# Spouse with depression



## redfox (Oct 20, 2017)

Hi, 

I've never written on a message board before looking for advice from strangers. Usually the replies are callus or mean. I would please ask to those that read this and would like to share their knowledge/experience/wisdom that I am a real person who is living a very real problem with someone I dearly love.
I met my wife in collage. A happy and shy girl with a smile and laugh that was infectious and would brighten and fill a room. She loves all things techie, and that involves numbers as business accounting was her focus. A number of years after we were married. It has been a wonderful, happy, and growing experience. We have had our share of pregnancies that were not meant to be, several in fact. We are given the love of three beautiful health girls. 8, 6 and 16 months. We are both turning 41. It was her dream to be a stay at home with our girls while providing child care for a few friends that decided to go to work. Financially we were able to make things work with my salary and I support her decision fully.
My wife has experienced postpartum depression in the past that would last a number of weeks. In her words the feelings of depression were never as low and the high she received from the joy of our new baby. She is a trooper, and I knew some days were harder than others. I asked her what she needed and do my best to care for her, the kids, and balance a busy career and other responsibilities. 
Our last baby has left her with a terrible long stretch of depression. I used parental leave the first three months of the last baby to help her though it. I eased back into work to allow her to work back into a schedule. She isn't sleeping well. She isn't eating well. She has lost a fair amount of weight ( size 12 to a size 8). Her vagina has a strange strong musky odor which was not there previously. She isn't the happy go lucky person she has always been. She struggles with daily activities. We will get into these strange circular arguments where she will revert back to a past statement we have discussed and moved forward on to discuss it again, just to revert back once more. She could also be experiencing menopause symptoms? 
This year has been notably difficult for me. Since returning to full duties my job required a significantly more of my time and effort than any other year. I experience anxiety when facing surgery and had so on my hand and a vasectomy that took longer to heal. This whole situation left me emotionally drained and damaged. Because of my wife's symptoms she was not able to be emotional supportive and I felt alone and hurt.
It has been a number of months and after taking the steps to recover from my experience I feel better than I have in years. My wife is coping with her depression. So, feeling like I had steady legs again, I set forth a plan to help her get back to her roots, and rather than just a mom and wife, allow her to feel like a regular person, and a woman again. All of these were actions I took which I told her she did not have to do, and they were there for her if she wanted to try.
1.) I set her up with appointment with our family doctor.
2.) I Set her up with a counselor at our family practice. 
3.) signed her up to attend a continuing education course to update her accounting on the current software. This would be for 4 hours once a week for 10 weeks. 
4.) Encouraged her to take a job for 4-6 hours a week with a friend who is working with techie stuff.
5.) She attends a fitness class once a week. 
6.) We go the health club together once a week and place the kids in child minding while we go and sit in the hot tub together.
I help her pick out her outfits for the course and the job. No sweat pants and crappy T shirts. She is appropriately dressed as a professional. Doctor has prescribed her some medication to help and she sees the counselor each month.
Here's where I turn to the inter web for help. 
It’s not working, and it is complicated. 
I am once again emotionally drained overwhelmed, and bitter.I work 40 plus hours a week, help make supper, clean, , play with our kids and take them to their activities while she is at the course, job, and fitness class. I have to fit in my other responsibilities such as get ready for winter ( bring in the wood, switching tires for vehicles and removing snow. Yep that`s right, we life in Canada). 
The unpleasant bitterness comes from when I was going through my own hardship; I was alone to figure things out and had to work my own way back to feel normal again. 
In turn I have done all I have done to support and help her and it just isn't working.
I'm not sure what else I can do.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

redfox said:


> Hi,
> 
> I've never written on a message board before looking for advice from strangers. Usually the replies are callus or mean. I would please ask to those that read this and would like to share their knowledge/experience/wisdom that I am a real person who is living a very real problem with someone I dearly love.
> I met my wife in collage. A happy and shy girl with a smile and laugh that was infectious and would brighten and fill a room. She loves all things techie, and that involves numbers as business accounting was her focus. A number of years after we were married. It has been a wonderful, happy, and growing experience. We have had our share of pregnancies that were not meant to be, several in fact. We are given the love of three beautiful health girls. 8, 6 and 16 months. We are both turning 41. It was her dream to be a stay at home with our girls while providing child care for a few friends that decided to go to work. Financially we were able to make things work with my salary and I support her decision fully.
> ...


Have you talked to her about this? Why does she say she feels this way? 

Have you told her about how you feel when you need her and she is not there for you? What was her response to that?

