# Advice



## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

I’ve been married nearly 20 years and just now realized that my husband has been masturbating to porn and just nudes of naked women. However he has lied to me over and over about this so I checked his phone and seen it on there. 
Now I know that in some marriages it is welcomed and I’m not downing anyone for that but in mine I do not want or agree with it. I take it offensively because I feel like when he has a ‘reaction’ to it he gives a part of himself to someone else. I find that extremely hurtful because when I married him I meant those vows especially the part forsake all others. Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off single cause there are days I can’t even look at him and there are more days that I regret marrying him.
Thoughts?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am with you. I wouldn't put up with this at all.
I remember a lady I got to know a few years back who was so fed up with her husband's long term porn use that she was ready to leave. She gave him the option of her of the porn and amazingly he stopped. He knew she meant it. Shame he hadn't stopped years before but it does go to show that when he thought his marriage was over he could do it.

What are your thoughts on this? Is he prepared to stop? Does he know how very upset you are?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Is he choosing porn over sex with you? Do you deny him sex on a regular basis?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Btw a lot of men here will try and tell you it's ok or even that's it's your fault. Just ignore them.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you’re not having sex with him on a regular basis then what do you expect him to do? If you are and he’s doing it anyway after you asked him to stop then he’s an ass. If he said he would stop and he didn’t, he’s an ass.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I’m not excusing him except to say internet porn has completely infiltrated our culture. Perhaps if he is truly sorrowful and willing to firmly amend his ways you could forgive him? Would he trade his phone for a non-browser flip phone to save his marriage? Is he a follower of Jesus such that he also has a faith based reason to quit? If so, that’d make it easier- not just all on you/him. So sorry, sister.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> If you’re not having sex with him on a regular basis then what do you expect him to do? If you are and he’s doing it anyway after you asked him to stop then he’s an ass. If he said he would stop and he didn’t, he’s an ass.


Porn is so disrespectful and even if you aren't having sex as much as you would like it's still very damaging to the marriage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Porn is so disrespectful and even if you aren't having sex as much as you would like it's still very damaging to the marriage.


Sure if it’s anywhere in the ball park. If you have a dead bedroom I think that’s also very damaging to the marriage.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I am with you. I wouldn't put up with this at all.
> I remember a lady I got to know a few years back who was so fed up with her husband's long term porn use that she was ready to leave. She gave him the option of her of the porn and amazingly he stopped. He knew she meant it. Shame he hadn't stopped years before but it does go to show that when he thought his marriage was over he could do it.
> 
> What are your thoughts on this? Is he prepared to stop? Does he know how very upset you are?


We tried therapy but it didn’t work. Honestly I don’t know if he is. Yes I’ve cried in front of him a lot and he seems sincere. He says he has stopped but I’m not with him all the time.


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

OnTheRocks said:


> Is he choosing porn over sex with you? Do you deny him sex on a regular basis?


That’s just the weird thing out sex life is great 3x a week at least that’s what confuses me about all of this


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Btw a lot of men here will try and tell you it's ok or even that's it's your fault. Just ignore them.


I sure will cause no one could ever change my morals


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## thatgirl1999 (12 mo ago)

CatholicDad said:


> I’m not excusing him except to say internet porn has completely infiltrated our culture. Perhaps if he is truly sorrowful and willing to firmly amend his ways you could forgive him? Would he trade his phone for a non-browser flip phone to save his marriage? Is he a follower of Jesus such that he also has a faith based reason to quit? If so, that’d make it easier- not just all on you/him. So sorry, sister.


We have discussed getting a flip phone I just want to make sure that he can resist temptation.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

thatgirl1999 said:


> That’s just the weird thing out sex life is great 3x a week at least that’s what confuses me about all of this


How often does he want to have sex? If it’s a lot more than that it could still explain his behavior.

With that said if my wife was really upset with my behavior and it was because I wanted more sex I’d just try to get her to match my drive. So maybe he does really have an issue with porn.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

my opinion, without any further info, is that the sex at home is boring and he need more and kinkier sex.

it is fine if you are against his masturbation to porn. but it is maybe partly your fault as he is not getting the sexual relief he actually needs in the marriage? it does not sound like he is very outside of the norm for husbands.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

thatgirl1999 said:


> We have discussed getting a flip phone I just want to make sure that he can resist temptation.


Either a flip phone or some content filter/tracking software is enough to circumvent the impulse. Cleanbrowsing.org as a DNS lookup on your home router is good to (easy/free though imperfect porn blocking). Everyone should do this to keep kids from accessing porn too.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You want to hear what you want to hear, but the reality of it is that you can't stop him from masturbating if he so desires it, even if his masturbation is affecting your quality and quantity of your sexual life.

Men, porn or not porn, with the exception of the outliners will masturbate. Masturbation is normal, is part of what we are as highly sexual primates. If you view masturbation or think of it due to some sort of religious stuff that is some kind of sin, or an aberration, then you are sadly mistaken. 

