# Wife went on vacation for 2 weeks,complains that the house is messy after she returns



## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

*I'm new to this forum so a bit about myself: FEEL FREE TO SKIP THIS INTRO*

"I'm actually a late 30's male who has been married for 5 years (we've know each other for 8) and have an awesome 2.5 year old son and an non obient dog...hahaha.

I work 6.5 days a week, but on I'd say I put in about 46-52 hours per week at work, make about 8-10 the national average for income so I cannot complain and work is relatively stress free. *I still manage to spend 4-5 hours a day with my family/child and just have less of my own personal time for hobbies and exercise. *I'm an anti-foodie in the sense that I eat more for health than taste, if it's healthy and tasty I'll probably eat it, but if it's just tasty and not too healthy I'll probably skip it.

I'm on this site to get different prespective on issues and topics I come across in my life. I'm always open for opinions, critism and even the occasional beat down.....if I get out of line  "

*Here is my main TOPIC, which I hope I can get some feedback and advice on:*

My wife went on vacation for 2 weeks to visit a family member, due to work related reasons I was unable to go. *I continued to work and take care of my son from Monday to Fridays for 2 continuous weeks. *I would do everything from Monday to Friday, except pick up my son (as my work ends past 6pm, so I had my father pick up my son). *My father would wait at home for me and I would return home to cook dinner for the 3 of us. *Dinner was prepared the night before or in the morning by me, thus when I returned home it was a quick 15-20 min cooking session before eating. *After eating I would always take my son out to explore the city or the park or some form of recreational activity so he would expend his energy and goto sleep. *My son still sleeps with me and my wife and with my wife gone, he will only sleep next to me or on top of me (I know this is a bad habit...hahaha). *So after playing with him and bathing him, I would put him to bed, but I would also have to sleep next to him otherwise he wouldn't sleep. *Thus, I pretty much had no free time from Monday to Friday.

I was lucky that one Saturday and Sunday I was able to arrange help (as I also work on those days) as I'm even busier at work on the weekends than the weekdays.

To make a long story, I cut a part of my thumb off with a mandoline slicer 1 day after my wife went on her vacation. *I went to the Emergency and go everything fixed, but the doctor told me not to wet my hand for 2-3 weeks until the cut is healed. *I continued to do everything myself and this continued until my wife returned. *

I didn't do anything that would require me to get my hand wet, which included some of the cleaning. If my hand wasn't injured I would have been able to clean a bit more.

When she returned she complained that the house was messy and that it took her 5-6 hours to clean, but she cleaned it to a cleaner state than what it was when she left, so it my mind it was more like 3-4 hours of cleaning. *Then I thought if I'm injuried, working 6.5 days a week and taking care of my son, it's not that bad if you come home after and two week vacation and need to spend 4-5 hours cleaning over a span of two days (say 2.5 hours a day). *I was just happy to see her again, however *I thought it was inconsiderate and insensitive of her to complain and rant about this for a good half hour once she stepped into the house and for the next several days.

Two weeks pass and I hear my father in law tell me that he heard I left the house messy for his daughter to clean up. *I kept quiet as this guy is heavily biased towards his daughter/my wife. *At this point I explained my views regarding this matter to my wife and questioned he as to why she told her dad about our private info?

*Additional info added July 23 @ 8:35pm EST:*

1. She didn't want to bring our son, b/c she felt it would be too difficult to take care of him on her vacation to see her brother. In addition, she felt the flight would be too long for him (22 hours with connecting flights). Thus, she decided to leave him here with me. I didn't mind that, as I wanted to really appreciate her contributions to the house when she was gone. That way the excess effort that I would have to put it would be what she has to do when she is here; I wanted to experience and feel her contributions so that I could grow and appreciate her more as a person, wife, mom. I like to challenge myself.

2. If 10 is 'CLEAN' for a house, it was a 7.25 when she left and when she returned it was about a 5.5. Thus, it is not as clean, but it was by no means a pig sty. I think it may have been the contrast of how she was living on her holiday - almost resort style living or super clean environment and then having to readjust to her 7.25 clean expectation, but ending up seeing 5.5 clean level may have threw her off.

3. I had a small skin graft on my thumb and my thumb was in a thumb splint, thus I couldn't really wear any gloves to do the chores and the Emergency Room Physician said to do minimal with that hand, as any further trauma could delay healing and the chances of the graft surviving. (I'll never use a mandoline again ~ those things are dangerous). Even after my injury I continued to challenge myself to see how much I could do (I know, probably not the smartest idea)










4. I had to take a trip to Kyoto and Osaka for 10 days a few months ago, due to a disruption at my work. It was very last minute and her and my son were not able to come. (I know it sounds bad, all these trips independently, but all previous trips were as a family). Out of those 10 days, my mother in law took care of the child and she stayed over at her moms. Not only did my mother in law take care of our son for half of those 10 days, I believe that she also took care of everything for my wife (my wife comes from a very spoiled family where pretty all home chores are done - cooking, cleaning, lawncare, snow shovelling, washing, folding, etc....). I also was hoping she would've taken this time to challenge herself to see what my contributions have been when I'm present, but she chose the easy way out. If you challenge yourself, you'll actually appreciate what the other person brings to the table.

When I left the house the cleaness level was 7.5 and when I returned the cleaness level was 7.5, thus there was no improvement or decline. 

Not sure if what happened after she returned from her vacation was some form of blowback for the fact that I had to be in Japan for 10 days. Maybe she feels neglected

5. For me to explain stuff to my father in law is useless, when talking to him he has admitted that he only believes 30 percent of what I sat to be the truth. I have no reason to lie to him, as it doesn't help me and my wife resolve any of our 'issues'. If making him believe my version of the story solved all my problems, that would be another story, but that would also be impossible. So I don't follow his logic.

6. My wife explaining stuff to her dad or even 'friends' are useless in my mind, b/c they have even more dysfunctional relationships that me and my wife...hahahaha. So why would I ask directions from a blind person! In addition, they are biased and would comfort her and support her in views, which is not only unhealthy in the long run, but not fair to either party as it can make the problem even bigger than it is (it's like the k-fed and britney spears case - the microscope blows things out of proportion TMZ style...hahaha). When I have problems or issues, I typically try to discuss the matter with my wife or with individuals who don't know her personally or individuals whom she'll never meet. I feel this is more noble and honourable form of conduct.

