# Pretending I Don't Know - Can't Keep It Up!!



## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Hi. Sorry for the uber-long post but I needed to get it all out. The upshot is, I'm pretty sure my husband is unfaithful, but I have no proof, and everyone from our one-time marriage counselor to a divorce-lawyer to the private-detective that I've consulted all say to not confront him until I have evidence, because he will deny it. I agree, but I don't know how I can keep pretending!! I need advice and help getting proof because PI's are expensive, and I have no money except what my husband gives me. 

....
{Edited because this wasn't a post, it was a freaking BOOK and no-one wants to read all that. Short version - I'm sure my husband is cheating, and has been for years. And has built a wall of secrecy around himself. I was blind and naive and now I'm totally shocked and angry but also kicking myself for being so stupid. And now, back to our show....}
....

And I thought, no way, he couldn't be sleeping someone else, he's too afraid of STD's! And then, like tumblers in a lock, everything went "click, click, click," in my brain and I realized that I had been blinding myself for YEARS, that he had exposed himself - and ME!! - at least THREE times to STD's!!

Well, obviously, I went to the doctor right away and got tested for every STD in the book, but I've been on zithromax a few times since that discharge {in retrospect, probably chlamydia}, and thank goodness I'm clean. Also clean of genital warts, aka human papilloma virus. 

Here's the thing. I don't NEED evidence for a divorce, but without evidence I'm sure he'll twist it all to seem like MY fault, make me look like the bad guy to our kids and our friends, and I think it may compromise my chances of alimony, etc.

But I don't know how to get evidence. Everything I read online says, check bank statements, check cell-phone records, check what he's doing on the computer. I don't have access to ANY of those! I can't follow him because I'm sure the affair is going on in another city. I'm not even certain what city he's going to! 

A PI-agency said they could "ping" his phone to see where he is, but that alone is $700, and then it will be another month before I can get them to follow him out of the airport to see what he does in the other city -- which will be another few hundred dollars, at least. 

Even if I could come up with the cash, that's at least 6-7 weeks before I have any evidence at all, and I don't know how I'm supposed to live with this man, knowing what I know, and not let him suspect that I know.

I know, I was going to leave him anyway, but I was going to wait a few years. Now I'm SO MAD!!!! -- To have exposed me to chlamydia and NOT TELL me, and to think that the answer to that was just to deny me sex, and meanwhile sleep with other people, is SO WRONG! I can barely look at him and I don't know how I can possibly keep this up for even a few days, much less weeks or months.

AAAH!!!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Try to get on his computer. I assume you each have your own. Tell him yours won't print and you need to use his. If you can get on it alone, install a keylogger.

Also, you can check text messages (even deleted messages) on the iPhone from the computer he syncs it to.

If you can get to his PC, you may find your evidence.

Good luck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What a scumbag. Nail him legally. He deserves no mercy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> What a scumbag. Nail him legally. He deserves no mercy.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

He's a serial cheater and exposing you to potentially deadly STDs.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I don't think I could get on his computer even if mine didn't print. But, reading here I'm thinking about a voice-activated recorder in his car. I definitely want to "nail" him. 

... Sad how only a few months ago, that would have meant something totally different.... 

On another note - is there a page on this site that explains all the "EA" "PA" "MC" acronym thingies?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I_Will_Survive said:


> On another note - is there a page on this site that explains all the "EA" "PA" "MC" acronym thingies?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32983-ok-i-have-ask.html#post449083


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Do you know anything about how he and his company book travel? Do you have any friends who work with him who might explain the systems they use, if not (don't get into specifics - they can't check his business reports)?

Because of the complexity of travel, and IRS regulations, most medium to large companies use travel agencies. I work for a Fortune 100 company, and several of my BILs, SILs work for others. With a few keystrokes, any of us could print our complete iteneraries for the last few years, including airfare, taxi, hotel and rental car. Why not consider a different tact, if he works for a decent sized company? Tell him that you want to be able to stay happily married, but you have too many doubts. If he is not able to show evidence of legitimate business travel on every occasion, you will have no choice but to assume that it is cheating. Tell him that with what was obviously multiple STDs, you need some proof. Unless he works in a very small business, it is inconceivable that he cannot produce records of his travel, for IRS reporting. If he can't sshow you that he went where he said AND charged it to business travel, then he is lying.

Just a thought... I've just seen it used before.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Don't you think there is proof in the fact that he's been treated multiple times for stds and you are not the one giving it to him? Contact an attorney that can go after his medical records. You are clean, he has not been. That's more than enough proof. 

Attorneys can also go after full financial disclosure and much more. Do it now, waiting around just puts you at risk. OH, and get checked again just in case, not all stds show up right away and HPV is a tricky one for woman and could cause cancer or heart disease.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I would give the VAR in his car a little time to work. But, I wouldn't be afraid to move ahead without ironclad proof. The STDs that he has contracted are pretty solid all by themselves. Let your attorney go after his medical records. There's a chance your husband signed a disclaimer at his doctor giving you access to his records.

