# So here is my sad story:(



## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

OK, I'll try to be brief, we have been together for 22 years, married for 18 and have 2 kids together, 15, 12. Our relationship has always been good with very little fighting and we work really good together as a parenting team I always took care of bills etc... and we never had any money problems and traveled quite a bit, Scotland, West for skiing trips, The Florida Keys, etc... My wife was diagnosed with depression about 20 years ago and her family doctor started her on Zoloft and she has been taking it ever since, but we never had therapy or any counsiling. Early last summer we found out that her father had colon cancer and the tumor was large and needed removed. The news was really hard on my wife but she put on a brave face and started going up to their house on the weekends to be with her father and help care for him. She's a teacher so she always has the summers off and spent a lot of time at her folks on the lake so that wasnt' a problem. Anyway they sucessfully removed the tumor and all seemed good until they found spots on his liver! Now he needed 8 weeks of Chemo treatement. This was even harder on my wife and as she went up to their house on the weekends she came back more and more distant from me. I would talk to her and she would reply" I'm sorry what did you say?" she also spent a lot of time in the shower crying and was getting more forgetful. Now it gets bad; the first of October she tells me that she doesn't love me like she should love a husband and wants to move out and get a divorce! I'm floored! I never saw this coming and have no idea why until I start figuring out that she has a boyfriend. It turns out that a friend of hers that she grew up with since she was 7 (44 now) and never was attracted to, started coming around and helping with her father. His father also has liver cancer and is now in stage 4. The more time they spent together talking the more emotionally she got hooked on him and after she gave me the news it became a PA! 
She refused counseling and continued to see him and about 3 week ago her parents left for FL and she broke down and cried like her father had died. She then asked me to get her into counseling where they found that she is severely depressed and has been for many years!! They also believe that her depression is the reason for all of her bad decisions and why she is blaming me for just about everything. 
That brings me to now. I helped her move into her own place last weekend and I'm told by her counselor to help her and be kind until he can reach her and break the depression. She is on about her 6th visit and she is willing and the are moving with it, but she still has her boyfried and she is trying to introduce him to her friends! Her family doesn't endorse him or it and because of that she keeps pushing the divorce. She also takes my 12 year old daughter to spend the night at his house, which kills me but I can't push her because of her depression! My son flat out won't go and thinks its wrong but is afraid to tell her. 
Anyway, I love my wife and know that she is in there some where and that is not her that is making all of these bad choices, but having to wait for the counselor to sort it out is tearing me apart!! 
I guess I'm not looking for any answers, just wanted to put it out there for maybe someone else who has gone through this or is going through this. Depression is a whole different animal and makes the situation much harder to deal with. You can't take the normal approach to ending the affair. I told everyone I could when I found out but that didn't help because she had already justified in her mind that we were done. Also the reason she gave me for her not wanting to be with me were almost silly. That is the result of the depression the goods things I've done in our marriage our OK in her eyes and the little things I've done wrong are huge to her!


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

So how am I doing? the last 3 months I've lost 25 pounds and wake up every night at 4 and wake up every hour after that I still put on a brave face with my kids and with my wife but inside I'm hurting! I never would have thought this would ever happen to us. I would have bet my life it wouldn't.
Could I take her back? Yes, without a doubt. I know this isn't her and I also know she can love only one, that is why she is turning me away right now because she believes that the other guy is the guy for her. (The guy that has been married 3 times, lives in his parent lake house, and is soon to go on disability) Plus we would go through counseling before we would get back together.
I'll survive, I always do, but I would like to continue one with my wife and kids


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

She needs some real life consequences. Are you funding her place? Let her boyfriend do it! Read up on the 180 and start doing it. Only talk about the kids. Sorry but trying to nice her out of this is NOT going to work. Show her you can move on without her that's the only way she will start respecting you.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You have to get the OM out of the picture. If your wife is depressed then the guy is just a no good, opportunistic predator. Sure he helped with her father - big f!ing deal. He did it for a reason and it sure as hell was not altruism. 

If you know this guy, contact him, expose him, tell your family about him, his family, etc. Your wife does NOT need him. 

Also - do not let your kids get caught up in this. In no way should they be spending time with this guy. You're not divorced, your wife is depressed. You have grounds for taking sole care of the kids until your wife is better. I know this sounds harsh and cruel, but your wife is in no mental state of mind to be a responsible parent. Give her love and attention - be there for her, but get the POSOM out of the picture.

And take care of yourself. Get a prescription for something that will help you sleep. Sleep is important - you can't make good decisions when you're not rested. Eat properly and try to exercise in the mornings - that will set up your day and will help you sleep at night.

Very sorry for what you're going through.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

My wife suffers from depression as well...not near as bad, but that could never justify an affair on any level. I would want the divorce as well.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Sorry your here! Touching story but that is your wife. My wife got hooked on pain pills and cheated blah blah blah! No excuses. You are still in shock. You are not gonna nice her out of this one! You need to destroy the affair. Expose it to all her family and friends. Implement the 180 and do not waver.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

> Also - do not let your kids get caught up in this. In no way should they be spending time with this guy. You're not divorced, your wife is depressed. You have grounds for taking sole care of the kids until your wife is better. I know this sounds harsh and cruel, but your wife is in no mental state of mind to be a responsible parent. Give her love and attention - be there for her, but get the POSOM out of the picture.
> 
> And take care of yourself. Get a prescription for something that will help you sleep. Sleep is important - you can't make good decisions when you're not rested. Eat properly and try to exercise in the mornings - that will set up your day and will help you sleep at night.



I agree with Cedarman
Go for sole custody shrink has to talk in court in the case of childs custody.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Until a court orders you to I wouldn't even let the kids go to her house unless she rids herself of this POS. Your kids are old enough to have a say in this (even in court). If they don't want to go, then don't make them.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

Your wifes counselor is an idiot and is definitely NOT a friend to your marriage.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

What do you know about this POS's family? Does he have a Facebook page?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Agree with all of the above. 180. If she wants to play house, it's the full monty, not cake-eating. When he has to be the husband instead of cake, neither one of them is going to be very happy about it. 

The depression is being used as a weapon to deflect you from rightfully protecting yourself from this.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> So how am I doing? the last 3 months I've lost 25 pounds and wake up every night at 4 and wake up every hour after that I still put on a brave face with my kids and with my wife but inside I'm hurting! I never would have thought this would ever happen to us. I would have bet my life it wouldn't.
> Could I take her back? Yes, without a doubt. I know this isn't her and I also know she can love only one, that is why she is turning me away right now because she believes that the other guy is the guy for her. (The guy that has been married 3 times, lives in his parent lake house, and is soon to go on disability) Plus we would go through counseling before we would get back together.
> I'll survive, I always do, but I would like to continue one with my wife and kids


I am sorry you are here and hurting. First things first. I can say with some certainty (and the credentials to back it up) that YOU are clinically depressed. The early morning waking was the killer clue. Please see your GP on Monday and take the presciption you are given. It will take at least two weeks to begin to work. During that two weeks, make no big decisions. Your job is only to take the meds, breath in and out, sleep and eat when you can and take care of your kids. If you are working, at the very least, tell your boss.

The 180 is good, especially for the next couple of weeks. If your wife calls, you are not home. 

Keep posting. Folks here mean only to help if they can and offer you support.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Your daughter is 12. TWELVE!

she is learning how relationships work. She will apply her knowledge to whatever relationships she forms.

You are raising a future depressed woman who is taken advantage of by every player in her world. I pity the man she marries.

Your son seems to have more sense than his own father. As parents you have both failed these kids.

You deserve whatever you are willing to accept. Your kids deserve better. If not two parents with good morals at least one. 

They have none. You are sowing the wind but your children will reap the whirlwind.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> That brings me to now. I helped her move into her own place last weekend and I'm told by her counselor to help her and be kind until he can reach her and break the depression. She is on about her 6th visit and she is willing and the are moving with it, but she still has her boyfried and she is trying to introduce him to her friends!


No therapist worth his or her degree is going to say "be nice to her and help her and be patient" while she continues her open affair and even goes so far as introducing him to her friends.

2 possibilities

1- The therapist is completely incompetent and or a scammer looking to make a bunch of money off of your rapidly deteriorating marriage.
2- The therapist never said any of those things, she TOLD you the therapist said these things to her and she's just "relaying the messages to you". Is that what happened? Have you actually spoken to the therapist directly about these issues?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Are you serious IC is telling you to take care of her so she's not hard on herself while she cheats on you, blames you, demonizes you, dumps you for another man, introduced him to your daughter, to your friends?
And did you really buy that? Are you kidding me?
IC is acting in her best interest, not yours, not the marriage. She won't judge her, ever.

