# HELP! Gentlemen's Clubs and Lying....



## someonesomehwhere (Dec 2, 2015)

Hello,

Thank you first off for reading and any advice! (Hopefully I put this in the right place! Sorry if not, new to the forum)

My Husband and I are just married this year, but have been together for 6 years...living together for over 5.

We are very well aware of our relationship, and how each of us feels about things in relationships and what has taken place in our pasts.

To make an incredibly long story as short as possible, here's the details.

He is a sales manager, and does about 30% travel a year, progressively building more and more. This is not the job he had when we met, and it has been an adjustment for both of us. 

At first I was just not a fan of this traveling business because of him being gone, we both work full and time and I go to school full time so there's not a ton of time for us to spend together as it is. Anyways, we molded with it and although I miss him when he's gone I try REALLY hard to be supportive of his career. 

I never thought twice about him doing anything behind my back on the road, per we had just a really great relationship. (Don't get me wrong, I still think we do, but need help getting over this.)

Then there was a conference that he went to in New Orleans for 4-5 days, I knew this was going to be a super hard week on me because of what New Orleans is and his whole office is party, party, party when they are all together and not working. 

WELL, the first night was hard on me and I was super worried but told myself to trust him.... sure enough he said they were all going out for dinner (group of 20-30 people) and never called me back after at all that night after dinner when he said he would. 
This was the first night in our relationship that he had done that. EVER. This was like smoke to my fire and I immediately felt something was wrong.

Talked to him eventually the next morning/afternoon and heard about a dead phone story when he finally got back to the hotel and got to charge it he fell asleep ... whatever. 
Phone's back then when dead i.e....a Blackberry had to charge for X amount of time to turn on the radio signal to use the device. He stating was passed out prior to. Could have been, who knows. 

This whole trip was a nightmare and once again on the very last night wouldn't you know it....he never called me back again.... so 4 nights, 2 of those I got our usual bedtime call and conversations. I feared the worst.

Well, he fly home around 10-12am the next day and I was at work. When I spoke with him, he said he was super sick and tired from the trip. Came home and went right to bed. When I came home from work around 6 he wanted to snuggle up and act like all was fine. I tried....and eventually just played nice because he was feeling so terrible. (Which looking back is either because of the fact that he was out drinking all night or "got" something while there.)

This was not fun, at all. And I hate looking back on this... maybe I should've thought twice then... I just really don't know. I'd hate to think that I should have ended a relationship on him just not telling me about going and what took place if it was just a silly dance and it was over. 

To wrap this part of the story up, I was doing all of his laundry and putting away his clothes and etc... just as I do for him, for any trip. (Which he appreciate's) And found a ton of receipts and such. I never go through them, but set them all in a pile with his stuff and leave them alone. Went to hang up his jacket and there was a receipt in the pocket so went to add to the pile, was for a cover charge entering a "no name" establishment.... just an address... clearly I knew what this meant immediately, but needed to verify prior to discussing because of the fact that I didn't want to accuse him of anything. (I had a traveling salesman boyfriend in the past that cheated on me on the road, and I knew all about this accusation stuff....so tried to make sure I had facts. After pulling the address on Google it showed up as a strip club.)

When speaking to him about it, he freaks out on me....starts stomping his feet and tells me over and over...I didn't go to a strip club... I'm not lying, blah blah blah... 

First was....it was a piano bar on the top level of the strip club...B.S.
Then.... it was....everyone needed money so we just went in and used their ATM to get cash for the Casino. (Complete B.S, they did all go to the Casino after that. BUT I have never EVER seen a Casino without a hundred ATM's in there... I call B.S.
Then.... it was this and that.... but never, I'm sorry...yes I went, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you and lied about it.




NOW, I love this man so much....we have been through a lot of life together... and with this situation I decided to be a bigger person and just chock it up to a bunch of dudes going to a strip club on a work trip. .... telling myself to trust him and that he loves me, would never cheat on me...etc. Hopefully that's true.


We DID discuss this multiple times, that this was not something to lie to me about. AND that if he was going to go in one ever again to tell me about it and to please not lie. What I was upset and hurt about was the lie, not truly the actual part of going to the strip club. (As long as NOTHING BAD happened.)

He agreed to be honest, and we have tried to just move on from this.

Well we got married, and I finally thought we were passed it, and that this meant he was going to keep up his vows and be honest, faithful, etc... and that this was FAR long behind us...

He had a trip about 3 weeks ago (about a month after the wedding) and once again he wouldn't answer his phone or respond to my messages for about 2 hours after a dinner (It was late, and I was trying to talk to him before I went to bed.) he did call me back eventually.... said he went to dinner, ran into the other team of people that were there working and they ended up hanging out and talking shop for a couple hours. 

I just felt that this was untrue immediately.... Then this happened and the feeling got worse... 
When we did talk that night on video chat he mentioned that he only packed 1 pair of underwear on accident (for a 3 day trip. Meaning had 1 on, and took 1 with....missing 1 additional.) and that he had to go to the store and buy some underwear because he didn't want to wear them 2 days in a row because he had ran on the treadmill in them that day after his meetings. (not unusual to exercise) Well as I mentioned before I always help him and unpack his bag and suprise, suprise only 1 pair of underwear and the new pack he just bought.... 

This was the fire for me.... I knew something once again was off.... well, i'm not exactly a snooper on his stuff. I think it's unfair to go through all of his things...i.e....email, bank records, phone records, etc. ....but this was a reason to for sure.

Sure enough I found a weird charge for like 8 bucks in the one card account....clearly a drink that took place during the time he stated was talking "shop" to these work people he "ran into".

