# Left her for another and feel guilty



## needsyourhelp (Nov 30, 2011)

This is my first and probably last post on this forum. I'm going to be as detailed as possible, because I want the best possible answers.

I was engaged in 2010. At the beginning of 2011 I realized that I was in my mid-20's, set to be married in the fall, and still living a life of mediocrity. I set forth on a path of weight loss and trying to actively climb the ladder at my job. I was successful. I lost 40 pounds, and started getting subtle nudges at work. My fiancee sat idle though this.

My fiancee was/is a fantastic woman. She is a hard worker, an excellent house keeper, giving to a fault, and spent 99% of her time looking out for me and my happiness. I knew that then and I know it now. This is not something I took for granted.

I was never a big fan of indiscriminate sex. My first partner was my first girlfriend, my second partner was my third girlfriend, and my fiancee (my 5th girlfriend) was my third partner. The problem is, is because I was so picky about the conditions under which I would have sex (I had to be in a relationship with the girl for at least 2 months) that my "parts" preferred masturbation. I faked every orgasm with each of my 3 partners. I never told them this. I didn't want them to think it was their fault. I did the damage. I was a horny teenager with strict sex rules. I did what I had to do for relief, to the point of spoiling myself. I get it.

The trick is, by the time my fiancee and I had been together for 2 years, I was so sick of non-orgasmic sex that I lost all interest in having it. Combined with the fact that this girl was so great to me that I almost felt guilty thinking of her in that way. So, I let another year pass and decided that I was crazy not to put a ring on her finger since she was so great to me.

The real kicker was when I got laid off from my job. We were living together by this point. She insisted that I draw unemployment until I found a job I wanted. She also made sure she picked up the financial slack by working overtime. I appreciated this so much because I remembered my father being in laid off when I was younger, and all my mom could do was badger him about not working (he was only unemployed for 5 weeks).

So, we were engaged. And it was great. She was so happy, and I so was I. This brings me back to her sitting idle while I was trying to lose weight and better myself at work. As the wedding date drew closer and closer, I started examining things I didn't like about her. She was incredibly motivated to do things like keep a clean house and pick up extra hours while I was on the shelf. But she had no motivation to BETTER herself. I couldn't stand her family. I'm the call-before-you-come type. They didn't care. They'd show up anyway. Some of them lived in very filthy dwellings, where I wouldn't want my kids to be (if I could even have any). And they had a fit the one time my job offered me a chance to move out of state for more money. And then there was also the fact that I didn't want to have sex with her.

I kept telling myself the problems would work themselves out after we were married, but I knew I was wrong. She was madly in love with me, as I was her. But I knew, eventually, we would both decide we were miserable. I was a coward. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't break it off.

One night we were out with some friends, and a friend of mine introduced me to some people I didn't know that had tagged along with him. A pair of eyes grabbed me and swept me off my feet. This had only happened to me once, but nothing ever came of it. For weeks all I could think about was this girl. That's when I knew for a fact I could never marry my fiancee.

One night the new girl and I realized there was a connection. But she told me that she wasn't willing to act on it since I was engaged. I told her I respected that, and that I wasn't a cheater, so I felt the same way. I also told her about the things that had been going on in my head for the past few weeks. I told her that I knew I wasn't marrying my fiancee the first time I saw her eyes. She asked me if I was saying I was going to leave my fiancee for her. I told her no, that I was going to leave my fiancee because I'm not the kind of guy who marries someone, all the while knowing that I have eyes for other women.

Fast forward, I broke it off with my fiancee. It was rough. Very hard on her. She stayed in my house for about a month afterward, I wanted her to have time to plan her next move. I also started a relationship with the new girl during this time. Wow. It was amazing. I loved her family, and I was finally having orgasms during intercourse. She lives with me now.

