# Texting Affair



## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

While my situation is not overtly unique and I feel as if I am merely posting what has been posted hundreds of times before. I still feel like this will be good for me to confide in complete strangers and have someone to talk to about my situation.

I'm going to tell the story, hopefully no one gets bored with the details.

I have been married to my wife for 8 years. (three kids) They have been very difficult 8 years. We've gone through failed businesses, miscarriages, lack of money, nervous breakdowns, depression/anxiety...etc. Overall we've stayed together and stayed strong for each other and I love her very much. I want nothing more in the world to be with her.

I found out in March of this year that she was "sexting" with a person in California. I knew she was spending too much time on her phone and she was always evasive about it. I finally took her phone while she was sleeping and just read the texts. (yes I know what I did was wrong) She had been carrying on a very intimate relationship with a another man for about 6 months. It started out innocent (as they always do) but became very intimate. It was a very sexually explicit relationship, but it was also a very comforting relationship for her specifically (because she struggles with depression). For me the whole thing was a huge pit in my stomach. The pain of feeling betrayed on this level was far more than I had ever expected. It hurt (and continues to hurt) so deep inside that I could barely understand every emotion that went through me.

I wanted her to understand the pain I felt, but I have come to realize that she never will. It's a pain that only can be experienced and not understood. So I have since moved on from making her understand to becoming the "alpha-male" (if you will) and stop trying to find pity.

I confronted her about the relationship in March and to her credit she ended everything with Mr X. rather promptly. Since then we've been reading "I love you but I'm not in love with you." We're working on being completely open and honest. I have since been reading about love language and am doing things to speak her love languages. I've also picked up a bunch of "how to be romantic" books to be more like a romantic husband who appreciates her. It's obvious to me that I was lacking in many areas and she wasn't feeling appreciated/loved. We haven't done any counseling yet as we're waiting for our insurance to start a new off cycle year so we have money in the FSA.

Here's where I'd like to vent:
1. She actually tried to start talking with Mr X again recently. Once again I caught her, but this time she specifically said, "I don't understand what the problem is, now that things are better between us, I just want to talk to him as a friend." 

For those of you who have been on this site a while, you will know this as a big red flag. I followed the advice I found on this site and I basically gave her an ultimatum. Either she stays with me and cuts off communication with Mr X completely. Or she needs to leave and be with Mr X and never come back. We had some arguments about this, but I think she now understands where I'm coming from. She may resent me in the short term but I'll make it up to her in the long term.

2. Here is another area I'd like to vent. I want to fight for my wife, I want to fight for my relationship. But it really sucks that I feel hurt and betrayed by her, but I'm the one who has to change the most to win her back. I have to win her back while simultaneously trying to forgive her and let the pain inside dissipate. I understand this isn't fair and there's nothing that can be done...but I just want to complain a bit....it really sucks.

3. In some ways I feel jealous. I have had complete fidelity with my wife and never have done anything remotely close to an emotional affair let alone a physical. I have no female friends, I don't go hang out with people. (I am the classic introvert) I focus all my attention on taking care of the kids, and supporting our family. (My wife has severe depression and some days can't even get out of bed). In some ways it would be nice to have someone to talk to all the time and be intimate with, when my wife isn't "fulfilling my needs." (That's the way she put it. I wasn't there for her, so she turned to someone else)

4. Lastly, I want to vent about playing second fiddle. a friend of my wife actually sent me a copy of their conversation because it really scared the friend. I read the conversation and was not startled by it at all, but I was surprised my wife hadn't told me this:
My wife still very much in love with this other guy. She thinks about him all the time, and has to force herself not to think about him. My wife actually struggles with the idea that she found her soulmate, and it's not me. She wonders if God made a mistake and was actually sent her to the wrong guy.

I'm not offended by this because I don't believe in "soulmates." They don't exist. What bothers me is there is a possibility I could do everything to win her back and have her fall in love with me again, and I'd still be second place in her heart. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get her to fall in love with me again; but there are no guarantees. The thought of being with the woman I love and working so hard at it only to come in second is awfully depressing.

Anyway, that's it. Thanks!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> . I finally took her phone while she was sleeping and just read the texts. (yes I know what I did was wrong)


No it wasn't wrong. It wasn't wrong at all. That's exactly what you should do when your gut tells your of pirates in the coast. 



