# Help! Married but can't forget my ex :(



## striving

I know, I'm an idiot. I'll just get that out of the way.

To sum up: Dated HS sweetheart for 4 yrs, that relationship ended and 2 yrs later I married my husband who is a pastor, we've been married 10 yrs, have 3 kids, marriage has been rocky and he's not at all what I had hoped/dreamed/longed for. Marriage has been the greatest disappoinment. 

Besides that, I have a serious problem and it seems that no matter how much I pray and beg God and memorize verses, it eats up my brain and won't go away. I have such a hard time stopping almost constant thoughts of my former boyfriend. Nobody knows about this; it's too embarrassing to admit even to my closest friends. I have found out that this boyfriend has turned into an amazing man, has traveled the world, and seems to have a great marriage with a baby on the way. And like a dork, all I can do is obsess on the "what if". I long to be happy in marriage, to be in love with my husband, etc. But my husband won't even pray with me. He is often rude and unkind, and so far from wise. He ignores the kids. And every Sunday I have to sit and listen to him preach.

Sadly the relationship with the HS boyfriend (went thru college years too) was physically intimate. He was a great guy with a great family. (I have virtually no relationship with my husband's family, they live overseas and the family relationship is way different than your typical American, Christian family.) I truly did love him and did not leave him because I did not love him anymore...it was b/c I knew we needed to stop the intimacy and also b/c I knew I felt God leading me to serve overseas.

So to make a long story short (too late!), I'm just throwing this out there to hope for some helpful advice. I need a labotomy. I really wish for that part of my brain to be cut out so that I could quit longing for this guy. Again, I feel like I've tried everything. What does the rest of the world do to get over a past relationship?!

Thanks for the help.

P.S. Oh yeah, forgot to mention...my ex's wife is mutual friends with so many of my friends on FB as they now go to the church where I was married, so I see her comment on my friends' posts and it's so frustrating! I feel I can't comment after her, since she probably hates my guts for breaking her husband's heart and giving him a history. Does not help matters any.


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## Blanca

when i was going through rocky times with my H i would fantasize how great my life was before i met him. i would tell myself i had so much fun and had all these great, wonderful boyfriends that were practically head-over-heels for me. It was a world of half truths. i had a lot of boyfriends. and they did want to marry me- because i wouldnt sleep with them. but it was far from perfect as was my relationship with any of them. i fantasized about this one guy in particular because sexually we had a very strong connection, and at the moment my sex life was suffering. i conjured up all kinds of 'what ifs' and 'if only'. 

I guess its easier to fix something that's not real. Life can be so perfect in your head, with someone else because you can make them whatever you want. but i confronted the reality and brought myself back to who i was and the life i was creating for myself. 

There's probably some truth to your story about your BF being a great guy, and that you really loved him. but obviously there's a lot you're not mentioning because you left him. It couldnt have been that great if you could walk away. And now you hear tid-bits about his life and from that you've created an entire perfect world with you in it. Think about it. what do you really know of his life? Look around you. How well does this perfect happy world you've created mesh with every other single relationship you've ever heard of?

Your relationship with your BF wasnt that great, because you left. That's the reality. And your relationship with your H isnt that great either. welcome to life. You can perpetuate your fantasy and give yourself a pseduo stance for demonizing your H, but what are you really comparing him to? Just a delusion. Your marriage sucks. its fine to confront that, but dont do it with something thats not even real.


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## greenpearl

There is not much advice I can give. 

I don't miss any of my ex at all, they are all garbage if I do compare them with my husband. 

I don't know if it is in the Christianity teaching. Spending too much time thinking about our past is not good for us. It only exhausts our energy. We can learn lessons from what happened in the past, but dwelling on the past is not healthy. Life is short, we don't have time to waste, especially on something which we know for sure it won't happen.


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## striving

@Blanca, thanks for your input...of course you're right. What I'm doing is fantasizing and longing for that relationship since my current one is a failure. Just to clarify, though, the relationship w/ the ex was great...we had been through a lot, and we were strong...I didnt simply "walk away"...I tore myself away with a broken heart and cried many tears...at the time I believed I had to do it, no matter how much it hurt. 

At any rate, I need to figure out how to force my dumb brain to quit going back to thinking of him...it happens in nanoseconds...I dont WANT to think of him, I want to love my husband and have a better marriage. And I would find great comfort in meeting others who have the same struggles.

Thanks again.


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## SimplyAmorous

striving said:


> ..it was b/c I knew we needed to stop the intimacy and also b/c I knew I felt God leading me to serve overseas.


I think the 1st tragedy in this is >>> you were a young woman who found herself passionately in love , but you allowed shame 
& your religious convictions, to take a higher place in your life - above remaining with the man your heart resided with.  I can ONLY IMAGINE your pain & regret here. :banghead:

I sometimes wonder how I would feel if I let my boyfriend /now husband go (I gave his ring back at one time) -IF he married another- I would feel as your story describes. Just thinking about it alone -could bring me to tears. 

I am sorry for this tremendous loss in your life. Looking back, do you feel God truly wanted you to take that mission trip? 
What was it that compelled you so strongly to RIP your heart into peices- and his?

If you have some kind of peace/revelation/story that touched others lives, some evidence you DID the right thing, this will help you get past this -to think on these things. Not all was lost. 

Don't know if this will help or not but -- I used to believe hearilty in the "*Soul mate*" theory (as I feel my husband is my soulmate)-- that God designs a certain special someone for each one of us & if we live relatively decent, they will eventually come into our life, our destinys will meet. 

I no longer believe this.

A late night program I caught, a christian program in fact, can't remember the name of the show, it was about marraige, a very very wise Black man was talking. My mind has forever been changed on the "soulmate" theory ...

He explained in GREAT detail how it often hurts /wounds / even destroys many many many in life because people , when things are down & difficult in their own marraiges, will then feel like >>they either LOST their soul mate (as you probably feel & can not get past) ---or they haven't found that special someone God has waiting for them, that they made a tremendous MISTAKE marrying who they are with NOW .

This belief often leads to 2 things : Depression , the "What If's" over lost loves OR they feel they must get out of their troubled marraiges & go SEEK this soul mate that has eluded them in life, believing such a person accually exits. 

He talked at length how their is NO soul mates, we can work within our marraiges, if your partner loves & is willing enough, to create that marraige we dream of. I know easier said than done, but just something to consider. One mistake may have led to other things in your life that was so NOT mistakes (your mission trip), look back over your life, reminesce the Great times with your now husband. Commit to "loving the one you are with", like that old song goes.


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## striving

Thanks for the responses. Helps to talk about it.

What I'm going through is a battle of the mind. Trying as hard as I can to NOT think about that guy and his new family, trying to "be happy" in the life I have.

I read something really great lately..."the grass ISN'T greener on the other side, the grass is greener where it's watered." True, true. I don't agree with the soul mates theory either. My pastor once said, "once you say 'I do' then THAT'S the person that you were supposed to marry"...in other words, you're committed to it, so now make it work. It's just hard. It would help if my husband were nice to me, etc. I yell at myself to shut up every time I compare him to the other guy...

One thing I did was tape a photo of my husband to my computer monitor as a constant reminder of who I am committed to, for better or worse. I've just been racking my brain of ways to close the door on the memories of that relationship. I'm not sure how to control my thoughts (happens so fast, like unexpected lightening). I wish I could cut that part of the past out of my head completely. 

Am currently memorizing the first part of 1 Peter 3 so that every time a thought pops in my head, I start reciting it, to remind me of what kind of wife I should be.

It's hard.

I'm glad for this forum. I appreciate your time to respond.


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## cb45

Forgive me for saying so...

but how HONEST have u two been with each other when discussing/arguing over yer rel'shp?

that is to say, have u kindly and heatedly told him how hypocritical he is to pastor a church, but not pastor (lead)
his marriage? have u been as brutally honest with yerself
as well?

i assume u have been so with each other, but i wonder also
about counseling if communication is that poor btwn u two.

i think there may be many a hurt or animosities built up btwn
u 2, unmentioned by u here on TAM. i do believe if u can
regain that communication, respect, kindness, once more
for each other via counseling, yer fantasies will be past.

let us know.

shalom.


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## striving

I hope I would never call my husband a hypocrite, no matter what my thoughts are on the subject. I believe, and obviously I have failed many times, that my words to him should build up and encourage, not tear down. Of course there is plenty of work I need to do on myself...one reason I came to this site. I need to be the kind of wife that my ideal husband would deserve.

Yeah, communication is awful. Probably like a lot of marriages, unfortunately. It's on the long list of things we should work on.

I wish we could go to counseling. We can't afford it. Also my husband probably wouldn't agree to go.

I agree, though, the better our marriage, the easier and quicker the memory/fantasy will fade. Wish it weren't so one-sided (the efforts), but "join the club", right?


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## cb45

You wrote us alot of guilt/fantasy fluff re: yer exBF for historical purposes.
when we eliminate it, we get THIS "meat" to work with:



striving said:


> all I can do is obsess on the "what if".*(<---YES! for/to THIS!--->)* I long to be happy in marriage, to be in love with my husband, *(i.e. this is where yer "what ifs" should be, u digg?)*etc. But my husband won't even pray with me. He is often rude and unkind, and so far from wise. He ignores the kids. And every Sunday I have to sit and listen to him preach.*(this is the epitome of hypocracy, and why i said so. we are unfortunately all guilty of some form from
> time to time. but recognition/fessin up bout it say alot/alittle about me/u/him, no? U wanna defend him? thats good or bad
> depending on what the psychiatriast/counselor finds goin' on
> deep down w/ u as two and as individuals. can't afford one?
> NO Problem. The Holy Spirit[H>S>] is worlds first & foremost "counselor" and only "charges" truth, effort, and Grace to render healing. It is both an easy n hard process depending on yer cooperation. *
> (AND...)
> I could quit longing for this guy. Again, I feel like I've tried everything. What does the rest of the world do to get over a past relationship?!*(are u really that desperate as a pastors
> wife to call on what the world does??? And why do u not mention the H>S> at all? Have u nothing but "milk" or has it/that "gone sour?" YOUR problem is that YOU are already
> DOING as the world does, with yer focus on exBF, and not
> yer H, and not creating communication bridges for yer marriage
> to drastically improve if not become all you've longed for. no?
> i understand some of yer frustration(s), don't get me wrong there, but i know yer answer lies both w/in u, and outside u, as in your SOURCE of POWER, and not in that order either. If you dont like what i say/write, take it up with our mutual "EMPLOYER," via the H>S>.)*


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## Clarence Rutherford

Striving,
I know what you feel.
I've been having similar memories to a NEAR-fiance I had 22 years ago!!!!

About a month ago, flashbacks and memories almost wrecked my work week as it was so easy to get tearful...

Don't know what's wrong with me, but I started thinking of her and recalled all the pain I felt when she dumped me. I cried my head off. 
Look at what I lost -- I could have had a 30 y.o. virgin.

