# Not enough attention



## 836710 (Sep 25, 2012)

I've been with my husband for almost 21 years. Of course our marriage hasn't been the best, but we're always worked it out. Recently, our relationship has been suffering. We don't talk anymore, things have been more of a roommate statues. We place a pillow in between us at night and I have had no desire to have sex with him. Not too long ago, we had an argument on how he doesn't pay attention to me or doesn't tell me he loves me, just little things to let me know he cares. What came out of his mouth really has bugged me. He said that maybe I need to lower my expectations of what I want from him. Now all I'm asking is to feel loved and needed, once in a while and not just to have sex. I'm not asking him to be all over me all the time, but just want to feel that he does care and love me. Well ever since, I've really closed him off. I don't feel attracted to him or even feel the love I felt. I feel numb towards him. I just don't feel that I need to settle! I'm 38 years old and I know I have a lot of love in me, but maybe the love him and I had, has just died out!

Any feedback will help


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Do you want to stay with him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to read His Needs Her Needs. It explains what a marriage should look like and what it takes from both of you (not just him). For instance, nearly every man's most important need is sex. By you pulling away from him, you're just about nailing the coffin on your marriage because now he feels NO reason to give you anything back.

Now, you can put some effort into meeting his other needs in the meantime. And when you do, he'll then look fondly on YOU and probably want to start meeting YOUR needs. 

And you also have to start spending time together or you WILL fall out of love. Time that doesn't include tv, computers, phone, books. Walks, card games, jigsaw puzzles, new restaurants, high school musicals...whatever, just start doing things together.

What your H said is typical. HE sees no reason to work on it because like you, he doesn't understand where 'it' went. 

Read the book first.


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

How do you two relate as personalities? If you read my post from last week, I think you and I are in similar situations, that 'fell out of love' moment where you're unsure if you can ever get that romantic feeling back.


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## bobmarley (Jan 19, 2015)

I am the husband in your relationship. I can tell you first hand that you need to start flirting with him. Do the little things. love notes, pinch his butt, make cat sounds, ask him on a date, hug and kiss him, cuddle and watch a movie, sex, foreplay, etc. For guys, physical contact is all we need to smile and be happy. The other stuff reminds us throughout the day that we are wanted( I know there's a flip side and he needs to act as well. My wife doesn't do any of the above. Hasn't for years. Introvert and probably better off single. Give a lot of CONSTANT effort and physical contact(sex, foreplay, unexpected little surprises[bj,handy], dress up in lingerie, sex toys, etc. His eyes will light up. I'm telling you from experience and because I get none of that. We're guys. Simple. Sex, beer and sports make us VERY HAPPY. I can get the beer and sports myself.Try it. You may be very surprised.


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## 836710 (Sep 25, 2012)

JLD...I don't think I do. Most of the time, I've made the effort to make us work, but things just don't last. And I think because it's something that has been going on for a while, that emotionally and physically I feel drained. I hate to keep nagging, I need attention, remember I'm your wife, love me, hug me....these are simple things that my hubby should know to do. I shouldn't have to remind him.

How can I have sex with him, when I don't feel attracted to him anymore!! I don't feel the excitement or the joy of it. I have to think of something that will get me in the mood and it shouldn't be this way. It should just come with the touch or a kiss.

Our personalities, are very different. He likes to be home and I like to get out and do things. We'll go out as a family to dinner or out places, but it's always as a family. If I want a date night, I need to make the plans. I don't want to bash that he's a bad person, he's a great father, provider and he's there. I trust him! But he's just not the affectionate type and I am. He has a hard time saying I love you and I don't.

Lila, I've done counseling on my own, he refuses to participate. He feels thing will work out on it's own. I disagree.

I just miss feeling happy and excited!


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Are you looking for happiness and excite through your husband?


