# Hello, update



## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Hi all,
I was posting a lot here many months ago, some of you may remember me, maybe not. Uptown was key in offering advice as well as helping me understand what BPD was, and how to find help in dealing with it.

Over spring/summer, the fighting became worse and worse, mostly because I was fraying mentally and losing my ability to tolerate the BPD traits. I bought both the books- stop walking on eggshells and splitting. While they were helpful, they were succeeding only in convincing me to leave her. In a rather bitter argument, I bordered on saying the worst possible thing you can say to a BPD, that they have BPD.. and at the last possible moment, I changed my words and just told her that she needs to see her psych and have her meds adjusted. She of course blew up about it, but later that month, she did exactly that.

To my amazement, her psy changed up her meds a bit and added a new one. And as it turns out, it's the best thing that ever happened to us. She totally leveled out- things that I would have been terrified to approach her about, like last minute changes in plans, or hurdles that popped up in almost any part of life, she took like a "normal" person would.. accepted things for what they are and made the best of things. She's even discovered that sometimes, things can even turn out better when you improvise and sometimes the unexpected can end up being great.

All that being said-
Now I'm the problem, I think.

Through years of anger and frustrations, my fuse got short with her. So short, that one day last week, she displayed a BPD trait over what was simply a miscommunication, and when I did my classic back-up and "fix it" move, she pulled a classic stance of refusing to participate, basically forcing me to be the bad guy, and I hate that. Once I realized she was not going to budge, I blew up, slammed a door so hard I broke it, and fumed for about an hour. I don't even know where that came from, but that's how much I hate the "old her". I calmed down and I guess she was leveled out enough to let the issue go.

So now I wonder- she's getting better and moving past her issues, and now here I am, all PTSD or something .. Can I ever get past the "old" her? I still walk on eggshells, although I'm slowly learning to treat her more like a normal person. Before, it was really bad.. I had to be careful about every word that came out of my mouth, and I hid a lot of "bad news" from her, because the fallout was never worth it. She's definitely mroe tolerable to it now, but I still cringe at times, expecting her former horror to return. I'm also worried about if/when the meds stop being effective, which seems to be a problem with these types of medications.

So yeah, things are much better, no doubt. Still worried though. Still think about running away from time to time, but it's really just day-dreaming.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Kaboom, thanks for returning to give us an update.


Kaboom said:


> Her psy changed up her meds a bit and added a new one. And as it turns out, it's the best thing that ever happened to us. She totally leveled out.


That's wonderful news, Kaboom. As you likely know, BPD itself is a dysfunctional way of thinking that cannot be treated with medication. It usually is accompanied by other disorders, however. 

About 72% of female BPDers have one or two co-occurring PDs which, like BPD, cannot be treated with meds. They may also have NPD or ASPD, for example. On top of those PDs, about 81% of female BPDers also have one or two "clinical disorders" such as PTSD, GAD, bipolar, or ADHD -- all of which can be treated with meds. It is because of these co-occurring clinical disorders that psychs usually prescribe meds to BPDers even though the meds don't make a dent in the BPD itself. See Table 3 at PubMed Central, Table 3: J Clin Psychiatry. 2008 April; 69(4): 533â€“545..

Indeed, if your W's BPD traits disappear almost entirely due to the medication -- for several years -- it is unlikely she ever had a BPD problem to begin with. Yet, if she does have strong BPD traits, a limited success of the medication may indicate that it is successfully treating a co-occurring disorder such as bipolar or GAD.


> Now I'm the problem....Through years of anger and frustrations, my fuse got short with her.... I blew up.... now here I am, all PTSD or something. Can I ever get past the "old" her?


If your W really does have strong BPD traits, it will be impossible to live with her without acquiring some of the symptoms -- temporarily at least. The "Nons" on BPD websites refer to this problem -- of becoming irritable like your spouse -- as "picking up fleas." In my case, I found that as I got older I became less and less tolerant of my exW's childish behavior. Over the 15 years of our marriage, my hormones and body chemistry were changing to that of an older man. This process happens to most older adults, which is why they become less tolerant of taking care of young children when they grow older. They get nervous.


> So yeah, things are much better, no doubt.


Again, it is wonderful news that medication has made such a big improvement in her behavior. I am hopeful -- for you both -- that this success persists. Meanwhile, I wish you both a wonderful holiday and NYE!


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Hey Uptown!

