# Is it okay



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I've had a very stressful past 9 months or so. I've had grave complications with my health-- possibly lupus or undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. My rheumatologist has no idea what do do and so I am left with medical cannabis as a palliative as whatever is causing my body to destroy itself continues unabated. The odds for untreated lupus and similar autoimmune disorders are rather poor, so it's been difficult few months to say the least. It came to a head on Saturday when, at what was essentially a LARP ball, in full princess costume/regalia, I severely overtaxed myself, embarrassed myself in public, and came within a hair's breadth of publicly fainting. Furthermore, even the cannabis is starting to reveal worrisome side effects and I need to somehow save money for a different specialist and... 

Anyway, I've been upset. I've been handling it strangely, with anger. I seldom lash out; I'm a quiet Borderline. Yet my husband's presence yesterday and today -- my mother's too; I snapped at her on Mother's Day-- has quite uncharacteristically irritated me to no end. He has noticed my distance and been especially clingy. And I've been especially snappish and terse. Tonight as my husband sat himself upon my bed, and watched YouTube videos, I tried to mind my own business on my phone, but I could tell he wanted my attention. When he reached over to caress me, I pulled away and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but not tonight. I can't deal with anyone tonight, not even you. Please just go away and leave me alone until further notice." So he abruptly departed, natch. I hope he's not angry with me...

I texted him something along the lines of, "You can text me all you want. I don't mind that.  " 

In almost 8 years of marriage, I've never turned him down to cuddle when we weren't fighting or arguing over a specific issue.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes that is OK. But it's OK to need space you don't have to be defensive about it you can just say, "Look I love you but I am having a really hard time and just need to rest". Maybe you are defensive and snippy because you don't feel you have a right to want to have space. That is probably where your problem is. Next time just tell him you need some time. He will be OK.

I am sorry about your health Ella. Don't give up.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> When he reached over to caress me, I pulled away and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but not tonight. I can't deal with anyone tonight, not even you. Please just go away and leave me alone until further notice." So he abruptly departed, natch. I hope he's not angry with me...
> 
> I texted him something along the lines of, "You can text me all you want. I don't mind that.  "


Were you my wife, you'd have bought yourself a kick to the curb until further notice.

"You can sleep on the porch, I don't mind that".


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Everybody is allowed to have a bad day. Grace is a good thing especially when people are suffering. Her husband will recover from her being a little terse with him, he is a big boy he can handle it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Yes that is OK. But it's OK to need space you don't have to be defensive about it you can just say, "Look I love you but I am having a really hard time and just need to rest". Maybe you are defensive and snippy because you don't feel you have a right to want to have space. That is probably where your problem is. Next time just tell him you need some time. He will be OK.
> 
> I am sorry about your health Ella. Don't give up.





BioFury said:


> Were you my wife, you'd have bought yourself a kick to the curb until further notice.
> 
> "You can sleep on the porch, I don't mind that".


I get both responses.

I believe you can use your space occasionally and I understand not having distance, at least emotional, from your spouse.

Mrs. Conan doesn't get to have her space until I'm convinced we are ok.

It is our dynamic however and may not work with everyone.

I think you were trying to be sweet with your text. Does your husband think you were being sweet?

His point of view is really more important than ours.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> I get both responses.
> 
> I believe you can use your space occasionally and I understand not having distance, at least emotional, from your spouse.
> 
> ...


I think she's just self-absorbed, and was attempting to do damage control. So after conveying to him in no uncertain terms that he's a nuisance, and she doesn't want him anywhere near her, she lets him know that she "doesn't mind" if he sends her text messages?

If your wife said she couldn't be bothered with you, to leave and not come back till she said so, but then generously allowed you to text her, what would you say to that?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BioFury said:


> I think she's just self-absorbed, and was attempting to do damage control. So after conveying to him in no uncertain terms that he's a nuisance, and she doesn't want him anywhere near her, she lets him know that she "doesn't mind" if he sends her text messages?
> 
> If your wife said she couldn't be bothered with you, to leave and not come back till she said so, but then generously allowed you to text her, what would you say to that?


She would get spanked but that is our dynamic.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Everybody is aloud to have a bad day. Grace is a good thing especially when people are suffering. Her husband will recover from her being a little terse with him, he is a big boy he can handle it.


She wasn't "terse". She told him that he was a burden, a nuisance, and that she didn't want him around vexing her with his desire for her companionship. If my wife said that to me, I'd never forget it.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> She would get spanked but that is our dynamic.


I guess we all have our unique trigger points. I'm all for spankings, but I'd be more inclined to toss her onto the front lawn, and never speak to her again, if she conveyed a genuine distaste for my presence.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I think she's just self-absorbed, and was attempting to do damage control. So after conveying to him in no uncertain terms that he's a nuisance, and she doesn't want him anywhere near her, she lets him know that she "doesn't mind" if he sends her text messages?
> 
> If your wife said she couldn't be bothered with you, to leave and not come back till she said so, but then generously allowed you to text her, what would you say to that?


Depends on how she said it. If she said it respectfully like "look I need a break, I will talk to you when I feel better" then I would have no problem with it. If she said it disrespectfully I would call her on it tell her not to talk to me that way, generally make her uncomfortable for saying it that way but ultimately if I saw that she was really having a hard day I would show her some grace and give her some space. 

