# I'm in agony. I need to have "the talk" but can't.



## blackrabbit79 (10 mo ago)

I've been in an internal war. I want to leave my husband (of 2.5 years--been together for 8). We have 2 dogs and no children.
The thing is, I am terrified to initiate the conversation of wanting the divorce. I am so scared I cannot emphasize that enough. Why?

I am afraid of his reaction (will he yell? cry all day? have a panic attack?--all things he has done in the past for different reasons).
I pity him too much
I don't want to upset him and ruin his life
I don't want to be left with the heart wrenching decision of who will get which dog
I will not miss him or our marriage. I've tried to end it once before (last May) but he cried in bed all day, mentioned feelings of suicide, and we fought for days. So ever since then I've been feeling stuck, miserable, and unhappy. That's almost 1 year of misery.
I care about him and his feelings but I don't love him. There's no intimacy or attraction. I have slept on the couch since last summer. We haven't had sex since 2018 and that was before we married in 2019. So yes, "deadbedroom" and it's all because of me because I'm not attracted to him anymore. He thinks, for the most part, it's because I am on an SSRI but to be honest, my sex drive has been increasing. Just not for him.
I am ready to even start dating again. I know it's wrong but that's how checked out I am.
I keep putting off "the talk" because it will be so hard and I just started a new job so I'm going to be super distracted. I've imagined so many different scenarios, only 1 good one, which is where he will agree, but I truly believe he is so blissfully ignorant about the dead state of our marriage that he will be very surprised.
Also, divorce is expensive. I can't afford that. I have less than $200 in my account right now and I don't see how any of this will happen financially. (Do I even have to get a lawyer? Can it be done online for cheap?) But it really needs to because I am straight up miserable, as I have said before.
Has anyone been in a similar situation before? Do you have any advice or words to help me through this/get it started? I am extremely depressed however I just know that once I am "free" I will be the happiest person in the world. But apparently that's not enough because I can't muster up the courage to sit down (_how will i do it? when will i do it?_) and talk to him.
Thanks for reading this long post.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m curious, what do you do for income? A pertains to divorce….
I would suggest you don’t date until you at least file for divorce and get separated. All this avoidance of things doesn’t help him or you. Bad things happen. Your husband will have to learn to deal with a crappy wife and a divorce just as you deal with wanting out of the marriage.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

blackrabbit79 said:


> I've been in an internal war. I want to leave my husband (of 2.5 years--been together for 8). We have 2 dogs and no children.
> The thing is, I am terrified to initiate the conversation of wanting the divorce. I am so scared I cannot emphasize that enough. Why?
> 
> I am afraid of his reaction (will he yell? cry all day? have a panic attack?--all things he has done in the past for different reasons).
> ...


BlackRabbit, I’m sorry to hear of any failed marriage but it does seem like you’re already gone for this one.

I would suggest a free consultation with a lawyer just to review any questions you might have about assets and responsibilities. My daughter was recently divorced and went through mediation rather than lawyers. It was an amicable seperation which made this possible, but it was much more affordable.

As far as how to talk to him, I have a couple of thoughts.
-Stop screwing around looking for your next landing and tell him. He deserves the truth.
-When you pick the day & time to talk, have one of his friends or parents ready to step in to console him. And you must step out and not look back.
-You can’t be responsible for his actions. If you tell him and he drinks and drives for example, that’s not on you. Don’t let that be something that weighs on you. I assume he’s a grown-ass man and is responsible for his own actions.

The dog fight, the ruining his life thing…. its gonna happen. Divorce is hell in the best of cases. Nothing you can do about that except prepare emotionally for it. I suggest you let him have the dog. It might sound a bit callous of me, but it sounds like he will need the dog for support more than you. And _somebody_ will have to pay the emotional cost. You want out…so take the hit.

Best of luck to you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

A few random bullet points in no particular order -

-None of us are lawyers and cannot offer actual legal advice. Although quite a few people have been through similar situations and can share what worked/didn't work for them. 

- If you have no children and minimal joint property, you may not necessarily need a lawyer to handle the divorce but it would always be advisable to get some actual legal guidance in your jurisdiction. 

-You don't need his consent or cooperation to divorce him. His buy-in would make it easier, but not required. 

- If he threatens to harm himself or others, call 911 and report it to the authorities. If he is actually that distraught, it could save his life. If he is just saying it to manipulate you, he will learn that manipulation won't work.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Just do it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

blackrabbit79 said:


> I've been in an internal war. I want to leave my husband (of 2.5 years--been together for 8). We have 2 dogs and no children.
> The thing is, I am terrified to initiate the conversation of wanting the divorce. I am so scared I cannot emphasize that enough. Why?
> 
> I am afraid of his reaction (will he yell? cry all day? have a panic attack?--all things he has done in the past for different reasons).
> ...


