# I need advice or at least someone to listen



## Broken Hearted (Sep 29, 2009)

Hi. I am not sure how to start this as this is my first post on here. All I know for sure anymore is I am sad, lonely and broken hearted. I love my husband so much. We married 3 years ago and since then he has been so untruthful to me. My first clue to his "problem" was a short 2 weeks after we started dating. He was always the flirtaceous type and had many friends- all girls. I tried to deal with that but he was particuarly close with this one woman and they saw each other on a daily basis. He stated they were only friends and asked me not to tell her of us dating as this would surely hurt her feelings and he wanted to break it to her easy. I said that I understood but asked him if he had ever had any sexual relationships with her. He said he had not. A few days later, I found a letter in his room from her. In this letter she described their sexual relationship. It broke my heart. Not at first because of the sexual aspect because we had not been dating long,but because he lied to me. We argued, apologies were made and we moved on. About 1year later, I found text messages from a woman he worked with. Again I asked him and once again he lied. He said they were just friends but who knows. Then about 1year after that I found he had a severe addiction to porography. My heart was once again broken but I believed I could heal. Afterall, these women aren't real. They aren't attainable. Maybe I was being emotional due to being 7 mo. pregnant. Then I found the e-mails and IM's from her. She was a woman he had known before we had started dating. They were still "friends" long after we had moved in together unbeknownst to me. Well appartently he had more feelings for this woman than he had let on to me because they (before us) were planning marriage and naming their wanna be children. When I found this out I demanded he stop speaking to her UNLESS I was present. I was trying to be fair to him. Then I found out he was secretly hiding a relationship with her. No there wasn't sex involved unless it was online but he went as far as to ask her for nude pics of her. That was it. I was finished. I contacted her. I was furious. I threatened her financially for breaking up my home. I had a 18 mo. old and was pregnant with our 2nd child. He along with some marriage counseling convinced me to let him stay. However, I can not find the love or respect I once had for him. I find myself sometimes wondering why. Why me? Why am I not enough? I still cry myself to sleep nightly and can not seem to 'get over it' and it has been a year. He makes me nervous anytime he is online. I am terrified he will fall into the same old stuff again. I can not trust him anymore. I have tried and I am almost certain I have forgave him but, I will never forget and I doubt I will ever trust him completely again. Just seeing that woman in "all her glory" made me feel so ugly. So useless. I hate myself. I have never hated myself. I starve myself, I do whatever I feel like I can to try to keep him happy so he won't go down this path again. It is not that the woman is attractive. She is 4foot tall and is shorter than most light switches on the wall. She is not that slim and her features are dwarfed. However, in my mind, since seeing SHE is the woman my husband asked to see in the nude, SHE is the image I feel like I have to live up to. I will never feel good enough. i will never be enough. Sometimes I wish i could just seperate myself from this feeling and move on. I feel like if I could just erase this all, I would feel better. But, there is no erasing....I am doomed to this torment it feels. I know I am going to have to move on from him and the hold that his constant lying had on me but I don't know how yet. I am praying for answers and direction. I am almost out of tears....Does someone have any advice to help me learn to deal with this situation? I have children and they need a mommy who is full of love so they may learn to love.


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## adia (Mar 31, 2009)

Hi Broken Hearted,

I’m sorry for your pain. I know all too well what it’s like to be cheated on. It’s not a pleasant feeling. It always left me feeling as though I was never enough for him. Its hard to tell you to put 100% trust in him at the snap of your fingers. In a perfect world it would be possible. It wouldn’t matter if she was 5’8 and weighed 125 or 3’2 and 200 lbs. Once that trust has been broken it’s hard to rebuild. It’s not impossible. If both of you are willing it can work. You have to take the blame from yourself. Because it had nothing to do with you! Starving yourself isn’t going to make him love you more or want you more. Be yourself my darling!


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I can tell you are in alot of pain. 

I want you to know first that you are not alone, many people here know how you feel because they have been through the same or worse. I also want you to know that loving mother you want your kids to have does exist, that people in your situation can turn thier lives around from pain to happiness. The pain you are in because of your relationship does not mean that something is wrong with you, it means that something is right with you. Any person going through what you have described would have broken down or given up, but your concern for you children keeps you endureing one day after another. 

