# My husband has let himself go



## luvinhim

And I find myself looking at other men who are the body type I
find sexy and attractive.

My husband knows that i have never been attractive to fat men. He wasn't fat when we met and married. 

I still have sex with him, but I am never hot and bothered or sexually attracted to him. I usually think about how good the orgasm will be or I am picturing someone else while we are having sex.

I hate feeling this way. I want a man i am physically attracted to. I want to look at him and feel :bounce::bounce: hot and bothered.

My husband says that i am shallow for feeling this way; but i think he should try to do something about his appearance to please me.

Am I wrong?


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## Holland

What would happen if you let yourself go (assuming you haven't)? Would he lose attraction?
How fat is he?

I can handle physical changes in my partner as long as it is withing small tolerance levels, eg if he put on 5-10kgs I would not even notice but if he put on more than 10kgs then it would be a different issue.

No you are not shallow, you did not marry a fat man so why should you have to live your life with one?

Do you do things together such as exercise, cook good meals, go for a walk after dinner? These things all offer 2 benefits, good health and quality time together.


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## luvinhim

he is over 100 pounds overweight, it affects our intimacy. i did let myself go, but have lost 40 pounds and my blood pressure is down and my dr is happy.

i probably look better than i have in a long time and i feel good also. i do not bug him or try to make him feel bad about it, but i want a good looking man

we do not exercise together, he is to critical, so i like my alone time to zone out on my work outs.


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## AlphaMale74

Sorry to hear this! Marriage is no excuse to let oneself go. How old is he? It may be he is has low testosterone and lacks drive. I'm 41, married, have 4 kids, full time job with rotating shifts and still manage to find the time to workout. Thank god my wife does too!


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## luvinhim

No I am not fat, but I am not skinny. Not to sound shallow, but there are not many men who do not give me a looking at when i
walk past. 

I was overweight and I have been working out to maintain my 40 pound loss.

Yes it is very lonely to think of someone else while making love to your husband.

I read a lot of post of women who find their mates sexy and strong and good looking, I am jealous of thos women,

Our relationship is not in the best place so that affect it too. If we did not have other issues i could probably get past the physical turn off


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## Holland

luvinhim said:


> No I am not fat, but I am not skinny. Not to sound shallow, but there are not many men who do not give me a looking at when i
> walk past.
> 
> I was overweight and I have been working out to maintain my 40 pound loss.
> 
> Yes it is very lonely to think of someone else while making love to your husband.
> 
> I read a lot of post of women who find their mates sexy and strong and good looking, I am jealous of thos women,
> 
> *Our relationship is not in the best place so that affect it too. If we did not have other issues i could probably get past the physical turn off*


and that is the key point. It is not just the weight gain but throw in all the other stuff and yes the weight gain becomes and even bigger issue.


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## luvinhim

intheory said:


> "Compare and despair" :wink2:
> 
> But I'm going to ask you again; what will you do if this never changes?
> 
> And, what will you do if the other problem areas improve; but he never gets in shape again?
> 
> I agree with you and @Holland, him being overweight is annoying you more because of the other issues.
> 
> Do you guys communicate at all about the other problems?


we are communicating about our problems with a counselor. if this area does not approve i guess i just lust after other men forever.


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## thread the needle

Tell him what you told us. He needs to know calling you shallow is not working for you. If it's a deal killer for you, he needs to know that also. 

You can go so far as to trial separate to get the point across that it's get your **** together once and for all or you are leaving for a better life


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## tornado

Tell him if he loses the 100 lbs his Winkie will be two inches longer.


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## EVG39

No, you are not wrong. We are not talking about 15-20 lbs., you say he is 100 pounds overweight. Ouch!
This is now way beyond an attraction issue. He is obese, perhaps fitting the criteria of morbidly obese. Here is what you guys are looking at with this condition:
He is at high risk for diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, reflux, gallstones, arthritis, cancer and of course heart disease.
So this is how I would approach him. Not on the attraction issue, but as a caring wife very concerned about her husband's serious health condition. I would persuade him to schedule a Dr's appointment and you absolutely go with him. Any doc worth his or her salt will scare his pants off in a way you probably can't. They will tell him what he needs to do.Then you and he work the program together. And get some third parties involved so that he is to be accountable to someone other than you . That can be weight watchers, a trainer, a nutritionist ,etc. and most importantly the doc as well. Let them be the "bad guy". Make it a team effort and make it all about him. Appeal to his self interest.
What have you got to lose? What you are doing now isn't working. Sad to say right now both he and your marriage are its way to an early grave.


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## rich84

I was once 100+ lbs overweight. I put it on while dating my wife and peaked at the time of our wedding. I could tell that she wasn't ok with it, but she loved me enough to go through with it. It was three years later that I started to see some health consequences and that was the catalyst to make some serious changes. 

I'm now very lean and fit and I exercise harder than pretty much everyone I know. She likes me much better like this and compliments me regularly. It has been a huge confidence booster. It has also given me the confidence to be dissatisfied with our sex life. You see, before I thought I didn't "deserve" to have a good sex life. Fat pieces of crap don't make demands about sex or moisten any panties. Our sex ranks completely flip flopped and now I want what what I felt I didn't deserve before. So be wary there if he does drop the weight. That being said, I feel so grateful to my wife for being patient with me and seeing my potential. I will give her my all because I love her and she said I do at my worst. But if things don't eventually improve I'm prepared mentally to call it and move on. 