Divorce is not cheap. You need to get a full-time job and work for 6 months to a year and save up about $10,000 and get an attorney and move out. That doesn't seem like it should be that hard. Put the money in an account with only your name on it. You're going to need money to be on your own so start saving it and the sooner you do the sooner you can get out. 

Unless you plan on moving far away you can let each other visit the dogs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some states are easier to get a divorce in than others. I believe there are a few states where you can get the divorce papers online, pay the filing fee, and not even have a divorce hearing. I don’t live in one of those states, unfortunately. Without children, it’s usually a minimum of 30 days from date of filing to final decree/dissolution of marriage in a number of states — depending on how long it takes to get on the judge’s schedule if you are in a state which requires an in-person hearing (mine did) — and it could be several months. If you’re unfortunate enough to be in NC I believe you have to be separated for a year (not my state) before you can file. I think there are states that require a six-month separation but mine had no separation requirement.

I would suggest doing some online research for your state so you have an idea of what you’re dealing with. And maybe a few free (or reduced cost) first-time attorney visits. I definitely didn’t want to spend lots of money on attorney‘s fees if I didn’t have to so I had an attorney do a first draft of the petition, at my husband’s expense, and then I finalized it and represented myself at the divorce hearing. I requested that my husband pay the several hundred dollar filing fee, since it was his fault we were getting divorced, and he did. Cost can also depend on whether you live in a large metro area (I do) or a small town. An uncontested divorce is what you want. If he decides to contest it, that’s where it can get really expensive and take time to resolve.

Try to find an incentive that will convince him not to contest it. People can and do fight bitterly over custody of pets. Keep that in mind as you’re negotiating with him. Unfortunately you’re dealing with a very emotional person and that can complicate things when trying to divorce. I wish you the best.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You married him 2.5 years ago after being with him for 5.5 years. So presumably until at least 2.5 years ago things were reasonably good or else you would not have married him, right? So what changed once you were married? You said you have not been having sex because you are not attracted to him but are ready to start dating other men. This sounds like it will not come as much of a surprise to him as you might be suggesting. Did you feel this way before you married him but married him anyway, because you did not have the financial means to leave before getting married? What is the story here? Why do you only have $200 in your account? Do you work?

It sounds like you were kind of dependent on him but were not attracted to him. Were you ever attracted to him? If not, then staying with him for financial reasons was not a nice thing to do. If you were attracted to him and loved him enough (romantically) to stay with him, what happened to change this?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Why do earth did you marry him if you didn’t find him attractive and weren’t going to sleep with him?
Frankly unless there’s a lot of stuff you’ve left out of your narrative I feel really sorry for this guy. He will definitely be better off without you.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

If you haven't had sex with him in almost 4 years he's probably miserable. I think he'll take it ok. He can finally find someone who loves him and is attracted to him. 

If you guys agree on division of assets you can get divorced for almost free without a lawyer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Send him here.

I will tell him he is an idiot for putting up with you and shame him into divorcing you so he can go get some.

He also could use some self building tips as he seems way too dependent on someone who cares nothing for him.

You might want to get a mental health evaluation to see if you have a good grasp of your own situation. Something seems off with your description.

You can get a cheap online divorce as long as he doesn't contest it.

If he seems suicidal, call the authorities immediately and he can get an emergency commitment for a couple days in most places. You can even contact a suicide hotline to get some help ahead of time so you know how to handle it if he threatens to kill himself again.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I wife works with someone who got divorced for about $250. They agreed on everything and filled out the paperwork themselves at the courthouse.
You can not be a prisoner of someone’s problems. His reactions to the throws of life are a personal problem of his not yours.

Its not like you are in to him anyway… just dump him. He sounds like a loser.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

blackrabbit79 said:


> We haven't had sex since 2018 and that was before we married in 2019.


Why did you marry him? 

Also, if the marriage was never consummated, maybe you can just get it annulled?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Fifty ways to leave your lover - pick one.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

blackrabbit79 said:


> I am ready to even start dating again.


Yup, and here is the crux of it. So just file for divorce. Have the talk if you want, but file. Even though he doesn't know what's best for him, he doesn't need to have any more of his life wasted with someone that wants to go out and be with other men.

Just do it. And if you talk to him, tell him the truth. If I was married and my wife wanted a divorce but tapdanced around the real reasons why, I'd be desperately trying to save the marriage.

But if she told me she wants other men, I'd help her pack.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

blackrabbit79 said:


> I've been in an internal war. I want to leave my husband (of 2.5 years--been together for 8). We have 2 dogs and no children.
> The thing is, I am terrified to initiate the conversation of wanting the divorce. I am so scared I cannot emphasize that enough. Why?
> 
> I am afraid of his reaction (will he yell? cry all day? have a panic attack?--all things he has done in the past for different reasons).
> ...


You should seek some individual counseling to understand what is wrong with you. Your dead bedroom predates your marriage yet you still got married. You married someone you are not sexually attracted to. What would drive you to make such an irrational decision like that?


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