# EA has moved to PA - need plan of attack



## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

My wife of 11 years has filed for divorce. Standard ILYBNINWY speech, yada yada yada.

Knew she was having an EA with a coworker. She obviously denied it and couldn't get any additional information from her.

No phone call or emails between the two - everything was done by text message which she would immediately delete.

Last weekend, she went into work on both Friday and Saturday nights - she was (legitimately) behind in her job and needed to go into the office. Was there until midnight both nights.

Sunday was our youngest daughter's family birthday party. We had people over and she acted like everything was fine. My parents, whom I has just told a few days before that we were getting divorced, commented later how nothing seemed amiss.

Sunday night, lying in bed, she asked me to f*ck her. Out of the blue - she hadn't wanted me to touch her in weeks. Having a long time of pent up "need", fun times ensued.

Monday morning, while she is in the shower, I find her pants and underwear (which I had ripped off the night before and thrown to the floor). Her underwear has some white stains in the crotch area. She never put them on after we had sex the previous night. My heart sank. I picked them up and stashed them in a drawer.

I denied myself the probable truth. I assumed that it was something else, but I did contact Shamwow for the contact information of where he sent his "sample" just in case. Thanks Shamwow.

This morning, again while she was in the shower, I synced her iPhone and grabbed a copy the text message backup file. Just got a chance to go through it now... This night will haunt me.

Realizing that there are gaps, since she deletes all messages, and not having date stamps on the texts, it paints a grim picture. Started with references to a kiss or two. Then along to "I like your thingy". And I found one that said "Did you cum". Nice. Plenty of other "babes", "loves", and other terms of endearment. 

I've requested the underwear sample be tested for semen and compared to my DNA to ensure it isn't mine. Once I have those results back (week or so), and assuming it is positive, exposure.

I know the drill. I've read it a bunch of times on here. My problem comes with the divorce that it hanging over my head.

In the beginning, my STBXW said she wanted to keep it amicable for the kids sake. We have four children. We are still early in the proceedings - she has her lawyer, I have mine. I haven't been served yet, but that is at any time (although my lawyer will request that it be served to his office). 

My main goal is that I keep joint legal custody of the kids. If we go to court, that option is taken off the table - the court decides to one parent or the other. Infidelity does not make a lick of difference with regards to who is the most fit parent and I do not want to take that risk. Also, she has said that she doesn't want to "screw me" in the settlement with regards to support and maintenance. I make more than twice what she does and she could get both if it were to go to a judge. As it stands, she is only going to ask for child support.

So my concern is that on exposure, she'll reneg on her intentions and fire with both barrels. It is a terrifying prospect for me as even just paying child support has me living in a tiny two bedroom apartment (where am I going to put four kids?) so to put maintenance on top of that will be devastating. I really don't want to play roulette with the courts since the odds are not in my favor - I want to be heavily involved with my kids.

Also, exposing to their workplace might very well end up in getting my STBXW fired. Her income drops to zero, by financial obligation goes up.

The funny thing is, at this point, I still want to save my marriage. I know to do that, I need to blow it up which is why I will do the exposure, but I am so conflicted it is tough to think straight.

My initial plan is to wait until we have a preliminary agreement drawn up and approved by both of us and the lawyers. Once that is done and filed, then expose. She could at that point ask that the preliminary agreement be modified, but hopefully the expense of doing that (full on fees) and the desire to see this done will prevent her from doing that.

I hate to have to put the kids through this. I know the OM has a long term girlfriend (they have one son together) who actually works down the street from me. However, I have no good way of contacting her to pass along the news (note that the semen sample will only prove it is not mine - it doesn't prove that it is his, but 99.9% still leaves some small measure of doubt). She needs to know. I asked my mother-in-law after the proceedings were started if she thought that the OM was someone special in my STBXW's life. She said no, and agreed that the divorce was not a decision that she agreed with. Curious to see how that plays out. My STBXW has her best friend who I believe is supporting her in this situation so I don't know what to expect there.

At the end of the day, I am too angry right now to feel sorry for myself for too long. The thought of going through this divorce has really beat me down over the last few weeks. I am crushed for the kids. The divorce was going to be tough enough on them, then to have this background knowledge, it is going to be tough for me to be strong and "respectful" about their mother in front of them.

Heh - maybe I'm wrong and the sample will come back negative...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Im truly sorry. Please dont have any sexual act with her and get tested for STDs.

Calm yourself and read this link, Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

One other note, if you want more child custody you can ease her life so she can spend her time outside of the house while you take care of the kids. Keep a journal of these to prove you are the primary care giver while she does nothing for few weeks or a month. This will help you tremandously in getting 50/50 or more.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Is this correct?

Your wife is divorcing you.

She will stay in the house with the kids.

You will pay child support but no alimony.

The other man will stay with his girlfriend but continue to cheat on her with your wife.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Is this correct?
> 
> Your wife is divorcing you.
> 
> ...


I will answer your questions... 

My plan is that we sell the house and split the equity. I'll need it to get back on my feet. She'll probably offer a trade-off where she keeps the house and I keep 100% of my 401k (it is pretty much equal to the equity in the house). In my worst case scenario, she'll try and guilt me into it since my forcing the sale of the house the kids will have to "move from their friends and out of one of the top school districts in the state". She still hasn't told me what her proposed settlement is (she is back at "work" right now), so I don't know right now.

Her initial proposal to me when she said she would file for divorce was that she would only seek child support (to the maximum allowed of course). I understand and am fully prepared to fulfill my obligation to my kids.

Exposure should hopefully change that last point...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Hey - she just got home...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Going to check her undies?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> Going to check her undies?


In the morning. Don't think I can, or want to, get them off her now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Are you going to use the exposure as a leverage for a better settlement or expose it anyway?

edit: to your and her family/friends, OMgf not included.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> Are you going to use the exposure as a leverage for a better settlement or expose it anyway?
> 
> edit: to your and her family/friends, OMgf not included.


Expose anyways. The settlement will be what it is. She can never truthfully tell anyone that I am a bad father.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Will you pursue other proof, to strengthen your exposure? Such as her car in front of a hotel at midnight, etc.?


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

keko said:


> Will you pursue other proof, to strengthen your exposure? Such as her car in front of a hotel at midnight, etc.?


Did you buy a VAR and/or GPS and place them in her car ??


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her getting fired , I dont believe will affect your alimony or other payments. She will be expected by the court to obtain similar employment at similar pay. Think about it, if what you feared is true then you could just quit your job during the diviorce and owe nothing since you had *****ing coming in. See , can't game the system that way. They look at what's been going on and expect each spouse to continue as they have.

So expose away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Affair relationships have a 3% success rate. She'll come crawling back when reality hits


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Her getting fired , I font believe will affect your alimony or other payments.


Of course it will affect his support obligation if HIS actions get HER fired!

That's a lot different from an exspouse with support obligations voluntarily quitting their job!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lenzi said:


> Of course it will affect his support obligation if HIS actions get HER fired!
> 
> That's a lot different from an exspouse with support obligations voluntarily quitting their job!


Nope. Him reporting her actions to HR truthfully won't. It is her choice to cheat that is causing her firing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Just finished a long conversation... Heading to bed after this.

Talked about generalities about the divorce. The subject of the OM came up (let's call him Jeff, since that is his name). She again insisted that there is nothing going on. I asked about all the deleted texts - her response was that is was either about work, or inappropriate joke texts that I would take offense to if I saw them. Talking about cumming is pretty offensive I suppose.

She also said that she could never be with this guy - he has a girlfriend and a kid, it wouldn't make sense, etc. I tried to keep as quiet as possible and keep the smirk off my face. 

Maybe she is telling the truth and I am way out to left field. The sample results may still come back negative and all I have are some snippets of text messages (damning as they are). 

I am trying not to feel useless in this situation. As Bandit.45 has told me, man up and grow some balls....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

You have no way of knowing how a judge will see this. If she loses her job because she was fired there's a good chance it's going to come back to bite him as he already figured out in his first post on this thread.

