# How do you truly forgive?



## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

Is it really possibly to forgive those who have hurt you and broke you down?


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

forgive yes.... Forget Never.

C


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I think that depends on the other person. Do they recognize the hurt they have caused? Are they remorseful, and are they actively making an effort to recompense for that?

Then yes, I think it's possible.

But a lot of people won't do that.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

depends on the person,infraction,and time frame.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Quote - "Is it really possibly to forgive those who have hurt you and broke you down?". 

For me I know the answer is YES! I know it's said that it all depends on the WS & how much work they're willing to put in but I believe it's as much (if not more) dependent on the nature of the BS. Over a decade ago my H turned into a completely different human being than I'd known for the previous 15 years. I call it Mr Alien. It's one of the most extreme character changes I've read. He had always been known as an incredibly kind, gentle, giving man. Mr Alien is the opposite! 

I seriously doubted his sanity. It had NEVER occurred to me that he might cheat. It took me many, many months to finally realize he was having an affair. To cut a long story short, it broke me to such an extent that I lost myself. A complete stranger observed us in a shop for a short while, caught me alone & slipped a piece of paper into my hand...It was the emergency telephone number of an abused women's shelter. I AM NOT that kind of woman, or so I thought. I'm proud, well educated, intelligent, successful...He completely "broke me down".

He finally decided that he wanted me for whatever reason. Broke-up with her. There were tears & some big talks but nothing even close to transparency, appology, whatever. Total rug-sweep. I don't recall even mentioning it much. In hindsight I was suffering from PTSD, abused women's syndrome, whatever you want to call it. Ugh!! 

Anyway, I'm me! Months passed. Huge emotional life changing things happened, including my brothers suicide, my H's Mums death. We went on to have 2 beautiful children. I can HONESTLY say it rarely crossed my mind! There were years I don't remember thinking of it at all. When my friend went through her divorce a few years ago my H mentioned his A (to be honest the abuse was worse than the A) & actually apologized. That felt really good. 

If nothing like it had ever happened again it would of been forgiven & forgotten. Truly. I'd chalked it up to temporary (about a year) insanity. My 'Lost Year'. So...YES! If enough life happens & everything is good, or at least good enough, it's entirely possible to get over it. I've always been prone to fantasy & looking on the bright side of life though. Now? He's finally killed that innocent girl I was. I don't know if I'll ever even find ME again. I'm long gone. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. I miss ME, I liked ME. All I can do now is mourn the loss of me & fake happy to give my kids a nice life.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

If you are reconciling, it depends on the WS. Bitterness and anger is what prevents you from wanting to forgive. Once you get past that. It will be easier to accept the faults of the WS. 
Divorce or separation requires you to reach the feeling of indifference. Once you truly move on. The pain and anger will go away. You will be surprised when it happens. 

In my case, I have prayed for months to have the strength to forgive my WW. It wasn't until 2 days ago, I was able to. It was like a instant click of a switch. I remember being furious because of a trigger during the weekend. All of a sudden. I didn't care anymore. I got tired of being angry. I didn't like how it affected me. Like going cold turkey from any addiction. I just let it go. I don't feel any hate for her now. In fact, I don't feel any love either. I still care what happens to her for the sake of the kids. As far as all the things that has happened. They don't bother me anymore. What's done is done. It is what it is. I am no doormat. I will not let what she did control me anymore.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I've been able to forgive my stepmother for years - decades, really - of psychological abuse. But that might have been because she was dying. And I have to admit that since she passed away last year, I have had some anger-filled thoughts of her, here and there.

I don't think it's a stretch to say I'll never forgive my ex for cheating on me, and then, as if that wasn't bad enough, leaving me for her and now living happily ever after with her. I feel like what used to be a soft heart is hard as a rock, now. I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns for what he's done to our family and the way he's gone about it.

Maybe it depends on the one doing (or not) the forgiving.


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's response. I guess my question was pretty open ended without any content. I have several people this question applies to but 2 in particular. So here it goes...

