# Trust issues and marriage



## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

my first time doing this but I need an outlet and other perspectives as well. I caught my wife texting someone in a way that I know she wouldn’t want me texting other women, In addition to that she deleted the message but I had already seen it unknowingly to her. The next morning I asked her when was the last time she spoke to the guy and she said months ago at a friends birthday. Till now I can’t really describe the different kinds of emotions I felt but it’s a month after and we haven’t had any serious conversations except it’s about issues concerning our son. She’s tried to apologize and she’s said anything to try to convince me it’s an isolated event but I’m extremely untrusting in general but I open to her because I actually wanna make this work even tho I know it’s not easy. Also I’m a very strong believer in not sharing relationship issues with close friends or family(although with limited exceptions if its a relationship role model and I feel that they might have helpful input)


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Your gut is screaming at you that your wife is still betraying you, otherwise you would not be posting here.

Unfortunately she has already broken your trust and there is likely much more to it than the text you have seen. Let's be honest, what are the chances that you caught her the first and only time she crossed these boundaries?

Time to put your detective hat on. At this stage put the term "snooping" out of your head. Since she has already crossed a line, you are morally within your rights to get to the truth of her innocence or guilt by covert methods now.

There are various methods to restore deleted texts and other messages on cellphones. It might cost a couple of bob, but get some software, get a hold of your wife's phone while she's asleep and restore her messages to your computer.

Facebook and Facebook messenger is also a good place to look, try to gain access to hers as well as her email.

Don't just concentrate on possible messages to or from this guy, sift her conversations with her trusted friends as-well, since women would often confide very embarrassing things to their friends.

A VAR (voice Activated Recorder) where she normally makes phone-calls and in her car may provide helpful information as well.

I hope you find nothing, but if you do, don't confront her with it. Never give up the source of your information.

If you find something, it'll be best to come seek advice here before you confront her.

I hope there's no there, there, but I have learned that one should always trust your gut once it starts nagging you.

Good luck OP.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

How long have you been married and have there ever been any trust issues before?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> my first time doing this but I need an outlet and other perspectives as well. I caught my wife texting someone in a way that I know she wouldn’t want me texting other women, In addition to that she deleted the message but I had already seen it unknowingly to her. The next morning I asked her when was the last time she spoke to the guy and she said months ago at a friends birthday. Till now I can’t really describe the different kinds of emotions I felt but it’s a month after and we haven’t had any serious conversations except it’s about issues concerning our son. She’s tried to apologize and she’s said anything to try to convince me it’s an isolated event but I’m extremely untrusting in general but I open to her because I actually wanna make this work even tho I know it’s not easy. Also I’m a very strong believer in not sharing relationship issues with close friends or family(although with limited exceptions if its a relationship role model and I feel that they might have helpful input)


Your wife is lying to you because she's having an affair.
Stop listening to her, start verifying everything.
Trust your gut.


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> How long have you been married and have there ever been any trust issues before?


Almost two years and yeah sometimes she’s tried to downplay her relationship with men from before we met.I don’t care what she did before we got serious but the attempts at misdirection concerns me a bit


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> Almost two years and yeah sometimes she’s tried to downplay her relationship with men from before we met.I don’t care what she did before we got serious but the attempts at misdirection concerns me a bit


It sounds to me there is a good chance you got married because she was pregnant. Is that the case ?


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Your gut is screaming at you that your wife is still betraying you, otherwise you would not be posting here.
> 
> Unfortunately she has already broken your trust and there is likely much more to it than the text you have seen. Let's be honest, what are the chances that you caught her the first and only time she crossed these boundaries?
> 
> ...


Best believe I’ve been monitoring her very closely I check her phone regularly when she’s asleep but I know she’s been extra careful she deletes the messages as soon as it happens because that’s what she usually does, I was lucky because she got sloppy that night because she went out drinking with her friends but since that day she tried to log her Instagram account out of the family tablet because that was how I confirmed she deleted the message when she went to work because I tried to follow up on the conversation she was having with this guy but it was deleted. So I asked her who’s the guy over text she said friend when she came home from work I asked her person so I can read her expressions. She so easily said about 3 months ago at her friends birthday 

She doesn’t do much chatting on Facebook, mostly insta which im willing to spend money to recover the deleted messages and Snapchat where messages delete automatically so I’m sure that’s where her and her friends trade secrets 

I believe my intuition is very strong and it rarely wrong.I just wanna know if she’s just lying about talking to this guy or she can actually be having something more intimate


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> It sounds to me there is a good chance you got married because she was pregnant. Is that the case ?


