# Newly Separated



## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Hi, I'm new to the board. My husband (of nearly 4 years) and I separated one week ago. We are still married, and have agreed to remain faithful during our separation. We are now living separate lives. 

There was no infidelity, but we had marital problems that stemmed from geographical challenges (distance from families on both sides), challenges conceiving (we tried, but weren't successful), lack of time together (conflicting work schedules, little vacation time), bouts of jealousy on my part (which seemed like a lack of trust in him) and my changing spiritual beliefs (he is Christian, and I thought I was but don't know anymore). Despite our cross-border challenges (we are from different countries), the first 3 years of marriage were super. However, this past year I became distant and put other things before our marriage. His efforts to reach me failed.

This past year I was undeniably emotionally unavailable. I was not there for him when he needed me. I am not sure why. I suspect seasonal affective disorder and my own discontent with our life situation. We both wanted to be closer to one family, and to move. I did have a job interview in another province, but it didn't work out. So we ended up staying longer than we both wanted. But it seems he was more willing to just take a risk and go; I was a little (a lot) more cautious in wanting us to have at least one good job to go to. This fed a really difficult cycle and period of time. I escaped from the situation through marathoning, which in turn made the situation worse as my evenings and weekends were consumed with runs.

My husband became ever-increasingly lonely, hurt, and angry. Eventually, he gave up and left. I understand the position he was in, and don't fault him for his decision. About one week before he left it was as though I woke up. This was confusing to both of us. Whereas I had previously felt resigned to his decision and he appeared to be at peace with moving on, emotions were resurfacing on both parts. We had a few wonderful days where it felt as though we had reconnected. Sadly, however, he had already made his mind up some time ago that he was going to leave and live alone.

My husband and I have communicated off and on this past week, but he needed some space and I understand and agree to this. Today is the first day of no communication (contact is an impossibility for us given the 1000+ miles between us at present). I know that this is important for both of us but it saddens me to no end. I miss him, love him, and want for his happiness... with or without me. I'm sorry for everything I did and did not do. Of course changing who we are is very difficult and he rightfully doubts whether he wants to be married to me anymore. And I rightfully question whether I can be the wife he truly needs given my emotional vacancy over the past year. It's not that I don't want to be his wife, a loving supportive wife, a better person, or to work on our marriage. It's just a sense I have that I'm not good enough, and that perhaps I never was.

The separation is really hard. Last Saturday was the first day, and my family is in another part of the country. I was on the phone with my parents when his plane left. Then I was panicked for the entire weekend. I couldn't move from room to room as everything evoked a memory. Since then I was able to work this week, but with great difficulty. I know there are people who love both of us and who are praying for both of us. The hardest part is that I feel as though I have lost my best friend and husband to an unknown separate future. I worry for him. I want to be there for him. I want to share in things with him. Yet we are living separate lives. I have hope that this time of separation will bring necessary healing and awareness to both of us... but right now it just hurts so much. I carry a lot of guilt and shame. He too acknowledges what he could have done. 

Thank you for reading. I welcome any thoughts and suggestions for handling separation and an uncertain period of no contact. He let me know that it could be days or a week before I hear from him next. He has asked me to refrain from contacting him until I hear from him, and I will respect this wish.

I met with a counselor this week and will continue to meet with her to work through my grief, sadness, guilt, shame, anger, hurt, pain, and questions I have about my role in this. Today the feelings are a little overwhelming leading into a much-needed "sick/mental health" day from work, and leading into a very lonely weekend. I should add that I feel awful in sharing all of this because these are personal things, yet I feel as though I need to do everything I can to better understand, to keep hope, and to move forward.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hello maplesky,

I understand everything you say, we are indeed in the same exact situation. We behaved the same way, I was distant, frustrated and angry about my life, our relationship, I couldn't find a new job and my wife ended up suffering because of my attitude. 

This is the reason why my wife decided she wanted to separate and possibly divorce 1 month and a half ago, we haven't seen each other since, I was and partly am shattered. Feel free to check my 1st post called "1 month and counting" to know more about what I've been going through.

She is currently living 400 miles away since two months and a half ago due to the same reasons, work. I haven't had any luck finding a job closer to her before and after the separation. Let me tell you how I have been able to cope with this since I am 5 weeks ahead of you.

I understand how you feel and at least can help by explaining the reasons and by giving advice. I also stayed behind in our house, with all the memories of our old town and thinking about her. Pretty much, they are gone experiencing new and exciting things, seeing new places and in a way finding who they were before they met us. This is all good, we can do the same here, harder but still it is possible and I am doing it right now, YOU ALSO CAN believe me. 

We have to find out what makes us all happy, you, me them. It is not right to be only happy just because we are married but happy because we have found true happiness. If we decide to reconcile this will be a brighter future full of challenges but hopeful as well. DO NOT give up until he asks you to sign the divorce. I haven't even if my wife seems like she is withdrawing from our relationship, I am giving her time and more importantly my unconditionally love and I have no regrets now. 

Like your husband, she has asked for space and time, and I am giving her that, but at the same time I have not forgotten about her. I began showing it. If you are able to get your hands on the book "The Love Dare" and watch the movie "Fireproof" you will understand why. When we love unconditionally, without reserves, we are better and even if they don't find they way back to us, we still be better than when we were together. Win-win situation.

Counseling is great! I have been going once a week and has helped me a lot! It will help you in a great way, also I am reading a lot of self-help books. Whenever I feel lonely i go to my local bookstore buy a cup tea or coffee and start reading. The fact of being with people will help you a lot, also remember you will be learning about yourself during these lonely times. Contact friends and family, keep a journal to write everything you feel, instead of contacting him. Give him time. Exercise, run, by running you will release endorphins that will make you feel better overall. It will be temporary but at least you won't be sad all day and you will start looking better. Win-win situation. 

Apply for jobs closer to him if you want, but also understand that maybe this will help or not. If you, like me, may end up not reconciling we will be closer to them. But also if we are closer to them it may be easier as time progresses. One week is too soon to tell, even 6 weeks like it is my case. Anyway, we won't be the first or last persons to live in the same city our our ex's.

Be hopeful and devote yourself to change and to love unconditionally. Things happen for a reason, and honestly I am happy this happened to me, as hard as it has been it has been enlightening and has proven that I can love unconditionally regardless of the situation. We are imperfect maplesky, but we have are also able to forgive ourselves, others and improve our lives. 

I will be here if you need me, I know this will be hard or even the hardest thing we will have to overcome, but it is worth it  I hope all this helps you in this eyeopening voyage.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thank you, stbxhmaybe. I appreciate you sharing your story. 

I feel as though I am much to blame for my current situation. I also wonder why I didn't seek help sooner, for both me and for the marriage. However, I'm convinced that while in the thick of it, one might not know something is wrong or have the ability to take action. Those around me have shared that they knew something was wrong but the general consensus is that I was too stubborn or too strong-willed for them to influence me. There's much there I need to explore with the assistance of the counselor. 

I am going to continue to run as it is a big part of my life; however, there is a lot of guilt associated with it as I took precious potential quality time away from the marriage because of the running. I am a marathoner so I run a lot and this has taken a lot of time away from the marriage. And my runs are mostly sad these days, but I'm trying to work through this. Sadly, my husband still asks about my runs and is encouraging me to keep running. Now if that isn't love, I don't know what is.

I am reading a book that is helping a bit. And I told my husband about it. He said he'd be willing to read it, too, which was great. I ordered him a copy and it should get there next week. Hopefully, we can still talk about it. 

I have only met with the counselor once, but she is super. I'm looking forward to continued discussions. I know that I've only explored the tip of the iceberg with her, but I really want to get at the root of all of this and work on being a better person. My husband deserves a better me. I deserve a better me. The people in my life deserve a better me. 

I'm not making plans to move yet. I did get rid of a whole bunch of stuff, though. Stuff I figured was weighing me down and that I wouldn't be using in the coming months. But I've made a promise to myself to not make any decisions about where to live or what to do until this month has come and gone. I've got some pretty crazy thoughts running through my head, and my emotions are all over the map.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I understand the guilt you are feeling. I made my husband so miserable that he asked me for a separation. I treated him to bad that he fell out of love with me. Now I am paying the price. I never wanted to be this way, and I am still hopefull that we will be together someday. I have faith in God that he will return my husband. I pray night and day for his return, and I ask God to heal his pain. I don't want to lose him. This is very hard and I myself find it impossible to feel better or smile. Everything reminds me of him. I hope that you both are able to heal from your pain and I hope that everything works out for the best. If you love him fight for him. I am not sure how, as I am trying to figure that out myself. But I put it in GOd's hands.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

"My husband deserves a better me. I deserve a better me. The people in my life deserve a better me"

I just have to substitute wife for husband and it's precious. Remember maple ( i deduce you are Canadian  ) before you can be ok with others, you have to forgive yourself. What's done is done and that'd be great to have a time machine and go back time and undo everything we did that hurt our spouses, there isn't. BUT remember, if it wasn't for this situation we all are going through we wouldn't have come out of that stubbornness that everybody says we had. 

I am guilty of that too. EVERYTHING happens for a reason, what matters is that we are intelligent and humble enough to learn from it, instead of cursing the day we met our spouses and hate them because they "left" us. 

And like prelude says, we have to put everything in God's hands.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Trust in God is a very difficult concept for me right now. I just about broke down when I read that. As for forgiveness... if I trusted in God the way I should, perhaps things wouldn't be where they are, perhaps I would have been less judgmental (after all, there ought to be only one ultimate judge), and perhaps I'd understand the concept of grace in the face of difficult times (and therefore the name we were going to give a little girl had we ever been able to have one). 

Sorry, just a really hard evening. I watched a movie called Saint Ralph that brought together the themes of faith, hope, beating the odds, miracles, and running. All in one. I do believe it's a movie I'd like to watch with my husband one day. When I finished watching it alone, I wanted to tell him about it but of course I couldn't. That was tough.

In that movie there are three questions asked: 

Did you ever put it on the line?
Did you ever not know and still jump?
Did you ever just close your eyes and let go?

These are very good questions for reflection as they apply to our marriages. These questions reminded me that my husband wanted me to trust in him, and trust that we would be provided for. But all I could do was worry, try to control things, and that served to strengthen the walls between us. Some would call it pragmatic, or so I kept telling myself. Another topic to discuss with the counselor.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I know that trusting in God can be very difficult if you dont believe, I guess I should have just said have faith. But in my case it applies very deeply. I was a devoted christian before I married my husband. My father didn't like him because my H was a catholic. Father told me that my relationship with H would never work because my H was not a "son of God." But I loved my H and married him anyway. My mother told me it didn't matter as long as I didnt stray away and brought my H to the lord. Well I stray and I never talked to H about God. So now we are separated.

And I believe that if I would have never stray from God I would have been at peace, therefore, I would have turned into a green eye monster that I was. I should have trusted God that he gave me a good man, and I should have trusted my H. 

So I believe God is letting this happen to bring me back to him, and I hope that I do not come alone to his ways. I am praying for my H so that he can be healed as much as I need to. Trusting in God for me is the only peace I can have now because my H is not making it any easy on me. 

I am sorry if I said something that I shouldnt have, I should chose my words carefully, but I hope you understand that those were not my intentions. I wish you the best!


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

If you haven't done it...

I do recommend the book called "who moved my cheese?" read it, it will take you only 30 mins no more than that. It has helped me immensely. Here is the link in case you are interested, you can skip to the part where it starts as "once, long ago"

http://mrlassen.wikispaces.com/file/view/Who_Moved_My_Cheese.pdf


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

No worries at all, PrecludeCkN. I've been trying to sort through my beliefs for a few years now. My husband is Christian, and he always supported me on finding my own path. I certainly took your words in the best way possible. And thanks for the link to the resource, stbxhmaybe. I hadn't heard of this before, so I'll definitely take a look.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> I know that trusting in God can be very difficult if you dont believe, I guess I should have just said have faith. But in my case it applies very deeply. I was a devoted christian before I married my husband. My father didn't like him because my H was a catholic. Father told me that my relationship with H would never work because my H was not a "son of God." But I loved my H and married him anyway. My mother told me it didn't matter as long as I didnt stray away and brought my H to the lord. Well I stray and I never talked to H about God. So now we are separated.


I am going to field this one at the risk of invoking a religious argument.

I don't want this to degrade into argueing religious doctrine but I have to just say your parents view of spirituality and religion, if at all ported by you, is a serious discrepancy and this is what I was talking about in the other thread about your values and goals being in alignment.

Your father is of the view because he's Catholic, he's not the Son of God? Well, Lord. . .I am only peripherally aware of Catholic/Christian doctrine and unless I didn't get the memo, only one dude carried that title (and look what we did to him).

I would politely tell your father - "No, I am not the Son of God. Are you?"

Anyway, if I were your husband I would have sensed this "holier than thou, I'm going to save you" mentality and frankly flipped you and your family the bird sooner or later too.

I mean, as a Catholic, he could have made a good case that all you Protestants aren't "real Christians." (I have met Catholics with that beleif)

The point of this isn't to argue religious doctrine. . .the point is your values about what is important in a mate and marriage are very skewed. Or at least you are uncertain/conflicted based on your upbringing.

You may have subconsciously treated him like crap because of his divergent viewpoints and he checked out. You may need a mate who beleives like you do. I would rather like you to soften your beliefs but unfortunately in my 41 years of travels through this world, it is my opinion that Christian religion and cults are often a blurry boundary.

I don't see you changing and I don't see him.

Ironic we live in a world where churches and religions contribute towards breaking up a marriage.

Good luck.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I really miss my husband. I miss hearing his stories. I miss the time we spent together. I wonder if he is thinking about me, too. Or if he has stories he wishes he could share with me. It's so hard being separated like this, and this time of no contact is painful to say the least.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

This evening I'm having a really hard time. On the one hand, he left and moved very far away. He's starting a new life there. He has told me he never wants to come back here (this country). I have people telling me it is over, that he is moving on, and I should move on. On the other hand, he hasn't told me this yet. He hasn't yet told me that he intends to file for divorce. And I still have hope. Is anyone else going through this?


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

maplesky said:


> This evening I'm having a really hard time. On the one hand, he left and moved very far away. He's starting a new life there. He has told me he never wants to come back here (this country). I have people telling me it is over, that he is moving on, and I should move on. On the other hand, he hasn't told me this yet. He hasn't yet told me that he intends to file for divorce. And I still have hope. Is anyone else going through this?


I am also hoping that my husband might change his mind, even tho he himself told me that there was no chance of getting back together. I might be in denial but I am still hopeful.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

That makes us three...


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I wish knew what I did in the first place to make him fall in love with me, I would do it again.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

be yourself, instead of the person we have become. 

I changed a lot, when I met her back in college I wasn't even thinking about dating her, as a matter of fact I didn't care about dating a lot because I was happy with my life as it was. I was working/studying/ meeting new people etc. She was mesmerized by me because I was happy, didn't care about what other people think and I was confident about myself. I helped her a lot in school too.

