# Family Loss



## EyesWideOpen101

So how did I end up on this thread? I will hit very little on that for now…. I had a really rough few months, the death of my brother TM wasn’t far off in the rearview mirror and family and financial issues were pressing in on me. Chuck71 was there through it all and didn’t miss a beat, our relationship wasn’t in despair, other than small disagreements we never fought. In the midst of my grief and everything else I thought it was best for him for me to call it off. I then found myself finding his thread to do no other than invade his privacy. NO EXCUSES for it…..I was wrong!!!! He didn’t do anything to deserve what I did. Chuck even noticed my depression and mentioned several times that I come here for to help with all I was going through… I dismissed those at first bc even though I felt 100 percent comfortable talking to him I wasn’t thrilled with the idea of putting it all here… I trust him so its easy but this is new territory for me….. He had my best interest at heart and I couldn’t see that at the time……But here I am ready to begin a journey of healing….. As for our relationship, that is not the topic here and is between us. 

A little family background first…. I come from a large family one of 6 kids my family is not close or supportive at all. I am the youngest of all the siblings. My parents have never communicated and have a very unhealthy relationship married and stayed together for all the wrong reason. Now almost 50 years in and both are still miserable. My dad is very closed off and shut down long before I was born I believe one of the biggest reasons for this is 10 years before I was born he lost his youngest of three kids with his first wife. In his twenties he buried my brother and he was a year and two weeks old. Fast forward to May of 2013 my sister RR is also from his first W passed from a drug over dose. Both passed suddenly. My late husband passed in 2015 we separated in 2011 his death proceeded my filing for divorce. He passed from natural causes in a different state. In 2016 my oldest brother was diagnosed with bladder cancer dating back to the first Gulf War. He went through treatment and was cancer free. 

4 months later he found out it had spread to his liver, pancreas, spine, ribs and brain. He was given up to a year treated. TM had distanced himself from the family for a number of years mostly due to his childhood upbringing with his bio mom, my dad and my mom who was the one who raised him. The age difference between TM and I is 14 years. He married when I was 4 and went into the service right after. He served 21 and a half years and retired in 2005 moving back home and even then we had occasional cookouts and holidays together but other than that, we didn’t see much of him. Even though after we found out that TM had terminal cancer he still kept his distance and wouldn’t let us in too much. In Aug of 2017 the cancer paralyzed him from the waist down. He had surgery and went to a rehab center and that is where TM slowly started to let me and other family members in to his life. It was difficult bc of my brothers can-do attitude and denial of the cancer being terminal bc in his mind he was going to beat it. That could also stem from his military background. After being in the rehab center for 3 weeks he gained mobility and was walking with a walker. By this time he was wanting to close us off again. 
He had a discharge date to go home and one day before that happened another spot on his spine pressed again and he was paralyzed and once more from the waist down. He was rushed to surgery and sadly never regained mobility. From September to December he never gave up trying and was still at the rehab facility doing PT and OT everyday. It was after the last spine surgery he started letting us in again. I was one of his caregivers and spent a lot of nights with him… he was scared and didn’t want to be alone at night. During those precious times is when we had many heart to heart talks sometimes all night. Because of this our relationship grew overnight. One of the toughest things for me was never having time to process our talks because my surviving sister and I were the only ones staying at night. I didn’t have time to process I knew the out come wasn’t good and that he wasn’t going to win this battle. My brother never accepted this so I would then have to go in his room and cheer him on all while I knew different however sometimes I would go into denial with him bc of his positivity and I wanted it to be different. I WANTED HIM TO LIVE!!!! So here I am given this relationship that I longed for so long to only know that in a short time he would be taken from me. He knew he was losing the battle internally but always for the most part kept the bravest face. He would say how much he wanted Thanksgiving and Christmas. He really looked forward to just enjoying the lights. I was confident in having Thanksgiving but somehow I knew deep down Christmas wasn’t going to happen. I was right he passed in Dec of this last year… actually two months ago today.
As I have written you can see I am not a stranger to loss in the past after my sister and late husband passed. I went through grief therapy then. I have dealt with those and not saying it wasn’t as hard as this one but it was different. It is another level watching someone you love slowly wither away and I was there when he took his last breath and even though he was my big brother the roles were reversed at the end. I took care of him and made sure he had everything he needed. I am going to make arrangement to also go through more grief therapy in the near future.


