# Found something...now what?



## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Hey guys! I swear I was not snooping. I have been down the hunting for pain road in my past relationship with a porn addict & know the dangers, so I don't snoop. Well last nite I was on my bf's laptop that he freely lets me use & I noticed a photo album on his desktop titled 'us'. So automatically assumed it was pics of us & opened it to see exactly which ones of us they were. Well, there was one pic of us in there & one of some provacatively dressed woman I've never seen before, & the pic was titled something like 'hiding5660'. I don't remember t exactly but it was clearly a username/handle from some dating site or other. We met thru Match & I know he used to use fling.com for some no strings fun before we met so...Oh, and the date that the pic was downloaded into the album was just this past July. We've been together for over a year now! 

Anyway, now that I've seen this and am unsettled by it, what do u think I should do next? Confront him about it or let it go cause he'll think I was snooping no matter what I say, and resolve myself to living w/somone I'm now suspicious of?

Thx!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why would you resolve to live with someone you don't trust? Either ask him about it, or start doing more digging.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Why would you resolve to live with someone you don't trust? Either ask him about it, or start doing more digging.


Yeah, it's funny; I went to look at it again tonight and it's gone. I deduced that he checked 'recent documents' and saw what I saw, then moved or deleted it. He's not said a thing about it tonight so far & neither have I. It's like we're waiting each other out. I realize if I bring it up he could gaslight me since the pic's now gone & that would hurt me worse. No evidence now, so I guess I'll have to wait, watch & see how this pans out. *sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Also stop apologizing for snooping like that is a bad thing.

I think you should continue to investigate further.

I am a big fan about communication and openess, but in this case I think you want to know what you are dealing with first before confronting.

Are there any other symptoms of possible cheating?


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## fortheloveofit2 (Oct 1, 2012)

Confront him now that you know. If he lies then leave.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Also stop apologizing for snooping like that is a bad thing.
> 
> I think you should continue to investigate further.
> 
> ...


Actually, no other cheating symptoms with me, but in the past he confessed to cheating on his ex-wife 2 different times in their relationship which I've posted about here in the past. Ugh! Wish I hadn't looked now. We're moving in together next wk & I feel like an idiot!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Kaori said:


> Actually, no other cheating symptoms with me, but in the past he confessed to cheating on his ex-wife 2 different times in their relationship which I've posted about here in the past. Ugh! Wish I hadn't looked now. We're moving in together next wk & I feel like an idiot!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It really seems that you think everything would be fine if he was cheating on you but you didn't know about it. Why would you stay in a relationship like that? I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel, but have you been in relationships like this in the past? Would you say you have healthy self esteem?

C


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Only a fool would move in with such a man, especially knowing his pattern.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

PBear said:


> It really seems that you think everything would be fine if he was cheating on you but you didn't know about it. Why would you stay in a relationship like that? I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel, but have you been in relationships like this in the past? Would you say you have healthy self esteem?
> 
> C


Well, I was in an 8+ year live-in relationship with a porn addict binge drinker who neglected me, hid, denied, & gaslighted me & it killed my self esteem. I thought I'd worked past that after I finally kicked him out & stayed single for 2 yrs. working on myself, but I guess I haven't come as far in that area as I thought. He is so good to me, makes me feel loved & special, & is the best bf I've ever had! it hurts so much to think I chose poorly again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Kaori said:


> Well, I was in an 8+ year live-in relationship with a porn addict binge drinker who neglected me, hid, denied, & gaslighted me & it killed my self esteem. I thought I'd worked past that after I finally kicked him out & stayed single for 2 yrs. working on myself, but I guess I haven't come as far in that area as I thought. He is so good to me, makes me feel loved & special, & is the best bf I've ever had! it hurts so much to think I chose poorly again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


start digging on the down low. if hes a scum bucket then leave. you will find another guy and keep dumping them until you find the right guy.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

While I think you should re-think the moving-in part until this is resolved to your satisfaction, this could also be a case of a saved picture he found that he thought was attractive.

Then again, he has a record of cheating soooo.....


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

So, I composed the below email to send him or read to him at some point next week. I find it to be much easier to communicate difficult topics in writing so I get all my thoughts out uninterrupted. Let me know what y'all think:

It's obvious you know that I saw that woman's profile pic that u recently downloaded into the desktop photo album on your laptop titled 'us'. I looked in the album because you freely let me use the laptop, the album was right on your desktop, & i wanted to see what pics of us were in there, & then I saw her pic in there too & that you downloaded it in July. I really didn't know how to handle it at the time, so I didn't say anything, & then when I looked in the album again last nite so I could ask you about it, it was gone/deleted; so u clearly know I saw it. I still didn't say anything last nite cause I've been down this road before w/my ex-bf as your know, and I fear that if I do mention it, you will just deny its existence since there's now no evidence. In my dealing w/his lies & denials I learned that this is a tactic people use called gaslighting - which consists of denying & claiming ignorance/innocence since there's no evidence, which then makes the other person doubt what they saw & retreat. The possibility of u doing that to me about this pic I saw is actually more frightening to me than anything because it would show that you don't respect me enough to be honest about this & think gaslighting is a better/easier out for u. But even though I'm afraid that you may cop ignorance & gaslight me, I've been thru enough bs in my past & respect myself enough to take the risk of asking you to please be truthful with me & tell me why you downloaded a pic of someone from a dating/meetup site just this past July?


