# How do you guys handle it when your wife compares you with other guys?



## nirvana

My wife has developed this new habit lately, to compare me with other men, typically husbands of her friends who are now our friends. She's been doing this for about a year because she has figured that it bugs me a lot and no one likes to be compared unfavorably.

Her trick is to compare one attribute of another guy and say how he does that well and I don't. Then some days later, she picks another attribute of a DIFFERENT guy and says how I don't measure up. She never has one shining example for me to aspire to be, it is always bits and pieces from different guys. So this one perfect male does not exist so she has cleverly constructed one in her imagination.

What she leaves out is the reason why the person displays the attribute. And because of having that attribute, how the person does something else really badly.

Examples:

Wife: Hussain is so relaxed... he is never stressed like you are. He is so calm. 
Reality: Hussain has family wealth. He works when he feels like in contract jobs. He doesn't care about medical insurance or anything mundane. His wife comes from a super rich family too. He "works" from home so has no commute, so has all the time to play tennis and other things with his kids.

Wife: Look at Kumar. He gives his wife so much "importance". He is always running after her.
Reality: Kumar is a beta wimp. His wife wears the pants in the house and she probably hates his nature.

Wife: Look at Vivek. He was out at Costco shopping with the kids.
Reality: He goes to Costco to get some "me time" away from the nagging wife. He told me this himself. My wife and I have seen him at Costco ONCE, and his wife gloats that he does it every week so my wife uses this to club me with.

Wife: Look at Raju. He bought his wife a nice expensive car, and watches and LV handbags. He loves her so much.
Reality: Raju doesn't have a great salary, they are single income and he has poured all his money in the stock market (and lost a lot) and has bought expensive cars and bags and branded clothes to keep up appearances. He is still in his townhouse with a bad school district when everyone our age has upgraded. His townhouse mortgage was underwater 2 years ago after 10 years of mortgage payments. May not have saved for retirement/kids college.


So the point is, there is not one single guy that my wife wants me to be like. She has constructed this wonderful husband/dad/partner in her mind who probably has 50 hours in a day while mere mortals like myself have only 24.

Some of you probably face this too. How do you deal with it?

1. Ignore it completely
2. Tell her to go live with any one of these awesome guys (obvious she won't as she is trying to make you jealous/guilty)
3. Prove to her that she is wrong.
4. Compare her with other ladies to get her jealous

I have tried them at various times, but she still persists as she thinks she has a weapon to prod me. It never really works because the way to make me do things is to come love me and ask me as a woman asks. Not bully or threaten me, because then I give her an internal finger.


----------



## Married but Happy

Call her out on this destructive behavior and tell her that it is harming your relationship. If she doesn't stop, start comparing her to the wives - how they behave, how they look, etc. Perhaps she'll understand then how unpleasant it is to be unfairly compared.


----------



## NobodySpecial

Does your wife have ANY redeeming qualities?


----------



## Faithful Wife

My husband would pick me up and set me on the curb and say "here I will call all these other guys you like better than me to come get you, wait right here".


----------



## OLDERMARRIEDCOUPLE

Faithful Wife said:


> My husband would pick me up and set me on the curb and say "here I will call all these other guys you like better than me to come get you, wait right here".


I really like your answer.


----------



## ConanHub

Faithful Wife said:


> My husband would pick me up and set me on the curb and say "here I will call all these other guys you like better than me to come get you, wait right here".


Took the words right out of my mouth!

I am worth love, admiration and respect. I give and expect to receive.

Mrs. Conan isn't as immature and unenlightened as your wife so would never engage in the stupidity your wife is partaking in, but if she did, I would let her know where the door is and that she had caused me to lose interest in her.

Your wife is also placing herself in danger of having an affair.

Many women have fallen prey to destructive thoughts exactly like your wife is displaying. There is no perfect man but, you are right, she is concocting a perfect man in her mind that you can't measure up to.

She needs a sharp slap back to reality. Let her know how unattractive she is becoming by displaying such juvenile behavior and point out how other women are better behaved than her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nirvana

NobodySpecial said:


> Does your wife have ANY redeeming qualities?


She has a lot of great qualities. But then so do I. She isn't perfect, and neither am I.


----------



## ConanHub

nirvana said:


> She has a lot of great qualities. But then so do I. She isn't perfect, and neither am I.


Exactly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kristisha

nirvana said:


> My wife has developed this new habit lately, to compare me with other men, typically husbands of her friends who are now our friends. She's been doing this for about a year because she has figured that it bugs me a lot and no one likes to be compared unfavorably.
> 
> Her trick is to compare one attribute of another guy and say how he does that well and I don't. Then some days later, she picks another attribute of a DIFFERENT guy and says how I don't measure up. She never has one shining example for me to aspire to be, it is always bits and pieces from different guys. So this one perfect male does not exist so she has cleverly constructed one in her imagination.
> 
> What she leaves out is the reason why the person displays the attribute. And because of having that attribute, how the person does something else really badly.
> 
> Examples:
> 
> Wife: Hussain is so relaxed... he is never stressed like you are. He is so calm.
> Reality: Hussain has family wealth. He works when he feels like in contract jobs. He doesn't care about medical insurance or anything mundane. His wife comes from a super rich family too. He "works" from home so has no commute, so has all the time to play tennis and other things with his kids.
> 
> Wife: Look at Kumar. He gives his wife so much "importance". He is always running after her.
> Reality: Kumar is a beta wimp. His wife wears the pants in the house and she probably hates his nature.
> 
> Wife: Look at Vivek. He was out at Costco shopping with the kids.
> Reality: He goes to Costco to get some "me time" away from the nagging wife. He told me this himself. My wife and I have seen him at Costco ONCE, and his wife gloats that he does it every week so my wife uses this to club me with.
> 
> Wife: Look at Raju. He bought his wife a nice expensive car, and watches and LV handbags. He loves her so much.
> Reality: Raju doesn't have a great salary, they are single income and he has poured all his money in the stock market (and lost a lot) and has bought expensive cars and bags and branded clothes to keep up appearances. He is still in his townhouse with a bad school district when everyone our age has upgraded. His townhouse mortgage was underwater 2 years ago after 10 years of mortgage payments. May not have saved for retirement/kids college.
> 
> 
> So the point is, there is not one single guy that my wife wants me to be like. She has constructed this wonderful husband/dad/partner in her mind who probably has 50 hours in a day while mere mortals like myself have only 24.
> 
> Some of you probably face this too. How do you deal with it?
> 
> 1. Ignore it completely
> 2. Tell her to go live with any one of these awesome guys (obvious she won't as she is trying to make you jealous/guilty)
> 3. Prove to her that she is wrong.
> 4. Compare her with other ladies to get her jealous
> 
> I have tried them at various times, but she still persists as she thinks she has a weapon to prod me. It never really works because the way to make me do things is to come love me and ask me as a woman asks. Not bully or threaten me, because then I give her an internal finger.