> I confronted her about the relationship in March and to her credit she ended everything with Mr X. rather promptly. Since then we've been reading "I love you but I'm not in love with you." We're working on being completely open and honest. I have since been reading about love language and am doing things to speak her love languages. I've also picked up a bunch of "how to be romantic" books to be more like a romantic husband who appreciates her.


I think you've been reading the wrong books. She cheated on you so you work on it and become "a husband who appreciates her"? 

What kind of new age ineffective hogwash is that? You should have put her on probations, the figurative dog house. Instead you went all out BETA on her and she saw that as a pass to keep doing it.

Good thing you had help from the guys here. But it was still not enough.



> I'm not offended by this because I don't believe in "soulmates." They don't exist. What bothers me is there is a possibility I could do everything to win her back and have her fall in love with me again, and I'd still be second place in her heart.


Can't you see? She has cheated. And it's you that are doing all the heavy lifting still. Of course she is in love with the other guy. He is a fantasy... You're not. You're real. And you haven't took the steps required to make this whole situation REAL for her too.


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Can't you see? She has cheated. And it's you that are doing all the heavy lifting still. Of course she is in love with the other guy. He is a fantasy... You're not. You're real. And you haven't took the steps required to make this whole situation REAL for her too.


costa200,

Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely correct. I am doing all the heavy lifting and it's driving me crazy...Might I ask your advice on what to do to make it real for her as well? I must not have paid attention to this part.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, there was nothing at all wrong with you looking at her phone. Nothing. That's like saying you heard noises so you walked into the room to find your wife having sex with the OM, and that somehow you invaded her privacy.

So stop such silly thoughts.

Also she must give you compete transparency at this point, and going forward. Any time you want her phone and texts should be available to see. And you should look.

Have you found out who the OM is, his she met him etc?. You need to see if he has a wife/gf and other detaiils and expose what he has done. Take him out of the picture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> First, there was nothing at all wrong with you looking at her phone. Nothing. That's like saying you heard noises so you walked into the room to find your wife having sex with the OM, and that somehow you invaded her privacy.
> 
> So stop such silly thoughts.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, I believe you are correct. It's good to hear.



Shaggy said:


> Have you found out who the OM is, his she met him etc?. You need to see if he has a wife/gf and other detaiils and expose what he has done. Take him out of the picture.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I know who the OM is. I read most of their conversations, looked at his facebook profile, reverse searched where he lived. The two of them never met fortunately. They talked about meeting all the time. He's a single guy in college; so he has no strings. That might have been a little exciting for her.

Also my wife has been very open and transparent. Until recently. She doesn't want to tell me why she misses him, so I don't know if that is a red flag or not. But other than that, I've looked at her phone with her permission. I will ensure he is completely removed from the picture.

Thanks for the response.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

I have been through this rodeo and I know full well how much it sucks. If you want this to work, she has to change and be completely committed to you and your marriage. As was already stated, she is the one who cheated and she needs to work to earn your forgiveness. And don't ever kid yourself, this is cheating! 

First of all, she must agree to complete transparency. You get to see her phone, Facebook account, everything. There can be no secrets between you...no privacy when it comes to this at all. If she doesn't agree to this, then assume she is hiding something. 

Secondly, and this is just my opinion, you need the firm, ultimatum that you will not stand for her speaking with Mr. X ever again. There is no being friends with this guy...no communication ever again. It is over and if she doesn't agree to that, you are leaving. You have to let her know you won't be treated like a door mat. You have more self-respect than that. You need to respect yourself or she she never will. Right now she is treating you like a dish rag...she can wipe the counter with you, scrub the floor and you are still there waiting for another morsel of affection while she has sexual fantasies on her phone with the this other guy. If you want her back, she has to know what she has to lose. People only react/change when and only when , they know the dramatic consequences of their actions. In this case, you leaving with the kids should do the trick. 

There you go...a blueprint for you. In the meantime, you could certainly benefit from some couples counseling. You need to re-ignite the spark you had when you first got married. Cliche I know but work needs to be done here. She strayed for a reason...not saying it was right but she is seeking something and it sounds like you are as well. Find out what it is through talking and work on finding it together. 

Good luck!


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

Corkey88 said:


> First of all, she must agree to complete transparency. You get to see her phone, Facebook account, everything. There can be no secrets between you...no privacy when it comes to this at all. If she doesn't agree to this, then assume she is hiding something.
> 
> 
> 
> Good luck!


