# Can I write here about cheating on my partner?



## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

I cheated on him...... Am I allowed to write here?

-Sorry


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Yes but get ready for some brickbats. 

Are you looking for advice on reconciliation?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> I cheated on him...... Am I allowed to write here?
> 
> -Sorry


Of course, fire away in what you would like to know.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

theterrible92 said:


> I cheated on him...... Am I allowed to write here?
> 
> -Sorry


Welcome to TAM. Yes, you are allowed to write here.

And kudos to you for doing so.

Please let us know how we can help you to work through things.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The tone of the conversation may turn on the nature of your reasoning. If you are sorry, there are definitely those who can feel sympathetic.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Oh, gosh, of course you can! In fact, I have a whole article I wrote a few months ago on the subject of coping with one's own infidelity. If you'd like, I'll share it with you. I wish you only the best of luck, and happiness, for you do deserve both.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Here it is:

*Ella's Guide to Surviving Your Own Infidelity*

I'm sorry you're going through this. You have my full support and empathy. You are NOT a bad person and you deserve good things. I know you have it in you to get through this and survive. May I offer you some advice and resources? I have to warn you, this is going to be a long one, mostly copy-pasted from things I've posted on other infidelity websites.

*TL;DR: You're not a bad person. Don't hate yourself. Take as much time to relax and heal yourself as you can. Do what your spouse asks you to, but set a deadline for a later date so you can prepare. Validate and comfort yourself. Grieve for the relationship(s) you've lost. Understand your feelings. Try to understand your spouse's feelings. Seriously, DO NOT HATE YOURSELF. Reward yourself for doing the right thing. Click the blue links below for more help. You can do this. I believe in you.*

First, a brief word about my own affair, so you can understand where I'm coming from. I cheated on my husband in 2014 with a man I met online who, at first, seemed charismatic, brilliant, and likable. I quickly developed a crush on him and one night, I told him I loved him. After that, long story made very short, he blackmailed me with my confession of love and tried to coerce me to move in with him, threatening my life and limb if I said no. It went from "I like you too." to "I'll kill you if you talk" in the span of about a month. At the end of that month, I went into the hospital and got counselling for abuse. I began having graphic nightmares about being raped by this guy. I was treated for PTSD. In the hospital, I realized that in confessing my love for him and having feelings for him, I cheated on my husband. I confessed in the hospital, but couldn't really help my BH with his recovery since I remained in intensive trauma therapy myself for 6 months or so. My own PTSD has subsided, My BH and I have reconciled, and while I'd be honored to help him with his own triggers regarding the affair, he doesn't seem to have any.

*Okay, backstory over, time for me to help you:*

In my search through half a dozen books, hundreds of articles, and thousands of forum posts on multiple websites dedicated to recovering from infidelity, I noticed that something was missing. There was a wealth of good advice on how to comfort your Betrayed Spouse, but very little on how to comfort yourself. So many Wayward Spouses, whilst trying to navigate the mess they made, find themselves biting their tongues in a herculean effort not to wail, “But what about ME?!! This hurts ME too, you know!!”

And if you, as a Wayward Spouse, have ever actually said that aloud, you’ve probably been made aware of how selfish it sounds. Almost everyone who finds out about the affair, from your Betrayed Spouse to their friends and family to your co-workers to strangers on the internet, are going to be judgmental and quite possibly a little hateful towards you. They couldn’t care less if they tried about your feelings, and might even want you to suffer. This is to be expected. After all, you broke your Betrayed Spouse’s heart and very likely traumatized them for life. At the same time, though, your needs are still valid. Your pain is still valid. You may not have a right to say so out loud to your partner, but you have a right to feel how you feel. You can’t control other people’s criticism or insults. But you can still control you, and if you treat yourself well you can make this a little less agonizing on yourself.

*1)Take time for yourself if at all possible.* Schedule time in. Mark it on your calendar. Most people probably don’t have this much time, but an hour on weekdays, 2-3 days a week, and several hours on Saturday or Sunday is ideal if you can spare it.

You should use 2/3 of your free time to focus on helping your spouse and rebuilding your bond, and the remaining 1/3 is yours to process and heal. For example, if you have 2 hours free on a certain weeknight, 40 minutes should be dedicated to processing and healing.

This will be easier if your spouse has done the 180 and you're currently living alone. If you haven't been kicked out of the marital home, you will need to inform your Betrayed Spouse that you would like to spend X amount of time a week alone, thinking about what you've done. The fact that you’re asking for time to process will prove to them that you're trying, but you SHOULDN'T spend that time whipping yourself. Use the time to deal with the consequences of your actions, yes, but also to process and honor your emotions, and to relax and have some much-needed downtime. If you find yourself depressed, alone, not wanting to go out, and just generally beside yourself with emotion and you don't know what to do, You Feel Like Sh*t is my favorite self-care guide in that it's interactive. (I'm sorry, but due to the curseword, I can't post the URL because TAM will censor it. You'll have to google it.) It asks you a series of questions and then gives you advice, one step at a time, based upon your responses. I often use it when i'm feeling so upset I don't think I even have the power to move, or when I'm feeling vaguely "bad" but have no idea why. Nine times out of ten, it gets me back on my feet. It would be a great tool to use (in conjunction with the abandonment workbook below and a long bubble bath!) when you're feeling particularly stressed over your Betrayed's pain or especially mournful over your former Affair Partner. Obviously, if even that doesn't help, you feel suicidal, and/or you're bogged down with sadness in a way that seems overbearing or unusual for you, see a doctor or a therapist, of which I am neither.

You probably have restrictions now about where you can be and when and with whom. But you can work within them and carve out space for yourself even so. For example, your Betrayed Spouse might not want you to leave the house by yourself for anything other than work or errands. That’s okay. You can take up a spare bedroom with just yourself, a relaxing hobby, and/or a marriage book specifically for Wayward Spouses. Shut yourself in the bathroom and have a bubble bath with some relaxing music playing. Watch a light-hearted movie (No romances for now). If you ARE going out, offer to check in every hour, and send a text or a photo of yourself. In between check-ins, take the time to relax, pamper yourself (because you DESERVE IT!!), and process your feelings. I'll tell you more about HOW, exactly, to process your feelings below.

*2) Name your feelings.* An unfortunate part of being a Wayward Spouse is that you seem to forfeit the rights to your own feelings. You can’t go to your ex for comfort, your friends and family will probably be too furious with you to help you identify and process your emotions. Commonly, the advice is given that whatever you do, you can’t expect your spouse to be considerate of your feelings. Since you and your feelings for your affair partner have caused so much pain and suffering to your Betrayed Spouse, chances are pretty good that they couldn’t care less what your feelings are about your infidelity. That is valid. They have every right to be hurt.

_BUT_, your emotions are valid too, and you have a right- indeed, an obligation to yourself- to feel them in their entirety. During your aforementioned alone time, it can really help state your feelings out loud into a voice recorder, or write them down in a journal- especially if they are the sort of feelings that aren’t socially acceptable to share with others. Go into detail about your feelings. Examples might be, “I feel angry with my Betrayed Spouse because s/he isn't sympathetic towards me over the loss of my affair partner” Or, “I feel grieved because I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of my affair partner and I wish I could go see him/her”.

Your feelings may not be socially acceptable to talk about, and they may be wrong to act upon, but feelings, in and of themselves, are neither good nor bad. They are what they are, and you have the right to feel them.

If you are having trouble identifying or expressing your emotions, it would be VERY wise to get an individual counselor with experience in infidelity to vent to. They will help you process without judging you, yet still hold you accountable for your actions.

*3) Validate yourself. *During this time where it may feel like no one is there for you, be your own best friend. Be kind to yourself. Don’t lie to yourself or minimize what you’ve done, but don’t be overly harsh either. Heaven knows you get enough vitriol from everybody else. So acknowledge your successes, even if you’re the only one who will.

Validation does not mean that the affair was okay or that you should act on your feelings, only that you recognize the feelings are there. Address yourself comfortingly and soothingly without justifying the affair. For example, if you’ve gone two weeks without talking to your affair partner, you could say, “I’ve been through two weeks of missing my ex, and I survived! Someday soon, I won’t miss them anymore.” Or if your Betrayed Spouse lashes out at you, you might think to yourself, “This is really painful and difficult for me, but I’m doing the best I can, and can get through it.” If you miss your affair partner and want to call them, you might say to yourself, "It's natural to miss someone I've had a romantic/sexual relationship with, but I can't call them because I made a promise to my spouse not to hurt them anymore by contacting my ex."

*4) Grieve.* Most of the advice on infidelity websites states that you should never allow your feelings of sorrow to get in the way of helping your Betrayed Spouse to heal. That you should never allow your grief to be an excuse to resume the affair or to avoid personal accountability for the affair. This advice is absolutely correct, but despite what anyone else says, you do have a right to be upset.

The truth of the matter is, you’re grieving the loss of a relationship. It was a wrong relationship, an illegitimate relationship, a relationship you should never have had. But it was still something you lost. You broke up with your affair partner; it’s a breakup. Your Betrayed Spouse could very well divorce you in the aftermath of your infidelity, so you may be grieving the loss of your marriage as well. And if you bottle up all that grief and pretend you don't feel it, it's going to come out in more destructive ways later.

So it's very important that you take some time for yourself (Preferably, the aforementioned alone time) to process your own pain. Go ahead, indulge. Eat half a pint of ice cream, play that one sad love song over and over, write your affair partner a letter and burn it. Break out the tissues and cry until you're totally spent, then wash your face and have some tea. Do all the things people do to move past a breakup, so long as nothing you’re doing is harmful (such as drinking, drugs, or texting your ex). This is a breakup, and you’re strong enough to get through it.

Following is a link I've found telling you a little more and how and why getting rid of all your grief and pain is important. These two articles are parts one and two of a publication that tells a wayward spouse who is considering ending or who has just ended an affair how to go no-contact, stay no-contact, and deal with their own private grief over losing their affair partner. It explains that while going no-contact, getting rid of affair memorabilia, and banishing them from your heart is necessary, it also says that honest, true, and final grieving for the fantasy life you thought was real is equally necessary. It offers no judgment of a wayward's character, only of their actions.

Another book I love is The Abandonment Recovery Workbook and it is one I have bought and used myself. I didn't use it to get over my Other Man specifically, but rather to grieve the loss of a friendship. Still, as it was written with both Wayward Spouses AND Betrayed Spouses in mind, and does not differentiate between either's pain, and treats them with equal compassion, I consider it absolutely ideal in helping the grieved and hurting Wayward deal non-judgmentally with the sometimes all-consuming pain that composes the consequences of your actions and the loss of your fantasy relationship.

*5) Practice empathy.* Sometimes, self-care means doing difficult things, things that you dread doing in the short run, because you know it will make your life better in the long run. Once you have labeled your feelings and felt them, do your best to imagine what it would be like if the person you loved romantically cheated on you. Try to develop empathy for your Betrayed Spouse. Imagine if they felt for their affair partner what you feel for yours. Think about how this would make you feel. This is not to shame you, but to develop empathy and remorse. Yes, you’re hurting because of what you’ve done, and you _absolutely have the right to feel and process all of your hurt_, but your Betrayed Spouse is hurting as well. They _need_ you. So put yourself in their shoes, and go read all of those other books, the ones that tell you how to help your Betrayed Spouse, and take the advice on board. Even if it feels miserable to face up to what you’ve done or to have to comfort someone else when you’re in pain, it will make your marriage better in the long run.

If it takes you too long to come to the recognition that you have severely hurt your spouse and that you need to help them, you'll probably lose your spouse. Therefore, I recommend you at least start trying to read the below material whether you feel ready or not. The eagerness to help heal will come with time. If you lead with the head, the heart will follow eventually.

Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass is an oft-recommended gold standard for both Wayward and Betrayed Spouses, as it helps to elucidate BOTH parties' thoughts, feelings, and motivations during every stage of an affair and afterwards. There are some hard-hitting truths in here about the real nature, consequences, and longevity of affair relationships, but if you're a Wayward Spouse, they are things you need to hear. You can't properly grieve for the alleged "perfect relationship" you've lost if you don't understand why you never really had it in the first place. It also gives you some pointers on what your spouse is currently feeling and why, and what you can do to help them feel better. Myself, I bought the e-book and the audiobook and my BH (Betrayed Husband) and I listen together to a few chapters every once in a while. He says he finds it enlightening rather than triggering.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is another big one people recommend here a lot. I've read it, and while I personally find it a little dry and unemotional, it's a decent how-to guide. It talks about everything you'd need to do and avoid doing if you want your spouse and yourself to heal and thrive. I've also read an article called Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse and it is much more succinct and to-the-point about what your spouse is feeling, why they are feeling that way, and how to help them through the pain your actions have caused them. 

Word of obvious warning, this isn't easy stuff to digest. A lot of it will trigger feelings of guilt and shame. For the most part, the only way to cope with that is to push the feelings down for a little while in moments when your spouse needs you to listen to them, comfort them, reassure them. Forget what you feel for a few short moments and focus on doing and saying whatever they need you to. Focus on being their healer. You can take time to yourself later to decompress and unpack your horrible, guilty, doleful feelings when you are alone.

*6) Find out why you cheated.* In the same vein as processing your feelings and emotions _about_ the affair, you also need to process your feelings and emotions _before_ the affair. This is a several-step process, and you might have to stop and regroup (or grieve, or rest) several times. That's more than okay. This stuff hurts really badly a lot of the time, and you are EXTREMELY brave to attempt to do it. But don't shy away from the pain because you need to feel it in order to heal.

