# Husband Jealous of Time spent with our children



## Hughsfmly (Nov 7, 2013)

My husband and I have had our share of ups and downs over our 18 years of marriage (we've been together for 22 years). We have four children from ages 16-6, so of course, I'm a busy mother. We've both made mistakes as most couples do; we've been through counseling, been separated, almost divorced once during his mid-life crisis; but we've always come back to the fact that we couldn't live without each other. 
About a year ago, we moved as he found a new job in a different state. His new job is wonderful--he has more time off to enjoy life than he has ever had in the past, and we've been able to bond with each other through hiking and other outdoor activities. But, he's jealous of our time. If our kids have something (school activity, etc.) that might interfere with our hiking, he gets sulky. Recently, our 15 year old son with Asperger's has been bullied at school. After meetings with administrators, etc., my husband and I mutually agreed to home school him (it was actually his idea). As always, I took the problem head on. My husband, however, is now not so sure we did the right thing. After talking to him in depth about how he feels, he basically said he wants me to himself on his days off. Now, with our son at home, he'll have to "share" me. This isn't the first time in our 18 year marriage we've had issues with this. My husband is introverted and doesn't really want friends outside of me (he says I'm all he needs). While I'm flattered, I told him I need my friends, and I enjoy my coffee days, etc, with my girlfriends. I used to use the days he works (he works 24 hour shifts) to do the housework and visit my friends because he gets depressed if I have other things to do. I know this can't be healthy. At one point in my counseling, I was told that I can't worry about my husband's psychological well-being--he needs to do that for himself. But, he is making life miserable for all of us because he is so psychologically needy. How do I get through this? I don't know if he will go back to counseling again.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

How about stopping the homeschooling and putting your son in a different school? Sounds like a win for all to me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like he feels he doesn't get enough attention. Like he's not really a priority.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Sounds to me like he has an emotional hose attached to you. He is going to suck you dry and eventually you are not going to want to be with him.

As the kids move out it is not going to get any better either. And I see it will be a long time until the kids move out.

This is addressed much better in the book " No more Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. I am not sure where your husband fits into his "Nice Guy" scenario, but this emotional neediness is going to drive you crazy.


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## Hughsfmly (Nov 7, 2013)

Thanks, Sparky...I might try reading that book. I did say in my original post that my husband and I spend a LOT of time together. He only works 10 days a month, and the other 20 we spend all day together.
So for him to feel as if he's being neglected? I don't think so. Again, it was my husband's idea to home school our son in the first place. We just started it this week. We live in a rural area, there aren't many other options for schooling. Not only that, our son will likely be with us for the rest of our lives--how will my husband deal with that? Our son is 15....he does plenty of things on his own. I tried to reassure my husband that we would still have our time together. Thanks for the feedback everyone


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I can relate to you. My H is not home near what your is, but has the same attitude much of the time. Some times it actually pisses me off because I think he could be neglectful to the kids if I didn't put my foot down.

Maybe it would help if you came up with a schedule so your H would know what time you were going to spend doing other things and when you would be spending it with him. You could also let him know that if he wants to spend more time with you, he could help with your chores and schooling your child so that you could be done sooner.


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## chuckawu (Nov 7, 2013)

Sounds like he feels he doesn't get enough attention.


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## Hughsfmly (Nov 7, 2013)

ThAnks JustHer. I have to have a schedule of sorts for lessons, so your advice is well taken.  Honestly, have you people that posted that I'm not giving my husband enough attention actually read my post?! I spend twenty days a month--morning, noon, evenings--with him! And I'm not giving him attention? (I will not go into our sexual relationship here, but we are more than active). Really, I am looking for constructive advice. I did check out the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" site; and I think you hit the nail on the head. I'm going to order the book and give that a try. THAT was good advice


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## anokmarriage (Nov 8, 2013)

Maybe you can find something for your husband to do, while you do the things you need to. At the same time, boundaries are a great thing in relationships. Good luck on that one


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## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

There is a difference between spending time as in we are in the same room 20 days a month or around each other, versus actually being engaged. I didn't see anything indicating how you two are being engaged with one another. 

I haven't been married anywhere as long as you but one thing I learned is I have to take an interest in DH or he feels ignored. We can be in the same place around each other almost all the time, but he can still feel rejected. It's hard when I had to work full time and went to school and he'd get lonely on weekends even though we were both home! Taking some time to invest your energy into him personally is what I would suggest. Go for a walk together and talk, have a meal together without any of the kids around, go for coffee and talk, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is working only 10 days a month? Sounds like he is more than a bit lost with so much time on his hands.

It also sounds like he has not developed a good relationship with his children. Perhaps that needs to be nurtured more.

He thinks that your son should be home schooled? Why is this just your job? She should take some portion of the responsibility for home schooling. It will help him develop his relationship with his son.

Have you picked out a curriculum yet? If not get him involved in this. If you have one already, get him involved in the teaching.

There are also some very good home schooling organizations that will provide some kind of interaction outside of your household.

Also, what about joining groups that do things that you all enjoy. This way your husband can start to meet people and maybe he'll find one or two friends.

If you want to find groups/organizations to do things with, take a look at Find Meetup Groups near you - Meetup


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

chuckawu said:


> Sounds like he feels he doesn't get enough attention.


What I don't understand how a man can have four kids with a person and expect that they can still provide any semblance of attention. There is only so many hours in the day.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

You might find it helpful also to read His Needs Her Needs.

Good luck.


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## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

Man this guy sounds like my father. He's much happier now that all the kids have moved out (and we are good kids ) but all the kids resent him because we can never get anytime with our Mother.
I think in the last 30 yrs I've had my Mom out for lunch once!

Needless to say from my perspective I'd go for the kids and friends over the needy prick.


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