# Does it ever get better?



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

Here is my story:

About a year ago my husband of 16 years came home from work and told me he needed to tell me something, I knew something had been bothering him, so I hugged him, and we sat down and he told me that my suspicions I had 2 years earlier about he and one of my friends were right. He had had an affair. They never had intercourse, but just about everything else. It lasted 2 months, and he ended it. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, my mouth went dry. I was so confused, I wanted to hit him one second and then all I wanted was for him to hold me the next. I just wanted to die. But I still loved him, I still wanted to be married. I knew instantly I wanted to forgive him. Although I didn't tell him that for a few days. The days following are a bit of a blur, I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn't get up every morning to brush my teeth and collapse on the floor and cry for an hour. My whole world shattered. I told only my two best friends, who I know I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed without. 

So it's been a year since he revealed the affair, and 2 & 1/2 since the affair ended. I have forgiven him, and I love him. And I believe that he is truly sorry, and I believe that he is changing. I have scrutinized our marriage before the affair. It was an awful time in our lives. You see my husband was a pastor at that time, and the last 3 years in ministry were horrible. Full of stress, and feelings of failure. The other pastor my husband worked with was horrible, and he was constantly fighting with him. I had gained weight, and was feeling the stress of being the main bread winner for our family, as my husband decided to quit ministry. Also at that time, I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery. I can see how it happened. I wasn't being the best wife. Our sex life wasn't great, we were both depressed. I was sick. We were leaving the church and people we loved. Disappointing so many people. It was a very dark time. My friend was separating from her husband, and we were trying to help her as much as we could. Offering to have her stay in our home if she needed a place to go, we hired her to clean our house and over paid her. And we would go regularly to the restaurant she worked at to support her and we would leave her large tips. Looking back, I feel so dumb. I knew that he texted her, but she was our good friend. I warned him about her, and even asked him if there was anything going on. He brushed me off and told me I was paranoid. I wanted to trust him. I loved him. I was his biggest defender, and supporter. So chose I believed him. I was wrong. 

This is where I struggle, and wonder if anyone else struggles the same way, and if there is any advice. 

When I think about what happened it overwhelms me. It disgusts me. The horrible betrayal of my husband and my friend. I never confronted her, I just texted her and said "I know, please don't ever contact us again". One of the hardest things is that my husband is not the man I thought he was. I can't stop picturing them together. I feel like she stole my intimacy with my husband. We now have an amazing sex life, but every time, and I mean every time I fight my mind, images flashing through my mind of them together, thoughts of did he kiss her like this, does he think of her ( which he assures me he doesn't) It is torture. And I have good days, and bad days, but my bad days are horrible, it's like a battle in my head. I don't want to think about it, picture it. But it's like I can't control it. Sometimes I just look at him, and think this is my husband, this is the kind of man I have despised. He pretended to be something he wasn't, lied to me, his wife who was sick, cheated with my friend, used the money I was making to pay his girlfriend to clean our house, and do "other things" and left her huge tips. Even took me to her restaurant. He betrayed our faith, and our God, and the people of our church who he promised to love and serve. There are days that that is all I think about when I look at him. It's hard to talk to him about it, some of these things I would never tell him. He is so remorseful, and cries. Can't believing what he did. I truly believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe in redemption, and that God can and is honestly changing him. I see it. Our lives are in a much better place now. We are both healthy, I have lost weight, our sex life is better, and finances are better. We are communicating better than ever. And I feel closer to him than ever. Almost like a whole new life. But it's still so hard. No one knows, and I can't imagine it ever becoming public. He has not, and is not going back into pastoring. But not only would I have to deal with all of the judgement from people who found out, but it would hurt so many people. But sometimes I feel like we are lying to our friends. I feel crazy sometimes. It doesn't make much sense. 

If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. This is the first time I've written it all down. If you have advice to help me I would appreciate hearing from you.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

May I ask how you know sexual intercourse did not occur. You do realize that it is highly unlikely that 2 grown adults would do "just about everything else", and not engage in PIV.

I don't say this to hurt your feelings, but to make you aware of this fact. Why ?