We have years of both having hard days when we are not on our best, and years of apologizing afterwards and working on it. This kind of think was harder when we first got married, now I can tell when she needs a break. I don't expect my wife to be perfect and I am strong enough to deal with her moods if necessary. Don't get me wrong I would still tell her to cut it out but basically it would be like "You don't need to talk to me that way.", that would be enough to snap her out of it. 

I wouldn't be like, your sleeping in the garage, especially if I knew my wife might be suffering from a potential debilitating disease.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I guess we all have our unique trigger points. I'm all for spankings, but I'd be more inclined to toss her onto the front lawn, and never speak to her again, if she conveyed a genuine distaste for my presence.


Well your wife must be a saint then. Mines not, and that is OK. I'm not either. Frankly I always have liked the fact that my wife is feisty, I can handle it. I guarantee you she doesn't think I am a pushover.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Well your wife must be a saint then. Mines not, and that is OK. I'm not either. Frankly I always have liked the fact that my wife is feisty, I can handle it. I guarantee you she doesn't think I am a pushover.


I can handle feisty. Sharp retorts, sarcastic insults, it's all good. I eat it up.

But communicating a loathing of someone presence, is not feisty. That's antipathy.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

What kind of dietary restrictions were you recommended for autoimmunity? I would think it would have a benefit.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BioFury said:


> I guess we all have our unique trigger points. I'm all for spankings, but I'd be more inclined to toss her onto the front lawn, and never speak to her again, if she conveyed a genuine distaste for my presence.


Mrs. Conan has had some pretty harsh reactions over the nearly 28 years we have been together. She has even marked my left hand with a permanent scar.

We are passionate. Our dynamic works for us but does not for others.

Your dynamic is different. I can't recall but do you have a wife yet?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BioFury said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > I get both responses.
> ...


 And this is why it really is it going to matter what clothes you wear… or what kind of shape you are in


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

sokillme said:


> BioFury said:
> 
> 
> > I guess we all have our unique trigger points. I'm all for spankings, but I'd be more inclined to toss her onto the front lawn, and never speak to her again, if she conveyed a genuine distaste for my presence.
> ...


 He isn't married, surprise surprise.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think it's ok to need some time alone. However, the way you communicated this to your husband was quite harsh and I have no doubt that you probably hurt him. I think you know this too or you wouldn't be here asking about it. 

I think perhaps an apology from you would be a good start. Then a conversation where you discuss your need to be left to yourself for a bit and why. It has nothing to do with him, it's just what you need. Be honest about your reasons. Stress that there will be times you also need him (I hope that's true anyway!) and maybe come up with a better way to communicate when you need some time alone. A quick hug and kiss goodbye as you go off by yourself would help too. 

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. As @OnTheFly mentioned, there are lots of dietary changes that can make a difference with these types of problems. My mother had something similar to you and going gluten free changed her life. Look up leaky gut syndrome...there is tons of information out there. When I first heard about it I thought it was hogwash but it changed my mother's life. She started with a healing diet, cut out gluten, dairy, and some other things. Eventually she added things back in slowly and it turned out it was the gluten that was affecting her. After she'd been gluten free for a couple years she really wanted something that was at a party and said "one serving can't hurt" but she was wrong. She was in pain again for a week. She never ate gluten again. Anyway, it's worth a shot and I mention it just in case you haven't heard of it. 

Sending you lots of healing vibes!!!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It is only OK of you feel it is as you are justifying your reactions to the things that are making you afraid around you, but you know it isn't... listen to self like you are.

To respond instead of react will keep you from pushing your husband away too often... big boy or not, there are only a number of "pushes" we are allowed in our relationships without knowing the counter that tips the scale against us. If we look at every push as the last one allowed, it may look different in how we approach the suffering we face.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BioFury said:


> I guess we all have our unique trigger points. I'm all for spankings, but I'd be more inclined to toss her onto the front lawn, and never speak to her again, if she conveyed a genuine distaste for my presence.


I get both responses, however the real issue is Elle's health issues, let's not forget that.

As a long time married man I can say there are times when every SO is quite "thorny".

There are times when each of us do or say things within our boundaries that we still feel the need to apologize later.

And, certainly there are times when we each feel we are owed an apology, and have to wait and see.

A quick acknowledgment to hubby that it wasn't him, you spoke too quick without thinking and the texting comment was just as bad if not worse. 

Just a speed bump. You have to remember H is worried about you, too, his love and life partner.

Show him some true compassion. It'll be ok.

The fact you're worrying about this is a good sign. I'd be worried if you blew the whole thing off as H just being "too sensitive".

This is kind if a case in point of double standard applied to men by women:

Many women want a man "to be sensitive" until his "showing he's a little sensitive" is inconvenient for the woman, then she wants him to just "suck it up".

A teachable moment, no ? 🙂🙂
(please, no dart throwing) 😎😎

But, the most important thing here is your health. 

Sincerely hope Drs get to the bottom of things, and it's not anything that isn't a straightforward fix.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry to hear your update, Ella. I take it you don't have medical insurance? 

There are wonderful groups online these days that can help you find ways to temper the disease.

