# My boyfriend is apathetic?



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and don't know where to go now. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.


----------



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Move on, he is either considering ending the relationship or is interested in other women.


----------



## eroark (Feb 11, 2017)

Michaylah said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and don't know where to go now. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.



It is possible he may be interested in someone else, but at first, try talking to him. You stated that you two can still talk about your problems and everything. Talk to him and ask him what is wrong and why it seems as though you feel that he is not sexually attracted to you. He may be under stress from money problems, as you were saying, or if he works a high demand job, he could be under stress there too.


----------



## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

DepressedHusband said:


> Move on, he is either considering ending the relationship or is interested in other women.


This x 1000


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

CanadaDry said:


> This x 1000





DepressedHusband said:


> Move on, he is either considering ending the relationship or is interested in other women.


Really?! Just give up so easily, huh?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Are you able to talk to him about this?

Is the apathy limited to sex and intense physical interaction or is it more general? 

If its general could it be a sign of depression?

If it is just sex, do you know his relationship history? Is he the sort of person who loses interest in their partner after a while and moves on?

When you have sex is it good for both of you? Do you like the same things or is there tension from having different interests?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Really?! Just give up so easily, huh?


This is always the "Go to" answer to troubled TAM posters.

If you have no skin in the game, no pecuniary interests, no emotional attachment, no history with the posters spouse then "Dump Them" is easiest to write.

Sometimes it is very obvious that this is the proper answer.

In this instance?

Not yet. I recommend marriage counseling or the myriad of books that other TAMMERS here will soon recommend.

FWIW....I have been guilty of this rash advice on a few occasions.


----------



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Really?! Just give up so easily, huh?


Yeah, I don't frequently give this advice, but in this case, a very young relationship 1 yr, and all this trouble, it does not signify a good match as a couple.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It's time to look for someone else. When you have to push a guy for intimacy, he's probably not interested anymore. You deserve someone who wants this as much as you do.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

DepressedHusband said:


> Yeah, I don't frequently give this advice, but in this case, a very young relationship 1 yr, and all this trouble, it does not signify a good match as a couple.


Maybe they're not compatible but can we even determine that with the information that we have? It sounds like this has just recently started so maybe it's just a hiccup that can be worked through. I'm just so tired of the immediate "leave him/her" responses. Relationships are ****ING hard. If the advice to everyone would be to leave at the first sign of trouble, we'd all be alone. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


----------



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Are you able to talk to him about this?
> 
> Is the apathy limited to sex and intense physical interaction or is it more general?
> 
> ...


We have both discussed this and this post is from both of us. It's limited to sex only. We live together and spend every day together. We are not just giving up. It just started, so it's something that's new to us. He's not interested in other women, we are very open about everything. He is under a high stress job and struggles with his body image so I don't know if that is part of it. We are still happy in our relationship, the only problem is the lack of interest in sex. To anyone that doesn't want to give advise and wants to tell us to just give up can go fine somewhere else to say those things too.


----------



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Are you able to talk to him about this?
> 
> Is the apathy limited to sex and intense physical interaction or is it more general?
> 
> ...


We know all each other's relationship sexual past, we enjoy all the same things. We've experimented with things we've never tried before. Everything was perfect and now it's just not there.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Honestly, if I were you, I would turn around and walk out the door. If you guys have just been dating for a year, and already experiencing that, what does your future hold in store? You're lucky, you're not married. It's a helluva lot easier to walk away from someone you're dating than it is a spouse, and a lot cheaper too! 



Michaylah said:


> My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year now. Everything was great in the beginning; intimacy and physical affection every day or at least every week. Lately, he does not want sex or any physical attention, he also does not want to give it either. He's actually a little pushed off at the thought of it sometimes. We will go a month without having sex, though we find each other physically attractive. We are still perfect on an emotional level, never fight or have trouble talking about our problems. We are trying to seek help wherever we can find it before we go to a counselor because money is kind of an issue. We've looked into apathy and it sounds kind of like our situation, but we don't know how to fix things. We don't know what caused him to feel this way and *don't know where to go now*. If anyone could give me some insight we'd greatly appreciate it.


----------



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Honestly, if I were you, I would turn around and walk out the door. If you guys have just been dating for a year, and already experiencing that, what does your future hold in store? You're lucky, you're not married. It's a helluva lot easier to walk away from someone you're dating than it is a spouse, and a lot cheaper too!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

These are my thoughts as well. Perhaps if you've invested a few years into this relationship, I'd have other advice, but this is very early on, and indicates lack of compatibility.



