# FB Boundaries - I Need 'Em?



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Rant regarding Facebook and hubby's family... /ON!

Apparently hubby's family feels that I should only generate positive, happy Facebook statuses. Well life doesn't work like that. I'm used to just putting whatever in the heck I feel like up there, and oftentimes my statuses turn into very long discussions about the topic. My FB is generally for friends only, and I don't write anything that I wouldn't talk about it to any one person on there anyways, including my relationship troubles, if they're bothering me. I'm also not saying anything in a way that could be considered "slander" or "libel".

Now they see it as me painting myself the victim. I could care less what they, or anyone else thinks. Actually, I AM a victim - of my own stupid bullheadedness/unrealistic optimism regarding hubby. I do get frustrated with myself and my situation. And perhaps... As immature as it seems, maybe I do want to out him sometimes for being the enormous jerk he is. I never, ever state names - but more or less phrase things in a manner that I could be talking about any two people who are married, or commenting on a news story.

Example from last year:

"What kind of man takes off on his pregnant wife while she's in the store?"

- NOT -

"My stupid husband left me at the Walgreens and went home!"

(This really did happen. I went inside a Walgreens to fill a prescription, and when I came outside - this is at night, nowhere near home, mind you - my husband was GONE. He'd actually driven home because he "thought" he saw me leave. And we both had cell phones... He hadn't even bothered to call me? I was 5 months pregnant at the time)!!

So, on one hand, I am airing my dirty laundry, so to speak, and on the other, I don't feel like I should censor myself and my page for anyone else's comfort. If they don't like it, they don't have to read it! They're a bunch of righteous "rug-sweepers" anyways. My husband never does anything wrong in their eyes - that really bugs me. When I'm out of line, my family is quick to let me know... Not tell me it's okay that I did 'this or that'... All because [insert excuses here].

They honestly think my husband is a victim of ME. That he's just some poor lost soul being manipulated and controlled by a selfish, crazy woman. 

The last time I was called "manipulative" I was quick to point out that in order to be manipulative, I have to have a certain stake in the outcome. And I don't. I just don't care.

I'm quick to balance positives and negatives - interestingly enough, they have nothing to say when I offer praise and thanks to my husband for the good times we have. Seriously - not even a "like". 

Give it to me straight - should I just shut my trap, or is it okay to talk about situations in a way that is non-specific, such as in the example above?

Or maybe... Just delete the two people who have problems with it? 
Done ranting! Thanks for reading!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If anyone needs an outlet to vent it's you.

My sincere advice is to create a special group and put your husband's family in it. Allow them to only see the generic, rug sweeping, positive comments. They won't even see the rants and you won't have to listen to them complain about it. And you continue to get the support that you need. Win/win.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

You could tell them to eff off. Wait, that's what I would do. Seriously Yin, you are such a sweet, young woman.....why do you put up with any of this crap? I sooooo wish you lived near me.


----------



## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Obviously, they have already made up their minds about who you are, so no matter what you do or type, you will always be whatever negative image that they already have about you.

Your facebook page, your status, block them or ignore them altogether.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

That's a really good idea... A few questions though... Will they know they aren't seeing all of my statuses, and will they know they're in a "group"? I'm not even sure I can figure out how to do it. :/

In a normal circumstance I would just delete them, but since they are in another state, I'm sure they do enjoy seeing photos of our baby. (They haven't visited yet, but I'm looking forward to it)!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh pidge - we've had some rough moments in the past... My sister and his grandmother (mouthy old woman... I actually like that about her!) Getting into it. I've told his family in not so many words where they can stick it. They way I see it, I'm not leaving this huge banner on THEIR page, so why come to mine and tell me what to do with it?

I wish I lived closer to you, too, Pidgey  I could use a friend any day of the week! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> That's a really good idea... A few questions though... Will they know they aren't seeing all of my statuses, and will they know they're in a "group"? I'm not even sure I can figure out how to do it. :/


They won't know a thing unless someone tells them. This way they can see baby pictures and only statuses you wish for them to see. Only the friends you chose get to see everything.

I loathe FB so I'm not on it but I know it can be done. I've heard too many people talk about it. You could create a family group and put them in it. Then when you share news you pick which groups get to read it. All, family, friends only, etc. I think it's easy. 

They might notice you're not posting as much as usual and you just tell them you've been "busy". LOL


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Oh I'll be busy alright... Trying to figure out how to do this group thing! LoL!  Thanks for the suggestion... I think it's the ideal resolution.  Thanks again for the idea! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I agree with them. You can't control anyone else's beahvior, but you can control yours. And airing this kind of stuff for the public to see is classless and disrespectful. Talk to him about it, not the world. Or talk to your best friends about it if you need to vent. Why do you feel the need to post it anywhere? What's wrong with the telephone if you need to tell friends about it? Posting it for all your friends and family and his friends and family to see is not helpful and just really shows a total lack of respect for him. If you really feel that way about him, just leave already.

Note, I'm not defending anything he's done, just think your way of handling it is very wrong.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Drover said:


> I agree with them. You can't control anyone else's beahvior, but you can control yours. And airing this kind of stuff for the public to see is classless and disrespectful. Talk to him about it, not the world. Or talk to your best friends about it if you need to vent. Why do you feel the need to post it anywhere? What's wrong with the telephone if you need to tell friends about it? Posting it for all your friends and family and his friends and family to see is not helpful and just really shows a total lack of respect for him. If you really feel that way about him, just leave already.
> 
> Note, I'm not defending anything he's done, just think your way of handling it is very wrong.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Now they see it as me painting myself the victim. I could care less what they, or anyone else thinks. Actually, I AM a victim - of my own stupid bullheadedness/unrealistic optimism regarding hubby. I do get frustrated with myself and my situation. And perhaps... As immature as it seems, maybe I do want to out him sometimes for being the enormous jerk he is. I never, ever state names - but more or less phrase things in a manner that I could be talking about any two people who are married, or commenting on a news story.
> 
> Example from last year:
> 
> ...


I won't disagree with your need to vent. You deserve it. I think there is some decent advice you have already gotten.

I will say that you need to own your own behavior. When you post husband/wife interaction comments, people will assume it is about you unless you include a link to a story about the behavior by others. This comes across as a bit passive-aggressive - you get to vent, then hide by saying that it was not necessarily about you and your husband. You need to avoid that unhealthy behavior.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Drover - thanks for your opinion, that's pretty much how they feel. Like I said, I could understand it if I named names, yes that would be trashy - but it is my opinion that posing these scenario-type statuses in a non-specific manner is not. Many times I've posted about something completely unrelated to my personal life and they've taken offense to it, because they never even bothered to ask me what I was referring to... And instead of ASKING me, they flame me without ever knowing that I was indeed talking about a local story! It's okay though, because I don't feel the need to censor their opinions. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You guys have NO IDEA what Yin's husband is like. This may not be the ideal way to handle it but at the moment it's all she's got and she needs it.

This ain't no normal run of the mill guy who will respond to a rational conversation. Not.Even.Close.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I admit, I'm adopting passive-aggressive behaviors. I'd much rather be direct because that is who I truly am. I guess I was raised in a shameless family where nothing is off limits...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I admit, I'm adopting passive-aggressive behaviors. I'd much rather be direct because that is who I truly am. I guess I was raised in a shameless family where nothing is off limits...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Direct won't work with your husband. If it did you wouldn't be on TAM.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

>>>I could care less what they, or anyone else thinks.

