# Is he bored or really not in love?



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

1st post and it will be long. The husband and I met when we were 19 (we're going to be 30 this yr). I'm the only 1 he's ever been with (can't say the same for me). We got married quickly (within 2 yrs) so he could get financial aide for school.. I got pregnant less than a yr into our marriage so we didn't have much of a honeymoon phase. A little further on I was in and out of the hospital for about a yr due to health problems. II've had a few surgeries and have been under restrictions (which have recently been lifted). I told him from the very beginning how being with me would be like and have given him chances to walk away. But he kept saying he could handle it and stayed. recently he told me that for the past 2 yrs something was wrong and he didn't know what it was and he was unhappy. We started counceling and issues that he hadwith me came out. I've worked on them, but he said i only did it for him. now he's saying he still cares for me and we're friends, but there's no romantic feelings anyymore. He wants to try to work things out because he doesn't want throw away 10 yrs. How can we work things out? How can he get those feelings back. I know deep down he feels that he missed out in lfe by only being with 1 woman and getting married so young. I feel bad about that, but he's the 1 who 1st brought up marriage. He's the 1 who decided to only be with me. The therapist suggested he may be depressed and he might need individual counceling. Of course he completely dismissed the notion and now thinks therapy is stupid and he doesn't want to go anymore. Besides all we do in our sessions is fight. He'll keep going because he wants to do whatever it ttakes if our marriage can be saved or not. I asked if he resented me or not and he said no but he may have been sparing my feelings since he knows how hurt I am about all of this. Any advice on if he's just bored? What can I do to help him get those feelings back? We tried going out just the 2 of us but we either go to the movies and not talk, go for a drink and have uncomfortable silence (I try talking to him but only get 1 word replies), or we wind up going with a group of people so we get no time alone.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Wonder

You have several possible issues here. I doubt that he resents you because of your health issues. But he may be feeling the responsibilities and health issues are too much for him at this time. That would be something that individual counseling might help with. You said you end up fighting during your couples counseling. What do you fight about? To address your primary concern here, yes people can recover those deeper loving feelings once lost. It will take time an effort for both of you. You need to communicate and perhaps the best way for you to start is with casual small talk. If you sit in silence it is possible you don’t wish to speak because you don’t want a deep conversation. Begin to re-explore the things you used to have in common. Spend time as a family with your kids. Look for something new to do as a couple. We took ball room dancing lessons and had blast. Things can get better but first you must communicate.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He may just be at a point in his life where he is re-evaluating himself and having thoughts that he may be missing out on something. In my opinion, I don't think this necessarily means all doom and gloom, but it is a major sign that changes are needed within the marriage if he is to feel better about it. Do you go out on dates at all? When you get into the daily routine of work/bills/kids it's important to balance that with having fun with one another and be able to talk about each other as individuals and as a couple. Are you close? If there have been feelings building up with him over time whether it's feeling unloved, unappreciated, lack of sex or whatever he may have become disconnected and talking through what he's been thinking the past few years may shed some light. I think it's really important at this time not to be defensive or argue with what he's saying, but to listen and acknowledge his feelings, even if you don't agree with him. This will most likely not be a quick fix and require a lot of patience on your part. I wish you both the best.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

We have talked. Like I said, I would trysmall talk and nothing came of it. I have to have another surgery so we can't really start any new hobbies or anything together. When we fight it's about whatever issue the therapiist brings up on that day. Our last fight was about how he doesn't think he would have as much fun when it's just the 2 of us than when he's with his friends. I'm going to give hiim all the time he needs and am going to do whatever it takes


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

We try to go out on dates. For I suggested we go out last friday. He forgot and told me he was going out for drinks after work with people from his job. Thhat's his fridayroutine and normally it wouldn't bother me. So he said he would go out with them for anightmare hour and then we'd go out. Then he jusst told me to meet him at the bar and hang out with everyone. This goes back to him nt havinng fun with me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you tried going to the beach or a state park and walking around, maybe collecting leaves or shells. It sounds silly but the interaction of doing a scrap book on the trip with what do you think of this one, oh that's nice I am also looking for...you get the picture. Dating like you first did can really help, but let him know you want alone time with him.

If you can be a part of him going out with his friends. Be a part of that group. Maybe you'll have fun there. Maybe he'll have fun with you.

It doesn't sound like he has given up.

