# My passive husband is driving me insane.



## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

I've been married for about a year and a half and regretting it since the honeymoon. There's no sob story here, hubby is a nice man who goes to work every day and never yells at me or raises a hand to me. Plays nice with his inlaws and lets me have pretty much anything I want. Sounds great, right? Well I'm miserable. I know I sound like a ***** now, which makes me feel even worse than I already do. I can't talk to anyone about this and vent because what am I going to say? "My husband is a nice guy, but I hate being married to him"? 

I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband. We don't laugh, play games, go to concerts, ANYTHING. We sit in front of the tv while he plays xbox. He will play board games with me if I ask, but I feel like he views it as an unpleasant obligation. It means nothing to me if he doesn't actually want to. I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.

I have tried really hard to make things better by pretending to be happy and doing everything in my power to spoil him and make him feel wanted, loved, appreciated etc, but it gets me nowhere. He says something like "Aww wasn't that sweet of you" kisses me on the forehead, and goes back to whatever it was he was doing. I feel like my insides are screaming, but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?

He just doesn't seem to care about anything. It's like I married a robot. Tonight in the car I made it plain that I was getting fed up with how things are and that our relationship is in serious danger and he didn't say a word. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about driving. Didn't even look the least bit upset. 

I keep all of this bottled up inside and I feel like it is killing me. I've tried to get counseling, but it costs too much for me to afford. Have you ever been in a relationship like this? Do I just have to accept that we are different and try to learn to cope with it or is there anything I can do to make him interested in having fun with me?


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

1kasey said:


> Do I just have to accept that we are different and try to learn to cope with it or is there anything I can do to make him interested in having fun with me?


If you want to continue to be miserable you can do this or you can sit him down and have a legit conversation. He needs to realize that you're serious about this or the marriage could come to an end.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Only married 18 months? Was he this way before you married him? If he was, why did you marry?


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

1kasey said:


> I've been married for about a year and a half and regretting it since the honeymoon. There's no sob story here, hubby is a nice man who goes to work every day and never yells at me or raises a hand to me. Plays nice with his inlaws and lets me have pretty much anything I want. Sounds great, right? Well I'm miserable. I know I sound like a ***** now, which makes me feel even worse than I already do. I can't talk to anyone about this and vent because what am I going to say? "My husband is a nice guy, but I hate being married to him"?
> 
> I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband. We don't laugh, play games, go to concerts, ANYTHING. We sit in front of the tv while he plays xbox. He will play board games with me if I ask, but I feel like he views it as an unpleasant obligation. It means nothing to me if he doesn't actually want to. I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.
> 
> ...


My guess is that you got married too young.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I know you believe you made it plain to him how fed up you were, but I wonder if he understands. My wife talks to me sometimes and though I know she feels quite passionately about whatever it is, I often have not the slightest clue what she's talking about. I have a Masters degree but she might as well be speaking Mandarin sometimes. Make sure there are zero distractions. We're good at tuning things out. Try talking to him again and then get him to tell you in his own words what you just said. If he's an 85% decent guy, it'd seem to make more sense to try to adjust this one a little as opposed to scrapping him in hopes of maybe finding something better. The next guy might cook meth in the basement and rape kids.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

How and why did this marriage happen? If you've felt this way since the honeymoon, then surely you felt this way a week and a month before the wedding. If you thought that opposites attract, then you would have learned that, in your case, this is not true during the dating stage.

Rgardless, if you think there is a glimmer of hope of having some fun and chemistry with your husband, I agree with the above posters to talk about it again, and more often, and in more detail, and try to get into an ongoing conversation and find that spark.

But if there never was a spark to reignite and you think it is hopeless, then you have no choice but to get out of this marriage. Don't even think about kids. You made a mistake. That s*cks, but you and your husband should and could move on from this. He'll find someone compatible to love him totally and completely and you will find someone you are in love with.

I don't think you sound like a b*tch for feeling this way. It's great and all that he's a super nice guy, but it takes more than that for a happy and enduring marriage. You need chemistry, and you need to laugh and have fun together with mutual interests, but most of all you need to be in love and enjoy each other. Don't throw in the towel and figure that you made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. You need to move on.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

1kasey said:


> I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband.
> 
> I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.


You picked your spouse with your head not your heart. That rarely works.

AND for the record that whole opposites attract thing is total crap. Most people gravitate towards like. Like personalities, like interests, like values, like morals, etc. 

