# My wife says I raped her.



## Codiman11 (Oct 4, 2017)

Hello,
So I have a somewhat ****ed up story. At least some of you will probably think it is. My wife and I have been seeing each other for only about 3 years now but we do have a child together. We are both in the military and our time together including our marriage has defiantly been rough. From stupid arguments to her cheating on me while she was drunk because she can't control how she drinks, to now, which is her calling rape one me. So we were having a great weekend together. We took family photos, went out to eat, and went to a bonfire. At this bonfire we got pretty drunk. She gets very very frisky when she is drunk. So when we finally got home I put my daughter to bed and went to the bedroom. I found my wife naked on the bed. Now before I go on let me say that my wife is very kinky. She wants to do all sorts of stuff to me in bed and wants some crazy fantasies to happen. Now I got in bed with my wife and I tried to wake her up. Didn't work. I tried having sex with her and saying her name to wake up. Didn't work so I tried a different position and calling her name. Didn't work. At that time she woke up freaking out. She was still very drunk, she hit me in the stomach and started crying saying I just raped her and that she didn't want it. Now, believe me I never wanted this at all. I wanted to do something sexy and kinky for her Bc she starts having sex with me when I am dead asleep and it's fine to her! I feel that I can't keep up with her kinky trends and that I don't please her in bed so that's why I wanted to do that which I had never tried before. So now fast forward a couple days I am here freaking out thinking that I did something horrible to the person I love and she wants a divorce. She said in two weeks she will have her answer for me on if she wants to go through with it. Now of course my other consern is that she will tell the police. And all because she took my what I thought were good intentions the wrong way and call rape on me. I have no idea what's going to happen to me. Is there anyone who has gone through a similar sequence of events?


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Why are you still married to a cheating drunk?

Things will only get worse. Get the heck out!


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There is not a DA in the country who would touch this case with a barge pole. If I was attacked it wouldn?t take me two weeks to decide if it really happened. 
Your wife is a cheating alcoholic and the only question you should be asking yourself is why are you still with her.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> There is not a DA in the country who would touch this case with a barge pole. If I was attacked it wouldn?t take me two weeks to decide if it really happened.
> Your wife is a cheating alcoholic and the only question you should be asking yourself is why are you still with her.


*Nor is there a grand jury who would come close to issuing a true bill of indictment! 

Add to the fact that you are both military, I don't even think that the military Adjutant General's courts would even touch this case unless there were repeated episodes!

I might advise you giving your story to a private criminal defense attorney, but I'm thinking that they're basically going to tell you the same thing that I did!

Between your W's drunkenness and flakiness, do you really see a future with her? I'd lose her like a bad habit!*


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree. She only cheated because she can't control how much she drinks? She cheated because she wanted to and used being drunk as an excuse. So why are you with her? OTOH, having sex with a passed out person, regardless of how they acted before they passed out is just wrong. Her having sex with you when you are asleep is completely different - for two reasons. #1 you will wake up, when someone is passed out drunk, chances are good they won't snap to it right away. #2 YOU allowed this behavior from her, in the case of her starting to have sex with you while you are asleep - did you ever tell her to stop? Two wrongs don't make a right.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Sex with an unconscious woman is rape. She cannot consent being unconscious .I also feel you may be leaving part of the story out such as when you tried a different position was it something that she does not appreciate when awake like anal


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This is pretty serious - sex with a person who is so intoxicated that they can't respond, and where there hasn't been prior agreement is generally considered rape. People are allowed to withdraw consent at any time, and even if she went into the bedroom planning for sex, her unconsciousness counts as withdrawing consent.

To be clear, leading someone on and withdrawing consent is a ****ty thing to do and can have consequences - but rape isn't a consequence that is allowed. You have every right to divorce here if she cheated, or is a drunk, or a tease - in fact I think you are better off without her. 

Sorry to be the bad guy here but from what you have said, what you did was NOT OK. I doubt you can be prosecuted, but that doesn't make your behavior any better.

