# Wife told me about her past...not good



## q79

Well, my wife and I have been married for about 18 months, but we have been together for 10 years, living together and baiscally married without the paperwork and pictures. I am late 30s she is early 30s. When we met she was still living at home.

So we decided to go through with getting married, so obviously everything was going great. Around the time of our wedding, a month or so before, she lost interest in sex. I chalked it up to just stress and jitters or whatever and didn't think much of it. However, after the week of the wedding, it went right back to that. No sex at all. She just lost interest. I talked to her about it several times over the ensuing months, and she would always chalk it up to being tired or thinking maybe she had some hormonal issue. So I didn't get upset about it or anything, but I didn't like it very much either. I just rode it out and figured it would sort itself out.

A few months ago, she tells me she is going to see a therapist, she wants to talk about some issues she is having. She insists that the issues have nothing to do with me. So I say ok, but she doesn't want to talk to me about whatever it is. I have no choice but to just kind of roll with it.

A couple of weeks ago she decides she wants to talk to me now. I guess this therapist told her she needed to clear the air or whatever. I knew she had sexual partners in the past, I didn't really care, just about everyone does. She didn't seem to be really experienced or anything so I never thought to ask about it. I guess I just didn't care but it seems like maybe I should have.

She tells me that she had 13 sexual partners before me, at the age of 21. Ok, that is a pretty big number and I was surprised by it, but it is water under the bridge at this point. Then she says that she had never had a boyfriend before, which obviously means that all of these partners were just meaningless sex. Which bothered me to hear, but again its water under the bridge. 

Now the things that do bother me. She told me that she was using drugs for 4 years, meth to be specific. I had no idea about this. Well this bothers me a lot. I have never done anything like myself. She said that she was using it right up until we met, and stopped right away. I never saw any signs of drug use. Kind of hard to digest this information, I just didn't know what to think. Its like I married someone I didn't even know. I am totally against drugs in every way, I hate people that do them, I hate the scummy lifestyle, all of it. But I figured well if she quit that easily maybe it isn't as bad as I had thought.

Moving on she informed me that she had only ever had sex because of the drugs. I don't know if that means while using drugs or with her friends who used drugs, whatever. Obviously I had kind of assumed that. I mean all of this is difficult to just accept. Like how did I not know? Or would I have not dated her knowing this? There is more to it though. She explained that all but one of these guys were associates of hers, they weren't just random guys off the street. Kind of like they had this sort of a clique and there were a few women in it, and they basically just did whatever with whoever I guess. Sounds like some real scumbags. She told me that to her sex was just something you do, that it had no meaning.

Here is the big thing. This other guy was some older dude she met once, then decided to hang out with and do drugs. According to her, this guy intentionally got her pregnant. I guess he did it and then bragged about it to her immediately afterwards. So she had an abortion. This was about 9 months before we started dating. I used to see her around all the time, never really talked to her or anything. So in essence I have seen my wife pregnant by some other guy, a druggie loser. 

I don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like someone kicked me in the gut. It sounds bad but I love my wife. I take it seriously. I feel like at this point if I didn't know by now, I shouldn't have been told. But obviously I should have been told and had I known all of this, obviously I would not have had anything to do with this person.

She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them. 

I don't want to leave my wife, as stupid as it sounds. It's just so much. I don't know that I can ever look at her the same way again. I don't know what to do at this point. She swears it was just a phase, but 4 years is a long phase. All of this behavior, giving out sex to whoever was around, it disgusts me. Obviously something that I thought was special means nothing to her.

Sorry for writing a novel but I needed to explain.


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## TAMAT

q79,

Who are the OM or are there also OW, do any live close by. If so you may have to move people on drugs will try to tap everyone they know for money, a place to sleep etc.

Your W is also at risk of relapsing into her drug habit. 

Tamat


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## TAMAT

q79,

Depending on the state you may be able to get an annulment.

Tamat


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## q79

TAMAT said:


> q79,
> 
> Who are the OM or are there also OW, do they any live close by. If so you may have to move people on drugs will try to tap everyone they know for money, a place to sleep etc.
> 
> Your W is also at risk of relapsing into her drug habit.
> 
> Tamat


No we moved away years ago for my work. She doesn't have facebook or any of that. As far as I know she has had no contact with any of those people in years. She said she never had anything with another woman, but had female friends who were on drugs and lived basically the same lifestyle.


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## GusPolinski

Love or not, I don't think I'd be able to continue in marriage with someone who has such an unhealthy view of sex.

Also, you should probably get to your doc's office and get tested for pretty much everything.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

OP- I was a drug addict for roughly the same amount of time when I was in my teens. I haven't touched it since and I'm not the same person I was then. She's been clean for 10 years. Who you know is who your wife is. Try to focus on the woman that you know and not who she used to be.


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## q79

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OP- I was a drug addict for roughly the same amount of time when I was in my teens. I haven't touched it since and I'm not the same person I was then. She's been clean for 10 years. Who you know is who your wife is. Try to focus on the woman that you know and not who she used to be.


Although I do not doubt any of that, the fact that she neglected to mention any of this is really bad. I understand that these things can be difficult to bring up but come on. Any one of these things would have been a deal breaker on day one. The problem is I ended up falling in love with this person, false pretences or not. I thought we always had a great relationship. I guess it was not that great at all.


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## Yeswecan

I know of a heroin addict that was on the stuff for a solid 2 years. Did all kinds of things that he is not proud of. Ended up in a 13 month program to get clean. When getting clean and sober he found Jesus. Went to a Biblical college. He now pastors a church with 4000 in the congregation. The entire church just moved into a 2 million dollar facility because the church keeps growing. He has a W and 3 kids. Point is, his past make no difference to his W, kids or congregation. Look at your W now. Who she is and not was.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

q79 said:


> Although I do not doubt any of that, the fact that she neglected to mention any of this is really bad. I understand that these things can be difficult to bring up but come on. Any one of these things would have been a deal breaker on day one. The problem is I ended up falling in love with this person, false pretences or not. I thought we always had a great relationship. I guess it was not that great at all.


This is fair as well. You are entitled to your emotions and feelings about it, they aren't wrong. 

I don't tell most people about my past, drugs or sexual partners. I just don't care to and it's not relevant to who I am now. But then I also don't pick people who would have my past as a deal breaker and if she knew hers would be for you then she was wrong to not let you know.


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## Yeswecan

q79 said:


> Although I do not doubt any of that, the fact that she neglected to mention any of this is really bad. I understand that these things can be difficult to bring up but come on. Any one of these things would have been a deal breaker on day one. The problem is I ended up falling in love with this person, false pretences or not. I thought we always had a great relationship. I guess it was not that great at all.


Don't think she neglected anything. The right question were not asked from the looks of it. :scratchhead:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yeswecan said:


> Don't think she neglected anything. The right question were not asked from the looks of it. :scratchhead:


See, I also agree with this. IMO if past sexual history or other history is important to someone, ask your potential partner.


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## Yeswecan

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> See, I also agree with this. IMO if past sexual history or other history is important to someone, ask your potential partner.


That is how I handled it with my W. I did not care of past sexual history. None of my business. Served me will in my 23 years married to my W.


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## ButtPunch

Yes OP did you ask her?


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## q79

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> See, I also agree with this. IMO if past sexual history or other history is important to someone, ask your potential partner.


I guess this is true, but I never imagined I was dating someone fresh off of a drug habit. It just isn't a question I would have thought to have asked.

I suppose all of the issues seem very uncommon to me. I don't know anyone who has ever had a drug habit, so I never thought to ask. I never thought I would end up dating someone with those views on sex, they seem very uncommon to me. These are questions I simply never would have thought about. To me, a past pregnancy is not something you neglect to mention, eventually I would find out. This could have an impact on future ability to have children, this is something that should have been brought up voluntarily.

No way am I at fault here.


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## Wolf1974

q79 said:


> Although I do not doubt any of that, the fact that she *neglected to mention any of this is really bad*. I understand that these things can be difficult to bring up but come on. Any one of these things would have been a deal breaker on day one. The problem is I ended up falling in love with this person, false pretences or not. I thought we always had a great relationship. I guess it was not that great at all.


here is the part that I bet is really bothering you. She didn't neglect to mention anything. She deliberately withheld information that's she knew would upset you and change your opinion of her. Then soon as your married, and she has you, she comes clean.

You have been lied to. You know it you're just trying to process that for 10 years she kept this all from you. I would be pissed as well.


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## Yeswecan

ButtPunch said:


> Yes OP did you ask her?





> I don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like someone kicked me in the gut. It sounds bad but I love my wife. I take it seriously. I feel like at this point if I didn't know by now, I shouldn't have been told. But obviously I should have been told and had I known all of this, obviously I would not have had anything to do with this person.


Appears he did not as it it "obvious" he should have been told. The reality is the questions were not asked.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

q79 said:


> I guess this is true, but I never imagined I was dating someone fresh off of a drug habit. It just isn't a question I would have thought to have asked.
> 
> I suppose all of the issues seem very uncommon to me. I don't know anyone who has ever had a drug habit, so I never thought to ask. I never thought I would end up dating someone with those views on sex, they seem very uncommon to me. These are questions I simply never would have thought about. To me, a past pregnancy is not something you neglect to mention, eventually I would find out. This could have an impact on future ability to have children, this is something that should have been brought up voluntarily.
> 
> No way am I at fault here.


Would she have known this? That you are so against these things? 

I rarely tell people but I date people who wouldn't have issue with my past or my sex life so it just doesn't matter. If I met someone who was against anyone who had done drugs or had casual sex then I'd not be with them because clearly we aren't a match. 

Her mistake in not telling you would be based on if she knew you were against these things.


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## WorkingOnMe

So, she was essentially owned and passed around by a gang, is that what I'm hearing? Would you say she was having sex with all these guys in exchange for the drugs? Personally I'm not against prostitution per se, but that doesn't mean I'd be willing to be married to one. This whole story just seems to remind me of the TV show Sons of Anarchy where there were girls (called hangarounds) that were there and available to any club member who cared to use them, and in exchange they got to be part of the group and get drugs. This is what you want to be married to? And she then casually dismisses your concerns? Funny, if that's not a deal breaker then I imagine nothing is. And all while she's denying you sex and intimacy.


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## q79

Yeswecan said:


> Appears he did not as it it "obvious" he should have been told. The reality is the questions were not asked.


These are unusual circumstances that nobody would think to ask about. I don't believe many people even have a history like this. I've never known anyone with a drug habit before. Not to mention everything that comes with it. I refuse to believe that this is my fault.


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## q79

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Would she have known this? That you are so against these things?
> 
> I rarely tell people but I date people who wouldn't have issue with my past or my sex life so it just doesn't matter. If I met someone who was against anyone who had done drugs or had casual sex then I'd not be with them because clearly we aren't a match.
> 
> Her mistake in not telling you would be based on if she knew you were against these things.


It would have become clear very early on that these things would have changed my perception of her. She said she didn't tell me for exactly that reason, that she thought I was a nice guy and didn't want me to run off. She says that even now it was hard to talk about.


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## GuyInColorado

Ask yourself... "Is the ****ing I'm getting worth the ****ing I'm taking?"

I feel for you. I found out my fiancee was using heroin/meth and whatever else she could get her hands on a month ago. I cancelled the wedding and now just observing if she is going to get her **** together. I hate drugs and alcohol more than anything. I'm 5 weeks out from busting her and I replay it in my head daily. I'm sure you can't get it out of your head either.


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## ConanHub

So why did she stop having sex with you?


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## q79

WorkingOnMe said:


> So, she was essentially owned and passed around by a gang, is that what I'm hearing? Would you say she was having sex with all these guys in exchange for the drugs? Personally I'm not against prostitution per se, but that doesn't mean I'd be willing to be married to one. This whole story just seems to remind me of the TV show Sons of Anarchy where there were girls (called hangarounds) that were there and available to any club member who cared to use them, and in exchange they got to be part of the group and get drugs. This is what you want to be married to? And she then casually dismisses your concerns? Funny, if that's not a deal breaker then I imagine nothing is. And all while she's denying you sex and intimacy.


Supposedly it wasn't like that. It was a group of people and they had short relationships of whatever kind. Like a few months here, a few weeks there. She said they "just traded people out". Those were her exact words. And I asked her if she was having sex for drugs and she said no, but if you are having sex with someone who brought drugs then that seems to be the same thing to me.


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## samyeagar

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This is fair as well. You are entitled to your emotions and feelings about it, they aren't wrong.
> 
> I don't tell most people about my past, drugs or sexual partners. I just don't care to and it's not relevant to who I am now. But then I also don't pick people who would have my past as a deal breaker and if she knew hers would be for you then she was wrong to not let you know.


I agree with this thought in principle, however the past often has ways of creeping into the present. This story has some strong similarities to my wife's background, though my wife had some things even more extreme when it comes to the sex and drugs. The difference is, she was open about things from the get go. She never hid anything. That said, I never asked any prompting questions...present circumstances kind of forced her into revealing things, largely because she rightfully wanted to control the narrative rather than have other people bring things up and completely blindside me. And we are talking about things that never in a million years would I have ever though to ask a person, but here they were right in my face through no prompting prodding or fault of my own.

All that said, I think had things with my wife unfolded the way they have in this case, with everything coming out post marriage, completely blindsiding me, I am not sure how I would have dealt with things. As it was, it was tough enough, and almost unmanageable.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

q79 said:


> It would have become clear very early on that these things would have changed my perception of her. She said she didn't tell me for exactly that reason, that she thought I was a nice guy and didn't want me to run off. She says that even now it was hard to talk about.


She needs to understand that her not wanting to have a healthy, mutually satisfying sex life now is also something that might "run you off."


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

q79 said:


> These are unusual circumstances that nobody would think to ask about. I don't believe many people even have a history like this. I've never known anyone with a drug habit before. Not to mention everything that comes with it. I refuse to believe that this is my fault.


Many people have histories that you wouldn't be able to tell. Trust me if you met me you would laugh about me having been a drug addict. It's just not anywhere near my life now. I barely drink. I don't even take pain killers unless I'm half dying. I'm a goodie-goodie Mom who doesn't go out much. 

I care about people knowing who I am, not who I was. 

People would also not likely assume that I have/had a lot of casual sex or the colourful sexual experiences that I have. It's up to them to ask and up to me if I want to tell them. 

Neither of these things change who I am and who they are getting to know. 

Who you met and got to know for the last 10 years is who she is. Ex-druggies who have had casual sex aren't just all messed up people. Likely a few of the people you know have a similar past and you'd never know it. 

But she is wrong for not telling you, or leaving, if she knew you were against it. That I do 100% agree with.


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## q79

ConanHub said:


> So why did she stop having sex with you?


I imagine because of the emotional issues surrounding this whole past, I'm not sure. She went to this therapist for a few months and told me all of this, and says that she has worked things out and wants to start back up. I have not had sex with her since all of this.


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## Yeswecan

q79 said:


> These are unusual circumstances that nobody would think to ask about. I don't believe many people even have a history like this. I've never known anyone with a drug habit before. Not to mention everything that comes with it. I refuse to believe that this is my fault.


I don't think this is unusual circumstances. I do not think this our fault, however, I think you judge to much. People are allowed to make mistakes, learn from it and move on to a better life. Your W wanted to move on from a bad way of life. Sexual issue aside, how has your W been as a person. Are you proud of your W(before this news of her past?)


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## Volunteer86

Well said!!! People can change OP if you love her for the person she is now just work together. It sounds like she wants to make it work.



Yeswecan said:


> I know of a heroin addict that was on the stuff for a solid 2 years. Did all kinds of things that he is not proud of. Ended up in a 13 month program to get clean. When getting clean and sober he found Jesus. Went to a Biblical college. He now pastors a church with 4000 in the congregation. The entire church just moved into a 2 million dollar facility because the church keeps growing. He has a W and 3 kids. Point is, his past make no difference to his W, kids or congregation. Look at your W now. Who she is and not was.


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## Yeswecan

q79 said:


> I imagine because of the emotional issues surrounding this whole past, I'm not sure. She went to this therapist for a few months and told me all of this, and says that she has worked things out and wants to start back up. I have not had sex with her since all of this.


Your W continues in making things right(in her life) for herself as we as you(seeking help). Why are you not seeing that aspect?


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## q79

Yeswecan said:


> I don't think this is unusual circumstances. I do not think this our fault, however, I think you judge to much. People are allowed to make mistakes, learn from it and move on to a better life. Your W wanted to move on from a bad way of life. Sexual issue aside, how has your W been as a person. Are you proud of your W(before this new of her past?)


I love my wife to death. If I didn't she would have been out the door immediately. She's a really good wife to be honest other than the sexual hiccups. It is just now that when I look at her, I see that past, I see someone different. Its hard to explain. I consider her not telling me these things to be deception. If it were just deception, it would be easier to get by that, but it is the sort of deception that I feel like represented her as someone that she isn't. 

Honestly I have it in my head now that maybe she just started dating me as a way to get off drugs. We spent a ton of time together right from the beginning. Instead of a whirlwind romance I feel like I was a crutch. Heck that is probably exactly what I was. I know the relationship has been great, but I feel as though I thought it was something that it wasn't. I don't know if that even matters. I don't know what to do but I'm really tore up about it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Can you start seeing your own therapist to help you work through this? And then maybe when you're both ready some marriage counselling?


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## TAMAT

q79,

Long term there is also the question of what she did sexually with others that she is not doing or will not do with you. As a guy this will progressively bother you more and more as the years go by. 

There is a chance she sees you as a nice guy and not someone who she has sexually passion for. 

10 years is a long time to lie to someone about something so important. 

There is also something cold about her saying that it is your problem to get over it now, I think I would leave just for that alone. How does she justify 10 years of dishonesty. 

Tamat


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## WorkingOnMe

Volunteer86 said:


> Well said!!! People can change OP if you love her for the person she is now just work together. It sounds like she wants to make it work.




She wants to make it work? By withholding sex and telling him it's his problem to get over? Sounds like she wants to make it work for her. But not for him. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## WorkingOnMe

q79 said:


> Supposedly it wasn't like that. It was a group of people and they had short relationships of whatever kind. Like a few months here, a few weeks there. She said they "just traded people out". Those were her exact words. And I asked her if she was having sex for drugs and she said no, but if you are having sex with someone who brought drugs then that seems to be the same thing to me.




Wasn't like that from her perspective, which was skewed by the drugs. I wonder if the guys would agree. 


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

TAMAT said:


> q79,
> 
> Long term there is also the question of what she did sexually with others that she is not doing or will not do with you. As a guy this will progressively bother you more and more as the years go by.
> 
> Tamat


Yep. But it shouldn't. 

The real foundation here is whether you can accept the lies of omission about the drugs (as well as the drug use itself). It seems likely that the sexual activity is related to the drug use --that is that whatever she was doing, she was doing for drugs, not out of love or commitment. 

If you accept the past drug use and move on based on who she is now, whatever she may have done with some other guy is part and parcel of the drug use, so accepting one, means accepting the other. 

