# Reconciliation?



## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

I've already posted about my husband's 18 month ea with a woman/stripper that is close to our daughter's age. He insist that they have never touched and the relationshion was inappropriate friendship. He says he was just trying to help a young woman get out of that life......... I say help her get out of that life by encouraging her to have an affair with a married (close to 27 yrs). Okay....?? :scratchhead:

My question, as you can guess, I am having a very very difficult time with this. We are attempting R so I asked him about old bank records which I can certainly get on my own if need be. He has cried and begged me not to go get the records. He says he was completely out of his mind and would be embarassed for me to view the bank records when he was at his lowest. I asked him repeatedly if this involved either the affair partner I know of or ANY other person. He has sworn that he has NEVER been sexual with anyone ever but still he doesn't want me to see records from 2 years ago.

I did see some text but there were no sexual contents. 

My counselor says that as long as he is transparent now and is working on building trust, I should just let the past go.

Not happy with that answer - what do you think?


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

I think if you really want to reconcile, then you should know exactly what it is he's trying to hide so you can make your decision based on all the information available. If you decide to reconcile now and something comes out later about something he's hidden, that wouldn't be a good situation, no?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

He's still hiding things. It's time for him to pony up with everything once and for all so that you can move on from this.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

It's going to bother you until you find out.
WS NEVER tell the whole truth, only what they have to. 
Don't involve him or he will try to hide things. 
Do the investigation yourself. 
Then, and only then, can you decide whether you can R.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fire your counselor and keep digging. You WH is asking for blind trust that he hasn't earned. He had it once and he broke it. Reconciliation isn't his choice, it's yours (you're taking _him_ back), and you deserve to know that you have nothing less than the absolute truth regarding his infidelity before fully committing to it.

Also, 18 months and no sex? Doesn't sound legit to me. 

Like I said, keep digging. You might find all sorts of things on the credit card bills.


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## HubbyDaddy2013 (Jul 2, 2013)

I think it is disturbing that she is almost your daughter's age. Many people say that age shouldn't matter, but when you are 50+ years old and betraying your wife with a girl maybe only a year, or two, or three older than your actual daughter...Yeah that is nasty. He has some deep down sexual mental issues! 


Now I MIGHT be biased because I think it is absolutely nasty when I see a legitimate couple together where one of them had already graduated high school before the other one was born in general. I think it's just too much of an age difference regardless...So I could just be opinionated on the matter. 

Good luck on Reconciliation.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you want to R with him, he needs to be totally transparent. Anything else is rug-sweeping and that's never a good idea. Your counselor is wrong. Look at the records.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Fire your counselor and keep digging. You WH is asking for blind trust that he hasn't earned. He had it once and he broke it. Reconciliation isn't his choice, it's yours (you're taking _him_ back), and you deserve to know that you have nothing less than the absolute truth regarding his infidelity before fully committing to it.
> 
> Also, 18 months and no sex? Doesn't sound legit to me.
> 
> Like I said, keep digging. You might find all sorts of things on the credit card bills.



He saw her/took her out to eat about 4 times in the 18 months as she resides 3 states away. But he was in regular text and phone contact with her. I pay the cell phone bills, but I never thought to research who was texting or calling. Also, to get detailed records, I would have to have made special request from the phone company, but at that time I had NO suspicions.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Trust your gut. I made the mistake of ignoring mine. Don't make my mistake.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Some observations:

1 - Perhaps your husband is the rare exception, but to believe any man would have an 18 month EA and it not go physical, defies the odds. Those bank records may shed some light on that or they may not, but don't bury your head in the sand by failing to look at them. Me thinks he protesteth too much. 

2 - Your counselor is an idiot.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

A - This counselor doesn't have sufficient experience with infidelity to understand your need to see those records; consider getting someone who does. I recommend the Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists which can be found here:

Marriage Friendly Therapists

(check the individual biographies re experience counseling couples dealing with infidelity)

B - An 18 month emotional affair with a stripper strains credulity. Highly doubtful it did NOT get physical. Why is he so afraid of your seeing the bank records if he didn't have something to hide - like motel bills? You really need to see those records. I hope for your sake there are no motel bills, but if he had nothing to hide, why would he be making a big deal out of this?

C - I would advise that you mention to him that if he did have sex with her, even if he used a condom, he could have gotten HPV from her and transmitted it to you. Untreated, it can lead to cervical cancer, and your H can't be tested for HPV - only women can. It would be wise, even if he continues to deny he had sex with her, for you to schedule a pap with an HPV test to be safe.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

We just talked about it again. He says there is nothing incriminating on those records. He says the problem is that I am going to go through every record with a fine tooth comb and will be questioning him to death when there is nothing more there. He only admits to meeting her at outdoor restaurants those 4 times and nothing else. He was only physically in that state those 4 times. He answers my questions now but feel there is no way he will remember what a small charge might be 2 years ago. Says there are no hotels, gifts or anything like that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Get the records....


