# Long-term relationship "on pause"



## tonyinatx (May 11, 2012)

My fiance and I have recently separated (a week ago). She told me that she needed time to work on herself, she's had this fierce urge to be independent that has been growing for months now. We have a child together (5) and she has two children from a previous marriage (14 and 10) that do not live with us. She is currently going through a custody battle with her ex that takes an emotional toll on her. 

She says most of the issues are her own, namely the fact that she first got with her ex at age 14 and when she realized their relationship was over after his infidelity began talking to me. Our serious relationship began immediately after (with overlap) her previous. So, her entire adult life has been in one relationship or another. She claims she needs that independent time that we all have at one point in our lives. 

Her asking me to move out has put much doubt about myself. I consider myself a good guy and a great father, but now I see the things that I did wrong. I didn't romance her, I didn't do enough around the house, I didn't do the things to make her feel safe and secure. The flame definitely went out of our relationship as it seemed that neither of us were really trying to pay attention to each other but instead manage family, finances and custody battle. 

We talked about marriage once her custody battle was over and I got hints then that she had doubts, but I did little to alleviate those doubts. In fact, we ended up doing what is possibly the worst thing possible at this point, which shames me immensely.

We are both very sexually adventurous and we decided to allow each other to have sex with other people. This worked ok at first but it quickly made me realize my own insecurities. I still do not have a problem with the fact that she had sex with other guys (it was actually very exciting) what I had a problem with is the fear that she would develop an emotional attachment with someone. I had sex with one woman during this time and didn't feel like I wanted to do it again. 

She says our open relationship hastened her decision to be apart from me but was not the reason for it. She says she would have made this decision eventually.

Now, we're apart and I'm devastated and angry. She says that she needs to "find herself" so she can find her way back to me. I believe it...she and I have been extremely affectionate every time we've been around each other. This Sunday is Mother's Day so we made plans to spend time with our child together, I moved out last Sunday so I told her that I'd like to see if I could go a whole week without seeing her. It looked like it hurt her and we ended up realizing that we couldn't go that long without seeing each other. We went on a lunch date (Thursday) and it was mostly good. The problem is, I ended up yelling at over over the phone that same day as I've been so angry and sad this week that I've spent alot of time crying or wanting to vent but not actually doing it. 

She agreed to do couples counseling, but there was a bit of reluctance. I did tell her that I didn't want to force the issue, but she said she was going to do it. 

Most of my anger lies with the fact that we had to tell our child about what was going on and hurt her in this process. I feel like she gave up on our family way too easily. I don't want her staying with me for the sake of our family if she's unhappy, but if she's unhappy and wants our family (which she says she does) then I feel that she could have done something other than this to get herself better.


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## tonyinatx (May 11, 2012)

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this because I can't tell any of my friends and family all the details (namely the open relationship part.) I don't want people judging me or her at this time and thats a tendency for most people. I realize now that it was the wrong thing to do and I'm so ashamed of it. 

I also didn't say earlier that when I have been romantic with her this week (I sent her an email in the middle of the night telling her specific things I was missing about her, and I wrote her a note before our lunch date and asked her not to read it till after our date)...she responded very well to both of those instances which encourages me to do more but I fear that I'm going to be overzealous at a time when she may not want it.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Okay, 
You have 2 separate issues here. First is the relationship itself and the other is the "open" relationship that you entered into. Here goes:

First, from what it seems, you were a rebound relationship for her. She was not over her ex and immediately entered into a relationship with you. In reality, these rarely last long term. It also sounds like your fiance is emotinally broken somehow (batsh!t crazy maybe?). As far as relationships go, you are either in or your out, there is no middle ground. When a woman want to "find herself" (or a man for that matter), they are not emotionally connected to you and that is code for they want to find someone else. 
Second, the open relationship part. She is having sex with men who likely have a higher sex rank than you do. She WILL become attracted to them and will want to emotionally connect with one. This is why open relationships seldom work out in the end. Besides, do you really want sloppy seconds? Really? 
Now for what to do. Let her go and do the 180 and read Athol kay's Married Man's Sex Life Primer and implement the MAP (male action plan). If things don't work out here then you will be ready for your next relationship.

Oh, and stop chasing her, that is so beta and unattractive.


