# Please help, im desperate.



## MuckyMuck (Feb 12, 2009)

Please excuse the wall of text

Hey guys, I've never posted here but I'm frantic and really need some advice. 

My wife and I have been separated for going on the 3rd week now, we've tried going on dates and hanging out but there doesn't seem to be any connection there anymore. She tells me that she just _isn't in love with me anymore_, but i don't understand this because we've only been married for a year, though we dated for several years. 

I know it may seem like it wasn't long enough to really be so distressed about it, but we've been through so much in the years we've been together and I don't want to give up on her. 

Our problem is, she hangs out with a lot of guys, and I've always trusted her, that was until after we got married and she told me she had an affair once and that she regretted it and never talked to the guy again. I decided to put it behind us and move on and take this as a learning experience. 

Then it started again, she started making friends and they were guys, this made me very insecure and I became somewhat distant because I didn't like the idea of her hanging out with guys while I was at work and so on. This eventually led her to ask for a separation, and now she's telling me that she just isn't in love anymore but if she could somehow fall back in love with me then she would happily come back.

And this is where my problem begins, I don't know what to do. I want so much to be with her, no matter what, but I would like her to not hang out with so many guys and everyone around me is telling me that all I doing is setting my self up for destruction. I've even broken down to the point where I'm willing to do marriage counseling but I don't know if it's even worth it because she has already told me she isn't going to give up her friends who are all males which I'm not comfortable with.

I can't fathom the idea of her not being in my life, but I need some help to decide whether it is a lost cause or not. My friends are all biased towards me, as well her's are biased towards her. 

Please, any advice, I'm not really sure at this point what I should do.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

after one year of marriage? don't see that often, but maybe her feelings for a need for "space" are manifesting themselves early in your marriage, which isn't necessarily bad.

start a conversation. something like "i feel like i must not be fulfilling a need of yours. what could i be doing better?" and just listen!!!!


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## MuckyMuck (Feb 12, 2009)

I thought that I should add that due to the insecurity I became more controlling, though it was almost as if we switched positions in our relationship. 

What I mean by that is in the earlier days of our relationship and marriage, she was much more in control of everything (She even proposed to me, because I told her I couldn't do it until I could afford to give her the wedding she deserved), her need to be in control was often causing tension between us, then after she came clean and told me about cheating on me it changed and I seemed to be the one in control and maybe that's what pushed her away. 

All I want is for things to be back the way they were, I'd even let her wear the pants. Now I really feel like I'm just writing a journal but it's nice to be able to share my feelings.


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## MuckyMuck (Feb 12, 2009)

voivod said:


> after one year of marriage? don't see that often, but maybe her feelings for a need for "space" are manifesting themselves early in your marriage, which isn't necessarily bad.
> 
> start a conversation. something like "i feel like i must not be fulfilling a need of yours. what could i be doing better?" and just listen!!!!


Believe me, I know it seems to early and she does keep saying that she needs her space. Its hard to just give her that space because when we met she was an alcoholic, she stopped taking her bi-polar medicine and got arrested several times before being put on probation for a few years and loosing her license. I felt like her savior because I helped her stop drinking and she straightened out her life. 

Recently however, she got her licensed back and suddenly she needs her space. And we still talk, and she is falling back into those habits, she is drinking heavily every night and is no longer taking her medicine. It kills me to see her doing this self, but she wont let me back in to help.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

amen about the controlling due to insecurity part! been there, done that. it's not terribly attractive either, by the way.

control is something that my wife had, all the way to the marriage proposal thing. i'll never forget that day, when she dropped to a knee and asked me to marry her.

now, you'd trade it all to feel that feeling. but you probably weren't mature enough then to appreciate it, huh?

yeah, maybe your knowledge of the affair was more control than she could give up.

there was an episode of "house" where the female character that house was pursuing broke up with him. she made a statement something like "it's the only thing i have control of in this relationship." sad, but true. sometime they feel that way.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MuckyMuck said:


> Believe me, I know it seems to early and she does keep saying that she needs her space. Its hard to just give her that space because when we met she was an alcoholic, she stopped taking her bi-polar medicine and got arrested several times before being put on probation for a few years and loosing her license. I felt like her savior because I helped her stop drinking and she straightened out her life.
> 
> Recently however, she got her licensed back and suddenly she needs her space. And we still talk, and she is falling back into those habits, she is drinking heavily every night and is no longer taking her medicine. It kills me to see her doing this self, but she wont let me back in to help.


a bi-polar stopping their meds is bad bad bad from what i understand. check with your medical professional, but i think you may be headed for a brick wall at 100 mph.


