# Divorced-- questions to ask re attracting the *right* person



## M042

So, I have backed off from dating for several months now and just focused on myself. I have been divorced about 3 years, had one somewhat serious relationship, one mostly just physical relationship, and met many women online dating since my divorce. 

I have worked with some life coaches and it has been suggested to me that once a person is really clear on what they really want, they can focus on those things and it will be more likely to attract that into my life. 

(Incidentally, I have been told-- and it is true-- that my 'story to myself' is that I am not good enough; and therefore tend to be approval seeking and become, over time, needy in relationships-- so this is the main reason I am trying self improvement over random dating-and-hoping-it-turns-out-great)

I have some cards with about 100 or so 'characteristics' on them, and I have gone through what jumped out at me as 'more important', but I am finding that actual questions, from mundane to value-based to shallow/physical, may help me envision that person better. I am requesting anyone to throw out any questions that you think may be helpful in this exercise as I have googled it and found nothing specific to this. Obviously some questions will be less important to some than others, but even just considering them will help with clarification.

Some examples-- from a conversation with a life coach:

What kind of relationship do you want? ( I said committed and exclusive but not living together)
Is she educated? How much?
Does she have a job?
What is her body type?
How tall is she?
Does she have kids?
Is she into fitness and health?
Is she powerful?
Where does she live?
Does she like to go out often/social butterfly?
Is she a vegetarian?
Is she Caucasian? 

Any thoughts are appreciated.


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## Spicy

I'll chime in here. After my divorce I started dating for the first time in 20 years. I was on a online dating site for all of two weeks before my DH asked me out. So dating history part duex for myself ended very quickly. 

So as you can imagine, I am obviously an expert at it with my huge 14 day resume >

I think your questions are a great springboard. They can start you off weeding out ones that aren't a good match if their answer is opposite of what you are looking for. Then the ball will probably start rolling and you will have a lot more questions you will think of.

For me, maybe I was weird, but I was more focused on the things that were nonnegotiable. If they didn't check those boxes, I knew there was no point in wasting mine or their time. I also had a very clear idea of what I did want, so i asked similar questions that were more lighthearted like yours above.

I had YEARS in a dead marriage to determine what I wanted, so once the time came that I was finally free, I felt as ready as one could be at that point.

Good luck, watch out for drama queens, spoiled brats, and Catfish!!!!

You will get much better answers here shortly when he rest of the gang chimes in. 

Have fun!


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## Bananapeel

The typical questions I think about are:

1. Do we find each other mutually attractive and are we highly sexually compatible
2. Is she a good person and can we have honest/open discussions
3. Do I think she'd be good for me as a long term or short term relationship
4. Are there any deal breakers such as alcoholic/drug addict/history of cheating/high maintenance personality/unable to handle finances responsibly
5. Do I want to give up part of my freedom for a relationship with this woman

BTW, I'd disagree with your lifecoach. The best way to attract the perfect mate is not have a mold that you are trying to fit her into. Instead have a few basic things (like mine above) and be open to the possibility of a relationship to develop if/when you meet the right person. In the meantime learn to be happy with yourself and develop a strong independent and confident personality. If you have direction in your life and confidence you'll meet women everywhere. Heck, I just chatted up a beautiful woman that was flirting heavily with me and we met because of a clerical error at my work that I was addressing.


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## M042

It is not meant to be a hard-core set 'mold'. It is meant to clarify intentions instead of just going along with whatever I come across as I have done in the past. The questions I am looking for are regarding a hypothetical person as I am not currently dating anyone so I cannot really answer the more vague questions -- and of course at the end of the day I am not going to find anyone who is exactly perfect, but the more I can get detailed the more I can visualize/imagine, hence the exercise with specific questions.


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## Married but Happy

OP, additional things to consider in a good match:
- belief system (values, religion, etc.)
- attitudes (liberal or conservative, proactive or reactive, etc.)
- personality type (introvert or extrovert, etc.)
- compatible, sustainable libido, and range of sexual activities


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## Rowan

I found that I did pretty well with just a few basic questions to keep in mind when meeting new prospective partners:

Are any of my hard-and-fast deal-breakers present? 
Is there mutual attraction?
Do I enjoy my time with this person and seek to spend more time with them?
Do they enhance my life?
Do they give as much as they take - financially, emotionally, verbally, intellectually, in level of effort, in level of respect, etc.?
Do we want the same type of relationship?
Do we share compatible values and goals?

