# I don't get reconciliation...



## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Not knocking any of you that have reconciled with your cheating spouse, but how can you do it? I love my wife and our children with all my heart,but if she cheated even once I would be gone quicker than The Flash. Even the thought of her with another man sends me into a boiling rage, and if I actually caught her in the act it would end like that country song "Momma's in the graveyard, Poppa's in the pen."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Humans are fallible creatures by nature. We also have the ability to be flexible with our thoughts, deeds, and emotions. While it may be easy for you to make the statement that you made, until you are actually faced with that particular situation you don't really know how you will react. You say you love your wife, if she made an error in judgement, and was truly remorseful, could you really turn your back on all the history, all the good moments, the laughter, growth, and companionship that comes with a good relationship?


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## Youngthang (Aug 9, 2012)

P,

I agree with you must not choose, critize or abuse until one has walked a mile in my shoes.

1988 you have gone the pain and I hope you never do.


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## betrayed2012 (Aug 3, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Not knocking any of you that have reconciled with your cheating spouse, but how can you do it? I love my wife and our children with all my heart,but if she cheated even once I would be gone quicker than The Flash. Even the thought of her with another man sends me into a boiling rage, and if I actually caught her in the act it would end like that country song "Momma's in the graveyard, Poppa's in the pen."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



trust me dude. I about 3 weeks ago agreed with u to a T. I always said if my wife screws me over i'd be gone. Then just over 2 weeks ago, I found that my suspicions were true and that she did in fact go visit another guy on at least 3 occasions. they both say it never went as far as sex and idk if i'll ever be able to prove that it did, but Im still here. I feel that my wife is a mess mentally and needs a therapist to be fixed. She is going to a therapist on monday and im still here. Im still in love with her, even tho at times I hate her guts. I still have sex with her even tho the thought of her doing it with another man makes me sick. I can only hope that it didnt go that far and by all accounts it didnt. But then again, she lied to me before so why not lie to save her own ass right? Either way when u have kids and u invest a decade into your relationship and 9 of those years were great and u just bought a house you thought you would retire in, u will think long and hard before saying you would bail that quick. kissing another man is an awful thing to picture in your head when u have been loyal and faithful and loving to ur wife. The question i have for u is why are u on this forum site unless u are a tad concerned with ur marriage? Why would someone who has a good marriage be on this page unless ur looking for possible clues?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> You say you love your wife, if she made an error in judgement, and was truly remorseful, could you really turn your back on all the history, all the good moments, the laughter, growth, and companionship that comes with a good relationship?


Personal opinion, YES it would destroy every moment of memory. From that moment on they would seem fake. 

I also don't like that "error in judgement" expression. I feel it severely downplays the situation. 

"OOOps honey i made an "error in judgement" and ripped your heart out and feed it to the dogs"


I understand the OP perfectly. And most of all, i know myself. There is no way in hell i would put me through the process of reconciliation. I would never waste my time like that.

I'm not big on the forgiveness thing. I actually don't do it. EVER... That goes for friends too. One strike, that's all. I find myself pretty happy in life this way. 

Having said this, i understand people that do R. I know the appeal of that. Each to its own. Whatever makes people happy. For me i know i wouldn't ever be happy again with woman that betrayed me so i would never go that route.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I find it curious that there are people who haven't dealt with infidelity in this part of the forum. Most of the time they are here to tell us what they wouldn't deal with. Curious.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

My thoughts exactly Dawn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I have dealt with infidelity, just not in my current relationship, I actually never even spoke to her again. Poof, I was gone.So I do have a right to an opinion lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So you aren't dealing with it in your current relationship, but you are in the Coping with Infidelity forum? Still quite curious.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Does it matter? I read all the forums on this website.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You don't understand it fine, but at least respect it


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Nope, I always find it interesting at about once a month, someone who isn't dealing with infidelity posts in here about why they wouldn't R LMAO. Seems repetitive. OP -- was your experience with infidelity during a marriage? If not, then yes I can understand why it made more sense to walk away.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Badblood said:


> Dawn, questioning the OP's motives aren't what his thread is about. If you agree with him , say so, if you disagree with him say that too, but all this passive-agressive stuff does , is create bad feeling. He hasn't questioned YOUR motives, has he? I like you, but you are wrong on this. Instead of impuning the motives of new posters, I think it would be a good idea to accept them as they are.


 Much like the feeling created for those in an early stage of R who come in here and see monthly a poster coming in and saying that they could never do it. It may be wrong in your opinion, and you are welcome to it, but nowhere near in mine. BTW, saying I find it curious isn't questioning his motives, it is merely a statement.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

I just know my response to infidelity and could not understand why one would stay with a spouse after a betrayel. I meant no harm in fact that's why the first words of my OP stated I wasn't knocking those who had reconciled. Personally for me, as I am sure it is for many others cheating is taking my heart, throwing it to the ground then stomping all over it. One poster commented about throwing away the good memories. Why should I let it stop me? Obviously those memories didn't mean squat to the cheater. They broke the promises and vows, they have made all the good memories ininconsequential.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> I just know my response to infidelity and could not understand why one would stay with a spouse after a betrayel._Posted via Mobile Device_


Just so you know, statistics don't bear you out. The vast majority of people believe as you do, but the vast majority don't divorce someone for cheating. I'm not saying they _should_ stay, but that's what statistics show.

I think what Dawn was trying to say is that your views aren't particularly unusual or remarkable. And because they are hypothetical, not sure how they apply to those of us who have experienced cheating in marriage. 

But then none of us really knows what we would do in some future hypothetical situation, because what happens is, we imagine things occurring in a particular way, but real life tends to be much, much more complicated than that.

Thanks for visiting.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lalsr1988 said:


> I just know my response to infidelity and could not understand why one would stay with a spouse after a betrayel. I meant no harm in fact that's why the first words of my OP stated I wasn't knocking those who had reconciled. Personally for me, as I am sure it is for many others cheating is taking my heart, throwing it to the ground then stomping all over it. One poster commented about throwing away the good memories. Why should I let it stop me? Obviously those memories didn't mean squat to the cheater. They broke the promises and vows, they have made all the good memories ininconsequential.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Very true. But there are some of us who believe that judging someone only on the worst thing they have done isn't helpful or justified either. People screw up. Most of the time a true reconciliation doesn't happen until each individual comes into their own, becomes a stronger individual, and then still decides that the person their spouse was/is can still be considered a person who can add and bring happiness to that life. Most who don't understand R are simply in the mode of "cut your losses" or the damage was very simply too deep to repair. That is up to each individual case. Neither answer is going to be right or wrong, they are just what happens. Was your experience with infidelity during a marriage OP?? I have rarely seen someone suggest that a couple who are still dating and dealing with infidelity R. I personally consider that a whole different story.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

lalsr1988 said:


> I love my wife and our children with all my heart,but if she cheated even once I would be gone quicker than The Flash.


lalsr,

For many years, this is exactly the sentiment that I internalized as well as verbally expressed to my wife. One problem with this line of reasoning. I never really thought-believed it could be a reality. Remember... we love each other, have 2 kids, a home, a dog, go to church, good jobs... I was in no danger of her cheating, so really that spiel was just talk. 

At 30 years married, I find out she has been a serial cheater for years. Long story short, her genuine remorse, shame, guilt, years of MC, I let her back into my life. Now 3 years in R.

One final comment... After being dragged through the pit of betrayal like infidelity, the survivors that do R come out the other side changed. You never really get over it. It just dulls and the present replaces the past. But you never forget. You know without question there will be no more 2nd chances.

Even to me this seems as a contradiction, but remember you are no longer the same person... changed forever.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so just what is the motivation behind the thread?

do you want to understand R or do you merely wish to state your opinion that you would never do it?

(this is a sincere question and not meant to be defensive or snarky)


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> so just what is the motivation behind the thread?
> 
> do you want to understand R or do you merely wish to state your opinion that you would never do it?
> 
> (this is a sincere question and not meant to be defensive or snarky)


That would be why I find it so curious. Is he worried about something? Is he truly just curious about it? Seems like an odd part of the forum to be on for those not struggling with something. But I can certainly chalk it up to curiosity, I think.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Here we go again!
Fine OP. You've made your mind up that you would never forgive and R with the love of your life. Let's just hope you never have to experience the pain of infidelity and all that comes with it.
I wish it had never happened to me and that I didn't have to face the agony of losing the man I have loved for 20 years, but I have had to face it. It's soul destroying. Never ever thought I would be one to forgive such hurt, but, never say never.
Nobody knows what they would do until they are faced with infidelity.
We can all say we would do this or not do that but it really isn't that simple.
I have chosen to R. I love my H. Is it easy? God no. My heart still breaks with every trigger, every bad dream, but his infidelity has given us the opportunity to renew, to start again, to prioritise, to put our marriage first. 
The hurt would still be there even if I hadn't chosen R. It's just hurts less with him by my side.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Children.

