# How do I get thru to him that "I'm DONE!"



## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

Hey folks - first post here. I really like it here! 

I am beyond frustrated with my H. I can't even say STBX cuz it could be a long road! 

Married 14 years, 2 kids (D-13, S-5). Our marriage has been a train wreck since, well since our engagement! haha - kind of true. But basically since the beginning. We married out of insecurity. No affairs from either of us. 

For our entire marriage whenever we argued my H would scream divorce. He was leaving, packing up and gettin' out of dodge. I learned after year 3 or so that he was full of crap. His MO for everything was threats. He loves to threaten everyone with everything. 

He was verbally abusive for most of our marriage. He's just an emotionally broken person. Can't hold a job. Has had about 8 jobs in 14 years and only 1 will even give him a reference. He has a Masters in his field so he isn't a dummy - just not motivated and not a team player. 

He has a horrible relationship with our 13 yo D. 2 years ago - we had a couple major verbally abusive incidents by him to our daughter - threatening bodily harm and chasing her thru the house, etc. He didn't cross the line to physical abuse but at that point I knew something had to change. 

D started cutting around that time and talking suicide - at age 11. I immediately got her into counseling. We did the family stuff and 1:1 stuff. I told H that it was counseling or the boot. He went but then about 6 months in we had an arugment about something and he quit counseling hasn't been back since. 

Fast forward 2 years - DD is still cutting - it has escalated and she just spent a week in hospital for cutting and suicidal actions/thoughts. She hates her dad. Wants nothing to do with him. 

We have talked separation for a couple years but he REFUSES to leave. Even though for 11 years he screamed divorce at the drop of a pin and I fought to keep us together. Now I have asked him a divorce and he is refusing. Saying he will change and be better. 

I filed for divorce last week. He is digging in his heals. Saying that "I am not done". I have told him...I am done. There is no winning me back. You can verbally abuse me, emotionally abuse me (i'm tough and can handle it cuz I realize he is an immature idiot at times) but he crossed the line when he started in on our daughter. It is my job to protect our kids from this. 

I think it is GREAT he wants to get help and get better. He is going to go back to counseling, he is working on his relationsip with our daughter, he is going to church and seeking mentoring there. All this action in the space of 1 week. All because I put divorce papers in front of him. 

The problem is...we've been here before. I told him it would take me years to believe that all of this is genuine and lasting and I am not wasting another 2 years of our daughter's life waiting to see just to find out in 2 years we end up right back here. We had this EXACT conversation 2 years ago and I kick myself everyday for not filing 2 years ago - just because I didn't want to hurt him. 

The bottom line is - I shut down on him a long time ago. Geez, the last time we had sex was when I got pregnant with my son. He is 5. That tells you a lot right there. I am done. I am done. I am not bitter, I don't hate him, I don't wish him ill, I hope he figures it all out. I just don't like him and the way he treats people. I don't trust him. He lies - about everyday stupid stuff. He is lazy - perfectly happy for me to bust my rear working full time making good money while he works part-time for a fraction of what he is worth. 

But now I look like the bad guy cuz I am done, I have drawn the line in the sand. What others see now is an amazing guy and dad. Actually - he's not, he just looks desperate to me. 

I am getting angrier by the day because I feel trapped. He says he is going to drag this out as long as he can because he doesn't want a divorce. He says he loves me and still wants me. Too little too late. It'll be years before I am convinced of that. I have tried to explain to him - you won't win be back by making me feel like a prisoner in a marriage I want nothing to do with. He doesn't get it. 

The house is in my name only. I make just enough money to pay all the bills - would be very very tight but I could do it probably. But he won't leave, and as long as he is being nice - I can't make him leave. If he starts being nasty again - I can file for exclusive possession and would likely get it. I can't afford to leave (I am soley legally/financially responsible for the house) and get an appt somewhere or I would! And he can't afford to live in the house on his own. So I would have to pay for the house and an appt. That isn't reasonable or even remotely feasible!

I am working with my lawyer to see if there is anyway, given the situation with my daughter that we can get a court order to settle separate living arrangements. 

I am angry - angry that it took me filing for divorce and shelling out big bucks for him to WAKE UP. But, I am not convinced it will stick. He is very good at putting on fronts for people. 

I am being fair with regard to divorce settlement. I just want it to be handled quickly and peacefully. 50% of everything (we don't have much but debt!) including my 401K - 50% custody of our son but asking for full custody of our daughter with her having the right to see him whenever she wants. 

