# Looking for success stories, recovering from near-failing marriage?



## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

I'm here searching for some hope... in a nutshell, I haven't been attracted to my husband in about a year, maybe more. I feel less and less connected to him at all, and I've found myself questioning what we even have in common or to talk about... I'm pretty scared. Sorry if this gets long...

First of all, I suffer from pretty serious depression. I've started therapy for it but it's not an easy process and my therapist think it's going to take a long time, and we're still trying to find a medication that works. So I'm hoping that most of my problem is related to my depression, but I just don't know.

At this point... I can be civil to my husband, "friendly," but our relationship is either fighting/bickering or at best "amiable", for lack of a better term. I tried to figure out the best way to define how I feel about him, and it's almost like a roommate, but more like a work acquaintance. Most of the time we're friendly, have mostly small talk and casual conversation, get along okay, but that's generally the extent of it.

As far as sex, it completely grosses me out. I don't find my husband attractive at all, but there's no specific reason for that (he hasn't changed his appearance or hygiene, gotten fat, etc.), but then I don't feel anything sexual for anyone or anything else, either. The whole idea of sex is unsettling to me, which I hope is a good sign (meaning it's me, and not just him). This has really become an aversion for me, my associations with sex are so negative now that it's really hard to do. I try to "help" my husband whenever I can, but of course he misses the desire and intimacy. And I've always had a very healthy sex life; my reactions are like someone who's suffered past abuse, but I've never gone through anything like that.

But more than just the physical part, I've found myself asking what I even like (or ever liked) about him. He's a great guy, a very loving husband and wonderful father to our 1 year old, but we can't even talk anymore... sometimes I'll have intelligent/stimulation conversations with people at work and find myself thinking how sad it is I could never talk to my husband like that. 

But we were happy for a relatively long time... we've been together for almost 5 years (married almost 3) and for about 4 of those years, we were happy. We have a one year old and certainly that's around when things started to go downhill, so I'm sure stress/postpartum depression factor in. But surely if I was happy for that long before that, there must be some foundation of this relationship? 

I don't WANT to get a divorce... that would be devastating, I don't want to be alone and I have no desire to be with anyone else, but maybe that's just fear of change. But I DO want desperately to fix this... I'm hoping so badly it's just the depression and some general marital issues that can be worked through. So I'm looking for hope, hoping someone has come back from feeling absolutely nothing, to getting some of the feeling back?

This will sound really bizarre, I'm sure... I was watching a show set in medieval times or something, where it's really common that marriages were arranged, based on convenience, etc., and generally neither party expected "love"; where it was normal for the couple to be friendly towards each other, but saw their union as more of a business arrangement in order to run a household, raise children, etc. "Good" marriages would probably have mutual respect, but love would be rare and accidental. I found myself wishing I lived in those times... where I could just have a "coparent", focus on my children, give my husband the sex he requires without expectation of lots of intimacy, and a friendly, respectful relationship. That's NOT NORMAL, RIGHT??!? I should WANT love and intimacy, right?? Logically, I want those things... I know it's healthy to want those things, so it worries me that I don't "yearn" for those things. I guess I see it as hopeful that I don't want to seek them elsewhere... I don't FEEL like seeking them at all. 

I'm working on my depression, and I'm trying to get us into therapy... but it takes so much time. Meanwhile I guess I'm just looking for any support and maybe some hope or success stories, I want so badly to believe I can get this marriage back on track... I'm so afraid of where we could be headed


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Have you told him how you feel about your marriage and sex?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

What exactly are the arguments over? Anything that causes resentment?

Sounds to me like he has become a little complacent in the marriage and isn't doing much to keep things spicy for your relationship.

Because of your depression, you may have low levels of hormones.

Get him this book and have him read it...The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 | MMSL Primer | By Athol Kay | Married Man Sex Life
If he hasn't changed physically, then this will change him mentally and you'll get your hubby back.

I'd recommend getting your testosterone checked, my wife was low and the shots have helped her tremendously.

My situation isn't exactly like yours, but somewhat similar. I've read the MMSL and applied using the MAP...my wife now has no complaints...at least that is what she tells me.

