# Sexless young engaged couple... Help???



## lovinhim4ever (Aug 8, 2010)

Hi, this is my first post on this site and I am not sure if I am posting in the right place or not but here goes... 
I am a 23 yr old female and my fiancé is also 23. We have been a couple for about 4 & 1/2 yrs and engaged for about 8 months. We have your typical ups and downs but overall have a pretty good relationship. We work totally opposite schedules, I work the night shift (11pm-7am) at a hospital and he works 6am-4pm, and then coaches youth football in the area 3 days a week from 6pm-8:30pm. Needless to say, we are pretty busy all the time. When we do have time to spend together, we take advantage of that. We love eachother very much and can't wait to get married next year and have a family. Enough history, here is my issue. My sex drive is pretty low, almost nonexistent which makes me feel very bad. My fiancé doesn't complain about it usually but I know he wishes we were intimate more often. I am usually too tired or just not in the mood and he accepts that without complaint. I know there are times when he "takes matters into his own two hands", so to speak and I'm okay with that since I'm not up to sex most of the time. I am on anxiety/depression meds for my anxiety and depression of past issues and I have heard that such meds can decrease ones sex drive. I love him very much and even tho he says he is happy even if we don't have sex as often as he would like, I want to want sex more. I want us to be happy. I can't go off my meds, should I consult my doctor about possibly trying a new med or something? I know he wouldn't cheat on me and I trust him but I want him to be happier with our sex life or for us to actually have one. I feel like a terrible person but sex just isn't as important to me as I guess it should be, and yet he loves me just the same. I am lucky to be so in love with my best friend but rly hope our sex life improves. I feel that it is all my fault. 
any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanx for reading my book of a post, lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

You're actually a great person for being concerned over this. Usually people who don't want sex just either blame it on their partners or seem to think their partners should just accept it. 

I'm not surprised you don't really have a sex drive seeing as all your energy goes on work, depression and anxiety can cut one's sex drive to pieces and on top of that the medication may also decrease it. Maybe you just need to give your drive a jump-start, try getting arroused somehow (maybe through porn) on a regular basis. Your body and mind might get used to getting arroused and start doing it on their own. 

Also, as a woman, what gets me in the mood, oddly enough is to make myself attractive to my man. Dress up, wear make up, perfume, and act like i'm preparing for a date. The excitement of this usually follows and because i feel sexy i also get in the mood to have sex. 
In any case, just experiment with various things. See how you can get yourself arroused on your own, what gets you in the mood for sex. Then apply it to your relationship somehow. The better you know how you work the easier it will be for you to understand how to improve your sex life .


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## lovinhim4ever (Aug 8, 2010)

Thanks for the advice, I will def try these suggestions!  thnx again!


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I agree with Nekko about feeling sexy being an important part of arousal. 

You can take it up a notch and play the temptress. Set out to entice and satisfy him. Learn techniques (many great books out there) to give him pleasure. There are so many things you can do! The untapped power of your female sexuality will blow him away! It's a win-win: you will feel sexy, powerful and fulfilled in pleasing him, and he will think he's the luckiest man in the world! And, a couple episodes of pleasing him, you will find your libido wanting to join in on the fun


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## habadash (Aug 1, 2010)

Hi. I am part of a young couple who was sexless and got married. 

I agree with what everbody else has to say -- find your sexuality, experiment and see what works for the both of you. However, I have one more thing to add - this may sound harsh but my first advice to you is delay the marriage. (you can still stay engaged). 

This may sound "crazy", but you are still very very young and you have lots of time. you should not get married until things are good -- because marriage will not make them better, but then you will be stuck with a legal decree saying you are bonded together. 

Figure out the problems in your sex life first. Then get married. Ignore what everybody else says about you delaying your marriage. it is the mature and right thing to do. nobody should get married if they are already having sexual problems before the marriage. it is a recipe for disaster. 

First, talk to your doctor about your medications. Consider going to a marriage counsellor -- in fact, I think everybody who gets married should go to counselling before they get married. Consider taking a pre honeymoon -- go somewhere for a while, and figure the issues out. 

Bottom line -- my humble opinion is that you should not get married until you have sorted the issues out. I speak from experience. once you have sorted the issues out, you can go forward and tackle the big issues of marriage --- children, career, etc, knowing that sex is "in the bag". 

