# We had ANOTHER talk



## Espy (Feb 28, 2013)

I'm feeling like I'm at the end of my rope and not sure what else to try. My husband and I have been together for 15 years and married 10. We had quite a rocky start but managed to stay together. It seemed we were on an endless loop of fight, distance, make up. I wanted to move closer to my family and he agreed after months of discussion. I sold our house, quit my job and he dropped a bomb on me that he wasn't moving. He told me what I wanted to hear to appease me and didn't think I'd take it that far. To me that was a huge blow. He was also verbally mean and demeaning towards me at the time. I openly admit I have had a hard time letting go of this. Even though I chose to stay for a while. Then I wanted to leave but was scared of not being to afford being on my own at the time so I hesitated. Then I got pregnant. We worked on things and it seemed to be going better. Along comes baby and we're a happy family. Until he gets into a car accident and is seriously injured. He had back surgery and it took a long time for him to recover. I stood by him through that and took care of him, worked and was the only one taking care of a 2 month old baby. I would do it all again if I had to but then the meanness set in again. Nothing I did was right. He made me feel like a bad person for doing things I had to do, like work. I know a lot of it stemmed from depression about not being the 'bread winner' he as much said so. I kept a lot of things inside because I didn't want to hurt him when I felt he was so sensitive about his injury. That is all on my shoulders. I should have spoke up then and told him how I felt. 6 months ago I started showing signs of depression and anxiety. I kept trying to blow it off as one thing or another but I finally came home and told him how upset I was. I explained how I felt physically distant, we do the good morning peck and good night peck and that's it. It can be a month or better without sex. We never spend time together the two of us. If we do anything it involves our son. He browses the internet and watches TV and I go to bed alone every night. If I ask him to join he generally complains about his back. I know it causes him pain but every night? He's hardly working and doesn't seem to have the drive to look for a new job. Yes the economy is tough but if I can find two jobs he should be able to find one. This is another pattern through out our marriage. I made a list of about 5-6 things he could do for me that would make me feel closer to him and asked he do the same. He never did, said he doesn't know why he didn't. Fast forward 6 months and we're having the same conversation. Again. I asked him what I can do to help him and he says he's given up on life but he still loves me. I've offered counseling, anything I and we can do to make this better but he says he's just not making a priority of it and doesn't know why. So then why should I make us a priority is my question? I just don't think I can keep on this merry go round we've been on. I honestly think I've stayed this long for my son but what good is a mom that anxious and depressed all the time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has he been evaluated for depression or anything?

You need to tell him that he either gets off his butt and figures out what's wrong and fixes it or you're outta there.


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## Espy (Feb 28, 2013)

That was basically what I told him yesterday. I actually came out and said I had been picturing life without him. Today he's calling me just to see how I'm doing, ect but it fits the same pattern. I'm scared I'm just setting myself up to get sucked back in by "just enough". Although I did make myself an appointment to start IC since he won't go with me.

He has not been evaluated and seems to have no drive to do so.


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## Espy (Feb 28, 2013)

Last night I saw things headed in a bad direction so I took our son to the neighbors house to play. We had a big argument. He kept telling me everything was his fault and that he should have let me go years ago so I could be happy. All of this was said very sarcastically. I explained that I didn't feel it was all his fault and that I thought we both had some things to work on and decisions to make. I asked him if he did want to work on things? He packed a bag and said he was going to give me space to figure myself out. While I did agree a day or two might not be a bad thing to let stuff cool off it still doesn't seem like working on anything to me. It feels more like he wants me to fix it myself. He left for a couple hours and came back home. Said he had no where to go. We did sleep in separate rooms. It felt like an uneasy truce for the night. This morning he asked if I was still going to IC and I said yes. All he said was good so I left for work.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you ready to give him an ultimatum then? He either goes and gets psychiatric help, or you will end it? Because it sounds like exactly what you said - he just wants you to deal with it and he won't.


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