# How can a stay at home dad man up?



## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

So my wife is having an affair, I heard "love you not in love etc" back in january spent a few pathetic months in the crying/begging/bargaining phase. From an emotional standpoint I manned up about a month and a half ago, stopped all the feeling sorry for myself crap and started to feel good about myself again. I stopped talking to her, stopped doing anything for her, laundry etc that I used to do. But here's my real problem now that I don't know how to deal with.

I spent the last 3 years as a stay at home dad, my company moved their office across the country right around the time my wife got pregnant and we had decided a long time ago that we didn't want to have children just to pay someone else to raise them.....so the timing worked out that I stayed at home with our son. 

So now i've got a 3 year gap in my resume, in this horrible job market, living in a very expensive part of the country/town. I've been trying like hell to get a job for the past few months and I'm not having any luck finding anything that I can support myself and my son on without falling well below the poverty line. I have been working the past year or so about 35 hours a week "part time" pretty much in the middle of the night so I could contribute to the bills while still not putting my son in daycare, but it's a horrible minimum wage job with no future. I am not afraid of hard work, and i'm certainly not being picky in my job search, i'd shovel raw sewage 40 hours a week if i had to I don't really care what i do for a living at this point as long as i can provide for my son and get away from my cheating wife. 

So how can I man up here when I don't have a pot to piss in or a leg to stand on? I can't threaten divorce because she's so deep in the fog that she would happily take the divorce and i'd be left with no money or health insurance. Did I mention we're in debt up to our ears....upside down on the mortgage etc. Her plan is to stop paying all the bills/mortgage/car loans and commit financial suicide. 

Aside from taking care of my son all day and looking for a job is there anything I can do at this point? I'm tired of getting walked all over and i'm tired of how easy it's been for her to run around like a *****. But what the hell can I do? 

I have no family I can move in with, my mother lives a thousand miles away and my father just passed away a few months ago and her own financial situation is shaky at best right now she's still trying to sort out his pension/retirement stuff. I have some friends that would take me and my son in without hesitation but i don't want to do that until I have absolutely nowhere else to go, i don't want to put them out if i don't have to.

Of course my wifes mother lives 10 feet down the road and has plenty of money and space, my wife has so many safety nets right now it makes me sick, whereas I pretty much have nothing. I'm a strong person and i'm not afraid of hard work but i'm in a tough ass situation. 

Finding a decent job is going to be pure dumb luck. I need a plan for right now for my current situation. Or do I really have no options and i just stick to the 180 and keep looking for a job?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I haven’t been where you are but I’ve been in some very tough situations.

You are already “manning up”. It is a journey you’re on, these things don’t happen overnight. Set yourself some key lifetime goals. The first one being your financial independence. That’s an absolute imperative, of the very essence, core to the manning up process. Without financial independence you will always be at the beck and call of others and without it you will never be your own man, you will always be somebody else’s man, bought and paid for.

And then look forward to being financially independent. Maybe start off small. Some “invest” $10 in buying something looking to double it to $20 then reinvest to make $40 and so on. Be exceptionally frugal, keep those hands in your pockets as much as you are able. Get books like Rich Dad, Poor Dad from a library and learn, learn, learn.

The only way is up, think about that and rejoice in the thought. Draw a picture of what financial independence means to you and what it’ll mean to you when you have money to buy the things you need and want. The house, the car, your child’s college, whatever is your dream. And then pin that picture up on your walls so it’s a constant daily reminder of your goals, dreams and aspirations.

And remember the old saying “If you can’t take care of yourself, you cannot take care of anyone else”.

Bob


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Wonder if it's possible for you to get the same treatment in divorces that stay at home moms do? I've got a few stay at home moms who did well when they got divorced. They got the kids, child support and sometimes alimony. How does it work when the dad stays at home? Have you consulted an attorney to find out?

Other than that I've got nothing. All the people I knew that cheated were the at home spouse (including one dad). They are still together and his mistress lives next door. Can you just imagine?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Wonder if it's possible for you to get the same treatment in divorces that stay at home moms do? I've got a few stay at home moms who did well when they got divorced. They got the kids, child support and sometimes alimony. How does it work when the dad stays at home? Have you consulted an attorney to find out?