Oh yeah, that definitely expedited things


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> I just wanna know if she’s just lying about talking to this guy or she can actually be having something more intimate


I mean there's no way for anyone here to be certain.
But from the pattern of behavior you described, yea, she is. More intimate.
She definitely has an EA going on.
EA + opportunity = PA.

And adults don't just hold hands. So yea.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> Oh yeah, that definitely expedited things


Did you DNA test the kid?


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Did you DNA test the kid?
> I mean I might just do that now just for extra verification but I’m pretty sure he’s mine


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I mean there's no way for anyone here to be certain.
> But from the pattern of behavior you described, yea, she is. More intimate.
> She definitely has an EA going on.
> EA + opportunity = PA.
> ...


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> I mean I might just do that now just for extra verification but I’m pretty sure he’s mine


You’re probably right, but the secretive untrustworthy behavior would make me want to double check.
If she’s involved inappropriately with other men (whether physically or not) now, as a married woman, there’s a good chance that was the case before you were married also.

make no mistake, texting inappropriately with another man and then hiding it is a betrayal of you and your marriage. It’s a big deal and it’s serious.
What have you done about it?
What are the consequences of her behavior? Have you set tighter expectations and boundaries and requirements over this?
It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually done anything to take control of the situation other than checking her phone “when she’s asleep”
Apologizing means nothing.
You need to set boundaries and expectations and require her to earn her way back into your marriage. Doesn’t sound like you’ve done any of that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Based on your response I would say you will end up being a marriage warden all your married life and will never have a partner you can fully trust. The current fact is that you already know you can’t trust her. You can cut your loses now or wait a few years when you catch her red handed. I’d be done already just based on what you have but that’s just me. Liars are garbage to their core. No good ever comes of that.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

This all sounds very shady and as most can attest to here, you’re probably just seeing a small piece of what is probably a very big lie. Who is this guy? Is he married? Start digging my friend. Check the phone records to see how often they text/call. She can’t delete those.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> That’s very true Im very interested in finding out how she could pull off something physical with him while we living together


@Dictum Veritas gave you a lot of good suggestions in the first post.

But honestly, you should consider whether it matters. 

You know she's not trustworthy and in an affair of some kind.
Do you need to know more?

Some people do...some do not.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You have received a lot of good advice here.
You need to get a hold of her phone and run software on it.
Place VAR's in places where you would be most apt to gain the best information (car, places @ home where she talks, etc.)
If possible, the next time she goes out, make arrangements to have her tailed (if not a PI, a friend or someone who can get you some intel as to what she does in these settings.)
See what you can garner from this information.
If you find anything, confront her. Do not give her all your information or disclose sources of it. Just enough disclosure to freak her out.
During this chat, have some sort of DNA mechanism ready to go (even if it is just an Ancestory kit.) Do it right in front of her and take a sample from the kid. Get it ready to go and send it out.
At this point, you should have a pretty good idea what is going on. Use shock and awe to your advantage.
From there, you decide what to do. If you get an admission, lawyer up, even if you want to try to work through things.
Take the position of strength, you can always ratchet back if warranted.
Even if there is nothing going on and the kid is yours, it sounds like you need to have a conversation and some definite boundaries need to be set. Spouses should not be texting strange people of the opposite sex without a valid reason to be doing so. She now has a kid and a husband, she doesn't need to be out partying. The three of you need to be doing things as a family.
PS: do the DNA test anyway. If your investigation shows nothing, develop an interest in your "Heritage," and do the test as a family. Again, her reaction can be telling.


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> You’re probably right, but the secretive untrustworthy behavior would make me want to double check.
> If she’s involved inappropriately with other men (whether physically or not) now, as a married woman, there’s a good chance that was the case before you were married also.
> 
> make no mistake, texting inappropriately with another man and then hiding it is a betrayal of you and your marriage. It’s a big deal and it’s serious.
> ...


We’ve been meaningless conversations about the situation that aren’t going any for about a month now, she’s trying to downplay it so I’m really not sure how to go about and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I don’t want our close friends and family in our private matters.

I’m open to suggestions what kind of boundaries would you set and what do you recommend I do ?


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> This all sounds very shady and as most can attest to here, you’re probably just seeing a small piece of what is probably a very big lie. Who is this guy? Is he married? Start digging my friend. Check the phone records to see how often they text/call. She can’t delete those.


