# Wifes Past and My Feelings



## ripken (Jun 11, 2012)

my wife and i have been married for 2 years and havr been dating for 8 years. We are 23. We dated all through HS. During that time, she cheated MANY times. She also lied, adn the only way I found out is from other people, and even when I approached her I had to PRY it out of her, receiving info one piece at a time, each piece being ore extreme than the last. I am confident that she is faithful now in our marriage. I can see she has a different approach to it. But a lot of times I feel like there is more to the things from our past. She also cheated on me while we were engaged and she was at the beach. she said it was only one kiss, and that is the ONLY thing she has ever openly admitted to me, and she only told me 6 weeks before we got married, 10 weeks after it happened. I feel like there is more to that specific incident. When a random number calls my phone, I cant help but feel like someone is calling me to tell me something else she did. I dont REALLY think it is going to happen (why would it, lol), but that is the feeling I get. How do I fix this situation?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"Why would it, lol?"

Seriously? Because it has happened many times before and she never had to pay any consequences for it?

You can't fix this situation. You may possibly be able to manage it, maybe, but it doesn't look promising to me.


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## ripken (Jun 11, 2012)

consequences were definitely paid. Our relationship was very polar in highschool. I required VERy much of her so that I felt like I could trust her (FREQUENT updates, total transparency, etc, etc). She worked through them to earn my trust again.

I just feel weird. When I worry, I associate it with those feelings. I trust her to not hurt me now, but i feel like it MIGHT be POSSIBLE for her to not have told me everything. It is difficult to explain...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't think it's difficult to explain at all, but I do think you are fooling yourself. I think she was probably too young to get married, but I will step aside and let other commenters weigh in. Good luck to you.


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## ripken (Jun 11, 2012)

One more thing: we are happily married currently. She knos about these feelings, and we are still happy. We deal. She is open for discussion. Blunt with her answers.


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## ripken (Jun 11, 2012)

bump. 

I would really like a few more opinions on this situation. Im not sure what sho9uld be done here, or if anything should be done.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Go read the infidelity forum. For you to get past this your wife is going to have to do certain things. Full disclosure, full transparancy, show remorse, etc. and other things I can't remember. You have to work together with her doing most of the heavy lifting in order for you to get past this. And from what I hear it takes time...a lot of time to heal from betrayals that you have endured.

For 8 years she cheated on you and you want to just be 'over it' in 2. It doesn't work that way. 

Sorry.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

My question is, why did you marry someone whom you know lied to you and cheated on you all the way up to your wedding (if not during your marriage)? You say you got transparency, but your lingering doubts say otherwise. You're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. That's no way to conduct a marriage.

I agree with lamaga that you were both too young to get married. Something you don't realize at 21: you don't have to marry someone just because you love them. You can choose to end the relationship, heal your heart from it, and move on to find someone more suitable.

Moving forward, I would say that if you intend to stay married to her, then you need total transparency - passwords, phone, the whole nine yards. It's the "trust but verify" that many promote here.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You married a girl who repeatedly cheated? For 8 fricken years? Please tell me you aren't breeding too!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

ripken said:


> I am confident that she is faithful now in our marriage.


O really?

Weren't you confident too when she was cheated MANY times?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Get tested for STDs.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tammers he's 23. 

Cut him some slack. Just a little.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Her history is certainly a matter of concern and she DOES have a potential to cheat again, since she cheated on you MANY times in the past, and even when you were engaged. I don't know what makes so you hopeful that it will not happen again? 

Had I been in your shoes I wouldn't have married her after understanding that she cheated many times while being committed. However you seem to overindulge in wishful thinking, where in you think that it will not happen again, when there is no reason for being so optimistic about it.

I guess I would just advice you to 
1. Be cautious and keep your eyes and ears open all the time
2. Not indulge in blind faith due to the cheating history
3. Take required steps to enforce strict boundaries
4. Probably consider MC if it makes sense

You might also want to post this in 'Coping with Infidelity' section on the forum


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ripken said:


> When a random number calls my phone, I cant help but feel like someone is calling me to tell me something else she did. I dont REALLY think it is going to happen (why would it, lol), but that is the feeling I get. How do I fix this situation?


The sensation you have is one of hypervigilance. The feelings you have when you see a random number come up and assume the worst is called a "trigger." Both of these together mean that you are suffering some form of post traumatic stress due to the cheating and lies.

Your rational conscious mind wants to trust her, but the subconscious irrational part of your brain, and your body, do not. Your sensations are your body's way of protecting you from additional harm. You've suffered quite a bit, and so there's a part of you that's trying to tell you, get away from the danger.

Post traumatic stress doesn't mean that she's cheating now. But the fact that you feel this as a common, perhaps even everyday, sensation means that you have not

1. dealt with her cheating in a straight forward fashion (see Mavash's post above). Instead, you've probably engaged in some degree of rugsweeping, which means that you have not addressed WHY she found it to be a good idea to lie and cheat in the past. Maybe it's immaturity. Maybe it's low self-esteem. Maybe she's just not that into you. But you need to find out.

