# My wife has 3 affairs over 6 years, How could i be so stupid



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

My wife of 30 years has had 3 affairs over the past 6 years, 1 boss, 2 old boy friends. She says she still loves me and that they meant nothing. She says she felt trapped in a hole and could not get out because she knew I would leave her if i knew about it. 6 months have gone by. We are in counseling and she wants to make it right. I still love her and she loves me. We are getting better and I still love her. I still have trust issues. Has she told me the truth or is she still hiding details that she has told me. My counselor tells me to focus on now and future and quit reliving that past. I hate the past but still feel hurt sometimes. Anger is gone. Trust is still and issue. I am happy with her and she says she is happy to finally be past the lies and deceit. Does it really matter if she slept with this guy 2 or 5 times. My rational side says no. My hurts says tell me the truth. My counselor says time is the only answer. I keep pressuring her on the truth. I guess I will never know. I still hurts.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

It will hurt for a long time. But if there is love there and if she is working hard to repair and make you feel loved, bathe in that. You would know if there was not enough love left to leave. The past will haunt you. Be prepared for those moments and try to work out a plan.
I asked my H to help me by every time I bring something related up that hurts me, to just tell me he's sorry and that he loves me. Every time. He doesn't always deliver that message the way I need him to, but its there. 
Don't give up on the love that you know is there. 
I'm so sorry you have to experience that pain. Good luck


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## BetrayedChris (Nov 24, 2009)

The counselor also tells us that the past is the past, but thats much easier said than done.


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## Banff (Feb 8, 2010)

You and I are in the nearly same situation. I feel exactly the same. My counselor says exactly the same. Its been three months for me. The hurt is real... The doubts are real... And I dont know how to get past the trust issue as well... I want to build a future -- but I want to know that it is a future that is stable and reliable. For me I am past the anger and want to move on -- but I want to know that I can trust again. Sorry I don't offer advice, but just know your not alone and the feelings you have are natural. Maybe the counselors are right -- maybe it just takes time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The past should not be forgotten, if you have not achieved clarity. 

Has she taken a polygraph yet? I wouldn't be moving forward without it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

More... I feel she has changed. We have changed our behavior a lot since finding out. She is so much more at peace. No more sleeping pill and stressed out anxiety. She broke off her affair immediately. The guilt and shame have taken a toll. I would not commit to her for a few months. One condition I would not relent on was truth and openness. My family and hers needed to know what she did and just how bad it had gotten. NO MORE SHADOWS. She had blamed me to others about how I was no longer caring to hide the shame. If she still loved me then truth need to be exposed. I sat her down with her mom and dad and had her clear the deck. Painful, a little weird but no more secrets. In addition, I have personally contacted the OM and spouses and let them know the truth. Nobody get a free ride in this mess. Some may think that is vengeful, perhaps, but affairs only exist in deceit. I don't think she could realize the magnitude and reach of actions until the truth was known by all effected. I told her from day one; the only way I will commit is through truth. After 6 months I believe she will be faithful, her counselor told me the same.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you have done is AWESOME! Perfect!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Nobody get a free ride in this mess. Some may think that is vengeful, perhaps, but affairs only exist in deceit. I don't think she could realize the magnitude and reach of actions until the truth was known by all effected. I told her from day one; the only way I will commit is through truth. After 6 months I believe she will be faithful, her counselor told me the same.


What have you done to ensure that the situations in which an affair became tempting to your wife no longer exist?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

IFirst, I have forgiven her completely. We both are living very intentionally for each other now. We found out very early that we both really did love each other. I was determined to not let PRIDE be my ruler.

We get up together and go to bed together. Regardless of issues, feelings, concerns we sleep in the same bed every night. No secrets anymore. No more FACE BOOK, we have open email, we talk, walk, and eat together. Over the past 9 months we have got to know each other again. Most important, we both give each other respect and the Attention that was missing for so many years. She has told me so many times that she just wanted to feel wanted by me. Our counselor told us that we have re-prioritized life.

All this being said… I am no longer asleep to dangers that lurk. I am very aware of the symptoms that lead to affairs. I stand vigilant.