Step 1: Try and remember what you were thinking and feeling most of the time just before you fell for your affair partner(s). Did you often feel lonely? Angry? Empty? Numb? Dissatisfied? Write down these feelings in a journal. It's okay if you didn't feel any of those things, but write that down too.

Step 2: Now try and remember how you felt when you met your affair partner(s). Remember all the feelings they inspired in you and all the thoughts you had about them. Examples of such thoughts might include, "He looks so strong", "She's really sexy", "He's nurturing", "She's funny."

Step 3: Next, remember and write down all the things you loved about your affair partner, and everything they did for you while you were in the relationship or having the one night stand(s). Examples might be that they gave you really great sex, or that they were your crying shoulder, or that they were spontaneous and made you laugh.

If you have all three of those categories written down, you now have a vague idea of why you cheated, because you know what was missing in your life, and what you may have been subconsciously looking for in your relationship(s) that made the affair(s) look attractive to you. And you might begin to formulate a way to meet those needs yourself. For example, if you often felt lonely, and you loved your affair partner because he was nurturing and kind, you now know that you need comfort and emotional support, and from there you can find a way to get that emotional support without cheating on your spouse again. If you often felt bored pre-affair, and the first thing you noticed about your paramour was how young and handsome he was, and you loved his sense of humor and his skill in bed, you now know that you need sexual excitement, and if you reconcile you might someday be able to get that from your spouse without needing to have another affair.

All of this is very hard work, and may take months to properly analyze and figure out. And, of course, there might be other complicating factors such as mental illness, drug addiction, childhood abuse, and more. If it is at ALL possible, I STRONGLY recommend you see a therapist for help in sorting out your reasons for cheating.

*7) Take time to prepare for big tasks.* If your spouse asks you to do something that makes you feel overwhelmed, hopeless and terrified (e.g. write a timeline, take a polygraph, or have a long conversation about the A) plan out when specifically- date and time- that you will be able to fulfill said request. Tell your spouse, "I will (insert request here), but I need some time to prepare. Can I (insert request here) for you on (date) at (time)?” Then take a break.

Process your feelings and relax until the specified time. Having a deadline or a specific time set means you can't avoid your partner's request. No excuses. It has to be done on time, but since you've taken time beforehand, you will hopefully be as relaxed and prepared as you can be when the time comes.

*8) Separate shame from remorse.* So much of the counsel in infidelity circles chastens the Wayward Spouse to become remorseful, and fast. The same advisors will tell the betrayed to look for remorse in their partner- and leave if they don’t see enough of it. But remorse isn’t shame. _Shame_ involves self-loathing and it considers the fatal flaw to be you as a person, not the infidelity. Shame says, “I’m a terrible person. I’ll always be a terrible person. I’m worthless. Why even try?”

_Remorse_, on the other hand, knows that the flaw was in what you did, but not in who you are. Remorse says, “I made a terrible choice. I devastated my spouse, and that will take a long time to recover from. But I can and will recover from it because I am capable of being a better person than my actions have shown. From now on, I’m going to be the good person I know I can be.” Remorse is determined, rather than defeated. When you catch yourself calling yourself names or condemning yourself, try to re-frame the thought as hating your past _behavior_ rather than hating who you are as a _person_.

*9) Reward Yourself.* You probably don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel right now, and the horrific reality of where your marriage now stands coupled with the pain of loss might make it that much harder for you to find motivation to do what’s right. You can light a candle or two in that tunnel yourself, though. Every week you don’t text your affair partner, every time you take a major step towards healing your Betrayed Spouse and yourself, every hurdle you overcome is cause to celebrate your progress. Reward yourself for sticking with it. Perhaps give yourself X amount of money every week you don’t contact your ex affair partner, and save up to buy something extravagant. Examples might be a spa treatment, a new device of your choosing, or a new playlist from iTunes.

Another thing you might do is to reward yourself with something special after you’ve overcome a hurdle such as taking a polygraph, or reached a milestone such as 6 months without your affair partner. Especially when no one else is willing to acknowledge your accomplishments, do so yourself and treat yourself after doing something especially emotionally taxing.

Again, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. The worst part about being a Wayward Spouse is that no one seems to care about your suffering. The Betrayed Spouse comes first, which leaves precious little room for your own hurt and healing. While it’s true that you must now put your spouse’s needs above your own, the good news is that you don’t have to neglect yourself in the process. If you have cheated on your spouse and are now trying to navigate the chaotic despair, I wish you good luck, better guidance, and healing. As an end note, please remember that this too shall pass, even if it looks from all angles that your life will be like this forever. It won't. As you and your Betrayed Spouse heal together, you can take comfort in knowing that you were part of their healing.

I care about you, I empathize with you, and you deserve happiness and healing.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

I have never deserved my boyfriend. He settled while I held on to the only person who had ever shown interest in me. Some backstory…. In 2010 I joined an online dating site, but didn’t have the intention of starting a relationship from it. I think I was looking to see if anyone would even be interested in me. I had never had men interested in me, even though I knew I wasn’t ugly. I have 50 foot walls around me that make me invisible. Most people think I’m just a giant *****, and I guess I am. My boyfriend messaged me, and he was the only one I ever messaged back. There was something about him that made me want to know him. We started frequent communication in early-2010, but didn’t meet in person until mid-2011. I had too much anxiety about it. He waited, and waited until I was ready to take that next step. He has always been very patient with me, more than I deserve. 

When we started having sex we were not using any protection. I had never been on birth control, had no need to be… He knew I was not on anything . It was a mutual error but more my fault because I wasn’t even thinking about it and it’s my body. I was 19, I had no excuse. I was so anxious about having sex, especially with him being experienced, that it’s like there was no room for any other thoughts. No surprise to anyone, I got pregnant right away. I found out very quickly but hid it from my boyfriend until I was 15-16 weeks pregnant. I knew he’d want me to have an abortion and I didn’t know what to say to him. It was my fault. Our relationship has never been the same, from the moment I said I couldn’t go through with an abortion. He has stayed with me mostly out of a sense of obligation, now it feels like habit or the easy route. We go through phases of good and bad times. From late-2011 to 2015 he hated me. I could feel it all the time. His actions and words made it very evident that he had no desire to be with me. He had no desire to ever help me or spend time with me, ignored me, said he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, he had no interest in our son and that really hurt me. He has never cheated on me, he’s better than I am. He crossed boundaries but still has more self-control than I do. Nothing that I did made him feel better towards me. He made it clear that we were only together because he felt stuck. 

We have never married, because he hasn’t wanted to. I’ve never been marriage material to him. In 2016-17 our relationship started turning around for the better. He said he wanted to marry me but if he really wanted to it would have happened. For those two years he was the happiest he’s ever been with me, which still isn’t happy enough. Nothing that I can do makes me enough for him. We didn’t fight nearly as much, and he was happier with me, but I still wasn’t his first choice for anything. Given the option, he’d choose friends or activities over me and our son. Our sex life has always been unsatisfying, either he doesn’t get it enough or I’m left feeling empty afterwards. He has always been a popular guy and has a lot of friends. I get along with his friends but I am reserved around them. I don’t think they like me, I’m too reserved and even when I want to step out of my bubble I can’t. Unless I drink. 

I have had a “crush” on one of my boyfriends friends since I first met him, in 2011. I was more attracted to him than my boyfriend, physically and personality. We were not close at all but I felt closer to him than my boyfriend. I wasn’t invisible to him. He touched me when my boyfriend wouldn’t (innocent touching). He knew the way my boyfriend was acting and often talked to me about it. He felt bad for me. He treated his girlfriends extremely well. When he was in a relationship I felt jealous. He engaged with my son more than my boyfriend at times, and seeing him nurture my son increased the attraction. An example, one night when he was over he just held my son so I could shower, something my boyfriend never did, it skyrocketed the attraction. I thought about him often. I knew it was wrong. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about it or do anything to try and stop it. From 2011-now we would see each other once every month or two, during friend gatherings never alone. The feelings of mine never wavered but I never did anything about it. He’d tell me that I was beautiful, I started dressing differently when I knew I’d see him. We flirted. My boyfriend never noticed. He always seemed to know the right things to say and do, my boyfriend has never cared enough to. I let him trash-talk my boyfriend at times, which is so wrong. It was an extremely slow buildup, year after year, to last Tuesday. Two friends were getting married and having a destination wedding. Most of their friends went as well. My boyfriend and I went as a chance to get away and have our first trip without our son. When my boyfriend is around his friends I feel like I get pushed to the back burner, more so than normal. I spent more time alone than with anyone else. Tuesday night when I was by myself the friend invited me to go to his room to watch a movie. I knew that I shouldn’t, but did. I knew what could happen, but didn’t think it would. I didn’t think he would actually be interested in me. Saying I wasn’t thinking about doing it would be a lie. He offered me a drink and I took it, then took a few more. We got closer and closer until we were cuddling, he kissed me and the rest I let happen. Every step I decided to keep going. I did things that I shouldn’t have, that I don’t do with my boyfriend. He didn’t use a condom because I told him not to. I’m that stupid. I’m not on birth control, my boyfriend and I use condoms and have sex once a month at most. The timing was perfect if I was trying to get pregnant, and for all I know I could be. Then I’d ruin even more lives. I felt like I got more out of the sex, in the moment, than I do with my boyfriend, and I hate saying that and didn’t think I would. I never want anyone to ever hear me say that. He took the time to make me feel like I was part of it. I had a first with him. My boyfriend fired so many questions at me that I couldn’t answer them as fast as he was screaming them and I said things I shouldn’t have. I didn’t have a WTF did I just do moment until the friend asked me to leave before the person he was sharing a room with came back. Wednesday and Thursday he completely changed and it was like I was invisible to him. It just made me feel more like crap. He knows I’m a terrible person. We got home on Saturday and that is when I told my boyfriend what I did. I couldn’t hide it from him. It’s the only time he has ever put his hands on anyone, I did that to him. He shoved me out of the house without anything and I slept outside in our backyard. He has called me every name in the book and I deserve it all. He told friends and some of his family what I did. I am only allowed back inside the house because his mom said that he had to, and I will probably be going to her house for a while. I don’t have any family or friends nearby. So I have to suck it up and deal with the humiliation of facing his parents 24/7. They know I slept with a good friend of his, it’s humiliating. 

On top of how horrible I feel, I feel used and stupid. I can’t talk to anyone about my feelings. I did it to myself and I deserve everything that I’m feeling. My boyfriend says that he wants nothing to do with me and he’s going to have our son taken away from me because I’m a *****. They all deserve better. I don’t want to lose my family though. I need them. We haven’t had a perfect relationship but there has to be room for improvement. I don’t know what to do…. He won’t even look at me. He texts me and screams at me but won’t talk to me. I don’t blame him. He can so easily walk away and be done with me. He probably should…. I don’t want that. I shouldn’t have let it get to this point, but I still want to fix it. 

I ruined everything, for absolutely nothing. I hate saying what I did, even to a bunch of strangers on the internet…. I hate myself. I’m disgusted with myself. I ruined my life, my boyfriends life, our sons life and ruined a close-knit group of friends. For what….. nothing…..


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Have you ever been a victim of sexual abuse? Maybe as a child?

You're toxic shame is huge. It was present long before you cheated...long before you even got together with your boyfriend...and it sounds tragically deep.

Get into therapy. You will never be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone, including yourself, until you address this problem.
@Uptown


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I'm not saying it's okay to cheat, but I do commend you for coming here to seek help. No one is perfect.

With that being said, how do you honestly feel? besides the part of worrying about what people think of you, beyond what you're boyfriend feels, etc., how do you really feel? Is there any relief that you feel? It's almost as though you were unhappy for so long, that this was your way of getting out the best way you knew how.

If your boyfriend cooled down and decided he wanted to work on things, would you want to?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I've never wanted to give someone a virtual hug so badly. I really and truly believe there is some deep pain that you need to honour. I agree with @fairsidejunky that you may have something buried deep down. You should definitely seek therapy if you can.

Your boyfriend has not treated you well from the beginning. That doesn't justify your actions but it does not make him the victim that he claims to be. He hated you for 2 straight years? Or you felt like he hated you? He made you sleep OUTSIDE?? The mother of his child? **** that ****! You deserve to be treated like a human, not trash! His behaviour is unacceptable and quite childish.

I think you need to find somewhere else to stay while everything settles down. Can you find a women's shelter in the area? You're in a very vulnerable situation and I really recommend you find somewhere safe to go to! 

I'm so sorry. Sending you love!

{Moderator warning - I fixed your cute spelling of profanity words. Please just spell out profanity and let the forum filers handle them. - EleGirl}


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Child, what happened to you when you were younger? 
I can see you with bended head and eyes full of self loathing. You are so full of shame, that I have to ask if you were abused or just grew up in a terrible situation?

While, cheating was wrong and awful. People do live thru it and learn from it. You have learned a bitter lesson here. Strive not to do it again.

With that being said, I have to address the emotional abuse your boyfriend is dolling out to you. He has contributed to your feeling that you are not good enough and a bad person. The load of bull**** he told you that you are not marriage material is a load of ****. He tells you that to keep you down and to destroy yourself esteem. Most likely he does not deserve you.

I must say that the man you slept with groomed you well. Yes, he targeted you because he saw that you had no self esteem and saw how ****ty your bf was treating you. You were ripe for the picking. You fell into his trap and stupidly slept with him. NOw you see the real him.

Your boyfriend can't take your son away. Let get that straight. Nobody gets their child taken away because they cheated or here on TAM all these people would have full custody of their kids. That's him just trying to scare you. If you are an abusive mum yes. Otherwise no.

