# Is this what I should reasonably expect?



## Ten_year_hubby

My wife called a pastor at our church and he recommended a marriage counselor. She saw him a couple times individually then I saw him alone. Then we went to see him together.

For the entire hour we sit there while she attacks me personally with raging one-sided accusations, assertions and personal attacks. Occasionally the mc would step in and counsel her about too much use of words like "always" and "never". After an hour of this stuff, I was so blown apart that I couldn't go back to work.

Is this what I am supposed to expect from marriage counseling? My wife is verbally and emotionally abuse and I've been yelled at many times. Am I supposed to sign up for an hour of this?

Anyway, I went out and got my own therapist and I'm not inclined to go back to my wife's guy unless we agree to some ground rules regarding how the sessions are run


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## Blanca

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Anyway, I went out and got my own therapist and I'm not inclined to go back to my wife's guy unless we agree to some ground rules regarding how the sessions are run


Good for you. It sounds like your wife is really angry so I don't think you should go to marriage counseling until she mellows out a little. I've never been to marriage counseling, just individual, but I don't think that session was helpful for anyone.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Unfortunately, my wife had the bad fortune of being raised by an alcoholic father and a mom whose father was also an alcoholic. Strong anger is never far away. She can rage on forever if that's what it takes to get what she wants. Maybe her counselor doesn't get that


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## 827Aug

I had a similar experience with a marriage counselor. My husband was cheating, lying, and draining our business dry. Also, by the time we went to marriage counseling my husband was already living elsewhere. My husband announced on the first day of counseling that he was only there for an amicable divorce. Furthermore, he lied to the therapist about big things.

Anyway, my husband basically bashed me at each session. I finally told the therapist I would accept some of the blame and we would address all the little things he was bashing me for when he owned up to the BIG things he was doing. My husband was cheating--I had solid proof. Yet, the counselor said I had to trust my husband when he denied it......that I wasn't to badger him once he said he wasn't cheating. Next, my husband was taking $20 to $30K out of the business monthly. It was to the point we couldn't pay the bills. Yet, the counselor would not tell him the spending had to stop. Nope, instead they both worked on me during the sessions. The marriage counselor in essence assisted my husband in destroying what little self-esteem I had left.

After a month and a half of that, I found an individual counselor to help me recover from the damages. My self-esteem was shattered. My individual counselor was in disbelief at what the marriage counselor had done. It sounds like this is what is happening in your sessions as well. If so, sessions like that will do more harm than good.


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## Ten_year_hubby

I can only suppose that the guy thinks this is OK but I can't figure out why that would be. Maybe I'm supposed to be tough enough to take anything. That may indeed be the case but I'm not looking to volunteer for it. Maybe I'm too sensitive. After 10 years of verbal emotional abuse my tolerance may be too low. But I still don't think it is productive to hurt me. There are ways that grievances can be expressed objectively without personal attack. I thought that was one of the reasons for counseling, but I don't know what to think about what we have done in the two sessions I attended except that I think it made things worse and it definitely alienated me.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bs193

I would suggest voicing your concerns to your counselor and see what his/her response is. I would directly ask what the benefits are to letting her tear into you and how it is making you feel. No session should be a "free for all". The counselor should always have some level of control or direction during the session, and If he/she can't explain the "method to their madness" in detail, then they aren't qualified to be doing therapy.....and keep in mind there are MANY counselors out there with the education, but not the knowledge for this line of work.

I would also ask the counselor for their credentials. This means more than the letters after their names. Where did they go to graduate school, what was their degree in, and how many years have they been practicing, specifically with married couples?

Keep in mind your pastor may have referred you to this person based on them having a similar faith or beliefs, and not because they were experienced.


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## Ten_year_hubby

bs193 said:


> I would suggest voicing your concerns to your counselor and see what his/her response is. I would directly ask what the benefits are to letting her tear into you and how it is making you feel. No session should be a "free for all". The counselor should always have some level of control or direction during the session, and If he/she can't explain the "method to their madness" in detail, then they aren't qualified to be doing therapy.....and keep in mind there are MANY counselors out there with the education, but not the knowledge for this line of work.
> 
> I would also ask the counselor for their credentials. This means more than the letters after their names. Where did they go to graduate school, what was their degree in, and how many years have they been practicing, specifically with married couples?
> 
> Keep in mind your pastor may have referred you to this person based on them having a similar faith or beliefs, and not because they were experienced.


For better or for worse, engaging and considering after the fact is just not my style. I make up mind based on the facts at hand and act decisively. The counselor had control and let this go on, obviously it was OK for him and not OK for me. 

I wasn't going to bring it up credentials except to say that my new guy has a doctorate in clinical psych from a big local university. Since I know the level of effort and commitment needed to get this kind of degree at this kind of institution, I have a great deal of respect for his accomplishments although I have some reservations about his trying to explain our conflict through birth order.


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## jayde

Ten Year - any update to this thread? I am about to re-enter MC and looking for advice. In the first 4 months or so, I wouldn't get bashed all ata once, but each time I thought we made progress, there was some other big issue about me waiting to pounce. It got to be my sucker punch of the week session . . .and boy! was it fun. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## Ten_year_hubby

I think the counseling community is biased toward women. The woman's story is believed and the man's is questioned. The woman's feelings are deemed important and the man's feelings are ignored. Very often, the act of taking offense is considered proof of guilt.