I agree with this. If you get legal counseling, you might get the same benefits - child support and temporary alimony - as women who were the stay at home spouse. Do this now before you're wife chooses to pre-empt you with an aggressive legal strategy of her own. Fail to do this and you may regret it later.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

go to trade school... put the kid in daycare for awhile if you have to. Day cares aren't as bad as everyone says; at the very worst they are a necessary evil so you can be on your feet financially. Get trained for IT/networking, welding, something that you know you won't end up hating and that pays well - talk to someone at a local community college about what fields have the most openings.

Whatever happens with your wife, you need some semblance of a career for you and your child.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Wonder if it's possible for you to get the same treatment in divorces that stay at home moms do? I've got a few stay at home moms who did well when they got divorced. They got the kids, child support and sometimes alimony. How does it work when the dad stays at home? Have you consulted an attorney to find out?
> 
> Other than that I've got nothing. All the people I knew that cheated were the at home spouse (including one dad). They are still together and his mistress lives next door. Can you just imagine?




I would absolutely stand up and cheer whatever judge would do this for a man. I am SO FREAKING SICK of these double standards. If a SAHM can get thousands of dollars of alimony,cs,the marital home,etc...then a SAHD should totally get the same deal. 

I'd definitely try that avenue if I were if your position. besides, if she's such a tramp then you need to shield your son from that. He doesn't need to grow up with a mother who chooses to be a complete *****. He'll end up thinking all women are like that and that it's ok to treat women like *****s.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Welcome to the 21st century.
Under the circumstances ... you really should talk to an attorney. 

It is possible if not probable, that your wife would be required to pay you child support, cover you under her insurance, and possibly alimony for a period of time while you do try to find work.

Stay at home mom's divorce their philandering husbands' all the time. 

The circumstances remain the same. Should you remain emotionally distant, push for divorce, and she comes to realize exactly what the COST of her little affair will be in it's entirety, she may decide to take a different approach.

But that doesn't happen unless you pursue divorce, and mean it.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I would absolutely stand up and cheer whatever judge would do this for a man. I am SO FREAKING SICK of these double standards. If a SAHM can get thousands of dollars of alimony,cs,the marital home,etc...then a SAHD should totally get the same deal.


See I agree. I loathe cheaters and think they should have to pay I don't care who it is. More and more men are being primary caregivers so the law has to catch up to this at some point. I just didn't know if that time was now or not.


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> See I agree. I loathe cheaters and think they should have to pay I don't care who it is. More and more men are being primary caregivers so the law has to catch up to this at some point. I just didn't know if that time was now or not.



From what I understand and from what I've read the law itself makes no distinction between men and woman stay at home parents. However, older less progressive judges still just side with the woman when it comes to custody and the like. So as far as I can tell i could try to act like a stay at home mom getting left and go after my wife for the whole 9 yards but it's a big gamble and highly dependent on how modern the judge I get is going to be. 

In regards to custody it should be noted that my wife is in favor of 50/50 joint physical custody. So mon/tues with me , weds/thurs with her and then alternating fri/sat/sun. While I would prefer to remain his main caregiver for many reasons not the least of which is the simple fact that my priorities have and continue to be family focused where as hers clearly are not. My son has been pretty sick the last 24 hours lots of vomiting high fever and at 2 a.m. when I was up with him he was whining for mama and of course she never came home last night. That sort of thing bothers me more then what she's done to me and our relationship. When she's with him she's still a decent mother (aside from the constant non stop texting) but he needed her last night and she wasn't there. If we do the 50/50 is she going to be leaving him with baby sitters on her nights so she can go out and lead the lifestyle she's clearly interested in? Or worse yet is it going to be a parade of boyfriends in and out of her house that I don't trust around my son? 

Sounds like the consensus is that I need to lawyer up. But do I pursue that immediatly or wait a little longer and keep trying to find employment? I was hoping there was some way out of this without adding piles of lawyer debt onto my already bad financial situation. My wife has mentioned a mediated divorce rather then fighting in court. I don't honestly know how i'm supposed to afford a lawyer, how do stay at home parents with no savings and huge debt secure lawyers? 

My fear is that if I goto court and get an old school (mom gets everything) judge I could end up with a worse situation then if I play nice and go the mediated route.