It changes everything


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> so just what is the motivation behind the thread?
> 
> do you want to understand R or do you merely wish to state your opinion that you would never do it?
> 
> (this is a sincere question and not meant to be defensive or snarky)


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I also think that a lot of this issue depends on the mindset of the BS. We have seen some posters who will opt for R, in the face of almost insurmountable difficulties, because they are defined, or define themselves by their marriage. In a lot of situations, what is perceive as determination, is in fact desperation. They stay in a bad marriage with a cheater, because they can't imagine anything else.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

And sometimes we stay because the marriage isn't and wasn't really that bad!
Difficult to understand I know. But not all marriages affected by infidelity are always bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

OP -- if you are looking for the "logic" behind it all, I think you will be disappointed. Reconciliation or not isn't a purely logical stream of events that you can say well X happened so Y and Z are coming now. It all depends on the people involved.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I think that whilst I understand the no forgiveness thinking, for me it disregards the fact that people are fallible. People make errors in decisions and judgements and for me it really is a case of judging each case individually.

For example, my husband had an EA with someone he met at work. He never set out to be unfaithful. He simply consistently overstepped boundaries bit by bit because he didn't have them to implement. He didn't have the foresight to think about how the OW would interpret a number of situations differently to him.

Do I like it? No. But I feel he is truly sorry and has shown how he has put in place personal boundaries to ensure he does not make the same mistakes.

Would I like to be judged to be the sum of my mistakes? No. I'm not defending him, I just understand in our situation HOW it happened. There is a whole lot more to our relationship than what happened.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I find it curious that there are people who haven't dealt with infidelity in this part of the forum. Most of the time they are here to tell us what they wouldn't deal with. Curious.


What makes you think i didn't deal with it? Unfortunately for several people very close to me it came knocking at my door. Just because it has not happened to me personally don't presume i haven't got experience with it. In fact, my attitude towards cheating is derived from the fact that i could see, first hand, what it does to people.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> What makes you think i didn't deal with it? Unfortunately for several people very close to me it came knocking at my door. Just because it has not happened to me personally don't presume i haven't got experience with it. In fact, my attitude towards cheating is derived from the fact that i could see, first hand, what it does to people.


Was actually referring to the OP costa, have not a clue about your story LMAO


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

As I states before, I have been cheated on in a previous relationship. An engagement. I left without another word. No it wasn't marriage but we had been together for a long while. Children do change everything, true. My point in the OP was a mixture of curiosity bc I have been through it, and I personally would not/will deal with it any other way. One poster said the pain is easier to deal with bc their spouse is next to them. I admire her strength and I could feel her pain in her words, but isn't that like being stabbed by someone, then wanting them next to you while you recover? Again these are my personal views, but I can hold a grudge for years if the offense was truly harsh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> What makes you think i didn't deal with it? Unfortunately for several people very close to me it came knocking at my door. Just because it has not happened to me personally don't presume i haven't got experience with it. In fact, my attitude towards cheating is derived from the fact that i could see, first hand, what it does to people.


I do think I would still point out that watching it happen to someone else and having it happen to you are two separate things. I watched it happen with my best friend, worked with her all the way through it, and it was still ions different from dealing with it in my own marriage.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Not knocking any of you that have reconciled with your cheating spouse, but how can you do it?_Posted via Mobile Device_


It's easy to say what you would do if....but under pressure has changed many a mind.

There are many models and actresses that are super hot. Most guy's can't even get to have a 15 minute conversation with one let alone a date. Then forget the 3rd date and getting lucky. So for many man it's easy for a guy to stay faithful. Now if one of those Elite looking women went after us mere mortals and worked us slowly as a POSOM predator does to get our wives. I think many would fall to the temptation then they thought possible.

Ann Landers, google her if you are to young to know her. Through the 1955 until 2002 at her death. She gave a wide range of great advice as was a moral compass for young and old.

When Ann asked how to deal with an affair she stated are you have to ask yourself are you better of with her/him or without her/him. Then follow your answer. Ann did not mean stay with a serial cheater or put up with continued abuse.

So the BS has decide what is best for them what they need and want. They have to consider many things besides are there just kids. To forgive is a choice. Many WS can learn to be faithful again and the marriage can be made better post affair.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

OP there's a thread currently on the same page called "reconciliation..." that you should click that perhaps could satisfy your curiosity


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lalsr1988 said:


> As I states before, I have been cheated on in a previous relationship. An engagement. I left without another word. No it wasn't marriage but we had been together for a long while. Children do change everything, true. My point in the OP was a mixture of curiosity bc I have been through it, and I personally would not/will deal with it any other way. One poster said the pain is easier to deal with bc their spouse is next to them. I admire her strength and I could feel her pain in her words, but isn't that like being stabbed by someone, then wanting them next to you while you recover? Again these are my personal views, but I can hold a grudge for years if the offense was truly harsh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


An engagement is the time to walk away when those things happen. But when you are sitting there tossing around your marriage, children, and everything that has been built during a marriage that can come crashing down due to infidelity, it isn't always as easy as just walking away. Even those who do not R are going through the divorce process, custody of children, finances. it isn't as simple.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> And sometimes we stay because the marriage isn't and wasn't really that bad!
> Difficult to understand I know. But not all marriages affected by infidelity are always bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well yes, sometimes being married to a cheater is better than getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick, but don't you deserve better? I do. This seems to me to be a self-esteem issue. Settle for a marriage that isn't "too bad"?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> An engagement is the time to walk away when those things happen. But when you are sitting there tossing around your marriage, children, and everything that has been built during a marriage that can come crashing down due to infidelity, it isn't always as easy as just walking away. Even those who do not R are going through the divorce process, custody of children, finances. it isn't as simple.


It isn't simple, and it sure isn't fun!!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Badblood said:


> It isn't simple, and it sure isn't fun!!


You must not have Judge Judy LMAO :rofl:


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Well yes, sometimes being married to a cheater is better than getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick, but don't you deserve better? I do. This seems to me to be a self-esteem issue. Settle for a marriage that isn't "too bad"?


No one should settle!!!! EVER! Both parties must be willing to identify the problems and honestly face them. Anything that cannot be resolved should not be rug-swept just for the sake of the marriage. It will only rear its ugly head down the road.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> You must not have Judge Judy LMAO :rofl:


Actually the Judge looked like " a cross between Grandpa Walton and Al Sharpton". Creepy as f**k?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Badblood said:


> Actually the Judge looked like " a cross between Grandpa Walton and Al Sharpton". Creepy as f**k?


yeah that would have me creeped out too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OP, is it really so hard to just know that people do not all think the way you do? And that many who did think like you before it happened to them, when faced with the reality of it to themselves, changed their way of thinking?

I don't get people who don't GET that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife's oldest friend cheated on her husband, left him, married the other guy, lived with him for years then left him and moved back with the first ex. I doubt they will stay together let alone get remarried but I think it's a comfort. The comfort of two people who know how it all fits together now. It's familiar.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> And sometimes we stay because the marriage isn't and wasn't really that bad!
> Difficult to understand I know. But not all marriages affected by infidelity are always bad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But on the other side, as myself, may have been able to stay and work through the cheating, but the cheating just brought to a head all the problems that were there before and during the A, (emotional abuse), and knowing that the disrespect for you from your spouse is and has been there for over half your marriage. It wasn't just an "oops" to recover from. 

Sorry,, a little off topic.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I do think I would still point out that watching it happen to someone else and having it happen to you are two separate things. I watched it happen with my best friend, worked with her all the way through it, and it was still ions different from dealing with it in my own marriage.


I don't know, but maybe i'm traumatized by proxy... There is no way in hell i would be putting myself there after what i saw!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> Just so you know, statistics don't bear you out. The vast majority of people believe as you do, but the vast majority don't divorce someone for cheating. I'm not saying they _should_ stay, but that's what statistics show.


We can't trust stats on this because in so many places D because of cheating is no longer a filing reason, and in places where cheating is a legal reason for D, many people don't pursue the A as the reason since it is harder to prove.

The bottom line is we don't really know. 

Certainly there are those who immediately D and there are those that try to R.

Both in my opinion are valid responses to cheating - it entirely depends upon the BS's values and choices.

