# The shattered dream with her affair



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

What has been lost is my dream. That dream being of myself and my wife growing old together. Growing old bushy eyebrows for my grand-kids to pull on as my wife would be baking cookies and such. That was my dream that was shattered. Is there a future now? I do not know. I have no vision of the future. Perhaps it was what I wanted and now I cannot see. If it happens later in life , Great! But will the dream be altered in anyway? Will she be able to be with me and feel trusted? Will she feel I can trust her by then? Because it will be a very long time for me to trust her again. And if that takes too long for her then I guess it was never going to work do to her choices. Which pretty much means she would do this again. I mean when you throw away your spouse like garbage, you essentially throw away any meaningful memory whether good or bad. Everything we built together becomes a waste of time especially if I was worth gambling away for someone else. Memories became worthless to me when I read that she loved another. She tells me to stop living in the past so I guess I really should think that our 13 years of marriage are not worth having either. After all, it is in the past. If good memories are not enough to make you happy and stay loyal and true to your spouse, how can you truly see a good future?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

When did you find out she was cheating on you?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> When did you find out she was cheating on you?



one year ago


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

"Stop living in the past" as in your past together or her past with the OM?

Are you in reconciliation now?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> She tells me to stop living in the past


Oh, how nice of her! She has all the answers, huh?

_Just stop living in the past_. Yeah. Right. If only it were that easy.

Ask her a question -asked of his WS (wayward spouse) by another poster- along these lines.

"xxxx, do you want me to get over it?" If she says yes, ask her: "Have you got over it?" Then: "Well, what have you actually got over?"


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Augusto said:


> About 9 months ago my wife told me she kissed a man. I was destroyed. I loved this woman with every breath of my being. I was heart broken after she told me. But little did I know how deep the rabbit hole goes. Turns out she and a coworker had sexual encounters and she was even ready to leave me. She wrote him things that she wanted to do with him that I never heard after 12 years of marriage. She would lie to me saying she would go be with a girlfriend when instead she would go to his place when his wife would not be there. *My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer. I read in her journal that she wished I would die so she could be free to be with the other man.* She basically fell out of love with me and I am still destroyed and though she is willing to do anything to repair the damage, I am still a wreck. I go to work feeling like garbage. I come home feeling like garbage. I see images of her and him at least 3 times every hour. I have nightmares about it. She is trying so hard to repair but I have changed so much that I do not know who I am anymore. I feel like I am too damaged and she should move on. I have seen a shrink and we had counselling as well but they did nothing to repair my heart or make me feel any better. I feel like a shadow of my former self of who I used to be. One shrink told me that because of how much I cared for her, it not only hurts that much worse but it will take 3-5 years for me to fully recover if I ever do. I love my wife but not the same as I once did. I do not know how to explain it. I do not look upon her the same as I once did. I do not adore her as much as I once did. I want to but something stops me. I have had times where I thought I have let it go but the rage builds and builds. I sometimes just want to crawl into a hole and die. I feel like this big walking corpse that basically has me feeling abandoned though she is wanting to make things right. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep. At times I tell her that she should leave me for him if she wanted him so badly. I am so worn out from feeling this way. *The real deal is he cut her off. He decided to stay with his wife and I feel like 2nd best. Like I am the "plan B" or the default....if it doesn't work out with the other man, i still have my husband kind of thing.* One shrink I saw said he believes I have a stress disorder. I feel like I am in pieces. My wife said she misses the "old me". But she built him. And she also destroyed him. The only reason I am still home is I still love my wife and though not the same as it once was, we have 4 children together and I have a job to do in raising them with as much love as I can muster. Is this normal to feel this way? I feel like my wife is trying to reassemble a broken vase but more and more pieces show up daily. She hates herself for her decisions and what it has caused me to feel.


You are a saint.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You are a saint.


Yep. He is. Seriously.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"stop living in the past"

Well then start living in the future where she won't/doesn't exist.

"*I prefer to remember the future.*" - Salvador Dali


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

"She is trying so hard to repair..."

What exactly is she doing to repair things?

"She hates herself for her decisions..."

She says she does, but what's the evidence?

You have my sympathy. Sounds to me like there's nothing wrong with your feelings, and that she's a total nutcase. Based on her ACTIONS I came to this conclusion, specifically this one:

"My wife actually removed his wife's image from her coworkers wedding photo and inserted herself into it via photoshop. She even played with fonts of her first name and his last name on the computer."


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Augusto, you are a good man who is trying to do the right thing.

Your efforts have been noble and selfless.

I understand that you want to do what is best for your children and I respect your decision to stay in the marriage BUT also consider that it will do your children no good if their dad dies of a stroke or a heart attack or loses all of his marbles.