Having said that, if he's using porn and it's affecting your intimacy, that's another issue. 
You just can't stopped a guy from masturbating. Plus, is his decision to do it, not yours. If you want a man that will not masturbate, good luck with that, probably you will need to advertise for a asexual or very low desire male.



Diana7 said:


> Btw a lot of men here will try and tell you it's ok or even that's it's your fault. Just ignore them.


Once again, you and your sense of morality trying to push it through everyone's throat. It is so annoying to have to put up with proselytizing by religious people.

To most men (except those that are hook on it), watching the occasional porn to get off, when needed to just relax, means nothing, there's no emotional involvement, it's just a visual stimulant to get off easy.
It is my opinion that women that try to control and forbid their partner from masturbation are nothing but control freak hypocrites and their husbands weak dudes that are under the wife's thumbs. 

Is your husband not meeting your sexual needs? If not, then you have a problem. If he's meeting your sexual needs, then, you're making it about you, when in reality is not at all. You're just being a controlling woman. Like I said, if you want a man that doesn't masturbate to porn, dump your husband and get one of those weird, sexually repressed by religion or whatever dudes that don't do it, or an asexual.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do you feel loved? Does your husband take good care of you? What are your other complaints? You say the sex is great. 
what else is lacking in the marriage?

Surely there’s bigger problems than masturbating to porn once in a while?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> Sure if it’s anywhere in the ball park. If you have a dead bedroom I think that’s also very damaging to the marriage.


True, but 2 wrongs don't make a right.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> You want to hear what you want to hear, but the reality of it is that you can't stop him from masturbating if he so desires it, even if his masturbation is affecting your quality and quantity of your sexual life.
> 
> Men, porn or not porn, with the exception of the outliners will masturbate. Masturbation is normal, is part of what we are as highly sexual primates. If you view masturbation or think of it due to some sort of religious stuff that is some kind of sin, or an aberration, then you are sadly mistaken.
> 
> ...


You do realise that masturbation and porn are two different things surely. 
You can do one without the other. She never mentioned having an issue with masturbation but porn. 
Btw my beliefs about porn are nothing to do with my faith, I knew it was damaging much earlier than that. Plus it's a view that many share. 
You prove the point I made to the op, with some men like you here telling her it's her fault her husband acts badly and there is nothing wrong with porn. Who try and make out that any men who don't watch porn must be 'sexually repressed by religion' or weak dudes who are 'under their wives thumb'. Or even asexual. 
Thankfully there are many good men here on TAM and elsewhere who don't share your views and who love and respect their wives.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Do you feel loved? Does your husband take good care of you? What are your other complaints? You say the sex is great.
> what else is lacking in the marriage?
> 
> Surely there’s bigger problems than masturbating to porn once in a while?


It is a big problem to her and many people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> my opinion, without any further info, is that the sex at home is boring and he need more and kinkier sex.
> 
> it is fine if you are against his masturbation to porn. but it is maybe partly your fault as he is not getting the sexual relief he actually needs in the marriage? it does not sound like he is very outside of the norm for husbands.


🤦


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I sure will cause no one could ever change my morals


Stand firm. Porn use is so disrespectful and so damaging for him and your marriage. 
Its a form of cheating where his sexual energies are not focused on you but on other women. 
Has he said he will stop?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thatgirl1999 said:


> That’s just the weird thing out sex life is great 3x a week at least that’s what confuses me about all of this


Some men will use porn regardless. Don't let anyone tell you its your fault. His behaviour is down to him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It’s not her fault in any way. But, he likely is not purposefully trying to hurt or offend her and he probably isn’t comparing her to porn like some ladies fear. It’s a weakness. Simple as that. Nobody is perfect. Perhaps she can’t live with his type of crazy. I wonder if she has any weaknesses that bother him deeply that he never mentions because he loves her?
This hurts you OP. But it’s a difficult thing to help you on. I agree that the porn is a bad thing. Is it a dealbreaker for you?
Only you can determine that. It’s not an uncommon thing, although uncommonly hurtful to you. Maybe weigh the bad in the man against the good and see what wins out?
It all boils down to whether he wants to fix this weakness or not, or if you could learn to live with it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Thankfully there are many good men here on TAM and elsewhere who don't share your views and who love and respect their wives.


That's according to you. There's nothing disrespectful to your partner with watching porn, unless you want to make an issue of it. And from where I stand, experience has taught me that it is usually the religious repressed people that object to it as a sin.
So according to you only men that do not watch porn are good men, yeah, right. 

Moreover, you proved nothing other than what you believe to be true. Just remember, believing in something doesn't necessarily makes it true.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> That's according to you. There's nothing disrespectful to your partner with watching porn, unless you want to make an issue of it. And from where I stand, experience has taught me that it is usually the religious repressed people that object to it as a sin.
> So according to you only men that do not watch porn are good men, yeah, right.
> 
> Moreover, you proved nothing other than what you believe to be true. Just remember, believing in something doesn't necessarily makes it true.


