# Feeling Stuck!



## RiverCountry (Aug 9, 2012)

I have the same problem. We got married at 19. We are best friends, but I have lost attraction to him over the years. We have been married for 25 years. Our kids are grown. We work together. He is pretty controlling, demanding a lot of my time. For many years after we married and were raising our kids, I abandoned my friends because of family and him and never got time for myself and with friends. Since our kids are now on their own, I have started to reconnect with my friends. He is very jealous of this, and gives me a hard time either before or after I spend an evening or day with some friends. This is not new. He has been a very jealous and controlling person since almost the day we met. I was just too young and stupid to realize it. Then, we had kids and our time was occupied with them and we were able to keep busy. He thinks I am having a mid life crisis because I want to spend time (maybe 1 time a month) with my friends. Its hardly that as every woman knows that we need "girl time"...He just is bothered with it because he cannot control what I am doing and be there seeing what is going on. He doesn't admit it but I always get 100 questions when I get home about what we did, where we went, etc...he thinks if we go out for dinner and drinks that we are "man hunting"...its amazing, because that is usually the last thing on our minds! I feel he treats me more like a daughter than a wife. I have told him this. It doesn't register. One moment he will be nice and rub my back, fix me breakfast, etc...and then the next minute be controlling and bring up past problems, etc...he doesn't allow me to talk to certain people, because he's afraid they will hit on me, if they are male. He tries to analyze each of my friends and give me his opinion on them. He's very gossipy, which I am not. In my younger years, I worked in public accounting and myself and other employees (male & female) had to go to client locations...he would not allow me to ride in the same car as a man. He made me drive myself. It was embarrassing, because I was the only employee that had to do this...I had to make excuses to my co-workers as to why I had to drive separately. he just has a complex that I will cheat on him and he cannot move on. The moral of my story here is that because of all this, I cannot be attracted to him sexually because I don't feel like a lover....just a friend (or daughter in some cases...lol). I just want to be myself and I feel like I cannot. I am not trying to be selfish or unfaithful...just need a little breathing room or freedom, but he takes it as I must be going to see other men. There is alot more to this but too much to type at this moment. Any suggestions out there? I am not sure his attitude is "fixable", as he comes from a family history or major divorce and unfaithfulness. He just has a complex and wants to do anything he can to control it from happening to him, but really its just pushing me away...yes, I have expressed this to him as well. We have both made mistakes in our marriage, but he keeps letting the past affect us today and its just really turning me off and pushing me away from him. I feel stuck.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

You are stuck.

I went through pretty similar stuff in my marriage. I'd get questioned why I was 15 minutes late getting home, and it was just because a train had blocked the intersection on my route home. That wasn't good enough one time because 'I didn't hear the train whistle, so there must not have been a train.'

Sigh.

What am I going to actually accomplish in 15 minutes with another woman that she's also going to be happy about? Not much, but I had to go through the same drill as you. I had to rehearse everything I did and said during the day, remembering it all for her because when I walked through the door at night it was a daily run down of who I seen, when, where, for how long, what was said, etc. 

Couldn't talk to my past friends and girlfriends (who were just friends) every female coworker apparently wanted to jump me and pound me through the floor they were so horny for me and if I looked at a woman at all, I was automatically trying to nail her.

I eventually left. Took me 10 years, three kids and a lot of lost friends, time and opportunities along the way, as well as a great deal of personal embarrassment with my friends, but I left.

I'm not saying you should, but I would simply start standing up to him. You are in your mid-40's, based on what I read in your post, and you have to ask yourself, do you want this until the day you (or him) die? Do you want to be 80, roll over in the morning and wake up to him looking at you? Do you even love him anymore?

You have some tough questions to ask yourself and I hope it all works out for you, but be true to yourself and make things work for you as well, not just him.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You made the decisoin 25 years ago to marry him.... There was a reason for this. You make the decisoin today to stay with him.... There is a reason for this. In life you sometimes have to take the good with the bad. It is always your role in your marriage that you choose to be a part of to be the best wife possible to him and make him feel loved, happy, and secure. He too has the mirror to this role but I ask this. Just becuase his behavior is not perfect in this respect (he is insecure), what would be the effect of you doing things to make him feel safe and secure ? If he has encountered sexual resistance and rejection over the years, he certainly is not going to feel more secure in his marriage. So the probems you have are feeding on itself. You can more easily change your actions than his actions... See if your actoins can change his actions.

Having said all that, I would print out and show him your post. I would also recommend marital counseling.


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