# his temper keeps hindering us healing



## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

It has been just over a month since it all came out. Since then he's been doing a lot to make it work _for the main part._ What i mean is he'll be really lovely and considerate. But then, it seems at least 1-2 times a week, I become a victim to his temper again. It happened on Thursday night when he was drunk and it just happened now (and when he's drinking again). The time before that was the Friday of the previous week when he yelled at me for an hour straight and said he was thinking of leaving. Then he left with me in tears. 

Just now it was because he expressed something to me, and I said i thought what he was saying was unfair. He got really agressive. I asked him what he needed and he said 'GET OUT OF MY FACE'. Then he told me 'WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO SHUT YOU UP'. I was crying and crying but he just kept yelling at me. 

I told him what does all the good stuff he does matter if he does this so often. I told him I want to have a home where I am not subject to this so often. I know couples fight but this is not normal. I am sick of being the victim of this stupid temper. He needs to express his anger in a way that isn't so destructive. Why doesn't he understand it is like taking 1 step forward and 5 steps backwards in our reconcilliation and healing. I have told him if he is mad he needs to express it WITHOUT being like this. When he gets angry like this, I feel really frightened and alone. It's terrifying enouigh having moved countries for this person without feeling like suddenly my only friend is gone, or worse hates me and home is no longer safe. I am sick of this healing keeping on being interupted because he sometimes finds it hard to express anger without being really destructive. 

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Advice maybe or understanding. I mean ffs, we are trying to heal. How am I supposed to feel safe with someone who is lovely-lovely-lovely then BAM! they smack me in the face (not literally). It's like...I never know when the next big one is coming, I only know if it's been more than 3-5 days, you can bet it will be soon.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Last night, soon after I posted this, I told him how I felt. He got really mad and was frightening me. I tried to get away into another room but he followed me and blocked me in. Then when I tried to get out he grabbed me and held me there. I was screaming for him to get off me and he finally did. I ran out of the house. He yelled after me in a sarcastic nasty voice 'I dont know where you think you're going'.

I came back about 5-10 mins later and asked him to just leave me alone; I was crying and shaky. He was really moody. He wanted to say all the things he was pissed off about. I listened and apologised. But when it came to what he just did to me, he kept referring back to the times I have been physically violent with him. Only once did I see genuine remorse and apology. Then in the bathroom I showed him my arm where he hurt me. He suddenly wasn't remorseful anymore; instead he just got annoyed that I wasn't giving due consideration to the fact that HIS arm was hurt too. I explained there is a difference between me being hurt because I was trying to get away and him being hurt because he was trying to restrain me.

This morning I told him I was scared and shaky and he told me that was 'mental'. The reason being he said he hurt me far more last week when he grabbed my wrists to 'restrain' me and yet I didn't get so scared over that. I did get scared actually, I came home that night crying and throwing up. However that time he threatened to leave me which was FAR MORE scary than him grabbing me. I was scared last week if I called him on grabbing me he would decide I'm too much bother.

I'm so confused guys. I get that this healing takes work and he has his needs too, but surely this isn't OK. He said he was sorry he grabbed me too but then he says things like I'm mental and is very impatient when I say something; he can get nasty and sarcastic. It's like I'm playing a game where I don't know the rules and I'm losing. I wish he could just tell me what's going on; when he's mad he'll often lose his temper and then 'resist' conversationn about what's wrong. He can also treat what I say like it's nothing...like this morning I asked him to stop being nasty. He rolled his eyes and said 'NASTY' in a sarcastic patronising voice.

I don't understand. Why can't he just reply and tell me what's wrong like 'I'm sorry I am being nasty...I feel frustrated because iof X'. 

I love him dearly. I just want these mood swings to stop. On Friday and all weekend he was being wonderful...now he's acting like I'm something gross on the bottom of his shoe again. 

Please help me.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

I don't get it! He is the one acting mental! It is not mental to be scared and shaky when your spouse has laid hands on you...it IS mental to act loving and caring then act so scary!

Also, he keeps saying this line about how he wont be bullied or intimidated by me. But I am not doing that! Doesn't he see that HE is being the bully?! I show one small expression of anger...and suddenly he yells at me and won't stop even though I am crying and shaking. He somehow has it in his head that I am trying to bully and intimidate him...yet I am the one who is scared of his temper!