Yes, it can be much harder to accept this emotionally even if you can accept it mentally.


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## MAJDEATH

We all have a past, sometimes by choice, and sometimes by circumstance. Heck my W was homeless, living in her car when we met. She hid it well and I didnt find out until many years later. She knew that I would judge her and probably dump her if I found out. 27 yrs later we are still together, so I guess it was the right call at the time.


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## farsidejunky

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OP- I was a drug addict for roughly the same amount of time when I was in my teens. I haven't touched it since and I'm not the same person I was then. She's been clean for 10 years. Who you know is who your wife is. Try to focus on the woman that you know and not who she used to be.


This.

If you met me today, you would have no idea that I have tackled addictions to meth and alcohol, with many other things mixed in. 

When I was into meth and other things, there was a similar click. We had a total of about 10 people that would hang out together. Half were female. I slept with all but one of them. That was pretty much normal when you were high and in that particular party scene.

That she has not relapsed or returned to it is significant. The hard part for you will be to try to trust again. 

That said, you tell her she gets one freebie, and this is it. She needs to lay EVERYTHING at your feet, and that another such revelation will result in you not being able to remain married to her.

Let her get it all out. Be prepared to support her during the time of confession, even though you will likely not want to.

I think you have a lot to work with, OP.


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## kag123

Why did the two of you decide to marry after being together for 10 years? 

Why didn't her past bother her before, but suddenly she now needs therapy for it? 

Did you ask her why she didn't tell you all of this before? What did she say her reasons were? 

In your shoes, I'd be gutted that I never knew any of this in the 10 years we were together, and I'd be angry and shocked. What is her response to your reactions to her sharing this information with you? 

Can you ask her to make a joint appointment for the two of you with the therapist she has been seeing? It would be helpful to hear her therapists input on all of this. 

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## wilson

The sex will likely never come back to the level it was before. You may think you can work through these issues and then it will all be good again, but chances are it won't. If you don't see improvement in a reasonable time, don't keep hoping for years and decades that it will get better. Not to mention that sex frequency generally goes down the longer you're married. At some point consider cutting your losses unless you're okay with the trajectory of your sexual frequency.

Also, being married has a lot of ups and downs. It's hard enough when it starts from a foundation of openness and trust. You just found out that everything you believed was a fabrication of what she led you to believe and what you assumed. It's hard to see how this doesn't cause major issues for your relationship in the future. 

And you have to realize that you are married to someone who was a meth addict. She likely has a much higher chance of using again than someone who has never done meth. What happens when she's stressed and needs some relief? What happens years from now when one of her dope friends reconnects with her on facebook? This is something that will hang over you and your relationship. The possibility of relapse is something that will always be hanging over her. You have to be aware and be prepared for it.


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## Lostme

Defiantly go get full panel STD test done, on both of you just to make sure you have nothing that shows no symptoms.

Was she a needle user?


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## q79

I appreciate the responses, I never considered the possibility of her turning to drugs again. It seems so unlikely but with that history, it is always a possibility. 

I feel I was intentionally deceived. There is no chance I would have dated her knowing what I know now.

I will never be able to have sex with my wife again. Knowing what went on, just no. It will be difficult for a while but when she gets home from work tonight, I am ending it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Chance of relapse when she's been 100% clean for over 10 years, moved and doesn't keep in contact with any old friends is fairly slim. 

But OP if you know that it's not something you can handle then it is best for both to move on. Do ask questions that are important to you in the future. You can't tell recovered addicts by knowing them or looking at them, you can't tell which people have casual sex and which don't. If these things are important, ask and be very clear on your stance. Just being nice isn't telling anyone where you stand on the subjects.


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## Crackrjack31

Seriously? you've spent 10 years with this woman. You love her. yes her past may have hurt you but think about how she feels about it. I've done some nasty stuff in my day and no i didnt come forth about it to my wife for years thinking it would change her view of me. 10 years, she is who you love and have made that commitment to. Get over her past and just reassure her that you still love her. Yes get STD tested for both your sakes, but her letting go of her past? no matter how much it may have hurt/disappointed/embarassed her? She did it for herself and you, by the sound of it. She loves you and you love her.


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## ThaMatrix

It's not stupid that you dont want to leave your wife.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Depending on where she went for the abortion is it likely they gave her an std test as well. Usually they want a full work up done. She's also likely to have gotten them done at her physicals in the last 10+ years.


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## frusdil

OP, your judgement and reaction are exactly why she never told you. I'm not saying that was the right call, but she was scared she'd lose you - and it looks like she was right.

Your wife is NOT the same person she was back then. People on drugs do crazy things that they'd never normally do, if not for the drugs. It's not really them, it's the drugs.

Doesn't she deserve a second chance? She's your wife, yes she should have told you but she was frightened of losing you. Can't you at least have some compassion for her? Even a little bit? I understand why you're feeling the way you are, I really do, and I also understand your wife's feelings.

Marriage is not always easy, don't give up at the first bump in the road.


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## sokillme

q79 said:


> Well, my wife and I have been married for about 18 months, but we have been together for 10 years, living together and baiscally married without the paperwork and pictures. I am late 30s she is early 30s. When we met she was still living at home.
> 
> So we decided to go through with getting married, so obviously everything was going great. Around the time of our wedding, a month or so before, she lost interest in sex. I chalked it up to just stress and jitters or whatever and didn't think much of it. However, after the week of the wedding, it went right back to that. No sex at all. She just lost interest. I talked to her about it several times over the ensuing months, and she would always chalk it up to being tired or thinking maybe she had some hormonal issue. So I didn't get upset about it or anything, but I didn't like it very much either. I just rode it out and figured it would sort itself out.
> 
> A few months ago, she tells me she is going to see a therapist, she wants to talk about some issues she is having. She insists that the issues have nothing to do with me. So I say ok, but she doesn't want to talk to me about whatever it is. I have no choice but to just kind of roll with it.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago she decides she wants to talk to me now. I guess this therapist told her she needed to clear the air or whatever. I knew she had sexual partners in the past, I didn't really care, just about everyone does. She didn't seem to be really experienced or anything so I never thought to ask about it. I guess I just didn't care but it seems like maybe I should have.
> 
> She tells me that she had 13 sexual partners before me, at the age of 21. Ok, that is a pretty big number and I was surprised by it, but it is water under the bridge at this point. Then she says that she had never had a boyfriend before, which obviously means that all of these partners were just meaningless sex. Which bothered me to hear, but again its water under the bridge.
> 
> Now the things that do bother me. She told me that she was using drugs for 4 years, meth to be specific. I had no idea about this. Well this bothers me a lot. I have never done anything like myself. She said that she was using it right up until we met, and stopped right away. I never saw any signs of drug use. Kind of hard to digest this information, I just didn't know what to think. Its like I married someone I didn't even know. I am totally against drugs in every way, I hate people that do them, I hate the scummy lifestyle, all of it. But I figured well if she quit that easily maybe it isn't as bad as I had thought.
> 
> Moving on she informed me that she had only ever had sex because of the drugs. I don't know if that means while using drugs or with her friends who used drugs, whatever. Obviously I had kind of assumed that. I mean all of this is difficult to just accept. Like how did I not know? Or would I have not dated her knowing this? There is more to it though. She explained that all but one of these guys were associates of hers, they weren't just random guys off the street. Kind of like they had this sort of a clique and there were a few women in it, and they basically just did whatever with whoever I guess. Sounds like some real scumbags. She told me that to her sex was just something you do, that it had no meaning.
> 
> Here is the big thing. This other guy was some older dude she met once, then decided to hang out with and do drugs. According to her, this guy intentionally got her pregnant. I guess he did it and then bragged about it to her immediately afterwards. So she had an abortion. This was about 9 months before we started dating. I used to see her around all the time, never really talked to her or anything. So in essence I have seen my wife pregnant by some other guy, a druggie loser.
> 
> I don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like someone kicked me in the gut. It sounds bad but I love my wife. I take it seriously. I feel like at this point if I didn't know by now, I shouldn't have been told. But obviously I should have been told and had I known all of this, obviously I would not have had anything to do with this person.
> 
> She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them.
> 
> I don't want to leave my wife, as stupid as it sounds. It's just so much. I don't know that I can ever look at her the same way again. I don't know what to do at this point. She swears it was just a phase, but 4 years is a long phase. All of this behavior, giving out sex to whoever was around, it disgusts me. Obviously something that I thought was special means nothing to her.
> 
> Sorry for writing a novel but I needed to explain.


Well she basically pretty much lied to you from omission and you married her under false pretenses. However it seems like she has been a good wife to you never cheated on you, and wants to try to work on her stuff. You are are going to have to decide if you are willing to work on that or not. I think you have a right to be upset and to fell like you have no idea who you married as far as her past, however if she was decent to you and it sounds like she was. It also sounds like she never cheated or lied to you actively only passively. Her telling you to get over her lying to you is a crock though. There you have a right to be mad. 

If it were me I would give her a chance, but a lot would turn on how your sex life developed, if she acknowledged that what she did was lie to you in a way and was wrong, not just something you need to deal with. I would be watching to see. I also would be hurt and pissed and she would know. But ultimately if she changed and worked to heal I may forgive her. I would also want to talk to her therapist and maybe my own see what the real risks are to me. Generally people who act like your wife does have some serious problems. 

So it's definitely a risk. One thing I will say though is if you are always going to feel this way and hold this against her (which I think you have a right to do, not everyone wants to marry and have kids with someone who is predisposed to being a meth addict) then you should divorce her but be fair and kind about it, there will be men who will be willing to overlook or won't even care. Both of you deserve to be in a marriage where this is not always hanging over it like a cloud. 

That may take some time to figure out. This is pretty new.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

I think one of the things that you are bothered with is you probably answered any questions your wife asked you when dating honestly. Now when you look at her, you are always wondering 2 things, how was she able to lie so easily and ignore your needs, and is she lying to you right now?

Here is a link for your wife - https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/

tell her you do NOT want to be viewed thru the same lenses that she viewed the men in her past if you stay together.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> See, I also agree with this. IMO if past sexual history or other history is important to someone, ask your potential partner.


I agree you don't have to say, but then you run the risk of this happening. If it comes out it can blow up your whole life. That is why it's best to get it all out there as to avoid finding out 10 years later. I mean if a person had a criminal record is it right not to say even if it could mean this person is going to have things in their life that are going to be harder because of it. In the same way they are struggling sexually because of her past, up until she told him he had no idea why. 

This kind of stuff shouldn't be hidden. It's just a bad way to go about life. Especially when there are people who will not care, and people who will. Better to make sure you get the kind that won't.


----------



## sokillme

Yeswecan said:


> I don't think this is unusual circumstances. I do not think this our fault, however, I think you judge to much. People are allowed to make mistakes, learn from it and move on to a better life. Your W wanted to move on from a bad way of life. Sexual issue aside, how has your W been as a person. Are you proud of your W(before this news of her past?)


I hate this everyone judges everyone, that's life. I am sure there are things that people would have in their past that would be a deal breaker for you too. Just because sexual history isn't one of them doesn't mean he doesn't have a right to have his own. 

His wife had not an authentic person for their entire relationship. Presumably he is the primary relationship in her life, and she wasn't confident and trusting enough to actually allow him to see who she was. That is a hard type of person to be married to.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

sokillme said:


> I agree you don't have to say, but then you run the risk of this happening. If it comes out it can blow up your whole life. That is why it's best to get it all out there as to avoid finding out 10 years later. I mean if a person had a criminal record is it right not to say even if it could mean this person is going to have things in their life that are going to be harder because of it. In the same way they are struggling sexually because of her past, up until she told him he had no idea why.
> 
> This kind of stuff shouldn't be hidden. It's just a bad way to go about life. Especially when there are people who will not care, and people who will. Better to make sure you get the kind that won't.


I don't date the kind of people who would have it blow up their whole life. If they need to know anything specific for their own deal breakers, ask. Most people can assume their partners have had some kind of sex without love in their past so if that would be something important it is up to them to ask about it. Drugs, I really don't see how it affects my life in any way so many years later so it makes no difference. Anyone who would think badly of me for it isn't someone I would want anyway. 

OPs wife made the mistake of dating someone who did care, if she knew it would be this much of a big deal to him then she should have found someone else in the first place. 

It's not bad for him to care. It's not bad for her to have a past. They just aren't compatible then.


----------



## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't date the kind of people who would have it blow up their whole life. If they need to know anything specific for their own deal breakers, ask. Most people can assume their partners have had some kind of sex without love in their past so if that would be something important it is up to them to ask about it. Drugs, I really don't see how it affects my life in any way so many years later so it makes no difference. Anyone who would think badly of me for it isn't someone I would want anyway.
> 
> OPs wife made the mistake of dating someone who did care, if she knew it would be this much of a big deal to him then she should have found someone else in the first place.
> 
> It's not bad for him to care. It's not bad for her to have a past. They just aren't compatible then.


Yeah, I don't think the sex and drugs is even as big a deal as the hiding it when I am sure she knew it would be a problem. The inauthentic way in which she went about having and intimate relationship would just kind of sour the whole thing for me.


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## TX-SC

Holy crap dude! Your wife had a problem before you were married. She made some bad choices. 13 isn't a huge number. I dated a girl who had sex with 35 by the age of 21. Whatever...

I can't believe you would divorce her over something that happened BEFORE you were married.


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## *Deidre*

I can't know what you're feeling, OP, because this is your life and you have to ultimately decide what's best for you. But, personally, I don't think I'd end a solid healthy relationship over my husband's past that happened before we ever met. 

Unless he was an ax murderer. That wouldn't be good. :| 

But, again it's your life just make sure your reasons for leaving her, if you do leave her, aren't based on your pride.


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## FrazzledSadHusband

TX-SC said:


> Holy crap dude! Your wife had a problem before you were married. She made some bad choices. 13 isn't a huge number. I dated a girl who had sex with 35 by the age of 21. Whatever...
> 
> *I can't believe you would divorce her over something that happened BEFORE you were married.*


The problem is when the PAST affects the PRESENT!


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## sokillme

People need to understand that it is not just the past, it's the idea that she built an entire relationship without not letting him see all of her, that is very much the present. Relationships take honesty, trust and authenticity. In a sense she didn't trust him enough to be authentic. That is very painful and also a telling sign, besides the drugs , using her sexuality as a commodity, both of which would be too much for some, it's also the ability to basically hide a big part of her life for her own benefit. Those are traits that are not a good sign. 

Saying all that, then her response is he needs to get over it. That shows a clear lack of empathy, which may explain how she was able to lie for so long. All of these thing are serious. Any one of these things would be difficult all of them together seems a pattern. 

I think OP has a good reason to be concerned. However she is also trying to get help so she at least knows that she needs to do better, and start being honest.


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## WorkingOnMe

This is not a past problem. She withholds sex today because it means nothing to her and she says it's his problem and he just has to deal. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

q79 said:


> Although I do not doubt any of that, the fact that she neglected to mention any of this is really bad. I understand that these things can be difficult to bring up but come on. Any one of these things would have been a deal breaker on day one. The problem is I ended up falling in love with this person, false pretences or not. I thought we always had a great relationship. I guess it was not that great at all.


If you were not married today, and you met a woman you were attracted to. She told you that more than 10 years ago, when she was basically a teen she did the things your wife did. But she saw the error in her ways and has not done any of this for the last 10 years... that she has lived the straight and narrow since. Would you reject her because of things she did 10 years ago when she was basically a kid?

Do you believe in redemption and that people can change?


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## imperfectworld

OP, this is so brutal. This is all mental work for you, several years of it ahead of you. But it is fortunate she is in therapy and the therapist advocated for disclosure. In effect she is transferring years of repression straight to you...and I'm guessing she is already doing better. You are shouldering a heavy burden than won't even be understood by most people, and a good person for it.


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## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> If you were not married today, and you met a woman you were attracted to. She told you that more than 10 years ago, when she was basically a teen she did the things your wife did. But she saw the error in her ways and has not done any of this for the last 10 years... that she has lived the straight and narrow since. Would you reject her because of things she did 10 years ago when she was basically a kid?
> 
> Do you believe in redemption and that people can change?


A more accurate question would be would you marry her.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

WorkingOnMe said:


> This is not a past problem. She withholds sex today because it means nothing to her and she says it's his problem and he just has to deal.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Nothing says she is withholding sex because it means nothing to her. Nothing about having a past with casual sex would say that either. 

They had a good sex life and then it stopped and she put herself in therapy to deal with it and figure it out. Maybe something triggered her. But to say she is withholding because "sex means nothing to her" is baseless 

He does have to deal with his emotions about it, or leave. She can't change the past. She is in therapy for her own issues and he would be wise to go to one himself before deciding anything.


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## Lostinthought61

Op,
What bothers me the most is her telling you to deal with....that is bull crap...and I would have told her that....you don't dump and run and if you accept that your nothing but a doormat.


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## EleGirl

q79 said:


> These are unusual circumstances that nobody would think to ask about. I don't believe many people even have a history like this. I've never known anyone with a drug habit before. Not to mention everything that comes with it. I refuse to believe that this is my fault.


You are wrong that her situation is unusual. It's far too common for both males and females today to act like this when they are young. She was a teen through most of what she has revealed. It sounds like some older guys were involved in this.

I guess you learned something here. If history is important to you, you ask. You bring things up in conversation. Some things you just out and out ask.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yes ele, he has to ask in the future if it's important to him. 
That also gives the woman a chance to know she is not compatible with him also. 

If I was asked for my history because it was important that I not have casual sex or drugs, I'd know to move on. Otherwise I'm gonna assume it's not relevant information.


----------



## EleGirl

q79 said:


> I appreciate the responses, I never considered the possibility of her turning to drugs again. It seems so unlikely but with that history, it is always a possibility.
> 
> I feel I was intentionally deceived. There is no chance I would have dated her knowing what I know now.
> 
> I will never be able to have sex with my wife again. Knowing what went on, just no. It will be difficult for a while but when she gets home from work tonight, I am ending it.


I think that this is why your wife stopped having sex with you.

She's in her early 30's right? The human brain does not mature until the late 20's. So she is finally beyond that. And now she realized that she needed to tell you about her past, probably for herself. So she go counseling to help her get to the point where she could tell you.

But she also knows you and knew that you would dump her, even 10 years after her stupid choices as a kid.

Your wife knows you well. She no longer felt safe with you. 

You have two choices that are 'honorable'. One is the choice that you said you are going to take. Walk away from her. It's your choice to make. She knew this is the one you would most likely take. (I'd bet on that.)

Or you could realize that today she is the person you have known for 10 years. She's the person you married. And you would get counseling and help to get beyond your issues with her past. The two of you could work this out if you were so included.

What is not honorable would be for you to stay with her, punish her and look down on her for somethings she did over a decade ago.

You will do just fine without her. And you will be wiser with the next woman, talk about things from the early dating stage on.

