# Newbie...Please tell me what's wrong



## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 4 years, we are in our late 30’s, and I have never been so confused in my whole life. I know our relationship isn’t quite right or is it? 

I don’t have the time to get it into long drawn out details, so I’m going to do the best I can to make it short and sweet as possible (however…I am a woman so my idea of details and your idea of details is probably very different if you are male).

What kind of man spends two months of his life with you, doing everything he can to please you, being the perfect husband if there is such a thing, only to walk away from you for about a month and come back again only to repeat the process?

_My idea of a perfect husband is a man that goes to work, comes home, helps with the kids and household responsibilities, enjoys spending time with you and the kids on the weekends, enjoys spending one or two weekends a month with just the two of you . A husband that makes you and the kids #1 in his life, and he’s someone you can look up to and respect (moral, responsible, selfless). He’s also a lot of fun, and enjoys being a kid when it’s time to (and yes I love running, playing, video games, football, traveling and goofing off…I’m not a sick in the mud, self righteous, prude..and we do have mountains of fun together) and “ok” to be a kid, but knows when it’s time to put the “adult” face on and take care of responsibilities. I’m not a materialistic wife. I’m pretty simple and down to earth, but not so domesticated that I don’t like to have fun and cut loose.
_
Just a little background in a nutshell….

I knew I was going to have a hard time writing this, because, well , I’m not the best writer and I’m not sure if I’ll communicate the situation effectively, but I’ll try my best. Feel free to ask questions if anything needs clarification, because I’m sure I won’t cover everything. 

The thing is, is that as time goes on he seems to becomes less and less excited about the family life (or so it seems), and does less and less…becoming more and more irritable…expecting me to carry more and more of the load of household responsibilities (and yes I work too) until he tells me that I’m just not the one and things aren’t working out and he leaves. Truth be known, I do start nagging a bit when he starts slacking because it’s like he becomes one of my children instead of my partner (it’s like he can’t sustain the responsibilities of family life, but he blames this on me). He spends this time away from me running around with his single friends, drinking and partying (in between church and hanging with his mom), only to come back around a few weeks to a month later claiming that God has showed him that what he is doing is wrong and he doesn’t want to lose me. That he is going to do right from now on (he becomes accountable but in a general sense…he’s never specific about his “I’m sorry’s” though), and make me and the kid’s priority number one. I forgive him…I probably couldn’t hold a grudge if my life depended on it.

FYI: I don’t even know his friends that well, they don’t call or come over. The (single) women don’t ever call me to do anything with them either. I have tried to reach out to them and make friends, and they are nice (the few times I’ve been around them), but they never follow up. I’ve tried inviting them to do things but they always can’t for one reason or another…and they never call me….My husband has like 3 groups of friends he hangs with, and I’m only familiar with one group, but I wouldn’t say I know them well. He even talks about people I have never met when telling me what he’s been doing while away.

The situation has happened so many times, that I finally left him. I moved out and got my own place, but he has a melt down and started going to church again 3 times a week instead of once (not that it matters either way…except it keeps you focused on what’s “right” in life. I don’t want you guys to think that this is my requirement or something. He does this on his own). He started being “super” man again. The thing is that when we are together he won’t tell me “no” about anything! It’s really strange, if I am like, “honey can you go to the store, cook dinner tonight, sweep the floor, help me with this, etc…He will do it (I know the woman reading this are like…Girl he’s the bomb! I only wish my man would do just “one” of these things..if only it were that simple ladies). Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s weird that he doesn’t seem to want to say,” No” about anything….I tell him, “please tell me if you don’t want to do this or that” but he says, “no I want to…I love you”…He won’t even let me fix my own drink, and such….I know it’s odd that he doesn’t seem to say things like, “honey I’m tired would you please do it or whatever”. He makes me feel like I offend him if I don’t let him. Don’t get me wrong, It’s not like I sit on my backside and do nothing either. I still carry more than he does, but he is doing a lot to help too. When he is like this, it makes me feel very special…but don’t get me wrong…I don’t think it’s necessary for him to go above and beyond like this for me to feel special. I respect the fact that he is a human too and has needs and weaknesses like all of us (that is if he “IS” human). He really doesn’t communicate them to me though.

