# Wife Has Depression Again: no sex, no love - blah



## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

My wife, 27 years old had depression from 19-20 before i knew here. Then again for a year when she was 24 when i was in a relationship with her.

Years on we a re married with a child, and apparently she has been diagnosed with it again. The last few months she has been in her own world inside the house. We have hardly had sex for 2 years and i started to want answeres a few months ago and no she says the answer is deprssion.

I dont know much about it but F me, what has she got to be depressed about? Seems like every 2nd person has it these days

And NO SEX because of depression, pllleeassee?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Imagine how she feels. Have a little compassion, man.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

There's room for compassion, but she can't expect him to put his entire marriage on hold forever. She needs to take responsibility in getting her depression under control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My point is it's not about sexing your way through the problem. It's wider and deeper than that.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

For me I guess it depends on how severe the depression is. I had a mild to moderate case of it and was still able to function. I had a job, a few friends, and yes I still had sex with my husband. Sometimes people do use depression as a way to not do things they just don't want to do. I've been guilty of that. I see now it was a cop out.

Again no disrespect to those who are truly debilitated by it. I however was not. Okay sometimes I was but not all the time.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> My point is it's not about sexing your way through the problem. It's wider and deeper than that.


THIS. 

I was severely depressed a few years back after I had my son. I couldn't work, couldn't function, couldn't do much of anything besides sleep and cry, really. It's a bigger issue than people may think it is. 

And yes, depression has definitely become more prevalent recently. There are a hundred reasons why. But it sounds as if you really don't understand what's going on with her. 

Find this book and give it a read. Might help you get inside her head a little and understand her. The book is not a cure, but it will help you see things from her point of view and lay out the options you two have in treating it.

Amazon.com: Undoing Depression: What Therapy Doesn't Teach You and Medication Can't Give You (9780316043410): Richard O'Connor: Books


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## whatgivinguplookslike (Jun 19, 2011)

depression isn't about "what caused it" you can have the perfect life and no worries and still be depressed. did it occur to you that your action, inaction, and reactions may make it worse? i suffer depression. it isn't because of my lifestyle. it is a medical mental imbalance. i can tell you that intentional or not, if you don't like that she is "unhappy" and isnt the social butterfly you seem to want, she can sense that and it makes you feel worse knowing that you aren't living up to someone else's expectation while already battling depression. and i'm sure it causes her even more stress thinking about how much you want sex. while i think she should probably get some professional help, why don't you try being empathetic. see what you can do to help her through it. maybe you just trying to understand might help and not just pretending you care to get out of her what you want. like i said, i think she should seek professional help and probably be put on meds, but seriously you make it sound like you don't really give a crap about her condition, and you are just mad about what you aren't getting. depression is a very serious condition. and by your attitude im sure it isn't making it any better.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks for your feedback however the last post has it wrong.

If i was only worried about only having sex 4 times in like 2 years i think i would have cheated or gone to a brothel by now. we have talked about this issue heaps now she and i haven given up on the sex issue. She would even take those horny goat weed tabs.

She has a good job, but not contibuting around the house and being lazy and watching non stop TV and facebook is that because of depression?

She is seeing a "shrink" as she put is next week.

I think i am very understanding when she goes through these moods, i actaully think she has narrcissim. She only seems down when shes in this house but when we are out she is fine.


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## Zulu (Apr 16, 2010)

brendan said:


> She only seems down when shes in this house but when we are out she is fine.


That is such a good point you make there.... have the same with my wife.... you and I are the cause of their depression respectively, but exactly what it is, that only God himself knows. My wife needs me, but does not want me.... what ever... I also think that depression just gets diagnosed so that something can be treated.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

> She has a good job


She can't be that depressed if she manages to hold down a good job. If she is fine outside, then it means that she can't be bothered to make any efforts towards you. Depression can't just be conveniently switched ON and OFF!


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Nickitta said:


> If she is fine outside, then it means that she can't be bothered to make any efforts towards you. Depression can't just be conveniently switched ON and OFF!


:iagree:


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

interesting points from all. i had a chat to one of her friends tonight after an argument.

came home from work today and nothing had been done around the house so i just cracked it, which i rarely do.

ha had family issues the last few years which is a major factor i believe but hey it all seems to be taken out on me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Depression is almost never linked to any particular event. It's a disorder caused by chemical imbalances in the brain. She can't control her body chemistry any more than you can. This time tomorrow, you could be drooling and believe you're a choo choo train. "There, but for the grace of God", etc, etc." My wife suffers from depression and has every day since I met her. I know it can be hard for a spouse to deal with. Imagine, though, how awful it must be to actually be the one having no energy, finding no joy, no motivation, etc. Anyway, professional help is available and you both might get some relief, at least until the next bout. Either way, be careful how low you place the bar of compassion because you might be in worse shape one day and need her to be patient.


