# Need Your Help



## Kristina and Raf

My wife and I are starting a website focused on newlywed couples and giving them solutions to get through those first few years of marriage. We want to add value to couples by helping them understand that the marriage starts with each individual and that communication is a huge piece of pie. Finding that harmonious balance in life is what we are aiming to provide. 

We are reaching out in hopes to get some feedback from a post we created. Below is copy of our first piece.

Our questions for you, are should we...

1. Focus more on our experience on how we put the happiness of our marriage on the other spouse because this seems to be a big topic when newlyweds open up to us?

2. Add more details about what exactly happened in those first few months of our marriage?

3. Or focus less on our experience and more on the solution that we used to get through this hump?

Is this something that may resonate with your personally if done right? Any other advice you may suggest for us?

Thanks so much in advance! 

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Our planned wedding went off without a hitch. We just returned from our dream honeymoon to Jamaica. All our presents were opened and placed in their appropriate places. And now we were in our new home, ready to start our new life as a perfect, married couple. Boyfriend turned into husband and girlfriend turned into wife. For life.

But why weren't we feeling the tingles anymore? Why wasn't my husband still trying to sweep me off my feet? Why was my wife not always doing herself up for me everyday? Being on cloud 9 was soon a figment of our imagination.

And why was this happening so soon?

What we didn't expect to feel as a newlywed was exactly this. We didn't feel like newlyweds. As a matter of fact, we didn't feel anything at all. Yes we were happy to be married, but the bells and whistles of being a newlywed was soon gone. Maybe its because our engagement was long. Or maybe because we got to the point where we wanted just to be married and get the wedding done an over with. Whatever it was, it happened.

We were still the same people, still the same couple we had been. We still had the same lives, the same problems, only now we were married. Though simple as it may sound, it was an outstanding shock at the time. Looking back at it, we wanted to feel the hoopla of being married. We wanted to be in the romantic phase for years, but that was far from the case. And unfortunately it happened only months into our marriage.

We came to understand that our marriage didn't equate to unlimited happiness. Yes, we were happy, but we needed to work towards being happy as a couple. It hit us quickly that it was unfair for each of us to put unrealistic expectations on each other to feel married. Marriage can be seen as a "feeling" rather than a "decision". We decided to be married, and with that feelings do come and go. In truth, that feeling fades, in our case, it was quicker than most. Especially if life hits you with a new career, new business opportunities, and even a child. When marriage happens, each of us had to decide to be married. We couldn't go off feelings alone, well because, feelings are ambiguous.

We put blame on each other rather than ourselves for not living up to the spouse that we expected each other to be in the first few months after our wedding. In reality, we needed to look at ourselves and not point the finger. We needed to be the spouse we wanted the other to be. We needed to understand that marriage is a two way street. Our happiness doesn’t dwell in the other person. Our happiness during the lost newlywed stage started with ourself.

We realized that each of us was at much at fault for anything and everything in our marriage. We each can only control ourselves. Kristina is responsible for her actions to make this work, and so is Raf. Your honeymoon phase may last a lot longer that it did for us. But after that phase fizzles out, the whole relationship doesn't do a 180 degree turn and completely change. You each are in a relationship because of your love. A wedding doesn't change that love, it just makes it formal. Take it into your own hands to choose to be happy. Having the expectation that our "honeymoon" phase wasn't going to last long would have made us prepared for those arguments and shouting matches that all newlywed couples have.

Your last name or your address may change. But if you think the relationship will change drastically, I hate to say that it won't. Fairy tale endings take trials and tribulations to go through before the prince kisses the princess. The fairy tale ending doesn't begin when you finish saying "I Do". If you think your future husband will stop watching football games on Sunday because you want to go to the mall, think again? Oh and those guys drunken night out, those still happen, it takes a few years to get those out of his system. 

Don’t expect everything to magically change for the better once the wedding is done. Be the change you want to see in your spouse. Happiness stems not from one person but from the both of you.

Did your relationship change after your marriage? If so, what exactly happened that made it change?


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## MSP

This is going to be pretty blunt. Sorry 'bout that.

What do you think you are offering that hasn't been said many times before and yet not really helped anyone?


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## Kristina and Raf

MSP, we appreciate your "blunt"ness so Thank You.

What we want to do is help couples understand that most problems within a marriage are rooted within each individual spouse. And that they CAN be solved.

What do you think? Thoughts?


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## Alpha

Sorry, but I just found your post really boring, and like MSP hinted, very cliche. 

You should first state how long you've been married before you can qualify as an expert in long term marriage. Have you ever been to Married Man Sex Life? Athol Kay does a great job and really gets into the nuts and bolts of keeping a long term relationship. Look at him for inspiration.


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## jb02157

I actually thought that Kristina and Raf did a very good job. If we knew as much as was in their post when we were first married I don't think we would have had the train wreck of a marriage that we have now. After 25 years I have absolutely hated being married and have wanted out ever since the first couple months. We have money issues, trust issues and she never cleans the house or really does anything. I can't do everything by myself and I feel exhaust all the time. It's all a matter of when it will end now.


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## Kristina and Raf

Appreciate all the feedback, both positive & negative.


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