# Up Against A Wall



## LoveNotEnough (Apr 4, 2009)

I’ve got a long story so please bear with me. 

I truly love my wife and she’s everything to me. We have a young relationship and also have a 8 month old son. Because of this our lives are stressful as with any baby things get though. Add to this factor we work different shifts, with my wife working midnights. I recently moved to day shift (we used to work at the same time). I hate the day hours, but did it because it was better for our son. 

This change has changed my mood and look at things, and the way I’ve been received has really bothered me and really lead to my decline in mental health and the outlook on our relationship. 

I really hate the new shift, its increased my stress 100x over, the drive is about 10 min more each way, and the people are horrible. I know it needs to be done for my family, but I hate it. However with this my wife promised on how things would go. She promised to go home right away after work and go to bed. This way when I come home she’ll be getting up and we’ll have 8 hours as a family together. The reason for the mandatory sleep is that without sleep my wife becomes an impossible person to deal with. She is very moody and claims there is nothing she can do to control it. I can understand this, and is why I demanded that if I was going to make the switch for us, that she’d also have to “sacrifice” and come home and go right to bed. 

Several problems have come about since the change. One is that she claims that I’m controlling because I guilt her when she wants to go out with friends. I admit that I may do this and understand where she is coming from. I understand that we need time apart to have a good relationship. I have two problems however. One issue is that she’s breaking her promise with me to go right home and sleep. Instead she’s on several occasions wanted to go or went to get coffee after work. This upsets me because she usually gets home at 7am, however when she goes out for coffee she’s out until 9-10am. She then only gets a few hours sleep before having to get our son and I come home. This leads to one of two results. One is that she then sleeps most of the time that we’re all home together, when we’re supposed to be all together. Or the other is that she’ll stay up, however she’s tired and then extremely moody and leads to a lot of fights. Either result is bad. I feel like she’s being selfish going to get coffee and breaking her promise to me. (not to even mention that we recently found out we’re getting furloughed and living from check to check as is, I don’t think $4 coffee is a smart idea). Another situation that just occurred is that we had a day where we were both off (her off at night and me off the next morning). Now this happens 3-4 times a month, but I really like to spend that time with her. I had hoped that we would get some time and have a good evening together and maybe mend some of our issues we’ve been having. Instead she went to the pool, then immediately came home got ready then went out to dinner with her friends. After this she came home and was exhausted and went to bed at 8 pm (she didn’t sleep after getting off of work). So essentially on my night off I had baby duty and after he went to bed I was alone. This brings up another problem. With the change in shifts I’ve been given a lot of the responsibility of the baby. In the morning I’m the only one home and I have to get him ready to go as well as get myself ready. Not an issue. Where I get upset is then she uses her time and freedom and goes and does whatever she wants (ie coffee). She knows she doesn’t have the baby so she does whatever she wants and to me has no regard for us as a couple. Also then I’m constantly left watching the baby at night/afternoon while she sleeps because she was up all day. Essentially I feel like I work and watch the baby and that’s it. I feel like there is hardly ever family time and never quality family time.

Another problem is that I work on average 10-20 hours more every pay period then she does. I feel like she should then take on more of the house reasonability’s etc. Instead of this happening nothing ever gets done. 

A summary of my feelings is that she goes and does whatever she wants. Whenever I ask her about something being cleaned or put away it’s always that she’s tired or didn’t have time. Yet whenever she wants to go out or stay out then she has time and energy. I don’t feel like that’s fair to the relationship or me. Now she does do a majority of the house work. I do however do the laundry, vacuum, and take the trash out. I make it a priority to keep up with this stuff the best I can with the time I do have. On the other hand she lets things go for over a week before taking care of it. Something as simple as putting the clothes away that I’ve cleaned takes her a week +. She says that its not all her job to keep things clean, and that she needs to have fun to. I agree with both these statements; however I feel like she’s being selfish and putting her wants over the families needs at this time. 

