# How can you do it?



## confused4322 (Apr 30, 2013)

I have a question for other BS's. I am about 6 months past 
D-day and I have come along way since this whole thing started. I just feel like at this point this is far as I will ever be able to get as far as getting over this.

My SO has really been doing just about everything to try and help me through this, but I don't know if it will ever be enough. I still ask hundreds of question, which of course, leads to more questions. I think at this point my brain actually hurts from all the obsessive thoughts. I have tried two different kinds of depression medicine and they helped tremendously, but I ended up having several side effects and had to stop taking them.

I just feel that there is no way that I will ever be able to get over this and be o.k. with the fact that he has done this. Even when I feel like I am having a good day something will trigger me and I am right back to feeling down again.

I am in IC and she has been helping to an extent. My question is, how do you ever completely get over being betrayed so badly? I know that they say you never completely get over it, you just get through it. So I guess my second question is, how can you ever be o.k. with knowing this will always be apart of who you are as a couple? I have read that people still have trigger moments even 10 years down the road and I don't know if I am strong enough for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It takes time. It isn't easy.

Sometimes I get a trigger even after 15 years, but they aren't as bad as they used to be.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Sometimes you just never can get over it. Some BS's go for years before they can't go any further and they then get a divorce.

Triggers can last a lifetime.

I don't know if this is the first time for you being the BS, but many won't tolerate it a 2nd time and just leave as soon as there's a DDay. That's how I'm wired now.

Sorry, but that's the hand we were delt.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The answer is not the same for everybody. No one gets the truth after D-day, but for some the affair does stop and they get most of the truth. The lying after D-day and taking the affair underground, no matter how brief, usually cause more damage than the affair itself.

In order to reconcile, you have to re-establish trust. Trust is earned, ALWAYS. On D-day, trust went to zero. After D-day, when he said he would stop and you were wishful-thinking that he did, trust started to go back up. On D-day 2, trust went to zero. Even when he finally left his job, trust will not return as fast the second time. Depending on his actions, and your reaction to them, it may not return at all.

It helps to understand WHY he did it and WHY he won't do it again (if, in fact, he won't; in many cases, the cheater does cheat again). You have to understand the problems in your marriage, or if there really were no serious problems in your marriage, the problems in your husband's head, and his faulty coping mechanism for those problems.

There are a wide range of cheaters on here - one timers to decades long. Some had been suspected for years but only caught once, others were caught in inappropriate behavior many times, others have evidence that it really was only one time. Whatever your situation is, you must find out WHY, which means HE must find out WHY, and then figuring out WHY it won't happen again. It may involve counseling or lifestyle changes or mindset changes. He has to do the so-called "heavy lifting," but few cheaters who want to reconcile can get it right on their own without any guidance.

It helps to see that he really disowns the affair. One way to do that is to get him to handwrite a no contact letter - Other Woman Name, I am horribly ashamed of my behavior and of risking losing my marriage to my wife, who is better than you in every way that is important to me. Do not ever attempt to contact me again in any way, shape or form; if you do I will file harassment charges against you. Signed, Husband Name. You can adjust it how you want, then he gives it to you to send certified mail. You don't have to send it, but it helps you gauge his attachment to the other woman and his willingness to to what you need just by his willingness (or not) to write the letter.

Has he blocked her on facebook, off his phone, out of his email, other social media, given you passwords?

Have you told the other woman's husband/boyfriend?

Has he thrown out any gifts or cards her received from her?

Those are things that may or may not help you, but if he hasn't done them yet and hasn't offered, then it might help you gauge his mindset if you ask him to do them, even if you don't care that much about them. You will see how committed HE IS to helping you get over it.

Are you having sex with him yet? Sex is part of marriage and it does help you bond and regain the romantic/emotional component of your love.

Even if he does all of those things, it takes a long time. At least a year, but it should start to get better as time goes on. If there hasn't been much improvement at a year out, you are not making enough progress and something is wrong that should make you re-evaluate.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Do you still have doubts of what happened?

Does his story make sense or is it a bit unbelievable?

If there are doubts it's very hard if not imposble to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

confused4322 said:


> I still ask hundreds of question, which of course, leads to more questions. I think at this point my brain actually hurts from all the obsessive thoughts.