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

BTW, several times last night he would give me this long sideways glance and ask how I was doing or if I was ok like he was waiting for me to bring it up. I just played like nothing was up & we had a nice evening, with him being extra talkative, complimentary, & loving. At one point he even said I was the perfect woman for him. Then at bedtime I made a point of saying to him, "Please be kind and gentle to my fragile little heart that loves you so." He held me close, kissed me, and said that I have a kind, loving, strong heart and he hopes he never takes it for granted. Hmmm Such a sweet talker. 

As I've said before, he's shown no signs of cheating on me, we spend every evening after work together, as well as every weekend, so I more suspect that as Toffer said, this could be a case of a saved picture he found that he thought was attractive. We both enjoy porn together & individually which I'm fine with, but finding this pic that was clearly from a dating site is unsettling.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kaori said:


> Actually, no other cheating symptoms with me, but in the past he confessed to cheating on his ex-wife 2 different times in their relationship which I've posted about here in the past. Ugh! Wish I hadn't looked now. We're moving in together next wk & I feel like an idiot!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I honesty would not be with a person who cheated, especially multiple times. 

Do not move in with him. In this case I would confront but you will be gas lighted. 

This is not the man you were looking for.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Skip the email and talk to him.

The date on the photo could have been when it was copied to that folder, not necessarily the date he first saved it. But having the photo is something that needs to be explained.

Just talk to him about it.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks Chris. I know it seems like it should be easy to bring up with him, but I'm a nervous personality and tend to get tongue tied & even freeze up when discussing awkward/difficult topics & then I never get my full thoughts out since I'm such a nervous wreck. We generally have great communication, it's just with awkward topics like this that I become useless, hence writing things out first & either sending it or reading it to him. I also think the added fear of him gaslighting me is freezing me up even more (thanks Entropy! j/k). It brings back so much pain from my last relationship that I don't even want to risk it happening & my view of him being completely tainted at this point. My past horrible experience taught me that sometimes ignorance IS truly bliss. I so wish I didn't know the things now I know about porn addiction & alcoholism; & that experience, plus my other encounters with different men since then (while I was single) has ruined my trust in men in general and led me to believe there will always be something & I just need to decide which dysfunctions I can live with, especially in my age range (late 30's-early 40's). If single, we're damaged from past bs by this point & I'd be naive to think there's a flawless, true man out there in this age range. 

I love him so much, he's the best man I've ever been with as far as how he treats me & our overall compatibility is concerned, & we're both so excited about starting the next chapter of living together; plus the lease is signed, deposit money given, & we've closed-out our current individual leases; so it would be such a mess to back out of it all with a week to go. I'd rather wait, watch, & enjoy this next year in a nice big home as much as I can, & if he proves himself to be scum in that time, I can sever ties when the lease is up. 

I will still confront him about this pic, but in my way.

Reading what I just wrote makes me sad. I know I sound pitiful, but these are the realities of adult mid-life & our times; people with true integrity are hard to find & most likely already spoken for.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Hey guys! I swear I was not snooping. I have been down the hunting for pain road in my past relationship with a porn addict & know the dangers, so I don't snoop. Well last nite I was on my bf's laptop that he freely lets me use & I noticed a photo album on his desktop titled 'us'. So automatically assumed it was pics of us & opened it to see exactly which ones of us they were. Well, there was one pic of us in there & one of some provacatively dressed woman I've never seen before, & the pic was titled something like 'hiding5660'. I don't remember t exactly but it was clearly a username/handle from some dating site or other. We met thru Match & I know he used to use fling.com for some no strings fun before we met so...Oh, and the date that the pic was downloaded into the album was just this past July. We've been together for over a year now!
> 
> Anyway, now that I've seen this and am unsettled by it, what do u think I should do next? Confront him about it or let it go cause he'll think I was snooping no matter what I say, and resolve myself to living w/somone I'm now suspicious of?
> 
> ...


Don't confront yet please don't make this mistake.
If he is seeing this person currently there will be a trail. You need to pretend everything is okay. 
You should ask him leading questions if you want to know more. Ask him for example if he used any other sites for dating. Also google the womans handle you might get lucky and get a hit. You want to find out if they are communicating and what the primary mode of communication is. 

Since it is a handle you are looking for a dating site, or instant messenger service like yahoo. Then progress from there. Once you have some evidence of what exactly is going on . Then confront. If you just go off half ****ed anything he was doing will get deleted or hidden better. So don't rock the boat since he probably doesn't have his guard up.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> Don't confront yet please don't make this mistake.
> If he is seeing this person currently there will be a trail. You need to pretend everything is okay.
> You should ask him leading questions if you want to know more. Ask him for example if he used any other sites for dating. Also google the womans handle you might get lucky and get a hit. You want to find out if they are communicating and what the primary mode of communication is.
> 
> Since it is a handle you are looking for a dating site, or instant messenger service like yahoo. Then progress from there. Once you have some evidence of what exactly is going on . Then confront. If you just go off half ****ed anything he was doing will get deleted or hidden better. So don't rock the boat since he probably doesn't have his guard up.