For the last couple of years, she and other former GFs have come into my mind, wondering why I didn't do this, or did that, or how I could have made things better and still been with one of them. Then the cold hard reality hits: _it wasn't ever my choice to end it_.

Maybe I'm going through this bec. I'm getting close to 50 and am feeling a lot of regrets.

It may have something to do with the state of my 14 year marriage. We are not maritally separated or talking divorce, but we have lived in separate states since July. 

We have also been sexless - her choice - for the past 5-6 years, but that's improving. 
That's a long story and may post about it in another thread here.

I've gotten over this and realize that "going back" in my mind to this woman (and only remembering the good things) won't do me any good and I shouldn't waste crying over something that happened in 1988!!! I should instead save my tears for my marriage and work to improve it.

Plus, I don't know that woman anymore. It's all a dream. This whole thing is about me and my emotions, not her. 

You don't know your EX anymore either. 
So I know where you're coming from.


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## Halien

I know that as a guy, my situation might not be as helpful, but I'll try. Before my college years, I had a really tough life. I wasn't necessarily a bad person, but I just wanted to get away. In my senior year of high school, I became very close to a girl who felt like my soulmate. She always believed in me, and was never ashamed that the police in our town seemed to know me on a first name basis. And she was never embarrassed when I showed up to school with bruises from my step-dad's biker friends.

About every other year before I married, I would come home, and it was like we never were apart. She even kept a scrapbook when our little local paper ran an article about scholarships or awards. She would always take my hand and tell me about how happy we were going to be together.

Problem was, I just needed to forget. Won't go into details, but just had a lot to put past me. I don't think I really pined over her, but I did think about her all the time. It helped to make me want to be a better person. Who knows, we might meet again, and I'd wouldn't want to dissapoint her.

Three months ago, I got a card from her. Twenty five years have passed. It had a clipping where I was standing in the background while the new president (Pres. O) was visiting my company. Somewhere in there, she said "I knew you would make it". No, I'm not wealthy, but I do make about five times the average salary of the people from the town where I grew up. She had heard that I visited the area for business, and wanted to see if we could have dinner. I'm smart enough to say no.

My long, convoluted point is to try to trust God, and be the best person you can be. I'm enough of a hopeless romantic to believe that he will eventually give you the contentment you wish for, one way or another, but for now, you have to focus on just taking the next step before you. Try to be the woman that would make any man swoon, not just the former boyfriend. In a sense, your husband is not fufilling the marriage covenant you made. Stay determined until it is resolved. Be the best you can be.


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## striving

Seriously bluesky, check the category of this forum. Feel free to go help out other athiests who can relate to you. I chose this forum for a reason.

I seriously appreciate your comments Clarence. I've wondered if I was the only one out there with these kinds of problems with my thoughts. It's comforting to know I'm not alone. My brain tells me all these things that I know to be true...such as, I don't know that guy anymore, I chose my husband, I want to love my husband, that guy has a happy life with his own family, I've got great kids and a stable home, etc, etc. And then I go to bed at night and while I'm sleeping I dream of the ex...recently I dreamed that I went back in time and pleaded with him not to let me leave him, and another time I dreamed that he begged me to tell him I still love him. It's insane. And I wake up so angry with myself for having those dreams and frustrated that I dreamt it. It's like I need a labotomy or something! Sheesh! I need that part carved out of the memory in my brain for crying out loud. And during the day so many stinkin' times a fleeting thought of the ex will come out of no where, and I mentally slap myself in the face and say "stop it!". I truly want this to go away. I don't want to think of that relationship or that guy! I want it gone! 

Halien, why didnt' you go to dinner with the woman you knew from the past? I was trying to catch what you meant...are you married now?

I do want to work on being a better wife. I started doing the Love Dare for my husband. 

I'm just so frustrated that this annoying thing still sits in my brain almost 13 years after we broke up. I feel like I can't control it - especially the part where I dream about it at night. I'm so done with this but it won't go away!

Thanks for the input guys. I appreciate it. It's nice just to have someone to talk to, especially since I can't mention it to anyone I know.


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## Blanca

i dont think you should be angry at yourself for wanting love. You simply miss feeling loved. that's ok. i think you should comfort yourself. The more you try to push it away the stronger it will come back. its a basic need and you have to meet it some how.

i still dream about other guys. i dont think its bad i just think there's a need of mine that is not being met. sometimes i really miss old friends of mine, dating, and i wish i could go back to my old life. I'm currently listening to Eckhart Tolle's audio book The Power of Now. I dont agree with everything he says but it is really helping me deal with my persistent obsession with living in the past. I guess i feel so powerless to change my current situation and i think if only i could recreate my past i would be happy again. but after trying that theory for a few years and nothing changing, except my ever increasing anger, i guess its time to try a new approach - Focusing on Now.


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## Clarence Rutherford

*the memories come too strong sometimes...*



Blanca said:


> i still dream about other guys. i dont think its bad i just think there's a need of mine that is not being met.
> 
> sometimes i really miss old friends of mine, dating, and i wish i could go back to my old life.
> 
> I'm currently listening to Eckhart Tolle's audio book The Power of Now. I dont agree with everything he says but it is really helping me deal with my persistent obsession with living in the past.
> 
> I guess i feel so powerless to change my current situation and i think *if only i could recreate my past i would be happy again. *but after trying that theory for a few years and nothing changing, except my ever increasing anger, i guess its time to try a new approach - Focusing on Now.


I see myself in your post, Blanca.

I love my wife and all, but as I've posted,
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...y-do-you-make-out-your-spouse.html#post255077 
I'm not getting nearly enough sexual intimacy and it kills me. Once a week or even once a month seems like too much for her.

These thoughts of past GFs started flooding my mind over the past 5 years or so, and seems to be connected to the lack of sexual expression in my marriage.

I know I can't go back and all of the former GFs dumped me, so that world is closed.

Odd how my mind wanders back to them when in reality, my mid-late 20s after college when I was single, alone and lonely was a time of heartbreak and rejection and is a time in my life I'd just as soon forget....

You know, I actually thought God had forgotten about me. I did all the right things, treated women well, didn't press them for sex, and even turned down some "offers" I got in my late 20s bec. I found casual sex leaves you empty and worse than before.

For background, I only had sex in HS (3X) before I became a Christian and all of 2 encounters during my 20s, so I was pretty sexually responsible, I'd think, and was more interested in finding a relationship than satisfying my desires, which I guess many others did at that time. I now realize I didn't pick up on the signals one woman I dated sent out and could have had her... but I wasn't in love with her and didn't have real feelings towards her... I couldn't see ML with someone I didn't love...

I picked my wife bec. she loved me and I loved her (we met 3 mos. after I turned 30) and she was the only one (so it seemed) who let me ML with her, important to a guy approaching 30 without any real relationship outside of a NEAR-fiance he had at 26.... We didn't start ML until 3 mos. into our relationship.... 

Thankfully, I'm not going back to the past as much. Searches online reveal little about most my EXs anyway, so it's a big waste of time.

Not sure if any of this helps but I sure know how you feel. Like you, I prob. should focus on the present.


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## MsLonely

Hi Striving,

I think you're doing well and you should feel proud of yourself.

I assured you that only few people would ask for help, especially from God, when they face exciting temptation. They wouldn't value so many things in life or consider so much as you do, because what you do is too hard to endure and to make things easier, people will just go for it. EA or PA, grasp first, eat first, enjoy first, and think about it later.

You are a great daughter of God, He wanted you to know He is always there hearing your pain and your marriage has been blessed.

Give Father some time, probably some years, you won't see any hope in removing this amazing guy from your memories, but will see an amazing grace after this curse of your marriage is dissolved.

He has done an amazing work in my marriage. It took a total 8 years before my husband and I recieved the blessings.

That means I have been going through lots of emotional roller coaster including an EA like yours.

I kept praying to God. I complained, I whined, I cried but I always have faith in Him.

My husband sucked, really sucked... He had no moral value about relationship. 

My husband is a different man now and he's the best husband that God has prepared for me.

As for the OM, it's the hardest part. He won't go away from your life. He's your love as well. Dreaming about him gives you joyful and loving feelings, those are the happiness that your husband failed to give.

Loving your ex from far with respect to his marriage and his wife, as long as you don't hurt any innocent parties, your husband, and his wife, there's nothing to worry about.

Meanwhile, keep working on your marriage. Keep communicating, your husband needs to understand he can't rely on other man to give emotional food and fantacies to his wife. 

He must husband up, working 10 times harder to be your best husband who can satisfy you the most.

Keep turning to him, keep bothering him and keep whining to him for more loving attention - because he is your husband and you should.

Don't give up!


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## MsLonely

Just a little thought for Clarence.

Maybe you need to be more aggressive when it's time to have sex.

Change foreplay, change positions, change dialogue, change your pick-up lines, (role play, pretending she's a sexy girl you have just met), add some spice, add some games, when you initiate sex, do not follow old boring routine. 

Women do like gentleman but sometimes when it's time to have sex, they love to be screwed like an animal as well. 

Sometimes, when women say NO, means Yes. You have to read between the lines.


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## striving

Mslonely - can you explain your abbreviations? I dont know what EA and PA and OM stand for. Thank you for your input. I'm really glad your marriage is better...sounds like you've been through so much.

For sure needs aren't being met in my marriage and when it boils down to it, part of it is probably the typical loss of feeling "in love" that you feel before you are married. The ex was a real romantic and very creative, and my husband is not at all. So I miss that and wish that he would pay attention to me like that. I'm not ignorant, either, and I realize that these are things that both spouses have to work hard for once married. 

Unfortunately my ex's wife is mutual friends with tons of my friends on Facebook. They live in the town where I went to high school and where I dated that guy. It's very wierd that he and his wife are now friends with so many of my friends. We've known those friends since high school, since I was dating my ex. So many times his wife comments on my friend's updates, so it's like I'm bombarded by thoughts of her together with him and the life they have together. Sadly I've wasted time and have found out that they have been to several different countries together and done things that I always wanted to do. I found myself anguished thinking "that should be me!" It's really dumb. I hate myself for having those thoughts, and I resolve to not waste any more of my time on the internet to ever look at anything to do with them again. But the anguish still remains.

Thanks for saying Clarence (I think it was?) that everyone will always have a special place in their heart for their first love. This guy was my first love and we were together for four long years. And like I said before, I didnt' end the relationship because I didn't love him anymore. I don't think he believed that but I wish he knew it was true.

At some point I told myself it was ok to have a lingering love for a person I used to know. I suppose it's ok so long as it doesn't damage my marriage. And how can I have any love for a person in my past without it damaging my marriage? I'd rather be able to totally black it out of my memory to be able to only ever dream of and think of my husband.

I will do what I can to be a better wife - very hard when my husband isn't the kind of man I hoped he was. I just hope that someday when I remember my ex I won't have any emotion tied to that memory. It seems impossible, b/c it's already been 12 years for goodness' sakes. If I knew how, I would make myself stop feeling something.


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## MsLonely

It's alright to remember something beautiful in your life. 