So the answer for you now is to admit you made a terrible mistake and get out. You and your husband both deserve better than this.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

He doesn't sound passive,he sounds incredibly closed off and selfish.

You're at just as much fault as he is though,in my opinion.You've been pretending and putting up with things,probably been handing out a huge dose of passive aggression too rather than looking him straight in the eyes and expressing exactly how you're feeling. Well,you did express it but only after you were at the breaking point which unfortunately tends to put people on the defense or it makes them shut down completely as in "I'm thinking about driving"

I too am wondering why you married this person.It sounds odd to marry someone just because they're your opposite.What did you love about him prior to the I Do's? 

It sounds like both of you need help with learning how to talk to each other.I wonder if he'd attend therapy with you?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

1kasey said:


> I've been married for about a year and a half and regretting it since the honeymoon. There's no sob story here, hubby is a nice man who goes to work every day


What does he do for a living?


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Forgive me if I'm off base here, but what I read is "we don't do anything together". Specifically, you want him to seek out activities with you. I don't find him to be passive or particularly selfish. Maybe he's just as bored as you?

Why not join him in whatever activity he is engaged in? You say he's playing video games; you can't play with him? Generally, guys play video games when they don't really have anything better to do... and yeah, board games aren't really as entertaining - especially if its just two people. Put a few 20-something guys in a house with an xbox and they'll probably all end up playing and carrying on.

In the end, I think one or the both of you has to enter the others world and engage the activities their spouse enjoys. Concerts and the like cost money and probably aren't going to be common events. You need something you can do whenever.

The truth is that guys generally don't think about these things. We think "I'm bored... time to own some noobs in Call of Duty or kick some tail in Madden." Average nights at home are pretty dull I think... "that's just life" is what I'm told all the time. Almost universally, people of all types complain about being bored. In all likelihood, you don't have any ideas on what to do... well, he doesn't either.

I recommend identifying the things you both enjoy doing together, and developing your own interests. He can't join you if you aren't passionate about anything either.

It seems odd that you would get close enough to someone to marry without any common interests.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

1kasey said:


> "My husband is a nice guy, but I hate being married to him"?





> I'm so miserable because there is no chemistry, no romance, nothing that even makes me feel like he's a friend, much less a husband. We don't laugh, play games, go to concerts, ANYTHING. We sit in front of the tv while he plays xbox


I wouldn't call him a nice Guy because a Nice Guy is one who would be bending over backwards to please you - and you find it weak & a turn off.. this is more a case of a self absorbed Man-child who can't put his games away... He sounds LAZY, unconnected...and ..selfish. 

Online Gaming Addiction Test - HealthyPlace



> I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.


 I feel opposites can attract fine in temperaments -but this hinges on if both are contributing their parts in the marriage to please the other... holding up their own responsibilities & filling each others Love Tanks. It sure helps to have similar interests, marital goals, desires & beliefs to make it a smoother ride though. 



> I have tried really hard to make things better by pretending to be happy and doing everything in my power to spoil him and make him feel wanted, loved, appreciated etc, but it gets me nowhere. *He says something like "Aww wasn't that sweet of you" kisses me on the forehead, and goes back to whatever it was he was doing. * I feel like my insides are screaming, but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?


 Your emotional needs are being ignored. Pretending when you are seething inside....you can not go on like this, it will not work, resentment will grow like a plague...this will = passive aggressiveness/ resentment... or an explosion (much fighting down the line)..... His temperament is likely more "passive aggressive" beings how you describe him. 



> He just doesn't seem to care about anything. It's like I married a robot. Tonight in the car I made it plain that I was getting fed up with how things are and that our relationship is in serious danger and he didn't say a word. I asked him what he was thinking and he said he was thinking about driving. Didn't even look the least bit upset.


 Sounds he has shut down emotionally as well. 

Have you ever heard of this book >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core emotional Needs addressed in that book....



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> ...


 Maybe you & her could sit down and write out your lists in the order of importance .....your top 5 specifically...and hers....with the goal of working to fulfill each others love tank......Here are work sheets you can print out







 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









... to get you started in sharing what each wants from the other.... and giving it a Go.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

1kasey said:


> ... I married him because we are complete opposites and I thought we'd balance out and complement each other, not drive each other nuts.
> 
> ... but I have to keep a smile on because how can I say "I don't feel like you really meant that" and not look like a demanding oversensitive freak?
> 
> ...


