# Confused in my marriage



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

I'm totally new to this but I wanted to get opinions from married women. I just want some honesty and perspective on how to improve my marriage. It may be too late but I want to know that I did everything I could to make my marriage work because I do love my wife.

Ok, here's the situation. My Wife and I have been married for going on 13 years in January. We have 3 kids together, house, careers, two dogs and so forth. For the past 8 to 10 years I haven't been the best husband, berrating her about her weight and drinking and generally being villanous. I never physically abused her (never touched her in any form) but my mental abuse towards her was quite harsh. Last year around this time I was talking with another woman and was building that relationship while watching my marriage crumble. My wife had put on a bit of wieght and I wanted her to lose it more than anything and I started off being nice about it but after a few years I became mean about it and then became complete terrible about it. About that time last year), God convicted me and showed me that the way I was handling my family, personal and everyday life was not in line with what He wanted for me and I repented and did a complete 180. I broke off talking with the other woman (only over the internet, never met or talked with each other on the phone), started going to marriage counseling, apologized to my wife and children and rededicated myself to Christ and my church. I don't drink, cuss, go out with guys or do anything that doesn't figure around church or family so I'm spending a lot of time with the kids and my wife now. 

It's been almost a year since that all took place and my wife tells me that she sees huge changes in me and I'm everything that she's ever wanted me to be but she feels numb towards me and isn't sure she wants to be with me anymore. I still want her to lose the weight but I'm not nearly what I was when I talk to her about it (maybe once every other month and not like "How much weight have you lost, blah, blah blah.) but more of a "Hey, your looking great, how's the gym and the like?" To help her achieve this goal which she says is her goal as well, I clean the whole house, feed the kids, get the kids ready almost everyday for school, help with their homework, get the kids bathed and put in bed at night, handle all the bills, and basically do everything around the house everyday after I get home from work so that she can concentrate on whatever she wants. I'm starting to think that I'm putting too much pressure on her but I still have desires for her and us. When we first got together she was a lot thinner and not so much now. 

So yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and cleaned out the pantry and threw away a few tupperware bowls because I needed to clean the pantry out. She got really mad that I threw away a bowl that she uses and stated that she didn't think that our marriage was going to work. She stated that if she had another place to go she would leave. I don't want her to leave, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or if the damage I've done in the past is too much to work through. There are minor details that I forgot to mention such as she said that she was going to clean out the pantry three weeks ago but never did but I didn't want to cast her in a bad light or make it look like I cleaned it out out of spite because I didn't. I just needed the room when I was putting away the dishes. 

I know this is scattered and out of sorts but any advice would be helpful.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week do the two of you spend doing date-like things, just the two of you?

What common interests do you two have?


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

We carpool to work in the morning for 45 minutes one way each day and then have our 15 year old in the car on the ride home so we get that time to talk. We generally spend about 3 to 6 hours a week on the couch together and an average of 4 to 6 hours a month just us doing dates and being alone with each other (it's hard to get away with a 15 year old, 5 year old and 2 year old at the house but we do manage). We have a trip to Orlando for 3 days next weekend planned. So we do get our quality time together. The sad thing is that the sex has never been better between us.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In order to maintain the bond and passion in a marriage, a couple needs to spend about 15 hours a week together, just the two of you, doing date-like things.

So you do get some quality time together but not enough. One of the best ways to re-build the bond in a marriage is to learn something together. Like take a class. Things like dancing and scuba diving are good ones because they require that you work together. Plus they can be life-long joint interests. These are things that you can take vacations around as well.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

That sounds great but there is no way that we'll be able to get that time together with the kids and bills that we have. We have our time together but we can't afford a baby sitter for that long of time and I would be trading time with the kids for time with the wife which would be ok for a short time but not feasible for the long term in my humble opinion. Getting her to scuba dive does sound like fun though.


----------



## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

About two yeras ago, my husband yelled at me about some things that were not my fault and defended the person who caused the problem (a neighbor). He was incredibly rude to me when I had done nothing to deserve it. It changed the way I feel about him. The passage of time has not lessened the amount of disconnect I feel, even thought he makes an effort to be nicer to me. But that event killed something inside me. If he was trying to make if up to me but still nagging me about me weight, the making it up part would not even register. You're making her feel like she's not good enough for you and then wondering what the problem is.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

I'm not nagging her anymore about it. We've talked about it and I only ask in ways that she has told me she is comfortable with. I feel like I'm not worth working for or changing for even though I was asked and did that for her. I've only asked for this to change and nothing else but I was asked to change quite a bit and did because I love her and want her to be happy. I think I'm having a hard time with what I percieve to be a double standard of change that was desired from me but when I desire something I'm told to back off and quit wanting that. Does that make sense or am I looking at it totally wrong?


