# What is She Up To?



## herguardianangel (Aug 9, 2011)

I'm so glad I've seen this site, I'm hoping to get some thoughts and opinions on a pretty confusing stage I'm in. 

A little background, this girl and I dated a few years ago, it wasn't built on a solid relationship (one-night-stand), but eventually flourished to something great afterwards. Our relationship didn't last long, she was married and we both knew it was a mistake. 

Fast forward to today, I found out that she has already separated from her husband. She has two kids which she adores very much. 

Here's the deal, we've rekindled our contact via text, and I must say the relationship we have now is slowly building on something stronger: Friendship. Its been 2 full months now that we text almost everyday, I pick her up from work, we hang out sometimes. 

She said that she isn't ready to fall in love with me yet, her 7 and 5 year old kids are at the top of her priority now and she doesn't want to complicate their lives by introducing another man to replace their father. She has been very consistent about that part. She also mentioned that if she were to date someone, her kids would have to be part of that relationship. SHe also said taht she is waiting for her time, until the time her kids understand that she is separated, she will put her happiness in the backseat, just for her kids. 

Here's the confusing part:
We have so much fun though when we are together, we sing in the car, we laugh about silly stuff and talk about anything under the sun. Pretty much, the chemistry is there, no doubt about it. 

She said numerous times that she enjoys my company, and that she misses me sometimes. We always talk about her kids, I am showing genuine concern to her kids, they are just adorable! (Though I haven't met them yet). I know when her kids are sick, and I know when they have an event in school, basically, its a pretty solid concern I have for them, and while she hasn't said it, I know she appreciates it. (Even bought them chocolates when I picked her up one night, bought three a piece in that loot bag. She said she wanted something special for her, I told her, look at the bag, you each have one for yourselves - Not sure if this is sweet or what...)

Just last week when I picked her up from work, on that night where we had so much fun in the car while stuck in a traffic jam, I was holding her knees, basically I had my hand on her knees. She took my hand and held it a few minutes before I dropped her off. And when she was about to get out of the car, she kissed me, on the lips, for the first time in ages (our usual goodbye kiss was a peck on the cheeks). That's when she texted me that she had a great time with me that night. That kissing thing happened twice, one was just this morning. Since our communication two months ago, we've made plans to have sex, but to this date, we haven't. It seems like were both taking our time, we made plans to do it, but something always comes up...

Question for you ladies is: Is she trying to hold back her feelings? What's the deal here? Should I just enjoy the moment and wait for her time?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Relationships that start as affairs rarely last. The failure rate is at 95%. 

I'm going to be honest with you. She's just not that into you. I think you've been friend zoned. She's told you her kids come first. Is that really okay with you? Why don't you let her go and find someone that is really interested in a relationship instead of wasting time with this one who is obviously just stringing you along.

Plus if she cheated before she will likely do it again. Just sayin.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

To the OP...

Are you someone who likes chasing after damsels in distress?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Are you someone who likes chasing after damsels in distress?


Of course he is. Look at his user name.

To the OP take me with a grain of salt. I tend to be blunt. I just sincerely can't see this relationship working out right now. She cheated before, she's still married, and she's making excuses as to why you can't be together. Either she wants a relationship or she doesn't. Right now she doesn't and she told you so. Now if you are okay waiting that's fine but then she will likely lose respect for you for being too "nice".

The best thing you could do would be to walk away simply saying you deserve better.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She isn't divorced? Just separated?

If she's not divorced, then back off. She's someone else's wife.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

While married this woman had a one-night-stand with YOU. How would you like to be on the other side of that? By getting involved with this woman, there's a really good chance you may find out how it feels to be the betrayed spouse.

As for her immediate motives.... I'd say she is a "user". She is emotionally detached in case a better opportunity comes along.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Did yu ever think that maybe she realize that the first time, you guys did it all wrong?

Maybe she's just holding back the reigns, and wants to get to know you better.
Maybe she doesn't want another one night stand?
Maybe she wants to wait until she's emotionally free?

Putting that all aside, Id suggest you STOP taking the place of her husband's duties. That includes picking her up from work.
Play a little harder to get.

You really want to test her?
Ask her for her opinion about some woman you met.

Don't be so available this week.
See if she pursues you at all.