You married an opposite because you thought it would be a good idea and now you find it wasn't and you want to change him. Maybe you should tell him that and see if he has anything to say about it. Because he doesn't know the full context at the moment so he's having trouble responding.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

1. Speak your mind, you're not doing anyone any favors by bottling this in.

2. Start planning activities together

3. If you married him the way he acts, don't expect that he will change.


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

Thank you for all the helpful replies! 

As to why I married him, I fell in love, as cliche as it sounds. We had a long distance relationship so most of it was texting or talking on the phone. When we did see each other it was for a Saturday and usually with lots of other people around. I figured any guy that drives 7 hours to see someone really must love them. Now I can look back and see that I should have seen a few big red flags and ended it, but they just seemed like little things before. I was too naive to realize that they were a small manifestation of a big deal breaker. We met because he went to the same college as my sister.

Unbelievable, thanks for the input, I think you're right. I'll try to make sure I have his full attention next time.



> If you've felt this way since the honeymoon, then surely you felt this way a week and a month before the wedding.


 I had a feeling a week or so before the wedding, but I had already agreed to marry him and wasn't about to back out because of a bad vibe. Like I said, I was naive. 



> I don't think you sound like a b*tch for feeling this way. It's great and all that he's a super nice guy, but it takes more than that for a happy and enduring marriage. You need chemistry, and you need to laugh and have fun together with mutual interests, but most of all you need to be in love and enjoy each other.


 Thank you so much for understanding, that is exactly what I feel marriage should be.



> I wonder if he'd attend therapy with you?


 I think he would attend, but I don't think he'd open up. He'd say all the right things and nothing would change. He's got it all in his head, he just hasn't learned he needs to apply it yet.



> What does he do for a living?


 I'm not really sure why you asked, but he's an IT guy. Mostly a lot of "Hey my computer won't let me log in and I know I have my password right" 



> Forgive me if I'm off base here, but what I read is "we don't do anything together". Specifically, you want him to seek out activities with you. I don't find him to be passive or particularly selfish. Maybe he's just as bored as you?
> 
> Why not join him in whatever activity he is engaged in? You say he's playing video games; you can't play with him? Generally, guys play video games when they don't really have anything better to do... and yeah, board games aren't really as entertaining - especially if its just two people. Put a few 20-something guys in a house with an xbox and they'll probably all end up playing and carrying on.
> 
> ...


 You are _exactly_ right. I want to feel like he actually cares about doing anything with me. I thought I found something we could do together when I bought second hand tennis equipment and surprised him with it. We played a few times, he said he enjoyed it, and promised to take me every saturday morning so we could get a little exercise and have some fun together. We haven't been to the courts in months. So I think you're right, the only way I'm going to get any time with him is to engage in whatever lame activity he's doing (yes, the resentment is dripping). The only times he seems animated is when he watches sports or plays video games. I thought that for us to be close those things would have to butt out, but maybe I can piggyback on the enthusiasm he already has for them and shift a little of that my way if I join him in these activities. I've tried to before but I just don't enjoy watching other people play sports and I royally suck at video games, so it's a pretty humiliating experience to try to keep up with him. Looks like I've got some practicing to do... 

SimplyAmorous, thank you so much for you reply and the links. I will ask hubby if we can both sit down and fill out the emotional needs questionnaire. But with the condition that we will actually put the results to good use and not just say "Hey, look at that honey, I'm ignoring all 5 of your top emotional needs, what are the ods!?" 
Part of the reason I'm so aggravated with him is we've read His Needs Her Needs together more than once. When we read the chapter on recreational companionship and it suggested that the man give up his activities that don't include wife, he didn't even think about it. Loud and clear, his video games are more important to him than our marriage.

I will try planning activities for us to do together that I think we'd both enjoy, but I don't even want to at this point. I am tired of trying to make our marriage better by myself. Who knows, maybe if I keep at it for a while and then stop he'll realize he enjoyed it and put forth a little effort to come up with something himself. Or at least say "Hey I liked spending time with you, can you come up with something for us to do this weekend?" ....yeah I think my insides just died laughing =P


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Then you need to "man" up and start living your own life. If you say, "Hey let's do XYZ, I need that to feel fulfilled." and he responds, "I'm not giving up video games." And nothing changes in the relationship, he has no impetus to change.

