# Bisexual husband? a mans opinion please



## amanda1959

Can you men let me know what you think of a husband who has met with a strange man on line for oral sex. I found out by reading his e-mail that he was talking to men for sexual favours. He was mortified and we are working through it but it has been really hard. He wants to save the marriage and says he made a mistake because he was depressed about his unemployment. He says he had a hard time staying erect during it but did ejaculate.
He know travels with his male colleage and the share a hotel room to save money for the company. This colleage is also married. I am now uncomfortable with this sleeping arrangement and this relationship makes me nervous. My husband swears up and down nothing is going on with this colleage and that he is heterosexual and not bi and never will be. Can a heterosexual man let another man preform oral on him without being gay?


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## Mike70

Do you trust that your husband was only receiving oral? Sounds to me like he has more interest in sex acts with men than he may be letting on. You don't let a guy go down on you unless you like it. Did he say the guy seduced him? How many times has this happened?

You should definitely consider asking him to submit himself for STD testing.


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## amanda1959

Well as it turns out when I broke into my husbands e-mail account I received an e-mail from the guy asking for another "date". I pretended I was my husband and from the fake conversation with the guy I could tell he was just offering oral without any need for reciprication (sp?). My husband has had all tests and I was told herpes could be transmitted from oral sex.
That is my unaswered concern. Can a heterosexual man really let a guy go down on him without being bi/homosexual himself? He said he could barely stay erect but did finish when he closed his eyes. He did say the guy seduced him and keep e-mailing him over and over saying come on, no one will find out. I don't think it was more than oral from the e-mail conversation and judging from the ad and pictures this guy has on the swinger website. Thanks for the concern.


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## Mike70

amanda1959 said:


> Well as it turns out when I broke into my husbands e-mail account I received an e-mail from the guy asking for another "date". I pretended I was my husband and from the fake conversation with the guy I could tell he was just offering oral without any need for reciprication (sp?). My husband has had all tests and I was told herpes could be transmitted from oral sex.
> That is my unaswered concern. Can a heterosexual man really let a guy go down on him without being bi/homosexual himself? He said he could barely stay erect but did finish when he closed his eyes. He did say the guy seduced him and keep e-mailing him over and over saying come on, no one will find out. I don't think it was more than oral from the e-mail conversation and judging from the ad and pictures this guy has on the swinger website. Thanks for the concern.


Well Amanda, as a man, i can say that I would never let a guy go down on me without him being the last living creature on the planet, no matter how many beers. 

How does a non-bi-sexual guy get "seduced" by hot chat from a guy?

It could be a one time slip up... but still.


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## amanda1959

yes so it remains a mystery and this is why I am going crazy, yet I have heard other men say they consider themselves heterosexual but would receive oral from a man just to get off...it's all so twisted to me enough to send me back to therapy.


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## cody5

Mike70 said:


> Well Amanda, as a man, i can say that I would never let a guy go down on me without him being the last living creature on the planet, no matter how many beers.


:iagree:

Do you like to gamble Amanda? Because if you do, name the stakes. My bet is he's gay.

I'll stretch a little and say that a bi-man actually can exist (my own personal opinion is that "bisexul" men are actually gay men coping in a hetero world.). So to fit into your definitions, he's bi. To translate into my definitions, he's queer as can be. I'll disagree with Mike in one sense only. If me and another guy are the last two people on earth, we travel the globe looking for old porn and I do it with my hand. That last man is STILL not putting my **** anywhere NEAR his mouth. There would have to be a stockpile of blowup dolls we could find also.


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## amanda1959

so is he lying, how will I really know


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## Mike70

cody5 said:


> I'll disagree with Mike in one sense only. If me and another guy are the last two people on earth, we travel the globe looking for old porn and I do it with my hand. That last man is STILL not putting my **** anywhere NEAR his mouth. There would have to be a stockpile of blowup dolls we could find also.


LOL

I can agree, and stick with that.


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## Mike70

amanda1959 said:


> so is he lying, how will I really know


You won't really know.

Your husband is gay curious. That is a fact, and just a hop, skip and small jump from being gay.

If he wants to stay with you, then stay with him if you can tolerate his adultery. If however your thoughts are constantly drawn to his image engaging in homosexual acts, and you cannot disassociate such imagery from him, then you probably have to say bye.


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## amanda1959

Yes thank you, and I am also concerned about my health if he is in fact unable to tell me if he is coming out of the closet. He could be very deep in denial himself and I don't want to spend the next 5 years figuring that out. Thanks you for your input...


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## amanda1959

any more male opinions on this I should take a survey


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## Uptown

Amanda, compared to the European countries, ours is still very conservative and narrow minded with respect to the wide differences in sexuality that are exhibited by human beings. Until two decades ago, we would not even recognize the existence of transexual people and many people still hold onto the mistaken belief that sexual preference is entirely learned, not inherited. 

While many people believe there are only two polar extremes -- gay and straight -- the reality is that most people are born with preferences somewhere along a continuum between those two extremes. That is why studies have found that nearly half of the males have had a homosexual experience before leaving high school. 

By the time they reach their mid-twenties, however, those guys' preferences become narrowed greatly, with the vast majority focused only on women. Indeed, if some of my friends are any guide, they may be so focused that they want an early 20's brunette woman with long legs in four-inch heels.

But, yes, bisexuals constitute a substantial portion of society. They are not treated very well by the straights and gays because both of those groups tend to regard them as gays. Indeed, many -- if not most -- gay men take offense from a man's claim of being bisexual because they think he is trying "to pass" as being half normal. 

