# Reconciling with Self



## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Hello,

Last time I was on TAM was when I posted an update a little over two years ago.

And... I'm back. Not by my choice - but because I am now constantly seeing red flags everywhere and I'm wondering if it's ever possible for me to be 100% reconciled with self or at least close to it?

Last summer, my DH accepted a job offer in Texas. He had wanted me to stay and continue to work while he got situated in the new place. I said, "Hell no!" and gave my work a notice that I was leaving because I wanted a start with DH and to be able to truly be alone with him. A month later, we moved and we've been here since.

A few months ago he quit his job for an another job offer that was just about 10 minutes further than we are now.

Here's the interesting thing... Whenever he needed something, he would use my phone, I was fine with it. 

So when I picked up his phone while we were on the way to a place so I could check something on the internet (due to my phone being dead) a huge flag went up in my mind when he got angry with me and lectured me for not trusting him 100%. 

It happened last September, I decided to investigate just a little further. I found out that when we were being intimate and doing other things instead of PIV, he would look at p0rn sites on his fvcking phone. I asked him to put his phone away during. He did that but unfortunately has started again when he changed jobs recently.

I also started checking his emails once in a while to make sure there weren't anything going on along with his messages. 

Nothing. His texts to the roommate is still even and measured. So, there's no longer things happening with her since we are out of state and she's planning on moving to another apartment so we can sell the house (thank god).

He has also started playing online poker sites and refuses to do things with me if he has a game. The kicker? Several of his current co-workers are playing with him, including a lady co-worker that is ALWAYS in the same online poker tournaments as he is. She also went to a workshop that I had registered for that my husband & I were going to. She kept passing written notes to him and when I would try to glance over, he would be sitting there with HER notes folded. I called him on it and he said that it was work-confidential.

Fine. I can deal with that but not his actions. That was a couple of weeks ago. I also found out that she has a boyfriend so that was yet another red flag going up for me because he was the one who told me all that information that should have not been shared in a professional setting.

I began doing a 180 because I couldn't handle it all emotionally (the phone, the job changes, etc.) so I began attending a gym and getting things in order for myself. 

I started going out more and just doing things for myself such as going to a bookstore & crafts store so I could do my hobbies. At first, DH was happy that I was finally going out and doing things. Now, he gets upset when I mention that I will be doing X, Y, Z and he asks me to wait on doing X, Y, Z so he can go with me. That also included the gym. He also lectures me for not having a job yet yet he wants me to do more than what I was doing before & not just being a SAHW.

So, how do I do all this while not having a fvcking voice in my head murmuring about EAs? Do I even EVER get over the one from two years ago?

Yet, I can't help but feel like there's something more to this. I still can't even get over the p0rn sites that I saw on his phone history and that was last September!

I have no support system *at all* here in Texas. I haven't spoken to my sisters in over a month. My mother is entering her own midlife crisis, dressing younger and going out to concerts with my twin who is also living on their money (including my pregnant older sister who is married yet staying with parents while husband is living on base in the neighboring state). The only person that's sane and that's my dad and he just had a double bypass two months ago.

Am I finally going nutters?

Can I even have close to 100% trust again?



I am so sorry if this post sounded disjointed. I can't even type it all out coherently and constantly am wondering if I am going nutters or if all the progress that was made in the last two or three years were just things that my husband felt like it was his duty to do?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would suggest getting your life in order, finding a job, and not be reliant on him in any way. Personally, I think he is the one chasing you now. He is unsure of your commitment to him, so he may have stop his questionable activities and is now focused on you. He is jealous, insecure.

At first, he felt safe, you were a sure thing, and he may be exploring options. Just a guess anyways. He somewhat neglected you, and now he is showing mate guarding behavior.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Regina007

I am not familiar with your story and really have no advice, but I can share some of my thoughts for whatever it's worth. Based on your post I would say you need full transparency, no work secrets. Your husband saying its work confidential and already having an EA or PA(?) is not transparency. If this bothers you your husband should recognize this and show the notes to put you at ease. As for his phone he needs to have no qualms about you looking at it for any reason. His actions have caused you to not trust him and he can earn trust by being transparent but he isn't. The only privacy should be the bathroom in a marriage, everything else should be shared. Just my opinion. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need a husband that is fully functional. Yours isn't. Is he under warranty?:scratchhead:

He needs to sort himself out. And fast.


