# Separated (abandoned) with an infant - need some support, perspective, anything.



## AmandaLyn (Feb 2, 2016)

So here's my story...

My husband and I have been married for about 7 years (together for almost 10). There have always been issues, but I thought we did pretty well at managing them. Full disclosure:

* he has a drinking problem. He does a jekyl/hyde thing when drunk and gets really angry and mean. Every time. He would always make me feel that his explosions were my fault when I hadn't even done anything - sometimes it was as small as me asking him to not have anymore to drink and he would lose it. After years of this and having the same traumatic explosions, he finally started to realize I was right and agreed to work on it and I helped him. In the last couple years, these episodes have been few and far between. The thing is - they have cause a lot of damage for me. I lost trust in him, sometimes lost respect for him, and felt a lot of unresolved injustice for what he put me through and I don't think he even realized how much pain it caused me. Still, I stayed. divorce was not on the table for me.

* I have some anxiety/depression issues - I admit that I have been difficult in the past when my anxiety/depression was not being treated. It would cause me to be very high strung, manic about house cleaning, and snippy. I have been on medication for the last couple years though and I thought things had been getting a lot better (read: I'm easier to live with).

* I have had a low sex drive - this is something I've acknowledged is something I needed to deal with. However, I also think part of it is that he made it feel like a chore and would get pouty if he didn't get it when he wanted it on his terms. My plea for him to make me feel wanted went ignored and he just turned it around on me and said I needed to make him feel wanted. vicious circle I guess. I am objectively very attractive to most people, but he makes me feel completely unattractive and uninteresting. The most he every says is something like "that looks nice"... and that's if I prod for a compliment. Maybe this is a petty female thing, but nevertheless, it's a thing.



So flash forward to this year - I got pregnant unexpectedly with our second child last year. He didn't seem happy about it at all. Throughout the pregnancy, he avoided me, never went to doctor appointments, was just not interested at all. When I would tell him my feet or back hurt, he would ignore it and just start complaining that his back hurt. No affection, massages, emotional support, nothing. The entire pregnancy, I pleaded with him to stop avoiding me and that I felt like we were just roommates. He never made a single attempt to touch me the entire time. I begged him to start couples therapy with me, but by the time we started, I was weeks away from giving birth. We planned to take a break and then go back a few weeks after I had the baby, so I figured that I could trust in our marriage enough that we would stick it out in therapy and find our way back to a happy marriage in time. 

However, one week after I gave birth, he came in the room while I was holding the baby and told me he didn't love me anymore and didn't want to be married. The word devastation can't even begin to describe how I felt. I've never sobbed like that in my life. for days. with a newborn. I had postpartum depression with my first and knew it was likely with this one too... so this was depression doubled. I wasn't eating and started losing massive amounts of weight. (flash fwd: I'm below my pre-pregnancy weight after 4 months. celebrity mom style, except not so healthy).

So for the next few months while I was on maternity leave, instead of focusing on my newborn, I was trying to get dressed and look decent for him (I'm normally thin, so my self esteem was not so great after the baby). Trying to be perfect, taking care of him when he was sick and when both kids got sick, I took care of them too. Then I got sick - no one took care of me. He would say that maybe there was hope, but then he wouldn't really engage in trying to work things out, was completely withdrawn in therapy and even had trouble being nice to me. 

The worst part is that he couldn't even give me a real reason. He would just say something like he felt like he had been trying for too long and was just done. Whenever I would try to talk about things, I was met with silence. Like talking to a brick wall. The most I would get was a look of pitty.

As the months went by, nothing changed, he pulled away more and I tried to hold on. The therapist called him on being detached in sessions and told him he couldn't just stay one foot in/one foot out of the relationship forever and would need to make a choice soon. My argument was that at least if he really tried to go both feet in, and later decided it wouldn't work, he wouldn't have regret over what might have been. Then after thanksgiving, he told me he just couldn't do it and wanted to separate. And so I started the grieving process all over again. At this point, we told our families and non-mutual friends only. need to know basis. He got an apartment right before xmas and would come to see the kids a few nights a week and weekends. 

When venting to my family and best friend, I started to see him through different eyes. They had seen him as being condescending, manipulative, selfish, etc for a long time. He acts like he is better than everyone else and is oblivious to his own issues (drinking, selfishness, vanity, etc). He has made me feel like all of this is my fault and that I'm crazy and just too hard to live with. But now, I feel manipulated into feeling that way. Don't get me wrong, I completely own(ed) up to my part in the relationship problems (some noted above), but he doesn't really own up to his and seems to conveniently forget them. 


