# Taking steps to Seperate, advice?



## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

My H and I have agreed to seperate.. well really I kicked him out. You can read the story as to why http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24642-complete-story.html

I have already been speaking with an attorney getting things in order. I am in IC. I have not told any of my family or my children whats going on yet. Not sure how to bring up the subject and am afraid somewhat of getting the, "what did you do to push him to another woman" speech.

Anyway, any advice on what else I should do? How to tell my kids and family? Anything I might be forgetting to do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry to hear it ended up thsi way, Lil.

Don't wory about people and their comments. People are ALWAYS going to talk. If anyone has the nastiness to suggest you pushed him to OW, don't even flinch. He has a long history of problems with watching porn w/ your daughter on his lap, the BDSM meetings, being unfaithful and lots of drinking.

YOU know the truth. And if you aren't comfortable telling people of your split yet--don't. I didn't tell anyone til i was good and ready. Then when the time came, the words flowed perfectly from my mouth. Some folks do ask, What happened? or Why? One of my girlfriends asked me one time "Well what happened that you're getting divorced" and I said "I don't want to talk about that." She never ever asked me again. Even the day I told her I signed the decree, no questions asked. 

IC is def a good idea. Surround yourself w/ a good support system. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself to something nice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In my case, our split has been pretty amicable. I told my family before it happened what was going on, she waited till after I left to tell her family. 

Other than that, I've told some of my closest friends and non-immediate famly. But I haven't talked about it at all with most of our common friends. I figure they'll hear when they need to hear, and it's one less thing to worry about. However, I'm not worried about her spreading "her" side of the story; as I said, we're still amicable about things so far.

Telling the kids was probably the most brutal thing to go through, sorry... Mine are 10 and 12; how old are yours? I can share some of my experience if it would be relevant.

C


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

my son is 6 and my daughter is soon to be 9

I am pretty sure my daughter knows whats going on.. or at least she knows something is wrong. My son has developmental delays, so I really don't think he comprehends much of whats going on. And my H and he don't get along well at all, they spend much of their time fighting (i look at H as my 3rd child when he lets a 6 year old goad him) so I really think my son would be thrilled with him gone. Sad to say.

My H has mentioned he will not fight me for custody because he wants his freedom. It felt like a slap in the face for him to just give up on his kids like this. I won't tell the kids he said this or has this has his plan, because I really don't want them to be hurt over the whole thing. I have a lot of proof against H and could make it hard for him when it comes to custody, which might grant him only supervised visits. I think that might be another reason why he doesn't want to fight for custody. And I don't want to make this harder on the kids than it needs to be.. so I'm hoping it will be smooth and easy and he won't fight me on much. 

We have hardly any assets anymore, we foreclosed on our home last year. I have the apartment in my name. we have two vehicles.. so easy split there. I don't care which one I get, as long as I have one.

The only thing we really have to split is debt.. which I'm filing for bankruptcy.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Went to the child support office yesterday to get that ball rolling. So it's been filed, I explained to them he is living with me for now until he gets his vehicle running then he will be moving out. He should get papers served to him in the next week.

He's going to be p*ssed off when he gets them. He told me when he moves out he will continue to help with the bills and the rent payments, but I don't believe him. I know he said this just because he doesn't want me to file for child support. But, its done now.. and he will be ordered to pay me 925 a month, as well as keep insurance on both the kids and i. I'm kin of hoping they don't serve him until he moves out.. tension is bad enough. I told him the last time we seperated that i filed for child support and that he was gonna be ordered to pay 925. he flipped out and said that, "that will be changed real quick".. good luck payin an attorney


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am glad to see you taking initiative.

Let him be pissed. He wants to carry on with other women and men and his other issues...you don't need him.

Have you seen an attorney re: divorce/separation?


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

Yes I have. Actually I volunteer at an domestic violence abuse shelter here in town. Most of the people I see there know what I'm going through, and have suggested whats going on with me is severe mental abuse.. they pointed me to an attorney and my attorney agreed to take my case probono.. hes a very active fighter in the abuse issue. My concern with this tho, is that H will never be able to see the kids with this man as my attorney.

Now, I know a lot of you will probably think my H is horrid and doesn't have any rights to see my kids, but, he is in all general purposes a good father. He takes the kids places, plays with them, talks to them, helps them with homework. The only place he really falls short is his temper and his porn addiction issue. He has never raised a hand to my kids, but hes a yeller, and the minute he gets home hes wound up about soemthing and yells at mostly my son for it. And my children.. sadly enuogh have been exposed to porn, accidently. Because my H was so absorbed in it he didn't know they were around watching. 

I don't want my babies to be ripped from their father completely. And the way this attorney sounds is like he thinks my H should only get visitation in a little room up at the county office for 2 hours every two weeks. Thats not really the situation I want for my kids. I do want to demand he has to take parenting courses, and attend IC for his sex addiction issues. and if he quits either one we will go to supervised visitations. My lawyer is considering this as an option.. so we will see.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then tell your attorney straight up you want 50/50 custody, alimony and child support.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I am not sure on the qualifications of alimony in my state.. something I have to look into.. not sure i really want it but the extra help will be nice.


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