# What to tell kids



## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I am 90% sure I have to divorce my husband of 16 years. We have 2 children, 13 and 9. I've posted about the reasons before. Bottom line, there has been financial infidelity on my part and sexual instances stemming from his desire to open our marriage, which I went along with because I was trying to make him happy. I have started seeing an independent counselor who diagnosed me as co-dependent. Not what I was expecting, but the more I research on my own and delve into the "homework" she gives me, the more I realize, she is right. I have completely sacrificed myself to try to fill a void in his and cater to his compulsive tendencies and I can no longer do that. I don't think he has ever been intentionally hurtful or even manipulative, but my tendency to try to fulfill all his needs has led to a tremendous amount of hurt that I cannot get past. He would probably go to counseling if I asked, but I just don't see the need in wasting his time when I feel so done. Everything has combined to make me no longer love him the way I feel a wife should. That's not fair to either one of us. The only thing I feel right now is profound sadness at the effect this will have on our kids, extended family and friends, and even him as from the outset, we are the perfect couple. I do hope we will be able to be good co-parents and maybe some sort of friends down the road.

This weekend I told him I was not happy (he has thought everything was fine) and that I had entered therapy. He was fine with that but held to the belief that he did not have much culpability in the matter, that I was never pushed into violating my marriage vows. No, I wasn't out right, but there was a constant low level talk about it that I took as pressure. Honestly, I had been driving down feelings for another man for a long time and this brought all that to the surface. He and I have since stopped communicating so that it has no bearing on my decisions. My husband spent the weekend bending over backwards trying to make me happy. It's just not there anymore for me. I think he has a lot of regrets but, in my opinion, for the wrong reasons. For example, he said he would stop sleeping with other women if I say to. That would not fix it simply because I don't care who he screws. That's not what I see as the core problem, just a symptom of it. He left for a business trip this morning and asked me if we were okay. I told him I did not know. In the past, I would have just said yes, but I could not bring myself to offer false hope this time. I cannot stomach the thought of waiting for what the next obsession is and what it would require of me or take from me. I wish him all the best and hope he can find someone who can make him happy without destroying herself. 

After all that (yes, I know I'm long winded), I know there is going to come a day in the near future that we are going to have to tell our children we have separated. I know this will hurt them, scar them, but living with parents who are just roommates I feel will be worse. I don't want them to know all that has gone on, especially the sexual parts. I do not want them to think their father is a bad person or anything like that. I'm sure once it becomes common knowledge, our town will assume I had an affair since he travels, so be it. I don't owe them any explanation and if I need to fall on the sword to protect my kids, I will. I just don't know how to explain how mom cannot live with dad anymore.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

my kids are 12 and 15. We told them last month, they were NOT SURPRISED at all. Their faces were saying "I knew it"....

We told them that we have tried really hard and put a lot of effort into it, but it is not working. We told them it is not their fault, and if they are interested in counseling, we can accomodate that. We told them we will always love them. 

Next day they both downloaded zillow app and started looking for houses in the area, excited. 

Of course, it won't be easy once the reality hits - separate Christmases, other things. But the sky did not not fall on them. They were expecting it. Chances are your kids won't be surprised either.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children know what the temperature of their home is. They watch even when you don’t think they are. I knew my parents weren’t happy. My child knew my husband and I weren’t happy. Every child is different, of course, but don’t assume they’ll be scarred forever because their parents divorce. A lot has to do with how it’s presented to them. They just want to be reassured their parents love them and will look out for their well-being. Yes, there’s usually an adjustment period but the more parents keep things simple and sane the easier it is for children to adjust.

As for your husband, he isn’t meant to only be with one woman and he’s very unlikely to ever be. He’s likely going to strongly oppose the divorce (my husband, who was a cheater, did) but just keep repeating that you’re done. I found it better to stick to that rather than go into long, involved explanations over and over. The more you talk the more they think there’s a chance you’ll change your mind.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Yeah, it does sound like an unhealthy relationship. 

