# Being a challenge



## Moving (Mar 6, 2011)

Over the past 6 months I've been following a lot of advice I've seen from here and from the "Married Man Sex Life" blog trying to become more attractive and respected by my W. Adding some alpha and changing the "mommy-child" nature of our relationship has really helped. But, one thing I keep women saying, and have heard my W say, is that it's a trun of if their man is not a "challenge." So, how do I become a challenge without pushing her away and injuring the relationship. Any ideas?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

How do you become a challenge? Dress smartly, get regular haircuts, take care of yourself, groomed face and fingernails and make yourself attractive to others. Nothing and I mean NOTHING makes a woman stand up and take notice if she thinks somebody else is moving in or finds "her man" attractive. 
Personality wise, don't ask permission. Granted, some things require a discussion and compromise but too often I hear my guy friends "asking permission" to stay an extra hour or two after work to hit up a bar and drink with their co-workers, yet the wives think nothing of saying "I am going out with my friends on Saturday night". Stake your claim, if it is reasonable.
In the 17 years my hubby and I have been married, the time my attraction to him was the lowest was when he "asked" to do things. I had always encouraged him to go out, join company sponsored sports teams, go to a bar with friends, live! For whatever reason his "nice guy" approach told him to stay at home. I got so tired of it but I never told him. Fast forward 10 years and we were having problems. He blurts out one evening that I kept him from golfing, racquetball, hanging out with friends, etc. Um, yeah. Wrong. Granted when our sons were babies I needed the help but as they grew older, I kind of wanted him to get out just as much as I wanted to. I think he was still stuck in the "having to be there" phase and that was not healthy. I FELT like his mother and it made my skin crawl. I know his mother and we are often at odds. She is the one who always wants her husband by her side and in turn, taught her sons this. I managed to break him of this. Be your own man, within reason and you will have a wife who respects and loves you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Moving said:


> So, how do I become a challenge without pushing her away and injuring the relationship. Any ideas?


Stop presuming that your relationship is even half as delicate as you may think.

Becoming a challenge simply means that you start making personal time and personal goals as much, if not more of a priority than 'catering' to the relationship.

If she is used to you hanging on her every word, deferring to her, or following her around like a lost puppy, and you simply stop doing those things, and take initiative for yourself ... then you change the dynamic. You have just given birth to 'challenging'.

She may become curious. She may become pissed off. How you handle it from there determines if you foster attraction or resentment.

Becoming a 'challenge' is often as easy and straightforward as saying 'No' to a request to which you would normally cave.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah that togetherness thing can backfire. I am much more competitive than my wife. If we do a sport together she's constantly scolding me that I'm a bad sport while I tell her that accepting mediocrity is not an option.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah that togetherness thing can backfire.


 *CAN* backfire, not always. Depends on the woman in question, what your wife is like, what turns her on, what she appreciates in her man. 

I personally LOVE the doting mushy husband who is always there by my side. Works for me, no lack of passion on my part what so ever.  I read this ALL the time on this board, I guess I am a female freak in comparison to other women. 

I like a little conflict sometimes, sure. If we dont agree on something, I want him to stand against me, tell me what for! so we can haggle it out, It revs up the emotions, gets you all excited, and when you are done haggling, you get to have mad make up sex. 

I LOVE a sense of humor, if you get her laughing, teasing her a bit, this is great FUN. 

I really dont understand the "challenge" thing all that much, everyone else here can answer that so I can get a handle on what they mean even.

I personally appreciate the openly sensitive man who walks beside me, probably not much of a challenge -if others were to judge. But it makes me feel loved, cherished and I still want a ton of sex, the mushy connection does not take away from the passion, at least not for me. I thrive on the closeness. 

Just a lone perspective here. Now to discover what YOUR wife appreciates to turn up the heat.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Deejo is spot on. I think that may have been your problem in the past, you may have been to anxious that your wife had one foot out the door. Even if she did, walking on egg shell won't make her plant both feet in. Creating a challenge is really having boundaries and sticking to them. 

They should at a minimum, include respect of you in action and communication. decide on consequences and adjust them if necessary but never let her cross the line with out consequence. It also an attitude, you care about her and love her but you have too much self respect and love for your self to tolerate her crossing your boundaries. You can not assure her that you can stay in the relationship if you try and fail to bring things around.

It means that you will consider divorce, not easily but after a good faith effort to make the relationship a loving one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Moving (Mar 6, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. The above all makes sense and I've really made changes in those directions, and seen definite improvements in our overall relationship and in the bedroom. But I read some comments from women on other posts that said their man was too easy when it came to sex with them. Should I mix it up once in a while and turn down or avoid initiating sex in order to build attraction? My W is very competitive and may like the challenge. Anybody do this, or like it when their man does it?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Look up Doc Love - Doc Love - he has a whole bunch of material on "challenge". It's basically keeping the woman in a state of uncertainty - teasing, turning her down, saying no, making her chase you.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

A challenging man is a man who is strong and smart and confident. He is the masculine counterpoint to our feminine energy. He is attractive to us, because he is different than us in a way that we can't figure out.

A good book is : The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida- if you can get past the slightly yucky new age-y element of the book, his ideas are very accurate, uncomfortably so actually (from a Woman's POV).

A real turn off is when we *feel* you trying to hard to get something. If we think you are angling for sex, playing games with us or manipulating- we think you are pathetic. 

We don't want you to *need* us, we want you to *want* us. We want a protector, not a doormat.


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