# I'm pretty sure I did the right thing



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

About a month ago, I started going out with a woman who'd ended a long-term relationship about 2 months ago. We've known each other for quite some time and since I knew she was now single, I decided to give it a shot. 

After a couple of weeks, it became apparent she wasn't over her ex so I ended my romantic involvement with her, although we did remain friends. After I ended things, we did continue to communicate via text and phone calls. I know this was a big mistake but I liked her and thought she'd eventually start letting go. 

Well today, after about a week, I realized I was fighting an uphill battle and told her I could not continue communicating with. She didn't like that and said that she hoped I would reconsider. I'm pretty sure I did the right thing, though. 

What do you guys think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

long term relationship...stay single for a month of every year together


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What sort of things were giving the indication she wasn't over the ex?

Why did she break up with her ex?


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> What sort of things were giving the indication she wasn't over the ex?
> 
> Why did she break up with her ex?


Well, she would often mention things he had been saying to her, good or bad, since their breakup, indicating she was still communicating with him. She even once told me that he'd told her they would soon get back together and be together forever. Why tell me that? She even posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB recently with a caption saying "...even though we had our ups and downs, he's always gonna be apart of my life!" REALLY??? No thank you!!!

Concerning the reason for their breakup, he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Not to mention, she said he'd leave for days at a time without even a phone call or text. He's a real winner!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

It sounds like she want to treat you as an "emotional tampon". Don't let her do that.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

marksaysay said:


> Well, she would often mention things he had been saying to her, good or bad, since their breakup, indicating she was still communicating with him. She even once told me that he'd told her they would soon get back together and be together forever. Why tell me that? She even posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB recently with a caption saying "...even though we had our ups and downs, he's always gonna be apart of my life!" REALLY??? No thank you!!!
> 
> Concerning the reason for their breakup, he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Not to mention, she said he'd leave for days at a time without even a phone call or text. He's a real winner!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You made the right decision. 

You realised that you were accidentally on the train to Loonyville, but luckily you were able to get off at Sanity Junction.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You did the right thing.. if you have more feelings over her.. you need to walk away. her posting that picture with what she said speaks volumes.. she can't emotionally move on with anyone else.. feeling LIKE THAT... 

She needs time & space to reflect what it is she REALLY WANTS.. your leaving her may help "jump start" that process.. allow her to miss the "good guy" who was there for her...... 

SHe can lean on her girlfriends during this time to sort though it all..


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

That's something that you say about your ex spouse, that you we're married to for decades, and you have kids and grandkids with.
Not a boyfriend. There is no reason for communications after they break up, especially if she is in a relationship with you. Let her stay a drama mama. Without you.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Give her space. She is in pain and denial. Not your problem? That is up to you!

Space with good clean air. Don't suck the air out of a possible R with the EX. A good friend will either bow out or guide her where she needs to be.

Remain "friends" but not close buddies.

The LAST THING you want is strong feelings for her.

If that happens, it will help HER pull through this, at YOUR expense.

Being a KISA is OK if you don't open your face cover and kiss her.

E-mails and phone calls are OK if YOU want to do this.

Casually date other women in the interim.


----------



## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> long term relationship...stay single for a month of every year together


I dislike such formulas.

Every situation is different.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mclane said:


> I dislike such formulas.
> 
> Every situation is different.


Such formulas don't just pop up out of thin air. They're based on experience and statistics. And the study of the human brain.


----------



## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

turnera said:


> Such formulas don't just pop up out of thin air. They're based on experience and statistics. And the study of the human brain.


Doesn't make them right, or so accurate that they need to be followed to the letter.

This may come as a surprise to you but everyone is different. People heal at different rates, some are more attached to their expartner than others, some have more support options available to them so they get through the process quicker.


----------



## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> Such formulas don't just pop up out of thin air. They're based on experience and statistics. And the study of the human brain.


I actually thought your number sounded low. I've heard people toss out 1/3 or even 1/2 of the length of the relationship. But yes, there's a lot of studies that show a good break from any romantic relationships is necessary to really move on.


----------



## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> But yes, there's a lot of studies that show a good break from any romantic relationships is necessary to really move on.


A "Good break".

Now that I can live with.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

marksaysay said:


> About a month ago, I started going out with a woman who'd ended a long-term relationship about 2 months ago. We've known each other for quite some time and since I knew she was now single, I decided to give it a shot.
> 
> After a couple of weeks, it became apparent she wasn't over her ex so I ended my romantic involvement with her, although we did remain friends. After I ended things, we did continue to communicate via text and phone calls. I know this was a big mistake but I liked her and thought she'd eventually start letting go.
> 
> ...


As I've learned from observation and the comments made in many relationship, personal success and other books - the concepts of "right" and "wrong" are so polarizing and misleading that it's better to assume nothing is either.

So, what becomes the question?

I like this one: "Are my choices and actions likely to lead to the result I want?" Note that I don't have any role in creating someone else's desired result, partly because I don't know that person's desired result.

So, are you asking "right or wrong" for you or for her? You have no clue about her needs and desires, no human can...we can be guided to a self-knowledge, but we can't really see into others as well as pop psychology might lead you to believe.

On the surface of it, it looks like you want an LTR and you have decided that this woman is not appropriate for your LTR desires, and from that standpoint, you have made a decision that is likely to lead you to your own preference of success. But, keeping your own needs in mind, what benefits would you achieve by continuing to converse with her?


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> Well, she would often mention things he had been saying to her, good or bad, since their breakup, indicating she was still communicating with him. She even once told me that he'd told her they would soon get back together and be together forever. Why tell me that? She even posted a pic of the 2 of them on FB recently with a caption saying "...even though we had our ups and downs, he's always gonna be apart of my life!" REALLY??? No thank you!!!
> 
> Concerning the reason for their breakup, he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Not to mention, she said he'd leave for days at a time without even a phone call or text. He's a real winner!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yuck! You definitely made the right decision. She's never going to let this guy go...to the point where someone else could come into her life and feel comfortable.


----------



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Update:

After a series of FB posts, it has become evident this girl and her ex are seeing each other again. Surprise, surprise...lol. Some women are just gluttons for punishment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

