# Very concerned truck driver



## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

Hello everyone.

My apologies if I am boring you all, but I have a few questions to ask and share some major concerns. I have decided to make my thread on these forums and nowhere else because this community has always been wonderful and supportive. Unfortunately, I do not post here often since truck driving keeps me very busy.

I wonder where shall I start?
Well, for the past few years I am getting more and more concerned about my future and virtually non-existent love life. Loneliness is really getting hard to deal with and it seems to be growing every day. Many times when I am driving on the highway, I see happy couples holding hands as they are passing me in their cars. That's when my loneliness and sadness really kick in.
So, as I see these happy couples I also can't help but wonder - what if I end up alone for the rest of my life (like my grandfather did)?
I never had a girlfriend before and during college I was very shy. This is something which I really regret to this day. Maybe if I was more open I would have a few friends to talk to...

Many of my fellow truck drivers have told me that I am very smart for staying single. I guess they know what they are talking about since a great majority of them are divorced. As they say, it's very hard indeed to deal with your wife and squeeze as many things as you can in your 36 hours off (mandatory reset period in which a truck driver is off duty).

So, my issue is how do I deal with loneliness while I am truck driving? I wish I had friends to talk to but they have all moved on since the last time I saw them in college (2010).
What will happen if I get used to being lonely so much that even when I get a better job, I may simply be incompatible with everyone? God, loneliness scares me so much...

Just to clarify - I graduated as a medical laboratory assistant. However, due to a shortage of jobs and fierce competition for a few available positions - I have no other choice but to drive a truck for now.

During my free time I spend a majority of the day in front of my computer. I also go out for walks but only in certain places. For example, I avoid going to the shopping malls since I often see happy couples walking holding hands and eating together. This simply reminds me of how lonely I am and I end up feeling even more worse than before. Watching romantic movies and comedies is also off my list for obvious reasons. Please do not get me wrong - I have nothing against the happy couples in the malls. I am just reminded what a failure my life has been and I have nobody else to blame but myself.

I am doing my best to cope with the current situation. I have signed up to some "making friends" websites but I have had no success. I am also trying to educate myself more about loneliness and interacting with people.

I must emphasize one thing though. I sure am not listening to some of the advices from a few of my fellow truck drivers! They "pay for love" when parked next to some sleazy hotels and dirty truck stops. This really disgusts me!
On top of that, they think it's so funny that I never had a girlfriend before and they were laughing when I told them that I was saving myself for the right person. I no longer talk to these primitive and rude people.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I would like to apologize if I was boring everyone. Feel free to share your views if you like. I greatly appreciate it.
I will try to be as active as I can on these forums from now on.
Thank you very much and have a wonderful day.

Zulnex


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Zulnex said:


> I never had a girlfriend before and during college I was very shy. This is something which I really regret to this day.


I can relate to that. It is my regret even 30 years later but now I am married 20+ years. Forget about the past. Work on the future. 

It sound like you are a long haul driver. Can you find employment with local or day driving only, where you are home each night? My dad was a truck driver and was home every night, although late in evening. Or get a different job, one that lets you be home each night. 

Even better, why do you still not have a job in your area of training? If shortage of jobs in your area, then move to area where there is no shortage. You want to fix your situation. It all comes down to how much effort are you willing to put forth and are you ready to take the risk to get what you want in life. I think you are.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> I can relate to that. It is my regret even 30 years later but now I am married 20+ years. Forget about the past. Work on the future.
> 
> It sound like you are a long haul driver. Can you find employment with local or day driving only, where you are home each night? My dad was a truck driver and was home every night, although late in evening. Or get a different job, one that lets you be home each night.
> 
> Even better, why do you still not have a job in your area of training? If shortage of jobs in your area, then move to area where there is no shortage. You want to fix your situation. It all comes down to how much effort are you willing to put forth and are you ready to take the risk to get what you want in life. I think you are.


Hello and thank you for your reply blueinbr.

Yes, I am a long haul driver. I have been doing it for a few years now. I am currently looking into getting a day driving job, so we'll see how it goes.
In regards to getting a job in my field - things are not working out too well. I am always looking out for new job postings and as soon as I see them advertised - I apply immediately. I also apply online if jobs are advertised outside of my city.
I am not giving up that's for sure.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Zulnex said:


> Well, I guess that's it for now. I would like to apologize if I was boring everyone. Feel free to share your views if you like. I greatly appreciate it.
> I will try to be as active as I can on these forums from now on.
> Thank you very much and have a wonderful day.
> 
> Zulnex


Find yourself a single mom to date. They are very independent and will be more understanding of your work conditions.

How do you deal with being lonely? Well, whether or not you date you will face loneliness on the road. Back in my Army days, I never really felt alone as long as I knew someone was back home waiting for me. Boredom will contribute to your feelings of loneliness, so stay mentally occupied while on the road. Consider audio books, etc.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> I am just reminded what a failure my life has been and I have nobody else to blame but myself.


Failure? You seem to express yourself well. I understood what you wrote. 


You are your own man and have decided not to follow others.




> I sure am not listening to some of the advices from a few of my fellow truck drivers!



You are doing what you can with the resources and time available.



> I have signed up to some "making friends" websites....



You are educated and therefore must be able to learn. You were strong enough to get through classes with others and get good enough grades to graduate.



> I graduated as a medical laboratory assistant.



You can't do anything about the economy. And, if lab assistance isn't right for you, so what? There are other things. You have found one you like and get paid to do. You must do it well enough. You have a job and are making enough to live. Time to start doing things that make you happy and don't worry about what a woman or others can do to make you happy. 



> However, due to a shortage of jobs and fierce competition for a few available positions - I have no other choice but to drive a truck for now.


I don't know. I don't think you are in as bad shape as what you think.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My husband is a truck driver. When he first got licensed, he was working for a local warehouse. When they closed, he had to do regional and OTR work. We're ridiculously in love and very compatible, but that time was difficult for us. It's hard to maintain a bond when your mate is separated from you. And, yes, a lot of truckers and/or their spouses cheat because of the long separations and loneliness. 