Has she taken professional help? I know you said you signed her up but has she gone?


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## Ivernia (Oct 19, 2017)

As the spouse with depression, (I'm 23, female, and we don't have kids YET, but I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder), I feel like I can understand how your wife feels. I know that's very much how I felt/feel when I hit a depressive point.
It sounds like you have done and are doing everything you can to help her - and I commend you for that! The thing with depression of any kind is that it's not logical at all, and when people - myself, and it sounds like your wife, when you mentioned she isn't able to really able to perform simple tasks, or would get into circular arguments, it goes in circles because when the brain goes into a depressive mode, it can't function or think rationally.
I can recognize when it happens to me (post-partum depression is a bit different than a chronic depression), but when that happens, the worst thing you can do when you have exhausted all options and tried everything you can think of, which it seems that you have, is to give a dose of tough love.
My parents - my dad especially, and my husband, have to as well. When I feel really bad, and after I said how I'm feeling, they'll tell me how I'm not being at all logical, and they'll tell me why, and lay out the truth. 
In your case, it sounds like, unless you've done so already, I'd have a discussion with your wife and tell her how YOU feel because you matter just as much. No need to be harsh, but be realistic and tell her how you feel you've done all you can, and you don't know what else you can do for her, and how it's taken it's toll on you. The worst thing you can do is coddle someone with depression, as I found out for myself. Enabling the behaviour doesn't do well long term.
I try to work on mine as best as I can, but it is a very difficult battle that, unless you've been through, it can be almost impossible to truly understand. That said, you sound like a wonderful husband to her.
If you find that nothing is working or helping her out, you have to then decide how it's effecting you, and if you can keep up doing what you are doing. Everyone recovers differently, but at the end of the day, it's all up to her if she decides if she wants to help herself or not. As you said, it seems nothing is working. 
Have her set goals for herself, small, manageable ones.
That said, the best advice I can give you is keep doing what you are doing; it's very difficult, but love and support to go a long way.


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## redfox (Oct 20, 2017)

Thank you for thoughtful replies. I appreciate the kind words and help.

My wife and I have always been good with communication. We were great friends before becoming intimate which I think forms the foundation of our relationship.

When talking with her last evening, it wouldnt be fair to say I wasnt upset and hurt. The conversation became heated. I realized that we were "circling the drain again" if I didn't speak with her about my resentment we could not go forward. 
It was painful and emotional. Although it appeared to be more for me. I asked her how she felt, where she would like to be in 1 month, 6 months, a year. I could see that there was no plan, no aspirations, just a desire to get though one day at a time. 
Sometimes that is all one can do when the chips are down. Know that the sun will set on that day, and tomorrow it will rise on a new one. 
Unfortunately, it has been that way for over a year. I have three beautiful girls and a wife I love dearly. I've dedicated too much of my life to walk away. I've always wondered how some men do that, just get up and walk away on their kids, wife and life they built. Although I would not, perhaps I have judged the ones that have too harshly. 
Moving forward, I think I will take some of the ideas here. Tough love maybe the course of action. 
I've taken the steps to remove myself from the activities we do together. I've also signed myself up to a new work out routeen that will substitute that time for me. I've made arrangements to do different activities with the girls while she is away on her course and weekly job. 
I've changed my morning routine so as to limited our interactions in the morning and also right after I get home from work. 
Not easy choices to make. What I feel is sadness and loneliness . We've always been so close. 
It's time to act with the head and not the heart. I've done all I can. The rest is up to her.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Did she go to the doctor? I resisted that for years and finally went. It took a year of trying different medications but I found one that I like and does not give me unpleasant side effects like killing my sex life. I now have a lot of energy and am happy to get out of bed. The small things do not bother me anymore and my poor wife who put up with me for many years, likes me like I am now. One pill a day makes a big difference in my life and mental health.

Post Partum Depression is fairly common and her doctor should have taken care of that. My niece had her baby taken away from her since she is not married and did not want the kid. She was required to see a Psychiatrist and he got her back to normal. In fact, she had a second kid. My best friend's wife had a kid and she called my wife to ask her to take her kid. She ended up divorced and living in the streets. My friend found her and got her help against her will and they are now married 40 years and have a good life.

You need to get her to a doctor who can help her. She may say no but use any means you can because it will save her life. I already lost a cousin to depression who did not get any help. Do what is necessary by any means you can.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

You sound like a very supportive partner and it's understandable that you'd need support when you were going through difficult times as well.

