# trying to cope with narcissist lover



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

I'm 23 years old and have been in relationship with a narcissist since 4yrs. 
I recently discovered that I am living with a narcissist. I love him a lot. At the same time, I am not able to tolerate his abuses(emotional and physical to some extent) towards me anymore. I want to help him too. To relieve him off his condition. But, feels like I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.

Please advice me if a narcissist can ever change? Am i investing my time into something that can never happen? 

He never appreciates me for anything good I do. Always manages to insult n make an issue even out of smallest of my mistakes. His major mistakes are not even acknowledged as mistakes! I wil b blamed n punished for his mistakes as well! My tears,pain,suffering have no value. His pain is all that matters to him.

But at times he shows love n care, I start to hope that things would improve. They never do. Just then he gets back to his old habit. what ever happens anywhere, will always b my misake. But I still end up going back to him at the slightest display of affection! 

I want to get away from away from him n I restrain myself from going away from him!Totally confused! Please help!!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

GET OUT NOW.

I was with one for years (have his child) and left. Never married, and THANK GOD FOR THAT.

He will not get better. Leave him now.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

They don't change. Dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

I fell trapped because of the occasional intense love he shows! I fell I am obliged towards that love! I know getting out is the best solution. But, this is what is holding me back


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He showers you like that to keep you there.

It's not love. It's power.
Get out.


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

Thanks for the quick reply and advice. I'll try to look at his love as just a tool to keep me there. Maybe i'll bring myself to some senses.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

just looked up the definition of narcissist..........ugly,ugly ugly

cut your losses


----------



## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

Physical and emotional abuse?

LEAVE NOW.

There is no way to gain respect for yourself except by setting strong and healthy boundaries between you and people who violate you.

If there is any hint of physical abuse, you should leave. 

I know it's not what you want to hear, but I simply can't say anything else.

Or, if it helps to think of it this way, real love is more important than intense shows of affection, right? And if you really love yourself, you'll take care of yourself, right? And taking care of yourself means... what, in this situation?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You already know he's not good for you. That's why you post about how he mistreats you and you want him to change and blah blah blah.

People don't change unless they want to. It has nothing to do with you. So if he doesn't see anything wrong w/ his behavior, expect more of the same.

Get into therapy to find out why you are attracted to someone who treats you poorly and only occassionally shows you love/affection. Stop this pattern now.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your words, highlighted:



needadvice_narcissist said:


> I'm 23 years old and *have been in relationship with a narcissist since 4yrs*.
> I recently discovered that I am living with a narcissist. I love him a lot. At the same time, *I am not able to tolerate his abuses(emotional and physical to some extent) *towards me anymore. I want to help him too. To relieve him off his condition. But, *feels like I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.*
> 
> *Please advice me if a narcissist can ever change? *Am i investing my time into *something that can never happen? *
> ...





needadvice_narcissist said:


> *I know getting out is the best solution. *But, this is what is holding me back





needadvice_narcissist said:


> Thanks for the quick reply and advice. I'll try to look at his love as just a tool to keep me there. *Maybe i'll bring myself to some senses*.


The red part, especially, is sickening. Why would you want to stay with someone who's like that???? :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

Also, anytime you are waiting for someone to CHANGE, you are wasting your TIME.


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

Thats what I'm confused about! Why am i still with him. Its high time I leave.

And the contents in red part are only the tip of an ice berg.


----------



## alphapuppy (Jan 17, 2012)

needadvice_narcissist said:


> Thats what I'm confused about! Why am i still with him. Its high time I leave.
> 
> And the contents in red part are only the tip of an ice berg.


"It's high time I leave."

You said it.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

needadvice_narcissist said:


> I fell trapped because of the occasional intense love he shows! I fell I am obliged towards that love! I know getting out is the best solution. But, this is what is holding me back


If he truly is a narcissist he does this because you feed his delusion.

If he truly is a narcissist get the hell out now because he`s incapable of giving a damn about anything other than himself and the things that prop up his delusion.

Has he been diagnosed with NPD or are you just using the term because he has narcissistic tendencies?