When you're the wife of a truck driver, you get used to your routine. You get used to doing everything yourself. You desperately miss your husband on one hand and resent him "intruding" on your routine when he's home on the other. Plus, there are so many details and extra chores. When DH came home, he'd sleep, then we'd clean the truck, I'd have to wash his laundry and bedding, make a list for food and drink resupply, and restock other things, too, like staples and pens and whatnot. Just when we got everything done and got on the same sleep schedule, he'd have to head back out. It was crazy making. 

There's a reason your fellow drivers said be glad you've not married. Being OTR is hard on a marriage.

If you're serious about finding a wife, you'll need to find a job working locally or regionally with a decent balance of home time. Or, maybe, you could find a woman that wants to travel OTR with you. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd have gone with DH instead of be separated for days/weeks on end.

And, if you're serious about finding a wife, you're going to have to make some changes. Expand your search. Get out there and meet people. Look online at Meetup. Join singles sites. If you're religious, there are singles sites for many faiths. You can access the internet free all over the place, so get a tablet or laptop and use it when you're off duty. Eventually, get yourself a Blue Parrot headset (Found out about it on a drivers website. Excellent at cancelling truck noise. Was a lifesaver when DH was working.)so you can talk on your cell while driving. Move from internet chat to actual talking. The goal being to get to know each other and then meet when you're in the area.

Don't limit yourself to your home base. Search for ladies wherever you want. You can make pretty much anywhere your home base and if your company doesn't have a terminal there, some other OTR outfit will.

When you're at home, start going out more. You can meet people in your area if you just show up for local events and talk to them! Do things you love, be resourceful in finding activities, and you should at least get a few dates here and there if you ask.

For now, are you a dog person? If so, does your company allow dogs? If so, get a nice lazyish dog to come with you as a companion. Other than the company, a dog is a good ice breaker and will also net you opportunity to meet people. Other than people approaching you to pet your dog or talk about dogs, there is always a dog related activity you could find online and attend to meet fellow dog lovers.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. What a wonderful and supportive community this really is.

MJJEAN - I love dogs but my company does not allow pets in trucks.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Aww, that sucks! Our dogs have made a huge difference for DH. If the loneliness is crushing you, maybe consider moving over to a company that does allow dogs. Also, see if they allow spouses and kids to travel with you, too. If you're still OTR when you find someone, having the option to take her with you here and there is priceless.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Aww, that sucks! Our dogs have made a huge difference for DH. If the loneliness is crushing you, maybe consider moving over to a company that does allow dogs. Also, see if they allow spouses and kids to travel with you, too. If you're still OTR when you find someone, having the option to take her with you here and there is priceless.


Oh, I am definitely looking to get out of OTR. It will be less money but at least I will start to have a life.
I have a lot of work to do before I am ready to start dating. Resolving my shyness issues is at the top of my list. I also fear that I will be rejected. 
Last time I went out with my friends was 6 years ago and this happened only once for our graduation. Before that, I never went out with anyone.
I am already having butterflies in my stomach just speaking about it... I wonder how will I feel when I go to my very first date?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Zulnex do you have any family (siblings, etc) to hang out with in your time off? You didn't mention them at all so I just wondered. 

In terms of finding a job as a medical lab assistant, keep trying and keep applying. It can take a long time to find a job, but the people who are the most persistent are the ones that get the jobs. Do you have a good resume and cover letter? If not you might want to consider paying someone to help you do your resume. If you don't put the effort into your resume, it will likely get passed over for someone who did. Also consider taking a part time job in the medical field to get experience and get your foot in the door somewhere. Even if it *isn't* in the lab...you can get to know people and you can transfer into the lab eventually. 

Possibly some individual counseling might be good for you as well, to build your confidence and help you deal with your anxiety about being lonely and trying to meet someone. Hang in there, it will get better.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

bluezone said:


> Zulnex do you have any family (siblings, etc) to hang out with in your time off? You didn't mention them at all so I just wondered.
> 
> I am kind of surprised that you can't find a job as a laboratory assistant as the medical field certainly has no shortage of jobs right now. Keep trying and keep applying. It can take a long time to find a job, but the people who are the most persistent are the ones that get the jobs. Do you have a good resume and cover letter? If not you might want to consider paying someone to help you do your resume. If you don't put the effort into your resume, it will likely get passed over for someone who did. Also consider taking a part time job in the medical field to get experience and get your foot in the door somewhere. Even if it isn't in the lab...you can get to know people and you can transfer into the lab eventually.
> 
> Possibly some individual counseling might be good for you as well, to build your confidence and help you deal with your anxiety about being lonely. Hang in there, it will get better.


Hello bluezone. Yes, I have a brother but he lives with his girlfriend and sometimes I see him once a week (depending on my schedule).

Oh yes, I have had my resume professionally developed. Actually, I have 2 resumes. One for regular jobs and the second one is designed strictly for the medical field. No cover letters though. I will have it created though.

I am applying for medical jobs even when they are not related to the one for which I went to school. For example - cleaners (not outside contractors but members of staff). It would be a foot in the door indeed.

Counseling is definitely on my mind. It's just finding the right counselor that may be a challenge.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Zulnex said:


> Hello bluezone. Yes, I have a brother but he lives with his girlfriend and sometimes I see him once a week (depending on my schedule).
> 
> Oh yes, I have had my resume professionally developed. Actually, I have 2 resumes. One for regular jobs and the second one is designed strictly for the medical field. No cover letters though. I will have it created though.
> 
> ...


Definitely get the cover letter created...you can google cover letters for your position and get an idea of how to create this, or have it done. But it's not that hard to do yourself. 

That's good...keep applying for different medical jobs but have a cover letter. And if you don't hear from them after you apply, call them back and let them know you are inquiring about the status of the position. 