However, at the end of the day, you don't have to convince anybody else that you're doing the right thing if you know it yourself. If you can't get the proof you want, you can still divorce him.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You appear to have a high tolerance of his behavior.

Your husband might had sex with various women (escorts, prostitutes).

Stop having sex with him immediately. Get yourself fully tested for a panel of STD's. Let the doctor know about his warts and syphilis. Check for HPV. 

Start job hunting if you havent done so yet.

Interview several lawyers -- you can gleam info from them. Find one you like.

Do you or your husband own a home? 1/2 of that could be yours. Use that to finance the lawyer you pick?

Get on an exercise/toning program. 

Read up on the 180. This is for you (and not for you to get your husband back, though that may happen).


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

First, sorry you are in such a horrible situation. He's sounds like a real piece of work. Follow the advice given above. From some of the things he's already done, he's prepared for divorce already by closing your joint accounts and hiding all of the evidence from you.

If you can, get an iphone (on a separate plan that you control) and activate MobileMe. It's a free utility from Apple that helps you locate your iphone by GPS if you lose it. Turn off all audible sounds and vibrations and place the iphone in his car where he won't find it. Go to the MobileMe web site and track the iphone's location. Call the iphone now and then so that it's location is tracked and documented on the phone bill. 

If you can't get an iphone, ask to borrow one from someone who has one.

I wish you luck


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Thank you all again for your helpful answers.

I have thought about asking his travel agent or the driver of the company car, but they all know him and not me, and will surely tell him I was asking. 

Until last summer, I think he actually DID go where he said he was going, and just sleeping with random people once he got there, so getting old records wouldn't help. 

I just think he has a way of twisting things around so they seem like my fault, and I've seen him lie to other people without batting an eye (I just always believed I'd be able to tell if he did it to me. Stupid me.) I could say, "You had a discharge last year," and he'd say, "No I didn't." I could say, "You said you were going to city A and there are no flights to city A at that time," and he'll say, "I never said that, I went to city B. You're crazy!"

Apparently he's been telling his mom that I'M cold and don't want to have sex! The nerve!

We live in a small community that discourages divorce, I just want to get proof so I don't look like the bad guy here, but I guess that is ultimately a waste of my energy.

The real problem is that I can't pretend like him, already he suspects that I'm different around him, and he's going to change his pattern to avoid being caught.

Aug - thanks for the advice, you're right, and I'll go read up on the "180" -- what's that, how to turn your life around? I think I need to do that.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Also - I edited my first post because I saw it was WAY too long to ask people to read. {I saved the story for myself on my own computer.} I really appreciate all those who bravely waded through all of it. Thank you all so much!!


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

HerToo said:


> If you can, get an iphone (on a separate plan that you control) and activate MobileMe. It's a free utility from Apple that helps you locate your iphone by GPS if you lose it. Turn off all audible sounds and vibrations and place the iphone in his car where he won't find it. Go to the MobileMe web site and track the iphone's location. Call the iphone now and then so that it's location is tracked and documented on the phone bill.


Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I wonder if I can sneak it into his luggage without him finding it.
:scratchhead:


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I_Will_Survive said:


> Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I wonder if I can sneak it into his luggage without him finding it.
> :scratchhead:


Battery will run out then it will be of no use.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I_Will_Survive said:


> Aug - thanks for the advice, you're right, and I'll go read up on the "180" -- what's that, how to turn your life around? I think I need to do that.



Read this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

here is the 180


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Thanks again. There is a lot of great information here - I'm so glad I found this site. 

Not happy that I needed it, but happy it is here. :smthumbup:


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

HerToo said:


> If you can, get an iphone (on a separate plan that you control) and activate MobileMe.


For a GPS tracker, and Iphone is expensive and large. There are smaller, dedicated GPS tracking units that can store a history and have multi-day battery life.

Of course, a iPhone is more plausibly deniable if it's found. You can always play it off as accidentally dropping it in someone's luggage. You can't accidentally drop your GPS tracker in someone's suitcase.


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## madwoman (Oct 20, 2011)

It's easy for me to say this because I'm not you, butttt....why do you care what anyone says?

They do not have to be married to him, have their life threatened with STD's, and be lied to.

Whatever happens hold your head up high. 

Read doing a 180, if you are not predictable, it will make him wonder what is going on with you. It shouldn't matter as much to get the proof as protecting yourself from further harm. 

Also read gaslighting. 

What is important is that you get ready for whatever comes. Do your due dilligence, and try to get proof, but if you cannot, it doesn't matter because you are through anyway. (according to you) set your path. Save your money, protect the marital assets, see a lawyer, get to work, and save yourself.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Its funny, but I went to a divorce lawyer and she said the exact same thing as the "180" thing, and what you all have said. "Stop being so predictable. Get your life together."

It takes time, and each day it's like I'm an addict waking up needing a "fix" of certainty. With a revenge chaser.


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