# husband is looking at porn



## rysmomma

Okay, so i've posted a few times on here (we are trying, but i'm not sure pt 1,2,3). but, just to update people. my husband and i have lived in separate houses for a few weeks now. we have been married for 2 1/2 years. we have a 9 mo. old son. well, we are going through a lot right now. lack of communication is the biggest thing for me. well, i noticed that he was looking at porn on his computer. his computer is here at my parents (where i'm staying) and he comes over a few times a week. well, i didn't suspect anything till two days ago, he was here and on the computer when i came home and i didn't see what he was doing, but last nite he stayed with us and he was on the computer and acting sorta funny. so, i just blew it off. i thought i noticed that he was on the logout page of a myspace profile. so, i was thinking he never gets on there. well, i decided to look and see what he was doing and sure enough for the past 2 weeks (that's how long the history lasts) he has been looking at porn. well, he says he is a christian and this is what bothers me. we both met in church and we said when we got married that we would live our lives that way. well, he has stopped going to church all together and never goes when i ask him. i don't know what to do about this. it is crazy and i am afraid to talk to him because he gets mad when we talk. he is here right now and i want to just tell him to leave and that it is over, but i don't want to be irrational.


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## draconis

Christian or not when the temptation is there anyone can get addicted to porn, gambling, alcohol, drugs etc. What you need to do is sit down with him, set boundries to what you think is acceptible in your marriage and let him know that the ball is in his court. If he messes up then it is all on him, not you and that there will not be more chances. On a side note have you thought of installing nanny net or other software on the computer? That might frustrate him.

draconis


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## Amplexor

We've had very good luck with CyberSitter.


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## rysmomma

well, i talked to him and he got really upset and we got into an argument. he said that he has looked at porn in the past but that he was not looking at it on monday, and he tried to prove that with odd things that really made no sense. he says that he has not looked at porn since we have been living in separate houses. i don't think that he would have a reason to lie, but i am not sure, we will just have to see. he is so mad at me that i don't beleive him. we are not going to see each other for 2 days, and he took my wedding rings and we are officially considered separated. we are going to talk on friday about a lot of stuff. we are hopefully going to go to conseling, but i'm not sure if he is even willing to work things out. i don't know what to do or say to him anymore. i don't know if anyone knows the answer to this question or not. can you have something on the history of you computer and it not actually have been visited, but rather just a virus. that is what he says happened.


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## Farfignewton

Why did you guys split in the first place? Did it have to do with porn or infidelity? Are you two having sex at all lately? Do you think he just needed a "release" or has this been a long term problem in your relationship? 

My H is a computer programmer and has taught me a lot. Often getting himself in trouble with my new found knowledge. There are viruses that cause pop up ads to be displayed on your computer, but you can clearly tell the difference between a pop up add and a page that was visited.

He's just trying to cover his tracks.


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## draconis

rysmomma said:


> well, i talked to him and he got really upset and we got into an argument. he said that he has looked at porn in the past but that he was not looking at it on monday, and he tried to prove that with odd things that really made no sense. he says that he has not looked at porn since we have been living in separate houses. i don't think that he would have a reason to lie, but i am not sure, we will just have to see. he is so mad at me that i don't beleive him. we are not going to see each other for 2 days, and he took my wedding rings and we are officially considered separated. we are going to talk on friday about a lot of stuff. we are hopefully going to go to conseling, but i'm not sure if he is even willing to work things out. i don't know what to do or say to him anymore. i don't know if anyone knows the answer to this question or not. can you have something on the history of you computer and it not actually have been visited, but rather just a virus. that is what he says happened.



Like a little kid he has every reason to lie, If he tells you the truth what does that get him? If he lies you might believe him and that is a 50/50.

draconis


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## rysmomma

well, i think that it may be an ongoing thing. no, we did not split because of porn or infidelity. we just don't get along, so he decided to leave for a little bit to work on things. he thinks that the split will just fix things on there own. he seems to think that he can be gone for a few months and not talk about our problems, then we will get back together and have a perfect relationship. i don't think he realizes that we are going to have to work at this. everytime i come to him with probs. he gets mad. i don't know what to do except wait till friday to see what he has to say. i don't know what is wrong with him, he has never really shown me affection. i think that the porn has been a prob for a while. i talk to his mom today about it and she said that his "friends" used to get on there and he would be disgusted by it. but, in reality im sure he was the one on there. he is a momma's boy, so you know she will believe anything he says. well, it bothers me because there were weird stuff on there like, animal, anal, insect, and gay porn. so, i don't know. it is weird to me. i don't understand him at all.