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

hopefulgirl said:


> A - This counselor doesn't have sufficient experience with infidelity to understand your need to see those records; consider getting someone who does. I recommend the Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists which can be found here:
> 
> Marriage Friendly Therapists
> 
> ...


Still insist it was a father/daughter relationship and nothing more, though he does admit it was wholly inappropriate. Claims when he met her at the sports bar he could tell she was a stripper, felt sorry for her because he has daughters and just wanted to help her get out of that lifestyle. She is no longer stripping (I called her place of employment)-he has also verified that as he paid for her certification. 

All I can say about that is you never know where your medical assistant has been...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Samantha36 said:


> He says the problem is that I am going to go through every record with a fine tooth comb and will be questioning him to death when there is nothing more there.
> 
> Says there are no hotels, gifts or anything like that.


Well then, if that's the worst thing he has to be worried about, he shouldn't be that concerned. That's nothing more than what a lot of other husbands have to deal with every month.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Hold his feet to the fire by getting the records...also, he is still full of sh*t when it comes to the stripper bit. Trust me...he did not all of a sudden be come the patron saint of strippers.


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

Get the records - in my case they told me much more than my WS ever did.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Samantha36 said:


> My counselor says that as long as he is transparent now and is working on building trust, I should just let the past go.


Our counselor said that to Dig (my husband) on week 3 after Dday. He had been down and angry because he needed details to heal and at the time, I still held back a little (which was horribly wrong). I remember distinctly feeling so angry at the counselor for saying that to him and *I* was the one who had the affair!!

I talked to Dig when we got in the car and told him that she was wrong and that he had every right to ask questions and that there was no just "letting go" ever! She was promptly fired the next day. We found a counselor who specialized in infidelity and was a part of the Marriage Buster network. SHE is the one who led us on a good path. She was terrific.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Samantha36 said:


> We just talked about it again. He says there is nothing incriminating on those records. *He says the problem is that I am going to go through every record with a fine tooth comb and will be questioning him to death when there is nothing more there. * He only admits to meeting her at outdoor restaurants those 4 times and nothing else. He was only physically in that state those 4 times. He answers my questions now but feel there is no way he will remember what a small charge might be 2 years ago. Says there are no hotels, gifts or anything like that.


Blameshifting. Get the records and go through them. He's trying to guilt you into dropping the matter. Wonder why?

"Your counselor is an idiot." -- A sentence that gets repeated often here.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My question, as you can guess, I am having a very very difficult time with this. We are attempting R so I asked him about old bank records which I can certainly get on my own if need be. He has cried and begged me not to go get the records. He says he was completely out of his mind and would be embarassed for me to view the bank records when he was at his lowest. I asked him repeatedly if this involved either the affair partner I know of or ANY other person. He has sworn that he has NEVER been sexual with anyone ever but still he doesn't want me to see records from 2 years ago.
I did see some text but there were no sexual contents. 

*My counselor says that as long as he is transparent now and is working on building trust, I should just let the past go.*





Samantha36 said:


> We just talked about it again. He says there is nothing incriminating on those records. He says the problem is that I am going to go through every record with a fine tooth comb and will be questioning him to death when there is nothing more there. He only admits to meeting her at outdoor restaurants those 4 times and nothing else. He was only physically in that state those 4 times. He answers my questions now but feel there is no way he will remember what a small charge might be 2 years ago. Says there are no hotels, gifts or anything like that.




In the first post above it seems like he is hiding something, then in the second post he is saying he does not want to be questions to death as there is nothing there.

I would get those records and if he can't remember some of the small details I would be fine with that, but I would not relent, get them, his first reaction of begging and crying about them seems to show that there are things in there that he does not want you to know.

As far as the counselor. He/she is correct in letting go of the past, but...., not right now. He/she should give you some space and time to get some more answers and these bank statement might reveal more. If that is the case he/she is being unfair to you. He/she is asking you to let go of what past? Is he/she suggesting that you don't need to know what happened? Again, this is totally unfair to you. If those statements show nothing and your husband is correct, it should bolster more trust that he was not lying. I am not holding my breath though.


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## shannybear123 (May 6, 2014)

Get the records, don't ask him for them just get them, before he closes the account and reopens a new one and everything is lost....

