# Wife's Sister Cheated with a woman



## billgour (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi. I have a question about how to handle what may be an unusual situation. My sister-in-law has been married to a wonderful man for seven years. She gave birth a few months ago to two wonderful twin boys (she and her husband have an older daughter). Anyway, my sister-in-law told my wife that she cheated with a woman. This was not merely a spontaneous decision; ever since her last pregnancy she had been growing more attracted to woman sexually, while her attraction to men has lessened. My sister in law at first dismissed these feelings as hormones, but they grew stronger after the birth. Anyway, she met a woman at work and cheated. My sister-in-law insists she was not always lesbian, and is baffled how her sexual orientation could just change. She still loves her husband and has sex with him, but she thinks of her lesbian fling when they do it. She asked my wife for help and plans to stay married for the time being without telling her husband. My wife thinks we should tell him, that not doing so is lying. What do you think we should do?
EDIT: Just to be clear, my sister-in-law said she cheated just one time with this woman who no longer works at her company. She is not, as far as my wife knows, currently having an affair. Now maybe the SIL is lying, although my wife does not think so. My SIL insists her sexual orientation is something that has changed from straight to lesbian recently, and wants to know what to do.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Tell the guy what you know, once, and drop it. Stick to facts. Up to him to act on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

she asked your wife for help in hiding her affair. 

I would suggest your wife tell her sister that will not help
Her hide an affair. Also that she needs to tell her husband, 
Or sister may tell her. Give her a timeline, say 30 days.

Have you thought about why your wife asked you opinion?
Maybe to see how you view this kind of betrayal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

talk to the guy before he gets STDS


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

billgour said:


> My wife thinks we should tell him, that not doing so is lying.





MarriedDude said:


> I would suggest your wife tell her sister that will not help
> Her hide an affair. Also that she needs to tell her husband,
> Or sister may tell her. Give her a timeline, say 30 days.


Your wife and MarriedDude are right. You should follow their advice.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Imagine the fallout if the husband finds out and then learns that you and your wife knew and didn't say anything. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

If it's me, I let the guy know and when the $h!t hits the fan with his wife, then she has only herself to blame.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

6301 said:


> Imagine the fallout if the husband finds out and then learns that you and your wife knew and didn't say anything. Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
> 
> If it's me, I let the guy know and when the $h!t hits the fan with his wife, then she has only herself to blame.


Agree....the fallout would nuclear weapons power. Implications for an entire family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

billgour said:


> Hi. I have a question about how to handle what may be an unusual situation. My sister-in-law has been married to a wonderful man for seven years. She gave birth a few months ago to two wonderful twin boys (she and her husband have an older daughter). Anyway, my sister-in-law told my wife that she cheated with a woman. This was not merely a one-time thing; ever since her last pregnancy she had been growing more attracted to woman sexually, while her attraction to men has lessened. My sister in law at first dismissed these feelings as hormones, but they grew stronger after the birth. Anyway, she met a woman at work and cheated. My sister-in-law insists she was not always lesbian, and is baffled how her sexual orientation could just change. She still loves her husband and has sex with him, but she thinks of her lesbian fling when they do it. She asked my wife for help and plans to stay married for the time being without telling her husband. My wife thinks we should tell him, that not doing so is lying. What do you think we should do?


Stay out of it. Not your beer, and not your wife's beer. There is probably sufficient drama under your own roof. Your SIL is your wife's sister? If so, that means she will be a continuous fixture in your life, whereas, her husbands and paramours may come and go. Rat her out and Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be awkward for the next 40 years. If your parents in law are still alive, things will be awkward with them, too. This sounds like couple business and I'd let those two (or three) work it out or not. I'd be cordial to all concerned, play with my nieces and nephews, quietly sip my beer, and stay 100% completely out of their marital and/or bedroom business.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm. It shouldn't escape anyone's attention that this thread essentially boils down to yet another way for OP to discuss cunnilingus.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Change the scenario. Your wife confesses to your sister-in-law that she cheated with a women. And her sexual preference for you is decreasing as she has charity sex with you while thinking about another women. 

Now would you want to know???????


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

AlphaHalf said:


> Change the scenario. Your wife confesses to your sister-in-law that she cheated with a women. And her sexual preference for you is decreasing as she has charity sex with you while thinking about another women.
> 
> Now would you want to know???????


I frequently desire things that are bad for me, so a hypothetical situation in which one naturally desires something does not mean that something would be beneficial in any way.

