# cheating fiance



## confusedpartner (Oct 26, 2016)

im stuck and dont know what to do

ive been with my fiance for 7 years and have 2 children. before she fell pregnant with out first our relationship was good, sex life was amazing and i was really happy but then after the birth of our first child thats when life took a different turn.

our sex life died and we didnt have it for 2 and a half years (including the time she was pregnant) and we were having problems as in we were not connecting. i was fighting for us and trying to get her to get help with her issues as she would not talk to me things where looking up and then we fell pregnant with our second child, when that happened things went back to hell i had from her. 

about 2 years ago one night we had a god all mighty row and i spent the night down my mothers and when i came back the next day i was really thinking about going because i was unhappy so i was trying to remove my phone from the house itunes account and i seen emails of the sexual nature (hugh hefner could have published it) between her and another guy and she promised me that it would never happen again and nothing physical happened. 

After about 6 months i seen i new set of messages between him and her and she said it was just messages and nothing happend besides that and she would not contact him again. so to make sure that i didnt miss anything i set up a auto forward from her email account if she ever got another email from him.

fast forward to about a week ago the emails started again between the two of them and this time they were looking to hook up so i confronted her about it and she said she only done it cos she knew i would have done something to her emails and nothing would of happened cos she would have stopped it.

she went away on a girls weekend with her friends about 2 months ago and i now think something might of happened when she was away. i just feel like i can not trust her and i want to leave her but carnt.

can anyone help me because i have no idea what to do


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

7 years? 2 kids? Why did you not marry her?


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Get a parental test for your kids, pack up your bags and leave. Or in other letters...gtfo.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Move on


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Don't marry her and move on. Get some confidence. You can do much better. 

Jeez, I'm tired of all the weak men posting on here lately. Every other new poster is a man who's wife/gf/fiance is cheating. Find your balls and show her the door. Hit the gym and find another women 10x hotter to bang. With all of the B.S. we put up with in life, getting laid by a beautiful woman that wants you equally is the best thing there is.


----------



## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

confusedpartner said:


> im stuck and dont know what to do


I'm sorry that you are in this situation. 



> ive been with my fiance for 7 years and have 2 children. before she fell pregnant with out first our relationship was good, sex life was amazing and i was really happy but then after the birth of our first child thats when life took a different turn.


What things happened that caused life to take a different turn?



> our sex life died and we didnt have it for 2 and a half years (including the time she was pregnant) and we were having problems as in we were not connecting. i was fighting for us and trying to get her to get help with her issues as she would not talk to me things where looking up and then we fell pregnant with our second child, when that happened things went back to hell i had from her.


Can you explain the problems and what you would consider not connecting with her? 
You say "went back to hell I had from her" 
Lots of fights, no listening? 



> about 2 years ago one night we had a god all mighty row and i spent the night down my mothers and when i came back the next day i was really thinking about going because i was unhappy so i was trying to remove my phone from the house itunes account and i seen emails of the sexual nature (hugh hefner could have published it) between her and another guy and she promised me that it would never happen again and nothing physical happened.
> After about 6 months i seen i new set of messages between him and her and she said it was just messages and nothing happend besides that and she would not contact him again. so to make sure that i didnt miss anything i set up a auto forward from her email account if she ever got another email from him.
> fast forward to about a week ago the emails started again between the two of them and this time they were looking to hook up so i confronted her about it and she said she only done it cos she knew i would have done something to her emails and nothing would of happened cos she would have stopped it.
> she went away on a girls weekend with her friends about 2 months ago and i now think something might of happened when she was away. i just feel like i can not trust her and i want to leave her but can't.


Do you know how she came into contact with this man? 
Is he a co-worker or did she meet him online? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

confusedpartner said:


> im stuck and dont know what to do
> 
> ive been with my fiance for 7 years and have 2 children. before she fell pregnant with out first our relationship was good, sex life was amazing and i was really happy but then after the birth of our first child thats when life took a different turn.
> 
> ...


She's cheating.

1. Dump her.

2. DNA your kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

confusedpartner said:


> can anyone help me because i have no idea what to do


Only two bad choices:
1. Go through a year of grief by ending the relationship.
2. Stay in the relationship, get married and relegate yourself to festering unhappiness for the next thirty years or until your wife leaves you.


