# is this the last straw? outsiders opinion please..



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

hi. at this point i have told my story to the closest ppl to me..and they all care deeply for me. now i just need someone else opinion. 


when i was 18 i met my then future husband on myspace in 2007. we lived in different states...me in California...him in Missouri. We were both doing well for ourselves. Both in college and had jobs. i had some family problems at home that felt like no matter how well i was doing in my life i would always be treated like a little kid and the pressure made me loose it. Talking to (**for the sake of the story my husband will be referred to as**) Jason for a month, i decided to to leave california and move to missouri to be with him. So i saved all my money bought a ticket and went on my way without telling my family. I was happy living with him. Very. 3 months later we found out that i was pregnant. My mother (who has raised me as a single mother of 4 since i was 5) was very devastated by my departure to missouri. My siblings had become very angry at me for giving my mother such grief. i decided that i rather come forward with my new first to my mother. It was not as bad as i expected and she gave me full support. Jason on the other hand was not all to thrilled with the news. Jason and i decided to tell his mother as well...she considered that we have a abortion and to me it wasn't a very terrible even though before i felt deep down abortion was completely wrong. She agreed she felt the same as me but also felt we were very young. i understood. she agreed to go to doctors appointment with me. After the appointment she felt otherwise and that i should keep the child. i too felt the same deeply. Jason however, still felt like his world was coming to a end.

Over the first 5months of pregnancy Jason had become distant. Began acting mean to everything i did or said. Even talking to other girls online and text.This being my first real relationship...i ignored but it did hurt me deeply because i wanted nothing but to please him. We moved into a apartment together that i had felt would be in the right steps towards being ready for our child. Till he invited his friend to live with us. Eventually it came to a showdown of his friend or me...and i didn't have to hear his choice because it was clear to me. i decided to go home to california for my older siblings wedding as well as a opportunity to end things with Jason. 

The last months of pregnancy i was happy to be home and ready to my daughter into the world. i had still talked to jason because he claimed to have realized what he had lost and wanted to be there for my and our daughter. Eventually surprising me by moving to california to be here for our daughters birth. Jason had asked me to marry him before...and i said yes...so on my due date we went to the court house and got married. 5 days later i was induced and our daughter was born. Jason was finally looking to be the man i always felt he could be. 

2weeks after our daughter was born...i caught jason texting a old girlfriend from missouri. i had enough and threatened to kick him out of my mothers house. My mother then talked to brandon and he claimed to be sorry. But it was something that hurt me deeply to this day.

3months of living in California...Jason had hated it. He hated how we always spent time with my family. He hated 2 of my 3 siblings. He hated his job working at a factory. As a valedictorian it was a insult. He insisted i stay and take care of our daughter but proposed we move back to missouri. So for the sake of my marriage i did...though i never wanted to go back.

for 3years we have lived here...my daughter will be 4 soon. 4 year anniversary is coming up. And i have decided i am done.

during these 3 years. the ex girlfriend he texted has been over to my house twice while i was visting family back home. (she is now married and just had a kid so shes out of the picture) husband was employed, unemployed and finally went to nursing school. He is now a LPN. we just moved this year to the country where we have more privacy than the apartments we use to live in. we have a dog. 

i have been depressed since i found out about the ex being at my home which was 2 1/2 years ago. i am a stay at home mom and have been one since my daughter was born...i don't go anywhere because i can't drive. i don't have any friends. my husband and i don't go out on dates. we always stay in. the times i do go out and have fun is when i visit my family back in california....and i am always happy despite the minor worry of jason being stupid behind my back. i don't think he has pulled anything since then because every time i had caught him in his lies. 

1month ago...he hit me. over a argument about the house not being clean. it was enough for me. i told him i was done...since then he has claimed to want to make it work. And i believe he means that and he has made some effort to show it. we have gone to the zoo, six flags, and swimming. 