Thanks, this is my ultimate thinking as well. I've composed that email, but don't think it's wise to confront him at this point since he's already deleted that evidence. I do worry that since he deleted it, he now knows I've seen it & may think my silence means acquiesence/acceptance of deception on his part and/or have his guard up now. What do you think?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Two things...

First, read the email over and over so you have it almost memorized. Then talk to him.You want to be able to read his expressions, direct the conversation the way YOU want and shift directions if you feel the need. 

Never ask a yes/no question. For example, don't ask if he is seeing that girl (of course the answer is no). Ask why he had the picture, when did he get it, why did he delete it (all NOT yes/no answers).

Second, yes talk to him now. Waiting around to find something else? If he knows you saw it AND he is cheating, he will just go underground and it may take months/years before you find something out.

Have the conversation in a relaxed, non-confrontational tone so he will be more apt to open up. Do it now before you get further down the road with him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you deserve better than this. Even though you love him etc etc. He has a proven character flaw of cheating, and you have found smoking gun evidence of at least a wandering mind if not more. Sounds very risky.

Do you have a history of abuse? An alcoholic parent, borderline personality disordered parent, other trauma or abuse in your upbringing? It sounds to me like you are following the desperation script that so many abused women are on. They fear the rejection or loss so badly that they will stay in the abusive relationship. Cheating is a form of abuse, too.

For many people, finding the picture would be enough to call off the relationship. Even if he had no intention of dating her, it is a serious error in judgment to download a photo from a dating site of an attractive woman when he is already in an exclusive relationship. For many people it would be suspicious enough to not risk continuing deeper into the relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Kaori said:


> Thanks, this is my ultimate thinking as well. I've composed that email, but don't think it's wise to confront him at this point since he's already deleted that evidence. I do worry that since he deleted it, he now knows I've seen it & may think my silence means acquiesence/acceptance of deception on his part and/or have his guard up now. What do you think?


I think you don't have enough evidence to come to any conclusions about what he thinks or what he is doing. I'm a big proponent of snooping. Snoop away, the more the better. In any case, I would never confront my partner in writing, always face to face. But I would take a long while and think very hard about confronting my partner with anything I found through snooping. It's such a great tool because it allows you to know things that would otherwise be hidden from you and I would be very careful about putting the effectiveness of that tool at risk by exposing it


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thor, there was no physical/sexual abuse & I don't recall seeing any substance use by my parents while growing up. Although, my parents divorced when I was 11 because my dad had been cheating on my mom for years & got the woman pregnant then, so my mom, who'd just given birth to my baby brother, booted him out. He was a horrible dad from there on out, constantly making visitation promises and then bailing on me on the day he was supposed to pick me up. I remember sitting on the front porch with my little overnight bag at my side, waiting hours for him to show up until my mom would have to come pull me into the house after dark & I'd cry myself to sleep, feeling unwanted by my dad. I also had to take care of my baby brother alot while my mom was working as a single parent, and before that I was a latchkey kid from age 5-on since they both worked fulltime. I remember if my mom was late coming home from work, I'd stand at the door waiting and worried that she'd been killed in an accident & wasn't coming home & would cry til she showed up. I was home alone alot until my brother was born when I was 11, then my dad left us. So I guess I was neglected as a child for sure & then I became a caretaker of an infant from age 12 to 18 (family members to this day call me his 'other mother'). Is that enough to make me keep picking & staying with the wrong guys?


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## oddball (Sep 5, 2012)

Your post was sad to read. I am sorry about your childhood.

If your current bf is really the one for you, it should not be so hard to raise this issue.

If he denies and is defensive, you can go on the alert.
But he did not even hide this picture. As a former cheater, he is surely not so stupid.
It is odd, but he lets you use his laptop and then the picture is right there?

Asking are you okay, the long sideways stares. Jeez people... TALK to each other.

And if the answers don't feel right? Well then practice a lot of affirmations, and DONT move in.

You are worthy of a loving, kind and positive relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Kaori said:


> Is that enough to make me keep picking & staying with the wrong guys?


Kaori,

I think you are a warm and sensitive person with a hole in your heart big enough to drive a truck through and there are just way too many guys out there who will take advantage of that and leave you worse off than when they found you. So be careful.

My humble opinion is that if and when you are seriously thinking about getting married, please consider having you and your beloved attend some kind of marriage preparation seminar together so you can both get on the same page with what you might be expecting. I know it would have helped us a lot. You need to protect your heart at all costs so don't feel the least bit unjustified in doing some snooping about someone you are considering letting in


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kaori said:


> Thor, there was no physical/sexual abuse & I don't recall seeing any substance use by my parents while growing up.
> ...
> I remember sitting on the front porch with my little overnight bag at my side, waiting hours for him to show up until my mom would have to come pull me into the house after dark & I'd cry myself to sleep, feeling unwanted by my dad.
> ...
> ...


