# Problem with self-confidence.



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I have it.


I'm 24, I don't know if I'll ever get rid of it and I have problems with getting attention from the guy(s) I've been/am interested in the past/now. Unwillingly, I seem to get attention only from those I don't care about.

In my every-day life and around guys I don't have feelings for or those whom I see just as friends, I am totally myself because I act freely, carelessly, friendly, become talkative, funny, easy-going, flirty [just to pass the time and have some fun], I initiate things/discussions/activities. I'm always up for new things/going to places/change routine/give help and I don't care if I sound/act stupid because I feel indifferent towards their opinion about me. After all they should like me for who I am. 
And that's how I am around friends and it has NEVER been a problem for me to make friends.

But I'm* totally the opposite* around my crush/the guy(s) I like/have liked in the past. 
I keep distance, become a *control freak* of the way I act/talk/walk/laugh/move/stand/look and so on. 

I shut myself down, become nervous, fearful, I don't sit/stay anywhere near them because I'm afraid they will notice my "weakness" and will laugh at me for the way I act, especially when they don't feel the same way about me.

I never ever flirt with my crush(es) [and I know I should be doing the opposite], I never look them in the eye, I never initiate discussions, I never ask for anything first, I always try to avoid them, I never laugh around them, I never try to be funny around them otherwise it'll feel fake, I hardly ever talk, and when I talk I feel like I'm doing it to get attention and I don't like it. 
Around them, I always run out of ideas/things to talk about because I get stuck and feel blocked.
I don't feel like I am myself and I have a HUGE problem thinking about what he thinks of me. 

I got a boyfriend for the first time when I was 22 and the relationship lasted nearly a year and ended because of my decision. I'm sure you remember from my previous threads that it was a sexless relationship because the guy used to talk about his ex-girlfriends a lot and this did turn me off , hence my decision to not have sex with him. He wasn't puting much effort in that relationship and I felt unwanted and undesiderable. 

I know I should change my attitude but I just can't. I always fail. 
Most people think that just because I'm good looking I can get any guy I want.
That's not the case at all. With me, it's the opposite. 
I lose every guy I want.

Believe it or not, me and a guy have never had mutual feelings of likeness/crush/love or whatever you want to call it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Completely normal, especially at your age. Keep working on it, but some of that is just going to take time.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

The first step is admitting you have a problem....after that it's just persistence and self awareness to make changes.

Right now I'm working on things one small step at a time. First step...eye contact with every girl I talk to. Always had a bad habit of quick eye contact then not looking at her again for most of the conversation. Baby steps.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Completely normal, especially at your age. Keep working on it, but some of that is just going to take time.


I feel out of place and out of this world. 
My girlfriends have had several boyfriends and when they talk about guys I've liked in the past, I get blushed and change subject. 

My 19 year old cousin [who's already had 2 boyfriends] offered to help me with this guy I like at my Master's Degree Class. 
She said she would follow him for me to see what clubs/bars he goes to so that I can go there too. lol. She's crazy. 
I have never done anything crazy for a guy.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Alternatively you could relocate to the USA. I'm sure there are at least a dozen guys on TAM that would be very patient with this issue.....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep your so worried about being a real person and the one you like never notices that your real instead he thinks why bother shes stuck on her self and looks for someone who can be themselves.


just be yourself warts and all thats how you catch the man of your dreams.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you really in Albania? If so, I don't know if you can get it or not, but try to get hold of a US tv show called Tough Love. It's on VH1 and you may be able to see the episodes on their website. This season is called Tough Love New Orleans. You will learn more on this one tv show than you and all your friends combined about how to attract boys/men and how to pick the right ones and how to keep them. I promise.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LG, I have the same problem, just switch the genders around. In fact I think it is even worse for a guy because so often we are the ones that are supposed to be pursuing. It seems you don't like to be the pursuer either, but are not interested in the pursuing type of guy, so it really becomes hopeless feeling - how will you ever make that connection? For me I have spent too long waiting to be pursued because it never happens, so like me if you want to make it happen you have to get out of your comfort zone, or else you will always be having polite conversations with little old ladies instead of flirting with some young hot thing like you'd rather be doing.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

This is a strategy that worked for a couple of friends of mine.

