# New member struggling with life need advice



## Eagles0025

Hi all, I’m a new member struggling with life. My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me. We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight. Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine. She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things over shadowed that.. turns out I was wrong and now she wants to leave. I begged and she left the house and told me she needed space to think, I was able to get a counseling appointment scheduled for us which she attended today., but said she wasn’t sure about future appointments.. I am so lost and I love her and the thought of losing her kills me.. so I have any hope to save my marriage?


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## StillSearching

Eagles0025 said:


> Hi all, I’m a new member struggling with life. My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me. We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight. Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine. She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things over shadowed that.. turns out I was wrong and now she wants to leave. I begged and she left the house and told me she needed space to think, I was able to get a counseling appointment scheduled for us which she attended today., but said she wasn’t sure about future appointments.. I am so lost and I love her and the thought of losing her kills me.. so I have any hope to save my marriage?


read....
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

sooner than later....


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## MattMatt

Eagles0025 said:


> Hi all, I’m a new member struggling with life. My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me. We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight. *Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine.* She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things over shadowed that.. turns out I was wrong and now she wants to leave. I begged and she left the house and told me she needed space to think, I was able to get a counseling appointment scheduled for us which she attended today., but said she wasn’t sure about future appointments.. I am so lost and I love her and the thought of losing her kills me.. so I have any hope to save my marriage?


Why on earth would you do such a dastardly thing? 

You need counselling to fix you, to be perfectly honest.


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## 3Xnocharm

Give her the space she needs. If you go into over clingy mode, she is going to reject the hell out of you. Why did you think it was ok to treat her the way you did? She has no reason to think that it will change going forward.


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## x598

Eagles0025 said:


> Hi all, I’m a new member struggling with life. My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me. We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight. Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine. She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things over shadowed that.. turns out I was wrong and now she wants to leave. I begged and she left the house and told me she needed space to think, I was able to get a counseling appointment scheduled for us which she attended today., but said she wasn’t sure about future appointments.. I am so lost and I love her and the thought of losing her kills me.. so I have any hope to save my marriage?


how long did you date before marriage? did she complain to you of those things then? was she happy with you "the way you were" before marriage?

I ask these things because when a relationship sours.....one spouses complaints with the other can become over the top or amplified way out of proportion. around here it is called history re-writing. think long and hard and honestly ask yourself who has changed in the relationship….you or her?


begging her to stay makes you look WEAK in her eyes. don't do it. "space" to think is often code word for distance from you so I can go run hog wild and do whatever/whomever I wish.


do you have children together?


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## MattMatt

x598 said:


> how long did you date before marriage? did she complain to you of those things then? was she happy with you "the way you were" before marriage?
> 
> I ask these things because when a relationship sours.....one spouses complaints with the other can become over the top or amplified way out of proportion. around here it is called history re-writing. think long and hard and honestly ask yourself who has changed in the relationship….you or her?
> 
> 
> begging her to stay makes you look WEAK in her eyes. don't do it. "space" to think is often code word for distance from you so I can go run hog wild and do whatever/whomever I wish.
> 
> 
> do you have children together?


He has admitted that he lied to her, goading her about a weight problem that did not exist.

There was reinventing in this marriage, but not by the wife it seems to me.


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## Lila

Eagles0025 said:


> Hi all, I’m a new member struggling with life. My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me. We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. *I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight. Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine. She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... *sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things over shadowed that.. turns out I was wrong and now she wants to leave. I begged and she left the house and told me she needed space to think, I was able to get a counseling appointment scheduled for us which she attended today., but said she wasn’t sure about future appointments.. I am so lost and I love her and the thought of losing her kills me.. so I have any hope to save my marriage?


Forget marriage counseling. You need individual counseling to work through your family of origin issues regarding your inability to say "I love you" to your wife. You also need to figure out why you kept pestering your wife about her weight when even you recognize her weight is fine. These are not marital issues. These are YOUR issues.


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## Lila

MattMatt said:


> He has admitted that he lied to her, goading her about a weight problem that did not exist.
> 
> There was reinventing in this marriage, but not by the wife it seems to me.



Ding, ding, ding! Could not agree more.


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## anchorwatch

Eagles0025 said:


> Hi all, I’m a new member struggling with life. My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me.
> 
> Blindsided, bull dip! She's been telling you for quite some time, you didn't care enough to take it seriously.
> 
> We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight.
> 
> No excuse! She's not your mother, she's your wife and lover.
> 
> Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine. She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things overshadowed that.. turns out I was wrong and now she wants to leave.
> 
> So you were not only insensitive to her needs, you called her fat too! What did you think would come of that?
> 
> I begged and she left the house and told me she needed space to think, I was able to get a counseling appointment scheduled for us which she attended today., but said she wasn’t sure about future appointments.. I am so lost and I love her and the thought of losing her kills me.. so I have any hope to save my marriage?


You killed your marriage, save yourself. Take the time and learn how to be a better man. Learn how a real marriage works. Leave your wife alone to heal. Most of all, respect her decisions. 


Best

BTW, how old are you?


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## x598

MattMatt said:


> He has admitted that he lied to her, goading her about a weight problem that did not exist.
> 
> There was reinventing in this marriage, but not by the wife it seems to me.


maybe...….but it seems odd to me that after only one post, and certainly only one side of the story, posters here have already tried and convicted the guy.

seen way too many times here where as the story unfolds it takes different and unexpected turns. I will never judge so rashly after a single post.


way more information is needed.


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## BluesPower

x598 said:


> maybe...….but it seems odd to me that after only one post, and certainly only one side of the story, posters here have already tried and convicted the guy.
> 
> seen way too many times here where as the story unfolds it takes different and unexpected turns. I will never judge so rashly after a single post.
> 
> way more information is needed.


