# I thought everything was ok-im wrong and now it may be the end



## stringer97 (Feb 21, 2011)

Dear fellow members. 

I have viewed this forum for a while and had to register to share my story and hopefully get some guided advice.

Im hurting bad and wish for a quick fix which i know is not possible. My story starts back in december just before new year.

My wife told me she did not feel anything for me, it came as a shock as i was happy with my life with her and my daughter and felt proud to love and care for them but turns out she did not feel the same way, we had a resting period of about a week where i had moved out and it was her that asked me pack, her reason for not loving me were many, im always moaning, there is never enough money, she wants to live her life, we always fight.

I didn't think we fought that much but for her it seems we did. after my return in Janurary i started to change, need i say it was a little change needed as i border line from being a great dad and husband her words may i add. I never felt there was any reason for this but some how it happened. Its been 3 months and all seemed to be going well till last night,

I tolder her i noticed ther password changed on her fb account and asked her what it was she said why and didnt want to give it to me, i could get it easy if i wanted, i know how to use computers but it was about respect, we had a lil disccusion not really an aurgement even if i was disappointed by her choice. Later that even i was a little strict with my daughter about getting her to be, i wanna add i was not angry but gave impression of a firm dad. She got very angry at me and all hell broked loose as i followed her to kitchen asking her what that was all about, she then proceeded to tell me that she feels nothing for me that she wants to pay bills then we go our seperate ways. IM a dedicated dad and husband who does a lot of house work including cooking dinner so imagine how shocked i am when im sitting there woundering why i always am doing something wrong. Yet she said im a good dad and husband and i give her a good life and a secure one. Our sex life is down to once or twice a year that thats ****e as well infact sometimes i wounder if its me really the problem or her. I give her the world and i think i gave her to much.

Im told we are together here but seperated in her eyes so now im asking you all. Do i have a chance, what approaches do i take, she does not want relate while im in contact with relate and private counciling to try and deal with this. We been married 4 years and god she is stubborn and annoying at times but i love her to say the least. I told her if she chooses this path i will fight her for 50/50 while before i showed her i was week but now i know i can't sit back and let if go by. Did i do right she got upset and told me im so immature. I tolder her i will get a professional lawyer, it hurt hurting her like that when i loved her.

please advise. save my marriage.
daniel 28 years old


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

daniel, 
this is a tough situation. i have never been married, nor do i have kids, but i was in a relationship (with my now ex) for over 3 years. he emotionally abused me, told me i was fat (im built,not fat i guess.. i was a cheerleader for 7 years) just because it made him feel better about himself. he did nothing for me, happened to start a fight with me on every holiday and my birthday to avoid having to spend money on me. he would tell me we couldnt go out because he didnt have the money, but as soon as his friends asked him to go out, he would travel to different states etc. and i would see receipts from different bars: 40$ here, 87$ there... well i thought you had no money.... 


sometimes, you really think you know someone and you just DONT. its plain and simple. i sat there for a good year pretending everything was fine, and not saying anything, in hopes that he would change... he never did. he still hasnt. not after getting arrested for stalking me, anger management classes... NOTHING. some ppl never change... maybe there are things that she has had a problem with that she has kept inside to avoid fights. you say you have a child, which makes it much harder.... 

another situation, which in your case i hope is not true... she could be cheating. im not making assumptions, let me assure you. i dont know your wife, and i would never talk badly about someone i didnt know... but when i ended my past relationship abruptly, it was because 1) i was keeping in all of the problems i had with him, and they all came to a head at once.. and 2) i was ready to move on and wanted to see someone else.... im not a cheater. there for, ending the relationship was the best thing for me to do... has she ever given you a reason to not trust that she was being faithful?


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## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

She is having an affair.

Do NOT confront her with this or she will deny it...I guarantee it.

Investigate this via computer, cell phone records, get a voice activated recorder also.

Do this in stealth mode, and you will come up with the answer.

At that point you will understand why she suddenly wants to split with you and doesn't want sex.
The very same reason she is hiding her FB password.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

agreed, Bluesky.... i was trying to beat around that bush, i guess lol... seriously. investigate!


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

stringer. Your story almost mirrors what my story is.



> Im hurting bad and wish for a quick fix which i know is not possible. My story starts back in december just before new year.


Same feelings, same time frame. A quick fix was what I tried to do, but her therapist said that this will not happen within my time frame. I discovered that my wife had past issues (before our marriage) that she had to sort out and deal with. Her father told me that she always had to have things "her" way. She would get upset, even ignore someone if they upset her. What she is doing to me is no different than what she did to her mother when she disowned her.