I think you need to get here, where you don't care so much what they think.

>>>interestingly enough, they have nothing to say when I offer praise and thanks to my husband for the good times we have. Seriously - not even a "like".

I think you are here, where you obviously still care what they think.

I don't have much in the way of FB advice since I can't stand it, for just these sorts of reasons!


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

That's true. He will not talk to me without the name-calling and veiled insults most times. Trust me, I'd give my right arm just to be able to have a heart to heart with him about things. I love my husband because I believe inside of him is a wonderful person. I've seen it before. Unfortunately fear and this severely inhibited upbringing have left him completely unable to handle conflict and confrontation.

I understand the way his family feels - but I'm not going to change who I am for them. I use tact and yes, passive-aggressiveness now to dull down what I really want to say, but I'm not going to not speak my mind. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Direct won't work with your husband. If it did you wouldn't be on TAM.


While I agree (from what I have read about their relationship), that is no excuse for passive-aggressive behavior. That is just an unhealthy way to deal with things, and one she should avoid. She can't let his actions determine how she interacts with people.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I agree with Angel. I see much of this on FB as well, between adults and they just come across as immature. Its almost like something teenagers would do. Its childish and not productive. 

The bottom line to this whole thing, is, rid yourself of the situation. As in, get out of it! Its unhealthy, unproductive, its destroying whats left of your self worth.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Drover - thanks for your opinion, that's pretty much how they feel. Like I said, I could understand it if I named names, yes that would be trashy - but it is my opinion that posing these scenario-type statuses in a non-specific manner is not. Many times I've posted about something completely unrelated to my personal life and they've taken offense to it, because they never even bothered to ask me what I was referring to... And instead of ASKING me, they flame me without ever knowing that I was indeed talking about a local story! It's okay though, because I don't feel the need to censor their opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Regardless of whether you name names, you have to know that everyone on your FB knows who you're talking about. By the way, them flaming you back is just as bad. Why start some kind of FB war over marital issues...unless you're hoping for your own reality show.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> While I agree (from what I have read about their relationship), that is no excuse for passive-aggressive behavior. That is just an unhealthy way to deal with things, and one she should avoid. She can't let his actions determine how she interacts with people.


I think it's a process and yes many get stuck there. I don't think she's ready to do much more than being PA right now and it's okay. She's got a baby and can't just bail. She needs to find her strength and many times it starts by telling the truth. On FB she is telling the truth about how she is being treated. Eventually the plan would be to rise about truth telling/victim status and move on to surviver then to thriving. But anyone whose ever been abused can't go straight to thriving. There are many steps in between.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You guys have NO IDEA what Yin's husband is like. This may not be the ideal way to handle it but at the moment it's all she's got and she needs it.
> 
> This ain't no normal run of the mill guy who will respond to a rational conversation. Not.Even.Close.


Like I said, she can't control his trashy behavior. She can control her own.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I'm not going to not speak my mind. :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one is suggesting you don't speak your mind. We're suggesting you speak your mind in an appropriate way to the appropriate people...again, unless you're goal is to get your own reality TV show.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Personally I`d have a serious problem with my wife airing our problems in such a personal social forum.

It`d stop or some bad **** would happen.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Personally I`d have a serious problem with my wife airing our problems in such a personal social forum.
> 
> It`d stop or some bad **** would happen.


Yin has had quite enough bad sh!t happen.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Personally I`d have a serious problem with my wife airing our problems in such a personal social forum.
> 
> It`d stop or some bad **** would happen.


But you aren't abusing your wife. 

I wish you guys would read her backstory before you jumped on her.

I've said it before and I'll say it again Yin's husband is a bad guy.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> But you aren't abusing your wife.
> 
> I wish you guys would read her backstory before you jumped on her.
> 
> I've said it before and I'll say it again Yin's husband is a bad guy.


:iagree:


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> I've said it before and I'll say it again Yin's husband is a bad guy.


That is why she needs to remove herself from the situation. I have read her back story, its quite awful.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Initially, I wanted to get outside opinions on situations, and was very direct about that. The way I was raised, you can talk to your family about these things, and there wasn't any shame in it.

Over time, I've learned (indirectly) that they obviously don't feel the same way. Even when I have emailed his mother and grandmother for advice the only thing they do is tell me to turn to God. I don't feel like that is my only option, and they didn't seem to have anything else to offer up. A lot of my friends and family whom I am close to, who know me well, and are wise people CAN offer me other insight, or even just understanding. Not so much anymore, since I felt the need to pick my words carefully. Like I said, I'm not saying ANYTHING at all that I wouldn't share with them face to face.

My husband, surprisingly, has yielded some positive reinforcement in the past, after seeing the other points of view represented by friends and family. No, he probably won't change... But those few instances where he has come to me and apologized about a particular situation really helped me to believe there is a better person inside. It just takes the "right" thing to get him to open up. I'm not holding my breath for him to change... Some days I'm just hanging on minute by minute. I try to keep "for better or worse" in the back of my mind whenever things get tough. It's a lot more often than I'd like to think...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> But you aren't abusing your wife.
> 
> I wish you guys would read her backstory before you jumped on her.
> 
> I've said it before and I'll say it again Yin's husband is a bad guy.


I have read it. I am not jumping on her. I am fine with her venting. What I am noting is that she is falling into a bad habit, one that can be unhealthy for her. I hope she can get herself straight and figure things out.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> But you aren't abusing your wife.
> 
> I wish you guys would read her backstory before you jumped on her.
> 
> I've said it before and I'll say it again Yin's husband is a bad guy.


Her husband is a bad guy so she should lower herself to this kind of stuff?

I disagree Mavash.

Regardless if what kind of relationship I'm in (good or bad) this isn't acceptable to me.
It just exasperates her problems & quite honestly is probably one of the things that makes him " a bad guy"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

I understand how you feel. Going thru divorce and custody, I started venting alot on FB and in hindsight, it was not a very good thing to do. I can understand a teenager doing it but if you are an adult, I would suggest not.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Her husband is a bad guy so she should lower herself to this kind of stuff?
> 
> I disagree Mavash.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, correct me if I am wrong but, are you saying Yin is causing him to be an ass? While I am sure her venting probably does _exacerbate_ the situation, she is in no way any more responsible for how he acts than he is for her actions. Like my psych said to me when I had a problem getting physical with people, I CHOSE to act that way. No one MADE me hit them. I CHOSE to do so.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well, I'm glad I can vent here... 

Is posing a statement or question really that bad? Yes because it's passive aggressive and no, directness isn't acceptable, either, because it's trashy.

So, if anyone has constructive suggestions to vent maturely, I'm open.

And because everyone in his family is also PA, there is usually no heated banter between us. It's usually a surface discussion on the scenario.

I guess I'd hoped A.) Exposure may stop the abuse and hold him accountable and B.) That asking friends and family for their advice (early on, I no longer do this), will allow me in on some of their wisdom...

The family in question will state publicly that it is none of their business, yet engage in gossip behind my back. I'm thinking they really don't see me reaching out to them for advice. More or less they think I want attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SouthernBelle82 (Jun 18, 2012)

I just wanted to let you know, in case you didn't know already, that there is a feature on FB that allows you to put people on a restricted list. That means they can only see posts that are public. I have used this feature on a few people who didn't like the fact that I speak my mind on my FB page. It really helped! Maybe so that you don't have to go to the drastic measure of deleting them, you could enable that restricted feature on the offenders.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> I'm sorry, correct me if I am wrong but, are you saying Yin is causing him to be an ass? While I am sure her venting probably does _exacerbate_ the situation, she is in no way any more responsible for how he acts than he is for her actions. Like my psych said to me when I had a problem getting physical with people, I CHOSE to act that way. No one MADE me hit them. I CHOSE to do so.


