# How do I tell my wife that she talks too much?



## toblerone

Sorry. I'm new here and I don't know if this is a common topic of discussion. I checked the first page for a post like this and nothing seemed to match.

Been married about 8 years. She always was a talker, but now I just can't stand it. I have done my best to try ignoring it, but I can't anymore. I just don't know how to approach the subject with any sort of tact without sounding like a huge jerk.

My wife talks way too much. Takes too long, goes into too much detail, and I don't know how to get her to stop.

Whenever she gets home from work (which, I was happy when she got back to work because I was hoping she'd talk to other people besides me), she has to describe for at least 10 minutes straight how her day was, word for word conversations, and background on the goings on of whatever drama is at work.

She will talk all the time like this, to me. 5-10 minutes of talking, with detailed conversations. She cannot just simply say one or two things that happened, she has to give me background and detail.

While I do care about how she's feeling, or how her day was: I really could care less what Molly said about Joan, or what Jean said about work, or who was sick and who got mad about it. 

I just want to tell her to shut up or give me the Reader's Digest version. She's noticed a few times that I'm not listening. It's true: I do ignore her when she's talking sometimes. I have to. I can't keep up with everything she's telling me because she switches subjects or goes on tangents- I would go insane if I actually tried to listen to everything. It's gotten so bad sometimes I start making the 'talking' motion with one of my hands (out of her view) whenever she keeps going.

She will drone on endlessly about whatever thing, and every time I want to tell her something, I feel like it is only a matter of seconds before she needs to interrupt about some stupid thing, or start talking before I can finish what I want to say.

She can go on and on about just about anything. Most of it inconsequential. These aren't conversations. She just talks at me all day. 

On the flipside, I hardly tell her anything about what's going on with me. Do I want to? Sure. But she's made it clear she doesn't care what I have to say, and seems to have less patience at what I have to say than I do with her. I want to tell her about the things I think about, but I might not have a chance to tell her.

Finally, she is _extremely_ defensive. I have avoided trying to tell her because I know instead of us trying to talk through it she's just going to rattle off a half a million things that's going on with her, avoiding what I'm saying and making it sound like excuses.


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## Blondilocks

Petition for equal air time.


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## caruso

toblerone said:


> I start making the 'talking' motion with one of my hands (out of her view) whenever she keeps going.


You make a talking motion with your fingers to yourself?

I could see you doing it to someone else who can relate, and sort of tease her without her knowing. 

But to do it to yourself.. well that's a bit odd.


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## toblerone

caruso said:


> You make a talking motion with your fingers to yourself?
> 
> I could see you doing it to someone else who can relate, and sort of tease her without her knowing.
> 
> But to do it to yourself.. well that's a bit odd.



Haha, I do it when she's talking too much. I don't do it to myself.


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## caruso

toblerone said:


> Haha, I do it when she's talking too much. I don't do it to myself.


No, but you do it BY yourself.


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## Livvie

Is this a behavior change, or has she always been exactly like this?


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## Wolf1974

Not sure how you tell her but after you do can you please come back and post an update of how it went. I can't wait to hear how that goes


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## MrsAldi

She trusts in you that her conversations won't be repeated. 
That's why she talks to you a lot, perhaps. 

Why not sit down and discuss about you having some quiet time? 
Just some alone time for you both to relax. 
Me & my husband do it all the time, I give him loads of space, then he gets bored and wants to talk with me!! 

Say, "I'd love to listen to you but right now, I need some relaxing alone time to unwind, then we can talk later in about an ? time" 
Or "I'm watching sports, can't talk now, but afterwards, I'm all yours!"

Or simply tell her the truth (not a good idea) your constant talking is a turn off for me, can you take your venting somewhere else please. 
I don't recommend saying that unless you want an argument! 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## toblerone

Livvie said:


> Is this a behavior change, or has she always been exactly like this?


She's always been a talker to me because she's introverted. It got worse when she was pregnant a few years ago. Some time ago, it seems worse than _that_. I wouldn't really consider it a behavior change except it keeps getting worse.



Wolf1974 said:


> Not sure how you tell her but after you do can you please come back and post an update of how it went. I can't wait to hear how that goes


Haha. It's exactly that reason why I'm asking for advice how to handle this.



MrsAldi said:


> Or simply tell her the truth (not a good idea) your constant talking is a turn off for me, can you take your venting somewhere else please.


I'll see what I can do about the rest but I quoted this because this is a thing that has happened. There are times I just want to sit next to her and be quiet, maybe hold each other (get naughty). Just sit in quiet. Whenever I try this she starts talking and talking and I just lose interest in being around her.

Another one of her 'conversations' that she always does are the audible to-do lists. As if I'm taking notes on what she's saying. Like "I have to remember to do x", "I have to remember to do Y", "I have to do Z".


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## 225985

My wife is telling a story now. 15 minutes that i could tell in 2 minutes. She is still talking so I decided to read TAM and post. 

Try to multi task. 

If you want sex, pretend to listen. There won't be a quiz afterwards.


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## toblerone

Pretending to listen nets me one night of sex every 4 or so months. Not much of a bargain in my book.


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## Livvie

It sounds your wife may have a bit of a disorder. Sometimes excessive talking can be a sign she's avoiding either life, thoughts or emotions, or connecting with another... much like someone who hums all of the time, it's a brain avoidance mechanism.


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## Prodigal

toblerone said:


> She's always been a talker to me because she's introverted. It got worse when she was pregnant a few years ago. Some time ago, it seems worse than _that_. I wouldn't really consider it a behavior change except it keeps getting worse.


Mind you, this is just my take on your situation, but she may have been VERY talkative during your dating. You may not have noticed as much because you were in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. We tend to be more accepting and ignore stuff when we're still in that I'm-madly-in-love-with-you period. 

I can honestly relate to what you are discussing. I have a gf who is also a widow. We get together on a fairly regular basis. Well, at least we did, until I realized she talked and talked and talked - about herself. Me? I'd bring up something and she bulldoze over it and turn it back to her. I tuned out from hearing the same old blah, blah, blah. Fortunately, I don't have to deal with her on a regular daily basis.

Have you ever told your wife just how you feel? She may go ballistic, but at least it would be out there. She may even resort to giving you the silent treatment, which I'm sure you would consider a blessing. As long as you silently simmer and "listen" to her, she will continue. Just tell her how you feel. I don't think you have any other solution, unless you just get up and walk out of the room. Go sit on the toilet. Walk the dog. Just walk away and see how she reacts.


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## EunuchMonk

Here OP:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7C9MpYs0T8


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## sokillme

Dude, you need to get over this and fast. This is in most woman's nature. It's how she bonds with you it is how you show you are taking care of her. Kind of like when we as men see our wives looking sexy and we want to touch them. If you reject her when she is trying to talk to you (for a whole 10 minutes) it will be like when you go to tough her and she rejects you, pushes you away and acts annoyed. I bet you know how that feels right, not good. It's in our nature to want to physically touch our wives. It's in their nature to want to emotionally touch us.

Suck it up and listen. Try your best to empathize and pay attention. That is part of your job as her husband, you provide emotional stability. If you can do this it will be like 50 bonus points for your marriage. See it for what it is, this is your wife desperately trying to emotionally connect with you. You know what that is a good thing. Better you then the guy at the office who is willing to put in the (10 minutes, I can't get over this :slap. Seriously man this is one of the big ones we as men need to get.

If you are lacking in the sex, then that is something you need to address with her.


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## EunuchMonk

Yea, ten minutes isn't much. I remember one guy saying if he didn't prevent it his wife would tell him how her day went in real time.


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## becareful2

toblerone said:


> Pretending to listen nets me one night of sex every 4 or so months. Not much of a bargain in my book.


So she grates your earholes and neglects you sexually? Fantastic.


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## aine

Most women like to talk to their husbands and 'be heard' too. It is an important part of the relationship. Many men have difficulty in holding attention for long and are appear quite dismissive unless they are looking for something. 

For years I was not heard by my H, but he could go on and on about his work etc. As a result I shut down and now rarely tell him anything. He now says I don't talk to him, this is what will happen to your W. not a good place to be.
Remember, marriage is not all about you. You have to have a happy medium.


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## heartsbeating

toblerone said:


> Finally, she is _extremely_ defensive. I have avoided trying to tell her because I know instead of us trying to talk through it she's just going to rattle off a half a million things that's going on with her, avoiding what I'm saying and making it sound like excuses.


How do you know if you have avoided it?

I can be a 'details' person at times. My husband has also referred to me as being like a Tarantino movie... starting with the middle, then back to the beginning, maybe a twist, then to the point. He has asked if certain details are relevant to the story. I don't take it personally - I'd rather the honesty. I've learned he's interested if it impacts me directly and/or if there's something I can do about it. He's interested in my thoughts and actions but not the details of others. I'm okay with this! The honesty from his perspective is something I can respect. I don't feel emotionally rejected. I'd rather know where I stand than have him pretend or end up making hand-signals in the background. When he listens, he gives and shows me his full attention. No distractions. He expects this of me too and shares in return. 

What has been helpful to me, and our marriage, is recognizing when I 'need' to process the detail which happens more if I've not dealt with something in the moment. I had a bunch of detailed observations running through my mind after the weekend. While I told my husband the overview of how I felt, I shared the details with a friend and mentor. It was beneficial to me as she could relate, shared her details too and how she's learning to deal with it.


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## EleGirl

toblerone said:


> Another one of her 'conversations' that she always does are the audible to-do lists. As if I'm taking notes on what she's saying. Like "I have to remember to do x", "I have to remember to do Y", "I have to do Z".


Is this her to-do list? Or a to-do list of things she wants you to do?

My ex used to do this about his own mental to-do list. I started handing him a pen and paper and told him to write them down so he'd remember. It worked.


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## EleGirl

Besides her talking your ears off, what other things do the two of you do together on a daily/weekly basis? I'm talking about date-like things, just the two of you getting quality time together?


