# Work Friends



## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

My wife goes out weekly with a group of work friends. I mentioned I would like to meet some people out of the group. She got all mad about it saying that would be weird, no other spouses have done that, and I am trying to check up on her. 

My question is, if I look at it from my side I probably might think it's weird for a spouse to show up at a work thing, but at the same times as well why can't I just be introduced. 

Have you met the people your spouse works with? Do they go out on a regular basis? Are you able to meet them?


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

My h has come to the bar with my work buds in the past. I'm not embarrassed to show him off and I quite enjoy his company. It helps that he speaks geek, too so he.fits in.

Her comment about you checking up on her bugs me. Why would you accuse someone of that? Does your marriage have trust issues or past infidelity?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

No cheating, I do have trust issues but I believe it stems from my clouded past. I guess I just don't understand plutanic relationships. I know she is at the bar, comes home when she says she does. I have just have an issue that I think it's predominantly males that are there. 

I do exactly what she does so I am sure I would understand their speak. I am taking it as "Something must be going on." She might be taking it as "It's weird and puts me in a strange situation."

No other signs of cheating are going on, no late nights, no uncounted for time, sex is great, we have sex when she comes home on these nights. I am just curious if she likes the attention she receives when out.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

It's just fellow workers getting together. 

If it's a group of people and it's a weekly thing, you're making too much out of it. I've been out with fellow workers and a spouse has shown up. It's always a little awkward for them.

If you want to be introduced, go to the company Christmas party or summer outing.

Unless you see other signs that make you suspicious, back off.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Have you checked up on her in other ways? Email, phone? Just wondering if she is tired of being treated like a criminal.

Have you tried ic to deal with your past and the issues it has raised for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Steve, this is only strange due to the fact your wife has actually made out with one of her co-workers. Had she not done that and wanted to keep her pfofessional life private, then I'd say, no big deal. But because she cheated on you with a co-worker, that changes everything, IMO.


----------



## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

The way it was worded to me was it was not a make-out. He pecked her while she was talking. But again this is all I know, it could be different. This co-worker though no longer attends these events.

I go around in circles about it, yes a kiss happened, but she didn't have to tell me. Of course I have thrown a bone to someone and tried to sugar coat it as much as possible. 

It's on one hand I love her to death, on the other hand I feel like a punk. Note, we have no kids together, finances are not together and things we own are in our own names because we buy our own things. She doesn't have to stay with me for any main reason, really almost a no strings attached marriage. This is how we both agreed from the start so it's not like that changed recently. Always been that way.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I want to say:
A) she's ashamed of you

or...

B)there's something going on with someone that she does not want you to see


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How do you know he is no longer attending? 

Something isn't right. Wish you had mentioned the kiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mrs1980 (May 6, 2011)

Not good 

My H has worked at his office for almost 9 years-never been there. I went to one work party (retirement) held outside the office. 

Funny-there is a co worker of my h that he had never mentioned her name before-then I get rumors about them lunching/texting-I found hundreds of texts (mostly work related but still...) pix of her in his phone, she has worked with him for over 3 years-like 3 cubes away...

We are working on everything but my thought process is "Why am I being hidden from them and vice versa?" My H has a different personality when around me and then behaves completey diff around them (this is him admitting). 

Scary-huh? He wanted to keep me away from them so I didn't find out about his flirting and immature behavior in the office and he didn't want them to see me around him b/c he's Mr. Nice husband (and prefers that I am the aggressive partner)

I am wondering if you W is 2 diff people at work and at home...


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I've moved around quite a bit at my company, and have never been in a group where they didn't want the spouses involved. In my current group, one of the guys also owns a small chain of buffalo wing sports bars, and we meet at one of them every week after work. Most of us bring spouses. I'm also very involved in my wife's work group social events. At least in my area, this would suggest that she's living a double life to some degree.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

DO you want your wife going out socially, drinking alcohol on a weekly basis with other people? To me, this is no consistent with marriage. There is no reason for your wife to be putting herself in a social situation that was invented to promote sexual hook ups. I would enforce this as a boundary, rather than trying to become part of it.


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think if you are not doing anything secretly, you don't need to worry about letting your spouse know what is going on about you! 

You are not worried if he or she checks on your phone. 

You are not worried if he or she checks on your emails. 

You want to introduce your spouse to your friends or co-workers happily! 

If you don't want to, something secret is going on! You can have all the reasons to accuse your spouse for being controlling and unreasonable, but why do you need to hide things from your spouse? 

I think after a couple is married, everything has to be brutally open and honest, or it will cause friction. 

My husband knows all of my friends and co-workers, I want everybody to know him. 

I met all of my husband's co-workers and friends, my husband wants everybody to know he is married and his wife is me. 

He only associates with men, I only associate with women, and we go out together if it's couple's gathering!


