# I guess I just move on?



## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

Hello all,

My WW and I have been married for just under 4 years, been together for 6, no kids, late 20s. Then about 6 weeks ago, she had a 'catch-up' with her an ex-bf and they kissed or something and my WW became 'confused'. 

We had a rough week where she didn't know what she was going to do, but at the end of the week, she decided that she didn't want to stay with me. However, she came back later that _DAY_ and said she made a mistake and would never leave me and that we're soul mates and that she would never talk to OM again.

For the next little bit we were trying to make it work, but she started texting him again and wanting to be left alone more (which has never been the case, we could and would actually spend 24/7 together without getting on each others nerves). I confronted her about it and she said he was just texting to apologize and to talk about how stupid they were. Suuuuuure.... . It kept going on after I talked to her about it, so I confronted her again after a couple of days and said that she wasn't putting the effort in the save the marriage, and that if she couldn't stop contacting him that I wasn't going to be there anymore. We talked all night, and even though our marriage was doing well before OM showed up, according to her, we had started drifting apart... :scratchhead: . She was very remorseful and it was a cry-fest, but I decided I couldn't stay there.

So now we're separated. After about a week or so, I told her that if she wanted to R, I was sure we could get some help and work through this. She said thanks, but this is what she wants. That kind of hit me in the face for some reason. Since this is what she wanted, I decided to give her all the responsibilities of freedom: I put all of the bills in her name, moved out all of my things, I don't talk to her except for practical things, and she now has to take care of our 3 dogs full-time.

We've been separated for about a month, and she called me 2 weeks ago and told me that she misses me, to which I replied with "Okay." I've had to go back to our house a couple times to grab some things I forgot, and I kept seeing little bits of evidence of OM. It looks as though she just did the old switcheroo and is moving forward with him.

I know statistically her affair won't last, but I don't want to rest my expectations on that assumption. I can't change anything about that past, but what do I do now? I guess I just move on and work on myself? Any advice?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Post the OM up on cheaterville.com for starters.

Do you own the home or are on the lease?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Affairs are the sole responsibility of the wayward spouse. 
However both spouses are responsible for the state of the marriage.


LeopardNerf said:


> We talked all night, and even though our marriage was doing well before OM showed up, according to her, we had started drifting apart... :scratchhead: . She was very remorseful and it was a cry-fest, but I decided I couldn't stay there.


So she tells you that she felt that the two of you had drifted apart. And your response is to blow off her feeling/thoughts. While the marriage might have been going well for you, it was not apparently going well for her. A person who is truly happy in a marriage will not have an affair. 



LeopardNerf said:


> I know statistically her affair won't last, but I don't want to rest my expectations on that assumption. I can't change anything about that past, but what do I do now? I guess I just move on and work on myself? Any advice?


If you are inclined to want to try to save your marriage, get the book “Surviving an Affair”. It has some pretty good advice on this.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Have you filed for divorce yet?

If not, do so immediately.

Send a clear message you ARE NOT a backup plan for her in case POS proves to ONCE AGAIN not be her ideal mate.

I mean, gheesh, she already knew what this pile of filth was all about and still went back.

How does she think this POS has improved in the years since they have split?

H**l, he's now added cheating with married women to his repertoire.

If she's so blind, kick her to the curb ASAP.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is cheating on you. Get the divorce started now and do not be her backup plan.


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Post the OM up on cheaterville.com for starters.
> 
> Do you own the home or are on the lease?


We own the home. WW said she would buy out my portion of the equity if it came to that.




EleGirl said:


> Affairs are the sole responsibility of the wayward spouse.
> However both spouses are responsible for the state of the marriage.
> 
> So she tells you that she felt that the two of you had drifted apart. And your response is to blow off her feeling/thoughts. While the marriage might have been going well for you, it was not apparently going well for her. A person who is truly happy in a marriage will not have an affair.
> ...


I agree. We had a collaborative discussion on the state of our marriage while we were trying to work things out, and we had both identified that the only problem we could see was a decline in our sexual frequency. I can definitely take at least half the blame for that. It was between that discussion and our final discussion that she had decided we weren't emotionally attached anymore and that maybe we were too young when we married. I can see how in those last weeks she was definitely detached, but if you asked us or anybody who knew us a month before that, I don't think anybody would say that they saw this coming.

