# Another one bites the dust



## HowNowBrokenVow? (Jul 7, 2016)

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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I am so sorry you're here. But you will find a lot of support here if you choose to stay.

I do have to say, your writing style is quite comical. Although your story is sad, I couldn't help but chuckle at some of the things you wrote.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HowNowBrokenVow? (Jul 7, 2016)

Support sounds lovely. How long before the elephant gets off your chest and in the back seat?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> Support sounds lovely. How long before the elephant gets off your chest and in the back seat?


For me it was 2.5 years. I was married 21 years


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## HowNowBrokenVow? (Jul 7, 2016)

2.5 years. I can't even figure out the next five minutes. (Or this forum on my cell phone)


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I think the "elephant" question's answer is often determined by what your goal is and how you go about getting there. Do you want to work it out or was it a deal breaker for you?
I ,also, love the way you write. You have quite the way with a turn of phrase.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Well, you have more balls than the betrayed husbands I've seen on another site. While you're filled with justified anger, those guys are filled with fear of losing their unremorseful cheating wives. You got guts, kid.

And lol at LCB. How old is your daughter?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> My marriage has been such that I've found myself sniffing around here every so often but not often or long enough to know the shorthand. Some of them like EA, STBX, and the like I get but, I'll definitely need to take a class or something to decipher the rest. A remedial for certain as I've recently discovered that I am the biggest fool in the world. Stupid personified. Stupid...in yoga pants. Stupid and now sliding toward singular again after 13 years. My husband thinks he's smart. My husband is a also a lying, cheating bastard. I've only known this about him for 10 days. I feel like a crazy person. Laser like focus on what to do to protect my daughter from all this but at the same time a sense of anger and betrayal that feels bottomless. There is devastation as far as the psyche can see. And for what? Kik sexting. 5 minutes and a towel. Well, 3 minutes. He's the liar, not me. He swears it never went beyond the phone but I know he had her come to his office. I'm ain't too sharp in the smarts as we've already established but, even a stick and a wind up brain could figure that one out. He has me over a barrel financially as I've been a SAHM for a decade. I'm mad at him but madder at myself for my predicament. He's pleading with me to work it out and go to counseling. He loves me dontcha know? He's loved me especially a lot since Wed. when he was caught. It would take a wizard, a wand, a priest, 2 bouncers and a helluva lot of pixie dust to make me ever trust or respect this man again. I don't know why I'm here. I guess to vent. The only crazy I've been able to cat around in as my new role of woman scorned has been to change his description in my cell from hubby to "LCB". I feel like I need to ask a question or something to warrant this post so, if my daughter asks, shall I say it means "Lovey Cuddle Bear"?


If I read between the lines, it sounds like you've already made your mind up about what's best for you, and are going to file for divorce.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If she came to his office, it by definition went beyond the phone.

I would advise getting at least one legal consult this coming week. SAHM's come on here all the time thinking they 'can't' leave their marriages. Of course they can, though. Talk to a lawyer to see what the financial settlement would look like. You won't be eating cat food, so don't let the fear of the unknown stop you from finding out what your legal options are.


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## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here. Once trust is broken, it takes a long road to win it back. Everyone's situation is different - are you willing to go through the exposing process, and think about reconciliation? If not - do you or are you formulating a plan for divorce and what the next steps would be?

I have a sense you're leaning towards divorce at this point. Before you go whole hog, make sure you take a long, hard look at your life together to determine what you think your next steps should be.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Cheaters lie a lot as you've found. You won't be able to believe anything that comes out of his mouth. You'll get a lot of good advice. If you get strong and stay there you'll get through this easier.

Definitely see an attourney. In the meantime if the other woman is married call her husband tomorrow am sharp. Do this without warning!!!!!! Affairs only thrive in secret and in the dark. Let the lovers deal with the aftermath. IMO I'd inform his family as well.