Essentially, you are going to have to push this farther than it sounds like you are currently willing. He may or may not respond. I know I tried hundreds of times to lose the weight before I actually was successful. You have to be willing to say to him that the weight is a big enough issue that you cannot stay in the relationship any longer if he doesn't start to make changes. He may do just that. He may do nothing. He may try but fail in the long run. He may resent your push, become successful, and replace you once he reaches his goals. It's a crapshoot. 

But you know that this is not sustainable as is. You know that you are in a vulnerable position with not being attracted to your husband and lusting after other men. You know that your resolve to stay faithful will decline as you grow increasingly disgusted by his physical appearance and his weakness in being helpless to overcome. 

That's the cold hard truth. You can start with the easier approaches like supporting his weight loss by being active with him in a program and cheerleading. But get this. I read a study that only 5% of people with this much weight to lose are successful at losing the weight and keeping it off permanently. Dismal odds. It has to be a complete, permanent lifestyle change. Good luck. I really wish the best for you both.


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## UMP

tornado said:


> Tell him if he loses the 100 lbs his Winkie will be two inches longer.


For real! Even Dr. Oz said so:surprise:
They say every 30 pounds = 1 inch.

I lost 50 pounds and it made a world of difference in that department. Obviously it did not "grow" but it became all that it could be. Not only that, but it gives confidence too.
It's a win win.


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## BetrayedDad

First, do not cheat it never solves anything. I'm not saying you intend to but temptation may present itself. Lust after other men long enough and it's only a matter of time.

Secondly, I would be outraged too if my spouse gained 100 lbs. No, it does not make you shallow. If he does not take your requests to change seriously you may have to issue an ultimatum:

"Husband, I am no longer attracted to you and can not have sex with a fat man. Either you lose the 100+ off your body or you lose a 100+ lbs. when I divorce you." You MUST be blunt.

This is not what you signed up for, it's selfish of him to be a glutton and if you can lose the weight so can he. Your husband is lazy and calls you shallow to blame shift his weight problem.

Some people will only change when they have no choice. In a perfect world, they would do it because they love us. Unfortunately, the world is a lot more selfish and cruel than that.


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## bbdad

I don't understand how people let themselves get that way. It is very unhealthy for him to be that way.

I would try to work with him for the next 6 months to make changes and improve his lifestyle. If he is unwilling to do it for you and himself, then he has indicated his needs of being unhealthy far outweigh your needs - in his mind. You then have to decide if this is something you can live with.


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## Luxey

bbdad said:


> *I don't understand how people let themselves get that way.* It is very unhealthy for him to be that way.
> 
> I would try to work with him for the next 6 months to make changes and improve his lifestyle. If he is unwilling to do it for you and himself, then he has indicated his needs of being unhealthy far outweigh your needs - in his mind. You then have to decide if this is something you can live with.


I did and it was rather easy. Stuff shyte into my gob and not exercise at all. Wedding happened and hey, he's supposed to love me no matter what size I am, right? Well, yes, and he did, he just didn't want to screw me because my ass was the size of a bus. Makes sense.

But at the time, I thought everything was great between us. I'm a fabulous cook, lol. Logic doesn't apply where there's burritos and fries to eat.

It's "easy" to get complacent and let things go.


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## bandit.45

I'm not blaming you for the way you feel. What bothers me is that you seem to care more about how his weight affects his looks rather than what it is doing to his health. His health should be your priority as his spouse...not whether or not he's lighting your fvckfire... that is a secondary issue. 

But don't wait until you end up cheating on him. If he is not willing to get healthy, then tell him that he is in breach of your marital contract and that you will be seeing a lawyer. Divorce him and then go find your Adonis.


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## Mr The Other

If I were to put on 100lb, I would not expect my partner to find me attractive. I would probably not find her attractive if she did the same thing. In normal circumstances, a responsible sppouse will try and remain healthy, if they believe they are of value to the family. Weight is a problem as it makes it harder to tackle the more you fall victim to it. However, a veggie diet and no processed foods and it will cure itself. It is disrespectful to you as well as showing a lack of self-respect.
"Shallow" -FFS.


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## turnera

You don't have to exercise with him, but you CAN institute situations in which he is getting exercise with you. I've read of people who've lost 100 pounds in a year just by walking. So start going on walks together. Start going to local parks together. If you have dogs to walk, so much the better. Go to fairs or museums or flea markets or sporting events...anything where he has to walk around. It will start adding up, AND it will adding one-on-one time, which is essential for improving a marriage. Dr. Harley says you should spend 15-20 hours a week together doing non-work/chore/tv/computer stuff, to keep the love alive. This will serve two purposes.

Oh, and btw, read His Needs Her Needs. In it, Harley describes our top Emotional Needs. Every person is different in what our top ENs are. And physical attraction is definitely a valid one, and often one of the most important ones. Read that section to him.


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## Emerald

He needs a wake-up call for HEALTH reasons not simply because you no longer feel attracted for him.

What does his doctor say about a 100 lb. weight gain? How is his blood pressure? blood work? I agree with the other poster that his health right now should be the issue.


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## Mrs.Submission

luvinhim said:


> No I am not fat, but I am not skinny. Not to sound shallow, but there are not many men who do not give me a looking at when i
> walk past.
> 
> I was overweight and I have been working out to maintain my 40 pound loss.
> 
> Yes it is very lonely to think of someone else while making love to your husband.
> 
> I read a lot of post of women who find their mates sexy and strong and good looking, I am jealous of thos women,
> 
> Our relationship is not in the best place so that affect it too. If we did not have other issues i could probably get past the physical turn off


I don't think that you are being shallow at all. Spouses should still maintain their looks as much as they can. All you can do is let your husband know you feel in a gentle way, encourage him to exercise and buy healthy food. 