I am sorry you had this kind of a childhood. Good news that there was no sexual or physical abuse etc. You have probably noticed that children who were abused tend to end up in a series of abusive relationships as an adult. Though you don't have the abuse history, I think there is enough in what you wrote for you to consider evaluating if you have an unhealthy fear of abandonment.

For some people, the need to not be rejected is so strong that they put up with horrible abuse. They fear the other person's disapproval so much that they will not speak up if they are unhappy, nor will they set any boundaries. They quite literally choose to be abused rather than risk the abuser reject them for not wanting to be abused!

In your case perhaps it is a lesser version where you fear his disapproval, and you fear he could reject you, so you are willing to put up with the chance that he might be unfaithful.

There is a chance that what you found is innocent. But there is the chance it is not innocent. Your relationship is fairly new and without deep entanglements, so it would be relatively easy to end it. Especially compared to if you are sharing a home, or later if you are married and/or have kids.

Which is why many people would set a strong boundary here that has been violated. Many people would see that there are plenty of other people in the world, and would therefore decide there is too much risk to stay with a known cheater who has done something this suspicious. Many people would choose to be more protective of themselves in your situation.

Choosing to stay in a bad situation indicates a scarcity mentality. Scarcity is thinking that there are no other or very few other men out there who would want to be with you. People with an abundance mentality know that there are a lot of options, and they value themselves enough to not settle for less than a really great match.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> I think you don't have enough evidence to come to any conclusions about what he thinks or what he is doing. I'm a big proponent of snooping. Snoop away, the more the better. In any case, I would never confront my partner in writing, always face to face. But I would take a long while and think very hard about confronting my partner with anything I found through snooping. It's such a great tool because it allows you to know things that would otherwise be hidden from you and I would be very careful about putting the effectiveness of that tool at risk by exposing it


I went to individual therapy before kicking out my porn addict/alcoholic ex bf and was told by the therapist that snooping was 'hunting for pain' and not to do it because it only hurts me, that's why I haven't snooped. I will admit that after finding the pic, I immediately checked his net browsing history & there was absolutely nothing suspect there. He's practically computer/internet illiterate anyway & I'm the techie in this relationship, so that's probably why the pic was still in his desktop album & he only deleted it after seeing it in the 'recent documents' tab you access under the desktop start tab. He barely cracks the laptop open, except to go on his fantasy football sites & facebook.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thor said:


> For some people, the need to not be rejected is so strong that they put up with horrible abuse. They fear the other person's disapproval so much that they will not speak up if they are unhappy, nor will they set any boundaries. They quite literally choose to be abused rather than risk the abuser reject them for not wanting to be abused!
> 
> In your case perhaps it is a lesser version where you fear his disapproval, and you fear he could reject you, so you are willing to put up with the chance that he might be unfaithful.
> 
> ...


Yep! That's me! Scarcity mentality & my "choose your dysfunction" thinking has made me put up with this kinda stuff over & over. Here's my true thought process: I'm not getting any younger, I'm black, and though I've been told I have a gorgeous face & am a size 6, I do have droopy boobs & saggy body skin from losing a ton of weight after the last epic fail long term relationship, & honestly, I'm not afraid of him rejecting me; I don't want to have to reject him because I want this to work so bad! And now that I said that, I realize I had the same attitude w/my ex & stayed so long miserable with him because dangit, I was gonna help fix that guy who kept dangling the carrot of "I love you & don't really want to be this way" & make it work so I wouldn't have to put myself out there in the mean, ugly dating world again. Dating absolutely sucks, especially at my age, & being a black woman with an imperfect body ta boot! I do feel that my choices are limited because of these things & another physical factor that I'm reluctant to divulge here, so yeah, if I finally find someone who treats me way better than the guys in my last 2 ltr's did, I'm gonna try to keep him & deal with his flaws because they all have them. Yep, I have a true scarcity attitude; thanks for presenting that to me! Now, how to fix it?? Who the heck knows?


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

Realistic relative Scarcity or not you are not so desperate as to put up with anything you are really not going to put up with so forget the picture for now. Before you move in make sure he understands that you have already been mucked about enough for one life so if you even think he is going to start mucking you about then he is out. Keep it clear and simple and mean it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Toffer said:


> While I think you should re-think the moving-in part until this is resolved to your satisfaction, this could also be a case of a saved picture he found that he thought was attractive.
> 
> Then again, he has a record of cheating soooo.....


:iagree:


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Kaori said:


> Then at bedtime I made a point of saying to him, "Please be kind and gentle to my fragile little heart that loves you so."


To me, that sounds like you're pleading with him to be nice to you. That is not what relationships are all about. He will either love you and take care of you, or he'll cheat and sh!t all over you.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> Realistic relative Scarcity or not you are not so desperate as to put up with anything you are really not going to put up with so forget the picture for now. Before you move in make sure he understands that you have already been mucked about enough for one life so if you even think he is going to start mucking you about then he is out. Keep it clear and simple and mean it!