All that brings us here. My ex was my best friend. I miss her. But I don't want her back. I don't know if the new girl will be the girl I'm going to marry, but I'm okay with that. The new girl helped me realize two things: I didn't need to marry my fiancee, and I am capable of having normal sex.

I'm happy. My ex is happy. She has a new guy. He recently moved in with her. Our mutual friends say she seems happy, as she does when I talk to her. This is a rare situation where everybody won, because, although it may have been for the wrong reasons, I did the right thing. I never want to be with my ex again, I want to make that clear.

But I can't shake this feeling of guilt that I have every time I think of her. That's what I'm here for. How do I shake the guilt? It's been nearly 10 months. I miss my friend, not my fiancee. I know I did the right thing. But her eyes the day I broke up with her - they still haunt me. This girl was planning her life around me, spending her money and time on me. And I threw it all back in her face. I'm so sorry for what I did, why I did it. I've told her that. We are both happy now. But I still feel so guilty every day. How do I make it stop? When does it start getting better? Please help. Thank you.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like your girlfriend was not giving enough to herself. That is not healthy. It is also not healthy to marry someone out of guilt or obligation.

I think it will just take time. You don't owe anything to anyone except yourself. You may have learned guilt as a means to control you from your parents. I'm not sure. Maybe you aren't accustomed to doing things for yourself and finally you did, which is why you were able to start having normal sex.

Don't waste your time. You honored your feelings and that is GOOD.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It would have been worse to go forward and marry this woman, only to cheat and/or break her heart down the road. Yes, breakups are hard but now you both have a chance for happiness. You did the right thing. Nobody likes to be dumped and of course she had a hard time with it. But you shouldn't feel guilty for being honest about your feelings.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How did they not know you were faking it?  

But I agree that the best thing to do all around is to be alone for awhile so you can figure things out.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

You sound like a good person and you hurt someone else so you feel bad. Are you feeling guilty because even though you did not cheat you moved on very quickly? You said within the month you had broken up, and while she was still living there, you went out with the other girl. 

I hope even if you do not end up with this current girl you can have the emotional and physical connection with someone else that makes you want to orgasm. Best of luck to you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

You have to forgive yourself. It just takes time....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You may be confused about what constitutes right and wrong.

For instance the concept of the lesser of two evils. Sometimes you have to do difficult things that are painful but in the end are the lesser of two evils for the greater good. 

You could have married her thereby honoring your promise that you felt duty bound to do, even though you did not love her. You may have mistaken this for a good choice. You would have deprived her and yourself true happiness, therefore it is far from good. 

What you did was break your promise that allowed you both to go on to happy relationships. You considered this a bad choice because you broke your promise. 

However, you did it for the greater good. You were actually duty bound to retract your offer of marriage because you stood in the way of true love for her. 

Engagement is a commitment to test the relationship to be certain that it is sound enough to withstand the rigors of marriage. 

Based on the circumstances, you made the moral and right decision. One day you may want to talk with her and tell her how you feel and ask her to reassure you that she realized you did the right think. 

That may help. Let you SO know what you are doing if you decide in the affirmative. Think about it.


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## needsyourhelp (Nov 30, 2011)

that_girl: It's much easier than you'd think. It's probably happened to you before and you didn't know it - and I don't mean that as an insult to your appearance or your sexual prowess. I've done some extensive reading online. A lot of guys have this problem, and even more guys just don't want to admit the rare occasion they're not in the mood.

misticly: I think the speed with which I moved on is a factor, for sure.

To everyone else: Thank you all. I was really afraid of being crucified for my actions. It's good to see that so many of you - especially of the female persuasion, think I did the right thing.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You may be confused about what constitutes right and wrong.
> 
> For instance the concept of the lesser of two evils. Sometimes you have to do difficult things that are painful but in the end are the lesser of two evils for the greater good.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
You did the right thing by breaking it off before starting something with the other woman even if it was shortly after the breakup. Would have been worse to stay in the relationship and cheat.

