# Married for less than six months...



## satelliteheart (Dec 29, 2016)

I'm stressing. 

I married my husband this July in a very small wedding. I moved to another country for him, and while I love it here and we didn't get married for the visa, we definitely hurried up the wedding for the visa. 

I actually would have been 100% fine living in sin indefinitely, honestly. I was married before and that divorce was both very painful emotionally and left me in a bad position financially. I have PTSD from emotional, physical and sexual abuse. 

My husband is a good man who means well. But there have been some pretty nasty surprises for me recently, like his violent temper and real difficulty communicating- I knew about the communication before we married, but he seemed to be doing so much better! Now it's honestly bewildering and a little frightening that he reads me consistently as putting him down, when I have nothing like that in my mind. Definitely sometimes I'll be frustrated or upset, but other times I really will be thrown for a loop. 

I also am responsible for all planning and communication for everything that isn't super duper exciting for him. His memory is terrible, but instead of putting things on a calendar or trying to keep notes, he just assumes he can't be responsible for stuff. I find this really frustrating. I'm talking about, we might lose the house he's owned for 12 years because his job cut back his hours, but he can't get it together to look for another job. 

He won't go to counseling with me, although it's free, because he says his schedule is too uncertain. I have given up talking about things in general- why waste my breath? 

I feel lured into a marriage under false pretenses, honestly. But I have only myself to blame for hurrying and being willing to be so blind. 

I just keep daydreaming about moving into the guest bedroom. But I'm afraid of his reaction. 

Help?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Move back to your home country.


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## satelliteheart (Dec 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Move back to your home country.


It's a good idea, except there I have no health care, no home and an actively abusive family. Here I have a future. 

My husband has very kindly put up with some severe health issues, which have gotten significantly better due to consistent availability of care. He doesn't however do even the minimum for his health issues, although it's completely affordable and available. 

His family is a big support to me as well. It's been a journey, as they're quite traditional, but we share similar values regardless.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The number one thing you must do if you stay there is NOT tolerate anger or abuse. Unfortunately, abuse victims almost always continue to pick abusers, without consistent long-term mental healthcare. Which you have now discovered. But YOU can change that. 

The first thing I recommend people in your situation is the walking out rule. The next time he shows anger or raises his voice or otherwise acts inappropriately, you calmly tell him "I don't deserve to be treated this way" and you turn around and leave the room for 20 minutes. If he takes it up again when you return, you walk out again, but this time leave the house, for about an hour. Go for a walk, a drive, to a library, just leave.

If he's there waiting to yell at you again when you return, pack an overnight bag and go stay at a hotel or a friend's house for the night. 

If he still won't give it up when you return the next day, make it 3 days gone. If he repeats, move out for a week. If he still won't learn to talk to you respectfully, all hope is lost: move out and file for divorce.


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## elle07 (Dec 29, 2016)

Omg. Are you me? 

I'm married 15months. Moved to my husbands country. He's terrible at communicating, which makes it impossible to fix any issues in our relationship as he just shuts down as soon as I start talking. I swear he'll sit there pretending I don't exist while I'm trying to talk about something that upsets me.

I suggest a free marriage counselling service and he also refuses. I am on the brink of leaving. In fact, before I always wanted to stay more than I wanted to leave. Now, I just want to be able to slip quietly out the back door more than I want to stay. 

The advice someone else listed here, about leaving if he becomes aggressive or abusive. I need to tell you, do NOT threaten to leave and then not follow through. Otherwise you end up in a position similar to mine, where I'm about to leave and I don't think he believes me....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're talking about my advice, I didn't say to threaten to leave. I said to say "I don't deserve this" and then to immediately leave the room. Big difference.


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## notsohappybutnotsosure (Dec 7, 2016)

As an reforming abuser I would have to agree with all the advice of leaving and not putting up with it. Explain one more time.. say it's rude and disrespectful and get this to look at the definition of an emotional abuser and the side effects it had on you. .. think there is a website called .healthyplace dot com and then if it falls on deaf ears...the leave to where you can. Unfortunately we hurt the ones we think will put up with it. We would never treat work colleagues or others like this so why should you be different. ? (although to be fair to myself I really didn't realise that my arguments. .sarcasm etc was emotional abuse). 
I hope this helps and please do what makes you happy for life is too short to be unhappy.


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## satelliteheart (Dec 29, 2016)

I'm a little lost as to the boundaries between abusive behavior and poor communication- it doesn't help that my nerves are horribly jumpy and if he slams a door I'm left shaking for hours. He does try not to do those things. But he forgets very easily.

I am also his first relationship, and we began dating when he was 34. That's a long time not catering to anyone else, in these ways.

It's extra difficult because I'm just so tired, due to health issues. I would be more willing to deal with things and handle stuff reasonably, like an adult, if even the slightest thing didn't make me want to curl up in a quiet place and be left to rest. I feel like a toddler about to have a meltdown sometimes, and I find myself withdrawing a lot because of that. 

I think I'd normally want to give things more of a go than this. Marriage means more to me than just giving up this easily, or so I thought. Maybe I've just been through too much. I am not even sure I want children any more, even under really great circumstances, although I have geared my whole life around hoping to have them one day. Now I honestly just want to sleep by myself, wake up with morning sunshine and have a really fantastic cup of coffee in the morning without having to depend on anyone or have anyone depend on me. 

Did I fast forward to 65 somehow? I'm only 32.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're withdrawing out of self protection from the abuse. Eventually, you'll have had enough and walk away. Better sooner than later.


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