# Need Help to Move Fwd...



## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi All,

This is an awesome forum with great people to offer support and direction.....really appreciate all the help provided here....

At this point in time Iam really frustrated about my situation (which involves my wife).... To give some background ....

We got married in June of 2009, I was in California and my wife was in New Jersey.......after marriage she moved to california.....she had quit her job before marriage to prepare for wedding ....so post marriage we were in california for 3-4 months and my project ended......putting us both out of workforce....I had some decent savings (however, wedding did suck up some of it).....we took some time off made a trip to India and enjoyed our time (since none of us had to ask for Leave @ work)....

I got back in workforce in Feb 2010 (still working at same place)...Had to move to New Jersey to take up this job.....I thought its a good thing as I found opportunity in NJ...2 ways...1. my wife's family is in NJ ....2. she has worked for 3+ years in central NJ....so she would have good network to get back in workforce....

Fast Fwd till today - Wife has not been able to find a job till today in her field. She is into Pharmacuticals Productions (QA and Lab Tech )...

She did find something in Mid of 2010 - But kept complaining about it every single day she worked there......Naturally the negative loop worked against her and she lost that job in 2 months....

Well, I suggested to utilize this time she has with her....to do what she really always wanted to do ....She wants to be independent.....wants to be her own boss....and she wants to do Masters (does not know which area she wants to do masters in.....she just wants a Masters tag)

I got her started to do get Real Estate licence....so that she can be her own boss ......she was interested in this area too....so....she can be her own boss.....do as much time allows for her......and would be helpful financially to finance her Masters she wants to do......well she quit after taking pre req. 75hrs classes......never to around taking licence.....

Now, since its been 2+ years she is out of workforce.....and its hard for her even to get an interview at a decent place.....

I'm sure lot of people are in similar situation....I do make decent $ wise....we live in good place ....however even a small income from spouse would really help us save more.....right now we are able to manage all our expenses (including her student loans - I dont have any student loans) and plus save very little amount....

I have brought this up multiple times....by showing actual inflow and outflow #s.....and explained that if she takes up even a job @ pharmacy....we would be able to save enough to even finish off her student loans in 2 years.....but wife does not wanna budge.....she says yes to it.....but I dont see her applying or even showing any interest in getting out and find out openings....

This is my real issue...
...wife wants to do vacations, higher studies, we want to buy house, etc......
....I have put facts and figures in place - to explain....if we wanna achieve certain goals in certain time....this is what finances needs to be - And we can achieve that only if you go out and do some work......
....I have been very supportive and helpful, but I really get frustrated that wife is not stepping up and finding some work....
Iam sure she is frustrated too.....but her actions doesnt show!

Not sure what can I do more......any suggestions on how to make her understand?

Thanks for reading.....I feel a lil better after sharing too....


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

Your wife seems to enjoy not working. What does she do with her time when she is not working?


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## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi...Thanks for reply....

Shez just home....We do not have any kids yet.....so...

being home....she does take care of things @ home....laundry and food.... I help out in cleaning twice a week....and i do help out a lot in kitchen (doing dishes and cooking too as I enjoy cooking)...

well she does keep applying for jobs in her field.....and watch TV I would say!


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## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Any ways I can make her understand and make her go out and get a job???

Again today morning Vacation came up.....and Whenever I say we cannot afford it at this point.......She thinks nothing is going to work out when Iam involved!

Well Iam not saying no to a small vacation where we can set budget and then do it within out budget!!

But she wants to do it All Out Vacation!! - Which clearly I have explained that is not workable for us!!!


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

yumdood said:


> Any ways I can make her understand and make her go out and get a job???
> 
> Again today morning Vacation came up.....and Whenever I say we cannot afford it at this point.......She thinks nothing is going to work out when Iam involved!
> 
> ...


say No to any vacation. Just say No we are staying home, and we can't afford to go anywhere. You can both sleep late, rent some movies, and veg out together without spending money.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Don't let her control you like that.
She has to contribute money to the vacation.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

yumdood said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I'm sure lot of people are in similar situation....I do make decent $ wise....we live in good place ....however even a small income from spouse would really help us save more.....right now we are able to manage all our expenses (including her student loans - I dont have any student loans) and plus save very little amount....
> 
> ...


If the money isn't there to go on vacations and go back to school, then you just can't do it. You really have to live within your means or else its going to be way worse for you all than it is now. I applaud you for keeping things together. Your wife seems to enjoy minimal/no work. When you don't work you can't have certain things. Thats just the reality of it. I say keep doing what you're doing, and when she really gets that desire to go vacation and buy a house, she'll do what she has to do to make it happen.


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## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks much for all your advise and support.

About a month back, we heard about an opening @ a warehouse of convenience store items(near where we stay)....where they need someone to make calls and get orders and schedule deliveries....pretty much desk + Phone + coordination job......pretty decent.....doesnt pay well....

After about a month, Last week, I was able to motivate her to get out to try this one...... My intention right now is .....if she goes out of the house for few hrs a day.....meet new ppl....and exp doing something atleast.....it would help her.....

She went for 2 days......came back home on second day and complained that its a labor job and being a lady I should not force her for this job....also blamed me for her not having jobs for 2 years and.....iam making her do it for $$ ...
..I felt like a stab right in my chest! 

(While her 2 days @ work.....she did like the ppl she worked with....and they are all girls too!)

After this Episode.....I just want to make myself an Integrated Man!!
There are certain things/changes with myself I would like to do to see my wife get back to work....

1. I do think that she might be depressed being out of work for very long. - Not sure with her behavior like this + Me very frustrated, how to put new ideas in front of her that she would atleast consider giving a thought. 

2. I'm reading and rereading + starting with excercies in No More Mr. Nice Guy. - I do see lot of Nice Guy stuff i have been doing WHICH I DEFINITELY NEED TO FIX!

3. I want to set some boundaries for her...
- Find a job, Any Job. You have a month for this. 
How would i tell this in Non Attacking way? - Probably I just fear her reaction to this.

4. I will be doing monthly budget and would discuss finances, progress, etc. once every month. So, she is aware where we stand and where we want to be. 
Do you think this will motivate her?

Any other suggestions ???


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