But seriously I want to know how you faked it too? I have been with my husband for 12 years and i just don't see how you could have faked it without one of the women knowing. If you don't want to share your secret here for all to know pllleeease pm me cause its just gunna drive me crazy trying to figure it out. Like in my mind I'm picturing you slapping some mayonnaise on one of them while screaming "ohhhh"


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Don't count me as one who will condone your cheating and give you the validation that you crave to assuage your guilt. And yes, you were having an emotional affair, it just hadn't gone PA until you were with your OW. You tried to minimize it well. I highlighted the relevant portions of your post where you tried to minimize it.



needsyourhelp said:


> One night we were out with some friends, and a friend of mine introduced me to some people I didn't know that had tagged along with him. *A pair of eyes grabbed me and swept me off my feet*. This had only happened to me once, but nothing ever came of it. *For weeks all I could think about was this girl*. That's when I knew for a fact I could never marry my fiancee.
> 
> One night the new girl and I realized there was a connection. But she told me that she wasn't willing to act on it since I was engaged. I told her I respected that, and that I wasn't a cheater, so I felt the same way. *I also told her about the things that had been going on in my head for the past few weeks*. I told her that I knew I wasn't marrying my fiancee the first time I saw her eyes. *She asked me if I was saying I was going to leave my fiancee for her*. I told her no, that I was going to leave my fiancee because I'm not the kind of guy who marries someone, all the while knowing that I have eyes for other women.


You met this OW and was immediately attracted to her. You started talking to her and confiding in her about deeply personal relationship issues. You invested all your emotional energy on her, and that is emotional cheating because you deprived your fiance of those emotions. Then your OW asked you if you would LEAVE your FIANCE for HER. What woman is going to ask a man who is in a committed relationship that unless she already has a relationship with him? And I bet you kept this a secret from your fiance during the time you were talking with this new girl. Secrecy is yet another vital component of cheating.

So you felt you're off the hook because you didn't have sex, or took it to a PA, until you dumped your fiance. Cheating is cheating, whether it be emotional, physical, or both. And by your own admission, your fiance was a wonderful woman, she just didn't do it for you sexually. 

*This is why you feel guilty*, because deep down you know what you did: you cheated on her. I wouldn't be so high on this new girl of yours either, since she was willing to be in an EA with a man that she knew had a fiance. If they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Hopefully you wont have to be the victim of an EA one day, like all of a sudden, your new girl decides to dump you, only for you to find out later on that she had fallen for some other man while she was with you, even though she hadn't slept with him yet while she was with you.

And now this guilt has bothered you for months with no end in sight. There's probably a little regret mixed in because now another man is enjoying the love of a very good and unselfish woman. 

Just be happy for you ex-fiance, that she's found the love with a man who will love her for who she is.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Don't count me as one who will condone your cheating and give you the validation that you crave to assuage your guilt. And yes, you were having an emotional affair, it just hadn't gone PA until you were with your OW. You tried to minimize it well. I highlighted the relevant portions of your post where you tried to minimize it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:
if you want to stop feeling guilty, admit the above. after that, move on. live and learn. dont make the same mistake twice.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Even if it was an EA, he did the right thing by leaving first and being honest with his ex about it. This is the exact same advice everyone gives here to everyone, so this situation isn't any different at all. 

I think your guilty because you hate hurting people at any cost. It's a normal reaction. Just let it go. She's happy, so just give it time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

needsyourhelp said:


> But I can't shake this feeling of guilt that I have every time I think of her. That's what I'm here for. How do I shake the guilt? It's been nearly 10 months. I miss my friend, not my fiancee. I know I did the right thing. But her eyes the day I broke up with her - they still haunt me. This girl was planning her life around me, spending her money and time on me. And I threw it all back in her face. I'm so sorry for what I did, why I did it. I've told her that. We are both happy now. But I still feel so guilty every day. How do I make it stop? When does it start getting better? Please help. Thank you.


