# Rollercoaster



## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

I will try and make this short.

My wife and I got into a fight on the 13th of July and I told her there was the door (big mistake), she took the girls and left.

We talked on the thursday following that and she told me that she was thinking of getting a legal seperation. I told her that no matter what happened I did not want a divorce and asked her if she was willing to give up on us without even giving it a chance. We have went to councelling before.

Sence they left I have stopped drinking and got into councelling for myself to make me a better person. We have also been to counceling together once. The counceler said we need to try and do stuff as a couple. 

The other day she sent me an email say that I was smoothering her and the girls. That i really need to give them some space. I told her that I thought I was. She said that the bounderies are that we do not talk or see each other until we go back to the counceler unless it involves the girls.

Well sence then we have talked or seen each other every day. When she is not around the girls she shows feeling for me, but once the girls are close she turns cold. 

I love her with all I have and am really getting confussed as what to feel. I have even told her that I would give up farming if that is what she wanted. (I would have more time for the family that way).

I just do not know how to feel or act. :scratchhead:Any advice would be greatly accepted.

thanks and sorry about the spelling.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds llike she is not yet ready to take a chance on your marriage right now. Not that she doesn't love you, but that she doesn't want to put the girls through a roller coaster while the two of you work on your issues.

I would think your best bet right now would be to continue with your ban on drinking and continue counseling. The longer she sees that your changes are lasting, the more likely she is to see hope for the two of you. 

If you are constantly talking about getting her back, etc. she may feel that if she says 'yes' that things will quickly go back to the way they were. Stepping back and working on YOU will probably go a lot further. Save the relationship talk for counselling, for now. Just my opinion.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

I do not talk about getting her back. When we talk it is mostly about the girls or what we need for this or that. I just see the difference in her face when it is just us or if the girls are around.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

Well last night was not to bad. I meet them at the school for open house (they started school today). I made a point of being there for the girls, not to see the wife. That is what she has told me I need to do. There was a meeting about being able to look up the girls grades online and whenwe were setting there she showed me a letter on of the girls teachers had given her. It was for a free seminer on brain food. One daughter is in gifted classes. She said we need to regester if WE want to go. Plus she let me stick my little fingure in her hand (my hand id twoce the size of hers) during the meeting.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

That's good to hear. I hope you said 'yes' and registered for the free seminar...those are 'safe' situations for her at the moment...where she can see you/be with you, but not feel pressured to make any major moves/decisions...sounds like a good way to stay in contact for now.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

I told her we would have to talk about it. She may not be able to go, she is coaching 5th and 6th grade cheerleading and not sure if they will be having practice or not. Right now they practice on tuesday and thursday.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

Something I forgot to say in the first post. We were setting together at a play the girls were in on sunday. There was a little girl there that was really cute and she keep asking her grama why one of the actors was said. I looked at my my and said that could be us in ten years. She looked at me with the loving green eyes and said "yes it is very possable". We have a son that will be 21 this september and the oldest girl is 18.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

use an update. I called the girls last night to see how the first day of school went. I talked to the youngest and she said she really enjoyed it. The other one was sleeping, so I did not get to talk to her. I has my daughter ask my wife if she wanted to talk to me and she did.

My wife told me why the middle daughter was sleeping. They had gotten in an aurgement about the way she talks back and tries to be the boss with her sister. My counceler has told me that is something he wants to talk to the wife about. He wants to see if she takes the same position with the older kids that she has with me. 

Today is going to be a long day I believe. We have an agreement that we will only talk or see each other if it is about the girls. It is really hard for me not to mack an excuss to call her of email. but I know it is for the best if I give her the space she asked for.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

hang in there...the things she is saying and doing are promising...others on here will tell you, patience is one of the hardest parts right now


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

Wish me luck, we have a meeting with the counceler this afternoon. Are youngest will be with us, she has an appointment with her counceler at the same time. We will probably not talk much on the way home. (God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference)


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

The concelling went preety well yesterday. We talked a little on the way there. While we were there she began to open up some and say what she is really thinking. The good thing is that she did nod her head yes when the conseler said something about wanting and letting me back in to her life.:smthumbup:


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

Just need to get this out of me. It is not good to hold feelings in. Over the weekend the company I work for had a Picnic, it was at a minor league baseball game. I believed that it went preaty well. Wife and two youngest gilrs went, the oldest girl had to work. 

We had talked and decided to leave around 1:30, I got a call at 1:40 saying they were running late, I was already thinking that we would be leaving @ 2. Well we got going about 2:40. 

While we were at the game the middle daughter keep complaning about this and that. More then once I and tried to talk to her about the way she was acting. Is in 13 and I know that the test you all the time. At on point I treated her the same way she was treating everbody else, She did not like it to much at all. I looked at he wife with a grin on my face. Well she sent me an email yesterday saying that I need to talk to the counceler about it.

