# Dont know what to do....



## considering01 (Feb 6, 2013)

So I have started journaling...and this is what I wrote today...

After all these years...marriage, 2 teens, the affair you had...the put downs. I feel like I have had to bear the brunt of your rude comments and try to teach you how to be normal in your behaviors. All the times you checked my phone, when you used to check the miles on my car, accuse me of money issues (some true because you wouldnt let me near our money)...when you told me it was nothing because you both agreed you would never leave your spouses (like that made me feel better?!)....all the angry outburst and the inappropriate phrases that you think its ok to say around and to our children....I am tired. When you try to hold my hand or kiss on me on I feel invaded. I see that you have tried to change and so I just feel so guilty that I cant embrace that as a wife. Over 15 years of marriage and I am just tired. I guess it took too long or I am still angry. I dont have it in me to try anymore, especially when our teen daughter says to me "how do you do it? I dont understand how you stay with him." I am ready to go but you wont let me go. I actually fantasize of being alone, in my own home, answering to only me and God. Yet, I am scared to death to do anything. I take all these anxiety meds and I feel like everything has somehow been my fault and that its inevitable that the ending would be my fault as well. I absolutely hate the way I feel. How do I tell you that I want out, NOW not later and not be scared or feel pity or guilt?? How do I? I hate how I feel but it is what it is and how do you get rid of how you feel. I am tired of pretending that we can be happy together forever.


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