How drunk were you at the time? If you think you only did this because you were intoxicated, then you need to give up drinking. It seems to interfere with your ability to recognize consent.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*From a purely aesthetic viewpoint, I cannot believe that having sex with a passed out woman is any better than hammering away on some sexshop blowup doll! 

Yccch!*


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Codiman11 said:


> Hello,
> So I have a somewhat ****ed up story. At least some of you will probably think it is. My wife and I have been seeing each other for only about 3 years now but we do have a child together. We are both in the military and our time together including our marriage has defiantly been rough. From stupid arguments to her cheating on me while she was drunk because she can't control how she drinks, to now, which is her calling rape one me. So we were having a great weekend together. We took family photos, went out to eat, and went to a bonfire. At this bonfire we got pretty drunk. She gets very very frisky when she is drunk. So when we finally got home I put my daughter to bed and went to the bedroom. I found my wife naked on the bed. Now before I go on let me say that my wife is very kinky. She wants to do all sorts of stuff to me in bed and wants some crazy fantasies to happen. Now I got in bed with my wife and* I tried to wake her up. Didn't work. I tried having sex with her and saying her name to wake up. Didn't work so I tried a different position and calling her name. Didn't work*. At that time she woke up freaking out. She was still very drunk, she hit me in the stomach and started crying saying I just raped her and that she didn't want it. Now, believe me I never wanted this at all. I wanted to do something sexy and kinky for her *Bc she starts having sex with me when I am dead asleep* and it's fine to her! I feel that I can't keep up with her kinky trends and that I don't please her in bed so that's why I wanted to do that which I had never tried before. So now fast forward a couple days I am here freaking out thinking that I did something horrible to the person I love and she wants a divorce. She said in two weeks she will have her answer for me on if she wants to go through with it. Now of course my other consern is that she will tell the police. And all because she took my what I thought were good intentions the wrong way and call rape on me. I have no idea what's going to happen to me. Is there anyone who has gone through a similar sequence of events?


Right, there are a few ways of seeing this.

Now, you tried to have sex with her when she is asleep. If she was specifically keen on this, and specifically said she wanted you to do this, it is not rape. But otherwise it is. 

"she starts having sex with me when I am dead asleep"
- Two things from this. First, it is not unusual for women to do this. It is actually pretty cool. That does not mean she will like it. I have had women who have invited me to do just what you did, or toss off over them while they sleep. The women that liked to have sex with me while I as asleep and want me to have sex with them while they slept were never the same women. 

What happened was a loss of control. She likes riding you while you sleep and I am presuming this is the line of the kinky stuff. That is very different to finding a strong soldier making love to you while you wake up confused from sleep. I am assuming she likes to be kinky and in control, is that correct? 

If it is the other way, and perhaps she had fantasies of being raped, you have to be very careful with this. It suggests you are dealing with an insecure soul.

I would not worry about the police, I am afraid to say. Would you let me know what state you are in? A lady I know was raped and when the investigation was shoddy, they told her they do not usually bother to investigate at all (AZ). 

Women do sometimes throw rape allegations at their men, it is a contol thing. In this case, there is something in it, though I absolutely accept it was in good faith. 

I am a little concerned about you writing that "her cheating on me while she was drunk because she can't control how she drinks", you are letting her off for cheating and for excessive drinking. Both of those are in your control.

Despite what the others write, I see this as something you can come through. I am assuming you are both young and fairly inexperienced. This is an anonymous forum, and some of us are European so your crazy kink think with your wife may well not be as shocking as you thing.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

not sure when this happened, but she sounds pretty unstable. i would go to the military police, report it all, maybe they can do a rape kit on her and not detect any sperm, and that will be the end of it all.

then you can divorce her without any jeopardy to your career.

it might not be the politically correct thing to say nowadays, but any wife who cries rape at her husband, is the lowest form of nutjob who needs to be divorced.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This sort of thing can be negotiated in advance. I've told my wife that she is free to start doing sexual things to me when I'm sleeping - I've given consent, so if some night I wake up with her riding me, giving me a BJ etc, that is fine because I've clearly consented. 