Then, it becomes less and less and in a very short period of time. I mean I can deal with the “not waiting on me and foot” but he literally becomes like a teenager leaving trash, clothes, forgetting bills, etc…not even knowing when the kids have a special program and other strange things. I think the longest he kept it up was for 3 months (and let me say too, that, this is NOT typical man “being a man” behavior. I’m not going to get into the details..so you can either trust me or not.) I’m a fun woman, not a stickler for a perfect house or life. Matter-of-fact we have very little money, so things are very tight. I consider myself a Christian, and believe that everything in life is blessing. I tend to focus on the positive in life, while my husband seems to focus on the negative (or does he?)…sometimes I feel he’s manipulating me to have the best of both worlds.

The situation has escalated to the point that I wonder if there is another woman? There is a pattern to these times when he disappears and says he wants a divorce. Every fight we have just about, he packs up some things and says he wants a divorce. We can’t argue about anything without this happening. Well, I take that back he will tolerate it at times (during the few weeks to a few months he’s seems to be determined to make it work), and ends up making promises he doesn’t keep (just like staying with me and leaving). I’ve said to him numerous times, “Honey just be honest with me. I believe that married couples should share everything. We all have our strengths and weaknesses nobody is perfect. Just be real with me so I can respect our differences and be understanding”. To this day, I’m not sure this has ever happened. (Also, I’m telling you, none of “our” friends, or acquaintances, would ever believe he is like this. On the outside he seems so together and mature). I’ve noised around his internet, cell phone records, and email and haven’t found anything that proves he is cheating. He does look at porn though. (I do want to add that I consider myself a very beautiful woman, I have a great body, 110 pounds, long brown hair and pretty blue eyes. I have always turned the heads in the room. I also try to be pretty on the inside, but I have never felt so ugly though or worthless in my life). He denies that he would ever cheat on me, and tells me that I’m only woman he wants. I wasn’t born yesterday nor am I naïve. I have had my share of hardships and so forth….I have the passwords to everything, and he knows this… He was kind enough to give them to me because I have become so insecure, but I know there are ways around things like this if you really don’t want to get caught. I’m not the stalker type, and he knows this too. Like, I wouldn’t follow him or show up at a friend’s home unannounced. I would never call a number on his phone either unless I felt that “for sure” there was something to that phone number. I just feel that if it comes to that point (where I want to stalk him), then it is “for real” time to move on. 

And yes…I’m at that point….

So what is going on? I do have to say he has a mother (yes he is a momma’s boy) that enables him to do whatever he wants. She doesn’t encourage him to take responsibility for his family, matter-of-fact, I think she looks forwards to the times we fight (if you want to call it that, because he leaves me) because she gets to spend more time with him (she will take him out to eat two or three times per week) She is a very lonely woman and wants her kids around as much as possible. She doesn’t seem to care if we make it or not.

Is it just immaturity and he is looking for a woman to basically take care of him? If this were true though, why does he do so much for us when we are on that “up” cycle of the relationship? Do you think there is another woman? I will say, to me, it’s like he wants to live his life like when he was single, but have the benefits of marriage. Oh, and yes I let him do things with his friends (like church, lunch, and golf). It’s not like I expect him to be stuck up underneath me 24-7, but the strange thing is he usually just wants to be with me during this time. The promises he makes, the goals he sets, never become reality. When he proposed to me, he took it back 4 times before he finally married me. We didn’t get to go on our honeymoon that was going to be paid for by my mom and his dad, because he “didn’t want to waste his dad’s money if we weren’t going to make it”. Isn’t that ridiculous? Like no one goes into a marriage making decisions based on things that haven’t even come true yet. It’s as if he believes he knows the future and if he doesn’t know for sure then he will literally make major decisions on an assumption of what “might” happen.

Then recently after I moved out, he said he was going to make that honeymoon to Jamaica come true for me, and made the deposit on our trip of 300 dollars. He convinced me that he was going to do this for me for our anniversary in November. He also agreed to counseling (but we only went twice) only to take his things (the few things he had at my new home, because he had been staying here) and leave about 2-weeks later. He lost the 300 dollar deposit by doing this, and it’s like it doesn’t matter(he’s done many things like this over the last 4 years). This same man is very critical of lights being left on, and will drive 20 miles to save 3 cents a gallon on gas…yet…he will lose money out of pure carelessness (like not keeping up with his bank account).