No pidge I`m not saying she`s at fault for his asshattery.

I`m saying this type of behavior exasperates asshattery.

It`s just going to make it all worse rather than help matters


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Well, I'm glad I can vent here...
> 
> Is posing a statement or question really that bad? Yes because it's passive aggressive and no, directness isn't acceptable, either, because it's trashy.


To be clear, I don't disagree with you for making the statements. If you feel that FB is the best place to vent, than I am for that.

Where I gently suggest a different course is being direct versus passive-aggressive. As you note, you won't win, so work at being healthy in how you communicate. You can't control others, so make sure that you don't let their bad behavior control how you react.

I do wish you well.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> I guess I'd hoped A.) Exposure may stop the abuse and hold him accountable and B.) That asking friends and family for their advice (early on, I no longer do this), will allow me in on some of their wisdom...
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The best kind of "exposure" would be to go to the police IMO. "Exposing" him on FB is not likely to stop him from doing what he is doing, it could actually make it worse, especially if he is one of these people who feel no remorse for what he does. 

IMO, get your ducks in a row, get out of the situation, then if you really need to post something on FB, put up how you finally got out of an abusive situation, and you are moving on with your life.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

tacoma said:


> No pidge I`m not saying she`s at fault for his asshattery.
> 
> I`m saying this type of behavior exasperates asshattery.
> 
> It`s just going to make it all worse rather than help matters


I think I'm starting to see your point.

My parents are asses and had I aired my dirty laundry on FB I would have been an ass too. But at the time I seriously wouldn't have been ready to do anything else? Why? Because I wasn't even sure if I was being abused and I would have sought out others opinions. Living with someone like Yin's husband makes you question your very sanity. You begin to think abuse is normal. 

FB wasn't around but there were boards so I vented there. They assured me I was in fact being abused and the more truth I told the more I began to get the strength to stand up for myself.

Maybe this issue you have is that it's FB and it's public. Maybe she should find a board for people married to narcissisits. Maybe she should find support that's more private instead of airing it on FB.

Just a thought. 

PS Yin I still don't fault you for what you are doing. I totally get it. Seriously.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I really think the husband's abuse of the OP is independent of the OP's choice to air dirty laundry publicly.

I don't know what other choices there really are for the OP though - the obvious choice for the OP to leave or directly repair is not on the table at the moment, and her husband/in-laws also seem determined to continue as is, so...


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I guess I'd hoped A.) Exposure may stop the abuse and hold him accountable and B.) That asking friends and family for their advice (early on, I no longer do this), will allow me in on some of their wisdom...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand and actually felt the same way. 




YinPrincess said:


> I'm thinking they really don't see me reaching out to them for advice. More or less they think I want attention.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thats actually the way it does come across or so I have been told. A good friend kinda pulled me to the side and let me know, I was looking more like I wanted attention and people to be on my side than anything else and it wasnt helping anything and only made matters worse actually. Not to mention, affect it can have on kids if they read it, even if years later. Whats on the internet doesnt ever go away.. just sayin.. 

BUT I do understand your position and feeling that way!


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I'm going to say air it out on FB. WHY? Because it seems its what you really want to do. Then sit back and watch reactions, comments, responses etc. 

If you have no plan to leave, then go ahead and put it out there, what do you have to lose right? You already know you are dealing with some lose cannons. If its all you feel you can do at this point, then go for it.


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Because I wasn't even sure if I was being abused.




Thats confusing to me and I am sure its me being naive but how can you not know if you are being abused?


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Santa said:


> Thats confusing to me and I am sure its me being naive but how can you not know if you are being abused?


When you are abused long enough, you feel it is the norm.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Trey69 - Unfortunately, going to the police because my husband calls me names and insults me isn't going to do anything. If we argue they'll just ask him to leave for awhile.

Mavash, thanks for understanding where I'm coming from. Part of the problem I'm experiencing is I didn't know how his family was feeling because they were telling me one thing and telling my hubby another. (Yeah - he "accidentally" showed me an email from his mother). She was actually talking to me and making excuses for her son, and at the same time emailing him and talking to him as though he were the one in an abusive relationship.

:sigh: Some days I feel so isolated. I can't see my family anymore because he doesn't "feel like it" and he has control over the only vehicle we have.

Yesterday was Father's Day and all I wanted was to see my step-dad and BIL, both of whom I am close to, and need a lot for their "male" support and perspective, and I couldn't even go see them.

You know what my husband wanted to do? Sit around the house and gripe about how hot it was. What a waste of a day! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Santa said:


> Thats confusing to me and I am sure its me being naive but how can you not know if you are being abused?


Some people are cleaver at mentally/emotionally destroying/abusing another person. That sometimes can be a little more subtle and confusing than someone who physically smacks you across the face.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Yin, what if you were to use the "note" function on Facebook? You can set the notes to be public, only for you to see, or certain groups... AND you can tag specific friends if you wish. I have done this myself. It gets my thoughts vented, and it isn't "out there" to be picked apart by every. single. person.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Santa said:


> Thats confusing to me and I am sure its me being naive but how can you not know if you are being abused?


I was abused from birth. How would I know anything else?


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> When you are abused long enough, you feel it is the norm.


So you think black eyes, etc are commonplace and normal in a marriage? WTH? 

Guess I just cant imagine that..


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

If you vent on FB, are you going to make just statements on the issue, or are you going to ask questions? If asking questions, what kind of advice are you hoping for? My guess is, whether they are statements or questions, you may get some of the same kind of feedback there as you have here. As far as exposure of him, who knows how that will go over. I doubt it will stop him from doing what he is doing.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Santa said:


> So you think black eyes, etc are commonplace and normal in a marriage? WTH?
> 
> Guess I just cant imagine that..


Actually, I was speaking of my childhood experiences. In Yin's marriage she is beaten down on an almost daily basis. She doesn't really know any different therefore she is unsure of what is considered abuse.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Maricha - that's another really good suggestion.

I've been back and forth from this thread to FB trying to figure out some of the features. I'm not sure I get all of them in mobile... But I will definitely try that. It might be a good way to journal the events and get feedback on the entries as well... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> Some people are cleaver at mentally/emotionally destroying/abusing another person. That sometimes can be a little more subtle and confusing than someone who physically smacks you across the face.


I guess I just dont get that.. 

If thats the case, I am abused and I dont feel abused at all. 
Maybe more like I feel stupid for putting up with it when I shouldnt but still, thats my choice to stick around, so its hard to say its abuse, in my book. 

Unless they have Jedi Mind Trick powers, I just dont buy into mental/emotional abuse and I am sure I will get bombardied with post bashing me for it but I am being honest. I just dont see. 


If he talks to you like a ******* top the point you dont like it. Leave. I am sure I am just being naive, like I said and I apoligize in advance if it offends anyone. I just dont see it as real abuse as in "calling police" etc.


Again, I am sorry and didnt mean to sidetrack thread. I was just confused and trying to undertsand is all. Sorry..