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## Prodigal

toblerone said:


> She was a talker, but now I just can't stand it. I have done my best to try ignoring it, but I can't anymore.
> 
> My wife talks way too much. Takes too long, goes into too much detail, and I don't know how to get her to stop.
> 
> She will talk all the time like this, to me. 5-10 minutes of talking, with detailed conversations. She cannot just simply say one or two things that happened, she has to give me background and detail.
> 
> I just want to tell her to shut up or give me the Reader's Digest version. ... It's gotten so bad sometimes I start making the 'talking' motion with one of my hands (out of her view) whenever she keeps going.
> 
> She will drone on endlessly about whatever thing, and every time I want to tell her something, I feel like it is only a matter of seconds before she needs to interrupt about some stupid thing, or start talking before I can finish what I want to say.
> 
> On the flipside, I hardly tell her anything about what's going on with me. Do I want to? Sure. But she's made it clear she doesn't care what I have to say ...


^^THIS.^^

I just reread your post and this stood out to me.

There is a lot more going on here than you tuning her out and thinking she talks too much. You are resentful. She seems to be oblivious. You are pulling passive-aggressive nonsense like making the motion with your hands.

So what is it that really sucks about your marriage ... besides her mouth?


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## Blondilocks

An introvert who talks too much. That's a good one. Seriously, she is doing all of this talking for a reason. Your job is to unearth the why. Some people blab on when they are nervous or stressed or use it as a tool to put people off or any one of several reasons. Find out what her bag is.


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## EleGirl

Blondilocks said:


> An introvert who talks too much. That's a good one. Seriously, she is doing all of this talking for a reason. Your job is to unearth the why. Some people blab on when they are nervous or stressed or use it as a tool to put people off or any one of several reasons. Find out what her bag is.


Yep.. there is a reason. That's why I asked the questions I did.

She sounds starved for intimate connection. That's my bet.


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## Personal

...


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## WorkingOnMe

Sex every 4 months? Ya I'd lose interest in her too. But it wouldn't be an issue cause I'd be out on the town without her. No sex = no time or attention given. Why bother?


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## Vega

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sex every 4 months? Ya I'd lose interest in her too.


Maybe the reason why she's not having sex with him is because she KNOWS that he's not really listening to her for that 5-10 minutes. 

No connection OUTSIDE of the bedroom often leads to no connection INSIDE of the bedroom.


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## NextTimeAround

I feel like I used to be like your wife, OP. Here are some suggestions:

1. She needs other outlets. One is to find a message board online that she can relate. That's one place to let off some steam. (that's why I'm here).
But also, a real life friend would be good. Those are harder to find because 1) they need to be of like mind and 2) they need to be discrete. But she should be on the lookout for one. The other is to get a therapist; join a self-help group where at the very least, she will have to learn how to share the floor with other talkers.

2. You need to tell her about this problem. My marriage collapsed, in part I believe, because I treated my husband like a girlfriend, saying whatever came into my head. It's also a real loss of the mystery that's needed to keep a marriage together.

3. I wonder how she really is with other people. I found that giving out a lot of detail about myself put me at a disadvantage. People knew more about me than vice versa. That became uncomfortable. The things that you say can also be used against you ie " well, I'm not surprised that your project failed, you've said before that you don't get along with the other person on the team" and so on.

4. If you want to get a word in edgewise tell her. And everytime she interrupts you, point it out to her.


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## becareful2

EleGirl said:


> Yep.. there is a reason. That's why I asked the questions I did.
> 
> She sounds starved for intimate connection. That's my bet.


Find out if she talks that much at work or if she just keeps to herself and then unloads on you when she gets home.


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## MattMatt

@toblerone There are 24 hours in a day. That's 1,440 minutes.

Over five working days that is 7,200 minutes.

And, from what you say, your wife wants just 10 minutes per working day to share her working life with you.

Which is 50 minutes per working week.

You begrudge listening to your wife for just 50 minutes out of those 1,440 minutes? :scratchhead:

Why? Is it because you find her boring? _Or is it because you are, in fact, the boring one in your relationship?_ 

And that you are such a mindblowingly insular, crushing bore that you cannot leave your own little "Me! Me! Me!" bubble for just ten minutes a day?

A man listens to his wife.

But what kind of a person says to himself: "Not fair! I don't care about your life! I wanna talk about _*my*_ life!"

Please look at this cartoon. Are you closer to Linus or are you closer to Lucy in your marriage?


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## MattMatt

Blondilocks said:


> An introvert who talks too much. That's a good one. Seriously, she is doing all of this talking for a reason. Your job is to unearth the why. Some people blab on when they are nervous or stressed or use it as a tool to put people off or any one of several reasons. Find out what her bag is.


It's because she is interested in her life so wants to share it with him. Yet he couldn't give a rat's rear quarters for her life or what she finds interesting.

Why? It's my guess he has no fellowfeel.

And perhaps should not be in a relationship of any kind.

And introverts can talk a good deal. It's by way of a coping mechanism.


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## Starstarfish

So you married a woman who was always talkative and now 8 years later you want to know how you can either directly or indirectly (with the passive-aggressive hand gestures and mocking) change who she is because you don't like it?



> But also, a real life friend would be good. Those are harder to find because 1) they need to be of like mind and 2) they need to be discrete. But she should be on the lookout for one.
> 
> 2. You need to tell her about this problem. My marriage collapsed, in part I believe, because I treated my husband like a girlfriend, saying whatever came into my head. It's also a real loss of the mystery that's needed to keep a marriage together.


I'm going to respectfully disagree here. Her liking to talk doesn't mean she's mentally ill or deficient or needs to get a therapist or join a self-help group. Why can't women do things that male posters don't always like or enjoy without the implication they are broken, or mentally ill, or need help of some kind?

If you need to find an outside source to validate you because your spouse can't be bothered, because talking to you or hearing about you is boring or bothering to them, telling them to turn to a website or to find a friend will easily turn into her finding someone else to talk to - possibly another man at work who won't find her boring. That's the stuff that "work marriages" and EAs are ripe for. This woman likes to talk and needs to talk, it might be a legitimate emotional need for her. Telling her to "go find that somewhere else" is no less fair or right than telling a poster who wants/needs more sex to "go get it somewhere else."

She probably knows you are pretending to listen, and she might have even caught the hand-gestures out of the corner of her eye. 

You don't want to take 10 minutes to listen to her, but expect her to take the 10 minutes regularly to have sex. I'm guessing the two issues here go hand in hand. You can't be bothered with what she needs or wants and find her boring, why would that equal sex?


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## knightRider

That reminds me, in the 80s, Run DMC had a song, "You Talk Too Much". You could play her that :smile2:


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## MattMatt

Moderator note: Please keep this thread civilised, OK?


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## knightRider

MattMatt said:


> Moderator note: Please keep this thread civilised, OK?


Jokes not allowed? - If you're referring to me?
If so, please remove.


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## Livvie

I got the impression that it's not 10 minutes total just after work, but the talking is also continual and that when it happens it's 10 minute monologues. With a refusal to ever listen to him. OP can you clarify?


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## MattMatt

knightRider said:


> Jokes not allowed? - If you're referring to me?
> If so, please remove.


A post that was not in line with board rules was deleted.

Jokes are allowed.


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## SimplyAmorous

sokillme said:


> Dude, you need to get over this and fast. This is in most woman's nature. It's how she bonds with you it is how you show you are taking care of her. Kind of like when we as men see our wives looking sexy and we want to touch them. If you reject her when she is trying to talk to you (for a whole 10 minutes) it will be like when you go to tough her and she rejects you, pushes you away and acts annoyed. I bet you know how that feels right, not good. It's in our nature to want to physically touch our wives. It's in their nature to want to emotionally touch us.
> 
> Suck it up and listen. Try your best to empathize and pay attention. That is part of your job as her husband, you provide emotional stability. If you can do this it will be like 50 bonus points for your marriage. See it for what it is, this is your wife desperately trying to emotionally connect with you. You know what that is a good thing. Better you then the guy at the office who is willing to put in the (10 minutes, I can't get over this :slap. Seriously man this is one of the big ones we as men need to get.
> 
> If you are lacking in the sex, then that is something you need to address with her.


IF his wife was reasonable here.. not rambling on & on & on & on.. I would agree with you.. yes.. we wives feel loved & validated by our husband's listening.. but SHE is out of control.. I have met women like this.. and lordy be.. I can't wait to get away from them... I start getting antsy - to the point I just need an exit plan... and then... "RELIEF"! ....They do not stop yapping. I don't want to hear how you changed your living room around for the 3rd time this month (wow that is so exciting!)... or every little detail about this or that.. it's too much.. 

Yrs ago.. I did a thread here -basically on the same subject... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social...tter-just-dump-ignore-friendship-instead.html It didn't many replies .... but I Do get where @toblerone is coming from.. Sounds if she was reasonable here.. had a healthy "give & take" (how very important !)... they'd have a far better intimate connection... 

Someone has to be honest with her... and curb this.. for her own well being... she needs sat down... this needing hashed out....

I'm sure most of those in her life, including co-workers, just want to run when they see her coming....

Here is where I might focus on... after all an engaging "give & take" where both are wanting to be there, feeding off of each other is highly enjoyable, there is laughter, sometimes sitting on the edge of your chair even... if she could work on - "stopping"- asking herself, is this person before her "really interested" in what she wants to go on about... if not.. STOP !! Would she be interested.. the answer is probably NO.. since she has cut YOU off many a times , then starts rambling again ...

I even think it's healthy to ask, before going on about something.. Her learning how to incorporate *"Open ended questions"*.. seeking you out, how you feel.. would be very helpful here...but again.. she has to hear you.. and see the value in this.. I did a thread on this aspect of communication... maybe you could focus here -in opening up the dialog...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html

When you initially do this.. you want to express how much you love her.. how you WANT to have intimate conversation to build upon your emotional connection... express how this IS important for you too, it's not like you are just saying "Shut up" here... you want interaction.... but you don't need to hear every minute detail/ and her co-workers conversations... It's simply too much !! It would be for anyone.. we have nothing to do with those things.. Basically... you DO NOT want to hear the book version of any story.. but *a very condensed version *of "Spark notes"... 

