# How to get wife to take more ownership in the bedroom



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

I think my wife suffers from "good girl" syndrome. She had a religious up bringing and although she does not practice a religion now, I think she still measures everything against the teachings when she was young. 
For example, "good girls" don't buy lingerie, or talk dirty or trim their pubic hair, or rent adult videos, or buy sex toys, or BJs. I enjoy all of these things, and after 20 years I finally have my wife admiting that she enjoys them also, but she still won't take the initiative to buy or use them. I have purchased every toy or video. I have had to drag her to the lingerie store to buy outfits and shoes. I have to initiate the use of all of these items. I feel like I have to do 75% of the work in the bedroom. She says it's "hard" for her to initiate any of these things, but her libido definitely likes all of them. She denied liking them for 20 years, but at least we have made some progress there.
I think the reason she won't initiate is that she likes to be able to tell herself and others that she is a "good girl". She often jokes (I think she is joking) that I am the pervert who has corrupted her. If she initiated, then she is just as "perverted" as I am. I don't know why that is such a bad thing. 
I tried an experiment about 10 years ago where I stopped initiating anything but vanilla sex. It was boring!!! I could tell that she wasn't as happy. She normally has multiple orgasms, but with vanilla she would only have one. But she would never admit that vanilla would be a boring way to spend our lives.
The problem is that I am getting tired of having to initiate every time. This is partnership. She isn't a youngster any more. She should know what she likes and initiate those things. But I haven't figured out how to have that discussion without turning sex into something toxic that will take months to recover from. The current situation has us having sex about 3-4 times per month. It is usually good sex during those times because I initiate more than vanilla about half of those times. But it is really starting to bug me. 
I'm trying to decide whether to enjoy what I have or try and improve things which could actually cause the whole subject to be a sore point for a long time.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Make her say it.

"You're a bad girl, aren't you? Say it!" Spank! "Say it!" Spank! "Now show me what a bad girl you are!" Spank! "Now tell me what you want..." Spank!

To get used to it, she's going to have to participate beyond just letting you do it to her.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Hm.

I say - you have been married for 20+ years, congratulations. Me too. Your wife was raised religious and has admitted having some difficulty in some areas like going into a sleazy adult store and buying a throbbing, jellylike dong from a skeezy, leering cashier. Mine too. You say she does enjoy the things you both have managed to work in to your routine, perhaps very much. Yep, same here.

I think you are exactly correct in being wary of pressing the issue. If your wife is anything like mine.. and it sounds like like maybe they have a few things in common... she may not respond to that kind of challenge or ultimatum very well. Though she can be (is) very good in bed, she definitely knows what she likes and though not closed minded in ANY sense... certainly knows what she does not like either. If that is from guit or shame or feeling dirty or disgust or whatever doesnt really matter does it? She is who she is. You also have needs and I have to believe the both of you - after so long - have some kind of equalibrium and you dont wan to upset the applecart too quickly.

Take the 'corrupted' jokes as a compliment. She may feel safe and that she has license to be a bit of the 'bad girl' (in her eyes) with you. Accept what she can give you and enjoy it - and try not to feel like you are shouldering a burden in the process.

I see your point. After enough years (decades) go by, its like... sheesh - wouldnt it be nice if she showed a little more initiative? Thankfully - my wife occasionally does take serious charge and that is a fun change of pace - sometimes humorously so andwe wind up laughing about it. She does some other things too but this isnt about us, its about you.

I considered it a victory when I got her to trim up her pubes some years ago... she has done it since. The trick was buying her a razor has has a little trimmer in the handle. Obvious what its for. She got the hint and the next time I mowed the lawn, it was already quite close - she has kept it that way ever since. (I may have said something about getting guitar strings caught in my teeth at one point). Not to be graphic - but my point is go easy and offer the suble hints once in a while. You have known her forever so you probably know when enough is enough - when to drop it. Guilting her into something she isnt comfortable with is not going to get you anywhere - just resentment. I can see your frustration in your words though.

I can almost hear the 'no more mr nice guys' out ther gnashing their teeth. Tell them to go pound sand.

Im in jeopardy of rambling on here.. so... I dont know. Maybe pick one thing (not 5) and think up a way to drop a casual, elegant, not over subtle, flattering even, hint or 2 and see if anything sticks. I get the sense you dont talk in bed (?) and nonverbal motivations in bed are not always the best tact. 

If you keep at it for another 20 years - she may come around. 

(that was humor. but on your 50th anniversary - I bet you get your BJ. If you still want it.)


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Drover said:


> Make her say it.
> 
> "You're a bad girl, aren't you? Say it!" Spank! "Say it!" Spank! "Now show me what a bad girl you are!" Spank! "Now tell me what you want..." Spank!


:iagree: :lol:

She may freak out, you monster you, but it would be fun to see.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Does she like to drink. A couple of glasses of wine is a great way to relax and let go of a few inhibitions.

And candles... we all feel sexier in the candle light.

Ya know... she is probably thinking that she would like to do all sorts of things to you but just lacks the courage. 

Do you two every talk about fantasies? Tell her what you'd like for her to do to you or what you would like to do with her. Maybe taking some of the guess work out for her might help.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife is more of the 'good girl' type, as well, and told me that it's not her "style" to initiate sex. She has bought lingerie in the past, but it was more of the subtle variety. Still hot to me. 

I am the toy shopper in the house and she hasn't said no to anything that I've brought home. 

