# No contact with OM/OW.



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I have heard of all sorts of methods including cold turkey and no contact letter on how to stop contact with OM/OW to begin R. 

How did your WS or you do it? 

Personally the only way that I could do it was to go cold turkey with no goodbye letter/call/email/text period... just cold turkey. The OM and I had several conversations about how wrong it was that we continued to talk that we made constant agreements to stop which included countless goodbyes and yet I kept going back. He never once reached out to me. He would answer my phone calls/text/emails...etc... but would never start the initial contact. The goodbyes did not work for me because they were always "sweet & loving" goodbyes as if it were only for a little while or as if we were professing our love towards each other but being forced apart. Ridiculous I know. 

Soooooo knowing that the OM would not contact me I decided to just stop. I knew that there was ZERO chance of restoring my feelings for my husband as long as I stayed in contact with the OM. So far so good. The OM has not reached out and I have continued to pray daily that I may have the strength to not think about this other person because it is not real and my husband deserves all of my love and attention. 

I am curious to know what others did that worked.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My WS lied to me. She contacted him at least once after she promised NC. I did not know about TAM or no contact letters, etc. She told him she loved him, will miss him and other things, but that she needs to work on her marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I broke no contact three times because I couldn't let go - I desperately needed to get a "good" goodbye - I think I needed it for some type of validation that I wasn't a bad person - anyway. I tried three times and almost had it two of the three, but just as it was time to really say goodbye my AP would push too far - a flirt - a sexual innuendo. Three attempts, months of additional heartache and pain for my wife, me and my AP and it still ended in a great big F. U. 

I tell other cheaters and betrayeds trying to get their cheaters out of the fog that there is no such thing as a good goodbye. Slam the door, throw away the key. It's like being an alcoholic and quitting drinking - ultimately there is only one way to end it - say goodbye and turn your back.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> I broke no contact three times because I couldn't let go - I desperately needed to get a "good" goodbye - I think I needed it for some type of validation that I wasn't a bad person - anyway. I tried three times and almost had it two of the three, but just as it was time to really say goodbye my AP would push too far - a flirt - a sexual innuendo. Three attempts, months of additional heartache and pain for my wife, me and my AP and it still ended in a great big F. U.
> 
> I tell other cheaters and betrayeds trying to get their cheaters out of the fog that there is no such thing as a good goodbye. Slam the door, throw away the key. It's like being an alcoholic and quitting drinking - ultimately there is only one way to end it - say goodbye and turn your back.


Sigma, i truly wish you can speak to my husband....*sigh*

But i know that he is not gonna listen right now....even if someone talk to him until they are blue in the face he wouldn't have listen


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I broke no contact three times because I couldn't let go - I desperately needed to get a "good" goodbye - I think I needed it for some type of validation that I wasn't a bad person - anyway. I tried three times and almost had it two of the three, but just as it was time to really say goodbye my AP would push too far - a flirt - a sexual innuendo. Three attempts, months of additional heartache and pain for my wife, me and my AP and it still ended in a great big F. U.
> 
> I tell other cheaters and betrayeds trying to get their cheaters out of the fog that there is no such thing as a good goodbye. Slam the door, throw away the key. It's like being an alcoholic and quitting drinking - ultimately there is only one way to end it - say goodbye and turn your back.


Yup, i went throught the same thing. I gave up on the goodbyes and just said F it.... I have to quite. I was torturing myself and my husband.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

I did the NC after I confessed. I basically emailed OM to say that I told, what we did was stupid and wrong. But, I also somehow managed to squeeze in an apology. Not sure what I was apologizing for in hindsight. Funny that is was just last week. It feels like ages ago. But we both got in a definitive goodbye and after seeing my H in MC, I have no desire to contact OM again. I think it also helped that the A was so short and contained geographically to begin with.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

LeslieH said:


> I did the NC after I confessed. I basically emailed OM to say that I told, what we did was stupid and wrong. But, I also somehow managed to squeeze in an apology. Not sure what I was apologizing for in hindsight. Funny that is was just last week. It feels like ages ago. But we both got in a definitive goodbye and after seeing my H in MC, I have no desire to contact OM again. I think it also helped that the A was so short and contained geographically to begin with.


I get the apologizing thing. I did that a lot in our fake goodbyes. I felt bad for leading him on I guess and for him having to be in this situation, but he was just as wrong as I was so it was pretty stupid to aplogize. My husband is the one that deserved all of the apologies and compassion. So back asswards.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

wow.. i really just wrote back asswards.. when i meant ass backwards. ;-)


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

I tried to break it off with the OM so many times. I just couldn't do it. Every time I said never again and the next day I went back to him. That's why I told Beowulf. I needed his help because I was weak. Best decision I have ever made.


