# Will adopting/having a child bring us closer together?



## Member 11

My wife and I have been married for 21 years. We have become really distant from one another and I feel like our marriage is in a slow decline. We are outwardly happy. My career is doing great, our home is beautiful, finances are in great shape, and I get a lot of satisfaction from other things. 

We do not have any children together. She has a child that was born from when we were separated for some time. That child is 15. I am in my mid 40s (as is my wife) and its started to bother me much more to not have any children of my own. I assume its far too late for her to get pregnant (she is 43) and we haven't had any success naturally in the past. I do want a child that I can raise and love. There is an emptiness in me. I think a child could bring us closer. I want to have a son and do some of those father-son things. 

I haven't done my research into the whole adopting, surrogacy, etc processes to know what is best for us. Money probably should not be an issue. 

I am going to bring the topic up with my wife soon and was hoping to hear some other perspectives. Will it bring us closer. Bad idea? Good idea? 

I think she will be receptive to the idea but if she is not, it may be a deal-breaker for me.


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## FirstYearDown

How long were you separated? Where is the 15 year old now?


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## Member 11

Separated 6 months when it happened. We reconciled and then she found out she was pregnant. I decided to stay. In retrospect probably the wrong decision but I was younger and thought it was the right thing to do. The 15 year old lives with us. I am not really a parent to her though.


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## Advocado

No, probably not (and I think you already know this). There are plenty of people who have a child together who are divorced/not close. 

I would say you need to work out why you are not close before adopting or having a child together.


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## Advocado

When and why did you stop feeling close?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

How does your wife feel about adopting? I would not adopt if she had any doubts about it.

A child will not bring you two closer together. Both of you have to put your marriage as your number one priority and work on meeting each others needs in order to get that closeness.


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## Member 11

I really want a child of my own. I think if it brought us closer, great. If not, same place we are in now except I have a son to raise and focus on. There is like an emptiness to my life right now. I've been trying to figure out what it is and I think it is never having a child of my own. 

I just sort of feel like if we are doing all of the parenting things together its inevitable we will become closer. We'll have something or someone to be a team for. 



> When did we stop being close?


I would say a long time ago. The last time I felt close to her was ten years ago. Its been a messy marriage in that I've been repeatedly unfaithful (never caught). She has arguably been unfaithful (since she was intimate with someone else while we were legally married). Somehow it still works. We are good friends and I can talk to her about things like I can't with anyone else. I think she knows me. She tries to be supportive and I know my marriage could be worse. I am content enough. 



> How does my wife feel about adopting?


I haven't asked her yet. If she says no she doesn't want to... I will be very bitter and angry. Considering I've spent my money on her child, when I ask about a child if she was to say no it would be very infuriating. I can't imagine her saying no. If she does, I don't know what the reasoning would be. 

If it came to her saying she doesn't want another child, I would leave. I'm certain of it. But I really think she would be open to it. I don't know why she would have any doubts.


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## Maricha75

Member 11 said:


> Separated 6 months when it happened. We reconciled and then she found out she was pregnant. I decided to stay. In retrospect probably the wrong decision but I was younger and thought it was the right thing to do. The 15 year old lives with us. I am not really a parent to her though.


Does the 15 year old see her bio dad? Also, how well do you hide the fact that you don't see her as your child? Obviously, she is not, but was there ever a time when you thought of her as yours, or treated her as yours? And, whose name is on her birth certificate?

I have to echo the sentiment of the other posters regarding a child bringing you closer together. It is highly unlikely, tbh. Really, it seems you harbor resentment toward her for having another man's child. That isn't going to go away easily. And no, I don't blame you in any way for being upset about it. But having a child, even adopting a child, when your marriage is already having problems doesn't help the situation. More than likely, it will only make those problems appear worse...or they actually WILL be worse. 

One of my friends adopted a baby last year. They were already having marital troubles. Once the baby got here, they got worse. They are now divorcing. 

Anyway, just think about it some more and try to talk to your wife about all of this. I wish you luck, no matter what happens.


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## Member 11

> Does the 15 year old see her bio dad? Also, how well do you hide the fact that you don't see her as your child? Obviously, she is not, but was there ever a time when you thought of her as yours, or treated her as yours? And, whose name is on her birth certificate?
> 
> I have to echo the sentiment of the other posters regarding a child bringing you closer together. It is highly unlikely, tbh. Really, it seems you harbor resentment toward her for having another man's child. That isn't going to go away easily. And no, I don't blame you in any way for being upset about it. But having a child, even adopting a child, when your marriage is already having problems doesn't help the situation. More than likely, it will only make those problems appear worse...or they actually WILL be worse.
> 
> One of my friends adopted a baby last year. They were already having marital troubles. Once the baby got here, they got worse. They are now divorcing.
> 
> Anyway, just think about it some more and try to talk to your wife about all of this. I wish you luck, no matter what happens.


