# depression... but



## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I do suffer depression...always have and take meds for it .... BUT

A big part of me wonders how much being stuck in a marriage makes it worse. 

I want out ... and I don't know where to go, what to do, NOTHING


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah, I would say it's a big factor. I have to work hard to stay focused on living my life to it's potential. And not focus on the sucky parts (thus the dread of coming home ugh) but it's possible!!

If you are truly stuck and just absolutely cannot leave, or don't want to right now... make the best of it. That's all you can do. Refuse to let it get you down, refuse to put your happiness on "hold" until things are different.

Or, use it as a motivator. Make a plan. Go see a lawyer. first visit is usually free, and they sometimes can help with referrals to agencies if you need housing, financial aid, etc.

What do you want to do??


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

natwlsn said:


> I do suffer depression...always have and take meds for it .... BUT
> 
> A big part of me wonders how much being stuck in a marriage makes it worse.
> 
> I want out ... and I don't know where to go, what to do, NOTHING


I would think if you are not happy, want out and do not know how, then yes that can play a part in making depression worse. 

Do you have kids? Do you have family or friends home you could go to for awhile? How about a job, do you work, and have any money saved up?


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I have 2 boys, 15 and 10.... and do have family nearby, but no one who is in the position to help us. My parents are horrible to try and live with .... they are the exact reason why two people who are miserable should NOT stay married. 

My younger brother just had a new baby, my sister is getting married in 2 months and my older brother's wife is suffering battling a brain tumor ..... I can not impose on any of them at this time.

I have struggled with wanting to leave for YEARS now .... went to a therapist ..... and get this .... the man drugged me and raped me.... I'm battling law suits with that ....

Right now... I just hate men ... but am too afraid to know what to do on my own .... I don't have a steady job .... I never have ..I've always been home with my kids


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm lost, stuck, scared, and feeling sooooo alone


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

The therapist drugged and raped you?? :scratchhead:

Oh my goodness! The only thing I know to tell you is to get a job, save up some money and go from there.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

yes .... I worked for a summer doing his gardens ... so I was at his home


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

so, therapy is no longer much of an option for me ...I don't want to talk about it


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Is there a single thing which is causing your more unhappiness (or negativity) than any other thing or do you find everything is contributing?


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm married to someone I'm no longer in love with .... he is too controlling .... That is the number one thing. I feel like I'm missing out on a happy life ...EVERY day


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

There is no easy answer, other than you may have to get a job to be able to leave. If you have a child that is 15 they should be able to help out with the one that is younger. If you are battling a law suit, then I assume you have a lawyer? If so, they should also be able to help point you in the right direction, regarding what you could do in your situation.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

natwlsn said:


> so, therapy is no longer much of an option for me ...I don't want to talk about it


I understand your concern about the therapy thing, because of what happened. However, not ALL therapists are like that. I'm sure there are many out there who can help you. You need to be able to talk to someone with the situation you are in.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

Jamison said:


> I understand your concern about the therapy thing, because of what happened. However, not ALL therapists are like that. I'm sure there are many out there who can help you. You need to be able to talk to someone with the situation you are in.


I do know this .... but if you knew everything involved .... there is total mistrust now .... even for just what they say to me. I'll always feel like they only care for themselves and their paycheck. I'll never trust or recommend a therapist to anyone because I know the vile that came from this one's mouth and he is HUGE and widely known in the area.... and then some ....

I don't want to go off on a tangent about this ...i'll become angry..... but no ...therapy will never be an option for me again


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

What do your children think/feel? Do they want out? Would they be willing to relocate or travel with you?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

natwlsn said:


> I do know this .... but if you knew everything involved .... there is total mistrust now .... even for just what they say to me. I'll always feel like they only care for themselves and their paycheck. I'll never trust or recommend a therapist to anyone because I know the vile that came from this one's mouth and he is HUGE and widely known in the area.... and then some ....
> 
> I don't want to go off on a tangent about this ...i'll become angry..... but no ...therapy will never be an option for me again


Then I guess you will have to learn to help yourself. Get a job, save up some money, get out of the house, and learn to deal with depression on your own, etc, etc. The anger you have over the situation itself will likely cause you a great deal of pain the rest of your life, unless you can learn how to deal with the anger. My suggestion, self help books, and meditation may help.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

natwlsn said:


> I'm married to someone I'm no longer in love with .... he is too controlling .... That is the number one thing. I feel like I'm missing out on a happy life ...EVERY day



I'm sorry you feel that way. I really truly am. Know that you CAN be happy, right now, if you choose to. It's a matter of perspective. It can be realising that cirumstances and environment may not be what you want in life, but your happiness does NOT have to be dependent on it!