As far as counseling...yes sometimes it takes awhile to find a counselor that you click with. But just go to someone, and if you don't like them you can switch to someone else until you are comfortable. There are a lot of great counselors out there so don't let that stop you. You might find that the counseling helps you a lot, as it's good to be able to talk it out with someone.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Zulnex said:


> Oh, I am definitely looking to get out of OTR. It will be less money but at least I will start to have a life.
> I have a lot of work to do before I am ready to start dating. Resolving my shyness issues is at the top of my list. I also fear that I will be rejected.
> Last time I went out with my friends was 6 years ago and this happened only once for our graduation. Before that, I never went out with anyone.
> I am already having butterflies in my stomach just speaking about it... I wonder how will I feel when I go to my very first date?


You might be surprised. DH made more $ per week OTR, but his expenses were higher, too. We actually had more money when he got a lower paying local job.

My DH was pretty socially clueless/awkward when we met. The only way to get over the shyness is to just do it! Just talk to people. Be casual, relax, and remember that everyone has been there. Most of us were shy at some point or other.

Everyone gets rejected. It happens and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Don't take it personally. When a woman rejects you, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. It just means that you weren't a good match for her. Remember that!

If you're nervous about your first date, make it casual. No big deal, just two people who like each others company hanging out. Go have coffee and cake/pie. Go to a local outdoor festival is the weather is nice. zoo, aquarium, fishing...

Since you are inexperienced, you might consider looking on religious websites and maybe meeting someone at church socials, volunteering, or through attending services yourself. You don't have to be religious yourself, just ok with a mate who is. And you don't have to be religious to volunteer your time or to attend services. There is a lot of wisdom in a good sermon or homily that applies to secular life. You can go to think and learn and feel part of a community without actually believing in a higher power.

The reason I suggest this is because religious women are more likely to be accepting of and even charmed by your inexperience. Among the faithful, you're a freakin unicorn with a gold plated horn and the Holy Grail in it's mouth.



Zulnex said:


> Hello bluezone. Yes, I have a brother but he lives with his girlfriend and sometimes I see him once a week (depending on my schedule).
> 
> Oh yes, I have had my resume professionally developed. Actually, I have 2 resumes. One for regular jobs and the second one is designed strictly for the medical field. No cover letters though. I will have it created though.
> 
> ...


You are also applying for local trucking jobs, right? Have you tried employment services? The kind where the hiring company pays the fees, of course.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> You might be surprised. DH made more $ per week OTR, but his expenses were higher, too. We actually had more money when he got a lower paying local job.
> 
> My DH was pretty socially clueless/awkward when we met. The only way to get over the shyness is to just do it! Just talk to people. Be casual, relax, and remember that everyone has been there. Most of us were shy at some point or other.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the encouragement MJJEAN! I will definitely put your tips to practice. Thank you bluezone as well. From now on I will call the employer after I apply about the status of my application.

Yes, I am looking for local truck driving jobs as well. Actually, I have applied to a few postings today (round trips Ontario-Michigan) and registered in a few driver employment service centers.

I do go to Church from time to time but I haven't met anyone yet. Unfortunately, on Sundays I am usually on the road.

Well, I wouldn't consider myself a unicorn but just a well below average guy. I think I may be worthy of the "average guy" title once I work through my shyness and confidence issues successfully.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Zulnex said:


> Thank you so much for the encouragement MJJEAN! I will definitely put your tips to practice. Thank you bluezone as well. From now on I will call the employer after I apply about the status of my application.
> 
> Yes, I am looking for local truck driving jobs as well. Actually, I have applied to a few postings today (round trips Ontario-Michigan) and registered in a few driver employment service centers.
> 
> ...


I'm from SE MI. If you don't mind a commute, extend your search to Monroe and as far as Toledo, OH. A lot of folks commute from Toledo and surrounds to work here and I've seen a decent amount of local jobs on offer between Detroit and Toledo and their suburbs when searching for DH.

You have your Passport and Fast Pass?

Have you ever done intermodal work? In and around Detroit intermodal pays pretty well and a few of the smaller intermodal carriers pay extra to drivers able to cross the border.

Trust me, you're a unicorn. There are a LOT of religious women that would give a body part for a man who hasn't slept around, doesn't have kids and an ex wife/baby momma, is employed, and is actually looking for a relationship as opposed to just sex.

Work on your shyness every day. DH used to work on his by chatting with the truck stop cashiers, customers, dock workers, etc. Just a few words, nothing big. Over time, he became less and less awkward. Start small if you need to. Just a nod and a smile or a word of greeting. But treat every time you have contact with people you don't know as an opportunity to practice.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I can assure you local pick up and delivery carriers are in need of drivers. LTL companies like Old Dominion, Estes, Wilson, Pitt OH, etc are always looking. It is daytime work and home everyday. Weekends off. Your CDL is golden. Look to get off the road into a P&D operation.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm from SE MI. If you don't mind a commute, extend your search to Monroe and as far as Toledo, OH. A lot of folks commute from Toledo and surrounds to work here and I've seen a decent amount of local jobs on offer between Detroit and Toledo and their suburbs when searching for DH.
> 
> You have your Passport and Fast Pass?
> I do. I have been using my FAST card quite frequently.
> ...


I have been using my FAST card quite frequently. I have not done intermodal work but don't these carriers require drivers to be US citizens? That is what I have heard. Canadian drivers can not be employed by US carriers unless they have a work visa.
Thanks for the shyness tip. That is actually what I am starting to do now. Learning to break the ice is a bit scary at first though.
Aw, thank you for calling me a unicorn. Well, maybe I can just be an average unicorn for now? I still have a lot of work ahead before I am happy with myself.



Yeswecan said:


> I can assure you local pick up and delivery carriers are in need of drivers. LTL companies like Old Dominion, Estes, Wilson, Pitt OH, etc are always looking. It is daytime work and home everyday. Weekends off. Your CDL is golden. Look to get off the road into a P&D operation.


