# After the Lies - Triggered



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

I have been doing so well, really well. And these damn triggers just decided to take up some frontal lobe space. Usually I just punt them away but....

I went searching for this piece of excrement OM on FB and lo and behold there he is. Time has passed and someone and family are in full bloom. No more hiding

You can imagine the anger I felt - recent pics (nothing to do with my ex WS) of this buffoon and the equally toothy missus. All loves and cuddles. The happy none the wiser children. Affair? What affair? - par for the course.

And here is me, grim faced and stewing it over. All the while the inebriated exWS fast asleep in her room.

That's it - a stupid thing to do but in my situation not abnormal. Just a step back. I guess I'm publishing because I was very close to doing something drastic an hour ago.

Give me just one face to face....just one.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I know the pain. We all do. I honestly believe that betrayers, no matter how much they may try (if they care to do so) can never truly comprehend the damage they do. And very few even care.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Give me just one face to face....just one.


Calm down, your anger is understandable, but nthing good came for getting revenge by getting physical, more with your kind of POSOM that seems to be a coward, he even tried to make you back down with stupid fake treats about police, so he is probably the kind of coward that will run directly to the police if you try con confronting him.

what you can do if you feel the need of retribution, is to create a false FB account with a name somewhat similar to a friend, cooworker or famlily of him, and then add him and once he accepts you can post in his wall, whatever you want about his hipocrecy of playing happy family after recently destroying another's man family.

that probably will make him close FB forever.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Triggers are called that for a reason. Trigger, a part of a tool, to inflict compliance or to squash a perceived threat or to create a flood of bs memories. Not a definition, just something I/we deal with on a regular basis. I can understand why you would do this. To satisfy that need to seek out and ruin those, that have inflicted unnecessary pain and forever put you and your relationship in a constant state flux. Meaning you just don't trust your partner anymore, or not like you did before. I think your're just trying to get answers to those questions we all seek, why? and who with. Just my 2c's


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Horizon, so many of us feel for you. At last report you were cohabitating for financial reasons and to raise children together, but you have zero (positive) feeling for her. You said she cannot humiliate you any more. Try viewing OM in that light as well. A piece of dog sh!t you scraped off your shoe a long time ago.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Horizon, I'm not going to say much, because I as a woman, cannot feel and therefore am unable to empathise with the anger and sense of explosive outrage that most of you betrayed men seem to feel against the POSOMan. The POSOW that lured my WH is so inconsequential and insignificant to me that I feel nothing more for her than I would towards a sh!t eating fly.

The blame I feel lays completely and utterly at the feet of my WH, as he is the one who broke the vows of our marriage and betrayed me without a second thought or glance in my direction.

I can _understand_ your rage at HIM, but empathise with it? No.


But I will say that I can feel your pain and I'm sorry that you are hurting. 

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

On social media, you can look as happy or as miserable as you want. I would take that with a grain of salt. This kid I bowl with is MISERABLE in his marriage, but if you looked at his wifes facebook page, you'd think they were the happiest couple ever.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> On social media, you can look as happy or as miserable as you want. I would take that with a grain of salt. This kid I bowl with is MISERABLE in his marriage, but if you looked at his wifes facebook page, you'd think they were the happiest couple ever.


Yeah, but like many marriages here on TAM, maybe this guy is miserable and his wife is happy/ content with the marital situation. I (like many others here) thought my life was good, yet the WW thought nothing of the sort and had no problem destroying the entire family brick by brick without a second thought. This just goes to show that people don't always share the same viewpoint, and I completely understand wanting to destroy the OM. If I ever meet up with him, he had better look out.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> On social media, you can look as happy or as miserable as you want. I would take that with a grain of salt. This kid I bowl with is MISERABLE in his marriage, but if you looked at his wifes facebook page, you'd think they were the happiest couple ever.


It seems highly likely the OP's POSOM and his wife are going out of their way to create the false illusion of well being.

I'm not a big facebooker, but the people I know that are actually happy use it as a way to just chit-chat with friends, sharing stuff like pics of animals, recipes, etc.

Its the big time fakers that go out of their way to show the these over-the-top family fun images, or how great all their possessions are.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Forest said:


> It seems highly likely the OP's POSOM and his wife are going out of their way to create the false illusion of well being.
> 
> I'm not a big facebooker, but the people I know that are actually happy use it as a way to just chit-chat with friends, sharing stuff like pics of animals, recipes, etc.
> 
> Its the big time fakers that go out of their way to show the these over-the-top family fun images, or how great all their possessions are.


I think is a very good and true point.


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## Sportsfan7000 (Jan 21, 2014)

Social Media for many seems to be a way for people to put up the front they want the world to see. Know that the reality of who this person is hasn't changed. Hope you are doing ok I know I would be the kind of guy to live with my anger towards the OM and WS for the rest of my life so I can understand why you feel the way you do.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Thank you all. I flipped out a bit. I was surprised at how much hate I felt for my ex WS during that little regression. Just disgusted. I do believe that the PO Excrement OM's FB page, and his wife's page for that matter, is as pointed out. Their playing happy families. 

I haven't seen an image of either this slag heap or his wife for approx a year. I did some "research" back then and after the initial confrontation (via cell phone) when he collapsed like a deck of cards, they both removed all images from their FB pages.

