# First Ever ED Episode



## Deedsman (Aug 2, 2014)

Hopefully our esteemed audience here can help me with my dilemma. I really don't know what to do or where to turn.

In the last several months, I have begin to notice small things which caused me some suspicion with my wife.

A week ago last Monday, I had the opportunity to open her cell phone and read her text messages without her knowledge. This may be a prime example perhaps of not asking for information when you don't really want it. Before I am lambasted for invading her private space, we both had discussed this privacy issue in the past and agreed that those who hide their cell phones from spouses already are cheating.

I found where she has been sending and receiving text messages from her ex-husband (a decade plus since their divorce). This in itself is not problematic, as they as well as I and my ex-wife try to have a cordial relationship. Small, trivial issues often are addressed back and forth between the parties via text messages. However, I did find where they had met for dinner twice without my knowledge. Also, where he later invited her to go to the beach for the weekend. Sadly, she gave him an (false) excuse about having to work during the time and not that she was married now. The invitation was left open for a future date, of which she acknowledged. I do not believe this weekend has occurred because she has not had an absence of a long enough time since the message.

But the most distressing message of all was the one she received on her birthday week before last. In it, he expressed his happy birthday wishes and told her that he loved her very very much. Her reply was a thank you and I love you in return.

As difficult as it was to accomplish, I then decided to simply sit on this information and wait to see what may transpire later. 

Here's for the sexual part: I've attempted to have sex with her twice since this discovery. Both times have been less than satisfactory, with the first attempt my first ever serious encounter with ED. I simply cannot get past having read my wife saying I love you to another man.

Day before yesterday, the confrontation did occur however. Something was said and she had detected already my emotional distress. This was just before my leaving for several days on business. We argued about this for about 10 minutes before she refused to discuss it any further.

Here's my questions to the readers:

1. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill in this issue? Of course, in her defense she says this is the case. I asked her what her reaction would be should she find out I had met my ex without my knowledge twice for dinner. No reply. And on the beach trip, she said that she only didn't tell him what she should to keep from hurting his feelings. I call BS on this.

2. On the ED issue, is this going to be a long-term thing typically to deal with if we do stay together? I'm sure there are those here who have experienced this. I'd like to know what to expect. We had a semi satisfactory sex life previously, and I want it to work. As most here, frequency issues. My wanting it and she not. She has always told me that I was the best she had ever had. I can't imagine why she's going back to the ex (if she is) from what she told me about their physical relationship in the past.

Thanks again for reading and for any replies. I'll be back home Friday p.m. , and need to know where to turn and what direction. 

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and appreciate the help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What is your age?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Deedsman said:


> Here's my questions to the readers:
> 
> 1. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill in this issue? Of course, in her defense she says this is the case. I asked her what her reaction would be should she find out I had met my ex without my knowledge twice for dinner. *No reply.* And on the beach trip, she said that she only didn't tell him what she should to keep from hurting his feelings. I call BS on this.


The "no reply" was the reply. She wouldn't like it but she couldn't admit it. I agree her answer about the beech trip was BS. No, you aren't making a mountain out of a mole hill. 

However, I'd like to offer an theory that may or may not help you put this in perspective. Is it possible that the communication between them is your wife's way of working out the issues that had been present in that marriage? Not sure what that's worth to you but I'd suggest you not paint this as a clear betrayal, though it certainly is close enough that you feel emotionally betrayed.





> 2. On the ED issue, is this going to be a long-term thing typically to deal with if we do stay together? I'm sure there are those here who have experienced this. I'd like to know what to expect. We had a semi satisfactory sex life previously, and I want it to work. As most here, frequency issues. My wanting it and she not. She has always told me that I was the best she had ever had. I can't imagine why she's going back to the ex (if she is) from what she told me about their physical relationship in the past.
> 
> Thanks again for reading and for any replies. I'll be back home Friday p.m. , and need to know where to turn and what direction.
> 
> ...


The fact that you're worried the ED might be a long term thing is exactly what will make it a long term thing. ED is strongly linked with emotional distress and often it is the emotional distress of having episodic ED that creates chronic ED. This is why Viagara/ Cialis are so helpful because they will allow your body to over ride the worry and once you feel confident that your body will over ride the worry with or without the meds your ED will clear up.

You feel emotionally betrayed. Your best help will be found in the Coping with infidelity sub section of this forum.


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## Deedsman (Aug 2, 2014)

Late 50's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I disagree.

Yes, your wife is being unfaithful.
One doesn't tell their ex they love them, entertain the idea of beach weekends with them, and have private conversations like that.

The ED I agree with. I have never, ever had any problems getting it up. After I started dating after separating from my ex because she was cheating and she wanted a divorce to pursue other, richer men, I was so emotionally disturbed I had problems. I think if things get back right with your wife, there will be no further problems with ED. That's been my result, anyway.