The problem with all these companies is that they do not hire Canadian citizens unless they have company terminals in Canada. Also, I tried contacting a few of them before and the applicants must be US citizens - no exceptions.
There is so much work offered for truckers in USA compared to Canada. I really wish it was possible to work for the US carriers. 
Not just in trucking - there are actually lots more jobs in the medical field too.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Zulnex said:


> I am doing my best to cope with the current situation. I have signed up to some "making friends" websites but I have had no success. I am also trying to educate myself more about loneliness and interacting with people.
> 
> I must emphasize one thing though. I sure am not listening to some of the advices from a few of my fellow truck drivers! *They "pay for love" when parked next to some sleazy hotels and dirty truck stops. This really disgusts me!
> On top of that, they think it's so funny that I never had a girlfriend before and they were laughing when I told them that I was saving myself for the right person. I no longer talk to these primitive and rude people.*
> ...


 First... I just want to say.. I am so impressed with your overall character.. so you are a little shy.. so you haven't put yourself out there enough in high school, college... but still.. you sound like an awesome guy to me.... romantic at heart.. hard worker... 

Those other A-holes you work with... yeah.....you are smart enough to know their lifestyle choices is *not* what you want out of life...(just using women for a warm hole- any stop they can find one)...it's intimacy hollow & STD prone if they are not careful..... these men wouldn't care about holding a woman's hand.. just F*king her... yes.. pretty pathetic is right... what would they know about LOVE... or genuine intimacy... no wonder they are divorced.. I bet some of them cheated on their wives .. 

Yes... do hold this job till you find another...Keep looking.. seek something local so you won't be on the road all the time.. I do feel this would be difficult on any new relationship..let alone starting a family someday... 

My husband's dad drove truck.. but local.. he was home every night.. you are getting experience under your belt.. and sounds you have a degree.. you have some great things going for you, for sure.

I just wanted to compliment you on your character really.. you sound like the type of guy my husband IS... he was on the shy side.. not rolling in confidence... if you meet the right girl...put yourself out there just a little.. a word or two....if she's interested...she will talk to you. I was the TALKER when we met.. he made a move, showed interest... but I led those conversations.. and it all fell into place... 

I hope the best for you Zulnex, you sound like a true Gentleman !


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Check the US side ads anyways. You could always apply for a visa. It's not as complicated as a lot of people believe. And if it gets you off the road...

While you're working on yourself, be open to a relationship. Life is a journey and so is personal development. You can share that journey with a partner. Sometimes, people get set on the idea that they can't become seriously involved and marry until everything is perfect. Reality check. Nothing is ever perfect. It's all a work in progress.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> First... I just want to say.. I am so impressed with your overall character.. so you are a little shy.. so you haven't put yourself out there enough in high school, college... but still.. you sound like an awesome guy to me.... romantic at heart.. hard worker...
> 
> Those other A-holes you work with... yeah.....you are smart enough to know their lifestyle choices is *not* what you want out of life...(just using women for a warm hole- any stop they can find one)...it's intimacy hollow & STD prone if they are not careful..... these men wouldn't care about holding a woman's hand.. just F*king her... yes.. pretty pathetic is right... what would they know about LOVE... or genuine intimacy... no wonder they are divorced.. I bet some of them cheated on their wives ..
> 
> ...


Thank you so much SimplyAmorous! Well, I am a romantic and kind guy, but I am very far from being awesome. I just don't feel confident like successful men do and my shyness is definitely not helping. 

A fellow co-worker told me long time ago, if I continue to be shy and lacking confidence - I will end up alone for the rest of my life. I didn't think of it much back then, but now being in my early thirties, I am starting to realize what my co-worker meant. Honestly, I think I should have realized that much earlier. Maybe if I started working on my issues when I was in my early and mid twenties, things would be so much better now. Back then, I used to play video games for hours and hours, completely ignorant on what may happen to me if I don't start working on my shyness and confidence issues. Maybe I was playing video games to sort of numb the pain and forget that I don't have a social life.

Well, what happened in the past is over. From now on, I feel I must start working on my issues so that eventually I can meet that special someone.

In my former company, I have met some very nice and kind truck drivers who even gave me some valuable tips about life and driving. They were all in their mid to late forties so they knew what they were talking about. The challenges they faced in their marriages were huge. I was quite shocked to hear how stressed and sad their wives were when they went for long trips. I was also very sad to hear about their divorces and how their lives were spiraling out of control.
When you wife divorces you, what's the point if you are making so much money when you can't share your happiness with someone. You come home all alone and nobody is there to give you a hug and ask you how your day was.

Some of them tried to fill that void by "buying love" at the truck stops. How sad...

And of course, I have met some really bad people as I have said earlier. I remember one day quite vividly.
A fellow truck driver was dropped off to work. He kissed his wife goodbye and as soon as she left, he was telling me how much fun he had in Texas with 2 "lady friends." He was even telling me that he would hook me up with them if I wanted. I politely declined. I am truly glad I do not have to talk to some of those people anymore. His poor wife... Didn't even know what was going on. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than lower myself to his primitive level.

Once again, thank you very much SimplyAmorous for the kind and encouraging words.



MJJEAN said:


> Check the US side ads anyways. You could always apply for a visa. It's not as complicated as a lot of people believe. And if it gets you off the road...
> 
> While you're working on yourself, be open to a relationship. Life is a journey and so is personal development. You can share that journey with a partner. Sometimes, people get set on the idea that they can't become seriously involved and marry until everything is perfect. Reality check. Nothing is ever perfect. It's all a work in progress.


Thank you so much MJJEAN for your encouraging words as well. I am always checking for the US companies when I can.

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who think that everything must be perfect before deciding to marry.
I was under the impression that in order to have a great life and marriage, certain conditions needed to be met first. If they are not, then divorce is on the horizon.
I really have to work on this and thank you for pointing it out. I honestly never thought of it that way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Zulnex said:


> Thank you so much SimplyAmorous! Well, I am a romantic and kind guy, but I am very far from being awesome. I just don't feel confident like successful men do and my shyness is definitely not helping.


 You are most definitely a romantic at heart... 