That’s a good summary of my major problems right now, which have all been complied into my major problem. I’ve tried to explain to her all of these things. I used to be that typical guy that didn’t share how he felt etc. However I’ve made great strides and attempts to communicate with her about things. The problem is that every time I try to talk she turns it into a fight. She immediately gets an attitude and yells and is hurtful. I continue to try and talk to her about my feelings and why I’m upset. Her only response is always to just leave if I’m not happy. I never feel any compassion or empathy from her at all. I’ve then tried to explain this to her, that I don’t feel like she cares and the way she acts doesn’t make me feel loved. She then of course says if I’m not happy then to just go. She says this is how she talks and that we just don’t communicate the same way. I’ve read a lot of articles etc out there about communicating and do my best to do it right. I try to use “I feel’ statements instead of saying “you do” this so not to place blame. I always try to keep an even tone and not to get an attitude. I do the very best I can yet nothing seems to work. I’m always faced with an attitude, cursing, or being told that she’s had enough of this and that I annoy her. That’s how bad its gotten to now. I honestly am “depressed” but it’s because I don’t feel like she understands me or even gives a **** about me. I’ve been telling her this over and over for the past week. That the way she reacts when I try to talk to her hurts me. When I talk to her I can’t even get her to focus on me. She’ll never stop what she’s doing and won’t look at me and talk. If she’s doing something else I just have to talk to her on the fly. She told me last night that she’s tired of hearing me complain, and tired of me saying the same thing over and over again, and that she’s had enough of it. 

Last night she gave me an ultimatum that I either talk to a doctor about my depression or she’s leaving me. I feel like she’s basically not there for me and totally abandoning me. She’s the reason I feel this way. And I admit that I’m depressed. But I know what I need to get out of it. I simply want someone to care about how I feel. To come to me and see how I’m feeling. Or to actively listen to me when I tell them my feelings. I get no feeling of caring from her and I don’t know how to get her to see this. I could go to a doctor, and sure I’d probably be fine. But that’s not what I want. I want a wife that I can go to. I want a wife that I can turn to in my time of need. I want a wife that is there for me when I tell her about how I feel, no matter what its about. We are no longer even able to hold a conversation about anything serious because she immediately gets an attitude. Also as soon as she gets upset about anything she totally turns her feelings of and pushes me away. This is when the “get out” etc comes about and no matter what I do or say will make her care about me. I tried last night to sit her down and tell her, once again, then I’m upset because I don’t feel like she cares. We were perfectly ok, then I started the talk and it went down hill and to her ultimatum. I feel stuck in a corner. Either I go to a dr that I don’t want to see or she walks. How do I get her to see the way she’s acting towards me? I’ve tried to tell her over and over. 

Any advice? I’m so lost. I’m so close to just throwing in the towel because I’m totally heartbroken. I love my wife and my son and I don’t want to lose them. However I need a wife that I feel actually cares when she’s needed.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I can understand why you'd be depressed. it sounds like your wife is kind of leaving you in the dust, so to speak. 

but the bottom line is you cant control your wife. you're not going to be happy if you keep trying to get her attention the way that you are. Its not working. You're going to have to give up on that idea. 

You're going to have to stop talking to her about this. the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over again expecting different results. i do think your wife is being selfish and neglecting the family, but that doenst really matter. knowing that isnt going to change anything, and its not going to make you happy. you've tried to tell her and she's told you she's going to leave you if you keep it up. your approach is not making you happy. so try something else. there are a lot of things in life. 

if you hate your new shift, then can you go back to your other one? your wife broke the deal on that one. do what you need to do so you feel good about your life.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Working different shifts and a new baby! 

If you hate your shift, go back to the old one if you can. Arrange for day care of you baby during the day while your sleep. This may not be the ideal situation as I understand that you want to be there for the baby. 

However, if your marriage breaks up and you both are extremely stressed to be around...you are doing no favors for the baby either.