I will check out that book. Thanks!


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Have you filed for divorce yet?
> 
> If not, do so immediately.
> 
> ...


I'm in Canada, so we have to be separated for 1 year before a divorce can get started.

You don't even know how much of a POS this POSOM is: he lives with his parents, he doesn't have a job, and within 2 weeks of me leaving, she was co-signing a loan for him! 

We wrote out a separation agreement and I made sure there was something about any debt incurred after separation is that spouse's responsibility.


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Post the OM up on cheaterville.com for starters.
> 
> Do you own the home or are on the lease?


We own the house, but she said she would buy me out of the equity if it came to that.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LeopardNerf said:


> I'm in Canada, so we have to be separated for 1 year before a divorce can get started.
> 
> You don't even know how much of a POS this POSOM is: he lives with his parents, he doesn't have a job, and within 2 weeks of me leaving, she was co-signing a loan for him!
> 
> We wrote out a separation agreement and I made sure there was something about any debt incurred after separation is that spouse's responsibility.


Boy is she a fool imo sorry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has that separation agreement been filed with a court?

You might want to talk to an attorney about this to make sure you are covered. Co-signing for him is just irresponsible.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Expose to her parents and other family members and tell them she cosigned a loan for a jobless guy WTF!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

LeopardNerf said:


> Hello all,
> 
> My WW and I have been married for just under 4 years, been together for 6, no kids, late 20s. Then about 6 weeks ago, she had a 'catch-up' with her an ex-bf and they kissed or something and my WW became 'confused'.
> 
> ...


LeopardNerf,
I think you've been playing "easy to get". That's the 100% opposite thing needed to show you have worth and value and to show she's losing something and that she's screwwed up. You might as well be saying "I'll be your plan B". This nice guy thing where you allow her to be the victim instead of holding her accountable is the enemy of you being desirable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Expose to her parents and other family members and tell them she cosigned a loan for a jobless guy WTF!


I agree with his, you do need to expose the affair to her family... along with the knowledge that about the co-signing. Ask them if they will support you in helping you save your marriage.


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Has that separation agreement been filed with a court?
> 
> You might want to talk to an attorney about this to make sure you are covered. Co-signing for him is just irresponsible.


The agreement hasn't been signed just yet, but I'm definitely going to get it legally looked over.



tom67 said:


> Expose to her parents and other family members and tell them she cosigned a loan for a jobless guy WTF!


Her parents and siblings know everything, and all her siblings are on my side and think she's being an irresponsible little brat. My family also know as well as our close friends. 

I'm having a meeting with her dad in the next day or two for business things and will let him know about the co-sign. He's a businessman and I can already see the disappointment in his face.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LeopardNerf said:


> The agreement hasn't been signed just yet, but I'm definitely going to get it legally looked over.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well you are doing all the right things under the circumstances only thing I would suggest is totally go cold on her now.


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> LeopardNerf,
> I think you've been playing "easy to get". That's the 100% opposite thing needed to show you have worth and value and to show she's losing something and that she's screwwed up. You might as well be saying "I'll be your plan B". This nice guy thing where you allow her to be the victim instead of holding her accountable is the enemy of you being desirable.


Which part was "easy to get"? 

I agree about that when I told her that we could still go for R - that was a bit desperate, but I thought leaving her with all the financial responsibility + NC was kind of standing up for myself?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My advise is to live life well and move on and find some that can bring out the best in you.

Its clear that your chick is looking for someone to bring out the worst in her and its best to get as far away as possible.

Go get a divorce...who knows you guys might get back together latter on...it appears your chick is into recycling.

Seriously go find a women that appreciates a hard working guy!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I also suggest the next time you see her you smile laugh and wish her the best.

As far as the FIL meeting ....again be positive and when he apoligizes for his daughter, inform him that you will get thru this and it all good " its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back that matters"

Also inform FIL that it should be you apoligizing to him ...he is her daughter and has to deal with her now that she has left her husband..."sorry she is your problem now".... " I can move on and find someone else, she will always be his daughter"...

