# Quits after 23 years?



## OldPro? (May 15, 2011)

I am posting here because I feel I need to vent to someone. Perhaps someone here has a similar story.

I have been married (my first marriage) for 23 years. My wife and I have a couple of teenage children. My wife and I get along ok and are a great team so far as raising our children, managing finances and just dealing with day to day issues.

Our sex life has slowed substantially over the last 8-10 years. In fact, we have had sex only twice in the last five years and none for the last two and half years. I think this is partly due to the fact that she asked me to move into the spare bedroom over three years ago, citing that my snoring was disturbing her sleep. Keep in mind, I have tried to initiate romance on occassion, but denied each time. My self esteem is completely gone.

I feel completely abandoned by her. In fact, I wonder if this would qualify as legal abandonment? For the longest time, I was so hurt because I still felt "in love" but rejected. Now, unfortunately, I have gotten over the "in love" thing. I do love her but it's more like just loving a family member, not the way a man should love his wife. I have talked with her about this on many occassions, but nothing seems to change. As time passes, it seems we have less in common. I have NEVER used the "D" word in our conversations because I'm scared that if we say it, it becomes and option.

The main reason that I have stuck it out so long is because I want to be with my kids every night. I don't want to hurt them. I have put their happiness, or at least my perception of their happiness above my own. I don't want the every other weekend visitation thing.

As time passes, I am more and more frustrated, sad and lonely. I am tired of being alone. Am I wrong to wonder if there is another woman out there who might actually want to be with me? To be honest, I fantasize about meeting another woman and falling in love. Though it would be a lot easier if my wife would love me the way she should! I would love to have a happly normal marriage! I wonder if it is possible?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Sounds to me like you both are done and now you are just roommates raising kids. There are a couple of questions that I know folks on here will want to know. First off, have you both done marriage counseling or any counseling. If not, I would get to a MC fast. The other thing is, are you sure there is no OM. I too was kicked out of my bedroom for snoring although i dont snore every night. She has had a serious illness and she has had insomnia for a very long time and can here a fly in the other room so that leaves me to where if i turn in bed it wakes her. As a result, she says i am not meeting her emotional need. She asks me to leave our bed but says i dont chase after her for sex enough. Really, well, i am conflicted on that. Anyway, i would not bring up the D word yet as it sounds to me she would take you up on that straight away. Try to change yourself if you can. Why do you snore? See a doctor. But definitely consider MC. The sooner the better before its really too late.
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## OldPro? (May 15, 2011)

We have not done any counseling. I have talked with my minister about our situation and taken his advice so far as openly talking with her about my feelings. I have asked her to pray with me about our marriage on a couple of occassions as well. As per my minister's advice, I have tried to set up some kind of regular "date" night with her. We just can't seem to make that work.....always something else to do, with the kids or whatever. 

I do not think she has another man or anything. I don't think she has any interest in romance or sex at all.

As far as changing me, I wouldn't know what to do different. Don't get me wrong, I surely don't think that I'm perfect or anything. It's just that she has not told me of anything that I would need to do different. I work hard everyday, I do my chores and I even do most of the cooking. I'm home every night, except when work prevents it. I don't cheat on her, I don't drink and I have NEVER hit her. Though, I am sure there is much room for improvement.


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## luvlost09 (May 15, 2011)

This is my first time using this website. I'm so glad that I found it. Being able to vent and try to help other people with their own marriage, is kind of therapeutic. Anyway, my question to you is, Does your wife do anything else that makes you think that there is another man? Does she act sneaky? Are there any other clues? I don't know how any grown human being can go so long without sex... Especially when you're married. To me, making love is a way to bond with your partner. I can't even begin to imagine the abandonment, as you said, you must be feeling. Maybe see a doctor about the snoring, take her excuse away, see what she does then...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, if you are certain about no other man then do as luvlost and i suggest and see a doctor about the snoring. Take that excuse out of the equation and see what happens. Yeah no sex for that long is not good for a marriage. Just sounds to me like there is no real affection for each other. I am surprise your paster has not suggested seeing a MC. The MC might be able to uncover something you are not aware of
Maybe suggest that your W see a doctor too about her low sex drive. Somethings just odd there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldPro? (May 15, 2011)

I truly don't think she is cheating. She really has no opportunity to sneak around or anything. For whatever reason, it may be physical or psycological or no reason at all, I believe she could go the rest of her life with no sex and die perfectly content. Listen, it's not just the sex that I miss. I miss the "connection" that comes with the sex and sleeping together.