The list you made seem great, however are these things what she wants? It also seems a lot to do for someone who is depressed. IMO, it might be good to do things one at time. First the counseling so that she can feel better, then fitness, then education and then a job.

Maybe if you have enough resources, you can get a maid to take care of chores and free you both a bit.

You also mentioned that she is not sleeping well. Is it because of the kids? Sleep deprivation can be very bad for depression. I wouldn't advise sleep training, but maybe finding other ways to help the kids sleep better so your wife gets quality sleep.

You also must tell her how you feel. Try to explain how you feel instead of what you expect of her, so that she would be less defensive and tries to understand you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

What about joining a support group for those living with people with depression (or along those lines). You need to have a life separate from the marriage and family too, so you have downtime, it appears you either work at office or home currently.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have tutored us on handling a depressed wife.
I agree with Vinny Dee, on finding the right medication.

And have her hormone levels checked. Her thyroid output looked at.
Check her A1C and blood sugar.

Hell, full panel testing!

Get her into long walks, bike rides with the children on the back of the bikes.
The eight year old daughter riding her own bike.

On the vaginal odor? That could be a concern. Her kidney function? Yeast? Go to her OB/GYN


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

You cannot create a recovery for your wife.if she has PPD and is most likely peri- menopausal ( this can be up to a ten year process to the last menstrual cycle)

She needs to see someone.

No amount of you arranging outfits, gym days, this , that and the other thing are going to snap her out of it.

Her body and brain are beyond your control.

Insist that she see the best MD's available. Think of it as a tumor that you can see growing outside her body. You probably would reconsider giving her the tough love stance.


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

First off....you have been a very supportive husband and are very intuned to your wife.

The thing about depression is...your life is a fog, no joy, nothing to look forward to and certainly no appreciation for the amount of effort your spouse is contributing to help you feel better.

The RIGHT meds can make a huge difference....and I emphasize right becauthe wrong ones can make her feel worse. A visit with a reputable psychiatrist should be a priority to get this sorted out.
A combination of talk therapy and the right meds will change her life for the better....but she has to be willing to do this...no coercion from you.

You have done all you can....she has to want to get better herself. You have given her the tools she needs to do this so now she has to want to help herself. If she doesn’t want to get well....nothing you do will help her.

Take care of yourself....eat healthy, workout, get some outside interests just for you.

She is sucking you down the depression rabbit hole with her.....
Make a fun, happy life for yourself away from work and home....you deserve it.

You’re too caring of a spouse to give up on her......encourage her wherever possible 

But don’t give up on yourself in the process


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It seems that you have arranged many things for her life, because you are trying to find a solution to her problems. They aren't the solution and merely put more pressure on you both time wise. 
Having three young children to look after all day, one barely more than a baby, is hard demanding work, and I can totally understand that she takes a day at a time. Trying to force her to think what she would like to do in 6 months is pointless. Her focus is on them and her family right now, as it should be. If you have depression you are in a fog, you can only manage one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time.

My advise. Stop trying to change her. Stop trying to run her life. If she wants to do something let her arrange it and do it .Its as if you are her father not husband. Stop pressuring her to think the same way you do. Get her good medical help, she may well need medication for now. Just carry on being quietly supportive, be a good dad and maybe even get someone to talk to for yourself.


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## Masodipstick (Aug 6, 2017)

Hi Redfox...you are a kind, caring, supportive husband. Your wife didn't support you when you needed her to because she couldn't. It probably takes all he emotional and physical strength to get through the day. New outfits, job prospects just add pressure for her to perform. I understand where you are coming from but you are thinking like a non-depressed person who has never been and doesn't understand what a clinical depression is. She can no more snap out of it by your attempts than you could snap out of cancer or diabetes. Depression is a physiological illness with psychological and physical symptoms... most people see it as being more in a "funk" that if she only tried harder she could climb out of. I caution you and anyone else as did another poster that clinical depression has the very real potential of suicide. 

As someone else mentioned join a support group or get support elsewhere. Help your wife pursue medical options and various medications. When her depression lifts considerably, then encouragement and outfits and job prospects may assist her but right now you are heaping pressure on her to feel and behave in a way that she simply CANNOT and your efforts there only serve to reinforce what she may very well consider her failings. (They are not signs of failure but in the mind of the depressed individual who feels significantly reduced self esteem and guilt and worthlessness which are symptoms of the illness she likely already feels like a failure.) She most definitely already feels overwhelmed.

Think of it as a car running on 3 cylinders or mariachi static on the radio.....she needs to get the imbalance of neurotransmitters in her brain corrected before her mood will improve and be restored to health.


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