On my end of things, I will admit that I’m can be high strung, a perfectionist, and have a high level of morals and ideals about what I feel is right and wrong. I’m very opinionated and can be easily frustrated when things aren’t running smoothly (but I’m not deluded in the sense that I know things are going to happen that I don’t like and I must deal with them). The thing is he never complains about this except when I start on him about any issues I have with him. I’m a very loyal person though (obviously), and believe that God doesn’t put two people together for no reason. My husband goes to church regularly and claims he feels the same way I do about God, but if this were true how could he keep leaving us? How can he keep breaking his promises to us? Why is it that when the “going gets tough, he gets going”? He claims he knows that married life is difficult, and full of ups and downs. He says he knows he shouldn’t leave us and that we should stick together through thick and thin…yet…he still does.

Could there be another woman that he needs to make time for? Is he just very immature and taking advantage of me? Why does he one minute act like he cares about us and what’s going on, but turns around and literally pulls the plug on us over and over again?

I try to ask him, but he gets frustrated…he doesn’t want to talk about things to do with us or solve the problems…well he does at times (or he is good at faking it, sometimes …), and when we compromise or solve the problems (which is rare)…he always….and I MEAN ALWAYS…goes back on his word or his deal. I’m not using the word “always” loosely either…I think the only major promise he ever kept was marrying me.

I’m at the point that I know I must “draw the line” or this cycle will continue. We never get anywhere…we never move forward in life….we are always in the same place….I must leave him for good, but I’m still left very confused and wondering how a man can be one way then turn like this? I mean this man will listen to me ramble on “in the way woman do” for hours listening intently to me talk about anything and everything ‘except him of course or us’ (I mean how many really “GOOD” men do that for their wives?). How can he keep doing this to us? It’s not drugs, at least I don’t think, he is very antidrug and I believe I would know because of my own experiences with loved ones and drugs. Why does he even come back if freedom is so important to him or is it not the freedom? I thought I had men all figure out until I met him…and before you ask…our sex life is very active and fulfilling…but maybe he is bored. I’ve asked him this numerous times, but he always says he “never gets bored with me”….We’ve always had GREAT communication when it comes to sex (he pleases me and I please him) Please help…I’m so confused. I just want closure, and I know I’m not going to get it from him. I just want to understand…

This is the weirdest relationship I have ever had, and I know of no one in anything even similar….Can someone please tell me what is going on in his head or at least try? (I just realized how sad it is when you have to ask total strangers what is going on in your husband’s head, but when I ask him he will say things that don’t make sense. For example, He will say things that are very hurtful like, “well the truth is that if I was in a different place financially I wouldn’t be with you”, but in the same breath…When I say, “Well then that isn’t love baby and you need to be with someone who will make you happy“(in the sweetest most understanding voice I can muster up…like a friend would…because I see us as friends first and I “AM” his friend first and foremost)…he’ll then say in the same breath, “no, I do love you more than anything in this world” or the following week say, “I didn’t really mean that”. There are many more examples, but suffice it to say I never truly feel like I get any answers. Being with him has been like a brain warp….What is wrong with him? Anyone? I really need the facts….I don’t believe I’m ignorant (but I AM somewhat vulnerable because I have no family of my own besides him and the kids. This does make it easier to tolerate. It’s like I know it’s dysfunctional as all-get-out…but his sweetness sucks me in like no tomorrow..sorry for the slang….but I just want to semi understand so I can move on. I know that 
love is blind and I know that I’m blind.) This is so foreign to me….and I’ve never felt so lost in my life….. 

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this….


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## smetana (Sep 3, 2010)

I have to confess, I haven't read every detail here, but after hearing about the first 1-2 cycles, I wonder, could he have bipolar personality disorder? Anyone else wondering about this or know enough to speak up on this?


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Thank you for your response. Sorry my post is so long, but I just feel that my situation may be unusual and thought that I should elaborate. It doesn't help that I don't write well. I don't know about bi-polar, because I haven't seen any external mood swings that fit that description. However, I'm not sure that means anything or that he doesn't have that. I know there is SOMETHING going on in that head of his. I feel so lost right now...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I don't think he is bi-polar at all. He's definitely got a problem that is need of professional help though. I really think part of it may go back to some "mommy issues". I also believe guilt is playing a huge role in his yo-yo behavior. He wants to play and enjoy the single life, but every time he does his Christian conscience comes into play. 