Nail on the head right here! This is exactly where I'm at with this right now. Gonna toss the email I wrote & forget about this one thing I've found in our whole year+ together. When I made that request to him about being kind & gentle to my heart last night in bed, I could tell that show of vulnerability immediately got to him...I've learned he's a sucker for that kind of stuff since his ex-wife was hard as nails, cold, & showed no vulnerability of this type...they had a very distant marriage & this has been reaffirmed by several of his lifelong friends & their spouses who I've met, like very much, they all like me, & say they've never seen him so happy...they all hated her and have no qualms sharing with me just how awful she was to deal with! After he said he hoped he never takes my heart for granted last night, he also said he knows he's so lucky to have someone so loving & special in his life. 

I also never followed up on my other thread, but last week I did get the guts to talk to him about his cheating past & my concerns (before I found this pic) & we had a good talk. He reassured me that he knows that the cheating he did in his past was wrong, he has 'grown up' alot since the divorce, realizes how hurtful cheating is & has no intentions of doing that to me. Perhaps that's part of why I've been so reluctant to confront him about the pic as well?

But you're right; I do have my limits & I'll be sure to bring up my boundaries where our new life together is concerned, & that if I discover he's crossed them, we're done. I also think I just have a high bs threshhold after what I went thru with my ex...it takes alot to make me angry/upset now & my current bf has jokingly said a few times recently that he's never seen me mad & is planning a secret monumental prank to upset me so he can finally witness it. Hmm, could this pic thing be a prank? No matter, I'm letting this one incident go for now.

I made sure I can afford this new place's rent on my own for a few months too, so if it comes to that, I can do what's needed & will be heartbroken, but ok.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Look at the properties of the photo and see what date it was added/saved before you say anything.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Kaori
> Then at bedtime I made a point of saying to him, "Please be kind and gentle to my fragile little heart that loves you so."
> 
> To me, that sounds like you're pleading with him to be nice to you. That is not what relationships are all about. He will either love you and take care of you, or he'll cheat and sh!t all over you.


I hear ya. But I actually said that after he once again joked about doing stuff to make me angry once we move in together so he can finally see me mad. I felt it was the perfect opening to make that request & figured he'd get my double meaning in it if he was indeed aware of my seeing that pic. Then he said "come here" held me close & said the tender things I already shared with you all. He also promised to not prank me! lol We'll see...we have a very fun, goofy rapport & share alot of laughter together, as we have the same wacky sense of humor.

And he actually does take very good care of me; asks how my day at work was every night, listens to me moan about this or that while looking into my eyes & touching me, and supports me through tough things I have to deal with outside of us, just as I do for him. He's an expert at cheering me up too! Hence my saying he's the best guy I've ever been with.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Ano said:


> Look at the properties of the photo and see what date it was added/saved before you say anything.


I did just that & it said it was downloaded sometime in July 2012. Since it's now gone, I could check the recycle bin which I'm sure he's clueless about, but I don't even think it's worth the headache at this point. Thanks though!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Kaori said:


> Yep! That's me! Scarcity mentality & my "choose your dysfunction" thinking has made me put up with this kinda stuff over & over. Here's my true thought process: I'm not getting any younger, I'm black, and though I've been told I have a gorgeous face & am a size 6, I do have droopy boobs & saggy body skin from losing a ton of weight after the last epic fail long term relationship, & honestly, I'm not afraid of him rejecting me; I don't want to have to reject him because I want this to work so bad! And now that I said that, I realize I had the same attitude w/my ex & stayed so long miserable with him because dangit, I was gonna help fix that guy who kept dangling the carrot of "I love you & don't really want to be this way" & make it work so I wouldn't have to put myself out there in the mean, ugly dating world again. Dating absolutely sucks, especially at my age, & being a black woman with an imperfect body ta boot! I do feel that my choices are limited because of these things & another physical factor that I'm reluctant to divulge here, so yeah, if I finally find someone who treats me way better than the guys in my last 2 ltr's did, I'm gonna try to keep him & deal with his flaws because they all have them. Yep, I have a true scarcity attitude; thanks for presenting that to me! Now, how to fix it?? Who the heck knows?


Kaori, Let me explain something about MOST men. We don't expect perfect bodies. We like to LOOK at them, but we actually don't expect them. We also like curves, and some guys A LOT OF CURVES. You won't have ANY issue finding a man to love you and love your body. You want to know what part of a woman we find the SEXIEST?!?! A woman who accepts her body and likes to use it! I'd rather be with a fun adventurous sexually charged brunette from drop dead diva than a repressed insecure salma hayek.

Stop stressing about finding another guy and your imperfections.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> Kaori, Let me explain something about MOST men. We don't expect perfect bodies. We like to LOOK at them, but we actually don't expect them. We also like curves, and some guys A LOT OF CURVES. You won't have ANY issue finding a man to love you and love your body. You want to know what part of a woman we find the SEXIEST?!?! A woman who accepts her body and likes to use it! I'd rather be with a fun adventurous sexually charged brunette from drop dead diva than a repressed insecure salma hayek.
> 
> Stop stressing about finding another guy and your imperfections.