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Santa - not all abuse is physical. I've learned that there is also emotional and mental abuse - where someone tries to control you, manipulate you, threaten you, put you down, use veiled insults and call you names. These are all abusive traits that leave no marks on your body. They can, however, drive you to think you are crazy, and sometimes even suicidal. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

> Unless they have Jedi Mind Trick powers, I just dont buy into mental/emotional abuse and I am sure I will get bombardied with post bashing me for it but I am being honest. I just dont see.


Holy Hell Batman! You have no clue. The emotional, verbal and mental abuse my mother coated me with has screwed me up WAY worse than her beatings.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Santa said:


> If he talks to you like a ******* top the point you dont like it. Leave.


It's really not that easy. I wish it were. I can't just pack up my infant daughter and leave without a car or cash or a destination. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

True story! Someone in my friends list on FB wanted to "vent" about her abusive situation not to long ago. 

She got all kinds pf responses. She may not really have been looking for any but, on FB chances are, you are gonna get them anyway. The bad thing is, she got more slack about herself and why she stayed etc, etc, than about her husband who was doing the abusing. I'm sure in her mind, her venting on the issue was to maybe try and "expose" her husband as well, however, in her attempt at exposing what her husband was doing, she "exposed" herself as well, by showing the lack of respect she had for herself by staying. She got some harsh remarks such as, why she was staying with such a loser, to, you have low self esteem, get out before he kills you, to You are allowing it etc, and the list goes on. Another thing that happened was someone in her friends list called the police, going by what she had said on FB. When her husband found out, he went more ballistic and beat her some more. Yes he was arrested, but let right back out after posting bail, and yes, she is still with him! 

I'm by no means saying that is what would or wouldn't happen in your case, because I do not know that for sure. I'm just saying if you choose to go the venting on FB route, be careful what you say.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Yin,

No...just, no.

Facebook is not a good place to air dirty laundry. There are so many people who can see everything you post. So you really want to share that you are in an abusive relationship with the world in that way? Also, yes - I agree it is disrespectful to your husband. Understand that even if he's a world class piece of sh!t, he still has a family and other people in his life who love him and will always love him. Its not your place to convince them otherwise. Respect that they feel that way.

There are so many privacy settings on facebook. Use them. (You need to log on from a PC to do it, the app is awful.) 

Its ok to vent, but please think before you do it. I am glad to hear you have family that you can talk to...call them, message them privately, find another way to get that support you need.

I have my facebook so locked down, only my closest layer of friends can read my status and see my pictures. Family is outside of that layer, distant friends and coworkers even farther outside the ring. And I never even post anything beyond the mundane. 

I don't know if you work, but employers often look employees up on facebook. More and more places are using this as their first level of background check. I know you might not think it matters but would you really want someone to judge you based on things you post or know about your narraige problems?

Bottomline, you really don't need an audience. Unless, as someone else said, you are hoping for the next reality show.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> It's really not that easy. I wish it were. I can't just pack up my infant daughter and leave without a car or cash or a destination.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is easy to call a women's shelter and explain the situation. They will likely have someone come pick you and your daughter up (when your husband isn't home), until further arrangements can be made.

Fear and excuses are holding you back. I'm sure you are aware of that and I can also understand it, BUT you gotta start somewhere. Whats that saying..."Insanity="doing the same things over and over again expecting different results!" Time to do something different.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*Originally Posted by YinPrincess View Post
It's really not that easy. I wish it were. I can't just pack up my infant daughter and leave without a car or cash or a destination. *

It's probably easier than staying in this negative relationship. IF your daughter came to you (I know, she's an infant....just sayin') with a situation like yours, how would you advise her? THIS is the kind of atmosphere you want her to grow up in? 

Call your sister. Just move out. Don't discuss it with him, don't ask what he wants, don't ask him to change. Just get out, and work your butt off to a more positive life for you and your daughter.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Jamison said:


> It is easy to call a women's shelter and explain the situation. They will likely have someone come pick you and your daughter up (when your husband isn't home), until further arrangements can be made.
> 
> Fear and excuses are holding you back. I'm sure you are aware of that and I can also understand it, BUT you gotta start somewhere. Whats that saying..."Insanity="doing the same things over and over again expecting different results!" Time to do something different.


:iagree:
So true! Its about making changes within yourself, and putting one foot in front of the other.


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Holy Hell Batman! You have no clue. The emotional, verbal and mental abuse my mother coated me with has screwed me up WAY worse than her beatings.


I can understand that more. You have no choice who is your mother or her being in your life. 

As adults, our SO is totally a different story. 

My wife has cursed me like a dog almost daily, belittles me in fron of kids, manipulated me to get whatever she wants, and used our child as leverage to do what she wants. Still, if I choose to stick around, its my choice and I cant claim to be a victum. So if anyone is abusing me, its because I allow it to some degree. 


I am just at the point of not allowing it in my life anymore. People will do to us, what we allow them them to do to us. 


I could sit here and b*tch about my wife and her actions everyday but nothing will change unless I make it change. If I choose not to, and continue to let her "mentally/emotionallly abuse" me, then I am allowing that and can't look any further than the mirror. 

Maybe its differrent with men and women in this kind of situation.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

As far as the shelter thing - I've been there and done that. You may not know this, but they forbid you to tell anyone your location or where you are staying. INCLUDING family. I'm not willing to go to that extreme again.

As for my sister, I've been talking with extensively about returning. I'm just not getting the feeling that she really wants me to stay longer than a week or two to "cool off".

Somehow I need to find myself a job and start saving money for my own place. That way my dogs won't risk being taken to the shelter, either. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> It's really not that easy. I wish it were. I can't just pack up my infant daughter and leave without a car or cash or a destination.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can understand that!! That has to be tough!! I am sure with an infant it has to be double tough, I'm sure. 


If it keeps going on, get a job (if you dont have one) and save up your money and get a car. Save up and then get a place, etc. Just get out if thats what you need. 

I know its easier said than done, but you can do it!


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It IS easier said than done, but I did it before and spent a year homeless, living out of my car, (which I no longer have).

I think those times were so tough for me that I'm afraid to do it again... Especially if you are like me and not really sure if this treatment warrants such actions. I have a lot of people also telling me "it's not that bad, it could be worse".

I'm not known to be terribly decisive by any stretch of the imagination, but I have been thinking a lot about how to get out, and preparing myself for the things I will go through. I know my husband will fight me fiercely for every little bit of growth I try to accomplish. Personally, I think in some sick way, he prefers me to be more "regressed" as he puts it. But that makes me feel like he's more like my dad than my husband... :/

It'll probably take a year or more to realistically leave him. It's just getting through that transition that's the hard part. I'll have to walk away from everything I helped him to have, to struggle on my own with a small child. I'm not saying I *can't* do it, I'm just saying it's going to take some time and planning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Oh Yin--

I really believe that once you sincerely love yourself and your daughter more than you love the IDEA of your husband, things will fall into place like you couldn't imagine.....I hope that day comes sooner than later for all of you!

Keep hangin' in there--lots of us are pulling for you!


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I don't know if you work, but employers often look employees up on facebook. More and more places are using this as their first level of background check. I know you might not think it matters but would you really want someone to judge you based on things you post or know about your marraige problems?


This is a really good point.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I wish you guys would read her backstory before you jumped on her.
> 
> I've said it before and I'll say it again Yin's husband is a bad guy.