I will start with some background. I loved my husband like crazy. When we married after finally living together for over a year, I only asked him for one thing. Please don't cheat on me, and that was it, simple. I had 2 other relationships (engagements really) that ended with me leaving because they had cheated. I promised that if he didn't cheat, that I would make him a very happy man. I gave him freedoms that made his married friends jealous and his single friends wish for. I did this because I trusted him and figured that marriage shouldn't be the end of living and having fun. I constantly gave, and did things for him. I got along great with his family and he never had to worry about me being unfaithful. I was so completely happy and committed that when other men hit on me, I showed them my ring and said I couldn't be happier. I never removed my rings or left the house without them. We had a total of 4 disagreements not even really fights in the 11 1/2 years we were together till the day my life changed. I hated fighting especially over stupid things, I had no desire to be a nag, and it just was a waste of time to fight. Why hold on to it? Lifes to short for things like that. Only 1 of those lasted morethan 15mins and thats because I had found some conversations on the computer that raised concern but he assured me it was nothing and I believed him. 
So on to the night I mentioned earlier. 10/31/10 was the night it happened. He took our kid out trick or treating and I stayed behind to pass out candy. At a slow point in the evening I ran upstairs to our bedroom and saw that he had left his cell phone laying on the bed. Odd considering that if I had really paid attention before, that he NEVER let it out of his site. Before this night I never felt the need to check his phone for any reason. It kept beeping so I thought maybe it was something important. I found a email notice that was the reason for the beeping.I opened it to reveal a response to a Craigslist ad. As I read the email I started to realize that it was a personal ad he placed looking for female company while he was i Thailand on business. His company sent him there a couple times a year for a month or 2 per trip. I was devistated and horrified to be seeing this email. When he returned that evening I put my kid to bed and requested his company in our bathroom to address what I found. He tried to tell me it was a joke his friends posted but after several hours of demanding the truth he finally told me that he had cheated with a woman here in Colorado once but never with any women overseas. For a couple of days I shut down and struggled with this. I decided I needed more information and by the end of that conversation 1 woman turned into 11years of cheating with many women, some of the were long term relationships that he was spending time with and seeing very often. Turns out the freedom I was giving him was the time he spent doing this not to mention taking time off from work to meet these women. Eventually he told me he tried to stop cheating on me for years but just couldn't. I told him he needed help and for weeks I suffered. Eventually he spoke to a therapist and found out he was bi-polar with a sexual addiction. He started seeing a therapist regularly and recieved medication. We tried to do a couples session with his thersapist and I was told by her that I needed to get over it because he was trying to fix this. We fought a lot for the next month and finally I decided to leave and see my family to sort things out. We needed to separate for a while. While I was visiting my family I ran into an ex-fiance who I left because he cheated and we slept together. I was disgusted with myself but I was even more heartbroken because of my marriage. I came back and my husband and I continued to fight horribly and we did our best to keep it from our kid. We talked about trying to fix things and I felt I needed to be honest about my ex so I told him because I didnt want to lie. He flipped out and posted all of our business on facebook but conveniently left out his part in this. Basically just telling all our friends and family I cheated on him. Lost a lot of friends that day! I decided to fight back and asked him why he wasnt tellig people about the 11+years of cheating he did. By then it was to late and people had already assumed I cheated and was just making up lies. It didnt help that his mother lives in our basement (which is a whole other issue). We are still married going on 16+ yrs and we are trying to fix this but I don't feel the same about him and I can't leave because I am currently the only persone bringing in a income. He spent our savings, and retirement to open a business that closed a little over a year after it opened. I go days without wanting to even talk to him and we have had sex twice in the last year. He's always on his phone texting and some times I could just care less if he is talking to another woman. We are having financial issues because he has been unemployed for almost a year now. He had a part time job he quit but instead of talking to me about it first, he posted it all over facebook and when I addressed it it, his comment was "I forgot your on facebook!". He tries and he shows more affection but I'm just so unhappy. 