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

Hunger and Leslie, you apologized too! Why did we do that? That's something I still don't understand and I did it. What were we apologizing for?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex was cheating on the guy she was with before our divorce was final. As far as I know her best effort at NC was with me for nearly two years before she came crawling back, destitute.
That was six months ago with no updates.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Not a female thing. I did to. I was apologizing to her for being one half of such a horrible thing she was a part of, she couldn't have had an affair with me without me. And, for not being man enough to not let it happen, for not being a better person, for the pain I caused her. I actually carried some guilt about it for a while. Ironically enough she told me not to apologize, that she was a big girl and she never apologized to me.


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## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Not a female thing. I did to. I was apologizing to her for being one half of such a horrible thing she was a part of, she couldn't have had an affair with me without me. And, for not being man enough to not let it happen, for not being a better person, for the pain I caused her. I actually carried some guilt about it for a while. Ironically enough she told me not to apologize, that she was a big girl and she never apologized to me.


I think my apology was probably a mix of what you said and maybe a hint of sadness that the happy fog bubble got popped. He was actually totally at peace with what we did and I know when I told him how stupid we were it got him upset. I guess I just can't stand people not liking me?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I stopped contact a bunch of times..told him I needed to work on my marriage, he complied every time and there I was texting him again a couple days later..When I confessed to Calvin the OM must've gotten scared.. He stopped texting and talking, he ignored me which actually helped because it made me angry then not wanna talk to him ever again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

In most your cases here the WS doesn't work the AP (OM/OW) so what happen if the WS wants to do stop contact but cannot help the fact that they work together and quitting the job is not possible due to sole income earner in the family?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I had not joined TAM on first confrontation. So my H called her his first day back out on the road. He told me that he told her that they couldn't talk anymore because "I" was not comfortable with it.... WTH!! Not that it was wrong.... but that "I" didn't accept them talking??? 

Joined TAM before finding out about second woman,,, so* I *emailed her.... didn't have him have any part of it...


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Morrigan said:


> I tried to break it off with the OM so many times. I just couldn't do it. Every time I said never again and the next day I went back to him. That's why I told Beowulf. I needed his help because I was weak. Best decision I have ever made.


Yup same here and I kept tattling on myself which tortured my husband. I would make contact for a few days which would build up an immense amount of guilt and confusion that I had to tell my husband. I felt like if I told my husband than it would make it easier for me to keep NC but nope. I would repeat the same cycle three times before I knew there was no possible way I could have my cake and eat it too which was EXACTLY what I was doing. My conscious wore on me daily when I had contact. I am still having a difficult time feeling romantic love for my husband, but I know for a fact that as long as I keep doing what I am doing that at least my head will be clear to make any decisions that need to be made. I feel like I am becoming an expert at affairs...... craziness.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Morrigan said:


> Hunger and Leslie, you apologized too! Why did we do that? That's something I still don't understand and I did it. What were we apologizing for?


Pshhhh. Beats me. In an affair fog anything can happen although it makes absolutely no sense. :scratchhead:


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Not a female thing. I did to. I was apologizing to her for being one half of such a horrible thing she was a part of, she couldn't have had an affair with me without me. And, for not being man enough to not let it happen, for not being a better person, for the pain I caused her. I actually carried some guilt about it for a while. Ironically enough she told me not to apologize, that she was a big girl and she never apologized to me.


Yeah I guess I felt like I was leading him on considering he never reached and and only wanted me to do what made me happy yet I kept contacting him. :/ I felt bad that I put him in that situation; but now I dont because he could have stopped answering my phone calls.


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## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I stopped contact a bunch of times..told him I needed to work on my marriage, he complied every time and there I was texting him again a couple days later..When I confessed to Calvin the OM must've gotten scared.. He stopped texting and talking, he ignored me which actually helped because it made me angry then not wanna talk to him ever again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good he has a reason to be scared.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I guess I'm the only one here that did not apologize..all I cared about was me and what I was getting from him..Didn't feel sorry for the OM at all. At first I wondered what he was doing or thinking, even looked up his fb after no contact out of curiousity but now I have no desire to even know anything going on in his life..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

DownUnder said:


> Sigma, i truly wish you can speak to my husband....*sigh*
> 
> But i know that he is not gonna listen right now....even if someone talk to him until they are blue in the face he wouldn't have listen


Your right. No one can make him listen - he's got to want to. If you think there is anything I can offer or do to help please let me know. Hoping for the best for you.

Sig.


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