Lot of questions. 

15 year old DOES NOT see me as her father. I've never taken on that role with her. Its always "Ryan". Not dad or daddy. I work a lot too. So I am not the home everyday. We get along. I'm not particularly close to her but its not like I hate her. 

The biological father's name is on the birth certificate. Since he is the father. He has not seen her in a long time. When she was younger (like infant aged) he saw her a few times. Hasn't seen her in a decade+. Is not involved in her life. 

I've never tried to take on that role of father. This is my wife's child. She is an awesome mother. I help out financially of course. 

With all due respect this post is not about my wife's child. I'm not sure what the point of this questioning is. 

We aren't having marital troubles per say. Its just very boring and unfulfilling. A child may help with that I think. And I have been in individual counseling and this is something I've sort of come to realize I need. If not with my wife then by myself or with someone else.


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## Maricha75

Member 11 said:


> With all due respect this post is not about my wife's child. I'm not sure what the point of this questioning is.


This is why I asked about your step-daughter:



Member 11 said:


> I haven't asked her yet. *If she says no she doesn't want to... I will be very bitter and angry. Considering I've spent my money on her child*, when I ask about a child if she was to say no it would be very infuriating. I can't imagine her saying no. If she does, I don't know what the reasoning would be.





Member 11 said:


> *We aren't having marital troubles per say. Its just very boring and unfulfilling.* A child may help with that I think. And I have been in individual counseling and this is something I've sort of come to realize I need. If not with my wife then by myself or with someone else.


This contradicts the above:



Member 11 said:


> I would say a long time ago. The last time I felt close to her was ten years ago. *Its been a messy marriage in that I've been repeatedly unfaithful (never caught). She has arguably been unfaithful (since she was intimate with someone else while we were legally married).* Somehow it still works. We are good friends and I can talk to her about things like I can't with anyone else. I think she knows me. She tries to be supportive and I know my marriage could be worse. I am content enough.





Member 11 said:


> I really want a child of my own. I think if it brought us closer, great. If not, same place we are in now except I have a son to raise and focus on. There is like an emptiness to my life right now. I've been trying to figure out what it is and I think it is never having a child of my own.
> 
> I just sort of feel like if we are doing all of the parenting things together its inevitable we will become closer. We'll have something or someone to be a team for.
> 
> 
> If it came to her saying she doesn't want another child, I would leave. I'm certain of it. But I really think she would be open to it. I don't know why she would have any doubts.


Parenting a child together is more likely to bring you close regarding the CHILD, not each other, considering the things you have said about your relationship. But, it is your choice, ultimately. If you think she will agree, then ask her. However, more often than not, in situations you have stated above, it drives a bigger wedge between the parents. Be prepared, either way.


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## Lyris

Why didn't you adopt your wife's child? If you couldn't form a bond with her, why do you think it would be any different with an adopted child? 

Anyway, no, I don't think bringing a child into your marriage will make you closer. Children strain marriages, they don't enhance them.


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## Member 11

Why didn't I adopt that child? 

Too much bad blood with how she was conceived. It wasn't with my support or consent. It would be different because this time I WANT to be a parent. I would have a bond with this potential child. 

So if the choice was to bring a child into this marriage or leave, what would you all suggest?


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## Maricha75

I won't suggest either option, honestly. I would suggest discussing with your wife what has been discussed here, and see where HER mind/heart are.


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## Sbrown

Children strain the strongest marriage and destroy the weaker ones. DO NOT bring an innocent child into your dysfunctional marriage.


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## Maricha75

You know what... I agree with Sbrown. Don't bring a child into this relationship... not at this time. If you and your wife can get things back on track, then revisit the idea. But also... and I know you are going to balk at this... make a real effort with your step-daughter. Think about it. Even if you adopt a child, which will not be yours, biologically, she is going to see you lavish your love on THAT child, and wonder "why was I not good enough for his love?"... First steps... get right with your wife AND your step-daughter. Make the effort with her or there is going to be a LOT of resentment ALL around if there is another child brought into the mix.


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## PBear

Leave, if your options are bringing a child into the relationship or leaving. Your relationship is dysfunctional. The stress of a new child is not likely to "fix" anything. 

C


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## costa200

> Separated 6 months when it happened. We reconciled and then she found out she was pregnant.


Most likely bullcrap... She probably knew already and needed a dad cuz the other dude was probably not daddy material (as confirmed by him not seeing his daughter in years).