Though it's healthy to share your day with your spouse, to some degree....this is how we are... *it's about the "HIGHLIGHTS"*.. if there was something juicy, hilarious, some new Drama, it's enjoyable to share those things, if he needs to vent a little.. if I do... he wants to hear.. I want to hear.... I ASK about his day.. he asks about mine... again.. about that healthy "give & take".. this will only enhance all of our relationships.. 

Does she ever Stop.. and ask about Your day.. HOW YOU FEEL in any given situation?


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## Mr. Nail

Jumping in without reading everything. Get his needs her needs and read the chapter on intimate conversation. She needs it and isn't getting enough.

Blondie has a good point, I do the same thing. I talk about gossip when I'm afraid to open up about what is really bothering me. I just want to agree about something, anything. 

I think she will talk less (for shorter runs) if you turn and face her and give her your full attention, also ask questions like, how do you feel about that?

Introverts do talk a lot when they are in a safe place. She needs you to be that safe place. If you tell her she talks too much you will take away her safe place.


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## lucy999

I am a talker, too. And I get pretty descriptive when I talk. I think the onus is on me, when telling my boyfriend a story, to read his visual cues to see when he tunes out. That's when I wrap it up. I think the onus should be on your wife to do this, as well. Have you ever tried taking her hand, looking in your eyes, and saying, "honey, I've had a hard day. I am all talked out. I need a bit of quiet time right now. Can we table this until later?" Do you think that would work?

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

SimplyAmorous said:


> IF his wife was reasonable here.. not rambling on & on & on & on.. I would agree with you.. yes.. we wives feel loved & validated by our husband's listening.. but SHE is out of control.. I have met women like this.. and lordy be.. I can't wait to get away from them... I start getting antsy - to the point I just need an exit plan... and then... "RELIEF"! ....They do not stop yapping. I don't want to hear how you changed your living room around for the 3rd time this month (wow that is so exciting!)... or every little detail about this or that.. it's too much..
> 
> Yrs ago.. I did a thread here -basically on the same subject... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social...tter-just-dump-ignore-friendship-instead.html It didn't many replies .... but I Do get where @toblerone is coming from.. Sounds if she was reasonable here.. had a healthy "give & take" (how very important !)... they'd have a far better intimate connection...
> 
> Someone has to be honest with her... and curb this.. for her own well being... she needs sat down... this needing hashed out....
> 
> I'm sure most of those in her life, including co-workers, just want to run when they see her coming....
> 
> Here is where I might focus on... after all an engaging "give & take" where both are wanting to be there, feeding off of each other is highly enjoyable, there is laughter, sometimes sitting on the edge of your chair even... if she could work on - "stopping"- asking herself, is this person before her "really interested" in what she wants to go on about... if not.. STOP !! Would she be interested.. the answer is probably NO.. since she has cut YOU off many a times , then starts rambling again ...
> 
> I even think it's healthy to ask, before going on about something.. Her learning how to incorporate *"Open ended questions"*.. seeking you out, how you feel.. would be very helpful here...but again.. she has to hear you.. and see the value in this.. I did a thread on this aspect of communication... maybe you could focus here -in opening up the dialog...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html
> 
> When you initially do this.. you want to express how much you love her.. how you WANT to have intimate conversation to build upon your emotional connection... express how this IS important for you too, it's not like you are just saying "Shut up" here... you want interaction.... but you don't need to hear every minute detail/ and her co-workers conversations... It's simply too much !! It would be for anyone.. we have nothing to do with those things.. Basically... you DO NOT want to hear the book version of any story.. but *a very condensed version *of "Spark notes"...
> 
> Though it's healthy to share your day with your spouse, to some degree....this is how we are... *it's about the "HIGHLIGHTS"*.. if there was something juicy, hilarious, some new Drama, it's enjoyable to share those things, if he needs to vent a little.. if I do... he wants to hear.. I want to hear.... I ASK about his day.. he asks about mine... again.. about that healthy "give & take".. this will only enhance all of our relationships..
> 
> Does she ever Stop.. and ask about Your day.. HOW YOU FEEL in any given situation?


I would agree if it were a hour or more each day.

10 minutes of listening a day is not too much to ask.


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## MattMatt

farsidejunky said:


> I would agree if it were a hour or more each day.
> 
> 10 minutes of listening a day is not too much to ask.


I get the impression that he maybe doesn't respect his wife?

If he respected her, maybe he'd listen more.

But why listen to someone who is not respected, eh?


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## CuriousBlue

I think men and women are just wired differently. And, some men are also wired differently from other men.

So, best thing is to find someone, man or woman who is wired like you are. Or at least close.

If you are in a mis-match, must be very very careful how you bring it up.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Sex every 4 months is a far bigger issue here. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## Tatsuhiko

Boy I get what you say. Especially the part about tangents. Those hurt the most. My wife will start into a little story, then there's a "oh, that reminds me" which leads to a sub-story before story can be finished. But the telling of sub-story involves a particular person and so that I understand the background better, she first needs to relate a sub-sub-story about the person before getting back to the sub-story. It's like one long elaborate computer program that's never going to stop running. 

But I think you just need to buck it up and listen as best you can. If you hear a detail that sounds interesting to you, ask more about it just to keep yourself engaged. It's a challenge. The bigger problem, though, is why can't she be intimate with you?


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## Lila

Tatsuhiko said:


> Boy I get what you say. Especially the part about tangents. Those hurt the most. My wife will start into a little story, then there's a "oh, that reminds me" which leads to a sub-story before story can be finished. But the telling of sub-story involves a particular person and so that I understand the background better, she first needs to relate a sub-sub-story about the person before getting back to the sub-story. It's like one long elaborate computer program that's never going to stop running.
> 
> But I think you just need to buck it up and listen as best you can. If you hear a detail that sounds interesting to you, ask more about it just to keep yourself engaged. It's a challenge. The bigger problem, though, is why can't she be intimate with you?


Your wife sounds a lot like me. My husband has finally gotten used it. Now it's the hanging plots, a.k.a. Canterbury Tales, that drive him nuts. These are the stories where I've gone so far on a tangent as to forget what the original story was about. He calls those my 'squirrel' moments 
----------------------------
On a serious note, OP be careful what you ask for. You could end up in a situation like mine where I stopped sharing anything about my life with my husband. I recognized that he wasn't listening so I stopped talking. He was shocked when at MC he couldn't answer the simplest questions about me. Sometimes you just have to accept the bad that comes with the good. It's just part of the person you married. 

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## WorkingOnMe

He's detached. It's not surprising. If they were intimate he'd be more interested.


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## sokillme

SimplyAmorous said:


> IF his wife was reasonable here.. not rambling on & on & on & on.. I would agree with you.. yes.. we wives feel loved & validated by our husband's listening.. but SHE is out of control.. I have met women like this.. and lordy be.. I can't wait to get away from them... I start getting antsy - to the point I just need an exit plan... and then... "RELIEF"! ....They do not stop yapping. I don't want to hear how you changed your living room around for the 3rd time this month (wow that is so exciting!)... or every little detail about this or that.. it's too much..
> 
> Yrs ago.. I did a thread here -basically on the same subject... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/social...tter-just-dump-ignore-friendship-instead.html It didn't many replies .... but I Do get where @toblerone is coming from.. Sounds if she was reasonable here.. had a healthy "give & take" (how very important !)... they'd have a far better intimate connection...
> 
> Someone has to be honest with her... and curb this.. for her own well being... she needs sat down... this needing hashed out....
> 
> I'm sure most of those in her life, including co-workers, just want to run when they see her coming....
> 
> Here is where I might focus on... after all an engaging "give & take" where both are wanting to be there, feeding off of each other is highly enjoyable, there is laughter, sometimes sitting on the edge of your chair even... if she could work on - "stopping"- asking herself, is this person before her "really interested" in what she wants to go on about... if not.. STOP !! Would she be interested.. the answer is probably NO.. since she has cut YOU off many a times , then starts rambling again ...
> 
> I even think it's healthy to ask, before going on about something.. Her learning how to incorporate *"Open ended questions"*.. seeking you out, how you feel.. would be very helpful here...but again.. she has to hear you.. and see the value in this.. I did a thread on this aspect of communication... maybe you could focus here -in opening up the dialog...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html
> 
> When you initially do this.. you want to express how much you love her.. how you WANT to have intimate conversation to build upon your emotional connection... express how this IS important for you too, it's not like you are just saying "Shut up" here... you want interaction.... but you don't need to hear every minute detail/ and her co-workers conversations... It's simply too much !! It would be for anyone.. we have nothing to do with those things.. Basically... you DO NOT want to hear the book version of any story.. but *a very condensed version *of "Spark notes"...
> 
> Though it's healthy to share your day with your spouse, to some degree....this is how we are... *it's about the "HIGHLIGHTS"*.. if there was something juicy, hilarious, some new Drama, it's enjoyable to share those things, if he needs to vent a little.. if I do... he wants to hear.. I want to hear.... I ASK about his day.. he asks about mine... again.. about that healthy "give & take".. this will only enhance all of our relationships..
> 
> Does she ever Stop.. and ask about Your day.. HOW YOU FEEL in any given situation?


How do you know she is rambling on and on though, it's 10 minutes. I think his bigger problems are she doesn't want to hear about his day and she doesn't have sex with him.


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## sokillme

Tatsuhiko said:


> Boy I get what you say. Especially the part about tangents. Those hurt the most. My wife will start into a little story, then there's a "oh, that reminds me" which leads to a sub-story before story can be finished. But the telling of sub-story involves a particular person and so that I understand the background better, she first needs to relate a sub-sub-story about the person before getting back to the sub-story. It's like one long elaborate computer program that's never going to stop running.
> 
> But I think you just need to buck it up and listen as best you can. If you hear a detail that sounds interesting to you, ask more about it just to keep yourself engaged. It's a challenge. The bigger problem, though, is why can't she be intimate with you?