My husband and I both put on weight after our first year of marriage. I started exercising to lose the weight while he was being a couch potato. I finally sat down with my husband and told him that his lack of motivation to lose weight was a turn off. I said that I wanted to be with him forever and being attracted to him was an important part of that goal. My husband began to work out and now we are both smaller.


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## staarz21

I just don't get how people can gain that much weight and not do anything about it. I mean, it's not like 20lbs....it's 100lbs!!! You simply can't expect our partner to be okay with that because they love you. OP, you're not shallow. You're human.


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## Marduk

As a man, I'd prefer you to be straight up with me.


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## rich84

intheory said:


> Well, rich, thanks for your honesty; I've gotta hand it to you.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks for providing me with confirmation of some of my beliefs about the perversity of human nature.
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife accepted you before, and for three YEARS after marrying you in an obese state.
> 
> 
> 
> She didn't like you obese and prefers you fitter. That's about as mysterious as 1+1 = 2.
> 
> 
> 
> But now that you are fit and healthy; you are looking for a _possible_ upgrade because the sex isn't to your satisfaction.
> 
> 
> 
> The sex was adequate enough when you were obese, though.
> 
> 
> 
> I wonder. Did you settle for your wife from the beginning? Was she a "Plan B"? She was as good as you thought you could get at that point?
> 
> 
> 
> So, you may have always resented her. "Look what I had to settle for because I'm fat"
> 
> 
> 
> It sounds like you are giving her a chance to meet your new, more demanding sexual standards before you dump her. That's to your credit, I suppose.
> 
> 
> 
> If I sound kind of mean, sorry. Like I said, I appreciate your honesty; even if it kind of makes me feel kind of sick. And I'm sure a lot of people (men and women) do this type of switch. Please don't take my comments too seriously, I kind of approach this whole thing like a biologist looking at bacteria under a microscope.



No hurt feelings. I was trying to be super blunt to illustrate the worst of the situation and the factors at play. I don't think it's as perverse as maybe I made it out to be in my post. 

I didn't settle for my wife. I love her and think she's a hottie and a great person. She was completely out of my league when we got married. Our sex drives are somewhat mismatched, and I've been passive about it in the past due to my insecurities. It wasn't adequate when I was obese, but I felt more or less like I was getting what I deserved. I wasn't attractive. 

Let me be clear. She accepted me, but she did not want to fvck me. Our sex life crapped out early on in our marriage. Weight was a huge factor. It was phenomenally better during our dating when I wasn't AS heavy (say 40 lbs overweight). Now, I've more than fixed that problem and I was hopeful that our sex life would pick up. It didn't. I've tried a myriad of things to improve the situation. I'm working on codependency, nice guy issues, etc. 

Sex has always been important to me, and we did have sex arguments before I lost the weight. But at 100 lbs. overweight I just knew it was crazy to expect high attraction from her. Now that I've lost the weight, I'm in incredible shape, and it's painful that my partner, the only person I can get sexual satisfaction from, isn't all that interested in me sexually. 

I'm working on being a more sexually interesting person and building attractive qualities. I'll give it 110% for as long as I can in order to get there. But I'm not sure that I can cope with this forever. One "side effect" of being really lean is my T is up and my drive is full force. I didn't notice it but I suspect being overweight may have blunted it somewhat. Now the barriers seem to be her insecurities with her body, a lower drive, perhaps my approach regarding being too beta, etc. 

The take aways for the OP that I wanted to convey:
-the odds of this turning around are rough
-he has to really want it and wanting it enough will take a major catalyst
-one usually only changes when one is made uncomfortable in the current situation (equilibrium is disturbed)
-Hence, she has to be willing to walk for him to see the severity of the issue
-it will take time to turn it around if he is even inclined to do so
-major changes such as this can be a mindfvck and create unforeseen problems (trying to use my example in an eventual worst case scenario to illustrate this)
-his rationalization hamster could spin it any number of ways
-despite all of this she has to try this bold of a strategy to be effective.
-if she does nothing or accepts failure on his part she will continue to have a miserable sex life. 
-As in my case that is not sustainable.


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## rich84

staarz21 said:


> I just don't get how people can gain that much weight and not do anything about it. I mean, it's not like 20lbs....it's 100lbs!!! You simply can't expect our partner to be okay with that because they love you. OP, you're not shallow. You're human.



It's a sickness, an addiction. Rational thought need not apply. In the moment there's your desire to be fulfilled via food and that's all there is. It's not until after you're sick from overeating that you feel regret and shame. But even then it doesn't last and it isn't enough to overpower your drive to do the same thing later on. You have to break down your mind and purposefully bring your rational brain to the surface in order to think about your food decisions objectively. I had to devalue food and think rationally about the "panic" that hunger signaled in my brain. If this is all sounding foreign to you then you have the great fortune of never having experienced the brain pathology of someone with addiction.


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## UMP

rich84 said:


> It's a sickness, an addiction. Rational thought need not apply. In the moment there's your desire to be fulfilled via food and that's all there is. It's not until after you're sick from overeating that you feel regret and shame. But even then it doesn't last and it isn't enough to overpower your drive to do the same thing later on. You have to break down your mind and purposefully bring your rational brain to the surface in order to think about your food decisions objectively. I had to devalue food and think rationally about the "panic" that hunger signaled in my brain. If this is all sounding foreign to you then you have the great fortune of never having experienced the brain pathology of someone with addiction.