Because you should be fully aware of what or are most likely really forgiving him for. He was most likely trickle truthing (TT) you. Cheaters almost always do this.

Sorry you are here.


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

barbados said:


> May I ask how you know sexual intercourse did not occur. You do realize that it is highly unlikely that 2 grown adults would do "just about everything else", and not engage in PIV.
> 
> I don't say this to hurt your feelings, but to make you aware of this fact. Why ?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

cjhl1996 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for your concern, he told me that they did not have intercourse. I choose to believe him. But at this point I don't know that it would make much of a difference if he had, It's all disgusting to me. And just because he may not have actually had intercourse with her doesn't make it less of a betrayal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

cjhl1996 said:


> Thank you for your concern, he told me that they did not have intercourse. I choose to believe him. But at this point I don't know that it would make much of a difference if he had, It's all disgusting to me. And just because he may not have actually had intercourse with her doesn't make it less of a betrayal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're absolutely right. It doesn't make it any less of a betrayal. I made the point only because for some people, certain things are just deal breakers.


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

Thank you for sharing your story. You were helping out a friend, trusting your husband, and instead of being rewarded, you were betrayed. How terrible. I'm sorry. Talking about your pain with supportive people (especially on this forum) can be therapeutic.


----------



## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

cjhl1996 said:


> Thank you for your concern, he told me that they did not have intercourse. I choose to believe him. But at this point I don't know that it would make much of a difference if he had, It's all disgusting to me. And just because he may not have actually had intercourse with her doesn't make it less of a betrayal
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The reason some folks on this forum ask about intercourse is because of STDs. Have you been tested? Has your husband been tested? Sorry to bring it up. HPV can go years without symptoms.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm a little confused. This friend that cleaned your house. Is this a different friend? Was this a second affair?


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

badmemory said:


> I'm a little confused. This friend that cleaned your house. Is this a different friend? Was this a second affair?


No it was the same girl. Sorry if it seemed confusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

damagedgoods1 said:


> Thank you for sharing your story. You were helping out a friend, trusting your husband, and instead of being rewarded, you were betrayed. How terrible. I'm sorry. Talking about your pain with supportive people (especially on this forum) can be therapeutic.


Thank you, I think it has made me feel better just being able to talk about it openly. I feel like I've been ashamed keeping this big secret. It's nice to just get it out 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

damagedgoods1 said:


> The reason some folks on this forum ask about intercourse is because of STDs. Have you been tested? Has your husband been tested? Sorry to bring it up. HPV can go years without symptoms.


I never thought of it that way Thank you for your advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

barbados said:


> You're absolutely right. It doesn't make it any less of a betrayal. I made the point only because for some people, certain things are just deal breakers.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R is tricky. Some people can R successfully and some can't -- no matter how they may feel about their spouse. So, yes, for many it does get better. But it is never forgotten and you can have triggers many years later. You feel like two steps forward and one step back. 

It's a hard road when you R. I wish I could say otherwise. But some do it well. I hope you are one.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

cj,
I am sorry your husband did this to you.  It is incredibly hard...probably the hardest thing ever. I hope it gets better for you. I chose a different path so can't really comment on the road of reconciliation. I would suggest therapy though, if you are not already doing it. You will need help dealing with the betrayal, and with working on moving forward, being strong in yourself (if that makes sense).

Do you feel like your ws is there for you now? 100%? Does he want to sweep it all under the rug or is he willing to work it through with you however many times it takes?


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The fact that he told you, unbidden, is good. I would expect he probably told the truth. Trickle truth is about damage control when caught, and let's face it, he had gotten away with it.

24 years reconciled. It gets better, but it takes years. If you love him and want him, keep going.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I would like to know what exactly your husband has done to prove that he has told you the full truth, and that he has never done anything else like this before or since. And what exactly he is doing to help you get over this.

Also, the fact that you are blaming yourself in part for what he did is a huge problem. HE cheated. You didn't. You and he were in the same marriage with the same problems. He made the CHOICE to cheat, and only he made that choice. I don't care what you were doing at the time, how much you weighed, or anything else - he fvcked up. HE fvcked up. Royally. And he is the one who must do all of the work on himself to prove that he is truly remorseful.