If you don't believe me, please, please at least talk to your family or a counsellor.


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## lovinhim4ever (Aug 8, 2010)

my fiance and i have already discussed pre-marriage counseling and agree its something we will try. i also think each couple should attend pre-marrital counseling before tying the knot. we are having a long engagement. we will have been engaged almost 2 yrs before getting married next november. i dont think your advice sounds harsh. thank you for the words of encouragement


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree that you should get the low libido issue worked out before getting married. Being constantly rejected by one's spouse is not fun. As far as I can see, it's just plain cruel. I understand that the lack of sexual feelings is not a choice, but the denial of sexual contact and intimacy is a choice. My wife apparently had this low libido issue long before we got married. I love her but I don't understand why someone with zero interest in sex would enter into a marriage, unless their partner knew in advance and also wanted a sexless union. It is part of the deal. Perhaps not the most important, but a significant part none-the-less.


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## mrs.p (Aug 20, 2010)

I am in a similar situation and reading some of the advice and suggestions gives me hope. I didn't lose my sex drive until after we were married but it is pretty much non-existant and I want it back and so does my husband. I think it's such an important part of a relationship and without it you sometimes feel more like "roommates" as I've heard it called. Any more thoughts or suggestions would be great!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Seriously, for anyone who has zero sex drive & cares about their spouse, be more than willing to go see a Doctor about it- and NOW. Don't wait for them to ask you , make it a priority -out of love for them. It is the 1st sign you truly are taking the bull by the horns and doing SOMETHING about the situation- as you have realized you can't muster up these desires on your own many times, most likely a "hormonal" imbalance somewhere. 

Never discount the role hormones play in sexual desire. Much is mental too though. Learn what arouses you - whatever it may be, climb to the ends of the earth for this discovery, it is so important in marraige (if your spouse has a high drive). 

It is very very very very hurtful to be on the recieving end of a spouse who has no drive when you are wanting it all the time. I haven't been there personally, but there was a time , for me where I wanted it more than once a day, but husband couldnt keep up and even this was a struggle for me. So I tried to imagine if he had NO desire, how I would react to that. Just 
being brutally honest here, I feel I would have been capable of falling into the arms of another who felt that "wanting, that need". 

For me personally, I need to know my spouse is "into it" and "into me" , not just going through the emotions, or pleasing me for the sake of pleasing me , for my happiness & not his, would have been "hollow" for me, or became old pretty quick. Some of us need more than that, we need to feel , be on the receiving end of "that Passion". 

So yeah, call the Doc, hire a Sex therapist if you have too!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some people try hormone therapy, some counseling, some adjust their antidepressants. Something is out of whack and it likely can be fixed. Until the problem is fixed, however, it is physically possible for you to act sexual even if you don't naturally feel that way. He should understand you can't take one for the team every night but he shouldn't be denied for weeks on end, either. My wife has low libido and nothing seems to work for her. On the rare occasions where she tries just a little, it always works out great for both of us. It does take a little more foreplay, but that's intimate and great, too. She just doesn't "feel" sexy so she rarely even tries. I love my wife and our marriage is great in almost every other way but this is a HUGE problem. I don't think it's just the sex. Any guy can get himself off. I miss the intimacy and I resent her indifference. It's the knowledge that I am extremely frustrated, she knows it, she's capable of doing something about it, but she just won't. 
If my soldiers are hungry, thirsty, tired, or scared, I do something about it if I can because I care about them and because I'm a human being. I'm not married to them.
I can't imagine passively allowing my wife to suffer if it were in my power to take care of her problem. If I couldn't be bothered to sacrifice 30 minutes of my time out of an entire week to take care of my wife's need, then I'm not much of a partner. 
Your husband is probably going to be doing things for you even when he doesn't feel like it. I don't sit around fantasizing about 99% of the stuff I do for my wife but they are important to her so I do them. Bottom line, if you don't wish to be responsible for meeting your husband's sexual needs who would you prefer do so? 
Our sexuality is the most basic part of who we are. Deny someone that and you essentially erase them as a person.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

