# Missed the signs of depression



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Short of it is 18 months ago my wife was diagnosed with depression, and I never had a clue that it was at that stage until she came home blaming me. True I was to blame for some of our marital strife at the time, but also felt I was also a support. So counselling and treatment done, she is in recover for 12 months now. Strife in our marriage has to some degree been worked out and I am listening and doing my all to sort the rest. So ups and downs later and December we had a great month, I thought, a good Christmas and were closer than for a long time, even having a loving smooch as the kids opened their presents and had the start of a sex life again. So all good then after a good day shopping we sat and had a drink Sunday night and it all went. She had words a plenty to say about how I made her feel and why back then, nothing has changed and highlighted many failings of mine, including a few inaccuracies, which for once I corrected her on but kept calm and accurate with the facts in my defence, but she is now saying that the way I made her feel last year just doesn't go away and she can't just turn it off and is talking of separation, there is just no talking with her, as she says nothing ever changes or ever will as I just don't support her. 

Thing is I have never come across depression before so did completely miss it, but I genuinely had no idea at the time even though she is adamant it was impossible to miss, but she does work caring for mental health adults. So question is, is it easy to miss, or am I really so uncaring and thoughtless and unsupportive as suggested, and am I wrong to feel bewildered by the current sudden change from getting back on track, although not perfect, but working towards it, to a complete loss in the matter of a few hours and one drink too many?
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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

What kind of meds is she on for her depression? You mentioned treatment and and in recover for 12 months. What kind of recovery?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

She finished all meds and counselling over 12 months ago now, couldn't tell u what they were neither. It was her counselor that said no more was needed so I guess that is what I assumed was recovered?
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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are not to blame for her depression. When someone is suffering from depression, their mind does not function the same way a non-depressed person's mind functions. Her perceptions were skewed. You said she's off meds, is she in therapy?
She felt the way her depression made her feel, you didn't cause that Sometimes, its easier to blame someone else than it is to admit you are suffering from an illness.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Im not sure about finishing all her meds. Her doctor told her to stop the medication for depression? What was the reason for her stopping medications? You say she was in recovery, I'm assuming recovery from depression?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> to feel bewildered by the current sudden change from getting back on track, although not perfect, but working towards it, to a complete loss in the matter of a few hours and one drink too many?


I'm in remission from my depression and I have to say drinking is a no no for me. One drink too many for me and I promise you I will say and do things I don't mean. All this 'stuff' comes up when I drink. It's a depressant so therefore I have to avoid it.

And in my case depression is never 'cured' it's only managed. Yes I'm off meds and I'm done with therapy but my work is never done. Keeping depression at bay is something I have to work at daily.


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes as far as I know it is recovery from depression, there has not been any other need for treatment. The meds were short term to help her settle a bit and the doctor stopped them, counselling was for 6 months after which she was told she no longer needed to go. And that was all finished over 12 months ago now.

I am somewhat to blame as a large stress in our lives was wrecking havoc and I did not see the impact upon her as I was coping and it seemed she was. Then when it came to the crunch she was in a position of having to tell me to sort it one way or another as I had not seen the effect or the damage fully and I tried to have my cake and eat it as either way was going to be painful emotionally for me, so instead of taking the painful plunge of suffering for her well being, didn't give 100% support to her and tried to "fix it" to cover all my bases. I am doing my level best to correct that.

Now though the choice I made and the lack of seeing the full cause and effect has come back round and I wonder how badly I misjudged it.
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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Mavash I have noted the drink effect, it does tend to turn the situation digging up past misgivings and highlightsthe bad.
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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Sugar, carbs, aspartame, and other things have the same affect on me. Just the other day my blood sugar dropped and I was ready to bite my husband's head off. LOL 

Luckily we are both aware of it so he will steer clear until I've gotten something to eat.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I missed my own depression for a long time. i think my wife did too, she thought/thinks i am just an ass. It's only coming slightly out of it (long way to go) that I realise what I have been like while depressed.

Being labelled as depressed is also depressing so you try to find reasons, justifications and failing that.. excuses. In my case at least some opf that was pinning my misery on my wife even though she is an amazing woman and the true love of my life.

Try not to be too hard on yourself for missing it. As fpor the future I wish I could help but trying to deal with my D is a new thing for me.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Shinobi said:


> Thing is I have never come across depression before so did completely miss it, but I genuinely had no idea at the time even though she is adamant it was impossible to miss, but she does work caring for mental health adults. So question is, is it easy to miss, or am I really so uncaring and thoughtless and unsupportive as suggested, and am I wrong to feel bewildered by the current sudden change from getting back on track, although not perfect, but working towards it, to a complete loss in the matter of a few hours and one drink too many?


Depression is easy to miss because most of it is dismissed as being a character trait. For example, my younger years were:
-very quiet
-low energy
-few friends
-spent a lot of time alone
-didn't say much to anyone
-didn't show excitement for social events

The people who knew me, including my parents, just assumed that I was happy being like that. In reality, I hated being like that, almost to the point of being suicidal. I wish I knew what to say to people, I wish I had more energy, I hated being alone, and I wish things were enjoyable. I started taking illegal drugs to deal with depression, and I became the person I always wanted to be. Of course, people assumed "that was the drugs talking" since they didn't believe me when I said I was depressed that whole time, and they thought I was lying when I said the outgoing fun person on drugs was the real me. Now I'm on prescription drugs (phenelzine and fluoxetine) instead of illegal drugs, and I'm still that outgoing fun person I always wanted to be. It took a lot of time for people to come to terms with that. 

Now I see mental illness almost everywhere I go. Shy people don't like being shy; it's an illness called social anxiety and it can be treated (phenelzine is absolute magic). Lazy people don't want to be lazy; they're depressed and they might not realize it. 

If she has a real problem, she needs to do her own homework to figure out what exactly is wrong and what the treatment should be. I had to push my doctors in the right direction every step of the way. The first doctor told me to drink coffee (wtf??). I pushed a bit more, and I got bupropion (good for energy). I pushed another doctor and I got citalopram (good for social interaction). I really had to push to get fluoxetine. I had to insist for several months before I got phenelzine. If left up to the doctors, they would still be giving me random stupid crap drugs that don't do anything.


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