She is in counseling...I went one time so the counselor had a better perspective of our relationship, that way it wasn't all one sided from my wife. Between the hormone therapy and counseling, we've made some significant progress we both can see and appreciate.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

It is easy to get the "roommate" type situation. While dating a lot of effort is put into putting our best foot forward. After time, routines, stress and such can become the focus. I have found that making the extra effort to connect on a small level can have a big impact. I can tell you there was a time when my H and I would be in the same room but we weren't connecting at all. We may have been talking to each other, but it wasn't really focused. By focused I mean, really being in the moment, looking the person in the eye, engaging fully in the conversation. There were many times that we would have a conversation and kids and other things were a distraction. I didn't even realize how much of my attention was being drawn away until I really made a conscious effort to be 100% in tune with the moment.

Instead of one of us sitting on the couch and the other in a recliner, we now make a point of sitting next to each other. We touch each other, putting an arm around the other, or hand on their leg or drape my leg over his, type touching. It being a connection that I didn't even realize was missing until it was there again.

Depression is a challenge. Drugs for depression often diminish the sexual aspect of your life. My daughter was diagnosed with major depression (at a score of 20 they start treatment and she was a 37, way over what they wanted) and she has had a lot of success with adding vitamin B to her daily routine. Her moods have mellowed and she is much happier in her daily life. (she still hasn't taken the drug they want her to due to concerns about the side effects)


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

There is hope. In every marriage there are highs and lows. It's normal. You are just as responsible for spicing things up as he is. You may have to do nice things that you don't really feel like doing to get that feeling back. Make date plans for the two of you. Or set up an arrangement where you plan this one and he plans the next. Put the effort in whether you feel like it or not and the feelings may resurface. Also if you take the first steps, he's likely to follow suit


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Virtually all marital problems are the same problem. Depression is not the cuase of your marital problem, it is the result of your marital problem. And that problem is: you are not getting your emotional needs met. And without this, you cannot feel loved. And guess what? He is not getting his emotional needs met. And without this, he cannot feel loved. Thus your marriage is not functioning. No one feels loved, happy or fulfilled.

Have you heard the expression that Love is a verb and not a feeling? That refers to the fact that a maritial partner must do actions to meet the emotional needs of the other partner. And by doing that, on purpose, you are "loving" your man. And in turn, he receives this love, and in return he does actions to meet your emotional needs... HE is "loving" his woman... And the result of his Love (actions) are the feelings you have that you are loved.

Meeting his needs and ensuring your needs are met is the most important thing you can do in your life. It is more important than your job, your extended family, and even your child... Shocking I know, but the child needs to be raised in a loving marriage above all other things.... The loving marriage you create is what provides your child his emotional needs. The acts of love you do, for your husband, are ultimately what give you fulfillment as a person... fueled by the love you receive.

The main mistake people make is that your needs are obvious to you... So you think he should just meet them. And his needs are obvious to him, so he thinks you should just meet them. He tries to meet your needs with things he knows HE likes... And you try to meet his needs by doing things you know YOU like... And thus no one is happy... A great marital books is called The Five Love Languages which can explain all of this to you. Best of luck to you.


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Have you told him how you feel about your marriage and sex?


Oh yes. We've talked about it a lot, although sometimes I don't know how much good it's done. He TRIES, and I know his intentions are good, but he still tends to say/do things that make me feel worse, despite repeatedly requesting he not... I think this will take some counseling to get around. I haven't expressed my feelings quite as bluntly as I have here, but he knows the general issues.




> You may have to do nice things that you don't really feel like doing to get that feeling back.


I wanted to try this... "don't really feel like doing" is certainly right, though :-/



> We touch each other, putting an arm around the other, or hand on their leg or drape my leg over his, type touching


I've done this, he's done this... he's very affectionate. But frankly, this just makes me cringe. And somewhat unconsciously, I probably think of sex and get more turned off.



> What exactly are the arguments over? Anything that causes resentment?
> 
> Sounds to me like he has become a little complacent in the marriage and isn't doing much to keep things spicy for your relationship.


It's hard to even say... so many little things that get repeated over and over. We rarely truly fight, because he's extremely non-confrontational (he'll literally just walk away) and will do virtually anything to end a tense discussion. Which we've talked about but it never improves.

I don't know if I'd say he's complacent... he's constantly trying to help, or maybe constantly wishing/complaining it would be different. Yes, he could definitely do more productive things. The way he handles my issues is a big part of the problem; but it's just another thing he tries hard to do, but despite me telling him how he can help, he doesn't really get it.