7. I couldn't use external help to clean the house, b/c I had some very very expensive and fragile equipment in the house that couldn't be moved. My wife was aware of this and thus we never use external help to clean the house when we have our clients equipment imported in from germany. If the expensive equipment wasn't there, I think I would use hired help. Also the equipment is small and fragile, so renting a warehouse or storage unit is not required.

8. My wife was making about minimum wage when I met her, but I saw that her potential was much greater than this. I think she's a genius at school, so I had a plan/map to turn her life around so she could potentialize some of her academic gifts and talents. It wasnt' easy, but eventually I gave her step by step instructions on what to do in order to get into Graduate School. She just needed a big nudge and encouragement and she was soon getting straight 'A' in her Graduate Program. I supported her mentally, financially and psychologically during her and before her Graduate School Years. My wife also makes about 2.25 to 2.75x the national average for working about 30 hours a week (I feed her 50% of her business as it's syngergystic with mine line of work). So my wife is no a SAHM. She has about 4 or 5 half days off a week.

8. I agree that the kid should be sleeping in his own bed as it's best for his development and ours. I will expand on this on another thread as it goes beyond the scope of this thread 

9. I feel my wife is care from a spoiled upbringing in the sense that she had to do very little or no chores. If she got of the bus stop 1/4 mile away her mom would drive out to pick her up and her neighbourhood is safe and secure. We are not talking about the hood. She was not spoiled financially or emotionally, just with the responsibility of performing chores as an independent adult. She lived at home until we met (except for when she was in undergrad) and never really lived fully on her own. Thus I feel she never really reached full independence prior to meeting me.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

What was her answer?

You both had different perspectives, you've discussed it. As far as I know you've both come to an understanding since you stopped at that point.

If you haven't come to some sort of understanding, you'll just have to discuss it again until she can see it from your point of view. Her irritation comes from her wanting to come back to everything sorted and under control. Probably not very realistic considering your work commitments. The hand thing, well, it happened after she left so I'm guessing she only knew what you told her. Doesn't sound all that serious from your description here so probably didn't sound all that serious to her when you told her about it either.

So after a lovely two weeks away, probably missing you and your son heaps, she walks into a pig sty. If you didn't get your hands wet for two weeks, I'm thinking it was disgusting. There goes all those wonderful feelings of homecoming, replaced with disgust and annoyance because now all she can think about is all the cleaning she has to do. No, not particularly understanding of your situation, but no one wants to deal with that crap after getting back from a holiday, no one.

Maybe you could both take from this a little better understanding of each other and figure out ways to deal with things better next time.

As for the talking to her Dad, well, it's not really that big a deal. When a person gets irritated, sometimes they feel they need to get it off their chest and that talking to their spouse will just start another fight instead of solve anything. Her Dad was in error in bringing it up with you. It was none of his business, he should just be a sympathetic listener and keep his thoughts about it to himself.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I have three observations, which are indirectly related to your question.

1. Your son is 2.5 years old, but still needs to sleep next to you. I see disaster ahead for your marriage if this continues.

2. You work 7 days a week. I see disaster ahead for your marriage if this continues.

3. Why couldn't you explain what happened to your father in law? It's not really his business, but since he's already forced himself into the conversation, then he should get the whole picture, not just what he heard from his daughter. 

One piece of advice:

Since your wife thinks you could have done better, ask her to explain, under the circumstances, exactly what did she expect you to do differently? Don't accept vague answers like "keep the house clean" but specifics like "scrub the floors one day from 7-8 pm", etc. Once she starts to think about the specifics, and how difficult it would be given your situation, she might be more understanding.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

breeze said:


> Maybe you could both take from this a little better understanding of each other and figure out ways to deal with things better next time.


I am curious how you think the OP could have dealt better with it?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

One thing I've observed in my years of dating/being married... Women (in general) HATE to come home, after time away, to a messy house. It's like a top 3 peeve. In your case, the easy solution is either a glove so you could clean up without getting your hand wet, or hire a cleaning service the day or two before she got home.

But as some other people have noted... I see significant other red flags for your relationship. You may want to start thinking about how to rebalance things before they blow up. Just IMHO. 

C


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Theseus said:


> I am curious how you think the OP could have dealt better with it?


Warn her before she gets home that the house is a pig sty and why.

or

Get help in to clean the place up before she gets home. 

or

Discuss ahead of time what they expect of each other and figure out if these are realistic expectations or not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What a princess. She gets two weeks off from any chores, childcare and responsibilities and she has the nerve to complain about 5-6 hours of cleaning. Then she whines to her daddy who has the nerve to stick his nose into your marriage.

They both need an attitude adjustment. An apology and thank you from your wife wouldn't hurt, either.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Stand up for yourself.

She comes home, starts complaining about it being messy... Your response: "I missed you too". If she keeps doing it, tell her that she should call up whoever she just stayed with to see if they will take her back.

When her father stated his comment, you should say she is welcome to live with him if she doesn't like it here.

Other comments:

Why is your wife going on vacation by herself? This is a sign that she is unhappy in her marriage. Is she working? 

You have to arrange your life as follows:
Good Marriage ---> Fun Family ----> Best upbringing for you child ----> Work

If your kid is in day care for that long amount of time, you are violating this arrangement. If your wife is taking vacations by herself, you are violating this arrangment. If you are working too much, you are violating this arrangement. If your kid is sleeping with you, you are violating this arrangement as the kid is literally and figuratively "coming between" husband and wife.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I will agree with Blondilocks and Hicks. Was her entitlement attitude this bad before she went of vacation to visit family? If not, something changed in her while away. A boundary changed, in you, her, or both of you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Theseus said:


> I have three observations, which are indirectly related to your question.
> 
> 1. Your son is 2.5 years old, but still needs to sleep next to you. I see disaster ahead for your marriage if this continues.
> 
> ...


Well this is all spot on advice I will add some. Your son needs his own bed. Enough said on that.

Your post is unclear but are you saying that you make 8-10x the national average? If that's so hire some help you easily afford it.


Why didn't you go on vacation with you wife?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yeah if I cut my finger bad, I would not be doing a lot of washing with it. But after a week it would probably be ok.

When my wife comes back from a business trip, I make sure at least the dishes are done and the garbage is out. you can do the dishes with 1 hand if you have a dishwasher.

