# Is this futile?



## strangeways

OK, long story short. My wife and I have been seperated 20 months (together 10 years, married 4). No infidelity involved just a general breakdown in communication which resulted in arguing and both being increasingly unhappy. It was a somewhat mutual decision to seperate. I moved out close by so I could see the kids (2 boys, 2 and 5). We didn't have a "plan" for the seperation, we were both running on emotion. In both our eyes it was over. 

We've both had a relationship after we seperated. Mine lasted about 6 months and ended about 8 months ago. Hers lasted a year and ended about a month ago. In the 8 months I've been out of a relationship I've been working on myself and realised a lot about how my parents and their (terrible) marriage has affected me. I'd say I'm a work in prgress but I've grown, a LOT and become happy in my single life, always presuming that the marriage was over. The wife and I have been friendly throughout our seperation and she'd seen me change.

Anyway, the wifes relationship went through a rocky patch about 3 months ago and they split. she asked me if there was a chance for us. I was very guarded but I basically said yes but she needs to sort out her feelings for the her ex and then we could talk. She got back with him 2 days later and said she couldn't get back with me. I pretty much said 'OK' and left it. This incident unfortunately kicked off something in me. Couple of weeks later I sent an email telling her in no uncertain term I wanted to try again. She said 'No'. I said 'OK' and I left it. Two weeks after that she said she'd ended it with her bf because she couldn't stop thinking about me. We started talking about reconciliation, going on a date, really talking honestly, spending time together, her starting MC with a view to both of us going together after she'd had a couple of sessions. 

Last night she said she didn't want to try and that's final. I was very upset but didn't show it and said that I was disappointed but I understand. Apparently she doesn't know what she wants, is confused, doesn't know what's for the best, needs to sort out her issues like I have. I suspect she still has unresolved feelings for the ex (understandably) and is considering going back to him. I'm just disappointed that she didn't give it a proper go. I do love her and was prepared to give 100% into the reconciliation. She knows this.

I really don't know what to think. I hate all this push-pull thing. I feel like a plan B. My friends have said leave it and move on which I am trying to but after so many months of feeling OK with everything I feel I've been pulled into a mire and can't stop thinking about her and putting my family back together.

Not so short in the end. Sorry for that. Any advice, thoughts?


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## Lazarus

She isn't sure about her b/f on off relationship so let her know she can no longer feel so sure about you back. 

People want what they can't have. She knows she can have you. Try not to be so available.


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## DelinquentGurl

Personally, I don't know why couples separate to have other relationships, but that is just me.

It sounds like your wife doesn't know what she wants which is why she is so back and fourth.
I would say if she starts to talk about reconciliation again, let her know that you are not willing to just jump back in again.

I do agree also with not making yourself so available to her. Give her a real taste of what she's missing.

Good for you for making the changes you need to make to make you a better person. Regardless of the outcome, you'll be a stronger person in the end because of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

Seems a little strange that y'all would be together 10 years but married for 4, two of which y'all were apparently separated and both involved in other heavy relationships. Dating for 6 years before marrying suggests to me that either you or her weren't eager to get married and maybe had some reservations. It's not unusual at all for an ex to want to come back to home plate right after her new relationship fails. When I was single, my ex remembered my phone number every time her particular guy of the month hit the door. Kinda sounds like she reached out to you as her backup plan and as soon as she made nice with Mr. Right Now, you were once again "out". That's not really a push, pull. That's just pulling away with a little bit of panic rebound action tossed in to confuse things. Call me skeptical, but I'm not entirely buying the bit that she left him (two weeks after refusing you) because she couldn't stop thinking about you. Doesn't make sense to me. She carried on a relationship for a year with this guy and thoughts of you didn't seem to bother her then. She came back to you and that lasted a hot minute. I'm guessing they had another falling out, she tossed you some more rebound action and they made nice once again. You feel like a plan B because that's exactly what you are in this situation. Sorry.


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## strangeways

@Unbelievable

I get your skepticism about the other guy and her motivations and the whole "thinking about me" thing. I think she's probably pretty confused about everything and I was an easy emotional crutch/backup. Just to clarify the timing (not that it makes that much difference). 10 years together, married for 4 (before separation), separation almost 2 years. so actually married almost 6 years.

I agree with the other posters also, there's nothing I can do about it and I have totally backed off in the last few days. Only contact is about kids, no asking how she is, no relationship talk, no small talk. Funny thing is it's just back to what it was when she was with this guy so I'm used to it. Just getting on with life. If she wants to be part of it I guess she's going to have to make the effort now. If she doesn't well, I know I'll be fine.

She's going to IC at the moment (once a week) and she's apparently going on a spiritual retreat in a couple of weeks.

Going to spend the weekend with my sister and her kids so I'm looking forward to that, as are my boys.


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