# Boundaries: setting, defining, enforcing and when?



## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Boundaries are mentioned often and are a root cause of many relationship and marital issues.

Often it's said "...You didn't have clear boundaries..." or "...You need to set boundaries...". 

Never has it been stated here or elsewhere how to :


Define boundaries (with examples)

At what time in a relationship does one discuss boundaries with a partner? Before something happens?

How do you have a discussion with your partner on boundaries? (Honey, we're going out to dinner and talk about boundaries)

Any feedback with examples would be very helpful, less what to do and more how to do!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

livinfree said:


> Boundaries are mentioned often and are a root cause of many relationship and marital issues.
> 
> Often it's said "...You didn't have clear boundaries..." or "...You need to set boundaries...".
> 
> ...





Boundaries are what you can live with. What do you, as a person, need to live with. To give one example, what level of interaction with members of the opposite sex is appropriate? Nothing without you there? Casual conversations? An occasional lunch with a friend? Activities or one-on-one dealings in close settings? 



> [*]At what time in a relationship does one discuss boundaries with a partner? Before something happens?


At all times, but particularly as you begin dating. Not is a big sit-down (though that might be useful at times) but in a series of conversations where you learn about each other. 

While it would be great to discuss an issue before something happens, it is likely that you will forget and a boundary is breached, so you will need to discuss it after it occurs.



> [*]How do you have a discussion with your partner on boundaries? (Honey, we're going out to dinner and talk about boundaries)



Sometimes, that will be what it takes. Other times it occurs naturally - you discuss what happened to another couple and extrapolate that to your relationship and how you would each react.

Been married 15 years and we still touch on boundaries in our discussions.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

An example of a boundary might be: It is okay to meet an opposite sex friend in public, but it is never okay to meet them in private unless your spouse is along.

Discussing and setting boundaries is an ongoing conversation. It is best to establish some boundaries early on - usually the first boundary is deciding to be exclusive and agreeing on what that means in terms of behavior and other expectations.

Whenever a new situation arises - something we've seen with a friend, or on TV, or read about - we'll usually talk about how we feel about that situation, how we'd handle it, what we hope the outcome would be, and what would upset us. So, it's an ongoing and ever-changing _mutual understanding_.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

livinfree said:


> Boundaries are mentioned often and are a root cause of many relationship and marital issues.
> 
> Often it's said "...You didn't have clear boundaries..." or "...You need to set boundaries...".
> 
> Never has it been stated here or elsewhere how to :


Actually TAM has had several threads explaining boundaries ...

And there is also a ton of information on the internet., the library, counselling sessions, books, talk shows, etc..


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Livin, this book is a great source of info. You can get it at your library for fee (or the bookstore...for a fee). 

Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend: 9780310243144: Amazon.com: Books


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Define boundaries: Areas that make you uncomfortable in a relationship. Examples: No third parties in marriage; no calling/texting me at work every ten minutes; no inviting guests over without checking with me first. Whatever gets you riled up needs to have a boundary.

You discuss your hard & fast boundaries at the get-go. Got a thing against porn? Spit it out. Don't want to financially support the other? Make it clear. Other boundaries come into play as the behavior manifests.

Wouldn't advise making a date to discuss 'boundaries'. I can feel the palms sweating from here. Don't hit them with all 58 (19, 72 etc) boundaries you've been saving up at once. Address each one at the time you need to address it. The longer the dating stage lasts, the more the need for boundaries will be revealed.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

livinfree said:


> Boundaries are mentioned often and are a root cause of many relationship and marital issues.
> 
> Often it's said "...You didn't have clear boundaries..." or "...You need to set boundaries...".
> 
> ...


Livin,

I like the Cloud and Townsend book, Jelly recommend. 
I also used NMMNG for myself. 
Yet I found this in the works of Al Turtle from another site (MA). It was helpful to understand and enact. You'll find boundaries in the list about mid page. 
Al Turtle's Relationship Wisdom


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> Boundaries in Marriage: Henry Cloud, John Townsend:


I loved this book (well I had the original -before the marriage one came out).. one of the best I've ever read..I lent it out to a friend yrs ago & never got it back though.

The authors write from a Christian perspective...why it speaks of spiritual boundaries in this write up...(from the original book)



> Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
> 
> Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives:
> 
> ...


This one is also available >> 
Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships:


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I can the hard part is defining what is appropriate in a marriage because there are so many variable opinions of what is "appropriate" Or what is not. Except if there is a clear cut and dry case where a line is crossed where most people can agree on.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> So, it's an ongoing and ever-changing _mutual understanding_.


This is a critical point. A relationship (and the world around it) does not stay constant. Things change. When I got married, there was no Facebook. That development has meant conversations about what is appropriate.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

Livinfree--------- Worried about boundaries, bad name. If your thinking about boundaries now it's far to late. Your discussions should always be constant and regular. There are always thing that you just will not do to be true to yourself, but then there are things that your significant other likes and it does not both you and likewise. It all comes down to what kind of boundaries you are concerned with as well: there are the most obvious such as sexual, then there are those that relate to emotions or physical actions and behavior. In short, talk always in the proper place you don't want to talk about sex in public at dinner, but on the way home in the car, sure why not?
As a general rule though you really don't want to use the word "boundaries" because that tends to be a big red flag that says STOP, OUT OF BOUNDS. etc. and this is not a discussion it is Rule making. Further rule making after being in a relationship is like making changes after the fact. Maybe a better approach would be likes and dislikes, saying something like "honey I really don't like this or that 'whatever' and maybe something different would be Nicer". Change the word boundaries that really will improve matters.