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## miller351 (Mar 20, 2011)

This is a little bit of an old thread but I am in a similiar situation as some of you.
My background:
My wife and I have been married for 8 years, have a total of 4 kids together. I am military, she had her first affair while I was in Korea, 2nd affair last Feb and most recent affair lasted about 2 months (which ended about 2 weeks ago). This last affair she claims to be in love with this guy, said her and him really connected and still to this day only shows real emotion for him. According to her he gave her everything she has been longing for in our marriage. Right now she is not sure if she wants to stay married with me because she thinks there is too much damange to overcome and she does not see a future with us after the kids are gone.

All are understandable concerns. Based off what she has already told me I can and are willing to be the person she wants and I can be comfortable in that. She is just not willing, right now, to give us a chance. I know that she may just need time and I am trying each day to give her that but my problem is that each day she is indecisive about what she will do she is hurting the kids negitavely short term and long term. Both our older kids have already been through 1 divorce and that was not pretty then. 

I know that only herself and god can change how she feels. Her lack of respect for me and the family is very disheartning to me. 

We have been seeing a counselor. I have also been seeing another counselor as well. Basically between reading online, all priests and counselors, they all recommend that we owe it to ourselves and the kids to try in this and not run away from our problems but she, in her own way, refuses. 

I am tired of being run over and I just hope that my turn will come soon. She has been getting what she wants over and over through today. Perhaps I will get what I want soon, I deserve to be loved too. I am the one, still, trying to keep everyone together. 

This other guy is now no longer in the picture. 

I just don't understand why she won't give us a chance and if for no one else, for the kids. Which is another reason why I am sick to my stomach because she says she is doing these things in the best interest for the kids. I know that a good divorce may be better for the kids as apposed to a bad marriage but for myself, I have to at least try and work on things because when it is all said and done, I do not want any regrets.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Your counsellor is dead wrong. With infidelity, the stats show that couples that go through details to the degree that the betrayed spouse wants to know them - how many times, where, positions, etc - have a better shot at reconciliation.

Counsellors are generally sh*t at dealing with affairs and greatly favour the offending spouse over the needs of the betrayed spouse. 

Survivinginfidelity.com is an excellent resource for what is needed to heal:

Transparency
Full Disclosure
Ongoing ammends
Willingness of offending spouse to offer support, insight, and details
Time

Your counsellor is shmuck.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Banff said:


> You and I are in the nearly same situation. I feel exactly the same. My counselor says exactly the same. Its been three months for me. The hurt is real... The doubts are real... And I dont know how to get past the trust issue as well... I want to build a future -- but I want to know that it is a future that is stable and reliable. For me I am past the anger and want to move on -- but I want to know that I can trust again. Sorry I don't offer advice, but just know your not alone and the feelings you have are natural. Maybe the counselors are right -- maybe it just takes time.


Counselors that tell you just to "move on " haven't been cheated on most likely. I asked, and was told everything. I needed to, and I had a right to know. My counselor told me that I can't really forgive unless I know what it is I am forgiving. I believe that having my questions answered has helped me heal and move on. Another aspect of this process of revelation has been that my H, now clearly understands how he got into his A and how to avoid it in the future, and having to reveal the details of the A has stripped it of any mythology and romanticism that might have been allowed to remain. He is now acutely aware of how much pain his A has caused me, and is therefore less likely to repeat his mistake .Seeing him arrive at this realization through revelation, has helped me to believe him when he says that he never stopped loving me.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

RWB said:


> More... I feel she has changed. We have changed our behavior a lot since finding out. She is so much more at peace. No more sleeping pill and stressed out anxiety. She broke off her affair immediately. The guilt and shame have taken a toll. I would not commit to her for a few months. One condition I would not relent on was truth and openness. My family and hers needed to know what she did and just how bad it had gotten. NO MORE SHADOWS. She had blamed me to others about how I was no longer caring to hide the shame. If she still loved me then truth need to be exposed. I sat her down with her mom and dad and had her clear the deck. Painful, a little weird but no more secrets. In addition, I have personally contacted the OM and spouses and let them know the truth. Nobody get a free ride in this mess. Some may think that is vengeful, perhaps, but affairs only exist in deceit. I don't think she could realize the magnitude and reach of actions until the truth was known by all effected. I told her from day one; the only way I will commit is through truth. After 6 months I believe she will be faithful, her counselor told me the same.


Dear RWB,


I seek advise from you. My case is bit different.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/27428-how-get-truth.html 

I am not able to confront. Nor can I keep quiet. PIs are not dependable in my place. Atleast I am not sure.

