# I'm looking for help understanding my situation!



## in_a_quandry (Jun 3, 2011)

Hello Everyone!

I stumbled across this site while seeking help for myself, and I really hope I can get some help in truly understanding where I stand. Before I begin in earnest, let me thank everyone who has taken the time out to read this, please know your insights are greatly appreciated!


I have been great friends with this guy for some time now, and though our conversation was extremely erratic, we grew very close to each other on an emotional level. He felt free to speak his mind as I did mine, and we shared many amusing moments together. 

However, our friendship never got beyond anything but good old honest to goodness friendship, as he had been seeing this girl I know casually for almost as long as I knew him. He is a loyal boyfriend, and to me he was always "someone elses guy" if you see what I mean. We enjoyed each others company, but nothing more.

Early last week we happened to meet up, and in the course of our conversation, which is always heart to heart, he revealed he had broken up with his girlfriend. She apparently had some problems in her own life that were causing uncalled for stress in in own, and he decided to call it quits. I sympathized, but that was that.

During the conversations that ensued later that day and the next, he confessed that his break up had also been partly fueled by his gf finding out he had a "kind of" liking for someone else. I said nothing to that, I always believe in letting a person finish before giving my opinion of the situation. His next sentence, verbatim, was this:

"So she figured it out that I liked you but this was after I had ended things with her."

I was surprised, as I had never really considered myself a part of the equation. He hurried on to explain that he had never felt he could talk to anyone like he could talk to me, I didn't judge him or make him feel like he had to pretend being perfect. I entirely understood that, and I explained that though we had always been great friends I had never really considered being more than that. He asked if it were possible that I would think of it, and I said that though it wasn't impossible, it would definitely warrant some time - time he needed to get over his ex, and time I would need to fully accept his new found single status. I'm not sure if this is the response I should have had, but I said what felt right at the moment.

The next few days were a blur. We spoke to each other a lot, and email traffic between us increased ten fold. We were closer than ever before, and though we weren't officially a couple, we definitely became best friends.

However, a couple days down the line, a mutual friend informed him his ex had cut herself because she couldn't handle the hurt of breaking up. (please note this was not a suicide attempt)He was visibly upset at getting to know that, and he told me about how awful it felt as well. I asked him to go have a conversation with her, and he did, and when we spoke again he told me she felt a lot better. They have continued to be in touch after that, and to make a long story short, our subsequent conversations made me suspect he still had feelings for her. I told him that, and asked him to think of it and take the situation like a man and face the issues she has with her if he really wanted her. After a long conversation, he agreed that there still were feelings there, and duely apologized to me for having to say that.

We have stayed in touch after, though his gf and he are now officially a couple again. He tells me I'm the best friend anyone could ever hope for, and I agree. I know I did the best I could, I advised him with what I truly believe is the right thing for him. But I would be dishonest if I said I feel great about the way the whole situation turned out. I'm not sure if I was too hasty in believing he had moved on, or if this guy's thing to not be sure of his feelings before expressing them. As I said, we still speak, more frankly than ever before, but its just not the same. What do you guys think? Did I mess up? Should I not be feeling weird about being a spectator again?

Lots of love and thanks!
IaQ


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't see your issue here. 

Did you like him like that or not? Sounds like you were on the fence. You had a narrow window to seize an opportunity and you balked. You did the right thing in regards to being a friend, but you did the wrong thing in regards to wanting to be his woman. To coin a basketball metaphor...he threw you the alley-oop and you were supposed to throw it down!!! You didn't do anything wrong per se, but your advice placed you back in the friend zone.


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## in_a_quandry (Jun 3, 2011)

Lol Rob, that's pretty much my problem!

From every way I think of it, what I told him was the right thing. If he still had feelings for his ex, he and I would never have worked, albeit with a feeling of dissatisfaction. So I do know for a fact that the long conversations he and I had were instrumental in getting him to talk to her, thus leading to him returning to the relationship.