Its nothing to do with being repressed, religiously or not. Its about wanting the focus of our sex to be on each other and not on others. To be faithful in mind as well as body. 
There is no way that I would ever treat my husband that way. I love and respect him far too much.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I’ve been married nearly 20 years and *just now realized that my husband has been masturbating to porn* and just nudes of naked women. However *he has lied to me over and over about this* so I checked his phone and seen it on there.
> Now I know that in some marriages it is welcomed and *I’m not downing anyone for that but in mine I do not want or agree with it.* I take it offensively because I feel like when he has a ‘reaction’ to it he gives a part of himself to someone else. *I find that extremely hurtful *because when I married him I meant those vows especially the part forsake all others. *Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off single cause there are days I can’t even look at him and there are more days that I regret marrying him*.
> *Thoughts?*


Dear thatgirl1999;

Yes I have a few thoughts. After 20 years of marriage you probably know your husband pretty well. He also probably knows you as well. That means that he can tell by your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and past actions how you feel about things.

Since "porn" is such a "trigger" to you emotionally, do you feel that you husband knows how much you dislike those activities since the beggining of your marriage?

Put yourself in his shoes for a moment. If he knows you strongly don't like something, would you be tempted to hide it from you? You probably would. It would be better if he gave it up for your happiness wouldn't it?. 

One of the things I learned in rebuilding my marriage was that I can't control my wife or force her to do things. If I need more sex than she can provide, I can't force her to want more sex. That is something she has to do and want. I can provide positive feedback, but I can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do.

The point being you can't force your husband to give up either masturbation or porn. You can express your feelings to him and if he decides to change, you can offer him positive feedback so it becomes a changed thing in his life. 

Have you sat down with him and told him that the next time he wants to look at porn or masturbate, you would ask him to come to you and that you will try to make him feel good, loved and sexually satisfied. Tell him it is important to you and it would make you happy. That might be a way to help him change his behavior. Of course you would have to walk the talk and he would want to trust you enough to try. If he comes to you and you just can't do it, maybe you can tell him that you can't it right now, but that he can choose either later tonight or first thing in the morning and for waiting you will make it extra special. The choice of positive or negative reinforcement is yours.

Obviously, this issue makes you contemplate being single and regretting marrying him. Have you sat down and really weighed what those words really mean? 20 years of marriage must have held a few positive moments. But it is clearly you choice to stay married or not. Do you and your husband have any positives you can focus on? Do they outweigh the porn and masturbation? Have you tried everything to "help him" stop or are you commanding him to stop?

I wish you and your husband luck in finding happiness. You get to make choices in your life, but you need to accept the consequences of your choices and actions.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> True, but 2 wrongs don't make a right.


So what is your approved remedy? He stops porn and masturbation and then what?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> So what is your approved remedy? He stops porn and masturbation and then what?


Stops porn. I just don't get why anyone would carry on doing something that hurts their spouse so much.
I stopped smoking for my children when they were tiny. If we love someone we will surely not want to hurt them or risk harming them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear thatgirl1999;
> 
> Yes I have a few thoughts. After 20 years of marriage you probably know your husband pretty well. He also probably knows you as well. That means that he can tell by your facial expressions, body language, tone of voice and past actions how you feel about things.
> 
> ...


You make some good points. In marriage we can set boundaries of what we will and wont accept and then its up to the spouse whether they will respect that or not.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

What kind of porn does he watch?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Stops porn. I just don't get why anyone would carry on doing something that hurts their spouse so much.
> I stopped smoking for my children when they were tiny. If we love someone we will surely not want to hurt them or risk harming them.


So masturbation is ok? Can he think about a woman other than his wife during that? What about something like a Victoria’s Secret catalog?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> So masturbation is ok? Can he think about a woman other than his wife during that? What about something like a Victoria’s Secret catalog?


People masturbated without porn throughout history. 
How about thinking of his wife?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> People masturbated without porn throughout history.
> How about thinking of his wife?


Maybe that doesn’t work because he can’t help thinking of her complaining that he’s masturbating? Quite a wood chopper…,
Maybe he just wants to fantasize a little but isn’t interested whatsoever in another woman in real life?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> People masturbated without porn throughout history.
> How about thinking of his wife?


The OP hasn’t posted in a while so we have no idea why the guy is masturbating and watching porn; but let’s consider the hypothetical case of a LD spouse in a dead bedroom as masturbation material; doesn’t sound that great to me.

Maybe the correct Diana-approved solution is to leave?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I’ve been married nearly 20 years and just now realized that my husband has been masturbating to porn and just nudes of naked women. However he has lied to me over and over about this so I checked his phone and seen it on there.
> Now I know that in some marriages it is welcomed and I’m not downing anyone for that but in mine I do not want or agree with it. I take it offensively because I feel like when he has a ‘reaction’ to it he gives a part of himself to someone else. I find that extremely hurtful because when I married him I meant those vows especially the part forsake all others. Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off single cause there are days I can’t even look at him and there are more days that I regret marrying him.
> Thoughts?