Momories are harmless unless you let them haunt and anguish you.

Every man has a romantic side, love can be expressed in his very own romantic way which some women might feel it a total dumb boredom when some women will be greatly touched.

Some men were more pratical & rational, they show their romantic side by working hard and bringing home the bacon. You can't say they're bad husbands, but they are just not that romantic in a way we talk about.

Sit down and talk to your husband, understand what he thinks about being romantic, because you might be shocked that he lacks of the ideas how to maintain the romance, chemistry, and passion for you.

Believe him, your husband can be romantic from now on, but he just needs a little instruction from you. 

I know instruction doesn't sound so romantic but as soon he gets the idea, he knows how to develop it in a even more creative way.

For example, my husband, his being romantic was to cook a super meal for me.

That's his old way of showing himself romantic to his wife, me.

To have food in my stomach feels good but what I exactly needed was to have butterflies in my stomach. 

Therefore, when we started to work on the marriage, I gave him the idea of dating me as if we have just met. ( Just a little instruction of how I like to feel loved and romantic)

Now he dates me once a week, and he's quite enjoying it as well. He then came out many creative ideas when he asked me out for a date. He really treated me as if I'm a wonderful girl that he's very eager to date with.

Now he cooks less for me, only when I request but I'm happier to this kind of dating romance. After all, after he cooked, I had to do all the dirty dishes, you know, when I looked at these dirty dishes, and the big mess in the kitchen, I couldn't feel any butterflies or chemistry in my stomach already, no matter how delicious the food he had prepared for me. It's funny that in order to make me enjoy his cooking without worrying about doing the dishes, he then hired a maid to do all the house work for me. He doesn't want me to worry about any housework, so I can stay with him to enjoy some DVD films in front of the TV together, LOL, for him, that's his side of being a romantic husband.

I'm grateful to have a live-in domestic help at home!! That's also part of his being romantic, but it has nothing to do with chemistry or the heart beating fast. Nevertheless such romantic support is very pratical and I don't think any wife would refuse. 

Although those aren't exactly the romantic feelings that I need, they're acceptable, too!! Together with the dating activities, I'm very satisfied and happy with my husband now. 

So, I don't really care about the OM already. He's still in my memories, but he isn't that attractive already.

Trust your man can learn and adapt himself to a way to make you happy, but you have to tell him what EXACTLY you would love him to do.

As for the short-forms, PA: Physical affair. EA: Emotional affair. The OM, the other man. (your EX)


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## Clarence Rutherford

MsLonely said:


> That means I have been going through lots of emotional roller coaster *including an EA like yours*.
> ....
> As for the OM, it's the hardest part. He won't go away from your life. He's your love as well. Dreaming about him gives you joyful and loving feelings, those are the happiness that your husband failed to give.


Respectfully, I don't think Striving is involved in an EA. Neither am I..


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## Jellybeans

You guys hit the nail on the head:



Blanca said:


> It was a world of half truths. i had a lot of boyfriends.
> 
> *I guess its easier to fix something that's not real. Life can be so perfect in your head, with someone else because you can make them whatever you want. *but i confronted the reality and brought myself back to who i was and the life i was creating for myself.
> 
> There's probably some truth to your story about your BF being a great guy, and that you really loved him. but obviously there's a lot you're not mentioning because you left him. *It couldnt have been that great if you could walk away. *
> 
> Your relationship with your BF wasnt that great, because you left. That's the reality. And your relationship with your H isnt that great either. welcome to life. *You can perpetuate your fantasy and give yourself a pseduo stance for demonizing your H, but what are you really comparing him to? Just a delusion.* Your marriage sucks. *its fine to confront that, but dont do it with something thats not even real*.


Wow. So eloquent and perfectly stated.



mommy22 said:


> *Your mind is living in a season, a fantasy.* You've created this ideal in your mind which surely wouldn't be the case even if everything worked out perfectly to allow for this relationship.
> 
> It's a shame to live your life in fantasy when there's a life waiting to be lived in reality.


So very true.

I also do not believe in "soulmates." I think people think soulmates are the "puppy dog feeling" at the beginning of a relationship when it's just not so. Over time, in every relationship, those feelings subside some and love matures into something else.


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## striving

So I Googled my struggle and was so amazed to find SO MANY other people out there with my same struggle! Wow. Somehow the past few days have felt lighter and less burdened, just to know I'm not alone. There are so many who say that no one ever forgets their first love. And sadly, many more who are going back and forth between that guy and their spouse. I wouldnt' do that. I WANT my marriage to be that fantasy, I want to love my husband like that. 

I"m just so glad to have read out there so many other cases where people can't forget the first guy they really loved.


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## LGSL

Blanca's responses are really powerful here.


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## MGirl

Blanca said:


> It was a world of half truths...i conjured up all kinds of 'what ifs' and 'if only'.
> 
> I guess its easier to fix something that's not real. Life can be so perfect in your head, with someone else because you can make them whatever you want. but i confronted the reality and brought myself back to who i was and the life i was creating for myself.


:smthumbup:

I am seriously printing this out and putting in on an index card in my purse. Good stuff, and it can apply to so many more things than who you chose to marry. For me, it applies to all the decisions I've made that I wish I could go back and change so often.

"Life can be so perfect in your head..." I love this, because it's just that--in my head. It's not real. And real life is never perfect.


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## SaffronPower

My first Love was so romantic. Did all the things girls love. Flowers, notes, calls, special plans, surprises, personable (my family loved him), interesting and attentive. He turned out to be a lying untrustworthy cheater as well. Oh he loved women. ALL women. *laughs then sighs*

I'm glad you've found out that you are not alone in your struggle. That can help. 

Can you use that imagination/fantasy brain of yours and remember and try to recapture some of that love you had with your husband in the begining? 

I say "fake it till you make it". Pretend your husband is the coolest bestest ever and use positve reinforcement for anything he does that even slightly makes you feel love and adored. 

Marriages have ups and downs. When yours is back in an "up" I bet this fantasy of the great ex boyfriend will fade in time.

Oh and the FB thing blows. Who thought of that anyway? My childhood bully "friended" me on FB. Life in a small town....*laughs*


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## striving

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Since you did have a good relationship with the ex, is there any way you could explain to him (and to his wife) by letter what is going on and ask for help in a counseling venue? It needs to be resolved.
> 
> Yeah...no. No way would I contact him now. It ended so ugly with many anguished tears from both of us and him spontaneously asking me to marry him in a moment of grief and desperation. Then a few years later I sent him a letter - sort of a hey, how are you kind of letter, and he sent it back unopened, with a type written note (no handwriting) and addressed to me as Mrs. (and my last name) and basically said I never cared what you had to say in the past, i do not care what you want to say now, and i do not want to ever hear from you again. So. And then he tacked on a "i wish only happiness for you" sort of thing on the end to make up for the anger and bitterness and rudeness of the rest of it. Hurt like heck of course. But I know our break up must've hurt him much more, and I was always genuinely sad for that and grieved for a long time as well.
> 
> But anyhoo, no, not going to try to contact him again of course. That letter was sent maybe 5-6 years ago. We broke up in '98.


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## striving

SaffronPower said:


> My first Love was so romantic. Did all the things girls love. Flowers, notes, calls, special plans, surprises, personable (my family loved him), interesting and attentive. He turned out to be a lying untrustworthy cheater as well. Oh he loved women. ALL women. *laughs then sighs*
> 
> I'm glad you've found out that you are not alone in your struggle. That can help.
> 
> Can you use that imagination/fantasy brain of yours and remember and try to recapture some of that love you had with your husband in the begining?
> 
> I say "fake it till you make it". Pretend your husband is the coolest bestest ever and use positve reinforcement for anything he does that even slightly makes you feel love and adored.
> 
> Marriages have ups and downs. When yours is back in an "up" I bet this fantasy of the great ex boyfriend will fade in time.
> 
> Oh and the FB thing blows. Who thought of that anyway? My childhood bully "friended" me on FB. Life in a small town....*laughs*


Saffron - SO SORRY for your first love turning out to be a cheater!! And the childhood bully finding you on FB - maybe they were trying to resolve that and be a better person? Who knows. 

Yeah, it's AWFUL that she's mutual friends w/ so many on FB, b/c I see "him" on her profile picture and each time it gives me some sort of gut wrenching emotional reaction. I wish the emotion would go away! So what if I see a picture of him with his wife and baby? Who cares, right?! Good grief, why do I have to feel anything?!!

I don't know how to fake that my husband is a romantic, thoughtful guy like the first love guy was. Pretty hard! But I get what you mean. And very true, when my husband and I are on good terms I usually don't dream about the ex at night and don't think about him as much. There's tons of work to be done in our marriage and of course it's my greatest hope that the memory and especially feelings about the ex totally go away.


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## striving

This is so hard. The husband and I haven't been speaking for the past 3 days - not really, anyways. Once again I so want to pick up the kids and LEAVE.

The other day I was making a meal for a girl in the hospital and her family, and was about to go run complicated and involved errands for her, with my kids in tow. I was making some phone calls, trying to find someone to stay the night with this girl at the hospital, and my husband, laying on the couch, says "why dont you go spend the night at the hospital? i'll come home early from work at midnight, you can go there from midnight until morning". Made me so angry and so hurt! I had just told him earlier that I haven't slept well since my kids and I are all battling bad colds, and that the next day I'd be working again after I drop the kids off at school. I told him I couldn't believe he would suggest that, did he not see how sick and busy I am, and how I'm already bending over backwards to help this family?!! And he says "well, if it were me, I'd go stay the night at the hospital, even after work, because that's just the kind of person I am", and I said that I'm the one who has kids to take care of (he's not involved with them at all, even tho he lives here) - to which he responded, "even if I had the kids to myself, I would still go, because that's just how I am". ARGH! What am I, chopped liver?! Anyone else on this planet can see how much I give to other people, and how much I give to my kids and to their good upbringing - but for him, it's like it's never good enough. He truly thinks he's God's gift to mankind. And get this - 2 Sundays ago he preached about how the kids' good upbringing is all due to me, and that he is ashamed of that and knows it needs to change, and said how he knows he needs to make the family a priority. In fact, the leaders have confronted him two times on that, and he even mentioned that in front of everyone. But for what?!! This shows that his heart will not change. Other people will still always come before the wife and kids.

I was listening to a radio sermon on marriage (ugh! what timing!) and the preacher was saying how the wife should be the man's number one priority, and the kids too - she should be the most important thing in his life. And it took all my strength to not just break down and BAWL. We are so LAST on his list, always. And in his opinion, I don't do enough for the people we serve. I should drag the kids around late at night and on weekend trips to go serve others. I should sacrifice the kids for others. 

Ironic - he said in his sermon that someone prayed "thank you God that our teacher (my husband) is here sacrificing his family for our sake" and he said it in a regretful way, that it shouldnt' be like that.

And I'm screamin', show me the money!!! Where's the proof? Nothing has changed.

