# Painful 8 months after 1 night stand



## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

So I have been lurking here for quite some time and my heart goes out to everyone who has been betrayed. I guess I'm writing this as I have no real support regarding this situation. I apologize if this is long.

I guess I didn't realize how bad my relationship was until the unthinkable happened... I have always had trust issues in my relationships. I always want to be different, but I ultimately end up pushing the other person away and testing them just like I did to my SO. To top it all off my SO has self esteem issues and insecurities (entire time dating saying "you're going to leave me for someone better" etc.) I decided to go back to school to get my Master's Degree and had to move away last August. My SO tried to transfer his jobs to the new city, but there were no open positions. I moved alone and TWO days after I left the unthinkable happened. 

My SO and I worked together before I moved. After I left, our coworkers decided to throw a going away party for another coworker and invited my SO. I talked to him that night and he told me he was going and he would call me when he got home. The next day I woke up to find on facebook that one of our coworkers changed her profile picture to one of her and my SO. This showed up in my newsfeed like 20 times. Something seemed off. When I talked to him that night he said this girl had given him a ride home. I asked him what was going on and he said "I don't know why she would put that as her display pic." I went to visit him two days later and came home to find "evidence" of cheating (a receipt in his car for condoms purchased to replace the condom he used with her). I immediately confronted him and went ballistic ( not my proudest moment but I slapped him and broke some of his things in our apartment). The next day he told me this story about how it was really his friend who had sex with her. I reluctantly believed it only because he had never lied to me before. He made me feel awful for how I acted and said "just because other guys would cheat on you doesn't mean I would." So after giving him space for a few days we were happier than ever, but this situation still bothered me a great deal.

Fast forward 3 weeks---he confessed to me that he was the one who actually had sex with this girl. He cried and begged and pleaded me not to leave him. He said he was so drunk and stupid that night.

Obviously I didn't let him blame this on alcohol and after several weeks away from him I told him I would consider a second chance after he 1. got an std test 2. didn't drink and 3. agreed to couple's counseling. He did all of these things and went above and beyond and moved here. He's listened to me talk about this for days on end and went to counseling (although not enthusiastically). We've spent a great deal discussing why this happened and our own underlying issues. There has been a real shift in our relationship--I can feel how much more confident in our relationship he is now and he is more open about his feelings, issues, etc. 

I know my situation is nothing compared to many of the stories I've read here. I know that this was in no way premeditated and it was only one time. (confirmed by her and other coworkers) 

The problem is that it has been 8 months since I found out and I'm still so angry. I'm angry that the happiest years of my life with him and in my former city have been robbed from me. I cannot even think of anything related to my former life without becoming upset and obsessive. I'm so angry at HER. I know he is ultimately to blame, but I found out later that she had a thing for him all along, she initiated it (confirmed by other people at the party--she was rubbing his back and he looked uncomfortable before he was completely drunk) and actively pursued him even though she worked with us both. I was always nice to her and she tried to seduce my SO the moment I left. WTF. What kind of horrible person does that? I've confronted her, I've written her letters... I'm still so angry. I'm angry at him for how much this has affected me--I had to withdrawal from half of my course load the first semester and now might lose my financial aid for next year b/c of it.

My individual counselor and couples counselor don't seem to understand. They say I have to stop asking him for details of what happened and just accept that he has told me the full truth. That's hard for me given my past and trust issues I have always had. Not to mention he lied about this and covered it up initially.

Because I knew this girl, I'm haunted by images of her. I see her face everywhere. I picture that incident everywhere. My life is like a mine field with triggers everywhere. 

Even though my SO has been remorseful and done everything I've demanded of him and we've discovered underlying issues in our relationship, I still can't seem to get past this. How do you know when you JUST CAN'T GET PAST IT?


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

awwww just marry him

and then the real fun can begin!:rofl:


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> awwww just marry him
> and then the real fun can begin


Sorry CB45, but that's a very strange comment 

Haunted, you are giving her too much power over your life, by thinking of her all the time. She is gone, why would you want still keep her in your life? Every time you think of her, you are making her more important than she should be. 

As for being upset with your husband lying, as I understand it most cheaters lie and cover up what they've done initially. You just have to take a step of faith and hope that he is being honest with you now. Is he doing all that he can to make you feel comfortable? i.e. being transparent, listening to you, hearing you? 