She doesn't have a pass due depression.
Stop giving he excuses, enabling bad behavior. She's shtting on you, man! Wake up! She's not rewritting the marriage and demonizing you because she's depressed. It's the standard unrepetant cheater's handbook page 1.

She's gone, man. Take care you you and your daughter. She has OM to take care of her. Go hard 180, dark on her. NC except for the kids and finances. Don't allow your daughter to go to OM's house is you can. File for divorce. Expose her. Don't ask her a thing. She's not your friend anymore. 

The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm sorry your here, but I'm glad to see that your reaching out.

I understand your dilemma. It appears that the advice given for dealing with the infidelity is in direct opposition to the recommendations for dealing with the depression. It must be very confusing. Particularly while trying to stay strong for your family and cope with your own pain.

In my opinion, your wife needs to experience the consequences of her continueing actions and can not be allowed to use her condition to escape the natural consequences of them. I strongly disagree with being in any way supportive or kind to her. I believe you should steel yourself to take action against your wife and her choices in the spirit of your love for her.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Acabado said:


> She's gone, man. Take care you you and your daughter. She has OM to take care of her. Go hard 180, dark on her. *NC except for the kids and finances.* Don't allow your daughter to go to OM's house is you can. File for divorce. Expose her. Don't ask her a thing. She's not your friend anymore.


I would take it one step further and go complete no contact. You can get an intermediary to pass financial info back and forth and have them filter out anything that is not absolutely necessary for you to hear.

Also, I would expose this far and wide, and on both sides, not just hers (hence my earlier question that you have yet to answer about his side of the family). She is trying to replace you with POSOM as smoothly as she can and you are allowing it. He is introducing her to his family without any real truth as to how they met. People need to know the truth about what is happening and why. You are being painted a monster to her family and his to justify their actions. You just gonna stand for this sh!t and go sit in a corner and suck your thumb?

C'mon, dude, you're better than this. He's systematically taking over your family. Are you just going to lay down and not fight this sh!t!!!!! 

Man the fvck up!!

Damn!


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP-- I has SAD and take Zoloft every winter, my brother is bipolar. As I move through my own divorce I am on a pretty good dose of the stuff... I can wholeheartedly tell you that your wife's depression is being used as a weapon against you. Even in my darkest days before I was diagnosed, I knew right from wrong. She is hiding behind an illness, and that is cowardly no matter how sick she may be. Depression is not a free pass to trample on the emotions of other people. 

Also, as a parent I also agree that your daughter should not be subjected to her mother's AP. That just hurts my stomach even thinking about it. Also IC is a complete moron if that is the advice she really gave. 

It would be prudent of you to seek out your own IC. You have a lot on your plate; an outlet would probably do you good. 

I am so sorry... I Know how hard depression can be on a family. I know how much it can cloud your vision of the woman you knew... but truly the only way you are going to see her again is if you put a stop to her charades and excuses, and demand what you deserve... which is a heck of a lot better.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

tom67 said:


> She needs some real life consequences. Are you funding her place? Let her boyfriend do it! Read up on the 180 and start doing it. Only talk about the kids. Sorry but trying to nice her out of this is NOT going to work. Show her you can move on without her that's the only way she will start respecting you.


No I'm not paying for anything. She put up the deposit and paid a month in advance to move in. She furnish the place with old furniture from the basement so that she wouldn't mess up the look of my house. I did make a steel bed for her as I own a welding a fab shop and didn't want her to take ours. I also got her a new matress on a swap I worked out with a furniture shop I was making a pallett for. 
I just started the 180 with her as she just moved in last weekend but with 2 kids it's hard to not be in contact because the kids are in sports and need rides everywhere.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Talking about the kids is one thing -- you draw the line there.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> OK, I'll try to be brief, we have been together for 22 years, married for 18 and have 2 kids together, 15, 12. Our relationship has always been good with very little fighting and we work really good together as a parenting team I always took care of bills etc... and we never had any money problems and traveled quite a bit, Scotland, West for skiing trips, The Florida Keys, etc... My wife was diagnosed with depression about 20 years ago and her family doctor started her on Zoloft and she has been taking it ever since, but we never had therapy or any counsiling. Early last summer we found out that her father had colon cancer and the tumor was large and needed removed. The news was really hard on my wife but she put on a brave face and started going up to their house on the weekends to be with her father and help care for him. She's a teacher so she always has the summers off and spent a lot of time at her folks on the lake so that wasnt' a problem. Anyway they sucessfully removed the tumor and all seemed good until they found spots on his liver! Now he needed 8 weeks of Chemo treatement. This was even harder on my wife and as she went up to their house on the weekends she came back more and more distant from me. I would talk to her and she would reply" I'm sorry what did you say?" she also spent a lot of time in the shower crying and was getting more forgetful. Now it gets bad; *the first of October she tells me that she doesn't love me like she should love a husband and wants to move out and get a divorce! *
> 
> *The 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' story= I've been screwing another guy.*
> 
> ...


Draw a hard line in the sand, NOW, and start taking actions. The longer you wallow around, the better the chance she will be gone for good.

Be strong!


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> No I'm not paying for anything. She put up the deposit and paid a month in advance to move in. She furnish the place with old furniture from the basement so that she wouldn't mess up the look of my house. I did make a steel bed for her as I own a welding a fab shop and didn't want her to take ours. I also got her a new matress on a swap I worked out with a furniture shop I was making a pallett for.
> I just started the 180 with her as she just moved in last weekend but with 2 kids it's hard to not be in contact because the kids are in sports and need rides everywhere.


Let me get this right...you made the bed she will use with this OM? WTF! 

That's not the 180.

You need to make this hard for her not easy. You will lose her of you continue this way.

Make it hard for her to see the kids.
Set limits on the kids being around OM
Be unavailable to her for help
Exposé her cheating and affair to all
Get everyone you can on your side
Stop worrying about her depression, it's an excuse to indulge
Start to take your life back before it's too late.

Making this hurt for her will give you a chance


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

Any good marraige counselor will tell you that if there is depression present that it must be addressed before anything else can take place. Also I'm dealing with a "Soul Mate" type of affair and if you read Harley's book on surviving an affair, they can either be stopped the right way, by willingness, or the wrong way, which is letting it play out and die, which he says has a shelf life of about 6 months. She believes she loves him and because she told me we were done in October, and filed for divorce in November that makes it OK. I've moved her out, and she is on her own financially and I've got her going to counseling to deal with her depression. My only option is to wait and see if she comes around.
The depression aspect of this is what makes my problem different. Through the last 20 years she has a distorted view of the way I treated her, which is completely different from reality. She feels I didn't care for her the way she needed and didn't make her feel safe. She also said that she had to provide the health insurance which is one of the reasons she didn't feel safe. She got health insurance through her teaching job the last 3 years. I provided the heath insurance for the last 19!! That's just one example of many distorted views she has in her depressed mind. 
I do go to counseling also and I've got some signs of depression but I can deal with it. I don't feel hopeless or alone, etc... The sleeping aspect is because being a guy I'm constantly try to fix the problem in my mind I'm also self employed so work is not a problem.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

dogman said:


> Let me get this right...you made the bed she will use with this OM? WTF!
> Yeah so I could keep mine in my bedroom!
> 
> That's not the 180.
> ...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Any good marraige counselor


I stopped reading this post at this point. Marriage counselors have an 84% failure rate when adultery isn't even involved. Would you like to guess the failure rate for them when adultery _*is*_ involved??

You are getting, taking, and paying for seriously bad advice.

Believe it or not. It's not my life we're talking about.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> .
> The depression aspect of this is what makes my problem different. Through the last 20 years she has a distorted view of the way I treated her, which is completely different from reality. She feels I didn't care for her the way she needed and didn't make her feel safe. She also said that she had to provide the health insurance which is one of the reasons she didn't feel safe. She got health insurance through her teaching job the last 3 years. I provided the heath insurance for the last 19!! That's just one example of many distorted views she has in her depressed mind.


That's not the depression making her think like that. *ALL* cheating spouses re-write the marital history and demonize their loyal spouse. It's the way they rationalize their behavior. 

Start reading other threads here. You will see that your situation is not unique at all, and that your WW is following the same cheater's script that all cheaters follow. 

Are you seriously going to let some other man f*ck your wife's brains out for the next several months, hoping that she will eventually come to her senses?

:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> That's not the depression making her think like that. *ALL* cheating spouses re-write the marital history and demonize their loyal spouse. It's the way they rationalize their behavior.
> 
> Start reading other threads here. You will see that your situation is not unique at all, and that your WW is following the same cheater's script that all cheaters follow.
> 
> ...