Corkey88,

thanks for the response. You are absolutely right, I need to demand this of her. 

On a different note: I know exactly who the guy is on facebook. Have you (or anyone) confronted the OM? I'm tempted to do so, but don't know what I'd say.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Yes I knew who the guy was but I never confronted him. Ask yourself what would be the point? This is your wife's problem and she has to change. The scumbag who is enticing your wife won't ever change. 

I think confronting him is pointless unless you are looking for a physical confrontation or to threaten him. Both of these are stupid and childish and can easily backfire on you. 

Just leave it alone and get back to working on your marriage.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

iamtheswoop said:


> 4. Lastly, I want to vent about playing second fiddle. a friend of my wife actually sent me a copy of their conversation because it really scared the friend. I read the conversation and was not startled by it at all, but I was surprised my wife hadn't told me this:
> My wife still very much in love with this other guy. She thinks about him all the time, and has to force herself not to think about him. My wife actually struggles with the idea that she found her soulmate, and it's not me. She wonders if God made a mistake and was actually sent her to the wrong guy.
> 
> I'm not offended by this because I don't believe in "soulmates." They don't exist. What bothers me is there is a possibility I could do everything to win her back and have her fall in love with me again, and I'd still be second place in her heart. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get her to fall in love with me again; but there are no guarantees. The thought of being with the woman I love and working so hard at it only to come in second is awfully depressing.
> ...


This is because she is living a fantasy with the other man. There are no kids to take care of in their private world, there are no bills no problems etc.. She is only seeing the very best of him put into just the perfect light. Its called the affair fog by some people on this site. It will go away but you need to snap her out of it. There are lots of great posts on it and maybe someone with more experience in dealing with it could help you. 
I can say that it will not last.. you need to focus on yourself and maybe do 180 on her until the fog goes away?


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

forlorn99 said:


> This is because she is living a fantasy with the other man. There are no kids to take care of in their private world, there are no bills no problems etc.. She is only seeing the very best of him put into just the perfect light. Its called the affair fog by some people on this site. It will go away but you need to snap her out of it. There are lots of great posts on it and maybe someone with more experience in dealing with it could help you.
> I can say that it will not last.. you need to focus on yourself and maybe do 180 on her until the fog goes away?


forlorn99,

Holy crap you are right. Why didn't I think about the "affair fog" before. Sheesh! I've read some of those posts but it didn't even register. Now that you've said it you are absolutely right. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

iamtheswoop said:


> costa200,
> 
> Thank you for your reply. You are absolutely correct. I am doing all the heavy lifting and it's driving me crazy...Might I ask your advice on what to do to make it real for her as well? I must not have paid attention to this part.


First stop being so damn beta man, she made this mess not you.

Second, find out who the Om is and hope he`s married so you can send a copy of all the correspondence to his wife and she`ll destroy your wifes "soulmate" fantasy in a heartbeat.

Third, no second chances.If your wife breaks NC with OM again have her served.

She needs to start feeling the repercussions of her actions.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I along with countless others could have written this post word for word. The way you described your emotions, thoughts, fears were to the point and many if not all of us can relate to each one. 

Did your wife ever meet the man in real life or did it stay online only? My husband had a similar emotional affair but never met the woman....which I feel only fuels the "unfinished" feeling that this person is romantic ideal. 

Everyone talks about the fog and the fantasy of all affairs and while that makes perfect sense it still totally sucks for the spouse who is as you said, is healing and mending at the same time. I don't know how to snap them out of it...because it feels like your trying to convince them that you are the better choice...which feels desperate to me but I understand the principles. 


Just last night I was hit like with a bout of sadness thinking about all the years we have been together and that he was tossing that history aside for someone he knew a whole month...... it boggles the mind. 

Thank you for sharing your words....they do provide comfort to know that we are not alone in these moments.... others feel and understand the pain. 

Maybe someone can chime in with some points to discuss about your last issue---the feeling the spouse has to "find out if they are their soul male"--- in my case right after D-day, I gave up. Right away I was too discouraged to "fight" for my man and I didn't want to play second fiddle. I believed him when he said he loved her and wanted to try and see if he could find a way to be with her ( impossible odds since she lives in Iran) I basically bowed out and said "go for it" but in a nice way.......fast forward to reconciliation and counseling and our counselor says that was a wrong move and spouse agreed. He compared it to a person struggling with drug addiction and by me accepting his decision to pursue the "soul mate" akin to handing him the crack pipe????? 