Things moved on and I became more stressed, she became more independent and got a decent job that she enjoyed. She matured faster of course being a woman (even if she is 2 years younger than me) and I wasn't able to find a job that would fulfill me after college. She didn't need me anymore for school and I realize now that resented that she didn't need me anymore. She wanted to run the house her way, finances, plans everything and I didn't want to give up my power over some stuff. I feel I was right. SEE? do not trouble yourselves with guilt trips, it takes 2 people, if she would've given me my place as a husband sometimes, and/or if I would've realized that worrying about something and not doing anything to solve it was stupid, things would've been different in a way. Not EVERYTHING is our fault 

I got sourer and sourer and poor thing she is the one that had to endure all those frustrations. I no longer recognized the man I saw in the mirror, I am trying to be that man again and in a way I am starting to be, I don't get angry at all. Really, i mean things bother me but I used to behave through instinct, something bothered me I'd get angry. Not now, I acknowledge that something bothers me but also try to find the reason why and understand it, suddenly the anger starts going away  

Anyway, I guess as time goes by and I get to the point that I don't NEED her anymore, but want to be with her will make a different. I need her now, I do not express it but the problem here is that I feel stuck, in limbo, I cannot move on because she doesn't want to divorce yet but we cannot work on the relationship because she doesn't want to either  

Anyway, I am loving her without condition and nothing can go wrong with that if I support her every decision, even if it means divorce...


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Anyway, I guess as time goes by and I get to the point that I don't NEED her anymore, but want to be with her will make a different. I need her now, I do not express it but the problem here is that I feel stuck, in limbo, I cannot move on because she doesn't want to divorce yet but we cannot work on the relationship because she doesn't want to either
> 
> Anyway, I am loving her without condition and nothing can go wrong with that if I support her every decision, even if it means divorce...


I could have written this passage myself, with the exception that I'm working through the "need" part. I wanted my husband to feel needed, but for some reason that didn't happen in the past year. And I also needed to feel more needed, but I'm independent and stubborn to a fault. Why that is the case, I don't know. My list of things to talk about with the counselor is growing by the day.

I'm OK with the limbo part for now. I do recognize it as limbo in some regards, but it isn't insofar that my husband and I are now working on ourselves and reflecting on our marriage. And I've discovered that I do have the strength to deal with uncertainly for now. For me, the good thing is that I don't need to move immediately and I have a good job. And I have a good outlet in running. I can continue to work on me, do a good job at work, and pour my heart into marathoning and feel good that these are all things that will only serve to make me a better person in life, no matter who is in my life... 

I just miss him a lot. I know he knows this. I know he knows I love him. I also know that we had our share of challenges and these cannot be forgotten. The question is whether we are prepared to address these challenges, continue to work through them, and continue the marriage. In this, we both know that there is a difference between modifying behaviour and changing oneself...


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

This is day 3 of no contact, and my husband said it could be a few days to a week. After my final email to him in response to his email for no contact, I registered for this site because I realized I really needed a place to share with others going through this. I now struggle with the fact that I can't contact in him, in part because I want to let him know I'm on this board. I have no secrets and want to be transparent in things. Has anyone else who is separated shared about this board?


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

This is my second marriage, and my second potential divorce. That makes me feel like a complete failure and I have to really question what is "wrong" with me.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Maple, we are human, we make mistakes. 

For me, this is the first but I lived with a person for 7 months and just as you, I made the same mistakes with her. I didn't work on my own issues. However, there is a difference this time, my wife also made a lot of mistakes throughout our marriage. 

But don't beat yourself up, if you are working on yourself. 

We all feel like crap in this situation but love yourself and picture yourself happy 

I have told a couple of friends about this, that I am helping myself through helping others and they think is a great idea. The more we let out the better we feel. We are all here to listen and be heard


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I think I do need to beat myself up. I worked on me a lot after my first divorce... then I was good for a while. The first few years of my second marriage were good although I still had some serious flaws. Or maybe he had more strength then and put up with my flaws better. 

I'm not saying this for sympathy or a pat on the back. I seriously believe I have some major work to do on myself. The list of not-so pleasant adjectives I have to describe my behaviour in the past year is really long. 

On a different note, I am checking my email a lot these days. Part of me wants to hear from my husband, but the other part of me exhales deeply when I see that there isn't an email there saying he wants to talk... so that he can tell me it is over. 

Also, today I took a good step with a family member. I told her that what I need is no judgment. What I need is not to hear "move on, he left you." I need people to help me try to figure out what happened, where I am, where he is, and where to go from here. I've asked for this support until a time comes when we have decided to divorce. It's not helping me to have people say "do what you want, move on, don't take him into consideration" even when he himself said that he doesn't expect me to wait.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I just did some reading on unfiltered and filtered emotions. I was guilty of imagining futures that had negative outcomes because I had a hard time dealing with raw unfiltered emotions. For example, when my husband recently said that he's not sure what he wants, I immediately focus on the possibility that we will divorce. I was afraid of dealing with my fear, so instead I started to list all the reasons he would be justified in this. Then I started to beat myself up. Not only did I tell myself that I deserved it, but I told him that too. In fact, that is the last thing I said in my final communication with him.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I was going to complete this checklist, but then couldn't. There is some stuff we discussed and were okay with, but it later changed. The independence and time together pieces were lacking in this past year. And I honestly don't think we had a lot of emotional safety this past year. Much food for thought here. 

Relationship Logistics

______ We communicate well.
______ We resolve conflict well.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our relationship roles.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our sexual expectations.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our spiritual beliefs.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our financial management.
______ We have discussed and are okay with our personal, couple and family goals.

Relationship Balance

______ We value each others needs for some independence within the relationship.
______ We spend adequate time together, nurturing our relationship.

Relationship Emotional Safety

______ We feel heard by each other.
______ We feel understood by each other.
______ We feel validated by each other.
______ We feel empathy from each other.
______ We feel respected by each other.
______ We feel loved by each other.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

The problem with us is that we rushed to live together and later get married. We were both really inexperienced. We thought that since we got along really well as college sweethearts, life was going to be a piece of cake. Well...it wasn't.

We struggled with stupid, meaningless stuff at the beginning of the relationship. I was really committed, coming from living 7 months with a girl and crashing and burning a couple of years before, I tried to show her that such small things were not worth fighting. As time went by, those issues were resolved through a lot of work from both of us (we applied the checklist above in a way), we were growing together. Then we married, and the real problems started: family, finances, etc and again we went through hell being stubborn and temperamental. Before we separated, I had pretty much withdrawn from the relationship because I felt hopeless and totally depressed, and the last months she made a huge efforts to work on it. I guess that's the reason why she decided she had done enough. We committed at different times. I can say than I felt that the majority of the checklist above wasn't fulfilled 

I am doing the Love Dare since we separated, after doing something really really nice for her this past week, I expected nothing in return. I felt good about myself even if she wasn't going to take it into account, because I knew she was going to like it. After a couple of days, she thanked me  When you do that, they notice believe me why? I didn't love her unconditionally in the past. Finally, the I has turned into a WE.

All I say is that it's been 1 month and a half, a lot of thinking from her and my part has to take place. At the beginning it was really hard for me to keep me from calling everyday. Now, I see that one of the reasons why I needed to talk to her is because I was feeling really guilty about everything, I have come to forgive myself and forgive all those mistakes we had. Forgiveness is the best gift we can give to somebody, including ourselves. Until we do, we are free, free to love unconditionally without guilt.

Now that I am calm, focused and YES I am still sad but not lost, I am not blowing things out of proportion; emotions have settled after going through all those changes. At last, I can say that our relationship wasn't that bad, and all these problems can be solved if we work together. We didn't have major problems like infidelities, addictions, domestic violence, inlaws etc. just normal everyday problems that were blown out of proportion because of our tempers, and the emotional withdrawal. 

I understand now why everybody says that time heal wounds and is your best ally if you know how to become his friend and trust him instead of focusing all your energy on changing your loved one's decision. Everybody that knows us well says to give her time, that things even if they seem bad right now they could turn around because we really love each other. Although we separated last year, it wasn't a separation, a REAL separation. 2 weeks after we separated we had pretty much reconciled but were living in different houses. Didn't help a bit, and I believe we are realizing now that we are having the timeout we needed so much since a long time ago  to work on ourselves.

Be strong, this experience will help you a lot believe me. We are learning but be patient maple. I feel really great today because I love, love without expecting anything in return. EVEN if she decides after some months that she wants to divorce, I still feel happy I did all those things for her, I loved her with all my heart in these dark times, and that I have used my time to better myself instead of feeling pity about myself. At the end, I am becoming the husband she deserves...

Sorry about the long post but I got carried away


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> I am doing the Love Dare since we separated, after doing something really really nice for her this past week, I expected nothing in return. I felt good about myself even if she wasn't going to take it into account, because I knew she was going to like it. After a couple of days, she thanked me  When you do that, they notice believe me why? I didn't love her unconditionally in the past. Finally, the I has turned into a WE.


That's a really nice thing to read. I'd like to do something nice for my husband, and the only thing I can think of right now is to respect his wish for no contact, to wish him happiness, to not make assumptions, and to work on me (specifically, on being happy). 

It has now been over 72 hours since I last heard from my husband. I miss him so much, and I'm worried about him. I want to talk to him about the things I've done, seen, learned, the things I plan. But I need to trust that we will share about our lives when/if the time is right, that he's taking care of himself, and that he is on a path to happiness. He has asked that I not contact him until he contacts me. I'll respect that. It seems like the least I can do after all we've been through.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Remember, I did this nice gesture 1 month and a half after she requested this time apart and space. What you are doing right now, which is respecting his wish of no contact is the best you can do. Just be constant.

Just keep in mind that you have to do it out of love, not desperation. When you feel you are thinking straight. By what i read at the end, you are still pretty shaken, be patient. Do not rush things and wait


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I am not going to lie to you, I got really sad when I didn't hear from her, even if I knew it was a possibility. Still, I didn't do anything, no calls making sure she knows, no angry or depressing emails asking for reassurance, nothing...

When I finally heard from her, it was like life's way of telling me "See? is it that hard to be patient?" Here is your response, she still cares that you know she appreciates it. I know through personal experience that when a person is not interested, they don't even react to a mere act of kindness, or avoid it to give you any kind of false hope.

After you accomplish all those patient steps, you will regain confidence on yourself. The first weeks after the separation I felt I was not good enough for her, that I wasn't going to be able to live my life w/o her, I wasn't patient enough...even to the point of resenting the fact that she was putting me through this instead of asking for divorce. 

At the end, patience is the key because there is a reason she hasn't filed for divorce and it is not because she intends to make me suffer 

At the beginning is hard to see, our thoughts are really clouded. I have gotten my strength and knowledge through counseling, time, self-help books, friends and myself.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Time heals all wounds?...I think sometimes time doesn't heal at all..because if during all that time you are in the 'hope trap' mode,time means nothing but 'lost time'..don't actions speak louder than words?...if spouse has left and hasn't done anything to indicate they have changed their feelings about the situation then to me what they are thinking means nothing...time to move on with the 'I'm going to live the rest of my life without my spouse' attitude..


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Everybody is entitled to have his/her opinion...if that works for you that's good


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Fear. For me, I was able to do "me things" in the past year largely because I had the unconditional love and support of my husband. But now I fear activities that I used to do alone (e.g., going for a walk outside at noon during the work week). Trying to do these things evokes all sorts of feelings of fear, sadness, hurt, and panic. It's almost crushing. But I'm slowing trying to do these things. I get that these are unfiltered emotions and I should just ride them out; they are temporary and will pass. And I know that if I try to have a different perspective about my activities, that perhaps the emotions might change with time. I think I can start to apply gratitude. I think I can also apply the rule of light-heartedness and some ideas around non-attachment. 

Maybe it's like the cheese. One source of my cheese (my husband and marriage) has moved a long, long way away. I'm still stuck in an old place that's cheeseless, and I'm analyzing what happened and trying to figure out a very long and complicated maze to get to my cheese... but I suspect for now that I need to explore familiar roads first because they are indeed new in the sense that I'm seeing them from a different mindset. Maybe if I can slowly just get out and do my day-to-day stuff and enjoy small little morsels of cheese here and there, just maybe I'll be on my way to a bigger supply of much-needed cheese. It's truthfully really hard to want to do stuff for me right now, but I know it is important to figuring out the maze to a much greater supply of cheese. Maybe that maze will turn into a supersonic freeway with a pot of gold at the end?

(_Who Moved My Cheese?_ was well worth the read. Thank you.)


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

stbx...I wasn't being negative in any way...just saying for some (going off other postings)..time hasn't healed anything for them..Those are the people who need a mind change


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Awww you are welcome! I'm a happy it helped you 

Take it day by day, if it is easier for you hour by hour. I am going to quote the Sunscreen Speech song, "the race is long and in the end is only with yourself."

It will be easier, remember the book? "if I wasn't scared what would I do?" I couldn't be out in the beginning, now I even go for a run at 11pm. I live in a pretty safe neighborhood. If I haven't said it already, exercise. I repeat it a lot because running is great. I am also volunteering and takes my mind off my personal problems, and focus on others'...kind of what I am doing right now 

You are all right regarding the book, it will be a new beginning for us, whether we reconcile or not. Life arranges itself, the point here is to be willing to change, like the book says adapt to the absence of cheese and find new one.

If all what made you happy was your marriage (guilty as charged over here ) find new and exciting things that will make you happy and put your mind into that. This change is good, we will no longer me those littles cared mice that needed reassurance and the protection of our spouses but a person that can overcome this hard situation and even find happiness in the process.

Keep going maple, this is just the beginning of a new you


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I understand 2daughters don't worry


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## Tryinhard (Mar 5, 2010)

PreludeCkN said:


> I wish knew what I did in the first place to make him fall in love with me, I would do it again.


Me too, but too much bad time has passed and she has no desire to try anymore. She says she loves me but her actions say different.


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## Tryinhard (Mar 5, 2010)

I pray hard everyday for some help but quite honestly I wonder if it's helping because I keep getting pain and disappointment. Don't want to get too religious either but I was in church when they had the last supper ceremony and I cried when the preacher got to the part where Jesus asks, "Father, why have you forsaken me?"

Sorry but that's what I'm feeling right now. I still pray though. It's GOT to get better.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Have you heard that new country song 'I pray for you'?..that's me


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe

I have been reading you past 3 posts and I feel like you are directly talking to me. I was doing or want to do all those things you said to make me feel better. Call him, see him, email him to tell him how guilty I feel and that I love him regardless that he doesn't want to see me. However the outcome was not good, all I got was, If you loved me why did you treat me that way? So I just die a little bit each time he rejects me. And he is not kind about it. He doesn't care that I feel miserable without him. He doesn't want to try at all, and when I asked him if he wanted a divorced he said "i think I do." I mean he tells me that he is happier without me, he doesn't think of me at all, and he also told me that he should have left me years ago. 

In my head and my heart I give myself hope that he will return to me, but when I talk to him, I come back to reality. And you are also right, everyone that knows us tells me the same thing, Give him time, he will come to his senses, he will come back to you, be patient. But I am afraid that I might lose him. Space? I need to give him space, but it's so hard, I just want to talk to him and he doesn't want to talk to me at all. Giving him time will be the hardest thing that I have to do. And I hope that i can be strong about it. But how much time do I give him? 