The next time you're out with your friends (bar, concert, zoo, carousel... Doesn't matter), collect "No's." Approach three guys you have absolutely no interest in, see if you can get their number. The object is to have them say "no," just so you can understand that being rejected isn't that big of a deal, and so when you do meet a guy you're interested in, it'll be easier to approach him because you know a "no" is just a "no."


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> Are you really in Albania? If so, I don't know if you can get it or not, but try to get hold of a US tv show called Tough Love. It's on VH1 and you may be able to see the episodes on their website. This season is called Tough Love New Orleans. You will learn more on this one tv show than you and all your friends combined about how to attract boys/men and how to pick the right ones and how to keep them. I promise.



I've seen that show but not many times because it is played in the Morning here, when I'm at work. I really like that show. Maybe I should download it from the Internet. 
Thanx! 

@Lon - 
I like a confident guy who makes the first step and I'm turned off by guys who are too shy and don't initiate lol.
It's the double standard here. I have a hard time getting out of my comfort zone and I expect it from the guy. 

I envy some girls who are careless around their crushes. I always wonder how they do it. I wish I had that confidence.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> This is a strategy that worked for a couple of friends of mine.
> 
> The next time you're out with your friends (bar, concert, zoo, carousel... Doesn't matter), collect "No's." Approach three guys you have absolutely no interest in, see if you can get their number. The object is to have them say "no," just so you can understand that being rejected isn't that big of a deal, and so when you do meet a guy you're interested in, it'll be easier to approach him because you know a "no" is just a "no."


Something tells me she's gonna fail at this mission. No guy would say no.....lol.....unless they're a priest or standing next to their wife or something....even then it's a stretch she'd get a no....


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> Something tells me she's gonna fail at this mission. No guy would say no.....lol.....unless they're a priest or standing next to their wife or something....even then it's a stretch she'd get a no....


 Well, that is kind of the point.  The absolute worst thing that could happen is that she'd get the number of a guy who she's not interested in.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> This is a strategy that worked for a couple of friends of mine.
> 
> The next time you're out with your friends (bar, concert, zoo, carousel... Doesn't matter), collect "No's." Approach three guys you have absolutely no interest in, see if you can get their number. The object is to have them say "no," just so you can understand that being rejected isn't that big of a deal, and so when you do meet a guy you're interested in, it'll be easier to approach him because you know a "no" is just a "no."


lol sounds like a good plan but I wouldn't even care or bother to approach to a guy I'm not interested in.

But your idea makes sense and has logic in it!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> lol sounds like a good plan but I wouldn't even care or bother to approach to a guy I'm not interested in.
> 
> But your idea makes sense and has logic in it!


that's the problem you are hinging the outcome to whether or not you are interested in the guy. What you need to do is approach the guy as if you were not interested in landing him, just simply to introduce yourself. (obviously I don't mean giving your number to everyone, just making contact).

What I am working on for myself is approaching everyone alike whether I am interested in them or not, so that when I do have an interest I don't clam up, it will just feel like normal conversation. I find it really hard to not invest too much on the outcome with attractive women, so I go in just testing interest rather than trying to gain her affection. Same for you, engage in conversation with everyone alike, when there is a guy you are interested in test his interest before deciding what kind of outcome you want, should hopefully save yourself some disappointment.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> In my every-day life and around guys I don't have feelings for or those whom I see just as friends, I am totally myself because I act freely, carelessly, friendly, become talkative, funny, easy-going, flirty [just to pass the time and have some fun], I initiate things/discussions/activities. I'm always up for new things/going to places/change routine/give help and I don't care if I sound/act stupid because I feel indifferent towards their opinion about me. After all they should like me for who I am.


