# Confused Should I just end it??



## Crushed&Confused (Mar 18, 2011)

Hello, I am new and in need of some advice. I have been with my fiance for approx 3 years now, we just had a baby 2 months ago.
During my pregnancy we NEVER had sex, he said he was afraid of hurting the baby. I bought him magazines, and books that explained it was normal and safe to do so, showed him online forums and even brought him with me to a prenatel appointment were the dr. told him it was perfectly normal and he would cause no harm. He still wouldn't, he attempted a couple of times and couldn't even get an erection. Out of desperation I took him to a sex toy shop and told him to get whatever he wanted that might help him he walked around like everything was foreign and didn't really show interest in anything. I even asked him to pick out some dvds and he again showed no interest. I ended up picking out a few things myself and went home and tried everything to turn him on and half way threw he lost his erection. Now 2 months later and the dr. gave us the ok to have sex 3 weeks ago, he still can't get an erection I'am so lonely and crave passion I love to be intimate and feel like im of no interest to him. 

Then one afternoon since im not working I received the mail and in it was our cable bill, $328!!! I then discovered he has been purchasing porno for the past year at times he is renting them daily at $15 bucks a pop!!! I was crushed and feel like I deserve better. I don't think there is anything wrong with a couple watching porno or for a person to watch it every now and then to get off but daily? And at diffrent times of the day? and not satisfying me? I almost consider that cheating!! I have been masturbating for 9 months (excuse my bluntness) waiting for him to be intimate with me after my pregnancy cause he can't get an erection and now after baby still no intimacy, I have to beg him and he always says he is to tired or he will try and not get hard. I'm done at this point and after finding out about his porno addiction I'm crushed.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Here's my take... He's now got performance anxiety on top of whatever issues he had before, in terms of sex during/after pregnancy. So he's resorting to porn to get off. It's NOT cheating, even if it is doing really nasty things to your relationship. Same as drinking isn't cheating, even if it destroys relationships and sex lives. 

There's no reason why you can't work through this, but it may take some work. Someone recently posted a link in here to performance anxiety, and dealing with it. Maybe take a look through the postings for the last week, if you can.

How was your sex life before the baby?

In the meantime, tell him there's tons of free porn on the Internet. No sense buying it at $15/pop! 

C


----------



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i have heard where guys get freaked out after their kid is born and view their wife's genitals in a whole different way. 

i think some professional help is in order here.


----------



## Crushed&Confused (Mar 18, 2011)

to pbear before I became pregnant we couldn't get enough of each other! to married&confused I know that's possiable however is it the same for a c-section birth?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sex with a pregnant woman is awwwwwwesommmme!


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I know I struggled with how I viewed my wife sexually during pregnancy, and I am very high drive. For some guys I know it is very difficult to wrap you heads around viewing yoir spouse a sexual being and a pregnant mother at the same time. You should definantely not think anything less of yourself. He probably still sees you that way. You guys need to take yourself out of the mother/father role and have a date night a few times a week, an overnight one if possible. A lot of couples struggle for years after childbirth because they are not bake to escape their parental roles and see each other as a couple. It certainly takes a lot of effort to do that shortly after childbirth. The important thing to remember is that you two were a couple for 3 years, it will be just the two of you in 18 years, you need to prioritize yourselves as a couple first, even before parents. I think you already realize this, just need to make this hit home with your man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IH8theFriendZone (Mar 14, 2011)