A few questions

Assuming you are happy with the sexual intimacy you get from him, would you be okay with him masturbating without it?
Do you ever masturbate?
You finish by saying you feel like you would be better off single and regret marrying him. Is your only problem with him that he watches porn? Those statements sound like their are other problems.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Maybe that doesn’t work because he can’t help thinking of her complaining that he’s masturbating? Quite a wood chopper…,
> Maybe he just wants to fantasize a little but isn’t interested whatsoever in another woman in real life?


She has every reason to be unhappy about what the does. Maybe he should actually focus on his wife and marriage and not on other women?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> The OP hasn’t posted in a while so we have no idea why the guy is masturbating and watching porn; but let’s consider the hypothetical case of a LD spouse in a dead bedroom as masturbation material; doesn’t sound that great to me.
> 
> Maybe the correct Diana-approved solution is to leave?


Loads of men watch porn regardless of them having a wife who wants sex. We see that here a lot.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> The OP hasn’t posted in a while so we have no idea why the guy is masturbating and watching porn; but let’s consider the hypothetical case of a LD spouse in a dead bedroom as masturbation material; doesn’t sound that great to me.
> 
> Maybe the correct Diana-approved solution is to leave?


She made very strong statements about regretting marrying him and rather be single. I would be really surprised if that all came from his porn use. Maybe that one thing is a total dela breaker for her, but I bet there is more to the story.

She did say they have sex 3x a week, so not a dead bedroom, unless she just lays there and lets him do his thing.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I don't know what "advice" the OP was looking for, all she wanted was confirmation of her bias. Because, like it or not, regardless of what a couple of very strongly opinioned posters might say, porn in marriage is pretty normal, usually harmless and not a big deal. Unless of course you are a control freak who tries police the thoughts of your spouse. I call that incredibly naive or incredibly stupid.

In the ops defence, if when they first got together, she said porn is a massive no no, she has every right to hold her husband to account


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Regardless of what an individual thinks of the material itself, he did agree to stop he then said he stopped and is lying about it.

That’s not good (the lying).


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> She did say they have sex 3x a week, so not a dead bedroom, unless she just lays there and lets him do his thing.


If 3x a week is much less than her husband wants to have sex then to him it’s a big problem anyway.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Loads of men watch porn regardless of them having a wife who wants sex. We see that here a lot.


Sure but that’s not this case. The OP hasn’t come to complain her husband won’t touch her because he’s busy with porn.

We don’t know why the OP’s husband can’t stop and is lying about it.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Sure but that’s not this case. The OP hasn’t come to complain her husband won’t touch her because he’s busy with porn.
> 
> We don’t know why the OP’s husband can’t stop and is lying about it.


Yes it seems the op came here looking for support to use porn use as grounds for divorce


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off single cause there are days I can’t even look at him and there are more days that I regret marrying him.
> Thoughts?


My thought is that this sentence says it all.
If you are subliminally sending this message to him, it is no wonder he is into porn.
How to fix this? Be honest with yourself. Act accordingly.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Maybe he should actually focus on his wife and marriage and not on other women?


You see here, you see how you distort things due to your bias. Men when masturbating to porn are not in any way shape or form focusing on other women. What you need to be able to understand is that for males (most anyway) is just a brief visual stimulation to get off, nothing else. After the male gets off, that visual stimulation is gone out of his head, forgotten. But to females like you, and quite most females is all about you, your insecurities, the skewed brain process where you think that the partner is replacing you, or is not so much attracted to you because of those hot bodies to which he's visually using for his mastubation.

I can perfectly understand the problem when pornography becomes an issue to the relationship due to the male seeking porn as the only or most of his sexual release. Then there's a problem and a serious one for the relationship. But to your average dude that occasionally uses porn for a quick release, that's not a problem. If the couple made a pact/agreement that not porn is allowed, and then one of them breaks it then the offended party should just leave, because in reality the probabilities of the partner stopping using porn are almost nil. That's reality, why continue to force something that in all probabilities will not stop.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> You see here, you see how you distort things due to your bias. Men when masturbating to porn are not in any way shape or form focusing on other women. What you need to be able to understand is that for males (most anyway) is just a brief visual stimulation to get off, nothing else. After the male gets off, that visual stimulation is gone out of his head, forgotten. But to females like you, and quite most females is all about you, your insecurities, the skewed brain process where you think that the partner is replacing you, or is not so much attracted to you because of those hot bodies to which he's visually using for his mastubation.
> 
> I can perfectly understand the problem when pornography becomes an issue to the relationship due to the male seeking porn as the only or most of his sexual release. Then there's a problem and a serious one for the relationship. But to your average dude that occasionally uses porn for a quick release, that's not a problem. If the couple made a pact/agreement that not porn is allowed, and then one of them breaks it then the offended party should just leave, because in reality the probabilities of the partner stopping using porn are almost nil. That's reality, why continue to force something that in all probabilities will not stop.