I am unable to move forward or backward or sideways.

AngryandUsed


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

may I ask why she had so many affairs in so little time, I mean what was her excuse, why she entered in this destructive behaviour?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Zombie thread. However, RWB. Is still here helping others.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do zombie threads often come to life?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I often wonder about these counselors. My cousin went to one when his wife cheated on him and the MC told him that it's best to move on. My cousin asked the MC, if he knew what it was like to have to drag his naked wife out of a car behind a super market and having her screaming that she's sorry and it just happened. 

Of course the MC stated that he was not married. That's when my cousin walked out and filed. Told the wife to go back with her "trunk buddy". 

You got some patience there my friend with a wife who cheated three times and said they meant nothing to her. I do hope that you can salvage the marriage but if it was me, I would sleep with one eye open


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Some supermarkets have enormous parking lots.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Zombies, oops.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I know this is old but did his wife have a 4th affair? And did he find out about the affairs one after the other or all at once?


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

no consequences …
ask her about his penis!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

hey all, maybe i am a zombie, who knows. been a little over 4 years since dd. at dd, i caught my wife in pa with old BF from college. over the next week, she admitt to my years of suspcions that she had been cheating with other men for the past 6+ years. years of ic and mc, still married, still working to R, it just changes you and what you can believe. Advice.... trust you instincts, stay quiet and observe, and never, never confront without hard damning proof.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your wife is an adult and a woman.

She had many affairs cheating on you.

She would of continued to do so, until you caught her.

Forgiving her is fantastic but if I were you, I could never really trust her again. No way.

Being a woman, she should of communicated her needs to you way back, emotional and physical, and eliminated the temptation to cheat those many times.

Don't be a doormat and take her back again and again.

If she never does this ever again, great. But if again, kick her to the curb already.

Many women out there who have high sex drives and are faithful, instead of having numerous affairs and getting away with it. No consequences for her........


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> Your wife is an adult and a woman.
> 
> She had many affairs cheating on you.
> 
> ...


It takes a certain degree of forgiveness. 

Even thou I was beating my wife alot shorter then she was phucking around, there are some emotional and physical bruises that my never go away.

So with that said my bruises that I have to live with are more then any consequences that my wife could do to me.

Granted that her adultery was some heavy crap and it was tough as hell ...I never though growing up that I would be a wife beater.

I just can't see my self ever going back to that dark place.

I ain't going to speak for Mrs. the guy she has her own crap to carry around and thats all on her.

But after all these years *we* have built some trust back in this relationship...boo happens...its what we do to fix it that counts and the reward we get from forgiveness and forgiving!


What sucks is the majority get phucked over again when a wayward or even a wife beater is given a huge gift such as forgiveness.


I guess thats the risk me, Mrs.the-guy , JWB, an a few others take.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> She would of continued to do so, until you caught her.
> 
> Forgiving her is fantastic but if I were you, I could never really trust her again. No way.
> 
> ...


Cuddle,

After years of retrospect... you are very correct in your assessment. She would of never stopped until caught. Hell... it went on for 6+ years in serial affairs. She said in MC it was like an addiction. As long as no one knew the truth... who was hurt, beside her.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What makes you think she has stopped?

Why would you remain with a woman who has put your health at great risk for STD's during the past 6 years?

Her actions showed she has had absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

If the roles were reversed would your wife be so accepting as you have been?


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

RWB said:


> My wife of 30 years has had 3 affairs over the past 6 years, 1 boss, 2 old boy friends. She says she still loves me and that they meant nothing. She says she felt trapped in a hole and could not get out because she knew I would leave her if i knew about it. 6 months have gone by. We are in counseling and she wants to make it right. I still love her and she loves me. We are getting better and I still love her. I still have trust issues. Has she told me the truth or is she still hiding details that she has told me. My counselor tells me to focus on now and future and quit reliving that past. I hate the past but still feel hurt sometimes. Anger is gone. Trust is still and issue. I am happy with her and she says she is happy to finally be past the lies and deceit. Does it really matter if she slept with this guy 2 or 5 times. My rational side says no. My hurts says tell me the truth. My counselor says time is the only answer. I keep pressuring her on the truth. I guess I will never know. I still hurts.


