# I am lost....



## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

So we have been married for nearly 20 years...with one child. Both married only once. I have never been unfaithful to my wife...ever.

The last 6-7 years have been rough...new child (one and only). I am the sole breadwinner and travel weekly. Over the last few years my wife has gotten chronic with texting. First thing in the morning last thing at night. Several things prior to this have caused my trust in her to come into question...making me suspicious. At times I will ask, (as she does with me...but my phone communications are hobby/work) about who's texting etc. She says its such and such...blah blah. Ok got it. But its so much all through the day and when we get into bed...it has just been so irritating. So feeling really uneasy about things, I started viewing some of the texts. Over the last several months, I have read some appalling things being shared about our marriage, sex life and other personal items with her girlfriends. No texting to men. She makes sure to have messages deleted as soon as possible as she doesn't want me to find them. I am at a crossroads now. She doesn't know I know. However something has to be done.

I am sleeping on the couch most of the time when I am home and gone during the week for work. I am completely miserable. I have made some creative statements to her about what I see in the texts and tried to address the issue without tipping my hand that I am reading her texts. I really want to confront her on all of this but she would then know I was reading up on her texts. If we did not have a child, I would probably leave for a while.

I am lost.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My first thought is that you can't have much of a marriage with you traveling weekly. You're basically separated every single week. How often are you actually home?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Do you know for sure there's no men she's texting? Are you just going by the names in her contacts?


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## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> My first thought is that you can't have much of a marriage with you traveling weekly. You're basically separated every single week. How often are you actually home?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It varies. Over the last few years it's been 2/3 days per week every week. Common for a sales position. However lately I have been able to be home a week or two here and there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

To clarify, she deleted her texts? Did you just happen to catch the texts about your marriage to her friends before she deleted them, or were there other deleted texts that you didn't see? We are sure she isn't texting men right?

How is her mood with you? Distant? How often are you away for work during the week? (asked and answered - thank you). That must be difficult for both of you, especially with a young child at home.

I'd suggest putting the phones away after a certain hour, no texting in bed, etc. but give her an alternative activity to texting (especially in the bedroom). Don't ask her not to text in bed and then just roll over and go to sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you need to look into this a little more before you confront. I suggest you plant a voice activated recorder in her car and a place she would take what few calls she does make. The car is the best place...that is were she will feel the safest in talking to any men.

I mean how much does she really need to spend with her friends when she has all this time when you are at work? You would think what little time she has with you the rest of her social life can be put on hold until you leave again.

There is a big red flag here and it appears she is addicted to someone and even maybe afraid she will lose this someone if she doesn't stay in constant contact.....the way I see it, her behavior is of someone that has a new "friend" and sorry to say you have been replaced.

I think it's time to go all James Bond on her and get to the bottom of whats really going on here.


On the other side of the coin here she could be spending time with a new boy friend when you are in fact gone there by uses the time she has with you to catch up with her real friends while you are around and it's safer to text them.

At the end of the day you are no longer her priority...it's time to find out why!

And don't even both asking her....you are going to need to do this investigation on your own.


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## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

Tobyboy said:


> Do you know for sure there's no men she's texting? Are you just going by the names in her contacts?


I see everything that happens on her phone and verified all the numbers/contacts. So I feel pretty confident.


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## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> To clarify, she deleted her texts? Did you just happen to catch the texts about your marriage to her friends before she deleted them, or were there other deleted texts that you didn't see? We are sure she isn't texting men right?


Answered.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> How is her mood with you? Distant?


No. Not so much we have been working together on that so that we both show attention and affection when we are together. It's hard to do that when all of this is going on though.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> How often are you away for work during the week? (asked and answered - thank you). That must be difficult for both of you, especially with a young child at home.


I like to think we have managed quite well. We have a family network close that helps us.




PhillyGuy13 said:


> I'd suggest putting the phones away after a certain hour, no texting in bed, etc. but give her an alternative activity to texting (especially in the bedroom). Don't ask her not to text in bed and then just roll over and go to sleep.


That is a bit of an issue as well. My drive is about 5 times what hers is and since we had the child her drive has dropped to nothing. In fact, between 2008 and 2013, we were intimate maybe 1 or 2 times a year. That has changed a little bit due to us talking about it. However we always hold hands in bed, say I love you and kiss before we go to sleep.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you talked about what she thinks of your traveling? I ask because women usually need an emotional connection for sex and it could explain some libido issues.

We have a friend that is also a traveling salesman and both hb and I have talked about how we don't understand how he and his wife can possibly have a close personal relationship. Don't know about their sex life but I know them and could see him wanting a lot more.

She doesn't work and spends time getting her nails done and socializing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Is what she is confiding in her girlfriends fact or fiction, exaggeration?


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## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Have you talked about what she thinks of your traveling? I ask because women usually need an emotional connection for sex and it could explain some libido issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes and she has been fine with it for all of our marriage. We communicate often while I am on the road. But maybe I am not providing what she needs when I am home. I don't know.


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## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

Tobyboy said:


> Is what she is confiding in her girlfriends fact or fiction, exaggeration?


Fact. No exaggerations. Her comments/texts are just such a departure from what I get from her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book His Needs Her Needs. It's probably on CD so you can listen while you drive. It explains why she's giving her attention to everyone but you.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP you just need to have the conversation. If not you can do what I did and dance around the subject for 7 years. She may not be happy that you were monitoring texts but you did it for a reason and guess what she is sharing inappropriate information regarding your relationship with friends.

Do her friends look at you like you have a 3rd eye? Are they uncomfortable around you? If so there is more to it than you know. You obviously love her and want to be closer than you are tell her.....or you can wait several years like I did. I am not recommending it by the way.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

My W texts her female cousin all day. She gets to hear the good, bad and ugly with our marriage. It does not bother me. It is a way get another females perspective and vent. She texts quite a bit but knows when to call it a day and spent time with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1022-38 (Apr 4, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> My W texts her female cousin all day. She gets to hear the good, bad and ugly with our marriage. It does not bother me. It is a way get another females perspective and vent. She texts quite a bit but knows when to call it a day and spent time with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess it's possible I am blowing this put of proportion. Not sure if that will change how I actually feel about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

1022-38 said:


> In fact, between 2008 and 2013, we were intimate maybe 1 or 2 times a year.


There we go. That closed the circle. I'm always afraid my situation pollutes all of my posts.




1022-38 said:


> However we always hold hands in bed, say I love you and kiss before we go to sleep.


So did we . Right up to the point that I figured out she hadn't loved me for the past 10 years. 

Women fall out of love with their husbands ALL THE TIME. They usually don't tell you about it until it's too late. Is it too late for you? Again, my experience says "probably". All of these good folks will tell you it may not be. They'll give you advice. Just prepare for the worst. I think she's out the door already.



1022-38 said:


> I guess it's possible I am blowing this put of proportion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you're not. What's the opposite of blowing it out of proportion? That's you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read the book I suggested. It can change a LOT in your wife if you follow its tenets. After that book, read No More Mr Nice Guy, to make sure you're not being one. Being a Nice Guy will also cause her to fall out of love with you. And then Married Man Sex Life Primer to learn how to sweep her off her feet (like all women want).


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Maybe she finds it hard to readjust to you when you have come back from one of your stays. If you are gone three times a week she could be used to having her own routine, her own way of doing things.


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