# My husband the roommate



## want2bme.com (Nov 29, 2010)

So, here it is- I haven't said this outloud yet- I am fighting with my self to stay or leave my marriage. I have been married almost 10 years. I can say that things used to be different, but i'd be lying. You see years ago my husband had a drug problem- now he has a drinking problem (though he "doesn't get drunk"). I helped him to get off the heavy drugs he was on-then he got hooked on prescription drugs-so I left w/ our young child-moved up north, two weeks later he came up. Ok. he never held a job longer than a year- now he is doing very well-minus the drinking that isn't a problem....the problem is that we don't sleep together. Haven't really ever. His excuse is that he doen't want to go up and down the stairs for the bathroom(he is only 50). We have sep. checking accounts and he puts $ in my account to pay the rent etc...great! But I feel as though our $ should be "joint" accounts-not mine, not his. He never asks how I am, what my day was like- my thoughts, feelings etc. No, he comes home from work the first thing he does is get a drink-before saying hello. Then he starts in about his day-fine, vent! but damn it say hello! I have said all this to him, and I feel he is literally incapable of putting others first. I am constantly cleaning up his messes-from laundry to getting arreseted for possesion. I stay because I know he loves me in his own way, but I have come to terms lately that things will never change! I am not sure I have ever really loved him. Now, our son is 10. I want to go back to school to finish my degree and his response is "what are you going to do with (our son)." I do not get the support I need from him. I am sure any one reading is saying if it is so bad, why the hell are you still there? My biggest fear is that he will go off the deepend. I can't deal with that. So, bottom line- the roommate part-we don't sleep toghether (not sex), we have sep accounts, we rarely do anything together-no going out to have fun (unless I drive), and we don't talk and I don't know how to leave! Everyone loves him-his co-workers, my parents, my family...he tries to be a good guy and he will do anything for anyone, I see the good in him. I am not afraid of being alone- I am afraid of what will happen to him- but damnit I want a husband not another child! I don't want a roommate- I am broke and live in a town where it is difficult to find a job other than rest/hospit. I want to pack it all up and move on-but at least my roommate pays the rent! if anyone has any suggestions or wants to tell me to quite whining, or if they have a simialr sit, I would love to hear about it!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He loves you in his own way? Sounds a lot like he's exploiting you, but you're there and I'm not. I was looking through your post for some evidence than he places your needs above his own...even once in a while. Looked for evidence that he places the needs of his child above his own. Didn't find either. Looks like a miserable life built upon selfishness and exploitation. He would do anything for anybody? Except have sex with his wife, go places with her, talk to her, show some concern for her well-being? If a person doesn't feel good about themselves, they have very little to offer anyone else. If he feels good about himself, what's all the self-medicating about? Every nickle he spends on self-medicating is a decision to spend money on himself rather than on his family. Every hour he spends buzzed, drunk, stoned, high, or in jail, is a decision to spend potential family time on himself. If that's showing love, I'm glad he don't love me.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

He's taken you for granted. Shake things up a little. Talk to him about your concerns. Move out to your folks, if he appreciates you truly and wishes to change, he'll make the steps to make it so.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

I don't really have much advice, but I can say that I am in the same place, and it is hard. The only reason I have stayed is because of my two sons, ages 6 and 7. My husband and I also live like very distant roomates. And for me, it has turned in to me being suspicious of everything he does. I don't know that he is having an affair, or that he would, but I am always suspecting him of something. Because I know he is not happy either, and if he is not getting affection and the normal relationship stuff from me, then I feel like he must be getting it somewhere.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

It def sounds as though he takes you for granted, i say this because of how you descrbed your husband but also because i didnt read of anything that your husband does to make you feel "special" or even just äppreciated" and this is so important in a marriage and needs to go both ways. With out it the other party begins to feel the way that you are now.
I read that you stay with him because you know he loves you in his own way, but is that what you want? or do you need more and if so do you think he will ever be able to change?

I think it is great that you have stood by him during the drug and alchol issues, that must have been very hard on you both, he is a vey lucky man to have someone supportive like you.


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## laurelanne (Nov 29, 2010)

Go to your Mothers...and work from there on a future for you and kids. Can you suffer through a couple years at Mom's to get through school? Get a good degree and a job and you have a new beginning...and the paychecks to make it happen. I doubt he will go too far off the deepend...he may pretend he is going to...but I think he may love his drugs too much....they provide for him the #1 comfort....even more than suicide...he's not going to change without huge, very drastic measures! Such as a real true life encounter with God! Intense counseling that he is agreeable to and compliant with.

He does not have the power or will in himself right now to change himself to any significant level at all. So unless very drastic life changing things occur...you either live with it...or move in temporarily with Mom...if possible....because it's going to be way too heard to try to deal with all this and go to school for however long all at the same time...too much will be going on to allow it to really happen.