Agreed.

Friend you need to read more about affairs and the mindset of wayward spouses. The behaviors you have described are not from depression. They are from the cheater's script. 

Rewriting the marital history - check
Blameshifting - check
I love you but not in love with you speech - check
I need space to figure things out speech - check


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I'm sorry your here, but I'm glad to see that your reaching out.
> 
> I understand your dilemma. It appears that the advice given for dealing with the infidelity is in direct opposition to the recommendations for dealing with the depression. It must be very confusing. Particularly while trying to stay strong for your family and cope with your own pain.
> 
> In my opinion, your wife needs to experience the consequences of her continueing actions and can not be allowed to use her condition to escape the natural consequences of them. I strongly disagree with being in any way supportive or kind to her. I believe you should steel yourself to take action against your wife and her choices in the spirit of your love for her.


 It is very tough! People with depression see things very differently than people without depression and if you don't suffer from depression it makes no sense! She is not using it as an excuse for what she has done, and if you ask her, she truely believes she hasn't done anything wrong! People with depression reason things differently in their mind and they will pass blame and make excuses to justify what they believe is the truth. 
She didn't start going to counseling to address the depression for the affair, she went to address the depression of her father dying. Only then the counselor, my counselor, found that her depression runs deep and has been there for a major part of her life. He also believes that her depression has led to many of her bad choices over the past few months. She was diagonsed with depression about 20 years ago but what we didn't know or do was have her get counseling to deal with the issues and because of that she has dealt with them most of her life which didn't help me any


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is her counselor by any chance a female? A modern day "you go girl" type of person. 

What kind of research did you do on this person? Who recommended her/him?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Is her counselor by any chance a female? A modern day "you go girl" type of person.
> 
> What kind of research did you do on this person? Who recommended her/him?


Nope, older dude with a high sucess rate, but he is strong faith based.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Nope, older dude with a high sucess rate, but he is strong faith based.


So a faith based counselor feels its ok for her to continue to have an affair? What faith is he based in may I ask?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

dogman said:


> Let me get this right...you made the bed she will use with this OM? WTF!


Yeah, so she didn't take mine! They never slept in mine and now they never will!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Yeah, so she didn't take mine! They never slept in mine and now they never will!


No, you just custom built one for her new lover.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

OP, you said that you have filed for D. Or did she?

How long until it is final? Is a separation agreement in place regarding child support, visitation, etc ?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Why is she not being treated by a physician for her depression. 

Often faith based counselors push the 'remain married at all costs' agenda. So, this counselor has a high success track record? A record of LONG TERM success, or just, they left my office still married? 

There's a difference.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

bfree said:


> So a faith based counselor feels its ok for her to continue to have an affair? What faith is he based in may I ask?


He quoted me a story from the old testament of a man who's wife prostituted herself and he went and got her and showed her love and kindness, she went and did it again and he went and got her again and showed her love and kindness and won her back he then pointed out that when/if my wife ends the affair and comes out of her depression, would she consider returning to someone that was kind to her or someone that attacked her and made her life hell?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> No, you just custom built one for her new lover.


Yeah cost me about $50 in materials. If I had to buy her one in a settlement it would be much more than that!


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Prostituting yourself is not the same as falling in love with someone.

One is just sex, the other is a strong emotional attachment.

I think they stoned adulterers in the Old Testament, no?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

And your counselor approves of your children being exposed to a man who has relations with their mother while their father lives somewhere else?

I don't see this as very "faith based". I guess they will have to learn morals from their friends - or just learn to do what their parents do.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> OP, you said that you have filed for D. Or did she?
> 
> How long until it is final? Is a separation agreement in place regarding child support, visitation, etc ?


She filed, the 60 day cooling off period is about over. Form there we go finish the custody, property, etc... and its done. She doesn't want child support and wants joint custody. she also doesn't want anything but what is already hers. The house is mine in a trust and she can't touch it


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> He quoted me a story from the old testament of a man who's wife prostituted herself and he went and got her and showed her love and kindness, she went and did it again and he went and got her again and showed her love and kindness and won her back he then pointed out that when/if my wife ends the affair and comes out of her depression, would she consider returning to someone that was kind to her or someone that attacked her and made her life hell?


Can you please quote chapter and verse of this story.

If you'd like to debate the Bible when it comes to relationships, sex, divorce and adultery I would be more than happy to oblige as I'm probably sure many others here on TAM would. Christianity is very clear when it comes to adultery and marriage. Unfortunately what we often have now is not Christianity but Churchianity, a watered down version reflecting more feminist viewpoints rather than the Word of God. Your wife is engaging in adultery. It is a sin. By condoning it and excusing it you are also sinning.

What does the Bible say about adultery?

What does the Bible say about the role of a man in marriage?

Does the Bible talk about men leading the marriage or being led by the woman?

Are you leading this marriage or are you being led by your wife?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> She filed, the 60 day cooling off period is about over. Form there we go finish the custody, property, etc... and its done. She doesn't want child support and wants joint custody. she also doesn't want anything but what is already hers. The house is mine in a trust and she can't touch it


Not to be a downer, but from all that I've read about infidelity and broken marriages, the odds of reconciliation are close to nil when the cheating spouse is a woman *and* she is the one who files for divorce. I'm sure the others here with plenty of experience will echo that sentiment.

Start steeling yourself for a life without her. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Start the 180 for *you*. Not with the hope of winning her back, but to prepare yourself for the single life.

Sorry...


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> OK, I'll try to be brief, we have been together for 22 years, *married for 18 *and have 2 kids together, 15, 12. *Our relationship has always been good with very little fighting and we work really good together as a parenting team* I always took care of bills etc... and we never had any money problems
> 
> *My wife was diagnosed with depression about 20 years ago **THIS IS 2 YEARS PRIOR TO YOUR MARRIAGE *and her family doctor started her on Zoloft and she has been taking it ever since, but we never had therapy or any counsiling.
> 
> ...


How is it that your wife is able to function completely normally in every way - able to live on her own, feed herself, wash herself, go to work, BE A TEACHER, able to take care of your children alone without supervision, able to carry on a romantic relationship with her boyfriend - yet she cannot be given any harsh words by you for fear she may kill herself? What happens if one of her students gives her a hard time? Or another shopper at the grocery store?

Your story makes no sense. I believe that you believe it, but I don't believe it.

Now my story is somewhat like yours. My wife used to love me, but then aliens came and took her away and replaced her with someone who looks EXACTLY like her. Since this happened, she has moved in with another man and is pushing me for divorce. The alien leader told me to just be patient, very soon his minions will be bringing my real wife back and then everything will be good between us again.

In other words, I think the depression is just an excuse to keep you off her back while she continues to cheat. Why doesn't her counselor tell her to break it off with other man, also, or is he part of the CURE for depression?

The counselor is just a man or woman who went to school and studied, then went into practice. Some are good and some are bad. 

I apologize in advance if I'm full of spit, but I've been around a while, and I've heard a lot of stories, and yet I've never heard of such a story as you tell of the woman who can suffer no consequences and is completely devoid of any responsibility for any of her actions. Yet she is charged with teaching our children in school and taking care of her own at home. That doesn't sound wise to me, does it to you? Could she not do some harm and then just say, well, it's not my fault, I was "depressed"?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

Look, I'm clearly hurting here! I never thought this would ever happen to me and if you would have put a gun to my head last summer and asked me to bet my life on it, I would be dead now. 
The fact is, it did and now I'm one of those dudes! My kids know that I love their mom and I've tried to do the right things to keep everybody safe and fairly normal. They also know who is having the affair and who is sleeping alone at night. They know that their dad was faithful and doesn't believe in divorce and would like to avoid it at all cost. I can't keep my 12 year old daughter away from her mother! She loves her mom and if I forced her to stay away it would damage my relationship with her. 
All I can do now is be supportive of my kids and try to show them right and wrong by my example. If they don't already know, they will figure out what their mom did to our family and I think they already know for the most part!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I'M SORRY. Do whatever works for you.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Look, I'm clearly hurting here! I never thought this would ever happen to me and if you would have put a gun to my head last summer and asked me to bet my life on it, I would be dead now.
> The fact is, it did and now I'm one of those dudes!


Osk, the sad thing is that the people posting here *for you* have been where you are. None of us expected it. It sucks! It's humiliating, depressing, gut-wrenching, etc. We have all lost weight, sleep, and questioned our sanity.

Your old life is gone, and isn't coming back.