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## Blondilocks

I'm so sorry for your pain. You've suffered a lot of losses for one so young. 

When my husband passed on, there were times I didn't want to talk to anyone - just wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. My cousin told me to do just that. You have to have time to grieve before you can give of yourself to others. Yes, people want to help you through this; but dealing with others takes energy you just don't have at times. And, that's ok.

Grief therapy is very helpful. Take life one day at a time. It will get easier.


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## Satya

@EyesWideOpen101, I actually agree that your privacy was violated, but I didn't want to barge in on Chuck's thread. I have respect for him as a poster. 

When something is shared without your consent, and it's so personal and deep reaching, I'd consider it a breach of privacy. I have told my husband that if puts anything on FB I haven't agreed to, he's in for a world of hell (I don't use any social media). My privacy is important to me, and I share here only what I want to or think will help others. 

At the least he should have explained to you that he desired to discuss your matters in his thread. What he shares about himself is his choice. Sure, spouses talk about each other here all the time, not necessarily with consent, but it's more of a protocol thing under the circumstances. Your loss was very devistating to you. A bunch of internet strangers don't need to know unless you want them to. 

The things I post about my husband here (Odo, who is a banned poster) I usually show him or tell him before I'm going to post. 

However, I don't think Chuck's intent was at all malicious, rather it was to give context to what he was going through in the relationship. What he was seeing happen before his eyes.

I'm very sorry for your tragic loss and definitely keep up the therapy, work on yourself, and heal. It's perfectly fine to wish to end relationships when you have a lot on your shoulders. We should always strive to be our best, mentally and physically. Sometimes we just know when we have to work on ourselves. It's nothing personal, we just want and sometimes need to be alone.


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## farsidejunky

I'm sorry for your loss(es).

When life takes these sort of twists and turns, one could suggest any number of empty, cliched statements...

When you're going through Hell, keep going...

It's not about what happens to you, but what you do about what happens to you...

With the amount of grief you are dealing with at the moment, the only thing that will get you through it is time. 

One other thing that I think you should keep in mind is a little bit of perspective. Rather than viewing the brief amount of time you had to connect with your brother as not enough, maybe try to look at it as a blessing that you were able to connect with him in that way to begin with. It is likely cold comfort at this point, but try to control your internal dialogue by reminding yourself such.

One minute, one hour, one day, one step at a time.

Prayers for you.


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## Tron

I am so sorry. You and your family have really suffered a inconceivable amount of loss. Very tough for anyone to go through. 

There really aren't any words I could think of that would bring comfort to you, except maybe that I'm praying for you and for your family.

I realize that you are the baby of the family, but is there anything that you can think of that you might be able to accomplish regarding the apparent lack of communication between all of you? It all seems so bizarre. This might have been the way your parents operated, the legacy they left, but it doesn't have to be the way the rest of you carry on going forward. 

I would think that as a group, you guys would have so much support to offer each other.


