# Husband has been cheating 15 years



## GG11 (Apr 16, 2020)

It has all come to light in the past week. The cheating (incessant flirting, sexting, ONS, and two 1+ year affairs) started before we were married, around 15-years ago. I caught him out sexting last year ... we went to therapy, and we had (I thought) been trying hard since then to work things out. But he was pulling away from me. I should have known, but I didn’t. He craves the validation, attention, and being desired. He has deep-rooted issues around trust and communication that relate back to a childhood trauma.
Leave him, you say? Problem is I love him (even though I hate him). We have three children. He insists he loves me, needs help, and wants to fight for our family. I am so confused!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

GG11 said:


> Leave him, you say? Problem is I love him (even though I hate him).


Love him as a divorced co-parent, from a distance. He is only going to continue to cheat and destroy your soul. I’m sorry you are in this situation.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Of course you're confused! You JUST found this out and it's a huge bomb dropped. It would be impossible to think clearly right now. Even if you _did _come to a decision right now, chances are your mind would change 1,000 times - and that's okay. 

My advice would be... do not even try to make a decision right now. Contrary to what some people will have you believe, you don't want to jump to any decision. So, for now, be unsure, be uncommitted to a decision, and take time for yourself. Focus on you, not your husband. 

For your husband, what I would recommend doing is telling him that you are not willing to be with him if he doesn't get help for his issues, and even if he DOES get help for those issues, you still might be done with him. Do not make promises that you will stay if he gets help, because you don't know if that's true yet. He could get all the help in the world, turn into the best person/husband ever, and you could still say "You know what, **** this I'm done". So, make no promises. If he truly wants to get better and have a shot at saving your marriage, he will do the work. If he doesn't do the work, then he's all talk anyway. 

Do not wait around forever for him to decide to get help. Set a time limit, maybe it's one month or maybe it's three months, and *stick to that*. Tell him he has to get therapy as soon as possible or there is NO chance at all of working things out. The virus is NOT an excuse, many therapists are doing their sessions through video calls. Many have also lost a lot of their clients because they cannot afford sessions now, so waitlists may not be as much of an issue. Do NOT search for a therapist for him. That is his job, not yours, and it will show if he's going to put in some effort or not. 

Do NOT do marriage counseling right now. You can (and should) both do individual therapy, but no marriage counseling for now. That is not what you need at this time. 

If you want, you can even file for divorce (some lawyers are open as well) or just print papers off the internet, to show him that you are serious. If you file, you can always change your mind later. Here's the thing though, you cannot do either of those things unless you are going to follow through with it. Do not make a "threat" that you have no intention of following through with. 

It would also be a good idea to call at least one lawyer, second opinions are always a good idea, and see where you stand IF you do divorce. It doesn't mean you have decided to divorce, it just means you are looking into your options, seeing where you stand, and being prepared. It may make you feel better and help with a decision, if that is weighing on you. 

My wife has a metric **** ton of childhood issues and had two affairs, both of which took place over several years and one started before we married. I found out about a year and a half ago and we're still together. One of the biggest requirements was that she got help, and A LOT of it. Therapy for a few months will not cut it. Therapy once a month will not cut it. She was in therapy for months before I felt better about working things out. It took almost a year and a half to put wedding rings back on. And I'm STILL not 100% sure. It takes a lot of time and A LOT of him showing you that he wants to work on his issues and that he will put in all of the hard work on his issues and the mess he made in your marriage. 

It is possible to fix it, though. It's hard and it ****ing sucks, but it's possible.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

GG11 said:


> It has all come to light in the past week. The cheating (incessant flirting, sexting, ONS, and two 1+ year affairs) started before we were married, around 15-years ago. I caught him out sexting last year ... we went to therapy, and we had (I thought) been trying hard since then to work things out. But he was pulling away from me. I should have known, but I didn’t. He craves the validation, attention, and being desired. He has deep-rooted issues around trust and communication that relate back to a childhood trauma.
> Leave him, you say? Problem is I love him (even though I hate him). We have three children. He insists he loves me, needs help, and wants to fight for our family. I am so confused!


Cheating for 15 years isn't a mistake and hence isn't fixable. It's a lifestyle, and the one he consciously chose for one and a half decades. 

You have two options: try to accept that you're in an open marriage or leave him.

It is extremely unlikely that he will ever give up his lifestyle. It's who he is, and he totally lacks any integrity whatsoever.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I made the mistake upon finding out what was called a one-time "mistake" by my cheating wife. I thought I was strong enough to suck it up, move past that if she and I were in a committed marriage. We did counselling, yadda-yadda.

I was so wrong!

My ex was in a long-term affair, had others besides that one. All of this came out after the long-term guy died. How many years was it? At least 10 years.

And even then it took me stunned mind-numbing several years to realize I had to leave her, there is no repair possible.

Some cheaters never stop. They just are very good liars.

I'd move on if I were you.