Dating, falling in Love, Relationships..... it is a part of figuring out who we are and what we really want in life, there WILL be casualties along the way, it is simply a part of living and growing. Even though the heartbreak in her eyes may haunt you, do you feel she would take back those special memories you shared, that friendship she enjoyed. I doubt it. Sometimes people come into our lives ....just for a season, we may not know it at the time, but learn later.... it is time to go , move on to another. 

*You weren't married yet*, this is NOT the same as an EA in my opinion at all. No vows were taken. I feel you was honorable. I do agree, the fact you was engaged and she was such a sweetheart likely plays on your mind, but sorry, no vows were taken, I don't think you are a dog or slime at all. Nor would I think you will be more proned to an EA in the future given this situation. 

It is always inspiring, to me, when I hear stories like yours where you just wasn't sure, something inside you did NOT have that "*Peace*" make no mistake about this, People need a PEACE before they Marry another... *this is wisdom*, too many do NOT follow this >> with disasterous results.

Then....... "A pair of eyes grabbed me and swept me off my feet"...." This had only happened to me once, but nothing ever came of it. For weeks all I could think about was this girl. That's when I knew for a fact I could never marry my fiance". This WAS your answer, this was your Peace you was looking for. GO with it ! 

....then out of all of your worry & hidden experinces with these girlfriends, for the 1st time you can sexually "release" with this one woman, how special is that ! It is almost like your body was waiting for her, she unlocked those desires within you. Another answer you needed for your life to set you on the correct path...for you. 

Look, your ex -she has successfully moved on, she has found another man, she sounds happy, her broken heart healed, as we ALL do after a break up- after a time of greiving what was lost. 

Assure yourself ..... You did the best thing you could do under these circumstances, you followed your heart, even someone who loves us would want that, we wouldn't want someone to stay with us -if our heart was with another, that would be cheating ourselves....and them. Marraige is NOT the place for pity, we need to selfishly WANT our lover. Anything less , personally, wouldn't be very exciting, and it just wouldn't last. We need to have Passion and Peace, at the very least....when we walk down that isle! 

You DID the honorable thing, there is very little to feel guilty about here. This is your mind overworking. It is time to let it go. Know you are in the correct Path for your destiny. 

You say you miss her as a FRIEND? What does this mean to you, I wouldn't think it would help anything to bring her back into your life though. That wouldn't be wise. I hope your new GF is now your best friend, I feel that is very important.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i would still call it an EA because it was kept secret. the ends do not make the means any less dishonest. at the same time, this is one of the few situations that you can actualy say no harm no foul. live, learn, dont be dishonest again, it makes you feel guilty. admit and move on.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I think for the first time ever I disagree with lordmayhem (well mostly). I don't really view what you have done as infidelity or adultery... yes maybe it was cheating to a certain extent and LM brings up some points that may be applicable to dealing with your own malaise... You ended the relationship - you didn't end it great, it was a little messy, but endind a relationship is always a difficult thing... in this case, ending it was the right thing to do because you were not able to emotionally invest into the relationship like you felt, and obviously needed, to do.

Was it an emotional affair with this OW? Yes by definition is was, and you were in a "committed" (ie long term) relationship (which is why I will agree in part to LM's arguement) but according to what you are writing, when you found yourself there you acted in good faith - instead of escalating the problem, you acted to fix it. So there is not much guilt to carry here, just uneasiness about being in the position of letting someone down, that's life.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Doing the right thing doesn't always mean you either look good, or feel good about it.

Have a good friend that dumped her husband because he was addicted to porn and ignored her. To the outside world everyone presumed she had a guy on the side and couldn't understand why she was leaving the marriage. She never threw her ex under the bus.

Doesn't change the end result. Without question, you saved both yourself and your ex, exponentially more heartache than had you gone through with the marriage.