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## EyesWideOpen101

First and foremost I want to apologize for my reaction the other day. I didn't believe that you and farside were the same person as Chuck..... that was just me being a jerk point blank..... I can completely see why you would think that it is bizarre family dynamics I certainly do. I also think that we could act differently and pull together but one can't change it.... we all play a role to a degree so I will never say I'm perfect in any of it bc I'm certainly not. I will now give a quick overview of my family. My parents married after each of them were both previously married prior.... my dad had 2 remaining children while my mom didn't think she could have children since being married to her first husband for 7 years without having a child.... my dad was raising my 2 siblings on his own before he and my mom got together. So when my parents got together some of it from my point of view was out of convince bc my dad was wanting someone stable to help raise his kids... and my mom longed to have a family with children. My parents have never communicated even back then. During the first 10 years it was out my dad had at least 2 affairs and my mom rug swept and every since then she has been bitter and also formed unhealthy relationships with her kids. The two older siblings her step kids probably received the full force of it bc it was raw and fresh so she took her frustration out on them and bc my parents never dealt with it going forward my mom put all of her focus on us 3 younger kids and didn't have a life outside. She was a stay at home mom and when I was little she quit driving. Her relationship with me for instance was very codependent. She babied me and I thought there was no love greater than what she gave. Meanwhile she belittled my dad to me she created fear of him to all of us. She actually has a victim mentality and when you go to her for anything she will always bring it back to her. My dad was closed off since I can remember he worked all day and after coming home he was in his own world never spending time with his kids. with my dad if you don't have the same mindset as him or he doesn't agree with you he will go into silent treatment. at a very early age I had to take on responsibilities that were not mine to bear. Such as taking my mom to the grocery store, doctor appointments or shopping.... also my surviving brother even though four years older than me was an addict I had to pick him up from jail, rehab centers court appearance etc..... I'm sure that plays a role in my brothers and I relationship but not all. He sobered up about 12 years ago but now is very judgmental he's a lot like my dad.... My only surviving sister is the oldest of us left. She was very independent early on in life and made sure to marry and get out of the house... she escaped but not fully. no one escapes a conversation without bashing one another. My parents talk about each other to us kids and they also talk about one kid to the other and I'm not talking about encouraging. So you can't have a conversation without it turning into a bytch fest about another. It is an unfortunate cycle that has happened since I can remember. I have learned to distance myself from them bc it is a negative environment and no one communicates nor can they agree to disagree. I was a lot like my mom when I was younger bc she dug her claws in me at an early age I was the baby and if she felt no one liked her then I was told they didn't care for me either this was done about my dad and deceased brother. So any relationship with them were broken at an early age. At this point it stems from my parents and their toxicity has trickled all the way down. I have worked on a lot of this in therapy in the past to ensure not carrying it with me to everyone in my life. I won't deny after my brothers death that it hasn't opened up old or created new wounds. I will go back and deal with it as to not go backwards and continue to carry it with me.


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## Ms. GP

I certainly relate to a lot of your experiences. I too have an angry, resentful mother with bad boundaries. Nothing is, nor will it ever be, her fault. (Eye roll) Parents that hate each other but stay married. 

I also have 3 brothers. They are good people and I genuinely like them and their spouses. I wish we were closer too. But I've had to accept over the years that's probably not going to happen. We are all in different stages of processing. I have one brother that's in full on denial, and I can't rush their experiences. I think shared history is probably what bonds a lot of normal siblings, but what do you do when that shared history sucks? It's like there's this mountain of **** between us, and I honestly don't know how to overcome it. 

I think it's great that you were able to be there for your brother even if the time was short-lived. It's like the line from Steel Magnolias. "I'd rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." I'm sorry you're walking through this, and I can't imagine the pain.


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## Tron

Ugh!

I can't say much good about your folks. I mean noone expects to have perfect parents, but they sound really awful.


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## farsidejunky

How specifically do you see your FOO impacting you now?

Do you recognize your triggers?

I know this thread is about you and not Chuck, but I always find it interesting when people push those close to them away in times of stress or anguish.

Can you give some insight into it?


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## Tron

Just re-read your first post. All I can say is WOW!

In summary, this is what you learned from your FOO:

- How to be unfaithful.
- How to rugsweep.
- How to be resentful.
- How to allow your resentment to impact your personality to the extent that you think its ok to take it out on defenseless children.
- How to be co-dependent.
- How to force your kids to grow up too fast.
- How to be sarcastic and mean.
- How to be manipulative.
- How to pit one sibling against another or against the other parent.
- How to be a victim.
- How to be judgmental.
- How to be argumentative.
- How to be passive aggressive.
- How to emotionally wall off others. 
- How to mentally abuse your spouse and your kids (because let’s face it, that is what the silent treatment really is).