> A fellow co-worker told me long time ago, if I continue to be shy and lacking confidence - I will end up alone for the rest of my life. I didn't think of it much back then, but now being in my early thirties, I am starting to realize what my co-worker meant. Honestly, I think I should have realized that much earlier. Maybe if I started working on my issues when I was in my early and mid twenties, things would be so much better now. Back then, I used to play video games for hours and hours, completely ignorant on what may happen to me if I don't start working on my shyness and confidence issues. *Maybe I was playing video games to sort of numb the pain and forget that I don't have a social life*.


 we have many sons.. they can get so wrapped up into video games.. that darn League of Legends .. I think it should be killed.. so addicting...It is wasting one's life away... Your friend had the best of intentions... 

You sound you have a more severe shyness going on, like a social anxiety..... there is a difference in being an *introvert* (not caring to be all that involved, enjoying yourself as you are, but never a social animal) vs *Shyness*.. where the person so wants to be like others, get involved.. but his lack of confidence in himself keeps him from reaching.. from trying...

You could pick up a book on these things...to help open this up... learn that others have been there...and have overcome..

Shyness : Amazon.com

The "filling a void" / numbing part is very true... taken from an old thread here.... copying & pasting a post I did.. that speaks of numbing to fill a void 


> FormerSelf said:
> 
> 
> > Good thoughts on shame...as it is generally immobilizing...and when shame has power over us in our lives, it is crushing, and we find alternate plans to escape pain and accept counterfeit scenarios for ourselves because we think we don't deserve better.
> ...





Zulnex said:


> *Well, what happened in the past is over. From now on, I feel I must start working on my issues so that eventually I can meet that special someone*.


 Keep that spirit ! 



> In my former company, I have met some very nice and kind truck drivers who even gave me some valuable tips about life and driving. They were all in their mid to late forties so they knew what they were talking about. The challenges they faced in their marriages were huge.* I was quite shocked to hear how stressed and sad their wives were when they went for long trips. I was also very sad to hear about their divorces and how their lives were spiraling out of control.*


 any time a couple is separated for long periods of time -it can take a toll on the relationship... I can completely understand how those wives felt (just imaging)....this would not be shocking to me at all... 



> *When you wife divorces you, what's the point if you are making so much money when you can't share your happiness with someone. You come home all alone and nobody is there to give you a hug and ask you how your day was*.


 many years ago.. my husband was working as a Dairy Manager -too many yrs.. their was no advancement possible..we turned over the idea of his getting a Truck driving Job -over the road -to make bigger bucks... you know what I told him...I was HONEST..... 

"I wouldn't be able to handle that.. I'd get lonely... be missing a man around too much.. it wouldn't be good"...he'd miss me terribly too.. we didn't care about being lower income (we were meeting all our bills anyway).. I told him better for me to just work more hours, even around his schedule...at least we'll see each other every day!"...so we kept on... 



> *Some of them tried to fill that void by "buying love" at the truck stops. How sad.*..


 I actually CAN see the human weakness in this... but again.. that's why it's best -if one can't handle this lifestyle.. to not take this sort of Job.. these jobs are better for singles.. My H works for the RR.. they have these Track gangs.. a bunch of guys travel all over the place.. our oldest son would LOVE the money.. and he's single, but Dad told him- you take that job.. your lifestyle is living out of hotels, looking for easy women to keep you company... and boozing... Probably some of them are married. but it can't be easy... My H could move up & make A LOT more money as an Engineer... but we don't want it.. he'd never be home.. NOT WORTH IT [email protected]# 



> *And of course, I have met some really bad people as I have said earlier. I remember one day quite vividly.
> A fellow truck driver was dropped off to work. He kissed his wife goodbye and as soon as she left, he was telling me how much fun he had in Texas with 2 "lady friends." He was even telling me that he would hook me up with them if I wanted. I politely declined. I am truly glad I do not have to talk to some of those people anymore. His poor wife... Didn't even know what was going on. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than lower myself to his primitive level*.


Some people get really good at living a double life.. it's hard to tell.. sad -yes. 



> *Unfortunately, I am one of those people who think that everything must be perfect before deciding to marry*.


 I think it takes 2 people who are givers, who are humble.. who have a shared vision & want to enhance each others lives... none of us are PERFECT... each of us has weaknesses & flaws.. so long as they're not the kind that causes resentment -that leads to falling away from each other...things like: thinking a sexless marriage is OK, Lying to each other, passive aggressive behaviors... solving conflict is also HUGE for harmony...then our significant other will still find us well worth it all.... 



> *I was under the impression that in order to have a great life and marriage, certain conditions needed to be met first. If they are not, then divorce is on the horizon.*


 Well in the spirit of what is laid out in *"His Needs/ Her Needs"*.. this is very true...it's so important to meet each others emotional needs.. also being in tuned to each's Love languages. 

Something like this....


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You are most definitely a romantic at heart...
> 
> we have many sons.. they can get so wrapped up into video games.. that darn League of Legends .. I think it should be killed.. so addicting...It is wasting one's life away... Your friend had the best of intentions...
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your heartwarming and very informative posts SimplyAmorous. By the way, I love your other threads as well. I am learning a lot.



intheory said:


> @Zulnex
> 
> You sound like a catch. Your future wife will be a lucky lady; whoever she is.:wink2:


Aw, thank you. :smile2:
I shall do my very best to keep her happy.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Hi Zulnex. I remember you from Social when you used to post before and wondered what had happened to you. Nice to see you back. Maybe someone has already suggested meetup.com to you,but if it hasn't been then maybe have a look. You mentioned social anxiety and shyness and I believe you are in Ontario,so I googled this for Toronto(GTA) 

Shyness meetups

Might be worth considering checking one out that coincides with when you're off the road. If you can take a step in putting yourself out there,then the next ones will get easier as you go and build confidence. You sound like a good guy and I hope things turn out well for you.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Maybe you could look for love online? Just chatting to real women on line would probably make you feel much better (just remember not to let it get you down if someone stops chatting to you or ignores any messages). Plenty of people have long distance relationships which might be a good way to start? It would also help build your confidence.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Zulnex said:


> Back then, I used to play video games for hours and hours, completely ignorant on what may happen to me if I don't start working on my shyness and confidence issues. Maybe I was playing video games to sort of numb the pain and forget that I don't have a social life.
> 
> Reminds me of that joke about a coupe guys who asked how to meet their special someone. They were told to do what they love and they'd eventually meet someone. So, they sat on the couch and played video games and couldn't figure out where on Earth the women were.:smile2:
> 
> ...


