# An Introduction...



## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

My name is Chris, I live in AZ. I have been married for 6 years and have been with my wife for almost 9 years. I have a lot of problems, so let me begin by saying that we are separated...but we have to live together because of the financial situation we are in. Let me explain.

I lie, I have lied my whole life. I have hurt people, but I didn't care because I was feeling good with what I was doing. I was talking to women that weren't my wife/fiance and since it was just talking I didn't see it as cheating. I had a previous relationship before my wife that I just came to the realization that it made me bitter. She started seeing her ex husband behind my back while I was on vacation so when I got back she broke it off. I was blind sided and hurt. When I started dating my wife, I wasn't ready. But I wanted to be with someone, and she made me feel good so why not?

The cheating began about a month after I asked her to marry me. I asked for some picture of a girl who I had met on a car forum and she sent me naked pictures. I didn't think anything of it and didn't tell my wife because it was my business. There have been instances where I have invited girls out, talked to women (dozens) about inappropriate things through out my marriage. I also didn't think I could express my feelings or emotions with my wife because I was afraid. She was basiclly yelling at me to do so, and I ignored her.

The breaking point was 2 events. She wanted to text friend on my phone since she didn't have hers so I gave it to her and she scrolled through my texts and asked me who every one was, and then she started reading the texts and that was that. I don't know why I didn't erase them, I think I wanted to be caught. Maybe it was the thrill... I'm still not sure. But she wanted to leave right then and there. We talked, and we decided I would come clean about everything...and I almost did. I still held some things back...my biggest mistake ever when I had the chance. We were good for 2 weeks then a lie that I knew was out there came to light again. And not only did my wife make me move out of the house, but I ended up hurting 2 of my friends who will never speak to me again. 

There is so much more to story, and I will will reveal more as time goes on. She doesn't like me, she doesn't love me. I don't deserve it right now. She also doesn't believe anything I say is true because I have done this before...the whole lying, getting caught, saying I'll never do it again...then do it again. So there is nothing between us right now. I have found a local therapist, I have accepted God in to my life for the first time, and I'm continuously talking to my wife about things and how I feel. She doesn't care, but she does listen. 

I hope on this board that I can find people who have been though this, have suggestions or ideas on how to proceed. I know I have problems, I know that I change, though I didn't want to before. She is worth everything to me, and I will do anything to get her back. This is not some elabraote game that I have played before, this is something completely different, or at least to me it is. She's not any where close to even being friends with me, let alone be with me. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope to get some advice! Take Care!


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

No one has anything to say??


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'll bite.

First, good for you for acknowledging your faults. So many people cannot do this.

That said...

You heard that song tag, 'When a woman's fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it' ? Well that's your wife. You've pushed her to her limit. She cannot believe a word you say. So what can you do? Show her with your actions. Be the person you say you want to be and do it consistently. Don't do it for her, do it because you want to be a better man. Maybe she'll notice and maybe not. Maybe going through this made you better for the next one. 

You can want her back, but you can't force it to happen. You are on opposite sides of the street and it could take years to get through. It may never happen as well... at this point you need to drop your expectations and just be the guy you say you want to be.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Thank you for posting!

There is nothing more then I want then to be a better person. It's all I want, but then again I would be lying if I said I didn't want her back. She's all I think about...every day, every minute, every second.

I have a unique situation...we don't live separate, we work at the same law firm, we have family trips planned and friend outings. I have to see her and spend time with her. She doesn't care about me at all, she wanted me dead a few days ago but can barely stand being around me at this point. Everything is forced on her because she doesn't want to do it but she has to put on a happy face because our friends don't know. My dad know, and my mom will know on Sunday when she comes back from a trip...and the friends that I have wronged know as well but nothing to do with me at all and I don't think they ever will again. 

Everything I say...she doesn't believe...and I know why, it just hurts to think that I could be doing everything for nothing you know? I don't want to be good for the next one, I really wanted her to be my last one but I did everything to screw it up. I can change, and I know I'm on the right path...I just feel lost! So lost!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CChambers said:


> Thank you for posting!
> 
> There is nothing more then I want then to be a better person. It's all I want, but then again I would be lying if I said I didn't want her back. She's all I think about...every day, every minute, every second.
> 
> ...


Bet you won't take another for granted again, will you? This is the hell you create for yourself when you mistreat someone that loves you. 

All I can advise is for you to have patience. If she wanted you dead a few days ago, she's still angry and that's an emotion you can build from. When she becomes ambivalent you should worry that she's a lost cause.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Yeah, I wish I would have seen the light 10 years ago. I'm a f*ing idioit and I'm paying the ultimate price for it. 

