# How do you let go of past hurts?



## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

I felt great pain at being emotionally abandoned during pregnancy. 
Let me give you some background. My husband is not a communicator. We didn’t talk about whether we would have children until he asked me to marry him. I know it wasn’t good timing but when he asked me to marrying him; I asked him if we could have children. I wanted at least two. I said I wanted two. He agreed. He did tell me after we were married that he resented me asking about children before agreeing to marry him. After we were married he wouldn’t really talk about having children. This was a point of tension for us. I wanted to openly communicate about having children. His solution was to give in and just not put on a condom one night. I ended up pregnant. This was not a problem, but I would have liked to talk about timing and other issues with a baby. Our second child came along almost three years later. I never really knew when she could have managed to come about. He was always so careful about wearing a condom. He says he knows and I had had a couple drinks so maybe I just don’t remember the absence of one. He had a vasectomy five months after our daughter was born.

OK here is where I was hurt. During my first pregnancy, my husband withdrew somewhat. He acknowledged this at one point with a card on his own. This helped me. I feel like he as least tried with the first pregnancy. He wasn’t really available emotionally to participate in excitement over the baby. He did participate by voicing his concerns over what I chose to eat. He participated in the naming. After the baby was born, he was a good father and has continued to be one.

With my second pregnancy, he became very emotionally unavailable. I thought it would be easier since it was our second. He did make comments about what I should not eat. I ignored some of these. With my daughter I craved chocolate and some other sweets. I chose to eat some of these. I feel I still ate rather healthy. He participated in the naming also.

What I missed during these pregnancies was sharing the excitement. I missed lying in bed wondering what the baby would look like. What our hopes for the child were. We didn’t do a baby room together.
While I was pregnant, he mentioned getting a vasectomy. I asked him to wait until the baby was born in case something went wrong. He has always acted like he had a vasectomy for us. I have always felt like he had a vasectomy for himself. I don’t have a problem with him having had one. But really I would have been open to more children. I knew he wouldn’t.

My husband is a good father and is involved with his children. So I feel like maybe I should just be thankful for that. This was years ago. We will soon be empty nesters. Our son is in college and our daughter will soon graduate.

What I don’t understand is why this still bothers me. It would be very good to let it go. I have never expressed my hurt over this to my husband. I don’t think he would ever understand. I was reading a post from a man about his excitement and I felt so cheated. Any ideas on how to let this go.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think we all have regrets to some extent in our lives. That is part of living.

But, the thing that is unhealthy is constantly playing and replaying the past hurt or regret over and over and over in our mind.

Instead, we need to learn a way that will let us stop the replay of the past and instead concentrate on the here and now and plan for the future.



> “_Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward.” - anon._


So, the first thing you have to do is recognize that you are harboring old hurts and pain.

Then, you need to decide that you want to actively get rid of them.

Then, you implement some techniques in which to do so - by redirecting your thoughts away from the past into the here and now.

Here's an article I bookmarked some time ago about letting go of regrets that says it so much better than I.

Letting go of regrets

Best wishes.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I think we all have regrets to some extent in our lives. That is part of living.
> 
> But, the thing that is unhealthy is constantly playing and replaying the past hurt or regret over and over and over in our mind.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This not something that can be changed so I feel it would be so much healthier to move on. Will read the article.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You're supposed to talk about children before getting married . Why would you have said yes if he said he didn't want kids and you do? :scratchhead:

I don't know what else to say...maybe just bring it up to him so it doesn't fester and cause major issues down the road.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

He actually agreed to having children. He had six months from proposal to wedding to back out. We both come from backgrounds that make communication hard. I tend to back off if I sense he is uncomfortable. Since I am intuitive, I find it very easy to pick up on his discomfort. He is VERY closed off to communication. Lots of things can be avoided, but that doesn't mean we have the wisdom to avoid them. I have more wisdom, now.


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