# She sent my boudouir photos to her "friend"



## SkidSteer (Aug 11, 2012)

Hello. I wish I had stumbled on this site 8 months ago. 

I've been married almost 8 years. We have 2 children and before 2012 what I thought was great marriage.

Just after new years I got a long distance phone call. 2000 miles away. I thought it was my wife's mom. When I picked it up it was some guy asking for her. She was acting weird so I asked her "Is there anything that might be perceived as not on the up and up" She answered "No"

She had befriended this old school mate on facebook. I looked at his wall and my heart sank. He was calling her "sexy" and saying " I love you" He asked a couple times " Is your hubby home, I need to talk" One time she said she needed a vacation and he said "There's a vacation in my pants" To which she replied " When isn't there" 

Needless to say I'm livid. I've got a bit of an anger problem and it reared it's ugly head. I'd never hit a woman but I did hit every picture of her and smashed a lot of stuff. Definitely not something I'm proud of. Looking back in hindsight I wish I would have kept my cool and just spied for a bit to get the whole truth.

I spent a a lot of time trying to get the answers. With some success. She fessed a lot of stuff up after denying everything.

She sent him the sexy boudoir photos that she gave me for my birthday 6 months before.

She said he wanted to make love to her and perform oral sex. (I changed some of the wording)

He sent her a picture of his penis. (She said she didn't think it was his and had asked him not to send it )

She called him 12 times in 4 months but said that he did most of the calling. I have no way of collecting this data. Some of the calls were at least an hour.

She admits to discussing her panties and privates details with him.

She initiated contact both online and over the phone. She kept this whole thing a secret for 4 months. 


I immediately had problems having sex with her. She is super hot but I just couldn't climax. Eventually I discovered that I could if I called her a fkn sl_t or a w_ore. But this was sometimes over an hour and we would practically destroy ourselves.

I started smoking pot to help with the anger. But get this, I closed down the ministry I had in my church and actually changed churches because the pastor told me it was half my fault. His wife and him agreed to counsel us but got busy building orphanages in Mexico.

It's less now but when we were intimate I couldn't get the thought of this guy out of our bed. I'd imagine him in bed with us doing the things he talked about. Or maybe that his **** was bigger than mine. All sorts of stuff that hampered my performance. But it was all demented because sometimes I'd actually have my wife talk about him while we were doing it. I don't know why, I have no desire for a cuckold lifestyle but definitely entertained the thoughts for brief moments.

She says 

Sending the photos to him was stupid. She did it because he begged her. 

She said she denied talking to him about anything sexual and that she always changed the topic. 

She said all of their conversations we about him and his problems. 

She deleted all of the messages on her facebook account. I even offered to pay the guy $1000 bucks just to send me the conversations so that I could verify if she was telling the truth.
She did not want to do this.

We took the online affair quiz and she scored huge yet she still denies that it was an online affair.

I feel that this has changed me. I'm not the same person.

This might sound childish but I feel that 8 months of thinking about this other guy while having sex and all the other pain is worth something. I don't want my wife to be punished but i think that she needs to make it up to me. She spent $1000 bucks on those photos and gave them to another guy. That was money I made. I know there's this whole forgiveness thing that I'm missing but hell. 

Problem is virtually everything went back to normal. I want something special. I don't even come home to a clean house let alone a threesome.

Just kidding. I just want her to make it up to me but I don't know what will do it and either does she. I don't even know if that will fix it. I think after some time it will fade but I'm certain that it will rear it's ugly head again.

Is this an online emotional affair. I'm thinking that if she could see this from some other perspectives she'd be more willing to up her side of the repair effort.


If anyone out there would take the time to read this and give me their two cent. I would appreciate it.



Thanks


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry for your plight, but you wife doesn't even admit she had an affair, is not transparent, and you want somethining special as "payment"....? You need to get the big picture friend. You need to read like mad. Study this forum. Get "not just friends". You can't rug sweep this and expect things to be ok. They are most definitely not! Payback is not the issue. You need to either fully reconcile, divorce or be comfortable in the knowledge that this WILL occur again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First rule of dealing with affairs: expose them to gf, parents, spouses, close friends

Second rule, believe nothing she says, in fact if she says assume X is a lie.

Third rule, cheaters minimize what they did.

-----

So have you now got all her passwords and accounts? Do you have a key logger on the computers to catch her tslking to him?

Has she read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass?

Have you let her know your marriage is on a thread?

Does the OM have a wife or gf?


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## SkidSteer (Aug 11, 2012)

I should mention that I have done a fair amount of looking at the history and believe that this relationship is over.

