# My wife doesn't want sex with me anymore



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Thanks in advance for reading my post.
As the title says, my wife doesn't want sex with me anymore. I have to fight really hard to get a little bit of sex from my wife. Usually we have sex once a month for 20 or 30 minutes. It may sound funny but I manage to not ejaculate quickly and enjoy the sex as long I can since I only get one shot. This has been going on for almost 2 years now. We have a son together. Our son is 15 months old. She got pregnant during the rare times we had sex. We had no sex at all during the pregnancy.
I confronted her many times but it always ended in a fight. So I stopped talking about it and tried to live without sex. She told me she was tired and suffered from exhaustion. Every time I talk about sex with her, she says that's the only thing I care about and I'm a pervert. Since she doesn't want me to penetrate her, I sometimes ask her to give me a BJ or masturbate me but even for getting it, I have to pressure her more for many days. She's older than me. She's in her 30s and I'm just 30. She says she's not in her 20s anymore. So, her sexual drive is low. 
Sincerely, I'm tired and can't take it anymore. I admit I want to cheat and have sex with other women. My sexual drive is high and I want to be able to have sex normally and regularly. My favorite sexual position is doggie but I did it only twice with my wife during our 3-year marriage. I'm very frustrated and sad. The last time my wife came to me for sex was about almost 2 years ago. The fact that she rejects me has bad effects. I don't feel confident about myself anymore. I feel lonely and depressed. I feel emotionally tired. I don't see myself handsome anymore. 
I've been thinking about getting a divorce but every time I see my son, I don't want him to suffer from it. 
I'm very strong emotionally and mentally but don't know what to do anymore. I need serious help.




Kind Regards,
Gladiator7


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Gladiator7 said:


> Every time I talk about sex with her, she says that's the only thing I care about and I'm a pervert.


Sounds really rough.
Married for three years, sexless for two out of those three.
How was the sex before marriage?
Did she " suddenly " change after marriage?


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Thanks for your message.
The sex before marriage was good. She didn't suddenly change after the marriage. She started changing 4 months after marriage. Since that time, sex has never been the same again.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

What was the frequency before marriage?
Something must have happened for it to stop, I'm not saying that she is right, but maybe she's on some sort of meds or something?
If not,
Did you have any indication before marriage that she didn't like sex?
How many years were you two together before marriage?
Has she ever hinted at why she stopped wanting sex? Mid 30 is a very young age 
Do you think she would be open to the idea of counselling?


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Sounds like classic bait and switch. 

Enjoys the sex before marriage, then kills it once you put a ring on it. 

Mind if I ask:
Are you overweight? Are you possibly not physically attractive to her anymore? 

If you are in good shape, here is what I would suggest:
Start talking. She should know about this. Tell her very clearly that you want to have a loving marriage, and she can't put your needs on the bottom of the priority list and expect you to stay around forever
Then pull a 180.
And if she doesn't take the hints, then wait till the end of January. If she still refuses to do anything, then file, and divorce. 

Your son will eventually understand. But remember, you must love him no matter what. He will need support and love that only his parents can give him. 
And you told us, you don't want him to see mom and dad divorce and separate. Well, I promise you, divorcing because mom and dad couldn't love each other properly is 10x better than divorcing because dad went out and had an affair.


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Her libido changed very quickly after marriage. Unless something happened at that point (change in medication, change in occupation, etc.) then I suspect you may be victim to the old bait and switch.

Standard procedure for a sexless marriage is to first rule out a psychical reason for the lack of desire (hormones or illness). So, she should see a doctor. However, many women in sexless marriages don't care enough to see a doctor. So, you may not be able to rule that out definitively. Second, you should rule out another man. Check her phone records, email, and Facebook to see if she's having an affair. If both of those turn up nothing, then she's just not attracted to you.

Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and buy the Primer and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) to become more attractive. Often, a wife will respond to a husband running the MAP by having more sex with him. However, if yours doesn't, you'll still be better positioned to have sex with other women.