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## tonyinatx (May 11, 2012)

Regarding the first issue: I wasn't her rebound relationship. While she was still with her ex, she had many other short-term relationships including very minor flings and one-night stands. They both agree that the relationship was over at least 2 years prior to me coming along but were still living together for financial purposes.

Regarding the "chasing her" part...I agree I don't want to become the "lovesick puppy" but each time I've done something overtly romantic, she's responded well, so it encourages me.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

If they were living together, the relationship was not over. You CANNOT live with someone and have no relationship with them. They HAD to interact daily and likely were still at some level romantically involved. You came along and were her esacpe from that situation. She could emotionally lean on you and you became her white knight in a time of need. And for you, you rescued a damsel in distress. This trigger the dopamine (new love) reaction. She WAS NOT over her ex if they were living together. She needed to be alone and work on herself in order to successfully bond with you. You were a rebound relationship.
Again, read No More Mr. Nice Guy and MMSL, they will open your eyes as to where you are. Also, I know it is encouraging to see your girl responding well when you chase her, but trust me, underneath it all she is losing respect for you. Read the books and swallow the red pill.


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## tonyinatx (May 11, 2012)

Thanks for your responses..I admit I read them and think that you're making decisions based off very little input so I should immediately discredit you...but maybe you're telling me a truth I don't want to face. 

I do have confidence issues, we've talked about it, she's even told me she wants me to become a more confident man. Perhaps if I do, I won't have this need to be with her anymore...but the issue is that we have a child together and our child would love nothing more than to see us resolve our issues and be together again.

I'm willing to do what it takes to get that done, even if it means facing awful truths such as "you lack confidence" or "you were a rebound relationship". 

So maybe she has realized that after her relationship wit her ex, she needed that alone time to work on herself but didn't do it and wants to do it now. She has given me no indication that she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She just says she cannot move forward with me until she takes care of whatever this feeling is she has inside of her. She says she wants to know what its like to live on her own and make her own decisions and wants to know what it's like to struggle to pay bills (I do all the financial stuff). 

She says it would be really really good to actually go on a date with me-an old fashioned date where I show up with flowers and take her for dinner/dancing or something.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Tony,
Obviously you know your situation and girl the best as you are on the ground and in that reality. I am just an observer on the outside and using the input you are giving to respond. All I can tell you is this (based on my opinion of what you have said):

1. You are in a rebound relationship as your girl never had the chance to grieve the loss of her ex and that relationship.
2. You are acting like a doormat and lack confidence. Your girl is staying out all night and doing who knows what with whom. Given that you were in an open relationship it was likely sex with other men. You recognize your confidence issues and are taking steps to fix it by reading the books that I have suggested. Hopefully you will put the advice into practice.
3. Relationships are binary, they are either a 1 or a 0, there is no middle ground. When someone wants to "find themselves", they are out. Think about it, if you and your girl are happy as a clam going through life she wouldn't need to "find herself". That is an excuse and those who use it are out of the relationship. It is escapism at its best. 
4. She enjoys romantic time with you. Use this to see if R is possible. You need to set some boundaries. The open relationship thing is done and over. She needs to accept monogamy or it's done. Let the past be the past and move on. No other guys or girls in the relationship, period. 
5. Your child will be okay if you break up. I too have a 5 year old daughter and she is just fine with her mom and I separated. It is not the ideal situation but we will all survive. Her mom visits her and she lives with me. There are the occasional I miss mommy moments but we get through them. Our daughter knows mommy and daddy are there for her and love her, end of story there. 

Read the sections of this forum in the men's clubhouse call the man up and nice guy references. It will help alot.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's pretty obvious the open relationship has let her hook up with other men and she has found a replacement for you.

Very bad move to agree to an open relationship, that's just another word for ending of whatever relationship you are in.

She's now rewriting the truth by telling you she would have left way. Sorry, I call bs on that. She's leaving because she no longer sees you as her mate, and why should she when she is free to cheat. It's only a matter if time until one parttner in any open relationship decides to ditch the other for someone they really want to be exclusive with.

I don't see her ever coming back, but I do strongly suggest she is the one to move out. She is the one ending things and upgrading to a new guy. Why should you be a doormat and make it easy for her to stab you in the back and ditch you. 

Tell her that she can be the one to leave, and your son stays with you at home, oh and find the OM and see if there is anything you can do to make his life unhappy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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