# Please help



## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

my husband let me borrow his computer and I just found files and files of lies, 8 email addresses and tons of porn. A personal letter to a girl I thought was our friend that he talks about our 4th child and how devasted he was to find out I was pregnant. The one wonderful night they spent together how he'd give anything for the last 20 years of our marriage for me to fall in love with someone else and let him off the hook. I wasn't even looking, I came across it by accident. 
He acts so kind and loving when he's with me. He generally calls me often. Now I find emails to girls he's been searching for when he's been traveling for work. Thank you's for phone calls in the middle of the night. Pages and pages of porn from a co-worker (male) I feel like I'm having a horrible nightmare and can't wake up. I feel like the last 26 years of my life has been a cruel joke by him. I feel like such a fool. How awful of a person do I have to be to be hated so much? All I've ever done is support him, convinced him to go to college, and now to continue his education although I'd been doing that but he didn't seem so inclined till SHE called. What's wrong with me? I wnat to kill myself but I can't leave my kids with him. What did I do wrong what do I do now? I'm panicking, Im sick please tell me waht to do.


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## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Bravo99: Please don't take his words personally, You are a spouse who cared and nurtured a marriage it is clear he did not. Your kids are what is important cherish them everyday. I personally know the pain you are going thru. I wish I could turn back time and start over
I loved my wife with every cell in my body and i just got pushed aside and told to leave like I was a unwanted guest. I miss my kids something horrible. I thought by leaving my wife would ahve realized how much I did but she does not care all she wants is money from me. I have never gotten an explination she keeps saying when her head clears she will write me a letter. It has been five months no letter yet. I am not going to hold my breath any longer. We have to dig deep for the strenth, right now I know you do not know where to get that strenth but belive me it in there and with time it will be easier.
Good luck and be strong


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

how do you do it? All I did is support him. Try to keep a nice home. Be open sexually and emotionally.
I have no education because he wanted me 'home with the kids where a mother belongs' I have no way out and he'll just keep lying even faced with evidence until he's ready to throw me aside like trash. How do you breathe?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help. It did wonders for me when I was at a low point in my life to have help sorting out everything flying around in my head.

Your world has been turned upside-down for sure and it's hard to even understand who your husband is right now, but over time you will be able to see things more clearly and know better what you will do and a counselor can really help with that.

The fact that he's been with you all these years and acts kind and loving tells me that he is alluding that he wishes he weren't married to lure in other women, and that he doesn't hate you at all. When you said "I feel like the last 26 years of my life has been a cruel joke by him. I feel like such a fool. How awful of a person do I have to be to be hated so much?" I have felt that way myself. Believe me, this is not about you...it is all about him and his sexual urges.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bravo99 said:


> I have no education because he wanted me 'home with the kids where a mother belongs' I have no way out and he'll just keep lying even faced with evidence until he's ready to throw me aside like trash.


If I were you, I would not sit around and wait for him to decided if or when he's done with the marriage. If this is the case, chances are he will be paying alimony and child support in the event you divorce. 

In addition, if your children are older where you could go back to school or get a job you may want to look into those options just to boost your confidence and hopefully feel less trapped.


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Thanks, I'm trying to stay positive and looked at going back to school but I can't focus, I still can't eat; all I do is get up for awhile and start feeling crazy hurt so I take more sleeping pills and go back to bed. I've been talking to a suicide hotline, I know that would be bad for my kids but my mind can't stop racing and tells me all the ways it would be better for them to be with my sister than a worthless mother that couldn't keep their dad around; or to be with a dad that's a porn, chat, cheating addicted loser. I hate him so bad right now.. My mind can't think that's this is about anything but me and my inability to make him happy or satisfy him although I tried really hard to. Thanks for listening.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bravo99 said:


> Thanks, I'm trying to stay positive and looked at going back to school but I can't focus, I still can't eat; all I do is get up for awhile and start feeling crazy hurt so I take more sleeping pills and go back to bed. I've been talking to a suicide hotline, I know that would be bad for my kids but my mind can't stop racing and tells me all the ways it would be better for them to be with my sister than a worthless mother that couldn't keep their dad around; or to be with a dad that's a porn, chat, cheating addicted loser. I hate him so bad right now.. My mind can't think that's this is about anything but me and my inability to make him happy or satisfy him although I tried really hard to. Thanks for listening.