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

The topic of boundaries is at best a touchy subject for me. I feel as though My Wife is someone who would need to have boundaries or Hard and Fast Rules about what irks me when it comes to certain things. Question is can both spouses have some sort of understanding of why these boundaries are put in place? My Wife tells me that I did what I did because I was paranoid she was going to have an affair. Little did she know that she was pretty much dating the OM which is why I put a stop to it. She will never admit to anyone she had an EA. She would text the OM late at night...they took photos at night which was killing me inside...she thought these things were fine to do because she said they were friends. She would text the OMW also but I could tell the texts had a "different feel" when she would text him. She would include a large amount of smiley faces in her texts. 

What I feel the one thing people don't do when it comes to boundaries is finding out what the other person does and doesn't like "BEFORE" they decide to do something. If I was asked by anyone while at work and they were female if I would like to go to lunch, I would like to say yes but I also have to stop and think what My Wife would think of the activity. This would prompt me to say "no thanks" and excuse myself from the situation. I think this is what separates some people from others, that initial decision whether or not the other person would like or dislike what you are about to say yes to. We all have to take that mental step back and decide what the other person would think in a split second and to take an objective look at how we would feel in the opposite situation. 

My situation was different in the sense that I said yes to the initial activity and then when I felt it was infringing on my marriage I thought it was best to put a stop to it. My Wife hated that I did that and she made it known plenty of times. I've had a very hard time with what I did in her view because she was effectively told to end this friendship after being told she could pursue it. It went too far for my liking and I had to do a lot of backtracking because of it. It's still tense when the topic is broached but I always stand firm!


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## hasekmpp (Oct 31, 2013)

It is okay to meet an opposite sex friend in public, but it is never okay to meet them in private unless your spouse is along.


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

I totally agree with the meeting in public thing however I still think a spouse should be there. It seems that moments and shared things can still happen at the coffee shop when other people are there. MW wanted to be able to take Dance Lessons and go for all night photo taking sessions with her Male Friend..who is married BTW!!!


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

What I am finding about the boundaries I have set or told MW about is that she seems to think these are boundaries that I have somehow "made up". Like just out of the blue I came up with these rules for how she should behave. 


She didn't seem to think she had to consult me if she chose to pursue an interest, and that it was another man that she wished to do it with. She had these blurred lines between her female friend and her husband and didn't seem to be able to differentiate the two when it came to how I felt about it. I told her time and time again that I often felt that she valued her friendship more than our marriage and that she valued the companionship more with him than with me.

I even tried to get MW to read articles that dealt with the pitfalls of opposite sex friendships and how they can easily turn into more when you least expect it and how they always start as friends. I told her that she wouldn't even know what was happening until it was way too late. She seemed to think it was just her male friend I had the concerns with but I told her it was "all men" and that boundaries have to exist for a reason and that was to prevent situations where anything could even remotely occur. The whole "better safe than sorry" motto was always meant for a reason and I believe it was to prevent situations such as these from happening.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Lilliy Daddy,

I think there is a little confusion here. Boundaries are not rules you make up for your spouse. They are the boundaries of what YOU are willing to accept. You can't tell your wife what to do. You can only tell her the boundries of what is acceptable to you. There must be consequences for violating a boundry and that may include divorce. (Boundaries without consequences are nothing)


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I have boundaries for myself. If I wouldn't be okay with my husband doing something, I don't do it. If I wouldn't be comfortable with him reading or hearing what I wrote or said, I don't write or say it.

For me it's pretty simple.

It's interesting, I replied on a thread in social basically saying I thought all the flirting, sexual banter and commenting on pics was dangerous and was pretty well howled down. Then one day later we have a massive troll thread with someone being well and truly drawn in because of poor online boundaries.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It seems the hardest part about boundaries is convincing your partner about the benefit of observing them.

Before I found TAM, I would see articles about EAs, but they were always written from the POV of the reader being in an EA and how to end it. 

So what do you do when your partner is in an EA or engaging in behavior that could lead to one?

that is the wild card that we always have to deal with.

One piece of advice that I've experienced twice in my life now, that is, that a woman never has as much power with her partner than when he is trying to move her onto marriage. In both situations, when I could see an inappropriate relationship, my partner was more than happy to put a lid on that relationship.

In my failed marriage, my exH seemed to be pushing the boundaries with other women just a little too often. Maybe not even so much as an EA, but inappropriate for sure, allowing other women to marginalise and diss me while they seem to have a one to one relationship with my husband. Also leads me to believe that men love drama as much as we women do........


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

KanDo said:


> Lilliy Daddy,
> 
> I think there is a little confusion here. Boundaries are not rules you make up for your spouse. They are the boundaries of what YOU are willing to accept. You can't tell your wife what to do. You can only tell her the boundries of what is acceptable to you. There must be consequences for violating a boundry and that may include divorce. (Boundaries without consequences are nothing)


I get your point but how do you just up and change your mind about what you all of a sudden consider to be a boundary breaking action when you've basically told your spouse that what they are doing is all of a sudden now unacceptable? See for me what I should have done was simply said no to the activities my wife was engaging in from the very beginning. I said yes out of guilt and that was my initial error. It was so difficult to all of a sudden just say " I changed my mind" and just expect someone to accept that. That's been my biggest challenge with My Wife, getting her to see that the activities I observed were breaking the personal boundaries I had set. They evolved into what she considered to be "rules" of some sort. They came across that way to her because all of a sudden she was being told that she wasn't allowed to do things, or that I wasn't comfortable with what she was doing. It made it always seem like I was basically parenting her but really I was just trying to make her see how I was feeling.

How does one spouse make the other see that the personal boundaries they hold close to their moral center are the ones they should both share together in order to preserve the integrity of the marriage?


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