# What changes did you make in your marriage after infidelity?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am curious whether you are the BS or the cheater what changes did you impliment, if you stayed in the marriage, in order to make the marriage (hopefully) better?

For us better communication with the help of MC...still a work in progress but nonetheless better than what it was for years. I grew up on a home with bad communication so I brought that into my marriage...which was frustrating for H as he would want to discuss things and I would brush the issues under the rug.

As well I started going on H's motorcycle with him..and I love it. For years I never did that..he would ask and I would say no..my sister hinted to me that I should go with him as it is something we can enjoy together. I realized that we have to do more things together as a couple.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

highwood said:


> I am curious whether you are the BS or the cheater what changes did you impliment, if you stayed in the marriage, in order to make the marriage (hopefully) better?
> 
> For us better communication with the help of MC...still a work in progress but nonetheless better than what it was for years. I grew up on a home with bad communication so I brought that into my marriage...which was frustrating for H as he would want to discuss things and I would brush the issues under the rug.
> 
> As well I started going on H's motorcycle with him..and I love it. For years I never did that..he would ask and I would say no..my sister hinted to me that I should go with him as it is something we can enjoy together. I realized that we have to do more things together as a couple.


After DDay, I made an appointment with a counselor to learn how to communicate better. We were, or so I thought. 

Still, I found more lies and deception every month even while in counseling. 

I am lucky in that someone who knows him is outing him on a continuous basis. I don't know who it is but I am grateful because thus far every anonymous email has been true. 

During months of a new recovery I too went on his motorcycle. I did not like them for safety reasons and so many people end up as paraplegics after a motorcycle accident, or worse brain damaged. So I was fearful of them. But I went anyway to please him. 

Also, I agreed to allow him to by a Lamborghini something we really can not afford but something he always wanted. 

I allowed it because one of his complaints was that I was like his mother restricting his spending. 

I only restricted his spending because truthfully we can not afford a lot of the things he wants to buy and he can be very grandiose in his desires for things. 

He also has need to impress other. I could care less about impressing others. 

Still, right in the middle of what seemed to be a three month great recovery. An anonymous email of him getting a lap dance at a men's bar shows up in my email inbox. 

I'm done compromising and pleasing. 

It seems I am doing all the real giving while he is just ACTING remorseful. 

I'm done.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I didn't compromise on anything. Not because am fundamentally opposed to idea of meeting your SO needs, but cause her affair made it for me a non-option for a long time.

I was going to divorce, she convinced me to stay. For years prior, there was a thousand things I did wrong in her eyes, but somehow now none of that ever comes up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Right now... still working on everything. But the one thing we BOTH did, which was the big thing that contributed to our EAs.... we quit playing World of Warcraft! Huge breeding ground for EAs, which have occasionally (for others) turned into PAs. Neither of us wanted the temptation, so we quit.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I ended it.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I was the one who cheated. I looked into myself - with the help of people here I really studied the how and why I fell into an EA. I figured out a lot about myself. I realized that I had become an arrogant insufferable ass and that the way I treated my wife was the very thing shutting down the intimacy between us that I was so enthralled with with my AP. I changed the way I treat my wife - I treat her like an equal now (I used to treat her like child) - so she can love me as a wife and we can share the intimacy that I didn't know I wanted before my EA. 

She changed some things to. She's more expressive, understands that I'm much needier that I've always portrayed myself and tries to fill those needs. I don't want to speak for her - maybe she'll chime in.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

morituri said:


> I ended it.


Me too.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Also, I limit contact with people I KNOW are men. Here, I will likely get responses from men, but I don't go seeking attention from them. DH has access to all of this as well, so he can see all I post and everything, if he so chooses.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

morituri said:


> I ended it.


and me


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## X-unknown (Oct 14, 2011)

snap said:


> I didn't compromise on anything. Not because am fundamentally opposed to idea of meeting your SO needs, but cause her affair made it for me a non-option for a long time.
> 
> I was going to divorce, she convinced me to stay. For years prior, there was a thousand things I did wrong in her eyes, but somehow now none of that ever comes up.


I had the same deal. When she was affairing (not a real word) I had an unlimited list of things that bothered her. When she got caught everything I did was wonderful and would often end in a cry fest - which she said was because of the shame.

Couples therapy is helping us in two main ways. Getting the affair stuff addressed *I'm still working on that. External unrelated issues that are making our marriage difficult. Family, kids, finances, work and so on.

I guess the main change is we are asking for outside help. 

We are talking more / better with each other.

And obviously - she is not having an affair.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

X-unknown said:


> I had the same deal. When she was affairing (not a real word) I had an unlimited list of things that bothered her. When she got caught everything I did was wonderful


This is what happened to me, too. 

During my cheater husband's affair, everything that he liked about me seemed to bother him. 

He complained about my independence where once he bragged about it. 

He complained about the fact that I was not a big spender, where once he bragged about it. He complained that I was too intellectual where once he told me he loved the fact that I was intellectually curious. 