We are giving you hard advice to help you get through this with less pain than we had. Don't make the same mistakes as so many of us. The trail to get through this has already been cleared. You don't have to be a trailblazer.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Not to be a downer, but from all that I've read about infidelity and broken marriages, the odds of reconciliation are close to nil when the cheating spouse is a woman *and* she is the one who files for divorce. I'm sure the others here with plenty of experience will echo that sentiment.
> 
> Start steeling yourself for a life without her. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Start the 180 for *you*. Not with the hope of winning her back, but to prepare yourself for the single life.
> 
> Sorry...


Yep, that's what I'm starting to think also!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Look, I'm clearly hurting here! I never thought this would ever happen to me and if you would have put a gun to my head last summer and asked me to bet my life on it, I would be dead now.
> The fact is, it did and now I'm one of those dudes! My kids know that I love their mom and I've tried to do the right things to keep everybody safe and fairly normal. They also know who is having the affair and who is sleeping alone at night. They know that their dad was faithful and doesn't believe in divorce and would like to avoid it at all cost. I can't keep my 12 year old daughter away from her mother! She loves her mom and if I forced her to stay away it would damage my relationship with her.
> All I can do now is be supportive of my kids and try to show them right and wrong by my example. If they don't already know, they will figure out what their mom did to our family and I think they already know for the most part!


Then show them how to be a man. Demonstrate to your daughter how a man handles this kind of situation, a good Christian man, so that when she searches for a husband she will have your example as a basis for comparison. Hold your wife accountable and do not accept any excuses for her bad behavior. Detach yourself from her and only communicate if you have to as it pertains to the divorce and the children. Tell your wife that YOU want the divorce because she is committing adultery. Your wife won't kill herself (also a sin btw) because you hold her accountable for her behavior. That's yet again a tactic that wayward spouses use to try to keep the betrayed spouses from making their affair difficult to continue.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

3putt said:


> I would take it one step further and go complete no contact. You can get an intermediary to pass financial info back and forth and have them filter out anything that is not absolutely necessary for you to hear.
> 
> Also, I would expose this far and wide, and on both sides, not just hers (hence my earlier question that you have yet to answer about his side of the family). She is trying to replace you with POSOM as smoothly as she can and you are allowing it. He is introducing her to his family without any real truth as to how they met. People need to know the truth about what is happening and why. You are being painted a monster to her family and his to justify their actions. You just gonna stand for this sh!t and go sit in a corner and suck your thumb?
> 
> ...


I've noticed you have responded to everything but this.

Why?

This isn't biblical, this is a full blown addiction, and unless you do an extreme intervention, she will be lost to the addiction for a very long time. In the mean time, you (and she) will lose your family. 

You are making a critical mistake being a willing enabler in this, and you will reap what you sow if you don't take some action other than welding her a bedroom dresser to match the bed.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

3putt said:


> I've noticed you have responded to everything but this.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


I don't know his family, name or where they live in the winter, somewhere in Florida is all I know. I've exposed it to everyone around her and to her entire family but I do know that his family always adored her and would accept her no matter what They are just glad their POS son has a new women. Oh, and they spent New Years with his sister so I guess she is OK with it!


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

bfree said:


> Then show them how to be a man. Demonstrate to your daughter how a man handles this kind of situation, a good Christian man, so that when she searches for a husband she will have your example as a basis for comparison. Hold your wife accountable and do not accept any excuses for her bad behavior. Detach yourself from her and only communicate if you have to as it pertains to the divorce and the children. Tell your wife that YOU want the divorce because she is committing adultery. Your wife won't kill herself (also a sin btw) because you hold her accountable for her behavior. That's yet again a tactic that wayward spouses use to try to keep the betrayed spouses from making their affair difficult to continue.


When I bring this up to my daughter she says that mom tells her that we are already divorced it just is a matter of paperwork so it's not adultery! I know she can spin with the best of them and if I push it my daughter gets mad and tells me to move on!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FryFish said:


> Your wifes counselor is an idiot and is definitely NOT a friend to your marriage.


:iagree:


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Wtf am I reading. I have suffered depression most of my life, and my father also died from cancer which ate him away in front of my family's eyes in what must have been one of the worst times in my life, yet you don't see me using it as an excuse to cheat on my wife and act like a narcissistic crack addict. OP, your wife doesnt have a patent on grief and loss, all people endure it. Your wife is just disgracefully usi
ng it as an excuse, and her incompetent counsellors are enabling her. Kick. Her. Out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So she isn't seeing a physician for 'depression' ? 
That's depressing.

What's worse is that a 12 y/o daughter chides her father with "move on!"


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> When I bring this up to my daughter she says that mom tells her that we are already divorced it just is a matter of paperwork so it's not adultery! I know she can spin with the best of them and if I push it my daughter gets mad and tells me to move on!


Your daughter is right. Move on. Your wife is gone. You need to accept it.

She's wrong about it not being adultery btw but at this point is doesn't matter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> When I bring this up to my daughter she says that mom tells her that we are already divorced it just is a matter of paperwork so it's not adultery! I know she can spin with the best of them and if I push it my daughter gets mad and tells me to move on!


When and how and for how long did your wife train your daughter to disrespect you?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> I don't know his family, name or where they live in the winter, somewhere in Florida is all I know. I've exposed it to everyone around her and to her entire family but I do know that his family always adored her and would accept her no matter what They are just glad their POS son has a new women. Oh, and they spent New Years with his sister so I guess she is OK with it!


Ever considered getting in this pricks face? Dr. Harley encourages the BS to confront the AP, and I agree with it. Not saying fight the SOB, but get in his face and let him no in no uncertain terms you will not sacrifice your family without a fight. Even better if you can do it in front of others.

You just might impress your wife by accident. Women love men that stand up to them, and for them.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> So she isn't seeing a physician for 'depression' ?
> That's depressing.


The counselor will introduce her to a physician in a week or 2 when she is ready, he specializes in major depression and PTSD which she also has but isn't willing to address at this point. With him her medication will be re-evaluated.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> When I bring this up to my daughter she says that mom tells her that we are already divorced it just is a matter of paperwork so it's not adultery! I know she can spin with the best of them and if I push it my daughter gets mad and tells me to move on!


Sounds like your STBXW has been making you look bad to your own daughter, too. She will demonize you to whomever will listen in order to justify her decision to leave you for POSOM.

Please, please, please sit your daughter down and warn her to be wary of POSOM. Don't let her be a victim of your STBXW's poor decisions.

Start the 180, today, for your own protection and focus all of your attention on your kids' well-being. Your goal is to eventually have an* indifferent *attitude towards your ex. Not hate, not spite, not love, not friendship. Indifference. Meh. It won't happen overnight, but practice the 180 daily, accept that your wife is likely gone for good, and you will get there eventually.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> When and how and for how long did your wife train your daughter to disrespect you?


Smacking you daughter at this point wouldn't look good in a custody hearing


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> How is it that your wife is able to function completely normally in every way - able to live on her own, feed herself, wash herself, go to work, BE A TEACHER, able to take care of your children alone without supervision, able to carry on a romantic relationship with her boyfriend - yet she cannot be given any harsh words by you for fear she may kill herself? What happens if one of her students gives her a hard time? Or another shopper at the grocery store?
> 
> Your story makes no sense. I believe that you believe it, but I don't believe it.
> 
> ...


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

In your state, can the children decide which parent they want to live with once they are 12?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

oskmoninosk said:


> He quoted me a story from the old testament of a man who's wife prostituted herself and he went and got her and showed her love and kindness, she went and did it again and he went and got her again and showed her love and kindness and won her back he then pointed out that when/if my wife ends the affair and comes out of her depression, would she consider returning to someone that was kind to her or someone that attacked her and made her life hell?


Did he mention why a wife would come back to someone she has no respect for? 

You've allowed the therapist to endorse her cheating as ok and a valid action due to her depression. How is it she can work and have a bf and kids, while depressed but she can't be faithful?

Sorry, but in my opinion you are being played by her and her enabling therapist, you've been sold on being a doormat with the tiny hope you wife will stop cheating magically.

If she's been depressed for 20s why woud she become underpasses because some guy of faith tells her nice parables?

Sorry, but you've been made into a doormat by these people, you really need to be fighting for the marriage.

Drive off the OM.
You need to take action to stop your children fom bring exposed to him. Having your daughter keeping over at his house so your wife can cheat with him is disgusting nd emotionally harmful to your daughter.


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> In your state, can the children decide which parent they want to live with once they are 12?


14 is the age here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> He quoted me a story from the old testament of a man who's wife prostituted herself and he went and got her and showed her love and kindness, she went and did it again and he went and got her again and showed her love and kindness and won her back he then pointed out that when/if my wife ends the affair and comes out of her depression, would she consider returning to someone that was kind to her or someone that attacked her and made her life hell?


