# Why always a fat ugly chic?



## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Why the hell do men cheat with fat ugly chics? My hubby complains about my weight and keeping up my appearence then blames me for cheating but his mistress is fatter and uglier then me. Im a GD beauty queen compared to her. WTH?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiance had an EA with a fat chick. He dated her before me. She put him down. and they stayed in touch. When he told her that he was dating me, she stepped up the activity and he went along for the ride. 

I've seen the e-mails, text messages and FB activity. It doesn't even appear to me that she was interested in dating him. She told him she was doing OLD and he now admits to me that he was aware of her dating one guy in particular during that period.

what do I think he was getting out of it?
1. a social life. She was inviting him to things with a groups of people
2. they liked the same music and went to the music venues together
3. I guess he liked that in your face feistiness. I've learned to step it up with him.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

From the perspective of the cheating spouse, the central characteristic of an affair partner is....availability. 

Most people, even lonely ones, have high enough standards that they aren't interested in helping someone violate their marriage vows. They don't want to be someone's second skimmings.

The fat and ugly part? Just a coincidence, I promise. If she had been cute and skinny and willing to go along with adultery, she would have suited him just fine. Ask him.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

iheartlife said:


> From the perspective of the cheating spouse, the central characteristic of an affair partner is....availability.
> 
> Most people, even lonely ones, have high enough standards that they aren't interested in helping someone violate their marriage vows. They don't want to be someone's second skimmings.
> 
> The fat and ugly part? Just a coincidence, I promise. If she had been cute and skinny and willing to go along with adultery, she would have suited him just fine. Ask him.


While I will bet you are right!!! I do agree with the OP you would think if a husband was going to take that huge of a risk she would have to be at least equal if not hotter or something over their spouse........

I guess availability trumps that though.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Availability and vulnerability. If the man feels neglected (and no, I am not blaming the betrayed spouse... I was wayward and betrayed both at different times, so I understand), he will go find someone who is less likely to reject/neglect him. He sees someone who is vulnerable, and that's who he picks.... At least, that's why my EA picked THIS fat chick 

Again, I am NOT placing the blame on the BS. It is ALL on the WS. He goes searching for the easy mark. And we fat chicks are usually the easiest choice. And yes, I am well aware that there are women who are predators.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

the one i cheated with was hawt.
slim, very beautiful and married also.
we both just gave in to what we were missing at home.
looks didnt play into it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> the one i cheated with was hawt.
> slim, very beautiful and married also.
> we both just gave in to what we were missing at home.
> looks didnt play into it.


That brings up an interesting question, what percentage of affairs includes two married people. I'm betting more than half, but that's just a gut feeling. I'm sure someone knows, although statistics in this area are always rather slippery


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> That brings up an interesting question, what percentage of affairs includes two married people. I'm betting more than half, but that's just a gut feeling. I'm sure someone knows, although statistics in this area are always rather slippery


Interesting poll idea.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It could be that such people are more available, vulnerable and desperate. Perhaps these qualities are the only attraction necessary for someone whose main objective is to get their ego stroked by having an affair with someone who is only too grateful to get the attention on offer.

Sad, but possible...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hmmm...I'm sure the affair fog makes everyone look like Branjolina.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Well hell I was always available........sucked and f_cked anytime. We are sep now and he still screws with her. I have no clue how to compete with this ****....


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I think this is fairly common. 
My theory is that the mistress' looks is secondary to the attention they shower on the offending spouse. 
The spouse is not looking to upgrade to a more physically attractive person but recapture the feeling they had for their spouse or the attention they HAD received from their spouse.
Im not justifying or excusing the cheating - only providing clarity why they choose 'uglier' chicks.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

sugahoneyplum said:


> Well hell I was always available........sucked and f_cked anytime. We are sep now and he still screws with her. I have no clue how to compete with this ****....


Suga...you can't compete with it and you'll drive yourself crazy doing so, I believe. I know it's harder to say than it is to do. Heck, Regret's xOM wasn't the best looking, but he was an attorney living in a $600k house with cars and all kinds of crap. I couldn't compete with that and I drove myself nuts for the first few months about it. 

Now...I look at his house...which was recently sold cuz his wife dropped him like a hot potato, and just giggle to myself.

