# What Is Romantic Love?



## Mer-Maid (Nov 23, 2013)

This subject perplexes me - is romantic love just a combination of affection plus attraction or is it something extra, something more special than the sum of those parts?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

14 Truths about Romantic True Love | World of Psychology

The science of love

Relationships | Psychology Today

Don't know how reliable this one is, but it looked like it might give you some fun, if nothing else:
LOVE (Psychology)---The Romantic Love Test---180 questions---by James Leonard Park


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

It's a combinations of MANY things. Not just limited to 2 or 3.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

Its a lot of different things. Can't really be explained if you don't feel it yourself.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Taken from my thread.. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html

This is how a Romantic person feels towards their beloved... I've read a ton on Romance...what pulls us to each other, that magnetic something that sets us on high... when I found this it captured how I feel to the core...and I know my H feels the same ... so it's pretty sweet.. I really don't think I could be with a man who felt this was stupid or too much... he would annoy me to a high degree! 



> Being Romantic means being sensitive, affectionate, and spritually-inclined.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> Don't know how reliable this one is, but it looked like it might give you some fun, if nothing else:
> LOVE (Psychology)---The Romantic Love Test---180 questions---by James Leonard Park


I was looking at this test -where you keep tract of your Yes's....I stopped at about 60 out of 180.... I only had like 2 Yes's.. this Test is designed to see if ONE is using ROMANCE to cloud realistic expectations, judgement and basically rending the person with a "ROMANCE"ADDICTION"...also called Love addiction.....which is very unhealthy & sets one up for moving from Hurt to hurt in relationships.. and what they are seeking the most eludes them...

Another shorter Questionnaire can be found here... with just a handful of Yes's to qualify...  It's All About Love : Romance Addiction Questionnaire

In one of my Books.. it goes on to explain the DIFFERENCE between "*Infatuation*" vs a Love tested by Time & shared experiences while the Romance is still ever present.. not clouded by distortion...Relationship Experts say if a couple gets past the 1st 20 months and is still feeling "in love"...they have beat the odds...

This article on Soul mates.. lays out that difference very nicely....







...Soulmates: Myth or Reality? ...









I really enjoyed this article....

Brain Study Reveals Secrets of Staying Madly in Love 



> *The Characteristics of Intense Romantic Love*
> 
> Intense romantic love typifies symptoms (common to being newly in love) including:
> 
> ...


The article talks about ..Sexual frequency.... closeness & Union.... Attachment..... Feeling safe & Secure.... Friendship-Based Love vs. Romantic Love....Long-Term Romantic Love vs. Early-Stage Love...and ends with :



> >> "From this study, we have learned that the neural activity of individuals in intense romantic long-term love share remarkable similarities to the neural activity of individuals newly in love. (Interesting.) We have learned that romantic love can be sustained in long-term relationships. (Phew, that's a relief !) And that intense, passionate long-term love is a dopamine-rich activity maintained by sustained rewards. (Come again?)
> 
> Okay. The key to understanding how to sustain long-term romantic love is to understand it a bit scientifically. Our brains view long-term passionate love as a goal-directed behavior to attain rewards. Rewards can include the reduction of anxiety and stress, feelings of security, a state of calmness, and a union with another. In long-term relationships, when we reference the self, we slowly incorporate our partner into our notion of our self. As we move from early-stage love to long-term love, our bond attachment grows. And when we perform actions that make our partner happy, we enhance and maintain the relationship by working towards our goal of sustaining the rewards aforementioned.
> 
> While we might be a way off before having an Idiot's Guide For Staying Madly In Love, at least we are one step closer. And, hey, just knowing that it's scientifically possible to stay intensely, madly, passionately in love year after year...after year...is pretty damn promising!"


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I really feel Romantic Love has taken a huge hit in our society today...

From reading countless stories here on TAM.... one thing I have heard over & over & over again... is .. "at one time I used to FEEL THAT WAY, wanting to ride off in the sunset with this one special person -for LIFE.... then he or she betrayed me.. I grew up and don't believe in Fairy tales anymore" (or something to this effect)...it's like some vow to never allow their







to go that deep again..with another - they've learned their lesson. 

Almost like a right of passage to find full maturity...to lay down those romantic notions..this is real life, after all....

And I think to myself..."Hey wait a minute.. I don't feel that way...is there something wrong with me? "... I am still enthusiastic about Romantic Love... it inspires me...and I still very much call myself a Realist... I can be rather pessimistic at times....I would never call myself an Idealist...which some feel all Romantics are... rather pipe dreamish.