You have been dealt a terrible blow, and it will take a while to recover. Please continue to think of your children and be a great dad, but also consider that if you are THAT depressed and not yourself, that you will not be able to be that "best dad that you can be" for your kids. At some point, you may decide that you have to "save yourself" in order to be able to save them.

As your kids get older and mature, your example and your guidance will be very important to them. Take care of yourself, see your doctor, exercise and eat right and sleep right.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Oh, how nice of her! She has all the answers, huh?
> 
> _Just stop living in the past_. Yeah. Right. If only it were that easy.
> 
> ...


More info on this please. How does it play out?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Augusto said:


> What has been lost is my dream. That dream being of myself and my wife growing old together. Growing old bushy eyebrows for my grand-kids to pull on as my wife would be baking cookies and such. That was my dream that was shattered. Is there a future now? I do not know. I have no vision of the future. Perhaps it was what I wanted and now I cannot see. If it happens later in life , Great! But will the dream be altered in anyway? *Will she be able to be with me and feel trusted? *Will she feel I can trust her by then? Because it will be a very long time for me to trust her again. And if that takes too long for her then I guess it was never going to work do to her choices. Which pretty much means she would do this again. I mean when you throw away your spouse like garbage, you essentially throw away any meaningful memory whether good or bad. Everything we built together becomes a waste of time especially if I was worth gambling away for someone else. Memories became worthless to me when I read that she loved another. She tells me to stop living in the past so I guess I really should think that our 13 years of marriage are not worth having either. After all, it is in the past. If good memories are not enough to make you happy and stay loyal and true to your spouse, how can you truly see a good future?


OP if you want the right answers you have to ask the right questions


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Augusto,

Your wife wished that you were dead so that she could fornicate without guilt. Strangely, on TAM one can often read that people it would be better that their cheating spouse had died, for dealing with the living cheater is very difficult.

Your wife is a weak person. She is not trustworthy. However, she may not be a bad-hearted person. Do you think she knows the difference between good and evil? How does she treat people in everyday life. Is she generally kind? Is she a jealousy, envious shrew?

If you think her personality has redeeming features, perhaps she will repair her character. You cannot do it for her. What you can do is work on yourself. Make yourself stronger. Do not depend on her for your happiness.

Do a modified 180.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> "Stop living in the past" as in your past together or her past with the OM?
> 
> Are you in reconciliation now?


Yup....trying anyway
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Augusto

What do you really want out of life?

And who do you really want to share it with?

*You are a saint. But most saints do not have happy endings.*

And someone asked this but I will say it again:

What is your wife doing to heal the marriage? To heal your family? To heal you?

Because your wife has done a lot of damage. And you have definitely suffered greatly at her hands.

One last question.

What do you need to do to not feel like Plan B?

HM


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Augusto said:


> Yup....trying anyway
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am so sorry you are going through all this. It is so very painful..

Augusto You Must love yourself more than you love your wife.

Once that happens, you will see the light.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Augusto,

How old are you?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> Augusto,
> 
> How old are you?



Ancient!!! 37
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Augusto said:


> Ancient!!! 37
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


EXCUSE ME!!!!!!!!!!!

You Sir, are not ancient!!! I refuse to believe you are ancient!!!
) I am 36 so nope! we are not ancient!)


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Lol, really man, you are pretty Young, we have many users that have rebuild their lifes in the 50's.

BTW I left you a post in your main Thread, I hope you had time to chek it

I know you will probably ignore it, but I read something today that pissed me of, it was about a OP whose situation was pretty bad, I did not posted what I thought because he wanted reconcilation and other users were encouraging him, today I found that his wife abuses make him commit a suicide attemp, he probably had ignored me but at least I would not be pissed for not writing what I thought.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> You are a saint.





MattMatt said:


> Yep. He is. Seriously.


Throwing your life away loving and pining over someone who doesn't love you does not make you a saint. I've said before, it doesn't matter how much you love them. The only thing that matters is how much they love you. How much of an azz kicking is he suppose to take off this vampire before he wises up and walks? Nothing is a worthless and will suck the life out of you than living with a spouse who not only doesn't love you, but wishes you were dead. I'd done traded her in like a worn out car.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Is this going to be another Augusto pity party? Who brought the chips?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Augusto said:


> Ancient!!! 37
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're at your maximum sexual market value right now, or you should be. do women ever hit on you? What's your workout like?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Last thread he did, a lot if people have him good advice which he ignored then he went dark. 