A say just back up a bit, and see what happens.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> Did yu ever think that maybe she realize that the first time, you guys did it all wrong?
> 
> Maybe she's just holding back the reigns, and wants to get to know you better.
> Maybe she doesn't want another one night stand?
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## herguardianangel (Aug 9, 2011)

Undertheradar - Those are actually exactly my thoughts, we've had too many heart to heart talks about her life, and mine, and know her too well just to think that she is using me... Though we spoke about just that too, that "maybe" we are just using each other... And that she wants me to control my own emotions... That I cant love her just by texting and calling, and that it takes time... She is thinking I want sex, and she is using me to get away from her personal problems... But then she takes it back the next day and says sorry for saying those and didn't intend to hurt me. After we had that conversation, that's when our friendship really flourished... I was trying to prove a point, and I think she realized that, thats when the kissing and holding hands in the car happened...

Should I ask her where we stand though? Is it too early and should I just wait and see what this friendship will bring us? I am actually appreciating our time now, I now know what kind of food she loves eating, how many brothers she has, what they do for a living, the small stuff... A friend told me not to hold on to her too tightly, and just let it all come freely... Thats what I'm doing now...


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## herguardianangel (Aug 9, 2011)

Oh, and one more thing she mentioned during those heart to heart talks we had: She does not want a temporary relationship, and that she is tired of getting hurt, if she wants another relationship, she wants it to be forever. She doesnt want to be happy now and cry tomorrow. Thats why she is taking her time, and she said that now isnt her time yet...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

herguardianangel said:


> Oh, and one more thing she mentioned during those heart to heart talks we had: She does not want a temporary relationship, and that she is tired of getting hurt, if she wants another relationship, she wants it to be forever. She doesnt want to be happy now and cry tomorrow. Thats why she is taking her time, and she said that now isnt her time yet...


Loosely translated...

"I really like the attention you pay to me and I'm delighted to keep you smack dab in the middle of the friend zone - where you can do for me and I can do nothing in return."

"When I say that 'now isn't my time', what I really mean is that now isn't my time with YOU"


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

herguardianangel said:


> Thats why she is taking her time, and she said that now isnt her time yet...


There you go she just told you where you stand. This is a line women use to keep you on the hook while they consider their options.

Again if you want any chance with this woman you need to walk away. Be less available a little more hard to get. You are too easy. Too nice. And too giving for far too little in return.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop having heart to heart talks.

Just DO.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Stop having heart to heart talks.
> 
> Just DO.


Yep, those heart to hearts could be emotionally draining.
Don't forget, this woman is already emotionally drained.

She's looking to have some fun.
Right now, you're her crutch.

Back off, and see if she comes around.


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## herguardianangel (Aug 9, 2011)

Thanks for all the advise. I understand that this is more complicated than I would have. Just last night she called again venting put her frustrations, shes getting tired and all... Not sure how to react to this but i do know she just wants someone listening to her and not have someone tell her what to do. She is a smart woman and i know she knows what needs to be done. 

Some of your advises are spot-on. A lot of my friends are telling me to just give her the fun she needs. Her life is New York, and I am her Bahamas, her escape from reality. I guess im fine with that coz im pretty happy where we stand right now, i cant say the same a few months from now but all thats important to me is "now". 

I dont initiate those heart to hearts, coz i know thats the last she needs now. But i want to let her know that i can be someone she can be naughty, serious, and fun with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

herguardianangel said:


> Thanks for all the advise. I understand that this is more complicated than I would have. Just last night she called again venting put her frustrations, shes getting tired and all... Not sure how to react to this but i do know she just wants someone listening to her and not have someone tell her what to do. She is a smart woman and i know she knows what needs to be done.
> 
> Some of your advises are spot-on. A lot of my friends are telling me to just give her the fun she needs. Her life is New York, and I am her Bahamas, her escape from reality. I guess im fine with that coz im pretty happy where we stand right now, i cant say the same a few months from now but all thats important to me is "now".
> 
> ...



That's not happening the way you're setting yourself up.

You're creating the "i'm here for you stuff". Women don't always want that in a lover.
She connects with you for her problems, but I promise you, if she met someone that she connected with, she would NOT discuss her problems with him.

back off!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be her consoling ear. When she calls upon you for a shoulder to cry on, tell her you were walking out.
If you truly like her (and I know you do), why don't you ask her on a DATE? One on one!!! Tell her you'd like to go see a play, or something on that order. Let her get dressed up. See if she's ready for that.

OTOH, if she's still emotionally attached, and / or still with ther husband, I'd suggest you move on. You were just another passing in the night- stand.


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## herguardianangel (Aug 9, 2011)

Ok - Let me get this straight:

I don't console her when she is down, don't make myself too available to pick her up etc. From what I understand, this makes me stuck in the Friend Zone, correct? (I feel like i'm in 7th grade asking for tips, ugh!) 

I've been reading the Alpha Male thread here, is that what I need to project to her? 