If he`s been diagnosed with NPD, run like hell.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You wanting to help him is just another way of him keeping you with him. You must remember that a narcissist will never feel complete, ever. You know how when you add vinegar to baking soda there is a reaction and then it's over? Well, think of a narcissist as an endless supply of baking soda. Then imagine yourself with a bucket with holes in it with which you must ferry vinegar to continue to feed his needs. Think about carrying that bucket with the holes in it and doing nothing other than ferrying vinegar for the rest of your life. Do you REALLY think that's a helpful way to spend your time? Were you really put on this earth SPECIFICALLY to cater to another human being 100% of your time? To the detriment of your spirit? Is that fair to all the other people you could be sharing your life with who might truly appreciate your time and energy and spirit? 

Personally, having been involved with narcissists, I think it's even a worse thing to do to yourself than suicide...it's like suicide for people who want to stick around to see themselves die, while simultaneously feeling 'good' about it, because they can make up some story about how they're trying to help someone. Let's get this straight...if you're not a psychiatrist you're unqualified. And even if you do succeed in rescuing someone with deep psych problems, what makes you think a person like that is going to be loyal to you and reward you for your trouble? He'll get a fresh victim, because that's what narcissists do. Then you'll be occupied trying to save her, warn her off...and she'll laugh and say you're nuts, she's heard all about you.

Listen to the advice here. Just leave. Stop thinking. 
Do for YOURSELF everything you would be willing to do for him.

Every time I cut broccoli I end up thinking about the narcissist who needed it cut a certain way. As for the coffee grinder, I grind it how I like it and have stopped thinking about that issue. Good grief. I made broccoli for dinner, in case you're wondering. Then saw your post...yikes!

You know how far narcissists will go to keep you in their aura? They will even make foolish risks to keep you close. My former narcissist friend is dead, misused his insulin one too many times. Fortunately I had smartened up by then and had ended my 'friendship' with him clean and publicly, otherwise when he did OD or whatever he did, I didn't get framed for it. A real narcissist will keep you close to him even in the grave. When you do leave, make sure you document your tracks. Otherwise he will concoct some kind of issue or problem to keep you harnessed in one way or another.


----------



## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

I've been where you are at, down to the age and how long you have been with him. It is funny how you see others story's so similar to your own and immediately think "run!!" yet don't do the same in your own life. It is good you see this now, and the best advice I can give you is to leave. You don't want to be 8 more years down the road, married with a kid and still dealing with the same stuff. It just makes it all the more complicated and your self esteem will be even lower because you have continually suffered from the emotional abuse. You are better than that. He loves the things you do for him, he doesn't love YOU. You treat people you love with respect, and he does not have respect for you. He will not change, and individual counciling will not work, he will manipulate the therapist. Don't want to be a negative nancy, but I feel like I am living your future right now if you stay, and you don't want it.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Please, whatever you do, get away from this person asap. He will not change and will try all sorts of things to keep you under his thumb. Right now, he knows that you'll be there no matter what he does to you. Your self respect and life are worth far more than being a punching bag for someone else. 

If what you've written is only the tip of the iceberg, then you'd cut your losses by RUNNING away as fast as possible.


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You wanting to help him is just another way of him keeping you with him. You must remember that a narcissist will never feel complete, ever. You know how when you add vinegar to baking soda there is a reaction and then it's over? Well, think of a narcissist as an endless supply of baking soda. Then imagine yourself with a bucket with holes in it with which you must ferry vinegar to continue to feed his needs. Think about carrying that bucket with the holes in it and doing nothing other than ferrying vinegar for the rest of your life. Do you REALLY think that's a helpful way to spend your time? Were you really put on this earth SPECIFICALLY to cater to another human being 100% of your time? To the detriment of your spirit? Is that fair to all the other people you could be sharing your life with who might truly appreciate your time and energy and spirit?
> 
> You know how far narcissists will go to keep you in their aura? They will even make foolish risks to keep you close.
> 
> thanks.. its really helping me open my eyes. I have changed myself so much over these few yrs that, without my conscious knowledge I've given his happiness topmost priority instead of mine. First thing I should value is my happiness from now on


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

This is not likely to change.

True Narcissists seldom show change when it is externally motivated or initiated.

You should leave him before it breaks your spirit completely.