I'm certain she has BPD. I was trying to stay focused on her positives with exception to one incident, but the BPD is definitely still there. You are correct that she has other disorders. She's diagnosed Depression, but I've always felt it was inaccurate, her symptoms are by far closer to GAD and without a doubt she has PTSD- her childhood was horrible on every measurable scale, every type of child abuse that exists, she's been on the receiving end of.

I'm thinking that the other issues compounded and magnified the BPD disorder, which is why the meds have been so helpful.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

And just like that, no more than a day after I post, she's back....

I seriously jinxed myself by even thinking we made any progress whatsoever.

I didn't do the math, but at the same time her meds changed, she also got a job. Her job history is horrible and she never lasts long, but I thought this one was different, but nope, the fired her a few days ago, and while I thought she handled it well and was still her "new self", it seems I was wrong.

The trait I mentioned the other day wasn't just random, it was her old self emerging. Today she is back to full-tilt bullshet again. I lost a job once because of her constantly calling, texting, emailing me.. Every little thing that happened to her/kid/house, had to have me involved, and she was able in her mind to make it my fault. Everything was always my fault. 

I know, I must come off as totally mental right now, ironically so.. But her constant contacting me today over little things, quick to anger, and quicker to blame; well, it brings me back to 9 months ago when I was seriously pondering never going home again. I feel like my world just collapsed, and I know- I can't go back to where we were- I don't have the patience or capacity to go through that again. Sigh.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

You're not mental for hoping things are better. You love her, and want better for her. And for your own life. 

I'm sorry to hear all this, Kaboom. It sounds like you've already reashed the end of your rope. Is there a bight at the end or is it just frayed?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Kaboom said:


> And just like that, no more than a day after I post, she's back....I seriously jinxed myself by even thinking we made any progress whatsoever.


Sorry to hear that, Kaboom, but I'm not surprised. It's extremely difficult to determine if a BPDer is making any real progress, even when they are going to weekly therapy. Like smokers who are always "quitting" every few weeks, a BPDer is always "improving" just as often. It therefore is near impossible to distinguish between a genuine improvement and the upside of another roller coaster ride. Hence, it sounds like this may be a good time to get off the ride entirely.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

I tend to agree Uptown. If it were just BPD, I think we would be able to work out the issues, but so much more comes into play with so many other 'traits' from several other mental illnesses, I fear she's beyond help. She is her own worst enemy, and all I do is work work work to financially keep it together as well as work hard at home to keep peace and keep my daughter shielded from the outbursts. I can't do it alone though, and we have zero support, no family, and the friends are all long gone (she never had any and all mine got out of Dodge.. 

I want to leave, but we're all screwed if I do- my daughter most of all. I'm still in that same boat of having to endure for her sake.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kaboom said:


> Can I ever get past the "old" her?


That's exactly the kind of thing you need MC for.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sorry to hear that kaboom

But as some of us BPD 'vets' know part of the condition is the rise and fall of it's presence. 

The truth I think for us who have lived with a PBD (15yrs for me now separated and aftermath sh!t even now) is that it never goes, it just hides, it fluctuates.

For the non afflicted the co dependant it's just a question of how long you are prepared to be an emotional sponge for them and sadly for nearly all of us there is a time limit on it all 

Not optimistic but good luck nontheless


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

Nothing about this marriage has shown me any remote reason to be optimistic, really.

More issues this week, I'm re-reading 'Splitting' again... Gave up on 'walking on eggshells' book.. Great advice, but I think it's not helpful when the BPD'er is simply too far gone.

I've just lost whatever patience I used to have, and all that's left is bitterness and anger. I don't want to become like her. I used to be a happy go lucky guy, and I know if I can be single again, I'd be that guy again. I can only hope that she does whats best for our child, although I doubt it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can be your child's steady parent, the one to show what people should be like, the one offering ONE safe home, even if the other home is nutso.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Kaboom said:


> Nothing about this marriage has shown me any remote reason to be optimistic, really.


Kaboom, I'm sorry to hear that. My experience is that, when BPD traits are strong, there is little to be optimistic about because MC is a total waste of time until the BPDer has worked hard for several years in IC -- an outcome that is extremely unlikely.


> I'm re-reading 'Splitting' again... Gave up on 'walking on eggshells' book.. Great advice, but I think it's not helpful when the BPD'er is simply too far gone.


That was my experience also, Kaboom. Learning validation techniques doesn't get you very far when the BPD traits are strong because the BPDer cannot trust anything you say -- and she will be frequently projecting bad feelings and thoughts onto you, no matter how validating you try to be.


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