 I don't want to be mean or anything but why don't you give her a a taste of her own medicine? Just for a while, to see how she's gone react


----------



## NobodySpecial

nirvana said:


> She has a lot of great qualities. But then so do I. She isn't perfect, and neither am I.


She just does not seem very NICE to you. You have to fight tooth and nail for the basics of courtesy. Seems like you are a meal ticket to her.I hope I am wrong. But really it seems like you guys need counseling.


----------



## thread the needle

For the reasons stated above, this is a serious issue. 

Those thoughts are affair-bait and the lack of appreciation and respect for you is destructive to whatever love you have. 

One of my favorite quotes is "All unhappiness is caused by comparison" (Keeping up with the Joneses for example)

There are always cons to go with the pros as well. 

It's childish in it's lack of examination and acknowledgment of the cons to go with those pros. It is also embarrassing how transparent it is as to why she does it trying to prod you along into greatness or something. I am embarrassed for her that it is so pathetically obvious as to make me blush over here in see right thru it land.


----------



## nirvana

NobodySpecial said:


> She just does not seem very NICE to you. You have to fight tooth and nail for the basics of courtesy. Seems like you are a meal ticket to her.I hope I am wrong. But really it seems like you guys need counseling.


I think the root cause is the SAHM syndrome. She went into the super mom mode which means taking husband for granted. Indian guys don't just pack up and leave. Now she wants to be super mom and super employee at the sametime. Not possible, so I told her to chill out but she won't and wants me to sympathize. I have told her directly several times that I feel like I am just a paycheck, an ATM for her. She gets angry and wonders how I can say such a thing. But hey, that is how I feel. She never says anything nice, but the negative things are all out there. I ask her why and she says it is because "years and years" of being taunted. Whatever, She is a drama queen. And blames others like her dad.

On Saturday we were at a party. I am 6'1. She comments to me that this other guy who was at a party was "taller than me". Now I am okay with that if it was true. This other guy looked like he was my height, but he had shoes on and I did not! For men, height is a issue, just like weight is for women. I luckily am not ashamed of my height but my wife trying to pull me down was annoying. I told her that and she later said she meant it as a joke. Whatever... I asked what if I had said Savitha had a slimmer waist than her? No reply.

I think another reason is that her dad is a super manipulator. Everyone in their family manipulates everyone else. There is no direct talk. That is one of the biggest reasons why I hate my FIL. He isn't a man, he is a wimp, a beta... no a zheta except with his wife with whom he is a bully. That culture permeates through and my wife tries this manipulative game with me. I have told her as clearly as I can that I don't do stuff because A or B is doing it. I do it because it is right for us. "what will people think" is big in her part of the family. He never takes responsibility, it is always someone else's fault. I think he is a disgusting character. Short term thinking, he will put anyone at risk just to save his own skin. ACCKKK THOOOOOOO!!!!


----------



## nuclearnightmare

OP

having just read your last post it almost sounds like she uses it as a passive-aggressive maneuver on you. where she might 'tune' the comment more or lesss hurtful depending on her mood. 
this might not be practical advice but Im think a good dose of your #2 and #4 methods of handling this would eventually make your point very well (that you don't like her doing this)


----------



## skype

She is trying to get a rise out of you, so stop taking her bait.

Some possible approaches:

Humor:
"It seems that you did not marry Kumar. Why did you choose so badly?"

In your best Indian-English accent, say "Ah, it is just your karma to have married me instead."

Give her a big kiss to stop her mouth.

Concern:
Put your arms around her and tell her that you can't believe she is so envious of others.

Setting boundaries:

Put your hand up and say "Stop. I will not tolerate disrespect from you."

Leave the room when she starts in. As you go, say you will not listen to empty complaints.


----------



## jaquen

Easy. She wouldn't be my wife anymore.

I'd wish her hearty good luck on finding a man with Hussain's relaxed temperament, Kumar's unyielding attentiveness, Raju's opulence and Vivek's Costco card.

Of course I'm assuming that she has Mother Teresa's heart, Marie Curie's mind, June Cleaver's homemaking skills and Jennifer Lopez's body to attract such a man.

But hey, that wouldn't be my problem...I mean business anymore.


----------



## jaquen

nirvana said:


> I think another reason is that her dad is a super manipulator. Everyone in their family manipulates everyone else. There is no direct talk. That is one of the biggest reasons why I hate my FIL. He isn't a man, he is a wimp, a beta... no a zheta except with his wife with whom he is a bully. That culture permeates through and my wife tries this manipulative game with me. I have told her as clearly as I can that I don't do stuff because A or B is doing it. I do it because it is right for us. "what will people think" is big in her part of the family. He never takes responsibility, it is always someone else's fault. I think he is a disgusting character. Short term thinking, he will put anyone at risk just to save his own skin. ACCKKK THOOOOOOO!!!!


To be honest, the way you describe your FIL cuts eerily close to how you come off in your posts. 

If you're going to throw around the concept of a "beta", then you'll conversely have to include the concept of an "alpha". And an "alpha" male wouldn't even be having this conversation, or this problem.


----------



## JW8614

Hahaha! I love this post - such a fun read and totally made me laugh. 

Don't let her know that it bothers you. 

And why dont you compare her to other women. I'm sure thatll make her stop doing it to you.


----------



## unbelievable

When she says, "look at Hussein, or like at Raju", tell her, "look at the door."


----------



## john117

What you describe is more common in some cultures than others. In places like your home turf or mine success is often predicated in the amount of head start you have out the gate so...

I would turn it around in a self deprecation way... Comment on her friends... Etc. 

Such cultural norms are hard to eradicate...


----------



## Wolf1974

Hmm I read this title and thought it was going to mean something completely different. I guess I have been compared in ways where it was a compliment like...Sarah's husband plays golf all Sunday and never spends any time with his kids...I'm so glad your not that way type thing. Has always been presented as a compliment. I also have used this as a compliment like "overheard some guys today talking about never getting BJ's from their wives". Glad you're not like that baby.

If my GF ever said hey why can't you make as much as Sarah's husband I would definetly be offended and hurt. I would tell her she can gladly go and find someone who makes more money and get out.


----------



## john117

Wifey - somehow similar culture as OP - does compare me to others. Especially when she passes some foreign guy driving an X5 or higher (she drives a modest X3 )


----------



## lifeistooshort

I like FW"s answer. After you tell her you're going to have one of them pick her up tell her that you're interested to know if any of then find her to be a prize.

Then tell her that if she has a specific request for you you'll listen when she's done being a PA s$$hole. Then tell her you're going to scope out some bigger t!ts.


