# Unsuccessful marriage



## Claire234 (Mar 8, 2015)

I'm married to my husband for 2 years. We have a baby girl. It was an arranged marriage so we didn't know each other before marriage. Turns out he has erectile dysfunction. During these 2 years we only had sex about 5 times. And I got pregnant. 

I had been considering to finish off this marriage until recently when I was diagnosed with diabetes. I always thought I'd get out of this marriage where there's no sex, love or care. 

He's a great father. And I'm not sure if I can raise my daughter alone with diabetes. Also, I don't want to live like this. This marriage has no meaning. Help me make a decision please.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

So, just to be clear, it is not the erectile dysfunction that is the major issue (that can usually be resolved with help), it's that he shows you no love or interest?

It might be considered that his erectile dysfunction is fueling his indifference. In other words, the fact he has trouble performing has him
'gun shy'.

Or do you think this is his basic personality?

Perhaps he is not attracted to you?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

So you can't prevent an arranged marriage from taking place but you can end it if you choose to do so?

Doesn't make sense on the face of it.

Then again, having 2 people forced to spend the rest of their lives together without giving them any say in the matter and expecting them to be happy makes even less sense.


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## Claire234 (Mar 8, 2015)

Maybe he's not attracted to me. He never tells me I'm attractive. And I've never seen him in the mood to have romance. Even when he did have, it was more like a duty to him. 

We did meet each other before marriage and liked each other. But didn't know he had erectile dysfunction. And yes, I can divorce him if I want and I could have refused to marry him if I wanted. But I really did like him initially. Just didn't know he had ed.


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## Claire234 (Mar 8, 2015)

Both. He shows no love and care. And has ed. He never has time for me. Prefers watching tv over spending time with me. Plus he gives more importance to his parents than me and his daughter. He doesn't go anywhere without them, although he's 35. He takes me for granted. Sometimes I feel he's driving me away on purpose.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

perhaps if he gets help for his ED his drive and attraction to you will increase. By being able to perform, it may awaken his sexual desire.

I would attack this issue first to rule out any other issues first.
I don't know what country you live in, but most viagra, cialis, livitra websites offer free trials that you can download. You may need a dr. to sign off on these (or again, may not depending on where you live). I would try giving him some of these first. If his Ed is resolved, a lot of other good things may follow. Or at least you can eliminate that as the driving force behind other things.

Ed is the simplest starting point. Everything else becomes more complicated.


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

My advice is don't ask strangers on the Internet for advice with important life decisions.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CincyBluesFan said:


> My advice is don't ask strangers on the Internet for advice with important life decisions.


Why are you here then?


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## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

lenzi said:


> Why are you here then?


For the "sex in marriage" forum but it has turned out to be quite a dud. It's also a decent way to kill some time when the day is a bit slow. 

Asking total strangers, Internet strangers at that, what you should do concerning important life decisions probably isn't the best strategy. Especially the posters who I see spending upwards of 18 hours per day here. How can you take relationship advice from someone who spends 18 hours/day on a social media site?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

CincyBluesFan said:


> Asking total strangers, Internet strangers at that, what you should do concerning important life decisions probably isn't the best strategy.


Then who do you ask? Friends, family, therapists (some of whom give questionable advice and are more screwed up then their patients)?



CincyBluesFan said:


> Especially the posters who I see spending upwards of 18 hours per day here. How can you take relationship advice from someone who spends 18 hours/day on a social media site?


This is isn't a social media site. But your point is well taken that there are some posters who are on here and posting all day long. You gotta wonder why they aren't spending more time in the real world with their relationship partners.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

These days, it doesn't seem that diabetes is much of a barrier to anything, although to be fair, I don't have it. But it's relatively treatable through diet and medication. So I'm failing to understand why you'd consider it as any kind of a reason for staying in your marriage. Can you explain your thinking? 

As far as the rest goes, you married someone you didn't know, and now things aren't working out for a variety of reasons. That seems hardly surprising. If my daughter wanted to marry someone after one date, I'd tell her she was nucking futs (no offence or relation to the user in this forum with that name). But because you (foolishly, imho) had a child with this guy, I'd recommend telling how you feel, and that you both need to take the problem seriously or the marriage will be in jeopardy. And then follow through. 

C


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## Claire234 (Mar 8, 2015)

I made every effort that he sees a doctor or we see a marriage counsellor but he has refused. This is the point where I have decided to give up. But my question is, if we split how would our daughter be effected who is only a few months old? 