Evil? Yes. I admit it. Then again...I don't give a flying F about the guy.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> That brings up an interesting question, what percentage of affairs includes two married people. I'm betting more than half, but that's just a gut feeling. I'm sure someone knows, although statistics in this area are always rather slippery


my exw had...
1 single
1 had a girlfriend but would not leave her for my exw
1 married that would not leave his w for her.

also, not confirmed but highly suspect 2 more that were married.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

And it's not always fat and/or ugly. None of STBXH's EAs or posOW are fat or ugly. in fact, posOW is downright stick-thin, and considered attractive.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> posOW is downright stick-thin, and considered attractive.


thats not attractive imho


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

The tramp is married but of course sep from her hub. This has been an on and off affair for three years. They have lived together twice (2 of the times he left me). I dont get it. I feel Im attractive very attentive damn near almost smothering until I've had enough of him blowing me off then I detach. Eventually he comes back around for a bit but she gets more of him then I do. How can I get him to want me more?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

sugahoneyplum said:


> The tramp is married but of course sep from her hub. This has been an on and off affair for three years. They have lived together twice (2 of the times he left me). I dont get it. I feel Im attractive very attentive damn near almost smothering until I've had enough of him blowing me off then I detach. Eventually he comes back around for a bit but she gets more of him then I do. How can I get him to want me more?


i did the same thing.
at some point, its time to stop the madness and find someone who appreciates you and all you have to give to a partner.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> i did the same thing.
> at some point, its time to stop the madness and find someone who appreciates you and all you have to give to a partner.


:iagree: completely. I really have no advice as to how to get him to want you more. But, if you want him to choose, then tell him to choose her or you. If he chooses her, don't take him back if he comes sniffing around again. He does this because you let him... DON'T let him! Let him see you as a CONFIDENT woman who doesn't NEED him around.

I don't know the whole story, obviously, but 3 years off and on, suga? I'd have a hard time believing it was even "off" at any point, were it my husband. But, that's just my opinion.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Not always beauty that attracts us. It might sound strange but we have emotional needs too lol


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> Not always beauty that attracts us. It might sound strange but we have emotional needs too lol


:iagree::iagree:

I know that my husband wasn't getting emotional needs met by me... that's why he and his xOW got into their EA. Oddly enough... she looks a lot like me. Tbh, not sure what to think about that. =/


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Perhaps to compensate for their looks they try harder to get a man? But have no boundaries as to which man they go after?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I don't know. My fWW is very hawt for her age, can still fit in her wedding dress with no problem. Of course I've always told her she looks sexy and beautiful. But she always took my compliments for granted. All it took was for an old HS boyfriend to tell her she's sexy and beautiful and she falls head over heels for him!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Three of my wife's OM's I just couldn't see it. They were not only unattractive, but losers to boot. Yet her EA.... Hell, I think he's dreamy too, and nice, and doing good financially, and educated, and a PhD, and well travelled and a single dad... I can't see what he saw in my dumpy wife


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jameskimp said:


> Not always beauty that attracts us. It might sound strange but we have emotional needs too lol


I do think personality accounts for a lot. It's the only way to explain how average looking or less women get married in the first place. And why a fair few extremely attractive women are still left begging.


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## Youngthang (Aug 9, 2012)

Sugar,

It is said men marry up and cheat down.

Its thrill not the looks.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sugahoneyplum said:


> The tramp is married but of course sep from her hub. This has been an on and off affair for three years. They have lived together twice (2 of the times he left me). I dont get it. I feel Im attractive very attentive damn near almost smothering until I've had enough of him blowing me off then I detach. Eventually he comes back around for a bit but she gets more of him then I do. How can I get him to want me more?


I agree with Maricha--what does "off" mean? That they aren't living together? As long as they are in communication it's very much "on" and that's never been as true as in this day and age with skyping, video, and texting photographs.

This is called "cake-eating" because he wants you _both_. He's been doing this for three years--that's long enough for him to "decide" which woman he wants. But the WHOLE POINT is that he doesn't EVER want to decide. He wants you in a _perpetual_ competition against each other to see who can be the most attentive. When he gets bored of one, voila, the other one can take over.

Here are some potential choices:
--continue doing what you've been doing; or

--visit a lawyer to understand your rights upon divorce. Then put your foot down and say, this is it, her or me, I'm not competing any more, and BTW I've booked a marriage counselor and you're coming; if you don't choose me, you are choosing divorce (and also book individual counseling for BOTH of you); or

--get off the merry-go-round and start to detach from him by practicing the 180 (live your best self as if he had disappeared) and book a counselor for YOU; visit a lawyer to understand your rights; when you're ready, file for divorce

Unlike many other cheaters, he doesn't even seem to try to hide it much (except maybe when he's home with you). That sort of behavior is blatantly, blatantly disrespectful. Always having the threat of leaving you for her is serious emotional abusive. So NO MATTER WHAT, I strongly recommend individual counseling for you so that you get an understanding of why you stay with an emotionally abusive person. 