You don't need to tell the children everything all at once, you can take time over it. I think before you can really honestly talk to them, you'll need to first get to knowing what you yourself think about it, and it sounds as if you are not there yet. It sounds like you are very recently into therapy, for example. You may feel quite definite at the moment, but your views may change over time. For example



Farmlady said:


> I don't think he has ever been intentionally hurtful or even manipulative, but my tendency to try to fulfill all his needs has led to a tremendous amount of hurt that I cannot get past.


So if he was not intentionally hurtful, would it be fair to say you hurt yourself, by what you did?


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> So if he was not intentionally hurtful, would it be fair to say you hurt yourself, by what you did?


Oh, absolutely. I have destroyed myself. I also don't see a scenario where I will not keep doing that or where I can love him again. He will not admit he has any addictive or compulsive tendencies. The one time we made some headway on that issue and I thought there was a chance, he did a complete 180 the next day and accused me of calling him an addict (I did not, for the record). Even now he keeps going back to saying that we will close the marriage and it will be okay. Well, no it won't, because that is not the core issue. I know I have control issues and communication difficulties. I can fight anything when we can admit it's there, but that is not happening, and I don't think it will.

I am not planning to tell them anything right away, but I don't think it will be too far off and I want to be as prepared to help them as I possibly can. You are entirely correct that I am new to therapy. In fact, I did not even want to verbalize it to my husband this past weekend because he is about to go on an extended work trip and I did not feel that was appropriate. He also becomes very clingy when he thinks I am at all unhappy. I wanted to work through therapy a little more while he was gone and get a better grip on my own feelings and intentions so I could communicate it better. However, he kept pushing so I told him a "lighter" version I guess. Even that is still trying to protect him. Again, same pattern. So much has gone on.

When I told him I was seeing a therapist, he did not outright dog it. His response was , wow, you are really f**** up about this. Yes, I am. All of it. I can't shake the feeling he is more messed up about the thought of losing me than anything else. I am not afraid to go it alone. He is terrified.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

IMHO, your children are entitled to know the truth. I think they'll surprise you, even at their young ages.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

Openminded said:


> As for your husband, he isn’t meant to only be with one woman and he’s very unlikely to ever be. He’s likely going to strongly oppose the divorce (my husband, who was a cheater, did) but just keep repeating that you’re done. I found it better to stick to that rather than go into long, involved explanations over and over. The more you talk the more they think there’s a chance you’ll change your mind.


He will strongly oppose it. I guess that's part of my plan for therapy is learning how to be stronger in the face of that since my instinct is to protect and make happy. When I was trying to explain some of it this weekend, he just kept going back to stopping the sexual activity like that was some sort of magic bullet. I felt terrible for having to put it on him, but I just can't stay. I finally just stopped talking. You're very likely correct, I'm just going to have to take the hard line and just be done.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better to not even discuss that any more with him. He knows how you feel but he’s going to do it anyway. And he will resent you if you tell him he has to stop, and make your life miserable, because he has a strong sense of entitlement. Nothing is ever his fault (I was married to a man similar to him). You can’t imagine how much you will enjoy not being married to him when that day comes.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem is that he loves you entirely on his terms and not how you want to be loved. People like that never understand that how they love may not be enough for their spouse. I had one of those and I don’t recommend it because it doesn’t get better.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

Openminded said:


> The problem is that he loves you entirely on his terms and not how you want to be loved. People like that never understand that how they love may not be enough for their spouse. I had one of those and I don’t recommend it because it doesn’t get better.


That's exactly what I fear. He believes in his love for me and I do to...for what it is. He loves me in his way. He has forgiven me a lot too. I am, admittedly, no saint. He thinks he can't live without me, but he can. My fear is that I agree to try again and 6 months or a year from now, the next obsession rears its ugly head or we fall back into the same pattern we have for 20+ years and have to go through the same pain (kids too) all over again. For me the bandaid is ripped off. He just has to realize it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I can guarantee you he feels he loves you more than he could possibly love anyone. And he probably does but it’s not how you want or need to be loved.