You need to put it very bluntly, "I am feeling unfulfilled in our marriage and am losing my desire to stay married. It would help me if we did <two> activities together per week."

(replace that last sentence with whatever it is specifically you need to feel fulfilled).

Let that sit for a few weeks, if he doesn't make any changes, I'd file for separation.

That may sound drastic but it's either going to get his attention and he'll start working on it, or he's not going to change and you're going to end up on that path anyway.

Better to separate while you still have a chance to reconcile than after you've lost all desire to make it work.

Most women in your shoes will tough it out, put up with it wayyy too long, not feel a drop of feelings for their husband, and then run away when they meet someone else with no desire to make things work. By the time the guy understands the severity of his inaction, the woman is already past the point where she wants to work on it.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

1kasey said:


> I'm not really sure why you asked, but he's an IT guy. Mostly a lot of "Hey my computer won't let me log in and I know I have my password right"


Your description of a typical evening sounded like de-stress/relaxation behavior on his end and I was curious if there was anything resembling a legitimate reason for it or not. I don't think I.T. is terribly stressful myself. 

This type of behavior is actually not gender specific. There are plenty of women who de-stress by spending big chunks of the evening on the phone with sisters, mothers, girlfriends, etc. and internet social media. 

It's important for couples to mold their evening and weekend relaxation behaviors around each other and do things they both like.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Can't you do something simple like booking dinner at a restaurant one night? "Hey, I booked dinner at that little Italian place in X for Thursday night, okay? You're taking me out." Then if it goes well do it again the next week. 

Not so much "planning an activity together" as _forcing_ an activity on him. Get him out of the house a bit and perhaps he'll start seeing there's more to life than video games.

Otherwise, I'd echo the sentiments of COguy. *You* go out and do things. Make friends, join clubs, study something. Show him there is a life out there and you mean to find it, and it might rub off on him.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> Your description of a typical evening sounded like de-stress/relaxation behavior on his end and I was curious if there was anything resembling a legitimate reason for it or not. I don't think I.T. is terribly stressful myself.


I.T. not stressful? Yeah, right! If he's a service desk guy, then 50% of his time is spent talking to stupid people who are yelling at him as if he caused their problems and he can't yell back because he's supposed to put up with their garbage and remain polite. 

I deal with these guys a lot and I can tell you that they are surprised when a caller is calm and polite. 

If he's a developer like me I can tell you that being on call at night and working 70 hour weeks to meet some VP's unrealistic schedule is also stressful. 

Of course, there are the middle management types in I.T. who manage to avoid the work and the stress and claim the credit.


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## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> I don't think I.T. is terribly stressful myself.


Shenanigans as the above poster stated. I.T. can be extremely stressful depending on the position. Who enjoys dealing with whiny, computer illiterate user's all day?

On another note, I second that dinner reservation idea. Try that.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

IT can be very stressful. I have family members who do front desk IT support for major corporations and government agencies. I would not want their jobs. Sometimes they're on their feet for hours walking to this department and the next or going under someone's computer to see what's broken. The calls they get...unbelievable and hilarious like "what do you mean press any key...I don't see a button called the any key on my keyboard." When people can't check their emails or get on the internet, they get angry. And who bears the brunt of it? You guess it, the IT rep. If you do network support, you're sometimes expected to carry a work cell phone so that you can be called on the weekends and off hours in case something is off with system. I've seen my relatives work all through the night sometimes to fix problems on the network. 

Kasey - If your husband is in IT, he may naturally have a more low key, introverted personality. Not all IT folks are like that, but many are. Perhaps he's more interested in activities that can be done at home versus going out. He decompresses at home whereas you get relaxed by doing things outside of the home. I agree with the others that you both have to brainstorm to come up with activities you can do together that appeal to both of you, not just him and not just you.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

MysteryMan1 said:


> Shenanigans as the above poster stated. I.T. can be extremely stressful depending on the position. Who enjoys dealing with whiny, computer illiterate user's all day?


LOL - Point taken and yes that's irritating. I guess it depends on what else you've done in life and what you're comparing I.T. headaches to.

To be fair, the husband in the OP might be extremely stressed out, but I didn't get that impression from her description.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

You both could read "The Five Languages of Love." Sounds like your love language is quality time.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

1kasey said:


> I thought that for us to be close those things would have to butt out, but maybe I can piggyback on the enthusiasm he already has for them and shift a little of that my way if I join him in these activities. I've tried to before but I just don't enjoy watching other people play sports and I royally suck at video games, so it's a pretty humiliating experience to try to keep up with him. Looks like I've got some practicing to do...