My question is what if she sees me as special with the way I treat her now? Take note that she said that she does not want something temporary, she wants a life partner and I cant go all "boyfriend" material on her if I ask her on a date or brush off her need for someone who will listen to her? I guess what i'm trying to say is her mind is too mature, almost like saying she wants another husband, or something like that... 

She still texts me every now and then, to greet me good morning, shes on lunch, she's going home, she's on the bus etc...

Just read this from the net too:



> Try delivering what her married life lacks in terms of not only what she wants but also little stuff that she might not be expecting. The way to a woman’s heart is attention to details and understanding her thoughts and feelings. So, always be ready to lend an attentive ear when she is baring her soul and heart to you.
> 
> And, yes while dating a married woman always remember that she might have other commitments as well. Therefore, try not to get too possessive or emotionally involved. Both of you are there to share joys and have fun together. There is no point in making it an albatross around your necks. It will spell doom for the mental solace and emotional fulfillment both are seeking


Two different points of views... What I'm doing is in the box above...


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## mrs.rmiller (Aug 2, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Loosely translated...
> 
> "I really like the attention you pay to me and I'm delighted to keep you smack dab in the middle of the friend zone - where you can do for me and I can do nothing in return."
> 
> "When I say that 'now isn't my time', what I really mean is that now isn't my time with YOU"


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


I remember FRIEND ZONE!!! Make her go to you. Women like the game as well as men do. Don't be so nice. It's not always a good thing. Be someone who is not afraid to push back, a challenge. Get away from the heart to hearts and get out. Flirt with other girls and see if she shows any sign of being jealous. If she tries to set you up with the girl, you might as well consider yourself in the same category as her girlfriends and gay male friends. The FRIEND ZONE!


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

herguardianangel said:


> Ok - Let me get this straight:
> 
> I don't console her when she is down, don't make myself too available to pick her up etc. From what I understand, this makes me stuck in the Friend Zone, correct? (I feel like i'm in 7th grade asking for tips, ugh!)
> 
> ...


What's quoted in that box are instructions on how to have an affair with a married woman. An affair is by definition not a lasting partnership. People have affairs outside of their "life partnerships". 

That being said, I think the women on the board are right. You've been friend zoned. You might try backing off to see if she follows--but if you're the emotional dumping ground, reliable back-up and haven't gotten past the occasional "real" kiss in months---you're not in the passion category. I'm guessing that she won't want to hurt your feelings, or risk losing a friend, and actually come out and say she's not feeling it, but I bet that things will keep "coming up" when it comes to actually having sex.


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## herguardianangel (Aug 9, 2011)

Hey! Its been a long time and I'm back...

Just wanted everyone in on our progress. We've spent far more time together as the days go by, and yes, it has come to a point where we had s*x, that was August 27th. 

Our relationship seem to have flourished into something much deeper and our emotional connection has developed so much before and after the day we made love. It wasn't a wild night, it was very romantic and we had so much fun afterwards while I was driving her home. We were laughing profusely in the car while she was "feeding" me with McDonalds french fries coz I was driving... Kinda sweet really. I can clearly see that we are definitely out of the friend zone... 

We have since then become sweeter in the car... She holds the back of my head when I'm driving, she holds my hand... asks me to download a few songs which I think shows her true feelings: "Take me I'll Follow - Bobby Caldwell" etc... "What do we mean to each other" etc

I don't long for her too much when she doesn't text, I realized that she does have her own life beyond our texts and calls that I respect. I am no longer paranoid why she hasn't contacted me, but she does when she can (after preparing her kids dinner, tutoring them after school etc), the usual good morning and good night messages etc. 

We've had a pretty long conversation too just recently, a good 4 hours on the phone opening ourselves up to each other. That she is too scared and have been hurt too many times to commit to another relationship. It will take time, she says, before we commit. And the only important thing now is what we share currently. She said she isn't used to texting someone about her whereabouts or just saying Hi (which all the more made her constant good morning, have you eaten lunch texts more special) She isn't used to looking at her cellphone and seeing 3-4 messages from anyone while she's at work, and now she gets that, she said that she feels special. I also told her exactly how I truly felt that night. She clearly said that she does not believe in love because of what she has gone through, and jokingly said that I am messing up her mind about love, and care, and commitment. What she said sounded positive to me because she is now seriously doubting all her past hurts and wanted to move on... 

I will be patient, and I know in a few months the time will be worth the wait...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Be care ful angel, women that have ONS while still married have chacter flaw not seen until later on in relation when she is bored and tired of you.

Stay focused,


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