Like so


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## VermisciousKnid

Ten minutes is nothing. My wife can talk about her day for an hour and I pay attention and am interested. But she doesn't talk about stupid stuff. If she was talking about Real Housewives or Kardashians I'd tap out in 30 seconds. Fortunately she doesn't waste her time on crap of that sort.


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## toblerone

WorkingOnMe said:


> He's detached. It's not surprising. If they were intimate he'd be more interested.


I sort of feel that if we were more intimate I would have had been able to bring up how her talking affects me to her, and not to here.

I have tried to be a good listener for a long time, but I just can't keep up these days.



MattMatt said:


> It's because she is interested in her life so wants to share it with him. Yet he couldn't give a rat's rear quarters for her life or what she finds interesting.



I'm sorry you must have completely glossed over the part where I have been listening for years and she hardly has time for anything I have to say at all. 

I barely talk to her these days. When I do, I get interrupted. I am not given the time to finish what I want to say. I don't tell her anything about what I like or what I like to do unless I'm feeling tired or sick.



Livvie said:


> I got the impression that it's not 10 minutes total just after work, but the talking is also continual and that when it happens it's 10 minute monologues. With a refusal to ever listen to him. OP can you clarify?


Yes. This is mostly the case.


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## MattMatt

toblerone said:


> I sort of feel that if we were more intimate I would have had been able to bring up how her talking affects me to her, and not to here.
> 
> I have tried to be a good listener for a long time, but I just can't keep up these days.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sorry you must have completely glossed over the part where I have been listening for years and she hardly has time for anything I have to say at all.
> 
> I barely talk to her these days. When I do, I get interrupted. I am not given the time to finish what I want to say. I don't tell her anything about what I like or what I like to do unless I'm feeling tired or sick.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes. This is mostly the case.


I am living your life.

My wife talks all the time. We have been together for 27 years.

You can learn how to cope with it.

It's not easy, goodness knows.


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## MrsAldi

@toblerone
May I ask who initates intimacy etc? 
Is it you or her? 

Once every 4 months isn't very good at all. 
Without sex at least once a week, your marriage will develop more issues than just talking, perhaps already you are getting some resentment towards her. 

What about getting some couples counseling, at least you'll get a chance to have your say in the counsellor's office! 

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## toblerone

MrsAldi said:


> @toblerone
> May I ask who initates intimacy etc?
> Is it you or her?
> 
> Once every 4 months isn't very good at all.
> Without sex at least once a week, your marriage will develop more issues than just talking, perhaps already you are getting some resentment towards her.


If by initiating intimacy you just mean being close, holding, kissing, etc. It was always me. If by initiating intimacy you mean as a lead-in to sex, I used to, but I just don't bother anymore because I'd always get shot down. These days, she lets me know she's in the mood by putting something sexy on under a robe or something and then tries to vocally get my attention.


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## Blondilocks

Have you tried marriage counseling? It will be a safe place for you both to explore your interactions and desires.


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## SimplyAmorous

sokillme said:


> How do you know she is rambling on and on though, it's 10 minutes. I think his bigger problems are she doesn't want to hear about his day and she doesn't have sex with him.


 Reading his opening post.. it didn't sound like just 10 minutes a day... but many 10 minutes non stop.. that is how I read it.. when he said this.. "She will talk all the time like this, to me. 5-10 minutes of talking, with detailed conversations. She cannot just simply say one or two things that happened, she has to give me background and detail."... then added " "These aren't conversations. She just talks at me all day. "

Look maybe the guy IS exaggerating.. but I think she sounds exhaustive !.. that's my opinion of what he laid out here..... she is not here to give her side of course.. 

I surely agree with the others..this man is in a sexless marriage...it's not OK in any way.. THIS isn't helping him want to hear her either...(I get that)... can't she see how she is affecting him? She must not be all that angry with him.. to keep talking to him though.. ..

Now if he wanted sex 3 times a day in comparison. he would be looked upon like a monster.. but she can rattle on & on & on.. with most everyone here defending her... I feel the woman needs more "give & take"... to pull him into these conversations.. and obviously care more about her man's needs, on top of that.. 




farsidejunky said:


> I would agree if it were a hour or more each day.
> 
> 10 minutes of listening a day is not too much to ask.


But it sounds like a day could = an hour or more of this.. repeating myself here... but these are his words... 



> "She will drone on endlessly about whatever thing, and every time I want to tell her something, I feel like it is only a matter of seconds before she needs to interrupt about some stupid thing, or start talking before I can finish what I want to say.
> 
> She can go on and on about just about anything. Most of it inconsequential. These aren't conversations. She just talks at me *all day. *
> 
> On the flipside, I hardly tell her anything about what's going on with me. Do I want to? Sure. But she's made it clear she doesn't care what I have to say, and seems to have less patience at what I have to say than I do with her. I want to tell her about the things I think about, but I might not have a chance to tell her.
> 
> Finally, she is extremely defensive.


The question is... IS HE EXAGGERATING or would someone else say this about her too ? He said he wants to tell her about the things HE thinks about.. but doesn't get the opportunity.. that's pathetic.. why doesn't she ask him.. this is where I am coming from...


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## MrsAldi

toblerone said:


> If by initiating intimacy you just mean being close, holding, kissing, etc. It was always me. If by initiating intimacy you mean as a lead-in to sex, I used to, but I just don't bother anymore because I'd always get shot down.


What are her reasons for not wanting sex? 
Surely she talks about this?
You feel like she's rejecting you, but try to understand the reason and make some changes. 



> These days, she lets me know she's in the mood by putting something sexy on under a robe or something and then tries to vocally get my attention.


So ask her to do this more often. Are you rejecting her back these days because you were hurt? 



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## toblerone

All day is an exaggeration, for sure. But she will just start talking for sustained periods of time about the most random things. _Other_ people I know who know her say this about her too. "Boy, she sure is a talker....". Also I keep on forgetting that it is probably a learned behavior between how her parents talk, too.

But the thing is that she is still pretty introverted, and it takes her a while to open up to that point to certain people. 

I'm torn on a lot of this myself and it's difficult to talk about and I am really sorry for making this sound really one-sided. On the other hand, I really need a place (here) where I can express some of the things that are going through my head and look for advice on how to handle.

Despite how much she talks, I still do ask her how things are, how her day was, etc. But she doesn't ask how things are going for me. 

Again, these aren't conversations to me, and I can't say it enough: she talks _at_ me. These aren't things she wants my input on. These aren't things I really need to know. It's great that she wants to tell me things, but I don't need to know all of it.

I could still listen to her more if she used less words to get her point across. There's too much filler, too much talking in circles. I can't keep up and I can't even keep track of what the point is sometimes. I'm sure I _should_ have more patience, but I've run out of it. I'm sure that my lack of patience is more visible these days, and I'm sure that could be contributing to some of her over-talking.

Sometimes what she tells me is just so baffling I don't know how to react. Here's a nearly word-for-word example of a conversation we had:

Her: In the bottom shelf of the cabinet. In the playroom. Upstairs.
Me: What?
Her: The hair ties. Can you get me one?
Me: Where are they?

I'm really confused because I have no idea where she's going with the first part. There's no point of reference here. So when I give her a confused response, she finally tells me what she wants. By the time she actually tells me what she wants, I've already forgotten where she told me where it was. Why isn't she telling me what she wants first and then tell me where it is if I ask?

This isn't an everyday situation, but it has happened more than once.

Another thing that really annoys me is that she doesn't make it clear who she's talking to. I could be doing something else, within earshot of her with our child and she could be talking to child, and then all of a sudden say something directed towards me but she's not giving any vocal indication that she's switched who she's talking to.

I guess that could be my fault for not realizing that when she says our child needs more pull-ups, it's directed towards me- but I wasn't a part of that conversation in the first place, so how could I possibly know to start listening at that point in time?


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## toblerone

MrsAldi said:


> What are her reasons for not wanting sex?
> Surely she talks about this?
> You feel like she's rejecting you, but try to understand the reason and make some changes.


She's had a rough day and she just wants to relax and watch TV.

I understand some of the reasons. I've tried to make that better for her. I could sure as heck do a lot better job of it. Some of it she needs to do (or not do) on her own, too.




> So ask her to do this more often. Are you rejecting her back these days because you were hurt?


No, I am not rejecting her. I am afraid to bring up any subject regarding sex unless we've just had it because I'm afraid she'll get self-conscious and we'll have less sex.


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## Begin again

I feel for you. As a female, I can talk, but I try hard to listen and really don't like female friends who talk non stop. And this was an issue for me and my soon to be ex. He would give me all kinds of details about people at work and projects or baseball stats. I did actually recommend to him that he learn to tell shorter stories. I even asked him not to go on about professional sports, as I have no interest. It did help a bit. 

Sounds to me like she needs a female friend to talk to. This is more than a habit. It's a personality trait, and one you won't change easily.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again

toblerone said:


> All day is an exaggeration, for sure. But she will just start talking for sustained periods of time about the most random things. _Other_ people I know who know her say this about her too. "Boy, she sure is a talker....". Also I keep on forgetting that it is probably a learned behavior between how her parents talk, too.
> 
> But the thing is that she is still pretty introverted, and it takes her a while to open up to that point to certain people.
> 
> I'm torn on a lot of this myself and it's difficult to talk about and I am really sorry for making this sound really one-sided. On the other hand, I really need a place (here) where I can express some of the things that are going through my head and look for advice on how to handle.
> 
> Despite how much she talks, I still do ask her how things are, how her day was, etc. But she doesn't ask how things are going for me.
> 
> Again, these aren't conversations to me, and I can't say it enough: she talks _at_ me. These aren't things she wants my input on. These aren't things I really need to know. It's great that she wants to tell me things, but I don't need to know all of it.
> 
> I could still listen to her more if she used less words to get her point across. There's too much filler, too much talking in circles. I can't keep up and I can't even keep track of what the point is sometimes. I'm sure I _should_ have more patience, but I've run out of it. I'm sure that my lack of patience is more visible these days, and I'm sure that could be contributing to some of her over-talking.
> 
> Sometimes what she tells me is just so baffling I don't know how to react. Here's a nearly word-for-word example of a conversation we had:
> 
> Her: In the bottom shelf of the cabinet. In the playroom. Upstairs.
> Me: What?
> Her: The hair ties. Can you get me one?
> Me: Where are they?
> 
> I'm really confused because I have no idea where she's going with the first part. There's no point of reference here. So when I give her a confused response, she finally tells me what she wants. By the time she actually tells me what she wants, I've already forgotten where she told me where it was. Why isn't she telling me what she wants first and then tell me where it is if I ask?
> 
> This isn't an everyday situation, but it has happened more than once.
> 
> Another thing that really annoys me is that she doesn't make it clear who she's talking to. I could be doing something else, within earshot of her with our child and she could be talking to child, and then all of a sudden say something directed towards me but she's not giving any vocal indication that she's switched who she's talking to.
> 
> I guess that could be my fault for not realizing that when she says our child needs more pull-ups, it's directed towards me- but I wasn't a part of that conversation in the first place, so how could I possibly know to start listening at that point in time?


