# A little confuesd



## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

Hello people

Need some advice. Married now for 4yrs this March, but have been together 9yrs this May, we also have 3 young kids together. I Found out that my wife wants to liaise with a chap she went to school with (30yrs ago). She left her skype open and I happened to find this open with some details that belonged to this chap in question (she had requested and accepted friendship) I was not meant to find this. I was shocked, and it left me thinking what was going on, so the next day I checked her email (I know) and found that she had sent an email to this guy stating that I had seen his details and that I was very upset about it and that they should wait for things to calm down before they spoke and that if there was anything else he should contact her via her "OTHER" facebook account...well I did flipout a tad..and have been flipped out for some time now..albeit that this chap is a fair few miles away form where we are it bugs me..when I confronted my wife about this she stated that nothing was going on and that nothing was going to go on and that she merely wanted to talkk to this guy in "PRIVATE" and that he had issues..ok then why the secrecy?..I asked her if she was ever going to tell me what was going on and what they were discussing, My wife is a lovely woman, a teacher and is unfortunbate not to be working at the moment and does spend a lot of time on facebook (3hrs a day)to communicate with friends and also to job search I know not who she talks to and about what the speak, when I am sat in the same room she ignores me and pays more attention to facebook, we rarely sit together on the sofa to cuddle up,  fool around (not intimately) but more like bf & gf you know the kinda stuff I am talking about, we are married we need things like this to feel real still..as I think that it is important to try and keep the feelings between us as different and variable as possible, be it walking outside or otherwise..she does not like this..I have since removed skype from our pc and have urged her to tell me what the true intentions were (if any) but she still maintains that it was just a "gossip thing" she denies that she has done wrong and technically she has not but the idea of her maintaining this "emotional" conatct with another guy is quite discomforting and she does not see that, she thinks that it is totally innocent "without me knowing" she is liasing with this chap. I have never stopped nor will I ever stoip her talking to friends and family, but why the secrecy?..why the need to communicate through skype and not make me aware of what she was doing? I have given in and re-installed skype and apparently she does not want to communicate with him...?? I am now made to feel bad. We are due to go for counselling next week, but could do with a ouside viewpoint of what's gone on and whether or not its fair...she denies having another facebook account and says that it belongs to him, but the message clearly said "my other facebook" she is a teacher and I cant see how she could have made such a silly error with the verb "to be"...

Regards


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

You are being a doormat and she is walking all over you and lying the whole time. 

Counselling probably won't help; she'll lie to the counseller and you'll get told that your lack of trust is pushing her away or some such nonsense. 

You need to take control of your marriage.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

Reading your post 2 possibilities come to mind.

Given the way you and your wife communicate it is likely that she has a series of issues she is not happy with in your relationship. She may feel uncomfortable discussing them, she may also not know how to describe them even though she feels them or be otherwise unwilling to.

The second possibility is the insecure emotional energy you bring when around her. The lack of intimacy you mentioned suggests she feels low attraction for you and she is naturally trying to supplement that from other sources. Ironically it is you feeling insecure about her communications that contributes to the feeling. 

While each woman is different in general they experience attraction when exposed to certain behaviours in her partner such as: 

- confidence, leadership, decisiveness
- control your reality, social mastery
- have a still centre, nothing phases you
- calm deep tone of voice, relaxed confident assertive body language
- unashamed

Often during the course of a long term relationship men loose focus on the behaviours that generated attraction in the beginning. If this is the case it explains why she does not talk about it because she feels the lack of attraction but cannot name the feeling as such and even if she did she knows mentioning it would hurt you and she does not know what would improve things. 

To improve the situation look at the emotional energy you are bringing when interacting with her and make diligent efforts to adjust it along the lines mentioned above.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I would suggesting asking a moderator to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum, you will get lots of opinions and advice there. 

I agree with MSP, she is lying to you. Get a keylogger and get into the other FB account.


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

Thanks for that

I have just noticed that she has re-contacted this chap again, should I see how it develops? she did this whilst I was in town, and she was on a course should I ask her if she had access to internet this afternoon or not?..


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You need to gather evidence and print it out if you can. Have you downloaded a keylogger? 

I am not the best person to give you advice but if you browse through the Coping w Infidelity forum you will see lots of threads about what to do at this stage.


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

FreedomCorp said:


> Hello,
> 
> Reading your post 2 possibilities come to mind.
> 
> ...




Thank you, that makes very interesting reading and I will look to sort it out, maybe ask her to put down on paper all the things that she is not happy with about in our relarionship and I can then take that away and look to put them right.

What do you think?, at least if she cant express it vocally she could jot them down.