I hope that I can feel better about myself and heal because this really hurts. Each day I wake up I ask myself how did I get here? The thing is that he used to act happy up until he gave me the talk. He cried his eyes out the day of and when he took me to my mom's. He cried some more when we spoke on the phone and when he came to see me. But he says he cries because I hurt him so much. I wonder if he can ever forgive me. Time will tell I guess.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

PreludeCkN said:


> In my head and my heart I give myself hope that he will return to me, but when I talk to him, I come back to reality. And you are also right, everyone that knows us tells me the same thing, Give him time, he will come to his senses, he will come back to you, be patient. But I am afraid that I might lose him. Space? I need to give him space, but it's so hard, I just want to talk to him and he doesn't want to talk to me at all. Giving him time will be the hardest thing that I have to do. And I hope that i can be strong about it. But how much time do I give him?


This is the tough part. There is no guarantee that our spouses will change their minds. Yesterday I went for a walk alone at lunch, looking for some sort of sign. And I got an answer: I need to work on me and I need to go about making changes in my life that make sense for me, and make me happy. I realized I didn't really know what I wanted other than to rewind the clock and do some things differently. So my first step is to figure out what I want, apart from the marriage: where to live, what career change if any, what hobbies make me happy, and things I want to work on, etc. With over 1000 miles between my husband and I now, I realized that I need to move (if I move) where I need to be. Until yesterday, I was stuck. Do I stay in this place and hope he comes back? Do I move closer to him? And I realized this was the wrong way to be approaching this; taking the necessary steps for me does not negate potential reconciliation.

Tomorrow I'm going to ask my counselor with some assistance with resources so I can rediscover me and what I want in life so that I can start finding happiness in these things and so that I can avoid repeating mistakes of the past. And while doing this, I am going to continue to give my husband the space he needs... but not with the assumption that "if" I do this, he will come back to me. I do this because I love him, and this is what he needs. My husband needs to know I'm no longer judging him and that I support him on his journey, regardless of the paths he chooses to take. And I feel good about that.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

maplesky said:


> I am going to continue to give my husband the space he needs... but not with the assumption that "if" I do this, he will come back to me. I do this because I love him, and this is what he needs. My husband needs to know I'm no longer judging him and that I support him on his journey, regardless of the paths he chooses to take. And I feel good about that.


Exactly!

We are all in the same boat, the point here is to love unconditionally you know why? 

Because when the time comes and they tell us, honey...I am ready to try again or I want to start the divorce process. We are going to be capable to say "I did everything to save this marriage" and I should be proud. There are not going to be any "if's" there shouldn't be any regrets because what happened happened, the situation we are right now is NOT only our fault. We played one of the main roles but the more time goes by, I realize that I wasn't that mean person I thought I was the first weeks after the separation. I am actually a pretty good person who although was very mean when we were fighting LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE in this world, was really caring and loving when we were happy. 

Our relationship wasn't having major issues, just that we were not capable of going past the stupid issues, and that's the reason why people tell me to give her time. I also see it now after 6 weeks. They were not really bad but our tempers blew them out of proportion.

She also made mistakes in the relationship, and in the end it takes more guts to do what we are doing right now than pretty much throwing the towel and saying "WELL everybody divorces I cannot give you time or space because I am not patient. Hurry up!"

About keeping in contact with him excessively, i wouldn't recommend it. Like we are right now, all this time alone is good for our soul and to ease the hurt feelings. Believe me, I have been able to forgive myself, I have been able to forgive her and see past the cloud of guilt and despair. There is also a chance they are doing the same, pretty much resting and when they are ready to think about the relationship, decide. 

Meanwhile, I have told her that I'll be always here waiting as long as she needs. Rent Fireproof if you can. Again, I am not trying to give you false hopes but all this process is going to make us grow and the point here is NOT to need our spouses but JUST want to be with them. 

By being happy, the people around us are going to feel happy


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

On a last note I am going to quote the Sunscreen Speech song again,

"Don't worry about the future, or worry but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum, there are real troubles in your life"

Focus on those personal troubles instead of worrying about what your spouse is going to decide, in the end it's only his decision" 

we are alive, we are able to love without expecting anything in return and we should be happy


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe

boy you really hit on the mark! I like it that you say we have to love unconditionally. I just learned how to do that. Isn't that crazy? I will love him despite the outcome but I know in my heart that I did my best to make him happy. It's also true what you said, I might have been a crappy person at times but I also showed him many ways that I loved him and he has shown me many ways that he also loves me. That is why this separation is a total shocker to me and to everyone that knows us. 

I am in school and is about the only other thing that is keeping me in check. I have lost weight but not in a healthy way, but I am going to start to live a healthy life. I need to get my life back together and show him that with or without him, I will be okay. He tells me that we can still be friends, but can that be possible? To me he can never just be a friend. to me he will always be the man I love.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Like with everything else...time will tell 

I also lost the extra weight myself the first weeks, and between us I am looking pretty good LOL! B)


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I have really good news: my husband emailed me today. He had said it would be a few days to a week of no contact, and he got back to me on day 5. He told me what he has been doing, and that he got the self-help book I sent him. I got myself a copy of this book the day he left then later told him about it, and he said he would read it too... so I had a copy sent to him. He said he has already read a little from it. 

I just got the email before I headed home from work. So I went home, fed the cats, and went for a run so I could think about how I would reply. He said he'd like a couple more weeks before we talk about marriage-related things, and I respect that. He also thanked me for the space I was giving him, which was really nice. 

I was thinking of just responding to the things he shared, showing an interest in these things, and reciprocating in kind by sharing what I have been doing. I'll acknowledge the request for more time before we talk about relationship things, and indicate that I'm okay with this if this is what he needs. If anyone has any other suggestions for how I can approach my reply (I really want to work on my communication skills and show him I love him through thoughtful response), I'd be super grateful for ideas.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

This is really good news, it shows that he is trying to work things out. I mean he is reading the self help book you sent to him. How long have you two been separated?


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I'm really grateful that he is reading the book. It means so much to me. I really honestly don't deserve him to do this (and I mean that... I put him through a lot) but it speaks volumes to the love we did share. 

He left to go home on May 8th, so I guess that is one measure of separation. I'm sure another measure would be the emotional distance in our marriage in the past year.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

So you are newly separated also, me too about 3 weeks ago. However my husband is not at all willing to try save our marriage and I understand him because he has so much resentment towards me for everything that I put him thru. I hope that someday my husband is willing to also work things out. But I am glad that yours is attempting that is so big!


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

good for you maple! but remember stay calm do not think that everything is great and you are heading for reconciliation, baby steps baby steps. 

I for example, although last time I heard from her was last sunday thanking me for the nice gesture I had. I take it as that, a thank you. Every day that I open my email or look at my phone and I don't see an email saying that we need to talk is a good thing because it means she is taking her time to think and is not taking things slightly or divorcing out of an impulse.

If it took him 2 weeks to contact you it's great but NEVER stop working on yourself, not even when you reconcile. Life is changing as we speak, and we have to adapt. 

Somewhere I read the legend "evolve or perish" and it's true. 

To you prelude, 3 weeks is not a long time like 6 weeks is to me  specially if the emotional separation lasted more than that before the physical separation. If a broken bone doesn't heal that fast, a heart could take even longer


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

stbxhmaybe-that is GREAT advice....I like reading your stuff


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I am happy my journey is helping other people. It gets better as our mind is clearer to think and reason but it takes time 

Good Morning to all by the way


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I agree about the email. It was just a "touching base" email and I'll take the "thank you" for just a that. I let him know that I was talking to my family, seeing the counselor again today, and that I wouldn't contact him again unless he contacted me first (as I had to assume that was still what he wanted... as he didn't say). I also shared that I registered for an online forum but left the decision up to him as to know which one it was. 

I do realize that the hard work is only just beginning. I ran 3 full marathons and 3 half marathons this past year, so I most certainly get what patience and perseverance is all about. I know that I didn't qualify for the Boston Marathon because I didn't get those lessons. Now I need to apply them to my marriage. What's more, I have to remember how I let my marriage slide for the better part of a year. My husband and I have only been separated since May 8th, so today is day 12. That by no means compares to an entire year...

I'm glad I'm meeting with the counselor again today. A week since the last appointment seems like an eternity.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

morning! 

I want to share something with you if I may. You have been really nice about reading my posts and well again it feels great to help people, specially if they acknowledge you throughout this time, which makes me really happy  

I had a meeting yesterday with my counselor and pretty much told him everything that I have been expressing here. What I have come to realize by myself with the help of books, counseling, and time itself in regards to my marriage. Bottom line, what I expect, what I have learned and what my plans are for the future. 

You all know what I have learned through my posts, what I expect of course is to reconcile and my plans to wait as long as she wants because I want to abide by the commitment I made that day we were married 2 years and a half ago. Told him that I am loving unconditionally, and that doesn't bother me because I am learning and succeeding in living with myself, on being happy even if she is not next to me and on being a better person every day  

After I was done he said, "ok, now...do you want to switch couches" I was very happy! he said that I had made a great deal of progress in this month and a half, he even went on to say that if I still needed an appointment once a week or I could call in as needed. I told him that in terms of my relationship, it was already clear how things were, and I had come to accept them and to wait.

Now, I wanted to work on my myself on anger management, which I had already started through reading books, by applying those techniques by myself and I had even started to go to yoga. He said it was a good idea. BTW I recommend Yoga, it's great for your mind and body, it takes the edge off and at the same time it tones your body, just like running maple right? 

Well, a new day with a great deal of opportunities to keep on changing  I received an email from my wife reminding me about something. Still cold and direct, and I replied like always, kind and caring. I think about the saying "kill them with kindness" but instead I see it as "Win them with kindness."


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

That's awesome news re your last session with your counselor. The tough part with me is being authentic (not suggesting it is with you, but it is with me). What I mean by that is that I know what to say that makes it sound as though I'm doing great. However, I need to be very real with myself and others. I need to just feel, sit with my emotions, and work through them. The word that comes to mind is "raw" -- unedited, unfiltered, genuine, core, real.

I recognize that I'm not attempting to support others on this forum right now, and I do apologize for that. I am trying to do a good job at work, keep up the running, read self-help books, take care of my cats, and reconnect with family and friends out there in the real world. And, of course, I'm trying to keep a positive mindset about giving my husband space. In this, I need to recognize feelings of fear and sadness and anxiety when they occur but remember that I am happy that he is moving on to be the man he needs to be. 

I need to selfishly put myself first right now. I need to do some serious work on self-love right now... and not based on stuff like how many degrees I have or how many races I've done, but instead on how I feel overall about me and my life and where I'm headed at the end of the day when I walk into my seemingly-empty apartment. 

For me, I think I could easily throw myself into something as a means to distract myself: work, running, new relationships, electronic gadgets, movies, books, etc. I think the hard part is finding time each day to experience real emotion. At the same time, I'm glad for the mention of yoga... there's a particular class I'd like to try on Fridays, my rest day from running. I miss yoga so this should be very good for the soul and very good for sore running muscles. Now that I have the car all the time and don't need to work around a second work schedule (which I would gladly do given the opportunity), I should make a point of doing this, at least on a trial basis.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Well, it was my last session with my counselor about my marriage, but now I'm going to work on my personal issues full speed 

You, prelude and finally just need to take a day at a time. 

I do accept that a huge part of the day I think about her, and makes me sad. I worry about her, I care about her, I mean she is 400 miles away with nobody else but I also understand that this is the way things are and there is nothing I can do about but just to accept it and work around those things I can change. 

She always had a hard time meeting new people, I guess this is an opportunity for her to start practicing her social skills and I know she is doing it, she's always been a fighter and an overachiever, that's why I feel in love with her. We are learning new skills and that's why I am happy about being separated. 

Like I was saying, it takes time to savor even those moments of loneliness. For me, I couldn't be by myself or with people, which left me in a state of loss. Now, I can go for walks, runs, yoga, get together with friends. I am not going to lie to you, still in the back of my mind there she is but it is normal when we were glued to each other for four years, and I know that even if we end up divorcing it will take time for me to stop thinking about her often. She is my wife after all.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Well, it was my last session with my counselor about my marriage, but now I'm going to work on my personal issues full speed


I think my personal issues were part my marital issues... of course, it does take two. But I firmly believe that if I had worked on me sooner, I might not be in the position I am today (separated).



> I worry about her, I care about her, I mean she is 400 miles away with nobody else but I also understand that this is the way things are and there is nothing I can do about but just to accept it and work around those things I can change.


My spouse is 1400 miles away, so I can relate. The exception is that I am the one who is a two-hour plane ride away from my family. He moved back home, so he has a familiar (and missed) environment, his family, and friends. He seems to be readjusting well. 



> She always had a hard time meeting new people, I guess this is an opportunity for her to start practicing her social skills and I know she is doing it, she's always been a fighter and an overachiever, that's why I feel in love with her. We are learning new skills and that's why I am happy about being separated.


This is an interesting observation that I can relate to on a few levels. 



> Like I was saying, it takes time to savor even those moments of loneliness. For me, I couldn't be by myself or with people, which left me in a state of loss. Now, I can go for walks, runs, yoga, get together with friends. I am not going to lie to you, still in the back of my mind there she is but it is normal when we were glued to each other for four years, and I know that even if we end up divorcing it will take time for me to stop thinking about her often. She is my wife after all.


I get this. I was able to go for a walk alone today (that makes three days in a row). And I started running outdoors this past Saturday. Accepting invites to go out with people is going to be a work in progress.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I replied to his email last evening, and of course it is only still the next day. But now I'm worried. Did I say something the wrong way? Forget to say something? Say something I shouldn't have? Writing my reply was difficult, but I guess we can only do our best. And I should probably try to not read anything into not getting a reply. But it's just so unusual to not be in touch at least every day with your spouse. It's not like we have kids and live in the same city and have to co-ordinate stuff. We are in different countries, very far apart, and have no reason to have to stay in touch other than our friendship and marriage.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I forgot to share this as well,

I told my counselor that the 1st weeks after the separation I blamed myself for everything, and that even before the separation, when we would fight I'd be the one that the majority of times tried to mend things, in a way blaming myself for everything and it was wrong. I just didn't want to suffer and wanted to fix things right away. Now I understand that, I understand we both are the reason why we separated.

When I told him this, he asked me, "do you know why this is so common, there is always one person that blames him/herself for everything? this happens all the time, in a marriage or in a separation, why?"

I replied "well, immaturity? fear?" he replied, "well, I say is because of absence of trust" 

He was spot on! The reason why we blame ourselves or try to reconcile right away is because there is an absence of trust. He said, the moment we don't feel in control of things, the moment we feel that they are the ones who hold our future in their hands, what do we do? we freak out and by blaming ourselves we in a way want to regain control over this situation, we feel that by changing ourselves, trying to keep in contact, writing letters, etc we have the power to decide the faith of our marriage, the reality is different and that's the reason we are going or went through a hard time accepting our situation. 

We have to accept that we don't have total control over their decision. We only can do so much but it is up to them at the end. Even if we change, there is a possibility that they will decide to divorce. We have to TRUST that they will decide what's best for them, and they will be happy. Until we don't trust them with that decision, we are going to keep on having doubts like what you just expressed maple; doubts of how we answered an email, doubts if they really know we love them, doubts if the see we are changing, doubts if we are doing everything we can. 