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

_


oregonmom said:



I've been where you are at, down to the age and how long you have been with him. It is funny how you see others story's so similar to your own and immediately think "run!!" yet don't do the same in your own life. It is good you see this now, and the best advice I can give you is to leave. You don't want to be 8 more years down the road, married with a kid and still dealing with the same stuff. It just makes it all the more complicated and your self esteem will be even lower because you have continually suffered from the emotional abuse. You are better than that. He loves the things you do for him, he doesn't love YOU. You treat people you love with respect, and he does not have respect for you. He will not change, and individual counciling will not work, he will manipulate the therapist. Don't want to be a negative nancy, but I feel like I am living your future right now if you stay, and you don't want it.

Click to expand...

_I am putting sincere effort to make myself leave him. Its really sad to know that you have also gone through all these. I feel like sharing a little of my experience just to lighten my heart.

At the beginning, everything was just wonderful. But, as time went by, things started changing. He started demanding that I dedicate all of my time to be with him. Cut off my time with my friends. I was so blinded( by the love he showed me) that I thought he can't stand being away from me even for a second n happily gave my entire time to him. obviously got separated from all my friends. Later as months passed by, all the things he used to do for me began disappearing. I used to go to any extent to please him and earn his affection. While posting this message, I'm trying to recall n it hurts me to think that like a child I used wait for his appreciation n get disappointed when I didn't get those. Instead of giving up,I used to work even harder. N somewhere when he felt I had enough he used to grant me with some affection.

I cook for him. The food should always be excellent. even a slight change in taste or if it turns out to be ok instead of excellent, he abuses me with all sorts of words n the entire dish has to redone. Doesn't do any chores. Expects me to do everything. He won't do his work n expects me not just to do it, but do it perfectly!

Nobody should insult him anywhere. If something like that happens, my peace is gone! He takes it out on me. insults me telling me that I am not good enough for him. I can't be good to anybody. That he is doing me a favor by being with me. 

He involves me into his work somehow n if that work turns out well, its because of him. If it goes bad, its because of me! over the time I just started not doing any kinda work with him at all. He screws up for sure n then blames it on me. 

The only time when he doesn't behave this way is in bed. He says all kind of nice things. But in the mornings, there will be this transformation in him n I'll b shocked wondering was this the same person to whom I talked to last night! But of course, such nights are disappearing too.

Only my first year birthday was celebrated. All the other years, he has made me cry on my birthday. He doesn't even wish me. I have to ask him n then after that he wishes. He doesn't celebrate his birthday either. Wonder whats the deal with that!

All these 4 years my world revolved around him, trying to make him better, making him happy, taking his blames, doing things for him. I hadn't even realized that what is happening is wrong. There should be reciprocity n not one sided. 

Anyway, it has been a rough 4yr with occasional incentives.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The thing about in bed...he is using your most basic emotional and sexual needs against you. My grandmother was a wise women. She advocated total self-reliance for girls to become complete women...what I'm meaning is that you can certainly take care of yourself in that way better than a narcissist. It is so easy to fall into a sex/physical comfort addiction...every other avenue to being emotionally fulfilled has been taken away from you, so naturally you turn to this when it's offered, and he's careful to make sure you don't stray in that way and keep coming back...at the end of the day maybe you will get some comfort in bed...this is the way of narcissists. Please don't be guilty, you need to start having thoughts about how lovely it might be to someday get love from someone who gives it round the clock, not as a way to practice holding you hostage. The shackles are there, you just can't see them. Probably after you understand this, you will be revolted by his touch, and he will know what's up...narcissists are always so aware of how their captives feel...even though we all try to think that it's all about them...it's about them keeping control of their 'supply' and they absolutely fear abandonment. It's worse than death for them. 

Anyway, my grandmother is long gone, but I still remember what she told me about self-reliance. :rofl:


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

Just had a fresh episode with him. Its just drains me off all my energy. Somehow would have built this positive attitude n will be thinkin of investing my energy in new things so that i can escape from him successfully. He just drained me completely. No energy to do anythin