But its not just him..this is where the 2nd person comes in. His mother! Her husband died 10 years ago and she asked my husband if she could live with us. At first I was ok with it, then I had a bad feeling and explained to my husband it wasnt a good idea. He told her yes anyway. We moved to bigger house and she moved in to the basement. At first it was ok. We had daily issues with her because her mood swings her horrible due to depression which I eventually found out was a chronic ongoing issue for her, not just because the loss of her husband. She had stopped taking her medsbefore he died, so i figured i should address this with my husband and she turned that conversation on me. I had issues with her talking about people behind their backs to me and then me behind my back but I let it slide because of her issues. She started treating my family like **** when they came to visit so they stopped coming.They haven't been to visit in 6yrs but I was nothing but friendly and welcoming to hers. Friends that would come over she made them feel unwelcome. She started to get jealous of my time with her nieces. Then she started to get jealous of my social circle. I would from time to time invite her to do things with me (because I still tried to get along with her)and my friends and she would make an ass out of herself (getting so drunk she would pass out in their bathroom for hours, puke in their yard, touch people inappropriately, make embarrassing/rude comments). She became very jealous and would always want to hang out with us. Then my husbands infidelity came to light. She started calling my friends and telling them that they had to be better friends and be there for me. She started going to their homes to talk about me behind my back after picking a fight with me and crying just in time to have my kid or husband walk in and see my response. She even blamed me for my husbands cheating saying it was my fault that he was lonely and sought out other women (so you can tell he wasnt honest about what he did). I lost some of my closes friends because of her. She now socializes with them and they wont speak to me. I don't t speak to her and havent in almost 5yrs which makes it uncomfortable around here. I have not had anyone over in 4yrs because I refuse to have to share more of my friends because she doesn't know what boundaries are. I try to keep my kid away from her because I know she will talk about me to my kid, she did it to her neices about their mother. Shes bat **** crazy.

I know everyone says, just make her move. We were in the process of selling the house when my husband lost his job and now we can't and he won't ask her to leave. I have lost the person I use to be. I don't know if the old me will ever return because of all this. I feel hurt and bitter and angry that people who are supposed to love and care for you can treat you like ****. Then continue to live a life full of happiness while you sit broken and destroyed and never giving a thought to what they have done.

So with all this being said. ..is it possible to forgive people who have broken you down?
(Sorry for the emotional vomit but its been bottled inside for some time now)


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
yes it is possible. But you need to ask yourself if they are worth it.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

It all depends how _ *you*_ define forgiveness. I saved the following from a Web site awhile back:

"Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, *regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.*


Just as important as defining what forgiveness is, though, is understanding what forgiveness is not. Experts who study or teach forgiveness make clear that when you forgive, *you do not gloss over or deny the seriousness of an offense against you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, nor does it mean condoning or excusing offenses. Though forgiveness can help repair a damaged relationship,  it doesn’t obligate you to reconcile with the person who harmed you, or release them from legal accountability.*

Instead, forgiveness brings the forgiver peace of mind and frees him or her from corrosive anger. While there is some debate over whether true forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the offender, experts agree that it at least involves letting go of deeply held negative feelings. In that way, *it empowers you to recognize the pain you suffered without letting that pain define you, enabling you to heal and move on with your life.*

Forgiveness Definition | Greater Good

.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I'm not a forgiving person but I don't hold on to it. I just remove the person from my life and love myself. 

I have never understood why forgiving is a big deal. You either can or cannot. 

I love my children unconditionally and would forgive them but no one else who intentionally hurts me has a chance. 

I could not forgive a serial cheater who lied to me for years. I don't understand the benefit.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You are in a terrible situation.

Do you have only the one child? You only mentioned one on the trick or treat night.

Can you take your child and go see your family to get away from these two people?

It sounds like it is time to see an attorney. I do not see any changes until you make drastic changes.

You and your child or children deserve better. It will take something drastic to make any change occur.

Wish you and your child some happiness in the near future.

i so not see forgiveness without some positive changes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*When one commits adultery against ones spouse, they have summarily sinned not only against their spouse, but God himself!

Biblically speaking. in order for it to be fully forgiven, the act itself, as well as all of the sordid details of their infidelity must be confessed both before God as well as the spouse who it was committed against! If the betrayal is forgiven and fully accepted, God's standard is "to forgive and forget."

Conversely, man's standard is to ultimately forgive, but to always remember ~ so as to always remember what happened to them and to help insure that it never happens again!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

Thank you all for the input. It helps to have different points of view.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

lostagain! said:


> Is it really possibly to forgive those who have hurt you and broke you down?


Given remorse and remedy, absolutely.


