# Torn



## confusedandtorn (May 6, 2008)

I'm new to this but really need some advice and to get this off my chest. I am married with 2 children and have been having an affair for the past 3 months, which I have never done before. I have been married for 15 years and with him for a total of 20. For the past 2 years I have been unhappy in my marriage. My spouse has put me on the back burner during this time. Work, tv, golf have been a priority in his life. 
I have communicated with him about my feelings, but nothing seems to work. Our sex life is simply connvenient. During this time I have put up a wall in fear of being rejected over and over. I never intended on having an affair, but it just happened. The person I met is wonderful. We became friends and I shared what I was going thru and more or less he was a person I could vent to. He makes me so happy. He cares about me in a way that my husband doesn't. We have both fallen in love with each other and the feeling is something I have never felt before. My husband doesn't know about the affair. He is emotionally devastated by the fact that we are having problems and that I am not in love with him anymore. The man I am in love with (Bob) has moved 4 hours away. I know it's soon to be in love, but it feels right. I found out that my spouse looked through my stuff because he had suspicions about me being with someone else. I told Bob and he is now standoffish towards me. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but thinks we just need to be friends for now. Our feelings are so strong for each other and I am so confused. I am afraid of losing Bob because of the happiness he gives me. I know I have to take care of my family, but I also want happiness which is very selfish. If I didn't have children I would leave. This is where I'm torn. I am having a hard time emotionally because I'm afraid of losing this feeling of being loved and cared about in a way I have never felt. I just don't know what to do!!

Thanks for listening.


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## Russell (Apr 10, 2008)

Well... talk to my wife.

She did the SAME thing to me that your doing with your husband.

EXACT same situation, nearly. I am a recovering alcoholic. I stopped drinking the day she told me about Chuck... the man I would love to watch die. And not lift a finger to help. I no longer trust my wife. And she has A LOT to do in order for me to trust her again. She also has stipulations on me as well. 

1. We move to another state.
2. I don't drink.
3. I quite smoking.


I am cool with all of this. However... only way I am going to do this is if I get back into the Army. I will do anything for her, and yes, even risk my life (considering we're at war.... yhea, risk my life is not an exageration). Now, considering I am already on your husbands end of the stick... I'm telling you right now, if you didn't come out and say to the guy "I feel that I am drifting away from you and I do not feel like I am in love with you anymore" then you didn't give him fair notice of this.... and you are being more than just adulterous. You are being a backstabber. Sex is one thing... but you fell in love with Bob... and thats where the betrayal is. Personally, I think sex should be like a handshake. Falling in love with him, thats unforgivable.

If youw ant to try to work thngs out with your husband.... then get rid of Bob completely. If you want Bob, then get rid of your husband completely. The choice is simple... but don't live your life for your children. you must think only of yourself, and noone else. But if hubby takes you for everything you own.... hey you did it to yourself. And don't expect my sympathy. Oh yhea.... and how long have you known Bob? Can you really trust him? Considering only a few months.... I dunno, and if he's already being standoffish... Wow. Thats not what I would call a good relationship anywyas.


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

confusedandtorn said:


> I never intended on having an affair, but it just happened.


Hold it. You may have not set out to deliberately and systematically have an affair but you did choose to violate marital boundaries such as confiding your marital issues with another man. Hiding from your husband the fact that you were developing strong feelings of attraction towards "Bob". Lying and deceiving your husband about who you were talking to and about your whereabouts. So please don't say "it just happened".



> I found out that my spouse looked through my stuff because he had suspicions about me being with someone else. I told Bob and he is now standoffish towards me. He says he still loves me and wants to be with me but thinks we just need to be friends for now. Our feelings are so strong for each other and I am so confused.


"Bob"'s behavior is a huge red flag. I hate to break it you but his behavior says that he wants to keep things the way they are while you are fantasizing about building a future with him. Sorry but his feelings may not be as strong as yours and may just be localized to a certain part of his anatomy.



> I am afraid of losing Bob because of the happiness he gives me. I know I have to take care of my family, but I also want happiness which is very selfish. If I didn't have children I would leave. This is where I'm torn. I am having a hard time emotionally because I'm afraid of losing this feeling of being loved and cared about in a way I have never felt. I just don't know what to do!!


Happiness comes from within not from another person or thing, otherwise it is nothing more than a self-destructive addiction. And stop using your kids to justify your affair for the divorce laws reward women like you with custody and alimony while punishing betrayed husbands like yours.

Lastly, keep this in mind: What "Bob" does with you, he can do to you. You might want to do some investigative work on your "Bob" for it wouldn't surprise me if you weren't the only woman he's romantically/emotionally with. Wouldn't that be a shocker?

