# help I'm all alone



## matt12345 (Sep 5, 2011)

I have been married 21 years. We have 2 beautiful children one of whom started college this week. My other child is a high school sophomore. My wife also had three other children that are adults in their thirties. I have been like a father to them the whole time. It was very difficult but rewarding in many ways. I am 51 my wife is 55. Three years ago I found out from our oldest daughter that she was carrying on through email with a friend of theirs in his thirties. All hell broke loose and my daughter really raked her through the coals for that. I was very upset but leading up to that time we had a lousy relationship in many ways. She was in Grad school, raising our 2 younger children and miserable. I too was unhappy and felt trapped. When I found out about the sketchy emails I confronted her and we really talked things out. She emphatically denied that "anything happened" and I believed her. Unfortunately my step daughter really lashed out hard at her including telling others about it. It was awful. One good thing was that we started having a lot of sex and really grew closer and more intimate as a result. I really felt better about our relationship and I could see a future for us. We didn't hardly speak to my stepdaughter or see the grandchildren for almost 2 years. Things really healed in the last year and we are seeing all of them regularly now. My wife loves all her children and grandchildren. She takes very good care of them and they love her dearly. This spring I noticed a sudden change in her. She stopped sitting with me and took a lot of petting and convincing to have sex. I felt that she was just humoring me. She started acting weird and making up excuses to go out at odd times for an hour or 2. I became very suspicious and confronted her 3 or 4 times. She denied that anything was going on and claimed that work stress was causing it. I do think she is very stressed at work. She is a speech pathologist at a psych rehab and they are understaffed and overworked. I became so suspicious that I bought a gps tracker and put it in her car after testing it out. I immediately hit the jackpot. She left for work last week but went to Cape Cod after stopping at a park and ride. She returned to that location that evening late after telling me she had to work late and was going out for a bite after with her female coworker. I then looked at data from 2 nights before and she clearly met someone in a secluded place for an hour that night. I checked text and call data on her phone and everything lined up. I confronted her and at first she said I was crazy, then she admitted to going for a skip day with friends but the text data really messed this up. I begged for the truth after the worst fights and days of our 21 years. I contemplated suicide. She was very angry with me for invading her privacy. It was awful. She finally "admitted" that she was with a man but DENIES that there was sex. She also has told me that she is entering menopause and that is why she didn't want sex with me very much. She told me that the man is 44 years and divorced. What would a 44 year old man carry on with a 55 year old woman for if he wasn't getting oral sex or intercourse? I just don't believe her. I have no friend to speak to. Although at times during our relationship I was complacent and didn't stay attentive I don't understand. My dignity is shattered and my trust. I feel that I can't live without her. We have promised to move forward together but I can't stop thinking that she is still lying and hasn't told me everything. I think she is terrified and doesn't want to hurt me but also doesn't want to hurt our family. I also cannot see how divorce is possible. I actually wished for this in my fantasies but now that it is here I realize that I really want her. I am lost and manic. I can't work or do anything at all. It is all I think about.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am sorry for you Matt. You know she is lying and that she more than likely had sex with this man. You both need to get tested for STD's. What are the consequences to her actions? If the roles were reversed do you honestly believe that she would be so accepting as you have been? She continued to lie to your face about a secret meeting with this guy. What does that tell you? Who knows how many times she has met him before?

She is playing you for a fool and knows that she can lie to your face without any problems. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are dead on right. She is having an affair. I agree that they are having sex, otherwise they could have sat in a coffee shop and talked, not run off like they did.

Don't accept her lies. However even if they aren't on a PA she is still in an affair with a man. She is still lying and running to see him.

At this point you need to decide if you are willing to take her back, or is this a deal breaker and you are going to divorce her?

Either eat first a couple of ground rules: 

1. Do not reveal your information sources. This only let's the WW hide the affair better
2. Do not negotiate with her about the OM. There is no middle ground where it is ok for her to continue with him in any way
3. Affairs fear exposure. So expose her and the OM. You saw how effective it was before. Expose it. Find the OM and expose ther if you can.
4. She must now give you complete access to her email facebook and phone
5. Assume she will take this underground via secret email and a prepaid phone. She has had no problem lying to your face up to now, she will keep doing it.
6. She comes clean to you fully on who the OM is , how they met, and how long and what they've Bernard doing.
7. Take her and get her a polygraph test to cut through her lies.
8. She must write, share with you, and send the OM a no contact letter. There will be no goodbye/closure meetings.
9. You need to install a key logger on your home computer
10. You need to hide a voice activated recorder in her car to catch her calling the OM

If she won't take immediate action to come fully clean, including the polygraph, and no contact etc. She must leave and you will tell all the children and file fir divorce immediately. There is no period for her to work through her feelings. That is just WS code for continuing the affair.

