# Wife Cheated Again - Am I wrong to feel this way?



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

So 5 years ago my wife had an affair with another man, we let it go and got through it.

However 3 months ago my wife had a transplant and they have her on a bunch of medications, and a week ago i caught her having another emotional affair with a woman, sending nude photos back and fourth and things like this.

I decided to try to make it work as i love this woman a lot and we have a child and everything together. However, this one has devastated me. 

Now since i have caught her this time, she has become transparent with me, she give me her passwords, etc that i can check to try to rebuild trust.

Now, with that being said, I personally believe that in a marriage, we took vows and things, and while it is okay to have friends of the opposite sex, we shouldn't be texting and talking to these opposite sex friends everyday, all day.

Before, this latest incident, i never checked her phone or anything, however, since i have started after this affair, i have noticed that she gets random chats from guys from time to time and she talks to them, which is okay, as it is random and from time to time like once a week or maybe even further out like a couple times a month, whatever. Which i feel is fine, as i believe we can have friends of the opposite sex and talk to them sometimes.

However, i have noticed that over the past 2 weeks she has been talking to this guy from my work and she talks to him everyday, from the time she gets up until the time she goes to bed. She wakes up and says "Good Morning" to him, she ask him how he is doing all day, what he is doing right now, they have a "Poke" war on facebook where they poke each other all day, she ask him about his relationships, tells him "Good Night" every night. 

She doesn't do this with ANY of her girlfriends, she checks in on her girlfriends MAYBE a couple time a week and i don't know any of her girlfriends besides maybe one, that she speaks to multiple times a day.

Meanwhile, this guy she is talking to is actually sleeping with another married woman, yet i have told my wife about this and she keeps saying "Im not doing anything wrong", "We don't talk about anything in appropriate". (Now, granted i have seen the chats and she hasn't said anything to wrong to him), we are literally a week out of me catching her having another affair and yet she is resistant to even care and says I am just a controlling jerk. (Now, lets be honest, sometimes i do like to be in charge, i wont' say i wont, but i literally just caught her again and my feelings are very raw)

Am I wrong in feeling that we can have opposite sex friends, but find it disrespectful to the marriage to speak to them all day, everyday like this, even sometimes speak to them more than your own partner.


----------



## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

FH your wife will continue to do what ever you tolerate.

Set your boundaries and enforce them.

55


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Your wife has some major issues that you need to address.

Married women do not "chat" all day long with other men without their husbands being aware of it, and you can rest assured if that continues she will wind up meeting one of them.

If you let this be rug swept again you are just asking for more of the same, Andy you telling her you will accept anything she does in order to stay married to her is the exact opposite of what you should be doing.

It's time to tell her if she cannot stop her need to have other men giving her ego kibbles all day long that she needs to marry one of them but you have no intention of sharing her, on the computer or in person.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you so why do you accept this. 5 years did your wife have sex with her other man? If so it sounds like you just rug sweep it away.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

just got it 55 said:


> FH your wife will continue to do what ever you tolerate.
> 
> Set your boundaries and enforce them.
> 
> 55


I am doing that and this morning she told that person that i am uncomfortable with it and they shouldn't chat that much anymore.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Your wife has some major issues that you need to address.
> 
> Married women do not "chat" all day long with other men without their husbands being aware of it, and you can rest assured if that continues she will wind up meeting one of them.
> 
> ...


Your right, now to be 100% frank I am AWARE of it and I have and can see the conversations, however to me, it is still disrespect to be talking to a person of the opposite sex all day long, even if i do know about it.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed I doubt that your wife would accept such humiliation and disrespect from you so why do you accept this. 5 years did your wife have sex with her other man? If so it sounds like you just rug sweep it away.
> 
> IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?
> No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


Yes they did have sex. 

Thanks for the information.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

FrightHusband said:


> I am doing that and this morning she told that person that i am uncomfortable with it and they shouldn't chat that much anymore.


So is this were it goes underground?

Hopefully your coworker see this "one" is a dead end and stop the "hunt"!

Now......your old lady is not very remorseful if she doesn't have a high degree of submission to keep you completely happy and off infidelity forms.

My biggest concern for you is you will be going through the infidelity pain in the future .....lets face it your old lady love the attention be it from a man or a women.

At the end of the day your old lady can't affair proof her marriage and with that, you need to consider the risk you are going to take in staying with her and the emotional pain that come with it.


Please tell me the sex is awesome...it better be... to put up with this shyt from your old lady. 

