# Ok here is my story.....not sure what to do



## Alb (Jan 10, 2013)

I have been married for 18 years. We have no children. About five years ago I discovered that my husband was spending thousands of dollars to visit strip clubs. Even had an online dating site profile. And when I say thousands of dollars the total was probably about $18,000. Even had a girl on the side Swore to me that no sex ever happened. So anyway after all that we both went through counseling. He admitted that he had a sex addiction And was addicted to strip clubs. I filed for divorce but then retracted back and we got back together. Since then I still am unable to trust him And constantly checking his phone and emails. Without his knowledge. So now our situation is he works all the time and he's rarely home. And when he is home he's constantly checking his work cell phone I feel alone most of the time. I have found no evidence since then that he is doing the same things he was doing before. My problem now is I just don't feel like I can trust him and I really don't feel like I'm in love with him anymore. We tried to start a new life But I just don't feel like this is working. Not sure what to do he says he loves me very much. I just don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stay and continue to work things out with him. And part of me dreams of another life. It's very confusing. And the bad thing about it is that he is still not repaid hid debt of $18,000. Meanwhile he wants to buy new things all the time. Every time we don't have enough money a month for things that we need all I think about is that stupid bill. Makes me so angry because I need a new car and I can't afford a new car payment because he has this credit card bill. We also need other things like new bedroom furniture but again I get so bitter because we can't afford it because of this bill. I think this is part of my problem it's like every time we need something or short as far as bills for the month I blame him because of this $18,000 credit card bill. I do love him but I think sometimes it's more like a friendship. We rarely have sex and he doesn't seem attracted to me at all. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere. It's been four years since all this happened and that credit card bills still around. He used to travel a lot for business that's how all these bills came about. He would visit the strip clubs while he was on business trips. He doesn't travel anymore for business.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Did he seek profession help for dealing with his addiction? If not, he will need to.

You need to separate the addiction and the bill he ran up in your mind. Holding that against him is holding you back from any progress. If you guys are having money problems write off his tab and start from scratch. 

Is he %100 transparent with you? He needs to be if he is serious about regaining your trust.

To improve your sex life _and your marriage_, you need to take the lead here. Figure out what rocks his boat and start doing it. Make yourself more appealing. Please don't give up without trying these things for a while. 

You guys have lasted more than double the average time for first divorce, so you must be doing something right. 18 years is a long time to just throw away without putting in some effort.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please have a look at the links in my signature, especially the one about sex addiction. Unless your husband is in professional counseling and/or a 12 step group, you have every right to not trust him. He is not in recovery, he is still acting out.

I also have some book recommendations for spouses of sex addicts at the end of the post about my story. 

What is he doing to prove to you that he's sober? Not what is he saying, but what is he DOING?

Have you both been tested for STD's?


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Is he seeking professional help for his addiction? Are you going to counseling by yourself or with him to work on forgiveness?

Until you realize that it was an addiction and move on from the money, this pain and hurt will continue to be there. 

Both of you need to be in counseling and he needs to get help for his problem. He also needs to be 100% transparent with you and that means that he tells you everything if it happens again and that you have a right to go through his phone, emails, ect if you feel like you need to.


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