# just found out I have bpd but it might be too late



## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hello. As the title says I have just been diagnosed with bpd and it seems like my wife doesnt want to wait and see how good things can be when the treatments start. I know its been very hard on her but at least now there is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. Does anyone have any complete turn around stories that I could relay to her that could possible convince her things will be different with treatments? All of our issues go back to my terrible illness. Thank you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Borderline or bipolar? I never know what people mean sometimes when they say bpd.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Borderline. I have all the symptoms except the violence towards others and the hurting myself


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

During treatment you'll find that you worry less about what other people are going to do, and focus more on having a more centered life and you will really enjoy being less reactive to those around you. Life will be much more pleasant.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thank you for the encouraging words Homemaker. Ive lived with suspicion and paranoia for so long that I cant remember what its like to live without it. How about the anger and the mood swings? Do they lesson quite a bit as well?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Your wife may need some one to talk to as well, such as a therapist. She needs support, and understanding. Living with someone with BPD can be extremely hard and quite damaging. Especially if you had BPD going on all this time and neither of you knew what was going on until recently. Both of you need treatment.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

ineedadvice44 said:


> Borderline. I have all the symptoms except the violence towards others and the hurting myself


My sister is like that. After a few years of counseling, she is living the best life. I am really amazed how centered and successful she is.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Just talked to her and I guess she needs space. We are separating. I have to get rid of all this crap in my head and hopefully show her I have changed. Worst case I lose her completly but with any luck I will be able to live like a normal human being. If only I didnt love her so darn much


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

ineedadvice44 said:


> Borderline. I have all the symptoms except the violence towards others and the hurting myself


I wouldn't take that Dx as absolute.

I've been to my share of therapists over the years. One therapist who I really liked suggested I've got a mix of a few personality disorders, including borderline. I looked it up and it fits to some degree but I too don't have a lot of the "symptoms" including a lack of violence, self injury, and most of the crazy stuff that borderlines tend to get involved with. 

It's not cut and dry and lots of personality issues coexist.

Avoid labeling yourself.

It's counterproductive.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

To fit the diagnosis you don't need all the criteria. But I agree that a diagnosis is not necessary and not something you should label yourself with. Don't look at it as a sentence. Look at it as a door that opens to show you the way to helping yourself grow and improving your life.

(I was once diagnosed with a psychological condition. There's a risk it becomes a crutch for behaving badly or you start to define yourself through that diagnosis. Spare yourself of the misery that brings. Focus on what the diagnosis can tell you about how to get better.)

I can imagine how hard this is for you. You have found out about your problem and want to start working on it. At the same time she has come to the end of her rope and feels exhausted.

My advice to you: focus on *you*.
Focus on learning about BPD, learning new tools for dealing with your emotions, other people's emotions and improving your self-esteem. Be brave. It will be difficult, scary and at times will probably feel hopeless. But keep trying. Committing to this will improve the quality of your life on all accounts. Even though the work you need to do to get there will sometimes feel harder than anything you had to do before. There will be set-backs too. Pick yourself back up and try again. That's courage, that's preserverence.

As sad as it is, you cannot change your wife's mind or make her stay now. But I can assure you there is a much greater chance in her wanting to come back to you if you take your focus off her and turn it towards working on yourself, than if you promise you will do that if she comes back home. No demand, beg or pleed can make her to come back. What can, is if you start making the changes she wants to see.

In the heartbreaking event that this indeed would be the end of your relationship, your work on yourself won't be a waste. You will be better and stronger for it. No matter what happens, it will help.

I wish you strength, courage and faith. 

PS. My husband is a possible BPD sufferer (undiagnosed) who has no intention of getting help. I am proud of you already for finding help for yourself. Focus on you. If you will end up back together with you W, she will need to address somethings herself. BPD relationships can be etremely taxing and even toxic, but some responsibility lies on the "healthy" partner as well. If you are still in contact, I would direct her to *bpdfamily.com*. There's a ton of eye-opening information and a forum full of encouraging peer-supporters there to help those who have a pwBPD in their lives. It will help her.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thank you very much for your response. I cant express how deeply it touched me


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

INA, welcome to the TAM forum. I lived with my BPDer exW for 15 years. You have an amazing level of self awareness for a person suffering from BPD. I mention this because your being so self aware bodes very well for your chances of learning to manage your BPD traits. That is, the primary reason that it is rare for BPDers to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference is that they are unaware that they have strong BPD traits. This occurs because BPD is ego-syntonic, i.e., because the distorted perception of other peoples' intentions is such a natural part of the way the BPDer has been thinking since childhood that the disorder typically is invisible to him. 