Doesn't it make more sense to let them go if they are determined????? It feels intuitive to do that, so that they can see that the fantasy isn't all it's cracked up to be.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

In another thread you texted the following, which I will address here so as to not hijack the other persons thread.


iamtheswoop said:


> I got the "Go find another girl and make me jealous!"


 If your wife said this then it is only a matter of time before your marraige is over unless you do something dramatic. 

You caught her cheating, yet you reward her cheating by doing all the heavy lifting to be a better husband and make the marraige work. She tells you to your face that she loves the other man and that he is her soul mate, and this makes you work even harder as she does nothing. She even has the nerve to tell you that she wants to continue talking to the other man (OM) but as just friends, even though you both know that they are not just friends. She has so little concern for you and your dignity that she openly discusses the OM with people that you know well enough that they copy you in to the texts. Bottom line is that your reactions to her cheating was so beta that she has lost all respect for you. She cannot love someone that she does not respect. What you are doing now is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

As counter intuitive as this may seem to you, your best chance at keeping her is to leave her. With her telling you to date other women, it may be to late for this, but it is still your best chance. Also, if it is to end, why not go out like a man with your head held high? Lay down the law right now. 

1) No more contacting the OM and she must tell you of all contacts that he tries to send her.
2) No more even asking to contact the OM.
3) She must agree to full transparency with no complaints. Passwords to everything.
4) She must acknowledge that she cheated and show sighs of remorse.
5) She must tell you what noticeable actions she intends to do to repair the marriage and actually implement these actions.
6) She must look you in the eye and commit to the marraige and making you number one in her life.

Do not let her continue to cake eat were she has you as a back up plan for security. If she does not agree to these items you must contact an attorney and file for divorce. This must be a wake up call to her to jar her out of the fantasy fog and into the reality of you leaving. No begging or pleading. You must mean it. Look up the 180 and follow it. She either comes back out of the fog or she does not, but at least you know where you stand. Sorry that you are here. Cheaters are liars and she is a cheater. Do not let her blame you. You are each 50%-50% responsible for your marraige. She is 100% responsible for her cheating and the end of your marraige if you divorce.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I may have missed it... is the OM married? If so, expose to his BS. 

Start doing the 180... see if it snaps her out of the fog.

Sorry you are here.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Monroe said:


> I may have missed it... is the OM married? If so, expose to his BS.


No apparently he`s a single college kid.

The odds are against the OP's desires.

He should 180 and get on with life, she may react well to it, she may not.

He doesn't have a lot of leverage.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

I’m just going to comment on a couple of points.


iamtheswoop said:


> 2. Here is another area I'd like to vent. I want to fight for my wife, I want to fight for my relationship. But it really sucks that I feel hurt and betrayed by her, but I'm the one who has to change the most to win her back. I have to win her back while simultaneously trying to forgive her and let the pain inside dissipate. I understand this isn't fair and there's nothing that can be done...but I just want to complain a bit....it really sucks.


You are looking at this the wrong way; you are basically rewarding her for cheating on you which is why it’s not working. She broke the M, she should be trying to win you back. The problem here is that you gave her no incentive to work on the M because you are doing all the work plus she knows you are not going anywhere. She is doing as little as possible because she can get away with it.




> 4. Lastly, I want to vent about playing second fiddle. a friend of my wife actually sent me a copy of their conversation because it really scared the friend. I read the conversation and was not startled by it at all, but I was surprised my wife hadn't told me this:
> My wife still very much in love with this other guy. She thinks about him all the time, and has to force herself not to think about him. My wife actually struggles with the idea that she found her soulmate, and it's not me. She wonders if God made a mistake and was actually sent her to the wrong guy.
> I'm not offended by this because I don't believe in "soulmates." They don't exist.


Just because you (or I) don’t believe in this nonsense doesn’t mean she doesn’t. If she is still in this mindset then she is still in the A in her head and won’t be able to commit to you fully. This is no bueno and means that you are in a false R.



> What bothers me is there is a possibility I could do everything to win her back and have her fall in love with me again, and I'd still be second place in her heart. I'm going to do whatever it takes to get her to fall in love with me again; but there are no guarantees. The thought of being with the woman I love and working so hard at it only to come in second is awfully depressing.