She's offered phone records, and I'm well versed on the computer to catch anything that looks off when I'm looking.

We read a book called "His needs Her needs" It was really good. We like the analogy about the love bank. It's just that her's is in the red and I don't feel that she's doing enough to make it up to me.

The other thing is that I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me insane. Do I have to live with this forever.


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## SkidSteer (Aug 11, 2012)

I will get her that book as I've heard lots of people mention it.

Thanks


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your sweeping this under the rug, and it won't go away until the both of you face thise ughly demon.

I took this can of worms and opened it wide open. We faced it head on. No matter how painful it was fo me and my wife, we was not going to let it go.

I had buried my head in the sand long enough, so it was time to educate and study this thing called infidelity.

I know it payed off with me and my chick, and I hope it will for you and your wife. So read, learn, and get some counseling. Talk about this and understand it. 

The worst thing you can do is hide from it never learning how to affair proof the marriage, never understanding it and waiting for years for this crap to happen again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your wife especially needs to be come a scholor in infidelity. She needs to be honest with her self and learn the tools to affair proof her marriage by going to IC and learning about her self and understanding who she really is. She can't be honest with you until she can be honest with her self.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

SkidSteer said:


> I immediately had problems having sex with her. She is super hot but I just couldn't climax. Eventually I discovered that I could if I called her a fkn sl_t or a w_ore. But this was sometimes over an hour and we would practically destroy ourselves.
> 
> I started smoking pot to help with the anger. But get this, I closed down the ministry I had in my church and actually changed churches because the pastor told me it was half my fault. His wife and him agreed to counsel us but got busy building orphanages in Mexico.
> 
> It's less now but when we were intimate I couldn't get the thought of this guy out of our bed. I'd imagine him in bed with us doing the things he talked about. Or maybe that his **** was bigger than mine. All sorts of stuff that hampered my performance. But it was all demented because sometimes I'd actually have my wife talk about him while we were doing it. I don't know why, I have no desire for a cuckold lifestyle but definitely entertained the thoughts for brief moments.



I was going along with the story till I read this stuff 


C'mon


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@Complexity, IDK it sound like something I would do/did back in the day.

There might be someone out there wired like I use to be!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This is more than an EA. It is cybersex. That is flat out cheating.

This is just what you know. 

Inappropriate -- Being in contact with this guy at all and flirting

Unfaithful -- The flirting, lying and hiding. She is having a relationship with another man

Cheating -- The cycbersex. The pictures.

For me? Total dealbreaker. YMMV.

So no this is not just an EA.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

SkidSteer said:


> Is this an online emotional affair. I'm thinking that if she could see this from some other perspectives she'd be more willing to up her side of the repair effort.


Yes. It's an EA. A frequently cited statistic on this board is that affairs take 2-5 years to move past. You're still in the early days of recovery. It's natural to have times where you're obsessing about this.

What your wife needs to do is offer transparency. She should give you all of her email/Facebook passwords and have no problems with you checking her phone and phone records. That will help you recover.

As for whether you will hold on to this forever, in some sense, you will, yes. I'm not saying that in 10 years you'll be obsessed about this other man. I'm saying that this is your red pill moment in regards to your wife. You see her for what she is, not what you thought she was. And you can't go back to your ignorance.

Many men believe that, if George Clooney offered $1 million to sleep with their wives, their wives would turn him down. Because our wives are loyal and crazy in love with us to the exclusion of all others. Some men understand that our wives would be on Clooney in two shakes for free. That's not because our wives are skanks. It's because they're typical women. Women have innate faults and are susceptible to infidelity. Men are too, but we're talking about women here.

So, I suggest you stop talking about the other man while you're having sex and start talking about him outside the bedroom to help you recover.

Good luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Many men believe that, if George Clooney offered $1 million to sleep with their wives, their wives would turn him down. Because our wives are loyal and crazy in love with us to the exclusion of all others. Some men understand that our wives would be on Clooney in two shakes for free. *That's not because our wives are skanks.* It's because they're typical women. Women have innate faults and are susceptible to infidelity. Men are too, but we're talking about women here.



Well, uhmmm... No. If they did that, they are skanks. But their husbands would be $1M richer and can afford to move on and find another skank to marry or just be FWB.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Complexity said:


> I was going along with the story till I read this stuff
> 
> 
> C'mon


i basically did the same. :/


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I was going along with the story till I read this stuff
> 
> 
> C'mon


I had the same feeling, I usually don't bother posting though but you probably hit it head on.