Romance, for me... was never about getting flowers, or Jewelry ....I even told H yrs ago to not waste his $$ on flowers, he's never given me any!... it's always just been a feeling in the air.... being able to express that in a moment...when it's bubbling over.....knowing you brighten his world as much as HE brightens yours...it breathes enthusiasm in all corners of our lives...and when separated...it's still there... alive in us, it colors our world vibrantly...with hope.....it has the power to get us through the harder times... because we have each other....

It's also about "*Gratitude*"...we recognize what we have and what we bring to each other...









Music has always had the ability to capture this like nothing else. 

No matter what I've been through in my life, my H was right there... he had my back.. to cheer me on, with a ...I guess I blame him for keeping the romance alive in Me! 



> *Seven ideas to create a romantic atmosphere*
> 
> Need any help creating an atmosphere that promotes romance? Choose one of the ideas below and do it right away. Don’t tell your spouse which one you picked—yet. Begin to implement your choice, then come back in a week or so and talk about any changes you’ve noticed in your relationship:
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I like that list a lot, SA.

I know dh can be romantic, because it has happened a few times. . So it is possible.

Gosh, I am feeling sad right now. He is in Europe for two weeks. And Skype is not really the same.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Great reading SA!

I still feel those intense romantic feeling for my hubby ...even after close to 28 yrs. 

HA! Can I add...not always...we have our down days like any couple... when he's wrong about something 

I love lots of people...but my romantic love... I hold and tend that in a special place in heart...JUST for hubby.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That is so sweet, waiwera. 

I am waiting up one more hour to call dh. He should be up by then.

Usually I am okay with his absences, but I have actually been crying tonight. I miss him, but I wonder if peri is involved, too. Sometimes I will just start crying, and that is somewhat unusual for me. Hormones . . . and loneliness.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

waiwera said:


> *Great reading SA!
> 
> I still feel those intense romantic feeling for my hubby ...even after close to 28 yrs.
> 
> ...


Oh every couple has days like THAT...it's not like a little conflict is going to snuff all of this passion we feel when it's good and flowing... did you see my newer Conflict thread..it speaks of 4 types... and a ratio....your ratio is obviously :smthumbup:.. and this is why your Romantic feelings remain alive towards your husband..and his towards you (or it would cause you some sadness)... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

Hey, nice to see a post by You Waiwera...it's been a while !! ..hopefully you just missed us all here.. and not cause H is causing some grief at the moment !



jld said:


> I like that list a lot, SA.
> 
> *I know dh can be romantic, because it has happened a few times. . So it is possible.*
> 
> Gosh, I am feeling sad right now. He is in Europe for two weeks. And Skype is not really the same.


Just a FEW times jld.... Goodness gracious.. and you hang fine and devoted in between those few times.. in the last 20 + years....what a treasure of a wife he found in you! 



> I am waiting up one more hour to call dh. He should be up by then.
> 
> Usually I am okay with his absences, but I have actually been crying tonight. I miss him, but I wonder if peri is involved, too. *Sometimes I will just start crying, and that is somewhat unusual for me. Hormones . . . and loneliness*.


 Peri.. Yep, our hormones RUN a little WILD ...could be all over the map......I never had pms -or felt I did until mid life.... I became a sex fiend over night.... I was crying at Hallmark commercials...

I can't say he minded me coming after him to hog tie him so I could give him a BJ ....but this height of sensitivity came along with those raging hormones... but that's just my crazy experience..then they started to temper down after about 8 months..

Make that call... get connected, hearing his voice should help a little before you go to sleep!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thank you, SA. I appreciate the sensitivity.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I was looking at this test -where you keep tract of your Yes's....I stopped at about 60 out of 180.... I only had like 2 Yes's.. this Test is designed to see if ONE is using ROMANCE to cloud realistic expectations, judgement and basically rending the person with a "ROMANCE"ADDICTION"...also called Love addiction.....which is very unhealthy & sets one up for moving from Hurt to hurt in relationships.. and what they are seeking the most eludes them...
> 
> Another shorter Questionnaire can be found here... with just a handful of Yes's to qualify...  It's All About Love : Romance Addiction Questionnaire
> 
> ...