She let me know that she doesn't want me to do this to her, so if I started something when she was sleeping, it would be rape. 

Its nothing to do with gender, and everything to do with consent. 

Consent in marriage or a long term relationship is tricky - there is a general understanding that unless anything has been said previously, marriage includes consent to *initiate* sexual activity. If I grab my wife from behind and start kissing her neck, its not sexual assault because there is a general assumption that unless stated otherwise, this sort of activity is consented to in marriage. What is important here is that if she wants me to stop, she can withdraw consent immediately. 

If a partner is unconscious, then they are unable to withdraw consent. So unless they have specifically agreed, you can't initiate sexual activity on an unconscious partner,


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I am not your lawyer. This is not legal advice. But you need some, pronto.

Stop posting on TAM. This could be used against you.

Both military makes it more complicated. May ends up going to commanding officer rather than non-military courts. Dicey what they decide. Relative ranks and time in service?

Like I said, this can be very serious and you need proper legal advice. However, I am not sure whether the JAG lawyer you talk to is required to keep things confidential. So you probably want to speak with a non-military lawyer who is familiar with military code of justice.

Congratulations, I hope the incident was worth it to you because it could be hugely expensive and life changing before this process plays itself out. Life lesson: wife or no wife, never try to have sex with someone who is too drunk to consent.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MAJDEATH said:


> *You can't rape your W.*


* Right!!!! 

Try telling that one to a couple of incarcerated husbands in the Texas State Penitentiary over in Huntsville!

The DA's who successfully prosecuted those cases would, no doubt, appreciate hearing about it also!*


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> I am not your lawyer. This is not legal advice. But you need some, pronto.
> 
> *Stop posting on TAM. This could be used against you.*
> 
> ...


Indeed, this should be in the Private area.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not commenting on the rape itself (if it was rape). However my comment on the accusation is that being accused of that by my wife would be a deal breaker for me. Whether it happened or not, the fact that she could make the accusation would tell me all I need to know about the state of the relationship and it would be over.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

you should get a VAR to protect yourself.

and be sure if you have any further contact, you get it in writing.

time to get out of dodge.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't see it as grey. Sex without consent is rape. An unconscious person can't consent unless they have done so in the past. (not consented to sex, but consented to sex while unconscious).

Marital status really doesn't change any of that. It did in the past, but those laws were changed - and for good reason. 



Yeswecan said:


> I don't know...in my mind no consent it is rape. Gray area for sure with H and W situation.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

A little late for that. The OP has admitted to rape on a public forum. If his wife presses charges, the police can track his internet use and find this forum. I expect that the forum is required to comply with any information requests accompanied by a court order. 

The divorce issues is pretty trivial at this point.






harrybrown said:


> you should get a VAR to protect yourself.
> 
> and be sure if you have any further contact, you get it in writing.
> 
> time to get out of dodge.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> There is not a DA in the country who would touch this case with a barge pole. If I was attacked it wouldn?t take me two weeks to decide if it really happened.
> Your wife is a cheating alcoholic and the only question you should be asking yourself is why are you still with her.


Don't confuse a DA with a company or field grade officer with UCMJ authority.

Couple that with negative press that the military has received over sexual assault, and you have a recipe for being railroaded.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

The debate regarding whether a spouse can (by legal definition) be raped ends now.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

uhtred said:


> I don't see it as grey. Sex without consent is rape. An unconscious person can't consent unless they have done so in the past. (not consented to sex, but consented to sex while unconscious).
> 
> Marital status really doesn't change any of that. It did in the past, but those laws were changed - and for good reason.


Exactly. For hundreds of years the law was that a husband could not rape his wife, because the definition of rape was "unconsented intercourse by a man of a woman not his wife". So if the woman you had unconsented sex with was your wife, it might be an assault or battery but it was, by definition, not rape. Note that, during these years, it was not possible for a woman to rape anyone. In recent decades most (all?) jurisdictions have enacted statutes that change the definition of rape. Under modern statutory definitions, it absolutely is possible for a man to "rape" or "sexually assault" his wife. And it is possible for a woman to commit sexual assault.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@farsidejunky, thanks for the call-out. Codi, welcome to the TAM forum.