I know "you love him" but _you_ deserve to be loved and he hasn't done that for a long time.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I've met one of his tarts, seen pics of 2 others and also recently seen photos of two girlfriends from years ago

All of them could be sisters , dark hair, dark eyes, large boobs and on the plump side.

He deffo has a type and it doesn't seem to ever have been me  - I am blonde, blue eyed and have boobs in proportion rather than the top heavy topplers although I've always been curvy

He also seems to go for 'damaged'goods - one of his exes lives like a recluse now, one emigrated to Canada to get away from life here, one posOW had been terrorised and abused by her ex, one had been a single mum with huge family problems.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Attractive women have better options vs. being the FB of a married guy. 

I'm not Brad Pitt by any means, but I found that if I give a little attention to a fat/ugly (to use your terms) chick, some get all googly-eyed, like a teen girl with a crush. I've never tried to push it further, but I imagine they are easy prey for a married guy on the prowl.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

jameskimp said:


> Not always beauty that attracts us. It might sound strange but we have emotional needs too lol


I'd say this is one of the main reasons why people stray. Even if they say it was lack of sex, IMO, it's the lack of emotional connection that not having sex can bring.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband's A partner is a tall, tanned, natural blond with a body that just won't stop. She looks like a freakin' lingerie model. 

Trust me, prettier than you doesn't hurt any less than uglier than you.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

OP - You seem so calm regarding your husband's affair... If it were me I'd be losing it! Not over her looks, either. I've known quite a few men who aren't so picky regarding who they'll use. Any look, body shape, personality, income, etc. None of it really matters when he wants and craves female attention... There will always be some woman out there to give it to him.

I guess I'm just kind of shocked that this post is regarding your comparison of your looks and hers. This tells me the situation has become somewhat "normalized" in your mind. (Kind of what I went through in a previous abusive relationship). A kind of fog, so to speak.

So do you both plan to stay married, or???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Because most affairs are not even about looks at all. Its mostly about how the affair partner boosts the ego and strokes the ego of the cheater. 

When I was a wayward (yes I was at one time) my AP was def not that great looking or even fit--AT ALL--and because they were not that psychically attractive, sick as it sounds, that almost made it easier.... I knew I was "the hotter" one" so I could or didn't have to really put my best foot forward. Does that even make sense? It was like I was just sucking up the adoration this person was laying on me. FOR WHAT? NOTHING. Anyhow. 

Don't get bogged down on looks, because the don't mean much when we are talking about cheating.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I've known quite a few men who aren't so picky regarding who they'll use. Any look, body shape, personality, income, etc. None of it really matters when he wants and craves female attention... There will always be some woman out there to give it to him.


Truth. I see a lot of posts at TAM about men's "types." I think that's something that women don't get about a good percentage of men...they don't stick to a type. When I was doing my man-ho thing back in college... fat/thin/tall/short/jiggly/athletic/white/black...it didn't matter a whole lot.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> Because most affairs are not even about looks at all. Its mostly about how the affair partner boosts the ego and strokes the ego of the cheater.
> 
> When I was a wayward (yes I was at one time) my AP was def not that great looking or even fit--AT ALL--and because they were not that psychically attractive, sick as it sounds, that almost made it easier.... I knew I was "the hotter" one" so I could or didn't have to really put my best foot forward. Does that even make sense? It was like I was just sucking up the adoration this person was laying on me. FOR WHAT? NOTHING. Anyhow.
> 
> Don't get bogged down on looks, because the don't mean much when we are talking about cheating.


:iagree:

It's more about the need for the sort of attention the cheater is looking for and who's available to offer it. I think the choice is possibly random and has little to do with looks - unless we're of the opinion that unattractive people are more likely to be single.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Stop questioning why your husband "does this" or "does that" trying to figure out a means for justifying why he's a brainless pig. Just divorce him already... your relationship is straight up toxic. He doesn't respect you so get over him already.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sugahoneyplum said:


> Why the hell do men cheat with fat ugly chics? My hubby complains about my weight and keeping up my appearence then blames me for cheating but his mistress is fatter and uglier then me. Im a GD beauty queen compared to her. WTH?


