# find myself?



## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Hello all
You can look uo my past post to understand where I am at.
My wife flip flops daily but one thing is consistant in that she always says she needs to find her self before we could ever fix our marriage. What the heck does that mean in a womans mind? If i say I need to find myself I get a map and see what road I am on. Please help me understand this statement. I am tired and feel it is becoming a mind game being able to control the situation for her. HELP


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

Wow. Atholk's misogynistic rantings aside (I'm terribly sorry for whatever horrors you experienced in your last relationship), he's partly right. 

If she needs to find herself, let her go and do so. She's really in a position where she doesn't know what she wants but she needs to sort that out on her own, and you shouldn't allow her the opportunity to take advantage of you in the process. If there's another man involved, you need to tell her that either he goes and you work on your marriage, or she goes and works on herself and you may or may not be interested in pursuing the relationship further when she's done. 

I promise you she will not respect you if you allow her to continue stringing you along with no definitive boundaries.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Let's see, trying to find one's self, another pseudonym for midlife crisis.

If your woman is having a mid-life crisis, you got no chance dude. 

Might as well be looking for the door

You might also be the the Walk-Away wife as I have read here on this site.


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

My advice is very different from yours. Mine is missing the venom and bitterness. 
That aside, I have seen posts of yours that offer excellent suggestions. I just don't understand why they have to be peppered with crudeness and offensive remarks. Minus the vulgarity, you have some great things to say.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Atholk, you need to understand that people come on here seeking help. They are often fragile and hurting. There are more tactful ways to post than you often choose to. I'd almost say that some of your posts are bordering on sadistic. Karma dude Karma, you may be the one that really needs help someday. You know, the ancient Buddhist and tibetans say that "those who know the most, know the least." Quit trying to show how smart you are and stroke your own ego and try and help some people. If you continue to only serve your own ego I can only hope that mods here ban you for life.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Why is it I ask a womens opinon and i get all the guy's answering?
I do think it is the mid life what have I done with my life and everyone elses life looks better. The grass is not greener it just Fcking grass. I don't know how to help her when she does not want help. So i just live the days and see where they go. I have to make a move at some point just don't know when. Don't want to ruin kids holiday either. Can't just keep going like this. My life just sucks right now. I still laugh but i want to be happy.


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

Well, I can assure you that I'm a woman and I think I gave some pretty sound advice. ;-)


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Take care of yourself. That's your answer to her "finding herself." Why you are waiting for her to make up her mind, I don't know. You should start figuring out what YOU want--with or without her. Just returning to the status quo isn't an option, b/c either way (she comes back to you fully or not at all), it WON'T be the same. This is a great opportunity for you to grow, so take advantage of it. If you are needy, for example (and I get the feeling from the way you wrote that you seek validation from your wife, that you don't have it within you--and this is neediness), learn to love and trust yourself as the unique person you are, with a lot to give, and be willing to share that with others just for the sheer pleasure of doing so. No matter what happens, then, you'll be happier your whole life. Remember, she has no right to expect you to wait while she figures her sh*t out. If you choose to wait, make it because you are busy with other things and willing, for the sake of the kids or the commitment, to give HER another chance. In the meantime, get out there and live.

I'm a woman, and I'm wondering what I want for the rest of my life--what do I want to do with it, what do I want to do during it. I don't feel passionate about anything these days, and I miss that. I didn't have any of these thoughts before I realized I needed to end my marriage--all I knew then was that our relationship was not working, hadn't been working for a long time (and I knew it during that long time, but thought that was 'normal.') I was really passionate about soccer but have had to give that up for now, and nothing has replaced it--but then, I haven't tried to replace it. Just recently I've started trying new things just to see what I really like. I'd like to find a new passion, but in the meantime, I expect I'll just have some plain ol' fun, and that's ok with me!


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## SM-soconfused (Oct 24, 2009)

Im leaving my husband for that reason, my explaination: Im not f*ckin happy, I want more, less, someone, something else.. NOT THIS... Harsh I know, but saying "find myself" thats the nice way.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I guess i am starting to understand, I just keep getting mixed messages. Sometimes its like she is playing mind games. I have come to figure out she wants to be in control of the situation. When I say I will contact a lawyer she goes out of control but It is what she says she wants. She says she wants to move north but has no plan. I sit down and make a plan with her that would work as a temp. seperation. Three days later she say she does not want to move north.
I good friend asked me today is it possible that she just wants to see if she can make it on her own so she does not feel that she is dependant on me for support? That seems possible. I have asked many times what it is that she needs so I can understand. I think I may have come to the point that I am just going to give up. I love my kids and would do anything in the world to make it work but if she won't try there is nothing I can do.
Her idea of a seperation is i move out, I pay the bills but I get to come for dinner every night. My idea is one of us leaves and there is no contact for 30 -60 days unless the kids have a problem.
I would be a short distance away so the kids coulod come at any time.
It sucks after 30 years together that she would do this ,I wish it was easy to just walk away for me but it hurts so bad. What hurts more is the fact that it seem that it does not hurt her that much or she would want to fix it.
Thanks everyone for the help, ATHLOK your a little to harsh for me I have been trying to stay positive in this, I have a friend that has been very negitive from the begining and I have found myself avoiding them. Sorry I do not mean to hurt anyones feelings just looking for some support thru a tough time.