You are absolutely correct in that your wife is having an emotional and perhaps physical affair with her ex. I think they've already met in person and screwed, or he wouldn't have the balls to ask her to go to the beach for a weekend.

You searched her phone because you sensed something was wrong. It is.
Take action.

Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I'm just late 30's, but after my wife had a questionable dealing with another guy...I experienced my first ever bout of ED and PE issues. Once we fixed our relationship, the issues went away. And this all occurred right in the midst of me feeling that I had hit a new prime and felt like a teen again...I could go all damn day and minimal to no refrac, then WHAM out of nowhere the ED. It sucks the manhood from you.

So yeah, it's probably just mental for you. Once your relationship heals, your ED should.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I can't speak to whether or not your wife is being unfaithful or not. But I can say at the least she is not being honest with you, herself and/or her ex. She has been divorced for over 10 years and never mentioned in passing to her ex that she was getting married to you? or that she is married to you? Something is wrong with the "not wanting to hurt his feelings" line.
You said you sensed something, aside from the text messages, what else did you sense?

In regards to ED, I agree with Evinrude and the others that it is probably a situational issue and not a long term problem. Like Evinrude, I experienced a great deal of emotional trauma. Post divorce I had real issues getting it up for another woman, as over the years my sexual desire and satisfaction came from being the woman I had loved. The physical pleasure of it was very secondary. Now almost 2 years post divorce I am finally beginning to overcome this naturally. I know it is not a physical thing, because I could wake up with morning wood everyday, yet when it came to acting on it I whithered due to the emotion of it.
Right now it seems you have a situation to deal with. The ED is secondary to the other problem. I am willing to bet if you solve that, your ED goes with it.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

She's being deceptive, she at least in an EA with her exhusband and on the way to a physical affair.

You're anxious about it for good reason, and it's affecting your libido.

If I was you I wouldn't sit on anything, put it right out there and tell her if she so much as sends him a vowel over a text then you'll divorce her on the spot.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The ED isn't an issue, the fact that your wife is cheating on you is the problem.

Sometimes your little head needs to get your big head's attention because it knows where it doesn't want to go.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

marduk said:


> Sometimes your little head needs to get your big head's attention because it knows where it doesn't want to go.


LOL! Great line! ...and true


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

KJ_Simmons said:


> Once we fixed our relationship,.


KJ, glad you fixed your relationship and the gym issue. You had us worried there for while.

Sorry to threadjack.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Deedsman said:


> Late 50's.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your pecker is like a canary in a coal mine. It smells gas (danger) and is keeling over. This is actually a good thing.

Your pecker will work once your relationship issues are fixed. You might need a viagra or similar to jump start it again, but it is all in your head.

Like @marduk says, that is not your problem. 

You know the drill. You have been here for a while. Your wife is thinking about the past. From your other thread, so have you - old GF that likes to be banged hard in morning. You miss that. Your wife misses something too. Maybe an emotional connection.

You are not happy with the sex life. You need to dig into why. 

You both need to figure out what you each need but doing nothing will IMO head one of your to divorce.

I suggest you start a new thread in CWI. You won't get as much of the answer you need in this forum.

BTW, I have pecker issues too due to infidelity situation. Still have morning wood. It works, but not with whom I need it to work with. Lots of us out there. 

Your pecker works, your marriage is not working or at least has stalled. You need to jump start the latter before you worry about the former.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> KJ, glad you fixed your relationship and the gym issue. You had us worried there for while.
> 
> Sorry to threadjack.


Blueinbr...thanks for checking in. I think we've moved past that issue pretty well. We still have our ups and downs though, our marriage is still a work in progress. That I will willingly deal with. Hopefully never another gym/other guy situation again though.


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## Deedsman (Aug 2, 2014)

Wow, thank you all for your input and thoughts. Lots of confirmation here that I guess I just wanted more than anything.

One clarification I'd like to add is that I understand perfectly why the ED episodes have happened now. The canary in a coal mine analogy is perfect. On the first time, just before I attempted penetration, the picture of his scrawny worthless a** popped into my head and wondered has he been there before me recently. Now there's enough to kill anybody's erection. 

If truly anything is going on with them, it's because he is the bad boy, wise-ass mechanic type and I am the professional type. I really thought she had left that phase of her life behind, but now I wonder. 

Someone commented asking if he knew she and I were married. Absolutely, he knows. We only live about 10 miles apart in a small town, where everyone knows everyone's business. I've met him several times, and know the sleaseball garage that he works in. I'm sure he doesn't give a flip that she is married to me now. Just another piece of a** I'm sure is his goal. Getting back in her pants again after she tossed him out years ago for his cheating.


My main ED concern was if these are a long-term occurrence after an event such as this. 