Appreciate the real you and all of these good qualities.Some of my favorite GF's when I was younger started out as friends and my relationships with them added immensely to my confidence level as I grew and my horizons broadened.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovelygirl said:


> In my every-day life and around guys I don't have feelings for or those whom I see just as friends, I am totally myself because I act freely, carelessly, friendly, become talkative, funny, easy-going, flirty [just to pass the time and have some fun], I initiate things/discussions/activities. I'm always up for new things/going to places/change routine/give help and I don't care if I sound/act stupid because I feel indifferent towards their opinion about me. After all they should like me for who I am.
> And that's how I am around friends and it has NEVER been a problem for me to make friends.


 I was this same way in my youth (school years). . All the guys that I was HIGHLY attracted too -never knew because I was too young & backwards to ever dare give an indication outright. (they were in higher grades & didn't know I existed - once me & friends called this one up & hung up on him- he was grades ahead of us .... He played guitar and I was "ga ga " over him. 

BUt still... I did not believe a woman should pursue (how you feel also).... if they came & talked to me, I was pretty much fine...that in itself boosted my confidence. Most of them had questionable character anyway, so all in all, I did not feel I was missing much...other than maybe some trouble. They were just very pleasing to look at. In the end, I don't think a one of them would have satisfied me for what I wanted in a guy. 

When I met my husband, I can't say I was head over heels.... but I was totally unequivocally myself from the get go. It is just easier when you aren't burning with lust somehow....in some dreamy state where you are going "ga ga", "la la" and "OMG, he is sooo HOOOOOOTTTTTTT- with your heart beating out of your chest!" I think we all can mumble, stumble and make asses out of ourselves when we feel like that... putting others up so damn high on a pedestal ... 

The question is... WHY DO WE DO THIS?? Why is our normal friends "not as good" as these people to us.. why are we *comparing *others to this degree.. doesn't this go to the heart of the matter. This "Comparing spirit" IS an issue, it is our FLAW. It then sinks us, makes us feel less. 


The clincher is this.... we simply have to BE OURSELVES around these MEN...what can do that for us... is to feel "worthy" before them...... or we might as well put a fork into it....being your true self...that crazy spirit, the outlandish goofiness, silly flaws, the flirty girl throwing it all over -just for FUN, uninhibited conversation......THIS is what wins us those friends who love us to peices and lovers... what attracts and binds people to us, gives us memories that will never die...... we then make them Laugh, relate, Feel and desire to keep coming back for more!! When we fear to be ourselves before others, it is a near guarentee connection is not going to happen, only a "scratching the surface" impression. 

Being overly self conscious brings us down to the size of a pea... in this way, you need to change your mindset.... practice on looking outward...If you do get into a conversation -after showing some body language to lure them in your little bubble...(more below)... start asking them questions, seek to know them -not putting them on a pedestal feeling you are less......in reality...they have insecurities too ...we ALL do, in one area or another. 

To the heart of the matter...you obviously feel these "confident" gorgeous men you are so attracted too... is "high above you" ...reminds me of that song....."She's so High above me" (turn it around to "He's so high above me") WHY do you feel this way LovelyGirl ?? If you felt they were your EQUAL -you would not be struggling here...right ?? 

From the standards of men... You are stunningly beautiful, the type other women are jealous of....you sing in front of large crowds of people without even a crack in your voice, you have a variety of friends in your circle who love you & you have much practice in being who you are with them...all the flaws and delights of your personality........ Most would assume you are beaming with confidence! ....and be very surprised to hear you struggle here. 



> I shut myself down, become nervous, fearful, I don't sit/stay anywhere near them because I'm afraid they will notice my "weakness" and will laugh at me for the way I act, especially when they don't feel the same way about me.




Given what you say here... you run away so fast that I seriously doubt they would notice anything strange but even if interested, they feel you aren't -in the slightest! Don't underestimate the fact YOU may intimidate them !... they likely feel you are "taken" and if you never look their direction ...allowing your eyes to meet theirs... they may even loose confidence to "give you a try" -after all -you walked away & won't look at them!! 

I would think .... what creates "confident men" is learning how & when a woman's body language is clawing at him saying...."come to me big boy"... he gets a track record of this working like a charm, bursting his own ego... 