Getting her fired is a BAD idea. At the very least it will create more strife, drive them right into the hands of the greedy attorneys and remove any possibility of a fast and easy settlement.

Nothing to gain, EVERTYTHING to lose with your advice.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do u have a GPS in her car? To be sure she is even at work or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

First, don't doubt that you got this right. The texts are damning, but I know how our minds paly tricks on us in this circumstance. But, the texts are clear.

As for exposure, I would lean toward holding off and uusing the threat of exposure as leverage. Of course, the threat cannot be explicit but there are ways to get the message accross to a cheater that if there is a hearing, this info comes out. Again, the suggestion must be subtle and never explicit, as making it explicit constitutes extortion and you could get in trouble.
I realize you want to save your marriage and exposure is the right tool to begin the process. But, even with exposure, with a WW, in particular, the odds are very long on ever reconciling. Most of the time a cheating woman does not return to the marriage.
So weigh the advantage of having a potential trump card to use in getting a favorable divorce settlement against the long odds of ever reconciling, even after exposure.
You can always expose post divorce and give her the option of remarrying(with a pre-nup, of course). If she was likely to return due to exposure pre-divorce, her inclination will be the same post divorce.
But, sriously, so few of these women ever retturn do not get your hopes up. Sorry for your pain.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

EADGbe----If there is a D., you need to have your wife KEEP her job-----how much she makes will decide the amt. of alimony-----You have no idea what type of judge you will draw, as to whether they might lean to you, or her.---but if she has a bulldog for an atty.---your getting her fired---truth or not, is gonna rise up and bite you in the butt. If nothing else her atty., will paint you as a spitful , mean, nasty man, who will go to no ends to hurt his wife for wishing to D., and that could effect the judge in how he/she deals with the child custody issue.------just quietly let it all happen, and move on.

If your wife wants to be free let her go---why do wanna live in misery----your kids will be fine, but,the last thing the kids need is 2 parents showing animosity toward each other, at every turn.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> She also said that she could never be with this guy - he has a girlfriend and a kid, it wouldn't make sense, etc. I tried to keep as quiet as possible and keep the smirk off my face.
> 
> Maybe she is telling the truth and I am way out to left field.


If wishes were horses, beggars would ride
If turnips were swords, I'd wear one by my side
If ifs and ands were pots and pans, 
there'd be no need for tinkers' hands


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Man, the reality of last night is really hitting me today. Emotions all over the place. Anger, humiliation, guilt, frustration, regret, and a bunch of others. 

The waiting for the test results is going to feel like forever.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, rule number one, when a cheaters lips are moving, they're usually lying. The other thing is, cheaters are incredibly good at lying and in making you believe that your insane and having you second guess yourself.

The only thing that you've accomplished is she now knows you are incredibly suspicious and she is going to hide this affair very well. I would get heavy duty velcro and a VAR and velcro it under her drivers seat. Right now, they're talking. And they're talking about what you know, how much you know and how you found out. Then, formulating a viable story to tell you if you find anything else out.

Wait for the underwear to come back. I think it's incredibly sick that she would have sex with the OM and then you within hours of each other. But, here's the rub. She did it because she had unprotected sex with him. Then, she had it in her head that she would have sex with you because if she became pregnant, the date of conception would match and she could pass this kid off as yours and you would be none the wiser and on the hook for caring for someone else's kid. Very selfishly motivated because she didn't even consider the healthrisk she put you in.

I strongly suggest you go to you Doctor and get tested for any STD's.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Okay, rule number one, when a cheaters lips are moving, they're usually lying. The other thing is, cheaters are incredibly good at lying and in making you believe that your insane and having you second guess yourself.
> 
> The only thing that you've accomplished is she now knows you are incredibly suspicious and she is going to hide this affair very well. I would get heavy duty velcro and a VAR and velcro it under her drivers seat. Right now, they're talking. And they're talking about what you know, how much you know and how you found out. Then, formulating a viable story to tell you if you find anything else out.


:iagree:

They're going to take it further underground now.



crossbar said:


> Wait for the underwear to come back. I think it's incredibly sick that she would have sex with the OM and then you within hours of each other. But, here's the rub. She did it because she had unprotected sex with him. Then, she had it in her head that she would have sex with you because if she became pregnant, the date of conception would match and she could pass this kid off as yours and you would be none the wiser and on the hook for caring for someone else's kid. Very selfishly motivated because she didn't even consider the healthrisk she put you in.
> 
> I strongly suggest you go to you Doctor and get tested for any STD's.


:iagree:

It's sick, but it happens all the time. I've read so many stories of WWs who bang their OM, then come home and have sex with their BH, sometimes kissing him after she's given her OM a BJ. It's sick and perverted, but adds to their thrill. Then her and OM have a laugh about it later.

And we've read here many many times that *affair sex is almost always unprotected sex.* I would not be able to get over the mind movies of some OM cumming inside my wife and her enjoying it.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Okay, rule number one, when a cheaters lips are moving, they're usually lying. The other thing is, cheaters are incredibly good at lying and in making you believe that your insane and having you second guess yourself.
> 
> The only thing that you've accomplished is she now knows you are incredibly suspicious and she is going to hide this affair very well. I would get heavy duty velcro and a VAR and velcro it under her drivers seat. Right now, they're talking. And they're talking about what you know, how much you know and how you found out. Then, formulating a viable story to tell you if you find anything else out.
> 
> ...


They don't need to talk on the phone (and they rarely do - call logs confirm that). They work side by side and rely on text messages for all their communication.

The sex thing bothers me too. Having said that, the pregnancy angle would be tough to explain as I got "snipped" while she was pregnant with child number four.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> the pregnancy angle would be tough to explain as I got "snipped" while she was pregnant with child number four.


If she is pregant you could be responsible for supporting the child even if it isn't yours. That's how it works in many states.

Talk about adding insult to injury.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> They don't need to talk on the phone (and they rarely do - call logs confirm that). They work side by side and rely on text messages for all their communication.


Well, needless to say, it's never going to end as long as they work together. Never.

Although, as I've seen others say before, they can still work together and it can stop being an affair--if you get a divorce.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> They're going to take it further underground now.
> 
> ...




I read this in a WS forum, it was disgusting. It was not written by WW, but her OM. He wrote that doing this was biggest turn on for her.

Wah, how can one be so cruel to another human being.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Well, needless to say, it's never going to end as long as they work together. Never.
> 
> Although, as I've seen others say before, they can still work together and it can stop being an affair--if you get a divorce.


Which we are doing. It is frustrating to me because on one side she is telling me why she is going through with the divorce while insisting she has no one else in her life. 

So what is the benefit of me exposing, right? Just seems vindictive. So I feel trapped and humiliated because I know she is doing wrong, but there is nothing I can do about it. 

And she wants to keep it "amicable" for the kids. Don't see how I am going to deal with this and get over it right now. Too much conflicting thoughts in my head.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> Which we are doing. It is frustrating to me because on one side she is telling me why she is going through with the divorce while insisting she has no one else in her life.
> 
> So what is the benefit of me exposing, right? Just seems vindictive. So I feel trapped and humiliated because I know she is doing wrong, but there is nothing I can do about it.
> 
> And she wants to keep it "amicable" for the kids. Don't see how I am going to deal with this and get over it right now. Too much conflicting thoughts in my head.


Not vindictive, it's letting the truth cone into the light so that all parties are dealing with same set of facts.

It also teaches your kids not to be a pushover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> So what is the benefit of me exposing, right? Just seems vindictive. So I feel trapped and humiliated because I know she is doing wrong, but there is nothing I can do about it.


Yep, that's pretty much how we've all felt at the point where you're at. We didn't do anything wrong--so why do we feel so humiliated and ashamed? Guess what--affairs grow under rocks. They thrive in dark caves. They mushroom down in holes in the ground. Cheaters RELY on the fact that a spouse is embarrassed, too scared to breathe a word to a soul. That's the glue that holds the affair together once you've found it out.

You did NOTHING wrong. Cheating was her CHOICE. Now grow a pair and shine the (as Mr.Hopeful said in his thread) light of a thousand suns on the affair and watch it crack like an egg.

