# Lost and I don't know what to do.



## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

In December, my husband was discharged from the military. He was planned to move in with me immediately after. But before he actually left his base, he had found out that I had cheated on him. 

Although its only been a month or so, my paycheck alone is barely cutting it with all of the bills to include my own and his car payments, credit cards, cell phone, groceries. I'm the only one paying for anything. 

He says that because I hurt him the way that I did, he doesn't want to do anything but lay in bed, smoke pot, and play video games all day every day. 

I've been borrowing small amounts of money from my parents to make it by, giving him time to settle in here and cope with all the radical emotions flying around. But that money is starting to add up and they are becoming more frustrated with him for not trying to help out on any level. 

I don't know how long is acceptable to give him to be able to find a job, but its coming down to the fact that he HAS to, or we wont be able to pay for everything. 

Whenever I bring it up, he states that he didn't ask for this. I was the one that put him in this position. And if he would have known that I had cheated on him, he never would have left the military. 

My thoughts are that, even if I hadn't cheated, he would still be here and out of the military. So how long would it have taken him to be motivated to find a job then? My guess is that it would have been almost exactly the same, just with less arguing and tears. 

I just need some advice. I'm at a loss. My parents, his parents. Everyone has tried to talk some sense into him. To no avail.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Think I remember your story. You're the one in the military too right? I'm not sure what your cheating has to do with him being a deadbeat. That just sounds like a convienent excuse. Even the guys here who have been cheated on still work. Or at the very least try to find it if they're not or need to.

Are your finances seperated? I'd move out and stop paying for any of his bills/finances and take care of your own. He's going to keep living off of you as long as you and your parents keep supporting him. Your cheating on him is it's own seperate issue.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

My parents, as well as his, and myself all agree with that. His mom has been through just as many if not more marital issues worse that this, and she didn't use it as an excuse to not get up and go to work in the morning or take care of her children or the home. 

It wouldn't be as big of a deal if he would pick up around the house while I'm at work. But even today, a Saturday, I had to work a full 8 hour day and simply asked him to pick up a little bit. And I came home to him asleep at 3:30 PM. 

I'm worried that if I was to move out or leave, he would accuse me of giving up and blame me for a failed marriage. Every time I bring up a job in anyway, he brings back that I cheated.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have kids? If not then you really should move on. He apparently doesn't want to do anything but waste away playing video games and using pot. 

It's illegal where you are right? Do you use pot too? Where is the OM? Are you in love with the OM? Either way no good will come of this. 

NO ONE - not you, his parents, the law - no one can make him do what he doesn't want to do. Apparently your cheating doesn't have much to do with his decision to bum around the house.

See a lawyer and seek a legal separation. Pay your own way and see if THAT will get him off the dime.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Annnnnnd if he blames you? So what!! It may or may not be true - but really who cares?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I couldn't imagine the devastation I would feel if my spouse cheated on me. Perhaps hes' in an emotional rut and is afraid that it would show in public. He should probably get out of the house gradually to build his confidence or get some counseling to overcome his pain. 

I would have a sit down with him and express your understanding of the pain you have caused. People get over things on their own terms. He may need you to build trust, you may have to go above and beyond to get it back. 

Resentment and anger towards him is not going to motivate him to change. He may feel that you are asking him to change for you..and why should he? He needs to feel that the change is for him? Be positive about it, make it sound wonderful and good for him.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

> It wouldn't be as big of a deal if he would pick up around the house while I'm at work. But even today, a Saturday, I had to work a full 8 hour day and simply asked him to pick up a little bit. And I came home to him asleep at 3:30 PM.


That's not acceptable. That's just being lazy.



> I'm worried that if I was to move out or leave, he would accuse me of giving up and blame me for a failed marriage. Every time I bring up a job in anyway, he brings back that I cheated.


He has no job. He's not trying to get one. He sits around the house doing nothing, smoking pot, and then blames it on you regarding an unrelated issue. You cheated so he's not going to work or try to find a job? Really?? Is this dude 12?

Not saying that what you did wasn't wrong (and from your past posts you already know this), but what you did is NOT an excuse for his present behavior. All you can do is take responsibility for what you've done. You can't be responsible for him sitting on his ass living off you and your parents. Nor should you feel obligated to.