> I decided to stay. In retrospect probably the wrong decision but I was younger and *thought it was the right thing to do.*


How did you figure that one out?

Well, this ain't a stable marriage and considering everything i would say it would probably not survive the stress of raising a child.



> So if the choice was to bring a child into this marriage or leave, what would you all suggest?


Neither. Fix the marriage first (new child isn't medicine for this) and then talk about options.


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## golfergirl

Lyris said:


> Why didn't you adopt your wife's child? If you couldn't form a bond with her, why do you think it would be any different with an adopted child?
> 
> Anyway, no, I don't think bringing a child into your marriage will make you closer. Children strain marriages, they don't enhance them.


I agree. If you want a bond with a child, make one with the one who has been in your life all along.
You say you aren't home because of work, you make all these excuses why you can't be a parent to her so why would your next child be any different?
The 'father-son' bond or 'mother-daughter' bonds are highly overrated. I have both sons and a daughter and are just as close with my boys.
Unless planning on adopting an older child, you have years of high stress and thankless 'work' ahead of you before the 'relationship' starts.
And to be perfectly honest, the way you 'dismiss' your stepdaughter (by your own admission), plus the cheating and the admission you'll go in to a bitter pout if you don't get your wish, you sound like a nightmare of a spouse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75

golfergirl said:


> I agree. If you want a bond with a child, make one with the one who has been in your life all along.
> You say you aren't home because of work, you make all these excuses why you can't be a parent to her so why would your next child be any different?
> The 'father-son' bond or 'mother-daughter' bonds are highly overrated. I have both sons and a daughter and are just as close with my boys.
> Unless planning on adopting an older child, you have years of high stress and thankless 'work' ahead of you before the 'relationship' starts.
> And to be perfectly honest, the way you 'dismiss' your stepdaughter (by your own admission), plus the cheating and the admission you'll go in to a bitter pout if you don't get your wish, you sound like a nightmare of a spouse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES YES YES!!!! :iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## golfergirl

Can't imagine why your wife would say no? Well as a 43 year old mom to a 20, 17, and 4 year old as well as a 22 month you, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel with a child at 15, you see freedom and don't want to necessarily start all over. Raising kids is hard work and not everyone is cut out for 30 years of parenting. Especially is she shouldered the hands on parenting for her daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm very sorry your in this position. This woman doesn't sound like she's in a position to raise a second child. I would of left her after the very first cheating incident.

My husband left his first wife because she refused to have children with him. We've been very happily married over 12 years and brought 2 children into our family. He's the best father and role model anyone could ask for.


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## golfergirl

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm very sorry your in this position. This woman doesn't sound like she's in a position to raise a second child. I would of left her after the very first cheating incident.
> 
> My husband left his first wife because she refused to have children with him. We've been very happily married over 12 years and brought 2 children into our family. He's the best father and role model anyone could ask for.


What cheating incident? He cheats on her. They were apart when she got pregnant and he willingly, knowing the situation 'accepted' her back without ever accepting the daughter. I think you misread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

golfergirl said:


> What cheating incident? He cheats on her. They were apart when she got pregnant and he willingly, knowing the situation 'accepted' her back without ever accepting the daughter. I think you misread.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh my, your right. Sorry.

Op, well, I would of left on you if you cheated on me. Scratch that last post. It's early in the morning.:/


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## rj700

Member 11 said:


> Why didn't I adopt that child?
> 
> Too much bad blood with how she was conceived. It wasn't with my support or consent. It would be different because this time I WANT to be a parent. I would have a bond with this potential child.
> 
> So if the choice was to bring a child into this marriage or leave, what would you all suggest?


You said you took her back because it was "the right thing to do". But you were hurt & resentful, so you took that out on the child. A child that was given no choice in how she was conceived. You didn't do the right thing. You did the absolute worst thing you could have done.

You want a bond with a child of your own, but you've shown no parental instincts. Please, please, please....adopt a puppy instead.


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## Hicks

Children are innocent. They do not ask for these screwed up situations to be raised in. The adults around them OWE them a good, normal, happy life. You have demonstrated that you cannot be a decent husband to your wife, and cannot be a decent father to a child raised in your home.... You would be greatly harming another child by bringing them into this "family" you have spent little effort creating.


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## Member 11

> Children are innocent. They do not ask for these screwed up situations to be raised in. The adults around them OWE them a good, normal, happy life. You have demonstrated that you cannot be a decent husband to your wife, and cannot be a decent father to a child raised in your home.... You would be greatly harming another child by bringing them into this "family" you have spent little effort creating.


