# My Husband is in a funk.



## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Hello all. I usually spend my time on TAM lurking and reading. So many of you folks are so insightful and helpful, I have learned so much! This particular problem feels quite nebulous to me, so I thought perhaps I'd post about it and see what sort of sense can be made of it here. I apologize in advance for rambling on and on. Please ask questions if I forgetdetails or don't make sense (major sleep deprivation at work here!).

I feel like my husband is very unhappy. I've voiced this to him once or twice and he dismisses me. But I know him and I know things have changed. He is constantly making snide comments about our kids, or his job, or our life in general. He claims he's joking, but I believe there are at least elements of truth behind all of his sarcasm. He collapses on the couch after I get the kids to bed - too tired to even acknowledge my existence (though on his free days he has all of the energy in the world to pursue his hobbies). He spends his time at home (which is rare) on his phone while I juggle everything else. The patience i used to admire him for is gone - he spends most evenings yelling at the kids until they're in bed (he doesn't know how to set boundaries and follow through with appropriate consequences, though he'd never admit it. So the kids do walk all over him. But I rarely have troubles with them because I do believe in boundaries and consequences.). And that stresses me out because his yelling is becoming more frequent and is much more easily provoked than ever. I rarely yell at my children, and neither would he if he'd learn how to parent, but he feels he knows it all already. Our kids suffer for his arrogance. His apathy and palpable discontent are wearing me out and compounding my stress level! He's never been much for helping me, but now I also feel like I have to lighten his load further because i can feel his unhappiness when he's here. And, I don't want him negatively impacting our children - remembering their home life as unsafe or uncomfortable whenever dad was around.

We are going on 4 years of marriage this summer. He will be 39 in July. We have a 2 month old baby at home in addition to our 2 yr old son (whom my husband adores, even if he can't parent him well) and my 6.5 yr old daughter. Our kids are beautiful and healthy. My husband works hard at a job he dislikes, but he is promoting and growing his own business as well which allows him to spend time doing something he loves and is very talented at. And, with the exception of having to cook a few more dinners lately (because my baby doesn't sleep during the day to allow me to meal prep and cook) my husband doesn't have to do a thing around the house. Additionally, I homeschool my oldest and am home most of the time with all 3 little ones. I do earn at least half of our net income each month from running my own studio as well (working a couple hours each afternoon). 

Basically what I think I'm getting at is, how/why is he so miserable? I can't work any harder to do all of the things than I already am and yet his life seems inadequate. I feel like he wants a different life than the one we're building together. I wonder why he married me - he spends no time with me unless he wants his sexual needs met (which I usually oblige despite my "love tank" being empty for years- my love language is quality time). His children are clearly an inconvenience - again, why did he marry me and start our family? I feel like we want completely different things now, like he's changed course on me and resents the family he's rarely around. 

Whew! That's a lot. Thank you for reading, if you made it this far. I guess I'm wondering your thoughts on possible causes for this malaise, TAM. I've tried getting to the bottom of it with my husband, but he won't even acknowledge that he's unhappy. He is terrible at communicating, so a conversation about this wouldn't get me anywhere. Thoughts?


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

"He is terrible at communicating, so a conversation about this wouldn't get me anywhere." 

If he isn't mature enough to talk about the marriage, he isn't mature enough to be in one. He doesn't have to be a great communicator to talk about the marriage. My 5th grade vocabulary can manage "I am not happy because....." Others will give you the format and conversation you need to have with him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

KM87 said:


> And, with the exception of having to cook a few more dinners lately (because my baby doesn't sleep during the day to allow me to meal prep and cook) my husband doesn't have to do a thing around the house. Additionally, I homeschool my oldest and am home most of the time with all 3 little ones. I do earn at least half of our net income each month from running my own studio as well (working a couple hours each afternoon).


Welcome to a life of servitude - a/k/a 'marriage.' You'll come to see (which I think you already have) it's a pretty thankless job.



> Basically what I think I'm getting at is, how/why is he so miserable? I can't work any harder to do all of the things than I already am and yet his life seems inadequate. I feel like he wants a different life than the one we're building together. I wonder why he married me - he spends no time with me unless he wants his sexual needs met (which I usually oblige despite my "love tank" being empty for years- my love language is quality time). His children are clearly an inconvenience - again, why did he marry me and start our family? I feel like we want completely different things now, like he's changed course on me and resents the family he's rarely around.


I do have to say you have a *lot* of kids for people who are only married 4 years. You have the patience of a Saint but I have the feeling that coming home to 3 kids screaming and crying and fighting and causing havoc all night long is probably one of the reasons he's so miserable. Hell, I'm a woman and that would make ME miserable as well. Yes, he was part of the child making process (for two of them) but he clearly doesn't have the patience for them that you do. He's pretty much tuned out to the chaos.

I agree with Piggly. If he isn't grown up enough to have an adult conversation then he shouldn't be getting married and making kids left and right. He's too old to be acting like that.

