# His EA, and he's suspicious of me! So unfair



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I wanted to share about something that is bothering me a little and what, if anything, I shoild do about it.

My H had an EA. As part of the recovery process, we had complete transparency. This meant I had access to his cell, cell records, facebook, email and anything else I wanted. And he had the same back. To be upfront, we agreed that we would have an "open book" policy, that is, I'd be free to check whatever whenever, he'd leave his cell out and I was free to pick it up and have a browse if I wanted. And vice versa for him.

Now, I have checked on a regular basis since I found out. I obviously had no problems with him checking my stuff. I naively thought he wouldn't be bothered; for me it was a meet-him-halfway respectful gesture to encourage openness. 

But I have realized that he has been acquainting himself with stuff, in the main with my cell. I have noticed him a few times looking through messages, and he has asked me stuff, and other times it has been apparent that he has been through my cell and known about stuff before I've mentioned it.

He's never been suspicious before. But now and again I'll get the odd question. He'll check I've been where I've said I was going. Nothing crazy, but it bothers me. I feel actually quite angry. It's like he's aware now of how easy it is to be sneaky and is checking I'm not doing the same. He even said a while ago that one of his major fears is that I will go and have a revenge affair.

So, what should I do? Is it an unfortunate side effect of his EA, another thing I have to deal with? The thing is, I 've always been open about what I'm doing, where and who with. I just feel really uncomfortable with knowing he's rifling through my messages and stuff even though in principle I'm behind the idea of being transparent. I hate being judged for what he did :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Projection


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if you have nothing to hide then why the concern? If anything, he'll get bored eventually when he sees you are up to mundane tasks (and hopefully the same will happen to you)

Just the other night I was out smoking (yeah yeah I know) and was browsing the forum on my phone. My wife came out to join me and I know that she doesn't like my nose buried in the phone when she's around, so as a courtesy and to give her my attention I quickly turned off the phone and put it in my pocket.

But to her this looked weird, as if I was trying to hide something. She made a joke about it so I immediately diffused the situation and handed her the phone and said, "You are more than welcome to snoop around as much as you'd like. I have nothing to hide, I was merely affording you my full attention." 
She took the phone for a few minutes browsed around and made a joke that I was truly a boring person without her. I know her joking covered her underlying worry and concern but I was able to allay that fear rather easily and I had no problems doing it and I expect the same from her and she has done as such (since dday).


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think it's a combination of projection like JB says and it just being more top of mind right now. He knows your checking him so it's on his mind more than normal so he thinks to check on you. I always would periodically check on my wife but after my affair I did it more than normal. Not that I was suspicious of anything, it was just more on my mind. As I processed and reflected on what I had done I would think about my phone and what a integral part of my affair it was, if my wife's phone was nearby when these thoughts ran through my head I would pick it up and check - just out of reflex. I would bet as time goes on if your R continues to progress it will take care of itself.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Sounds like a simple case of "Lets see how you like it." Immature? Yes.

or

It could be a feeble attempt to blame shift. 

Either way I agree with Almostrecovered...he will eventually get bored.


GM


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Sounds like a simple case of "Lets see how you like it." Immature? Yes.
> 
> or
> 
> ...


I honestly don't think he's being petty. Or trying to blame shift. My take is that he's realized how easy it is to hide stuff and has more than a passing thought that it's quite feasible I could be doing exactly the same to him right under his nose and he'd be otherwise completely unaware. So he's checking up.

Almostrecovered, the concern is because he has NO reason to think I have done anything: except for the fact that HE has done something. That I am being "investigated" (bit strong but you know what I mean) not because of my actions but because of HIS actions during his EA. The even stupider thing is that on the one hand he's said he completely trusts me and knows I wouldn't do anything like that to him ever (what I used to think about him) yet on the other hand he's worried I'd have a revenge affair and is checking up on me.

I almost think at times he's trying to catch me out by checking my messages then asking me stuff to see if what I say tallies with what he's read... The thing is, there's nothing to tell. I won't apologize for saying it ****s me off completely because I have been nothing but open with him ever.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's projecting his lack of being trustworthy on to you.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Atholk said:


> He's projecting his lack of being trustworthy on to you.


Absolutely. It sucks.

We were talking earlier about the fitness classes I have been going to. We were out swimming at the centre where the classes are held, and he saw some of the trainers (mostly male.) I've had a meeting with one recently to get a gym workout set up, and my H thought I was quite naive about what the trainers are like (not at all!) 

He went on to ask, did I "like" any of them? Said it was a bad idea to be in close proximity to someone you like kn a regular basis. I'm not sure what is going on in his head, but I feel he's trying to say something in a very roundabout way. Maybe how easy it is for boundaries to be crossed without intending to. All of a sudden he's acting like a wise old sage now he knows I'm around fit attractive guys. 

I sense he's worried, and sense some insecurity. It is partly linked to the changes in me since his EA. I realize I have become more confident in myself and my appearance, and my sexuality. Hard to define exactly but it's there. I know he sees it and combined with his own insecurities about himself, he is anxious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

WW, that ^^ sounds so similar to my wife and I. She too has gained confidence in herself, her appearance and her sexuality post my EA. And, my insecurities are all still there for me, and now I realize just how easy it is to end up in something you never intended so I worry some. I can completely see myself making a comment if my wife were surrounded by physical trainers like you've described. I think it comes from two places. First is I have a renewed appreciation for what I have to lose and just how fast it can happen. Second I think people tend to forget that not everyone sees things the way they do. Meaning that because your H has that insecurity he subconsciously assigns the same to you. I can see how it's annoying but I can so see me and my wife in your post and I would never mean a thing by any of it. I will, however, be more cognizant of it as a result of this thread.

Have you pointed it out to him and told him it bothers you? I'd approach this carefully, done wrong it could come off as "I'm not the one who cheated, you have no right to question me, now leave me the hell alone" versus "honey, this hurts my feelings a little."

On a lighter note, my wife likes to tease me that, "you got to have a girlfriend, I lose weight and look better, I'm more confident, I'm better in bed, our marriage is as good as it's ever been - how in the hell is this not a win for you??" All I can do is bat my eyes and say "I love you!!"


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

My wife had the EA, and I did the same thing. Gave her all my passwords, etc, so she could check stuff if she wanted, her knowing I would do the same with hers. Neither of us have ever put passwords on our phones.

And she checks my email. She does this to see what I am saying about her to my friends. Once in awhile I will forget she can see it, say something she doesn't like, and she'll call me on it. Not sure it was the best decision, to be honest, but I felt it was the best move at the time, and going back on it now would encourage her to get more private as well.


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