I wasn't trying with my wife's child. I knew I wasn't the father and I tried to respect that distance. My life was incredibly busy at t the time and her child wasn't my priority. If I had a child now, I would go all in. This would be _mine_. It would be so very different. 



> You said you took her back because it was "the right thing to do". But you were hurt & resentful, so you took that out on the child. A child that was given no choice in how she was conceived. You didn't do the right thing. You did the absolute worst thing you could have done.
> 
> You want a bond with a child of your own, but you've shown no parental instincts. Please, please, please....adopt a puppy instead.


Again, that is not what happened. I have not taken out anything on her child. I'm not her father. Its not my role to play. Guess who pays her private school tuition? Me. Her biological father's intermittent child support does not go far. I've assumed enormous responsibility for that child. I have never abused or mistreated that child. 



> I'm very sorry your in this position. This woman doesn't sound like she's in a position to raise a second child. I would of left her after the very first cheating incident.
> 
> My husband left his first wife because she refused to have children with him. We've been very happily married over 12 years and brought 2 children into our family. He's the best father and role model anyone could ask for.


Technically she hasn't cheated as far as I know. We were separated at the time of conception. It is the height of disrespect to let another man impregnate you while married to someone else, and its damn close to cheating in terms of hurt. I don't know definitively if she has cheated since then. I travel frequently so I wouldn't know to be honest. She sold me when we reconciled that she was remorseful and ashamed and that she would never step out again. 

I haven't been faithful either so its not like I have a right to get on my high horse. 



> Can't imagine why your wife would say no? Well as a 43 year old mom to a 20, 17, and 4 year old as well as a 22 month you, when you see the light at the end of the tunnel with a child at 15, you see freedom and don't want to necessarily start all over. Raising kids is hard work and not everyone is cut out for 30 years of parenting. Especially is she shouldered the hands on parenting for her daughter.


Well, can you understand how that would hurt me? After I've spent tens of thousands (if not hundreds) on some other man's child when I want to have my own, she says No. It would probably be divorce time at that point. We'll see. I am going to talk to her today and I'll see what she says. 



> I agree. If you want a bond with a child, make one with the one who has been in your life all along.


No Thanks

I want a bond with a child I can raise and mold. Someone who looks up to me and sees me as thier father. 

Son or Daughter doesn't matter. I would prefer a son but its not like I would return the child if it was a daughter. 



> But also... and I know you are going to balk at this... make a real effort with your step-daughter. Think about it. Even if you adopt a child, which will not be yours, biologically, she is going to see you lavish your love on THAT child, and wonder "why was I not good enough for his love?"... First steps... get right with your wife AND your step-daughter. Make the effort with her or there is going to be a LOT of resentment ALL around if there is another child brought into the mix.


Please stop bringing up my wife's child. Why would I love a child of mine and not her? Because she is not mine. Simple as that. People love and protect their own. 

My concern is only with myself, my wife, and any potential child. I do not get worked up about her daughter. I doubt she would be jealous. She doesn't feel much towards me as is. 



> Most likely bullcrap... She probably knew already and needed a dad cuz the other dude was probably not daddy material (as confirmed by him not seeing his daughter in years).


I have no illusions as to why she reconciled. There are benefits to staying with me, namely money and security. I did the best I could to put some distance. I never adopted her child. Not on the birth certificate. Biological father ordered to pay child support. 



> How did you figure that one out?
> 
> Well, this ain't a stable marriage and considering everything i would say it would probably not survive the stress of raising a child.


I did need her because soon after I ran for office. Where we live, things like family do matter. So I did get some benefits out of having the appearance of a happy family. 

And I haven't been the best husband. I think other women would have left. I've been emotionally distant and I'm a serial cheater. So its not all on her. I know that.


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## Hicks

By your own admission, the way you have acted makes you not father material. Please, don't adopt anyone. Having a kid does not bring out the best in a person... Quite the opposite.


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## Maricha75

Got it. She's not your kid. Loud and clear. Same thing happened to my dad. His mom was pregnant with him and married another guy. This guy knew the baby wasn't his but while they were married, treated him as if he was. One summer, dad went to visit this man. When he was sent home at the end of the summer, he told my grandmother "he ain't my kid. Never send him here again." He was right, dad wasn't his kid... but he was on the birth certificate. My grandpa was the man who raised him. He knew, going into the marriage, that my dad wasn't his. He wanted to adopt my dad but grandma said no. THAT is a real step-dad. One who will ACCEPT the child, no matter WHO the father is. 

