# RESENTMENT- Sexual /Emotional etc - how it robs us of the intimacy we crave the most



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do you have unresolved Resentment in your life >>>> Resentment Test 









...........Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer..........

Resentment often functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off communication between the resentful person & their spouse who they feel wronged them, which often results in future miscommunications & the development of further building of a resentment wall. Because of the consequences they carry, resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Resentment is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral relations among persons, and must be handled and expunged via introspection and forgiveness.

*MOST COMMON ISSUES FACED BY COUPLES*:


> “Not Tonight Dear” Why Couples Stop Having Sex (and what you can do about it)
> 
> *1*. Anger and resentment in the relationship
> *2*. Mediocre or boring sex
> ...


 3 Steps to release yourself from Resentment

If you are dealing with Resentment that is stealing from your marraige, taking a direct hit on your sex drive, please share your story... (mine to follow shortly)....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Our story of discovery....and Overcoming.....

Me & my husband have always had a wonderful marraige ....or so I thought. I was blindsided to learn 3 yrs ago, he was silently suffering over wanting more SEX...for yrs....(He says he was happy about everything else....his words "we had the kids")... he never once started a fight with me, never sat me down, only asked for a Hand job *once* in 19 yrs (he told me later how difficult it was to even ask me... I remember that morning even) ......but yet *resentment* was slowly festering under the surface. How could I be that [email protected]#$%^&*. Our frequency -at least once a week without fail, I needed it that much & I did initiate over the years... I did not understand the urgency of the male sex drive (like many young women). 

We were closer than most, did EVERYTHING together, the affection was there on his part, near every night I lay my head on his lap, we'd watch movies together, he happily ran his fingers through my hair, scratched my back. Who would think he was not a happy guy!  

There will always be some issues to lead up to these things...our "monkey wrenches" were...we never openly talked about our sexual needs/ desires... too taboo/ embarrassment -- looking back- this should have been overcome early on...the gravest of our mistakes .....I was Repressed more than the average woman & he was more Passive than your average man ....a very bad mix for unexperienced uneducated Lovers...


Add to this yrs of trying to conceive...I had many worries on my mind.... the "scheduled sex" was hard on him.... this started the telling him to "wait" / rejecting on my part...so it began....him putting himself down for me......then TOO many babies in a short span of time... I was overwhelmed with Thankfulness..... I was cuddling them in bed , one after the other..... DUMB:banghead: DUMB :banghead: DUMB :banghead:, he never said a word ! .....but as he lay there, he silently wanted me to feel the pain he was feeling very strongly, wanting more affection, more holding, more making love. 

To his credit.... He did try to talk to me once.... stupidly I took what he said in a different context, the heart of his words being lost to me.... I can't believe I was so dumb, a misunderstanding, he didn't revisit that conversation and here is where he started feeling less loved. 

We've learned from our mistakes, I haven't met a couple yet who have missed each other as pathetically as we did... I was thinking his sex drive was low.... He was thinking mine was ! Here I took matters into my own hands many nights after he fell asleep feeling he wouldn't want woke up (this was much too taboo to talk about -YIKES!)... and he never masterbated --but waited for me! We were both shocked -when we finally learned of these things -me opening up the dialog -3 yrs ago!! 

How could this have happened to [email protected]#$%^&

So Resentment stole something very very precious from us..... it stole my husband's creativity, his passion, some of his most vibrant yrs, it even took a hit on his sex drive for me towards the end.....never enough for him to reject me though- he wanted too! ....I do recall some hesitation on his part....but he was jumping inside every time I came for him saying "come on baby, I need you" ....another reason I was oblivious to what was boiling under the surface. Amazingly, even in the midst of all of this ....we still felt the emotional connection very strongly when we were together.... I don't think that was ever lost. 

Coming into my sex drive with a vengenge... Saved us, set us on a new path ... blasted all of this wide open- once & for all....We both see our parts in the breakdown and have forgiven each other...from the heart.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I can certainly feel the resentment building.

Like your husband, I am pretty passive (sometimes passive-aggressive unfortunately). As you know her sex drive went to pretty much zero about 7-8 years ago. I attributed a lot of it to having 3 young children, me losing my job at the time, moving back to the area, etc. I figured it would eventually come back.

It hasn't. I have been VERY vocal about my needs/desires and it just doesn't seem to sink in. I always got a little moody/depressive about it but now I feel anger sinking in and it is affecting things outside of the bedroom.

I have always been proud to have her as my wife. She is a great wife and mother but now I can feel anger seeping into unrelated stupid things that I would have blown off and I really don't like it.

I also now find myself craving the attention of other women that I never really did before. Sure, it is always nice for someone to notice you but now it is almost like I need it... 

And for those of you women reading this, no I am no saint and I am sure I have much to do with it. I have low self-esteem already (which is a turn-off, I know) and I can tend to be a bit depressive (which can be a drain for her to deal with). However, I am also pretty easy going and strive to be a good husband and father...


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

Resentment from sexual refusal is VERY hard to deal with--in particular since I'm a high drive man with a love language of physical touch. My wife is very, very cold sexually (as it turns out she was molested as a child, she knew it all along, but refused to tell me for 23 years). She stopped having intercourse with me in year 5 of our marriage, we "fooled around", but no intercourse for 18 years.

She was all too happy to fool around every 10-15 days. I was not!!! Every other day would have been more like it for my speed. AND I wanted intercourse!!!! Of course!!!

First, I felt rejected, then hurt, then angry, then resentment set in (resentment is long term, undealt with anger in my book). It killed almost every other aspect of our relationship. I sat her down no less than 6 times a year and explained that "this just isn't cutting it for me." I would explain over and over again why I needed sex. The emotional need, the physical need to release, to connect with her etc. I was told I "had a problem" and that "all wives complain that all you men want is sex."

I remember one time a "talk" we were having. My wife LOVES affection (non-sexual) likes hugs, snuggling etc. (which she got PLENTY of believe me--for quite a few years anyway!!!). But, due to her rejections I was always wanting more, of course (wanting it to lead to sex is what I mean).

Anyway, I told her that she was "weird" for needing so much "attention" like hugging, snuggling. I told her that all the men I talked to said the same thing about women--that they are just too clingy. I told her that her family had a problem because they like to hug all the time. I said they were "perverts" (something she called me for wanting sex).

She looked at me like I was from Mars...then I drove the point home. "Sex is NORMAL. REGULAR SEX is normal. So is hugging, but if I don't meet your needs, guess how you are going to feel? If I reject you, give you a hug only once very 10-14 days, how do you think you will like that? How about if I call you a pervert for wanting more than what I am willing to give you?"

Of course, at this time I didn't know her CSA history.

My point is that resentment caused me to be very angry and to come across to her in increasingly angrier tones as the resentment built and built.

That's the real danger of resentment. I still have a lot of it for her not telling me when I first brought up the issue of lack of sex in our marriage.

Gradually, I just withdrew more and more from her. I was very open about why I was doing this. She complained constantly about my "absence" in our marriage, but I would counter that she was sexually absent and "checked out" and I couldn't take the rejection any more and it was easier for me to just work then to come home to a wife that constantly rejected me.

I started taking separate vacations, refusing to take her with me. I would go fishing with my brother, or go visit my folks. She was very hurt by this, again, I was trying to drive home a point. 