It has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the cheater and how they feel (and whats available)

STBXH cheated on me with a 42yr old wh0re. I was 27 at the time. She may have been "skinnier" but definitely not prettier and just so OLD!! For STBXH to go for someone like that when he is soooo concerned with image and appearance and YOUTHFULNESS.... :scratchhead:

She was available, we were having problems - BAM!

I don't know whats worse, ugly/fat AP or someone who is almost twice your age....it all hurts and it all sucks!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> I don't know whats worse, ugly/fat AP or someone who is almost twice your age....it all hurts and it all sucks!


does ANY of it matter more than the fact he is cheating?

why does it matter to people whether she is prettier, uglier, fatter, skinnier or any other physical trait you can come up with more than the fact the 'partner' is out banging someone else.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Attractive women have better options vs. being the FB of a married guy.
> 
> I'm not Brad Pitt by any means, but I found that if I give a little attention to a fat/ugly (to use your terms) chick, some get all googly-eyed, like a teen girl with a crush. I've never tried to push it further, but I imagine they are easy prey for a married guy on the prowl.


i assure you, this is not the only way it goes.
gorgeous thin women act the same way and will also not hesitate to be the FB of a very plain looking married man if told the right things and treated the right way. NOBODY is prone to this. 
everybody that has the partner that just wouldnt do this type of thing, remember that and treat your partner the right way in the first place.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> does ANY of it matter more than the fact he is cheating?
> 
> why does it matter to people whether she is prettier, uglier, fatter, skinnier or any other physical trait you can come up with more than the fact the 'partner' is out banging someone else.


Quite. I wouldn't be more or less offended no matter what the AP looked like. The result would be the same. The door is that way >>>


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

cosmos said:


> quite. I wouldn't be more or less offended no matter what the ap looked like. The result would be the same. The door is that way >>>


exactly!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sugahoneyplum said:


> Why the hell do men cheat with fat ugly chics? My hubby complains about my weight and keeping up my appearence then blames me for cheating but his mistress is fatter and uglier then me. Im a GD beauty queen compared to her. WTH?


I had this BF who had multiple EAs with fat and or ugly chicks. Constantly. Honestly? I don't think he could believe his luck, scoring me, and kept the second string around just in case I came to my senses....I came to my senses right around the time I caught up with all his bullsh!t. Good thing he had all those fat broads as cushioning to fall back on. :rofl:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Regarding looks, I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It does appear to me that men are more accepting of heavier women these days. So like in my situation, I am careful not to call her fat, but I do point out the words that she chooses to describe herself. In a couple of e-mails between her and my fiancé, she remarks that "sure I may be big but that does not define me. I may not be the prettiest girl but I have a lot to offer and I have to start liking myself again which means not playing the victim anymore. "

My fiancé said that he did not find her attractive at all....HIS opinion. so go figure.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Truth. I see a lot of posts at TAM about men's "types." I think that's something that women don't get about a good percentage of men...they don't stick to a type. When I was doing my man-ho thing back in college... fat/thin/tall/short/jiggly/athletic/white/black...it didn't matter a whole lot.


Exactly. As a high drive sexaholic, all that mattered for my selfish young self was for a woman to take care of my "needs" at the time I needed them to be taken care of. Now I have chosen to have more healthy pride, self respect and control.

On and off for 3 years? I'm sure he wasn't staying put when you were in the "off" position. I'd just move on, its probably easier now that its been on and off.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Ultimately, it seems it should matter as to how muc one puts out for the other. 

For example, I can understand it from the BH's point of view when the find out that
1. their wife had sex with another man without the proper courtship
2. she's paying for the dates
3. she's driving to him
4. they're having sex in parking lots

and so on.

From a woman's point of view, we're pissed knowing that our guy was more forthcoming to their AP, so doing all of the above when our guy might have quibbled with us about providing those services.

I remember when my fiancé said "but you're better than she is" to which I answered "If that were true, then why did you treat her better than you treated me."