I tried again and again and again to make my marriage work. More than four decades of trying before I finally gave up. I don’t recommend it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Farmlady said:


> That's exactly what I fear. He believes in his love for me and I do to...for what it is. He loves me in his way. He has forgiven me a lot too. I am, admittedly, no saint. He thinks he can't live without me, but he can. My fear is that I agree to try again and 6 months or a year from now, the next obsession rears its ugly head or we fall back into the same pattern we have for 20+ years and have to go through the same pain (kids too) all over again. For me the bandaid is ripped off. He just has to realize it.


you are right, that's what he believes now. But once he accepted that it is over, he will find himself another lady before you dry your tears. People like this can not be by themselves


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> you are right, that's what he believes now. But once he accepted that it is over, he will find himself another lady before you dry your tears. People like this can not be by themselves


I am sure you are right. I have always (jokingly) said that if something happened to me tomorrow, he wouldn't let the preacher go to waste and be married before he left the funeral. I know it sounds flippant and I never mean to belittle his feelings for me, but I've always known he would not stay lonely long if I were not in the picture. He's just simply not built for it. Honestly, I wish he would find someone else he had a more than sexual connection with. Then I would not feel so much pressure. Sometimes I feel like I am being made to be the "bad guy" even though he is the one who initially wanted to go outside our marriage. 

I know I'm talkative. I do apologize. Just a lot in my head lately.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> you are right, that's what he believes now. But once he accepted that it is over, he will find himself another lady before you dry your tears. People like this can not be by themselves


My ex-husband did exactly that. After all his crying and begging and pleading and general hysteria that I would even consider divorcing him, he immediately found someone else (who was not his AP) and remarried the day the divorce decree was signed. Couldn’t be alone for five minutes. I was beyond thrilled that he was at that point someone else’s problem.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t worry at all about being talkative. It helps to share these thoughts and get them out of your head. 

Long before I ever knew I would be divorced, I felt if my husband outlived me that he would remarry immediately because he couldn‘t function without someone to take care of him. So I can definitely identify with the funeral joke.

Yes, you’ll likely be viewed as the bad guy by family and friends for wanting out. I was. In some cases it took years after my divorce for those relationships to sort themselves out but they all have now. And if they hadn’t that would have been okay too because I was tired of living my life as it was. As I reminded all of them many times, it’s my life and not theirs.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I may be telling them sooner than I thought. Just got off the phone with the husband. He told me he was glad I was going to therapy. Maybe I could figure out was is wrong with me and get it fixed because he just wants us to be better and me not dread talking to him or him coming home. 

He also tells me if I want to stop having sex with someone else (already have) that's fine cause there is nothing in it for him anymore. If I do it, it will be for my benefit. That he doesn't want me doing anything else to make him happy. I never wanted it anyway! Has missed the point so much. 

He was in tears wanting us to be okay and I cannot offer that. He asked if I had anything to say and I said no. I have no intention of discussing anything else until I see my therapist more and have more of a handle on myself. I really feel good about her. I don't think I would ever get him to understand my point of view and I no longer have the energy to waste.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s used to pushing you to get his way. It’s worked before so he thinks it will work this time. Prepare for more uncomfortable conversations. It takes a strong person to work through this but you are and you will.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Do not back down. You’ll just find yourself in the same position and more scars couple years down the road.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Farmlady said:


> I may be telling them sooner than I thought. Just got off the phone with the husband. He told me he was glad I was going to therapy. Maybe I could figure out was is wrong with me and get it fixed because he just wants us to be better and me not dread talking to him or him coming home.
> 
> He also tells me if I want to stop having sex with someone else (already have) that's fine cause there is nothing in it for him anymore. If I do it, it will be for my benefit. That he doesn't want me doing anything else to make him happy. I never wanted it anyway! Has missed the point so much.
> 
> He was in tears wanting us to be okay and I cannot offer that. He asked if I had anything to say and I said no. I have no intention of discussing anything else until I see my therapist more and have more of a handle on myself. I really feel good about her. I don't think I would ever get him to understand my point of view and I no longer have the energy to waste.


He's glad you're going to therapy because then the therapist can 'fix' you and he can have the marriage he likes (the one where you do everything and he benefits) back without having to grow or change or learn or work. He's glad you're in therapy because to him it means you are the problem and not him.

If he doesn't want you doing anything else to make him happy, that's perfect. Extrapolate that for him. You are not going to do anything to make him happy. Including stay married to him. Your whole marriage has been about making HIM happy, and you've reached your limit.