He won't even talk about terms because he is convinced there won't be a divorce. How do I get thru to this guy that I am NOT CHANGING MY MIND?? I never would have paid $ and filed for divorce if I wasn't certain this was the right next step. My fear is that I could be stuck in this house with him deadlocked for the next 2 years...

Thanks for listening to my rant!! Off to go read some more inspiring threads from all of you!


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

What country are you in?


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## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

USA


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

ForTheKids said:


> Hey folks - first post here. I really like it here!
> 
> I am beyond frustrated with my H. I can't even say STBX cuz it could be a long road!
> 
> ...


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stay married. Divorce is life changing hell and will be horrible on your children, yourself, your husband, and your immediate and extended families. If everyone else sees him as a great man and a great father, it is likely that you have a distorted perception of him. Try to see the good in him.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Stay married. Divorce is life changing hell and will be horrible on your children, yourself, your husband, and your immediate and extended families. If everyone else sees him as a great man and a great father, it is likely that you have a distorted perception of him. Try to see the good in him.


You can't be serious. Divorce is only as bad as the people going through it make it. These things can be done amiably, even with children. 

To the OP: Just be firm and consistent with your message to your stbx. Work with your lawyer to build your case and keep the process moving. Your stbx may not like it but he cannot stop the process, only delay it. The bad part is that the longer it takes, the more $$ the lawyers tend to make. If he escallates to physical violence, call 911.

If your stbx continues to not go with the program, you may be able to get a restraining order for your daughter due to circumstances. Once she is home, he will have no choice but to leave unless he wants to face the consequences of violating the order.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

C3156 said:


> You can't be serious. Divorce is only as bad as the people going through it make it. These things can be done amiably, even with children.
> 
> To the OP: Just be firm and consistent with your message to your stbx. Work with your lawyer to build your case and keep the process moving. Your stbx may not like it but he cannot stop the process, only delay it. The bad part is that the longer it takes, the more $$ the lawyers tend to make. If he escallates to physical violence, call 911.
> 
> If your stbx continues to not go with the program, you may be able to get a restraining order for your daughter due to circumstances. Once she is home, he will have no choice but to leave unless he wants to face the consequences of violating the order.


No, YOU can't be serious. You are advising the OP to perjure herself in court and lie to a judge by taking out a fake restraining order against her husband to be removed from his own home? And you think doing this will make for an amicable divorce? Wow. This is horrible advice.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

OP,

It's not your job to convince your H that you are serious. Just let your actions do the talking.

If your H's actions are resulting in your D13's emotional distress/cutting/suicidal thoughts, then I understand why you want him out of the house. Get advice from your lawyer on how to handle this matter.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Stay married. Divorce is life changing hell and will be horrible on your children, yourself, your husband, and your immediate and extended families. If everyone else sees him as a great man and a great father, it is likely that you have a distorted perception of him. Try to see the good in him.


huh?

D is not life-changing hell. 

Remove yourself from your own situation before you give advice like this.


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## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

wilderness said:


> No, YOU can't be serious. You are advising the OP to perjure herself in court and lie to a judge by taking out a fake restraining order against her husband to be removed from his own home? And you think doing this will make for an amicable divorce? Wow. This is horrible advice.


Wow - you read a whole lot into my post that wasn't there. This is why I feel trapped. He is playing the part of a nice guy so I CAN'T even file for exclusive possession. Did you read my post? I know the rules and I would never twist reality to make something happen if there aren't legitimate grounds. I don't want this to get ugly. We served our kids ugly for 13 years. They deserve better. 

They are already in hell - we all are. Why I finally decided to file was because after considering all options I decided that a divorce while not ideal would at least give my kids a chance at having a peaceful home environment to thrive in. yeah they will have baggage - too bad they already have some. There is no win-win here. It is just ugly all the way around.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

wilderness said:


> No, YOU can't be serious. You are advising the OP to perjure herself in court and lie to a judge by taking out a fake restraining order against her husband to be removed from his own home? And you think doing this will make for an amicable divorce? Wow. This is horrible advice.


If this is true and documented, I am not sure how she would be committing perjury. The restraining order is the method of last resort.



ForTheKids said:


> He was verbally abusive for most of our marriage. He's just an emotionally broken person. Can't hold a job. Has had about 8 jobs in 14 years and only 1 will even give him a reference. He has a Masters in his field so he isn't a dummy - just not motivated and not a team player.
> 
> He has a horrible relationship with our 13 yo D. 2 years ago - we had a couple major verbally abusive incidents by him to our daughter - threatening bodily harm and chasing her thru the house, etc. He didn't cross the line to physical abuse but at that point I knew something had to change.
> 
> ...