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Racer said:


> Three of my wife's OM's I just couldn't see it. They were not only unattractive, but losers to boot. Yet her EA.... Hell, I think he's dreamy too, and nice, and doing good financially, and educated, and a PhD, and well travelled and a single dad... I can't see what he saw in my dumpy wife



Jeez,how much abuse are you going to take?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel that one way or another they all affair down ex. having a affair with a married man/woman - no morals plain and simple and i agree with the availability issue this reminds me of a bad joke 
the wife yells i am going to cut you off the husbands says well you cant cut me off if you dont know where i am getting it from -jk


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> I feel that one way or another they all affair down ex. having a affair with a married man/woman - no morals plain and simple and i agree with the availability issue this reminds me of a bad joke
> the wife yells i am going to cut you off the husbands says well you cant cut me off if you dont know where i am getting it from -jk


No doubt that someone willing to overlook the fact that you're MARRIED is an affair down. No doubt! :rofl:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> Jeez,how much abuse are you going to take?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No kidding, and I hate to divert, but it would seem that once forgiven, WS's will take Bs's for the same ride over and over again...which is why I wouldn't reconcile.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Large does not always equal ugly!

I happen to have a thing for larger ladies. Not obese, just larger.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Study: Stressed men prefer bigger women - UPI.com


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> When someone cheats they rewrite the history of their marriage. Treating" your partner the right way"is an extremely relative term. My H did the distancing and rewriting and nothing I did or did not do had any effect on what was going on in his mind, that is why they call it the fog. He didn't even bother to clue me in about any problem he thought we had; in fact he told me daily how happy he was in our marriage. He cheated because he talked himself into it,period. He had the hots for a cute little bi!tch and had to see me as some kind of evil failure in order to give himself permission to be a scum bag. No matter how a person is treated, real or imagined, they have no reason or right to cheat. No excuse is acceptable, your partner has nothing to do with your decision to cheat.If you are treated badly, say something. If the situation doesn't change, leave! that is how honorable people act. I often hear cheaters say that their "needs" were not being met. If you cannot; have not; or will not articulate what those "needs" are, how can you expect to have them met?, My H's needs boiled down to wanting some strange p***y, and the only way he could feel good about getting some was to convince himself that I was the cause of his loose boundaries and situational morality, bunk! Now that he is out of the fog he knows this, but the damage is already done.


oaksthorne, i completely agree with you.
i was speaking of the WS treating the BS the right way in the first place. if they did this they would not end up being a WS.

you are completely right, there is NEVER an excuse to cheat.


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Her dome game is probably out this world. Being that she's portly, she's an automatic candidate for a great head giver. Add on the top that she's ugly, the sex is probably bananas. What else can she offer? Not much. But there's no reason to compete with her. Just file. 

If you don't want to file, I suggest you get real freaky with your husband and just go all out in the bed room.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

When I try to give him attention, spend time with him etc he blows me off. He did mention to me once that I spoiled him in the beginning, hell I feel like I spoiled him the whole time just started nagging more and became needy because he became detached and my needs werent being met anymore I assume because he was always cheating. Then it became a cycle of me being very attentive, accomodating, stroking, catering spoiling etc. when he was around then he would start to detach i would go through withdrawl symptoms become anxcious strived still maintain first place in his life and the more I tried the more hed pull away then Id beg then id cry then id have my "tantrums" then id detach then he would start being mean and eventually we would fight argue then id get busy then he would start coming back around we would be ok for a bit except in the pit of my tummy i knew she wasn't gone cause the text messages wouldn't stop. Then the cycle would start over.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Honestly I think drugs had some to do with it.......I'm not sure if she uses but I know he did. I don't use so maybe that has something to do with it. I'm not sure what guys mean about their wife not being emo available. I was always here for him I cant help it if he didn't express his feelings to me. I tried being freaky and I gave damn good head. I just think maybe he likes the challenge of the chase maybe although she is no prize. He does however have a type I finally noticed he has a thing for Latina chicks It doesn't really matter now......deep down I know reconciling wont change anything but place of residence. He's been forgiven so many times he will never change. Not for me anyway. Maybe the next chic he really falls in love with because he learned from his mistake with me that eventually every woman has a breaking point. Its a shame they dont learn until its really over and by then its too late........I went through this with my first husband (not a cheater) but an abuser. Even though he has somebody else hes still misserable because he finally lost me for good. I keep thinking maybe it all started because I was pregnant with his first baby I couldn't party with him anymore and wasnt sexy.....he only touched me a handfull of times when I was prego then she was a premie and struggled to breath for 9 months in nicu it was a very scary time she got sick almost died, had multiple surgeries etc I can see how a man whos emotionally immature could find comfort in a woman emotionally available for him cause I was a freaking train wreck. He had lost his job the week after she was born so heres this guy, first kid in the nicu, loses his job add the fact that he had a drug abuse problem.....


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