# Question about situation



## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi
I am hoping to get feedback on our situation. Married with 2 kids (8,7). I just graduated medical school. Throughout med school i have supported family financially through student loans, lines of credit and bursaries and scholarships. My wife has not had to cntribute to budget has a job partime when kids in school to have for herself - but often uses that money for the home. I am ok with this. Other than that she takes kids to activities, is taking a course and takes care of home.

I am starting residency in july and we have had the discusiion for years that once i am done school we will need additional money from her employment to make budget work. Residency pays but we will be alittle short. We have cut down to minimal expenses. Now fastforward to today and we are in a position where she doesnt know how she can provide a portion of the budget. We are talking 1000-1500 monthly. She signed up for a 2-year course in september so her time is even more limited. We knew this would be the situation, i raised the money convaersation frequently but it fees to me she wasnt listening. Now not sure what to do... She is asking what i want her to do? do i want her to quit school, etc... I feel i am forcing her to work when thats not the case we agreed to her returni g to workforce this year. Not sure what to do.

Part of me feels this attititude is her issue and not to be upset by it, but ultimately we need to pay bills and i am not sure how without her contribution. 

Thoughts would be appreciated


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did she sign up for a 2 year course when she knew she would have to work? Did you address this with her?


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

She is interested in the topic. I I also thought it was poor timing especially that there is now funding available for her school. It is only 2 days weekly. I didnt confront her as i also go to school and have been supported by her. The thing is my education has allowed me to provide for my family financially otherwise no way i vould do it. 
I feel now i am villainized for "making" her go to work although she has not stated it this way


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

*no funding available for her school


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You've been way to easy on her. She has to realize she has responsibilities in the marriage to. Not just you. The money they give you through residency is not meant to be able to provide for a family so it's definitely her responsibility to help out. She has to be prepared to do what she has to, quit school, quit fun things she did with her money...whatever it is. I think now that you've been so easy on her she thinks that if she complains you'll find a way to let her do what she wants. If she's not willing to do this I would let her know that there will be consequences such as divorce.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

based on what you've posted, I'd lay out 2 scenarios for her

1. she continues with her schooling and you reduce expenses to make up the shortfall. this may involve you moving to a cheaper place to live and giving up other comforts. It may be disruptive to the whole family. she will need to decide if her desire to not work and go to school instead is worth the cost.

2. she puts the schooling on hold and goes back to work as originally planned. tell her that once you are on firmer financial footing, you can explore her continuing her education and cutting back on work.

based on what you've described, it sounds like she is putting her head in the sand and wants to avoid the consequences of her dropping the financial ball. 

make sure she understands that if she insists on continuing in this direction, that she will own the results, which mean some increased sacrifice of the whole family.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What are you contributions in the home? 

I ask because we all know how demanding med school and residency is so I'm wondering if basically all of the household and kid responsibilities fall to her in addition to the work you're asking of her.

Just trying to get a sense of the balance here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

familyguyy said:


> *Throughout med school i have supported family financially through student loans, lines of credit and bursaries and scholarships. *


Why doesn't your wife do the same thing you did that you did while you were in medical school to support the family financial? She can apply for student loans, lines of credit, and scholarships and use the money to put herself through school as well as cover the 1,500 per month you need.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Thanks for reply! My contribution is all finances, i have generally been home by dinner and most weekends through med school, less in 3rd year, home more in 4th year. When home i do what anything that needs doing dinner, dishes, hang w kids, bath, bed etc... I manage finances, book keep, taxes etc... On weekends when home i stay home with kids so wife can work.

My wife though runs house day to day: kids up and to school, picks up, shops, takes them to activities (ballet, football). In the 6 hours they r in school she goes to work 3 days a week x 4 hrs, school 2 days x6 hours). When im not home in evening she does dinr baths bed etc... Thats basically our life.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

to be honest, sounds like she already has a pretty tough schedule. I got the impression she wasn't working outside of the home at all. but it seems she's already working part time, plus doing all of the mom duties.

on her school attendance, is the issue the cost of the education itself, or the fact that the education doesn't allow her to work more?

If it's the latter, then I'm not sure you are being totally fair. Add it up: she's got primary childcare duty for pretty young kids, plus already working part time. She does deserve a little bit of time for herself and if she wants to spend it taking classes (and you can afford it), that seems reasonable.