The others will be along with 258 self-help book recommendations accompanied by telling you to go to marriage counseling.

My one piece of advice is this - even after I had my son, I never forgot I was ALSO a woman. Way too many women make the mistake of forgetting they're *women* and start defining themselves as mothers as soon as they have kids. If you're making that mistake, then stop.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

KM, You two need to sit down with each other and have a serious conversation about your needs and shared responsibilities. Maybe with a professional. Try to go out anywhere with each other, without the kids once a week. It does not cost a lot and can be very good for your relationship. Make each other your first priority. Your children need both parents working together. Your lives will only get busier from here on out until the kids leave home. I think many of us men don’t realize our wives need help, and put too much of our time into making money or hobbies that get us away from the home responsibilities. I have been there. I hope you both can talk things over or get some help. It is so worth it.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

rv10flyer said:


> KM, You two need to sit down with each other and have a serious conversation about your needs and shared responsibilities. Maybe with a professional. Try to go out anywhere with each other, without the kids once a week. It does not cost a lot and can be very good for your relationship. Make each other your first priority. Your children need both parents working together. Your lives will only get busier from here on out until the kids leave home. I think many of us men don’t realize our wives need help, and put too much of our time into making money or hobbies that get us away from the home responsibilities. I have been there. I hope you both can talk things over or get some help. It is so worth it.


This is what counseling is made for and this is the time when it is best and most effective. I learned that in my struggles over the last year with the STBXW. 

Counseling isn't for when marriage is has already been quit on by one or both partners, it is when you need a lifeline and when you start to to notice the issues and they affect you now, like they are. Don't let him off the hook. Let him know what you want to go to counseling and work through your problems BECAUSE you do love him and want your lives to be better. Chances are he will probably try to deflect it or say nothing's wrong but the future version of him would take this instead of a year or 2 from now when you are done and there's no turning back.

Please do both of yourselves a favor and make sure this gets communicated and followed through. It will be something that you will look back on later in life and see is a blip and glad you did it!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I would quietly snoop around to find out if there's another woman in the picture. There are a few red flags here that make me think he might be comparing you, and life at home with small children, unfavorably to another attractive someone in his life. What's so interesting on that phone he's glued to when he's at home?

If it's not that, then he's simply checking out. And he clearly lacks communication skills, relationship skills, and an understanding of what a loving, healthy, marriage actually looks like. You two need the help of a MC now, before things are really in crisis mode. 

If he's not willing to go to MC, then get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs for Parents by W. Harley, read it and implement it for yourself. Clean up your own side of the street, so that you know you're being the absolute best spouse you can be. Keep it up for at least 4 months. If he notices, it's time to sit down and have a calm discussion with him. Let him know that while you're happy to work on the marriage and meet his needs, you can't and won't continue to do it indefinitely unless he's willing to meet yours just as well and just as consistently. You cannot just give and he cannot just take. It's not sustainable. If he doesn't notice at the end of your trial period, takes all you do for him for granted as his due, or is unwilling to join you in improving the marriage, then you'll need to decide if you want to remain in a marriage with someone who is so clearly unconcerned about meeting your needs.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

He's mourning the loss of his independence and youth. 40 is around the corner... and he comes home every day to screaming kids and a wife who is losing patience with him. He wishes he could concentrate on his business more (that gives him energy), but it doesn't pay the bills... so he's stuck in a job he hates so that he can provide for his family. therefore he resents the family for keeping him from being happy.

He's also convinced that his super provider/sacrificer ways and his penis grant him unfettered access to your body and your servitude as wife and homemaker. 

Kids, business, job he hates, middle age around the corner...

If this guy has a hot young secretary at work that bats her eyelashes at him, he'll be all over that faster than you can say "ponytail and a red sports car".

He's craving independence, youth and energy.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Can someone point me to where she said the kids were always screaming?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Can someone point me to where she said the kids were always screaming?


Kids scream....

When they are happy, when they do not get 'their' way.

Especially, girls...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The cycle(s) begins.
The mid life crisis cycle(s). 

Saturnian, Uranian.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

KM87 said:


> We are going on 4 years of marriage this summer. He will be 39 in July. We have a 2 month old baby at home in addition to our 2 yr old son (whom my husband adores, even if he can't parent him well) and my 6.5 yr old daughter. Our kids are beautiful and healthy. My husband works hard at a job he dislikes, but he is promoting and growing his own business as well which allows him to spend time doing something he loves and is very talented at.
> 
> Basically what I think I'm getting at is, how/why is he so miserable? I can't work any harder to do all of the things than I already am and yet his life seems inadequate. I feel like he wants a different life than the one we're building together.


He is miserable because he does not have a wife or girlfriend. He has a cook and maid and blow up doll.

I understand you cannot work any harder. So you have to work smarter. Stop doing as much directly for the kids. Do more for your H.