I stand by my earlier recommendation. Move out or stay with someone else if possible, stop paying any bills you aren't liable for, and hope that forces him to get his **** together. If the marriage fails that won't be 100% on you.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Do you have kids? If not then you really should move on. He apparently doesn't want to do anything but waste away playing video games and using pot.
> 
> It's illegal where you are right? Do you use pot too? Where is the OM? Are you in love with the OM? Either way no good will come of this.
> 
> ...



We do not have kids. No, I don't use pot. I am still employed by the military. 

He thinks it's unfair that he got out of the military and walked in to this, "it's not what I signed up for". And expects that I should be willing to give up my job to make him happy. But right now, my job is the only thing keeping food on the table.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

There is no contact between the OM and myself whats so ever. Apart that we do work on the same base. But day to day communication is very limited. All of our supervisors know about what happened and try to keep us separated as much as possible.

I have no desire to speak with the OM at all.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

In a nut shell, if a man wants something, he gets it. You cheated on him, he no longer wants you, if he did he'd make damn sure he did everything he could to make a life for you both.
If you loved him, you would have never slept around.
Figure out what love is before you find a new Bo,
Mouse


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

What have your parents and his parents given you in terms of advice??


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Mousie said:


> ... "it's not what I signed up for"....


I'm not belittling you or your husband but gawd dang this made me laugh. 

NO ONE who is married for any period of time says "this is exactly what I signed up for!" No one I know, anyway. 

You are being manipulated. Yeah, you cheated and that's* no small thing *in a marriage. But sarge, _you don't have a marriage. _

Tell me this mousie, IF he said "let's go our separate ways" - you could do it right? Sad maybe, but you could do it. 

Guess what? He is saying exactly that. But he's having a free ride while he can. He's letting the debt pile up then wooosh. Gone in 60 seconds.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

My parents have basically told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Take care of the bills that I can. And continue building a solid foundation for myself, whether that be with or without him.

My dad has started talking about exit plans. Like putting the cars in storage where he can't get to them, in case he gets a wild hair and decides to take off in a car that i'm paying for. 

They think that if things don't begin to change quickly it's probably best that I plan to leave.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Mousie said:


> My parents have basically told me to keep doing what I'm doing. Take care of the bills that I can. And continue building a solid foundation for myself, whether that be with or without him.
> 
> My dad has started talking about exit plans. Like putting the cars in storage where he can't get to them, in case he gets a wild hair and decides to take off in a car that i'm paying for.
> 
> They think that if things don't begin to change quickly it's probably best that I plan to leave.


Honestly based on how the marriage sounds like it's been going leaving might be best for the both of you. You're what 19 or 20 right? You still have plenty of time to learn from the mistakes you've made, not make them again, and have a better marriage the 2nd time around. You're young enough to build a solid foundation for yourself, but your marriage's foundation I think is pretty much broken already.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

How long ago was this affair ? How long did it last before you got caught ?

My comments would be based on those responses.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> How long ago was this affair ? How long did it last before you got caught ?
> 
> My comments would be based on those responses.


The affair was between October and November about 2 months long. Never had sex at all. It was over before my husband knew about it. But I still admitted to everything when confronted.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Mousie said:


> The affair was between October and November about 2 months long. Never had sex at all. It was over before my husband knew about it. But I still admitted to everything when confronted.


Never had sex? So it was an EA.

Look, I'm not usually supportive of a cheater and I might cut some slack for the BS while they deal with it ... but in this case you know you were in the wrong and he is a loser ... I don't think it would be of any benefit to sugar coat that. A real man might struggle but still try to take care of his responsibilities, he isn't even trying. You guys are young but he doesn't seem to have realized he is an adult with adult responsibilities. You need to take responsibility for your future, make a tough decision and take action on it. Leaving him may be the best thing for you but it also may serve as a wake-up call for him. It sounds like he as at the point that only a hard wake-up call is going to force him to make the changes he needs to make in his life. You WILL recover. There is a better life out there for you, I promise.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

Today, my husband and I fought. I gave him an ultimatum that he needs to find a job by the end of the month or I need him to leave. 

He reacted by punching and kicking the walls and drove off in the truck that I am paying for and that is in my name. 

He just came home after being gone for almost an hour because he thinks his hand is broken.


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## Mousie (Jan 29, 2013)

How can I leave or tell him to leave? Now i'm afraid of what he might do to me, or my stuff, or even himself?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

If you're afraid you're in danger you need to pack a bag with necessities, anything of value you can get, take YOUR truck and leave. You have anywhere you can go? Parents' place? A friend's place?

You should probably tell his parents how he's acting as well. I'd also get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you at all times when you're around him.


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