Consequently, self-aware BPDers -- as you apparently are -- are quite rare. Although I've met many BPDers, I've never knowingly met a self aware BPDer in my private life. Yet, due to the miracle of the Internet, I have had the good fortune of communicating with nearly a hundred "self awares" online. Here on the TAM forum, Pidge is one of the few self aware BPDers that I've met. Her H (Joe Kidd) also participates on TAM. 

Pidge tells her story at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...209-little-girl-lost-my-journey-normalcy.html. Like you, Pidge has an amazing level of self awareness. And she has already had several years of treatment to learn how to manage her BPD traits, e.g., how to do self soothing, to stay "in the present," and to intellectually challenge intense feelings.

I agree with Tired that the BPDfamily website would be beneficial to your W. It is an excellent resource for the nonBPD spouses. Keep in mind, however, that it is targeted only to those spouses and is not appropriate for you because it likely would be very triggering. Hence, if you would like to communicate with other self aware BPDers, I suggest you participate at BPDrecovery.com, which is targeted solely to BPD sufferers. Take care, INA. I wish the best for you and your W.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thank you Uptown I'm glad to be here. The words of encouragment from everyone has really made me feel welcome. I know i have a tough battle ahead of me. Alot of the times I almost wish I was oblivious to this. I am conscious of the war in my head. Of hearing one voice whispering in one ear on how to react and a different voice in the other ear telling me to do something else (no I don't actually hear voices. Just wanted to clear that up). Whenever a "trigger" event happens my first reaction is emotion. But if I just concentrate a little bit and wait I can faintly hear logic speaking to me. Thats the times when I can actually have a normal reaction. Unfortunately emotion sneaks out faster than logic can react and that is what I need help controlling. Reacting without logic basically sucks. Innocent things get so twisted and munipulated to how I see them. I think my wife said it best to me. "You don't take things for face value. For what they really are". I think she was right.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ineedadvice44 said:


> Innocent things get so twisted and munipulated to how I see them. I think my wife said it best to me. "You don't take things for face value. For what they really are". I think she was right.


INA, please keep in mind that you are not unique in this respect. The very same distortion (of other peoples' intentions) occurs in ALL of us -- every time we experience intense feelings such as infatuation or intense anger. Indeed, it has happened so many hundreds of times that, by the time we are in high school, we know we cannot trust our own judgment when we are experiencing intense feelings. 

That is why, when we become infatuated with a potential mate, we wait a year or two before buying the ring. And that is why, when we are angry, we try to wait until we have time to cool down before taking action. I mention this so you realize that your behavior does NOT differ in kind from that of other people. Rather, it only differs in degree.

Significantly, BPD sufferers are NOT "crazy" because they see physical reality just fine. The only thing that is distorted is their perceptions of other peoples' intentions and motivations -- and, as I said, that type of distortion happens to everyone when they are experiencing intense feelings. Moreover, if the BPDer is high functioning (and the vast majority are), this distortion of other peoples' intentions is primarily limited to his loved ones -- because they are the only ones who can trigger his twin fears of abandonment and engulfment. This is why most BPDers are capable of treating casual friends and strangers with caring and kindness all day long -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.


> But if I just concentrate a little bit and wait I can faintly hear logic speaking to me. Thats the times when I can actually have a normal reaction.


Yes, that's what the rest of us do. We are able to maintain a thread of connection to the logical part of our minds -- not enought to think clearly but just enough to allow us to refrain from action until we have time to cool down. 

This is far more difficult for you because, given your difficulty regulating your emotions, you experience much more intense feelings -- and do so far more often. On top of that, you lack the skills of self calming, which is why it takes you much longer to cool down. 

A good therapy program will teach you such skills, e.g., how to self calm, how to intellectually challenge the intense feelings (instead of accepting them as reflecting reality), and how to trust. It is important to find a psychologist who has experience in working with BPD sufferers because he is trained in teaching these skills.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

> I am conscious of the war in my head. Of hearing one voice whispering in one ear on how to react and a different voice in the other ear telling me to do something else


Oh how I know this one all too well. It is SO hard. I still struggle with this. 

You have a very rough road ahead of you. The journey is long and arduous. Dig deep for the strength and resolve you have, you will need it. Sometimes I feel I am fighting a never ending battle within myself, a paradox to be sure.