Yes, if you are clinically depressed, it's very difficult to change your environment. So you remove yourself from that.. so you can focus on your depression. 

Or, you focus on your depression, get to a healthier state of mind where you are able to express yourself \ be assertive, and then you can change your environment to something that is more supportive.

I had an experience in my 20's with a sexual assault. It took me a long time to recover. I won't say "get over it" because you never do. But I did learn how to refuse to let it ruin my life, and I don't hate men. I hate the one that violated me. I volunteered for about 10 years with a crisis center. Helping sex assault victims, just being able to talk to someone that has gone through the same thing. Part of the issue can sometimes just be NOT talking about it. If you have a car accident, you might tell the story 20 times to 20 people. That's a part of recovery. The more you talk about it, the more your feelings are processed. By the time you tell it 20 times, it's not as emotional as the 1st. But with a personal assault, you simply don't talk about it. So it doesn't get processed.

There are many phone lines you can call. There are people who will listen.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

Henri, my younger son is a peace keeper and will be devestated .... my older has mixed feelings .... no kid wants to see their family split .... but my husband is very hard on him ..... just yesterday he was yelling at him, throwing the F word at him ....etc .... there is no peace to keep anymore...all i do is cry. I think right now, my oldest would be very glad to come with me...but in the past, my husband has used them against me .... tells them "Look what mom is doing, ripping apart the family" ...he pulls them into our fights to take his side!!! ...He knows trhey are my weakness and he uses them to make me stay ..... the younger one falls for it and believes that if he fights me, it will make everything better again .... I have no battle to fight..... they are my kids!


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

thank you, deejov ... for the understanding and the compassion ....and for telling me what happened to you. .... 

My husband uses everything against me .... including what happened to me .... I don't know how to leave, because I have no faith in myself to be ok when I do. I'm afraid that being alone will make me crumble .... and I'll be worse than I am now ....


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

I am sorry to hear that they are being used like that. 
Are there any charities which could help house you, a shelter perhaps? Maybe you can find some info online? (until you can get your bearing and money together).

I appreciate your family are busy with their priorities, but it could be worth speaking to them to see if they have friends (perhaps single retired friends who would appreciate some company - you could move in). 

When I suffered from depression I found it gave me a sense of great loneliness, a sense that no one could possibly understand even if I explained my feelings to them. When I started to recover I became aware that there was a lot of support, but the loneliness and negativity was part of the depression. I don't expect I am telling you anything new, but I wanted to share that you are not alone in the ultimate sense.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

thank you .... Henri, my parents love my husband...they think he's wonderful ..... because in front of them, he rubs my shoulders and it's all "baby this and baby that" .... I have an anxiety attack when we fight and he calls them and tells them I just lost it again and that he's doing everything to help me ..... he tells them all sorts of stuff .... so that my depression and anxiety looks like it is the cause of our troubles..... not him .... he has everyone so fooled .... while I have no one listening to me. 
I tried to talk to my dad .... ovewr and over .... and all he says is that my husband is doing the best he can ....blah blah blah ..... they don't TRY to understand me. ...it's easier for them not to. Believe me, being ALONE in this is not just something I feel .... I REALLY am alone in this


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

He did the same thing to our friends .... pulled them into a fight once ..... told them I was crazy ..... etc .... ....
What am I supposed to do??? I sought therapy and got manipulated for crying out loud ...... 

I wish I could just feel strong for one freaking day and pull myself together and have an answer ....... but I don't.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Many choices in life to make. Sometimes the hardest choice is the best choice, it just a matter of taking that first step.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

well, someone please help me find that first step .... because I don't see it


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

It sounds like you are being manipulated and that will certainly justify your feeling of depression and being trapped. I think you should consider a charity for abused wives. Sorry to say that but that sounds like a fast immediate solution to allow you to get your confidence back and address this with more energy and support behind you.

You can then address your family, friends and children when you are feelings stronger.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

natwlsn said:


> well, someone please help me find that first step .... because I don't see it


I would suggest you look for charities who help women who are being abused in your area. Search online, if you need help you could probably phone the operator too and they would put you through to a charity such as the Samaritans for example. 

I suggest being factual about your situation. That way they can either act to help you most effectively or suggest someone who can.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

natwlsn said:


> well, someone please help me find that first step .... because I don't see it


No one can make you take that first step, that will need to come from within. There are people who can help you some,but the initial taking the first step will need to come from you. I will say, as long as you are suffering from depression/anger it will make it more difficult to do. Not saying it can't be done, because it can. 

