# My first time...



## ImInsideYourTV (Feb 10, 2018)

Aside from my sad attempt at humor this morning. I am in fact posting in a forum such as this for the first time. I have no idea what I'm searching for. Maybe just an outlet. I know I'm not alone in my struggles. And my heart breaks for each and every person in a situation such as mine. I'm sure through discussion and passing of time all the little details will emerge. It's so hard to pull all necessary information together on command. While I'm at it, I'm pretty sure I'm not the best judgement of which information is necessary or not. Anyway.... A little about this hell I call my exsistence.

I'm a 33 year old mother of one. My first husband and I married very young and gave it a valiant try, off and on for 13 years. He is my 12 year old's father. We parted ways for good last February or March.

Prior to us finally disolving our train wreck, I found myself in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple I've known most of my life. It was amazing! I've never felt so loved on so many levels!

I remarried a year ago in April. I married my best friend. He knew pretty much everything there was to know about me. Including my status in the poly relationship I was in. He gave me a place to stay and told me that we would never have to be any more than friends. I could continue to live my life as I wish. I fought very hard to keep feelings out of it. Of course looking back now, I'm almost sure I was desperate to be over the man I spent my entire adult life with.

He and I met two years prior and dated a short time. He was hilarious and charismatic. He was also very broken, something I recognized instantly. He has a child from a previous relationship as well, same age as mine. I won't take this moment to go into every detail. But he became controlling and possessive. Has even gotten physical with me a few times. We have good days, and a whole lot of bad. Mostly we can't stand to be near each other. Have absolutely nothing to say. I broke down and sent my child to live with his biological father a few months ago. This man threatening to beat my child's ass was the last straw. My baby is safe away from here. God I miss that happy smiling face that reminds me so much of the other biological!!!! But until I can make my way out of this hell, I have to make do with phone calls and short visits.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

So I'm a bit confused. You married a "friend" you were not romantically involved with for a free place to live? Please correct me if I have this wrong.


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## ImInsideYourTV (Feb 10, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> So I'm a bit confused. You married a "friend" you were not romantically involved with for a free place to live? Please correct me if I have this wrong.


No, that's not quite how it happened. I had so much I was trying to get out at once. I'm even worse when I actually talk instead of typing. 

We were friends when he offered me a place to stay. Had offered it to me a dozen times before I actually took him up on it. Told me relationship or no , I'd always have a place to go. For the record though, I owned a camper at this time that I had on a lake lot where I was living on my own. We quickly became lovers and I fell for him. (Probably should add that he's had deeper feelings for me far longer) He made me feel like a godess and showed me constantly that he loved me for me.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

So how long have you been with him then? Are you still polyamorous? If you don't have any kids with him, why not just file for divorce?


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## ImInsideYourTV (Feb 10, 2018)

Rhubarb said:


> So how long have you been with him then? Are you still polyamorous? If you don't have any kids with him, why not just file for divorce?


I do miss my poly relationship. It was by far the most freeing and healthy relationship I've ever been in. 

Leaving is easier said than done. Aside from trips to the bathroom or a shower, he is on top of my constantly. I'm not allowed to leave alone. Hell he is the worst sleeper ever and wakes at my slightest movement or change in breathing.


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Next time you're in the bathroom, lock the door and call the police. Tell them you need an escort off the property to a woman shelter because your husband is holding you hostage. Which he is, if he's not allowing you to come and go. Do you work? You could always drive to a shelter after your shift ends. Sounds like you really need to get out of that relationship.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

ImInsideYourTV said:


> I do miss my poly relationship. It was by far the most freeing and healthy relationship I've ever been in.
> 
> Leaving is easier said than done. Aside from trips to the bathroom or a shower, he is on top of my constantly. I'm not allowed to leave alone. Hell he is the worst sleeper ever and wakes at my slightest movement or change in breathing.


You mean he actually physically restrains you? You know you can call the police. You do have access to a phone don't you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hun whoever you are no one has the right to put their hands on you. You are worth so much more then that, but you have to stand up for yourself and leave. It's important for you, for your kids and for society. We all need to protect the innocent. If you saw a man beating a dog would you call the cops on him? How much more so when a man hits a human. You are that human. 

Think about your poor son, he had to move away from his mother because she can't break away from a guy who hits her. Think about how painful that must be for him. Please really think about what you are accepting in your life and the life of your family.

I think if you really think about the very basic part of your relationship trouble stems from the fact that you don't feel worthy of better. You have put yourself down so far that you are wiling to choose from a very low pool of people. You need to fix this. Go get some counseling to do just that. Just because someone has good qualities that make you feel good, like makes you laugh doesn't mean they are a good choice as a partner. A good man wants to protect his wife or girlfriend. Would never hit his wife. Would run into a burning building for his wife. You need to work on this so you can raise the bar so to speak. 

I mean really think about what you wrote here, you call him your best friend and he won't even let you leave the house? Just objectively speaking not thinking this sentence is you, if I told you that what would you say about that person, would you say that is my best friend? You need to re-read what you wrote here and pretend it's not you. This is where you are.

What was your relationship with your father like?

Go to a shelter right now. Change your life. Only you can do that. You deserve better!

I know it is hard but be brave. That doesn't mean not be scared it means be scared the whole time but do it anyway. Have courage for your son and yourself. Post here and we will encourage you. You can do this. Have the courage to get the life you deserve.


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