# Struggling Newbie



## Gavfromthenorth (Nov 10, 2020)

Hi I’m new here. Just recently separated from my partner of 19 years and we have three children. I am finding it extremely hard and contemplated suicide at one point it got that bad... she has hit me with everything she could to hurt me, “I’m seeing someone else” “I’m sleeping with people you know” “you’re not seeing the kids” I don’t even know why she started hating me so much on such a short period of time. I’ve started drinking quite heavily, don’t have many (any real) friends so doing this alone. I have moved into a tiny flat away from the family home and boy am I lonely. This is hard


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. Have you looked into a therapist and called your doctor? If you are feeling so down, having suicidal thoughts, and self-medicating with alcohol, you would benefit from speaking to someone and taking about meds to help you. Medication can often be temporary but it can make a huge difference.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, first STOP DRINKING. Get to a lawyer PRONTO. They will help you get a game plan together. As for the not seeing the kids, the lawyer will put a quick stop to that. You shouldn't have moved out -- the lawyer may recommend that you move back (not sure about UK laws on this).
You need to expose her cheating to all -- your family/hers, friends, etc.. IF you want to find out if she is lying, have a PI follow her.
She is now the enemy the way she is acting, so realize that. There won't be any "nice" stuff for her.
Start doing things for YOU -- work out, eat right, work on doing hobbies you stopped or maybe never started.

Work with people here -- you will get TONS of great advice from folks that have been through this already.

SO sorry you are going through this. It sucks, but you WILL get through it and come out the other side WAY better off than staying with your cheating, venomous soon-to-be-ex-wife (STBXW)


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## Gavfromthenorth (Nov 10, 2020)

I was a strong personal with an outgoing personality, I realise I have became a shadow of my former self... I run to her every demand, I don’t want the relationship to be truly over, I convince myself she hasn’t really slept with anyone else.. she says she has but then takes it back.. the situation is deep and I will go not as much as I can on here as I want support.. firstly she suffers mental health issues, bi polar, self harmed in the past and I’ve supported her through many episodes.. I cling on to hope that I can salvage the relationship but I’m being treated disgusting by the person I love more than anything.. she says “I know you love me you won’t go anywhere I can click my fingers and you’ll be back” she’s rang me drunk saying she misses me but then the next day is nasty again... she’s destroying me


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Gavfromthenorth said:


> I was a strong personal with an outgoing personality, I realise I have became a shadow of my former self... I run to her every demand, I don’t want the relationship to be truly over, I convince myself she hasn’t really slept with anyone else.. she says she has but then takes it back.. the situation is deep and I will go not as much as I can on here as I want support.. firstly she suffers mental health issues, bi polar, self harmed in the past and I’ve supported her through many episodes.. I cling on to hope that I can salvage the relationship but I’m being treated disgusting by the person I love more than anything.. she says “I know you love me you won’t go anywhere I can click my fingers and you’ll be back” she’s rang me drunk saying she misses me but then the next day is nasty again... she’s destroying me


You need to start distancing yourself from her. Read about the 180:








The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Distance yourself. The relationship is over. See an attorney. Set up 50/50 custody. Start building a life for yourself and your children. Don't let her take advantage of you financially.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gavfromthenorth said:


> I was a strong personal with an outgoing personality, I realise I have became a shadow of my former self... I run to her every demand, I don’t want the relationship to be truly over, I convince myself she hasn’t really slept with anyone else.. she says she has but then takes it back.. the situation is deep and I will go not as much as I can on here as I want support.. firstly she suffers mental health issues, bi polar, self harmed in the past and I’ve supported her through many episodes.. I cling on to hope that I can salvage the relationship but I’m being treated disgusting by the person I love more than anything.. she says “I know you love me you won’t go anywhere I can click my fingers and you’ll be back” she’s rang me drunk saying she misses me but then the next day is nasty again... *she’s destroying me*


NO...she isn't -- YOU are allowing her to. You've got to take a hard look at your reality with her, and set some strong boundaries with yourself about what you will believe from her, and strong boundaries about how you will allow her to treat you. YOU DESERVE BETTER - you deserve to be with someone who loves you and cares about you. 
This woman IS NOT that person.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Distance yourself. The relationship is over. See an attorney. Set up 50/50 custody. Start building a life for yourself and your children. Don't let her take advantage of you financially.


Unfortunately the op is in the UK. Divorce is almost always geared towards the mother both custody wise and financially and husbands are treated like crap.
It’s not unheard of for a woman to completely disregard court judgements with regard to custody despite numerous court appearances but if the husband misses one payment he will be explaining why to a judge.


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## Miserable71 (Oct 3, 2020)

I agree with all the others that have said to distance yourself. When you are apart, it gives you some time to think and begin to heal ever so slightly. It also keeps her from adding any more comments about what all she may or may not have done for you to dwell on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Gavfromthenorth said:


> Hi I’m new here. Just recently separated from my partner of 19 years and we have three children. I am finding it extremely hard and contemplated suicide at one point it got that bad... she has hit me with everything she could to hurt me, “I’m seeing someone else” “I’m sleeping with people you know” “you’re not seeing the kids” I don’t even know why she started hating me so much on such a short period of time. I’ve started drinking quite heavily, don’t have many (any real) friends so doing this alone. I have moved into a tiny flat away from the family home and boy am I lonely. This is hard


First thing first go get a lawyer.

I am sorry for your pain. You have to get angry and fight. 

It will get better but if it will get better quicker if you fight back, and know your rights.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Gavfromthenorth said:


> ... *she’s destroying me*


Only because you allow it OP. Stop being a doormat, and get your butt back to your home. If she wants a divorce, SHE can gtfo.


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