I've never thought badly about someone who caught their spouse cheating and then immediately D. In fact I've respected them for knowing their boundaries and for having the courage to follow their gut.

That said, I also do not judge people who try to R. IF they can make it work - ok, good for them.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Well yes, sometimes being married to a cheater is better than getting poked in the eye with a sharp stick, but don't you deserve better? I do. This seems to me to be a self-esteem issue. Settle for a marriage that isn't "too bad"?


Yes I probably do deserve better. But settling for a 'not too bad' marriage isn't what I've done, maybe I didn't choose my words carefully enough.
I haven't settled for anything. H and I were seperated for 3 months and during this time I learnt a lot about myself, particularly that I didn't need anyone and I could take care of my kids and myself just fine. I was suorised how strong I actually was. I chose to R because I forgave my H and wanted to stay married to him because for 18 years he was a good, faithful and loving H. I love him and that's the bottom line, so I chose to forgive and we are both rebuilding one step at a time.

I understand it's not for everyone. That's fine. We have to do what we think is best for our individual situations. Im glad I made the choice I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> OP, is it really so hard to just know that people do not all think the way you do? And that many who did think like you before it happened to them, when faced with the reality of it to themselves, changed their way of thinking?
> 
> I don't get people who don't GET that.



No need to get fiesty. I know we all do not think alike. I just wanted to see reasons for the differences in thought. Is that so wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> I don't know, but maybe i'm traumatized by proxy... There is no way in hell i would be putting myself there after what i saw!


ha! Even for two people who were as close as we were and similar personalities, we had completely bass ackwards R's. I said the same exact thing, along with years of testimony that I would NEVER stay with someone who cheated on me. That is the great thing about life, we all have a chance to grow into more experienced people. We don't all grow in the same direction, but growth is growth


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lalsr1988 said:


> No need to get fiesty. I know we all do not think alike. I just wanted to see reasons for the differences in thought. Is that so wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It isn't wrong OP, but it truly is just simply CURIOUS. there is that word again. Not said in any mean undertones, but mostly those who come in with CWI are dealing with it, worried that they are going to be, or have been seeing it around them. Thats why I say, its simply curious LOL


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lalsr1988 said:


> No need to get fiesty. I know we all do not think alike. I just wanted to see reasons for the differences in thought. Is that so wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just get really really tired of people coming into CWI and expressing their incredulity that anyone would reconcile with a cheater. It happens over and over and over, and those of us who have been here for a little while are kind of sick of it.

Did you go and read the thread that AR pointed you to? This one?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html#post965200


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> We can't trust stats on this because in so many places D because of cheating is no longer a filing reason, and in places where cheating is a legal reason for D, many people don't pursue the A as the reason since it is harder to prove.


I think what's challenging about coming up with a statistic (that the majority don't divorce for cheating) is that the true measure is to see if the marriage lasted for the rest of their lives. Not that the marriage was happy to the end--just, did they ever divorce after one of them cheated and the adultery was revealed. And the problem with that, is let's say the marriage lasts another 10 years, but then they still divorce, not over cheating, but basic incompatibility. So you get into the issue of EVENTUAL divorce being proximately caused by cheating--or not. Does THAT divorce "count" as far as the statistics are concerned?

But is it really so hard to believe that most people stay after reading these boards? The norm is not just keeping the cheater, it's DENIAL. Most folks don't even get to the stage of serious contemplation. It frequently takes catching them a SECOND time, or enduring a less-than-optimal marriage for another few years, before the loyal spouse is willing to face the truth.

As I said, just because people don't divorce doesn't mean that they shouldn't. Just because people stay doesn't mean that they should. We're only talking about statistics.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I divorced my first husband who was a cheater, but not because he was a cheater.

Statistics are useful tools, but they are also weapons that some twist and use to say whatever they want them to say. I prefer to stay away from most statistics unless I can see exactly what parameters were used to arrive at them.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

DawnD said:


> ha! Even for two people who were as close as we were and similar personalities, we had completely bass ackwards R's. I said the same exact thing, along with years of testimony that I would NEVER stay with someone who cheated on me. That is the great thing about life, we all have a chance to grow into more experienced people. We don't all grow in the same direction, but growth is growth


I hope i don't have to find out then... Goddammit...


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

> I just get really really tired of people coming into CWI and expressing their incredulity that anyone would reconcile with a cheater.


FWIW, I have a pretty hard-core position on R. It's not that I'm not for it, it's that I think it's pretty rare that both people are on the same page and that the cheater can sustain the hard work to rebuild trust, and the BS can overcome enough to ever feel safe again. IMO, it just doesn't happen that often, over time. It's rare (I say "unicorn." So if not rare, then mythical. I think marriages endure, I do not think they are improved by infidelity.)

That said OP -- I get what people are talking about here. If you haven't experienced it, you don't know.

Before I was cheated on, I thought exactly like you. Deal breaker. I'd never put up with that. 

And then it happened to me and one of the most surprising things to me was how badly (desperately, really) I wanted to R. On the one hand, I knew on day 1, the M was doomed, on the other hand, I had huge amounts of energy to throw at it and try.

That surprised me, and it's not uncommon. But as I spent 1.5 years in R, and my WS continued to cheat (even while he was "doing the work" of being "remorseful" -- giving me passwords, going to counseling, expressing regret, etc.), I saw my reasons for staying were not healthy or sustainable. And I divorced. (To the end, my XWH tried to prevent me from doing that.)

I do get the impulse, and I tried it. And that is probably why I have a jaundiced eye towards it. But that's quite different than expressing an opinion of how you'd deal with it hypothetically. You really have no idea. And I wouldn't wish it upon you. 

You can check out my blog if you're interested in a leave a cheater POV. Chump Lady


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

costa200 said:


> I hope i don't have to find out then... Goddammit...


I hope you don't either Costa. always prefer that no one has to live that life lesson


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chumplady said:


> It's rare (I say "unicorn." So if not rare, then mythical. I think marriages endure, I do not think they are improved by infidelity.)[/url]


many people in the other pointed out that they felt that this statement is wrong and cited themselves an examples and that their marriages have improved but you just dismissed them. Kind of close minded if you ask me.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think I must be seeing the statement from Chumplady differently. I don't believe that marriages are improved by infidelity, but I do believe that the work put into the marriage by the WS and BS can improve a marriage despite infidelity. I thought that was what she was trying to say, but maybe I am reading it wrong?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

chumplady said:


> (To the end, my XWH tried to prevent me from doing that.)


A true narcissist to the end, and if all cheaters were narcissists, I'd 100% agree with your position. But they aren't. And so R is possible with the people who aren't.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I dont think marriages are improved by infidelity either and that is NOT what she is saying (she elaborated in the other thread)

You certainly can could and should improve a marriage without infidelity, it shouldn't have been that option

but she thinks that once infidelity occurs you can almost never make it better, this I disagree with in it's entirety


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Almostrecovered said:


> I dont think marriages are improved by infidelity either and that is NOT what she is saying (she elaborated in the other thread)
> 
> You certainly can could and should improve a marriage without infidelity, it shouldn't have been that option
> 
> but she thinks that once infidelity occurs you can almost never make it better, this I disagree with in it's entirety


Ah okay, gotcha. I was sitting here wondering if being sober actually made me dumber


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I do think that in many and perhaps even most cases, R is doomed. WS's just don't do what they have to, and BS's become pleading puddles of pudding and don't demand accountability. It's rugswept. Then it happens again. I don't call that R, I call that a sad state of affairs.

Reconciliation isn't two people staying together for the kids, or because they both chose to ignore it, or because of financial reasons. Those people are not in R. The term reconciliation is thrown around when it shouldn't be IMO.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

The bottom line is that it's not for everyone. We all have a different thermostat in regards to what we regard as betrayal and what we're willing to forgive. Period.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> The bottom line is that it's not for everyone. We all have a different thermostat in regards to what we regard as betrayal and what we're willing to forgive. Period.


Agreed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

So....I guess because I can be a little horny AND I'm working on recociliation, THAT definitely qualifies me as a unicorn.


How very sad.

I thought I was just an old goat...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Reasons to Reconcile?

I have almost always stated, infidelity is very seldom the problem with the relationship.

It is the outcome or result of the problem with the relationship.

Reconciliation is about deciding if you can address the problem. 

My case?

The outcome of divorce means that EVERYONE is worse off. Me. My ex. My children. It was financial suicide. We have gone from home owners to apartment dwellers ... owning a home isn't even on the horizon for either one of us.

My daughter clings to me and cries every time I have to say goodbye. Every. Time. I left 4 years go. She asks more questions about why mom and dad can't be together now then she could when she was 2.