EXACTLY! I lost 50 pounds and it took a heart attack and a starfish wife to finally get me going. Losing weight AND keeping it off is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
I could see my sex life in the toilet and my life hanging in the balance at 45 years of age. Now at 53, it's still a pain in the ass, but it's worth the effort.


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## rich84

UMP said:


> EXACTLY! I lost 50 pounds and it took a heart attack and a starfish wife to finally get me going. Losing weight AND keeping it off is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
> I could see my sex life in the toilet and my life hanging in the balance at 45 years of age. Now at 53, it's still a pain in the ass, but it's worth the effort.



It's these major catalysts that seem to be he most effective at breaking the cycle. This is why I suggested the OP go on a shock and awe campaign with her husband. 

Congrats, UMP, that's fantastic that you found success. Keeping it off is in and of itself an equal challenge to the initial losses. It is definitely worth the effort.


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## sexy

So Glad to find this. . . 

Not or you personally, I'm just relieved to know that I'm not alone with this problem. My H also has put on significant weight, and AFTER having 2 children, I am finally back down to my college weight. When you are a middle-aged female with 2 teens and a cute figure that gets lots of attention from other people, its difficult to look forward to intimacy when you remember the 25 year old body your spouse USED to have. My husband came off a tropical island during his years in the USAF looking like one of the volleyball playing cast members of TOP GUN. Now he has a huge gut and just lives to eat rather than eats to live. Now the most exercise he gets is keyboarding and 12 ounce curls. 
I don't begrudge my husband a little down time and a good meal now and then, but he doesn't burn the calories the way he did when he was 25. I never thought I would see him gain this much weight, and I don't have it in me to be his personal trainer until he gets his weight under control. I can't micromanage his weight loss and diet plan. he eats when I'm not around, as much as he wants as late as he wants, and whatever he wants. When you get to be 50 that is just a recipe for obesity! 
Good luck with your man. I will be interested to see what works to finally get the weight off him or if this is just what women with older lazier husbands have to put up with.


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## ConanHub

luvinhim. How strong would you rate yourself mentally? Emotionally?

How strongly do you feel you are committed to helping turn this around?

I might have good advice depending on your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvinhim

ConanHub said:


> *luvinhim. How strong would you rate yourself mentally? Emotionally?
> 
> How strongly do you feel you are committed to helping turn this around?
> 
> I might have good advice depending on your answer.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hi conan, i value your advise so shoot away. im not sure on what you mean how strong am i mentally emotionally. 

i will tell you that i am very laid back and i do not get upset easly. mentally i am tired and can honestly say i may not be willing to go the long haul on this, but i will try


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## luvinhim

thank you everyone who have posted. i am not shallow, but i have never been attracted to fat men. my husband knows that.
i am not lookin for a body builder. if i were single i would not date anyone who looked remotely like my husban


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## rich84

luvinhim said:


> thank you everyone who have posted. i am not shallow, but i have never been attracted to fat men. my husband knows that.
> 
> i am not lookin for a body builder. if i were single i would not date anyone who looked remotely like my husban



Nobody remotely thinks you're being shallow. So are you going to tell him this is a deal breaker? Are you willing to help him see it through if he commits? It kind of sounds like from your last couple posts that you're done and ready to move on.


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## melw74

I can see both sides. I have struggled with my weight through years. I was size 12 when i met my hubby, but i piled weight on through the years after having children and eating the wrong things then i was a size 18 before i knew it, but i can honestly say that nothing changed here, but i do know my husband does not overweight women, so not sure why nothing changed and he still loved me all the same. I was a size 18 also when we married. I have asked him, but he just says he genuinely did not think i looked that bad, but looking at photos god knows how he never as i did look huge... It was me who was unhappy and lost weight, so it was me who did something about it. I am now a size 10-12 and i am very happy.

My hubby has also put on a bit, but not enough for me to be unhappy with him, I also have to admit i do not think that it would make a huge difference because i love him to bits and could not imagine life without him no matter what .

The thing is only he can do something about it when he wants to, until he does, then things are going to be hard. It must be very sad that you find yourself thinking about other men when your having sex... I think you need to speak to your man, because will change until you do.


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## brooklynAnn

After my son was born, I was a size 18. It took me a long time to lose that weight. Thankfully my husband, loved and adored me thru it all. He never complain once. He treated me like I was the most sexy thing on earth. I always feel so blessed, that he never said or treated me differently.

Every now and then, he puts on a few pounds and I support him in his quest to get fit. I juice, cook healthy meals and exercise with him. Recently, his blood pressure was a tab bit above normal. I got one of those Ninja blender and he gets one large cup every morning. I blend him berries, greens and veggie protein. His pressure is back to normal. But the doc recommended he stays on the meds for a few months.

Take away the negativity and give him some support. When he gets pissy you tell him it's for his own good. Cook healthier meals, don't buy any junk food and make it a family event. My husband use to take us all to the park every evening when the kids were small. He plays with the kids and I walked, until I could run. Little step, one day at a time. 

Tell him you love him and want to be able to live a long, health life with him by your side. Be kind, gentle and firm. Good luck.