It is no wonder your brother became an addict. He is to be commended for being able to clean himself up.

I'd say "TOXIC" is a pretty good summary for your parents. Cutting them out of your life to the extent you can would be a good start. As for your remaining siblings, some group therapy might help because you guys have been through the wringer. If you could clean up those relationships, you'd have a great emotional support group.


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## Tron

farsidejunky said:


> I know this thread is about you and not Chuck, but I always find it interesting when people push those close to them away in times of stress or anguish.
> 
> Can you give some insight into it?


I think when you take a good hard look at what the OP got from the people who were supposed to be there for her most and under any circumstances (i.e. her parents) I think it is pretty clear why.

The thing is, EWO, it isn't supposed to be that way. 

How do you rewire yourself to be in loving and supportive relationship? Hmm?


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## Blondilocks

@EyesWideOpen101, I hope you're feeling a little more settled.


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## EyesWideOpen101

I count every second spent with him as a blessing and know that if things didn't go this way I probably would not have had the opportunity I received. Sometimes I waffle on that because what I would give to have him still here.... but that is normal and time and healing will help with that. I knew years ago it would take something sitting him down for this to happen... he was a runner so to speak his vice was being a workaholic.... as long as he didn't have to sit he could continue to push away instead of dealing. I know I was given a gift and cherish that now my heart and head have to come together. He taught me so much in that short time. And yes one second,minute and day at a time. Thank you for the reminder it's easy to lose sight of that!


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## EyesWideOpen101

Thank you Ms. GP for sharing a little of your story it is always good to have someone who understands a little of what you are going through. I will always leave the door open to my family but only if communication takes place and it is constructive otherwise it will only cause more damage in the end. I really loved to quote you used I will carry that with me and have it on repeat for awhile. Thank you again!


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## EyesWideOpen101

farsidejunky said:


> How specifically do you see your FOO impacting you now?
> 
> Do you recognize your triggers?
> 
> I know this thread is about you and not Chuck, but I always find it interesting when people push those close to them away in times of stress or anguish.
> 
> Can you give some insight into it?


I definitely learned a lot of what not to do from my family. A few years before my separation from my late husband I woke up literally in shock when I realized the lies ,twist and turns that went on in my family. After my serperation I went to therapy I recognized that if I didn't want what was given to me then I had to work on it as to not land in the same cycle. I have triggers such as isolating, shutting down, going off feelings etc.... I have went years being able to recognize them and turn the other way.... This time it took a couple weeks I know some of the reasons why it did.... When my brother and I had conversations and I mean deep ones about how he was treated growing up it brought up a lot of old and new wounds for me... also not being able to process those and living as a caregiver for almost 4 months it took a toll. No excuse for my actions by any means. I look at any situation as a learning opportunity and carry that forward. I also knew that one thing that broke the camels back in Chucks marriage was grief and instead of communicating that with him I didn't want to hurt him in the same way. I was so wrong to not let him in on that but my head was stuck so far up my arse... One strength that I have is being quick to admit wrong and not manipulating to get it to go my way when I do. My actions have consequences but I always want to learn from them. In the year we have been together he had seen me at my best and my absolute worst I could turn to him with anything... in my twisted head all I could see is that he was reliving the same nightmare from his marriage. I WAS WRONG! Now I'm taking steps to further the therapy and communicating even when it hurts. I long ago have put a wedge between my family and I I've learned some boundaries that I can not allow them to cross. I know that you do I do not have to be a product of my past. My identity is not how I was raised instead it's what I make it. is it a struggle.... of course but all things worth while are.


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## EyesWideOpen101

Blondilocks said:


> @EyesWideOpen101, I hope you're feeling a little more settled.