Beyond that, anything else is pretty much just fine details. And getting to know someone is all about learning those fine details. I, personally, think it's a good idea to start not with a list of requirements or wants, but with a list of absolute deal-breakers. If any of those deal-breakers is present, you just politely walk away. That way, you're not wasting anyone's time and no one is wasting yours. And, you avoid things you can't/shouldn't tolerate before all those pesky emotions or sex hormones show up to cloud judgement. If there are no deal-breakers, _then_ it's time to start looking further into whether or not the two of you are compatible for whatever type of relationship you'd like to have.


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## M042

Rowan said:


> I found that I did pretty well with just a few basic questions to keep in mind when meeting new prospective partners:
> 
> Are any of my hard-and-fast deal-breakers present?
> Is there mutual attraction?
> Do I enjoy my time with this person and seek to spend more time with them?
> Do they enhance my life?
> Do they give as much as they take - financially, emotionally, verbally, intellectually, in level of effort, in level of respect, etc.?
> Do we want the same type of relationship?
> Do we share compatible values and goals?
> 
> Beyond that, anything else is pretty much just fine details. And getting to know someone is all about learning those fine details. I, personally, think it's a good idea to start not with a list of requirements or wants, but with a list of absolute deal-breakers. If any of those deal-breakers is present, you just politely walk away. That way, you're not wasting anyone's time and no one is wasting yours. And, you avoid things you can't/shouldn't tolerate before all those pesky emotions or sex hormones show up to cloud judgement. If there are no deal-breakers, _then_ it's time to start looking further into whether or not the two of you are compatible for whatever type of relationship you'd like to have.


Ok, again, this is an exercise in visualization and clarification, so the specific details are the exact point. So, instead of 'do we share compatible values and goals?' maybe 'is she a practicing Christian? Does she go to church?'

So, despite everyone's best intentions, I am in fact asking for questions that would lead to a very specific person, as the questions in my OP tend to lead to.


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## M042

Married but Happy said:


> OP, additional things to consider in a good match:
> - belief system (values, religion, etc.)
> - attitudes (liberal or conservative, proactive or reactive, etc.)
> - personality type (introvert or extrovert, etc.)
> - compatible, sustainable libido, and range of sexual activities


Thank you. To make these into questions I would ask myself....

Is she Christian/Jewish/Muslim/Hindu/atheist?
Is she conservative or liberal? Is she very passionate about politics?
Does she love sex? Is she interested in exploring sexual experiences?
Is she an introvert or extrovert?

(as a side note, every online dating profile ever: I love to have a good time out on the town but I also like staying in, cuddling on the couch and watching a good movie)


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## Ynot

M042 said:


> So, despite everyone's best intentions, I am in fact asking for questions that would lead to a very specific person, as the questions in my OP tend to lead to.


Then you are cutting off you nose to spite your face. How can you know if that "very specific person" is truly what is best for you if you don't know what your options are? Instead I would look at what you absolutely cannot accept - perhaps do they smoke? drink? whatever. And go from there. You may be surprised at what you find. 
Following you "life coach" who in reality has no way of knowing what is best for you than you do yourself is a fool's errand. The only way to find what you want is to not be afraid of making mistakes, and in fact making as many as you can along the way and learning from them. 
Good luck!


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## Bananapeel

M042 said:


> (as a side note, every online dating profile ever: I love to have a good time out on the town but I also like staying in, cuddling on the couch and watching a good movie)


That's so boring. Don't you get the urge to mess with people that have that on their profile? Here's what I'd post as a reply to them (feel free to use or modify):

Not into cuddling on the couch and watching movies. Instead lets dress up like ninjas and break into construction sites at night. I care far less about your looks or career goals than whether you have money for bail. 

Signed,
A bad influence


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## C3156

Just realize that being so specific, you will essentially be looking for a unicorn.

I would recommend that you develop a list of deal breakers that are a positive go or no-go for you and work from that instead. Relationships, just like life, are a series of compromises that have to be made in order for things to work. You have your few absolutes that you hold dear but the rest you are flexible.


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## soccermom2three

I don't know if this helps but I think when out on a date observing how your date treats service people is a big tell. 

Are they rude/pleasant service people? Do they say please and thank you?