Hey there. I am new to this forum and am experiencing the same issue, but I am on the opposite side of the situation. My husband has been on blood pressure medicine for two years which has significantly decreased his sex drive. I applaud you for your efforts and your concern on behalf of your husband's needs. My husband has refused to go to marriage counseling, and remained on this medicine until two days ago (he has been on it for 2 years!) knowing the negative effect it has had on our sexual relationship. If I did not make a doctor's appointment for him, he probably would have never took the initiative to change his meds. 
I feel he has been selfish and never took my needs into consideration. Instead, whenever I speak to him about the issue, he becomes angry and defensive. If I were you, I would speak to your psychiatrist about your low libido issue. The sooner you change your meds, the sooner the issue will become resolved. I am on an antidepressant too (Lexapro). I find that I have a difficult time reaching a climax, but still have a sex drive. 
My husband's lack of sex drive has made me become resentful and sexually frustrated because he never initiates sex and I feel as though he does not care about my needs. It is great that your fiance is supporting you, but from my own experience, the lack of sex can really take a toll on your emotional and sexual needs as a person. I also have noticed I become very angry towards my husband and am less confident. 
If your fiance is willing to go to marriage counseling, then I would go and I would consider changing your meds. Also, there are other ways you can please your fiance to show him you still love him and are sexually interested. 
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

The simple fact is this: he is on blood pressure medication obviously for a reason. He is not on it just to spite you. He can't just get rid of the medication to give you a brilliant sex life because he would probably end up having a stroke and end up paralized or dead. He is not on this medication just so he can get out of sex with you. Looking after your cardiovascular health does not equal selfishness.


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

You are right, looking after your cardiovascular health does not equal selfishness. But looking at pornography and spending money on it, and not having sex with your wife as well as not showing her any other forms of intimacy is being selfish. He was being selfish by not changing his medication. His doctor told him two years ago that one of the side effects is lack of sex drive. His doctor also said that if he experienced this that she could switch his meds no problem. My husband was being selfish by not consulting his doctor. I made an appointment for him to get his medication switched, and ever since then I have seen a major improvement. But, thanks for your input.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

habadash said:


> Hi. I am part of a young couple who was sexless and got married.
> 
> I agree with what everbody else has to say -- find your sexuality, experiment and see what works for the both of you. However, I have one more thing to add - this may sound harsh but my first advice to you is delay the marriage. (you can still stay engaged).
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is spot on marriage will not improve anything if anything you will have to work to keep it at the level b4 marriage.


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

jerseygirl27 said:


> You are right, looking after your cardiovascular health does not equal selfishness. But looking at pornography and spending money on it, and not having sex with your wife as well as not showing her any other forms of intimacy is being selfish. He was being selfish by not changing his medication. His doctor told him two years ago that one of the side effects is lack of sex drive. His doctor also said that if he experienced this that she could switch his meds no problem. My husband was being selfish by not consulting his doctor. I made an appointment for him to get his medication switched, and ever since then I have seen a major improvement. But, thanks for your input.


Soo just so you know men like doctors as much as asking for directions, this may have nothing to do with you at all, just the way us pig headed men are


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

I'm going to approach this from a different angle. 

Do you ever have sexual desire for other men? Does fantasizing about your favorite celebrity do the trick? What I'm getting at is this: Have you really lost your sex drive, or just your sex drive for your husband? I ask this because of the quote below.



lovinhim4ever said:


> I am lucky to be so in love with my best friend but rly hope our sex life improves. I feel that it is all my fault.


I hope you haven't "friend zoned" your husband. This happens a lot with "nice guys" who get married. They are a great provider, father, husband, etc. They do everything but inspire passion and desire. 

Most "nice guys" who are in sexless marriages have wives who want sex, they just don't want sex with their husbands.


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## lovinhim4ever (Aug 8, 2010)

i understand what you are asking but no, i dont feel that i have only lost my sex drive for him. it seems so be lost in general. 

we are, however trying to work on this issue and so far, so good. thank you for everyone's advice


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## jerseygirl27 (Aug 23, 2010)

Brewster 59 said:


> Soo just so you know men like doctors as much as asking for directions, this may have nothing to do with you at all, just the way us pig headed men are



Very true!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Any chance that you could get on the day shift at work?

Being awake all night long and sleeping during the day can mess you up in a lot of ways.