I'm guessing you are waiting for her 3rd strike before you pull the trigger on a divorce?


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

FrightHusband said:


> *So 5 years ago my wife had an affair with another man, we let it go and got through it.*
> 
> However 3 months ago my wife had a transplant and they have her on a bunch of medications, and a week ago i caught her having another emotional affair with a woman, sending nude photos back and fourth and things like this.




OP- so 5-years ago you rug swept your wife's sexual affair with another man. You should not be surprised that you discovered another affair. After all, the last affair... that you know about... was treated as no big deal.

I am a firm believer that rug sweeping an issue like this is a mistake. You can't hide a pile of sh!t this big with a pretty rug. It will come back to bite you in the arse.

You know of the second affair by chance, makes me wonder how many others that you don't know about.

If you want to work this out. I suggest that you actually deal with the issue at hand this time, establish and enforce effective boundaries and if she is truly remorseful- seek MC


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> So is this were it goes underground?
> 
> Hopefully your coworker see this "one" is a dead end and stop the "hunt"!
> 
> ...





I wouldn't care if she could turn flips in bed, but to each their own.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Are you fimilar with the concept of grooming ? Her OM is grooming her and she is eating it up. At this point it will go underground. They both been around the block and will avoid rookie mistakes. 

Your timeline is a huge red flag. 

3 years ago EA/PA with man
3 weeks ago EA with nude photos with a Women
2 weeks ago grooming sessions with a man. 

HUH ?

Is your wife Bi ?
Are you or have you been swingers ? 

Drop the subject with her. Read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. Get any of her old phones, make a list of types, model numbers, including her current numbers and contact @GusPolinski. Take her care to the car wash. Look for hidden burner phones and put a VAR under the driver sides seat attached with velco. Spend three or four weeks gathering info. Do not reveal you are or how you are gaining info. I don't care if you find our your brother, sister, and her are enjoying romps in your bed 5 times a week. Do not confront until the next step I suggest is compete. 

See a lawyer. Establish a game plan how to get the best divorce settlement. Often this will involve taking time to lay the ground work. 

When you have these steps in place file and then and only then confront while serving papers. Then and only then consider reconciliation. 

After you have done


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are wrong in your thinking that you have to be the one to walk on eggshells and worry about what your wife gets angry with while she has affairs with men and women, while you just accept it. 

I suspect your wife to be a serial cheater based on what you described. What do you think was happening the rest of the five years while you had your head in the sand, or were just not checking in her?

I really don't know how to be helpful, other to give you my perspective. She only told the guy that to appease you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sammy TC (Jan 16, 2016)

Hello. I am sorry you are experiencing pain. I noticed that you asked "am I wrong to feel this way?" and I think it is important not to judge feelings. You can judge actions, but your feelings are information. If you are uncomfortable, you can be honest about that. You want to be fair to your spouse, but you have to be fair to yourself too. If one person is turning themselves into a pretzel to make things work, that's not really a marriage in my view. And if you are appearing to tolerate something on the surface that internally you really can't tolerate, that disapproval will rear its head anyway. You may as well own your feelings.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

Thank you guys so much for the information, I really appreciate it. It helps to know that i am not completely wrong in what I am feeling.

I welcome everyone else's opinions and feedback.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You have a lot of work to do in confirming your old ladies agenda.......and stop believing that you are getting the whole story....you need to do your own investigation to validate what "she lets you see"!

I'm guessing you not only except her guys friends but also except her many GNO's?

I think to avoid being controlling you avoided the protection the marriage needed in the start. Now you want to throw some new boundaries at her. For years you have been sharing your wife so as to prevent being labeled insecure, jealous, and controlling.....she has groomed you well my friend.

My point is be prepared, she will not like the new protection you are offering in this marriage and she will pull away knowing you will chase her.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

This is the second one you CAUGHT. Dont bet on it actually being the second one.

Sounds like your wife is being played by a player and eating it up.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

You guys are rigbt, he is a player and I told her that and she has literally pushed back against me for days, saying I'm the one in the wrong for trying to control her and that I am suffocating her.

In my opinion, if you just cheated and your husband is trying to give you another chance you should try to do everything to make him feel comfortable not keep pushing back at him.

But maybe I'm wrong.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look, your wife has no respect for you at all.
It's all about her, and how to keep your paycheck at this point.

She has shown you how much she will take and you better back off.

Seriously !!! I mean seriously!!!!!

