# Pre divorce filing pointers - anyone?



## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Looking for advice from all you divorced or going through one now. I am about ready to become yet another statistic & am finally at a stage to move forward with "officially" ending my marriage. And ready to move on & open a new chapter in my life. 
My husband & I have been in limbo for over 4 years since my discovery of his infidelity. I thought we were "trying to work on us" intially but have come across numerous indications the he was not. It has taken me a long time to feel ready & comfortable/at ease ( not really the right word - because this is not an easy decision) to move forward & to officially end our 13 yr marriage. 

We have been living seperately for 1 yr 4 months & this has really helped me solidify my thoughts/feelings, etc. Due to his infidelity, he has another child ( as if our lives weren't complicated enough already) so I did file legal paperwork to receive child support for our 2 children to protect myself & kids financially. And preventing the other mother from filing paperwork & getting dibs on the child support payments. But did not file for disolution of our marriage at the time because I was not ready to do so. 
However, I am tired of living in "limbo" & am now sure that our marriage is beyond repair. I'm trying to get myself psyched up to take the next step & make the divorce a reality. 

What I am looking for is any pointers from you all as to certain things I SHOULD do, NOT do - prior filing any papers (of course I will consult with an attorney to make sure I have the correct information & to clarify anything I am unsure of ). 
My husband & I hope to be able to negoiate most things & not turn it into a knock down dirty fight & give all our $$ to the lawyers. I have consulted with a few lawyers last year & do have an idea of some of my rights ( re: kids, financial, etc.) 
But any pointers prior to filing any papers would be appreciated. . .

Look forward to your comments . . ..


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

First and foremost, stop thinking of yourself as "another statistic". This will only make you feel worse in the long run. Think about yourself and accepting that you get to go out and find happiness again someday. Society is the reason that we have these negative feelings about divorce... It's unfortunate that society causes us so much grief when we are already unhappy in the first place.

Don't listen to everyone's horror stories. One would think that you actually do know your spouse enough to know how they would handle the divorce. i.e. do you tell him you are filing? Would they be better than just having him served? Do you try to do the papers yourself before getting a lawyer and see what you can and can't agree on? 

My guess is that you have already separated your finances while being separated. If not, make sure that your name is removed from anything that his is on, credit cards, etc. If you want anything else from the family home, a lawyer will suggest you go take it before you file. 

Write a letter to yourself on a day where you are feeling happy and strong. Set it aside and bring it out whenever you are having doubts about the future or what you are doing.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You sound like you have your legal ducks in order. Very smart. I suppose the separation has given you time to reevaluate and detach.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you tried everything and put up with alot!

Take care.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hey thanks to Corpuswife & flutterby for your encouraging words. As much as I was hoping to not have to make divorce a reality & did everything in my power to prevent it. I think that is why I am am finally at peace because I felt that I exhausted all my options & did all that I could do to save the marriage. And unfortunately, my husband can not say the same. It took me a long time to realize that I can't make this if he isn't willing to be honest & put in a good faith effort - which he never did. I kept hoping things would change & he would have that "light bulb moment" that he would realize what a good thing he had with me, our kids, our home, our lives etc. The light bulb never came on for him . . .
The advice about writing a letter is a good one & may have to try that. I do ( not as frequently as I would like) write in a journal to help me vent & sort out my thoughts. That was incredibly helpful for me when I 1st found out about the affair. I was pregnant at the time I found out about the other woman & was in a tough position due to pregnancy. 2 months after we had our child, I found out he was going to be the father of other woman's child - needless to say I was devasted again because he had given me his commitment in sept. that he would end it & the child was conceived in Nov. 

I feel that I have been through the worst part already & now just need to seperate myself fully from him & all the bad things he has brought to our relationship. One of the hardest parts of this for me is that - this is not what I had planned for my life. I thought I would be married & live happily ever after. This is definitely not what I had planned & not where I wanted to be with my life. I guess in a sense I have been grieving the "loss of our my marriage" & finally am at the acceptance stage. 

But if I can divorce & be happy with my life & my kids that is the most important thing.