And as most of you commented, the real issue here is her at least emotional affair, if not physical. This will all be coming to a head Friday night when I get home. 

I think the insights that have been said as far as bring this to a head right now and draw a line in the sand is exactly the tact that needs to be taken.

Again, thanks for the opinions and thoughts. Any further replies or comments are certainly welcome. I'm still reading if there's more to be said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Good luck. Post again on Saturday.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Deedsman said:


> My main ED concern was if these are a long-term occurrence after an event such as this.


With all due respects Deedsman, your main concern is your performance issues with your wife, when the real priority here is whether or not her exhusband is performing on her. 

To use one of my favorite and overused expressions, it's like a cabin steward on the Titanic saying "Do you think these deck chairs look better on this side or that one?"


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Deedsman said:


> And on the beach trip, she said that she only didn't tell him what she should to keep from hurting his feelings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


so she hurt your feelings instead. she has forgotten who is the most important person in her life. she is talking to/protecting the feelings of an ex when she should be doing this for you.

do not downplay this. and i'd call the ex and explain to him that she's married TO YOU now and to cut the sh!t immediately. has he remarried? if so, explain things to his wife, too.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Here's what I would do.

I'd book an MC appointment for the two of you stat. And when there, say "I can't have sex with you any more because of what you did with ****head mechanic *********. I'm not sure I ever will be able to again. I'm not sure I ever should again. Why should I?"

And that would be a great start to a conversation you two need to have.


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## Deedsman (Aug 2, 2014)

Mclane said:


> With all due respects Deedsman, your main concern is your performance issues with your wife, when the real priority here is whether or not her exhusband is performing on her.
> 
> To use one of my favorite and overused expressions, it's like a cabin steward on the Titanic saying "Do you think these deck chairs look better on this side or that one?"


Maybe I should have rewritten the sentence differently to emphasize the "ED" part. 

I'm terrified I'm losing her...and the ED will follow this episode forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Deedsman said:


> I'm terrified I'm losing her...and the ED will follow this episode forever.


You really don't want to be using the words ED and Forever in the same sentence. Those types of things will get in your head and stay there.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Deedsman said:


> Maybe I should have rewritten the sentence differently to emphasize the "ED" part.
> 
> I'm terrified I'm losing her...and the ED will follow this episode forever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Terrified of losing her?? !!!
I know that feeling well.

I don't know how to get you over it, but let me tell you the truth: that feeling you're having is deadlier to your marriage than cheating on your wife. You may have this feeling, but you damn well better act the opposite. You need to act like you don't care if she lives or dies, and explain to her that this stops today or YOU are divorcing HER.

I beg you, do not chase her and beg for affection or reassurance. If you do this, she will absolutely run for the OM.

She's the one that's cheating. She should be pleading with you. Begging YOU for affection. 

My advice: as bad as it's going to hurt, tell her the communication stops today or you are out the door. Act like you mean it. Stick to it. Leave if you have to; or better yet, ask her to leave. 
And if she does, NEVER show her that you give a damn.

If you do this, she may respect you enough to come back and still love you. If you do not,I promise you that you will be divorced, and your wife will be repulsed by the sight of you.

You've got to show her she's married to a man. Be that man. Don't tolerate bulls**t like your wife is pulling.
If you do what your emotions make you want to do, and beg and cry and plead, you will be divorced like me.
The good thing: there's life after divorce. It's not something to fear. I did, I feared it terribly. But I decided to move forward instead of rotting in self pity. I'm happier, I have a fiancée that treats me like a king. She worries about ME and other women, even though there's no need for her worry. I don't worry at all about her, and she has a lot more men after her than women after me.

You are thinking what in asking you to do is too hard. No, it's just hard. You can do it. 

The ED is psychological and perfectly normal in your state of mind. You are majorly messed up in the head right now. The ED is nothing to worry about. Once you get your emotions under control, your penis will follow suit. If you don't get your emotions under control......
If you're in panic mode, consider some Zoloft. It helped me, and is non-habit forming as far as I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deedsman (Aug 2, 2014)

Well, looks like my second trip to divorce court is setting sail. 

The issue didn't wait until tonight for a face-to-face discussion, but erupted on the phone last night. 

In what could only be described as a bizarre display of twisted logic, I am the problem here. She said she absolutely refuses to continue living with a man who would dare invade her privacy by reading her phone. My reply was that her anger should not be directed at me but at herself. She created the situation that forced me to look. She stated that if I would have only asked, she would have been glad to let me read them. BS. She's pissed off because she got caught.

In my head, I know I did the right thing here and drawing a Line in the Sand and standing firm. Probably should have done this more often in our relationship, but believed in the thing about "if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

So she is supposedly gathering her things today to leave. I'll miss her, but that is better than lying beside of someone who I know is lying in the other sense of the word.

