# Fallout



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

One of the ancillary issues that bugs the **** out of me is that many of my WW's family and friends think I'm an ******* because to justify her affair she began to malign me to herself and her friends and family. I know her family thinks all the things she has been telling them for years are true and the same with her friends. The issue with her friends I can deal with- I asked her to go NC with all of them that knew (1 or 2) and she has agreed. But she can't go NC with her family. 

Part of me wants her to write a letter to them saying I was not a bad husband etc all this time but that she fabricated it to rationalize the A and that in fact I am a great guy and she doesn't really deserve me. Maybe they know this, but none of them will ever say it. IDK. It just bothers me that her lies are still out there. Anyone else deal with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

DO IT. In fact forget the letter, have her do it face to face with you and her parents and all other members of her side of the family being present. It should be a non-negotiable condition for you to stay married to her.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I like that idea. I am going to bring it up in MC. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Since she destroyed your reputation, she should be doing everything to restore it. It doesn't make sense that hers remains intact while yours is being tarnished. This should've been one of your conditions for reconciliation.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

slater said:


> I like that idea. I am going to bring it up in MC. Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do you need to bring it up in MC? As Count of Monte Cristo said, she destroyed your reputation to keep hers intact so it is HER JOB to restore it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> DO IT. In fact forget the letter, have her do it face to face with you and her parents and all other members of her side of the family being present. It should be a non-negotiable condition for you to stay married to her.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Great idea! Besides, having her write a letter is too formal for the family. They will just think that slater forced her to write it. Better it comes from her mouth in a face to face meeting.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Besides, having her write a letter is too formal for the family. They will just think that slater forced her to write it. Better it comes from her mouth in a face to face meeting.


Indeed. It is very hard for anybody to argue duress if she's in front of her entire FOO.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There aren't very many ways that a cheater can make up their betrayal to the loyal spouse.

This is one of them and she owes you this 100% and yes it must be face-to-face.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

slater said:


> One of the ancillary issues that bugs the **** out of me is that many of my WW's family and friends think I'm an ******* because to justify her affair she began to malign me to herself and her friends and family. I know her family thinks all the things she has been telling them for years are true and the same with her friends. The issue with her friends I can deal with- I asked her to go NC with all of them that knew (1 or 2) and she has agreed. But she can't go NC with her family.
> 
> My WS also blamed me for everything initially. The marriage counselor pointed out his own contradictions to those lies.
> 
> ...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

That same advice goes to you Sara8. Your husband must be made to stand in front of his family of FOO and confess what he did. It is called justice.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> That same advice goes to you Sara8. Your husband must be made to stand in front of his family of FOO and confess what he did. It is called justice.


Thank you so much morituri for saying that to me. 

I need to hear someone say that. The affair is so unjust, and I have told no one we both know other than the MC. 

I do think it would help me heal if everyone we know is apprised of the affair. 

It is really a trigger when people tell me what a good guy my husband is and here I know he cheated but I have not told them.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Slater, lots of good advice above, but keep in mind that it may make no difference -- they are going to think what they are going to think, and alas, you simply cannot control what other people think of you. You are certainly justified in asking her to set the record straight, but once that's done, you need to let it go. Their opinions are not your problem.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

morituri said:


> DO IT. In fact forget the letter, have her do it face to face with you and her parents and all other members of her side of the family being present. It should be a non-negotiable condition for you to stay married to her.


I took your advice and asked my wife to do this. I told her I felt she owed it to me. I was expecting pushback, and her usual reply of, "well, let's talk to the counselor." Instead I got, "OK, that seems reasonable. Let's think about a good time to get everyone together."

I was floored. I said thank you and she said, I didn't need to, that I should expect things like this from her. WOW! I am at a high point since D-day. We are doing a devotional together and it has really helped. I am more hopeful than ever. Thanks Morituri for the suggestion.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yay Slater!!!!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You're welcome.

Consider standing/sitting next to her and holding her hand - as a sign of unity, strength and love - when she confesses her affair to everybody.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

she has confessed prior- I exposed it a few months ago. But yes, I will try to support her as she eats crow in front of them all.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

i wish my ex h would do that even if we never reconcile. I am just hopeful that the truth always rises as they say


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

slater said:


> I took your advice and asked my wife to do this. I told her I felt she owed it to me. I was expecting pushback, and her usual reply of, "well, let's talk to the counselor." Instead I got, "OK, that seems reasonable. Let's think about a good time to get everyone together."
> 
> I was floored. I said thank you and she said, I didn't need to, that I should expect things like this from her. WOW! I am at a high point since D-day. We are doing a devotional together and it has really helped. I am more hopeful than ever. Thanks Morituri for the suggestion.


Wow. That's definitely a good sign. I think you two may be able to recover successfully.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Wow. It sounds like she really means the R. Good for you.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Thanks guys for the encouraging words. They mean a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That's amazing. MC must be doing wonders. Glad for you Slater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

so today I was going through old email. I can't seem to get a good thing going. I have had a feeling there was more to the affair, possibly other guys. I have no proof, but some small signs. The thing is, after realizing my instincts were right, now I am hypersensitive, thinking I am always right. Maybe I'm right in my suspicion, maybe not. She swears it was just the one OM, and has worked hard at R, but part of me just can't let it go.

I may be torpedoing the whole thing. It's a double edged sword. Lack of trust is a motherf-er. It haunts me. One minute I want it to work, then next I want to blow it up. The mind movies are taking their toll. I asked for details and got them. They did a couple things she would never do for me. Now I can't sleep.