She sounds a lot like my husband!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DustyDog

Sounds like my wife.

When she talks, does she actually express her opinions? Mine does not!!! She re-tells conversations, word for word, over-emphasizing vocal inflections. I hear mostly about unpleasant conversations. With help from a counselor, and using my own modest counseling skills, I've realized she does not trust herself - her emotions, her decisions, anything. She has zero self-respect or esteem, and therefore, feels she is not permitted to have or express an opionion. Apparently, this comes from a combination of her childhood religion and exonerations from the parents to be quiet when adults were in the room.

For people who ramble on and on and on, sometimes they do so because "coming to a conclusion" requires them to insert their opinion - which they can't bring themselve to do.

Still others (I think of a friend, Chuck) keep taking more and more side-trips...is this your wife? I have figured out how to handle this one.

Me: So, Chuck, you once did wedding photography. I've been thinking about that as a side income. Any advice?

Chuck: Oh, well, I didn't intentionally get into it. A friend asked me to photograph his wedding. Al's been a friend for 20 years, we used to go boating together, he had this great 20 foot sailboat that he kept in a 

Me, interrupting: Chuck, what about wedding photography?

Chuck: Al asked me to photograph his wedding, so I said OK. I took three cameras, one of them was this little Nikon, wish I could find one like that again. Smallest camera I've ever seen that could do what it did. Anyway, I took photos at Al's wedding. His bride to be wore a champaign-colored dress, I thought it was kind of too see-through. I have to talk to my daughters about this all the time, I don't think they'll get raped or anything, but they should worry about their reputations. People don't think about their reputations...

Me, interrupting: So, how about photographing Al's wedding?

Chuck: I was worried that if I used flash, his brides dress would expose too much...


Notice that I felt I had to let him go on side-trips, whatever's in him that causes it has to be relased from time to time. So, the side-trip about the bride's dress, I figured, was OK, but then he side-tripped to his daughter's garb, then side-tripped to people's reputations, so I brought him back.

In my experience, people who side-trip like this repeatedly actually are OK with you steering them back to where they started from.


But...I tried it with my wife - and she clammed up. She wasn't really going on side-trips, she just kept adding more and more detail, and I'd ask "so what's your opinion of the whole thing?" and she simply could not answer...doesn't feel she has the right to have an opinion!

I found a few useful articles by searching the web for "how to handle people who can't stop talking" and "how to handle people who ramble" and an article called "The Awkward Human Survival Guide". There are good tips in all of them, but IMO, if you can figure out the underlying drivers why she goes on and on, that might help better.

Good luck!


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## toblerone

She talks about her feelings a lot. She talks about things that are personally happening with her that are upsetting her and those things I listen intently to, and I share my opinions or thoughts on her situation when I feel my contributions are requested and have any value. Though, a lot of the time I do tend to keep quiet and just wait for her to reach an opinion that I've agreed with (but would be a jerk for me to say earlier) and then agree.

I can't help her with all of that stuff. Some of the stuff is not my place to help out with.

That stuff: I don't mind. That stuff feels like she's opening up to me. Sure, it is frustrating that I am just a sounding board most of the time in those circumstances (then again who am I to say I'd have a helpful suggestion) but the things that drive me absolutely crazy are when she talks just to talk.



> I've realized she does not trust herself - her emotions, her decisions, anything. She has zero self-respect or esteem


I do think that this is a big thing with her too.


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## caruso

I've met women like this.

They jibber jabber off the charts not really caring if anyone is actually absorbing what they're saying as long as they've got a captive audience and forget about them shutting up for 30 seconds to listen to what the other person might have to say.

It's the height of selfishness and it's potentially driven by high anxiety.

I'm not recommending you do this because it's probably illegal but I wonder what would happen if you dropped a xanax in her Cheerios one morning.


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## toblerone

She has anxiety medication that she has not taken yet.


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## caruso

toblerone said:


> She has anxiety medication that she has not taken yet.


Well there ya go. I suspected as much. The answer has been there the entire time.


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## Prodigal

She needs to start taking the medication. When I got anxious, I would run at the mouth as a way to calm myself. Could be your wife is doing the same thing. After two weeks, I calmed down and quit running my mouth. Has she told you why she won't take the medication?


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## caruso

Prodigal said:


> She needs to start taking the medication. When I got anxious, I would run at the mouth as a way to calm myself. Could be your wife is doing the same thing. After two weeks, I calmed down and quit running my mouth. Has she told you why she won't take the medication?


If she didnt tell him why she won't take the medications that would treat the condition that is causing her to constantly tell him everything about her daily life, that's like the height of irony


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## sokillme

toblerone said:


> Her: In the bottom shelf of the cabinet. In the playroom. Upstairs.
> Me: What?
> Her: The hair ties. Can you get me one?
> Me: Where are they?


timewarp


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## toblerone

Prodigal said:


> She needs to start taking the medication. When I got anxious, I would run at the mouth as a way to calm myself. Could be your wife is doing the same thing. After two weeks, I calmed down and quit running my mouth. Has she told you why she won't take the medication?


Yes.

She's all creeped out because the side effects of the medication are something like 'be careful when taking this because you don't know how it will affect you'

But I just now realized that she's taken this medication before, in larger doses, before we even met.


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## caruso

toblerone said:


> She's all creeped out because the side effects of the medication are something like 'be careful when taking this because you don't know how it will affect you'
> 
> But I just now realized that she's taken this medication before, in larger doses, before we even met.


Then it would naturally follow that she would know how the medication will affect her?


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## becareful2

Find out why her step-by-step instructions are backwards.


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## Vega

What was she like when she was taking the medication?


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## toblerone

I don't know. She was on the medication years before she met me.


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## aine

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sex every 4 months? Ya I'd lose interest in her too. But it wouldn't be an issue cause I'd be out on the town without her. No sex = no time or attention given. Why bother?


Has it crossed your mind that OP is not very good at hiding his absolute feeling of losing the will to live while she talks. Women know this. She knows he is zoning out. His Needs Her Needs identify the need for a woman to have conversation with her mate (Chapter 5). It appears he is not meeting that need. He doesn't meet her need for intimate conversation, she doesn't meet his need for sex, it is simple. Not many women feel close to a man who doesn't give a **** about meeting her needs. It's simple.


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## Livvie

He has to listen to her constantly. She never listens to him. She doesn't talk with him, she talks at him. He more than meets her need. It is not a normal dynamic.


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## Prodigal

toblerone said:


> I don't know. She was on the medication years before she met me.


Perhaps some of the problem stems from the fact that you don't really know this woman very well. I mean she talks too much, but it doesn't sound like she honestly discloses who she is. She could possibly have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). Hey, I'm no shrink and I'm just spit balling here. But I was diagnosed with it after years of going through hell and back. I take the medication as prescribed and don't pop extra pills if I start feeling more anxious than usual. It passes.

Honestly, this isn't about your wife blabbing. This is about a woman who appears to have some serious psychological issues that she isn't addressing correctly. I realize you are sick of listening to her. I'm sure you are also tired of a lousy sex life. But she needs help and you it could help if you took the bull by the horns, manned up, and tell her she either gets serious therapy, appropriate medication control, or you leave.

I don't advocate people just walking out on a marriage. But I walked when I genuinely believed I had done all I could. Do you think you could do more to help a failing marriage? Do you think you could do more to discuss with your wife her issues? That sounds very simplistic. I realize that. For all I know, you married a woman who wasn't emotionally stable. Nevertheless, you ARE married.

Any chance of making this a win-win proposition?


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## HeartbrokenW

My brother's wife is exactly like this.. she totally drives me insane. My brother was in the army for 20 years, did 5 tours. He never had to be around her constantly. Now he's retired from the army, living life on the civilian side and now she's driving him absolutely crazy. It's so bad, he's talking divorce. 

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## Personal

...


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## KaraBoo0723

sokillme said:


> It's in our nature to want to physically touch our wives. It's in their nature to want to emotionally touch us.
> 
> Suck it up and listen. Try your best to empathize and pay attention. That is part of your job as her husband, you provide emotional stability. If you can do this it will be like 50 bonus points for your marriage. See it for what it is, this is your wife desperately trying to emotionally connect with you. You know what that is a good thing. Better you then the guy at the office who is willing to put in the (10 minutes, I can't get over this :slap. Seriously man this is one of the big ones we as men need to get.




This quote should be included when you purchase an engagement ring -- just like warnings on a pack of cigarettes 



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## rich84

OP, there may be an element of anxiety to her rambling, but I do not think that this is a totally uncommon behavior or need for many women. She needs intimate conversation, and being an introvert you are likely her primary outlet and safe place to have this need met. Except you resent her and so you're not really meeting the need. She can read that you aren't engaged, but it does not lessen her need to express herself. Kind of like she can go through the motions with sex and not fully scratch that itch, but your drive is still intact. The lack of sex and your emotional needs being met is a real problem, but you are going to have to be the one to get the ball rolling and fix it. 