If I were you I would have hired a maid for the day before she got back, it would have given the appearance of clean, without the expense of actually having someone clean earlier in the 2 weeks.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why didn't you hire cleaners to come in for an all-day cleaning the day before she got back? Or tape your finger up really well and wear heavy-duty cleaning gloves and at least clean some of it? Because I'm sure you knew she was going to react exactly the way she did and if you didn't want to hear it then you should have tried to head that off before it happened.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

What the hell is your wife doing going on vacation without here loved one (you) and your child?

That's REALLY messed up.

And she comes back and *****es? Not only to you but her father?

Sounds like she is doing her own thing on the side.......but I hope I'm wrong here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Theseus said:


> 1. Your son is 2.5 years old, but still needs to sleep next to you. I see disaster ahead for your marriage if this continues.


How so? 

All of our kids slept with us until 5 years old or so (we never used ONE crib).

How does this cause any kind of disaster. We both LOVED sleeping with our babies/toddlers...actually, we both miss it now that they are older.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

All the stuff Theseus pointed out is bang on, take a good hard look at that OP.

Now, to your question at hand, why are you sweating this?

Whenever my wife goes away without me, she ALWAYS complains that the house is messy when she comes home.

And I don't give a damn. Why? She's a SAHM that just had a vacation. Of course things get messier when there is half the people cleaning up.

When I go on vacation, I come home to a mess at work. Do my coworkers give a damn?

No. Why?

Because I just came back from having a vacation and they didn't.

Me? I smirk, shrug my shoulders, and go do something I couldn't do while she was away... and leave her to fix something that was bothering her.

I'm not saying it's OK to leave a disaster. But it is OK not to have to live up to her standards while she's on vacation and you're both working and keeping stuff together with the kids at home.

Think of it another way. If you were to leave for a two week vacation and come home complaining that the lawn hasn't been mowed, would you expect her to listen?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Ever hear of rubber gloves? Now I know it was a painful thing to slice you thumb up and mobility in your hand would be limited but there are ways.

Now on the other hand, if she knew that you cut your hand, she should have been a bit more lenient before she started complaining.

As far a father in law goes, tell him to mind his own business. It's not like you beat the hell out of your wife every night and come home boozed up. You hurt yourself and if he can't handle that then that's his problem to deal with and I would make it abundantly clear to him.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

If you cut your hand then your wife is being a brat about it. She should be thankful that you watched the child and did some housework so that she could go. (Why did she go on vacation without you?? That's not normal)

About your child, you should not be having to sleep beside him at this point. My daughter stopped sleeping beside me at 2 months old. It's just not necessary. Yes you should read him a bedtime story and maybe sing to him but that is all. Not getting that quality time with your wife is going to hurt your marriage and you not getting free time is your own fault if that is the case because you're letting your child make the decisions.

Your wife sounds pretty selfish. Even if she did tell her dad, he had no right to say anything to you about it. You should have just told him "that is between me and her" because he is not a member of the marriage. She should have said something to him for saying something to you about it.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

OP, there are two things going on here:

1) Your wife just went away for TWO weeks of single-life vacation while you held down the kids, the paycheck, and whatever cleaning you could do. While finding time to go to the ER. She is taking you for granted and acting in quite the entitled manner.

2) My guess is that the other things you mentioned in the thread and that others have commented on are causing her to feel like you are never around, and she's building a life without you. This is really really bad for your marriage.

So, with regard to the cleaning thing, you're winning the battle but losing the war.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A head's up to her about the state of the house probably would have been a good idea. But she should have been more understanding. 

And GET YOUR KID OUT OF YOUR BED!


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

If wife went on a 2 week vacation to visit a family members, then why didn't she take your son with her? Wouldn't the family like to spend time and see your son also?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bigbearsfan said:


> If wife went on a 2 week vacation to visit a family members, then why didn't she take your son with her? Wouldn't the family like to spend time and see your son also?


One would think....husband too......

it all sounds SO sketchy.

Fact that she blows up at him upon return like that, tells me that she is making him feel guilty....and chances are high that she is doing it so that SHE doesn't feel guilty OR to divert his thoughts from the obvious (which is her 2 week vacation WITHOUT her family).


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

DoF said:


> One would think....husband too......
> 
> it all sounds SO sketchy.
> 
> Fact that she blows up at him upon return like that, tells me that she is making him feel guilty....and chances are high that she is doing it so that SHE doesn't feel guilty OR to divert his thoughts from the obvious (which is her 2 week vacation WITHOUT her family).


:iagree: Glad i'm not the only one thinking that.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Next time, use the hand-guard for the mandolin. Or next time whatever gets cut off they might not be able to put back on.

(Seriously though, those things are dangerous.)


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JMHO.....and its going to be harsh!


your wife is an entitled b*tch. she goes away for two weeks as you work clean and care for a toddler. Then has the nerve to say the house wasn't clean enough when she got home. and then has the nervet to complain about it to her father who has the nerve to say something to you about it.


crazy crazy crazy.


red flag #1 i don't know many mothers who would leave a 2.5 yr old for two weeks with out feeling bad and most wouldn't do it.

red flag#2 instead of being gratefull she has a husband who can make the bacon and be a rock at home so she can go on leave for 2 wks. she complains that you didn't clean .

red flag 3 she bashed you behind your back to her father.

grow a pair and realise what a b*tch this woman is.

then tell her dad to mind his own business. 

start protecting yourself in case of a divorce get your ducks in a row I think it won't be long before you realise a lifet time of this isn't going to cut it for you.

have you childs dna checked.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

bigbearsfan said:


> If wife went on a 2 week vacation to visit a family members, then why didn't she take your son with her? Wouldn't the family like to spend time and see your son also?





DoF said:


> One would think....husband too......
> 
> it all sounds SO sketchy.
> 
> Fact that she blows up at him upon return like that, tells me that she is making him feel guilty....and chances are high that she is doing it so that SHE doesn't feel guilty OR to divert his thoughts from the obvious (which is her 2 week vacation WITHOUT her family).





bigbearsfan said:


> :iagree: Glad i'm not the only one thinking that.


Something doesn't pass the sniff test and it isn't the unwashed kitchen counters.

She should have taken the kid with her to see relatives.

Blowing up about the cleaning that needed to be done when you work so many hours is outrageous.

Sure, to be addressed is the amount of time you work and the amount of free time she has.

But sticking to the immediate stuff?