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## MuckyMuck (Feb 12, 2009)

voivod said:


> a bi-polar stopping their meds is bad bad bad from what i understand. check with your medical professional, but i think you may be headed for a brick wall at 100 mph.


Should I jump ship or is it worth continuing? I try to tell her to slow down on the drinking and to take her meds, but she tells me to stop parenting her. I cant stand to see her like this, but i feel so helpless because she would never do that. She tells me she will, but it's just not going to happen.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MuckyMuck said:


> Should I jump ship or is it worth continuing? I try to tell her to slow down on the drinking and to take her meds, but she tells me to stop parenting her. I cant stand to see her like this, but i feel so helpless because she would never do that. She tells me she will, but it's just not going to happen.


jump ship???? no, you're her support system. you married for "richer or poorer, sickness and health..." hey buddy, she's sick, but you might get sick too. the "c" word that i hate (no not that one!) _codependent_.

careful. but i think it's an admirable trait to be the caretaker. it will tire you out though. so take care of yourself!


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## MuckyMuck (Feb 12, 2009)

voivod said:


> jump ship???? no, you're her support system. you married for "richer or poorer, sickness and health..." hey buddy, she's sick, but you might get sick too. the "c" word that i hate (no not that one!) _codependent_.
> 
> careful. but i think it's an admirable trait to be the caretaker. it will tire you out though. so take care of yourself!


You have no idea how much you are helping me, I literally don't have anyone but her in my life. She doesn't want to talk to me about how i'm feeling, because I tend to get depressed and she doesn't like me trying to bring her down, which I completely understand because I dont want to lay any guilt on her and push her away further. 

You're right though, I could never really leave her, I worry about her too much and it's hard not having her around anymore. She's the companion I need and the friend I've never had. 

My depression was getting the worst of me but now i'm nearly in tears thinking of the good times we've had.

*Edit* Do you think suggesting counseling for the both of us would be a good idea?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

MuckyMuck said:


> You have no idea how much you are helping me, I literally don't have anyone but her in my life. She doesn't want to talk to me about how i'm feeling, because I tend to get depressed and she doesn't like me trying to bring her down, which I completely understand because I dont want to lay any guilt on her and push her away further.
> 
> You're right though, I could never really leave her, I worry about her too much and it's hard not having her around anymore. She's the companion I need and the friend I've never had.
> 
> My depression was getting the worst of me but now i'm nearly in tears thinking of the good times we've had.


you have a lot of love for her, my friend, i'm sure of that because reading what you write reminds me of myself. i am dead-on convinced that the girl i married is a freaking angel. the heaven kind. 

your love will carry you far, if you want to work it. give space, but don't become a doormat. guys like us run that risk. reciprocate friendliness. rebuild a friendship. don't overwhelm her with attention, because that'll feel to her like _pressure_. be careful. 

enjoy the time you spend with her, but be aware that she needs time by herself, alone or with others. there's nothing wrong with her having other friends.

let go a little. control *NO*. freedom *YES*. support her in anything she chooses to do, as long as it's not destructive. please google bi-polar off medication. it'll give you an idea what doctors thing about bi-polar who stops meds. a high incidence of suicide, for one.

good luck man, we're here if you need anything.

edit--counseling? individual, for both if possible. i think you, frankly, could be helped by some good one-on-one. no offense. i just see me in you.


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## MuckyMuck (Feb 12, 2009)

Thanks for everything, you've helped me so much and restored my hope. Though, I think I'm going to try to stop calling her. I'd like to give her some space, and after reading other threads it will give her the opportunity to miss me. Though, I'm still really afraid for her to be off her medicine when after I've moved out and can't regulate her medication.


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