I USED to be bullying, yes. But I have not been like that for many months. I hate that he can't see that. I hate that he calls ME MENTAL then has massive moodswings himself. I hate that he stands up and says he won't be bullied, when what he does is HE is the bully! And I hate that he won't own this behaviour. I don't want to be treated like this! I want a peaceful happy home! I don't want there to be another big crisis every few days which culminates in him yelling and me afraid! 

I AM NOT MENTAL FOR BEING AFRAID AND SHAKY! TO SAY I AM TOTALLY DISREGARDS WHAT HE HAS PUT ME THROUGH THE LAST FEW MONTHS SINCE I MOVED TO ENGLAND!! I need a CONTINUAL period of happiness and NOT being a victim of his temper to heal! I cannot heal if he loses his cool and uses me as an emotional punching bag every few days / week!

Really upset here


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Xena, the truth is your relationship is really really bad. I do not believe it will get better. if he cannot even apologize and own his behaviour and feel remorse for what he has done, then it's even worse. 

He is being abusive. You are in an abusive relationship, with a guy who has treated you very poorly, and has alcohol abuse problems.

I know you dreamed of something different with him, but it's not the reality of your situation. You don't want to leave because you keep hoping you will have the life he promised you. This is not going to happen.

Please leave.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

I am all for someone trying to work it out (but understand if one can't thanks to my own doubts even trying) but Syrum hit it on the head. Being angry, or having a temper is one thing. Getting abusive and crazy is another. I think its time to jet. I get angry and short all th time right now (mostly when it comes to money because that was hit super, super hard after finding out) but I don't get even close to that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are in an abusive relationship.

That is not ok. 



Xena said:


> It's like I'm playing a game where I don't know the rules and I'm losing..


You can't win the game when the other person is cheating and knows all the cards.



Xena said:


> I wish he could just tell me what's going on; when he's mad he'll often lose his temper and then 'resist' conversationn about what's wrong. He can also treat what I say like it's nothing...like this morning I asked him to stop being nasty. He rolled his eyes and said 'NASTY' in a sarcastic patronising voice.
> 
> I don't understand. Why can't he just reply and tell me what's wrong like 'I'm sorry I am being nasty...I feel frustrated because iof X'.
> 
> ...


Oh man this just took me down memory lane. This sounds so much like my marriage. 

Thing is, he will not own his actions until he wants to. And that happy/mad thing/hot & cold is the way he operates--classic for someone like him. Next time he tells you he is leaving, tell him that is fine, that you won't stop him. YOu need to get counselling and decide what you are going to do. Abusers rarely change. They get worse over time.


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

I agree with Jellybeans. 

It seems like he may be testing his limits, hence why he brings up things you have done in the past and says that he got hurt in the process as well.

I wouldn't suggest staying any longer. Next time something like that happens call someone to come get you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Xena said:


> He is the one acting mental! ... it IS mental to act loving and caring then act so scary!


Xena, the behaviors you are describing -- abusive, self-destructive, impulsive, emotionally unstable, black-white thinking -- sounds like the strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. Whether those traits are sufficiently strong to meet the diagnostic criteria for "having BPD" is a determination only a professional can make. When the traits are at a strong level, however, it is not difficult to spot them. I therefore encourage you to read more about BPD to see if the associated traits sound familiar to what you've observed.


> How am I supposed to feel safe with someone who is lovely-lovely-lovely then BAM! they smack me in the face (not literally). It's like...I never know when the next big one is coming.


Xena, that's the way life is when you are living with a BPDer (i.e., someone with strong BPD traits). You never know what comment or action will trigger the next release of the enormous anger he has been carrying inside since early childhood. This is why the most popular book targeted to the non-BPD partners is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells." If you stay with him, you likely will be walking on eggshells the rest of your life.


> He has massive mood swings.


When folks mention "mood swings," what they usually are referring to are the gradual changes in mood that you see resulting from gradual changes in body chemistry -- as occurs in bipolar disorder. What you are describing, however, is not such a swing because it does not take two weeks to gradually build up. Instead, your BF is flipping -- within 15 seconds -- from adoring you to hating you. This ability to flip from one state (treating you lovingly) to its polar opposite (treating you with contempt and abuse) is a hallmark of BPD. It is called "all-or-nothing" thinking. 