Every once in a while she would make grand promises to change, but she almost never followed though, or she would once or twice then say, "See, I'm doing what you want." Then it was right back to the same old-same old.

I'm still dealing with resentment. Right now she is very, very stalled out in her healing process. She quit counseling back in August and hasn't made any noticeable progress since then. 

It seems she has to be backed into a corner to and FORCED to take steps forward or she is just content to sit there and let things be as they are. 

The only reason she finally told me of her CSA was because she was convinced I was going to dump her. How sad!!! What a poor reason to want to change. This is also the ONLY reason she finally started having intercourse with me again. She claimed she "couldn't" for all those years, but, when she believed I was leaving her, all of the sudden she could.

I think I would be much less resentful if she would make steady progress. That's the hard part for me right now.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

That is where I have a bit of a different problem. My wife shuns my physical touch (other than hello/gnight hugs/kisses and occasionally holding hands). So any other type of touch she takes as me wanting sex (which, of course, would be nice).

And I make matters worse by groping all the time...


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

You know, I've said and I think it's very true. Everything men do from pre puberty onwards centers around getting laid. Here's what I mean.

A man isn't going to get laid if he doesn't have a job, treat women right, be a father, romance women, is dependable, responsible, etc. it's biology driving us to be the best we can be to attract a mate. Ladies fall in love with us as men, then they seem to be unsatisfied once the ring goes on the finger. Guess men in captivity aren't as desirable :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

it seems that resentment is provoked when partners don't value things equally. 

At one time I resented my husband because he does not consistently remember to do chores. I have to remind him. Plus I have more responsibility for keeping up with the family calender. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember everything.

I had an epiphany of sorts. Since he always does what I ask and he is not purposely forgetting, I no longer waste time resenting him for this. 

I consider it minor and a part of accepting him as a person. He does not do it on purpose, he just he just cannot keep a bunch of things in his head like i can. 

The reason I let go was because I read that some men think in a liner ration due to the influence of testosterone on brain developement. he could take estrogen pills to become more feminine but I value his man parts too much.

I think a lot of resentment is due to a lack of awarenes and acceptance of the differences between the sexes. Things that concern one gender does not concern the other. 

Also, misinterpreting things negatively with out asking is another problem I think . I told my husband about his brain  and that I had resented himin the past but will not any more. 

We both have a good sense of humor and he is not as reactive as I am so that really helps us negotiate conflict. 

I also told him I will still get pissed to deal with the frustration but I will not hold it against him. 

I was shocked that he actually changed and now remembers about 80% of the time. 

I asked him about the change and he said that the chores are at the top of his list now because he knows that it is important to me. 

What a guy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is often difficult to deal with differences in approach and gender differences when living in close quarters. 

This may seem disconnected but I think that men who think that every problem they have in the relationship is due to feminism giving women the right to refuse to do what they don't want, women using sex to manipulate or the belief that a woman should please her man sexually even if he considers her need as unimportant. 

The vitriol is said out of anger and resentment. However, what if they are wrong about the motivations? What if they assume the best and ask their wives and listen? 

What if they accepted that women are different and they need to adjust their aproach to have a successful relationship. 

If that is considered jumping through hoop and blaming men of course resentment ensues. But suppose these men accepted that part of being in a relationship requires adjustment to their partner? 

Women have equal the amount of work to do but I am leaving them out in this post. Maybe one of the guys will tell it from their side a lot better than I can. 

Hope this does not seem unfair because it is not my intent.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> it seems that resentment is provoked when partners don't value things equally.
> 
> At one time I resented my husband because he does not consistently remember to do chores. I have to remind him. Plus I have more responsibility for keeping up with the family calender. It takes a lot of mental energy to remember everything.
> 
> ...


Not taking out the trash and the need to be sexual with your spouse is not going to be the same to the needy person. Pretty sure no one has a biological need to take the trash out. Having said that, everyone's needs no matter how small should be taken care of by the other person in the relationship. Forsaking all others means you accepted responsibility for them, in return they don't go elsewhere. One can argue who forsook whom when sex/intimacy breaks down. Regardless, it needs to be taken seriously because it is!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> Not taking out the trash and the need to be sexual with your spouse is not going to be the same to the needy person. Pretty sure no one has a biological need to take the trash out. Having said that, everyone's needs no matter how small should be taken care of by the other person in the relationship. Forsaking all others means you accepted responsibility for them, in return they don't go elsewhere. One can argue who forsook whom when sex/intimacy breaks down. Regardless, it needs to be taken seriously because it is!


I am sorry for your troubles and I agree that your need is very painful when it is not being met. 

However, I don't think you got the what I am saying. From your post, you feel that sex is a biologic need. i don't agree. Sex is not like eating or drinking when you are hungry and thirsty. 

Those are needs that you cannot do without and therefore are biologic. Moreover, they don't require anyones cooperation. 

You are right about the trash, but I would argue leaving trash around may be hazardous to your health. It may not kill yiou but it could make you sick. 

Many people view sex as a choice to bond with someone they love and make it a mutually satisfying experience. It does require the willing cooperation of another person. 

People go through periods in their lives when a partner is not available and they don't die. I don't think that describes a biologic need. 

If sex were a biologic need then masturbation should do, don't you think. It requires no ones cooperation just like eating. 

If you view sex as an activity to be engaged in under the threat of cheating, that is not love is it? 

I don't think that a spouse denying sex because they are resentful will buy this argument. They may respond to a change in your view of sex. 

I think it is better to frame sex with your partner as an act of love with a willing partner that you pay some attention outside as well as inside the bedroom. 

You partners needs to work too but she is not here and she did not write what to me is not a good way of viewing sex. She may have her own faulty ideas but she is not here to say.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> I am sorry for your troubles and I agree that your need is very painful when it is not being met.
> 
> However, I don't think you got the what I am saying. From your post, you feel that sex is a biologic need. i don't agree. Sex is not like eating or drinking when you are hungry and thirsty.


Thanks. No one is more sorry than I am. 

The drive to procreate which is what sex is for is written into the DNA of both sexes. Every species has the desire to procreate and selects mates based on characteristics that matter to the other. Will someone die without sex, no. Whether someone dies is not what makes something biological or unnecessary. We humans add emotions and the capacity to bond through/with sex to one person. If the wild animals who don't have this dimension to their biological clock are "sex crazy", how much more are humans with a capacity to love and desire ONE person only going to be? To me, the physical and emotional connection through sex is like no other experience I've had. No drug or high comes close. Granted I've never done hard drugs but I can't imagine the feelings with them are as satisfying as a spiritual/physical/emotional connection, becoming one person from two. Yeah this guy cares a hell of a lot more than a quickie or an occasional charity poke after I explode in anger from years of neglect. Most guys feel like I do if they are even remotely in touch with their feelings. It's a curse when I feel like I do and the one I made a promise to forsake all others for has forsaken me.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> Thanks. No one is more sorry than I am.
> 
> The drive to procreate which is what sex is for is written into the DNA of both sexes. Every species has the desire to procreate and selects mates based on characteristics that matter to the other. Will someone die without sex, no. Whether someone dies is not what makes something biological or unnecessary. We humans add emotions and the capacity to bond through/with sex to one person. If the wild animals who don't have this dimension to their biological clock are "sex crazy", how much more are humans with a capacity to love and desire ONE person only going to be? To me, the physical and emotional connection through sex is like no other experience I've had. No drug or high comes close. Granted I've never done hard drugs but I can't imagine the feelings with them are as satisfying as a spiritual/physical/emotional connection, becoming one person from two. Yeah this guy cares a hell of a lot more than a quickie or an occasional charity poke after I explode in anger from years of neglect. Most guys feel like I do if they are even remotely in touch with their feelings. It's a curse when I feel like I do and the one I made a promise to forsake all others for has forsaken me.