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

C3156 said:


> If this is true and documented, I am not sure how she would be committing perjury. The restraining order is the method of last resort.


You suggested that this woman take out a restraining order on someone that hasn't assaulted her or threatened to assault her. The only way to do that would be to lie to a judge in court (read: perjury). In other words, you subtly suggested that she commit a crime. Not cool, imo.

edit: something that happened 2 years ago is not relevant now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

For,
Buy a few voice activated recorders.
1. Carry one with you at all times
2. Put the rest in places in the house your H is most likely to talk to your daughter
3. Buy a taser or pepper spray

Be firm but calm with him that you are proceeding. You just need to be prepared for him to destabilize. 

One poster said he must be a good guy if people in social situations like him. Total crap. If he can't keep a job - he doesn't grasp reciprocity relationships. It's that simple. 




ForTheKids said:


> Hey folks - first post here. I really like it here!
> 
> I am beyond frustrated with my H. I can't even say STBX cuz it could be a long road!
> 
> ...


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## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

Pretty sure that recording without consent is illegal. There was a time a while back when i went off my STBX for making me feel like an in adequate mom (I am anything BUT)...just another one of his bully tactics. And he recorded me with his phone. He said - thanks for that. I told my lawyer about it and he said - he could never use it for anything legal because it was obtained illegally - without my consent. 

But yeah - I have been tempted to record (even recorded a few convos on my phone for my own peace of mind) a lot and even put a keylogger on his computer. But he has everything locked down so tight he would be sure to notice. And in the end - it would get me nothing. And it is illegal. And I wouldn't want him to do that to me. 



MEM11363 said:


> For,
> Buy a few voice activated recorders.
> 1. Carry one with you at all times
> 2. Put the rest in places in the house your H is most likely to talk to your daughter
> ...


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## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

wilderness said:


> You suggested that this woman take out a restraining order on someone that hasn't assaulted her or threatened to assault her. The only way to do that would be to lie to a judge in court (read: perjury). In other words, you subtly suggested that she commit a crime. Not cool, imo.
> 
> edit: something that happened 2 years ago is not relevant now.


I wouldn't need a restraining order anyway. My lawyer said if he is making life miserable and creating an unhealthy environment for the kids it would be a matter of filing for exclusive possession of the home and letting the judge sort it out. Since the home is in my name and he couldn't afford to live there while the divorce is being settled he likely get boot. BUT - I have to have a case that shows he is not playing nice. At this moment, I don't have that. He is being an angel - like someone I never knew in 15 years of knowing him. I'm sure this wont' last forever!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ForTheKids said:


> Wow - you read a whole lot into my post that wasn't there. This is why I feel trapped. He is playing the part of a nice guy so I CAN'T even file for exclusive possession. Did you read my post? I know the rules and I would never twist reality to make something happen if there aren't legitimate grounds. I don't want this to get ugly. We served our kids ugly for 13 years. They deserve better.
> 
> They are already in hell - we all are. Why I finally decided to file was because after considering all options I decided that a divorce while not ideal would at least give my kids a chance at having a peaceful home environment to thrive in. yeah they will have baggage - too bad they already have some. There is no win-win here. It is just ugly all the way around.


Yes, you are already in hell, and I am so sorry to read of your situation. (BTW, the ignore feature here is your friend!) Since you filed, I assume you have an attorney? Are you in contact with him/her about what your H is doing, as far as fighting you and not leaving? There MUST be a way to get law enforcement involved somehow to get him out of there. 

GOD this thread triggers me back to my childhood and when my parents divorced! My dad pulled this same sh!t! AND he dragged me into the middle of it as well, and today, I have NOTHING to do with that man. This also reminds me, he did move into my grandparents' house after my mom filed, not sure how she got him out as I was a teenager and not concerned with the how's. But he ended up buying out my mom's share of the house and moved back in after D was final. So check with your lawyer to see how it would impact things if you went to stay with family for a time. It is IMPERATIVE for your daughter that you get her away from that man!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Stay married. Divorce is life changing hell and will be horrible on your children, yourself, your husband, and your immediate and extended families. If everyone else sees him as a great man and a great father, it is likely that you have a distorted perception of him. Try to see the good in him.