Now questions:

Do YOu work outside the home?
Do you have money of your own?

IF you don't then, it's time to get work and start saving your money. You can't stay with this guy. He would hold it over your head and continue to control you. 

I wish you well. Take care of yourself. See someone who can help you heal your pains. You need to work on yourself to remove the shame you are carrying around.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So the guy you slept with is no friend of anyone but the lowest of the low. You were immediately invisible because he got what he wanted from you. Sadly i don't think you are going to end up with a choice when it comes to your family. There is a very real chance your relationship with your boyfriend is done. I mean you slept with his friend, if he is smart he will just move on. You should too. Your relationship will never be the same and it doesn't even sound like it was good. He will never be the same. You should talk to a lawyer to make sure you have your rights to your child. The kid still needs his mother. 

You blew up your life for some new sex. That's pretty much it. Sounds like you didn't have the stuff to have a long term committed relationship. Healthy people have good enough boundaries that sleeping with peoples friends are just too horrible to do. You need to figure out why you were able to do this. Sounds like self esteem was part of the issue. Get some counseling. It honestly sounds like your relationship with your boyfriend was never good from the start. You have to get help before you go forward though. 

Some mistakes change your whole life. Unfortunately you made one of them. Worse is you changed your families without any choice of their own. Your life is not over though. You sound young, there is a whole lot of life left.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Child, what happened to you when you were younger?
> I can see you with bended head and eyes full of self loathing. You are so full of shame, that I have to ask if you were abused or just grew up in a terrible situation?
> 
> While, cheating was wrong and awful. People do live thru it and learn from it. You have learned a bitter lesson here. Strive not to do it again.
> ...


Of course she is full of shame she slept with her boyfriends, friend at a wedding. That's shameful, her being ashamed is a good thing.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

@sokillme, I think you're missing the point of what some of us are trying to get at... you're right in saying that people with well established self-esteem and secure attachments set HEALTHY boundaries for the most part. We are simply pointing to a deeper issue that this woman needs to deal with that might help her heal... 

Maybe you've never yourself been or met someone who has been abused (sexually, emotionally, physically) but if you have you can see the signs. That's why we have such a seemingly different perception of the same situation. 

The shame seems to be much deeper than this one isolated incident.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

purplesunsets said:


> @sokillme, I think you're missing the point of what some of us are trying to get at... you're right in saying that people with well established self-esteem and secure attachments set HEALTHY boundaries for the most part. We are simply pointing to a deeper issue that this woman needs to deal with that might help her heal...
> 
> Maybe you've never yourself been or met someone who has been abused (sexually, emotionally, physically) but if you have you can see the signs. That's why we have such a seemingly different perception of the same situation.
> 
> The shame seems to be much deeper than this one isolated incident.


Thank you for clarifying that for me. You did it so much better.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> I have never deserved my boyfriend. He settled while I held on to the only person who had ever shown interest in me. Some backstory…. In 2010 I joined an online dating site, but didn’t have the intention of starting a relationship from it. I think I was looking to see if anyone would even be interested in me. I had never had men interested in me, even though I knew I wasn’t ugly. I have 50 foot walls around me that make me invisible. Most people think I’m just a giant *****, and I guess I am. My boyfriend messaged me, and he was the only one I ever messaged back. There was something about him that made me want to know him. We started frequent communication in early-2010, but didn’t meet in person until mid-2011. I had too much anxiety about it. He waited, and waited until I was ready to take that next step. He has always been very patient with me, more than I deserve.
> 
> When we started having sex we were not using any protection. I had never been on birth control, had no need to be… He knew I was not on anything . It was a mutual error but more my fault because I wasn’t even thinking about it and it’s my body. I was 19, I had no excuse. I was so anxious about having sex, especially with him being experienced, that it’s like there was no room for any other thoughts. No surprise to anyone, I got pregnant right away. I found out very quickly but hid it from my boyfriend until I was 15-16 weeks pregnant. I knew he’d want me to have an abortion and I didn’t know what to say to him. It was my fault. Our relationship has never been the same, from the moment I said I couldn’t go through with an abortion. He has stayed with me mostly out of a sense of obligation, now it feels like habit or the easy route. We go through phases of good and bad times. From late-2011 to 2015 he hated me. I could feel it all the time. His actions and words made it very evident that he had no desire to be with me. He had no desire to ever help me or spend time with me, ignored me, said he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, he had no interest in our son and that really hurt me. He has never cheated on me, he’s better than I am. He crossed boundaries but still has more self-control than I do. Nothing that I did made him feel better towards me. He made it clear that we were only together because he felt stuck.
> 
> ...


you write like someone who has been terribly abused in some way. like, bad enough that it skews your ability to see things clearly. 

first, your boyfriend sounds like an absolute misery to live with. second, you told him pretty much right away, so kudos on you for recognizing that you were in the wrong for what you did and coming clean. 

third, you really need to go to counseling for yourself. NOT relationship counseling. 

and this is very important... DO NOT let him take your child from you. fight tooth and nail for him if you have to. your boyfriend said that as a way of hurting you. if he tries to actually do it, fight him with every legal option you have. a man who cannot be bothered to hold his child so its mother can take a shower is not going to make a good single parent...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sokillme said:


> Of course she is full of shame she slept with her boyfriends, friend at a wedding. That's shameful, her being ashamed is a good thing.


that is not what he was referring to. the toxic shame... i see it too. its so glaring to me that the shame from her infidelity seems like a small issue in comparison...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

As'laDain said:


> you write like someone who has been terribly abused in some way. like, bad enough that it skews your ability to see things clearly.
> 
> first, your boyfriend sounds like an absolute misery to live with. second, you told him pretty much right away, so kudos on you for recognizing that you were in the wrong for what you did and coming clean.
> 
> ...


*

*

yes, 1000%. she was the one who refused to abort her baby. she was the one that saved her babies life. she deserves to be her babies full time mother, not him that wanted it dead.

i would just echo what others have said already. that this guy that lured her into bed was no friend. he selfishly groomed, flattered, connived his way to sex with her, and then cowardly 
left the scene when the going got hot. a total douche. Do not have anything to do with this guy in the future.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think you have have been hurt, before. You found the wrong boyfriend. The hurting just kept on.

The questions about your childhood are because other women who have acted as you have, my wife for instance, have been abused as children. 

Had I known about my wife’s past I could have forgiven her sooner, easier. I could have gotten her competent help sooner.

I do think her past influenced her choices. 

In your case I think your past influenced your choice to stay in a relationship which was and is abusive. Yes, your actions have blown it up, but the relationship you destroyed wasn’t worth keeping.

Your boyfriend seemed to me to be far worse than having no boyfriend at all. You are better off without him. 

It would have been better to have decided that and stepped away before you strayed. But some broken children don’t have that capability within them. They must break things worse, because it is the only thing they know.

That’s my opinion.

I wish you well. My wife and I send you our best wishes.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

some things that stand out, that im sure @farsidejunky noticed as well...

@theterrible92, your description of what your mind does when you have sex is pretty much exactly what my wife went through for the first few years of our sex life. she was raped by her biological father when she was a girl. it took me a few of years of working with her before she was able to let herself be present in the moment. basically, it was PTSD. when she was a girl, she was unable to do ANYTHING about it when it happened. she was powerless to stop it, so her mind wouldn't go there. it would freeze up instead. 

also, you mentioned the 50 foot walls that cause most people to see you as a *****. again, this is something i had to work through with my wife. 

another thing that i had to work through was her fear of telling me anything that might cause me to be upset with her, even if it was a very important issue. like, for instance, your fear of telling your boyfriend that you were pregnant. 

several other people have noticed patterns in your post that point to a huge level of toxic shame. the most likely cause of such toxic shame is a pretty profound level of sustained abuse. if you have suffered such abuse, please understand that you are dealing with something that most people can not even understand. the difficulties you face are not at all your fault, and you are nowhere near as terrible as you think you are. 

i would guess that you have suffered something pretty terrible between the ages of about 8 years old to about 15...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I am sure I need to find another way to describe you, people like you, and my wife.

My wife likes the description broken child. Something about the Island of Misfit Toys show. The land where broken toys were welcomed. She would cry so much at that, but always wanted to watch it.

One day she said, through her tears, that’s where she wants to go because she’s a broken child.

But others don’t like the term broken child. I did not mean it as an insult. I need to think of some other ways to express the idea.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

WilliamM said:


> I am sure I need to find another way to describe you, people like you, and my wife.
> 
> My wife likes the description broken child. Something about the Island of Misfit Toys show. The land where broken toys were welcomed. She would cry so much at that, but always wanted to watch it.
> 
> ...


my wife and my mother both love that movie, for pretty much the same reason. 

my wife also likes the song "broken together" by casting crowns, and has a love affair with all things stitch. she has a stitch tatoo, and plans on getting another. "This is my family. I found it, all on my own. It's little, and broken, but still good. Yeah, still good."


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> Thank you for clarifying that for me. You did it so much better.


No doubt she needs IC. In this case though where she is still her responsibility. It's a shame she didn't get help before she blew up her life. I also am a little weary of the whole my BS was abusive line. That is a common line when people cheat. We don't have his side of the story.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

First step- Get away from your boyfriend, his family, and his friends.
It sounds like his friends are just like him. People tend to hang around 
other people just like them. 
Second step- Get some birth control,condoms etc.
Third step- Get some counseling because it sounds like something has happened
to you in the past. It sounds like you have very low self esteem and if that is 
so, some people will take advantage of it. 

Your boyfriend sounds like a big ____hole, and does not deserve anyone. 
It sounds like his friends are the same. Do not let him or his family take your
baby away from you. You do not sound like a bad person, regardless of how 
you may feel. In the future do not ever let anyone disrespect you or treat you
the way your boyfriend has.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sokillme said:


> No doubt she needs IC. In this case though where she is still her responsibility. It's a shame she didn't get help before she blew up her life. I also am a little weary of the whole my BS was abusive line. That is a common line when people cheat. We don't have his side of the story.


she didn't give that line...


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

My past isn't an excuse for what I did.... My boyfriend isn't abusive. Ive done far worse than he has.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I'd say your relationship with your boyfriend will never survive. That being said, you know that what you did was wrong and you confessed quickly. That takes some serious guts and fortitude. The friend groomed you to get what he wanted, then ditched you. It's not uncommon. It's surprising that women still fall for those types of men. I hope you aren't pregnant. Two babies with two different men doesn't bode well for finding a great long-term partner. Your ex BF has no standing for taking custody of your child away from you. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> My past isn't an excuse for what I did.... My boyfriend isn't abusive. Ive done far worse than he has.


We all get this.

But what you do not seem to get is that the way he has treated you all these years is a very serious form of emotional abuse. Oftentimes, emotional abuse can cause more harm and physical abuse. It can rip away a person's self esteem until they are the way you are... you have no self esteem.

Add to this the horrible way your boyfriend treats his own son. Your son does not deserve this mistreatment.

I, personally, believe that what your boyfriend has done for YEARS is far worse than your one night stand in response to another human treating you with some attention. Years vs one night, there is no comparison in the amount of damage done.

His friend saw how vulnerable you are and took advantage of it. He's a predator.

Your boyfriend cannot take your son away from you.

Please see an individual counselor for yourself. You need help to build your self esteem.

You say that your family does not live near by. Could you take your son and go stay with your family? Would they help you?

Do you have a job/career at this time?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

theterrible92 said:


> My past isn't an excuse for what I did.... My boyfriend isn't abusive. Ive done far worse than he has.


This is true, but you still should get some help because you don't want to do something like this again. Unfortunately with betrayal like this it takes a long time. In this case you are going to have to kind of wait it out if he is willing to forgive, that is if you still want to be with him. He may know right away that it is a deal breaker but it may take years. It's really up to him. This is really no small thing and because it was a friend it makes it even worse. Even the best relationships would have a hard time recovering from this kind of stuff. 

On top of that he doesn't seem like the best choice. So maybe getting some IC will help you address that. 

Besides all that like others are saying you have a right to your kids you need to be hard and strong on that point. It's not in your kids best interest to not have their Mom, even if you did something bad to their Dad. That is a different issue then the cheating. Don't let the one affect the other. You can feel bad about what you did but you must still fight for the best interest of your kids. You in their lives it their best interest. 

Finally get IC so you can be the best Mom to your kids you can be. Again you are young and your life is not over. With hard work YOU can recover from this.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> My past isn't an excuse for what I did.... My boyfriend isn't abusive. Ive done far worse than he has.


nobody said it was an excuse. 

what everyone is picking up on indicates a much larger issue than the infidelity itself.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

"I did things that I shouldn’t have, that I don’t do with my boyfriend."

This gets me every time. Is this like on page 1 of the Cheater's Handbook or something?

"When you cheat, make sure to do all of the fun things that you refuse to do with your spouse/SO"

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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I am so sorry for your situation. 

First.... No excuse to cheat. NEVER. You feel the shame. Good, you are a good person who did (not a mistake) but a wrong choice and you are going to pay for it. 

BUT, let's us look at the facts here. Your boyfriend and father of your child has treated you extreeemly badly. It only reinforced the little value you had for yourself. He never made you feel special, or wanted. Not really. I will NEVER say it was the right decision to cheat, but i think he just wants an excuse for you to leave. Finally get out of his life. 

He should have put a ring on your finger, and i don't mean an engagement ring. The real ****ing deal.

You settled. He settled... But hun, he kept you around and abused you. And YOU settled for it! 

