# I cant take it anymore



## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

My husband has some anger management issues, and on top of that we are having problems in our marriage..... I am at my wits end. The anger has been a problem for awhile, but he has been working on it. It kind of goes in cycles. He will be calm for a month of two, and then it all comes at once. He was on Paxil for a bit, but he didnt like that he was gaining weight so he stopped. He has been in therapy in the past, but not currently.

We have been married for 1.5 yrs, together for 4. He gets angry about the most DUMB things, I am sure partially because he is unhappy. We are not having much sex- about once a week- but I have NO DESIRE. He acts like a child, and I find it so unattractive. I feel like the only adult in the relationship and its like I'm trying to rationalize with someone who is so beyond irrational, its not even worth my time. When I finally get in the mood for sex, he usually ends up throwing a fit and my desire is once again squashed. I saw the anger a little bit in the beginning of our relationship, but not full blown. I will give you a couple of examples.

Example 1: This evening I was eating pasta downstairs and he was upstairs on the computer. He started yelling down at me, "GODDAM IT! What's the matter, why are you making all of that noise?" very angrily. I was making noise by hitting my fork on the side of the bowl while eating my dinner. I learned to ignore him and not yell back as I end up stooping down to his immature level. Ten minutes later, he storms down the stairs and yells at me, "SO F*CKIN ANNOYING. UNBELIEVABLE." I put the bowl down to pick up a phone call, which happened to be my father, and he is still cursing and yelling from upstairs about how annoying the noise was from the pasta bowl. Mind you, I WAS NOT LOUD, but even if I was------- not acceptable.

Example 2: I accidentally locked the door when runnning out for errands and he was out walking our dog with no keys. I had forgotten that he didnt have his keys. Yes- very annoying for him- but an honest mistake on my part. I get a call from him cursing at me, yelling at the top of his lungs, "I TOLD YOU I WAS F*CKING GOING OUT AND NOT TAKING MY KEYS. WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU LOCK THE DOOR!" I was 5 minutes away, not 40, so it wasnt a big deal for me to run home.

I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I feel like a doormat. I probably have been one to some extent because this is still going on and I'm still in the marriage. I used to yell back and rationalize, but once again, its like I'm arguing with a child. Now I just kind of ignore it and dont let him fire me up, so he looks like the idiot for being a raving lunatic. I just dont know what to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RachelLaura said:


> He started yelling down at me, "GODDAM IT! What's the matter, why are you making all of that noise?" very angrily. I was making noise by hitting my fork on the side of the bowl while eating my dinner. I learned to ignore him and not yell back as I end up stooping down to his immature level. Ten minutes later, he storms down the stairs and yells at me, "SO F*CKIN ANNOYING. UNBELIEVABLE."


sounds exactly like something i would do. 

these situations are really complicated. i have a temper too and your description of your H fits me perfectly. i can be so immature and irrational. lack of sex really magnifies it. 

now that i dont hate my H so much i take it out on him less and less. learning about boundaries really helped also. for awhile i really didnt see him as anything more then a tool to make me happy. if he wasnt making me happy then i didnt even take a second thought to use him as a punching bag. 

if you have some stern consequences i think he'll change his behavior. one of them being leaving.


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## Too Curious (Oct 19, 2010)

I am a husband and act same to your husband. However, I try to not be angry from small things. Wife makes lots of mistakes at home and do not care. I know yelling and curing will not solve the problem. I keep my angry inside heart.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Your relationship sounds like my parents' marriage, I'm pretty sure my father suffered from PTSD as a result of his literally heroic service in WW II with the Marines in the Pacific. My wife's parents probably worse. I once asked my late mother about their arguing, even in her 80s she said they argued because they really liked making up later that night. Seems I come by my high libido from both sides of the family.

W and I hate arguing, especially about small mistakes, decided when we were starting off that mistakes get mistake kisses, not an argument. It is kind of hard to be angry when your lover is kissing you.

Admittedly I'll blow up from time to time, very infrequently, I think about ten times in 26 years, when w has gone way too far - not by making a mistake - but by demonstrating a complete lack of respect for me, my opinion, my needs.

This approach worked for the better part of 24 years, now after 2+ years of her depression and rejection I'm giving up and moving out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your problem is not his anger, it's you tolerating it. He has no consequences. Tell him that you will no longer participate in this marriage when he raises his voice or insults you. You will leave the room, the house, or the marriage if it continues. Keep your keys in your pocket at all times, and your purse near the door. The instant he raises his voice, you leave. Come back 2 hours later. If he's waiting for you, to yell again, turn back around and leave again. And again. This is no different from putting a stubborn child in the time out corner: no matter how many times he gets out of the corner, you have to put him back there, to show him what his consequence is; eventually, he will tire out and just stay in the corner and concede you have the right to put him there.


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## RachelLaura (Dec 15, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. I feel like we have been going around in circles forever, but we had another fight last night and I think I finally got through to him.

Last night he stubbed his toe on my hamper, and instead of saying "Ouch", proceeded to pick up my nice wicker hamper, lift it high in the air, and slam it down on the ground. He did it three times. My clothes were everywhere, and he didnt bother to clean anything up.

Being that it was 11pm, I didnt leave the house, but I left the room and went into our 2nd bedroom for the night. He kept trying to come in and apologize.

I told him I will not be in a marriage where he resorts to anger to solve his problems and I will not raise children with him. He keeps saying he will be more calm once we have kids- he wants kids so badly. I do too. But I told him I have seen no indication that he cant resolve problems without anger. 

He agreed to see a therapist, and we are going to look into one together tonight....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yay! See, the boundaries work!


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## Buzz (Sep 30, 2010)

I don't think having children is going to calm him down. The stress of raising a child will probably increase his anger and rage. It would be best to work on your relationship first. There is a good book on boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.


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