How can I be kind and loving and gracious to this guy?! I still serve him hot meals at the hour he needs them, I make coffee for him every afternoon (fresh, he won't drink it otherwise). I do all the household work, I even put his clothes away and pick up his shoes. ANd on top of that I have to put up with this kind of garbage.

Does anybody have a happy marriage? Is anybody's husband nice to them?!

I hate that in the worst of times my thoughts turn to the first love. Regretting that it ended. Seeing pictures of his wife and baby and thinking that she is living the life I should've had. I know it's dumb and not helpful. I know it's not real. Blah blah blah, and my heart is still broken and hurting.

Doesn't help that the husband has a night job and every night I'm alone with the kids. Dinner, bath, bed...just us and no husband or daddy. Even on the nights he doesn't work, he still leaves for some other reason - oddly, right before dinner.

I've been praying a lot the last few days. I wish God would hurry up and fix my feelings. 

Now I'm going to go do a workout video. I want to make myself attractive and skinny. I have about 15 lbs to lose. Either that or in my grief and depression I'd like to devour a bowl of ice cream.

Thanks for letting me vent. If anyone reads this and thinks I'm a loony, you're right.


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## FaithHopeLove

I had some past boyfriend that I still have feelings for-- not that I love them but its more of the "what if" questions of wondering what life would have been like if I chose one of them instead of the guy I'll be marrying in July. These are not good feelings to have and its been difficult for me to decide how to handle them.

I've personally decided that I shouldn't allow myself to feel bad about thinking about other guys. I find that if I'm making me feel bad then I think about the people MORE often. Also, I decided that since I'm not comfortable telling my fiance or a friend about these feelings, I could at least tell the virtual world about them. And I did just that: I posted anonymously about my feelings and love for one guy and sent it out to all the readers at that site. I felt immediate relief that I wasn't hiding it any more and I could let it go.

If you're finding yourself focusing on comparing your husband to one of these ex's, stop and focus on how you need to work on things with your husband. Depending on your views of marriage, you might even want to de-friend these people Facebook. If they're causing you to feel things you shouldn't, do it for your marriage--- the people might not understand, but that doesn't matter: improving your marriage DOES matter. 

I would highly recommend that you find ways to decrease the stress and time you're spending on thinking about these ex's. By allowing myself to open up and state that yes I do still feel certain things for my ex's, I was able to let go and use that energy focused on improving my relationship with my future husband. I hope you too can find a method to return your energy towards your marriage and not on your ex's.


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## FaithHopeLove

striving said:


> This is so hard. The husband and I haven't been speaking for the past 3 days - not really, anyways. Once again I so want to pick up the kids and LEAVE.


I'm not married yet, but I already know that leaving does not solve anything. Leaving means you've given up and do not respect your husband enough to at least stay, calm down, and talk this out as husband and wife.



> And get this - 2 Sundays ago he preached about how the kids' good upbringing is all due to me, and that he is ashamed of that and knows it needs to change, and said how he knows he needs to make the family a priority. In fact, the leaders have confronted him two times on that, and he even mentioned that in front of everyone. But for what?!! This shows that his heart will not change. Other people will still always come before the wife and kids.


I know you are very busy helping with other families, but remember your faith in God comes first (have you been able to spend time with God lately?), your marriage comes second (have you had time to sit down and lovingly talk with your husband about concerns and pray together?), and your children come third (have you been able to sit together as a family and pray together especially since you're all sick with colds?). It seems as if you're priorities are out of line and that will always cause issues in a marriage and within a family.

I know you're greatly concerned with helping others inside your parish and community, but God, your husband, and family come first. It's good that you're trying to find people to help this family out, besides yourself, but you can not spend too much time worrying about other people when your husband and children need you desperately. 



> I was listening to a radio sermon on marriage (ugh! what timing!) and the preacher was saying how the wife should be the man's number one priority, and the kids too - she should be the most important thing in his life. And it took all my strength to not just break down and BAWL. We are so LAST on his list, always. And in his opinion, I don't do enough for the people we serve. I should drag the kids around late at night and on weekend trips to go serve others. I should sacrifice the kids for others.


I don't agree with this preacher and with all the pastors and priests I've heard preach it is always our relationship with God that comes first, our marriage second, and our children third. I can't imagine that if we're ignoring God how we will continue to be blessed and be given special graces to do His will. 

Something I've found to be helpful is to meet with other Christian families and see how they're raising their family and working on their marriage. I met this lovely Christian couple at a recent marriage workshop (they ran it) and they offered their email addresses to us in case we ever needed to contact them. I'd be happy to pass along those email addresses in case you'd like to talk to them. Their testimony is very inspirational and perhaps by talking to other couples you might have a better understanding on how to improve your marriage with your husband. It would be very nice if your husband yourself could do something like this together.



> And I'm screamin', show me the money!!! Where's the proof? Nothing has changed.


Change can happen slowly. The parable about the seeds and where they were planted reminds me about how our own Christian faith can be (read Luke 8:4-21).

Right now your husband is like a brand-new seed who has just been planted. What type of environment are you helping to grow in? Since you CAN NOT change your husband, you can only do what YOU can to help encourage him and support him. Is what you're doing for him and for your children encouraging him to be a better husband and father? If not, then you need to pray and think of what changes God is calling YOU to do to provide this environment that will be rich and loving and supportive. 



> How can I be kind and loving and gracious to this guy?! I still serve him hot meals at the hour he needs them, I make coffee for him every afternoon (fresh, he won't drink it otherwise). I do all the household work, I even put his clothes away and pick up his shoes. ANd on top of that I have to put up with this kind of garbage.


You can be kind because that is what God has called you to be as this person's wife: kind, patient, loving, forgiving. I'm sure you do not do certain loving actions to be told what a great person you are--- that is a selfish love. Doing the actions shows your life, expecting to be shown love back is selfishness (as Jesus taught you have your reward on earth, you won't be rewarded in heaven for such actions). 

I don't have an answer for figuring out how to get him to help out more around the house and with the kids, that is something you'll have to pray about and discuss with him. However, I do know that we can not pray like "Lord please change X, Y, and Z in my husband" because God will not answer those prayers. If we pray such as "Lord help me to know how to guide my husband to be a better father to our children and to be supportive of all I do for him", God will open those doors and share the wisdom with us.



> Does anybody have a happy marriage? Is anybody's husband nice to them?!


We're not yet married, but for the past year and half we've been living together along with my sister. Overall, yes we've been very happy, but there are bumps and we've had fights and have been angry at one another. The point is this: I did not stop loving him and showing him that love because of those bumps. He did not stop loving me and showing me he loved me through his actions because of those bumps. That love, I have no doubt, will continue on because it's not a selfish type of love: I do not do something to be praised by him, I do it because I love him.



> I hate that in the worst of times my thoughts turn to the first love. Regretting that it ended. Seeing pictures of his wife and baby and thinking that she is living the life I should've had. I know it's dumb and not helpful. I know it's not real. Blah blah blah, and my heart is still broken and hurting.


Realize this: God did not make you to be that man's wife: He created you to be your husband's wife. And you have no guarantee that you would be happy at all with that person. Be thankful of what God has given you and focus on improving the situation you are in (aka your marriage now).



> Doesn't help that the husband has a night job and every night I'm alone with the kids. Dinner, bath, bed...just us and no husband or daddy. Even on the nights he doesn't work, he still leaves for some other reason - oddly, right before dinner.


This is not an ideal situation and I would be upset with this as well. It's not good for you, its not good for the children. Perhaps making a request that he could at least stay home 1 evening that he has off (I understand that he might want to go out on other evenings to be with his buddies) would allow him to actually do it. But please do not harbor anger towards him because of his working situation-- it is what it is and unless he can find a way to make it better, you can not be angry with him about it.



> I've been praying a lot the last few days. I wish God would hurry up and fix my feelings.


Read the Bible about patience. It's about God's timing, not our demands. I prayed for YEARS that God would "hurry up" and heal my depression and anxiety that was literally killing me. I moment I realized I had to stop making that demand of God and start asking Him "Lord how can I serve you?" that's when the depression and anxiety were gone. 



> Now I'm going to go do a workout video. I want to make myself attractive and skinny. I have about 15 lbs to lose. Either that or in my grief and depression I'd like to devour a bowl of ice cream.


I turned to eating a lot of food and gained about 40 lbs over the last 5 years of dating my fiance. It was because I stopped turning to God and abused food to get over my emotions. I read the book "The Eden Diet" and have been working on turning off the need of food when I'm stressed and saying yes to praying to God. You might find it beneficial to improve your relationship with God to help maintain and lose weight (I've lost 20 lbs in about 6 months). 

Btw, why do you want to make yourself attractive and skinny? Would God approve of your reasons why?


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## Edith_P

Striving -

I came across your post while googling something somewhat related, and felt compelled to reply.

First off - block your ex and his wife on Facebook. They will not receive notification - you will simply cease to see one another on the website and there will be no possibility for communication on either end. Here and there you may come across the occassional un-tagged photo, but the frequency will be reduced 95%. (There is a link on the very bottom left of each individual user page - "Report/Block This Person" - click that, then choose "Block So-and-So". This is always reversible in the future, should you feel the need).

Several statements you've made seem to point toward the foundation of a lot of your problems - a lack of self confidence and feeling of true value/worth. The way your husband regards you clearly reinforces these feelings, and - as other posters have pointed out - you romanticize and fixate on a former relationship as a result. I'm not downplaying the heartache or the significance of that past relationship - I understand precisely what you're going through - but, as you know, dwelling on the past doesn't fix your current problems nor does it make the man you married a more emotionally or physically present person.

You have to start with you - focus on making yourself a better, more fullfilled and well-rounded person. Eat healthy, get regular exercise, maintain positive relationships with a few close and trustworthy friends (the kind of people you could tell these things to without judgement). What are your interests? Explore them!

I know that therapy isn't cheap, and finding the time isn't easy, but there are sliding scale counselors, and seeking one out is a great idea. Speaking with a professional who can help you begin to put the puzzle pieces of your life and your identity together is the beginning of truly understanding not only what it is you want, but how to best love, understand and give back to others. Working on yourself will make understanding, confronting and repairing your obsession with your ex and your current marital issues a goal you can accomplish. If it feels like you won't be devoting enough time to your children, husband and higher power then remember - you cannot love anyone until you love yourself. If you are not a whole human being, you cannot give your "all" to anyone else.


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## striving

Thanks for the input Edith. Just to clarify, I'm not connected with the ex or his wife on Facebook. Rather, the wife is a friend of many of MY friends, so I will see her comments, etc. Thankfully there is no communication and no other link. And maybe she doesn't even know my name.

I didn't even bother replying to the post right before yours - so much of it was totally off and I just dont feel like commenting on every single comment. It was highly irritating and very preachy, besides being very off - a lot of it is not how my situation is.

I am exercising and eating right - since writing the last time I've lost 10 pounds and only have another 8 to go. I do have beautiful friends but I'm too ashamed of this struggle to mention it to them.