Do you want your wife back? Do you want your marriage? That is a noble desire. You vowed to remain faithful for life. So live up to your side of the vows, since she WON'T, and EXPOSE. 

Vindictiveness is not even in this picture, what the heck are you talking about?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> So what is the benefit of me exposing, right? Just seems vindictive. So I feel trapped and humiliated because I know she is doing wrong, but there is nothing I can do about it.


Because the WH/WW would never admit to people that the marriage ended because they were screwing around with someone else. They will make you the bad guy in all of this. You didn't support them emotionally, you fought with her all the time. You could have cared less about her and you were roomates more than a married couple. That's what she will tell people. Not the truth. That's the benefit of exposing. Because, sooner or later she gonna slowly expose the OM to her family and tell them that he has been an amazing shoulder to cry on during this difficult time in her life and giving her support that she needed and feelings sorta crept up for both of them. THEN, the OM turns into a supportive hero for your WW in their eyes. NOT the scambag he is for preying on and sleeping with a married woman. They will have a hard time accepting their relationship if this was the case.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Because the WH/WW would never admit to people that the marriage ended because they were screwing around with someone else. They will make you the bad guy in all of this.


Who cares what other people think? Who gives a hoot if uninformed people think the betrayed spouse is the bad guy?

The goal is to get out of the situation as quickly and inexpensively as possible, with minimum conflict and if there are kids, to spare them the trauma that goes with it.

That's all that really matters. So many are so concerned about "what others think" as if it makes one damn bit of difference.

People will ALWAYS gossip. So let them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Okay, rule number one, when a cheaters lips are moving, they're usually lying. The other thing is, cheaters are incredibly good at lying and in making you believe that your insane and having you second guess yourself.
> 
> The only thing that you've accomplished is she now knows you are incredibly suspicious and she is going to hide this affair very well. I would get heavy duty velcro and a VAR and velcro it under her drivers seat. Right now, they're talking. And they're talking about what you know, how much you know and how you found out. Then, formulating a viable story to tell you if you find anything else out.
> 
> ...


****ing hell......<<NTA's jaw drops>>


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

lenzi said:


> You have no way of knowing how a judge will see this. If she loses her job because she was fired there's a good chance it's going to come back to bite him as he already figured out in his first post on this thread.
> 
> Getting her fired is a BAD idea. At the very least it will create more strife, drive them right into the hands of the greedy attorneys and remove any possibility of a fast and easy settlement.
> 
> Nothing to gain, EVERTYTHING to lose with your advice.


Speaking as agreedy attorney, I'm with Lenzi. I get exposure, but exposing it to the workplace, particularly when divorce is a likely outcome either way, seems like a bad plan to me.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Speaking as agreedy attorney, I'm with Lenzi. I get exposure, but exposing it to the workplace, particularly when divorce is a likely outcome either way, seems like a bad plan to me.


he may very well have to choose between a pain-free, financially decent divorce, vs. R.

These lovers work side by side.

Perhaps the answer is, if he wants to R: file for divorce, present her the papers in person, if she expresses remorse and a desire to stay in the marriage, tell her she must quit her job. If she refuses to quit her job, expose to her family and yours and mutual non-work close friends that she respects. If she still refuses to quit her job, ask her to move out and let her go.

If she quits her job but maintains contact, obviously procede with D.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Speaking as agreedy attorney, I'm with Lenzi. I get exposure, but exposing it to the workplace, particularly when divorce is a likely outcome either way, seems like a bad plan to me.


Right. Actually my exposing it to the workplace might not only get my STBXW fired, but the OM as well. Since he has a girlfriend and a two year old to support, it wouldn't be right for me to cause her and her son financial hardship.

I suppose (providing the sample is positive) than when I share the info with OM's girlfriend, I could give her the option of choosing to expose it to the workplace.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Perhaps the answer is, if he wants to R: file for divorce, present her the papers in person, if she expresses remorse and a desire to stay in the marriage, tell her she must quit her job. If she refuses to quit her job, expose to her family and yours and mutual non-work close friends that she respects. If she still refuses to quit her job, ask her to move out and let her go.
> 
> If she quits her job but maintains contact, obviously procede with D.


She doesn't express remorse. She would not quit her job - she loves it. She has already filed for divorce.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> Right. Actually my exposing it to the workplace might not only get my STBXW fired, but the OM as well. Since he has a girlfriend and a two year old to support, it wouldn't be right for me to cause her and her son financial hardship.
> 
> I suppose (providing the sample is positive) than when I share the info with OM's girlfriend, I could give her the option of choosing to expose it to the workplace.


Good plan.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> She doesn't express remorse. She would not quit her job - she loves it. She has already filed for divorce.


sorry, I forgot about that.

Well, let's see what GF can do. For a minute I thought you were also saying you wouldn't tell GF, but I realized you are planning on telling her as soon as the info. is all lined up.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Because the WH/WW would never admit to people that the marriage ended because they were screwing around with someone else. They will make you the bad guy in all of this. You didn't support them emotionally, you fought with her all the time. You could have cared less about her and you were roomates more than a married couple. That's what she will tell people. Not the truth. That's the benefit of exposing. Because, sooner or later she gonna slowly expose the OM to her family and tell them that he has been an amazing shoulder to cry on during this difficult time in her life and giving her support that she needed and feelings sorta crept up for both of them. THEN, the OM turns into a supportive hero for your WW in their eyes. NOT the scambag he is for preying on and sleeping with a married woman. They will have a hard time accepting their relationship if this was the case.


This has already started. Our recent conversations about the breakdown of the marriage seem to have a lot of fingers pointed at me.

Saw a Facebook chat that she had with her best friend the other day where she said things along the lines of "Thank God for J(eff)", "he is my little bit of love and hope in the day", etc.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

reggis said:


> Who cares what other people think? Who gives a hoot if uninformed people think the betrayed spouse is the bad guy?
> 
> 
> People will ALWAYS gossip. So let them.


 Well, that's your opinion and I can respect that. My stance is that I'm a firm believer in the truth. 

I wouldn't stand by and let my Ex tell lies on why my marriage ended. I wouldn't want her to state that it was my failings as a husband is what caused the demise of my marriage when I know better. 

I may have already lost my marriage, but I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my self-respect due to her lies.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> This has already started. Our recent conversations about the breakdown of the marriage seem to have a lot of fingers pointed at me.


How much longer are you going to let her do that?


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

Not sure what business your stbx and her boyfriend work in, but if it is a big company as soon as the divorce is final, sue the company for creating an Alienation of Affection. Also sue the boyfriend. I would get all the documentation together showing this was on workplace time. I would wait until the divorce is final so you have all your financials in order. Go ahead and sue for millions. Both will be fired and you might end up with a college fund for your children. Revenge is better when properly planned.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Well, that's your opinion and I can respect that. My stance is that I'm a firm believer in the truth.
> 
> I wouldn't stand by and let my Ex tell lies on why my marriage ended. I wouldn't want her to state that it was my failings as a husband is what caused the demise of my marriage when I know better.
> 
> I may have already lost my marriage, but I'll be damned if I'm going to lose my self-respect due to her lies.


What she tells the kids will matter.


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## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Affair relationships have a 3% success rate. She'll come crawling back when reality hits


This is true, and when all is said and done, she will not be interested to find she may well indeed be with the 97%, because 3% is a low percentage. The guilty spouses who move on to relationships with their extamarital partners can not even trust each other. They already know they are living with a cheater! LOL, for crying out loud. Some folks are just tore up and can not commit 100% which is so sad!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Right. Actually my exposing it to the workplace might not only get my STBXW fired, but the OM as well. Since he has a girlfriend and a two year old to support, it wouldn't be right for me to cause her and her son financial hardship.
> 
> I suppose (providing the sample is positive) than when I share the info with OM's girlfriend, I could give her the option of choosing to expose it to the workplace.


Most times an exposure at the workplace does not result in anyone being fired , there are companies who will enforce a move however they are in the minority. What the exposure at the workplace does do is alert the company to potential misuse of time and of company equipment.