And finally she must accept therapy to work through why she thinks it is ok fir her to have repeated affairs.

The above may seem harsh and strong. That is exaclty how you have to deal with affairs like this.come down hard and without compromise. She has been lying and in an affair for months. She needs to work hard, very very hard to rebuild the marriage she has put a knife into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh and she must prove the affair is over if that's what see claims. Remember she has been lying to have sex with him instead of with you. She like all cheaters will continue to lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1st step (consequences #1) here is NC (no contact) with OM, the both of you need to put together a NC letter and you need send it out. Is she willing to do this?

Confront OM and make it clear that you are aware of the Affair and will expose it. Does he have a GF or is he married? If you don't know then find out. Your wife won't like this, but again another consequence.

If she is, then continue to validate it through your own investigation.

Step #2 (consequences #2) she hands over all her passwords and account info so you can validate her commitment. Is she willing to do this? Be prepared she can take it deeper underground. 

#3,So her accountablity is important. Checking in often with phone calls and leaving and coming home at a regular/ consistant time. No more going out after work ar leaving early. Is she ready to to that?

#4, no more GNO (girls night out). This and her general commit ment to spend all her time with you, helping you heal. Is she ready to do this?


If she is not willing to do any of these things then she is not willing to help you heal by doing the heavy lifting required. Then expose this affair to friends and family, on your side, her side and even the OM side. Its important to get OM info. The thing here is to make this affair as inconvenent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Be prepared for a false R and show her a confident man that will no long cry and beg for his marriage. This will empower you and make your W think twice about her choices. No matter how weak you feel you must give her the peseption that you a strong enought to move on. Being a healthier father for you kids.

The thing her is what direction is she will in to go, it sound like she wants to work it out so she will have to do the heavy lifting mentioned above. 

If she want to continue the A then let her go and distance your self. You can't control her, she needs to do the heavy lifting on her own, if she choose not to then let her go and move on.

If for one minute she thinks you are the same weak man she will continue. You need to be the alpha male here even if it pushes your wife further away, if she sees tough and confident man she will change her tune. even if she tells you she is confussed, give no options and ask her to leave, making the choice for her.

I know you don't want to tolorate this and you cant control her but you can control your self by maning up and being prepared to make her leave if she continues.

I remember when this all just happened to me, it was my tough love approach and my confidence and indifference that showed my W that I was in control and was no longer going to tolorate her behavior or her fence sitting. and it was her choice to respect my boundries or leave. There was no middle ground.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

matt12345,

Let me start off by saying that I am truly sorry for what has happened. This is not an easy road to be on. 

Both guy and shaggy have posted great advice above, take heed to their words. I really can't offer anything better.

I would encourage you to seek solace in the Bible. The statement that you are alone, "no friends to talk to" is really untrue. You can take your refuge in the Lord Jesus Christ. Call upon him and he will answer:

"For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
Luke 11:9-11


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> matt12345,
> 
> Let me start off by saying that I am truly sorry for what has happened. This is not an easy road to be on.
> 
> ...




I agree with the man above!:iagree:

Don't do anything stupid to yourself over this woman or whatever or anyone else! You life's not over with! You can Divorce her and have someone better! BTW, is she Divorced from cheating before? If she is, see the pattern? Cheaters don't change, not by themselves anyway!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Is this really the best forum to be proselytizing in?

You have no clue what the OP`s spiritual beliefs are and could just as easily alienate him from the support this forum is capable of.

Lay off the religion.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tacoma, you're joking right? If he doesn't like the religious bent, he will say so. 

"For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened."
Luke 11:9-11

Wow, how offensive. 

Tell you what, why don't you do a little research on this site. Find everyone who rejected someones spiritual encouragement and find those that didn't. I will wager that the latter far outweighs the former. He doesn't need to be protected from the bible or Jesus. He needs to be protected from a serial cheating wife.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Tacoma, you're joking right?


Not a bit.

I don`t want to derail this thread so if my concern really bugs you go start a thread somewhere.

Not everyone is a Christian.


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