I'm sorry for my harshness but it is nothing compared with the devastation your affair has caused and the lives it has destroyed.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I agree with both of the above posts, however there is so much I would like to add and offer.

First the affair



> I never intended on having an affair, but it just happened.


Actually you lead it on and let it happen. You also can end it all at any time.

75% of people claim (msn poll) to have made a monogamous commitment to a single partner. It is important to note that while I consider cheating wrong it is within the context of a monogamous commitment.

The effects on the cheating partner are often sadness (25 percent), stress (32 percent) and guilt (49 percent).

So after someone cheats why trust them. They have already broken the morals of trust and respect.

So what does this do to your husband? 

Cheating can devastate a person emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and even physically. 

Communication ~ A cheater will use lack a communication to hide the deed or avoid talking about it. But communication is the one thing that can hold a relationship together the best and even repair it. 

Unfair advantage ~ A cheater often uses an affair as a way of getting an unfair advantage over someone. It is easy to withhold sex from your partner if you are getting it elsewhere. They become weaker mentally and you now control a source of power. After all Cheaters are usually for one's own interest, and often at the expense of others. 

Lying ~ Most affairs are never known. This is in large part because of lying. Not just one Lie but over and over again. 

Trust ~ Trust is broken and often never rebuilt and for good reason. But where trust is such an important issue to many relationships this is a key to why many end. 

Deceit ~ Like lying deceit is used to cover up the deed in hopes it will never be found out. 

Self esteem ~ Once a person has been cheated on they may lose a great deal of self esteem. Where they not good enough? Is the other person better looking? More fit? Better health? 

Vulnerable ~ Once you feel violated you worry that it can happen again. 

Unattractive ~ Why else would someone stray? 

Insecure ~ About who and what you are and stand for. Insecure about relationships and trust in another. 

Unworthy ~ Feelings of being unworthy of love or happiness. 

Do you really think this will help your marriage or your family? All this does is take away from the time and energy that you could and should put into your marriage. You have tried to communicate to your husband, try to do so in a different way. 

You have a choice either leave your husband in the hopes that bob is all the thinks you hope for or fix your marriage.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

well I am not here to throw you under the bus.

For the record, I am friends with several females that can tell me their personal issues, like one whose husband doesn't want to spend time with her, he has gotten very fat, etc. She is very Unhappy.....But i am her FRIEND, as well as his friend....So I know I will never cross that boundry, and I also tell my wife about every conversation, IE "gossip"

But I kept the friendship well with in bounds, and that was solely my decision?? why because I am very much in love with my wife and have no interest in anyone else, So I can understand your "it just happened" you let your guard down he saw it, he took the oppurtunity. It was a moment of weakness that spiralled out of control.


But anyway, you need to amke a decision, A decision of what truly makes you happy. You need to talk to your husband and see if you can repair your marriage, you do not have to devulge the affair, but you need to get some counselling and see if you can work it out, do some date nights.

As for "Bob" you were just a good time for him, a fling.....Forget bob. Get rid of Bob.


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> well I am not here to throw you under the bus.


Telling her the truth is hardly throwing her under the bus.



> For the record, I am friends with several females that can tell me their personal issues, like one whose husband doesn't want to spend time with her, he has gotten very fat, etc. She is very Unhappy.....But i am her FRIEND, as well as his friend....So I know I will never cross that boundry, and I also tell my wife about every conversation, IE "gossip"
> 
> But I kept the friendship well with in bounds, and that was solely my decision?? why because I am very much in love with my wife and have no interest in anyone else, So I can understand your "it just happened" you let your guard down he saw it, he took the oppurtunity. It was a moment of weakness that spiralled out of control.


It's good that you are conscious and observant of your marital boundaries but have you stopped to think that by allowing them to use you as a confidant, you are enabling your female friends to violate theirs? Have you thought for a minute what you are going to do if one day one of them expresses her feelings of love towards you? Far fetched? Perhaps so but if that happens then the only way for her to save her marriage will be complete NC with you (and your wife because for obvious reasons). It's a slippery slope you tread, dude.



> As for "Bob" you were just a good time for him, a fling.....Forget bob. Get rid of Bob.


:smthumbup:


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It sounds to me like you and Bob are on different paths in this relationship. Since he has withdrawn from you when you told him you husband was suspicious and now just wants to be friends he is not likely to be looking at the relationship long term. Pardon my language but it sounds to me like he just wants a f---Buddy. Dump him and see if you and your husband of 15 years can recover the love. He may not have done everything correctly but he’s not perfect. No one is. You have a marriage that is much more important than your relationship with Bob.


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## sweetp101 (Mar 13, 2008)

I could have written this story. Cheating is not the answer, neither is BOB. If you don't want your husband, leave. Never stay for the children sake. The children can sense when things are not right. 