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## rich84

melw74 said:


> I can see both sides. I have struggled with my weight through years. I was size 12 when i met my hubby, but i piled weight on through the years after having children and eating the wrong things then i was a size 18 before i knew it, but i can honestly say that nothing changed here, but i do know my husband does not overweight women, so not sure why nothing changed and he still loved me all the same. I was a size 18 also when we married. I have asked him, but he just says he genuinely did not think i looked that bad, but looking at photos god knows how he never as i did look huge... It was me who was unhappy and lost weight, so it was me who did something about it. I am now a size 10-12 and i am very happy.
> 
> My hubby has also put on a bit, but not enough for me to be unhappy with him, I also have to admit i do not think that it would make a huge difference because i love him to bits and could not imagine life without him no matter what .
> 
> The thing is only he can do something about it when he wants to, until he does, then things are going to be hard. It must be very sad that you find yourself thinking about other men when your having sex... I think you need to speak to your man, because will change until you do.



That's great your attraction for each other has maintained through the fluctuations. 100 lbs overweight though is a level of obesity that many struggle to maintain attraction to their partner. 

My wife was a size two, 118 lbs and had sexy abs and perfectly toned legs when we got married. Her body type was very attractive to me. Since then she's up to about 140 and I still find her very attractive. I still want to jump her. 😄 If she were to keep gaining I would cut her some slack because she did so for me. But at some point I would get concerned and intervene to help her avoid the same pitfalls that I fell into. And if she refused to turn it around and kept going to 100 lbs overweight I would probably lose all physical attraction like the OP. You can't really help what you're attracted to. My wife loved me, but I do not think she was physically attracted to me at that weight. This is where the OP is at. Now combine it with other marital issues that make her mate even more unattractive. 

Unless the OP married him like this and was OK with it, he is breaking a fundamental marital obligation to maintain his health and attractiveness to the best of his ability. He has let his **** go completely. He is in denial about the importance of his physical appearance to the marriage. I think she now has to make a difficult decision: 

-Confrontational but loving ultimatum. Stick it out. 
-Ducks in a row. 180. File for divorce. 
-Do nothing. Be miserable. Probably cheat. 

Personally, I think the OP should stop subsidizing her sexual experience by imagining hard bodies, blocking out her husband, and focusing intently on her orgasm. Painful as it is, perhaps she should engage with her husband during sex and try and fail to have a gratifying experience. And let him see it. And let him gently know that she cannot get there because the attraction is not there. I think she is lovingly but detrimentally giving him a false sense of security. Her nagging him has not been effective in conveying the seriousness of he situation. 

At some point there must be some feelings hurt. He has to be uncomfortable in order to change. It would be best if he came to it on his own. But the OP is nearing the end of her rope. She will have to take action if there is to be something salvaged.


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## rich84

brooklynAnn said:


> Take away the negativity and give him some support. When he gets pissy you tell him it's for his own good. Cook healthier meals, don't buy any junk food and make it a family event. My husband use to take us all to the park every evening when the kids were small. He plays with the kids and I walked, until I could run. Little step, one day at a time.
> 
> Tell him you love him and want to be able to live a long, health life with him by your side. Be kind, gentle and firm. Good luck.



It doesn't sound like she's been negative with him. It sounds like she has bottled up her disgust and resentment. I agree with the loving support you describe. However, it has to come along with a frank discussion about the consequences in terms of his health and the state of the marriage. He has to know that it's in jeopardy so he can treat it like the proper threat to their marriage that it is.


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## melw74

rich84 said:


> It doesn't sound like she's been negative with him. It sounds like she has bottled up her disgust and resentment. I agree with the loving support you describe. However, it has to come along with a frank discussion about the consequences in terms of his health and the state of the marriage. He has to know that it's in jeopardy so he can treat it like the proper threat to their marriage that it is.


I totally agree. If my husband said to me "look Mel, I love you, but i am having a hard time with your weight, and i am finding you less attractive" i would definitely try to do something about it, I guess i was lucky that when i put on weight my hubby never had a problem with it, nor expressed he was unhappy with the way i looked, because then it would have been a hell of a lot different.....

It was me that was so unhappy with things, but now he loves the way i look, and i feel a hell of a lot better.


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## luvinhim

I am so glad u guys keep posting. 

Again, I have tried to tell him. He knows this. I have been kind to him when I said it. (Have you ever met a person who can deal a blow but cannot take one). Im married to him.

I could cut him som slack, but if you have read any of my other post he wants me to be more adventerous in the bedroom, and I have tried, but he has not done anything to turn me one.

I dated him when he was a jean size of 36. His current jean size is 60. If you want a woman to give you blow jobs and talk sexy to you, try things outside of her comfort zone .....meet her halway. I mean jeez lose 25 freaking pounds to show me you are at least trying.

He criticized my way of losing weight, telling me i do not work out hard enough, i snack too much. yada, yada yada. but im the one who lost 40 lbs. 

I am so happy for those who have spouses who continue to love them after putting on weight, but i think you are taking your spouse for granted. when you dated, you looked a certain way and i am sure you put 100% into you looks, what you wore, the type of perfume/cologne you put on...after a committment you stop trying. kudos to the spouses who continue to love you anyway.

I have honestly tried to overlook his weight, but there is so much fkked up in our marriage that i cannot give him a free pass on this one.


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## lifeistooshort

Is he checking out lots of porn where homely men do nothing but take and the women cater to them? That's what this sounds like. He should get but doesn't need to make any effort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

I am going to take some time to review your threads. Sorry your marriage is in as much trouble as it is.

It is really frustrating and a huge turn off when your husband just won't be the man you need him to be.

Really sad to because with small steps and consistent work, you would be melted butter in his hands and a sex goddess in the bedroom.

