# Handling Memories



## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Hi everyone..my stbxh has been gone 4 weeks tomorrow...I had been feeling a bit better, visiting my sister over the weekend. But coming home, seeing so many signs of places the family had been over the years was just crushing..how do u handle seeing things from the past and not lose it? My H moved away, so he has escaped his memories...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Amy
I always see the past as painful. I say to myself "Past is painful" everytime I start feeling nostalgic or think about what I should have done or what I did wrong. I simply recite that expression and it seems to pull me back to the present moment with more hope and enthusiasm.

The reason I say "Past is painful" is because the bad things have gone, they are over now so we would be paying attention to the wrong things if we continue to think about them.. the right things to pay attention to are things happening *today* and tomorrow. Secondly even the good memories are a painful past, that great summer I had cannot be relived, so why bother thinking about it. Instead I will see how I can make this summer enjoyable. I will redefine myself for today not my past.

So by getting rid of the past completely (_good_ and bad) I seem to have overcome the past completely. It helps me feel more more alive, I see opportunities differently. I can now go for an icecream where I like when I like without thinking 'perhaps I shouldn't because last time xxxx happened', for example. I just live and with it comes some joy.

Hope this helps.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

I feel your pain. I'm in a situation where reminders are literally constant: I live barely away a mile from my STBXW, and work for her former in-laws from her first marriage. Even after 8 months I still wince every time I see something that I connect with our life together. I went out to take out the trash yesterday and actually saw her sitting next door, 20 feet away at best, on the back porch of the house I work in, laughing and cheerfully chatting with her former mother-in-law. I went inside and fell apart; shaking violently, crying... I even puked, which made me feel even more pathetic. This is just from glimpsing her for a moment.

The ONLY time I have ever been remotely close to sane have been the brief periods when I've had no reminders at all. No pictures, no music. No television. No errands at a time when I would have even the slightest chance of running into her. Total and utter sensory deprivation is all that has worked for me. I've had to set up situations in which I could avoid, or at least minimize, any evidence of her existence.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

MainStreetExile said:


> I feel your pain. I'm in a situation where reminders are literally constant: I live barely away a mile from my STBXW, and work for her former in-laws from her first marriage. Even after 8 months I still wince every time I see something that I connect with our life together. I went out to take out the trash yesterday and actually saw her sitting next door, 20 feet away at best, on the back porch of the house I work in, laughing and cheerfully chatting with her former mother-in-law. I went inside and fell apart; shaking violently, crying... I even puked, which made me feel even more pathetic. This is just from glimpsing her for a moment.
> 
> The ONLY time I have ever been remotely close to sane have been the brief periods when I've had no reminders at all. No pictures, no music. No television. No errands at a time when I would have even the slightest chance of running into her. Total and utter sensory deprivation is all that has worked for me. I've had to set up situations in which I could avoid, or at least minimize, any evidence of her existence.


You have my sympathy. I hope you can find a way to seperate the objects from the emotions. Whilst we give importance to object (people, places, noises etc) then we are open to reaction when we encounter them through our senses or memory. I don't think any less of you for your reactions, but I do wish a way out so you can enjoy your day.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Tough times letting those fun memories go...a friend suggested that everytime one of those pops up in my mind (wish we could have brain pop-up blockers!!!), she said for me to write it down in my journal, then underneath it, write out plans to create a new memory...did help out some, just got to follow through with making the new memories!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Good advice from all, Amy. Also, look at it this way -- this is your first trip back since the separation. It's never going to be this hard again -- you've got the worst behind you now. Cold comfort, I suppose, but worth remembering.


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## amyw46 (Jun 21, 2012)

Thanks...great advice everybody


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