----------



## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

confusedpartner said:


> can anyone help me because i have no idea what to do


You are in an unhappy relationship, no sex, she is lying and cheating. What advice would you give a friend if he came to you with the same story?

Get yourself out of your misery, be a good dad for your kids and move forward while leaving her behind.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

CP,

Since you've had 2 children with her already it is worth saving this relationship, otherwise I would tell you to leave.

She is in an emotional affair and has been for some time, she cannot love you when she is in love with someone else.

Yes the girls weekend is likely a cover story for her meeting up with the OM.

You need to find out who the OM is and expose him to high heaven.

Put a VAR in her car or elsewhere, ultimately you may need to get a polygraph so you know if you have the full story and don't want to still be questioning 10 or 20 years from now.

You made a mistake by telling her you know something is going on, as she will now become more stealthy.

Tamat


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> CP,
> 
> Since you've had 2 children with her already it is worth saving this relationship, otherwise I would tell you to leave.
> 
> ...


Kids are never a reason to stay in a miserable relationship.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> Jeez, I'm tired of all the weak men posting on here lately. Every other new poster is a man who's wife/gf/fiance is cheating. Find your balls and show her the door.


Strong men don't sign up for anonymous internet forums to cry about being cheated on.

They just dump the cheater and replace her. So of course almost everyone who comes here is weak and codependent, at least initially.



confusedpartner said:


> can anyone help me because i have no idea what to do


Here's what you DON'T do.... MARRY HER.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She is a repeat cheater. Time to cut her free. As rzmpf said, get yourself out of this misery and become a better dad for your kids.

I agree with the advice to dna test your kids. And, consult with an atty asap. You aren't married which may or may not be hugely important. You may or may not be on the hook for alimony and child support. You may or may not have a case for a custody agreement on the kids. You need to know what the facts are where you live. If your fiance decides to sue you for child support or alimony, or if she decides to move away with the kids, you need to know now where you stand on those things. If it turns out one or both of the kids are not yours, it may or may not impact custody and child support. See a lawyer right now.


----------



## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Kids are never a reason to stay in a miserable relationship.


Never say never. Sometimes their needs do need to be considered and another reason it might be better to stay is if they're getting close to the age of emancipation and waiting a year or three may do away with the need for an expensive and damaging custody trial plus child support.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> Here's what you DON'T do.... MARRY HER.


Definitely don't marry her! She's doing this repeatedly before you're married, it's just going to keep going on after you're married as well. And it sounds like there's more going on than just her infidelity. Get out now and consult an attorney to arrange a custody agreement.


----------



## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

1. Any if all the Trust you had in her is now gone and it should have been after the first time she did this to you.
2. You can't accept that someone you invested your trust, time and even had children with could do this to you.
3. If she really cared and wanted to rebuild her relationship she would not have gone away on the girls weekend, ie she knows you will still be because even when you get angry you always come back. She know she has that control over you because you have allowed it.

My thoughts:

She does not respect you!!!
She knows you will come back!!!

You need to do the 180 for yourself and get your self respect back. She is not there for YOU!!! Once you realize that YOU can move forward.


----------



## confusedpartner (Oct 26, 2016)

she is acting like nothing has happened. I know for a fact that she lied when she said the last time was only done because she knew I was watching her emails.

She isn't putting any effort to show me that she is willing to change and work on us and I have hit such a low point.

Our evenings when the kids are in bed is her moaning she is tired and on her phone all night she wont even go near me, its the same in bed I try to cuddle her and she throws my arm off her. Our sex life is horrid its only the one position and its only allowed on a Saturday night.

I know I need to leave her but I know for a fact she is going to make my life hell to see the children and that's the only reason that I am staying right now


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let the courts handle that, I mean the custody and seeing your kids. Lawyer up....once she is served and reality is staring her in the face she may suddenly become open.


----------



## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I agree. You should kick her out though. Why should you be inconvenienced?


----------



## confusedpartner (Oct 26, 2016)

tailrider3 said:


> I agree. You should kick her out though. Why should you be inconvenienced?


what do you mean by inconvenienced?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

confusedpartner said:


> I know I need to leave her but I know for a fact she is going to make my life hell to see the children and that's the only reason that I am staying right now


You're using the typical weak excuses BS's use when they're too afraid to DO anything.