Osk, your "faith based" counselor doesn't know sh!t about the Bible and he doesn't know sh!t about adultery. The story he mangled for you, the Book of Hosea, was the story of the PROPHET Hosea. A prophet in Israel was a guy who YHWH (that would be God) spoke to directly. Hosea, being an adult Israelite man, already had a wife or two when he was commanded by YHWH to marry a particular wh0re named Gomer. Hosea was instructed to clean her up and try to make her behave. He went and got her out of wh0rehouses a couple of times, IIRC. Then YHWH had Hosea show that this was done to demonstrate God's relationship with Israel (the 10 northern tribes) who continual went after the false gods of her neighbors. Hosea's ordeal was commanded by God for a very specific purpose; to demonstrate God's love and offer of forgiveness to Israel. It was an object lesson to call Israel back to God.

Now that you know the purpose of the book, you might be asking yourself, "so how did that work out for God and Israel?"
Other books of the Bible tell us that Israel continued to "wh0re" after the false gods and never returned to YHWH. God had Israel destroyed and her people scattered and absorbed by those around them. Today we call them the Ten Lost Tribes. God said in Jeremiah 3:8, I have given a bill of divorcement to Israel.

Now, unless you have been specifically verbally ordered by Almighty God his own self to marry a known prostitute to illustrate God's love for the Ten Lost Tribes, this story has absolutely nothing to do with you.

However, the Bible does have some relevant scripture on adultery that does apply to everyone:
Lev 20:10 - "If a man commits adultery with another man's wife, the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death."

Get rid of the "faith based" counselor, he's incompetent on all fronts and is working for the First Church of Feminism.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Osk, your "faith based" counselor doesn't know sh!t about the Bible and he doesn't know sh!t about adultery. The story he mangled for you, the Book of Hosea, was the story of the PROPHET Hosea. A prophet in Israel was a guy who YHWH (that would be God) spoke to directly. Hosea, being an adult Israelite man, already had a wife or two when he was commanded by YHWH to marry a particular wh0re named Gomer. Hosea was instructed to clean her up and try to make her behave. He went and got her out of wh0rehouses a couple of times, IIRC. Then YHWH had Hosea show that this was done to demonstrate God's relationship with Israel (the 10 northern tribes) who continual went after the false gods of her neighbors. Hosea's ordeal was commanded by God for a very specific purpose; to demonstrate God's love and offer of forgiveness to Israel. It was an object lesson to call Israel back to God.
> 
> Now that you know the purpose of the book, you might be asking yourself, "so how did that work out for God and Israel?"
> Other books of the Bible tell us that Israel continued to "wh0re" after the false gods and never returned to YHWH. God had Israel destroyed and her people scattered and absorbed by those around them. Today we call them the Ten Lost Tribes. God said in Jeremiah 3:8, I have given a bill of divorcement to Israel.
> ...


Simply awesome.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Osk, your "faith based" counselor doesn't know sh!t about the Bible and he doesn't know sh!t about adultery. The story he mangled for you, the Book of Hosea, was the story of the PROPHET Hosea. A prophet in Israel was a guy who YHWH (that would be God) spoke to directly. Hosea, being an adult Israelite man, already had a wife or two when he was commanded by YHWH to marry a particular wh0re named Gomer. Hosea was instructed to clean her up and try to make her behave. He went and got her out of wh0rehouses a couple of times, IIRC. Then YHWH had Hosea show that this was done to demonstrate God's relationship with Israel (the 10 northern tribes) who continual went after the false gods of her neighbors. Hosea's ordeal was commanded by God for a very specific purpose; to demonstrate God's love and offer of forgiveness to Israel. It was an object lesson to call Israel back to God.
> 
> Now that you know the purpose of the book, you might be asking yourself, "so how did that work out for God and Israel?"
> Other books of the Bible tell us that Israel continued to "wh0re" after the false gods and never returned to YHWH. God had Israel destroyed and her people scattered and absorbed by those around them. Today we call them the Ten Lost Tribes. God said in Jeremiah 3:8, I have given a bill of divorcement to Israel.
> ...


Outstanding post!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Osk, print this post of Mach's, hand it to your "counselor" and see what he has to say about it. Don't clean it up because of profanity. Show it to him as it is. Hell, have him sign up and respond himself here with us.

Would love to hear his thoughts.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> I did make a steel bed for her as I own a welding a fab shop and didn't want her to take ours.


WTF?

You made a bed for your wife and her lover?

Somewhere John Wayne is turning over in his grave at the wussification of his once great country.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> WTF?
> 
> You made a bed for your wife and her lover?
> 
> Somewhere John Wayne is turning over in his grave at the wussification of his once great country.


And I thought I've had seen it all. :slap:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Yeah cost me about $50 in materials. If I had to buy her one in a settlement it would be much more than that!


It could've been free but the price that you paid for it is loss of self-respect. Who the hell makes a bed for his wife to sleep and enjoy with her new lover?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> When I bring this up to my daughter she says that mom tells her that we are already divorced it just is a matter of paperwork so it's not adultery! I know she can spin with the best of them and if I push it my daughter gets mad and tells me to move on!


Your daughter gives great advice!

Just make sure your next woman does not suffer from depression or is a cheater.

Then you will know what happiness and a great marriage is really like.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> When and how and for how long did your wife train your daughter to disrespect you?


Matt, my experience is that WE train others on how to disrespect us.


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## ballofemotion (Jan 4, 2013)

Sorry to here about your story but I think that your best bet us to simply focus on protecting your kids and let your wife get what she wants.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

ballofemotion said:


> Sorry to here about your story but I think that your best bet us to simply focus on protecting your kids and let your wife get what she wants.


And deserves.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Where's Chumplady when we need her?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

oskmoninosk STOP.. 

All systems full stop. 
Emergency stop.
Hit the red button.
Slam that baby into reverse.

But just stop...

Okay. I was married for 25 years. I have two children and I could be you.
You need to LISTEN to what you are being told. 

I do know that this is incredibly difficult to believe but that person that you loved so long and so hard no longer loves you.

She no longer loves you.

I am so sorry. Really I know the pain. I know the disbelief. I know the "she is sick" I know "It is temporary". 

It is because you spent the best part of your life with this woman and she has just told you that all the work you put into the relationship, all the effort, all the love is worth nothing. Nothing at all. The "us" was worth nothing either..

I too woke up at 4am for months, it wasn't depression. It was raw unadulterated pain like i have never felt before. It goes on a long time. It is unbearable and there are very few people who are going to understand the end of such a long relationship.

Advice?
Look above and here is some more.
1. You can not make someone love you.
2. You can not fix this person. I guess you have become used to it. I did
3. You need to look after yourself. NOW.

Right now I would strongly advice you to get on anti-depressants AND get into IC with a qualified non-religious therapist. You are going to have to face some very hard facts about yourself and make some changes in you, for you and for your children.

The OM is your enemy. 
Your wife will lie straight to your face. Over and over again
She is not your friend and you need to put her on the outer.

Here is the number one thing you have to do. Starting today. Now.

You have to protect your kids. You have to STAND UP and you have to re-direct the formidable relationship skills it took you to hod it together at protecting your kids. Forget money. Forget being nice. Forget your wife. 
FOCUS.. ON YOUR KIDS.

For now avoid your wife as much as possible. Do not engage with her at all. Do not love her. Do not allow her to play this stupid game..

Read this entire site..
The Humiliating Dance of


I am so sorry.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

^^^This.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP,

Your story is tragic and my heart goes out to you. The woman you knew as your wife is gone and I obviously cannot say for sure but something tells me this fog is never going to lift.

While I appreciate you wanting her back you must start living life for yourself, your son and your daughter. I believe in the 180 although I do not believe it is the end all in every case but for you it is time to become a disciple. If she comes back great but I seriously do not think it is going to happen. Press forward and do not look back.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Oh, and don't feel bad about yourself for doing all this stuff. I got here earlier than you in the breakdown and I Still did dumb ass stuff. I know exactly WHY you made the bed. You were doing what you always do. You were solving a problem.

Your daughter is asking you for help with the comments. You need to turn this around now. I imagine you are probably pretty Alpha in the outside world. 

PROTECT HER from their Mother right now. In time [ a year, two] she will see herself. Let me tell you they are going to NEED your protection in the next six months particualrly 
She is NOT putting thier needs first.
She has betrayed them as well as you and they know this. You can not tacitly approve.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Any good marraige counselor will tell you that if there is depression present that it must be addressed before anything else can take place.


You are using this illogically.

That means seeing a physician for proper prescription treatment before having affairs, getting divorced, or making other major changes in her life.

