# Damaged forever?



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Will there ever come a day when there's something other to think about than the fact that I'm going to be divorced soon? A time when I won't feel like I'm walking around with a neon sign over my head blinking that my husband left me? I feel like such a loser, a failure. I acknowledge my faults and what I could've/ should've done differently, but does he realize what part he had in this? He's so done even remotely discussing what happened between us. Ugh, I'm still so confused, sad, lonely, scared, you name it. I just want some peace in my heart.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you called a counselor?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you're a failure, you belong to a very very very large club. There has only been one perfect individual down here and they crucified Him. The rest of us are just humans who screw up now and then and try to muddle through, doing the best we know how. It doesn't really matter what he knows or doesn't. You can only change you and you're only responsible for you. Some folks are just slower learners than others. Peace will come with time. You're still on the battlefield, right now.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

I don't know how long you've been separated/going through this but it takes a long time to heal from a divorce...especially when you get no closure to it. I feel the same way still a lot of the days. I was doing so much better when I had something to do everyday but now I just have way too much time on my hands and it seems I've been going back to the rollercoaster ride of emotions again. Be gentle with yourself...you are normal and ok and time really does cure this feeling. Just keep focus of the good and the progress you've made even if you think its minor...it all adds up. Hugs


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If I had abrick for every time I called myself a loser and a chump for letting my wife steamroller me again, I could gather up all the bricks and build a high school gymnasium. 

Your are not alone and you will get through this. We all will.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

I feel you, I really do. Back in January, I blamed myself for the failure of my marriage, but I know better now. You should too.

We can't control other people, and there is no use being with someone who does not want to be with us. Do what you can to rebuild your self-worth and self-confidence. I still have my lows (past 2 days have been rough), but when I look back over the past few months, I do see and feel progress. It just takes time and it's not easy, but know it won't last forever. After all, our marriages didn't. 

Sorry... dark humour there, but it's true.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

*hugs*


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> I feel you, I really do. Back in January, I blamed myself for the failure of my marriage, but I know better now. You should too.
> 
> We can't control other people, and there is no use being with someone who does not want to be with us. Do what you can to rebuild your self-worth and self-confidence. I still have my lows (past 2 days have been rough), but when I look back over the past few months, I do see and feel progress. It just takes time and it's not easy, but know it won't last forever. After all, our marriages didn't.
> 
> Sorry... dark humour there, but it's true.



All of it is so true and could have written that!! I have stopped blaming myself. I may have sparked it, but I have shown true remorse, changed, and grown. I know that he was just looking for an excuse to leave and I gave it to him. It takes two and my IC has shown me that he was a big player in it's demise. I have forgiven myself (for the most part on most days) and my kids don't blame me either (I find peace with this more than anything). 

I am done with this episode of my life and can't wait to write the next one and see who gets to co-star with me

Btw I do feel like I have been damaged for life sometimes but I also have faith that I can come out a better person as I work on myself, just like I feel like 'we' could have made our marriage a better union if he would have wanted to try to R. I wanted to rip my heart out in the beginning... I am no longer there and so glad but for months I felt like who would want me I am damaged goods w/ a large brood of children, I am gaining hope that I will be able to please a man even w/ my baggage.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I've not come across a single person who is years post divorce who says anything other than "It was horrible but it was the best thing that ever happened to me." If fact, I just heard it from someone new today.

I use that to reassure myself when I feel like you are feeling today. I feel that way today too btw.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

no one else is thinking you are a loser, no one else can see that big neon sign! I'm lucky I guess because six weeks out I feel totally liberated and happy - it helps that everyone thinks he's crazy for leaving me ha ha - but canguy et al are right, you can't control what he does, he's a loser for leaving YOU without even bothering to talk about it, screw him! xxx


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

At what point can someone say he/she has healed? 

When will I say, I'm OK? When will I not have the wrenching feelings I have?

When will I not cry over this?

When will I be comfortable with myself?


Just questions off the top of my head. I'm nowhere near anywhere. I suppose you can say I made progress by stopping my drinking and being able to process this sober (which hurts even more).

All of us carry baggage. Right now, it seems that all there is, is baggage.

It's the closure part. We have to emotionally close something so important in our lives (marriage/relationship) when we had no active role in abruptly ending it. We were left, for whatever reason, and individually have to pick up the pieces.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Jay,
Here is what I've come up with as far as the healing, I will know I'm healed when I stop asking when will I be healed? Does that make sense.

The grieving process has many twists and turns, we just have to ride it out. For some people it takes longer than others; that's the unfortunate thing....there is no solid timetable. I feel that the last two weeks I've made more change than in the first three months combined.

I still have some days/nights where I cry, but it lasts a lot less now. I don't wallow like I used to. It's the baby steps that measure or progress.

We are here for each other brother, in more ways than our spouses are now.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jay,

First thing you can do is cut the victim language.