A less effective approach is to ask your wife if she would mind an open marriage. Since she doesn't want sex with you, would she care if you had sex with other women? Just a physical arrangement. Most women in sexless marriages don't want their husbands to have their physical needs fulfilled, period. So this may provoke a fight. But, it's better to ask up front than to cheat on her and deal with the fallout from that.

Good luck.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> *Her libido changed very quickly after marriage. *Unless something happened at that point (change in medication, change in occupation, etc.) then I suspect you may be victim to the old bait and switch.
> 
> .


These are my thoughts also.

But what I'm wondering is why?
A lot of times I read these types of stories on TAM and it sounds cruel.
Why would a woman purposely do that to a man?


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> These are my thoughts also.
> 
> But what I'm wondering is why?
> A lot of times I read these types of stories on TAM and it sounds cruel.
> Why would a woman purposely do that to a man?


If it is a bait and switch, I would guess that the OP's wife hit her early/mid thirties and was running out of time to have a family.


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

I am in the same boat as you - sexless marriage - and I am a woman. 

I can't tell you why she doesn't want sex, if I knew what causes that, I wouldn't be in my own situation  however, a couple of questions:

Do you know what turns her on and what she enjoys? Do you focus suffiently on her needs when you're trying to get sex? Do you always have the same strategy for initiating sex (if yes, then perhaps try something else). 

I have many girlfriends who are not interested in sex and they discuss their husbands at length. Some of their suggestions:
Some of the women find that by simply helping more around the house- if you aren't already- will get her more willing.
Another option is to ask your parents/her parents/friends or family to watch your son for a night (or a weekend if you can). While she is out dropping him off, organise a wonderful picknic on the floor, scatter some cushions about, buy some finger foods, nice wine, chocolates, strawberries (great for getting romance going), focus on the foods you know *she loves*. In other words, give her the most amazing, romantic date-night of her life, rekindle your love, romance her. (if she often has sleepless nights, make sure you start the evening off early, so she doesn't get sleepy after half an hour). While you eat, make sure you keep eye contact, smile at her, touch her gently (arm, hand, leg) in a non sexual, but sensual way. Ask her about her day. Listen to her. Destress her by giving her a good long sensual massage, or (if she doesn't enjoy those) run your hands through her hair or just hold her hand and chat. 

Another of my gal pals told us of a story that helped her get in the mood:You run a bubblebath for both of you (if you have a jacuzzi, use that) - with candles lit in the bathroom- if she likes bubbly, pour yourselves a glass each and lie there talking (not about your son or work but about the two of you, how she makes you feel - women love talking about feelings, and hearing how much they mean to you). Make sure there is lots of eye contact, smile at her (don't spend hours in there or you'll both end up falling asleep in the tub). When you get out, put a big towl around her, gently dry her and kiss her, cuddle her. Make her feel like she is the most stunning woman in the world. complement her. Don't push yourself on her sexually, don't act like any of this is FOR sex (because it is not, it's about romance at this point) don't beg for sex, and don't even touch her sexually. If you give her enough attention in sensual ways, chances are SHE will ask YOU for sex. 
I have heard directly from women who don't want sex, that these types of tactic works on them.

If nothing else, at least she will feel more special and appreciated and less stressed.

I hope it works for you.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Before marriage, we had sex at least once a day. She was the one coming to me for sex. 
We used to work together. After marriage, the business started doing very well. We were both dealing with a lot of customers. We got much busier. Basically, she wanted me to ask for sex Saturdays only. I did it many times but the situation didn't change. Sometimes I tried to snuggle and kiss her but got rejected as well. We have been together for a year and half before marriage. 
She is not open to counseling at all. I'm glad we have our son but since he came, the situation got worse. She completely ignores me and my needs. I don't understand since I have my days with the baby. She doesn't care about me at all. Right now, her main focuses are the baby and work. I feel lonely in my own house. We don't watch movies together, we don't eat together, we don't kiss each other..etc. When my son is asleep, she would just go to one of the bedrooms and stay there. Most of the time, I'm by myself in the living room with my laptop or reading or playing with my cat. I feel like she just wanted me to give her a child. I did it. So, she doesn't need me anymore.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, she also needed you to help pay for the child. 
So you were a sperm donator, and human ATM. 

