# Confused and hurt



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

My husband and I are just recently married, and were expecting soon as well. Our sex life used to be very frequent, and I understand why its slowed down, with my growing belly its hard to get into comfortable positions, and while I still want to he doesn't at all. He says he's tired, doesn't want to hurt me/the baby, thinks sex is going to put me into labour etc. I know he still has an active sex drive because he looks at porn... every night... Is this an addiction that is turning him off of the real thing? I know that I'm not "sexy", I don't have the body of the porn women that he watches, but he doesn't even let me touch him or give him oral sex anymore. And he never refused that. I can barely get any affection from him, a quick hug or a light peck kiss is all. He always is the one to push away letting me know he's done. He tells me he loves me, and I mostly believe him, but if we argue and I ask if he does he says he's not sure. Am I being naïve?


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

This problem started when u got pregnant?


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

Not as soon as I got pregnant. It's sort of recent. Within the past few months.


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So he refuses all sex? Did you guys talk about this?


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

He has some misinformation in his head. Maybe take him along on the next doctor visit and ask the doc if sex is ok with him in the room. 

Pregnant women are not unsexy


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

All sex...I tried to initiate oral for the past few days and he won't let me touch him.


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

I definitely feel very unattractive, not sexy at all. I asked him if I could touch him and he said no, he just wants to watch TV. But he looks at porn at night. I just want him to want me...


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Your pregnancy should not be making him refuse oral sex. Something is really bothering him I think


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

I don't know how to talk to him about this. When I try to talk about sex and how I'm feeling he gets angry and defensive and it makes me feel like maybe I'm expecting too much from our relationship.


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Expecting too much? What? Too much sex?


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

I don't know...too much sex? Too much affection?... I feel lost...


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Any family that can help?


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

I've never been close with my family, and his lives in a different country, and doesn't speak English. I mean he clearly has desire because he looks at porn so often.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FeelingRejected said:


> ....He says he's tired, *doesn't want to hurt me/the baby, thinks sex is going to put me into labour etc.* I know he still has an active sex drive because he looks at porn... every night... Is this an addiction that is turning him off of the real thing? *I know that I'm not "sexy"*, I don't have the body of the porn women that he watches, but *he doesn't even let me touch him or give him oral sex anymore. And he never refused that. *I can barely get any affection from him, a quick hug or a light peck kiss is all. He always is the one to push away letting me know he's done. He tells me he loves me, and I mostly believe him, but if we argue and I ask if he does he says he's not sure. *Am I being naïve?*


The key phrases that jumped out at me are "hurt the baby, induce labor." In reality when you go to the hospital for delivery they will likely give you Oxytocine to help induce labor. Oxytocine levels can increase in a woman during sex and breast feeding. A very crude ethnic joke/old-wives tale called "Italian induced labor." Urban Dictionary: Italian Induction

Also I would suggest that you read up on the rather typical male Madonna-Whor# complex.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93*****_complex (sorry the censors will not allow the actual web URL without editing it. You will have to do a Google search yourself. 

The point is that your husband is freaking out about you being pregnant. I have two suggestions. First, talk to him, but I doubt that will solve anything, but at least you can ask him about his fear of causing you to go into labor and if he has a Madonna/***** complex when he is with you. Second, take him with you to your OB doctor so he can ask your doctor if sex will hurt the baby in any way and if sex will induce labor.

You really need to get this worked out prior to your child being born.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

FeelingRejected said:


> I definitely feel very unattractive, not sexy at all. I asked him if I could touch him and he said no, he just wants to watch TV. But he looks at porn at night. I just want him to want me...


Start with the doctor visit, of course with these inaccurate thoughts he's turning himself off. The other thing is was this planned? He could be scared as hell with the impending, at least for a little while, sole breadwinner role coming up. 

I can't tell you what your hubby is thinking, he has to do that. I can tell you that when my wife was pregnant, even though it was unexpected at the time and if I had had a choice I would have certainly put the whole thing off for a few years, I thought the whole body change thing was cool as hell. I don't even think 'sexiness' had anything to do with it, not a particular turn on but definately NOT a turnoff. 

Talk to him sweety, if that fails have his dad or some other male friend b1tch slap him upside the head and tell him to man up


----------



## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Yeah, sex won't induce labor in a healthy pregnancy until you're full term and then it MIGHT help get the ball rolling a day or two sooner. He might be freaked out about hurting the baby and afraid to do anything sexual at all because he's afraid to be aroused around you.