Your wife will do well too without you because she's grown into a person who is apparently much better than that girl from over a decade ago. She can find a good man too who will love her for who she is now. I'm hoping that she now has the maturity and strength to be more forthcoming about things. Though she does no owe anyone a complete history of her past.


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## EleGirl

sokillme said:


> A more accurate question would be would you marry her.


Me? Would I marry her? No, I'd never marry a woman. Ok, if she was filthy rich I might consider it, but only if she let me date men on the side. Ahhhh things have become far too complicated.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Like SGC I also wouldn't date anyone who would freak out about my past.

However I always ask all kinds of questions, so in doing that, I usually also reveal most of the broad scope of my sex and drug experience. I ask what drugs have you used and when was the last time, I ask if there's any history of addiction, I ask their general sexual experience level (I don't need details just the facts). I share all of this about myself too. I've lived a fun life and need a partner who not only gets that but has had some kind of experience that makes us be able to get each other.

I like these conversations, they are super fascinating. Things become clear pretty quickly if you are compatible in these areas or not, like SGC said. Some people just know they are on the same playing field without the facts. I personally enjoy discussing the facts. 

To the OP...I think since she told you straight up that she deliberately withheld this information from you, I can see why you feel totally duped and pissed, and like you don't even know her. 

But I do hope somehow you two can figure something out, or else part amicably. She seems like she's reformed and a good wife...but I do also see why you may not make it as a couple. It must have been such a shock to you to hear these words coming out of her mouth. I understand that you were and are devastated by the deception and believing her to be someone she isn't.


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## WorkingOnMe

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Nothing says she is withholding sex because it means nothing to her.
> 
> 
> 
> They had a good sex life and then it stopped and she put herself in therapy to deal with it and figure it out. Maybe something triggered her. But to say she is withholding because "sex means nothing to her" is baseless
> 
> 
> 
> He does have to deal with his emotions about it, or leave. She can't change the past. She is in therapy for her own issues and he would be wise to go to one himself before deciding anything.



The op says the good sex life stopped months before marriage. Her thoughts on it's meaning were mentioned in the first post. 



q79 said:


> She told me that to her sex was just something you do, that it had no meaning.
> 
> She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them.







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes ele, he has to ask in the future if it's important to him.
> That also gives the woman a chance to know she is not compatible with him also.
> 
> If I was asked for my history because it was important that I not have casual sex or drugs, I'd know to move on. Otherwise I'm gonna assume it's not relevant information.


He also has to realize that this goes two ways.

If I met a guy and he told me what the OP has posted here, I would dump him.

Why? Because the fact that after 10 years of a good relationship with a woman who he felt good enough about to marry, after 10 years of dating... he cannot even bother to look for forgiveness and redemption is to me horrific. That he cannot handle that she was pregnant before he met her is just odd. It tells me that while I don't have the history his soon to be ex does, there could one day be something about me that he would use against me. None of us are perfect.


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## wilson

q79 said:


> She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them.


Regardless of her past, the fact that she would say this to you is pretty disconcerting. She doesn't want to deal with it, and she doesn't want to help you deal with it, either. This is a major crisis you are going through, and it won't be your last if you stay together. Do you want a partner who has that attitude?


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## EleGirl

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Yes ele, he has to ask in the future if it's important to him.
> That also gives the woman a chance to know she is not compatible with him also.
> 
> If I was asked for my history because it was important that I not have casual sex or drugs, I'd know to move on. Otherwise I'm gonna assume it's not relevant information.


----------



## EleGirl

q79 said:


> She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them.


She is right that you need to deal with them. That's up to you.

What exactly can she do to fix this? If there is something that you feel that she can do to help you deal with it, then you can tell her what it is. And then she can decide if she is willing to do it.

For example you can tell her that for the next 6 months you need for her to answer any questions you have, even if you ask the same ones over and over. But you have to be respectful and not yell or demean her when you ask. It's often suggested that you set up a date and time to do this. Because ambushing her constantly with questions, or interjection questions into every conversation becomes abusive after a while.

If you want to fix this marriage, get into counseling and have the counselor help you come up with a plan that includes things that she has to do to help you get over it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

EleGirl said:


> He also has to realize that this goes two ways.
> 
> If I met a guy and he told me what the OP has posted here, I would dump him.
> 
> Why? Because the fact that after 10 years of a good relationship with a woman who he felt good enough about to marry, after 10 years of dating... he cannot even bother to look for forgiveness and redemption is to me horrific. That he cannot handle that she was pregnant before her met her is just odd. It tells me that while I don't have the history his soon to be ex does, there could one day be something about me that he would use against me. None of us are perfect.


I'd also not be with someone who did this.

I have exactly 1 thing I would be ashamed of from my past. The rest I don't feel any shame over. Regret, cause some of it was stupid but no shame. 

I told my ex one time about the worst thing I ever did. He used it against me for years. Every fight. Every time he wanted to hurt me. 

I've only ever told 1 other person and that's my current bf (I've been with many since it happened)
He then told me his worst thing. We both agreed that who we are is who we want and nothing from the past changes that. Neither of us have ever brought up the others thing again. I felt so safe and comforted that I could trust him with that information and he'd never look at me differently nor I him. 

If I didn't feel I could safely share my information, I wouldn't. But I'd not likely stay with them either. 

As extreme as it sounds, it saved me. It let me forgive myself for it and tell me I am a good person deserving of love and respect no matter what I have done. My sexual interest and desire also went up ... like 100x. Like the last of my anxieties and fears were gone and I was free to be me.


----------



## sokillme

EleGirl said:


> Me? Would I marry her? No, I'd never marry a woman. Ok, if she was filthy rich I might consider it, but only if she let me date men on the side. Ahhhh things have become far too complicated.


No I am saying your question would be more accurate if you asked OP if he would marry her not would he date her.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

sokillme said:


> No I am saying your question would be more accurate if you asked OP if he would marry her not would he date her.


People shouldn't date someone they wouldn't marry. Not long term dating anyway. 
If someone isn't good enough for you to marry don't waste their time dating them. 

Unless marriage isn't the goal for either.


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## BobSimmons

q79 said:


> Although I do not doubt any of that, the fact that she neglected to mention any of this is really bad. I understand that these things can be difficult to bring up but come on. Any one of these things would have been a deal breaker on day one. The problem is I ended up falling in love with this person, false pretences or not. I thought we always had a great relationship. I guess it was not that great at all.


I'll be blunt. You've been used. Both good and bad.

Up until now men having been using her and she's been using them, a sort of symbiotic relationship, sex for drugs. So this is what she knows, having sex and disconnecting emotion from it all and getting her reward at the end.

In your case it's stability, you offered stability and somewhat of a normal life, the good is she stopped using drugs, the bad she also traded the sex to get you hooked and married, when she got her outcome the sex stopped.

I also see alot of people defending the wife but having read this

*I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over
them.*

This is where you my friend have to man up. You've been lied to badly. And when the liar tells you that's it your problem and to get over it your answer shouldn't be what should I do, your answer should be no, you should be helping me to understand why you lied and if you're really sorry working together to fix what's broken.

Look mate, you're signing yourself up to years of non intimacy, therapy and brokeness. Would you even contemplate starting a family with this woman?


----------



## becareful2

"Hey, I lied to you for 10 years but that's your problem now and you need to get over it." That's a good way to make your partner bitter and resentful.

The OP's wife framed the issue of her refusal to disclose these things as due to a lack of trust in him. She feared that he'd dump her had she disclosed. The issue can also be framed as a lack of respect. She didn't respect him enough to let him choose for himself BEFORE they walked down the aisle together.

Polygraph her to find out if what she told you is the complete truth and if she had relapsed any time in the last 10 years.


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## chillymorn69

I think
your right in leaving this woman. If she will decieve like that what esle will she hide from you and then she will always have a sexual desire or problem. What will you do if in say 3 yrs shes says well I was raped when I was doing drugs now I don't/can't have sex .

Cut your losses.

Good luck


----------



## Yeswecan

q79 said:


> I love my wife to death. If I didn't she would have been out the door immediately. She's a really good wife to be honest other than the sexual hiccups. It is just now that when I look at her, I see that past, I see someone different. Its hard to explain. I consider her not telling me these things to be deception. If it were just deception, it would be easier to get by that, but it is the sort of deception that I feel like represented her as someone that she isn't.
> 
> Honestly I have it in my head now that maybe she just started dating me as a way to get off drugs. We spent a ton of time together right from the beginning. Instead of a whirlwind romance I feel like I was a crutch. Heck that is probably exactly what I was. I know the relationship has been great, but I feel as though I thought it was something that it wasn't. I don't know if that even matters. I don't know what to do but I'm really tore up about it.


I can relate. My W had a past(darn sorted too) that when told I almost walked. But, I took how she was now when dating and not what was. I got by it. My W has been nothing short of fantastic as a person, friend and W.


----------



## Yeswecan

sokillme said:


> I hate this everyone judges everyone, that's life. I am sure there are things that people would have in their past that would be a deal breaker for you too. Just because sexual history isn't one of them doesn't mean he doesn't have a right to have his own.
> 
> His wife had not an authentic person for their entire relationship. Presumably he is the primary relationship in her life, and she wasn't confident and trusting enough to actually allow him to see who she was. That is a hard type of person to be married to.


There was one thing in my W past that almost became a deal breaker for me. However, I accepted my W at that time for who she was now and not in the past. 

I can assure you there are very few that have divulged everything they have done in the past.


----------



## GTdad

Yeswecan said:


> I can assure you there are very few that have divulged everything they have done in the past.


There's some stuff I pulled as a teen that was damn near psychopathic, and not in the funny crazy way. I'll take that crap to my grave.


----------



## samyeagar

Yeswecan said:


> There was one thing in my W past that almost became a deal breaker for me. However, I accepted my W at that time for who she was now and not in the past.
> 
> I can assure you there are very few that have divulged everything they have done in the past.


And there is also a difference in that past being only being a couple of years in the past, and a decade in the past to be able to reasonably see someone as being a different person.

As I said before, my wife also has quite the past with sex and drugs, but when I met her, she was ten years removed from all of it, and I think having that many years of a track record made it far easier to deal with. That, and she was aware enough to know that the things in her past had a high likelihood of being brought up by other people simply through circumstance, and also knew that they would be potential deal breakers for many people, so she was proactive and open with me.

Had she only been a year or two removed from all of that, I would likely not have considered dating her. Even now with hindsight, knowing how wonderful she is and how things have turned out, I don't feel bad feeling that way.

As with you and your wife, there was one thing in particular that came up, and was almost a deal breaker. Caused a pretty rough patch, but it was something that was mere months removed from when we started dating.


----------



## Yeswecan

becareful2 said:


> "Hey, I lied to you for 10 years but that's your problem now and you need to get over it." That's a good way to make your partner bitter and resentful.
> 
> The OP's wife framed the issue of her refusal to disclose these things as due to a lack of trust in him. She feared that he'd dump her had she disclosed. The issue can also be framed as a lack of respect. She didn't respect him enough to let him choose for himself BEFORE they walked down the aisle together.
> 
> Polygraph her to find out if what she told you is the complete truth and if she had relapsed any time in the last 10 years.


Perhaps she was not proud of it. I'm sure she wasn't. My W was not proud of her sorted past. She did not spill the beans to me. Not until a family member brought it up. But that was my W past. I did not ask the questions. She did not have to tell me anything because for me what transpired before my W and I met was not my business. But that is just me.


----------



## Yeswecan

samyeagar said:


> And there is also a difference in that past being only being a couple of years in the past, and a decade in the past to be able to reasonably see someone as being a different person.
> 
> As I said before, my wife also has quite the past with sex and drugs, but when I met her, she was ten years removed from all of it, and I think having that many years of a track record made it far easier to deal with. That, and she was aware enough to know that the things in her past had a high likelihood of being brought up by other people simply through circumstance, and also knew that they would be potential deal breakers for many people, so she was proactive and open with me.
> 
> Had she only been a year or two removed from all of that, I would likely not have considered dating her. Even now with hindsight, knowing how wonderful she is and how things have turned out, I don't feel bad feeling that way.
> 
> As with you and your wife, there was one thing in particular that came up, and was almost a deal breaker. Caused a pretty rough patch, but it was something that was mere months removed from when we started dating.


Mine as months removed when dating my W. I looked what she was at the time. I took a chance based on what I witnessed with my W and her family at that time. 23 years later I'm glad I took the chance. Who the heck am I to judge anyway?


----------



## samyeagar

Yeswecan said:


> Mine as months removed when dating my W. I looked what she was at the time. I took a chance based on what I witnessed with my W and her family at that time. 23 years later I'm glad I took the chance. Who the heck am I to judge anyway?


And see, that gets very nuanced...saying you won't be with someone because their past makes them a bad person is very different than saying you won't be with someone because their past isn't a good fit for you.

Ultimately, entering into every relationship is some sort of gamble and a risk...taking a chance as you put it. Everyone has different levels of risk aversion, and need to make the choice that is best for them.

I have no regrets in taking a chance with my wife either, and am very happy with my decision. I also know that had I made a different choice, I would be equally without regret.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> People shouldn't date someone they wouldn't marry. Not long term dating anyway.
> If someone isn't good enough for you to marry don't waste their time dating them.
> 
> Unless marriage isn't the goal for either.


I remember a mature woman in my hometown saying "never date someone you wouldn't take for a mate." She was summarily dismissed by many as just another nosy, judgmental Christian. But as I've grown, I've seen the wisdom in her words.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I would want to know what the trigger was. What was it that got her to the point where she decided to cut off sex, get therapy and come clean? SOMETHING happened, and I think its very important to find out what it was. 

This is a tough one. We all get conflicting advice about someone's past... on one hand, you hear that you should not judge someone by their past. On the other hand, you hear that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior and that you should learn from the past. Its crazy. I went through the hard lesson to pay attention to the past, with my last husband. I should have run after he revealed certain things when we were dating. 

I think the hardest part in OP's situation is the fact that his wife hid this from him for over ten years. I think that is a HUGE deal. I do feel bad for her that she is going to lose her marriage for sharing this info, she may never be honest with anyone again. But at the same time, the fact is she LIED, and for a very long time.


----------



## Yeswecan

3Xnocharm said:


> I would want to know what the trigger was. What was it that got her to the point where she decided to cut off sex, get therapy and come clean? SOMETHING happened, and I think its very important to find out what it was.
> 
> This is a tough one. We all get conflicting advice about someone's past... on one hand, you hear that you should not judge someone by their past. On the other hand, you hear that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior and that you should learn from the past. Its crazy. I went through the hard lesson to pay attention to the past, with my last husband. I should have run after he revealed certain things when we were dating.
> 
> I think the hardest part in OP's situation is the fact that his wife hid this from him for over ten years. I think that is a HUGE deal. I do feel bad for her that she is going to lose her marriage for sharing this info, she may never be honest with anyone again. But at the same time,* the fact is she LIED, and for a very long time.*


Did she lie? She was not asked the questions if I remember correctly. Lie by omitting? Are people supposed to automatically confess their sins during the dating game? Everything? Why?

It is quite probably that no one would date or marry if every iota of past indiscretions or otherwise were dumped on the table. Are we really all "open book" as we like to portray? I would say not.


----------



## q79

I talked to the wife last night and told her what I thought. I do not think that there is any reason to continue this. I will never be able to look at her and not see these things. She was upset and suggested separating for a while and going to counseling and working through the issue, but I declined. 

My wife knew from very early on that these things would have been dealbreakers had I known them, any one of them. It is not my preference to be with someone with a history of drug use and everything that comes with it. These aren't simply mistakes made during her youth, this a years long pattern of behavior, and behavior that was continuing right up until the day we started dating. If not for an abortion she would have still been pregnant by a drug dealer when we started dating.

I understand people saying not to worry about the past, but this isn't a skeleton in the closet. This is a graveyard.

It is easy to say that I should over look these things, but no man with any self-respect is going to do that. I do not care that she has changed, I do not know that the entire change isn't just an act.

I'm not going to be told that I have to deal with her past. I'm not going to counseling for decisions made by someone else. It is not my problem. 

There is no way I can respect this person knowing what I know, and after sleeping on it for a night, I wouldn't even want to try. This is not a quality person.

Saying that you can't judge someone based on their past behavior is nonsense. So the person who lives a clean life, taking pride in themselves and not sleeping around should be judged by a prospective partner the same way as someone who had so much sex and drugs that a random drug dealer got them pregnant? Give me a break people. Easy for people to say when it isn't their wife.



Yeswecan said:


> Did she lie? She was not asked the questions if I remember correctly. Lie by omitting? Are people supposed to automatically confess their sins during the dating game? Everything? Why?


When you know your partner is against having sex with people for drugs, and that is what you are into, staying in a relationship and omitting that fact to protect the relationship is deception. If your partner is against abortion and you had an abortion in your past and failed to mention it because you didn't want to lose that person, that is deception.

If I ever have a relationship again I will be certain to raise these questions and make my positions on them known in order to avoid something like this again.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Yes, it was lying by omission. It was something that she knew to be a potential deal breaker for him.


----------



## q79

Crackrjack31 said:


> You love her. yes her past may have hurt you but think about how she feels about it.


I don't have to think about it, because we talked about it. She regrets doing drugs, and regrets some of the sexual activity, but not all of it. This after telling me she only ever had sex because of drugs. So I mean, that kinda says a lot right there. She doesn't really see a problem with this behavior.

She only saw telling me about these things as a problem because she knew I would end the relationship, but apparently her past sexual issues somehow impacted my sex life, which ended up with me not having a sex a life. Her therapist instructed her to come clean in order to overcome whatever emotional issue she had going on. I guess she thought I would just roll over and accept it because I wear a ring. 

The fact is that I don't have to accept it because I could easily find someone who doesn't have those things in their background. It isn't worth going through it.


----------



## samyeagar

3Xnocharm said:


> I would want to know what the trigger was. What was it that got her to the point where she decided to cut off sex, get therapy and come clean? SOMETHING happened, and I think its very important to find out what it was.
> 
> This is a tough one. We all get conflicting advice about someone's past... on one hand, you hear that you should not judge someone by their past. On the other hand, you hear that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior and that you should learn from the past. Its crazy. I went through the hard lesson to pay attention to the past, with my last husband. I should have run after he revealed certain things when we were dating.
> 
> I think the hardest part in OP's situation is the fact that his wife hid this from him for over ten years. I think that is a HUGE deal. I do feel bad for her that she is going to lose her marriage for sharing this info, she may never be honest with anyone again. But at the same time, the fact is she LIED, and for a very long time.


Agreed...I think the most basic and pertinant question is Why now to reveal all.

As to her takeaway being not to trust in the future...that is a likely reaction for a lot of people, but it's totally the wrong lesson to learn. The right lesson is to be honest from the start to cut this off at the beginning. The problem with distrust leading to hiding things is that the past so often has a way of working its way into the present no matter how far removed from it one is, and it's never going to go over well, so really this whole situation now was pretty much inevitable, and set in motion by her.