> My wife told me she did not feel anything for me...we had a resting period of about a week where i had moved out and it was her that asked me pack,


It was ten days for me.



> I tolder her i noticed ther password changed...Our sex life is down to once or twice a year


Same effects.



> Do i have a chance, what approaches do i take...she is stubborn and annoying at times...


I cannot tell you if you have a chance or not. This will depend on her. I am going to share with you a little more about my story. Maybe it will shed some light for you.

My wife told me that she wanted some time and space, so I gave it to her. The kicker here is, I did not know that she was having an affair until recently. She got upset at me and threw me out for other reasons (I caught one of her 14 YO daughters fooling around with a 22 YO man of the Church, and confronted my wife about it).....

I was told by "someone" that she was having an EA (an emotional affair, an affair of the heart). I am the primary subscriber to our cell phones, so I get a detailed bill every month. I see on it that she and him have been making many calls, running my bill up. I cannot shut off her phone due to the contract.

My wife wants nothing to do with me. She said that she was done. I was devastated, I hurt like hell. I tried too hard to get her to see what she was doing wrong and thus I forced the issue. She fought harde rback in total denial. Unfortunately, she either was blind (in the fog) or didn't care what was going on.

She is LDS, I am not. When we got together, I was smoking at the time, I drank an occasional beer. She knew this before we started dating. I nad no more beer once I was with her. I quit smoking a year after we got married. The only things I had left were drinking pop, coffee and my occasional swearing, and going t oChurch.

I made the necessary changes, but they were too late. I wasn't a bad person, I just wasn't who she wanted me to be. She tried changing me into something that I was not. I have since made some changes. Now that I have become what she wanted me to be, she wants nothing to do with me. There is still too much tension in the air. She is quite happy with her new "friend".

Since we seem to share the same path, I am hoping that I can divert you from a path of self destruction. Keep a cool, calm head. Think through things before you say or do anything. I saw too late what I was doing, and this added pressure will not help her any to "see the light" of what she is doing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its very rare that someone will admit they have an exit plan if there isn't some one else in the wing.

What I mean is your wife would most likely stick around the stability and security of what you have to offer. But since she has found some one that is influencing her and giving her the perseption that she can do better, she in making you out to be the bad guy and is validating her behavior by rewriting history, and making it look worse then it was.

Granted it may very well have been bad but since she has taken the step to inform you now instead of when she started feeling un happy so many years ago,it lead us to believe she is seeing someone.

This may not be the case at all and she may very well be done with the marriage with out any outside influences. But if you quitely do some investigation you may be able to curtail it, if you dont and she moves out and with in a few days her new "guy friend" move in right of away it will be to late.

At best you while at least know if or if not that there are other influences, right now it just may be a toxic girl friend feeding her bad advice, it may not.

You need to realy find out for your self what you are truly up against. And if you think you can ask her she will not give you a straight answer, they never do. If you do not do your own research, then you will find out soon enough when you move out and the OM moves in.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

> This may not be the case at all and she may very well be done with the marriage with out any outside influences. But if you quitely do some investigation you may be able to curtail it,
> 
> At best you while at least know if or if not that there are other influences, right now it just may be a toxic girl friend feeding her bad advice, it may not.


This was what I was hoping for until I found out the news about my wife. Keep your mind open. Do the reasearch as the guy suggests. It is better to find the truth than it is to just go with speculation. Too often we assume that our spouses are having an affair, when what they are really going through is some kind of a break-down or melt down. This way, when your investigation is done and you have found that she has ad an affair, then you have something concrete to go on.


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## jd29 (Jan 17, 2011)

I hate to say it also but she is having an affair, I have just finished up months and months of pain.
Women just don't decide they no longer love a man, unless he is abusive in some way, and ready to get out of a marriage. I have read countless articles about this behavior. They have to have someone else that they are ready to go be with. I am sure this may not be the case for all women but for the most I would bet this is true.
Do not fall for the trap that you did this and that what you did drove her to this feeling.
The best thing anyone has said is that things in a marriage are 50/50. If she did not like these things she should have stepped up and communicated these issues. Now if she truly is having an affair that is 100% her fault, again some good info from this site.

DO NOT LET HER MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE THE BAD GUY. I speak from experience here.

I would trust your gut on this and try to gather all the information you can like theguy suggested. 

I feel your pain but you need to be a realist on this one.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My story is here
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation-stories/21986-counseling-reconciliation-success.html

Get MC now if you are not already in it. I think its your only hope for this.


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