# Afraid she's wanting to stray



## jds123456 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife has been texting and flirting with a man that she met at her office. He's the phone guy there, and she has never really told me about him. She keeps trying to make plans to see him, coffee or a beer, and she never tells me about it. I approached her about it tonight, not telling her exactly how much I know. I have been reading her text messages for some time now. 

Our daughter is going to be at Grandma’s tomorrow night, and I work later into the evening. She did tell me today that she would likely be going out to grab a drink with "people from work," not mentioning this guy or that it was going to be only with him. She gave me a somewhat plausible explanation, but it just doesn't seem like the whole story. She also didn’t mention that she did in fact have plans with him, even with me asking her almost directly. I say almost because I don’t quite want to let on that I have been reading her texts for some time now.

We went through this last summer about a friend of hers from high school. She had been texting him and chatting on facebook a lot. I did some snooping and found a lot of heavy flirting, and even saw that she was really trying hard to hang out with him with me not around. I still have some of the transcripts of their chats on the computer. 

At one point she made plans with him for a time when I told her I would not be around, and then she even went so far as to lie to me when I approached and challenged her about it. We had a huge blowup when I continues to press the issue, letting on just how much I knew. 

She was pretty much able to convince me that no cheating physically wise had happened. We were a bit rocky as a couple for a while, but it mended and things seemed to go on and even have been getting seemingly really good lately.

I would like to believe that she hasn’t actually cheated on me at this point in any physical way, but when a conversation goes as follows how am I supposed to not be on edge about it:

Her: My boss is thinking of trying to hook you up with one of my co-workers.
Him: Should I be worried?
Her: Not really, she’s a little weird though.
Him: But then you’ll have to share me, would you be ok with that?
Her: No, I don’t think I would be.

Obviously I’m not “supposed” to see her texts or read her facebook messages with people. I just happened to stumble on these things in the first place. At this point I can’t help but feel paranoid and even betrayed. I was just finally getting over the thing from last summer when I found the texts from this new guy starting up. After last summer I don’t really know how to react. She always has some plausible explanation ready. 

The real question is why she thinks it’s ok for a married lady to flirt with some guy and try to see him without ever telling her husband about the person.

At this point we are on the verge of buying a house, have a wonderful daughter, and things have even seemed rather good between us for some time now. I love my wife dearly and our daughter deserves as much from the both of us as we can possibly give. I’m not ready to give up my marriage, but can’t go on living like this either. I'm maybe even a little afraid of how she's going to react to my asking her about this tonight.

I’m not sure whether I should really press the point more and challenge her further/give her some kind of ultimatum or what. I'm thinking more and more that counseling is our only and best option for trying to stay married. Offering up any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

This is wrong on so many levels.
You need to be strong and confront. If it turns into an argument, so be it. Don't let her manipulate you into believing that 'nothing' is going on. If it isnt already, it soon will be because she clearly wants it and thinks she can run rings around you.
Show her the evidence and if she tries to belittle you into believing that you 'have no right' to snoop and yells about 'privicy' etc, get her to explain why she would need 'rights and privicy' from her husband if nothing is going on unless there are some 'secrets' that she doesn't want you to know about.
I hate to say this, but I fear that it is more than texting and emailing and you need to be strong for both you and your daughter. Don't be like me and many others on this site who have danced around the issue, hoping that all will turn out well. It doesn't. Not unless they are faced with true and irreversable consequences for their actions.
I wouldn't even think of buying a house with her at this stage. Another liability to share with her should you discover a truth that she is trying to hide.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jds123456 said:


> I'm thinking more and more that counseling is our only and best option for trying to stay married.


Interesting how many newly betrayed think that MC is going to be the magic pill that will solve all their problems. That MC will make their WS realize the gravity of what they've done, stop their affair, and become the spouse they knew from before the affair.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She's not wanting to stray, she's already strayed big time.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Catch them. Hire a PI and tell her that you are going out of town. Catch them in the act or get some strong evidence. The fact she was having affair after affair only tells that she no respect for you.

She should have given you complete access to her accounts after the first affair.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

jds123456 said:


> Him: But then you’ll have to share me, would you be ok with that?
> Her: No, I don’t think I would be.


Sorry to say this but it seems obvious that she has crossed the boundary from EA to full PA. Gather evidence.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Yes, you must be really creative and in denial to interpret that passage in any other way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Hand her a garbage bag and tell her to pack a few things and that when she gets back from her date with her boyfriend her key willnot fit the new locks. You really need to man up. You are sharing her with another man already. There is no reason for a married woman to be going out on a girls night out where other men are especially where drinking is going on.

Start reading here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

and here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

Looks to late to stop her from already banging him but you might be able to save your marriage if you still want her.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

she is a cheat and seems to be seeking affairs as a hobby. Im not sure you need more evidence in all honesty. She has no respect for you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she a real gem of a girl.