And that's besides the lack of time when both of you are in the same room and awake.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your guy can "take matters in his own hands" but that doesn't take care of his real problem. He's missing crucial, indispensable intimate bonding. Love has a short memory and people need to be frequently reminded that they are wanted, appreciated, and desirable. You both give a lot of yourselves to the rest of the world but regularly, you need to shut all those other people out and re-bond intimately and sexually with each other. You don't do anything important without some planning. Figure out when you are least stressed and least tired and make a date to have sex with your fiance'. Rest up, if you can, psyche yourself into the mood (or as close to it as you can get) and then just do it. If the moment arrives and you still feel "dead", view it as a loving, unselfish act you're doing for him. If you feel as if you're a lamb being led to the slaughter, you'll feel (and probably act) resentful and that's a mood killer.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Do not marry him until these problems are worked out or at least understood within the trusted environment of professional counseling. I've lived through more than a decade of the aftermath -- it gets worse, not better. 


Good luck,


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If his heart can stand the rigors of looking at porn, it ought to be able to sustain him while he gives his wife some oral pleasure. Maybe the meds interfere with his erections but there are other ways to take care of his wife and seems to me that he should at least try.


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi 



this is my first post on this site and I am not sure if I am posting in the right place or not but here goes...
I am a 23 yr old female and my fiancé is also 23. We have been a couple for about 4 & 1/2 yrs and engaged for about 8 months. We have your typical ups and downs but overall have a pretty good relationship. We work totally opposite schedules, I work the night shift (11pm-7am) at a hospital and he works 6am-4pm, and then coaches youth football in the area 3 days a week from 6pm-8:30pm. Needless to say, we are pretty busy all the time. When we do have time to spend together, we take advantage of that. We love eachother very much and can't wait to get married next year and have a family. Enough history, here is my issue. My sex drive is pretty low, almost nonexistent which makes me feel very bad. 

Judith: Usually for women they can help themselves to be able to hepl their drive to be more active and ready etc. Several suggestions for you and they have worked for women 

Schedule it even if you dont make it on that day, think about sex most of the day, wear sexy clothing, start with nonsexual affection first and not push for intercourse as yet. The more you have sex the more your body and you realize the feelings etc from it and then the more you will want to do it. maybe start out with once a week and as you find you will and he want it more. 

My fiancé doesn't complain about it usually but I know he wishes we were intimate more often. I am usually too tired or just not in the mood and he accepts that without complaint.

Judith: If there is some emotional issue going on then maybe figure out what that is that is preventing you-it could be just ordinary things or something that you feel is important. 
WOmen can help themselves by getting in the mood by reading something earlier in the day-or transition from mother or whatever to sexy person before it happens. Is he talking to you throughout the day and so on. Is he helping aroudn the house and so on. Sex begins in the kitchen so to speak. Is he meeting your convo needs. SOetimes women need to feel close nonsexually before engaging in sex. 

I know there are times when he "takes matters into his own two hands", so to speak and I'm okay with that since I'm not up to sex most of the time. I am on anxiety/depression meds for my anxiety and depression of past issues and I have heard that such meds can decrease ones sex drive. 

Judith: True depending on what meds they are. 

I love him very much and even tho he says he is happy even if we don't have sex as often as he would like, I want to want sex more. 

Judith: Why not start with sex once a week for now. nonsexual touch leading into sexual touch before intercourse before even attempting intercourse and see what happens

I want us to be happy. I can't go off my meds, should I consult my doctor about possibly trying a new med or something?

Judith: Yes and there are and they work. 

I know he wouldn't cheat on me and I trust him but I want him to be happier with our sex life or for us to actually have one. I feel like a terrible person but sex just isn't as important to me as I guess it should be, and yet he loves me just the same.

Judith: It is vital for both of you to have sex and however often is occuring for both of you is important. Usually in your 20s especially guys they want it alot. When he hits his 30s he will start to slow down. 

I am lucky to be so in love with my best friend but rly hope our sex life improves. I feel that it is all my fault.

Judith: I wouldn't make it totally your fault but i wouldn't say it is any fault. It is just learning about things and male female differences that is going to help you-make this work etc. 

any advice or thoughts would be much appreciated. Thanx for reading my book of a post, lol.

Judith
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