# How do I engage again? Is it possible?



## notsurewhattodo (Dec 10, 2010)

I'm at a loss right now. I have been married to my husband for 11 years this month and we have 3 kids. We've had a rough couple of years with starting (and then losing) a business which has taken quite a toll on us. For my husband it manifested itself in taking too many pain killers, checking out emotionally, pulling away from his family, etc. I was left to deal with the business falling apart while maintaining a fulltime job, dealing with his depression, the kids, etc. I lost my friends because of his his dislike of one of them in particular and lack of ability or interest in hiding it from them - they were willing to give me up so I guess they weren't great friends to begin with but it still hurt. We've lost our house to foreclosure and are in the process of filing for bankruptcy.

I've become close to a co-worker (married) who doesn't work in the same office, we haven't crossed the line but I have feelings for him. They are probably just compensating for feeling empty at home but it is still there.

I've recently told my husband I'm not happy, that I don't feel the same way and that I feel dead inside. I am sure I shocked him since he was just 'existing' and focusing on how depressed he's been. He's done a complete 180 since then. He's reconnected with his family, he's not trying to get numb with his pain killers, he is exercising, he tells me he loves me all the time, he's engaged in what is going on with the kids, etc. That should be wonderful, but I find it annoying now since I can't just stop feeling the way I do - empty and focusing on all of the things I've had to deal with alone, the fact that when times got tough he wasn't there for me and then having these feelings for this other person that isn't available and likely doesn't feel the same way anyway.

How do I go back to the way I was? We're starting counseling next week and while I know we need help, I just don't know that there is anything that I can do to change how I feel. It makes me sad to feel like I can't or don't want to give anything to this person that used to make me happy. He deserves more but I don't know that I can give it to him. I don't want to have sex anymore. I feel like I've seen a side of him that makes me realize that I have to always be the strong one and I don't think I can always do that.

Any ideas? People have said 'fake it till you make it' - does that work? What if I don't want to? I don't want to tear the family apart but I don't know how long I can live like this, feeling the way I do.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I hope someone with first hand experience will respond. I know this from the side of the husband who has changed but is waiting for his wife to fully reconnect. I think she is nearly there. The only thing I can suggest is time. You loved him once, I really think with MC you can love him again. You are just so hurt and burned out right now you can't even begin too. It also might be a good idea to move out to a friends house or nearby apartment for a month or so. This will be hard on your husband. Keep spending time together whenever you can, but you can collect your thoughts and destress there.

Your husband will also mess up again. Its going to be hard for him too. Make sure to not make it into something huge. Tell him that whatever he did hurt you, but you have enjoyed the changes he has made. I think he will slowly have to build your trust. Its going to be hard for you when your newly found trust is partially shattered due to something. 

I suggest hand jobs instead of sex if you can. It will renew his ability to work towards the marriage and feel somewhat connected to you while you are unable to until there is more trust.

A lot of posts here talk about men needing to show they are the strong one. Tell this to him. Tell him you need consistency and strength from him.

Stay strong and best of luck. I really think you will be able to reconnect, even if you do not see it as possible now. Your love for your husband will be different, but i think it will slowly grow.

Either way, divorce or reconnecting is going to be hard. I really hope you can reconnect after time and be happy again. I have seen my wife go from 100% disconnected to mostly reconnected, having sex again, and then moving out (2 months in the current time frame) so she can continue to work on reconnecting. The NEW foundation in our marriage is probably the best its ever been, but its still very new and weak.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

if you told him you are tired, and cant keep doing this...gve him time to process this, cuz its huge news. 
yes i do believe your feelings are just displacement feelings...do not act on them..stay away from this other person, you said work in same building?? just make excuses to walk away or eat with someone else.

go to h and ask him what he feels about what you said, tell him you want to change. what changes can the two do together to change, tell him you have grown distant, and would like for the both of you to check back in. 

start talking aboout doing something fun or going somewhere together...it will be work and it will be hard, but you could get it all back aand it could be better..

and you know in your heart of hearts, that nothing good will come of the guy from work, even if you left your h, you would bring all the baggage from your current relatoinhip, and it would poision and toxify any thing new right now..work on resolving your issues with h and finding the love all over again...it will be better on the oter side.

best wishes.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

notsurewhattodo, does this ever hit home! The circumstances that got me where I am now are different, but the end result and feelings sound very similar.

I've done an individual session with our counselor, and we've done a joint session. Plus a few "on our own" sessions without the counselor. One of the phrases that the counselor used in my individual sessions was "you've already grieved for your marriage", and that's why I'm not feeling many emotions in the sessions that we're doing. Maybe that's the same for you.