You deserve to know what he was spending money on, its possible he was supporting her in more ways than he is admitting to. (Helping with rent, bills etc) Usually when they dont want you to "go through things with a fine tooth comb", its because you will find something in there that they were trying to hide.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

It's still going on.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

stevehowefan said:


> It's still going on.


I am certain it is not going on now. He told me 7 months ago and cut off all contact. There isn't any funny business going on now but 2 years ago, I just wasn't paying much attention when the statements came. I have always paid the bills, but just never looked very closely.

But definitely not now as I am very aware of not only where he is but all our money.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

shannybear123 said:


> Get the records, don't ask him for them just get them, before he closes the account and reopens a new one and everything is lost....
> 
> You deserve to know what he was spending money on, its possible he was supporting her in more ways than he is admitting to. (Helping with rent, bills etc) Usually when they dont want you to "go through things with a fine tooth comb", its because you will find something in there that they were trying to hide.


Thanks for the advice. He has promised not to close the account. I will get started on getting the old records.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Samantha36 said:


> He says he was just trying to help a young woman get out of that life.........


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:



> Still insists it was a father/daughter relationship and nothing more, though he does admit it was wholly inappropriate.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Every time he says this say, 
"I'm not an idiot. You were attracted to her, nothing more, nothing less. That lame excuse makes you sound even more pathetic."

Check all his call/text histories etc. 

Was he ever away from home overnight on business trips? Or were you?

If it was so innocent he should be enthusiastically showing you the bank records to prove nothing happened. 

He's doing exactly the opposite. 

Like every WS, he has something to hide.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Samantha,

If you get the records then you have something to put behind you to move on. Simple as that. We all want it to be as it was before, blindly trusting, going about our day, our life as it was, maybe in time it will again, I dunno, but for now, you need to get as much peace of mind as possible, the only way for closure . 

-sammy


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## Caz867 (Apr 29, 2014)

Samantha36 said:


> My counselor says that as long as he is transparent now and is working on building trust, I should just let the past go.
> 
> Not happy with that answer - what do you think?


In my opinion, how can your husband be transparent if he is begging you not to dig further? He is still hiding something from you. How can you let go of the past if you don't know what's in it? All of it? And what if it comes back to haunt you? If your husband is serious about R, he should be open. I think R can't be achieved if there are grey areas.

Now if he is begging you not to dig further because he's ashamed of what he's done... well that's his problem.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

86857 said:


> 🤣 🤣 🤣
> 
> 
> 🤣 🤣 🤣
> ...



I have checked texts and none were sexual. Text were mostly about her job and boyfriend problems. Emails were not sent but I checked anyway - nothing there. She tried to friend him on facebook, he didn't accept and that is when he confessed.

I am in the process of getting the old bank records though, but whatever he is hiding cannot possibly be a large amount because I see to all the bills and such. I just never paid very close attention. Since we have been married close to 27 years, I have always handled the finances with both of us being able to utilize debit card from the only account we have. Hard worker but hates dealing with bill paying and such.

I became seriously ill last year and was unable to continue handling the family income. My daughters came to help take care of me and my husband and daughter payed the bills. Apparently, that's when he gave her money. I have verified only 2 times when I was ill that he gave her money. He sent it via Western Union complete with paper trail.

He claims he started speaking to her via text and phone more regularly because he doesn't have any friends and I was very very sick, he was scared and had no one to talk to. At that time he never left the state or my side for about 10 months. He says she began complaining about money issues and so he "helped" her financially, she tried to friend on facebook, then i started getting better, then he told me.


He told me as soon as i was well enough.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Just to add...

I believe that this was an emotional affair and not physical. Even though my husband claims he has NEVER heard the term ea he knew it was wrong and hid it from me.

That to me is the most unbelievable and hurtful and deceitful thing he could have done. I am having a very very very difficult time knowing that he was able to keep this from me. BTW our marriage was very good, my best friend, and very intimate and loving. 

I know this sounds stupid but I wish it were physical because then I could have blamed it on impulses. This was deliberate. 

Including the day he met her, he has seen her 4 times. He did take her out to lunch once with her friend, and twice with her sister. I have spoken to her and she has apologized profusely admitted that she too was wrong but that she used my husband as a shoulder to lean on. That I don't believe. One or both must have had some type of attraction. She has offered to fly to my state to meet me and to assure and show me that she's very young and that there was nothing physical going on. Just a friendship.

Either way, they ar no longer in contact.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Deep Breath.......

No one will ever guess what I just found out. I have already requested old bank statements. As mentioned before, my husband says he is ashamed of what he's done and asked that I not go through each.

Remember I asked him repeated if this involved any partners - he vehemently denied any type of romantic relationships including phone or internet.