I don’t know much about him but I caught her lying about talking to him once no further information


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> I don’t know much about him but I caught her lying about talking to him once no further information


No more is really needed. This tells you it was cheating. The only thing you really don't know is has it been physical yet. Odds are it has. At the very least she need to give you full access to her phone, she isn't allowed to delete anything and she should have location tracking on her phone at all times so you can see where she is. It sucks, but this would be the only way to start rebuilding trust in her. Sadly, since you have waited so long and acted indecisively at the time you aren't likely to resolve this. She is going to refuse any demand you make and you will just fold and go with it. That's my bet.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

When you say, OP - ''I want to make it work,'' what are you wanting to make work? She sounds like a liar and is betraying your trust. You can't make a marriage work all by yourself.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Do you have access to her phone logs from the cell carrier online?
You should look through those...

Does your wife work out of the house?

I think you should be assuming that she has been cheating on you based on what you are reporting.

What level of evidence would you need to do something about it....I think most would be ending it over inappropriate conversations with another man, lying, and deleting messages.

What was the nature of the message you saw?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> We’ve been meaningless conversations about the situation that aren’t going any for about a month now, she’s trying to downplay it so I’m really not sure how to go about and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it because I don’t want our close friends and family in our private matters.
> 
> I’m open to suggestions what kind of boundaries would you set and what do you recommend I do ?


I have some thoughts, but what did the message(s) that you saw actually say? 
And who is this guy, and why is your wife in contact with him at all? What is there connection, hell did they become acquainted?


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> I have some thoughts, but what did the message(s) that you saw actually say?
> And who is this guy, and why is your wife in contact with him at all? What is there connection, hell did they become acquainted?


So it was her birthday and she was letting him know it was her birthday because the previous part of the convo had been cleared she met him through a mutual friend so she forgot to clear that part of the conversation before she passed out and then in the morning she deleted it probably as soon as she woke up


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

re16 said:


> Does your wife work out of the house


No she works about 10 mins walk from home and she usually sends me her work schedule too


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Why is your wife going out drinking with friends without you being with her.

I'm sorry to say, but this is not married behavior. It really doesn't sound like you have a great marriage there bud. Is it even worth the effort?

I'm just asking, you don't need to answer that question but to one person, being yourself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

First off you have more red flags than a Chinese parade here. You should not be asking about trust because there is nothing trustworthy going on here at all. At this point you need to reframe your brain so that you can grasp that you have a very serious and likely explosive situation going on here. Many of the posters and I think that you are only seeing the very tip of the iceberg so far. 

You don't need to talk to her or ask here any more questions at the moment. She will just lie and rugsweep and then cover her tracks better and you do not need to convince her that she is cheating because she already knows what she is doing. 

What you need is to get that piece of evidence that is the "Ah Hah!" moment for you where you realize the reality of the situation. 

The other posters have provided good suggestions on recovery software and pulling phone records and VARs etc etc so I won't dwell any further on that. 

The one myth you are placating yourself with that I want to bust is the myth that she does not have time for an affair. 

If she has 5 minutes where she is not within your line of sight and 5 minutes of her day that she does not have to account for, she has the time. 

Does she go grocery shopping? Does she drop off or pick up kids from school/daycare/friend's house etc? Does she have any appointments? Does she have any hobbies or off-site work assignments? Does she have relatives she visits or friends that she hangs out with?

In all of those things she can meet at motel room, at a park, a back parking lot behind the mall, swing by the AP's house etc etc etc. 

If she's running around partying and getting drunk with girlfriends etc, there is also a high likelihood that these friends are covering for her or using the cover story of going out with them while she sees the AP or at least meets up with him on her way home. 

I've discussed this is other threads but in my upper 20s I had several WW's that would booty call me on their way to the grocery store or to the mall or would stop by my house after dropping the kids off at school. 

This was even back in the days before cell phones and one called me from the school payphone and said she had 5 minutes and would swing by my on her way home. When I answered the door she literally pushed passed me heading to my bed room taking off her clothes on the and said, "I really only have 5 minutes!" I think by the time we were both done it was actually more like 7 or 8 minutes but sometimes the timing can be a little off. 

But my point here is extramarital trysts are often not these erotic and romantic fantasy scenes of slow and tantric love making. More often than not they are hurried, explosive encounters that place in minutes in supply rooms at work, in the car in the back of a city park or back parking lot or at a cheap motel or AP's house while on a trip to the store. 

They make time and they squeeze it in the moment they have a time and place where no one is watching.


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> Why is your wife going out drinking with friends without you being with her.
> 
> I'm sorry to say, but this is not married behavior. It really doesn't sound like you have a great marriage there bud. Is it even worth the effort?
> 
> I'm just asking, you don't need to answer that question but to one person, being yourself.


We have our separate circle of friends I don’t think I have to be with her every time she goes 

but to answer your question I don’t see it being sustainable long term especially if she keeps being deceitful.