First, you have to accept that this is her need, and you will have to meet it for your marriage to fire on all cylinders. Accept that you will be engaging in more talking than you would prefer. This is your compromise. 

Secondly, control the discourse so that it is more acceptable to you and not so unbearable. My wife would often launch into a story with zero context. Drove me nuts. I didn't know the players, the background, the timeframe, etc. It made sense in her head. I explained that I really want to engage in this convo, but I need the right information - who are we talking about, how do you know them, when, where, why? Once she realized that I couldn't really participate without this info, and that she was asking me to listen without being able to make sense of what she says, she changed the way she communicated. If she launched without context I would stop her until I could actually grasp the concept. If she went on a tangent, I would redirect her to her starting point. It made talks a lot more fun, and it keeps you from zoning out because you're not just a brick wall with eye contact. 

Third, you need to confront her about not listening to you or expressing interest in what you have to say. You also have a need for intimate conversation, even if that's not at the top of your list. You need to say that you feel she doesn't care about what you have to say and that it affects your ability to engage in conversation with her without building resentment. It's a two way street. 

Lastly, the bigger issue I see is that you have added resentment from not getting your primary need met, sex. You've become completely passive and you let her decide entirely the frequency. If my wife rejected me continuously for that long she would be getting zero intimate conversation and a hard 180. It wasn't always like that, but she now knows exactly where I stand on that need being met. 

Do a test. Actually meet her needs for a sustained period of time. Then, once you've actually put effort into her needs, be clear on what you need. If you give 100% over time and it yields no reciprocity, it's time to destabilize. You're on the road to checking out my friend. 

Read now: His Needs, Her Needs and also The 5 Love Languages. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## kag123

WorkingOnMe said:


> He's detached. It's not surprising. If they were intimate he'd be more interested.


So, who is responsible for making the first move to fix it? 


toblerone said:


> She has anxiety medication that she has not taken yet.


I remember the feeling of my mind churning and churning and constantly replaying the days events. I coped with it by withdrawing from everyone, but I can see how the opposite (vomiting out what pops into her head constantly) could also be a coping technique. The medication slowed my brain to a normal level where I now don't often feel completely unable to block out and filter everything that happens around me. If she's been diagnosed by a medical professional, she should be taking the meds.

As a side note, I do feel sorry for your wife a bit. I can imagine it's annoying and exhausting to be her husband but there is an element of vulnerability when someone decides to talk to you about things, particularly if she truly is an introvert, and it is sad that you are rejecting her for it. I am an introvert and have a very difficult time opening up to people. My husband is one of the only people I share certain things with and if he wished for me to shut up it would crush me.


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## WorkingOnMe

kag123 said:


> So, who is responsible for making the first move to fix it?




Whoever isn't detached. He's detached so he doesn't really care. If she still cares, she better make a move. If she's detached too, then just call it quits.


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## emmasmith

This is in most woman's nature, it's how she bonds with you it is how you show you are taking care of her.


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## Livvie

emmasmith said:


> This is in most woman's nature, it's how she bonds with you it is how you show you are taking care of her.


It is not in most women's nature to continually talk AT someone the way this woman does, with a refusal to ever let him talk.


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## RubyRing

This sounds like my fiancee.

Except instead of details about people's conversations, it's details about the mechanical workings of whatever. He no longer works, but when he did he was an electronics tech. Sometimes he will tell a story about a job he did, and go into excrutiating detail about the job, which I have NO understanding of. He's what I call a "stream of consciousness talker. He reads OUT LOUD, he thinks OUT LOUD, he asks rhetorical questions. Sometimes I'll say "I don't know" in answer to one of his rhetorical questions, and he'll say "oh, I was asking myself". I hear his "to do list" as he mutters to himself about what he has to do for the day, if he's making dinner, of just saying he's making a chicken recipe he found online, he will read the entire recipe OUT LOUD.

When we are watching TV, he gives me the low down on every actor. What other shows/movie they've been in. Or if he can't remember the name of the show he'll ask "Do you remember her from that medical drama -- wait, what was the name of it ? She played such and such a part " etc. etc. He will use his voice google and ask (out loud ) about the actor, and then his google responds out loud. A lot of what we watch is netflix and such, so sometimes I ask him to pause, if he wants to have a discussion, and sometime I'll even ask him to play it back. Sometimes after enough stopping and playing back, he will finally be quiet.

He's not to bad about the interupting, except in the car. For some reason, if I am talking and we pass something that sparks his "stream of consciousness " talking mechanism, he just blurts out whatever crosses his mind, as if I'm not talking. I could telling him a story about -- well anything -- and he'll say "Oooh, look at that car," or "Look, they are building something where the Old K-Mart used to be, what do you think it's going to be ?' 

I even googled about people who talk constantly, and found an article that basically said it's hard wiring, and talkative people are basically good people, but they are just hard wired to be that way. And I do think my sweetheart is hard wired to be a talker, because he's told me a story or two, about how he's gotten in trouble as a school kid for talking to much, and if the public school system couldn't get him to be quiet, well I don't think I'll be too successful either.

I guess I really love him, because while I find it annoying at times (sometimes I just want to read my face book feed, without him reading his facebook feed OUT LOUD), I just accept it as part of his hard wiring. Another trick I've learned, is that if I am reading a rather lengthy article, is to say "Hey honey, I found this interesting article," and then I proceed to share it with him by reading out loud. Last long car trip, I really wanted to read a magazine we picked up from the WildLife Sanctuary. So I said "Here's an interesting story about one of the animal rescues . . ." and then proceeded to read a very lengthy story out loud, and he only interupted a few times, to briefly point out whatever caught his ride while on the road.

So I've learned a few behavior modification "tricks" for coping (Having him pause and re-wind TV if he starts talking to much) or if I really want to read something, I will share it with him by reading it out loud TO him, and he seems to actually enjoy it, and I get to read my article.

But as annoying as I find his "stream of consciousness" talking to be, when I think of all the WONDERFUL qualities he has, I just smile and accept this as part of who he is.
Even though he is retired, when I stay over at his place he gets up, and makes me coffee and breakfast, then walks me to my car and washes the windows if needed, then kisses me good bye and sends me on my way. I've told him he doesn't have to get up and get me off to work, but he WON'T here of it. When my car breaks down, he takes it into the shop for me. When my father (who is in his 90's) needs medical attention, he drives him to his Dr's appts, picks him up from the hospital, goes over to his house to fix things here and there. When I come over to his house, I rarely open the garage door, usually as I'm reaching for the garage door opener, I see the door opening, and he is coming out to greet me, and help me carry in what ever. I really don't enjoy driving, but he loves to drive, so he does ALL the driving, even on our long road trips . He gives me LOTS and LOTS of non-sexual affection, we hug and kiss constantly, and frequently tells me how much he loves me, and that I am "gorgeous" (I am in my 60's, never thought a man would find me "gorgeous" again) He opens doors for me, he pulls out my chair for me. He fixes things around my house, he keeps my bicycle in good repair, he gives me little gifts. In the beginning of our relationship, he flat out refused to let me pay for anything, UNLESS it was in the form of a movie pass or a gift card. Now he "lets" me contribute, but he never asks, and about half the time, he still refuses my offer to pay for our dates. Since I am the kind of person who likes to contribute (otherwise I feel like a mooch), I will usually just ask him if he wants to go to such and such an event and if he says yes, I'll go online and buy the tickets, so he can't refuse. 

So when I think about it, listening to his steady stream of consicousness is a small price to pay, for a man who cherishes me so much and wants to give me the world. And it's not like I dislike ALL of his talk . . . I do actually enjoy most of what he's sharing. I know about his close relationship with his father, his friendships , his likes, his dislikes, etc. I noticed that he doesn't talk AS MUCH in social settings with other people, so I am taking his talkativeness with me as a sign that he just want to share all of himself with me, and that he trusts me. Since he does WAY for me, than I do for him, (mostly because he is retired, and I still have to work) I consider my listening to him (constantly ) to be my gift to him.

I think you may just have to accept that your wife is a talker. It's who she is, and is mostly hard wired. I hope she has some wonderful qualities that you can focus on to remind yourself why you fell in love with her in the first place. I think telling her she talks to much will only hurt her and make her feel unloved. Perhaps you could find some behavior modification technique to stop her from interupting you while you talk. (Or just tell her, "OK, I've listened to your day, now it's my turn to tell you about mine") 

My answer probably isn't to helpful, but I do think a fundamental of relationships is accepting each other, flaws and all. We are all flawed, and we all want to be accepted for who we are. I think being a chatter box, is who your wife is. (I don't condone accepting abusive behavior from a mate tho', but I think we need to accept annoying traits in our mate, because we all have them)

However, at the risk of sounding sexist, I do it's easier for a woman to accept a male chatterbox, than vice versa. I have noticed that many men just can't seem to tolerate much of women's talk. On most relationships forums, I see men complaining a lot that women should just "shut up". Even the bible silences women. (women aren't allowed to talk in church) so it seems that men have been complaining about women having a voice since the dawn of time.

I hope you can find enough about your wife to love, and learn to love her, warts and all. You might want to consider that you may possibly have a trait that annoys her that she overlooks, because she love you. Good luck to you.


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## RubyRing

sokillme said:


> Dude, you need to get over this and fast. This is in most woman's nature. It's how she bonds with you it is how you show you are taking care of her. Kind of like when we as men see our wives looking sexy and we want to touch them. If you reject her when she is trying to talk to you (for a whole 10 minutes) it will be like when you go to tough her and she rejects you, pushes you away and acts annoyed. I bet you know how that feels right, not good. It's in our nature to want to physically touch our wives. It's in their nature to want to emotionally touch us.
> 
> Suck it up and listen. Try your best to empathize and pay attention. That is part of your job as her husband, you provide emotional stability. If you can do this it will be like 50 bonus points for your marriage. See it for what it is, this is your wife desperately trying to emotionally connect with you. You know what that is a good thing. Better you then the guy at the office who is willing to put in the (10 minutes, I can't get over this :slap. Seriously man this is one of the big ones we as men need to get.
> 
> If you are lacking in the sex, then that is something you need to address with her.