My advice... buy a new game to play. Games can be social, and women I've introduced to gaming often find themselves mad at me for giving them a new addiction. 

Pay attention to what kinds of games he likes or go together and pick something... but make sure its something he would want to play even without you. Here's something about women it took me awhile to learn or even accept, maybe it applies to you too: You don't really care so much about what the activity is so long as he wants you a part of it. You have to feel needed... and guys are mostly wired/trained/raised to not be needy. So with women, the company is first, and the actual activity second. But with most guys, the desireable activity comes first, and company second. This is why the average guy acts like you coerced him into going shopping with you, even if he loves you. He doesn't want to be there, he's trying to be nice.

An odd thing I've absolutely loved about several women I've dated is how they seemed to pick up my things... my interests. For example, picking up football. I dated one girl who hated football but always painted her fingernails in my team's color every Sunday... because she liked ME. She had no idea what was going on in a game, didn't really care to learn... but it was fun and humorous teaching it. We would go out every weekend to this sportsbar to watch the game, have a couple drinks and what not. It was great to watch her talk trash with other patrons rooting for the opposing team... especially recurrent games with rivals. Over time she learned enough that we were having conversations that I'd have otherwise been having with other guys. She was in the club now, and came to appreciate the instant bond with strangers wearing the same colors. 

There are moments of tension in sports, that you'll only get by paying attention, that create awesome emotional highs and lows (the reason there are sooo many sports movies). These sorts of emotions bring a couple together when they're shared. At first I thought it was kinda goofy the way she jumped in on this activity of mine that I knew she wasn't into. But in the end, she started to enjoy it too... and I wanted her there. There were times where she couldn't watch the game because of work and it was always an important thing, an enjoyable thing, to call to tell her about the big moments, up and down plays. It was something to connect on and feel passionately about together.

Somebody has to be the one to enter the other's world a bit.


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

I am pretty sure you married my husband's long lost twin. Mine left to work out of state and I am discovering that I allowed myself to be too dependent on him for fulfilling my social needs when we have absolutely nothing in common.

Now that I have no choice, I'm building my own life without him and finding it much more fulfilling than wasting time waiting on him was. I'd suggest joining a social group. For me, it's a fiber arts group that I love to go to every week. 

Bowling, book clubs and church if you're so inclined are great social outings that can help you get the interaction you need and build friendships with people who do share your interests.

I have found that most of his shortcomings don't matter much to me now that I am not so dependent on him for everything. And the conversation! With real people! It's great - should've done this years ago!


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

> If your husband is in IT, he may naturally have a more low key, introverted personality.


He is very introverted, but I know he hates it. He wants friends, but he's too shy to even carry on a decent conversation with new people. I used to be really shy and introverted too which is why we got along well to begin with. We were both quiet folk. But then I went to college and made best friends with the most outgoing person I have ever met. We used to waltz everywhere just for fun and sing on the way to classes holding hands. Just remembering it almost makes me puke rainbows!

I think the excessive gaming is partly for stress relief and partly because he just doesn't know any better. Both of his parents bore me to tears as well. I thought the laid back atmosphere was relaxing and homey at first, but now it makes me want to do something crazy just to liven them up! Maybe I'll try to take him rock wall climbing or get a group together for laser tag or paintball. 

And you're absolutely right, I need to get a life. I need to find clubs and friends and I'd love to, but I share a car with my husband and he takes it with him to work every day. I tried making friends through church, but believe it or not I don't think there's anyone in this town my age... not that age matters really, but it would be nice to have a friend that's on the same stretch of life as me and can relate. That being said, I am not giving up. I am on the hunt for a good job so that I can afford a car and get out and do stuff whether he wants to or not! 

I'm also writing him a big to-the-point letter detailing EXACTLY what I want and need from this marriage so that there is no misunderstanding. And of course in return I am happy to do things for him that he wants or needs even if all that is, is some time to himself.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

1kasey said:


> He is very introverted, but I know he hates it. He wants friends, but he's too shy to even carry on a decent conversation with new people. I used to be really shy and introverted too which is why we got along well to begin with. We were both quiet folk. But then I went to college and made best friends with the most outgoing person I have ever met. We used to waltz everywhere just for fun and sing on the way to classes holding hands. Just remembering it almost makes me puke rainbows!


