# Divorce talk timing



## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Question to those of you who asked for a divorce and are going down the process: Looking back on how and when you did it, would you have any suggestions on the best time to ask for a divorce? 

About us - married about 19 years. One kid in college, one in high school. I would want a clean break as soon as possible with as little psychological impact to the kids as possible


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What's lead up to this decision?

There's going to be big impact on the kids, no matter when you do it. That's unavoidable.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There is no best time for such awful news, and it does depend on the circumstances. Has she got any idea that you are thinking of this? Why do you want a divorce? Will it come as a complete and total shock?
A lady I used to know had a total breakdown when her husband of about 30 years suddenly told her he was leaving for another woman, she had no idea and was in hospital for some time so be careful.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

The best advice I can give is gather your thoughts...even perhaps put them down on paper, and then call a meeting on a quiet morning when the kids aren't around....Be calm and to the point and don't play a blame game..Tell her what your intentions are...Even come up with a detailed "plan" where/when assets get sold off/divided, etc, Allow her the opportunity to come up with a different plan if she doesn't find yours to her liking...If you don't have any real bad blood, even offer to assist her in starting a new life.....Create a definitive timeline of events so it minimizes the shock...I don't really advise just blowing it all up, although sometimes it's necessary, it should be avoided at all costs...

Most people that "cut and run" do it because they are already banging someone else and want to start that deal as fast as possible, maybe even being pressured by the AP...That's fine and I get it, just that its far more painful and acrimonious when it's done this way....It will cost you more in a settlement, lawyers, etc..The other party will be far less understanding and much more unreasonable...The ironic part is a lot of guys I know that dumped their wives suddenly wound up no longer with the woman they were in bed with....And while most will agree that it was time to end the marriage, most would agree that doing it the way they did made it harder and more painful then it had to be...Bear in mind, I am not saying this is the situation with the OP, just mentioning this point....

Lastly, don't let guilt over it govern your actions...Marriages end...more than the one's that don't...It's human nature for a lot of guys to not want to hurt women, but don't let that feeling keep you from what you feel you need to do...Most people eventually recover and realize it probably should have happened even sooner than it did...

Good luck...


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

dedad said:


> Question to those of you who asked for a divorce and are going down the process: Looking back on how and when you did it, would you have any suggestions on the best time to ask for a divorce?
> 
> About us - married about 19 years. One kid in college, one in high school. I would want a clean break as soon as possible with as little psychological impact to the kids as possible


Does she have ANY idea that you are unhappy and considering ending your marriage...?

It's difficult to answer your question without more detail about your situation and your wife's mindset (as much as you might know about it)...


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

hamadryad said:


> The best advice I can give is gather your thoughts...even perhaps put them down on paper, and then call a meeting on a quiet morning when the kids aren't around....Be calm and to the point and don't play a blame game..Tell her what your intentions are...Even come up with a detailed "plan" where/when assets get sold off/divided, etc, Allow her the opportunity to come up with a different plan if she doesn't find yours to her liking...If you don't have any real bad blood, even offer to assist her in starting a new life.....Create a definitive timeline of events so it minimizes the shock...I don't really advise just blowing it all up, although sometimes it's necessary, it should be avoided at all costs...
> 
> Most people that "cut and run" do it because they are already banging someone else and want to start that deal as fast as possible, maybe even being pressured by the AP...That's fine and I get it, just that its far more painful and acrimonious when it's done this way....It will cost you more in a settlement, lawyers, etc..The other party will be far less understanding and much more unreasonable...The ironic part is a lot of guys I know that dumped their wives suddenly wound up no longer with the woman they were in bed with....And while most will agree that it was time to end the marriage, most would agree that doing it the way they did made it harder and more painful then it had to be...Bear in mind, I am not saying this is the situation with the OP, just mentioning this point....
> 
> ...


Thank you. Sage advice


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Does she have ANY idea that you are unhappy and considering ending your marriage...?
> 
> It's difficult to answer your question without more detail about your situation and your wife's mindset (as much as you might know about it)...


