# ...I cant find the strength



## Broken2006 (Aug 11, 2011)

Im 23, Ive been married for 5 years and with my husband for 8. We currently have one child together and another due in less than 5 weeks. Hes the only man I've ever loved and up until now I didn't think anything in the world could change that. We have been through 3 deployments together and I've been the most supportive wife I know how to be and have stayed faithful through all these years. 
The night before last I found out that my husband had become "curious" during his last deployment and brought his curiosities home.. its been almost a year that hes been keeping his secret of pursuing other local men via the internet. He says hes been too scared to follow through and its just been the exchange of messages and pictures and hes never actually met anyone however the ideas alone are enough to tear me apart. At 25 years old you don't just wake up one morning and say hmm I wonder what its like to be with a man. This situation makes me sick to know I've been living with a stranger. 
We have been in marriage counseling since Feb and little did I know - inside out socks, lack of sex, little white lies and unfinished household projects should have been the least of my worries. 
After multiple loses I'm weeks from delivering the baby girl we've been trying to conceive for years and this should be one of the happiest time of our lives.. instead I'm lost and confused. I've been unhappy in my marriage for a while now and this is just the icing on the cake. I have lost all trust in my husband and I'm not sure I can forgive him.. I still love him - I mean after all these years and two children I will always love him. I'm just not sure how to get past this. I don't know how to stay by his side and at the same time I don't know how to walk away.. Im a stay at home mom, no job, no where to go... how do I walk with two children. 
I have no one to talk to and I know my mom and mother in law would be devastated and both tell me to walk. I'm on the waiting list for an emergency counseling session but have no clue when Ill be able to get in... I need any unbiased advice.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

Uff, I really can't even comprehend the shock you're dealing with. It's horrible. Right now you need to take care of that little angel and of yourself and continue with the counseling. I'd do this, if I were you. Is he determined to work something out? Is he good with the kid? Supportive of you? Start with the things that need taking care of now: you and the little one and then you can both see in the following months if it can be worked out or not.


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## Broken2006 (Aug 11, 2011)

dojo said:


> Uff, I really can't even comprehend the shock you're dealing with. It's horrible. Right now you need to take care of that little angel and of yourself and continue with the counseling. I'd do this, if I were you. Is he determined to work something out? Is he good with the kid? Supportive of you? Start with the things that need taking care of now: you and the little one and then you can both see in the following months if it can be worked out or not.


My husband went to behavioral health today. They have officially diagnosed him with PTSD and severe depression. (this is what he tells me anyway, I wasn't there) He says he goes on the 30th for a medication evaluation to determine which meds he needs and the dosage. Although I'm glad he went to talk to someone and is getting help with those things.. I don't want him to just use that as his new excuse for everything... which hes already started to do. 

He says hes sorry and he doesnt know what he was thinking, he disgust himself, then talks about suicide if I was to leave him. Im not convinced hes sorry though - I feel its all a guilt trip.. hes not sorry for what hes done, hes sorry that he got caught. If I hadnt found a silly text message that said nothing more than the word "hey" this would have continued and lord only knows what it would have progressed to. 

Hes suddenly interested in me.. concerned about where I am and what Im doing while hes at work. He signed us up for a marriage retreat (which is sponsored by the army) He is very in my face, touchy feely... truth by told, I cant bare to let him touch me. I gave me butterflies and made me very uncomfortable to feel his hand touch mine. 

My husband is a wonderful father... he could be more attentive to our 4 year old, however hes still a great daddy and our little one adores him. As much as I want to just pack my bags and cut my losses before he hurts me more, Im terrified one day my children will resent me for not sticking it out and trying to make it work. 

It hurts that I have to put up a big front for our friends and my own mother, pretending everything is fine when in fact Im crushed. I just cant bare to let anyone find out. Im just torn and praying counseling will help me understand myself in this situation and figure out whats truely best for me.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Well, at least he has told you....I guess. Maybe you can talk about it and find what works for the two of you. It sounds like you love him, so evaluate whether he truly loves you or not and move from there. 

You can def find people to talk to on here!


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

The truth is out. He was curious. He did not cheat. He is seeking immediate help. He's disgusted with himself. Sounds like he loves you very much and does not want to loose you or the children. You are going to need time to step back from this situation and gather your thoughts. Is there somewhere you can go to get away for a short time? Seeking counseling for yourself to help deal with your situation is a good first step. In the end you may not be able to forgive him for his moment of indescretion but he sounds like a good husband and you are a terriffic wife.


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

I don't know if this will help but there is a post you might want to read from a man who says he was curious and visited the gay sites etc and his wife found out. Some very interesting insight from the mans perspective. The post can be found in the General Relationships fourm, the title is: my wife deserves better seeking guidance, posted by seekinghelp28.


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