He has a wife and as far as we know, he's happy with her. He has three kids he gets to enjoy every day. Drop this atom bomb on him and he files for divorce. He has no wife, little contact with his kids, and he probably loses 70% of his income. If this situation is left alone, maybe postpartum wife takes a brief walk on the wild side and returns home to live happily and heteroly ever after. Dude ends up in love for the next 60 years with the mother of his kids, blissfully unaware of what might have transpired between the legs of some other woman. That sounds closer to a "win" to me. If he swaps her in and tries again, he might end up with someone far freakier than she is.


----------



## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I frequently desire things that are bad for me, so a hypothetical situation in which one naturally desires something does not mean that something would be beneficial in any way.
> 
> He has a wife and as far as we know, he's happy with her. He has three kids he gets to enjoy every day. Drop this atom bomb on him and he files for divorce. He has no wife, little contact with his kids, and he probably loses 70% of his income. If this situation is left alone, maybe postpartum wife takes a brief walk on the wild side and returns home to live happily and heteroly ever after. Dude ends up in love for the next 60 years with the mother of his kids, blissfully unaware of what might have transpired between the legs of some other woman. That sounds closer to a "win" to me. If he swaps her in and tries again, he might end up with someone far freakier than she is.


If his "wife" continues this affair it will turn out to be a slow radiation leak that will eventually poison his marriage to a slow death anyways. Then he'll later realize his in-laws knew about all along and watched it happen while leaving him in the dark. 

His "wife" is changing her sexual preference for the same sex. The "ILYBNILWY / needs not being met" speech is right around the corner. But the ACTIONS are happening NOW.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady should tell her sister to phuck off and that infidelity is just as bad as black mail ...so if she wants to continue to confide in your wife it will cost her $150 an hour.

On a more serious note this women should be avoided until her moral compass finds North!

Before you know it this shyt will rub of on your old lady and she'll start screwing around with POS that like married chicks.

Come on folks ...when did lying and cheating and emotional theft become exceptable to be around????


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

billgour, if you and your wife choose not to get involve by telling your sister in law's husband that his wife is cheating with another woman, then consider having you and your wife cut all ties with her and her family. Not to be vindictive but to stop being forced to be her co-conspirators.

Consider also that *many betrayed spouses who forgive their cheating spouse, never forgive the people who knew about it*. If the sh!t hits the fan, you and your wife may find being the ones punished for what your sister in law has done.


----------



## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

tell the husband ....


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He will find out eventually. And he will be hurting. She should be encouraged to tell him the truth. If only to protect him from STDS.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

AlphaHalf said:


> If his "wife" continues this affair it will turn out to be a slow radiation leak that will eventually poison his marriage to a slow death anyways. Then he'll later realize his in-laws knew about all along and watched it happen while leaving him in the dark.
> 
> His "wife" is changing her sexual preference for the same sex. The "ILYBNILWY / needs not being met" speech is right around the corner. But the ACTIONS are happening NOW.


Absent involvement by the OP and his wife, whatever happens with this couple will be their own doing. If the OP and his wife get involved their involvement gets to be partly blamed. If dude's wife is out running around and everybody knows but him, he's not paying attention. We don't know for a fact that anything improper happened. We know somebody told somebody else that something happened. What we know for sure is that none of that is the OP's business.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Absent involvement by the OP and his wife, whatever happens with this couple will be their own doing. If the OP and his wife get involved their involvement gets to be partly blamed. If dude's wife is out running around and everybody knows but him, he's not paying attention. We don't know for a fact that anything improper happened. We know somebody told somebody else that something happened. What we know for sure is that none of that is the OP's business.


OP wrote: " Anyway, my sister-in-law told my wife that she cheated with a woman. This was not merely a one-time thing"

is there ambiguity here? Did OP wife, or the sister in law make this up? For what reason?

I also don't understand where you say "If dude's wife is out running around and everybody knows but him, he's not paying attention."

So let the guy live unaware that his wife is a cheater? It's his own fault he's not aware of his wife's infidellty?

The husband needs to know the score. The SIL asked OP wife for help in keeping the affair quiet. By not telling the husband, they are doing just that, and become complicit in the deception.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

Just wondering what she has in mind in telling your wife. Anyhow, your wife should tell her to do the right thing but I agree with the others, hiding it will complicate your relationship later on. IMHO


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Absent involvement by the OP and his wife, whatever happens with this couple will be their own doing. If the OP and his wife get involved their involvement gets to be partly blamed. If dude's wife is out running around and everybody knows but him, he's not paying attention. We don't know for a fact that anything improper happened. We know somebody told somebody else that something happened. What we know for sure is that none of that is the OP's business.