Don't feel guilty for choosing what will make you happy, and being honorable in your behavior. Not ever.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


lordmayhem said:


> Don't count me as one who will condone your cheating and give you the validation that you crave to assuage your guilt. And yes, you were having an emotional affair, it just hadn't gone PA until you were with your OW. You tried to minimize it well. I highlighted the relevant portions of your post where you tried to minimize it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

I read your post and you sound like me and my ex husband of 12 years. You shouldn't feel guilty. You were honest and let her move on to find happiness and let yourself as well. Really, it couldn't have worked out any better. I married a guy in a similiar situation. We were best friends, that's all it ever was and after 12yrs of not being completely happy, we quit. I am now remarried and very happy. I do miss his friendship, but I am happy that I got to move on with my life. So, I'm envious that you didn't make your fiance go through several years of a marriage that wasn't meant to be. You did the right thing. And as for the friendship... 4 years later, I still miss it but that's just the way it has to be becasue it would not be fair to my new husband or any of my ex's potential new wives(he's still looking for "the one"). So, ya just gotta let it go.


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## needsyourhelp (Nov 30, 2011)

Wow, lots to reply to here. Not going to do any quoting but I will respond to some of you by username.

To the ladies who asked how guys "fake it," it's simple to do if you don't pull out. Nevermind the debate that these girls are stupid... But most women around here seem to trust the pill to the bitter end. Look at your guy's shaft next time he finishes on top. At that angle, all of the semen winds up in the woman and not on the man. I have no idea if all guys have this ability but I can pulsate the muscle in my penis to "simulate" an orgasm. There's also the old trick of using a lubricated condom. If she asks, you took it off without turning it inside out.

To lordmayhem: Do you analyze the thoughts of complete strangers for a living? If you don't, you should. You're very good at it. I had not realized that I had tried to minimize any portion of the story - but you're right in saying that I did. I'm not concerned as to whether or not there was some sort of affair. I believe there was, as do you. Most of the responses here seem to disagree.

What I know is that when all of this started happening I searched the topic for hours. Every thread involving a husband/wife combo crucified the adulterer and insisted he get his home in order. Every thread involving a boy/girlfriend combo insisted that this is a sign that a breakup was needed. Not a lot of topics involving engaged couples. I had 2 choices, and I picked one. And I do not regret the one I chose. I am very happy for my ex and I am very happy for me.

To lordmayhem and everyone else: Thank you all for your responses. But lordmayhem started his reply by saying he would "not condone [my] cheating and give [me] the validation _ need." I'm not here to ask the question of whether or not I did the right thing. I'm not here to ask the question of whether or not I'm a bad person. I am here to ask the question of how to get rid of the guilt. I have been brutally honest about this entire situation to both the ex and the current, and to one very close friend. I'm just not sure where else to go with it. Time, I suppose?_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

time will tell if it was the right thing to do.

you made the best decission for you at the time with the feeling you had. hope its not buyers remorse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I believe that call that "Dumper's Remorse" Chilly (not saying that is what happened to you, Needsyourhelp) but yeah that is the term they use sometimes for that.

OP--TIME wil help you as well as individual counselling if you need to seek it out. Guilt is a craaazy emotion. It's interesting to me how some people experience nearly zero guilt over things they do and some experience massive amounts of guilt. It's fascinating, really. 

If there was more that happened that you did not share w/ us, then that could also be a part of your guilt (like you actually got physical with your current lady) beforehand or something of that nature.

But yeah...I think it's good you spoke to both your current and your ex about it since it seems you really regret what you did/how you did it. What does your current lady say about your guilt? What did you ex say when you told her you felt bad/guilty? Did you apologize to your ex? That may help a little too. No, it won't undo what you did but it may help.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You didnt marry her. That's the key.

Sure it sucks. Sure she fought hard for her "future" husband...but the games not over until the clock shows zeros. She didn't have the ring yet.