Part of me says, follow her current actions- she is working hard at R. Part of me says, she will never tell the truth for fear it is so bad I won't be able to handle it.

I have a long recording from her car from d-day-1. She was busy, on the phone with OM, and had a friend in the car who knew. It is a real a$$ kicker. Talk of D, talk of her issues with wanting the a$$hole guy etc. It alludes to there being other guys, but not exactly. Know what I mean? She vehemently denies, but also knows if I knew about more i would walk. I am a man tormented.

maybe another G&T will help.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Polygraph for her, Slater.


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## JustMe321 (May 9, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> It is really a trigger when people tell me what a good guy my husband is and here I know he cheated but I have not told them.


Exactly the same for me. Exactly. Such a lonely place to be.


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## OddBall2 (Apr 13, 2012)

I hear your pain and torture trying to work on R but being separated and wishing for a R it's hard for me to relate. I have been trying to read Divorce Remedy but it just doesn't fit my situation with her not wanting to give up the EA (supposedly no longer physical.....) I guess regardless of our situations we are all to strive to improve ourselves and be able to respect ourselves in the end.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Slater, be sure to tell her that the things she did with him and didn't do with you, defined her. They say everything about her and nothing about you. You asked her to do those things out of love and a sense of adventure in your marriage. She gave it to him that way out of obligation (because she had no respect for herself. ie she was already treating herself like *****, why should he treat her any different). The difference......he used her....you loved her. Ask her which way made her feel better about herself?


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

slater said:


> I took your advice and asked my wife to do this. I told her I felt she owed it to me. I was expecting pushback, and her usual reply of, "well, let's talk to the counselor." Instead I got, "OK, that seems reasonable. Let's think about a good time to get everyone together."
> 
> I was floored. I said thank you and she said, I didn't need to, that I should expect things like this from her. WOW! I am at a high point since D-day. We are doing a devotional together and it has really helped. I am more hopeful than ever. Thanks Morituri for the suggestion.


Follow up-

Our meeting is set for Tuesday morning. We discussed it with our MC and she thought it was great, but wanted to be sure my WW had a plan in place. Ill let you all know how it goes. We had a great date last night. I am trying hard not to sabotage this.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Slater,

What Mori said about her confessing the truth to her parents is exactly the condition I put on my fWW. I will never know what she said to her mother in fact, but during the time of her affairs her father changed his will and "wrote me out" due to her complaints. I really could care less. 

She pleaded with me to not tell them the truth. I told her I was not going to have a relationship with them anymore unless they knew the truth of her betrayal (800lb gorilla in corner), but I would not tell them. That was her responsibility. We met in their kitchen a few days after dday and I just sat there and watched as their impression of their perfect little "princess", "pumpkin", "darling" was changed forever.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

RWB said:


> Slater,
> 
> What Mori said about her confessing the truth to her parents is exactly the condition I put on my fWW. I will never know what she said to her mother in fact, but during the time of her affairs her father changed his will and "wrote me out" due to her complaints. I really could care less.
> 
> She pleaded with me to not tell them the truth. I told her I was not going to have a relationship with them anymore unless they knew the truth of her betrayal (800lb gorilla in corner), but I would not tell them. That was her responsibility. We met in their kitchen a few days after dday and I just sat there and watched as their impression of their perfect little "princess", "pumpkin", "darling" was changed forever.


I know EXACTLY how you felt. Afyer d-day- I exposed to her parents and brother. But I didn't know it all- she was TTing me. And when she told her father she didn't even tell him what I knew. 3 days later I had 95% of it. I called him to tell him the REAL truth, because like you "I was not going to have a relationship with them anymore unless they knew the truth of her betrayal" Her dad and I haven't spoken since.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its amazing how the infidelity can have a chain of effected poeple a mile long. 
Thanks for sharing slater, I hope some waywards see this and realize the chain of poeple that are effected by there choices.

Can I assume that you and FIL had a good relationship before your wife desided to step out of the marriage?


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

the guy said:


> Its amazing how the infidelity can have a chain of effected poeple a mile long.
> Thanks for sharing slater, I hope some waywards see this and realize the chain of poeple that are effected by there choices.
> 
> Can I assume that you and FIL had a good relationship before your wife desided to step out of the marriage?


We did. In fact I was a professional advisor to him. I had to drop him as a client out of conflict of interest. 

Hell- my kids haven't seen their cousins (my nephews) since Jan because of the rift b/w my BIL and myself. He was upset at exposure, felt I was being punitive.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Slater

The hell with your BIL.

Your kids and their cousins will see each other sooner or later.

Your BIL just needs a kick to his nuts as an attitude adjustment.

HM64


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

slater said:


> Hell- my kids haven't seen their cousins (my nephews) since Jan because of the rift b/w my BIL and myself. He was upset at exposure, felt I was being punitive.


He would sing a different tune if his wife messed around on him.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

@slater,

My FIL, MIL just sat their stunned, like hearing the death of their daughter (my wife). My wife even tried to lie and TT them when they asked questions (in front of me). It was her nature by now... she had lied to them also for years too. I knew way more than she thought. Amazing what you can find out in a week when the first truth is known. 

My In-Laws and I still have a good relationship, but the 800 pounder sits forever in the corner. 

On a related thread, I too wish I would of got my head out my a$$ and looked for a this site 8+ years ago.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There is the stereotypical belief that infidelity is still a male thing. So when the parents of an unfaithful wife hear from their own daughter's mouth that she has betrayed her husband in the most vile of ways (serial cheating), the shock is very great indeed.


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