I definitely am.... A road in front of me for sure but I am taking it one moment at a time. Thank you!


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## EyesWideOpen101

Tron said:


> Just re-read your first post. All I can say is WOW!
> 
> In summary, this is what you learned from your FOO:
> 
> - How to be unfaithful.
> - How to rugsweep.
> - How to be resentful.
> - How to allow your resentment to impact your personality to the extent that you think its ok to take it out on defenseless children.
> - How to be co-dependent.
> - How to force your kids to grow up too fast.
> - How to be sarcastic and mean.
> - How to be manipulative.
> - How to pit one sibling against another or against the other parent.
> - How to be a victim.
> - How to be judgmental.
> - How to be argumentative.
> - How to be passive aggressive.
> - How to emotionally wall off others.
> - How to mentally abuse your spouse and your kids (because let’s face it, that is what the silent treatment really is).
> 
> It is no wonder your brother became an addict. He is to be commended for being able to clean himself up.
> 
> I'd say "TOXIC" is a pretty good summary for your parents. Cutting them out of your life to the extent you can would be a good start. As for your remaining siblings, some group therapy might help because you guys have been through the wringer. If you could clean up those relationships, you'd have a great emotional support group.


I would welcome therapy with my 2 remaining siblings but realistically that probably will never happen. Right now I have to continue setting boundaries and work on me. That door will always stay open and I will always long for a relationship with them. Having experienced so much loss I know that time is precious and it slips you by.... but I also know that love under conditions and stipulations are very unhealthy and toxic... I've worked to hard to go back now.... one of the hardest things to do was pretend around my brother that passed that everything was ok with my family bc he definitely didn't need to know otherwise he had to focus on the individual relationships with us.... We pulled together for the most part but even in the background it was brutal. I got sick 3 times during his hospital/rehab stay and bc of his immune system being down I couldn't stay some nights.... so that fell on my sister and it was taken out on me... the last time I had pneumonia It was caught early a few days before thanksgiving Bc I knew it was his last one and I was feeling ok nothing was going to stop me from being there. After getting home I felt like a mac truck hit me but because I was there to eat dinner and wasn't able to stay that night my sister was so angry she sent a text saying she never wanted to see me again that she was done with me..... I was already at a low knowing I'd never have another holiday with my brother and he was on his death bed and now my sister didn't want to see me ever again.... that was like a death within itself. And of course I've had to hear how she stayed more nights with him as if I'm supposed to give an award to her.... the thing is she got more time I count her as the lucky one bc I'm the one who lost precious nights that I can't get back. No I don't feel guilty bc it was out of my control and I quickly let her know that. She tried to make me feel guilty for showing up on thanksgiving pretty pathetic and terrible if you ask me. I was there when I could be I have no regrets...... My brother was married for 34 years one may ask where was she???? Well she was there daily for a few hours in the evening she had her schedule set..... spent one night the whole almost 4 months he was paralyzed.... After one night I stayed with him at hospice I believe his 3rd night there the doctor told me we only had a couple days left and that he could even go later that day.... I had to relay that to my SIL and there son had a football game that night so she came in stayed 30 minutes said her goodbyes and left us there and went to the game not knowing if he would make it by the time she got back.... the game was 3 hours away. But I am looking to the good instead of focusing on the bad.... that is just more time I had with him like I said I was there and have no regrets.


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## Tron

We all have our life to live and our path to travel. That goes for your sister, your SIL and your nephew.

Focus on yours and let them deal with theirs. There isn't a single thing you can do about them anyway.

If you are satisfied with the time you spent with him and how you helped your brother live his final months, that is what matters.

Don't you think?


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## farsidejunky

You can't let what others do or fail to do to define your own happiness. 

I know from experience this is anything but easy.