And it's very true - the worse my marriage, the more I think of the young boy from high school and college. The happy days or moments of my marriage are when I am able to block those memories and enjoy the present reality. I feel that I am doing what I can to give to my marriage and still am hoping for better times.


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## Clarence Rutherford

striving said:


> I didn't even bother replying to the post right before yours - so much of it was totally off and I just dont feel like commenting on every single comment. It was highly irritating and very preachy, besides being very off - a lot of it is not how my situation is.


You may be right on that, but *FaithHopeLove *had some good points. It may have been a little preachy, but I think she had good motives, esp. the part about contacting another married couple that works with young Christian couples in love. 


FaithHopeLove said:


> We're not yet married, but for the past year and half we've been living together along with my sister. Overall, yes we've been very happy, but there are bumps and we've had fights and have been angry at one another.


You say all this Christian stuff, which I agree with, but yet you're *living *with your fiance?
Are we to assume you're having sexual relations?

No problem if so. And I'm not judging you, just trying to grasp what you're saying and how you're living your life...
Just want to see how this squares with your Christian beliefs...

I didn't live with my future wife before we got married (she wouldn't have that, nor would I have asked her to) but we didn't keep ourselves sexually chaste either.... 

We didn't start ML until 4 mos. into our relationship...
We were in our early 30s and though neither were virgins, both of us had little sexual experience before we met, if that make a diff.

Me, only had 5X total ( 3 diff. women ) 17-30 while she only ML to a guy she dated out of HS going into college, a year into their dating they ML, who she later became engaged to. I'm thinking they didn't have a lot of passionate sex.... I hope...


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## waitwhat

My heart goes out to you. My mom recently told me that when she was at her wit's end with her husband, one morning she walked into his bedroom (they were sleeping apart) and said, "get out of bed and on your knees...we're going to pray!" and he did and they started doing it every morning. She probably said more than that. Anyway, I asked her what she would have done if he refused and she said she didn't know. 
I wonder if it is possible to go on a short mission trip without any of your family there. I was on a service trip with some high school youth once for a week at a summer camp, cleaning up after the little kids and counselors. After several days of being without my family, serving others, I *really* wanted to go home and serve my family. I had been in a weird place prior to me going. I was taking them for granted before that. It couldn't hurt. 
Or, just go on a trip without them - you probably need some renewal!


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## FaithHopeLove

Clarence Rutherford said:


> You may be right on that, but *FaithHopeLove *had some good points. It may have been a little preachy, but I think she had good motives, esp. the part about contacting another married couple that works with young Christian couples in love.


Thanks for your response! I'm a teacher professionally in a Catholic school, so I guess my posts can get preachy sometimes.  It's meant out of love and just wanting to share whatever wisdom God has blessed me with during the 5 years I've been with my husband-to-be. I have plenty of sins I need to deal with, but if God is willing to use me to help a Brother or Sister out, then I am doubly blessed.



> You say all this Christian stuff, which I agree with, but yet you're *living *with your fiance?
> Are we to assume you're having sexual relations?


We all have our sins and assume what you will about our relationship. My relationship with my husband-to-be is between me, him, God, and our priest. Out of respect for each of those individuals I try not to share too much.



> No problem if so. And I'm not judging you, just trying to grasp what you're saying and how you're living your life...
> Just want to see how this squares with your Christian beliefs...


I've been judged by so many Christians about the choices we've made in our relationship that it honestly does not bother me any more. My final judgement comes from God so whatever good or bad judgements people give me, really, just does not bother me. 

If you knew me, you'd know how much love I have in my heart. You'd know how much I love to pray and that I spend as many hours as I can reaching out to people who are in need. You'd know that I care for my husband-to-be and my sister (we all live together) by cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, buying treats for them, and helping them as any way possible. I try to visit my parents as often as possible and I can't think of anything more wonderful than sitting down and talking to my Mom -or- making my Dad's favorite treat: seasoned potatoes. I love each of my students and pray for them and their families constantly. I've stayed up late at night thinking about how I could help this child with his learning disability or how could I teach something in a really fun way for the kids. I give money and sometimes food donations to my parish, I give to various missionaries, and I provide small loans to people around the world who are in need (especially women who are trying to raise funds to go to school). 

I'm not trying to brag or anything, but if you knew me you'd know that every action that I do, I try my best to show the world Christ. 

I also told my Mom this a few days ago: Because of my past with abusive boyfriends, I'm thankful I was able to live with my husband-to-be for awhile (all together it will be about 2 years). I know that he truly loves me and that while he has flaws (and I do too) we can live together happily. I feel more prepared walking into marriage knowing that than if I was a younger lady w/o living with my husband-to-be. It does not work that way for everyone, but that is the path God set me on.



> I didn't live with my future wife before we got married (she wouldn't have that, nor would I have asked her to) but we didn't keep ourselves sexually chaste either....


Every relationship is different--- I can understand why our pastors and priests and Holy Scriptures warn us of certain actions. Living together does not necessarily or automatically mean SINNING. Sins are actions-- simply being together in the same place does not mean both of the people are covered in sin. Having premarital sex can sometimes mean sinning. (I don't have a definite answer personally-- I think a couple can possibly be spiritually married without having the Sacrament done)

So I just wanted to share a little bit more-- for me personally, not sure if the opening poster would find any benefit from this post.


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## Clarence Rutherford

FaithHopeLove said:


> I've been judged by so many Christians about the choices we've made in our relationship that it honestly does not bother me any more. My final judgement comes from God so whatever good or bad judgements people give me, really, just does not bother me.


Am sorry to hear that. Know that I wasn't throwing stones as I too didn't restrain myself from expressing my love sexually with my future wife I met just a couple of month after I turned 30...... 
As we didn't start ML until 3 mos. after meeting.... we didn't rush things and I truly wanted a relationship more than a woman who could please my p***s...

Did I feel some guilt about that? 
Some.. but not nearly what I would have felt in my early 20s when I never thought I'd have sex outside of marriage...

We did later talk about our sex and each said we asked God for forgiveness..
Though she said she willingly let me in, I apologized for putting her in that position and wasn't the Christian I should have been toward her...

During pre-marriage counseling in the Catholic church we then attended, the lay couple asked us if we were engaging in sex. We and the other couple was as well. The lay couple recommended cooling it for a year until the wedding.

Still slept with each other on weekends but didn't engage in intercourse or even "everything...but" like I had in my 20s with some never-married Christian virgin and non-virgin women who were afraid of the guilt or emotional commitment letting me enter would have brought on them.....
Yes, I wanted to ML with them but respected their stance and was willing to wait... as I didn't want to blow what could have been a lifelong relationship.


FaithHopeLove said:


> If you knew me, you'd know how much love I have in my heart. You'd know *how much I love to pray *and that I spend as many hours as I can reaching out to people who are in need. You'd know that I care for my husband-to-be and my sister (we all live together) by cleaning the apartment, cooking meals, buying treats for them, and helping them as any way possible. I try to visit my parents as often as possible and I can't think of anything more wonderful than sitting down and talking to my Mom -or- making my Dad's favorite treat: seasoned potatoes. I love each of my students and pray for them and their families constantly. I've stayed up late at night thinking about how I could help this child with his learning disability or how could I teach something in a really fun way for the kids.
> 
> I give money and sometimes food donations to my parish, I give to various missionaries, and I provide small loans to people around the world who are in need (especially women who are trying to raise funds to go to school).
> 
> I'm not trying to brag or anything, but *if you knew me you'd know that every action that I do, I try my best to show the world Christ.*


I don't doubt that at all. You sound like a spiritual woman and a woman of faith.

That is the kind of woman I was looking for when I was in college. 

None of the women I met at the campus religious ctr. and the Christian women I knew at my church wanted to enter a dating relationship with me... nor even go out with me (or so it seemed).
I was Christian as well, and am told I was an average- to good-looking guy so there wasn't anything necessarily wrong with me....

_Didn't want to have sex with them... I wanted a life relationship._

As got into my late 20s, feared *God had forgotten me..
*Here I was *30 *and had only gotten CLOSE to getting engaged (at 26) to a highly judgmental 30 y.o. virgin....
Longing for a former love/ my intro.

Longing for a former love/ my intro.

Did everything right... didn't press women for sex, treated them well, etc.... but many said no to my dating invites and may have gone for those "bad boys" instead when they could have found a loving and devoted Good Guy who would have treated them well..

Maybe that's why I sort of "put aside" some of my faith and wasn't so hung-up on sex... 
That loneliness led to two separate casual sex encounters at 26 that I regret (One of them was an invitation I should have resisted.... Did turn-down some other casual sex invitations...)

Maybe that horrible experience in my 20s was why I wasn't hesitant to get so sexually passionate with my future wife in my 30s... I let out all my pent-up desire.... 

_W_anted to get SOME kind of sexual satisfaction in my life before I got too old and maybe ended up alone like an elderly aunt who no man ever asked to marry...
.....The way things were going, no reason to think this woman would be any diff. from the others and eventually call our relationship off... Or suddenly be "too busy" to see me again...


As I only had sex ALL OF TWO TIMES throughout my entire 20s (19-30).... can't say I wasn't promiscuous or a player....
Methinks God understands this kind of thing.... and how lonely and sex-starved us singles can get....

Still, I have to thank God for "saving" me from my loneliness at 30 by bringing a wonderful woman into my life. Though I dated, I "expected down" and tried not to go into relationships with high hopes.... Was almost like I was getting resigned to being single....
_It was only through that blind date........

_ Sorry. A little rant there. 
I'm still a little upset at some of these so-called Christian women who wouldn't give me the time or day or acted like I didn't exist....


FaithHopeLove said:


> Every relationship is different--- I can understand why our pastors and priests and Holy Scriptures warn us of certain actions.
> 
> *Living together does not necessarily or automatically mean SINNING. *
> Sins are actions-- simply being together in the same place does not mean both of the people are covered in sin.
> 
> Having premarital sex can sometimes mean sinning.
> (I don't have a definite answer personally-- I think a couple can possibly be spiritually married without having the Sacrament done)


----------



## Clarence Rutherford

striving said:


> So I Googled my struggle and was so amazed to find SO MANY other people out there with my same struggle! Wow. Somehow the past few days have felt lighter and less burdened, just to know I'm not alone. There are so many who say that no one ever forgets their first love. And sadly, many more who are going back and forth between that guy and their spouse. I wouldnt' do that. I WANT my marriage to be that fantasy, I want to love my husband like that.
> 
> I"m just so glad to have read out there so many other cases where people can't forget the first guy they really loved.


You'd be surprised at how this afflicts many people.
Many times, it's related to the state of the person's marriage, like yours'. 
One finds himself/herself longing for days in the past that "seemed" so much better.

That ruminating, however, is often one-sided and can quickly gloss-over some of the relationship's shortcomings, which you pointed out in your OP.


On the woman I reminisced about, that 30 y.o. virgin I dated at 26, I've gotten over that trauma and it only lasted a couple of weeks in Jan., thankfully.
Can't believe how much it tore me apart. 

