# Ethical Standards



## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

If any of you have read my posts, you know my situation. Following a short affair (1 month) my wife confessed and began to go to therapy/counseling. The 'therapist", advised my wife to continue to keep information about the affair from me, saying that if she (wife ) told me the complete truth , we would definitely be divorcing. The continued deceit prayed on my wife's mind to the point that she went to our Pastor for confirmation. He was shocked at the "therapist's", attitude and told my wife to immediately tell me ALL of the truth. WE are now in the process of reconciling, with a new therapist, but my wife is terribly angry at the original one and wants to know if she has any legal recourse against such unprofessional behavior. She asked me if we can sue the therapist or if they belong to a professional group that polices their conduct, that we can report the therapist to, for ethical violations. Any info would be appreciated.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

That's an interesting question. Had the therapist breeched patient confidentiality, it would be a clear violation. Bad advice? My first counselor was certainly guilty of that too, but whether it violated ethical standards.....

I'm now having to seek similar advice on an attorney anyway. Perhaps ask the current therapist about this. I had to ask another attorney about how to resolve attorney ethics violations. Another therapist should know the rules and proper protocol.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Thanks for your reply. I did talk a little to the "new", counselor about the "old", one and she was reticent to say much, but did say that the "old" therapist was not well-thought-of. Some of her opinions smacked of "drumming up business". She said that my wife was borderline suicidal, which was definitely not true. My wife expressed doubt whether she could live without me or with the guilt, but NEVER said that she was contemplating doing herself in. My wife also specifically asked her if my wife should tell me the complete truth about the affair, and the therapist said that it would be more harmful than helpful and that evasion was the best course to follow , if we were to have a chance at reconciliation. I asked the therapist about this and she said she felt that the less I knew, the less I would have to forgive. My wife was in a distraught frame of mind and felt that the therapist knew best. When she (wife) talked with our Pastor, she realized that the therapist was less concerned about my wife and her marriage and more concerned about my ability to pay for "long -term counseling".


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Dow, here’s my 2c. Your wife was instinctively driven to tell you the truth. Her therapist said don’t do that. Your wife went to her pastor to seek a second opinion. She agreed with the pastor because that was what she was instinctively driven to do, tell you/the truth.

Rejoice in you wife’s instinct to tell you the truth. I really mean that. Kind of like say a prayer of a very big thank you. The Truth is a real blessing.

Forget the therapist. She’s history. Send the pastor a nice thank you note signed by both of you.

Bob
PS: If your wife cannot forgive the therapist then just maybe that will give your wife a little understanding of why you struggle to forgive her.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I agree with you, Bob. After getting the whole story, from my wife, the therapist and our Pastor, it has gone a long way to stopping me from divorcing , and repairing my trust in her. I DO believe that she truly wanted to tell me everything, but took some bad advice. Yes, after my wife's talk with our pastor, my wife called the therapist from my In_laws house and gave her a pretty good earfull, as did the Pastor, and as did I. But I'm betting my language was more colorful than theirs.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Move on, the 1st therapist might have given bad advice (in some people's eyes) but to others it might have been the right advice. It'll turn into a he said/she said ordeal and then both sides will have to hire professionals to argue who was right.

In the end you probably won't be able to prove that the 1st therapist was doing anything malicious to hurt your wife and both sides will just have to eat a huge attorney bill.

Unless you can get her to confess that she did not give sound advice to help keep the sessions going on longer to make more money you will not win. And I'm pretty sure the therapist did not point a weapon at your wife and say that she could not tell you what happened either.

There are no set rules saying that for infidelity the therapist has to make the cheater tell everything, it's all a matter of prospective and no 2 people will give the same advice ever.

At least you've found a therapist you're both comfortable with now and are working on the marriage, that is the more important thing right now.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

I agree CH. It's more my wife who is furious, because it made her look like she was still lying, when she was truly trying to do the right thing. She has never been to counseling before and was distraught and believed what she was told. Bottom line, the therapist viewed my wife as a client to make money from, and used methods that she had used before, without relating to my wife's individual needs. There is no formula for therapy.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tell your wife to get over the therapist and to focus on the marriage. The therapist screwed up, but it was your wife who screwed around. Don't let allow her focus to shift the blame from herself to the therapist (She could do this to protect herself). Blame shifting cannot be tolerated, whether it is you, the OM, or the therapist.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> Tell your wife to get over the therapist and to focus on the marriage. The therapist screwed up, but it was your wife who screwed around. Don't let allow her focus to shift the blame from herself to the therapist (She could do this to protect herself). Blame shifting cannot be tolerated, whether it is you, the OM, or the therapist.