If this is what you are trying to do then you are going to fail and on many levels. This tactic never works, you can’t compete with the fantasy of an A and trying to makes you look weak. Like I said before, you are trying to reward her by being a better husband to someone that betrayed you. She has lost respect for you because she knows in the back of her mind no self-respecting man would put up with a cheating wife. The fact that you are shows you need the M more than her which means she is in control. As long as she has any positive feelings for the OM (and actually thought she can be “friends” with him) means false R. 

I would suggest STOP trying to work on the M, you are actually making things worse. You need to turn the tables on her. If you want to save your M you need to try to end it. For R to truly work, she has to be committed 100% (it looks like she’s 10% right now) and to get her to that place she needs to be afraid of you walking out the door. Give up on her and the M, looking into (or file) for a D. Just throw in the towel and see what she does. Her actions will tell you if you have a W worth R’ing with.


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

daggeredheart said:


> I along with countless others could have written this post word for word. The way you described your emotions, thoughts, fears were to the point and many if not all of us can relate to each one.
> 
> Did your wife ever meet the man in real life or did it stay online only? My husband had a similar emotional affair but never met the woman....which I feel only fuels the "unfinished" feeling that this person is romantic ideal.


You absolutely speak the truth they never met in person like your husband, that was something that really bothered me as well and now that you say it, it makes sense. It makes it that much more of a fantasy, and it's just confusing.



daggeredheart said:


> I basically bowed out and said "go for it" but in a nice way.......fast forward to reconciliation and counseling and our counselor says that was a wrong move and spouse agreed. He compared it to a person struggling with drug addiction and by me accepting his decision to pursue the "soul mate" akin to handing him the crack pipe?????


I know exactly how you feel. At times I just think...go do it...whatever! I am sorry you had to go through all of that. Your husband eventually came back then? Do you mind if I ask? Are you happy now, or does it still bother you?


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

TRy said:


> In another thread you texted the following, which I will address here so as to not hijack the other persons thread.
> If your wife said this then it is only a matter of time before your marraige is over unless you do something dramatic.
> 
> 1) No more contacting the OM and she must tell you of all contacts that he tries to send her.
> 2) No more even asking to contact the OM.


Yes, we've done this so far and she has completely agreed. He is out of the picture, and I'm actually monitoring her facebook.



TRy said:


> 3) She must agree to full transparency with no complaints. Passwords to everything.


I will demand this happen tonight



TRy said:


> 4) She must acknowledge that she cheated and show sighs of remorse.
> 5) She must tell you what noticeable actions she intends to do to repair the marriage and actually implement these actions.
> 6) She must look you in the eye and commit to the marraige and making you number one in her life.


She has acknowledged she cheated. But I have not asked for any noticeable actions. That's a good Idea! I'll do so! She did look me in the eye and say she will fight for our marriage. This is great feedback.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If he is a kid in college is to expose to his parents. They may not be ok with him using their dime at college to chase a married womn with kids.

He still may have a gf to expose to.

Btw have you verified that he is actually in college - trust no info you get from your WW unless you verify it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> First stop being so damn beta man, she made this mess not you.
> 
> She needs to start feeling the repercussions of her actions.


tacoma,

You are absolutely right. My whole life I've let people walk over me. I'm one of those white personalities that has let people get their way. I'm sick of it. But I'm confused on how to become the "Alpha!"

I actually read the mystery method about the pick up artists and what it takes to be the "Alpha." Unfortunately my wife suffers from depression and using things from that book backfired a bit. Do you have any suggested reading material or ideas on how to become the Alpha. I don't want to put up with anyone's crap anymore. I'm sick of it! I want to stand up for myself.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Well it happened at the end of February. It was a total lark that I caught him. He confessed right away and deleted all evidence promptly before I could read any of them so at least that doesn't haunt me but I'm sure my mind has filled in the blanks with the worst. I asked him to leave which he did. He stayed with a co-worker and kept chatting/talking with her during the time apart. 

The sad part is our young son was hospitalized soon after with pneumonia and spouse and I were in the hospital a lot taking care of him. Husband and I acted formal and it was sad. There was a horrible emotional disconnect. He was looking toward a future with his "soul mate" half a world away while I was neck deep in reality. 