Your problem also seems multi-faceted to me. The other big problem is that he has different sets of friends. So, why is he hiding some of the friends? That group which includes the single women sounds like trouble. Perhaps he is having an affair until his guilty conscience kicks in. You are probably going to have to do some serious snooping to figure out the whole picture.

The important thing is that you need for his on again off again emotions to pick a definite direction. Either you have a marriage or you don't. You and the children can't live like this. If he absolutely won't go to marriage counseling, go to individual counseling. It will help you deal with him much better. I've been there. Sometimes it is next to impossible to live with a confused person and remain sane!


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Thank you 827! You are correct in everything you have said here. That is how I feel about it at the very core. Thank you so much for responding....I just wish I understood WHY he would risk his life at this age, his future, for this? How can someone be that stupid? It's not like he isn't allowed time to be with friends....I just don't get it...but your right...I'm going to go crazy if I just don't let go


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I used to be in your husband's shoe so long ago....

But then I was in my 20s to early 30s. Drinking at a friend's house, doing the weekend snowboard trips, Vegas trips, camping trips, more drinking at buddie's house, etc...

Friends almost hardly came to my house cuz my wife could be pretty sharp with her tongue (when we were younger) and she hated people making a mess of her house then her having to clean it up. Oh yes, I was the greatest husband in the world....

Why I did it, because I was young and still wanted to have fun and hang with my friends. The wife was still gonna be home so if I was gone for a night or a weekend she would still see me more than my friends did overall. She would beep me all night long (yes it was that long ago and we only had beepers) and I would usually just turn off the beeper or ignore it. Gonna get yelled at anyways so might as well just stay until the fun ended and take my beating the next day right?

Why did I keep doing it even though I knew that my wife did not approve of this behavior? Because although she yelled and cried and yelled and cried, she never left. I knew that as long as she was never gonna leave (or give the impression of leaving) I could do whatever I wanted and then just go home and apologize or ignore her and life goes on.

I took her for granted, she is the best wife possible out there, almost any guy would probably want my wife because she's beautiful, loving, caring but comes with a sharp tongue, Chinese wife, yes they all have sharp tongues and they get it from their mothers!!!! Well during all this fun and excitement the affair happened and she threw me out and basically told me to go ahead and be happy because she was done with trying to win me back.

It's a bit ironic but true, you really don't know what you have till you lose it. It took the threat of her leaving to make me shape up and realize what I had in her. I have to give it to her for sticking with me for this long. If I was in her shoes I think I would have taken a very big stick and swatted me halfway across the country for doing all this to her.

What's the worse that can happen if you give an ultimatum, he leaves and yes you're heartbroken but then you can start living again. Or he can realize what he has in you and work on making himself a better person. Sometimes you just have to make a stand and draw the line in the sand. Just tell him straight up, this is where I am now and there is where I want US to be, you decide where you stand so I can make a choice of where my life or our life is headed. Then just walk away and let him decide. Yes it's hard and you love him dearly but how much more pain do you want to take. I gave my wife almost 10 years of pain before I shaped up. Can you go 10+ years and into your 40s, or 15 years or 20 years?

Every day I always ask myself, how did my wife take that much pain and still stay with me? Probably because she has a much bigger heart and truly loved me, damn made myself tear up a little there.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

cheatinghubby said:


> I used to be in your husband's shoe so long ago....
> 
> But then I was in my 20s to early 30s. Drinking at a friend's house, doing the weekend snowboard trips, Vegas trips, camping trips, more drinking at buddie's house, etc...
> 
> ...


I'm glad you posted this perspective. I think it provides Brloli the insight she needs to put an end to the current "yo-yo behavior" she and the children are enduring. Many times we just can't see the forest for the trees while we continually ask "why".


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Thank you so much for this....everything you wrote CH is how I've felt about the entire situation to the core. What I think makes it so hard to register or "believe" is that my husband just turned 40. He is no longer that young man trying to have a family but having a hard time letting those single days go. It's sad, because of his age, that he still acts like this. I can understand being young and behaving in the manner you stated here...not that it's right by no stretch... and not that all young people behave like that...but in our generation it's unfortunate that many do. Most DO grow out of it as they reach their early 30's...but he hasn't...and it's my understanding that he never will if he hasn't by now. I swear I feel like I have stepped back in life to the age of 18....and I have no one to blame but myself. I tolerated it for 4 years.....and even now he still trying to suck me back in


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