Please know that you have likely killed a suffering relationship that would have NEVER worked out. Good things can come from bad things. Get your child, stop this sadness and get your chin up. Don't give him everything because you are sorry, get what is due to you and move on. 

Don't blame him perse for your choices but realize that you knew he did not really love you anyway and move on as gracefully as you can.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My dear, there is no excuse to cheat. In your situation, you should have left him long ago. That being said, your BF is hardly a boyfriend. Your relationship is nowhere near loving and healthy. He has reinforced your own lack of self esteem, and added to it. Time for you to find another relationship. Something loving and healthy. You need to be in therapy, as you seem to have a low opinion of yourself. You need to learn to love and respect yourself, then you will be ready for a real relationship.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It's interesting how people here pick and choose what to internalize. So, he has treated her poorly, and gets a bad wrap. However, she has said that she was crushing on his friend since 2011, which means that from the very beginning of their relationship she has wanted his friend more than her BF. In fact, she only settled on him because he was there and willing. How does this garner a pass? Yes, he lost his crap when he found out, but to me that shows that he probably cared for her more than she acknowledges. In fact, it may very well be only her perception that he didn't want to be with her through those years.

Yes, cheating is bad. No, this wasn't a one-off. You have been wanting his friend for years and made good on that desire at the first real opportunity. 

An honest question... By not using protection with the OM, were you in fact TRYING to get pregnant so you could force an upgrade from your BF to the OM?

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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your boyfriend’s friend sounds like a total piece of ****, and your boyfriend sounds like a total nightmare.

Get rid of both of them and get to work on yourself.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

TX-SC said:


> It's interesting how people here pick and choose what to internalize. So, he has treated her poorly, and gets a bad wrap. However, she has said that she was crushing on his friend since 2011, which means that from the very beginning of their relationship she has wanted his friend more than her BF. In fact, she only settled on him because he was there and willing. How does this garner a pass? Yes, he lost his crap when he found out, but to me that shows that he probably cared for her more than she acknowledges. In fact, it may very well be only her perception that he didn't want to be with her through those years.
> 
> Yes, cheating is bad. No, this wasn't a one-off. You have been wanting his friend for years and made good on that desire at the first real opportunity.
> 
> ...


she doesnt come across as someone who is blaming everything on her SO. 
she comes across as someone who thinks the worst of herself, and her description of the last seven years indicates as much. 

plus other things that seem eerily familiar to me...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Sadly, very familiar.

Please be aware @theterrible92 when your boyfriend said you are not marriage material, that was emotional abuse.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

No current event can rewrite history. We warn people often to not allow the rewriting of history. 

Seven years ago it was emotional abuse. The intervening years have been rife with examples of abuse. What happened now does not change that.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

TX-SC said:


> It's interesting how people here pick and choose what to internalize. So, he has treated her poorly, and gets a bad wrap. However, she has said that she was crushing on his friend since 2011, which means that from the very beginning of their relationship she has wanted his friend more than her BF. In fact, she only settled on him because he was there and willing. How does this garner a pass? Yes, he lost his crap when he found out, but to me that shows that he probably cared for her more than she acknowledges. In fact, it may very well be only her perception that he didn't want to be with her through those years.
> 
> Yes, cheating is bad. No, this wasn't a one-off. You have been wanting his friend for years and made good on that desire at the first real opportunity.
> 
> ...


Alas, aren't you doing the same thing by ignoring what so many of us are "internalizing" and focusing on the ethical aspect of cheating? Interesting.

I say it's empathy. We recognize something that is so incredibly hard to ignore (as women and men who have seen women in this situation). Forgive us for being human and seeing that it's probably a lot more ethical to show compassion to this woman who is hurting so badly than to lecture her about her actions. 

Anyways, it is so silly to argue about these things when we are only trying to help. What good will come of telling her "you're a **** person. Cheaters deserve what they get.." and whatever else you may want to say when she clearly already hears that regardless of whether she cheats or not?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Usually the title "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" denotes some form of commitment.

From your side all I see is shame and fear. Plus an unfortunate tendency to do things that you admittedly know is wrong.

From his side it appears to be about control and superiority.

I don't see even a hint of love.

I am not condoning sleeping with another while living with your "boyfriend". You need get out of both relationships.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

purplesunsets said:


> Alas, aren't you doing the same thing by ignoring what so many of us are "internalizing" and focusing on the ethical aspect of cheating? Interesting.
> 
> I say it's empathy. We recognize something that is so incredibly hard to ignore (as women and men who have seen women in this situation). Forgive us for being human and seeing that it's probably a lot more ethical to show compassion to this woman who is hurting so badly than to lecture her about her actions.
> 
> Anyways, it is so silly to argue about these things when we are only trying to help. What good will come of telling her "you're a **** person. Cheaters deserve what they get.." and whatever else you may want to say when she clearly already hears that regardless of whether she cheats or not?


I have in fact not ignored either side. Compassion you say? If this was the BF posting instead of her, I dare say she would get very little compassion from this group. Yes, she seems very contrite, but we only have one side of this story, not both. She has herself said she has been lusting after the OM for their ENTIRE relationship. Read that again, she got the hots for the OM the first year of their relationship, back in 2011. So, this flirting has been going on for 6 plus years. This isn't an "oops, it just sorta happened". She has been dressing up for him and basically having an emotional affair for years. But it's the BF who is abusive? As you say "interesting!"

I wish her no malice or ill will, but it's just kind of interesting that this board is taking the side of someone who emotionally cheated for many years and finally took it to a PA, including "doing things she wouldn't do for her BF" and yet she gets defended and the BF gets roasted?

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

TX-SC said:


> purplesunsets said:
> 
> 
> > Alas, aren't you doing the same thing by ignoring what so many of us are "internalizing" and focusing on the ethical aspect of cheating? Interesting.
> ...


Well that's what happens when there is abuse.. it's more complex than most could ever begin to fathom.

I do agree with you that there is another story and this is just the OPs perspective... but that's all we have ATM.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

Our relationship wasn’t perfect at all. Things were slowly getting better. I was a crappy girlfriend, there was room for improvement if I could figure out how to be better. I destroyed everything that we spent years trying to fix. I wish that I could take it back or wake up from this nightmare. I don’t know what I am supposed to tell my son when one day he asks why his dad and I are no longer together. He will hate me forever. I want my boyfriend to be willing to try, when the shock wears off, but I know that is a lot to ask. Too much to ask. I want there to be a chance…. There has to be something I can do. I’d do anything….. Right now he wants nothing to do with me because I’m disgusting to him. 

He is mad all the time. He either ignores my existence on the planet or is screaming at me. I know he has that right…but I don’t know how to handle it. Every time he walks by me he calls me a name or makes a comment about me being a dirty *****. It rips me into a million pieces each time. How long does it go on? 

Among many, many other things my boyfriend is mad that I waited so long to tell him and that he was left in the dark while others might have known. I should have told him right away. We were in another country, surrounded by friends and at a wedding. I didn't want to make a scene at the wedding or be dealing with the aftermath in front of so many people and far from home. He knew something was wrong the rest of the week, but I kept it from him. He's mad that I lied, by omission. 94 hours of lying by omission. I know he is going to be mad and he has the right to be mad. I wish I knew how long it would last so I can prepare myself. I want to take whatever he dishes out and maybe he will see that I’m sorry and want to fix it. Nothing that he can do will be as bad as what I did. How many months? Years? will I be hearing him tell me that I’m a ***** and to go suck “someone’s”….. It has only been days and I’m breaking down. 

I am not going to blame my cheating on whatever is in my past. Anything in my past is buried and gone. It is in the past and staying there. He doesn’t want to hear any excuses. 

There is no part of me that feels relieved about what I did. I thought about ending the relationship, but not this way….. Right now I’m at home but it’s so hard to be here. I’m struggling to take the yelling and bashing. If I leave the house I might as well give up. I have to fight for him, he fought for me. His parents have offered for me to stay with them for a while, they are nice but will prod. I don’t want to face his parents every day. I don’t have any friends or family nearby at all. My boyfriend has no intention of leaving the house, nor should he have to. I do have a career, we share an account and split financial responsibilities. 

Everyone is being seen as a bad guy other than me, the one person who deserves it. My boyfriend didn’t emotionally abuse me. I basically forced him into parenthood. He didn’t want it…. He said I wasn’t marriage material, and was right. Who wants to marry a cheater, let alone someone who will cheat with a friend. I let it go on for years. He was the good guy by staying with me after I got pregnant, he could have left. He wasn’t perfect but he stayed. I wasn’t perfect either. The friend didn’t target or attack me. I let it happen just as much as he did. I’m the one to blame. I can’t blame everyone else for what I did. 

I feel so disgusting every time what I did comes to mind. I want to shower over and over. I wish I could peel my skin off.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> Our relationship wasn’t perfect at all. Things were slowly getting better. I was a crappy girlfriend, there was room for improvement if I could figure out how to be better. I destroyed everything that we spent years trying to fix. I wish that I could take it back or wake up from this nightmare. I don’t know what I am supposed to tell my son when one day he asks why his dad and I are no longer together. He will hate me forever. I want my boyfriend to be willing to try, when the shock wears off, but I know that is a lot to ask. Too much to ask. I want there to be a chance…. There has to be something I can do. I’d do anything….. Right now he wants nothing to do with me because I’m disgusting to him.
> 
> He is mad all the time. He either ignores my existence on the planet or is screaming at me. I know he has that right…but I don’t know how to handle it. Every time he walks by me he calls me a name or makes a comment about me being a dirty *****. It rips me into a million pieces each time. How long does it go on?
> 
> ...


I know you did the wrong thing but kudos for you to owning up to it and not blaming anybody else for it. Would be nice if many women had the same courage as you do


Have you thought about writing a letter? Cooking him a nice dinner?

Don't forget he's extremely hurt and confused. It will take time before his even tempted to talk to you, it sucks for you but that's the consequence.

Once again, kudos for putting your pride on the line and acknowledging your mistakes and also not blaming others


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> ............
> 
> I feel so disgusting every time what I did comes to mind. I want to shower over and over. I wish I could peel my skin off.


Here's my suggestion. Tell him you're leaving and get ready to do so. Separate your finances, find a place to live etc........ However ....... at the same time explain to him that you are doing so because you know you hurt him, it's completely your fault and you think he deserves someone better. In short show a lot of contrition (you seem good at that anyway). If he gets mad just let him and continue making your preparations to go, and keep telling him you're sorry for what you did. Whatever you do, DON'T contact his friend. No matter what he seems like to you, he isn't a good guy. He's a backstabber and the next person he back stabs may be YOU!

Back to your boyfriend...... He may let you go ..... but on the other hand if he doesn't want to lose you, he may come around and start tying to make things better instead of just being angry all the time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

All the stuff you feel is pretty common. His reaction is common too. In this case he has a legitimate right to be angry. Speaking from experience, at first the anger is overwhelming. I have never been more angry in my life before or since. Only you know how long you should put up with it. You have to expect it though. Usually that intense anger last months. It may make sense to get away just so the two of you can have some peace. We always advise the one who is cheated on to detach so they can get their emotions in check. Also DON'T stay if you don't feel safe. 

Unfortunately it is a horrible thing, you can't couch it, he is in tremendous pain. He will get better though. Time at worst will dull the pain maybe at best even heal it. There is no way to say if you will stay together now, it's way too soon, and it's really all in his court as far as the affair goes. Maybe this is a sign that you shouldn't. It doesn't sound like you had the best relationship to begin with. That is a different issue then the cheating though. Events like cheating are moments that effect your whole life. They don't go away, you learn to live with them, because of that it may take years for him to decide. I don't want to lie to you, you both are going to be in pain for a while, usually years but it won't be as intense as it is now. Everyday will get a little easier. I promise you that it will get better, life will go on. I can assure you both of you will be happy again. Maybe together, maybe apart. 

Look as far as your son goes, my Dad cheated on my Mom. We have a great relationship and I still love him. I will say he has never apologized for what he did so I can't say that I look on him favorably in that respect. He was a bad husband and he blew up my young life. Even still if he did one day say he was sorry I would forgive him and respect him more when it comes to this. There are other things I do respect him for. I still love him as he is my father and after their divorce he was very good to me, today we are great friends. That is what you need to do for your kid. Be good to him and love him. Your son will still love you just as much. 

I'm sorry I just can't make you out to be the victim in this situation. You may be a victim, but here you did wrong. You did a very hurtful thing that has changed your boyfriends life forever. He may be the worst man on earth but like you say no one made you cheat with his friend. That is something apart form your marriage. I actually think this post though shows that you get that. That is a very good thing. I also think everyone is right you have some issues that you need to get to the bottom of. The best that can come out of this situation is you decide to change whatever it is that allowed you to do this so it never happens again. If you stay with him or go on to someone else you need the skills to avoid situations like this. 

That means you need to get some counseling. Preferably someone who has the same tone as you do. Meaning not saying what you did was OK even if your boyfriend is a jerk. But also trying to get to the bottom of why if he was a jerk you just didn't leave him. I don't think the affair was really about your boyfriend at all, though again he may not be nice to you. Sounds like YOU don't think your boyfriend's treatment of you was really a motivation for why you cheated. I think it is your poor self esteem. But that may also explain why you are willing to stay with someone who treated you so bad. Again two separate things but both caused by the same problem. See what I am saying? 

Some books you can get.