If you're in the US, there are LAWS that protect parents in matters of custody and visitation. It's not 1962 anymore; she can't keep the kids hidden in the back bedroom and slam the door in your face every time you come to pick them up. That crap might have flown years ago, it *doesn't* now. So stop using weak excuses not to do anything because you're too afraid.

Secondly, don't do something foolish like get her pregnant yet again. You don't need to add any more kids to this mess.

I think the writing is on the wall and she's clearly disengaged from you in every possible way. If you want to keep clinging to someone who clearly doesn't respect you, it's going to be a very ugly ride.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have a few questions and comments:


Firstly, why do you refer to her as your fiancee ? Are you guys officially engaged as in did you ask her to marry you and she said yes and you gave her a ring ? If not, then she is just your long term girlfriend and baby mother. The only commitment you both currently have is to co-parent. I understand that in a long term relationship you expect to be exclusive and faithful. But this is clearly not the case here and you have nothing to say that it should be.


As others have told you, she has lost interest in you as a partner. Maybe just as a co-parent and maybe provider, but nothing else. The Saturday night missionary sex is payment for just that and maybe a small diversion for her. She is interested in finding other sexual partners - that much should be very clear (and I suspect that you know this). The reasons for this could be many but it boils down to her not feeling committed in this relationship and bored with her current sex life. Since you know this you need to accept it and move on.


I dont understand why you are playing games trying to find out if something happened when she went away etc when she is telling you loud and clear: "I will continue to find someone to fvck and there is not a thing you can say or do that will stop me from doing this. You already know what I am and it seems that whatever line I feed you, you will accept." This must make you seem pathetic to her. Stop being pathetic.


As others have said, the line about not seeing your kids is weak and not dealing with the real issue. You are afraid to lose her because you have become co-dependent on her and do not like change (not many people do). You need to man up and deal with this. Take the right steps (legal) to secure access to your kids and protect your finances and move on. This is tough but has been done many, many times and you will get help from the good folk on this forum.


The upside of this is that you can move on and hopefully find someone who wants to be with you and will provide the kind of love and support you deserve/need.


And for the future, it might be useful to know the truth about (a) what she really did - you might find that she has been fvcking lots of guys that you do not know about; and (b) why she went off you - was it just plain lust, narcissism, lack of morals etc or something else?


This might help you with your next partner.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You don't know what to do? There is only one proper response for a repeat cheater, filing D.
You can get joint custody, which will also help lower child support that you have to pay and enable you to be in your kid's lives.

I also would DNA the kids, especially the 2nd one. Her turning on you during the 2nd pregnancy could be that she subconsciously knew that kid was not yours and developed a protective repulsion to your touch.

I'm curious why you never married her. She was good enough to have kids with but not enough to marry? I guess it's actually to you advantage. 

File immediately and start implementing the 180 so you can detach. Split your finances. Don't leave the house or that could be seen as abandonment. I Also recommend that you read "No More Mr Nice Guy." You are giving off a serious nice guy weakness vibe. Women hate that.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Read Danny4133's thread. 

This is how to handle what you are going through. 

If it is your place kick her out. 

Get the kids DNA tested today!

What else do you need to prove this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

confusedpartner said:


> I know I need to leave her but I know for a fact she is going to make my life hell to see the children and that's the only reason that I am staying right now


Hey, I was where you are not that long ago. It won't be nearly as bad as you fear!

Here's what I think you need to do. First, get a good IC. Your employer should provide "EAP", which is the Employee Assistance Program. It is free and totally confidential. Your employer will never even know you went. This would be one good source of IC, or you can find an independent IC and use your insurance to pay for it. This will give you a real life person to bounce things off of and to give you support and guidance. Second, start gathering real info on your situation where you live. Go talk to an attorney asap. They give free consults of about 15-30 minutes. You can get a good idea how things go where you live. You need to have real info. It will empower you to have real info. And things won't look so scary.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Depending on his location, a DNA will do nothing for him if he is on the birth certificate and to much time has passed. It may give him peace of mind but the courts in some areas still require someone to support the child, therefore he may be on the hook. 

To the OP: I would do the DNA tests on your kids and the check your local laws on paternity if the DNA tests come back negative for you being the father.