So anger has set in. I feel angry for what he has done to me. He has taken away what should be a joyous time with my new son (and right before christmas too). He has abandoned me emotionally and physically (and did so a long time ago). He has taken me for granted for soooo long.... I'm not a bad catch, I have a career, I'm smart, funny, attractive, fit, I have hobbies, & I'm a great mom. No appreciation for any of that. I now don't think I can be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

Most recently, he has moved back into the house into a spare bedroom. He says that because I won't allow the kids to have weeknight sleepovers at his apartment (they are 4 and 4 months - still nursing) I am denying him real separation. We do not agree on custody. I want the kids to see him as much as possible and have access to him whenever they want. I've planned for him to visit 3 nights a week, drive our daughter to school in the mornings, and spend much of the weekends around them. But I think they are too young to have to split living in two places 50/50. While they are in school I want to be the primary custodian and they can spend the night at his place every other weekend (though the baby not until a year old). When I tell him this he either doesn't respond or fights with me. Because I feel so strongly about this, I can say right now, that it will go to litigation before I change my mind. 

At this point, I'm just so tired of the games. I don't even feel sad about him leaving me, I feel sad about the broken family my kids will grow up with. I'm not worried about myself - I make good money and can support myself and kids on my own, I have a huge support system nearby including my parents and plenty of girlfriends. I don't think I can allow him to damage my self worth any longer.

My lawyer says that I have grounds for an at fault divorce for desertion, which I intend to use. Am I wrong for wanting to just file for divorce and get it over with? At first I was begging for reconciliation and after months of him proving to me that he has no intention of spending time with me or trying to reconcile, I've given up. I feel like he is manipulating me into being the one that files so that he can come out of this looking like he did nothing wrong.


Am I crazy for thinking he is the worst human being on the planet? He makes me feel like he is justified, which makes me think there must be something really wrong with me.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

NO you are not crazy for thinking that. He is scum. Divorce him as quickly as you can so that you can get some normalcy for yourself and your kids. Suddenly NOW he wants to be dad to the baby?? That would piss me off.


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## AmandaLyn (Feb 2, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> NO you are not crazy for thinking that. He is scum. Divorce him as quickly as you can so that you can get some normalcy for yourself and your kids. Suddenly NOW he wants to be dad to the baby?? That would piss me off.



That is exactly how I feel. He wasn't involved in the pregnancy, doesn't do night feedings, is hardly bonded with him at all, but yet wants to take him from me half the time. All of the sudden he is making this effort to be a great Dad when he basically avoided all of us before to be on his phone or play guitar, or just come home from work at 8pm.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Things with his skvnk probably aren't going well.

Who cares if you look like the bad guy? Everyone already knows he's a pos.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

The older daughter is not to young for sleep overs with dad but the baby no. How old is your oldest ? Do you really see him being able to handle a one year old? How was he with your oldest ?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Think child support payments? Start documenting how he spends his time with the kids. 

Don't feed him, unless he provides funds for his meals and does in-kind around home.


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## AmandaLyn (Feb 2, 2016)

JohnA said:


> The older daughter is not to young for sleep overs with dad but the baby no. How old is your oldest ? Do you really see him being able to handle a one year old? How was he with your oldest ?


I'm not saying he can't have overnights with her, my main issue is that I don't want her to have to go back and forth to two houses while she is in school. So during the school week, she would sleep at home (my house) and then every other weekend sleep at his place. Then in the summer we could have a looser weekday policy. 

She is four and he is fine with her, but he doesn't have the bond with the 1 year old that he has with her. 

The lawyer did advise me to ask for child support now. I did, but he didn't respond (we only communicate over email). So I told him that I would no longer be paying for pre-school, he would need to pay for it until he could respond to me about child support. I still pay half of the mortgage and other bills. The lawyer also said that whenever I file is when there might be retroactive child support.

So I don't know.

We said a 6 month trial separation, but that was when I thought he would be making any effort to reconcile. He clearly doesn't want to, but its only been a little over 2 months for the "official" separation request (though no formal agreement since I didn't want it). If I'm counting the 3 month period of hell when I was trying to convince him to work on things, its been more like 5 months.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You sound very strong despite your circumstances. Its good that you have an attorney to provide for direction.

Even if he was the worse husband/father in the world, there is still grieving to be done. Loss of the expectation and hope that your family would stay together as a healthy unit. 

Are you crazy? Nope

If he is choosing nothing different, for months now, just rip of the band-aid. Get it done. 

Perhaps mediation on the stuff that you don't agree on. 

Otherwise, having him live with you creates stress that you don't need. Sooner the better.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So he pays for nothing related to food, clothing, electric, heat, etc ? 

He is cake eating on you and your children. It seems the only question is how much of pig he is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Before he moved back and now that he is back living in the house, how much time does he spend away not related to his work? A lot of what you say that he has been doing screams "affair".

To me it sounds like he has been having an affair. Have you checked this out? Not asked him but looked to see if you can find anything. For example, does the bill for his cell phone show a lot of calls/texting with one number?