How to help your spouse heal after your affair. (I believe there is a free pdf of this online). 
Not just friends. 
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't)

These are the ones that are always recommended. I wish I could just tell you everything will be fine in a few months and it will be like it never happened, but you have kind of dug yourself a hole. You are going to have to fight to get out of it. But you can and you should. Again no matter what you will have joy and happiness again (that is a given), but if you want to have a really stable and better life you need to see this as a turning point. One where YOU worked hard on you so you never dig this kind of hole again.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

theterrible92 said:


> Our relationship wasn’t perfect at all. Things were slowly getting better. I was a crappy girlfriend, there was room for improvement if I could figure out how to be better. I destroyed everything that we spent years trying to fix. I wish that I could take it back or wake up from this nightmare. I don’t know what I am supposed to tell my son when one day he asks why his dad and I are no longer together. He will hate me forever. I want my boyfriend to be willing to try, when the shock wears off, but I know that is a lot to ask. Too much to ask. I want there to be a chance…. There has to be something I can do. I’d do anything….. Right now he wants nothing to do with me because I’m disgusting to him.
> 
> He is mad all the time. He either ignores my existence on the planet or is screaming at me. I know he has that right…but I don’t know how to handle it. Every time he walks by me he calls me a name or makes a comment about me being a dirty *****. It rips me into a million pieces each time. How long does it go on?
> 
> ...


Sorry your in this situation!
Hes going to strugle with this for a long time.But eventually it should subside.

Counceling could help. If ge won't go go yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Sorry your in this situation!
> Hes going to strugle with this for a long time.But eventually it should subside.
> 
> Counceling could help. If ge won't go go yourself.


:iagree:

Counselling, as a couple, as individuals, will be of benefit.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

Why would someone say I was having an emotional affair with him for years? We never talked about how I or he felt about each other.... It doesn't make sense.... I don't want my boyfriend to think that....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> Why would someone say I was having an emotional affair with him for years? We never talked about how I or he felt about each other.... It doesn't make sense.... I don't want my boyfriend to think that....


This is an open public forum. You will get people who say all kinds of nonsense. Just ignore the posts that you feel do not fit your situation. You will find that some people have very wild imaginations and make up all kinds of nonsense out of thin air. Ignore them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@theterrible92

Where is your son now? Is he living with you?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

theterrible92 said:


> I cheated on him...... Am I allowed to write here?
> 
> -Sorry


*If you're coming here to flaunt doing it, then get ready for the harsh inevitability; Conversely, if you're coming here with heartfelt remorse, you'll be welcomed with open arms!

You won't find a better bunch of folks anywhere!*


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

theterrible92 said:


> Why would someone say I was having an emotional affair with him for years? We never talked about how I or he felt about each other.... It doesn't make sense.... I don't want my boyfriend to think that....


So, you and he flirted a lot right? He was obviously grooming you for this, correct? All of that time holding your baby and showing you how great he is? You thought about how much better a father and partner he would be than your BF. 

You would dress differently when around him. You thought of him often. It's very obvious there was mutual attraction and flirting over those years. Just because you didn't openly discuss it doesn't mean there wasn't an ongoing interaction that your BF was excluded from. And by excluded, I mean you never disclosed to your BF that you had the hots for his friend and even dressed up for him. Correct?

An emotional affair is difficult to define, but there was very obviously an attraction and flirting during those years, likely from both you and the OM.

If the OM didn't shun you after he got what he wanted, would you have left your BF for him?

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> @theterrible92
> 
> Where is your son now? Is he living with you?


At this very moment, he's at school. He is living at home with me and my boyfriend. My boyfriends parents keep offering to take him for a few days so we can have a break and deal with this without him near, but I'm worried they will keep him from me. They never have before, but I hurt their son.... Horribly. 

I try to keep him out of the house as much as I can, so he doesn't feel the hostility.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

TX-SC said:


> So, you and he flirted a lot right? He was obviously grooming you for this, correct? All of that time holding your baby and showing you how great he is? You thought about how much better a father and partner he would be than your BF.
> 
> You would dress differently when around him. You thought of him often. It's very obvious there was mutual attraction and flirting over those years. Just because you didn't openly discuss it doesn't mean there wasn't an ongoing interaction that your BF was excluded from. And by excluded, I mean you never disclosed to your BF that you had the hots for his friend and even dressed up for him. Correct?
> 
> ...


Although I agree with what you are saying, I personally would not define it as an affair, but as a CRUSH. Only reason is because it was from her perspective possibly unrequited. (she did not know how he felt) 

As a mom I can notice at the school other moms and their thinly veiled crushes on other dads or teachers at the school. If the other person is seemingly ignorant (and does not seem to share the feelings) I do not think it is an affair. Affair requires the consent of two people, even emotional ones. 

As to guilt of crushes... I have had a few. Non that I took too much effort on besides looking cute then thinking I was crazy and alternated between zero effort and effort to look nice. Never went out of my way to engage... So action makes the difference. 

OP You seemed to be acting on your crush, and while you didn't know his true feelings. So I do believe on many levels you helped orchestrate it all. 

But you know my feelings on these things, you got some deep seated value issues. (That you can begin to fix now.)


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

TX-SC said:


> theterrible92 said:
> 
> 
> > Why would someone say I was having an emotional affair with him for years? We never talked about how I or he felt about each other.... It doesn't make sense.... I don't want my boyfriend to think that....
> ...


We didn't flirt a lot.... We didn't flirt in front of other people really, not that anyone noticed. If we were alone for a second it was a bit more.... My boyfriend knew that I was closer to him than all his other friends, but didn't think anything past that. I wasn't going to tell him I was attracted to his friend.... No one else had a suspicion, they were surprised when they found out. We were not flirting that much.... He didn't "groom" me....either. He was in and out of relationships, and stopped flirting or noticing me during those times. 

I did think about him a lot, on and off, and dressed up for him. I know that was wrong.... I had thoughts that I shouldn't have... But I wasn't having an affair with him for 7 years....


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

theterrible92 said:


> We didn't flirt a lot.... We didn't flirt in front of other people really, not that anyone noticed. If we were alone for a second it was a bit more.... My boyfriend knew that I was closer to him than all his other friends, but didn't think anything past that. I wasn't going to tell him I was attracted to his friend.... No one else had a suspicion, they were surprised when they found out. We were not flirting that much.... He didn't "groom" me....either. He was in and out of relationships, and stopped flirting or noticing me during those times.
> 
> I did think about him a lot, on and off, and dressed up for him. I know that was wrong.... I had thoughts that I shouldn't have... But I wasn't having an affair with him for 7 years....


Okay, I'll take your word on that and I apologize if I misunderstood your situation. I'll back off on that line of thought. But, you haven't answered either of my two questions.

1) By not allowing the OM to use a condom, were you trying to get pregnant and force him into a relationship?

2) If the OM hadn't shunned you after sex, would you have dumped your BF for him?

In other words, was your intention to trade up from your BF to the OM?

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

TX-SC said:


> theterrible92 said:
> 
> 
> > We didn't flirt a lot.... We didn't flirt in front of other people really, not that anyone noticed. If we were alone for a second it was a bit more.... My boyfriend knew that I was closer to him than all his other friends, but didn't think anything past that. I wasn't going to tell him I was attracted to his friend.... No one else had a suspicion, they were surprised when they found out. We were not flirting that much.... He didn't "groom" me....either. He was in and out of relationships, and stopped flirting or noticing me during those times.
> ...


I didn't force him not to use a condom... He was allowed to if he wanted... I told him not but wouldn't force it. I had reasons, I'm not saying they were good choices.... I wasn't trying to force him into a relationship, that wasn't a thought.



I wasn't trying to trade my boyfriend for someone else..... If I felt closer to the friend and he was better to me than my boyfriend , then it felt like an obvious choice to end the relationship. He wasn't though, so it's irrelevant and it was all stupid thinking.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> I didn't force him not to use a condom... He was allowed to if he wanted... I told him not but wouldn't force it. I had reasons, I'm not saying they were good choices.... I wasn't trying to force him into a relationship, that wasn't a thought.
> 
> What was in my head, not saying it was good. It horrifies me to say it out loud.... I wanted to feel closer to him, no protection made me feel closer. I hate using them with my boyfriend it makes me feel like there is a barrier (and there is). He said he liked going without and never got to, I wanted to do that for him. I felt like I craved him to "finish" inside. Getting pregnant wasn't horrifying to me at the time....now it's absolutely horrifying.
> 
> I wasn't trying to trade my boyfriend for someone else..... If I felt closer to the friend and he was better to me than my boyfriend , then it felt like an obvious choice to end the relationship. He wasn't though, so it's irrelevant and it was all stupid thinking.


you really need to get individual counseling. 

you have said that your past had no relevance on your infidelity, but you dont seem to realize that you dont respond to the world the way most people do. if you want to be able to make sure you dont put yourself into another situation like this ever again, you need to understand the WHOLE scope of things that led you to make the decisions that you made. 

you need to understand exactly how your mind responds to situations, and by what process you make decisions. your past may be buried, but its still eeking out enough for a bunch of strangers on the internet to immediately notice that something is off.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@theterrible92 are you willing to answer the question that many posters asked in the beginning of this thread: 

were you abused as a child?

Are you actually finding it helpful sharing your story on this forum thus far? What are you taking away from this process?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> At this very moment, he's at school. He is living at home with me and my boyfriend. My boyfriends parents keep offering to take him for a few days so we can have a break and deal with this without him near, but I'm worried they will keep him from me. They never have before, but I hurt their son.... Horribly.
> 
> I try to keep him out of the house as much as I can, so he doesn't feel the hostility.


You don't know much about the law do you? I suggest that you start looking up the law in your area. Also it might help you to talk to a solicitor (lawyer).

His parents cannot legally keep your child from you. If they try that you can call the police and they will get your child for you. They might even press kidnapping charges against your in laws.

The fact that you hurt their son has no baring on child custody. Did they give a hoot all these years when he mistreated you? Of course not. So don't concern yourself with them.

Go learn the law so that people cannot threaten you with such nonsense.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> theterrible92 said:
> 
> 
> > I didn't force him not to use a condom... He was allowed to if he wanted... I told him not but wouldn't force it. I had reasons, I'm not saying they were good choices.... I wasn't trying to force him into a relationship, that wasn't a thought.
> ...


It feels like a cop out.... I cheated because x, y, z therefore you can't blame me as much or be as mad at me? I don't want a therapist to dig and dig at things just for the sake of it. That would make it worse. I've dealt with it..... I don't need to redo it..... I'm not going to remake the same mistake.... Maybe I'm coming off wrong....

Or I'm even more messed up and crappy than just the cheating.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> @theterrible92 are you willing to answer the question that many posters asked in the beginning of this thread:
> 
> were you abused as a child?
> 
> Are you actually finding it helpful sharing your story on this forum thus far? What are you taking away from this process?


I don't want to discuss my past.... I don't see the details of that being relevant.... I don't know how I feel about posting here yet. I can't talk to anyone in my life about it. Everyone knows what I did and hates me. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, and I know I'm being judged here but it doesn't feel as bad or as harsh. No one cares how I feel, nor should they, it's my fault.... I don't want my boyfriend to ever find this and read it, I don't think he would he doesn't ever use forums but I worry about it a bit. Maybe I shouldn't have posted here....I don't deserve any help or support.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> It feels like a cop out.... I cheated because x, y, z therefore you can't blame me as much or be as mad at me? I don't want a therapist to dig and dig at things just for the sake of it. That would make it worse. I've dealt with it..... I don't need to redo it..... I'm not going to remake the same mistake.... Maybe I'm coming off wrong....
> 
> Or I'm even more messed up and crappy than just the cheating.


did you ever think you would be in the situation you find yourself in to begin with?


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You don't know much about the law do you? I suggest that you start looking up the law in your area. Also it might help you to talk to a solicitor (lawyer).
> 
> His parents cannot legally keep your child from you. If they try that you can call the police and they will get your child for you. They might even press kidnapping charges against your in laws.
> 
> ...


I am not extremely familiar with the law, no. I know that if we don't stay together the default is 50/50 custody, and courts don't take into consideration anything other than abuse, neglect, abilities. He could lie.... he's a lot more familiar with law from his career. I know in theory he or his parents couldn't take my son from me but the fear is still there.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> did you ever think you would be in the situation you find yourself in to begin with?


No.... but now I have and wouldn't let it repeat.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> I don't want to discuss my past.... I don't see the details of that being relevant.... I don't know how I feel about posting here yet. I can't talk to anyone in my life about it. Everyone knows what I did and hates me. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, and I know I'm being judged here but it doesn't feel as bad or as harsh. No one cares how I feel, nor should they, it's my fault.... I don't want my boyfriend to ever find this and read it, I don't think he would he doesn't ever use forums but I worry about it a bit. *Maybe I shouldn't have posted here....I don't deserve any help or support.*


you see, this is why so many of us are concerned about you...


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

@theterrible92

Have you ever heard of kintsugi? It's Japanese for "golden repair". It's these gorgeous pottery items that have had their cracks filled in with gold. To the Japanese, this made the pottery pieces MORE beautiful, not LESS.

Let me give you some backstory: I was raped as a child. Abused to the point that I have lasting damage to one eye. I can talk freely about all this now not because I was quiet. But because I spoke up. THIS is the place to talk about things. THIS is the place to figure things out.

If you want, I'm always available for PMs.

