# Unbelieveable



## Baseballmom6

Background for anyone that doesn't know or remember my story: Divorced my cheating husband after 27-1/2 years. His mother still lives next door to me and we are on good terms.

I have regularly mowed and weed-eated my ex-MIL's one acre property for the past 2 years (along with my one acre) because I love her and she is my children's grandmother. Of course, ExH has never thanked me or even offered to pay for gas. (I also still pay the extra charge for her to use my trash service because we did it while married as well as get her trash twice a week from her house to put out with mine.)

Back to my issue: His mother has a hole in her yard which I know has something to do with the spetic system. I think it originally had a cap on it and was covered up but I can't remember with what. The hole just appeared really. Anyway about five weeks ago while mowing her yard the whole front wheel of my lawnmower fell in the hole. I had to go get a jack to jack up the lawn mower to get it out of the hole. 

I haven't talked or heard from my Ex-H since our son's wedding in June and although we sat together at the wedding didn't really speak to each other. Anyway, I sent my Ex-H an email and asked him to look at the hole the next time he came to his mother's house and let me know what to do to fix it. No response from him and he has been to his mother's 3-4 times since.

Last week I almost fell in it again. I again sent my Ex-H an email and asked him again what I should do about the hole. No response. 

I saw his truck at his mother's last night. So this morning I sent him a text which said "Just wanted to remind you to look at the hole in your Mom's yard and either fix it or tell me how to fix it." Still no response.

I am so mad that he can't even be bothered to respond to me! 

I have a good mind not to mow her yard again until either he fixes it or tells me what to do about it. He lives an hour and a half away so I'm sure he wouldn't drag his mower down and mow it. 

I can't for the life of me figure out why he is just ignoring me. I haven't communicated at all with him in months and before that it was either about the wedding or about his mother and I was always polite when I did.

Thoughts?


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## PBear

Can you suggest to his mother that she talk to him about it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GTdad

I'd cut him out of the picture entirely, make sure your ex MIL knows about the hole (maybe she has a maintenance contract on the septic system), and stake it so you can avoid it in the future.

You're very kind, but this isn't really your problem.


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## 3Xnocharm

PBear said:


> Can you suggest to his mother that she talk to him about it?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was my thought as well. How annoying!


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## WorkingOnMe

Don't know what to say about your ex. But regarding the hole... It's probably an inspection port. It may have a vertical PVC pipe going to the drain field (mine has 4 of these). Go to the hardware store and buy a round yard drain (basically a catch basin with a green cover and bucket with no bottom). Dig the hole out, put the drain in the hole and fill in around it so the top is flush. If there is a pipe in the hole make sure it can be accessed through the green cover on the drain.


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## SamuraiJack

You are a better person than I am in terms of getting along with ex-in-laws.

Just speak to the mom, then put a few stakes around it so you know where it is.


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## wanttolove

If you are going to do things for his mother, do them because of her and not because you want to prove something to your ex. If I were him, I would also ignore you. You sound like you want to punish him and really don't care about doing something to be doing something good for your ex MIL.

Just saying. Sorry if it comes across as rude.


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## PBear

wanttolove said:


> If you are going to do things for his mother, do them because of her and not because you want to prove something to your ex. If I were him, I would also ignore you. You sound like you want to punish him and really don't care about doing something to be doing something good for your ex MIL.
> 
> Just saying. Sorry if it comes across as rude.


Didn't read it this way at all...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove

Didn't read my comment as rude?


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## movealong

I read your comments as rude, and I read the OP's comments as understandably irritated that her X doesn't have the common courtesy to respond.


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## PBear

wanttolove said:


> Didn't read my comment as rude?


No, didn't read it as her trying to do it as a response to her ex. I read it as her doing things for someone she likes. I think she would feel the same if her neighbor was just a good elderly friend, and her asshat son refused to do basic things around the house to help keep his mother's place running properly. 

Btw, I do think the idea of staking out the hole is the best solution, aside from talking to the ex-MIL. Then it's no longer an issue. You KNOW it's there. Just avoid it. 

Also btw... My ex has a good relationship with my mom, too. When my ex is in the area, she still does overnights at my parents place. And I'm fine with that. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wanttolove

I detect resentment and I guarantee that the ex-H does also. Why deal directly with that? He was at his mother's house and he gets a text. Why waste time responding to that?

One has to try to see it from both sides. It would help the one who posted here to try that also. And that is definitely not intended to be rude, nor was my original comment. I think that it is not necessary to agree with someone to help them....


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## PBear

wanttolove said:


> I detect resentment and I guarantee that the ex-H does also. Why deal directly with that? He was at his mother's house and he gets a text. Why waste time responding to that?
> 
> One has to try to see it from both sides. It would help the one who posted here to try that also. And that is definitely not intended to be rude, nor was my original comment. I think that it is not necessary to agree with someone to help them....