My husband disapproves of 2 of my very good friends who are divorced and according to him morally bankrupt ( please stop laughing). Bombshell last night when he revealed that what I am going to find out is ............. HE hired a Private investigator to follow ME because he thought I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!!!!! ME??!!!!!!! :scratchhead::

He was too ashamed to tell me because of course I would NEVER do this. I am wavering between shock, anger, and laugher.

Please believe me when I tell you that we've had a wonderful and affectionate marriage. I am now seriously concerned that there may some some mental issues going on. Prior to my becoming ill, we had A LOT of stress with his job and finances and then his mother passed away.

Not sure where to go from here. I almost wish I hadn't found this latest shocker out.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Samantha36 said:


> Not sure where to go from here. I almost wish I hadn't found this latest shocker out.


I'm going out on a limb.

He's gaslighting you and trying to get you once and for all, to NOT get those statements. 

Get the statements. I think you're going to be surprised and probably not in a good way.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> I'm going out on a limb.
> 
> He's gaslighting you and trying to get you once and for all, to NOT get those statements.
> 
> Get the statements. I think you're going to be surprised and probably not in a good way.


He knows the Statements are on the way. I have found a few old ones and sure enough I totally missed the payments to a detective firm. He was slick in that it was on payment plan in smallish increments. So far of the 3 months that I do have, that's all I've found. Waiting for the rest.....


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

You know, I actually buy that he may have hired someone to follow you. I just think it's not why he claims. Could he have been doing that to cover his own tracks? Making sure YOU weren't following HIM. I mean, the timing of his admission is just odd and that's why I'm not buying what he's trying to sell.

Hopefully, I'm wrong. I just have a bad feeling about the story.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> You know, I actually buy that he may have hired someone to follow you. I just think it's not why he claims. Could he have been doing that to cover his own tracks? Making sure YOU weren't following HIM. I mean, the timing of his admission is just odd and that's why I'm not buying what he's trying to sell.
> 
> Hopefully, I'm wrong. I just have a bad feeling about the story.


Thanks for helping..... I just truly hope you are wrong. I don't know how much more I can take. This stress is killing both of us with him not sleeping, constantly begging, and him losing way too much weight. 

It is still very hard for me to still believe he had never heard of the phrase emotional affair - so he claims at the time he did not realize that was cheating.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Samantha36 said:


> It is still very hard for me to still believe he had never heard of the phrase emotional affair - so he claims at the time he did not realize that was cheating.


That made me giggle. "He didn't realize that was cheating".

Hence he hid it.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> That made me giggle. "He didn't realize that was cheating".
> 
> Hence he hid it.


That's one of main thing that is driving me up a wall. He says he absolutely knew it was wrong to hide it from me, but then he claims he didn't tell me because he knew I would not have approved of his relationship with her. No sh**t!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Self protection

Instead of wife protection

screw up every time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Samantha36 said:


> Claims when he met her at the sports bar he could tell she was a stripper, felt sorry for her because he has daughters and just wanted to help her get out of that lifestyle.


I want you too read this to yourself with the blinders off. While it could be sincerely altruistic, think about it in a rational fashion.

A married man went to a bar, by himself, to meet a woman from three states away. He then spends money, which would be better served on his own family, on helping a "stripper" find her way. All of this was done COMPLETELY behind your back. 

No, you aren't having trouble you are being rational.

You need to decide what you want to do. Still, which ever way you go, you need the complete truth. I am not saying all of the dirty details, but he is hiding something.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I want you too read this to yourself with the blinders off. While it could be sincerely altruistic, think about it in a rational fashion.
> 
> A married man went to a bar, by himself, to meet a woman from three states away. He then spends money, which would be better served on his own family, on helping a "stripper" find her way. All of this was done COMPLETELY behind your back.
> 
> ...



I want to continue being rational. Having said that he is obsessed with sports and has been going to sports bars even with the kids when they were at home for decades. We have never had any problems before this. There are no other accounts so I really can't see how he could have paid for anything without my knowing. I do have the statement from when he first met her and a bill for food and drink was all I can see.

He always stayed with relatives when he went as that was supposedly the reason he went.

Wonder if it's a possibility that she might have paid for things?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

This is called "trickle truth." (If it's actually true that the detective was hired to follow you.) It's an example of how the bad things the unfaithful spouse has done come out in dribs and drabs. SUPPOSEDLY to protect your feelings, but that's bogus - it's really about protecting themselves.