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## MarkTwain

Sorry to echo the last post, but if he has not been getting regular access to sex, SEX will be on his mind, day night and noon. What do you expect? It's when a man does not want sex, that you have to start worrying!


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## dcrim

Anent the history trails -- no, there is no virus that leaves false histories. I'm in the business. He's BS'ing you. OTOH, if it were me, I'd clear my history when I leave the browser. There are ways to recover that information, but it's not generally known to most people. But my GF and I enjoy porn so it's not an issue. She knows I have an extensive collection and frequently watches it with me. Men are visual, women are emotional. Get over the porn issue, it's not the problem. Communication (or the lack thereof) is.


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## Mary-Lou

No men are not visual and women emotional.
Both men and women are visual and emotional and who is more the one or the other got nothing to do with the gender..

I think you husband is completely out of synch to get off of you each time you try to talk matters with him. He jsut escape reality and escape problems by turnign his back on it and expecting it will go over lalalal if you dotn talk of it.
H eis totaly childish an dirresponsible. Mnetion htat to him and remeber to say it too when you will go to marriage counceling,. Tell that he never want you to talk together,a nd that he refuse all communications and simply get mad when you try to have a discussion with him, as a way to bail out of it.
and to scare you away from even tryign to have one.
He doesnt have the rigth to do that to you.
the one of takign his ring off show what an wegoist he is.
He dont even want to make an effort
Ask him if he is still christian at all 
maybe he enjoy beign alone home hwile oyu go to church and watching porno..
I willbe worried if i was you abotu what kind of porno he looks at.
Soemothers here tlak of hard core porn but htey didnt read your psots apparently..
You said animal porn, and gays porn, anal and .. insect?
I never heard about insect porn must be new, but the other ones simply show that he is havign very perverted taste of porno and sex.
Animal and gay porn and anal..
is your husband getting gay?
ask him this directly.
and did you and him had anal sex together?
how is your sex life, maybe not now since oyu are separated but before it became real bad.
You said he didt show you care ever before. He could be gay.
on myspace do you know if he is in contact with a man there?.

he dont want to talk with you about it cause it disturb him to admit the problem, just tell him very fermly that denying th eproblem is not going to make it leave and that its not because you mention it that it exist but because it exist that oyu mention it!
So he better take the bull by the horm stop acting like a sissy, and do something rational about it all.
Ask him why he watch gay porn and anal and animal sex.
Any man interested in porn will not watch gay sex and animal sex.
Thats 2 different things.
Most straigth men will feel turned off by watching men having sex.
He says he is christian and straight and he light it up by watching men together and animal sex?
Cant you see something is wrong here..
His mum said he used to watch porn wiht his friends when younger, any idea if he had sex with them too?
He could ahve married you to cover up his real sexual tendencies..
and now its coming up.
I just think he should be ashame ot be so dishonnest to you and so harsh on you instead to ahve told oyu the truth. Here he put you on guilt trips and pressurise you unecessaraly.
Talk with him about it.
if he get real mad abotu him being gay then you knmow its true.. cause when he watch male sex why should the word gay make him explode?
Call out his lies,a nd if e tell you he isnt gay then ask him why he watch men doing it and is so interested in anal sex.
Ask him if its why he dont want to talk "about it".
Tell him too that you have the rigth to know since you have been married to him for over 2 years and you ahve a child together its mportant for oyu to know what went wrong.


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## draconis

Mary-Lou said:


> No men are not visual and women emotional.
> Both men and women are visual and emotional and who is more the one or the other got nothing to do with the gender..