So, when do you plan on talking about this with her?


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Sounds like classic bait and switch.
> 
> Enjoys the sex before marriage, then kills it once you put a ring on it.
> 
> ...


Juicer,


Yes, you may ask. Thanks for your reply.
To answer your questions;
I'm not overweight at all. I've always been fit. I play soccer regularly. She tells me regularly I look even better since I got more muscles. 
I think the only option would be a divorce since she probably doesn't love me anymore.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

After you got married and up to the time when your sex life took a nose dive, how many hours a week were the two of you spending together, just the two of you, doing things where you were focused on each other?


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Her libido changed very quickly after marriage. Unless something happened at that point (change in medication, change in occupation, etc.) then I suspect you may be victim to the old bait and switch.
> 
> Standard procedure for a sexless marriage is to first rule out a psychical reason for the lack of desire (hormones or illness). So, she should see a doctor. However, many women in sexless marriages don't care enough to see a doctor. So, you may not be able to rule that out definitively. Second, you should rule out another man. Check her phone records, email, and Facebook to see if she's having an affair. If both of those turn up nothing, then she's just not attracted to you.
> 
> ...


PHTlump,


About another man, I don't know sincerely. I checked her phone records, emails..etc but couldn't find anything. Another issue with her is that she thinks she knows everything. I can't tell her or suggest anything. I hardly get a normal discussion with her. 
Once I talked about having an open marriage and told me she would file for divorce if I do it. 
She's very jealous although she doesn't want sex with me. Even though she doesn't watch movies with me, she doesn't want me to watch porn or any other movie showing some nakedness. Many weeks ago, we went to the mall together. I had my left hand in my pocket. She got mad and said I was hiding my wedding ring. Or if I want to go out with my friends, she wants me to dress up in a certain way to not attract other women. So every time I go out, it's a fight since I wear what I want. 
Sincerely I don't know anymore. Some of her reactions don't make sense at all. She doesn't want to see a doctor neither.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Well, she also needed you to help pay for the child.
> So you were a sperm donator, and human ATM.
> 
> So, when do you plan on talking about this with her?


lol maybe.

We talked about it some many times that I'm tired of doing it. I tried to talk about it again 2 days and it ended in a fight. Since Thursday, we haven't been talking to each other.


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

You say your son is 15 months old. Could your wife have postnatal depression? I am no expert, but she sounds depresssed and angry.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gladiator7 said:


> We talked about it some many times that I'm tired of doing it. I tried to talk about it again 2 days and it ended in a fight. Since Thursday, we haven't been talking to each other.


You need to get her attention. Doing the same thing over and over will only get you the same results you are getting now.

You cannot make her change. The only thing you can do is to change the way you interact with her. When you change, she will have to change. 

For a month or two, or until her behavior changes, treat her according to the 180 (see link in my signature block below). The will get her attention. That's what you want. 

Once you have her attention you can tell her that you are not happy in the marriage and contemplating a divorce. But you are hoping that she will work with you to fix things. Ask her if she wants a divorce or to fix the marriage?

Get the books linked to in my siganture block below for building a passionate marriage. Work through them with her.

Set a time limit for how long you are willing to give this last shot at saving your marriage.. say 6 months. If by then things have not significantly improved you are defiantely justified in divorcing.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gladiator7 said:


> PHTlump,
> 
> 
> About another man, I don't know sincerely. I checked her phone records, emails..etc but couldn't find anything. Another issue with her is that she thinks she knows everything. I can't tell her or suggest anything. I hardly get a normal discussion with her.
> ...


I assume this is changed behavior from what she was like when you dated and were first married. 