Her daughter is CUTTING HERSELF due to this man, you cannot be serious! How SICK to suggest that she stay!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

ForTheKids said:


> Pretty sure that recording without consent is illegal.


It's illegal in the aspect that the courts won't admit it as evidence.

However,

If there is verbal/physical abuse, and you need to call the cops, it is better to have that "inadmissable" evidence so that the officers can review it. They listen/see it on your phone cam or VAR, and he's screwed.

If they remove him from the home, you now have your case for exclusive possession.

And you are right. He won't keep acting like an angel, especially when he sees that you are proceeding with D despite his good behavior. Tick, tick, tick.....


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Her daughter is CUTTING HERSELF due to this man, you cannot be serious! How SICK to suggest that she stay!


That's not what I got out of the post at all. I would say that it is sick to suggest that her daughter's cutting the result of the husband. Talk about a false allegation. Wow.

To the OP- if you want out of the marriage so badly, why not move out? Why do you think it's fair that you get to keep the house when you are the one who wants out of the marriage.


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## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

wilderness said:


> That's not what I got out of the post at all. I would say that it is sick to suggest that her daughter's cutting the result of the husband. Talk about a false allegation. Wow.
> 
> To the OP- if you want out of the marriage so badly, why not move out? Why do you think it's fair that you get to keep the house when you are the one who wants out of the marriage.


Actually - her cutting is primarily a result of her father's verbal abuse over the years resulting in her feeling like she is worthless. She gets mad and says - "I hate you dad" Dad - says "I well, I hate you too." Years of this - him retaliating to her like an adolescent. He has no control over his mouth. 

I said there were 2 incidents - that I WITNESSED. My daughter recounts a total of 4 incidents. There has only been 1 incident in the last 12 months. He knows he is on "watch" as my daugther goes to counseling once/week and I have told her nothing is a secret. she can talk about whatever she needs to. The counselor knows SBTX's issues and pretty much has her finger on the call button at all times. STBX has been warned that if there is another incident (since he isn't in counseling anymore) that she will be legally obligated to call CPS. So, yeah, he is minding his Ps & Qs. 

I can't leave. The house is 100% in my name. If I leave - he isn't legally or financially responsible to pay the mortgage. He doens't make enough money to pay the bills. If I move out I would have to pay for an apartment for me and kids AND pay all the bills at the house. Is that fair? And who knows what he would do to the house in the meantime - he can be vindictive. Another reason I didn't file 2 years ago - afraid of how he would drag the kids thru more hell. 

My goal, my only goal is PEACE for these kids.


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## ForTheKids (Oct 28, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yes, you are already in hell, and I am so sorry to read of your situation. (BTW, the ignore feature here is your friend!) Since you filed, I assume you have an attorney? Are you in contact with him/her about what your H is doing, as far as fighting you and not leaving? There MUST be a way to get law enforcement involved somehow to get him out of there.
> 
> GOD this thread triggers me back to my childhood and when my parents divorced! My dad pulled this same sh!t! AND he dragged me into the middle of it as well, and today, I have NOTHING to do with that man. This also reminds me, he did move into my grandparents' house after my mom filed, not sure how she got him out as I was a teenager and not concerned with the how's. But he ended up buying out my mom's share of the house and moved back in after D was final. So check with your lawyer to see how it would impact things if you went to stay with family for a time. It is IMPERATIVE for your daughter that you get her away from that man!


Awww - this is sad. I get so angry when I see how kids are treated by parents. Admittedly - my daughter's life has been "pretty good". You can always look around and think - this could be so much worse. But that still doesn't justify the treatment she has gotten from her dad. The thing - I know he loves her, in the only way he knows how. A very shallow, conditional love. You treat me nice and be good and I love you sort of way. it's all he knows. My heart breaks for my beautiful talented girl. She is amazing. But then I seethe inside to think that his careless words have broken her spirit. Have made her to feel worthless. 

Her entire life I have spoken words of LIFE over her - words that are meant to show how valuable she is. How very precious. She has an amazing relationship with my dad....her papa. She was the first grandchild and the only grandchild for 4 years. She is his princess. He spoiled her rotten with attention, not materially. My STBX was so jealous of that...jealous that my dad had a bond with her that he likely never would. My dad made time for her. LISTENED to her and built her up. I am so glad she has this bond with my dad since her dad is completely emotionally unavailable. 