The backstory doesn't matter. Whatever he did, it doesn't make her behavior right. Just because he did something worse, doesn't make her behavior right. The thing to do is worry about what kind of person she is, not what kind of person he is. Be the person you want to be, not the kind of person he is.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Once again - just want to reiterate - I'm not posting things like, "My husband is an @$$hole". They are brief comments/statements and sometimes questions. This is useful to me for gathering information on a "generic" type scenario. I promise you I'm not attention wh0ring. 

As far as employers go - so far, not employed.  My FB is private, with the only exception that I lifted the privacy briefly awhile back, so that I could share some photos. The privacy has been set back to "friends only" again.

My mom is in HR and she tells me all the sneaky little things they do to learn about prospective employees, and people they already have working for them... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Good luck to ya Yin, is really all I know left to say. My heart aches for people who are in these types of situations. The worse part is, the victims who choose to remain where they are due to their own self esteem and justifications on the issue(s). I believe in sympathy and empathy, but also think at times, to much of it it can help keep those victims where they are. Good luck!


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Job hunt starts - as soon as I can get a ride/babysitter. Sucks - we had a pretty nice day today... But I'm sort of losing interest in making things work with him anymore. Maybe it'll be a passing phase... Maybe not... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Drover said:


> I agree with them. You can't control anyone else's beahvior, but you can control yours. And airing this kind of stuff for the public to see is classless and disrespectful. Talk to him about it, not the world. Or talk to your best friends about it if you need to vent. Why do you feel the need to post it anywhere? What's wrong with the telephone if you need to tell friends about it? Posting it for all your friends and family and his friends and family to see is not helpful and just really shows a total lack of respect for him. If you really feel that way about him, just leave already.
> 
> Note, I'm not defending anything he's done, just think your way of handling it is very wrong.


I have to agree with this. Airing your dirty laundry isn't respectful of your spouse. If he truly won't listen to you or talk to you or get help, then maybe you have to reevaluate your situation. I think by posting those things it just adds fuel to the flame. I haven't been here long enough to know what your husband is like but from an outsider I can't see how posting statuses like that will help. Everything you do can help or hurt your marriage, venting privately or not where his family can see it is probably better.


----------



## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

It is really easy for someone on the outside looking in to say just leave and go stay in a shelter. I couldn't imagine being in Yin's position especially since I have three children and I stay at home. 

I have no real advice or anything but I am sorry you have to go through this stuff. Another thing that you could think about doing is making a "secret" group on fb and just inviting your close friends that way you can all chat and vent there and it is like one big private message. Secret groups are not even searchable.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Okay - for definitive purposes - what exactly IS airing your dirty laundry?

To ME that means making a highly personalized and private statement. Not the generic "scenarios" I've been passively posting.

Need clarity on this. I'm not stupid, but I was raised with poor boundaries, so I'm learning.

What can I do RIGHT NOW? I'm almost certain I will want to leave, but I need to have a plan in place. Getting a job will be the most difficult without transportation... I'm trying to find a way around it... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Okay - for definitive purposes - what exactly IS airing your dirty laundry?
> 
> To ME that means making a highly personalized and private statement. Not the generic "scenarios" I've been passively posting.
> 
> ...



I apologize if my post came off simplistic. What I meant about dirty laundry is just any negativity directly related to your spouse...if you keep his family and friends away from it, go ahead and vent! But when you do that to his family/friends, it's just harder for them to respect you, like why are you telling everyone bad stuff about my son/friend. Does that make sense. I wish you the best


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

"What kind of a woman has to ask for an example of what dirty laundry is????"

(Posted as an example for effect, no insult intended.)


----------



## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Yin - You haven't given many examples of the types of things you post but to use your example of "What kind of man leaves his pregnant wife in the grocery store??", that is (in my book) almost exactly the same as saying "My @ss of a husband left me in the grocery store". You seem to be making a distinction between these two posts and arguing that your "generic" statement is okay. It's not. Everyone will know exactly who you are referring to and actually trying to hide behind it as "generic" just makes you seem immature and passive/aggressive.

I feel for you, I really do and I'm not try to be harsh. That's just the way I see it. Personally, it is one of my pet peeves when people air their personal problems on facebook. But maybe that's just me. It just doesn't seem like the right forum to me and way too public for those kinds of discussions.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

When I did vent to his mother, it was in private, and that's when I told her about his addiction. For the entire time I've known her she has come off as supportive of me, supportive of our marriage and family, sympathetic to the struggles I was going through with the things my husband was doing to procure his pills, the things he was saying to me, how he was treating me. She makes excuses for him all the time. One thing I've noticed about his family - they NEVER tell him he is wrong, made a bad decision, etc. He is always in the right. He is my victim.

Now I find out that she thought all along that I was "exaggerating" and telling her son her opinions of me, which is pretty two-faced. I honestly felt like we had a good relationship and I felt safe in confiding to her. So now I'm fairly hurt and I'm not sure if she understands that a private message is just between she and I... And that my passive, non-specific comments are limited only to friends and family.

I've never posted anything outright on my FB regarding my husband or situation... As stated above, I was posting non-specific scenarios that may or may not be related. 

Either way, I've come to the conclusion that my husband won't fight for me, won't miss me, has no interest in evolving into someone more whole and genuine - and I really feel like living without these things isn't an option anymore. It's taking a toll on my self-esteem. I deserve to know and feel like I'm wanted and valued. He simply does not want or value me. He expresses little more than contempt and negativity 99% of the time.

Yes, life sucks sometimes. We are all tired. (What a joy to hear this from his lips after sleeping 8 hours straight after I've spent my night getting up every hour or two with the baby). Point is, I still know how to appreciate what I do have, the little attention I get from him; I am able to see the cup as half-full. My husband is the half-empty kind of guy. It's really depressing and boring. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Yin, if there is one I learned from living with a ex spouse who was a drug addict is, dysfunction will always support dysfunction. Meaning, that is HIS mother and family. Sounds like he came from dysfunction, and they will support him, its all they know. Another thing, I'm sure if you go to his mother or another family member of his asking for help, looking for advice, or even just venting, chances are, they will side with him.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

She asked. She wanted to know. Nobody in his family knows who he is or what he's about. He's a very private person. I wasn't raised that way - if I screwed up, my family told me I did.

In a way, knowing how my husband is, I know that he trusts me a great deal to have let me get close to him, to have shared his secrets with me - things that wounded him in his past. Those things are JUST between he and I. And some of you here. 

Seriously. I walk a fine line between making excuses for him and trying to get him out of his comfort zone for his own growth and development.

His contempt for me now may be due to what I thought was non-specific venting. But it was always there. I think he resents me for our relationship, our daughter, our bills, the loss of his single life - I could go on. But in his mind, he never had a choice. I think he chose the marriage to say to his family, "I'm okay - see? Even I can have a wife and kid and a 9 to 5".

For the record, his family is all convinced that he has Aspberger's even though he has never had a formal evaluation or diagnosis. They are grasping to "figure" him out.

Figuring him out was easy for me - his family royally messed up raising him - but they have a convenient scapegoat now. Me.

I *really* don't care. I care about my husband and if I have to leave him so he will be happy, I will do that. I can let him go, because I get it.

When I do, though... He will still be a poor, innocent little victim of me. It sucks that people think like that and aren't able to open their minds, but I'm okay with it. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You both need IC for various reasons. Would he be up for that? Or does he feel nothing is wrong and all is well in HIS world?


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

He likes the idea of IC, but not enough to follow through with it. When I was in IC I found that my counselor was just a tad too goal-specific for me to really feel like all of my issues and things I need to talk about were being addressed. We weren't allowed to be assigned another counselor, either for IC or MC and I didn't like either one, most particularly the MC. She seemed unprofessional in some ways, and he had her thoroughly convinced that he is fine and I am not.