The best thing you can do for your kids is stay married to your H. He sounds like a good man. He adores the kids. He works hard at a job he dislikes to provide for you and the kids and to build a better future. He is a keeper. It may seem like home schooling and giving 100% of your time and energy to the kids is what is best for them. But all that effort will be wasted if your H walks out the door. Public school and a happy marriage is better than divorce. Dirty clothes and a happy marriage is better than divorce. Macaroni and cheese out of a box and a happy marriage is better than divorce. Better for the kids. 

You are fooling yourself if you think everything you are doing for the kids is for the kids. Lots of it is for your own ego to see yourself as a super mom. And you are wrong. A mom who spends all her time focusing on the kids and not so much on her H is not a super Mom. She is risking a huge hit to the kids when dad leaves.

My wife and I are empty nesters. So many of our friends and neighbors got divorced when the last kid left home. Many of the wives are shocked. They wonder: how did this happen? Well it happened because they focused all their attention on the kids and none of their husband. And when the kids left home, the couple realized they no longer had any connection. If you think you can spend 20+ years focusing on your kids and then turn your attention to your H and your marriage when the kids are grown, there is a very good chance you will find you have no H and no marriage to turn to. He may not divorce you. But he will have checked out long ago.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Welcome to a life of servitude - a/k/a 'marriage.' You'll come to see (which I think you already have) it's a pretty thankless job.
> 
> I do have to say you have a *lot* of kids for people who are only married 4 years. You have the patience of a Saint but I have the feeling that coming home to 3 kids screaming and crying and fighting and causing havoc all night long is probably one of the reasons he's so miserable. Hell, I'm a woman and that would make ME miserable as well. Yes, he was part of the child making process (for two of them) but he clearly doesn't have the patience for them that you do. He's pretty much tuned out to the chaos.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your comments. I do agree the kids are making him miserable in the evenings. But what can be done about that? I do as much as I can to keep them away from him, occupied elsewhere - It's not lost on me that they are the source for some of his stress.

Also, I definitely have made the mistake of defining myself as mom. But I have no way of focusing on or investing in myself as a woman. And my husband removed any sort of quality time or interest in my life as soon as we got married (before the littlest 2 and back when I was able to maintain an identity separate from just mom). I totally agree that this is a problem, I just am at a loss for how to fix it.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

rv10flyer said:


> KM, You two need to sit down with each other and have a serious conversation about your needs and shared responsibilities. Maybe with a professional. Try to go out anywhere with each other, without the kids once a week. It does not cost a lot and can be very good for your relationship. Make each other your first priority. Your children need both parents working together. Your lives will only get busier from here on out until the kids leave home. I think many of us men don’t realize our wives need help, and put too much of our time into making money or hobbies that get us away from the home responsibilities. I have been there. I hope you both can talk things over or get some help. It is so worth it.


We went through HNHN and I spelled out my top needs many times. He took pride in the fact that he didn't have any needs. And basically because he doesn't (which I don't believe for a second) he doesn't feel like mine are important. He thinks the notion of roughly 14 hours a week invested in our relationship (as recommended by Hartley) is ridiculous. We average going out together once a year and have sibce we got married. It felt like a complete bait and switch to me. When we were datinghe worked more than he doesnow, and still prioritizedspending time with me everyday.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

KM87 said:


> Thanks so much for your comments. I do agree the kids are making him miserable in the evenings. But what can be done about that? I do as much as I can to keep them away from him, occupied elsewhere - It's not lost on me that they are the source for some of his stress.
> 
> Also, I definitely have made the mistake of defining myself as mom. But I have no way of focusing on or investing in myself as a woman. And my husband removed any sort of quality time or interest in my life as soon as we got married (before the littlest 2 and back when I was able to maintain an identity separate from just mom). I totally agree that this is a problem, I just am at a loss for how to fix it.


So many women just throw all their eggs into the mom basket and lose all sense of sexuality or "womanness". 

I would take the high road. You will be a super rare and awesome wife if you approached him and said you recognize and appreciate all he does for you and the family. Tell him how you know he loves the business, hates the job, annoyed by kids, not getting younger, have a nagging wife who is just mom 24/7 (Trust me... he thinks you nag. Just go with it.) Tell him you want to do a better job of being the sexy wife he fell in love with... but at the same time you have to take care of the house and kids, so he needs to be patient with you. You also need his help every now and then. 

Do you realize how many men just want to have their feelings validated? They want to be appreciated? They don't want to be a grumpy paycheck.

Then you find time to connect with him EVERY SINGLE DAY. Then you do something for yourself EVERY SINGLE DAY. You exercise. Read. Do something sweet for him, maybe. Get creative. 

You do ALL you can on your side of things. Point out all the positive. Be blunt. "Look, honey.. I lost 10 lbs this month. The baby weight is coming off! I'm taking the kids for a walk. Want to go with us or would you like some alone time?" Get him little loving notes every now and then.