Your wife is out of line, sorry.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> Next time, spend some $$$ and hire a cleaning service to get the house **** and span before she arrives home.


Why? Honest question.

Because if a husband went on a two week vacation, leaving his wife and kid behind, where she was working full-time during that two weeks (and had a stop in the ER during that time), then came home and complained about a messy house, I don't see that as a suggestion that would be offered by anyone.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lila said:


> OP, your wife in entitled to feel the way she but you are also entitled not to have to listen to her b!tch. This was an issue with mismanaged expectations. Live and learn. Next time, spend some $$$ and hire a cleaning service to get the house **** and span before she arrives home.


so she gets to go on vacation visiting family and he should work 6.5 day a week take care of the toddler and cook and then make sure the house is **** and span so shes not b*tchy when shes gets home.


OMG.................

if the shoe was on the other foot!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Speaking as a guy... If I went away for two weeks and came back to a laundry list of things to do and the grass a foot high in the back yard, I'd probably be p1ssed too. And I might even vent to my dad. 

Like I said before... When a woman comes back from a trip to a messy house, it rarely goes well, in my experience. He had alternatives that eliminated his "no wet finger" issue. The working 6.5 days a week is a bigger issue in his marriage than being an excuse for not keeping things tidy (she likely feels like a single mom). The fact that he makes a poopload of money doesn't necessarily help, aside from removing an excuse about hiring a cleaning service when he knew he "couldn't" clean properly before she got home. 

I'll leave the whole "mom on holidays without family" thing alone, as it was apparently acceptable to him before she left... My take, though... This incident is a symptom of the problems in their marriage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Hiring a cleaning crew to come to the house when one is away at work is problematic.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> How so?
> 
> All of our kids slept with us until 5 years old or so (we never used ONE crib).
> 
> How does this cause any kind of disaster. We both LOVED sleeping with our babies/toddlers...actually, we both miss it now that they are older.


To each their own, and I know it's also a cultural thing. But your sex life goes out the window, and going out together at night is impossible. I have read several threads on TAM where that was the case. Moreover, the longer you keep your children in your bed with you, the harder it will be to get them to later sleep on their own.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Chillymorn and TallAverageGuy - Pbear explained it much better than I ever could.


Sorry, ain't buying it. In Pbear's scenario, no one would have told the woman that she was lazy and she should have called a yard service. 

I have been in that situation. Gone for work for three weeks, while my wife was at home with the kids. I got back and stuff was not done the way I would have liked it. Plus some stuff my wife does not normally do. I certainly did not chew her out or note her failure. Yes, I was a bit miffed, but she had her hands full with a lot of stuff.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP stated he couldn't go for work reasons. One would have to assume the wife would have spent 5-6 hours cleaning if she had been home for 2 weeks so what's the beef? It isn't her dirt so she doesn't have to clean it? 

They couldn't have done that much damage being they were both out of the house the majority of the time.

The wife could have arranged for a cleaning service to come while she was away, too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lila said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Chillymorn and TallAverageGuy - Pbear explained it much better than I ever could.


this guy is pure beta. and this woman is pure b****.

buddy put your foot down now or foreve live with the conquence.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

does this woman even work?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

The thing getting overlooked with all the cleaning service advice is that, while the wife would have preferred to come home to a clean house, the husband would have preferred her to come home with an appreciation of what he had done while she was out having 2 weeks of vacation. Or at least made it a priority to show him she missed him.

The cleaning service is not going to fix those issues.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe it's time for you to start planning your own solo two-week vacation. Bet you'd enjoy it. Bet she'd b*tch at you when you came back, too.

There's no need for you to accept her complaints. _You _know you did the best you could, and that she was extremely fortunate to be able to take two weeks away without any responsibilities or even concerns about her child.

Just tell her that you expect her to be civil and loving toward her husband and walk away if she starts b*tching some more.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lila said:


> Pick your battles.


I don't see the messy house as the issue here. I see it as a lack of respect and consideration for her spouse who was doing his best to be a good parent while also working full time while she was on vacation. 

It's supposed to be a team effort, one for all and all for one. 

"I had a great time, sweetheart! Missed you and toddler-boy so much! So happy to be home! Thank you for holding down the fort so I could get away and relax!"

And then work out how to get the house back into shape. It doesn't have to be adversarial, and shouldn't be, except she chose to make it so without acknowledging how lucky she is. She sees a glass that's almost full and b*tches that it isn't completely full to overflowing.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> This is the perfect opportunity for the OP to come out on top the next time (if there is one) this situation ever occurs. Why not be the better person and get the house clean before her return? All it takes is a phone call and a couple of hundred bucks, that according to his post, he can well afford.


How is that being the better person? It is just caving to a tantrum.



> For the record, I have been on both sides of OP's situation. My husband has taken 10 day vacations where I was having to work, take care of our son, and keep the house in order. I've also come home to a messy house after being on vacation for week. I hired the cleaning service both times, one for before hubby returned and the other for after my return. The result was no argument.
> 
> Pick your battles.


I don't see it as a battle at all. I would have ignored her as well.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lila said:


> Could be seen as caving to a tantrum or........... it could be seen as taking something off of her plate which she will appreciate resulting in that fantastic, "I've been away for 2 weeks can't wait to jump your bones and ride you like a pony" sex Yippie Kai-Ai. Ya'll.


If getting away for two weeks was not enough, then that was not going to happen any way.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

Lila said:


> Could be seen as caving to a tantrum or........... it could be seen as taking something off of her plate which she will appreciate resulting in that fantastic, "I've been away for 2 weeks can't wait to jump your bones and ride you like a pony" sex Yippie Kai-Ai. Ya'll.


Or maybe she is projecting quilt for playing or trying to play "Yippie Kai-Ai with some other mother trucker".


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I wish the OP would clear up the concerns on this post....


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Updated original post in response to your post. Thanks for the great insight!



breeze said:


> What was her answer?
> 
> You both had different perspectives, you've discussed it. As far as I know you've both come to an understanding since you stopped at that point.
> 
> ...


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Updated original post in response to your post. Thanks for the great insight!

I agree with all of your 3 points. Thank you.



