# No sex - no marriage



## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am a woman in my twenties, and it seems that unless I learn how to like sex, there's no way I can get married. I want a life partner, but sex - yikes, I'd rather clean the bathroom.

I read about people here, suffering for sexlessness, and yet here I am, suffering for the fact that I have to either do it or be alone. I have had boyfriends, with whom I have been deeply in love. Even currently I have one. But sex feels - silly and dirty and time-consuming.

Any piece of advice you could give me?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Before you get much in the way of advice, it would probably be worthwhile to get your story. Are you asexual or do you have feelings of desire yet simply don't like how you go about satisfying those urges? Were you assaulted sexually, abused or nothing of that sort ever happen to you? Lot's of info missing.

But to make a long story short, if you want marital love, then there are things you have to do to develop that type of relationship. If you are asexual, then perhaps there is some sort of online support or meet up groups where asexuals can "date" and see if they want to make a long term commitment. 

But, we know too little about you to give you any meaningful advice at the moment.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Be honest, open and forthright about your feelings from the start. While you'll be limiting the pool of candidates you may find someone who is OK with that. Many of the problems here are a result of one partner changing their atitude towards sex after marriage. Read about "bait and switch" and don't do that.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I agree with Plan 9's request for more info.

But the one piece of advice I will give is this.

If you don't like sex don't marry someone that likes sex. 

They will only want it more and more as time goes on.

No matter how much you think "love" him.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Find a guy who isn't into sex either.That's really the only way you're ever going to have a happy relationship unless there's more to your story about why you don't like sex.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

No, I have never been abused... I just don't have the desire almost ever. Even if I do (very rarely; twice a year or something), I don't like penetration. I can't really say why I don't, well, it feels ok, not bad, but I don't really crave for it. And I don't want to have sex in exchange for love and commitment. 

And hey, east2west, that's my whole point here! I do not want to make anyone miserable (including me); I would never marry someone with a high or even "normal" sex drive. I've had those kind of guys, and it doesn't work!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If you want to get married or possibly children then a doctor or possibly therapy would help.

There are not many happy sexless marriages. You could also be low drive.

Maybe change your mindset. In place of dirty, think of it as something really special/sacred or a deep connection between two people. Sex does start with the brain.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> No, I have never been abused... I just don't have the desire almost ever. Even if I do (very rarely; twice a year or something), I don't like penetration. I can't really say why I don't, well, it feels ok, not bad, but I don't really crave for it. And I don't want to have sex in exchange for love and commitment.
> 
> And hey, east2west, that's my whole point here! I do not want to make anyone miserable (including me); I would never marry someone with a high or even "normal" sex drive. I've had those kind of guys, and it doesn't work!


Probably a stupid question but have you ever had an orgasm?


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> There are not many happy sexless marriages. You could also be low drive.


Really? Am I a weird case? I never thought that way, but I guess other women, then, want it more than me.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Probably a stupid question but have you ever had an orgasm?


Yes. When first I started having sex, I never did, and I thought that that was the reason I didn't like sex. Then, one guy, determined to make me want sex (a sweet, good guy; don't get me wrong - he just wanted that we would work it out) made me have orgasms. Do I like to orgasms? Yeah, kind of, if they happen to happen, but on my free time, I don't dream about them or something.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> I am a woman in my twenties, and it seems that unless I learn how to like sex, there's no way I can get married. I want a life partner, but sex - yikes, I'd rather clean the bathroom.
> 
> I read about people here, suffering for sexlessness, and yet here I am, suffering for the fact that I have to either do it or be alone. I have had boyfriends, with whom I have been deeply in love. Even currently I have one. But sex feels - silly and dirty and time-consuming.
> 
> Any piece of advice you could give me?


Sex: the pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense damnable.....*It is still the most sublime of all human endeavors....* I added the bold text to this old somewhat stuffy quote...

As the resident DOM (dirty old man) Perhaps I can help....

My wife and I have had a wonderful and fulfilling sex life for most of our 47 years together, and It seems such a waste for a young person to forgo such a rich and meaningful segment of their life....

To not have the experience of lying in a lovers arms in the sweet afterglow of lovemaking is a tragedy...

Totally assexual people are truly rare, and I gather you have had sex. May I ask a few personal questions? Remember we are all friends here, and none of your answers or feelings will be new to us, so just jump in...

Have you had any traumatic sexual experiences that have given you any negative feelings?

Do you have a religous or cultural background that taught you sex was dirty of evil?

Do you enjoy the sight of a nude man (boyfriend), If not, how about a female nude?

Have you ever had an orgasm, alone or with someone?

I see you go online, so wasting some amount of time is not a problem, believe me, sex is a much more satisfying time waster...