Sounds like your husband needs his confidence boosting. Why not do something social together? Get him to meet some new people and come out of his shell?


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

Okay, who called my husband!? He just called me and asked me if I'd like to go bowling tomorrow!! And said he'd like to go rock climbing sometime!!! I'm going to hyperventilate! I didn't do anything! ...except maybe throw a teensy fit by throwing all the garbage in the house that he's been promising to take out for months into his parking spot in the carport.... hmm wonder if I can move it all by the time he gets home ^^"


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Ha ha thats amazing.
It sounds like your not done with him but you need him to be more mature, and consider your needs and the needs of the relationship.
He sounds a little unskilled in that.

One thing he should do is prepare some appropriate questions on the acquaintance, causual, and early intimate levels of friendship, to begin and carry a conversation.

Its rudementary but it sounds like he needs to start there.
He should make a point to get out and practice, He needs to take some steps at social interaction.

Also have him read a married mans sex life, it will change his life, it not a sex manual but it about staying attractive to your spouse, please get it for him, also the book no more mr nice guy would be good as well.

This will be a disaster for the both of you if he does not get it.

take care!


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

> Ha ha thats amazing.
> It sounds like your not done with him but you need him to be more mature, and consider your needs and the needs of the relationship.
> He sounds a little unskilled in that.
> 
> ...


I know! I really was not expecting that! I was preparing to ambush him with questionnaires, a book (I ordered Love Busters, and I will also get the books you recommended, thank you for the suggestions) a super direct letter, and do something drastic like move out of the bedroom or tell him I decided to be a lesbian to get his attention  He also said he'd like to play Fable together, which I think is a great place to start because all I have to do is press A to talk to people and move the joystick to walk around.

I asked him what started all this and he said he'd been thinking and realized that he hasn't been doing a very good job of spending time with me. doh!

I'm still going to do everything I wanted to do and hopefully go to a marriage retreat if I can find one in our area. Now I just have a little hope and a much better attitude about it  

However... if he breaks our date tomorrow all hell will break loose. Death. Death and dismemberment.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

You sound to good to lose, I hope he keeps it up!
Let us know


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

1kasey said:


> Okay, who called my husband!? He just called me and asked me if I'd like to go bowling tomorrow!! And said he'd like to go rock climbing sometime!!! I'm going to hyperventilate! I didn't do anything! ...except maybe throw a teensy fit by throwing all the garbage in the house that he's been promising to take out for months into his parking spot in the carport.... hmm wonder if I can move it all by the time he gets home ^^"


*kasey* - sounds like he's been listening to you after all.

You to put an exclamation point on the discussion by tossing the trash into his parking spot.

I'd wager this was "out of character" behavior for you.
Am I right?


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

old timer said:


> *kasey* - sounds like he's been listening to you after all.
> 
> You to put an exclamation point on the discussion by tossing the trash into his parking spot.
> 
> ...


I guess so 

And yes, very. I was raised in a "christian" home that taught women to basically be nothing more than servants to their husbands.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I wouldn't give up on him.

Read all the unhappy posts with drama and cheating and consider yourself lucky.

Most people are pretty boring.

I get the feeling he just isn't that good of a planner especially if he isn't that social. 

It is good news he suggested the activities. 

Sign up for short classes together like weekend cooking, painting, home improvement, new software.

For games, get just dance and you both play it. It is so much fun. 

Buy some crafty things and do them together.

On the weekend, just get in the car and drive with no plans.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Tigger said:


> I wouldn't give up on him.
> 
> Read all the unhappy posts with drama and cheating and consider yourself lucky.
> 
> Most people are pretty boring.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## 1kasey (Dec 24, 2012)

Tigger said:


> I wouldn't give up on him.
> 
> Read all the unhappy posts with drama and cheating and consider yourself lucky.
> 
> ...


I know I'm very lucky to have him. I could have ended up with someone a million times worse easily. I wasn't saying that I was ready to divorce him (I don't believe in divorce). I am just trying to do the best I can with what I have, and looking for ways to make our marriage better. Life's too short to not spend it well.

I love all those ideas, the problem is getting him to agree. I don't think in any universe I could ever get him to do just dance with me haha. 