When google searched the name and address, sure as heck, there it was....another strip club. I was immediately devastated and heart broken. 

I don't know what this is for him... did he just go to a strip club, buy a drink, sit down, and blow his pants... or is it even worse... did he fool around with a stripper??? 

I approached him on it pretty calmly, and he lied to my face again, stating that I was accusing him of things that were incorrect and that he told me where he was....and that I should just trust his word.

Obviously, not.....but now what. I have already made appointments for a doctor visit to be checked out, and a marriage counseling visit because I can't do this to myself anymore... I love him...but...

I need to know why, and what took place.... and does he do this often on these trips and not tell me? Or was this just two times over the years and maybe I should just let it be and focus on how to fix this lying/communication problem. 

I'm hoping and praying that after 2 months of marriage that it's not over, based on his lies... but I can't stop thinking about this.... I know that he is an amazing man and if he hasn't cheated on me that we can work through this. I have no idea what I am going to do if he cheated on me, but I can't not know anymore. I need to know. 

I am incredibly appreciative of all advise and help. 

THANKS!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Oh my, sorry that you are just newly wed and you are having to deal with this. Your radar cannot be so totally off, what is happening sounds really suspicious and as he travels so much it is difficult to catch him unless you yourself stalk him on his next business trip or hire a PI to do it. It is difficult to use any of the techniques on here such as VAR etc unless you can hide something in his brief case to pick up conversations, etc. 

Something is not right for sure, but without evidence it is difficult to do a proper confront, keep copies of all receipts you find. Keep quiet for a while and monitor his activities, his phone, online, etc. The strip club receipts are already quite damning as in what is a married man doing there?

I do not think he is going to stop either as business travel is a perfect cover. i would start looking to get my ducks in a row, become financially independent and plan my exit, I think you are being set up for a lot of future pain with this man.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I had pretty much the same thing happen to me. I was in a long-term relationship, he lied to me saying he went to a concert and later on I found out it was a strip club. I didn't believe he'd cheated on me, but the fact was he lied to me. What did I learn from that experience? He wasn't trustworthy, so I didn't marry him. IMO, lying is not something to forgive and forget about; it's a warning sign that the person you are with is a liar and will always be a liar. You can forgive them all you want, but that will never make them a trustworthy person.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He's away from you, going out drinking, is lying to you, is being unfaithful in the sense that he's purposely going to watch other women naked. Not OK at all. 

I would say to him, I did trust you until you gave me reason not to. I also trusted you with my heart, our marriage and I trusted you to be honest. Let him know that you need to be married to an adult man, not a child. You don't need to be worrying about him and policing his behavior, that's on him. And if he can't behave like a married adult you are not sure if it's what you want anymore. A man who loves and honours his wife does not seek sexual gratification from strangers, he does not lie to his wife and he puts his marriage first. What kind of man and husband does he want to be?

At the very least you need counselling.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I travel a lot for work. In fact I even live overseas right now.

He has classic pattern of a cheat. Sorry but it's true.

If there was nothing to worry about he would have been straight up about it. But he hid it. 

He won't change..


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

So were you two talking marriage before this happened? Is this perhaps his subconscious way of acting out a fear of getting married or a desire not to marry? If so, this means you have another issue to face. If he isn't willing to talk to you about his concerns and fear of a marriage commitment, but instead tries to grab a space, compartmentalize a corner of his world where he still gets to act like a single guy when he's out of town, you have the problem of his inability to be honest. Not only is he lying, but he is unable to be honest if that's the case. 

I don't think what he did was okay. Just the fact that he didn't call you in the evening as you're accustomed to, to say goodnight . . . the bs about the phone being dead (whenever my h was not in the mood to talk or didn't want to be bothered, his euphemism was, phone going dead, turning it off to charge blah blah blah). 

He's not just lying because he's cheating possibly; he's lying because he doesn't have the courage to be truthful. THAT'S a huge red flag.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I travel a lot for work, and I've never gone with, or been invited to strip clubs. Sometimes I will go with coworkers to a pub for food and beer - but that is the limit. Mostly on work trips we work. 

Of course in the modern world I don't see the appeal of strip clubs anyway: If you want to see naked women, you can google search for any variety you want. Now if you want physical contact, that is a whole different matter - at at least for me clearly outside the bounds of our marriage (and outside of anything I would want to do).


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## Angelle (May 12, 2018)

I’ve had a singular situation that is similar and need my own discussion but in the last 4 months I’ve come to some awareness of lies about strip clubs. 
If your husband internally though of this as OK, and the culture he is in think it’s Ok, even if behind wives and girlfriends’ backs, you should know he is lying out of immaturity and maybe he has a chance to come clean and discuss this where you both can understand before making the next decision. From what you are writing, you only know the tip of the iceberg. I’m sorry for what you thought the relationship was and am sorry he is disrespecting you (and himself) every time he gets a chance. Also, his reactions are in line with a 2year old tantrum. Not respectful and not a solid place for you as a woman and partner. 
I don’t know how this has been lost on society, that these otherwise committed guys escape life and get jerked off by paying women who are naked in private rooms. These men somehow decide because it is a “legitimate” business and simple transactions it’s OK. 
There is such a bigger picture here and everyone on the other end of it, like us, need to start talking about it. Otherwise it’s women feeling uncomfortable and sad and fighting to find trust while men pay there cover and become some adolescent egged on by “friends” drunkenness and girls who again, somehow have bought into that it’s ok to be naked and betray women they don’t know. It’s causing so much destruction.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)




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