I will wait for your answers, and hopefully the other board members and I can be of help to you ....


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Please don't take this the wrong way.

Perhaps you're not sexually attracted to men in general (?)

Do you have any sexual feelings toward women?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Please don't take this the wrong way.
> 
> Perhaps you're not sexually attracted to men in general (?)
> 
> Do you have any sexual feelings toward women?


I was wondering the same thing but her response about orgasms threw me on having any clue what the issue is.Far as I know,lesbians love orgasms just as much as the ladies who aren't lesbians.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

Ok, some of those I already answered...

No, I don't really enjoy seeing anyone nude. Why would I?

I have also gone through the whole "am I attracted to females" phase. I really think I'm not: I want to touch females EVEN less than I want to touch males. What I like with men is hugging, kissing, etc. But taking clothes off turns me off.

And no especially strict religious background. I have always felt I'm normal, but now it seems, that all everyone else wants is sex.

Oh, and I don't want kids.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> Really? Am I a weird case? I never thought that way, but I guess other women, then, want it more than me.


Yes they do. You sound asexual or very very low drive. I wouldn't describe it as weird. But rare, yes. I read somewhere, not sure where that 1% of the population was asexual. I don't know if that number is accurate but I doubt if it is very much higher than that. There are dating and support sites dedicated entirely to asexuals, they would probably understand your situation better than us.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> seems that unless I learn how to like sex, there's no way I can get married.


I think that's a fair statement. 

Certainly it is *not right* to marry a man who does not desire a sexless relationship without being honest with him about your feelings. Now, I don't think it's impossible to find a man who wants marriage without sex. Perhaps there's a small chance. But the vast majority of men will want and expect sex if they're married. THEY are perfectly normal in this desire.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Boy, talk about GREAT MINDS THINKING ALIKE......ALMOST EVERY POST CONTAINS THE SAME ELEMENTS OF REALLY GREAT ADVICE....


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Interesting situation Mindy, and I think this is the third thread involvling what might be an asexual female on this forum in the past few weeks.

The last two didn't get treated to nicely, so you may be in a bumpy ride here.

I'm of the opinion that an asexual or low desire person can get married. It's like anything else though, be completely open from the beginning and tell anyone you start dating that sex is either not an option, or a very limited option. If a man knows and understands that you don't want or crave sex, or really even enjoy it very much from the sounds of it, and still wants to get married, then why shouldn't you be able to get married?

As I think you already understand, finding a man to marry who doesn't want much sex, if any, is pretty hard. But it's not impossible. On this board alone there is dozens of tales each month of women who are married to men who regularly turn down sex and could go months without it. So clearly, asexual/low desire men do exist and do prefer marriage (many of these wifes state their husbands do want to stay married, just don't want sex).

Depending on where you live, it could be difficult to find someone. Living in a small community far from a major centre might limit your option, but if you live in a major city, it could be as simple as trying an online dating service or a singles group. Just be 100% open an honest from the start. Remember, you can have 1,000 men get turned off by the fact you dislike sex, but you only need one to be ok with it to make it work.

I hope you find what you are looking for Mindy, all the best to you and kudos on knowing what you want and going for it.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Beware of the men who think they've got the golden ticket to making you change.Somehow you have to make your potential partners understand you aren't going to suddenly change to wanting sex just because you're in love with them.You'll get men who will consider it a challenge rather than accepting you for who you are.

Is it just the sex part that you don't enjoy or is it intimacy all together? Kissing,hugs,other forms of affection...


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks for your replies!

The thing is, I love to show affection in other ways, you know, touching, being sweet... But the "actual" sex doesn't really work for me. 


Yeah, I think I might go looking for guys who aren't so much into it either. Funny like that, they say I'm quite attractive. Maybe it has been the oversupply that has turned me off. Who knows?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I think your best option is to find someone who is also very low drive. That would have the best possible outcome. Trying to change yourself or change him is a risky proposition.

And no, you're not weird. Maybe way lower than average but you are who you are and if you've spent any time reading posts on this forum, you'll see plenty of people complaining about low drive spouses. So there's plenty out there.

But do make sure you have a serious discussion with potential husbands before putting the ring on your finger. I wish I had.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> Thanks for your replies!
> 
> The thing is, I love to show affection in other ways, you know, touching, being sweet... But the "actual" sex doesn't really work for me.
> 
> ...


oh honey I can tell ya,I've had more than my share of sex with my exSO and it never gets old for me.If I could orgasm once every few hours every single day,I'd be happy as a rich toddler in a toystore. It's not oversupply that has you turned off.

I don't think you should be made to feel wrong because you don't like sex but you've gotta admit,it's not exactly normal for a young and healthy female to not at least enjoy orgasms.If you've talked to a doctor about it,what have they said?