I'm glad you've been in touch with the hotline. It would be even better if you could find someone to talk to in person. I can totally relate to how you are feeling ending it all would be the best option, but I promise you when I was feeling that way the only thing stopping me was the thought of my kids...and in time I started to see more clearly and feel better & am so glad I did not do anything permanent because that pain as bad as it was, was temporary....and doing something permanent would mean your kids will be 'with a dad that's a porn, chat, cheating addicted loser.' They need you...and even though you do not feel whole right now, you will get there again...you sound like a wonderful person & I'm so sorry this is all happening...please hang in there, it will get better


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Thank you for responding to both my crazy posts. I'm so freaked out. 

How long did it take you to stop thinking about suicide? 
I'm glad your better. 

I just have such a sense of panic all the time; that's why I pop sleeping pills to stay calm. Was better earlier today than now. He called and I made him angry so of course I'm freaking out. 

For their sake I hope my kids NEVER know the things he's done, when I look at the pages and pages of it all and it's not even a fraction. They'd be ruined especially our daughter that's getting married in 5 months. 

I have a hard time believing I'm any good for them right now, I told them I'm sick. I already had a Dr. appt. for Friday, but if I can't pull it together how long can this go on?
I wish I could wake up from this nightmare, that's all.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Hi Bravo.

Not much to add, in terms of making the pain go away.
Stay in contact with people who care about you. Take care of the kids. See the Doc, and also see to a therapist.

I'm sure you're MUCH stronger than you think.. Keep going.

Sending warm vibes and wishes...
all the best.


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

The last thing I feel is strong and it's a good thing my kids are old enough to take care of themselves since I can't get out of bed.

I'm really fighting to not drug up tonight after he got mad at me.
...how pathetic is that.
I think he's talking to her now. He 's says it's a co-worker.

I think he's a liar about everything. I hate him and his lying friends.

I really want to call wives with what was in his emails but I also
don't want anyone else to feel this pain from the lies of porn and married affair clubs.

I'm sure you all must be as sick of me as I am....

*sigh* Thanks all for giving me a safe place.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bravo99 said:


> I'm sure you all must be as sick of me as I am....


Not even close...we are all here because we choose to be and I truly believe everything you are feeling is normal considering the circumstances. I also was having panic attacks...usually triggered by thoughts and images. It was probably 2 years before I felt completely normal again, but suicidal thoughts stopped after I started talking to a therapist once a week (within a month). I did not go on any medication for anxiety (my own personal preference) but would have considered it if I didn't see improvements over time. Going to the gym helped.

The big leap for me was when I began to see it wasn't about me, as a person. I was feeling pretty low thinking I do the best I can but still feel unlovable. It's a horrible feeling. It would be easier to think 'hey, i've been a nasty, nagging wife so i guess i can't blame him for not wanting to be around me.'

When did you find all of this out? My only concern is that as the days go by you can find the best ways possible to get through this...the sleeping pills will numb the pain but I really hope it won't be long until you can seek some outside help to begin to heal...that is when you will start to feel like you again...and probably be even more annoyed with his behavior but it's all part of it...and I know, you didn't sign up for this deal...sorry you have to go through it.


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Thank you for your kind words.

I found it on accident Saturday, he let me use his computer. I'm so stupid at first I didn't realize what I was seeing.

2 years? How did you cope?

The "was I nasty nagging etc?" is one thing that is bothering me. 
I made a concentrated effort a few years back to be upbeat and positive. Extra effort to make things nice when he was home, I thought I had. So now I wonder what I was doing wrong.

I'm having a hard time seeing how it can't be about me.

I was low dosing in the day to get through, today is the first day I didn't. I also wasted most of the day panicking and journaling. 
I can't sleep at night without 3-4. 

I'm feeling much less suicidal though.

Tomorrow I'll panic all day because he's supposed to come home and I'll spend the day wondering if he'll show up and why I even want him to.

I'm glad things are better for you.

Thank you.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

bravo99 said:


> Thank you for your kind words.
> 
> I found it on accident Saturday, he let me use his computer. I'm so stupid at first I didn't realize what I was seeing.
> 
> ...


Hi bravo...
Be careful about yourself.
Nice that you didn't take the pills today but please be careful.
I would like to say to you that you seem very much "identified" by your husband and your marriage.
This is ok to a point but you're skipping straight over the point that you are a good and special woman with an identity all her own.
You have grown up, become educated, successfully raised kids!
You are part of everything, but you do have an identiy beyond your husband.
I'm not trying to diminish or erase the pain nor couldn't but please pay attention to yourself, listen or "watch" what you're saying and feeling.
This is not the woman that accomplished so may things!