Are there any friends or family members of hers you can discuss her changed behavior with? If they agree that she's changed significantly, acts depresssed, etc maybe they can help you convince her to see a doctor about it.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

surferchick said:


> I am in the same boat as you - sexless marriage - and I am a woman.
> 
> I can't tell you why she doesn't want sex, if I knew what causes that, I wouldn't be in my own situation  however, a couple of questions:
> 
> ...


surferchick,


Thanks for your message and suggestions.
I don't know. Maybe I'm not doing enough. She's very demanding.
You mentioned something very important. Something my wife asked me to do. She said I wasn't helping her with the house work. I've been doing it. I do all the dishes, groceries, deal with the garbage..etc. She does the laundry, and cooks most of the time. We both clean the house. Since she met me, this woman never drove a car again. I drive her all the time. She even gets mad when I get tired. I feel like she's setting me up. She asks too much and know I won't be able to do it. Since I can't do it, no sex for me. I feel like she's creating reasons to not have sex with me. 
For instance, we moved to a new place many months ago. I got some friends to help me out. My friends helped me a little but and left since they had other things to do. I had to finish the job by myself. I started at 6 pm and finished the next day at 8 Am. I'm not saying it to show up or anything. That's what I did. I didn't sleep the whole night. I just kept moving things until the morning. She woke up the next day at around 9 Am and wanted to give me something else to do. She didn't say any word of appreciation regarding the job I did. I felt really sad. I just feel like she doesn't appreciate me and what I do for her and our son.

We talk about her office all the time. I used to work there with her as GM. I know everything and all the details about her office. Once a week, I go to her office to enter all the payments she receives and adjust customer's accounts. I clean all her office once a week as well. Every day I'm the one opening and closing her office. 
I'm a small business owner too but she doesn't have a clue of how I run my business or what I do to get money out of it. All she knows is that I have an e-business. I feel so sad that my own wife doesn't care about what I do. So sad that my own wife never suggests anything to help me out with my business. 
You suggested interesting things to do to attract her but when I think about everything she does to me, sincerely, I don't want to do anything anymore to attract her. I'm just giving up. I'm starting to hate her. I don't want to talk to her anymore.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> If it is a bait and switch, I would guess that the OP's wife hit her early/mid thirties and was running out of time to have a family.


Good point. It may be one of the reasons


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gladiator7,

Stories like this just baffle me. You sound like a good guy who has gone to all lengths for your wife. She sounds profoundly selfish. I don't know how a person can treat someone they claim to love this way.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I assume this is changed behavior from what she was like when you dated and were first married.
> 
> Are there any friends or family members of hers you can discuss her changed behavior with? If they agree that she's changed significantly, acts depresssed, etc maybe they can help you convince her to see a doctor about it.


Yes, her big sister lives not too far away from us. I can talk to her about it.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You marriage sounds dysfuctional. 

Here is what I suggest, but again, you can do whatever you see fit:
Tell her You expect to be loved, and give her till New Years to change. Not a month, because if you have brought this up before, then she is just choosing to ignore your needs. Therefore, she doesn't get a month. She gets a little more than a week to show she can be a good wife. If she can't, well sucks to be her. Because trust me, there are a ton of women out here, that want guys like you. 
Because your marriage, besides being dysfuctional, is borderline abusive. Not a good enviroment for your son to grow up in. 

But again, change is up to you. 
If you start to hate her though, that is resentment though. And if it is starting, then the love is already gone. 
Often, once the intimacy leaves the relationship, the love is not far behind it. 
And that love is replaced by resentment.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife still work at her job? Or is she a SAHM now? I'm not clear on that.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

surferchick said:


> You say your son is 15 months old. Could your wife have postnatal depression? I am no expert, but she sounds depresssed and angry.


She may have it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gladiator7 said:


> She may have it.


She tells you that she's tired, exhausted. What else does she say about how she is feeling over the last few months?


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Juicer said:


> You marriage sounds dysfuctional.
> 
> Here is what I suggest, but again, you can do whatever you see fit:
> Tell her You expect to be loved, and give her till New Years to change. Not a month, because if you have brought this up before, then she is just choosing to ignore your needs. Therefore, she doesn't get a month. She gets a little more than a week to show she can be a good wife. If she can't, well sucks to be her. Because trust me, there are a ton of women out here, that want guys like you.
> ...


True. She told me many times that If I wasn't happy, I could leave and I wouldn't find anybody better than her. I've been enduring all of that because of my son. Without him, I would have left a long time ago. 
She still says she loves me but I don't think it's true. Actions speak louder than words.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Gladiator7,
> 
> Stories like this just baffle me. You sound like a good guy who has gone to all lengths for your wife. She sounds profoundly selfish. I don't know how a person can treat someone they claim to love this way.