When I've masturbated to porn, which I have stopped doing, I know I wasn't focusing on other women. Quite the contrary. The thought usually going through my mind was that I wanted to do to my wife what I was seeing on screen. In part that is actually why I stopped. I started actually seeing my wife in those scenes in my mind and I didn't care for it anymore. The ratio of porn involving what appears to be a loving, or even steamy session of sex to those that degrade women in a multitude of ways is easily 1:1000. It just didn't turn me on anymore.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It all boils down to what you're willing to tolerate. How much betrayal is too much betrayal. Things change over time, if they've been together 20 years she knows that she can never compete with the women in porn. No matter how good a shape someone is in, after 40 a woman is going to be hard pressed to win against a 22 year old, coke-fed, nipped-and-tucked sex worker. So I get it, something thought was special between them, isn't, and she will never be enough because she simply can't turn back the clock. The disgust she feels is understandable, it's likely not directed at him specifically but more at the hopelessness of the situation overall.

I hope the OP has a job, so she can afford to get out if she really can't accept that the sexual part of her marriage is over. That's the decision in front of her: what can she live with? He's made it clear he doesn't care how she feels. He probably never did, I can't imagine how devastated she must be.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> she knows that she can never compete with the women in porn. No matter how good a shape someone is in, after 40 a woman is going to be hard pressed to win against a 22 year old, coke-fed, nipped-and-tucked sex worker.


Once again, it seems that females just want to see what they want to see because of your body insecurities, mostly (even the most beautiful women in this world think that there's something wrong with their body). Most males while masturbating to porn are never, not even close to comparing their wife's body to the porn prostitute in the movie clip. Most men are not seeking, lusting after, wanting to replace, or be thinking that their wife is some frumpy old woman. Most men are just using the visual stimulus to get off easy. Once done, those images of the sexual acts in the film are gone, forgotten, out their mind. There is and never there was any emotional and physical connection or whatsoever. 

How do you or your partner knows that when you or him are masturbating without porn either of you is not thinking of someone other than you to masturbate? I would consider it worse than watching porn if my wife were to be masturbating thinking of some other dude that she was intimate with before me, but how do you know? Do you think that people just masturbate and are not having mental stimulation?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The ratio of porn involving what appears to be a loving, or even steamy session of sex to those that degrade women in a multitude of ways is easily 1:1000. It just didn't turn me on anymore.


You are quite right here. Most porn is such a turn-off, that from a business perspective, those that control the industry don't realize that they could make more money if the action sequences were at least somewhat realistic and romantic. That's what some in the industry adknowledge and are catering to women sensibilities with what's called soft-porn, but even that seems so fake that's a turn off. You're better off watching those uploaded clips by regular people which may not have the plastic fantastic hot bodies, but at least they are real.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I sure will cause no one could ever change my morals


And yet you assume that you can change his.
I'm sorry that your thread has devolved into the continuing argument of the forum. You would be better served by some folks willing to address your problem, instead of theirs. 
Personally I have no advice for you. You have clearly stated that you believe you would be better off single and that you regret the marriage. I'd say you know your answer.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> You make some good points. In marriage we can set boundaries of what we will and wont accept and then its up to the spouse whether they will respect that or not.


Thank you.

I would go a step further. In marriage, there should be commitment to the marriage by both parties. That means if one is unhappy, they should speak up and they should try to "negotiate" some compromise that will keep both partners happy and committed to the marriage. 

I think that there is too much rug-sweeping and avoiding talking & listening to one's partner. Those things cause people to drift away from each other and slowly allow a marriage to die. Cheating, just accelerates the process.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I’ve been married nearly 20 years and just now realized that my husband has been masturbating to porn and just nudes of naked women. However he has lied to me over and over about this so I checked his phone and seen it on there.
> Now I know that in some marriages it is welcomed and I’m not downing anyone for that but in mine I do not want or agree with it. I take it offensively because I feel like when he has a ‘reaction’ to it he gives a part of himself to someone else. I find that extremely hurtful because when I married him I meant those vows especially the part forsake all others. Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off single cause there are days I can’t even look at him and there are more days that I regret marrying him.
> Thoughts?


Is it the masturbation, or the viewing porn that's the problem?

Which of the two is the real issue in other words.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

thatgirl1999 said:


> We tried therapy but it didn’t work. Honestly I don’t know if he is. Yes I’ve cried in front of him a lot and he seems sincere. He says he has stopped but I’m not with him all the time.


How did the therapy go, was it all about each partner improving or just focusing on husband bad?