Phantom 
I have read so many situation on this forum from men who feel that the withdrawal of sex by their wives was not justified. 

It is difficult for me to believe that there was nothing that led up to the disconnect. When a relationship breaks down, most of the time, both parties have a role. I don't believe that it is always 50% but I don't think a woman stops having sex for no reason. 

Maybe that sounds like blaming men but I feel that woman are automatically blamed for losing the sexual connection. 

The conventional wisdom is that sex occupies a special position in the relationship in that it should be obligatory. My sense is that most men feel this way and that is because unresolved relationship problems don't effect their desire for sex. For most women, it does. 

However, some women withdraw sex for unwarenetd reasons because they don't understand that sex is not only pleasure but so much more. They don't know your pain Phantom. Hard to believe but its true. Even if you are able to express it, they don't believe. 

Is there ever a time when you review your relationship? Have you ever make changes in yourself because you come to a realization that you may be wrong and not because it will may get the sex going again? 

I was 6 weeks away from leaving my husband 3 years ago. I went to my husband and instead of making him the bad guy, I owned up to my part in the disconnect. He accepted the olive branch and owned up to his part. We began a journey to get back to a good place. 

It all stated because I became a mommy and forgot to be a wife. He felt left out and responded by withdrawing emotionally. I did not realize what I did to make this happen until I read about marriage and relationships. 

During our troubled times, I could not have sex as frequently as he wanted. I would have felt like I did not matter but my goodies did. 

I don't know if you can understand this. Till this day I don't think either of us was wrong but misguided and making a mess of a good thing. 

Men withdraw emotionally and woman sexually. Who is justified? I guess it depends who you are. Many women regret denying their husband sex for what they too late recognize as stupid reasons but only when he is ready to leave or has had an exit affair.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Phantom
> I have read so many situation on this forum from men who feel that the withdrawal of sex by their wives was not justified.
> 
> It is difficult for me to believe that there was nothing that led up to the disconnect. When a relationship breaks down, most of the time, both parties have a role. I don't believe that it is always 50% but I don't think a woman stops having sex for no reason.
> ...


I agree with you for the most part. I do accept and acknowledge I'm not perfect. If I have never said that directly, consider this my "yep, my fault" mea culpa. It took two well intentioned people to dig the hole we're in and it was not done on purpose. 

Where I differ is that I do believe that its wrong to deny the other partners needs regardless of what that is unless it is morally wrong. Another MC, I'm guilty of it too. I'm not sure who the first person was to make it a habit, but I know its going on on both sides. Since this is my place to figure out what to do because I want to gain what was lost and make it even better, I am going to bring up my point of view discuss and confide in total strangers about the most intimate details of my life and vent until things become clear to me and my marriage is on the right track. 

I'm sure you understand that also. I started reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book today and it is pretty much me in how I relate to women. I have more female friends than male friends. Part of my issue is that trying to be perfect, I became a man she couldn't respect. She has said this to me in so many words once or twice. I've recognized that I'm not who I want to be anymore. I've lost my mojo and gone beta. In trying to manipulate or correct my behavior, she became a woman I couldn't connect with or respect. It's a vicious cycle that needs to stop. 

For my part, I'm working on myself. I'm not believing that if she just change her attitude that everything will be roses. Hardly! There are many things that will need to change on both sides to make a healthy and happy marriage again. But I do believe a concession that I must have for me to be vulnerable enough to put my heart out there to get hurt again is the main source that causes me to hurt must end. I also believe that the path to total relationship ruin is our immediate future unless things change.

I've said (and I firmly believe) that intimacy and sex are the glue that holds a relationship together and it is the entire point of a marriage. I picked the Genesis reading for our marriage that describes how "it is not good for man to be alone, so God made a helper" Right now, I feel alone and I need my helper back. On the original topic, the resentment I feel needs to be retired. I know it's destroyed much of the "feelings" I have for her and that's insult on top of injury. Unfortunately, I'm too hurt to stop resenting her if the behavior that caused my resentment continues. I know that's a two way street. It's going to require a large effort on my part to be the man she married. So now that I've shared that, please understand that when I talk about things here, that I'm not the person who is here thinking my stuff don't stink. Quite the contrary. I just assume for the most part that everyone on here is like me and already knows what their faults are.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Some people say that sex makes up 10% of a relationship, unless your not getting it, then it becomes 90%


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Your post is very timely for me.
Although we are in the dead lane and not recovering, part of the moving on process for us has been to "talk" about some of this stuff. Resentment and needs not being met has come up lately....

The interesting part of his character that he is showing now is pretty ugly.

He has huge resentments. And he has spent the past year denying me of a relationship because of it. But yet... when I turned the tables recently and stopped meeting his needs.. heck broke loose. 
I am being "mean" and hurting his feelings. The conversation we had kinda echoed your OP. How things spiral and escalate. I am now resentfull because you were that way to me. Which is why I'm jumping off the train. I'm not interested in going to hell with you. 
I think I even said "why should I care if you are happy if you have spent the past year dismissing my needs over and over".

I do know why he is resentful. And it made me think even less of him. Mostly because he never communicated it to me (although I heard stories through the grapevine he gossiped to).

Does it really matter to me anymore? No. I now believe that people ALLOW themselves to become resentful. It's not a natural progression. It take a choice. Just like having an affair.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

deejov,

Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice? 

Catherine602,

Sometimes I want to reach through the screen and just smack you!  (I am being facetious of course). I hear what you say and I actually tend to agree with it. However, my wife and I have discussed her lack of desire for me ad nauseum and she claims everything is wonderful. So why don't YOU talk to her and find out what I am not meeting?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

Lordhavok said:


> Some people say that sex makes up 10% of a relationship, unless your not getting it, then it becomes 90%



all in your perspective


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

*Dean* said:


> I can only speak for myself.
> 
> When my wife and I make love, it really makes us alive.
> We really love living life, really enjoy each other.
> ...


I feel very much the same.....just wish we had it more often....


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

trey69 said:


> frustr8, I would imagine she is lying to you. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you feel things are not good, then they probably are not. Your wife likely isn't being truthful with you on how she really feels. Watch actions more than words. I'm sure you have been, and yes I think you deserve to know WHY she feels the way she does. However, I doubt its gonna happen. She probably doesn't want to hurt you with the truth although she already with her actions.


Yes, you hit the nail on the head...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

phantomfan said:


> To me, the physical and emotional connection through sex is like no other experience I've had. No drug or high comes close. Granted I've never done hard drugs but I can't imagine the feelings with them are as satisfying as a spiritual/physical/emotional connection, becoming one person from two. Yeah this guy cares a hell of a lot more than a quickie or an occasional charity poke after I explode in anger from years of neglect. Most guys feel like I do if they are even remotely in touch with their feelings. It's a curse when I feel like I do and the one I made a promise to forsake all others for has forsaken me.