So what's your suggestion to keep her from dropping the front end of her lawn mower in the septic tank? Smile and be happy about doing a good deed? She's still going to be happily smiling on a stuck lawnmower...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe

If a man was doing this for his ex wife's mother and getting mad at the lack of response people would say its a covert contract and passive agressive.


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## wanttolove

PBear said:


> So what's your suggestion to keep her from dropping the front end of her lawn mower in the septic tank? Smile and be happy about doing a good deed? She's still going to be happily smiling on a stuck lawnmower...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't drop the front end of her lawn mower in the septic tank. If she knows the hole is there, it's not her ex's fault she gets stuck in the hole.


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## Rowan

When my ex-husband doesn't take care of stuff for his mother, I just take care of it myself. Whether it's making sure her truck is properly maintained or helping her put the pool cover back on in the Fall, I just handle it. Because I love her and I know he's not going to do it.

Put up some flags/stakes around the hole so you can see it, then mow around it. Alternately, describe the problem to your former MIL and ask how she would like you to proceed. It may be easiest and most effective for you to find someone to fix it and have her pay for the repairs.


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## Baseballmom6

Thanks for the replies guys. 

WOM - That is exactly what it is. Thanks for picture and advice. However, I am going to take the advice of many and just stake it off and mow around it. 

WTL: Really? I have no resentment at all and what exactly would I be proving to my ex but helping his mother out? She has been part of my life for almost 30 years and I see no reason to punish her for the stupid things her son did. I have been helping her for 2 years and this is the first time I have asked for his help or said anything at all to him about anything at his mother's. Funny thing is when we separated, he told me to let him know if I needed anything and he would be happy to help. I assumed that he meant that about his mother's place also. I am, however, annoyed that he didn't respond. 

GTDad: I know she doesn't have a maintenance contract on it because my husband is the one who initially installed the system and then completely re-installed the system about 10 years ago because of issues with it. I only asked him because he knows the system. I thought he would help me with it or take care of it himself. 

I guess that it isn't my problem so I will just tell his mother that I am going to stake it off and mow around it. 

Thanks for everyone's input.


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## lenzi

Baseballmom6 said:


> I am so mad that he can't even be bothered to respond to me!
> 
> Thoughts?


My thought is that he doesn't want anything to do with you and he doesn't want to do anything to make life easier for you even though you're doing his mom a favor.

My thought is that he isn't at all happy about your continued relationship with his mother. 

My thought is that you still have feelings for the guy and that's why he's able to make you so angry.

My thought is that you were seeking some sort of contact with him and the hole in the ground provided a suitable excuse. Otherwise you would have either a) spoken to MIL directly since it's her house and her hole and you're doing her the favor or b) thought enough to mark the hole (without getting that suggestion from others) so you wouldn't keep falling into it. 

This isn't about some hole in the ground, it's about the residual bitterness between you and your ex-husband.


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## Cooper

There is always a chance he blocked your number at some point so never received any of your text. Or he may be jealous or resentful of you spending time with his mom and doesn't want to respond, in his eyes it probably looks as if you're trying to prove you're the better person. 

Tell your MIL about the hole, let her worry about getting it fixed, and for now just mow around it, it's truly that simple.


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## happy as a clam

This is not complicated. Call a septic company, a landscaper, or a lawncare service. Send your mother-in-law the bill.

Let go of the "need to win" with your husband and just get the d*mn hole fixed.


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## Fenix

wanttolove said:


> If you are going to do things for his mother, do them because of her and not because you want to prove something to your ex. If I were him, I would also ignore you. You sound like you want to punish him and really don't care about doing something to be doing something good for your ex MIL.
> 
> Just saying. Sorry if it comes across as rude.


Well, that is bizarre. Sounds like your issues are driving your perception.


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## EnjoliWoman

PBear said:


> No, didn't read it as her trying to do it as a response to her ex. I read it as her doing things for someone she likes. I think she would feel the same if her neighbor was just a good elderly friend, and her asshat son refused to do basic things around the house to help keep his mother's place running properly.
> 
> Btw, I do think the idea of staking out the hole is the best solution, aside from talking to the ex-MIL. Then it's no longer an issue. You KNOW it's there. Just avoid it.
> 
> Also btw... My ex has a good relationship with my mom, too. When my ex is in the area, she still does overnights at my parents place. And I'm fine with that.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree - just mark it somehow and mow around it and tell your xMIL about it. Yes, an unmowed area will look bad. But you are being kind mowing for her and if he refuses to even respond with a "thanks I'll check it out", don't bother any more. I also wouldn't have let him know that many times. He's being a bit PA but nothing you can do about that.


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## WolverineFan

How about mowing her yard but staying away from the hole so you don't go in again. Maybe even mark it with those small yard flags or something. I am assuming you have let your ex-MIL know that there is a hole in her yard. Maybe you can suggest that she call someone to take care of it or ask her to bring it up to her son herself.