This black-white view of other people occurs because the person's emotional development was frozen at age 3 or 4, preventing him from integrating the good and bad aspects of his personality into a unified self image. Instead, the BPDer perceives of himself -- and other people -- as being "all good" or "all bad." The result is that a BPDer will reclassify a person from one extreme ("all good") to the other within a few seconds based on a comment or action. That is, there is no middle ground -- no gray area -- in which to classify a person.

One reason that the emotional development is frozen at an early age is believed to be heredity. Another reason apparently is abandonment or abuse occurring before age five, interfering with the emotional development. Indeed, a recent study of nearly 35,000 adults found that 70% of the BPDers reported having been abused or abandoned in early childhood. (How early was the sexual abuse that occurred in your BF's childhood?) The result is that the BPDer
never learned to regulate his emotions, preventing him from controlling his impluses. This would explain, for example, why your BF does not control his drinking and online sexual activitiy.


> Doesn't he see that HE is being the bully?! I hate that he won't own this behaviour.


BPDers hate themselves and live in fear that others will find out what they are truly like. Hence, the last thing they want to learn is one more thing to add to the list of things they hate about themselves. Moreover, due to their painful childhoods, they continue thinking of themselves as victims throughout their lives. Hence, another hallmark of BPD is the unwillingness to accept responsibility for his own actions. Instead, he will project these failings onto you, blaming you for everything.


> It's like I'm playing a game where I don't know the rules and I'm losing. I wish he could just tell me what's going on


If your BF is a BPDer, he is emotionally unstable and doesn't really know what's "going on." Indeed, BPDers have such a weak, unstable sense of who they are that they do not know what they will want next week. They therefore are very reactive to what is going on at the moment.


> I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Advice maybe or understanding.


Xena, I suggest that you read my several posts in GTRR's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Those posts describe what it is like to live with typical BPDer behavior. They also provide links to excellent articles written by professionals. If these descriptions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss it further with you here in your thread. Take care.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ 
Very good response.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Read the book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. You may be able to get it at your library. I think you will find it very helpful.

He could have BPD. Or he could just be a plain old emotional abuser.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Xena~

My guess would be that not once in your life have you thought to yourself that "having a temper" is abuse. After all, it's only words and not as if he's balling up his fist and punching you. However, rather than speak to you and try to explain what verbal abuse is...I would like to refer you to a website and just have you take a look at it: Welcome to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Site Specifically, look at this page Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse which tells you some of the signs of verbal and emotional abuse. For folks who are reading along, here is the checklist:

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:

Does your partner...


ignore your feelings? 
disrespect you? 
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor? 
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection? 
give you the silent treatment? 
walk away without answering you? 
criticize you, call you names, yell at you? 
humiliate you privately or in public? 
roll his or her eyes when you talk? 
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family? 
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you you are too sensitive? 
hurt you especially when you are down? 
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? 
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason? 
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you? 
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her? 
 threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? 
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded? 
ever threaten to hurt you or your family? 
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"? 
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure? 
promise to never do something hurtful again? 
harass you about imagined affairs? 
manipulate you with lies and contradictions? 
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? 
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen? 
make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then? 
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame? 
try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely. 
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe. 
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality. 
You doubt your own judgment. 
You doubt your abilities. 
You feel vulnerable and insecure. 
You are becoming increasingly depressed. 
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. 
You have been or are afraid of your partner. 
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great list. My stbx hits on all except 3 of them. Wow.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

I just want to thank everyone who posted. It's really hard to reply at the moment because I feel so upset, overwhelmed and drained. But I am taking the replies in. Thank you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Xena, I really hope you are OK.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

I'm not ok. This morning I told him I'm scared and don';t feel comfortable with him touching me or being naked with him. There was a long pause then he said this was hard to hear. I said it's not about him. He said 'fine, I'll leave you alone then' and went to walk out the room. I told him not to play the poor me card. In the kitchen he wouldn't say much about how I felt, just he felt sad that i was scared.

Then he got really mad when I pushed to see that he got how I felt, not just how HE felt. He said all these '****ers' think they know what's best for him and he got really mad. I told him he's not acting right. I know others close to him think the same. He got more mad. Then he got upset and cried. I told him I'd try to hear what he felt but not under the banner of 'there's something wrong with him' because he feels he's being pathologised.