I've heard of people wearing a rubber band around their wrist and snapping it every time they think of the other person, to break the obsessive thoughts. Every time you think of her, replace that thought with a thought of a nice moment between your husband and yourself.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Probably the only mind her face pops up in is your's. Your guy was wrong, he made a terrible mistake and he's attoned to the extent that he can. In all honesty, if he had to be drunk to sleep with her, she must not have been much of an attraction, the sex was probably lousy, and he probably doesn't recall 10 seconds of it. I understand it plagues you but I bet she's far more significant to you than she ever was to him. Unless he gets frequent reminders, he probably won't remember her name in short order. If you want to dump the guy, he's earned it and nobody can blame you, but I think you're imagining that this woman holds some special significance and I doubt she does (in his mind, anyway). He's a young, insecure 
guy afraid of abandonment, he was drunk, she was female and throwing herself at him. She could have been a gorilla and the evening would have ended with similar results. That she rushed to post the pic on her FB makes me wonder if the whole event wasn't a deliberately spiteful move on her part to make you squirm or maybe she just doesn't believe in loyalty or friendship. Either way, she isn't in your league and it'd be great if you could delete her from your memory bank because she hasn't earned the right to be there.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Thanks Squiffy and Unbelievable: That has helped a little with my issues of the OM. Cheers.
And wish you good progress Haunted


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

cb45 said:


> awwww just marry him
> 
> and then the real fun can begin!:rofl:



I know it's not funny, but I laughed out loud at this... 

Sadly we were actually talking about getting married this year before all this bs happened


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

Squiffy said:


> Sorry CB45, but that's a very strange comment
> 
> Haunted, you are giving her too much power over your life, by thinking of her all the time. She is gone, why would you want still keep her in your life? Every time you think of her, you are making her more important than she should be.
> 
> ...



Squiffy,

Thanks for the advice. I know thinking about this girl isn't helping me at all. It would have been so much easier, I mean I think I really would have been mostly over it by not, if this was just some random girl that I didn't know. I'll definitely try your suggestions.

I guess the problem is this: now I constantly wonder if he has told me everything. I think "well if it happened then, maybe other incidents happened before this that I just didn't find out about." He has done a lot of things--counseling, listening to me, letting me see his phone, etc. He also told me a great deal of details and confessed to details on his own that I never would have known about. There is no record of him having her phone number or ever calling her before this happened, but he confessed that his friend gave her his phone number a few days later when she was trying to convince them to go to some party with her and she asked him if it was the correct number and he confirmed it. He said she only texted him to give him the # but he did not respond. His calling record confirms this. In the past he agreed to give me his text message records from around the time this happened and several months before so I could be sure. (its a hassle b/c sprint doesn't list these in the phone bill so you have to call and release them/have them sent out) But when this was brought up in counseling, I was made to feel like the bad guy who "keeps punishing him." Our counselor said I need to just let that go, so I forgot about it for a while. Now I want the text records. 

One other concern is this: when I was hysterical and confronted him, I slapped him and said a lot of really awful things ("you're disgusting" "you just lost the best thing you ever had" etc etc) and then asked him if she was the first girl. He said "probably not." Afterward when he was claiming his friend did this he explained that he only said that to hurt me since I had slapped in in front of people and said all those horrible things. Now I constantly wonder if there really were other incidents. But at the same time he said PROBABLY and not a definite YES THERE WERE OTHER GIRLS. Also I have thought that if he confessed to this out of guilt (b/c he could have gotten away with it if he had never confessed) then if he had done this before wouldn't he feel guilty enough to confess to other incidents? Or if there were other incidents that he never confessed why would he confess to this? I just don't know what to think.... Is this even plausible? Sorry this is long again, but does anyone have any input on this?