Consequently, my advice is to consider your H to be bisexual to some degree unless you find evidence to the contrary. By "to some degree," I do not mean a 50/50 split. It may be 25/75 or 90/10. My point, then, is that it is somewhere on a continuum -- not at the polar extremes.

Moreover, his being bisexual does not mean he is so stupid as to try to have casual sex with a co-worker. Unless he is very immature or has a personality disorder, it is unlikely he wants to have casual sex with a married co-worker with whom he will be working for years to come. 

Finally, I agree that couples counseling would be invaluable if you two intend to try to save your marriage. I wish you two the best. Take care.


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## mrnice

amanda1959 said:


> so is he lying, how will I really know


When he's in the shower, go through his messages on his phone.
Check his phone bills, see who he's ringing.

Get that software program that records most conversations on the puter without him knowing. 

If you really want to know, hire a P.I to follow him. 

Pretty hardcore stuff I know,,, but i can tell you first hand being in a relationship where the other partner was committing acts of infidelity is something you need to dig deep and say enough is enough and move on. 
Especially if its with another guy and he's a guy. That's terrible.

Oh and to answer your question as to whether I'd let another man do those acts on me being a hetero? 
Sorry I'd rather die.


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## cody5

One thing I can recommend. Don't listen to that psychobabble from Uptown unless sources are divulged. Half of high school students leave school with NO experiences, let alone homsexual ones. That's the biggest load of crap I've ever read.

I want to see that survey, Amanda. Come on guys: If you're going to stray from your marriage once, will it be for penis or *****? And if for the former, are you secretly gay?

I'm sorry. In a male society there is little gray area. You like one or the other. I've got so many cumulative hours logged masterbating that it's almost criminal. ZERO minutes of that spent thinking of men while doing it.


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## nice777guy

Cody - I agree wholeheartedly, except I think it is within the "realm of possibility" that _this guy_ got curious and did something once just to try it.

Just because most of us can't relate to this doesn't mean that it CAN'T possibly a one time thing.

After 25 years of marriage, I would think that Amanda / the wife would have some clue about his preferences.


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## amanda1959

Thank you Uptown and Mr Nice,
Yes I have learnt from counselling that there are different degrees of sexuality and we tend to want to put tags (names) to them bi, homosexual and heterosexual etc. but in the end your life partner should be very clear on the rules of engagement. The computer and cell phone are all open I made it that way. I have full access to everything. We are going back to a counsellor this Thursday because I don't know how a heterosexual man can get seduced by a bisexual man without being at least bisexual himself. (there go the tags again) From most of the resposes I have gotten from heterosexual men there is NO way this would happen. No man is going to touch you. My husband says it was a mistake, he didn't enjoy it, it was a one time thing...etc he is heterosexual.
Is it possible that he was so ****ed up from the porn and depressed from unemployment that he lost it and got head from a guy? kinda of like mental illness...depression acted out. This is where we are now. I am really looking forward to hearing from the therapist he was seeing about this.I love my husband and 25 years of marriage and two beautiful children. Please God give me my peace of mind back. If this is some kind of repressed desire he needs to let it out. I would hate to have that problem.


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## cody5

It's simple. Hook him up to a polygraph. You ask two questions:

- Do you think of men when you masterbate?
- Do you think of women when you masterbate?

See what the needles tell you.

He will NEVER come clean on his own and you have a right to know.

And before you jump all over me, demanding access to his cell phone/email is on the same level as a polygraph.


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## sisters359

You are absolutely right: if he is revealing a long-secret desire, then perhaps the best thing to do is to let him know it is ok, and you understand. You cannot risk your healthy by having sex with someone who has sex with another--it's pretty much that simple. So, you may choose divorce or legal separation but as an act of kindness and self-protection, nothing else. You seem to understand he may be dealing with something very serious, and you seem to be compassionate about it. Stick with the counseling and see where it goes.

FWIW, I cannot see a straight guy "straying" for a gay hook-up. Bi or gay. Def not straight, IMHO. And like you, I'd rather help someone I love with that, than deny them access to their true self.


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## amanda1959

Obviously from my perspective it is VERY confusing, therefore we will continue with the therapy. Most heterosexual men I have asked say no way! No man will ever touch me! so I guess that leaves me with alot of questions for his therapist to answer on Thursday.
I have been with this man for over 30 years. He is 50 years old one would think if he was homosexual or had bi tendencies there would have been some clue by now...ie. anal sex, not liking oral sex on me, looking at men, looking at gay porn etc
He was unemployed for over a year and he was spending alot of time rotting away in "porn land". I have read how porn effects the brain and it is quite remarkable, doctors equate the high of seretonin and dopamine to a cocaine high. No wonder it is additive. After you get addicted to the chicks with men, your brain wants a chick with two men, then two women one man, shemales, gang bangs, bisexual, homosexual etc etc not necessarily in that order. My point is it becomes the norm. Pubic hair is old fashioned and one night you look down at your genitals and think the hair on your testes is gross as well. You are now in the "PORN ZONE" somewhat like the twilight zone...not reality but an escape. Why does my wife have pubic hair? why doesn't she want me up her ass and her cousin Bobby in her mouth...you are now in a bottomless pit. Anyway I got on a porn tangent there.
I believe my husband was in some pit, powerless and depressed. Why a blow job from a guy? I don't know? Was he trying to regain his power without thinking he was cheating on me? He lost control. Is he in the closet?

Only time will tell...I love this man so much but I would never want him to be in denial for my sake...pray for me


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## amanda1959

To Cody
I asked him how it felt when he was receiving from this man and he said he was having a hard time staying erect so he said he closed his eyes and thought of a woman. Here in is a big question I have for the therapist. He was so disconnected that he was physically with a man but had to fantasize about a woman to ejaculate. Don't you think he has a problem? He was out of control...