I pray one day that this relationship will be healed. That my daughter will one day WANT her dad in her life and WANT to be around him. But before that can happen he has a lot of work to do on HIMSELF and then with his daughter. 13 years of destroying trust doesn't get rebuilt in a week. Or even a year. maybe not even 2 or 3. who knows. It's not too late for their relationship but I am done waiting around. He can work on their relationship OUTSIDE of our marriage. The conflict has to end. 

And quite frankly I think losing everything is the only thing that will snap him out of his self-centered, live like a bachelor attitude. I am just giving him the freedom he has been screaming for for years.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I am so sorry you and the kids are going through this. I know your pain. My now EX-H was verbally and emotionally abusive to me and the kids. He would scream at me that I was trying to kill him based on the groceries I brought home. He would yell at the kids that they were wrong and it never really mattered what they would say. It could be "Hey Dad, tomorrow is Wednesday" and he would literally start yelling "No it isn't, how could you be so stupid, You're no child of mine." I tried to tell myself it was his mental illness, and to an extent it was, but he refused treatment for the longest time. It leaves you few alternatives. Finally, I got him to go into treatment, only to find shortly before D-Day that he had been lying to his therapist. He didn't mean to tell me, but it came out. Then all his others lies came out. Honestly, he wasn't very good at lying, but I was a trusting sole who didn't understand why sometimes a spouse should check up on a spouse. He's gone now, but my biggest regret is that I let it go on for so long. I let him hurt our kids by not standing up and drawing my line i the sand sooner. I'm thankful the kids weren't more emotionally damages and I don't know what I would do if cutting was involved.
There appears little chance that he will get custody. So talk to your attorney about getting a temporary support order that includes exclusive possession of the marital home at least until the divorce is final. Threaten to have additional income imputed to him for purposes of establishing child support. The theory being that he is voluntarily under-employed and set child support at what ever level he is capable of being employed, not just what he makes at his part-time job. A few appearances in court and he might get the idea that you are serious and that the choices he makes in life always have consequences.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ForTheKids said:


> Pretty sure that recording without consent is illegal.


It depends on the state you live in. Some states are one party states and some are two party states.
One party recoding laws allow for legal recording of a conversation as long a one party in the conversation agrees to the recording. If you are doing the recording and you agree to the recording, it’s legal. The other person does not need to be told that they are being recorded. This goes for both in-person conversations and phone calls.

Two party recording laws allow for legal recording of conversations only if every person in the conversation agrees to the recording. This goes for both in-person conversations and phone calls.

In some two party states, exceptions are made when the recording is done for proof of domestic abuse and certain crimes. Checking with an attorney in these cases is always wise.




ForTheKids said:


> There was a time a while back when i went off my STBX for making me feel like an in adequate mom (I am anything BUT)...just another one of his bully tactics. And he recorded me with his phone. He said - thanks for that. I told my lawyer about it and he said - he could never use it for anything legal because it was obtained illegally - without my consent.
> 
> But yeah - I have been tempted to record (even recorded a few convos on my phone for my own peace of mind) a lot and even put a keylogger on his computer. But he has everything locked down so tight he would be sure to notice. And in the end - it would get me nothing. And it is illegal. And I wouldn't want him to do that to me.


Have you verified that you are in a two party state?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Her daughter is CUTTING HERSELF due to this man, you cannot be serious! How SICK to suggest that she stay!


It would be hard to prove that she is cutting herself because of her father. Easier to prove that the home environment is the problem.. this means that the strife between both parents is causing the daughter distress and mental break down.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ForTheKids said:


> Awww - this is sad. I get so angry when I see how kids are treated by parents. Admittedly - my daughter's life has been "pretty good". You can always look around and think - this could be so much worse. But that still doesn't justify the treatment she has gotten from her dad. The thing - I know he loves her, in the only way he knows how. A very shallow, conditional love. You treat me nice and be good and I love you sort of way. it's all he knows. My heart breaks for my beautiful talented girl. She is amazing. But then I seethe inside to think that his careless words have broken her spirit. Have made her to feel worthless.
> 
> Her entire life I have spoken words of LIFE over her - words that are meant to show how valuable she is. How very precious. She has an amazing relationship with my dad....her papa. She was the first grandchild and the only grandchild for 4 years. She is his princess. He spoiled her rotten with attention, not materially. My STBX was so jealous of that...jealous that my dad had a bond with her that he likely never would. My dad made time for her. LISTENED to her and built her up. I am so glad she has this bond with my dad since her dad is completely emotionally unavailable.
> 
> ...