As for your husband, of course he was hurt; it's human nature. What's needed is an honest apology from you, a hug, AND an explanation of everything that happened to you in the last 4 days and your engulfment in the extremity of it all. Let him be your sidekick on this, ok? Let him in, let him know your fears; don't shut him out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ella, why arent you treating your condition? There are several meds out there that could help you immensely. Also programs available to help you pay for those drugs. Please help yourself and look into this.


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## Why Bother (Apr 26, 2019)

I have Lupus and connective tissue disease. When you are trying to find out what is wrong with your health and the professionals are hitting a brick wall you want to close off to the world. I know when I was going through the testing it took years for them to find out what all I did have medically. Added the,stress of medical bills, a job and even kids is a lot. I can say I hated my body for failing and not knowing why. Auto immune diseases are very difficult to diagnose. If the testing isnt done precisely when there is a flare everything comes back normal. You know things are not normal. ANA testing can be tricky. So here a woman most the time not taken seriously by medical professionals is expressing what is happening and then a test says normal you get treated like you are a hypochondriac or are making yourself sick. 

I can see where it might be easier to push a spouse away when you are getting the treatment of not being able to find out what is wrong with you. Most of the time someone with lupus and connective tissue are seen by family as being lazy.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Mrs. Conan has had some pretty harsh reactions over the nearly 28 years we have been together. She has even marked my left hand with a permanent scar.
> 
> We are passionate. Our dynamic works for us but does not for others.
> 
> Your dynamic is different. I can't recall but do you have a wife yet?


No, I'm single. *insert POI saying "surprise!" *

Perhaps my reaction was over-the-top. But my particular sensitivity from childhood, is being a nuisance to those I loved, and thought loved me. So if my wife voiced something like Ella did (a candid distaste for my presence), she would see another side of me.



personofinterest said:


> And this is why it really is it going to matter what clothes you wear… or what kind of shape you are in


Uh huh. If I had told my GF to get lost like Ella did her husband, you'd be telling me how big of a douche I am. Yet when it's Ella who made such cold-blooded statements, _I'm_ suddenly the douche for pointing out how uncalled for, and hurtful, they were.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

[small threadjack]
@BioFury, 

I'm not sure if you understand or remember, but @EllaSuaveterre has been here on TAM before and those of us who wrote to her then remember that she is a person who is less on the "logic and thinker" personality side and moreso on the "feeler and emotional" personality side. As a feeler my own self, I know there are times when the feelings just boil over kind of like when a pan on the stove boils over and spills everywhere. That's not to say it's an ideal thing, but just to recognize that's what happens sometimes. I, myself, have spent time trying to learn more about being logical and developing my thinker side, but I can say that for me, when the feeler side kicks in strongly, very often the more logical stuff flies out the window as if that side of my brain just is turned off. I've learned to recognize when I'm like that, discipline myself to NOT make any decisions while in that state, and say to someone who's in my space "I am having some strong emotions now and would ask for a minute until my thinker brain can turn on" and then guess at how long I think that might be. 

If YOU wrote this kind of post (Is it okay....) I might respond to you entirely differently than I'd respond to @EllaSuaveterre, because YOU aren't HER. But since SHE is asking this, I plan to respond to what I think she's asking...not what would be right for you, or me, or any other poster. 

[/small threadjack]

@EllaSuaveterre, 

Thanks for letting me use your thread to write to someone else. I will only write to you on this thread from now on, okay? As a person who also has an autoimmune disease and also went through the whole "Is it lupus?" testing and being told everything is normal when clearly it isn't, I am so sorry to hear you are struggling with this. I bet it feels so tiring and mentally exhausting, not to mention physically! Having BTDT let me just say now that I believe you and I encourage you to keep advocating for yourself until you believe they have found the right diagnosis to treat you. NO ONE knows yourself and your body like you do, so even when it's discouraging, remember that YOU know you!

Regarding your question, "Is it okay?" I don't think I want to answer whether * I * think it's okay or not. I'm not you. I think I'd like to help you decide if YOU think it was okay or not. I suspect you may have a little voice inside your head telling you something, and you're wondering if your voice is out of line or reasonable. Well...what if the roles were reversed? Would you be okay with being treated that way? What if that was the last thing you ever said to him--would you look back on it with comfort and peace about having said that, or would you look back on it with regret? Is what you said and the way you acted the kind of woman you aspire to be? All of us are kind of working on growing and maturing and being better people and partners, and sometimes we hit the mark and sometimes we miss it, but the goal is to keep making serious effort at being the person we aspire to be...be who you CAN be. Right? 

So if you look at these kinds of questions and think "Yeah I'm okay with it if the roles were reversed. Yeah I think I could deal with it if he treated me like that. If those were our last words, I'd look back with assurance he knew he was loved. I was being the person I hope to be" then you're good, and if your voice is telling you otherwise, you can ignore it! LOL Or at least tell it that it's talking nonsense!  But if you look at those questions and think "Huh...if he treated me the way I treated him, I'd be hurt and probably cry. If those were our last words I'd regret it as long as I live. I was not being the way I want to be" then inside yourself you think it's not okay; you missed the mark, and if your voice is telling you that, it's because your voice is on the mark! Listen to it. 

