# I need advise please......



## bluewater42 (Jun 14, 2017)

In order to keep it short I'll leave off a lot of details. Been married for 18 years to a wonderful wife and mother. Were both 42, Best friends, never kept secrets, etc... 2 months ago she tells me she had a brief emotional affair with an old high school flame, actually went and had lunch. She told me that day and we discussed it and I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Fast forward to yesterday and I tell her I feel like she's hiding something. She explains that for some reason her mind is constantly thinking about sex, other men, 3 ways, etc.... this so out of character it's unbelievable. This is coming from a a lady that was raised Christian, lives Christian, and has always been a super wife and mother. She admittedly said, "I'm scaring myself and afraid I'm going to ruin our marrage". I've not shown any anger but I have been down and in shock at times. I just cant figure this behavior. She has lost weight and been tanning, working out etc.... and said she loves all the compliments and would never cheat. I'm 110% certain she wouldn't and hasn't cheated, but is this going to continue to escalate into her not being able to control her thoughts??? My main concern at this point is this going to lead to her asking for a divorce because she doesn't want to cheat and feels she can no longer trust herself. I just can't believe my marriage is even a little off course much less dealing with this. I appreciate any helpful insight.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

It seems as though your wife needs more excitement and kinkiness in her sex life. Have you thought about ways you could provide that to her? Perhaps if you started being more kinky, it would let her express what she needs to express, and thus prevent her from looking outside your marriage.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

this is not something you rug sweep, this is a cry for help and you need to have an open conversation....i am guessing you were her first? 
you need couple therapy and you need to have an open communication and you need to address these feelings from both sides.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

She wants to be desired. She's probably a little bored. No offense. Even if it's good, it's still been a long time. She's getting older and wants to know she's still attractive.

These can all be normal thoughts, even for a Christian. I'd avoid making her feel guilty about them. I'm no expert, but think that might somehow drive her to it more. She can be a great mom and still want great sex. I'm a great mom and after watching 8 million kid shows and movies, eventually I wanted to seek adult themes.

I don't know if you want to go kinky per se (but if you do, go for it), but I'd advise you to work with her on her fantasies as just that and stay within the marriage. If she's scared, that's all the more that you "be a man" and fill whatever sexual needs she has. She's telling you about it, which is awesome. I think you ought to be excited. A little role play, blindfolds... oh wait, that's gettting kinky. ;-)


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## bluewater42 (Jun 14, 2017)

"She wants to be desired". She actually said this! Ive tried over the past months to make her feel this way. We have been doing date night each week and are loving it. My biggest problem is duration in the bed, I'm quick and it may be days before the interest returns but I've been pulling off several 2-3 round nights. As for the kinky part, we are both into pleasing each other over ourselves and have done plenty of experimenting. I'm working on my quickness and willingness to be more frequent. She has all but said, "I need it more and for longer duration". My concern at this poi t is that her thoughts and actions have run so far off track it won't matter what I do at this point. My gut says, "your facing a divorce within 12 months"period. She was crying last night and actually brought up the idea of doing a 48 hour pass. I asked what she was talking about and she said, you go do your thing and I'll do mine for 48 hours no questions asked. I asked are you talking about a 48 sex party and she shook her head yes. What???? This led to her telling me she sometimes feels like she missed out on the collage sex life, one night stands, different men each weekend and she can't get the curiosity out of her head. We are 6 months in ti this and her thoughts are stronger and more vivid every time we talk. I asked her if I agreed to the 48 hour pass would she actually do it. She dropped her head and said, "probably". If anyone that knows my wife heard her say this they would faint. So out of her character I feel like I'm living a nightmare. 12 months ago a heavy kiss in Public was not appropriate behaviour, 2 weeks ago she had pleasuring her under the table at a restaurant and was trying to draw attention from those around us. I've lived that 20 years ago and am open to all sorts if craziness but she had me embarrassed that nite. I am so lost. 



KrisAmiss said:


> She wants to be desired. She's probably a little bored. No offense. Even if it's good, it's still been a long time. She's getting older and wants to know she's still attractive.
> 
> These can all be normal thoughts, even for a Christian. I'd avoid making her feel guilty about them. I'm no expert, but think that might somehow drive her to it more. She can be a great mom and still want great sex. I'm a great mom and after watching 8 million kid shows and movies, eventually I wanted to seek adult themes.
> 
> I don't know if you want to go kinky per se (but if you do, go for it), but I'd advise you to work with her on her fantasies as just that and stay within the marriage. If she's scared, that's all the more that you "be a man" and fill whatever sexual needs she has. She's telling you about it, which is awesome. I think you ought to be excited. A little role play, blindfolds... oh wait, that's gettting kinky. ;-)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Many women experience a huge increase in their sex drive sometime in their 40's. That's probably what's behind this. Well that and your marriage probably needs a tune up.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together doing date-like things, just the two of you?