The TYPE you desire already have women clammering at their feet, so if you don't put out some "looker" vibes their direction, they might just walk out of your life. Give it to him Lovely! Risk it! 

I read a book about Insecurities 6 months ago -- by a Christian author.... it spoke that many would be surprised that some of the most beautiful women are lacking in confidence, they are infact insecure.... because they have learned to "depend" on their looks for acceptance.. Amazon.com: So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us 

This is not foundational. It is the Barbie society I guess... we are almost bred to "compare" ourselves...holding that measuring stick up to ourselves... It is a challenge to STOP this behavior and allow ourselves to LOVE who we are, what we are, where we are.... to believe we are enough, worthy to be loved even if we are a little insecure !!! So what....join the human race. I think too many people worship "confidence" anyway. 

What specifically are you comparing - I think in the comparing -it brings the unrelenting hangup. Are you comparing "sexual experience"?? Social status...Do you feel you will be rejected over your lack in this area...beings your last Boyfriend was always talking about his previous sexual exploits? How very unfortunate. 



> I never ever flirt with my crush(es) [and I know I should be doing the opposite], I never look them in the eye, I never initiate discussions, I never ask for anything first, I always try to avoid them, I never laugh around them, I never try to be funny around them otherwise it'll feel fake, I hardly ever talk, and when I talk I feel like I'm doing it to get attention and I don't like it.
> Around them, I always run out of ideas/things to talk about because I get stuck and feel blocked.
> I don't feel like I am myself and I have a HUGE problem thinking about what he thinks of me.


 All of this is screaming ... (from their perspective)... you are NOT approachable, they likely see you as Stuck up, too good for them (even though none of this is true, you are right when you say it is working totally against you!).... they may even feel "dissed" so it should make sense why you are not hooking any of them....not because they wouldn't want to. Even the confident don't want to screw with their track record.. and get slammed. Many can "sense" a wall, even in the distance.

Work on Lon's advice a few posts ago... do not put anyone on a pedestal.. put yourself up there. You are equal with all... you know you have ALOT to offer a good man, don't assume he is "ALL THAT"... walk assuming YOU ARE all that-- and finding a man worthy of YOU.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing to do is join some clubs of things you like to do. What better way to meet a guy than for him to be doing the same thing you like?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I have the same problem around women I'm really interested in. I think its just nervousness. Being that guys have to make the approach, I just force myself to get over it. For me, everything starts with the eyes.

Its the easiest way to get a specific person's attention without being embarrassingly overt. Make sure you're looking at him often enough that he notices. Maybe flash a bashful smile. Things like that are obvious signals and they work for me every time. If a woman shows me a good smile, and I find her attractive, I immediately start thinking of how to approach her.

If I'm exchanging looks with someone, then I find it a lot easier to make a few comments and judge whether I misread the looks or not. If all of her responses are short, quick answers, then I'll judge that she's not interested in me. If she's wordy or pursues her own avenue of conversation, then I'll think she's interested in me.

These conversations are usually situational. So anything you can do to give him something to talk about is a plus.

Another thing you can do is to ask questions. Ask the guy you're interested in for directions. Ask him for the best place to go for some food nearby. It doesn't matter that you know the answers, you're talking, and a guy with any sense won't let you stop.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> One thing to do is join some clubs of things you like to do. What better way to meet a guy than for him to be doing the same thing you like?


Believe me, I'm so damn busy with pursuig my hobbies and doing things I like that hardly do I have time to meet new people.
Outside of work, I go to the gym/run outdoors, I've also have taken foreign language classes, currently studying Master's Degree, I also play volleyball once a week. 

So I always make sure to not waste time but on the other hand these activities don't give me time to go out often and meet new people.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I'd be willing to bet at each one of those places there is probably some guy that's been noticing you. Keep your eyes up and look around. He's out there waiting for you!  They say it's always where you least expect it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gyms have people. You can't play volleyball by yourself. Classes by nature have more than one student.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Believe me, I'm so damn busy with pursuig my hobbies and doing things I like that hardly do I have time to meet new people.
> Outside of work, I go to the gym/run outdoors, I've also have taken foreign language classes, currently studying Master's Degree, I also play volleyball once a week.
> 
> So I always make sure to not waste time but on the other hand these activities don't give me time to go out often and meet new people.