See...here's the thing. When a person is hungry or tired or sick-n-tired of being sick and tired, we all snap. We all get grouchy when our hearts still feel love but we aren't at our best. So when you snap, what do you do? Do you blame others or justify being Oscar the Grouch? Nope. You look at the lady in the mirror and say "Well...that was on me. I was snarky and I'm personally responsible for my choices." Then you apologize and ask for forgiveness.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BioFury said:


> So if my wife voiced something like Ella did (a candid distaste for my presence), she would see another side of me.


It sounds like you don't have much of an EQ - Emotional Quotient. The ability to see a person do something and innately understand WHY they're doing it and what they seem to be feeling, nor be able to feel compassion for them. When someone reacts that way to me my first thought is 'they're suffering' and I want to know why, and what I can do to help. You may want to look into this aspect of you; it will help you a lot in the long run, especially if you're ever considering getting into a relationship. No person's story is ever just black and white.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

turnera said:


> It sounds like you don't have much of an EQ - Emotional Quotient. The ability to see a person do something and innately understand WHY they're doing it and what they seem to be feeling, nor be able to feel compassion for them. When someone reacts that way to me my first thought is 'they're suffering' and I want to know why, and what I can do to help. You may want to look into this aspect of you; it will help you a lot in the long run, especially if you're ever considering getting into a relationship. No person's story is ever just black and white.


Eh...as long as she likes sex, says yes sir, and doesn't wear yoga pants lol

OP, I would suggest sitting down with your husband, apologizing sincerely for the WAY you asked for space, and ask him to help you as you go through the treatment and diagnosis. And remember, lupus IS a disease. It requires legitimate medical intervention.

I know that sensory overload, fatigue, and body-wide pain are all a part of lupus, and those things absolutely, scientifically affect mood and tolerance to outside stimulus.

I hope that you can find a good treatment to help.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> She would get spanked but that is our dynamic.


Does your wife spank you when you do something wrong?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SecondWind said:


> Does your wife spank you when you do something wrong?


Nope.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> "Listen, I'm sorry, but not tonight. I can't deal with anyone tonight, not even you. Please just go away and leave me alone until further notice." So he abruptly departed, natch. I hope he's not angry with me...
> 
> I texted him something along the lines of, "You can text me all you want. I don't mind that.  "
> 
> In almost 8 years of marriage, I've never turned him down to cuddle when we weren't fighting or arguing over a specific issue.


Ouch. On the one hand, sure, you can say the illness created this reaction. But he's been there with you the whole time right? If he's been dismissive of you pain and your trials, sure, maybe it all adds up and comes out like this in a way that could make sense. But if he's been there for you, trying to help, and you shut him out completely, yes, that could be devastating, the sort of thing that could cause him to re-write the past and wonder how long you've been feeling like this towards him. 

I would not just apologize, but consider asking him if he thought you'd ever reacted like that before. Make real sure you know his point of reference, his frame of mind on this. Assuming you don't actually feel he's the problem, you need to work out a way to make him feel like he's part of the solution and re-engage him. 

Don't let time go by before addressing this. Words like that could really tear some guys apart.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

turnera said:


> It sounds like you don't have much of an EQ - Emotional Quotient. The ability to see a person do something and innately understand WHY they're doing it and what they seem to be feeling, nor be able to feel compassion for them. When someone reacts that way to me my first thought is 'they're suffering' and I want to know why, and what I can do to help. You may want to look into this aspect of you; it will help you a lot in the long run, especially if you're ever considering getting into a relationship. No person's story is ever just black and white.


I understand what Ella is feeling. I comprehend that what was said was voiced out of frustration, but that changes little. I'm a believer in the phrase "drunk words are sober thoughts", and I think the same applies to angry words.

Everyone may need time out at some point. The issue, for me, isn't that she voiced a need for time out, or even that she voiced it in a terse way. It's that beneath her request for a time out, was a loathing for him as a person in general. That she views him not as a safe harbor, a comforter, or a pillar for her to lean on - but as a liability, and a nuisance. One that she is usually equipped to "deal with", but not right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loathing for him? Come on. Assuming much?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

BioFury said:


> I understand what Ella is feeling. I comprehend that what was said was voiced out of frustration, but that changes little. I'm a believer in the phrase "drunk words are sober thoughts", and I think the same applies to angry words.
> 
> Everyone may need time out at some point. The issue, for me, isn't that she voiced a need for time out, or even that she voiced it in a terse way. It's that beneath her request for a time out, was a loathing for him as a person in general. That she views him not as a safe harbor, a comforter, or a pillar for her to lean on - but as a liability, and a nuisance. One that she is usually equipped to "deal with", but not right now.


WHAT???

Have you ever read any other thread I've made? I mean, come on! He is my provider, protector, caretaker, best friend, soul mate, and more. He's been incredibly supportive, better than I had anticipated. 
I'd never think of him as a nuisance. At least, not him specifically. If it had been my parents or anyone else, I'd have said the same thing to them.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> WHAT???
> 
> Have you ever read any other thread I've made? I mean, come on! He is my provider, protector, caretaker, best friend, soul mate, and more. He's been incredibly supportive, better than I had anticipated.
> I'd never think of him as a nuisance. At least, not him specifically. If it had been my parents or anyone else, I'd have said the same thing to them.



_"If they love you like they say, then they wouldn't treat you like they do" - Unknown_​

I'll rephrase. You _treated him like_ a nuisance, and spoke to him like an irritating toddler. If that's not what he is to you, then you should ask yourself why you would ever treat him as though he is. Actions speak louder than words.

