# Unrequited limerence - inappropriate friendship?



## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

I've posted a similar message a different forum awhile back. But I'm beginning to think this is where I should have posted it in the first place. Apologies.

My wife and I have been together for fifteen years. We get on well - lots of quality time together, mutual support, hugs and all - and I can't imagine life without her. Over the past few months, though, I have slumped into a depression. I'm taking Mirtazapine and am in counselling (on my own) but progress is slow and I'm impatient.

Through counselling, I have discovered that my depression has been actually brought on by a work colleague - a woman happily married and not the slightest bit interested in compromising things with me, but who has made the mistake of telling me she likes me as a friend. Over the past several months I have become physically attracted to X - and I'm showing all the traits of unrequited limerence. Although I'm 47, I've been feeling like a confused teenager lately.

A few years ago, X started going out for lunch with me. I can't remember who made the first move but it doesn't really matter. We had become good friends and it was obvious we enjoyed each other's company. Our lunchtime conversations were substantial and pleasant (and, I hasten to add, not at all naughty). I discovered a lot about her: her family, her personal problems, and, eventually, the fact she was in counselling (something nobody else at work apparently knows). 

Perhaps you can see where this is going. Our last lunch date was in May and was as delightful as always. But after X said something decidedly unflattering about herself, I decided to tell her that I thought she was attractive (something, I confess, I had secretly wanted to do for some time). Then, I added "surely you know I have something of a crush on you". I told myself this was merely an attempt to further boost her ego. But it wasn't, of course. I fancied her rotten.

But - good grief! - what was I thinking? And, moreover, what was I expecting to happen? Thoughts of an affair – in particular, the pain it would bring to the innocent parties – were enough to send me into a cold sweat. And yet, had X invited me back to her home, I doubt if I could have resisted.

I apologised to X via text that afternoon. I told her I felt like a creep and that I had cried all the way home. Her response was kind: while I hadn't offended her, she suspected "I'm just complicating things for you". Which of course she was. 

Sensing danger, I told my wife about what happened (honesty and openness have never been problems for us). She had known that X and I were good friends and approved of the two of us going out for lunch together, as I do with my wife's male friends. I plucked up enough courage to admit to my wife that I fancied X but stressed that nothing had happened between us, and that I still valued X as a friend. My wife said it was important that X and I remained friends but warned me that my limerence might not be unrequited (I find this hard to believe!). There have never been any winks or nods between X and I, nor any suggestive conversation. X is naturally friendly, not flirty; I am merely one of several male friends.

At this point I'd better mention that there's a sexual difficulty in my marriage I won't discuss here for fear of emphasising the wrong point. I've referred to it in the other forum.

X and I still talk at work - we have to, sitting as close to each other as we do - but it is apparent she has pulled back from the intimacy of earlier conversations. We used to text each other almost every day - not flirty messages, ones I'd be happy for my wife to read - but now it's maybe once a week, and they're usually rather boring. We no longer share our lives with each other the way we used to, or discuss how our counselling sessions are going. And we have never discussed how she felt when I told her what I did - and if I'm honest, that really bothers me.

X has never given any indication that I have offended or upset her. In the office, we still biff each other with the coffee tray and punch each other on the arm as we always have. She continues to say nice things about me, and I do about her. But we haven't been to lunch since.

I know I am prone to over-analysis, but I am resigned to having lost X as a close friend. I think about this every day, as you might expect. I pine for her attention, and have admitted as much to my wife. That's something I hope counselling will help to resolve. My question for this forum is: what should my behaviour be toward X? She knows that my marriage is having difficulties (hers is not). She knows that I am on antidepressants. I can't ignore her, and of course I don't want to ignore her. But equally, I don't want to screw up her life. Would it be wrong to reveal a few details about my private life? ("I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on" she has said, repeatedly.) And what about asking her out to lunch again?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

She seems like she really IS a good friend to you, becuase it seems like she SAW your infatuation with her, and did the upstanding thing, and distanced herself, knowing that she needed to be the stronger one. The woman has done you an immense favor.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

I appreciate the replies. Not really what I wanted to hear, I suppose, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

Not long after I posted my original message yesterday I did send X a text. She had been ill at work and I asked whether she was feeling any better. "Nice that u care enough to ask," she replied. We exchanged a few more texts: things have been difficult for her lately, she feels unappreciated, etc. Dangerous territory, I know - but I offered her a pair of ears. We'll see what happens, I guess.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You're playing with fire, and you obviously know it, but don't care enough to stop it. You say you and your wife are having issues. If SHE was talking to someone else, would SHE be the one saying she feels unappriciated, etc...much as your "friend" is saying to you? If you even THINK the answer to that question is yes, then what in the world are you doing offering this person, who you KNOW you have innappropriate feelings towards, a shoulder to cry on? Your energy should be put into making sure your WIFE feels appreciated and secure...not hashing out this woman's problems with her.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

I think you're being a little harsh in your criticism. My friend (no need for the quote marks) has not been "saying she feels unappreciated, etc" - the intimate discussions I have referred to pertain to issues of self-confidence at work, domineering parents and our hopes for the future. X has not mentioned her marriage to me once, let alone suggested it is in any sort of difficulty.

