# I know my wife is cheating, again, and I dont know what to do......



## danny1399 (Apr 5, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for over 23 years. When we were first married I caught her in a relationship with a man that lived in a completely different state. She had never met him. Only spoke to him on a computer and over the phone. She was going to leave me, take my two children and go live with him. When I caught her she told me that not only had this happened but she had also kissed and messed around with other men at her old job. She wanted me to get mad enough to tell her to leave so that she could be with the guy that lived in another state. We started to talk about what had happened and she blamed me. She told me that since we had gotten married that we seemed to argue alot and I raised my voice and seemed not like the man she wanted to marry. So instead of bringing this up to me and going to counseling or hell even giving me a chance to change she went out seeking attention from other men. She told me that she was done messing around. That she was going to concentrate on our marriage and stay with me. Now we are in our forties. I retired from the military and she is going to school on the gi bill benefit that I gave to her. 18 months ago I caught her being very chatty with a "classmate" about 17 years her junior. She told me that he was just a friend and that he was a homosexual and it was no big deal. I asked her if it was no big deal to please break off whatever the relationship was for me. She told me sure and that she was very sad that she hurt me. Then I foundout days later that she hadnt stopped talking to him and then I brought it up to her and she sat down and wrote him an email telling him that she didnt want to talk to him anymore because it was upsetting her husband. I thought that was a great step for us.
Now my wife has her phone locked and on her person at all times, has changed her passwords to all her sites that she uses and asked me to buy her a laptop for school which I did but she has it locked all the time and only uses her computer not the home computer to access the internet. My gut tells me she is cheating again. I cant prove it. I have brought it up to her and she says she isnt and she says that she cant take me accusing her anymore. So she has class this semester and she goes to school Weds and Thursdays. I had often thought that if class was canceled or changed I would never know if she was actually going to class or not. Well this semester her class that she goes to meets Weds and Thursdays but only for the first 3 weeks.
This coming week and from now on she only has class one day a week. I got a copy of the syllabus and added the days to my personal calendar. This Weds she is off. I know when I come home from work she is going to be gone "at class" I dont know if I should bring it up to her before hand. Call her during the night and ask her where the hell she is or wait until she comes home spewing lies about her class and then bust her. Either way Im pretty sure by Thursday Im going to be separated ;(.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

If what you say is true, your wife sounds like a serial cheater - unless you think she lied about the other men at her work to try to get you to divorce her. Yes she's cheating. You should contact a mod and have this moved to the CWI forum.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

When you accused her of cheating, which she denied, did you then tell her to be open with you about her passwords, and keep her computer unlocked, etc.? In a marriage, privacy is only for the bathroom.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have some choices.

1. You can accept that you have an open marriage. Maybe you can find a girlfriend.
2. You can decide that you won't accept a second, or third, affair from your wife. And you can divorce her.
2. You can decide that you want to end her affair by confronting her. Demand all her passwords immediately. Don't give her a day or two to sanitize her machines and accounts before she gives you the passwords. Holding divorce papers while you make the demand would give you more leverage.
3. You can try to end her affair by finding ironclad evidence of cheating. A few states do consider adultery in divorce settlements. So, finding evidence may help you in a divorce case. Of course, this also means giving your wife time to (perhaps) move from an emotional affair to a physical one.

If you decide not to accept her affairs, I recommend doing a 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

First thing you should do is go online and open an account with your/her cell phone provider. Look at the volume of calls/texts to one number. When you see that there are an alarming number, second step is to get a VAR (voice-activated recorder) and Velcro it securely under her car seat. She likely talks to her lover in her car. Don't accuse her anymore until you have solid evidence. Accusing her makes her hide her tracks better.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

VAR in the car is the way to go. But why are you putting up with all the passwords?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

That or just demand access to her communications and that brand new locked down laptop
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont tell her that you know she doesnt have class on Wed, and follow her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

danny, welcome aboard. Sorry you're here for this. And thank you for your service.

Your gut is your best indicator. If you think things are wrong, they probably are.

So given your situation do you want to remain married to her?

Something I have come to really believe is that you know what you know. You don't have to prove to anybody what you know. You can make decisions for yourself based on what you know, what you believe, and what you feel.

You already have enough data to take action and make decisions.

So there is no reason to gather more intel unless there is a specific benefit to you. It could be you want concrete proof before ending a marriage. It could be there is a financial benefit in divorce. It could be a social/family benefit to you.

I think it is completely valid for you to tell your wife her actions as you already have observed them are not acceptable to you. Her one chance at this very moment to reverse course is to implement total complete transparency with all of her electronics. She can hand you her phone and hand you her laptop right now. She can write down all of her passwords to all of her emails, social media, etc.

There are two possibilities here. One is she has not been in an affair but she has been intentionally provoking you by pretending to be. She has been intentionally secretive with her phone and laptop in order to irritate you. If this is the case you will discover nothing in her phone or laptop. Or, possibility two is that she has been in some kind of affair and you will find evidence in her phone and computer.

If you go this route don't just hand them back to her after a quick look. You have to dig into deleted files and try to recover lost chat sessions or hidden files.

Other options might be to hire a PI to follow her, put a gps tracker on her car, or put the VAR in her car. 

For some reason many suspicious spouses, me included, are hesitant to take a firm stand right up front. You have every right to see what is on her phone and computer. You have every right to know what is in her emails and other messages. You have every right to know if she is engaged in some form of disloyal behavior. 

If she refuses to hand over her electronics and all passwords, would you be willing to divorce her? Is that enough data for you? If so, just do it. You'll save yourself a lot of time and anguish in trying to prove what you know. If you need more data your best bet is to stay silent on the issue and collect intel via the spytech.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've gotten good advise on the tools you need her.

VAR in her car, access the phone bill. If you can access the phones GPS to track her do so. 

Hire a PI to follow her Wednesday, while you show up home early,

Get a semen detection kit and check her panties after she gets home.

Don't confront too quickly and never reveal your sources.


I would suggest faking a failure of the home PC so you can borrow hers. Alternatively put clear finger nail polish on her power adapter connectors so hers can charge. Then offer to take it for repair for her.

While its in your possession you can get into it and install a key logger.

You can also make a copy of her hard drive so you can sift through at your leisure.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

danny1399 said:


> When we were first married I caught her in a relationship with a man that lived in a completely different state. *RED FLAG*
> she had also kissed and messed around with other men at her old job. *RED FLAG*
> 
> We started to talk about what had happened and she blamed me. *RED FLAG *- Blame shifting.
> ...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Retired military? What do you think she was doing all those times you were deployed? She definitely sounds like a serial cheater to me.


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## jims1020 (Apr 6, 2013)

This chick needs to go. Respect yourself. Kick her to the curb and move along.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Retired military? What do you think she was doing all those times you were deployed? She definitely sounds like a serial cheater to me.


Not only that, she is going to take a huge chunk of his retirement pay when they divorce.


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## xftcyrpz (Apr 6, 2013)

She likely talks to her lover in her car. Don't accuse her anymore until you have solid evidence. Accusing her makes her hide her tracks better.


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