Edit:

I'll give you my .02 anyway.

Kick this EA of hers down to the ground. First things first if you want this to work, you need to realize that this is an addiction, dopamine, making her feel good, naughty, its exciting and she is definitely interested in this OM and all the fantasy involved in this EA. You need to confront and not tolerate any gaslighting whatsover. You will not tolerate her behavior and she must, with your assistance and surveilance, stop AAAAALLLL CONTACT of any sort (smoke signals, morse code etc) with the OM. Then you need to start taking investigative measures to be sure she hasn't relapsed and contacted the OM. This is an addiction and you need to keep her out and away from any ocassion where she may have a relapse. If she has a phone and your provider allows to block phone do so. If you have a desktop/comp at home, install a keylogger so you can get FB password, email passwords etc THEN block FB by editing the windows HOST file, google it if you don't know how. If you think this is too much, than maybe you're not really serious about your marriage. Its a serious war, and if you think it is not then that is why you are being cheated on because you are never serious, never act on what you say, and always allow yourself to be gaslighted, pawned, stomped on, given the mushroom treatment. If she becomes angry then give her the 180 while still enforcing this NO CONTACT activity and definitely NO girl nights out at all. The use of all of this is to get her out of the fog and make her realize the wrong she has done. Sending pics? I don't care if she was wearing lingerie or a fully clothed typical bathroom pic at work, thats intolerable.

Its your choice to take action on any advice given here, you are the best one to make a conscious and smart decision if you think about every option and its possible outcome. Like a chess game, think of every move possible and the next few outcomes after every one of those moves. Stay ahead because as a BS (betrayed spouse who are always behind when they discover) you need every advantage.


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## Shecheats (Aug 11, 2012)

I am very sorry but this is downright disrespectful and no shame in your wife's actions. I don't exactly know how a man can deal with this kind of cheating but I would run away as fast as I can! One time is enough for me, or I would go miserable the entire time if im still with that person! I have a hard time trusting people and this thing will make me really walk away without goodbyes! sorry!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She sent him the sexy boudoir photos that she gave me for my birthday 6 months before.


Ouch! She sent your private pictures that she had made specially for you to mark your birthday, to some other man?

Oh. That's not good. Not good at all.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

aug said:


> Well, uhmmm... No. If they did that, they are skanks. But their husbands would be $1M richer and can afford to move on and find another skank to marry or just be FWB.


Just like that movie 'the proposal' except I would have not donated all the money.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK this is an EA and could have moved into a PA at some point. Do not believe anything your wife tells you about the A at this point. She has no remorse and no respect for you.

The bigges thing is expose, call out the other man if he has a GF or W let them know what he is up to. Tell your parents and your wifes just what is going on.

Tell her it is done. You need a no contact letter and if she contacts him it is divorce city. Get into MC right away.

Your wife is in a fog right now about the other guy. It will continue unless you snap her out of it. The threat of divorce and her family and friends ragging on her about it will clear that up right away.

The sex thing cut her off demand she tell you everything and right now or your putting her on the street.

That said if she goes along you need to verify for awhile. keyloggers on the computer var in the car and a gps on the car. Trust but verify.

Sorry you are here my friend. Also see a doctor get your bp checked, are you sleeping and eating? She may not have gone PA but get checked for STD's most cheaters go bareback.

Drop the pot and get physical, Gym, batting cages run to work out the anger


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> Yes. It's an EA. A frequently cited statistic on this board is that affairs take 2-5 years to move past. You're still in the early days of recovery. It's natural to have times where you're obsessing about this.
> 
> What your wife needs to do is offer transparency. She should give you all of her email/Facebook passwords and have no problems with you checking her phone and phone records. That will help you recover.
> 
> ...


How typical is debatable. BUT, any woman who would do this IS a total skank.

But your point is well taken. There is no woman on the planet I would jump into bed with. I am married. No woman. Nada. But I do get the sense from many women that there are indeed some men ( pre-selection effect ) that they would do so in a heartbeat.


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## SkidSteer (Aug 11, 2012)

Thanks for the input. Much of the advice you've given has already been taken. I got rid of the computer she did it on. We have each others passwords for email. She cancelled her FB account and we now have a joint FB account which is irritating to me because she has more friends who post non stop garbage.

I have way of recording the computer activity so that works good. So far I'm comfortable that she's stopped this EA with guy. 

The OM and us live over 2000 miles apart in different countries so I'm not concerned about a PA. I just want to stop obsessing and thinking about it.

I'm not running and giving up. I believe my suffering is worth having me in the home for the kids, and I do love my wife.