There was a time when being married, and coming home to my wife and kids was exactly where I wanted to be with my life. I was centered.

But the problems were there. Big problems, but not insurmountable. Infidelity wasn't amongst them.

Things deteriorated, I had an EA and she had a PA.

Infidelity at that point had virtually NOTHING to do with why our marriage stopped working.

And now? In hindsight? Life goes on for all of us. Not the life that either of us planned, or wanted for that matter. You learn. You adjust. You adapt.

Had we applied the learn, adjust, and adapt diligence to recovering our marriage rather than trying to recover our lives as a divorced couple, we could likely have achieved a very different outcome.

Perhaps neither better, nor happier ... but there is no guarantee that either of us would or will be better or happier for having dissolved our marriage.

It's a roll of the dice. There are no guarantees. There is simply what we are willing to work at, or tolerate.

I encourage anyone ... if your marriage can be recovered and the TRUE problems can be reconciled ... then you have eliminated the very thing that creates the circumstances for infidelity in the first place.

We didn't reconcile.

Part of me, both practical and sentimental will always wish that reconciliation were possible.

And for the record, I have known MANY people who claimed a very hard line when it came to ending their marriage due to infidelity. And that hard lined disappeared when the unquestionably harsh realities of what ending their marriage would look like came into play and took an immeasurable toll on all involved.

People choose reconciliation for many reasons. Regardless of what those reasons are, please support their choice and their efforts.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> I have dealt with infidelity, just not in my current relationship, I actually never even spoke to her again. Poof, I was gone.So I do have a right to an opinion lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


was she your wife though??? Big a$$ difference.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> was she your wife though??? Big a$$ difference.


Yeah, my husband told me back in the early days that he knew how I felt because his girlfriend had cheated on him once. They'd been together for 4 months


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Having been cheated on before in my first marriage, I was bound and determined that if this wife cheated on me, I would be gone, no questions asked.

Yet here I am, in R with my fWW for her EA. It was hard enough for me to heal from her giving her heart to another man, how much more if she gave her body to him? I've always said that a PA is my deal breaker...however, I haven't crossed that bridge....not that I would tolerate another if she had one.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, my husband told me back in the early days that he knew how I felt because his girlfriend had cheated on him once. They'd been together for 4 months


No. I dont think so. I truely believe that IF my H had had an EA BEFORE marriage he would have been history but 15 yrs and lots and lots of history changes things. And MY VOWS mean something to me. If I hadnt made any vows- he'd be gone.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Yeah, my husband told me back in the early days that he knew how I felt because his girlfriend had cheated on him once. They'd been together for 4 months


Sounds like another member that used to post here often. 

It's apples and oranges. Can't compare a 4 month relationship to a marriage where years have been invested and/or children involved.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

> Originally Posted by lalsr1988
> I have dealt with infidelity, just not in my current relationship, I actually never even spoke to her again. Poof, I was gone.So I do have a right to an opinion lol





canttrustu said:


> was she your wife though??? Big a$$ difference.


If I think back, about 15 years, I vaguely recall that my husband and I went through this thing called a marriage ceremony, where we vowed lifelong fidelity through good times and bad. And that part of the point of an engagement is so that you can walk away, for whatever reason, because you don't like the way they eat their toast, or maybe they aren't very nice to their dog. 

But it's been a while, so maybe my recollection isn't what it used to be


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> was she your wife though??? Big a$$ difference.


in my case yes, and in my case POOF, be-gone! 

Yes i'll carry the scars of carving someone out of my heart.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Matt1720 said:


> in my case yes, and in my case POOF, be-gone!
> 
> Yes i'll carry the scars of carving someone out of my heart.


And I certainly respect those where its a deal breaker for them. For many, the WS is unremorseful and unrepentant. There is no hope for R in those situations. 

R is not for everyone.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> in my case yes, and in my case POOF, be-gone!
> 
> Yes i'll carry the scars of carving someone out of my heart.


And you are qualified to say what you WOULD do then. OP, hasnt experienced infidelity with a spouse. I content and always will, that its very very different than with a gf or bf or even a fiance' than it is with a spouse. More history, more family, more promises .....just more.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I'm pretty sure most of the people who kick their spouses to the curb don't need to get on these forums for help. They're out the door and life goes on.

The majority who come here are looking for ways to salvage their marriages. You can't generalize everyone on here, some affairs are pretty minor compared to some of the horror stories we see from time to time on this board.

Some will stay for the kids, religion, family, financial, co-dependency, love or whatever reason they can come up with to justify staying together.

Alot of people who reconcile will paint the rosy picture of marriages that come out from hell and is like heaven. I don't believe in this, I believe it's a continual work in progress to get there. There's always rough spots here and there and there's always the heated argument that arises once in a blue moon where the old wounds are cut open and all the blood pours out again.

I feel that part of the R, this needs to come out once in a while because no matter how much you forgive resentment always builds up very slowly over time. People can R and have a better life but it's never all rosy and happily ever after. It's still just like any other marriage where you still have your ups and downs, your arguments but hopefully infidelity is never used again and both parties are better at resolving their issues by talking instead of keeping it inside and then resorting to cheating again.

I don't know how many times over the years my wife has thrown the A in my face in a really heated argument. I know it's said in anger so I take it with a grain of salt but still she did say it. It's forgiven but never forgotten.

One story I have to always recall is struggling4ever, 11 years after d-day he just couldn't do it anymore. After d-day he even stated their marriage turned around 180 and she was the perfect wife, mother, everything. But something inside of him just switched on for whatever reason and he just couldn't do it anymore.

And that is the fear I have most with my wife, because we never know, one day they might wake up and say, WTF I got robbed and I stayed with the damn thief.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

cheatinghubby said:


> And that is the fear I have most with my wife, because we never know, one day they might wake up and say, WTF I got robbed and I stayed with the damn thief.


But that can happen in ANY marriage. For a different reason, but it can and does happen.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Nope, I always find it interesting at about once a month, someone who isn't dealing with infidelity posts in here about why they wouldn't R LMAO. Seems repetitive. OP -- was your experience with infidelity during a marriage? If not, then yes I can understand why it made more sense to walk away.


So do all the stories of R after being cheated on multiple times (repetetive). I mean, how many times???

I think the way the OP does; never R'd after discovering cheating in any relationship, have always walked away. Perhaps that is why I say I'd walk away from the marriage too. Hope I never have to test myself on that, of course!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> So do all the stories of R after being cheated on multiple times (repetetive). I mean, how many times???


Yeah, but there's a big difference between peeking in the window (why the heck are all you peoples trying to reconcile over something that's never happened to me) vs. people seeking help COPING WITH INFIDELITY. I have a whole lot of compassion for someone who is still processing being betrayed by the love of their life.

What most people don't know (or aren't ready to accept) is how very damaged most serial cheaters are. Who wouldn't want to believe that although your spouse is seriously diseased, it's curable? If you love them very much. It takes a while to come to grips with that. Some people have to figure that all out for themselves. For REAL, not on theoretical terms, which I hope we can all agree, aren't worth the paper they're written on


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> No. I dont think so. I truely believe that IF my H had had an EA BEFORE marriage he would have been history but 15 yrs and lots and lots of history changes things. And MY VOWS mean something to me. If I hadnt made any vows- he'd be gone.



No argument,, but didn't he make the same vows?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> No argument,, but didn't he make the same vows?


So sorry Numb. Really. And yes he did. He screwed up for sure. We are trying to fix it. Im hopeful. 

I wish you peace.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

And as I said, it wasn't a negative comment. I apologize. Just a statement, but I have to realize that some people do regret their mistakes, and are willing to change.. As I've heard "If there's enough love, you will make it through"

I am so happy for all that make it. Envious, but happy. 

I let my fingers get ahead of my head...


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

My father cheated on my mother for many years, but they are still together. I always wondered why she stayed. She didn't work, (only has a HS diploma) but instead stayed home to raise 5 of us. I always said I wouldn't stay in a marriage if my husband cheated. Now I find myself in a battle between my words and my feelings. I have 4 children and it's been a year that I found out my husband was having a 4 year-long affair. I still don't know what I'm going to do. One day I'm filing for divorce the next day we are cuddled on the couch. I am an emotional wreck right now and all I know is I need to make some concrete decisions soon. I'm sad that I will never have the life that I thought I would. If I stay, I don't think I will ever fully trust or believe him. So that is why I think I should go...but then there are 4 children involved. Not so easy.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> And as I said, it wasn't a negative comment. I apologize. Just a statement, but I have to realize that some people do regret their mistakes, and are willing to change.. As I've heard "If there's enough love, you will make it through"
> 
> I am so happy for all that make it. Envious, but happy.
> 
> I let my fingers get ahead of my head...