As far as why your ex-husband is not responding to you, who knows. People react differently after divorce. Not everyone has the capacity to be nice and some just don't want to communicate at all. Are you sure that he hasn't changed his number? You can only control one person and that is yourself. No need to let it bother you - there truly isn't. You made your choice and he made his. 

Thank you for being a kind person, however, and for continuing to help your children's grandmother. May the Lord bless you and fill your heart with joy!


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## ne9907

wanttolove said:


> If you are going to do things for his mother, do them because of her and not because you want to prove something to your ex. If I were him, I would also ignore you. You sound like you want to punish him and really don't care about doing something to be doing something good for your ex MIL.
> 
> Just saying. Sorry if it comes across as rude.


I agree with this. The reason I agree is becasue me ex would do stuff like this just to get a rise out of me. I would do the same thing for the same purposes. We were both mentally fvck up.

The best solution would be to handle the hole yourself, or let your MIL do it, in the meantime do what someone else suggested and put stakes around the hole.


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## wanttolove

Fenix said:


> Well, that is bizarre. Sounds like your issues are driving your perception.


How so? What issues:scratchhead:? The comment you quoted does not demonstrate that, unless you are directing that comment to baseballmom.


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## CardReader

I'd stake it off and mow around. If you're MIL is concerned with the tall grass in the staked area, take a weed wacker to it.


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## JWTBL

One issue I see is that if the area around the septic is failing, it could lead to a dangerous cave- in and simply putting a fence around it is not going to fix it. Sounds like the ex- H should have gotten a professional to put in the septic in the first place, it should not be forming holes in the middle of the yard after 10 years.I can see your annoyance at your husband for ignoring something in his mothers yard that seems like it needs to be fixed. But if she is informed about the problem it's up to her to decide if she wants to fix it, and you just make a wide fence around it. Good luck. Don't wind up a newspaper headline- Woman Falls Into Septic Tank and Drowns!


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## Cooper

quote; "Don't wind up a newspaper headline- Woman Falls Into Septic Tank and Drowns!"

I bet if that happened then the ex would finally show up to fill the hole in, while the OP was still in there!!

No disrespect OP...just a little divorce humor


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## movealong

Is it wrong that every time I read the thread title I think of Ruby Rhod?

Unbelievable

On a more serious note, stake it, mow around it, let the exHole do his thing.


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## Hardtohandle

Fenix said:


> Well, that is bizarre. Sounds like your issues are driving your perception.


Fenix I get what you're saying about WTL post and I can sort of see it that way too. 

But I have to agree with what others are saying here especially lenzi.

Isn't the first thing people tell everyone here don't contact your ex unless its about the kids or some financial issue that needs their attention.. EG I need you to sign this document to close our joint bank account.

Other than that there should be no reason to contact the Ex spouse. 

Trust me a day doesn't go by that I don't want to call my ex and say WTF... But I just let it go and keep on going..


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## LongWalk

Just accept that you are a better daughter-in-law to her than her son is son. Virtue is it's own reward.

How old is she?

Next summer fill the hole with manure and plant pumpkins.


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## Baseballmom6

LongWalk said:


> Just accept that you are a better daughter-in-law to her than her son is son. Virtue is it's own reward.
> 
> How old is she?
> 
> Next summer fill the hole with manure and plant pumpkins.



Longwalk, his mother is 89 years old. You would think he would take better care of her. Although she physically gets around pretty good, she is much too trusting of people for her to be handling things on her own. She has had her bank account compromised several time the last few years for being too trusting of people. Been ripped off by a driveway repair guy, etc. Both Ex and I have told her not to let anyone do anything for her without going through one of us. I assumed I lost the right of decision making when my Ex and I divorced which is the reason I emailed him about it. 

Although some may think that I just wanted to talk to him or get a rise out of him that was not the case at all. I really just wanted him to help out his mother, i.e. help me who is helping his mother.


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## PAgirl

I agree with some of the others that you were really just looking for an excuse to have contact with your ex again. Its common sense to mark the hole so you don't fall in it. And you should tell the owner of the house! The X-MIL!


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## Almostrecovered

strange, I thought your ex would be very interested in nasty holes


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## Baseballmom6

Almostrecovered said:


> strange, I thought your ex would be very interested in nasty holes



Haha, yeah you pegged him alright!


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## Baseballmom6

[Q UOTE=PAgirl;10481250]I agree with some of the others that you were really just looking for an excuse to have contact with your ex again. Its common sense to mark the hole so you don't fall in it. And you should tell the owner of the house! The X-MIL![/QUOTE]


Wrong. Like I said his mother is 89 years old and doesn't always make the best decisions with things. I will continue to help her whether he does or not.


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