That absence of trust is what brought me here, we didn't trust each other with finances, with feelings, we gave 50% 50% instead of an unconditional love. 

And now that's the reason why I am at peace, because I trust that she will decide what's best for her, and I trust that now I can love unconditionally and I am able to change, and that I have shown it to her by my actions this past month and a half. I am not lost anymore, I am in control of my own sanity and more importantly my own happiness no matter what she decides.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Don't try to read too much or tear apart every word in the e-mail you sent her....it will drive you mad.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> Don't try to read too much or tear apart every word in the e-mail you sent her....it will drive you mad.


Hi... if you are talking to me, I thought I should clarify that I'm a she and my husband is a he.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

LOL I am sorry


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

This book may interest you, I read it and has been very helpful together with the Love Dare's content 

It's called Getting Back together 

Getting back together: how to ... - Google Books


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe

I agree I always enjoy reading your post because I get inspired by what you say. It is as if you are directly talking to me, meaning that what I can't seem to come up on my own you bring it to light. I am also going to start counseling because I can't seem to cope by myself. The pain is just to much to bare so I need need help. I will resist talking to my husband so that I may give him time and work on myself. I also need to understand that whatever the outcome may be I need to be okay.

As I keep thinking about our situation I can see that we were separated emotionally about 2 years ago. I knew we both needed help but I thought we could both fix it together but things just got worse. and nothing was getting better. At least just when I thought that things were getting better and I felt secure about us, he tells me he wants a separation. Well I just hope that he is thinking about getting help and no try to avoid us. I have a feeling that he is.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you! 

I am glad my posts have helped you and yeah I am talking directly to you all. Counseling sounds great, and it's not even that the guy is going to tell you everything wrong with you but you are going to open up and even realize all this by yourself and with his help.

Our emotional separation was on and off, we separated last year but since we didn't even work on the marriage the honeymoon stage just lasted a few months and we ended up separating again and this time don't even know what's going to happen. A lot of unresolved issues, that we couldn't even address during counseling because she decided that it wasn't helping. 

But myself, I sense I started to give up since the beginning of the year, I was throwing the towel because I thought I couldn't hold it no more and we brought the words divorce a lot of times since the beginning of 2010. In a way, I knew that this was going to happen, even i thought that she was going to divorce me right away but it is not the case and I am glad because it's sort of a glimpse of hope. 

At the end I thank her for that , and also for not taking me back because I know for a fact that we were going to keep on doing the same over and over if it wasn't for the separation. 

Be strong prelude, and I also have my ups and downs but now there are more ups and WAY less downs  at least I am not longer anxious or hopeless but it comes with time.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better."
King Whitney Jr.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I received an email from my husband on Tuesday. In that email said that he is finally getting to a place where he thinks he can take a look back at the last year to try to figure things out a little better. He also said that he'd like to take another couple of weeks at least before delving back into talks about our marriage and separation. In my reply I said I wouldn't contact him again unless he contacted me, assuming he still wanted the no contact as per his prior request; I do want to continue to honour this if this is what he needs and I wasn't clear from that email if he wished for "no contact" to continue. 

I haven't heard anything back... and I realize I have no idea when I will hear from him again. Could he have meant a couple of weeks of no contact? Also, I had a horrible dream last night that left me rattled this morning; I really needed to know if my husband was physically OK, but had no way of knowing... what a horrible sensation to be cut off completely and worried and missing someone so much. I'm really sad today. I miss my husband terribly. And for the record, I miss him -- not just having someone here or what he represented. I just miss _him_.

I guess I'm now feeling what he went through in the final year of our marriage: just not knowing if I would ever "talk" to him again.... even though I was there, and we did talk each day. But did we really? He waited for a long time without knowing when, if, how.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maple,

Answer this honestly. You knew for quite some time you were alienating him. He then told you he was planning to move out before he actually finalized that decision. 

Did you truly not believe he was capable of walking away like this or did you simply not care that much? 

What has really changed that would give him any confidence you wouldn't repeat this cycle in the future? 

Separate from that - in the last year, when you started to withdraw from him what did he do? Did he chase you - act nicer - try to spend more time with you? Or did he back off, give you space and frankly - let you know that you didn't need to be the most important thing in his life either? 





maplesky said:


> I received an email from my husband on Tuesday. In that email said that he is finally getting to a place where he thinks he can take a look back at the last year to try to figure things out a little better. He also said that he'd like to take another couple of weeks at least before delving back into talks about our marriage and separation. In my reply I said I wouldn't contact him again unless he contacted me, assuming he still wanted the no contact as per his prior request; I do want to continue to honour this if this is what he needs and I wasn't clear from that email if he wished for "no contact" to continue.
> 
> I haven't heard anything back... and I realize I have no idea when I will hear from him again. Could he have meant a couple of weeks of no contact? Also, I had a horrible dream last night that left me rattled this morning; I really needed to know if my husband was physically OK, but had no way of knowing... what a horrible sensation to be cut off completely and worried and missing someone so much. I'm really sad today. I miss my husband terribly. And for the record, I miss him -- not just having someone here or what he represented. I just miss _him_.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I won't try to defend my actions, but I will say that I'm trying to get at the root of my emotional vacancy in the past year (and why I was literally running from stuff by pouring myself into marathon training). I really don't understand what happened, to be honest. I met with the counselor again yesterday, and meet with her again next week. A whole lot of stuff came out this past session that had nothing to do with my marriage or separation. We are talking stuff that went way back. I want to get to the bottom of this. All I know so far is that I also alienated other people during this past year, so it wasn't just my husband. I also know that I didn't have balance in my life during this time, but I do question whether I ever had balance. 
_
Did I think he was capable of walking away?_

I don't know. I did know that he really wanted to go back home, but I knew that he wanted this all along. I knew that he was lonely, but I was too. Perhaps I figured he'd tough it out like I had toughed it out all those years. 

_Did I care that he was leaving?_

When I was emotionally withdrawn, I did not show him I cared. At that time we were both numb and couldn't form emotional responses. I don't think I saw what was going on with him because I was lost. I don't think it fully registered. I feel as though I "went through something" and now get the sense that people figured I just found a new passion in running, and attributed changes in my behaviour to that. 

_What has changed? What confidence can I give him?_

In the final week before he left, something did change. We reconnected. I was me again. And I saw my husband again. And I believe for a few brief moments he saw me, too.

I am now seeing a counselor, reading, and journaling. I see the need to work on me. I see that I didn't put forth the effort during the good times and bad to nurture the marriage. I see that I have issues around trust and self-esteem. I see the need for balance in life with family, friends, work, spirituality, and interests. I see the need to fully _show_ him support, trust, and respect for who he is in so many different ways. I would see a counselor with him now. I would want to work on issues of needing to be in control. And I also see that I have needs. It sounds selfish right now, but I realize I might not have articulated these or shown him what I needed.

_What did he do in reaction to me being withdrawn?_

He said he needed more time with me. And he told me I put running and related activities ahead of him, but before he left he apologized for this as he saw it wasn't the running that was the problem. He once asked me if I'd be open to marriage counseling; I don't remember this conversation or my response, but he assures me he asked and I turned it down and I believe him. I don't believe either one of us knew how to go about talking. He didn't behave differently other than withdraw. There was no attempt to reignite the flames on either part. And there was no attempt to let me know I might need help with something I was going through. 

I think he thought my funk was about the marriage, but this wasn't the case. I come away feeling as though he just tried to carry on with his own life. He was married previously and experienced loneliness & pain in the final years of that marriage. Maybe this influenced his reaction. Maybe he felt powerless with me. Before he left, I told him at one point I needed him to "grab me" so that I could register what was going on. It was as though I needed someone to shake me out of my funk. It was as though his efforts didn't reach me. He later apologized for not being stronger, and for not doing this. 

After having shared all of this, I know that I'm only beginning to work through some of this. I will continue to do a lot of work here and soul searching. I don't want to be a shell of a person for me, for him, for anyone in my life.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I want to write about the dream that rattled me last night. I woke up terrified for my husband. I couldn't quite get the dream until the past few minutes as my dreams are more often than not pretty nonsensical or really way out there. I have been seriously upset by this dream all day, but I think I just figured it out and I'm still pretty upset by it. 

Part 1:

My H and I went on a vacation to a sunny destination; we always wanted to go somewhere like that together. And we chose somewhere with beaches and jungles. At one point he told me he loved me. Then I woke up because in that dream we were so happy, and I woke up smiling. Then I fell back to sleep to the dream. 

Part 2: 

My H and I were still on our vacation. He went on a side trip without me. I couldn't find him when he should have been back. I ended up at the hospital. I saw the hospital patient list and his name was there. He had been with two others and they were all attacked by a tiger. It said that the two others died, but he survived. 

I ran up the 4 flights of stairs two by two. I ran through a lobby where a bunch of people were watching a movie on a TV with the sound of a tiger. I wanted to yell at them. Didn't they know he was attacked by a tiger and might hear this? I found his room. He was wearing what looked like a baseball cap and a neck gaiter. I could only see slits for his eyes. He saw me come in the room, and he started to stir. I went up to him and gently touched him and learned that he just had a few few bumps and scratches. I told him what happened. I asked him how he survived. And he told me he ran. He was sitting up at this point then got this vacant look on his face... then I woke up just terrified.

Analysis: 

I was the tiger. If this is the case, if this is the message I am sending to myself, I really really need to exercise some work on self-love and forgiveness. And I really need to do the work so that I am no longer the tiger. In dream analysis (I looked this up), tigers represent femininity, power, anger, unforgiving vengeance, great force, and cunning. And tigers cannot be ignored, and usually they get exactly what they go after. And I'll personally add to this that tigers pounce after running... and running has been a huge part of my life this past year. This really has me freaked out. Now if that weren't enough, who were the two others in the dream? Was one me and one our marriage? Were they facets of my husband? Were they parts of myself? And was it me that I heard "roaring" as I ran through the lobby? Ugh.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Wow at the end do not beat yourself so much, it was just a dream you must look at reality instead.

He contacted you in real life, he said he wanted to start looking at the situation and you should be happy because he is coming out of that shell that was keeping him safe. He wants get outside of his comfort zone and it is great overall.

My wife is still inside her comfort zone, doesn't want to think about it but at the same time doesn't ask for divorce. She is respecting the time she said she needed to be sure, and I at the same time have behaved accordingly. Loving her unconditionally from a distance.

I am planning to write a letter and send it to her in a week or so, it will be 2 months since we separated. There I am including everything I have learned about myself, our marriage, my life and why I reacted the way I reacted. Also I apologize for every wrongdoing, it hit me that I had already done it overall, but in our relationship she always emphasized on apologizing not generally but distinguishing what were our faults. 

A mere I am sorry, was not good enough. She liked to see a sincere apology. Now I am going major mistake by major mistake to show I have figured out what went wrong.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Really tough day with all of this stuff. The dream freaked me out, I'm still worried, I can't stop caring, I can't stop thinking about him... 

What is the Love Dare about? I have the movie Fireproof at home. My father bought this for us, and my husband and I did watch that movie together some time ago.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

maplesky said:


> Really tough day with all of this stuff. The dream freaked me out, I'm still worried, I can't stop caring, I can't stop thinking about him...
> 
> What is the Love Dare about? I have the movie Fireproof at home. My father bought this for us, and my husband and I did watch that movie together some time ago.


The love dare is what i have been applying all along. Shows you how to love unconditionally, w/o expecting anything in return. If we had loved that way since the beginning i am pretty sure we would be in this awful awful situation. 

Read it, if you are asking about he love dare it means you never watched the movie?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

There is a really good site for the love dare called 40daylovedare and also Klove has all of the dares on there site. 

I only got to day 10 before H moved out but I will say it made me really look at myself I am really glad looked into it!


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> There is a really good site for the love dare called 40daylovedare and also Klove has all of the dares on there site.
> 
> I only got to day 10 before H moved out but I will say it made me really look at myself I am really glad looked into it!


what's the site called? I think I PM'd you.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

40 Day Love Dare - The Book | Fireproof - The Movie | 40 Day Love Dare Journal

The Love Dare - Day 1

I didn't get it let me double check


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thank you for the information, everyone. Obviously, I need to watch the movie again; I'll do so this weekend. Do you think it might apply to my situation, with a husband who has moved out completely, all assets were divided, he is starting over a new life, and is 1400 miles away? I don't recall that kind of distance in the movie. In fact, I remember the spouses being able to see each other in the movie. I guess that is why I was clarifying what the actual love dare was about. I wasn't sure if it was loosely based on the movie, if the movie was loosely based on it, or if it even applied to my current situation...


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

maplesky said:


> Thank you for the information, everyone. Obviously, I need to watch the movie again; I'll do so this weekend. Do you think it might apply to my situation, with a husband who has moved out completely, all assets were divided, he is starting over a new life, and is 1400 miles away? I don't recall that kind of distance in the movie. In fact, I remember the spouses being able to see each other in the movie. I guess that is why I was clarifying what the actual love dare was about. I wasn't sure if it was loosely based on the movie, if the movie was loosely based on it, or if it even applied to my current situation...


Yea I understand you, I dont know if I can also do it when my husband doesn't want to try to work out things between us and doesn't want to deal with this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*honest opinion*

If I was the guy AND I thought you were honest/trusted you to be straight with me. 

If you asked me if you could come visit for a week - no strings attached - just one week together. And you came and it was obvious you were in love with me - which for a guy means you are pretty much as sexual with me as I ideally like - AND you committed to making some permanent changes to how we interact towards the end of the week - I would give you another shot. But don't make promises you aren't 100 percent committed to keeping. 

Seriously though, and this is just me - and remember I have a happy/successful 21 years under my belt - if you made behavioral commitments to me and we reconciled I would have very low tolerance for the same bs you apparently inflicted on him last year.








maplesky said:


> Thank you for the information, everyone. Obviously, I need to watch the movie again; I'll do so this weekend. Do you think it might apply to my situation, with a husband who has moved out completely, all assets were divided, he is starting over a new life, and is 1400 miles away? I don't recall that kind of distance in the movie. In fact, I remember the spouses being able to see each other in the movie. I guess that is why I was clarifying what the actual love dare was about. I wasn't sure if it was loosely based on the movie, if the movie was loosely based on it, or if it even applied to my current situation...


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

*Re: honest opinion*



MEM11363 said:


> If I was the guy AND I thought you were honest/trusted you to be straight with me.
> 
> 
> Seriously though, and this is just me - and remember I have a happy/successful 21 years under my belt - if you made behavioral commitments to me and we reconciled I would have very low tolerance for the same bs you apparently inflicted on him last year.




This is pretty much me for the first 4 years of our marriage, which is why I understand that he doesn't want to work things out with me, I am jealous and controlling and didn't trust him. however I am still hopeful.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Well, I had a pretty good exchange of emails with the wife. What's even better, I wasn't scared of writing anything. I pretty much sounded like myself back in the days when we were dating. Carefree, joking, etc and wasn't planned it just came out like that. I even added a quote of those books I've read  

If it's meant to be it will be, we don't have to be afraid to be ourselves, at least to be the good side of ourselves, they fell in love with that person right?