Hicks...everything you say makes perfect sense, and I've read the Five Love Languages; maybe I'm not "doing" it right, but basically he needs physical affection, that's very clear. But it's very difficult for me to give it, and when I am able to, he knows that my heart isn't in it, and I think he misses the intimacy more than the physical part. And as for me... I honestly don't know what my needs are. Right now I usually just want to be left alone 

I *would* like to make him happier... that would be a relief because I'm constantly reminded that he's suffering and disappointed and hurt by the situation. I know the value of "successfully" loving someone, to know my efforts are received and appreciated... but I just don't know how to do that, I guess I feel like I'm not capable of giving him what he needs, and he is unable or unwilling to really support that... not intentionally, but it's just the situation.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I've been seriously depressed. It is EXHAUSTING trying to maintain a relationship with your spouse. I think once you get your depression under control your marriage will improve.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Has he read The Five Love Languages?
Another good read is His Needs, Her Needs...here is a cliff notes version of the book. http://www.howmarriageworks.com/
It is very repetitive, understandably why...it would be good for both of you to read this.



> We rarely truly fight, because he's extremely non-confrontational (he'll literally just walk away) and will do virtually anything to end a tense discussion. Which we've talked about but it never improves.


I think you may have resentment due to the fact he does not seem to want to resolve differences and just walks away from the problem. 



> The way he handles my issues is a big part of the problem


Are you looking for him to better understand your issues and not just throw a solution at you? That was something I finally realized with my wife...she was seeking compassion from me rather than a fix.
I just figured if I could fix her problems then all would be well. Oh, how wrong I was...


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Pinacle,
I'm very sorry for what you are going through. In addition to the depression, I could sense a trace of despair in your "voice". Don't despair. It sounds like this is not any sort of abusive relationship and you both _want_ things to improve, you just don't know how. To me that, is a big step in progress. Couple of questions:
What was your relationship like early on? Were you madly in love and couldn't get enough of him or have you always been cool in the passion department?
Have you always cringed at sex? When you do have sex, do you orgasm? Are you getting physically fulfilled?
Did you ever have a solid emotional connection with your husband?


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> What was your relationship like early on? Were you madly in love and couldn't get enough of him or have you always been cool in the passion department?
> Have you always cringed at sex? When you do have sex, do you orgasm? Are you getting physically fulfilled?
> Did you ever have a solid emotional connection with your husband?


Our relationship was originally very good; I felt like we were best friends, very close, and had a very healthy sex life. Pretty similar libidos and we liked the same things; and yeah I wouldn't describe me as "cool" sexually until recently! In fact I had a pretty high libido and was fairly adventurous. I've almost never had an orgasm during intercourse (without the help of a vibrator), but I can have one easily enough other ways and he's very good at doing that. Oddly enough, I've even gone through some "phases" in the last few months where I actually WOULD get a random, purely physical urge; in those cases I was turned on by quick, dirty sex and had almost instant orgasms, but at the same time I could barely look at my husband during... and as soon as I had an orgasm, I was completely grossed out again. So 95% of the time, recently, I don't feel like I HAVE any physical needs. 

The only physical "need" I could say is lacking is maybe (big maybe) some kind of touching that's not sexual. I've tried to get my husband to understand this but he never gets it. He almost never touches me in a non-sexual way. If he hugs me, he gropes my butt. If he "holds" me at night, he grinds against me, etc.; I'm afraid to bend over to pick something up around him because I know he'll grab my butt. If I'm getting in or out of the shower, he's usually there watching me dress or undress. Although I never thought I'd be one to be bothered by this, I guess I feel objectified! It's creepy and immature to me.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Have you read the groping thread in this section? http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/64617-dumb-question-about-groping.html
It may give you a bit of insight...