If you want to make it up to him, then you owe him a heartfelt apology, along with copious amounts of whatever he craves - favorite food, crazy sex, lingerie, cuddles... all of the above. And never saying such things ever again, goes without saying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Affaircare;19872901
I'm not sure if you understand or remember said:


> @EllaSuaveterre[/USER] has been here on TAM before and those of us who wrote to her then remember that *she is a person who is less on the "logic and thinker" personality side and moreso on the "feeler and emotional" personality side.* As a feeler my own self, I know there are times when the feelings just boil over kind of like when a pan on the stove boils over and spills everywhere. That's not to say it's an ideal thing, but just to recognize that's what happens sometimes. I, myself, have spent time trying to learn more about being logical and developing my thinker side, but I can say that for me, when the feeler side kicks in strongly, very often the more logical stuff flies out the window as if that side of my brain just is turned off. I've learned to recognize when I'm like that, discipline myself to NOT make any decisions while in that state, and say to someone who's in my space "I am having some strong emotions now and would ask for a minute until my thinker brain can turn on" and then guess at how long I think that might be.


This..
And more.

Ella is made of thin crystal. She is very brittle.

And if you rub her just so, she sings, as does a champagne glass whose rim is rubbed with a damp finger tip.

Fragile and vibrating tense is her descriptive. Hardy and tough her antonym. 

Leave her be.

I am so sorry.





[THM]- The Typist I


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

SunCMars said:


> This..
> And more.
> 
> Ella is made of thin crystal. She is very brittle.
> ...


Crispy ****ing Christ on a stick...

I actually like one of your posts.

...
....

.......

**** me.........


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> Eh...as long as she likes sex, says yes sir, and doesn't wear yoga pants lol


Well my husband has 1/3 lol...I love sex, will never say yes sir to him and I wear yoga pants :rofl:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Eh...as long as she likes sex, says yes sir, and doesn't wear yoga pants lol


Her wearing yoga pants is fine. Though she won't be wearing them for very long :grin2: Or out in public


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

So first, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't deal with anyone right now, not even you," while trying to cope with a potentially life-limiting illness is a crime against humanity, and then married women can't wear yoga pants in public? The last guy knew who needed to control his women's clothing choices so stringently tried to kidnap me.

Meanwhile, my husband has forgiven me, and things are... well, they are far from normal. I'm having some incredibly scary setbacks and I need to see a specialist as soon as possible. I'm calling again tomorrow. But I digress; the point is that things are as normal as they can possibly be. Because of my current treatment regimen which is doing little to nothing for me, I've been having a sharp increase in anxiety and mood swings, in addition to myriad physical symptoms which are too numerous to list. I told him yesterday that I apologize in advance, that I'll try to keep my emotions under control but I doubt I will do so flawlessly. He seemed to accept this.

He hasn't necessarily been any less loving since yesterday; we both tend to withdraw in times of trial and so have been naturally seeking solace in solitude.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

turnera said:


> Loathing for him? Come on. Assuming much?


 Exactly. This extreme black-and-white over the top stuff doesn't work in an actual marriage. It's like that middle aged hipster who never had a kids telling everyone with toddlers how it ought to be done. Give me a break.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BioFury said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Eh...as long as she likes sex, says yes sir, and doesn't wear yoga pants lol
> ...


 Honestly, I hope she doesn't exist. If she does exist I already feel really really sorry for her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> So first, saying, "I'm sorry, I can't deal with anyone right now, not even you," while trying to cope with a potentially life-limiting illness is a crime against humanity, and then married women can't wear yoga pants in public? The last guy knew who needed to control his women's clothing choices so stringently tried to kidnap me.


Ella, you *don't* need to defend yourself to those who think the damned sky is falling just because the load you're carrying on your shoulders became unbearable and you temporarily lashed out at your husband in frustration. Jeez, the last time I looked, that's NOT an offense punishable by death. 

I just wanted to let you know I'm sending my prayers for better health for you and happier times for the both of you in the days ahead. :x


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

personofinterest said:


> Honestly, I hope she doesn't exist. If she does exist I already feel really really sorry for her.


You shouldn't. She'll be a very happy woman :smile2:

Merely because you wouldn't be happy not being able to wear yoga pants in public, doesn't mean there aren't scores of women who wouldn't even consider doing so. And would be perfectly happy with a husband who wasn't ok with it.

To me, you sound like the men you undoubtedly ran into when you were saving yourself for marriage. "I feel sorry for whoever you end up with. Won't put out at all". Or "Much luck finding a man who doesn't want sex!".

Yeah. Pretty rad comments, eh?


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

EllaSuaveterre, while you were harsh, you have been more physically ill lately than you usually have been. Your text seemed to be your way to soften your side of things.