----------



## MicroStorm

Certainly, you're in quite a bit of a conundrum. My personality is similar to yours in that if I found out what you found out, I'd never think of her the same again, but that is me. Perhaps you can work through this, perhaps not. On one hand information like this is devastating, but on the other you have an incredible amount of leverage that you can use against her (now and later), so there's that.

Question, though. If this woman was so great and you wanted the whole wife+married life+kids+family, why wait 8.5 years to marry her? And that begs the question, why did all of this from her come out now? Obviously you would have never found out had she not had a significant behavior change in recent months (sexless marriage--which is hell, btw; seeing a therapist; mood swings; etc). What triggered such a change? Guilt? Getting older and introspection?


----------



## Yeswecan

q79 said:


> I talked to the wife last night and told her what I thought. I do not think that there is any reason to continue this. I will never be able to look at her and not see these things. She was upset and suggested separating for a while and going to counseling and working through the issue, but I declined.
> 
> My wife knew from very early on that these things would have been dealbreakers had I known them, any one of them. It is not my preference to be with someone with a history of drug use and everything that comes with it. These aren't simply mistakes made during her youth, this a years long pattern of behavior, and behavior that was continuing right up until the day we started dating. If not for an abortion she would have still been pregnant by a drug dealer when we started dating.
> 
> I understand people saying not to worry about the past, but this isn't a skeleton in the closet. This is a graveyard.
> 
> It is easy to say that I should over look these things, but no man with any self-respect is going to do that. I do not care that she has changed, I do not know that the entire change isn't just an act.
> 
> I'm not going to be told that I have to deal with her past. I'm not going to counseling for decisions made by someone else. It is not my problem.
> 
> There is no way I can respect this person knowing what I know, and after sleeping on it for a night, I wouldn't even want to try. This is not a quality person.
> 
> Saying that you can't judge someone based on their past behavior is nonsense. So the person who lives a clean life, taking pride in themselves and not sleeping around should be judged by a prospective partner the same way as someone who had so much sex and drugs that a random drug dealer got them pregnant? Give me a break people. Easy for people to say when it isn't their wife.
> 
> 
> 
> When you know your partner is against having sex with people for drugs, and that is what you are into, staying in a relationship and omitting that fact to protect the relationship is deception. If your partner is against abortion and you had an abortion in your past and failed to mention it because you didn't want to lose that person, that is deception.
> 
> If I ever have a relationship again I will be certain to raise these questions and make my positions on them known in order to avoid something like this again.


Sorry it has come to this for you. However, June Cleaver was a fictional character. Everyone has a skeleton or two or a graveyard in various degrees. So will the next person you meet. 



> It is easy to say that I should over look these things, but no man with any self-respect is going to do that. I do not care that she has changed, I do not know that the entire change isn't just an act.


This comment in one fell swoop put many person in the "I have no self respect column." People over look many things and choose their battles. Some wisely. Some not. It appears you are not going to give your W the time of day to prove it is not an act. However, 10 years is a long time to act. I'm sorry you do allow people to change and become the person they are meant to be.

Best of luck sir.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It's a shame but will be best for the both of you at this point. 

Both can find more suitable partners, there is nothing wrong with her and she'll be able to find someone who accepts her as she is. 

There's nothing wrong with you and you'll be able to find someone who has the history you are looking for. 

I'm guessing you are religious? Picking within your religion and having the same feelings about certain issues would likely be your best bet. 

And yes, do make sure you ask. Nothing is assumed. It can't be assumed you would be against it and it can't be assumed they don't have a past. If it's a deal breaker issue then bring it up quickly.


----------



## samyeagar

MicroStorm said:


> Certainly, you're in quite a bit of a conundrum. My personality is similar to yours in that if I found out what you found out, I'd never think of her the same again, but that is me. Perhaps you can work through this, perhaps not. On one hand information like this is devastating, but on the other *you have an incredible amount of leverage that you can use against her (now and later), so there's that.*
> 
> Question, though. If this woman was so great and you wanted the whole wife+married life+kids+family, why wait 8.5 years to marry her? And that begs the question, why did all of this from her come out now? Obviously you would have never found out had she not had a significant behavior change in recent months (sexless marriage--which is hell, btw; seeing a therapist; mood swings; etc). What triggered such a change? Guilt? Getting older and introspection?


There is no need for him to use her past against her. That is unnecessarily vicious and cruel, no matter how badly he is hurt by this.


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## ILoveSparkles

I have to wonder - for her to come clean 10 years later is she being forced/blackmailed or what have you by this group in her past? She's lied this long, and even if she doesn't have social media (that you are aware of) there can be ways to communicate.

And the fact she's telling you get over it........oh man.

She appears to want to put this part of her life behind her, but her randomly telling you 10 years later and she expects you to just blow it off? No way. She needs to discuss this with you in depth.

There's some reason she explained her past after 10 years - why would she do that out of the blue after so long? IMO, there is more to the story than you've been told.


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## wilson

It's too bad it came to this, but I feel it's the right choice. Like you said, this is a graveyard more than a skeleton. Most people do have a few things in their past they are ashamed of, but typically the person you know is similar to the person in the past. That's not the case here. This isn't a situation where she has a few more partners than you thought or maybe tried drugs a few times. She was living a druggie lifestyle for years. She was a meth addict. It's sad you couldn't make it work, but you shouldn't feel that you are wrong to make this decision.


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## becareful2

Yeswecan said:


> Perhaps she was not proud of it. I'm sure she wasn't. My W was not proud of her sorted past. She did not spill the beans to me. Not until a family member brought it up. But that was my W past. I did not ask the questions. She did not have to tell me anything because for me what transpired before my W and I met was not my business. But that is just me.


I'd expect my spouse to be a person of integrity but that's just me.


----------



## Thor

q79, I've only read your first post, so hopefully this is relevant.

Your wife's history is very suspicious of having been sexually abused as a child or sexually assaulted as a teen. If so, she will need qualified professional therapy for that. You cannot be her therapist in any of what is going on with her, and especially regarding any sex abuse or assault.

The reason I bring it up is that whatever is going on with her is not a simple fix. And, she will not magically become the person you desire regarding sex within your relationship.

I suggest you seek counseling for yourself. You are likely a Secondary Survivor of either sex abuse or sex assault. She would be the victim, aka Survivor. You, being close to her, are a Secondary Survivor. If there is no history of abuse or assault, there is still a difficult and complicated history with drugs and sex which you need to process. Your work should provide free and completely confidential counseling by outside professionals called Employee Assistance Program (EAP), which is there for exactly your kind of crisis.


----------



## TAM2013

q79 said:


> I talked to the wife last night and told her what I thought. I do not think that there is any reason to continue this. I will never be able to look at her and not see these things. She was upset and suggested separating for a while and going to counseling and working through the issue, but I declined.
> 
> My wife knew from very early on that these things would have been dealbreakers had I known them, any one of them. It is not my preference to be with someone with a history of drug use and everything that comes with it. These aren't simply mistakes made during her youth, this a years long pattern of behavior, and behavior that was continuing right up until the day we started dating. If not for an abortion she would have still been pregnant by a drug dealer when we started dating.
> 
> I understand people saying not to worry about the past, but this isn't a skeleton in the closet. This is a graveyard.
> 
> It is easy to say that I should over look these things, but *no man with any self-respect is going to do that*. I do not care that she has changed, I do not know that the entire change isn't just an act.
> 
> *I'm not going to be told that I have to deal with her past. I'm not going to counseling for decisions made by someone else. It is not my problem.
> *
> There is no way I can respect this person knowing what I know, and after sleeping on it for a night, I wouldn't even want to try. This is not a quality person.
> 
> *Saying that you can't judge someone based on their past behavior is nonsense. So the person who lives a clean life, taking pride in themselves and not sleeping around should be judged by a prospective partner the same way as someone who had so much sex and drugs that a random drug dealer got them pregnant? Give me a break people. Easy for people to say when it isn't their wife.*
> 
> When you know your partner is against having sex with people for drugs, and that is what you are into, staying in a relationship and omitting that fact to protect the relationship is deception. If your partner is against abortion and you had an abortion in your past and failed to mention it because you didn't want to lose that person, that is deception.
> 
> If I ever have a relationship again I will be certain to raise these questions and make my positions on them known in order to avoid something like this again.


Bingo.


----------



## becareful2

Yeswecan said:


> Did she lie? She was not asked the questions if I remember correctly. Lie by omitting? Are people supposed to automatically confess their sins during the dating game? Everything? Why?
> 
> It is quite probably that no one would date or marry if every iota of past indiscretions or otherwise were dumped on the table. Are we really all "open book" as we like to portray? I would say not.


Yes, she did lie by omission. Yes, she should have disclosed, maybe not everything, but enough to draw the partner's attention so they can ask more if they're so inclined. Why? It's this thing called integrity, maturity, personal accountability, and respect. Maybe the other person would dump us, maybe they won't care, but we should respect them enough to not decide their future for them through our deception. Some here advocate owning our past, while others are selective in that regard and are okay with hiding it from the one person whom they'd eventually publicly vow to honor and respect. Can't have it both ways.


----------



## becareful2

q79 said:


> I talked to the wife last night and told her what I thought. I do not think that there is any reason to continue this. I will never be able to look at her and not see these things. She was upset and suggested separating for a while and going to counseling and working through the issue, but I declined.
> 
> My wife knew from very early on that these things would have been dealbreakers had I known them, any one of them. It is not my preference to be with someone with a history of drug use and everything that comes with it. These aren't simply mistakes made during her youth, this a years long pattern of behavior, and behavior that was continuing right up until the day we started dating. If not for an abortion she would have still been pregnant by a drug dealer when we started dating.
> 
> I understand people saying not to worry about the past, but this isn't a skeleton in the closet. This is a graveyard.
> 
> It is easy to say that I should over look these things, but no man with any self-respect is going to do that. I do not care that she has changed, I do not know that the entire change isn't just an act.
> 
> I'm not going to be told that I have to deal with her past. I'm not going to counseling for decisions made by someone else. It is not my problem.
> 
> There is no way I can respect this person knowing what I know, and after sleeping on it for a night, I wouldn't even want to try. This is not a quality person.
> 
> Saying that you can't judge someone based on their past behavior is nonsense. So the person who lives a clean life, taking pride in themselves and not sleeping around should be judged by a prospective partner the same way as someone who had so much sex and drugs that a random drug dealer got them pregnant? Give me a break people. Easy for people to say when it isn't their wife.
> 
> 
> 
> When you know your partner is against having sex with people for drugs, and that is what you are into, staying in a relationship and omitting that fact to protect the relationship is deception. If your partner is against abortion and you had an abortion in your past and failed to mention it because you didn't want to lose that person, that is deception.
> 
> If I ever have a relationship again I will be certain to raise these questions and make my positions on them known in order to avoid something like this again.


No one can fault you for walking away and you can always hold your head up high for enforcing your own values. I would, however, advise you to take a step back and look at everything about the woman you call your wife. I mean look at everything. Is she contrite, humble, and apologetic? Does she show empathy for what you're going through? Does she have a history of being kind and thoughtful towards you or is she selfish with her head up her behind? Do you two have children together? Is she a good wife and mother? Can you see yourself growing old with her? You have to dig deep and evaluate everything. Make a list if you have to, but come to a sound decision.


----------



## becareful2

3Xnocharm said:


> I would want to know what the trigger was. What was it that got her to the point where she decided to cut off sex, get therapy and come clean? SOMETHING happened, and I think its very important to find out what it was.
> 
> This is a tough one. We all get conflicting advice about someone's past... on one hand, you hear that you should not judge someone by their past. On the other hand, you hear that past behavior is an indicator of future behavior and that you should learn from the past. Its crazy. I went through the hard lesson to pay attention to the past, with my last husband. I should have run after he revealed certain things when we were dating.
> 
> I think the hardest part in OP's situation is the fact that his wife hid this from him for over ten years. I think that is a HUGE deal. I do feel bad for her that she is going to lose her marriage for sharing this info, she may never be honest with anyone again. But at the same time, the fact is she LIED, and for a very long time.


Putting myself in OP's shoes, I'd be more willing to overlook her past had she come to me in the beginning, after we got close and serious, but before we got married. I'd pad on a few more years to see if she is actually a changed person before I'd married her. Like you, I do think sometimes we should hold a person's past against them, and sometimes we shouldn't. There's no default answer that is 100% correct for every situation. We all have a mind and we had better use it to make the best decision for our lives, but if we judge them because of their past, we're labeled judgmental, and the people who throw out those judgemental labels are also judgemental, themselves; they're just not aware of their own hypocrisy. It's okay to judge, just as long as our judgements are sound and righteous. We can judge without shaming the other person.


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## Lostinthought61

Q79, 
I for one support your decision, we all make mistakes, none of us are saints, most of us are sinners, but if you are planning on spending you life with someone and you are not open and honest about drug use and sex activities with sketchy individuals that speak to character or lack their of

You absolutely have the right to walk away from her...absolutely. and any one who tells you otherwise is invoking their beliefs without being in your shoes...this is your life, this is your future and if you were sold a bill of goods then you should be open to request a refund. 

I am sure she has gone through a hell, and is a decent person now, but for her to say to you well here is the truth now deal with it and nonsense, no you don't, this is not some badge of courage that has be thrusted upon you. its time to move on, help her with the transition, you owe her that...


----------



## Thor

Telling you to just suck it up and deal with it indicates she has no remorse for not telling you. It also tells me she has some deep shame in some way related to her past (but it may not be the specifics you know about). I learned from my own experience that when a spouse tells you to just deal with it, they have no compassion for your situation. They are remaining selfish and self-protecting.

It would be completely different if she were remorseful about how she deceived you and for how she has hurt you. Note that this has nothing to do with the content of what she withheld. She can feel badly about harming you with lies while at the same time not feeling badly about her past.

I, too, am curious what precipitated all of this with her.


----------



## oldshirt

A few points in no particular order -

- The purpose of dating is to spend time doing things with someone to get to know them to see if they are the one you want to marry and have a home and family with. 

- you were intentionally deprived of some key information indicating the kind of person she was and her character, morals and values. 

- had you known she was a druggie who had sex with random other druggies and got knocked up and had abortions by them, you would not have dated her or considered her mate material. 

- people who have been sexually abused at a young age are often very promiscuous with those who exploit and use them but have sexual dysfunctions and problems with those that treat them well within legitimate relationships. 

- She may be off the drugs and sex now and may lead a perfectly normal, productive life going forward. 

- All of us make countless judgements a day and our judgements influence how we feel about someone and how we view them as a person. Those views and feelings do not always follow logic. 

- Your logical mind may tell you that she has been sober and living a respectable life for years, but that doesn't mean that your heart and soul will ever follow suit. 

-Assuming she has never mistreated, lied to or cheated on her husband, every wife should have a husband that loves, cherishes, honors and respects her. If you simply can't do that, then you are doing her a disservice. A man needs to either find a way to love, cherish and respect her - or let her go.


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## wilson

If you do end up breaking up, try to treat her with compassion and understanding. It's to be expected that you are angry about what happened, but she has some major issues she needs to work through. If you belittle her and crush her, it will have effects that will last her whole life. Try and handle it in a way that she understands how she made you feel, but she will look back on it as a learning experience and be a better person in the future. It would be a shame if she fell back with her old habits and crowd.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

IMO - perfectly acceptable to say 
"Your past just isn't what my values and life needs and we aren't compatible"

Not acceptable to say "no husband would ever want some **** like she is and her past makes her undesirable" 

Just because it's not compatible with you doesn't mean she can't find a lovely man who accepts her as is. 

There's nothing wrong with wanting certain histories and traits and deciding one doesn't work with you. 

But there is no need to shame her, make her feel like no one would want her.


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## Vinnydee

Our past does not always predict our future. Mine certainly did not. I went from a gang member, gifted student college drop out daily drug user, to one of two top experts in my field worldwide. Despite having 30 sexual partners and many more that I dated or did not have intercourse with, I am married 45 years and very happily too. My wife had her little secret too. She is bisexual but managed to fit it into our marriage by moving in a woman we both knew since we were kids and treated like family already. My wife's background was of a virgin at 19 who never had a boyfriend. Did not touch drugs or drank alcohol since her parents were alcoholics. She was a very sweet and shy girl. She changed after we married too. We short of met in the middle.

We got engaged 3 weeks after we met. Ten years later she is arranging threesomes with her girlfriends, doing drugs recreationally and trying every sexual fetish in the books. She also did many wild things that most people have in their bucket list. My point is that after we married, we both were not like we were before we married. I had my fun by the time I was in 20. I even enlisted to fight in Vietnam to experience war and test myself as a man. When I got back I was ready to settle down despite all former lovers cheating on me. I got it all out of my system. I have had a wonderful marriage, life and career. I would not change a thing since even the bad stuff that happened to me, made me who I am today.

I am trying to show you that who we are or will become is not always what we were in our past. Judge a person by how they are after meeting you. Many guys do not like experienced women because they fear being compared to past lovers in penis size or sexual abilities. Our sex life was something that I never dreamed it could me. I had two women who loved me and each other, over 1,000 FFM threesomes and lots of wild sex. I bet most porn stars have not had as many threesomes as I did or did every fetish that are portrayed in online porn stories and videos. My sex life was better than several porn videos put together and was not rehearsed or peppered with fake orgasms or moans of pleasure. 

My wife had her baggage too. She leaned more towards sex with girls than guys. Her inability to drink alcohol without becoming an alcoholic. Mental issues due to an abusive father who beat his children so severely that they ended up in hospitals at least once. Living with the girlfriend who would end up being the third in our poly triad, to avoid her father. Raising her younger sister and brother when she was a teen herself. We accept and work through things if we truly love each other. I have had relationships with women with a lot of sexual experience and one that wanted an open relationships. Funny thing is that the girls I had relationships with that were sweet innocent things with no sexual experience other than with me, turned out to become drug addicts, mental patients, prostitutes and strippers. I learned early on that you cannot judge a book by its cover or by how many have picked it up and read it. Your enjoyment of the book is not determined by how many read it before you.


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## David51

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OP- I was a drug addict for roughly the same amount of time when I was in my teens. I haven't touched it since and I'm not the same person I was then. She's been clean for 10 years. Who you know is who your wife is. Try to focus on the woman that you know and not who she used to be.




Amen!



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## q79

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm guessing you are religious? Picking within your religion and having the same feelings about certain issues would likely be your best bet.


No I am not religious, but oddly enough her entire family are Catholic and she has brought up going to mass a bunch of times over the years. Go figure. I don't think a person has to be religious not to endorse drug use and general depravity.

Someone asked earlier why we dated for so long before marriage. There were a number of reasons, I wanted to wait for my career situation to settle down so I could stay in one place and set up roots and be financially stable. We were basically married without the paperwork for a long time.

