# Stigma and Gossip



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I’m really struggling this week emotionally. I’ve separated from my husband and we are going to be getting a divorce, but lately my struggles are more about family/friends and their LACK of support and understanding.
I’ve had people say some really insensitive things to me.

And there is a lot of stigma around divorce, especially in my culture. A family relative called my mom last week and said: “My daughter-in-law doesn’t want to live with me anymore, we had a big fight. She said that since Orange_Pekoe stood up for herself and left her in laws/husband, she is not obliged to live with me either. Why is your daughter telling her story to my daughter-in-law.” My mom defended me of course…

I was shocked…stunned…I had confided in someone and told them MY story, I never expected the person’s mother in law to call my mom and accuse me of “teaching” things. I was so terribly hurt. And I don’t appreciate that kind of drama being introduced into my life (or my parents’ life) at a time when we are already in so much pain. I called the lady back and explained that I respect her and that none of my conversations were about her, they were all about me. And since then I’ve really kept my mouth shut and don’t confide in anyone except my parents and siblings.

Last year my uncle did and said some very hurtful things (he met my ex-husband without telling me, met my in laws without asking me, got involved in my separation without my approval and without consulting me, lied about some things). He brought my ex over to my home saying, “Surprise! Now make up…” After this incident, I told my uncle that I respect and love him and I appreciate that he was trying to make us reconcile, but that I don’t want anyone involved in my personal affairs, I’m ready to move on and I also don’t want him to contact my ex in-laws. To this day, I don’t know what they told him or what he said, but I do know that his mentality all along has been “a woman should do everything her husband says”. I am very wary around him now and don’t trust him. This is causing me considerable unrest because he’s my closest uncle and I’ve always loved him, and he’s always tried to be helpful (he helped me move etc.). But I’m at the point where I think minimum amount of contact is best. I am trying to forget the past, forgive and open my heart to him again…but I can’t trust him. I feel very uncomfortable around him. I know he criticizes me when I’m not around and that hurts too.

My dad has mental health issues so although he’s been very supportive of me in my separation, he sometimes says hurtful things like “people talk badly about us, I have the worst kids in the world.” He always feels bad afterwards and we make up…but it stings so badly. I spent all morning at work yesterday crying. 

My “best friend” (who is not my best friend anymore), also said hurtful stuff early last year. (“I want to save your marriage.” … “You can’t ever expect a husband to leave his mom, it’s unreasonable.” … “You have a temper, no wonder your in-laws don’t like you.” Mind you, she now lives with her own in laws and complains all the time.) I have been through a lot (separated, moved to a condo on my own) and she didn’t visit me in my new place…it’s been over a year! I understand she’s busy with her kids but we can certainly make time to visit a friend in need for an hour just to show we care. I’ve moved on from that friendship.

And just in general, I know there are SO MANY relatives/friends who criticize me a lot when I’m not around. Or just gossip. There’s stigma around divorce…for the longest time I tried not to care and not focus on it but it’s starting to get more difficult as time passes. I feel isolated and like I don’t have friends. I feel very much disliked. I wish I could tell everyone to mind their own business. Sometimes I wish I could move far away, but running away from problems doesn’t solve them, and I’d miss my parents. I wish I could simply STOP caring...I don't want to care what people say. But that incident of someone calling my mom really brought up a lot of pain.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you cope?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Can you find a support group, whether in person or online? I know a few friends who joined a facebook support group for our local area for divorced/single moms and have loved the support there, to talk with others who have/are going through the same thing. I think it would be good for you to meet others who have similar circumstances and you can lean on each other. Usually churches have support groups, too, if you're religious.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Not sure if this will help but you may want to read: http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindguptatoys/robustness.pdf. This seemed to help me when I was worried about the stigma of being a divorced single parent. One of the other members here recommended it to me.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Can you find a support group, whether in person or online? I know a few friends who joined a facebook support group for our local area for divorced/single moms and have loved the support there, to talk with others who have/are going through the same thing. I think it would be good for you to meet others who have similar circumstances and you can lean on each other. Usually churches have support groups, too, if you're religious.


I've recently looked for meet ups of divorced/separated people in my area, there's one I'm interested in actually. Thank you for the good advice. Maybe meeting supportive people will help me overlook the unsupportive ones.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

volley said:


> Not sure if this will help but you may want to read: http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindguptatoys/robustness.pdf. This seemed to help me when I was worried about the stigma of being a divorced single parent. One of the other members here recommended it to me.


The link doesn't work?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Orange... if you don't mind sharing, what nationality are you?

I'm having a really hard time understanding why all these people presume living with in-laws is the norm, and quite frankly why they are all meddling so much.

Is separation/divorce shunned in your culture? Are you all native born Americans or a different culture altogether? Or is it a religious issue? It doesn't quite make sense...


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> The link doesn't work?


Sorry, it should be: http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Orange... if you don't mind sharing, what nationality are you?
> 
> I'm having a really hard time understanding why all these people presume living with in-laws is the norm, and quite frankly why they are all meddling so much.
> 
> Is separation/divorce shunned in your culture? Are you all native born Americans or a different culture altogether? Or is it a religious issue? It doesn't quite make sense...


I'm not American, and yes living with in laws used to be considered normal for my parents generation (not for the new generation though). It's cultural not religious.

They are indeed meddling too much, it pisses me off. I think it's my fault in some way because I confided in them when I should have just kept my mouth shut. Lesson learned.

From what I know, divorce is looked down upon in most cultures and religions...so that should not come as a surprise.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

volley said:


> Orange_Pekoe said:
> 
> 
> > The link doesn't work?
> ...


Thank you, looks like a good read.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You can't really control people's reactions, only your own. 

I know what it feels like to get zero support, because I had none during my initial separation. I was really on my own. Some people I told and thought I could trust let me down. Two women really gave me a needed boost and to this day they are my two only and best female friends. 

As much as you may need or want to vent, I'd recommend you not do it to family. Maybe find a neutral 3rd party, like a therapist. Thats what I did.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

peacem said:


> I remember reading somewhere "..what they think of me is none of my business" and I think it is true. People will always criticize, make their own gossip and assumptions and generally behave ****ty towards other human beings. The key is to surround yourself with kinder people, learn from your past, and recognise that people judge others because it makes them feel better. These things make us a better judge of character.
> 
> The woman who rang your mother up was scapegoating you. It is a very common reaction when people are hurting or are angry. Shrug and move on.


Thanks, I really needed to hear this, it helped.
That's a good quote to remember.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Satya said:


> You can't really control people's reactions, only your own.
> 
> I know what it feels like to get zero support, because I had none during my initial separation. I was really on my own. Some people I told and thought I could trust let me down. Two women really gave me a needed boost and to this day they are my two only and best female friends.
> 
> As much as you may need or want to vent, I'd recommend you not do it to family. Maybe find a neutral 3rd party, like a therapist. Thats what I did.


I went to a counsellor for a couple months but I had to stop because my separation means I'm surviving on single income. I can't really afford $130 per session every other week on top of all the bills I already have to pay. 

We have something in common...I found only 2 "true" friends as well throughout this ordeal.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

volley said:


> Sorry, it should be: http://www.arvindguptatoys.com/arvindgupta/tonyawareness.pdf


I wanted to thank you for this link.
I've been reading it and it's made a tremendous difference in how I view things, I feel more light-hearted. Plus I love spiritual books. I'm not Christian so those parts simply did not apply to me, and I took great lessons from the rest...

Thank you!


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