Something for you to think of. He cannot make you think anything. He can do something that puts you down. But you have the power to not accept what he says/does. You are completely in control of the way you react to the nonsense he spews. I sounds like you are finally realizing this.

You are not crazy for the way you feel. 

And I think that you should just go ahead now and file for divorce. So far he has been in control. Take control of your life back.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Things with his skvnk probably aren't going well.
> 
> Who cares if you look like the bad guy? Everyone already knows he's a pos.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Tell us how you really feel, life.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jld said:


> Tell us how you really feel, life.


Yeah, that's a bad habit of mine.....not being clear about how I really feel >


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So sorry for your situation OP, how terrible! What a scumbag your husband is!

I would caution you though, to be careful not to make unilateral decisions about the children/custody. As scummy as your husband is, he is still their father and he has the right to be involved in their lives every day - and more importantly, they have a right to have him in their lives as much as possible.

The 4 year old is not too young for sleepovers at daddy's, but she likely won't handle more than one or two nights at a time away from either parent. I agree the 1 year old is too young yet for sleepovers. You must be willing to be flexible to starting off small and as the kids grow, changing things slowly until you end up with 50/50 care. That's the reality of divorce unfortunately.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

AmandaLyn said:


> Am I crazy for thinking he is the worst human being on the planet? He makes me feel like he is justified, which makes me think there must be something really wrong with me.


not at all. Something is seriously wrong with him. Protect yourself and your children and let him go. You need to focus on recovery and your two babies. He is no longer part of the family. He threw himself out. If he is back in the house, have your lawyer fight for you for everything you want and can get. Don't forget divorce is strictly business!

He can fight you if he wants to, but your lawyer will help you get a fair settlement. Stop thinking what he will say or do. He is no longer your concern. Just co-parent with this man. That is all he is from now on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*File! File! File!

And the sooner, the better! Get yourself a piranha attorney and get a more than equitable amount of child support and alimony! As well as a fair property settlement!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

AmandaLyn said:


> While they are in school I want to be the primary custodian and they can spend the night at his place every other weekend (though the baby not until a year old).
> 
> 
> I'm not worried about myself - I make good money and can support myself and kids on my own, I have a huge support system nearby including my parents and plenty of girlfriends. I don't think I can allow him to damage my self worth any longer.
> ...


You are 100% correct. There should not be 50/50 custody in this situation. The children need stability. Visitation rights should be granted, but with caution. Your H is an unfit parent, in his current state. He needs to fix his drinking problem and perhaps the rest will follow.

Do not be manipulated. The kids need a stable, reassuring environment. You have a job and family so go for it. No pity for the H.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You sound like a really great, strong woman. 

Without taking his drinking problem into account, you may not have grounds to keep him from 50% custody of your daughter, but I think you should at least try since I believe it would be best for her to be with you. With the drinking taken into account, you probably have a better chance! Has he ever had a DUI?


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## AmandaLyn (Feb 2, 2016)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You sound like a really great, strong woman.
> 
> Without taking his drinking problem into account, you may not have grounds to keep him from 50% custody of your daughter, but I think you should at least try since I believe it would be best for her to be with you. With the drinking taken into account, you probably have a better chance! Has he ever had a DUI?


He hasn't had a DUI that I know of, but I do know (and my family has witnessed) he occasionally drives home after drinking what we would consider too much. Also, when he was younger he got arrested for punching through the glass of a convenience store when he was having a drunk episode (before I knew him). This is not relevant to our current situation since he was a minor, but at very least his parents shouldn't be surprised to hear about his drinking issues if we end up in court. He rarely has these episodes now, so I wouldn't go out of my way to bring this out unless I had to.

Honestly, I'm not even opposed to giving him 50% or more access to the kids. Even if that means I have to suffer him being in my home. I just truly believe that at such a young age, living in two homes would be detrimental to them. They need a "home base". I really think his desire to have them split homes 50% of the time is self serving and not in the best interest of the kids. 



I have told him that I will grudgingly try to wait the remainder of the 6 month separation period, but unless some major miracle happens, I will be filing after that. I honestly don't know why I'm even doing this, I guess doing the actual filing makes me feel like I'm the one who broke up the family. 


Can anyone think of any possible thing that might make what he did justifiable? Even if he really just didn't love me and didn't want to be with me - at least give me the respect as a woman and mother to wait until after immediate postpartum... 

If there is something I did that makes it justifiable, I just wish I knew what that was so I can know if maybe I did deserve this OR if my feelings of betrayal, anger, are justified. He now tries to act nice around me and it makes me feel like I'm in the wrong for thinking he is a terrible person for what he did just because he tries to act friendly about it (sometimes). Everyone else I talk to about it confirms to me that there is something wrong with him, but him and his Mom make it seem like his actions aren't as despicable as they were and that he has some solid reasoning for doing it (or as he says, the timing was out of his control). 