You are using it to excuse being a doormat while she receives no medical treatment and instead goes about with the affair, the divorce, and whatever other stupid life-altering decisions she has made. Amongst those are adultery and training her 12 year old daughter to be promiscuous and rationalize her way through it. 

You seem to value being a doormat insofar as teaching your children but the lesson they are learning is perverted. They have the mother teaching promiscuity and abuse while the father is teaching "doormat". 

Your daughter has lost respect for you and is acting just like the wife. The wife has no consequences so the daughter is looking at that saying "yeah, I get it - Mom is getting literally screwed and Dad is getting figuratively screwed so Mom is the winner big time here and Dad is a chump."

If mom was getting her butt kicked with reality the daughter would be looking at the mother as someone who made really bad decisions and the daughter would choose not to model her own behaviour after her. Instead the daugher sees life as having your cake and eating it too. And she won't be so lucky in running into doormats that put up with infidelity. This is one of the top reasons for murder. Let her go ahead and leave a trail of men she cheats on and see how her life works out. 

180 180 180. One-eight-zero. Earth to *Oskmonimosk*: avert the Iceburg. One hundred eighty degrees about face.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your counsellor is terrible. The affair has to be killed before anything can happen. All wives who cheat did it because they were depressed.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

After the divorce is final, go back over this thread and write out the different opinions about your wife's counselor. Is everyone wrong?

This guy isn't qualified to water a cactus plant much less counsel humans.

Why does your wife need an "introduction" to a physcian in two weeks? This guy is a pompus asss. Dig a little bit into this guys past. Don't fall for the certificates on his wall. Anyone can get anything printed.

My guess is that he is a fake. Write a letter of concern to the "investigative" team on your local TV stations. Have them verify the ligitimacy of this clown.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

According to 2011 statistics, 1 in 4 adult women in the U.S. takes anti-depressant medications.

Man, life in the US must be tough for women. :scratchhead:

I've always held to the theory that "depression" is a convenient luxury of our society. You don't see depressed people in third-world countries or native societies. Those folks are too busy trying to* survive*...who has the luxury of being depressed?

Today, anti-depressants are prescribed like candy. Walk into the doc's office, tell him you are feeling blue or apathetic, and bingo! "here take this pill, you'll feel maaahhhvelous". 

Anti-depressants are a legal "high" and interfere with normal Dopamine and Oxytocin releases. 

Get off the anti-depressants and start living life! Let your body normalize. Yes, there are sad events in life. That doesn't mean you need an artificial high to get through it.

And stop blaming your so-called depression for your poor and immoral decisions.

Ok, I'm done ranting


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

So you're sort of hoping that her depression goes away and her mind clears and she gives up the affair and comes back to you before the divorce is final?

What if the divorce becomes final and she's still depressed and is still having an affair?

How long are you willing to wait for her to come around?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> So you're sort of hoping that her depression goes away and her mind clears and she gives up the affair and comes back to you before the divorce is final?
> 
> What if the divorce becomes final and she's still depressed and is still having an affair?
> 
> How long are you willing to wait for her to come around?


Unless you've lived with someone with serious depression, you cannot fully understand the effect it has on their ability to think and reason like normal individuals. My wife has suffered with depression for most of her life and has been on meds for 20 years, but my regret is that we didn't understand that therapy or counseling is the real key to helping her. I don't believe that depressionis the sole cause of her affair, but I do believe that because of her depression it distorted her view of our marriage and of me and made it easier for her to reason the guilt out of her affair. 
My main goal now is to encourage her to continue counseling and therapy and for her to get well. I'm doing this, not for me, but for my kids, and my wifes family, whom I also love and have loved for 22 years. 
Now to answer your question. If she gets better and realizes her mistakes and wants to come back, I'll have to see where I am at that point and time. These last 3 months have been Hell and I'm not sure I can do another 3 months.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> My main goal now is to encourage her to continue counseling and therapy and for her to get well. I'm doing this, not for me, but for my kids, and my wifes family, whom I also love and have loved for 22 years.
> Now to answer your question. If she gets better and realizes her mistakes and wants to come back, I'll have to see where I am at that point and time. These last 3 months have been Hell and I'm not sure I can do another 3 months.


Spoken like an honest man that truly loves his wife.

Do not let her destroy you though.

HM64


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Unless you've lived with someone with serious depression, *you cannot fully understand the effect it has on their ability to think and reason like normal individuals*. My wife has suffered with depression for most of her life and has been on meds for 20 years, but my regret is that we didn't understand that therapy or counseling is the real key to helping her. *I don't believe that depressionis the sole cause of her affair, but I do believe that because of her depression it distorted her view of our marriage and of me and made it easier for her to reason the guilt out of her affair.*
> My main goal now is to encourage her to continue counseling and therapy and for her to get well. I'm doing this, not for me, but for my kids, and my wifes family, whom I also love and have loved for 22 years.
> Now to answer your question. If she gets better and realizes her mistakes and wants to come back, I'll have to see where I am at that point and time. These last 3 months have been Hell and I'm not sure I can do another 3 months.


Your wife's affair and the way she has demonized you is not at all unique or unusual. Almost every cheater "rewrites the marital history" to justify and rationalize their affairs.

If her ability to think and reason like a normal individual is so impaired, how does she function so well in her life? Teaches children? Takes care of your children without supervision? How "impaired" could her ability to think and reason be? Or does the impairment only extend to you and the affair, not to ANY OTHER PART OF HER LIFE? Would not depression that impairs her so greatly that she cannot make any rational decisions regarding you and your marriage also not impair her ability to make rational decisions in her job as a teacher or in her role as a parent?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

Let me add here boys and girls. I appreciate all of the advice I've gotten so far on here, I really do, and the last few months I have put on a brave face around my soon to be ex. I don't beg, or even talk about the situation, we mostly talk about the kids, be it driving them to and from practices, or school matters. The 180 is now in full effect
That being said, one thing I don't appreciate on here is being belittled or being called names. The first thing you learn in communication skills 101 is to not point the finger at the person you are trying to change but to point out what needs to be changed. Pointing at them directly builds a wall of defense and defeats the purpose of the whole discussion.
Thanks!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Or could it be that she knows she can't get away with such selfish behavior with everyone else in her life, her co-workers and bosses, people she meets in the grocery store, only with you?


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## oskmoninosk (Jan 1, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Your wife's affair and the way she has demonized you is not at all unique or unusual. Almost every cheater "rewrites the marital history" to justify and rationalize their affairs.
> 
> If her ability to think and reason like a normal individual is so impaired, how does she function so well in her life? Teaches children? Takes care of your children without supervision? How "impaired" could her ability to think and reason be? Or does the impairment only extend to you and the affair, not to ANY OTHER PART OF HER LIFE? Would not depression that impairs her so greatly that she cannot make any rational decisions regarding you and your marriage also not impair her ability to make rational decisions in her job as a teacher or in her role as a parent?


She teaches special education which makes it a bit easier on the mental side, but harder on the physical side. Part of her depression is her lack of ability to focus and for her to draw lesson plans takes her much longer than normal and she has to really keep telling herself to focus. The first few years she spent several extra hours at home with her leasson plans, but now since she has a file of them she can use those. It also made it hard for her to help around the house because she would be drained after work and would go to bed at 6 or 7, because of this I took it upon myself to take on the laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc... Not always but a lot of time I did the extra work. This summer I pretty much took care of the kids and the house myself, but I did it because I knew that the condition of her father was really weighing on her. I didn't think much of it because the extra weight wasn't something I couldn't bear.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

OSk- you clearly have a lot of care and empathy for your wife. I think this has been part of your undoing. She takes you for granted and doesn't value you, because you are always there for her. 

Even now you defend her, and cite examples of why her behavior isn't her fault.

But that is where you've lost your way. See, it is very much her choice that she is making to cheat on you. She chose to get too close to that guy. She chose to accept his advances. She chose to betray her vows. And now she cruelly chooses to flaunt her affair and lover in your face and your children's lives.

It is really her that is choosing the horrible cruel things she has done. Yes, her mind set is influencing her. Our minds influence all of us. The thing is your seeing this as aberration from the normal her and that it will change. The thing is, it is her, and she is really making these hurtful choices.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Sorry if you already posted this, but how involved are you with her treatment? The divorce will be final in two months, in her mind she was divorced the day she separated from you and filed. So she is comfortable with you talking to her therapist? Who is in charge of her care?

The way you post about her "severe" depression impairing her ability to make rational decisions contradicts that she holds down a job, manages a household all by herself, including kids when she has them, and balances divorce proceedings and a new significant other to boot. I don't know if I could handle that on my own, and I am not even slightly depressed. Do you not see how this looks from out here? To say that no one can understand unless you've been through it is a bit of a cop out. By that standard, no one can understand anything or have an opinion on anything unless they've been through it.