Not picking his side but putting out a reminder that problems in a ltr M take two to grow.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> I don't know what "advice" the OP was looking for, all she wanted was confirmation of her bias. Because, like it or not, regardless of what a couple of very strongly opinioned posters might say, porn in marriage is pretty normal, usually harmless and not a big deal. Unless of course you are a control freak who tries police the thoughts of your spouse. I call that incredibly naive or incredibly stupid.
> 
> In the ops defence, if when they first got together, she said porn is a massive no no, she has every right to hold her husband to account


You like to think it's normal because you use it yourself. The type of serious porn that people have access to now is very recent in history. Married people throughout history managed fine without it. 
Even today there are many marriages where porn isnt used and it's nothing to do with either spouse being a 'control freak' as you claim. 
It's about both recognizing that it's harmful and not something they want as part of their marriage and sex life. They see it as a betrayal. As disrespectful. I could never treat Mr D like that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> Yes it seems the op came here looking for support to use porn use as grounds for divorce


If he won't stop despite knowing how upset she is then that is a valid choice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> If 3x a week is much less than her husband wants to have sex then to him it’s a big problem anyway.


Doesn't mean he should use porn.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ccpowerslave said:


> If 3x a week is much less than her husband wants to have sex then to him it’s a big problem anyway.


Doesn't mean he should use porn.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You like to think it's normal because you use it yourself. The type of serious porn that people have access to now is very recent in history. Married people throughout history managed fine without it.
> Even today there are many marriages where porn isnt used and it's nothing to do with either spouse being a 'control freak' as you claim.
> It's about both recognizing that it's harmful and not something they want as part of their marriage and sex life. They see it as a betrayal. As disrespectful. I could never treat Mr D like that.


Im sorry Diana, you're just plain wrong, pornagraphic material has been evidenced for literally thousands of years, in both ancient Egypt and China. The medium has changed sure, but if you care to Google it, my statement is true, porn is prevalent in more marriages than it isn't, and for the large majority, its harmless to the marriage.

I know your opinion on the subject, and don't hope to change it, but don't try to sell your opinion as fact. Its a personal choice.

I restate my piece to the op, if you were upfront about the porn issue before marriage, then you have a right to hold him to account. If not, then leave him.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> I restate my piece to the op, if you were upfront about the porn issue before marriage, then you have a right to hold him to account. If not, then leave him.


Agreed. If she mentioned porn before, then she can make demands but if this is new, she should decide if she can endure it or leave.

Women age. We can't stop it. Men will lose interest and after a certain time we can't compete with porn stars. It's why I encourage women to work. At some point she has to look at the situation realistically and decide what she can stand and what she can't.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> I restate my piece to the op, if you were upfront about the porn issue before marriage, then you have a right to hold him to account. If not, then leave him.


Rather than leaving OP could reconsider her point of view after reading all the replies here. 

Often, softening a perspective gives the other person some room to breathe and makes them feel understood and loved again. Then they start to actively contribute to that compromise.

OP is there room for compromise here? If so, what might it look like from your perspective?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Agreed. If she mentioned porn before, then she can make demands but if this is new, she should decide if she can endure it or leave.
> 
> Women age. We can't stop it. Men will lose interest and after a certain time we can't compete with porn stars. It's why I encourage women to work. At some point she has to look at the situation realistically and decide what she can stand and what she can't.


I'm aging right along with my wife. As far as I'm concerned she as beautiful or more than when we married. I hope she feels the same. She does still call me handsome ☺

I don't see me ever losing interest in her. That sounds like an absurdity to me.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm aging right along with my wife. As far as I'm concerned she as beautiful or more than when we married. I hope she feels the same. She does still call me handsome ☺
> 
> I don't see me ever losing interest in her. That sounds like an absurdity to me.


Sweet but not really on topic. She feels betrayed because he doesn't feel the way you do. So she needs to decide what works for her, if this is too far. People are saying porn use is inevitable, if that's the case then she has a choice to make. I just hope she has an income source so she can choose what is best for her, and for him. If he's looking for a younger woman, better to know that now and get out, because the pain of the porn use will be nothing next to coming home and finding him in bed with a 22 year old underwear model. Save her more humiliation and him the trouble of having to hide it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

How do you know op’s husband doesn’t feel the way big daddyNY feels? If he treats her well in all other areas, I’m willing to bet that he does.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> How do you know op’s husband doesn’t feel the way big daddyNY feels? If he treats her well in all other areas, I’m willing to bet that he does.


It's all speculation, though, isn't it? You're making an assumption the same as I am. Her husband has lied over and over about it, and honestly, it's the lying that would get me. Also, presumably he met her before they married. He knew how she felt about it and lied to her for two decades about who he was and what he wanted. That's hard to recover from.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> She gave him the option of her of the porn and amazingly he stopped. He knew she meant it.


That last part is key.

So many don't mean it. They don't mean what they say or say what they mean.

People with self-respect, self-confidence won't put up with crap, in whatever form it takes.

Sadly, many choose to put up with crap.

We're all adults. We have agency. We get to choose whether we will or won't.

We don't get to choose what happens to us in life many times, but we do get to choose how we are going to react to it.

People know what is right and wrong. People know about morals, but many people are afraid, lazy and many other things so they get shi t upon over and over.

We get what we tolerate in life.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

thatgirl1999 said:


> I’ve been married nearly 20 years and just now realized that my husband has been masturbating to porn and just nudes of naked women.





