# I need your help



## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

Hello 

I am reading this forum and few other for over a week now and nothings help me to survive how my wife cheated on me,

We are together already for 13 years , we met when i was 18 she was 17 and since we lived together (we were both virgin) , we never really wanted children so we had a plenty of free time for each other ,

In my 25 it turned out that i succeed in my business , so we had money and love , we build our dream house , bought dream car , traveled etc ,

We had never any problem to communicate , all was great , sex was awesome, i was always looking to other and feeling special to have such a wife and life . I was ready to give all my life and everything i have just for her and never could believe that she can cheat on me , 

Now let start with the S**** , my "only love" come to me about midnight i was seating behind my pc finishing some work and preparing to sleep and said i have cheated on u .

The time stopped , i couldn't believe that i asked a few question , in order to figure out that she cheated me 2 year ago , once with someone one which she meet first time (she said this was stupid and she just wanted to try how it feel with another men , it turned out to be disgusting [according to her] ) , she then said that she was hurt and can't live with me anymore since she do no deserve me. After some huge fight , each went to sleep in a single room and i told her to get out .

I remained awake whole night thinking of how and why all this happened and how massively i was hurt.

I decided to get some more time to take final decisions after all there was 13y of love and trust and this at least deserve some try to rebuild our relation .

We talked again she said that she can't be happier than what she was with me and nothings can be changed for better , this was a mistake that shouldn't be happened

This even made me more angry , i have sleep trouble , trouble in eating , my physical strength was hurt , i lost few kg so far , 

I am between 2 fire now , i love her but it is hard for me to accept what she did , the hole **** is sniping in my mind over and over and over .

Now so far we still together but no more kissing sex ,hugging, just regular conversation, i am against and morally broken.

I do no believe in consulting , and i am not the kind of person that can share his thought with strange people .

Have no idea really , i am confused , what next , how can i trust her anymore , my heat burn all the time ,


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Firstly, be patient. Don't make long term decisions based on emotion. All the thing you describe are normal: not sleeping, not eating, losing strength, etc. This is also natural in a state of shock shortly after discovery.

You have an advantage that many here do not. Your wife told you about her affair on her own. You did not suspect anything, you were not told by someone else. This should tell you that she is sorry for what she has done.

Also, don't discount counseling. 


makaka said:


> I do no believe in consulting , and i am not the kind of person that can share his thought with strange people .


You're already sharing your thought with strange people. If you can afford it you should at least try it. It has been a great help for me.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

I agree with confused. Most Of us had to discover our spouses affair and your wife felt bad enough to tell you on her own. Try counseling. It will help. It sounds like you both still love each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

i would understand counseling if we have problem in our relation or communication problem or recently meet , 
But in our situation it sound like worthless , she cheated on me and left me with those feeling for the rest of life ,,, 
crying , screaming , talking about , nothings seem to cool me down , i feel broken , the sense of life is lost .
The question "WHY" is killing me , and the idea that i have to live with that for the end of my life is even worse , the image of someone else on top of my wife get premium seat in my mind , it is hard to make it go away for some time .

Can cheating on her back help ? (any way for me it was always and still disgusting to be with another women ). 
Worried to loose the love of my life and also to live with those feeling on me,
Do leaving her heal ?


> You're already sharing your thought with strange people. If you can afford it you should at least try it. It has been a great help for me.


This the power of internet to share being anonym

PS : we always meet new year in another country , trip is planned for 26 this month to 9th next month , do not even know , what should be better cancel it or go any way .


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

Counseling may help your wife see WHY she has done that besides her saying she wanted to see whatit was like with someone else. Don't make decisions until you have calmed down a little. It's gonna be rough. But it will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

cancel the trip---don't put yourself in a situation, where you are in a strange place with her, and her alone---things may go badly, and the results may be even worse

Its funny---you didn't have to see what other women were like---but she had to see what other men were like

Well she found out, and wrecked both of your lives---I guess the grass wasn't greener

By the way, what she did was NOT a MISTAKE---it was a serious of terrible choices by her

You need to get to the WHY, that she needed to taste foreign spice----why did she need to see what it was like with another----is she that bored with you

You have to wonder---had she liked sex with her ONS----would she still be with him now

How did the ONS, even come to fruition, what was she doing that made the ONS possible???