As far as filing for divorce and meaning it.....right now I mean it. She has shown no signs at all of wanting our family to be saved. She was strangely friendly for 1 week but I'm not sure what her motives were. She is still with the OM. I am done with her, i feel nothing for her except pity at this point. She would have to pull off a miracle show of remorse to even get me to consider the possibility of taking her back. I have been betrayed for too long i'm not going to sit around and waste a year of my life hoping that the OM gets bored with her or she "wakes up". I'm not losing her at this point, she's losing me.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One fly in the ointment is this middle of the night job.

Your wife could argue that she's home nurturing the children while you're out all night.

You may be risking custody And spousal support with this lousy job.

Consult with an attorney and DON'T tell your wife ANYTHING.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

WhiteRabbit said:


> I would absolutely stand up and cheer whatever judge would do this for a man. I am SO FREAKING SICK of these double standards. If a SAHM can get thousands of dollars of alimony,cs,the marital home,etc...then a SAHD should totally get the same deal.
> 
> I'd definitely try that avenue if I were if your position. besides, if she's such a tramp then you need to shield your son from that. He doesn't need to grow up with a mother who chooses to be a complete *****. He'll end up thinking all women are like that and that it's ok to treat women like *****s.


Men DO get the same treatment, it's just that divorced men are rarely in this situtions so they don't hear about it. Most states use income formula to figure out spousal and child support. SAHD will get support from his ex, and she won't be living so high on the hog. Downside? Just like happens to women now--women who may have sacrificed 10, 15 years of career, not just 3--the spousal support will be for a limited time, to allow the child to start school and the SAHD to get some education/skills so he can go back on the market more successfully. 

I'm sorry for you, lostdad, and I hope you will be able to explain to other men why it isn't "their" money when they divorce, and the impact of taking off several years, and how it affects one's career trajectory and prospects. Yes, one can recover somewhat from this--esp. since you only have a 3 year gap--but just imagine if it is a 10 year gap! That is a LOT of earning power--years served, moving up the ladder, etc.--that goes down the drain for the person who makes the sacrifice. His/her spouse--the other parent who BENIFITTED by having his/her kids raised by mom/dad, *is the one who should SHARE that sacrifice of earnings,* no one else--not tax payers, not future partners, not the kids.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sounds like you are manning up. Many states use the same formulas for husband or wife for child support, alimony and insurance. She will not be able to commit financial suicide in many cases.

My state is rehabilitative. I think that applies elsewhere. This means that since you physically can work, the judge would make some decisions about the length of time you can get alimony. If she's consistently made more, you might even be entitled to part of the retirement.


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

michzz said:


> One fly in the ointment is this middle of the night job.
> 
> Your wife could argue that she's home nurturing the children while you're out all night.
> 
> ...


This is one of my fears, the time I spent sacrificing sleep for our family is now going to bite me in the ass. 

I'm not sure that alimony or spousal support while I goto school to get a good position in the workforce is feasible in our case. She doesn't make enough money to support one household (hence the crappy nighttime job) let alone 2 households. She makes a decent amount but it's not really all that great. We've been living paycheck to paycheck for a few years now. So a judge can't get water from a rock so to speak. 

By financial suicide I mean she's stopped paying the mortgage and the credit card bill. They are going to come and take our house it's only a matter of time. She spends a lot of "her money" (her words) on lingerie and god knows what else. She deposits very little of "her money" into our joint account for bills now and food for our son. I'm expected to help with the bills as well as manage for my own food and gas but my small check doesn't go very far and yes I know that's wrong and I am entitled to half of our marital assets but that's a battle I'm choosing not to fight right now. I'll go without for now while I focus on the future. 

It sounds more and more like I just have to hope to hell i get lucky in the job market. Financially this is the worst possible time in our 15 years together for her to be doing this. My friend 3 hours had offered me a good job and a place to live but i had to turn it down because my wife did not agree with me taking our son there. I'm starting to think I should have just taken it and fought it out in court to let the chips fall where they may.

Will i get any real advice from a free consult with a lawyer? I can't afford to put gas in the car let alone pay a lawyer bill right now.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

lostdad said:


> Will i get any real advice from a free consult with a lawyer? I can't afford to put gas in the car let alone pay a lawyer bill right now.