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

If you can find another that shares your feelings then you will probably be very happy together. Sex or lack of causes many problems, mostly due to its emotional connection. But realize that it is impossible to be "close" without it. You can become very good friends but sex is what makes a couple "one". Men, like me desire it for us to feel close to our mate & there is no substitute. The men that have lost that desire, have because they have grown distant from their spouse for various reasons. That's what brings about divorce or cheating, married couples need to have sex for emotional well being.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The problem with finding someone low drive is that it doesn't take into account that people change over time. You may hit a certain age and turn into a sexual dynamo. He may change his mind about being low drive. Or maybe you just think he's low drive, but he really has a porn addiction.

People change.

I would venture to guess that the people who are happiest in marriage are the people who really want to do for their spouse. They do whatever it takes to please their spouse, and the other spouse does the same. A spouse who is not willing to do that is selfish. And finding a low drive man doesn't fix the selfishness, it just hides it. And what happens when an attractive middle aged, selfish woman suddenly finds her libido and is married to a man without one? What happens when the selfish low drive man suddenly starts wanting sex and his married to a woman who doesn't? 

On the surface, covering up the issue by finding a partner who simply feels the same seems to work. But I'm not optimistic for the long term in that kind of setup. If you can guarantee that neither party will change over the long run, then sure.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I would venture to guess that the people who are happiest in marriage are the people who really want to do for their spouse. They do whatever it takes to please their spouse, and the other spouse does the same. A spouse who is not willing to do that is selfish. And finding a low drive man doesn't fix the selfishness, it just hides it. And what happens when an attractive middle aged, selfish woman suddenly finds her libido and is married to a man without one? What happens when the selfish low drive man suddenly starts wanting sex and his married to a woman who doesn't?


Oh, REALLY. So, you are so selfless that you would be in a sexless marriage forever (assuming that you do like sex)? It is exactly the same thing.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I think it's good that you recognize that marrying someone who is more sexual to you would be a mistake for both parties involved. I would think therapy would be a good place to start in order to find out why you don't like sex.

Other than that finding someone who views sex in the same way you do would help you find a long term partner.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm no expert, but it could be you just haven't met the right guy yet. When you do, you might find you really want to jump his bones...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> Thanks for your replies!
> 
> The thing is, I love to show affection in other ways, you know, touching, being sweet... But the "actual" sex doesn't really work for me.
> 
> ...


One issue you might have then is finding a low drive person who also enjoys kissing, touching, etc. Most people who don't like sex also don't like much in the way of physical contact of that type. For many men, kissing, touching, cuddling, etc. are a turn on, even for guys with lower sex drives.



WorkingOnMe said:


> People change.
> 
> I would venture to guess that the people who are happiest in marriage are the people who really want to do for their spouse. They do whatever it takes to please their spouse, and the other spouse does the same. A spouse who is not willing to do that is selfish. And finding a low drive man doesn't fix the selfishness, it just hides it. And what happens when an attractive middle aged, selfish woman suddenly finds her libido and is married to a man without one? What happens when the selfish low drive man suddenly starts wanting sex and his married to a woman who doesn't?


Then no one ever should get married, because EVERYONE can change, whether you're asexual, low drive, high drive or a sex addict. If anything, this board has shown that anyones sexual desires can change dramatically over the years, whether you are a 20 year old male or a 70 year old female.


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## JoeHenderson (Oct 3, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I'm of the opinion that an asexual or low desire person can get married. It's like anything else though, be completely open from the beginning and tell anyone you start dating that sex is either not an option, or a very limited option.


Yes. It's about approximating a match in drives. Though it may not be common, you'll likely need to find a mate who is asexual. However, you might need to further explore if you are in fact asexual.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

dormant said:


> I'm no expert, but it could be you just haven't met the right guy yet. When you do, you might find you really want to jump his bones...


I have & I have. At that time, I was into sex for about two days. Then off again. I was crazy about that guy, I wish we could have gotten married... But because of this issue, we didn't.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Everyone is different..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Asexual dating sites.. here is just one of them...

To find them I did a google search on "dating asexual"


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Then no one ever should get married, because EVERYONE can change, whether you're asexual, low drive, high drive or a sex addict. If anything, this board has shown that anyones sexual desires can change dramatically over the years, whether you are a 20 year old male or a 70 year old female.


Perhaps you should read my post again because that's quite a logical leap. I was talking about how different people react to the way people change.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I would add that while it's not impossible to find a guy who is OK with your low, low sexual desire, it's not only hard but even harder than you might think. You lack a basic insight into how other people view sex, just as they lack insight into your world. 