Have you just outright apologized and had makeup sex? He is a softie for you, and you love him. People make mistakes when they aren't feeling well and it isn't the end of the world. Your husband sounds like he understands that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Well my husband has 1/3 lol...I love sex, will never say yes sir to him and I wear yoga pants :rofl:


Mmmm. You had me at yoga pants!:grin2:


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I've had a very stressful past 9 months or so. I've had grave complications with my health-- possibly lupus or undifferentiated connective tissue disorder. My rheumatologist has no idea what do do and so I am left with medical cannabis as a palliative as whatever is causing my body to destroy itself continues unabated. The odds for untreated lupus and similar autoimmune disorders are rather poor, so it's been difficult few months to say the least. It came to a head on Saturday when, at what was essentially a LARP ball, in full princess costume/regalia, I severely overtaxed myself, embarrassed myself in public, and came within a hair's breadth of publicly fainting. Furthermore, even the cannabis is starting to reveal worrisome side effects and I need to somehow save money for a different specialist and...
> 
> Anyway, I've been upset. I've been handling it strangely, with anger. I seldom lash out; I'm a quiet Borderline. Yet my husband's presence yesterday and today -- my mother's too; I snapped at her on Mother's Day-- has quite uncharacteristically irritated me to no end. He has noticed my distance and been especially clingy. And I've been especially snappish and terse. Tonight as my husband sat himself upon my bed, and watched YouTube videos, I tried to mind my own business on my phone, but I could tell he wanted my attention. When he reached over to caress me, I pulled away and said, "Listen, I'm sorry, but not tonight. I can't deal with anyone tonight, not even you. Please just go away and leave me alone until further notice." So he abruptly departed, natch. I hope he's not angry with me...
> 
> ...


I think you were being Authoritative, tyrannical and just down right rude in regards to your husbands emotional needs why he was trying to be supportive. You sure you took the princess tiara after the LARP ball? I feel, and i think someone said already if the gender/roles were switched you would have gotten a lot less softball responses in how to handle this. 

1) Your medical condition's don't justify your behavior. Sounds like you know how this affects you, and have plenty of examples of you losing it and you could have learned from it, but yet you haven't corrected *YOURSELF* internally. 
2) "upon *MY* bed" if its both of your bed. This speaks volumes of your psyche because of the possession implied
3) " Please just go away and leave me alone until further notice." Essentially this part of your statement is the *WHOLE* reason of this thread on whether it was okay or not. Could of just said I need to be alone for awhile. Instead you dismissed and essentially *banished* him as he wasn't allowed any of *YOU* till you said other wise.
4) in 8 years in the relationship hes probably always been this way when you withdraw. Cat and mouse behavior. *HIS BEHAVIOR* was normal for you guys. 
5) you then have the *AUDACITY * after telling him to *LEAVE YOU ALONE TILL FURTHER NOTICE* to text him and say you can text me all you want.... winky face. LMFAO.

You acted like an ENTITLED PRINCESS, you're on here trying to alleviate your GUILT unless he said something that prompted this.... then its SHAME. You're asking the question because you know your behavior wasn't acceptable. 

If your husband has posted this from your point of view, this is the tone he would have gotten from everyone. TAM tends to be soft on the ladies. I've seen people in other threads say he's cheating on you when a women has circumstantial evidence and the same people tell a man in a different thread that you cant jump to conclusions. The follow up with the standard bust you SO other starter kit advice.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I understand that you are feeling like crap at the moment, likely in pain and like a wet rag, you still owe your husband an apology. This is just as stressful for him as it is for you.

Don't beat yourself up over it, we've all snapped in the moment, as long as you apologise and are sincere about it, he'll be fine.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Zodiac said:


> I think you were being Authoritative, tyrannical and just down right rude in regards to your husbands emotional needs why he was trying to be supportive. You sure you took the princess tiara after the LARP ball? I feel, and i think someone said already if the gender/roles were switched you would have gotten a lot less softball responses in how to handle this.
> 
> 1) Your medical condition's don't justify your behavior. Sounds like you know how this affects you, and have plenty of examples of you losing it and you could have learned from it, but yet you haven't corrected *YOURSELF* internally.
> 2) "upon *MY* bed" if its both of your bed. This speaks volumes of your psyche because of the possession implied
> ...


Whoa, oh my goodness. I thought all I said was , "I need to be alone for a while." I literally do not understand the difference in meaning between the two phrases, "I need to be alone for a while." and "Leave me alone for a while, please" except that one is kind of implying that you need them to leave and the other is stating it outright. Isn't it generally better, in relationships, to state things outright? It was truly the furthest thing from my intention to hurt him, and yes, I was trying to smooth things over with the text. I was trying to say, "It's not YOU I'm overwhelmed with; I like your company but I want be physically apart from people right now." I was trying to not shut him out all the way, to let him in to whatever degree I felt I could at the moment. Mr. Suaveterre understood this, thankfully, and has been extremely kind about it all. I apologized in case I hurt him, though he never said he was hurt. He said he forgave me and all's well now, I think.