Your marriage, on the other hand, requires you both to work on it. You may have neglected that before or when he cheated. I certainly did. But that is totally irrelevant when it comes to him cheating. You MUST separate the two. He takes 100% responsibility for cheating on you, and you both take responsibility for the state your marriage was and is in.


----------



## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Also, the fact that you are blaming yourself in part for what he did is a huge problem. HE cheated. You didn't. You and he were in the same marriage with the same problems. He made the CHOICE to cheat, and only he made that choice. I don't care what you were doing at the time, how much you weighed, or anything else - he fvcked up. HE fvcked up. Royally. And he is the one who must do all of the work on himself to prove that he is truly remorseful.


Couldn't agree more !!!


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I would like to know what exactly your husband has done to prove that he has told you the full truth, and that he has never done anything else like this before or since.


While it is a fair question it is also a difficult one. 

There is no such thing as absolute proof of this. You can only play the odds. He came clean unbidden. What reason did he have to tell partial truth?

Leave him, and what will you do? Live alone? How do you know the next one won't cheat? You didn't expect it this time around.

Bottom line, if you want to be in a relationship you have to take a risk and trust.

With the triggers, have you told him they are an issue? Just not having to hide it helps. Do it gently if you feel so disposed, because it can be perceived as an attack on him, but don't bottle it up. It just comes out later anyway. 

One thing I found helpful was to take a deeper and more critical look at my wife's character. What were the flaws that led her to cheat? If I accept that is part of her, is she still someone who I can overall admire and respect? For example, my wife is an issue avoider. That led to her getting in deep with problems she had not confronted and being vulnerable to an affair. And she doesn't talk about things enough. Many of her "tactful statements" by my standards are lies. 

We have talked about and worked on these.

And while I agree that the affair is 100% on your husband, I encourage you to work on yourself. A stronger, better you is a happier you, whatever the future holds.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The purpose of him trying to prove to her that he's done cheating and telling the truth isn't so much that he's trying to actually prove it, but that he's DOING it. He should be falling all over himself trying to prove this to her. Proving he isn't keeping any more secrets. Offering to take a polygraph, put a keylogger on his computer, spyware and GPS on his phone, to name a few examples (these are actual things my hubby volunteered to do without me asking. The simple fact he did this was HUGE to me)

Whether you DO actually know everything or not, you will probably always have that niggling doubt at times. Comes with the territory. BS's never KNOW. But the WS has GOT to do everything within their power to minimize this as much as they possibly can.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I think I can relate a little here. I'm 15 mos. out from d-day. My WW confessed to me about a year long PA, a one night stand AND a two year long PA about 23 years ago. Needless to say I was floored, literally, I fell to the floor. And what made it so unlikely was my wife is a devout Christian, while she's not a Pastor, she lead a "Small Group" on Wednesday's, and was highly involved in the church's recovery minister, leading a study group, discussion group and singing in the worship band. Because of this I just never suspected she would ever cheat on me. I was the "jerk" in our marriage up until about eight years ago when I quit drinking. Like your spouse, mine has done everything she can to make it up to me and our "marriage" has never been "better". Except for the fact she cheated on me, lied to me, etc. I have forgiven her and she is so remorseful that I even hate to bring out up anymore, but I still do sometimes. It's getting easier everyday, and I really do love her and don't want to lose her. I still have a hard time reconciling her actions with her faith. She says she will never do anything to hurt me again and I just need to trust God that she's changed. I realize now that godly people can do ungodly things*, especially if you do not stay alert and become complacent. It still hurts and I still have bad days, but it does get better, at least it has for me and I pray it will for you too.




