# Divorcing wife but staying in same home until she can support herself financially



## cjohnson22 (May 22, 2017)

Hi - 1st post.

Wife and I have been married for 17 years. 2 amazing kids. 

We've been through a lot of ups and downs, mostly downs. Many of my own making.

Bottom line is, I am over her. I am no longer available to her emotionally or physically. The thought of sex with her makes me uncomfortable. I don't like to be in same space as her.

She is a great mother and has been a good partner. But the love is gone. We fight on occasion, mainly because she senses that i'm checked out. She is demanding more, but I do not have more to give. In our last argument, she indicated that when she finds a job, she is done; suggesting she will want a divorce. She apologized the next day and said she should not bring up divorce every time we argue. However, it was after that argument that I decided, i'm, in fact, done.

My issue is: She is unemployed. She is looking for work and is pretty employable, so I imagine she will find something fairly soon; but could take a few months. 

I clearly am not going to abandon her - but can no longer continue living this lie that we are in a loving relationship. I want to tell her sooner than later so I can stop pretending. If I tell her now, it means continuing to live under the same roof for up to 2-4 months... or more for all I know.

If I attempt to wait, I have to continue to fake it - and she can detect that i'm faking it and is going to demand answers at some point.

so... I guess i'm wondering if anyone has experience with this scenario... how to address it, etc...

If you were in my wifes position, would you want to know now? Or later when you found a job?

Lastly, i'm f'ing scared as hell to confront her as it will be a devastating conversation and the fallout and impact (children, finances, etc...) will be intense. Yes, she did threaten to divorce me in the heat of the moment... but I don't think she'd ever expect me to divorce her.

But - I cannot continue like this.

Thanks in advance for reading and any insight/advice you may provide.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

What's the rush to get out? If you tell her before she finds a job, she may be so distraught that it affects her ability to find a job. And it will likely be better in the settlement if she's employed.

It's not clear what the problem is in your marriage. Sometimes people fall out of love, but sometimes they can get that feeling back. It may be beneficial for you to do marriage counseling. Maybe you'll work out the issues, and if not, it will be a good environment to discuss the issues so the divorce doesn't seem so abrupt.

Is there someone/something that has caught your fancy that has made you want to jump out at this time?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

So... just to be clear.

You have many downs of your own making while you remove yourself even further by no longer being available emotionally or physically as you have rejected all your relationship with what your wife needs to be.

She is struggling knowing what her gut is telling her and in frustration throws out the D-word feeling she has no where else to go in a courageous attempt to shock you into a reality that your marriage will move to if un-repaired, an outcome that your truth shares with yourself, but not her. Unfortunately, she went all or nothing and doesn't realize she was gambling without the benefit of a zero-sum game that you pretty much knew.

That doesn't sound kind to me...

What we fear is often of our own creation, you are your choices... what you are preserving is in your own self-interest at this point.

Haven't you both suffered enough?

Find the courage to be truthful... all else is not in your control.


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## cjohnson22 (May 22, 2017)

Hi - thanks for the replies. 

No, there is no one. I'm just very tired of pretending. I've been doing it for a long time and I feel I've hit my limit. I understand about potentially impacting her ability to find work. This is why i'm here seeking advice. So thx!

We have done marriage counseling. It helps for short term, but we both fall back into patterns... and go back to normal. 

We are in our mid-40s. Time is a wasting... I don't want to lead her on for another 3-5 or more years doing counseling when I know in my heart i'm done and its not fixable.

Thx for advice Buddhist. well said.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Think of the promises that you made to her and your responsibilities to your children who will be devastated if you end the marriage. 
Make a 100% commitment to your marriage and get some good long term marriage counseling. It's not mature to run away when things get tough, especially if you admit you have been the cause of many of the issues. I can't see any good reason for you to end this marriage, she sounds like a good wife and mum. 

Maybe there is more to you wanting to leave than you are telling us?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MLC..Mid Life Crisis.

The itch that cannot be scratched.

It ceases to exist when the clock strikes 55 mph.

And more so when the **** [rooster] crow's no more. No crows and no-grows from that region below the ass-steroid belt.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

I believe that honesty is the best policy, and directness pays higher dividends than indirectness. You should talk with your wife about your feelings sooner rather than later. Perhaps if you had done this years ago, you wouldn't be posting now. But that's neither here nor there...

From your post, it seems you're trying to preempt your wife filing for the divorce by filing yourself. In that, there might be first-mover advantage, but I have to ask... are you acting in a retaliatory fashion? If you've really been so disconnected emotionally and physically from your wife for all of these years, why haven't you already divorced? Why now? Why the hurry?

If you have kids and there's no physical (or substance) abuse, divorce should really be your last resort. Have you gone to couples counseling, independent counseling, sex therapy, anything?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The guy says he's done, why are people trying to guilt him or convince him otherwise? I am sure he is well aware of the fallout of divorce. They have ben married for a long time. Nobody here has walked in his shoes. If he said, "hey, I'm checked out, but what can I do to check back in?" Then sure. Instead, he is asking for advice for the best next step.

