# Can't Figure Out Our Next Step



## Thrawn (Jun 17, 2012)

Not even sure where to start, work up from the beginning I guess just hitting the big points.

My wife and I were married 7 years ago, it was pretty quickly but we were happy. However we did quickly realize we had some issues. The big two were a lack of common interests and the typical sex issues. Both of our favorite hobbies and interests don't really overlap at all, this is an issues I would try to bring up and discuss and my wife would kind of just treat it as "It will work out, everything is fine." and that's it. The sex issues were simply, I wanted it all the time, she never thinks about it at all. When we do, it's fantastic for both of us. But she never thinks about it, never is interested, just seemingly has no drive for it at all and apparently never really has.

So fast forward to almost two years ago, we still have these same issues but outside of those our marriage seems mostly good. But I have gone back to school in additional to working full time and my wife was in the process of starting her own business so we barely saw each other. 

Then the bomb happened, I had an affair. It was just a one night stand type thing while my wife was away. I told my wife about it the next day the first chance I got. My wife left to stay at a friends for a weekend to think things over. I became near suicidal with depression and guilt, I didn't eat, I didn't leave the house, I couldn't bring myself to be interested in anything. Eventually my wife came home and we talked, a lot. She took me back and we felt like if we could overcome that our marriage would only become stronger for it. In hindsight..I worry she just took my back out of guilt or worry about what I was doing to myself. I found out she only even told a couple people what happened because she didn't want everyone hating me for it. I to this day feel like I deserved to have people hate me for it, but my wife is an amazingly caring person.

So fast forward to a few months ago (about 1 1/2 year after the affair). I'm still in school full time, my wife is running her business more than full time. We talk daily but we rarely see each other except for Saturday. We still have the sex and common interest issues. The affair is mostly behind us, I realize she can never trust me completely after what I did but she tells me she has forgiven me. But she starts to really change, instead of just not being interested in sex she reflexively pulls away when I try to kiss or touch her. I hear from her less and less during the week and it becomes obvious that something has changed.

After a terrible few weeks I basically get out of her that she doesn't love me anymore, and isn't sure if she can again. She think's she doesn't have the sexual attraction because she married me more out of a "motherly take care of you" type of love than a husband and wife attraction. (Ok, that sounds a little weird put like that but I hope people will understand the meaning.) She feels like her personality is changing and she is standing up for herself more and feels like what happened with the affair was just her pushing it aside and letting me walk over her and now she is ready to deal with it. She goes to live with per parents and starts telling people what happened and that she isn't sure if she wants to continue the marriage. 

Now after she's gone for a few weeks I find myself in a very tough spot. What I did to her was terrible and I can never fault her if she leaves me for it. But after I've had so much time to heal the more she's gone the more I realize how much I need her and love her. I start making huge efforts to make sure she knows how I feel and that I'm willing to make adjustments and changes, but to not smother her or push her away. I make sure that she know's I want her back, but I want her to come back because she wants to, not out of guilt or whatever. Her parents are very religious and laying all kinds of terrible guilt trips on her that amount to "It doesn't matter how unhappy you are divorce is never an option, you make it work." Which I don't agree with. She has friends saying "He cheated, just dump his ass and leave." She realizes more and more that sex is a very mental thing for her, sharing a strong bond with common interests is what gets her going. She feels *very, very* strongly about some of her interests and can't get over the fact that we aren't on the same page. It's stuff as simple as, she almost obsessively loves the Beatles, I'm not a big fan. She is stuck in this horrible spot where she puts it as "Old me wants to come home to what I know and be content and be comfortable. New me wants to run and enjoy myself and see if I can be happier elsewhere." I could go on and on about all of this but I think he idea comes across. She currently isn't living at home and last week started to go see a therapist once a week.

But then we come to the reason that pushed me here to make this big personal post. We had a date this weekend to see how things turned out. We went to a movie, we went to dinner. We both went back to the house and talked a LOT, we ended up having sex (which I think was more almost pity than interest from her) and she stayed the night. But the big thing that came out, she has strong feelings for someone else and has for a while. She pretty much told me that the last time she got together with him and had coffee she had to leave because she knew she would have sex with him if she stayed. She always wants to spend more time with him, she feels like she has this strong connection with him and on and on. She feels horribly guilty about all of this and has broken off contact with him from now (her own choice and decision) but I don't think it will last. She said she hasn't done anything physical and I believe her, but it really throws me for a loop.

