# need a guys point of view...



## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 28 years...over the years we have had times when sex was non-existant or almost non-existant. I completely take my share of the responsiblity! I have never told him no but sometimes its not hard to tell I'm not in the mood...so a few years ago he started "staying on his side of the bed so that if anything happened it wasn't his fault". We have had times when things were great and times when if I try to iniate something he says you better go to sleep...he doens't want "charity". I told him I know that I don't "have to have sex with him" - if I iniate it it's because I want to. Like I said I know that alot of this is my fault...but this man never forgets anything. When we've had issues I usually get over it pretty quick and go on...he gets his feeling hurt and goes to porn sites or a strip club (rarely goes) but I can't help but get my feelings hurt. I'm not a real secure person and him looking @ these little young girls that are naked doesn't help. He assures me that its nothing...but if it wasn't then why go? I know this man loves me or he wouldn't still be with me what can I do to make him see that I truly love to have sex with him ....even when I'm not in the mood to start with! I know I have hurt him and would do anything to change it if I could...but he has hurt me too.


----------



## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

There was a lovely post I read on the "Success story" section by a 70+ woman on sexuality. I highly recommend it as it contains many good steps you can take to improve your situation.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8487-51-years-till-death-do-we-part-my-love-then-grab-me-you-go.html

Regarding why he is hurt. Most men view their partner's desire for them sexually as a sign of love and respect. Men are generally very hurt by rejection in this regard and it is common after prolonged rejection for them to withdraw and stonewall. 

Furthermore the average man experiences the need to ejaculate once a day if stimulated. If his needs are not met the desire builds and it's highly likely he will search for outlets to release it. 

That said, steps can be taken from both sides towards a healthy sex life. He can help with tasks so that you do not feel so tired and he can romance you so that you feel more in the mood. Once in the act he can do proper foreplay and caressing and be preoccupied with your pleasure as well as his. On your side you can focus your mind on the pleasure you can get from the act and thus be more willing to have it more often and also initiate more often. 

I strongly suggest avoiding words like "I don't have to have sex with you", even though your intentions are good this comes across as very hurtful to a man as indeed it sounds you are doing charity volunteer work and out of self respect he will reject you at this point. 

I would suggest you use words such as "I love and respect you and you are a wonderful gentle lover, I know I have not been too appreciative of this and I apologize, I thoroughly enjoy making love to you and would like to do it more often, please come and kiss me."


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

men pick up on sex that is service oriented, and not sex based around true desire. one way i began to realize it in my marriage was when i noticed my wife jumping up immediately after, getting dressed and moving on to other things. then i noticed frequency dropping as her availability was less and less. i began to lose desire for sex with her. now we dont even come close to intimacy of any kind and our marriage is coming unglued. im sure she could come on here and give you reasons why she doesnt want sex with me, but i have approached that subject with her numerous times in the past, when i wanted to fix things, and she gave me nothing.

jessie, the difference between you and my wife is you atleast recognize there is a problem and you have come here for advice. i applaud you for that. my wife seems content to let it die.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think this is salvageable. Don't read too much into the strip club thing. I've done it too pretty much the whole time there I'm thinking about my wife or the hurt and pain. It's a juvenile way in which to deal with this issue but guys aren't exactly mature full time anyways.

It's got nothing to do with the "young things" there. In fact the young girls there are a turn off for me anyways.


----------



## ShuttleDIK (Oct 18, 2010)

Truth be told, I've always looked at strip clubbing as a male bonding experience. I've never gotten much emotional or physical reward from it. Now, private room dance? May as well cheat... 

In this, my second marriage, I haven't been to one and honestly don't feel the need/desire. I guess it helps I'm longer in the tooth and my friends aren't headed there. Hey, my wallet isn't complaining either.

I don't have a problem w/ your insecurities about the pr0n & clubs. You're going to react to things. But can I ask if he did these things before you were married? Did you expect them to stop?

But I can definitely relate to the intimacy issues. It's good you're willing to admit some culpability. He needs to as well. I'm just starting with it, but is he aware of any of the NMMNG material? While I did some Male development stuff after my first marriage fell apart, I wasn't aware of some of the other things I was doing or why, at least. In the month since I've started, my wife & I have "reconnected" after a year of abstinence.

I don't think you should have sex if you don't feel like it. So what would make you want to? Gotta know that to go forward.

Apparently w/ my wife it was that I needed to not be directly concerned about her feelings & I needed to get the f outta the house more! lol.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Look up "Sex Starved Marriage". There's a website with an excellent description of what it does emotionally to the other person.

He likely feels very unsafe emotionally. He probably is like most men and is very touch oriented. Touch is a communication of love. Sex is a different category in my mind (unlike the book 5 Love Languages which equates them), but it also is an expression of love. I think many men think of sex with the woman they love as not just a physical act to reach orgasm, but rather it is an expression to her of his love, and an affirmation to him of her love. To me, sex is also a very strong affirmation of her acceptance of me. It is my most vulnerable time physically and emotionally.

