# Transgender ex



## Kafula1106 (May 8, 2017)

Hi. My ex came out as trans about 2 years ago. We've been separated pretty much since then. I'm a lady, my ex is m to f. We have one toddler Son who is the center of both our world's as far as I know. When we were splitting things up, we discussed some conditions and made some promises. The big one was that I would always be mom, she would never try to take it or offshoot it from me. I'm mom, momma, mother etc. In return I'd never ask for custody over her, no child support or alimony. I just want to be his mom. Now she (in kind of a sadistic way) is luring over me that she has been having my son call her mom, and urging all friends and strangers to do so as well. Of course my blood boils. This was a primary stipulation and she's breaking it. I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow. I had planned on a simple dissolution all this time. I don't want to go on a revenge rampage because my feelings are hurt, but at the same time the 1 promise she made to me she is breaking. I feel like I should go after her because what do my promises mean? I'd like to have primary physical custody of my son now and have peice of mind that I'm in control because she is moving in with another trans person who I've never met before (another part of our 50/50 was that we were allowed to meet? ppl who were around my son a lot to build confidence). She's breaking all our "rules" and she says she only agreed to them because she was emotional over our breakup and "under duress" like I wasn't part of our decade long relationship as well..... Ugh I just want to do right by my son.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long were the two of you married? How old are the two of you?

It sounds to me like he/she has been telling you want they think you want to hear so that you will agree to the terms that they want. It's an aggressive think to do. hat's a level of dishonesty that is troubling. Yea, people do it. Does not make it right.

If I were you I would go for as much physical custody as you can get, child support, etc.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Kafula1106 said:


> Hi. My ex came out as trans about 2 years ago. We've been separated pretty much since then. I'm a lady, my ex is m to f. We have one toddler Son who is the center of both our world's as far as I know. When we were splitting things up, we discussed some conditions and made some promises. The big one was that I would always be mom, she would never try to take it or offshoot it from me. I'm mom, momma, mother etc. In return I'd never ask for custody over her, no child support or alimony. I just want to be his mom. Now she (in kind of a sadistic way) is luring over me that she has been having my son call her mom, and urging all friends and strangers to do so as well. Of course my blood boils. This was a primary stipulation and she's breaking it. I have a consultation with a lawyer tomorrow. I had planned on a simple dissolution all this time. I don't want to go on a revenge rampage because my feelings are hurt, but at the same time the 1 promise she made to me she is breaking. I feel like I should go after her because what do my promises mean? I'd like to have primary physical custody of my son now and have peice of mind that I'm in control because she is moving in with another trans person who I've never met before (another part of our 50/50 was that we were allowed to meet? ppl who were around my son a lot to build confidence). She's breaking all our "rules" and she says she only agreed to them because she was emotional over our breakup and "under duress" like I wasn't part of our decade long relationship as well..... Ugh I just want to do right by my son.


First thing when you see the lawyer is hit your ex for child support and have it back dated for two years.Always go for the money and hit your ex in the pocket,unless she/he is wealthy this will show them you mean business.No more playing nice,your ex is playing dirty and you have to as well.Then get a legally enforceable agreement drawn up,stating expected behaviour around your son,his interaction with partners both yours and your exes.
Make sure your home is declared primarily residence for your son and make sure your ex is called the child's FATHER at every chance you get,every second sentence of your lawyers paperwork should emphasise this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi @Kafula1106, my ex H was also trans (m to f), and what you describe to the letter as your situation was something in retrospect that I feared but never faced. We did not have children (although we tried) and I couldn't imagine how I could have been both fair and keep things stable. It was a mind mess. I broke all contact as soon as our D was finished. 

You were doing what you thought best for your son ,to create the least amount of destabilization/confusion for him, yet still respect your ex's role and contribution as a parent. I would have done the same as you. Unfortunately, it appears your ex is showing signs of the same kind of lack of respect for your boundaries as mine was at the end of our relationship. My ex got increasingly selfish and in my face about his identity change, and I'd supported him 100% even though I lost so, so much. There was no reason to treat me that way. It's the reason I wanted nothing more to do with "her." 

You, however, don't have that ability to just cut contact (yet). Please lawyer up and do not hesitate when it comes to fighting for your son. Your ex is trying to exist with the new identity, however you had an agreement. It's unfortunate it was never in writing, but it's never too late to get that agreement drafted now. Squash this immediately.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Personal opinion, but in your shoes I would:

A) Stop referring to *him* as "her". To him. To other adults. Especially to your son.
B) I would keep my word: "I won't do these things as long as you do XYZ." But XH went ahead and didn't do XYZ, so all bets are off. Go for custody. Go for CS. Go for Alimony.
C) I would explain to your son that there are only 2 sexes, and that his daddy needs counseling for some head issues. Daddy is not "mommy" and he should not call daddy "mommy" just because daddy "feels" weird.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

On one hand, knowing people in the trans community, I want to support the rights of trans people to go by the pronoun they prefer.

OTOH, what your STBXH is trying to pull with your child is bull-****. Agreements were made, and your STBXH is violating those agreements. Get your lawyer, and go for all of it. Child support, custody, and alimony. Your STBXH is being incredibly disrespectful of you as his child's mother. I don't know how old your son is, but I'm going to guess that he's not ready to intellectually handle the issue of a m-to-f trans parent, and your STBXH is being very selfish in not thinking about what is best for your child at this point in time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, agreed. This is not an issue about the gender change itself or the identity that the OP's ex wants to assume, although it does add complexity to the issue. The issue is that the ex is disrespecting an agreement that was made in the best interest of the child at the time it was struck. Like any other issue of similar circumstance, I'd say that the boundaries need to be in writing, communicated clearly, and signed-off on.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

How is it going, @Kafula1106?


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