# Why back to first loves and ex-spouses happen



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I realised something today. It sort of surprised me.

I think I understand why affairs with first loves and ex-spouses can happen.

I was in a fairly self-analytical frame of mind this morning whilst walking to work and I realised that_* I am still in love with almost all of my previous girl friends.*_

It's like that view you suddenly accidentally get of all the programmes you are running, or all the web tabs you have open when you make the wrong click on a multi-button mouse. When they all appeared like a 3-D layer of different images of each page or document. If you know what I mean.

The love I feel for them is not something I feel all the time, but it is still there, like a computer programme that is constantly running in the background.

If when I had been going through the heartache of my wife's affair and I'd met with at least one particular former girl friend and she had made an interest in rekindling our romance, would I have done so? I am afraid I probably might have. Speaking honestly about this.

So, when someone is going through a tough time with their spouse and an old love appears, I could see problems developing that could put the marriage at great risk.

Anyone else got any thoughts on this?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I think having loved before gives us the capacity to love more, MattMatt. I sometimes think we're the sum total of all our previous relationships, good and bad, because we either take something positive from them or learn one of life's many lessons.

I still think of my first love with great feeling, and probably always will. However, I'm not the same person I was all those years ago, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I think old flames have the potential to blow right through boundaries that would make you stop strangers cold in their tracks. 

Once someone has a place in your heart they pretty much always will. How you feel about it may change, but their place holder I don't think ever really completely goes away.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I think having loved before gives us the capacity to love more, MattMatt. I sometimes think we're the sum total of all our previous relationships, good and bad, because we either take something positive from them or learn one of life's many lessons.
> 
> I still think of my first love with great feeling, and probably always will. However, I'm not the same person I was all those years ago, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either.





> I'm not the same person I was all those years ago, and I'm pretty sure he isn't either


*But in our minds they probably are. Especially if our present relationship is going sour...*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There's one previous girl friend I still think of a lot. We broke up in 1982. Even though she sent me a Dear John letter, I do still think of her. Sort of stuck, perhaps because of how it ended? Maybe.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My Ex(mother of my sons) divorced in 1998 because she was a corporate climber and ended up sleeping with a company VP to get a big promotion, although she denies it despite the more than damning circumstantial evidence. She got a huge raise out of it, and I'm sure that she gave her VP one as well!

She didn't really like it when I got remarried in 2004. And now that I'm currently engaged in a most contentious divorce with "Miss 2004," my Ex is one of the biggest cheerleaders in my getting out of this second marriage.

Truth be told, she'd absolutely do handstands to be able to rehook back up with me. I've remained friendly, but rather distant toward her, mostly talking to her only about the welfare of our college aged sons. And I wouldn't reconsider a relationship with her anymore than the man in the moon~ she cheated on me, denied it, lied about it and she has had her chance. The only care that I have for her is now is simply that she is the mother of my two wonderful sons~nothing more, nothing less!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> My Ex(mother of my sons) divorced in 1998 because she was a corporate climber and ended up sleeping with a company VP to get a big promotion, although she denies it despite the more than damning circumstantial evidence. She got a huge raise out of it, and I'm sure that she gave her VP one as well!
> 
> She didn't really like it when I got remarried in 2004. And now that I'm currently engaged in a most contentious divorce with "Miss 2004," my Ex is one of the biggest cheerleaders in my getting out of this second marriage.
> 
> Truth be told, she'd absolutely do handstands to be able to rehook back up with me. I've remained friendly, but rather distant toward her, mostly talking to her only about the welfare of our college aged sons. And I wouldn't reconsider a relationship with her anymore than the man in the moon~ she cheated on me, denied it, lied about it and she has had her chance. The only care that I have for her is now is simply that she is the mother of my two wonderful sons~nothing more, nothing less!


That's a good point, you raise. I wasn't cheated on by any of them. Dumped, but not cheated on. Oh, that makes me feel sooo much better! Not!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That's a good point, you raise. I wasn't cheated on by any of them. Dumped, but not cheated on. Oh, that makes me feel sooo much better! Not!


How do you think that makes me feel? I'm batting 2 for 2; 2 marriages- 2 cheaters. Makes me just violently shudder to think about if I should ever reach the threshold of even entertaining embarking upon a third marriage, of what my track record truly is. And even as a Christian man, I will, no doubt, come to have trust issues in the months ahead, when I'll give due reconsideration to placing myself back in the dating field once again.