Here are some books that I think will help you and your wife.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" {see links in my signature block below}


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you she needs it for longer than you can do right now, why not get some kind of vibrator and even other toys?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP she's already got a taste of it she's already. That's why she's freaking out... she's already a cheater.! I'm positive I read about this. she's going through a midlife crisis, they become hyper sexual.! Almost like a manic bipolar person. There is no stopping her. She's already got a taste of it. so she's already done something that she shouldn't have with someone else then her husband and it's grounds for divorce. That's why she sitting there pleading with him because if she can get him to say then she's in at the worry about it. The worst part is I don't even know what to tell you to do better go get f**k.?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

bluewater42 said:


> In order to keep it short I'll leave off a lot of details. Been married for 18 years to a wonderful wife and mother. Were both 42, Best friends, never kept secrets, etc... 2 months ago she tells me she had a brief emotional affair with an old high school flame, actually went and had lunch. She told me that day and we discussed it and I just couldn't wrap my head around it. Fast forward to yesterday and I tell her I feel like she's hiding something. She explains that for some reason her mind is constantly thinking about sex, other men, 3 ways, etc.... this so out of character it's unbelievable. This is coming from a a lady that was raised Christian, lives Christian, and has always been a super wife and mother. She admittedly said, "I'm scaring myself and afraid I'm going to ruin our marrage". I've not shown any anger but I have been down and in shock at times. I just cant figure this behavior. She has lost weight and been tanning, working out etc.... and said she loves all the compliments and would never cheat. I'm 110% certain she wouldn't and hasn't cheated, but is this going to continue to escalate into her not being able to control her thoughts??? My main concern at this point is this going to lead to her asking for a divorce because she doesn't want to cheat and feels she can no longer trust herself. I just can't believe my marriage is even a little off course much less dealing with this. I appreciate any helpful insight.


How much porn is she watching, what is she reading. Do you have any of the texts from this man? What has been the consequences from her EA? How do you know she is telling the truth? Cheaters lie, they are good at it. Is she still in contact with him? Is she in counseling?

You should ask for a divorce and scare the hell out of her at the very least, print out the papers online and show them too her. By the way she is not that wonderful quit romanticizing her and see her for who she is a cheater. She has had no consequences at all.

Besides all of this, I dare say 75% of all men would love to live like this. Why is it OK because a women want's to. You can control your sex drive why can't she? If she does this it will not be a good end for her. 

It could also be hormonal and have to do with the change of life. Look at this. Someone posted about this once here. She went to a specialist and got treatment before she blew up her world.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

I agree she's already stepped out and is now looking for cover. OP, check your cell phone bill, see if there's a number she's calling or texting frequently. If so that's her new guy.


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

OP, you sound so sweet. Maybe too sweet for her at this time?

It does sound like she has someone lined up.

You could lengthen the foreplay. Pleasure her with toys. Talk dirty.

And or remind her she avoided STD's and pregnancies in college.

If she shows more signs of being mental, know that that can crop up at any time. If she says she can't control her thoughts, believe her and get help. She may honestly need help. I know someone who had a psychotic break at 45. idk if it's the late life hormones? but if she truly doesn't seem to be in control, she may not be.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears to me you are getting groomed for what really happened with OM. It was more then an EA. Three way suggested by your W I would assume involves OM if you were agreeable. 

Question is, do you want to spent the next few year or life wondering if you a making the grade in the bedroom?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bluewater42 said:


> "She wants to be desired". She actually said this! Ive tried over the past months to make her feel this way. We have been doing date night each week and are loving it. My biggest problem is duration in the bed, I'm quick and it may be days before the interest returns but I've been pulling off several 2-3 round nights. As for the kinky part, we are both into pleasing each other over ourselves and have done plenty of experimenting. I'm working on my quickness and willingness to be more frequent. She has all but said, "I need it more and for longer duration". My concern at this poi t is that her thoughts and actions have run so far off track it won't matter what I do at this point. My gut says, "your facing a divorce within 12 months"period. She was crying last night and actually brought up the idea of doing a 48 hour pass. I asked what she was talking about and she said, you go do your thing and I'll do mine for 48 hours no questions asked. I asked are you talking about a 48 sex party and she shook her head yes. What???? This led to her telling me she sometimes feels like she missed out on the collage sex life, one night stands, different men each weekend and she can't get the curiosity out of her head. We are 6 months in ti this and her thoughts are stronger and more vivid every time we talk. I asked her if I agreed to the 48 hour pass would she actually do it. She dropped her head and said, "probably". If anyone that knows my wife heard her say this they would faint. So out of her character I feel like I'm living a nightmare. 12 months ago a heavy kiss in Public was not appropriate behaviour, 2 weeks ago she had pleasuring her under the table at a restaurant and was trying to draw attention from those around us. I've lived that 20 years ago and am open to all sorts if craziness but she had me embarrassed that nite. I am so lost.