2days ago. his cousin (who has been a main problem for me) came over with his friend and spent the night. i voiced to my husband how i felt about his cousin and also felt that his friend was a worry because of my daughter's presence because it was someone i didn't know how they acted around children. but it was a nice time. the next day we all went swimming at the river. me, daughter, jason, cousin, and cousins friend. the boys (jason cousin and friend) had been skipping rocks all day. i and the cousin had seen the friend skipping rocks near my daughter who was swimming. we warned him 3 times...hey be careful because of the little one and he told us he understood. 5min before we leave....no one was skipping rocks....we were all just swimming...the friend gets up out of the water grabs a rock...and skips it....downstream...towards me and my daughter. the rock hits my daughter directly in the throat. i felt dead fear sadness misery and anger all in one second. i was terrified. Crying hysterically my daughter turned to me grasping her throat. i ran to her to look.. she was bleeding...it was small. but it would leave a mark. My husband then turns to the friend and says "what do you think you were doing you idiot?". the friend said nothing....we packed all our stuff and left. on our way to the car the cousin(heres why i hate him...because he only cares about himself) says "i can't wait to come out here tomorrow. its gonna be so much fun" i say "there isn't gonna be one now after this!" 

next day my daughter was ok. her voice was scratchy but ok. my husband said he wanted to go back swimming but this time without the friend. the event had made me realize that i needed to be aware about the ppl i allowed around my child. He seemed to understand that so the friend wasn't invited...but the cousin. i didn't want to see either. my husband called his cousin and told him about going back but without the friend...the cousin then said(again why i hate him he says stupid ****) "well if he does it again you guys will know what to do about it." -_- 

so we go back and its a good time but what the cousin said had bug me. On the way home...we got into a petty fight. my husband had sided with his cousin against me. the cousin called me dramatic and that he had never done anything to me(again not true hes done enough....ask me later and ill tell you.) so from there i tell him how i feel about him and my husband then gets on my case and calls me a *****....and says if i want to leave him why haven't i. (because everytime i threaten to leave and truely mean it...he begs me to stay.) it pissed me off because after he hit me i was done with him......it was a slap in the face all over again. why did i waste my time only to be put down again like i always had been....none the less in front of this cousin (who i think is the worst case of a human being).

today. this is what my husband blames me for.....he has no friends because of me. he has 2 friends who treat him better than that cousin of his and they respect our marriage. his cousin doesn't respect my marriage. 

the 2 friends live far away now. both are single with no children. my husband makes me feel like hes more interested in finding a friend who isn't married. i always get left out and i have no friends here either. hes my only friend and hasn't been a good one. he doesn't see all i threw away for him. He tells me he knows that its not right that hes not interested in making new friends but thats just not him right now....maybe someday. im sick of waiting threw these storms that feel like it never ends. hes a angry person..gets mad at little things.tells me he cant change that and that i have to get use to it.
...i can't take it. any more info on this i will be glad to tell you...this took me a long time. but its the gist. ive gone through a lot with him. he makes me feel guilty for it though. 
i just want to make something for myself.....i want better for my daughter...and it feels like waiting him to change is gonna be a while. my daughter is growing up fast and i feel like im wasting her happy years away. i don't know what to do. i will be 23 in august. still can't drive, still nothing to my name but my daughter and his.

i plan on leaving back home. i don't think i should tell him because he will just guilt me like he always does into staying. I JUST NEED A OUTSIDE OPINION. again any questions i will answer.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just a quick question while I type a response... does your husband work 12 hour sifts like a lot of nurses? Does he work much over time? More than 3 shifts a week?


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

yes night shift. just 4shifts a week.


----------



## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Hitting me is where I would draw the line....


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

jason has a history of child abuse from his father...his father also beat his mother. i don't think he has a good idea on how a real marriage is. he was beaten by his father from the age of 7 to 17. again no excuse just a history of what i have to deal with.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he's cheated on you at least twice since the two of you moved back to where you live now?

He's cheated on you and hit you once. But you spent 3/4's of your post going on about some silly drama with his cousin and friend. Yes your daughter was hurt and that is serious. She was hurt in the neck, it affected her voice, and you did not even take her to a doctor? 

I agree that you seem caught up in drama. And then you almost completely gloss over the serious issues.

What have the two of you done to affair proof your marriage since you found out about his affairs?

Does he understand that he must NEVER hit you again? Does he understand that is his a reason for you leaving immediately? I suggest that you find a place that counsels people about domestic abuse/violence and get some counseling. And have an exit plan in place in case he ever hits you again.

You are in a tough spot because you have no skills to get a job and support yourself. How are you going to support yourself if you leave your husband? What are you plans? Are you looking at any kind of further education so that you can support yourself? What are your plans in supporting your daughter?

You also need something outside of your marriage. Going to school, getting a career… these things will help you meet people, feel better about yourself, and give you something of your own.