Don't let him off the hook, though. If he can help, he needs to help. You be blunt about that, too.

Do all that for a few months and see what happens. Not working out? Time for Plan B.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

KM87 said:


> Thanks so much for your comments. I do agree the kids are making him miserable in the evenings. But what can be done about that? I do as much as I can to keep them away from him, occupied elsewhere - It's not lost on me that they are the source for some of his stress.
> 
> Also, I definitely have made the mistake of defining myself as mom. But I have no way of focusing on or investing in myself as a woman. And my husband removed any sort of quality time or interest in my life as soon as we got married (before the littlest 2 and back when I was able to maintain an identity separate from just mom). I totally agree that this is a problem, I just am at a loss for how to fix it.


KM, I'm looking you in the eyes and telling you this  

You don't need to know how to fix it, you just need to know what needs to be fixed. That's what the professionals are for. If you belong to a church, that may be a good first source of outreach. With my church is was Catholic Family Services and I called them and they pointed me to a marriage counselor. Not that it helped since wife was knee deep in an affair with her soulmate but that's another story lol. Get the process started, you know you need help now get someone to help you help yourselves.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I would quietly snoop around to find out if there's another woman in the picture. There are a few red flags here that make me think he might be comparing you, and life at home with small children, unfavorably to another attractive someone in his life. What's so interesting on that phone he's glued to when he's at home?
> 
> If it's not that, then he's simply checking out. And he clearly lacks communication skills, relationship skills, and an understanding of what a loving, healthy, marriage actually looks like. You two need the help of a MC now, before things are really in crisis mode.
> 
> If he's not willing to go to MC, then get a copy of His Needs, Her Needs for Parents by W. Harley, read it and implement it for yourself. Clean up your own side of the street, so that you know you're being the absolute best spouse you can be. Keep it up for at least 4 months. If he notices, it's time to sit down and have a calm discussion with him. Let him know that while you're happy to work on the marriage and meet his needs, you can't and won't continue to do it indefinitely unless he's willing to meet yours just as well and just as consistently. You cannot just give and he cannot just take. It's not sustainable. If he doesn't notice at the end of your trial period, takes all you do for him for granted as his due, or is unwilling to join you in improving the marriage, then you'll need to decide if you want to remain in a marriage with someone who is so clearly unconcerned about meeting your needs.


I'm pretty certain there is not another woman. His phone usage is fairly transparent. I believe it is an escape. Because his home is so awful for him.

We went through HNHN (I mentioned it in a response above). He made 0 effort to meet my needs and was proud to tell me that he had no needs (again, I don't buy it). But good advice - I will definitely review it and make sure my side of the street is cleaned up for a period to see if he'll join me. Thank you!


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> He's mourning the loss of his independence and youth. 40 is around the corner... and he comes home every day to screaming kids and a wife who is losing patience with him. He wishes he could concentrate on his business more (that gives him energy), but it doesn't pay the bills... so he's stuck in a job he hates so that he can provide for his family. therefore he resents the family for keeping him from being happy.
> 
> He's also convinced that his super provider/sacrificer ways and his penis grant him unfettered access to your body and your servitude as wife and homemaker.
> 
> ...


Exactly my thoughts too. Though I haven't found that there is another someone, yet.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> Can someone point me to where she said the kids were always screaming?


They're good kids. The toddler acts like a toddler sometimes, but is easily managed if there are clear boundaries in place (my husband's weakness). The baby is the most easygoing baby I've ever known.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How is your romance and sex life? Its very easy for that to fall apart when you have kids.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

KM87 said:


> Thanks so much for your comments. I do agree the kids are making him miserable in the evenings. But what can be done about that? I do as much as I can to keep them away from him, occupied elsewhere - It's not lost on me that they are the source for some of his stress.
> 
> Also, I definitely have made the mistake of defining myself as mom. But I have no way of focusing on or investing in myself as a woman. And* my husband removed any sort of quality time or interest in my life as soon as we got married (before the littlest 2* and back when I was able to maintain an identity separate from just mom). I totally agree that this is a problem, I just am at a loss for how to fix it.



It's possible your husband has an issue with equating the way you treat a wife with the way you treat a girlfriend. Men who do this don't see the point in continuing to date or engage with their wife after the wedding. The point of dating was to find a wife, so after that goal is met, they seem to feel their obligations are over. Now it's her job to function properly as a wife, with no further input or engagement from him. 

The reality is that in order to have marriage that's happy and healthy for both partners, the fun, joy, passion, engagement, and closeness of dating should continue throughout the marriage. You should continue to date your spouse. You, OP, absolutely need to remember to be a woman and a girlfriend and a lover to your husband, not just a wife and mom. But he also needs to remember to be a man and a boyfriend and a lover to his wife, not just a provider who's entitled to the services of a wife just because he's put a ring on your finger. In order to sustain a happy marriage, both of you need to keep being the person your partner fell in love with. And you both will need to keep treating your partner just as well, or even better, than you did when you fell in love with one another. 

