# Trust issues



## MamaGoose (Feb 7, 2015)

I have been with my husband since we were 15, we are now 25 and have been married for 3 and a half years. He's always been kind, caring, and genuine with me. 6 years ago he joined the military which caused us to be separated (edit for clarity: still in a relationship just not physically together) for about 2-3 years while i finished college and he started his career in another state. Since then we have gotten married and have been living together ever since. Last year we had a baby and welcomed her with loving and excited arms. All in all everything has been near perfect in our relationship so far... but very recently he revealed to me that throughout our relationship he had been going to strip clubs and getting lap dances... i'm not prude by any means and its more about the fact that he's lied about it to me for so many years.. I find myself questioning a lot about him now, if he can lie for so long about this then what else is there for me to know? I don't know many details or the frequency of his lap dances he says he didn't tell me because he didnt want to hurt my feelings but i'm more hurt than ever now.
Honesty is a big deal for me and he knows that I don't lie and hate people who do (due to circumstances in my childhood). I'm about 5% upset about the lap dances and 95% hurt over the lies. Any advice about how I can trust him and heal this doubt that has entered our relationship?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I may be looking at this the wrong way but my first thought is to be in a long term relationship of 10 years and only 25 years old - he has grown up in this relationship. Indeed he is still young and still maturing. maybe he didn't have the mental fortitude to resist testing the waters to see if he had missed anything by being with only one partner his whole life. Yes it was selfish and immature and he got out of that fog and came to his senses. What was happening in marriage around the time he started this? Were you pregnant? Just had the baby? Did he feel overwhelmed or neglected? Has your sex life dwindled? None of these justify him going behind your back and doing this but he could lack the maturity to handle it any different. 

I think only time will build your trust again. And during this time he must be totally transparent going forward. Is he showing empathy for how much he has hurt you? (I am assuming you have made it very clear how this has affected you. If not you definitely need to let him know ). 

some other side issues are you both need to discuss boundaries for the marriage. Like a lot of us on TAM you probably had no awareness of the need to discuss boundaries before you married. It would imperative to have that discussion now.

Lastly i really hate to bring this up but there is a possibility that he has gone beyond what he has admitted to. The fact that he confessed before he got caught makes me believe he is being totally honest but you should keep that possibility in mind.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Reading this .... it sounds he did these things BEFORE you were married and in that time span of years he was in the military where you were separated for 2-3 yrs... I'm thinking "MY GOD...that's a LONG LONG LONG TIME!!".... long distance relationships are very very difficult, I can understand his temptation here , when other men were going.. not being with his woman and all.. Not trying to justify this at all.. but IF he came forth *on his own.*... please please try to give him a little credit.. Most would hide and lie..till their death, what good could come from telling this -when she will never know anyway -they will tell themselves..... so much more common...

I'm thinking his having a precious little daughter , so happy with his family, he just wanted* to come clean.*. 

Ask yourself ... If he told you those things when he was away.. how would you have reacted? I don't know.. My advice would be .... *please don't beat him up for coming clean.*.. as this will work against his being more transparent with you in the future...and this is the last thing you want to happen... 

THough you have a right to be very disappointed and questioning what else he may have kept from you...it's a very delicate thing.. 

Myself & husband used to go to a strip club, it had "AIR grinding"... meaning the men were not allowed to touch. there was no physical contact.. who knows what goes on over seas of course.. 

I guess we all have our lines drawn in the sand to what we'd see as "betrayal" , crossing sexual lines.... and how we react to it.. I would also be more hurt by secrets KEPT over the actual deed of going to a strip club though... So long as no back rooms were used, physical touching, etc.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MamaGoose said:


> I have been with my husband since we were 15, we are now 25 and have been married for 3 and a half years. He's always been kind, caring, and genuine with me. 6 years ago he joined the military which caused us to be separated (edit for clarity: still in a relationship just not physically together) for about 2-3 years while i finished college and he started his career in another state. Since then we have gotten married and have been living together ever since. Last year we had a baby and welcomed her with loving and excited arms. All in all everything has been near perfect in our relationship so far... but very recently he revealed to me that throughout our relationship he had been going to strip clubs and getting lap dances... i'm not prude by any means and its more about the fact that he's lied about it to me for so many years.. I find myself questioning a lot about him now, if he can lie for so long about this then what else is there for me to know? I don't know many details or the frequency of his lap dances he says he didn't tell me because he didnt want to hurt my feelings but i'm more hurt than ever now.
> Honesty is a big deal for me and he knows that I don't lie and hate people who do (due to circumstances in my childhood). I'm about 5% upset about the lap dances and 95% hurt over the lies. Any advice about how I can trust him and heal this doubt that has entered our relationship?