----------



## gloriagloria (Aug 14, 2013)

The transformation you describe is impressive. I think you said your change has lasted a year -- is that correct?
I'm asking because I know that I'd be skeptical about the durability of a 180 change - I'd wonder how long it'd last. But if it's a year, that's pretty significant, IMO.

To answer your question, I can provide my perspective about the weight issue.

(Background: I was very athletic, gained weight due to illness and depression, and lost the weight. So I feel I can relate to someone in that situation.)

I operate best when I feel valued. This is true of me in every context, for example, when I played sports, I'd do about anything for a coach who I felt valued me. Unfortunately, the opposite was also true.

So my advice is to communicate that you value her at any weight. It's a little counter-intuitive, but -- for me -- it would work.

I also thrive on affirmation, so I'd encourage any baby step she makes. For example, if she runs a 5k, go cheer. 

The other side of this issue is more complicated, but I recently learned just how important weight is to men. (My partner explains things really clearly and clinically, and it makes sense to me.)
I feel like it's a crazy secret that I want to share with any woman who wants to optimize things.

So I'm not sure how you'd explain this, but I think it'd be useful for her to fully understand the positive effect it has on a guy if he feels visually attracted to his woman. It's a big motivator for me to want to maintain/improve my physical appearance now.

I hope this helps, and best to you and your wife. 
It'd be so great to hear a story of a relationship that gets really redeemed.


----------



## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

If losing weight was easy, nobody would be overweight. It's also not something you do FOR somebody else. Losing weight is harder for women aas they get older. I gained weight because of a medication I took, and even though I stopped taking it several yeras ago, the weight will not come off. No matter how much I diet and excercise, I stay the same. It's frustrating enough for me- if my husband was obviously so concerned about it, it would make me back away from him. If I felt I could be perfect in every way and he'd still be disappointed over something I can do little about, it would not make me feel closer to him.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

If the weight was a medical issue or some other problem that could not be addressed then I would not even see it but I know she can change it because she has before. I also know that if we split she would lose weight and start dating again at a smaller size (i'm speculating because I've seen it a few times in the past with other women, I don't know this to be fact). 

I try to encourage my wife every chance I get. I applaud her when she does anything that is hard for her (regardless if its hard for me or not). I focus on her positives physically and am loving and tender in areas that are not positive to her. I wouldn't ask her to do anything that is impossible or harmful to her. 

As far as the transformation, it's completely God's doing and a desire on my part so it's going to last. I tell her all the time that no matter what happens I'm not going to be the man I was before because thats not good for her, the kids, me or God's ministry. I remember what I was before and I'm totally offended at the way I was and I still feel shame from it on occassions but I know I'm forgiven so I pass over that quickly and quitely as the past is best left in the past.

I just want to know that she wants me the way I want her. I would do anything for her and have shown it and will continue to as long as it takes. If she wanted me to grow a duck dynasty beard I would because she wants it. I just want that type of love again, the dating, cant wait to see me, cant wait to please me love that I'm feeling again for her. Maybe I'm asking too much to quickly. But I know we could have a great relationship now. I also understand the trepidation with regards to seeing if its a real thing or an act but I figured a year was a good amount of time to prove myself.


----------



## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

You can grow a beard with no effort. Losing weight isn't effortless. You make it sound like she's overweight to get back at you. I would LOVE to lose weight. I'd feel better about myself and would like to be more attractive to my husband. It bothers me more than it bothers him. And I'm not exactly obese, I'm a size 10. It's not as easy as you seem to think it is. It doesn't mean she doesn't want you. That doesn't even make sense.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

I meant no offense. And I can't grow a beard so it made more sense from my perspective. But I know what it's like to change from being angry and mean all the time to patient and kind and the effort and hardwork that took. I also know how much effort, dieting and time it takes to lose 40 pounds so I'm not oblivious to what it entails. 