Meanwhile, I have my own bed. We have the master bed that we share, but I've got my own bed and bedroom too. Since I took sick in October we've moved to a new place with better accommodations, including ramps for my CP and a sickroom off to the side with my own bed and medical supplies and clean linens, etc., because I'm kept awake with pain and fever most nights, so I want to have a space where I can watch late-night movies, do treatments, get up and have tea and all that without disturbing my husband's sleep, of which he doesn't get enough.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Whoa, oh my goodness. I thought all I said was , "I need to be alone for a while." I literally do not understand the difference in meaning between the two phrases, "I need to be alone for a while." and "Leave me alone for a while, please" except that one is kind of implying that you need them to leave and the other is stating it outright. Isn't it generally better, in relationships, to state things outright? It was truly the furthest thing from my intention to hurt him, and yes, I was trying to smooth things over with the text. I was trying to say, "It's not YOU I'm overwhelmed with; I like your company but I want be physically apart from people right now." I was trying to not shut him out all the way, to let him in to whatever degree I felt I could at the moment. Mr. Suaveterre understood this, thankfully, and has been extremely kind about it all. I apologized in case I hurt him, though he never said he was hurt. He said he forgave me and all's well now, I think.
> 
> Meanwhile, I have my own bed. We have the master bed that we share, but I've got my own bed and bedroom too. Since I took sick in October we've moved to a new place with better accommodations, including ramps for my CP and a sickroom off to the side with my own bed and medical supplies and clean linens, etc., because I'm kept awake with pain and fever most nights, so I want to have a space where I can watch late-night movies, do treatments, get up and have tea and all that without disturbing my husband's sleep, of which he doesn't get enough.


"I need to be alone for a while" and "Leave me alone for a while, please", aren't even close to what you said. I realize it can be difficult to articulate things in an accurate and kind way when you're upset, or hurting. Sometimes it's easier to not say anything at all. Take a minute to do some deep breathing, then respond.

I trust you've done something beyond apologizing to heal the bruise?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BioFury said:


> EllaSuaveterre said:
> 
> 
> > Whoa, oh my goodness. I thought all I said was , "I need to be alone for a while." I literally do not understand the difference in meaning between the two phrases, "I need to be alone for a while." and "Leave me alone for a while, please" except that one is kind of implying that you need them to leave and the other is stating it outright. Isn't it generally better, in relationships, to state things outright? It was truly the furthest thing from my intention to hurt him, and yes, I was trying to smooth things over with the text. I was trying to say, "It's not YOU I'm overwhelmed with; I like your company but I want be physically apart from people right now." I was trying to not shut him out all the way, to let him in to whatever degree I felt I could at the moment. Mr. Suaveterre understood this, thankfully, and has been extremely kind about it all. I apologized in case I hurt him, though he never said he was hurt. He said he forgave me and all's well now, I think.
> ...


FFS @BioFury, What else is she supposed to do? Self flagellate while she mumbles 'mea culpa'?

She already said she apologized and her husband accepted it. That's the end of this episode ladies and gentlemen.
@EllaSuaveterre, only you and your spouse know your situation. If your husband accepted your apology, then take that as a win. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Be good to each other.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

It's a strange and infuriating habit of mine, as annoying as it is ironic. Despite being a writer and being intimately familiar with connotations, word choice, etc., I often get myself into these predicaments where I say something, then someone is offended, and it takes me another week of mulling it over to figure out why. It's the distance that helps. 

And as to reclamation, I take it you mean aside from the obvious? Yes, I bought him his favorite chocolates from England.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lila said:


> FFS @BioFury, What else is she supposed to do? Self flagellate while she mumbles 'mea culpa'?


Screwing his brains out wouldn't hurt, cuddling with him every night since he seems to like that. Making him his favorite meals, buying more of whatever lingerie he loves (and wearing them, of course), being kind and caring towards him... This isn't rocket science.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> And as to reclamation, I take it you mean aside from the obvious? Yes, I bought him his favorite chocolates from England.


Just to be sure we're on the same page here, by "the obvious", you're referring to lots of sex? Or are you referring to an apology?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BioFury said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > FFS @BioFury, What else is she supposed to do? Self flagellate while she mumbles 'mea culpa'?
> ...


And she's already said she has shown him kindness and caring with gestures of significance to him. 

Just because you resolve disagreements with sex doesn't mean other people do so as well.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

The poor woman is scared ****less and struggling for her survival. I would have to cut her a lot of slack.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Screwing his brains out wouldn't hurt, cuddling with him every night since he seems to like that. Making him his favorite meals, buying more of whatever lingerie he loves (and wearing them, of course), being kind and caring towards him... This isn't rocket science.


Dear god, she snapped at him in a moment of anger - she didn't kill his dog.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Lila said:


> And she's already said she has shown him kindness and caring with gestures of significance to him.
> 
> Just because you resolve disagreements with sex doesn't mean other people do so as well.


I didn't say sex solved everything. There were several other things on the list.

They're just recommendations. She's free to ignore them, or apply them, as she sees fit. Goodness.



Cletus said:


> Dear god, she snapped at him in a moment of anger - she didn't kill his dog.


*shrug* I think her actions went well beyond snapping. She said she couldn't "deal with" him - thus implying that she views him as a chore, or unpleasant individual. Similar to how a retail employee might say they have to go "deal with" an unruly customer. She then drove that home with telling him to leave and not come back, but that she was ok with him texting her.

But it may just be me. We all have our buttons.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@BioFury

You may be trying to learn and I respect that but maybe you could ask more questions instead of coming off as trying to give advice on this one.

How long have you been married?

Keep things in perspective.

I've been with my lady for almost 28 years and married almost 24.

We been through some things.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> @BioFury
> 
> You may be trying to learn and I respect that but maybe you could ask more questions instead of coming off as trying to give advice on this one.
> 
> ...