It's early so you need some time to think about what you want. You're angry and that's a good sign. No begging, pleading, etc. Make no mistake this is all on him. No marriage is perfect but cheating is about as low class as you can get.

Move fast don't dawdle on this.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Collect your evidence and store it in a safe place. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-post-9.html?highlight=standard+evidence+post


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> He has me over a barrel financially as I've been a SAHM for a decade.


Who told you that? You own half of everything he has.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

{He has me over a barrel financially as I've been a SAHM for a decade.}

Did he feed you that lie too? Total bullsh!t.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Well, what a mess, huh?
We will help you get through this and do yourself a favor, listen to the advice here at TAM.
I did not dump my cheating spouse when I came here in 2011 and I could have saved myself all these years of lies, false hope, phony reconciliations and torment.
Please listen to us.
Contact an attorney like yesterday.
Expose the homewrecker.
Be Strong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> Support sounds lovely. How long before the elephant gets off your chest and in the back seat?


Well if you stick to your guns and get divorced you will get over it sooner. If you try to stay together you could be 10 years out and still posting about how unhappy you are.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is simple (although not easy). Lawyer up and get what you are entitled to.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> 2.5 years. I can't even figure out the next five minutes. (Or this forum on my cell phone)


When my counselor back then told me it would take at least a year, I was shocked. The pain and stress was unbearable. I didn't think I could survive that long with such terrible distress. But thank goodness, nobody dies of a broken heart. You will be the walking wounded for a while though.

Meds helped a little, positive outlets helped a little more, reaching the anger stage eased the passage of time a heck of a lot more. 2.5 years of going through hell was a long time to carry that huge weight day in and day out. But there is no shortcut to healing. You have to get through it at your own pace.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You can possibly reconcile with him.

You can possibly divorce him.

What happens will be as a result of several factors including if he is genuinely remorseful, if you want your marriage to continue and so forth.

Counselling will be of benefit to you either as a couple or individual. 

You will need STD tests and a polygraph for him could be of help.

We will be here for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HowNowBrokenVow? (Jul 7, 2016)

Wow. I feel like I asked for a cup of sugar and Seal Team 6 showed up with a crop of sugar cane. For the past few days I've felt like I'm alone in a foreign country with no passport, don't speak the language and nary a fresh pair of undies in sight so I appreciate the advice and support more than I can articulate appropriately. I hastily made an initial post on my cell phone yesterday and then oddly enough found myself alone for the evening with the LCB because my child stayed with family last night. This doesn't happen often so we took advantage of the ability to talk, yell, cry and catalog the devastation.
I didn't handle last night well and it did nothing to help my convincing him of my resolve. There are a few things that some of you mentioned that I think I may have done right though. 
I spoke with a lawyer on Day 4. I have proof squirreled away in every direction even though it's tame. The good stuff he admitted but, deleted. I have no idea why but, I taped the initial confrontation I had with him on my cell's voice recorder. I doubt it will do me any good as for every admission of his, there is 3 more of my "YOU THREW US AWAY YOU LYING CHEATING BASTARD!" I'm not proud. I wasn't shrieking like a banshee but, close in a few hot moments. I haven't been able to listen to it yet, but, it's eau de fresh in my mangled little mind. Ugh. I can't even take the cliche' of it all. I can't take the words I hear coming out of my mouth when we talk. The Hallmark horkathon makes me sick. I've been for the most part business, all about it minus the two crybaby slipups I regret but, unfortunately can't take back like the tree troll he played telephone with. I've made it abundantly clear that we are headed for divorce, I just don't know the timeframe given my situation. I will never, ever trust him again. I have no desire to shove a daisy up his behind and pretend that this "made us stronger" so I can live with myself. Lies. Cheating. Deceit. I take 50% ownership of the craptastical state of our marriage before this but, I take 0 in his choice to cheat. I'm 43, I feel like I'm 87 this past week. He keeps on about counseling and is showing remorse, crying, talking, taking ownership etc. but, I know me. I will not get past this. I won't. It was my one thing. I have never wavered on my stance on cheating. Never. I know what I can tolerate. I wish I was a bigger person, but, I'm not. Which, I guess brings me to now, he wants to go to counseling to just please try to see if we can save it, make it easier for our child, etc. He told me he called them back and told them I was unwilling to go, didn't believe we could save our marriage and they told him that is normal, many couples facing adultery issues (wth??? It's not like Adultery is a Sasquatch and there was a f*&^%$ sighting. He chased it! Invited it in for a freaking sandwich!) 
I'm trying to make sense. I really am. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I know I can never trust him again. I felt nothing talking to the attorney. Didn't scare me one bit. When my daughter asked today so sweet and timid and hopeful, so "Things are going better between y'all, Momma?". That scared me in my soul. She's old enough to know there's something and I'm honest about us having a rough patch, etc. 
I don't see how to save my family. I also don't see how I can not do everything in my power to try. Is that even doing the right thing? He's pleading. I'm not a sucker(well, ok, I turned in my keys and uniform last Wed). 
I see before me a caught man, but, a broken one nonetheless. I loathe the cliche' fool I feel I'll have to be if I try to "move past this" as he's verbalized about 4,000 times. I must stop the ramble. Thanks for listening.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We will bring more sugar, soon. The British contingent (SAS / SBS) will bring tea and milk (Real milk, not that watery stuff!) to make you some hot sweet tea.