Your using reasons that many BS use not to inform the company . You should expose regardless as you do not know if this OM is a sexual predator, all you do is say the truth , the company will make its own decisions based on the information they can factually prove.

The win for you is if she tries to gaslight you at the workplace she is aware the company knows of her affair
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> The sex thing bothers me too. Having said that, the pregnancy angle would be tough to explain as I got "snipped" while she was pregnant with child number four.


Well, then it makes it even more disturbing that she would have sex with you right after having him. I wouldn't count out the pregnancy angle just yet. She could say that your "snip" didn't take because your were the only person she was with, "remember that night? Well, that's the night the Doctor said it happened!"

I can't explain any other reason that she never wanted to have sex with you, then all of the sudden she wants it. And wants it now! Doesn't make any other sense except the pregnancy or she got a kick out of it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The same goes with your children, tell them the truth. Do not teach them that lies are ok , when they hear the truth from you and you telling them it is not their fault, that you love them and will alway be there, they will trust and respect you. Children are not stupid , they hear and know something is amiss.

A extract of a post below: change the context to your situation.

"Bear something in mind--it is not you TELLING that did the damage. It is what your hubby DID that is causing the damage between him and his son. In an effort to keep the affair "under wraps" and a secret, many disloyal spouses try to pull this one, and it's just blameshifting and deflection. What you did was "Tell the Truth" and inform your son of facts. 

Now suppose that "the Truth" was that your hubby had been absolutely faithful, had blocked the OW's emails, and had rebuffed her attempts at pursuit by calling you on the phone while she was in the room. Suppose he had stood for you and your marriage and said, "Stop that stuff right now! I am dedicated to Highwood, and I intend to love her with my whole mind, body and soul"? Where would your son's relationship with his dad be? Would your son maybe respect and admire his dad? It would be different, wouldn't it? And that's because the thing that is harming their relationship is the fact that his dad not only did NOT rebuff the OW but also lied to you for 6 more months! 

So don't fall for that old trick. It's bologna. "
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Ben Connedfussed said:


> This is true, and when all is said and done, she will not be interested to find she may well indeed be with the 97%, because 3% is a low percentage. The guilty spouses who move on to relationships with their extamarital partners can not even trust each other. They already know they are living with a cheater! LOL, for crying out loud. Some folks are just tore up and can not commit 100% which is so sad!


I'm honestly starting to think that when a person is in the fog, you should just let them go and wait it out until that relationship collapses, it's not worth all the pain trying to prevent them cheating when the end result is the same. My philosophy is to file to D and see how far they're willing to go to win *you *back instead of chasing them around like sherlock holmes


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> What she tells the kids will matter.


LOL! You know what she's gonna tell the little ones. That "Uncle Jeff" is a really good friend of Mommy's that sometimes sleeps over.

So, knock first!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I'm honestly starting to think that when a person is in the fog, you should just let them go and wait it out until that relationship collapses, it's not worth all the pain trying to prevent them cheating when the end result is the same. My philosophy is to file to D and see how far they're willing to go to win you back instead of chasing them around like sherlock holmes


well...and this is something I have not posted before. I turn over and over in my mind if we would be in R if 3 years had not passed between DD#1 and DD#2. I was in the dark all that time. It gave me a chance to get my sh*t together, so that when DD#2 came, I was stronger than ever. It gave my H a chance to see the shine wear off of his fantasy bubble. She was never going to leave her H. She wasn't perfect. She would get mad, just like I always did, when he was late (AS USUAL) and claimed that "he left as soon as he could." But waiting it out only worked for me because I didn't know they were in contact. If I had known, it would have eaten me alive. To be the best mom I could be, I'd have to look myself in the mirror and then go show my children how you don't let someone massively disrespect you. I would have had no choice but to file D.

I think the passage of time--and my changes from the inside out, all accomplished for myself and none of it for him--explains my H's ability to walk away from the AP without a second glance.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

crossbar said:


> LOL! You know what she's gonna tell the little ones. That "Uncle Jeff" is a really good friend of Mommy's that sometimes sleeps over.
> 
> So, knock first!


My ex BIL ran off with the nurse. My sister feels that they had had an affair for about 6 years before he asked for a divorce. The nurse even babysat a few times when my sister and exBIL went out. So the nurse had become a bit of a buddy to the girls.

My nieces figured out. Once I offered them a session with a psychic. I thought it was for fun but they wrote out these questions and didn't allow me to see them. A few months later my sister told me that her ex had gone through their purses and saw what they wrote. they had been asking what the nurse's role was in their parents' divorce. My sister said it was very nasty and their father didn't see the girls very much. I hear now that he doesn't bother too much with them at all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

iheartlife said:


> well...and this is something I have not posted before. I turn over and over in my mind if we would be in R if 3 years had not passed between DD#1 and DD#2. I was in the dark all that time. It gave me a chance to get my sh*t together, so that when DD#2 came, I was stronger than ever. It gave my H a chance to see the shine wear off of his fantasy bubble. She was never going to leave her H. She wasn't perfect. She would get mad, just like I always did, when he was late (AS USUAL) and claimed that "he left as soon as he could." *But waiting it out only worked for me because I didn't know they were in contact. If I had known, it would have eaten me alive. To be the best mom I could be, I'd have to look myself in the mirror and then go show my children how you don't let someone massively disrespect you. I would have had no choice but to file D.*
> 
> I think the passage of time--and my changes from the inside out, all accomplished for myself and none of it for him--explains my H's ability to walk away from the AP without a second glance.



this is true. Knowledge is power. But knowledge also creates responsibility. --unless they don't know that you know.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> My ex BIL ran off with the nurse. My sister feels that they had had an affair for about 6 years before he asked for a divorce. The nurse even babysat a few times when my sister and exBIL went out. So the nurse had become a bit of a buddy to the girls.
> 
> My nieces figured out. Once I offered them a session with a psychic. I thought it was for fun but they wrote out these questions and didn't allow me to see them. A few months later my sister told me that her ex had gone through their purses and saw what they wrote. they had been asking what the nurse's role was in their parents' divorce. My sister said it was very nasty and their father didn't see the girls very much. I hear now that he doesn't bother too much with them at all.


Oh, I'm not trying to say kids are stupid. They're a lot smarter than what we give them credit for. All I'm saying is what the WW/WH tells them is usually pretty stupid.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you have a plan but today you are emotionaly messed up after last nights talk.

I think waiting for the test result is a start. Having a lawyer is great so get on the phone a ask him what the best options are. He may tell you the exposure and blowing up this affair won't matter, but I question his intention of making more money when this gets nasty.

So on one side of the scale is, stay nice and try to come out ahead in the divorce. The other side of the scale is expose the affair after the panty test and go nuclear.

IMHO the fact that she filed first is a big step she has taken and the exposure will not get her back but just break up the affair. I think this is a little differant battle then your typical affair fog hence the, her filing 1st. If she hadn't then it would be a differant attack plan.

I think she is also affraid, she has alot to lose if it gets exposed and is sexing you up and not throwing the A in your face and is trying to do as much damage control as possible.

I think you stay nice and get this divorce and don't expose until its finalized. Something tells me she has alot to lose and exposing will push her in a corner and she will come out swinging. But again your lawyer may give you a better option.


What will you realy gain or lose by exposing and making this A as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible?

I guess the lab results will give you the best direction in all of this. After you get the result I would suggest hiring a PI. You then can name the OM in your counter suit.

I also think if you can get enough dirt on the A the scale may be in favor of exposing the A versus playing nice to come out ahead in the D. Enough dirt might get you a decent settlement but IMHO won't save the marriage. Her filing 1st is a big point in my thinking here.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

the guy said:


> I think you have a plan but today you are emotionaly messed up after last nights talk.
> 
> I think waiting for the test result is a start. Having a lawyer is great so get on the phone a ask him what the best options are. He may tell you the exposure and blowing up this affair won't matter, but I question his intention of making more money when this gets nasty.
> 
> ...



She filed first because she wanted the divorce. This isn't something I want or believe is the correct thing to do. I love my wife, kids, and family.