I don't understand this whole dynamic of your current relationship with her. She cheated while you took care of the home front. She filed. You helped her move out. You are somehow involved in the decision-making or at least in a position where her therapist confides with you about what is best for her. Now you just started to detach and only are going to talk to her about the divorce or the kids (that is the 180). Can you explain this?

I also don't understand why the therapist has to "fix her" enough to see a psychiatrist. Has she considered getting a second opinion?

You gave an example: She was on your insurance plan for 19 years, then she got insurance through her teaching job. This is the case for many married couples who both work, they get the insurance through whichever provides the most value for the least cost. She tells her therapist she feels you let her down by not providing her with insurance all these years. What does her therapist tell her about that? Or about similar illogical arguments and reasons? Does he just nod his head and tell her she's entitled to believe whatever illogical statements she makes or does he try to guide her back to reality?


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Osh, someone linked you over to my site Chump Lady -- yes, please come over and have a read.

Depression isn't your wife's problem, ENTITLEMENT is. 



> Through the last 20 years she has a distorted view of the way I treated her, which is completely different from reality. She feels I didn't care for her the way she needed and didn't make her feel safe. She also said that she had to provide the health insurance which is one of the reasons she didn't feel safe. She got health insurance through her teaching job the last 3 years. I provided the heath insurance for the last 19!! That's just one example of many distorted views she has in her depressed mind.


Affairs are like addiction, and yeah that's co-morbid with depression, but for addicts to recover, they do things like 12 step and take moral inventories, and chuck the poor me thinking and the selfishness. In short, they TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for their actions.

You keep pointing to the depression. Okay, it exists. I believe you. Her neurotransmitters are whack. That doesn't excuse her behavior. She is still responsible to you, her children, her commitments. It sounds like she's still working. She isn't fainting on a sofa going "Oh woe! Depression is preventing me from grading papers today!" No, she does her job because she NEEDS her job. Something in it for her.

Same with the OM. Wow, she's there for him. Organizes little play house get togethers with the kiddos. She can be present when she CHOOSES to be present.

She's abandoned her life with you and the kids. I'm sorry. It sucks donkey balls. It's wrong. It is unjust. And you don't deserve it. But it is the reality of it. You need to PROTECT yourself. Lawyer up, get that custody, keep the loser OM away from your kids as long as you legally can (at some point it may be inevitable). Get the kids therapy. Get you therapy.

Oh, and that marriage counselor? Total effing quack. Get a better one. They're out there. This isn't your fault. Find someone who won't let her use mental illness as an excuse. I was married (and divorced from) someone once who was genuinely mentally ill. I didn't divorce him because of the illness. I divorced him because he refuses to treat it. Repeatedly. Wouldn't take responsibility for it. Chose it and indulging his illness over his wife and child. 

I felt quite a bit of guilt about that. Oh, sickness and in health. He's sick, I need to help him. You can't help people who won't help themselves. You just can't. She is not invested in being better.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> He quoted me a story from the old testament of a man who's wife prostituted herself and he went and got her and showed her love and kindness, she went and did it again and he went and got her again and showed her love and kindness and won her back he then pointed out that when/if my wife ends the affair and comes out of her depression, would she consider returning to someone that was kind to her or someone that attacked her and made her life hell?


You appear to be talking about the minor prophet Hosea. However, what he did not tell you is that the book is a metaphorical story about the relationship of God and the Northern Kingdom of Israel after the split with Judea. 

Hosea was directed by God to marry a promiscuous woman of ill-repute, and he did so. Marriage here is symbolic of the covenantal relationship between God and Israel. However, Israel has been unfaithful to God by following other gods and breaking the commandments which are the terms of the covenant, hence Israel is symbolized by a harlot who violates the obligations of marriage to her husband.

If he would have gone on two chapter two Hosea actually divorces his wife Gomer. Later Hosea seeks out Gomer, who sold herself into slavery. Hosea is a model of God. Just as Hosea had to literally buy his own wife from the slave trader, God had to buy His own children back with the blood of His Son.

Hosea is a wonderful story of hope, but the true story is WE who are sinners are Gomer, whom God loved enough to forgive us of our sins. Because the story is metaphorical, there is not the normal ending of Gomer, but we have to assume that she repented of her sin to her husband. Same is true with you that your wife needs to be contrite before reconciliation can even be considered.

I agree that you need to be understanding of her condition, but that needs to be tempered with honesty to her, your children and yourself. The affair is straight up selfish behavior and while depression may have affected the situation, the continuance is an excuse for bad behavior. Lastly I think that you need to start being honest with yourself and get your life together, instead of receiving the crumbs she begrudgingly doles out to you.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> The first thing you learn in communication skills 101 is to not point the finger at the person you are trying to change but to point out what needs to be changed. Pointing at them directly builds a wall of defense and defeats the purpose of the whole discussion.
> Thanks!


Rubbish. You ignored everyone with the same advice whether they were brutally frank or overly diplomatic. You've rationalized with a quote-mined Biblical passage that was taken out of context, and when the full context was shown to you it was ignored. So this is clearly selective attention to that which you want to hear. 

Hypocritical too, for calling people stupid: "the first thing you learn in communication skills 101"... etc. Translation: "I'm not listening to you because you're stupid." Calling people boys and girls in general too is belittling so this whole post reeks with hypocrisy. You're the elder lecturing the children? Hardly. 

At the same time you are telling us that the 180 is in effect, except it seems to be the version where doormatting is integral to it. 

You didn't answer *Sharkeey*'s question. You evaded it with the martyr routine - I'm doing it for her, I'm doing it for the kids, I'm doing it for her family... when the question pertained to the vain hope that she will come back to you by being a doormat. 

I wasn't born yesterday, notwithstanding you calling me stupid. You are still hoping that by being the martyr she will come back to you. That has been your stubborn theme from the beginning and since it is the opposite of the advice everyone is trying to pound into you then it is being camoflaged under the martyr routine without the rest of the logic that "Martyrs win wayward spouses back." That's probably the most unifying theme across all stories here: that martyrs get their butt handed to them on a platter by cake-eaters. 

There are a lot of people looking on and they need to learn from this. They are going to see that the doormat isn't going to win the spouse back. It is also valuable for people understanding that depression is not an excuse for having an affair. It sure is a _rationalization_, just like so many other bogus excuses, and bending over backwards for them with that excuse doesn't win the spouse back. 

Being an enabler for cake-eating does nobody good. Saying you are enabling cake-eating for their sake is ridiculous. It is clearly the vain hope that they will return to you that is in operation here. For the sake of others in the same situation, this is a lesson in how being nice to the wayward spouse doesn't work.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I rarely write long posts anymore but this is so close to my own experience that I am going to go into some detail..

One of the things that is really hard to accept is that your situation is not unique. People act in predictable way. Their behavior is predictable. The things they are going to say and do are predicable. 

You wife has fallen in love with this man and no longer wants you in her life as a lover. She has been splitting up the feelings she had for you for some time. 

1. Husband
2. Friend
3. Lover
4. Father

Your role in her mind has progressively diminished. You are now just the "Father of the Children" 

This is no longer an affair. She has checked out of your marriage. The thing is you can not win her back simply because you represent so much failure in her life. It's her failures but you are responsible for them in her mind.

Over the last 25 years you had dreams together and inevitably some have failed to pan out. Anything you promised her 20 years ago and have not delivered is a failure in her eyes. 
The new man can sell her new dreams. You can not because you lived your life with her and anything you say about the future is a lie because you "lied" about your life together. She was always, and still, feels entitled to more.

She is not thinking logically and you can not "logic" someone out of this. She has been thinking about this for a while and having an affair for a while.

She has now acted on it and this makes her feel powerful. She has a job. She has health insurance. She a has new dreams and she has a new man and a house.

The children will move in with her full time and you will see them sometimes. Because you are such a nice guy you will be happy for her and APPROVE of her choices. You will visit and have nice chats about the old times, maybe even stay for dinner!


I'm sorry. But you need to see this. 

The woman you loved has gone. She went over the years. She went slowly .She went without telling you. She went, and left you standing in a wasteland. 

You are not alone there though. 

You have children and they are feeling the same devastation as you at the loss of their family, safety and security. Their minds have kicked into survival mode too. 

They need security and at the moment their Mother is promising them the happy family life that they so desperately want back. Kids will go to the place they feel safest. They are predictable too.

So.. I dropped all that on you. I dropped the terrible and heart destroying reality on you, as so many here are trying to do. 