I could have been nicer in the conversation we had about ending the relationship, but I wasn't mean about it either. I just didn't sugar coat how I felt about this. The not telling me, I can honestly understand where she was coming from, I'm not saying it is ok but I get it. It is just that with everything that is there, I can't deal with it. Some people here will think I am insecure or whatever, but I am being honest, it is not something I can know and not hold against her. That is just the truth. I can never look at her and not see that. I am not willing to work though the issue, because I don't have to. I didn't live that life, I didn't make those choices, and I am not going to deal with the fallout of it.


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## q79

Lostinthought61 said:


> I am sure she has gone through a hell, and is a decent person now, but for her to say to you well here is the truth now deal with it and nonsense, no you don't, this is not some badge of courage that has be thrusted upon you. its time to move on, help her with the transition, you owe her that...


The truth is that through talking with her, she doesn't seem to think any of it was that big of a deal. It doesn't seem like she thought it was hell at all. I don't think she ever had the chance to reflect on any of it, she went right from that to me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

If you know you'll use it against her then it's best to leave. It's not fair to her. She doesn't have to feel bad about her past. I don't. 

Just find someone who is more your compatiblity and she'll do the same. 

There's no need to be negative about her or her past.


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## oldshirt

Vinnydee said:


> Our past does not always predict our future. Mine certainly did not. I went from a gang member, gifted student college drop out daily drug user, to one of two top experts in my field worldwide. Despite having 30 sexual partners and many more that I dated or did not have intercourse with, I am married 45 years and very happily too. My wife had her little secret too. She is bisexual but managed to fit it into our marriage by moving in a woman we both knew since we were kids and treated like family already. My wife's background was of a virgin at 19 who never had a boyfriend. Did not touch drugs or drank alcohol since her parents were alcoholics. She was a very sweet and shy girl. She changed after we married too. We short of met in the middle.
> 
> We got engaged 3 weeks after we met. Ten years later she is arranging threesomes with her girlfriends, doing drugs recreationally and trying every sexual fetish in the books. She also did many wild things that most people have in their bucket list. My point is that after we married, we both were not like we were before we married. I had my fun by the time I was in 20. I even enlisted to fight in Vietnam to experience war and test myself as a man. When I got back I was ready to settle down despite all former lovers cheating on me. I got it all out of my system. I have had a wonderful marriage, life and career. I would not change a thing since even the bad stuff that happened to me, made me who I am today.
> 
> I am trying to show you that who we are or will become is not always what we were in our past. Judge a person by how they are after meeting you. Guys do not like experienced women because they fear being compared to past lovers in penis size or sexual abilities. Our sex life was something that I ever dreamed it could me. I had two women who loved me and each other, over 1,000 FFM threesomes and lots of wild sex. I bet most porn stars have as many threesomes as I did or did every fetish that are portrayed in online porn stories and videos. My sex life was better than several porn videos put together and was not rehearsed or peppered with fake orgasms or moans of pleasure.
> 
> My wife had her baggage too. Her leaning more towards sex with girls than guys. Her inability to drink alcohol without becoming an alcoholic. Mental issues due to an abusive father who beat his children so severely that they ended up in hospitals at least once. Living with the girlfriend who would end up being the third in our poly triad, to avoid her father. Raising her younger sister and brother when she was a teen herself. We accept and work through things if we truly love each other. I have had relationships with women with a lot of sexual experience and one that wanted an open relationships. Funny thing is that the girls I had relationships with that were sweet innocent things with no sexual experience other than with me, turned out to become drug addicts, mental patients, prostitutes and strippers. I learned early on that you cannot judge a book by its cover or by how many have picked it up and read it. Your enjoyment of the book is not determined by how many read it before you.



I think everyone realized on an intellectual and logical basis that our lives are never static and because we were a drug dealer or prostitute one day, that that does not mean with will be fixed into that station for life. 

We all understand that people do change over time and that people who have done bad things previously can go to on do great things and vice versa. 

We all assume you are a good person and a good husband and upstanding member of society. But you must also realize that if you were to become divorced or widowed or for some reason find yourself back on the single's market, there will be many women that would not consider you for a partner due to your previous lifestyle, mores, values, beliefs and behaviors. 

They may be missing out on a good guy - but they won't care because they would immediately be turned off by your previous lifestyle. 

That would be compounded if you met some gal you liked but you knew that her values and beliefs were such that she would never entertain the idea of becoming involved with her so you pretended to be traditional and monogamous. If she were to find out after marriage that you in fact had basically lived your adult life in an alternative lifestyle that she found repugnant, she would be rightly disillutioned and feel defrauded. 

But let's also keep in mind that the OP and his wife were NOT living happily ever after and that she was not the perfect wife and lover after they got together. She was having severe sexual dysfunctions with him and was not able or not willing to have an active and satisfying sex life with him. She was having problems to the degree she was in professional therapy and it was only at the direction of the therapist that she disclosed her past to him.

This is NOT really a case of redemption and of turning her life around and living a healthy, happy and productive life after some indiscretions of her youth. She is currently having issues and maladaptions and dysfunctions due to her lifestyle and behaviors. 

And we also have to remember that she did not turn her life around, clean up her act and then met the OP after she had left that life around. It was after they became involved that she (supposedly) stopped the drug use and screwing drug dealers. 

The OP did not sign up for any of this. IMHO he was defrauded and sold a bad bill of goods and was intentionally deceived into believing she was something that she was not. And once they were married, she was not living up to her promises or living up the expectations that any other married person would have. 

This was over the top and was an unreasonable breach of trust and contract.


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## q79

oldshirt said:


> We all assume you are a good person and a good husband and upstanding member of society. But you must also realize that if you were to become divorced or widowed or for some reason find yourself back on the single's market, *there will be many women that would not consider you for a partner due to your previous lifestyle, mores, values, beliefs and behaviors.*


This is totally fine with me. If two people don't fit, they don't fit. But they both should get an honest chance to find out.

I am going to be divorced, although I do not plan to be back out on the market, this experience is going to take some time to get over. At my age(latae 30s), it is probably going to be too late now to meet someone and get married and have children. If I even feel comfortable getting out there. So in the long run, I really am taking a big hit here.

At this point, it seems impossible to imagine myself with another woman, it will take a long time before I would be comfortable with the idea because I have been with the same person for so long, half of my adult life really.

I appreciate everyone's input.


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## Livvie

I didn't think oldshirt was talking to you in that post...

And FYI late 30s for a man to settle down and then have kids is far from late. You men have a decade or more, reasonably, than women do. Not too late at all.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It's not late in general but he is wanting a woman with no casual sex history. Finding that in a 30+ year old woman is a lot more difficult. 
It will be harder for him with such strict requirements of a partner but he seems to know that and is ok with it. If he'd rather be single than with a woman who has had casual sex so be it.


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## WorkingOnMe

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It's not late in general but he is wanting a woman with no casual sex history. Finding that in a 30+ year old woman is a lot more difficult.
> 
> It will be harder for him with such strict requirements of a partner but he seems to know that and is ok with it. If he'd rather be single than with a woman who has had casual sex so be it.




He never said that. He wants someone who doesn't lie about it. And her meth fueled sex history couldn't exactly be described as casual sex. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## David51

WorkingOnMe said:


> He never said that. He wants someone who doesn't lie about it. And her meth fueled sex history couldn't exactly be described as casual sex.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




I fail to see where her sex life before she met him is any of his damn business.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

He has made a few mentions of not wanting a partner who has had casual sex. 
The not being a past drug addict part is easier to find. 
Not having casual sex part is a lot harder. He'll have a hard time with that as a restriction.


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## a_mister

David51 said:


> I fail to see where her sex life before she met him is any of his damn business.
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


While it technically isn't, it seems that she told him because she felt that basing the relationship on covering up her past was too much for her. That's her free choice.

Now that it's out there, it's out there, and who you spend your life with is not a decision to play games with. Nobody is perfect, but there's not some rule book out there that says she's entitled to a good husband regardless of her past. It's her responsibility to find one who wants her for who she is. OP is 100% entitled to make that decision on any factors that matter to his long-term happiness, and learning that she has a history of addiction (which is at least partially genetically influenced), that this continued right up until they met, that it drove a history of very poor judgment about sex, and that it's wrecking their sex life now? 

The strongest indicator of what someone is going to do in the future is what they've done in the past. She wasn't clean for ten years because she realized she needed to change her life around, she cleaned up her act because a new relationship gave her new hope. What happens when they hit the normal ups and downs of a marriage and she is tempted back to fall back on what made her better in the past? I'd want out immediately, too.

More than that, although I always err on the side of honesty, sometimes, telling people the truth is self-serving. It takes the weight off of your shoulders and puts it on theirs. It's interesting that when he tried to talk to her about it, she turned it around and told him that it's his problem to deal with, not hers. 

In fact, _the consequences of her past choices are 100% her problem_.


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## sokillme

David51 said:


> I fail to see where her sex life before she met him is any of his damn business.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



That was probably her attitude as well. See how well that has worked out for her? In life and relationships it's just a better strategy to be open and honest. They would have never even started, she could have met and been married to a man who didn't care. Now her life is blowing up after 10 years.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Not asking didn't work out so well for him either. 

If past is important, you ask. 

Otherwise I'm going to assume that any grown man understands people have sex and do things in their past that doesn't always tell you what kind of person they are. 

If specifics would be a deal breaker then it's on them to let their partner know that.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

In my youth, I was a little on the square side relative to most of my peers. On a couple occasions, I fell for girls who were a little more ... free spirited. They ended up being very adept at giving me the brush off... and rightfully so. Actually, they were quite amazing; let me down far more thoughtfully than the usual mean girl torching of an unwanted advance. They caringly let me know it just wasn't ever going to be a workable match. There were no cliches like "it's not you, it's me." It was more an honest, and even loving, "there can be no us." So when I hear @SlowlyGoingCrazy 's take on this, it makes perfect sense (the idea that some people just aren't compatible, especially if one is wild and another is more straight). She reminds me of those wild, but wise beyond their years, girls of my youth. 

Every once in a while, a song really hits the mark. This is a perfect example:


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## sokillme

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Not asking didn't work out so well for him either.
> 
> If past is important, you ask.
> 
> Otherwise I'm going to assume that any grown man understands people have sex and do things in their past that doesn't always tell you what kind of person they are.
> 
> If specifics would be a deal breaker then it's on them to let their partner know that.


Personally I wouldn't have to ask because I talk freely, if she wasn't a genuinely open person and this didn't come up just by spending time with her I doubt I would date her very long. I like people who are what they are, and are not protective or full of pretense. Frankly I probably know more about people in my work or friends and stuff the most of the people in their lives because I am so open about mine.

I know about infidelity, rapes, abuse, sexuality. People just tell you this stuff, if you are kind and generous with your own life.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

My past drug addiction just doesn't come up. There's no need for it to. 

Oh ya and back when I was doing crack.... 
Oh and when I was hooking up with so and so.... 

I'm not protective or hiding on purpose. It's just not something that comes up. 
Most of the people in my life have no idea, people who know a lot about me. 

Unless asked or the conversation was specific to an event from my past i have no reason to bring it up.


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## oldshirt

q79 said:


> This is totally fine with me. If two people don't fit, they don't fit. But they both should get an honest chance to find out.
> 
> I am going to be divorced, although I do not plan to be back out on the market, this experience is going to take some time to get over. At my age(latae 30s), it is probably going to be too late now to meet someone and get married and have children. If I even feel comfortable getting out there. So in the long run, I really am taking a big hit here.
> 
> At this point, it seems impossible to imagine myself with another woman, it will take a long time before I would be comfortable with the idea because I have been with the same person for so long, half of my adult life really.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's input.


You may have misunderstood my post. I was not directing at to you but was rather responding to Vinnydee's earlier post. 


And you are mistaken about not being able to find another woman and have a family etc. Whether you want to or not is another topic, but late 30s is far from being too late to find the right one and start a family. 

Assuming you are gainfully employed and are still in good shape and haven't let your go and are all fat and slovenly, you are still in season of your dating market value. 

Many men actually peak in their early to mid 30s and then are solid in in their market value for many more years. 

A professional man in good shape in his upper can have a market share of single/divorced women ranging from mid 20s to mid or upper 40s. 

It's understandable that you may not have an interest in dating or searching for another mate at the moment; but to say that you "can't" is entirely inaccurate.


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## oldshirt

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He has made a few mentions of not wanting a partner who has had casual sex.
> The not being a past drug addict part is easier to find.
> Not having casual sex part is a lot harder. He'll have a hard time with that as a restriction.


He hasn't said anything that indicates that some typical casual hook ups at some point in someone's life would be a deal breaker. 

But being a meth head for years and years and screwing multiple dozens of druggies and dealers and having abortions etc as lifestyle is not the same as hooking up with the star quarterback after a night at the campus pub or hooking up with the hot guy in sales in the hotel after a work conference. 

Casual sex is something that happens occasionally in almost every person's life. Spending years and years in the hard drug scene and screwing dozens of drug dealers and meth heads is a character issue and shows a profound difference in values, beliefs and morals.


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## 3Xnocharm

@q79, I have the utmost admiration and respect for you for your honesty with this whole situation. With yourself, with your wife, with us. You know this isnt something you can or want to deal with, and good for you for knowing and saying so.


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## Yeswecan

becareful2 said:


> Yes, she did lie by omission. Yes, she should have disclosed, maybe not everything, but enough to draw the partner's attention so they can ask more if they're so inclined. Why? It's this thing called integrity, maturity, personal accountability, and respect. Maybe the other person would dump us, maybe they won't care, but we should respect them enough to not decide their future for them through our deception. Some here advocate owning our past, while others are selective in that regard and are okay with hiding it from the one person whom they'd eventually publicly vow to honor and respect. Can't have it both ways.


So you then spill(in your relationships) the beans about everything you had done prior to meeting and beginning the dating process? Everything? I believe everyone is selective.


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## samyeagar

Yeswecan said:


> So you then spill(in your relationships) the beans about everything you had done prior to meeting and beginning the dating process? Everything? I believe everyone is selective.


Of course people are selective, else everyone would spend a lifetime recounting their lifetime.

There are some thing that are generally considered outside of the norm that are know deal breaker for many, whether explicitly asked about or not. I mean, there is a difference between getting high on pot and having a few ONS drunk after the bars close a decade ago in college, and not telling someone about that, and being a hard drug addict and drug ***** on the day you start dating someone, and not telling them about that.

The OP's wife's experiences are well outside most people's mundane norm that they expect in someones past. In my case with my wife, many of the things she told me about, I never would have in a million years though to ask about. Just never would have occurred to me. My wife did bring some things up from her past because she knew they have an impact an impact on our present with a strong likelihood of being brought up by other people.


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## wilson

Yeswecan said:


> So you then spill(in your relationships) the beans about everything you had done prior to meeting and beginning the dating process? Everything? I believe everyone is selective.


I don't think you have to mention every sexual partner or drug you tried unless it's greatly at odds with you are now. If you present your self as a clean living, "wait until marriage" type but you used to be a hard-rocking partier, you should let your partner know. They are likely to assume your past is in line with who you are now. On average, that means you've had a handful of partners and tried some drugs but nothing too hard. If your past is significantly different than that, it's proper to let your partner know. That could also mean telling them you're a virgin if you're well past 20-years-old. If you've done things like had kids, been married, gone to prison, done hard drugs regularly, etc., you should let your partner know. If you don't, then you give up any right to be offended that they don't overlook it when they find out after you're married.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

I prefer to ask questions that will give me a picture of what kind of person they are. 

What are your thoughts on casual sex? 
What's your opinions on drugs and alcohol? 

If someone isn't really a match for me, I move on. I don't have to disclose anything but I don't want to be with someone who would judge it even if I did tell them. 

Rule of thumb- if it's important, ask. Never assume. 

Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a SAHP or both working? What's your sexual preferences? 

The fact that I used to be a drug addict changes nothing about who I am now. If people are getting to know me now, this is who I am. Past drug use is irrelevant to that.
But I still wouldn't date someone who was all judgy


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## samyeagar

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I prefer to ask questions that will give me a picture of what kind of person they are.
> 
> What are your thoughts on casual sex?
> What's your opinions on drugs and alcohol?
> 
> If someone isn't really a match for me, I move on. I don't have to disclose anything but I don't want to be with someone who would judge it even if I did tell them.
> 
> Rule of thumb- if it's important, ask. Never assume.
> 
> Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a SAHP or both working? What's your sexual preferences?
> 
> The fact that I used to be a drug addict changes nothing about who I am now. If people are getting to know me now, this is who I am. Past drug use is irrelevant to that.
> But I still wouldn't date someone who was all judgy


Of course that leads to what exactly is the past? Six months? A year? Two years? Five year, ten years?

Also, there is a difference between judging and simply being turned off.


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## ButtPunch

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I prefer to ask questions that will give me a picture of what kind of person they are.
> 
> What are your thoughts on casual sex?
> What's your opinions on drugs and alcohol?
> 
> If someone isn't really a match for me, I move on. I don't have to disclose anything but I don't want to be with someone who would judge it even if I did tell them.
> 
> Rule of thumb- if it's important, ask. Never assume.
> 
> Do you want kids? How many? Do you want a SAHP or both working? What's your sexual preferences?
> 
> The fact that I used to be a drug addict changes nothing about who I am now. If people are getting to know me now, this is who I am. Past drug use is irrelevant to that.
> But I still wouldn't date someone who was all judgy



Addiction has an extremely large genetic component. I would definitely want to know to avoid having addict children. 

People can change for the better but an addict is always an addict. They are just a clean addict when they are sober.

To me, you are withholding info that is a deal breaker for many and you are aware of such.

If you met a man who went to prison for ten years for murder, got out and got engaged should he let his fiance know?

Congrats on being sober and in control of your life.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

samyeagar said:


> Of course that leads to what exactly is the past? Six months? A year? Two years? Five year, ten years?
> 
> Also, there is a difference between judging and simply being turned off.


I can get a basic reading on what kind of person they are by asking questions. 

I feel sex is something that should be done in a relationship vs casual sex is fine and healthy. This tells me a lot about if I'm compatible without having to tell everyone I meet that I sleep with people. 
I also make it very clear that I like sex and it's a priority. 

If after both of these things they are shocked or turned off or judging about my past coming up down the road, that's on them. 

Same with drug use. Many of the men I've spoken to had also had periods of drinking too much or drug use in their past so it's not a big deal thing. I usually simply say that I do not use any drugs and rarely drink. This is the truth. If it comes up I may share a little but I don't have a need to confess to everyone.


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## wilson

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If after both of these things they are shocked or turned off or judging about my past coming up down the road, that's on them.
> 
> Same with drug use. Many of the men I've spoken to had also had periods of drinking too much or drug use in their past so it's not a big deal thing. I usually simply say that I do not use any drugs and rarely drink. This is the truth. If it comes up I may share a little but I don't have a need to confess to everyone.


But then why not tell them up front? If you don't like judgey people, then tell them this stuff. It will be a quick way to filter them out. If they're judgey, you can quickly move on. If they are accepting, then you know it's not an issue.

Obviously you don't have to say all this stuff right after an initial introduction, but if it turns into a significant relationship, you might as well get it out early so you don't waste time with a judgey person.