You know, what you say does happen. No doubt. 

However, in this case, a guy that does not say "I love you" to his wife because of FOO issue of whatever kind. And then criticizes he weight even when he knows that she is fine????? WTF? 

By his own admission he is a moron about marriage and women in general. 

Yeah, we would need more information in order to help him find the right kind of therapist ASAP... 

Other than that, I think we can figure out why she left. And even if she is already having an affair, I mean do you blame her that much???


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## x598

BluesPower said:


> You know, what you say does happen. No doubt.
> 
> However, in this case, a guy that does not say "I love you" to his wife because of FOO issue of whatever kind. And then criticizes he weight even when he knows that she is fine????? WTF?
> 
> By his own admission he is a moron about marriage and women in general.
> 
> Yeah, we would need more information in order to help him find the right kind of therapist ASAP...
> 
> Other than that, I think we can figure out why she left. And even if she is already having an affair, I mean do you blame her that much???


couple things come to mind. Lets assume the not saying I love you is accurate. are you going to believe that in the beginning he did/did not say this....as its obviously NOW become a big deal.....and yet she married him anyway? my inclination is males "don't change" and he probably treated her the same way in the beginning, and that was good enough for her to marry him.

funny you mention her having an affair... I wasn't going to go there without more info....but since you brought it up....yeah I DO blame her for having an affair (if she is) because we have all seen the blame shifting and everything else that goes with it. So before he falls own his own sword, there are too many questions to be answered before chopping him to pieces and pass judgement.

im not trying to give this guy a pass or stick up for him and maybe he does deserve being walked out on. but with such limited information....im just not ready to say his deserves what seems to be coming his way.


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## BluesPower

x598 said:


> couple things come to mind. Lets assume the not saying I love you is accurate. are you going to believe that in the beginning he did/did not say this....as its obviously NOW become a big deal.....and yet she married him anyway? my inclination is males "don't change" and he probably treated her the same way in the beginning, and that was good enough for her to marry him.
> 
> funny you mention her having an affair... I wasn't going to go there without more info....but since you brought it up....yeah I DO blame her for having an affair (if she is) because we have all seen the blame shifting and everything else that goes with it. So before he falls own his own sword, there are too many questions to be answered before chopping him to pieces and pass judgement.
> 
> im not trying to give this guy a pass or stick up for him and maybe he does deserve being walked out on. but with such limited information....im just not ready to say his deserves what seems to be coming his way.


Well, if you read his opening post, and if we are supposed to believe what people write, then he said it himself. 



> We have had problems for years of her needing to hear the words “I love you” more often. I come from a family background where those words were never said so to me they don’t have weight. Also I have become overly critical of my wife and her weight even though her weight is fine. She has asked me numerous times to both say I love you more and not pester her about weight... sadly I never gave her what she asked bc I just thought they were small items and other positive things over shadowed that...


So, yeah, I am going with my first post. 

And she would not be the first person that thinks someone can change going into a marriage.

I also suspect that his FOO issues are way more than not "saying" I love you. I am guessing that it was a real up tight household, with little affection and love shown between anyone.


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## Yeswecan

Simple requests from your W. Wonder what happens when other requests come up. Like, can you cut the lawn today. Well, your W has detached. Very hard to get that back because it takes actions and time showing your actions have staying power. Talk is talk. Go to IC and work on yourself. Really, cracking on someone's weight is not conducive obtaining a good relationship or friendship for that matter. 

Further, if you have troubles saying I love you because hit does not hold water, ask yourself, do you really love your W?


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## x598

if someone called you over weight...but in reality you have a "normal" (define that nowadays) body....not super man/woman body but just in "good" shape......what would your reaction be? pissed off? confused? offended? To me, if someone called me fat, but in reality I wasn't....I would scratch my head and say, huh?

in the OP's words. she asked "numerous times" for him to stop doing that. OK fine. so like 3 or 4 times over a year and then get handed divorce papers over it? again.....doesn't make sense to me ESPECIALLY since in reality she isn't over weight. I cant understand being divorce level offended over being called something that isn't accurate.

back to the not saying "I love you thing" (to which we don't have an answer if it was this way before marriage)….he also pointed out there were other positive acts done...yet the infamous few words here seem to be the deal breaker that again warrant divorce papers.


there has to be WAYYYYY more to this story. affair? maybe. is the guy just a complete jerk and deserves this? maybe. but until I hear more form the OP im going to see where this goes before frying the guy. just think you may all have another chance to tell me how wrong I was.


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## x598

Yeswecan said:


> Simple requests from your W. Wonder what happens when other requests come up. Like, can you cut the lawn today. Well, your W has detached. Very hard to get that back because it takes actions and time showing your actions have staying power. Talk is talk. Go to IC and work on yourself. Really, cracking on someone's weight is not conducive obtaining a good relationship or friendship for that matter.
> 
> Further, if you have troubles saying I love you because hit does not hold water, ask yourself, do you really love your W?


just maybe his language was acts of service (which it kind of sounds like).....and he did a killer job on the lawn. soon to see if the OP comes back and will answer more questions.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Eagles0025 said:


> My wife of 4 years recently served me with divorce papers and totally blindsided me.


Really? You were 'blindsided?' 

Stop blaming your family background for your inability to be the man you *should *have been for you wife. Own your ****. It's pretty sad that she had to file for divorce before you came down off your high horse and opened your eyes. 

Unfortunately, I think the damage you've done over the years is probably too great at this point. I've always found that when a woman is done, she's done.


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## NextTimeAround

Eagles, did your family use negativity as a way to motivate you?


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