DepressedHusband said:


> Yeah, I don't frequently give this advice, but in this case, a very young relationship 1 yr, and all this trouble, it does not signify a good match as a couple.


----------



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Michaylah said:


> You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.


sure you do, particularly when the relationship isn't working from his side. at the 1 yr mark you guys are still very heavy into the hormonal phases of bonding, you may discover quickly that you don't want this relationship if you leave for even a week. My advice, move out, go stay with someone family member for a week or 2, tell your SO that you are taking a break, see what he does, if he chases maybe it truly is apathy, if he doesn't, you have your answer.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I absolutely get this Michaylah, and I agree with you, to a point. I married a man that I'm sexually incompatible with, hoping that things would change. They haven't, and we'll be celebrating 4 years of marriage this year. Unlike you guys, we can't talk about anything without a fight, so at least you guys have that going for you. I haven't given up yet, but am unhappy in many regards. Trouble is that we've been trying for 4 years to change things without luck, and I'm nearing the end of my rope, but divorce is expensive. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't marry him, but instead, find someone who I'm much more compatible with in more regards than our common interests. So, my advice to leave him isn't hasty; My life right now is what yours may very well be in a few years. However, if you're both 100% wanting to work on this and fix this very new relationship, I would suggest couples counselling for sure, and maybe a sex therapist for him. And, if this goes any further, definitely, definitely, definitely get a prenup so that neither of you are screwed over in the chance that a divorce should happen,



Michaylah said:


> You don't just give up on someone you care about. If you're still happy, but having a bump in the road you fix it, not run away.


----------



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

I appreciate you being honest with me and sharing your story. We are both very willing and hopeful in working things out. We are planning on going to counseling 100% but we wanted to get help from forums until we go. 


Ursula said:


> I absolutely get this Michaylah, and I agree with you, to a point. I married a man that I'm sexually incompatible with, hoping that things would change. They haven't, and we'll be celebrating 4 years of marriage this year. Unlike you guys, we can't talk about anything without a fight, so at least you guys have that going for you. I haven't given up yet, but am unhappy in many regards. Trouble is that we've been trying for 4 years to change things without luck, and I'm nearing the end of my rope, but divorce is expensive. If I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't marry him, but instead, find someone who I'm much more compatible with in more regards than our common interests. So, my advice to leave him isn't hasty; My life right now is what yours may very well be in a few years. However, if you're both 100% wanting to work on this and fix this very new relationship, I would suggest couples counselling for sure, and maybe a sex therapist for him. And, if this goes any further, definitely, definitely, definitely get a prenup so that neither of you are screwed over in the chance that a divorce should happen,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Michaylah said:


> We have both discussed this and this post is from both of us. It's limited to sex only.


So, no disagreements at all between you two? 
Any critical comments, perhaps said in a jovial manner? 



> We live together and spend every day together.


How many months were you dating before moving in together?
Do you try get out of the home and do fun stuff anymore?



> He is under a high stress job and struggles with his body image so I don't know if that is part of it.


Sometimes stress can cause testosterone levels to be lowered and loss of sex drive, the body thing could possibly him not being able to maintain an erection? 

Maybe try focusing on getting his mind off work stress and even sex for a while, just focus on having fun together, like you've just started dating again. 
Plan fun activities perhaps outdoors to help soothe any stress levels. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

Absolutely no arguments lately. I mean we have had disagreements like normal couples but nothing extreme. Everything we feel we tell each other. We were dating for 8 or 9 months before we got an apartment together but we technically lived together before that with other people. It only seemed to start a couple months after we moved in together. It started off little and it's progressed, it's still not as bad but we want to stop it in its tracks right now. 


Michaylah said:


> I appreciate you being honest with me and sharing your story. We are both very willing and hopeful in working things out. We are planning on going to counseling 100% but we wanted to get help from forums until we go.





MrsAldi said:


> So, no disagreements at all between you two?
> Any critical comments, perhaps said in a jovial manner?
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

If all relationships were Extremely hard, there would be no such thing as marriage. I'm not saying you shouldn't have to work hard enough to be a good partner. But when you say that Relationships are excessively, extremely, expletive of your choice hard, what you are implying is that relationships aren't worth the effort. So why would anyone expend the effort.