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## M042

Ynot said:


> Then you are cutting off you nose to spite your face. How can you know if that "very specific person" is truly what is best for you if you don't know what your options are? Instead I would look at what you absolutely cannot accept - perhaps do they smoke? drink? whatever. And go from there. You may be surprised at what you find.
> Following you "life coach" who in reality has no way of knowing what is best for you than you do yourself is a fool's errand. The only way to find what you want is to not be afraid of making mistakes, and in fact making as many as you can along the way and learning from them.
> Good luck!


Ok. I get it. You think this is not the right way to look for someone. Duly noted. 

I am engaging in an exercise that does ask certain questions that lead to specific answers. It's an exercise. Deal-breakers are easy, this is far more difficult. And yes, it is fluid. 

So...on that note, if anyone has any interesting questions that require answers that would designate a specific characteristic, I would love to hear, and think about it. 

Another example is...what colour is her hair? If I answer to myself, in this moment, brown, it does not mean that I would never ever be interested in any woman with blonde hair again. 

Life coaching. Therapy. You engage in self-exploration. The goal in this particular case is to NOT be wishy-washy and state in this moment a specific intention.


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## Married but Happy

C3156 said:


> Just realize that being so specific, you will essentially be looking for a unicorn.
> 
> I would recommend that you develop a list of deal breakers that are a positive go or no-go for you and work from that instead. Relationships, just like life, are a series of compromises that have to be made in order for things to work. You have your few absolutes that you hold dear but the rest you are flexible.


Unicorns exist - I dated four of them in close succession. I had some very eclectic preferences, which would not apply for most people. Even so, one was far more compatible than the others, so that's the one I kept.

You are right, though, that the bottom line is identifying and avoiding deal breaker issues, and finding someone who then matches your non-negotiable must-haves. I got lucky. I also think that you can compromise too much, and sometimes it is better to be alone and looking than to give up too much of what you really want (as long as you are realistic).


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## Ynot

M042 said:


> Ok. I get it. You think this is not the right way to look for someone. Duly noted.
> 
> I am engaging in an exercise that does ask certain questions that lead to specific answers. It's an exercise. Deal-breakers are easy, this is far more difficult. And yes, it is fluid.
> 
> So...on that note, if anyone has any interesting questions that require answers that would designate a specific characteristic, I would love to hear, and think about it.
> 
> Another example is...what colour is her hair? If I answer to myself, in this moment, brown, it does not mean that I would never ever be interested in any woman with blonde hair again.
> 
> Life coaching. Therapy. You engage in self-exploration. The goal in this particular case is to NOT be wishy-washy and state in this moment a specific intention.


It isn't a matter of looking for someone. It is a matter of finding yourself. You can ask and answer specific questions until you are blue in the face, but until you discover who you are, it won't matter. The idea that others have offered you concerning deal breakers are part of that effort. Ignore them at your choosing, but your quest will probably end in failure, because the 5'6 125 lb long brown haired, caucasian of eastern European ancestry, blue eyed woman with a college degree, two adult children and an established career in the biomedical field who owns her own newer 2 story home in the suburbs and drives a small SUV may not be the right person for you because she may not desire you since you are more interested in what she is than who you are.


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## M042

Ynot said:


> It isn't a matter of looking for someone. It is a matter of finding yourself. You can ask and answer specific questions until you are blue in the face, but until you discover who you are, it won't matter. The idea that others have offered you concerning deal breakers are part of that effort. Ignore them at your choosing, but your quest will probably end in failure, because the 5'6 125 lb long brown haired, caucasian of eastern European ancestry, blue eyed woman with a college degree, two adult children and an established career in the biomedical field who owns her own newer 2 story home in the suburbs and drives a small SUV may not be the right person for you because she may not desire you since you are more interested in what she is than who you are.


Thanks for your contribution! You seem like a very helpful person. Who assumes he knows everything. Good luck, friend!


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## Ynot

M042 said:


> Thanks for your contribution! You seem like a very helpful person. Who assumes he knows everything. Good luck, friend!


I never claimed to know everything. You can listen if you want to but your approach to this is predicated on the idea that there is "one" out there for you. It precludes the realty that are many out there for you. Continue to entertain the scarcity mindset at your peril. The reality is there is over whelming abundance. I am sorry you will miss out on reality.