Blame the BS for not knowing about his WW's affair. 

That's :bsflag:. Infidelity is usually that one of the last things people consider because they can't imagine that the person they trust would do something like that to them. I was paying attention to my XW and yet everyone knew she was cheating on me except me. I finally had to force it out of them and wish SOMEONE had fracking told me. 

There's a saying that all that's needed for evil to prosper is for good men to do nothing. I exposed my best friend's affair to his BW. I'd do it again. This isn't some random stranger, this is his SIL so that makes it his business.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Stay out of it. Not your beer, and not your wife's beer. There is probably sufficient drama under your own roof. Your SIL is your wife's sister? If so, that means she will be a continuous fixture in your life, whereas, her husbands and paramours may come and go. Rat her out and Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be awkward for the next 40 years. If your parents in law are still alive, things will be awkward with them, too. This sounds like couple business and I'd let those two (or three) work it out or not. I'd be cordial to all concerned, play with my nieces and nephews, quietly sip my beer, and stay 100% completely out of their marital and/or bedroom business.


 @Unbelievable: The advice that you gave above is the worst advice on this thread. You make believe that by saying nothing that they would not be choosing sides, when in fact they would be choosing to take the side of the cheater by being part of the cheater's conspiracy of deceit against her husband. As for this attitude that it is none of their business, they stood at the wedding and were asked in the vows to make that marriage their business.

The minute that the sister had a children with the sister's husband, these children tied the sister's husband by family blood to the OP and the husband forever. When the sister's husband learns that they "quietly" sipped there beer as they sat there and said nothing, he will never forgive them.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Awwww, sh*t! This is not an unusual situation. My first LTR girl friend threw me over for a woman. 

It still hurts, 31 years later.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> OP wrote: " Anyway, my sister-in-law told my wife that she cheated with a woman. This was not merely a one-time thing"
> 
> is there ambiguity here? Did OP wife, or the sister in law make this up? For what reason?
> 
> ...


There is no ambiguity in her statement but that doesn't mean there is no deception in it. People have been known to lie, distort, or play all manner of games with the truth. I can clearly tell you I'm Abraham Lincoln. 
If the husband is curious about what his wife is up to he can ask her or he can hire a P.I. or waterboard her or whatever. The OP is under no obligation to function as an unpaid snitch, investigator, or marriage repair technician. Bear in mind that we have no idea what her husband knows or what he's doing behind her back.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

TRy said:


> @Unbelievable: The advice that you gave above is the worst advice on this thread. You make believe that by saying nothing that they would not be choosing sides, when in fact they would be choosing to take the side of the cheater by being part of the cheater's conspiracy of deceit against her husband. As for this attitude that it is none of their business, they stood at the wedding and were asked in the vows to make that marriage their business.
> 
> The minute that the sister had a children with the sister's husband, these children tied the sister's husband by family blood to the OP and the husband forever. When the sister's husband learns that they "quietly" sipped there beer as they sat there and said nothing, he will never forgive them.
> 
> You can't please everyone. I'll mark you down as "unsatisfied".


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

billgour said:


> She asked my wife for help and plans to stay married for the time being without telling her husband.


 The sister just asked your wife to "help" her cake eat as she continues the affair and stays "married for the time being", until she secretly gets her ducks in order behind the husbands back before sticking it to him in a divorce. 



billgour said:


> My wife thinks we should tell him, that not doing so is lying.


 You are a lucky man. Your wife is a decent person that knows right from wrong. You wife is correct, you should tell him. No one forced the sister to tell your wife. The sister was guessing that your wife shared her lack of values when she asked your wife to "help" her in the affair, and the sister guessed wrong. If the sister did not want your wife to act on this information based on who your wife is as a person, then she should not have told her. The sister does not get to determine what values your wife follows with this knowledge, only your wife gets to do that.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There is no ambiguity in her statement but that doesn't mean there is no deception in it. People have been known to lie, distort, or play all manner of games with the truth. I can clearly tell you I'm Abraham Lincoln.
> If the husband is curious about what his wife is up to he can ask her or he can hire a P.I. or waterboard her or whatever. The OP is under no obligation to function as an unpaid snitch, investigator, or marriage repair technician. Bear in mind that we have no idea what her husband knows or what he's doing behind her back.