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## Affaircare

@EyesWideOpen101, 

You've had a LOT to deal with, and maybe it's been messy and a struggle, but you are doing the best you can with what you know to do. Other people may not be where you are--in fact they're probably not. Since we're all different and growing differently, that's why we grieve differently. You demonstrated your love by physically being present that night--your SIL may have wanted to remember him as he was when he was healthy, or maybe she had some peace that it was time for him to pass...or maybe she was just avoiding it! We don't know for sure do we, because we're not in her head  But you are in your head, so you can look at your own self and how you acted and what you did, and you get to decide if you are satisfied or not. I know there's nothing you could have done to change the outcome: we are all appointed to die. Further, I know that you chose to act out of love for him after there had been a tough past. 

I think it's okay to be okay with yourself, and you know what? Let your SIL deal with herself. She's hurting and doing the best she can too, and it may be messy for her too.

Do you remember this post?


farsidejunky said:


> How specifically do you see your FOO impacting you now?
> 
> Do you recognize your triggers?
> 
> I know this thread is about you and not Chuck, but I always find it interesting when people push those close to them away in times of stress or anguish.
> 
> Can you give some insight into it?


I think it's fairly important for you to think about this and take a stab at answering if you have some thoughts, and here's why: I've been in your shoes a little, and the answers to these questions help me cope and be more healthy today. 

To summarize my "story" my dad was/is an untreated alcoholic (he periodically dries out and get religious), and my mom is mentally ill and denies it completely. She beat me from the time I was very young all through high school. I'm the oldest so I got it the worst, my sister was 1.5 years younger also got beat...and my baby sister was 9 years younger so she didn't. FOO dynamics were harmful at best in every way, except that oddly enough I do have good memories with my sisters. I went to college, met an abusive guy, got married, and for 15 years he never hit me so I had no clue it was abuse. And then I began IC, and I caught him cheating red-handed, and scales fell off my eyes as I learned.

If you can contemplate how your FOO is impacting you now, you may be able to be aware "as it's happening" that it's a FOO knee-jerk reaction and not a reaction to the present. 

If you can contemplate what your triggers are now, you may be able to be aware "Oh this is just a trigger" and re-orient to the present rather than reacting to the past. 

If you can contemplate why you push away people who love you, just when you need them the most, you may be able to be aware that you're recreating the dynamic of being "unloved" in your FOO...and break that pattern!

What do you think? Can you see some of these things?


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## EyesWideOpen101

Affaircare said:


> @EyesWideOpen101,
> 
> You've had a LOT to deal with, and maybe it's been messy and a struggle, but you are doing the best you can with what you know to do. Other people may not be where you are--in fact they're probably not. Since we're all different and growing differently, that's why we grieve differently. You demonstrated your love by physically being present that night--your SIL may have wanted to remember him as he was when he was healthy, or maybe she had some peace that it was time for him to pass...or maybe she was just avoiding it! We don't know for sure do we, because we're not in her head  But you are in your head, so you can look at your own self and how you acted and what you did, and you get to decide if you are satisfied or not. I know there's nothing you could have done to change the outcome: we are all appointed to die. Further, I know that you chose to act out of love for him after there had been a tough past.
> 
> I think it's okay to be okay with yourself, and you know what? Let your SIL deal with herself. She's hurting and doing the best she can too, and it may be messy for her too.
> 
> Do you remember this post?
> 
> 
> I think it's fairly important for you to think about this and take a stab at answering if you have some thoughts, and here's why: I've been in your shoes a little, and the answers to these questions help me cope and be more healthy today.
> 
> To summarize my "story" my dad was/is an untreated alcoholic (he periodically dries out and get religious), and my mom is mentally ill and denies it completely. She beat me from the time I was very young all through high school. I'm the oldest so I got it the worst, my sister was 1.5 years younger also got beat...and my baby sister was 9 years younger so she didn't. FOO dynamics were harmful at best in every way, except that oddly enough I do have good memories with my sisters. I went to college, met an abusive guy, got married, and for 15 years he never hit me so I had no clue it was abuse. And then I began IC, and I caught him cheating red-handed, and scales fell off my eyes as I learned.
> 
> If you can contemplate how your FOO is impacting you now, you may be able to be aware "as it's happening" that it's a FOO knee-jerk reaction and not a reaction to the present.
> 
> If you can contemplate what your triggers are now, you may be able to be aware "Oh this is just a trigger" and re-orient to the present rather than reacting to the past.
> 
> If you can contemplate why you push away people who love you, just when you need them the most, you may be able to be aware that you're recreating the dynamic of being "unloved" in your FOO...and break that pattern!
> 
> What do you think? Can you see some of these things?