Man I feel bad for the poor guy, I'm sure he did his best to raise her and now heer she is ...late twenties and counting on daddy again.

Becareful bro...blood is thicker then water so keep your cards close and don't get sucked into telling your FIL your game plan.


For now fake it until you make it, as far as everyone is concerned you will be fine and the pity all belongs to your old lady, cuz your sh1t is tight and *know for a fact* you will be just fine if not better!!! Right?


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

Thanks guy! That's all hilarious and so true!

I WILL be fine and thanks to everyone for all the support. I will check in with any updates that I have.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

LeopardNerf said:


> Which part was "easy to get"?
> 
> I agree about that when I told her that we could still go for R - that was a bit desperate, but I thought leaving her with all the financial responsibility + NC was kind of standing up for myself?


You pointed out the primary indicator I picked up on in your post. The problem is how people (her) think the grass is greener elsewhere. In her mind, you're what she's currently settling for which is probably very wrong but it's still what her emotions are telling her to justify what she wants. You have to blow that notion out of the water by placing worth on yourself and making the truth that she's screwwed up and that she's about to lose you become reality. Thing is that she will only question how much value or lack of value she's given to you as a person and a person to be with if you make her see you differently by defending your own honor IMO.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"You pointed out the primary indicator I picked up on in your post. The problem is how people (her) think the grass is greener elsewhere."

Thundarr,

This is what is most perplexing and ridiculous about OP's WW's behavior.

She ALREADY knew what this POS was like!

He's an ex. In my view of life, people have the prefix of ex FOR A REASON.

What could this foolish woman have seen as far as improvements in this scumbag since they split?

OP says he's still a jobless loser living with his parents.

And now he's demonstrated the additional awesome character trait that he's willing to cheat with married women. 

Wow...what a catch.

OP's WW is either completely stupid or insane.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> "You pointed out the primary indicator I picked up on in your post. The problem is how people (her) think the grass is greener elsewhere."
> 
> Thundarr,
> 
> ...


Maybe there's nothing to see in reality but the excitement and rush of endophins makes her see a mirage. You're right that there's nothing logically or smart about it. If things don't work out with the ex, she thinks LeopardNerf will be waiting to take her back. Not only that, she thinks she'll be doing him a big favor by coming back.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

LeopardNerf said:


> We wrote out a separation agreement and I made sure there was something about any debt incurred after separation is that spouse's responsibility.


Do you have any existing joint credit? Make sure you have your bases covered with those lenders. If I recall correctly from my divorce, your separation and divorce agreements give you the right to pursue each other legally, but until you have dealt with the lenders to close any joint credit (and some joint credit could require only requiring one person's signature) you are both liable to the lender.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sang-froid said:


> Do you have any existing joint credit? Make sure you have your bases covered with those lenders. If I recall correctly from my divorce, your separation and divorce agreements give you the right to pursue each other legally, but until you have dealt with the lenders to close any joint credit (and some joint credit could require only requiring one person's signature) you are both liable to the lender.


Good point.:iagree:


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP. 

Do you know if it has gone physical yet? 

uhm. You have our support. Not sure much help you need.

Damn impressive sir!

You get two thumbs up but I really dont have much advice. You did well grasshopper.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> OP.
> 
> Do you know if it has gone physical yet?
> 
> ...


Yes he has and she is really going to regret this down the road.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

LeopardNerf said:


> We own the home. WW said she would buy out my portion of the equity if it came to that.
> ...


Put the house up for sale, or have her pay you. 

I'm in Canada too. If she is already loaning this guy money, you should seriously split assets now. There is no need to wait...you split all assets now and wait out the year for filing for divorce (which involves you going to court house, filing out forms for 10 minutes, and then waiting 2 weeks for processing to finish).

If it's over anyways, you can change the separation date to anything you want (if you both agree) to speed up the process. I mean, she threw you away for old-boy-toy so quickly, how could you ever take her back and be her plan B?

I'm sorry this happened to you. You'll find much better, I promise you.


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

sang-froid said:


> Do you have any existing joint credit? Make sure you have your bases covered with those lenders. If I recall correctly from my divorce, your separation and divorce agreements give you the right to pursue each other legally, but until you have dealt with the lenders to close any joint credit (and some joint credit could require only requiring one person's signature) you are both liable to the lender.