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

I know how you feel!! As a husband I do at least 95% of the cooking, make sure the kids are up on time to be ready for school, help them with homework etc. I'll vacuum the house clean up the kitchen, shovel the driveway brush my wife's truck off in the morning if it has snowed. 
I thank her for doing things, I initiate hugs all the time, I kiss her before she leaves for work, I'll cuddle with her in the evening while watching tv. I text her during the day to see how her day is going and to tell her I love her. 
Recently I decided to stop texting her and see if she would initiate a text to see how my day was going. Usually it ends up something like "how's your day going? What are you cooking tonight?" Aargh!!!!
I've been working on myself for almost five months. Been weightlifting, watching my diet, letting her vent to me when she gets home from work without me interrupting her. I'm at a loss, I'd love for her to just come up and give me a hug once in a while. I almost feel like she just doesn't give a sh!t if I'm around sometimes. It is very emotionally draining. Some days I think I should just start doing the 180 and GTFO!!


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

thenub said:


> I know how you feel!! As a husband I do at least 95% of the cooking, make sure the kids are up on time to be ready for school, help them with homework etc. I'll vacuum the house clean up the kitchen, shovel the driveway brush my wife's truck off in the morning if it has snowed.
> I thank her for doing things, I initiate hugs all the time, I kiss her before she leaves for work, I'll cuddle with her in the evening while watching tv. I text her during the day to see how her day is going and to tell her I love her.
> Recently I decided to stop texting her and see if she would initiate a text to see how my day was going. Usually it ends up something like "how's your day going? What are you cooking tonight?" Aargh!!!!
> I've been working on myself for almost five months. Been weightlifting, watching my diet, letting her vent to me when she gets home from work without me interrupting her. I'm at a loss, I'd love for her to just come up and give me a hug once in a while. I almost feel like she just doesn't give a sh!t if I'm around sometimes. It is very emotionally draining. Some days I think I should just start doing the 180 and GTFO!!


Go here...
The5lovelangauges.com

Both of you take the test and compare notes.

Many times partners THINK they are loving their partner, but they arent expressing it ina away that their PARTNER understands. She MIGHT be shoveling her brand of love to you in bulk. Think of it as you craving crackers and she keeps giving you milk because thats whats SHE craves. In that light, you arent getting love, but she thinks you are and doesnt understand the problem.

Simple fix.

Lila


> We're guys. Simple. Sex, beer and sports make us VERY HAPPY.


For me it's Science, Whiskey and Sex... men REALLY are that simple. 
Get us laid and we will help with dishes and listen to silly gossip all day. When we start getting tense...we get the mindset of "if you dont have time for me, I dont have time for you."

Thats about 90% of us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

836710 said:


> Lila, I've done counseling on my own, he refuses to participate. He feels thing will work out on it's own. I disagree.


He wouldn't if you told him he either goes or you're moving on.


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## 836710 (Sep 25, 2012)

toonaive...I would have hope too, but I don't know now!


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Samurai jack;
Just did the 5 love languages quiz. My language is physical touch followed closely by quality time. I sent the link to my wife so she can take the quiz when she gets home.
Now I guess I better get cooking


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

836710 said:


> Most of the time, I've made the effort to make us work, but things just don't last. And I think because it's something that has been going on for a while, that emotionally and physically I feel drained. I hate to keep nagging, I need attention, remember I'm your wife, love me, hug me....these are simple things that my hubby should know to do. I shouldn't have to remind him.
> 
> How can I have sex with him, when I don't feel attracted to him anymore!! I don't feel the excitement or the joy of it.
> 
> ...


Oy. A lot of women face this. And the thing is, when a woman's emotional needs aren't met this directly ties into her libido. Of cours eyou don't feel like having sex with him being he's not meeting your needs either. 

AHH. Especially after you've told him you wanted to do counselling and he refused. I have been in your situation before. It does get old. Fast. Because the next thing that will happen if this continues if you are going to start resenting him for not putting in any effort/dismissing your feelings - and with resentment comes a loss of respect. A loss of respect and resentment = you aren't going to want sex with him/desire it. He is going to turn you off not on. 

I'm sorry.