And rest assured I am trying to make my wife feel appreciated and secure. But I don't see it as an either/or situation. Perhaps I am "playing with fire" - but my wife has spent time in the company of male friends, and I've encouraged her to do it. She also told me to be careful with X, but not to lose her friendship - as she has done with male friends in the past.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

But, you DID say she said she was feeling unappreciated....matters not if it is by her H or by other people in her life. You are infatuated with her, by your own admission, and want to do everything you can to help her realize how great she is. Which would be AWESOME of a friend to do, IF that friend only had platonic feelings for her. Which is why I put the word friend in quotations. 
Whether you can admit it or not, you are walking a very thin line...and are having a very hard time reconciling yourself with what the boundaries of a friendship with her really should be. You ARE playing with fire dear, its plain as day. I have a GREAT male freind at work, and we discuss numerous things in our lives, but he knows exactly WHERE the line is drawn, and would never think to step over it, nor would I, because I value not only his friendship, but the friendship he shares with my H and also my kids. But above all else, I value the relationship I have with my H, and would not tread on such a delicate line.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

I appreciate these comments. Thanks for your interest. 

I guess what I am hoping is that these feelings of attraction will run their course, and that in time I'll see X as simply a good friend again. I think she and I _have_ drawn a line - maybe not the best one, but a line all the same - and as I've said my feelings for her are unrequited.

As for shutting off all communication with her (particularly text messages) - that's not a realistic option. X will invariably ask how I'm doing, will notice if I am quiet or down at work, and so on. I can't ignore that. Or am I meant just to tell her "My feelings for you are too strong, please leave me alone"? That strikes me as being inappropriate, too; at the very least it would create a horrible atmosphere of tension in the office. X has enough to worry about without becoming self-conscious every time I look at her.

"Playing with fire" - okay, I can see that point of view. It seems to me more like treading a fine line. But it's all out in the open; there's nothing I've said or done that I wouldn't tell my wife about.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do you think with your marriage in the state that it is in, that this fine line of yours isn't a seriously dangerous and perhaps selfish stance to take? So you can tell your wife. Does that make it right within the context of marriage?

Something else I'd like to point out to you -- each and every woman will one day be the age of your mother when she died. So to me, this is a cop-out excuse. Seems handy enough. But then you'll have to accept that every woman becomes flawed in your eyes at one particular age. Does this woman qualify? Would you kick her to the curb when she ages another 10 years?

Do you value this woman more than your marriage? I believe you are telling everyone here that this woman is more important to you than your marriage and the woman to whom you commited yourself. You aren't proving to anyone that your marriage matters. You're lying to yourself and hoping that the rest of us believe the lie, too. 

We do not.

Value your marriage. 

This woman, if she truly cared about you, wouldn't see you again. But she's human too and is probably flattered. And just because you believe her marriage to be on firm footing because of the lack of discussion, does that give you the right to take from this woman what is her husband's? (Intimacy) You have no idea where her marriage is. But you use your belief that her marriage is good as a means of saying that you are on safe territory.

You are not.

You are damaging your own marriage and you are putting her marriage at risk.

If you care anything about HER, leave HER alone.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Well, I'm trying. I have stopped sending texts to X, stopped, and put the idea of lunch out of my head. I am trying very hard to redirect my thoughts - and because this is proving hard to do I've started to realise how inappropriate things had become.

I'm wondering what to say if X asks me why I'm no longer sending her texts.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Well, I'm trying. I have stopped sending texts to X, stopped anything but polite conversation with her, and put the idea of lunch straight out of my head. I am trying very hard to redirect my thoughts toward my wife - and because this is proving hard to do I've started to realise how inappropriate things had become.

I'm wondering what to say if X asks me why I'm no longer sending her texts.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Henry in Edinburgh said:


> I'm wondering what to say if X asks me why I'm no longer sending her texts.


Just tell her that you want to focus your attention on your marriage and that sending her texts is detracting from that. No need to say anything else, really. If she's truly a friend, she will understand and not question it further.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I think you came on here hoping that someone would validate you, saying "It's OK to have a friend like that..." Well it's not.

It's OK to have a Woman as a friend, but what you are doing, and what you were stilling longing for, was more than just friends. Even if it wasn't physical, it's more than friends. 

And it's not because WHAT you are doing, but it's What you are feeling while doing it. It's obvious that you are craving her attention and interaction. The fact that you made a point to come in here and post about how you texted her, were very happy about what she said, and then "We'll see what happens", is not a good thing. That's what people say who are having problems with their wife, not a friend.

If she asks why you aren't texting her, you say "I've been busy" or "I didn't have much to say". That's what a real friend would do. 

It's not that you shouldn't have a friend, or be friendly with her. But you were crossing the line and you know it, and you hoped someone would make you feel better about doing it.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Well it sure is nice to have all this encouragement and support.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just keep up the right attitude and doing the right thing for your marriage... and for yourself.


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## JAE (Jul 17, 2009)

Henry

What you described is almost exactly how my wife defended her friendship with a coworker. I warned her that it sounded like a strange relationship and not right. She swore up and down that it was a friendship and nothing else. She decided to build an emotional relationship and kiss him. Now she is confused, our marriage could be over, and I feel my heart has been ripped from my chest. If you love your wife and wouldn't want to cause the worst pain she has ever felt, continue to avoid and cut all ties from this woman. It won't even take a kiss to do the damage. My wife and I have been best friends for 8 years, she says that HE has taken on that role. I promise you it will not end well.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

This is my last post in this forum. With respect, I'm not finding it very useful. 

Those of you who think my marriage is in trouble are free to draw your own conclusions.


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