If your husband honestly stopped being your lover and friend as soon as you married, then you two seriously need to be in MC. Someone is going to have to clue your husband in that the way to have a happy marriage is to keep treating your wife as well as you did when she was your girlfriend, and that message may be better heard (and less easily dismissed) if it comes from a third party.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Looks like there is a history here. Just looked at other threads - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/search.php?searchid=80815545

This is going to be harder than I thought but still worth the shot of them working on it together if he is willing, once KM Demands it!


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> He is miserable because he does not have a wife or girlfriend. He has a cook and maid and blow up doll.
> 
> I understand you cannot work any harder. So you have to work smarter. Stop doing as much directly for the kids. Do more for your H.
> 
> ...


He is a good man. A hard working man. However, he works hard at a crappy job because he's unwilling to seek out a better one (because the money I make enables this) where he could work smarter, not harder. He "works hard" to escape his home life as much as ge can.

He has also neglected me and my needs since we got married. And I've spelled them out for him more than once. See my responses above regarding our try at HNHN. And what I do is for my kids because they need one parent that is invested in them and their futures. I'm all about not making a mountain out of a molehill - there is dirty laundry when I can't keep up, and we do eat frozen pizza sometimes in the name of domestic tranquility. When you're doing everything for the home and kids because your "partner" hides at work, his needs (or lack thereof as he tells me) don't come first. And I have already asked him what happens in 20 years when the kids are gone and we're practically strangers. He doesn't believe that's going to happen.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> How is your romance and sex life? Its very easy for that to fall apart when you have kids.


Zero romance. Sex only when he isn't too tired and as long as it involves him getting a blow job first.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

KM87 said:


> I'm pretty certain there is not another woman. His phone usage is fairly transparent. I believe it is an escape. Because his home is so awful for him.
> 
> *We went through HNHN (I mentioned it in a response above). He made 0 effort to meet my needs and was proud to tell me that he had no needs *(again, I don't buy it). But good advice - I will definitely review it and make sure my side of the street is cleaned up for a period to see if he'll join me. Thank you!



Then I would say there are a few possibilities here. It's possible his needs are already being met well by you and he thinks that should be enough for you too. He may be unwilling to work on meeting your needs because he thinks you shouldn't have any that are separate from his. He may not really view you as an autonomous and separate person from him, with your own thoughts and feelings. This would indicate a lack of respect for you as a person and as his partner. It also speaks to either a misogynistic attitude whereby women simply aren't as important as men, or to a narcissistic attitude whereby other people simply aren't as important as he is. It's also possible he's so utterly out of touch with his own emotions - so lacking in self-awareness - that he cannot conceive of emotional needs or why anyone would have them. Or, then again, he could just be profoundly selfish and self-centered and be entirely unwilling to consider giving to you rather than taking from you. 

But no matter what's actually going on in his head, you need a very good MC to help you navigate it. This won't be something you can fix or change for him, and might not be anything you can get him to even understand needs fixing. Get a professional to help you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is the low frequency of sex his choice or yours. (independent of whether there are good reasons not to have sex).

Did he used to have interest in romance? Can you get someone to watch the kids for a romantic night out?






KM87 said:


> Zero romance. Sex only when he isn't too tired and as long as it involves him getting a blow job first.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Is the low frequency of sex his choice or yours. (independent of whether there are good reasons not to have sex).
> 
> Did he used to have interest in romance? Can you get someone to watch the kids for a romantic night out?


Our sex life waxes and wanes, sometimes due to him being tired or stressed. Recently, it was me because I was very pregnant and miserable. But baby is 2 months old and I'm pretty much back to normal physically and libido-wise. I tend to have a higher drive than he. 

It is nearly impossible to go out right now because of the baby. But he never made it a priority before that so I'm sure it wouldn't be any different. The few times we have been out since being married, it's just dinner. No meaningful conversation or anything. He just likes to critique restaurant food.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Were things good back when you were dating?

Its worth thinking hard about how to improve your sex life. That can just sort of put a cloud over everything else. 




KM87 said:


> Our sex life waxes and wanes, sometimes due to him being tired or stressed. Recently, it was me because I was very pregnant and miserable. But baby is 2 months old and I'm pretty much back to normal physically and libido-wise. I tend to have a higher drive than he.
> 
> It is nearly impossible to go out right now because of the baby. But he never made it a priority before that so I'm sure it wouldn't be any different. The few times we have been out since being married, it's just dinner. No meaningful conversation or anything. He just likes to critique restaurant food.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Were things good back when you were dating?
> 
> Its worth thinking hard about how to improve your sex life. That can just sort of put a cloud over everything else.