You cheated on your wife, multiple times and were not caught. That is NOT the situation to bring a child into. You have used your wife and step-daughter for your own gains. Yea, your wife gained a lot too. I get that. But this dysfunctional relationship is not something to bring a baby into. And, whether you like it or not, your step-daughter is a big part of this, if you remain married to your wife. But hey, if you get what you want, what difference does it make, right? You won't be pouting and sulking if she gives in to your requests, right? Really, I feel bad for your step-daughter....


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## golfergirl

Member 11 said:


> I want a bond with a child I can raise and mold. Someone who looks up to me and sees me as thier father.
> 
> Son or Daughter doesn't matter. I would prefer a son but its not like I would return the child if it was a daughter.
> 
> 
> 
> Please stop bringing up my wife's child. Why would I love a child of mine and not her? Because she is not mine. Simple as that. People love and protect their own.


An adopted child isn't 'yours' either. I think you are over-romanticizing parenthood. It can be very rewarding but it's a hell of a lot of work. Even if moulding your little protege, they are a free-thinking little person and might not turn out to be the little 'mini-me'
you seem to envision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

Here's MY take - no one has the right to crush any dreams you have. As hard as it is for me to say this, I think your best bet is to divorce your wife if you feel strongly about pursuing parenthood.

Pursuing it with your wife is bound to bring up a LOT of complications...

Just my opinion, though.

Anxious to hear what your wife thinks... Best if luck to you... I've enjoyed your candor and honesty here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

> Got it. She's not your kid. Loud and clear. Same thing happened to my dad. His mom was pregnant with him and married another guy. This guy knew the baby wasn't his but while they were married, treated him as if he was. One summer, dad went to visit this man. When he was sent home at the end of the summer, he told my grandmother "he ain't my kid. Never send him here again." He was right, dad wasn't his kid... but he was on the birth certificate. My grandpa was the man who raised him. He knew, going into the marriage, that my dad wasn't his. He wanted to adopt my dad but grandma said no. THAT is a real step-dad. One who will ACCEPT the child, no matter WHO the father is.


Yes, you have to be willing to be a stepfather in order to be with a woman with kids of her own. Otherwise you shouldn't do it.


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## Member 11

Adoption/Surrogate/IVF all are options. I have to do my research on the latter two. If its at all possible to have a biological child I will go that route. But first I have to either get my wife on board or move on. I understand an adopted child wouldn't be "mine". There is no need to be nasty about it. I want that parent child bond so much. 



> By your own admission, the way you have acted makes you not father material. Please, don't adopt anyone. Having a kid does not bring out the best in a person... Quite the opposite.


With all due respect, that isn't what I was asking. I know I want a child and its something that is very important to me. I wasn't asking your permission or support for that decision. 

I was asking to the people here is should I have that child within my marriage (if possible) or outside of it. 



> You cheated on your wife, multiple times and were not caught. That is NOT the situation to bring a child into. You have used your wife and step-daughter for your own gains. Yea, your wife gained a lot too. I get that. But this dysfunctional relationship is not something to bring a baby into. And, whether you like it or not, your step-daughter is a big part of this, if you remain married to your wife. But hey, if you get what you want, what difference does it make, right? You won't be pouting and sulking if she gives in to your requests, right? Really, I feel bad for your step-daughter...


.

The cheating is just a result of not being connected to my wife. Even if she knew she wouldn't leave me. Its a very mutually beneficial relationship. I've got a lot out of them, them a lot out of me. And I do have a solid core relationship with my wife. 

Please for the love of God stop talking about _my wife's daughter_. She is going to be out of the house in 2 and a half years. She is not a big part of my life. Believe it or not I am not lying about that. I cannot even remember the last serious conversation I had with her. My wife's daughter is FINE. She does well in school, well-adjusted, and seems happy. 

If my wife for whatever reason dared to not go with this then yeah I would leave her. I could leave this marriage without too much pain. It _might_ hurt my career. That would be the only point of concern. But I think its survivable. 

Here's MY take - no one has the right to crush any dreams you have. As hard as it is for me to say this, I think your best bet is to divorce your wife if you feel strongly about pursuing parenthood.



> Here's MY take - no one has the right to crush any dreams you have. As hard as it is for me to say this, I think your best bet is to divorce your wife if you feel strongly about pursuing parenthood.
> 
> Pursuing it with your wife is bound to bring up a LOT of complications...
> 
> Just my opinion, though.
> 
> Anxious to hear what your wife thinks... Best if luck to you... I've enjoyed your candor and honesty here.


Thank you. I feel almost under attack here. I was never asking if I should have a child. That is important to me and I know I need it. So yes, it was totally frustrating to hear people say "don't have a child" or "you can't be a parent". 