Are you going to do that again Augusto?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

well there are some users that don't come for advice, instead they just print they feelings with the hope to relieve some of the pain they are carrying.

like "justgrinding" who ignored advices when those were not conciliable with what he had already decided


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

After reading some of these, and if I didn't know better, I'd think some guys are just destined to be hurt by love and jerked around by their spouses. It's like my FIL, CSM (retired) GWO, of Project Delta 5th Spc Forces Viet Nam would say, "soldier, you ain't gonna win no battles laying around licking your wounds".


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

manticore said:


> well there are some users that don't come for advice, instead they just print they feelings with the hope to relieve some of the pain they are carrying.
> 
> like "justgrinding" who ignored advices when those were not conciliable with what he had already decided


Yes, but my sympathy level for such people is severely limited.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

Jesus OP, she's got you wrapped up and she knows it.

There is not one single damn thing I can think of that justifies giving her a second chance at all. I mean at ALL. She wanted you dead just to get her way, how f#%ked up is that?

I couldn't even picture giving her a second chance to be a sexfriend, let alone my wife.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

He is no saint. He is a doormat. I get sick of people always saying that. I feed the homeless. Am i good? Am i a bad person because i divorced my wife for cheating?

Call it what it is. There is no honor or kindness in accepting plan b from your wife.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Augusto---ancient at 37---no way---you easily got 50 more years of living to do, and possibly beyond that

You need to get this figured out---but figured out only for you, and your kids

There are lots of spouses who have A's, some are R'd, some are not---but no matter what happens, I am not sure, how a spouse moves on, knowing that your marital partner, the one who took sacred vows with you, the one who has your back thru thick and thin no matter what, would actually write down, she wishes you dead---so she can be with another man-----HOW COULD YOU HAVE ANY LOVE FOR THAT PERSON----how could you be anywhere near that person, and not be puking at the sight of her.

There could only be pity, that she is so small minded, that she wishes you dead, so she can be with another---there is no defense for her----she wrote those words, she wanted that to happen---she wanted her children to continue life WITHOUT THEIR FATHER, SO SHE COULD BE WITH ANOTHER MAN

Your wife is one very horrible person, there is nothing she could do to make up for that thought----SHE WANTS THIS PUT IN THE PAST---PUT IT IN THE PAST, AS IN MAKING HER A SINGLE, WOMAN WITH THE LABEL, OF CHEATER, WHO HAS 4 CHILDREN TO FEED ON HER OWN----4 CHILDREN THAT SHE ACTUALLY WISHED WERE FATHERLESS

You are destroying yourself---you need to get out of this mge, you will not heal, with her there in front of you day after day, she is the trigger----the only way you stop the hurting, is to move your life forward---WITHOUT THIS WOMAN, who would wish you dead, so she could be with another man----then to rub it all in your face, and come back to you, ONLY CUZ HE THREW HER OVER, TO STAY WITH HIS OWN FAMILY----it left her with nowhere to go---so she came back to the man she wished dead-----sad state of affairs for your whole family-----You truly are a saint, to stay in that home day after day, dealing with a woman, who would want you dead, and her children fatherless


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## truth hurts truth frees (Nov 14, 2013)

Augusto, legally separate while you still have a few fond memories of her. Go out, date again. If you both can reconcile a few years down the line, remarry. It is not about punishing your WS. It is about regaining your self-respect and your own emotional reconciliation.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Is this going to be another Augusto pity party? Who brought the chips?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know what....I am not asking for any pitty. So save it. I have been through hell and back. I only posted a few times. Figuring out my life is not easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Augusto said:


> You know what....I am not asking for any pitty. So save it. I have been through hell and back. I only posted a few times. Figuring out my life is not easy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You arrived in hell courtesy of your cheating wife, but believe me when I say you are not "back" just yet. You have barely taken a few steps.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Ironically my wife used the expression, "I want to grow old with you". She used this in 1999 after cheating. Again in 2010 when she cheated and then again in 2011 and 2013.

Now that she is chronically ill as of July 2013, Where does she turn?

You are young Augusto, very young. Keep your options opened and take what wisdom we older folks have to share. I don't know enough of your story but I will say this, if I had 1999 to do all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have walked without any regrets.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thorburn said:


> Ironically my wife used the expression, "I want to grow old with you". She used this in 1999 after cheating. Again in 2010 when she cheated and then again in 2011 and 2013.
> 
> Now that she is chronically ill as of July 2013, Where does she turn?
> 
> You are young Augusto, very young. Keep your options opened and take what wisdom we older folks have to share. I don't know enough of your story but I will say this, if I had 1999 to do all over again, knowing what I know now, I would have walked without any regrets.


No kiding!!!!
Been there...

Having been here for a while and in my own experience I know that a wayward can go straight for 5,10, 15 years before relapasing and go back to the SOS.


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