I'm so glad I did.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

A perpetual cheater is just that - due to many selfish reasons... reasons you can’t fix for them.

it may take 2-5 years for him to get professional help that makes a difference in his mindset. He may still cheat between now and then.

you ok with that? If you’re not - divorce him. You can still parent with him.

you say you love him... you don’t know the “real version of him”! You only know the guy who lies to you and cheats on you.

please get professional help for yourself. You need to learn to be strong enough to love yourself more than you love him.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

As what Spicy and Marduk said. 
look after yourself the pig of a man is too selfish to help himself or you. Exercise, seek legal advice and start the 180. Medical checks as well. 
Buffer


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What makes you think he’ll change? Serial cheaters usually don’t.

(BTW, love doesn’t mean a relationship will work.)


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What serial cheaters chase is the excitement, and thrill, of the shiny new toy. They love the hunt and it’s very difficult for them to stop. I lived with a serial cheater for too many decades and, believe me, it was not an easy life. 

My ex-husband never changed no matter how many times he promised he would. The problem is that change requires a lot of time and energy and effort. It’s really easy to say you will do whatever it takes but putting in the work is another story.

R with a serial cheater is a tough road. It takes years, sometimes many years, and trust never completely comes back — certainly not the way it once was. And it shouldn’t. You now know too well what they’re capable of.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

GG11 said:


> It has all come to light in the past week. The cheating (incessant flirting, sexting, ONS, and two 1+ year affairs) started before we were married, around 15-years ago. I caught him out sexting last year ... we went to therapy, and we had (I thought) been trying hard since then to work things out. But he was pulling away from me. I should have known, but I didn’t. He craves the validation, attention, and being desired. He has deep-rooted issues around trust and communication that relate back to a childhood trauma.
> Leave him, you say? Problem is I love him (even though I hate him). We have three children. He insists he loves me, needs help, and wants to fight for our family. I am so confused!


no, he doesn’t want to fight for your family. If he did, he wouldn’t have done damage that kills the whole relationship for your entire marriage.

he mainly wants you to take more of the same crappy actions he’s used to dishing out to you.

don’t do it. He won’t change. He’s never known how to be faithful - why would he start now?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

listen to the wisdom here. The only one you can change is yourself, you cannot change your WH. It is very very difficult to change. Do not stay for the kids and teach them it is ok for a spouse to treat you like this, get some counselling for yourself and get ready to leave. You do not want to wake up after another 15 years of this and regret not having left when you still had time to make a new life for yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GG11 said:


> It has all come to light in the past week. The cheating (incessant flirting, sexting, ONS, and two 1+ year affairs) started before we were married, around 15-years ago. I caught him out sexting last year ... we went to therapy, and we had (I thought) been trying hard since then to work things out. But he was pulling away from me. I should have known, but I didn’t. He craves the validation, attention, and being desired. He has deep-rooted issues around trust and communication that relate back to a childhood trauma.
> Leave him, you say? Problem is I love him (even though I hate him). We have three children. He insists he loves me, needs help, and wants to fight for our family. I am so confused!


Good day, @GG11

OK. Pretty much everything is fixable, one way or another. Though the way it can be fixed might not be the same in all cases. Some can be fixed by reconciliation, others by divorce.

He had a childhood trauma. What was the childhood trauma? Has he received counselling for this?

Is this a reason for his affairs or merely an excuse? After all, the majority of people who have also suffered from similar childhood traumas don't cheat on their spouse and, by extension, their own children, too.

I think you should get tested for STDs and demand the same of him.

Seek legal advice to protect the interests of you and your children.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP. Truly. I've been exactly where you are. I found out 21 years into a relationship (15 married) that my husband had been cheating - a lot - for the entire 21 years. It's just something that messes with your whole self - mind, body and soul. 

I eventually came to realize that the person I thought I loved, the life I thought we'd built together, the dreams I believed we'd shared, had never really existed at all. My entire adult life was basically a figment of my own imagination and his manipulation. A mind game orchestrated by someone who was willing to do anything to get what he wanted. And what he wanted was what we had - a marriage where he was entirely free to behave as a single man whenever I wasn't in his presence. Our marriage - just as it was, _worked _for him. He had no need, no desire, to change anything about our lives. 

Well, except it would have been awfully nice if I would just get over my little snit about things that weren't any of my business (the infidelity) and just calmed the hell down, so things could get back to normal...

OP, by now, your husband has probably said he's willing to do anything to save your marriage. You will likely find that what he actually means is that he's willing to say anything. _Doing_ any of the profound self-examination and work it would take to completely transform his personality and lifestyle may be beyond his abilities. What's more, he may not even really want to do that work. He may be entirely happy with his life, and your relationship, just as it has always been. 

You should realize that this is who he is. The person you thought you had, loved, has never actually existed. This strange alien being who has crushed you? This is who he has always been. And will continue to be. Only you can decide whether you will continue to let him be that person _with you_.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GG11 said:


> He has deep-rooted issues around trust and communication that relate back to a childhood trauma.


Making excuses for him and everything. Oh man.

