# Regaining that spark



## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Ok, so I would say that in the past year and a half my sex life with my husband has declined. At first I didn’t think much of it since we were still doing it twice a week and we were both satisfied. I figured with both age and work, this was normal and the key words - we were both satisfied. At least I was, and my husband didn’t make any mention of it either. 

Now our sex life has declined ever more. I would say my husband gets sexual gratification from me at least once a week through oral or PIV but here’s the problem. I will sometimes give him a quick BJ or HJ because he is horny and get nothing in return. In past I was ok with this as he would make up for it later but now I am finding myself going without sex for up to two weeks at a time and am becoming very frustrated. We have discussed this many times and always hit a roadblock of sorts. For instance, this weekend I gave my husband a BJ/HJ for a good 45 minutes to hour and focussed all the pleasure on him. Aunt Flo was visiting so I told the next day we were to go and he seemed satisfied and said he would make up for my lack of pleasure. So the next day rolls around, I initiate sex and he turns me down claiming he’s too tired. I am ok with this. I try the next night and his excuse is it’s too late. I was too tired the next night so I didn’t initiate and then last night I mentioned it but he didn’t seem too enthused so I didn’t take it any further. He'll eventually give in and have sex but then the sex repeats and I go without sex for another 10-14 days.

This has taken a real hit at my self esteem. I feel undesirable and I feel like giving up. I have tried to be more affectionate during the day and evening but when it comes to hit the sheets there is always an excuse and it is becoming rare for my husband to initiate.

I also find when we do have sex; my husband is really resistant about going to the nether regions. He used to give me oral but it has become a rare occurrence happening maybe once every few months and even touching down there is becoming a thing of the past. It is like he is scared of my vagina. Or sometimes the situation is the opposite. At times, my husband becomes hyper focused on me having the big O so he’ll hammer away solely on my clit which causes more pain than pleasure. I have told him to just enjoy the ride and if it happens it happens but if not that is ok too. 

So what do I do? I feel very unsatisfied in my relationship sexually and it is leading to frustration, anger and sadness on my part.

I should add that my husband and I discussed this issue a few months ago and I found out that he was using porn 2-3 times a week. I was really hurt that he felt the need to use porn instead of me and after some thought and research on men and porn I asked him to quit. He says he has but deep down I don’t think he has or he would want me more. Would it be intrusive on me to go through his history and look to see if he is viewing porn and if he is, do I confront him even though I was the one snooping?

Prior to all this, my husband and I had a great sex life. Now I just feel like he has become a lazy lover.

Before anyone asks, I highly doubt my husband is having an affair. He’s never gone for long periods of time or has shown any clues to having an affair.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Browser history probably won't yield any clues. Most browsers now have "private mode" built in that automatically removes history.

You could try a keylogger program if you really suspect that's the problem. Or maybe have an "accident" that disables your wifi for a week or so.

How's your overall communication in the bedroom (and out)? You mentioned his resistance to going down on you, and that his technique leaves something to be desired. Have you communicated your concerns about these to him with specifics? Or have you just mentioned that you want more sex? If you don't let him know that they sex you do have is unsatisfying, you can't expect him to know on his own.

Also--stop with the unreciprocated oral. And let him know why. Unreciprocated oral is fine as long as it's a two way street.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Also--stop with the unreciprocated oral. And let him know why. Unreciprocated oral is fine as long as it's a two way street.


:iagree:

No more HJs/BJs for him until he can reciprocate the same kind of attention in that department for you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

1. how long married and what ages?

2. sounds like porn is a problem.
a lot of men claim porn is not a problem for them because they 
still attend to their wives and it actually enhances their sexual 
relationship with their wives because it keeps their libido very 
high. I'm not going to debate that point, but only to say that 
when porn is a major factor and they AREN'T attending to their 
wives then it is certainly a big problem. It is at that point 
substituting for their wife. Even if he has stopped, their is 
residual damage and needs to be repaired. i.e. the porn images
and turn on must be purged from his brain and redirected to 
a real person meaning you.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Indeed Muffin I understand your confusion and feelings I would be as well, most confusing for you. For sure things are out of balance you see to his needs but he is reticent in returning yours. How odd even to not wanting to caress special places.

So let’s see:

Talked to him, check you said many times what was reaction?
Any health or performance type issue recent?
Any emotional upset?

If none of the above time to get on top of this figurative and literal bull by the horn. Next session in bed your going to please me wither you in mood or not boy and say one word about it I will tell you exactly why while showing you what I want even if I got to take you by the hand to remind you. Wake up call don’t get all lazy on me this is a relationship and needs work every day.

Could just be a comfortable slump he has fallen into ring the bell and wake him up. Relationship sounds solid so just some tuning the engine is not a big deal, take some control if you don’t your resentment will get deep entrenched and cause harm to you. So just simple make it fun, don’t know dynamics of your relationship but a bit of Alpha girl in bed might be ok with him so try it if it fits and leave him in no doubt what job needs doing. 

Hope you work it out.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Regarding porn, I often will bring up something real steamy shortly before my lady gets home, kinda like a kick-start to get me going (not that it's needed). It is a severe rarity that I watch porn solely to get myself off. Masturbation is incredibly rare for me, but that's me.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

That is very demoralizing to put yourself out there like that repeatedly and get shot down.

Some suggestions:

1. If you haven't already, have an honest discussion with your husband where you lay out your issues. I actually think the way you did it here sounds pretty fair minded. Try to keep the emotion to a minimum and avoid a back and forth with him. Just ask him to listen and think about your issue.

2. If you've already had this conversation and it went no where, I think you need to start trying to take an objective look at yourself and what you might be able to do to improve things. This is a hard thing to accept that maybe you could do more since it sounds like your husband is dropping the ball. The logic behind this advice is that if you up your game, he may respond positively.

Some practical steps in the direction of point 2
- focus on your fitness. Are you in the best shape you could be in?

- How are you dressing? Are you in old lady or mom mode? This is not meant as an insult. Be objective. Could you dress sexier?

- What is your husband watching in terms of p*rn? Can you find out? Are the women in the p*rn doing things that you refuse? I am not saying you should do anything you find degrading, but are you willing to be open to trying new things?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> :iagree:
> 
> No more HJs/BJs for him until he can reciprocate the same kind of attention in that department for you.


I agree, he doesn't appreciate what you are doing for him, he sounds LD and you probably just have to live with that.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sounds like porn is getting him off more and you less. Is your H in shape?

Sometimes porn is just too easy. No effort and instant visual and audio gratification.

Sex with a partner takes effort and being unselfish at times.

He may be hooked on the easy off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Buy yourself some sex toys and masturbate in bed right beside him.

Be loud.
Have fun.

He will get the hint, especially if you reject him a few times.
When he asks, say, nah, I am good.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

lovesmanis said:


> Buy yourself some sex toys and masturbate in bed right beside him.
> 
> Be loud.
> Have fun.
> ...


:lol::lol:
If he doesn't get the hint then there is something wrong with him!

Clearly something is up....if the OP is giving him BJ's/HJ's (the lucky ba$tard!) and he is not 'returning the compliment'...Ummmm.

Porn might be the issue. A guy who watches porn in private WILL get hard and WILL masturbate. So if he's watching porn 2-3 times a week and then once by a BJ with his wife = 3-4 ejaculations a week. Thats not bad, assuming he's 35-45ish.

Cut down on the porn me thinks!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

muffin1983 said:


> Ok, so I would say that in the past year and a half my sex life with my husband has declined.
> 
> ... I figured with both age and work, this was normal and the key words - we were both satisfied. At least I was, and my husband didn’t make any mention of it either.
> 
> ...


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