I wish you peace, luck and fortitude.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Just a quick question about the meds available. Do they really help any? Thanks everyone


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ineedadvice44 said:


> Just a quick question about the meds available. Do they really help any? Thanks everyone


Pidge can address this question far better than I. My understanding is that meds can help reduce the anxiety and depression that often are caused by BPD but cannot make a dent in the BPD traits themselves. To address the traits, therapy is required. This is because BPD is not a disease. Rather, it is a disordered way of thinking that arises primarily from emotional immaturity (usually due to childhood trauma) that leaves one overly reliant on the primitive emotional defenses available to young children.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ineedadvice44 said:


> Just a quick question about the meds available. Do they really help any? Thanks everyone


I have not been officially diagnosed with BPD but I once had MANY of the traits. Instead I got labeled with ptsd, depression and anxiety. It's been a long road but I have gotten better. Being aware that you have a problem is half the battle. Being willing to do the work is the other half.

On meds. Everyone is different. For me the side affects from the meds were worse than the symptoms I was trying to fix so I never lasted long on them. However I do have a prescription for Lexapro. It works fast and I use it when my thought pattern gets stuck. I use it so rarely that I've yet to finish an entire bottle but it does comfort me to have it. 

I've got a friend who MUST take meds because her anxiety is so bad that she can't function in her daily life. She is using them in conjunction with therapy. I've told her often that if I had to do it over again I think I would have taken the meds WITH therapy for at least that first year until I got my life/negative thinking under control. From what I've read meds PLUS therapy are really the best way to go but it just depends on how bad you are.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

ineedadvice44 said:


> Hello. As the title says I have just been diagnosed with bpd and it seems like my wife doesnt want to wait and see how good things can be when the treatments start. I know its been very hard on her but at least now there is a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. Does anyone have any complete turn around stories that I could relay to her that could possible convince her things will be different with treatments? All of our issues go back to my terrible illness. Thank you.


She should read...I hate you don't leave me....and, stop walking on eggshells. Those are great books for those who have someone in their life with bpd. If you have a DBT (google this if you don't know what it is) group in your area....go! That is an incredibly effective treatment for bpd. Your wife likely has her own things to work on....often times with bpd there is an NPd spouse. But not always. Hve her read the books to understand you more. If she leaves you she is likely to be drawn to another person with bpd or bpd traits anyway...Hopefully she gets that. Bpd is rough on both the borderline and those around him or her. It's not life sentnc....I have seen many people with personality disorders make great changes. I find the cutting to be a big stressor between the bpd and loved ones...for what it's worth.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Also I have seen many people with bpd who don't respond to medication. Make sure your psychiatrist, if you have one, knows your dx. I see a lot o f borderlines get put on the wrong meds...like meds for bipolar. Work with a psychiatrist on this one, NOT your pcp.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CFran said:


> Work with a psychiatrist on this one, NOT your pcp.


okay I know pcp doesn't stand for the drug (that would be good advice for everyone really) but you've confused me


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Meds are crucial. We never question whether a diabetic needs insulin right? The brain is an organ just like any other organ. Untreated depression etc damages the brain, literally. Scarring on the brains of depressed individuals with no treatment have been found post Mortem. Most people have little info on Meds but go by what they hear from others. Do your research. Look at brain scans....d. Amen, look at his work.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> okay I know pcp doesn't stand for the drug (that would be good advice for everyone really) but you've confused me


Primary care physician


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

kindi said:


> I wouldn't take that Dx as absolute.
> 
> I've been to my share of therapists over the years. One therapist who I really liked suggested I've got a mix of a few personality disorders, including borderline. I looked it up and it fits to some degree but I too don't have a lot of the "symptoms" including a lack of violence, self injury, and most of the crazy stuff that borderlines tend to get involved with.
> 
> ...


Dx means proper treatment. Especially for bpd. I would never give that dx unless I was certain.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CFran said:


> Primary care physician


oh duh

I usually call them GP- general practicioners


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

You are so brave at confronting the BPD although this diagnosis isn't helpful. My husband thought I had BPD because of my abandonment issues and some of the criteria match but not all. To focus on the illness versus the root cause of the problems in the marriage isn't helpful or productive. No one is 100 per cent at fault in marriage and the fact that your wife isn't taking responsibility for her issues is a problem. Focus on yourself and getting the proper help and guidance you need to see things clearly. Try DBT and CBT, it helps everyone, not just BPD patients. i wish you all the best.


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## ineedadvice44 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thanks for the info. Unfortunately I have not received my meds yet. Because I live in a somewhat small town we actually don't have a psychiatrist here. I believe one comes up here every month or so. Anyway my doctor was supposed to phone the psychiatrist today to get advice. I phoned the doctors office today to find out how the call went and the secretary was so nice (sarcasm) in telling me its sitting on his desk in the to-do pile. Sorry I'm venting but it's just so frustrating. I've been living like this for so long but now that I know I have an issue I want to gather as much ammo as I can to fight it. Thanks for listening


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

INA, thanks so much for the update. I'm glad to hear you are making some progress and are being persistent -- although the going is slow due to your isolated location.


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