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## steve71

Amanda, i'll just say that, far from being psychobabble, Uptown's contribution is a simple, lucid exposition of the experiences of many men - and women - and certainly accurately describes a period of change in my life up to my mid-twenties.

It's very possible that your husband was so distressed and disorientated by his unemployment that he impulsively did something he had previously denied himself. So in that sense it's possible for a man who functions as a hetero to receive oral - and very possible he wishes he hadn't crossed that boundary. I suggest lots of loving dialogue and some counseling too as the most wholesome way of resolving your doubts.


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## Uptown

cody5 said:


> Don't listen to that psychobabble from Uptown unless sources are divulged. .... That's the biggest load of crap I've ever read. I want to see that survey.


Cody, I was referring to the Alfred Kinsey survey of 20,000 men which was pathbreaking because he was the first researcher to recognize a distinction between homosexuality and bisexuality. That study found that nearly 46% of the male subjects had "reacted" sexually to persons of both sexes in the course of their adult lives and 37% had at least one homosexual experience. Those reports are discussed at length at wikipedia.org and at kinseyinstitute.org. 

The Institute later reduced the 37% figure to 36% after culling out the male prostitutes and ex-prisoners from the 20,000 participants in the survey -- in response to critics complaining that inclusion of those people had caused the figures to be too high. Other critics have complained that the figures are biased too low because they are based on self-reported data that were collected in face-to-face interviews at a time when men were afraid to admit to such activity.


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## amanda1959

Thank you steve71 I am hoping for the off chance that in therapy I will learn that it was a once in a lifetime regretable brain fart and if not I will have to trust that more will be revealed to me in time...ah the joys of marriage it's such a leap of faith...thank you uptown I will speak to the Kinsey report in therapy as well...PS tell your wives how much you love them tonight! hope you all get lucky! hell maybe even a ... you are all wonderful. Be good.


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## momof6girls

i checked with my totally gay friend (was married and had 2 children before he opened up) ok here was his input...

he meets men out and about and some are married and happy with there wifes and kids and house and dog set up... and yes they dip on the wanting a bj from a man for a few reasons but one for sure they say a man gives well because he knows what he likes so he can give it...? 

can he get bj from a man and not be gay... my friend says yes it is the line they draw saying i am a real man i only get bj's... ok

with that said my bf also said that "that is where it normally starts and more will follow if allowed"


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## cody5

OK. I'll get my knuckledragging, mouthbreathing butt out of here and bow to the expertise of a Kinsey report and real life queer. But keep in mind, you asked for opinions of hetro men. So if your keeping score at home, it's:

Not a chance in hell - 2
Back when I was WAY confused about my sexuality I'd have done it - 1
Yes, I'm a totally straight man and I'd think about it - 0

Not a statistically representative sample, but a start.

Best of luck to you amanda.


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## amanda1959

I am so depressed


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## sisters359

I'm sorry, Amanda1959. I imagine it must be really hard. The good news is, if he's bi, he's still interested in you. He may have just had this unexplored side of his sexuality and between that and the depression/unemployment, he weakened. If he's bi yet willing to remain monogamous, would that be ok? That's not different than a hetero person remaining monogamous--if you can get over his lapse. You sound pretty smart and thoughtful, so my money is on you working this through, and ending up happy at the end, one way or another. God bless.


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## Scannerguard

I don't know. . . I tend to be of Cody's "cut" in that I have spent 0 hours ever thinking/masturbating about having sex with men. So i am straight as the come.

That being said, i have to respect the Kinsey Report just on seeing this forum alone on the Sex in Marriage part. 

I called some people out there about men fantasizing about their wife sticking phallic objects up their butt and it being "gay". The men who liked this vehemently deny the act is "gay", that it massages their prostate (it may - I have no clue nor wish to find out) but I don't know. . .it does show me the lined is certainly blurred even if I am on the farther end of that line.

I do like show tunes though. See if he has some show tunes on his Ipod, ha, ha.

Sorry, bad joke. . .anyhoo. . .this is going to be a tough one. I just went on a date with a woman who's marriage ended over her completely normal "heterosexual" husband who cross-dressed. She was devastated and after I laughed (she laughed too as she told it), I really felt sorry for her as her son discovered it.

It's serious stuff.


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## momof6girls

amanda... you i am sure feeling just like when a straight man cheats or looks anywhere out side the normal in a marriage.. now what you do about it is up to you...

lay down the law and say we are married are we staying that path and staying committed? or if he has those thoughts and keeps them down in his need to go to when alone and taking care of business then so be it...

or are you ok with dappling in the double play man hubby and you?

one thing to this is most men that are ok with swinging or 3's normally go for the girl girl guy idea and no way would another man enter that pic...

you and him are at a cross roads that happens lots in a marriage or relationship now you know you and him need to make a plan that each of you are ok with.


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## Eraz2010

Whilst I 100% agree with the either gay or not talk from the other guys... personally I couldn't have a BJ off another guy, and I've been offered a few times (my oldest pal is gay and offered...to try and convince me it would feel just as good) and a fellow sailor in the Navy also pestered to suck me a few times too. No thanks.

Another guy I know had oral sex off his friends housemaid and she was infact a "he" and whilst he literally puked and all but scrubbed his own skin off in the shower he did say it felt just the same.

Can I ask... Is he easily turned-on and erect etc with you? To my mind that would be more important to know.