I had an affair several years ago with someone who I work with. The affair is over but we both are still close friends. She is mid 30s and I know wants to get married and have a family. I think if I was divorced something could happen there. 

The one thing I have going is I'm not short on money. I can afford to have a child even on my own. I would rather do it with someone but if push comes to shove I can do it myself. 

I'm actually going to go talk to my wife right now. Thanks for the good wishes. I think I'm fine with either answer from her. No, gives me the push to finally move on but would piss me off to no end on just an ego perspective of I've spent so much money on your kid and you say no. If she says yes than we can start looking at our options there. 

I tend to be kind of blunt which gets me in trouble. I'm glad someone can appreciate the total honesty approach.


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## Tikii

Member 11 said:


> With all due respect this post is not about my wife's child. I'm not sure what the point of this questioning is.
> 
> A child may help with that I think.



I disagree, your wife's daughter has a lot to do with this. You are not a father to her, even though you have been there since birth, and she has had no father in her life. Why would an adopted child be any different? How would that make her feel knowing that you didn't want to be a father to her, but you want to bring another child, that is not biologically yours into your life to parent? 

A child shouldn't be used to solve problems. A child shouldn't have that kind of pressure on it. It's unfair to the new baby, and their child already living in your home.


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## Tikii

I also just have to say, that my step father came into my life when I was 15 years old. He married my mom when I was 21, and has been an excellent father to me in those short years. I have a bond with him that couldn't be stronger had he been my own father. Sure we have a different type of relationship, but it's a bond and father/daughter relationship none the less. He is there for me when I need him. 

He calls me his daughter, because he is father material. Blood or not being "his" doesn't stop him from stepping in where my biological father lacks. Why, because he knows that it isn't my fault that my biological father was a deadbeat. Blaming the child is just immature, and FAR from something a "father" should be doing.


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## Maricha75

Member 11 said:


> If my wife for whatever reason dared to not go with this then yeah I would leave her. I could leave this marriage without too much pain. It _might_ hurt my career. That would be the only point of concern. But I think its survivable.


See, this is what gets me. You want to have a child so bad, you don't care who with... and you don't speak like someone who *loves* his spouse. This really makes it sound like all you have is a business arrangement with her.



Member 11 said:


> No, gives me the push to finally move on but would piss me off to no end on just an ego perspective of I've spent so much money on your kid and you say no. If she says yes than we can start looking at our options there.


And leverage: I did this for you, now you owe me. This is the vibe I get from this section. I doubt I am the only one. =/



Member 11 said:


> I had an affair several years ago with someone who I work with. The affair is over but we both are still close friends. She is mid 30s and I know wants to get married and have a family. I think if I was divorced something could happen there.


You are still friends with someone you had an affair with... and you have her in the running in case things don't pan out with your wife. Wow... You know what? This isn't worth my getting banned over. The only thing I will say is please don't bring a child into the dysfunction you have mentioned here. He or she doesn't deserve that. I wish your wife good luck.


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## Member 11

So, I talked it over with my wife. Didn't go over that great. She is concerned I won't have the time to focus on a child. I told her that I would make the time for my child. She thinks she is too old for a baby. She was giving a lot of excuses and just seemed all around not interested in the idea. That was the vibe I got. She asked me if it was really important to me and I lied and told her it didn't matter. There is no point dragging her into this. If she is not interested then she isn't. 

I feel clarity. I know what I have to do. My wife is a reasonable woman so hopefully we can end this quietly and fairly. I honestly do not feel like I "owe" her. We'll see though. I think this step I should have taken a long time ago. 

Maricha, I don't love my wife passionately. I think I've said that before on this thread (or maybe on my first thread). Our marriage is like a business arrangement. She gets financially taken care of and I get the perception of a family. And she is a close friend of mine so I liked having her as a partner. 

Hun, I've had a LOT of affairs. I stopped feeling guilty a long time ago. Our marriage is different than most in that I'm sure that it can survive affairs. I bet my wife almost expects it. So it is not that big of a deal. 

Anyways it looks like a child in this marriage is not going to happen. I'm excited to move on though. I think this dead marriage has taken so much from me. I've wasted my best years with my wife.


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## pidge70

I think it would be fair to say she has wasted quite a few good years with you as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

Not sure if your wife will realize it right from the get-go, but you probably just gave her the best gift ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer*

Why aren't you a parent to "her child" 
You decided to stay yet you seem to have distanced your self from your own family.

If you want to be closer first start with really supporting her and the child you have together, she may be another mans biological child but that doesn't make a dad. I would not be close to nor feel loved and cherished by a man who didn't really take on my children.