Nothing is going to snap him out of this, this is who he is. Your daughter is old enough that I dont think a court would force her to spend time with her dad if she says that she doesnt want to. I think THAT could at least be the push he needs to be a better dad to her once you manage to divorce him. 

ETA... One of the happiest days of my life was when my parents' divorce was FINALLY finalized. I never spent a single night back under the roof of our house once he took possession and moved back in. I was 16, and their divorce took over 2 years. Dont try to force a relationship between them, let them work that out for themselves. Like I said, MAYBE, once your divorce is over, he can figure out a way to forge a relationship with her for a weekend here and there if nothing else. He will always be a selfish ass though, you can count on that much.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Sheesh, 4TK, so sorry you have to endure this.

When it comes to protecting the kids, do what you have to do and worry about the legalities later. 

I'd have VAR's and IP cams everywhere.

If things get physical, or it things deteriorate further, get out. 

To hell with mortgage, credit, etc. 

Protect the children.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

MissFroggie said:


> I agree but not the bit about getting out, unless it is for a night or two with friends or at a hotel. Taking care of finances is part of looking after the children's best interests and future stability, it is also their home and abandoning it when it is 100% yours would be rash. I'd get recordings etc and do everything you can to prove what is going on, if it gets really bad and you feel you need to get out, get him out instead. Call the police, if they do nothing call some friends who are willing to persuade him to go to a hotel himself! I called my ex's best friend and told him what was going on and he came over and got him to go with him for a couple of nights. He came back, but if he hadn't been on the lease too I'd have had those locks changed and his belongings boxed up!


If you have those resources yes. 

If you don't, and the children's safety is on the line, there is nothing in the world that would keep me in that house. 

More money can be made. Things can be done without. 

Abuse stays with you forever.


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

sounds a lot like me h. right now he is being good because I told him I was sick and tired of his bs. I know it wont last but the timing is not good for us. so I am just waiting for him to drop the act and he will in a few.....

maybe you should just wait. you already have things in motion. just sit on it. don't talk to him about anything you don't have to. sounds like the more you tell him it is over, the better he acts. so let him. if you stop telling him, he will start to think you were not serious. only threatening him... and his true colors will come thru.

at least that is what I am waiting for. I wish you luck. my d was doing some crazy stuff too. but she just wanted attention. you are doing it right, getting your d counseling (be careful there because I know some counselors will say it is ok to cut as long as they know it is not in a bad place to cut that will seriously hurt them), give her your attention. talk to her or better let her talk. don't stress about your h. just detach yourself from him and focus on the girl and your son. 

I know I don't have the best advise. but hopefully something I said can be helpful to you. I am working on my own drama here and I feel your pain.

good luck and God bless.


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## Finally_did_it! (Nov 26, 2013)

Hello ForTheKids, 

I had to create an ID specifically to reach out to you. Your story is almost identical to mine; I think the only differences are that you have 2 children and have been married a bit longer. 

I want to tell you - you can DO THIS! I know that feeling, that trapped feeling. I have no doubt that you are probably killing yourself worrying about your "babies", wanting to protect them and be their warrior mama. You have probably spent years shielding them from the worst of it (or so you thought).

I told my H that I wanted a divorce about 6 weeks ago. He almost instantly transformed into a different person. From years of anger, rage, verbal abuse, throwing things, breaking things into constant sobbing, begging pleading, "I'll do anything". 

I stood my ground - No! I am done! I must have said it 100, 1000 times. Over and over and over again, day after day. It only seemed to make him more determined. He started to call me at work daily, sobbing and pleading. He refused to leave the house. I met with an attorney. 

Yes - you can make him leave. As part of your filing documents; there is one that should address the housing issue. It will not be pretty, and basically will evict him, but it can be done. 

Also, given the age of your daughter, I believe she should legally be allowed to state which parent she wants to have custody. This should be detailed in your parenting plan. 

You may want to check with your attorney on both of these. 

With regard to "keeping the peace and making it amicable". Be real - is that another reason why you stuck it for so long? Afraid of what he might do? I know it was for me; have to let that go. Accept that it will probably never be peaceful. 

The only way I got H to leave was by agreeing to not file for divorce right away. He moved into an apt about a week ago. He is going to counseling but personally I think he has the counselor snowballed. He still gets weepy and tells me ILY all the time. Somehow he turned into a tea drinking, nature walk taking Mr. Rogers.


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