Diana7 said:


> Stand firm. Porn use is so disrespectful and so damaging for him and your marriage.
> Its a form of cheating where his sexual energies are not focused on you but on other women.
> Has he said he will stop?



Diana,

First let me state that I HATE porn, I always have and I always will.

Now, with that out of the way, it's up to individuals whether they want to use porn or not and it's up to couples too.

The OP very well may have told her husband when they were dating, before they got married that porn was a no go for her and that she didn't want him to use it. If she did, that changes things.

But her post doesn't say that, it says she found out 20 years into their marriage that he uses porn.

We all know and hear that communication is so important in relationships and it is, yet many don't communicate well.

Again, I HATE porn but I'd really like to know what the OP talked about regarding porn with her husband before they got married.

If she didn't, she just assumed he wouldn't use porn and it's never good to assume things of others, especially our spouses.

Like OP, I hate porn. I'm with her on that. I hope she communicated that to her husband before they got married.

Porn and other things are brought up by me to prospective partners and they have been since the 1980's as I'm not that young anymore.

One thing I didn't talk about specifically was posters. I had talked about porn. One day I saw a poster on my then bf's dorm room wall. It was a tame poster too as she wasn't in a bikini or showing cleavage. It was Jennifer Beals and it was a poster for the movie Flash Dance. Easy for anyone to Google Jennifer Beals and Flash Dance movie to see a pic of that poster online. Again, it's tame.

When my bf was at class, I took it down, ripped it up into about a hundred tiny pieces and put it in the garbage can in his dorm room.

I then had a discussion with him pertaining to things like that, posters and such and no such thing ever adorned a wall where he lived again while we were together.

So, I communicated to him about porn, but I hadn't talked to him about hanging a poster on his wall so that was on me. I then corrected that and communicated it with him.

Now, I couldn't make him not put a poster on the wall. He knew I wouldn't date him if he did though so he never did again going forward.

I couldn't make him not use porn, but he knew I'd end things with him if he did. Come to find out, he hated porn too, but he loved having sex with other women, so I divorced him when I found out.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> ripped it up into about a hundred tiny pieces and put it in the garbage can in his dorm room.


He was weak and pathetic. If it would have been me you did that to, I would have kick your sorry ass out of my life that same moment. 

Jesus, the entitlement of some women and their beta males. I guess that's why they can do it, beta males.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> He was weak and pathetic. If it would have been me you did that to, I would have kick your sorry ass out of my life that same moment.
> 
> Jesus, the entitlement of some women and their beta males. I guess that's why they can do it, beta males.


I agree with you. To be honest, I would have zero respect for someone who either destroyed my property or allowed me (I would never, but for the sake of argument) to destroy their property like that. What a childish way to act. The adult thing to do would be to talk to him about and let HIM decide to take it down. Are they beta males or children? I can't decide. Either way, not men.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> You see here, you see how you distort things due to your bias. Men when masturbating to porn are not in any way shape or form focusing on other women. What you need to be able to understand is that for males (most anyway) is just a brief visual stimulation to get off, nothing else. After the male gets off, that visual stimulation is gone out of his head, forgotten. But to females like you, and quite most females is all about you, your insecurities, the skewed brain process where you think that the partner is replacing you, or is not so much attracted to you because of those hot bodies to which he's visually using for his mastubation.
> 
> I can perfectly understand the problem when pornography becomes an issue to the relationship due to the male seeking porn as the only or most of his sexual release. Then there's a problem and a serious one for the relationship. But to your average dude that occasionally uses porn for a quick release, that's not a problem. If the couple made a pact/agreement that not porn is allowed, and then one of them breaks it then the offended party should just leave, because in reality the probabilities of the partner stopping using porn are almost nil. That's reality, why continue to force something that in all probabilities will not stop.


Those visuals are not gone...I remember centerfolds I saw 30 yrs ago. 
Fact is the lusting for another not your spouse is adultery according to the Bible. 

But men watching porn is no different than women and the mommy smut books some read...ie. SOG. They get all hot and bothered by what they read. The women I know who read the series already had in their mind what the guy looks like, before the movie came out, and most we're fantasizing about being the woman. Or else they would not have gotten soo turned on.

The mind is more vivid than any printed photo or video.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

A18S37K14H18 said:


> Diana,
> 
> First let me state that I HATE porn, I always have and I always will.
> 
> ...


Holy crap, and he married you after that??


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

thatgirl1999 said:


> Sometimes I feel like I’d be better off single cause there are days I can’t even look at him and there are more days that I regret marrying him.
> Thoughts?


This part of your opening post is very telling. You sound like you’re looking for a reason to bale. You say your husband is meeting your sexual needs yet you want blow up your family for his thought crimes? You and the few women that are calling his porn viewing as cheating or betrayal are extreme control freaks. I could understand if he was not meeting your needs or was asking you to perform acts that you find offensive but that is not the case. 