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## soccermom2three

Ynot said:


> I never claimed to know everything. You can listen if you want to but your approach to this is predicated on the idea that there is "one" out there for you. It precludes the realty that are many out there for you. Continue to entertain the scarcity mindset at your peril. The reality is there is over whelming abundance. I am sorry you will miss out on reality.


I don't get any of this from his posts. If anything he is more grounded in reality than most and I think what he's doing is great. It's important to vet out the incompatible or bat **** crazy because if you let yourself be high on "I'm in love" hormones that's when you make really bad decisions.


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## Ynot

soccermom2three said:


> I don't get any of this from his posts. If anything he is more grounded in reality than most and I think what he's doing is great. It's important to vet out the incompatible or bat **** crazy because if you let yourself be high on "I'm in love" hormones that's when you make really bad decisions.


Okey-dokey I guess this doesn't mean anything: "I am in fact asking for questions that would lead to a very specific person" Not type of person or persons, but a very specific person. Yeah that isn't narrowing down the field, is it?


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## Hope Shimmers

OP I read and re-read your posts and I want to make sure I am understanding you correctly. Are you thinking that these will be questions that you ask people you find on OLD before you decide whether or not to meet them? Or are they questions you will ask yourself to determine if the person you're dating is really who you want to be with?

Sorry if I'm being dense, but I just wanted to make sure I understand your intent before I answer.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hope Shimmers

Is she a vegetarian?

Does she eat healthy?

What's her favorite food?

(You can tell I haven't had lunch yet...)

Is she financially responsible?

Does she like animals?

Is she a neat freak or a slob?

What is her work ethic?

Does she like jewelry?

Does she do volunteer work?

Does she come from a bug or small family?

What was her childhood like?

Does she complain a lot?

Does she cook?

Is she physically attractive to me?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## M042

Hope Shimmers said:


> OP I read and re-read your posts and I want to make sure I am understanding you correctly. Are you thinking that these will be questions that you ask people you find on OLD before you decide whether or not to meet them? Or are they questions you will ask yourself to determine if the person you're dating is really who you want to be with?
> 
> Sorry if I'm being dense, but I just wanted to make sure I understand your intent before I answer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am not dating anyone currently, and no it is not for OLD.

It is questions to ask myself for visualization purposes, and while the answers are cut and dry in that moment for the sake of the exercise this does not mean if I meet someone and she is not exactly like this I will completely rule her out. 

In the vein of law of attraction and visualization, you need clarity and specifity to really encourage your imagination to become reality. I have never been good at this, having always been-- even with my ex wife-- if she likes me, she must be ok. So to imagine what I want (even if it changes as I go) and ask for it through this exercise is the point. 

You are not being dense, thanks for your questions.


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## M042

soccermom2three said:


> I don't get any of this from his posts. If anything he is more grounded in reality than most and I think what he's doing is great. It's important to vet out the incompatible or bat **** crazy because* if you let yourself be high on "I'm in love" hormones that's when you make really bad decisions*.


I'm totally guilty.


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## vi_bride04

Some of my questions, not in any order:

Do they have or want kids? 
Have they had long term meaningful relationships and at least lived with a woman? (It seems so many men in my age range for OLD have never been married, engaged or lived with a woman)
Are they aware of healthy food choices and importance of local/fresh/non-GMO foods? 
Do they appreciate and respect nature?
Are they physically active with outdoor activities such as hiking, camping, kayaking, biking?
Are they polite and respectful to strangers?

I have a few more but I find if we don't match with these there isn't alot of attraction on my end.


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## jb02157

Married but Happy said:


> OP, additional things to consider in a good match:
> - belief system (values, religion, etc.)
> - attitudes (liberal or conservative, proactive or reactive, etc.)
> - personality type (introvert or extrovert, etc.)
> - compatible, sustainable libido, and range of sexual activities


This is a very good list and hits all the things that I was thinking were missing off the OPs list. Maybe another thing is honesty. This is something that killed our marriage.


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## Hope Shimmers

M042 said:


> I'm totally guilty.


Me too. Describes the last sixteen months of my life.


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## M042

ok, so, I made a lot of headway here. I have a lot more certainty in who I am and a lot less anxiety about...everything else. I feel like going forward I can be a lot more objective about whether or not I can accept certain things, and who I want to spend my time with.


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## Ynot

Good luck!