I don't think she's overweight to get back at me. That would be bad for both of us and I think more of her than that. 

I associate the effort not the results with her weight. If she went to the gym and ate right (most of the time, not always) I wouldn't say another word the rest of my life to her about it. I would see the effort and be content and know that I meant enough to her that she is willing to put in the extra time to make me happy. 

As a guy I know I see things differently. Desire to me is more than just telling me she wants me. Anyone can say that they love someone but when it comes down to showing it sometimes you find out that the person doesn't love you as much as they said they did. I know my wife loves me but I'm getting more words than examples. 

Can I ask my wife to lose weight and want that without being a jerk? Why is this issue so problematic for me? Am I the problem? This is not a pity post. I'm genuinely curious to what women think or if my line of thought is mean spirited.


----------



## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

If she feels she IS trying and already feels bad about herself - which she may keep to herself - constantly being reminded is going to make her feel that you value her physical self above anything else. I think you need to stop being so fixated on that one aspect. Feeling that my physical self is what matters makes me feel like a piece of meat. Which does not make me "want" the person who makes me feel that way.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

That makes sense. 

Guys are physical though and women are emotional so how do I remove that part of my thinking? 

Is this something I can re-address in the future, maybe a year from now? 

What should I do when I feel unappreciated or undervalued because this is a desire of mine as I patiently try to change thought patterns?


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

How much overweight is she? To me, it makes a HUGE difference whether her weight increased by 10% versus 100% since you married. She has a 2 and 5 yo. To have a bit of that pregnancy weight gain when she is a very busy career woman and mom is within normal range and your expectations are a problem. OTH if she has gained 50-100% since you married her--> the weight gain is a problem.

I commend you on your big change. How is your weight and fitness? What % have you gained since you got married? (Hypocrisy on these issues can be extremely irritating! ) Maybe you two could do some fitness activities together?


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

linkslade2000 said:


> I'm not nagging her anymore about it. We've talked about it and I only ask in ways that she has told me she is comfortable with. I feel like I'm not worth working for or changing for even though I was asked and did that for her. I've only asked for this to change and nothing else but I was asked to change quite a bit and did because I love her and want her to be happy. I think I'm having a hard time with what I percieve to be a double standard of change that was desired from me but when I desire something I'm told to back off and quit wanting that. Does that make sense or am I looking at it totally wrong?


Looking at it totally wrong.

The changes she asked for from you were character and sin issues. Drinking and EA's (which goes with the drinking in my experience with my husband, progressing to PA's eventually...). You broke your marriage vows with that crapola and she isn't sure she wants your cheating a$$ anymore ESPECIALLY if you're going to be all self righteous about the changes you made and try to make her weight into an equivalent violation of the marriage.

I would find it offensive if I was mildly overweight and my husband wanted to make an equivalency with his decade long alcohol addiction, cruelty, and lurching toward unfaithfulness (JFTR I could make a case of it being a sin *if* she is morbidly obese- which is a result of behavior and can cause vow breaking if for example she can't have sex anymore due to health complications)


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

As a woman reading your posts I would comment as follows:

There is nothing more depressing than someone harping on about your weight. As you have by your own admission been positively awful to her about it in the past I don't think it's good enough to do the full 180 but still to make an issue about the weight. Even if you consider it to be an issue in your heart of hearts you would be best advised to shut up completely about the weight and reassure her that you love her whatever her size. I fear you may be too far gone even to approach it by doing exercise and activities together because she would see it as a sneaky way of you making the weight an issue. I don't see how you can get round this. Also remember that she has had to put up with 8-10 years of your grim behaviour. And now after only a year of making an effort you seem to feel justified in feeling upset that she is not making the effort you think she should be about her weight. To my mind if you ever make any allusion to her size at all it must only be from a health point of view and even then I think you are playing with fire, given your history.

I have a husband who is "helpful". He thinks he is, that is. In fact his "helpful" activities are usually interfering and irritating. That's how I see your pantry cleaning activities. No doubt very kindly meant, as is the case with my husband, but if I don't ask for help with something I DON'T WANT IT. Especially if I have said I am going to do something and then don't immediately get round to it.

God may have no problem in forgiving you when you show true repentance, but humans generally can't. There is baggage and history and past resentments that are hard to let go of.