It's hard telling the kids. All you can do is explain that you are divorcing because you do not have a good partnership. Most of all, kids will need reassurance that it's nothing to do with them. It's not their fault. They didn't do anything to cause it, and there is nothing they can do to to fix it. They will want you to stay together, and will blame themselves for not being obedient enough, not doing well enough in school, whatever kid logic comes up, and they will work extra hard to try to overcome whatever they are blaming themselves for, in the hopes you stay together. It's scary for kids to see their parents split up because if someone can stop loving their spouse, it means maybe they can stop loving their kids, too.

They will be scared of the upheaval, and what it means for their lives. You will want to have answers for them about how it will affect where they live, their school, their activities and friends. For example: "Your dad will continue to live in this house, and you guys will help me find a nice new house not far away. And you'll live part of the week with him, and part of it with me. You won't change schools, you won't change neighbourhoods, and you won't lose any friends."

They will be looking to trust you with answers and assurances of future stability. You don't want to just be saying "I don't know," or "we didn't think of that," because that's scary. You are the parent, you are supposed to be in control of this adult stuff. If they do stump you with a question, explain that you have to do some research and then you'll get back to them with a plan.

It's also important for them to see you managing your emotions well. You can be sad about it, or have mixed emotions, and you can explain that you're sad but also relieved. Just don't fall apart where they can witness it, or vent to them or treat them as emotional supports.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I contacted a divorce attorney today to get an initial consultation. I want to get an idea of what I would be looking at as far as spousal support, asset division, etc. As much as he has put me through (and I him, I'm sure) and as angry and hurt as I sometimes, this was a really hard step for me. I feel incredibly sad but not necessarily wrong. I hope these feelings are normal. This is the hardest day I've had in a while. Now trying to process my emotions before I go home to my children so I can be the parent they need.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Farmlady said:


> I contacted a divorce attorney today to get an initial consultation. I want to get an idea of what I would be looking at as far as spousal support, asset division, etc. As much as he has put me through (and I him, I'm sure) and as angry and hurt as I sometimes, this was a really hard step for me. I feel incredibly sad but not necessarily wrong. I hope these feelings are normal. This is the hardest day I've had in a while. Now trying to process my emotions before I go home to my children so I can be the parent they need.


Your strong
Your powerful 
Your determined
Your valid
Your important 
Your confident 

Your ...... free
And that scares the hell out of him.
Take that power back

You are powerful


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Farmlady I suffer from dyslexia and sometimes I misread a word for a split second before it resolves to the word that it really is.

I originally read about your husband's "repulsive" behaviour, then realised that you had actually written "compulsive" rather than "repulsive."

Then I thought: "Actually, from the description of his antics, 'repulsive' is probably correct."


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> @Farmlady I suffer from dyslexia and sometimes I misread a word for a split second before it resolves to the word that it really is.
> 
> I originally read about your husband's "repulsive" behaviour, then realised that you had actually written "compulsive" rather than "repulsive."
> 
> Then I thought: "Actually, from the description of his antics, 'repulsive' is probably correct."


😂😂I'm not sure if that was supposed to be funny or not but I got a much needed laugh out of it so thank you. At this point, it is all so absurd, it's laugh or cry. Been a little tough this week. Tried to talk to him about separation last night and he maintains that we will just get through it. I applaud his efforts, and but I am so far gone. I am trying to brace him for this as best I can, but he is just not hearing me. I have an appointment with a family law attorney tomorrow. Just as initial consult to give me an idea of where it all would stand and how to go forward.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hey @Farmlady 

Here's some reading up you can do. Here are the divorce laws in all 50 states: Divorce Laws in All 50 States « (click more to see the full list).

Just pick your state and there is a link directly to the laws in your state, AND there is a summary of your state's laws like is it no-fault or grounds, can you do a legal separation, is counseling required, how is property divided, and is there alimony? 

I would encourage you to actually read the laws of your state yourself! Knowledge is power!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At some point (soon) you’ll probably have to be very honest with him and not attempt to spare his feelings in any way. He’s still thinking he can talk you into remaining married and he’ll likely continue. Some people never do give up.


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