Regards


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

Heats of oak said:


> Thank you, that makes very interesting reading and I will look to sort it out, maybe ask her to put down on paper all the things that she is not happy with about in our relarionship and I can then take that away and look to put them right.
> 
> What do you think?, at least if she cant express it vocally she could jot them down.
> 
> Regards


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Heats of oak said:


> Thank you, that makes very interesting reading and I will look to sort it out, maybe ask her to put down on paper all the things that she is not happy with about in our relarionship and I can then take that away and look to put them right.
> 
> What do you think?, at least if she cant express it vocally she could jot them down.
> 
> Regards


I would suggest that you do talk to her on the issue to find out if indeed that is the case. I would suggest approaching the topic indirectly as that is more comfortable and considered polite for sensitive topics for most women. Keep your wording positive Words such as "honey if we had the opportunity would you like to do more fun activities such as ... (you need to list something you perhaps used to do and was fun)"

I would however advise against asking her directly on how to improve. Firstly she will likely have difficulty expressing how lack of attraction feels. That is because while she does experience the feeling she is usually not aware of the cause or have a proper name for it. Thus explanations such as "I am just bored", "we used to have fun and now I don't know", "you changed" are common but not very revealing to a man. 

Indeed part of the attractive attitude "controlling your reality" is that you are supposed to know what the issue is and how to solve it. She subconciousely expects that and will be attracted to that. She may lose attraction if you ask her what you need to do. She is usually attracted to leadership and leaders and confident people know what to do.


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

FreedomCorp said:


> I would suggest that you do talk to her on the issue to find out if indeed that is the case. I would suggest approaching the topic indirectly as that is more comfortable and considered polite for sensitive topics for most women. Keep your wording positive Words such as "honey if we had the opportunity would you like to do more fun activities such as ... (you need to list something you perhaps used to do and was fun)"
> 
> I would however advise against asking her directly on how to improve. Firstly she will likely have difficulty expressing how lack of attraction feels. That is because while she does experience the feeling she is usually not aware of the cause or have a proper name for it. Thus explanations such as "I am just bored", "we used to have fun and now I don't know", "you changed" are common but not very revealing to a man.
> 
> Indeed part of the attractive attitude "controlling your reality" is that you are supposed to know what the issue is and how to solve it. She subconciousely expects that and will be attracted to that. She may lose attraction if you ask her what you need to do. She is usually attracted to leadership and leaders and confident people know what to do.


You superstar!..I am already trying to find the best way to resolve whats happening. 

I totally get where your coming from and will set about to fix these right away as I love my family, it is of course, now very delicate and extra care will have to be taken, I have already apologiesd to her for it as I did indeed feel very sheepish about the way I did carry on regarding the whole affair, rightly or wrongly there is something that I have to do to fix it and like you mentioned earlier it could be something I have forgotten to do as a man that could be a reason..and I get the "controling of reality" thing to I wanna make it work.

Thanks again


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Heats of oak said:


> I totally get where your coming from and will set about to fix these right away as I love my family, it is of course, now very delicate and extra care will have to be taken, I have already apologiesd to her for it as I did indeed feel very sheepish about the way I did carry on regarding the whole affair, rightly or wrongly there is something that I have to do to fix it and like you mentioned earlier it could be something I have forgotten to do as a man that could be a reason..and I get the "controling of reality" thing to I wanna make it work.
> 
> Thanks again


I'm sorry but I think you are taking the wrong approach. 

Your wife was deceiful and she has a budding relationship with this man. 

No doubt you have done things wrong in your marriage and once you have headed off the relationshionship she is pursuing then you can look at fixing those things. In the meantime you have to make it clear to her that her behaviour is not acceptable and it putting your marriage at risk.

She is the one in the wrong here and you are apologising for it! Being weak is the last thing you want to do right now. She will not respect you for it and she will see it as a green light to continue her relationship. 

There are many posts where loyal spouses have followed the route you are following and have ended up being cheated on.


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I'm sorry but I think you are taking the wrong approach.
> 
> Your wife was deceiful and she has a budding relationship with this man.
> 
> ...


I understand. Which she has done by re-contacting him again.. I have made her aware of the risks she is running by not being open and honest (which she claims she is). My wife is from abroad so it would be difficult if we were to split or otherwise I am on line and she has been for the last 2hrs but as soon as I appeared online she disconnected, I have also noticed that she is not sharing her comments on links anymore too..she will of course slip up again if she claims that it is innocent


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

Heats of oak said:


> Thank you, that makes very interesting reading and I will look to sort it out, maybe ask her to put down on paper all the things that she is not happy with about in our relarionship and I can then take that away and look to put them right.
> 
> What do you think?, at least if she cant express it vocally she could jot them down.
> 
> Regards


Is it possible that she is havimng an emotional affair?..I


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Heats of oak said:


> Is it possible that she is havimng an emotional affair?..I


I thought that is what we have been telling you already.


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## Heats of oak (Feb 9, 2012)

sorry..long day..2am here..cant sleep


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I thought that is what we have been telling you already.


I think he doubled up his thread. Webmaster needs to nix one of them.


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