Thank you guys so much for the listen, thoughts, and encouragement. Even though may have been in the wrong forum, the two issues coinciding and the counsel you all provided was great on both.

Any other thoughts on where to go from here, if anywhere?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cheaters can't live in a world where they are the bad guy. So, they deflect all their shet at you, to make themselves feel better.
She's divorcing you because you invaded her privacy? Hell no! She's mad because she was caught, just like you said. She is not done yet. She will most surely start blaming you for all kinds of other problems. Thing is, it will majorly screw you up because there will be a ring of truth to a lot of it. Rest assured that you didn't make her call her ex, tell him how much she loves him, make dates with him, etc. But she will say it's just a symptom of your terrible marriage, not the problem.
Just be ready for that crap to hit you.

What to do? Just give her the divorce she wants, try to get a good lawyer, and learn to be happy without having to put up with rotten people. In a year or so, when you've healed enough, ask out some nice lady and don't get married again unless you can truly tell yourself that this next one is a person of good character. Preferably older than 45. Seems like 35- 45 is when they really go nuts. Unhappy, that is.
Sorry. Really sorry.
I admire how you're handling this. You know your weaknesses, don't let her blame you for stuff or amplify your faults so that YOU think it's all your fault. It's not.

Let her go. Accept it and be glad that the old fellow upstairs has better things in your future than her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Capster (Jun 10, 2014)

Trying to turn it around on you is typical of a wayward spouse.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She's calling your bluff. She thinks that her stand on invading her privacy as she leaves will cause you to back away from your accusations. That way she can manipulate you into a weaker position from which you two might patch things up. A slight of hand move, kind of like apologizing for something you did and promising to never do it again as long as they don't do something to provoke you into doing it again. 

Do not apologize for spying. Do not blame her for your spying. You made the choice to spy based on your gut instincts something was off. It turns out, you were right. Do not apologize nor blame others for your choices. 

Good luck this weekend. I hope you stand firm, civil and detached. Act as if you are completely unaffected by her leaving. Make plans with friends tonight. Do something out of the ordinary tomorrow. Stay active and stay busy.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Call some local divorce lawyers and schedule appointment for next week. Initial consultation should be free. Download a divorce petition and start filling it in. If she comes home to pack, make sure she doesn't take any of your prized personal possessions. I might think of locking them up or dropping them off at a buddy's house today.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Deedsman said:


> Well, looks like my second trip to divorce court is setting sail.
> 
> The issue didn't wait until tonight for a face-to-face discussion, but erupted on the phone last night.
> 
> ...


When she realizes that her DARVO tantrum didn't work and wants back into the marriage, don't let her. 

If she leaves, change the locks. Change the bank accounts. Call a lawyer. 

Ignore her phone calls and texts. In fact, block them. Send her one text with your lawyers name. 

And Google 'DARVO'. You'll need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ps. 

The freak out was likely to smokescreen more of her infidelity than you may ever know. 

And to try to reverse the situation so that you beg to have her back. She knows you were terrified of losing her. 

Show her that guy left town.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

marduk said:


> Ps.
> 
> The freak out was likely to smokescreen more of her infidelity than you may ever know.
> 
> ...


this was my thought as well.

this was a power play to scare you off from digging further.

you should make clear that she is the one who has violated your trust and that she needs to earn it back.

if she's not interested in doing that, then you have your answer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wish I could click "really like" on these last few posts. Absolutely listen, for your own good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I wish I could click "really like" on these last few posts. Absolutely listen, for your own good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Click, click for you.....CLIK, CLIK for the rest of us!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Deedsman said:


> Any other thoughts on where to go from here, if anywhere?


Yeah, to the courthouse to have her served divorce papers. Right now your wife's an entitled ho bag who has no respect for you. You need to slap her with divorce papers with the quickness to wake her foolish ass up and get her off her damn pedestal.

Show no weakness. Don't beg, cry or pled. It will drive her away fast. Only inner strength will save your relationship if there is anything left to save. She knows she fvcked up and is blame shifting this privacy bvllsh!t to rug sweep the real problem... HER being a lying cheat.

Do the 180, go Mr. Spock on her and file for divorce. If she still cares it'll be her groveling in snot and tears for forgiveness. If not, then she's checkout for good anyway and you should too. Go find a woman who has intergrity and morals worthy of your loyalty.

You DESERVE better....


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Deedsman, if you don't mind my saying so I think you are in the wrong forum. I recommend you request a moderator that this thread be moved from here over to Coping with Infidelity.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Your wife has shown:
He Loves me.
I texted I love him
I accepted dinner dates.
I'm worried about his feelings more than yours.

Yet, you are the bad guy because you snooped. No, this is a false equivocation, do not fall for it at all.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I wish I could click "really like" on these last few posts. Absolutely listen, for your own good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why can't you? You don't own a computer?


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