My big concern is the kids - that they get through this as easily as possible and that I stay involved in their lives. I need to keep a professional relationship with my STBXW for their sake. If that means I end up sitting on the information should it be positive because that will keep the peace, I will do that. I am capable of thinking of people other than myself, unlike someone I thought I knew...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

...and that person could very well turn the kids against you when they start questioning the divorce.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

lht285 said:


> Not sure what business your stbx and her boyfriend work in, but if it is a big company as soon as the divorce is final, sue the company for creating an Alienation of Affection. Also sue the boyfriend.


Sue the company his wife works for because she decided to ruin the marriage by cheating on him with a coworker? That's just what this country needs, more ridiculous litigation, going after deep pockets to try to get money from our own failures.

Sue the affair partner for alienation of affection? I don't recall ever hearing about a case like this and probably for very good reason.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

kindi said:


> Sue the affair partner for alienation of affection? I don't recall ever hearing about a case like this and probably for very good reason.


Only 8 state's have it, maybe that's why you didn't hear it.

Alienation of Affection State Laws


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

kindi said:


> Sue the company his wife works for because she decided to ruin the marriage by cheating on him with a coworker? That's just what this country needs, more ridiculous litigation, going after deep pockets to try to get money from our own failures.
> 
> Sue the affair partner for alienation of affection? I don't recall ever hearing about a case like this and probably for very good reason.


There are 6 or 7 states which permit these kind of suits, but I'm under the impression that they're fairly rare and usually unsucessful. May be the stuff of a good revenge fantasy, but the old truism that the best revenge is a life well-lived is just that, true.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> Which we are doing. It is frustrating to me because on one side she is telling me why she is going through with the divorce while insisting she has no one else in her life.
> 
> So what is the benefit of me exposing, right? Just seems vindictive. So I feel trapped and humiliated because I know she is doing wrong, but there is nothing I can do about it.


Then when you're ready calmly expose it to close friends and your family. Include a few of "her" friends that know you both, and who you are fairly close with. (***EDIT: expose to her parents as well, or a family member of hers that you have a rapport with)

Word will get around just fine and you won't be blowing things up on the evening news.

I didn't tell FB or send out an email blast, etc. Told the people that mattered...and believe me, everyone now knows why I left my ex. Except probably anyone she may date from here on out...but that's their problem. 

For you...you gotta tell people why you're divorcing. Some people. You won't regret it, it will reinforce your self-worth bigtime to know that you're supported by those close to you.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This sounds all kinds of backassward.

you gotta get ur footing and regroup, your getting owned right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You gotta do what you're comfortable with. However I sense a lot of hand wringing here that has driven you to do: Absolutely Nothing.

And it really sucks that these cheaters are getting away with their affair which has destroyed your family and marriage, and you are left doing nothing because you are afraid of possibly getting him/her fired, and possibly not having a nice relationship with her.

Seriously? These are two people who have chosen deliberately to trash your marriage, family, and life. And you're upset, but too afraid of consequences if you take action to end the affair.

Don't let them cower you into inaction.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

keko said:


> Only 8 state's have it, maybe that's why you didn't hear it.
> 
> Alienation of Affection State Laws


Interesting reading.

Most states don't have it anymore because it's an archaic, outdated concept that is a waste of taxpayers money when these things go through the court system. Tough to prove, almost impossible to prosecute.

Besides why is the OM or OW the only one "guilty" of a crime? The cheating partner is at least as guilty, they've got a mind of their own and they made the same decision. Might as well throw them in the cell together.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Often the point is a tactic to make the AP choose not to pursue the A if the prize is not worth the drame.

Sure its not worth prosucuting but I would think I wouldn't want to be named in a divorce and would rather find another lonely house wife that was easier pickings.

Again its not about AP guilt as much as is about making the affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable to continue. 

Rule #1 is NC once that is confirmed then the marriage can be looked at with out any out side influences and a honest assesment can be made to keep the marriage or not.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You gotta do what you're comfortable with. However I sense a lot of hand wringing here that has driven you to do: Absolutely Nothing.
> 
> And it really sucks that these cheaters are getting away with their affair which has destroyed your family and marriage, and you are left doing nothing because you are afraid of possibly getting him/her fired, and possibly not having a nice relationship with her.
> 
> ...


Well, step one is the underwear test. Positive and I've got options. Negative, I've got some text messages that can be "explained away" and paranoia. And in either case, I've still got a divorce case.

Funny night tonight. I took our oldest daughter to her softball game. My STBXW was supposed to take our oldest son to swimming lessons, but she was running behind and opted to skip it and bring him and our other two children to the softball game. She walked up with them and the first thing I though of was the visual of her banging the OM. Disgusted me. I thought again of all the texts I read last night, and the subsequent lies she told me about how they are just friends and are comfortable around each other (very comfortable it seems). And then I was jealous, because I wished the OM was me - that she was giving me that and not him.

The game ran late so she took our youngest two home to get them ready for bed while I stayed with the oldest two until the game was over (she won - first time this year). The drive home was quiet. All I could think of then was the humiliation I feel. I hate feeling sorry for myself like this. Then the speculation that the test will find nothing - she is right and I am imagining things and am going to make a divorce situation a whole lot worse than it needs to be and that is the regret I carry for the rest of my days. 

The texts I read still crossed boundaries that I should have set a long time ago, even if it was all "harmless" in her mind. But that is weak sauce for me to hang my hat on for why she is the one at fault for the divorce.

Anyways, screw that sentimentality. It is now waiting for the results...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hanger in there brother either way you have found enough to validate your choice to divorce her. Don't expect any logic from your STBXW. Get to filing and go from there.

I forgot, will you expose OMW 1st then WW? If I remember, once the lab results come back you were going to expose to OMW and work on a cordinated confrontation with both waywards?

How long is the waiting period before the D is finalized?


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

I don't believe you can ever be happy again in this marriage no matter what else you discover.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get her a copy of not just friends and if the tests come back positive - hand the book and the results to her and then turn and walk away. Silence will be your most effective tool.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I read this in a WS forum, it was disgusting. It was not written by WW, but her OM. He wrote that doing this was biggest turn on for her.
> 
> Wah, how can one be so cruel to another human being.


It's a funny thing how the WW's coming out of an affair always say it was all about emotional connection, but the WW forum is all about having far out sex. After the D-Day, the WW's unleash the rationalization hamsters and they really start believing that "sex had nothing to do with it."


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Get her a copy of not just friends and if the tests come back positive - hand the book and the results to her and then turn and walk away. Silence will be your most effective tool.


after exposing to GF. Try to time exposure to GF just before confrontation of WS.

I agree with what Shaggy says. It sounds like it's meant to be dramatic. But what it really accomplishes is confrontation without revealing how little of the specifics you actually know, and also doesn't reveal the other source(s).


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> My STBXW was supposed to take our oldest son to swimming lessons, but she was running behind and opted to skip it and bring him and our other two children to the softball game.


Is she always coming home late? Do you have means of checking if she is at work or not?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

lenzi said:


> You have no way of knowing how a judge will see this. If she loses her job because she was fired there's a good chance it's going to come back to bite him as he already figured out in his first post on this thread.
> 
> Getting her fired is a BAD idea. At the very least it will create more strife, drive them right into the hands of the greedy attorneys and remove any possibility of a fast and easy settlement.
> 
> Nothing to gain, EVERTYTHING to lose with your advice.


This happens all the time here, Shaggy did't just fall off the turnip truck.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

chapparal said:


> This happens all the time here, Shaggy did't just fall off the turnip truck.


What happens all the time, bad advice?

Yes, I see that. 

I agree that suggesting to someone to do something that will cause their soon to be ex spouse to lose their job is very reckless. It will most definitely backfire and result in a higher support obligation.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

crossbar said:


> I can't explain any other reason that she never wanted to have sex with you, then all of the sudden she wants it. And wants it now! Doesn't make any other sense except the pregnancy or she got a kick out of it.