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Pinacle47 said:


> Our relationship was originally very good; I felt like we were best friends, very close, and had a very healthy sex life. Pretty similar libidos and we liked the same things; and yeah I wouldn't describe me as "cool" sexually until recently! In fact I had a pretty high libido and was fairly adventurous. I've almost never had an orgasm during intercourse (without the help of a vibrator), but I can have one easily enough other ways and he's very good at doing that. Oddly enough, I've even gone through some "phases" in the last few months where I actually WOULD get a random, purely physical urge; in those cases I was turned on by quick, dirty sex and had almost instant orgasms, but at the same time I could barely look at my husband during... and as soon as I had an orgasm, I was completely grossed out again. So 95% of the time, recently, I don't feel like I HAVE any physical needs.
> 
> The only physical "need" I could say is lacking is maybe (big maybe) some kind of touching that's not sexual. I've tried to get my husband to understand this but he never gets it. He almost never touches me in a non-sexual way. If he hugs me, he gropes my butt. If he "holds" me at night, he grinds against me, etc.; I'm afraid to bend over to pick something up around him because I know he'll grab my butt. If I'm getting in or out of the shower, he's usually there watching me dress or undress. Although I never thought I'd be one to be bothered by this, I guess I feel objectified! It's creepy and immature to me.


Since you used to have a fairly high libido and were adventurous, then obviously you haven't always felt the way you have felt now. Because of the distinctiveness of the change, I am thinking that this is more related to a hormonal/physical condition more than a psychological/mental condition. Although, a physical problem can definitely play havoc with your psyche. You may have mentioned this in an earlier post and forgive me if I am repeating but have you seen a doctor and been tested for hormone imbalance?


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Since you used to have a fairly high libido and were adventurous, then obviously you haven't always felt the way you have felt now. Because of the distinctiveness of the change, I am thinking that this is more related to a hormonal/physical condition more than a psychological/mental condition. Although, a physical problem can definitely play havoc with your psyche. You may have mentioned this in an earlier post and forgive me if I am repeating but have you seen a doctor and been tested for hormone imbalance?


Our sex life/passion certainly cooled off a bit over time, which seems perfectly normal to me (although my husband can't seem to grasp that concept, thinking there must be something wrong because we're not having as much sex as the first few months). I've always struggled with depression, that was probably mitigated somewhat by the "highs" of the relationship for a while, but our sex life really trailed off towards the end of my pregnancy and very much so about 4 months postpartum, which is when my depression got significantly worse. So I don't know... it seems like a feedback loop, it may have been hormonal in the beginning, but our relationship suffering makes me feel worse, his reaction to it make it worse, etc.

As far as hormone testing, can you be more specific? I mentioned that specifically to my doctor (that I was concerned about my depression AND libido), and while she never directly discussed it with me, she ordered some blood tests, but I think it was just the standard blood panel, plus thyroid, iron, vitamin D, etc.; everything was normal. Are they any other specific tests I could ask about?


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Possibly get your adrenal levels tested. Adrenal fatigue can cause depression. 
As far as hormone testing...On the lab request form, it had Estrogen and Testosterone checked. My wife was low on both. Since the shots, she has been very responsive to my touch and now she is beating me to the big O.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Pinacle47 said:


> Our sex life/passion certainly cooled off a bit over time, which seems perfectly normal to me (although my husband can't seem to grasp that concept, thinking there must be something wrong because we're not having as much sex as the first few months). I've always struggled with depression, that was probably mitigated somewhat by the "highs" of the relationship for a while, but our sex life really trailed off towards the end of my pregnancy and very much so about 4 months postpartum, which is when my depression got significantly worse. So I don't know... it seems like a feedback loop, it may have been hormonal in the beginning, but our relationship suffering makes me feel worse, his reaction to it make it worse, etc.
> 
> As far as hormone testing, can you be more specific? I mentioned that specifically to my doctor (that I was concerned about my depression AND libido), and while she never directly discussed it with me, she ordered some blood tests, but I think it was just the standard blood panel, plus thyroid, iron, vitamin D, etc.; everything was normal. Are they any other specific tests I could ask about?


I'm not a physician but I think Indy has hit on something with estrogen and testosterone. Testosterone is a driver of libido (for both men and women). Also, its good that you were able to speak to your doctor about your lack of libido, but this might not be an area where your doctor is comfortable in providing treatment. You might need to shop around for a physician that has a proven track record of helping. Use friends and other recommendations and the internet for a search.

I also don't want to discount your depression. Obviously, it's playing a large role in your situation. It sounds like you have had trouble in getting a handle on its effects on you. Are you on medication now? Do you think there is more you can do with your doctor to help get it under control?

You're also right about the feedback loop. It's a vicious circle that has to be broken.