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

Narcissism is a highly powerful mental disorder. Narcissists can only survive on being desired and must have a fallback plan at all times. They suck you in with loving words and know just the right things to say to get you back after they leave. They are the most powerful manipulators in the world. They can most be related to Vampires. They feed off of your love and when they drain it all , then they get bored and go to the next victim. After they do the same to them , then they will come back and get whatever you have built up since they left. They call this " Feeding them their narcissistic supply ". They have to have this supply of games and torment to survive and if they can't find it they will wash the pain out with drugs ! They have such a trance on you that doctors say it is almost impossible to get out of without being very knowledgeable of what you are up against. This is why the OG can't stop letting my ex back in also , because he is in a trance too already. So it has been very empowering to find this info out and learn how to control this evil being. Narcissists have no conscience and cannot empathize with others feelings. I can honestly say that I am finally done , now that I know what I'm up against and also know that she can never change. Even therapists don't know how to fix a Narcissist , since they can't take blame or listen to reason ! If you wanna read my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32606-8-years-lost-cheating-mother.html . Hopefully it helps ! Get better and PM me if you need to talk. We could probably help each other get through this. Good Luck ! We will need it ....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

needadvice_narcissist said:


> Thats what I'm confused about! Why am i still with him. .



You are still with him because you choose to be. It's a choice that you make every single day. 

You say you are making efforts to leave, but what are they? 

You have posted line after line about how awful he is, yet you still stay.

Good luck.


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

To understand a narcissist you must recognize that the more they do to you the more you try even harder to get them back. That is the power they have. This is just not letting go of your average loving relationship. This goes much deeper into the mind he has stolen from her. We can't even think for ourselves after dealing with this much mental re-networking. He has stolen her decisions, self esteem and reason. It is a long process to reprogram the brain to think correctly again and in the meantime she still has to counter his attacks whenever he calls.


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

My ex is here right now visiting with our son for 4 hrs and I haven't said a word to her or even looked at her. I have kept myself in my bedroom where I am safe from feeding her supply. This is the first encounter I have had since she left 4 days ago and it is very tough but we must stand firm !


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

_


CJ2 said:



To understand a narcissist you must recognize that the more they do to you the more you try even harder to get them back. That is the power they have. This is just not letting go of your average loving relationship. This goes much deeper into the mind he has stolen from her. We can't even think for ourselves after dealing with this much mental re-networking. He has stolen her decisions, self esteem and reason. It is a long process to reprogram the brain to think correctly again and in the meantime she still has to counter his attacks whenever he calls.

Click to expand...

_

Very true. Its like I am going on a war with my own brain to bring some senses to myself. I'll be knowing that what is happening is wrong n yet fail to take action against it. All yesterday n today had somehow brought myself on planning my escape. Today , its like even simplest of works feels like an impossible task


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Anybody living with a person who has a mental disorder (personality disorder) is a codependent. In the same way a person living with an alcoholic is a codependent. Want to know more about yourself? Read up about codependents.

Codependents are abused. Abused people have poor, if any personal boundaries. Want to stop being abused and being a codependent? Read up and enforce your personal boundaries.

It really is that simple. In essence you (1) stop trying to change the person who is abusing you and then (2) you no longer tolerate their abuse.


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

I hadn't thought of myself as a codependent. Thanks for the info. Its true. I haven't kept any boundaries. I allow him to abuse me in every other way. I'll look up for more info on it.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I realize I'm jumping in late on this thread, but as a codependent, who was married to a raging narcissist, I can read between the lines of your posts. You have no energy for your own self-preservation; meaning, getting the heck outta there and leaving no forwarding address. I've been there myself. I had a decent job, I started disliking my husband to the point that I wished him dead, but still I stayed. I tolerated physical, emotional, and verbal abuse. 

He was charming. Great in bed. But he was a narcissist who had his own agenda. Lied, lied, and lied some more. The scarey thing? He REALLY believed his lies. I was drained, worn out, and didn't have it in me to leave.

UNTIL THE NIGHT I GOT REALLY ANGRY. I'd had enough of him trying to "charm" more money out of me everytime he came up short due to unemployment, running up the credit cards, or just spending money on himself for unnecessary crap.

I had to literally fight my way out of that house, but I got away. Then I got a restraining order. Then I had the cops toss him out of our home so I could pack my things without his interference. Did he threaten and make a lot of noise? Yes. But three police cruisers pulling up in our driveway to escort him out of the neighborhood shut him up.

Narcissists keep codies trapped by manipulative charm. If that doesn't work, they try hitting your fear buttons. When you build up a good head of steam and get out of the victim mentality of trying to please someone who cannot be pleased, you will leave.

