# So confused...



## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

My SO and I have been married for 10 years. For the last year we have lived apart due to extenuating circumstances. We still see each other on the weekends although not every weekend because of the schedule I have with my kids. We had a 3 day weekend ALONE which is rare and I guess I had expectations. Let's just say the intimacy was way off. Lately, when we have been able to be together, it's like walking around in someone elses shoes. Ya know? Just not quite right. Well this weekend I was determined to step things up a bit and make up for some lost time. It was an abyssmal failure. I got into bed NEKKID! NEKKID! Which is something I never do so I didn't think an explanation was necessary. Apparently my husb didn't get it. W. T. H.? I didn't think NEKKID needed an explanation. I laid there for about an hour, waiting for him to aknowlegde my presence and nekkidness before he started falling asleep. I finally got disgusted and got up to put on a TShirt and shorts, much to his dismay. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He had been watching the NEWS. He claims he didn't know what my expectations were. In 10 years I did somehting pretty blatant and he didn't get it? Now before you start assuming I am married to Forrest Gump, he is in an intelligent man who is also quite flirtatious when it comes to other women. He knew darn good and well what was going on. Did he do this to hurt me? To make me feel ugly? 

Help me understand, please. Please. I don't get it it (pun intended):scratchhead:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

gadzooks said:


> My SO and I have been married for 10 years. For the last year we have lived apart due to extenuating circumstances. We still see each other on the weekends although not every weekend because of the schedule I have with my kids. We had a 3 day weekend ALONE which is rare and I guess I had expectations. Let's just say the intimacy was way off. Lately, when we have been able to be together, it's like walking around in someone elses shoes. Ya know? Just not quite right. Well this weekend I was determined to step things up a bit and make up for some lost time. It was an abyssmal failure. I got into bed NEKKID! NEKKID! Which is something I never do so I didn't think an explanation was necessary. Apparently my husb didn't get it. W. T. H.? I didn't think NEKKID needed an explanation. I laid there for about an hour, waiting for him to aknowlegde my presence and nekkidness before he started falling asleep. I finally got disgusted and got up to put on a TShirt and shorts, much to his dismay. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? He had been watching the NEWS. He claims he didn't know what my expectations were. In 10 years I did somehting pretty blatant and he didn't get it? Now before you start assuming I am married to Forrest Gump, he is in an intelligent man who is also quite flirtatious when it comes to other women. He knew darn good and well what was going on. Did he do this to hurt me? To make me feel ugly?
> 
> Help me understand, please. Please. I don't get it it (pun intended):scratchhead:


No he simply did not initiate for whatever reason, perhaps he wasn't horny or had gas think you are over thinking it.

If he does it a second time maybe be concerned and pull the sheets down so he can see your naked breasts


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> No he simply did not initiate for whatever reason, perhaps he wasn't horny or had gas think you are over thinking it.
> 
> If he does it a second time maybe be concerned and pull the sheets down so he can see your naked breasts


I appreciate your reply. Thank you. I would tend to agree and not post this type of thing if it hadn't been about 6 weeks since we had been alone, if you know what I mean.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

gadzooks said:


> He knew darn good and well what was going on. Did he do this to hurt me? To make me feel ugly?
> 
> Help me understand, please. Please. I don't get it it (pun intended):scratchhead:


I can't help you understand. Nor can anyone else here. We weren't in bed with you.

How about you go directly to the source and ask. Don't ask in a defensive, how-dare-you manner. Just ask him why he didn't make a move when you jumped in bed in your birthday suit.

Really.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Do you mean "naked"?

You used the term "nekkid" 4 times. Just wondering...

And there aren't enough details in your post for us to possibly know his motives. Maybe he's holding a grudge?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Did he _know_ you were naked? 

I mean did he really see you or touch you and know you were naked?

What time was it?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why didn't you reach out to him? Kiss him? Touch him? 

You two sound very disconnected. This was your first weekend alone together in 6 weeks...why was he even watching the news in the first place? What did you do earlier, before bed? Did you talk and flirt and kiss? Were you affectionate with each other?