There is nothing worse in the world than when the one you loves in love with someone else and even worse when they are basically a "avatar" because they haven't met in real life. Like they love a ghost, something they can't touch, feel smell etc.....and you are chopped liver. Stay on the hillside with me (our life) or jump off the cliff into the dark unknown below....and they actually think/do it? Boggles the mind and talk about a blow to your ego, self esteem everything is upside down. 

Am I happy??? Did he come back???? Excellent questions and I've pondered them in my head a million times 

Did he come back....you know like the Stephen King book pet cemetery....how you bury the pet in the special grave and he comes back...but he's changed and not always for the best? That's how I feel about him......yes he wanted me to give him another chance and I did but somethings have shifted. My feelings for him are mingled with sadness, disappointment, guarded and at times I feel very close, happy, content and awakened to how I took our marriage for granted. 

I am still angry, hurt and incredibly sad some days. Those emotions still come and go. I live between looking forward and looking back. Trying to put it all together and figure out who I am and who he is. 

Him- I hope he came back 100 % but I know in my heart there is a nugget in him that still holds onto that EA. I read somewhere that it's like _affair_ interuptus_ where the ending of it at it's peak makes the longing for that person worse. Guess you want the fog to burst because the cheating spouse saw the light right?


There are emotions that if he lets them ( I'm not sure if he does)will carry him right back to the height of the affair when he was feeling his most desired, obsessed, happy and caught up in that fab adventure of a new relationship. That pisses me off because I want him to be flooded with negative feelings about that time or like you said...."we wanted to feel that way about someone again too". 

Does it bother me? Every day.... maybe forever or only till tomorrow I don't know. Not a day has gone by that I haven't been stung by a memory or a sadness. The sharpest pain is fading but there are lingering triggers....and for me the biggest trigger is _him_ . Just being in the same square mile is a trigger. Could I leave and end the trigger? Would it all stop haunting me? I don't know but I know that I'm not ready to leave my marriage. I love him and choosing to stay and work on it is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

iamtheswoop said:


> tacoma,
> 
> You are absolutely right. My whole life I've let people walk over me. I'm one of those white personalities that has let people get their way. I'm sick of it. But I'm confused on how to become the "Alpha!"
> 
> I actually read the mystery method about the pick up artists and what it takes to be the "Alpha." Unfortunately my wife suffers from depression and using things from that book backfired a bit. Do you have any suggested reading material or ideas on how to become the Alpha. I don't want to put up with anyone's crap anymore. I'm sick of it! I want to stand up for myself.


Ditch that pick-up artist book. 

You are not the one responsible for this situation thus it is not your responsibility to fix it. You cannot control your wife. You cannot MAKE her happy. You cannot force her or mold her into what you want her to be. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS. 

You have to accept that your wife is in love with another man and she thinks she is meant to be with him, not you. Accept this. You don't have to be OK with it or happy about it - but you need to accept reality.

Despite her words to you, the email to the friend expresses her true thoughts about you. You were a mistake. He is her soulmate. 

She needs to experience life without you if there is any chance she will snap out the affair fog she is in.

Tell her that she deserves to be happy and that you do also so you will start the separation papers in prep for a divorce. 

You need actions from her - not words.

BTW you asking her "permission" to see her phone is the ultimate whimpy beta male move. You are her husband. There should and cannot be secrets in a healthy marriage. Please do not jump to the "what about her privacy" crap. Privacy is for the bathroom. Her hiding things from you is secrecy and dishonesty.

Of course she will show the phone to you - she has already deleted the incriminating texts and calls.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

iamtheswoop said:


> tacoma,
> 
> You are absolutely right. My whole life I've let people walk over me. I'm one of those white personalities that has let people get their way. I'm sick of it. But I'm confused on how to become the "Alpha!"
> 
> I actually read the mystery method about the pick up artists and what it takes to be the "Alpha." Unfortunately my wife suffers from depression and using things from that book backfired a bit. Do you have any suggested reading material or ideas on how to become the Alpha. I don't want to put up with anyone's crap anymore. I'm sick of it! I want to stand up for myself.


If i remember correctly that book is intended to get you women, not keep them. I very much prefer The Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay. It also uses that alpha/beta language but is directed at keeping a married man into the loop. It offers no guarantees but it actually explains everything very well. 

To keep yourself married you need to be an Alpha when it matters. But being a beta over certain things is extremely important.