At times, it really makes me think that there is something within my psychological/physiological makeup that has caused two cheating wives to stray, and having said that, I damn well do not want to live to see a third!


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I think because you share special happy moments with your ex. It is that same reason being close friends with ex lovers is a no no. Something need to have limitations.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> How do you think that makes me feel? I'm batting 2 for 2; 2 marriages- 2 cheaters. Makes me just violently shudder to think about if I should ever reach the threshold of even entertaining embarking upon a third marriage, of what my track record truly is. And even as a Christian man, I will, no doubt, come to have trust issues in the months ahead, when I'll give due reconsideration to placing myself back in the dating field once again.
> 
> At times, it really makes me think that there is something within my psychological/physiological makeup that has caused two cheating wives to stray, and having said that, I damn well do not want to live to see a third!


My batting average is no that good either, really. Dumped for a rich man (he was a broke ex-con, in reality) then dumped for a woman (Ouch!) and well, and so on.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

MattMatt, I think there's some truth to what you say. When I was dating my ex-husband, I asked him how many times he had been in love before me. He answered, "once". I assumed it was with his ex-wife, as he had been married once previously. He said no, it was with his college girlfriend.

Guess who his affair was with that broke up our marriage and hers? Yep.

I've been in love once since my divorce, and that relationshp broke up in spectactular fashion due to his actions, and he hurt me more than I can possibly put into words. But I still love him, and that's beyond stupid. And, I'm a smart woman. But being smart really doesn't have much to do with matters of the heart. I think that's why we are all here!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well,
I don't know, maybe I'm from Mars?

I have lots of ex girlfriends, and I have NEVER found myself thinking that I'm still in love with any of them.
NO WAY!
When I walk away,there is absolutely no way I'm looking back and wishing.
I remember the sex sometimes, but what I remember most is the reason we split.
And I think to myself that it makes no sense giving that person another chance to F-up my life again.

Even if my marriage was in trouble, an ex would not even know.
There are some exes that cannot even speak to me, because I have only contempt for them.

My wife deserves more my undivided attention, I have no time for them.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I realised something today. It sort of surprised me.
> 
> I think I understand why affairs with first loves and ex-spouses can happen.
> 
> ...


Being honest, I'm a bit surprised you said this.

I couldn't care less about past girlfriends. Even the only one I slept with (lots tried).

After 24 years with my wife I cannot imagine still feeling something for a woman I haven't seen for a quarter of a century.

I'm not being "holier than thou" - I just don't understand.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The love I feel for them is not something I feel all the time, but it is still there, like a computer programme that is constantly running in the background.


They're called D(a)emons for a reason, best keep them running in the background.

I don't even remember most of their names or faces.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Chris989 said:


> After 24 years with my wife I cannot imagine still feeling something for a woman I haven't seen for a quarter of a century.
> 
> I'm not being "holier than thou" - I just don't understand.


You know - until my EA I was just like this. I didn't really give my old GF's any thought at all. 

Then I got a friend request from one that I literally had not thought of in 20+ years and she walked right through every boundary I ever thought about having. No way someone that I hadn't had a thing for before could have done that. 

I don't think, at least for me, it's so much that they hold an active place, but rather that they have the potential to step back in and pick up right where they left off if you're not careful. 

I was, and still am, shocked and horrified by how quickly and easily she was able to get to me.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i dont personally have an infidelity issues in my marriage... BUT.. i do think about a particular ex often. we had much more similar interests than me and my hubs do. when i see commercials for "walking dead" i have the though.. "man.. if i was still with ___, we would totally watch that together.. zombie freaks". 

if i see something i know he'd like, i think about him. i'm actually FB friends with him, but i'm extremly careful and rarley/never post anything or "like" anything of his. he's also married now.. but our marriages now can never erase the memories and good times we had. it happens... it's just part of human nature.. you just gotta keep yourself in check.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I would rather run my X over with my car! Yeah it was that bad. No feelings other then hate for him


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am more curious about the girls I never dated but whom I wanted to. Girls I was friends with and wanted to date me (in high school and college) but we were never single at the same time.