> She wants a divorce... my other concern is that she will tell the police.... Is there anyone who has gone through a similar sequence of events?


Not exactly, no. But, at the end of my 15 year marriage, my exW called the police and had me arrested on the bogus charge of "brutalizing" her. 



> She was still very drunk, she hit me in the stomach and started crying saying I just raped her


Codi, I agree with @Talker that the behaviors you describe -- cheating, lack of impulse control, physical abuse, and alcohol abuse -- are warning signs for emotional instability. Significantly, the most common cause of instability (i.e., strong mood changes) is a _hormone change_, as could occur if your W is suffering PPD (postpartum depression). This is a possibility because you say she gave birth to your young daughter in the past 3 years. When it occurs, PPD typically lasts several months -- but a substantial share (30%) of PPD sufferers take 2 or 3 years to recover. On the other hand, PPD would not seem to explain your W's earlier history of drinking too much alcohol and cheating on you while drunk.

I therefore note that the second most common cause of instability is _drug abuse_. Are you saying that she has difficulty controlling her drinking and that this problem has been going on throughout the 3 years? If not, there are two other common causes of instability you likely should consider. Those two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are _BPD_ (Borderline Personality Disorder) and _BP_ (Bipolar Disorder). 



> I have no idea what's going to happen to me.


Codi, I suspect that you are strong enough to take care of yourself regardless of whether your W decides to divorce you or not. My primary concern, then, is what is going to happen to your young daughter. If your W's moodiness is caused by PPD, the problem likely will disappear in a few months -- or in 3 years at the worst. 

If the instability arises from one of the other three causes, however, your W may have an inherited instability issue that could be passed on to your daughter -- either through genetics or through a stressful childhood environment. Hence, regardless of the outcome of your marriage, I suggest you encourage your W to see an OB-GYN doctor for a hormone test if you are seeing strong PPD symptoms.

If PPD symptoms are not strong, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on whether you may be dealing with drug abuse, BPD, or BP. Unlike PPD, those three problems tend to persist for decades (or even a lifetime) when left untreated. Because they are persistent over time, I would not even mention them to you as possibilities if you were only dealing with the one terrible sexual encounter that you mention. 

What I find more troubling is your statement that _"our marriage has definitely been rough,"_ which suggests that your W's behavior may have been unstable throughout your marriage -- and perhaps before you started dating. For this reason, it would be prudent to find out more about your W's earlier history of behavior -- if it is feasible to do so. Take care, Codi.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> I don't see it as grey. Sex without consent is rape. An unconscious person can't consent unless they have done so in the past. (not consented to sex, but consented to sex while unconscious).
> 
> Marital status really doesn't change any of that. It did in the past, but those laws were changed - and for good reason.


Right, but was @WorkingOnMe said a few posts ago, this kind if accusation is highly indicative of the state of the marriage and/or the people involved, as well.

I would never do this to my wife - however, if I did, I highly doubt she'd cry "rape". But that's also just my assumption, and I wouldn't want to test that regardless of how certain I am.

My wife and I aren't big drinkers, but we do have a few now and again. We've obviously had sex with each other while intoxicated. Occasionally only one of us is. Never to the point of passing out, obviously, but nonetheless. In our marriage, anyway, consent is generally implied. If either one of us did what OP did, it's unlikely we'd be upset. I know I wouldn't. I'd probably ask her if she had a good time. Or if I had a good time, for that matter. But that's me. I can't speak for her, but I would assume the same. But as I said, I would never try and find out, either.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When you say you would "never try to find out", that means that you would not have sex without consent, which is sort of the point. If you say that you once talked about it with your wife and she is OK with your having sex with her when she is sleeping or passed out, then that is fine too. (I've had this discussion about sleep sex with my wife).

Its also fine if there is a blanked agreement in your marraige that you can start having sex anytime you want - that is also consent. It the OP had these sorts of discussions, then that changes things. 