The thrill of giving her hated husband sloppy seconds. Then I'm sure they laughed about the fact that BH didn't notice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

stedfin said:


> What happens all the time, bad advice?
> 
> Yes, I see that.
> 
> I agree that suggesting to someone to do something that will cause their soon to be ex spouse to lose their job is very reckless. It will most definitely backfire and result in a higher support obligation.


In this case, she is having the affair at work. The only chance for the marriage is to kill the affair, only after that can she get clear of the fog and then someday possibly work on R.

Sitting back and wringing hands and worrying about her job or not - is letting fear stifle taking action. 

rule 1: Kill the affair - expose it to the light and share the truth.

I know there are other ideas on how to deal with cheating. For instance waiting at home, hoping they stop. For instance pleading, crying, and telling them how much you love them. For instance trying to win them back by out competing the AP. ALL of these approaches ends up destroying any respect the WS has for the BS, and they destroy the BS spirit and self esteem.

Then there is standing firm for your principals and demanding the WS and AP be honest about their affair to all part of their life. 

Reporting to HR in a place where employees are not permitted to date most likely will only result in them being counseled and moved to different areas. Dismissal is only likely if one of them is a supervisor, or already on some kind of probation.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

stedfin said:


> What happens all the time, bad advice?
> 
> Yes, I see that.
> 
> I agree that suggesting to someone to do something that will cause their soon to be ex spouse to lose their job is very reckless. It will most definitely backfire and result in a higher support obligation.


How has infidelity touched your life, stedfin? Just curious.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> How has infidelity touched your life, stedfin? Just curious.


It hasn't. 

I've never been a cheater nor been cheated on.

My marriage ended basically because we forgot how to get along with each other, and she was a big spender and I was a saver, I was much more firm with the kids and school, she let them do whatever they wanted including stay home even if they weren't sick. The fighting became constant but the sex didn't stop even after the divorce got rolling. 

It was love/hate right to the end. 

No other third parties.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I just read through your thread but mainly your posts. The reason your wife picked the OM is he is the kind of man who stands up for himself and takes what he wants. Your the kind of man who doesn't stand up for himself. He is an alpha male and you are a beta male. Simply put she can no longer stay with you because she feels sorrry for you. 

You are a nice guy and thats breeds contempt in a woman.

You haven't said one thing in this thread that will help you save your family, you haven't listened to anything that might help you. You don't even have a Var in the car.

Buy this book and go to the blog. 

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. ( Its not a sex manual, it explains your relationships with women)

go here:

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Your running out of time, but by her bedding you, you just might have a chance

Even if you can't save your marriage, reading these links/books will save your next one if you have the willpower.

I would wish you luck but you sound as if you have already thrown in the towel on your family.

Oh hell, Good luck


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The main reason for outing the affair is to short circuit the wife's planned demonizing of the BH to the kids. She's already alienating family and friends from the BH, the kids will be next. I'd say get a PI to follow them at "lunch" while you're waiting on the panty report.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Buy this book and go to the blog.
> 
> Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. ( Its not a sex manual, it explains your relationships with women)
> 
> ...


Definitely on the must read list for any man who is not a natural Arschloch. One thing I noticed on MMSL blog about a year ago was the article he wrote on the connection between vasectomies and subsequent affairs by the W due to the overall degradation of the semen quality. I'd noticed this before, just among my own acquaintances. Long ago, I decided I'd never have one for that reason. Did me no good, as prostate cancer took care of the whole "load."


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I just read through your thread but mainly your posts. The reason your wife picked the OM is he is the kind of man who stands up for himself and takes what he wants. Your the kind of man who doesn't stand up for himself. He is an alpha male and you are a beta male. Simply put she can no longer stay with you because she feels sorrry for you.
> 
> You are a nice guy and thats breeds contempt in a woman.
> 
> ...


Yes, thank you. I already have and read both books. I know that I've been less than Alpha in this whole situation. She has noticed some of the changes I have made based on the discoveries I've made. She has been either threatened by them or doesn't believe that they will last (her words). It is also difficult for me to overturn 40 years of Beta training and flip the switch. But I am trying.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Look whether you like it or not---you are getting a gift---you are being freed up to find, and live with a woman, who will love you and won't cheat on you

The kids will get thru this---they will get thru it a lot better than if the 2 of you stay together in misery, unhappiness, and distrust---with no love

You cannot make your wife do what you want her to---so let this go

Do not make this acrimonius----just get the best deal you can on custody, and do the best you can on alimony, and comm. prop. split

As to criminal conversation, and alienation of affection---you have very little to no solid evid. to file a law suit

Just let it go, and do what is necessary to move your own life forward---those are the things you now need to be working on-----your wife has filed---its what she wants---stop tearing yourself apart----


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

We had another discussion tonight, re: post-divorce distribution of assets and custody of the kids. As I thought, she laid on the guilt trip of her keeping the house so as not to disrupt the kids lives. 

There seems to be a backup at the lab - the underwear sample will take two weeks to process. Must be a lot of potential cheaters out there. 

I am prepping myself for the news that the sample will come back negative. I still have the text messages to expose to the OM's girlfriend, but that would always leave doubt in my mind.

It is hard listening to my STBXW describe why our marriage can't work, knowing that she isn't saying a big reason for it. It is even harder for me not to fire back at her what I know. I read the text messages again today to make sure I wasn't overthinking things. Nope - I had it right. Curious to get her phone synced again to see if there are any snippets of information saved about them discussing my suspicions. 

Someone said earlier that the chance of a post-affair relationship was only 3%. Looks like another of her coworkers (who is divorced, but with a new guy) saw a similar study as the text messages back and forth between them say "hopefully you are part of the lucky 2% as I am".


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you can get more hard evidence try using that as a leverage for asset settlement.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> It is hard listening to my STBXW describe why our marriage can't work, knowing that she isn't saying a big reason for it. It is even harder for me not to fire back at her what I know. I read the text messages again today to make sure I wasn't overthinking things. Nope - I had it right.


Speaking of statistics, the vast majority of BSs are entirely unable to sit on even a scrap of evidence for more than about 5 minutes before confronting. You are way ahead. Stay strong.

Listening in on two toxic people "support" each other in their affairs is just disgusting. I can't imagine "sharing" that stuff with someone else.

If you ever do expose at work, I'd take it higher up the chain. Sounds like there's a veritable warren of cheating going on over there, the immediate boss probably could give a sh*t.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Two weeks? Bummer...have you asked for them to expedite?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> If you ever do expose at work, I'd take it higher up the chain. Sounds like there's a veritable warren of cheating going on over there, the immediate boss probably could give a sh*t.


The other divorce case-happy story doesn't involve my STBXW's workplace at all.

Where she works is a small company. If anyone lives in the greater Buffalo, NY area, please PM me...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Two weeks? Bummer...have you asked for them to expedite?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't think of asking to expedite. In some ways, it works out well. More time to find additional text messages, and my job would have had me very busy around the time the sample would have come back on a normal basis. It should be fine.

Man, I hate that I have a role in CSI:Buffalo.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Geez - she really got to me tonight.

She again said how we had no connection. How we couldn't have fun. How she could fake it for another couple of years, but we would never be any better. I was too focused on money (that we had none - my spin), and she wanted to let caution to the wind.

Maybe it is true. I am me, she is her. I look back at the good times we had, she looks back on the bad ones. I'm no martyr here - I absolutely could have done better.

I just need to let her go. But the affair still gets exposed. Texts like:


```
UY=€So what's my mission today?streamtyped�è„@„„„NSMutableAttributedString „„NSAttributedString „„NSObject …’„„„NSMutableString„„NSString•„+So what's my mission today?†„iI’„„„NSDictionary •„i’„˜˜__kIMMessagePartAttributeName†’„„„NSNumber „„NSValue •„*„›› †††+1716512XXXX5C39E092-39B1-4A0E-99BD-6FBF79E4F13BMadridp:+1716604XXXXY=60C82000-F5DB-4756-B58B-5F25594A193EX7N$  �I     …%U )  	UY?þWell, I can tell u what I WANT the mission to be is a lot different than what it will be...lolstreamtyped�è„
```
well... 

*phone numbers obviously disguised*


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Was it sent from her or the OM?