I understand. No apology necessary. I understand your pain, truly. I wish you peace and happiness. Im not sure love is enough-it takes alot more than that so far. I believe he does regret his choices and is trying with all that he is to change and avoid any repeat of this. This is his only shot.

Again, I understand your pain and I wish you nothing but the best.
You deserve and will find better than what youve had.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

momma2four said:


> My father cheated on my mother for many years, but they are still together. I always wondered why she stayed. She didn't work, (only has a HS diploma) but instead stayed home to raise 5 of us. I always said I wouldn't stay in a marriage if my husband cheated. Now I find myself in a battle between my words and my feelings. I have 4 children and it's been a year that I found out my husband was having a 4 year-long affair. I still don't know what I'm going to do. One day I'm filing for divorce the next day we are cuddled on the couch. I am an emotional wreck right now and all I know is I need to make some concrete decisions soon. I'm sad that I will never have the life that I thought I would. If I stay, I don't think I will ever fully trust or believe him. So that is why I think I should go...but then there are 4 children involved. Not so easy.


Nothing about this is easy. Agreed. Is your H still in the A? PA or EA? Sorry if I have just 'missed' your story.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> So do all the stories of R after being cheated on multiple times (repetetive). I mean, how many times???
> 
> I think the way the OP does; never R'd after discovering cheating in any relationship, have always walked away. Perhaps that is why I say I'd walk away from the marriage too. Hope I never have to test myself on that, of course!


This is the Coping with Infidelity section. if you are coping with it ie divorce or reconciliation, then yes post the problems, questions, etc, etc. What I don't get it when anyone posts just to declare their dislike for R even though they have not been in the situation that would require them to make that choice. That would be like me posting in the Going Through Divorce section and telling everyone that I don't understand WHY its even legal to get divorced. Silly, yes? definitely. Then to start assessing their personality and declare since they are divorcing they must be low self-esteem, insecure, in denial,etc, etc. A lot of assumptions and shooting in the dark in a scenario I have not been in.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Nothing about this is easy. Agreed. Is your H still in the A? PA or EA? Sorry if I have just 'missed' your story.


PA with 3 different women. As far as I know he is not having an A anymore with anyone.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> many people in the other pointed out that they felt that this statement is wrong and cited themselves an examples and that their marriages have improved but you just dismissed them. Kind of close minded if you ask me.


AR, you and I both know that the number of marriages that have "improved" long-term (5 + years), after an affair are very few. I can think of Beowulf and one or two others, but that's it. Most of the posters who CLAIM that their marriages are better, are still in the hysterical bonding phase, and simply haven't stood the test of time. Indeed, most of them have had very short periods of R, when the average time-frame for R is between 3 to 5 YEARS , not months. So I feel it is ok to be a bit skeptical about their remarkable recovery stories. I'm all for them, it's true, but will withhold judgement until some time has passed.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> This is the Coping with Infidelity section. if you are coping with it ie divorce or reconciliation, then yes post the problems, questions, etc, etc. What I don't get it when anyone posts just to declare their dislike for R even though they have not been in the situation that would require them to make that choice. That would be like me posting in the Going Through Divorce section and telling everyone that I don't understand WHY its even legal to get divorced. Silly, yes? definitely. Then to start assessing their personality and declare since they are divorcing they must be low self-esteem, insecure, in denial,etc, etc. A lot of assumptions and shooting in the dark in a scenario I have not been in.


Dawn, it's their right to question R, just as it is your right to question their motives. BTW I apologize for my earlier post . You have every right to question the OP. I was just concerned that we would scare him away. BTW, I deleted the sh*tty post.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

momma2four said:


> PA with 3 different women. As far as I know he is not having an A anymore with anyone.


OUCH. I admire your ability to 'hang in there' Im not sure I could. 1 EA is pushing me to my limits. You must be a very strong woman.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Dawn, it's their right to question R, just as it is your right to question their motives.


I think it's one thing to question R in a thread where someone is reconciling. While it might rile up someone to get hard questions from someone who's never experienced cheating, sometimes you need to hear the hard stuff and it isn't always going to come from someone in your exact situation. (Sometimes the people in the exact same situation are so aligned with you that they're going to say what you want to hear.)

But what we're talking about, this many pages in, is questioning reconciliation on a purely hypothetical basis. 

And with that, signing off on this thread (as far as the main topic goes) because I feel like we're talking in circles now.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Badblood said:


> Dawn, it's their right to question R, just as it is your right to question their motives. BTW I apologize for my earlier post . You have every right to question the OP. I was just concerned that we would scare him away. BTW, I deleted the sh*tty post.


Of course it is. Eventually the questioning always leads somewhere interesting LMAO. Wasn't worried about it Badblood, pretty sure you and I have been on here the same long time, you maybe even a little longer than me, back in the days where dinosaurs roamed, and affaircare and tanelornpete were regulars in CWI


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> OUCH. I admire your ability to 'hang in there' Im not sure I could. 1 EA is pushing me to my limits. You must be a very strong woman.


Life has been a living hell tbh. It's why I'm here now. I just can't take it any more. There's no trust and because of that I'm on him like white on rice. Doesn't make it easy for either of us. I don't know if I can do it anymore but at least I can say I tried my best to make things work. 4 kids makes it hard to just up and leave. I give ppl a lot of credit if they can make things work, but like they say it takes two ppl working together to make it work. I have someone that thinks I should be over it...it's been a year.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

momma2four said:


> Life has been a living hell tbh. It's why I'm here now. I just can't take it any more. There's no trust and because of that I'm on him like white on rice. Doesn't make it easy for either of us. I don't know if I can do it anymore but at least I can say I tried my best to make things work. 4 kids makes it hard to just up and leave. I give ppl a lot of credit if they can make things work, but like they say it takes two ppl working together to make it work. I have some that thinks I should be over it...it's been a year.


Momma, there are a lot of people here who R or Divorce. There is no right answer and no one here is going to judge you for the path you take. You need to do what is best for you, and the members of this forum will be here to support you no matter what you decide.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Momma, there are a lot of people here who R or Divorce. There is no right answer and no one here is going to judge you for the path you take. You need to do what is best for you, and the members of this forum will be here to support you no matter what you decide.


Especially since he's telling you to "get over it" - Just read that.
So sorry Momma.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Not knocking any of you that have reconciled with your cheating spouse, but how can you do it? I love my wife and our children with all my heart,but if she cheated even once I would be gone quicker than The Flash. Even the thought of her with another man sends me into a boiling rage, and if I actually caught her in the act it would end like that country song "Momma's in the graveyard, Poppa's in the pen."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sure almost every BS on the forum [who is undergoing R at the moment] might have said the same thing before their spouse's affair.
But some of them are surprised they are acting totally in the opposite direction of what they had thought.

Never say never.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

momma2four said:


> Life has been a living hell tbh. It's why I'm here now. I just can't take it any more. There's no trust and because of that I'm on him like white on rice. Doesn't make it easy for either of us. I don't know if I can do it anymore but at least I can say I tried my best to make things work. 4 kids makes it hard to just up and leave. I give ppl a lot of credit if they can make things work, but like they say it takes two ppl working together to make it work. I have some that thinks I should be over it...it's been a year.


Momma, I am a WS in R. You are right, it takes TWO people working to make it work. If I ever told my BS that he should get over it, he'd leave. But, I would never tell him that. I take full responsibility for my choices and for the pain I have caused. Your H does not seem to care. I am so sorry.


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## Pinballtim (Jul 16, 2012)

I can understand what 1988 is saying. Unfortunately I have dealt with this subject and it can suck the life right out of you.

The worst fallout of it is the children and their feelings. 

I forgave my wife and got past her "Mistake" rather quickly due to other personal and professional circumstances but my Son has not.

It is ****ty to see how he acts when she comes around and I guess everybody deals with problems differently. I have trouble seeing him and that hollow look of resentment he gets.It is not affecting his studies or his job performance YET but it may come in time and that worries me.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Viz: a poster not having experienced what he/she is talking about, and hence, lacking the insight / moral right to post here *(this seems to have been indicated (I presume) by many posters here).
> 
> Yes. All experiences cannot be vicariously understood. There might be experiences that one has to go through oneself, in order to fathom.
> 
> ...