Sit him down and tell him you mean business.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Print this out and hand it to him:

1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.

You need to listen. A woman needs you to listen to their dreams, their concerns, the way a day has made her feel and the aftermath of her successes and failures. Listening to your wife is one way of showing her that she is not just a reflection glanced upon at the end of each day. It is a way of communicating to her that you know she is complete and important and of worth.

You need to remember. And I am not just talking birthdays and anniversaries. (Although I would strongly suggest you don't forget those.) Of course, every now and then remember to bring home your wife's favorite flower or a packet of those pens she loves or tickets to that concert she mentioned a few months back. It is amazing what the simplest gesture will do for a woman that loves you. Also remember who your sweetheart is, remember where she hopes to go, who she hopes to become. And then on the days when the world gets too big and the rooms are too small she can call on you and you can help her remember, too. It is amazing what striving to understand the woman you love will do for the life you have together.

You need to say thank you. It can be a tiring place, this happily ever after. Yes, there is love and there are kitchen dances and sweet cream baby cheeks. But there are also sleepless nights and mortgages and post baby stretch marks. Thank her for every long day and long night. Thank her for every smile and laugh out loud. Thank her for your babies. Thank her for the dreams she pursues and the ones she puts on hold. Gratitude is often an action. Show it by washing the dishes, playing with her hair, giving her time and holding her hand. But every once in a while knock her socks off by actually saying, "Thank you."

Men! Those three things! That is romance! That is courtship! That is love! And you know what gets women hot?

ROMANCE. COURTSHIP. LOVE.

2. Take her out on a date at least twice a month. Put on spiffy clothes and take her to a restaurant, museum, movie or stroll around downtown. Open her door and put your hand on the small of her back. Be the boy she fell in love with and she will be the girl that made your heart race. Making out in the car before driving home (while optional) is strongly suggested.

3. If you want your wife to treat you like a man, you have to act like a man. Your wife did not marry you in order to raise you. She does not live to wash your dishes, pick up your socks or put the kids to bed by herself while you watch the game for "just five more minutes." (Although she will happily do all of those things once in a while just because she can.) You are not her project or responsibility. There is nothing sexually appealing about a person that means more work, more worry and less freedom.

Your wife married you because she decided her life would be richer and more meaningful with you as a partner. Stop trying to prove her wrong. You are her ally in adventure, tedium, fear, joy, laundry, dishes, children, lack and plenty. There is no such thing as women's work or men's work. There is only your life's work together and she needs you to roll up your sleeves and dig in right alongside her. Cook dinner, change diapers and kiss bruised knees. You will be amazed at how much more happily (eagerly!) a woman will share her body when she knows you are there to share all the big and small parts of her life.

Side note: If I hear one more of you say you are "babysitting the kids" while your wife is gone, I will start handing out copies of The Feminine Mystique. (And nobody wants that.) They are your kids as thoroughly as they are hers. You aren't babysitting, you are parenting. When she leaves don't make her feel guilty, don't ask her to take the baby with her (she will if she wants to) and don't text or call to ask when she is coming home. They are just children, for heaven's sake. I think you can handle it.

4. She needs a moment in each day that is just about her. Your wife needs time and space, two things that are in short supply in a life full of work and play dates and pick ups. She needs room to breathe, create, to stop and do nothing at all. Every woman is different. Some of us dive into bubble baths, others walk under the stars and some (this one included) write until they find themselves at the end of a sentence. Remind her to escape. It will help her remember she wants to come back. When she returns she will be rejuvenated and renewed, the absolute opposite of, "Not tonight, honey. I am too tired." Hint. Hint.

5. It isn't any blasted fun. Yikes. There it is. The elephant in the room. Women are more likely to want to have sex when an orgasm is involved and too often, it is not. For reasons unknown, the female orgasm has been shrouded in a cloak of mystery and unattainability. (In case you were wondering, the cloak is made of polyester and really doesn't breathe well.) I have to lay the blame for the perpetuation of this myth at the feet of men. I believe the accepted reasoning goes something like this: "Female sexuality is very different from male sexuality therefore the workings behind it must be impenetrable." 