On the other hand, if you really cannot afford the classes, she should find another way to spend her free time until your finances improve. Or she should be willing to sacrifice some other stuff to free up cash for the classes.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

I am fortunate to have the time i have with my family given the demanding career. Residency will be busy but these are things we have discussed no surprise


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@familyguyy, Why can't your wife apply for student loans, financial aid, and scholarships the same way you did while you were in medical school?


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

My wife is taking a single class thus would not be eligible for any funding. Her pt job is 12 h per week while kids in school thisnis for her spending though she says it goes for stuff for family. 

Point is we had discussed this yearly since 4 yeears ago. I can cover finances for 4 yes med school but budget will need her help during residency.

She was on board now says she doesnt know how

Cost is 5k for school which mostly oaid now by her. 

I did suggest herbtaking a similar program accredited to be eligible for loans but she didnt want that which is a shame as portion of loan wpuld be forgived becaise low income status.

I know she does alot but so do i, we both do! But it was our agreement now she cant.

I understand its hard finding good job in the hours kids are in achool exactly bit many do it- not sure how


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

You are asking her to put herself on the back burner while you pursue your career. You talked about it four years ago. Things change, especially with kids. You need to figure this out with your wife, not mandate it. She needs to be happy too. She also needs to further her education, which as you have pointed out for yourself, will enhance finances.

It is very difficult to find a decent paying job during school hours, and one that is flexible with sick kids etc. in many ways, being married to a resident is like being a single mom. She is the default parent.

Have you ever had the kids all to yourself for an entire weekend? If not, you have no clue the sacrifice moms make at the expense of themselves. Sounds like it is important to her, so work together and come up with a solution. It's not just about money. Look at the budget, figure it out and show her SHE is important. I bet if you take a different view, she will be more willing to compromise and find a solution with you. You might have to work a little harder to help out while she works evenings or weekends.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Thanks shiksa ... I sense a little bit of antagonism there... Not my intent. 

Yes i have taken the kids very often... Yes i realize it is difficult, i realize finding a job during work hours is tough. I have zero problems doing what needs to be done when at home. My schedule is going to be a challenge with both hours or work as well as different schedule monthly. Nothing i can do about that. 

I am not mandating anyone do anything which is why i didnt stop/discourage wife fron pursuing school. 

I want her to pursue a satisfying career, to invest in Herself etc... No issues. But it comes down to numbers in this case - there is no way i can shoulder our budget while in residnecy working 60-80 hr/week. He have had this discussion and planned for this... If things change whats the point of planning.

I personally cannot imagine deciding to start medicine with out a financial game plan... If i could not access funding there would be no med school simple because i need a way to live

Same for her i would think, no? 

My question here is whether it is ok for one partner to simply change the game plan raise their hands shrug and say i dont know what to do at essentially last minute... when we had planned this in the past??


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

You are on a clear path. Her's is not a clear path. While I too like a plan, it's doesn't always turn out like we plan. Conundrum huh! I get the life of a resident. I saw what my mom sacrificed for my dad. Our life revolved around my dads doctor schedule. I truly get the intensity of your job, but I also know the failure rate of marriages among doctors. Part is because the all consuming job and the toll it takes on the partner and family. There has to be a way to come up with a solution. It's $416/month for her school. How much does she bring in a month? 

You sound like a very black and white person (no judgement, a lot of people are) but this a grey area in my book. In the last four years, it sound like her perspective has changed.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Her school is mostly paid by her $ from pt job. She is a server at a restorant. Actually good money for the hours worked! 

She makes 1k and says she puts all toward home - likely an exageration as she managed to pay school. I agree we will sit down again do finances figure what it is we both spend and bring in. 

Its hard to talk some times because instead a regular conversation she will begin to get upset and like yesterday she said ok i will quit school and work wvery sat and sun night and she told me not to make olans for the 2 of us for weekends anylonger....

I mean that doesnt sound like a balanced convwrsation

I came out feeling like a villain for lack of a better word

I will try to see the numbers again! Thx for the msg shiksa and everyone on the board!


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

So i got home did a little digging around and found we can sell the car and buy smaller mazda and safe almost 500 with insurance finance and gas... 

Told my wife.... Didnt even look at me lol. I am getting the cold shoulder today similar to when we have a fight. 

In passing yesterday, she mentioned that last summer she spent 1400 on day camps for kids. I was aware they went but then asked why she didnt bring this up during tax filing as we can receive credit for this sort of payment. She forgot whichbis fine. Today i asked if ahe has a chance if she could locate thise receipts i could send in an amendment and this could represent an extra 150-200$. She found online receipts but then said she doesnt know how to save to desktop. I said ok i can do it later... She said she doesnt remember how she got to pge and will not look for it again! 