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

Hum, so you are convinced that going to bed without clothes should have been a clear signal. He is intelligent so he should have figured it out.

Well, there various possibilities. He could have been just too tired, out of the mood, etc. Or he could have just missed the signal (and he might be kicking himself that he missed the opportunity).

Ask him if he noticed. Let him know you had expectations and were disappointed. And ask him if you have to be more forward to initiate after you two have been away for a while. Perhaps he just needs some time to relax with you before he feels comfortable being intimate.

Talk to him, find out what went wrong with your initiation.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Instead of quoting each question I'll just answer in one post. Yes I was naked. Using the term "nekkid" is just my sense of humor (trying to maintain one through a humiliating incident).

Since I stripped down to my birthday suit in front of him and he is not blind, he did see me. I mean I didn't pick up pom poms and play "strike up the band" or anything but I'm sure he saw me. 

Yes I attempted to get his attention. Getting into bed naked is very out of the ordinary for me, I assumed (so maybe this is all my problem) that the meaning was implied and the signal was clear. I would pick up on it if the situation were reversed.

We have not been fighting, if he is holding a grudge he has not expressed it to me. 

I did ask him about it before I made this post. He is a classic deflecter and is great at denial. I got a denial and silence.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

Why did you not cozy up next to him and make a more overt move, kiss him, fondle him, etc?

If he denied and deflected then you need to ask and be heard again. Something is going on obviously.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Devotee said:


> Why did you not cozy up next to him and make a more overt move, kiss him, fondle him, etc?
> 
> If he denied and deflected then you need to ask and be heard again. Something is going on obviously.


No one likes rejection. Putting myself out there like that was a big deal for me. Had I done more than what I already did and got the same result I think I would be devastated and maintaining my sense of humor (coping mechanism) would have been really difficult. 

The conversation is not over I just need to bring it up in a different way, maybe find a different way to frame the situation. I was really hurt yesterday. Maybe I just don't want to face the fact that maybe he's moving on. I don't know.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

every time my X got into bed nekkid she got what she came for

there is another possibility............. did he take a shower before bed and salute the captain?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Maybe if you would have gone down on him he would have picked up on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Next time get a wax and sit on his face. If he is doesn't get the hint, most likely he's dead and you should call the coroner.

Seriously, I have a few ideas why he did this. JMO so refrain from throwing rocks at me please.

1. He resents living apart from you.
2. He resents you in some way, or resents your children due to just them being there a lot.
3. He met someone close to where he lives.
4. He really was tired.
5. He jerked off recently.
6. He has ED and is ashamed.
7. He is disconnected and falling out of love with you due to the distance. (What led up to this distance is important.)
8 He is afraid of pregnancy.

Well,that's all I got, but to really know you should ASK HIM. Good luck!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Pom Poms may work very well. A thong can't hurt... Have any high school cheerleader outfits in the back of the closet?

Take take the initiative -- way more than usual. Have some fun with it (him). 

Fun aside, have some fun. Let him know you've missed him. He may not like the distance either. Give him some support. See what happens.

Also - you can take a peek at his phone. There is no secrecy in marriage. Privacy, sure - for the toilet. Secrecy? Never.

Have some fun, put some top spin in the relationship. See what happens.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Gad...i know exactly where your coming from.....the only difference being from a male perspective....i wish i had an answer for you, sometimes the answers are simple and other times more complicated. what is sad is that our nakedness, is an example of us putting ourselves out there in our rawest form, only to be rejected. To be cast aside as some not wanted, not desired...slowly chipping a way at our essence.


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

I feel puzzled and worried. Something is not right. Hopefully whatever it is can be fixed.

I suggest you give it another try to find out what went wrong that night. It is possible he has something he is embarrassed about. Let him know you were hurt. Don't accuse him, he could have a very good reason that he just feels uncomfortable telling you about. Perhaps the time away has made him even more uncomfortable about telling you about it. Let him know that you really want to know the reason.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How much do you talk and share during your time apart? Seems like you are developing separate lives.