No joint credit. The only debt we had together was the mortgage.



weightlifter said:


> OP.
> 
> Do you know if it has gone physical yet?
> 
> ...


It most certainty has become physical. 100%. Gross.

I've received all the support/advice that I needed! I just wanted to make sure I was on the right track, and it seems like I am.



tulsy said:


> Put the house up for sale, or have her pay you.
> 
> I'm in Canada too. If she is already loaning this guy money, you should seriously split assets now. There is no need to wait...you split all assets now and wait out the year for filing for divorce (which involves you going to court house, filing out forms for 10 minutes, and then waiting 2 weeks for processing to finish).
> 
> ...


All the assets are split in the separation agreement, and she already has a cheque (Americans: that's Canadian for 'check'  ) for me to settle the equity. I'm going to pick that up ASAP!

Thanks!


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## baseballplayer (Aug 19, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Affairs are the sole responsibility of the wayward spouse. However both spouses are responsible for the state of the marriage.
> So she tells you that she felt that the two of you had drifted apart. And your response is to blow off her feeling/thoughts. While the marriage might have been going well for you, it was not apparently going well for her. A person who is truly happy in a marriage will not have an affair.


Didn't like this being said to you Leopart. Cheaters rewrite history in there heads so they start to think things werent great even if they were.Your M may of been going super well for her too till she started excusing her cheating by telling herself it wasnt. A Person CAN be truly happy in a M, but still have an A, to make themself happy about THEMSELF. So I just wanna say *don*t let her give you any blame.

About your sitch, I think your doing everything rite except I would of made the cheater leave my house instead of leaving it to her and her POS OM. Too late now tho,just get ur money off her b4 she gives it all to POS.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll take a shot at what's going on in op's wife's head. She's romanticized her relationship with ex to the point that they are soulmates and he was her one true love. This part is easy because she hasn't had to deal with the drudgery of everyday life with him. She knows he lives with his parents and has no job but in her fairyland that's because he's been so lost without her that he couldn't put himself together, but now that his soulmate is there for him he'll rise up, because their love is Soooooooo special. We all see that he's a loser and will stay a loser but she doesn't. Nobody can compete with this; as for this guy he's getting free sex and a stupid b&tch that gives him money. What's not to like for him? OP, you can do much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

baseballplayer said:


> Didn't like this being said to you Leopart. Cheaters rewrite history in there heads so they start to think things werent great even if they were.Your M may of been going super well for her too till she started excusing her cheating by telling herself it wasnt. A Person CANbe truly happy in M, but have an A to make themself happy about THEMSELF. So I just wanna say *don*t let her give you any blame.
> 
> About your sitch, I think your doing everything rite except I would of made the cheater leave my house instead of leaving it to her and her POS OM. Too late now tho,just get ur money off her b4 she gives it all to POS.


Thanks. I would have sworn that she was happy.

In hindsight, I definitely would have stayed in the house. I think having to have an affair in one of their parents' house would have been a good dose of reality :rofl:.


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## LeopardNerf (Sep 17, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'll take a shot at what's going on in op's wife's head. She's romanticized her relationship with ex to the point that they are soulmates and he was her one true love. This part is easy because she hasn't had to deal with the drudgery of everyday life with him. She knows he lives with his parents and has no job but in her fairyland that's because he's been so lost without her that he couldn't put himself together, but now that his soulmate is there for him he'll rise up, because their love is Soooooooo special. We all see that he's a loser and will stay a loser but she doesn't. Nobody can compete with this; as for this guy he's getting free sex and a stupid b&tch that gives him money. What's not to like for him? OP, you can do much better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, he's got it pretty good. He was one of her high school crushes, so this is like ultimate fantasy world for her. I absolutely cannot compete with her new 'ideal' life that will ultimately crumble. In the meantime, I'm off to find someone better.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

LeopardNerf said:


> Thanks. I would have sworn that she was happy.
> 
> In hindsight, I definitely would have stayed in the house. *I think having to have an affair in one of their parents' house would have been a good dose of reality :rofl:.*


Yea that's nuts isn't it. You could never understand how she thinks and couldn't have respect for her.


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