I have been reading other posts since I posted, and I have to freely admit that I don't show her a lot of affection anymore. I have to admit that I am feeling somewhat bitter toward her, but I keep it to myself.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thats just it. If you keep it to yourself and dont communicate, you wont have a chance to figure out what is going on with her. You have to be able to talk openly about it. I know what you mean about the connection, its very lonely and feels like you are in limbo without it. If she doesn't want to talk to you maybe have her see a counselor. Then maybe both of you a MC. I mean if you dont try, nothing will change
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Time to open up the lines of communication with your W. You NEED to tell her how you feel. You NEED to tell her you miss being connected to her romantically. Like brighterlight said, if you keep holding it all in, nothing will change and you will just become bitter and resentful.

If its truely the snoring thing that bothers her, see a doctor, get some of those nose strips to wear at night.. try ANYTHING just to get back in the bed with her. If she still pushes you away while fixing the snoring issue then there is something deeper there. 

How was sex between you two before she starting shutting you out? Is she open to some marriage counseling perhaps? 

Honestly, you need to open up.. she is your wife of 23 years, there is no reason to hold it all in. TALK to her! I wish you the best!


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Unfortunately you have children to contend with. I was in the same situation and finally called it quits after several years of no sex. But more than that, we were two people sharing the same house hold but hardly did anything together anymore.

It got to the point where we saw each other for approximately 1/2 hour each day. Most of the time she spent the majority of her days locked up in her own bedroom. Actually the 2nd floor area where there's a huge room big enough for 3 large bedrooms. But she always kept the door closed.

People DO change and she's done a 180 on me where we no longer enjoyed doing the same things together. Whenever I suggested doing something, there was always an excuse why she couldn't.

However, she wasn't cheating or anything because now that we're divorced. She spends most of her time at home and as far as I can tell, not going out with anyone.

You do need to at least try and talk to her about the changes in your lives. At least give yourself a chance to try and reverse the problem. However if nothing changes in six months or so, then maybe it's time to start thinking about going on with your life without her.

My problem was I thought I could live indefinitely the way we were living and stuck it out much longer than necessary. Now I find myself alone, much older and it's going to be harder for me to find someone else. I should have done it earlier.

Oh yes I almost forgot, we were married for almost 33 years. 23 of which were wonderful years. Then things changed!


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## sadnlonely (May 16, 2011)

This is depressing to read. I'm in the beginning stages of the same situation. We have three children, and I think that earlier in our marriage I showed too much negligence. I worried about money, spent too much time at work (that's where I was getting fulfilled), avoided her criticism at home, and didn't fulfill her needs.

We had sex, though. So over time, she began to resent me for that. I was getting mine, and she was lonely and hurt. A year ago, several things happened. 1) she gave up and began to be fulfilled at a new job and through new experiences. 2) I "woke up" after going through a depression (her new job meant that I'd be hitting the job market, and it took 2 mos. to find work, so I got down, right when she was up!). But anyway, I woke up to the realization that I HAD neglected her quite a bit, that her criticism was really just a cry for love, and that I'd not done many things and 3) That led to me going overboard - buying flowers, dates, romance, everything. It backfired like you wouldn't believe. My realization and subsequent change were like a slap in the face to her. Sex gradually ended, and she told me she wasn't interested in meeting my needs anymore. I continued trying.

It's been a year, now. Our last sexual encounter, where she just lay there and basically said "This is for you so get it over with fast" was 4 months ago. The last mutually enjoyable sexual experience was closer to 6 or 7 months ago. She doesn't want me to even touch her anymore - "You only want sex."
True and not true.

So I'm emotionally spent. Physically exhausted from lack of sleep, and confused. I'm about through. And these posts only make me begin to believe that there's no hope.

She refuses to see a counselor with me. Refuses to let go of resentment and bitterness. I'm only still around now because of our kids. But that's a lame reason at some point. When do I get to the place where my needs matter?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

sadnlonely, I'm still looking and have not found such a place.


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