I need to back up. The w had to work at her second job yesterday morning, so i asked her if she would like me to do the laundry that she had. The washer they have is not working. She dropped it off on her way to work. She called me later on in the morning to discus when the girls were to go back to the apartment. I said it was up to her, and ask if she would like to come for supper and they could go with her after that. She said she would come.

I had sent her an email after the game saying thanks for going along. She told me when they were leaving that she had replied to it. When I read it, I called her and ask her if she would have time to talk about it, when she said yes I asked her to give me a call later and I knew she had stuff she needed to get done.

She called me and we talked about little stuff for awhile then when we got into talking about the letter, I felt like I was back to the beginning when they left. She said in her lettler that she doesn't agree with the counceller about how us working stuff out and getting a better relationship will make it easier for me and the kids to have a good relationship. She feels that the relationship I have with the kids is what causes our problems.

Well I agree that my relationship with the kids makes ours harder, I do not believe that is the only thing. By this time we were both tiered and needed to get some sleep. I asked her if she could make me a promise, she said no she could not. Then asked what I was going to say.

I asked her if she could promise me that she would not find someone else until we had givin working us out a try. this made her upset. She said that she could not say athat it might not happen, that she was not looking for it, but it is a possiblity. So I asked her to to remember the vows we took and to please live by them. See then told me that she had for the last two years and that she has been slowly dieing for that long.

So I am not sure where we stand right now. That is why I named the "rollercoaster".

Though when I talked to her this morning, I asked her if we were ok and she said yes.



Enough for now. sorry it is so long, I just need to get it out.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

You need to just leave her alone.. Do for the kids only.. Go to MC and work on you guys tehre. I know its hard. We are guys and by nature we try to FIX things but we can't. She needs to realize it on her own. Trust me this is a major problem with my marriage currently. As my wife told me. "you can't fix this". My wife needs and sounds like yours needs space to clear her head. I wish mine was out of the house.. As that would probably speed up the process since she can't miss me being here everyday..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

mistake maker said:


> She feels that the relationship I have with the kids is what causes our problems.


I think you should bring this up in counselling...If you don't already know what she means by this, find out. It sounds as though your parenting style differs from hers and she doesn't feel it's nuturing for your girls...If she feels she's always coming in from behind to fix things with the girls after you've done/said something that she feels isn't right, she's probably just worn out and thinking time away is better for all of you.

I may be way off here as I don't know your situation, but that comment stuck out.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

The thing is I never really had a relationship with the kids. I was the money and she was the emotional. That is the way I was raised so I thought that is how it was supposed to be. 

How that I am working on being there for the kids, they and the W think I am putting on an act. I know it will take time for this to work. It is just really easy to say the h--l with it and not care.

I will not let myself do that. I have been trying to give them the space they need. One day I do good and the next is not. Two steps forward and three back.

I just love them with all my being and want to make everything right by them.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

today statred out ok, but now I fell like I could jump out of my skin. Nothing has really happened, we talked for a short time this morning about the joungest daughter. She was haveing alot of pain last night with her wrist she hurt two weeks ago. 

right know I just feel like going to her and telling her that I can not do anything without them around. I just feel like setting down and crieing for awhile, can not do that at work.

maybe I should change the background on my computer. right now it is a bunch of pictures of them.

mybe i should just get drunk, no that is what they tell me caused all these problems.

I have been sober for 44 days. I have not even thought about having a drink until right there.

I love them soo much it hurts if I even thnik about them.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Drinking only masks the pain and hurt temporary. After you sober reality hits you 2 fold cause now you regret drinking and have the same problems..


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

well, yesterday was interesting. W sent me an email asking if I could make an appointment for the youngest daughter at the doctor and take her. She has never asked me to take them to the doctor.

I jumped at the posabilty to show that i can do it. I made the appoitment and took off work to take her with out even worring about it.

on the way back she ask if I was just going to drop her off at practice, I told her I needed to stay and talk to mom about the appointment. She was hoping that I would stay for practice.

I talked to the w and told her about the appointment and that the daughter wanted me to stay for practice and what did she think about me staying. She said that if the daughter wanted me to stay then I could. I stayed for about 1/2 of it then made sure that I told the daughter goodbye before I left.

I hope that I showed that I was there for our daughter, not for the w. I did not even try to hug or kiss the w before, after or when I was there. She has told me that she believes that my relationship with the girls is what causes stress in out marriage.

all I can do is try to be patient. easier said then done.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

this well be long, i have not been on in awhile.

i though things were going in the right direction, until I get a email from the W a week ago Thursday saying "please stop calling me the little pet names just know that I love you but don't know if I am in love with you right now"

What do you do with that after her and the kids have been gone for two months. It was like a knife in the heart.

move forward too Sunday. We had tickets to go to a concert at the county fair. Ordered them 2 weeks after they moved out. We are in the truck on the way there and she says " i want you to not to keep asking her if she is OK all day". I tell her I can do that and tell her that I hope she knew that I was looking at it as more then just two freinds going to a show. We had talked about her feeling like "just friends" on Thursday when we discussed her email.