Its just that you, like the great majority of people, would not have sex with someone that you didn't think was consenting to sex. 




alexm said:


> Right, but was @WorkingOnMe said a few posts ago, this kind if accusation is highly indicative of the state of the marriage and/or the people involved, as well.
> 
> I would never do this to my wife - however, if I did, I highly doubt she'd cry "rape". But that's also just my assumption, and I wouldn't want to test that regardless of how certain I am.
> 
> My wife and I aren't big drinkers, but we do have a few now and again. We've obviously had sex with each other while intoxicated. Occasionally only one of us is. Never to the point of passing out, obviously, but nonetheless. In our marriage, anyway, consent is generally implied. If either one of us did what OP did, it's unlikely we'd be upset. I know I wouldn't. I'd probably ask her if she had a good time. Or if I had a good time, for that matter. But that's me. I can't speak for her, but I would assume the same. But as I said, I would never try and find out, either.


----------



## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Nor is there a grand jury who would come close to issuing a true bill of indictment!
> 
> Add to the fact that you are both military, I don't even think that the military Adjutant General's courts would even touch this case unless there were repeated episodes!
> 
> ...



They may not in the US but they sure as hell do in the UK.

Man jailed after wife of 10 years discovered he had been raping her in her sleep | The Independent


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jus260 said:


> They may not in the US but they sure as hell do in the UK.
> 
> Man jailed after wife of 10 years discovered he had been raping her in her sleep | The Independent


*There is a factor of repetition in that assault and the perpetrator would also most likely have his "check cashed" right here in the U.S. just as well!

Case in point? Just ask Bill Cosby!*


----------



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

It sounds to me like this is an excuse and a way out of the marriage.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I would let the rape stuff die down and then I would hit her with a divorce.

You can't ride this pain train forever.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

The fact that she's initiated sex with you when you were unconscious, but considers that sort of thing "rape" just shows how messed up she is. The fact that women will reflexively take her side despite these facts is disturbing, but that's a whole different issue. The fact that she's a cheater means she's not good wife material. Document her cheating and her drunkenness and give her the divorce she wants before the 2 weeks is up. Find a decent wife and make sure that your ex-wife is never drunk while she's got custody of the kid.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It wasn't clear to me if she had initiated without prior permission.

I've given my wife permission just to be sure that there is no misunderstanding.



Tatsuhiko said:


> The fact that she's initiated sex with you when you were unconscious, but considers that sort of thing "rape" just shows how messed up she is. The fact that women will reflexively take her side despite these facts is disturbing, but that's a whole different issue. The fact that she's a cheater means she's not good wife material. Document her cheating and her drunkenness and give her the divorce she wants before the 2 weeks is up. Find a decent wife and make sure that your ex-wife is never drunk while she's got custody of the kid.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

uhtred said:


> When you say you would "never try to find out", that means that you would not have sex without consent, which is sort of the point. If you say that you once talked about it with your wife and she is OK with your having sex with her when she is sleeping or passed out, then that is fine too. (I've had this discussion about sleep sex with my wife).
> 
> Its also fine if there is a blanked agreement in your marraige that you can start having sex anytime you want - that is also consent. It the OP had these sorts of discussions, then that changes things.
> 
> Its just that you, like the great majority of people, would not have sex with someone that you didn't think was consenting to sex.


We've had "sleep sex" before, but it's never been discussed beforehand, ever, like giving one another consent. I think we're both just okay with it, as we have a solid relationship - as opposed to OP, and many others. BTW, when I say 'sleep sex', I mean one or the other of us wakes up... (how could you not, anyway? lol). If my wife were such a heavy sleeper that she didn't wake up during it, I would (obviously) never do this. It's creepy.