Now I have no idea what to do, should I still keep fighting for someone that doesn't love me and wants someone else? Is she leaving me because of the affair, or is the affair and excuse to leave me for someone else? Is the right thing for her to do to just cut this person off and come home and try to force things to work? I'm really at a loss now, I thought I had a decent handle on things and where we could head good or bad, but now I'm completely in the dark and don't know if our marriage is salvageable anymore.

I currently don't really have any friends in my life that even know how bad our situation is or that I can feel I can talk to about this and get unbiased opinions. So here I am posting on a random internet forum, any suggestions, discussion, opinions or anything will be very appreciated.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Just let her go dude. Never beg for love. That is very unattractive, She is going out in the world, seeing herself as this big biz woman, and feel she has outgrown you. So show her she is just as replacable as you are. You have a full time job, and school, so once you read and start doing the 180, also read Just Let Them Go. Many will tell you to bust up the fantasy of hers, I say, you don't want me, well you are not worth me crying over. Oh, she didn't just develope feelings for this guy, for all you know, they have been meeting all this time. Now she wants to move on with him. What that means is she has been cheating on you too.


----------



## Thrawn (Jun 17, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Just let her go dude. Never beg for love. That is very unattractive,


Thank you for the reply.

I did want to post thought that I'm not "begging". Re-reading what I wrote I can see how it comes across like that. I'm not writing her daily telling her "I love you, please come home." or writing her that I miss her all the time. I'm trying to, I don't now, keep my distance but stay connected? Don't know if that even makes sense. If she asks me how I'm doing alone I might say "Fine, but I do miss you." and in most cases that's about it.

She feels that she doesn't want to make a final decision until she's 100% sure of what she wants because she's been so torn with different feeling about it. That has always worried me because no one is ever 100% sure of anything, she will always have "what if" doubts no matter how she decides she feels. It's just going to turn into this horrible dragged out mess at this rate that I worry will end with one of us hating the other.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You can't compete with new and exciting. You can only attract her back by being strong enough to let her go. Let her see you will be find without her, laying out a successful future without having a ball and chain. No you won't really feel that way, but that is what you want her to see. And stop with the I miss you and love you. She is seeing this new an bright future without a husband. well show her you are seeing the same thing. One of the Vets Morituri, has a post lower titled after the book, Just Let Them Go. Read it. It explain this very well.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey you can't make poeple have feeling for you. I believe this was an exit affair and from what you posted it seems you want what you can't have, which is normal and I suggest letting her go while you do the heavy lifting in finding your self instead finding something for your wife. I mean the changes you made were for her not for you.

I know that the OM involved here is just a bandaid but for now it could have been any man at this point and I truely believe this is an exit affair. From what you wrote it seems that the both of you grew apart before your affair and the both of you gave it a second go of it, but it just didn't take.

I'm in the let her go crowd


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

MC might help, even if it only helps you both see you need to have separate lives.

I do not think she ever got over the betrayal. 

I feel sympathy for both of you. And I wish you both well with your futures, together or apart.


----------



## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

It does not sound like you had a close relationship and your daily life was full of other things besides your life together. Marriage is a battle to stay together. Have you been together( in the same room, at the same events, etc.) for a long time? Women need to spend time with you to want to have sex. This was always an issue for you both, it does help explain the distance between you, and what could you do to make you closer? Im sorry, but it sounds like a lost cause and she is just leading you on. Take care of yourself and make your life better.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You must become emotionally strong in order to move on with your life with or without your wife. For this reason you must implement the principles in *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559* and *The 180 degree rules*.


----------



## Thrawn (Jun 17, 2012)

Wow you guys are harsh, you aren't telling me at all what I wanted to hear.

But you might be telling me what I need to hear, thanks for all the comments.

Now I just need to figure out exactly what I'm going to say to her, I feel like I'm going to be sick.  I know people will just tell me that I'm in denial, but I do believe she hasn't actually cheated on me. So it just seem like the "Just Let Them Go" is so focused on that when really I'll be saying "You admitted you have feelings for someone else and told me about it while we were talking about if/how to save our own marriage, goodbye."


----------



## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Just let her go dude. Never beg for love. That is very unattractive, She is going out in the world, seeing herself as this big biz woman, and feel she has outgrown you. So show her she is just as replacable as you are. You have a full time job, and school, so once you read and start doing the 180, also read Just Let Them Go. Many will tell you to bust up the fantasy of hers, I say, you don't want me, well you are not worth me crying over. Oh, she didn't just develope feelings for this guy, for all you know, they have been meeting all this time. Now she wants to move on with him. What that means is she has been cheating on you too.