Today I had an epiphany, I was talking with some old college buds, and I think we are going to start a business! at least to research the market. Yeah, I guess i needed this kind of slap in the face to wake me up, I have been working for the last 2 years and a half in a job that I didn't like. I grew angry, frustrated and I withdrew from any emotion due to my frustration. Hence, my separation. 

I am finding myself again, the person I was when I was in college but now mature and humble, and I feel great, I guess that's the reason why I replied to her email the way I did because I am becoming the person I was a couple of years ago, V2.0

Yay! I love her with all my heart but whatever she decides, I know I will be a not only ok but great, I feel alive my friends


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Well, I have a pretty good exchange of emails with the wife. What's even better, I wasn't scared of writing anything. I pretty much sounded like myself back in the days when we were dating. Carefree, joking, etc and wasn't planned it just came out like that. I even added a quote of those books I've read  if it's meant to be it will be, we don't have to be afraid to be ourselves, at least to be the good side of ourselves, they fell in love with that person.
> 
> Today I had an epiphany, I was taking with some old college buds, and I think we are going to start a business! at least to research the market. Yeah, I guess i needed this kind of slap in the face to wake me up, I have been working for the last 2 years and a half in a job that I didn't like. I grew angry, frustrated and I withdrew from any emotion due to my frustration. Hence, my separation.
> 
> ...


I am glad that things are going great for you and that you are re-discovering yourself again. 

When my husband gave me the talk he told me, what happen to the girl I fell in love with in high school? The truth is I told him, she got her heartbroken, by him. So that's when I changed, I was never like this until he cheated on me. But I have started to go back to my ways and I hope he can see that too. As I hope that your wife see's the change in you as well. I hope all goes well between the both of you, you both deserve to be happy.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

*Re: honest opinion*



MEM11363 said:


> Seriously though, and this is just me - and remember I have a happy/successful 21 years under my belt - if you made behavioral commitments to me and we reconciled I would have very low tolerance for the same bs you apparently inflicted on him last year.


What makes you assume that I "inflicted bs" on him last year? What you say implies that I _intentionally_ did stuff to hurt him or play with him, and that is simply not the case. What's more, this was not all one-sided, as is never the case in any marriage. Of course I will do stuff to work on me, but I would expect that he also work on himself and the marriage.

I spent most of the past session with my counselor sharing my life story prior to my current marriage. When I told her about what I had been through, her jaw dropped and she said that I was incredibly strong. But somehow I survived and somehow I found something to give of myself in my second marriage. 

I realize now that I really needed some extra help this past year; and it concerns me that people assumed that I didn't need some help. I guess the image of a woman with a great job, great education, who is running marathons doesn't exactly scream "help." However, my mother knows exactly when I dropped off the radar; it wasn't just about the marriage. She knew I was going through something. But of course I didn't tell anyone I needed help because I didn't even know I did... but I sure am telling people now. I guess the other part of that is that I'm letting them help. I have had to be extremely strong in my life and I guess I got used to not trusting that anyone would be there for me because that is more or less how it has always been. 

Edit: I will add that the thought of having to walk on eggshells, behave in a way that's not 100% true to me, or be 100% committed to not only behavioural (and cognitive and emotional) changes but also a huge change in life circumstances (new country, new people, new job, new marriage dynamics) absolutely scares me. It scares me because I wouldn't want to put either my husband or myself through all of that only to see it fail. I'm not saying that it would, but I am saying that there is a lot that would have to line up for things to work; the magnitude of the whole thing scares me. But, at the same time, I refuse to not do anything in life on account of fear. I refuse to not have hope for my marriage because of fear. And I refuse to not try because of fear.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

*Re: honest opinion*



maplesky said:


> But of course I didn't tell anyone I needed help because I didn't even know I did... but I sure am telling people now. I guess the other part of that is that I'm letting them help. I have had to be extremely strong in my life and I guess I got used to not trusting that anyone would be there for me because that is more or less how it has always been.


I understand you completely. What's worse is that my wife and I are exactly like that. We both are overachievers that thought that since we had accomplished all those goals that we have set in our lives, we were going to be more than capable to beat our personal and marriage issues w/o the help of others or even the help of each other.

Well, it doesn't work like that. Now, I am also reaching out through counseling and books. Most importantly, I am reaching out to myself to find strength and wisdom. I now live my life mindfully, yoga also teaches you that. It teaches you not to act out of anxiety, desperation or instinct. I felt at some point that I was behaving more like an animal than a human being, I hated myself for that but didn't know how to turn my life around. 

Now I see, I see. One friend told me that in the moments when we are the most vulnerable is when we are stronger. It's true.
Maple, one of the books that I read says something about the fear we all felt and feel. And asks from us to ask ourselves 

"If I wasn't scared what would I do?" and act that way.

We will be completely happy on day. This situation has shown us that we are not perfect, or mighty but humble and imperfect human beings that need to change according to the situation, not the other way around.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: honest opinion*

M,
Instead of me incorrectly assuming what happened - why don't you tell us a bit more. Tell me where I am off base below.

It sounds like you had some internal event happen that had nothing to do with him. You then withdrew from him, he tried hard to be extra nice to you for a while and then he gave up and withdrew as you continued to be withdrawn and were unable to explain why you were being a disengaged friend/partner/wife. 

Let me give you a blunt third party view. You self describe as intelligent, successful, disciplined and focused. 

You also talk in a way that sadly (thank God not from my wife) I am familiar with. For instance: 
- I needed help and it concerns me that people assumed I didn't need some help
- But of course I didn't tell anyone I needed help because I didn't even know I did...

Your first statement implies some level of fault in your social circle including your husband. You use ambiguous wording that leave some room for interpretation, but a reasonable person hearing that - who cares about you - would feel bad - like they somehow let you down.

Of course your second statement contradicts the first entirely because it not only says you failed to ask for help, but that you failed to realize you needed it. 

Ultimately a CORE ASPECT OF SANITY is our own internal gyroscope that tells us how close we are to flying straight and true. And a related aspect of sanity is the ability to fairly assess the way other people respond to what WE DO. 

I will take you at your word that you were way off course and somehow didn't know it. From what you have already said your husband clearly did try to help you, and you rejected his help.

I think you need a lot of help before you can reasonably expect another person to respond positively to you in an intimate relationship. 

As for walking on eggshells. I agree no one should have to do that. But if you think agreeing not to engage in the same destructive patterns that broke your marriage constitutes walking on eggshells - then you ought not to try to reconcile. 

Promising not to withdraw/ignore your partner and then not ignoring your partner is not eggshell walking - it is simply decent day to day human interaction. 

As for your H, sure - you get to ask him to work on things too. But if I am him - and acted in a sane and supportive manner - and your posture is "well you aren't perfect either" - my answer is that I agree, but if you are looking for a symmetrical level of effort from me you need to look elsewhere. You created this breach mostly on your own, it wasn't a joint effort.

You seem very resistant to the idea of doing anything "over the top" to win him back. This guy gave you his heart for 3 years. You then proceeded to break it (his heart) for a year without any real explanation of why. If you think making some serious amends is an unfair burden on you - don't try to reconcile. 



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
I realize now that I really needed some extra help this past year; and it concerns me that people assumed that I didn't need some help. I guess the image of a woman with a great job, great education, who is running marathons doesn't exactly scream "help." However, my mother knows exactly when I dropped off the radar; it wasn't just about the marriage. She knew I was going through something. But of course I didn't tell anyone I needed help because I didn't even know I did... 
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>



maplesky said:


> What makes you assume that I "inflicted bs" on him last year? What you say implies that I _intentionally_ did stuff to hurt him or play with him, and that is simply not the case. What's more, this was not all one-sided, as is never the case in any marriage. Of course I will do stuff to work on me, but I would expect that he also work on himself and the marriage.
> 
> I spent most of the past session with my counselor sharing my life story prior to my current marriage. When I told her about what I had been through, her jaw dropped and she said that I was incredibly strong. But somehow I survived and somehow I found something to give of myself in my second marriage.
> 
> ...


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I am sorry to intervene but I believe that people come here not to be psychoanalyzed but to find support. 

That's the reason why we are going to counseling, to rely on the experts. 

May I know what is the point on asking all this from maple MEM? did she ask for that kind of help or it's just your 2 cents?


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> I am sorry to intervene but I believe that people come here not to be psychoanalyzed but to find support.
> 
> That's the reason why we are going to counseling, to rely on the experts.
> 
> May I know what is the point on asking all this from maple MEM? did she ask for that kind of help or it's just your 2 cents?


I find it really interesting that someone who knows nothing of me, my husband, or my marriage can so pointedly say things like "I think you need a lot of help before you can reasonably expect another person to respond positively to you in an intimate relationship." For the record, "thank God" _you_ were not and are not my husband because you talk in a condescending and presumptuous way. I could never tolerate your presumption nor could I tolerate your assumption that I will share anything with you because you insult me then challenge me to "prove" my case... all the while taking a side that I haven't (and most importantly, my husband) hasn't even presented.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

maplesky said:


> I find it really interesting that someone who knows nothing of me, my husband, or my marriage can so pointedly say things like "I think you need a lot of help before you can reasonably expect another person to respond positively to you in an intimate relationship." For the record, "thank God" _you_ were not and are not my husband because you talk in a condescending and presumptuous way. I could never tolerate your presumption nor could I tolerate your assumption that I will share anything with you because you insult me then challenge me to "prove" my case... all the while taking a side that I haven't (and most importantly, my husband) hasn't even presented.


:iagree:


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> :iagree:


Sorry... to be clear, my previous comment was directed at MEM. And I will add: I am not here to discuss what my husband did or did not do. And I will not do this when he isn't here to present his side of the story. That is disrespectful and frankly not productive.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

And now I want to clarify a few points. First, I am on this board and doing all this work because I do want my marriage. I'd like to think that this is obvious. Second, the only thing I can work on is me. Third, my social network last year was very limited. So the people who might have known anything was going on with me were actually quite limited. Next, I don't blame them. I take full responsibility and I'm working on me. At the same time I will NOT deny myself help. Last, I _do_ have a lot I need to work through with a counselor. Every single person on this board does. None of us is perfect and we can all aspire to be better. That is why I'm here. 

What's the point of not calling a spade a spade? My situation is very different from a lot of people on this board. My husband left and moved a long way away. He is looking at a new life and is happy about the possibilities. Of course there is a lot he would want from me. Of course building back trust would be a difficult process. And of course it might be a whole lot less stressful if I made the decision for both of us, so that he could continue to feel lighter and not have to "cope" with me or any feelings that working on a marriage might evoke. I know full well what it would take on his part and on mine. The last thing he told me was that he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me.

The thing is: I happen to see a number of reasons why I love my husband and why I want things to work. The book I'm reading through has a section on goals. If there are certain kinds of goals for the marriage, you might be able to work things out. If the goal is to not be alone, then chances of working things out aren't so great. Well, I have a lot of goals for the marriage that go beyond not being alone. And I happen to know we loved each other deeply. And I happen to know that I can be the woman he married and something more.

Wow, I come away today feeling as though I've been penalized for being brutally honest on here about my feelings. But I will not edit anything. Life is too short for that. What we all need is honesty and a willingness to be happy. 

MEM, if your intent is to help me on my path to my personal happiness, then your input is still welcome. If it is not, and somehow you are trying to prove a point, I respectfully request that you not contribute further to this thread. I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but there is a way to offer truthful support without making already sad people feel even worse.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I knew it wasn't directed at me don't worry. Since more or less we are the in the same boat, we can do so much having all that distance between us. 

If is hard to work on a relationship when we live together, it is even harder when we are hundreds or in your case thousands of miles away. However, the distance, time and willingness from both parties can work wonders, not only or for reconciliation but for self growth. 

I thanked my wife for leaving me a month ago, why? because if it wasn't for that decision I wouldn't be here. I would've been stuck in fear, frustrated and hurting while both of us suffered by living in an unhappy marriage. 

When we hit rock button the only way to go is UP


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

maplesky said:


> The thing is: I happen to see a number of reasons why I love my husband and why I want things to work. The book I'm reading through has a section on goals. If there is a goal for the marriage, then you might be able to work things out. If the goal is to not be alone, then chances of working things out aren't so great. Well, I have a lot of goals for the marriage that go beyond not being alone. And I happen to know we loved each other deeply. And I happen to know that I can be the woman he married and something more.


Again I have open my eyes to see things in a different way. Every time I come here I see a new perspective. Thanks!


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> I thanked my wife for leaving me a month ago, why? because if it wasn't for that decision I wouldn't be here. I would've been stuck in fear, frustrated and hurting while both of us suffered by living in an unhappy marriage.


My husband is my hero for having the strength to have done this for the exact same reason.



> When we hit rock button the only way to go is UP


True enough. It sucks that we had to go there, though. 

I got three new books on the way home from work:

1. The Love Dare
2. 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage
3. The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

PreludeCkN said:


> Again I have open my eyes to see things in a different way. Every time I come here I see a new perspective. Thanks!


You're welcome. The name of the book is _Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go_, if you're interested.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Two things I reflected on on the way home:

1. Trust, Judgment, Patience

I used to remind my husband not to speed through the photo radar intersections. The fine is $170 for 8km over in a 50 zone. Reflecting on this, not noting that he was over the limit when he was about to go through these intersections would have resulted in a better marriage. And so what if we got some fines? For one, that would have been an opportunity to exercise patience like the first dare in Love Dare (I read it yesterday). Besides, now that I reflect on it, I'm sure he did have it under control.

I had this in mind as I drove through all the photo radar intersections on my way home. Although he can't be with me and although I can't show him something different, I can imagine that he is driving and that I am talking to him about his day or a movie or something and not casting a glance at the speedometer. I can do this in silence as though he was there. 

2. Supporting a Hobby

I saw a guy on a bike on my way home. At work, I recently ran into a coworker who has a Harley and I shared that I was separated and that I felt that one of the reasons we were separated was that I never supported my husband with getting a bike here. I say "here" because we always planned on moving. Where I live, we have snow that falls around Halloween and stays until late March to mid April. All motor vehicle insurance has to go through the province, and bike insurance is prohibitive. Add to this we only had one parking spot for our car (I live in an apartment) and we really didn't have a whole gob of money for expensive hobbies. And I should add that I was really worried something would happen to him since he had a close call on a bike once. But, like the speeding thing, I wasn't showing him a whole lot of confidence and basically made him feel awful in not supporting him in his things.

I should have supported him in getting a bike. The few thousand dollars for a bike, the cost of storing it half the year, and the cost of the insurance would have been worth it for the sake of his well-being and our marriage. One thing I would do with him if I were to see him again is put on a helmet and ask for a ride and hope that he'd accept.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Maple,
I apologize. I re-read my post and my tone was out of line. 

I did not intend to be hurtful or counterproductive.