Are you really such an ugly, fat, nasty person that she and YOU feel, you can't do any better than her ??
Seriously !!

How old is your child ??
Is the child old enough to learn how NOT to be a REAL husband from you??

To start, since she cheated, she lost the moral highground, and don't have a leg to stand on.

The problem seems to you though.

At this point, you dictate who and what she is allowed to remain married to you.
That's it, enuff said if she wants to stay married.
BUT, you have to mean it !!!
Saying and not following up if she violates, means lost of the lil regard she MAY still have for you.
Notice I said regard not respect.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

FrightHusband said:


> You guys are rigbt, he is a player and I told her that and she has literally pushed back against me for days, saying I'm the one in the wrong for trying to control her and that I am suffocating her.
> 
> In my opinion, if you just cheated and your husband is trying to give you another chance you should try to do everything to make him feel comfortable not keep pushing back at him.
> 
> But maybe I'm wrong.


The above confirms in my mind that your wife is not remorseful in the least.

You have no chance at a successful R with this mind set.

If you want to have a chance at changing her perspective.

Do a hard 180 and do it for yourself.

Get some IC to find out why you have such little self respect and put up with this kind of crap.

See a lawyer and file for D. You can always stop the D if she turns away from her cheating ways and demonstrates true remorse.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh, and by the way, she is not being played !!!
SHE is the player !!!

So STOP looking for excuses for her behavior.
This woman knows exactly what she is doing !!!!!


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

FrightHusband said:


> You guys are rigbt, he is a player and I told her that and she has literally pushed back against me for days, saying I'm the one in the wrong for trying to control her and that I am suffocating her.
> 
> In my opinion, if you just cheated and your husband is trying to give you another chance you should try to do everything to make him feel comfortable not keep pushing back at him.
> 
> But maybe I'm wrong.


You'e not wrong. At all.

Please read this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Look at it this way.

You bust her 1st A, she then goes and do it again.
You bust that 1 too.
" I'll show his butt " Now I'll bring it to his JOB !!!

Now tell me, how disrespectful is that ??


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Run Forrest run !!!
This is a contest you can't win.
This woman is going to test you your whole marriage.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

Our son is eight years old. I am a bit of a heavier set guy, by all means I am not ugly and completely disgusting, but i do have many self confidence issue.


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

Also, let me ask you this.

Even though I was looking at their conversation and they were NOT saying anything inappropriate, am I wrong in feeling that you shouldn't be spending that much time talking to a member of the opposite sex all day, even if your not doing anything in appropriate?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JohnA said:


> Are you fimilar with the concept of grooming ? Her OM is grooming her and she is eating it up. At this point it will go underground. They both been around the block and will avoid rookie mistakes.
> 
> Your timeline is a huge red flag.
> 
> ...


Honestly I don't even see the point in any of ^this^.

OP, your wife is a serial cheater. She is never, Ever, EVER going to stop cheating. Ever.

In your heart, you know this.

So either learn to live w/ it or divorce.

Personally I'd suggest the latter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

FrightHusband said:


> Also, let me ask you this.
> 
> Even though I was looking at their conversation and they were NOT saying anything inappropriate, am I wrong in feeling that you shouldn't be spending that much time talking to a member of the opposite sex all day, even if your not doing anything in appropriate?


Yes.

Even if there's nothing inappropriate NOW, given her history, it won't be long before there is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

How did your wife become friends from a guy at your workplace? I assume she is a SAHM? If this dude is a player, why don't you blow up his world regarding the married woman she is banging? If he is your friend, cut him out of your life. Also, time for you to put your wife in her place regarding her boundaries with people. She's willing to cheat with men and women, sounds like she's attracted to anyone but you. Either try to fix the attraction issue quickly or give up the marriage. Loss of attraction can be a killer; however, IMHO you are n luck because you have some easier things you can work on to rebuild it - like getting your bod in shape plus building your self respect. But... With her being a serial cheater it may be fait accompli that the marriage is unsalvagible. JMHO.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

FrightHusband said:


> Also, let me ask you this.
> 
> Even though I was looking at their conversation and they were NOT saying anything inappropriate, am I wrong in feeling that you shouldn't be spending that much time talking to a member of the opposite sex all day, even if your not doing anything in appropriate?