At the moment, What is for sure is that she lied to me. I’m new to the whole marriage dynamic that’s why I’m looking for other opinions on the subject.

i believe in time the picture will be clearer and I’ll know the appropriate response to take


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> What you need is to get that piece of evidence that is the "Ah Hah!" moment for you where you realize the reality of the situation.


That’s exactly what I plan to do, that’s why I’m don’t try to push her it too much


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## Mikedacelestial1 (4 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> f she's running around partying and getting drunk with girlfriends etc, there is also a high likelihood that these friends are covering for her or using the cover story of going out with them while she sees the AP or at least meets up with him on her way home.


If she’s doing anything it’s with the add of her friends definitely but if you’re making a case without evidence then you have no case pretty much so im gonna just play it smart and keep an eye out I’m sure with time the picture will get clearer


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> If she’s doing anything it’s with the add of her friends definitely but if you’re making a case without evidence then you have no case pretty much so im gonna just play it smart and keep an eye out I’m sure with time the picture will get clearer


OK but you need to keep in mind that the only "case" you need to make is with yourself. You are your own judge and jury. 
Realistically, you will probably never get the whole story. I'm convinced that the vast vast majority of infidelity in the world is never even suspected let alone discovered. 

You only need enough evidence to know in your own mind and your own heart. You don't need to prove it to her (she already knows more than you ever will) You don't need to convince her parents or her siblings. You don't need to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt to your own family. 

And since most states are no-fault states, you do not need proof of adultery to divorce. And not only does adultery not mean a thing to most divorce courts and judges, but it's even kind of getting to the point where if the BS makes much of an issue about it, people will label the BS as the vengeful ex and the pyscho and the loose cannon. 

As a man, you are at risk of being considered as mean, abusive or dangerous or a threat if people think you are making too much of a deal out of her screwing another man. 

So in the end, you only need enough to see the light yourself. And once you know yourself, you are not obligated to prove it beyond a doubt to anyone else.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> im gonna just play it smart and keep an eye out I’m sure with time the picture will get clearer


I'm also going to add that you will have to go into detective mode and actually investigate and actively look for the evidence. 
This has likely been going on for far longer than you realize. WW's cover their tracks well and are generally very skilled at smoke and mirrors. You can't just sit by passively and wait for the evidence to come to you. 

Do it on the down low and do not tip your cards or it will just cause them to go deeper underground and cover their tracks better. 

I don't mean this to be a put-down or a dig at you, but you have likely been asleep at the switch for some time and are just starting to play catch up. She likely has a pretty good head start on you and is way ahead of you. This may have been going on for years. If you really want to get to the bottom of this, you are going to have to go undercover and go all Sherlock Holmes.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your situation. OK so you know some things for sure which should more or less tell you to get out before needing anymore info. However more info will help you with your own peace of mind even if you leave.

You know that she is deceitful and a liar. You know from some of the context of what you did read that she is a cheater. She also does not seem to have any real feelings or respect for you. So why would you want to stay? Just because she is the mother of your kid?? You know that the collective wisdom has shown time and time again that it will not end well if that is what you are doing. Would she be ready to take a poly on this?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> Best believe I’ve been monitoring her very closely I check her phone regularly when she’s asleep but I know she’s been extra careful she deletes the messages as soon as it happens because that’s what she usually does, I was lucky because she got sloppy that night because she went out drinking with her friends but since that day she tried to log her Instagram account out of the family tablet because that was how I confirmed she deleted the message when she went to work because I tried to follow up on the conversation she was having with this guy but it was deleted. So I asked her who’s the guy over text she said friend when she came home from work I asked her person so I can read her expressions. She so easily said about 3 months ago at her friends birthday
> 
> She doesn’t do much chatting on Facebook, mostly insta which im willing to spend money to recover the deleted messages and Snapchat where messages delete automatically so I’m sure that’s where her and her friends trade secrets
> 
> I believe my intuition is very strong and it rarely wrong.I just wanna know if she’s just lying about talking to this guy or she can actually be having something more intimate


What did the text you saw say?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I hate stories like this with a small child is involved and just a couple years of marriage.

As others have stated you have a lot to be suspicious about.

However, you need to sit down for a few moments and think for yourself about what you want.
You said you wanted to make the relationship work? For whom and why? Do you love the child you believe is yours? Do you want that child to be in your life for the rest of your life?

Hypothesize for a moment that your wife of 2 years did nothing really wrong, except some on-line flirting? What would you want? Then hypothesize that she had an emotional affair with this guy? What would you want? Then hypothesize that she had a physical affair? What would you want to do? Does the child make any difference in any of these?