*Actual book I read: When Godly People Do Ungodly Things by Beth Moore


----------



## standinginthegap (Jan 16, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> The purpose of him trying to prove to her that he's done cheating and telling the truth isn't so much that he's trying to actually prove it, but that he's DOING it. He should be falling all over himself trying to prove this to her. Proving he isn't keeping any more secrets. Offering to take a polygraph, put a keylogger on his computer, spyware and GPS on his phone, to name a few examples (these are actual things my hubby volunteered to do without me asking. The simple fact he did this was HUGE to me)
> 
> Whether you DO actually know everything or not, you will probably always have that niggling doubt at times. Comes with the territory. BS's never KNOW. But the WS has GOT to do everything within their power to minimize this as much as they possibly can.


Not everyone needs to do this to show remorse or to prove they are truly sorry and won't do it again. This is where trust comes in, trust until he gives you a reason to believe otherwise. If he hasn't done anything since then to make you believe or think differently trust what he is saying that is what trust is about.

I triggers are normal, and I wonder the very same things in regards to if he did this with her the way he does it with me. Wish I could tell you how not to have them but I still struggle myself. But if your spouse is willing let him know when they do occur and talk with him about it, it might be hard but could possibly help.

I also doubt he withheld any information in regards to it, if the A happened 2 1/2 years ago and him confessing to it was on his own free will. Why come out about it just to lie about it, it's not like he was caught.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> I think I can relate a little here. I'm 15 mos. out from d-day. My WW confessed to me about a year long PA, a one night stand AND a two year long PA about 23 years ago. Needless to say I was floored, literally, I fell to the floor. And what made it so unlikely was my wife is a devout Christian, while she's not a Pastor, she lead a "Small Group" on Wednesday's, and was highly involved in the church's recovery minister, leading a study group, discussion group and singing in the worship band. Because of this I just never suspected she would ever cheat on me. I was the "jerk" in our marriage up until about eight years ago when I quit drinking. Like your spouse, mine has done everything she can to make it up to me and our "marriage" has never been "better". Except for the fact she cheated on me, lied to me, etc. I have forgiven her and she is so remorseful that I even hate to bring out up anymore, but I still do sometimes. It's getting easier everyday, and I really do love her and don't want to lose her. I still have a hard time reconciling her actions with her faith. She says she will never do anything to hurt me again and I just need to trust God that she's changed. I realize now that godly people can do ungodly things*, especially if you do not stay alert and become complacent. It still hurts and I still have bad days, but it does get better, at least it has for me and I pray it will for you too.
> 
> *Actual book I read: When Godly People Do Ungodly Things by Beth Moore


Christians fail. Sometimes they fail worse because "I'm a Christian, it can't happen to me." So they are careless.

I would support Hope1964's point here about your wife needing to demonstrate that she has changes by greater accountability. I would not accept "trust God". He makes it perfectly clear that if people choose to sin He will not stop it. And he didn't stop her last time.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

standinginthegap said:


> Not everyone needs to do this to show remorse or to prove they are truly sorry and won't do it again. This is where trust comes in, trust until he gives you a reason to believe otherwise. If he hasn't done anything since then to make you believe or think differently trust what he is saying that is what trust is about.


I am sorry, but I heartily disagree. It IS up to the WS to show true remorse, and that DOES include doing everything they can to prove they aren't still cheating. It also includes not doing anything more of course. But the BS shouldn't have to just sit back and wonder about it. The WS should be actively proving it to them



standinginthegap said:


> I also doubt he withheld any information in regards to it, if the A happened 2 1/2 years ago and him confessing to it was on his own free will. Why come out about it just to lie about it, it's not like he was caught.


There are many reasons he could have decided to confess right now. Maybe the guilt was eating him up and he's confessed to part of what he did to try and ease it. Maybe he was about to be exposed. Maybe he's with a new AP who threatened to tell his wife. Maybe he's setting the stage for a full confession later. Who knows.