So if she consistently refuses sex it is a rejection of me emotionally. It is a withholding or denial of love. Duty sex, or as my wife calls it "guilt sex" is no more than masturbation. I can masturbate or go to a hooker or pick up a drunk horny woman at the bar and still have an orgasm. So what is different about married sex? _It is with *her*_.

Duty sex with the ceiling inspector is then worse than masturbating because it is a reminder of her rejection or her lack of love.

Strip clubs and some occasional porn are not at all an affair type of experience for a man. For me I fantasize about having hot sex _with my wife_. There was a really steamy scene with Ann Hathaway in an R movie. Yes she is a very beautiful woman naked, and the scene in the movie is memorable. My mind though is that I want that to be my wife and for that to be us.

Non-addictive uses of erotic materials or strip clubs is no different to a man than the typical romance novel is to a woman. As long as it remains clearly fantasy and is not a substitute for normal interaction with people it does not seem to me to be anything that threatens a relationship.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jessie, we were communicating before on the other forum and I then saw your post here.

Don't think I can add too much to what has already been written but I don't think our situations are radically different.

My wife will often curl up on her side of the bed so as not to give me "the wrong idea" that she wants to be intimate. 

I am definitely a "touch" kind of guy and like to reach out to touch my wife during the course of the night. When i say touch, I mean just that. I may rest my hand on her hip or shoulder or butt. It doesn't mean I'm looking for sex (although at times it has lead to that). However, she occasionally has told me that she doesn't like it because she feels it's pressure. What that typically triggers in me is a complete withdrawl to my side of the bed so as not to bother her.

Needless to say, her pulling away from me is what I percieve as another rejection of sorts. Couple that with since I try not to bother her (intiate) for a couple of weeks, she wonders why I gave her the last two weeks "off" from sex! She actually said this to me! I told her that day that if making love with me was a "chore" that you look forward to your time off, don't worry about having to report to work any more!

Your husband has had his ego bruised deeply. I know how he feels that the strip joints are a welcome distraction. I know that when I've been to them (it's been quite a while) that i too couldn't stop thinking about my wife and looked forward to getting home to her. Perhaps you might want to consider putting on a little "show" for him one night when he gets home from one of the clubs? The following morning (in the after glow if all goes right the night before) would be a good time to have another talk about your intimacy issues. 

Just give him a chance to wake up a little or help to "coax" him awake. As I've told my wife, I am much more pliable and agreeabe to conversations the morning after a wonderful night with her!


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Jessie - I echo everything that has been said by others. He is hurt, bruised ego is not how I would put it, more emotionally shellshocked. Sexual rejection is just something that is incomprehensible for some. The same way others cannot comprehend why anyone would want to have sex more than 1x a month, and even then, when you could be sleeping or on pinterest.

Your statement "I know this man loves me or he wouldn't still be with me what can I do to make him see that I truly love to have sex with him ....even when I'm not in the mood to start with!" tells me your issue is very easily fixable. Just time and effort. The answer, (1) compliments - sincerely compliment him and show honest appreciation for him, (2) passion - be passionate for him, not just sex, but when you have the time, spend time with your hands on him - touching and rubbing (back, chest, etc.)., and (3) be comfortable with him - you said you were "not real secure"; showing him that while you may not love the way you look, you love him enough to let him see you can be a big deal - it says "we are together."

As for porn, most guys differentiate porn from real life - it is not competition or replacement for a wife, it is lubrication for masturbation; even more so than many women I know separate fiction (books and movies) from real life. 

Interesting, anecdotally, how many "LD" wives are against porn, while HD wives seem fine with it.


----------



## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's point of view...gives me a man's prespective on things and does help! I know that men and women see things differently alot of times.


----------



## madwitt3 (Mar 2, 2012)

married 17 years, 1st emotional affair lasted for 4 years with the nutty older neighbor lady before child #1. She would call leave threating messages (I was about 8 months pregnant with his child) I called the cops, he defends her actions her "Doctors messed up her medications". Kicking and screaming for him to stop talking to her baby born, I am outside in my own yard she is screaming at me from her window calling me names with my baby in my arms, I call the cops he defends her again. Baby #2 comes and I find his internet activity looking for women. I blew up, you want that then tell me so I can move on with my life. Baby #3 emotional affair with nanny who was manipulating him, I basically went from a good mother to a bad one in his eyes in a matter of months all of a sudden as she was passively brainwashing him strocking his ego believing he had a friend in her. She delibertly tried to break us up, embelished what I did or said making them mountians from little hills, letting him believe I was mean to her and the children (funny the kids say she was the mean one). Ok so we have decided to part ways. He tells me he cares for me but has not loved me for 12 years (about emotinal affair #1 time frame). I never got over it and we both shut down stopped communicating yes for 12 years. He has allowed the nanny to walk all over me, treating her better even the kids noticed it. I fired her and asked for him to stop communicating with her. We are in couples therapy we are communicating and the sex is coming back. I didn't get anything for Christmas from him and he always gets me a nice piece of jewelry. Nanny fired and gone for a month my birthday comes up and he gives me a huge amount of cash to go shopping and get a new look for myself. He even takes me to Nordstroms spends half a grand on three shirts. You see I got dressed up on night, makeup hair etc (still look good) went out without telling him where I was going or who I was meeting. He says its so I can look good not be in mommy clothes. He is talking about dating other people and still at home being husband and dad 100% for now. We are getting along better communicating thanks to therapy. Yet I am totally confused with everything. He is a proud calm quite man keeps to himself. Can someone give me some insight on what the hell is going on and what is he doing??? Im really confused. He tells me he doesn't love me anymore but cares about me. Now he is showering me with gifts talking about dating other people (both of us) and wants me to look good , I feel like a yoyo. We are still intimate as much as we can be. We are still in therapy and he is going willingly?? He feels he doesn't need to go but is doing it. What is going on in this mans head? Im lost!!!! HELP