----------



## bbdad

My wife did that once about one of our friends. I forgot what it was, but was something relatively minor. I just shot back, "so you want to live their lifestyle as well, huh? Because if you want me to act like that, I am going to take on all of the actions, good and bad. No more debt free living, no more you being able to stay home and shop on the damn internet all day, no more you having all the free time you want...and on and on!" That shut that sh!t down real fast. I told her I wouldn't be compared to someone to get one good quality...people are a full package.


----------



## lifeistooshort

bbdad said:


> My wife did that once about one of our friends. I forgot what it was, but was something relatively minor. I just shot back, "so you want to live their lifestyle as well, huh? Because if you want me to act like that, I am going to take on all of the actions, good and bad. No more debt free living, no more you being able to stay home and shop on the damn internet all day, no more you having all the free time you want...and on and on!" That shut that sh!t down real fast. I told her I wouldn't be compared to someone to get one good quality...people are a full package.


Nice.....i like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Married but Happy

Whenever my wife compares me to anyone, it's because she has a higher opinion of me. If she does have a better opinion of someone else, she's never told me!


----------



## 6301

Actions speak louder than words. Next time she takes a swipe at you, say nothing. Go in and grab her suitcases, throw them on the bed and tell her to start packing and let her know where to send her mail. If she backs off and tries getting out of it, start packing for her. Tell to leave the next day and hand her blankest pillow and sheets, point to the couch or spare room and tell her that she can sleep there because you can't compete with all the other guys and SAY NOTHING AFTER!. Let her do the talking and you pay no attention. If you have to, go out for a while and let her know that she's got her wish now make something of it. 

Don't start taking verbal shots at her looks or figure, just let her know that your at the end of your rope and she's free to go with Mister Perfect where ever he may be and wish her luck. If she stays and wont go, just walk past her like she isn't there. Fix your own meals and take care of yourself. If she isn't working, tell her to get a job because your not supporting anyone who can't show any kind of appreciation for you. make her walk the line for a while.


----------



## askari

john117 said:


> What you describe is more common in some cultures than others. In places like your home turf or mine success is often predicated in the amount of head start you have out the gate so...
> 
> I would turn it around in a self deprecation way... Comment on her friends... Etc.
> 
> Such cultural norms are hard to eradicate...


Although I do not live in India, I do live in a country with a very large Indian population...Ismaili and Hindus from across the spectrum.

One thing that comes across very strongly is that they (with no disrespect) are very conscious of how other people perceive them.
Some will live in a small two bedroom house but have the latest Mercedes E class on the drive. They want to be seen as being very successful.

Others are indeed very rich indeed and have very glitzy houses, gold dripping off them, gold plates taps (fawcet) etc. He will work hard, while she swans around having tea, coffee, pedicures etc

But what I am convinced about is that under all the facade they have marriages that Nirvana describes. Not taking sides because we only have his side...but I know Indian men can be promiscuous and Indian women, due to cultural reasons, tend not to place much worth on sex.


----------



## hookares

Tell her she would be the perfect wife if she could learn to keep her mouth shut and learn to move her ass the few times a year you try to make love to her.
This should shut her up or make you available to one that can.


----------



## jaquen

john117 said:


> Wifey - somehow similar culture as OP - does compare me to others. Especially when she passes some foreign guy driving an X5 or higher (she drives a modest X3 )


Culture can be an explanation, but it shouldn't be used as an excuse.

If it was just benign "culture", this thread wouldn't have any reason to exist. His wife would be groomed to compare, and he'd be groomed to accept her endless covetousness and unfair comparing. But here he is, feelings hurt, trying to find some way to either make it stop or move beyond it. Saying "oh it's just OK in some cultures to try and make your spouse feel like utter sh*t" isn't going to do anything to solve the problem.


----------



## Satya

If she's constantly comparing, then there's a part of her that does not value what she has or thinks it's not enough. This is especially true I find of very spoiled people (men and women alike). The more they have, the more they want. 

It's also in many people's nature to hide or cover up the less pleasant things in life, so that what others see is a perfect picture. The way I see it, typically the brighter the positive (outward) sometimes the darker the negative (inward). This is not always the case... If for instance you're good at detecting fake people, they almost always project a false mask while internally there is chaos. 

So, since you can't change her and only yourself, I'd immediately stop all the over and above nice things and just keep it basic. You won't nice your way out of this, but you can work on finding what YOU are great at, and continue to develop and improve yourself in that way. You don't need her validation... It'd be nice, yes, but you don't NEED it to live another day. 

If we were all good at everything your wife admires, then the world would be a BORING place to be. 

Sounds like she has very little respect for you.... It's for you to decide if you wish to carry on in such a relationship.


----------



## Yeswecan

nirvana said:


> She has a lot of great qualities. But then so do I. She isn't perfect, and neither am I.


The difference is you do not compare you W to other women.


----------



## MEM2020

Nirvana,

There is a way out of this mess, though not through payment in kind. 

There are two questions that, when answered provide the path out of your current situation.

The first is WHY? She is hurting you and she knows it. Why does she want to?

The other question is WHY NOT? What perhaps might be a motivating factor for HER to approach her frustrations with you differently. 

Does she really want to turn into her father? I'm guessing not. 

But the conversation that needs to happen is style wise very different than your normal conversation. 




QUOTE=nirvana;12677634]My wife has developed this new habit lately, to compare me with other men, typically husbands of her friends who are now our friends. She's been doing this for about a year because she has figured that it bugs me a lot and no one likes to be compared unfavorably.

Her trick is to compare one attribute of another guy and say how he does that well and I don't. Then some days later, she picks another attribute of a DIFFERENT guy and says how I don't measure up. She never has one shining example for me to aspire to be, it is always bits and pieces from different guys. So this one perfect male does not exist so she has cleverly constructed one in her imagination.

What she leaves out is the reason why the person displays the attribute. And because of having that attribute, how the person does something else really badly.

Examples:

Wife: Hussain is so relaxed... he is never stressed like you are. He is so calm. 
Reality: Hussain has family wealth. He works when he feels like in contract jobs. He doesn't care about medical insurance or anything mundane. His wife comes from a super rich family too. He "works" from home so has no commute, so has all the time to play tennis and other things with his kids.

Wife: Look at Kumar. He gives his wife so much "importance". He is always running after her.
Reality: Kumar is a beta wimp. His wife wears the pants in the house and she probably hates his nature.

Wife: Look at Vivek. He was out at Costco shopping with the kids.
Reality: He goes to Costco to get some "me time" away from the nagging wife. He told me this himself. My wife and I have seen him at Costco ONCE, and his wife gloats that he does it every week so my wife uses this to club me with.