If I could be so terrible as to make someone do this to me after having their child, what hope do I have of holding on to any future relationships?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

AmandaLyn said:


> If I could be so terrible as to make someone do this to me after having their child, what hope do I have of holding on to any future relationships?


If HE could be so terrible as to do this to someone after she just had his child, what hope does HE have of holding on to any future relationships? 

Slim to none.

This is not your fault.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

You are not crazy for feeling this way and I understand that you want the divorce as quickly as possible to get it over with, but I agree with your lawyer, get him on desertion. Also, he needs to get over the fact that you are a nursing mother and your baby needs to stay with you until he isn't nursing anymore. It is good that you are starting to see him in the same way that your friends and family are seeing him too. Sometimes, it is better to think with your head and not with your heart. Especially if your head and heart are agreeing that he isn't such a good person after all.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

AmandaLyn said:


> Can anyone think of any possible thing that might make what he did justifiable? Even if he really just didn't love me and didn't want to be with me - at least give me the respect as a woman and mother to wait until after immediate postpartum...


NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

He may have been unhappy in the marriage for whatever reason, not necessarily anything to do with you, only you can know that, but if that was the case, he should have discussed it with you. As his wife, at the very least, you deserved the chance to try to make it right or work with him to make it right.

He didn't do that, he went outside the marriage. THAT IS 100% ON HIM. There is NEVER a "good reason" to cheat, and it's NEVER someone else's fault. To cheat (or not) is a choice, and the person who cheats has to own that choice.


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## AmandaLyn (Feb 2, 2016)

So while going through our basement looking for things to sell/get rid of, I stumbled across a locked journal. This seemed a strange thing to be laying around (in a pile of his junk), so I opened it - it wasn't locked, just had the lock on it. 

And inside, I found a journal entry of his from back in July where he basically said "I hate my wife" and that his life had been good throughout the marriage, but he couldn't trace any of the good parts back to me. This is by far the most hurtful thing I've ever seen. He has completely discounted everything I've ever done for him, the fact that he wouldn't have his house if it weren't for my income, the fact that he wouldn't have kids if it weren't for me, and how I supported him through miserable jobs/getting laid off and helped him get a handle on his alcoholism. 

I cannot for the life of me understand why I'm deserving of hatred and this kind of mistreatment and disregard. We definitely fought and had issues (I'm far from a saint), but I never name called and tried to compromise whenever possible. I'm not controlling and have always been supportive of things he wanted to do. The only thing that even makes sense to me is that he grew up in such a passive aggressive family that avoids even the smallest level of conflict at all costs, that having even normal marital conflict wasn't something he knew how to handle. And the fact that I wasn't able to make life 100% about him all the time and would call him out when he would continuously "one up" me on everything caused him to resent me. 

My parents think he is a narcissist, I'm not sure if that's the case or if he really is the most selfish person to walk the earth. 

At any rate, in light of this finding, I've decided to not wait the remainder of the "6 month trial separation" after all. It's done. I can't be with someone who hates me and makes me feel undeserving of love. Still, I just feel sick.

I know in my heart that I don't deserve this, but it still leaves a feeling in my core that there is something inherently wrong or unlovable about me.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I feel so bad that you are going through some a crisis after the birth of child. He isn't a partner and doesn't care to be. It's sad how selfish people can be..abandoning their children. The world has certainly changed as, sadly, this is to frequent.

Reading that journal must have been devastating to see those words on paper. 

Just remember, when they are cheating, they rewrite history. They find a reason to justify their behavior. They blame you and state that someone you were so horrible that it drove them to _________ (abandon their family; relapse on porn, drugs, alcohol: cheat on you, etc..). 

Protect yourself and your children. Shut the door. If that means a legal separation with legal guidelines for the kids; support etc.

Even if he wanted to come back....he would need to do some significant work and prove himself long term.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

AmandaLyn said:


> I'm not saying he can't have overnights with her, my main issue is that I don't want her to have to go back and forth to two houses while she is in school. So during the school week, she would sleep at home (my house) and then every other weekend sleep at his place. Then in the summer we could have a looser weekday policy.
> 
> She is four and he is fine with her, but he doesn't have the bond with the 1 year old that he has with her.
> 
> ...


Amanda,

Accept that you cannot convince anyone of anything.

If you DO "convince" them, anything that goes wrong from that day forward is "your fault"

Think about it. You know the drill.


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## Iridescent (Jan 12, 2016)

Have a similar hubby to you. No gratitude or appreciation and an inability to see outside their own negative perspective or self reflection. I hope all the best for you. Mine still visits to our home, and just his presence has become too stressful to me because of the disrepect. Just file. I am going to even though I am not the one who asked or wanted a divorce. I honestly just want to move on with my life and I'm sure you do too. You're awesome and strong and you deserve to be surrounded by unconditional love.


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