I have not been love with my husband for years. We are currently in counseling. Not sure if it will work, but I'm willing to try. 

Please be careful if BOB is what you think you want.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Bob is making you feel the way you do because he is filling the voids you've been feeling within your marriage (of feeling loved, appreciated, listened to) and as all new relationships go, the feelings are intense and exciting, but as all seasoned relationships go, will eventually fade with Bob too. He is like the plaster you use to fix a hole in the wall. It's a quick fix and does the job, but will never be as strong as the original wall, which took much more time and effort to create. 

I would guess Bob is telling you he wants to back off because he doesn't want to cause more problems for you. In reality, he's probably wanting the fun and excitement of being with you but does not want the drama of your husband finding out. If you leave your husband and continue with Bob, how do you see it playing out? Even if Bob sticks around, you will always have contact with your husband because of the children and it doesn't sound as though Bob will come to terms with that and it will most likely be the source of problems with Bob down the road, especially if your husband has a lot of anger towards him.

The way I see it, you only have 2 choices here if you want to save yourself from a complete disaster:

1) Try to work on the problems within your marriage. Your husband seems to be awakened now that this is serious so there is an opportunity to make real change if you are willing to cut all contact with Bob and put in the effort.

2) End the marriage and be on your own. If you really don't see the marriage working at least decide that together with your husband and part ways amicably so that it is least disruptive for your children. That way, everyone involved will have some time to adjust to the new arrangement without underlying anger and resentment.

If you run into the arms of Bob, I can only see disaster down the road.

To the points made above, I do believe having friends of the opposite sex depends on the person. Some can handle it fine, others cannot. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you are saying things you would not if your spouse were there, it's a red flag that it's time to back off.

I would recommend reading the 5 love languages as it puts into perspective those intense feelings at the start of a relationship with the deeper love that follows. Many marriages get into a rut as the years go by and all relationships lose that exciting feeling after a few years (at most) so whatever you decide, go in knowing that even with Bob the butterflies won't be there forever and you could very well be in the same position with him in years to come...figure out how to be happy alone and decide whether you can also be happy within your marriage.

Good luck.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Hey Cantthinkof username.... I grew up with 5 sisters, very easy for me to talk to women, and many women found it easy to talk to me, I am still friends with all my Ex girlfriends, Female HS friends, women I met through life.

One of the reasons my wife and I are so strong, is neither one of us are jealous people, plus we trust each other.

Plus people send out vibes, while these women talk to me about their lives, alot of times I give the male perspective. They know me so well they ask my husband is doing this...and I would be like yea, I would do the same thing, I'm a guy...they ckind of get the understanding that it's just a guy thing, and helps them out a bit thinking everything is OK.

As for my female friend whose husband got fat, not much we can do there...they have 4 kids, (2 his, 2 from first marriage) got married due to the 3rd kid being born...marriage of necessity.

I ultimately think they are doomed from talking to both of them, but it will take a while, fortunately for her, he is a really nice guy and is trying to do the "right thing" but like others, it was a necessity thing, not a "love thing" that got them married.

I am a friend, but I do keep a safe distance....emotionally. My wife tries to do the majority of the conversations with her, because she needs to vent, and I am a guy after all, with 5 isters a wife and daughter....only so much I can take 

But I have learned the safe distance....But I was simply putting out the fact, Men and women can be friends, without getting into a physical relationship.

As for throwing under the bus, just seems like the first three posts were pretty negative about her, yea bad spot, but she is looking for help, not to be told she is wrong, she knows that.

Bottom line, Bob must go.


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## CantThinkOfAJUserName (Apr 11, 2008)

I'm glad you proved me wrong about your situation GAsoccerman. (There is more than enough grief and sorrow as it is) but I beg to differ with you than cuddling her for her poor choices is 'throwing her under the bus'. The truth is, she has done this already to her husband, to her children and to herself. And as the old saying goes 'The truth hurt, doesn't it?'


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Forget about Bob - definitely a red flag that he got cold feet when he heard about your husband finding out. He thought your relationship was all good & fine because there wasn't that true "commitment" involved because you had your family & who knows maybe he has one too? But now that you are talking about leaving your husband - he isn't ready to deal with that. 
I agree with one of the above posts to at least give your husband a chance to "hear" you now - in the past maybe the way you were saying you weren't happy wasn't coming across that clearly & he may not have realized how unhappy you really were. I was in your husbands shoes - that apparently my husband was unhappy & felt he had conveyed that message to me but I wasn't "getting it". I finally realized how unhappy he was when I found out about his affair - that made me stand up & take notice. But until then, I had no idea he was "that unhappy". Definitely a lack of communication on both ends. 
Wish you good luck in the weeks, months ahead


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