You are not helpless. You are not powerless. However, you have freely handed your power over to this man. When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll get p.o.'d enough to take your power back.

The night I escaped from my maniac ex-husband was the first step on my journey to being free from victimization and owning my life. You only have one shot, and it's short, so keep that in mind.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Things with a narcissist is always wonderful in the beginning. That's how they hook ya


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

The slightest sign I show him that I've had enough, he threatens me. Threatens me to take my peace away from me. Its my mistake that I had shown him that I don't care about happiness also. all I want is little peace!! Is that too much to ask for? Well he is en-cashing that now. He tells me, not the cops or anybody can stop him from troubling me, He'd go to my parents n cause them trouble, would go to my work place n embarrass me there. If at all I make new friends, he would embarrass n trouble them too it seems.

He tries this once n other times binds me to him by saying how much he loves me, how lost he would be without me, can't I give another chance to him n all those nonsense. Just showers me with lots of love


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

Read up on How to control a narcissist . they can be controlled to do as you please but you need to know the tricks !


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Stop threatening. Just leave.


----------



## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

There has been a lot of activity on this thread since I was on last...lots of things to comment on.
I am really sorry to hear the things you have been going through, he has no right to be treating you with such disrespect. I've grown to hate my birthday, Valentines Day etc. because it is always the same...I do usually get something, but it is always bought the day of, never any thought put into it, I will usually cook. It kind of kicked in how bad it had gotten when I was away for my birthday this year, across the country with a couple of aquaintances and some people I just met and they threw me a party, got special cupcakes, made a special dinner, even got me some really thoughtful presents - people who really didn't know me treated me better than I am treated by the person who "loves" me. Him isolating you is all part of the control, I am so glad you have at least found some people you can talk to in here and know we are in your corner with you! I read some things in your posts that are much worse that what I have had to deal with...I can go out with my (few)friends, I can do some things that make me feel better about myself, I don't have to re-cook dinner, I'm not physically abused. Even if those things improve, it is still not the life you want to live.
I was also thinking about this after I posted you...you are getting bombarded by people telling you to leave and in your head you hear that but are also thinking about the good things too...these people don't know all of it, I am complaining about all the bad things but they don't understand the good, I am giving him a bad shake. My husband has a lot of good qualities. He is outgoing, has tons of friends, everyone likes him, he's funny, he provides financially for his family, he goes to work everyday, he spends his time at home, my son adores him, we share the same interests, we have a lot of really good times together. These are the reasons I married him. I thought the lying and the need to be right all the time would improve with time, stuff he would grow out of. It's not, the longer you disregard your happiness in exchange for his the worse it gets.
Get some help for your co-dependancy, "Co-dependant No More" is basically our bible. Read it twice, let it all sink in. 
I really liked what Prodigal said: "Lied, lied, and lied some more. The scarey thing? He REALLY believed his lies." This is SO true. They also really believe they treat you great because they only remember the good stuff, and you are an ungrateful biiiatch for not seeing it that way. 
I can see how you are scared of the threats, but you can combat that head-on, you just really need to summon up all the confidence that you do have left. The book will help. You need to get a restraining order, you need to tell your parents his threats. I don't know what kind of place you work in, but your boss or HR manager either already has a protocol for this or can figure out a plan with you. I know he seems really scary, but the more you have a plan in place, stick to your guns and show him he does not have power over you anymore, most likely he will just go away and look for someone else to control.
Lots of rambling, sorry....just trying to say all the things I wish I would have heard when I was where you are now.


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

I have the book " Co-Dependent No More " and it is an awesome read on the insights of a co-dependent and their abuser. READ IT ! It has helped me alot....


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> You are not helpless. You are not powerless. However, you have freely handed your power over to this man. *When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired, you'll get p.o.'d enough to take your power back.*


:iagree:



that_girl said:


> Things with a narcissist is always wonderful in the beginning. That's how they hook ya


Bingo. Every single one of them. 



needadvice_narcissist said:


> The slightest sign I show him that I've had enough, he threatens me. Threatens me to take my peace away from me. Its my mistake that I had shown him that I don't care about happiness also. all I want is little peace!! Is that too much to ask for? Well he is en-cashing that now. He tells me, not the cops or anybody can stop him from troubling me, He'd go to my parents n cause them trouble, would go to my work place n embarrass me there. If at all I make new friends, he would embarrass n trouble them too it seems.