This wasn't just me wishing for her again and only remembering the good times... but *all the pain* returned in a flush as well...
..... and felt (like I did then) abandoned by God... who didn't seem to be with me... Looking back, methinks he used that breakup pain to teach me some things about women..... and not open my heart so soon to someone.... 

Your first real love stays with you, no matter how much you would like to forget. 
It's like she's in this room in your mind that you can't lock the door to or clean sweep the room. She's always there. 

You needed some time to think things through with this guy you from your past you were mulling over. 


SimplyAmorous said:


> I think the 1st tragedy in this is >>> you were a young woman who found herself passionately in love , but you allowed shame
> & your religious convictions, to take a higher place in your life - above remaining with the man your heart resided with.  I can ONLY IMAGINE your pain & regret here. :banghead:


Amorous,
Those feelings are entirely normal and legitimate. Many Christians feel guilt over such behavior. So don't throw stones at her for her sorrow on that front.

My wife of 14 years, 18 years together as a couple, is feeling some guilt over our premarital sex in our 30s... 
I assure her she _was _a "good Christian girl" back then and sexual desires and actions are normal...


SimplyAmorous said:


> I am sorry for this tremendous loss in your life.
> Looking back, do you feel God truly wanted you to take that mission trip?
> What was it that compelled you so strongly to RIP your heart into peices- and his?


Maybe she felt such work as a Christian would help ease her guilt over the sexual sin.

Striving, *the mission trip was a good idea*, don't feel any regret over going. 

You likely gained a lot from that by doing that in your life. 
Most people won't do that kind of thing and would stay home in their comfortable life... 
The selfless giving you provided to others in the world in need was a good thing.

If your EX _really_ loved you, he would have waited until you returned. 

I'm assuming you told him your plans and that you would return and could resume the relationship if you both felt right about it, but he rejected that.

He seemed more interested in having sex with you than your happiness. "Real love" is wanting what's best for the other, even if that means you're not what the other wants....

Posted my current situation with my wife here... but was surprised few commented.
My long distance marriage...

This posting got more responses.
My long-distance marriage


----------



## suzett

There have been some really good thoughts posted about this question. One thing I will add is that because you were sexually active wit this previous boyfriend it does make a bond for you and I believe that is part of the struggle. But you cannot go back only forward. I am going to give you some simple advice that worked for me. Write down all the good qualities about your husband, then read the list of good qualities frequently and pray that your feelings of love for your husband would grow. Continually review your commitment to your husband and family and focus on his good qualities. In time your feelings will follow your thoughts and those longing for a fantasy will be replaced with love for your husband. Also it's easy to imagine the exboyfriend as being such a wonderful guy, but everyone has faults and if you were with someone else you would soon discover that. So this is an opportunity for you and your marriage to grow. Remember your feelings follow your thoughts. So replace your unrealistic thoughts with positive and realistic ones.


----------



## striving

Thanks Suzett. I really appreciate it. I do pray...TONS!...one thing I almost daily ask for is that God give me HIS love in my heart for my husband.

I do notice that when the marriage is getting better (rare), I have less dreams at night and less unwanted daydreams during the day.

It's such a tough struggle (I'm speaking generally)...hurting and longing for your husband to be the "man of your dreams" when he's such a jerk most of the time and marriage is such a huge disappointment - to the point of heartbreak and anguish. Bearing that, it's hard to work and focus on being the woman of HIS dreams, making myself a happy person and giving HIM a wonderful home....when most of the time my heart is broken and sad.

ANYHOOO, onward and upward! I should dust off my Love Dare book.


----------



## striving

> I wonder if it is possible to go on a short mission trip without any of your family there. I was on a service trip with some high school youth once for a week at a summer camp, cleaning up after the little kids and counselors. After several days of being without my family, serving others, I *really* wanted to go home and serve my family. I had been in a weird place prior to me going. I was taking them for granted before that. It couldn't hurt.
> Or, just go on a trip without them - you probably need some renewal!


Actually what we need most is time TOGETHER. We are constantly serving others, so much so that the family is usually last. I have never heard my husband say to anyone "sorry, I can't come over, my wife and I have plans"...it's usually "sorry, we can't go out after all, so-and-so called and I'm going over there..." Thanks for the suggestion tho! Just doesn't happen to be our case. I LONG for a little time with my kids and husband that's NOT related to ministry!


----------



## striving

> Striving, the mission trip was a good idea, don't feel any regret over going.
> 
> You likely gained a lot from that by doing that in your life.
> Most people won't do that kind of thing and would stay home in their comfortable life...
> The selfless giving you provided to others in the world in need was a good thing.
> 
> If your EX really loved you, he would have waited until you returned.
> 
> I'm assuming you told him your plans and that you would return and could resume the relationship if you both felt right about it, but he rejected that.


I dont regret going...I feel it was my calling, no doubt. I've never had any doubts about that.

My ex did love me, and it was mutual. He would've waited. I broke up with him instead...at the time I was sure that we were going in different life-directions, no matter how much I loved him.

(p.s. how do i do the quotes? i cant figure it out!) :scratchhead:


----------



## Rough Patch Sewing

The mind and soul ties are powerful things. I would suggest the site:  Understanding Soul Ties.


----------



## striving

Feel like I'm sinking further and further into depression. Always feel like crying. Am feeling hopeless. Full of regret and can't help it. Hate my marriage and get insanely jealous of my rich friends who have huge houses and go on vacations all year long. Or even my friends who don't have money but have the kind of husband that will even take time for the family to take a vacation together. Full of anguish that I don't even have a friend in my husband.
And no, I'm not hormonal - that was last week. 
Sorry to barf this garbage out here. I guess everybody uses it like an online diary once in a while.


----------



## Clarence Rutherford

striving said:


> Feel like I'm sinking further and further into depression. Always feel like crying. Am feeling hopeless.
> Full of regret and can't help it.
> 
> Hate my marriage and get insanely jealous of my rich friends who have huge houses and go on vacations all year long. Or even my friends who don't have money but have the kind of husband that will even take time for the family to take a vacation together.
> 
> Full of anguish that I don't even have a friend in my husband.
> 
> And no, I'm not hormonal - that was last week.


Not a marriage expert, but have you read some marriage improvement books?
Could help.


> Sorry to barf this garbage out here. I guess everybody uses it like an online diary once in a while.


That's understandable. 
I use some of my threads here and on some other boards as places to vent/blogs.

_EDITED OUT 12-11

_Yes, those links give a glimpse of my life.
I'm not at your state in marriage, but have had moments when I wanted to leave.... will admit.

(Plan to edit-out those links later).


Have you heard of *The Marriage Bed forums?*
The Marriage Bed • Index page
It's a Christian-based marital sex improvement site/forum.
There are many subforums which deal with other marriage and relationship issues.


----------



## striving

Yeah, I've read books. I have taken the initiative to improve and work on our marriage many times. I quit because I get discouraged, like now, and see no changes, and also get annoyed that I'm the only one who ever takes initiative to make life better.
My heart hurts.
Thanks for listening.


----------



## striving

Wow. More than ten thousand views. Either the title sounds really juicy or there are a lot of people who can relate to me but just don't take the time to comment.

Still checking back once in a while but since nothing's changed it's been too depressing to post or ask for any new advice. I've been thinking more about leaving or suicide, or who knows. Neither is going to happen of course, but I'm sure everyone has these dreadful thoughts once in a while.

The marriage psychiatrist we went to told me to take 5HTP as a natural supplement to help lift my mood in order to deal with this rotten marriage better. I've taken it on and off for a few months...I guess since I didnt take it faithfully every day it wasn't a true experiment to see if it would help. Does anybody else take or know of a natural supplement to help with depression? He would've Rx-ed me some anti-depressants, but I just didnt want to get in to that.


----------



## Clarence Rutherford

Welcome back. These threads do seem to croak, and you see little activity.





striving said:


> Wow. More than ten thousand views. Either the title sounds really juicy or there are a lot of people who can relate to me but just don't take the time to comment.


Far too many of us are in your situation.


Remember me posting this earlier in this thread?



Clarence Rutherford said:


> Striving,
> I know what you feel.
> I've been having similar memories to a NEAR-fiance I had 22 years ago!!!!
> 
> About a month ago, flashbacks and memories almost wrecked my work week as it was so easy to get tearful...
> 
> Don't know what's wrong with me, but I started thinking of her and recalled all the pain I felt when she dumped me. I cried my head off.
> Look at what I lost -- I could have had a 30 y.o. virgin.
> 
> For the last couple of years, she and other former GFs have come into my mind, wondering why I didn't do this, or did that, or how I could have made things better and still been with one of them. Then the cold hard reality hits: _it wasn't ever my choice to end it_.
> 
> Maybe I'm going through this bec. *I'm getting close to 50 and am feeling a lot of regrets.*
> 
> It may have something to do with *the state of my 14 year marriage.* We are not maritally separated or talking divorce, but we have lived in separate states since July.
> 
> *We have also been sexless - her choice - for the past 5-6 years,* but that's improving.
> That's a long story and may post about it in another thread here.
> 
> I've gotten over this and realize that "going back" in my mind to this woman (and only remembering the good things) won't do me any good and I shouldn't waste crying over something that happened in 1988!!! I should instead save my tears for my marriage and work to improve it.
> 
> Plus, I don't know that woman anymore. It's all a dream. This whole thing is about me and my emotions, not her.
> 
> You don't know your EX anymore either.
> So I know where you're coming from.


I finally started a separate thread on my issue...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/22004-my-long-distance-marriage.html#post651306

Got very little response and went moribund, despite my many blog-like postings. Finally, after complaining about lack of response, a couple of people bothered to contribute to the thread.




striving said:


> Still checking back once in a while but since nothing's changed it's been too depressing to post or ask for any new advice. I've been thinking more about leaving or suicide, or who knows. Neither is going to happen of course, but I'm sure everyone has these dreadful thoughts once in a while.


Am really sorry to hear how nothing's really changed. Please don't consider suicide, lady.

We are doing better and God answers prayers, but it takes work.
We aren't having nearly the amount of LM I want -- like weekends at least and more. _I want it daily to 3-4X a week..._

We only have sex like once every 3-4 weeks, but that's a heck of a lot better than once every 1-3 months, like I had to like beg for earlier.

So things are changing and I'm trying to get her to become sexually attracted to me. I think she lost some sexual attraction toward me during our nearly 20 yrs. together, though she frequently tells me she loves me.

She also feels pain during sex, but the thread goes more into that and other issues. Perhaps you'll look at it and contribute.


----------



## Introubledeep

Hello striving

I couldn't wade through everything here, so I don't know if somebody already said these things to you, anyway, for what it is worth, here are my thoughts (yeah like I am any sort of expert...look at the mess I created!!!). Anyway, you asked for opinions so here goes.

I will preface this by saying that I am a christian man, or to be honest, I try to be a christian man...huge failure...sinful but forgiven. I assume that you are a practicing Christian, so I will speak from that world view as best I can, and balance it with how things really work. Sorry to offend you non believers, it is not my intention, but we are on the "spirtual" part of the board.