Wife: Look at Raju. He bought his wife a nice expensive car, and watches and LV handbags. He loves her so much.
Reality: Raju doesn't have a great salary, they are single income and he has poured all his money in the stock market (and lost a lot) and has bought expensive cars and bags and branded clothes to keep up appearances. He is still in his townhouse with a bad school district when everyone our age has upgraded. His townhouse mortgage was underwater 2 years ago after 10 years of mortgage payments. May not have saved for retirement/kids college.


So the point is, there is not one single guy that my wife wants me to be like. She has constructed this wonderful husband/dad/partner in her mind who probably has 50 hours in a day while mere mortals like myself have only 24.

Some of you probably face this too. How do you deal with it?

1. Ignore it completely
2. Tell her to go live with any one of these awesome guys (obvious she won't as she is trying to make you jealous/guilty)
3. Prove to her that she is wrong.
4. Compare her with other ladies to get her jealous

I have tried them at various times, but she still persists as she thinks she has a weapon to prod me. It never really works because the way to make me do things is to come love me and ask me as a woman asks. Not bully or threaten me, because then I give her an internal finger.[/QUOTE]


----------



## Constable Odo

It could be worse.

She could be taking out a tailor's tape when you're fully aroused to measure length and girth for a point of comparison...


----------



## unbelievable

I would be thrilled if my wife would honestly compare me to the average husband. She would realize what a magical fairy tale existence she actually has.


----------



## nirvana

unbelievable said:


> I would be thrilled if my wife would honestly compare me to the average husband. She would realize what a magical fairy tale existence she actually has.


I ma a very active person and always looking for things to do. I never nap in the afternoons on weekends unless I am unwell. Almost all other husbands of her friends nap. Instead of complimenting me, she claims that the reason I don't sleep is because she feeds me healthy food because SHE is a hard worker unlike her friends who are lazy. ha ha

She does get slightly jealous when I say anything nice about her friends. Very defensive. I just let her talk during those times.


----------



## Anon Pink

Ugh, this kind of manipulation tactic is for children. "But all my friends can go!" "Suzy's parents bought her a car for her 16th birthday!"

its ridiculous and childish to compare your loved one to other people. Call her out on this childish behavior and tell her to grow up!


----------



## RClawson

You need to remind your wife that "Comparison is the Thief of Joy". She certainly appears to be a very unhappy person.


----------



## nirvana

I think she might get a kick out of controlling me and make me do her bidding. I am sure that she will not make me do anything harmful, it is just an ego thing. She has some friends who talk like that so this may be a me-too thing.

Yes, it is childish and I am tired of telling her to want things not because someone else has it but because it is good for her and her family. 

The root of this may be her father who is a master manipulator. He never asks for anything straight and like a man. It is in a feminine hinting sort of way. His household was all-female (no sons) except for him, so maybe that's how he turned out this way.


----------



## tech-novelist

This sounds like the joke where a guy is in a cab and the driver keeps telling him how that "Joe Schultz" was the best man ever to exist in every attribute. The passenger says "Where did you meet this unbelievably amazing man?", to which the driver says, "Oh, I never met him. I married his widow."


----------



## weightlifter

Go down in an explosion.

Did you see lisa's nipples? Her shirt was gapping and her nipples are perfect. Start singing "i wanna kiss them(you) all over... And over again."

Did you see how laura was all over her husband? He is one lucky sion of a gun. I hear her snatch can crush a walnut.


----------



## MEM2020

ROTF hyperventilating




technovelist said:


> This sounds like the joke where a guy is in a cab and the driver keeps telling him how that "Joe Schultz" was the best man ever to exist in every attribute. The passenger says "Where did you meet this unbelievably amazing man?", to which the driver says, "Oh, I never met him. I married his widow."


----------



## Lynnie1981

Sounds to me like you need a new wife! Your wife sounds like a brat.. She needs to wake up n smell some strong a#% coffee. Keeps it up she might just end up with her own friends spouses n believe me I've seen it happen before! She sounds selfish and self centered! I would turn the tables n do the same ish n see how she feels. Good luck!


----------



## ConanHub

weightlifter said:


> Go down in an explosion.
> 
> Did you see lisa's nipples? Her shirt was gapping and her nipples are perfect. Start singing "i wanna kiss them(you) all over... And over again."
> 
> Did you see how laura was all over her husband? He is one lucky sion of a gun. I hear her snatch can crush a walnut.


Lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unbelievable

In order to inspire their men to such lofty heights of greatness, their wives must have serious bedroom skills. You might suggest your wife talk to those wives and pick up some tips.


----------



## Runs like Dog

I have never heard a woman say this to me in any serious manner.


----------



## thenub

Maybe become independent like a locksmith. Kick her complaining a$$ to the curb and change the locks.


----------



## tech-novelist

Apparently I was wrong: his name was Bill Smith.

“I married his widow,” : Jokes Funny Website


----------



## alexm

My ex wife did similar things like this probably the last 4-5 years we were together. It wasn't always a comparison to a specific person (though it was occasionally), but rather a little more general.

In a nutshell, it became clear she wanted me to be somebody else. Don't dress like that, those shoes don't suit you, be more this, be less that, cut your hair like this, and on and on and on.

Every now and again I'd hear "be more like so-and-so".

She was trying to mould me into what she thought she wanted, rather than accept me for who I was, and that's trouble with a capital "T".

FWIW, there's nothing wrong with a little nudging here and there (especially when it comes to bad habits), but not to the degree that she was doing it.

In the end, she wanted me to be a different person entirely. Good thing she found a different person entirely, right?  However, she's probably started in on him by now. Its been close to 7 years.

One of the things that I love about my wife is that she doesn't do this AT ALL. She's so laissez-faire. She will tell me little things here and there, but not in a "I want you to change" way.


----------



## EllisRedding

Never had my wife do this to me and I have never done to my wife (in a negative way). Probably the only times we have done this is more pointing out the positive things in us as compared to others, but realistically neither of us really care what people around us do as it doesn't define us.


----------



## nirvana

She loves me and I love her and we are not going to divorce. At least not right now.

The problem is she has low self esteem because of historical issues and I have tried my best to help her get it back by sending her and paying for a Masters degree. I think it made a big difference and she excelled in it as I said with a 4.0 GPA. Her undergrad earlier was a disaster. She being smart just needed a mental pick me up to begin feeling like a winner. Her pregnancy and subsequent mom-ness caused her to feel like her degree was wasted, so we were back to square one after 10 years. She started to get comfortable with her super-mom role and would overdo it. She got into the habit of taking courses here and there to convince herself that she was busy and making progress towards finding a job but I knew she wasn't. Every time a friend would say "XYZ skill has great job prospects!", she would come and tell me that maybe she should take the course. I had to wake her up and tell her that those jobs needed travel and she would not be able to do it having kids. It was some state of delusion. Maybe depression and helplessness. 