We can only assume that she is in fact having an affair and what she told the sister is true.

We cannot assume the husband is also doing things behind her back. We can only make assumptions based on the facts as told. If this is all a BS story from the start then any advice is irrelevant anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If your wife was having an A, wouldn't you want someone to let you know?

So tell the H, what is going on, because he deserves to know.

They have young kids, and he does not want to be her second choice, her backup plan.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

billgour said:


> ever since her last pregnancy she had been growing more attracted to woman sexually, while her attraction to men has lessened. My sister in law at first dismissed these feelings as hormones, but they grew stronger after the birth. Anyway, she met a woman at work and cheated. My sister-in-law insists she was not always lesbian, and is baffled how her sexual orientation could just change.


 Most cheaters lie. The do this because they do not want to be viewed in a bad light by their family and friends. They do not want to tell people the truth about their selfishness. I say this because some lesbians hide the fact that they are lesbians because they want to have children of their own prior to publicly pursing a lesbian relationship. Now that she has the children that she wanted, she can take these young children into a lesbian relationship, were she can have the lesbian family lifestyle that she was seeking. The fact that she has a male that will help fund these children and her lifestyle, is a side benifit to such an arrangement.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

The problem here, as Unbelievable pointed out is that the major people involved are sisters. Telling the brother-in-law that his wife is cheating is very likely to rupture the bond between the sisters for life. That's a very serious thing.

Having it come out later that the sister knew may well ruin relations between the sister and her brother in law, but the fact is that someone is going to be badly hurt before this is all over.

Who the SIL is having an affair with isn't important in this context.

So what to do? One thing is to do nothing. The only other thing that makes sense is one or more long talk between the sisters. Questions to be discussed are is the SIL willing to break off the relationship. Did the SIL mean to throw her sister under the bus on this? Does the SIL really want the sister to spill the beans? Or what?

This is not a trivial situation. Almost any action or inaction on the part of the sister is apt to cause a calamity. I have no magical cure for it.


----------



## billgour (Oct 31, 2010)

TRy said:


> Most cheaters lie. The do this because they do not want to be viewed in a bad light by their family and friends. They do not want to tell people the truth about their selfishness. I say this because some lesbians hide the fact that they are lesbians because they want to have children of their own prior to publicly pursing a lesbian relationship. Now that she has the children that she wanted, she can take these young children into a lesbian relationship, were she can have the lesbian family lifestyle that she was seeking. The fact that she has a male that will help fund these children and her lifestyle, is a side benefit to such an arrangement.


My SIL insists she was not hoodwinking her husband all these years. She loves him and does not want lose him or see her children grow up in a broken home. She admits her fling with a female coworker was a mistake. She has felt her orientation change since her last pregnancy and wants to know what to do. Oh, and SIL agrees that she will tell her husband in the next month or two, just as soon as she gets her head around all this mess.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

billgour said:


> My SIL insists she was not hoodwinking her husband all these years. She loves him and does not want lose him or see her children grow up in a broken home. She admits her fling with a female coworker was a mistake. She has felt her orientation change since her last pregnancy and wants to know what to do. Oh, and SIL agrees that she will tell her husband in the *next month or two, just as soon as she gets her head around all this mess*.


A month or two? 



> She still loves her husband and has sex with him, but she thinks of her lesbian fling when they do it.


Well I guess that's two more months of the husband thinking he's done a good job yet alas her mind was thinking of her..

Not to mention if he finds out that y'all knew and didn't tell him.. well...


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

billgour said:


> My wife thinks we should tell him, that not doing so is lying. What do you think we should do?





> SIL agrees that she will tell her husband in the next month or two, just as soon as she gets her head around all this mess.


Sooo? If she's going to tell him, why are you asking for advice "because not doing so is lying" but she's telling him in a month or two so that negates the lying part because she is going to tell..

wait...

A bit confused


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

billgour said:


> She asked my wife for help and plans to stay married for the time being





billgour said:


> She loves him and does not want lose him or see her children grow up in a broken home.


 First you say that she said that she "plans to say married for the time being", indicating that she was not planning to stay married for very long, and now you say that she said that she does not plan to "see her children grow up in a broken home", indicating that she was planning to stay married for a long time. Which is it?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She doesn't want to lose her lover, doesn't want to hurt her children, doesn't want to hurt her husband. Doesn't want to break up her happy family.

