# Distress after Re-contacting my Ex



## PeacefulTraveller (Jan 16, 2013)

Hello. I haven't posted on this site before, mostly because I've had trouble registering for some reasons, but also because I've been depressed over the traumatic loss of my 17-year relationship. I have read posts here, and they've been very helpful to me. My experience is very much like that of many others here: My partner of 17 years cheated on me for at least two years, and lied repeatedly about it even when confronted time and again. Not until I eventually discovered extensive documentation in the form of emails, letters, poems, and gifts, did my partner begin to even admit the affair. We tried reconciliation, but my partner continued to cheat even after committing to stopping the infidelity to our couples counselor. My despair, trauma, and rage then spiralled out of control, and, shortly thereafter, my partner left me. I begged my partner to return, but by then my traumatic reaction had completed alienated h. 

I have really struggled since then, and it's been over a year since my partner left, and since May 2012 when the settlement was signed and my partner finished moving out. In November 2012, after Thanksgiving, I re-contacted my Ex and asked that we reconsider reconciliation. I have received friendly, chatty emails since then, but noting substantial until the other day. My Ex write me a longish email explaining that h still struggles with our breakup, especially that h didn't stand up to my anger and ultimatums. My "ultimatums", as h calls them, were actually my insistence after discovering that h was still cheating during reconciliation that h choose either me or the OP. There was no mention in the email about the infidelity, nor any mention of remorse for anything. Incredibly, my Ex has scripted h-self as a victim in this whole saga. 

Last night, I had a dream that my Ex stole all of my new clothes (I had to buy a new wardrobe after losing 60 pounds because of infidelity trauma). I see the dream as a warning that I am making myself vulnerable--and that I am being re-violated by all of this. Needless to say, I'm a mess today.

Thanks for listening. I'm sure I'll be posting a lot now that I've figured out how to register on this site.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Sorry you've found yourself here with us. A big question for you:

After what you've dealt experienced with the infidelity, lies, etc, why are you seeking a reconciliation? 

A follow-up:
Have you been in any kind of individual counseling since the break-up to help you with moving on?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

To the OP: I think you need some counseling. I can't see why you want to get back together with someone who has cheated on you several times and yet somehow manages to lay the blame on YOU..and you accept it. 

You need to work on yourself, not your relationship with your Ex. 

The hardest part of a separation/divorce isn't the paperwork or the physical act of moving away from each other, but overcoming the emotional impact of it. You need to work on that. Only then will you be truly free and happy.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

How have things went for you since your post??


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## PeacefulTraveller (Jan 16, 2013)

Thanks for the responses to my initial post. Since mid-January, it has often been a struggle, but I also have stretches of pretty good days. The pattern seems to be: I vow not to contact my Ex, but then I'll receive an email or text and feel all over again that there might be hope, so I contact my Ex again, and then a receive another non-committal reply, and so I vow to myself not to contact again--and so on. 

Last week, I was in a "no contact" period when I literally ran into my Ex (I live in a small town, and Ex and I work in same place) and couldn't resist speaking, which turned into pleading . . . well, you get the picture. This time, however, my Ex stated quite clearly that reconciliation wasn't possible. This is first time I have received such an unambiguous statement. Well, I couldn't quite believe it, so I emailed a communication a little later that day asking if we could engage in "neutral talk." My Ex agreed, and we agreed on a time and place for a face-to-face meeting. That was last week.

A few days later, after absorbing the unambiguous rejection and starting to accept that it's really over, I emailed and cancelled the meeting. I just couldn't imagine what we would talk about. I think my Ex may want to be friends or something. Whatever it is, I am still having trouble letting go because I can sense my Ex is also not letting go. When we did speak last week, for example, Ex still indicated that sort of a relationship was possible . I asked my Ex what kind of relationship was possible if not a romantic one, and I wasn't given a direct answer. Since then, I've been the no contact zone, but I'm starting to obsess about it again, and constructing new emails, but I haven't sent them.

I realize that this makes me seem pathetic. I have been going to a therapist, and generally I am making some progress. I have done a tremendous amount of self-examination, including really helpful mindfulness meditation. I am in the best shape of my life, having lost 60 pounds and done yoga three times a week for the last two years. I also walk, swim and hike. It's actually pretty remarkable. I am also involved in my community, and I have a heavy workload at my job. 