*Sorry to say, MamaGoose, that deception is the chief reason as well as the common denominator, of why all of us are here at TAM. Because, as it's often unknowing victims of having to deal with all of the resultant lies that seemingly goes hand in hand with it, most of us here to both vent and to offer commentary on the plethora of situations that are brought to this forum.

Sorry that you're here, but you have come the very best place to let some really great people share both their insights and their wisdom with you in trying to offer you solutions to your posted problem!

Right now, I would think that it is paramount for you and your H to have a 'Come to Jesus" meeting as far as ferreting out his rationale in why he wants to spend more time in strip joints receiving lap dances as opposed to going home to a loving, sexy and willing wife, who ardently loves him. As with most problems, acknowledgement and confrontation is the first real step in reaching its solution!

Best of luck to you, my dear! I wish you well!*


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I wonder how your husband would feel if you confessed that you had been spending time at male review shows and paying for men to dance & strip for you?? Sometimes they can see their selfish ways when they can put themselves in your shoes. 

Has he stopped? Do you feel the trust has been betrayed by his untruthfulness? Honesty is so important and when there is a breach of trust it is not easy to regain those good feelings. If he is willing to stop, or has stopped, try on your part to forgive and move fwd but do so with an agreement of future behavior and expectations on your part.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Tell him you're now curious and plan to visit a male strip club and get a good looking guy to dance over your lap. Watch his reaction. In my experience crying about how hurt you are doesn't work, it shifts the power balance. Give him a nice dose of his own medicine.....a little empathy goes a long way. If he can have fun so can you. 

Let me give you a brief example. My hb used to talk incessantly about exes. Details that nobody wants at the most inappropriate times. Several times I'd brought it up and it would stop for a little while and then start again. Finally I lost it and gave him all kinds of details of my exes, including the huge c0ck on my first. Guess what? It's been 4 years and he hasn't uttered a peep about his exes. Empathy......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The military is destructive to relationships. Your husband went through team building with an organization that gets people to put themselves at risk.

In that situation your husband may have felt lost at times. He may have felt that he lost control of himself.

It is certainly a good thing that he has come clean.

Women who work in strip clubs are broken at some level. They are powerful in that they can lead men who are customers without dealing with the emotional trauma or emptiness that got them into the profession.

Ask your husband if he ever wanted to rescue any of these women? Did he feel an emotional pull?

How is your sex life? Do you feel close to him?

Does he have problems with alcohol, porn, nicotine, etc?

Is he more of a leader and healthy person today?

Would he consider IC?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The irony here is that most strippers think very little of men. Look how men conduct themselves there..... they'll use them for the money but secretly they think these men are pathetic. They don't get to see them in real life, only as a pathetic person that has to pay to get women to pay attention. I know someone that used dance and now manages a club, that's what she says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MamaGoose (Feb 7, 2015)

Thanks for all of the advice, I really appreciate the insights that all of you have given me. We are planning on seeing a marital counselor as soon as possible. I told him today that I forgive him, I can never stay upset for long, but I also said that I still feel a deep hurt from his lies. I asked for some more detail and he told me it's been "less than a dozen times" and he was always with a group of friends. 

To answer some questions, our sex life is great and he had a minor issue with alcohol (getting drunk every other day) which I also think was related to the lifestyle he was living in the military. Luckily he seems to have moved past the drinking phase since the birth of our daughter. 

There's been so much good though and i'm really trying not to let this negative experience overwhelm everything good he's done. As for empathy, he needs to work on it. He's not a feelings guy, hopefully we can discuss that in counseling.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You've handled your situation in a very mature manner for such a young woman. Best wishes to you and yours.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I know you're upset but bear in mind the military isn't like any other employer it has a hard drinking and a very macho culture and bored young men away from home will drink hard and sometimes play harder,
on the plus side it would appear he volunteered this information and still chose to dedicate the rest of his life to you and children you would eventually have and if he hasn't visited any of these places since wedding day then that's a good sign of his commitment to you and your feelings


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