You may find someone who thinks you just haven't met the right guy yet, who takes it as a challenge to watch you blossom under his care. Or one who thinks he's OK with little to no sex in the relationship who then discovers, months or years later, that it really does matter. 

You need to be extra careful in selecting a mate. If I were in your shoes, I would want a longer than average courtship and I would want to delay marriage as long as possible until you find someone who has the life experience, maturity, and compatibility that you're going to need to make it work.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The only way such a marriage would work is if you both feel the same way. If you are asexual, it's important that you marry someone who is the same, otherwise there is little hope of the marriage lasting.

Above all, be honest, OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Oh, REALLY. So, you are so selfless that you would be in a sexless marriage forever (assuming that you do like sex)? It is exactly the same thing.


This is why finding someone who matches you sexually is so important.... that way the two of you can agree upon what each needs. Then once you are agreed to this... meeting each other's needs.

One thing you will need to look out for in men who are low drive, it to not get one who is emotionally unavailable. You say that you are very affectionate. So make sure that any man form a relationship is too. For you a man's lack of affection or refusal to accept your affection could be as devistating as a spouse refusing sex to a normal or high drive person.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Really? Am I a weird case? I never thought that way, but I guess other women, then, want it more than me.


Not weird at all, it's just not that common. If you marry a man with a high drive, there's going to be big trouble in the marriage.

I know another woman I met in my life that talked about this. She was convinced sex was for only making children and nothing else. She had two at the time, I thought nothing of it and went on with life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mindy... Kudos to you for realizing this and addressing it. This should save you and your potential husband years of marrital discord.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is why finding someone who matches you sexually is so important.... that way the two of you can agree upon what each needs. Then once you are agreed to this... meeting each other's needs.
> 
> One thing you will need to look out for in men who are low drive, it to not get one who is emotionally unavailable. You say that you are very affectionate. So make sure that any man form a relationship is too. For you a man's lack of affection or refusal to accept your affection could be as devistating as a spouse refusing sex to a normal or high drive person.


Being married to an affectionate woman who hates sex sounds like torture to me. Granted, I'm not even close to the type of guy she should be looking for. But ya, back in the old days we called girls like that **** teases. It's the worst kind of torture, sexually speaking.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Being married to an affectionate woman who hates sex sounds like torture to me. Granted, I'm not even close to the type of guy she should be looking for. But ya, back in the old days we called girls like that **** teases. It's the worst kind of torture, sexually speaking.


And being married to a guy who constantly asks for sex is like torture to me. Wow, you really can't see how other people might be feeling, can you?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> And being married to a guy who constantly asks for sex is like torture to me. Wow, you really can't see how other people might be feeling, can you?


He's trying to apply your situation to himself and of course, it doesn't fit. That happens a lot here.

I'm married to a LD wife and honestly, it drives me crazy and is the main reason I want out. But if we'd discussed the issue before we got married, we might not have ever gotten to where we are now.

You can find somebody compatible with your drive (or lack of). Check out that website someone suggested earlier.

Good luck.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mindy345 said:


> And being married to a guy who constantly asks for sex is like torture to me. Wow, you really can't see how other people might be feeling, can you?


Which is why you should avoid a man like me at all costs. Many men would feel like they were being led on with the hugs and affection. 

But like everyone is saying, there are men out there who wouldn't feel that way. Your job is to find one. 

Oh, and me saying how I would feel being with a woman like that doesn't mean that I can't empathize with her. I can put myself in your shoes just fine. I sympathize with you. It can't be easy to find someone who fits the bill in your situation. I just hope that you find what you're looking for and that neither of you change over time, or that if you do change over time that you find some way to live with it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Yeah, I think I might go looking for guys who aren't so much into it either. Funny like that, they say I'm quite attractive. Maybe it has been the oversupply that has turned me off. Who knows?


Also be careful about the guy who thinks he can live with it. An earlier poster who is asexual (I can't find her thread) married a guy who thought he could handle it. She agreed to have sex 2-3 times a week, but described the experience as disgusting and likened it to rape. It was clear that was showing, and he was reacting awfully to it (including physically wrong actions). She had been upfront with him, but it was developing into some real issues.

Unless you find an asexual man, I would suggest some pretty thorough pre-marital counseling before tying the knot, for both your sakes.

I wish you luck.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't understand why you are willing to live with not wanting sex and just thinking orgasms are ok.It seems like you're going to accept it and I can't make sense of being ok with living that way.I could see if you've been in therapy for years,been to doctors,tried meds and the whole nine yards but didn't get anywhere so gave up.But I don't get the impression you've tried to figure it out at all. 

I'm not trying to judge or attack,I would like to understand why you're ok with living this way.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Perhaps you should read my post again because that's quite a logical leap. I was talking about how different people react to the way people change.