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## unknownuser (May 11, 2011)

I have hypothyroidism, which mimics depression. For years I have had a demanding job managing a 911 center. Very high stress. I make it work, but it is about ALL I can handle. After that I am physically and emotionally exhausted on most days. You can hold down a decent job while depressed, but sometimes that is all you can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A job requires very different "stuff" than a relationship. I could be essentially emotionally disabled and still do my job but it'd make participating in a relationship almost impossible. My wife manages to work but she couldn't drag up a romantic emotion if she could use a tow truck. She is so overwhelmed by what she feels, wants, needs, regrets, etc, that there is just nothing left. If you're going to be married to someone with a personality or psychiatric disorder,or an addiction, you'd better have very broad shoulders and almost no needs of your own.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

had a big argument with her las night - came home from work and the house was a tip.

morning dishes stil sitting on table, washing on floor, crap everywhere and she was sitting reading a book on the couch. surely depression doesnt not make you clean up a tad. so instead of me doing it after a 10 hr day i had a go at her and went to pub(only for an hour). C'mon i had to say something. Im worried about her but when i ask her questions and talk she just says : "i just go with the flow". yeh right. (thats if she answers me at all, because a TV show that is on).

Her mum is a ***** which is a major reason for her moods i believe. Anyhow she has counselling during the week.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's actually in a serious bout of depression, you're lucky if she bathes and feeds herself. I don't know if your wife has it or not but for those who do, it can be pretty devestating.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

update on this issue. she got put on pills from the psych and she has been a different person since. The girl i use to know and love in fact.She has been happy and has had energy to do stuff and actually have fun and smile. Still sees the psych once a week.

As we speak though she is having her first bad patch in 3 weeks, although no where near as bad. Hasnt done anything on her 3 days off except read books and facebook. House is a tip and i have been non stop trying clean but hours later after our daughter messes it she doesnt seem to care.

Anyhow i will leave it and go to work next hour and hope its done when i get home. I was brought up in a clean house where she was nto which would be hard for her too also i guess. 

But the pills are doing the job, well i think its the pills.

cheers


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

brendan said:


> update on this issue. she got put on pills from the psych and she has been a different person since. The girl i use to know and love in fact.She has been happy and has had energy to do stuff and actually have fun and smile. Still sees the psych once a week.
> 
> As we speak though she is having her first bad patch in 3 weeks, although no where near as bad. Hasnt done anything on her 3 days off except read books and facebook. House is a tip and i have been non stop trying clean but hours later after our daughter messes it she doesnt seem to care.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:

Which med is she on?


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Be careful, my wife was diagnosed with depression and was put on some meds. To begin with they worked well, but then seemed to be too much after taking them for 2-3 weeks. She became very aggressive and defiant, didn't sleep, and went backwards from there. After I got into the doctors face, he reduced the dosage by 1/2 and it helped alot, then we started breaking those in 1/2 and eventually she stopped taking them and I got my wife back....until she lost her job...her dad died...and we had a daughter...


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

sorry for late reply, i believe its pristiq or something? whats that one like. she is better than she was 6 weeks ago thats for sure.

happier within herslef and too me but im finding has no energy to do the daily chores at times like, dishes, dinner to real late. i reckon i do 80% of house cleaning atm


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Pristiq is the slow release form of effexor. It's an SNRI and is one of the stronger medications of that type. It is very effective for the blackest depression. 

Some issues with Pristiq - effexor has the shortest biometabolic half life of all anti depressants. Less than 11 hrs in some cases. So if you miss dose or even miss the timing of a dose you are headed for trouble. Withdrawal from Pristiq/effexor is one of the worst of all the SSRI/SNRI's. Severe physical and mental distress are common. One common side effect of Pristiq which you don't see in most other similar drugs is weight gain. Sometimes a LOT of weight gain.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

It looks as if she needs some help. Is there family around to help allievate the burden from both of you until this episode is tackled?

Is there a dishwasher machine that can help make the task easier? 