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## ButtPunch

There is also a world of difference between recreational drug use as a teen or young adult versus
a full blown addict.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

wilson said:


> But then why not tell them up front? If you don't like judgey people, then tell them this stuff. It will be a quick way to filter them out. If they're judgey, you can quickly move on. If they are accepting, then you know it's not an issue.
> 
> Obviously you don't have to say all this stuff right after an initial introduction, but if it turns into a significant relationship, you might as well get it out early so you don't waste time with a judgey person.


The drug addict stuff just doesn't come up. I don't even remember it until something brings it up in my head. For me it's been almost 2 decades and all in my teens so it's really just nothing that comes up in daily life. 
For others, they may just not be comfortable sharing. Or they don't like talking about it. 

The sex stuff, I'm clear enough without needing to go into the details of everything. I just don't care to. It's something that was personal and private between me and another person and it should stay that way. 

Relevant - I've never had an std. I have sex, it's been X amount of time since I've last had sex and have been tested since. I am in birth control. I enjoy a,b,c,and d. I'm not a fan of e, or f. 

Not relevant - how many partners, everything I've tried, how long the relationships were, etc.


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## wilson

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> The drug addict stuff just doesn't come up. I don't even remember it until something brings it up in my head. For me it's been almost 2 decades and all in my teens so it's really just nothing that comes up in daily life.
> For others, they may just not be comfortable sharing. Or they don't like talking about it.


Congrats for recovering from your addiction! It's a significant accomplishment and takes a lot of personal dedication. 

I would venture to guess that you look for signs of judgeyness in your partner anyway. If they are too judgmental, I'm assuming you would likely not get too serious with them in the first place. So it's probably self correcting in most cases.


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## goodgirlgonebad

Your thread actually compelled me to register and reply to you. I was browsing these forums for a different reason, and when I first started reading, I thought it was *my* husband posting about *me*. The only difference is that we don't have sexual issues, and he knew I was a druggie when he met me - just never the full extent because he's never asked and honestly doesn't want to know. His idea of my past is probably closer to the truth now simply as stories about our lives have come to be told over time, but even now, he doesn't know just how deep into the drugs I was. He absolutely does not know the number of sexual partners I had. That's a terrible question/terrible thing to know for any relationship. There will never be a right answer for that one. 

I don't know your wife's mind, but I can share a little about my own. Yes, meeting and dating my husband and spending a ton of time together initially helped me get out of that lifestyle. However, he was never a crutch. He was a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Yes, he's a nice guy, but I definitely didn't settle for him. I absolutely fell in love with him, and the fact that he was so different from other men was a huge factor in that. If he had simply been a nice guy offering me an out, I would never have stayed on the straight and narrow. Drugs were too important to me. I found something greater than drugs in him. Something I could not find even in myself at the time - I kept quitting and relapsing, even with family support. Perhaps I was able to see better into myself and who I could be because of what he saw in me. I was ready to make changes, but it was his love and character that finally inspired me to make them stick. I knew I would lose him if I didn't completely commit to a new path. All the while, he had no idea of the struggle I went through during that first year of our relationship. 

I can also tell you that apart from pure sexual details, I am the type who wants to know and be known. I have struggled with wanting to tell MORE of my story to him, but I can't because I know he simply would rather not hear about it - I've asked him. I also want to know any dark parts or details that have shaped him - he'd rather not share. These things do not define us, but they obviously have an impact. That impact is not inherently negative, either. I think living at the bottom for a time can at least help you understand people a little more. Not to mention, and this is huge, overcoming that type of lifestyle takes a tremendous amount of strength, patience, and self-reflection. These are not bad qualities in a life partner. 

Maybe she's wanted to tell you things for a long time. Truly longed to. Fear stopped her. I understand feeling lied to and questioning what your relationship meant to her. I really do. I would also like you to consider another side of the coin, though. As her partner in life, wouldn't you rather she feel comfortable and one enough with you to share without fear? You can't say her fear wasn't justified given your current thoughts on the matter. I'd also like to mention that no one is under any obligation to tell you their whole life story on the first few dates. At the point where it might have been appropriate for her to share, you would likely have already been in love with her. So what does it matter? 

Don't throw away 10 years over things that happened BEFORE you were around. Things that she has faced and is facing. Obviously, therapy means she's willing to put work in. If she didn't care about the state of sex in your marriage, she wouldn't be going. Maybe you guys need some joint sessions. Maybe, most of all, you need to COMMUNICATE. Lovingly and respectfully tell her your fears. 

Or maybe she's a completely terrible person who doesn't love you at all and has managed to hide that from you for all of this time. Hint: If you've felt loved and thought highly of her all this time, then it is highly unlikely she's been pulling a decade-long con of that magnitude on you. 

People are never just black and white.

Everyone has their baggage. It may be different, but there is always something in someone's past that you might want to wish away.


----------



## goodgirlgonebad

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> My past drug addiction just doesn't come up. There's no need for it to.
> 
> Oh ya and back when I was doing crack....
> Oh and when I was hooking up with so and so....
> 
> I'm not protective or hiding on purpose. It's just not something that comes up.
> Most of the people in my life have no idea, people who know a lot about me.
> 
> Unless asked or the conversation was specific to an event from my past i have no reason to bring it up.


This is also 100% me. I do feel compelled to share with very specific, special people. Some people just don't want to know. It makes me sad because I feel like I am hiding part of myself. At the same time, that can be best. My father knew I had a drug problem, for example, but only my mother knew I was smoking crack. Even when told and presented with evidence that things were more serious than he thought, he didn't want to believe anything but his version of events. I don't think that means I was living a lie around my dad.


----------



## JayDee7

Remind yourself that she is with you now. The things she did with someone else were before she knew you, and she did them very few times compared to the years and years she's been with you. Remember all the life you've shared with her and how much that means to you. It'll eat you inside if you don't get past this, it leads nowhere to continue dwelling. She cannot change the past. Here she is now.


----------



## sokillme

goodgirlgonebad said:


> Your thread actually compelled me to register and reply to you. I was browsing these forums for a different reason, and when I first started reading, I thought it was *my* husband posting about *me*. The only difference is that we don't have sexual issues, and he knew I was a druggie when he met me - just never the full extent because he's never asked and honestly doesn't want to know. His idea of my past is probably closer to the truth now simply as stories about our lives have come to be told over time, but even now, he doesn't know just how deep into the drugs I was. He absolutely does not know the number of sexual partners I had. That's a terrible question/terrible thing to know for any relationship. There will never be a right answer for that one.
> 
> I don't know your wife's mind, but I can share a little about my own. Yes, meeting and dating my husband and spending a ton of time together initially helped me get out of that lifestyle. However, he was never a crutch. He was a light at the end of a very dark tunnel. Yes, he's a nice guy, but I definitely didn't settle for him. I absolutely fell in love with him, and the fact that he was so different from other men was a huge factor in that. If he had simply been a nice guy offering me an out, I would never have stayed on the straight and narrow. Drugs were too important to me. I found something greater than drugs in him. Something I could not find even in myself at the time - I kept quitting and relapsing, even with family support. Perhaps I was able to see better into myself and who I could be because of what he saw in me. I was ready to make changes, but it was his love and character that finally inspired me to make them stick. I knew I would lose him if I didn't completely commit to a new path. All the while, he had no idea of the struggle I went through during that first year of our relationship.
> 
> I can also tell you that apart from pure sexual details, I am the type who wants to know and be known. I have struggled with wanting to tell MORE of my story to him, but I can't because I know he simply would rather not hear about it - I've asked him. I also want to know any dark parts or details that have shaped him - he'd rather not share. These things do not define us, but they obviously have an impact. That impact is not inherently negative, either. I think living at the bottom for a time can at least help you understand people a little more. Not to mention, and this is huge, overcoming that type of lifestyle takes a tremendous amount of strength, patience, and self-reflection. These are not bad qualities in a life partner.
> 
> Maybe she's wanted to tell you things for a long time. Truly longed to. Fear stopped her. I understand feeling lied to and questioning what your relationship meant to her. I really do. I would also like you to consider another side of the coin, though. As her partner in life, wouldn't you rather she feel comfortable and one enough with you to share without fear? You can't say her fear wasn't justified given your current thoughts on the matter. I'd also like to mention that no one is under any obligation to tell you their whole life story on the first few dates. At the point where it might have been appropriate for her to share, you would likely have already been in love with her. So what does it matter?
> 
> Don't throw away 10 years over things that happened BEFORE you were around. Things that she has faced and is facing. Obviously, therapy means she's willing to put work in. If she didn't care about the state of sex in your marriage, she wouldn't be going. Maybe you guys need some joint sessions. Maybe, most of all, you need to COMMUNICATE. Lovingly and respectfully tell her your fears.
> 
> Or maybe she's a completely terrible person who doesn't love you at all and has managed to hide that from you for all of this time. Hint: If you've felt loved and thought highly of her all this time, then it is highly unlikely she's been pulling a decade-long con of that magnitude on you.
> 
> People are never just black and white.
> 
> Everyone has their baggage. It may be different, but there is always something in someone's past that you might want to wish away.


This is very brave of you, and I think you do a very good job of humanizing the other side of this situation. 

If I could I would like to ask you some questions, feel free not to answer. 

First of am a safe in assuming that you were never secretive about your past it was more like when you brought it up he said he didn't want to know. I see that as very different then hiding your past. He knows he just doesn't want to know the details. 

Pardon me for being this blunt but how has your past effected your sexual life? Are there things that he might want to do what you won't because you felt compelled to do them because of your addiction and maybe you had a bad experience? This one to me would be a big disappointment. I would feel like I am paying for crimes of someone else. Though I probably would get over it. How has it effected your feelings about men? Are there things that you wouldn't tell him because you know they would be deal breakers? Is there anything out there that could end up on the internet, or people from your past that you worry about showing up?

What are your thoughts on sex as far as intimacy and that with your husband? Are you happy with your relationship in that way? Did you ever experience any issues because of your past. Has he ever experienced any issue with intimacy with you as far as you know?

How about drugs? Do you drink recreationally? How about children? What will you tell them if they ask? Do you worry that there seems to be a genetic component of addiction and that it may be hereditary?

I know these are a bunch of hard questions but you were brave enough to post. Again I don't think your situation is the same because in my mind from the way you describe it you have always been authentic. My biggest problem in all this is the authenticity of this women. That's just me though. Presumably he is the primary person in her life, and she wasn't compelled to share her story with him. That would be just too far a bridge for me. That says to me that she doesn't have the ability to have the kind of intimacy and authenticity that I need in a relationship. 

My wife had other boyfriends before me, I was not her first. I don't really know the details I guess I could if I wanted to, I just don't care. The one thing we agreed on was that we both though of sex as something that was shared with someone you were in love with. So both our counts are low. She may have 1 or 2 higher then me. Now if I found out she was lying and had a bunch of one night stands I would probably be very upset about that. Not because of the one night stands but because she presented herself and what she said was important to her as something very different then was true. That idea of us thinking the same way was something that attracted me to her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.


----------



## goodgirlgonebad

sokillme said:


> This is very brave of you, and I think you do a very good job of humanizing the other side of this situation.
> 
> If I could I would like to ask you some questions, feel free not to answer.
> 
> First of am a safe in assuming that you were never secretive about your past it was more like when you brought it up he said he didn't want to know. I see that as very different then hiding your past. He knows he just doesn't want to know the details.
> 
> Pardon me for being this blunt but how has your past effected your sexual life? Are there things that he might want to do what you won't because you felt compelled to do them because of your addiction and maybe you had a bad experience? This one to me would be a big disappointment. I would feel like I am paying for crimes of someone else. Though I probably would get over it. How has it effected your feelings about men? Are there things that you wouldn't tell him because you know they would be deal breakers? Is there anything out there that could end up on the internet, or people from your past that you worry about showing up?
> 
> What are your thoughts on sex as far as intimacy and that with your husband? Are you happy with your relationship in that way? Did you ever experience any issues because of your past. Has he ever experienced any issue with intimacy with you as far as you know?
> 
> How about drugs? Do you drink recreationally? How about children? What will you tell them if they ask? Do you worry that there seems to be a genetic component of addiction and that it may be hereditary?
> 
> I know these are a bunch of hard questions but you were brave enough to post. Again I don't think your situation is the same because in my mind from the way you describe it you have always been authentic. My biggest problem in all this is the authenticity of this women. That's just me though.


I will absolutely answer to the best of my ability. I don't have the time at the moment, but I will come back to this thread tomorrow.


----------



## sokillme

goodgirlgonebad said:


> I will absolutely answer to the best of my ability. I don't have the time at the moment, but I will come back to this thread tomorrow.


I added more as I am want to do, so before you might want to read it again.


----------



## TAM2013

David51 said:


> I fail to see where her sex life before she met him is any of his damn business.


Not being the chump who commits when all those prior got it for free, maybe? (He's not getting any now)

Not having a buddy pull him aside and tell him she's in a gangbang video?

I could go on.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

TAM2013 said:


> *Not being the chump who commits when all those prior got it for free*, maybe? (He's not getting any now)


Really? If this is the reason a man is committing, what woman would want that anyway? Committing to someone isn't the fee you pay to have sex. No one got it "for free" because commitment isn't a cost. You commit to someone because you want a life with them.


----------



## TAM2013

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Really? If this is the reason a man is committing, what woman would want that anyway?


One who hasn't given herself away for free.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one got it "for free" because commitment isn't a cost.


It is when it turns out like this. Which is exactly why OP is here.


----------



## David51

TAM2013 said:


> Not being the chump who commits when all those prior got it for free, maybe? (He's not getting any now)
> 
> Not having a buddy pull him aside and tell him she's in a gangbang video?
> 
> I could go on.



You ever hear the phrase "don't shoot the messenger"?
He would not have listened probably would have stopped talking to his buddy. Another old saying. "Love is blind". 
Since he isn't getting any now that tells me she has done an about face. I never read his posting but did read the comments I have never shared my previous sex life with my wife and have n ver even been interested in knowing about hers. I did date a woman for awhile when I was between wives that had a questionable past but she was a lot of fun!
So why has she cut him off or has she said?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TX-SC

Assuming she brought no STDs into the marriage, I would use this as a chance to become even closer to my wife. I would be the one supporting her and letting her know that no matter what, I have her back. I would lend a shoulder for her lean on. In essence, I would be the MAN that none of these drugged up idiots before me could be.

Your wife had an addiction and acted like an addict generally acts. She has changed and appears to love you. Be there for her. What matters is who she has been since you married her.


----------



## TAM2013

q79 said:


> She told me that to her sex was just something you do, that it had no meaning. She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them.





TX-SC said:


> I would be the one supporting her and letting her know that no matter what, I have her back. I would lend a shoulder for her lean on. In essence, I would be the MAN that none of these drugged up idiots before me could be.


This is nice, TX-SC. But from what OP said in his first post, she doesn't seem to be the kind of WOMAN who deserves unrelenting chivalry.



David51 said:


> I did date a woman for awhile when I was between wives that had a questionable past but she was a lot of fun!


But you didn't risk commitment, right?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

TAM2013 said:


> But you didn't risk commitment, right?


Any man who would "give it away for free" to a woman he wouldn't "risk commitment" should be just as bad. Why would any woman risk commuting to a man who just gave other women a free sample? 


I didn't get this sense from the OP at all. 

She isn't his type, that is fine and honest. 

But I didn't get a sense of him being all mad that he paid the cost of commitment when she gave it to others "for free" 

Honestly if he felt like that he wouldn't deserve any woman. We aren't for sale. Our having sex with you isn't a bartered good.


----------



## GusPolinski

TX-SC said:


> Assuming she brought no STDs into the marriage, I would use this as a chance to become even closer to my wife. I would be the one supporting her and letting her know that no matter what, I have her back. I would lend a shoulder for her lean on. In essence, I would be the MAN that none of these drugged up idiots before me could be.
> 
> Your wife had an addiction and acted like an addict generally acts. She has changed and appears to love you. Be there for her. What matters is who she has been since you married her.


How easy do you think it would be for your average guy to get closer to a wife that won't have sex with him?


----------



## Lostinthought61

TX-SC said:


> Assuming she brought no STDs into the marriage, I would use this as a chance to become even closer to my wife. I would be the one supporting her and letting her know that no matter what, I have her back. I would lend a shoulder for her lean on. In essence, I would be the MAN that none of these drugged up idiots before me could be.
> 
> Your wife had an addiction and acted like an addict generally acts. She has changed and appears to love you. Be there for her. What matters is who she has been since you married her.


And where was her back for him early in the relationship? Where was the back when it came to honesty, where was his ability to decide before they got married if he could handle and accept her....none...goose egg, there was lies and deceit.....there entire marriage was based on false pretense.....sorry he is under no obligation to stick around...if he had stayed it would only validate to her that she can hold back anything from him in the future and then drop months or years later and we will just stick around....that is crap.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

They did have good sex then something happened that made her stop and she went to therapy and the therapist said she needed to tell her husband about her past. She likely got triggered by something. 

At that point he had a choice to support her, sex would have likely resumed because she feels safe again. 

Or leave, because like he said he can no longer sleep with her or want her anymore anyways. 

I think it's a good sign on her part that she recognized a problem that was affecting her sex life and went to a therapist for advice on how to deal. 

Hopefully she'll stick with it through the divorce and they will both move on and be happy.


----------



## oldshirt

TX-SC said:


> Assuming she brought no STDs into the marriage, I would use this as a chance to become even closer to my wife. I would be the one supporting her and letting her know that no matter what, I have her back. I would lend a shoulder for her lean on. In essence, I would be the MAN that none of these drugged up idiots before me could be.
> 
> Your wife had an addiction and acted like an addict generally acts. She has changed and appears to love you. Be there for her. What matters is who she has been since you married her.


That sounds comforting and every grandmother of a druggie would hope their grandchild would find someone like you. 

But we have to keep in mind this was done under deception and false pretenses. 

He was not making an informed decision when he was dating and marrying her. She was not who and what she was presenting herself to be. 

And she was not relating intimately with him and was not sexually interactive with him within their marriage. In other words she wasn't attracted to and sexual with the man that loved and honored her and treated her well but she had been for all those druggies, dealers and losers. What self respecting MAN would accept that? 

Her past which he was unaware of and deceived about was causing dysfunctions in their present day marriage. 

If someone makes the decision to stay and help someone after that, that is their choice. But it is also a valid choice and decision to decide that that is just too much baggage and too much of a breach of trust.


----------



## TAM2013

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Why would any woman risk commuting to a man who just gave other women a free sample?.


Why would any man risk it? As I said above. He shouldn't. We agree.



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Our having sex with you isn't a bartered good.


Seems she bartered with exactly that to get his commitment. Bung in a bit of deceit for good measure and yeah, why the fvck would anyone risk it?


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

She didn't barter sex to get the op to marry her. They didn't even marry for 10 years. He had a very clear picture of who she was now when they married. He spent 10 years with her. 