This, of course, is not true.

I had a professor that once gave the perfect description of the differences between the two sexes, ahem, "get up and go." He said male sexual arousal and orgasm was like turning on a light. Locate the switch, turn it on and let there be light. Mr. Professor then said female sexual arousal and orgasm was more like flying a plane. Once you get in the ****pit you have to flip switches and buttons in the right sequence in order to prepare for takeoff. The process is slightly more involved and yes, you have to get a feel for it. But once you do... holy cow, the sky is the limit. 

Don't be intimidated. At any given moment most men can explain the rules behind the BCS, know what is happening under the hood of their favorite car and quote stats from sports people only care about when the Olympics comes around. You guys are capable of processing information and applying it in life. That is the only skill needed here. No magic involved. Educate yourself. Read a few books. Ask her questions. Women have been having orgasms since, you know, there were women. The how to's are not a secret. Don't be embarrassed. There is nothing cringe inducing about making your wife and her needs a priority. You are learning together and my goodness, could you ask for a better lesson plan? Practice makes perfect. I hate to say it. But to get good at sex you need to have a lot of sex. I know, such a burden.

5 Reasons Your Wife Won't Have Sex With You | Meg Conley


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## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

bobmarley said:


> I Sex, beer and sports make us VERY HAPPY.


I think _the freedom to be yourself_ comes first. Think about, that you get a lot of sex, beer and sports but you are treated like a door-mat!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Shameless, no one can treat you like a doormat without your permission.


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## 836710 (Sep 25, 2012)

tunera...thank you, I will!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Lila said:


> I have to completely disagree with you on your advice that she should put more effort into having sex with her husband. The generalization that all guys are "simple" and only require "sex, beer and sports" to be happy is insulting to many men who have emotional needs as well. Men do express their love through sex but it's not the only need they have in a relationship.


You're right of course, most if not all men do also have emotional needs as well, but I think bobmarley's post was meant as a suggestion to help possibly (nothing is guaranteed) jump start his desire, which will create a good chance that he too will reciprocate by meeting her needs as well. I know he said that meeting our physical needs is all that we need to be happy, and no that's certainly not completely true, but that would be a tremendous head start.

I'm sure you'd agree that both partners need to ultimately be committed to putting forth effort in the marriage for their partner's happiness. I think the problem here is that neither spouse is putting forth any effort at this point. Waiting for the other to start trying when you aren't committed to the effort yourself is a recipe for divorce, and since she can't control his actions, the suggestion was that she could make a concerted effort on her own to try to turn this around. That doesn't mean she has to do so forever, or accept being unfulfilled by him emotionally forever, or even that any of this is her fault if she fails or chooses not to commit. Just that it's one suggestion that might prove fruitful.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

836710 said:


> JLD...I don't think I do. Most of the time, I've made the effort to make us work, but things just don't last. And I think because it's something that has been going on for a while, that emotionally and physically I feel drained. I hate to keep nagging, I need attention, remember I'm your wife, love me, hug me....these are simple things that my hubby should know to do. I shouldn't have to remind him.
> 
> How can I have sex with him, when I don't feel attracted to him anymore!! I don't feel the excitement or the joy of it. I have to think of something that will get me in the mood and it shouldn't be this way. It should just come with the touch or a kiss.
> 
> ...


I like bobmarley's suggestion, but will add that it's only one idea that could possibly help, certainly not a guarantee and I'm not suggesting that you need to do it out of obligation or anything.