What I'm trying to understand that for the first time ever, I am not satisfied within myself even after doing the right thing. Call me old school, but I have always believed that doing the correct thing for oneself was the most sure way of peaceful slumber. Does that mean I like him? That's odd, because I was the one who told him this was going too fast and we needed time to get used to the idea. 

Just looking to get your thoughts around - idk - closure maybe?

Thank you!!


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## in_a_quandry (Jun 3, 2011)

Also, to add on something that I didn't mention earlier-

My guy friend kept insisting throughout a large part of our conversations that he wanted to be nothing more than a friend to his ex. He appreciated the trust I placed in him when I asked him to go speak to her to begin with. All was well until then, but in latter conversations, I could see his feelings move. In one of our last emails where he poured his heart out, he addressed it to his ex instead of to me, which, honestly, hurt more than I expected.

Sorry if the story is kinda rambled, but I'm rather messed right now


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I think you did the right thing.
You don't want to be with a guy, and have it just be a rebound.. even though you are friends.
If you are happy just being friends with him then make it clear that is all you will ever be...
If you like him (maybe because now you can't have him) then tell him.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Doing the right thing is noble... but sometimes you get to play the guessing game in the end of what else it could of lent to if you would of acted differently. I do agree with Bunny, you might of avoided a disaster, you guys might of had a quick fling... and then he would of gone back to his ex, and you would of felt used. And by your confusion, yes it appears that you liked him, thus you don't have closure.


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## in_a_quandry (Jun 3, 2011)

bunny23 said:


> If you like him (maybe because now you can't have him) then tell him.





Rob774 said:


> And by your confusion, yes it appears that you liked him, thus you don't have closure.


I guess the consensus seems to be that I do like him. Whatever the reason be, do you still think I ought to tell him? Would it serve any purpose? Or should I remain good friends as we are now? Would that end up hurting me eventually? I don't want to grow into some kind of jealous green eyed monster that hates the girl that's with him. On the other hand, while I'm not obsessed with him, I'm obviously not content with the way things are going. Sometimes I hate my guy friend for bringing up the topic of possibly working out together, everything was so much more simple before that. Or am I just complicating things way more than necessary?

a little lost, but thanks a million for taking the time out for me!

IaQ


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I believe it's just a situation of wanting what you're now suddenly not able to have. It will pass.
Go get yourself other options, date a little, and see what you think then.
If it doesn't pass, you can always share later or another time. Perhaps it doesn't work out with his gf (again). But don't intrude on them working things out with your own mix; you'd feel equally bad about doing the 'wrong' thing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You should feel grateful that you're only a spectator. This guy goes from allegedly breaking up with a girl to immediately hitting on you and then returns to #1. That doesn't make him sound all that sincere. I'm guessing he felt understandably bad about the breakup and turned to you as a bandaid. He's known you for quite some time but "has always been someone else's guy". He's known who and what you were for a long time, so if he had any interests in you, he had loads of opportunities to mention them. This sounds more like he was reaching out for a rebound thing. If guys sat around analyzing the terrain carefully before hooking up with women, most of us would have stayed single and we'd have larger bank accounts. When the heart and hormones are at work, the male brain typically takes vacation. When we are in love, we tend to act more irrationally than rationally. I'm not buying his explanation.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I think the ex guilted him into coming back to her. He is confused with the emotions he is feeling for you as well as her. Stay in touch, but continue your life outside of him. Give it time, it may work out between you two, or you may know it would never work between you two.

Ask yourself do you really want to be with a guy who doesn't know what or who he wants.


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## in_a_quandry (Jun 3, 2011)

Spoke to him yesterday, and we logged into MSN to talk. Didnt speak much as I was in a rush, but we did exchange a couple interesting videos and shared a laugh. He seems more quiet, rather serious, I usually can see it when he's kidding around on a superficial level and I had to stop myself from asking him if something had gone horribly wrong again. I don't want to go there just yet.

Will probably go out this weekend, hang out with the girls, just have a good time. When I'm back, we'll see. I genuinely care about this guy, but for now, I just want to not get myself involved!

Thank you for everything!
IaQ


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