Wtf!

Dont understand this. 

This doesnt feel like teamwork here!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She is not communicating.

"Wife, help me understand what is happening."

If she denies:

"I am not okay with you telling me everything is fine when it is clearly not."

Then shut your mouth and listen.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Forcing her to work? Life forces us to work. Choosing to have kids who eat and need clothes and a roof forces us to work. Work isn't punishment, it's a fact of life. It sounds very much like people not related to you have funded your family thus far (student loans, lines of credit, scholarships). You will presumably pay that money back with interest at some point, but someone else earned the money that has fed and sheltered your family to this point (from what you told us). You apparently thought you had a financial plan that both you had agreed to and were committed to. Obviously, you don't. 

If you have survived medical school you have contributed plenty to your family. Graduating medical school has been your primary job and washing dishes and sweeping floors won't pay the family nearly as much as your future earnings will. Your time was wisely invested. If your wife can expect a similar return after she graduates her 2 year course, maybe her investment is worth it. That's likely not the case, so she needs to get to work. Kids are in school by now so there's no reason not to. She might be interested in Scandinavian Flower Arranging or whatever she's taking but bills need to be paid. Once you get past Residency and start making real money she can enjoy some of the fruits. That fruit would include luxury time to take college courses just for fun.

I'd suggest you sit her down and get a budget in writing detailing both of your expected contributions. You don't want any more confusion in the future about what the plan is or who will doing what. There will be no accusations or guilt about someone making her do something. The plan will be one she's agreed to, so it's her plan.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Most everyone knows that the schooling and work required to become a doctor is more difficult than any other career field choice. It's twice as difficult when you have to balance reaching your goals with having a family. Your priority has been on you making it through medical school. Your wife's priority has been on raising the family and supporting you through medical school. Now that you're done with school, she wants to make herself a priority. You want her to continue to make you, and your career, a priority. IMO, regardless of the 'planning' and 'agreements' you had 4 years ago, what you are asking for seems unfair. It's not unfair that you are clearly communicating the financial situation to her. It's unfair that you are telling her how you want her to support the family so that you are not inconvenienced. 

For eg. you stated 



familyguyy said:


> Its hard to talk some times because instead a regular conversation she will begin to get upset and like yesterday *she said ok i will quit school and work wvery sat and sun night and she told me not to make olans for the 2 of us for weekends anylonger*....


She offered to work on the weekends to make the money to support the family but that won't work for you because you want her to be available weekend nights to spend time with you on _your_ schedule. So again, you (and your career) are the priority. She has to work around your and the kids schedules. 



familyguyy said:


> I am not mandating anyone do anything which is why i didnt stop/discourage wife fron pursuing school.


But you are. You are asking her to give up her class so that she can pick up a full time job during the hours she would normally be attending school. 



familyguyy said:


> I mean that doesnt sound like a balanced convwrsation
> 
> I came out feeling like a villain for lack of a better word


It's not a balanced conversation because yours is not a balanced relationship. The priority is you and your career. You went into medical school because you wanted to become a doctor. This was a personal goal. 

Ask yourself who's making her a priority? It's not you. It's not the kids. So who? The reason you feel like a villain is because on a deeper level, you probably can empathize with her. 



familyguyy said:


> This doesnt feel like teamwork here!


If you want it to feel like teamwork then you're going to have to start communicating with your wife as a team. Instead of _telling _her what she needs to do, why don't you discuss the financial situation, give her the budget rundown, and ask her what she thinks you BOTH can do to bridge the budget deficit?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Listen to Lila.....this marriage is very skewed toward you and your priorities. I get that you're planning to support the family with but it's also a personal goal for you. 

She doesn't get such a goal because everything is about you and your goal.

And she pretty much picks up everything at home because you're not there most of the time. 

I'm guessing you don't spend much time together?

This situation is so ripe for one of you to meet someone else.

She sounds very overwhelmed and probably feels like she isn't much of a priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

familyguyy said:


> So i got home did a little digging around and found we can sell the car and buy smaller mazda and safe almost 500 with insurance finance and gas...
> 
> Told my wife.... Didnt even look at me lol. I am getting the cold shoulder today similar to when we have a fight.
> 
> ...


I feel really bad for you. I know how it feels to have to do everything in the household and have your wife not do a damn thing. You are becoming a doctor ...which is amazing... and she can't even help with finances necessary to make this happen. Does she understand if you help you do this you will be very well off in the future? She can't even spend a couple of minutes to get you the receipt for the kids camp. I really have to question her judgement on sending the kids to camp in the first place. If you have low income, there's really no money for an expensive kids camp like this. We never had the money to do this. 