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## lostagain! (Jul 31, 2012)

@Nobody special
What if they don't see they did anything wrong?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> I've been able to forgive my stepmother for years - decades, really - of psychological abuse. But that might have been because she was dying. And I have to admit that since she passed away last year, I have had some anger-filled thoughts of her, here and there.
> 
> I don't think it's a stretch to say I'll never forgive my ex for cheating on me, and then, as if that wasn't bad enough, *leaving me for her and now living happily ever after with her. * I feel like what used to be a soft heart is hard as a rock, now. I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns for what he's done to our family and the way he's gone about it.
> 
> Maybe it depends on the one doing (or not) the forgiving.



I think your head knows he is not living happily ever after (and won't) even if your heart feels that way right now. <3


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Forgiveness is an extremely difficult achievement, but one that is very freeing if you can come to that point. I was able to forgive my ex for cheating on me (and other things) only about 3 years after our divorce (and 5 years after it happened). That unfortunately opened the door (and possibly distorted my thinking/reasoning) to let him back into my life, and it blew up again earlier this year. It was even more traumatic the second time around. But, I can honestly say I'm coming to a place of letting go again. I'm not sure it's what I would call forgiveness this time, though. I truly just do not care about his life (much) and it's not affecting me. 

We're not still in a relationship, though, and I think that's huge. I struggled a LOT with forgiveness when we were together (the first time) and my marriage ulimately ended due to my inability to forgive him even though he was remorseful that time (but not this time). I filed for divorce.

If the offender is still repeating the same behaviors and you are still in relationship together, forgiveness is nearly impossible in my opinion. If there is true remorse, there really is power in being able to forgive. It's a really amazing feeling that's hard to explain. Freeing is really the only word I can think of.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

The minute I took forgiveness off the table is the minute I started feeling better. I think I have forgiven, but I don't really care if I have. I have very occasional bouts of anger. Time has helped a lot. But forgiveness - I just don't worry about it. What happened is unforgivable and unacceptable. But life goes on. It was a bad period of time. That's it. There are more good things about us together than bad. But I certainly don't dwell on what happened.

I don't believe in the forgiveness is setting yourself free thing. I was never a prisoner. I'll protect my heart and be as vulnerable as I can be. I have healed. It had nothing to do with forgiving him or myself, that is for sure.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not a big believer in forgiveness. Some things are too ****ty to ever forgive and infidelity is one of them. What I am a big believer in is moving past something. Forgiving yourself for being part of such a ****ty situation and moving forward.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

I think it is very, very difficult to heal and move on and forgive when you are constantly with the person who has hurt you so much.

Look at it at a very fundamental level. If you work with someone who's nasty and mean, that grates on you. The reason is because it's constantly in your face- you have to deal with it literally on a daily basis. Sometimes it affects you so much that your friends tell you "come on it's not that big a deal." And maybe it's not, but you wouldn't know because it's just grinding on you for all eternity. 

Every situation is different. People are different. There are some stories on this forum of people who have survived infidelity and they come out stronger than ever. But I would say usually... usually, there is a better chance of reconciliation if the two people go their separate ways. Say goodbye. They heal independently and meet again one day, they will have these distinct advantages:

1) They've healed and grown separately. 
2) They still retain the memories of their past, usually filtered into a very favorable manner. 

Just my two cents.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Gosh... Well the short answer is yes, you can and should forgive those who wrong you.

Why? And why is it that simple? You should do it for yourself first and foremost. When you haven't forgiven someone, you are essentially carrying around that emotional debt with you every day. It's just like a monetary debt. Imagine If you loan your best friend $1,000, or maybe you loan her your car and she wrecks it and it costs you $1,000 to fix. Maybe after a short while it's not a big deal, but in time, it lingers in your mind, and every time you are around that friend it is on your mind. It becomes awkward, and very frustrating for you. You stress over it, you try not to because you might value the friendship, but it would really bother you to no end that she isn't paying you back, that she doesn't respect you enough, doesn't care enough, etc. For your friend, she may have just forgotten about it, not considered it a big deal, etc. I promise you that it would bother you and bring you more stress and frustration than it does to her.

So not forgiving someone is actually just hurting yourself, so it's best to find forgiveness for your own sake if nothing else. The other reason is that this is an emotional debt, not a financial one, so ultimately they can't actually pay you back anyway. You can't be "made whole" by their actions. I suppose you could go cheat on your husband for 11 years, but that's not going to resolve anything. How do you find forgiveness? Ultimately I think the best way is to find a quiet space to think, then sit down and tell yourself (out loud if need be) that you forgive him for the pain he has caused you, for the emotional debt he has drawn from you, that you release that debt and he owes you nothing as it relates to that situation. Then anytime you feel that anger/frustration towards him or want to treat him a certain way because of it, you remind yourself that the debt has been forgiven.