This idea that men buy sex with commitment and she "gave it away for free" to others is ... horrible. 

Cause you got the raw end of the deal by being in a relationship? If you want "free" sex go have it. If you want a relationship, go have that. But don't think you had to pay for sex because you chose to be in a relationship with someone. 

Commitment is not payment. Sex is not something you buy from your partner.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She didn't barter sex to get the op to marry her. They didn't even marry for 10 years. He had a very clear picture of who she was now when they married. He spent 10 years with her.
> 
> This idea that men buy sex with commitment and she "gave it away for free" to others is ... horrible.
> 
> Cause you got the raw end of the deal by being in a relationship? If you want "free" sex go have it. If you want a relationship, go have that. But don't think you had to pay for sex because you chose to be in a relationship with someone.
> 
> Commitment is not payment. *Sex is not something you buy from your partner.*


But there are a lot of spouses that use sex to control or barter with their spouse. "If you buy me x,or go do y, I will have sex with U".

It ain't right, buy it happens alot.


----------



## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She didn't barter sex to get the op to marry her. They didn't even marry for 10 years. He had a very clear picture of who she was now when they married. He spent 10 years with her.
> 
> This idea that men buy sex with commitment and she "gave it away for free" to others is ... horrible.
> 
> Cause you got the raw end of the deal by being in a relationship? If you want "free" sex go have it. If you want a relationship, go have that. But don't think you had to pay for sex because you chose to be in a relationship with someone.
> 
> Commitment is not payment. *Sex is not something you buy from your partner.*


Actually it is.

It's just that money isn't -- or shouldn't be -- the currency that one uses to do it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

No one buys sex from me. I do it with someone I want to do it with. 

If you have to buy sex from your partner in any way, that is really wrong. 

Have sex with your partner because you both want to. Buying assumes it's something you're trying to get from her. 
That mindset would be a serious mood killer for most women. 


Anyway, this OP did not buy her sex with commitment. 

I don't get any sense that he feels he had to pay for something she gave away "for free" to others. 

Simply that her past doesn't suit his morals and what he finds attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. They just aren't a match.


----------



## Nucking Futs

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one buys sex from me. I do it with someone I want to do it with.
> 
> If you have to buy sex from your partner in any way, that is really wrong.
> 
> Have sex with your partner because you both want to. Buying assumes it's something you're trying to get from her.
> That mindset would be a serious mood killer for most women.
> 
> 
> *Anyway, this OP did not buy her sex with commitment. *
> 
> I don't get any sense that he feels he had to pay for something she gave away "for free" to others.
> 
> Simply that her past doesn't suit his morals and what he finds attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. They just aren't a match.


Clearly, since they were in a sexless marriage.


----------



## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one buys sex from me. I do it with someone I want to do it with.


And there's something about each of them that persuades you to have sex with each of them, correct?

That's the currency.

All that aside, though, this is exceedingly simple:

Sex means something more than just getting off to some people, and to others it doesn't.

Sex has an inherent value to some people, and to others it doesn't.

Sex is more than "just something people do" to some people, and to others it isn't.

The two value sets, at their core, are exceedingly incompatible, and especially when one is held by one spouse/partner and the other is held by the other spouse/partner.

But hey, let's all shame him into changing his value set so that he continues to accommodate someone incapable of bonding with him in a normal, natural way.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Yes, and I said her past isn't inline with his morals and wants for a partner and that's fine. They can each find someone more suitable. 

But you don't buy sex. It's a ridiculous concept stemmed from sex being something women give and men want and the who "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" nonsense. It assumes sex is a commodity women sell you in exchange for your marriage and that if she does it with anyone else they got it "for free" 

It's a very sick concept. Not one I think the OP has shown he believes in. He was with her, with sex, for the first 10 years without marriage. 

Her past just isn't something he wants. That's fine. It's good he knows it and knows himself enough to know he would hold it against her if he stayed and he took the high road instead. It's very mature, no shame at all. 

His wife seems to be taking the most amount of shaming.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

Interesting that you took off the part of my quote where I said op wasn't a "buying sex guy" and just didn't feel her past was inline with his morals and that is fine. 

And responded by saying they are morally incompatible but I can keep shaming him into dealing with it.


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Anyway, this OP did not buy her sex with commitment.
> 
> I don't get any sense that he feels he had to pay for something she gave away "for free" to others.
> 
> Simply that her past doesn't suit his morals and what he finds attractive. There's nothing wrong with that. They just aren't a match.


----------



## GusPolinski

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Interesting that you took off the part of my quote where I said op wasn't a "buying sex guy" and just didn't feel her past was inline with his morals and that is fine.
> 
> And responded by saying they are morally incompatible by I can keep shaming him into dealing with it.


Wasn't done.


----------



## MicroStorm

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> No one buys sex from me. *I do it with someone I want to do it with.*


Presented with no comment:



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> it was an extreme night
> 5 hours of on and off oral/anal/PIV/rough oral tied up which *I really do hate* cause I still throw up every time, rimming, some belt and paddle spanking time, *making and serving* him his dinner.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/388601-taking-long-time-finish-2.html#post18202265


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy

MicroStorm said:


> Presented with no comment:
> 
> 
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/388601-taking-long-time-finish-2.html#post18202265


And? That says nothing about having to "buy sex" with commitment from a woman and is off topic.


----------



## goodgirlgonebad

sokillme said:


> This is very brave of you, and I think you do a very good job of humanizing the other side of this situation.
> 
> If I could I would like to ask you some questions, feel free not to answer.
> 
> First of am a safe in assuming that you were never secretive about your past it was more like when you brought it up he said he didn't want to know. I see that as very different then hiding your past. He knows he just doesn't want to know the details.
> 
> Pardon me for being this blunt but how has your past effected your sexual life? Are there things that he might want to do what you won't because you felt compelled to do them because of your addiction and maybe you had a bad experience? This one to me would be a big disappointment. I would feel like I am paying for crimes of someone else. Though I probably would get over it. How has it effected your feelings about men? Are there things that you wouldn't tell him because you know they would be deal breakers? Is there anything out there that could end up on the internet, or people from your past that you worry about showing up?
> 
> What are your thoughts on sex as far as intimacy and that with your husband? Are you happy with your relationship in that way? Did you ever experience any issues because of your past. Has he ever experienced any issue with intimacy with you as far as you know?
> 
> How about drugs? Do you drink recreationally? How about children? What will you tell them if they ask? Do you worry that there seems to be a genetic component of addiction and that it may be hereditary?
> 
> I know these are a bunch of hard questions but you were brave enough to post. Again I don't think your situation is the same because in my mind from the way you describe it you have always been authentic. My biggest problem in all this is the authenticity of this women. That's just me though. Presumably he is the primary person in her life, and she wasn't compelled to share her story with him. That would be just too far a bridge for me. That says to me that she doesn't have the ability to have the kind of intimacy and authenticity that I need in a relationship.
> 
> My wife had other boyfriends before me, I was not her first. I don't really know the details I guess I could if I wanted to, I just don't care. The one thing we agreed on was that we both though of sex as something that was shared with someone you were in love with. So both our counts are low. She may have 1 or 2 higher then me. Now if I found out she was lying and had a bunch of one night stands I would probably be very upset about that. Not because of the one night stands but because she presented herself and what she said was important to her as something very different then was true. That idea of us thinking the same way was something that attracted me to her. I don't think there is anything wrong with that.


Ok, let's start off with what he knew and how he knew it. Back then, anyone could look at me and tell I liked to party. I didn't hide the fact that I liked to drink a bit and was most definitely a stoner. That's how he knew I was living a lifestyle that was contrary to his, and he does not like that lifestyle at all. The picture he had of me at that time was overshadowed by a desire to date me after we spent some time together as friends. What was not obvious was that I was an actual addict and that pot, alcohol, and partying were merely the tip of the iceberg. He didn't know about my chronic and ongoing cocaine use - which as I mentioned, was actually crack use at that point. Had he known that, I know he would have never asked me out on a date. I did tell him, after we became exclusive, that I had struggled a little with coke. That was it. He didn't ask much. I suppose you could say he took a chance on me (don't we all when we start falling for someone?), and no, he didn't have all the information. So there was omission/assumptions at the start of our relationship. Same with my sexual history. 

Let's talk about sex. I told him when we met that I didn't believe in or enjoy casual sex much - same opinion for him. This was true and in no way a lie. I did have plenty of casual sex, though. It was contrary to my beliefs and what I truly wanted, and I never found it satisfying. People can have conflicting values and actions. It happens. My "count" (people really need to not get hung up on that) is significantly higher than his. Like the drug use, he knows I've slept with more people but not the extent. Like the drug use, if he had a more complete picture, he may have reconsidered asking me out. 

It wasn't my job at the time to know his mind and everything about him and his values and warn him away from me. That's a ridiculous idea that some posters have presented, to be honest. I also don't buy the idea that 2 people who have been happily compatible for a decade are suddenly not compatible because of things that happened prior to the relationship. Sorry to the OP, but dirty laundry comes out sometimes. There's likely more to the lack of sex than just the wife's issues from her past. Something doesn't add up. Meaning, she may have had a bad reaction to something, but the OP may have things he can be doing or is not doing on his end as well. The two of them really need to communicate. I get the sense that these are things/this marriage is something they are tackling as individuals and not as a team. 

I had sex for the wrong reasons. It wasn't a way to barter. It was more that I didn't care about myself. I didn't feel a sense of ownership or respect towards my own body - not the same as someone who feels just fine about their body and sexual side and simply views sex differently/casually. It also was a way to forget and distract even though I knew that because of my feelings on sex, it was causing me harm to behave casually with it. I never had an unplanned pregnancy or an STD, but that's more luck than anything else. I did get tested for HIV/Hepatitis, so I was responsible in that sense. 

Basically, I had serious issues, and our relationship logically shouldn't have worked out. But it did. Logically, I should have screwed everything up and stayed screwed up. But I didn't. If any of his friends or family, the people who adore me now, had known more about me, they would have told him to run screaming in the other direction. Apparently, we were just what each other needed at that time, and I/we were the exception to logic. Let's also not forget that he's an imperfect person as well. There were things in his past that weren't ideal. They were just different from mine. We both brought some broken parts to the table. 

All right, let me start going through your questions.

1) Dealbreakers - As I mentioned, there were likely things that would have been dealbreakers at the start. As for now, if he asked, I would answer honestly and not be afraid of him suddenly deciding our marriage was a total sham. We're long past that. No more dealbreakers exist from my past, in my opinion. He might not like the new knowledge and might look at me a little differently, but I'm confident in my feelings on this. 

2) Our sex life - Hmm. I would say I'm fairly "normal", but I do have a high sex drive, and there are things that *I* desire that simply have to stay fantasy because he's not into them. In the sense that we have satisfying sex (just about guaranteed orgasms + emotional component), we're very sexually compatible. When it comes to the desire to be adventurous or the desired frequency, we will always be different. I think I can actually relate better to men whose wives have issues with sex than I can the women. My husband is the one who has issues with low drive. I want him to tell me his fantasies. I would do just about anything he wanted. He just isn't interested. We used to fight about it. Over time, I accepted it. Eventually, he took ownership of it and started to put a lot of effort in. We've come a long way in that regard. I'm not sure my past really has much to do with any of it, actually. Some of my fantasies may be related, however. Sex will always be an issue for us (moreso for me I guess), but our relationship is worth it. 

Oh, and since this is what most men would be asking: I don't reminisce about prior partners and think that I preferred their body or the sex I had with them to my husband. For me, that emotional component was a huge piece of the puzzle. I don't think about prior sex experiences much at all. They weren't satisfying because they weren't (for me) whole or complete experiences. I craved a real connection, and my husband is the only man that I have experienced that with. Not to say I didn't have some sort of connection with some of them, but it wasn't the same at all. 

3) Kids/current use - I don't use any drugs or really drink. I did get into wine a little bit this past year, but prior to that, I could count on one hand the number of times I have been drunk in the last 10 years. I don't have kids. There's a genetic component to a lot of things. Unless you're going to do genetic screening on all potential partners or have one of those crazy diseases where both parents carry a gene and suddenly you have kids allergic to sunlight or something, it's not something I would worry about. You can't control everything in life. 

If I did have kids, I would be the mom who would know immediately if they started experimenting. I pulled so much crap on my own parents. I know all the tricks and signs. I also have the experience of knowing what tactics my parents used that did more harm than good. I'd like to think that if it became an issue in my child's life, my experiences would actually be an asset when it came to talking to them and handling the situation. Ultimately, once they reached a certain age, just like the genetic thing, I also know I would have limited/no control over their choices. There was nothing my parents could have done to stop me from turning into the monster I became in later adolescence/early adulthood. They had their issues, but they didn't use drugs or abuse me.


----------



## samyeagar

At it's core, pretty much every relationship is a barter. Every person has a prioritized list of things they want in a relationship, and things they are willing and able to offer to someone else in a relationship. When two people get together, they compare those lists, and generally, the more wants and offers that mutually line up, the more compatible the couple is considered. It may not usually be presented as obviously transactional as that, but that is exactly what it is at its core.


----------



## samyeagar

goodgirlgonebad said:


> Ok, let's start off with what he knew and how he knew it. Back then, anyone could look at me and tell I liked to party. I didn't hide the fact that I liked to drink a bit and was most definitely a stoner. That's how he knew I was living a lifestyle that was contrary to his, and he does not like that lifestyle at all. The picture he had of me at that time was overshadowed by a desire to date me after we spent some time together as friends. What was not obvious was that I was an actual addict and that pot, alcohol, and partying were merely the tip of the iceberg. He didn't know about my chronic and ongoing cocaine use - which as I mentioned, was actually crack use at that point. Had he known that, I know he would have never asked me out on a date. I did tell him, after we became exclusive, that I had struggled a little with coke. That was it. He didn't ask much. I suppose you could say he took a chance on me (don't we all when we start falling for someone?), and no, he didn't have all the information. So there was omission/assumptions at the start of our relationship. Same with my sexual history.
> 
> Let's talk about sex. I told him when we met that I didn't believe in or enjoy casual sex much - same opinion for him. This was true and in no way a lie. I did have plenty of casual sex, though. It was contrary to my beliefs and what I truly wanted, and I never found it satisfying. People can have conflicting values and actions. It happens. My "count" (people really need to not get hung up on that) is significantly higher than his. Like the drug use, he knows I've slept with more people but not the extent. Like the drug use, if he had a more complete picture, he may have reconsidered asking me out.
> 
> It wasn't my job at the time to know his mind and everything about him and his values and warn him away from me. That's a ridiculous idea that some posters have presented, to be honest. I also don't buy the idea that 2 people who have been happily compatible for a decade are suddenly not compatible because of things that happened prior to the relationship. Sorry to the OP, but dirty laundry comes out sometimes. There's likely more to the lack of sex than just the wife's issues from her past. Something doesn't add up. Meaning, she may have had a bad reaction to something, but the OP may have things he can be doing or is not doing on his end as well. The two of them really need to communicate. I get the sense that these are things/this marriage is something they are tackling as individuals and not as a team.
> 
> I had sex for the wrong reasons. It wasn't a way to barter. It was more that I didn't care about myself. I didn't feel a sense of ownership or respect towards my own body - not the same as someone who feels just fine about their body and sexual side and simply views sex differently/casually. It also was a way to forget and distract even though I knew that because of my feelings on sex, it was causing me harm to behave casually with it. I never had an unplanned pregnancy or an STD, but that's more luck than anything else. I did get tested for HIV/Hepatitis, so I was responsible in that sense.
> 
> Basically, I had serious issues, and our relationship logically shouldn't have worked out. But it did. Logically, I should have screwed everything up and stayed screwed up. But I didn't. If any of his friends or family, the people who adore me now, had known more about me, they would have told him to run screaming in the other direction. Apparently, we were just what each other needed at that time, and I/we were the exception to logic. Let's also not forget that he's an imperfect person as well. There were things in his past that weren't ideal. They were just different from mine. We both brought some broken parts to the table.
> 
> All right, let me start going through your questions.
> 
> 1) Dealbreakers - As I mentioned, there were likely things that would have been dealbreakers at the start. As for now, if he asked, I would answer honestly and not be afraid of him suddenly deciding our marriage was a total sham. We're long past that. No more dealbreakers exist from my past, in my opinion. He might not like the new knowledge and might look at me a little differently, but I'm confident in my feelings on this.
> 
> 2) Our sex life - Hmm. I would say I'm fairly "normal", but I do have a high sex drive, and there are things that *I* desire that simply have to stay fantasy because he's not into them. In the sense that we have satisfying sex (just about guaranteed orgasms + emotional component), we're very sexually compatible. When it comes to the desire to be adventurous or the desired frequency, we will always be different. I think I can actually relate better to men whose wives have issues with sex than I can the women. My husband is the one who has issues with low drive. I want him to tell me his fantasies. I would do just about anything he wanted. He just isn't interested. We used to fight about it. Over time, I accepted it. Eventually, he took ownership of it and started to put a lot of effort in. We've come a long way in that regard. I'm not sure my past really has much to do with any of it, actually. Some of my fantasies may be related, however. Sex will always be an issue for us (moreso for me I guess), but our relationship is worth it.
> 
> Oh, and since this is what most men would be asking: I don't reminisce about prior partners and think that I preferred their body or the sex I had with them to my husband. For me, that emotional component was a huge piece of the puzzle. I don't think about prior sex experiences much at all. They weren't satisfying because they weren't (for me) whole or complete experiences. I craved a real connection, and my husband is the only man that I have experienced that with. Not to say I didn't have some sort of connection with some of them, but it wasn't the same at all.
> 
> 3) Kids/current use - I don't use any drugs or really drink. I did get into wine a little bit this past year, but prior to that, I could count on one hand the number of times I have been drunk in the last 10 years. I don't have kids. There's a genetic component to a lot of things. Unless you're going to do genetic screening on all potential partners or have one of those crazy diseases where both parents carry a gene and suddenly you have kids allergic to sunlight or something, it's not something I would worry about. You can't control everything in life.
> 
> If I did have kids, I would be the mom who would know immediately if they started experimenting. I pulled so much crap on my own parents. I know all the tricks and signs. I also have the experience of knowing what tactics my parents used that did more harm than good. I'd like to think that if it became an issue in my child's life, my experiences would actually be an asset when it came to talking to them and handling the situation. Ultimately, once they reached a certain age, just like the genetic thing, I also know I would have limited/no control over their choices. There was nothing my parents could have done to stop me from turning into the monster I became in later adolescence/early adulthood. They had their issues, but they didn't use drugs or abuse me.


I think this is deserving of a new thread. Less because it is kind of a thread jack here, but more because this is some very valuable and helpful insight.