Don't get me wrong, the fact he confessed is big in his favor, but it doesn't mean he's off the hook


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ministry is tough. I did it from 1985 till 2013, either full-time or part time. When I was in church ministry it was horrible. All the issues, disciplinary issues, budget, worship, etc. When I went into chaplaincy full time it was fun. Did not have disciplinary issues to deal with as far as members screwing up. I could go home and not worry about getting a phone call, or go to another stupid meeting in the evening or on weekends. I got burned in the church by two pastors who lied to me. When one resigned I was left dealing with the aftermath of a big church split. Chaplaincy in the hospital, nursing home and at a mission was very rewarding. I remember working at a nursing home and Corporate decided to fire two chaplains and have me take over two other nursing homes. The residents at the main one complained to Corporate and told them in no uncertain terms to bring me back full -time at their home. They told Corporate that they love me and will not put up with me being there only two days a week. Corporate caved and brought me back full time to that one home. When I got called up to Active Duty they had a big send off for me. 

I digressed. It has been about a year since my final D-day. I can say that there is not a time when we are having sex that I don't think about the XOM. I heard my wife's moans on a recording. It does get better over time but I am no where near healed. I am not at a point where I can look at my wife without pity, sometimes disgust, anger, or question why I am still in this M.

My wife has blossumed as a Christian. She will encourage me with Bible verses, prayer, etc. Something she did not do in the past. She will answer my questions without hesitation. She has done the heavy lifting. I have done my part as well.

I am a year out and it is still rough for me.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Wazza said:


> Christians fail. Sometimes they fail worse because "I'm a Christian, it can't happen to me." So they are careless.
> 
> I would support Hope1964's point here about your wife needing to demonstrate that she has changes by greater accountability. I would not accept "trust God". He makes it perfectly clear that if people choose to sin He will not stop it. And he didn't stop her last time.


Indeed. The Bible is full of accountability, both to God and to others. I consider myself a Christian, but I ain't no Saint. I hold my wife fully accountable like any BS would do. And she has fully lived up to her end of the deal and that's why I trust her more now. James said faith without works is dead. And my wife has proved over the last 15 months just how much she's changed. It just helps sometimes too realize that no one is immune to this issue and it could happen to anyone, even good people.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> I would like to know what exactly your husband has done to prove that he has told you the full truth, and that he has never done anything else like this before or since. And what exactly he is doing to help you get over this.
> 
> Also, the fact that you are blaming yourself in part for what he did is a huge problem. HE cheated. You didn't. You and he were in the same marriage with the same problems. He made the CHOICE to cheat, and only he made that choice. I don't care what you were doing at the time, how much you weighed, or anything else - he fvcked up. HE fvcked up. Royally. And he is the one who must do all of the work on himself to prove that he is truly remorseful.
> 
> Your marriage, on the other hand, requires you both to work on it. You may have neglected that before or when he cheated. I certainly did. But that is totally irrelevant when it comes to him cheating. You MUST separate the two. He takes 100% responsibility for cheating on you, and you both take responsibility for the state your marriage was and is in.


:iagree:

My thought exactly


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Wazza said:


> While it is a fair question it is also a difficult one.
> 
> There is no such thing as absolute proof of this. You can only play the odds. He came clean unbidden. What reason did he have to tell partial truth?
> 
> ...


Again, with the everyone cheats code?

Did you raise your kids to stay in a bad situation, because a worse one may be around the corner?

I hope not.

You are simply preaching that fear should keep you from improving your current situation. 

At what point during your reconciliation did you pick this up? You almost had a affair, but did not.

Does this not work against your theory? More importantly did you have to adapt this theory to reconcile with self respect?

Bottom line: Many people simply never ever cheat. And they always knew they wouldn't. And they are tempted and flirted with everyday of their marriage. 

But they still never do it.

Because of love, boundaries, and self respect. Many people go to their grave as loyal spouses. This is absolute fact.

Sorry for thread jack.


----------



## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

illwill said:


> Again, with the everyone cheats code?
> 
> Did you raise your kids to stay in a bad situation, because a worse one may be around the corner?
> 
> ...


You seem to accuse me of saying things I never said and don't believe. Specifically, I agree many people never cheat. I have never said otherwise. And I do not believe in staying in a bad relationship, or otherwise failing to improve your situation, out of fear. It's unworkable, and I would strongly advise the exact opposite. Did actually advise the exact opposite in the post you quoted.

The OP wants to reconcile. I did not push this to her, but I wrote about things that worked for me. What would you advise OP to do, and why? What do you think of the suggestion that the husband may be trickle truthing? How would you handle that? 