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## H8M32DAY (Oct 16, 2008)

It sounds to me like you are doing great so far. The only thing I'd add is that even though he may seem willing to negotiate things now dosen't mean he'll stay that willing. It seems like all decency goes out the window when it comes to money and things. I'm not saying he's like this, but be prepared for anything. When I left my first husband his family really drug me through the mud on this. 

I know what ya mean about life not going as planned. The last thing I ever wanted was a divorce. Now days I say "I'll know what the plan is after it's already done!"

Take care!


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## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

H8M32DAY has a point. I had a similar experience with my first husband. He was on such an emotional roller coaster that things constantly changed. First it was "you take the house and the kids" then it was "I want the house" then it was "You take the house" then it was "You can have the house, but you have to buy out my equity" then it was "you don't have to buy out my equity but I don't want to pay child support!"

I hope you don't go through anything like that, but just be careful. 

FYI- in the end I did get the house, and the kids, and the child support, and never paid him a cent in equity. And in the end, all of that WAS his final decision. Good luck to you. (hugs)


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

easy silence - did you negotiate with your husband or was it all done through a lawyer? I have also read about a mediators but from what I can gather - they can not advise you legally. think the idea is you & your ex draw up what you feel is fair. Then have a lawyer review it to make recommendations before you sign off on it. Again - has anyone had experience working with mediators ??

My husband & I have said we really need to meet to go over each of "ideas of what we want from the divorce". He apparently has already made his list. I know it won't be an easy or comfortable conversation & somewhat want to avoid it but yet know it needs to be done - ugh . . . 
We have been able to be very civil throughout this process thus far but think you all are right - that once we start talking about $$ it tends to get more nasty. wish us luck!!

It doesn't help his negotiation situation when I think he already has a new "friend" & we aren't even divorced yet. I'm just a little pissed off about this but yet with all that has happened - I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Because FL is a no fault state it doesn't really matter in the courts eyes that he had an affair - so I can't really use that against him in the legal issues. Doesn't seem fair does it? 

As of now, I am living in our condo & he is renting & has been since last spring. I have been paying the morgtage & maintenance since he moved out. I really want to keep the condo for a number of reasons 1) the kids don't have to be disrupted & their lives will continue as normal as possible, 2) can't find somewhere to rent for much cheaper than my mortgage & want to refinance once we decide how to work this out 3) selling now wouldn't be a good idea due to depressed market. so hopefully he'll agree to let us stay but will need to figure out how that equity thing works . . . 

Can anyone tell me if I refinance & get him off the deed, can I somehow pay him off ( if that is what he requests??) when I refinance???? Think I may need to consult with a real estate attorney on this one but figured I ask. I think I can also request that I keep it & he get a percentage of the condo when I sell. Think his work might have an EAP line we can call & possibly get some consultations/referrals over the phone. 
Need to look into this too - ugh. 
Need to keep reminding myself that things will be better once we can get through this

He already pays child support so got that covered. Think he is going to try to negotiate to pay less but I'm not willing to do that at this point. 
I might be able to file for alimony 13 yrs but had been told by lawyers that is it sometimes hard to collect if less than 15-17 yrs. I don't plan to go after him for that but may let him think that I can & it is something I am willing to compromise. 

As for car - I own my car in my name solely. His car is on loan under my name still - so we will need to work that one out. 

any other household items - I am not too attached to so don't forsee any of these items being a big sticking point. His apt is furnished now so he took very little when he moved out. 
The only thing would be if he wants to buy something - then he may want more household items once he has his own place. 

Our investments - are still in both names now. We chose not to seperate until we were sure. So will need to sort out joint acct, IRA's etc. Legally don't think we have too much negotiating room unless you have a pre-nup ( which we didn't) so think $$ has to be split 50/50 for the most part. 

If I recall(previous lawyer consultation in 2008) because he had an affair - I can try to claim the $$ he spent on the other woman ( which was OUR $$ at the time) & get it as back payment. But not too sure about this or if I need to prove the amounts, etc. Any comments anyone . . .??

Anyways - looks like I have lots of homework to do yet. Then a dreaded conversation with the husband & then more research & consultation with lawyers. Boy - I can hardly wait (haha) 

If any of you have any other experience to share or pointer - send them my way. 
THANKS IN ADVANCE!!


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