We know the enormous pain you are in. As I write this I am tearing up because I know what is ahead for you. For your children and for your wife. I know this because I have lived it like so many before me. You are not unique. I am not unique. Your wife is not unique.

The 180 is not about your previous life. It is not about getting her back. That period in your life has gone and gone forever regardless of any outcome.

The 180 is about you about your boundaries, your wants and desires. It does not include your soon to be ex wife desires, wants, depressions or demands. 

It is about the next 25 years. It is incredibly hard to do especially when the last time you only thought of yourself was 25 years ago. You will do it though. Now or in 5 years time. But you will do it, so start now. For you. For your children 

So what to do right now.?

Let your children see that you are destroyed by this. Let them see that this is not okay. Say it out loud. .
It is time that you were emotionally honest. 
It is time that the facade is dropped. They would have seen your wife disconnect way before you. 

They need to see some honesty and see it now. Like the air we breath, this will be the thing that sustains them.
Stand up. 
Be the rock that they need . 

Act at all times with Integrity. 
Do not cover up or lie. 
Do not enable or excuse their Mothers poor behavior. 
Do not pretend it will all be okay.

Practically..
Clean up the house. This is your house and the kids house now. Get rid of all STBXW stuff.
Expunge her. 

You asked me in a PM how it worked out for me. It was a long and painful period which resulted in me Divorcing her. My children were damaged by this. I will never forgive her for the sense of entitlement that outweighed her children's financial and emotional security. 

I have a lovely GF and my eldest daughter now lives with me.
My youngest is 50/50 and we are doing fine.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

tremendous post, ing.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

ing,
"The voice of one crying in the wilderness"

Why do I feel yours also, will not be heard........


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Yes - great post Ing. It's so tough to listen and fully accept advice like you gave. I know that I'm not there yet either.

I should print it out and tape it to my bathroom mirror. OP should do the same...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

KanDo said:


> ing,
> "The voice of one crying in the wilderness"
> 
> Why do I feel yours also, will not be heard........


there are none so blind...
there are none so deaf...


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

oskmoninosk said:


> Let me add here boys and girls. I appreciate all of the advice I've gotten so far on here, I really do, and the last few months I have put on a brave face around my soon to be ex. I don't beg, or even talk about the situation, we mostly talk about the kids, be it driving them to and from practices, or school matters. The 180 is now in full effect
> That being said, one thing I don't appreciate on here is being belittled or being called names. The first thing you learn in communication skills 101 is to not point the finger at the person you are trying to change but to point out what needs to be changed. Pointing at them directly builds a wall of defense and defeats the purpose of the whole discussion.
> Thanks!


Dear oskmoninosk,

Your adulterous wife has torn your family apart and you say that your are torn up about it.

Yet, you reject all of the advice you receive and complain that people are not respecting you. You continually justify your wife's infidelity as a consequence of her depression and defend her counselor's advice that you wait this out, in spite of the fact that all the posters, people who have personal experience with these matters, are telling you something else. You talk about being religious but nothing in Christian doctrine or the Bible requires a husband to stand by and do nothing while his wife engages in adulterous behavior. You seem already to have made up your mind about what you plan to do (_"My only option is to wait and see if she comes around."_ / _"All I can do now is be supportive of my kids . . ."_).

You said in your original post, _"I guess I'm not looking for any answers, just wanted to put it out there for maybe someone else who has gone through this or is going through this."_ I guess that explains things: you really don't want any advice, you just want to vent. That's OK but it is a shame, because your marriage appears doomed and the responders to your thread have a wealth of experience and knowledge concerning how you might possibly save it.

You strike me as a very rigid and stubborn person, but also as a fatalist. Those aren't good qualities in a person whose life is a mess and who needs help, as yours clearly is and you clearly do. I suggest you at least consider the possibility that (1) what people here are telling you could be of value to you and (2) that you still have the ability to affect the outcome of your situation. Otherwise, there is really nothing else to say to you other than good luck, I hope things work out for you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I believe I read your story in another site, oskmoninosk.
What's the new development which made you come here?
I asume you are taking care of her new house while the divorce is finalizing is not.
I assume is she finnaly admited she was depressed and asked your help to go to IC. You are tring to interpret it as a sign of hope. A necessary milestone of her way back.
I'm very sad for you. She just want to cope with the ongoing destruction of the family but she won't stop it at all. She just wants your "approval" as she realized things won't be as she planned without your cooperation condoning it. It's not different than introducing OM to mutual friends or to DD. Another step in her plans.

There's no hope. She's gone. She wants you accept it. You should for you own sake. Don't allow yourself to remain enslaved, addicted to hope.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

As long as she knows she has you to fall back on, there is no reason to change. Time to save yourself. The failure rate is very high for relationships out of affairs. She is getting help, it is time you get some.

Get your life together and move on. The train not only left the station, it has arrived at it's destination. Time to rebuild your life. Get help to do so.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

We all try and excuse our partners, we all want to blame the other person. We are all desperate to find out why? 
Sometimes, there is no why sometimes it just is. 

If you had asked me 4 years ago if we my ExW and I would ever split up I would have said no. She would have agreed, we used to think we were lucky, we used to congratulate ourselves on being soul mates. 
Even now my ExW thinks we are soul mates.I was crushed by her choosing another man after 25 years. Just for sex. That stings.

I think that those of use who have had only one significant relationship tend to think this way. I have a GF. I met her only two months after Dday in effort to reduce the pain. It helped to see people who liked me. We just had our second New Year together 

My GF has had two previous marriages. Both times cheated on and dumped. The first time it took her over two years to recover from. The second time she saw the signs, she organised counseling, she turned a blind eye for the kids. Then one day he said he was not happy and she said. "Okay" packed up and left with her kid. Divorced soon after then met me . Started again.

The reason I tell you this is because us lifers tend to suffer from "you_are_the_one" and it simply is not true. Sure it's different. Sure it is hard sometimes and then, starting again seems so hard, but there are bonuses and people are so wonderfully different. So wonderfully well, wonderful. 

I will never trust a person like I did. Never invest so much in a person and never try so damn hard to hold things together again. It is more about me now. You have to get there too, look at what you want for you and your kids. Look at their interests and enable them. Be reliable because I am damn sure their Mother won't be at the moment. She will have guilt and grief to deal with that will make your pain look like a walk in the park. It is not your job to save her from that. It is entirely her choice. 

You have to rebuild and there is no time like the present is there! 

I know you are in terrible pain but it will reduce , bit by bit. Slowly and without you noticing but one day you will laugh with a woman that values you, for you, as you are now.
Please don't waste as much time as I did trying to change someones mind. 
She does not love you and treats you like crap. 

What happens if you did get together again and in five years you got sick. Would she stay? For better or for worse? 
Will you ever trust her even if she was sorry and wanted to come back?
It is a question only you can answer but one to think about and one that may set you on the fast road to recovery. TAM can help you there. Most guys are still shuffling around in their pajamas at 5 years. Don't do it.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

First sorry you are here!

I understand that you did not come here looking for answers, you already knew whats going on and what you are doing. But let me tell you this forum is full of people with personal experiences and great knowledge which will work for anyone regardless of race and religious beliefs. 

I feel that your own depression is preventing you from thinking straight in this matter. I have once been depressed and that is never an excuse to cheat. I seriously have no comments on that counselor of yours, he is simply unbelievable, wonder where did he study. 

IMHO, you should really show her that you'll do great without her to snap her out of her depression. You seem like a very very nice guy any cheating wife will love to have. No matter how nice you are, you still need to take care of yourself and teach your kids to take care of themselves. I'm very shocked that she has not been on medication first thing with such severe depression. Really sorry for your situation.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

First sorry you are here!

I understand that you did not come here looking for answers, you already knew whats going on and what you are doing. But let me tell you this forum is full of people with personal experiences and great knowledge which will work for anyone regardless of race and religious beliefs. 

I feel that your own depression is preventing you from thinking straight in this matter. I have once been depressed and that is never an excuse to cheat. I seriously have no comments on that counselor of yours, he is simply unbelievable, wonder where did he study. 

IMHO, you should really show her that you'll do great without her to snap her out of her depression. You seem like a very very nice guy any cheating wife will love to have. No matter how nice you are, you still need to take care of yourself and teach your kids to take care of themselves. I'm very shocked that she has not been on medication first thing with such severe depression. Really sorry for your situation.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

I'm pretty sure Osk has left the building, folks.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> I'm pretty sure Osk has left the building, folks.


I knew I shouldn't have commented on the bed.

Osk, if you're still lurking let me leave you with this bit of advice: NEVER PUT ALL YOUR TRUST IN SO-CALLED PROFESSIONALS.

A lot of them are at best incompetent, or at worst quacks.

Good luck!


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