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## Is_It! (Oct 17, 2009)

Here is a book that might help you understand what she is going through. 

Amazon.com: Women's Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say "I'm Not Happy" (9780976772606): Michelle Langley: Books

In a way it relieves you, but then you realize that your chances of moving foward with her as your partner is slim, but I must say that I've had my wife on different occassions say she is not happy and we are still together. Seems when a woman has lost the feeling of happyness for a guy its almost impossible to get back...

The biggest think not to do is turn into a doormat, kiss her ass and always say you will be there for her. You will get used, abused and become a shell of who you are.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I really wanted here to go and find herself and was looking forward to it. Now she has changed her plans because she can not leave our 13 year old son. I don't know if it is a control thing i just might be. She has been acting strange past few days I am just waiting for the next ball to drop. If she does not do something soon I will have to do something before I become a empty shell of a person.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

I am sad today, I now belive that it is in my best interest to give up trying. I hate to do it but all the sneakyness and lies hurt that much more. She is starting all her old bad habits which a few months ago she said were discusting. She is a troubled woman in a downward tailspin and she will not allow me to help so I will have to walk away from 30 years of friendship, marriage and true love before i crumble too. Everyone keeps telling me not to leave and make her leave. That is easy to say but she will not go so how do I proceed. Fl. is a no fault state so I can not be held for abandinment right? Any Ideas? Please I need Help with this one.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

After that last post we had a great day sunday best day in 12 years out on the boat. But since finding out she started smoking again after 17 years it just ate me up inside. I asked a few times and she said it was a friend in the car thats why it smelled like it did. That is the problem I never get the truth any more. I got up monday morning and sent an email saying i knew the truth and i needed a few days to decide what i was going to do. Her reply was what did she do and why was i upset. So I listed the past 7 month of crap i have to deal with packed a few days of things and left.
She was forced to tell the kids ( like they did not know already). She sends a email to me that night and says she needs to be alone for a while and maybe we should seperate. But the next night asked me to come for dinner and the next night to come and change a/c filters. She is having a mlc and does not know what to do. I keep trying to fix it but I can not only she can but even she can not cause she does not know what is wrong. Thats where I am and thats where I will be but now I will fix me and the kids and she will have to make a few mistakes before she realizes what she realy has and maybe just maybe we will still be her for her.
Wish me luck


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

I am in a similar situation and trying to find myself, so I hope I can give you some light in this.

I have not yet told my husband how I am feeling, but am planning to speak with him later.

Since the news of the A has come out, I feel as I have done everything I could to make him love me, to make him happy, that I have altered myself so much to keep him happy.

I feel like I do not know who I am, I feel very lost right now. I feel that he can't be happy with me in my current state (even though he claims to be).

I love him very much, and I want to work this out as well.
I just feel that I need more help. I need his help as well to remember the woman I was, the one he fell in love with.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Breakable: I have learned a great deal since I was at this post last. My wife has finally admitted she is severly depressed. She keeps running away to her moms and has only been home 70 days since june. She has tought about ending her life. She feels she can do nothing to help herself. She needs medical treatment for the depression and her thyroid problem but is doing everything to avoid it. There is nothing I can do for her, she will not even talk to me. I have read a great deal about the to medical problems and understand that her hatered for me is caused by the conditions. Until she gets help or acts on her thought I can not do a thing. I love my wife with all my heart and more but the person she has become is not her. It is hard for people to addmit they have depression so ask your self could I be depressed. It is not some thing you catch or just happens it is a brain chemistry issue and is very common. It can be treated so before you give up do some soul searching.. go to depressionfallout.com and read some of the info you might be surpised. If it is not a issue you have than good for you. Then sit down with you husband and talk seriously about the issues. To many people just walk away from the marrriage with out really trying. I truly thing that to people in a relationship and not married will work harder on that relationship than a couple that is married. Just My Opinion


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