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Probably the only mind her face pops up in is your's. Your guy was wrong, he made a terrible mistake and he's attoned to the extent that he can. In all honesty, if he had to be drunk to sleep with her, she must not have been much of an attraction, the sex was probably lousy, and he probably doesn't recall 10 seconds of it. I understand it plagues you but I bet she's far more significant to you than she ever was to him. Unless he gets frequent reminders, he probably won't remember her name in short order. If you want to dump the guy, he's earned it and nobody can blame you, but I think you're imagining that this woman holds some special significance and I doubt she does (in his mind, anyway). He's a young, insecure
> guy afraid of abandonment, he was drunk, she was female and throwing herself at him. She could have been a gorilla and the evening would have ended with similar results. That she rushed to post the pic on her FB makes me wonder if the whole event wasn't a deliberately spiteful move on her part to make you squirm or maybe she just doesn't believe in loyalty or friendship. Either way, she isn't in your league and it'd be great if you could delete her from your memory bank because she hasn't earned the right to be there.


Thanks for that! I know she isn't significant to him in any way. I know he doesn't think about her and I shouldn't either. I agree that I'm giving her power over me. But what he did was significant to me. It was significant in that it jeopardized our whole relationship. I know that the situational factors and weaknesses in our relationship contributed to this, but it still bothers me that he had the choice every step of the way and that night he chose her over me. From what he tells me (which I always question) he only started to consider having sex with her when they were in the car on the way home because she kept touching him. Obviously he made the choice not to stop her and not to put up clear boundaries. He made the choice to invite her into our apartment and have sex with her. Yeah it was impulsive and not planned out but he always could have stopped it.

You are so right about her. It was deliberate. She was rubbing his back at the party and my friend told me my SO had a really uncomfortable look on his face at that time. When I confronted her she even told me herself that as she was doing all this, even while she was in my apartment, she didn't even think about me, which shows that is exactly what she wanted all along. I know if I was about to have sex with an acquaintance's boyfriend I would be wondering WTF was going on with their relationship. (not that I would ever be the OW) She also told other mutual acquaintances about this knowing they would tell me, posted that FB picture, and then continued to pursue him after this happened. I ultimately blame him, but god what a desperate, selfish, and pathetic person.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I can see where your anger, pain, and insecurity is coming from now. Previously, I chalked this up to a ONS, but this caught my eye:



Haunted said:


> But at the same time he said PROBABLY and not a definite YES THERE WERE OTHER GIRLS.


You are not able to move on and heal because you simply don't know now if there have been other girls, and if this was the only time he banged this OW. You want to forgive, but you need to know what you are forgiving, am I right? If you are in the US and you can afford it, then polygraph him. I'm sure you have been reading quite a bit here and know about the lies of trickle truth. This may have been merely a ONS and there are no other women, or you have stumbled on to the tip of the iceberg. 

Make the appointment for the polygraph. If he passes, then you can begin to move forward toward healing. His reaction to you asking for a polygraph will speak volumes.


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I can see where your anger, pain, and insecurity is coming from now. Previously, I chalked this up to a ONS, but this caught my eye:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have considered a polygraph, but I don't think its feasible for our situation. Firstly because of the cost and it doesn't even seem worth the cost since we aren't even married. I am about 95% sure it only happened between him and that girl once. I am also about 90% sure there were not ongoing "flings"--there were no instances of him being shady, no text messages from girls, pics, phone calls, etc. But my concern and worry is that he had other random one night stands. There were maybe two or 3 times before we lived together where he went out with his friends and got drunk. But there was nothing after these nights out that made me suspicious. But I keep thinking its possible right? One thing is that I found the evidence and was suspicious of this within two days of this incident happening. He didn't even hide it very well. It's almost like he wanted me to find the evidence so he could confess-- he told me she drove him home, he left the receipt in his car in plain sight, left the used condom in the trash, encouraged me to visit our former coworkers (the girl told some of them he did it) etc. So I'm torn b/c some things indicate this was the only time, but in the back of my mind I wonder if he ever had other drunken one night stands.

Also if I brought up the polygraph I don't think it would go over well. It has been 8 months since this happened. At my counselor's advise, I didn't even bring anything about this incident up for about 3 months (never mentioned it once even though it was killing me). So we have long periods of time where he thinks everything is ok and I'm moving forward, and then I'll ask start asking more questions. He answers them but gets frustrated that he has already answered the same questions over and over. Because hes already insecure, he feels like I'm never going to get over this and that I'm going to keep punishing him forever. I think the polygraph would be kind of extreme. He agreed to give me text records from January 2010-August 2010. If I find nothing in these records should I just drop it?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If you find the polygraph to be extreme, then I don't know what to tell you. Looks like you seem pretty sure thats all there was. If thats the case, then drop it and move on. You seem to have all the answers. Good luck with that.


