# Sick to my stomach when my step son is around.



## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

I really need some help here please. This may be a little long but bare with me
I have been married to a wonder man for 5 years. We have sons from previous marriages. Both the are 16. 
My son: Has a job, license, plays football, all A’s, pays his own bills ect…
His son: No job, no license, doesn’t do anything all day. Spoiled rotten by his mom (whom live a block away)
Now I am by NO means saying my son is perfect. He gets an attitude just like every other teenager. He can be rude sometimes, but I put him in his place when he does. I refuse to raise a brat. 
Last night at my sons first football game all I heard from my step-son was how “awesome” he (stepson) is. How much better he is than my son. How much better he could do than the other football players. (he doesn’t even play, he used to like 5 years ago). My husband just sits there and feeds him. Tells him “yea”. 
My son didn’t get any playing time as he is only a Junior this year and they are playing the seniors. But I am so proud of him, he works SO hard at practice every day and his landscaping job every day. And to hear them bashing him really hurts me. I told my husband I want to go talk to someone. (therapist). I told him I actually have to take Valium to deal with my step-son and how arrogant his is. His response was “I wish I had valium to deal with your son”. I said what does he do to you? The worst thing he does is not move out of his way sometimes. Give me a break! He gets so defensive when I try to talk to him about his son. He starts bashing my son.
I don’t know what else to do. He needs to step up and be a dad. He has NO problem raising his voice to my son, but I have never heard him raise his voice to his own son. He said we will sit down and talk to his son. I really doubt that is going to


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Sounds like you're both defensive of your own sons and have put your anger on the other child. Though you more than your husband. 

You're never going to win a game of "my son is better than yours" with another parent and I would leave as soon as my partner acted like they didn't like my child. 

Mine is about the same age, the second anyone said what you have said about your SS I would show them the door. It doesn't matter if he has a job or plays football or brags sometime. 

Unless you can manage your own feelings I don't see how the marriage will work. You've made it your son vs his son and that's just not fair or productive to any relationship


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

That wasn't terribly long, and a few more details might be helpful. what are the schedules like? Who lives where when? Also is there any drug use? American football? Does your son have his own car?

A 16 year old who hasn't played in 5 years has had some major change a long time ago. Did the divorce end his sports participation?

At this point I would say that The kids are having way too much impact on your marriage. Not that you should ignore them, but 16 year olds make most of their own decisions. It's practicing to be an adult. You let them make their choices, and you let them experience the consequences. And (this is the important part) you let it all roll off you like water off a ducks back. You are taking way too much personal responsibility for a pair of almost adults.


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## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

I know I am taking this WAY to personal. BUT when you cant sit and enjoy your sons game without hearing crap the whole game and without his father stepping in and telling him to zip it, it gets old real quick. 
We have my son all the time. We have his son every other week. 
My son has his own truck. He works during the day in the summer. Then has football. Starting Monday its school, when football is over it will be work after school. So we really only see him on weekends if hes not with friends. 
When its the weeks his son is over he is following him around like a puppy.
I know I am sounding very mean. But it is something you really have to experience. He is not a child. Like you said, he can make his own choices, and he chooses to be rude and arrogant. I find it hard to be around someone like that. Specially when their father does nothing about it. 
Had nothing to do with the divorce. He played sports when I met him. He was rude to the players and coaches then to. Telling them they sucked, that he was better than them ect...


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

There comes a point where therapy is no longer a negotiating point.

If your husband is allowing his son to badmouth your son in front of you, there's a huge dysfunction issue there. His father may feel bad correcting him because he feels bad for his son and knows his son is venting his frustration with himself, but in my view, it's disrespectful to you and your marriage. 

This may be more controversial, but his father should be teaching him some masculine virtue, that if he doesn't like his life, it's his responsibility to stop the idle talk and change it. No more time wasted talking about all the things he "could" do, only what he has done. It's his father's responsibility to set the conditions for living under his roof in peace, and that includes getting a job.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'll refer to your husband and his son as Big Douche Bag and Little Douche Bag.