I had to snap her out and many times I was a bit harsh and direct. She now blames me for it saying that I "berated" her and made her feel bad that she wasn't working, but without that shock treatement, she would not have moved out of her comfortable life playing mom with the kids growing up and needing her less and less and she inserting herself into their lives more and more because she was needy. I talked to a friend at work, he knew someone who taught job oriented courses in Info Tech, talked to my wife about it. She was hesitant because it was 4 Saturdays of all day classes. What about the kids?? I told her not to worry, kids have a dad too, not just a mom. We will manage. I bought her a laptop, paid the fee and removed all roadblocks that she herself was putting in her path. She had to struggle for a few months to find a job, but she did and is now in a full time job that she is very happy with. Her identity is not merely nirvana's wife, but based on her own achievements. She contributes to something productive and creates something everyday. She makes her own money and I hope this adds to her feeling of self-worth. I think so.

Of course, she will not thank me for anything, even in hindsight, she will just blame me for the shock treatment I gave her. Even now she brings it up once in a while. Sometimes people need it from the people they love. Her dad, that selfish wimp, would never do it, so she doesn't know about tough love.

Anyway, I didn't do it to be popular so I guess I should be okay about how things turned out.

So back to the topic, this may be another $hit test. I think my response should be just to laugh loudly and not say anything. Or say "you are right, maybe you should go live with him". But never be defensive and try to prove that I am better than him, because it is a no-win situation and I end up looking like a fool. She is smart enough to know that what she has overall is much better than what others have (mostly) but needs something to bash me on the head when she is angry, so she tries to attack what she thinks would be most effective - an attack on my manhood. If I laugh about it, it is rendered ineffective and she will stop.


----------



## thatbpguy

Be comfortable in your own skin. If it isn't good enough for her, she can always go and find someone else.


----------



## john117

What you describe is par for the course in many Asian cultures, my wife's included. 

Learn to ignore 90% of the comparisons and respond to the 10% with some wit.

Also nothing wrong being a mom with a masters degree. A few of my Indian friends did just that.


----------



## Marduk

> Hussain is so relaxed... he is never stressed like you are. He is so calm.
> Reality: Hussain has family wealth. He works when he feels like in contract jobs. He doesn't care about medical insurance or anything mundane. His wife comes from a super rich family too. He "works" from home so has no commute, so has all the time to play tennis and other things with his kids.


What she's trying to say: you're high maintenance.
What you need to say: "wife, you're contributing to my stress here and here and here. Go work on that."



> Wife: Look at Kumar. He gives his wife so much "importance". He is always running after her.
> Reality: Kumar is a beta wimp. His wife wears the pants in the house and she probably hates his nature.


What she's trying to say: you don't value me.
What you need to say: "wife, if you don't feel valued, you need to say that and then I'll look at it. This isn't the way to say that."


> Wife: Look at Vivek. He was out at Costco shopping with the kids.
> Reality: He goes to Costco to get some "me time" away from the nagging wife. He told me this himself. My wife and I have seen him at Costco ONCE, and his wife gloats that he does it every week so my wife uses this to club me with.


What she's trying to say: I want you to do more.
What you need to say: "Wife, if you're having trouble getting everything done, then come to the table with that problem and let's work on it that way. You should understand that there's a whole different reality operating there."



> Wife: Look at Raju. He bought his wife a nice expensive car, and watches and LV handbags. He loves her so much.
> Reality: Raju doesn't have a great salary, they are single income and he has poured all his money in the stock market (and lost a lot) and has bought expensive cars and bags and branded clothes to keep up appearances. He is still in his townhouse with a bad school district when everyone our age has upgraded. His townhouse mortgage was underwater 2 years ago after 10 years of mortgage payments. May not have saved for retirement/kids college.


What she's trying to say: buy me a shiny thing.
What you need to say: "wife, what does me buying a shiny thing mean to you?"

Be careful with that last one. Don't buy her a shiny thing to make her happy, buy her a shiny thing because she makes you happy.


----------



## Marduk

If it doesn't stop after all that, mirror her behaviour.

"Wife, do you know how much of a freak Hussain's wife is in the sack? I bet that's why he's so relaxed. It's, like, BJ city in his house."

Etc.


----------



## Blondilocks

Don't take the bait. Re:

Hussein: Yes he is relaxed. Must be getting plenty of action.
Kumar: Yes he does. He really likes 3 blow jobs a day.
Vivek: Yes he was. Must be gearing up for their marathon session.
Raju: Yes he does. His wife must be really something in bed.


----------



## MEM2020

All of this is focused on the mechanics of the interaction. 

In my experience, the mechanics can only be addressed after the spirit of the issue has been dealt with. 

I recognize ALL this behavior as I've been on the receiving end of it. And I too tried to handle it like a conversation with a business partner about the mechanics of what we are doing. That approach failed for me. 

Once I focused on the underlying spirit of the message and addressed THAT, 95% of this behavior disappeared. 







marduk said:


> What she's trying to say: you're high maintenance.
> What you need to say: "wife, you're contributing to my stress here and here and here. Go work on that."
> 
> 
> What she's trying to say: you don't value me.
> What you need to say: "wife, if you don't feel valued, you need to say that and then I'll look at it. This isn't the way to say that."
> 
> What she's trying to say: I want you to do more.
> What you need to say: "Wife, if you're having trouble getting everything done, then come to the table with that problem and let's work on it that way. You should understand that there's a whole different reality operating there."
> 
> 
> What she's trying to say: buy me a shiny thing.
> What you need to say: "wife, what does me buying a shiny thing mean to you?"
> 
> Be careful with that last one. Don't buy her a shiny thing to make her happy, buy her a shiny thing because she makes you happy.


----------



## john117

marduk said:


> If it doesn't stop after all that, mirror her behaviour.
> 
> "Wife, do you know how much of a freak Hussain's wife is in the sack? I bet that's why he's so relaxed. It's, like, BJ city in his house."
> 
> Etc.



That worked well for us.


----------



## Blondilocks

The underlying spirit of her messages is mean. If he let's her know where he ties his goat, she'll forever be trying to get it.


----------



## MEM2020

BL,
We are in agreement that she is being mean. 

The question then becomes why? And the answer is either:
1. She's unhappy / in distress 
OR
2. She's a sadist 

In most cases the actual answer is (1). 

He might be able to suppress her expression of it by responding in kind. But she'll still be (1) and that will manifest itself in some other manner. 

I'm suggesting that the help her understand why she is (1) and then give her the necessary support to get to a good place. 

I have tried both the strategies I'm describing. Payment in kind, and after many years of that not working, I switched to understanding and supporting. 






Blondilocks said:


> The underlying spirit of her
> messages is mean. If he let's her know where he ties his goat, she'll forever be trying to get it.