I lived with parents for a year or so with 2 kids...got Nursing degree...and was able to make a new way. Didn't like staying at parents...it was a bit of burden on everyone...but it was the only way.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You say that you are afraid of what will happen to him. I'm not quite sure what you mean by that. Are you afraid he will self harm? Or that his life will just tank in a major way if you're not there to "clean up his messes" for him? 
If it's the latter...give his life back to him. You could possibly be enabling his behavior. If he gets arrested, oh well. He shouldn't have put himself in that position. There's no law that says you have to jump up there with bail money. Let HIM be responsible for HIM. Give it all back to him on a silver platter. 
If it's the former, again..give his life to him. You can't prevent him from doing something to himself if he's so inclined. And if he's using that as a threat to keep you there, then you're being blackmailed. I'm not sure what you mean by what will happen to him..I just don't have enough info. 
But you don't sound like you want to be in this marriage anymore. If you've done everything in your power to try and change things, and they're still unbearable..see a lawyer. You see, I'm not an advocate for staying where you're unhappy. I wasted 15 years of my life doing that. It hit me hard one day that I get ONE go-round in this life...just ONE. I don't get any do-overs. It was then that I decided I had wasted enough time. I got out, went on and got happy. I just didn't want to be on my death bed and look back with TOO many regrets. I'm sorry if that sounds maudlin..but it's just the way I looked at it. I just reclaimed my life, and I'm so glad I did. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

If your husband is a drug addict, he should not be drinking alcohol. Period. He has simply changed the drug to alcohol. And, in case you aren't educated on alcoholism (you didn't say), a person doesn't need to drink every day, or get drunk every time to be an alcoholic. Alcoholism isn't only about the alcohol, it's also about the behavior of the person. Alcoholics (all addicts in fact) are manipulative, selfish individuals. They don't mean to be, but their disease has control over them even when they are "sober." Being in recovery requires hard work on a constant basis, AA, NA, and/or individual counseling. I've just separated from my husband because of his alcoholism - I'm not going to put my details in there, cause this isn't about me. My point is, it will only get worse and it is affecting your child - I thought it wasn't affecting mine, but it was. And your comment about being worried what will happen to him if you leave - you need to do what's right for you and your child. He's a grown man and you can't worry about that - it's HARD beleive me, I KNOW! But you are enabling him, and as long as you do, it will continue, and it will get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, just like any disease. It gets worse over time.


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## want2bme.com (Nov 29, 2010)

thank-you, it has been very hard-which I think is why I have finally come to terms with this relationship. I know I need to stand up for my son and I, and after the holidays I am going to start looking for resources to move on. Thank-you all for the support!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I wish you all the best in the world, and a happy life!


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## Mom21 (Dec 8, 2010)

I signed up at this site so I could specifically address your problem. I am in a very similar situation. I have known my husband since I was 15 and married him at age 27 against everyone's advice. I knew he had huge problems with alcohol and drug addiction but I was naive and I honestly thought he would change for me. And he did change...for a while. He was sober for a few years and we had one child during that time. He later went back to drinking. While I was busting my butt trying to build a home, he was out partying every single day. Not only was I taking care of our son, but I was holding down two jobs to pay the bills, as well as doing all the housework, banking, shopping, and cooking. I even did all the yard work. My husband didn't lift a finger to help me and it was exhausting living with someone like this. 

But I always thought that our marriage would be wonderful if only he could quit the drugs and alcohol and I hung on to that hope. He finally sought help and quit all his vices. He has now been clean and sober for the last 10 years. The first couple of years were great and he would help around the house and spend time with our son but I can see things changing again. He now claims to have a back problem (so he can get Vicodin) and uses that as an excuse to not do anything around the house. I am back to doing everything by myself. He doesn't sleep in our bed and says he needs to sleep on the couch because it's better for his back, etc. He sleeps all day and stays up all night so I am pretty much alone all the time. I am sick of living like this. I cannot tell you how many times I have wished I could have gone back in time and never married this man. 

I am 52 years old and feel I never had a real marriage. My life has been nothing more than this man taking advantage of me and using me to pay his way through life. I have plans to leave my husband as soon as my son graduates high school and moves on to college. I won't have to worry about splitting property as we are now underwater in our mortgage and we have zero debt. It should be a nice easy break. I have mentioned this to my husband so that he can be prepared to take care of himself when this happens. He had the nerve to ask me how I could do this to him after all he's done for me over the years. I swear he's delusional. I used to be like you and worry about what would happen to this man if I wasn't there to pick him up and fix his mistakes. But guess what? I don't care what happens to him anymore. This man has taken my entire life away from me. I was supposed to be his wife not his mother. 

I would hate for you to end up like me. I basically gave up what I wanted in life so that my husband could get everything he wanted. That's not a marriage and that's not fair. Do yourself a favor and get out while you're young.


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

Have heard of "co-dependence"? He has drug, alcohol dependence and you have the dependence of helping him out of trouble. He needs you to help him and you need him to fill an emotional void in your life. Only take one to break the cycle? Who's first in line? 

If he hits bottom, it has nothing to do with you! He is an adult, correct? Even children have accountability. If you don't want another kid then tell him the cut off in your house is anyone older than "20" get out otherwise contribute like a partner. It sounds like he has never had to be accountable and he found you a "rescuer" to help him. People don't make drastic changes until they hit rock bottom...you may be saving him from one of life's best lessons.


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