No one needs a moral right to post on this section of the forum. But it does raise questions as to why so many posters have come in to post their lack of support for anyone who is or is trying to reconcile after they have been trying to actually cope with infidelity. Several reasons for it really. I have to wonder if the OP was worried about infidelity in his relationship and felt drawn to post in this forum, or if he has been watching friends/family go through it right now, and if he is just here to "see" what people think. None of those are wrong, but even with the situation you posed above, yes you will be scarred from what you saw, but it is in no way going to prepare you for dealing with infidelity in YOUR relationship. Most people know what the fall out and ramifications can be before ever seeing it, but it doesn't come full circle until you are actually sitting there dealing with it. Thats my opinion at least LOL.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> This is the Coping with Infidelity section. if you are coping with it ie divorce or reconciliation, then yes post the problems, questions, etc, etc. What I don't get it when anyone posts just to declare their dislike for R even though they have not been in the situation that would require them to make that choice. That would be like me posting in the Going Through Divorce section and telling everyone that I don't understand WHY its even legal to get divorced. Silly, yes? definitely.* Then to start assessing their personality and declare since they are divorcing they must be low self-esteem, insecure, in denial,etc, etc.* A lot of assumptions and shooting in the dark in a scenario I have not been in.


Well, I try not to do that; truly. I'm sure many say that if they didn't stand for cheating outside marriage and walked away from those relationships, there's probably no way in hell they'd be able to accept it after marriage. I'm not saying I'd 100% get up and walk away, but I know darned well that it would eat me up inside like a cancer if I stayed to reconcile. I know myself. I also came close to walking away for much lesser offences (that still drive me nuts when I think of them). So to stick it out with a cheater? No thanks. To each their own.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

My 2 cents on this...

I remember once, before I had kids, I was in Wallmart and some kid was throwing a HUGE fit, screaming, crying and making a big scene. I remember saying "when I have kids they will NEVER do that!", and I meant it, I still remember myself saying it and it was roughlly 25 years ago.

Well, I had 3 kids at one time throwing a fit in Wallmart once and ate those words for breakfast, lunch and dinner 

I always love the friends who would give advice about raising kids though they didn't have any. 

I think that looking at things from the outside is much easier than experiencing them from the inside. 

I also said the same thing to my wife; "If you ever cheated on me, that would be it, I'm gone". I rememeber feeling anger when I thought about it.

It's also easy to be cold and matter of fact when there are no immediate emotions involved, oh say like LOVE.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> Well, I try not to do that; truly. I'm sure many say that if they didn't stand for cheating outside marriage and walked away from those relationships, there's probably no way in hell they'd be able to accept it after marriage. I'm not saying I'd 100% get up and walk away, but I know darned well that it would eat me up inside like a cancer if I stayed to reconcile. I know myself. I also came close to walking away for much lesser offences (that still drive me nuts when I think of them). So to stick it out with a cheater? No thanks. To each their own.


 Exactly. To each their own. And no one here would blame you or judge you for walking away. All the judgement seems to be for the ones who choose to stay, which is shocking. 

I have actually met quite a few who have sworn that they would never stand for it in any relationship, got married, their SO cheated, and they are still together. I am one of them even lol. Just like people who swear that they would take charge and save the day in some of these horrible situations that arise ( shootings, etc) you don't know until you are in it. And most of the time everyone ends up surprised.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

betrayed1 said:


> My 2 cents on this...
> 
> I remember once, before I had kids, I was in Wallmart and some kid was throwing a HUGE fit, screaming, crying and making a big scene. I remember saying "when I have kids they will NEVER do that!", and I meant it, I still remember myself saying it and it was roughlly 25 years ago.
> 
> Well, I had 3 kids at one time throwing a fit in Wallmart once and ate those words for breakfast, lunch and dinner


LMAO. Ah, I remember the day when I too had to eat my words when my oldest had a meltdown in Walmart. Which made the youngest cry because he was scared. Awesome day. CHOKED on my words is more accurate LOL


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

responding to the original post,I admire people who have the inner strength to R.I think it's amazing and says so much about the person and their level of commitment and love.

i was unable to get through the rough stages to have a successful R.I couldn't get through what happened and he didn't seem to want to do the things that make R successful anyway.

It isn't fair to say what you would and wouldn't do though if you're not living it or haven't lived it.it's a personal choice that you can't pass judgment on because we're all on a different path.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Exactly. To each their own. And no one here would blame you or judge you for walking away. All the judgement seems to be for the ones who choose to stay, which is shocking.
> 
> I have actually met quite a few who have sworn that they would never stand for it in any relationship, got married, their SO cheated, and they are still together. I am one of them even lol. Just like people who swear that they would take charge and save the day in some of these horrible situations that arise ( shootings, etc) you don't know until you are in it. And most of the time everyone ends up surprised.


I do have respect for those who choose to R if there's geniune remorse on the cheater's part. What I really can't stand, are those stories of serial cheaters, with the BS constantly putting up with the lies and excuses. But then, I suppose that really isn't reconciliation at all, is it? It's turning a blind eye, being a doormat, etc. I guess that's what confuses the issue for those who are truly reconciling. IMHO, there really can't be R with repeat cheaters. Once can be an error of judgement; two, three, four times? Not really. Either way, it's a lot of work, isn't it, to forgive any type betrayal. I know that better than anyone, unfortunately.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

CandieGirl said:


> What I really can't stand, are those stories of serial cheaters, with the BS constantly putting up with the lies and excuses. But then, I suppose that really isn't reconciliation at all, is it?


 Yet if they are still here on a forum seeking guidance that is exactly what is needed. Calmness. Someone who can understand the pain, as well as advise them of the false R. Some are better than others at providing that. Which leads to the questions of why those who aren't/haven't dealt with it are commenting. ESPECIALLY when all the names and accusations start coming out. I firmly believe that if you have not dealt with it in your marriage, then it probably isn't the best idea to guide others who are. But thats just my opinion


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Before we get down on the OP too much, because he hasn't walked a mile in our shoes. I would also like to point out that there ARE, LOTs of people, for whom infidelity is a deal-breaker, and follow through with their convictions. Some people know their limitations. I'm one.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Most people know what the fall out and ramifications can be before ever seeing it, but it doesn't come full circle until you are actually sitting there dealing with it. Thats my opinion at least LOL.


Guess that too, is right. Lots of rights and wrongs in an issue as convoluted as this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Badblood said:


> Before we get down on the OP too much, because he hasn't walked a mile in our shoes. I would also like to point out that there ARE, LOTs of people, for whom infidelity is a deal-breaker, and follow through with their convictions. Some people know their limitations. I'm one.


Of course there are. Quite a few on this site too, aren't there? The only difference I can see between those who chose to R and those who chose to D, is that the ones aiming for R are often asked to explain themselves, and have a whole lot of descriptions associated with them. ( low self esteem, codependent, etc, etc)

I remember my first week on TAM, some random poster told me my H probably cheated because I didn't have enough sex with him :scratchhead: I think I know where all the BW's are LMAO.Then he politely told me not to R if I wasn't going to up the amount of sex we were having, because my H wasn't satisfied. Never saw the part where I said my H with held sex and affection for YEARS. But there are definitely some on the board who will judge anyone who R's just because they can. Which I also think is a huge blow to someone who is still trying to figure out what they want to do. Even now, we have a lot of BS's who want R, but don't want to deal with everyone looking down on them. Sad.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I remember my first week on TAM, some random poster told me my H probably cheated because I didn't have enough sex with him :scratchhead: I think I know where all the BW's are LMAO.Then he politely told me not to R if I wasn't going to up the amount of sex we were having, because my H wasn't satisfied. Never saw the part where I said my H with held sex and affection for YEARS.


:wtf:

Was that outside CWI?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> :wtf:
> 
> Was that outside CWI?


NOPE lol. that is why when people ask why there are not a lot of BW's on here, I kinda giggle. that guy hit up quite a few BW's threads and said basically the same thing.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

You bring up a good point Dawn in that a lot of posters give the same "advice" with each new member before the entire story is out there. Kind of like when I was told by someone they "hope my R isn't successful." That's a little brutal to read.

Can't believe someone told you that you needed to give it up to your H more. WTF?!! Seriously!????


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

DawnD said:


> NOPE lol. that is why when people ask why there are not a lot of BW's on here, I kinda giggle. that guy hit up quite a few BW's threads and said basically the same thing.


That was nearly 3 years ago, wasn't it? Things have changed quite a bit in CWI since I came here. When I first got here, there were lots of people spouting the Plan A stuff and how you should date and win your spouse back.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

SomedayDig said:


> You bring up a good point Dawn in that a lot of posters give the same "advice" with each new member before the entire story is out there. Kind of like when I was told by someone they "hope my R isn't successful." That's a little brutal to read.
> 
> Can't believe someone told you that you needed to give it up to your H more. WTF?!! Seriously!????