You say he cheats due to "childhood trauma." Does that childhood "trauma" *also* make him rob banks? Does it make him harm or hurt people? Does it make him abuse children? Abuse animals? Will it make him become a serial killer?

Or does this magic "trauma" *ONLY* - specifically - make him cheat on you? 🙄 🙄 🙄

Keep making excuses for your serial cheater and you know what you're going to get? A serial cheater.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation, OP. Truly. I've been exactly where you are. I found out 21 years into a relationship (15 married) that my husband had been cheating - a lot - for the entire 21 years. It's just something that messes with your whole self - mind, body and soul.
> 
> I eventually came to realize that the person I thought I loved, the life I thought we'd built together, the dreams I believed we'd shared, had never really existed at all. My entire adult life was basically a figment of my own imagination and his manipulation. A mind game orchestrated by someone who was willing to do anything to get what he wanted. And what he wanted was what we had - a marriage where he was entirely free to behave as a single man whenever I wasn't in his presence. Our marriage - just as it was, _worked _for him. He had no need, no desire, to change anything about our lives.
> 
> ...


yes, this was exactly my exH too. He expected to stay married and still act like everything was just fine.

I wasn’t capable of his pretending once his truth was discovered.

he told me he really loves being married 😳 he just doesn’t have the capability of being faithful.

ummmm, this kind of guy should never get married and take the vows he took. 😤


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hopefully your next post will have the word ex-husband in it.

By the way LOVE is a terrible reason to be married if it's the only one. Besides don't confuse love with desperation, there is no love without mutual respect for the person you are with or for yourself.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

GG11 said:


> It has all come to light in the past week. The cheating (incessant flirting, sexting, ONS, and two 1+ year affairs) started before we were married, around 15-years ago. I caught him out sexting last year ... we went to therapy, and we had (I thought) been trying hard since then to work things out. But he was pulling away from me. I should have known, but I didn’t. He craves the validation, attention, and being desired. He has deep-rooted issues around trust and communication that relate back to a childhood trauma.
> Leave him, you say? Problem is I love him (even though I hate him). We have three children. He insists he loves me, needs help, and wants to fight for our family. I am so confused!


This sort of person some people call a narcissist, but this type of person with this life long pattern of behavior actually has a disorder called narcissistic personality disorder. It's the medical term for attention *****. It is a genetic brain disorder, not from environment. They are naturally drawn to what they perceive as a positive feedback supply. They are the girl in high school who everybody called 'easy'. Because she was 'easy'....she would do anything with anybody in order to be liked. Including giving it all away. She couldn't stop herself because she didn't even understand what was driving her own behavior in the first place. They are discovering, now, that this behavior has little to do with environment, it is the way certain receptors in the brain are working and these people can't help being this way. Yes, therapy can help, and a good value system can help, but it is a constant struggle for these people to stay away from reacting to any and all positive attention they receive. So it suffices to say that it is difficult to live a healthy life with people like this because the consequences of this disorder are always rearing their ugly head, so to speak.

A person who responds in this way feeds off attention in many forms, not just romantic forms. They walk into a conversation and plant themselves in it and if that creates feelings of approval and being appreciated, then they won want that party to end. They have a visceral response to being admired, they can physically tremble with pleasure when people respond to them favorably in extreme situations. And when it comes in the form of the opposite sex pursuing them, they can't say no. The feeling they get from that is to overwhelming. They succumb to the trance it puts them in. They will give away your home to a person who will make them feel like they are the greatest person who ever lived. So you have to be careful, because you will find out that there are many more problems a person like this can bring into your life than just cheating. 

But once they realize that you recognize what they are doing, it can break the transfixion. Because calling them out for needing so much extra attention on a full time basis will make them feel exposed and caught and they will not like this. So calling them out on this will give you power. So you must let them know you thought you saw them tremble when the neighbor said you were the best looking guy on the block. If you call them out each time you begin to see it rising it's ugly head, you can stop it dead in it's tracks, at least the issue at hand anyway. Obviously, you can't follow them around all day every day catching them. But you can ask them every night at dinner how may supply opportunities they had that day. And this alone is a turn off and can affect the way they see their own disorder as something they will begin not to like themselves for.

This is a genetic brain issue and is not caused by some trauma that they experienced growing up. Most likely there is another relative in their family who is this way as well. These people are hard to see sometimes, but they are in all of our lives. They are the neighbor that loves you, because unbeknownst to you, you have been feeding their supply by admiring their green lawn every morning, and they thrive off of your positive feedback. They are your child's teacher at school whom you thanked for doing such a good job once or twice, but you hardly really know, and have no idea you are feeding their need by showing recognition to them. They are a person you met at a party who you said to them, "you always looks so good". And they are, unfortunately some peoples spouses, and when you are the spouse, you will end up being the person who interferes with the supply sources. And that makes you problematic. 

So in the end, you are not only being cheated on in the typical way, you are being left out in the cold in many regards. They have outside sources for every need for what you are supposed to be the only source. Even the benign ones. So you will be on the outside looking in. At them.


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