Making you feel like the villian is also not acceptable either. Again if she helps you, the whole family benefits when you graduate. 

I think that you will have to have a serious discussion with her and tell her if she is not willing to cooperate then you can't move forward with her. I seriously don't believe she know just how great she has it. I remember when I was going to school, their were women literally lined up by the med school dorm trying to get a chance to meet/date one of the med students.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Lila
Inthink you have it a bit wrong. First im not telling her to spend time with me, we had plans this weekend but because of our conversation she cancelled and is trying to work. I am not telling her to work, i was bring up an issue which is our budget which is short by 1000-1500/ monthly starting in june. We have had this convo before where she agreed to contribute $ starting june2016. 
In terms of prioritizing yes med school is busy, residency will be too, yes it is a goal of mine yesyes... But it is a goal that is going to help us all financilly and give my kids and wife financial opportunies we did not have growing up. So it is a family goal... A goal which has been discussed and yes sacrifice was made from all.

I encouraged her on many occasion to prioritize self, to grow etc... In fact going to school would have been perfect at this time... Bht it is not what you but how you do it sometimes.

She could have studied at a acceedited school or program and received finding/loans and grants for low income. She choose to enroll in a non acceedited program when there was an option for a crdited. I informed her of that but didnt "tell her" not to because i trusted our plan that we both discussed on many occasions. 

To be clear, she never gave up a career for me to go to school. She had quit working two years prior which was a great decision as our kids surely benefit from being with mom

As for priority, i am generally the one trying to plan things for us as i am a believer of the importance of couples time together


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

About the teamwork comment- not sure what else to do when we sit down to talk number and she isnt interested in that, she makes agreements and then at last minute essentially says she doesnt know what to do. To be clear i have not told her she must quit school and/or find a job. But i did indicate we need money to balance our budget.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

familyguyy said:


> Lila
> Inthink you have it a bit wrong. First im not telling her to spend time with me, we had plans this weekend but because of our conversation she cancelled and is trying to work. I am not telling her to work, i was bring up an issue which is our budget which is short by 1000-1500/ monthly starting in june.


You're talking in circles. On one hand you are telling your wife that she doesn't have to work but on the other hand you're telling her that you're going to have a budget shortfall of 1,000-1,500 starting in June.....and she has to get a full time job to make up the difference. So which is it?



familyguyy said:


> In terms of prioritizing yes med school is busy, residency will be too, yes it is a goal of mine yesyes... But it is a goal that is going to help us all financilly and give my kids and wife financial opportunies we did not have growing up. So it is a family goal... A goal which has been discussed and yes sacrifice was made from all.


Have you talked to your wife lately about your 'family' goal? She may be feeling like the 'family' goal is looking more and more like a 'familyguyy' goal with your wife doing all of the sacrificing. She may be feeling taken for granted. She may also be realizing that divorce is not an uncommon occurrence for couples where one partner is putting the other through the medical program. She may be asking herself "what'll happen to me if he dumps me while in residency?". When you ask her about her feelings on the subject, don't interrupt her, and don't be defensive. Instead, try listening to what she's telling you. 



familyguyy said:


> I encouraged her on many occasion to prioritize self, to grow etc... In fact going to school would have been perfect at this time... Bht it is not what you but how you do it sometimes.
> 
> She could have studied at a acceedited school or program and received finding/loans and grants for low income. She choose to enroll in a non acceedited program when there was an option for a crdited. I informed her of that but didnt "tell her" not to because i trusted our plan that we both discussed on many occasions.


I thought you said that her school was paid for with the money she'd saved? If so, why does it matter which school she goes to? Will you have to pay for any of it?



familyguyy said:


> As for priority, i am generally the one trying to plan things for us as i am a believer of the importance of couples time together


I think it's great that you plan things for you and your wife to do as a couple, however, if you are asking her to come up extra $$$, then to avoid resentment from her, you need to let her decide how best to do that. She may decide that since your schedule is going to so crazy anyways, she can just work longer hours at the restaurant on the weekends. She gets to keep going to school 2 days a week, while still managing to bring home the $1,500 - $2,000 a month extra for the budget. Unfortunately, this may conflict with some of those times when you two would normally be doing couple's things together but it's a fair compromise. It's part of the sacrifices you make when your family goal is for you to become a doctor.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

I never said dont work or work fulltime... She already works makes about 1k and keeps for self... I told her that we will need her help with the budget which means her contributing her earning so whether that is thru extra work or existing hours thats up to her.