Newsflash - "normal" people don't get with "abnormal" people. That goes for us both. He can't see that at all... Or maybe he does. There are times when I can get him to talk and he reveals things like, he's happy I don't let him 'get away' with BS. Or he will say that he knows he contributes to our problems, and he even knows HOW - but in that moment - he is just unable to contain himself.

What's sad is I really do think we love each other and I really do believe I am special to him. He will just never say those words or take those actions on a consistent basis. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Acorn said:


> "What kind of a woman has to ask for an example of what dirty laundry is????"
> 
> (Posted as an example for effect, no insult intended.)


Apparently one who grows up like I did. At least I'm willing to put myself out there to have what I see are "blurred" lines defined. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

If you are asking questions and as open as you are to other points of view, only good things will come Yin. I think you are on the start of some big positive changes in your life!


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I haven't read everyone's replies - at least not yet, but my thoughts on the subject: 

Don't air dirty laundry. This means any comment that is designed to criticize someone else. 

It reveals your weaknesses and flaws. It publicly criticizes people you're supposed to love in a passive-aggressive, sneaky, underhanded way, and it never solves the problems. It usually makes problems worse, especially when friends and family start getting involved. The target of your criticism isn't going to feel loved or appreciated because of these kinds of comments. 

A recent study showed some interesting information on FB statuses and self-esteem. People who air negative messages think they get more benefit from FB than they do, even as it hurts their reputation and makes people tune them out or ignore them. 

OTOH, people who post positive messages get more support and friendship over FB. 

I found it to be an interesting study so I wrote an article on it.


----------



## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

It is highly inappropriate to be airing your marriages dirty laundry this way. The family is right. How would you feel if your husband was telling the whole world all the dumb things you do? It makes you appear petty and like you are playing the victim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Reading my others replies may be helpful to you to understand my mindset, but I appreciate your opinion and link - I will read it now.

I'm okay with being weak and flawed. I'm human. 

I think I keep a pretty good ratio of good to bad - but some think that you should always represent a 100% perfect life. No one has that. I'm pretty open about myself, I think. I also think that I'm a positive person by nature. I see the good in the bad, (the experience and lessons learned). Whether others believe that about me wasn't really an issue I was concerned with until recently. I do get frustrated. We all do.

But I'm ambivalent. The only approval I really care about having is from my husband. It's something I don't think I've ever gotten from him, and as a result of the deficits, I was reaching out - "acting out" but I needed to get others' opinions on this, because my family and the way I was raised, for instance, make this new territory for me. It doesn't help having a spouse who regularly wants to rug-sweep and is unable to discuss things without resorting to name-calling and whatnot. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Kathy - I'm unable to access the link for some reason. Will try googling it. Thanks for the insight. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

The link might work better if I just click/paste it.

Surprising Facts about Facebook and Self Esteem

I related to your last post (quoted it below) and would like to offer you some lessons I've learned the hard way over the last twenty years. I used to feel exactly the same way, because I didn't know what I didn't know. Now I know EXACTLY what I didn't know, and that information changed my attitude and my life. 

I was raised to think that "I have a right to my opinion," that "my feelings are important, too," and "everyone is flawed, so it's not a big deal to show it." I'm almost embarrassed to admit how mistaken I was.

I sometimes upset people who were important to me because I'd say too much to "outsiders." Because I had learned that it was unhealthy to keep secrets about our lives, I refused to believe that I was doing the wrong thing. I'd tell my guy that I wasn't going to pretend or act like something hadn't happened when it had. 

What I didn't think about was how *he experienced those events*. It was the same as if I'd taken out a billboard to tell people how bad he was. Nobody likes to be criticized, and everyone will put up a barrier in their hearts and minds to protect themselves from people who do this. How does that protection look in a relationship?

It looks like this: 

-They will stop talking about things, especially stuff that can make them feel vulnerable, because they know you might use it against them in a public way. 
-They may retaliate by badmouthing you to others. 
-They will stop confiding in you.
-They will expect the worst from you and be defensive rather than trying to work out issues. This means that YOU get blamed and targeted.
- They will eventually shut themselves off from their more tender feelings toward you because they won't want to interact with someone who attacks them unfairly.

You have the right and the ability to say whatever you want, to whomever you want, through whatever channel you want. But if you truly want your husband's approval as you said, you might want to leave him out of your FB posts except when they're shining praise on him.




YinPrincess said:


> Reading my others replies may be helpful to you to understand my mindset, but I appreciate your opinion and link - I will read it now.
> 
> I'm okay with being weak and flawed. I'm human.
> 
> ...


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My actual FB statuses for the last month...

"Happy Father's Day to all my friends and family who are daddies! I love you all!! "

"Well, at least I had a good time today! Hiked the Volcanoes - Herah's first trip up there! We saw a huge collared lizard up top! He just sat while we photographed and admired him! Dang! I wish I had an SD card for my good camera - all I got were cell phone shots! "

"It would be nice to get out of the house for awhile. Or have someone to talk to. :/"

"Hubby is so sweet! He surprised me with a new Hot Wheels for no reason at all!!  <3"

"Not feeling well. Tired, hot, crabby and icky. Grateful hubby is helpful and understanding. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel like myself again."

"At the dentist - hoping I will be seen before hubby has to be at work!"

"It's going to be a long, painful night..." (In regards to dental issues I was having).

"Posting toys for sale. Have lots of rare and hard to find items. Will photograph and post them if anyone is interested! "

I need a job - does anyone know of any places hiring?"

"I just received the coolest little handmade AMC toy car collection as a gift!! Herah is going to love these! (And with me being the toy freak that I am - I am sooo gaga about these)! To whomever sent them - THANK YOU! These are beyond awesome!"

"Ugh. Just one day I'd like to sleep in!"

"Just for you, Mom!" (Posted photo for MIL)

"Happy 2 Month Birthday to Herah! She's finally reached the 8 pound mark! 8.3 pounds, approximately! "

"Ok - why are everyone's photos microscopic now? I can't tell what I'm looking at on my phone! "

"We've happened upon the cutest, sweetest female pit bull dog! She's dark brindle and white in color. Awesome disposition if anyone is interested! Obviosuly we can't keep her because we have three already. Too bad because she is freaking adorable! If you are interested, please let me know!"

"Well, just me and the baby in the hospital now. If anyone wants to help, er, I mean, "visit", I'd be grateful! "

"Aww, Herah's first laugh! And everyone missed it except me and the lactation consultant!!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Kathy - thanks for responding again. I appreciate your insight, it makes a lot of sense. I had no idea that what I was posting is that bad. 

Will check out your link... And I just did the strenuous task of writing down and copying all of my FB statuses for the last month for all to have examples of what I write. None are left out or edited. These were my actual statuses. Thank you, again! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> My actual FB statuses for the last month...
> 
> "Happy Father's Day to all my friends and family who are daddies! I love you all!! "
> 
> ...




The ones in bold are the ones I think cross a line. The last two may be ok, but may not be. If my spouse posted these comments about us, it would do serious long term damage to our relationship. 