The world is littered with single and/or childless people who wanted to wait until everything was perfect and waited too long. 

Far as I'm concerned, being an adult, having a job, transportation, and a place to live qualifies one to marry if they're so inclined. As long as you love each other, are compatible, and are committed, everything else is just details that can be worked on as a team.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I second the online dating sites idea. Maybe join eharmony or other sites and clearly describe your situation and what you're looking for. I'm sure there would be many women who are interested in meeting you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Zulnex, One of the most productive things you can work on now to improve all aspects of your life is to build your confidence. There are many articles you can find by goggling. There are many inexpensive e-books through Amazon. Read the reviews first before ordering. Pick the one that have many positive reviews. 

For confidence, start with exercising. This means weight/resistance training, not just walking. If you do not have access to a gym or weight sets, google bodyweight exercises. As you improve your body, you will feel more confident. Review your grooming habits and clothing style to see if you need improvement. These will help you with dating and with finding new employment. 

Google "social anxiety" and you will find many websites that offer free daily newsletter or email tip. Follow their advice. Do not rush in to pay for any of their courses. They all will try to sell you something. Stick to the free emails for now. If you want more info, send me a private message. 

By working on the above, you will greatly improve your results through any dating sites. And you will just feel better about yourself. That is your goal, right?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Zulnex said:


> A fellow co-worker told me long time ago, if I continue to be shy and lacking confidence - I will end up alone for the rest of my life
> 
> Well, what happened in the past is over. From now on, I feel I must start working on my issues so that eventually I can meet that special someone.
> 
> ...


What you have yet to realize or focus on is all of your positive characteristics. Many women would KILL to have a positive and devoted individual at their side.

There are proven precursors for divorce. Many are able to predict if divorce is to come just on how the couple courted. Individuals never realize that there is a serious need for emotion and relationship classes, long before anyone enters a romantic relationship. We spend months/years becoming certified, educated and trained to do our 40 hours a week, but never apply that same concept to romance.

Any relationship between two individuals that enjoy each other can work. They just have to learn conflict mitigation (principally) rather than conflict resolution. Unfortunately, it has become necessary to unlearn all of the reasons we give ourselves to be unhappy. Instead of looking for reasons to be unhappy, we look for all of the reasons to be happy.

Relationships work when two self-happy individuals come together to have a good time. _They fail _when those individuals become conditionally happy, dependent on the actions of their partner.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

TBT said:


> Hi Zulnex. I remember you from Social when you used to post before and wondered what had happened to you. Nice to see you back. Maybe someone has already suggested meetup.com to you,but if it hasn't been then maybe have a look. You mentioned social anxiety and shyness and I believe you are in Ontario,so I googled this for Toronto(GTA)
> 
> Shyness meetups
> 
> Might be worth considering checking one out that coincides with when you're off the road. If you can take a step in putting yourself out there,then the next ones will get easier as you go and build confidence. You sound like a good guy and I hope things turn out well for you.


Hello TBT. Unfortunately I was so busy during the past few years and many times I had to work Saturdays. Trip to Tennessee is a long one...
I will definitely be more active from now on though. Thank you for the link by the way. Actually, I live in Windsor so I will use that website for meetups in my city.
I agree with you. The more I go and meet people, the easier it will be in the future. I definitely want to go that's for sure.



Idun said:


> Maybe you could look for love online? Just chatting to real women on line would probably make you feel much better (just remember not to let it get you down if someone stops chatting to you or ignores any messages). Plenty of people have long distance relationships which might be a good way to start? It would also help build your confidence.


Well, I have some good news about that. I have recently met a few very nice women online. It is working out quite nice so far. Just like me, they are only interested in friendships - so that made it a lot easier.
I enjoy messaging them and this is really helping me build my confidence. They have told me that they like messaging me as well, which makes me very happy. 
However, there is more work to be done before I am ready for eharmony.
So, I am taking baby steps for now but my confidence is definitely improving.



MJJEAN said:


> The world is littered with single and/or childless people who wanted to wait until everything was perfect and waited too long.
> 
> Far as I'm concerned, being an adult, having a job, transportation, and a place to live qualifies one to marry if they're so inclined. As long as you love each other, are compatible, and are committed, everything else is just details that can be worked on as a team.


How true MJJEAN! I can't remember who it was, but a few years ago - someone told me exactly what you did.
I really have to work on that though. I think I am kind of stubborn about this. I keep thinking that all the conditions for marriage must be met first before I even think about being close to that person.
Thank you for pointing that out.



MichelleR said:


> I second the online dating sites idea. Maybe join eharmony or other sites and clearly describe your situation and what you're looking for. I'm sure there would be many women who are interested in meeting you.


I sure plan to do that. First, I want to build up my confidence and that is where those friendship websites come in handy.



blueinbr said:


> Zulnex, One of the most productive things you can work on now to improve all aspects of your life is to build your confidence. There are many articles you can find by goggling. There are many inexpensive e-books through Amazon. Read the reviews first before ordering. Pick the one that have many positive reviews.
> 
> For confidence, start with exercising. This means weight/resistance training, not just walking. If you do not have access to a gym or weight sets, google bodyweight exercises. As you improve your body, you will feel more confident. Review your grooming habits and clothing style to see if you need improvement. These will help you with dating and with finding new employment.
> 
> ...