Your husband is one of those idiot parents who wants to be his kid's 'buddy' rather than be the person who sets the right example and encourages him to grow and be the best person he can be. Idiot parents are everywhere - they usually have kids* just like your husband's son* - arrogant, lazy, no ambition, self-entitled, rude and over-indulged by their idiot parents. It won't be too long before your husband is buying this kid a car and making excuses for why the kid can't afford gas and insurance and upkeep on it so you'll be forking over that money, too.

And that will just be the beginning of many years of over-indulgence. Lucky, lucky you.

I'd tell big Douche Bag and Little douche Bag to stay the hell home next time your son has a game.


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## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

I agree. He was hellbent on my son getting a job when he turned 16. Now that his son his 16, he kind of just blows it off. Why get a job when he gets everything he wants.


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## casey.ree (Aug 25, 2017)

That's funny, cause he calls him little buddy


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

In all likelihood, your son has more flaws than you are willing to see.

In all likelihood his son has more positives than you are willing to see.

These kinds of dynamics rarely are as one-sided as the picture you paint. Your husband's side of the story would probably sound very different from yours.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

zookeeper said:


> In all likelihood, your son has more flaws than you are willing to see.
> 
> In all likelihood his son has more positives than you are willing to see.
> 
> These kinds of dynamics rarely are as one-sided as the picture you paint. Your husband's side of the story would probably sound very different from yours.


Exactly and it's hypocritical for you to say you don't like him talking bad about your son while you talk bad about his.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Exactly and it's hypocritical for you to say you don't like him talking bad about your son while you talk bad about his.


There's room for candid conversation in a marriage. There has to be. If they need to have a frank discussion about their kids' behavior, that can be done in private. If they need to talk about it on a discussion forum, it's not pretty, but so be it.

That's very different from one parent allowing the child to trash the other parent's child in front of the parent. Assuming that's really what's going on, to me, that signals a very bad dynamic where the father hasn't made it clear that she is his wife and his son is his child and open disrespect for her and her son is open disrespect for him. Period. Non-negotiable. (Presumably, her son isn't getting away with the same thing. Hopefully, he is living his own life and isn't dwelling on his step-brother.)

To me, treating each other with respect is always a separate issue from who is right and who is wrong. If you're mad at me about the way I handled something, we can talk about that, but you're not going to curse at me or run around badmouthing me to friends and family behind my back, etc.

The separate issue is the father enabling the under-achieving son's self-delusion about being an undiscovered football great. The father could do a lot to shut this down by informing his son that since he knows he has so much potential on the field and has plenty of free time, he is now joining the team. When he cries foul, it's a good time for some much-needed talk about achievement versus running your mouth.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Telling a parent that you need Valium to deal with their child is not productive conversation and her hatred very likely shows through to this boy. 

The whole "how dare he think he is better than my son who is clearly better than him in all ways" is hypocritical. 
She is biased, he is biased. 

You just can't be in a relationship with someone who hates your kid. At least I couldn't be.


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## a_mister (Aug 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Telling a parent that you need Valium to deal with their child is not productive conversation and her hatred very likely shows through to this boy.
> 
> The whole "how dare he think he is better than my son who is clearly better than him in all ways" is hypocritical.
> She is biased, he is biased.
> ...


I agree that that's not the way to say it - and I think that if she's "sick to her stomach" over this, that speaks to an issue about her own coping.

However, I don't know all the background to this, on either side, or how much nonsense might have led up to that level of frustration. The situation could be much more balanced or much more one-sided than we're hearing. The earlier questions about custody, drug use, the divorce, why the stepson stopped playing football in the first place, etc., are all valid questions.