2. sought enough counseling for yourself. You need counseling for two reasons--to heal from the infliction of emotional distress that she's caused you; but also, to understand WHY you kept going back for more. You are both very young so again it may be nothing more than immaturity. But at least in adults, returning over and over to someone who hurts you this way would signal an abusive relationship. So even if you were teenagers when this happened, I'd still seek counseling to sort it all out.

The person you marry should be the person you trust MOST in the world. You are, after all, looking for the person who will be there through the very worst of times (along with the best). Are you willing to spend the next 50 or 60 years in the state of mind and body you're in now? Because that's what you're contemplating.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The real question you need to ask yourself---is WHY---did she cheat on you, in your relationship prior to mge.

The point being if she has it in her to cheat, she will cheat again

Mge is hard work, at best---if you are in a long lasting mge---there are many points, where unless the 2 partners, are really into making sure everything is always spiced up---things will get boring, same old, same old---many times this is a point where some spouses, stray for many, many reasons---but they do stray

You might wanna get her into IC, to see what made her stray on you while in H S, just maybe there were FOO, problems, just maybe it was the group she ran with, when she was not with you,----I know that as kids, things are looked at differently, than as adults

Also, until you do find out WHY, she found it necessary to stray on you, I would be very reluctant to have kids, if I were you, at least at this point in time, and even for a few years down the road.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't know...I would say the high school stuff is troubling as to why you never dumped her after all the cheating. But I would let that go. High school people don't usually have the maturity to be in a comitted relationship.

But the kiss during engagement....that gives me pause. But since you chose to forget it and marry her anyways you sort of have to live with her past. Unless she gives you a reason to doubt her now...the only thing you can do is let it go.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Why on Earth did you marry her? 

I think you married too young and to the wrong person, I can’t see how this is going to end well. Being married doesn’t change who you are and the fact that you took her back so many times after her past cheating tells her that she knows what she needs to do to get away with it in the future. In her mind she knows you will never leave her so she has little incentive to remain faithful. The fact she cheated so many times also shows how little she respects you or relationships in general and it shows how low her morals are. 

If you stay with her you will have to watch your back forever. You should never marry someone you don’t trust.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

ripken said:


> my wife and i have been married for 2 years and havr been dating for 8 years. We are 23. We dated all through HS. During that time, she cheated MANY times. She also lied, adn the only way I found out is from other people, and even when I approached her I had to PRY it out of her, receiving info one piece at a time, each piece being ore extreme than the last. I am confident that she is faithful now in our marriage. I can see she has a different approach to it. But a lot of times I feel like there is more to the things from our past. She also cheated on me while we were engaged and she was at the beach. she said it was only one kiss, and that is the ONLY thing she has ever openly admitted to me, and she only told me 6 weeks before we got married, 10 weeks after it happened. I feel like there is more to that specific incident. When a random number calls my phone, I cant help but feel like someone is calling me to tell me something else she did. I dont REALLY think it is going to happen (why would it, lol), but that is the feeling I get. How do I fix this situation?


If you know for a fact she is faithful these days like you say then you need to let the past go if you want it to work. Holding onto resentment will bury your relationship. I know, I have pretty much let it bury mine. So decide how you feel, if you are willing to trust her 100% and make everything work and you feel she is 100% devoted to you now then just find a way to let go. She was really young when she did a lot of that stuff, maybe she has grown past it and realized how special you are to her. Just weigh everything out rationally and decide what you want to do. If you are sure she is faithful now, then that is all that matters. Chalk the other stuff in your pasts as being young and dumb. It would be another story if you two were in your late 20's or 30's because I'd say she is set in her ways but if she seems devoted now and is dedicated that is what matters most.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I don't know...I would say the high school stuff is troubling as to why you never dumped her after all the cheating. But I would let that go. High school people don't usually have the maturity to be in a comitted relationship.
> 
> But the kiss during engagement....that gives me pause. But since you chose to forget it and marry her anyways you sort of have to live with her past. Unless she gives you a reason to doubt her now...the only thing you can do is let it go.


Agreed. He married her knowing this already so now he is having second thoughts? If she is faithful like he says right now and he is sure of it then he shouldn't let resenment and insecurity eat him up now.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

If you were so sure she was faithful, you would not have posted another thread asking about the use of polygraphs in marriage counseling.

It's okay if you are suspicious, but if you cannot even be honest with an anonymous forum, what are the odds you are going to be honest in marriage counseling?

Stop worrying about her and start worrying about you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Find a poster called Sweetandsour or HeadSpinning. Read their stories


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stupid kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Sure wish you had asked before you married her. You're going to be a repeat customer. Someone buy this kid a coffee mug and put it up on the shelf next to the coffee pot. He's going to be coming here a lot.

Sorry not trying to make light of the situation. She sounds like she's not marriage material but too late, you married her. I advise you to tell her in no uncertain terms what will happen the very next time she cheats which is, divorce, and you move on, never to talk to her again. Then keep your eyes and ears open for when she cheats so you can put your plan in motion. I suspect you won't have a long wait. Oh, and sorry you're here.


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