I've been pregnant three times and plan to have one more. It's funny but I feel most beautiful when pregnant. I'm actually looking forward to doing it again in a year or two. You're round and the most womanly you'll ever be in your life. I think most men find pregnant women beautiful. 

I'm sorry you feel so ugly. I always feel very clingy when pregnant as well and the lack of physical affection must make you feel lonely. Hang in there! 

I agree that you should have your husband go with you to the doctor. How does he respond if you touch him in nonsexual but affectionate ways? Is he treating you okay otherwise and being supportive or has his behavior changed in other ways as well?


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

There is one small pamphlet at the doctors office that talks about sex during pregnancy, it doesn't give a lot of information, but I have been reading tons of things to him from the internet trying to ease his mind but nothing works. As for the pregnancy itself, it wasn't planned, but he's been really happy and supportive about it. About having sex, my drive is increased, more than it has been, I have always loved being with him, and want to have intimacy before there is a baby and we don't have time.


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

It's not just about sex though, like I said before, he doesn't like hugging or kissing me either. It makes me feel unwanted. He tells me he's happy and that he loves me, and I do believe him most times, but when he pushes me away and says he doesn't know if he loves me when we fight it makes me doubt why we're together. I don't want to leave him. That's not the plan at all, because I want to make this relationship work out, I just want us to be able to talk about these issues without him shutting down.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FeelingRejected said:


> It's not just about sex though, like I said before, he doesn't like hugging or kissing me either. It makes me feel unwanted. He tells me he's happy and that he loves me, and I do believe him most times, but when he pushes me away and says he doesn't know if he loves me when we fight it makes me doubt why we're together. I don't want to leave him. That's not the plan at all, because I want to make this relationship work out, I just want us to be able to talk about these issues without him shutting down.


How far along are you in your pregnancy?

He says that he is happy. Have you told him very clearly that you are not happy and why?


----------



## FeelingRejected (Jan 13, 2016)

The thing with talking to him about our relationship is that he gets mad about it and says that maybe I should find someone else, a sex friend. I tell him over and over that I don't want anyone else, that I married him because he's who I want for the rest of my life. I'm almost at the end of my pregnancy, so doing a lot of what we used to do is really difficult.


----------



## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP, 

I don' t know if this helps, but I struggled somewhat with my husband and sex during pregnancy. We had sex, but I felt like I was initiating all the time. It was frustrating as you said, because of course my drive was higher when I was pregnant. He didn't turn me down though...I just got the feeling that he didn't like it as much. Maybe he was afraid of hurting the baby too, I don't know.

But I would really feel bad if he wouldn't let me touch him or withheld affection, etc. Can you get him to go to marriage counseling? and I agree with Elegirl...have you spoken to him and let him know how unhappy you are with his lack of affection?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FeelingRejected said:


> It's not just about sex though, like I said before, he doesn't like hugging or kissing me either. It makes me feel unwanted. He tells me he's happy and that he loves me, and I do believe him most times, ....


The whole Madonna/Wh0re thing is that once you become a wife/mother you are now a Madonna to be put on a pedestal and not the sex object you once were. 

It is all in his mind and is really not uncommon. Have you explored that topic on your own? Have you explored it by talking to him about it? His being emotionally impacted by your pregnancy is his problem and he needs you to help him face that he needs to address it.

This could have been something that was emotionally beaten into him culturally and he may not have even recognized it until you obviously became pregnant.



FeelingRejected said:


> ....I'm almost at the end of my pregnancy, so doing a lot of what we used to do is really difficult.


Again, since you are almost at the end of your pregnancy, he may have lots of (unjustified) fears about sex with you. While you can dismiss his statements (damage the baby, induce labor) as excuses, to him they are reasons. You need to listen to him and his reasons. You need to respect him and his reasons. You can try to educate him on the medical and scientific fact, but he may have had those "reasons" of his beaten into his head over a long period of time.

Take him with you to the doctor. If nothing else while he is present ask the doctor how exhausted the two of you are likely to be after the baby is born and whether having sex now will be better and easire than having sex after the birth. Also while he is there ask if having sex after the birth will help in your recovery. He might learn a few more things he needs to know. His fears may not stop at pregnancy. Again, the Madonna/Wh0re thing is real.

Good luck


----------