EleGirl,


Thanks for the support. Sadly, you are right. She's very selfish. That's one of the main problems. Selfishness doesn't work in a marriage.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife still work at her job? Or is she a SAHM now? I'm not clear on that.


EleGirl,


She still works at her office from Monday to Friday. 
Since my business is e-business, I'm the one staying at home with him now. I have a couple of workers but do most of the job. I'm very exhausted since I start working properly when she's at home. When my son is awake, I sometimes have to deal with orders from my customers and take care of him at the same time. I'm getting much better but it's very tiresome. I have no break seriously since I work in fully capacity when she starts taking care of him. That usually starts at 6:30 or 7 pm.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> She tells you that she's tired, exhausted. What else does she say about how she is feeling over the last few months?


EleGirl,


She says she suffers from depression.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Gladiator7 said:


> True. She told me many times that If I wasn't happy, I could leave and I wouldn't find anybody better than her. I've been enduring all of that because of my son. Without him, I would have left a long time ago.
> She still says she loves me but I don't think it's true. Actions speak louder than words.


Trust me, that is 100% not true. 

Because:
You'll find woman that do enjoy sex, and will have it with you. 
You'll find woman that don't demean you, take an active interest in you, and will give you what you want. 
And most importantly: They'll love you 100x more than your wife ever will. 

Don't believe me? Divorce, then go out with your single friends.

I am a week out of divorce. 
I have got a bunch of girls calling me (because I stupdily gave them my number, don't give yours out!), wanting to hook up, wanting to go out, everything. 
Divorce, and prove your wife wrong. Because she is either delusional, or lying through her teeth.


----------



## Gladiator7 (Dec 22, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Trust me, that is 100% not true.
> 
> Because:
> You'll find woman that do enjoy sex, and will have it with you.
> ...


Thanks. That's very supportive.
Life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. 
I agree with you. So many women are single and looking for a good man.


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

Why would you want to have sex with someone that treats you so poorly? I agree with Juicer and EleGirl, your wife sounds extremely selfish, and your marriage dysfunctional. 

My thought is that she has become accustomed to treating you badly, making you her servant and using sex (or the lack thereof) as her manipulative tool to get you to do her bidding. She doesn't seem to care how much you do, as she has become so spoilt that whatever you do isn't enough!

My suggestions from before won't work on your wife, she has checked out of your marriage. Whether she has done it knowingly or willingly only she will know. Whatever the case, she probably quite enjoys her throne. She has a husband/slave doing all her bidding and she feels super attractive because you're always on your knees begging her for sex, doing anything and everything to please her! 

Until she starts respecting you again, she won't be nice to you (unless she wants something) or treat you like an equal partner in the marriage. Her not giving you any sex is actually not your biggest problem, it just feels that way for you, and she knows that and is USING that fact! I read somewhere that when you're getting sex, it only consumes about 5-10% of your focus, but if you're not getting any or there are sexual problems it becomes 95% of your focus - and that is why you're focusing on the sex issue rather than how your wife is actually behaving! It sounds to me like you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. I think you need to start setting some boundaries in your relationship, don't just do everything to make her happy and in hope that you will get some sex, don't be a pawn in her game any longer. The two of you will need to go for councelling to sort things out.

I think before anything else, you need to find out whether or not she is interested in actually saving your marriage, and whether or not you are! You can't do it alone. If you try to push the cart in one direction and she constantly pushes it in the other, you'll never get anywhere, it has to be a joint partnership to work out your issues.

Good luck!


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

You sound like a poster child for MSSL/MAP, the book that PHTLump posted earlier. Your wife is an alpha b!tch and you are a total doormat husband. Personally if I was married to someone like your wife I would just leave. She used you for your sperm and your wallet and wants nothing else to do with you.

But if you are determined to try and save the marriage I don't think you can do any better than running the MAP. Whatever you do don't get into an affair. If it is going to come to that just file for divorce instead.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

surferchick said:


> I think before anything else, you need to find out whether or not she is interested in actually saving your marriage, and whether or not you are! You can't do it alone. If you try to push the cart in one direction and she constantly pushes it in the other, you'll never get anywhere, it has to be a joint partnership to work out your issues.
> 
> Good luck!