I'd be tempted to say the adultery is the issue, more than the flavour of it. But then, if he was curious about another guy, there's, um, "equipment issues" that you'll simply not be able to offer.

I think y'all need to talk a lot lot more before taking any serious decisions. This is a real pickle.


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## Amplexor

Eraz2010 said:


> Whilst I 100% agree with the either gay or not talk from the other guys... .



If you're having sex with another man and there's not a struggle involved......


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## cody5

Not a chance in hell - 5
Back when I was WAY confused about my sexuality I'd have done it - 1
Yes, I'm a totally straight man and I'd think about it - 0


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## Eraz2010

@Amplexor... 10 minutes later and I'm still chuckeling...not a struggle involved, thats funny...

I guess it's like the "love scene" in Deliverance.


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## zaaam

I don't think stress or loosing the job affect sexual tendencies. Might affect sexual performance in a man but not the orientation.


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## nice777guy

zaaam said:


> I don't think stress or loosing the job affect sexual tendencies. Might affect sexual performance in a man but not the orientation.


That's a good point.

In my opinion, seems like the basic issue that he cheated is kind of getting lost too.


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## Uptown

cody5 said:


> Not a chance in hell -- 5
> Back when I was WAY confused ...I'd have done it -- 1
> Yes, I'm totally straight and I'd think about it -- 0


Perhaps, Cody. But more likely:

I'm totally straight and won't tell because, heh, I owe the guy that much -- 6


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## cody5

Uptown said:


> Perhaps, Cody. But more likely:
> 
> I'm totally straight and won't tell because, heh, I owe the guy that much -- 6


Good point. Why bother asking for advice here if the responders are just going to lie anyhow.

But out of curiosity, if I felt I "owe(d) the guy", wouldn't I say: "yeah, I'm straight, and I've always wanted to see what it's like to get sucked of by a dude. No worries. It's cool".

And anyhow, would it be better if he went to a girl for a BJ outside of the marriage?


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## sisters359

His orientation matters in this case b/c it is an unknown and will obviously have an impact on what happens down the road.

If he's bi and wants to stay married, she may choose to deal with it as with any infidelity.

If he's gay, do they intend to continue the marriage or not? If so, the cheating still will need to be confronted. If not, the cheating is secondary to the dissolution of the marriage. 

I don't think anyone has forgotten the infidelity, but in this particular situation, there is more to the story than that.


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## amanda1959

Went to therapy and the net result was that he did it once and does not want it again. Wants to patch the marriage and is very remorseful that it happened. The therapist had no real answers as to how a heterosexual man lets a man go down on him (she is a sex therapist PHD and no cheap one either), other than it happens...and acknowledged how scary it must be to find out that your husband is capable of this, so now I am in reflection and contemplating a lie detector test to get the truth (if he is lying) so I can move on either with my marriage or move past it. This has left a very deep scar in my heart.


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## nice777guy

Unless you are seeing signs that this is an ongoing thing, I would try to work on moving past it. Don't do a lie detector test if everything else seems to be consistent at this point.

You've known him a lot longer than the therapist or anyone here - trust your gut.

I would think you need to work with the therapist on how to move forward so that YOU can enjoy being intimate with him again without this bothering you.


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: You pretty much have to treat this like any affair. Whether he's straight or experimenting with homosexuality he DID stray and cheat on you. You have to work that out. Regardless of whether he's straight or gay he's ALSO married and he was unfaithful to you. 

I've gotten the impression that men (and women) will experiment and go straight to homosexual and vice-versa. I lived in New York City and it was quite common and fashionable back in the '80s to be "Bisexual". 

Your husband and you are in therapy and that's good. Is he in therapy by himself as well? 

It's a rough spot you are in. I wouldn't insist that he do the lie detector test but he has to remain faithful and if decides that homosexuality is for him then you'll have to deal with it should that happen. 

No straight guy I know (and I have many male friends) would get a blowjob from another guy.


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## amanda1959

ok let's see how the next couple of months go...


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## OneMarriedGuy

OK, just because I like being the devil's advocate and finding alternatives ...

What if he was in extreme need of feeling sexually desired and felt that if it were with a guy it wasn't really cheating as it was not competition for the wife?

Do you really think all prison sex is conducted by bi/homosexuals? Or to put it another way - yes, they are obvisously participating in homosexual acts but how many would if there were another option? Well other than abstinence 

To go along with the previous. If the only way to survive was to eat the flesh of a dead person - are you in fact a cannibal?

That's all I could come up with for now - but at leawst hey are viable options for thought


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## amanda1959

Yes he probably wanted to be wanted and he was really wanted by a guy! I could see a man rationalizing that it is not as bad as cheating with a woman and maybe thinking "is it really cheating?" He had been surfing adult sexual dating sites and I had found 5 pictures (One of him naked from the waist down with an erection)in a file on the computer that appeared to look like probable dating profile pictures. He said he never joined any sites because they cost money. Then why the pictures? Later he told me about a swinger website that would have allowed him to contact people and attach pictures for free which is probably what he did. Anyway the net of it is months have passed and I am viewing all this in a different light. I am having serious doubts about staying in this marriage. The trust is gone. I would have given him sex anything he wanted. During this time he was having erectile dysfunction as well whenever we had sex. So why was that? Did he want something else? porn star images or men? Was he feeling guilty? He is physically fit.
I need to move on from this. I am going to really consider the lie detector test although some of you said no and others have said they are not reliable. I need answers.
My husband says I am over anaylizing everything. I need the truth now so I can move on. Yesterday he was calling and leaving messages at the house looking for me. I have worked Wednesdays for the last 7 years and he didn't think of calling me at work. What is that all about? He says he loves me but his actions don't jive.
Am I a fool?