The sex was probably about the same frequency (we didn't live together, so our opportunities were fewer), but definitely more enthusiastic when we were dating.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> So many women just throw all their eggs into the mom basket and lose all sense of sexuality or "womanness".
> 
> I would take the high road. You will be a super rare and awesome wife if you approached him and said you recognize and appreciate all he does for you and the family. Tell him how you know he loves the business, hates the job, annoyed by kids, not getting younger, have a nagging wife who is just mom 24/7 (Trust me... he thinks you nag. Just go with it.) Tell him you want to do a better job of being the sexy wife he fell in love with... but at the same time you have to take care of the house and kids, so he needs to be patient with you. You also need his help every now and then.
> 
> ...



If I could "Like" this 10 times, I would. Sage advice here!

Op, don't let anyone tell you that this is babying him or giving in to a bad attitude. Many men of this age are still not taught to express needs and emotions, but they still have them - and sometimes come out in odd ways. Sometimes taking the high road will yield the best results...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It sounds like depression that he is trying to hide. 

I will not jump to another woman. 

If he isn’t willing to work on this not much you can do.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

All situations are different, so I may be way off base. 

Do you think the lack of romance / passion / sex is a cause or an effect, or maybe not that important for you as a couple

Children are huge stressors for relationships. They absorb a lot of the attention that would otherwise be spent on one's partner. 







KM87 said:


> The sex was probably about the same frequency (we didn't live together, so our opportunities were fewer), but definitely more enthusiastic when we were dating.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> It's possible his needs are already being met well by you and he thinks that should be enough for you too. He may be unwilling to work on meeting your needs because he thinks you shouldn't have any that are separate from his.


I may well be projecting, but this jumped out at me. My exh was fine with me, so in his mind I should have been fine with him. And if what I needed didn't "come naturally" for him, tough luck.

It IS important to always prioritize your marriage, but if that is the source of his grief, then hiding from home so that you have no CHOICE but to do everything is counterproductive. Yes, you need to be his wife....but he needs to be a husband...and a grownup.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> I may well be projecting, but this jumped out at me. My exh was fine with me, so in his mind I should have been fine with him. And if what I needed didn't "come naturally" for him, tough luck.


This is my husband! He will occasionally try to give me some quality time (my primary love language), when he senses I'm just at the end of what I'll tolerate. And this drives me crazy! By then, I'm usually too angry or upset for it to make any difference. He's proven he knows what I need, he just refuses to do it unless it's nearly a crisis for me. Someone mentioned him not recognizing my needs as legitimate if they differ from his. I think that very much applies as well. And he always tells me he has no needs...therefore I shouldn't have any either.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> All situations are different, so I may be way off base.
> 
> Do you think the lack of romance / passion / sex is a cause or an effect, or maybe not that important for you as a couple
> 
> Children are huge stressors for relationships. They absorb a lot of the attention that would otherwise be spent on one's partner.


I think it's usually more causal. Though I do know that if he's particularly stressed (usually related to finances) or tired (because of how much he works) he might be less up for it. And i just don't think he thinks romance is important in a marriage. He did what he had to to marry me, and now I'm stuck, so he doesn't feel the need to make the effort. 

As to the kids, this is true. I just don't think he's ever up for the extra effort it requires to work around this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KM87 said:


> Thanks so much for your comments. I do agree the kids are making him miserable in the evenings. But what can be done about that? I do as much as I can to keep them away from him, occupied elsewhere - It's not lost on me that they are the source for some of his stress.


So, THIS is the wrong thing to do. He is their father... he doesn't get a pass on childcare because he works! He MUST participate in parenting HIS children. What a load of crap. Also as their full time caretaker, YOU need a break sometimes as well, and this is important for him to do for you. 




KM87:19508409 said:


> Also, I definitely have made the mistake of defining myself as mom. But I have no way of focusing on or investing in myself as a woman. And my husband removed any sort of quality time or interest in my life as soon as we got married (before the littlest 2 and back when I was able to maintain an identity separate from just mom). I totally agree that this is a problem, I just am at a loss for how to fix it.


What did he do that removed these things? And why did you tolerate that? That isn't ok!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Hmm. I guess a very basic question is does he want to make you happy? Do you want to make him happy. 

If he wants you to be happy, but is just overwhelmed, overworked, overstressed, etc, there may be some way for him to do it. If he doesn't care about your happiness, that is a much deeper problem. 

If its the first, does he really know what makes you happy? Sometimes people waste a lot of effort doing things for their partner, that are not really what that partner wants. 




KM87 said:


> I think it's usually more causal. Though I do know that if he's particularly stressed (usually related to finances) or tired (because of how much he works) he might be less up for it. And i just don't think he thinks romance is important in a marriage. He did what he had to to marry me, and now I'm stuck, so he doesn't feel the need to make the effort.
> 
> As to the kids, this is true. I just don't think he's ever up for the extra effort it requires to work around this.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> So, THIS is the wrong thing to do. He is their father... he doesn't get a pass on childcare because he works! He MUST participate in parenting HIS children. What a load of crap. Also as their full time caretaker, YOU need a break sometimes as well, and this is important for him to do for you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's definitely how I feel. I have been becoming more and more tired and stressed out trying to keep everything perfect for him when he's home - and even that doesn't keep him happy. 