Go back to how things were. Sleep together. If you are depressed seek help and take action. I've been through depression. It's a very selfish disorder. Take care of yourself and get an invidividual counselor. Invite your wife on a date. Force yourself to do these things.


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## unhappy wife (Aug 30, 2009)

i agree, may be the other shift suited you alot better, i do understand where your coming from,money matters now mor then ever, but people need friends too, so maybe say like 2-3 times a week go for coffee and th other time com home, that meeting half way.


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## LoveNotEnough (Apr 4, 2009)

Blanca said:


> I can understand why you'd be depressed. it sounds like your wife is kind of leaving you in the dust, so to speak.
> 
> but the bottom line is you cant control your wife. you're not going to be happy if you keep trying to get her attention the way that you are. Its not working. You're going to have to give up on that idea.
> 
> ...


That's a good summary of how I feel. With the new schedule I feel like she's able to do whatever she wnats and I'm sort of stuck. I've stopped trying to tell her how I'm feeling but now I feel worse. I feel like I'm bottling up everything and that we're not close at all. 

I'd love to go back to midnights but it's not good for the family situation and my parents who watch our son. 

I don't know what to do anymore.


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## LoveNotEnough (Apr 4, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> Working different shifts and a new baby!
> 
> If you hate your shift, go back to the old one if you can. Arrange for day care of you baby during the day while your sleep. This may not be the ideal situation as I understand that you want to be there for the baby.
> 
> ...



I wish I could go back to the way things were. I'm stuck working 7-3 and she's stuck on 11-7. Essentially we have 8 hours a day where we're not working. I'm trying to force myself into going on dates and stuff but we just don't have time with the baby and money being tight.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Something has to give....if you don't sacrifice something it will be your marriage.

So you can't work your original shift because of baby sitting problems. Maybe you can figure something out in your budget to pay a sitter.

Dates don't have to be expensive. Walk in parks, picnics, etc....put in the time every week.

You can't expect something different if you are doing the same thing.


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## LoveNotEnough (Apr 4, 2009)

Now I have a new twist to add, and I have a horrible feeling about it. I need to know if I'm just being psycho/paranoid or if there's a legitimate concern.

My wife and I along with my parents have a family cell plan that I just upped the minutes on. With this increase we also got some friends list that you can pick 10 #s for unlimited calls. Anyway, I ran out of numbers. So I came up with the idea to export my bill into excel and see where minutes were going. As soon as I did this there was a glaring issue. A day prior it appeared that my wife made a phone call to a number I didn't know for 20 mines as soon as she left home for work. I brought it up this morning as to who it was and she told me it's her friend who is in the hospital's husband as her friends phone died. I asked if her friend ever uses her husband’s phone any other time and she said no and that it was a one time thing. I let it go and move on and go back to looking for numbers to add to my list. As I'm doing this I notice this same number on the call log a few more times but just for a few mins at a time. Immediately a red flag goes up to me. I then went and looked into the text messages. For whatever reason I can get the last two days text log and then June and July. Anyway, I do a search. To my dismay it's FILLED with texts with this number that's apparently her friend's husband’s phone. To make it worse it seems like they text non-stop from the time she leaves from work, all the way through the 8 hours, and then a few hours after work (which is the time I'm at work). This didn't occur everyday but by the looks of it happened a lot at the end of July. At this point I can't look at August but I'm worried it’s the same way, or does that even matter at this point? 

I have no clue what to do at this point. I don't know what happened the entire month of August. I don't know really anything. I don't know who the number even belongs to. I'm scared to even find out. 

If this is a guy is she cheating? What if it's just them talking, isn't that a lot of talking? Isn't that "emotional cheating"? 

I'm sitting at work as I type this and I want to break down and cry and at the same time want to destroy my computer. 

I don't know how to even approach this. I know if I say I found all this info she's going to say I was stalking, looking for it, etc etc (I have in the past because of another incident involving her talking to her ex). But honestly this time I wasn't. I know if I bring it up the fight (which I'm sure it will become quickly) will be immediately focused on what was I doing snooping etc. Is there anyway at all to avoid this? 

