# Advice on Dating?



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Hello all, I am relatively new to TAM and this is my first post in the LAD section. I have a question for you all, but I'll give you a little background info first. My divorce was finalized a few months ago, but due to financial circumstances we are forced to live in the same house. While I am not in any position emotionally or otherwise to start dating, a friend of mine was talking to me about starting. I hadn't really thought much of this before, but after she asked I started to think about it. Herein lies my problem, I am in my early 40's and was previously with my exh since I was barely 18. We met through mutual friends and hung out in group situations. We never actually had a one on one date, and to this day I have never had a date.

My husband over the years was emotionally abusive, and physically abusive a few times, more subtle like pushing me over with his foot while I was tying my shoes. He would put anything and anyone ahead of me. I am trying to be strong with my life and for me and my kids. However, to be brutally honest I am left with a low self esteem, add this to the fact I am totally clueless about the dating scene and I'm afraid I'll turtle and avoid it all together. I was hoping that some of you may be able to offer some advice that could help me feel a little more comfortable putting myself out there when the time comes.

Many thanks in advance.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

When you're coming out of an abusive relationship, the most important thing is to work on yourself so that you don't repeat the pattern. Are you in counseling? Or some kind of support group? Your local women's shelter can be a great resource for this. Honestly, I wouldn't even worry about dating until you've worked through some of what led you to your ex and kept you there.

Then, go with what you know. Join social groups--dinner clubs, movie groups, whatever kinds of interests you have that involve both sexes. Meetup.org is a good place to find groups in your area that get together about everything from astrology to zoo tours. Do the group activity thing and expand your social circle-- men and women. Then you can think about one-on-one dating, plus you'll have a circle of potential dates, or friends that can set you up with their friends so that it's not so much a roll of the dice.

But mostly, work on you and building a life that you want to live before you worry about bringing somebody else into it...


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

When I was younger, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and understand how difficult it is to get away from that and get it out of your head. I agree with the poster above. I also found that going out in groups was helpful. Hanging out with a best friend and not pushing anything. Just slowly start meeting people and putting yourself out there.

Congrats on getting out of the relationship!


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> When I was younger, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and understand how difficult it is to get away from that and get it out of your head. I agree with the poster above. I also found that going out in groups was helpful. Hanging out with a best friend and not pushing anything. Just slowly start meeting people and putting yourself out there.
> 
> Congrats on getting out of the relationship!


Ku with all due respect I suspect your current marriage is abusive as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Ty for all the great advice. It definitely gives me a few ideas that I will use when the time comes. COGypsy I have been in counseling for the better part of a year, just stopped this summer. It's still a struggle sometimes, but I think when I'm finally out of this house things will start to settle and I can begin healing.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

COGypsy said:


> Honestly, I wouldn't even worry about dating until you've worked through some of what led you to your ex and kept you there.
> 
> Then, go with what you know. Join social groups--dinner clubs, movie groups, whatever kinds of interests you have that involve both sexes. Meetup.org is a good place to find groups in your area that get together about everything from astrology to zoo tours. Do the group activity thing and expand your social circle-- men and women. Then you can think about one-on-one dating, plus you'll have a circle of potential dates, or friends that can set you up with their friends so that it's not so much a roll of the dice.
> 
> But mostly, work on you and building a life that you want to live before you worry about bringing somebody else into it...


:iagree:

You haven't even separated physically and you have kids. You don't say how old they are but I assume you are still raising them. Plus, you have some serious emotional issues. IMO you shouldn't even be thinking of dating. Give to yourself and your kids first. I feel strongly that you should be officially divorced (and living separately) for at least a year before you go and date. 

In the meantime, why not invest your time in some fun activities and hobbies where you can meet some nice people and socialize? I'm very positivie on the Meetup groups. I've met some really nice people and made friends through Meetup and the nice thing about it is you can pick an activity and find a Meetup that corresponds with it. So if basketweaving is your thing then chances are you can find a basketweaving Meetup. There are even Meetups for newly divorcees! 

I've joined social meetups that have dinner dates and see live bands, ones that are into kayaking, skiing, hiking, etc, etc. Definitely a great resource that you should avail yourself of. Go and have some fun for yourself and with your kids before you think about sharing your life with another person.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You haven't even separated physically and you have kids. You don't say how old they are but I assume you are still raising them. Plus, you have some serious emotional issues. IMO you shouldn't even be thinking of dating. Give to yourself and your kids first. I feel strongly that you should be officially divorced (and living separately) for at least a year before you go and date.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with waiting a year before even thinking of dating and I have no intentions of rushing into anything. I only asked about advice bc I was starting to get a little overwhelmed with just the thought of it. It's just going to be me and my kids for awhile, exh is way too unstable to be stable for them.

TBH skydiving is more my thing, I have full intentions on becoming qualified for solo jumps and to get my scuba diving cert by next summer. Things I never got a chance to do while married bc I was always taking care of the kids while my exh did his sports thing. In some sad way I'm kind of looking forward to being single.....scared to death but a little excited all the same. 

At least now I have some good solid tips to use in the future when the time is right. Ty all for your responses.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Don't let anyone tell you when you are ready. You will know when the time is right. If you are not sure, then it's not time.

That's great that you are going to focus on your interests. I bet you will have a great time and it's another way to meet more people. And I have to agree with the other posters comments about meetup. It is a great place to get started.


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## katy929 (Oct 27, 2011)

I really needed to read this post..lol. I am taking a year off from dating to basically tend to my own needs..well my year is up next month and I am terrified. I am like that kid that sees freddy kruger in her closet at night and screams bloody murder. Yea, that pretty much sums up how I feel about dating..haha. My year is up next month and I am think I need another 6 months..lol


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

So take another year off. What's the rush? So you can get hooked up with another jerk?


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