Disgusting for a married person to be having this kind of conversation...


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> Was it sent from her or the OM?
> 
> Disgusting for a married person to be having this kind of conversation...


The "question" was from him. The "answer" from her.

Evil me wants to bring up in the next discussion about post-divorce rules that a clause is that "Uncle Jeff" is not allowed to be in the presence of the kids without my authorization and see what the reaction would be...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> The "question" was from him. The "answer" from her.
> 
> Evil me wants to bring up in the next discussion about post-divorce rules that a clause is that "Uncle Jeff" is not allowed to be in the presence of the kids without my authorization and see what the reaction would be...


Can you writ3e out the exchange that you are referring to? I can't decipher it.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Man. How do you stay in the room as her and not lay into it with everything you know. Her pretending there is nothing going on outside of the home just makes me want to scream. And puts doubts in my mind as well. 

Got to stay calm. Going to talk to old friend of mine later today to help give me some perspective and hopefully support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Try going out, doing hobbies and activities that don't involve her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EADGBE,

Patience.

Your wife has checked out of the marriage. You see that.

Your wife is a coward. She cannot be truthful to you other than being the one to file for divorce.

Of course she is pointing all issues to you. That is what cheaters do.

What is worse than the cheating is that she shows absolutely no effort in wanting to to work on your relationship for her, for you or the kids. But oh yeah! She wants to keep the house.

Get your proof, drop the bomb on her, tell her to go leave and live with "Uncle Jeff".

You keep the house and kids. She is free to spend all the time at work with POSOM all she wants. She should pay you child support.

Stay strong and Love your kids. Your STBXW is selfish!

Why would you want her???

HM64


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Sent you a PM EADGBe


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Can you writ3e out the exchange that you are referring to? I can't decipher it.


The message from him to her is:

So what's my mission today?

(...my STBXW has some control over his duties despite that they are both managers at where they work...)

Her response:

Well, I can tell u what I WANT the mission to be is a lot different than what it will be...lol

This message was sent on the Monday after their potential PA experience.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pitty you couldn't send him some instructions in her name.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Pitty you couldn't send him some instructions in her name.


We just hired someone at my office who is a huge bodybuilder. I'm a scrawny guy (although at the gym 4 days a week working on that). Figure I could bring him with me if exposure gets rough...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> The "question" was from him. The "answer" from her.
> 
> Evil me wants to bring up in the next discussion about post-divorce rules that a clause is that "Uncle Jeff" is not allowed to be in the presence of the kids without my authorization and see what the reaction would be...


I've heard of that. It's called a morality clause. If you can get that into the custody agreement, that would be great. Sometimes, it's not possible though.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

3 days ago you wrote this:



EADGBe said:


> So my concern is that on exposure, she'll reneg on her intentions and fire with both barrels. It is a terrifying prospect for me as even just paying child support has me living in a tiny two bedroom apartment (where am I going to put four kids?) so to put maintenance on top of that will be devastating. I really don't want to play roulette with the courts since the odds are not in my favor - I want to be heavily involved with my kids.


It makes perfect sense, if you know you're headed for divorce it's pointless to rachet up the conflict especially if you think the courts might not rule in your favor, better to keep the peace, settle as amicably as possible and move on with your life.

But now you say this:



EADGBe said:


> I just need to let her go. But the affair still gets exposed.


Why did you decide to throw caution to the wind and do something you know is going to really piss her off and throw a relatively peaceful divorce settlement out the window?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

donders said:


> Why did you decide to throw caution to the wind and do something you know is going to really piss her off and throw a relatively peaceful divorce settlement out the window?


I'll tell you why. Because she can't win. It may seem petty and immature, but screw that. She wants to grab some d*ck someplace else. It is not going to be free and easy. 

If there was no one outside the marriage, I'd say sure, let us move on. But that isn't the case here.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> I'll tell you why. Because she can't win. It may seem petty and immature, but screw that. She wants to grab some d*ck someplace else. It is not going to be free and easy.
> 
> If there was no one outside the marriage, I'd say sure, let us move on. But that isn't the case here.


You're not being petty or immature, you're being reactive and your actions are based on emotion not reason and common sense.

You piss her off, and you're headed down a long hard road of litigation, expensive legal fees and uncertain decisions by the courts.

Play it cool, take the high road, and save yourself a bunch of aggravation, money, attain your goals and get your life rebooted that much faster.

I've been through a high conflict divorce that spanned many years and saw my children alienated from me. I got one of them back but they were the worst years of my life.

Don't go down that road if you can avoid it. You might cause her some grief but you're doing even more damage to yourself.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I think you should hold off on work exposure, maybe all exposure, and use the threat of exposure as leveraage in the divorce. I said this before but it bears repeating: do not make the threat explicit.
You have a truly evil wife and you are getting a get out of jail free card. Expose post divorce.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

donders said:


> your actions are based on emotion not reason and common sense....I've been through a high conflict divorce that spanned many years and saw my children alienated from me. I got one of them back but they were the worst years of my life.


He needs exposure to counter his pending demonization at the hands of WW. It's all about who controls the narrative: truth or lies.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Seems to be a small world...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

more details?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

keko said:


> more details?


Not yet. 

I will reiterate that I don't want to be doing this. I hope that my STBXW is happy in the decision she has made.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She hasn't made any decisions she has you her 1st life and all that come with the day to day stuff like bils and parenting, and her 2nd life were she has OM for the excitement and taboo fun.

You will soon bring this all down on her and *then* a decision will be made, but it seems that dicicsion will be made for her by YOU.

Stay strong and your efforts will pay off.

Was it your STBXW that had an over night work trip or was that another thread? IS that when it went PA?


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

No his STBXW had an EA w a coworker and then "worked late" a few nights in row, taking it PA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Lots of self doubt today. I am convinced that the underwear test is going to come back negative. All this does is make me look stupid. And I made a huge mistake yesterday. My STBXW was out with our oldest son when she got called to work. There was an accident there. She arranged for a friend of hers to come pick up our son and bring him home. I talked to my wife's friend and told her my suspicions and what proof I had. She swore herself to secrecy but I messed up bad there. Now I feel like some paranoid jerk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EADGBe said:


> Lots of self doubt today. I am convinced that the underwear test is going to come back negative. All this does is make me look stupid. And I made a huge mistake yesterday. My STBXW was out with our oldest son when she got called to work. There was an accident there. She arranged for a friend of hers to come pick up our son and bring him home. I talked to my wife's friend and told her my suspicions and what proof I had. She swore herself to secrecy but I messed up bad there. Now I feel like some paranoid jerk.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why do you see this as a bad thing? Your wife does not know you suspect her?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Suck it up brother and keep your eye on the prize. Come on now, you have some dambing stuff, your just waiting for the smoking gun so stop assuming and wait for the results.

Trust your gut and stay focused, don't lose it now, youve come a long way....you can do it!!!!!!

I'm curious to know if she realy had to work, can you prove?


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I really appreciate everyone's advice and support here. I truly and honestly do. This has been the most surreal journey I ever hope to be on.

However, I am going to take a break from the forums for a couple of days. I need to clear my head. It is tough for me to explain - I don't want to say that this is a toxic place because again, everyone has the best of intentions. There is a lot of experience here and I respect that. That is what I cherish the most from here, those who say that there is a light at the end of the darkness. Things improve and move on.

But right now, I am too messed up emotionally to take anymore of it in. I look back at what I have done, both in my time in my marriage where I wasn't ideal, and my actions since my "Spidey-Sense" when into overdrive. I am not proud of some of the actions I have undertaken. If I am proven wrong in all this, it will be tough to look anyone involved in their eyes again.

I've scrubbed the "evidence" I have several times. Everything can be explained away. The worst I can say is that she has loose boundaries that her next relationship will need to tighten. It could really come down to that I wasn't good enough for her.

What I really need to focus on is how I am going to move forward in my life. I live in a place where I have no family and no close friends. I have to rebuild my life. And it is going to be tough. My STBXW will land on her feet. She always has. She is strong, stubborn and committed. That is what attracted to me to her in the first place. I seem to have outlived my usefulness.