He does this because you allow him to. Or rather, you make him see it's ok that he threatens you. Because you don't stand up for youself. I wish to HELL someone would threaten my family, my parents............. Nobody fvcks with my parents! They are the apples of my eye, my heart. If this fool tells you you can't call the cops, he's going to come to your work or he's threatening your parents, tell him: "Watch it. Cause I will have zero problem calling the cops on you. Do not fvck with me." Be clear. And leave him. All this aying you are going to leave is just bluffing, which he knows. He enjoys it. He gets pleasure of it. Cause he believes youa re NEVER going to go anywhere (cause you have showed him you aren't.). SO start showing him something new. Leave him. 

The night before I left my ex, he'd been threatening me he was going to put me in the emergency room... saying things like, "Nobody messes with me... You will not leave this house until I leave... you go when I go!!! You won't have nice things w/o me!"

As IF I wanted *THINGS*. All I wanted was PEACE, love and respect.

So what I did was I waited for him to leave to go to work in the morning, I packed all my things up and moved out practically right underneath his nose. He had the audacity to call the police on me saying I'd "stolen" from him. The cops laughed. Not just that, but he rang me over and over (after never ever calling me in the weeks before, to even find out if I was alive), threatening me "If you don't come home in 15 minutes, you are going to have serious problems. Come back here right now. You have 15 minutes...!" 

I never went back. 

You can do it, too. You just need to realize fo ryourself that you deserve a whole lot better than this bullsh!t.



needadvice_narcissist said:


> He tries this once n other times binds me to him by saying how much he loves me, how lost he would be without me, can't I give another chance to him n all those nonsense. Just showers me with lots of love


Someone who loves you and feels they'd be lost without you wouldn't dare threaten your family, friends or say they are going to go to your work and humiliate you and embarass you in front of your colleagues. Someone who cares about you wouldn't put you down, degrade you, belittle you, and try to break down your spirit constantly. They would acknowledge your hurt feelings, not use your weaknesses against you. Someone who loves you would treat you lovingly, not as if you were an afterthought.

Ever see *Sleeping with the Enemy?*

Watch it. That guy also told his wife he loved her. Before he tried to kill her.

I'm just saying...


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

thanks a lot guys. This forum is really helpin me out. I used to so blindly wait for him to get alright after an episode. Even without askin for an explanation. Him gettin back to normal with me was all i asked. Mayb Thats why i got only that much. I've started asking for more. After the episode , two days back, i haven't talked to him. I'm holding my stand. Its difficult for me to make up my mind to leave him right away. But I've taken my first step towards it....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You gotta hold onto and defend your own normal. Not rely on him. Have your own life that provides you with what you need. You can share that with him, but don't give him any power over its existence. Vice versa, don't let him make or break your day on any given day.


----------



## needadvice_narcissist (Jan 17, 2012)

It has been a while since I last posted. I sort of, fell back to his trap all over again. I 've started letting him know that he can't treat me like a slave anymore. For which, he is obviously reacting violently. Sometimes over sweetly. It is very tempting when he treats me well. I can't tell you guys, how tempting it would be. So, I fell back to his trap. Felt like it would forever remain this way. But, It did not(as everyone told).

So, I've decided not to think on my own. It maybe good or bad(I'm saying this because, most of the times I would be feeling that he has become good or would become good), staying away from him is the right thing to do. However, tempting it might be. I'll just believe that I need to stay away from him.

I had sort of lost my track these days. Read this thread all over again. I constantly need to remind myself that I deserve better. 

I'll buy that "co dependent no more" book, first thing today.


----------



## applelemon (Jan 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He showers you like that to keep you there.
> 
> It's not love. It's power.
> Get out.


:iagree:

For me it was 6 years... I thought I could help him, I wanted to help him, he even went to therapy saying he wanted to get better but I was just stuck... IMHO an abuser will always be an abuser (I know very few who actually change). You can't change him or help him. He has to help himself.