You did the right thing. And in my opinion you didn't have an EA....you weren't married yet. That's silly.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Nyh:

You may be a perfectionist who tends to over-think and analyze situations in his life. 

Healthy guilt tells us that we need to take action to change something in our life. Unhealthy guilt is a tape that plays over and over in our brain, torturing us with what ifs, and why can't I handle things perfectly and control my world?

Every time you get a feeling of guilt, recognize that your brain is in perfection mode, and tell yourself that you recognize the feeling, but you do not have to react to it. It is a feeling, but your reaction to it is what counts. Take deep breaths, and consciously re-direct your thoughts to something pleasant. Imagine your former fiancee happy with her new man. Tell yourself that you do not have to listen to this chattering monkey in your brain any longer.


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## mom2sons (Dec 13, 2011)

I did not read all the replies. You sounded like a very honest (with others and yourself) man, which is rear. And honesty can hurt some people-but you are doing the right thing.
To answer your question, I think you should meet with you ex and talk it out. Practically tell her everything that you told here. See her reaction. Maybe she was waiting for this to have a closure. Maybe this will give you a closure. I am not sure if 10 months is long enough time for her if she truly loved you and had plans and hopes for you. But it would be a hell of a good thing to hear that you did not just broke up with her and forgot. That she meant and does mean a lot still, and that you did not feel good about breaking up with her, but did feel right about this.
A mature person will understand and appreciate this.


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## Ayan (Nov 26, 2011)

Those eyes..


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Don't count me as one who will condone your cheating and give you the validation that you crave to assuage your guilt. And yes, you were having an emotional affair, it just hadn't gone PA until you were with your OW. You tried to minimize it well. I highlighted the relevant portions of your post where you tried to minimize it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

*Completely agree with you. Its amazing how many ungrateful people there are out there... His ex sounds like fantastic women. 

Do that girl a favor and stop pretending being here friend,
and let her move one with life. hopefully with someone that
is mature enough to appreciate a great girl has to offer
when the see it.

Your pretend concern of your ex is quite frankly pathetic
I mean that girl´s only ”Crime” was to love you , and treat you with respect .
And how did you show her gratitude , love ,appreciation and respect for her
As a partner. One ex , one of the many insult you manage to dish out FAKING orgasm´s, seriously DUDE? 
Ever heard of self a steam?
So if you have some shred of respect for her?. If so
I would suggest you get of your high horses .
And drop your lame ass attempt to get her to absolve you
From your guilt. She doesn’t own you **** .

So please drop it


*


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Skit! Svenska! Bah! you'll be a target for the grammar police very soon 

But your advice is sound lol


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> r.
> 
> *You weren't married yet, this is NOT the same as an EA in my opinion at all. No vows were taken. I feel you was honorable. I do agree, the fact you was engaged and she was such a sweetheart likely plays on your mind, but sorry, no vows were taken, I don't think you are a dog or slime at all. Nor would I think you will be more proned to an EA in the future given this situation*.
> 
> ...


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Skit! Svenska! Bah! you'll be a target for the grammar police very soon
> 
> But your advice is sound lol


HA HA

ja, vad kan man säga Svengelska


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LOL it's alright

Prova singlish lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Needs,

You should not feel guilty. You set your ex free so she has a chance to pick a man who can love her in all ways. You were no that man.

I also suggest that you take a long hard look at your criticism of her. She was working long hours with no complaints to compensate for your being unemployed. Yet you complain that despite those long hours she was not, in your eyes, working to improve herself. That is called a “disrespectful judgment”. It’s the type of thing a person uses to blame someone else for their own failings. I suggest that you look deeply into yourself and figure out why you feel a need to be disrespectful and judge your ex. It’s not needed.. you don’t have to put her down so you can justify your leaving her.

You did your ex a favor. I hope she picked better this time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> 
> *Completely agree with you. Its amazing how many ungrateful people there are out there... His ex sounds like fantastic women.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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