I so very much agree with your words here... :iagree: I look at sex as a "Need" also... we will not die physically but..... some of us ... especially those who are High Driving / Sensitive / Craving / Physical Touchers ....die a slow slow torturous death emotionally and connectively with their spouse over feeling not wanted and desired in this way. Playing with a peice of rubber or doing it ourselves is hollow... hollow....hollow.... hollow... freaking hollow. 

My husband felt so much this way -he refused to masterbate (he even told me he stopped doing that as soon as me & him started touching each other while dating) ... doing himself could not even compare ..... he was never a HIGH HIGH drive man to begin with.... but very sensitive, very affectionate by nature, MY wanting to be with him, touch him made him feel espeically loved , I loved being with him all the time, so we were a nice match... Even with getting it once a week faithfully ..sometimes more (after marraige)... his feeling I wanted him in those moments passionately...... yet still....some *Resentment* creeped in... 

...So I can not even IMAGINE the pain you others are dealing with here in some of these stories. Just hearing my own husband's feelings poured out to me has brought me to tears....then I was ANGRY cause he held it in







... If we were sexless, I would have been pissed off....livid even - even back then, it would have never flown with me. I pretty much had him at my beck & call, if he would have made me wait.....and FEEL what he was feeling....it would have been a Good lesson for me! I deserved that -accually. 

I feel women would even take the rejection more to heart -if they felt their husbands lost physcial desire for them...because of our highly emotional natures.... Maybe this is why men can deal with it easier it seems.....Men are stronger ....as so many seem to stay married, stick it out, stay for the kids, stay in hopes it gets better. I don't know. 

I asked him on a scale from 1 (near 0) to 10 (screaming with resentment)...where his RESENTMENT BAR climbed to....he answered a 5... also his sex drive went from a 10 dropping to a 5... he explained he got so used to putting himself down.... he could take it or leave it...his passion grew to "apathy" ...indifference.... 

And as one could imagine, his feeling that way- he sure wasn't making himself seem very sexually "exciting" or creative so that was no Big "turn on" to me. Apathy is capable of breeding apathy -unless one cares to shake it up & bust it wide open. 

I have never been addicted to anything like drinking , smoking (maybe forums !)...... but when It comes to sex with someone you are raptured in love with (and lust)- once I hit my awakening .... I can't think of a Higher HIGH....there is no rush I ever wanted on this earth more so.... Cocaine has nothing over sex! (not that I would know of course).

That high is glorious when you have a partner who feels the same....if not...definitely a curse of all curses, I would even call it a Prison. Just imagining what that would be like was enough for me. 

No intercourse for 18 L-O-N-G years JustAMan , and the hiding... I can not even fathom what you have been through in this. I do thank you for sharing your story. The mountain you have to climb to overcome in this, I wish you well. 

Resentment comes to us for a reason...It is an indicator of neglectful treatment in near every case. It needs to be delt with as swiftly as it can, and I know most of you have tried....opening your mouths, going above & beyond, and tired some more ....God bless you all. 

I'll be the 1st to say, I would not be able to handle it personally... if my partner would not come half way, show me they cared about how I was feeling...with real change. Not just actions, but the feelings behind them. 

For us to live above resentment such as this.... My feelings is... never let it fester, talk about it, or get as creative as possible to overcome the situation (No More Mr Nice Guy.... Married Man's sex life blog... communication... a little conflict... Marriage counseling..... sex therapy, etc).... but if this does little to nothing ....if resentment gets so bad, one needs to start taking depression drugs to cope, to remain in a roommatish marraige.... I think divorce needs to be on the table. It is truly a shame it has to come to that point for a spouse to "wake up" and take it all seriously ...but I feel many many many people in this world do not realize what they have ... until it is threatened to be taken away.... 

 Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone) ... If they truly love you, they will fight for you. 

I appreciate all the feedback here... Resentment is a huge huge issue, our taste of it was smaller than most...it is sad to think had I not changed, woke up & shaken things up... My husband would have never had the measure of happiness he has NOW, but remained in that apathetic state.... it is all choices we make.....for our own lives.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> deejov,
> 
> Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice?
> 
> ...


yes, it was a choice.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> deejov,
> 
> Sounds to me like you are harboring some resentment. Was that a choice?
> 
> ...


Ha Ha can't get me :moon:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

On a serious note - if you feel you have done everything that you can, then you have a difficult set of options to consider. 

Again please don't take this as blaming you. You are here she is not. 

You have to explore is she is emotionally healthy enough to maintain a marital connection. 

Is she willing to work on her basic problem if that is the case. Several men have posted about wives with histories of abuse that they did not know about. 

That is one thing that is rarely discussed. 

The only poster I have ever read who brings this up is Conrad. But my feeling is that the poster dismisses it quickly and moves on.

I think what he is getting at is that you need to look at the person you love with a critical and open eyes. You need to really dig deep to find out who they really are. 

We all find it difficult to really see the real person when it comes to someone we love.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Another thing that is only mentioned in passing is the sexual satisfaction of the woman. This would be one of the first areas that should be explored. 

Usually the poster will say, I know she enjoys herself because she has an orgasm. But she lays there doing nothing and she refuses foreplay. 

There is something wrong there don't you think? If your partner needed more time and foreplay when things were good she needs it now. 

I think the best thing to do is to make sure that you both read up on male and female sexuality.

Asking a woman may not get a staight answer. Woman know that men are notoriously sensitive about their performance and usually don't take well to not getting the job done. 

I think men who got their knowledge of female sexuality from porn or male buddies or the fact that they had 100 sex partners that were all happy are probably not a satisfactory lover. 

Female sexuality is much more complex than the male. Couple that with the differences in woman anatomically and what they like, makes being a good love labor intensive at first. 

The reward is worth it I think. I have read that woman who are orgasmic are much more wiling to have sex frequently and are more adventurous.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Another thing that is only mentioned in passing is the sexual satisfaction of the woman. This would be one of the first areas that should be explored.
> 
> Usually the poster will say, I know she enjoys herself because she has an orgasm. But she lays there doing nothing and she refuses foreplay.
> 
> There is something wrong there don't you think? If your partner needed more time and foreplay when things were good she needs it now.


What about those women who need foreplay but refuse to partake?

A bloke I know, he knows full well his wife needs a LOT of foreplay, because she never, ever, comes during sex (don't quote the statistics, he knows!). But she pushes away efforts to hold, stroke, kiss etc, never mind finger play or oral, and says "Let's just do it". 

So basically, he's fully prepared to do whatever is necessary to make sex as satisfying as possible for her, including any kind of foreplay, and starting _hours_ before the event, but she just wants it over and done. And she _knows_ he's not merely prepared to, but is willing, even enthusiastic.

Riddle me this, riddle me that...:scratchhead:


> Female sexuality is much more complex than the male. Couple that with the differences in woman anatomically and what they like, makes being a good love labor intensive at first.


This is like saying nuclear physics is a bit more complicated than bricklaying. But if the woman isn't prepared to help her partner learn, what then? You were prepared to let your partner lead and learn and have reaped the reward.