That sure is my goal! Thank you so much. Actually, I am registered on one of the "Social Anxiety" forums where members like me share their fears and experiences. 
I will google the books about my issues as well.
In the meantime, I know it's pretty basic but I have found this link and it has been helpful.
How to Overcome Social Anxiety (with Pictures) - wikiHow



Relationship Teacher said:


> What you have yet to realize or focus on is all of your positive characteristics. Many women would KILL to have a positive and devoted individual at their side.
> 
> There are proven precursors for divorce. Many are able to predict if divorce is to come just on how the couple courted. Individuals never realize that there is a serious need for emotion and relationship classes, long before anyone enters a romantic relationship. We spend months/years becoming certified, educated and trained to do our 40 hours a week, but never apply that same concept to romance.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much Relationship Teacher. Well, in the past I have always focused on my negative characteristics. 
However, thanks to you and all the wonderful members here who have replied, I am improving myself.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Someone gave me a People's magazine.. I was leafing through it today.. and came across this article... now this woman had the world against her...she was born with a rare disease that only her & 2 other people have in this world (that she knows of) ...

She was raised like she was perfectly normal... but when she got to school.. you can only imagine the bullying.. There are always worse case scenarios ...some have had mountainous things to overcome.. 

This video clip is really about "*Confidence*".... having confidence in oneself.. to hell with all the naysayers.. ya know... I was watching this clip just a half hour ago.. and thought I'd post it here...

How Do YOU Define Yourself Lizzie Velasquez at TEDxAustinWomen 

This woman's dream was to become a Motivational Speaker.. and by golly -she did it ! Now that's inspiration...


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

What technical subject has she mastered that she speaks about? Who does the marketing and how did she work to raise the money to pay for her training in her technical field?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Those other A-holes you work with... yeah.....you are smart enough to know their lifestyle choices is *not* what you want out of life...(just using women for a warm hole- any stop they can find one)...it's intimacy hollow & STD prone if they are not careful..... these men wouldn't care about holding a woman's hand.. just F*king her... yes.. pretty pathetic is right... what would they know about LOVE... or genuine intimacy... no wonder they are divorced.. I bet some of them cheated on their wives ..


do a bit more research and you'll find that often there's a lot more to it than that.

One of the things I found in my research was that a big draw for those guys was the -honesty!- they got from the women.
No tricks (no pun intended), mind games, or strings attached.
The man got to play the "man", and the woman they were with was ok with that. no arguments, no worrying about peripheral stuff that had nothing to do with him, he could concentrate on his own needs without any guilt knowing she was getting what she wanted from the "relationship". she wasn't going to judge him, ***** about him to her friends, be compared, nor did he have to worry about having nicer job/income/house/time with kids. She wasn't going to freeze him out, he wasn't going to have to beg for it (unless he wanted to), or have to worry about any jobs around the house he didn't do. they didn't have to argue about the bills, or the kids school work before hand. Nor will she have complain that she had to cook/clean/look after her own house to him. He was (gasp) allowed to concentrated on his needs, his preferred intimacy, and that was ok with his lady of the night.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Someone gave me a People's magazine.. I was leafing through it today.. and came across this article... now this woman had the world against her...she was born with a rare disease that only her & 2 other people have in this world (that she knows of) ...
> 
> She was raised like she was perfectly normal... but when she got to school.. you can only imagine the bullying.. There are always worse case scenarios ...some have had mountainous things to overcome..
> 
> ...


Thank you very much SimplyAmorous! I just watched her inspiring videos and she is amazing.
Subscribed to her youtube channel as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

spotthedeaddog said:


> do a bit more research and you'll find that often there's a lot more to it than that.
> 
> One of the things I found in my research was that a big draw for those guys was the -honesty!- they got from the women.
> No tricks (no pun intended), mind games, or strings attached.
> The man got to play the "man", and the woman they were with was ok with that. no arguments, no worrying about peripheral stuff that had nothing to do with him, he could concentrate on his own needs without any guilt knowing she was getting what she wanted from the "relationship". she wasn't going to judge him, ***** about him to her friends, be compared, nor did he have to worry about having nicer job/income/house/time with kids. She wasn't going to freeze him out, he wasn't going to have to beg for it (unless he wanted to), or have to worry about any jobs around the house he didn't do. they didn't have to argue about the bills, or the kids school work before hand. Nor will she have complain that she had to cook/clean/look after her own house to him. He was (gasp) allowed to concentrated on his needs, his preferred intimacy, and that was ok with his lady of the night.



Look I have NO SYMPATHY for lazy sexless housewives....you obviously haven't read many of my posts... if a couple agrees to get some on the side and there is no lying & secrets involved...(kinda laughing at that one).. well I'd respect the honesty in that.... I hate liars..gender has nothing to do with it.

I'd just rather the man take a lessor Job... and the woman work too (if I was in this situation) ..so they can fulfill each others needs... 

To each their own...right.. honesty & trust is paramount.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

Zulnex! Hello! 

Like TBT, I remember you from when you used to post in Social (fellow Moby fan!); I've wondered after you and am so glad to see that you are still about. I always liked your posts and thought you were such a sweet gent...I'm happy that this hasn't changed! 

Everyone here has given you solid advice and I've nothing to add other than to point out something you may have overlooked. I know all too well how social anxiety can incapacitate you and impair how you view yourself, but you should realize that even though it's been years, several people here not only remember you...we remember you fondly. You make a lasting positive impression; others can see what an extraordinary, admirable individual you are...whether you see it or not. I'm tired so I may not be articulating myself well, but I just thought you should know that. 

And for what it's worth, if even very little, I think any woman would be lucky to know you, let alone call you theirs. 

Take care of yourself and stay true to who you are because who you are is wonderful. Good luck and safe travels!


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> Zulnex! Hello!
> 
> Like TBT, I remember you from when you used to post in Social (fellow Moby fan!); I've wondered after you and am so glad to see that you are still about. I always liked your posts and thought you were such a sweet gent...I'm happy that this hasn't changed!
> 
> ...