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

costa200 said:


> If i remember correctly that book is intended to get you women, not keep them. I very much prefer The Married Man Sex Life by Athol Kay. It also uses that alpha/beta language but is directed at keeping a married man into the loop. It offers no guarantees but it actually explains everything very well.



Thanks man, just bought in on Amazon! This is what I've been looking for.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

iamtheswoop said:


> Thanks man, just bought in on Amazon! This is what I've been looking for.


Yes it is.

The author of that book has a blog as well.

have a look...

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

This is in no way helps, but what is frustrating about long distance EAs (lordmayhem's wife had one too) is they are the most based in fantasy of all affairs. The AP in such an affair reaches nirvana perfection because they have crafted a persona intensely appealing to the WS. At the same time they are able to disguise and shield nearly 100% of their faults.

I'm sute you've done this and I apologize for not knowing more of your story, but researching the OM sometimes pokes a huge fantasy bubble when they turn out to be someone different than they've presented themselves to be. Sometimes.

If someone hasn't mentioned it yet, read No More Mr. Nice Guy along with MMSL, they are good together and highly recommended on the forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Start thinking on you, man, start living on your schedule, start giving a crap about her. Taylor the 180 to your adventage. Don't tell her a damm about how you are, where you goes, what are your plans...
Start a journey to self improvement.
If she want to chase rainbows, tell her she's free to persue him, better tell her you'll send her to OM, really. Tell her she's entitled to happiness. She has your blessings.

The other book --> No more Mr Nice guy


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*The single most effective thing you can do to break up this emotional affair is to expose it to the other man's family and friends. * Do not tell your wife you are planning to do this. Do not tell the other man you are planning to do this.

You have access to his Facebook, find out who his closest friends and family are and expose to them. Line up all the contact info, prepare in advance, and then shoot them a short message, state who you are, state who your wife is, tell them you have three children, and tell them that their son/sibling/friend is carrying on an affair with your wife and trying to break up your marriage and your family, and ask them for their help in influencing him to find another woman, one who is not already married, and to leave your family and your wife alone.

After you expose to his parents/siblings/other family/friends, contact the other man and let him know that you are going to fight for your family and your wife and your marriage, that you will never stop fighting for them, and tell him that if he doesn't end contact, that you will do what you must to save your marriage and your family. Say nothing more and nothing less, and do not engage him in argument or discussion or negotiation. Say your piece and end the conversation. Do it by Facebook message or email message or by phone.

Since this is only an emotional long distance affair, one in which he may not be anywhere near as emotionally invested as your wife, there is a good chance that he will kick her to the curb and end all contact with her when this starts to have a big impact on his real life. When he kicks her to the curb, your wife will realize he is not her "soulmate."

After you expose, your wife will find out and she will be furious at you. She will tell you that she was going to work on your marriage, but now she is leaving you. She may storm out stay with her parents/siblings/friends for a few days. Tell your wife that you are fighting for her and you are fighting for your marriage and you are fighting for her family. The fog will clear and she will be back.

All those books you are buying and reading are great, all well and good, but don't continue to be the introvert and bury your head in a book right now. Work on preparing for the exposure, try to do this by tomorrow, and confront your wife about ceasing all contact with the other man forever, writing a no contact letter to the other man, and telling your wife she needs to give you access to all communication devices. Read the books after that.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Let her go to her probably broke and player "soulmate" up in college. Then see how much she loves him. You are making things wayyy too easy for her. 

Depression is real but is often a crutch ppl use way too much for infidelity.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You also might bluff her lover---if you do contact him, let him know you have a very good friend that is an atty., and that if he does not disappear completely from your wife's life, now and forever, you will file a civil suit agst him IN CALIF. for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

Does your wife work, or is she dependent upon you totally finance wise-----I am sure the last thing she wants is to be cut loose, as in D., but if necessary that is your one and only weapon to really fight this with

She still


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Your wife has found another man with whom she believes she is "in love." You would probably call it "infatuation." It is that nervous, anxious, butterly-in-the-stomach feeling that you have in the beginning of a relationship. That feeling wears off. It wore off with you and it will wear off with the other man. The problem is, it may take a year or two.