Any advice to husbands whose wife will NOT be led and refuse to participate in the learning process? Bearing in mind there is only so much anyone else can do to address any resentments another person might have...



> The reward is worth it I think. I have read that woman who are orgasmic are much more wiling to have sex frequently and are more adventurous.


I'm sure you're right, but there seem some women out there who are determined to NOT enjoy sex. Like people who seeing others enjoying themselves doing anything, say "Well, I KNOW I wouldn't like it", without ever trying it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

phantomfan said:


> I agree with you for the most part. I do accept and acknowledge I'm not perfect. If I have never said that directly, consider this my "yep, my fault" mea culpa. It took two well intentioned people to dig the hole we're in and it was not done on purpose.
> 
> Where I differ is that I do believe that its wrong to deny the other partners needs regardless of what that is unless it is morally wrong. Another MC, I'm guilty of it too. I'm not sure who the first person was to make it a habit, but I know its going on on both sides. Since this is my place to figure out what to do because I want to gain what was lost and make it even better, I am going to bring up my point of view discuss and confide in total strangers about the most intimate details of my life and vent until things become clear to me and my marriage is on the right track.
> 
> ...


What do you mean by the statement in red? 
I understand that Phantom. Please don't take my post as ignoring you effort and dismissing your pain as invalid. I know it is valid. 

It appears from what you are saying about your wife , you have some valid reasons to resent her. I described my situation to let you know that I was a bit like your wife. And my husbands reaction was like yours I think. 

The spiral down started with us started because of me but, I did not do it intesionally. I thought that with children, we both needed to put them first and to mature in the relationship. 

I thought that we should forgo the focus on ourselves and pleasure until the period of time when the kids were so exhausting and took up so much energy. Not no sexual activity but less. 

My husband told me that he loved me even more deeply when I was the mother of his children. He described it as uncontrollable and visceral.

His desire for me remained unchanged, unlike mine. He said it was difficult for him to control and he felt angry, frustrated and felt that I did not love him anymore. 

I found out after the fact when we talked about what happened. This from a man who does not talk about his emotion frequently. 

I think it is this period that is pivotal to the future of many relationships. Misunderstanding causes resentment and the spiral begins. 

This is what I think. Parenthood seems to be precipitate the start of problems in many relationships.

Women need to realize that although they fall absolutely in love with the baby, they still have a husband. He is 1/2 of the equation that made the baby. 

It takes a lot of effort and understanding to modulate the love of baby and remember the love that got her there.

Men need to realize that the changes in their wives are normal and are part of the experience of motherhood and the aftermath of pregnacy and birth and healing. 

They need to modulate their sexual expectations and remember that their partner needs their understanding, help and patience. 

I wish we understood that then. I know now that if we could have discussed it, we would have worked it out and avoided so much pain.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

SB
I am certain that what I say does not apply to every relationship but it does to some. 

The fact that is doesn't describe your situation does not mean that it should not be considered. 

I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> SB
> I am certain that what I say does not apply to every relationship but it does to some.
> 
> The fact that is doesn't describe your situation does not mean that it should not be considered.
> ...


Catherine, 

I had no wisdom to offer him. I wondered if you had.

I know whatever is said her is not universally true (unless it's come from MMSL:rofl, but there are many opinions.

As for "..._I don't think anything I said should be considered as totally without merit..._" I asked you precisely _because_ what you say almost invariably *does* have merit. Your insight is among the most valuable here.


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Lordhavok said:


> Some people say that sex makes up 10% of a relationship, unless your not getting it, then it becomes 90%


 How true that is! It becomes all you think about, obsessively so. Been there. It's becomes the main focus of your day. It Sucks.


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## confusedinlife (Mar 9, 2012)

Mrs. T said:


> How true that is! It becomes all you think about, obsessively so. Been there. It's becomes the main focus of your day. It Sucks.


I have been there as well..no fun at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Catherine,
> 
> I had no wisdom to offer him. I wondered if you had.
> 
> ...


Oppps Thanks SB, sorry for misunderstanding, have had a very very bad week too sensitive. 

Whats an MMSL?


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## looking4support (Sep 12, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> A man isn't going to get laid if he doesn't have a job, treat women right, be a father, romance women, is dependable, responsible, etc. it's biology driving us to be the best we can be to attract a mate. Ladies fall in love with us as men, then they seem to be unsatisfied once the ring goes on the finger. Guess men in captivity aren't as desirable :-/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can see why a HD man would feel that way, but I think a lot of women who are HD would argue with you. I would absolutely love to have sex with my husband even once or twice a week. But as it is it has been 8 times in 2 years. 
It doesn't matter if I initiate or not. He always has an excuse of one kind or another, but it ends up with nada.

My resentment started growing after year 3 when he seemed like he just kept me around to clean and do laundry. I have been subtle, I have been pushy, I have pleaded, I have walked out of the bedroom naked in the middle of they day. All to no avail. What else is a girl to think?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Oppps Thanks SB, sorry for misunderstanding, have had a very very bad week too sensitive.
> 
> Whats an MMSL?


Married Man Sex Life - Athol K's blog. I swear if he wrote that the moon was made of green cheese, most of the readership would buy rockets ships and crackers:rofl:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Resentment is a poison - in your life, your relationship, yourself. It is a *choice* you make to hold onto your bitter indignation toward another for things you feel they have done to you unfairly.

There is an antidote - also a choice that you can give freely. And that is foregiveness - of others and of yourself.

"_When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” ~ C Ponder _

You have to ask yourself why is it worth binding yourself with the chains of resentment, when you could surely be free of them. It is YOUR choice.

Choose wisely.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Boy I wish I lived in Enchantments fairy tale world....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Pandakiss said:


> We pulled our heads our of our ass, talked, yelled, cussed, and got things resolved.


I really like the way you worded this summing up your story PandaKiss ! So true, this is needed for many. It may not sound favorable.. ..with the cussing & yelling part... but conflict can get a little grueling at times, emotions flared..... It is not often that me & mine fight, but when we have an issue, I dig it up in it's entirety & we will get to the bloody heart of it, so resolution is had...and completely. And sometimes we may still slip back into old rotten thinking patterns & fight a little more another day, this is just normal. Thank God for Make up sex ! Me & mine just had some this morning. 

Resentment – A Real Danger to the State of Happiness

There are so many different Resentments even .... it can be open or concealed, immediate or delayed...

Then 3 common signs of concealed resentment: 

1. Distrust 
2. Questioning motives
3. Bitterness



> *Enchantment said* : Resentment is a poison - in your life, your relationship, yourself. It is a choice you make to hold onto your bitter indignation toward another for things you feel they have done to you unfairly.


 Although I do agree it IS very much a choice on our parts -what to do with what is thrown at us.... or being left the crumbs in the marriage....in many cases, the injustice of what has taken place is not an easy pill to swallow.....not an easy choice by any means. 

I know in my own life... unrelated to marriage in this case.... but with a female family member... Me & her did not see eye to eye on some issues.... and by all means she has the right to CHOOSE whatever she wanted to do, this is HER LIFE TO LIVE....but in that ...I also have my own choices for my life, for my immediate family.... and they may not be what she wanted of me or expected of me in response to hers.....