In this case I would not jump to the infidelity / other person answer, as quickly as I would jump to the Low Drive answer, or the substance abuse answer. But whichever way, why struggle with it when better (Easier) is available?
Of course at my age 1 year looks a bit like a blink.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Yup, and at my age, seeing people like this struggling when they're merely dating makes me wish I were a few years younger, and perhaps had time to find someone compatible that I could say, settle down and have children with. At my age though, that's looking like a very sad dream that gets bleaker by the day. :crying:



Mr. Nail said:


> In this case I would not jump to the infidelity / other person answer, as quickly as I would jump to the Low Drive answer, or the substance abuse answer. But whichever way, why struggle with it when better (Easier) is available? *Of course at my age 1 year looks a bit like a blink.*


----------



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

to the OP is the SO on any medications ? If so what are they ?


----------



## Michaylah (Mar 1, 2017)

DepressedHusband said:


> to the OP is the SO on any medications ? If so what are they ?


None, we are not sure if he has depression or not. Something else to discuss with therapist


----------



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Michaylah said:


> None, we are not sure if he has depression or not. Something else to discuss with therapist


You seem to have a very domineering personality, are you smothering him ?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This started after you moved in together. Perhaps the permanency of the situation is more reality than he bargained for. Stress and fear can certainly affect one's libido. Explore the possibility of separating households and see how he responds.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Michaylah said:


> Absolutely no arguments lately.





> Everything we feel we tell each other.


Is this you talking to him and him listening and answering your questions? 

Or - is he coming to you and talking about the issue with you? 



> We were dating for 8 or 9 months before we got an apartment together but we technically lived together before that with other people. It only seemed to start a couple months after we moved in together. It started off little and it's progressed, it's still not as bad but we want to stop it in its tracks right now.


Can you think of any changes in the dynamics of your relationship that might have caused that spark to become lost?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Maybe they're not compatible but can we even determine that with the information that we have? It sounds like this has just recently started so maybe it's just a hiccup that can be worked through. I'm just so tired of the immediate "leave him/her" responses. Relationships are *****ING hard.* If the advice to everyone would be to leave at the first sign of trouble, we'd all be alone.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Stare at the starred Sends-her Word, above
....................................................................................................................................................................................................

Four stars just fell out of the sky and one dented my Whizzer motorbike.

Those four stars represent a word that is left out of @Michaylah's dinner menu. 

That sweet Lady wants what is under those stars. He husband aint't giving her any. And @EleGirl won't let us get Halibut for dinner...Eye-Ther... 

No vanilla ***** for desert, Eye-ther.

...................................................................................................................................................................................................

Michaylah, check your husbands computer. Go to his history file. Is he [overly] squinting at Porn? Are his eyes bloodshot? Does he have lower back problems?

Check his hands. Do they have blisters or callouses on them?

He is getting his sex somewhere.

a) Porn
b) From a Hussy, with red lips.
c) Gay sex?

If he is not relieving himself then he is very depressed. Is he on anti-anxiety, anti-depressive medicine. 
Does he have ED problems?

Why aren't you two talking? What do you think is the problem? What has he said about your situation?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Yup, and at my age, seeing people like this struggling when they're merely dating makes me wish I were a few years younger, and perhaps had time to find someone compatible that I could say, settle down and have children with. At my age though, that's looking like a very sad dream that gets bleaker by the day. :crying:


:frown2::frown2::frown2::crying: :|


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wondered when the gay thing would pop up. While it is a possibility, they just moved in together and now he knows how she picks up her socks. It could be any of a million tiny things. Or it could be sunlight deprivation. The possibilities are endless.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Michaylah said:


> struggles with his body image so I don't know if that is part of it.


Has he always struggled with his body image or is this something new?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, when you ask / invite him for sex, what is his response? Is it a physical thing "I'm tired", "I'm feeling poorly", etc, or is it "I'm not in the mood right now". Does it feel like a physical issue?

What sorts of things does he prefer to sex?



Its vital to find a way to fix this, a relationship with an unhappy sex life is not going to last well.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Michaylah said:


> It's limited to sex only.


Be careful not to minimise how big this issue is. Sex is VERY important in a relationship. It's the one aspect of a relationship that sets that relationship apart from all others in our lives. It builds trust, emotional intimacy, provides comfort in times of sadness and relieves tension....it's not "just sex".

It could be living together on your own as a couple, as opposed to living in a sharehouse has brought home to your boyfriend that you're more serious than he is ready for? It could be that he dislikes things about the way you live - where you put your dirty clothes, whether you do your dishes, maybe he feels he's doing the lion's share of the housework? It could be work related, and nothing at all to do with you.

The only one who can answer your questions is him...he needs to man up and talk to you about what the issue is...withholding sex from you is very unfair and selfish.


----------