Well thanks for that thoughtful pep talk! It's of course easier said than done in this highly looks-critical society though. I'm 42 & have lost 80+ lbs. in the last 3 years since my break up with the addict ex; & though I do get more attention/appreciation from men, I certainly don't have guys clammoring for my number. Heck, it took 2 years post break up to meet my current bf after dating quite a few guys before him who I rejected for major incompatibility reasons. I didn't just go with the first guy that came along after my breakup by any means. I thought I was selective in choosing him for our many personality similarities, good chemistry, & just plain 'getting' each other in ways I'd never experienced with any other man before. Plus, I have a permanent medical condition that limits my choices even more and I face rejection every time I make the painful choice to confess it to a man I come to care about...I'm sure you can deduce what it is. That is the biggest limitation for me & probably why once I find a good guy who loves & accepts all of me, I want so badly for it to work out so I don't have to keep going through that type of nervous awkwardness, & possible rejection over & over in the dating world. And yes, I've tried the dating sites for people with my condition & the men I met were the sorriest, angriest, most undateable users I'd ever dealt with, so I went back out onto the mainstream dating sites & finally met my bf who after my nervously awkward, painful confession, immediately held me, kissed me, & accepted me. 

I know I'm a good person who despite having gone through a lot of hard knocks in life, still has alot of love to give, & dangit, I don't deserve or want to grow old alone! Gosh, I'm starting to cry now!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kaori said:


> Plus, I have a permanent medical condition that limits my choices even more and I face rejection every time I make the painful choice to confess it to a man I come to care about...I'm sure you can deduce what it is.


I have no idea what it is, but it is not relevant. Just saying it isn't obvious to me.

Don't settle, and don't accept the unacceptable. Snooping can get unhealthy, but I think it is wise to stay alert especially given his history of cheating and this odd situation with the picture. Don't stick your head in the sand.

Best of luck to you!


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thor said:


> I have no idea what it is, but it is not relevant. Just saying it isn't obvious to me.
> 
> Don't settle, and don't accept the unacceptable. Snooping can get unhealthy, but I think it is wise to stay alert especially given his history of cheating and this odd situation with the picture. Don't stick your head in the sand.
> 
> Best of luck to you!


Believe me, I won't! Just not gonna confront about this item. Thanks so much!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Ok, this is not absolving him by any means, as it contains a quite a bit of hypothesizing at the end, but, since I know some of you appreciate detailed info., here's some more of my true relationship drama story that ties in with the pic I found: Something made me go through some emails between us tonight & I saw a few emails between us around the same date of the pic which was also when my ex-bf popped back up in my life after over a year of no contact! He'd sent me an apology email basically saying he was a fool for letting me go, then that expounded on how great I am & "don't let anyone tell you less." Blech!! 

Then i found out from a family member who's still FB friends with him that he'd also put an old pic of us cuddled together up as his profile pic and was posting about regrets & lost love. Double Blech!! My family member also told me that my ex had just moved out of state to live with & help his sick older sister, so it was obvious he was going through a hard time with the move/transition & was missing me. 

I told my bf about the little note & profile pic, as I don't hide those things from him. By the next day, my bf had found his FB profile and took the liberty of messaging my ex that I was happy with him now & to leave me alone, along with some other unnecessary strong posturing words that honestly made me giggle & hear the tune "macho macho man!" playing in my head when I read it later. My ex responded to him defensively, but told him he'd leave me alone. Then my ex started emailing me apologies & brought up something wholly inappropriate which I later told my bf about after work, but as I was worn out by then, tired of thinking about it, & nervous talking about it (remember, nervous personality here!) I didn't communicate our correspondence well & got it all jumbled, most likely making it seem like I was fudging things on purpose, which I truly wasn't! But I suspect it got him doubting my loyalty big time. 

So because we're quite similar in our thought processes; in retrospect I can imagine him thinking, "Well, screw her! Let me see what's out there nowadays cause this may not last much longer if she's lying to me!" and then perusing some dating site & downloading that girl's pic! As childish as that is, it's the same kinda lame crap I'd do! We both have abandonment issues from our childhoods so...go figure eh?! The next day I sent him a copy of the text from my correspondence with my ex to ease his mind, he thanked me & said he trusts me, loves me very much, & he wasn't gonna worry about an ex, as they're exes for a reason! But I know this episode shook us both up a bit, then things were fine & he forgot about the pic he'd downloaded, leaving it in the album on his desktop all this time. Yes, I'm a Sherlock Holmes fan! lol 

Like I said, my postulation does not excuse him and I will keep my eyes open going forward. Plausible hypothesis or no?


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Kaori, I really believe that you're the one who's most damaging to yourself.
I can understand how the physical traits can make it inconvenient for you to quickly find a suitable partner, but it's better to work hard and wait long for the right person than just settling for the first suitor.

You said it yourself in a post, putting up with the bulls*it of your ex made you more miserable than happy, so you should be more careful with these relationship as to not lose more time.
He's gentle and kind, but so must have been your husband before taking you for granted. Taking someone for granted means that inconsciously, you'll start treating that person as a doormat. And the more you'd put up with abuse, the more he'd lose respect for you.

If you'd allow him to stray, then one day he may risk ending up with another woman that would demand from him to leave you and it would be the final straw to your self esteem and your desire to be with someone.
I feel for you, but believe me there's absolutely someone for you out there. It's a mathematical rule, you just don't search enough.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

UserAwaitingDeletion said:


> ...so forget the picture for now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



TAHT CAME OUT WRONG!


