# Wife in EA with her female friend and wants more



## peacefulsteps (Apr 12, 2012)

I have the proof but have not confronted her yet. I'm not angry and don't blame her. We have driven each other away with past mistakes and not being mindful and understanding of one another. Both of us have become better people in recent years -- oh yeah, we've been married 13 years (as of tomorrow) and have two children, 10 and 9 -- but we still have a void between us. I have no idea if she is a closest lesbian, is bisexual to the core, or has only had this one interest in another woman. I'm more than hesitant to bring the proof to her attention because I invaded her privacy to get it. And it's hardcore proof and plenty of it. Personal journal entries expressing how she feels.
To the best of my knowledge her friend is unaware of my wife's true feelings. She is also in a bad marriage with two children. I know her fairly well and also know her husband. I don't consider either of them close friends to me. Her husband at least suspects something too because he has made continuous remarks over the past few months about them being lovers and partners in the presence of both women.
The friend has been outspoken about not being interested in women but my wife still clings to the thought of them being together.
I don't know what to do. I don't think that confronting my wife will solve anything. I could talk to her and say that I figured it out but she will deny it and become angry that I made such an accusation.
I could talk to the friend's husband and see what he knows. But I don't think any extra information is going to help me. Also, I believe that I would have to tell him what I know in order to have a discussion with him and I'm sure that he would end up spilling the beans and causing everyone grief.
I could talk to her friend. This could end in disaster as well, but I think there is a possibility that it could work out. I only want everyone to be happy, and if I can convey this to her then she may not blow the whistle. She is a kind and caring person, and I believe that if she knew I was trying to fix my marriage she may simply end the friendship or at least try to stop giving false signals to my wife. Oh, I should mention that I am fairly certain that the friend has absolutely no same-sex interests. Of course I could be wrong, but I think I know enough about her to make this assessment.
I'm truly unsure of what to do. I'm not going to jump into action immediately. I have been considering this for a long time. However, the longer that I let it persist I feel that more damage is done. I truly want my wife to be happy and would be okay if she loved someone else. But I think she is setting herself up for disaster by falling in love with a completely straight woman, and our marriage suffers because of it.

Edit: Another option is to wait it out. Since I have been more of a 'good' person and husband I have observed more conflict with my wife and her friend and they don't seem to be as 'in tune' with one another as they once were. Still, they spend a lot of time together and I believe my wife is still pursuing her as a love interest.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I am sure you will get some good advice here.

First off there are no secrets in a good marriage. No privacy like this. I get that you looked in a journal and that is a tad different from emails and texts. You have a responsibility to protect your marriage. That trumps and semblance of privacy. Some will disagree but I am pro-transparency. Transparency and a loving wife saved my marriage.

Is it possible that this is a one-way fantasy or obsession with your wife?

I see only danger in any EA in waiting. I speak from experience on this. Your marriage cannot be worked on until this affair is over.

Ultimately you guys will need to sever all ties with this other couple. You wife must go complete no contact with her. This will start the withdrawal procees. It will take weeks or even months of NC to work. She will attempt to go underground and there will likely be set backs even if she is willing to work through it. You will have to remain vigilant as each time contact is re-established it pretty much resets the withdrawal counter.

Is there a possibility that this other husband is in on this, hoping to have two women in his bed with him?

I am wondering how much of an ally he can be. 

Also stop beating yourself up. Deal with the EA and then owkr on the marriage when it is dead.


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## peacefulsteps (Apr 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Is it possible that this is a one-way fantasy or obsession with your wife?
> 
> Is there a possibility that this other husband is in on this, hoping to have two women in his bed with him?
> 
> I am wondering how much of an ally he can be.


I do believe it is a one-way fantasy with my wife. From my observations (of my wife and the two of them together) and from the journal entries the friend does not give any indication of wanting more than a friendship.

The husband is not in on this. He openly admits to wanting to be with two women at once but he is angry and frustrated with this friendship between our wives. I believe that he could be an ally, but to what end? I agree with you that this needs attention, but I do not want to cause anyone pain by bringing it out in the open unless I am pretty certain that the situation can be resolved.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

peacefulsteps said:


> I agree with you that this needs attention, but I do not want to cause anyone pain by bringing it out in the open unless I am pretty certain that the situation can be resolved.


What is the definition of resolved?

Does that mean that if she won't give up the relationship with the friend that you'd rather say nothing and keep living with your marriage the way it exist currently?

You realize that's not possible right? You can only give your heart to one person, the deeper the bond she develops with this OW the less of herself she can give to you and your marriage. This will get better or it will get worse - it will not stay as is.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peacefulsteps said:


> I do believe it is a one-way fantasy with my wife. From my observations (of my wife and the two of them together) and from the journal entries the friend does not give any indication of wanting more than a friendship.
> 
> The husband is not in on this. He openly admits to wanting to be with two women at once but he is angry and frustrated with this friendship between our wives. I believe that he could be an ally, but to what end? I agree with you that this needs attention, but I do not want to cause anyone pain by bringing it out in the open unless I am pretty certain that the situation can be resolved.


If he has openly stated that he wants to be with both women then do not consider him much of an ally. Be cautious. Yiou may have caught this in time. We will see what others say but I would err on the side of caution and endeavor to break this relationship completely. The other woman may just decide to have a thressome for her husbands benefit. That may or may not be a real threat but you don't know. Not so sure it is good to have a guy around who openly states he would like to be wioth both of them. Yeah I get that that could be a playful and flirty thing to say. Under what circumsyances had that come up. What is your response? I assume you are laughing it off.