Hey C&C...as the higher libido spouse, even though our situations are different, I can EASILY identify with your needs and your sense of frustration and feeling of humiliation. My "love language," the things I need and associate with love, are physical touch and words of affection. And baby, I CRAAAAVE that stuff...physical affection, intimacy, words of praise and adoration, etc. 
As a guy, do I think he's cheating? No...from what I gather, I really don't think so. So take heart...I genuinely believe that it's psychological on his part and I think he's feeling a kind of humiliation and frustration of his own and clearly does not want to communicate it. Your pregnancy has altered is view of you...not for the worse (at least from your description of it); just changed, that's all. I think he's watching porn and getting off to A) make sure his junk still works; B) take care of himself since he's not able to with you -- which is NOT your fault; and C) because he may feel embarrassed and/or humiliated that his manhood no longer responds to you the way it used to.
I understand your frustration. I really do. But I think this is most likely a very major misunderstanding and one that can be worked through. Something tells me he just might be a difficult one to break through to. 
The only thing I'd chastise him for is dropping some major coinage on porn that can be easily accessed for free on the internet. Everything else, he needs to know that this is A) ok and fixable; and B) that you want to support him and help.
Oh, and since you're engaged, DO NOT get married until you have your sexual needs and his straightened out and clear as day. Had I to do everything over again, I almost would have incorporated sexual fulfillment into a prenup...or at the very least, made it a hidden part of our wedding vows (like a wink during the line, "to have and to hold," or something)...but it would be absolutely clear going into my marriage that a steadfast campaign of refusal to address my need for intimacy and sexual fulfillment is akin to infidelity and grounds for divorce. But that's a whole other thread.


----------



## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Porn is not cheating. It's adult nature entertainments!
Yeah! Love it!
Your husband might have low testosterone.
Nothing can really affect a man's sexual life except illness or his testosterone level decreases!
If he loves porn more than a real puxxy, something wrong with his testosterone! Trust me!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Crushed&Confused said:


> to pbear before I became pregnant we couldn't get enough of each other! to married&confused I know that's possiable however is it the same for a c-section birth?


I have had 6 c-sections, has nothing to do with anything, we usually had sex 3 weeks + after me having these babies , I couldn't wait as long as the Docs said to wait. 

It was me who gave a link & a book suggestion too about Performance Anxiety - look for my post in this thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/23077-i-love-my-husband-i-want-please-him.html


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MsLonely said:


> If he loves porn more than a real puxxy, something wrong with his testosterone!


This is not necessarily true , as HIGH Test levels cause a man to SEEK MORE VARIETY, want his cave more and he is prone to masterbating alone more so -in comparison to the lower Test man who is not wired with that intensity. From all I have read about this hormone, this is the case. 

But it makes sense -if it is "Performance Anxiety" - that he is trying to avoid the embarrassment of erection failure. 

1st he needs to stop, save it for you, so he has a build up of desire. If you can get him to come to this place. I would not be able to stay in such a marraige- if he was not willing to take ownership of resolving this -with you. It'd be a deal breaker for me.


----------



## Crushed&Confused (Mar 18, 2011)

Everyone is so helpful, I really appreciate the feedback, and I love him of course and now we have a baby.

Do you think I'm being selfish because I want passion and he isn't even able to give it to me know?

I truly don't think I can stay in this without any intimacy or passion. I am wanting it more than ever and feel so lonely. I try to tell him and he pretends not to hear me or changes the subject.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You're not selfish for wanting that, in my opinion. But it doesn't sound like you've given this much of a chance (yet). It's only been 3 weeks since you've got the go ahead to knock yourselves out... To many people, that's not even a dry spell, much less a point to start considering splitting up.

Have you guys explored counseling or therapy? If it comes down to it, you could draw a line in the sand. No more porn, no more spanking the monkey on his own unless he's meeting your needs. At least then you've given him the opportunity to see how serious you are about the situation, and a chance to fix it. But you better be prepared to back that up.

Read SA's article with him, and see where things go. Work on building the non-sexual intimacy before pushing for sex.

What's going on in his life? What kind of work schedule does he have? Is he having problems there? Problems with friends/family? Was he comfortable with the decision to have kids, your financial situation, etc?

Unfortunately for guys (speaking as one), the hydralic system is tied closely to the emotional system. It doesn't need to be much of a disconnect before things get derailed, which can quickly lead to self-confidence/anxiety issues. I ran into this myself, after a separation, and suddenly finding myself willing but not always sure I was able. Perhaps a bit of a chemical boost would help him get over the anxiety issue, if that's what's derailing things now. But he has to be willing to be honest about the issue, and want to resolve it. If he's not willing, then you're in for a possibly long struggle.

C


----------

