# Appropriate for daughter?



## answers (Mar 17, 2010)

Not sure if my topic is O.K. on this forum, but I thought I would try it anyway. A recent event has created some strong disagreement with my wife. 

My wife is quite conservative. She dresses nice, but not at all "sexy". She and I are also careful to watch how our 13 year old daughter dresses. Our daughter is a good girl with a pretty level head, but she is just now noticing the boys around her more. My wife recently made her get rid of some clothes a freind had given because they were too "revealing" (shirts were a little too low cut, etc....).

So I was quite confused to see that my wife purchased a pair of a sexy, lacey style of underwear for my daughter recently. My wife buys all of her own underwear at Victoria Secret. Most are very plain. Even the thongs she wears under her workout shorts are just plain, tan colored thongs. Nothing fancy. This pair of panties she bought for our daughter is not anything like lingerie, but they are made of a black, lacey, see-through fabric with a zebra pattern on the crotch area. I think they are called "hipphugger" style panties. 

I have always trusted my wife's judgement, but I am struggling with this one. Her feeling is that 13-year old girls start to like the fancy and lacey style underwear (vs. the "little girl" panties"), and that I really shouldn't be concerned. But why would my wife be comfortable letting my daughter wear sexier panties than she even wears, when she doesn't even let my daughter wear shirts that show any clevage?

I'm confused.....

Any insights for a sensitive dad?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

My first thought is that no one will see this underwear - unlike a low cut blouse. This may make your daughter feel "special" while not drawing direct attention to herself.

My girls are 10 and 7 - and I'm terrified of what's coming - but I think your wife's explanation is reasonable even though its a scary (especially for us Dads) reminder that they are growing up.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

I understand how you feel, but young ladies should have some "girlie" items. I think your Wife just felt that no one would be seeing them, so why not?

If you are too strict with your daughter, she'll rebel. Let her have the panties--at 13 years of age, I see no harm in it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Make sure you have plenty of frank discussions with your daughter about how boys are. Conservative parents often think if they just say no, their kids will fall in line, but it's the honesty and openness that keeps them from straying. She needs to hear from both of you. I made sure I told my D19 that she will have plenty of relationships in junior and senior high, but they are unlikely to last, as kids are 'trying on' each other to learn how to act in adulthood. That way, those childhood 'loves' won't be the end of the world, they won't be as likely to give in to a guy just to keep him, etc.

There's a great website created by a father, for people with daughters your age, called Daughters.com. D19 and I sat down and read the stuff on there together, and it gave us plenty of opportunities to discuss things like what you're asking about.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

I agree with your wife here. No one will see the panties like the would with low cut blouses or short skirts etc. Girls like to have things like that, it makes you feel ... I don't know what the word is, but it is a mood lifter, even though you are the only one who knows you are wearing them. That's how I was at that age. I'm 26 now. Still feel that way. 

I think it is tradition that dads bulk on that kind of stuff though


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Personally I would be embarrassed if my father controlled what kind of underwear I get to wear. I think this should be between mother and daughter until the daughter is old enough to do her own shopping lol I doubt that any "normal" mother would buy something sexy for a 13yr old with any other intention besides "just for fun". Girls like cute and sexy stuff and it's simply fun to wear things like that, even if no one is going to see it.


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## DeeKay1 (Mar 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> Make sure you have plenty of frank discussions with your daughter about how boys are. Conservative parents often think if they just say no, their kids will fall in line, but it's the honesty and openness that keeps them from straying. She needs to hear from both of you. I made sure I told my D19 that she will have plenty of relationships in junior and senior high, but they are unlikely to last, as kids are 'trying on' each other to learn how to act in adulthood. That way, those childhood 'loves' won't be the end of the world, they won't be as likely to give in to a guy just to keep him, etc.
> 
> There's a great website created by a father, for people with daughters your age, called Daughters.com. D19 and I sat down and read the stuff on there together, and it gave us plenty of opportunities to discuss things like what you're asking about.


Yes, definitely make sure that you and your wife have the "sex talk" with your daughter sometime in the not-too-distant future. And, make sure that that talk is an in-depth one that covers a wide range of issues such as how to make good decisions, consequences of decisions, personal values, the concept of "being in love," STD's, abortion, peer pressure, self-discipline, etc.

Also, try not to be like many "liberal" parents whose "sex talk" with their daughter might sound something like this: "When you have sex, and you WILL have sex, make sure you use birth control and make sure the guy wears a condom so you don't get pregnant or get a sexually-transmitted disease."

Be sure to tell your daughter that she has the option of having sex before marriage or waiting until after she's married, and that the decision is totally up to her. Today's teenage girls are growing up in a society where it's assumed that they are going to have sex outside of marriage, whereas, in reality, not all girls choose to go that route.

And, remember to tell your daughters this: If they do get pregnant, there's a very strong chance that the guy that got them pregnant will leave leave your daughter "holding the bag." In other words, the guy will leave the girl to deal with the pregnancy all by herself.

In most cases, the guy will encourage the girl to get an abortion, and if he's a real "gem of a guy" he'll actually pay for the abortion. But, be assured that he won't be around to help her raise the child or deal with the psychological consequences that she'll have to deal with after the abortion, if she chooses to terminate the pregnancy.

And, tell her that once a guy finds out that he got the girl pregnant, he'll undoubtedly "run like hell" in the other direction.


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## answers (Mar 17, 2010)

Thanks for the great responses. I am feeling better now. I trust my wife's judgement, but this one bothered me a little. I just don't think I fully understand how a 13-year old girl's mind works sometimes. Unfortunately, I fully understand how the 13-year old boy's mind works....I love my daughter, and want the best for her. My final response to my wife was simple. I will stop worrying about it as long as she has it under control, AND as long as I never see anything "lacey" showing from my daughter's low cut jeans. She agreed.

Sex talk. I am thankful to have a daughter that is not shy abuot these type of things with us. She and I have had in depth discussions, and my wife had gone 10x deeper than I have. We are a very "conservative" family, so our discussions are far from liberal on this subject. As everyone knows, there is a balancing act parents have to do these days, but we are not shy about open discussion with our kids. We have a neice who just got pregnant (age 17 unwed). It has been a huge ugly ordeal within the family, and my daughter is watching from the sidelines. I feel bad for my neice, but I hope the timing of this unfortunate event will be good for my girl.

Thanks again for helping me better understand the underwear situation. I don't apologize for being sensitive on this type of thing, but need to make sure I understand all the factors before I get whacked out.


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