He complained about the fact that I just liked the simple things in life, where once he bragged about what a wonderful low maintenance wife I was.

I.E. he complained that I would rather cook at home than go to an overpriced restaurant. He took the OW to those types of restaurants. 

Now, he is always complimenting my cooking and claims he would rather eat in than out. And all the other things he complained about are no longer an issue and he seems to like those traits again


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Spent HUGE amounts of time one-on-one: hired a babysitter once or twice a week; went on a business trip with him; try to go to lunch at his workplace once a week; take advantage of grandparents whenever they are around to go out for a drink or movies or what have you.

Made a point of having sex as much as he will say yes. Asked him to wake me up to have sex if he likes.

Text throughout the day now to share what we're doing.

Said absolutely no to porn, zero, none, nada. It might have been ok in the past (he would look a couple of times a month) but I felt in my heart this had to go. Changed the computer so it can't do inprivate browsing.

Asked him to refrain from masturbating as much as possible and to wait and seek sexual satisfaction from me--told him I wouldn't turn him down (and I haven't).

Researched therapists in our area to find someone trained in infidelity; we've had two sessions

Insisted my H attend IC (but he still hasn't set up the appointment...)

I attended IC (went for 6 weeks, released because I'm handling it fine)

Expressed lots of tenderness to him--I forced myself to do this even when I was super angry and just trying to understand what had happened. I give him a massage, learned how to make his coffee the way he likes it so he doesn't have to buy it, make sure there's a decent dinner on the table, pick up his dry cleaning and do his laundry (yep, he used to do those things for himself!). 

Make sure the house is cleaner, wash the dishes, etc.

Trying to continue to work on myself (the 180 'light') as I have been for the past 3 years...but needless to say, coping with the affair discovery just 3 mos. ago kinda knocked me off the rails.

Read the 5 Love Languages, learned he likes to hear words of affirmation (easy to throw in to every day conversation) and receive acts of service (see above). I tell him he's our dragon slayer protecting our family by earning the money, how much I deeply appreciate that, that it's my privilege to do small errands, etc. for him so that he can concentrate on work.

Still need to get him to complete the His Needs and Love Busters questionnaires, they are very long and he didn't want to do them.

If I think of anything else, I will modify the post.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

She divorced me.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

We both go to IC.
We have date/movie night at home every Saturday.
We have family fame night every Friday.
We are more open, he tells me what is bugging him and I do the same.
We text when he is on break.
We try to go out on a date 1 a month and get a room for the night.
I take 1 day a week for me, I dont do anything that do no cooking or cleaning. I go shopping or take a little drive some place.
He made me a book that he writes in every day, it's full of love quotes and love letters.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

My husband cheated. We worked very hard to recover, but it was not easy. D Day was 5 years ago. We have date nights and make sure to get a sitter for the kids. The little things don't matter, anymore. I don't get angry and upset over things that don't really matter. 

I'm very conscious of the things I used to do (and not do) that were a problem for him. I'm better in touch with myself these days.

He is extremely attentive, loving, understanding, and caring.  He does things with me that he knows I enjoy. We spend alot more time together. We laugh alot. We have alot of fun.

Our marriage is better today than it ever was before the affair. We have very strong boundaries relating to the opposite sex. We have many couples friends, but there are boundaries that relate to each of us individually with any of our friends.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I had an EA and since then, almost a year now, I have made a lot of changes within myself with help from coming to TAM. I've learned what caused me to stray and I am now being very present in order to not allow any kind of affair to to happen again. 

Things are a little better between us, but my wife is still not certain about a future together. There is still a lot of hurt she's dealing with. We had a number of communication issues and conflict resolution issues unrelated to my EA, so there's still a long ways to go if we continue on.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

transparency...i had to account for just about every second of my day. i had to call him at work every 2 hours, he called me every hour.

i couldnt be annoyed by any of this, it was important to him, if i sighed, or snapped at him about how i have better things to do than fill him in my day...

he would have left me cold. i couldnt open an email account, or facebook account. he had to do it for me. i still have my same email, and facebook accounts he set up years ago.

i couldnt erase phone logs, voice mails, text messages, until he had a fair chance to see them. i have to tell him about every guy who asked me for my number, or whatever.

i didnt really NEED to, but as part of being honest and up front and not "ommiting" information. oh, receipts all receipts for food, clothes, gas station, liquor store [not a store that only sells liquor, but chips, gum, candy, pop, bread, popular t-shirts, hats, sunglasses, watches...]

every and all mall receipts, bus transfers...anything that showed a time and location as proof. im not sure what other things we used to do that we dont anymore.

and since our communication was our undoing, we have been taking steps over the last 15+ years to talk, and be understood, and to understand the other person.

we still have a lot to uncover and talk about, but we are working at making it better. we have time for us to talk, and a better understanding of our own mindsets, to better convey how we feel etc.


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