# going through separation...need help getting through it...



## npfl (Dec 29, 2013)

I am recently separated..... talking about like 3 days since we have decided to separate...

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have 3 kids together. In the summer he sat down and told me that he didn´t want to be with me anymore and I didn´t make him happy. We were both somewhat unhappy, he was very emotionally distant and I felt taken for granted most of the time. We were separated for many months but still lived together and slept in the same room for many months because we didn´t know how to deal with everything and didn´t know how to talk to the kids.

after many months of a tough situation we decided that he had to leave and that we needed time to clear our heads and think about what we wanted. At the time I thought different things, I was heart broken because he was leaving and very pissed off that he had all the time in the world to think while I had to put on a happy face all day in front of the kids and have no time to think myself...

He left for only a week and he asked to come home. He missed all of us and wanted to be a family. I was very happy that day but had my suspicions from the beginning that he had come back because he felt lonely and couldn´t be without the kids. Well I thought that things would slowly get better and we would make time for our marriage not just work and the kids. 

but 2 months have passed and things are the same. He is just as distant, no interest in doing things as a couple, I receive no attention and fell just as taking for granted and generally just as unloved as ever. So...i waited hoping things would get better.. but 3 days ago I decided to take the bull by the horns and just talk....

Well it was a really long conversation but ultimately he has no illusion to be with me but he still loves me and says that he is in love with me (thing that I can´t quite believe because if you are in love with someone you would have the illusion and interest the other person). We have never really fought and we are friends (which makes it a lot harder). We have decided that the best thing for us is to separate considering that we are not really happy and don´t know how to make things better.

I am really just looking for people to tell me their experiences and how to get though all this.... it is really hard to lose the most important thing in your life (apart form the kids of course) and fell like your heart breaks a little more with every second that passes.... need advice please...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I am reading a lot of relying on someone else to make you happy. Marriages take work and lots of communication.

Why is he distant? Why is he unhappy?

And why exactly are you unhappy? 

Have you guys considered counseling? Reading self help books?

I don't believe in jumping into divorce so quick with kids involved. You both might want to spend some time figuring out exactly what is going on and why your marriage isn't working. 

If you can do that, you may be able to fix this M...and if you can't then you are likely going to take the same issues into your next relationship.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

NPFL how old are you guys?? Is it possible your husband has some sort of medical condition causing this, cause it sounds like he is plain old depressed?? The other possibility is he is looking for or already has someone else on the side - hope not.

Regards JC


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Yeah something is surely wrong. Here on TAM, the first line of action is to find out if he is cheating on you. A marriage goes both ways so if someone can't give the love back, then something is definitely wrong. Find out why, then you know how to tackle the situation.

I am separated and just celebrated today, my second year of separation.  

It sucks. 14 years married flushed down the toilet. It took me basically one month for every year married to get over it. The odds are stacked against your relationship once you separate, so try and find out what's the root cause of the problem and go tackle it.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

I'm going through a similiar situation. Out of the blue he announced he wanted a divorce and cited many reasons why that left me confused. His reasons for divorce are things that can be fixed but only if both parties are willing to put in the worl and he isn't. We lived in the same house but separately for about a month and a half and I just moved out yesterday. He pretty much forced me out of the home after I found out by looking through his phone that he has started seeing someone else recently since he's announced he wants a divorce and while I was still in the home. We went from a happy marriage to nothing in a matter of months. Communication in a marriage is the key. I just have a hard time accepting a divorce. It seems like it is the easy wsy out for people that are too lazy or selfish to do the work to keep the relationship alive. You have to work at all relationships you have with those in your life but a marriage is a lifetime commitment and I think instead of taking it one day at a time people just see there current issues as things that will last the rest of the marriage which is simply not true. A therapist once said that many people think that communication is the most important key to hsbe a successful marriage but that isn't true. Having RESPECT for your partner is most important key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## npfl (Dec 29, 2013)

The first separation caught me by surprise because although I felt taken for granted at times and I knew that we needed to work on certain aspects of our marriage I was generally happy and know for certain that I wanted to be with my husband. His reasons were that we weren´t intimate anymore (which was true because we had just had a baby and I was getting no sleep and no help from him around the house and was feeling resentful) and he also said things like I didn´t take care of myself enough (also true) and that I wasn´t a good housekeeper (which made me feel even more awful because he has never even washed the dishes and has no idea what housework is like with 3 small children)

during the 1st separation we were very hurtful towards each other and did things we now regret. I thought at the time that he had someone else in his life and from what he has told me, he did have a emotional affair of sorts (which is still something that hurts but I am willing to forgive) and I now understand that this person was influencing certain behavior that was making me go nuts at the time because it was so out of character for him. I worked on myself during this time and took better care of myself and started getting my self-esteem back bit by bit. 

I have always talked about self help books or going to MC but he doesn´t think it will work and is not interested. I would love some guidance on books to work on myself and get back on track.

I do honestly think that if he is in love with me like he says but has just lost interest in me as a couple that he could be depressed because he says that he has no interest in doing stuff on his own either. The problem here is that he doesn´t see what he wants clearly. And I think that we could be very happy together and would go to MC in a second. But I judge this by my feelings for him and not his for me. He doesn´t feel the same way. 

I don´t take separation lightly and it breaks my heart every time I look at my children but I just can´t fight for this marriage on my own. We both have to want to fight and he just doesn´t. It hurts a great amount to know that the person you love doesn´t have the same feelings..... but I can´t be hitting my head against a wall hoping to get somewhere. I just can´t fight any longer by myself....
That is why I think I need to let him leave and start to heal myself. If it is meant to be he will come back but I can´t rely on him returning...


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I agree that he sounds a bit depressed. Depression can be caused by a number of things, both internal and external. 

Also sounds like you are carrying around quite a bit of resentment. And that it has had a significant impact on your relationship with your H. This may seem very simplistic and you may know this already, but left alone resentment will create barriers to intimacy. 

Reminds me of a recent post that you might take a look at and consider. 



Mavash. said:


> The story of bricks.
> 
> All relationships have conflict. Every time someone does something that bothers you it's a brick between you. Could be something small like showing up late for a date or hateful words said in an argument.
> 
> ...


As far as books to read, I have read _The 5 Love Languages_ and _His Needs Her Needs_. I highly recommend both. Others on TAM have have read and recommended _Divorce Busters_.

And, if you have kids, I suggest that you read _The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce_ before you embark on your divorce. It is pretty sobering.

Lastly, get in counseling! If not with both of you then just yourself.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

It seems to me you are holding all the cards here. As difficult as it seems, you need to start moving on and let him decide what the hell he wants.

You have probably read about Michel W-D, Divorce Busting and the 180. The reason that I mention this is that one aspect that is not discussed very often here is that her strategy allows you to work on your marriage even by yourself. You mentioned this in your text so I thought it might give you some direction to consider.

Be strong,
Stretch


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