I'll get back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## techmom

rich84 said:


> That's great your attraction for each other has maintained through the fluctuations. 100 lbs overweight though is a level of obesity that many struggle to maintain attraction to their partner.
> 
> My wife was a size two, 118 lbs and had sexy abs and perfectly toned legs when we got married. Her body type was very attractive to me. Since then she's up to about 140 and I still find her very attractive. I still want to jump her. 😄 If she were to keep gaining I would cut her some slack because she did so for me. But at some point I would get concerned and intervene to help her avoid the same pitfalls that I fell into. And if she refused to turn it around and kept going to 100 lbs overweight I would probably lose all physical attraction like the OP. You can't really help what you're attracted to. My wife loved me, but I do not think she was physically attracted to me at that weight. This is where the OP is at. Now combine it with other marital issues that make her mate even more unattractive.
> 
> Unless the OP married him like this and was OK with it, he is breaking a fundamental marital obligation to maintain his health and attractiveness to the best of his ability. He has let his **** go completely. He is in denial about the importance of his physical appearance to the marriage. I think she now has to make a difficult decision:
> 
> -Confrontational but loving ultimatum. Stick it out.
> -Ducks in a row. 180. File for divorce.
> -Do nothing. Be miserable. Probably cheat.
> 
> *Personally, I think the OP should stop subsidizing her sexual experience by imagining hard bodies, blocking out her husband, and focusing intently on her orgasm. Painful as it is, perhaps she should engage with her husband during sex and try and fail to have a gratifying experience. And let him see it. And let him gently know that she cannot get there because the attraction is not there. I think she is lovingly but detrimentally giving him a false sense of security. Her nagging him has not been effective in conveying the seriousness of he situation. *
> 
> At some point there must be some feelings hurt. He has to be uncomfortable in order to change. It would be best if he came to it on his own. But the OP is nearing the end of her rope. She will have to take action if there is to be something salvaged.


QFT. Seriously.


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## melw74

intheory said:


> melw,
> 
> Your husband is, like, 20 years older than you, right?
> 
> So, that is in your favor too. Not that you didn't need to make the effort to lose weight; I'm not saying that.
> 
> It's just with a much younger wife; guys are probably more lenient than then would be with a wife the same age as them.


Yes intheory your absolutely right 22 years older to be precise:grin2:.

So he should be lenient i am quite the catch> :wink2:... Hes always telling me how lucky he is to be with someone like me at his his age and as beautiful as me, so yes i guess you have a point there.


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## turnera

rich84 said:


> Personally, I think the OP should stop subsidizing her sexual experience by imagining hard bodies, blocking out her husband, and focusing intently on her orgasm. Painful as it is, perhaps she should engage with her husband during sex and try and fail to have a gratifying experience. And let him see it. And let him gently know that she cannot get there because the attraction is not there. I think she is lovingly but detrimentally giving him a false sense of security. Her nagging him has not been effective in conveying the seriousness of he situation.


If it were me, I would just flat out be honest. He won't hear anything else. And follow THROUGH on that by refusing to have sex with him until he starts taking his weight loss seriously. If you have to, couch it in your not being attracted to him AND being concerned with him staying alive.

I don't understand the tip-toeing around. It's your body, if you don't want to share it with a man who disgusts you, don't.


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## MountainRunner

EVG39 said:


> No, you are not wrong. We are not talking about 15-20 lbs., you say he is 100 pounds overweight. Ouch!
> This is now way beyond an attraction issue. He is obese, perhaps fitting the criteria of morbidly obese. Here is what you guys are looking at with this condition:
> He is at high risk for diabetes, hypertension, sleep apnea, reflux, gallstones, arthritis, cancer and of course heart disease.
> So this is how I would approach him. Not on the attraction issue, but as a caring wife very concerned about her husband's serious health condition. I would persuade him to schedule a Dr's appointment and you absolutely go with him. *Any doc worth his or her salt will scare his pants off in a way you probably can't. *


Absolutely. @luvinhim, you state he went form a 36" waist to a 60"? That is a huge difference. May I ask over what period of time?

As @EVG39 stated, maybe get him in front of a doctor? That was my wake up call over 5 years ago and I have lost the weight and kept it off as well as packing on considerable lean body mass. But yes...I was on the fast track toward diabetes at one time as well.

Anyway, hope you're successful in getting your husband to lose the weight, get fit and regain your affection.


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## ConanHub

luvinhim. Since your sex life in your marriage was never really well developed, did your husband form a porn habit?

I was looking for that answer but didn't see if your H started using porn with regularity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## freedomf2012

I can fully understand what you're going through. My wife has gained a lot of weight in the last 6 years and I am no longer attracted to her . Sex is the last thing I want from her. My dad is a diabetic and I have seen first hand the the stugle and financial problems this causes. So I watch my weight and what I eat very closely. My wife is going to have serious health problems if she doesn't do something about her weight. She can't even get dressed without being out of breath. I have tried to talk to her about her health and she just tells me her weight shouldn't matter, I should love her no matter what. I do love her but I am I no way attracted to her any longer. Been married for 21 years.


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## ConanHub

I could use more background information on your marriage. It sounds like a lot is going on.

Do you two attend church?

Are you following advice from a book?

I can tell you are really trying to make your marriage better on your end but, honestly, a timeline of your relationship with details would be very useful if you have the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

freedomf2012 said:


> I can fully understand what you're going through. My wife has gained a lot of weight in the last 6 years and I am no longer attracted to her . Sex is the last thing I want from her. My dad is a diabetic and I have seen first hand the the stugle and financial problems this causes. So I watch my weight and what I eat very closely. My wife is going to have serious health problems if she doesn't do something about her weight. She can't even get dressed without being out of breath. I have tried to talk to her about her health and she just tells me her weight shouldn't matter, I should love her no matter what. I do love her but I am I no way attracted to her any longer. Been married for 21 years.


freedom, get the book His Needs Her Needs and find the part that talks about Emotional Needs. It will describe how each person has unique ENs and that their spouse should be aware of them and MEET those needs. It describes that physical attractiveness is a valid, IMPORTANT EN and that you have the right to NOT be attracted to her when she's obese. Show it to her and have 'the talk.'