As for me, I know that when my wife goes out of her way to be physical with me (everything from frequently little flirty touches, to cuddling up in bed or on the couch, to any form of sexual activity) I feel absolutely on top of the world. I feel respected, appreciated, useful, etc, and those are the things that make us guys happy in a relationship. When I feel fulfilled in those ways, I naturally respond by wanting to make my wife happy as well. Like I'll actively think of things I can do for her, or things that only she appreciates, I'll think up new compliments, gestures, gifts, plans, etc. None of this effort is fake or contrived in any way either, I happily put forth that effort out of love and appreciation. Certainly I know that my wife needs those kinds of things from me all the time, not just as some kind of "payment" for physical attention, but sometimes life gets in the way and these things happen. If I'm on cloud 9, I want her to be there with me! I think a lot of guys are this way, so maybe it's worth a try?

I'll add, that it's possible that he was putting forth a little bit of effort for a while, but if you weren't responding by meeting his needs, it makes sense how his desire to meet your needs would decline. Again I'm not trying to blame you here at all, but I would suggest that you re-read your last post and imagine if he were saying some of the same things to you. Imagine if he were to say, "I've tried and tried to do what I can to meet her needs, but she's repeatedly rejected me so many times, it's tough. I think because it's something that has been going on for so long, that emotionally and physically I feel drained. I hate to keep nagging, I need attention, remember I'm her husband, touch me, show me she desires me....these are simple things that my wife should know to do. I shouldn't have to remind her, and when I do, I don't think she has any idea how much it hurts to be denied over and over again."

Ultimately one of you have to choose to make a solid effort to save the marriage, or it's doomed anyway. I know you asked how you could possibly have sex with him if you aren't attracted to him right now.... That's a tough one, because I hate to just say "well, in sickness and in health and all that..." but I'd just suggest that maybe you try doing whatever you can handle for a while. Maybe it's just the flirtiness, the random touches, occasional cuddling, etc. Maybe it advances from there, or it doesn't. Could you try it for a couple of weeks maybe? If not, I certainly won't blame you, but maybe it's worth a shot?


Alternatively if you don't think you can commit to putting forth any effort at this point, then the best option is probably to either sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel, including that you're prepared to file for divorce at this point. If he really thinks that "everything will just work itself out on it's own" or some variation of that, then hopefully you being direct and as honest as possible with him will wake him up and have him reconsider how he feels and what he wants. (And I mean "Direct and honest", men only know how to communicate directly, so no beating around the bush or sugar coating, give it to him straight!)

Lastly if that doesn't work, file for divorce. If both of you just can't bring yourself to do anything to save the marriage, then neither of you care enough about it anyway and this is the best for everyone. And who knows, if your direct "we need to change or we're over" conversation didn't wake him up, then maybe getting served divorce papers will do the trick. That or he really doesnt' care and he'll go along with it. Either way will result in an improvement over what you have now.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

turnera said:


> Print this out and hand it to him:
> 
> 1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.
> 
> ...


Turnera, I've gotta ask, did you just write this or was this reposted from somewhere else? Good stuff.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I searched for it. The link at the bottom is the website I got it from.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

836710 said:


> JLD...I don't think I do. Most of the time, I've made the effort to make us work, but things just don't last. And I think because it's something that has been going on for a while, that emotionally and physically I feel drained. I hate to keep nagging, I need attention, remember I'm your wife, love me, hug me....these are simple things that my hubby should know to do. I shouldn't have to remind him.
> 
> How can I have sex with him, when I don't feel attracted to him anymore!! I don't feel the excitement or the joy of it. I have to think of something that will get me in the mood and it shouldn't be this way. It should just come with the touch or a kiss.
> 
> ...


I can't really say I have any advice, but just wanted to empathize with you. I'm in the exact same situation, except I'm in a reconciliation after divorce situation. It's heartbreaking to be in a relationship where you clearly state what it is that you need (which is not much!) and the other person just is not willing to fulfill those needs, but still maintains they love you. 

It leaves you at a loss . Hugs to you. I get it.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

turnera said:


> Print this out and hand it to him:
> 
> 1. Women need you to listen, they need you to remember and they need you to say thank you. We are not asking for much here.
> 
> ...


This is all great advice for the man who is willing to hear it an put effort into it. If a man isn't willing, it's just so much more of a battle .


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