# Falling for married coworker. outside advice requested



## dinosaurtroy (Jun 16, 2012)

Sorry for the long story, trying my best to only give important details. This is my situation over the past 8-10 months. I just need outside advice/criticism/thoughts.

I started working with this woman years ago. I had immediate interest in her when I first met her up until I saw she was married. (I divorced prior to meeting her) I then completely backed away, and had zero intent to pursue her. Some months ago she started showing interest in me and we began talking outside of work. Shortly after we started talking we go out for drinks with mutual friends. She is (for lack of better words) all over me and at first I didn’t know what to do as she was married but as the night progressed I felt comfort in being up on her as well. (we have never had sex)

The following day she calls me and in discussion of the past night she explains “I am happily married and things will not progress past what happened last night. I had an amazing time though and we should do it again.”

_If she is happily married why does she want/need my attention?_

I think fine, we will just have this flirty friendship that could be kind of fun. Which was exactly what it was. Of course, over time I developed more interest and actually starting falling for her. All the while her husband is questioning the situation.

At this point I take her out to lunch and basically tell her; “Look, things are getting messy. I am falling for you and it is unhealthy for me to feel this way as we can’t be together. As well as your husband is starting to question what the hell is going on. I think we should stick to a working relationship“

Her reaction to this is complete bitterness. She was upset and mad at me. I figured this was a small price to pay to have my emotions back.

_Why did this upset her so much? It seemed pretty obvious this was the right morale solution to our situation?_

Of course nothing is ever that easy. We go a few months without talking outside of work duties and she seemingly out of the blue sends me an email which details her apology for being “cruel to me over the last couple months.” I never noticed her being “cruel,” just less chatty at work which was expected. Well I’m sure this was a well-executed plan that worked. We began to talk once again. 

Here I am today, some time after we started talking again. I can’t get her off my mind and my feelings for her are stronger than ever. Hind sight is 20/20; I should have just backed away the minute she told me she was happily married. 

No, I am not going to ask how to make her mine. Yes, I am positive I know what I need to do I just want to hear it from people that aren’t my friends. Any ideas on how to “let her down” without her getting so upset would be nice too.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Stop worrying about letting her down. Stop worrying about her being upset, unless she is in your supervisory chain. (And if she is, you need to have a little chat with HR.)

She tried to play you, and you didn't play. She's going to be pissed about that for a long time. Not your problem.

Also, welcome!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Don't do anything you aren't comfortable with. You did the right thing.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

You already know what is going on in terms of her wanting more attention from you and know what the possible outcomes are. I'd back away and maintain as much emotional distance as possible. Yes, she's going to be upset, but that's not your issue. You need to preserve your integrity because otherwise, things will get really messy. 

Try to find someone outside of work to date and to get your mind off of your co-worker.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Let her go. She is being unfaithful to her husband. You do not need to be investing your emotions in her.

Yes I do believe that you owe her marriage distance even though she does not honor it.

Let her go. Have no contact with her. Do not feed this. It will die if you let it. This is not healthy for you. You deserve better than this.

Find someone else to invest in. Someone with real honor to them. Someone ... worthy.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You have no reason to "let her down easy". She keeps coming on to you. You don't want to play that game. Tell her one last time to leave you alone unless it has something to do with WORK ONLY. If she emails you again, ignore it. You have no obligation to make her feel good.

And, as Lamaga said...welcome.

P.S. I was all set to yell at you before reading the post. Glad I did. Just tell her to back the f*ck off and leave you alone. That is ALL you need to do.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

She most likely is not happily married. If she is, she is using you to boost her ego.

What is "All over me", exactly?

Her reaction to to telling her you were not going there falls under the category of "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

If it were your wife would you want someone doing what you did that night?

The bigest favor you could do to her husband is to tell him what is going on.

Run. Away.


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## dinosaurtroy (Jun 16, 2012)

Thank you all for the responses. I truly appreciate the advice and thoughts. 

After reading your responses you guys are completely correct. I should not worry about her feelings post "leave me alone, good-bye." Me telling her off is probably the best thing that can happen for both of us (if she truly values her marriage).

Posse I agree 100%. I have always thought she can't be _happily_ married. Or not has happily as she thinks. When I was happily married, I never even thought of needing or wanting attention from anyone else. I am sure there is some deficiency that I fill.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you had what is called an emotional affair. They can be devistating to a marriage. Usually more devistating than something like a one night stand or a short sexual fling. 

She is emotionally tied up in you. Thus she's not all the way in her marriage. 

As you know, your best bet here is to tell her it's move and to leave you alone.

There are plenty of single women out there looking for a good man.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

BACK AWAY. Her advances are gross and you shouldn't want any part in breaking up a marraige.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You could just tell her husband, that would end any possibility of having to rely on your own willpower to stay out of the situation.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She is (for lack of better words) all over me and at first I didn’t know what to do as she was married but as the night progressed I felt comfort in being up on her as well.


Huh? Would you be comfortable if someone did the same to your wife/gf?


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## Phoenix2011 (Sep 7, 2012)

dinosaurtroy said:


> Sorry for the long story, trying my best to only give important details. This is my situation over the past 8-10 months. I just need outside advice/criticism/thoughts.
> 
> I started working with this woman years ago. I had immediate interest in her when I first met her up until I saw she was married. (I divorced prior to meeting her) I then completely backed away, and had zero intent to pursue her. Some months ago she started showing interest in me and we began talking outside of work. Shortly after we started talking we go out for drinks with mutual friends. She is (for lack of better words) all over me and at first I didn’t know what to do as she was married but as the night progressed I felt comfort in being up on her as well. (we have never had sex)
> 
> ...


What ever happened? 

I had a similar experience last year and it did NOT work out well. The long and the short of it is that I lost my job, career, and the person I cared about most in this world. We were both unhappily married, no kids, she made the first move, I tried to do what was right, it pissed her off, and I paid the ultimate price. The worst part of it is that my friends told me, and even my therapist admitted (yes, I turned to a psychologist over this), if I had decided to have an affair I'd probably still have my job (assuming we didn't get caught). They also said it likely wouldn’t have worked out well anyway in the long run. 

Love isn't rational, so be warned: "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." --William Congreve

When people give advice in our situation to find another job, it really is the best thing to do (even in an economy like this). The only hope you have is to never admit having feelings (which you already did) or finding another job. My partner and I both admitted to having them (her confession came way before mine six months later). She even physically hit on me (something I never did). In the end, you can, as I did, find yourself the victim of a woman’s (or a man’s) theatrics and deception in an attempt to satisfy their anger and save their ass. 

Unwilling to hurt the people I cared about; I fell on the sword and lost virtually everything. I’m still paying the price almost a year later and, at least up until now, it has not been worth it.

Be warned people, avoid emotional affairs at work. They’re as bad as physical ones, and in my case, even worse.


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