In my case, I think this weekend will be the weekend to tell her that I just don't think things are going to work out. I was waiting to get through a couple of the sessions first, just to hear her side and see if it changed my mind about whether we can recover, or more accurately, if I want to try to recover our marriage. Nothing has come forth that has changed my opinion, so... At the same time, for the sake of the family, I don't really want to split things up till after the holidays... Not a fun situation to be in... 

But if I stay, it's to avoid hurting her and the kids, but I'll be miserable. I don't see that changing or improving. If I go, even to separate and try to see where I'm at, it'll make me happy (I hope, eventually), but make them miserable, but I would believe that eventually they'll adjust. I know I'm not the father or husband I can be, or want to be.

BTW, I tried faking it through the Christmas season... My initial plan was to not bring up our issues at all until after Christmas. I lasted a month, and I was so stressed by that point from holding it inside that we had to have a sit-down discussion last month. I was losing weight, job performance was degrading, etc... As soon as we had the talk about something being very wrong with our marriage, it felt like a huge weight was lifted from me. At that time though, I didn't tell her that I didn't think things would work out; it came up once, and I said I didn't know (which was true, but I was leaning stronger to the "not working" side). Now, the stress is coming back because I realize I have to tell her that I don't think things are going to work out, and we should start preparing for at least a trial separation, as anx suggests. I've talked to a friend of mine who has a room for rent, so I've got things somewhat covered from that end already. But I'd prefer to not have to implement that till the New Year, mostly for the family. If it was me, I'd have moved out already and begun the process.

C


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## so_sad (Nov 23, 2010)

I am going through the same thing. I have been with my husband for 12 yrs and I felt like he was emotionally detached from me for the last 4. I tried and tried to get him to open up and talk to me about things and I would tell him how I felt and I never got any feedback. It wasn't the same exact scenario because my husband dove into work and was there alot. Now that I am finally emotionally drained and can't do this alone anymore I told him I was going to move out. He is totally heart broken and wants me to stay, says he loves me all of the time and like you I get annoyed. I feel like he should have been doing the things he is doing now all along and not only when he feels like he is losing me. I am going to continue to move out because I don't want to say I am going to stay and then things go back to the way they were. It is to emotionally upsetting to do this over and over again.... We can talk if you want.

Just like PBear said about the counselor---you have already grieved for your marriage. I heard the same from mine. She said it takes a strong person to live in a marriage alone for as long as I did which is why I feel nothing now..you eventually give up. Not your fault.


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## notsurewhattodo (Dec 10, 2010)

An update...

Last Tuesday we had our first, and likely last marriage counseling session. It was pretty uncomfortable but I didn't think it was terrible, but apparently my husband thought so. He wanted to have coffee after but I had to get back to work - walking away I knew I made a mistake, but I had just missed half a day of work the day before so I was feeling bad about missing more.

I had texted him a couple of times as I was leaving work and he never responded. I got home and he was sitting there watching tv. I tried to ask him what he wanted to do for dinner, etc. He completely flipped out on me about the session, how I talked to this guy at work (who was having his own problems) about our situation, and how I should call him to see what we should have for dinner etc. Completely being childish and/or jealous. I've worked with this guy for 14 years and seriously there is nothing there. Anyway, I told him it wasn't ok for him to talk to me like that (screaming/yelling) and that I could talk to him when he calmed down. He kept getting in my face so I left the house to diffuse the situation.

When he called me to come home, he had calmed down and he tried to explain that he was feeling left out because I had shared my thoughts or feelings with someone else and not him. The next day was more sharing about how hurt I was that he talked to me that way, how I can't give him what he needs right now and how unfair it is that I can't have any type of conversation with anyone but him. "How long are you going to be dead inside?" was his quesiton. I told him I didn't know, I don't know why I'm like this and I don't know how long it will take. 

"What can he do?" he wanted to know. I told him that he just needed to act normal, basically pretend like I never said anything. Since then things have been. I am trying not to focus on how I feel or what's going to happen. He loves me so much it makes me feel bad for not loving him the same back. I don't know how to be different, so at this point I'm going to have to fake it I guess.

I feel pretty lonely though. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. When I talk to him it is just a mess. I need to be able to talk to someone without measuring every word that comes out of my mouth in case it is taken wrong or hurts his feelings. My short-term goal is to focus on getting through the holidays and focus on the kids. Wounds will change into faded scars at some point right?


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