If you move to Cali with your child, he can get a court order to get the child returned to the home state. And you would most likely lose custody, or at least primary custody of your daughter should he choose to fight your move. It would also be morally wrong for you to take his child away from him. And then you would probably also expect him to pay child support. That's not right at all.


It sounds like you and your husband sort of got trapped together after a very short on-line meeting. Your husband has been living up to financial obligations but not being the best husband. You also seem to feel like you are trapped. It almost seems like his cheating on you while you were in Cali was just an annoyance… not a HUGE PROBLEM. 

Is there a possibility that the two of you are struggling with the being trapped thing? Could that be why you keep telling him that you want to leave him? It’s very abusive by the way to tell your spouse that you want to leave him everything something does not go well in the marriage. 

I also suggest that you read some books. Some books are a lot better than counseling…. Here are some that I have found invaluable that fit your situation:

To learn about how to repair your marriage after an affair and to affair proof it for the future:

“Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley

To improve your marriage

“The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands”, by Dr. Laura Schlesinger’

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriages”

The look take a look at the books linked to in my signature block for building a passionate marriage.

After you try all of the things these books have to teach you.. if your think your marriage does not improve, then get some job skills BEFORE you leave your husband. If you think like is hard now… it will be next to impossible living in your current state on welfare.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> yes night shift. just 4shifts a week.


I asked this question because I have a brother who works night ****s like this in a hospital. So I know how hard this is on a person.

It's not "just" 4 shifts a week.

That's 48 hours a week. That's more than full time. He's working night shift for the extra income I assume. Look up what this does to person. People who work night shifts get health problems from it. Heart problems and digestive track problems are the most common problems from night shift.

Night shift is very hard.. he's a nurse. He's on his feet for 12 hours a night. It's a hard job too.. seeing people who are very ill, people die, etc.

There are times when my brother calls me to tell me about a baby, or young healthy person who just slipped away. It is emotionally exhausting sometimes too.

The reason I asked the question is that I was concerned that you are not realizing the stress he's under as the sole support of the family. Your words confirm that with your using the word "just".

I wish we could hear your husband's side of this situatin.

My guess is that while he loves you and your daughter he feels trapped. He did not intend to get married so early and have all this reponsibility. He's woking his arse off he feels he has a wife who does not appreciate how hard he works to give you the gift of being a stay at home mom.

Does that sound like him?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> jason has a history of child abuse from his father...his father also beat his mother. i don't think he has a good idea on how a real marriage is. he was beaten by his father from the age of 7 to 17. again no excuse just a history of what i have to deal with.


What was his response after hitting you? I mean besides begging you not to leave.

I'm sure that he does not know what marriage should be.

I'll wager that you do not either since you were raised by a single mom with 4 children to raise on her own.

I get the sense of two good souls would got caught up in this too young.

How long ago did he hit you? Has he done anything else that is vioelent since... throwing things? punching walls? grabbing you in anger? Anything like that?


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

i called my uncle who is a doctor who helped me evaluate my daughter because my husband wouldn't take us to the doctors office. i have job skills. i use to work for my uncle in medical billing and coding. its not like i don't want to provide for my daughter. i do. more than anything. You are right about the threatening to leave...its not right. My mother has wanted me to come home and help me with my daughter. As well as getting a job..every time i am home i am offered a job. to which my husband tells me he doesn't plan on moving back to california. when we talk about my education he says eventually. 

the reason why i stress on his cousin....is because he has been accused of being a pedophile and my husband has said it himself but still continues to have this kid around because he is family. 

my plan is going home. period. my friend is driving me up to idaho where i meet my aunt to take me back to california. 

the thing that burns me is that this whole nursing thing makes him look like a good guy when hes not. when he hit me i tried calling the cops
he broke my cell phone and threatened to kill me i i told anyone because it would ruin his life. 

he cares only about him. i have given up a whole world back home for him. with no one but my one friend who doesn't even live here anymore but is in town at this moment. he doesn't even like her.

i felt the reason he kept talking to his ex was because of me. so i tired resolving my issues with my father( who cheated and left our family when i was 5 for the babysitter) i realized with my father he was going to always blame my mother for everything so i gave up on that. came home to find text messages talking about me to his ex about me being gone and her to come over. he says it was a emotional affair and they never did anything. i talked to her and she claims the same. (honestly i don't trust either of them) for the longest time i just didn't want to get divorced and be like my parents....but i realized it wouldn't be fair to my parents if they had stayed together with all that. i don't blame my mom. 

jason seems loving but blows up on me like im stupid. 
when he hit me it was just nothing i ever wanted for myself...and i don't expect him to pay child support or anything...i just want away from him.