We all remember ex lovers. Remembering isn't a problem, if you don't your heart is ice and you really have a huge problem. 

The problem is not that you fantasise about the ex-lover, this is just a symptom. The problem is that your needs are not being met in this marriage. In desperation you are looking for something outside the marriage to fulfill you. Be honest and you will see that this is the truth. Is it "sinful" (I loathe the loaded and judgemental way in which this word is used in the church!)? Of course it is, but not nearly as sinful as the alternative of livng a double life in your heart and mind. Don't beat yourself up over it, you are a sinner, we are all sinners from the day we are born. All sin really means is that we are not perfect to gods standards...pretty obvious really, and no shame required, it is just a simple fact on par with "we need to breathe oxygen". Instead of worrying about the "sin" and what other people think, do something about the problem. 

The answer is not to repress your feelings and thoughts as you have been...this is not healing and growing. As for the "sinful thing"...we are sinful at birth, to the core, to every fibre of our being...acknowledge this fact and that you can't change that or avoid it, and you will stop worrying about every little sin and keeping a score card, accept the forgiveness Jesus gives us and move on. Our faith is built on grace, not works (thank god!!!!!)

This will sound harsh, but really fantasising about ex-lovers is no different to a man viewing pornography because he is frustrated with his lack of sex life/feeling emotionally disconnected from his wife. The pornography isn't really the problem, it is a symptom. It is a warning sign that he is hurting inside and lonely.

Fantasising about lovers, reading romance novels, using sex toys instead of making love with your partner, viewing pornography, these are very often poor substitutes for the real thing we need and want - intimacy...both physical and emotional. God created us to need intimacy, don't deny yourself the right to have it, or if you don't have it, to at least seek it.

What you need to do is create a *major* crises with your husband. Don't half do it, go all out or it won't work. Sounds a bit strange maybe, but hear me out. You need to let him know that you can not and will not go on with an unfulfilled marriage. You need to be 100% honest with him. 

What is the worst that will happen? He may say I can't do this and leave. At least you know where you stand and you can lick your wounds and move on. If the marriage fails at that point, it is his fault.

What is the best outcome? You shock the hell out of him and force him to reset his priorities, and put you at the top of the list. As a Christian, God comes first, spouse comes second, children come third (just), everything else is waaaaaay down the list...even ministry...in fact perhaps ESPECIALLY ministry if that is what is damaging one's spouse and children.

The pursuit of ministry at all costs (neglecting wife, leaving home, being an absent father, always putting other people before the family) is actually an obscene and twisted form of arrogance. Do you seriously think that one man working his whole life could do anything that god could not have done without that man. If you do, you have a very small view of god, and if god is that small you don't need him. Husband's oh so important minsitry is worthless if he damages and destroys those he is supposed to love above all else...his family. 

So what will happen if Husband has to quit or abandon his ministry because of the MAJOR crises you have created? Well, if it really is god's work, god will send somebody else to do the work or god will do it himself, while your husband gets his priorities right and restores his family. If he is man enough to do what it takes to fix his family, in the long run he will be a better man for it and more effective in "his ministry", or better still, God's ministry.

Family comes first. For family to come first, marriage must come first.

When we are 100% honest with god, he is free to work in our lives.

I plead with you, do not make the mistake I made. I ignored all the signs that things were wrong and carried on faithfullly, diligently, resiliently meeting my obligations, responsibilities and duties for years and years. I ignored all the signs and symptoms - especially seeking comfort from viewing pornograpy -and tried to pretend that things weren't that bad. The final outcome is that my marriage is so broken that it is a high likelihood that I will be getting divorced soon. I should have seriously addressed the marriage and emotional issues when they first arose and when there was some hope of restoring things. Hindsite is a wonderful thing.

Gods guidance and peace be with you.


----------



## Clarence Rutherford

Introubledeep said:


> I plead with you, do not make the mistake I made. I ignored all the signs that things were wrong and carried on faithfullly, diligently, resiliently meeting my obligations, responsibilities and duties for years and years. I ignored all the signs and symptoms - especially seeking comfort from viewing pornograpy -and tried to pretend that things weren't that bad.
> 
> The final outcome is that my marriage is so broken that *it is a high likelihood that I will be getting divorced soon. *
> I should have seriously addressed the marriage and emotional issues when they first arose and when there was some hope of restoring things.


God... I hope not...
If you can, please tell us why you feel there's no hope.
As a Christian myself, and a sinner too, you can try to change things.

Look at my sexless marriage thread I linked to above your post.
You think you'd want to live in a marriage like that, where your spouse only "allows" you to ML with her once every 3-5 weeks? Or less?





Introubledeep said:


> This will sound harsh, but really fantasising about ex-lovers is no different to a man viewing pornography because he is frustrated with his lack of sex life/feeling emotionally disconnected from his wife. The pornography isn't really the problem, it is a symptom. It is a warning sign that he is hurting inside and lonely.
> 
> Fantasising about lovers, reading romance novels, using sex toys instead of making love with your partner, viewing pornography, these are very often *poor substitutes* for the real thing we need and want - intimacy...both physical and emotional. God created us to need intimacy, don't deny yourself the right to have it, or if you don't have it, to at least seek it.


That is very good.
I too have sexual fantasies. 
I'm "over" my former GFs, Christian virgins I was _semi-sexual _with in *"everything....but...."* activity.... 
during my late 20s when I had a very strong sexual drive... and rarely had relationships...

Was a Christian and felt conflicted about vaginal sex... though in my mind, I now think how I could have just proceeded and they may not have stopped me...... (They let me do nearly everything else.... so they really couldn't consider themselves "innocent").
God wouldn't have condemned me for having sex... a normal part of a young man's life....

Will tell you this... I wasn't so conflicted when I met my future wife @30.... We had a lot of sex (on weekends)....


----------



## striving

> Remember me posting this earlier in this thread?


I do remember your comments, Clarence, and I'm thankful for the feedback and thoughts.



> We only have sex like once every 3-4 weeks, but that's a heck of a lot better than once every 1-3 months, like I had to like beg for earlier.


I hate sex. I can relate to your wife. I wouldn't mind doing it if I felt attracted to him, or even if I felt loved by him. That would make it easier, though I imagine I would very rarely want it. I'm sure you already know that generally speaking, women don't NEED sex. Women don't really want it (generally). We'll give it willingly when our needs are met. But it's not a need of ours, so I think men should just accept it and move on. In my case, at least my husband gets his needs (sex) met at least once a week, and I suppose that's what makes him feel loved. But for me - no needs are ever met, and I never feel loved. At this point I'd love to feel loved once a week. 

But for example, for Valentines Day, our oldest daughter (9) said "oh daddy we need to go get mommy some flowers!" to which he replied with a long ranting and raving about why should he have to buy flowers and how stupid it is....he sent our 9 yr old crying to the bathroom. Later she asked me "mommy why doesn't daddy want to show you he loves you?" It breaks my heart. She's only 9. Why should she be even aware of any problems between her parents?? I told my husband what our daughter said, and I said it was sad. I did not say it in a mean or angry way. It did not affect him, and he did not think of it twice. He only continued to rant about why he should have to buy flowers on that day. I'm afraid of what kind of man my daughter will end up with, as you know how the cycle goes. I would never wish a lifetime of hurting and pain on my precious daughters. I beg God every day that He bless them with men who will treat them like princesses.



> So things are changing and I'm trying to get her to become sexually attracted to me. I think she lost some sexual attraction toward me during our nearly 20 yrs. together, though she frequently tells me she loves me.


Clarence, take it from me, you bend over backwards and make it your entire life goal to show her you love her in ways that do NOT involve sex...you find out her interests and things that she likes or makes her happy, find out what her favorite drink is, her favorite candy....and the intimacy will come once she learns to trust in your love for her (if she's anything like me, and that's how I would feel).


----------



## striving

> The problem is not that you fantasise about the ex-lover, this is just a symptom. The problem is that your needs are not being met in this marriage. In desperation you are looking for something outside the marriage to fulfill you.


Very true, and I'm aware of that. Our marriage counselor (we went 5 times to a marriage counselor last fall, couldn't afford to keep going...he barely touched the tip of the iceburg) said pretty much the same thing. I agree. But I can't necessarily fulfill my own needs in the marriage, which is why I'm still stuck in this problem.



> What you need to do is create a major crises with your husband. Don't half do it, go all out or it won't work. Sounds a bit strange maybe, but hear me out. You need to let him know that you can not and will not go on with an unfulfilled marriage. You need to be 100% honest with him.


I've thought many times about telling him what I've been going through for ALL THESE YEARS....the thoughts of my ex, etc. Many times I cry in agony alone at night for having left him and having married my husband instead. What would be a major crises, in your opinion? I wonder if telling him these things would be major. I have a feeling that telling him about all of this wouldn't help matters any. I don't think he would care. As he's said to me before (when I told him I felt suicidal), "yeah, you got a problem", I guess he would just react in the same way. We're currently in a crisis. Not talking to each other. He was gone for six hours last night and I don't know where he was. He locked me out of the bedroom the night before; I slept in our kids' room.

I also have to somehow hold to my Biblical beliefs of seeking peace, not manipulating, etc. So I'm not sure I could create a major crisis.



> The pursuit of ministry at all costs (neglecting wife, leaving home, being an absent father, always putting other people before the family) is actually an obscene and twisted form of arrogance. Do you seriously think that one man working his whole life could do anything that god could not have done without that man. If you do, you have a very small view of god, and if god is that small you don't need him. Husband's oh so important minsitry is worthless if he damages and destroys those he is supposed to love above all else...his family.


I couldn't agree with you more!! And I can't tell you the many times he's threatened to quit ministry when he and I are arguing. I have so far asked him not to, because each time it has been for pure manipulation, and in no way have I seen any sign of spiritual conviction - not to mention that if he were to quit the ministry, we have no income, and more than that, he is NOT a man of action, and quitting ministry means he really would do nothing. It's not like he would actually spend time or efforts working on our marriage - so I've never seen the point to quit ministry.

And you know what's so ironic? We've had several issues in our ministry with marriage problems right now. My husband's been "counseling" several individuals and/or couples on their failing marriages. Want to hear something CRAZY?! He does not apply it to his own life, and does not see how it relates at all! I keep wondering, and I am so baffled, why is God allowing these marriage problems to come to my husband for him to help them?!! And why oh why and when oh when oh WHEN will my husband, a PASTOR, start working on his OWN marriage?!

The counselor we saw suggested that when it comes to our marriage, my husband is just plain lazy. I believe that's true. And guess what my husband did about it? Yep, you got it - absolutely nothing.

This morning, after being gone 6 hours last night (I assume with church people), I just put my workout clothes on to run over to the gym - but he left first, and said he was going to go help church people with some work project. That leaves me sitting here at home with our toddler son, workout clothes on, now unable to go to the gym (no childcare). He knew I wanted to go to the gym. Church people ALWAYS come first. Always. They always have, these last 12 years we've been married.