Also if this is a one-way thing then mentioning anything to the other yusband may just make him up for some mischief.

I think you need to confront your wife with all of this. How you do this exactly and the timing I would wait to see some more response but waiting is not a great idea. Again you will probably need to cut ties.

The longer this goes on the deeper your wife goes into the fog. If she gets anything in the way of a positive response from the OW, then this could escalate to a PA overnight.


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## peacefulsteps (Apr 12, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> What is the definition of resolved?
> 
> Does that mean that if she won't give up the relationship with the friend that you'd rather say nothing and keep living with your marriage the way it exist currently?
> 
> You realize that's not possible right? You can only give your heart to one person, the deeper the bond she develops with this OW the less of herself she can give to you and your marriage. This will get better or it will get worse - it will not stay as is.


To me resolved is either:

She gives up her fantasy and devotes herself to our marriage.

OR

We realize that we are over.

Those are the obvious possible outcomes. I foresee other possibilities such as her deciding not to speak to me about it at all or flat out denying it even with proof on the table. This would lead to anger and tension in the household and me wondering whether there is still a chance for us to reconnect or if it is over. With her lack of communication being obvious, I feel that this scenario is a strong possibility.


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## peacefulsteps (Apr 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> If he has openly stated that he wants to be with both women then do not consider him much of an ally. Be cautious. Yiou may have caught this in time. We will see what others say but I would err on the side of caution and endeavor to break this relationship completely. The other woman may just decide to have a thressome for her husbands benefit. That may or may not be a real threat but you don't know. Not so sure it is good to have a guy around who openly states he would like to be wioth both of them. Yeah I get that that could be a playful and flirty thing to say. Under what circumsyances had that come up. What is your response? I assume you are laughing it off.
> 
> Also if this is a one-way thing then mentioning anything to the other yusband may just make him up for some mischief.
> 
> ...


He openly stated that being with two women was a fantasy of his. He did not specify his wife and mine, nor do I believe he wants that. I think he loathes my wife, and perhaps even his own. 
I know that this does need brought into the open if I want anything to change. I don't fear splitting up and I welcome fixing our marriage. If you read my above reply you know why I am hesitant.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Then you need to engage this sooner than later in my opinion before it grows deeper. Putting the genie back in the bottle is tough.

Basically you will at some point say that her relationship with another, whether male or female is unacceptable to you. This will give the best chance at reolving this and then working on your marriage.

The earlier this is done the better. You have to set your boundaries on this, They must be firm or they do not exist.

Down the road when you are working on the marriage you could do His Needs her Needs together and do the boundary setting together.

I also suggest that you will likely get gaslighted on this, She will be upset and blame you for reading her private journal. She will claim it was just a fantasy.

I would not let that deter you from her going NC with this couple. Fantasies have a way of becoming reality without proper checks in place. In fact it is a method called Affirmations ( Lou Tice ) thst allows us to reprogram our behaviors. It starts with affirmations and visualiztions. In essence living the fantasy takes place over time. The mind is built this way for adaptation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peacefulsteps said:


> He openly stated that being with two women was a fantasy of his. He did not specify his wife and mine, nor do I believe he wants that. I think he loathes my wife, and perhaps even his own.
> I know that this does need brought into the open if I want anything to change. I don't fear splitting up and I welcome fixing our marriage. If you read my above reply you know why I am hesitant.


Ok so his comments were in general. Better than being so bold as to specifiy your wife.

Hmmm, loathes his wife and perhaps even his own.

Well good he is not crazy about your wife. Loathing his own does not work for you per se.

But this seems to clarify this aspect.


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## peacefulsteps (Apr 12, 2012)

I'll consider these thoughts. I'm not certain how he feels about his own wife, I threw that in their as a possibility. I know more about her than I do him. I only ever talk to him briefly.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Read this, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/43803-my-wife-told-me-she-bi.html


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## peacefulsteps (Apr 12, 2012)

keko said:


> Read this, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/43803-my-wife-told-me-she-bi.html


I read it; I get it. I won't have a good opportunity to speak to her for at least a few days so I have time to mull it over.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you need to confront asap, because even if friend rebuffs her, she will likely look for the next woman/man down the line


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

peacefulsteps said:


> I read it; I get it. I won't have a good opportunity to speak to her for at least a few days so I have time to mull it over.


Either way, tell her your boundaries clearly and let her know if she breaks them its D time. Like in that example if you don't put your foot down hard she is going to take it to the next level and on.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

peacefulsteps said:


> Edit: Another option is to wait it out. Since I have been more of a 'good' person and husband I have observed more conflict with my wife and her friend and they don't seem to be as 'in tune' with one another as they once were. Still, they spend a lot of time together and I believe my wife is still pursuing her as a love interest.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

Since her friends husband has also brought up the idea that the two may have something going, this is an opening for you to discuss this with your wife without divulging the information you do have at hand. Just sit down and advise her like her friends husband you get an idea that something is going on between them and you need answers. Do not accept a short response from her and be ready to ask for more. If she says nothing has taken place bring up emotions and tell her you have checked into this on the internet and you get vibes from her that something is taking place and you need to know so you can get your life in order. If she is not in IC you may want to bring that up.


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