Thank you so much for this !


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## PhillyGuy13

Sorry - can't resist.

https://youtu.be/suAhGfVr_4U
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toblerone

Prodigal said:


> Honestly, this isn't about your wife blabbing. This is about a woman who appears to have some serious psychological issues that she isn't addressing correctly. I realize you are sick of listening to her. I'm sure you are also tired of a lousy sex life. But she needs help and you it could help if you took the bull by the horns, manned up, and tell her she either gets serious therapy, appropriate medication control, or you leave.
> 
> I don't advocate people just walking out on a marriage. But I walked when I genuinely believed I had done all I could. Do you think you could do more to help a failing marriage? Do you think you could do more to discuss with your wife her issues? That sounds very simplistic. I realize that. For all I know, you married a woman who wasn't emotionally stable. Nevertheless, you ARE married.
> 
> Any chance of making this a win-win proposition?


I don't see how I could possibly leave her, but that's a thing that's beyond our relationship and probably a whole other thread.

I have tried to do more, but either my approach was terrible, or pressing made it worse for her. That doesn't mean I can't try again. 

I know she is stressed about things, some things she can control. Some things I can help with, but some things have to be done _her way_, and she can't let go of that. Other things she is stressed about because she is 'obligated' to deal with it and not control it.


I am a little checked-out in a few ways, because for the most part I'm doing the avoidance thing. Which, I am way too good at.

I haven't brought up the sex thing with her *at all* because I am afraid it will make her feel like there is even more on her plate and make her more stressed.

Note: she is really anxious about a lot of things and I guess it may be too comfortable to call it 'stress'


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## Prodigal

toblerone said:


> I don't see how I could possibly leave her, but that's a thing that's beyond our relationship and probably a whole other thread.


It may be another can of worms, but knowing why you cannot leave may yield more feedback and ideas on how to cope. JMO.



toblerone said:


> I am a little checked-out in a few ways, because for the most part I'm doing the avoidance thing. Which, I am way too good at.
> 
> I haven't brought up the sex thing with her *at all* because I am afraid it will make her feel like there is even more on her plate and make her more stressed.


Have you tried IC for yourself? Granted, you cannot control her responses, but you CAN control how you handle them. My late husband got downright irrational at times. I chose to let it slide, walk away, and focus on my own inner peace. I wasn't going to change him, but I could learn how to change my reactions.

The thing is, you might be avoiding because you don't want to hear screaming, yelling, and her going off on you. What's the worst that could happen? I mean, if you want to venture into the what-if scenarios, you can. But at this point, you are rather checked-out, the marriage isn't fulfilling your needs, and your wife is having some serious psychological issues.

Is it possible some of the "stress" she manifests is a bit manipulative? In other words, she can keep you from bringing up sensitive subjects by going into her stress-mode.

Frankly, having lived with a hardcore alcoholic, I've seen every sort of reaction out there. I learned to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not to say it mean. (An old Al-Anon adage.) If my husband didn't like it, that was his problem.

Maybe avoiding and tip toeing around your wife isn't in anyone's best interests.


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## PieceOfSky

Why was she prescribed medication for anxiety? What was prescribed, how much, and by what sort of provider? Has she been evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist? (I would seek alternatives to benzodiazepines, based on a little reading, if at all possible.)

Why doesn't she take the meds? Does she take other meds? Smoke (nicotine)?

Any signs of depression? Hyperactivity? Obsessive thoughts?

Before, when she was taking the med, what was the diagnosis?

Have you ever discussed this with her? Do you think you can tell her, honestly, that you love her and you've come to realize you don't feel heard, and it dawned on you maybe she didn't feel hear either. You wonder if sometimes her talking quickly and continuously might stem from her not feeling heard by you, or perhaps her feeling anxious by your lack of reaction, and though you don't have any answers or an understanding of what factors are in play, you wanted to reach out and ask for her help in figuring this out. That you hope she can hear these words as a loving gesture towards seeing and hearing each other more clearly.

Do you love her? Are you concerned about her mental health and relationships?

It sounds like there is serious problem here -- the sort you can never make headway on without having difficult/uncomfortable conversations, and a willingness to consider possibilities that turn out to be wrong.

"The story I'm making up in my head is that you feel a strong need to tell me this in such detail and/or repeatedly because you feel like I've not heard what your day was like, or how _________ that was for you. Are you feeling any of those things?"

Just some ideas.


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## toblerone

Those are all great questions and ideas. I'll see what I can do to find out more.

I know the anti anxiety meds, but not the dosage. I know it wasn't prescribed by a mental health professional.

She's afraid to take it because of the side effects but I'm pretty sure she's taken it before when she had huge anxiety issues years and years before she met me.

For instance she could get stressed at work and still not take it because of the warnings on the label.

I tell her to just take it at home with me around, and it will be ok. You know, take it, see it's fine, and not worry next time. She hasn't tried yet.

I have asked her to talk to someone else besides me in the past (a professional), because I'm not good enough to help her with this.

She takes other medication, but that doesn't interact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rich84

How did this get to the OP's wife having "serious psychological issues?" Anxiety is pretty common, and I'm not really hearing anything about moderate to severe levels here. I think that calling her mentally unstable is a real stretch. 

His wife is self-centered and insensitive to his needs. He's a conflict avoider, a push-over. She steamrolls him with conversation and he resents the heck out of that and the lack of sex. Yet he's afraid of rocking the boat and upsetting her. He'll need to rock the boat to change anything. 

The lack of sex would be a much bigger issue for me, but you're main complaint is the gabbing so let's focus on that. OP, I think you need to embrace that conversation is a need for your wife. But you should hold her accountable to respecting you as a participant of said conversation. That may mean that she has to wait just a while until you can give her your full attention. That might mean that she changes her communication to give you adequate context or background so that you can process. It may mean that she stop and listen to you when you wish to share something that matters to you. All these things have to be explained as the cost of doing business with you in the conversation game. No negotiating these basic points of decency - you will not be her captive audience. 

Oh, and please stop making the hand gestures behind your wife's back for your own amusement. The fact that you're not embarrassed to admit such a self-indulgent, immature move speaks volumes about you. You're being a passive participant in the creation of your own misery. 




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## toblerone

Yea I'm really sorry if anyone got the impression that I think (or that my wife has) serious issues. However, I think they're just describing a situation as they can only see it: from what I've told them.

She has more recently stopped being so terrible about the conversation part, and that's driven recent my lack of push towards that particular issue. I still wish I could tell her more about the things I like, though. We actually had a decent two-way conversation tonight where she was able to complain about work and I was still able to tell her my plans for the weekend. She also asked why and gave me the time to go into detail.

I wish I could make sex the bigger issue here but OTOH, if she's dealing with anxiety out the butt I feel like a jerk for pressing the sex thing. However, after reading some of the posts in the Sex in Marriage forum, I have more problems in that regard than I first realized.

The hand gestures mocking her out of her view is not something are not out of amusement: they are out of frustration. That does not make my actions any less immature, I had only hoped to use that as an example of how much it affects me.


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## Prodigal

toblerone said:


> She's afraid to take it because of the side effects but I'm pretty sure she's taken it before when she had huge anxiety issues years and years before she met me.
> 
> For instance she could get stressed at work and still not take it *because of the warnings on the label.*
> 
> I tell her to just take it at home with me around, and it will be ok. You know, take it, see it's fine, and not worry next time. She hasn't tried yet.


Have you listened to the ads on t.v. for ANY medication that doesn't end with about a kazillion warnings and disclaimers???? It's called a litigious society, where anyone who gets a pimple from Prozac can mount a class action suit. I listened to the disclaimer for a psoriasis drug recently, and one of the warnings was it could cause non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I doubt I'd be too anxious to take a medication that would give me cancer over skin problems.

However, attorneys file suits just for this reason. Most people probably do fine on the medication,so the pharmaceutical companies have to protect themselves from those who file suit for their effects. 

I think it's a pretty flimsy excuse your wife is using when it comes to warning on the prescription container. After all, she used similar, or the same, medication before you met her.

Seriously, don't you think you are being manipulated here???


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## Prodigal

rich84 said:


> How did this get to the OP's wife having "serious psychological issues?" Anxiety is pretty common, and I'm not really hearing anything about moderate to severe levels here. I think that calling her mentally unstable is a real stretch.


Stick with addressing the OP's issues and leave my comments alone. I have suffered from anxiety, and even if it is "common" as you say, it can be debilitating. You don't know what you are talking about. I'm coming from the position as someone who has GAD.

You don't like what I have to say? Contact a moderator. Jeesh.


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## toblerone

I don't think I'm being manipulated a whole lot in that regard. I deal with anxiety as well.

Anxiety has a great way of turning things that just don't make any sense at all seem to be real, regardless of full lack of logic behind it.

Some anxieties manifest in certain ways than others, even in the same person. I could go into depth at describing one of mine and how it affects me.

So, while she may have taken the meds before, you see a warning label and the strongest thought in your mind isn't "we'll see if it helps" it is "What if?!?"


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## Prodigal

toblerone said:


> So, while she may have taken the meds before, you see a warning label and the strongest thought in your mind isn't "we'll see if it helps" it is "What if?!?"


But the issue isn't about what if; it's about what is. And she IS anxious. What if thinking can lead you down many dead-end alleys. 

No, not everyone thinks "what if?" I mean, c'mon, don't you think people who have chemo injected into their veins have a LOT more what if's going on? Nevertheless, they take the drugs in the hope the cancer will be eradicated or put into remission.

Don't you think you are covering for her? She has anxiety. She's afraid of using the meds. Not that it's founded on solid research, from what you have written. So are you in collusion with her when it comes to not taking the med? Because you are standing up for her not taking it, but still extremely frustrated at her behavior.

My antennae are up. Something is telling me there is a lot more here that you are withholding. There is just something, from what you are posting, that doesn't add up.


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## toblerone

There probably is. If I were to try to go there I don't know if it would make any more sense than what drove me to come here and make my first post.