Theseus said:


> I have three observations, which are indirectly related to your question.
> 
> 1. Your son is 2.5 years old, but still needs to sleep next to you. I see disaster ahead for your marriage if this continues.
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you calling your pool questions your original post? I don't see an OP by you.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

MY ORIGINAL THREAD DISAPPEARED AFTER EDITING IT TO ANSWER MANY OF THE QUESTIONS AND CONCERNS BROUGHT UP ON THIS THREAD.

ANY IDEA WHAT HAPPENED ADMIN? I WAS EDITING IT FOR A BIT OF TIME, SO I'M NOT SURE IF THERE IS A TIME OUT...

I would be great if I could get back my text. Next time I'll use my word processor as a back up.


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

After 30+ years, when the wife leaves I have learned to live in about 3 small areas (2x2) of the house and that makes them easy to clean before she gets back.

It is important to make a good impression when she walks through the door.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

There's a glitch on the site, unless I made a error. When you edit an OP for too long, it somehow deletes the entire OP post. I updated my OP and it disappeared entirely. 

I've contacted the webmaster to see if they can restore the OP along with the edits or just the OP without the edits. 

I'll wait for their response before updating any further.

Thanks you for everyones input and advice thus far.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Please don't update the op. Just respond in order. It makes it extremely difficult to follow.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

The OP of this thread 'disappeared'. This is the original post for this thread. My apologizes for this irregular order; not exactly sure how this happened and it kind of throws the whole thread off:

ORIGINAL POST:
I'm new to this forum so a bit about myself:

"I'm actually a late 30's male who has been married for 5 years (we've know each other for 8) and have an awesome 2 and a half year old son and an non obient dog...hahaha.
I work 6.5 days a week, but on I'd say I put in about 46-52 hours per week at work, make about 8-10 the national average for income so I cannot complain and work is relatively stress free. *I still manage to spend 4-5 hours a day with my family/child and just have less of my own personal time for hobbies and exercise. *I'm an anti-foodie in the sense that I eat more for health than taste, if it's healthy and tasty I'll probably eat it, but if it's just tasty and not too healthy I'll probably skip it.
I'm on this site to get a female's prespective on issues and topics I come across in my life. *Hopefully my maie perspective can add some enlightment (or not) to some of the conversations in this community. *I'm always open for opinions, critism and even the occasional beat down.....if I get out of line  "

My wife went on vacation for 2 weeks to visit a family member, due to work related reasons I was unable to go. *I continued to work and take care of my son from Monday to Fridays for 2 continuous weeks. *I would do everything from Monday to Friday, except pick up my son (as my work ends past 6pm, so I had my father pick up my son). *My father would wait at home for me and I would return home to cook dinner for everyone. *Dinner was prepared the night before or in the morning by me, thus when I returned home it was a quick 15-20 min cooking session before eating. *After eating I would always take my son out to explore the city or the park or some form of recreational activity so he would expend his energy and goto sleep. *My son still sleeps with me and my wife and with my wife gone, he will only sleep next to me or on top of me (I know this is a bad habit...hahaha). *So after playing with him and bathing him, I would put him to bed, but I would also have to sleep next to him otherwise he wouldn't sleep. *Thus, I pretty much had no free time from Monday to Friday.
I was lucky that one Saturday and Sunday I was able to arrange help (as I also work on those days) as I'm even busier at work on the weekends than the weekdays.
To make a long story, I cut a part of my thumb with the mandoline 1 day after my wife went on her vacation. *I went to the Emergency and go everything fixed, but the doctor told me not to wet my hand for 2-3 weeks until the cut is healed. *I continued to do everything myself and this continued until my wfie returned. *When she returned she complained that the house was messy and that it took her 5-6 hours to clean, but she cleaned it to a cleaner state than what it was when she left, so it my mind it was more like 3-4 hours of cleaning. *Then I thought if I'm injuried, working 6.5 days a week and taking care of my son, it's not that bad if you come home after and two week vacation and need to spend 4-5 hours cleaning over a span of two days (say 2.5 hours a day). *I was just happy to see her again, however *I thought it was inconsiderate and insensitive of her to complain and rant about this for a good half hour once she stepped into the house.
Two weeks pass and I hear my father in law tell me that he heard I left the house messy for his daughter to clean up. *I kept quiet as this guy is heavily biased towards his daughter/my wife. *At this point I explained my views regarding this matter to my wife and questioned he as to why she told her dad about our private info?


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I clicked "other" because I didn't feel like I had enough information here. Honestly, I would rather not go on a vacation at all than come back to a house that is completely and utterly filthy. But I'm a clean-freak. I clean my house thoroughly before I go on vacation.

I think they should have communicated about the house before she left. If he's working full-time and then taking care of a young child (which is what I gathered from what I was reading) she should have thought about the state of the house before she left. I would be afraid to come home if I left my kids at home with my husband for two weeks when he was working full-time! LOL I think it's a bit much to expect to come home to a spotless house. If she knew a messy house would bother her, she should have hired a cleaning service to come in shortly before she came back. I don't really understand going on vacation for 2 weeks without your husband and kids though.

I can certainly understand the laundry piling up and none of the major housework getting done. As for dishes piling up and crust-covered countertops? That's harder to understand. It doesn't take that long to wash the dishes and wipe the table after you finish a meal.

_OP, I just read the final response. Why didn't your wife take your son? Anyway, I think she was overreacting if she was upset that you didn't do laundry, vacuum, dust, etc...However, I don't blame her for being annoyed if you did zero dishes in two weeks and didn't wipe the countertops (even if you did injure your finger). I've done plenty of dishes with cuts on my fingers. That's what rubber gloves are for._


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

breeze said:


> What was her answer?
> 
> You both had different perspectives, you've discussed it. As far as I know you've both come to an understanding since you stopped at that point.
> 
> ...


If 10 is clean, the house was 7.5 when she left and 5.25 when she returned. It was a little messy in the kitchen, family room and one bathroom, but all other rooms were not used (try to limit my damage..hahaha). So it was not really in 'pig sty' state, but it was certainly not as good as when she left.

One time I had to go away for 10 days and the house was 7.5 out of 10 clean and when I returned it was 7.5 out of 10 clean when I returned. I also hoped that it would be 8.5 or 9 out of 10 clean when I returned, because she had help for 5 of the 10 days that I was out of town. The help cooked, fed the toddler, washed the toddler and brought the toddler to daycare and picked him up from daycare when the need arose. With this help I thought she could've cleaned up the house a bit more, but when I returned home from the airport, there wasn't any improvement. For me this wasn't a big deal and I was just happy to see her. If the both of us had to spend some time to clean the house up afterwards, I'm all game.