The pain I feel won't go away, I live with it everyday and I don't know how I'm going to move forward if she doesn't come back.

I want to be better, and I focus on that everyday but in the back in my mind she is always there. Always...how can I stop being distracted and get down to business?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

CChambers said:


> Yeah, I wish I would have seen the light 10 years ago. I'm a f*ing idioit and I'm paying the ultimate price for it.
> 
> The pain I feel won't go away, I live with it everyday and I don't know how I'm going to move forward if she doesn't come back.
> 
> I want to be better, and I focus on that everyday but in the back in my mind she is always there. Always...how can I stop being distracted and get down to business?


Get busy.

Stay busy.

The more you occupy yourself with the better off you'll be. You made mistakes, it's done, you can't undo them. All you can do is wipe your slate clean and start over.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This is all pretty fresh to your W, family and friends. You can't expect them to believe anything you say this soon. You'll have to live as a better person for some time before they believe you've seen the error of your ways. Even then the outcome may not be what you want. That's pretty simple. Get yourself into IC for a start. Exercise will help your depression and get control of your emotions. 

Let me ask you why do you lie? What are you looking for? Recognition? Attention?


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

I've made an appointment with a therapist for 10 days from now, I have nothing until then except talking to my wife and talking here, which I hope helps. So far I'm not hearing anything I haven't thought about already but talking about it really does help me calm down a little.

I keep as busy as I can man, I work at my father's law firm during the day as a file clerk...with my wife who is a lawyer by the way. And at night I'm a professional musician. I play local bars, travel and such. My night are occupied...it's the days that kill me. I'm literally 6 feet away from my wife right now it hurts so much. Music gives me so much power and strength, I listen to it more when I'm upset because I find relief in the words. I barely do any work right now during the day, I just listen to music and try to heal.

I lie because of 2 reason I think. 1)I was an only child who was never scolded for not telling the truth. I walked on water with my parents and I never learned the idea of consequences for my actions. If I lied about something, and got away with it, why not continue? Then you lie to cover up lies, to cover up more lies and so on...2)I thought I was looking for something, but I wasn't. I do it cause I like the attention. Most of my problems are with talking to women behind my wife's back and lying about it. I told them things that I would never tell my wife because I was scared to. I know now that this was really really dumb. She was there for me in everything I did and I wasted it. It's mostly the attention thing now, but I'm so over it. The only attention I want now is from my wife.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. Betrayal is hard to forgive. Maybe after time your wife can learn to trust you and you can learn to trust being an upstanding husband. I have been through the lies and cheating so I can understand probably more how your wife would feel. Not saying in the least you can't change but it's not an overnight process and it will be hard to change.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You need to move out.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Can't move out, no money. Parents house isn't big enough for my stuff and musical gear. We don't sleep in the same room, we do nothing for each other on the day to day. But I can't move out. It sucks, but it has to be this way.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I can imagine your father is disappointed too. As for your friends, I hope it wasn't over their Ws or GFs....doesn't matter what you already said is bad enough. 

I can only tell you you need to suck it up and make reparations, as best you can and as they'll allow. Don't lie about it when questioned. Don't be clingy and don't beg her, it will make you look pathetic in her eyes. Don't discuss the relationship or the future, unless she brings it up. Then just STFU and listen. You did wrong and you're going to work on yourself to be a better person and hope someday your W and family will accept your changes. You need to do this for yourself, not for them. Do you understand that? This is your wake up call to become a man. 

BTW, The musician's job gives you too many temptations and keeps you away from a lot of quality time with a working wife. That's not good for a marriage, but you know that. You're working two jobs. Get one that allows better. 

If you're committed, read this.....many men find themselves lying and cheating for this reason. No More Mr Nice Guy

Here you can get some tough straight advice. There are plenty of fellows breaking free from the same behaviors as you. 
No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> I can imagine your father is disappointed too. As for your friends, I hope it wasn't over their Ws or GFs....doesn't matter what you already said is bad enough.
> 
> I can only tell you you need to suck it up and make reparations, as best you can and as they'll allow. Don't lie about it when questioned. Don't be clingy and don't beg her, it will make you look pathetic in her eyes. Don't discuss the relationship or the future, unless she brings it up. Then just STFU and listen. You did wrong and you're going to work on yourself to be a better person and hope someday your W and family will accept your changes. You need to do this for yourself, not for them. Do you understand that? *This is your wake up call to become a man.*
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Well today there are some interesting turn of events.