As others have pointed out, this doesn't mean that you have to forget it. It doesn't mean that you go suddenly go back to being a happy blissful husband and wife. The past still needs addresses as far as how you will move forward in the future. If you are at the point of considering divorce (and I do think you should be considering it), then I would consider reading the book "Boundaries in Marriage" so that you can figure out and establish some healthy relational boundaries for yourself. It's really about YOUR boundaries, not his. What YOU are comfortable with and not. For instance, I'd say one boundary would be that you aren't going to allow your mother-in-law to live in your home with you any longer. It's not an unfair or unreasonable expectation. Ultimately, lay out your boundaries, your needs, your conditions for your husband so he can understand them and make choices of his own. Also, I'd suggest marriage counseling for both of you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

lostagain! said:


> Is it really possibly to forgive those who have hurt you and broke you down?


Yes it is. However, forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same. You can have one and not the other. That is my case.

I didn't R. Sometimes I think divorce made it easier to forgive as I just wanted to move forward with my life and coparent with her.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

HarryDoyle said:


> It all depends how _ *you*_ define forgiveness. I saved the following from a Web site awhile back:
> 
> "Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, *regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.*


I would love to release my feelings of resentment and vengeance towards my ex, because I feel like they are eating me alive.

I've consciuoisly, deliberately told myself on numerous occasions to just let it go.

But I can't. I don't think it is a conscious, deliberate decision. As someone else here said, you either can let it go, or you can't. It's really acceptance. And I don't think I can ever accept this. I'm trying to move on with my life, and I'm functioning reasonably well. I haven't missed a day of work over just being too sad or angry to go in and do my job.

I think you can move on, without acceptance. I hope so, anyway, because I don't see myself ever getting over the one person I trusted in my life betraying me.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Lostagain!,

I am a Christian man and I believe in forgiveness, but that is my belief. After reading your posts I am amazed you have stayed, what you have endured, and I'm not quite sure you notice that you are being abused. You have lost friends, your family will not visit, and your husband shamed you with your affair in Facebook. I say this gently, but do any of you understand what love and commitment are? 

How you have endured eleven years of cheating, I can't get over that alone. Your husband is verbally abusive, manipulative, and a shell of what a man is. Then you have his mother living with you and she blames her sons eleven year affair on you? You need to make changes and they needed to be made years ago. 

First, let me ask you, what is there to reconcile? You have both cheated, he is abusive, and he moves his family in and yours out of your life almost. Why stay together? I can't see your husband jumping up to help fix the marriage. Do you? It can't be fixed by one person, and even if your husband was remorseful he's still abusive. Can you see how long that will take to fix? 

Yes, you can forgive, it will take time, and I hope with the help of IC (which you need now) you can forgive for you. But before you try to tackle any issues with your marriage you need to fix yourself. You need to get your self esteem, confidence, self worth, pride, respect, and learn how to place values in your life. I say all of this gently, I'm sure you are in great pain and probably quite lost. So get IC and get yourself healthy, get IC for your children and get them healthy, then reassess your situation and continue from there.

Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> I would love to release my feelings of resentment and vengeance towards my ex, because I feel like they are eating me alive.
> 
> I've consciuoisly, deliberately told myself on numerous occasions to just let it go.
> 
> ...


I'm sure acceptance is very hard but getting rid of the pain would be worth it. Have you had counseling?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

My post is assuming that you know about the Christian faith and forgiveness. If I am wrong then you can stop here because my post will not help you IMO



> By Lost again
> Is it really possibly to forgive those who have hurt you and broke you down?


*YES*




> What if they don't see they did anything wrong?


*Your forgiveness is not dependent on the person that hurt you*. Yes it helps if the person falls on the ground begging for forgiveness but putting your emotional welfare in the hands of a proven betrayer is not wise. You cannot trust his/her remorse for your forgiveness. *Your forgiveness is dependent on you and your God ad is mostly for your benefit.*





> How do you truly forgive?