Hear, hear. An superb analysis and recommendation. Thrawn anyway you want to play it, you're history. Oh, your next step? Start collecting a lot of phone numbers from a vast inventory of babes and cull out the ones like her. Too many guys and girls pick the same kind of train wreck the second, third and fourth time.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> But the big thing that came out, she has strong feelings for someone else and has for a while. She pretty much told me that the last time she got together with him and had coffee she had to leave because *she knew she would have sex with him if she stayed.* She always wants to spend more time with him, she feels like she has this strong connection with him and on and on. She feels horribly guilty about all of this and has broken off contact with him from now (her own choice and decision) but I don't think it will last. She said she hasn't done anything physical and I believe her, but it really throws me for a loop


Like most spouses who cheat, they try to sanitize their contact with their AP (affair partner). It is very possible that she has already consummated her EA (emotional affair) and is now in a PA(physical affair). I know that this is something that you don't want to hear but just like you she also can yield to temptation, if she hasn't done so already.

You two have lived like roommates more than spouses for years. This has created a bad marital environment. Your affair did not become the wake up call to fix the marriage and only contributed to the further marital isolation that was in place before your affair. Perhaps you need to step back and ask yourself if it is realistic to expect a change for the better or if it is just wishful thinking on your part.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Thrawn said:


> but I do believe she hasn't actually cheated on me.


She already has. Look, you don't get to where she feeling the way she is without totally crossing all acceptable boundaries.

Even if they haven't shared a bed, she has cheated in her heart and her mind with him. This is why your wife left you and is living apart from you. So she can freely contact and interact with him.

My advice - dump her like a hot potato. You weren't getting the sex you wanted - either before or since your affair, and now this.

Even if she did dump the guy and come back you'd still be in a marriage with a person who doesn't fulfill you. Not much of a marriage to fight for.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I bet the cringing at your touch is in reality her fear she is betraying the OM by having feelings for you and contact with you.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Hmm... I think that I will go against mainstream here.

I don't know if you two really had a genuine relationship before your affair, so maybe it's just not meant for the two of you to be together.

But... asuming you had a relationship worth fighting for, you may ask yourself:

- Did you do everything in your power to show her true remorse after your affair?
- What have you done to reduce her insecurities with you?
- Can she be certain that what she sees is what she gets?
- Did she get help to regain self esteem after your affair?
- Are you wholehearted into your relationship, and if yes, is it visible to your wife?

The reason I ask is, being a BS myself a year ago, I know that some kind of emotional withdrawal can happen. 13 months past D-day I caught myself thinking, that I should cheat, just to get even with my wife. Well, that's not healthy and certainly not a path that I will choose to follow, but maybe it's the same kind of thoughts your wife are experiencing? Doubts about you and your future relationship.

To the other posters, I have always been very gratefull for your insights and thoughtfull posts, but what would have been your advice had it been OP's wife's story instead?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I won't say anything about R or D but it is likely that she already cheated on you physically.(She already cheated emotionally). You will have to accept it before you move forward with either choices. Remove your infidelity part and your story is what 90% of the posts here are about. Wife starts distancing from H and finally gives the H the ILYBNILWU , later the H finds about the presence of a 3rd party in the marriage.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Thrawn,

Morituri gave you great advice.

Frankly, it does not matter if your wife physically cheated or not. She has become involved with another man while still married to you.

And yes, you cheated on her earlier. So you feel guilty about taking the appropriate measures to secure your marriage because you cheated first.

What you really have to do is decide if you really want your wife back. And not in the same old marriage because it sounds like you both were dissatisfied with the marriage.

If she is seeing an IC that is good because she is obviously very confused and unsure of her actions.

While you both still love each other that is not enough to have a great marriage. 

You need to make it clear to her that you are willing to move on with your with her or without her. But if she wants to R with you then you both need to take a log hard look at your marriage with the help of a good counsellor. Make it clear you will not accept any less.

And yes, she is having a A herself. But that is just one small part of the issues at hand. That will need to stop before she can make any clear decisions in her head. 

I wonder if her IC knows she is having an A.....

Good Luck and Keep Posting.

HM64


----------



## Thrawn (Jun 17, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> I wonder if her IC knows she is having an A.....