You have been in this relationship for a long time and you are no longer the girl you were when this whole thing started, but you still have the dream you can live a happy life. I assume you think he has stayed unchanged for more than you have, and he still retains some charm that got you with him in the first place, and sometimes he still makes you feel very special. He doesn't try to hurt you, and maybe he treats you better than relationships you saw growing up, so you assume this must at least be bearable. 

Now here is the point, the falcrum, the choice: What really matters to you? Do you want a life back? Do you want your kids to at least to have a mother if they cant have a happy family? This man is never going to give you that because he already has everything he wants. He is never going to help you to be the best person you could be, to be the family you really want, that has never been his intention or even crossed his mind. 

If you think your situation makes you feel bad now wait till your daughter gets herself into the same miserable situation, or your son treats his wife when he is grown like your husband treats you. Is this relationship the tradition you want to pass down to the innocent souls that sprang froth from your body? No, noone would, but by not facing what we know to be the truth we give it power, unfettered corrupting power, until it seems absurd to even think about facing it head on. But the only thing that gives it power is our fear, and fear is only in the mind. If you can change your mind you can conquer your fear, no matter how big it is or how long it has gone unchallenged. If you can change your mind you can see all that you have to fight with against difficulties, because a difficult situation does not have to be a fearful or painful one. 

Look at what you have. You have your determination to improve your situation. Get a job. Ask a freind or family to help you out of your situation by watching the kids so you can go to work. Find a room or appartment to rent so you can stand on your feet again, and take control of your own destiny. 

Stop waiting for someone else to tell you to take the time to save yourself, and do it now because now is what matters, not what mistakes were made in the past or what trouble may lie in the future. No matter what you have done, or what has been done to you, today is a new chance to do it right this time, to make it better somehow. If you are given the gift of today, you are given the gift of that chance. 

Let this be the first step, you asked for help, for someone to hear you, for a voice in the dark to say you are not alone, we are in the dark too. Now find someone who is close enough to help you and ask them for help, show them the pain you have shown us and they will try to help as I have tried to help you. Take as much help as you need to be full of love again, and flee from those who would diminish that feeling within you, surround yourself with people stable enough to support you until you can again stand on your own, and then dont stop until you can help others who were once where you are now. 

You have taken the first step, Keep going.


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## Broken Hearted (Sep 29, 2009)

Thanks Gomez. The funny thing is, I have a job and I have a house. My name is on the mortgage the same as his. He wants to quit work and go to school full time. I am afraid I will financially support him through school and then I will find out his (affairs) are returning. Does that make sense/ I wish I could just trust him again. I love my kids and I feel like they need a good daddy, which he is a good daddy. I am or used to be very confident. I work non stop and I clean the house, cook his meals and raise his kids...what more could I have done to keep him interested in only me? I try every day but I feel like I need retribution. I feel the only way to make him wake up to this behavior pattern is to show him how it feels to be cheated on. Surely if he knew how bad it hurt he could never do it to me again....I guess I am just so angry. Will it ever go away?


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## MariaBella (Oct 6, 2009)

That is such a sad situation. I realize that you love your husband, but it sounds as though he just doesn't have the maturity to be in a marriage. It may be his age--I'm not sure you mentioned your ages--or it may be his character. Some people just never progress from the adolescent stage, at least where intimate relationships are concerned, and he does seem to have a history of this type of behavior. In any case, you will need to make some very difficult choices. In the meantime, try not to blame yourself, it really isn't your fault.


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## anotheruser (Oct 6, 2009)

Every time you take him back you are giving him a positive reinforcement. His heart is somewhere else and your trust isn't with him anymore. Once you've lost the trust, the relationship is over with. Stop letting him walk all over you and stand up for yourself. Imagine the worst thing that could happen and you'll realize that better things can come into your life. Hang in there and have enough courage and self respect to do the right thing for you.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

His behavior is inexcusable. He is still trying to be single and cant seem to acknowledge that he is married, committed and he is a father with great responsibilities. Tremendously immature.

Its sounds like you have been more than patient with his actions, probably way more than i personally would have been.


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