I might be biased by my previous experience of assuming that a long-term girlfriend's grievances with her ex-husband's family were needlessly dramatic, only to find out that it was all actually far crazier than she'd let on and that she had refrained from mentioning the family's drug abuse, threats of violence, and mental illness out of embarrassment. Things are definitely being left out, but I can't be sure if she's being unfair or polite.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

a_mister said:


> I agree that that's not the way to say it - and I think that if she's "sick to her stomach" over this, that speaks to an issue about her own coping.
> 
> However, I don't know all the background to this, on either side, or how much nonsense might have led up to that level of frustration. The situation could be much more balanced or much more one-sided than we're hearing. The earlier questions about custody, drug use, the divorce, why the stepson stopped playing football in the first place, etc., are all valid questions.
> 
> *I might be biased by my previous experience of assuming that a long-term girlfriend's grievances with her ex-husband's family were needlessly dramatic, only to find out that it was all actually far crazier than she'd let on and that she had refrained from mentioning the family's drug abuse, threats of violence, and mental illness out of embarrassment. Things are definitely being left out, but I can't be sure if she's being unfair or polite.*


Maybe though someone who says she's sick to her stomach and talks about her step-son's faults so openly would be less likely to leave out serious, actual problems IMO. 

She doesn't like the kid. She thinks her kid is better. She is doing exactly what she doesn't like her husband doing and has turned things into a her son vs his son war.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Maybe though someone who says she's sick to her stomach and talks about her step-son's faults so openly would be less likely to leave out serious, actual problems IMO.
> 
> She doesn't like the kid. She thinks her kid is better. She is doing exactly what she doesn't like her husband doing and has turned things into a her son vs his son war.


Correct me if I'm wrong but she said this in an anonymous forum. He said it to her face.

You seem to pick a side and go very black and white with your answers.

I bet the truth is somewhere in the middle. 

The number one reason for a second divorce is the kids from the first marriage.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ButtPunch said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong but she said this in an anonymous forum. He said it to her face.
> 
> You seem to pick a side and go very black and white with your answers.
> 
> ...


She said to his face that she needs valium to deal with his son. 

_ I told him I actually have to take Valium to deal with my step-son and how arrogant his is_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She said to his face that she needs valium to deal with his son.
> 
> _ I told him I actually have to take Valium to deal with my step-son and how arrogant his is_


That tells me nothing except that there is a huge disconnect between the two concerning their kids.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ButtPunch said:


> That tells me nothing except that there is a huge disconnect between the two concerning their kids.


You said that she said it on a forum and he said it to her face. I'm pointing out that she also said it to his face. 

Quite frankly I wouldn't care about a disconnect, if someone hated my kid I would leave. It is a black and white issue for me. Kids sense these things, they sense hate and conflict and step-parents who put their own kids first. Both of the kids in this situation, not just his son, are mixed up in this. 

If anyone said those words about my son they would be gone. No second thoughts, no working on things. 

She's upset that he was bragging about the football skills, she is bragging about her son being better at - everything - 
She's upset that her husband gets defensive of his son and puts hers down, she gets defensive of her son and puts his down. 
She is doing the same things she is upset about them doing and it has become a his son vs her son battle.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

casey.ree said:


> Last night at my sons first football game all I heard from my step-son was how “awesome” he (stepson) is. How much better he is than my son. How much better he could do than the other football players. (he doesn’t even play, he used to like 5 years ago). My husband just sits there and feeds him. Tells him “yea”.
> My son didn’t get any playing time as he is only a Junior this year and they are playing the seniors. But I am so proud of him, he works SO hard at practice every day and his landscaping job every day. And to hear them bashing him really hurts me. I told my husband I want to go talk to someone. (therapist). I told him I actually have to take Valium to deal with my step-son and how arrogant his is. His response was “I wish I had valium to deal with your son”. I said what does he do to you? The worst thing he does is not move out of his way sometimes. Give me a break! He gets so defensive when I try to talk to him about his son. He starts bashing my son.
> I don’t know what else to do. He needs to step up and be a dad. He has NO problem raising his voice to my son, but I have never heard him raise his voice to his own son. He said we will sit down and talk to his son. I really doubt that is going to


Do you ACTUALLY have to take valium to deal with your stepson? Or was this just you being frustrated and dramatic for effect? What are your interactions like with your stepson, do you two get along? You cannot be nasty about the stepson or you are just being hypocritical, and it does not solve anything. How do your H and your son get along?