I think it hurt more that he was trying to tell me it must have been my "fault" that he cheated, which hurt even more. Granted, things were perfect in the marriage at that point, but d***, really? LOL. Thank god the good outweighed the bad on that thread, or my ever so pleasant self might not be on here :rofl:

I will support someone who chose D just as much as someone who chose R. I would hope others would do the same.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> That was nearly 3 years ago, wasn't it? Things have changed quite a bit in CWI since I came here. When I first got here, there were lots of people spouting the Plan A stuff and how you should date and win your spouse back.


Yep. I still see it every now and again on threads that pop up, but the person who suggests it is usually put down pretty quick. But it can be very detrimental to someone who is trying to feel out what they want to do. 

I see a lot of good on CWI, but I do feel the tone has changed sometimes, and not always for the better. But that is any forum


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Other than here in CWI, the wife not giving the husband enough sex is a pervasive attitude people have the minute they hear someone cheated.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hope1964 said:


> Other than here in CWI, the wife not giving the husband enough sex is a pervasive attitude people have the minute they hear someone cheated.


People are very apt to mention this IRL as well.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Before we get down on the OP too much, because he hasn't walked a mile in our shoes. I would also like to point out that there ARE, LOTs of people, for whom infidelity is a deal-breaker, and follow through with their convictions. Some people know their limitations. I'm one.


Unless I recollect it wrong, you tried to R first until she broke the NC. No?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

OK maybe not to plainly R, thinking of your "Why should I" thread. But at least it wasn't off the table.

Not that I doubt your resolve or decision here, more like pointing out that even those who follow through can have their doubts.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I see a lot of good on CWI, but I do feel the tone has changed sometimes, and not always for the better. But that is any forum


Things aren't perfect, but it's a lot better than what it was. Because before there was a lot of rug sweeping and placating and trying to win back the WS and how the WS wouldn't have cheated if you had been more.....etc.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Things aren't perfect, but it's a lot better than what it was. Because before there was a lot of rug sweeping and placating and trying to win back the WS and how the WS wouldn't have cheated if you had been more.....etc.


This whole idea is disqusting! That its BS' fault......like the WS is a helpless child unable to speak about their needs. Bologna.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> Things aren't perfect, but it's a lot better than what it was. Because before there was a lot of rug sweeping and placating and trying to win back the WS and how the WS wouldn't have cheated if you had been more.....etc.


Very true with the placating and the "if you hadn't/had" statements. I do think this board is still very helpful, and can bring out things that a newly BS or WS hadn't quite thought about.


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## throcker (Aug 10, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Of course there are. Quite a few on this site too, aren't there? The only difference I can see between those who chose to R and those who chose to D, is that the ones aiming for R are often asked to explain themselves, and have a whole lot of descriptions associated with them. ( low self esteem, codependent, etc, etc)
> 
> I remember my first week on TAM, some random poster told me my H probably cheated because I didn't have enough sex with him :scratchhead: I think I know where all the BW's are LMAO.Then he politely told me not to R if I wasn't going to up the amount of sex we were having, because my H wasn't satisfied. Never saw the part where I said my H with held sex and affection for YEARS. But there are definitely some on the board who will judge anyone who R's just because they can. Which I also think is a huge blow to someone who is still trying to figure out what they want to do.* Even now, we have a lot of BS's who want R, but don't want to deal with everyone looking down on them. Sad*.


I think everyone who at least tries to R should be given credit and shown respect for trying, and if certain other posters look down on them, so be it. Each case is different and only the BS and the WS know the true "facts of the case". I would have thought that I would be one who would be right out the door if I found out my W had cheated on me, but guess what? About five months ago my wife of over 20 years confessed to me that she had a one night stand on a two day, one night trip to another state three months after we married. We have had a good marriage for all of these years and are truly in love with each other, so the question becomes "do I throw away 20+ good years with her for a long-ago ONS?" In my case, the answer is "no", and we are both working hard at R.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

snap said:


> Unless I recollect it wrong, you tried to R first until she broke the NC. No?


Yep, that was me. But it wan't that she broke NC, she never really tried, until I had decided to divorce. I was swayed from my natural inclinations by a lot of posters, here on TAM, plus my wife and her family. Now I realize that I shouldn't have bothered. Some people will only be honest as a last resort, and she was one of them.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> This whole idea is disqusting! That its BS' fault......like the WS is a helpless child unable to speak about their needs. Bologna.


Explains why they changed the name from Oscar Meyer to TAM


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

snap said:


> OK maybe not to plainly R, thinking of your "Why should I" thread. But at least it wasn't off the table.
> 
> Not that I doubt your resolve or decision here, more like pointing out that even those who follow through can have their doubts.


When making such a decision as whether to R or D, of course you are going to have doubts. You wouldn't be human if you did not. BTW the poster to whom Somedaydig is refering, in his back -handed way, is me. But he never mentioned the rest of my post. I said that I hoped that his R was unsuccessful unlees there was self-improvement. Because without self-improvement by BOTH the BS and WS, the R is a false one. I am perfectly willing to own my words.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

RWB said:


> lalsr,
> ... After being dragged through the pit of betrayal like infidelity, the survivors that do R come out the other side changed. You never really get over it. It just dulls and the present replaces the past. But you never forget. You know without question there will be no more 2nd chances.


I hope to never need to find out how I will react to this. I can seriously say that I am a forgiving person, but I would expect that I would be physically repulsed initially, but if there were guilt and remorse I might be inclined to give R a try. I know how damn hard it is to find someone to love, and know that everyone makes mistakes. My wife DID cheat on her first husband once, felt bad enough to immediately divorce him, and married the guy she cheated with. This guy subsequently was a serial cheater, and she, unbelievably, allowed him back into her life after divorcing him before we met. She said she was not "husband material." I had some trepidation, but I do believe that people can change. I do have to force myself to "blur" my thoughts, and I have become extremely sensitive to any hint of contact with her ex. 

(We are both in our late 50s and divorced, so it comes as no surprise to me that there might be some baggage. I can't expect to find someone who has been completely squeaky clean if I want to be able to find someone to spend the rest of my life with.).

In recent years, as I was going through the end of my own decaying marriage with my ex, I met people who have had very complex lives where they have been cheated on or have cheated. I never broke my vows with my ex, though I was extremely tempted. I can't really fathom the logic that allows people to continue with partners after an infidelity is discovered, but I know that many manage to remain friends or occasional lovers over time, and even manage to befriend the OW/OM. Maybe I'm puzzled because I have NO desire whatsoever to befriend my ex, but we parted due to years of verbal abuse I suffered from her. My own father cheated on my mother, they nearly divorced, but they have remained together for more than 60 years. I remained faithful to my ex of 30 years, but was not monogamous while I was dating, and dated people I know were not faithful. 

I suspect I'd give no second chance. I had no idea how frequent infidelity occurred, but that doesn't, to me, justify continuing to cheat after coming clean and seeing the hurt it caused. 

Life is complex….


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Things aren't perfect, but it's a lot better than what it was. Because before there was a lot of rug sweeping and placating and trying to win back the WS and how the WS wouldn't have cheated if you had been more.....etc.


There still is, LMH.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> My wife's oldest friend cheated on her husband, left him, married the other guy, lived with him for years then left him and moved back with the first ex. I doubt they will stay together let alone get remarried but I think it's a comfort. The comfort of two people who know how it all fits together now. It's familiar.


Thank you. This explains why people might get back together. It helps me understand WHY it bothers me so much that my wife remains Facebook friends with an ex (with very little direct interaction, none initiated by her.). The fact that they know how it "all fits together" and that it's all "familiar" REALLY underscores why I feel uncomfortable with any contact -- especially given the manner in which they got together (through an affair) and how they split up (by his serial cheating). sigh. I decided long ago to give her the benefit of the doubt, life is too short to waste on hypothesizing, but I realize I might have a very hard time giving a second chance. We've had over three very happy years.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

What you see as backhanded, I said that way for tact to not name names. Wow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Badblood said:


> When making such a decision as whether to R or D, of course you are going to have doubts. You wouldn't be human if you did not. BTW the poster to whom Somedaydig is refering, in his back -handed way, is me. But he never mentioned the rest of my post. I said that I hoped that his R was unsuccessful unlees there was self-improvement. Because without self-improvement by BOTH the BS and WS, the R is a false one. I am perfectly willing to own my words.


