# Frustrated with wife



## jw999 (Apr 14, 2010)

I have become completely frustrated dealing my wife lately. We have been married almost 8 years. All she does is complain and yell that no one ever helps her and she does all the work with the house and the kids. We have 3 kids, 7,4 and 1. I spend over 12 hours a day at work or on the way to work. I always try to help out with dishes or laundry as much as I can and I always help with the kids. On the weekends I am with the kids by 7 while my wife sleeps until 10 or 11. My wife doesn't do laundry or dishes or take the trash out every day, but she does do them a few times a week. She expects me to do whatever there is to be done. She refuses to make a list of chores we divide up because she says that is for kids and I am an adult and should see what needs to be done and do it. I know it is hard to be with the kids all day, but I work too and I would like a little down time. When I have done something she generally just complains that I did a horrible job. We went to counseling once, but she wouldn't go back because she didn't want to spend the money. Everything has to be her way all the time or it is wrong. Any advice would be much appreciated.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

refusal to make a chore list is abusive - stop being a doormat. 

MAKE UP a fair chores list and do your part. If she doesn't do hers let it pile up and in fact explain that if she refuses to be a good partner you are going to start CUTTING BACK on what you do - NOT doing more to pick up her slack. 

Her job is hard with the kids at this age - but PLENTY of women find a fair balance and don't try to turn their men into seven by 24 hour servants. The real issue here is her lack of respect for you. Be assertive or you will find this only gets worse. 

When she says something ridiculous and/or mean just be silent. Wait for her to retract it. If she doesn't don't respond and walk out of the room. If she follows you - and gets loud - leave the house and go for a drive. When you return if she resumes sharply say "stop" and then explain that when she apologizes for being disrespectful conversation can resume and not until. And then stick to that. If she goes into why you were wrong again - just shrug and walk away. But ONLY do this when she is being over the top and/or disrespectful. Not when she is just being annoying - everyone is annoying at times. 

And the key key key thing is "don't get angry" - when she behaves badly that is ABOUT HER - not about you. You stay calm and refuse to respond to comments that are not appropriate. You don't have to explain or justify yourself if she is being abusive. 

If you aren't careful you are going to have a world class bully on your hands. If you both get up early every day - I would insist she get up one of the two weekend mornings - but hey that is just me. 




jw999 said:


> I have become completely frustrated dealing my wife lately. We have been married almost 8 years. All she does is complain and yell that no one ever helps her and she does all the work with the house and the kids. We have 3 kids, 7,4 and 1. I spend over 12 hours a day at work or on the way to work. I always try to help out with dishes or laundry as much as I can and I always help with the kids. On the weekends I am with the kids by 7 while my wife sleeps until 10 or 11. My wife doesn't do laundry or dishes or take the trash out every day, but she does do them a few times a week. She expects me to do whatever there is to be done. She refuses to make a list of chores we divide up because she says that is for kids and I am an adult and should see what needs to be done and do it. I know it is hard to be with the kids all day, but I work too and I would like a little down time. When I have done something she generally just complains that I did a horrible job. We went to counseling once, but she wouldn't go back because she didn't want to spend the money. Everything has to be her way all the time or it is wrong. Any advice would be much appreciated.


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Only thing to add to MEM's great advice - Since you agreed to have kids, you are responsible for them even when she's slacking off. Do what NEEDS to be done to make sure your kids know that they are taken care of.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with everything Mem11363 just said. What he describes is similar to unhealthy "Boundary" issues in your marraige. She sounds like she is pushing them heavily on you - and you have allowed this to go on -for too long, it has become a way of life, and of coarse you are building resentment towards her, your marraige. 

I have never read this book below but have the other Boundary book by these authors, truly truly helpful in understanding sometimes we simply must say NO! Even to those we love & cherish. 

Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (0025986243142): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Well said - yes - kids must be well cared for

p\\\\OTE=nice777guy;142279]Only thing to add to MEM's great advice - Since you agreed to have kids, you are responsible for them even when she's slacking off. Do what NEEDS to be done to make sure your kids know that they are taken care of.[/QUOTE]


----------



## jw999 (Apr 14, 2010)

I wanted to thank everyone for their answers. I think I phrased part of it wrong, taking care of the kids isn't a problem for me. I am more than happy to spend time with my kids.


----------



## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

usually if she is taking it out on the house work and yelling maybe there is something deeper she is up set about?

you sound like you do your fair share but maybe that is not what she is upset about? that may be the safest thing to bi*ch about...

just a thought


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

jw - didn't mean to imply that you weren't taking care of the kids - just to emphasize that, when it comes to them, do what needs to be done regardless of how all of the other duties are divided or regardless of what your spouse is or isn't doing..


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Mem's advice is great, but you need to stop talking about "helping" and accept that the household is as much your responsibility as it is hers, and you tackle it together or not at all.

No one rests 'til everyone (both of you) rest.

Please look at my suggestions here: 



> Actually, I think one of the real issue is that you are both sleep-deprived. No one should be getting up 2-3 times/night with an 8 month old unless the baby is sick. I breastfed two babies (both premies) and I know that by the time they are 8 months old, they are physically able to sleep through the night. I was unwilling to "sleep train" my 2nd one so we went years with disrupted sleep. It does very unpleasant things to your psyche (there are studies on it). It doesn't matter how long you are up each time as much as how many hours of sleep you get in a row, undisturbed. Seriously consider sleep-training the baby and then deal with the other issues.
> 
> I do not agree at all that you are much doing more than your fair share. I think you would be better off-as a couple--if you did some chores together (although the kids will always want her to help if she's involved, so getting them used to asking for/accept each of you even if she's around is essential). It's great for your kids that you are so involved, so maybe you and she could share non-kid tasks--make dinner together, fold laundry together, those kinds of things. She can take her free time when you are taking care of the kids (she probably doesn't eat with you b/c of the kids wanting her help if she does).
> 
> ...


I think this applies a lot to you and your wife--too much to do, and not enough time/sleep/energy.

Tackling tasks together will help: laundry, kids' baths and bed time, anything that you can do together, you should. Remember, though, YOU must answer the kids' demands for help, etc., even when they call for mommy--at least 50% of the time--bc otherwise doing things together becomes you "helping" her and all the burden remains on her. Don't let the kids wear her down anymore or she will resent you. 

Good luck. Take a stand, demonstrate a new way--gently but firmly, calmly but insistently--and change can come. 

Good luck.


----------