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I would suggest getting your life in order, finding a job, and not be reliant on him in any way. Personally, I think he is the one chasing you now. He is unsure of your commitment to him, so he may have stop his questionable activities and is now focused on you. He is jealous, insecure.
> 
> At first, he felt safe, you were a sure thing, and he may be exploring options. Just a guess anyways. He somewhat neglected you, and now he is showing mate guarding behavior.


I'm already on the way of finding a job - I already had interviews but it's not going well so I'm trying to work on the side while looking. I've already saved quite a sizeable sum since two years ago.

I don't understand where you went to the conclusion of mate guarding behavior? Is it like, "I have dibs on her, no touch!" kind of thing? Would it also include increased sex acts in the bedroom? I googled the term but most results are about primates such as apes and chimpanzees...



drifting on said:


> Regina007
> 
> I am not familiar with your story and really have no advice, but I can share some of my thoughts for whatever it's worth. Based on your post I would say you need full transparency, no work secrets. Your husband saying its work confidential and already having an EA or PA(?) is not transparency. If this bothers you your husband should recognize this and show the notes to put you at ease. As for his phone he needs to have no qualms about you looking at it for any reason. His actions have caused you to not trust him and he can earn trust by being transparent but he isn't. The only privacy should be the bathroom in a marriage, everything else should be shared. Just my opinion. Best of luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He was the one who had an EA two years ago that was mostly one-sided on his side. It didn't progress to a PA. 

I agree about full transparency. If he thinks I have done something, he can always ask and I will be honest with him even if it hurts. 

FWIW, I've caught him in several non-serious lies unrelated to this issue and called him on those. It just shows that I have to stay on my toes. 



MattMatt said:


> You need a husband that is fully functional. Yours isn't. Is he under warranty?:scratchhead:
> 
> He needs to sort himself out. And fast.


No one is under warranty. I wish it was because I'd trade in my broken ears so I could hear for the first time. But then, such is life.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

Is it even possible to trust 100% someone who has betrayed you?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BrutalHonesty said:


> Is it even possible to trust 100% someone who has betrayed you?


Yes, but I'll be honest and say the WS has to work very hard to earn that trust back. It is an uphill battle and the BS has to also work hard to get to the point of being able to trust again. So it can happen if the two spouses have the same goal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BrutalHonesty said:


> Is it even possible to trust 100% someone who has betrayed you?


Some people do but my guess is they are in the minority -- especially with 100% trust. That's, IMO, a huge risk. 

I was considerably less surprised the second time my ex-husband cheated (with the same OW) and that was because at that point I knew what he was capable of. 

You obviously take a chance when you R with a cheater and few of us forget that going forward.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Some people do but my guess is they are in the minority -- especially with 100% trust. That's, IMO, a huge risk.
> 
> I was considerably less surprised the second time my ex-husband cheated (with the same OW) and that was because at that point I knew what he was capable of.
> 
> You obviously take a chance when you R with a cheater and few of us forget that going forward.



Openminded

I couldn't agree more with this post. Trusting my WW 100% is gone, at best I believe it could hit about 90% at best. As you said it's now knowing what they are capable of, even though I do believe people can change, I find it hard to hold my heart in my hands extended out to my WW. Although we are reconciling my WW has seen how destroyed I am. Infidelity and her actions destroyed her too, so together we try to improve ourselves and support each other as best we can. But it is difficult and up to this point my WW has held strong when I needed to lean on her. I believe we can make it and one day find peace and happiness both in ourselves individually and as a married couple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regina007 (Feb 24, 2012)

Thank you all for your feedback. I suspected as much that it will never be 100% like it used to be when we first married. Your comments have confirmed that suspicion.

I do hope that in time, we will be back to 100% but for now, it's a thought that's hard to wrap my mind around. Triggers isn't as easy to put past either. 

I am truly hoping that DH will walk the talk that he has been doing recently since he had to stop going to IC when we moved. He said he would like to start again - we have to put a plan of action in place so that we know when we can expect these to occur instead of having things be up in limbo like they are right now.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Regina007

My IC and MC have me doing vulnerability to improve the trust between me and my WW. I'll tell you I thought they were crazy but the truth is they were right. It has brought us closer and as a result I feel more safe with her. It's difficult to say the least to tell your WW your fears and emotions but her response is what's so critical. My WW has been more vulnerable as well which eases my fears. Can I get a hundred percent trust? I don't know if I could give that to my WW or somebody new, since being burned I tend to believe that fully trusting is not healthy. But I know I can get close to that and still find happiness. It's in all of our own hearts how much to trust to find happiness, I hope you find yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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