As to telling her dad, I have my own personal policy for how I conduct myself. I don't tell my family or friends too many of my own personal issues with my wife for several reasons:

1. I feel that they are biased towards me and will turn a small problem into a potential larger problem. The brad pitt problem, where everything gets magnified;

2. they are not relationship experts and their advice has very little statistical significance as it is not proven, it is just their feelings on the topic at hand;

3. i don't want it to affect their views of my wife. sometimes i could be wrong, but in the moment i fell that i'm right, so i tell them my story, they side with me and in the future have an unfair view of my wife/partner. i call this some form of BLOWBACK that is unfair to the partner

4. i feel it is more honourable to try to talk to people who don't know here or will not meet her or people with experience with these matters.

I've told my wife that I don't tell too many things to family and friends and advised her that I think it's also in the best interest for her to follow my advice, but maybe men and women are different or maybe in my case the maturity level is different.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Theseus said:


> I have three observations, which are indirectly related to your question.
> 
> 1. Your son is 2.5 years old, but still needs to sleep next to you. I see disaster ahead for your marriage if this continues.
> 
> ...


My wife wouldn't be able to do everything herself. She comes from a mildly spoiled home upbringing and never really lived by herself after university to full actualize the essence of independent adult living and responsibilities.

For your three very important points, I agree with most of them. 

For #1, I am aware that the son sleeping with us gets in the way of adult intimacy, but i feel there are other barriers that are hindering intimacy which are much greater than my son (which I shall expand upon later or on another thread as I don't want to digress too much). I do agree that the boy needs to slowly transition to his own bed for everyones sake :smthumbup:

For #2, I see this also as a work life balance issue which ultimately ripples out and affects many things. I current have 1 family day a week, but think that I'll need to up it to 1 family days and 1 partner day. I do interact with my son for a few hours each day. Interacting meaning reading to him, playing with him or taking him out to explore the city that we live in (not just sitting there watching tv). In light of adding 1 partner day a week, my long term goal is to have 1 family day a week and take 1 week off every 3 months to do stuff together. Thank for sharing your views with me.

For #3, my father in law is heavily biased toward his own daughter and feels like I like to take advantage of people, which is the biggest joke unto itself if he saw the reality of how everything is. He thinks I lived near their house, b/c I want free childcare from my mother in law, where in reality I told my wife I prefer my son to be in preschool where he is actually taught something other than watching tv and playing with the ipad at her house and also preschool allows his social development. He also feels that my expectations for my wife are too high. I told him that she's spoiled from their upbringing and he agrees, but doesn't feel she can change entirely. They partially caused this mess and I need to try to change it which could lead to resentment and other issues. I told him she can change slowly, but not if they keep telling her that she is doing too much or that they don't support her changes and keep sympathizing with her views. :lol:

The fruit don't fall to far from the tree :rofl:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

PBear said:


> One thing I've observed in my years of dating/being married... Women (in general) HATE to come home, after time away, to a messy house. It's like a top 3 peeve. In your case, the easy solution is either a glove so you could clean up without getting your hand wet, or hire a cleaning service the day or two before she got home.
> 
> But as some other people have noted... I see significant other red flags for your relationship. You may want to start thinking about how to rebalance things before they blow up. Just IMHO.
> 
> C


Rebalancing is both crucial and essential. Thank you for your input. appreciated.

My hand had a thumb splint on it because we were trying to let the skin graft heal. The ER physician said not to use my hand too much or it would cause my trauma and delay healing and the chances of the graft surviving.

I tried to use a glove, but the splint wouldn't allow me to put the glove on properly. I'm lucky I have a dish washer and was still able to do the laundry.

I agree that coming home from a holiday to have a messy house is a bummer for both men and women, b/c it's such a big contrast to their holiday where everything was in super clean order that when they get back to 'reality' it could be depressing and could also start things off in the wrong way.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

breeze said:


> Warn her before she gets home that the house is a pig sty and why.
> 
> or
> 
> ...


I didn't warn her, b/c the cleaness factor only dropped from 7ish to 5ish. My bad, maybe I should've gave her a mild heads up. It wasn't a pigs sty....:rofl:

Couldn't get help, b/c I have some very fragile and expensive equipment from germany that was imported for some clients. She was aware of this and thus we never used hired help in our house.

I agree that communication should've been improved to align expectations.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> What a princess. She gets two weeks off from any chores, childcare and responsibilities and she has the nerve to complain about 5-6 hours of cleaning. Then she whines to her daddy who has the nerve to stick his nose into your marriage.
> 
> They both need an attitude adjustment. An apology and thank you from your wife wouldn't hurt, either.


I was hoping that is what was going to happen. I told her I would've like her saying, you hurt your hand and worked and still took care of the kid for 2 weeks. the house isn't perfect, but i'm still happy to see you and proud of you....and she could've told her dad the same thing too.....

but.....she told her, her version of the story


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Women think they're the Rosa Parks of leaving the toilet seat down. Meanwhile the second sink in the bathroom is for dumping a hairdrier, curling iron, bag of makeup and a dirty towel. Hey guess what, you weren't here. Now empty your suitcase and leave me alone, or, turn around and grumble to the outdoors.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Stand up for yourself.
> 
> She comes home, starts complaining about it being messy... Your response: "I missed you too". If she keeps doing it, tell her that she should call up whoever she just stayed with to see if they will take her back.
> 
> ...


I told her if her holiday wasn't long enough she can take another week.

She went on the hoilday, really because it was on the otherside of the world. It took her 23 hours to fly there, and I couldn't take that much time off. I would be able to do short trips for a shorter amount of time, but nothing that long and far. 2 weeks would be too long for me. There are some other issues at hand, but I thought it would also allow her sometime to think and grow as a person if she had some downtime, I guess I was wrong.

I agree to some degree with your priority sequence. Thank you for sharing that info with me.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

toonaive said:


> I will agree with Blondilocks and Hicks. Was her entitlement attitude this bad before she went of vacation to visit family? If not, something changed in her while away. A boundary changed, in you, her, or both of you.