Thank you for sharing a bit of your story I appreciate that... I will take a few days to really ponder the questions and search inward..... I can answer a quick one in the past it has been easier for me to avoid when tough situations arise... I know after each death not dealing with or if I visit the grave to soon then maybe I can think it didn't really happen or avoid the hurt. I've realized that only recently I started doing that with my brother and I went to visit his grave today I wanted so badly to run or turn around but I knew it was best for me to go... I was right I hit it head on faced the fear and just talked to him as if he were here. A tad bit of healing in that today. I look forward to answering those questions sometimes it's easier for others to see from the outside looking in.... I welcome any and all feedback I like the truth and want to continue to heal I'm honest with others and expect the same in return 😊


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## EyesWideOpen101

Tron said:


> We all have our life to live and our path to travel. That goes for your sister, your SIL and your nephew.
> 
> Focus on yours and let them deal with theirs. There isn't a single thing you can do about them anyway.
> 
> If you are satisfied with the time you spent with him and how you helped your brother live his final months, that is what matters.
> 
> Don't you think?


You are absolutely right.... I have some forgiveness that needs to be done so I can move forward for myself. I've known this for sometime now.... one thing at a time I wish it could all be done at once but in a way if that were to happen I don't think I could handle or learn as much. No one can nor should you expect someone to be responsible for happiness... that's all on me I guess one area I can see that needs work is the expectations I hold for my family need to be let go as well. Not just for them but myself also bc that ties into what you were saying so it does make sense. I will take some time to really focus on the core issues.... I start the grief class this coming Monday and look forward to dealing with the grief.


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## Affaircare

EyesWideOpen101 said:


> Thank you for sharing a bit of your story I appreciate that...


You're welcome. We're kind of sisters in this, and it seems reasonable to me to let you know that I get what you're going through. In addition, my Dear Hubby just died this past September after a five year battle with heart failure. So I'm right there with ya! 



> I will take a few days to really ponder the questions and search inward.....


Thanks!



> I can answer a quick one in the past it has been easier for me to avoid when tough situations arise... I know after each death not dealing with or if I visit the grave to soon then maybe I can think it didn't really happen or avoid the hurt. I've realized that only recently I started doing that with my brother and I went to visit his grave today I wanted so badly to run or turn around but I knew it was best for me to go... I was right I hit it head on faced the fear and just talked to him as if he were here. A tad bit of healing in that today.


Yeah I have to confess that my initial reaction is often to avoid too, or at least in the split second I feel the temptation to do that. Here's the thing: in the end nothing gets fixed, it's just put off and continues longer. I'm proud of you for going to visit the grave--it feels so final at a grave, doesn't it? Still I think it's a good thing to accept how final it really is, because here's the truth--he's no longer here and isn't coming back. I bet talking to him helped. I write my Dear Hubby letters as a journal. 



> I look forward to answering those questions sometimes it's easier for others to see from the outside looking in.... I welcome any and all feedback I like the truth and want to continue to heal I'm honest with others and expect the same in return 😊


I look forward to hearing what you think. I agree with you--I'm honest with others and expect the same in return, so just bear this in mind--if it's honest I'll tell you to your face because I respect you too much to pull punches or use euphamisms. I'll call it like I see and you may not like it always, but my "job" isn't to get you to like me--it's to help you. 

I think this may be a good thing!


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## Tron

How are you doing EWO?


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