Get the free consult and do not concern yourself with your wife's hassles.

You have a right to the marital assets and need to protect your interests and those of your kids.

She may even be on the hook for paying your legal bills.

I have the suspicion that she has already consulted a lawyer and is staging up to declare bankruptcy.

Get moving on this!!


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

michzz said:


> Get the free consult and do not concern yourself with your wife's hassles.
> 
> You have a right to the marital assets and need to protect your interests and those of your kids.
> 
> ...


She has mentioned declaring bankruptcy. We have a huge credit card debt and a very upside down mortgage. Neither one of us can afford to keep the house on our own. 
Bankruptcy may very well be the only option if we get divorced. There is no way in hell i can assume half our debt, not with my bleak job outlook.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She's stashing money for herself for later.


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

michzz said:


> She's stashing money for herself for later.


I agree, you should be writing down every financial transaction and what her paychecks are. Can't hurt!


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

This is why you should talk to a local attorney. They will know the judges and tell you what realistically will happen. Most states now have set standards, so even if the judge was a d**che he/she would have to abide by that, or it would be rather exceptional they would change it. But a local lawyer will know all this up front.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay 2 issues:

*1. Your rights. *

In most likelihood, like the woman who has a man who has a good job and he leaves her for a young hottie, you would be entitled to alimony and child support.

Most men are reluctant to take it because they feel weird about the whole thing. This is why it's good to have a sharp attorney on your side who can look like the bad guy.

If I were your attorney, when you get to the negotiating table, yes, you put an alimony claim on the table. You can alway take it off.

But would I be fighting for it for you? As Sarah Palin would say, "You betcha!" I wouldn't even let pride stand in your way. Women wanted the jobs (assets) during the sexual revolution. . .well. . .this comes with the territory - alimony.

*2. Your psychological health.*

That being said, it is all predicated on the fact you would be the 50/50 child care giver or more. 

Having been in the Mr. Mom role you are in before, let me tell you, when I separated, I totally went "career oriented" and it was the best thing for me. Whether it was the best thing for my children. . .who knows. . .it could be debated. My ex-wife was devastated that I dropped parenting the kids like a hot potato. . .but essentially, I told her, "I am not the family b***h any more."

The truth is a lot of women really do appreciate a man helping with the child rearing. . .but at same time, a lot of women really don't until you withdraw it and let them try to do it on their own and learn that the hard way.

Add to the fact, I am not sure men are designed to be primary caregivers.

When making your future legal moves, if you pursue this, i would forget about what it means with alimony and child support and just do what you want to do for your own psychological health, if you are unappreciated in the relationship and made to feel like a family burden.

If you want to be a 50/50 or more caregiver, then do that. If not, than that's okay too.


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## MelissaDaisy99 (May 16, 2011)

lostdad said:


> So my wife is having an affair, I heard "love you not in love etc" back in january spent a few pathetic months in the crying/begging/bargaining phase. From an emotional standpoint I manned up about a month and a half ago, stopped all the feeling sorry for myself crap and started to feel good about myself again. I stopped talking to her, stopped doing anything for her, laundry etc that I used to do. But here's my real problem now that I don't know how to deal with.
> 
> I spent the last 3 years as a stay at home dad, my company moved their office across the country right around the time my wife got pregnant and we had decided a long time ago that we didn't want to have children just to pay someone else to raise them.....so the timing worked out that I stayed at home with our son.
> 
> ...



Well, great work! You have helped me to improve my knowledge about this field. Thank you so much for sharing.


__________________
watch online movies


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Okay 2 issues:
> 
> *1. Your rights. *
> 
> ...


Thanks, lots of food for thought there. 

I think I would still like to be at least the 50/50 caregiver. Maybe it's because I never did love my old career, I was really good at what I did but at the end of the day didn't have much satisfaction. But raising my son has been the most satisfying experience of my life. I have to have at least 50/50 I can't go from spending all day everyday with him to spending just every other weekend from a psychological well being standpoint that would kill me more so then anything my wife could actually do to me. Going back to work full time and putting him in daycare is already going to take a huge chunk of my time with him away, I don't want to give up anymore custody then I have to.


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