It is your call but I am in no way suggesting that you back off from confronting him about the picture. It bothers you so you shouldn't twist yourself to put up with it for any reason. It was just that the email seemed to be tying you in knots and your point should be absolutely clear so he knows IF you take the plunge of moving in together he cannot mess you about. Don't do it if you are only doing it because the lease and money makes it look difficult to back out now. That would be the wrong reasons and setting yourself up for living under a narrative that disempowers you!

Why not paste the picture onto a big red flag flying in a clear sky and make that the desktop then see if he asks why?

Best of luck here. You are the chooser so keep your options clear and open and let him know where he stands in case he thinks you are a mug albeit a very nice one.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Oh, I'll be sure to bring up my boundaries again before moving day. We've discussed them before, but it's been a while. Remember, the pic is gone now, as he must have deleted it that same night I found it, when I was asleep. I looked for it the next night so I could confront him with it, but it was gone! That's why I then asked you all if you think he'll take my silence to mean acquiesence/acceptance of deception on his part and/or he'll have his guard up now. I have no evidence to back up my claim, hence deciding not to confront about it, and instead waiting, & watching.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think it is a warning sign that you are not comfortable talking to him about it. Any kind of question or uncomfortable situation should be open to discussion immediately and without fear. You should not fear he will shame you or gaslight you. And conversely he should welcome the opportunity to have a clear honest communication about something bothering you.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

> I think it is a warning sign that you are not comfortable talking to him about it. Any kind of question or uncomfortable situation should be open to discussion immediately and without fear. You should not fear he will shame you or gaslight you. And conversely he should welcome the opportunity to have a clear honest communication about something bothering you.


Good points, but my last long term rel'p was with a gaslighting porn addict, so this hesitation is all on me & I realize that. I don't want to even chance going through the pain I lived before & avoiding confrontation is just easier for me right now. I'm apparently still wounded from my past ltr more than I realized & projecting it onto my bf; this has shown me that. It's very likely that you're right & he probably would be open with me about it, but I need to work out this irrational fear in myself first. Honestly, it's been paralyzing. Think I'm going to make an apptmt with my old therapist asap.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thinking on this more, I realize that I'm paralyzed by the possibility of him gaslighting me. I'm really enjoying this relationship & love this guy alot, & if he gaslighted me, it would mean the immediate end of it all & I just don't want to let him go now. It would change everything to know that he didn't respect me at all & was like my ex who had no qualms about making me feel in the wrong & crazy by gaslighting me. The thought of my current bf giving me that telltale vacant, "I have no idea what you're talking about" stare if I confront him is terrifying, so I need to at least have evidence to present to my current bf as self fortification; without that I feel helpless to confront him because it would be a perfect situation in which to gaslight me. Eventhough I know he may not even do that, this is the first situation since we've been together where I've had to face this possibility and the fear of it is stronger than the desire to confront with no evidence to back me up. 

I wish I could explain better how paralyzing the fear of being gaslighted is for me. I used to confront my ex about things that I did have evidence for and he'd still look me dead in the eye & act as if he had no idea what I was talking about, then turn it into an argument about my snooping. He was a master at turning the tables on me even when he was clearly in the wrong & it sometimes took days of me crying & pleading with him to get him to finally admit that yes he was indeed guilty of whatever wrongdoing. That then made everything worse for me, as he'd made me feel wrong & crazy for days until then & showed me that protecting himself in that way was better to him than being upfront & honest with me from jump. No matter how many times I explained to him that it'd actually be easier for us both if he just came clean during initial confrontation & he'd say yes, I'm right & he understood this; he'd still go right back to his gaslighting ways! It was clearly a self-protection habit he just couldn't break. I can't go through that again...just can't! 

This is why I feel I need to work through this fear with my therapist first. I've backslid in the areas of self-worth & letting fear paralyze me & need to work to fix this. I don't even know when or how it happened, this stuff just sneaks up on us sometimes, eh?


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

It is like moss! I know at least a little of what you mean. It is tiresome and demeaning. In my case I lost respect for my partner and was left with a patronising mix of pity and patience! Have you thought of looking in 'badbane's evidence thread to find out if you can get the pic. back. Maybe even just by a system restore if on a windows PC? He has to know he just can't start taking the mickey. You need to know you can't let him. There must be a few good gaslighting busters on this site. Someone should do an article. Fear only paralyzes until you pass it then it is like a broken old fence. Keeping going means no moss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

If I get a chance to be alone at his place this week I'll check the recycle bin. I was gonna confront him with it the very next night & it was gone dangit! I just had so many flashbacks of the bs w/my ex that I couldn't confront him the night I found it, I wanted to take a day to ponder it all first, ya know? Ugh!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kaori said:


> This is why I feel I need to work through this fear with my therapist first. I've backslid in the areas of self-worth & letting fear paralyze me & need to work to fix this. I don't even know when or how it happened, this stuff just sneaks up on us sometimes, eh?


There's nothing wrong with going in for a tune up with the therapist once in a while!

