# Not in love anymore...idk?



## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

Here are the facts...

I am 37 years old and have been married 10 years together 16. Have 1 adopted daughter and one biological son together and I have another child from a previous relationship. 

I quit drinking in August 2011. I was a spree drinker. I could go months at a time drinking minimal to nothing then one night just get blitzed. The last 12 months were the worst of all. I had several spree nights that I totally blacked out and had no memory of the nights activities. My sobriety date is 8/21/11. :smthumbup: I have been an alcoholic since I was 21. I have been the type of drinker who has one or two on the porch with friends after a particularly bad day or after DH did something to tick me off or the kids were "driving me nuts". I feel really good about not drinking anymore. I am sober and feeling much better about myself. No hangovers, no "oh my God! What happened last night?'s", it's been very nice. There is, however, a downside to this sobriety thing. I have noticed that I have been unhappy much much longer than I thought. 

I believe that I married my best friend. I love him dearly but I am not "in love" with him. I'm lost. We have talked many times over the past couple of months about my feelings and I just don't know. I cannot give some good reason other than it's me. Something is wrong with me to want to remove myself from this comfortable life with my family, my husband (best friend). I feel like I'm broken.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Well. I got this speech from my wife 10 months ago. Here is want I think on the subject.

Passion goes up and down in all marriages. You said you love your husband but you are not in love with him.

Do you trust him? Does he respect you? Do you consider him a friend? Most importantly do you get along?

We all have to make choices in life. You have to decide to fully commit to your marriage. Decide you are going to be happy and you are going to do everything you can to make your husband happy. Once you make this decision, then you "just do it"

Little more advise. You made a great decision when you stopped drinking. Take it to the next level; start exercising and maybe talk your husband into doing it with you.

Good luck


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## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

Yes I trust him. Yes he respects me. Yes he is my best friend and yes we get along very well. We are able to talk openly about things most couples are uncomfortable with. (i.e. ex's and feelings about ex's, etc.)

I have been excercising regularly for 2 years now...lost 45 lbs..and am feeling really good. Hubby just started working out a couple of months ago and has already started loosing weight.


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## harlisondavidly (Jul 4, 2011)

CrzyA said:


> Yes I trust him. Yes he respects me. Yes he is my best friend and yes we get along very well. We are able to talk openly about things most couples are uncomfortable with. (i.e. ex's and feelings about ex's, etc.)


Wish I could say that about me, at least the last part about talking openly. I have never felt I could that and maintain any sanity. So I never did, for the last 12 years. Now after my EA things are in a tizzy. Things are out in the open and it is not pretty. I wish I had been a man about it 12 years ago and ended it before it started, but I was feeling obliged to follow through because that was the "right" thing to do. If I had that you have with my wife, it would make things a lot easier.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

CrzyA said:


> Here are the facts...
> 
> I believe that I married my best friend. I love him dearly but I am not "in love" with him. I'm lost. We have talked many times over the past couple of months about my feelings and I just don't know. I cannot give some good reason other than it's me.


Ugh. I love you but I'm not in love w/ you. Your story could have been written by my best friend's wife. So sad. 

This is your second marriage? Maybe you were not meant to be married, to anybody. Not judging, just asking. Could be you have a higher need for variety. Did you ever feel passion for him? Have you always been un-aroused by him? Are you just bored? 

I gotta say, your situation is not something I understand either. I may end up hating my wife's guts at some point. But she will always be a looker to me. I don't understand how you could go from being in love w/ H to now he doesn't do it for you anymore, considering you get along well.


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## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

This is my first marriage. We were together for 5 years before we set a date. I have witnessed my mom's 3 marriages growing up and didn't want to make the wrong choice for myself. 

We had serious passion for each other and he still does for me. I know the situation doesn't make sense...it certainly doesn't make sense to me and I am the one in it. 

It's not fair really (I know I know...Life's not fair). I have a great guy, intelligent, attractive, funny, supportive, basically wonderful...yet I feel...lost. It doesn't make any sense at all. Why in the world would this happen?

Your last question is a doosey! Am I bored? Possibly. But bordem is no reason to ruin a good marriage and a good family life. I kept looking for othere posts on the web trying to find out if I am the only one who has it so good and yet feels unfulfilled. Seem to be the case. I should be happy. I should be content. Should, should, should. The sad thing is, I am not and I _AM _trying to find a way to get back to where I was before with him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how much time do you spend with your spouse on just a one on one basis per week?


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## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

We get about an hour a night after the kids go to bed...but nothing more and he works weekends.


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## insomnia255 (Dec 4, 2011)

you need to spend about 15-20 hours a week with him. Save your marriage. Watch this 2 min video on you tube it will give you direction

Is it possible to fall back in love with your spouse? - YouTube


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

CrzyA said:


> We had serious passion for each other and he still does for me. I know the situation doesn't make sense...it certainly doesn't make sense to me and I am the one in it.
> 
> But bordem is no reason to ruin a good marriage and a good family life. I kept looking for othere posts on the web trying to find out if I am the only one who has it so good and yet feels unfulfilled. Seem to be the case. I should be happy. I should be content. Should, should, should. The sad thing is, I am not and I _AM _trying to find a way to get back to where I was before with him.


No no no. You are far from the only one. Married Man Sex Life website has your situation nailed. It's directed towards men who have wives who love them but are no longer in love with them. My best friend's wife divorced him with your exact story. 