As for the signs that you think he loves you, like THAT_GIRL mentioned it's not love, it's a way to control you. People like him are naturally drawn to you because you care and want to help. Cut your losses and leave. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but you just have to adapt quick and do it.

You need to think of yourself and your future, happiness, and well being. You're not responsible for his, he is.


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

needadvice_narcissist said:


> It has been a while since I last posted. I sort of, fell back to his trap all over again. I 've started letting him know that he can't treat me like a slave anymore. For which, he is obviously reacting violently. Sometimes over sweetly. It is very tempting when he treats me well. I can't tell you guys, how tempting it would be. So, I fell back to his trap. Felt like it would forever remain this way. But, It did not(as everyone told).
> 
> So, I've decided not to think on my own. It maybe good or bad(I'm saying this because, most of the times I would be feeling that he has become good or would become good), staying away from him is the right thing to do. However, tempting it might be. I'll just believe that I need to stay away from him.
> 
> ...


Maybe start on chapter 5 ( Detachment ) . It is a real eye opener ! Then go back to chapter 1 . This is a perfect book for people like us. It will give you much more insight on who you are , how your mind works and how to change it ! I have read the book twice and will keep reading it until it sinks in completely ! Let me know what you think of it. You will not be able to put it down until it's finished I'm sure ;o)


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My dad is a destructive narcissist. My best friend is trying now to get out of a 10 year marriage to one (he won't let her go - imagine that).

All I can say is RUN. They never change and there is no cure.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Go no contact and stay no contact. It's the only way.


----------



## CJ2 (Oct 4, 2011)

My Narc doesn't seem to even want to stay with me. She keeps leaving me and comes back when all else fails ! Then she becomes the manipulator ! I do believe it is over this time. She has found someone that makes her happy and will probably make the best of it this time.


----------



## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I would never want to over-simplify a complex situation, but to me the most plain part is this...I think you said he is physically abusive? Based on that, and that alone, he has FAILED and you should get out! Nuff said. I cannot think of any time that it would be ok, so all of the psychological issues aside, get yourself out and get safe.

I would also follow the other good advice here and take some time to get yourself healthy before seeking any new relationships or risk finding another one like this. The healthier you are, the healthier the people you will attract.

Nobody deserves to be treated like this and there IS someone better out there.
Good luck,


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Am I right that you are still living with him? How are you staying away from him if you are living with him?

You said that he gets violent? There are organizations that help people who are emotionally and plysically abused. Find one in your area and ask them for help in getting out of the situation you are in. Tell them of his threats to harass you, get you fired, against your parents, etc.

If he ever puts a hand on you call the police, have him removed from your home and get a restraining order so he cannot come back. And then move to where he cannot find you.

You owe him no explaination.


----------



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Am I right that you are still living with him? How are you staying away from him if you are living with him?
> 
> You said that he gets violent? There are organizations that help people who are emotionally and plysically abused. Find one in your area and ask them for help in getting out of the situation you are in. Tell them of his threats to harass you, get you fired, against your parents, etc.
> 
> ...


 
I don't know how NARCs have such a hold on people but they do. I dated one in college and didn't know that is what he was at the time. When they say you spend a lifetime trying to get over a narcissist, I believe this to be true. I am married to a wonderful man now but I had to do a lot of reading (still do a lot of reading on it) to get strong and be able to kick dust in the NARCs face when he tries to come back. 

If you stay with him just know that you will spend everyday wondering if he is cheating or worried about your annual blood test. That alone should be enough for you to be done. It is one thing when you have suspicions of his cheating but when you know for sure and you still stay, the end result will be all on you. He can't change because he has a problem. You will never be enough for him because his ego has to fed daily. He is a manipulator at heart. He does that best. He is not wanting you or being sweet to you. HE IS BEING SWEET AT WINNING. He wants to win and you're validating how he must be that desirable. He sees it as, this woman know Im cheating and have cheated many many times in the past but she is still here. He is looking in the mirror with the big chest saying "I'm the man"- I can cheat on THEM (all his women) and they still keep coming back - in your case you keep staying. You will have more power if you break it off and then put things in place for him to abide by. I think you have to cut a NARC off cold turkey. Better said than done but I'd rather be able to sleep at night knowing I can have a real meaningful relationship with someone and not be worried about when I could be contracting not knowing if what bed he just climbed out of


----------