Well! The above points don't sit well together and are impossible aspirations.

She needs to be honest with her husband and her children. Sooner, rather than later.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

She wants another month or two to continue her liaisons and get her ducks in a row before her a$$ is thrown to the curb.

if she gave two sh!ts about her kids' well being she'd have kept her legs closed to begin with, don't you agree?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The problem I have with her argument/logic i waiting a couple months is that she has place the burden on the both you....when eventually tells him he might ask who knew and then she will tell him she spoke to you a couple months ago and he will then turn part of his anger towards the both of you for knowing and not telling him....be forewarn


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Xenote said:


> The problem I have with her argument/logic i waiting a couple months is that she has place the burden on the both you....when eventually tells him he might ask who knew and then she will tell him she spoke to you a couple months ago and he will then turn part of his anger towards the both of you for knowing and not telling him....be forewarn


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
And while he would probably make an effort to try to forgive his wife for her betrayal, he would probably not be as forgiving with the two of you for in his eyes being enablers.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

TRy said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> And while he would probably make an effort to try to forgive his wife for her betrayal, he would probably not be as forgiving with the two of you for in his eyes being enablers.


Nope. If that husband came here looking for advice on reconciliation with his wife, he would be advised to cut out any toxic friends and family who covered up the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Nope. If that husband came here looking for advice on reconciliation with his wife, he would be advised to cut out any toxic friends and family who covered up the affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or ditherers like her sister who can't make up their minds what to do?


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

And you believe her that she will tell him?


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> And you believe her that she will tell him?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Actually, when you think about it, the cheating sister is just saying that she will eventually tell the husband because she could hear her sister's negative reaction to the affair, and wanted to give the sister an excuse not to tell the husband. Odds are the initial months delay will be dragged out forever, as it will never be the right time. Eventually the Op and the OP's wife will so caught up in the conspiracy of covering up the affair, that it will be difficult for them ever to tell the husband.


----------



## billgour (Oct 31, 2010)

OK everyone, my wife talked again to her sister and tried to clear things up. My wife told her sister that covering up her adultery was unacceptable, and that she had to tell her husband the whole truth pronto. The SIL decided to stop dithering and told her husband about the cheating and her newfound lesbian urges. He is in shock more than anything. They both agreed to to stay married and go to counseling. The SIL may be sugarcoating things to my wife, but SIL's husband is not the jealous or angry type.
Anyway, I have noticed people on this board seem to be bypassing my main point, which was not really about covering up an affair. My SIL has never felt lesbian before; she has slept with several men before her husband and enjoyed sex after she got married. Recently her sexual orientation has seemingly changed to lesbian. Has anyone else heard of this before? What advice can my SIL give?


----------



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Google "women's sexual orientation tends to be".


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No drunken experimentation back in college/ her youth? Sometimes people are bisexual and suppress those urges, and sometimes those urges reemerge many years later.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

billgour said:


> They both agreed to to stay married and go to counseling. The SIL may be sugarcoating things to my wife, but SIL's husband is not the jealous or angry type.


 Bisexuals often tell their spouses that cheating with the same sex is less a violation of their vows then cheating with the opposite sex, and sell this line of bull on their surprised betrayed spouses that want to believe. This is pure rationalization, as cheating is cheating no matter the gender. Hopefully her husband will figure this out soon once he has a chance to digest her betrayal.



billgour said:


> My SIL has never felt lesbian before; she has slept with several men before her husband and enjoyed sex after she got married. Recently her sexual orientation has seemingly changed to lesbian. Has anyone else heard of this before? What advice can my SIL give?


 She has always been bisexual but may have not know it before she met her lover.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> Bisexuals often tell their spouses that cheating with the same sex is less a violation of their vows then cheating with the opposite sex, and sell this line of bull on their surprised betrayed spouses that want to believe. This is pure rationalization, as cheating is cheating no matter the gender. Hopefully her husband will figure this out soon once he has a chance to digest her betrayal.
> 
> She has always been bisexual but may have not know it before she met her lover.


Yep. I can attest that having a lover leave you for a member of their same sex is a very humiliating experience.

I was in my early 20s when it happened to me. I didn't date for several years, not until a concerned married couple set me up on a blind date with a woman who was an utter foxy babe and as mad as a box of frogs. It didn't last long but freed me of the depression the same sex cheating caused me.


----------