This is a very good question and one I should think through. I am don't think she expects it. She knows that she is not meeting my expectations of a partner. She has told me many many years ago that passion has died inside her. She is also convinced that this is how marriages are and wants me to get with the program. The fire cools down and the couple settles down to a more mundane existence. She prefers to stress that point when I try to bring up my dissatisfaction with our marriage. I have not closed those conversations with an ultimatum, so she probably thinks that I will put up with it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Are you still using the Asian Massage parlors to get your sexual needs met?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Are you still using the Asian Massage parlors to get your sexual needs met?


No Andy


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Are you still using the Asian Massage parlors to get your sexual needs met?


Are you trying to help with this...?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

dedad said:


> This is a very good question and one I should think through. I am don't think she expects it. She knows that she is not meeting my expectations of a partner. She has told me many many years ago that passion has died inside her. She is also convinced that this is how marriages are and wants me to get with the program. The fire cools down and the couple settles down to a more mundane existence. She prefers to stress that point when I try to bring up my dissatisfaction with our marriage. I have not closed those conversations with an ultimatum, so she probably thinks that I will put up with it.


I don't know your history with her (like Andy seems to), but does this mean that you are ready to follow through if you bring up divorce and she starts promising to change and be more like you want?
Or are you just trying to get her attention on to your unhappiness (which I'm not saying is wrong)...?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So have you found someone else?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You said 6 years ago that divorce wasnt on the cards, you also said that you had cheated many times. Did you ever have the decency to tell your wife about the massage parlours and the other cheating? The least you can do if you are going to end the marriage is be honest with her about that. Se may even end the marriage for you.
So why is divorce on the cards now, are you having an affair?


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> I don't know your history with her (like Andy seems to), but does this mean that you are ready to follow through if you bring up divorce and she starts promising to change and be more like you want?
> Or are you just trying to get her attention on to your unhappiness (which I'm not saying is wrong)...?


Good prompt again. I would if she wants to give it another try. My feelings for her never died. On the other hand, if the feelings are dead on her part, then I can mourn the relationship and move on. 

To the other questions, I am not seeing anyone. I did crack one time many years ago, as the other posters know from looking under my profile. Two times in a month. I pulled back because I realized that meaningless sex was not what I wanted. It only showed me what i did not want.

I said at that time that divorce was not in the cards because the kids were young and needed a stable home. Now they are well adjusted young adults.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

dedad said:


> Good prompt again. I would if she wants to give it another try. My feelings for her never died. On the other hand, if the feelings are dead on her part, then I can mourn the relationship and move on.
> 
> To the other questions, I am not seeing anyone. I did crack one time many years ago, as the other posters know from looking under my profile. Two times in a month. I pulled back because I realized that meaningless sex was not what I wanted. It only showed me what i did not want.
> 
> I said at that time that divorce was not in the cards because the kids were young and needed a stable home. Now they are well adjusted young adults.


Plus the visits to massage parlours which is also cheating. 
I think you know that whenever and however you do this its going to cause a lot of pain and hurt to your family, no matter what ages the children are, so just get it done asap.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

dedad said:


> Good prompt again. I would if she wants to give it another try. My feelings for her never died. On the other hand, if the feelings are dead on her part, then I can mourn the relationship and move on.
> 
> To the other questions, I am not seeing anyone. I did crack one time many years ago, as the other posters know from looking under my profile. Two times in a month. I pulled back because I realized that meaningless sex was not what I wanted. It only showed me what i did not want.
> 
> I said at that time that divorce was not in the cards because the kids were young and needed a stable home. Now they are well adjusted young adults.


Well, I think that's an important distinction to make - you aren't looking for a divorce, just a way to be happy and have a partner who cares about your needs and meeting them. THAT is how I would frame my conversation with her, but I would absolutely tell her that you are ready to leave her if your needs aren't important to her, so you can go find someone who will think they are important. And I don't think you should have ANY guilt about that either -- you DESERVE to be happy and have a partner who cares about what you want.