MEM



maplesky said:


> And now I want to clarify a few points. First, I am on this board and doing all this work because I do want my marriage. I'd like to think that this is obvious. Second, the only thing I can work on is me. Third, my social network last year was very limited. So the people who might have known anything was going on with me were actually quite limited. Next, I don't blame them. I take full responsibility and I'm working on me. At the same time I will NOT deny myself help. Last, I _do_ have a lot I need to work through with a counselor. Every single person on this board does. None of us is perfect and we can all aspire to be better. That is why I'm here.
> 
> What's the point of not calling a spade a spade? My situation is very different from a lot of people on this board. My husband left and moved a long way away. He is looking at a new life and is happy about the possibilities. Of course there is a lot he would want from me. Of course building back trust would be a difficult process. And of course it might be a whole lot less stressful if I made the decision for both of us, so that he could continue to feel lighter and not have to "cope" with me or any feelings that working on a marriage might evoke. I know full well what it would take on his part and on mine. The last thing he told me was that he didn't know if he wanted to be married to me.
> 
> ...


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Maple,
> I apologize. I re-read my post and my tone was out of line.
> 
> I did not intend to be hurtful or counterproductive.
> ...


Apology accepted. 

I'm here to become a better person, heal, and to repair my marriage. I welcome input that will help me in these things.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

M,
Do you think you understand enough about what was making you feel bad in your last year - that you could explain it to him at this point?

I don't know how he reacted to your comments about slowing down to avoid speeding tickets however my wife would have said to me the exact same things you said to him. She "hates" to waste money. I do as well though not as intensely. My reaction "in the moment" might have been irritation the first time, but after that I would either remember to slow down or if I didn't, I would have thanked her for reminding me. 

As for the biking thing. It truly is hard to balance the desire to support a loved one, with the fear they may be injured. Good for you for being able to put his desire above your fears.

If you had a chance to ask him what he thinks the most important changes he would wish for in your interactions together, what would he say? 

Could be basic stuff - more one on one time. More time out together with other friends. More affection. Or more specific stuff like, when you are upset I want X, or when I am upset I want Y. 






maplesky said:


> Apology accepted.
> 
> I'm here to become a better person, heal, and to repair my marriage. I welcome input that will help me in these things.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I just got the love dare from amazon, can't wait to get it.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Maple,

I also have thought about the trust issue. My wife didn't trust me with finances, she feared too much about the future. She was afraid that we were not going to have enough when we retired even if we were already saving. 

Whenever I tried to reassured her to trust in destiny (by the time I didn't like to think about God) because so far we've had a good life, she would not understand why I wasn't so worried. Anyway, at the end I should've loved her the way she was, and she could've eased up a little but about the whole retirement thing and relax a little. It's not like we were in our late 30's to be freaking out.

That's why I understand now that it took 2 to turn our marriage into an unhappy marriage. Same goes with the bike, do not beat yourself too much about the bike issue, you could've given in but at the same time he could've let it go due to the storage costs. We all are humans and selfishness is human nature, but at the same time we have to compromise with those issues that could be easily resolved. 

Anyway, day 52 and counting. Wife seems very distant still, although it may seem that she is withdrawing from the relationship, I am still loving her unconditionally and replying with care. This doesn't end until the fat lady sings. 

Here is the movie Fireproof in case you want to watch it 

zSHARE - Fireproof.flv


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Since we are giving book suggestions here are mine,

1) Love Dare
2) Getting back together
3) Taking Space - How to use separation to explore the future of your relationship.
4) Who moved my cheese
5) Hope for the separated


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I found this quote on book # 3 btw it's great!

"It is often the case that the one that is left behind is force to do the most growing."

Now i understand why my wife is numb, doesn't even want to address anything after a month and a half, and I feel ready to discuss our future. Even ready to accept her choice of divorce because I love her. Well, nada, no discussion about reconciliation/divorce, not true communication, but still in contact by asking for x, y and z. Although, sometimes asking for x, y and z is not even needed, still she feels the need to contact me. 

She always dreaded to talk about her feelings, the feeling of opening up wasn't her forte, even more if it meant that we were going to talk about hurtful feelings. For example, when we separated the first time, she recommended the movie Fireproof, we watched it separately. When we reconciled, i wanted to rent it but she never wanted because according to her made her remember about all that sadness she went through, while all I wanted was to watch it to talk about the feelings that movie evoked and exchange opinions. 

Anyway, patience is a virtue I didn't have, now I am learning to be a patient individual, it feels good  

You know what? I am getting to know my wife more by being away from her, than when we were together 24/7 isn't that ironic?


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Maple,
> 
> 
> That's why I understand now that it took 2 to turn our marriage into an unhappy marriage
> ...


I am having trouble understanding this concept because all this time I was blaming me for the failure of our marriage. But I am beginning to understand that this is not true. In my heart I really did try to work things out where as he just gave up. 

I hope both of our spouses are doing something to fix things if not with us with them. As I hope my husband to heal from the pain that I have caused him. The thing is that I know he is avoiding his feelings at all costs by not dealing with them which is classic behavior of him. If he doesn't deal with his emotions that they do not exist. I really do wish he would also seek help in the right places. In the meantime I need to work on me.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Exactly prelude, 

We can do so much in regards to them, but the possibilities are endless if we work on ourselves. They will notice, 52 days in my part compared to a whole year of real unhappiness is nothing. I know she still loves me, you don't stop loving the 1st person you ever fell in love with in 50 days. I think that's the reason she is avoiding her feelings, trying to put them in a place where she will be able to access them when she feels ready. I think about all those couples that it just took 5 min to file for divorce and go on with their lives, why? because they didn't care about each other. Not those that did it out of anger, but those couples that indeed didn't feel a thing about each other and calmly decided to divorce and did it w/o regrets.

When she came 1 week ago, she didn't want to see me and I respected that. I bought a really beautiful bouquet of flowers and left them in her parents house. She sent me a text thanking me. I did it out of love, I even knew there was a possibility that she wasn't going to thank me. She did but I can see that she is still VERY VERY hurt. It wasn't a thank you like when I first brought her flowers when we were college sweet hearts, but a cold thank you for the flowers. We both are in pain, my poor baby is in pain, but time heals and this is making us stronger and wiser. 

It will take a lot of time for her and your husband to heal, specially if they are avoiding their feelings, but the day will come. This will not last forever, it was our choice to stay put, even if it takes 6 months or a year for them to be ready. We are not rushing or pushing, or going and trying to find love somewhere else but we are doing the humblest thing we could. Love, commit, and understand.

We are becoming the spouses we were supposed to be when we said those vows the day of our wedding. Our change is happening no matter what the outcome is


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> M,
> Do you think you understand enough about what was making you feel bad in your last year - that you could explain it to him at this point?


There are a few things I know, and I would share those things with him if he wanted to know now. However, I think I (and he) could really benefit from my continuing my counseling until I have a better understanding of the past year.


> If you had a chance to ask him what he thinks the most important changes he would wish for in your interactions together, what would he say?


Improved communication is a big one: really listening, not making assumptions, and not getting defensive. Showing trust and respect for each other would also be important. And doing things together is another... be it camping, going for a walk, hiking, playing billiards, climbing, watching a movie, going to the art gallery, going exploring on a drive, going exploring on a walk and taking photos; these were all things we used to do together. 

Edited to add: intimacy.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Since we are giving book suggestions here are mine,
> 
> 1) Love Dare
> 2) Getting back together
> ...


Thanks for sharing these resources. I was somewhat disappointed by the selection at the bookstore yesterday.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Exactly prelude,
> 
> We can do so much in regards to them, but the possibilities are endless if we work on ourselves. They will notice, 52 days in my part compared to a whole year of real unhappiness is nothing. I know she still loves me, you don't stop loving the 1st person you ever fell in love with in 50 days. I think that's the reason she is avoiding her feelings, trying to put them in a place where she will be able to access them when she feels ready. I think about all those couples that it just took 5 min to file for divorce and go on with their lives, why? because they didn't care about each other. Not those that did it out of anger, but those couples that indeed didn't feel a thing about each other and calmly decided to divorce and did it w/o regrets.
> 
> ...



It took me a long time to heal and trust him again and at the same time I still loved him. Yes I wanted to end things but I always had faith that I was going go get over my resentment towards him because I really wanted for us to be happy. I didn't want to fight or feel the way I did but I don't know why I did the things I did. If I knew it was wrong why did I continue to be the was I was? That is something else I need to overcome. 

And you are right, if time is what we all need then we need to have the time we need to heal, find ourselves so that we could be the people they fell in love with or a better you or me. I knew we were unhappy for a while because of how he treated me and I tried to please him in every way but I still tried my best to make him happy. He tells me that he doesn't love me and he doesn't know when that change happen but I also believe that deep down in his heart he does still love me, and he is being blinded by anger and resentment. I hope that time can heal him because I truly want him to be happy with me or any other woman he chooses, I don't want him to jeopardize his relationships because he can't open up or because he can't trust his partner. But in my heart I know we are meant to be. 

Oh I am also interested in the book selections you posted previously.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

maplesky said:


> You're welcome. The name of the book is _Contemplating Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go_, if you're interested.


thanks I'm gonna look it up


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I've got a lot of reading that I'm looking forward to doing today, but I'm finding that I get emotionally saturated at points. It's like too much thinking about this and too much introspection is just too much. And I know that running from it isn't going to help me with the inner work that I need to do. I haven't figured out what I want in terms of new goals yet (new career? new environment? closer to family?) so I would most definitely be running from something and not running to something if I were to move at this point in time.

I also know that I can't be too hard on myself. Today is day 16 since he left; that really isn't all that much time. I could easily sell some stuff and replace some stuff so as to make the apartment my own, but that really isn't solving the root of anything. I figure that I'll just embrace the sadness and loneliness and pain and hurt that comes with each memory as it is triggered.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I hope everyone is having a good day today, or at least as well as can be expected. No matter your situation, I hope you and your loved ones can find a little comfort and some peace as you move through these difficult times.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I can relate to that, the first days I saturated myself with a lot of information because I had a lot of questions. I've read so far 5 books and still going to counseling. 

In the beginning is good, I mean it is good because since we were left with hundreds of questions, all that information we gather answers all or at least the majority of those. In a way they are nurturing, helping you cope and telling you "I understand, calm down."

I am now in the stage where I understand what happened, I know in case she changes her mind how to apply those. Yesterday, I had a good day, a couple of friends came over and it was fun. Still she is in the back of my mind, anyway it takes time...and I am being very strong. If I could make it 50 plus days, I can wait longer. 

I also hope you all are ok, I understand you with the "as well as can be expected." I am the majority of the time alone too you know, my family lives far away from me, friends well at this point they have moved out or they have families of their own. It is not college anymore, but if we are able to cope and be strong without the company of a lot of people is something commendable. We are not relying a lot on others, but we are toughing out, whether we like it or not. 

"We learn more in a day of anxiety, despair and poverty, than in a lifetime of apparent happiness, security, and riches." 

I have you guys, it is weird but my mom always says that when she had needed support and help in her life, she has found it in the least of places. From people that aren't related to her and even strangers. Thank you all for being here for me and for "listening" to me, although this stage in our lives is temporary, I am blessed to have shared and keep on sharing this experience with all of you, and that you are sharing it with me.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

It definitely is nice to be able to come to this board in times of need, yet I don't want to rely on it. While I'm grateful for the things people are sharing here and the support I receive, I'm very angry and disappointed myself that I'm "back in this place again." And, by that, I mean in marital turmoil. This is my second marriage... 

This morning, I finally filed away some odds and ends. And I went through some files. Before my husband left, I went through old shoeboxes with cards and letters. I thought he had all the ones from me, but I found two more hand-written letters today from me to him. One is dated January 10th, 2006. The other is dated November 27th, 2009. Reading both of them made me bawl. I want him to have them, but don't know if I can send them. And then I found the music he learned to play for me on the acoustic guitar, which is sitting here in the office collecting dust. And I just found a bunch of miscellaneous paperwork and receipts and each one had a memory...

And then I spent some time checking out Google Maps and looking for photos of places where he is at... I hung the world map back up to remind me that there is a whole huge world out there waiting to be explored, including where he is at with his beloved mountains. Does anyone else do this? Does anyone else who is separated by hundreds or thousands of miles look, wish, and wonder? Ugh. Oh and I ate an entire container of Cool Whip by itself. It was the lowfat stuff and I ran 19 miles yesterday and will run again today, but still... that can't be good.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

19 miles  WOW I run but hey you are a pro haha

Yeah, I also do that. I wonder how she is doing, the places she is going. I have been in the city she moved to though. I guess we have pretty much gone to those places when I visited her the first times before the separation. 

I don't know, sometimes I don't even want to think about anything because the mind can play some dirty tricks on you. Dreams are just some of them.

maple, don't be angry. Forgive yourself for all those mistakes, if we cannot forgive ourselves, we cannot forgive others completely. I understand is your 2nd marriage, and can imagine how you feel just accept what happened and continue growing. I don't know how was your other experience, was it equally hurtful and eyeopening as this one? did you even work on yourself? because I also had a great relationship with a girlfriend 7 years ago and I messed up really bad too. It was heartbreaking, eyeopening, etc BUT I never read any books, I didn't go to counseling besides going to help me with depression and when the depression passed I kind of forgot about my personal issues. That's the reason they came back when things started going bad in my marriage.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

*From a Jan. 10th, 2006 (6 months before we married) letter to my husband:*

_Today I am a better person because of you, and I will continue to strive to be a better person for you._


And I never once stopped believing that. 

That is something I'd like him to know.

*From a Nov. 28th, 2007 (1.5 years after we were married) letter to my husband:*

_I hope we can move to a better place, still. Somewhere warmer and prettier. Somewhere saner and more real. In the meantime, I accept that we'll be here a little while longer and I see this time for what it is: a bridge between where we were and where we're going. I hope we can have some fun crossing it, even if we get shot at or rear-ended along the way!_

We always wanted out of this place, and the first apartment we had was downtown and crazy noisy and dangerous at times. We wanted out, but then we got stuck. I feel really bad about this, but I'm glad he got out. I always figured we'd do that together, though. And it was doubly painful when I heard the planes taking off that day he left. It still hurts, but I know I'm working at getting stronger so I can make the move. One of the last things he said to me about this place what that it had no power over me.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> I don't know how was your other experience, was it equally hurtful and eyeopening as this one? did you even work on yourself? because I also had a great relationship with a girlfriend 7 years ago and I messed up really bad too. It was heartbreaking, eyeopening, etc BUT I never read any books, I didn't go to counseling besides going to help me with depression and when the depression passed I kind of forgot about my personal issues. That's the reason they came back when things started going bad in my marriage.


I did work on myself a lot after my first marriage. I saw a counselor. I read a ton. I sought support online. All the same things I'm doing now. And I do believe I healed in a lot of ways. At the same time, I do believe I was fragile for a while after because of my life circumstances... in the span of 15 months (2004 - 2005): I moved to live with my parents after the divorce; I tried to reconcile with my ex at a distance; I saw a counselor; I took on a stressful job with a lot of responsibility; I had to cope with the suicide of my father's ex-fiancee; I was job hunting on top of my crazy work schedule; I experienced a rebound relationship that lasted about a month; I experienced the stress of needing to find a new job fast; I hopped on a plane and moved to a new province (one I had never previously visited) to start over again on my own; my new beginning involved a job, two suitcases, not knowing anyone, and a lot of questions... I'm sure that would have taken the wind out of anyone's sails. 