Figure out what you boundaries are in regard to fidelity. Figure out what you can forgive. Figure out what you can't forgive or if you can forgive everything under the right circumstances.

In this day and age, anyone can end a marriage for just about any reason. If it get's too uncomfortable your wife may end the marriage.

Once you have at least given these things some thought, you might want to talk to a counselor or a priest/minister (if you have one) for some advice. You should also talk to an attorney, depending on what you have decided. 

Whatever, you do, don't rug sweep this and ignore it. At some point you need to tell your wife what your boundaries require you to do. Your actions could range from taking full custody of the child and filing for divorce, because you will be a better parent or you could decide to work with her on reconciliation assuming certain conditions. Again, you get to decide, what you want. You are in a tough place.

Good luck.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Brother here's the deal. A married couple, who actually do love each other and are GENUINELY committed to each other, Don't LIE! We can try to mislead the other for a surprise birthday party or something of that nature, but to lie about conversations or events is a sign it's over, period. If we cannot do something in front of the other openly, that's a problem. To hide and delete social media accounts and messages is NOT acceptable. Nothing wrong with you or the wife hanging out with friends on occasion, we are still individuals as well and need social interactions beyond or mates or we loose our identity. However, a married person is committed to another and certain interactions are not appropriate. Use of alcohol or drugs does not change this.
Marrying because of a child to be is not often a good thing. There is a falacy or flaw in our thinking that makes us believe this is the best for the child. In most cases this is not true. If this was the reason for the marriage, you need to examine your true feelings here and now. If you do love her, as in seeing a wrinkly couple holding hands on a porch swing some day,.then you need to act NOW. actually it maybe to late. Keep searching inside and keep looking at her actions. You already know in your heart what the truth is. Decision time my friend. Peace be with you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mikedacelestial1 said:


> Oh yeah, that definitely expedited things


Are you positive the child is yours? 23 and me?


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

I repeat what I posted on another thread:
Always trust your gut feeling and what to do for peace of mind:

To follow your wife`s activities it is extremely easy to be your own detective and most of it can be done at home on the computer from the comfort of your own armchair.

I guarantee that she will have either a facebook account, instigram, Utube or have profiles on other social networking sites or on multiple networking websites perhaps even ads on dating sites.

What you need:

Her email addresses
Mobile phone numbers
Any nicknames she uses
Actual Name
Residential address.
A clear facial photo.

First try typing in either her real name, nickname, phone numbers or emailing addresses into facebook in order to find her facebook account if you don`t have it. Check out her past and present activities on there including and most importantly, check out her friends list to see the type of people she is associating with.

Next type any of the information you already have about her including what I have listed above into various search engines, especially Google and see if she is mentioned in any of the lists that appear. Also do a Google image search. I bet my bottom dollar that this will yield in results. You will be amazed what results this will have just by only typing in an email address or mobile phone number.
Next go into a website called Pimeyes. It works by face recognition. The first 3 searches are free. You get 3 free searches every 24 hours. Upload a clear face photo of your wife and then click search. If she has any photos of her online the search will show them.

There are various free people, social networking search engines and image comparison searches also available online. If you discover photos of her online, download the photos onto your hard drive and do a Google and TinEye image search to see where else she has uploaded her photos she may be using on her profiles.

At one time a close friend asked me to conduct an online search on his girlfriend and within only 5 minutes I knew more about this person than my friend had known since the 2 years he was dating her. It transpired that this girl had a string of guys on the go.. It was all there in plain view.

My recommended above methods should be the first line of search and the hiring of a private detective that I have no doubts won`t be cheap could be considered as a last resort.

Also worth trying, is to get a friend or you follow her when she goes out and if getting a chance or to unexpectedly turn up wherever she is and also take a look at her cell phone to see who she`s communicating with.

One major point in all this, is that at all times you must act cool, as if suspecting nothing and the online searches must be discrete and the person unaware that these searches are taking place. Otherwise if they get even a hint that their activities are under scrutiny, they will quickly make their profiles private or change their user names and other details so that it becomes extremely difficult to track them online.

If you find evidence that she is cheating, grab the evidence that can be used if this comes to a divorce.

Hopefully this leads to nothing, except to help give peace of mind.

Think about it.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I repeat what I posted on another thread:
> Always trust your gut feeling and what to do for peace of mind:
> 
> To follow your wife`s activities it is extremely easy to be your own detective and most of it can be done at home on the computer from the comfort of your own armchair.
> ...


That's really great information 👍 
I had no idea you could do all of that. It should be added to weight lifters post


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