# real eye opener



## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

This past weekend my fiance and I went to an engagement encounter held by our local church. We have a date set for next year in springish/summer. 

Being at this retreat, I always knew the qualities that he had...the ones that will affect me and it's really making me think twice to marrying him. 

1) I always knew he is very greedy. When we were younger, he was not like that. He was very giving and only used money to as a means. Now he uses money as both a means and what he wants, gambles, or is very stingy with money to me. 

I do not understand why he is so greedy for money, other than that is that is one of his family's cultural value, and now that the more older he becomes the more stingy and greedy he becomes. 

I am still a student and I realized that after this retreat, why I am so stressed. It's because of him. He is trying to push me for a family, to work full-time, have kids (and still work the whole time) and continuously bring in money. He knows that I have made more money than him and therefore I think besides him loving me, he wants to use me. I do not understand why he didnt choose to continue college when I already pushed him through the last year and a half of High school and through our community college. And then he does not use the degree to further enhance his payroll, schooling, and insurance. Rather he decides to work at a packaging delivery company that will only pay so much and keeps telling me that I need to work. My mouth even dropped once when he told me that I should just end school and work. Work for what? 

I also do not understand why he is greedy and stingy to me. I think that it is ever since one of his "friends" ( I say "friend" because I overheard this guy talking against my fiance to my fiance's own brother!) said that I am just a gold digger, which isnt true because the moment I got out of Highschool I was at work pulling both of us through school. I am very independent and unneedy. Only when I really ran out of resources I ask for help and now that I ask for help as I am struggling financially since I lost my job, he doesnt seem to want to help. He rather spend money on me to shop for bull**** clothes and items I _*DONT *_need rather than on the necessity toiletries and things I do need. 

2) I knew that his family and friends always talk negative about me. At first I did not know why. One of the questions was who are you able to talk with? And he tells me he has "no friends." I absolutely do not believe it since there is always someone we run into that he's chummy with. 

And on paper he admits (since we are supposed to share our thoughts) that he talks about everything there. 

I felt so naiive and stupid thinking that everything between us was good and "between us." But it isnt. And reflecting back I have felt that no matter what it all seems like they know about me, when I do not know a thing about them by the way they approach me. 

And what is worse to me is that he put his nephew/cousin on speaker while they were talking and I felt strange about it, that it wasnt right. In the end, that cousin of his, called me a "succubus" and that he tells my fiance that it's me who's telling him to get off the phone. :wtf::wtf: totally putting words in my mouth when I absolutely said nothing. 

3) I know love should not be on a scale. I always felt that my fiance loved me more, but I realized that it was me who always ended up doing the actions and taking care of him. That I am the fool who caretakes like a co-dependent and obviously, no matter how much I put up boundaries, he does what he wants. 

It made me reflect that maybe I am choosing a guy who is like my father, who works a woman to sickness (literally, physically sick) to always bring home the dough, to succumb to whatever he wants or he'll just run off, and knows what he wants and will make sure that he gets it. 

I am seriously thinking of 1) postponing the marriage to a few years 2) not having it at all 3) going into it knowing what I will have to face and I am beginning to think that it may be an unhappy marriage based on his greed, selfishness, dishonesty, secrecy, and basically being slave-driven w/o any rest. 

4) And what bothers me for a long time is that he chooses to tell me what he wants me to know. He isnt honest in telling me anything for fear of "having an argument" as he always tells me. I am not just someone who listens and then that's as far as it goes. Culturally, I was raised with speaking up my opinion as well as listening and maybe his non-communication is just too much for me. Culturally, he was raised that no one talks and only speaks when necessary, but doesnt make sense because he never used to be like that. I am beginning to wonder if all his true face after 8 years together is beginning to show because he thinks he got me with this whole wedding commotion. 

At first none of this bothered me, but even before the retreat, he started saying wierd things. And the biggest one that I am "EEK" about "If you ever leave me I'll kill myself" which really made me feeling like leaving him that moment. 

I realize that I am confused between my feelings for him and the reality I am facing with him. And that it is me who is always giving while he chooses whether he wants to or not. 

Sorry for the long post, but I am feeling confused in my decision. As for the wedding part, he is not even helping in any of the process which I am not sure is typical of a man or not.

::EDIT::

He does have a good side, too and wants to work on things. But right now these are the things that have stood out for me. I think that I need to work on myself rather than focusing too much on him, because apparently, he knows what he wants and is doing. I feel like I am the one bearing our relationship on my shoulders which makes me feel more clouded and confused. If he is sharing valuable relationship information, why not discuss with me? Why hold things in? I am a dominating person, but I can keep my mouth shut once in a while and just listen. Is it me who has pushed him away to act like this? Or his friends and family who say things? Or all of it? Or himself too? I really dont know.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

i think you have serious complaints already, you need to really think is this what you want.
im gonna be honest, he wont change and if he already has his expectations of you when you have children and working. 
well i say this, but when i met my H, i knew instantly that if we were to be together or split up, he would b a good father.
but my ex - whom i had a miscarriage with, well put it this way, if id have had a child with him, he would never have wanted me , but would have used the child the keep on hurting me either way.

id hold onto wedding money. weddings are expensive and their not even investments.

i think on this one - you need to think about number 1, he is already draggin you down. his behaviour is nothing at the moment.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm glad you went to the encounter as it seems to have shed some light on your relationship sooner rather than later. I know 8 years is a long time, but a marriage is a partnership and all too often husbands and/or wives are looking for what they can get from it vs. what they can give.

It almost seems as though you already resent him for not being there for you when you need him financially when you have been there for him in the past. This is not likely to change once you marry. If you feel he takes you for granted, I would call off the wedding plans ASAP. It doesn't mean you have to break up (unless that's what you want) but I wouldn't set any date in the future unless you are sure he's ready to love, honor & cherish you...working, finances and children are all extremely important issues to discuss prior to marriage and if you are at serious odds, it will be difficult.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

engaged encounter is such a great idea. did you keep contact with the priest who officiated the encounter. as i remember, he encouraged all the couples to contact him if they ever needed assistance in their marriage, he would be a marvelous resource for you now.


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