Anything is possible but keep all your options open.

And expect him to confess to worse stuff later on. As this often happens. It is known as trickle truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

HNBV:

Your writing style is quirky and entertaining, even if your situation is anything but...

Do yourself a favor and Google the Karpman Drama Triangle. You may find it very interesting.

Hint: your WH is living in the victim chair.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@HowNowBrokenVow?, 

I am writing to you tonight as a former Disloyal Spouse, meaning that, yes, I was the one who cheated on my spouse. I will make this easier for you:

When a cheating spouse is caught, the vast majority of the time what they are actually sorry about is that their choices are going to cost them, and the cost is high. I've been working with unfaithful couples now for 17 years, and I would rough estimate that 90%+ of the disloyals wanted to have their cake and eat it too (aka wanted their spouse to babysit and pay the bills AND wanted their "lover" for thrills and ego strokes). When their spouse finds out and says "The cost of cheating is divorce" ... seriously I'd say 90% or more will do one of two things: 1) 'So I don't care. I want the Other Person (OP)' and no matter what, never, ever admit they were wrong; or 2) 'I'm SO SORRY! I've changed! I mean it! If you leave, you are breaking up our family!'

DO NOT FALL FOR EITHER ONE. THEY ARE BOTH BULL DOODOO!

I believe I'd be very generous in stating that maybe 10% are actually, truly remorseful, and if you are having trouble telling the difference between "being sorry they were caught and having to pay a price" and truly remorseful, here are some clues:

1) Of his own accord, without you asking or "making him," he not only ends all contact with the OP, but also with all the people who knew he was having an affair and who helped him along, and all people who were "friends" of him and the OP as a couple, and people who he didn't tell that he was married to YOU! In other words, he polices himself.

2) Of his own accord, he gets an appointment for an Individual Counselor (IC) and gets his behind end TO every counseling session and does the homework in between to figure out what defect/flaw of character and personality he has to be able to treat someone he loves this way. In other words, you don't "remind" him to make the appointment, you don't "nag" him to go to the sessions, nada. He does it on his own because in his heart of hearts he wants to fix himself.

3) Related to #2, of his accord, he admits out loud to you and to himself that HE was wrong, and that cheating was HIS CHOICE and in no way, ever, shifts the blame to you or suggests you participated or tries to convince you that what you know for a fact IS TRUE...was all in your mind. In other words, he takes personal responsibility for his own choice, and for enduring the natural costs of his choice. It wasn't YOU (something you said or did)... nor was it just something you made up in your head (making you doubt your own observations)... but rather, IT WAS 100% HIM AND HIM ALONE. Period.

