# On the fence



## cwashi04

I have been married for 12 years this year. While dating my husband, I had experienced catty and passive aggressive behavior from his brother's wife. She is the type that everyone is afraid of thus she has full control and I'm over it. I talked to him and even his Mom but he never addressed it and forced them on me. I conformed for the sake of peace, my mistake. After dealing with life changing events, I blew up because I felt unheard and lost control. He showed that he was a fine with making me look like the bad guy while he threw me under the bus all because he was concerned about his relationship with his brother and nieces and nephews. I thought abt leaving several times because that was a huge character issue for me but at the time, I was to weak to leave. We have since moved passed it BUT I really don't care to be around his family. I also feel like if I choose to keep my distance that we might as well start preparing for divorce because family is important but I did my part by trying to let him know how I felt but he didn't honor my feelings. His mom is planning a trip for her Dad's bday and wants us all to go but I am highly uncomfortable around his family now. I've been praying for guidance in this situation because there is no resolve for me whatsoever. I am open to opinions about how to approach this trip situation. I have since deleted his brother and mother from my social media because even being nice to my BIL triggers his wife to start poking at me passive aggressively and I was tired of posting memes that confirm how they have all made me feel. I'm not mad at anyone but now it's very awkward but I had to protect my peace.


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## SunCMars

Politely, beg off. 

You married your husband, not his family. 

Let your husband fumble for excuses as to why, you are not there.


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## lifeistooshort

Yeah....my ex was like that. I got thrown under the bus many times to placate his ex wife and snotty grown daughter.

Just one of many reasons I left him.


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## FlaviusMaximus

Family is always important - to a point. Once you get married your spouse is front and center. You don't want to deal with this circus, don't.
Your husband may have a tough time making the transition from his family to you in terms of importance but it's essentially the same as transitioning from a boy to a man. In terms of his family relationships and their place in his life, he is still a child. Refuse to go, tell him exactly why and let him deal with it. A man would hear you out and tell his family to go pound sand. Realistically, he is the one who has the best chance of putting them in their place. Put some pressure on him to do that.


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## GC1234

cwashi04 said:


> I have been married for 12 years this year. While dating my husband, I had experienced catty and passive aggressive behavior from his brother's wife. She is the type that everyone is afraid of thus she has full control and I'm over it. I talked to him and even his Mom but he never addressed it and forced them on me. I conformed for the sake of peace, my mistake. After dealing with life changing events, I blew up because I felt unheard and lost control. He showed that he was a fine with making me look like the bad guy while he threw me under the bus all because he was concerned about his relationship with his brother and nieces and nephews. I thought abt leaving several times because that was a huge character issue for me but at the time, I was to weak to leave. We have since moved passed it BUT I really don't care to be around his family. I also feel like if I choose to keep my distance that we might as well start preparing for divorce because family is important but I did my part by trying to let him know how I felt but he didn't honor my feelings. His mom is planning a trip for her Dad's bday and wants us all to go but I am highly uncomfortable around his family now. I've been praying for guidance in this situation because there is no resolve for me whatsoever. I am open to opinions about how to approach this trip situation. I have since deleted his brother and mother from my social media because even being nice to my BIL triggers his wife to start poking at me passive aggressively and I was tired of posting memes that confirm how they have all made me feel. I'm not mad at anyone but now it's very awkward but I had to protect my peace.


I literally feel your pain, I'm in the same situation. My husband and I still struggle with this, but maybe what I've done will help you. You're going to need boundaries, strong ones, and not the most comfortable thing to implement (and will probably generate your husband's resentment unfortunately).
1. I have no relationship with my sister in law other than hello and goodbye (not friends with her on social media either). We don't talk at all, only if she asks a question, I give one word answers.
2. I won't do anything with them unless it's a birthday or a holiday. I won't go on vacations with them, or any outing that she plans. I want no part of anything she plans. If it's neutral territory, then that's different.
3. My husband communicates and deals with his family now only, I don't really anymore, especially regarding any events/parties/holidays, etc.
4. If I HAVE to be around her, I keep super busy and try not to dwell in the same area she is in (I keep an eye on my kids, I talk to anyone else), so as to avoid any of her passive aggressive behavior.

If I were you, I would go to the birthday. If she bothers you or makes a snide comment, literally say nothing at all, or say "Ok" and walk away calmly. Do not engage or entertain them (this will take LOTS of practice). I wonder, does your sister in law abuse you in front of others? Are they aware of what she does? Has your husband seen it?

Finally, perhaps it's a good idea to not honor your husband's feelings from time to time. Sometimes they need a taste of their own medicine.