I think the key here is to insist on "fair fighting" and politely take exception whenever this is not enforced. Since my last posting, I have had experiences in counseling that were astounding but it's difficult to credit the counselor with much more than not screwing things up more in spite of themselves. That said, we all work together as a team and everyone's effort is valuable.


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## 827Aug

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I think the counseling community is biased toward women. The woman's story is believed and the man's is questioned. The woman's feelings are deemed important and the man's feelings are ignored. Very often, the act of taking offense is considered proof of guilt.


Definitely not the case in my sessions with a male therapist. I'm still dealing with some of the problems he caused.


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## jayde

Ten Year . . .the 'fair fighting' comment is interesting. I think one of the problems was that my wife had seen the therapist for IC before we did MC. And she continued to see him as IC during MC. I learned later, that in the therapy community, this is generally seen as a bad thing to happen. And from my expereince, the therapist (a man) was in her corner (or maybe I am paranoid). Every once in awhile he would comment on some of her behaviors, but generally, it was me who was the a$$hole. The last session, he blatantly interrupted my while I was talking (which also is a KEY theme in my marriage communication - the wife is always interrupting me).


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## Ten_year_hubby

I had the same thing but even after I got my own counselor, when we went to him together, he let her call me names, dictate outrageous conditions and completely ignored my feelings. 

My wife's guy was so bought into her bs that he was advising her to move out. That wasn't enough for her so she went ahead and filed for divorce. But I have to admit he was able to connect with her and even gently get her to almost admit culpability for one of her destructive rages which is something she had never done before, to my knowledge. For my part, I ignored his advice, agreed to things I had no intention to follow through on and blatantly manipulated both of them for my singular purpose, which is to put my marriage back together.


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## jayde

10Year - this is alarming to me. My wife has also talked about separation (me moving out - which isn't happening) and most recently mentioned her moving out (which she said is not the best idea - which I guess is sort of marginally better). A couple months ago when I asked about her IC (with the same guy doing our MC) she snapped back about me being concerned that he is 'poisoning my mind.' WHOA! I thought - I never mentioned anything like that.

It really makes me think what's happening in that pretty little head. (She's probably thinking what the hell's happening in my thick skull too!)

Well, I guess it just might be a rough ride all around!


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## Ten_year_hubby

At yesterday's session we started with more of the same: me being held to a more restrictive set of rules and treated in a less respectful manner than my wife. Apparently, I'm supposed to just suck up whatever and make everything right while at the same time I'm being bashed viciously and relentlessly for any and every misunderstanding or mistake. Enough of that.

After going to almost ridiculous lengths to be heard, I got their attention and spoke on my behalf. I think they got my point. This resulted in my being labeled again as "very sensitive" to which my wife responded "and I'm not". My jaw dropped to the floor. Not sensitive to me is what i think she meant to say but she looked at me and said "you think I'm sensitive?" and I couldn't answer. I mean, why exactly are we here in the first place? Of course everyone is sensitive to being hurt and being treated disrespectfully and being ignored and ... , she as well as me, but when I speak up on my own behalf then I'm "very sensitive". Well so be it. My point is that even with a friendly male counselor, a man has to go to extraordinary lengths just to set reasonable ground rules for any kind of equitable treatment in marital counseling. I'm sure it's even worse in family court


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## Wildflower3

I would consider trying an Imago or EFT therapist. Getting attacked for an hour doesn't really allow for much progress. We did Imago and it got us off to a great start, but we are switching to EFT short term and going back to our Imago therapist once we are done.


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## Kurosity

Wow you are paying for this? I mean why are you paying to be bashed for an hour? You need to find someone else this MC does not sound to be doing you a service it sounds like a disservice. 

I would tell him that you will not be coming anymore or paying for it if progress is not made because you can be yelled at for free. What you came to him for was to work things out not to be indulgent to your wifes emotional need to bash you bitterly for an hour. (granted I am sure at some point she needs to vent but it does not sound like venting)

I would make all your points to him while your wife is not in the room....call him......see him once alone. I think that it would be easier for you to stick up for your self and purpose of seeing this MC if you do so express your self free of your wife because it sounds like she is real good at getting distracted from the point. (emotions can do that)

I feel terrible for you and your wife because it sounds like this MC is not doing either of you a favior. She is not getting great treatment in this either even though it sounds one sided he is doing nothing for her.


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## DTO

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I wasn't going to bring it up credentials except to say that my new guy has a doctorate in clinical psych from a big local university. Since I know the level of effort and commitment needed to get this kind of degree at this kind of institution, I have a great deal of respect for his accomplishments although I have some reservations about his trying to explain our conflict through birth order.


First of all, the fact that this guy has M.A. or PhD after his name means only that he is expert in the book knowledge and an accomplished researcher. It says nothing about his ability to function in a clinical setting.

Now, I'm sure your state has some minimum requirements (testing and supervised practical experience) for licensure as a clinical practicioner, but you have to investigate to know what those standards are. Here in CA licensed therapists need 3000 hours of experience in a variety of topics, so someone could declare himself in business as a marriage counselor with only a few months experience in that field.


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