# How to encourage a shy guy?



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So...I'm currently spending time with a guy who appears not too experienced and shy about asking for what he wants in bed. What should a woman do to help a guy like this out? I think he likes what we're doing and seems generally okay with me asking for what I want. How do I help him do the same?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He'll likely take baby steps, and you may not even notice it. Saying yes enthusiastically when this happens will encourage him to take more risks. Reacting in a judgmental way will shut him down.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Get him to tie you up and have his way with you? Tell him you want to role play being a "submissive"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Or give him homework; to come over with three porn scenes he really likes...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> So...I'm currently spending time with a guy who appears not too experienced and shy about asking for what he wants in bed. What should a woman do to help a guy like this out? I think he likes what we're doing and seems generally okay with me asking for what I want. How do I help him do the same?


How is your non verbal communication in bed? How well can you read his body language, and how well can he read yours?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

All good except thus far he hasn't been inclined to go downtown with his face and I think that's gonna take an adult conversation out of bed. Right?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> How is your non verbal communication in bed? How well can you read his body language, and how well can he read yours?


Not well, but I think that's in part because it's new. I will be curious to see if getting to know each other better outside the bedroom will make him more comfortable in. I'm sure you might have something to say about this Sam.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> All good except thus far he hasn't been inclined to go downtown with his face and I think that's gonna take an adult conversation out of bed. Right?


And you're keeping him around because...

Just kidding! Mostly... Well, a little bit... But yes, talk to him about that outside the bedroom. If he's concerned about being good at it, there's some good books and videos. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> All good except thus far he hasn't been inclined to go downtown with his face and I think that's gonna take an adult conversation out of bed. Right?


Quite possibly. How intuitive is he when it comes to your non verbal queues? Have you tried using your body language to get him down there? I mean you always try the "Eat my pvssy b1tch!" route and see what happens


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Not well, but I think that's in part because it's new. I will be curious to see if getting to know each other better outside the bedroom will make him more comfortable in. I'm sure you might have something to say about this Sam.


How is your verbal sexual communication outside the bedroom? Can you discuss things directly, like adults?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> How is your verbal sexual communication outside the bedroom? Can you discuss things directly, like adults?


Not yet. Super new. But I don't think it will last if we can't 'cause I'm at a point where I just don't have the patience for trying to guess. I suppose I start with asking him directly how comfortable he is talking about that stuff. 

You know my question is somewhat theoretical, as always. There is THIS guy but I wonder about my ability to "direct" a less experienced guy in general and how to do that successfully.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Not yet. Super new. But I don't think it will last if we can't 'cause I'm at a point where I just don't have the patience for trying to guess. I suppose I start with asking him directly how comfortable he is talking about that stuff.
> 
> You know my question is somewhat theoretical, as always. There is THIS guy but *I wonder about my ability to "direct" a less experienced guy in general and how to do that successfully*.


More important than your ability is your desire. 

That was one of the concerns my wife had when we first started talking about sex, and was one of the questions she and her friends pondered at length before we started sleeping together...she knew I was pretty much everything she was looking for out of the bedroom, but had her doubts about in the bedroom, and wasn't sure she had it in her to "break in" a guy with so little "experience", especially since he had been trained by his ex wife for most of his life.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening firebelly1
It depends on the guy. If he is like I used to be, he may be interested in an exciting sex life, but just shy / afraid of rejection. If that is the case you need to make sure that he knows that you won't be offended by anything he asks for - you may turn him down if you don't like that activity, but you won't mock him. 

I guess the key is figuring out if he wants to do lots of things, or if he has a low sex drive - it can be difficult to tell.

You can try semi-joking approaches "If you don't tell me what you want in bed, maybe I'll have to tie you up and tease you mercilessly until you do" That gives him a chance to either laugh it off, or accept......


