# I have returned ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Hello people from TAM, 

I returned from the men's ACTS retreat sunday, it was an awesome experience. I found a new sense of renewment in me, I feel better, feel like a new person, just feel overall, great. I missed my family while gone mainly missed my kids.

Seeing my family was great I felt really happy and good, but the feeling was short lived. Why ????

Because of my wife's actions, that is why. I return and im enjoying my time and right in front of other retreatents and their families she starts yelling at my son. He was not doing anything wrong but just being a kid. That was very embarassing to say the least. He was sayng things that would seem funny and kind of in appropriate but nothing like foul language. But he says those things because he hears her saying them. So I explained to her that he saying those things because he hears her saying them and he learned them from her. She is the teacher as a parent to our son.

Another thing that caught me off guard was that she was kind of flirting with another retreatent, but she denies it. Of course whats new in her denying anything. So I got mad because this is what I come home too. 

I come home a changed man, with a new and better outlook on life. A more calm and patient man, fore I have never been patient or calm.

We get home and the volcano erupts, we both explode. We argue and argue and argue. Finally her dad knocks on the door and says its enough. She walks out of the room with a kind of guilty look (more on that in a bit). So her father doesn't get mad, by the way he attended the retreat also and he also enjoyed it.

He tells me that he had a feeling that me and the wife would argue after my return, because I came home a changed man with good intentions and satan wants me to keep doing wrong. So he just talks to me, reminds me of what we learned this weekend and I finally calm down and just sit down to relax.

Will something is nagging at my mind so I decide to look into her facebook. Im skimming thru it not seeing anything then BAM !!!! There it is just what I kinda expected.

I see a post she made to her cousin's girlfriend on saturday about having drinks. This is the girlfriend to the same cousin where everything got started back in january. This woman was there back in january and this woman is an alcoholic and I do not like her for nothing. Yes i know its wrong to say that for i should be nicer, but she is not a good influence. She is not good company as for she is a very shady person.

Well I walk back to my wife and make a small comment, I say "did you enjoy your drinks saturday", she got surprised and said what drinks.....I said it again did you enjoy your drinks while I was gone. 

Then she knew what I was talking about and said she did not go out for drinks, that she just made that post in a joking manner. Yes the cousin's girlfriend posted "LOL" when wife said lets have drinks, but after the other persons post of LOL wife posted again "im serious" lets have drinks, in other words wife was sending out an invitation to party saturday night with her, her cousin and whoever else the wife had in mind.

So I tell myself my wife already had this intentions in her head even before I left for the retreat. She had told herself that I would be gone thursday night and return till sunday. So her plans were to party while I was gone and me not find out.

But god makes things happen in mysterious ways. I had a poking feeling to look at her facebook page.

Later sunday evening I find out that she let my daughter who is 13 yrs old to spend the night at her friends house, on saturday night.

So now im left wondering did my wife go out saturday night, she did have my son with her. But she also said she didn't go have drinks BECAUSE, her cousin and his girlfriend went to a party. So what is to say that maybe thats why she let daughter stay the night at her friends so wife could go to the party also.

I told my wife that I see her ways. I told her I knew that if I left that she would take advantage of that opportunity to go out and her hope I find nothing out. But she is wrong.

Last night wife started crying and telling me and her dad (my father-in-law) that our daughter doesn't respect her at all. Will daughter doesn't respect her because she see's all the wrong her mother does to her dad (me). With the lies, decieving me, hiding stuff, wifes inappropriate actions towards me. How can my wife expect our daughter to respect her like that.

It makes me think about the part in the DESCENDANTS movie where the daughter tells the dad that her mother has been cheating on him for a while and he had no idea about anything.

It makes me think and wonder if my daughter knows something but she is afraid to say anything, because she knows our family will breakup, she is afraid she will be blamed for me and her mom divorcing if she revealed something of that nature.

Im not saying thats what it is, i just wonder about it. Because i notice how my daughter treats her mom, but the wife is to blame for that.

Well i sat down with the wife and told her straight out, i don't think i can or will ever be able to trust her anymore. Told her it seems i can't leave for weekend to better myself because she see's that as an opportunity to act like a single woman. I told her i would not stand for that in my marriage anymore.

I believe she needs to get hit hard for her to open her eyes and realize what she is doing wrong. Im not talking getting hit physically. Im saying she needs to hit a dead end or something. 

Maybe me filing for divorce will wake her up.

I have threatened it before but she says for me to go ahead and do it that i will regret it in the sense that i was wrong about her all along. Maybe she uses that as a manipulative tool to make me feel guilty not to file for divorce. Who knows.....

But im thinking i need to let her go because i have changed myself to be a better person. She attended the retreat herself in october but she seems to have forgotten everything about the retreat.

Seems it might be best to let her go and wish her luck, because i came back a new man with a new mindset and better beliefs in life. I will teach my kids to be better from now on.