There is plenty there and he does seem to be trying so go for it.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

wonder said:


> We started counceling and issues that he hadwith me came out. I've worked on them, but he said i only did it for him.


Maybe you should try this from a different angle. Focus on yourself & start doing things that make you feel better. I started going to the gym and recently started running because it does make me feel good and running clears my head (I am happy that my husband likes to do these things with me, but would still go if he didn't) 

I know what you mean about going to the movies...I've been trying to come up with ideas where we are doing something together but can still talk/laugh...things we would normally do with the kids like batting cages, mini-golf, bowling, sailing, fishing...If we go into the city or to a movie, I'll notice things like those little photo booths and suggest we cram in there for a picture or play a game of pacman, just to make it more fun.

We sometimes go to the local pizza place/bar & usually end up in conversations with the people around us (even though we are both normally shy) & it does make it more fun. 

The thought of deep one-on-one conversations is probably stressful (for both of you) and going out with friends is not so maybe if you bring on some fun the conversations will follow naturally.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

that would probably work if he was open to the idea of going out with just me, but the problem is he's not. He has no interest in doing anything with me except sex. I've almost had it with sex. I don't wantt to have sex with someone who doesn't love me and I shouldn't have to. We talked a little last night and we reallized we're both really stressed out. I'm stressed over how he's acting and it hurts very much. He's stressed over how he feels about me, and he's hurt because i'm hurt. We had therapy yesterday and now he really doesn''t want to go back. We have a bunch of parties and alcohol is involved. So the therapist practically acused him of being an alcoholic. Which is completely rediculous since we have a liquer cabinet that hasn't been touched and we have 3 month old beer in the fridge. Then she spent the next 45 mins reading from a book. Something she read, I just don't understand. It was along the lines of to get feelings back you have to do thngs that you would do if you still had those feelings to begin with. How is this possible? Can someone explan this because neither of us understand.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

Oh yeah, another thing the therapist said was that we definitely do communicate, but we don't connect. How do we start connecting????????


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Communication is two parts. The first is being able to explain things to people so that they can understand. The second is actually listening to what the other person is saying. Maybe the therapist felt while both of you where spilling your guts that the other really wasn't listening (thus the lack of connection.)

draconis


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

We also had some problems some months back. We started to solve our problem by first taking a lot of time away from each other, we only spent 2 weekends per month as he went on to work in a near by state. This gave us ample time to evaluate the matter and reflect on ourselves. This may not be possible for u and its not a good idea for some couples. 

It would be good if you can find something to do on your own that will make you happy and also give the time that he needs. May be this will make him feel like wanting to spend time with you?? I have tried this and it works for us, whenever I have my own things to do away from DH and am enjoying it without bothering him he feels lonely and want to join me or if he doesnt like what i m doing he'll suggest something fun together.

But first of all, you 2 should address the issue and solve it with effective communication, like draconis mentioned explain and listen. To avoid fighting explain using "I message" and listen without interrupting.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

Tell me if l'm overreacting. I'm really hurt by this. I bought concert tickets for us. Itold him if I have surgery before then I wouldn't be able to go and he should take my brother. Well now even if I don't have surgery by then, i'm still not going. And he wants me to buy another ticket for my sister in-law so she could be the designated driver, eventhough she drinks as much as they do. How are we suppose to reconnect when he won't go out with me?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like there are issues beyond what you see on the surface. He isn't an introvert but yet doesn't want to go out with you?

draconis


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

We had a long talk yesterday. I told him it felt like he didn't want me around and I was upsett that he didn't want to go to the concert with me. He iinssisted it wasn't true and reassured me that when he was planning to go wwith my brother, it's only if Ihave surgery by then. I believe him. He's ever lied to me before. He still wants us to get another for my sister in-law if I don't go. I'm still not too thrilled about that because I know that it's going to backfire.. We went on an actual date last night. We went to the movies (there really isn't anything else to do here other than going to bars. and we had a bit too much to drink on the 4th so the bar was out). We saw hancock, and wwe both liked it. Then we went out to dinner. We talked and laughed. It was a really good time. Then we went home and did stuff. I know 1 good date doesn't fix anyhing, but I think it's a step in the right direction. He keeps saying that he's trying and it's going to take a lot of time and patience. Although I get in these moods whhere i feel it's hopeless, i'm going to give him all the time and patience he needs.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Correct, one good date won’t fix things but it is a place to start from. Continue on and grow as a couple. Good luck.


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