----------



## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Jessie

change your ways of seeing things and let him change his ways too, so as to have consensus...


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

Jesse,

The not interested mood is what needs to change. I know telling you to get intersted is much easier said than done. Think about what strip clubs offer men. Most guys go to strip clubs with their buddies to hang out, but quite a few also go for what a strip club represents. It's not about getting their rocks off to girls...well for a majority of men. What a man gets at a strip club is interest. A woman who has no real interest in him (other than emptying his wallet) treats him like he's the most interesting and exciting man on the planet even though she's not interested. He goes home happy because the stripper gave him attention and never told him by body language or with what she said that she doesn't care for him. That's why they go back...

The lack of interest shows when you have sex if your relationship is like mine. We don't want to be with the "sisters of charity", we want to be with a stripper. Someone who makes us feel wanted, needed and important. Someone who never says I'm not interested by how they respond in the bedroom. Guys need a woman who is a lady in public, a great mother to their children in the home and a *****/stripper in the bedroom. If you can channel that, he's gonna be happy and you might find your mood changed. If nothing else, you know he wont be going to the titty bar for attention if your giving it to him at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jessie13 said:


> I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 28 years...over the years we have had times when sex was non-existant or almost non-existant. I completely take my share of the responsiblity! I have never told him no but sometimes its not hard to tell I'm not in the mood...so a few years ago he started "staying on his side of the bed so that if anything happened it wasn't his fault". We have had times when things were great and times when if I try to iniate something he says you better go to sleep...he doens't want "charity". I told him I know that I don't "have to have sex with him" - if I iniate it it's because I want to. Like I said I know that alot of this is my fault...but this man never forgets anything. When we've had issues I usually get over it pretty quick and go on...he gets his feeling hurt and goes to porn sites or a strip club (rarely goes) but I can't help but get my feelings hurt. I'm not a real secure person and him looking @ these little young girls that are naked doesn't help. He assures me that its nothing...but if it wasn't then why go? I know this man loves me or he wouldn't still be with me what can I do to make him see that I truly love to have sex with him ....even when I'm not in the mood to start with! I know I have hurt him and would do anything to change it if I could...but he has hurt me too.


Have you guys read His Needs Her Needs.

I am amazed at how many woman do not truly understand that a man connects with his woman through sex. Not the other way around. Sex is not everything, but the rest does not matter without the sexual connection.

It is not a hobby. It is not a like. It is the #1 by far emotional need. What he just decided he did not need to go to work any more?


----------



## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

Phantomfan thanks for your reply...beening on this site has helped me to understand my husband a lot better. We are both the type that doesn't like conflict so we get upset, don't discuss the problem and act like nothing happened. Been doing it that way for almost 28 years. Last week we actually discussed a situation... I told him something that bothered me...it ****ed him off and he told me why...then I explained why I felt that way and he said that he shouldn't have said anything because it hurt my feelings. I told he no that was why we were at this point to start with! When we finished I understood where he was coming from and he understood and it was much better than being agravted at each other ...


----------



## Jessie13 (Feb 26, 2012)

Entropy I haven't read that yet but several people have suggested it. I definately will have to read it! Love this man more than anything and will do whatever it takes to fix things...its much better than when I first posted. We have had the most open communication that we have ever had...still got a long way to go but it's a start! We have the main thing and that's that we love each other.


----------



## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Jessie13 said:


> Phantomfan thanks for your reply...beening on this site has helped me to understand my husband a lot better. We are both the type that doesn't like conflict so we get upset, don't discuss the problem and act like nothing happened. Been doing it that way for almost 28 years. Last week we actually discussed a situation... I told him something that bothered me...it ****ed him off and he told me why...then I explained why I felt that way and he said that he shouldn't have said anything because it hurt my feelings. I told he no that was why we were at this point to start with! When we finished I understood where he was coming from and he understood and it was much better than being agravted at each other ...


 From your first post I suspected you and your H were just not really talking it out. Good to see you started doing that.

I say this to lots of couples, if you're having sex with somebody then you should be able to discuss anything with them.

But it's amazing how many couples don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Jessie,

Pay special attention to Phantom's answer. Couple this with incresed communication and I think you'll get where you want to go.

Trying to think how I can work Phantom's words into a discussion at my house this weekend!


----------