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

No kids you say? Cut and run.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

No, cheating on her for revenge will not work. Don't stoop to her level
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm trying to understand.

1. Why did she suddenly tell you two years later? Why now ?

2. Is she now refusing you sex using her cheating as a reason? Or are you rejecting sex from her?


Is there someone right now that she is cheating with? I'm thinking that her confession about the past might be her using it as an excuse to leave now so she can be with someone she's currently cheating with.

Do you know the guy she cheated with ? Can you go after him?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

how do you know she told you the whole thing ? 

Like it was only once and it was with a stranger ? How did she meet him ?

Cheaters whitewash the cheating so that it looks much less worse than it actually is. 

It happened only once. 

There was no emotional connection .

The sex was bad.

First you need to know the extent of truth of her confessions.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You should get more details, as to who she cheated with, how long. It does not seem to be ONS, as you say she claims.

NO REVENGE CHEATING. If you do, there would be no difference between her cheating and your proposed cheating.

Take some time. Dont decide anything now, unless and until you understand and deicde to reconcile with her.

Read the newbies link.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw most women would blame themselves if the sex with the OM was bad and they would try it again with a few others to make sure. This story does not make sense. She cheated only once two years ago and just now feels bad, confesses and what's to leave you?


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

> 1. Why did she suddenly tell you two years later? Why now ?


According to her , she reached her limit and can't keep that secret from me longer , i do not understand too, maybe this is due to our plan to have our first kid next year ,


> 2. Is she now refusing you sex using her cheating as a reason? Or are you rejecting sex from her?


No , it is me i am not interested , i am not sure if i can resume a sex life with her , i still love her like her but now everything is different. 



> Is there someone right now that she is cheating with? I'm thinking that her confession about the past might be her using it as an excuse to leave now so she can be with someone she's currently cheating with.


No , after all i am computer engineer i checked all her log phone call etc , she is not in relation with anyone at least for the last few week when i started checking .


> Do you know the guy she cheated with ? Can you go after him?


no , as i said before , this was someone he just met to try sex with someone else, no relation kept . off course according to her


> .No kids you say?


Yes no kids.



> cancel the trip---don't put yourself in a situation, where you are in a strange place with her, and her alone---things may go badly, and the results may be even worse


nothings can be worse then what i am feeling now , even her death or the death of all people i love will not hurt me as much as this ****,



> is she that bored with you


no according to her , and according to any standard too , we pass all weekend together we watch all movie in cinema , we have regularly romantic dinner , flowers, trip (maybe we were in over 50 country for at-least a week each) , not less than 8 gift per year ... the list is too long , she never told or complained about being bored , in sex we have no problem , we did tried everything and we were both more than pleased .



> You have to wonder---had she liked sex with her ONS----would she still be with him now


at least i can tell about the last few weeks it is a no , since she is home 24 / 7 except some quick out of 30 min to buy foot or out with me.


> How did the ONS, even come to fruition, what was she doing that made the ONS possible???


i was my work , she went to the beach , just as pass time until i get home (we live neat the beach) , he come to her they talked , few drink , a day later he met him again (during my work time again) few drink then went with him to his house and ....


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Check her phone records


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

> how do you know she told you the whole thing ?


That was her version , i used to trust her 100% , now no idea what to say 


> Like it was only once and it was with a stranger ? How did she meet him ?


i was my work , she went to the beach , just as pass time until i get home (we live neat the beach) , he come to her they talked , few drink , a day later he met him again (during my work time again) few drink then went with him to his house and ....


> She cheated only once two years ago and just now feels bad, confesses and what's to leave you?


in reality (if this is the reality) , she do not want to leave me , but of course hard for her to live with me after what she did , and even harder for me . 
Of course she cried and asked to be forgiven . but this did not make me feel better (even worse ) .

Maybe our 13y love or life together play some role here , but now go figure (this was love or not , we were really together or not....)


> Check her phone records


clean , i have even few cameras on my house , i can see what she is doing the hole day : watching TV , or cleaning stuff...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So she knows where his house is. Have her show it to you. She'll remember it do don't believe her if she says she doesn't remember. It's the house she followed another man. It's the house that ended her marriage. Trust me she remembers it, and she goes past it a lot.