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## nice777guy

I don't think you are a fool at all. You've been sucker-punched in the gut and you're still trying to catch your breath.

He's the only one who really knows whats going on. It sounds like he's trying to come clean about his actions, but I just wonder what he's actually feeling? Is he being honest with you about his preferences, needs, wants, etc.? Only he knows.

Having been married for that many years and never having noticed this before gives you a valid reason to stay and try to work on things.

On the other hand, you also have very valid reasons to end things.

What really sucks when these things happen is that you have choices, but its going to be hard to work through whatever choice you make.


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## amanda1959

Thank you for your reply. You know at first I was in shock, then I was in denial and functioned quite well and now I am in a different stage...a real funk. My husband was with a man how do I get over this? I am damaged goods and I am thinking I would rather be alone than to ever have someone hurt me like this again. He has really****ed me up. I am still a good looking woman with a heart of gold maybe it's time to move on. I was thinking about doing the lie detector test next week and see if it would give me some indication as to which way to go with this. I deserve happiness and peace of mind. I am a good woman.


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## MarriedinVegas

Im new to this board and would like to add my 2 cents.
No your husband does not have to be gay to get a blowjob from a guy, all he has to be is horny for a blowjob. I know, as I have had a blowjob from a guy before. It was all fine and dandy and was pretty good, but did I go back for more? NO! was I trying to find out if I was gay? NO! I was just horny and wanted a blowjob and a guy offered me one. I noticed in a lot of answers a lot of people said that getting a blowjob is the beginning or somehow he is gay and just dont know it. I say thats not true at all. He just wanted a blowjob and had the opportunity to get one and did. Its really simple. The same as any girl looks at a beautiful woman in a changeroom and admires her body and likes the look of it , does not mean she is a closet gay or mabye its the begining of being gay. We all get horny and do stuff to satisfy it. In my opinion the issue here is that your husband snuck behind your back and had an intimate moment with someone other than you, the person who he promised to be monogamous with. The issue is trust and honesty and communication. My wife and I both fantasize about same sex situations. We have both had same sex situations, but our sex together is what we prefer. We believe that honesty about your desires and exploring them together will make you stronger. Was your husband honest with you prior to the blowjob? Did he tell you that he wanted to have that done? Mabey he did and felt he could not tell you. Or mabey he did and he felt like you thought he was gay and then just went off on his own to experience something that he felt you would not let him do? The only way you will truly find out the answers to your questions is to do your therapy and speak openly and honestly about yours and his desires. I read in a book called "my secret garden" about womens fantasies and they said that women tell their husbands a lot of their fantasies but keep the best ones for themselves. So the facet taht one of youse had a secret meeting suggests to me that the lines of communication are not fully open 100%. I only suggest that you dont be afraid to ask the tough questions in therapy and also to open yourself up 100% to him in order for him to know how much this affects you and how serious you are to get to the bottom of it. 
Sorry if I rambled on but im new here and am pretty excited to be posting a response.


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## Harvard

marriedguyinvegas

you are not gay you..are a BI SEXUAL MAN end of story

It's like murder. Once you murder someone you are a murderer.....unless you can change the past and erase their death...

As far as communication and trust without it I agree ANY relationship will suffer. This woman is better off without this clown!


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## OneMarriedGuy

Harvard said:


> marriedguyinvegas
> 
> you are not gay you..are a BI SEXUAL MAN end of story
> 
> It's like murder. Once you murder someone you are a murderer.....unless you can change the past and erase their death...
> 
> As far as communication and trust without it I agree ANY relationship will suffer. This woman is better off without this clown!


So...does that mean that somebody that makes a really biased and judgmental statement one time in their life IS an @$$hole even though they are normally quite understanding and kind?


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## cody5

OK Amanda. Now you're getting somewhere.

Not a chance in hell - 5
Back when I was WAY confused about my sexuality I'd have done it - 1
Yes, I'm a totally straight man and I'd think about it - 1


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## Harvard

In my opinion you get a BJ from a guy you crossed over to gay land are bisexual. Now that doesn't mean you will always be engaging in these activities but consider an alcoholic who one day controls his drinking. He is now a "controlled alcoholic" which would make a man a "controlled bi-sexual"

to make biased statements are what we call opinions and perceptions based on the information provided. Does this make somone a controlled A-hole?? Sure it does. 

Make it a great Day!


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## OneMarriedGuy

Harvard said:


> In my opinion you get a BJ from a guy you crossed over to gay land are bisexual. Now that doesn't mean you will always be engaging in these activities but consider an alcoholic who one day controls his drinking. He is now a "controlled alcoholic" which would make a man a "controlled bi-sexual"
> 
> to make biased statements are what we call opinions and perceptions based on the information provided. Does this make somone a controlled A-hole?? Sure it does.
> 
> Make it a great Day!


Harvard, I think we are going to have to agree to disagree a bit here but you have my kudos for an *excellent* response to a somewhat loaded question!


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## simple_girl

I just want to add my two cents in here as well. I personally, do not think that it means he is now 'gay' or 'bi-sexual'. There is a possibility as many of you have put it that he was in fact experimenting. Having been through a situation in my younger years with another woman, I can tell you; it felt good and bad at the same time. I was confused for a long time after that and was not sure how I felt. It took a while for me to come to terms with it and I knew in my heart that I was not a lesbian and that I preferred male contact as opposed to female contact. The more I thought about it after it happened, the more I learned about myself and who I really was. It could simply be that he was curious and wanted to try something different. It very well could be an isolated incident. It could also be something else. This is something that you are going to have to come to terms with one way or another. I'm not so sure a lie detector test would be the way to go, but again just my opinion. I wish you the best and I hope you can comes to terms in a positive manner. 