You had nothing to do with it?

Did you choose this person from the start?

Was it an "informed" choice?

Did you overlook things? Did you assume things?

C'mon dude.

Stuff happens. Get right with yourself. Learn what you need to learn - about yourself. Cut the self-pity. It's completely unproductive.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad,
Amen brother, once I fully realized that no one but me will get me through this, that is when I stopped with the victim language. 

I didn't chose what happened to me, but I can take the power back, get myself right. That is all on me. If I make it through, or drown from this...it is all on me.

You know what, I like that viewpoint now....I'm in charge of my own success.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Conrad,
> Amen brother, once I fully realized that no one but me will get me through this, that is when I stopped with the victim language.
> 
> I didn't chose what happened to me, but I can take the power back, get myself right. That is all on me. If I make it through, or drown from this...it is all on me.
> ...


Taking power back sure does help us feel more in control doesn't it We have done some crazy things like bought things my husband has forbidden because he didn't like them. The big kids and I just kind of smile and enjoy these taboo things of the past - it feels powerful (and a little naughty in a fun way)


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> It's the closure part. We have to emotionally close something so important in our lives (marriage/relationship) when we had no active role in abruptly ending it. We were left, for whatever reason, and individually have to pick up the pieces.


Closure has to come from within you. It's about you letting go. 

I know this is easier said than done. At the beginning of March my ex told me she was still undecided about us, that she still didn't know. I did not ask about it again.

I have not mustered the courage and strength to tell her it's over. Partially because I can't, at least not yet, and partially because I don't want to give her the satisfaction. Not that it matters, as she seemed happy the day she left the marriage.

We're looking for answers we'll never have. At this point it's about moving on, and in time we'll be able to accept things for what they are and move on. It's tough, difficult and still painful for me at times, but what can I do - what can you do - but persevere?

I am still friends with my ex on Facebook. It's tough to see people being so happy for her and the new friends she's making (which I partially chalk up to female solidarity and the "strong woman" thing for leaving a marriage". I cannot bring myself to unfriend her, and I know this is absolutely foolish of me. I'm just not there yet, despite moving forward.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> Jay,
> Here is what I've come up with as far as the healing, I will know I'm healed when I stop asking when will I be healed? Does that make sense.
> 
> The grieving process has many twists and turns, we just have to ride it out. For some people it takes longer than others; that's the unfortunate thing....there is no solid timetable. I feel that the last two weeks I've made more change than in the first three months combined.
> ...


Proud- You really do seem to have turned a corner lately. I'm very happy for you


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I was seeing a therapist right before he left and for one session after he left then found out my insurance wouldn't cover my visits. I've wanted to go back, but I've never had any luck with therapy. I always find myself sitting on the couch trying to come up with things to talk about. I never seem to find a counselor that gives much feedback or tools to work with. I've often felt (especially lately) that my best therapy is coming here and talking with all of you. I know it just takes time, but sometimes the whole situation seems so insurmountable and unbearable. 

I really do appreciate everyone's words of advice and encouragement. You'd think after 9 months of separation that I would have come to terms with it all, but I guess I've got more accepting and growing to do.


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## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

Just.. I have the same thoughts.. At the supermarket I'm convinced I have a neon sign telling everyone what's going on. I would love him to acknowledge what he has done but more importantly what is happening before his eyes..

I think it's symptomatic of what is happening to us. A stage we have to go through in order to heal. At least I hope it is. I look at my friends & family who have been through this and they have found a way through and are happy with their lives.

I'm terrified of being lonely, so I'm yet to be convinced that I won't be. Again I'm hoping it's just a stage that I'm going through..
Chin up xx one day soon you will be able to look back on this with different eyes xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

40, I hear you about the loneliness. Tonight seems bad, but I know I'm in for a bad weekend. Son is going on a weekend trip and I'll be here alone. I'm sure H will stop by for coffee or a short visit, which I welcome, but I must stop depending on him for companionship. Think I might go to a friends to see her new house or trip around the mall for a bit. Lord knows I've got plenty of cleaning out I could be doing around here too, that just doesn't sound very exciting though!


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

justabovewater said:


> 40, I hear you about the loneliness. Tonight seems bad, but I know I'm in for a bad weekend. Son is going on a weekend trip and I'll be here alone. I'm sure H will stop by for coffee or a short visit, which I welcome, but I must stop depending on him for companionship. Think I might go to a friends to see her new house or trip around the mall for a bit. Lord knows I've got plenty of cleaning out I could be doing around here too, that just doesn't sound very exciting though!


I vote for friend's house or mall; cleaning can wait


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Hey guys.

It has been 24 hours. No text messages, emails, phone calls to or from my wife.

I have the children overnight, which makes it easier, but still.

Wow.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

It will only scar you forever if you let it. You are in control here.


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