I recommend you move on from her. It's clear that she has broken your trust and your heart.

Her excuse for shy she cheated frankly is insulting a moronic. You better hope she doesn't wonder what it is like to jump off a cliff, or give away all your money, or rob a bank,

She just went to the beach, met done stranger, and the next day was letting him ejaculate in her because she was curious is ridiculous.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What do you really want??

You know that you can stay with her, but staying with her could just be a very miserable existence for you??

This could very well happen again------you work, she is bored, she goes out meets a guy, he turns her on, she has a little sauce---and bingo---repeat of ONS

Ask her what she was thinking as she spread her legs for the guy----she had to know what adultery does, and the consequences of it---she had to know she was probably gonna wreck the mge. Did she think of you at all???

What was her thinking as she met him, came home to you looked you in the eyes, said everything is good---and then went back to him the next day-----THAT WAS NO MISTAKE---that WAS A CHOICE MADE BY HER---to very possibly end the mge---she had a FULL day to think about what had happened on the 1st day---yet she still went back the 2nd day----WHY----once again---you can say you and her were doing great---if that is so, why did she need tawdry sex---from a stranger no less----she knew nothing about the guy---he could have been a criminal, could have raped her, given her a disease, could have ended up blackmailing her

Do not necessarily believe the sex was so bad---that is just her down playing what happened, so that she doesn't look the wh*re that she became.

IMHO, the guilt has probably been a slow festering cancer, now it is out---question again---for you,---WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE---just remember this story is your story---this is about your life---SHE DOES NOT FIGURE IN THE FINAL OUTCOME------up to you whether she gets to stay IN YOUR LIFE!!!!!


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

> So she knows where his house is. Have her show it to you. She'll remember it do don't believe her if she says she doesn't remember. It's the house she followed another man. It's the house that ended her marriage. Trust me she remembers it, and she goes past it a lot.


I have not asked for his house , according to her this was a student that come to our city as a trip , he was renting an apartment 



> I recommend you move on from her. It's clear that she has broken your trust and your heart.


This where i am now , between fire of all what i did to her , my love and trust and the need to move out , in the other side i have all my love and long time together which asking to remain , i do not really what to say , or what i need , only amnesia could help in my case or the ability to travel in time (either to not meet her , or to prevent that ****),
i still can't believe the hole ****


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

> What do you really want??


so far only to travel back in time either prevent the ONS , or select another girl to build a life with and love .


> You know that you can stay with her, but staying with her could just be a very miserable existence for you??


yes , i am in the process of auto destruction , no idea really what will be the effect of leaving her .


> Ask her what she was thinking as she spread her legs for the guy----she had to know what adultery does, and the consequences of it---she had to know she was probably gonna wreck the mge. Did she think of you at all???


she said first she had no plan for anythings , then the few drink and some kissing turned her really on , 



> Do not necessarily believe the sex was so bad---that is just her down playing what happened, so that she doesn't look the wh*re that she became.


i do not believe on that , if she really did not liked it at least she should stopped somewhere in the middle of the sex , but this was not the case .


> WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE


really hard to say , if all those feeling i have will be gone after some time - maybe i can be happy again with her , or if i kick her out and move on my life and try to start with a blank page , maybe those feeling will go away .
As far as i see there is not a single good choice


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Two years ago she jumped into another mans bed, let him do her and then she just came home and went on with her life...

Until suddenly two years later she feels guilty.

Seriously I smell a rat.

Is it possible that he is back looking for more or perhaps she saw him around?

Your wife is very accomplished liar. She cheated and kept the lie to 2 years without giving anything away. My gut says she s still lying to you even now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Serious trickle truth in this one.

OP I'm sorry for what you're going through but this story doesn't add up in so many angles. I think you should prepare yourself for more details to come to light.

Honest question, since you have no kids with her do you want to risk having a kid or two with her then another affair happening?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Take some time in making your decision to see if you can live with it.

In the mean time, make sure she tells you complete truth.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Wow...you sure learned the quote/splice quote thing quickly in your first few posts. I especially like the "native tongue" sounding text...that always gives me a giggle.

Mmmkay...so, you're basically having trouble decided if to have a revenge affair, walk away or reconcile? Which do you really want?


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

go back further than a few weeks in the records. Your provider should be able to help there.