What I was talking about, really, was being inebriated/blacked out/whatever. I would never do that because of the reason I just mentioned - it's creepy.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sleep sex can be grey - depends on what you are doing and how easily the other person wakes up. If you are at all reasonable, the sleeping person will wake up early enough to consent or not. If they are an incredibly heavy sleeper and you could actually penetrate them without their waking up, then it would be like unconscious sex. 








alexm said:


> We've had "sleep sex" before, but it's never been discussed beforehand, ever, like giving one another consent. I think we're both just okay with it, as we have a solid relationship - as opposed to OP, and many others. BTW, when I say 'sleep sex', I mean one or the other of us wakes up... (how could you not, anyway? lol). If my wife were such a heavy sleeper that she didn't wake up during it, I would (obviously) never do this. It's creepy.
> 
> What I was talking about, really, was being inebriated/blacked out/whatever. I would never do that because of the reason I just mentioned - it's creepy.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Jus260 said:


> They may not in the US but they sure as hell do in the UK.
> 
> Man jailed after wife of 10 years discovered he had been raping her in her sleep | The Independent


Not quite the same thing. In the UK case she had video evidence of numerous times on HIS phone. That is not the case here. A week later there would be no evidence other than a He said/She said sort of thing which could neither be confirmed nor denied.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think there are separate questions of whether something would be prosecuted if there were evidence, and whether there is sufficient evidence to prosecute. 



Ynot said:


> Not quite the same thing. In the UK case she had video evidence of numerous times on HIS phone. That is not the case here. A week later there would be no evidence other than a He said/She
> said sort of thing which could neither be confirmed nor denied.


----------



## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Not quite the same thing. In the UK case she had video evidence of numerous times on HIS phone. That is not the case here. A week later there would be no evidence other than a He said/She said sort of thing which could neither be confirmed nor denied.


I realize the cases don't have the same evidence but the act is the same. Both are about having sex with an unconscious woman. One is on video. One isn't. I didn't even know someone could be prosecuted for this let alone get 9 years for it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When a wife declares rape...

When a wife declares rape, you are a stranger.

When you are a stranger, you are 'strange-to-her'.

A strange man in the same bed with a familiar body.

A body, soft, curvy and familiar. Family-with-her.

Former family, now you are a dark man in underwear, coming from the underbelly of her nightMare. Touching her in private places.

She is now a firewater breathing Mare. And she now rides over your' spirited spleen. No behooves from her, Nay, just iron horseshoes pressed against your marital ringing finger. Crushing it's circle to ovality.

Former groom Thee: You cannot groom such a horse as this. The comb breaks off in the icy snarls of the Mane. Main course, no more for Thee.

She cries rape, yet you hurt more.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Jus260 said:


> I realize the cases don't have the same evidence but the act is the same. Both are about having sex with an unconscious woman. One is on video. One isn't. I didn't even know someone could be prosecuted for this let alone get 9 years for it.


Because he recorded the act? and there is video evidence? Not to mention he turned him self in and admitted to it. It would be pretty difficult NOT to prosecute some one under those circumstances. So while the act may be the same in the UK case there is supporting evidence and an admission, whereas in the OP's case there would imply be hearsay.


----------



## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

OP, why are you giving her two weeks to decide?

Serve her first for your own protection.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not commenting on the rape itself (if it was rape). However my comment on the accusation is that being accused of that by my wife would be a deal breaker for me. Whether it happened or not, the fact that she could make the accusation would tell me all I need to know about the state of the relationship and it would be over.


So if a man rapes his wife and she says he raped her, he should divorce her because she dared to tell the truth? Really?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Codiman11 said:


> I found my wife naked on the bed. Now before I go on let me say that my wife is very kinky. She wants to do all sorts of stuff to me in bed and wants some crazy fantasies to happen. Now I got in bed with my wife and I tried to wake her up. Didn't work. *I tried having sex with her* and saying her name to wake up. Didn't work so *I tried a different position and calling her name. Didn't work. *


You know, it's not clear whether you had sex with her or not. It sounds like your tried but did not.

Now you know that if you had sex with her, it's rape according to the law.

Is it rape when she starts to have sex with you while you are sleep? It depends on whether or not you agreed to this. It seems you have been ok with it, so in a way you have consented.

You just need to stop talking about this and keep a low profile. Hopefully she won't pursue it.