To anyone who suggests staying in a relationship just for the children is just wrong. Why should anyone stay in a miserable relationship with a potentially caustic SO just because they have children together? Children should grow up seeing their parents happy in loving relationships, something they can role model in their lives, not the negativity from a poor relationship. 

Again to the OP: Your relationship sucks, do you really want to be with your partner for the long term? Study the local laws & statutes on child custody & support and make a plan for a better live without her. You are not married so the big hurdle with be a solid parenting plan (if DNA proves they are yours), finding another home, and building a new life without your partner. Grieve the relationship and learn from your mistakes.

It will be a long road but you can do it.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

End the relationship. I can tell you're not happy. I can tell you'll have major regrets 5, 10, 15 years down the road if you don't bail now.

You'll see your kids 50% of the time. I divorced earlier this year and it's been great. Seeing your kids 50% is bittersweet. You get 50% of the time to be alone, go on trips with your dream girl/buddies, etc while they are with mom. Then when they are with you the other 50%, you get to spend quality time with them. I actually spend more time with my kids now post divorce. When I have them, I make sure I utilize every minute. Pre divorce, I'd see them for a little bit before and after work.

Unless there is documented abuse (physical, drugs, alcohol), you'll get your kids 50% of the time.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

confusedpartner said:


> she is acting like nothing has happened. I know for a fact that she lied when she said the last time was only done because she knew I was watching her emails.
> 
> She isn't putting any effort to show me that she is willing to change and work on us and I have hit such a low point.
> 
> ...


You are the at the center of town. All the roads to your location have been taken. All the good lanes and storied paths have been covered by worn tires, odorous feet. 

Paul Revere has been through yelling "The Bigfish are coming" [cumming] Their sexual needs have been met by your wife.

Yours have not. And likely, "Never More" Mr. Poe Man.

I am getting to your position by Hot Air balloon. Oscar +++ Zoraster style. 

You are not married to this women. This was a major, Ding, Ding, ERROR on your part. By not marrying this women you pretty much told her she was not "worthy enough" to marry.

You had a circus cannon in the backyard. She had dry, black powder in her purse. She was the cannon ball. She climbed in...and boom...landed spread legged. 

You enabled her....unwittingly, I hope.

Unfortunately, she proved herself unworthy, by her ensuing/continuing behavior. I would hate to say, that this is a "lucky" break for you. Yet, it repugnantly can be so viewed. 

Do not misread [misinterpret] my remarks. She went outside the relationship and had sex with other . Hers is the bigger moral sin.

Do not do this again. Commit 100% to any new woman.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

blueinbr said:


> 7 years? 2 kids? Why did you not marry her?


Amazingly good fortune?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

:iagree:


BetrayedDad said:


> Strong men don't sign up for anonymous internet forums to cry about being cheated on.
> 
> *They just dump the cheater and replace her. So of course almost everyone who comes here is weak and codependent, at least initially*.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Or they are in shock and thus in a state of denial?


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

confusedpartner said:


> she is acting like nothing has happened. I know for a fact that she lied when she said the last time was only done because she knew I was watching her emails.


Cheating and lying go together like peanut butter and jelly. If her lips are moving then she's lying.



confusedpartner said:


> She isn't putting any effort to show me that she is willing to change and work on us and I have hit such a low point.


Listen carefully... SHE IS NOT SORRY SHE CHEATED ON YOU. She's remorseless.



confusedpartner said:


> Our evenings when the kids are in bed is her moaning she is tired and on her phone all night she wont even go near me, its the same in bed I try to cuddle her and she throws my arm off her. Our sex life is horrid its only the one position and its only allowed on a Saturday night.


She's REPULSED by you because A) she has NO respect for you and B) her HEART belongs to the OM. 



confusedpartner said:


> I know I need to leave her but I know for a fact she is going to make my life hell to see the children and that's the only reason that I am staying right now


She legally can't do that. The first time she does, you go to court and file a full custody motion due to denial of visitation rights. Then she can explain to the judge why she should keep her kids. 

Stop inventing weak excuses as to why you need to stay with this vile sociopath. File for joint custody through the court so you have legal recourse. Unless you are a crack head or a criminal you will get it. That's how it works now in 2016.


----------



## confusedpartner (Oct 26, 2016)

Hi all thanks for all your advice I'm starting to make arrangements to move out and get legal advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Be careful! Only move out IF your lawyer tells you to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