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Not yet. Super new. But I don't think it will last if we can't 'cause I'm at a point where I just don't have the patience for trying to guess. I suppose I start with asking him directly how comfortable he is talking about that stuff.
> 
> You know my question is somewhat theoretical, as always. There is THIS guy but I wonder about my ability to "direct" a less experienced guy in general and how to do that successfully.


So is the question about how to get him to assert what he wants, or is it how to direct a less experienced guy?

The earlier reference to him not going down on you, and this last sentence seems to indicate you want to know how to get him to do what pleases you... but the original post seems to be asking how to get him to act on what he wants. 

If you want him to do something, imo just say it flat out right there in the moment. "I want you down on me". I think most inexperienced guys would appreciate direction that helps them learn a trick or two without judgment.
Then evaluate whether your overt desire encourages him to open up or if he still needs directions. If he still needs directions, then maybe say you want him to do what he wants with you - that it turns you on.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> So is the question about how to get him to assert what he wants, or is it how to direct a less experienced guy?
> 
> The earlier reference to him not going down on you, and this last sentence seems to indicate you want to know how to get him to do what pleases you... but the original post seems to be asking how to get him to act on what he wants.
> 
> ...


Good point. I think it is both - how to get him to do what I like and to tell me what he likes. I'm probably a little in the same boat as he is (afraid of rejection) with the downtown thing. I've actually never been with a guy that needs to be asked to perform oral so I guess I automatically assume he must be opposed to it. Better not to assume.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Another note, if he's timid about giving oral... then I suggest offering him tips as to what works for you. "Want to know what drives me wild?? Do this and that... yeah... like that... now this... now that... a little left, right there" etc. And lots of verbal feedback when he has it right-ish. After the whole shebang - mention how hot oral got you (exaggeration isn't a crime). You'll build his confidence and enthusiasm to do it... practice makes perfect.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Good point. I think it is both - how to get him to do what I like and to tell me what he likes. I'm probably a little in the same boat as he is (afraid of rejection) with the downtown thing. I've actually never been with a guy that needs to be asked to perform oral so I guess I automatically assume he must be opposed to it. Better not to assume.


In my early sex life, I tended to avoid oral... simply because I had no idea what I was doing and there's a lot going on down there. The clitoris on some women is like "whack-a-mole" - hold still!!! And then you get another shot with a different chick, and she likes something totally different - everything you know is worthless. Then, eventually, you learn enough that if one technique isn't building things up... you have several others to run through. At which point, I was like "hell yeah I'm going downtown!"

There are other guys who don't because they're just being wusses... if you're not used to get up and close with the vajayjay, all those lips and things going on down there can gross a guy out. Its not you, its him... and he just needs to suck it up and acclimate.

Those two have hope. The last type of guy who doesn't go down is just lazy or selfish... dump those. lol

But to get him to do what you want, think dirty (want to use the word "sl*tty" here, but without the negative connotation). Tell him flat out... I want your face between my legs right now. Getting him to assert what he wants is going to take a little more guile.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

buy him some Jodhpurs, leave out the riding crop, and whinny like a pony for him?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Sam Yeager is going to love this, but the more I've texted with this guy the more I realize he may actually have some SKILLS and his shyness is more about not knowing me that well as opposed to lack of sexual enthusiasm or experience.

I think us discussing documentaries and our views on environmentalism got him to relax. Who knew? Men are so interesting.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> Sam Yeager is going to love this, but the more I've texted with this guy the more I realize *he may actually have some SKILLS and his shyness is more about not knowing me that well as opposed to lack of sexual enthusiasm or experience.*
> 
> I think us discussing documentaries and our views on environmentalism got him to relax. Who knew? Men are so interesting.


I can kind of relate...going into a new sexual relationship with a woman...oral is one of those things that is kind of taking a HUGE risk. You do it well, and she's hooked, if it doesn't go so well, she's rethinking a lot of things. That's part of why a lot of guys wait a while...too big a risk. With my wife, I threw caution to the wind and our first sexual interaction was me getting her naked and going down on her. She had the first multiple O's in her life within five minutes. She still thinks about that to this day, and mentions it from time to time, saying that she knew right then that she was never letting me go...Some of us male non-slvts got game...we just need the right place to play


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

To the OP: Be positive and encouraging. Don't just say a negative like "I hate going on top", direct the attention to something else you enjoy instead.