But in following my heart and what is best FOR ME....in determining to live my life ABOVE RESENTMENT of any sort (always a goal of mine)....certain boundaries had to be erected - to not allow myself to throw my pearls before swine to be trampled on again and again. Ya know. 

Sometimes it may mean the end of a marraige...where 2 can not get past something, where one's heart is not into the marriage, or not willing to give what the other needs ( I am talking "reasonable" wants & needs here). These emotions must go somewhere, we are not set up to be willling victims every day. 

Some offenses are indeed perceived , misunderstood even....TINY, like a seed...and we go on to grow a tree of hate out of it... but then some are like canons..... a breech of mistrust, ongoing rejections, the wasting of 10 yrs in a sexless marraige... Some resentments are truly monsterous ...because the offenses were !!! 

I feel we need to emphasize with those struggling to choose to forgive. I don't see it as this easy going forth in any way. Not for the monsterous hurts over the years. Without the willing wanting loving validation and cooperation of the one who hurt, maimed and screams every day they don't care about our needs.... this is a mountain to climb.....one where we may never reach the top in fullfillment in such a relationship. 

Speaking of Choices: 

This sounds like such a good book on these issues, can view some pages here : HEALING IS A CHOICE REVISED - Stephen Arterburn - Google Books

Book here : Healing Is a Choice: 10 Decisions That Will Transform Your Life and 10 Lies That Can Prevent You From Making Them


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Boy I wish I lived in Enchantments fairy tale world....


Yah, me too...cuz it's not a fairy tale, that's for sure.

It can be a real slog and very difficult at times, but if you actually put your mind to it you can find yourself making progress no matter how small...and even that small bit of progress can be ... enchanting.

Maybe you should try it.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I really like the way you worded this summing up your story PandaKiss ! So true, this is needed for many. It may not sound favorable.. ..with the cussing & yelling part... but conflict can get a little grueling at times, emotions flared..... It is not often that me & mine fight, but when we have an issue, I dig it up in it's entirety & we will get to the bloody heart of it, so resolution is had...and completely. And sometimes we may still slip back into old rotten thinking patterns & fight a little more another day, this is just normal. Thank God for Make up sex ! Me & mine just had some this morning.
> 
> Resentment – A Real Danger to the State of Happiness
> 
> ...


SimplyA...

Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another. 

BUT...I don't turn around the next day with a calloused heart and re-wound that person again and again and again and again!!!! Stomping on their heart, as it were, with a pair of cowboy boots.

I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.

That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."

REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.

But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as doing without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Yah, me too...cuz it's not a fairy tale, that's for sure.
> 
> It can be a real slog and very difficult at times, but if you actually put your mind to it you can find yourself making progress no matter how small...and even that small bit of progress can be ... enchanting.
> 
> Maybe you should try it.


I can see why people reacted to what said the way they did. 
I guess in some ways it comes down to whether when you forgive and move on, the other person a) sees that as a positive character aspect and something to make them try to better themselves, or b) sees you as a mug who will forgive any old crap so they can get away with it again and again...

Just saying...


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> What do you mean by the statement in red?
> I understand that Phantom. Please don't take my post as ignoring you effort and dismissing your pain as invalid. I know it is valid.
> 
> It appears from what you are saying about your wife , you have some valid reasons to resent her. I described my situation to let you know that I was a bit like your wife. And my husbands reaction was like yours I think.
> ...


To clarify, I do think my wife did/does use sex as a tool for a means to an end. If things were not perfect, she's off the menu. Do I think she did it with malice, no but the result is no different. It's very common practice to do that. When we the HD person let sex be used that way, it ultimately is our fault for allowing it. Will I allow that to continue in the future now that I've got some positive things to counter that behavior? Not if I can help it! ;-)


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Mine is way up there. It was 230 (85%) Above 210: Resentment is moving toward contempt and bitterness.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JustAMan2 said:


> SimplyA...
> 
> Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another.


 I have not walked in such shoes, and frankly, I'd be too damn weak too, and pissed off to do it...even for a short time. .....many of you are sooooo much better than I. 
When I am the offender, and it happens from time to time, generally my mouth...I go OUT Of MY WAY to makes amends... if I care about them, if they are important in my life. I feel very very strongly about this.

I am no longer a Christian , but I know that Bible... 1 thing I feel is NOT taught enough these days....everyone yaks about forgiveness, Jesus forgives us our sins, bla bla bla...like we are off the hook... but how often do they teach to go to the one we HURT, make amends / heartful reconciliation before we come to that alter?? Until we go there, cross those muddied waters....we will not even be heard.... it is worthless to God. (Matt 5:24) ... I so agree with that . Too few take the time. 

It is all dribble otherwise. 

I know for me, I have no peace at all , when I am alerted to hurting someone , until I put some action behind my bothered conscience - which can be a pain up the ass at times...but in it's own way..it IS a blessing...and a necessity of honest living...even to sparing others resentments against me, I do not want that in any way shape or form. I strive for PEACE with those I love. I want their happiness as much as it can be helped from my hand. 



> I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.


 Of course we have limits. 

I appreciate this write up to explain how deeply men feel on this particular issue :  Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband



> That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."
> 
> REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.
> 
> But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as going without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.



I could not agree with you more JustAman.... 

Here is an article I found on the net to mirror what I feel is NECESSARY from the spouse who has emotionally wounded, rejected time & time & time again causing a void in the others heart.... if their mouth is anywhere near their heart... they will willingly ACT .....they will give back to their ability.... they most definitely have a part to play... this idea we just choose to forgive... without them playing some role .... I have a hard time stomaching this -if we are married, that is. 

I can see it... if that person is outside of the marriage...but it is different when we are as ONE with another. Would anyone disagree with that? Our partners need to show they are "in this with us... they LOVE us" or the Resentment will remain, unless we become comfortably NUMB somewhere down the line, we loose a part of ourselves just to remain in a Fruitless marraige. 

 Relationship Wisdom :: Resentments: Getting Rid of Them

I am all for Forgiveness , believe me...I've read a few books on this subject.... I find Lewis Smedes to be the best author of them all....

Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

Some tips about Forgiveness here (not related to Marraige -but in general) 

*1.* Forgiving is the only way to be fair to yourself after someone hurts you unfairly.

*2.* Forgivers are not doormats; they do not have to tolerate the bad things that they forgive.

*3.* Forgivers are not fools; they forgive and heal themselves, but they do not have to go back for more abuse.

*4.* We don’t have to wait until the other person repents before we forgive him or her and heal
ourselves.

*5.* Forgiving is a journey. For us, it takes time, so be patient and don’t get discouraged if you
backslide have to do it over again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Ladybird said*: Mine is way up there. It was 230 (85%) Above 210: Resentment is moving toward contempt and bitterness.





> *Pandakiss said*: mine was 40...but i dont understand the angle of the questions though


I took that resentment test before I did this thread... just to see what it would give me, I got a whopping "3" . I didn't have my husband take it but I know it would be similar. Years ago, it would have been alot higher on his end though.... when he was hiding his feelings from me, concealing them.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just,
Your wife has bought into the idea that because something bad was done to her she gets diplomatic immunity for life when it comes to abusing others - even those who have done naught but try to love her. That said, I don't know how you stay with someone who deceived you for two decades and doesn't really seem sorry.