After he went to work I called him on his way. I asked if he'd cheated on me again, he said no. I said he acted this mad before when he was feeling guilty. He said he was mad because I pushed him for an answer and he can't handle big issues when he just woke up. I feel like I have to follow all these rules to get emotional care from him, but he feels like I don't care about HIM?!

Then I asked if it would be better if we lived apart next year. He said if that happens I can pay for it. I explained we signed the new lease (starts July 2011) under false pretenses because I didn't know about all his cheating then. Morally I feel if I signed under false pretenses HE should wear any cost. He INSISTED he'd told me EVERYTHING at the time of signing, 2 weeks later it all came out. He just kept yelling 'NO YOU PAY FOR IT'. Then he told me he had to hang up and go to work. Then he hung up.

I'm a mess here.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that. I really think some space from him might be good. I think your self esteem is very low right now because of the things he has done, and you need some time in order to feel really good about your self again before you decide if the relationship is worth it.

I hope you take good care of your self.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Thank you Syrum. I sent you a friend request because you seem really nice. The thing is...our love, our relationship used to be ...the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I know that's still there, somewhere. I have the past as proof. I just want it BACK to paradise, you know? You don't have to reply, it just helps to have this place to put my thoughts and feelings down.

I think I know in a way why he's reacted to badly. Partly I scared him with the financial thing, just dropping it on him before he walked into work. It's like there's this big communication gap and everything gets scrambled and lost between us. He's dealing with big issues too here. I'm not saying what he's done is OK, but I don't want to demonise him. He's got a lot of **** going on for him too. I know under all the **** he's a good person, even if he DOES have emotional problems, or even if he DOES have some disorder (which I doubt, because in times where things are going well he DOESNT act like this...wouldnt someone with a disorder act out all the time?)

I think he's not coping well though. I hate the effect it's having on me.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

Last night he said he realised he wasn't ok, and he was behaving like someone who wasn't ok. It was a breakthrough for me.

Finally we had an evening and a morning of not fighting. Such a relief.

We have our couples' counselling appointment tonight. It feels like the bright spot on the horizon that's kept me going.

I've told him I'm going to bring up all his behaviour, and how it's been affecting me.

Please, pray for me tonight...for us. Please...send us love and light. 

Xena.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Good luck Xena. I am thinking about you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Praying for and thinking about you.
Your husband is an abuser. Counseling will only work if he WANTS to change and if he truly believes he has a problem.
I hate to sound like a debbie downer, but these types of people rarely change.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Xena said:


> I know under all the **** he's a good person, even if he DOES have emotional problems, or even if he DOES have some disorder (which I doubt, because in times where things are going well he DOESNT act like this...wouldnt someone with a disorder act out all the time?)


No, a man with strong BPD traits would not act out all the time. During the honeymoon phase, a BPDer will idealize you and therefore will not fear abandonment or engulfment -- his two greatest fears. Moreover, if he is in England while you are in Australia, he may be able to extend the honeymoon idealization period beyond its usual six months.

Even after the honeymoon period ends, a BPDer will not act out all the time. As I explained earlier, he will flip back and forth between splitting you white (i.e., adoring you) and splitting you black (i.e., demeaning and devaluing you). That is the black-white thinking I wrote about. Significantly, when the times are good, a BPDer will treat you better than any other man has ever done -- because he is idealizing you and adoring you. This is why it is so very very difficult to remove yourself from the toxic relationship -- you'll become addicted to those wonderful, passionate good times (even though they will become further and further apart).

Moreover, if the BPDer is high functioning (as most are), he likely will consistently treat strangers and business colleagues very well. Indeed, it is common for many BPDers to show great generosity and kindness to casual friends and complete strangers -- and then go home that same day and be abusive to their loved ones. They are able to be so kind to those other people because they pose no threat of abandonment (there is no love relationship to be abandoned) and no threat of engulfment (there is no emotional closeness to suffocate them).

Lord help those folks, however, if they ever make the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. When they try to be a close friend, they will start triggering one of those two fears -- and thus will see the dark side of the person for the first time, as you have on many occassions.

Finally, I note that "being a good person" does not mean he cannot have strong BPD traits. BPDers are not bad people. Rather, they are sick, unstable people who are burdened with a disorder I would not wish on my worst enemy.


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