I've reread my message so far and it sounds too whiny. I am not looking for sympathy. Far from it. It is a challenge I tackle, but has uncertain results. I have four great kids. I have fond memories of our time together. I will try and do the best I can.

There was a comment earlier in this thread where the poster said something along the lines of "I don't think you'll ever be happy in this marriage". Those words have really sunk in. I can keep fighting, but she isn't coming back. It is a shame. I'll carry regret about this the rest of my days, but I've learned a lot about myself and how I need to approach relationships. I wished I'd learned this when I was 17, but hey.

Again, I really and honestly respect and care for all of you trying to help me out. And I will be back. At the end of the day, and please no one feel guilty about this, I was too enamored of the success stories on here (DailyGrind for staying together, Shamwow for being obviously right, etc.) that I held out too much false hope. Sometimes, it doesn't work. It could have been stopped a million times before, but it didn't. Life isn't fair, but it always has options.

I have found someone to talk to about this though because of this. Funny how the world works.

Peace out.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Best of luck.

Give an update when you're ready.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Eadgbe,

You do what you need to do and what is best for you and your family.

Stay strong and have faith in yourself brother!!!

HM64


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

***My STBXW will land on her feet. She always has. *She is strong, stubborn and committed. *That is what attracted to me to her in the first place.***

I keep forgetting that this is what men want.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What would your wife do in if she were in your shoes?

If your ready to move on you need to do the 180. Here's the link:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Good luck to you.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> My STBXW will land on her feet. She always has. She is strong, stubborn and committed. That is what attracted to me to her in the first place. I seem to have outlived my usefulness.


From what I've read I'd say she isn't committed at all.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

As promised, I am back.

"Pride before the fall" as the expression goes. I've reached out for help.

Saw my IC on Thursday. Reminded me that it isn't my fault that a) she wants to end the marriage and b) that she is having at least an EA. He saying to me all the same things that you fine folks are - do not listen to what she is saying because she is trying to deflect the blame from her to me. I just need to make sure I do what is right for me. Although he is anti-exposure for the affair texts (I'm ignoring the underwear as I doubt it will yield positive results).

After I spoke with him, went to go see a medical doctor (for the first time in 6 years since I've lived here - probably about time for that anyways). Turns out, she was cheated on by her ex-husband and was very sympathetic to my plight. Starting Monday, I'll be "medicated" to help me get through this. Didn't really want to go down that road, but again, pride before the fall. And better than the "self-medicating" I've been doing recently.

I am waiting until Monday since alcohol and these drugs don't play nice and I've got a few activities this weekend where alcohol will be available. And damnit, I want to participate.

Spoke with a good friend, a new friend, and my sister. Just to get grounded. I've got options financially going forward that I am being convinced to take advantage of. Don't really want to - don't want to give STBXW a victim card to play. But yet again, pride before the fall.

My biggest hurdle moving forward is to see my STBXW as a manipulative person. We were in love and I always held her in such high regard. The fact that she is throwing it away still stings. I need to move past all the bad parts of our time together and how they are not 100% the cause for our divorce. But boundaries have been crossed. Everyone I've told about the text messages agrees - you just don't do that with someone who isn't your spouse. I have no idea about their future. 

So now I wait. For the results of the underwear test, and the proposal for the divorce settlement. Keep my eyes open on the text message front and plan for what to do with them. Rely on the friends I have, take advantage of the opportunities I've got, and try and be the best person I can for my kids. 

...still don't want to be medicated though...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Ea,

I am glad you went to the doctors.

Have a good weekend and do not medicate yourself. It will only cause you trouble.

I am glad you are talking with friends and family.

Move forward with your life and take care of your kids.

Everything else will workout through your attorney.

HM64


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

I've also got to remember that my STBXW isn't the only person with fun "lady bits"... 

Cut me some slack, I am a guy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When are those test results due back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> When are those test results due back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably another week. Hopefully by Friday.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Thanks for the update.

You never did need the underwear test. I'm glad you're reaching out to people IRL and they are supporting you.

Taking antidepressants doesn't make you weak. They are not mood elevators and they don't cloud your judgment. They just lift you out of the very worst of it so you can make better choices.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

EADGBe said:


> But right now, I am too messed up emotionally to take anymore of it in. I look back at what I have done, both in my time in my marriage where I wasn't ideal, and my actions since my "Spidey-Sense" when into overdrive. I am not proud of some of the actions I have undertaken. If I am proven wrong in all this, it will be tough to look anyone involved in their eyes again.
> 
> It could really come down to that I wasn't good enough for her.
> 
> .


I'll tell you how the world works Ead. Some women are going to cheat no matter who they are married to. You may have one of them. I had a couple or three past girl friends that were married at least twice, to professional men, (one was a U.S. Representative) and cheated with me on all their husbands. (and I ain't all that) So if you're going to play the game that "gee, there must be something wrong with me if she cheated", you're nuts. Like some men, some women have to have some variety. Next, when you get my age, you look back and realize they all have the same plumbing and the ones that don't treat you right are easy to replace. Just like there a many men out there that will make two of you or me, there are many women that will overshadow your STB ex. I believe if they want me to be Brad Pitt, they better damn well be Angelina Jolie. Remember guys, if they're giving it up to someone else, cut um loose and let that who's getting the goodies pay the freight.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

Crap crap crap.

She wants to go out to dinner tomorrow night to Anchor Bar with me. I love Anchor Bar...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep in mind, the results may comeback negative. Either way it's risky, emotionally.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> Crap crap crap.
> 
> She wants to go out to dinner tomorrow night to Anchor Bar with me. I love Anchor Bar...


And the problem is??????????


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> And the problem is??????????


I don't want to "date" her. It doesn't help me move on. But it would be so easy to do it. It is how I saw our life moving forward and a "fun" activity that she says we can't have together.

On the other hand, Anchor Bar. I love chicken wings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is it her treat? She's asking, then she pays?

Your going to get emotionally f^cked if you go, you know that don't you.

Ask for a rain check for next Friday...if your picking up what I'm putting down?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell her no thanks... you have other plans, and they don't include her.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

EADGBe said:


> I don't want to "date" her. It doesn't help me move on. But it would be so easy to do it. It is how I saw our life moving forward and a "fun" activity that she says we can't have together.
> 
> On the other hand, Anchor Bar. I love chicken wings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, world famous and the best !!! Your call


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Damn, if it's even a question.... those must really be some kick-a*s wings! :scratchhead:


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

takeaway?


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

bandit.45 said:


> Damn, if it's even a question.... those must really be some kick-a*s wings! :scratchhead:


They are the original !! I'm sure there are better somewhere but this is the home, where it all started.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Thanks for the update.
> 
> You never did need the underwear test. I'm glad you're reaching out to people IRL and they are supporting you.
> 
> Taking antidepressants doesn't make you weak. They are not mood elevators and they don't cloud your judgment. They just lift you out of the very worst of it so you can make better choices.


Venlafaxine. Can't wait.


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Damn, if it's even a question.... those must really be some kick-a*s wings! :scratchhead:


PM me your home address and I'll have some shipped to you. I'm serious. They are that good.

We had a really good day today. Got a lot of stuff done around the house. The kids got to their activities. A family shopping trip. And the two of us having a late dinner in front of the TV. 

And it sucks that it happened. 

My toughest task - not seeing her as someone that she is pretending to be, but who she really is now. And I wish it wasn't the case.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

had a chat with the ra yesterday, it was very interesting and i thought positive


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## EADGBe (Mar 14, 2012)

kenmoore14217 said:


> had a chat with the ra yesterday, it was very interesting and i thought positive


Shoot. Wish you'd told me that yesterday. You may need to do it again tomorrow/today.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

kenmoore14217 said:


> had a chat with the ra yesterday, it was very interesting and i thought positive


What? RA what is that one?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> What? RA what is that one?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I may be wrong, but I think Ken is from / has been in the area of the OP and I suspect knows the OM or else friend-of-a-friend.

They alluded to it vaguely many pages back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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