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## Diana7

When I was interested in meeting another man to marry I gave it a lot of thought and made a fairly long list of what I wanted in a future partner. I didn't put anything about his physical appearance except that he needed to be attractive to me.

The list included things like, he must be patient, a Christian, have strong moral values, get on well with my children, like animals, be honest, have a good sense of humour and so on. I think I had about 15 things on that list, nearly all of which were non negotiable.
I wasn't prepared to settle for second best or compromise on what was important to me. I knew that I would rather stay single than be with a man who didn't share the values and beliefs that I did. 

After 2 years on various Christian dating sites I met my man. He was everything on the list and more. He was worth waiting 2 years for. We married after 9 months and that was over 12 years ago.

I hope that things work out for you.:laugh:


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## FalCod

M042 said:


> Is she educated? How much? This is not unimportant but I'd be more focused on whether you are intellectually compatible.
> I've known people without degrees that are very educated and intellectually curious and those with them that never stop to think about anything in depth.
> 
> Does she have a job?
> 
> What is her body type? Shallowness red flag. Simplify this to "am I attracted to her."
> 
> How tall is she? Unless you or she is unusually tall or short, this is another shallowness red flag. Simplify this to "are we physically compatible."
> 
> Does she have kids?
> 
> Is she into fitness and health?
> 
> Is she powerful? What does this mean? Physical strength? Leadership? Position of influence? I'd substitute with "Is she confident in herself."
> 
> Where does she live? Is this a distance question or a right/wrong side of town question?
> 
> Does she like to go out often/social butterfly?
> 
> Is she a vegetarian?
> 
> Is she Caucasian? WTF? I know this is an old post, but it's not the 1950s anymore. If this is a big deal to you, you might want to let prospective partners know upfront that you are a racist because that is a deal breaker for many people these days.
> 
> Any thoughts are appreciated. We'll see about that.


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## Diana7

M042 said:


> So, I have backed off from dating for several months now and just focused on myself. I have been divorced about 3 years, had one somewhat serious relationship, one mostly just physical relationship, and met many women online dating since my divorce.
> 
> I have worked with some life coaches and it has been suggested to me that once a person is really clear on what they really want, they can focus on those things and it will be more likely to attract that into my life.
> 
> (Incidentally, I have been told-- and it is true-- that my 'story to myself' is that I am not good enough; and therefore tend to be approval seeking and become, over time, needy in relationships-- so this is the main reason I am trying self improvement over random dating-and-hoping-it-turns-out-great)
> 
> I have some cards with about 100 or so 'characteristics' on them, and I have gone through what jumped out at me as 'more important', but I am finding that actual questions, from mundane to value-based to shallow/physical, may help me envision that person better. I am requesting anyone to throw out any questions that you think may be helpful in this exercise as I have googled it and found nothing specific to this. Obviously some questions will be less important to some than others, but even just considering them will help with clarification.
> 
> Some examples-- from a conversation with a life coach:
> 
> What kind of relationship do you want? ( I said committed and exclusive but not living together)
> Is she educated? How much?
> Does she have a job?
> What is her body type?
> How tall is she?
> Does she have kids?
> Is she into fitness and health?
> Is she powerful?
> Where does she live?
> Does she like to go out often/social butterfly?
> Is she a vegetarian?
> Is she Caucasian?
> 
> Any thoughts are appreciated.


Must admit that education isn't often that important. My second husband has a phd and I started work full time at age 18. By the time he had left the very closeted life at Uni at age 25-26, I had got married, bought a home, had 2 children and was a mature and capable lady. 

We are very similar intellectually and while he is cleverer in some ways(maths, science etc) I am in others (English, general knowledge, humanities etc.)

Also I know several couples where one is a vegetarian and one isn't and they manage fine.


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## Laurentium

I'm not sure if this topic is still live, or whether it's a zombie...

My own key questions for someone I was dating would be around their life story. 
- Are your parents still together? (If not why not?) What are they like? Tell me some stories about them? What was it like growing up with them?

- Your previous relationships? How did you choose them? How did they go? How did they end and why? 

Basically I want to know if they make sense of their life, or if random **** just "happens" to them. I run a mile from the latter. 

The tall/short/introvert/extrovert/hair colour/vegetarian stuff bothers me less. Though if they were vegetarian, again I'd be interested in whether there was a coherent narrative about it.

It might be useful to ask one's self those questions as well!


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