While I think that normally when a couple is apart a lot that sex is high on the list when you can get together but it doesn't always happen like that. Our now separate lives so intrude with thoughts about work or maybe just feeling quiet or unwell...

But what you are describing is an emotional disconnect.

When will you resolve this living situation? Your marriage might not survive being apart. Other things and other people enter to fill the void. You stop sharing the mundane. How many phone calls can you discuss what you ate for dinner? If you are guarding yourself you have no news. Your life is on hold. You become bored and boring.

If you find things that fill the space it threatens the marriage if you are not careful. So you don't share those things, either.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

gadzooks said:


> He is a classic deflecter and is great at denial. I got a denial and silence.


So you got what he has to give.

Expectations. They'll bite us in the butt every single time.

You expected him to be aroused when you got naked.

He deflected and denied.

Now you're pi$$ed off, IMO, with the responses you have received here.

Maybe you aren't, but what I'm "hearing" is you wanted us to tell you your husband is an a$$ for not finding you desirable.

I don't know if he does or not.

But your expectations were crapped on and you want to get reinforcement that you are right to be angry.

Okay. You have a right to be angry.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sounds like you have deeper issues than lack of sex. How different was your sex life prior to the separation due to extenuating circumstances? Also, when will you two be living together again? If there is no end in sight for the separation, then he may be checking out. Also, consider the possibility of an affair.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Well, I found out that he's been trolling for women online. He's been hanging out in chat rooms, pretending to be single. I have not confronted him about it but it definitely answers some questions. 

Thank you all for your advice.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sounds like you have deeper issues than lack of sex. How different was your sex life prior to the separation due to extenuating circumstances? Also, when will you two be living together again? If there is no end in sight for the separation, then he may be checking out. Also, consider the possibility of an affair.


We decided to live seperately because my kids are finishing high school, their dad lived in the district and H and I lived outside the district. Their Dad took off out of state. My H has to live within a certain distance from his job so he decided to stay. We were looking at 4 years tops and it's not a huge distance. We aren't halfway across the state just a 45 minute drive. I've been making the drive up as often as possible. But after what I found out yesterday (see above) I don't know what I will do yet.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am glad you uncovered this.

He will lie and deny. You need to collect and protect your evidence.

Then he had better be prepared to live with some restrictions to freedom and what he will claim is privacy.

Treat it like cheating though he will not.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> So you got what he has to give.
> 
> Expectations. They'll bite us in the butt every single time.
> 
> ...


Not looking for an argument here but I don't think you read my OP with both eyes. Sure I was hurt and angry. I think that's a perfectly natural reaction to feeling rejected. I was not pissed off at the answers I received, just processing them before I responded. I was not looking for a mind reader to find out if he thinks I'm desirable or not, just maybe some insight and understanding. 

Thanks for your permission to be angry. That's what I was waiting for.


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## gadzooks (Sep 5, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> How much do you talk and share during your time apart? Seems like you are developing separate lives.
> 
> We usually talk several times a week and try to see each other on the weekend. I have two teens that play sports year round and a demanding full time job, that pretty much takes up most of my time.
> 
> ...


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## fightforher (Dec 4, 2013)

You have permission to get angry. And you have my sympathy, you try to re-connect and you get nothing. And then you find out he has been coping this way. Ouch. Sorry.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

*********! Sorry, but seriously! If I came naked to bed, my husband would be all over me like white on rice. And yes, I would feel rejected if he wasn't unless he gave me a clear reason. It's clear your husband is going to cheat soon if he already hasn't. I would start collecting more evidence and keep a close eye on him.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

I think it was a bad move for you guys to decide to live apart even if it was only for 4 years. 45 minutes is a long distance for a married couple to be a part.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

well I think she's pretty clear that living apart hasn't been good for the marriage.

I'm curious why since you have a refutable evidence why you aren't confronting him pronto. this is something that you need to nip in the bud. no I suppose you could be seriously considering ending the relationship. 

it's weird. I dont get anger out of your posts. Are you more relieved than upset? are you leaning toward wanting out?


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