While I've never been married, I have been in LTR's. So relationship dynamics are not entirely foreign to me. But yes, I'm primarily here to learn, though I have been known to express an opinion from time to time. I'm certainly not the wisest person here, but I try :grin2:

But, as I've said, I may be over-reacting. The way she phrased her statements found the gap. I confess I don't recall the details, but you made a post a long while ago about your "hot button" issues that revolved around your mother. If a partner in some way pressed those buttons, then you would likely "over react" - or at least, it would appear that way to an outsider.

My "hot button" from childhood, is being a nuisance to the people I cherish. So when I hear a woman voicing distaste for her husband in such a way... it strikes me as particularly truculent. Perhaps I was a bit too zealous, though I stand by the thoughts I expressed. I still think her statements were awful things to say, and that they deserved more than an apology. But I think what put it over the edge for me, was her apparent lack of comprehension over what she had done. She didn't express "I did something awful, please help me fix it". It was more like "I told my husband to jump off a cliff. That's ok right? I hope he's not angry about it". She didn't seem to think that anything was amiss. But perhaps I completely misunderstood her vibe. If so, I apologize.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

BioFury said:


> ConanHub said:
> 
> 
> > @BioFury
> ...


It's okay to be triggered. The key is to know that when it happens, it's best to walk away. Doubling down on triggered advice is not beneficial to the OP or to the triggered individual.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> It's okay to be triggered. The key is to know that when it happens, it's best to walk away. Doubling down on triggered advice is not beneficial to the OP or to the triggered individual.


Like old Conan for example? Have to agree. I haven't given the best thought out points when one of my buttons gets pushed. Lol!>


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > It's okay to be triggered. The key is to know that when it happens, it's best to walk away. Doubling down on triggered advice is not beneficial to the OP or to the triggered individual.
> ...


True, but what makes you different is that you're also the first to admit you triggered and are quick to apologize for any misunderstandings. Humility is an amazing quality. I wish I had more it. Pride comes before the fall and damned if I don't keep falling. 😉.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

BioFury said:


> Screwing his brains out wouldn't hurt, cuddling with him every night since he seems to like that. Making him his favorite meals, buying more of whatever lingerie he loves (and wearing them, of course), being kind and caring towards him... This isn't rocket science.


What part of she's very very ill did you miss? I'm hard pressed to think she can "screw his brains out" or make his favorite meals right now.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Whoa, oh my goodness. I thought all I said was , "I need to be alone for a while." I literally do not understand the difference in meaning between the two phrases, "I need to be alone for a while." and "Leave me alone for a while, please" except that one is kind of implying that you need them to leave and the other is stating it outright. Isn't it generally better, in relationships, to state things outright? It was truly the furthest thing from my intention to hurt him, and yes, I was trying to smooth things over with the text. I was trying to say, "It's not YOU I'm overwhelmed with; I like your company but I want be physically apart from people right now." I was trying to not shut him out all the way, to let him in to whatever degree I felt I could at the moment. Mr. Suaveterre understood this, thankfully, and has been extremely kind about it all. I apologized in case I hurt him, though he never said he was hurt. He said he forgave me and all's well now, I think.
> 
> Meanwhile, I have my own bed. We have the master bed that we share, but I've got my own bed and bedroom too. Since I took sick in October we've moved to a new place with better accommodations, including ramps for my CP and a sickroom off to the side with my own bed and medical supplies and clean linens, etc., because I'm kept awake with pain and fever most nights, so I want to have a space where I can watch late-night movies, do treatments, get up and have tea and all that without disturbing my husband's sleep, of which he doesn't get enough.


"I need to be alone" is an individual expression and manifestation of your internal needs outward.

"Leave me alone" implies a dismissive quality and external issue.

The difference is tone and implication of the issue, and 85% of what we say isn't what we want, but how we express it. 

DOES your husband know that you internalize that room as *YOURS* and it's a sanctuary/safe place as your behavior has indicated, because; Your explanation is about giving you a place _*AWAY/RETREAT*_ from your husband so he isn't overly affected by your illness during off hours or to be a _*BURDEN*_ to him. In which case him going in there was *HIM* showing you that you're not a _*BURDEN*_ and didn't need to_* CARE TAKE*_ his feelings and he was there for you.

I think your initial concern should have been _*HOW*_ do i express to my husband my need for alone time when I want it, and not hurt his feelings; because, X just happened, and not a statement that essentially was for you to justify or alleviate your concerns. This statement implies ownership of your actions. 

Since you're a borderline, you know that you have to constantly monitor your behavior to avoid thinking someone wants to abandon you and self fulfilled prophecy of being abandoned through your behavior.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

Zodiac said:


> "I need to be alone" is an individual expression and manifestation of your internal needs outward.
> 
> "Leave me alone" implies a dismissive quality and external issue.
> 
> ...


Ok, since you formatted the ever-loving **** out of the rest of your post ( I never do that ):

She explained why she has a separate room; she has spotty sleep, and will keep her husband up in their bed. That night was a terrible night for anything, well, anything. Pain, and the frustration that comes with chronic pain. Have you ever been frustrated? Have you ever taken it out on whoever was near to you? If not, I venerate you Saint Teresa.

I will tell you, that when a person is in the middle of a pain episode, any physical touch, no matter how well meaning, can feel almost like an assault. Explanations of why you feel this way are secondary, if at all.

If a marriage can't survive some ****-talk from one spouse to the other - especially during distress - followed by an apology, well like I've said before, "Some people have no business getting married."

But, hey - my two cents.


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