There’s a thread of a woman that caught her husband’s porn usage and said that she felt hurt and so devastated that she signed up to sites for finding an affair partner. Over the past 2.5 years she has had sex with 5 married men multiple times. So for his thought crime, this mother of 3 decided to become a free call girl for these strangers. The woman actually thinks that her affairs have “saved” her marriage despite catching real feelings for the 3rd OM, that she still pines away for. That is the mentality that you are displaying. I suggest that you dig deep into your psyche, you’ll find that the issue is that you’re feeling restless and are itching to find an excuse to pull a run away wife.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Holy crap, and he married you after that??


Well, I had a poster of Grace Slick from Jefferson Airplane... much better.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I think we get derailed with porn here; I don't think porn per se is the big issue, but by allowing PORN to be the thing, we overlook the lying, the promises broken, the secrecy that her spouse had held from her. @Diana7 and I agree on many things, but her outright condemnation of porn as all-things-evil in a marriage is a bit too much. In some cases, porn did not create the problem; the problem created porn. I used porn as a distraction, a way to move myself away from constantly thinking that I had a ***t marriage because my wife was rejecting intimacy at every opportunity. Porn was a release, a way of dealing with unmet needs, a way of not having to confront the serious issues in our marriage. Porn did NOT create the problem. 

And yet porn was a serious problem, because the release that it allowed kept me from taking measures that should have been done decades earlier. When discovery day hit, when I found out the why, understood the nature of the issues with my wife, my porn use stopped cold turkey. Instantly. Boom. That was it. I realized that I had to make a choice, I had to risk everything to fix the marriage, or leave, and could not allow distraction or use of something like porn to appease myself, to allow myself to let things ride. 

To @thatgirl1999, you said you just realized that the porn issue still exists; it seems to come as a surprise. And yet, there's a feeling that you've not been happy in your marriage when you were blissfully unaware. Perhaps you should try and not get as upset over porn per se as the issues you feel it is responsible for. Betrayal and loss of trust might be high on that list, since this is something he'd said he had put behind him, and presumably he knew how important an issue this was for you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

The porn.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

thatgirl1999 said:


> We tried therapy but it didn’t work. Honestly I don’t know if he is. Yes I’ve cried in front of him a lot and he seems sincere. He says he has stopped but I’m not with him all the time.


What was the focus of the therapy? "Porn" isn't a focus. Porn is just a thing, without meaning by itself. It's meaning is given by the spouse indulging in it, as well as the spouse reacting to it. I assume the therapist worked to discover the reasons your spouse engaged with porn. What came from that? 


thatgirl1999 said:


> That’s just the weird thing out sex life is great 3x a week at least that’s what confuses me about all of this


"Our" sex is is great. OK, maybe it is! But how does your spouse view it? My wife thought, for decades, that "we" had a great marriage. My thoughts didn't count. There are men for whom quantity is not the issue. There is more to "good" or "great" sex than porn-star stuff. An emotional connection is a huge thing. You may be thinking that his fascination with porn means he's not looking for a connection with you during sex. You could be very wrong on that. Or not. 


thatgirl1999 said:


> I sure will cause no one could ever change my morals


Nobody should ever suggest you should. But your "morals" may be blinding you to the real issues you are having with your husband. As I mentioned elsewhere, this is likely about much more than porn. You legitmately have trust and betrayal issues that need to be addressed. 


thatgirl1999 said:


> We have discussed getting a flip phone I just want to make sure that he can resist temptation.


You can't stop his access to porn. He has to want to stop. He is surrounded by opportunities for porn, including TV. If the mission is truly to stop his porn use (which I think is a misguided mission; I think his lying about it, the lack of honesty, is the key thing), you'll just drive him further underground by removing "temptations" like computers and smart phones. You'll make assumptions, he may hope you've made assumptions, that you're safe now, the porn is no longer a problem, because you did this or that. It's very dangerous territory. You need to fix the fundamentals that have driven him to lie to you, throughout your marriage.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Divinely Favored said:


> Those visuals are not gone...I remember centerfolds I saw 30 yrs ago.
> Fact is the lusting for another not your spouse is adultery according to the Bible.


First: I don't care one bit about the bible, so keep it to yourself,because that's your interpretation. 
Secondly, I do also remember centerfolds from decades ago; but what that has to do anything with infidelity, and having watch porn to images that one hour later I don't even remember? 
No human can boast (unless completely asexual) of never having been attracted or turn on by another human upon lying eyes on him/her. Those that say they don't they are lying (or lying to themselves), because is so ingrained in human nature and we all sooner or later, married or not we do.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Its not for every couple, but porn can be beneficial for the sex life. It can really help with getting the mood going and spark new ideas in the bedroom. My wife and I occasionally enjoy porn together and it has definitely sparked new ideas. Some are wow and some aren't so great. There are even studies and marriage counselors who have seen great results with couples watching together. 

I feel that people who are fiercely against it are for the most part displaying some kind of insecurity, but that is my opinion. But as far as the previous person who tore up a poster on the wall. The only conversation we would have is about you getting your things and leaving. I can't think of much worse than having someone who is so insecure that a poster of a non nude lady sets them off like that.


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