----------



## sokillme

goodgirlgonebad said:


> Ok, let's start off with what he knew and how he knew it. Back then, anyone could look at me and tell I liked to party. I didn't hide the fact that I liked to drink a bit and was most definitely a stoner. That's how he knew I was living a lifestyle that was contrary to his, and he does not like that lifestyle at all. The picture he had of me at that time was overshadowed by a desire to date me after we spent some time together as friends. What was not obvious was that I was an actual addict and that pot, alcohol, and partying were merely the tip of the iceberg. He didn't know about my chronic and ongoing cocaine use - which as I mentioned, was actually crack use at that point. Had he known that, I know he would have never asked me out on a date. I did tell him, after we became exclusive, that I had struggled a little with coke. That was it. He didn't ask much. I suppose you could say he took a chance on me (don't we all when we start falling for someone?), and no, he didn't have all the information. So there was omission/assumptions at the start of our relationship. Same with my sexual history.
> 
> Let's talk about sex. I told him when we met that I didn't believe in or enjoy casual sex much - same opinion for him. This was true and in no way a lie. I did have plenty of casual sex, though. It was contrary to my beliefs and what I truly wanted, and I never found it satisfying. People can have conflicting values and actions. It happens. My "count" (people really need to not get hung up on that) is significantly higher than his. Like the drug use, he knows I've slept with more people but not the extent. Like the drug use, if he had a more complete picture, he may have reconsidered asking me out.
> 
> It wasn't my job at the time to know his mind and everything about him and his values and warn him away from me. That's a ridiculous idea that some posters have presented, to be honest. I also don't buy the idea that 2 people who have been happily compatible for a decade are suddenly not compatible because of things that happened prior to the relationship. Sorry to the OP, but dirty laundry comes out sometimes. There's likely more to the lack of sex than just the wife's issues from her past. Something doesn't add up. Meaning, she may have had a bad reaction to something, but the OP may have things he can be doing or is not doing on his end as well. The two of them really need to communicate. I get the sense that these are things/this marriage is something they are tackling as individuals and not as a team.
> 
> I had sex for the wrong reasons. It wasn't a way to barter. It was more that I didn't care about myself. I didn't feel a sense of ownership or respect towards my own body - not the same as someone who feels just fine about their body and sexual side and simply views sex differently/casually. It also was a way to forget and distract even though I knew that because of my feelings on sex, it was causing me harm to behave casually with it. I never had an unplanned pregnancy or an STD, but that's more luck than anything else. I did get tested for HIV/Hepatitis, so I was responsible in that sense.
> 
> Basically, I had serious issues, and our relationship logically shouldn't have worked out. But it did. Logically, I should have screwed everything up and stayed screwed up. But I didn't. If any of his friends or family, the people who adore me now, had known more about me, they would have told him to run screaming in the other direction. Apparently, we were just what each other needed at that time, and I/we were the exception to logic. Let's also not forget that he's an imperfect person as well. There were things in his past that weren't ideal. They were just different from mine. We both brought some broken parts to the table.
> 
> All right, let me start going through your questions.
> 
> 1) Dealbreakers - As I mentioned, there were likely things that would have been dealbreakers at the start. As for now, if he asked, I would answer honestly and not be afraid of him suddenly deciding our marriage was a total sham. We're long past that. No more dealbreakers exist from my past, in my opinion. He might not like the new knowledge and might look at me a little differently, but I'm confident in my feelings on this.
> 
> 2) Our sex life - Hmm. I would say I'm fairly "normal", but I do have a high sex drive, and there are things that *I* desire that simply have to stay fantasy because he's not into them. In the sense that we have satisfying sex (just about guaranteed orgasms + emotional component), we're very sexually compatible. When it comes to the desire to be adventurous or the desired frequency, we will always be different. I think I can actually relate better to men whose wives have issues with sex than I can the women. My husband is the one who has issues with low drive. I want him to tell me his fantasies. I would do just about anything he wanted. He just isn't interested. We used to fight about it. Over time, I accepted it. Eventually, he took ownership of it and started to put a lot of effort in. We've come a long way in that regard. I'm not sure my past really has much to do with any of it, actually. Some of my fantasies may be related, however. Sex will always be an issue for us (moreso for me I guess), but our relationship is worth it.
> 
> Oh, and since this is what most men would be asking: I don't reminisce about prior partners and think that I preferred their body or the sex I had with them to my husband. For me, that emotional component was a huge piece of the puzzle. I don't think about prior sex experiences much at all. They weren't satisfying because they weren't (for me) whole or complete experiences. I craved a real connection, and my husband is the only man that I have experienced that with. Not to say I didn't have some sort of connection with some of them, but it wasn't the same at all.
> 
> 3) Kids/current use - I don't use any drugs or really drink. I did get into wine a little bit this past year, but prior to that, I could count on one hand the number of times I have been drunk in the last 10 years. I don't have kids. There's a genetic component to a lot of things. Unless you're going to do genetic screening on all potential partners or have one of those crazy diseases where both parents carry a gene and suddenly you have kids allergic to sunlight or something, it's not something I would worry about. You can't control everything in life.
> 
> If I did have kids, I would be the mom who would know immediately if they started experimenting. I pulled so much crap on my own parents. I know all the tricks and signs. I also have the experience of knowing what tactics my parents used that did more harm than good. I'd like to think that if it became an issue in my child's life, my experiences would actually be an asset when it came to talking to them and handling the situation. Ultimately, once they reached a certain age, just like the genetic thing, I also know I would have limited/no control over their choices. There was nothing my parents could have done to stop me from turning into the monster I became in later adolescence/early adulthood. They had their issues, but they didn't use drugs or abuse me.


Thanks for this. I hope you stay around. It's a different perspective that is normally not spoken. I hope he never asks you though.


----------



## TAM2013

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> But you don't buy sex. It's a ridiculous concept stemmed from sex being something women give and men want and the who "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" nonsense. It assumes sex is a commodity women sell you in exchange for your marriage and that if she does it with anyone else they got it "for free"
> 
> It's a very sick concept. Not one I think the OP has shown he believes in.


Don't worry. You won't need to tolerate the commodity exchange for much longer if gender equality reaches it's logical conclusion.


----------



## goodgirlgonebad

sokillme said:


> I hope he never asks you though.


There have been many times that I have hoped he would ask - not because I have a desire to share all the gory details so much as to share my thoughts and struggles and whys. We had a serious heart-to-heart the other day that came about because of something unrelated, and this came up. I told him I wanted to be completely transparent. I told him I'd like to know everything about him as well. He said that he doesn't have that same desire for disclosure. He's all about full transparency and honesty in the here and now. It's just he would prefer the past (and I really think that he's not just talking about me - I know his childhood was rougher than I have been told) remain buried. Perhaps not always the healthiest method of dealing with things, but I love him just the same, and just like he has a more complete picture of me now, I can fill in some of the blanks for myself.


----------



## wilson

goodgirlgonebad said:


> Back then, anyone could look at me and tell I liked to party. I didn't hide the fact that I liked to drink a bit and was most definitely a stoner. That's how he knew I was living a lifestyle that was contrary to his, and he does not like that lifestyle at all..


This is a critical difference between your situation and the OP's. Your partner didn't know all the details, but he had some ideas of what you were into. It's worse than what he thought, but it's in line with what he knew. He knew you were into drugs, even if he didn't know how deep. 

In the OP's case, he had no idea of the drug use. He was willing to overlook the number of partners, but the 4 years of drug use came as a complete shock. We have to wonder how he could not know anything about 4 years of drug use after being together for 10 years. You would think some indication would have come up in all that time just through normal conversation. This leads me to wonder if the OP's partner was being very deceptive during this time and tried to completely rewrite her past. Someone who is honest might say things like "I used to party a lot... I used to hang around with a bunch of druggies..." as a way to give a more realistic picture of their past without diving into the details. 

The people on this thread who have posted their stories of past drug abuse have been helpful, but I get the sense that friends around them would be able to infer that they might have been into more wild stuff in their past even if they don't explicitly say it. Because the OP was caught so off-guard, I'm making one or both of these assumptions:

1. His partner was actively hiding her past and presenting herself as always being much more conservative than she really was.
2. The OP was not picking up on signals of her past that should have been obvious. "Love is blind", as they say.

Regardless, your life partner should have a generally accurate sense of who you are and who you were. They don't have to know all the explicit details, but they should know some of the relevant ones. If they instead have a wildly inaccurate view, that needs to be corrected.


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## sissyphus

let me tell you about my experience with my wife. while we were living together, she at one point became addicted to crack cocaine. to make a long story short. one day when she had gone out supposedly to go shopping, she didn't come home. I was frantic, calling all her friends that I knew, but no one had seen her. Later that night received a phone call from a police officer informing me that my girlfriend was in the hospital and that she had been raped. when I got there, the Nurse were in the process of treating her. when she saw me, she had tears in her eyes. the only thing on my mind was that I was grateful that she was alive. a few weeks later she told me what had happened. she was walking around somewhere to get drugs and was abducted at gun point by two individuals. she then told me that she was going to attend a drug rehab facility in upstate NY. I even visited her there once. After she was discharged from rehab., I was worried that there was a possibility that she might relapse. Since then, it has been 29+ plus years since her being clean. she's even quit smoking. went back to school, became an RN, and we have two grown kids. Drug users will always be in denial when they're using. as far as her sexual history, that should be water under the bridge. I don't know of any virgins out there, myself included. dwell on the present, you can't change history. as long as she isn't having any more drug issues, and she's a good spouse. I'd leave it at that.


----------



## RubyRing

I used to be a real stoner, so was my ex-husband. When we decided to have a child, I quit smoking to conceive, and never went back, and I don't miss getting stoned at all. I have been clean for 28 years. My ex-husband agreed to quit or "cut back" when started a family. He never did. To this day he continues to smoke pot daily. I thought he had "cut back", and we were married for something like 15 years, before I realized he was smoking daily. I felt like a fool. But I tried to stay with him, and he eventually divorced me.

Anyway, I am not the same person as I was 30 years ago, when I was getting high on a regular basis.

If your wife has been clean for 10 years, I don't think she will re-lapse.


----------



## RubyRing

q79 said:


> I love my wife to death. If I didn't she would have been out the door immediately. She's a really good wife to be honest other than the sexual hiccups. It is just now that when I look at her, I see that past, I see someone different. Its hard to explain. I consider her not telling me these things to be deception. If it were just deception, it would be easier to get by that, but it is the sort of deception that I feel like represented her as someone that she isn't.
> 
> Honestly I have it in my head now that maybe she just started dating me as a way to get off drugs. We spent a ton of time together right from the beginning. Instead of a whirlwind romance I feel like I was a crutch. Heck that is probably exactly what I was. I know the relationship has been great, but I feel as though I thought it was something that it wasn't. I don't know if that even matters. I don't know what to do but I'm really tore up about it.


Perhaps instead of looking at your relationship as a "crutch" to get off drugs, think of it as her "motivation". She met a GREAT guy, and thought to herself, "I really like this guy, and would like to clean up my act to be with him". 

Many people change their wild ways, when either 1. they want to settle down or 2. They meet someone who inspires them to settle down.

This happens very often with men, bad boys, who use women sexually left and right, and then they meet a woman they love, and they leave their bad boy ways behind. Men aren't usually so harshly judged when they have a bad boy past. In fact, I find it strange, but many women feel PROUD to have tamed a bad boy. Maybe you could try to find some pride in the fact that your wife was inspired to clean up her act after being an addict for 10 years.

She is not the same woman as she was in her druggie days.


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## Satya

Part of me thinks you really need to assess her behavior NOW. I, for one, was a very different person in my past life. I don't hide it, but I know that I simply don't act the way I used to.

You can be sure that if the relationship ends over her choice to be honest, she'll likely revisit honesty in her life and not tell the next man in her life, or any man ever again. You influence her life in the here and now as much as drugs and irresponsibility influenced her past.

I'm not telling you to forgive her, or telling you to do anything. I'm asking you to consider judging her on who she is and what she does now. If THAT is deplorable to you, then yes, let her go.


----------



## tech-novelist

Yeswecan said:


> Did she lie? She was not asked the questions if I remember correctly. Lie by omitting? Are people supposed to automatically confess their sins during the dating game? Everything? Why?
> 
> *It is quite probably that no one would date or marry if every iota of past indiscretions or otherwise were dumped on the table*. Are we really all "open book" as we like to portray? I would say not.


Disagree. My wife told me about her past before we got married, and I told her about mine.

And both of us had done things that would be deal-breakers for some people.


----------



## MattMatt

q79 said:


> Well, my wife and I have been married for about 18 months, but we have been together for 10 years, living together and baiscally married without the paperwork and pictures. I am late 30s she is early 30s. When we met she was still living at home.
> 
> So we decided to go through with getting married, so obviously everything was going great. Around the time of our wedding, a month or so before, she lost interest in sex. I chalked it up to just stress and jitters or whatever and didn't think much of it. However, after the week of the wedding, it went right back to that. No sex at all. She just lost interest. I talked to her about it several times over the ensuing months, and she would always chalk it up to being tired or thinking maybe she had some hormonal issue. So I didn't get upset about it or anything, but I didn't like it very much either. I just rode it out and figured it would sort itself out.
> 
> A few months ago, she tells me she is going to see a therapist, she wants to talk about some issues she is having. She insists that the issues have nothing to do with me. So I say ok, but she doesn't want to talk to me about whatever it is. I have no choice but to just kind of roll with it.
> 
> A couple of weeks ago she decides she wants to talk to me now. I guess this therapist told her she needed to clear the air or whatever. I knew she had sexual partners in the past, I didn't really care, just about everyone does. She didn't seem to be really experienced or anything so I never thought to ask about it. I guess I just didn't care but it seems like maybe I should have.
> 
> She tells me that she had 13 sexual partners before me, at the age of 21. Ok, that is a pretty big number and I was surprised by it, but it is water under the bridge at this point. Then she says that she had never had a boyfriend before, which obviously means that all of these partners were just meaningless sex. Which bothered me to hear, but again its water under the bridge.
> 
> Now the things that do bother me. She told me that she was using drugs for 4 years, meth to be specific. I had no idea about this. Well this bothers me a lot. I have never done anything like myself. She said that she was using it right up until we met, and stopped right away. I never saw any signs of drug use. Kind of hard to digest this information, I just didn't know what to think. Its like I married someone I didn't even know. I am totally against drugs in every way, I hate people that do them, I hate the scummy lifestyle, all of it. But I figured well if she quit that easily maybe it isn't as bad as I had thought.
> 
> Moving on she informed me that she had only ever had sex because of the drugs. I don't know if that means while using drugs or with her friends who used drugs, whatever. Obviously I had kind of assumed that. I mean all of this is difficult to just accept. Like how did I not know? Or would I have not dated her knowing this? There is more to it though. She explained that all but one of these guys were associates of hers, they weren't just random guys off the street. Kind of like they had this sort of a clique and there were a few women in it, and they basically just did whatever with whoever I guess. Sounds like some real scumbags. She told me that to her sex was just something you do, that it had no meaning.
> 
> Here is the big thing. This other guy was some older dude she met once, then decided to hang out with and do drugs. According to her, this guy intentionally got her pregnant. I guess he did it and then bragged about it to her immediately afterwards. So she had an abortion. This was about 9 months before we started dating. I used to see her around all the time, never really talked to her or anything. So in essence I have seen my wife pregnant by some other guy, a druggie loser.
> 
> I don't know how to deal with all of this. I feel like someone kicked me in the gut. It sounds bad but I love my wife. I take it seriously. I feel like at this point if I didn't know by now, I shouldn't have been told. But obviously I should have been told and had I known all of this, obviously I would not have had anything to do with this person.
> 
> *She told me she was sorry for lying. I have brought these things up again and she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them. *
> 
> I don't want to leave my wife, as stupid as it sounds. It's just so much. I don't know that I can ever look at her the same way again. I don't know what to do at this point. She swears it was just a phase, but 4 years is a long phase. All of this behavior, giving out sex to whoever was around, it disgusts me. Obviously something that I thought was special means nothing to her.
> 
> Sorry for writing a novel but I needed to explain.


Well, all of the things you mention can be gotten over or gotten through. All of them. And, yes, all of those things -and worse- _have_ been gotten over and gotten through, one way or another, by a number of people.

But, having said all that, there is _*one*_ thing that I would suggest is the real stumbling block to recovery or reconciliation in your case.

Which is:


> * she tells me that I need to deal with them. That it is my problem to get over them.*


You see, to my mind your wife has served you up a meal consisting of a **** sandwich with a side order of bitter herbs, to be washed down with some pure lemon juice.

She has somehow magically done a blame transfer, her bad behaviour is now your responsibility for you to deal with. Or so she believes.

No. It. Isn't.

The thing that sticks in my craw is her "entitled princess" attitude.

And remember this








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## TAMAT

One detail, and this is big for men, is that because of her unconfessed past she lost interest in him sexually. 

What's not clear however is if another component of that lost interest is that she can no longer find drug-free drama-free men sexually appealing. That lifestyle may be a fetish of hers she needs to be turned on, but it may just be who she is. 

Tamat


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## dadstartingover

This woman has we what in the relationship game call GIANT F'ING RED FLAGS. 

Run for your life. Now. Not tomorrow. Now. Right now. Run. Go. Now. Why aren't you running?!


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## Talker67

TAMAT said:


> One detail, and this is big for men, is that because of her unconfessed past she lost interest in him sexually.


is that true? No sex?
bail on this marriage. If she is not giving you glorious sex...what does that tell you about how seriously in love with you she really is?

IF she was a hard working wife AND the sex was great....i would say she turned a page in her life and needs a new chance.


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## oldshirt

Talker67 said:


> is that true? No sex?
> bail on this marriage. If she is not giving you glorious sex...what does that tell you about how seriously in love with you she really is?
> 
> IF she was a hard working wife AND the sex was great....i would say she turned a page in her life and needs a new chance.


I also think it is this simple. 

If she had a checkered past but was completely squared away and living a perfectly healthy and functional life now, then who cares what she did in her youth when she was young and dumb.

But that's not the case here. She's failing in her present as well and has lots of problems. 

He's within his right to move on and leave her behind due to her present issues even if she was a perfect little flower and church girl in her youth.


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## TAMAT

All the effort to fix a relationship which cannot be fixed because he didn't know the cause makes him want to cut his loses. 

Tamat


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## Bianca Stella

I hate to break this to you but she doesn't love you. If a woman truly loves a man, she would do ANYTHING not to lose him, or avoid putting a number like "13" in your head. 
It is a fact, some people thrive on drama and cannot live a healthy life. A loving man is boring and they need to be humiliated, this is even sadder but I remember my friends 
degrading women, treating them like *****s and these women couldn't get enough! They would call them crying! The drug exposure not healthy either, so many diseases!
Please be strong, love yourself first and let her show you if there is a possibility of love, I doubt it though, sorry, addicts can't really love, all they think about is their next fix.
You're still young, believe in yourself.


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## [email protected]

q79, is there an update? Did you get rid of her? I hope so.


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## Stormguy2018

TAMAT said:


> q79,
> 
> Depending on the state you may be able to get an annulment.
> 
> Tamat


That's what I was going to say. I don't see any happy ending to this one.


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