I did read your post quite fine thanks. Here it is below.



WorkingOnMe said:


> The problem with finding someone low drive is that it doesn't take into account that people change over time. You may hit a certain age and turn into a sexual dynamo. He may change his mind about being low drive. Or maybe you just think he's low drive, but he really has a porn addiction.
> 
> People change.
> 
> ...


You focus solely on LD/asexual people marrying (which is fine since that's the topic of the thread). I simply pointed out that you could plug any different sexual person into those parameters and you'd still have the same possibility of change, meaning that marriage for anyone would not be "optomistic" for you really. 

Anyone can change, whether you are Hugh Hefner or a monk. All anyone can do that's interested in marriage is be upfront as possible from the start and not get married until they feel comfortable that getting married to this person (whoever it may be) will bring both of you everything you both seek in a marriage. That doesn't change based on if someone is asexual/LD or not.



Mindy345 said:


> And being married to a guy who constantly asks for sex is like torture to me. Wow, you really can't see how other people might be feeling, can you?


To be fair, most people won't be able to see fully where you are coming from. This is a sex in marriage forum, with most people working to fix sexual issues in their marriage, so the concept of not wanting sex at all (or very, very little) is hard to understand. For many, it is a 180. 

I think you'll find that to be true in life as well, which is why I suspect that it'll take a more thorough search to find someone who is in line with you level of sexual desire. I trust you can find someone and hope you do, it'll just take more effort is all.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't understand why you are willing to live with not wanting sex and just thinking orgasms are ok.It seems like you're going to accept it and I can't make sense of being ok with living that way.I could see if you've been in therapy for years,been to doctors,tried meds and the whole nine yards but didn't get anywhere so gave up.But I don't get the impression you've tried to figure it out at all.
> 
> I'm not trying to judge or attack,I would like to understand why you're ok with living this way.


I sense asexual/very LD people look at sex like some people would look at sports. They understand others like it, they just can't grasp why and don't really feel like they are missing out on anything by not participating. We all have things many others like that we don't, it just so happens hers is sex. We don't try to change our desires to fit the norm because we don't really want to, and I suspect Mindy feels the same about sex.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Also be careful about the guy who thinks he can live with it. An earlier poster who is asexual (I can't find her thread) married a guy who thought he could handle it. She agreed to have sex 2-3 times a week, but described the experience as disgusting and likened it to rape. It was clear that was showing, and he was reacting awfully to it (including physically wrong actions). She had been upfront with him, but it was developing into some real issues.
> 
> Unless you find an asexual man, I would suggest some pretty thorough pre-marital counseling before tying the knot, for both your sakes.
> 
> I wish you luck.


I believe this is the thread you are referring to: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61874-asexual-wife-here-being-disrespected-lot.html


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

are you afraid you'll get pregnant-despite birth control?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I sense asexual/very LD people look at sex like some people would look at sports. They understand others like it, they just can't grasp why and don't really feel like they are missing out on anything by not participating. We all have things many others like that we don't, it just so happens hers is sex. We don't try to change our desires to fit the norm because we don't really want to, and I suspect Mindy feels the same about sex.


ok,that helps explain it. Thanks


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

This may be an amazingly stupid question, but why marriage?

My wife and I have jokingly said more than once that it might be better to divorce and simply live together because the marriage tax penalty for us is thousands of dollars a year. 

We don't really mean that of course; there are many benefits to marriage, but they all seem to tie in some way to sex and reproduction.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

If you don't desire sex, why would you desire marriage?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree with KingFan. I don't like sports, but don't care that you do. I am an athiest, but don't begrudge those who are believers.

It is the same story, just different subject.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Being married to an affectionate woman who hates sex sounds like torture to me. Granted, I'm not even close to the type of guy she should be looking for. But ya, back in the old days we called girls like that **** teases. It's the worst kind of torture, sexually speaking.


I've dated a couple of guys who were affectionate but did not like sex. They would have been good matches for the OP.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken at 20 said:


> If you don't desire sex, why would you desire marriage?


And marriage is not necessary for sex.

So why would a sexual person want to marry when it's not necessary?

I think that answer is to have a very close emotional bond with (hopefully) a life-long partner.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> If you don't desire sex, why would you desire marriage?


That's an unfair question.If you get married just to have sex then you married for the wrong reasons.Sex isn't guaranteed for life dear.Things happen all the time that prevent married couples from having a sexual relationship.Marriage is so much more than sex even though it's an important part of marriage for so many of us.