Deal with what you have to but don't lose yourself in it.

Come back!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

63Vino

Thank you; thanks to everyone.

I felt so impossibly alone and I couldn't breath.
I'm so glad I found this site.

I know I am too identified with him, and need to 
learn to be my own person. 

With the kids older I realize I can go back to school and not need
to rely on him to babysit (I tried and he wouldn't show after work)
Having people that have been so understanding has really helped.

I'm starting to feel less sad and more angry; although still panicky...go figure.

I've been able to keep suicidal thoughts away some already too.

I know I still won't sleep on my own, but I'm going to try a low dose; and I'm going to try and eat something tomorrow.

Thank you


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bravo99 said:


> I'm starting to feel less sad and more angry; although still panicky...go figure.
> 
> I've been able to keep suicidal thoughts away some already too.


This is good to hear. When I said 2 years, believe me I don't think I could have handled more than 2 months of feeling how I was in the beginning (which sounds like how you feel now)...It gradually decreased over time and within months the thoughts and panic attacks were few and far between although not totally gone...certain things would trigger them.


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Swedish

Its hard to think this feeling will ever end. 
Did you work it out or get a divorce?
I still have the feeling of not waking from a nightmare.
You all have helped me so much, I know I'd still be in bed otherwise.

Thanks


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

We worked it out...he was in the beginnings of an affair with woman from his work and when I snooped to confirm my suspicion I found porn, dating sites...so it was all quite a shock to unravel all of this at once.

This is my second marriage & I could see us drifting apart (I have 3 kids from my first marriage) so the blended family issues, raising teens, etc. We talked a lot and he wanted to work things out and was very remorseful for hurting me. So we definitely did not go back to status quo...for us it was spending a lot more time together, talking, started date night once a week & we plan fun things when the kids are with my ex...email, talk during the day...and he has been open book whenever I had insecurities as far as giving me passwords, etc.

Our marriage is stronger and we are both very happy now. But it did take both of us changing and working at it to get here. As far as the porn goes...after the initial shock I did some research and came to terms with it being pretty normal for a man...I told him my concerns with it getting more extreme (ie date sites) if it was no longer enough and he initially just stopped but he knows it's not a deal breaker for me as long as it's 1-way viewing and no interaction with other women. That is a very personal choice, what you find acceptable & hopefully your husband can respect your wishes, but it may be diffiicult to just stop....of course if you decide to try to work things out.


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

It's perfectly understandable that you're experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions right now! Please enlist your support group - friends, family, pastor, whatever it is for you - and rely on them for help.

Because you're in chaos right now, it's so important that you get all the help you can. If you're open to counseling, you can find someone with one of these two therapist directories:

www.family-marriage-counseling.com
www.psychologytoday.com

If you continue to have suicidal thinking, please call the number below for counselors available 24 hours/day 7 days a week:

*National Suicide Hotline
1-800-784-2433*

Please take care of yourself! Also know that affairs can be worked through - if you both want that and are invested in saving the marriage.


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Read your new posts thank you both. I don't know if I can get
over it like you did Swedish. You seem very strong.
Lisa thank you for the new info too.

I'm just really freaking out right now.

I appreciate you all keeping me afloat this week.

I'm off for a couple of errands and the airport, we'll see if he actually shows up or if I survive this massive panic attack I'm
having all day.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I was likely as strong as you feel right now. What really helped me was individual therapy having someone to help me organize my thoughts and validate the way I was feeling. It did a lot to help me feel that I really did have control over the situation and to make a stand for what I wanted and needed. But at that time I felt anything but strong!

How are you doing today?


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Thank you so much for being here. I'm glad you are doing better; you're helping me a lot. 
I don't know how I am; having a hard time getting past a statement he made last night "she doesn't love me" not 'I don't love her.' 
He says he did say I don't love her, I think I notice the difference. 
I feel like at this point he's trying to get me to feel sorry for him which makes me angry and more depressed again.
It wasn't hard to stay away from him last night like I thought it would be.
If it weren't for a daughter getting married in a couple months and the 2 at home I really think I'd just send him off now.
I'm sure if he could figure the logistics he'd be gone to her anyway.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

hi bravo...
I feel your strength returning.. thats good.. Just realize that it will be a bit of a roller coaster. Some days up some down but average improving all the time.

Did you sign up to see a therapist?


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## bravo99 (Mar 2, 2010)

Hey all, with the greatest appreciation for your help. Updating on the addiction post. Thanks.


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