I agree with you, IFTD, and my wife has said the same thing. She fully realizes that the therapist's advice was , in no way, a mitigating factor, but is very angry, as much at herself as at the counselor.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Just throwing a possible curve ball here... Perhaps it was your wife who insisted on keeping quiet and is blaming the therapist because of the time span between the affair and its revelation.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi Dow, Unlikely you will have a case. My wife's therapist (at her rehab), told her that if I will never find out the details and it will not help the relationship to come clean, then don't. Also, to quote from AA's steps (and other 12 step programs), step 9 says to "make direct amends to such people...except when to do so would injure them or others."
Last night my wife revealed more to her infidelity. (very similar to your situation). This took her several months to "come clean". I feel as though I'm starting the healing process all over again. While I don't agree with the therapist, I probably couldn't handle the truth if it was told to me months ago and would have divorced. We've healed since then and I'm farther along and better able to handle the new information.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Just throwing a possible curve ball here... Perhaps it was your wife who insisted on keeping quiet and is blaming the therapist because of the time span between the affair and its revelation.


No Chris, I got the info from the therapist, herself. She freely admitted that in her opinion, the least said , the soonest mended.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Hi Dow, Unlikely you will have a case. My wife's therapist (at her rehab), told her that if I will never find out the details and it will not help the relationship to come clean, then don't. Also, to quote from AA's steps (and other 12 step programs), step 9 says to "make direct amends to such people...except when to do so would injure them or others."
> Last night my wife revealed more to her infidelity. (very similar to your situation). This took her several months to "come clean". I feel as though I'm starting the healing process all over again. While I don't agree with the therapist, I probably couldn't handle the truth if it was told to me months ago and would have divorced. We've healed since then and I'm farther along and better able to handle the new information.


I'm different, Workingitout,  For me , if she had not come clean, totally, I would have divorced her. She also knows that if I ever find out anything else, that she hasn't told me about, already, It will probably end the marriage. Honesty means everything to me.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> Hi Dow, Unlikely you will have a case. My wife's therapist (at her rehab), told her that if I will never find out the details and it will not help the relationship to come clean, then don't. Also, to quote from AA's steps (and other 12 step programs), step 9 says to "make direct amends to such people...except when to do so would injure them or others."
> Last night my wife revealed more to her infidelity. (very similar to your situation). This took her several months to "come clean". I feel as though I'm starting the healing process all over again. While I don't agree with the therapist, I probably couldn't handle the truth if it was told to me months ago and would have divorced. We've healed since then and I'm farther along and better able to handle the new information.


I'm different, Workingitout, For me , if she had not come clean, totally, I would have divorced her. She also knows that if I ever find out anything else, that she hasn't told me about, already, It will probably end the marriage. Honesty means everything to me.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Hi Dow, I agree with you that honest means everything! That has been my core believe in my relationship. I've been w/ my wife for 25 years, married for 16. What I came to understand is that I never made it safe for my wife to be honest with me. (like your wife being unable to talk about her fertility issues) This was a bad year for my wife. She felt like she was a bad wife, bad mother, bad friend to her friends, depressed, etc. She began using alcohol, pot and various pills. She acted in a way that was very unlike her. When I committted to see her get well, I committed for the long term. As long as she didn't cheat again, I would stand by her. She reassures me every day. She is transparent, texts me often, writes me cards to tell me how she feels and is excited to be with me. Read as many books on infidelity as you can. It will help you understand why someone steps out and what role you played in it. We are in Imago therapy. I would highly recommend you look up an Imago therapist for couples councelling. Our marriage has gone from average to great in 5 months! I still struggle with the affair stuff several times a day and stay up at night, but I've separated it into "then" and "now moving forward". I've also done inner child work to help me understand why it's so hurtful to me. There is hope. Time should help. One of the books says that 80 percent of all marriages will have infidelity. The most conservative book suggested that 20 percent will cheat. Today, my wife said that she never felt good after her "indescressions". She felt worse afterwards. Sounds similar to your wife. At least you have that going for you. If it's any consellation (and not meant to insult you by minimizing your pain), your wife wasn't in love with the guy, it wasn't long term, she doesn't want to maintain a relationship with him, she wants you and only you, she is willing, she will work on herself and your marriage.... My 2 therapists tell me (and the books I've read affirm this), that an affair can either end a marriage or make it better than it's ever been. It's a true wake-up call on how you must work on yourself and the marriage every day. Of all of the posts I've read hear, I can truly relate to your situation and pain. I wish you luck on your journey.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Dowjones said:


> If any of you have read my posts, you know my situation. Following a short affair (1 month) my wife confessed and began to go to therapy/counseling. The 'therapist", advised my wife to continue to keep information about the affair from me, saying that if she (wife ) told me the complete truth , we would definitely be divorcing. The continued deceit prayed on my wife's mind to the point that she went to our Pastor for confirmation. He was shocked at the "therapist's", attitude and told my wife to immediately tell me ALL of the truth. WE are now in the process of reconciling, with a new therapist, but my wife is terribly angry at the original one and wants to know if she has any legal recourse against such unprofessional behavior. She asked me if we can sue the therapist or if they belong to a professional group that polices their conduct, that we can report the therapist to, for ethical violations. Any info would be appreciated.


Please tell me your joking! Please..........half of what is wrong with this great country is lawsuits this, gimme money that, I feel pain, mental anguish I need money.

I'm sorry I'm floored at the thought you would attempt to sue someone for literally what is "opinion" and "advice from that opinion". I would hate to see what happened if you weren't diagnosed just absolutely perfectly by a doctor or a car accident that left the slightest pain your neck.

Good luck in your reconciliation.


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