# Please help - what should I do?



## lostinlife11 (Nov 7, 2012)

My husband and I have had our ups and downs our entire marriage with so many problems. To start off the first year, he loved porn, strip clubs, and was a workaholic. We both married too young. He was only 19 and I was 21. This pushed me away from him because I had no idea he wanted more than me in the bedroom. It actually hurt a lot. Through 15 years of our marriage, both of us had an affair. He had a sexual affair. Mine was more emotional. We have tried working things out and becoming closer. I do believe we are closer but there is still so much missing especially now knowing how it feels to be truly loved and wanted. Our sex life used to be nonexistent. He is a taker and a giver so I finally stopped giving. It's weird but making love makes me feel more loved. When this stopped, it's like we were roommates or only friends. There isn't kissing and sex is awkward because it lasts a minute and he's done. 
Long story short, I'm still not happy. The man I had the emotional affair with is still heavy on my heart. I don't see him because he's in another state but I'm very much in love with him. We had everything from communication to intimacy. It felt like nothing was missing. He'd marry me in a heartbeat because we had such a connection. I don't know how to get over him as hard as I try. It's not fair to my husband that I'm constantly thinking about the other man. I tried splitting up before, but our two kids cried, my husband became depressed and lost so much weight. I gave in and stayed. Plus, I felt so guilty for having the affair. If I was happy in the first place, then I know the affair wouldn't have ever started. Please help me in what to do. I'm needing honest advice because I've only talked to 2 of my family members. What my friends and family think means a great deal to me. Please help me figure out what to do.


----------



## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

You know what you need to do. 
Change affects everyone differently. Open up some form of communication: counselling, prayer, whatever. Then be honest and talk it out. 
He will regain the weight. The kids will bounce back. 
You are living a lie, a sham marriage. This will hurt the kids and him more than anything else down the road. 
Sometimes doing what is necessary is the hardest thing to do. Be supportive, arrange for hima nd the kids to attend counsellors and find a network of support to get you and them through it but the answer is...you know what to do.
And if you have found that love, and it weighs heavily now...think how you will feel if you never give that love a chance.
Sorry but it's time to change. A loveless marriage is just that...a loveless marriage. 
Life is too short.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suspect you are living in the effects of affair fog and its clouding your view of your husband.

You need to end the affair, and I mean give up the affair and decide and accept it is never going to be an option for you.

Your obviously holding onto it emotionally as a fall back option fr yourself.

Write a NC letter, show your husband the letter and mail it together as a start.

Then put your time and passion into your husband to build a new bond with him. A I mean 1 on 1 fun stuff. Tennis, hiking, biking, dancing. Just the two of you being together.


----------



## tonynw (Nov 7, 2012)

the children will be better off in the end if you both just face that your time has ran out. love sometimes isnt enough. i hope you work it out so you are both happy. dont live a life off pain if you aint 100% sure its right. it will work itself out. just take that big step and leave


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Be true to yourself - your husband and children will cope. You owe it to everyone to seek happiness. If in your heart you know you can't be happy in your marriage you will realize that only fear is stopping you from leaving. Have the courage to step out into the unknown and although it might be hard at times you will be surprised what you will find.
Also, if you leave your husband don't rush straight into the arms of the other man. Give yourself some space to build your strength and knowledge of yourself.


----------



## lostinlife11 (Nov 7, 2012)

LiamN said:


> Be true to yourself - your husband and children will cope. You owe it to everyone to seek happiness. If in your heart you know you can't be happy in your marriage you will realize that only fear is stopping you from leaving. Have the courage to step out into the unknown and although it might be hard at times you will be surprised what you will find.
> Also, if you leave your husband don't rush straight into the arms of the other man. Give yourself some space to build your strength and knowledge of yourself.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostinlife11 (Nov 7, 2012)

I'm reading to stay and then to go be happy. This is so hard to decide. If I decide to leave, it'll be a storm to go through to get to the happiness. If I stay, will I always wish I left and always be thinking about the man I'm in love with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

lostinlife11 said:


> I'm reading to stay and then to go be happy. This is so hard to decide. If I decide to leave, it'll be a storm to go through to get to the happiness. If I stay, will I always wish I left and always be thinking about the man I'm in love with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You always have to go through a "storm" to get to the happiness of living your own true life - but isn't it worth it? I can assure you without a shadow of a doubt that it is, and that usually the seemingly worst things that happen to us end up being our greatest blessings.
If you don't step into the unknown you will forever live with regret - something that you don't want to have. Be brave and follow your heart.
Does your heart tell you to leave? It sounds like it.....


----------



## lostinlife11 (Nov 7, 2012)

That's great advice. Thank you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