I would even ask for proof of the detective story - I'd ask for a copy of any report he received, and if it's been "destroyed," ask him to contact the detective IN YOUR PRESENCE (you need to listen to this conversation!) and get a copy of it so you can see it. If there was no written report, demand one, even if it costs extra, because you need proof of what services were provided with MARITAL funds, even though you weren't consulted about this expenditure of MARITAL funds. Maybe this detective was hired to help his stripper friend for some reason? Who knows. I'd want proof of what that money was spent on if I were you, what the detective found, and if he really did follow you, where exactly you were when he followed you. If this really is true, you deserve to know how your privacy was invaded while HE was doing the cheating!!

I'm so sorry you're on this wild ride. Your husband has some SERIOUS problems with honesty. Tell him it's time to tell ALL the truth NOW because you're going to find it out eventually, and better that it come from him than you having to discover any more by checking records.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Samantha36 said:


> I want to continue being rational. Having said that he is obsessed with sports and has been going to sports bars even with the kids when they were at home for decades.


 Doesn't matter. Sorry, it really doesn't. 


> We have never had any problems before this.


 Yes, but he always went with friends, you or the kids right? Even if he went alone, there was no hiding things.

See, right now, you aren't being rational. You are scared and rationalizing the incident. Trust me, if you can, I was right there when I discovered my wife's texts. You cycle through rational and irrational thoughts. You cycle through emotions. You try to make puzzle pieces fit where they do not. Plus, your spouse hides pieces so you can't complete the puzzle. Then, to feel better, you rationalize with missing facts. You can't do that and call it being rational.

They lie, even when they feel they are being honest. Yes, a conundrum. 



> There are no other accounts so I really can't see how he could have paid for anything without my knowing. I do have the statement from when he first met her and a bill for food and drink was all I can see.


I am drawing a blank, it was either BlackSmith or Bashfullbull, that pointed out bank records can be misleading. You'll have to add up everything and pay attention to simple transactions. If it takes $40 to fill up your gas tank, see if there is a larger sum removed. Cash back is now the easiest way to hide money improprieties. There is no notation, on the bank records, to show cash withdrawals. We ignore, $10 dollars here, $20 dollars from the gas station, 40 from a grocery stop etc. If he hoards receipts that is what you need to look at as well.



> He always stayed with relatives when he went as that was supposedly the reason he went.


 Yes and after the stories I have read, liars will unwittingly involve their families. Some family members will help cover their tracks and are toxic as well.



> Wonder if it's a possibility that she might have paid for things?


This is rational.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Samantha36 said:


> Wonder if it's a possibility that she might have paid for things?


Perhaps using the $$$ that he gave her...?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

And some motels are so cheap, especially if you have a discount of some kind, one could pay cash for a one "night" (or shorter) stay there.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

And now you have to find out exactly what he hired the PI to do.

He has been lying incessantly for a long time now. Why would he have you investigated? His sick wife? Zero reason.

There are other things he might pay to have checked out, though. Something to do with the stripper that he was having an affair with? Methinks it's very possible.

Keep checking. Bank records, PI reports, etc.

He is trickle-truthing like a champ. His lies are creative.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

One last thing I am a guy, I work in an industry that allows unlimited travel. All of the single guys who travel out of state, do so for one thing and one thing only. It isn't to help someone they met, over the internet, get certification and fix their lives.

Their ages range from 21 to 60+. Yes, the 60 year old is the worse one out of the bunch.

Sorry, most guys aren't traveling three states away to "talk." For your marriage and sanity, I hope he is that one honestly altruistic guy aka White Knight.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

hopefulgirl said:


> This is called "trickle truth." (If it's actually true that the detective was hired to follow you.) It's an example of how the bad things the unfaithful spouse has done come out in dribs and drabs. SUPPOSEDLY to protect your feelings, but that's bogus - it's really about protecting themselves.
> 
> I would even ask for proof of the detective story - I'd ask for a copy of any report he received, and if it's been "destroyed," ask him to contact the detective IN YOUR PRESENCE (you need to listen to this conversation!) and get a copy of it so you can see it. If there was no written report, demand one, even if it costs extra, because you need proof of what services were provided with MARITAL funds, even though you weren't consulted about this expenditure of MARITAL funds. Maybe this detective was hired to help his stripper friend for some reason? Who knows. I'd want proof of what that money was spent on if I were you, what the detective found, and if he really did follow you, where exactly you were when he followed you. If this really is true, you deserve to know how your privacy was invaded while HE was doing the cheating!!
> 
> I'm so sorry you're on this wild ride. Your husband has some SERIOUS problems with honesty. Tell him it's time to tell ALL the truth NOW because you're going to find it out eventually, and better that it come from him than you having to discover any more by checking records.