We agreed to take a cooking class before we got married, but he works really funky hours and uses it as an excuse to never do anything. I may just sign us up and hope that he can't stand to waste the money by not not coming.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

1kasey said:


> I don't think in any universe I could ever get him to do just dance with me haha.



Have YOU ever asked HIM to DANCE?

Q for you *kasey*...do you work outside the home?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

1kasey said:


> We agreed to take a cooking class before we got married, but he works really funky hours and uses it as an excuse to never do anything. I may just sign us up and hope that he can't stand to waste the money by not not coming.


My wife and I have really enjoyed those.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

1kasey said:


> I guess so
> 
> And yes, very. I was raised in a "christian" home that taught women to basically be nothing more than servants to their husbands.


Look at this verse..

1 Peter 3:7
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

It could not be more clear, "show her honor as a fellow heir"

What do we do for people we honor ?

We listen to them, value them, consider their needs, weigh their opinions, apologise when we are wrong, the whole enchiladas.

I'm sorry for the bad example you were raised with.
below is a quote I like.
Take care!



Giving honor unto the wife - It was an important advance made in society when the Christian religion gave such a direction as this, for everywhere among the pagan, and under all false systems of religion, woman has been regarded as worthy of little honor or respect. She has been considered as a slave, or as a mere instrument to gratify the passions of man. It is one of the elementary doctrines of Christianity, however, that woman is to be treated with respect; and one of the first and most marked effects of religion on society is to elevate the wife to a condition in which she will be worthy of esteem.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Do you have any hobbies or friends to do things with?

Some people have the notion that marriage is about being constantly entertained. It is unfair to expect one person to meet every need like that.

I also would suggest taking the 5 languages of love test.

Find some hobbies and activities to do for yourself.

Seriously, finding someone who works, is sober, with no baggage, doesn't cheat, and no mental problems is very very rare these days.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...and trust me...a rock sitting on the couch is way better than the crazies...

Working on communication skills might help you both a bit. Look into 'Mastering the Mysteries of Love' - great church-sponsored nonviolent communication workshop. The biggest lesson is learning to empathize with your partner. One thing I'm noticing is that you may be staying at home brooding while he's at work, not really thinking about your issues until he gets home. It might be a good idea to try remembering that he's busy and not chuck stuff into the carport before he's had time to get back to you.

You might also want to start out just by making sure, in a loving fashion, that he knows how you are feeling and what you'd like to see change - while being aware and open to his concerns. (Eg, if the guy's completely drained after work, he may need downtime. However, that doesn't have to be videogames for most men. I'd be perfectly happy lying on the couch and getting backrubs while not talking about anything stressful. If you need someone more active on the weekdays and he's just too tired...well...maybe you both need to have a discussion about careers or just accept that life isn't perfect. For example, he could work part-time and you could get a full-time job to cover the difference.)

It may be that your husband is pretty passive, introverted, and not terribly well-organized. None of that is likely to change, but it sounds like he's not a total vegetable. It also might be that he's unhappy in his current job.

Multiplayer videogames sound like a good, cheap way to spend time together. Cribbage is also good. So is exercise - chosen properly, these may fit into his downtime.

For the rest, consider negotiating to figure out couple activities that work well for both of you and then fill in a realistic schedule - then follow up on it together and improve it. It can help to try new things in a safe environment. Personally, I'm shy and introverted - but I'm also into ballroom dancing (unfortunately...my wife's terrified...too uncoordinated) - you could try dance _class_ to get his comfort level up...s'lot more fun than either not knowing the dance or asking strangers to dance.

When you're being realistic, try blocking in all his hours. It is possible that after blocking in sleep, work, commute, et cetera, it will be true, with the best will in the world, that he doesn't have nearly enough time to keep you occupied.

Assume 168 hours per week. Assume 9*7=63 spent sleeping. Assume 10.5 hours spent commuting. Assume 55 hours spent working. Assume 7 hours spent eating. Assume 7 hours spent on dealing with life (bills, personal hygiene, exercise - that's about right, remembering single life) Assume 7 hours on personal time. At this point, you're looking at 16 hours of couple time per week, probably concentrated on the weekends - for perspective - that's one day-long excursion together. I'd get pretty bored on one day a week if I was stuck at home too. OTOH, I know I get pretty frazzled when my wife asks for appreciably more than that with a full-time job.

--Argyle


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you do all the housework? Cooking?


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