# the inability to see SO's viewpoint



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

i read around here more than i post. but a couple threads lately and my own experience got me thinking about what it is that makes us unbale to look at things from the other person's perspective.

for example, there is a thread of a WS who claims to have talked to her husband about sexual dissatisfaction but it fell on deaf ears so she went and proudly had an affair. i realize this is HER side of the story only and there is ALWAYS more to it, but it struck me how over and over she kept saying "i tried to explain it to him, he doesnt care, blah blah blah".

the point is, i have had disagreements with my SO for pretty much the same reason: i saw things one way, she saw it differently, and neither was willing to cave to the view of the other. while the issue at the time may have been trivial comapred to feeling emboldened to go and have an affair, the basic premise to me is the same.

so is it pride, ego, stubornnes, narcism or some other trait that casues this? there are times when i feel like i am 100% right and will not budge, and arguing my case goes to no avail. sometimes i would rather just say "this aint the hill i want to die on" or "sometimes when you loose, you really win". 

i'm just trying to understand if this is a deal breaker for a relationship, if there is a better way to handle it, orwhen you fell you are right, do you go full throttle to stand firm?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I am able to see the viewpoint, albeit through a narrow hole.

From whichever angle I look, I see "divorce".

Divorce first, then eat whatever shyt you wish to.

There is no viewpoint when the subject is cheating, there never was, and there never will be. Simple.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> I am able to see the viewpoint, albeit through a narrow hole.
> 
> From whichever angle I look, I see "divorce".
> ...


of course not. i wasnt really talking about, excusing or justifying cheating as i have seen to be so common around here.

i was thinking along the lines of a simple disagreement, where to parties can't (or won't) see or give any credibilty to the other person's view. some people will argue to NO END untill they "win". seems to me, this is exactly what cheaters do, they only see thing there way, and justify the behavior bcasue of it.



but you can take the same logic and multiply it and use it to justify things up to and including cheating.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I believe it's a lack of empathy.

It can be learned, unless you're a sociopath, but there needs to be motivation to overcome the laziness and selfishness that clouds empathy.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

In my case the position taken was really to obscure the fact that she had spread her legs for another man, while still married to me. The "Argumentative" stonewalling was just a cover. 
LOL at trying to take her seriously as a husband... my mistake!


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I believe it's a lack of empathy.
> 
> It can be learned, unless you're a sociopath, but there needs to be motivation to overcome the laziness and selfishness that clouds empathy.


of course, absoltuely.

em·pa·thy noun \ˈem-pə-thē\ : the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions : the ability to share someone else's feelings


the question to me is WHY........what makes it so that we can not empathise? when some says to you " i see where you are coming from, BUT.........


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If the aggrieved spouse has made attempts to talk through the issues with their other spouse, including MC, to no avail - then it boils down to a choice.

1 - Stay and hope the marriage can be tolerated.
2 - Divorce and hope to find a better partner
3 - Cheat

The choice to cheat is a moral/ethical decision in this day and age. Personally, having experienced infidelity, I view that choice as cowardly, selfish, and a major character flaw. I have no sympathy for spouses that cheat, when they had two other options to chose from. Granted, I have an enlightened perspective; but to me, that makes it all the more valid.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I think it may be empathy, but also that it may have to do with the basic differences with the sexes and how we are raised to react and behave/ handle situations. I have seen this in several threads lately.

There have been examples where the men just don't understand the email exchanges between women and what is "acceptable" languages and where the lines are crossed. As men we are not brought up to be open and expressive like women are, so when we see what we perceive as expressions of love, they don't necessarily see them the same way (thread about spouse finding emails between wife and her girl friend) when they are between to long time girlfriends.

Then there is the differences in dealing with violence. As men we are taught to be tough, strong, and fight for what we believe in and defend what is ours. Yet many women can't seem to understand why the men have such distinct hatred for the OM and want to "beat" or cause worse harm to him, but do nothing physical to the WW, which deserves all of that and more (My Living Hell thread). As men we are taught to not strike women and stand up and defend them and their honor no matter what. For us we see striking a woman as cowardly and disgraceful, yet women think it unfair that we as men are unwilling to dole out the same punishment for the same crime/ offense.

These differences are what make us unique and also make it so hard for us to not see the other's side. Like the question that was posed in one thread (forget which one) where it was stated that most women would respond that men and women can be just friends without any further issues or attractions, yet most men think it is not possible and that the men will want to be intimate with the woman at some point and the attraction is always there. It is the psychological differences that are at play here, and sometimes we just can't see the other viewpoint no matter how hard we try. It i these same reasons that it is harder for men to get over their WS's PA's, than it is for women and women have harder issues with healing after their WS's EA's than men do generally.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

x598 said:


> of course, absoltuely.
> 
> em·pa·thy noun \ˈem-pə-thē\ : the feeling that you understand and share another person's experiences and emotions : the ability to share someone else's feelings
> 
> ...


As I said - they haven't learned it. Poor parental role models, perhaps, or they were either always the center or attention and praise, or (less likely, I think, in terms of being able to learn) often picked on, criticized, or bullied.


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