Actually you are wrong here. There is grey matter in the brain (men have more but women have better density) and white matter men have more around the outer brain while women have more between the halves.

These things cause distinct difference between the gender. Women are more emotional because the brain can and does multitask better on average than a man's. Men however can better focus on one task (such as watching things) and get more out of it.

As for not reading the weird stuff he was watching, some straight porn addicts do that because the normal no longer is good enough.

You are right however that there is a communication, boundry and addiction problem here. It is also possible that he is gay.

draconis


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## draconis

mel58109 said:


> Ok, I know what you guys say about the porn thing. However, I don't think you understand how it absolutely EATS us up inside! If my husband is left alone for five seconds, he's watching porn. I have suggested watching together; I look good; I have done "naughty" things for/with him all that jazz. The porn thing just makes me feel so...I don't know: sick, angry, ashamed, depressed... I have taken to purposely "forgetting" something and having to return home unexpectedly. I think maybe it p*sses me off that he thinks he's fooling me. I don't know if you guys realize it, but it just makes some (most?) women feel *totally* worthless
> 
> We also have two teenaged daughters. How can a father reconcile that? Those girls are someone's teenaged daughters. Is that what he wants his daughters to be like? Is that the ultimate female?


Some do.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relationships-addiction/2004-evils-porn-thesis.html

draconis


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## mel58109

I just thought of something funny...you know how men complain that they can't read our minds? Evidently my husband can, he was at the porn again and I was just thinking that he should go f*** himself! LOL


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## Blanca

Mel~

I just read some of your other posts. sounds like your relationship is pretty tough, and maybe a bit confusing.


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## Blanca

This is the place to unload! So unload away...get it off your chest. I bet after 18 years of this you have a few things to say. 
I dont know how you did it. Did you stay for the kids? Do you think you'll leave when they are out of the house? 

I know the porn hurts. My H is a porn addict. I dont know why it does either. I was an extremely liberal girl, or so i thought. I thought, that's just how guys are. so i get the confusion.

What is it that you love about your H?


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## Blanca

mel58109 said:


> Looking back it's pretty sad. But would they have been better off with no dad? Who knows?


That is a hard question. But you never know what may come of it. I grew up in a really abusive home. I didnt just see it, i felt it. It was really hard and i had some serious growing pains, but im OK now and as warped as it sounds, i wouldnt change my experience. So to a point you've contributed to their problems, but i truly believe it is up to each person to make of it what they will. 

But what about you? Arent you lonely with him?


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## Honey

mel58109 said:


> I just thought of something funny...you know how men complain that they can't read our minds? Evidently my husband can, he was at the porn again and I was just thinking that he should go f*** himself! LOL


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## Blanca

mel58109 said:


> Maybe the whole porn thing was an attempt to diffuse the emotions he was bottling up? Is that part of the reason men do that?


I think it is. My H has a horrible temper and gets angry out of no where. He's gotten physical with me a couple of times. I read a lot about why they look at porn, or at least why they're addicted to it, and from what I read it is linked to the anger. Just like drugs or alcohol, it makes them feel good and helps them repress how they feel so they never actually deal with it. They become emotionally inept, just like alcoholics and drug users. I'm sure your H doesn't understand why he blows up anymore then you do. My sisters husband also looked at porn and she said when he stopped, his temper dropped. He stopped getting angry at the kids and aggressive with them.


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## kalina

ljtseng said:


> I think it is. My H has a horrible temper and gets angry out of no where. He's gotten physical with me a couple of times. I read a lot about why they look at porn, or at least why they're addicted to it, and from what I read it is linked to the anger. Just like drugs or alcohol, it makes them feel good and helps them repress how they feel so they never actually deal with it. They become emotionally inept, just like alcoholics and drug users. I'm sure your H doesn't understand why he blows up anymore then you do. My sisters husband also looked at porn and she said when he stopped, his temper dropped. He stopped getting angry at the kids and aggressive with them.