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What was his response after hitting you? I mean besides begging you not to leave.
> 
> I'm sure that he does not know what marriage should be.
> 
> ...


1month ago he hit me. he punches walls all the time. throws things all the time. grabbed me maybe 5. hes always done it...playing video games, something doesn't go his way like me not agreeing with him on certain issues.


----------



## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

Forgive me if this seems too harsh, or too final; I am fully aware that I cannot see the either the full dynamic of the situation or true workings of your heart and mind, and apologize if I end up sounding too uncompromising:

The moment he struck you, he lost all value. All of it. I don't care what kind of convoluted logic he cares to apply to his actions; it is wrong, unforgivable, and worthy of nothing but contempt. Can't change? Bullsh*t. Won't change, he doesn't want to. Change requires work, and if he cannot be troubled to control his temper he certainly won't exert any effort anywhere else.

Love, actual love, absolutely precludes the possibility of violence.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The rumors of the cousin's friend being a pedophile are concerning. When it comes to a child, always err on the side of caution.

Well, if you feel that your husband is not a good guy then leave. You have your plan. 

Just be prepared for the legal fight that might come your way.

One thing that you need to remember on this site is that we can only discuss things abased on what the poster says. It’s very disconcerting not having the spouse’s side of the story. 

In the end, you know your situation and you have to live with your choices.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MainStreetExile said:


> Forgive me if this seems too harsh, or too final; I am fully aware that I cannot see the either the full dynamic of the situation or true workings of your heart and mind, and apologize if I end up sounding too uncompromising:
> 
> The moment he struck you, he lost all value. All of it. I don't care what kind of convoluted logic he cares to apply to his actions; it is wrong, unforgivable, and worthy of nothing but contempt. Can't change? Bullsh*t. Won't change, he doesn't want to. Change requires work, and if he cannot be troubled to control his temper he certainly won't exert any effort anywhere else.
> 
> Love, actual love, absolutely precludes the possibility of violence.


I agree... but we don't know the whole story... the husband is not here to defend himself.

If he has hit her for something other than self defense, then yep he's an SOB.

My concern is that the OP is hell bent on running off and taking their child across the country without even telling the father her plans. She basically plans to kidnap their child. 

I would want his side of the story before supporting that plan.


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

i know im coming across a young girl who doesn't know anything...thats why you want to hear my husbands side....

but this is how i go on how i have been treated.

i didn't expect to be cheated on and made fun of by my husband
i didn't expect to be torn between my families and my husband
i didn't expect to marry someone who doesn't like being social much less shares his feelings
i didn't expect to be called a *****, stupid, or crazy for choosing to be with my husband.
i didn't expect to go through this much heart ache in my marriage.
i didn't expect my daughter to suffer because of us.
i didn't expect to be hit by the only person i have in his world....because it hasn't been mine for a long time. 

ive done EVERYTHING hes told me to do. 

and i have gotten all of this. baggage. that no person should ever have to carry much less put on someone else. 

i have stayed because of his issues....i wanted to leave to make it easier...i have taken him back to make it easier for him and my kid.

its been 5years together...and will be 4years married in 2months....

and i still have never thought about anyone but him and my daughter.


when is it my turn? to get respect?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> hi. at this point i have told my story to the closest ppl to me..and they all care deeply for me. now i just need someone else opinion.
> 
> 
> when i was 18 i met my then future husband on myspace in 2007. we lived in different states...me in California...him in Missouri. We were both doing well for ourselves. Both in college and had jobs. i had some family problems at home that felt like no matter how well i was doing in my life i would always be treated like a little kid and the pressure made me loose it. Talking to (**for the sake of the story my husband will be referred to as**) Jason for a month, i decided to to leave california and move to missouri to be with him. So i saved all my money bought a ticket and went on my way without telling my family. I was happy living with him. Very. 3 months later we found out that i was pregnant. My mother (who has raised me as a single mother of 4 since i was 5) was very devastated by my departure to missouri. My siblings had become very angry at me for giving my mother such grief. i decided that i rather come forward with my new first to my mother. It was not as bad as i expected and she gave me full support. Jason on the other hand was not all to thrilled with the news. Jason and i decided to tell his mother as well...she considered that we have a abortion and to me it wasn't a very terrible even though before i felt deep down abortion was completely wrong. She agreed she felt the same as me but also felt we were very young. i understood. she agreed to go to doctors appointment with me. After the appointment she felt otherwise and that i should keep the child. i too felt the same deeply. Jason however, still felt like his world was coming to a end.
> ...