What caused me to make the first post was just all out frustration. Normally, I hate criticizing my wife to others. I usually feel that unless I'm blameless: I've got no room to complain to anyone. I did something like this once before and it ended terribly for me because I couldn't think quickly enough on my feet.

And I'm not blameless. I don't listen all the time. I know I've been the cause of her anxiety at times. The things that she tells me that I could do to make her life easier don't seem to help at all. It doesn't mean I can't stop doing those things, but I haven't been.


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## rich84

toblerone said:


> Yea I'm really sorry if anyone got the impression that I think (or that my wife has) serious issues. However, I think they're just describing a situation as they can only see it: from what I've told them.
> 
> 
> 
> She has more recently stopped being so terrible about the conversation part, and that's driven recent my lack of push towards that particular issue. I still wish I could tell her more about the things I like, though. We actually had a decent two-way conversation tonight where she was able to complain about work and I was still able to tell her my plans for the weekend. She also asked why and gave me the time to go into detail.
> 
> 
> 
> I wish I could make sex the bigger issue here but OTOH, if she's dealing with anxiety out the butt I feel like a jerk for pressing the sex thing. However, after reading some of the posts in the Sex in Marriage forum, I have more problems in that regard than I first realized.
> 
> 
> 
> The hand gestures mocking her out of her view is not something are not out of amusement: they are out of frustration. That does not make my actions any less immature, I had only hoped to use that as an example of how much it affects me.




It's true. The poster's view is the only vantage point for the reader, and it's always skewed. Thanks for debunking. 

Why would you be a jerk for expressing your needs? Especially if it is affecting your ability to meet her needs and engage in the relationship? 


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## rich84

Prodigal said:


> Stick with addressing the OP's issues and leave my comments alone. I have suffered from anxiety, and even if it is "common" as you say, it can be debilitating. You don't know what you are talking about. I'm coming from the position as someone who has GAD.
> 
> 
> 
> You don't like what I have to say? Contact a moderator. Jeesh.




Just trying to steer things a different way. I think there are other issues at the root of the problem. We can have a difference if onion. That's ok. You don't know what I do or do not know, however. Have you considered that your GAD might bias you into perceiving that anxiety is as significant of a factor in others' situations as it is for you? 


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## toblerone

I guess it's because I think I share some of the blame.

I want to be right. 100% correct.

If I'm not, I always tend to explain to my wife how I'm wrong for what seems to be forever, before I get to the point where I tell her where I think she is wrong.


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## rich84

toblerone said:


> I guess it's because I think I share some of the blame.
> 
> 
> 
> I want to be right. 100% correct.
> 
> 
> 
> If I'm not, I always tend to explain to my wife how I'm wrong for what seems to be forever, before I get to the point where I tell her where I think she is wrong.




What if she's just hearing that you're admittedly to blame for the vast majority of the problem? Wouldn't you agree that the onus is on you to make the change then? Why are you so indirect? Is it that painful to be clear?


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## PieceOfSky

I don't understand how one would get meds for anxiety but not from a medical professional. That is dangerous, and suggests neither partner is interested in fixing anything, just avoiding it. People lock themselves into a path of destroying their lives doing that very sort of thing.

The recommendation she see a psychiatrist or psychologist is because it might be very helpful to get the analysis and opinion of folks who have the knowledge and experience to get to the bottom of this. Suggesting someone see a mental health professional is not a diagnosis. I would find it bizarre if anyone thought themselves better qualified to diagnose a problem with second hand information from a handful of posts across the internet than someone in real life, in person, and with years of relevant training and experience.

In any case, it is a fact various mental conditions are associated with the sort of excessive talking and lack of tending to the other in the conversation. Of course, those may or may not prove relevant. After so many years, seems worthwhile to find out.


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## PieceOfSky

rich84 said:


> How did this get to the OP's wife having "serious psychological issues?"


It did not. You dropped important context from the sentence and those preceding it when you isolated those three words. The author made clear there was room for other possibilities by qualifying with the word "appears", pointing out she was "just spitballing", and politely and fairly disclosing her personal experiences that inform her perspective.

I'd like to believe if you reread her post you'd see what I'm saying. 

We all bring biases here. Your suggestion to consider, essentially, whether one's experience narrows one's point of view is very good advice. I'm hopeful you'd agree it worth your time to consider as well. Fwiw, from my perspective, your posts here seemed prematurely closed to the possibility you might be misinterpreting -- but, of course, I'm potentially biased too.


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## PieceOfSky

Prodigal said:


> Have you listened to the ads on t.v. for ANY medication that doesn't end with about a kazillion warnings and disclaimers???? It's called a litigious society, where anyone who gets a pimple from Prozac can mount a class action suit. I listened to the disclaimer for a psoriasis drug recently, and one of the warnings was it could cause non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. I doubt I'd be too anxious to take a medication that would give me cancer over skin problems.
> 
> However, attorneys file suits just for this reason. Most people probably do fine on the medication,so the pharmaceutical companies have to protect themselves from those who file suit for their effects.
> 
> I think it's a pretty flimsy excuse your wife is using when it comes to warning on the prescription container. After all, she used similar, or the same, medication before you met her.
> 
> Seriously, don't you think you are being manipulated here???



Yes labels and packages list many completely irrelevant adverse reactions people happen to have had while taking the medication in studies. It generally would be a mistake to give those lists much attention.

Yes, some medicines that address anxiety work well for many people. But, for some people taking certain drugs, complications arise and sometimes quitting the medication is very hard to do (benzos especially so, as I understand). I'm not a Dr., but I've formed an opinion based on reading that for anxiety there are other alternatives I would want to try before taking benzos (say, instead taking buprion or a beta blocker, taking Minfulness Based Stress Reduction courses, practicing meditation). Maybe my fear is not justified, but prescriptions from good attentive doctors sometimes go very wrong. That these meds his wife has aren't even from a medical professional leaves me wondering why anyone would even consider taking them. If the pills are opiate-based pain killers, taking those to self-medicate is crazy risky.


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## PieceOfSky

OP, 

Can you please give us some idea about the nature of these pills, and how and why it is your wife has come to possess them?

Is it possible she is taking other pills already -- like Aderall or some other stimulant.

Prescription drug abuse is more common than many realize. I've known "regular people" to get hooked and lose very much, including their children.


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## toblerone

Only other thing she has, that she takes daily, is levothyroxine


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## rich84

PieceOfSky said:


> It did not. You dropped important context from the sentence and those preceding it when you isolated those three words. The author made clear there was room for other possibilities by qualifying with the word "appears", pointing out she was "just spitballing", and politely and fairly disclosing her personal experiences that inform her perspective.
> 
> 
> 
> I'd like to believe if you reread her post you'd see what I'm saying.
> 
> 
> 
> We all bring biases here. Your suggestion to consider, essentially, whether one's experience narrows one's point of view is very good advice. I'm hopeful you'd agree it worth your time to consider as well. Fwiw, from my perspective, your posts here seemed prematurely closed to the possibility you might be misinterpreting -- but, of course, I'm potentially biased too.




Ok I reread it. Prodical implied that thr OP' wife was unstable. I still think that's a reach. I don't disagree that the OP's wife might benefit from proper medical treatment. I was merely trying to help the OP address some of his behaviors and attitudes that might be exacerbating his own frustration. I apologize, @prodical, anxiety very well could be a significant factor that needs to be addressed. In my attempt to seek out the primary problems I minimized that. 


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## rich84

toblerone said:


> Only other thing she has, that she takes daily, is levothyroxine




Does she monitor this drug regularly? It's pretty dose sensitive and can cause hyperactivity if levels are too high. 


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## toblerone

She's usually not too good at taking it. She forgets all the time.


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## rich84

toblerone said:


> She's usually not too good at taking it. She forgets all the time.




That's not good, Toblerone. But it's not truly relevant. 

What are you willing to do having heard some feedback now?








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## convert

I remember on the TV show Cheers they put a shocker on Cliff Clavin and every time he started one of his stories they would shock him. .

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZag1zlecGI

I don't recommend that here. .:smile2:


I know, i know I dated my self most here probably don't remember that show.


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## MattMatt

@toblerone does your wife suffer from hypothyroidism?


> Levothyroxine is a replacement for a hormone normally produced by your thyroid gland to regulate the body's energy and metabolism. Levothyroxine is given when the thyroid does not produce enough of this hormone on its own.
> 
> Levothyroxine treats hypothyroidism (low thyroid hormone). It is also used to treat or prevent goiter (enlarged thyroid gland), which can be caused by hormone imbalances, radiation treatment, surgery, or cancer.


https://www.drugs.com/levothyroxine.html

If not, why on earth is she taking Levothyroxine? :scratchhead:

How does she get it?


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## toblerone

Yes, she does.


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## ILoveSparkles

toblerone said:


> She's usually not too good at taking it. She forgets all the time.


Have her set an alarm on her phone or whatever for the time she is supposed to take it. When the alarm goes off, it's a reminder for her to go take it.


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## ILoveSparkles

I've noticed that you have avoided the questions regarding how your wife got the anxiety meds. So, how does she get them if they aren't prescribed by a medical professional?


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## toblerone

Her GP prescribed them.

When I was on anxiety meds my GP prescribed them at first, but if it seems to be an ongoing issue they'll definitely refer you to someone else.


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## Thebulls

I am so glad to see that I am not alone. But, unfortunately it happened last night “BIG ARGUMENT” Something I wanted to avoid for 18 years. But I could not take it anymore. I don’t have excuses, but I was truly tired when I got home last night from work. And my one and only, beautiful, precious wife took off again. I just lost it. I told her that she’s got verbal diarrhea. Big mistake! But she is driving me mad……...........

I am at work now, will go home later this afternoon and give her a big, big hug and kiss and tell her that I am still in love with her after all these years. I suppose that if she’s not by my side anymore the silence will kill me. Talk baby Talk, I’m listening.


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## farsidejunky

Zombie thread.
@Thebulls, if you want to get some advice from folks, it would be best to start a new thread.

Welcome to TAM.


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