Oh, and the cute little stuffie that's attached to Asladain...or his ball and chain as others call it.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Akinaura said:


> Oh, and *i'm* the cute little stuffie that's attached to Asladain...or his ball and chain as others call it.


fixed that for you Aki. :wink2:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

92, you should have filed charges when he pushed you out of the house. If you live in a house, there is no way a room mate can legally kick you out without a court order; I don't give a damn if they are paying all the rent or have fee simple title to the property. Moreover, it is highly unlikely a "boyfriend" is going to get custody of a child unless he can show you're an unfit and dangerous parent. You need to at least talk with an attorney. If you cannot afford one, check with legal aide via your local government.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

theterrible92 said:


> I don't want to discuss my past.... I don't see the details of that being relevant.... I don't know how I feel about posting here yet. I can't talk to anyone in my life about it. Everyone knows what I did and hates me. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, and I know I'm being judged here but it doesn't feel as bad or as harsh. No one cares how I feel, nor should they, it's my fault.... I don't want my boyfriend to ever find this and read it, I don't think he would he doesn't ever use forums but I worry about it a bit. Maybe I shouldn't have posted here....I don't deserve any help or support.



Ok so you don't believe: you deserve help; you deserve support; anyone should care how you feel. Is it safe to say you don't believe you deserve to be loved? What makes you think you don't deserve to be loved?

When we aren't loved as children, it's easy to make the connection that it must mean we aren't worthy of love. It's easier to blame ourselves and say it is our fault, that gives us a little more control over the situation. The truth is it's just a cop out to avoid having to deal with the painful emotions and memories of not being loved. It's easier to blame ourselves than to admit to the helplessness of not being loved by the people who were supposed to protect us.

If the past we're really irrelevant OP, you would not have shared the long backstory of your relationship and how you ended up cheating. Your childhood is the long backstory as to who you are today, why you think/behave the way you do and why you are ended up in your current relationship. If you don't believe you deserve love, it's no surprise that you are in a relationship that reinforces that. 

If your childhood is so irrelevant, why bother being a loving parent to your child now? Why do any parents bother making the effort to protect their children from abuse? Because we all know that children deserve love and because we know how they are raised now will have a lot to do with who they become as adults.

I didn't hear the words I love you until a friend of mine randomly discovered that my parents had never said it to me. I didn't really comprehend how different my childhood was from my friends until then. She destroyed the image I had in my head of having a decent childhood with three simple words.

When was the last time you heard those words (I love you) OP? When was the last time you felt happy with yourself?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Here it is:
> 
> *Ella's Guide to Surviving Your Own Infidelity*
> 
> ...


When I started reading this thread, I saw this post (most of which I omitted for brevity) and it rankled with me. As a once-BS, I felt like a lot of this stuff would not have had the intended effect on me. I had intended to do a lengthy rebuttal, posting in a new and separate thread to avoid thread-jack.

But lucky for me, before spending all that time, I read the rest of this thread and changed my mind.

I don't think you have a relationship to save. It sounds like you never had a good relationship from the very beginning. The best advice in the post is to take the time to heal yourself. There is a whole lot of history evident to us that went into making you behave the way you do, and you need to unravel it from the start before you can become a better person. I think your energy is far better devoted to individual counseling than trying to repair your current relationship. Offer him fair division of assets and debts, 50-50 time with your child (if he wants that much), and focus on your son and your own future. Maybe your boyfriend will be patient enough to wait for you to transform yourself, but that's not the point.

I figure to make the rebuttal now would just arm more cheaters with knowledge to use to continue deceiving their betrayed spouses than it would ever help a genuinely remorseful wayward spouse.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> 92, you should have filed charges when he pushed you out of the house. If you live in a house, there is no way a room mate can legally kick you out without a court order; I don't give a damn if they are paying all the rent or have fee simple title to the property. Moreover, it is highly unlikely a "boyfriend" is going to get custody of a child unless he can show you're an unfit and dangerous parent. You need to at least talk with an attorney. If you cannot afford one, check with legal aide via your local government.


I want to save our relationship not make it worse…. Calling the police on anything isn’t going to help my case…. To be honest, calling the police didn’t even cross my mind. I deserved it. I spent hours with his close friend….and had sex with him….with no protection….at a wedding….when he did nothing to deserve that….and was maybe 400 feet away….and could have walked in at any point along with his friends…. In comparison, kicking me out of the house is nothing….He still wants me to leave, but I feel like as soon as I walk out that door I’m never going to be welcome back. 




Keke24 said:


> Ok so you don't believe: you deserve help; you deserve support; anyone should care how you feel. Is it safe to say you don't believe you deserve to be loved? What makes you think you don't deserve to be loved?
> 
> When we aren't loved as children, it's easy to make the connection that it must mean we aren't worthy of love. It's easier to blame ourselves and say it is our fault, that gives us a little more control over the situation. The truth is it's just a cop out to avoid having to deal with the painful emotions and memories of not being loved. It's easier to blame ourselves than to admit to the helplessness of not being loved by the people who were supposed to protect us.
> 
> ...


Because of what I did…. Why would I deserve to be loved after that? No one cares about the cheater, they did that to themselves…. I have always been a ****ty girlfriend for him. From day 1. 

The last time time someone said they loved me? Every day, my son. Excluding that, years ago. Probably. At the beginning of our relationship. Maybe at Christmas from an Aunt. Yeah I didn’t hear it or feel it growing up. That tends to happen when your mom doesn’t care enough to get you out of a bad situation so your “father”, who later turns out to be gay, puts a bullet through your mom’s temple after inflicting emotional, physical, sexual, financial abuse with the reason that his father was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to him and due to a 
“mild, circumstantial, one-time, amnesia disorder” he is released from minimum security prison without ever admitting to it, meanwhile you are put in the middle of a 5 year custody battle between 5 parties and all anyone cares about is winning not you so they don’t notice anything else going on, when they do it is buried in “play therapy” and never brought up again until you are 16.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

92, in all seriousness, you really need to see a counselor about your self persecution. You ain't the first and certainly won't be the last to cheat on a boyfriend and as far as you know he may have cheated on you. You confess, he didn't like it, you didn't think he'd like it, and the ball is in his court as to what to do about it. Plenty on both side have recovered from cheating and the other man provided what you needed at the time. If that weren't true, you'd never bagged the guy. If he wants to reconcile you should consider it and maybe turn it loose. It really doesn't sound like ya'll are that crazy about each other. If you that crazy about him, the friend wouldn't have ringed you chimes and ge in you pants.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Your boyfriend did not respect or LOVE YOU. now no excuse to cheat but damn girl... I feel you are broken and now dont even feel like you deserve to be put back together! 

you deserve a good life. What you have done is not unredeemable. Please know that you did not exchange vows and your boyfriend never made you feel loved. He did not deserve to be cheated on no! But you needed to get out of this ROTTEN relationship where you are not honored as partner. Maybe you do not deserve to be a wife to him or anyone right now becayuse you need to learn to see your worth first. 

Value yourself.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

theterrible92 said:


> I want to save our relationship not make it worse…. Calling the police on anything isn’t going to help my case…. To be honest, calling the police didn’t even cross my mind. I deserved it. I spent hours with his close friend….and had sex with him….with no protection….at a wedding….when he did nothing to deserve that….and was maybe 400 feet away….and could have walked in at any point along with his friends…. In comparison, kicking me out of the house is nothing….He still wants me to leave, but I feel like as soon as I walk out that door I’m never going to be welcome back.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


you remind me of the thief that steals food to feed themselves. yeah, people can call them a thief because they stole the food and it is ok to expect them to pay for it, but what good does it do unless they can find a way to teach the thief to feed themselves? if all he knows how to do is steal food, then he will go right back to what he knows. 

i see now why you don't want to look at your past. look, its not an excuse. it isn't a cop out. you aren't them, you aren't trying to say "poor pitiful me, its not my fault". you know, love is a choice. the people who should have taught you that were supposed to show you how to CHOOSE to love, despite how they felt in the moment. instead, they showed you what they knew. 

since you get to choose who you are by choosing what you do, you CAN choose to love yourself. you will never know how to _really_ love someone else unless you know what it is to love yourself. 

a lot of people misunderstand that concept to mean that they don't hold themselves accountable. self love is not about making up a story in your mind. it is not fabricating a facade to look at and smile at. it is not about thrills, pampering yourself, or letting yourself off the hook. its not about any of the transient feelings, emotions. no, self love is about becoming the kind of person you are proud of. it is also about awareness. 

before the infidelity, were you proud of who you were? i know that you would say that you are not proud of yourself now, but were you proud of your character, of who you were, back then?

if you could, would you become someone that you are proud of? you are responsible for guiding a child through life. you are responsible for teaching him how to love himself. it doesn't seem to me that your boyfriend has any interest in teaching him how to love himself, so that only leaves you. 

do you know how?


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

theterrible92 said:


> I want to save our relationship not make it worse…. Calling the police on anything isn’t going to help my case…. To be honest, calling the police didn’t even cross my mind. I deserved it. I spent hours with his close friend….and had sex with him….with no protection….at a wedding….when he did nothing to deserve that….and was maybe 400 feet away….and could have walked in at any point along with his friends…. In comparison, kicking me out of the house is nothing….He still wants me to leave, but I feel like as soon as I walk out that door I’m never going to be welcome back.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




And you SERIOUSLY don’t think your life NOW has anything to do with the above (your childhood)??????




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

theterrible92 said:


> I want to save our relationship not make it worse…. Calling the police on anything isn’t going to help my case…. To be honest, calling the police didn’t even cross my mind. I deserved it. I spent hours with his close friend….and had sex with him….with no protection….at a wedding….when he did nothing to deserve that….and was maybe 400 feet away….and could have walked in at any point along with his friends…. In comparison, kicking me out of the house is nothing….He still wants me to leave, but I feel like as soon as I walk out that door I’m never going to be welcome back.
> 
> Because of what I did…. Why would I deserve to be loved after that? No one cares about the cheater, they did that to themselves…. I have always been a ****ty girlfriend for him. From day 1.
> 
> The last time time someone said they loved me? Every day, my son. Excluding that, years ago. Probably. At the beginning of our relationship. Maybe at Christmas from an Aunt. Yeah I didn’t hear it or feel it growing up. That tends to happen when your mom doesn’t care enough to get you out of a bad situation so your “father”, who later turns out to be gay, puts a bullet through your mom’s temple after inflicting emotional, physical, sexual, financial abuse with the reason that his father was emotionally, physically and sexually abusive to him and due to a “mild, circumstantial, one-time, amnesia disorder” he is released from minimum security prison without ever admitting to it, meanwhile you are put in the middle of a 5 year custody battle between 5 parties and all anyone cares about is winning not you so they don’t notice anything else going on, when they do it is buried in “play therapy” and never brought up again until you are 16.


OP, thank you for sharing your story with us. I truly appreciate you allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us by reliving such deeply painful memories.

What happened to you was terrible. I am sorry your mom failed to protect you and that her failure to get out of a bad situation led to her demise. I am sorry that your father, the one who was supposed to protect both you and your mom, chose to abuse the two of you instead. The justice system failed you and your mom. And instead of recognizing how desperately you needed help, the other adults around you made everything worse. That is a lot of pain and suffering for an adult to deal with, much less a helpless child with no support system. It's a wonder that you're a functional adult today, do you truly realize how much you've overcome? Do you not recognize how strong you have to be to come out of a situation like that and be able to function normally in society? 

I'll tell you OP that I have a lot of great childhood memories spending time with my siblings and extended family but when I think of my parents, all I think about is pain. I think of my father and I see pure hatred on his face while he was beating my mom and us kids with whatever he could lay his hands on, I think of my mother and I see her in her bedroom wringing her hands while my father was in my room molesting my crying sister next to me. For a long time after I ran away from home, I felt that everything was finally ok. I was a tough cookie, lots of people have ****ty childhoods and they turn out just fine. I didn't need counseling, I didn't even believe in depression. I'd hear about it on tv ads and I'd think these folks must be real softies. How wrong I was. With the help of the people here on TAM I realized I didn't deserve to be treated that way and my parents were not worthy of my love and loyalty. Through TAM I realized that none of us are immune to childhood trauma, I desperately needed help. Today I know that I have a personality disorder as a result of what happened. It is still scary coming to terms with it but it has shed light on who I really am, why I do the things that I do and what lies ahead for me.

What I value most about understanding myself and how my childhood affected me, is that now I feel empowered to provide a better life for my future children. My children do not deserve to suffer for the mistakes of my parents. My father had a terrible childhood and the pain I live with today is the result of him refusing to get psychological help. I would be no better than him if I too failed to get the help I need.

Hurt people hurt people OP. You say your mother did not care enough to get you out of a bad situation, where does that leave you OP? With the little you've shared, I don't think any of the posters here would be excited about the prospect of growing up as child in the home that you and your boyfriend have created. Decades later and you are repeating the very mistakes your mother made. Do you not care enough to fix your situation for your son?


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> theterrible92 said:
> 
> 
> > I want to save our relationship not make it worse?. Calling the police on anything isn?t going to help my case?. To be honest, calling the police didn?t even cross my mind. I deserved it. I spent hours with his close friend?.and had sex with him?.with no protection?.at a wedding?.when he did nothing to deserve that?.and was maybe 400 feet away?.and could have walked in at any point along with his friends?. In comparison, kicking me out of the house is nothing?.He still wants me to leave, but I feel like as soon as I walk out that door I?m never going to be welcome back.
> ...


My son doesn't see anything that I saw. There is no physical abuse. There is no financial abuse. There is no sexual abuse. There is no emotional abuse. He rarely sees us fight, and if he does its no different than anyone else. He always sees us make up, except right now. He is NOT subject to what I was. Not even close.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

theterrible92 said:


> My son doesn't see anything that I saw. There is no physical abuse. There is no financial abuse. There is no sexual abuse. There is no emotional abuse. He rarely sees us fight, and if he does its no different than anyone else. He always sees us make up, except right now. He is NOT subject to what I was. Not even close.