He has told her his needs by his own admission. 
So either:
She is hoping he'll cheat so she can take him to the cleaners
Or
She doesn't care about him to inconvience herself to have sex with him. 

He has told her what he needs to save the marriage. She refused to listen. 
His resentment is building. And it is understandable. 

I don't see it fixing itself. Her refusal to do anything isn't helping. And I doubt the shock of getting divorce papers will help. It will probably make her bitter and angry.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gladiator7 said:


> EleGirl,
> 
> 
> She says she suffers from depression.


She says that she suffers from depression but she is not getting any help for it?

So back off the requests for sex. Let her know that you are very concerned about her, how tired she is, etc. And get her to a doctor for her depression. If she will let you go with her do go.

When my husband wen to a doctor with his depression he let me be in there with the doctor. It was a good thing because my husband glossed things over. I was able to tell the doc what I was seeing. It really helped.

Remember the in sickness and in health? Well this is the sickness part. If she is suffering from depression then she is sick. Concentrate on that first.

Now anti-depressants can be an issue because some cause a dope in libido. Wellbutrin is a good one that can actually increase libido.

Is this the first time she’s been depressed? Or has she experienced periods of depression before the baby? Even before you two married?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Juicer said:


> He has told her his needs by his own admission.
> So either:
> She is hoping he'll cheat so she can take him to the cleaners
> Or
> ...


According to the OP, his wife says that she's depressed. The constant complaints of being tired and exhausted, the going off by herself, her inability to do a normal day's worth of work all sound like a pretty bad depression.

The depression has to be take care of first before she can be there for him. If she is seriously depressed she cannot even be there for herself right now.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

About the depression. If she refuses to go get help for it, then there is nothing you can do. 

You are the primary care taker of your baby. File for divorce and ask her to leave.

There is a chance that filing might wake her up.


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

From what I have read Juicer, I don't agree with you there. 

No needs (besides sex are evident in any posts). He has told her his *sexual *needs, but stating that he needs more sex is not sufficient, as there are much greater problems in his marriage!


----------



## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Gladiator7 said:


> Basically, she wanted me to *ask* for sex Saturdays only.


I don't know why your marriage is sexless, but I do know one thing, ASKING for sex on a predetermined day, assigned by the person who's not interested in sex, would have been the tipping point for me; she would never need to worry about me pursuing sex with her again.

You need to make some decisions about where your head is on this thing. Are you ok with coerced sex? Are you ok with her doing it as a duty? Are you ok with her throwing you a bone just enough to keep you happy? If not, then what? Divorce?

If it was me, I would create a tripwire in my mind that would initiate the process of moving on, something like telling myself I won't pursue or mention sex for 3 months, maybe longer, (but at least 3 months), and if no sex is initiated by my wife in that time period I'd end it. I'd also use that time period to start preparing for the end of my marriage.

This sex thing can drag on forever, she throws you some mercy sex, you get happy, she withholds, you pursue, she does the charity sex again, on and on and on, the next thing you know, your an old man wondering where your self esteem and confidence went.

Setup the fail-safe, put together a plan, don't tell her about it (that would defeat the purpose), and prepare to be single.

T


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> These are my thoughts also.
> 
> But what I'm wondering is why?
> A lot of times I read these types of stories on TAM and it sounds cruel.
> Why would a woman purposely do that to a man?


I think this has been covered before, but there are several reasons - loneliness, financial difficulty, "biological clock" (she was in her 30s and seemingly childless prior to marriage), guilt over pre-marital sex are some reasons.

What kills me is that large segments of the population think it's wrong to have sex, live together, etc. before marriage, but think that marriage for selfish reasons is ok.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Tell her you need it once a week or you'll have to consider separation. Lay it on the line now, don't let 20 years go by with this b.s. arrangement.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

For the bait and switch crowd.

She does not need to get married to have a child. She does not need to be married to the father of the child to get child support. She has a job... had one before and after marriage.