It can be intimidating and you don't want to blow the mood by suggesting something and getting rejected, even when you get to a "what do you want to do now?" moment. You don't want him to be afraid to ask out of fear. I remember one of the first times I was with a certain girl, and she said 'what do you want to do now?'. I took a huge leap of faith and said I wanted her sweet ass. She said, 'okay, just go slow to start'. If she'd 'oh god no' or 'that's gross' that would have been a total buzzkill, but if I hadn't asked, I wouldn't have got...


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yep - I totally get that and I've made a point to tell him that - whatever he asks for, I won't judge or get angry or otherwise make him feel sh*tty for it. But of course he will have to test that out to trust it.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Maybe you can just tell him what you wrote here.





firebelly1 said:


> Yep - I totally get that and I've made a point to tell him that - whatever he asks for, I won't judge or get angry or otherwise make him feel sh*tty for it. But of course he will have to test that out to trust it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Maybe you can just tell him what you wrote here.


I did.  He said he will do his best to speak up and ask for what he wants.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I like PBear's advice.

Also OP, it will happen IN TIME.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

DoF said:


> I like PBear's advice.
> 
> Also OP, it will happen IN TIME.


I think you're right. Just haven't encountered this before.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

So...nope. Not really inherently shy about oral.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I bet if you just straddled him and started sliding up his torso/chest he'd get the picture


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> All good except thus far he hasn't been inclined to go downtown with his face and I think that's gonna take an adult conversation out of bed. Right?


Just grab his head on both sides and steer him in the right direction. If necessary, grab him by the ear lobes and pull. Forcefully if necessary.

It's sort of like using reigns on a horse.



DvlsAdvc8 said:


> There are other guys who don't because they're just being wusses... if you're not used to get up and close with the vajayjay, all those lips and things going on down there can gross a guy out. Its not you, its him... and he just needs to suck it up and acclimate.


Maybe he's afraid he's going to slip, or get lost, and end up in deep sh!t.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> So...nope. Not really inherently shy about oral.


Does this mean he told you he's got nothing against oral, or does this mean he dove in head first?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

PBear said:


> Does this mean he told you he's got nothing against oral, or does this mean he dove in head first?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not exactly a dive, more of a strong tip toe, but got er done.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> Not exactly a dive, more of a strong tip toe, but got er done.


That's a good start... You did remember to let him breathe, right? Breathing through your ears is an advanced skill!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

But the other aspect of this is the lack of talking i.e. shyness about being open and saying what we want. At one point he asked "what do would you like?" to which I honestly said, "I want you to f*ck me," which made him kind of giggle and blush. Would have been cute 10 years ago when I was his age, but now...hm. I'm gonna get kicked outta here aren't I?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

firebelly1 said:


> But the other aspect of this is the lack of talking i.e. shyness about being open and saying what we want. At one point he asked "what do would you like?" to which I honestly said, "I want you to f*ck me," which made him kind of giggle and blush. Would have been cute 10 years ago when I was his age, but now...hm. I'm gonna get kicked outta here aren't I?


Guess that's what happens when you date puppies... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

That's why experience matters. It's cute at first and a turn on. Then reality sets in and the one with less experience gets hurt, usually pretty badly, too.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> That's why experience matters. It's cute at first and a turn on. Then reality sets in and the one with less experience gets hurt, usually pretty badly, too.


I have no doubts that FB can teach a young dog new tricks. If nothing else, his future partners (her or someone else) will appreciate her efforts! 

C


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> I have no doubts that FB can teach a young dog new tricks. If nothing else, his future partners (her or someone else) will appreciate her efforts!
> 
> C


I'm reasonably sure she can.


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