OTE=JustAMan2;636214]SimplyA...

Thank you for putting into words SO well what's it's like to deal with CONTINUAL rejection!! I understand the concept of forgiveness. I really do. I've had to practice it many, many times. I've been the offender too and sought the forgiveness of another. 

BUT...I don't turn around the next day with a calloused heart and re-wound that person again and again and again and again!!!! Stomping on their heart, as it were, with a pair of cowboy boots.

I just don't understand how someone can say "I love you" then wound you over and over and over again in spite of the knowledge that their behavior is doing severe damage to your heart/emotions. In spite of the knowledge that it's GOING to cause feelings of resentment SIMPLY because we are all human beings and have limits.

That is not real "love", now is it? At least it's not in my book. It's like the word "faith". It's been hijacked by our modern world. See, REAL faith, Biblical faith, is OBEDIENT FAITH. Not just a flowery word that says "I think God exists."

REAL love recognizes wounds, and does all it can to NEVER wound like that again.

But when the wounds continue, over and over and over...resentment is GOING to set in. As surely as doing without food will cause one to have feelings of hunger, so constant wounding will set up feelings of resentment.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> ISome tips about Forgiveness here (not related to Marraige -but in general)
> 
> *1.* Forgiving is the only way to be fair to yourself after someone hurts you unfairly.
> 
> ...


Someone accused Enchantment of living in a dream world regarding forgiveness. I can see the same accusation being levelled at you with these. 

The problem largely arises because 2 and 3 generally don't work. To a lot of people, having been forgiven makes them think they have carte blanche to do it again, because the other person will forgive them again, and again. And Again. AND AGAIN...

Also, to anyone who doesn't have these rules through them like a stick of rock, forgiving someone before they repent (4) is as good as saying "Go on, do it again. I'll keep forgiving you" to them.

Unless the person you are forgiving is as forgiving as you are, they see forgiveness as being let off the hook, not a reason to change. 

As for for being fair to myself when someone hurts me, I have usually found that nailing the bastards seems to work. But I guess that isn't the message you're wanting to send here, is it?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I scored.... 200. No surprise there!!
Just wanted to start my day being honest. There is no hope for me. 
I'm no longer fixable. Good thing I love cats and dogs. I relate myself to that silly cable commercial. Collecting stray animals. 
LOL too bad I can't just eat the cat food too. That would save me having to cook for myself.
:rofl: I could email the pet food manufactureres and ask them to put a carb count on the labels 
:lol: then even diabetics could eat it.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

deejov said:


> I scored.... 200. No surprise there!!
> Just wanted to start my day being honest. There is no hope for me.
> I'm no longer fixable. Good thing I love cats and dogs. I relate myself to that silly cable commercial. Collecting stray animals.
> LOL too bad I can't just eat the cat food too. That would save me having to cook for myself.
> ...


There's always hope. You are always fixable if you choose to fix yourself. It's not an easy road for most people to take. I can be a pretty cynical person but ultimately I do know that nothing is hopeless. What may be hopeless is having things turn out exactly the way you want. What we want is often unrealistic. A broken glass can't be put back together unless you melt it down and recast it. You can take the pieces and make a beautiful mosaic. 

Maybe the relationship you're in is hopeless. Being happy is not a hopeless cause, it just may be that being happy in the current relationship (what you want) is not possible. Dysfunctional relationships take two people to fix permanently. One person going in the right direction can give hope to the other person who wants to change. Dynamics are hard to change in a relationship but one person can change the game if they are strong enough. 

For my situation, when I came home, my wife is completely on board. Did that make things a hell of a lot easier and helped me begin to get off the resentment train, absolutely. It sped up the process and made things 70% more tolerable. The dynamic switched from I'm gonna get you back to I'm going to be better to you. The emotional and physical support is the infectious anti-biotic of a relationship. It's the glue that keeps out resentment, minimizes hurting and gives you the strength to be there for each other in hard times. 

I was going to get past the resentment for my own happiness, because that's what is most important to me. I was tired of being miserable. If Im happy and Im in a good place, eventually that will spread to the relationship. If things didn't work out the way they did, I'd have the strength to move on and be ready to. 

I took the resentment test and scored an 80. I probably could have scored lower because I was on the fence on several of them. I'm still a work in progress. It seems like the majority of the questions are divided along the lines of being a victim or taking action. Im at a place where I don't want to be a victim of my circumstances anymore. I want to control what I can and learn to let go of the rest. Life is too short to waste my energy on things or people that I can't control. I can control what I allow to bother me and what I do.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

PF,
I'm soo glad to hear that you are now home and working on things. That's awesome! I love to hear stories like this. 

Me being down... is just me being practical. It's not just the relationship that is doomed. It changes you. And I was being honest. Getting out of this relationship doesn't make all the crap go away, it's just carried over to the next relationship since I've now taken it to a level that is "personal". It clouds your whole life. You look at everything differently. 

I have to work on getting rid of it. It's giving me a headache.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

deejov said:


> I scored.... 200. No surprise there!!
> Just wanted to start my day being honest. There is no hope for me.
> I'm no longer fixable. Good thing I love cats and dogs. I relate myself to that silly cable commercial. Collecting stray animals.
> LOL too bad I can't just eat the cat food too. That would save me having to cook for myself.
> ...


There is no hope for my marriage.. Once you give up hope there is nothing left and nothing left to fix. Not that I haven't tried my damnedest to fix the issues in my marriage, but i can't do it all by myself. I have finally given up. I am tried of being constantly slapped in the face, However i am still fixable, i am really trying to better myself and work on my issues, because that is all i can do from this point on..

*You can NEVER give up on yourself, EVER*

I used to think of my self as weak, but I am far from it.. I am not going to mope around hanging my head down. I have mourned my marriage for the last 2 and a half years.. I will get over all the hurt and anger i feel, eventually and move on with my life..

And someday I will look back and think, "why in the hell did I stay so long?"


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Someone accused Enchantment of living in a dream world regarding forgiveness. I can see the same accusation being levelled at you with these.
> 
> The problem largely arises because 2 and 3 generally don't work. To a lot of people, having been forgiven makes them think they have carte blanche to do it again, because the other person will forgive them again, and again. And Again. AND AGAIN...
> 
> ...


As much as people would like to believe that the reason you should be forgiving is for the other person, the real reason is you do it for yourself.

Until you can forgive you really carry around the chains of resentment with you going forward. You carry them in to any new relationship you may have even if you dissolve an old one. Not a good thing.

And... the points you make in all of your posts is that the other person may not play nice, may not respond to you anyway. True enough - you aren't doing it for them as much as you are doing it for yourself ... to make yourself more emotionally and mentally healthy. If you have a non-responsive, selfish spouse, and get yourself in top gear emotionally, then you'll likely realize you are in a situation that may not be worthwhile to continue in.

And while 'nailing the bastards' who are 'unfair' to you might give you a momentary feel good moment, it does nothing for moving you or your spouse (assuming they are the bastard here) forward.


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

Resentment can build and build. Sometimes you just get to the point where, you just stop caring. My wife, is for the most part, non-sexual and I'm sexual. There lies the problem. My wife was brought up in a very christian environment and I believe that she was taught that sex was bad and you need to keep your clothes on. Well, that's what she's turned into. She has no sexual freedom. When we do have sex, it's always at night in the dark and what makes it even worse, she has a beautiful body.