You could use some quick onepot meals with a slow cooker and pressure cooker. One Pot Meals : Recipes and Cooking : Food Network

You both need help. Resentment is building. That is very bad for your marriage. 

Putting someone down when they are down is a downward spiral that is going no-where but down, down and out!


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## Vanessale1 (Aug 30, 2011)

don't loose hope. try to become her best friend and sortout the problems and thoughts running in her mind.
try it, surely you'll get success.

jcchristiancounseling.com


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I completely understand some people have medical issues, but constant problems for years on end are tough to deal with. When one marries, one basically declares they are physically and emotionally capable of being a husband or wife. Nobody signs up to be a selfless perpetual mental health caregiver for the rest of their lives. A relationship consists of two people with two sets of needs. I have a couple chronic medical issues and I occasionally get hurt on the job. I'm a husband and a father. Pain, frustration, sadness, etc, don't relieve me of my relationship responsibilities and they aren't excuses to treat those around me like dirt. If my medical issues seriously interfere with my ability to function as a husband or a father, it's my responsibility to get my situation squared away. 
I'm not psychic but I know with all certainty that 8 months from now, 8 years from now, my wife will be caustic, irritable, and she won't feel like having sex. It's very unlikely that she'll be doing any cooking and whatever I'm doing won't be appreciated. My world will consist of going to work, taking care of her, tolerating ill-treatment, and knowing with absolute conviction that whatever I may want just isn't going to happen. 
In a perfect world, those who are incapable of fulfilling their marital vows just wouldn't get married and the rest of us would be wise enough to identify and avoid them. Such isn't the case.
I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.
Marriage is about service and one cannot serve a partner when their focus remains intently and permanently on themselves and their own problems.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks all. As stated yes she is getting help once very 2nd week.
No - she doesnt have family close by. Family is a major reason for her depression (bunch of lazy nerds).

Think she has been on medication for about 5 weeks now. She has been much better, got a promotion in her job and has been going out with friends.

In home she is happier. Rarely has energy to cook o clean though so im trying to do that. Although at time makes me mad as it feels she is taking advantage. No sex in a long time and am thinking about alternate solutions to look after myself also although i dont thin i could do it.


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## SpiritualBeing (Sep 4, 2011)

Speaking as a person who has had depression since I was a little girl I had to jump in here. Although depression isn't something one can "turn off and on" it is a condition many people manage to hide. One can hold all the suffering, and pain of depression internally for fear of how people will view them, for fear of risking their job. Should they seek help? Absolutely, but some people feel like a failure or a loser for having to seek help (old fashioned I know). I feel like my husband has no idea how depressed I am because I have learned how to hide it so well (my Mom hides allllll emotion so I learned fast). I think alot of my family would be shocked to know how I suffer with it, and how many times I've thought about how it would just be easier if I didn't exist. It is a sad reality for so many people but I know how well it can be hiden. I hold down a good job and people I work with would be floored to know how I suffer in silence. Do I have to suffer in silence? Nope. Have I had therapy? Yep, for years I have. Does anyone know? Not really. Is that good? Not for me but for everyone else I think it's a blessing. I feel no joy for the most part in my life but I can still put on that big ass fake smile and pretend I do. Whether it's the right way or wrong way.....I dunno. I'm open to discussing it here because I don't know any of you.
I also think that a woman who works outside the home who is also responsible for all the cooking, cleaning, and such makes it that much worse. I know it does for me.


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## cressfromhell (Nov 19, 2008)

Unless you have been there, please don't talk about compassion. I was dealing with my wife's Depression for yrs. We agreed to go to marriage counseling along with her own personal shrink. I worked wonders and It is under control and everything is fine.

You have to come to a decision weather you are in it for the long haul. It's understandable if you can't bear it anymore. I have come really close to giving up myself.

Good luck.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

thanks all - havent been on here in a couple of weeks.

we have been real good for about 7 weeks since shes been on the pills, then last night we had a huge fight.

the last seven weeks she has gone out nightclubbing about 5 times with the girls which i was happy about at first seeing her out there.

But its got a bit out of control where as soon as one night is over all she is doing is planning the next fortnights plans.

Doesnt think about me if i have plans or work on, seems all about here. She even took 2 days off work to go nightclubbing. Not sure if work found out about it but suddenly she got a warning from work for being lazy.


Is this erratic behaviour normal on pristique?


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## varies (Nov 6, 2011)

May be she cheated on you. she wants to leave, but something keeps her.


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