It seems like there is a them and you dynamic that isn't very healthy going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer*

Reading more of your posts it seems clear to me that it would be an awful idea for you to embark on parenthood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

So basically, you're willing to be a parent to any other child on the planet, but not the one that's lived with you for the last 16 years? Birthday's and Christmas's must have been a hoot at your place!

I'll stick to my thought that you shouldn't bring another child in your family because it won't fix anything. But apparently you didn't want to listen to any advice that you got in here if it didn't agree with your thoughts.

C


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## Member 11

> I think it would be fair to say she has wasted quite a few good years with you as well.


Perhaps. Its hard to say. She has lived a style of life she never would have without me. And lets not act like she is Miss Innocent. This is a woman who while married to one man became pregnant by another. Looking back, I should have left then. Major regrets about that. 



> Reading more of your posts it seems clear to me that it would be an awful idea for you to embark on parenthood.


Respectfully, go to hell. I am not asking for anyone's opinion on that. My mind is already made up on how important that is to me. 



> So basically, you're willing to be a parent to any other child on the planet, but not the one that's lived with you for the last 16 years? Birthday's and Christmas's must have been a hoot at your place!


Yes. I am not her father and I do not want to be. There is a lot of resentment on my end that she even exists. That is total honesty. Holidays are fine. I do not do much for her. We live separate lives in a lot of ways. My wife's fault, not mine. 

Thanks for all the other perspectives. This has been helpful.


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## Lyris

You do get that it's not your stepdaughter's fault that she exists? 

To resent a child for being born shows an immature, self-centred and frankly neurotic character. And the way you are expressing your desire for a child as a need, and your focus on a son is really concerning.

I'm glad your wife turned you down. She's clearly no prize herself, anyone who would put her child in the position of growing up with a distant, resentful, rejecting father-figure is not going to get my vote for mother of the year.

Just because you want a child doesn't mean you should have one. No-one has the right to a child of their own, children are gifts. 

You've damaged your stepdaughter. Let's hope you don't damage too many other children.


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## YinPrincess

I do agree that you may want to pursue some kind of help first, before embarking on parenthood. It is A LOT of work. If this is something you truly want and need in your heart, then do it... But get the skills to do it RIGHT, and do it FIRST. Take your time - even if it means years, to carefully plan the way you want your child to be raised and brought into this world. I think that some of the people here that you feel are "attacking" you are also doing so with good intention - we all see way too many unwanted and discarded children. 

I don't necessarily agree with your attitudes about your step-daughter, but I can certainly understand them. How many women would feel that sting of resentment if it were their husbands who impregnated someone else? Again - not saying it's "right" but it's certainly and uniquely human, and it's never the child's fault that they are a reminder of something painful... I'll probably get flamed for saying this... But I "get it". 

I also wanted to say that the man I call "dad" is not my bio-father, but he's the best thing that ever happened to me. It took years for us to bond, so perhaps you can work through some of your feelings about your step-daughter. I really think it could only benefit you both. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75

Member 11 said:


> Perhaps. Its hard to say. She has lived a style of life she never would have without me. And lets not act like she is Miss Innocent. This is a woman who while married to one man became pregnant by another. Looking back, I should have left then. Major regrets about that.


Yes, she got pregnant by another man while you were separated. During the separation, I would guess that you were seeing at least one other woman. Am I correct? You can hardly hold her to standards that you, yourself, do not adhere to... unless you are a hypocrite. 





Member 11 said:


> Yes. I am not her father and I do not want to be. There is a lot of resentment on my end that she even exists. That is total honesty. Holidays are fine. I do not do much for her. We live separate lives in a lot of ways. My wife's fault, not mine.
> .


Would you be ok if your wife showed the same resentment toward any child you might have had with one of your affair partners (you have NO idea the restraint it took to keep from saying what I REALLY think)? Would it be ok if she were to ignore, and not even make an effort with, YOUR child... a child she wished never even existed?

No, when a couple (or even a family, no matter how dysfunctional) leading separate lives, it is not solely the fault of one or the other. One may begin it, but the other allows it to happen/keeps it going. You are BOTH at fault for the breakdown of your marriage, no matter what you may think.

I do feel bad for your step-daughter though. She's really the one who gets hurt the most in all of this. I honestly can say that, had you ALLOWED yourself to care for this innocent child, she would have thought of you as her dad... even if she still called you "Ryan". You ARE the father figure in her life, the only one she knows. When she starts looking to get married, I hope she doesn't look for a man who is like the example she had growing up. Money is nothing when it comes to building lasting relationships. I wonder how many times, when she was younger, she just wanted you to hug her and tell her that you love her... damn, I really hope she is able to fin a man who will treat her right... the total opposite of what she has gotten growing up. 