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## turnera

intheory said:


> If he has a mean streak; he will probably look to find every fault you have in your body and throw it in your face over and over again, as a form of revenge.
> 
> If he is passive-aggressive, you confronting him directly and honestly will result in him DEFINITELY not losing weight; just to show you who's boss.


And if he does this, he is shooting himself in the foot because she'll end up losing all love for him, she'll stop having sex with him, and probably eventually leave him.


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## rich84

intheory said:


> luvinhim,
> 
> 
> 
> I don't mean to discourage you from communicating with your husband.
> 
> 
> 
> And, turnera is probably correct. If he retaliates against you; it will damage your feelings of love for him.
> 
> 
> 
> BUT, based on the quotes from your post; it doesn't sound like your husband is going to be making much of an effort.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you capable of supporting yourself financially? Would you give him, say, a year to do something about this; then consider divorcing if he does zilch?
> 
> 
> 
> Or, are you willing to accept longing for other guys while you have sex with your husband? Do you think that that is part of " til death do us part"?
> 
> 
> 
> You don't have to answer. It's just something to think about.
> 
> 
> 
> And I sympathize with you. Your husband is being neglectful of the sexual side of marriage by getting this fat and unattractive. It's not fair and it's not right.



Read some of her other posts. He expects her to pull out all the stops in the bedroom but doesn't give the slightest about whether he's attractive to her. And then he can dish it but cannot take it. Tough situation. 

OP, I'm not sure how you've managed to not resent this guy. I have doubts that he is the type to change. But you know him. Intheory poses some good questions.


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## ConanHub

turnera said:


> freedom, get the book His Needs Her Needs and find the part that talks about Emotional Needs. It will describe how each person has unique ENs and that their spouse should be aware of them and MEET those needs. It describes that physical attractiveness is a valid, IMPORTANT EN and that you have the right to NOT be attracted to her when she's obese. Show it to her and have 'the talk.'


That was my thoughts as well. That book would be good for luvinhim as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvinhim

ConanHub said:


> I could use more background information on your marriage. It sounds like a lot is going on.
> 
> Do you two attend church?
> 
> Are you following advice from a book?
> 
> I can tell you are really trying to make your marriage better on your end but, honestly, a timeline of your relationship with details would be very useful if you have the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hi conan, i will give you a timeline in a couple of days. i am really busy it this will take some writing


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## luvinhim

rich84 said:


> Read some of her other posts. He expects her to pull out all the stops in the bedroom but doesn't give the slightest about whether he's attractive to her. And then he can dish it but cannot take it. Tough situation.
> 
> OP, I'm not sure how you've managed to not resent this guy. I have doubts that he is the type to change. But you know him. Intheory poses some good questions.


yes my situation is really tough. i get a lot of attention at work, and it is getting harder and harder to resist. i know the body type i like and i have to work hard at not drooling at the men i work with. i work with a lot of men in uniform and my my my they are lovely


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## ConanHub

luvinhim said:


> hi conan, i will give you a timeline in a couple of days. i am really busy it this will take some writing


No problem.  I have busy streaks and then too much time! LOL :wink2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rich84

luvinhim said:


> yes my situation is really tough. i get a lot of attention at work, and it is getting harder and harder to resist. i know the body type i like and i have to work hard at not drooling at the men i work with. i work with a lot of men in uniform and my my my they are lovely



All the more reason to sit your husband down and have the talk. You sound like you're on the verge of cheating. He should be made aware of how close you are to checking out (if you haven't already).


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## lifeistooshort

rich84 said:


> All the more reason to sit your husband down and have the talk. You sound like you're on the verge of cheating. He should be made aware of how close you are to checking out (if you haven't already).


I agree with this. He can't be allowed to claim he was blindsided. .. .how he could be is beyond me but according to some of these guys you have to spell out that he's a turn off and you're looking at other guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub

rich84 said:


> All the more reason to sit your husband down and have the talk. You sound like you're on the verge of cheating. He should be made aware of how close you are to checking out (if you haven't already).


I absolutely agree with this. If you are so hurting that you are drooling, figuratively speaking, over real men you come in contact with and are getting no release for your sexual tensions at home, OUCH! 

RECIPE FOR DISASTER!!!!

You are fighting and losing battle and your husband needs to be in your corner but he is actually working against you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## luvinhim

*Timeline for Conan and others who want to chime in*

This has to be somewhat generic, my husband reads here sometimes and he will know im talking about him.

1. Married young
2. Had kids early in the marriage, i was a prude only missionary for me
3. I regretted marrying to fast and young. 
4. After the kids..low to no sex drive for me.
5. Husband suffered because of my low sex drive and giving all my attention to the children
6. Husband worked a lot, never home, marriage survived on the sheer fact the we were not around each other enough to fight.
7. Husband works from home now. Around each other all the time.
8.. Marriage is stale and dry..at least to me.
9. We both had affairs....decided to stay and make it work for the sake of the children. I wanted out...hubby wanted to make it work. I decided it was better for the children to make this work.
10. thats when i decided i would try to be the woman he needed sexually. hard when you are not attracted to spouse.
11. we are both christians
12. he makes WAY MORE MONEY THAN I DO! I NEED HIM FINANCIALLY
That is about all i have right now.
13. i am rethinking my Christian Faith. I am not the young christian woman i was. i seem to be angry at christians. they are hypocrites, myself included.


