# Why do I let him make me feel this way!!



## furreal (Nov 11, 2011)

Hi please excuse me I am a newbie and found this site while trawling through the net...It looks like the kind of site I need! Just a bit of background info, I am in my early fifties and have been with my husband since I was 13, married for 33 years and have two grown up children ..problem my husband can be lets say a little hard when it comes to the children..I have in the past lent (given the children large sums of money when they have been struggling) but I have always worked and earned money (we have never had mine or his ) but my husband has always controlled the finances don,t get me wrong he never leaves me short. But I find myself consistently lying to him or hiding the fact about helping them out.. The latest episode my daughter is doing a working ski season in Canada but did not have the deposit for an apartment she found so I lent her the deposit money. My husband found out and really ripped into me we have had this conversation before many times and he says that I am always going against him and he feels like its always me and the children against him...What do I do how can I refuse the children when they ask me especially when they are struggling. Husband is in Uk at the moment on business and while we were on the skype he really ripped into me and I got upset and ended the call!! I know the short answer is just don,t give lend the children money but why is my husband their father like this my son and I had a discussion and he actually said that he feels like my husband is jealous of him!! Looking at it thats exactly what it looks like if I do anything for them ie rides or any normal thing a mother would do my husband always finds something to dig at me about...Its wearing me down I feel I am always in the middle of them all trying to keep them all happy...Just for the record my husband is a very aggressive man not physically by any means but certainly in his manner...
I am really sorry I know I have gone on a bit but just needed to get this off my chest !!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe he just wants the kids to make it on their own? 

Do the kids pay you back in a timely manner?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Have you given your children large sums of money with the express understanding they did not have to repay it, or did you lend it to them? There is a difference, you know. As adults, they should be able to fend for themselves. These are difficult economic times for many, so I can understand things are tight.

You said your daughter did not have the deposit money for an apartment. How old is she, and has she been gainfully employed before going to Canada? Unless she is living in a luxurious apartment, I am going to assume the deposit is approximately $1,000. Please correct me if I am wrong. If she doesn't have the funds to place a deposit on an apartment, I assume she has no savings account to rely upon. You are her savings account, right?

It's okay to help our children out, but what you are doing is enabling them. They need to stand on their own two feet. I don't think your husband is handling this situation well by blowing up at you. Sounds like he needs to ratchet down the anger and you two need to sit down and discuss this matter.


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## furreal (Nov 11, 2011)

no they don,t infact if I am honest not at all! But husband knows nothing of this and I know its wrong deceiving him but surely parents should help their kids..But its really causing problems. My husband says that I always put the kids before him but thats not true I wish that they could go to him but he is not a very sympathetic person and just tells them its your problem sort it out!! So when they come to me I help best I can..I ca,nt stand to see my kids upset or struggling and if I as their parent can help what is so wrong in that , I am sure any normal loving parent would feel the same.. or is it me am I wrong ?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Parents do help their kids, when they are young, and you raise them to be independent.

If you LENT the money, they need to pay it back. 

I would be upset too as I expect my children to be on their own two feet when they are grown. Surely there are times when they may be in a DIRE situation, but...for the most part, they gotta work and save and pay their own bills, just like every other adult.

I love my children, but i'm not their bank.

My mom was the same way with me...making me take care of myself once I was out of college. I respect her for that and learned my limits and how to be a grown up. She raised me right, so I had budgeting skills...as do my children. Stop enabling your kids.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I know that it's hard to see your children in need of something, and let them struggle when you can step in and provide for them. However, this issue will drive a wedge between you and your husband, and you must both come to a joint agreement about how much to give your children.

Going behind his back is wrong, and will damage your relationship. Children also do not value that which they do not earn. Let them struggle a bit and learn what it means to budget for what they want. 

Honesty is crucial in a marriage. Discuss with your husband how much to give your children. This should be a joint decision.


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## furreal (Nov 11, 2011)

You are absolutely right that girl!! I thing its more about me than them.. If I am honest its about how it makes me feel when I help them out.. Its as if its helps out with the constant guilt I feel !! No idea why! But the only way I can explain it its as if it eases my conscience ! Does that make sense? I have never been a confident person and am constantly doubting myself perhaps this is my way of feeling like a good mother! Who knows.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then explain to your children that it's time they fly with their own wings.

Whatever guilt you have must be worked out either in therapy or whatnot. Don't use your kids as such, it will only hurt them in the long run.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You know how your husband feels about this, and you continue to do this behind his back. Explain to me how you're not putting their needs above his? Lovesherman and TG make great points. Time to let the kids stand on their own, and talk to your husband openly and honestly BEFORE you do anything else like that.

How often does this happen? How much money per year are you sneaking out?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

If it's both of your money and not "mine or his" then why are you making the decision by yourself. Both of you should agree before you just give your kids the money.

Since your kids are grown already, they can make their own money. You and your husband need to look at your own future. If you keep giving money away, will the kids give you money when you two are retired and have no money left?


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## furreal (Nov 11, 2011)

To be really honest I know that everyone that has kindly taken the time to post back to me are perfectly right!! I know what I must do, but not sure I can trust myself to go ahead and do it. Whether I can cope with the guilt I will feel by saying no.. Someone mentioned in their post earlier maybe its a matter for a counselor on my part..I was bullied at school parents divorced when I was very young and I never saw my father from there on in.. so it could be to do with abandonment issues..I do know that I have been described as a people pleaser!! In my warped sense of logic I feel that if I disappoint they will no longer want anything to do with me or at the very least change the relationship..I know that I am overly sensitive,and take things to heart...So maybe time for confidence building who knows....I,m not trying to be flippant but knowing and doing what I know to be right are two different things...how do i go about it so these issues don,t arise again,,,:scratchhead:


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

How do you do it? Baby steps. Try to do something small that you know you should logically, but feels wrong emotionally. The more you make the right decisions, the easier it will get.

Do not allow your past to be an excuse for your present actions. That is a trap you will never get out of. You can change your actions, and gradually your feelings will follow. Ask your husband to help with this; you may need his support in becoming a new, confident you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like you're a people pleaser. My sister is that way. She is always overwhelmed because she cannot say no.

Your children will still love you even if you don't foot the bill.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> How do you do it? Baby steps. Try to do something small that you know you should logically, but feels wrong emotionally. The more you make the right decisions, the easier it will get.
> 
> Do not allow your past to be an excuse for your present actions. That is a trap you will never get out of. You can change your actions, and gradually your feelings will follow. Ask your husband to help with this; you may need his support in becoming a new, confident you.


Tell kids you're turning a new chapter in your marriage and such loans will be a 'joint' decision. That way it's not all on you and it shouldn't be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It sounds like you are afraid of rejection, and afraid your children won't come to you for help. There is nothing wrong with helping your children when they need help, but there are boundaries. I would never dream of asking my mom for a large sum of money, and if I did - I'd be paying her back whether she asked for repayment or not.

You should be there for your children but you shouldn't be hindering their ability to grow up as responsible, self-sufficient adults. You also shouldn't become a doormat.


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