And he just started working so much that I had to do everything for the house, kids and my work with no help. So I don't have any help to make time for how I used to take care of myself. I guess I just started doing what I had to and sacrificed the non-necessities.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

KM87 said:


> And i just don't think he thinks romance is important in a marriage. He did what he had to to marry me, and now I'm stuck, so he doesn't feel the need to make the effort.


I went back to your first post here - November 2017 - and it appears this is an ongoing problem. Forget trying to "make" him happy. Happiness is an inside job. Either he's satisfied with life or he's not. His life. His choice. From what you have been posting for the past six months, it sounds like your husband has checked out, emotionally-speaking, from the marriage. You feel trapped. 

Frankly, it sounds like it would be better for you to develop interests/hobbies/friendships with other people. Are you friends with other parents in your neighborhood? How about setting up play dates for your kids where you can hang out with parents at the same time? How about family - do you have a support system there?

All I can tell you are my impressions from what you have written. And it doesn't sound like it's going to end as a happily-ever-after. Yeah, I also call total b.s. on your husband saying he doesn't have needs. However, it's a way for him to justify not meeting yours, isn't it?

Besides developing a support system, it would behoove you to start planning to work full-time when the baby is pre-school age (maybe around 4?). I'm suggesting that because you may find it necessary to leave the marriage. I, personally, would not live with someone like your husband. Being alone in a marriage is no way to live. Something to consider ...


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I went back to your first post here - November 2017 - and it appears this is an ongoing problem. Forget trying to "make" him happy. Happiness is an inside job. Either he's satisfied with life or he's not. His life. His choice. From what you have been posting for the past six months, it sounds like your husband has checked out, emotionally-speaking, from the marriage. You feel trapped.
> 
> Frankly, it sounds like it would be better for you to develop interests/hobbies/friendships with other people. Are you friends with other parents in your neighborhood? How about setting up play dates for your kids where you can hang out with parents at the same time? How about family - do you have a support system there?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your comments. I definitely see what you're saying. I do feel like I can only handle so much of this - It's just a matter of time. I do work part time right now - i continue to maintain my studio, though it adds still more to my plate, because I am not sure this will work out and I know I may well need a way to support myself and my kids. Thankfully, I love what I do! 

Yes, I do have some support from nearby family. I also am constantly setting up play dates and outings for my kiddos with other like-minded parents and kids. I believe it is important for my kids to have a solid core group as well as more support for myself. Outside of my marriage, my life is pretty great - tiring and wild at times, but I love my kids, I love my work, my family and friends. It's just, as you said, being alone in your marriage is no way to live. Thanks for offering your thoughts based upon my "story", I appreciate your time.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Hmm. I guess a very basic question is does he want to make you happy? Do you want to make him happy.
> 
> If he wants you to be happy, but is just overwhelmed, overworked, overstressed, etc, there may be some way for him to do it. If he doesn't care about your happiness, that is a much deeper problem.
> 
> If its the first, does he really know what makes you happy? Sometimes people waste a lot of effort doing things for their partner, that are not really what that partner wants.


I do believe he loves me, but doesn't want to put in the effort. I want to make him happy - that's why his funk puzzles me. He goes to work, for as long as he wants, comes home, eats, maybe spends some time with the kids before i get them to bed, and then my husband falls asleep. I'm really not sure why he's so unhappy - he pretty much does his own thing everyday.

I have told him more than once what I need to be happy/what I'm missing in our relationship. He often points out something he did to show he cares. I've told him that while I appreciate what he does help me with, what I really want is for him to want to spend time with me. So he keeps doing things occasionally, always pointing them out, and then can't understand why i still need time. Because thats not important to him, it musn't be important to me. I don't know how else to get my point across.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Not saying this is what you are doing, it’s just my personal experience with my wife. 

Through many different things she made me feel she didn’t care if I was around or not. She proved by her actions she wanted to be around the kids and her family, not me.

Also my wife and I have only been on 3 dates in 21 years, her choice by always saying no when I asked about a date night or weekend getaway. I finally turned my attention completely to the kids.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Communicating...is over rated.
How about DOING stuff.
go take the kids on a hike this weekend. He may not be very talkative, but getting outside, doing physical effort, having fun with his family, getting some sunshine...ALL will help his outlook.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't have any more children. He can't handle the ones you have. He could learn to but he would need to be interested enough to try and that's not what his actions so far say. He may or may not change. Hopefully, he will when he realizes the seriousness of the situation but you need to be prepared if he doesn't. Many don't and it's a very hard life when you have a partner like that. My ex-H was a workaholic and never changed. Fortunately, we only had one child but I always felt like a single parent. That was not a fun way to live and I don't recommend it.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> Communicating...is over rated.
> How about DOING stuff.
> go take the kids on a hike this weekend. He may not be very talkative, but getting outside, doing physical effort, having fun with his family, getting some sunshine...ALL will help his outlook.