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

I guess I can ask about estrogen/testosterone testing; I understand how those affect women in theory, but is there really a treatment? It just seems like women's libido has been a "health" issue for a long time that they haven't been able to treat as they can with men and Viagra, etc. (suggesting what a lot of women already know, that it's not a physical/biological problem as much as a mental one). I've heard of anecdotal evidence of viagra helping some women, so maybe there is some "off label" treatment for testosterone in women? Obviously hormones play a part for me... post partum there are just so many changes! But again, seems like hormonal therapy for women is only something considered during menopause, etc., not for "smaller" issues like this... I asked my previous doctor not long after the birth of my child about trying a different kind of birth control pill with a better combo of hormones; she gave me a different one to try, but she said she doubted it would help. So I don't really know what to think... if it IS hormones, is there anything that can be done??

And yes I'm working with a psychiatrist... I've been on and off different antidepressants for years with varying levels of success, but I've been more aggressive lately (since it's so much worse) about finding the right medication. As most people know, it's a lengthy process...you usually have to give them 4-8 weeks to see if they work. I just tried Prozac (I think the 6th or 7th AD I've tried), which was a spectacular failure. I'm starting to taper off of it today, but it may be a few weeks before I can even start something else :-/


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## fin (Jan 13, 2013)

I became depressed after my Mum died, at the worst of my time I saw my husband as a brother, so you can imagine having sex with him felt incestuous. It wasn't his fault! I was depressed it drains your libido to nothing and it feels like it will never come back.

This will sound really silly, try it anyway. Belly laugh, just sit in your chair right now in front of the computer and laugh Ha Ha Ha deep in your belly, you'll feel totally stupid but your brain can't tell that its not real and it will make it real. Suddenly you'll be laughing for real. 

Our brains believe anything we tell them, even if its not true in this moment, it will make it real, if it works for the ugly things, I'm to fat, to ugly, boring etc it has to work on the flip side for I'm sexy, hot and happy.

My husband and I went to Bali for 10 days, we rarely left the side of the pool or the hotel. We didn't have much sex in the first few days, it took us both about 3 days just to relax, we read, slept and talked. At first it was chit chat, I wonder how the kids are doing? Isn't this idyllic etc. Reminiscing was next, remember that time we dah de dahed at that party, **** you were hot that night, I know I didn't tell you at the time but you were so sexy when you were dancing on the coffee table ha ha ha. You get the picture, it was a start, it didn't solve anything it just made me remember I was alive, and that I could still feel attracted to this man who I happen to sleep beside.

I tried conventional therapy, it didn't work. It just made me feel that it was all incredibly hard (fast fooder), there are no quick fixes etc. 
I did a weekend workshop with my husband, called a freefall weekend. Sally Anderson is incredible she is one of the most compelling, honest (brutally at times) loving, women I have ever met. She helped me confront myself, my motivations and to live honestly and integrously. It was a start, Sally sent me to a healer. Lucille taught me to meditate and to believe in a higher power which allowed me to let go of my bitterness and hurt and come to the realisation that the awful things that had happened to me throughout my life, being born with club feet, my father having an affair with my best friend when I was 16, my mum dying, a car accident that I am still recovering from after 10 years, an amputation. These things are opportunities for growth and discovery about myself. My incredible strength, my ability to be able to function when I am in terrible pain (sometimes emotionally, most of my life physically), I am a survivor now I am no longer a victim. That shift in the way I think allows me to be an amazing sexy wife, a warm and present mother, and a great friend, sister, daughter and granddaughter. My husband has been on his journey, we did it together but for ourselves first then for our marriage.
My life has changed because I was ready and open to it. 

You have taken the first step in rejoining your life, you have reached out. Keep reaching out, find your laugh even when you don't feel like it, it lifts your spirits. Try reading a passionate marriage by Dr. David Schnarch. Its about growing yourself with honesty and integrity so you can bring the best you to your partner, life, marriage and children.
You're doing great. You are clearly very strong, the fact that you are functioning so well, depressed, speaks volumes about the woman you are. Good luck and best wishes for a new year. 

Oh try to do something silly once a day, play peekaboo with your baby, or some other pure nonsense just for joy thing. My kids are grown up now so no more peekaboo till they gift me with grandchildren, I sing in the car, belly laugh for my daughter who still loves me doing it, dance to a favourite song in my lounge with the volume blasting. Just something little and silly to remind me to seek joy and happiness.


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