My one significant ex-gf was a terrific person, and her parents treated me like a member of the family. She was right to dump me, as I was a wimpy Nice Guy. I do have fond appreciation of her, but zero interest in rekindling a relationship.

Perhaps it is about "unfinished business" with an ex if one has an affair with them.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

This sort of thing is why social networking sites should be off limits for married couples. The past should remain the past. Unfortunately today, the past can IM you


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> This sort of thing is why social networking sites should be off limits for married couples. The past should remain the past. Unfortunately today, the past can IM you


Or in the case of my STBXW, you can simply IM it!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't love my exes.

There are a few I have some lovely memories of, of things we shared. I also know they are exes for a reason. Either they hurt me, or I broke up with them for good reason.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I could deal with the leaving me for a woman thing. At least the movies I play in my head would be more interesting lmao.:rofl:


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i love the memory of my hs sweetheart.not the man himself.I wonder if people don't realize the difference between being in love with a time in your life rather than still loving the person?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

This thread frightens me; not because I'm on board with this (I think nothing of my exes. Nothing at all.), but because I am now thinking what if my HUSBAND is like this, too? I mean, what if he's 'still in love with all his ex-girlfriends'? Or is still on some level in love with his first wife? I think if I were to find that out, it would wallop me, just like the discovery of an affair would. And I'm not sure I'd ever get past it. 

It pains me to read this... But believe me, I'm certainly NEVER going to ask him this question!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> *i love the memory *of my hs sweetheart.not the man himself.I wonder if people don't realize the difference between being in love with a time in your life rather than still loving the person?


Maybe there's something wrong with me; I don't even feel this! I mean, I certainly don't wish any of them any harm (well, maybe one ), but I don't stroll down memory lane and get all misty eyed with memories, either...For me, it's like a book. Once I finish it, I don't pick it back up and re-read it.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Don't know what to say. All I had before marriage was a few "acquaintances", then what I thought was my "first love".
Now that that has washed out, I guess what goes around comes around since I'm back to acquaintances.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Maybe there's something wrong with me; I don't even feel this! I mean, I certainly don't wish any of them any harm (well, maybe one ), but I don't stroll down memory lane and get all misty eyed with memories, either...For me, it's like a book. Once I finish it, I don't pick it back up and re-read it.


i don't do that either.but if I hear a song from that time or smell a certain scent or perfume from that time,I remember it and him and smile.then move on.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> i love the memory of my hs sweetheart.not the man himself.I wonder if people don't realize the difference between being in love with a time in your life rather than still loving the person?


Good point, SB.

I love the memory of my first BF, and the positive part he played in my life. Realistically, I know I'm not still 'in love' with him, because there is now a lifetime between us, but the love for what he meant to me back then, and the gratitude for the time we spent together, will never die.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Being honest, I'm a bit surprised you said this.
> 
> I couldn't care less about past girlfriends. Even the only one I slept with (lots tried).
> 
> ...


I don't understand this, either, to be perfectly honest.:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I could deal with the leaving me for a woman thing. At least the movies I play in my head would be more interesting lmao.:rofl:


You'd think that. But the reality was it hurt me so much I didn't even date for about 4 years or so after we broke up.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You'd think that. But the reality was it hurt me so much I didn't even date for about 4 years or so after we broke up.


I guess this affects people in different ways, but I'm guessing that the majority of men would have an easier time dealing with this rather than a heterosexual affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> I guess this affects people in different ways, but I'm guessing that the majority of men would have an easier time dealing with this rather than a heterosexual affair.


But you can always 'out man' any other man. (In your own mind, that is.)

But how can a man 'out man' another woman? It doesn't work, it can't work.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

My boyfriend has a few of his exes on FB, but he rarely is ever on. The only ex he talks to is his ex-wife, and that's pertaining to their son only.

I don't think or have feelings for any of my ex-boyfriends. One of them, I was with for 5 years (although long distance). I have my first ex on FB, and we still talk occasionally, about once every several months to catch up. 

Certain places and songs do remind me of them, but that's where it ends. They are exes for a reason, and there's a reason why we broke up. I wouldn't go back to them even if I were single.

But then again, I was the one who broke up with them, so I don't know if there is a difference?


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I realised something today. It sort of surprised me.
> 
> I think I understand why affairs with first loves and ex-spouses can happen.
> 
> ...