Perhaps not, but these are all activities that will make you much more attractive to the eventual Mr. Right that you meet. Keep it up, my friend!

Or should I say shok? Mik? I dunno... I'm pretty good with languages, but as you know, Albanian is different and Google was not my friend.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

SA, there is so much truth in your post! Thanx for putting so much effort!
<3



SimplyAmorous said:


> To the heart of the matter...you obviously feel these "confident" gorgeous men you are so attracted too... is "high above you" ...reminds me of that song....."She's so High above me" (turn it around to "He's so high above me") WHY do you feel this way LovelyGirl ?? If you felt they were your EQUAL -you would not be struggling here...right ??


As I was telling someone else here on boards, I dont' think I fit into Albanian guys' ideal girl. Most guys over here want exgravagant, sl*tty looking girls and that's why I don't attract attention. And if these guys like those type of girls then they're definitely NOT my type of guys. 
I've noticed I get along better with foreing guys lol. 
Unlike Albanian guys, the foreign ones know how to satisfy and treat women better. While Albanian guys have a lot of work to do in this department. So I don't think they are above me but when there's a guy I feel interested in he either is already in a relationship or simply doesn't seem to notice me.
And I agree when you say I should make myself be noticed it's just that I don't know wha happens inside of me when there's a guy that catches my attention. 




> I would think .... what creates "confident men" is learning how & when a woman's body language is clawing at him saying...."come to me big boy"... he gets a track record of this working like a charm, bursting his own ego...


Totally true! 
I seem to push guys away...

Also, now that I recall I remember a guy friend of mine telling me one day:
"With your attitude around people you don't know, especially guys, you seem like you don't care, like you don't look and don't give enough space/chances to them to approach and talk you. Before getting to know you personally, I always thought you were not interested in getting to know other people".
His conclusion appears to be true and most of the time I give the wrong impression.




> What specifically are you comparing - I think in the comparing -it brings the unrelenting hangup. Are you comparing "sexual experience"?? Social status...Do you feel you will be rejected over your lack in this area...beings your last Boyfriend was always talking about his previous sexual exploits? How very unfortunate.


Being rejected sexually is another fear given that I'm a virgin and to some guys this could be a turn off. Although, this doesn't prevent me from approaching guys. I don't think that's the reason but if me and a guy would get closer to being in a relationship, I'd make sure to tell him about this and see how he could deal with that.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

turnera said:


> Gyms have people. You can't play volleyball by yourself. Classes by nature have more than one student.


The guys at my gym are married.
I play volleyball with my high-school friends, whose guys I see as brothers.
There's a guy at my class that I have a crush on but he's so damn good looking - and def. sounds like my type .. but why would he be single??
I have a hard time approaching him. 
Well, we've talked a few times here and there, we've also sat near each other 2-3 times and chit-chatted a bit...but that's it. He has never invited me out for a coffee/drink after school.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Any guy that wouldn't see your virginity as something special isn't worth your time anyways. You have the right to be picky, to wait. Are you worried that he's going to think your not a good lover because you still have your virginity? And your right, the topic shouldn't even be approached until your well into dating and things are starting to get physical. If he makes fun of your virginity then you know what to do with him....drop him and move on.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Try seeking a psychologist to maybe help you with whatever issues you may have. Would you like to try that? help lower and fix the problems you seem to describe that you think and say you probably should change but always fail to change?

I wish the best for you it sounds like you are a bit lonely and need someone. So i hope you can get past this and be able to move on and find someone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My daughter will be 22 in a couple months, and she's still a virgin. I raised her to believe that sex is something you don't just give out - it needs to be with someone you care about. So far, she hasn't met anyone worthy enough, lol.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As for the guys who haven't asked you out, remember (sorry guys) that men are pretty simple: feed their bellies, feed their ego, feed their mind, and feed their libido, and you've got a guy who's into you. You need to be mysterious, you need to be a little bad, you need to be smart, and you need to be confident. Work on your confidence, and the rest will fall into place.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Believe me, I'm so damn busy with pursuig my hobbies and doing things I like that hardly do I have time to meet new people.
> Outside of work, I go to the gym/run outdoors, I've also have taken foreign language classes, currently studying Master's Degree, I also play volleyball once a week.
> 
> So I always make sure to not waste time but on the other hand these activities don't give me time to go out often and meet new people.