Has he given you answers that make sense? Have you caught him in any additional lies? When he answers, does he try to blame you, justify his actions, or minimize them? It is hard to get over if you think it's a serious crime while he thinks it's a minor infraction or you think he's 100% guilty while he thinks he has a valid excuse.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's the idea of being betrayed by the one you love & trust for someone else they chose over you. And then, after their wild time, they want to come back. 

I'm over 10 years removed and I have all sorts of lingering effects.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I see your question as simple will things ever go back to the way they where? The answer is no they won't even those that reconcile will agree with that, some find a better marriage others divorce the one constant is that the way things WHERE is gone. You see people in your spot a lot on this site they agree to reconcile but some where down the road they decide that they just can't get beyond it. The reasons are legion but let me give you a few of the common ones

1. After the crisis is over they realize the depth of the betrayal many BS's want to FIX things after the affair they are hurting and their mind goes into fix it mode this is the false thinking that is if they can only fix it the pain will go away. This fix it mode does not last and like the affair fog goes away leaving you with the reality.

2. They realize that the person who they loved was not really that person. We get in relationships with the idea that those we love will be faithful, trustworthy and put our hearts first or at least treat it as a precious thing. When a person cheats they destroy this fantasy and you are left with the fact that you are with a person who has failed on all these things. That is tough to deal with after all if you could go back and KNOW that they are not only capable of that destructive behavior would you still of been with them?

3. Some just get tired they just can't keep up with the amount of work it takes to get past this. What this boils down to is that there is a person who has it within them to look past these things and some find that they don't want to be that person. Nothing against people like that I greatly respect many of them but that does not mean I want to be one. I like me and don't like the idea of changing, I hold grudges and many think I am a very bad person.

4. You are always asking questions because it is like a fox in a trap they knaw off their legs to get free. Why? Because they think if they chew through the leg the pain will stop. You think that if you can only find that answer that makes it all make sense you will stop hurting. This is an illusion the magic answer does not exist, no magic wands no easy answers just life. The only way to really get past it is to change yourself enough so that you can be the kind of person who CAN get past it. 


Well that is my 2 cents I would also advocate you post on the Reconciliation thread they can probably give you more help. Also you are special, you are wonderful, you deserved to be loved, you deserve to be treasured if you want him then stay as long as he provides these things. Good luck.


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## jay_gatsby (Jun 4, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> It's the idea of being betrayed by the one you love & trust for someone else they chose over you. And then, after their wild time, they want to come back.
> 
> I'm over 10 years removed and I have all sorts of lingering effects.


So was it worth it? In that 10 years you could have started over with someone else. Not saying it would have been better, but you wouldn't have those lingering effects.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Let me ask you a very simple question----WHY ARE YOU STAYING

You complain, of everything that is wrong---you had to go on meds----your life is not much good at this time----and you stay right there in the middle of that vortex and let it suck you further, and further in

Why are you afraid of D----No matter what, D,---does set you free---it starts you on a new life---WHERE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO SEE/LOOK AT---that which has caused/is causing you nothing but misery and pain

OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND---EVENTUALLY WORKS----sure you will still have problems with was done to you---but you will be involved in a new life, with your new life, will come new adventures, new things to do, new people to meet, it does help

---and that which has caused/is causing you so much grief and pain---WILL BE REMOVED---AS IN CUTTING OUT A CANCER

But then again this is your life---you get to choose your future don't you-----enjoy whatever route you pick, just remember---you and you alone---are responsible for your future


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

confused4322 said:


> My question is, how do you ever completely get over being betrayed so badly? I know that they say you never completely get over it, you just get through it. So I guess my second question is, how can you ever be o.k. with knowing this will always be apart of who you are as a couple? I have read that people still have trigger moments even 10 years down the road and I don't know if I am strong enough for that.


I'm a little over a year past Dday. The important part is to deal with it. Really deal with it. Get to the point you can both discuss what happened openly. The WS needs to get to point where they are no longer defensive about what happened and looking to blame outside influences. They need to own that they made a bad choice and that choice hurt the marriage. The BS needs to be able to express how they are feeling in order to help process it, not just to punish the WS. 

My FWW and I are still working on it. We have a long way to go, but we are both committed to fighting for our marriage. It's not easy and I can see it's going to take a long time. I'm okay with the time as long as she stays committed to putting in the work.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

CristianoRonaldo7 said:


> I have always told myself that if I ever get married and my wife has an affair, then I would get a divorce. No ifs, buts or maybes. A divorce is what it would be...


*sigh*

Yes, we all thought that...till it happened.


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