Regarding my dad, he talked to me last night. He said that I'm blood, that he loves my wife like a daughter but that if she wants to leave then she's out of a job. He will use the money that he pays her (remember we all work together) to make sure I'm taken care of. I was really shocked. I knew he would let her go if we actually end up divorcing but the coldness in his voice really caught me off guard. How is it fair that because I did some of the worst things ever, that my wife gets left on her ass with no job, and no prospect of a job?

I shared this info with my wife, because I'm not hiding anything any more. And she kind of knew it was coming, but she made a decision based on it. She's not divorcing me. She is actually going to try to like me again, against her will. We are going out tonight for dancing and drinks to one of my shows that happens to be on this side of town and she is joining my family for prime rib tomorrow. I know she hates me, doesn't want to be around me...but she is forcing herself to do so. I'm going to change my plans to be better now that I know she isn't leaving...but it still feels fake you know?

I wanted to work hard, earn back her trust, and we would build something together that could be great. If I failed, I failed but at least I tried. I don't really know what to think of things right now...has anyone else had experience with something similar?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You still need to "make yourself a better man" or she will have less respect for you, further down the line. You need to make yourself an independent man. Someone a wife, and someday children can look to and feel love for. She knows your Dad pulls the strings. You need to break free from your parents enabling. This doesn't mean you don't love them. It means you can stand on your own faults and accomplishments. That's what a woman wants. You know what to do. You should have let him know you wouldn't accept his plan 

Get into IC, then MC with your wife. Have you started reading NMMNG?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You aren't off the hook yet. Remember changing yourself is about YOU and not her. Do it anyway. Fix yourself. If she comes around because of the new improved you, then that's a bonus.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

There was a screw up in my post...I'm NOT going to change my plans to get better and work on my self...kind of makes a difference right?


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

Anchor...I downloaded it to my phone but no I haven't started reading it yet. I will split my time between that and the bible when I get a few extra minutes. Weekends are very busy for me being a musician but I will read it, the intro I read when it downloaded and it sounds very interesting...thank you for the suggestion!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Well, apparently if nothing else, you've now learned where your father stands on all this. So - until you and the wife figure out what is going on, I'd recommend refraining on telling him anything else, before he follows through on his threat and fires her.


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## CChambers (Jul 11, 2013)

I had to talk to someone about what was going on...and he brought up all the firing stuff on his own though my wife and I both figured it would happen. I don't want him to fire her for any reason. She had worked hard at her schooling and everything else...she deserves this job.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

CChambers said:


> I had to talk to someone about what was going on...and he brought up all the firing stuff on his own though my wife and I both figured it would happen. I don't want him to fire her for any reason. She had worked hard at her schooling and everything else...she deserves this job.


There will come a time you and your wife will have to start a dialogue about becoming independent of your dad.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I see why you maybe are what you became...I am talking about your father. Sounds like he hasn't ever made you pay the consequences of your actions. Fire your wife, why because he is enabling his son? I would keep your father out of your marriage. I know I have to draw lines when it comes to my parents and MY life. Being supportive is one thing and helping you remain a liar is another. I don't mean to sound harsh but grow up and become an upstanding human and spouse. Good luck on this learning experience, if you can get there it will be rewarding.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Here is my take.

The H is still a child. He is a musician but most likely not good enough to earn a living at it. Otherwise why would he be working as a file clerk for his father?

The reason he is working for his father is most likely he could not keep a day job with anyone else. He is probably too tired from his life as a musician.

I cannot see why the wife, a lawyer, would stay married to a file clerk. So she probably thought she was marrying an up and coming musician. 

I also believe she did not understand the family dynamics. She married a man-child whose parents are happy to keep him that way. I have seen this before and it isn't pretty. 

Oh, by the way, CChambers, is you father slipping you extra cash to live on?

So this is what I think will happen. Wife will start putting cash away. She will polish up her resume and start looking for another job. She knows when push comes to shove, she will be the person who gets shoved.

And once she gets that job, she is going to go to your father and resign her position with the family law firm. Given the family dynamics, I wouldn't be surprised if she isn't immediately shown the door. (This is not usual in law firms.) Then she will immediately tell you of her new job and say she is going to leave by herself.

I hope I am wrong, but I truly believe it will play out this way.

WWHT


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I agree with WWHT, your wife didn't suddenly have a change of heart, she's getting her ducks in a row to get the hell out of there.
I can't imagine having to find out that your husband has been repeatedly lying & cheating on you for years AND then have your FIL threaten to fire you if you leave his son.
Wow, talk about being in a crappy situation.
Yep, dollars to donuts, she's planning her escape & I wouldn't be surprised if I were you when she's gone.


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