Lovelygirl,
You worry too much.
You are leading a very active lifestyle , and any guy who wants you must fit into your standard / lifestyle. Adjustments should come after. 
You will naturally be shy/ introverted around your crush . Any man " worth his salt" knows how to read a girl's body language , and get through to her.
If he's interested he will pursue.
If you are interested in a particular guy and he is shy,then don't let it turn you off.
Most of all.
Continue working on you.

On a different note;
Is Albania part of the Euro Zone
Or is it still part of the former " Soviet Bloc?"


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Wait... what guy views a woman's virginity negatively? Its awesome to be someone's first and potentially only partner. Its special.

I don't know a guy that wouldn't want a virgin... unless of course he's not willing to put in the effort to get there, and if that's the case, why would you want that guy?

Definitely no issue there.


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Lovelygirl, I think you are just that! Much of what you wrote was like reading my own thoughts already on paper, and I just want to say that you sound like such a wonderful young woman. You have so much going for you, and so much to offer a man. Trust me, I am sitting in the same situation, but the exact opposite corner. I am a decade older then you, and have lived a life, and made choices that have rendered me basically completely undesirable to men. You however, have not made any such choices, and the most wonderful man will recognize how amazing you are. Keep doing your thing and keep your head up lovelygirl


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Illbehisfoolagain said:


> I am a decade older then you, and have lived a life, and made choices that have rendered me basically completely undesirable to men.


Not to thread-jack,but having commented on your own post I stand by what I said there in both posts.You aren't undesirable by all men,you just haven't met the right one yet.Not all men are overly rigid and judgmental in their thinking,so please don't give up.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I will give longer answers from my computer when I get home but I think some of you might have misunderstood my posts.
I didnt mean to say I'm not desiderable by men. I meant to say I don't attract the men *I WANT* because of the way I act/feel around them. My self-confidence around them shuts down for some reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Completely normal, especially at your age. Keep working on it, but some of that is just going to take time.


:iagree::iagree:
You just have to become more comfortable in your own shoes. Everyone goes through this to some extent though...acting different in front of someone they want to impress/not put off. It's gonna take time, but just work on being yourself! The more you think and worry about it, the harder it is going to be to act natural.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I will give longer answers from my computer when I get home but I think some of you might have misunderstood my posts.
> I didnt mean to say I'm not desiderable by men. I meant to say I don't attract the men *I WANT* because of the way I act/feel around them. My self-confidence around them shuts down for some reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




That's only natural when you are attracted to someone!
No need to worry.
Sometimes its a sort of " defense mechanism[?]" kicking in.......


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> I will give longer answers from my computer when I get home but I think some of you might have misunderstood my posts.
> I didnt mean to say I'm not desiderable by men. I meant to say I don't attract the men *I WANT* because of the way I act/feel around them. My self-confidence around them shuts down for some reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand this exactly. I still find it difficult to talk to women I find extremely attractive. Hell, I even feel awkward just eating at Hooters (its a chain restaurant where the waitresses are intended to be part of the draw). You think its hard to get the attention of a guy you want, its even harder to get the attention of a woman... and I've learned that a cold pickup where she didn't notice you before you started talking to her almost never works. So us guys have to do something to get noticed, without making a fool of ourselves. Tricky thing.

It sounds defeatist, but I get over my nervousness by telling myself nothing's going to happen anyway, she's not interested... so who cares... just talk like she's anyone else. Thinking that way sounds negative, but it helps defuse my tension and the pressure of trying to make a good impression. That way I don't unnaturally force the conversation and if she's not into me, oh well, nothing is lost. Of course, then there are women that I just don't bother trying to hit on because they're simply out of my league.


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