If your are uncomfortable with her talking to someone then she shouldn't talk to that person. If she is uncomfortable with you talking to someone then you shouldn't talk to that person. A friend that is not a friend to the marriage is an enemy of the marriage.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

FrightHusband,
@GusPolinski, is right. See a lawyer, determine how assets, alimony, and custody are determined in your state. With your lawyer set up a game to maximize custody, minimize asset loss on your part and minimize sopusal support. When you have all your ducks in a row file. 

While doing so learn and practice the 180 Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums.

Gather information using http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. When you confront with this information with divorce papers in hand do not reveal your source. Understand these OM and OW will be coaching her on how to screw you in a settlement. If you cannot drive them out of your wife's life you need to know what they are telling her.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What were the consequences to her having sex with another man 5 years ago putting your health at risk for STD's? If the OM was married did you contact the OM's significant other? Were you both tested for STD's?
Having sex with another man is very very serious. What did she do for you to prove that you should trust her again? Obviously whatever it was it did not work.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

One more thing. You strike me as one of the good nice guys. Do you think that she would have had a sexual affair 5 years ago if she knew that you would have filed for divorce if this had happened? I have a hunch that she probably believed that you are such a nice guy that she could get away with it and nothing would happened so why not? I believe that this mentality allowed her to engage in such an intense emotional affair currently as well. Am I incorrect?


----------



## FrightHusband (Jan 17, 2016)

No you guys are right, I have often been told I am too nice and everything. This is so hard really, I grew up from a broken home and hate that for my son.


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

I don't knowe why you think it was a big deal and concession on her part to tell this other guy she is now chatting with that they should not talk as much any more.

Will you please read that again and realize how ridiculous that statement is. So this guy is trying to lure her into having sex with him and you still think it's ok if she just cuts down a little on the communication????

You really need to rerad a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" because you are getting crapped on here .
Your non negotiable position should be that there is absolutely NO MORE CONTACT and texting and that if she refuses to stop she can move in with him.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Just remember these words: Nobody and I mean nobody respects and values a doormat.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is a serial cheater. She's broken and can't be fixed. At least three times in five years that you know of. Serial cheaters can rarely quit.

You need to separate accounts and talk to a lawyer. The only thing that might work is shock and awe. Cut off all money/credit cards you are providing.

What kind of transplant did she have?


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

They have poke wars..??????? A little poke never hurt no one........as Gus said...it was the first thing that came to mind when you said that.....could be a way of them saying to each other "I want a piece of you"...foreplay


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Are you fimilar with the concept of grooming ? Her OM is grooming her and she is eating it up.


Nope, gotta disagree.
This is number 3, this not grooming. Once maybe, twice doubtful, three times and you are actively in the driver's seat looking for this type of attention.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry you're here. I wouldn't be surprised if she's cheated on you other times that you just dont know about. 

You need to see a lawyer and maybe get some counseling for yourself. While I can understand you not wanting your son to grow up in two seperate households, having a father whose wife doesnt respect him and who doesnt have enough self-respect to stand up for himself isn't doing him any favors either.

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

FrightHusband said:


> No you guys are right, I have often been told I am too nice and everything. This is so hard really, I grew up from a broken home and hate that for my son.


What you don't see is that you are doing your son a tremendous disservice by teaching him that it is okay to allow people who are supposed to love you abuse you and treat you like garbage. 

Your son is watching you. Watching everything. Right now he is watching his dad being steamrolled and abused by his mother, and through your passivity and inaction, you are teaching him that this is the way he should allow himself to be treated by the women he encounters in his future. 

Is this what you want for him?

We teach the people around us how to treat us. You have taught your wife that she can rip your heart out, emasculate you and humiliate you and you will do nothing. That is why your ranting and threats land on deaf ears, because she knows you will not follow through with what you have promised her you would do. 

And here you are.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> What you don't see is that you are doing your son a tremendous disservice by teaching him that it is okay to allow people who are supposed to love you abuse you and treat you like garbage.
> 
> Your son is watching you. Watching everything. Right now he is watching his dad being steamrolled and abused by his mother, and through your passivity and inaction, you are teaching him that this is the way he should allow himself to be treated by the women he encounters in his future.
> 
> ...


Good song from 75 I think...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mudlXF3MA8Q&list=RDmudlXF3MA8Q


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

And one more thing...


Your growing up in a dysfunctional household? That excuse doesn't fly. It doesn't fly with us here and doesn't fly in the world at large. You are a man. It is your responsibility to deal with the crap that has been dealt you in your life, whether invited or uninvited, and how you deal with that crap is what sets apart real men from grown up boys. Which are you? 