Oh yes he must not know because what he can't see will never hurt him. Random strangers on the internet are able to decipher that your boyfriend doesn't truly love you and that you do not truly love yourself but your son who is living with you day in and day out can't figure this out. You may be able to hide who you are from your boyfriend because he doesn't care to see you but your son sees you OP.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

theterrible92 said:


> Our relationship wasn’t perfect at all. Things were slowly getting better. I was a crappy girlfriend, there was room for improvement if I could figure out how to be better. I destroyed everything that we spent years trying to fix. I wish that I could take it back or wake up from this nightmare. I don’t know what I am supposed to tell my son when one day he asks why his dad and I are no longer together. He will hate me forever. I want my boyfriend to be willing to try, when the shock wears off, but I know that is a lot to ask. Too much to ask. I want there to be a chance…. There has to be something I can do. I’d do anything….. Right now he wants nothing to do with me because I’m disgusting to him.
> 
> He is mad all the time. He either ignores my existence on the planet or is screaming at me. I know he has that right…but I don’t know how to handle it. Every time he walks by me he calls me a name or makes a comment about me being a dirty *****. It rips me into a million pieces each time. How long does it go on?
> 
> ...


First of all, there are no good guys and bad guys in the real world. That is absolutely not true. You are not a BAD person and your boyfriend is not the GOOD guy who deserves any sort of admiration for "putting up with you". You are a human being, and like all of us, you ARE worthy of love. 

I know you can't see it right now, but your boyfriend IS emotionally abusing you by screaming at you and calling you names. I can think of a million other ways men deal with this kind of infidelity (for example, writing here and processing through their feelings of being betrayed). Many will walk away, some may yell in anger and then apologize... calling someone names and treating someone like garbage (throwing them outside) is NEVER, EVER, EVER okay. 

Whatever traumas you have suffered are not an excuse. None of us are saying you should use your past to excuse what you have done. What we are saying is you need to get help for yourself first and foremost. You need to speak to a therapist so you can build yourself back up so hopefully you can realize that this is an incredibly toxic relationship that no one deserves....no matter what "bad" things you've done in your life. 

Sending you all my love!!


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> *All the stuff you feel is pretty common. His reaction is common too. In this case he has a legitimate right to be angry. Speaking from experience, at first the anger is overwhelming. I have never been more angry in my life before or since. Only you know how long you should put up with it. You have to expect it though. Usually that intense anger last months. It may make sense to get away just so the two of you can have some peace. We always advise the one who is cheated on to detach so they can get their emotions in check. Also DON'T stay if you don't feel safe. *
> 
> Unfortunately it is a horrible thing, you can't couch it, he is in tremendous pain. He will get better though. Time at worst will dull the pain maybe at best even heal it. There is no way to say if you will stay together now, it's way too soon, and it's really all in his court as far as the affair goes. Maybe this is a sign that you shouldn't. It doesn't sound like you had the best relationship to begin with. That is a different issue then the cheating though. Events like cheating are moments that effect your whole life. They don't go away, you learn to live with them, because of that it may take years for him to decide. I don't want to lie to you, you both are going to be in pain for a while, usually years but it won't be as intense as it is now. Everyday will get a little easier. I promise you that it will get better, life will go on. I can assure you both of you will be happy again. Maybe together, maybe apart.
> 
> ...


Omg.. I just can't....

Have you even seen the statistics of how many women are killed by their domestic partners?! I'm not saying you are someone who would do that, but what you are saying... it's an incredibly slippery slope. Male anger is... well.. possibly the most frightening thing. And for you to say this is NORMAL, this is OKAY... well you can tell you are a man and you have never sat across or near a man wondering if he may kill you. 

I just can't believe how many men think this is okay... and how many women have unknowingly accepted that this type of anger is "okay" and no problem. Sh*t.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> @theterrible92 are you willing to answer the question that many posters asked in the beginning of this thread:
> 
> *were you abused as a child?*
> 
> Are you actually finding it helpful sharing your story on this forum thus far? What are you taking away from this process?


She may never be able to answer that.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Akinaura said:


> @theterrible92
> 
> Have you ever heard of kintsugi? It's Japanese for "golden repair". It's these gorgeous pottery items that have had their cracks filled in with gold. To the Japanese, this made the pottery pieces MORE beautiful, not LESS.
> 
> ...


I said "awww" out loud as I read the first line because I knew exactly where you were going. You are a beautiful person! Thank you for sharing your story <3.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

theterrible92 said:


> I want to save our relationship not make it worse…. Calling the police on anything isn’t going to help my case…. To be honest, calling the police didn’t even cross my mind. I deserved it. I spent hours with his close friend….and had sex with him….with no protection….at a wedding….when he did nothing to deserve that….and was maybe 400 feet away….and could have walked in at any point along with his friends…. In comparison, kicking me out of the house is nothing….He still wants me to leave, but I feel like as soon as I walk out that door I’m never going to be welcome back.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't have any words. I am so sorry for your loss. I really honestly can't imagine... 

I know you said you've been to therapy...why did you decide to stop? Have you tried other forms of healing (like EFT: emotional freedom technique, yoga, or meditation, or journaling)? That is an incredibly traumatic childhood you've had.. no one can work through that without some help .

We are here for you! Yes, we are strangers...but we're here.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Keke24 said:


> OP, thank you for sharing your story with us. I truly appreciate you allowing yourself to be vulnerable with us by reliving such deeply painful memories.
> 
> What happened to you was terrible. I am sorry your mom failed to protect you and that her failure to get out of a bad situation led to her demise. I am sorry that your father, the one who was supposed to protect both you and your mom, chose to abuse the two of you instead. The justice system failed you and your mom. And instead of recognizing how desperately you needed help, the other adults around you made everything worse. That is a lot of pain and suffering for an adult to deal with, much less a helpless child with no support system. It's a wonder that you're a functional adult today, do you truly realize how much you've overcome? Do you not recognize how strong you have to be to come out of a situation like that and be able to function normally in society?
> 
> ...


 Your story is so touching. It's really nice that you shared it here for her to see what she can become! The last line is especially powerful... wow.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife, Mary, said she sees so much of her in you. 

She really hopes the very best for you, somehow. 

I know my wife rejected help for years. She fought hard to avoid being helped. 

We do pray you find it in your heart to accept the help you need.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

purplesunsets said:


> Omg.. I just can't....
> 
> Have you even seen the statistics of how many women are killed by their domestic partners?! I'm not saying you are someone who would do that, but what you are saying... it's an incredibly slippery slope. Male anger is... well.. possibly the most frightening thing. And for you to say this is NORMAL, this is OKAY... well you can tell you are a man and you have never sat across or near a man wondering if he may kill you.
> 
> I just can't believe how many men think this is okay... and how many women have unknowingly accepted that this type of anger is "okay" and no problem. Sh*t.


In this case I said it is normal and understandable. When someone treats you like **** it normal to get angry about it. This is human behavior 101. I am also not going to say that anger is always wrong either. There is righteous anger which is actually a good thing. When I see someone being abused I get angry about it. That's a good thing. For instance, the thing that galvanized the civil rights movement in the 50-60s in the USA was seeing men being hosed down in the street. Middle America got angry and said that is enough. That was absolutely a positive thing, thank angry people for that. 

This man has a right to be angry about what was done to him. Also he has a right to complain and call out her actions. Adultery is very much like rape in my book. Having been very close with a rape survivor I can say that it follows all of the patterns. The PTSD, the feeling of loss of agency in ones life. Having your emotional security stolen from you. Being blindsided and put in one of the worst kinds emotional trauma and pain, and in this case it's by a person who you believe is their there to protect you. Having an action committed on you that changes your whole life and you as a person. It's a terrible evil, the level of abuse in this relationship is now pretty much even. 

He called her names and emotionally abused her, she has now also emotionally abuse him. He put his hands on here one time and pushed her out of the house. No one here is the good guy. She didn't have an affair in self defense for instance. Him putting his hands on her is wrong. Her emotional problems probably did cause this, but his abuse doesn't justify hers to him. The correct action and one that I would be supporting wholeheartedly would be for he to leave him. Unfortunately that didn't and now he is an abuse victim as much as she seemingly is. 

If you read any blogs about infidelity the advice I gave is a pretty common one. I also told her to leave if she doesn't feel safe and she should. But having your spouse man or women lash out at you verbally after they are horribly abused is pretty much par for the course and expected. Violence is always wrong. This follows the same rule as cheating. Being treated bad doesn't give you the right to do something worse to the person who did this, but being angry, and even lashing out with hurtful words is no where near the same is physical violent abuse, or cheating with your SO friend for that matter. You may be one of those people who have the laughable philosophy that words = violence. Ask anyone who has been at the end of both and they will tell you that is bull****. 

Somehow you translate that into me saying it's OK to kill someone? Women get just as angry when this happens by the way and they lash out just as much. Look I am sorry if you had that experience but your post comes across as bigoted to me. Just because you had a bad experience with a man doesn't mean we are all like that. For instance I didn't kill the person who abused and cheated on me. There were a few times I yelled at her before I ghosted. I didn't even call her the W word for instance, but every word I did say about her to her was true and probably hurt more because she had no defense against it. It was a great evil she did to me, she was a liar and a phony. She did change my life forever. She stole my innocence. I had a right to say that and if I did it while yelling so be it. I had never yelled a her before and I can count on one hand the amount I have yelled at anyone. 

By the way I am a man who was threatened by another man at gun point, I literally had to run for my life thinking I would be shot in the back. So I probably know better then you what it's like. That didn't lead me to assume every man or all men were dangerous. I choose to judge people as individuals, by their actions, you should do the same. 

As far as OP the whole thing is a ****show. There is very little advice you can give when the relationship has this much abuse in it on both sides. Probably the best advice that can be given is for both of them to cut their losses. I don't think either of them are healthy enough to have a healthy relationship at this point in their lives. OP seems to want to stay though, so if that is the case she needs to know that he is going to be angry for a long time. That is just honest and human nature. I would also hope that she gets counseling to deal with the awful childhood, and if he is dangerous which may be the case, that she is helped to be empowered to leave.

Also none of what both of them has done makes them unredeemable, people do bad things. Thankfully they can change.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> It feels like a cop out.... I cheated because x, y, z therefore you can't blame me as much or be as mad at me? I don't want a therapist to dig and dig at things just for the sake of it. That would make it worse. I've dealt with it..... I don't need to redo it..... I'm not going to remake the same mistake.... Maybe I'm coming off wrong....
> 
> Or I'm even more messed up and crappy than just the cheating.


This isn't about giving you an "excuse" for cheating -- it's about YOU finding out WHY you reacted in the way you did and why you went down the path you did. Going to IC is for YOU to understand yourself better, and to try to get a better outlook on life. It's to help YOU heal.


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## koswoli (Oct 16, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> I didn't force him not to use a condom... He was allowed to if he wanted... I told him not but wouldn't force it. I had reasons, I'm not saying they were good choices.... I wasn't trying to force him into a relationship, that wasn't a thought.
> 
> *What was in my head, not saying it was good. It horrifies me to say it out loud.... I wanted to feel closer to him, no protection made me feel closer. I hate using them with my boyfriend it makes me feel like there is a barrier (and there is). He said he liked going without and never got to, I wanted to do that for him. I felt like I craved him to "finish" inside. Getting pregnant wasn't horrifying to me at the time....now it's absolutely horrifying.*
> 
> I wasn't trying to trade my boyfriend for someone else..... If I felt closer to the friend and he was better to me than my boyfriend , then it felt like an obvious choice to end the relationship. He wasn't though, so it's irrelevant and it was all stupid thinking.


You've got to be kidding me. Your BF would be an IDIOT to take you back. If he does, he deserves to **** whoever he wants for the rest of your relationship. You no longer deserve faithfulness from anyone. You went bareback with a buddy of his, and begged him to cum in you. You said it in your own words, you wanted him to fill you up with his juices. You may have deleted it, but the text is still in the quotes. Does he know you were not on birth control and WANTED to get pregnant? Do you really think your BF is going to want to hang around and raise his buddies spawn? How does he feel knowing that you let his buddy cum inside of you but won't let him?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> In this case I said it is normal and understandable. When someone treats you like **** it normal to get angry about it. This is human behavior 101. I am also not going to say that anger is always wrong either. There is righteous anger which is actually a good thing. When I see someone being abused I get angry about it. That's a good thing. For instance, the thing that galvanized the civil rights movement in the 50-60s in the USA was seeing men being hosed down in the street. Middle America got angry and said that is enough. That was absolutely a positive thing, thank angry people for that.
> 
> This man has a right to be angry about what was done to him. Also he has a right to complain and call out her actions. *Adultery is very much like rape in my book. Having been very close with a rape survivor I can say that it follows all of the patterns. * The PTSD, the feeling of loss of agency in ones life. Having your emotional security stolen from you. Being blindsided and put in one of the worst kinds emotional trauma and pain, and in this case it's by a person who you believe is their there to protect you. Having an action committed on you that changes your whole life and you as a person. It's a terrible evil, the level of abuse in this relationship is now pretty much even.
> 
> ...


That is insane and actually quite offensive. I've been both raped and cheated on.... those are two extremely opposite experiences. One, your body is being violated in a way in which you have no control. You begin to hate your own body and hurt yourself in ways you'd never imagine. You disconnect from reality and from your body in a way that is indescribable. 