And my second question is, men who have ed and don't love their wives, why do they still want to stay in marriage?


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## Claire234 (Mar 8, 2015)

I'm a bit scared I might not be able to work, raise a child and manage home with diabetes. 

These are the problems that I don't feel comfortable sharing with my friends and family. That's why I'm here


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

maybe he was pressured into marriage and his heart really wasn't into it?

I'm not qualified to pass judgment on arranged marriages, but I have have had friends who have had arrangement marriages that seem happy, and I know many parts of the world seem to practice it. It probably works in the majority of cases.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Claire234 said:


> I made every effort that he sees a doctor or we see a marriage counsellor but he has refused. This is the point where I have decided to give up. But my question is, if we split how would our daughter be effected who is only a few months old?
> 
> And my second question is, men who have ed and don't love their wives, why do they still want to stay in marriage?


I would think your daughter would be less affected by a change now than she would by a change when she's old enough to be hurt and confused by it. 

Millions of people live perfectly normal lives while having diabetes. You should speak to your doctor,though.

Finally, your husband is having his needs met, so why would he want to go through the drama of a divorce? It will cost him a lot of money (most likely), and I'm guessing there's significant social and family pressure to stay married. He's either ok with not having sex, or he's getting it somewhere else. And in the meantime, he's got free childcare for his kid, and I'm guessing a maid, cook, etc in his house (that would be you). There's no reason for him to change anything. 

C


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Diabetes is not a terminal illness and millions of people around the world have learned to successfully managed it through a combination of. diet, exercise and medication. Are you saying you are incapable of doing this?


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Claire234 said:


> I'm married to my husband for 2 years. We have a baby girl. It was an arranged marriage so we didn't know each other before marriage. Turns out he has erectile dysfunction. During these 2 years we only had sex about 5 times. And I got pregnant.
> 
> I had been considering to finish off this marriage until recently when I was diagnosed with diabetes. I always thought I'd get out of this marriage where there's no sex, love or care.
> 
> He's a great father. And I'm not sure if I can raise my daughter alone with diabetes. Also, I don't want to live like this. This marriage has no meaning. Help me make a decision please.


Well, not having ED, I can't speak for him, so I'm just taking a guess here. Perhaps his behavior of no affection stems from his problem. Have you two sought to get him help with his ED?


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

This sounds very "trollish".....


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Claire234 said:


> I made every effort that he sees a doctor or we see a marriage counsellor but he has refused. This is the point where I have decided to give up. But my question is, if we split how would our daughter be effected who is only a few months old?
> 
> And my second question is, men who have ed and don't love their wives, why do they still want to stay in marriage?


I can't answer your second question, but I do have experience with your first.

I've brought up two daughters on my own, both from a very early age. I left my first husband when my daughter was 15 months old and we had no contact with him thereafter. While it was difficult in some ways for my daughter, never knowing her Dad, I always believed that this was for the better as he was such a dysfunctional person that he would have caused problems in her life. She was a great little girl, growing up, very intelligent, had a great education, including university. She's now in her mid thirties, is married (for 12 years) to a fabulous husband who I love as much as I do my own children, he's a great addition to our family. They now have their own little girl and they are absolutely brilliant parents and have a great relationship and a stable life together. 

My youngest daughter was born 7 years later and I split with her dad when she was 6 months old. He maintained contact at least twice a week. It was difficult in the early years as he didn't have the confidence to take her out alone and all of the contact was in my home in my presence. He would come for an evening meal every week and would pick us up on a weekend day and we would both take both my daughters out for the day. As my daughter got older, he started taking her out on his own. He then got married and had a son but divorced a few years later. He has a great relationship with my daughter and is an excellent father. He and I remain good friends (he was always very supportive towards me while the children were growing up) and value our freindship. My youngest daughter has also had a great education, including university. She's now in her mid twenties, single, has a good job and shares a house with friends. She's sociable and outgoing and still sees her dad as regularly as they both can manage (they live in different parts of the country). 

I honestly think that both of my daughters had an easier time with the break ups because they were both so young at the time - too young to even notice what was going on. 

Yes, it's been difficult raising them alone, money was tight and I didn't have much time for myself as I always put my kids' needs first. However, I've been rewarded with a great family, two loving daughters of whom I am very proud, a dream son in law (I couldn't have asked for a better husband for my daughter) and a wonderful little grandchild. 

How your daughter copes with a split will be up to you - how you cope with the break up and how you cope with raising your child alone. It can be done successfully and it's a very rewarding experience.


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