I think she spoiled when it comes to domestic duties by her family. Her mom would do almost all the home chores when she grew up and she never really lived alone by herself in her adult life to actualize 'adult life'. I know some of you will say I have a big child on my hands.....but it's better you say it than I :lol:

In our day to day life she cooks maybe 3-5 dinners for me a *month* and maybe 3 breakfasts a *month*. I've discussed this with her many times, but she seems not to up her game on this issue. I don't like eating out much, and she likes eating out a lot. We've come to a compromise that she can prepare the food in the morning and I'll cook it when I get home from work. I'm more than willing to pull my weight and compromise, but I feel like I'm doing more than I should....which leads to more spoiling...maybe she's looking for what she had from her own family.

Please note that it's fairly easy to cook for me. Oatmeal, pita, salad, rice, etc.. I don't need anything fancy. I just appreciate the effort and people manning up to their responsibilities.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well this is all spot on advice I will add some. Your son needs his own bed. Enough said on that.
> 
> Your post is unclear but are you saying that you make 8-10x the national average? If that's so hire some help you easily afford it.
> 
> ...


I need privacy more than I need a maid, as wrong as that sounds.

Couldn't go do to the work schedule and 23 hour flight.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> yeah if I cut my finger bad, I would not be doing a lot of washing with it. But after a week it would probably be ok.
> 
> When my wife comes back from a business trip, I make sure at least the dishes are done and the garbage is out. you can do the dishes with 1 hand if you have a dishwasher.
> 
> If I were you I would have hired a maid for the day before she got back, it would have given the appearance of clean, without the expense of actually having someone clean earlier in the 2 weeks.


Dishes, laundry, floors and recycling was done. I forgot to take the garbage out on the garbage collection day.

Don't like to hire maid services for reasons listed in my previous post.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Why didn't you hire cleaners to come in for an all-day cleaning the day before she got back? Or tape your finger up really well and wear heavy-duty cleaning gloves and at least clean some of it? Because I'm sure you knew she was going to react exactly the way she did and if you didn't want to hear it then you should have tried to head that off before it happened.


I actually felt it wasn't that messy; felt like she over reacted to the reality of things.

I did spend a good hour cleaning a few days before her return, but she didn't notice it (don't blame her for not noticing).

Can't wear gloves due to thumb splint and potential trauma to my skin graft.

I don't use maid services for various reasons.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

bjchristian said:


> I actually felt it wasn't that messy; felt like she over reacted to the reality of things.
> 
> I did spend a good hour cleaning a few days before her return, but she didn't notice it (don't blame her for not noticing).
> 
> ...


Tell her all of this, and tell her that her behavior/attitude upon arrival is unacceptable and disrespectful.

If she is not going to appreciate all the hard work you do, you will do NONE.

But again, I think she is taking it out on you cause there is probably some kind of guilt build up inside of her from the trip.......


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

What is the reason why she did not take your son with her to see her family half way around the world? and where did she go?

What does she do during the day? Does she work or SAHM?


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

DoF said:


> What the hell is your wife doing going on vacation without here loved one (you) and your child?
> 
> That's REALLY messed up.
> 
> ...


She went to visit her sibling in a very distant land. I don't think she had any romance on the side with new found friends.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

6301 said:


> Ever hear of rubber gloves? Now I know it was a painful thing to slice you thumb up and mobility in your hand would be limited but there are ways.
> 
> Now on the other hand, if she knew that you cut your hand, she should have been a bit more lenient before she started complaining.
> 
> As far a father in law goes, tell him to mind his own business. It's not like you beat the hell out of your wife every night and come home boozed up. You hurt yourself and if he can't handle that then that's his problem to deal with and I would make it abundantly clear to him.



I feel she should of been more considerate an given the situation


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

bigbearsfan said:


> If wife went on a 2 week vacation to visit a family members, then why didn't she take your son with her? Wouldn't the family like to spend time and see your son also?


The 23 hour flight would be too much for him and she also said that he would be too much work and she wouldn't enjoy herself. I know all sounds selfish.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> Next time, use the hand-guard for the mandolin. Or next time whatever gets cut off they might not be able to put back on.
> 
> (Seriously though, those things are dangerous.)


The ER physician also said he hurt his hand cleaning one of those things. I'm retiring my unit for now. It's too dangerous and I rather cut slower with a knife than not be able to use one of my hands for about 4 weeks.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> so she gets to go on vacation visiting family and he should work 6.5 day a week take care of the toddler and cook and then make sure the house is **** and span so shes not b*tchy when shes gets home.
> 
> 
> OMG.................
> ...


There for sure is a double standard being applied that is unfair. I put my OP up on a mothers forum, and they immediately removed it from their forum and deleted my account. I wonder why?  It wasn't Oprah enough for them....hahahaha. But I'm happy I used this forum instead, there seems to move value in the feedback on this forum.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

PBear said:


> Speaking as a guy... If I went away for two weeks and came back to a laundry list of things to do and the grass a foot high in the back yard, I'd probably be p1ssed too. And I might even vent to my dad.
> 
> Like I said before... When a woman comes back from a trip to a messy house, it rarely goes well, in my experience. He had alternatives that eliminated his "no wet finger" issue. The working 6.5 days a week is a bigger issue in his marriage than being an excuse for not keeping things tidy (she likely feels like a single mom). The fact that he makes a poopload of money doesn't necessarily help, aside from removing an excuse about hiring a cleaning service when he knew he "couldn't" clean properly before she got home.
> 
> ...


She wasnt' very fair or considerate in her judgement and making I felt that making comments when she has 12 hours of jet lag is never a wise thing to do.

I agree that alot of what happened is a result of some form of blowback of lack of closeness which has occurred over the years. It doesn't really have anything to do with the kid sleeping with us (I agree he needs to be in his own bed soon), but I think it has to do with unresolved issues from the past that have not been cleared up which may have lead to resentment or how we feel about each other.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Theseus said:


> To each their own, and I know it's also a cultural thing. But your sex life goes out the window, and going out together at night is impossible. I have read several threads on TAM where that was the case. Moreover, the longer you keep your children in your bed with you, the harder it will be to get them to later sleep on their own.


co-sleeping is common in many countries, but I agree it can cause an some problems with a couples sex life. In my particular case, I feel that there are other barriers to having a great sex life with my current wife (I'll expand on this in a new thread, as it may be beyond the scope of this thread ~ I know it's all inter-related to some degree).


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> this guy is pure beta. and this woman is pure b****.
> 
> buddy put your foot down now or foreve live with the conquence.