Being cheated on hurts and feels like the ultimate betrayal...but there is absolutely no resemblance to being raped. You need to be a bit more sensitive, considering your audience on here in particular.. A woman who has seen the very worst in humanity and you're saying it's similar to cheating. It's really offensive. 

I think you need to accept that your viewpoint will NEVER resemble that of a woman. Of course you wouldn't fear men in the future because, for the most part, it's pretty likely you won't be raped, hit, or maybe killed by a man you know. Women are very aware of the possibility of being killed by a man who is very angry... ask any woman you know, she'll probably laugh and then remember a time when she feared for her life.

Domestic violence and rape are serious issues that predominantly affect women. It's very ignorant if you think you can relate to the experience of a woman just because "you know someone who was raped". I'm sorry but you really don't know...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i can say from personal experience that it doesnt feel good to be lied to or cheated on, but its nothing like having a parent repeatedly make attempts at your life, or beating you when you can do nothing. 

growing up, my mother tried to stab me with knives a lot. my parents never owned guns because of her. which is a good thing, or i might be dead. she broke chairs on my back, frying pans, really thick old bottles, etc. 

something that stuck with me for a very long time, and that i still have nightmares about every once in a while, was the paralysis. when my mother decided to beat me when i was really young, i remember being unable to move. its like that dream where you cannot will yourself to run. your whole body is weak and sluggish, and all your strength just evaporates away...

i haven't been scared/paralized like that in a long time, but ill never forget what it felt like. 

oddly enough, war is easier. combat is easy compared to trying to defend myself from my mother when i was a child...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

purplesunsets said:


> That is insane and actually quite offensive. I've been both raped and cheated on.... those are two extremely opposite experiences. One, your body is being violated in a way in which you have no control. You begin to hate your own body and hurt yourself in ways you'd never imagine. You disconnect from reality and from your body in a way that is indescribable.
> 
> Being cheated on hurts and feels like the ultimate betrayal...but there is absolutely no resemblance to being raped. You need to be a bit more sensitive, considering your audience on here in particular.. A woman who has seen the very worst in humanity and you're saying it's similar to cheating. It's really offensive.
> 
> ...


Look I am not going to debate you on this women's thread. I stand by what I said and have read many post by women who experienced both and say the cheating was worse, both are a terrible life changing violation, lets leave it at that. You seem determined to only make the poster a victim. So maybe for you what she did isn't a big deal because her boyfriend is a jerk. To me that really doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating. She hurt herself just as much by doing it. In my mind this is a story of two people who have both been terribly emotionally abusive to each other. Unless that is acknowledged how can she change and heal.

Actually OP's take on what happened is better and healthier then yours as she doesn't want to make excuses and takes full ownership of her actions. She just needs to get some counseling to get better and learn how to make better decisions.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

The OP asked about cheating on the boyfriend, whereas the forum has correctly placed the start at childhood.

I was married to a woman who was abused in the worst sort of way during childhood, regularly raped by her father and not protected by her mother, despite knowing. Our marriage problems weren't marriage problems per se - they were problems stemming from childhood abuse. 

So *theterrible92*, I believe you: that you were a terrible girlfriend. A person learns all manner of dysfunctional, abusive, and manipulative behavior with a childhood like yours.

A lot here are just dismissing what you say, about how terrible a girlfriend you were and how most people thought of you so badly prior to meeting him. I know how abusive a person with your background can be - I suffered years of it. 

It is unconscionable to put an unborn child into such an atrocious situation and you've attempted it twice. We don't know if you succeeded the second time because we don't know if you are pregnant yet. But the trauma on the first child is magnified now. It was no kind of childhood before, but it is worse now. 

Not being "marriage material" is a frank assessment, not abusive name-calling. A person who disagrees their childhood trauma is irrelevant to the present has obviously not recovered from it. 

This isn't about blame, but instead about recognizing dysfunctional, abusive behavior and addressing the causes. I see a lot of tactics in your writing that demonstrate you've had years of experience in the wrong things. The result has been evading and masking the root problem all the way to the present. 

I think it was Gus above who said you needed to fix yourself first. Absolutely. We're talking years of work here, not something that a little bit of counseling is going to wipe clean.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Look I am not going to debate you on this women's thread. * I stand by what I said and have read many post by women who experienced both and say the cheating was worse, both are a terrible life changing violation, lets leave it at that. * You seem determined to only make the poster a victim. So maybe for you what she did isn't a big deal because her boyfriend is a jerk. To me that really doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating. She hurt herself just as much by doing it. In my mind this is a story of two people who have both been terribly emotionally abusive to each other. Unless that is acknowledged how can she change and heal.
> 
> Actually OP's take on what happened is better and healthier then yours as she doesn't want to make excuses and takes full ownership of her actions. She just needs to get some counseling to get better and learn how to make better decisions.


No vagina, no opinion on whether it is worse to be a _woman who was raped or cheated on._

I do agree that we should stop arguing on this woman's post though! I've already told her directly that I'm not mentioning this to use an excuse... you've misunderstood me. I only meant it to help her see that she has much bigger issues to deal with right now. Sometimes, people find it easier to deal with "external demons" than the internal ones. That's why we so often find issues with other people but the issue is really with ourselves. Does that make sense? I'm not saying she's a victim and there's her excuse, no problem. I'm saying, forget the cheating for now, focus on your mental, spiritual, and physical health. 

But you're right, we shouldn't keep arguing. And thank you for being able to post on my other thread kindly, despite our difference of opinion here .


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

purplesunsets said:


> No vagina, no opinion on whether it is worse to be a _woman who was raped or cheated on._



I didn't know the vagina is where opinions come from. :wink2:

OP looks like you are posting on SI, that is a good thing. The wayward board is a good resource for cheaters. I find other reformed cheaters are best at cutting though bull**** as they are experts at it. They know it when they see it. You will get good advice.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

sokillme said:


> *I didn't know the vagina is where opinions come from. :wink2:*
> 
> OP looks like you are posting on SI, that is a good thing. The wayward board is a good resource for cheaters. I find other reformed cheaters are best at cutting though bull**** as they are experts at it. They know it when they see it. You will get good advice.


Hahaha, yep, all good ideas and opinions stem from the vagina.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

sokillme said:


> *I didn't know the vagina is where opinions come from. * :wink2:
> 
> OP looks like you are posting on SI, that is a good thing. The wayward board is a good resource for cheaters. I find other reformed cheaters are best at cutting though bull**** as they are experts at it. They know it when they see it. You will get good advice.


It's a natural assumption... since we all know men only think with their johnson :laugh:


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

TX-SC said:


> So, you and he flirted a lot right? He was obviously grooming you for this, correct? All of that time holding your baby and showing you how great he is? You thought about how much better a father and partner he would be than your BF.
> 
> You would dress differently when around him. You thought of him often. It's very obvious there was mutual attraction and flirting over those years. Just because you didn't openly discuss it doesn't mean there wasn't an ongoing interaction that your BF was excluded from. And by excluded, I mean you never disclosed to your BF that you had the hots for his friend and even dressed up for him. Correct?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


To be honest, you make it sound like SHE was grooming HIM for the affair/ONS.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

tt92,

To sum it up:

You experienced horrible things as a child and young person, which left you damaged: poor self esteem, poor boundaries, resulting in your making very bad decisions.

Sometimes we do things that impact our and other people's lives that we cannot take back, ever.

The only thing to do in those cases is to cut losses, and move on. Give yourself permission to leave the person who is unhealthy for you, and let the person you hurt move on. He is probably also unhealthy, and will repeat his own bad behavior with the next person, but that is not your problem.

You can learn about yourself, what your (unhealthy) attractions are to the wrong men, recognize when you are attracted to the wrong men for the wrong reasons, and love yourself enough to distance yourself from them, so you don't do things you will later regret.

The last thing you need is to enter into another relationship right away. Give yourself 2 years to work on yourself, and fix your bad "picker" so when you are in tune with yourself, you will choose a healthy person, not another person who will appeal to the damaged child in you.

What you did (cheating) is very bad. It is done and cannot be undone. Let your boyfriend go, so he is not reminded for the rest of his life of what you did, and so you are not punished (by him) for the rest of your life by him....or until he dumps you without warning.

Learn from it, make a commitment to never, ever cheat on anyone again, and then forgive yourself for what you did.

You don't have to tell your son that you cheated on his dad. He will probably figure it out anyway when he grows up and remembers what was said in his presence while you and his dad were fighting. Just tell him that the two of you were very unhealthy, and did things you shouldn't have. If he tells you he knows what you did, and if he is right, don't deny it. Tell him that you were a different person then, were acting out of your brokenness, and that you aren't broken anymore.

Keep seeing your therapist, and learn how to be your own best friend, protecting yourself from yourself and others, and learn to love in healthy ways.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> something that stuck with me for a very long time, and that i still have nightmares about every once in a while, was the paralysis. when my mother decided to beat me when i was really young, i remember being unable to move. its like that dream where you cannot will yourself to run. your whole body is weak and sluggish, and all your strength just evaporates away...


I know that feeling. It is absolutely terrifying.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

92,sorry about your situation. Well, some men never forgive infidelity, you slept with his good friend, you give him oral sex and I asume you dont give oral to your boyfriend. The betrail is to great. Maybe your boyfriend will never forgive you. Maybe it will take years. Be prepared for the worst and dont cheat in your next relationship.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> [/B]
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Problem is if she got pregnant with the friend, then he will have paternity rights. It sounds like her bf and his friend are abusive losers. Since there is no marriage, I think she should leave them and move far away with her child.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> I am sure I need to find another way to describe you, people like you, and my wife.
> 
> My wife likes the description broken child. Something about the Island of Misfit Toys show. The land where broken toys were welcomed. She would cry so much at that, but always wanted to watch it.
> 
> ...



Anyone with a heart feels that way about the island of misfit toys. It is about wanting to be loved but feeling rejected. I raised a handicapped child so I know all about it. I always love my child unconditionally.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> My past isn't an excuse for what I did.... My boyfriend isn't abusive. Ive done far worse than he has.



Sorry notterrible92, shoving you outdoors to sleep outside is abusive, period. Hating you and his child is abusive.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> We didn't flirt a lot.... We didn't flirt in front of other people really, not that anyone noticed. If we were alone for a second it was a bit more.... My boyfriend knew that I was closer to him than all his other friends, but didn't think anything past that. I wasn't going to tell him I was attracted to his friend.... No one else had a suspicion, they were surprised when they found out. We were not flirting that much.... He didn't "groom" me....either. He was in and out of relationships, and stopped flirting or noticing me during those times.
> 
> I did think about him a lot, on and off, and dressed up for him. I know that was wrong.... I had thoughts that I shouldn't have... But I wasn't having an affair with him for 7 years....



There are no thoughts you shouldn’t have. But there are thoughts and feelings you shouldn’t act on.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

theterrible92 said:


> I don't want to discuss my past.... I don't see the details of that being relevant.... I don't know how I feel about posting here yet. I can't talk to anyone in my life about it. Everyone knows what I did and hates me. I can't talk to anyone without being judged, and I know I'm being judged here but it doesn't feel as bad or as harsh. No one cares how I feel, nor should they, it's my fault.... I don't want my boyfriend to ever find this and read it, I don't think he would he doesn't ever use forums but I worry about it a bit. Maybe I shouldn't have posted here....I don't deserve any help or support.



After a certain number of posts, you can ask the moderators to move this thread to the private section.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

koswoli said:


> You've got to be kidding me. Your BF would be an IDIOT to take you back. If he does, he deserves to **** whoever he wants for the rest of your relationship. You no longer deserve faithfulness from anyone. You went bareback with a buddy of his, and begged him to cum in you. You said it in your own words, you wanted him to fill you up with his juices. You may have deleted it, but the text is still in the quotes. Does he know you were not on birth control and WANTED to get pregnant? Do you really think your BF is going to want to hang around and raise his buddies spawn? How does he feel knowing that you let his buddy cum inside of you but won't let him?



This vitriol is not helpful to the OP. Go post on the boyfriend’s thread, if he has one.


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## theterrible92 (Mar 5, 2018)

Edmund said:


> After a certain number of posts, you can ask the moderators to move this thread to the private section.


He will probably find this. Use this against me to. Might as well. Has done everything else.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

@theterrible92, 

how can we best help you?


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

From someone who has been abused and spent her whole life being told it's all her fault, for everything, take it from me, it's really not all your fault. Your normal meter is severely broken and you accept being treated very badly because you think this is normal. It's not. You accept fault for everything, and in doing so give an abusive person all the room in the world to be a complete bastard. And because you've been abused, blamed for all that goes wrong, you're a prime partner for someone like him who is always looking for someone to blame for everything, who will accept blame for everything, and who will take care of their wifely duties too. This is your normal and so you accept this abuse. And the cycle continues. 

The first thing to know is that this is not normal. Normal people do not take the blame for someone else's unreasonable behaviour or abuse. Normal people expect to be treated with a certain level of respectful behaviour. He's shown a huge lack of this before the cheating, And so you have to accept that, that is the way he is. This is him. You haven't made him who he is. He is who and what he is. Believe that.

Read up on narcissistic abuse. I imagine that your upbringing had a massive dose of that somewhere. Once you stop allowing these nut jobs in your life to blame you for all their own inadequacies, then you might be able to forgive yourself for being human and start seeing where the problems really are. Until you realise what it is that is in you that allows you to accept being treated like dog ****, then you won't be happy. And realising that will come with recognising the huge ****ed upness of the people around you and realising that it's not you, it's them.


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