I think OP would be set if she could find an asexual man.I don't trust telling her to find an LD man because another poster brought up the excellent point that LD could always have the potential to change to HD.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You know, I hate scrubbing toillets.
But it makes my wife happy when I do it, therefore knowing I am doing something nice for my spouse provides me alot of motivation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> That's an unfair question.If you get married just to have sex then you married for the wrong reasons.Sex isn't guaranteed for life dear.Things happen all the time that prevent married couples from having a sexual relationship.Marriage is so much more than sex even though it's an important part of marriage for so many of us.
> 
> I think OP would be set if she could find an asexual man.I don't trust telling her to find an LD man because another poster brought up the excellent point that LD could always have the potential to change to HD.


I don't think that there is a clear line between LD and asexual. Even Mindy would find that one day her sex drive kicks in higher than it is right now.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> I believe this is the thread you are referring to: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/61874-asexual-wife-here-being-disrespected-lot.html


Yes, this was the one. Thanks.

Mindy - as you see in this thread, there are potential issues down the road if you do marry. Not insurmountable, but definitely there, particularly if you and your husband don't talk through them. Things to keep in mind as you move forward.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> And marriage is not necessary for sex.
> 
> So why would a sexual person want to marry when it's not necessary?
> 
> I think that answer is to have a very close emotional bond with (hopefully) a life-long partner.


My wife could answer this much better than me, but I think if you attempt to raise children with a domestic partner as opposed to a legal spouse, the list of legal scenarios and contingencies you should address with an attorney beforehand is as long as your arm.

The list ranges from inheritance to rights of survivorship to next of kin status when a partner becomes ill or legally incompetent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> My wife could answer this much better than me, but I think if you attempt to raise children with a domestic partner as opposed to a legal spouse, the list of legal scenarios and contingencies you should address with an attorney beforehand is as long as your arm.
> 
> The list ranges from inheritance to rights of survivorship to next of kin status when a partner becomes ill or legally incompetent.


There are plenty of people with sex drives who marry but do not want or just do not have children.

In most states, if not all,as long as paternity is established in court or on the birth certificate the child has the same rights as a child born into the marriage. And the father as the same rights as well.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Mindy345
> And being married to a guy who constantly asks for sex is like torture to me. Wow, you really can't see how other people might be feeling, can you?


Which is why it's essential that you find a man who feels exactly the same way you do about sex.

Here's a good link, Mindy:- http://www.asexualnews.com/index.ph...t-is-the-percentage-of-people-who-are-asexual


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There are plenty of people with sex drives who marry but do not want or just do not have children.


I understand that, but I'm not sure it answers the question of, 'Why?'

You've pointed out that marriage is not necessary for sex and I think we all agree. Is marriage necessary for a close emotional bond with a life-long partner? I'd like to think so, but I do know people who would strongly disagree. 



> In most states, if not all,as long as paternity is established in court or on the birth certificate the child has the same rights as a child born into the marriage. And the father as the same rights as well.


That's true and a good thing as far as it goes, but it's not really what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the absence of marriage entirely. 

For example, it's bad enough for children when a husband and wife both die without drawing up a will, but it's a disaster for two partners who were not married. Some states have the provision of common-law marriage for legal purposes, but not all do. My state is not one of them.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Really? Am I a weird case? I never thought that way, but I guess other women, then, want it more than me.


Yes you are a weird case and you don't have to guess; they do!

But, even though it is unusual (weird). It is not hopeless. But before I went do this route od an asexual relationship, I would get evaluated by a professional and explore why you are this way.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Yes. When first I started having sex, I never did, and I thought that that was the reason I didn't like sex. Then, one guy, determined to make me want sex (a sweet, good guy; don't get me wrong - he just wanted that we would work it out) made me have orgasms. Do I like to orgasms? Yeah, kind of, if they happen to happen, but on my free time, I don't dream about them or something.


I haven't read the whole thread, but I had to add something. You say you enjoy orgasming, and that penetration doesn't hurt, but you don't dream about or crave either of them. Honestly, as a woman who has fairly high drive usually, I don't dream about or crave sex very often either. In fact, if my husband didn't intentionally do the things that specifically turn me on, I likely would feel similarly to you. 

If I don't actively pursue sex with my husband, I can feel very apathetic and, when we do come together again, I can feel put out by it. Sex, as someone said earlier, begins with the mind. Sometimes I need to mentally work myself up to feel turned on. Mentally you seem apathetic towards sex too. Perhaps taking a more active approach, pursuing sex, would help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Created2Write said:


> I haven't read the whole thread, but I had to add something. You say you enjoy orgasming, and that penetration doesn't hurt, but you don't dream about or crave either of them. Honestly, as a woman who has fairly high drive usually, I don't dream about or crave sex very often either. In fact, if my husband didn't intentionally do the things that specifically, I likely would feel similarly to you.
> 
> If I don't actively pursue sex with my husband, I can feel very apathetic and, when we do come together again, I can feel put out by it. Sex, as someone said earlier, begins with the mind. Sometimes I need to mentally work myself up to feel turned on. Mentally you seem apathetic towards sex too. Perhaps taking a more active approach, pursuing sex, would help?