Just know that that even staying is a choice. I know you feel like there is no way out and no hope right now. Depression probably plays a big part in making you feel this way. Are you on any medication for depression right now? 

You need to show your husband you are strong. He is using your depression as a way to be controlling. He knows you will NOT do anything about it. He knows you will NOT leave. He knows he can talk to his kids any way he wants because he knows you will NOT do anything. That is where he has you! Its time to be stronger, and take back your life.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I started finding a medication because I was having suicidal thoughts .... I tried many, each one not responding well to my body.... finally one worked for me and I've been on it for a while ...it helps a little ..... it helps me realize that my feelings are real and not just something in my mind called depression ..... I'm stuck in a life that I hate and can't control ..... who wouldn't be depressed with that? 
I have thought of looking for a women's shelter before ..... god... that really frightens me .... so much ..... and my pets.....I have pets .... which seems mediocre to some people, but I love them .... I have a cat that I can not part with ... .... but I'm just thinking my worries out loud .... i know there are solutions ....


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't hate men ...not really .... I hate those who treat me badly .... sometimes I just really hate my husband


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Keep posting here, that might be helpful as well. There are people out there who care and can help but you will need to make them aware of your situation. I understand about the pets, we have some of our own! I think there is a way to get out of this. Just tell the proper people and maybe they can help or point you in the right direction. 

Some things to think about. You deserve better and so do your kids. Always try to keep that in mind. Also keep in mind as long as you stay, your kids are being exposed to hurtful, harmful and a damaging environment. I know you do not want your kids to learn this kind of behavior from your husband. IMO, as long as you stay that is what will happen. Keep in mind you and your kids deserve better, there are people who care and will help, and there are brighter days ahead. Just trying to get you to have some hope and faith!


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

The doubting and worrying is a part of the situation, in my opinion. It is like snowball effect, when you have one problem then we start to see more problems until eventually we feel overwhelmed, fed up and unable to even make the simplest of choices.

If you then add manipulation and lying by others, then you are fighting your own thoughts and the personality of another. The way out is to ask for help. I would suggest you call a charity, make a start, it is your human right to ask for help. They will be happy to be able to help. It may not mean anything dramatic or bad for you, your family or your pets (I appreciate their importance). Try not to imagine, but just keep asking for help, it will get easier and someone will be able to offer you solutions that we may not have thought about. 

The local government where I live have a radio announcement which says "if your husband tells you what to wear, that is abuse, report it to the authorities now". 

It struck me as a bit extreme, but my point is I don't think you should doubt and hesitate, you are welcome to help as you are a human being. It seems clear that action will bring solutions and what you need now is actions, support and someone neutral who can listen (no money, no emotions, no preheld views of you).


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm definitely listening ...I'm thinking.... and considering.... and worrying ..... what if he finds me? What if ...what if.... what if..... 

just posted this on another thread.... but you guys are the only ones talking to me.... so here is a little story just from last week...

the other day we were driving and there was a one lane bridge ahead..... a car from the other side was already half way across when he drove up onto it and she had to slam to a stop ..... both he and she unrolled their windows and she told him it was a one lane bridge...he yelled at her to move over, its not that hard...called her an idiot and forced his way through anyway ....

This is what I live with


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Sounds like he is very stressed, aggressive and irritable. I think you both need a break, you certainly need to let charities and people know you would like help. They should have experience in privacy and I think they will put you in control of what happens, when and how... If you later decide it isn't for you then you can tell them that.


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

yes he is aggressive....doesnt hit me .... but ....


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## natwlsn (Jul 14, 2012)

if he finds out I went to a shelter.... he'd be more concerned with how that reflects onto him


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

natwlsn said:


> if he finds out I went to a shelter.... he'd be more concerned with how that reflects onto him


Does he verbally abuse you?

Time to think of yourself. You don't need to go into a shelter, that is just an idea to give you some space. I think if you called someone today you may get some ideas and a sense of relief and control. You do not need to talk to him until YOU make a decision, you are your own person despite being a wife/mother/daughter. You can take control.

I feel I may be being a bit repetitive and insisting more than I should, so I will stop now. I need to disconnect too. 

I wish you well!


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

natwlsn said:


> if he finds out I went to a shelter.... he'd be more concerned with how that reflects onto him


Thats his problem. Its time to take care of you.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

LIke the others are saying, you do not need to make a decision right now or leave right now. 

Just consider making a call. Listening to their options. Go and see them. They are trained in helping you make the next step after that. And it's just one step, then another.


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