But still I'm terribly crippled by not being able to let go. We were together so long, and completely committed. That's why I wanted reconciliation even though there was this awful infidelity. My Ex and I shared everything. We were together for 17 years. The problem came from the demands of my job. I must have been working 80 hours a week, and my partner was unemployed and then had a health crisis. The affair partner lives nearby, was more available than me and they shared many sports interests. At first, I thought it was great, but then really became uncomfortable when my Ex started to seem distracted, on the phone and on email all the time when they weren't together. I knew, but by the time I knew it was just too late. I begged my Ex not to see the affair partner, but it just wouldn't stop. 

I think what's really unbearable is the knowledge that it was my neglect that led to the affair. This is my Ex's point, and why I feel some responsibility for what happened. But it's hard to reflect on my failings at the same time that I have been so brutally rejected and treated so poorly. I swing from anger to despair, and I am familiar with the subtle shades between. 

Again, I have improved; the mindfulness meditation is perhaps the most helpful thing. The running around trying to rebuild my life with so many activities is wearying and lonely. I just wish that all my efforts would yield some real tangible results, such as steadier moods, deeper connections with friends, a new romantic interest, less loneliness. I want the world to open up, I want the downhill ride after all my effort at pushing so hard. But then what happens? I run into my Ex or I am walking down the street and there they are, in the affair partner's car driving directly toward me (happens).

This is stream-of-conscious venting and obsessing, and I appreciate that there are people here who will understand my need to share it. Thank you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I don't know how you get from this:


> The problem came from the demands of my job. I must have been working 80 hours a week, and my partner was unemployed and then had a health crisis


to this:


> I think what's really unbearable is the knowledge that *it was my neglect that led to the affair. This is my Ex's point*, and why I feel some responsibility for what happened.


Wow your partner has some balls (or ovaries)! 

Your partner is UNEMPLOYED and ILL; YOU step up and work the equivalent of TWO JOBS (yours AND his/hers) thus keeping the income stream going. Your partner CHOOSES to step outside the relationship and CHEAT. FREELY CHOSE of his/her own FREE WILL and it's YOUR fault that s/he chose to be a liar? a cheater?

Perhaps you're a puppet-master who makes ex-partner BEHAVE in certain ways. My, what a LOT OF POWER you posess for a mere mortal!

Can you not see that ex-partner throwing his/her cheating on YOU is just diversion? By blaming YOU (your emotional neglect FORCED me to cheat), your ex-partner doesn't have to look at himself/herself in the mirror and say, 'I'm a dishonest cheater. I'm a liar and a fraud.' Nope, s/he gets to lay it all on YOU!

Because it isn't POSSIBLE that your ex-partner could have TALKED to you about feeling neglected. Nope, THAT's not reasonable.

Because it isn't POSSIBLE that your ex-partner could have sought counseling re: health fears and feeling alone. Nope, THAT's not reasonable.

Because it isn't POSSIBLE that your ex-partner could have told affair partner 'I'm not interested.' Nope, THAT's not reasonable.

Yep, guess the only REASONABLE conclusion is that YOU'RE to blame you hard-working, honest, reliable, truthful, faithful, loyal partner. 

See how RIDICULOUS your ex-partner is being? Blaming YOU for his/her own crap!?! 

*For your own peace of mind*, *BLOCK* your ex-partner's number from your phone (no calls, no texts, no nothing). BLOCK your ex-partner's email address from your emailbox. Don't forget to block him/her from your work phones as well.

Nothing GOOD is going to come out of trying to re-kindle a relationship with someone who has learned NOTHING from the breakup...not even to own his/her own part in it!

.


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## eldubya (Aug 23, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser:
Well said and great advice to PeacefulTraveller. My ex made me feel I was responsible for his unhappiness and absolutely despised me. I bore the sole brunt of supporting us and household chores and planning. He was a hoarder and had oniomania..was driving us into debt and destroying the house as well. Yet I felt it was all my fault that he was unhappy and just kept trying to work harder and harder. Eventually he left me abandoned broke ill and sad so he could enjoy himself more. I acknowledge now the part I played in this as an ENABLER to a spoiled BRAT!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

And NOW you're well rid of him....so it's all GOOD!


Just takes a while to get there and see it sometimes!
Ditto for YOU, PeacefulTraveler.


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