Good luck!


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## amanda1959

So let me get this whole sick event off my chest. Today we went for a polygraph test and guess what everybody?????
He is a LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He was asked three questions:
1) Have you had sex with any other man other than that one man since you have been married?
2) Have you had sex with any other woman since you have been married?
3) Have you slept with Jane Doe?

answers
1)yes
2)yes
3)not enough information

This is enough to make me walk...you have to remember we were in intense marriage counselling for three months after I found his sex file on our home computer. He had plenty of time to come clean in therapy. This man can not come clean. He does not have the ability to tell the truth when he has messed up. In marriage counselling we could have hashed it all out but I found out about the man giving him head by breaking into his hotmail and I had to find out through a polygraph that he has been with other women(one so he says) and he also has been with more than one man and on top of that he "could" have had sex with a woman he worked with. I would have stayed if he was truthful but when a woman has to continually DIG for the truth there is NOTHING left. I don't want to dig anymore. This marriage is destined to end here. I am going to move out and spend some time alone and perhaps my daughter and I will get an apartment (she is finishing college at the end of this month). It is all really sad we were planning a trip for our 25th but this marriage feels like a marriage of deception. Time to move on!!!!
I can't wait to get a dog or a cat! He always hated animals...funny because he is one isn't he.
Cody over and out!


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## cody5

I am truly sorry for this Amanda. Reading all of that other input, I was beginning to believe him. Good luck with whatever you do.

On a personal note for me, the timing couldn't have been worse. I've got a little thread going in the General section, and advice from others was to let it go. Get over it. It was also mentioned how it is a bad idea to get a polygraph. I don't know now. As you can attest to, it's the not knowing that is the worst part. But I don't know if knowing makes it any better.

Too bad this stuff isn't easier.


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## Harvard

1) Have you had sex with any other man other than that one man since you have been married? 

and He said YES, well there is the pattern and proof it was not just an expreiment now was it??? no for him it was enjoyable...again like an alcoholic ENJOYS to drink. Your husband enjoys his men! PLUS he is a freaking liar! 

Kick his bisexual lying butt to the curb and take that walk Amanda. Put it this way, what are the odds you will do worse next time? :scratchhead:


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## nice777guy

Leave him. Move on. Sorry it went this way.


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## sisters359

I'd feel some compassion for him--gay and caught in a marriage--but he lied when you were trying to be understanding, and that's not right. 

Once he knew he was gay or bi, he was obliged to let you in on it. He has been risking YOUR health. No more than a lying cheater now, taking the coward's way out. 

I can see someone having difficulty admitting to what they consider a shameful truth (but I do not think it is shameful, fyi), but I have no sympathy for someone endangering another person's life.


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## amanda1959

I'm gone... thanks for all your comments


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## lisa1994

Good luck, Amanda, enjoy your life. get up early, go for a walk, make some friends, go out with them, join a new church, meet some new people. life is so bright ahead you. I can see you smiling and having fun and happy!


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## amanda1959

we all have choices Lisa. make the choices that will bring peace to you and the world around you...are you the same Lisa that private messaged me? if so how are you doing with your situation?


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## MarriedinVegas

Good for you. He turned out to be a snake in the grass. But just make sure if you find another guy that you want to spend the rest of your life with is more open to sexuall discussion from the start. I was once dated a girl when I was 19 and she was 30, well she asked me if I would like to have sex with her and her friend who was a girl. So Im thinking yeaaaa 2 girls so I said yes, to which my girlfriend got upset and asked me why I would want to have sex with her friend, I replied thinking that she wanted to also due to the nature of the question, I replied " I thought thats what you wanted me to say " then she told me I had some growing up to do and broke up with me. Moral of the story is be honest and say what YOU mean to say not what you think others want you to say.


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## danny

"When it's two dudes I want 'em strung up! When it's two chicks I want in on the deal!" ~ my sister's ex hubby.

No, I would not engage in any sexual contact with a man and I'm sure my wife would leave me if I did.

On the flip side, I would love it if my wife were to bring another lady home and all three of us got freaky-deaky but that ain't gonna happen.

In short, men are hypocrites ~ no great shock.


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## Holding Pattern

No. Any opposite-sex contact especially meeting on the sly for oral is a sign of homosexual tendencies to say the least.
No amount of thought about a hairy dude wanting to go down on me would even cause the stir of an erection.

and if it is for gratification, why not come to you? I am sure you'd be more than willing to assist so that he doesn't go out on the town looking for other men.


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## amanda1959

This man has single handedly riped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it. Worst thing is I know his parents will always blame me and never believe their son could do such a thing. They are very religious and would ask me to forgive him because in their eyes we were married infront of God "till death do us part". I can't stay anymore I HAVE died in a spiritual sense. After all that we had been through and all the hard work we had put into this marriage, homes, kids, personal illness...I don't know what happened to him. He is not the man I thought I married. Ofcourse he could have come to me...the problem is he doesn't confide in me..nor does he confide in anyone...what a pitiful shallow lonely fate. What a poor soul he is...