Thank you so much!
My apologies, I was quite busy during the last few years so I could not post a whole lot. From now on, whenever I have some free time, TAM will be on the top of my list.
Thank you Curse of Millhaven for the lovely compliments and encouragements.
Honestly, I am just a modest below average guy and quite far from extraordinary. There is still lots of hard work to be done before I can even be an average guy.
Everyone has been truly supportive and encouraging here. I now understand much better what I need to do in order to improve myself and resolve my shyness/confidence issues. 
I am already making progress and this would be very difficult if TAM members had not voiced their concerns and suggestions. 
I am truly grateful to each and every one of you!


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Zulnex said:


> Honestly, I am just a modest below average guy and quite far from extraordinary. There is still lots of hard work to be done before I can even be an average guy


That is only true if you believe it to be. Who defines you, others or yourself? 

What is below-average, average and above-average? Could you write a paragraph about each of these to describe them?


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> That is only true if you believe it to be. Who defines you, others or yourself?
> 
> What is below-average, average and above-average? Could you write a paragraph about each of these to describe them?


Hello Relationship Teacher. Thank you for asking that excellent question. It really made me think deeply.

I would like to say that I define myself. However, how I evaluate myself is based mostly on my past experiences. 

So, why do I think I fit in the below average category for now?
As we know, people may not always be how they appear at first. Yes, I am kind, courteous and treat everyone with respect. However, if you just scratch a little bit deeper under the surface, not everything looks so great.
Low self-esteem, shyness and insecurity are all there. 
Based what I have experienced in college and read online, women love guys who are outgoing and confident in themselves. Sweetness and kindness simply may not be enough on their own. When I was in college, I saw that some girls were really interested in getting to know me. However, my shyness and lack of confidence ruined some wonderful opportunities. There were 18 people in my class (14 girls and 4 guys). Would an average guy graduate from college without making even one friend? Most people make friends and some also fall in love. I have done neither.
That is why I think I belong in this category for now. I am working very hard though, so one day I can finally be an average guy.

I think that the average category is for guys who have none of the issues like I do. They are confident and easy going with everyone. Women love to be around them. I have personally observed that on numerous occasions while I was in college. I mean these guys were so cool and had a perfect blend of all the positive traits. Girls loved them and laughed at their jokes as well. And me? I am sitting in the corner of the classroom all by myself. This was for an entire year! I think it's quite clear who is successful and who is not.

Above average category? I can't really say a whole lot about it. I am not too sure. 

Please feel free to ask me more. I will be more than happy to reply.
TAM community has really made a tremendous impact on my life. I mean that in a positive way and I am truly happy to be here.

Zulnex


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Zulnex said:


> So, why do I think I fit in the below average category for now?
> As we know, people may not always be how they appear at first. Yes, I am kind, courteous and treat everyone with respect. However, if you just scratch a little bit deeper under the surface, not everything looks so great.
> Low self-esteem, shyness and insecurity are all there.
> Based what I have experienced in college and read online, women love guys who are outgoing and confident in themselves. Sweetness and kindness simply may not be enough on their own. When I was in college, I saw that some girls were really interested in getting to know me. However, my shyness and lack of confidence ruined some wonderful opportunities. There were 18 people in my class (14 girls and 4 guys). Would an average guy graduate from college without making even one friend? Most people make friends and some also fall in love. I have done neither.
> ...


None of your description is of any innate characteristics of yours. You described, basically, a mindset. It isn't you that is below-average but your view of yourself. The way you view yourself instructs how others should view you.


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

Relationship Teacher said:


> None of your description is of any innate characteristics of yours. You described, basically, a mindset. It isn't you that is below-average but your view of yourself. The way you view yourself instructs how others should view you.


Wow, my goodness! I gotta let that sink in. I never thought of it that way...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Zulnex said:


> I think that the average category is for guys who have none of the issues like I do. They are confident and easy going with everyone. Women love to be around them. I have personally observed that on numerous occasions while I was in college. I mean these guys were so cool and had a perfect blend of all the positive traits. Girls loved them and laughed at their jokes as well.* And me? I am sitting in the corner of the classroom all by myself. This was for an entire year! I think it's quite clear who is successful and who is not.*


Honesty... I wish more people would reach out to the shy among us, especially those gifted with "opening a conversation"...

Sometimes we just need a little leading...

When I am in a setting where a group is gathering all over here.. and I notice someone is left out, sitting in that corner.... I generally feel bad & will walk over to the one sitting alone... trying to bring them into the fold... 

True, not everyone wants bothered, like if this person gives me "attitude", shuns me... I'm finished.. learned my lesson!.... but if they are receptive & show kindness.. I will go out of my way to speak to them, ease them into getting involved.. ya know.. 

I don't like seeing others left out... But we can't depend on another doing this.. so yeah...it's something you now greatly regret...should have stood up, walked over, inserted yourself among them...even if you didn't crack a joke.. still tried ... Now you know.. just a little effort.. it can get your foot in the door.

@Relationship Teacher hit it.... gotta change that mindset.. it's pessimistic tendencies is overriding the good... concentrate on your positives.. you are Kind, honest, faithful, a romantic, devoted, deep, you have principles, sound dreams, you are an educated young man with a degree, excellent work ethic, you have so much to offer & give.. so much to work with... when you find that special someone... 

Hold on to @Curse of Millhaven 's words "And for what it's worth, if even very little, I think any woman would be lucky to know you, let alone call you theirs. Take care of yourself and stay true to who you are because who you are is wonderful."

So very true!!


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## Zulnex (Mar 23, 2013)

Thanks very much SA.
Well, if you could have been there and approached me - I would have definitely started a conversation with you. 
I was really hoping that someone would come and sit next to me in my little corner and started talking to me...
I am different now. I am learning to be more open and have courage to approach others. Shyness was not doing me any favors.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Find yourself a single mom to date. They are very independent and will be more understanding of your work conditions.
> 
> How do you deal with being lonely? Well, whether or not you date you will face loneliness on the road. Back in my Army days, I never really felt alone as long as I knew someone was back home waiting for me. Boredom will contribute to your feelings of loneliness, so stay mentally occupied while on the road. Consider audio books, etc.


Because there's nothing a single mom likes than to be used like that.

Good Grief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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