There are lots of dynamics in relationships that can lead to the sex life dying down. Something in the relationship changed after they married. The OP needs to figure out what that is.

But first there is the issue of her depression. Nothing will get better till that's handled.


----------



## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

OP's need is more than just sexual needs. He needs to feel cared for, appreciated and loved too, and he's not getting any of it. Often when sex disappears in a marriage, aside of the cases in which one of the couple loses drive, it's also coz it shows that something is very wrong in the relationship. So that worrying about sex not happening anymore is sometimes not just about worrying about one's sexual needs but also sensing something is not really going well, as well as needing to feel respected and cared for.

It's understandable that if your wife is going through some harsh time and has depression, she would be less caring or affectionate and need help. But in the end, she nor anyone can expect her partner to only focus on her and put up with it for a very long time. If you really love her, you need to help her on her depression. And if she really loves you, she needs to overcome that for her own sake and the sake of your marriage. Relationships has to function with both sides, it can't really work if only one sides care in the long term.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

What's all this about the old "bait and switch?" Do men really believe that nonsense? Women don't do that. What happens is feelings of infatuation are much more intense at the beginning of a relationship. Those high dopamine levels wear off the longer a couple has been together. There is nothing calculated about it. At the beginning it is effortless then over time it takes much more effort to keep things going strong. Ideally the other spouse is willing to work at it. What comes easy is much harder later and I don't think a lot of people realize this. The behavior hasn't changed because the man is now trapped right where she wants him. The behavior has changed because the infatuation is gone. I do think a woman and man still has the responsibility to keep putting forth the effort and it is a lousy thing if they aren't, but there is no "bait and switch" thinking.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> OP's need is more than just sexual needs. He needs to feel cared for, appreciated and loved too, and he's not getting any of it. Often when sex disappears in a marriage, aside of the cases in which one of the couple loses drive, it's also coz it shows that something is very wrong in the relationship. So that worrying about sex not happening anymore is sometimes not just about worrying about one's sexual needs but also sensing something is not really going well, as well as needing to feel respected and cared for.
> 
> It's understandable that if your wife is going through some harsh time and has depression, she would be less caring or affectionate and need help. But in the end, she nor anyone can expect her partner to only focus on her and put up with it for a very long time. If you really love her, you need to help her on her depression. *And if she really loves you, she needs to overcome that for her own sake and the sake of your marriage.* Relationships has to function with both sides, it can't really work if only one sides care in the long term.


:iagree:

Reading the OP I get the sense that he is deeply hurt by the fact that she is no longer_ affectionate_ with him.

There is absolutely no reason for two out of three married years to be sexless, and no affection.
I think he has done more that enough.


From my personal experience, in our marriage I place higher value on affection from my wife than actual sex.
I love sex, I've had lots of sex in the past but I chose to get married because I felt that she cared for me in a particular kind of way. She is the type of woman that would rub up on me in public etc. At home sometimes we may not have sex for sometime for whatever reason, but she is ALWAYS affectionate, always touching etc. Never emotionally and physically distant.

What the OP's wife is doing to him can amount to abuse IMO.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

If she's reluctant to seek help for her depression, can you have your pastor/priest talk to her (if you have one?). I'm Catholic and had to start birth control pills this year. I was reluctant to start them, but my priest friend told me that I have a moral obligation to take care of my health. Those words really stuck with me. Being an adult is hard, and taking care of yourself in a time of illness can be hard if you, for whatever reason, don't like the proposed therapy. Hearing that she has a moral obligation might give her the kick she needs. It worked for me!

Good luck to you. The fact that she was once into daily sex is a bit of hope, I think.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

curlysue321 said:


> What's all this about the old "bait and switch?" Do men really believe that nonsense? Women don't do that. What happens is feelings of infatuation are much more intense at the beginning of a relationship. Those high dopamine levels wear off the longer a couple has been together. There is nothing calculated about it. At the beginning it is effortless then over time it takes much more effort to keep things going strong. Ideally the other spouse is willing to work at it. What comes easy is much harder later and I don't think a lot of people realize this. The behavior hasn't changed because the man is now trapped right where she wants him. The behavior has changed because the infatuation is gone. I do think a woman and man still has the responsibility to keep putting forth the effort and it is a lousy thing if they aren't, but there is no "bait and switch" thinking.