> Family comes first. For family to come first, marriage must come first.
> 
> When we are 100% honest with god, he is free to work in our lives.
> 
> I plead with you, do not make the mistake I made. I ignored all the signs that things were wrong and carried on faithfullly, diligently, resiliently meeting my obligations, responsibilities and duties for years and years. I ignored all the signs and symptoms - especially seeking comfort from viewing pornograpy -and tried to pretend that things weren't that bad. The final outcome is that my marriage is so broken that it is a high likelihood that I will be getting divorced soon. I should have seriously addressed the marriage and emotional issues when they first arose and when there was some hope of restoring things. Hindsite is a wonderful thing.


I wish my husband could read this and absorb this. I say read AND absorb, because my husband has read the Bible, has started (but left unfinished) reading Christian marriage books...but absorbs nothing. I'm not ignoring any warning signs...the warning signs are screaming at me in the face. But what to do when it's my husband who ignores and does nothing? I'm so very sorry for your situation...I hope for healing for you, I really do.


----------



## Clarence Rutherford

striving said:


> Clarence, take it from me, you bend over backwards and make it your entire life goal to show her you love her in ways that do NOT involve sex...you find out her interests and things that she likes or makes her happy, find out what her favorite drink is, her favorite candy....and the intimacy will come once she learns to trust in your love for her (if she's anything like me, and that's how I would feel).


Stiving,

That's a GREAT solution. Thank you very much !!!
I hadn't thought of any of this.
Win her heart by showing her how much I remember things and honor her likes/ dislikes, etc.

Thanks also for reading my thread her on TAM.
It didn't draw a lot of interest.... but I think it shows what a spouse can go through with a low-drive or refusing spouse...


----------



## Introubledeep

Introubledeep said:


> Clarence Rutherford said:
> 
> 
> 
> God... I hope not...
> If you can, please tell us why you feel there's no hope.
> As a Christian myself, and a sinner too, you can try to change things.
> 
> Look at my sexless marriage thread I linked to above your post.
> You think you'd want to live in a marriage like that, where your spouse only "allows" you to ML with her once every 3-5 weeks? Or less? QUOTE=Clarence Rutherford;654056]
> 
> Hi Clarence, I won't hijack this thread with long answers to these questions, but if you really want to know, see my thread "Loneliness to pornography to an affair".
> 
> As for the no sex thing, try periods of up to 2 years with NO sex, about once every 4-6 months for the last 5 years...my experience. My marriage is beyond repair in the natural realm. Maybe God has a miracle, but am I able to endure the pain and suffering of many more years of emotional abuse till we reach the point where my wife is willing to try and fix things?
> 
> I am very sad, but this is the truth..I believe so anyway.
Click to expand...


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## yolanda_fan

Hi, striving and Clarence. Glad to see that you're still posting.

striving, I read your original post (2010) for the first time today. That post focused on your ex and the feelings you still had for him. in 2012, your posts have been about your marriage and the problems within it. I think that's been the real issue all along.

Is your husband willing to work on your marriage? I know he went to counseling with you, but does he desire a happy marriage, and is he willing to work to make you happy? I can tell that you are frustrated but trying to make your marriage better.

Have you read the book "The 5 Love Languages?" Do you know your husband's primary love language (s)? Does he know yours? One thing you might try as a couple is to jot down a few examples of things your spouse can do to show you love in your love language. e.g. give me a compliment in the morning, a greeting card with a personal message from you, scraping the snow off my car (acts of service), stay home with the kids while I go to the gym, etc. My husband and I did this, and it worked for a while, but I found myself getting frustrated because he would stop giving me words of encouragement after a few days. My therapist encouraged me to keep reminding him and to ask him to remind me if i stop making deposits in his Love Bank.

One crucial point is that you've got to tell your husband how your relationship is affecting your children. He has to know that displays of tension or hostility between the two of you will affect your children's future relationships. I don't know if he's aware.


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## chocolotto

I have a similar situation, and my marriage has been to hell and back. We have only been married 4 years with a 1 yr old. Striving reminds me so much of myself, but it doesnt sound like her husband even wants to work on the marriage. Sounds like he is playing church as a pastor and may not even be saved or have a relationship with God. ( I am not saying he doesnt bc I wouldn't know, just sounds like it) I have been in the same situation as you -striving, thinking about my ex even doing the what ifs, even trying ot be friends with him. Now that we have a child my main focus is my marriage I want to love my husband and have that bond with him but it does take two! I applaud you for staying and trying to work it out most women would have left. Are you just waiting for him to cheat to have a reason to leave? lol I only ask bc I have a friend that said that for years she waited for a biblical reason to leave and never got one. She still doesn't know if her husband is saved and they are in their 70's!! I have seen A lot of advice saying leave leave leave! Is that what the bible says? No. I struggled with this much myself. My husband has hurt me/and i hurt him as well in so many ways but he now seems willing to work on his marriage with me in doing counceling and a marriage devotional.


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## Clarence Rutherford

How's it going for you, Striving?
Hope you're doing better.



striving said:


> I know, I'm an idiot. I'll just get that out of the way.
> 
> To sum up: Dated HS sweetheart for 4 yrs, that relationship ended and 2 yrs later I married my husband who is a pastor, we've been married 10 yrs, have 3 kids, marriage has been rocky and he's not at all what I had hoped/dreamed/longed for. Marriage has been the greatest disappoinment.
> 
> Besides that, I have a serious problem and it seems that no matter how much I pray and beg God and memorize verses, it eats up my brain and won't go away. I have such a hard time stopping almost constant thoughts of my former boyfriend. Nobody knows about this; it's too embarrassing to admit even to my closest friends. I have found out that this boyfriend has turned into an amazing man, has traveled the world, and seems to have a great marriage with a baby on the way. And like a dork, all I can do is obsess on the "what if". I long to be happy in marriage, to be in love with my husband, etc. But my husband won't even pray with me. He is often rude and unkind, and so far from wise. He ignores the kids. And every Sunday I have to sit and listen to him preach.
> 
> Sadly the relationship with the HS boyfriend (went thru college years too) was physically intimate. He was a great guy with a great family. (I have virtually no relationship with my husband's family, they live overseas and the family relationship is way different than your typical American, Christian family.) I truly did love him and did not leave him because I did not love him anymore...it was b/c I knew we needed to stop the intimacy and also b/c I knew I felt God leading me to serve overseas.
> 
> So to make a long story short (too late!), I'm just throwing this out there to hope for some helpful advice. I need a labotomy. I really wish for that part of my brain to be cut out so that I could quit longing for this guy. Again, I feel like I've tried everything. What does the rest of the world do to get over a past relationship?!
> 
> Thanks for the help.
> 
> P.S. Oh yeah, forgot to mention...my ex's wife is mutual friends with so many of my friends on FB as they now go to the church where I was married, so I see her comment on my friends' posts and it's so frustrating! I feel I can't comment after her, since she probably hates my guts for breaking her husband's heart and giving him a history. Does not help matters any.


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## Clarence Rutherford

chocolotto said:


> I have been in the same situation as you -striving, thinking about my ex even doing the what ifs, even trying ot be friends with him. .


Me too...
I don't think of my EXs much anymore, those Christian girls I dated in the past, but still... the thoughts do enter my head what might've been...





chocolotto said:


> I have a similar situation, and my marriage has been to hell and back. We have only been married 4 years with a 1 yr old. Striving reminds me so much of myself, but it doesnt sound like her husband even wants to work on the marriage. Sounds like he is playing church as a pastor and may not even be saved or have a relationship with God. ( I am not saying he doesnt bc I wouldn't know, just sounds like it)
> 
> I have been in the same situation as you -striving, thinking about my ex even doing the what ifs, even trying ot be friends with him.
> 
> Now that we have a child my main focus is my marriage I want to love my husband and have that bond with him but it does take two! I applaud you for staying and trying to work it out most women would have left. Are you just waiting for him to cheat to have a reason to leave? lol I only ask bc I have a friend that said that for years she waited for a biblical reason to leave and never got one. She still doesn't know if her husband is saved and they are in their 70's!! I have seen A lot of advice saying leave leave leave! Is that what the bible says? No. I struggled with this much myself. My husband has hurt me/and i hurt him as well in so many ways but he now seems willing to work on his marriage with me in doing counceling and a marriage devotional.


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## Clarence Rutherford

MsLonely said:


> Women do like gentleman but sometimes when it's time to have sex, they love to be screwed like an animal as well.
> 
> Sometimes, when women say NO, means Yes. You have to read between the lines.


Wow... I like that idea, the animal part.
Methinks I was too much of a "gentleman" while single AND married.


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## tanya_me

Hi i know its an old post...but needed a place to express my feelings...which makes me feel guilty all the time...i keep thinking about my ex not a single day since i broke up had gone without thinking about him and what he is doing where he is...after our breakup he just stop posting on social networking sites and like invisible to me now...i keep looking for any trace to find what he is doing where he is...sometime i just go crazy trying to look for him over net...what makes me feel guilty is now i am a married woman...its just been 1 an half year since i got married i have a great husband...and i am having a happy married life...but he doesn't have the passion or possessiveness for me the way my ex used to have...i know i am being childish but which girl doesn't want a guy madly in love with her...and i broke up with my ex not because i stopped loving him that was because of family pressure and my lack of courage to stand up for him i tried my best but didnt crossed the limit where i threaten my family to run away or commit suicide cause i wanted him in my life with my family's concent...but today i am with this great guy who loves me but never shows me...he does do thoughful thinks to make me happy like occationally asking me to call my family which i keep forgetting taking me for long drive when i am low...holding me tight when i am sad...he cooks too when i am tired...makes me laugh at his stupid attics...he is a wonderful family oriented person...and it breaks my heart to be away from him even for few days...but my stupid obcession for my ex is just driving me crazy...i just want to know he is ok and is doing well in life...cause when we brokeup he cried and very passionately told me how much he loved me and how much he have thought about our future together and i am running his life by going away from it...and i just cant handel the fact that a person who loved me so much is going through so much pain all because of me...he even told me that he would never marry again cause i am the only wife he ever wanted...i just hate myself for breaking his heart but he let me go without creating much issues...initially his parents also asked my parents to get us married but my parents had there own issues...he is a very polite honest and a strong headed person...when ever he used to come visit when i was working he made sure we go to church where he used to thank God for giving me to him...for him i was his lucky charm his wife his girl and all that shattered in a matter of few seconds when i tied the knot with some other guy...he never created any issue for me but the last time i spoke to him before marriage he said till the last movement i will keep my hopes high that you would come back to me...i hate myself for breaking such a divine heart...but now i am with a person who has such a pure soul like a small child...he is strong from outside yet so sensitive from within...i guess i should just let my past behind me cause my constant obsession would only ruin my relationship with my husband...i know i love him more i guess more than my ex i guess way more than my ex...but i still wonder then what was that which i had for my ex?


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