Yes shes paying for her school but does make a difference as if she got a loan she would have a significant grant thus pay less which is generally better for whole family, she would also get more thus be better able add to family expenses. 

I am not upset about us spending less time due to work i was simply highlighting the reaction when i raised the budget shortfall


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

"Familyguyy goal" not sure what to make of that. It is certainly my goal, but a goal never the less that will benefit the fam - a few tough years then a more certain future. 

I should probably mention despite school i have not been an absentee father/husband... Never missed important fam occasion. Most weekends been home. We have invested in vacations three yrs in a row. I supprted her sister to live with us from another country 4 years ago- she is still in the city tho living elsewhere. When possible drive/pick up kids. 

Most importantly Leaving my work at work and fully attending to family while at home

Yes quantity not there but family time quality is


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

familyguyy said:


> I never said dont work or work fulltime... She already works makes about 1k and keeps for self... I told her that we will need her help with the budget which means her contributing her earning so whether that is thru extra work or existing hours thats up to her.
> 
> Yes shes paying for her school but does make a difference as if she got a loan she would have a significant grant thus pay less which is generally better for whole family, she would also get more thus be better able add to family expenses.
> 
> I am not upset about us spending less time due to work i was simply highlighting the reaction when i raised the budget shortfall


Okay, I think finally understand your situation. You are asking her to come up with the budget shortfall. How she does it, you don't care. She has a choice :

a) she can take the money she currently earns doing her part-time job, which she partially uses to fund her college education, and use it to pay for family bills. But if she uses the money to help pay for the bills, then she's obviously not going to be able to continue going to school.

-or-

b) work more hours (full-time job) so that she can afford both the school and financially support the family.

familyyguy, I would leave it up to her to decide how she wishes to contribute to the family expenses. She has many options. I'm sure she'll figure it out by the time June rolls around. In the meantime, don't bring this up again. It's only going to cause resentment to grow.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi lila thanks .... She is only taking a short program mostly paid for now which costs 200/ month so plenty of money left over but says she puts the remaining towrds our family - i dont question that as it would be hard to verify anyway as she mostly has cash from tips. 

I tried not mentioning this whole budget but then this all happen where she shrugged shoulders saying she doesnt know how to contrubute

Anyways im sure it wwill work out


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What's her skill set? There are lots of work from home jobs if you have specific skills. 

She's already halfway through the first year, right? So I'd say try to find something different that pays more than the 12-hour job that won't require her to quit, but insist that she gets a full time job next summer after she graduates this course.


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Hi we have decided to downgrade vehicle saving 400/month in total with insurance and gas

She used to do office work but right now with kids in school hard to find work btw 9-3.

She will continue school pt job with some extra hours and will b able to contribute from her wage the remainder


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## familyguyy (Mar 3, 2016)

Its been a while since posting on this topic and i have another situation I was hoping to get an opinion on.

As you may recall.. I just recently finished med school, starting residency and finally will be making income.

To this point i have been supporting family through credit line, loan, scholarships.

Wife works very part time, is taking a class and does all the kids stuff (2kids). 

Original plan was i would support fam with loans and starting residency she would chip in to make up budget shortfall. 

Thats when it came to a head when last month she through her hands up and said i dont know how to contribute with 1000$.

I understand, its hard to find work while kids in scholl and my schedule being unpredictable.

I suggested changing vehicle, didnthe math negotiated and got us into hyundai saving 500/month! Thus we only need 500 from her contribution! 

I proposed models to her to involve her amd we decided upon hyundai.

I thought all was good as the numbers made sense i bargained hard and the is promo going on! Then today she found out it was manual transmission when we were picking it up.

Cant beleive the blow up!

Afterall i asked her to do research on specific models i found that were most cost effect all of which are manul. 

Our current jeep was manual, 3 cars before were too, she drives very well!

I feel deflated because i feel there was a financial problem, she indicated she does not know what to do. So i got into action, found this opportunity, and managed to save 500/month. 

I feel it again is not my issue that she is upset, she could have done research on those cars, as all base models are manaual, she never asked and i didnt think its an issue as that is what we are driving now - i though $ was the main goal.

Feeling a bit upset too. Its easy to point and say i want this, not this etc... But more difficult to actually take action, get out, and do research, negotiate, and bring an opportunity for the family.

Any opinions on all this? I have already expressed these thoughts....


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