I'm doubtful you will have much success getting through to her, because it sounds like you've spent years letting her have her way, so she's going to resist giving that up. Plus, it's just hard for people to change. Sometimes the threat of (REAL) divorce makes people change, but that's VERY rare, and it almost never lasts. If someone doesn't care about meeting your needs on their own, you cannot make them care - they just DON'T care.

You need to make it clear to her that you WILL divorce if your needs aren't considered and met equally with hers, and be ready to follow through if that's what happens.


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## dedad (Aug 22, 2013)

Thanks, will do


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

dedad said:


> This is a very good question and one I should think through. I am don't think she expects it. *She knows that she is not meeting my expectations of a partner*. She has told me many many years ago that passion has died inside her. She is also convinced that this is how marriages are and wants me to get with the program. The fire cools down and the couple settles down to a more mundane existence. She prefers to stress that point when I try to bring up my dissatisfaction with our marriage. I have not closed those conversations with an ultimatum, so she probably thinks that I will put up with it.


Are you meeting her expectations of a husband?

The issues in the marriage are on both of you. But your cheating is 100% on you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My mom used to treat my dad badly. Talk down to him. I dont see how any of my uncles stayed married to her sisters. They were all controlling jezebel spirited.

My dad was a social butterfly that never met a stranger. You could tell when mom was no longer interrested in sex and dad was more angry. Not to her but when away from her he complained about her. When he got ED then she started saying hurtful ridiculing things about it, to other people, once at a restaurant no less. 
She said at a restaurant loud enough for other tables to hear, "If i wanted to have sex, he couldn't get it up anyway."

My sister and i wished he would divorce her and find a woman that cared for him and his needs. I now have alot of disdain for my mother now. I see my mom on holidays some but other than that i rarely speak to her. Dad passed a year ago last March from heart attack. He finally got free of that controlling vindictive jezebel.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Divinely Favored said:


> My mom used to treat my dad badly. Talk down to him. I dont see how any of my uncles stayed married to her sisters. They were all controlling jezebel spirited.
> 
> My dad was a social butterfly that never met a stranger. You could tell when mom was no longer interrested in sex and dad was more angry. Not to her but when away from her he complained about her. When he got ED then she started saying hurtful ridiculing things about it, to other people, once at a restaurant no less.
> She said at a restaurant loud enough for other tables to hear, "If i wanted to have sex, he couldn't get it up anyway."
> ...


This is why I have a softer view of "exit affairs" in certain situations...my step-dad, who is the best man I've ever known, tolerated my toxic mother for 15 years (with no sex, as well), and when he reconnected with his high school girlfriend, I was SO happy for him...watching him enjoying his life with a loving, caring, supportive partner makes ME so happy!!!!!!

Yes, it would have been "better" for him to leave her first (whatever that means), but he couldn't see his way out until he found someone who told him the opposite of what my mom had been telling him for 20+ years. Sometimes, that's how it has to be. My mom DESERVED it. She did NOT deserve the respect and protection of being a "wife", because she used that as a place to hide and manipulate and damage her spouse - which is breaking HER vows, which she did FIRST. 

Screw that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> This is why I have a softer view of "exit affairs" in certain situations...my step-dad, who is the best man I've ever known, tolerated my toxic mother for 15 years (with no sex, as well), and when he reconnected with his high school girlfriend, I was SO happy for him...watching him enjoying his life with a loving, caring, supportive partner makes ME so happy!!!!!!
> 
> Yes, it would have been "better" for him to leave her first (whatever that means), but he couldn't see his way out until he found someone who told him the opposite of what my mom had been telling him for 20+ years. Sometimes, that's how it has to be. My mom DESERVED it. She did NOT deserve the respect and protection of being a "wife", because she used that as a place to hide and manipulate and damage her spouse - which is breaking HER vows, which she did FIRST.
> 
> Screw that.


Now he is gone she has regrets....really! I want to say, "You made your bed" She is 73 and living in 2500sf house with her dog. I speak to her once a month or so and my kids(her only grandchildren)rarely talk to her unless they are with me.


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