Yeah, it was pretty messed up. Some weirdos like me, can find humor in it when we look at it. That's why I think I posted something about, maybe it could be fun. Glad you caught that and made it clearer.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Threetimesalady said:


> Romantic love is never losing that place where you found each other...Age may change the body, but the people who live in this place of passion know not age...Romantic love kind of defies death...When one dies the other kind of dies with them...That being their soul was taken and the shell remains...Kind of the meaning of he truly is the wind beneath my wings..
> 
> You see I live there...I am desperately and hopelessly in love for 56 years this November to a man who I gave my heart to in San Francisco...Oh, and Romantic Love never stops...Your heart sings and your eyes twinkle and God only knows how I love him and will cherish him until the day I die......


Very touching... .. I feel the hardest thing about this would be -when one is left behind....the emptiness would feel like a grand canyon...but to love fiercely while we are here, shouldn't we! 

One night In getting ready to lay my head to sleep... I looked into my H's eyes and said ... "You are  the wind beneath my wings  ... and he shot back ..."and you are  wonderful tonight .... we speak to each other in songs sometimes...

I have a book entitled The Good Marriage -how & why Love lasts...I think it was *jld* who suggested it to me in a pm if I am not mistaken...I looked it up on Amazon & bought it used.. why ...because I was curious how the author broke down the different types of marriages...and it had one called "The Romantic Marriage" -curious to read this particular chapter.... I must admit, this fit us to a T....and also I know we are "Traditional" too (never got to that chapter)....

He broke them down like this...



> *1.** The Romantic Marriage*: exciting, sensual memories of your first meeting radiate a glow over years.
> 
> *2.* *The Rescue Marriage* : the healing that follows early emotional trauma becomes the central theme.
> 
> ...


It spoke of the Romantic Marriages as about 15% of the happily married couples...After 20, 30 , even 40 yrs of marriage, they talked of mutual love and passion, excitement and ecstasy.. I have the book in front of me...it speaks of how much they understand each others needs...and fantasies...like a spiritual connection, these couples talk as though they were "meant to be"...and when they speak of hopes for their children..they may say something like this...."My wish for my children is that they feel the joy of loving someone that I've felt in our marriage"...

Here is to you & the Mr ThreetimesaLady







!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dredd said:


> Its a lot of different things. Can't really be explained if you don't feel it yourself.


Nailed it.

:iagree:


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm not really sure if I know myself. My only experience that that in the beginning of the relationship that led to my marriage, my wife said that she loved me. I'm now pretty convinced that was a lie. One of my goals is to try to experience romantic love one day.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Very touching... .. I feel the hardest thing about this would be -when one is left behind....the emptiness would feel like a grand canyon...but to love fiercely while we are here, shouldn't we!
> 
> One night In getting ready to lay my head to sleep... I looked into my H's eyes and said ... "You are  the wind beneath my wings  ... and he shot back ..."and you are  wonderful tonight .... we speak to each other in songs sometimes...
> 
> ...


Very good post. You have summed up what I aspire to.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> My only experience that that in the beginning of the relationship that led to my marriage, my wife said that she loved me. I'm now pretty convinced that was a lie.


Why do you think she lied to you?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Why do you think she lied to you?


I'm very glad that you asked because I've done so much thinking about this and would like to try dissecting it. I really don't think you could have a marriage as bad as ours was ...as is...without loving that person in the first place. I convinced myself I loved her because she said that she loved me. I didn't feel loved by her but convinced myself she must because she said so. My friends said that people express love differently and maybe she doesn't express love outwardly as much as most. I bought into that and wish I hadn't. I should have went with my gut and not believed her until I was more sure that she actually did. Maybe it's wasn't a lie but more an inaccuracy because she said it too fast without really meaning it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Feelings are pretty important, jb. If you were not feeling loved . . . you probably weren't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jb02157 said:


> I'm very glad that you asked because I've done so much thinking about this and would like to try dissecting it. I really don't think you could have a marriage as bad as ours was ...as is...without loving that person in the first place. I convinced myself I loved her because she said that she loved me. *I didn't feel loved by her but convinced myself she must because she said so. My friends said that people express love differently and maybe she doesn't express love outwardly as much as most. I bought into that and wish I hadn't. I should have went with my gut and not believed her until I was more sure that she actually did.* Maybe it's wasn't a lie but more an inaccuracy because she said it too fast without really meaning it.


They say a person has to love themselves before they can deeply love another... do you feel she loved herself ?? Or was she seeking another to fill some void ... 