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

I want passion in my marriage. I've experienced that in my younger days. I remember catching a girls eye and she caught mine and I don't even think we said one word before we locked up. You could feel the heat. It was awesome. That's missing from my marriage and before I hear, "Well, what have you done to ignite this passion?", let me tell you, if making passion is as hard as some have stated, that means it's not natural and if it's right, it's natural.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Sawney Beane said:


> Someone accused Enchantment of living in a dream world regarding forgiveness. I can see the same accusation being levelled at you with these.
> 
> The problem largely arises because 2 and 3 generally don't work. To a lot of people, having been forgiven makes them think they have carte blanche to do it again, because the other person will forgive them again, and again. And Again. AND AGAIN...
> 
> ...


Believe me Sawney, I am a NAILER !!! Accually.... I couldn't forgive like this in a marriage... I did say above before this little list ... "Some tips about Forgiveness here (not related to Marraige -but in general) 

I said all of this in my last post -*specifically relating to marraige*....I see that as another ball game accually --


> I feel is NECESSARY from the spouse who has emotionally wounded, rejected time & time & time again causing a void in the others heart.... if their mouth is anywhere near their heart... they will willingly ACT .....they will give back to their ability.... they most definitely have a part to play... this idea we just choose to forgive... without them playing some role .... I have a hard time stomaching this -if we are married, that is.
> 
> I can see it... if that person is outside of the marriage...but it is different when we are as ONE with another. Would anyone disagree with that? Our partners need to show they are "in this with us... they LOVE us" or the Resentment will remain, unless we become comfortably NUMB somewhere down the line, we loose a part of ourselves just to remain in a Fruitless marraige.


 ....with a link above which speaks tremendously about the effort of the hurting spouse in validation in response. THAT I can agree with, nothing less really. I am on the same page as you Sawney! 

.....I just wanted to put a plug in for a Forgiveness book... if/when a couple has reached such a place where it can be "worthily" given & received - in trust and going forth in love... on a workable team. Sure setbacks will come, we are only human.... Just today...me & mine was talking about that, cause I still have these meltdowns about our past sometimes.... he referred to it as ..... "a stone in the road... THUMP!"... but we keep going. But the forgiveness was worthy on both ends, ya know. 

I think the hardest thing I ever had to forgive in my life... it was not even an offense against me... but my son...how some girl he really liked treated him.... I hated her, I wanted to see bad for her.... I struggled for months to lay it down, kinda absurd really....but seeing him hurt really pissed me off.... it was grueling. That particular book helped me....and release her I did. I don't bury things, I deal with them, I process them. But this is terribly unrelated to marraige.... just little people outside of our world of importance.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jwayne said:


> My wife was brought up in a very christian environment and I believe that she was taught that sex was bad and you need to keep your clothes on. Well, that's what she's turned into. She has no sexual freedom. When we do have sex, it's always at night in the dark and what makes it even worse, she has a beautiful body.


I used to be a little prudish....husband used to joke I was a Nun on occassion to friends, best thing that ever happened to me was... loosing my religion .... All inhibitions shot to hell ... I used to want all the lights out, under the sheets, embarrassed of my body , Bjs seemed like a porn act to me...I even looked at lingerie as stripperish....The whole "good girl's don't" .... and the craziest thing about it all, I had a healthy sex drive the whole time. I still wanted it -just in the darn dark!

Being uneducated about Sex combined with some screwed up notion that pleasure is somehow dirty, it stole from our marraige, hindered sexual exploration & open expression. We didn't even talk about sex for 19 yrs of our marraige. Sounds rediculous, but it is a part of my story >>> HERE. 

I feel for you situation...not sure of how bad it all is... but if this is the primary issue, Resentment on your part (I can see) - Repression on hers... a healthy sexual education, a changing of the mindset is the answer, but a seed has to be planted in her that THIS is hindering her life, her marraige, her self expression.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Believe me Sawney, I am a NAILER !!! Accually.... I couldn't forgive like this in a marriage... I did say above before this little list ... "Some tips about Forgiveness here (not related to Marraige -but in general)
> 
> I said all of this in my last post -*specifically relating to marraige*....I see that as another ball game accually -- ....with a link above which speaks tremendously about the effort of the hurting spouse in validation in response. THAT I can agree with, nothing less really. I am on the same page as you Sawney!


Thank you. Marriage IS different. The premise of forgiveness being good for the forgiver appears to be predicated on the view that by forgiving, you tell yourself that what happened was no fault of your own, not within your gift to prevent, and a result of what the other person decided to do to YOU. It absolves YOU of fault. To many people this is a lifting, building, strengthening experience.

To others, it sends them the message that they were powerless to prevent it. The feeling of powerlessness is not uplifting at all.



> I just wanted to put a plug in for a Forgiveness book... if/when a couple has reached such a place where it can be "worthily" given & received - in trust and going forth in love... on a workable team. Sure setbacks will come, we are only human.... Just today...me & mine was talking about that, cause I still have these meltdowns about our past sometimes.... he referred to it as ..... "a stone in the road... THUMP!"... but we keep going. But the forgiveness was worthy on both ends, ya know.
> 
> I think the hardest thing I ever had to forgive in my life... it was not even an offense against me... but my son...how some girl he really liked treated him.... I hated her, I wanted to see bad for her.... I struggled for months to lay it down, kinda absurd really....but seeing him hurt really pissed me off.... it was grueling. That particular book helped me....and release her I did. I don't bury things, I deal with them, I process them. But this is terribly unrelated to marraige.... just little people outside of our world of importance.


You keep on plugging! If it helps, great. Forgiveness is AN answer, but I'm not convinced it's THE answer, especially not in the context of a lack of repentance / change.

George Orwell was a clever bloke, and he put it this way "..._If you turn the other cheek, you will get a harder blow on it than you got on the first one. This does not always happen, but it is to be expected, and you ought not to complain if it does happen_..." If forgiveness merely sets you up to have to forgive AGAIN, from a worse place, does it necessarily serve a useful purpose?


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

deejov said:


> PF,
> I'm soo glad to hear that you are now home and working on things. That's awesome! I love to hear stories like this.
> 
> Me being down... is just me being practical. It's not just the relationship that is doomed. It changes you. And I was being honest. Getting out of this relationship doesn't make all the crap go away, it's just carried over to the next relationship since I've now taken it to a level that is "personal". It clouds your whole life. You look at everything differently.
> ...


I get it, I really do. Things aren't perfect for me either. I've already had a few things that happened since I got back where I didn't do what I should have. Its slightly discouraging but life is not a sprint, its a marathon. Part of my issue is I'm not quick on my feet and try to keep my german temper under control. Change is NOT easy. Bad relationships do change you, but I also know that you don't have to let them define you. 

Me being a reforming nice guy, I'm having to learn that what happened to me growing up doesn't have to doom my happiness. Ultimately I'll be damned if Im not going to be the man I need to be regardless of who Im with. Its about me, not about my wife or anyone else which is a new mindset for me. I hope that you find peace and happiness. Everyone deserves it but you have to fight for it too. It usually doesn't come to you on a silver platter.


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