You feel what you feel and it is very valid. Check out the website, if the message resonates, have your H look at it. 

I probably will never understand how this happens to women. Goiing from passionately in love to blah. But it happens a lot apparently and many times it can be successfully addressed. 

Good Luck!


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## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

Thanks IKnow. I appreciate what you've said. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this. It's so frustraiting. I really do love my husband. I love the life we have. I just cannot shake this. I want to get through it and get back to where we were. I suppose that is an important part of this. My family is very important to me. I cannot imagine being without them. Even for 1 day...so I am trying. I am talking. H and I have talked many times about what I am feeling and he will ask me every couple days how we are doing. 

I guess I just have to work through this day by day. IDK what else to do.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

CrzyA said:


> Thanks IKnow. I appreciate what you've said. It makes me feel better to know that I am not alone in this. It's so frustraiting. I really do love my husband. I love the life we have. I just cannot shake this. I want to get through it and get back to where we were. I suppose that is an important part of this. My family is very important to me. I cannot imagine being without them. Even for 1 day...so I am trying. I am talking. H and I have talked many times about what I am feeling and he will ask me every couple days how we are doing.
> 
> I guess I just have to work through this day by day. IDK what else to do.


One detail I left out was that your H has to have the desire to see that there is an issue and to want work at it. 
There are men that WOULD try to address the issue if they recognized it for what it is. And there are men who just will not put in the effort or do not care. MMSL is directed towards the 
1st type. 

If H will not address your concerns, it's going to be really difficult to for work thru it. What I have come to realize is that in cases like yours, the wife may have the "symptom" but the "problem" is really both yours and H's. Don't know about your H, but if my wife confessed to me feelings like you have, I would be all about getting to work to fix things up. 

This does not have to be a dealbreaker for you guys. it sounds like you are doing a lot of things right.


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## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

He is totally aware of the issue. He keeps up on how I'm feeling. He can see when I am out of whack (more than what's normal anyway.).


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

Give it time with the sobriety thing.

I wasn't as bad as you, but everytime I used to go(3x a week) I would get drunk because it helped my calm my nerves talking to women. That was early on and now I hardly drink when I go out. Dependacy=weakness Moderation=strength


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

CrzyA said:


> He is totally aware of the issue. He keeps up on how I'm feeling. He can see when I am out of whack (more than what's normal anyway.).


Since your H is in tune w/ you, MMSL should help him and you. 

At some point you were attracted to him enough that you married him and were really into him. It seems reasonable that you and could get that spark back.


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## CrzyA (Jan 4, 2012)

Well, a few weeks later and I am still scratching my head wondering what to do. To be honest I think I am ready to move out. However, when I really start to think deeply about it my brain just stops me and tells me that my life would be easier if I stay. The kids will keep the stability of a two parent household, the bills are easier to pay with two incomes, we care for the kids and run them all over the place individually and it works. It's a streamlined process. 

I really hate to disrupt all that. Seems pretty ridiculous but it is how I feel.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

CrzyA said:


> Well, a few weeks later and I am still scratching my head wondering what to do. To be honest I think I am ready to move out. However, when I really start to think deeply about it my brain just stops me and tells me that my life would be easier if I stay. The kids will keep the stability of a two parent household, the bills are easier to pay with two incomes, we care for the kids and run them all over the place individually and it works. It's a streamlined process.
> 
> I really hate to disrupt all that. Seems pretty ridiculous but it is how I feel.


 You are an alcoholic. As an alcoholic you became very selfish and self-centered. It is common for alcoholics to not be in love with anyone or anything but alcohol. It is part of being an alcoholic. Knowing this, the issue is not with your husband, it is with you. You are only 6 months out from drinking. Give yourself time away from alcohol to fall back in love with your husband, your children and yourself again.

Between children and work you and your husband do not spend enough couple time together. You need to find the time. Couple time is when you have fun with each other and do not talk about, the kids, work, or bills. It is funny how when people are dating they find the time to have couple time with people they just met. Yet when they get married, they take the marraige for granted and stop finding the time to stay in love. You shut your husband out with alcohol. You need to give him a chance to get back in.


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## babyz (Feb 2, 2012)

Wow. If it was not for the "3" kids, I'd say we knew each other. I have a good friend who is going through the exact same thing right now. She has opted to leave and go out on her own. She says it's mainly the sex. She feels no passion for him and gives in to sex infrequently and never initiates it. She had several physical affairs during her blackouts. She is definately detached from her passionate side. She obsesses over very little except finding great sex and getting out and starting a new life. And sometimes she seems so ambivilent about leaving him. She too stopped drinking. What I did not see here is you getting real professional advise. Do you see a therapist? Are you on meds - which ones? My only advice is that you take serious stock in what life will be like on your own. Dont just look at the "haves" in your like... What you have is not nearly important as what you won't have after you leave... 
If all else fails get a trial separation. Get a taste of the "have nots" - And get into therapy if you are not already. Stay off the booze... and good luck!


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## sadinsalem (Jan 12, 2012)

I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat relationship wise with my wife. I don't know what it is, she is a great gal, wonderful mom, but i simply do not love her. I don't hate her or anything, it's just I view her as a friend or pal these days. Not sure if you can get it back or not. I know this is not too supportive, but i can empathise with you...


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