She is telling her today (I'm assuming IC is her counselor?) I do maintain that nothing physical happened, but I do understand now that because of how her mental and emotional connections is so tied into her sexual feelings that what has already happened is just as bad.

I'm still figuring some things out in my mind, but a lot of what is being said is at least helping me see and realize some things more clearly. A big one being that I need to not be so paralyzed by the guilt of what I did in the past that I'm moved to complete inaction and a bad perspective of the situation now.

Thanks to everyone that is posting.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Thrawn said:


> She is telling her today (I'm assuming IC is her counselor?) I do maintain that nothing physical happened, but I do understand now that because of how her mental and emotional connections is so tied into her sexual feelings that what has already happened is just as bad.
> 
> I'm still figuring some things out in my mind, but a lot of what is being said is at least helping me see and realize some things more clearly. A big one being that I need to not be so paralyzed by the guilt of what I did in the past that I'm moved to complete inaction and a bad perspective of the situation now.
> 
> Thanks to everyone that is posting.


This is bad IMHO. How exactly did you show that guilt of yours to your wife?

Could you have your wife post her story here, I still wonder what the advice for her might be.

I think it sounds like everybody wish you to take a second strike at your wife to make sure that she stays down this time. What am I missing here???


----------



## Thrawn (Jun 17, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Could you have your wife post her story here, I still wonder what the advice for her might be.


Maybe, I'll think about it and maybe ask her. From a lot of the replies I'm worried people might not be very...polite to her.

I haven't made any irreversible decisions or anything yet, still thinking stuff over. She's going to stop over to talk after her session today. Just for now pulling out some thoughts and suggestions from some posts to mull over. As I said, I thought I had a good grasp on our situation and issues but the other guy being exposed this last weekend really screwed that all up.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Thrawn said:


> Maybe, I'll think about it and maybe ask her. From a lot of the replies I'm worried people might not be very...polite to her.
> 
> I haven't made any irreversible decisions or anything yet, still thinking stuff over. She's going to stop over to talk after her session today. Just for now pulling out some thoughts and suggestions from some posts to mull over. As I said, I thought I had a good grasp on our situation and issues but the other guy being exposed this last weekend really screwed that all up.


This may sound hard, but is the truth....

SCREW FEELINGS!!!!!!!!!!!

*GET TO THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!*

Come CLEAN, NOW! No hiding ANYTHING!

ASAP!

or neither one of you will be able to heal from this,
together or not. Quit asking for help and advice if you're not
able and willing to take it. Until then, you're in the fog too.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

T noone is asking you to keep your wife down. We ar saying she is involved in an affair. Maybe just an EA at this time, but you and her cannot work out your problem with another man in the picture. Your marriage has been one of total diconnect, and getting that back will take time. A good book to read is " His Needs Her Needs. YOU screwed up BIG TIME, but she took you back, now you have to decide if you will forgive her if she drops the guy. MC is going to be a must for you guys if she decides on you. The thing is, you guys don't spend enough quality time together. That will have to change if the marriage is to go forward. So we are not telling you to "take another strike at your wife" as the poster says. And I can see her rug sweeping your A, being unable to deal with it at that time.


----------



## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Just let her go..it seems that really the only thing that can pull them back to reality is the thought of divorce and the thought of you being able to move on without them and still be happy. I hate you are here but hope that you find the help you need.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Consider something along the following:

Let your wife know you love her and want to work on your marriage, but it takes two to do that. Tell her that you think the two of you can be happy together, but it will take work. Lay out a plan for counseling for you to address your cheating, her cheating, and the general state of your marriage. Tell her that there are issues on both sides, but that it will require her having no contact with the other man, and a committment from both of you to try to fix this. 

If she is not willing to commit, tell her you are disappointed, but understand. Since you want her happiness, you will let her go so that she can find it. Tell her you will contact a lawyer so that you can start the divorce process.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Thrawn said:


> I know people will just tell me that I'm in denial, but I do believe she hasn't actually cheated on me.
> 
> 
> > Ummm.....yes she has. A good definition of cheating is saying or doing something with someone else that you wouldn't say or do in front of your spouse. That's cheating.
> ...


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I bet the cringing at your touch is in reality her fear she is betraying the OM by having feelings for you and contact with you.


Exactly. If you want to know when the WW first started banging the OM, it was the day before she started recoiling from BH's touch.

BH, tell her parents you're filing for divorce and you have Biblical grounds. No need to go into details.


----------