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## cwashi04

GC1234 said:


> I literally feel your pain, I'm in the same situation. My husband and I still struggle with this, but maybe what I've done will help you. You're going to need boundaries, strong ones, and not the most comfortable thing to implement (and will probably generate your husband's resentment unfortunately).
> 1. I have no relationship with my sister in law other than hello and goodbye (not friends with her on social media either). We don't talk at all, only if she asks a question, I give one word answers.
> 2. I won't do anything with them unless it's a birthday or a holiday. I won't go on vacations with them, or any outing that she plans. I want no part of anything she plans. If it's neutral territory, then that's different.
> 3. My husband communicates and deals with his family now only, I don't really anymore, especially regarding any events/parties/holidays, etc.
> 4. If I HAVE to be around her, I keep super busy and try not to dwell in the same area she is in (I keep an eye on my kids, I talk to anyone else), so as to avoid any of her passive aggressive behavior.
> 
> If I were you, I would go to the birthday. If she bothers you or makes a snide comment, literally say nothing at all, or say "Ok" and walk away calmly. Do not engage or entertain them (this will take LOTS of practice). I wonder, does your sister in law abuse you in front of others? Are they aware of what she does? Has your husband seen it?
> 
> Finally, perhaps it's a good idea to not honor your husband's feelings from time to time. Sometimes they need a taste of their own medicine.


They will say that they know how she is a even talk about her with me but then turn around and say that I'm making this up in my head because they've never seen it with me. I could come around more if my husband even tried to understand how I felt but the fact that I have to sit there while everyone tries to act like nothing is wrong upsets me.


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## GC1234

cwashi04 said:


> They will say that they know how she is a even talk about her with me but then turn around and say that I'm making this up in my head because they've never seen it with me. I could come around more if my husband even tried to understand how I felt but the fact that I have to sit there while everyone tries to act like nothing is wrong upsets me.


Yeah I hear you. I am in the same boat. But it might be that in their mind, they're keeping the peace, but at your expense. Not saying it's right, but it's how they think. My husband and his fam are the same. It's ridiculous. I am working on this, maybe you can too, but: try not to look for/ask for their validation...YOU know what she's doing. YOU know that she's not normal. You don't have to justify your thoughts or feelings to anyone. It's truly THEIR loss if they choose to be blind, and it really is a choice. Don't give any more energy to convincing them of what you already know to be true. And BTW, if they DON'T believe you, they're really not your people anyway. They're not loyal to you, they're not for you.


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## cwashi04

GC1234 said:


> Yeah I hear you. I am in the same boat. But it might be that in their mind, they're keeping the peace, but at your expense. Not saying it's right, but it's how they think. My husband and his fam are the same. It's ridiculous. I am working on this, maybe you can too, but: try not to look for/ask for their validation...YOU know what she's doing. YOU know that she's not normal. You don't have to justify your thoughts or feelings to anyone. It's truly THEIR loss if they choose to be blind, and it really is a choice. Don't give any more energy to convincing them of what you already know to be true. And BTW, if they DON'T believe you, they're really not your people anyway. They're not loyal to you, they're not for you.


That's exactly how I feel and that's why I choose to keep my distance. I'm not mad at anyone, I understand everyone's position but my husband really dropped the ball. That's why I removed them all on social media and have decided to distance myself because I am tired of trying to explain my position to people committed to not understanding how I feel. They want to to come around, then when I do and there's drama, they're mad at how I handled it. If I don't come around, they'll say that they want me around and it's not the same if I'm not there. Well they can't have it both ways. I'm no longer affected by her so if she does poke at me, I won't respond in my usual way so there will be peace coming from me but I don't feel like I should continuously put myself in a position to have to endure that.


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## GC1234

cwashi04 said:


> That's exactly how I feel and that's why I choose to keep my distance. I'm not mad at anyone, I understand everyone's position but my husband really dropped the ball. That's why I removed them all on social media and have decided to distance myself because I am tired of trying to explain my position to people committed to not understanding how I feel. They want to to come around, then when I do and there's drama, they're mad at how I handled it. If I don't come around, they'll say that they want me around and it's not the same if I'm not there. Well they can't have it both ways. I'm no longer affected by her so if she does poke at me, I won't respond in my usual way so there will be peace coming from me but I don't feel like I should continuously put myself in a position to have to endure that.


Yeah, you and I have the exact same scenario, to a tee. They have no right to say/question how you handle things, especially if they won't help with it. It's up to you to avoid her completely, but I don't think your husband will go for that. Mine wouldn't allow it! So that's why I agreed to low contact. He hates me for it sometimes, but at the end of the day, it's not me, I didn't cause it. Neither did you. See if you can get him to agree to low contact. If he is decent about you not going, then continue to not go. What do you care what anyone (his fam) thinks anyway?


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