*Here is the original post, BB. Unfortunately, you were less supportive originally, but we appreciate your input and clarification.*



Badblood said:


> BTW, even though I respect both you and Regret and the work you are doing, I DO NOT hope you can reconcile. What I DO hope is that BOTH of you can learn to live happy, guilt-free, loving lives, whether it is together or separate. I feel that in many (even most) cases, R is not going to ever be complete, even with all of the goodwill in the world. Real life isn't like Disney, some bad things happen and can never be recovered from. I think that most posters truly want to hear stories with happy endings, BS'S and WS's and OP's included, but seldom does it ever happen.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Badblood said:


> There still is, LMH.


I honestly haven't felt that way. You and others have called me out on everything! Difficult to hear, but helpful.


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## Pinballtim (Jul 16, 2012)

Wow just read your story on this site.

Did your husband actually stay with you..

If he did, he must have a very, very poor view of himself and i hope he can get past that.

What a waste


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Pinballtim said:


> Wow just read your story on this site.
> 
> Did your husband actually stay with you..
> 
> ...


And there it is....... LMAO


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

We have worked through, and continue to work through a lot of issues. What you fail to see is how STRONG of person he is and how he never let me off the hook. In addition, my own will to make amends and reconcile with full remorse. There is no waste, and he would agree.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> We have worked through, and continue to work through a lot of issues. What you fail to see is how STRONG of person he is and how he never let me off the hook. In addition, my own will to make amends and reconcile with full remorse. There is no waste, and he would agree.


I agree. Doing R is not for the weak at all,on both sides.Takes a incredible amount of strenght.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

calvin said:


> I agree. Doing R is not for the weak at all,on both sides.Takes a incredible amount of strenght.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 I actually break down my stages of R. Sounds weird but roll with me on this for a sec.

Attempting R: the time I took to heal from just the affair

Reconciliation: the time after Attempting R where we move past the affair and work on both of our sides of the marriage.

Reconciled: Once we have recommitted to one another, accepting the past as the past, learning from it, and still making the choice to remain together. All this while still enforcing boundaries and behaviors that need to be present in any relationship that is successful.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Pinballtim said:


> Wow just read your story on this site.
> 
> Did your husband actually stay with you..
> 
> ...


Hi, Tim. Obviously, you must not have read enough to know anything. The point that a lot of people have made on this thread is that sometimes people with small minds and internet muscles come on here and bash people who are working through one of the most horrific things that can happen in a marriage.

Saying things like what you said is an example.

That said, no ~ I don't have a very, very poor view of myself so I don't need to get past that. What I have is probably a little more courage in my small toe than you will achieve in a lifetime. 

It's okay though. That just means you have room to grow and can possibly use my example as something to strive for.

Good luck.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I actually break down my stages of R. Sounds weird but roll with me on this for a sec.
> 
> Attempting R: the time I took to heal from just the affair
> 
> ...


Good definition,me and WW are six months in and its just now starting to feel better.
Love and respect are a must.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

somedaydig said:


> hi, tim. Obviously, you must not have read enough to know anything. The point that a lot of people have made on this thread is that sometimes people with small minds and internet muscles come on here and bash people who are working through one of the most horrific things that can happen in a marriage.
> 
> Saying things like what you said is an example.
> 
> ...


one thousand likes!!!!!!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> I agree. Doing R is not for the weak at all,on both sides.Takes a incredible amount of strenght.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THE hardest thing Ive ever done, hands down. I believe we are worth at least trying.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Not knocking any of you that have reconciled with your cheating spouse, but how can you do it? I love my wife and our children with all my heart,but if she cheated even once I would be gone quicker than The Flash. Even the thought of her with another man sends me into a boiling rage, and if I actually caught her in the act it would end like that country song "Momma's in the graveyard, Poppa's in the pen."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful with these last words... "...but, if she cheated..." And, if you cheated, she would dump you in a flash? I am not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to consider a lot of things before jumping to judgement. I would agree that by and large, it does not turn out well in a lot of cases, but there are a number of factors involved in how reconciliation may actually happen, and it does.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Pinballtim said:


> Wow just read your story on this site.
> 
> Did your husband actually stay with you..
> 
> ...


Dude, although i'm one of those who usually take a hard line on cheaters and for now i always say that i would not go the R way, I didn't like your post one bit. Cuz IT'S NOTHING OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS and you have no right to add further insult to a betrayed spouse that decided to go for an R. 

Do you think the guy actually needs to be put down after being cheated on? He must have his reasons. Maybe some years down the line he may find himself happier than you. Have you thought of that? 

We all should act according to our morals and self image, but judging others when we have nothing at stake in the way you just did is wrong. Just pray the karma bus doesn't turn your way.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Other than here in CWI, the wife not giving the husband enough sex is a pervasive attitude people have the minute they hear someone cheated.


Even so... A wife not giving the "selfish" husband enough sex is no excuse for cheating. I wonder if the WH deserves more sex if all he is doing is letting his wife do all the child rearing, housework, etc.

One of my personal philosophies to a healthy marriage, "Husbands, be sure to find your way into the kitchen for something other than eating." It can be cleaning up after dinner or cooking but do not just expect to be served dinner and then expect to have your beautiful wife to spread her legs later.

Caveat: I am a male... so this is not male bashing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

drerio said:


> Even so... A wife not giving the "selfish" husband enough sex is no excuse for cheating. I wonder if the WH deserves more sex if all he is doing is letting his wife do all the child rearing, housework, etc.
> 
> One of my personal philosophies to a healthy marriage, "Husbands, be sure to find your way into the kitchen for something other than eating." It can be cleaning up after dinner or cooking but do not just expect to be served dinner and then expect to have your beautiful wife to spread her legs later.
> 
> Caveat: I am a male... so this is not male bashing.


This is VERY true!

an interesting aside: when my husband was registered on all the dating sites he was on, he invariably said he was in a sexless marriage, which was totally untrue. So the cheaters are using this as an excuse, even when it isn't the case, because they know people identify with that as a 'reason'.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

I always clean up my mess and do the bigger house chores,shampoo carpets stuff like that,I dont do a lot of housework because I work 65 hours a week.
And if your sex life sucks,it still no reason to go outside the marriage,ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> What you see as backhanded, I said that way for tact to not name names. Wow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is no need for tact, as I'm not ashamed to own my words.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Pinballtim said:


> Wow just read your story on this site.
> 
> Did your husband actually stay with you..
> 
> ...


Tim, this is not a particularly helpful post. Somedaydig's strength or weakness of character is not the issue, here. Some people choose to R because they are weak, and some because they are strong. Determination in one situation, can be desperation in another. Some reconcile because of fear, some because of hope. That seems to be the main focus of this issue. There are as many different reasons to R, as there are to D, with about the same degree of validity. Regardless of which path a couple chooses, the main emphasis should be on improvement, of self, of each other, of the situation. I chose D, and my situation has improved greatly, my strength of character has been confirmed, my ex-wife is in the process of rebuilding and improving her self-image and character, and everybody involved can look forward to a better future. If we had decided to R, none of this would have happened. She would NEVER have addressed her issues, I would have felt bad for reconciling with such a damaged person, and Our marriage would have been the pits. B1 and EI have chosen to R, and are working on self-improvement vigorously, helping each other, and doing what it takes to improve their marriage...in short.... they are reconciling for all the right reasons, though at times, like all of us, they have doubts and fears. Blanket condemnation OR blanket validation helps nobody. If I've learned anything on TAM, it's that all of the infidelity stories should be taken on their own individual merits.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Hi, Tim. Obviously, you must not have read enough to know anything. The point that a lot of people have made on this thread is that sometimes people with small minds and internet muscles come on here and bash people who are working through one of the most horrific things that can happen in a marriage.
> 
> Saying things like what you said is an example.
> 
> ...



I would like to *double-like* this post!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Regret214 said:


> I honestly haven't felt that way. You and others have called me out on everything! Difficult to hear, but helpful.


Please understand that my comments were at the beginning of your threads, and since that time , have attempted to avoid confrontation. I would like to assure both you and Somedaydig that I have no intention of commenting on your particular situation, again. But will only respond , if addressed specifically. I feel that we can co-exist and enjoy the benefits of TAM, without direct contact, or interaction.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Not knocking any of you that have reconciled with your cheating spouse, but how can you do it? I love my wife and our children with all my heart,but if she cheated even once I would be gone quicker than The Flash. Even the thought of her with another man sends me into a boiling rage, and if I actually caught her in the act it would end like that country song "Momma's in the graveyard, Poppa's in the pen."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. Let's hope you don't have to find out, but the reality can be somewhat different.

Shock, hurt, betrayal, yeah. But the love can help you through it. It did with me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> I would like to *double-like* this post!


:iagree:


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