This is all so incredibly common in women, especially women raised in a strong religious way, where they are 'taught' how to think and behave. It takes a woman until she's about 35 to 40 to finally start thinking for herself, stop letting 'society' (read: church) tell her what she's supposed to be. By 40, the sex drive is in high gear and she's less ashamed to admit it. 

The good thing is that she's being honest with you. Now, going the 'hall pass' route is not a good idea - I've never seen it work out well. But I HAVE seen couples go into more 'stuff' and do it together and it strengthens the marriage. If you're anywhere near a decent sized city, you'll be able to find some sort of group or organization that will allow you to explore that part of your lives, and do it together.

Educating yourself on new ways of being together sexually is in order here. There's a great book you can get that lets you two do just this, if you can find a copy:https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/52-invitations-to-grrreat-sex-laura-corn/1115861385


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

bluewater42 said:


> "She wants to be desired". She actually said this! Ive tried over the past months to make her feel this way. We have been doing date night each week and are loving it. My biggest problem is duration in the bed, I'm quick and it may be days before the interest returns but I've been pulling off several 2-3 round nights. As for the kinky part, we are both into pleasing each other over ourselves and have done plenty of experimenting. I'm working on my quickness and willingness to be more frequent. She has all but said, "I need it more and for longer duration". My concern at this poi t is that her thoughts and actions have run so far off track it won't matter what I do at this point. My gut says, "your facing a divorce within 12 months"period. She was crying last night and actually brought up the idea of doing a 48 hour pass. I asked what she was talking about and she said, you go do your thing and I'll do mine for 48 hours no questions asked. I asked are you talking about a 48 sex party and she shook her head yes. What???? This led to her telling me she sometimes feels like she missed out on the collage sex life, one night stands, different men each weekend and she can't get the curiosity out of her head. We are 6 months in ti this and her thoughts are stronger and more vivid every time we talk. I asked her if I agreed to the 48 hour pass would she actually do it. She dropped her head and said, "probably". If anyone that knows my wife heard her say this they would faint. So out of her character I feel like I'm living a nightmare. 12 months ago a heavy kiss in Public was not appropriate behaviour, 2 weeks ago she had pleasuring her under the table at a restaurant and was trying to draw attention from those around us. I've lived that 20 years ago and am open to all sorts if craziness but she had me embarrassed that nite. I am so lost.


In regards to lasting longer, you might try wearing a condom. It will dull the sensation for you, thus buying you some extra time. If you can't keep up with her need for intercourse, then you need to start pleasing her manually, or with toys, whenever she wants it.

She feels like she's stranded in a desert dying of thirst. You need to find a way to become a tall glass of cold water. Stop coming up with reasons you can't satisfy her, and start creating ways that you can.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

bluewater42 said:


> "She wants to be desired". She actually said this! Ive tried over the past months to make her feel this way. We have been doing date night each week and are loving it. My biggest problem is duration in the bed, I'm quick and it may be days before the interest returns but I've been pulling off several 2-3 round nights. As for the kinky part, we are both into pleasing each other over ourselves and have done plenty of experimenting. I'm working on my quickness and willingness to be more frequent. She has all but said, "I need it more and for longer duration". My concern at this poi t is that her thoughts and actions have run so far off track it won't matter what I do at this point. My gut says, "your facing a divorce within 12 months"period. She was crying last night and actually brought up the idea of doing a 48 hour pass. I asked what she was talking about and she said, you go do your thing and I'll do mine for 48 hours no questions asked. I asked are you talking about a 48 sex party and she shook her head yes. What???? This led to her telling me she sometimes feels like she missed out on the collage sex life, one night stands, different men each weekend and she can't get the curiosity out of her head. We are 6 months in ti this and her thoughts are stronger and more vivid every time we talk. I asked her if I agreed to the 48 hour pass would she actually do it. She dropped her head and said, "probably". If anyone that knows my wife heard her say this they would faint. So out of her character I feel like I'm living a nightmare. 12 months ago a heavy kiss in Public was not appropriate behaviour, 2 weeks ago she had pleasuring her under the table at a restaurant and was trying to draw attention from those around us. I've lived that 20 years ago and am open to all sorts if craziness but she had me embarrassed that nite. I am so lost.


I would certainly give her a forty eight hour pass.
Every two days for the rest of her life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Two things...

1. She has a very specific someone in mind for this 48-hour "pass". It may or not be the old HS guy.

2. Which of her friends and/or co-workers have recently divorced?


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## AussieRN (Mar 28, 2013)

She may already have someone in mind for this 48 hour pass.

She actually be having a bipolar episode. 

If she needs "it" for longer, or more than you can provide naturally I suggest an appropriately sized (ie not lol worthy) dildo and a Hitachi wand for you to help her reach her happy place as often as she needs.

If she wants it kinky then IMHO its your job as her husband to provide what she needs (don't go all feminist on me ladies the reverse is also true imho). Unless its something truly nasty or seriously illegal there's little reason not to do your best to give it.

You need to have some really honest, open conversations about what she wants/needs.


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