I expect I wil not agree with what you say, but I do think it would be a good thing for OP to hear and consider your perspective.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> There are many reasons he could have decided to confess right now. Maybe the guilt was eating him up and he's confessed to part of what he did to try and ease it. Maybe he was about to be exposed. Maybe he's with a new AP who threatened to tell his wife. Maybe he's setting the stage for a full confession later. Who knows.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, the fact he confessed is big in his favor, but it doesn't mean he's off the hook


...And it doesn't mean he was telling the entire truth. 

This post is exactly what I was thinking, purely because of the fact that other posters have said he is likely to have given all the truth because he confessed willingly and without you forcing it from him. This is not necessarily true.

You know when they are telling the truth because they do all they can to rebuild the trust. Just as Hope's husband is doing.

I haven't had a smidgen of that...at least not in that way. I get the manipulative transparency. Along with the offers of, for example, a poly. And when I say 'yea ok put it in place' he then refuses saying I am being ridiculous...he then gets 'opinions' from friends (which he manipulates with half truths and omissions), who of course say I....yes, that's ME, ....is unreasonable for 'demanding' such things! 

I think, because he gave the admission willingly, as far as you are currently aware, you may have some leverage in getting any further truths easier. But, don't put weight on his willingness to tell. Put weight on his willingness to SHOW you how much he regrets, and his desire to SHOW you he has changed, and his desire to SHOW complete transparency to rebuild the trust that is shattered.

And talk to him about the effects that his actions have brought upon you. His reactions should also tell you a lot.


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

Fenix said:


> cj,
> I am sorry your husband did this to you.  It is incredibly hard...probably the hardest thing ever. I hope it gets better for you. I chose a different path so can't really comment on the road of reconciliation. I would suggest therapy though, if you are not already doing it. You will need help dealing with the betrayal, and with working on moving forward, being strong in yourself (if that makes sense).
> 
> Do you feel like your ws is there for you now? 100%? Does he want to sweep it all under the rug or is he willing to work it through with you however many times it takes?


Thank you, my husband has been overwhelmingly there for me. He regularly talk things through with me he openly talks about the guilt and sorrow that he feels for what he is done. And he goes out of his way to try to show me he loves me. And have been more than accommodating in setting safe guards. Allowing me to check texts and emails. I guess I feel bad bringing it up every time it bothers me because sometimes it's every day multiple times a day. I know he's sorry I know he loves me. I don't want to stop him from healing and keep him in such a negative place. Does that make sense?

I have often wondered about doing therapy some days I think it would be nice to have somebody to talk to, and some days I wonder if it would make any difference. Thank you for your kind words


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

Wazza said:


> The fact that he told you, unbidden, is good. I would expect he probably told the truth. Trickle truth is about damage control when caught, and let's face it, he had gotten away with it.
> 
> 24 years reconciled. It gets better, but it takes years. If you love him and want him, keep going.


Thank you for your encouragement. I do love him and I think that we will make it


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

cjhl1996 said:


> *He regularly talk things through with me he openly talks about the guilt and sorrow that he feels for what he is done.*


That's probably one of the most important things he can do to demonstrate remorse. Many WS's in R are reticent to do this even if they are otherwise contrite.

That said, I agree with the other posters that suggested that he may not have given you the whole truth - just because he confessed.

It's up to him to show consistency with his remorse. And it's up to you to hold him accountable for doing so.


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> I would like to know what exactly your husband has done to prove that he has told you the full truth, and that he has never done anything else like this before or since. And what exactly he is doing to help you get over this.
> 
> Also, the fact that you are blaming yourself in part for what he did is a huge problem. HE cheated. You didn't. You and he were in the same marriage with the same problems. He made the CHOICE to cheat, and only he made that choice. I don't care what you were doing at the time, how much you weighed, or anything else - he fvcked up. HE fvcked up. Royally. And he is the one who must do all of the work on himself to prove that he is truly remorseful.
> 
> Your marriage, on the other hand, requires you both to work on it. You may have neglected that before or when he cheated. I certainly did. But that is totally irrelevant when it comes to him cheating. You MUST separate the two. He takes 100% responsibility for cheating on you, and you both take responsibility for the state your marriage was and is in.