Wow, I never really thought of all these possibiities. He is at work now and says the detective report is at home in the back of his desk. Going to check now....... At first I thought this entire detective business was very strange but holey moley. Yes, my privacy was in fact invaded for absolutely NO reason. This is going in a direction I would never have imagined.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

OMG I was followed. This is all too much I just don't understand this.

This PI followed me many times with descriptions of everything! Everything. Really this is just too much I just don't know how much I can take. Shocked! But mark my word there has to be some type of mental illness going on as none of this, none of this makes sense.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If he was planning to leave you he could have been trying to manufacture a reason.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

cj9947 said:


> Hold his feet to the fire by getting the records...also, he is still full of sh*t when it comes to the stripper bit. Trust me...he did not all of a sudden be come the patron saint of strippers.


PLEASE READ THIS and tell me what you think.

I didn't think I would have to tell the entire story so here it is...

When we first started dating in college almost 30 years ago, I got pregnant. He wanted to get married but I just wasn't sure this would have been a good time. Against his wishes, I had an abortion. Please (no debates) which we now both agree was the wrong thing to do.

So he went to that state that time because his mother was ill and has since passed away. He claims he was trying to get away from his extremely talkative relatives and went to a sports bar - proof that I now have. According to him - he was approached by this person who he says he can clearly see her life was a mess. She says she needed some life advice and my H says she was the age our child would have been had we not had an abortion. He has always felt guilty about that and felt she was placed there today so he can help her. Turns out she was indeed a stripper and a complete mess. He says absolutely there was no romantic feelings on his part and he felt compelled to help her and has never touched her nor has she ever offered him anything but a platonic friendship.

Now I have seen some of the texts which contained no romantic or sexual anything. They did keep in contact sporadically and when I now became seriously ill, the phone and text messages became more regular. H says he now needed someone to talk to and she is now in the medical field and was asking the doctors advice about my situation (the nerve!).

THE problem is because my husband is the only person in this world that I fully trusted, I JUST CANNOT GET PAST THIS. I just cannot believe that this would have been kept from me. He is correct that had I found out, I certainly would have put an end to it. Now I am waiting for the statements and he is now strangely calm saying that the statement will show that there is nothing more hidden from me.

I know he loves me as evident by the fact that he has lost 40 lb since he told me and hardly sleeps. He apologizes over and over and ask how he can make it up to me. 

I just don't know if I could ever forget this. After 27 very good/ great years to have to deal with something like this?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If it is "just friends" why is he worrying himself down 40lbs? That is extreme stress... something just doesn't add up. Almost sounds plausible, but I don't know what to tell you past that. Someone may come along that can shed some light... I would say polygraph... cut to the chase and prove it. That would be the way he could make it up to you is agree to do a polygraph.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> If it is "just friends" why is he worrying himself down 40lbs? That is extreme stress... something just doesn't add up. Almost sounds plausible, but I don't know what to tell you past that. Someone may come along that can shed some light... I would say polygraph... cut to the chase and prove it. That would be the way he could make it up to you is agree to do a polygraph.


Actually that is a great idea!!!! Perhaps whether I choose to stay or go, a polygraph may very well give me peace of mind. 

My H is worried because I have spoken to a divorce lawyer and he knows I am serious. Says he can't live without me . Whatever! Counselor has referred him to real physician for prescription anti- depressants. He has lost too much weight and he is a type 1 diabetic so that concerns me also. He says he never imagined that he could possibly have brought so much pain and destruction to our lives. Really our lives were good an though we had typical life blows, we have never had serious marital issues. Of course until now.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Actually we both are stressed. Poor sleep, extreme sadness, and an inability to function. 

Deceit is always a bad idea. 

Though honestly, I sometimes feel that perhaps he should have just kept this secret as I had zero suspicions. He never stopped being loving and affectionate. IOW things between us hadn't changed during his relationship with her. He just should have ended it and kept his mouth shut .


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Well, if he really feels that way tell him you want the entire truth. Put the poly on the table and he has one chance to come clean. Do not promise him you will stay, say you'll promise to work on the marriage if he comes clean. This is a true statement because you are not promising to stay or divorce. Tell him about stipulations like boundaries, transparency. Plus marriage counseling and individual counseling. 

Be wary of emotional manipulation. Has he done anything like this before? Not necessarily with females, but with other down and out people. I'm not talking about giving the person on the corner a dollar, food or spare change.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Well, if he really feels that way tell him you want the entire truth. Put the poly on the table and he has one chance to come clean. Do not promise him you will stay, say you'll promise to work on the marriage if he comes clean. This is a true statement because you are not promising to stay or divorce. Tell him about stipulations like boundaries, transparency. Plus marriage counseling and individual counseling.
> 
> Be wary of emotional manipulation. Has he done anything like this before? Not necessarily with females, but with other down and out people. I'm not talking about giving the person on the corner a dollar, food or spare change.