First understand and believe that forgiveness is mostly for your good and that you will be pleasing God and trusting that forgiveness will eventually give you more self-integrity and self-esteem. You must strive to believe that your forgiveness will eventually be rewarded by God because you cannot depend on anyone else to reward you because they are incapable.

Your emotions are severely damaged and you can use that hurt to motivate you to do everything you can for yourself and your children. Do not use that hurt to rehash how you have been done so wrong and you deserve justice in this world of unfairness. *Forgiveness is not about justice but about obeying God and grace*. You give the offended the gift of forgiveness so that you are free from hate, bitterness, and other negative emotions. You DO NOT have to give the offender reconciliation.

Your plan should be to totally focus on you building yourself back up because he has torn you down. Even if the plan will take years to complete; think of it this way; you will be 5 -10 years older with completing your plan of improvement or without improvement. *Which do you want?* Concentrate on you and your children WITHOUT any guilt or apologies. Of course I’m talking about building yourself up in the areas of self-integrity, self-respect, and your spiritual growth.

Other people can be of help but it is going to boil down to you and your God and the rest will just be supplements at best. Some things others cannot be a lot of help; some paths you have to walk by yourself. Yes others can be of help in other areas but the forgiveness part is mostly up to you.


What forgiveness did for me was to get me to a place that I have no hate, bitterness, revenge, etc. Secondly, I have been blessed by God. Thirdly, I got myself a lot more self-sufficient and can now live with her or without her without a lot of pain, that added security to my life; I can never be hurt that bad again. The last thing that I can think of is that I am very pleased with my life as I have a LOT of family members that have very close relationships with me. I no longer depend on my wife for 50% of my joy.

I still care and enjoy my wife but I am much more secure now that I am more self-sufficient.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Personally speaking, the Concept of forgiveness smacks too much of religion, to suit me. I am completely against organized religion, so anything that has it's roots there, is immediately suspect. Getting past infidelity is much more important and liberating than the idea of guilt and it's expiation.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> BY Rookie4
> Personally speaking, the Concept of forgiveness smacks too much of religion, to suit me. *I am completely against organized religion*, so anything that has it's roots there, is immediately suspect. Getting past infidelity is much more important and liberating than the* idea of guilt* and it's expiation.


*Forgiveness is much more than “organized religion” it is about faith in a God of love and obedience with actions and attitude changes by the one offended*. It is obvious that you do not understand, or chose to not understand, the Christian truths of forgiveness because you think it is the idea of guilt.

The OP asked “how do you truly forgive” but you gave the OP no answer but made your post about your personal negative thinking about religion. * You did not give the OP any steps or your successful experience with forgiveness. What help is that for the OP?*


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> *Forgiveness is much more than “organized religion” it is about faith in a God of love and obedience with actions and attitude changes by the one offended*. It is obvious that you do not understand, or chose to not understand, the Christian truths of forgiveness because you think it is the idea of guilt.
> 
> The OP asked “how do you truly forgive” but you gave the OP no answer but made your post about your personal negative thinking about religion. * You did not give the OP any steps or your successful experience with forgiveness. What help is that for the OP?*


I don't think you are the boss of me, eh, Blunt?:grin2: What I am trying to impart is that the OP should forget about the drama and work on getting past the crisis. "Christian Truths"? Who said? Blunt, you are both right and wrong. You are wrong about faith, but you are right about obedience. Christianity is all about obedience. The OP should work on his issues and the issues that lead to the infidelity in order to better his future. Smarmy gestures don't help.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

During my attempted reconciliation, my ex wife asked me at least a dozen times if I forgave her. Every time I said yes. Did I REALLY forgive her? I suppose so, but it really wasn't important to me. It's kind of like when your better half asks you if she looks fat in a pair of shorts. She might be as big as the ass end of a Buick, but if you are wise, you will tell her what she wants to hear. The same thing with forgiveness, just say yes....then go about the really important business of working past the cheating so everybody can have a healthy future.


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## cheatedonandmiserable (Oct 10, 2015)

What do you think helped you to heal?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> BY Rookie4
> personally speaking, the Concept of forgiveness smacks too much of religion, to suit me. I am completely against organized religion, so anything that has it's roots there, is immediately suspect. Getting past infidelity is much more important and liberating than the *idea of guil*t and it's expiation.
> 
> 
> ...



