# Why does he do that?



## [email protected] (Oct 30, 2017)

It all started with breaking things, spitting, pushing me up against a wall to choking me.
I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 13 years. I was 17 when we got married and he was 4 years older. I grew up with a verbally abusive mother and he grew up with a mother who was addicted to pain killers. Needless to say his mother was very absent in his life. 
We did not have the perfect marriage. In fact it has been rocky since day one. But we did love each other dearly when we got married. In fact I still love him...
There were emotional affairs and physical affairs on my part and he forgave me every time. Not proud of admitting it and it hurts every time I even think about it. We are finally older now and all that crap ended several years ago. We are both very successful in our careers and have beautiful children. They are all under the age of 8. 
The breaking of things started the first 6 months of our marriage. From breaking cups, to punching holes in walls to breaking whatever came his way if he was upset. Kids have seen it. Then, when I was pregnant with my last, my husband resorted to spitting on my face when we argued and I would have to shower after because it was horrible. He then moved onto pushing me a couple of times and we separated. I kicked him out for 4 months, he got the mental and physical help he needed and after 4 counseling sessions he moved back in the home. NOT SMART AT ALL. He was incredible the first year after our separation. I cant say enough about how patient, sweet, understanding and humble he was during that time. I truly felt he had changed.
Then things started going back to the way they were. Never once did he spit on me but he went back to breaking things. I would become so frustrated that I would ask him "why would you break this" and he would literally stand there and deny that the object was broken. The item would be clearly shattered into pieces and he would tell me it wasn't. It was truly disturbing.
The final incident was horrible. We were arguing because he works on average 60 hours a week. He is an amazing provider and truly cares about giving his family all that he can. We had no time together and I woke up begging him to not work overtime that weekend. He became angry very fast and told me I knew he had to work. He felt we dont support him and felt we didnt understand him. He called me ungrateful, entitled and everything else that came to mind. We kept arguing and honestly, I should have left it alone but since we never ever have time to talk I felt we had to finish the discussion that morning. Well it escalated to the point of him yelling so loud he woke up my youngest. He then locked himself in the room because he no longer felt like talking. I asked him to open the door and kept pushing to ask him to open. He finally opened the door, grabbed me and said "is this what you want?". That is when he choked me. At no point did I loose my breath but i still have a mark on my neck from his thumb and its been 2 months.. Police were involved, we went to court and because I didn't want him to loose his job if he got charges on his record and because I wholeheartedly believed he would seek the proper help he needed, I plead 5th.
Shortly after charges were dropped, we started to slowly spend time as a family but not living together. We were still not able to properly discuss the choking incident because he became very upset every time I brought it up. He would be angry, start blaming me for not walking away, for not being there for him in the past, he even has gone on to say he feels like "his family threw him away".
So as I was saying, the weeks after the court date have been an emotional rollercoaster. One day he would cry and tell me Im the most beautiful woman, that if he dated again he would look for someone just like me beause I fufill everything he wants in a person. And a few hours later he would call me cursing me on the phone yelling at me and telling me he wants nothing to do with me because he thinks Im a dangerous, manipulative person. Just to call back a few hours later again, cry, apologize and say he wants his family back.
Once again I would be understanding and compassionate with him. 
Then we would do this type of cycle over and over again every day. Some days he would be very nice and charming in the morning and super angry at night. 
Recently last week he spent the night on Sunday, woke up fine on Monday and later told me he didn't want me to think he was trying to get back with me. Then on Tuesday he asked me for money and I told him I didn have any to spare. A few hours later he told me he didnt need the money, he was just testing to see if I would be there for him. Then he would cry with me saying he wants his family back and he is scared to come back. See, he still at this point not admitted to the fact that he choked me. The closest thing to admitting is that he has said "I believe you when you say I choked you". I have shown him the mark on my neck and he says he sees it but for some reason of this world he still doesn't admit it. 
So moving after the whole money situation on Tuesday, he asked me to go to coffee on Wednesday and said he is filing for divorce. He is filing for divorce?

Im hurt, im shocked, I am pretty sure Im in some kind of denial and I don't understand a lot of his behavior.

When he was telling me that he was going to divorce me he started by saying "I will say my statements, you will not give your opinion or your concern. You will not say anything". I hate that he talks to me like that and I even told him I didn't think thats how conversations work. He told me he loves me but he is tired of wondering if he is a good guy or not and that he knows he is a good guy. He also said I think he is a monster and he cant be with someone who thinks that. See, I have never actually told him he is a monster or that I think he is one. Yes I have been verbally abusive in the past and said things that were very critical. I also know that recently he has been reading a book about border line personality and narcissism because he believes I have both! I have talked to my therapist about this and she does not see how he can diagnose me with that.