At this point, I just figure all the stuff I've been through in my life caught up to me this past year... plus I wasn't seeing my husband enough (different work schedules, not enough vacation time together) and I just sort of killed my hurt with running. I think. I'm still working through all of this. There's a lot in there: potential mild depression, SAD, apathy with the situation but feeling too tired to get out, feeling drained, having gone through a lot of stress and transition at work, feeling powerless, feeling that my husband was tired and drained too... the list goes on.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I am sorry you have suffered this way maple  I mean what can I say. We are only the ones that can make ourselves heal. Some of us have been suffering for a long time, some have just started but the point is not only trust life itself will help us to surpass this hurtful stage in our lives. Who said life is easy...

This morning I was by myself, being sunday and everybody with their families. I decided that I wasn't going to let myself feel lonely and I went for a 3-hours walk. During that walk I finished reading this book, 

Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh 

It has been the most insightful book to calm my anxiety and feelings of loss. It is not just for people that are angry but for those that suffer from desperation, stress, etc. 

At the end it recommends to write a letter to the person you have hurt, and it came to as a sign because I have been meaning to write that letter specifying my mistakes instead of saying "I am sorry about everything." I have to make peace with her because I know she is still hurt no wonder she cannot even let herself see me or talk to me on the phone. 

This peace will come with no strings attached. I' planning to send this handwritten letter next week...

How are you so far maple? Sundays are hard I know


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> I am sorry you have suffered this way maple  I mean what can I say. We are only the ones that can make ourselves heal. Some of us have been suffering for a long time, some have just started but the point is not only trust life itself will help us to surpass this hurtful stage in our lives. Who said life is easy...


Exactly. I've been through some pretty hard stuff and gone through the toughest times alone. However, I do take full responsibility for healing and see it as my "job" right now. I remind myself of all the things I have to be grateful for, as well. But recently a new thing for me is being gentle with myself. It's okay that I am hurting. It's okay to admit I'm very human. It's okay to seek help. It's okay to want to do little things for myself (like curling up with a movie) if I don't feel so good. And it's okay to take the time needed to feel strong again.



> This morning I was by myself, being sunday and everybody with their families. I decided that I wasn't going to let myself feel lonely and I went for a 3-hours walk.


Weekends can be tough, and I did the same thing as you. I got out for another run. And I did a whole bunch of laundry and some reading as well. 



> At the end it recommends to write a letter to the person you have hurt, and it came to as a sign because I have been meaning to write that letter specifying my mistakes instead of saying "I am sorry about everything." I have to make peace with her because I know she is still hurt no wonder she cannot even let herself see me or talk to me on the phone.


I think that is a very good thing to do. Good luck with your letter. 

Today is day 6 of the second period of no contact, except this one had no defined timeline. I'm really not sure what to make of this, but I'm just trying to embrace the fact that time to sit with things and reflect without pressure is needed. It's as though we can sometimes force ourselves to work through stuff too quickly, maybe because the pain causes us to be impatient. I like the idea of taking time to sit with things, to digest things at a natural pace, and to not arrive at conclusions too quickly.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

How long do we wait? 

Six months? A year? Until our spouses file for divorce? A lifetime?


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

maplesky that is a question I have been asking myself today


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Well, I think we have to wait until we want to wait.

One is that we are impatient because we are in so much pain and don't want to suffer any longer, another that we don't want to be married to them no more. Just picture yourselves telling your husbands that it was over, or going to file for divorce. Would that make you happier? less stressed? I don't think so. 

It's been just a month, or 2 for some of us. Balance that for a whole year of ups and downs, of I love you's and I cannot stand your sight's. It is the least we can do for us and for them, wait for them even if it means that they could lean towards divorce. THEY HAVEN'T ASKED us for divorce, that's all we have to remember when we are running out of patience, WE ARE STILL MARRIED. Our patience up until now, even if forced, has been commendable.  We didn't have to wait, we could've filed for divorce the moment they walked away...but we didn't.

Our willingness to change, get information and counseling, although semi-forced, has to be applauded.  We could have stayed resented and hurt, and not accepting our own mistakes like many many people before us. Blaming their spouses for leaving their marriage, resenting them for being weak and not staying to face the music...but we didn't.

We are doing this for ourselves, remember. Not ONLY because we want them back, if we are doing everything to have them back the moment they are back we will revert to our old selves. I did it once already and i regret it with all my heart.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

maplesky said:


> How long do we wait?
> 
> Six months? A year? Until our spouses file for divorce? A lifetime?



Me too


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Well, I think we have to wait until we want to wait.
> 
> One is that we are impatient because we are in so much pain and don't want to suffer any longer, another that we don't want to be married to them no more. Just picture yourselves telling your husbands that it was over, or going to file for divorce. Would that make you happier? less stressed? I don't think so.
> 
> ...


Yea at least my H hasn't come over with the divorce papers, because now that really means that it is the end. I can only hope that he takes his time with that too. That is one of my biggest fears that he is just going to come tomorrow with divorce papers. I have also been thinking that just in case he does, can I delay the process? Is there something to ask for counseling first then divorce? in CA.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> Well, I think we have to wait until we want to wait.


Yes, absolutely. I have days where I grapple with the logistics, though. Some days it seems as though I really do "get" that it doesn't matter what I end up doing or where I go; if my husband and I are meant to get back together, our hearts will find a way to bridge the distance. However, some days when I don't hear from him directly, the distance can seem like a galaxy. And naturally I wonder which one he is in (and which one I'm in) and how many light years separate us... maybe time travel is an appropriate analogy here since they are very much living in a different time and space. 



> It's been just a month, or 2 for some of us. Balance that for a whole year of ups and downs, of I love you's and I cannot stand your sight's. It is the least we can do for us and for them, wait for them even if it means that they could lean towards divorce.


This is what I keep telling myself each day.



> Our willingness to change, get information and counseling, although semi-forced, has to be applauded.  We could have stayed resented and hurt, and not accepting our own mistakes like many many people before us. Blaming their spouses for leaving their marriage, resenting them for being weak and not staying to face the music...but we didn't.


It still doesn't undo all the wrongs, though. I personally harbor a lot of guilt and I likely should as it reminds me what I need to work on.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Resources for Trust?

I've been reflecting a lot on my faults. One of the things I'd most like to change about myself is how I'm not a very trusting person. I remember as a child my first feelings of feeling alone, building up a wall, and not trusting. I remember the exact specific events and feelings in kindergarten, in grade 3, as a teenager, and in my early 20s. 

Does anyone recommend a good book for working on trust issues and becoming a more trusting person? A process? I'll talk about this with my counselor tomorrow as well, but I thought perhaps someone on the board might also be working on this or know someone who has. Thank you.

Question about The Love Dare:

I did the first two days of the Love Dare, but got stuck on Day 2 which is about showing kindness. Kindness includes gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, and initiative. My husband lives in another country and is 1400 miles away and we haven't exchanged any form of communication for 7 days (today is day7). 

I had two ideas. The first is to look into flight schedules and costs, and work out a tentative block of time to take off from work to visit him but I don't know that he would want this. And the other I idea I had was getting a motorcycle helmet as he got a new bike and he said that one thing he always wanted to do is take me for a ride (but he figured I wouldn't let him). 

Do these kind of actions count? There are two reasons I ask. First, I don't know that they are things he would want given that we are separated and he isn't ready to revisit the past year yet (so I don't know if they would truly be acts of kindness). Second, I wonder if your spouse has to be physically present for some of the Love Dares?


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I think you are showing helpfulness and willingness already by giving him the time he is requesting and to refrain from contact, you are willing to help him to heal. 

Even more than that, I read in a book, that by giving them the time and space they requested, you are trusting them to come up with a decision that in their opinion is going to be the best for them. When we trusted our partner with the faith of your marriage and let go, we are showing them how committed we are. 

Sometimes the best thing you can do is do nothing. Of course do nothing, but prior to that communicating how we are working on ourselves and that we want to save our marriage.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I was so tired. I am so tired. I was living on the banks of a shore in a lean-to. Yet I was having to go hunting and gathering each day just to survive. But all the while I knew my husband was there. And when I came back to the shore, he'd be fishing just offshore in a raft that he had been paddling upstream for a quite a long time. But then he was simply too tired as well. And the wind and water were roaring and we couldn't really hear each call out. And it got to a point where it wasn't worth it for him anymore. And he stopped paddling. 

Now I imagine that it has got to feel amazing being able to stop padding against the current. Scary, but exciting. Sad for leaving me behind, but revitalizing all the same. But now I'm on that shore trusting that he can navigate around obstacles, make camp, and move on to his final destination. It's still work of course, but he has some new goals and he's no longer fighting that mighty river. I trust that he'll make it and do what is right for him. And I know he's worried about me and trusting me to do the same. 

I need to leave my own little campsite soon, but I'm not strong enough yet. So for now I'm working on me, working on getting stronger, then I'll also need to make my way on a journey. Do I build a raft and take the river? Or do I just start to walk through the forest?


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

HUH?


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> HUH?


Sorry, I re-read what I wrote and I guess it didn't make sense at all. I was just trying to come up with an analogy for what I went through. And since my husband and I liked camping and hiking, that is what I envisioned: a camping adventure where one person gets stuck on shore while the other person is out on a river or lake. And while they're both off trying to accomplish separate tasks for the same end (collecting berries or fishing or building a fire or paddling a raft upstream), they get stuck out there in two different places as they're struggling for survival. 

I figure if you're surviving the environment yourself and you just get really tired, it's enough wear to anyone down eventually. We weren't finding ways to recharge ourselves and to recharge the marriage. I think we needed extra doses of that given all that we went through together. (I blame the poor analogy on watching Survivorman on TV last night.)

I'm kind of blaming circumstances here: no support group at all, 5 years of incredible challenges, few visits to see family, loneliness, depression, being tired, being stressed... each one of us was carrying a huge load. One of us saw what was happening to the marriage but couldn't really get across how desperate things were until he put into action plans to leave -- and left. And the other of us couldn't see what was happening until it was too late -- just a week before he left. And now we're both tired and recharging. Sadly, I'm still stuck on the shore and he is way down the river now.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

maple,

You are overthinking, I hope it doesn't come as rude, it's the least I want to express. We all did it in the beginning. That's what made us tired, that's what didn't allow us to sort of live our lives, function or even eat. 

I know it is nearly impossible after less than a month of finding yourself alone, desperate, etc because I was there where you are 1 month ago. Can I suggest something? try relax a little bit, find relaxing techniques online, 

Do you feel like something is being pressed against your skull all day? I did, but mine feels now like a minor headache, it is sorrow not guilt anymore. My wife is there in the back of my mind but now the image of her is not of somebody who hates me, somebody who I hurt but somebody that I love and miss, no more no less. 

If I am talking about myself is just because I want to give you an example of what I've been going through and show you that it will get better. The feelings of guilt are somewhat getting smaller because I have been able to forgive myself. 1 month ago, I couldn't even get up in the morning, I had a major headache and guilt trips that didn't allow me to function. 

You shouldn't blame anything because that's life. We cannot go back time by overthinking every detail, having analogies, by blaming ourselves or the circumstances, it happened and will stay there.

Read that book called Anger, it is really good for inner peace. Let time take its course, and take you with it, not the other way around.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

maplesky said:


> Resources for Trust?
> 
> I've been reflecting a lot on my faults. One of the things I'd most like to change about myself is how I'm not a very trusting person. I remember as a child my first feelings of feeling alone, building up a wall, and not trusting. I remember the exact specific events and feelings in kindergarten, in grade 3, as a teenager, and in my early 20s.
> 
> ...



I'm in the same boat. I plan ordering the love dare later this week but I keep thinking about the distance being a factor. I'm in the US and she is in Canada (the opposite of your situation) and we are 700 miles apart. 

I know that I will be doing it for both me and her, both as a way to save our marriage and myself. But I'm just afraid she won't be able to see any changes in me with no contact etc.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thanks, stbxhmaybe. I am likely analyzing things a lot. Maybe I'll talk to the counselor about this today. 

Needmygirl, I guess there's a way to be creative about the distance with the Love Dares. I'm seeing that now, and I wish you well with this.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I received an email from my husband yesterday, and this made me happy! I read the email a few times before going to bed. I'll reply to it today.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Awesome! I assume the email was positive? Also keep me filled in on some of the creative ways you are using to implement the Love Dares. Part of the reason I'm in the boat that I'm in stems from my lack of creativity when it comes to romance.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I am very happy for you maple 

Just give it time


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

The email was positive in that my husband seems to be doing really well in a few areas in his life. I get the sense he's not ready to discuss our marriage yet, and that is just fine. I'm also in need of some time to work on me and work through some stuff. 

In my reply, I did ask him if I could mail something to him as part of Day 3 of the Love Dare. I felt as though I needed to ask if this would be okay before sending something. I know exactly what I want to send.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I already did that when she was here I week and a half ago, I bought her flowers  didn't see her because those were her wishes and I complied, still it was her graduation and was HER day. 

This has been a humbling experience like Feelingalone said in his thread. Doing stuff without expecting anything in return, what wrong can come from that as long as it's not frequent.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Just wanted to post a little note of thanks to everyone who has replied to my posts. Yesterday my counselor and I discussed the pros and cons of my using this forum (not pros and cons of the forum in principle, this specific forum, but my personal use of the forum). 

One of my personal goals is to nurture the existing relationships in my life and to build new strong ones. And part of what I need to start doing is to start to lean on the supports I have around me. I've had a tendency to internalize stuff and not ask for help when I need it. I've also been quick to share (or dump) on people I don't feel as comfortable with as I should in order to be sharing certain things. So I'm turning over a new leaf. I've decided that I'm going to try to take up all the offers of support from trusted people in my life. I'm going to think before I speak and rely more on the people closer to me. And at the same time, I want to balance my needs with their needs. 

When I have difficult moments, I can ask myself if what I'm experiencing might pass if I write it all out in my journal, or go for a run or even just sit quietly with it and do some deep breathing. Prayer, of course, is another possibility but the promise I've made myself is to take my time with exploring my belief system at this time. I am doing work in this area, but I need to be careful not to explore a belief system only when times are tough. All this to say that if these strategies are tried and don't work to help calm me down or give me some peace, then maybe it's okay to give a trusted family member or friend a quick call. 

This forum has been a great place for me to come when in a panic, feel as though I'm not alone, discover some resources, and learn a lot about what others are doing to work on themselves and to try to save their marriages. I am by no means healed and I'm definitely still on an emotional roller-coaster. I had another horrible dream last night and woke up so very sad, but I feel as though in order for me to truly grow I need to take this next step by walking the talk when I say I'm going to work on trust and working on nourishing and building relationships. This will be a lifelong project. 

I wish everyone all the best. What a tough journey this is, but one that will make us stronger if we can see the good the comes from difficult times. If my husband and are to reconcile, I will absolutely post an update.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Please do so maple,

I also wish you all the best! you are strong, you are willing to change and you are healing. 

Peace be with you


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I agree maple and to all of you if you reconcile with your significant others please give us a light of hope. And I wish you the best on the road to recovery.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thanks, to both of you. I hope to one day post a really happy ending to this separation. 