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## amanda1959

Hello wifeinlove. I found out about his bisexual behaviour by finding a sex file on the computer and by having conversations with other men via his e-mail account. At first it was not a deal breaker even though he confessed he was searching for men and women. The shock sent us into marriage counselling where he actually lied for three months. Then he went to sex therapy alone and the end result was "there is no answer". After this I made him go to a lie detector test after which I found that he had been with more than one man and had affairs with women during our marriage as well, In combination with the LIES and emotional strain he has put on me I decided to seperate. I went through stages. Stage 1 was shock, then I was in denial, now I know I can't go back. At one point he had even sworn on our childrens lives that he was faithful to me. Now I think this lie alone is enough to make me want to remove him from my life. Can you imagine swearing on the lives of your childrens lives. This is unforgiveable.

Now you want to know what my life is like? In one word PEACEFUL.
Both my children are with me and life is joyful and serene and we get things done in a loving way. Be very careful. I wouldn't be able to trust my husband with being bisexual. The risk of disease is much greater besides being a real turn off for me. I am currently under going some tests because of swollen lymph glands. The stress this man has dragged me through has been really hard on me and my body is now run down. My husband does not admit he is bisexual although he has had sex with men??????????
You see the position he leaves me in?
Trust is the foundation of a relationship. In my case it was hit with an atom bomb. My marriage is not repairable and I know in my heart I did all things possible to try to get to the heart of the matter.
Life is good, it is what you make it. For me the peace in my home is going to heal me. I am looking forward to a trip in June to get some alone [email protected]
I hope you find resolve and peace of mind in all your decisions.
Talk any time.


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## kimbo71118

Okay, this is a woman's opinion, but I know EXACTLY what amanda1959 is dealing with. I have been married to my husband for 25 years. In January of this year I discovered that he had a profile on a gay website, I also discovered he was downloading lots of gay, tranny porn when he used to download women porn (still does, just not as much). When I finally got the nerve to discuss it with him, he wouldn't come out and confess what was up, blamed it on me - I was suspicious, etc., even though I had never been. I gave him some time and gently approached the issue again. Saw some emails to some of the guys on the gay website that he had been straight all his life but was now interested in exploring sex with men. Now, you need to know that my husband suffered a major stroke in 2008, so, according to his neuro-psychologist, this is not unusual, he might have had these desires his entire life, but with the stroke they've come to the forefront because of his brain injury (he is not who he was, there are some brain issues from the stroke). Now, to add another piece to this, it has ALWAYS turned me on to watch men play together, he used to download gay porn for me, now its for us both. Once I got him comfortable in talking with me, he did admit he believed he was bi and couldn't stop thinking about experimenting with men...so after 2 months, a lot of lost weight, sleepless nights and counseling, I decided to be supportive and help him get through this (plus it actually turns me on too). So, I set up a profile on the same gay website saying that I like to watch and is anybody interested in doing hubby while I watch - of course I have received numerous responses...we have had guys over that we've played with as a threesome and that have played with my husband while I watched...its obvious from those encounters that he likes men too - oral is his favorite and he has admitted that he really likes it. Now, we still do have a sex life between ourselves and he has discovered he loves anal sex, etc. But - I firmly believe he is not gay. He still downloads women porn, looks at it along with gay and tranny porn. The stroke caused some numbness and ED issues so his dr suggested we explore different types of sexual things to help with this issue (I initiated the anal sex to help with this, he didn't ask for it). I have seen him experience ED issues with the guys we've had over as well as me (so I know its not me), he has no desire to have anal sex with any of these guys, just me - but he loves the oral part and continues to talk with the guys on his gay profile, hell, he even has me help him draft e-mails to them - I have access to his profile now and he doesn't try to hide that he's on it. Not only did I discover the gay profile in January, but discovered that he had a few profiles on websites looking for women too - not doing that anymore, but his dr said this is all not a surprise due to what the stroke has done to his previously normal working brain. So...after all this rambling the bottom line is - I decided to be supportive and join in as I know he can't help it and is confused enough about this himself (he is retired military and very tall and macho, this has been confusing to him also); my ground rules are is that if he fools around with other men (I realize there are going to be times that he wants to experiment without me present), its safe and that I know about it (and get all the details), or its done in our home with me present...thus far that has worked out. But, I do still get afraid that he's going to prefer them over me and of course being a women I can't compete with a man - but those are my own insecurities I need to deal with. We still have sex, he has sex with men in our home with me present (thus far I've set all these encounters, he's actually set up none of his own yet), and we have sex together with these men too - its working so far, but I do still have the fear he will do something behind my back. Based on the emails I had previously seen, the pull is extremely strong for him to explore sex with men (thus far only oral, he is not into massaging, kissing, none of the normal things you would expect someone who is gay to want). Was I totally surprised - NO - we had discussed bisexuality both ways (him and me) in role play during most of our marriage, so it wasn't a surprise, what was the surprise is that he couldn't be open with me about his feelings as we had always had a great sex life and very open minded to new things...so, if you love him and can deal with it - great, if not, then you need to move on. I'm still in counseling and am in a good place, I can deal with it now, just as long as he plays by the ground rules, if he goes out on his own and doesn't let me know...that's another story. Good luck - what is working for me doesn't work for everyone, it is quite unconventional, but I have spent my entire adult life with this man and love his desperately and would rather support him than walk out. Sorry for the long ramble, but wanted all the facts out there, I'm sure there are people that will think it is weird that I am being supportive and helping him through this - I know that our sex life will never be the same again and I am learning to deal with that because I truly believe he can't help the feelings...


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## citizen56

amanda1959 said:


> Can a heterosexual man let another man preform oral on him without being gay?


It happens all the time: in prison, boy scouts, in the military, in catholic churches, muslims do it, greek men do it. They all say it's not gay activity - just men enjoying sex. 

I'm not saying I think it's right. Just saying it happens.


