may never get it, especially with the type of perosn he is. I feel that if he would just admit to something he did I would feel better knowing he did indeed do it and can just move on. I don't want to live doubting my suspicions.

You're totally right, life is too short and I have spent way too much time being disrespected to continue living like this!


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Anonny123 said:


> Orion, you are so on point! The love is gone. What I seem to be holding on to is hope for contrition and my therapist warned me I may never get it, especially with the type of perosn he is. I feel that if he would just admit to something he did I would feel better knowing he did indeed do it and can just move on. I don't want to live doubting my suspicions.
> 
> You're totally right, life is too short and I have spent way too much time being disrespected to continue living like this!


I understand that it is easier said than done. You married him and love him. It is difficult to get your mind around the fact that things are toxic. Right now, your happiness is still dependent upon his actions. Until you can get away from having that be the case, he will continue to have some amount of control over you.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I loveD him - I really don't anymore and yes things are defiitely TOXIC. I gues you're saying I need to work on MY actions and stop expecting things to come from him.

I guess I just want things to be mutual so I'm not the bad guy in this but he did say he takes total blame for it... ughhh can't wait for therapy on Thursday.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Its not necessarily that he doesn't care, Annoy, he just doesn't care as much as you wish he would. Thats hard to swallow, but what it boils down to is that You were never to him, what he was to you..and you never will be. 

Sure, he loved and cared, but not in the way he should, and there's no need on his part to change to suit you, you're replaceable. It sucks to tell you that, but thats how it is.

Eventually, instead of feeling like the bad guy, the longer you drag this out the more he'll make you out to BE the bad guy, to everyone around you and everyone you know.

Your husband is going to put no real effort forth. period. its a pity party, its a game, and if you leave, theres always someone else to manipulate. 

You don't need constant reminders from a forum to tell you that, you know it. Now you just have to find it in you to do something about it.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

CL this post really hit home for me. Thanks for being so upfront. I really appreciate it and really need it. Never realized the fact that I am indeed repalceable. That explains hsi non-chalantness. What I expected out of the marriage was never being met and I just ignored it instead of realizing I was wasting my time. I don't expect him to change for me - I don't expect that in anyone actually. I definitley realize we're just not good for each other. Plain and simple.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

lol, well I am glad that it wasn't taken offensively, because at the time I posted it I was pretty heated and delving into some realization and cold hard reality myself.

I'm already the bad guy to anyone who'll listen, its already my fault for everything, I intentionally withhold sex over money, and I'm certainly not worth any sort of effort...and, I need to learn how to be a good christian wife.

I've got quite the resume brewing eh?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Sometimes we fall for someone because of what we *think* they can be for us, without seeing the actual reality of what they will be for us. I went through the same thing with my ex. 

We've been divorced for 7 yrs now. There are things that I can tell you I *know* he did, though he never confessed to any of them, and never will. I will never hear him admit that he did anything wrong to me, even if someone held a gun to his head and tried to force him. But I know, my gut tells me that he did do those things. And so that has to be enough. 

You feel, or found evidence, that he's done things he shouldn't. He's showing you, by his actions, that he doesn't really care what you think or how you feel. When you already have these things, do you really need the words before you decide it's enough and you're through? What is getting the words really going to do for you? You think it will give you the closure you think you need. But maybe instead it would really only serve to destroy your self esteem and leave you worse off in the end. 

If you're fine with him doing the things you suspect him of doing, and you're fine with him being distant and cold, then by all means, stay with him. But if you want to stand up for yourself, show that you can't be treated that way, and find someone who will truly love you and want to be with you, then you should stop waiting for him to confess, repent, beg, or whatever it is you're hoping for, and move on.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Sometimes we fall for someone because of what we *think* they can be for us, without seeing the actual reality of what they will be for us.
> 
> do you really need the words before you decide it's enough and you're through? What is getting the words really going to do for you? You think it will give you the closure you think you need. But maybe instead it would really only serve to destroy your self esteem and leave you worse off in the end.
> 
> But if you want to stand up for yourself, show that you can't be treated that way, and find someone who will truly love you and want to be with you, then you should stop waiting for him to confess, repent, beg, or whatever it is you're hoping for, and move on.


Thanks so much for your response Wendy. I think you're right - I didn't go into this marriage fully knowing what he was about it was more focused on what I thought of him at the time. I have given thought to whether or not I really need him to admit anything several times and I agree maybe it's better I don't at times but I think I am relatively strong and it will give me some kind of clousre as I would hate to doubt my suspicious years from now - do you know what I mean? Then again, regardless if he did anything physical of not he disrespected me and the sanctity of our marriage by constantly taking advantage of my trust and not treating me as his wife. 

I am realizing that I also need to stand up for myself and I think I have made some pretty good progress by confronting him and realizing that I am a good person and deserve beter. I deserve genuine love and respect.


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