My theory on this is that once you love someone you always love someone. I learned this once I broke up with a former girlfriend and could not get her out of my psyche - until it occurred to me "why am I trying" and I just accepted her being in my psyche. Then it occurred to me that I care about her even though she is no longer in my life. I realize that is what differentiates us from the animals - we care. That once I care about someone - I always do. So I stopped trying to get her out of my mind and just accepted it and it was okay. 

This time its different - there is betrayal of the highest level - I feel like I never want to see her again. What I am realizing is - endings matter!! 
Could not care less if I ever saw her again - in fact I prefer it!


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## mdd2703 (Oct 30, 2012)

I'd leave my wife of three years right this second for another chance with my first love...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ex-wife and I talked about this long before divorce. She said she had no feelings for her xH. I told her I didn't believe it. You can't have a child with someone and not have any feelings. It's not normal.

She did not understand it wasn't an accusation or mistrust, just a fact or what a liar she was. I think maybe she was a very good liar.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I also think that over time people forget why they left the ex boyfriend or girlfriend etc I read an article about that most women would prefer to get with an old flame versus someone new if they were to have an affair or just sex , since I am not a woman I cant answer that i thought the concept made sense


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

mdd2703 said:


> I'd leave my wife of three years right this second for another chance with my first love...


Really sad.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Really sad.


Indeed. First post on TAM, in CWI, in a thread about old flames. Not hard to figure what's on the posters mind...


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## mdd2703 (Oct 30, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Indeed. First post on TAM, in CWI, in a thread about old flames. Not hard to figure what's on the posters mind...


Quite, this has been on my mind for a couple of days now, it'll not happen, but right now that's how I feel about my marriage...

I've been unfaithful with my wife previously which she is fully aware of, that was the first time in any relationship I've ever been unfaithful...

I'm not a serial adulterer, but this is how I feel about this particular topic...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Let her go, man.
She deserves a man who loves her fully.
Someone who won't cheat on her (you are married only for three years, for heaven's sake) and secretly loves another woman.
Be honest.
Man up.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

He's trolling


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

The only ex I feel "love" for is the one I also "hate" the most and drove me to this site. I don't want him back but you can't just flush nearly 10 years of history and love (even if the love was a sham) down the drain in two months time. I am still quite young and this is the first time I've been single in my adult life. So my other "exes" are from my early teen years.

Still, even then I showed bad taste in boys/men. I hadn't spoken to any of my exes in all the years I was with my current ex. However, one just contacted me on FB a month ago. I was 9 months pregnant then! The first time we spoke in over a decade and he tried to have cyber-sex with me, using the same pick-up lines he'd used on me back then. That one is definitely staying in the past, with the rest of my exes where he belongs.


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## mdd2703 (Oct 30, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> He's trolling


I am not trolling, I came on here because of my feelings around my spouse... The only person getting trolled is her!!!

Our marriage has been bad for a while, we have been trying to conceive for some time unsuccessfully, the only time we ever have sex is when it happens to be around ovulation, even then it's a chore and just a means to an end...
I'm not allowed to instigate sex, this has to be her choice and only then will we be allowed to do it...
I am working 6/7 days a week to provide for us, she does work around the house, that is all... I feel like I am just a machine for providing for her and her family!!!

Now, this is how I feel about our marriage... Add to the mix, that I have feelings for my first love...

I am not a troll...


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

My first relationship lasted 4 years and slowly fizzled out when we went to different universities. I hadn't really thought of him until my husband cheated. Now he pops into my mind a lot. I guess I'm wondering where I'd be if that first relationship had lasted.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

mdd2703 - so what are you going to do about it? Have you had these feelings about your first love your whole marriage or have they reappeared?

If this is how you really feel shouldn't you resolve to either fix your marriage or end it amicably?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

mdd2703 said:


> Quite, this has been on my mind for a couple of days now, it'll not happen, but right now that's how I feel about my marriage...
> 
> I've been unfaithful with my wife previously which she is fully aware of, that was the first time in any relationship I've ever been unfaithful...
> 
> I'm not a serial adulterer, but this is how I feel about this particular topic...


So you've been physically unfaithful and now you're emotionally unfaithful.

Yeah, let her go. Move on. It will be a favor to you both.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

mdd2703, start you own thread.


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