My statement about faith included faith in a God of love.

You know nothing or choose to be obstinate concerning Christian faith. *It is not by my words that faith is a faith in a loving God; it is clearly stated in the Christian Bible*. (see below)

The reason that I think you know nothing about the Christian faith is because John 3:16 (verse below) is one of the most quoted verses in all of Christianity. It makes it crystal clear, as the others do; that God is a God of love and that believe in Him is faith in a loving God.

John 3:16 
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 5:8 
But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us


Ephesians 2:8-9 
For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 





> By Rookie
> She might be as big as the ass end of a Buick, but if you are wise, you will tell her what she wants to hear. The same thing with forgiveness, just say yes...


I see that you finally answered the op on “how do you truly forgive”

*I would appreciate if you would stop addressing me or my faith and stick to the OP’s question.*


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> My statement about faith included faith in a God of love.
> 
> You know nothing or choose to be obstinate concerning Christian faith. *It is not by my words that faith is a faith in a loving God; it is clearly stated in the Christian Bible*. (see below)
> 
> ...


I would prefer it if you would stop attempting to give me orders. My comments were about forgiveness, in general, not about you or your belief system.. In point of fact , you called me out first, by name. BTW, if you ever want to discus the Bible, I would be glad to. I have read it about a dozen times, and find it a great book, though not the spoken word of the Almighty.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I tend to think of the ability to forgive a spouse for an A, as being akin to belief in religion.

Some can forgive.
Some can't.

And some are (metaphorically) agnostic; they're just not sure. 4 years in R and I can't say with certainty that I have forgiven my wife. Apparently for me, it's a work in progress.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Rookie*
> BTW, if you ever want to discuss the Bible, I would be glad to. I have read it about a dozen times, and find it a great book, though not the spoken word of the Almighty.


Rookie, 
I am not interested in discussing the Bible with you as we have nothing in common regarding the Bible.* I see the Bible as the guide for one’s spirituality and you call spirituality “CAT FOOD”*





The Op has asked


> By Lost again
> Is it really possibly to forgive those who have hurt you and broke you down?


I have accomplished forgiveness for the one that hurt me and broke me down and spirituality played a HUGE role. I have had a successful R for over 20 years so I wanted to share with the OP how you can forgive. *God is the author of forgiveness and healing.*


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Rookie,
> I am not interested in discussing the Bible with you as we have nothing in common regarding the Bible.* I see the Bible as the guide for one’s spirituality and you call spirituality “CAT FOOD”*
> 
> 
> ...


If you are going to quote me, do it right. I never said that religion was "cat food" what I said was "one man's tuna , is another man's cat food". 
I may be missing something here, but didn't you just say that YOU accomplished forgiveness. If God is the Author of forgiveness, what does that make you.....Godlike?
I think would be far better for the OP to work on his own self esteem issues, rebuild himself back up, and move forward, and let the cheater work on hers. Personally, OP, I think you would be better off having a positive attitude, than a sanctimonious one. A sense of self worth, instead of martyrdom.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Lostagain, I used to have a neighbor , whose wife was what they used to call a nymphomaniac, but now they call a sex addict. She was constantly going off with other men for weekends and longer. Every time, she would come back begging and he would forgive her, and he wore his sanctity like a badge of honor. Did it make her more faithful? No. Did it make him a better person? No. He was always holier than thou, and a grasping , miserly pri*k. Their kids were ashamed of both of them, and left as soon as they could. Both the man and his wife believed in forgiveness. It's too bad that they didn't believe in self improvement.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Yes it is. But you must remember that the person who broke you is not the one to fix you. Try get past that and as time passes you will think less about the incident that hurt you. Forgiveness is a choice and comes with much needed relief. Of course it will never excuse the perpetrators actions but you forgive them so you can be free.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

It is possible to forgive but good gravy you two are so very screwed up!

I think you both need to shape the hell up and start really working on yourselves and your marriage if you want to forgive.

Yeah, I know he has been a pathetic loser for much longer than you.

I honestly think you should get divorced because your marriage has been a big lie.

Look at yourself. Your H is a scumbag but you lowered yourself. You can't blame another dog for you crapping on the lawn.

I don't see your marriage as healthy at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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