As soon as we got out of the truck she reached for my hand to hold. We held hands for 90% of the time we were there. As we were walking back to the truck she asked me what I would do if she got as bad as her mom (she has medical problems and the w hip was hurting) with out even thinking about it I said "love you even more".

Move to this week, she will hardly talk to me or give me the time of day. I do not know what to do or say most of the time.

Thanks for reading my minni novel.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It will go forward and backward all the time until she is ready to commit back into the relationship. Just try and keep moving forward for yourself. Give her the space she needs.. Hopefully she will clear her head. Seems like a lot of women get themselves so upset and nothing good can come out until that is gone..


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

a little update. 

d1=daughter 1
d2=daughter 2

When I got home last night d1 walked out of the house. Neither w or I knew she was coming out. I asked her if mom knew and she said no, so I called w to let her know she was there. She said ok, she had tried to call her and did not get an answer. About then I heard her start to cry. I told her that I knew said was heading to work that we would give her a call later. She did not answer when we tried to call, but she called us back and talked to d1 then me. w and I decided that she would go back up to the apartment last night. Before d1 and I got ready to head up I said, mom said you had something to ask me. She said we could talk about it on the way up. After the first song got over after getting in the truck I turned the radio down and ask her what it was she wanted to ask me. It was difficult for her to do, but she did it, she asked if she could move out with me. I said yes as long as it was ok with mom. I already knew the answer, but I had to make it look like I did not know what the question was. I explained that there is times I would not be in the house all the time that there days I had stuff to do on the farm, ect. She said that she understood that, but wanted to come out there because she does not like being alone in the apartment, plus I believe it has a lot to do with her and d2 not getting along.

Is letting d1 move back in with me a good thing? she is 11.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you up to it this early in your sobriety?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think it's important to make your daughters' adjustment as easy as possible. Most importantly, you need to thoroughly discuss this with your wife and be sure you two are on the same page with whatever you decide.

Once the decision is made, it would be best for you and your wife to talk to her together, as a united front. It sets good groundwork for parenting going forward.

I can understand your daughter's reasoning and would be more apt to work something out. If she were mad at mom and wanting to live with dad, it would be another story...it's not something you want to change with the wind whenever it suits them so if she is looking at this long term (and I know, kids have a way of changing their minds  ) I would take it into serious consideration.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

she wants to show a calf at the fair next fall, so that is one of the reasons, she knows that she will have to be there to feed and take care of it.

dobo- i am ready, it has been 72 days today, i have only thought about drinking once and that was only for about that long, i told myself it is not the answer.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Mistake that is great.. it's very hard to break a habit durring very stressful times. If you can do it now you won't go back.. You probably feel a lot better and I am sure some of the weight has dropped too. Keep up the good work.


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

loving 
i have lost 35 pounds and feel a lot better, i am down to 230 if i can lose another 20 i will love it. 
i am hopefull that the w will like it also


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## mistake maker (Aug 7, 2009)

the rollercoaster continues. The w and I were going to our finacial class on sunday night and she had said on saturday that she would tell me something on sunday. 
well i asked her what it was and she said that the girls fell like i do something just to prove to them that I can. I looked and her and said "no, I do them because that is how I feel". It was from me giving her a kiss on the cheek saturday and wispering I love you in her ear.
during this confersation I asked her if she knew that she treated me different when the girls were around. She said that it was easier to keep her graud up when people where around. I noticed that I said girls and she said people.
On the walk in I asked her if she knew what we were doing in reguards to working things out. The answer was " I have not made that decission yet", what the F__K am i supposed to do with that.
One day she is totally different then the next.
When we were at class I put my had on her leg and asked if that wa ok, answer "yes". then on the way home I asked her to hold my hand and she did the whole time, it is a 30 minute drive.
the time we where iin class is acted like we were just a married couple.

I am really confused. I also said something about it being a month since we had went to see our counsler. I could tell that she was thinking in her head how long it had been. Then we are supposed to go this week and she can not go becuase someone changed when the daughters cheerleadiing practice is. She cancelled last week because she was sick on one day and could not get off work to go then.
I have rescheduled our appointment for Friday in the afternoon. I am still going to go daown on Thursday alone and have a session, I really need to talk.

thanks for reading


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Mistake its called being on the fence. Some women are afraid to just jump in and the roller coaster ride is them testing every step forward. They don't say 2 steps forward 1 step back for no reason. What I have learned if you don't want to go back don't give them a reason too. I learned slow consistant love is the best way. Don't do extremes like flowers and gifts but be there. happy. Loving as your able to.. Helping her day go easier. In time she will inch forward if she is thinking about it. My wife I saw talking to a guy on FB about us. He asked if she was still confused and I saw her reply that said we are ok.. Just don't give her any reason to yo-yo.


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