The survival skills you adopted as a kid to make it through the hell of your daily existence need to be discarded. You are an appeaser. It is time to learn to stand your ground.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

FrightHusband said:


> Also, let me ask you this.
> 
> Even though I was looking at their conversation and they were NOT saying anything inappropriate, *am I wrong in feeling that you shouldn't be spending that much time talking to a member of the opposite sex all day, even if your not doing anything in appropriate?*


Yes, you are wrong. She should have no opposite sex friends *PERIOD*.

Your wife is a serial cheater. And she can actually look you in the face and say that you are smothering her? That you are controlling? Are you kidding me? 

I'm in R with my wife who cheated on me 4 years ago. But I can tell you with certainty that if she tried to pull that same crap on me, I'd divorce her in a New York second.

Good grief. Since you've made the dubious decision to R with a serial cheater; at least hold her accountable for crossing the new marital boundaries that she created.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

FrightHusband said:


> However, i have noticed that over the past 2 weeks she has been talking to this guy from my work and she talks to him everyday, from the time she gets up until the time she goes to bed. She wakes up and says "Good Morning" to him, she ask him how he is doing all day, what he is doing right now, they have a "Poke" war on facebook where they poke each other all day, she ask him about his relationships, tells him "Good Night" every night.


Folks tell you the reason this crap goes on is because you rugsweped the last one, you didn't enforce boundaries, ect. Im here to tell you none of these are the real reason. The reality is she's lost romantic interest and respect for you disappeared long ago and once its gone it seldom come back. 
To summarize, I'd think your wife has a lot of good qualities. The problem is her bad qualities. One, from your perspective, she's no longer interested in being exclusively your wife.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FrightHusband said:


> However, i have noticed that over the past 2 weeks she has been talking to this guy from my work and she talks to him everyday, from the time she gets up until the time she goes to bed. She wakes up and says "Good Morning" to him, she ask him how he is doing all day, what he is doing right now, they have a "Poke" war on facebook where they poke each other all day, she ask him about his relationships, tells him "Good Night" every night.
> 
> Meanwhile, this guy she is talking to is actually sleeping with another married woman, yet i have told my wife about this and she keeps saying "Im not doing anything wrong", "We don't talk about anything in appropriate".
> 
> we are literally a week out of me catching her having another affair and yet she is resistant to even care and says I am just a controlling jerk.


You're kidding, right? You basically LET her have an affair and stay married, you let her cheat with another woman, and now you're shocked that she's cheating with yet another man? What did you expect?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FrightHusband said:


> I am doing that and this morning she told that person that i am uncomfortable with it and they shouldn't chat *that much *anymore.


Yeah, cuz THAT will work...
:lol:


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FrightHusband said:


> Our son is eight years old. I am a bit of a heavier set guy, by all means I am not ugly and completely disgusting, but i do have many self confidence issue.


That's quite clear. Or you would have stood up to her. You think if you take a stand, she'll kick you out immediately, take all your money, and you'll be alone the rest of your life.

so you know, the best chance you have of keeping your wife and son is if you DO stand up to her. Why? Because women only respect strong men. Only treat strong men decently, want to get strong men to keep them. Is it a given that she will stay or stop cheating? No. But you have a MUCH better chance of it if you finally start enacting real consequences every time she cheats. It will likely take her a long while to realize you mean it, you will divorce her, you will take your son and move out, etc. Lots of her testing your resolve.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

One more time: If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I feel sorry for you my friend because you allowed ALL OF THIS. 

I know people will tell you there is noone to blame,but I belive you should blame yourself for 50%. 

When your wife cheated first time you just sat there and didnt do anything.
Now you are in the same position and she is doing it again. Sometimes your wife goes angry with you and once more you let her do it.

When you said to her this guy is a "player" and your wife defended him should be your first Red Flag. 

She cheated on you once so why do you allow her to have close male friends ? Friends she spent texting all morning and night,like wtf !!!.

And this guy is working with you,sleeping with other married women and you are OK your wife is friends with him !!!

About this woman. It is the same situation. It does not matter male or female,she is cheating on you AGAIN.

You wife used to have paswords on her phone and mail accounts,but you caught her AGAIN and she is willing to give them to you. For how long did you ask yourself ??? 

She was recovering after surgery and my advice to you my friend is to send her to this guy or her female lover and let them take care of her.

She is using you and she will continue doing this,because you allow her.


----------