But I must say she looks pretty much the same. That same expression. The eyes aren't happy. He's enjoying himself, playing the part, playing the field.

In counselling I'm working on anger now. We've cracked a few layers in the last 7 months but this one is a tough mother. 

Trust you are all well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> On social media, you can look as happy or as miserable as you want. I would take that with a grain of salt. This kid I bowl with is MISERABLE in his marriage, but if you looked at his wifes facebook page, you'd think they were the happiest couple ever.


Maybe he is only happy when whining about stuff?:scratchhead:


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> On social media, you can look as happy or as miserable as you want. I would take that with a grain of salt. This kid I bowl with is MISERABLE in his marriage, but if you looked at his wifes facebook page, you'd think they were the happiest couple ever.


Yeah, I still take a peak at my fiance's erstwhile EA. Since he de friended her, I can only see her profile photo and the comments she garners. She changes it about every 1 to 3 months. The photos that get more comments / likes stay on longer.

I can engage in a little bit of Schadenfreude here. She is very conscious of her weight having announced on a meetup site that she he hoped to loose _(sic)_ 50 pounds before she turned 30. And also the messages between her and my fiance where she talked psychobabble about how "my weight does not define me." and the self congratulatory remarks about going to the gym; people she doesn't _even know_ at the gym telling her how much progress that they have noticed and also her sharing of planking times on FB.

(For not being FB friends with her, that's a lot of info that you can glean when you try all the links).

So I can lately chuckle that 4 years later, she actually looks fatter. Even though at the same time, she's got lots of friends who "like" her photo and tell her how great she looks. 

And still I shake my head and wonder what was my fiance thinking....... not so much due to her looks (I do hear about fat women finding partners) or even her youth (that's to be expected), but due to how nasty she behaved towards him as evidenced by all the messages that I read between them. And of course, also due to the fact that it was I who made it clear to him that he needed to excise this woman from his life.

So Horizon, as you can see I still take a look as well. It's free and I'm on FB as well. Just remember, from all of this information, you don't have the whole story. I mean, it could actually be that this woman had the photo taken with a wide angle lens;the only dress she had to hand was one 4 sizes too small; that her hot looking, rich husband who is also finally much closer to her age, (my fiance is 10 years older than she and she framed that as a negative) that she recently married, is happy --as is she -- to stay out of the profile photo...... even though she has used photos with other people for her profile photo.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I would not be so concerned with the truthfulness of OM's social media presence as I would be with why you are still looking for him. You need to put this past you the fully heal. 

Stop looking him up even when you really want to. Deny your urges and in the end you'll be better for it.

Believe me I know how you feel. Last month, 21 months after dday, I paid money to get contact information on one of the POSOM. I haven't contacted him and probably will not but the desire is something I have to fight regularly.

I started a thread concerning my desire to contact OM earlier this year. I knew it was a bad idea but sometimes it helps to hear other say it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/164105-should-i-confront-om.html


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Horizon said:


> And here is me, grim faced and stewing it over. All the while the inebriated exWS fast asleep in her room.


You still live with her ?


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yeah, I do. It's suitable for me right now. No pretending, no jigga jigging. It's the way it is. 

I haven't bothered with the OM for ages - got over the revenge fantasies - except when he slyly attempted contact with my ex WS last Oct. Sorted him out via his wife.

I just had a brain explosion the other night - the little monsters had a party in my head. So I went looking. Dumb, but it happens. Not going to beat myself up. 

The ever reliable TAMers sorted me out.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Are you together because she drinks? 

I hope you can find your own happiness if R is possible, or move on if it's a deadlock you are living in.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Together because she drinks? Never thought about that. But no, there are my children and there are finances and there is my stuff and my home / haven. I will never leave what I have worked for behind and create an even bigger mess. I am not set up to do that. This is the best outcome - for now.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Have you got a life insurance policy on her yet?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Horizon said:


> Together because she drinks? Never thought about that. But no, there are my children and there are finances and there is my stuff and my home / haven. I will never leave what I have worked for behind and create an even bigger mess. I am not set up to do that. This is the best outcome - for now.


So, if you consider her your ex spouse and she is just a house mate now, will you be going on dates in the near or not to distant future? What happens if you meet a woman with whom you feel you could form a relationship with when you feel you are ready to do so?

Have you discussed this possibility/probability with your ex?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> The POSOW that lured my WH is so inconsequential and insignificant to me that I feel nothing more for her than I would towards a sh!t eating fly.
> 
> The blame I feel lays completely and utterly at the feet of my WH, as he is the one who broke the vows of our marriage and betrayed me without a second thought or glance in my direction.


That's the way it should be. Blaming the other person is nothing more than thinking, "but for being seduced by the "POS other person" my loving spouse would have never cheated and we'ed lived happily ever after". With men it seems to go down better than thinking she just lost that loving feeling. Like my uncle would say, "Some guys would rather have something stolen out of their truck than to just lose it when it falls out."


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Well there is both a life insurance and income protection policy in place as well as separate super policies. We have compulsory super (employer contribution or self managed) in OZ. Is it the same in the USA?

Dating other birds. My oath! I haven't had a big powwow with her about this but if I clicked with someone sometime down the line I'd be open to it for sure.

Even though I have come a long way it's not something I'm really thinking about - but in the meantime some horizontal folk dancing would be OK (with a newbie I mean). This born again virgin routine sucks.


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