My stepdaughter made critical posts about me twice in the last two years, and I'm very cautious about her at times because of it.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thank you for pointing these out to me. This feedback is needed because I hadn't received any from anyone else - just the discovery that they were upset about them and hadn't let me know. How am I to know unless someone says something?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I *was* upset that my husband had left me and baby in NICU alone to go to work. You must understand that he DOES take off of work to make his auditions - but his daughter was hospitalized for three days and he couldn't take time off? It made me feel like he didn't care about her or me - because when you have an infant in NICU a parent must be present at all times. They didn't want me leaving the ward, but I had to for things like bathroom breaks and to eat. I would not have felt this way, had he not made his auditions "worthy" of missing work, and his daughter was hospitalized and she wasn't "worthy" of being there to support us?

I can see my status reflected my disappointment and feelings of abandonment. Really, I just wanted someone to be there to relieve me once in awhile. I wanted someone there for support. My baby was sick and so difficult because of all the stuff the docs and nurses were doing. I shed more than a few tears there. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Kathy - GREAT article! I think I understand things a bit more clearly now! Thank you for sharing! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Having one of those moments now where I'd want to vent by posting a passive aggressive statement...

When he came home from work I took a shower while he watched the baby. When I came upstairs I was just trying to play around with him by putting my damp hair on his chest. He responded by saying that I was "being gross". That really hurt my feelings, but there's no point in telling him that. Tried to let it slide when a little while later he was puttering around the bedroom and mumbling to himself. When I asked what was wrong he said I was "so inconsiderate" because HE assumed I needed to go to the store when I said no such thing! I had literally been sitting on the bed, hadn't said a word to him since he came upstairs and that's what he says.

I swear to GOD I think he is loosing it sometimes!!! My feelings are really hurt. It seems like he never has anything kind or nice to say to me. Just thought I would post here instead of trying to get attention elsewhere. Sometimes I really don't understand what I'm doing wrong besides trying to believe in the best of him!

Boy am I stupid! :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Facebook is dumb. If most people realized that, the world would be a better place.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Vent here. Find an online support group for spouses of narcissistic arseholes. Email, phone or text your friends personally.

Facebook statuses are tacky. I don't use the status at all, except for funny stuff or sharing a recipe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I am going to look up sites to see if I can find a mobile forum like that - I need it. (Plus I feel like everyone is getting sick of me complaining here, but I talked to my sister today about having me stay with her long term after hubby and I got into it. Yet again). She says she will "have to figure something out." :/

I do my best to do what I can to help hubby while I'm not working. I've procured foodstamps, got us on two housing lists, gotten help with the utilities, have an application in for cash assistance, plus I'm selling off my prized vintage toy collection. I also am the only person who looks after our daughter. (Anymore, even when he is home he just ignores her and expects me to change her/feed her/entertain her. Well, he does like to play with her sometimes. When he feels like it...)

Today my Blackberry phone died. He was at work, I was without a phone or car with a small child in a rural area. I'm a bit paranoid because there was a shooting yesterday a block away. 

When hubby gets home I show him that my phone no longer works, and ask him to borrow some money to get a used one until I sell a vintage transformer I have. (I have several people interested, just holding out for the best deal - and even the lowest offer would more than cover the cost of a used phone).

Anyhow, my husband proceeds to throw a b!tch fit about money/bills/how I don't care, etc. Even though I will be able to pay him back when I get my check.

I'm doing my very best. I care for our daughter 24/7. I can't even remember the last time he gave her a bottle. I'm searching online for jobs even though I don't have transportation or childcare arranged yet.

Thankfully, my phone decided to somehow reboot itself and is working... But the thought that he would actually deny me $$ to get a cheap used one - just so I have one in case of an emergency - is ridiculous.

I want out. I flipping HATE him at this point!!! 

Irony is: he says that he thinks all I want/need him for is to be a paycheck - but I ask him to work on our marriage on an almost daily basis - how does he think I'm using him? I cared for him and want a relationship... But all he accuses me of is being "materialistic". Ugh.

I don't know what to do. Things have been getting so bad these last few days and I don't know why - or how to cope with it. I feel like I'm going to explode inside!!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Can you find temporary small job? Like child care, housemaid, etc. Not just to show him you are helping financially but also be independent incase your phone quits or something else happens.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

ABQJournal Online » UPDATED: Deputies Active Near Atrisco and Bridge

That's the shooting that happened yesterday. We literally live the next street over, less than a block away. 

I am looking for a job, currently. I don't have transportation or childcare set up yet, but when I do, I'm getting OUT. I'm SICK of being treated like this and I don't deserve it. I hate my husband and I wish I never married him!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> ABQJournal Online » UPDATED: Deputies Active Near Atrisco and Bridge
> 
> That's the shooting that happened yesterday. We literally live the next street over, less than a block away.
> 
> ...


Yin, I swear If I could just pick you up and move you some place myself I would. I feel for ya, I really do. I hope and pray you are able to get out of and away from this situation. Keep having faith something will work out for you. Keep posting here if you feel you need to, you need support.


----------



## enso (Jun 9, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Rant regarding Facebook and hubby's family... /ON!
> 
> Apparently hubby's family feels that I should only generate positive, happy Facebook statuses. Well life doesn't work like that. I'm used to just putting whatever in the heck I feel like up there, and oftentimes my statuses turn into very long discussions about the topic. My FB is generally for friends only, and I don't write anything that I wouldn't talk about it to any one person on there anyways, including my relationship troubles, if they're bothering me. I'm also not saying anything in a way that could be considered "slander" or "libel".
> 
> ...


I personally don't use facebook ( probably only few in planet but heck that is me) anymore and use email/chat with one at a time and with close friends talk to them on phone or face to face. The problem with Facebook is you have no idea how things are interrupted when shared with bunch of people esp family gossipers and **** disturbers. So are lurking just waiting to cause trouble and I had enough of it.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Tonight just keeps getting better and better. The more I put my foot down the harder he tries to crush me. I freakin' hate him. What a tool! What the heck did I ever see in him to begin with?! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There is a little 'wheel' on every post for FB where you can block people from seeing your update and STILL keep them as friends. GO to "Custom" your updates and put these people on it so they can't see it. 

I do this with my mother.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> Tonight just keeps getting better and better. The more I put my foot down the harder he tries to crush me. I freakin' hate him. What a tool! What the heck did I ever see in him to begin with?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yea. You are just seeing reality now.

I was like that with my daughter's father. now I look at him as say, WOW! I was with him before my frontal lobe was developed (before age 25), it's totally obvious. If I met him now, i'd probably laugh at him and think, "Damn, what a loser."


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would, however, try not to post things until you're calmed down. Private chat with people about issues. 

When we mature as woman, we don't revel in drama and stirring up crap. YES what he does to you is awful, but no, not everyone (including friends) needs to see the shet storm on your FB.

Learn to be discrete and trust a few people who will guide you, not feed your frenzy.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

LoL thanks, TG.

He tried to give me the "hallmark" apology. I HATE that impersonal sh!t.

He's sleeping on the couch now and I'm not crying anymore. I finally told him off tonight, told him how I hate how he treats me and that I don't want to be with him anymore.

He tried to make up, but it just didn't seem sincere. I know him. I know what his sincere looks like. He can eat dog poo for all I care!

Me and the kid are curled up in bed together. Praying tomorrow will be easier than today - but I know me. I'll probably end up caving because I'm a desperate loser like that. :/

Staying away from FB for now. Gotta say I was *really* tempted but I posted here instead... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Good for you! It sounds like you have plenty of reason to need to vent sometimes, and having a place where he and his family don't know about is exactly what will benefit you the most. 