Now, on the other hand, you need to file for divorce. She sounds very unstable. The rape(or not rape) incident aside, why on earth are you staying with this woman?


----------



## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

You tried to have sex with her while she was asleep. That is rape.

She tries to have sex with you while you are asleep. That is rape.

Unless you have an agreement in place to do these things (but remember consent can be withdrawn). 

It sounds like it doesn't bother you that she initiates sex when you are asleep, presumably you wake and join in?

She does not appreciate you doing the same to her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So if a man rapes his wife and she says he raped her, he should divorce her because she dared to tell the truth? Really?




Yes of course. Why should anyone be married to someone who thinks they were raped by them? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Sounds like she want to divorce you and is using this incident as leverage. The two week thing probably has to do with if an A/P actually leaves his wife during this two week deadline. As in any criminal case, your defense is reasonable doubt an actual rape occurred. But for this thread and anybody else you may have discussed this with, or possibly eye witness testimony, it will be the defendants word against the victim. If she presses it and they find your post, your azz is grass my man.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If the person I'm married to thinks I raped, them, then I most certainly should be divorced. I see several possibilities.

1). I *did* rape her. Then I'm a horrible person and should never be in a position to attack her again.

2). I didn't rape her but she thinks I did. Unless there is some huge misunderstanding, we are so wildly incompatible that I can't avoid doing something that will cause her great harm. Divorce.

3). She is lying. I certainly don't want to be married to someone who will falsely accuse me of rape. 



EleGirl said:


> So if a man rapes his wife and she says he raped her, he should divorce her because she dared to tell the truth? Really?


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Codiman11 said:


> Hello,
> So I have a somewhat ****ed up story. At least some of you will probably think it is. My wife and I have been seeing each other for only about 3 years now but we do have a child together. We are both in the military and our time together including our marriage has defiantly been rough. From stupid arguments to her cheating on me while she was drunk because she can't control how she drinks, to now, which is her calling rape one me. So we were having a great weekend together. We took family photos, went out to eat, and went to a bonfire. At this bonfire we got pretty drunk. She gets very very frisky when she is drunk. So when we finally got home I put my daughter to bed and went to the bedroom. I found my wife naked on the bed. Now before I go on let me say that my wife is very kinky. She wants to do all sorts of stuff to me in bed and wants some crazy fantasies to happen. Now I got in bed with my wife and I tried to wake her up. Didn't work. I tried having sex with her and saying her name to wake up. Didn't work so I tried a different position and calling her name. Didn't work. At that time she woke up freaking out. She was still very drunk, she hit me in the stomach and started crying saying I just raped her and that she didn't want it. Now, believe me I never wanted this at all. I wanted to do something sexy and kinky for her Bc she starts having sex with me when I am dead asleep and it's fine to her! I feel that I can't keep up with her kinky trends and that I don't please her in bed so that's why I wanted to do that which I had never tried before. So now fast forward a couple days I am here freaking out thinking that I did something horrible to the person I love and she wants a divorce. She said in two weeks she will have her answer for me on if she wants to go through with it. Now of course my other consern is that she will tell the police. And all because she took my what I thought were good intentions the wrong way and call rape on me. I have no idea what's going to happen to me. Is there anyone who has gone through a similar sequence of events?



She can't control her drinking.


She cheated on you.


She has sex with you while you are asleep many times......that's okay and not rape?! That is much worse than what you did to her and she gets away with it and you're a rapist.


Woman has sex with her man while he's asleep = not rape?


Man has sex with his woman while she is asleep = rape?


But she's very kinky, flirty, into wild stuff, etc.


You try one time to have sex with her while she's asleep but you call her name and raping her was the last thing on your mind.


If she previously told you never have sex with me while I'm asleep and you did anyway, I can see her point and rape. But if she never told you this and she does this to you, I can't see her point.


Now she accuses you of rape?! Is that a joke???


She has some nerve to be honest.


You can do much better.

*
Maybe she is using this as an excuse to divorce you and meet this other guy?*


----------