Yesterday I learned that my husband got the job he wanted. He emailed about that, and I bawled when I read it. It was as though all the worry and fear I had for him in his current situation turned into overwhelming relief and tears of joy. In thinking on it more and crying a lot more last evening, I realized my tears also came from seeing how it is possible to make things happen... even during a separation. He's seriously my hero for knowing what he wanted, and taking the steps towards it. My husband has more faith in himself and in God than I have faith in myself and God. He's miles ahead of me, and I can only look at his example. I mean it. 

My husband will accept my gift (which I am making) as he said he will let me know when it gets there, and he thanked me in advance for it. That feels good. He said that he hoped I was doing it (the Love Dare) for me, though, and not him as he did not need any convincing that I wanted to stay married. I explained that I was doing it for me, but also I should have shared that these actions in the book require us to practice unconditional love... which necessarily means there are no expectations in return. 

I am really determined to change with regard to how I am with others. If I could talk to him about us right now, I would tell him that I am committed to seeing these changes for me and for the others in my life. And I would share how I am going to go about making these changes. And would communicate in no uncertain terms that my dream would be for him to be on the receiving end of these changes. I would love for nothing more than a chance at a conversation on the phone, and maybe a visit to show him I'm committed to being the change. 

I'm reading a book called The Relationship Cure. No matter the outcome of this separation, I need to work on nurturing my relationship with myself, with family and friends, and with God. There are some good strategies in this book that make a lot of sense. I am going to start applying them today, but I know that long-lasting positive change takes time. In the meantime, I need to remember to be able to ask for help if I need it. 

I'm truly sorry for going back on what I said about not posting. I do need the forum this weekend. My usual support group is not available, and the weather is such that I feel a little down and alone. But I know next week will be better and I can get back on track with a few things. I will have to revisit my decision about posting on the forum with the counselor. Two steps forward, one step back... but as long as we are taking steps forward all the while, then we are doing well, right?


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Hi maple, 

It's ok, sometimes I also avoid the forum because it makes me remember about my situation but I am still in this situation, whether I like it or not  it is a great tools for when we are by ourselves and need somebody to listen to us.

I am really happy for you maple, baby steps like I always say. It is also great that he is willing to communicate again, you gave him the time he requested and now you are seeing the results. Really very happy for you. The fact that he got that job is great, he can focus on your relationship. I know what you mean when you say that he is your hero. I feel the same way about my wife.

I just trust God that whatever she decides will be the best for her, I love her, I miss her and I want her to be happy just as that. 
Last week she sent me an email asking for a small favor, still it was kind of different, more interested on my life than just asking for a favor. Anyway, it was something and 1 month and 3 weeks into the separation I just hope is a sign that she is starting to open her heart at least for communication. 

I am just very happy with myself for allowing her to have this time, and for having all the patience in the world. Patience is indeed the mother of all virtues, and my friends I didn't have it but I am working on becoming more patient as time goes by.

I just received in mail a good movie that you all may be interested in,

It's called "no greater love"


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Thanks for the movie suggestion, stbxhmaybe. 

I volunteered at a road race this morning. There was a family event, and I got to see all the kids in strollers and some wee little ones running with their moms and dads. It was awesome to see all the happy faces and to see everyone crossing the finish line, but driving home by myself I felt very sad. I drove home alone in the wind and the rain, came home to an empty apartment and I miss him so much.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

You are welcome maple, 

I read in a book that many people that separate the first thing that they look for is somebody that would make them feel loved. This book recommends another way to handle this, to have an affair with ourselves. 

I am doing this, I am loving myself and taking care of myself and preparing for what's coming. That's why I feel really good, because I didn't run away from my problems but faced them and am trying to change myself. 

Don't feel lonely, you have yourself to keep you company and God. Have an affair with yourself and find that love and happiness inside of you.

I have seen some signs that some could say that we will end in divorce, maybe we will but I trust God that whatever happens will be for the best of both. I have come to love myself so much, I don't hate myself anymore, that's why I am prepared for that. I am prepared to live my life w or w/o her 

Peace be with you


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

If my husband agreed to a one-day visit, I would love for us to go on a trip on his motorcycle to the coast. He always wanted to take me for a ride on his bike. And the coast is a place he loves and wanted to share with me. Along the way, we'd stop in the mountains and sit and listen to the quiet under a dark canopy of green. We'd look out from a beautiful scenic view atop a mountain pass. Then we'd carve our way down to a picnic we prepared and a walk along the beach. We'd talk, we'd be close, we'd hold hands, we'd keep each other warm. And the conversation wouldn't necessarily be profound or deep or about all of this stuff we're going through. It would just be us, with love and we'd take new pictures of our feet, in the sand. And on the way back, just as on the way there, I'd be holding on to him tight on the back of that bike.

There is nothing I wouldn't give for that day because in that day I would trust him to be in control, I would share the things he loves and I would love them too, we'd be together in nature, and most importantly we'd be "us" the way were... as well as the way we were meant to be.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

I had the worst weekend yet. I took Friday off as a vacation day, and we had thunderstorms with inches of rain through Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It is still raining. I cried the whole weekend. I'm not sure if I cried more or if it rained more. I miss him so much! It's day 24 since he left and I feel so incredibly sad. I know he knows I want to stay married, but I doubt he knows how committed I am to seeing the necessary changes in myself. I just want a chance to show him this...

Is anyone else going through this? I cried all the way in to work on the bus today. People told me that it was supposed to get better after two weeks, but my heart hurts just as much if not worse. I wish I had a session with my counselor today because my heart feels like it is going to explode. I'm trying to be strong and to do stuff for me, but I feel like I'm getting worse by the day.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

maplesky I am also on day 24 and the for me the first 2 weeks were so emotional I couldn't even see straight  I am not saying I am feeling better about the situation....maybe even a little worse but I am feeling better about myself and I guess that is something


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

finallyseewhy, I'm glad to hear you are feeling better about yourself. That is definitely a step in the right direction. I haven't (and won't ever) forgive myself for everything I did and did not do in my marriage. I put myself in this miserable situation. I caused my husband great pain. And now I know I'm only beginning to go through what he went through all this time.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I can completely see where you are coming from. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done to this family. I have taken full responsibility for my part in the marriage failing. With all that said once I fully taken responsibility for what I had done and started to make a positive impact on moving forward I have felt better. 

I really believe history tends to repeat itself you can't forget the past. I have also learn(very painfully) that you can't dwell on it either.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

The first weeks were the worst. Now, into the 60th day I feel WAY better, I can see myself happy and enjoying life despite my situation. 

Be patient girls, the time will come when you will see the sun again, meanwhile just pray and realize that this situation has happened for the better.

HA! the three of us are logged in at the same time


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

stbxhmaybe reading your story honestly gives me hope....just the how it seems you have come so far emotionally. 

I will say I pray every night and I feel better doing and I know that in the end I really have no control because it is just not in my hands. I am seeing flickers of light at the end of the tunnel and I know it will be awhile till I see the light but it is nice to see flickers


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> I can completely see where you are coming from. I dont know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for what I have done to this family. I have taken full responsibility for my part in the marriage failing. With all that said once I fully taken responsibility for what I had done and started to make a positive impact on moving forward I have felt better.
> 
> I really believe history tends to repeat itself you can't forget the past. I have also learn(very painfully) that you can't dwell on it either.


My goal is to work on all the relationships in my life and to be a good friend, daughter, coworker, etc. And I'm pleased with the new sense of perspective I have in these areas. 

At the same time, I should have been doing this all along. I should have been doing this with my husband at my side. I do wish he and I could have made a few different decisions along the way, but I still want my marriage.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I also want my marriage and husband desperately back  I am just praying that in the end it all works out.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> I also want my marriage and husband desperately back  I am just praying that in the end it all works out.


Hugs. This just sucks for all of us. I'm praying a lot these days, too... but I should have been doing that all along as well. I seem to only find a connection with God when times are tough. This is something I want to change about myself. And that just feeds into a bit of a belief that I'm just not good enough or not what he needs or wants. On top of it, I am older than he is, we were having a hard time conceiving, our families are at opposites sides of a continent, I let little things stress me out, I judged everyone in my life so much so as to exclude them from my life, I put up walls... there are so many legitimate reasons why he wouldn't want to be back with me. But I am committed to seeing change. But how can I show that to him at 1400 miles away? I guess the only thing I really can do is pray.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> The first weeks were the worst. Now, into the 60th day I feel WAY better, I can see myself happy and enjoying life despite my situation.


If I include the final week before he left, this is over a month for me now of just awful sadness, regret, pain... it feels like something is horribly off in the universe. 

When was the last time you saw your wife? Do you guys email at all? Do you have children together? What is your current dynamic? Do you get the sense she will be able to talk about your marriage anytime soon?


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Yeah, 

I have mend or at least tried to mend relationships with other people in my life not only with my wife. 

It doesn't matter now if we re conciliate because I know I will be a good husband, son, relative, friend even if we don't. If she decides is better her life w/o me I will respect it. 

Many people have told me to let go, the more we try to hold on to somebody the most likely they will try to run from us. They have to realize if they really need us in their lives, and if their happiness rests on being alone or with a different person, because of the great love I feel for her I also want that. 

I never thought I could say this but, "I love her only to want her happiness" above all things. Everything happens for a reason and I've seen that throughout my life, and this happened to make me love unconditionally not only her but life, my family and my friends.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

maplesky said:


> When was the last time you saw your wife? Do you guys email at all? Do you have children together? What is your current dynamic? Do you get the sense she will be able to talk about your marriage anytime soon?


I saw her 2 months ago, we email but not related to the relationship. Sometimes I feel that she has already given up. We don't have kids. 

Still hope is there and I have truly shown her what I want. I don't want our marriage to be over, that I am working on myself, that I love her but in the end is her decision.

I don't think she would want to talk about the marriage anytime soon, or maybe she feels she has already said all she needs to say and one of these days she will serve me, she is pretty much numb, and among that numbness I don't know if she has decided what she wants to do. I can do so much with her, don't know if she is working on herself because she is an adult, she didn't ask me to go to counseling, she didn't ask me to read books or do the Love Dare, I chose to do it. At the same time, she is free to decide what's best for her and I love her no matter what happens. 

Like in the movie fireproof, I am just rolling with the punches and every email she sends I reply with care and interested on her for the same reason, if this ends I don't want to regret anything. I am all in and finally, it won't happen like in Vegas, I am not going to lose either way because I am already a winner by becoming a humble person that can love w/o expecting anything in return.  and I will keep that forever and wherever I go.

Remember when in the movie the wife gave her husband the divorce papers? Well, he never pleaded, never begged, but signed them. That's the way it should be, if a couple reconcile is because they do it out of freewill, not because of pity, need, habit, or even the children, but out of love period.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

stbxhmaybe I can remember the 1st time I saw the fireproof movie and I cried and I remember begging H to watch it with me but he was tried. If I would of really watched the movie and did the love dare then I don't think I would be here typing today....gosh that hurts to write  

I got to day 11 in the love dare before he left and I will say he did notice a change but it almost freaked him out because it was such a 180. 

I will say the love dare really helped me reconnect with my faith and THAT in itself was a victory.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

From maplesky:but I doubt he knows how committed I am to seeing the necessary changes in myself. I just want a chance to show him this..

I know what you mean maple, I too am doing everything I can to change. Well as some of you may know that I was jealous and controlling, well, I did one terrible thing before I left him, I erased a phone number from his cell phone. It a another girls number, his ex-coworker. Last time we talked he called me out on it and told me that I clearly haven't changed. I need help.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Okay, I need a good talking to! I feel awful because I think I misunderstood what my husband needed most from me: for me to just refrain from contacting him for a while and to leave him to work things out at his own pace, at his own time, in his own way... from the past few emails, I got the sense that occasional contact (just not contact about he and I) would be okay, but I think I was wrong... maybe? I'm so confused about this.

I'm so lost about all of this. If somebody can please help me to understand what is going on... I would be so grateful. I emailed him to tell him the parcel for the Love Dare was sent and when it will get there. And on Saturday after my long run I almost had to call 911 (I had acute pain in my back/side where my kidney stone is and I thought I might have been passing it and I emailed him to let him know what was going on after the pain had subsided and I had called my family... I was so panicked because my family is all in another province and my husband in another country... ugh). Then today I emailed to wish him good luck on his new job tomorrow since he had told me about it and I really wish him well with it! But maybe I shouldn't have contacted him on any of these occasions? He hasn't replied to any of those email messages but I really don't expect any replies and really I only did send the good luck message a couple of hours ago. But on the way home from work I got thinking about this and now I have a feeling I'm doing the wrong thing by communicating at all. So I tried to call him a few minutes ago to apologize for the emails and to clarify what he needs. And I fear I made things even worse because he wasn't available... and I should have just figured it out...

And now I'm posting on this forum when I said I wasn't going to! I can't get anything right. I feel like a total failure. I'm going for a run to clear my head. I think what he needs is for me to stop reaching out to him. Even though I'm not talking about the relationship, I think just hearing from me is probably upsetting him. I need to just let him contact me, I guess. 

I have so many things I feel sorry about right now.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I sooo feel your pain  Me and my H talk daily if not more because of the kids but I will say it stays about the kids. It has gotten of track a few times about us(good and bad....one time it was us getting a little too friendly on the phone if you get what I mean) The last few days we have had more conversations but about light stuff and kids. I have told him good night in a text a few times when we were already texting about the kids at the end. 

I think telling your H good luck was fine and if anything good  probably the thing about being in pain no. I only say that because you didn't have to call but thought you were going to. 

I am like you were he was/is? my best friend and has been for over a decade and I desperately miss just chatting about stupid daily things. It is probably one of the things that hurts the most


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I don't think emailing him Good luck or because you might needed to go to the hospital was bad. But I guess he is taking it the wrong way but not replying. Perhaps you should stop contact for a while until he tries to reach you. Yea I know when will that be? I am on the same boat here. I have decided to cut him off, or should I say myself. 

I know it is hard and it is in your best interest but I guess they are just not seeing it this way. They want space and time to reflect on this situation. 

But I think my H might not be alone after all. Something else I need to deal with. 

I wish you inner strength and peace for all of you!


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Yeah maple,

I feel the same way, just cut yourself some slack, it's been 24 days and you are already blaming yourself that you cannot do anything right. We are humans, we tend to make mistakes, more importantly they are not even mistakes you were being nice, period. The only thing that I wouldn't have done is calling to apologize, if you did it out of goodwill and care, there is nothing to apologize for. 

Don't give yourself such a hard time maple, take it with patience but yeah let go of him. It takes time but you will be able to do it eventually ok?

now relax girl  lift that chin up you didn't cause any troubles...


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

One of the reasons my husband and I are now separated is because we couldn't seem to have kids, and that was so stressful and it broke my heart then we saw a specialist who was just horrible then I got stressed out and then he thought I didn't want them anymore...

As for beating myself up, I will continue to do it. I guess I'm also angry with myself for a bunch of stuff. He told me the other day that he was angry at me, at himself, and at life. Well, I'm angry at me, too. 

Stbxhmaybe, I appreciate that you seem to be trying to help others going through separation. But I have to request that you do not address me as "girl" in future communication. I find it disrespectful and inappropriate. I'm not comfortable with that, so thanks for understanding.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I understand and will not happen again  it wasn't my intention to be disrespectful or anything


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