Anyone, advice? Wisdom? Another more optimistic point of view?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LoveNotEnough said:


> I don't know how to even approach this. I know if I say I found all this info she's going to say I was stalking, looking for it, etc etc (I have in the past because of another incident involving her talking to her ex). But honestly this time I wasn't. I know if I bring it up the fight (which I'm sure it will become quickly) will be immediately focused on what was I doing snooping etc. Is there anyway at all to avoid this?


im so sorry. i kind of thought she might be cheating. obviously no one wants to jump to conclusions, but that is what i would think. but cheating or not, it is more then obvious that she has lied to you about the number and is hiding things from you. 

when i found out my H was hiding things from me, i went nutz-o, so i really dont know what a good approach would be. i generally just go into attack mode and id be a hypocrite if i told you to be calm and try not to jump to conclusions. even thinking about this is making me angry. im confrontational so id jump down her throat the second i saw her. i probably wouldnt be able to wait, either. and you know, you could try calling the number yourself to see who answers. you could even get her cellphone sometime when she's away from it and text the number to see what the response is. that's probably what id do. I wouldnt give a crap if my spouse got angry, either. 

I have snooped on my H. i put spyware on his computer. and you know if he ever once tried to make me feel guilty for doing that, i would have gotten even angrier. i hope you dont let your wife make you feel guilty for finding out.


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## LoveNotEnough (Apr 4, 2009)

Well an update, I did get her phone and found out who it is. I don't even know if it's a physical thing, but even if not it's wrong. The lists of her texts takes up over 100 pages just for one month. 

I told her I needed to talk yesterday, and she said ok. 
I sat her down and basically said, I want to have a civil converation, I don't want this to turn into a huge blowout (an issue we always have, I try to be civil she brings out super b- mode right away).

She says ok, so I start.

I first start off with saying that I know she's been smoking. To some not a big deal. For me it was because it's a promise she made to me when we had our son and has kept since then except during a fight. Now its an everyday thing, but she's hiding it. The hiding and the breaking of promises is what makes it a huge issue to me. 

She immediatly gets an attitude and asks how I know this, and what proof do I have etc. Never answering the question at all. She then tries to change the subject but backfired. She says "and who said you were supposed to be checking my call log". I calmly said "that's the second thing I need to talk to you about". 

I then calmly asked if she was telling me the truth, and if not to just tell me. She told me the same lie etc. I told her I knew she was lying and had proof. She stormed out of the room yelling about how I was horrible and she was tired of it. She said she knew she shouldn't of joined cell phones with "your crazy ass". I cornered her and looked her in the eye and asked her again, who's number is it. She told me the same lie. I couldn't take it at that point and half yelling and half crying began. She said the same thing that I was controlling in, and I always told her the same thing and she was tired of listening to me. I said if you're telling me the truth then lets call the number now, she declined. I couldn't take it anymore and got my keys and left. 

Later at work she found out from the guy that i had texted her pretending to be her. She said that "I was acting like a pyscho" and that I was in the wrong for texting him. She says she's allowed to have male friends, and that she's tired of being controlled, she's been there before and she won't do it again with me. She keeps saying she's done with me and the way I am. 

I guess that's about it. Looks like we're done. I'm heartbroken and empty but hey what can you do right? I know I've never been perfect, but I've always tried to give her everything I could. I feel so horrible for my son. He's only 8 months old and he doesn't even know what's happening. I promised myself I'd never have a child that grew up in a broken home. I guess I failed myself on that one.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

LoveNotEnough said:


> She said that "I was acting like a pyscho" and that I was in the wrong for texting him. She says she's allowed to have male friends, and that she's tired of being controlled,


my H pretty much said the same thing to me- especially about me controlling him. but you had to know the truth and you werent going to get it from her. she made that pretty obvious. its torture not having the evidence. you cant make a decision and move on with your life that way. Im really sorry for what you are going through.


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