----------



## nirvana

Blondilocks said:


> Don't take the bait. Re:
> 
> Hussein: Yes he is relaxed. Must be getting plenty of action.
> Kumar: Yes he does. He really likes 3 blow jobs a day.
> Vivek: Yes he was. Must be gearing up for their marathon session.
> Raju: Yes he does. His wife must be really something in bed.


I have not been that stark about it, but maybe I should.

Her expected response most likely will be that they get all the action because they are so awesome to their wives. So their wives are happy and must be rewarding their husbands. So she will try to blame me again wanting me to be superman first.

She does have a catty streak. If I praise any of the other ladies even very mildly, she launches into an attack about how fat they are, how lazy they are how dumb they are etc. She likes to say that she is better in all respects, (so she wants me to be superman too). She is careful to only pick on the bad points of those ladies while comparing them to herself! One of the "fat" ladies is a better housekeeper while ours is a mess all the time with no nice decor and she doesn't bring that up.


----------



## john117

Sounds like my lovely if frigid wife 

There are some fights one can't generally win without a Doomsday weapon. She may have grown up upset about the status quo and now that she's in some position of power she's taking her revenge.


----------



## Marduk

MEM11363 said:


> All of this is focused on the mechanics of the interaction.
> 
> In my experience, the mechanics can only be addressed after the spirit of the issue has been dealt with.
> 
> I recognize ALL this behavior as I've been on the receiving end of it. And I too tried to handle it like a conversation with a business partner about the mechanics of what we are doing. That approach failed for me.
> 
> Once I focused on the underlying spirit of the message and addressed THAT, 95% of this behavior disappeared.


How else do you get at the spirit of it MEM?


----------



## Marduk

nirvana said:


> I have not been that stark about it, but maybe I should.
> 
> Her expected response most likely will be that they get all the action because they are so awesome to their wives. So their wives are happy and must be rewarding their husbands. So she will try to blame me again wanting me to be superman first.
> 
> She does have a catty streak. If I praise any of the other ladies even very mildly, she launches into an attack about how fat they are, how lazy they are how dumb they are etc. She likes to say that she is better in all respects, (so she wants me to be superman too). She is careful to only pick on the bad points of those ladies while comparing them to herself! One of the "fat" ladies is a better housekeeper while ours is a mess all the time with no nice decor and she doesn't bring that up.


Interesting.

So she gets to comment, and you don't.

As long as she gets to create the rules, there's no point in playing the game, because you've already lost. And that's the point of the game as it sits now.


----------



## john117

You don't if you're the OP. He's dealing with centuries of cultural artifacts that can be undone as easily as their English accent (or mine ).

Ignore it if does not result in actions from her behalf and prepare for a Doomsday solution if it does. 

But then if most of the non Desi TAM crowd had attended a Desi wedding or three you'd know all this


----------



## MEM2020

His wife is insecure AND she wants some stuff to be different than it is....

Both motivate her 'negging' behavior. 




marduk said:


> Interesting.
> 
> So she gets to comment, and you don't.
> 
> As long as she gets to create the rules, there's no point in playing the game, because you've already lost. And that's the point of the game as it sits now.


----------



## Marduk

MEM11363 said:


> His wife is insecure AND she wants some stuff to be different than it is....
> 
> Both motivate her 'negging' behavior.


Keep going, not quite picking up what you're laying down.


----------



## nirvana

john117 said:


> You don't if you're the OP. He's dealing with centuries of cultural artifacts that can be undone as easily as their English accent (or mine ).
> 
> Ignore it if does not result in actions from her behalf and prepare for a Doomsday solution if it does.
> 
> But then if most of the non Desi TAM crowd had attended a Desi wedding or three you'd know all this


So what's your story man?
Are you Indian? Or married to an Indian? If the latter, then a US raised Indian?

I think my wife is trying to rattle me because she knows that it does. Historically I have reacted adversely, so her arrows found their mark. Henceforth, I need to just LOLOLOL and even ROTFL when she says it so she knows I don't take them seriously. Getting into an argument with her is just useless.


----------



## MEM2020

Without doubt the hardest AND most important is the first one. The rest aren't actually too tough to deal with. 


Husain:
Many spouses of type A husbands want him to be:
- Less serious and more playful
- Less tense

Those truly are normal, healthy desires. This is a hard change to make but a worthwhile one. Being stressed lowers everyone's quality of life - starting with your own. Been there done that.

Kumar:
This fellows situation could be the catalyst for a healthy conversation. But it needs to be driven by a sincere desire to understand the target dynamic - not done in a 'point scoring' manner. 

For instance, does Kumars wife seem truly happy with him? Or is he chasing her because she's avoiding him? 

Is he romantic and clever, or desperate and clingy? Does she feel loved or smothered? 

Vivek:
Acts of service are one of the best barometers for how a husband feels about his wife. Generally speaking a guy who happily - yes happily - does acts of service for his wife - loves her. This statement is totally independent of whether or not he is strong or weak, whether she treats him well or poorly. 

Like all human behavior, it's important to assess context. Maybe Vivek does do this to get away from his wife. I have no idea. But if he's doing it happily, it likely feels like love to her. 

It's also true that acts of service can become the battlefield upon which a marriage bleeds out. It is possible to have this part of the marriage become a master/servant dynamic. But that isn't the norm in a loving marriage. It's more common to see in an impaired marriage where acts of service become a replacement for love. 

Raju:
This - again - can be the catalyst for a healthy discussion. Starting with an honest statement. 

I think it's great that Raju has such a generous spirit. I also believe it is sad that he and his wife have chosen to prioritize shiny symbols of social status over placing their children in better schools. 

Do you feel like you have the freedom to buy what you want? 
What would you like, that you don't have? 







nirvana said:


> My wife has developed this new habit lately, to compare me with other men, typically husbands of her friends who are now our friends. She's been doing this for about a year because she has figured that it bugs me a lot and no one likes to be compared unfavorably.
> 
> Her trick is to compare one attribute of another guy and say how he does that well and I don't. Then some days later, she picks another attribute of a DIFFERENT guy and says how I don't measure up. She never has one shining example for me to aspire to be, it is always bits and pieces from different guys. So this one perfect male does not exist so she has cleverly constructed one in her imagination.
> 
> What she leaves out is the reason why the person displays the attribute. And because of having that attribute, how the person does something else really badly.
> 
> Examples:
> 
> Wife: Hussain is so relaxed... he is never stressed like you are. He is so calm.
> Reality: Hussain has family wealth. He works when he feels like in contract jobs. He doesn't care about medical insurance or anything mundane. His wife comes from a super rich family too. He "works" from home so has no commute, so has all the time to play tennis and other things with his kids.
> 
> Wife: Look at Kumar. He gives his wife so much "importance". He is always running after her.
> Reality: Kumar is a beta wimp. His wife wears the pants in the house and she probably hates his nature.
> 
> Wife: Look at Vivek. He was out at Costco shopping with the kids.
> Reality: He goes to Costco to get some "me time" away from the nagging wife. He told me this himself. My wife and I have seen him at Costco ONCE, and his wife gloats that he does it every week so my wife uses this to club me with.
> 
> Wife: Look at Raju. He bought his wife a nice expensive car, and watches and LV handbags. He loves her so much.
> Reality: Raju doesn't have a great salary, they are single income and he has poured all his money in the stock market (and lost a lot) and has bought expensive cars and bags and branded clothes to keep up appearances. He is still in his townhouse with a bad school district when everyone our age has upgraded. His townhouse mortgage was underwater 2 years ago after 10 years of mortgage payments. May not have saved for retirement/kids college.
> 
> 
> So the point is, there is not one single guy that my wife wants me to be like. She has constructed this wonderful husband/dad/partner in her mind who probably has 50 hours in a day while mere mortals like myself have only 24.
> 
> Some of you probably face this too. How do you deal with it?
> 
> 1. Ignore it completely
> 2. Tell her to go live with any one of these awesome guys (obvious she won't as she is trying to make you jealous/guilty)
> 3. Prove to her that she is wrong.
> 4. Compare her with other ladies to get her jealous
> 
> I have tried them at various times, but she still persists as she thinks she has a weapon to prod me. It never really works because the way to make me do things is to come love me and ask me as a woman asks. Not bully or threaten me, because then I give her an internal finger.


----------



## john117

I'm European and wife is Central Asian from one of the -istan semi theocracies. Both overeducated and slightly underemployed . I have literally dozens of Indian friends and what you describe is par for the course. Same as my wife's culture. We live in an enclave in the Midwest that has a large Desi population and since my kids were in 1st grade it's all competition and comparison.


----------



## MEM2020

Marduk,

Humor me for a moment on this theme. 

calm + total focus on your partner = a good outcome





marduk said:


> Keep going, not quite picking up what you're laying down.


----------



## Marduk

MEM11363 said:


> Marduk,
> 
> Humor me for a moment on this theme.
> 
> calm + total focus on your partner = a good outcome


Maybe.

I'd just use that total focus to also be aware if she senses that you're rewarding her poor behaviour and manipulation.

Because in that case, you're only going to get more of it.


----------



## MEM2020

If you are making a sincere effort to understand your partner. No hidden agenda - just a genuine desire to know them better - you will get a good result. 

And in round one - don't analyze or debate or point out contradiction. Just listen, absorb and accept. 

And the ONLY measures of success for such a conversation are:
- The degree of transparency your partner offers
AND
- Their feeling/belief at the end of the conversation that being open with you was a good thing

If you are not calm - you do not want to begin such a conversation because when your partner says stuff that's true - but painful - your body language is going to be painful for them. They will regret opening up to you. 






marduk said:


> Maybe.
> 
> I'd just use that total focus to also be aware if she senses that you're rewarding her poor behaviour and manipulation.
> 
> Because in that case, you're only going to get more of it.


----------



## always_alone

nirvana said:


> Some of you probably face this too. How do you deal with it?
> 
> 1. Ignore it completely
> 2. Tell her to go live with any one of these awesome guys (obvious she won't as she is trying to make you jealous/guilty)
> 3. Prove to her that she is wrong.
> 4. Compare her with other ladies to get her jealous


5. She is projecting her unhappiness and dissatisfaction with herself, her life, all over you. Call her out on that. 

Not as an accusation --"you're projecting!" -- as she will probably just deny that she even knows what you're talking about. But as a question, "why are you so unhappy?"

If she continues to off-load all blame and responsibility for it onto you, gently remind her that she needs to determine even her own happiness: "what could you do that might make you happier?"


----------



## MEM2020

AA,

In theory I agree that the approach you laid out below is ideal. 

In practice a couple things are true:
- The marriage seems a little strained right now
- They've been in a bit of a power struggle 

Without having built up some goodwill first, the conversation below is likely to come across as: you need to find your own happiness

While true, it won't be constructive. 

The other approach gets her talking without triggering any defensive reaction. 

One last bit. She HAS told him he's 'too practical'. 

My view of that is it is that it was a sincere comment. She wants a happier, more playful, less serious partner. That is absolutely a valid request. And while he's welcome to assert the time honored: that's just who I am

It's also likely she will perceive that as:
'I don't care what you want'
And
'I'm simultaneously saying you're responsible for your own happiness while not managing my OWN happiness'

Indifference plus hypocrisy = blown up marriage. 








always_alone said:


> 5. She is projecting her unhappiness and dissatisfaction with herself, her life, all over you. Call her out on that.
> 
> Not as an accusation --"you're projecting!" -- as she will probably just deny that she even knows what you're talking about. But as a question, "why are you so unhappy?"
> 
> If she continues to off-load all blame and responsibility for it onto you, gently remind her that she needs to determine even her own happiness: "what could you do that might make you happier?"


----------



## john117

Methinks the esteemed TAM audience does not grasp the part about "cultural reasons"...

Attend a party with some ethnic groups and SAT scores, GPA's, scholarship amounts, and 401k status are as common as the weather. 

Now, if your exposure to such cultures is limited to eating ethnic food with an ethnic coworker once a year you will not notice much. But I have been invited to many parties, weddings, and the like from such cultures on the last 30 years. That's how they are. My kids spent 12 years each in Kumon and piano ... Many of their friends are Indian and Far East kids. Great kids, and I share their parenting approach (helicopter). 

Can you fix the wife thing? Yes. The methods recommended are spot on for the most part. But understand where the culture comes from.


----------



## jaquen

john117 said:


> Methinks the esteemed TAM audience does not grasp the part about "cultural reasons"...


"Cultural reasons" don't seem to be helping this man feel any better about his insecure, overly critical wife and her constant belittling of him.

He gets the culture. And he's still here.


----------



## MEM2020

Yes - my parents bludgeoned most of their friends with my SAT scores. My polite term is: high performance cultures

My less charitable term is unhappily competitive cultures. 

We all benefit from the result of those cultures, myself included. Those children grow up and as a group make the world a better place. So I'm grateful for them. 





john117 said:


> Methinks the esteemed TAM audience does not grasp the part about "cultural reasons"...
> 
> Attend a party with some ethnic groups and SAT scores, GPA's, scholarship amounts, and 401k status are as common as the weather.
> 
> Now, if your exposure to such cultures is limited to eating ethnic food with an ethnic coworker once a year you will not notice much. But I have been invited to many parties, weddings, and the like from such cultures on the last 30 years. That's how they are. My kids spent 12 years each in Kumon and piano ... Many of their friends are Indian and Far East kids. Great kids, and I share their parenting approach (helicopter).
> 
> Can you fix the wife thing? Yes. The methods recommended are spot on for the most part. But understand where the culture comes from.