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## turnera

Given that you both have a checkered past when it comes to this marriage, I suggest you approach him as an equal and as a potential partner to make the last of your years on this earth more enjoyable - together (if it works out). Consider this a second, or third, chapter in your life. Tell him what would excite you for that, and ask him what would excite him. Come up with a plan so you both can get your needs met, together.


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## farsidejunky

luvinhim said:


> *Timeline for Conan and others who want to chime in*
> 
> This has to be somewhat generic, my husband reads here sometimes and he will know im talking about him.
> 
> 1. Married young
> 2. Had kids early in the marriage, i was a prude only missionary for me
> 3. I regretted marrying to fast and young.
> 4. After the kids..low to no sex drive for me.
> 5. Husband suffered because of my low sex drive and giving all my attention to the children
> 6. Husband worked a lot, never home, marriage survived on the sheer fact the we were not around each other enough to fight.
> 7. Husband works from home now. Around each other all the time.
> 8.. Marriage is stale and dry..at least to me.
> 9. We both had affairs....decided to stay and make it work for the sake of the children. I wanted out...hubby wanted to make it work. I decided it was better for the children to make this work.
> 10. thats when i decided i would try to be the woman he needed sexually. hard when you are not attracted to spouse.
> 11. we are both christians
> 12. he makes WAY MORE MONEY THAN I DO! I NEED HIM FINANCIALLY
> That is about all i have right now.
> 13. i am rethinking my Christian Faith. I am not the young christian woman i was. i seem to be angry at christians. they are hypocrites, myself included.


None of us are perfect, and being Christian does not change that. By labeling someone as a hypocrite, we are often doing the very thing to others that led us to call them hypocrites to begin with: judging.

Luvinhim, I hear a lot of anger from you. 

You feel trapped.


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## rich84

luvinhim said:


> *Timeline for Conan and others who want to chime in*
> 
> This has to be somewhat generic, my husband reads here sometimes and he will know im talking about him.
> 
> 1. Married young
> 2. Had kids early in the marriage, i was a prude only missionary for me
> 3. I regretted marrying to fast and young.
> 4. After the kids..low to no sex drive for me.
> 5. Husband suffered because of my low sex drive and giving all my attention to the children
> 6. Husband worked a lot, never home, marriage survived on the sheer fact the we were not around each other enough to fight.
> 7. Husband works from home now. Around each other all the time.
> 8.. Marriage is stale and dry..at least to me.
> 9. We both had affairs....decided to stay and make it work for the sake of the children. I wanted out...hubby wanted to make it work. I decided it was better for the children to make this work.
> 10. thats when i decided i would try to be the woman he needed sexually. hard when you are not attracted to spouse.
> 11. we are both christians
> 12. he makes WAY MORE MONEY THAN I DO! I NEED HIM FINANCIALLY
> That is about all i have right now.
> 13. i am rethinking my Christian Faith. I am not the young christian woman i was. i seem to be angry at christians. they are hypocrites, myself included.



So your primary reasons for staying are...

A. Financial
B. Guilt
C. Stability for child rearing. 

You've had an affair(s), so you know the danger zone. And yet that is still massively appealing. If I knew my wife was only with me for my money and lifestyle comforts, was repulsed by me physically, and was drooling over other other men (again) with a better BMI, I would kick her ass out. Or I would get a better BMI if I thought that would help things. 

But I don't know. Actually, my wife is being even more adventurous in bed as of late. She seems sorry for leaving me sexless after the birth of our kids. She is downright kinky even and we've had a sexual renaissance. Sure, she pokes at my weight, but it couldn't bother her that bad if she's so into things. Oh well, guess all is peachy with the world. Where did I put those Oreos? Num num num. 

You've been through a lot together. Sit him down. Lay it out. Be honest but caring. Otherwise nothing will change and it will eventually crash and burn. Your resent-o-meter is already maxed out.


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## fitchick1961

You said your husband reads on here and will know you are talking about him. So what. Isn't that the idea, to make him understand how you feel, so things can change


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## FeministInPink

Someone posted this article in another thread, and I thought it was kind of interesting:

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife

I'm thinking specifically about the communication. When talk to him about your concerns, he's not hearing you. He hears you attacking him, and so he gets defensive, which is why he gets on you for the way YOU are going about losing weight (which is really hypocritical, BTW). And you get discouraged because he's not understanding of your distress, or comprehending that you are at the end of your rope.

Since this article is primarily how men can better listen to their wives, it doesn't have much info on how wives can better communicate with their husbands. But the website it comes from might have some info... and I think your husband would benefit from reading it.

ETA: And I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. I can't say I've experienced exactly the same, but I've been through some of the same.


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## lifeistooshort

fitchick1961 said:


> You said your husband reads on here and will know you are talking about him. So what. Isn't that the idea, to make him understand how you feel, so things can change


Maybe if she can get him to post other men will tell him to get off his fat arse and go to the gym.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Centurions

Greetings!

Well, some people don't respond to "nice"; they only respond to *rough*. So, you give it to him *rough*: "Listen. You are a hogbeast. I'm not sexually attracted to hogbeasts. You need to get in shape, or I'm going to find a replacement for you. I'll find a new man to ravish me the way I need. If you don't want me to do this, then you'd better get on it!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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