# Tired of arguing and the flareups are stressful!



## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

STBX and I will argue once a week over how the divorce proceedings are progressing or who should be paying a bill or he wants me to say I will NOT go after his retirement earnings after 13 years of marriage.
I just want to tell him to stop arguing about stuff and LET the attorneys hammer out our settlement once we get our paperwork to them listing assets and liabilities and inventory list.
Once we see how much the retirement payments will be from each of our accounts then we can see if they are comparable and if we want to give up something else so each of us can leave the QDRO out of the final decree.
I try to just hide out upstairs in my room most of the time but miss using the big TV in the family room and my computer but would rather hide out then have him flare up and pressure me on stuff.
Any suggestions besides repeating over and over "talk to your attorney and leave me alone!"


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Buy a lock for your bedroom door! I'm serious. 

Good luck with everything and I hope you get your fair share! It sounds like he's going to screw you over, or at least try.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

My IC recently told me. If you feel Anger it is a Boundary issue. 

Lay the boundary and do not budge for any reason. If he wants to talk then he can talk at you. Listen like a sponge but do not respond indicating anything but neutral. Repeat calmly in a normal tone "we have lawyers for this" and by all means leave the room if you feel like you are repeatedly walking into a wall. 

It is far better to be observing a waterfall from behind than being caught up in the turbulence below. Trust me the high road and peaceful road for yourself will be a testament to personal growth but looking back you will not be disappointed at the way you conducted yourself through this very emotionally charged process.


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

Yes, he is trying to screw me over but I have an excellent attorney and I hope in the end he pays my attorney's fees since he got a FREE one through his job. He wanted to file and have my attorney merely review the documents and have me sign the final decree.
I told him NO and I hired my own putting the $3,500 retainer fee on my credit cards and she is protecting my interests all the way. I know I won't get everything we are trying for but at least she is in MY corner as HE handled 89% of the finances in the marriage and he knows I don't know about retirement accounts etc. and the equity in the house and other stuff. He was ticked off when I filed hours ahead of him and was the plaintiff and he had to respond to my petition. I told him if he would just let things happen then we could be FINAL in less than 3 months and then he quits paying all the bills and if we stay in the house for 2 more years then I will gladly pay my half with child support payments in place and we are no longer husband and wife but roommates until he decides to move out or he can stay to save money.


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## don'tmesswithtexas (Jul 18, 2013)

motherofone said:


> My IC recently told me. If you feel Anger it is a Boundary issue.
> 
> Lay the boundary and do not budge for any reason. If he wants to talk then he can talk at you. Listen like a sponge but do not respond indicating anything but neutral. Repeat calmly in a normal tone "we have lawyers for this" and by all means leave the room if you feel like you are repeatedly walking into a wall.
> 
> It is far better to be observing a waterfall from behind than being caught up in the turbulence below. Trust me the high road and peaceful road for yourself will be a testament to personal growth but looking back you will not be disappointed at the way you conducted yourself through this very emotionally charged process.


Wow, thank you for this as I am researching it on the 'Net right now and it is exactly what he is doing! He is usually pretty calm and collected but try to say that it is a marital asset that he thinks is HIS alone and he is just awful to deal with!


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

A book called the dance of anger may be a good read. It's an older book but really helped me see some of the communication struggles in my own life. 

The only other thing is the book doesn't apply if you are by chance dealing with someone with a Personality Disorder. 

Staying out of the fray will bring clarity.


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