This is a good point. Women's sex drive tends to rev up the more they have sex with their partner. This is due to the hormones that are created when a woman has sex. 


Men are different, their hormones are not responsive in the same manner as those of women... Male sex hormones are more on auto pilot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I understand that, but I'm not sure it answers the question of, 'Why?'
> 
> You've pointed out that marriage is not necessary for sex and I think we all agree. Is marriage necessary for a close emotional bond with a life-long partner? I'd like to think so, but I do know people who would strongly disagree.
> 
> ...


To discuss this further here is a thread hijack.

Suffice it to say that some people feel that there is a benefit to the legal, social, financial and religious (if they are religious) bond of marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do not marry if youhave no plan to be sexual with your husband, regardless of what a foolish young man may agree to. A marriage is mainly different than all other relationships in that it is the main sexual relationship of your life.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Mindy, don't be discouraged. One thing that can ruin a woman's view on sex is feeling as if it's nothing more than an obligation. You don't _have_ to be raging, wild and on fire all the time to have a healthy sex life with a man. In fact, my raging, on fire for sex feelings have lessened in the last year or so, and I've had to learn that it sometimes takes a proactive pursuit to get those feelings revved up. And, just because I may not want to orgasm, doesn't mean I shouldn't. 

So, maybe visit a doctor and see if there's something hormonal going on, because that can effect a woman's sex drive. Being on the pill _killed_ my libido. Now that I'm off of it, it's gradually coming back, so looking into the hormonal aspect is worth the try.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Just out of curiosity: are you looking for a relationship with some sort of sexual commitment? I can understand that someone is asexual and has no desire to participate in the act. I also can understand that someone would want to share a life with someone. However why not do this and let your partner do whatever he/she needs to get his satisfaction somewhere else? If you don't value sex then why value fidelity? I'm sure there are people that are looking or willing to be in this type of relationship.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Oh crap, I see I'm posting on page 5 now. If this has already been covered then please forgive me for adding useless posts to the topic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Open up now let it all go said:


> Just out of curiosity: are you looking for a relationship with some sort of sexual commitment? I can understand that someone is asexual and has no desire to participate in the act. I also can understand that someone would want to share a life with someone. However why not do this and let your partner do whatever he/she needs to get his satisfaction somewhere else? If you don't value sex then why value fidelity? I'm sure there are people that are looking or willing to be in this type of relationship.


She's thinking of looking for someone whose sex drive, or lack thereof, matches hers.

An open marriage can lead to the spouse spending a lot of time, energy and money out side the marriage. And it can also lead to the spouse falling in love with someone else and thus divorce. Not a wise idea in most cases. Not sure it's wise in any case.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

Fair point. There's a lot of practical issues at hand with such a relationship/marriage. I still wonder if it's practically _impossible_ to have such a relationship or just more prone to failure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Open up now let it all go said:


> Fair point. There's a lot of practical issues at hand with such a relationship/marriage. I still wonder if it's practically _impossible_ to have such a relationship or just more prone to failure.


Why would a relationship between two very LD or asexual people be more prone to failure?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

In the event that I missed it, and another poster has referred the site, I strongly recommend you check out AVEN: The Asexual Visibility and Education Network | asexuality.org

Nobody here is qualified to tell you where you are at with your sexuality. What we can clearly make you aware of, without any bias or stigma ... is the way that you think and feel about sex is not the way that most people think and feel about sex.

As a result, discussions in that context tend to become rather stuck.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks, this has been really helpful. 

I have brought up the issue with my boyfriend, and it has been quite difficult explaining why I want a break-up, as he thinks that we should still "try". By that he means that he hopes that I will change, or that he can handle it. To be honest, I don't think that either of those is going to happen. 

I think it will take some time for him to fully understand this, but when it's done, I'll certainly go looking for different kind of guys.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Too bad you are zero drive .....too bad for both of you.

Kudos to you for not hiding it and springing it on him later! That would be serious "bait and switch" and it would pi** off any guy immeasurably.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

To give an emotional play by play to how a Higher drive person WILL FEEL being married to a woman /man who has no desire for making love/







, the deep penetrating fulfillment this brings to their life & well being...

Take a moment to read the article (below).....Written by a Wife who experienced 10 yrs of a good sex life to have it lost, dried up/ dead ..she doesn't say why....

This is her PAIN...... I wouldn't wish this fate on my worst enemy.... 

