# Bad sex



## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Now I understand why some people go back to their ex partners to get (great) sex... I recently separated with my partner of 7 years. Our sex life was pretty good, but that's all there was - sex. I wanted more from a relationship.

I met this guy recently that I became good friends with. He is a decent kisser, very affectionate and great to cuddle with... I had second thoughts about engaging in a sexual relationship (wasn't sure I was ready for intimacy with a new man)... but a week ago we sort of ended up in bed... and it was a disaster.... He didn't have a proper "hard-on" but for some reason that didn't stop him... After 10 minutes (I felt nothing) I politely suggested we take a break. When I told him he wasn't hard enough he said "really?"

- Are some men incapable of getting a hard-on?

I don't think I want to "educate" this guy about sex... So I am not really sure if I should give him another chance or just avoid sex with him from now on... I am just a bit over educating guys about sex... I thought guys were supposed to be experts on the matter...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

if he wasnt fully hard he wasnt fully turned on, get busy


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

How can he not know that he was limp? (blink!)


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Has he heard of Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis? And if those still don't do the job, there's Caverject. But then, if he is in denial.....you've probably got a lot of educating to do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He could have been nervous. A second go round may tell--or not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I agree with michzz. This was the first time for and this guy and he probably was feeling like an awkward, goofy 15 year old. It certainly doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't turned on and it doesn't mean he is incapable. It may take a couple more attempts before he relaxes enough to be remotely decent.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i will tell you there are times when i dont fully achieve because im bored. not saying thats the case here because there is no way to know it.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Interesting replies... thank you all. I guess I'll never know what really happened without giving him a second chance... however, I think the root of the problem is actually me - I would normally not have a problem with this - but maybe I am just not ready for intimacy with a new man... My ex was always ready for action, he never let me down like this, not even once in 7 years. I miss sex but I don't really have strong or deep feelings for this guy which makes it harder for me to be supportive in this situation. I was just hoping for a quick half decent sex without much emotional attachment... It is definitely challenging for me, after all this time, to have sex with someone new again...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I know you don't think I am going to be serious by this reply. . .but I am. Among other options, why don't you consider landing a 18-22 year old male in your bed if all you need/want is some "half decent sex without much emotional attachment".

Seriously, at that age, I would have done a hole in the wall.

And most guys that age would do an attractive female up to 50 years old - you know. . .the whole Mrs. Robinson thing.

In fact, since you know good sex from bad sex. . .why not be a teacher, Mrs. Robinson?


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, to add. . .every time with a new partner you may as well both be virgins. . .yeah, intercourse is humping and that's very mammalian but other than that (and yes, there are degrees of hardness - about 4- flaccid, semi-erect, hard, rock hard) , each sexual experience is different.

For instance, my stb-x never said a word during sex. . .nothing. . .she said she couldnt' dirty talk. But I could tell a lot from her breathing. My ex-gf wouldn't shut up. It's like she had to be inside my entire brain, asking me questions, lol. Sometimes, I'd be like, "Huh, what?" It's like she wanted a conversation or something. After experiencing both, I definitely need something in between. . .especially at the end I need some quiet time so I can go that "little place" in my head.

And to credit my stb-x (since we are honoring ex's and that's healthy of us), I guess I tip towards liking it to be a little more on the quiet side. (except at the end - then you can scream like a Irish Wailing Banshee  )


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

And any ladies out there. . .let's not get in my head during sex with me.

It's only for the brave of heart and strong of stomach.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

hehe...my Husband is a man who loves to talk during sex...not really raunchy stuff, either...just run of the mill stuff ...it's strange because he's not a big talker when he's not having sex....


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

BeanCounterWife said:


> hehe...my Husband is a man who loves to talk during sex...not really raunchy stuff, either...just run of the mill stuff ...it's strange because he's not a big talker when he's not having sex....


LOL, that is indeed strange...

Scanner, some great advice there! LOL... The last time I was single 22 was the age of men I slept with!  Maybe that's the problem! Haha... I am used to guys who make holes in the walls! LOL


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

OK. So, I gave this guy a second chance... We had a really fun night, a few drinks, relaxing... very passionate making out on the sofa... we went into the bedroom... and then... the same thing happened. I worked on him for half an hour and he still wasn't hard enough... We didn't even try to have sex this time. Once he realised the same thing is happening again he seemed a bit worried but generally he took it quite well... He didn't even try to do it again, he just fell asleep. He is in my bed as we speak. I really like him (he is so much fun) but I am obviously quite disappointed. Not sure what to do and if I want to give it a third try.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, that's strike 2.

He may be nervous. I had this issue as other guys have. 

