# Im Being Pulled Away By These Emotions



## Relinquished (May 15, 2017)

Hello, first time poster here, long time lurker. Im considering leaving my fiancee. Two kids involved, one of mine from a previous (but he's been all they've known as a dad) and one from my current. Been together about 10 years. 

We dealt with a ton of issues in the beginning of our relationship, a porn addiction that left me crippled and frustrated sexually, tons of resentment due to the fact that I wasn't contributing monetarily to the relationship for awhile, (I was a stay at home mom and ot was agreed upon prior even though I took odd ball jobs here and there under and over the table to help out.) 

Somewhere along the way, with all of our issues, I have completely lost my sexual connection to my husband. I get anxiety pretty bad when he tries to touch me in any sexual way. I can't kiss him the way I used to and even though we get along, I can't seem to care enough. 

He's constantly in fear of me leaving him, made aware by the almost daily "joke" comments of me cheating or leaving. We communicate well and He has told me that he would stay with me even without sex, and I can't. 

He ditched the porn addiction awhile ago, has made a pretty huge effort to self-improve in the last year, but I feel like all the crap we went through has destroyed me emotionally. 

I just don't know how or when to bring it up to him. I don't want to hurt him, and I sure don't want to hurt my kids but I have been dying on the inside and crying almost daily for about 2 years. 

I'm more worried about the kids and am wondering if I can hold off long enough so his car is paid off first so he has a better financial situation. 

Im sorry if im rambling, I have a lot I want to say but it gets so jumbled up there...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What do you need from him that he is not doing?


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## Relinquished (May 15, 2017)

I dont know... I feel like I dont need anything anymore. 8 years ago i needed him to stop choosing porn over me, 5 years ago i needed him to help me with our new baby, and be supportive during the pregnancy, 4 years ago i needed him to stop saying what i did wasnt a job, and that the money was his to do as he pleases, and 2.5 years ago i needed him to take my conversations about how I was feeling seriously, instead of needing to repeat myself every other week when i told him what i needed. 

A year ago I got a job and split everything 50/50 regarding bills, I lost 50 lbs and started saving money, and now, I have no sexual desire for my husband. Which I feel extremely guilty about... Like its wrong and im broken. 

We get along well... We communicate better, but theres a large part of me that is craving sex and another part that says nope, not going to happen ever again. 

Does that make sense?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Relinquished said:


> I dont know... I feel like I dont need anything anymore. 8 years ago i needed him to stop choosing porn over me, 5 years ago i needed him to help me with our new baby, and be supportive during the pregnancy, 4 years ago i needed him to stop saying what i did wasnt a job, and that the money was his to do as he pleases, and 2.5 years ago i needed him to take my conversations about how I was feeling seriously, instead of needing to repeat myself every other week when i told him what i needed.
> 
> A year ago I got a job and split everything 50/50 regarding bills, I lost 50 lbs and started saving money, and now, I have no sexual desire for my husband. Which I feel extremely guilty about... Like its wrong and im broken.
> 
> ...


So who's the guy you have your eye on.


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## Relinquished (May 15, 2017)

I dont have an eye on any guys. Unless you count drooling at the fire hall as I pass by. However thats a normal occurance to me since puberty. But thank you for suggesting im cheating. Because someone couldnt possibly just be feeling like **** and not know why and try to get some insight... I get enough of the accusations at home.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

Well done on standing up for yourself!

@Relinquished 
It seems to me that you can either accept the status quo ... and an almost inevitable end to your marriage.
Or you can try and fight for it. Which would require commitment to, at least, trying to see whether you could recover something meaningful and worthwhile in your relationship with your husband. 
Do you have any desire/need to do so at all?
(I get that you have put considerable time and effort in the past into your marriage. And that none of us are bottomless pits of optimism and energy. But this is a "now" question.)


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Relinquished said:


> I dont know... I feel like I dont need anything anymore. 8 years ago i needed him to stop choosing porn over me, 5 years ago i needed him to help me with our new baby, and be supportive during the pregnancy, 4 years ago i needed him to stop saying what i did wasnt a job, and that the money was his to do as he pleases, and 2.5 years ago i needed him to take my conversations about how I was feeling seriously, instead of needing to repeat myself every other week when i told him what i needed.
> 
> A year ago I got a job and split everything 50/50 regarding bills, I lost 50 lbs and started saving money, and now, I have no sexual desire for my husband. Which I feel extremely guilty about... Like its wrong and im broken.
> 
> ...


Yes, it does.

It is clear that emotionally he is not attractive to you. What about physically?

He sounds pretty self centered based on the above quoted post.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Hi there, Have you tried counselling? individually or as a couple? I can relate I have felt the same way. Don't worry about the people who say you "Must be having an affair" for some people on this forum it is the "go to" reply. It seems impossible to some people that you could just be unhappy and not cheating. I could never cheat on someone I was living with married or not, it's just not in my vocabulary. But I WAS miserable and I did want out and I did want something more. Anyhow. I ask about counselling because I learned a lot in counselling, a lot about how I was actually NOT communicating, though I thought I was. Just FYI we did end up separating, but at least now I know it's because the relationship was not fixable .


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Relinquished said:


> I just don't know how or when to bring it up to him. I don't want to hurt him, and I sure don't want to hurt my kids but I have been dying on the inside and crying almost daily for about 2 years.
> 
> I'm more worried about the kids and am wondering if I can hold off long enough so his car is paid off first so he has a better financial situation.
> 
> Im sorry if im rambling, I have a lot I want to say but it gets so jumbled up there...


Holding off will just prolong your pain and will not help your kids or him. You are doing everyone a disservice if you stay at the cost of yourself. Either get help by seeking counselling or move on and separate. The kids will be fine if you're ok.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Keenwa said:


> Holding off will just prolong your pain and will not help your kids or him. You are doing everyone a disservice if you stay at the cost of yourself.
> 
> The kids will be fine if you're ok.


This is so true. 

Take a look at yourself and consider if the emotional attraction has gone for good what you need to do, it sounds like this has been building and a long time coming to the point of no return, and potentially will only build animosity which is not going to help anything or anyone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

Your situation does sound pretty bad. It's up to you if you want to leave or stay to try to work it out.

If you want to try to work it out, then there are things you can do. If he has really changed (grown up) and is now really working to meet your needs, then there is hope. Yes you can turn around all of the feeling you have, to include sexual attraction. It would take some work on the part of both of you. Individual and marriage counseling. And I would suggest that the two of you read and work through the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (links in my signature block below).

If you did this, I would suggest that you set some check points for about every 6 months. At the 6 month point you evaluate if things are getting significantly better. If they are and you want to, you stay. If they are not better, you leave. And do this every 6 months.

That's all if you feel up to it. If you do not, then get into individual counseling to help you get the strength to leave this relationship. 

.


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