These past two months I have been going to therapy and I no longer engage in anger with him. I have learned the art of patience in levels I never thought possible and have felt overly compassionate for him. When he is not dealing with this horrible behavior he is an awesome, caring guy who loves his family. He is a very good dad to our children and I adore that about him.

1- I want desperately to help my family. I want to help us and learn a way to reconciliation with the proper professional help.
2-I don't understand his back and forth.
3-Why doesn't he admit to what he has done?
4-Why is he the one who is angry at his family?
5-Could this be a temporary symptom he is feeling due to the trauma of realizing he physically abused me? (but again, he doesn't admit to doing it..)

I still have hope that one day he will realize and seek the proper help. Im willing to wait until he finishes whatever treatment he would have to do but he doesn't even think he needs to do any of that. How could he not want his family back? 

Im trying to be strong but I feel heartbroken.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

That is quite a life! Wow. I have tears streaming down my face. Not because I feel sorry for you, but because you are now free. Your husband did you a favor by filing for divorce. It is not a decision you ever would have come to mutually. It is a favor. A get out of jail free card. A window when a door closes. Whatever you want to call it, take it and begin your life. Good luck.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

He is an amazing provider that cares so much for me that he chokes me and spits on me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, he does all this because he is a broken person who cannot be fixed. Stop trying to fix him. Focus on healing and loving yourself.

He is NOT a good person. You're lucky he didn't kill you, and lucky that he filed for divorce and you escaped that madness.

If he is willing to choke his wife, I seriously doubt his ability to be a good father. If you can't seek full custody, watch those children like a hawk and call CPS at any sign of abuse from their father.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

[email protected] said:


> he has been reading a book about border line personality and narcissism because he believes I have both!


Another possibility, Mama, is that your H exhibits strong symptoms of BPD and is projecting his issues onto you. I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, verbal and physical abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD. 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for beast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage to a man who refuses to address his own anger issues.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Mama.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Another possibility, Mama, is that your H exhibits strong symptoms of BPD and is projecting his issues onto you. I mention this because the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, verbal and physical abuse, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD.
> 
> Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for beast cancer or a heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., remaining in a toxic marriage to a man who refuses to address his own anger issues.
> 
> I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_ to see if most sound very familiar. I suspect they will. If so, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells and raises questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Mama.


Take note of this, OP. A lot of BPD people will project their own issues onto their partner, gaslighting the partner to believe that SHE is the one with the problem. 

They are very tricky.

It makes you wonder where the hell they learn how to do this stuff!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And as you're learning about BPD and working on it with your therapist, you might also want to read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. When I saw your thread title, I thought you were going to say you'd read the book. It will help you understand that you can't fix him. That you need to protect yourself, work on yourself, and set up strong healthy boundaries until you're officially divorced.

Most importantly, your KIDS need ONE home that is healthy and safe and not scary or manipulative, so that they'll have a chance to grow up sane.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

turnera said:


> And as you're learning about BPD and working on it with your therapist, you might also want to read the book Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft. When I saw your thread title, I thought you were going to say you'd read the book. It will help you understand that you can't fix him. That you need to protect yourself, work on yourself, and set up strong healthy boundaries until you're officially divorced.
> 
> Most importantly, your KIDS need ONE home that is healthy and safe and not scary or manipulative, so that they'll have a chance to grow up sane.


Here's the link for the OP:

http://unityandstruggle.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf


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## [email protected] (Oct 30, 2017)

Thank you for your post. I am actually half way through that particular book. It has been eye opening. Its just hard to accept a lot of the things I read and truly accept the facts.


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## [email protected] (Oct 30, 2017)

Thank you for your encouragement.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you know, the reason I know so much about this stuff is my DD27 dated an abusive guy in high school. She was so traumatized that she started researching it. She ended up doing a project about it and making a presentation to all the girls in school (upon the principal's request). But during that, I read all the books she read. And this one, WDHDT, is generally considered THE bible on abuse, the most truthful and factual and realistic.


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## sadlyme (Nov 3, 2017)

Thank you for the link. The book is amazing!! I have told my therapist that I feel like I am verbally abused by my husband, this book helped me see all the things he did to manipulate me and make me feel like the issues were due to my behavior. I actually exhaled................Every woman should read this book, it gives insight and empowerment.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I completely agree.

Once you digest this, and are away from him, I suggest the book His Needs Her Needs, which will show you what a GOOD marriage looks like, as well as Getting The Love You Want, which will show you WHY you picked a POS for a partner, so you can avoid doing it in the future.


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