From what I surmise, she had a very 'nice guy' father and there wasn't any rebellious behavior on her part growing up. hence, she didn't sleep around at a young age to get back at a strict father. (At least I hope not!)

So her bedroom actions reflect that and although she does go along with things I suggest, it is more of the vanilla variety all around. 

Comparing notes with my brother-in-law shows that this is also the case for her sister.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

That's a very interesting assessment. My wife was always the good child, never acting out. But her sister on the other hand was the rebellious one. She raised hell and slept around. I don't know her husband well enough to ask what she is like in the bedroom.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I think the reason she won't initiate is that she likes to be able to tell herself and others that she is a "good girl". She often jokes (I think she is joking) that I am the pervert who has corrupted her. If she initiated, then she is just as "perverted" as I am. I don't know why that is such a bad thing.


She _needs _you to be the pervert who corrupts her. If she thinks it's "bad" then she needs to give herself "permission" to be "bad" and the best way is for you to "corrupt" her...then she can be as bad as she likes without feeling guilty about being sexual and "dirty". 

It sounds like you've been able to expand her horizons. Maybe with more time, she'll feel more comfortable with being sexual and will start initiating. Maybe not. 

After 20 years, I'd suggest you stop expecting her to initiate, and enjoy that you have been able to help her transform her views on sex to where she can admit she likes the fun you have "corrupted" her to enjoy. Expecting her to be someone she isn't is only going to leave you disappointed. Encouraging her to come into her own sexually, as you have been doing, is a better approach.

Don't make this an issue between you. Just keep encouraging her more adventurous side by telling her and showing her how much you like it when she is adventurous and sexual with you. 

If you bring up wanting her to initiate, don't be all "you never initiate and I'm tired of it!!!" Maybe bring it up after a great sex session when you're both feeling relaxed and open to each other. Tell her that one of your fantasies is that she would surprise you sometimes by doing something specific [insert something you'd like her to do to initiate, like slipping into the shower with you]. If she does that, make sure to tell her how hot it was and how she made you feel wanted and loved.

Keep telling her little fantasies of what you'd like her to to get things started. 

And keep in mind that many, many women have a _responsive _sex drive. They need to be turned on before they actually want sex. If your wife is like that, you're expecting something that she simply finds difficult to do since she isn't turned on already.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Great advice. This is exactly what I was hoping to get out of TAM. Informative opinions without judgement.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Does she like to drink. A couple of glasses of wine is a great way to relax and let go of a few inhibitions.
> 
> And candles... we all feel sexier in the candle light.
> 
> ...


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Does she like to drink. A couple of glasses of wine is a great way to relax and let go of a few inhibitions.


Alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems it seems lol


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems it seems lol


I don't know about cause, but temporary solution it definitely is. Gotta love the stuff.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You would like her to initiate more. Why? 

What if she's just naturally submissive? 

Maybe she just wants you to be the dominant in that area of your marriage.

The D/s and 'Taken in Hand' relationships are like this.

As long as she goes along with what you come up with, what is the problem exactly? 

I understand she wants to tell herself and others that she's a good girl but does she 

behave like a good girl in the bedroom?

If she responds to your seduction, then that makes her a bad girl. (which is good)

You say you have sex 3 to 4 times a month now. 

Is this just the # of times you initiate or does she turn you down alot. 

If she doesn't turn you down then why aren't you initiating more?

Do her hangups lead to her saying no to these things or is the only issue is that she does not take the lead?

Just because its a partnership does not mean that there aren't areas where it makes sense for one person to 

take the lead because they are better equipped to; pyschologically, physically, etc.,

Pardon me if there is something in your issue that i'm missing.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Alcohol is the cause and solution to all of life's problems it seems lol


Ya know...I'm always wary about mentioning alcohol...knowing that many good folk here battle that demon.
I appreciate that RD... don't mean to offend or trigger anyone 

For those of us who don't abuse or battle it is one of life pleasures. 
Mine is home made...organic even!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is about the best advice possible in this situation. 

There is however one "variation" on this theme. The premise of the variation is that she gets to continue being the "good girl" because you are "forcing her" to do what you want. 

Standard disclaimer: Rape is a crime. Marital rape is a crime. I am NOT suggesting you do that. I AM suggesting that if you are dominant and TAKE HER, she may like that a LOT. 

NY Times best seller list as of today:

1 A WANTED MAN 
2 FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
3 DELUSION IN DEATH
4 FIFTY SHADES FREED
5 FIFTY SHADES DARKER







Drover said:


> Make her say it.
> 
> "You're a bad girl, aren't you? Say it!" Spank! "Say it!" Spank! "Now show me what a bad girl you are!" Spank! "Now tell me what you want..." Spank!
> 
> To get used to it, she's going to have to participate beyond just letting you do it to her.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

Drover said:


> Make her say it.
> 
> "You're a bad girl, aren't you? Say it!" Spank! "Say it!" Spank! "Now show me what a bad girl you are!" Spank! "Now tell me what you want..." Spank!
> 
> To get used to it, she's going to have to participate beyond just letting you do it to her.


:iagree:

Amazing advice! Works, trust me.  No, it really works! 

I learned this a couple of years ago about her, but did not perfect until the past few months.


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> 1 A WANTED MAN
> 2 FIFTY SHADES OF GREY
> 3 DELUSION IN DEATH
> 4 FIFTY SHADES FREED
> 5 FIFTY SHADES DARKER


Uhhh, yes. Worked!


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