We support many charities and also participate in a few. I handle the family budget, not because I am controlling but because he just doesn't want to do it, so no he has never done something like this before that I know of. But as I stated before, if he did and it was a small amount, I may have missed it. Though he says he has not done anything like this before.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

He has enthusiastically agreed to a polygraph but now wants me to agree that when he comes out clean, I will give reconciliation a full try. I told him he is in no position to make demands. 

So we agree - I just need to figure where to find a place that does this. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: Reconciliation?*



Samantha36 said:


> He has enthusiastically agreed to a polygraph but now wants me to agree that when he comes out clean, I will give reconciliation a full try. I told him he is in no position to make demands.
> 
> So we agree - I just need to figure where to find a place that does this. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.


WHEN he comes out clean? Is that a typo or did he actually say that to you? Or is that clean poly results?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Google it for your area


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Samantha36 said:


> We support many charities and also participate in a few.


Maybe I was a little unclear. He has never done this for a specific individual correct? From what you are saying this is a first time and he is saying it is guilt from the abortion?

Also, I'd give him the concession, a good/honest try is in the same realm as what I was suggesting. A good try doesn't mean you are or aren't going to divorce, it just means you'll work on things to the best of your ability.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Maybe I was a little unclear. He has never done this for a specific individual correct? From what you are saying this is a first time and he is saying it is guilt from the abortion?
> 
> Also, I'd give him the concession, a good/honest try is in the same realm as what I was suggesting. A good try doesn't mean you are or aren't going to divorce, it just means you'll work on things to the best of your ability.



When he confessed 7 months ago, he says he knew it was wrong to hide it, but guilt was the reason he felt compelled to help.


No, he has never done this for anyone. We speak about the abortion periodically and he has always expressed guilt. Not sure why he would feel more guilt then I do. Either way, he has never done this before.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> WHEN he comes out clean? Is that a typo or did he actually say that to you? Or is that clean poly results?


He meant coming out clean from the polygraph.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi Samantha. 

One of my long posts coming. I'm going to go out on a limb with some observations and questions. Indeed you and other posters might be shocked at what I have to say. 

Finding out he had you followed is lot better than finding a receipt for a motel. Ask him why he thought you were having an affair. Had your relationship deteriorated at that time? Weren't you seriously ill? Were you meeting one of your "morally bankrupt" male friends on your own? Why did he call them morally bankrupt?. Try and get to the bottom of it. 

He genuinely might have felt sorry for the girl. I don't think he's making up the part about thinking she is the same age your child would have been. Any decent man would be sad to see a young girl working as a stripper & better he was doing that than ogling her. Instead, you could have found out that he was going to strip bars behind your back. Helping a young girl get out of stripping is a much better scenario. The fact that she did gives his story some credibility. 

That said he went wrong IMMEDIATELY by hiding it from you and starting a secret friendship with her. He kept it a secret like all WS do because he was he was attracted to her. He says he never heard of the term 'emotional affair'? So many WS give that pathetic excuse including my WS. As if because they hadn't heard of the term they were innocent. It's crap! They knew they were doing wrong. Doesn't matter if they knew the term or not. Don't let him away with that one. 

It was secret means he was attracted to her plain and simple. And he pursued it and bonded with her. 

*There is no doubt it was an EA. *

Did he confess without you suspecting or did you find out because you suspected? This is VERY important. I get the impression he confessed. If so this is very good and a big point in his favour. Few, in fact almost no WS do. I would never want to have to do it. I guess this is why most don't. But those WS who do and who do so when they know BS doesn't suspect says to me that they feel true remorse. I think they deserve a shot at R and they have already gone a long way to be able to be trusted again because they have taken the very big step of fessing up. 

You said he called it off and wouldn't friend her on FB and then confessed. Is that correct? That's another point in his favour together with the fact that he and not she called it off. 

He stayed with relatives when he was in her state which you can verify. Another good point in terms of whether it was PA. He said he met her with a friend once and with her sister another time. Does the restaurant bill match with 3 people rather than two? 

I feel that she did look on him as a father figure. You said the texts weren't at all sexual. Good! He remained as loving as always with you and you said there was no change in his behaviour. This is also a good sign since WS's behaviour always changes and this is how most BS suspect there is something going on. 

Also she did get out of the stripping and leant on him to do so which lends credibility to all this. 