Your husband is out of line allowing the stepson to bad mouth your son in front of you, this is something that should not be tolerated, from either kid. I agree with ShesStillGotIt that your H is more worried about being his son's buddy than his dad. A kid like this needs boundaries, and they need to be enforced consistently. He is also out of line if he yells at your son, but never his own. Let him know that isnt acceptable, then follow through on not tolerating that. Sounds to me like you would benefit from some family counseling. Your stepson sounds lost and entitled and your husband isnt doing anything about it. You need to find a way to discuss these things with your husband without being confrontational, and see if you can get to the bottom of why he allows the disrespect to you and why he doesnt parent his own child.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Do you ACTUALLY have to take valium to deal with your stepson? Or was this just you being frustrated and dramatic for effect? What are your interactions like with your stepson, do you two get along? You cannot be nasty about the stepson or you are just being hypocritical, and it does not solve anything. How do your H and your son get along?
> 
> Your husband is out of line allowing the stepson to bad mouth your son in front of you, this is something that should not be tolerated, from either kid. I agree with ShesStillGotIt that your H is more worried about being his son's buddy than his dad. A kid like this needs boundaries, and they need to be enforced consistently. He is also out of line if he yells at your son, but never his own. Let him know that isnt acceptable, then follow through on not tolerating that. Sounds to me like you would benefit from some family counseling. Your stepson sounds lost and entitled and your husband isnt doing anything about it. You need to find a way to discuss these things with your husband without being confrontational, and see if you can get to the bottom of why he allows the disrespect to you and why he doesnt parent his own child.


I think this is very good advice and i think marital counseling is in order. 

There is quite an obvious breakdown in communication here.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, SS is certainly making poor decisions. But, that's not your problem, or your responsibility, And even if you did try to fix it he wouldn't listen to you. I hereby absolve you of any responsibility for your stepson. Now can you absolve yourself?
Telling your husband how to raise his son is also very likely to be ineffective, and will hurt your relationship. You have got to Let It Go, or it will continue to eat you up.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

This so sad. The step son is crying out for love following dad "like a puppy." I'm sure I wouldn't be comfortable living with a seething step monster in need of heavy drugs. As a young man in need of fatherly guidance, he's pushing boundaries. Yet he has none. This doesn't help him.

I think you ought to HELP HIM and that starts with having a much better attitude. You and DH need to present a united front to both boys. 

The kid sounds arrogant but is probably overcompensating cuz he feels terrible about himself. You don't help him feel any better, I imagine. Why are you silently fuming over there? How about gentle nice questions like, I bet you are great at football; why aren't you playing anymore? (Why isn't he playing anymore?!)

I don't have step kids but I don't mind correcting kids under my watch, in a very nice way. But I love them first and foremost. It's what non-bratty people do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

casey.ree said:


> I agree. He was hellbent on my son getting a job when he turned 16. Now that his son his 16, he kind of just blows it off. Why get a job when he gets everything he wants.



How old was your stepson when his parents divorced?

You say that when your stepson is at your house, he follows his father around like a small child. Part of the issue might be that his son only gets to see his father about 4 days a month. When that sort of limited schedule is in place, the parent often does not discipline their child because there is hardly enough time to bond or do any kind of relationship building.

Often times a kid will stop growing emotionally after a big emotional trauma. It sounds like your stepson is arrested emotionally... so my guess is that the divorce hit him hard and he's not rebounded yet. It's too bad that his parent's don't seem to want to, or know how, to help him.. 

To be honest, you also don't seem to know how to help this kid either. 

If your husband will not go to counseling, then maybe you should go to learn how to deal with this situation.

I have a lot of experience with step kids since I raised two of them.. two very hard kids to raise. IMO, the best thing you could do in this situation is for you gain the confidence of your step son. He probably feels displaced by your son. He lost his father. In his eyes, your son now has his father.. so he's been replaced. What an awful thing for a kid to have to deal with .

Yes I know, your son is wonderful and he does not have the same problems. People are individuals. Deal with them as individuals.

Does your step son do drugs? Does he steal, shoplift, etc? Does he get in fights and beat people up? 

Look I get that your son is being a more productive person. But your stepson is still a child. And you are an adult who needs to be able to find a way to blend your family. Or you might be better off just leaving your marriage.


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