They don't need to see arguements or hear foul language or see anything bad anymore. They deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Life.Is.Pain as long as you choose to wallow in it. Take control of your own life. Don't expect her to change her behavior or don't think that you can influence it in any way. iF she starts an argument, you end it. Walk away. If she can't be a good role model, you be one.
Grow detached from the outcome.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Notice your avatar. The stick man getting hit, he's choosing to keep his hand there.


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

You spend a lot of your mental energy focused on your wife's actions.

It's time for you to try something new, a different approach. You will drive yourself insane the way you are going now.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say you already have...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From what I read it looks like your chick brings out the worst in you and her kids. I mean right after the retreat the boy act out, you go off, and daughter....well daughter most likely has the same resentment towards your wife as before. You mentioned your daughter before on other threads...and I agree with you completely.

I think your on to something...file for divorce, have her served, and during the waiting period, hopefully she turns a corner, then you can withdraw the filing.

Maybe after you fill for divorce, and have that "its not your fault" talk with your daughter, you can bring up the lack of respect and resentment issues.

I do how ever suggest you hold off on telling the boy, until you see if WW will turn a corner or not. If you withdraw the filling then the boy doesn't need to know, but if the D does go thru you can tell him after its finalized.

Thats my $0.02


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Life.Is.Pain as long as you choose to wallow in it. Take control of your own life. Don't expect her to change her behavior or don't think that you can influence it in any way. iF she starts an argument, you end it. Walk away. If she can't be a good role model, you be one.
> Grow detached from the outcome.


Thank you and thats exactly what my father-in-law told me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Notice your avatar. The stick man getting hit, he's choosing to keep his hand there.


True and i know what you mean by that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Saki said:


> You spend a lot of your mental energy focused on your wife's actions.
> 
> It's time for you to try something new, a different approach. You will drive yourself insane the way you are going now.
> 
> In fact, I'd go as far as to say you already have...


I believe you may be right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

the guy said:


> From what I read it looks like your chick brings out the worst in you and her kids. I mean right after the retreat the boy act out, you go off, and daughter....well daughter most likely has the same resentment towards your wife as before. You mentioned your daughter before on other threads...and I agree with you completely.
> 
> I think your on to something...file for divorce, have her served, and during the waiting period, hopefully she turns a corner, then you can withdraw the filing.
> 
> ...





the guy said:


> From what I read it looks like your chick brings out the worst in you and her kids. I mean right after the retreat the boy act out, you go off, and daughter....well daughter most likely has the same resentment towards your wife as before. You mentioned your daughter before on other threads...and I agree with you completely.
> 
> I think your on to something...file for divorce, have her served, and during the waiting period, hopefully she turns a corner, then you can withdraw the filing.
> 
> ...


I spoke to my daughter a while ago just me and her. She said she is angry at mom because wife badmouths her to her aunts, daughters cousins and makes fun of daughter when daughter is trying to talk to wife trying to seek advice.

Last night daughter said in front of her mom and her grandpa my father-in-law that she feels better coming to talk to me because i listen to her and she feels im sincere. That made me feel wonderful as a father for in the past i have been neglectful to my kids. 

But the retreat opened my eyes and i am very glad it did. But even before the retreat i was already changing on my own and daughter was noticing it long ago. Im very happy about that.

As for filing for divorce i will think about it and seek guidance from god to if that will be the best decision.

I came home with a new perspective and thoughts but will pray for an answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

What is your life like with your wife? I hear a lot of negative events/items in your interactions but what I don't hear is anything fun or positive.

If your entire marriage is toxic, then I can assure you it is not God's plan for you to be miserable. 

Think of things this way - you and your wife are modeling behavior for your children that they will mirror in their lives. Your daughter will learn to either be your wife (miserable shrew) or you (miserable doormat). Is that what you would choose for her?


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can start with changing your user name!

Dig your heels in and be the person you feel you are on the inside, the one you connected to on the retreat. Don't knee-jerk at home.


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> What is your life like with your wife? I hear a lot of negative events/items in your interactions but what I don't hear is anything fun or positive.
> 
> If your entire marriage is toxic, then I can assure you it is not God's plan for you to be miserable.
> 
> Think of things this way - you and your wife are modeling behavior for your children that they will mirror in their lives. Your daughter will learn to either be your wife (miserable shrew) or you (miserable doormat). Is that what you would choose for her?


Its not all negative just that this year has been the worst of our marriage out of 14yrs married. Truely the worst year of our entire marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You can start with changing your user name!
> 
> Dig your heels in and be the person you feel you are on the inside, the one you connected to on the retreat. Don't knee-jerk at home.


I do wanna change my user name but how do i do that ???

And yes i will start being the person i became in the retreat. I will stand tall and strong as a new individual not who i used to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

life.is.pain said:


> I believe you may be right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what new approaches are you going to try?

Sounds like changing your user name and avatar would be a great start!

What else???

You might find a book called "Co Dependant No More" a good read....


----------



## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Saki said:


> So what new approaches are you going to try?
> 
> Sounds like changing your user name and avatar would be a great start!
> 
> ...


Yes i want to change my user name, just don't know how. 

I will look into the book.

The changes i will make have already started in me and people will eventually see it.

I FEEL NO MORE PAIN !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