Further the fact that she has agreed to talk to you and has offered to meet you is another good thing. Most OW aren't very keen to do that and further would not offer to do so. This is also very good. You MUST take up her offer. Tell her to come and go to lunch with her and try and keep an open mind seeing as she has taken the brave step of doing so. Meeting her in person will tell you a lot. Body language is VERY revealing. 

In summary if I have all the facts right because I may missed bits and pieces in your posts or got the wrong impression, I think you have a great shot at R. I think your husband does love you. You have had a great 27 year marriage and from everything you said I think it there is a good chance of R and you can grow old together. I feel sure that he will never do this again so in a way it has affiar-proofed your marriage from here on in. Though he was in contact with OW while you were sick, he was also at your side the whole time. There was no neglect of you which is also a very important point.

What you are struggling with is that he has lied to you and continued to do so in terms of what was in the bank statements. Still I wish my WS lied because he had me followed by a PI and not all his 'dates' with OW. As BS go you are lucky in what he was lying about. 

It will take you a while to get over that your life mate lied to you. It is a truly terrible shock and hits us like a atomic bomb and gives us the sense that our relationship has been obliterated. 

To my mind this was a borderline EA compared to the EAs you read about on here. Most involve daily texting with lots of flirting and sexual innuendo, many secret meetings and also WS complaining about BS to the OW/OM. That didn't happen here. In fact she asked doctor's advice about your illness. Yes you are affronted by that - I understand. But it's better that she was doing that than making a big play for him to wrest him away from you. It sounds as if she had no intention of that and was not trying to pursue a romantic relationship. And as for him, he pulled himself out of it himself. That is so much better than you finding out and then having to tell him to go NC with her. He did it voluntarily. 

What now? 

You need to sit WS down and tell him you are giving him *ONE CHANCE and ONE CHANCE ONLY *to tell you the complete 100% unadulterated truth. There is nothing more painful than trickle truth because it means our WS is still a liar. I had 4 years of it which was tortuous. Tell him that if you find out anything else down the track - anything at all - you will serve him D papers the next day for breakfast. 

Take care of yourself. Try to eat and take some vitamin pills at least. Soups are good when you can't eat. Advise WS to do the same. You won't get far if you are both feeling exhausted and not eating. Do some exercise, even a brisk walk in the fresh air, since it will help you to sleep. See your doctor and think about getting something to help you sleep and for WS too. Also consider MC where you can discuss all this in a neutral setting.

If you think you will embark on R, consider going away for a weekend to a beach house or the mountains for a little holiday and sooner rather than later. It will do you the world of good and help you to reconnect. 

Surprised at what I have to say? Let me know what you think. Meanwhile I will duck for cover  as I'm sure many posters won't agree with me. 

Anyway I thought your situation was worth looking at it from a different point of view. And believe me there aren't many betrayal situations I would say that about. If you see my other posts you will get that. 

Now make yourself a big bowl of yummy soup with lots of vegetables and maybe some beef for iron which is very important. There's plenty of recipes on the net. Take some vitamins, especially the B group, vital for help with emotional trauma and get yourself out for a nice brisk walk in the fresh air. You need to take care of your health given you were seriously ill and so does WS since you mentioned you are worried about his health.


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## 129362 (Apr 8, 2014)

Thank you for taking time for such Thoughtful response. I hope my answers will automatically bold because i don't know how to do it .T


********** said:


> Hi Samantha.
> 
> One of my long posts coming. I'm going to go out on a limb with some observations and questions. Indeed you and other posters might be shocked at what I have to say.
> 
> ...


"Thank you again for such a helpful and eloquent post. Even though I am now crying (what else is new?) i thank you for helping me see things a little more cleary. Still hurts though."


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You're welcome Samantha. 

Yeah it's pretty horrible to have to go through this as all of us on here know only too well. I never felt such a range of emotions as I did after D-day. 

I guess from your story I felt that while he did go along with it for a time, he didn't let it go as far as most WS do and put an end to it himself (yes?) and he seems very remorseful. So I thought you may have a good chance of doing R compared to a lot of stories I read on here. 

But perhaps not either because for some it is simply a dealbreaker. And in many ways once WS makes that very first move to engage with someone in secret they have destroyed the trust in that instant. And there is nothing more painful than knowing your partner met someone he decided he wanted to sneak around and pursue a secret 'friendship' with. 

So welcome to this unfortunate club. I would advise not doing anything rash but sit with it for a while. Your gut will tell you which way to go. 

Just make sure you get the 100% truth about what happened. 100%!

And do meet her to guage for yourself. 
Tell him you are going to meet her and see what his reaction is. 

Hope you're doing OK.


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