I personally think she's spoiled by her parents and she is slowly changing, but not fast enough. She in my mind hasn't actualized how independent adult living is supposed to be as she lived at home most of the time. In college she lived away from home, but I don't consider that as actualizing to independent adult living - in school people are focused on mainly academic development (she went to a very demanding undergrad program.)


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> does this woman even work?


She works about 30 hours per week.

When I met her she was making a little above minimum wage and was kicked out of a grad school program due to stress induced by a terminally ill parent (I think she has mild anxiety issues). I thought my wife was a genius in school with lots of unactualized potential at that point, so with love, encouragement and financial and psychological support I was able to guide her to enrol in another graduate program. (I've mentored 3 other individuals into grad programs in the past and have been a big-brother to another youngster many years ago). Once she started she was an 'A' student. I think my wife is an excellent student, but she lacks in other real life areas.

Now she makes about 2.2-2.7x the national average working about 22-27 hours / week, but she does have some paperwork in addition to those hours.

I drive 40-50 percent of her business to her from my business, as it is related in someways. Many of my customers also require some of her services. I have 30-40x more customers than she has.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

DoF said:


> How so?
> 
> All of our kids slept with us until 5 years old or so (we never used ONE crib).
> 
> How does this cause any kind of disaster. We both LOVED sleeping with our babies/toddlers...actually, we both miss it now that they are older.


Well congratulation for beating the law of averages. This is generally a disaster for most marriages.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Acorn said:


> The thing getting overlooked with all the cleaning service advice is that, while the wife would have preferred to come home to a clean house, the husband would have preferred her to come home with an appreciation of what he had done while she was out having 2 weeks of vacation. Or at least made it a priority to show him she missed him.
> 
> The cleaning service is not going to fix those issues.


I couldn't have said it better myself.

She should be looking into my will and dedication instead of the results. Especially if the place was only a bit messier than when she left :smthumbup:


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> Maybe it's time for you to start planning your own solo two-week vacation. Bet you'd enjoy it. Bet she'd b*tch at you when you came back, too.
> 
> There's no need for you to accept her complaints. _You _know you did the best you could, and that she was extremely fortunate to be able to take two weeks away without any responsibilities or even concerns about her child.
> 
> Just tell her that you expect her to be civil and loving toward her husband and walk away if she starts b*tching some more.


I had to go away a few months back for 10 days, 1/2 the time she had her mom take care of the kid and cook for her and the kid. I call this pseudo maid service. The house was 7/10 clean when I left and was the same when I returned. I was hoping it would be cleaner, since she had help, but it didn't. I didn't make a stink about it when I got home, b/c it wasn't a big deal in my mind.

I was hoping she would've stepped upto the plate to try to do everything herself with minimal help so she could actually feel my contributions (as she always claims I don't do enough), instead she gets her mom to step in which total doesn't allow her to grow from my 10 day departure from the house.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

norajane said:


> I don't see the messy house as the issue here. I see it as a lack of respect and consideration for her spouse who was doing his best to be a good parent while also working full time while she was on vacation.
> 
> It's supposed to be a team effort, one for all and all for one.
> 
> ...



This would have been the ideal outcome


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Lila said:


> Could be seen as caving to a tantrum or........... it could be seen as taking something off of her plate which she will appreciate resulting in that fantastic, "I've been away for 2 weeks can't wait to jump your bones and ride you like a pony" sex Yippie Kai-Ai. Ya'll.


In some ways I think my wife is spoiled (started from her family) and she needs more on her plate to expand her capacity and to grow as a person.

Unfortunately there was no 'ride you like pony sex' even after her crummy comments...hahaha. She comes from a family that has very little expressive intimacy between her own parents...and i'm now starting to realize that this has also affect the way she sees intimacy, as I've talked to her before and she says many married people she knows are not physical with one another (big red flag when I heard that - but I was married already and my wife has the potential to be amazingly beautiful woman physically).


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

Can you edit your first post in this thread to indicate that the OP was deleted due to some software error and that the OP is now at this link:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...se-messy-after-she-returns-4.html#post9729642

New readers that click on this thread have no idea what's going on as the OP somehow disappeared. 

Thanks in advance.



breeze said:


> What was her answer?
> 
> You both had different perspectives, you've discussed it. As far as I know you've both come to an understanding since you stopped at that point.
> 
> ...


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

bigbearsfan said:


> What is the reason why she did not take your son with her to see her family half way around the world? and where did she go?
> 
> What does she do during the day? Does she work or SAHM?


Info here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...se-messy-after-she-returns-5.html#post9741554

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...se-messy-after-she-returns-5.html#post9741338

She went to Singapore and Bali, Indonesia.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much time do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing things you both enjoy?


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How much time do you and your wife spend together, just the two of you doing things you both enjoy?


We used to spend about 10-12 waking hours per week when we were closer.

I would say now we spend maybe half of that, 5-6 hours a week.

I think there are some issues which are causing a wedge between us, which I will probably start a new thread on in the near future.

I also feel that some of these issues have been brewing behind the scenes for a while and in the current state it will be more efficiently resolved in a less damaging, less resentful and more respectful manner if we employ the services of a good MC to diffuse this matter and get us back on track.


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## CaughtWithSoftPorn (Jul 31, 2014)

My wife complained about how our house looked after she took off to visit for 2 weeks... she always says how messy the house is with our 3 kids. They went away to see in-laws for 3 weeks and I cleaned the house from top to bottom.. spotless and had cards and flowers waiting for her. The first thing she said was ... what are you thrying to tell me I don't clean good enough for you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bjchristian said:


> We used to spend about 10-12 waking hours per week when we were closer.
> 
> I would say now we spend maybe half of that, 5-6 hours a week.
> 
> ...


Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". I think it will help you work though a lot of this. Its pretty obvious that her complaint about you keeping the house up is not the real issue. The real issue is that that your marriage is in serious trouble.

for starters you two need to be spending about 15 hours a week together, just the two of you. without that your passion/connection is going to die. As you can see it's already dying from neglect.


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## bjchristian (Jul 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> bjchristian said:
> 
> 
> > We used to spend about 10-12 waking hours per week when we were closer.
> ...


I know about that book and the 5-10 cardinal needs of the man and woman. Thanks for the advice. I agree and here where you are coming from. I've discussed dome of the books contents with her 2 weeks ago. 

Thank you

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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