I appreciate that my post may come across as rather negative and nagging, so I would like to end by congratulating you on seeing the error of your ways and making such a huge effort to turn things around. I hope that in the long run you are successful.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

linkslade2000 said:


> So yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and cleaned out the pantry and threw away a few tupperware bowls because I needed to clean the pantry out. She got really mad that I threw away a bowl that she uses and stated that she didn't think that our marriage was going to work. She stated that if she had another place to go she would leave. I don't want her to leave, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong or if the damage I've done in the past is too much to work through.


^^A counselor would call that the "presenting issue". It's not really about throwing out that bowl. I wouldn't be surprised if she feels rejected. She has a lot of unresolved hurt from the bad years.

I suggest you take her to Marriage Help Program For Couples and learn how to listen to her in a way which is healing.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

She has gained 100% since we got together but is now down to 50 % gain so I'm very happy with that. When we first met and started dating she was 100 lbs at 5 feet and that is why I was attracted to her, that and her beautiful red hair. She has a great personality and I've always thought that ever since we met in high school. We don't have a lot in common but we always desired to spend time together so it wasn't too hard for us to find things to do together. Trips, bed and breakfasts, shopping, and a plethora of other things but nothing that was big with either of us was good with both of us. She loves music and to sing and I find it to be nails on a chalk board but don't tell her that because she loves it so. I love to play video games and do intense cardio (xfit, p90x, etc) and she's not into that so common interests are few. She watches netflix on the couch while my son and I play games on the t.v. so we do compromise on activities to spend time with each other. 

My weight now is at 185 lbs at 6 foot. When I was the worst at my behaviour with her I was at 165 lb with 10% bodyfat and in great shape. I kept telling her that I was doing it so she could also. I now see the error in that line of thought. When we did go to the gym I overshadowed her with her friends by being funny and detracting from her and her enjoyment there and it made her quiet and withdrawn so I quit going to the gym within the last 6 months so that she could have that time for her and her friends. This also allows me to take care of the house and the kids at night so she's not stressed with that. I'm not anywheres close to being overweight but I'm not a six packer either anymore.

I understand the hypocrite aspect and I wouldn't ever ask my wife to do anything I haven't done before (except give birth, you women are more pain tolerant than I am, but I can do the breathing part, lol). I try to lead by example but get frustrated when my example is ignored. I also understand that she is an individual and can do what she likes and I shouldn't harass her about what I desire from her when it's not detrimental to our relationship but I do think of it as an issue that we could work through together. Like a budget or communication or anything that we face.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

We've been going to marriage counseling and I listen to her so much better than I used to. I affirm her when she tells me things. I try to drill down to the real reason for the hurt and I put her feelings and thoughts before mine when I can so that I can see it from her point of view. The problem is I've come to see that I'm not getting the same affirmation and I'm becoming frustrated from always being the listener and being wrong or being unconcerned as she would say.

Yes the years of hurt are a huge problem that we may never overcome. Lord willing we will.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Any chance you could walk together? You can put the little ones in a stroller.

Do you remember your wife trying to get you to quit drinking? Did you feel like she was trying to control you? And then get "rebellious", "that ***** trying to tell me what to do!"

You trying to armtwist her into losing weight isn't going to work any better. You gotta Let go and Let God.

TBH, I think it will be character building for you to learn to let go of this.


----------



## linkslade2000 (Oct 7, 2013)

No my wife isn't obese. She never really was upset about my drinking either. She's just a little over weight and we do walk together and talk with the kids when we walk around our neighborhood. I make it a point to get up and go whenever she asks so that she knows that I care. 

I truly wish I could not see her weight or be concerned with it. I know that I cause a lot of problems because I want something that she is completely uncomfortable with but I don't know how to put it away completely. I'm good for about a month or so and then it pops up again. If I keep my mouth shut it shows on my face. 

What really irks me though is as I write this I know my wife is desirable and I do desire her but I devalue her with my physical wants. I also get 100% frustrated because I know that if I could totally forget about it I'm sure I would get exactly what I want but the inner voice says that if I forget about it and never say anything that she'll get a lot bigger. 

I guess in the grand scheme of things I control me and my thoughts and I should change me and let her choose who she wants to be. There are a few sexual issues though when she was bigger but that hasn't been a problem since she dropped some weight.

Thanks for all the input. I feel a lot more educated and understanding about the weight. Lets see if I can incorporate the advice for our growth.


----------