FTR, please do not address me as "hun". I am not your 'hun". The only man, with the exception of my dad, who is allowed to address me using such terms is my husband. Anyone else, it makes me sick.


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## costa200

Not really taking his side but people should back off from that stepdaughter stuff. There is a reason why he did not want to play the father role with her and it's a pretty valid one. He wasn't ready to be a father and his wife got pregnant from another guy during a separation. 

He had no obligation, legal or otherwise to, in my book, play the daddy when he clearly did not want to. I think that he was even nice to economically support the child.

That subject is totally different and apart from this one. I think he is not in a position to be having a kid, biological or not. And it will certainly not do wonders for the marriage. But that opinion is not at all related to the stepdaughter situation. 

It is derived from the fact that i'm a teacher and i'm sick of dealing with kids who were brought to this world for the wrong reasons, into dysfunctional families. 

Having a kid is a huge responsibility and often goes wrong even in the best conditions. And those are in no way met in this case.


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## Hicks

I pray to God no one gives you a child.

Can you please get a dog instead?

What you want is not a valid rationale for anything when it involves another life. Raising a child is all about what you can give, not what you can get. You are not a giver.


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## anotherguy

A child is never a solution to anything besides having a child to care for - serious stuff, and it tends to make everything _*everything*_ harder, not easier. The child should not be saddled with providing you with the 'parent child bond' you are grasping for - that is not the childs job. It is the parents job to give selflessly, not to take greedily - and expectations unfulfilled are going to mean resentment and hurt and conflict and drama and emotional damage all around.

Your line of thinking is all wrong. It, in fact, worries me. I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but your words scream out that you are not ready - nor have the right reasons - for having a child.

I'm glad you are reaching out for advice on this. Think about it. Maybe reach out to someone you know and respect - someone who is your elder that you believe has has success...to talk it through. Nobody wants to see anyone fail at this - the stakes are too high.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Advocado

Member 11 - you may wish to skip this post as it's about your wife's daughter. 

I am relieved to know OP will not be having a child with his wife as that child would be half brother/sister to the wife's daughter. For that daughter to see her sibling treated differently than she was would be difficult for her to say the least. 


The OP and his wife may have voluntarily resigned themselves to their unconventional marriage, but the daughter had no choice in the matter. She didn't have an option to say "yeah, I don't mind growing up with a present but distant father figure."

Whereas I acknowledge the financial benefits the girl has enjoyed over the years, it's probably best at this point that the daughter has a clean break from OP, given the way he feels about her.


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## EnjoliWoman

Poor girl. 15 with no real father of any sort. How would she feel if, after your being her disinterested father figure, you DO adopt and dote on that child... she'll feel she was never good enough - not for Ryan OR for you.

I think you need to grow up yourself first. You are doing the entire family a disservice by staying. Divorce your wife in an amicable way and stay friends (since you say you're good friends) and find someone younger who never had children but whose clock is ticking. This will be your second wife who you will divorce as well.

A child isn't going to fill the void and a child can't come into this world with a "job". It is not a child's job to fix adults' problems.

If you DO want to make your marriage work, get MC and fix that first.


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## golfergirl

costa200 said:


> Not really taking his side but people should back off from that stepdaughter stuff. There is a reason why he did not want to play the father role with her and it's a pretty valid one. He wasn't ready to be a father and his wife got pregnant from another guy during a separation.
> 
> He had no obligation, legal or otherwise to, in my book, play the daddy when he clearly did not want to. I think that he was even nice to economically support the child.
> 
> That subject is totally different and apart from this one. I think he is not in a position to be having a kid, biological or not. And it will certainly not do wonders for the marriage. But that opinion is not at all related to the stepdaughter situation.
> 
> It is derived from the fact that i'm a teacher and i'm sick of dealing with kids who were brought to this world for the wrong reasons, into dysfunctional families.
> 
> Having a kid is a huge responsibility and often goes wrong even in the best conditions. And those are in no way met in this case.


He knowingly accepted the situation with the daughter. He is considering adoption when this child he's been with since day one is emotionally treated poorly.
The fact he thinks he's done wonderful by her is relevant. If that's what he thinks is fine, when he tires of the hard work of raising a child or his 'mini-me' doesn't grow up in his mirror image, he'll let down another child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

Wow - this makes me THRILLED that my BF (who has no children) really enjoys spending time with BOTH of us. He even wants her to come with me to pick him up at the airport in a couple weeks so he can take both of us out to dinner, which he has never done. I love that man for his heart.


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## Member 11

I think this thread has run its course. Thank you for the feedback.


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