----------



## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

Be careful with this. I met all of my wife's co-workers and had even spent a little time around them (parties, etc). That didn't stop a few of them from trying to be more than friends. Some men are pigs and will try to score. Having said this, don't let any replies on her drive you crazy to the point where you act irrational. Go read the book "Boundaries". You have to handle this right or it will only make the situation worse if your wife is a certain type of woman (independent, rebellious, defiant).


----------



## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

I am not getting to bent out of shape about some of the comments. I like to hear everyones opinions. I check her phone records all the time and no conversations are going on outside of work. She spends 6 out of 7 days a week with me and no time unaccounted for. I know cheaters usual paths and the last two times she came home we just had a couple beers and that was it. 

She calls me from the bar, people know we are married and she comes home when she says she does. I think I would be better off on it, if this dude didn't kiss her. I sit back and wonder about it all the time and it pisses me off. But then I can see how it could be a mistake on someones part and she didn't need to tell me anything. But then I think maybe she is just confessing to just anything so I will be ok with it. 

I just need to go on Maury and do some lie detector show.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

The fact that something happened previously and that you have concerns should be enough for her to have you along and introduce you. There is absolutely no reason to refuse this. It is my personal opinion that married people should not generally be out cavorting in bars without their spouses although the occasional office thingmight be an exception.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

As much as I hate games, is there a way for you to turn the tables so that she can feel what you feel?


----------



## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

morituri said:


> As much as I hate games, is there a way for you to turn the tables so that she can feel what you feel?


I agree. Maybe on those nights you can find a group of friends to go out with. Maybe have a poker night or just something to keep you occupied so you are not just sitting there thinking about what she is doing. 

Have you tried to take your wife out on one of those nights? Maybe try to take her to dinner and a movie and see if she turns you down for her friends. If so, there is more to it. She is getting something from them that she is not getting from you.

If I were in the same situation as you, I would find a way to meet my husband's friends or there would be serious problems in our relationship.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It is very normal and even expected that spouses be introduced to c-workers. Even good ettiquette. 

It is also understood that they could join in from time to time.

Whether or not these weekly outings are a good idea or not is an even bigger deal. This is how a good chunk of affairs start.

It is a red flag that she does not want to introuduce.

Now add in the kiss thing. Well that would put an end to these weekly get togethers.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Kricket said:


> I agree. *Maybe on those nights you can find a group of friends to go out with. Maybe have a poker night or just something to keep you occupied so you are not just sitting there thinking about what she is doing. *
> 
> *Have you tried to take your wife out on one of those nights? *Maybe try to take her to dinner and a movie and see if she turns you down for her friends. If so, there is more to it. She is getting something from them that she is not getting from you.
> 
> *If I were in the same situation as you, I would find a way to meet my husband's friends or there would be serious problems in our relationship*.


Not a bad idea to be occupied when she is out, but then again it feels a little bit little putting your head in the sand. Like if you are pre-occupied there is nothing to be concerend about.

Actually I would push for replacing these nights with date night.

Yes, I would meet these folks.

Are weekly coed nights out drinking with people you work with really something to do? For me, I see the the folks I work with all week. Why would I not spend my time off with my family?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I wouldn't demand they end UNLESS she was adamant I could not attend.



Entropy3000 said:


> It is very normal and even expected that spouses be introduced to c-workers. Even good ettiquette.
> 
> It is also understood that they could join in from time to time.
> 
> ...


----------



## N9977 (Jun 23, 2011)

Out of my reason experience trust you instincts. I got a weird feeling a few week ago and started to surge my h mails and to my surprise got mails that he has send to a co-worker with photos of us and she send him nude photos of her luckily I found out when I did stop it before anything else could happen we are now busy working on our marriage.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

SteveR said:


> I am just curious if she likes the attention she receives when out.


Um...Ya' think?

:scratchhead:


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

a lot of affairs start with opposite friendships in a social setting with booze added to the mix.
i would start redirecting your wife's time, plan things for that day andalways check up o. her.
blind faith is foolish in a marriage, you may trst her but you cant trust the other men, she is only human we are all geared to having an affair if the conditions are right, it feels good to be flirted with. it's a dangerous road.
a lot of bs's have had the same gut feeling and a lot of them lost their marriage to a co worker affair.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I've met my wife's coworkers at every job she's ever worked at. At no job have i ever felt like she didn't want me around. Like mentioned before, that's a huge red flag. Her initial reaction, was a huge red flag. If you no history of checking up on her, or causing a scene, there's no reason why she should feel this way.


----------



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

For us that would not be weird. Sometimes it is just the work people getting together and other times SO's join as well. For both of us we have been to events for both our jobs at different times, so we are recognized and known at them.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

zombie thread

Steves probably going thru a divorce right now.


----------