We watched a video of Bob and Audrey Miesner. They used to have a TV ministry show. She had an affair on him that led to an interracial baby that they are now raising so I know that healing the relationship is possible. 

To those who don't believe my story. I don't know what I could have said to make it more believable. I'm a straight shooter. It's what happened and is happening and I'm not about to debate my own story.

My Grandfather died a couple weeks ago and he truly loved my grandmother. He would have never called my grandma those names so I promised her I wouldn't unless she wanted me to.

I'm glad to hear that 2-5 years number. To me it means that I'm not stuck in this by not having dealt with it after 8 months.

Thanks again everyone


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

SkidSteer said:


> We watched a video of Bob and Audrey Miesner. They used to have a TV ministry show. She had an affair on him that led to an interracial baby that they are now raising so I know that healing the relationship is possible.


That's exactly the WRONG guy to emulate. You need to educate yourself about women and I mean fast. You've got to purge your mind of unbiblical Churchian garbage about the relationship dynamic between men and women. You need to learn game.

When it comes to attraction and sex, women are pretty much ruled by the Limbic, not the Cortex. You need raise your sex rank and get more Alpha.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sound like its working out, great. The next step is meeting each others needs and affair proofing the marriage.

I'm curious about the name calling in. In my case I have stopped the hair pulling and the words s**t and "*****" and replaced them with "dirty girl" and "bad girl" the spamking still happen but not much. as this was a discussion me and Mrs. the guy had ....I suggest you to the same.

Lets face it communication is a must when it comes to meeting each others needs.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Train wreck ahead if you don't make her feel the heat. You can't "nice" her into an affective reconcilistion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SkidSteer said:


> Thanks for the input. Much of the advice you've given has already been taken. I got rid of the computer she did it on. We have each others passwords for email. She cancelled her FB account and we now have a joint FB account which is irritating to me because she has more friends who post non stop garbage.
> 
> I have way of recording the computer activity so that works good. So far I'm comfortable that she's stopped this EA with guy.
> 
> ...


That is one of the most degrading and sad things I have ever read. I need to go vomit ....

Not that the baby was interacial. That is totally besides the point other than making it an obvious thing. The fact that you view this as a success story is very troubling to me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> That is one of the most degrading and sad things I have ever read. I need to go vomit ....
> 
> Not that the baby was interacial. That is totally besides the point other than making it an obvious thing. The fact that you view this as a success story is very troubling to me.


You just can't know how degrading it is until you experience raising another guys child (or guys' children) thinking they are yours only to find out you were merely along for the ride to act as a bank account.
The only way I would ever be able to consider that as an "exhilarating experience" would be for me to have a complete frontal lobotomy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Take the photo she gave you and burn them infront of her, explain they are no longer yours anymore.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Take the photo she gave you and burn them infront of her, explain they are no longer yours anymore.


This

That was huge and very disrespectful.

Those aren't her pictures, they were the marriages and meant for only two people in this entire planet, not three. A gift from her to you to let you know how she feels about you. Extremely personal, extremely private. 

She flaunted them to another man, and that is NOT OKAY under any circumstance. Those could wind up on the google now for every man to see if the other guy 'feels like it.'

It doesn't matter how good they are to you if another man can gaze at them anytime he wants to as well.

Burn them, rip them up, whatever but do it in front of her cause she needs to know that she totally and completely overstepped your boundaries. Not just by the text and messages but by her actions.

Please do this.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

SkidSteer said:


> She sent him the sexy boudoir photos that she gave me for my birthday 6 months before.
> *Yea that's nothing "roll's eyes*
> 
> She said he wanted to make love to her and perform oral sex. (I changed some of the wording)
> ...


My two cents is you have not gotten the whole truth. You are getting the damage control truth. You are putting on blinders cause you want this over with. 
You need to immediately deman NC. Have HER send the message to the OM. Expose this situation to your WW friends, family, and the other man's wife. 
From what you have said it sounds like she was at the very least considering visiting this guy. Even though he sounds like a shallow d bag somehow your wife got attached. 

I am only giving you tough love to hopefully make you mad enough to (not overly mad) lay down the law. Think of this as a go get em speech cause you need to man up. Draw you line in the Sand . I'd even go so far as to ask her to stay elsewhere while you figure this all out. Make sure you inject so much reality into this fantasy she has that it crumbles. 
The biggest thing on the list is the NO Contact. Which needs to be a hard limit. IF she communicates with him again you contact a lawyer. 
Now get out there and Take care of business.


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