Now, as most here will testify, I am mostly a just let them go guy. And if it was me I would. But, I am severely limited in emotions.
You are not like that. So do as much investigating her past for the last few yrs. as possible. First it will give you a tangible plan. it will also help you feel proactive, instead of a victim.

Now I want you to pay close attention to this next part.
You guys got together VERY YOUNG, and many who did felt the same thing she felt. TRUE, she had to have given this some thought before, but unless your investigation show otherwise, this was just the perfect storm.
Now while you may have no desire to explore other women, most ppl in life are not like that. Now that don't mean that they do, but just saying if you research you'll see it's true.
And like a poster stated, do not make any major decision at this time. Put your focus on investigating at this time.
As for her telling you, I can see it like you stated. I can see the guilt and shame beating her down until she confessed. 
What you must also see now is that your old marriage is dead. That confession killed it. 
So to go forward, you guys will have to build a new one. Now this all hinges on her being truthful, when she say it was a one time BAD CHOICE. 
You see, I've learned that many think they can do something, but the reality is they never account for the personal dirtying of their of their soul, and the unclean feeling that live with them until they have to atone by confessing.
In your case, if there is nothing revealed by investigating, you now have a wife that KNOW she is not the cheating deceitful type.
So if you can rebuild and have kids later, I think you will never have to worry about her again.

And as for consults, I hear the Marriage Builders Site is a good place.

I know you are hurting, but you must pull yourself together and just start moving proactively now. Do not be a slave to the lil movies, they will defeat all your dreams.

Good Luck and stay Well.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

makaka said:


> no according to her , and according to any standard too , we pass all weekend together we watch all movie in cinema , we have regularly romantic dinner , flowers, trip (maybe we were in over 50 country for at-least a week each) , not less than 8 gift per year ... the list is too long , she never told or complained about being bored , in sex we have no problem , we did tried everything and we were both more than pleased .


And she repaid it with cheating on you. Talk about an ungrateful woman.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You don't live in your home country, am I right? If you are expats, the social circle tends to be small and the word gets around. It is possible she disclosed as you'd hear anyway from another source.


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

> You need to find out the full truth.


according to her , this is due to our recent decision to make kids


> Mmmkay...so, you're basically having trouble decided if to have a revenge affair, walk away or reconcile? Which do you really want?


Here the part where i am confused , 
I really would like if leaving her will make feel fine again , or will this affair just disappear from my feeling with time .



> And she repaid it with cheating on you. Talk about an ungrateful woman.


And that's a part that making me mad , angry ....



> You don't live in your home country, am I right?


Me yes , but she is leaving in her country


> If you are expats, the social circle tends to be small and the word gets around.


No due to my business , i have a lot of friend and relation here .


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Only once at his home and he being a student from else where. I smell the Tricke truth. Ask her for a polygraph and see her reaction.
Why now? May be he came back for another shot or may be she want unburden her guilt, may be she is testing the waters to see the reaction because she may be in a new A.

Any way ask for a poly.

No kids+Cheating wife (once or 100 times does it matter?)= Run to the mountains.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

makaka said:


> or will this affair just disappear from my feeling with time .


Good luck with that. 

An affair will haunt you for the rest of your life. You'll always be looking over your shoulders. Wondering if she's cheating again. You'll never be able to trust her again so it'll never disappear from your life.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

makaka said:


> And that's a part that making me mad , angry ....


And you should be angry. 

You are also in your early thirties with no kids, and this means that for the next couple of years you will be in the prime of your life. Realistically, your chances to get a new and better relationship have never been better. 

BTW, does your wife work, or is she just a moocher.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Two years ago she jumped into another mans bed, let him do her and then she just came home and went on with her life...
> 
> Until suddenly two years later she feels guilty.
> 
> ...


I don't believe its a student at all. I think its someone who lives near you. They had an affair for a long time. Maybe she got tired of the affair and broke it off. Now the guy is trying to get her back and has threatened to tell you. So she told you first. There is much more to this story if you ask me.


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## makaka (Dec 18, 2012)

> BTW, does you wife work, or is she just a moocher.


no she do not for the moment , there was time when she worked but there was never a need , those where just temporary to kill time when i was at work .


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your wife is clearly TTing you. Dig deeper and deeper.


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