I think you need to be honest. It will devastate her, but clearly she already feels a lot of this and if you manage it properly, handle the situation as a stand up person, you both will be fine.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Give it a few months. Perhaps once she finds employment, she will be less demanding. Are you wanting to be alone or feel a need to date other women? Talking with a therapist could help you find what you're looking for.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Please try everything in your power to re kindle the flame before you decide to drop the divorce bomb. Divorce is a horrible thing even in the best of circumstances. Especially with kids in the mix. I am a big believer that mid life crisis is a very powerful influence and makes us all do crazy things. I also believe that if you are unsure of what to do at the moment...........do nothing!......The right answer will come to you in time.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Betrayedone said:


> Please try everything in your power to re kindle the flame before you decide to drop the divorce bomb. Divorce is a horrible thing even in the best of circumstances. Especially with kids in the mix. I am a big believer that mid life crisis is a very powerful influence and makes us all do crazy things. I also believe that if you are unsure of what to do at the moment...........do nothing!......The right answer will come to you in time.


I would agree with this try everything first to see if there is a way to rekindle the old feelings you had for each other, surely you didn't stay together for 17 years without loving her?

Divorce is awful not experienced anything like it, the impact on the entire family, financially, emotionally and mentally it is extremely painful and the process in my instance at least builds animosity and conflict where there wasn't any before so makes it hard to forgive.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Maybe if you could share more of how you got to this point it would help. It sounds like there are more issues than just sex if you have checked out emotionally. Or did you check out because of problems with sex? You speak fondly of her, so it must have been good at some point.

If you do end up divorcing, you have to think of how to soften the blow to the kids. If you do it wrong, there's potential to seriously "F" them up for the rest of their lives. If you have any tweens, especially girls, it can really throw them off the rails. I think you should go through counseling one more time so that both of you can get on the same page and get professional advice on how to break the news if you end up divorcing. 

I have some friends who recently divorced where the H just dropped the bomb one day, and it created massive emotional destruction with his W and kids. I can understand why he divorced, but I'm seriously pissed he couldn't think of a better way to do it that wouldn't have crushed his family so much.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

No maojor problems... infidelity,hidden debt,abuse,addiction.

The grass isn't always greener! 

But if your done who are we to tell you differently.

Good luck


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Would she be happier with you or without you?

When you answer that don't answer that from your eyes, but hers.

Would your children be happier with you or without you?

When you answer that don't answer that from your eyes, but theirs.

Then ask yourself why, and answer honestly.

Do you deliver the storm or the calm to your family?

At least understand why you choose this path... be sure it is the soul you are feeding and not the ego while you look to understand why your love for your wife has become passive.

If she believes in you, why?

Be humble in your answers... their simplicity will surprise you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tell her and start the divorce process. You need to be honest. You need to be honest because she has the right to know where she stands. You are not doing her any favors.

Tell her so she can start living her own life and not trying to save your marriage. What you are doing is actually pretty cruel.

Knowing that the divorce is in progress should actually put a fire under her to find a job. 

A lot of married couples live in the same home during much of their divorce process. Just move out to the master bedroom to another room. Then you will be separated and you call can start adjusting to the idea of not being married any more.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If she's working vs not working, depending on your state it could be a financial issue fr alimony and / or child support...


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## 4mywife (May 9, 2017)

My husband and I are divorcing after 23 years of marriage. He basically checked out of our marriage 10 years ago when I got stage 3 breast cancer but stayed anyway. 

Then last year he started to have an emotional affair with a woman in California and even before he asked me for a divorce asked her to marry him. They never met each other. Only texted and talked on the phone. We tried to reconcile but she was still in the background whispering in his ear. 

Then he finally sat me down and said he didn't love me any more and wanted a divorce.

His mistress dumped him because I guess she didn't want to wait for him to get a divorce as we live in Canada. But we are forced to live in the same house for financial reasons. 

He has destroyed our family. His children hate him and want nothing to do with him. 

If he had just been honest with me 10 years ago we would not be where we are today. Even though I had cancer it would have better for him to leave all those years ago.

Be honest with yourself and your wife. Don't stay together for the sake of the kids. It is hard to live under the same roof with someone who you know does not love you anymore.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Herschel said:


> The guy says he's done, why are people trying to guilt him or convince him otherwise? I am sure he is well aware of the fallout of divorce. They have ben married for a long time. Nobody here has walked in his shoes. If he said, "hey, I'm checked out, but what can I do to check back in?" Then sure. Instead, he is asking for advice for the best next step.
> 
> I think you need to be honest. It will devastate her, but clearly she already feels a lot of this and if you manage it properly, handle the situation as a stand up person, you both will be fine.


I agree. He's done and checked out of the marriage. No amount of counseling is going to change his FEELINGS. Jeez.

OP, it sounds as though it was mostly crap behavior on your part that brought about the death of this marriage. It's time to get honest, *own your *****, and talk to her. That way, she can strive to get a job she's sure is going to support herself and the kids (along with your child support).


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