Why have you not ever learned to drive?


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I agree... but we don't know the whole story... the husband is not here to defend himself.
> 
> If he has hit her for something other than self defense, then yep he's an SOB.
> 
> ...


maybe threatening to kill me isn't a good enough excuse for you???


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

also threatening to kill himself if i do


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why have you not ever learned to drive?


at 16 i learned a little how to drive but every time i did drive i would blackout. i wouldn't remember driving across town with my mom. she told me i would do a good job but to me it was like how the heck did i get here.

when i was 19 and moved back to missouri i went and to the written test and got my permit. husband promised to teach me how to drive more but never did.....my permit expired after 2years.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> 1month ago he hit me. he punches walls all the time. throws things all the time. grabbed me maybe 5. hes always done it...playing video games, something doesn't go his way like me not agreeing with him on certain issues.


Have you gotten in touch with a domestic violence facility where you live? 

No one should live with this.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> at 16 i learned a little how to drive but every time i did drive i would blackout. i wouldn't remember driving across town with my mom. she told me i would do a good job but to me it was like how the heck did i get here.
> 
> when i was 19 and moved back to missouri i went and to the written test and got my permit. husband promised to teach me how to drive more but never did.....my permit expired after 2years.


You blacked out when you drove? How many times did this happen?


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You blacked out when you drove? How many times did this happen?


4 Times! the last time i almost ran over my 14 year old sister in the drive way... my mom told me that we would have to wait till i was less stressed about it.


----------



## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Is DH's name Jason or Brandon?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> maybe threatening to kill me isn't a good enough excuse for you???


Go back and look at your original post. You left out the details.. you know about him punching walls, threatening to kill you, threatending to kill himself, grabbing your 5 times, him putting you down all the time...

Instead you spent most of it talking about the trip to the lake to swim and fighting with the cousin. If you left the details out.. do not blame others for not reading what is not there.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> 4 Times! the last time i almost ran over my 14 year old sister in the drive way... my mom told me that we would have to wait till i was less stressed about it.


Do you black out like this for other things? Or was it just driving?


----------



## kairi13 (Jul 7, 2012)

practicing in a lot where people weren't around wasn't a problem for me...but getting out there with other cars around me...thats when i didn't remember anything.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

MainStreetExile said:


> Forgive me if this seems too harsh, or too final; I am fully aware that I cannot see the either the full dynamic of the situation or true workings of your heart and mind, and apologize if I end up sounding too uncompromising:
> 
> The moment he struck you, he lost all value. All of it. I don't care what kind of convoluted logic he cares to apply to his actions; it is wrong, unforgivable, and worthy of nothing but contempt. Can't change? Bullsh*t. Won't change, he doesn't want to. Change requires work, and if he cannot be troubled to control his temper he certainly won't exert any effort anywhere else.
> 
> Love, actual love, absolutely precludes the possibility of violence.


Spoken for truth.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> practicing in a lot where people weren't around wasn't a problem for me...but getting out there with other cars around me...thats when i didn't remember anything.


I've never heard of anyone doing this. It must have been freaky.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kairi13 said:


> i know im coming across a young girl who doesn't know anything...thats why you want to hear my husbands side....


This is not true at all. One of the things that gets brought up here a lot is that we are not comfortable with hearing only one side of the story.

An example of why:

My sister-in-law accused my brother of hitting her and injuring her twice. It turns out that both times it was in self-defense. The first time she was yielding a butcher knife at him while he was holding his daughter. He put the child in the playpen and disarmed her… yes she had bruises … form him taking the knife away from her (he’s a black belt). The second time she jumped on his back and was trying to gouge out his eyes and biting his neck.-(Bi-polar chick)
You are talking about taking your child across the country, away from- her father. This is very serious.

Now that you have told us more of what is going on, forget the books I suggested. Your marriage is way too gone for those.

How soon are you planning on leaving for California?

If you are going to me around for a while you should get in touch with a local domestic violence organization. You can get counseling, they can help you develop an exit plan, and even have a safe place for you to go to if things get bad. The ones I’ve worked with will come pick people up for appointments. They even give their clients cell phones that can call 911 for help… sort of your secret phone for help.

Reach out to people around where you live, professionals who can help you.


----------