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> If you find the polygraph to be extreme, then I don't know what to tell you. Looks like you seem pretty sure thats all there was. If thats the case, then drop it and move on. You seem to have all the answers. Good luck with that.


Lordmayhem,

I wouldn't be asking for advise on this forum if I had all the answers. I didn't mean to come off that way. What I meant before is that I'm sure there were no ongoing relationships or anything like that. I just wonder whether he had other drunk slips on his nights out with friends. I just wanted others' input on whether there is a way to be sure that he has told me everything without a polygraph. I really do appreciate everyone taking time to read my posts and commenting, so sorry if I came off like a know it all.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There might be ways, but I don't know if you want to do them since you aren't married. If you thought a polygraph is extreme, then the other methods might not appeal to you either. But how much is your peace of mind worth to you?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

One of my concerns is that this is bothering you and you're not allowed to discuss the ONS. 

I know eventually I'll stop bringing up my H's affair, but not until I'm healed and have more trust in him. Part of him regaining my trust is being allowed to talk about the past and him being open and forthcoming. My H did confess to something that happened 10 years ago in addition to his affair and although painful, in the long run it helped. I feel more confident that he's no longer hiding anything. I'm not 100% sure, but I tend to believe now trusting 100% is living the fantasy. 

Part of this is going by what your gut feels. It doesn't seem like you can let it go, so something must feel a little off. Right now it sounds like you doubt your SO's honesty about his past more than I doubt my H's and that's saying something. All I can say is that I felt a dramatic shift from when I was getting the trickle truth to full disclosure. Sure he may be still holding things back, but I don't feel it in my gut. Before he revealed more of his secrets, I could feel I didn't have the whole story. 

I hope this makes sense, but it seems you have a feeling that there's more to the story. If that's the case, keep digging. Until that feeling goes away, you will not be able to let it go. Also, if he's still hiding something, it will make him weak to doing it again. People holding secrets have no problem holding more. Once someone has revealed all their secrets, they usually don't want to start keeping them again. A clear conscience feels better.


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

Saffron said:


> One of my concerns is that this is bothering you and you're not allowed to discuss the ONS.
> 
> I know eventually I'll stop bringing up my H's affair, but not until I'm healed and have more trust in him. Part of him regaining my trust is being allowed to talk about the past and him being open and forthcoming. My H did confess to something that happened 10 years ago in addition to his affair and although painful, in the long run it helped. I feel more confident that he's no longer hiding anything. I'm not 100% sure, but I tend to believe now trusting 100% is living the fantasy.
> 
> ...


Saffron,

I'm really glad you could make such progress with your H. I agree that trusting 100% is a fantasy. Luckily I haven't really had much trickle truth--within a month of moving here, all of the details came out and he hasn't changed his story or confessed to any additional info (and I've grilled him for more details multiple times).

My problem is that I have never trusted guys. I always think worst case scenario, even in the beginning of a relationship. So I don't know how much of my doubt is from my trust issues and how much is from him or feeling something is off. The only thing that doesn't sit right is his response to my question after I initially confronted him.

You made a good about about holding more secrets and a clear conscience.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I would make it clear to your SO (and you probably already have) that now is the time to clear his conscience. If there's anything in the past, even just a random kiss, confess now. Make sure he realizes that any lying or cover-up at this point in time is just as much of a betrayal as having sex with someone. My H knows if I find out in a few years that he kept something else from me, if I'm not getting full disclosure now, that it would be the equivalent to another betrayal in my mind.

I'll use the gossip headlines as an example. Let's say Arnold confessed his infidelity to Maria 10 years ago. Before she forgave him, she demanded "Is there anything else?" He said no and begged and pleaded and said she had the whole truth. Years later she finds out the affair produced a child. It's the ongoing lie that would make her leave, not the affair. Being betrayed and then still lied to is like layering betrayal on top of betrayal.

By the way, I'm pretty confident Maria knew nothing about the affair, so my above example is just hypothetical. There's no way the housekeeper would've stayed in their employ if Maria knew she slept with Arnold. Justy sayin'. 

Good luck and hopefully counseling will help!


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