Thanks for the ideas! Unfortunately, I often do these things with the kids and try to get him to join us, but he won't. He usually takes times like those for himself to be home alone or pursuing one of his hobbies alone. He greatly values his alone time. He will rarely join us, which makes me sad.


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

He sounds depressed.

Sometimes depressed people know it, especially if it's more sudden and they haven't been prone to it in the past.

Other times it's more chronic and the person has experienced it for so long it's their "normal" and they are completely unaware of how they appear to others.

It's really hard to help someone that a) doesn't want to be helped or b) doesn't think they NEED help.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Don't have any more children. He can't handle the ones you have. He could learn to but he would need to be interested enough to try and that's not what his actions so far say. He may or may not change. Hopefully, he will when he realizes the seriousness of the situation but you need to be prepared if he doesn't. Many don't and it's a very hard life when you have a partner like that. My ex-H was a workaholic and never changed. Fortunately, we only had one child but I always felt like a single parent. That was not a fun way to live and I don't recommend it.


Thanks for your advice. Do you mind my asking if that was a big factor in your divorce?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

KM87

several things stood out to me on your orginal post. as others have posted and having read your other responses, i'd like to offer you my opinion.

for sure your husband is depressed and closed down to you. I agree with this and here is why.

it struck me as odd when you said your husband gets "walked on" by your kids but not you, as you have firmer boundaries and he has none. I mention this because kids really learn their behaviours form their parents. what I am wondering, is do YOU walk all over your husband? it seem like you have the final word in many situations and I'm thinking he has simply stopped trying to be as assertive as you are being in a no win situation.

its been suggested you are in "super mom" mode. and from your posts I believe that to be accurate. someone else went as far as saying he had a maid and blow up doll......i'd be willing to bet this is accurate. you have said how passion is gone from you lives...can you see how YOU are just as responsible for this as he is?

you mention how he goes to work and does as he pleases......I am guessing he stays late at work or does hobbies or whatever....because he would rather do that then come home to a naggy unhappy wife. You went as far as saying "you know what his thoughts are" and that he "know he should do something but refuses"......im not so sure about this one. if you knew him so well you wouldn't need to come here asking for advise. its even worse then that...you said he pointed out things "he did for you" but then went on to say it wasn't what YOU wanted or needed etc......ouch....if I washed my wifes car for her and she said "thanks but why didn't you mow the lawn".......well you can bet I wouldn't be jumping though any hoops to do much of anything else nice for her.

to me everything you have written here drips of a woman who has made EVERTHING else in life a priority and you husband is down at the bottom of the list. others here have asked you things and you always seem to come back with a reason why your husband is screwing up. I think you need to do some real inner reflection and think about your treatment of him and think about that.

I also think you should invite him here. there are two sides to every story. if you really want to fix this.......both sides need to be heard. and since you have told him all these concerns before, it should be no surprise to him hearing these things.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

x598 said:


> KM87
> 
> several things stood out to me on your orginal post. as others have posted and having read your other responses, i'd like to offer you my opinion.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your comments. This is a lot to ponder! I also sense there is a lot of truth to what you're saying regarding his position through it all. And that makes me feel bad, as I do love my husband and want him to succeed - we need him to succeed. 

A very preliminary response I have is that I do believe he is the head/leader of our home and I try to treat him as such - especially in front of the children (I nearly always defer to his word until we have time to discuss it alone. And even then, I yield to him except on a few subjects for which I feel it necessary to fall on my sword.) Also, he's been very checked out (unless he wants sex) since we got married. Given that, I guess I haven't considered that he's responding to my being super mom and not prioritizing him as I should. I feel like both of those things are natural consequences of his lack of involvement in my life, and our family, from the start. But if I need to change to prompt him to action, I will certainly get to work. Thanks again for your thoughtful assessment!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

KM87 said:


> Thanks for your advice. Do you mind my asking if that was a big factor in your divorce?


I was married for a very long time so it was only one factor of many but it made for a difficult life and a lot of resentment over the years. No matter how many times we had that discussion, there was only ever temporary change on his part. He apparently thought I would never divorce him and was very surprised when I did. 

People definitely can change but they often don't. Too much work. Too little motivation. I hope your husband is one who will.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

aerobic exercise works wonders for defeating depression.

So even if he says he does not want to go outside with you and the kids, IF you somehow get him out there....his outlook will naturally improve.

so...really explain this to him. Have the kids work on him, as in "dad, can you take us fishing this weekend?", and so on.


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