Your wife's relationship with you has become routine. With the other man, it is exciting and new and devoid of any real-life responsibilities. For example, in your relationship with your wife, she may have to cook, clean the toilet, wipe butts, etc. With the other man, there are no chores or responsibilities, just lovey-dovey talk and sex. There is no way to compete with that. The only way you can save your marriage is to end the affair. The affair eventually will die out on its own, but that may be three years down the road after your wife has divorced you.

If you want to save your marriage, end the affair. Expose the affair to the other man's parents and family and friends. Tell them the other man is having an affair with your wife and breaking up your family, including your three young children. Do not tell your wife you are doing this. Do not talk to the other man at all about any subject. 

Before you expose the affair, buy a voice-activated recorder and keep it on you at all times. This will protect you from false accusations from your wife.

If your wife wants to reconcile, tell her she needs to end all contact with the other man. She must handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man, stating how horribly ashamed she is of her behavior and how terrible she feels for risking her marriage, husband, and family, which she values more than anything else in the world, and that if he ever contacts her again, she will file harassment charges against him. The writing of the "no contact" letter, aside from the obvious purpose, also helps your wife psychologically to put the other man in the past and helps you psychologically to feel that your wife really is willing to reconcile.

Another condition of reconciliation is complete transparency by your wife of all her communication devices and accounts. You should have access and passwords. She also should account for her whereabouts 24/7 until she earns your trust back. Tell your wife that privacy is for the bathroom, everything else is secrecy, and there is no place for secrecy in marriage.

If your wife does not agree to the conditions, file for divorce.

You cannot control your wife. You can only control yourself, what you are willing to accept in a marriage and what you are not, and how you react to your wife's actions.

I sense from the tone of your prior posts that you will think the actions recommended here are drastic. Basically, you are asking your wife to end the affair and prove it to you, or you will divorce her. This is not unreasonable. She is lucky you are giving her this chance and not just divorcing her outright for her infidelity.

You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. 
You may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do. If that is the case, better to find out sooner rather than later after you've gone through months of effort and pain, and with your self respect intact, not being her doormat.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

You said you are monitoring FB and her phone... did she remove him from those contacts, tho? If you choose to line up his friends and family, block him after. You will be able to easily monitor that aspect of FB because if she unblocks him, there is a waiting period until she can block him again. If his number/name/email address is still in her contacts AT ALL, delete them immediately.

I apologize if you have stated that you have already done this.

I know how long distance EAs can be. Both my husband and I were involved with long distance EAs. He suffers from various mental/psych issues. We are working thru our infidelities. It's tough, but we're determined. You really do need to make sure he cannot be contacted tho.


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Start thinking on you, man, start living on your schedule, start giving a crap about her. Taylor the 180 to your adventage. Don't tell her a damm about how you are, where you goes, what are your plans...
> Start a journey to self improvement.
> If she want to chase rainbows, tell her she's free to persue him, better tell her you'll send her to OM, really. Tell her she's entitled to happiness. She has your blessings.
> 
> The other book --> No more Mr Nice guy



That was the next book on my list. I plan on reading it next! Let me just say my mind has been blown! I have lived my life and my marriage according to what my religion and all "authority figures" had told me. It turns out they were were wrong. The whole Alpha vs Beta thing has completely disrupted the way I think. Thanks everyone.


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it.
> You may not be able to save your marriage no matter what you do. If that is the case, better to find out sooner rather than later after you've gone through months of effort and pain, and with your self respect intact, not being her doormat.


Thank you for the advice....you're absolutely right. I can't believe how strange it is that I've never heard of this type of stuff until coming here. Why is it that I never knew any of this growing up or for the first 8 years of marriage. I had been trained to fail in my marriage by everyone around me.


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## iamtheswoop (Jul 16, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Yes it is.
> 
> The author of that book has a blog as well.
> 
> ...


tacoma,

Thank you for the book suggestion. I almost completely swallowed the book last night. I'm almost done with it. I read it really fast. I can definitely say that it has blown my mind. My religious teachings regarding marriage have been all wrong....my parents were wrong (no wonder my mom is miserable). I've been taught all the wrong things for so long. It make so much sense to me now why my wife did what she did, and I now more fully understand why so many marriages fail.

All of my married friends are going through exactly the same type of problem I'm having. Either too much Alpha or too much Beta, and they don't even know why. I have so many friends that are so miserable in their marriages, I'm going to share this book with all my friends. The 7 year itch is a real thing, and now I know why.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Just in case you didn't see the link I'm posting it:

The 180 degree rules


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