Sorry for all you have went through.. I worry for our children, I care very much they marry wisely.. I have read far too much on this forum ...how people overlook the red flags...they down their feelings -feeling it will get better....only to have these things grow stronger after the vows...and it comes to bite mightily down the road...

Our 3rd son's 1st GF....I COULD TELL he was MORE into her than she was into him... I knew it wouldn't last, I didn't like how she treated him...(and I'm not being partial ) our 2nd son has the most devoted GF I have ever seen... she amazes me and I think If our son lets her go....he will come to learn how rare a find she is.

When there are checks in "our spirit" over someone...when you feel something just *isn't right*..... listen to it... Oh yes... uproot it... talk about it.. how important for our futures...

Too often others will try to just soothe us (our friends)...they may want to be encouraging.. instead of critical ...though sometimes this is not what we need..

I am of the belief, to be the best listener (as in your friends at the time)....if they had asked the RIGHT QUESTIONS, one may not have to give any advice at all.. with their prompting you on how you are feeling....you could have even talked yourself out of wanting to go forth with the relationship....had you opened up enough about it...someone probing you.. in this way, we may not have to give any advice at all !

How someone treats us, how they make us feel... this is what is lasting.... Words flow so easily from our lips...if only they were always true... it's like the words of Billy Joel's Honesty -You tube


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## justtryin (Apr 22, 2013)

SA -

I had a huge, rambling response written out regarding your posts here...but then I realized it could all be summed up much more succinctly...

You are AWESOME!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> They say a person has to love themselves before they can deeply love another... do you feel she loved herself ?? Or was she seeking another to fill some void ...
> 
> Sorry for all you have went through.. I worry for our children, I care very much they marry wisely.. I have read far too much on this forum ...how people overlook the red flags...they down their feelings -feeling it will get better....only to have these things grow stronger after the vows...and it comes to bite mightily down the road...
> 
> ...


You are so completely right...having someone "into you" is indeed very rare. I've never experienced it. It's also true that friends can sometimes function as soothsayers instead of giving you a real opinion. I think this is what probably happened. Thank you for help in exploring this...it's great to have your honest opinion.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

jld said:


> Feelings are pretty important, jb. If you were not feeling loved . . . you probably weren't.


I think you're right, but I chose to ignore it and sugar coat it. I wish I hadn't.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> I'm very glad that you asked because I've done so much thinking about this and would like to try dissecting it. I really don't think you could have a marriage as bad as ours was ...as is...without loving that person in the first place. I convinced myself I loved her because she said that she loved me. I didn't feel loved by her but convinced myself she must because she said so. My friends said that people express love differently and maybe she doesn't express love outwardly as much as most. I bought into that and wish I hadn't. I should have went with my gut and not believed her until I was more sure that she actually did. Maybe it's wasn't a lie but more an inaccuracy because she said it too fast without really meaning it.


Has her behavior been like this from the beginning of your marriage? Do you think she feels the same way about you or no?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

over20 said:


> Has her behavior been like this from the beginning of your marriage? Do you think she feels the same way about you or no?


It has been this way from the beginning and I think it's this way because there was really no love to start with.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

justtryin said:


> SA -
> 
> I had a huge, rambling response written out regarding your posts here...but then I realized it could all be summed up much more succinctly...
> 
> ...


I also think SA is awesome...terrific posts!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> It has been this way from the beginning and I think it's this way because there was really no love to start with.


What does she want to do? I mean does she see the marriage unfolding as well? If she is a SAHM that must be scary to her.

On another note are your receiving IC?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jb02157 said:


> I also think SA is awesome...terrific posts!


Thank you guys kindly ... and justtryin, for even considering writing up some huge rambling response- I'm flattered.. I was looking over your thread from 1 year ago... sounds you had an epiphany with your wife to revive *the romance* ...to make up for where you have hurt her....kudos to you .. I don't know how that played out for you, if your wife has opened up more so ....allowing those walls to slowly come down...as you were seeking so earnestly....

It goes a long long way -when one realizes they have missed it ....and missed it badly...and is determined to never allow themselves to go there again...opening up vulnerably to share these deep stirrings...

I, too, missed it in some ways with my H in the past.....when I opened up like that.... he became more vulnerable with ME...it was a "win/ win".

I can relate to the dopamine fury to set things straight.....and make up for things I overlooked, once taking for granted...









I was voted the Most Romantic twice here ... when they had these Mock "TAM awards" in the social section..it's been a while now ..... always have to throw my 2 cents in on these threads...


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Plus I vote you TAM Homecoming Queen SA...


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