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## amanda1959

i guess to me it is like saying "i robbed a bank, but I am not a thief, i needed the money"...i love how humans can get so creative with their justifications....to me it is hilarious!


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## reachingshore

I am not a man, but I find this very surprising (aka surprisingly high number):



> While about 7 percent of adult women and 8 percent of men identify as gay, lesbian or bisexual, the proportion of individuals who have had same-gender sex at some point in their lives is higher. For example, *15 percent of the men aged 50-59 said they had received oral sex from another man at some point*.


source

This year's study "offers detailed findings on how often Americans have sex, with whom, and how they respond. In all, 5,865 people, ranging in age from 14 to 94, participated in the survey *via Internet.*


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## Erom

amanda1959 said:


> Well as it turns out when I broke into my husbands e-mail account I received an e-mail from the guy asking for another "date". I pretended I was my husband and from the fake conversation with the guy I could tell he was just offering oral without any need for reciprication (sp?). My husband has had all tests and I was told herpes could be transmitted from oral sex.
> That is my unaswered concern. Can a heterosexual man really let a guy go down on him without being bi/homosexual himself? He said he could barely stay erect but did finish when he closed his eyes. He did say the guy seduced him and keep e-mailing him over and over saying come on, no one will find out. I don't think it was more than oral from the e-mail conversation and judging from the ad and pictures this guy has on the swinger website. Thanks for the concern.


sounds bisexual to me, even if he hasn't admitted it to himself.... if it were just about oral sex, then that could have been achieved with another woman, with or without offering to do anything for her.... he just isn't able/willing to admit it you you or himself...


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## OneMarriedGuy

OK, just for grins lets take away figuring out if he gets a "label" or not and ask questions relative to the marriage. How is the marital sex life? Does he turn you down, or you him? Do you advance on him? 

I don't know the answer to these questions and am not trying to imply anything, only possibilities. What if what he really wanted was to feel desired by somebody and he felt like he wasn't cheating as much if it weren't real competition for you and there was no chance of an emotional bond?


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## Sanity

amanda1959 said:


> Can you men let me know what you think of a husband who has met with a strange man on line for oral sex. I found out by reading his e-mail that he was talking to men for sexual favours. He was mortified and we are working through it but it has been really hard. He wants to save the marriage and says he made a mistake because he was depressed about his unemployment. He says he had a hard time staying erect during it but did ejaculate.
> He know travels with his male colleage and the share a hotel room to save money for the company. This colleage is also married. I am now uncomfortable with this sleeping arrangement and this relationship makes me nervous. My husband swears up and down nothing is going on with this colleage and that he is heterosexual and not bi and never will be. Can a heterosexual man let another man preform oral on him without being gay?


Amanda, 

I'm going to give it to you straight and this may sound offensive to some people here who are sympathetic to the GLBT agenda. 

Your husband is either homosexual or has strong homosexual tenancies. Regardless, you should assume multiple sexual partners. What does this mean for you if you decide to "save the marriage" and continue with him?

1. Homosexual men tend to have many more sexual partners compared to heterosexual men. 

2. The risk of AIDS or other STD's increases exponentially with multiple sex partners. Yes you can be infected.

3. Your peace of mind will be destroyed especially if you can't account for his sexual prefences.


I'm really sorry for your situation but please consider stopping all sexual activity with your husband, get tested for STD's and contact an attorney. You can't really "pray away the gay" so this is going to be an issue. Do not expose yourself to a potentially fatal infection. 

Take the time to read this link: 

The Physical Health Risks of Homosexuality


It may save your life.


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## PaGuy

amanda1959 said:


> Can you men let me know what you think of a husband who has met with a strange man on line for oral sex. I found out by reading his e-mail that he was talking to men for sexual favours. He was mortified and we are working through it but it has been really hard. He wants to save the marriage and says he made a mistake because he was depressed about his unemployment. He says he had a hard time staying erect during it but did ejaculate.
> He know travels with his male colleage and the share a hotel room to save money for the company. This colleage is also married. I am now uncomfortable with this sleeping arrangement and this relationship makes me nervous. My husband swears up and down nothing is going on with this colleage and that he is heterosexual and not bi and never will be. Can a heterosexual man let another man preform oral on him without being gay?


I would consider him bi-sexual. That being said, I feel that probably nothing is going on with the college. That would create a odd situation in the workplace if something was going on. Do you feel this was his first time being with a guy ?


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## WAGuy

Well I say, you should be more open. I'm guessing you don't do that for him very often. I say get a little kinky and tell him you want to watch one time. For most guys, it's just a release and we don't think of all sex as relationship building/bonding. Follow Kennedy's advise "Ask not what my husband can do for me, but what I can do for my husband". Don't take it too personal, I doubt he would every run off from you to live a gay lifestyle. Guys go on the DL because it's much easier and actually more discrete to go find another guy to get off with.


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## Amplexor

Zombie Thread


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## Paulination

I may be wrong but guys are much different than women in regards of experimentation with the same sex. If you are straight, there is no way you would do something sexual with another man. It is a repulsive thought. I don't care how good looking the guy is. I would rather stick it to Rosie O'Donnell than David Beckham and I loathe Rosie.

Your man at best is bi-sexual.


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## KevinG

As a heterosexual guy I find this hard to make sense of, he may love you but if he's interested in men... then he's interested in men. Not to mention the cheating and hiding it. 

I strongly suggest couple's counseling and he needs to admit if he's homosexual. I can mildly understand if in youth or early adulthood some experimentation can occure, but this is unacceptable in my books.

In addition the possibility of getting a std is a deal breaker, that's not fair for you at all.


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