Tell your counselor to go a **** himself. When he sends the bill, tell him to stop living in the past. See how he likes getting ****ed and if he ever cares about not getting paid. Are 12 plus years of being married not worth having either because they are in the past? That is what I said when he told me the living in the past bull****.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

"accepting" is the wrong word!

If the roles were reversed would your wife be so "forgiving" as you have been?

Who in the hell " is accepting" when it comes to infidelity?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

RWB said:


> Cuddle,
> 
> Hell... it went on for 6+ years in serial affairs..


Only 6+....well 13+ years is no picinick either!

Good for you RWB for having a FWW that wants to work on the R


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RWB. I am curious if your wife ever got to the bottom of her vile behavior. 
You sound like you have a good grip on things, but I am always interested in what is uncovered about a w's nature, why, how, etc. 
Do you have satisfactory answers to her crazy behavior?

I am most dumbfounded by w's that cry about losing their BS.

Really? Letting POSOM bang the hell out of you and your H decides the marriage is over? It seems like some form of insanity but I really appreciate input.

Especially from a w's that has fundamentally become a better person.
Thanks for your take on things.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Well, I think it's crap she did all that for six years. Not fair man at all. Would she stay, if you did all that. Just selfish behavior, It was like an addiction. The h*ll with you , I should be your addiction, The bigger question is why?, why would you do that to us and our family? I'm not in your shoes, so it's a little easier here to say this, but know less difficult. I feel for you man, this will not be easy.She has done you wrong, flat out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe she is the sort of wayward who ought to come to TAM and explain. If she started a thread it would have to be with cavet, no abuse.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Do you have satisfactory answers to her crazy behavior?


There is no satisfactory answer. Mine just "wanted to feel wanted". Well yeah you dumb b!tch if you let a guy have sex with you of course they'll give you attention. Try not being a slvt and see how long they care. 




ConanHub said:


> I am most dumbfounded by w's that cry about losing their BS.


Me too. As far as I can tell, it's not because they are losing their BS. They cry because they got caught and their losing their stability. The BS provided stability but was nothing else to them.




ConanHub said:


> Really? Letting POSOM bang the hell out of you and your H decides the marriage is over? It seems like some form of insanity but I really appreciate input.


It's pure selfishness in it's worst form. What's insane is how they all think they're James Bond and will never get caught. How they sleep at night being such a disgusting person is beyond me.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

I have a question you ever hard of cuckold because that what shes doing to you


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

The past is in the past??

Punch the counselor in the face, then call them the next day and say "hey broheim, the past is in the past"

ridiculous crap!! The counselor has an agenda, they all do...a MC its about making the marriage work, NOT necessarily about helping the BS to heal...for that you need IC


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

missthelove2013 said:


> The past is in the past??
> 
> Punch the counselor in the face, then call them the next day and say "hey broheim, the past is in the past"
> 
> ridiculous crap!! The counselor has an agenda, they all do...*a MC its about making the marriage work, NOT necessarily about helping the BS to heal...for that you need IC*



I thought with MCs, they win either way. If the marriage breaks down, they can say that they helped the couple to see that they weren't right for each other.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

missthelove2013 said:


> The past is in the past??
> 
> Punch the counselor in the face, then call them the next day and say "hey broheim, the past is in the past"
> 
> ridiculous crap!! The counselor has an agenda, they all do...a MC its about making the marriage work, NOT necessarily about helping the BS to heal...for that you need IC


Good point.

Guess I can't blame them, though.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

I've comeback to this thread to see if anything has changed for you RWB. I wanted to comment on the counselor, what planet is he/she from. My dad was a marital counselor for years and my mom worked for and a big psychiatrist firm, (ran the office and has a Masters) that housed psychologists as well. I can tell you with extreme certainty the past predicts the future and the future predicts your life in the long run. Got that from years of listening at the dinner table. Put it to good use in my lawdog career. But what gets me is the the years of effort and choice that was put into the affairs. I mean five plus years and with different guys. This is some bizarre behavior. For me all it takes is one guy and one kiss, that's all you get. You have created doubt for me. That was another key issue, from the dinner table, doubt. Obviously what I'm saying is grain of salt action, but I think has merit here. I don't want to see, or better yet hear of you pain and her falling down again. Where does it end. I am glad that you have decided to "R", but you have way more a forgiving nature than I. I hope my ramble does not display disrespect, but regard for your mental well being.


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