Your boyfriend sounds like a Great guy...(I haven't read all of these posts - just the one above mentioning how he wants to work this out)... but trust me... he is likely not as sacrificial as he thinks he IS...as he is still hanging on to *HOPE* you can CHANGE. 

You can not set a man up for this, it would be pure cruelty....but you seem to understand this, and for that... I commend you. :smthumbup:

Best to find another who will not hang on to a Hope for your coming into your sexual self...if it is NOT there.... but accept you exactly as you are, and how you feel ... .though this will not be so easy to find in life due to men's testosterone levels. (10- 50 times higher than women's).



> This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like
> 
> This post is not about virtue. It is not an ask for sympathy. It attempts to explore what I've learned about sex and sexuality since sex ended within my long-term relationship. I won't say much about why, because half of it is not my story to tell and I have no right. Just know that because of illness and after sharing a normal, monogamous, sexually active relationship for nearly a decade, my spouse suddenly lost the need, desire, and passion for sex.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mindy, 

You don't like sex, so what do you want with a mate? There is no law that says you must have a man. If you want to be asexual, that's entirely your choice and you should live a long and happy life...by yourself or in some other arrangement besides a heterosexual union. If you don't like to drive, you have no business in the Indy 500. Don't like horses, you're not jockey material. Don't believe in God? You don't need to be a minister. Be who you are but don't set another human being up for a life of misery and frustration.


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## Mindy345 (Dec 10, 2012)

Really. So, for you, marriage is only about sex?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Really. So, for you, marriage is only about sex?


It's not that marriage is _only_ about sex. There are many other aspects of marriage that are just as important; trust, respect, friendship, love, honesty, communication...but the thing is, sex is one of the primary ways a man and woman can express those things. They can express those things in other ways too, but sex is incredibly important. That's not say a marriage won't last without it, but it's highly difficult unless both spouses are compatible.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Mindy,
> 
> You don't like sex, so what do you want with a mate? There is no law that says you must have a man. If you want to be asexual, that's entirely your choice and you should live a long and happy life...by yourself or in some other arrangement besides a heterosexual union. If you don't like to drive, you have no business in the Indy 500. Don't like horses, you're not jockey material. Don't believe in God? You don't need to be a minister. Be who you are but don't set another human being up for a life of misery and frustration.


What if you don't drive but you really like the atmosphere, sounds, excitement and everything else about Indy? You shouldn't watch it at all?

If two people feel the same way about sex -that is, they don't like it- they shouldn't get together either in marriage? If they want to get married, let them get married.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Mindy345 said:


> Really. So, for you, marriage is only about sex?


Marriage is not only about sex, but the Western Judeo-Christian form of marriage is inherently a sexual arrangement. --So much so that sex with your partner consumates the contract while sex with anyone else breaches it. 

I think that's why some are questioning the idea of a marriage that is sexless by intention. 

Personally I was curious if the tax penalty would be worth it, but after thinking about it, I guess the argument would be the same as that presented by same-sex couples. There *are* legal benefits to being married.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Sex and intimacy is the foundation of a marriage. Without it most people feel rejected and unloved.

I have to say that I'm totally crazy in love with my husband, he feels the same towards me. Having frequent sex really keeps us very close together. Without it, we are more like roommates rather then a married couple. My husband and I have had a very strong marriage so far and we've been married nearly 13 years. We still hold hands every night while watching TV. We are very close and we are each others best friend.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Most of these posts are not helping the OP imo. She said that she wants a relationship with a man even though she is asexual. She is not going to "bait & switch" she will let him know beforehand and I think that her best bet is to wait about 3 years before getting married. This is to avoid marrying the dude who thinks that if she just has enough orgasms the she will increase her desire. Not true, and the other thread with the asexual girl proved it.

I think that TAM needs to make a separate section for asexuals, because they are surely misunderstood here. All they are going to see is sexually frustrated people or women with high desire. Talking about how people who are deprived of sex feel or how important sex in a marriage is doesn't work. All of society harps on about sex as if it is the beginning and end of all relationships. 

I'm sure she has heard it all by now, geez.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

as stated by several other posters including myself there are far better resources geared towards helping Mindy.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

My main concern would be, if it was me is to determine if I'm really asexual or am I just choosing to be?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

woundedwarrior said:


> My main concern would be, if it was me is to determine if I'm really asexual or am I just choosing to be?


See, you just made my point. She is not choosing this orientation, just like being homosexual, asexual is who she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

You're right, I don't personally know her so I have no helpful input. The few homosexuals that I know chose that lifestyle later in life so that is my only source. They had bad boy/girl relationships & convinced themselves to "switch sides", they weren't born or raised that way.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How do you 'choose' your sexual orientation? Is there an app for that?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Pretty sure Mindy has gone.

Will reopen at request of OP.


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