4) Of his own accord, he will show compassion for you and the pain he caused. Yes, it may be uncomfortable for him to witness your pain or endure the ebbs and flows of it, but because he is remorseful, his actions will speak louder than his words, and his actions will indicate that he has empathy and care and mercy and tolerance. In other words you will not hear "Oh for crying out loud could you just GET OVER IT?" and you will not need to tell him what he needs to do. Now this can be a little confusing--sometimes he might ask, "Honey I can see you're hurting--what can I do to help or make you feel better?" and that's a legitimate request. But you won't hear "Good Lord, what do I have to do to get you to shut up about this and stop the divorce?"

5) Of his own accord, he will be transparent with you, and I don't mean that you make a list and he grudgingly gives you just the bare minimum of things you "demand." I mean, that he will begin to live life in a different way and INCLUDE you in everything, reveal to you his thoughts and feelings, and open up his phone, his computer, his entire being to you...in other words he will let you SEE THOUGH to see the True Him rather than lying, deceiving and covering up so you only see what he wants you to see and are included only where he wants you to be included. Now, you can TRY to demand all this, but unless he does this out of his own heart because that's the way he wants to live with you, then he may do it, but he'll resent it! 

So in summary, you don't have to believe his apologizing and pleading one bit. Tell him that AT MINIMUM you want to separate for the next 6 months to 1 year and then WATCH HIM. If he does #1-#5 of his own accord while he is not with you, then he is serious. If he does not, then he was blowing daisies up your bum really meant that he was sorry his choices meant he actually had to pay a price!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> My marriage has been such that I've found myself sniffing around here every so often but not often or long enough to know the shorthand. Some of them like EA, STBX, and the like I get but, I'll definitely need to take a class or something to decipher the rest. A remedial for certain as I've recently discovered that I am the biggest fool in the world. Stupid personified. Stupid...in yoga pants. Stupid and now sliding toward singular again after 13 years. My husband thinks he's smart. My husband is a also a lying, cheating bastard. I've only known this about him for 10 days. I feel like a crazy person. Laser like focus on what to do to protect my daughter from all this but at the same time a sense of anger and betrayal that feels bottomless. There is devastation as far as the psyche can see. And for what? Kik sexting. 5 minutes and a towel. Well, 3 minutes. He's the liar, not me. He swears it never went beyond the phone but I know he had her come to his office. I'm ain't too sharp in the smarts as we've already established but, even a stick and a wind up brain could figure that one out. He has me over a barrel financially as I've been a SAHM for a decade. I'm mad at him but madder at myself for my predicament. He's pleading with me to work it out and go to counseling. He loves me dontcha know? He's loved me especially a lot since Wed. when he was caught. It would take a wizard, a wand, a priest, 2 bouncers and a helluva lot of pixie dust to make me ever trust or respect this man again. I don't know why I'm here. I guess to vent. The only crazy I've been able to cat around in as my new role of woman scorned has been to change his description in my cell from hubby to "LCB". I feel like I need to ask a question or something to warrant this post so, if my daughter asks, shall I say it means "Lovey Cuddle Bear"?


Not to be facetious "Lowdown Conniving ******"


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HowNowBrokenVow? said:


> Wow. I feel like I asked for a cup of sugar and Seal Team 6 showed up with a crop of sugar cane. For the past few days I've felt like I'm alone in a foreign country with no passport, don't speak the language and nary a fresh pair of undies in sight so I appreciate the advice and support more than I can articulate appropriately. I hastily made an initial post on my cell phone yesterday and then oddly enough found myself alone for the evening with the LCB because my child stayed with family last night. This doesn't happen often so we took advantage of the ability to talk, yell, cry and catalog the devastation.
> I didn't handle last night well and it did nothing to help my convincing him of my resolve. There are a few things that some of you mentioned that I think I may have done right though.
> I spoke with a lawyer on Day 4. I have proof squirreled away in every direction even though it's tame. The good stuff he admitted but, deleted. I have no idea why but, I taped the initial confrontation I had with him on my cell's voice recorder. I doubt it will do me any good as for every admission of his, there is 3 more of my "YOU THREW US AWAY YOU LYING CHEATING BASTARD!" I'm not proud. I wasn't shrieking like a banshee but, close in a few hot moments. I haven't been able to listen to it yet, but, it's eau de fresh in my mangled little mind. Ugh. I can't even take the cliche' of it all. I can't take the words I hear coming out of my mouth when we talk. The Hallmark horkathon makes me sick. I've been for the most part business, all about it minus the two crybaby slipups I regret but, unfortunately can't take back like the tree troll he played telephone with. I've made it abundantly clear that we are headed for divorce, I just don't know the timeframe given my situation. I will never, ever trust him again. I have no desire to shove a daisy up his behind and pretend that this "made us stronger" so I can live with myself. Lies. Cheating. Deceit. I take 50% ownership of the craptastical state of our marriage before this but, I take 0 in his choice to cheat. I'm 43, I feel like I'm 87 this past week. He keeps on about counseling and is showing remorse, crying, talking, taking ownership etc. but, I know me. I will not get past this. I won't. It was my one thing. I have never wavered on my stance on cheating. Never. I know what I can tolerate. I wish I was a bigger person, but, I'm not. Which, I guess brings me to now, he wants to go to counseling to just please try to see if we can save it, make it easier for our child, etc. He told me he called them back and told them I was unwilling to go, didn't believe we could save our marriage and they told him that is normal, many couples facing adultery issues (wth??? It's not like Adultery is a Sasquatch and there was a f*&^%$ sighting. He chased it! Invited it in for a freaking sandwich!)
> I'm trying to make sense. I really am. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. I know I can never trust him again. I felt nothing talking to the attorney. Didn't scare me one bit. When my daughter asked today so sweet and timid and hopeful, so "Things are going better between y'all, Momma?". That scared me in my soul. She's old enough to know there's something and I'm honest about us having a rough patch, etc.
> ...



Sorry you are here, and joined the hall of fame for the partners of LCBs!
You say you feel like you are in a foreign country, don't worry, you will get home soon.

You need to have an action plan
1.	Do the 180 on him, emotionally disconnect, show him you are not going to be walked over
2.	Can you contact a lawyer to see what your options are?
3.	The OW, do you know anything about her, single, married, etc
4.	Tell the family, both his and yours. Tell all your friends, he needs to be accountable and you need support
5.	Ask him to take an STD test, do you think anything else happened?
6.	Go back home for a holiday, take the kid(s)to get away and clear your head and be pampered a bit.
7.	Did you work before you became a SAHM? If so consider looking for work again.
8.	Try and get IC for yourself to work through the emotions
9.	Church/religious organisations would have this type of counselling
You should not make any decisions now, to make up or break up that is, look after yourself, pamper yourself, leave LCB aside for the time being.
However, cheaters will beg, plead, gas light, etc. Be aware of the impact of emotions.


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## HowNowBrokenVow? (Jul 7, 2016)

aine said:


> Sorry you are here, and joined the hall of fame for the partners of LCBs!
> You say you feel like you are in a foreign country, don't worry, you will get home soon.
> 
> You need to have an action plan
> ...


I have been calling in friend/family favors to go visit, to get away, but, I'm running out of options. We have marriage counseling scheduled but, I'm not sure I want to go. Our goals are different. His at the moment involve reconciliation. Mine, making the future easier and healthier for our daughter. 
I don't understand how I could expose without hurting her and I just can't do that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

People expose cheaters when they want the cheater to stop and they want to stay married. If that's not your goal, don't bother.

Many people go to MC to work out the details of separation with a professional so as to cause as little harm to the kids as possible.


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