Sounds like someone I know..well the temper part. There is NO excuse for a man to become PHYSICALLY abusive. I'm sorry but using the excuse that porn makes a person aggressive it just insane. If a person is abusive it because they JUST ARE. Regardless if it is from alcohol, drugs, or whatever, it's an excuse to "blame" the abuse on something. Once a man hits you, he will always hit you regardless of the reason. You can try to rationalize it all you want, but the fact is he's a physical abuser and there is NO excuse for it, period. How can you say that the man has no idea why he does it...it's quite simple, he has issues and he is taking it out on someone. He gets angry and does not know how to redirect the anger and thus he uses his "power" to beat you to some how make himself feel better.:scratchhead: I don't get it..why would anyone want to try to understand why a man is physically abusing you? I know my situation is crappy at best right now, but my husband has never put his hands on me now matter how bad his temper may get. He can huff and puff all day long, but to physically abuse me, would not be tolerated.
Kalina


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## Blanca

kalina said:


> There is NO excuse for a man to become PHYSICALLY abusive....Once a man hits you, he will always hit you regardless of the reason.


Just to clear up the record, so this doesn't go in a different direction, when i said he had gotten 'physical' i did not mean physically abusive, or that he hits me. I consider a man even showing his temper in an aggressive manner (throwing things, posturing, etc) as getting "physical." So i was using it in a fairly liberal manner.


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## kalina

ljtseng said:


> Just to clear up the record, so this doesn't go in a different direction, when i said he had gotten 'physical' i did not mean physically abusive, or that he hits me. I consider a man even showing his temper in an aggressive manner (throwing things, posturing, etc) as getting "physical." So i was using it in a fairly liberal manner.


Whew, that's good because I thought you meant he was hitting you. I did some thinking though about what I wrote in my previous post. I said that I would never stay with a man that hit me, but I cannot say that for sure because I've been with a man that has anger management issues so I cannot judge how I would react. My gut tells me I would leave but until one walks in those shoes does one really know what they would do. I'm just thankful my husband hasn't done that to me. If I had to take the lesser of two evils I would take his getting huff and pissy over hitting any day...of course.
Kalina


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## Blanca

kalina said:


> I did some thinking though about what I wrote in my previous post. I said that I would never stay with a man that hit me, but I cannot say that for sure because I've been with a man that has anger management issues so I cannot judge how I would react. My gut tells me I would leave but until one walks in those shoes does one really know what they would do.


Ya i know what you mean. Before i met my H i could walk away from any relationship with no problem. I never put up with anything. and i never thought i would. i dont know what changes so that all of a sudden we're putting up with stuff we swore we never would.


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## MsDani

my husband and i separated onver the summer too and he took my ring whats with that. anyways he loks at porn all the time and i tell him thats fine as long as its just movies and not on the computer cause it causes viruses and in the past i caught him looking at woman in our local town and i said that is NOT OK. i dont want to think that the girl at the gas station was the one he jerked off to last night. but everytime i talk to him about it he just says look ive told you im going to look at porn whether you like it or not so get over it i can look at ewhatever i want----be lucky ur nopt in my shoes


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## American Arrogance

I odnt understand what the issue is? Is it free porn or is he paying for it? If its free, then let him have his fun. If its cutting into your finances then yea its a problem. What kind of porn is he looking at? Is he coming to you and asking you to do some crazy off the wall stuff you wouldnt normally do? 

I watch alot of porn, I get upset that my hubby doesnt watch any...well at least not when Im around lol (inside joke to those who know of my story).

Is it just becuase you are "Christian" that its a problem?


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## Loving Husband

Mel.. LOL :rofl:

I don't think porn is the problem either. Men do masturbate more and it is a release. We build up faster then women. Now I have an extensive collection of porn and my wife watches it with me. She has her own fetishes and I work with her on them. To me anything is a go between a couple if both are open to it. If one couple doesn't like anal sex but another does they are both ok with it. The problem becomes when one doesn't like something the other wants. So if she was ok with watching porn then it wouldn't be an issue. You also can't use porn to replace your spouse. it's ok if you need that fix but the day it overtakes your spouse then its a problem. That means something else is in front of your spouse. I would personaly NEVER choose porn of her. It doesn't sound like he is. This just seems like him needing some version of sex.. Better then him cheating. I would drop it..


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