I'm so sorry I came off that I was taking all the blame for what happened in my marriage, I, and my husband both acknowledge that it was 100% his decision to have an affair it was 100% his fault. But I have to acknowledge my part in the breakdown of our marriage at that time of our lives, If anything just to understand slightly how it happened and to look at what was going on and change things so that won't happen again. And my husband and I have talked a lot about how that is not all on me most of it is on. I'm sorry if I did not make that clear. 

As for what he he is doing to prove to me that is not lying, He has gone above and beyond. He has deleted his Facebook account we have set up on our phones where I received and see all of his text messages. He always tells me where he is, and regularly communicates w me. But I know that the text messages and the social media are surface, I guess I realize that if he wants to cheat on me then that's the heart of the problem and I decided I don't want be the police in my marriage,I want a partnership. What honestly means the most to me is his transparency and his willingness to listen to me and talk to me and be honest with me. We regularly have long conversations where we both end up crying. Sometimes he is even the one to start the conversation. I see him growing in his relationship with God again. It's like we have a whole different life and hold different marriage. So sorry I did not make this clear in my original post, because I was focusing on my mind which is what I struggle with every day despite the goodness that our marriage is right now. Thank you so much. I hope that this clear things up


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Everything you have posted above is very encouraging. What you are experiencing as far as your own feelings is normal, as far as the word 'normal' applies to infidelity. It takes 2 to 5 YEARS for a BS to recover from their partner cheating. It's a long, long road. My husband and I are almost 4 years out, and even still there are times that something will just hit me out of the blue. But it's far, far easier to deal with now.

I highly recommend IC for you and for him, and MC for the both of you. Your husband needs to figure out what he lacks in himself that led him to cheat. And you need to find within yourself the true will to R. You need to be sure, and it's impossible to figure that out for yourself IMO. I clearly remember the moment in my IC's office when I knew. He led me through an exercise that was exactly what I needed for clarity. And we still attend MC. We rarely discuss his cheating now, but it does still come up every once in a while. It will always bother me, and there will always be things stemming from it that we have to work through. Just like any other crisis.


----------



## cjhl1996 (Feb 13, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Everything you have posted above is very encouraging. What you are experiencing as far as your own feelings is normal, as far as the word 'normal' applies to infidelity. It takes 2 to 5 YEARS for a BS to recover from their partner cheating. It's a long, long road. My husband and I are almost 4 years out, and even still there are times that something will just hit me out of the blue. But it's far, far easier to deal with now.
> 
> I highly recommend IC for you and for him, and MC for the both of you. Your husband needs to figure out what he lacks in himself that led him to cheat. And you need to find within yourself the true will to R. You need to be sure, and it's impossible to figure that out for yourself IMO. I clearly remember the moment in my IC's office when I knew. He led me through an exercise that was exactly what I needed for clarity. And we still attend MC. We rarely discuss his cheating now, but it does still come up every once in a while. It will always bother me, and there will always be things stemming from it that we have to work through. Just like any other crisis.



Thank you so much for your advice and your encouraging words. We have not done counseling at all you mind if I ask how you found your counselor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We started IC through my husbands EAP - they assign a counselor for you. We also stared MC through them, and happened to get a really good no nonsense MC, a woman, that introduced us to Gottman. Once we maxed out the free service, we went to Catholic Social Services and started with an MC there. By this time we were both done with IC, altho my hubby shouldn't have been. We followed the counselor we got thru CSS when she went private. Our group plans pay for MC 100% if we go every 5-6 weeks. Anything more frequent costs us.

We did have an MC thru the EAP a few years ago that was useless, so we kinda lucked out this time. Altho the IC my husband had this last time wasn't very good - she SHOULD have referred him to someone specializing in sex addiction once she decided that's what he had. But she tried to keep counseling him and he ended up hiring a hooker right after he and the IC had come up with a 'plan' to keep him out of trouble. She was in over her head.


----------