:iagree: This happens and because most people have no idea how to maintain the passion in their marriage. It's sad that there is not more support for couples, to teach them how to keep a marriage strong.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

curlysue321 said:


> What's all this about the old "bait and switch?" Do men really believe that nonsense? Women don't do that. What happens is feelings of infatuation are much more intense at the beginning of a relationship. Those high dopamine levels wear off the longer a couple has been together. There is nothing calculated about it. At the beginning it is effortless then over time it takes much more effort to keep things going strong. Ideally the other spouse is willing to work at it. What comes easy is much harder later and I don't think a lot of people realize this. The behavior hasn't changed because the man is now trapped right where she wants him. The behavior has changed because the infatuation is gone. I do think a woman and man still has the responsibility to keep putting forth the effort and it is a lousy thing if they aren't, but there is no "bait and switch" thinking.


HMMM,

I think that it happens when the woman setteled instead of being true to herself and realising that in the courting part of the relationship and moving on.

If your not attracted to your spouce sexualy then you shouldn't marry him. and to pass it off as just how relationships envolve and the other partner should work on it seems even more of a bait and switch.(both people need to work on it equally)

relationships where there is an uneven desire for each other sux! and will eventually cause resentment which usually ends the relationship. 


bait and switch really is I never really desired you I just wanted to be married and foolishly thought things would be different once we were married.


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Gladiator7 said:


> I think the only option would be a divorce since she probably doesn't love me anymore.


That does appear to be your best course of action. 

Lots of women out there in the over 45 category and I've been surprised, almost shocked to find that their sex drives are much higher than my own. And they've got the experience to boot.

There IS life after divorce especially in the areas that are currently lacking for you.


----------



## MAB1220 (Dec 23, 2012)

I just want to add two thing from my personal experience. No matter how sexy you find your wife if she does not like her own body she will not feel sexy no matter what you say and it is pointless to get angry with her for being unable to see herself as you see her.

Second have realistic expectations. Porn is acting. I don't expect my husband to turn into a vampire or a super-hero so I would appreciate if he didn't want me to be Jenna Jamison. I wish he would appreciate the fact that I am willing to have sex but also realize I express my enjoyment differently than the women in his movies and also am not in the same physical shape and unable to perform the way they do. Consequently I dread sex because I feel like a failure. 

So appreciate your wife for who she is. Appreciate her willingness for a quickie in the shower instead of complaining about it. Recognize the effort to please you.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

gladiator,

You don't have a wife. You have a roommate

She refuses to seek help and she won't have sex with you

File. If she wakes up, you can always stop the process


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I do think a woman and man still has the responsibility to keep putting forth the effort and it is a lousy thing if they aren't, but there is no "bait and switch" thinking.


I have read enough TAM threads started by people who have done a bait and switch to safely conclude that you are wrong.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I would like to alleviate your pain by telling you it will get better, or it's just a phase where she's more mom than woman and she'll come around. Truth is it usually doesn't get better. This is it. So if you want to be a walking penis zombie like me for the rest of your life...you're doing fine. If you want things to change do something drastic.

I don't recommend my life to any man.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

VAR her car. My spidey senses are acting up. She sounds intelligent enough to leave a difficult to follow trail. Maybe at work????

What state? No fault state?


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

In your original post you said she was always too stressed...

What was that all about?

Does she keep emotions inside with passive aggression and abusive retaliation (i.e. no sex for you)?

Just wanted to touch on this and see what you think. I like to ask questions when I jump into a thread.


----------



## onlythelonley (Feb 4, 2013)

Ive been in the same boat for several years now,been married 23 years and dont know exactly where it began but weve been seperated 3 times in the last 5 years and Ive been in two other relationships which I broke off and each time she took me back and things were always great for about 2 or 3 months and then she gets tired of me again.I started suspecting her of having an affair a year ago and still feel it may be the case,not saying its the case with you.:scratchhead:


----------