I agree she is and has already been unfaithfull.

the question is what are you going to do about it?


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> she a real gem of a girl.
> 
> I agree she is and has already been unfaithfull.
> 
> the question is what are you going to do about it?



:iagree:


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

somethings awful fishy with her, i would investigate a hell of alot more,and put the house buying on hold untill you get the answers you need.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Dont wait too long. I got little hints and should have paid much closer attn. Instead my H had an EA for a yr with a coworker b/c I wasnt aggressive enough when I was first suspicious. Trust your gut. I regret that I didnt.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's
2. See an attorney

She has no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

****
Her: My boss is thinking of trying to hook you up with one of my co-workers.
Him: Should I be worried?
Her: Not really, she’s a little weird though.
Him: But then you’ll have to share me, would you be ok with that?
Her: No, I don’t think I would be.*****

I was trying to explain to my sister how married women sometimes don't like to introduce their single male friends to their single female friends. She thought I was "just crazy."


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Yes your wife is in an affiar. Confront her, show her the door. get checked for STD's confront the affiar with the POSM's girlfriend, wife whatever he has. Whatever do it today


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## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Buddy, you better get moving here or you're going to end up like some of us. Now's the time to take a stand.

Your marriage is more important than hanging out with "Friends"....

She's not to hangout, happy hour, beer, coffee, nothing unless you're with her. If she doesn't like it, you know what to do.... 

Good luck


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jds123456 said:


> My wife has been texting and flirting with a man that she met at her office. He's the phone guy there, and she has never really told me about him. She keeps trying to make plans to see him, coffee or a beer, and she never tells me about it. I approached her about it tonight, not telling her exactly how much I know. I have been reading her text messages for some time now.
> 
> Our daughter is going to be at Grandma’s tomorrow night, and I work later into the evening. She did tell me today that she would likely be going out to grab a drink with "people from work," not mentioning this guy or that it was going to be only with him. She gave me a somewhat plausible explanation, but it just doesn't seem like the whole story. She also didn’t mention that she did in fact have plans with him, even with me asking her almost directly. I say almost because I don’t quite want to let on that I have been reading her texts for some time now.
> 
> ...


Let's see you do not know whether you should press the point of not having your wife hook up with other men on the side. Because that is what is going on. How far the physical relationships have gone is hard to say but almost besides the point.

There is the following continuum:

Inappropriate Behavior -> Unfaithfulness -> Cheating

Any of the above are important to engage and stop. She is well into the cheating area. You can define cheating anyway you wish. Some look at anything short of penetration as not cheating. I do not know where your boundaries are but she is cheating in that she is actively seeking to date other men. 

Why would you buy a home right now? It seems that you should have her go NC with any of these guys. Monitor her communications and activities. She would need to change jobs. If she is in an active affair she will need to go through withdrawal. You guys need to do His Needs Her Needs and do the boundary setting. Neither of you have appropriate boundaries for a monogamous marriage. You are feeling that and have posted this thread.

There is no point in buying a home that will be shared by your wife, another man and your daughter. This is a likely scenario after you are cuckolded for a time, go through hell and decdie to man-up and create a better life for yourself.

This is not just flirting ( Inappropriate Behavior ), but if it was you should engage full on. She is hooking up with guys on the side and openly cheating on you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

JDS,

Lord Mayhem is dot on.

The affair is very likely to be physical. She has a past A, and now this one on.

I suggest you to consider using VAR. Someone earlier suggested PI, it could be expensive, I dont know if you can afford it.

Be serious. I dont know how you let the last A go like that.

Rug swept!

Take care


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Go pedal to the metal, right now. 
My one regret was not going aggressively after the early signs. My WW didn't even go this far the first time I found out. 

Tell her she needs to stop flirting with guys, give you full access to her email and phone, and go to counseling to fix your relationship issues. 

Yesterday.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Place a VAR in her car and a key logger on to her computer.
She is really CHEATING on you and its Probably a PA in full. Any way she dont have any respect for you as a husband and for her marriage or family. If you don't respect yourself then who will respect you.
She was treating you like a doormat/cuckold, it is time for you to decide whether to live like a doormat/cuckold or like a real man with some self esteem and self respect.

When you confront her, never allow her to manipulate you, she was doing this for long. You should realize that the affair is her fault and her choice, not yours.

She will try to blame it on you never buy that, she should own it. Dont buy her lies and blame. she will do anything to make you feel that nothing is going on and she is the perfect faithful wife. Dont allow her to manipulate you as she did earlier during your questioning.
Never beg or plead her for anything, its time for you to be a real man.
Time for you to stand on your feet.
Its time for you to grow a pair.


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