He needs to get this down to a science. . .not sure how old you are. . .but you sound in your 30's and I assume he is. You are both not 22 years anymore.

I have to tell you - the "we had a few drinks" comment. . .I don't even like to touch the stuff if sex is in the cards. Sure. . .the woman can get liquored up. . .but as the man. . .I would just pretend to drink my wine with her. I just can't handle my liquor like I used to.

Other than, I have no practical advice on this one. . .could be a multitude of issues but you are under no obligation to figure it out with him, as if you were married.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Thanks for your reply Scanner. I'm 29 and he is 28! I really doubt it's psychological. Also, 2 beers shouldn't be a problem for a 28 year old, I think! I thought it might help him relax (if that was an issue). I had a bit of a read on the topic (as this has never happened to me before) and I think it might be a combination of regular alcohol abuse and possible injury (groin, back or both), which wouldn't surprise me as he does a relatively violent and physical sport. He left this morning in a bit of a rush, just a quick kiss... And yes, you are right, I am not obligated to help him with this problem (which I think is beyond psychological due to his age), however I do want to help him as I care for him as a friend. Talking about it might make him very uncomfortable but I don't see any other alternative except ignoring the problem altogether.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Nikon,

Oh, I don't know. . .don't be too quick to judge alcohol's penile inhibitory effects even at age 28.

Since you are only a young, innocent and not-wise-to-life yet 29 year old. . .you are about to learn a penis has a mind of it's own. It's almost like a 3rd party.

Man

Woman

Penis

All 3 go to bed together.

I admit I can't recall when it started but I just don't like to mix alcohol and sex any more. . .a problem with my ex-gf as she is Irish (sorry Irish people - I have crossed generalizing and now I am stereotypiing  )


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

So. I was with another guy tonight. 32 and absolutely gorgeous, clean, tidy, amaaaaazing body... but totally selfish. The sex was completely porn-style, no emotion, no sensuality, just plain old fu*****. I don't know what was worse - A guy who cares about me but can't get a hard-on, or a stud who can last incredibly long but doesn't care about me at all. Finding a compatible sexual partner surely isn't as easy as I have imagined. I must say my married life was far more exciting in the sex department.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Okay, I'm just trying to follow - you want a **** with no emotional attachment but you want that **** to be non-selfish?

Not judging. . .just trying to follow. . .you need a friend with benefits, not a one night stand.

It's like a linear scale. . .

ONE NIGHT STAND. . .FLING. . .FRIENDS W/BENNIES. . .LOVERS. . .ENGAGED (like George on Seinfeld - you can both cuddle and watch "Mad About You") . . .MARRIED

But yes. . .you have hit upon the "Good Kirk/Bad Kirk" thing I have always talked about. . .you need both sides of yourself to be whole, as a man or woman, in bed.

You need the nice guy to go down on you. . .but the bad guy to get a raging hard on and pound you. Complicated, isn't it?

(don't mind me. . .I'm a nerd  but a bad nerd  )

Good luck on your quest. . .


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Scanner, I am not sure if this was a one night stand. I went out with this guy on a date about 2 months ago. I didn't just pick him off the street. I think he is very smart and a great conversationalist so it was never just like come over and bang me...

I may be 29 but I am not sexually inexperienced or immature. When I said I wanted sex without an emotional attachment I was not referring to detached, cold, frigid screwing. I have no feelings for this guy but I was still able to make him the object of my desire and attention. When I am in bed with someone I am there 100%, completely engaged in creating a bubble of excitement and passion. That's the kind of lover I am. I guess I am sensual and like things to be a bit meaningful.

So, in regards to the last night's selfish sex; He was naked in less than a second, barely touched my body, his tempo was absolutely out of this world (never experienced remotely anything like it) and the whole thing lasted more than an hour (at least 10 different positions). He was a robot and I was his plastic doll, even his face looked expressionless. There was absolutely nothing human about that sex, despite all my efforts of trying to communicate with him.

The strangest thing was that when the sex was over he was suddenly there again. Chatty, honest and gentle. Without me saying a word he would start talking about the sex, how selfish he is in bed and how wrong it felt... ? He said that he has never been in a serious relationship and that most women he's been with want sex like that. I find that very odd. Maybe it's a cultural thing... or maybe he was misinformed.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you sound difficult to please, im sure many women would love to have a guy last for an hour through 10 different positions


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

I know it must sound like I am hard to please but not really. Like I said the guy was rough and passive, unemotional and cold. I don't mind non-committed sex, but showing a little passion is essential.

I don't think I can say much more to this topic... I decided not to have any more sex until I am really attracted to someone and vice versa. This whole intimacy without feelings makes me feel like a heartless robot.


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