You said something that I think might be important to what you guys are going through.... that he thinks you just see him as a paycheck. I've known some men who felt that way, and it's a pretty crappy thing to think, but it's understandable that they felt that way. They all prided themselves on being good providers, but didn't feel like their own expectations of what an appreciative, loving wife were met. 

In your case, since you don't have a job, he feels like he's a provider for you. When you had your daughter, he may have felt especially pressured to be that provider, even if he *had* taken time off for auditions. (The birth of a child can make a person feel their responsibility a whole lot more, and he sees his responsibility as earning the income.) 

Has he ever talked about what he thinks marriage is supposed to be like, what he thinks wive should be doing in a marriage, or anything like that?


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I think it's sad if he really feels that way - I've done my best over the last year to tell him that I need MORE than just his paycheck. I need his love and affection and genuine investment in me - therefore I think he makes these comments solely to rile me up. It usually works, but tonight I tod him if all he wants to be is just a paycheck then so be it. And I left it at that.

I don't know what his expectations or perception of roles in marriage are like - he doesn't and won't talk about that sort of thing. From what I gather, he wants me to care for the baby, work, clean the house, look after our pets, and accept little to no affection without complaint. He works Monday through Friday. Big woop-de-doo. I used to spend so much of my time and effort throwing my arms around him in the morning and thanking him for working to support the household, etc. Only to be met with comments like, "It's not like I have a choice."

How's that for a "You're welcome." :/

His history: raised between his wild, promiscuous mother (4 marriages/many abusive), and his staunch rug-sweeping christian grandparents. He has had a terrible childhood. We both have. We've both felt abandoned, both been molested as children, etc.

Still - it's no excuse. The man seems to lack common sense. He lacks empathy and trust in anyone. He's impossible to reach 99.9% of the time. I'm just so fed up trying. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> I think it's sad if he really feels that way - I've done my best over the last year to tell him that I need MORE than just his paycheck.


I think you missed the point. He wants his paycheck to be enough for you, and is unhappy that you "still want more." I could be wrong. It might be the opposite - that he resents being a provider and would rather show love in other ways. In either case, I think you guys would benefit from using the principles in Chapman's book The 5 Languages of Love
Amazon.com: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts (9780802473158): Gary D. Chapman: Books


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

If he wants the paycheck to be enough, then why would he imply that that's all I want from him and that I'm just using him?? 

I have the book. Wasn't able to get past the religious flavor, although I did read the descriptions of the various ways people show love. I need the words of affirmation - he's a gift giver. Somewhat...

I could try pulling it off of the bookshelf and reading it again, but I'm afraid it would really just be a waste of time.

Nothing on this green earth is going to convince him that I deserve to be loved and respected. So I guess I have to make that call for myself... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

And tonight's drama: let's see, I sold my transformer for $115, every penny of which I turned over to him because he is sooo burdened caring for me and my daughter. He doesn't even offer a thanks.

Next we go to the store where he pisses and moans the whole time, except for when some chic said something (?) To him... He sure smiled about that.

We get home. He wants to do yoga before we make dinner. No problem, you know I don't get breakfast or lunch everyday so what's another hour and a half?

When he gets around to making dinner, (which is just a tiny salad), he is in the kitchen slamming sh!t around and in general, letting me know how p!ssy he is. I'm upstairs feeding and changing our daughter.

He gripes about his eye hurting. Yes, he has Keratoconus, but he is merely b!tching because he knows I have one percocet left from my dental stuff and he wants it. I refuse to give it to him. More b!tching and slamming of things continue.

But hey guess what? I didn't let this trigger me tonight. I told him it's too bad that he's in a p!ssy mood (hey when isn't he?) But I rubbed his shoulders and didn't nag him to get on with "dinner" even though I was starving.

He is still throwing his little tantrums. Oh well... See if that gets you anywhere!

I hate to say it, but I wish his family knew how he REALLY is... They just think he's Mr. Wonderful. He's so devoted and self-sacrificing! Omg! 

Ugh.

Sorry, I needed to vent. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

More venting - don't mind me. At this point it's just journaling 

Yesterday I emailed Grandma via FB and apologized to her for offending her. I wanted to own up to the offensive things I said.

In a classic rug-sweeping manner, she pretended to not know what I was talking about. She said she "appreciated" my "candor" and that she loved me. Well, that kind of p!ssed me off because I know that she's complained about it. Oh well, I owned up and took the initiative to apologize. It's done and over with in my book.

Last night I asked hubby if I can read him an article I found online. I asked that he try to keep an open mind and to try not to become defensive. He listened as I read the article, (about verbal abuse). He smirked most of the time. I tried not to let this effect me. I explained how it really hurts my feelings when he puts me down and calls me names. I told him that I believed he was a better person than that. (I guess I was wrong). He proceeded to get defensive anyways and say more things that could be construed as crazy-making and emotional abuse. I started reacting - he was doing the very thing I had asked him to become AWARE of and to stop.

When I realized that I was reacting, I stopped. I went to bed, game over. At this point I'm thinking mean thoughts about his lack of intelligence in this situation, but I say nothing. I try to switch my thoughts to make excuses for him. (It's hard to find a balance). :/ 

We had agreed for him to take care of the baby overnight, so that I get a break once a week. By morning it is clear that he has resented the fact he had to get up several times during the night. I do not feel sorry for him. I do it all the time.

Since he was obviously in a bad mood, I decided that I will also own up to my behavior, and I apologized to him for "reacting" last night. I should have just let it go, but honestly, all the smirking, dismissals, veiled insults and nit-picking had driven me mad.

Do you think he apologized or took ownership for anything he said or did? Hell no. Oh well.

This morning he lays in bed and wants to sleep in. Fine. I am laying next to him reading the threads on this forum. I am not typing and my phone is on silent. Out of the blue he starts griping that he should just get up because I am distracting him. My phone is making too much noise! Wow! It's on silent and I'm not even typing. It is clear to me that he's just unable to sleep and wants to blame someone for it! 

He's trying VERY hard to get under my skin right now. It's taking all the energy I have to cope.  We will see how the day progresses. I'm very drained already...

Finding myself very depressed. Life with someone who doesn't like you is extremely difficult.

There is only silence between us. My heart aches and I want to cry. I wanted so badly for him to be able to be nice and caring and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I wanted to have a relationship in which I am valued and adored, but he is never going to be that guy. Talking to my mom about getting a divorce. Starting to look forward to it. I want the freedom. I want the happiness and I want relief from this stale, stagnant atmosphere. I want away from him in the worst way. Being in the same room with him is like smelling death. I am suffocating and withering in this silent sorrow.  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Today a very near and dear pet has passed away after 12 years of companionship. Not only am I depressed and sad to see her go, my husband is being his cold insensitive self. I actually asked him for a hug - and while hugging me he was staring at his phone behind my back the entire time. When I get offended and hurt, it's because I'm too "sensitive". Of course. Everything is always my fault. I'm always too sensitive. Always trying to hard. For god's sakes. I just want to be cared about. What the hell does it take to get someone who "loves" you to actually act like they love you???

I'm being triggered hard now. I feel alone and worthless. I am ashamed to admit how far I've slipped on this slippery slope. I want to treat him in kind. I want him to hurt lile I hurt but I know it isn't right. So I sit here, bottling my feelings because I don't know how to deal with this sh!t anymore. I hate him so much.

And minding my own business, he comes around and says, "what are you crying about?" After b!tching that we need to go to the store. Great. :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