It does not apply to this picture, but I want to pass on what an adviser told me. You don't need CSI crime lab evidence in order to know something. Sometimes you just _know_ it in your gut, and that is good enough. Many societies have (or still do) fully accept such "knowing" as factual knowing. You don't need to get the DNA evidence for yourself or for the other person if you already know it in your gut/heart.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I feel for your background and situation.

I'm going to say that you seem to have a pretty healthy relationship but at the same time the picture thing would bring questions to my mind. I will say though that just the one is odd. If he had a "porn" folder or something I guess it wouldn't be that weird. But just the one picture is kinda interesting.

I got to admit to, I wouldn't be able to let that kind of thing sit. I would have been all over that within minutes of discovery. "who is she?" "Why is she on our computer?" It just isn't usual for a guy to have one skanky/****ty pic. If he's into downloading pics/vids usually a substantial folder exists with material.

I wish you the best on moving forward with your life and hope everything turns out to be a silly misunderstanding.


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## Kaori (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your advice, it really helped me get through this week!

So I finally had some time alone at his place to check his laptop and found the pic, not in the album, but in an obvious folder under "my computer". I also checked all of the folders with photos on his computer, as well as his recycle bin & internet browsing history, and found absolutely nothing else. This is where it gets weird on my part...I still pretty much had a panic attack over the one pic - was all breathless, shaky, & felt like I was gonna puke - so I then put a paper copy of the email I wrote (slightly edited in pencil since I did indeed find the evidence) on the laptop keyboard with the pic up on the computer screen, packed up my overnight stuff, and left before he got there because I couldn't bear to look at him, plus I was just freaking out about an in-person confrontation! I had no idea how scarred I was from my last relationship til this whole episode happened!

Anyway, he promptly called me when he got home & very calmly explained that he vaguely recalled getting that pic in an email and opened the attachment out of curiosity to see what it was of, not realizing he was also downloading it into the album. Insisted that he absolutely did not recall downloading it purposely and promptly forgot about the pic (she was not that cute). I then asked why it was deleted the next day which is quite suspicious, and he said he had no idea & perhaps I'd done it inadvertently. Then he was quiet, no defensiveness, no pleading, or even overly explaining his side which I always got from the ex. So I then slowly replayed my steps on the night I found it & earlier tonight in my mind, & and he was right!! I won't go into all the technical details, but upon messing with the album more earlier tonight, I can see how I probably did just clear it from the album when I opened a different folder within it & then closed the photo album right after that. I'd closed the photo with a different file folder in it & when it opens you see the last folder accessed in it. Simple as that. Also, my picasa auto-downloads anything new whenever I open it, so this was the same type of thing which I can understand. 

He apologized for being dumb in opening/inadvertently downloading the pic & hence causing me distress, & I felt like a goof for running away. All this plus the fact that it was the only suspect item on his computer absolves him in my eyes. He's practically computer illiterate & even his kids make fun of him about it. Also, you guys didn't hear his voice; I know a guilty, defensive voice after 8 years of emotional abuse from a compulsive liar, and he did not sound guilty or speak in a defensive tone the entire time we talked. He was a yeller with his ex-wife & I was expecting that but he did not raise his voice once. I said I would not apologize for looking through his computer since I wasn't snooping to begin with, and he was not tweaked about that at all; just said he has nothing to hide & he'd have been just as upset as I was were the tables turned. We agreed we were cool, & he said, "I love you and I hope you truly believe that!" then made a joke about how he can barely keep up with me in the sack & was shocked I actually thought he's looking for more tail! 

So then we talked about this episode showing just how scarred I am from my last rel'p & he was so sweet, saying that by our age, most people have been thru some crap from others and being human, we carry some of it with us. I explained clearly that I would not tolerate infidelity & he said he felt the same way. We discussed my running away & he was like, "Well after a year of living together you'll be more comfortable and we'll be better at communicating, then by year two we'll be even better!" That was sweet of him to suggest we'll be together for years to come. 

Some of you may say I'm being blind or whatever, but I believe him & despite my strange running away episode I am proud of myself for still confronting him about it. Now I have to deal with him teasing me about waiting long to come to him about things & communicating through written notes for a while; he already warned me he can't help but tease me about this! The dork!


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Kaori said:


> vaguely recalled getting that pic in an email and opened the attachment out of curiosity to see what it was of, not realizing he was also downloading it into the album. Insisted that he absolutely did not recall downloading it purposely and promptly forgot about the pic (she was not that cute). I then asked why it was deleted the next day which is quite suspicious, and he said he had no idea & perhaps I'd done it inadvertently.


Total BS on his part.

The first half is bad enough but now he's trying to suggest that the picture somehow deleted or moved ITSELF or YOU did it and forgot.

Not sure what's worse. Him lying to you or you accepting it because you can't handle the truth.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

Reading your thread prompted me to kick off another one focussing on 'gaslighting' - here

I hope this has no relevance for you and that he knows cheating is not an option with you. I wish you both every possible happiness, fulfilment, fun, intimacy, and security. You sound like a nice couple and it sounds like you deserve a good break so enjoy the new home with my blessing. I hope things go well for you now.

( Do they do electronic TAM greetings cards yet?  )


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