----------



## john117

jaquen said:


> "Cultural reasons" don't seem to be helping this man feel any better about his insecure, overly critical wife and her constant belittling of him.
> 
> 
> 
> He gets the culture. And he's still here.



As do I. Been there, done that... As we say:

You can take the (ethnic) out of (ethnicistan) but you can't take (ethnicistan) out of the (ethnic).

The competition part is also between guys no matter what they say. Not to pick on my friends from India... I had four people from my company quit and move to a competitor. Fate had a good sense of humor and all four ended up in the same office. Three of the four married second generation Indians in the USA, all MD's. No competition . The fourth guy was dead broke as he was helping his family and pretty much went crazy listening to the other three. 

None of that excuses OP's wife obviously so I suggest that a brutal talk takes place...


----------



## nirvana

John's right. A lot of Indian gatherings have topics turn towards job, kids, their college, etc. "My daughter just got into Stanford for Medical! Full scholarship!!" is a common thing for dads to gloat about. I am not in that group yet since mine are still small. Wives gloating about their husband's education ("My husband went to IIT!") is common. IITs are a set of top Engineering schools in India. Then they boast about husband's job titles. "Shyam just became VP!". Then all the other ladies bludgeon their husbands about it, especially the ones with low esteem. Or "We are buying a new house! $950k!". There is no end to this race, so I prefer not to fall for the bait to play.

We had one friend put her kid in the basement during one summer to do workbooks so that he could get into a school for "smarter" kids in the district. He did get in, but so did my son and I ensured that we stayed away from such methods. My wife suggested that she should but I resisted and she did not force. The other kid has now become an introvert who wants to play by himself all the time.


----------



## Marduk

nirvana said:


> John's right. A lot of Indian gatherings have topics turn towards job, kids, their college, etc. "My daughter just got into Stanford for Medical! Full scholarship!!" is a common thing for dads to gloat about. I am not in that group yet since mine are still small. Wives gloating about their husband's education ("My husband went to IIT!") is common. IITs are a set of top Engineering schools in India. Then they boast about husband's job titles. "Shyam just became VP!". Then all the other ladies bludgeon their husbands about it, especially the ones with low esteem. Or "We are buying a new house! $950k!". There is no end to this race, so I prefer not to fall for the bait to play.
> 
> We had one friend put her kid in the basement during one summer to do workbooks so that he could get into a school for "smarter" kids in the district. He did get in, but so did my son and I ensured that we stayed away from such methods. My wife suggested that she should but I resisted and she did not force. The other kid has now become an introvert who wants to play by himself all the time.


Sounds like you need new friends.


----------



## john117

marduk said:


> Sounds like you need new friends.



They're all like that for the most part.

Ironically a guy who worked with me in the early 90's had a very modest upbringing. He did not attend an IIT but was a "donation seat" (lol look it up) to a ho hum school. Came to the USA and attended an equally ho hum grad school. He saw the coming of SAP and got in on the ground floor. Went back to India and he's CTO for a 1500 people firm earning very serious money. Still lives modestly.

That's the kind of people you want to have as friends.


----------



## nirvana

ha ha ha John, I am impressed!
you know the most Indian of terms!!


----------



## john117

True that. But to be honest Indian women have always been a mystery to me. They are complex creatures. Guys I can relate well with but women are not as approachable as I would like. 

But they're pretty, the ones that keep up with the maintenance and such look great regardless of age. 

I think the issue is expectations and upbringing. I have a lot of the same at home, and I kind of feel that women from that part of the world who come to America for school / work are generally wealthy upbringing and have great expectations. Some women from lower incomes / modest upbringing may well compromise but the 1%'ers may not.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

I got that once. I said, "Well, go marry him and I'll go marry someone who doesn't b**** about their choices."


----------



## nirvana

Honestly, I think Indian women these days are a confused lot. They don't want to be like their mothers who were mainly SAHMs and didn't have much say household decisions, and some were even treated badly by their husbands. Their mothers were not highly educated beyond high school or an under-graduate degree and most likely never worked in a job. Today's women under 45 are educated, many have held jobs and do not put up with the bs that their mothers had to.

Many were exposed to western influences as well, either through work or through education. Some got to think that Indian men are not good but western guys are. I can go into reasons why they might think that way, but not now. Materialism is high these days in India because of the inflow of easy money since 2000. 

Many want to be asked out or wooed, but don't know how to react when a guy actually musters up the courage to ask them out. They could get treated as "eve-teasers" or harassers. Things are getting better I am told. 

Another trend is that the best looking Indian women usually get "taken" at 21-22 in India. The Indian women who end up coming to the US for education are mostly the ones who are either super driven and ambitious or who did not find a guy. I have been asked by Americans as to why the Indian women in grad school are not all that good looking and this is the reason that I told them. Of course, exceptions exist.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Anon Pink said:


> *Ugh, this kind of manipulation tactic is for children. "But all my friends can go!" "Suzy's parents bought her a car for her 16th birthday!"*
> 
> its ridiculous and childish to compare your loved one to other people. Call her out on this childish behavior and tell her to grow up!


This comparison thing can go either way. My parents would like to use other CERTAIN other teenagers to tell me how good I had it. But there were other teenagers who had it better than I did. No mention of them at all.

Also, interestingly enough, my (future) husband had taken me to task on a matter that I felt he was being unfair about. When I learned that his just a friend ex had engaged in similar behavior he tried to tell me that he didn't see it that way. But when I told him I was going to have words with her about it, suddenly all that ridicule that he heaped upon me got sublimated into "it was just a joke."

Nirvana, I'm wondering if your wife will do that to you.

And also, let's never be blind to the more subltle ways that people can compare you (unfavorably) to others.


----------



## NextTimeAround

MEM11363 said:


> *Yes - my parents bludgeoned most of their friends with my SAT scores. My polite term is: high performance cultures*
> 
> My less charitable term is unhappily competitive cultures.
> 
> We all benefit from the result of those cultures, myself included. Those children grow up and as a group make the world a better place. So I'm grateful for them.


My parents were like that as well but with a different twist. they liked telling people where I went to school - prep school for high school; the degrees that I have; the study abroad and I finally realised that it was their subtle way of saying "see how much money I spent on my child."

ETA: I know at least once my mother said after listing out the educational part of my resume /CV, "I spent all this money on her and I still don't see what I got for it." She has since told me that she doesn't remember having said that.


----------



## john117

Nothing wrong with high performance cultures per se. My girls have had phenomenal success in college so far but not at the expense of sanity. Work hard, play hard.

It's something they have to want to do. If it makes Dad proud, even better


----------

