# Don't know why I bother. Why?



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Not sure why I bothered...

This morning my H asked if I was OK. I did a quick mental dig for a good response (truthfull but not heavy, humorous) and replied no, I was "frustrated" with a raised eyebrow smile. We had not had sex since the weekend and I have a higher drive than my H, plus for various reasons I do not initiate any more.

He asked why-I knew he knew why but told him "sex." He told me he could help out later if I wanted, smiling. 

Thinking about it, when we were talking a bit ago, I blurted out if he thought it might be hormonal why his drive has dropped. OK OK I know this was *not* the best approach but I genuinely considered it may be why we have had problems.

His reply told me:

it is normal after being together for years for sex to drop off. He quoted a remark I made not long after we started dating, where I said "the [frequency of] sex will not stay like this you know..." I said this completely light heartedly but he keeps using it against me.

he has talked to male friends and the lack of sex drive in guys is "more common than you think." He told me about a couple of guy friends, one who keeps refusing his W and doesn't know why he doesn't have any drive (yet frequently looks at porn) and one who has a date night once a week.

"of course" he finds other women attractive, what man doesn't. He doesn't think this has any bearing on anything.

The upshot is that I am left hanging again. I am so incredibly frustrated, not least going five days without any sex, but with hardly any physical affection from him, and no indication of any effort on his part to bridge the gap. It is him that has changed yet I am left effectively being told it is me that has the problem, and he is normal and fine.

I realize I am higher drive. I guess it comes down to the premise that not only is it a case of "I am like this so this is how we are going to be", but the fact that philosophy seems to permeate so many aspects of our life together.

I read so much on here about the HD/LD troubles. I do not even advocate that he should up his game to meet *my* drive. Just a happy meeting in the middle. Even if it were him offering a massage in the week, or to help me out, if you like.

And guess what? There is NO POINT in me talking to him about it. I will either get the above talk again, or I will get upset, he will promise the earth and it will happen for a week or two then stop.

There is no point in me refusing him when he asks. Or initiating. Or not initiating. Or doing absolutely nothing. I have tried it all and nothing, none of it has any effect. He could care less that I don't feel that I can initiate any more. We have this broken dynamic where he thinks *I* am the one with issues and he is fine.

I feel like throwing in the towel sometimes, I really do. My future sucks. I feel so unimportant.


----------



## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

i could have wrote that word for word about my wife. oh the misery wish it would change but hasnt in 12 years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

12 YEARS!!! 

That sounds like torture...to be CONTROLLED by another person for 12 years...

Im not sorry to say though that only this year I REALIZED that I had let my wife control our sex life at 4-6 per month for our 23 year relationship.

How did I realize this???

She suddenly went high drive at age 45 for a period of time for really confusing reasons I have written about elsewhere too many times.....and then it all dawned on me....

OMG was I mad....I have never been so angry about anything in my life. Heck yea I feel like I missed out...now Im 46....? best years behind us...(hope not).

I decided that it was going to stay like that....a lot more frequent...or I was OUT. She proved it was possible...I realized what I had been MISSING and I WANT THAT! Oh yea!

The way things went down her high drive didnt last MAYBE partly my fault maybe not...but I made it clear that from now on much more frequent sex...like 3-4X more frequent.. was going to be part of our marriage or I was out. 

Months have gone by and she continues to play along...not with the original enthusiasm she had when the drive came over her...but in a nice way. 

The worst thing Walkingwounded is I know how you feel.

When you are the HD partners its like the other person has you under a spell and wrapped around their finger as they have something you want SO BAD....but they dont want to give it to you.

If feels very unloving and makes you feel very unattractive to them.

I think its a trick of nature.

I dont understand why all people are not more even....other than biology simply does not require it. It only takes a few times to have a baby and thus the species goes on.

It only takes one partner with HD to keep the sex life going at some level and hold the bond between two people..

I still think that there should be some pre-marital tests developed to look for sex drive traits to help people avoid long term marital misery.

Im done though....I love my wife and she professes to love me as the love of her life, in love, yada yada...

But if we dont have an ongoing MUTUAL physical relationship...Im ready to end the marriage as needed barring medical or serious psychiatric issues. (of course if she we legitimately ill and could not have sex I would stay faithful and care for her....that is a lot different that putting no effort into the thing...)


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

WW--Has he ever felt any real consequences for failing to meet you?

Why are you anything other than an equal partner who should be able to express how you feel and expect to be heard?

Is your husband building you up and helping you be all you can be in this life?

When trouble comes do the two of you close ranks and stand strong as a team?

Does your husband take seriously his responsibilities as paternal leader of the family or does he abdicate his responsibilities?

I am curious to understand this type of man.

The whole HD/LD thing has no right answer other than what's good, as a compromise between the two of you. I feel sorry for the LD/LD couple who go along missing a closeness that they prohibit themselves from discovering. 

I know the solutions to attract an LD woman but it seems more elusive the other way. The pain the the same either way.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

And to add....

Sex is ONE of the most important parts of the marriage to me...Sex includes physical contact also to me...although physical contact does not always include sex...so physical contact of many types is one of the most important parts of the marriage to me for those that want that as a separate category..

along with EQUALLY cause ALL are needed...

(1) Fidelity and honesty
(2) Financial security together
(3) caring for our child
(4) Companionship and friendship
(5) Security for the future....as in caring for each other in sickness and age if needed...

I wish I could put exciting sex and lots of variety sex in there...but its not quite as crucial.....but I miss it when its not there...


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Guys

I hate to say it but am sure you will understand when I say I am glad others can relate.

I read my post back. It sounds very impatient. To be clear I am not crazy, I realize five days is not fprever to g without sex. It is more the absence of *any* physical contact initiated by him. 

He said earlier (as he has before) that he just does not think about it. He added that as he knows we will have some time each weekend then he thinks about that.

Cr8ify, I have tried consequences. I stopped initiating, he did not realize for a month till I pointed it out I withdrew in other areas, he just said I was being petty and selfish. I did refuse a couple of times but decided I did not want to pursue that as it could be counter productive and seemed silly.

I told him earlier I was down. I won't go in to it all but said talking was pointless, if he wanted to show he cared he would havefound a way to help. That I was weighing up my future if things continued and I was really unhappy and thinking about leaving.

That got his attention. He listened but was pretty defensive really. We've kinda called atruce so am going to see how things go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

The basic questions....

Low T? ED?
Affair? 
I assume you have kept yourself up to your best ability?


----------



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

fetishwife said:


> The basic questions....
> 
> Low T? ED?
> Affair?
> I assume you have kept yourself up to your best ability?


He is not bothered about getting his T tested as he thinks he is fine.

No ED.

No affair.

Yes I am in good shape, excercise regularly and take care of myself and how I dress
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

With my h it was about pride. He was ashamed to admit that he had LD so he would make up excuses and dodge the issue. But to me it just seemed like he didn't care about me enough. I felt if he truly loved me that he would WANT to take care of my needs. So we were on different wavelengths. He didn't see it as a lack of love and I did.


----------



## pjp (Apr 25, 2012)

i am also in a relationship that is VERY one sided, it is no fun what so ever, i am at the point of ending it as she refuses to do anything about it (we have sex about once a month and thats chore sex on her part) and its been that way for two and a half years, i love her but its driving me insane!


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I read this over and over....one sided relationships....

perhaps we are not meant to be monogamous after all...perhaps "serial monogamy"...haha


----------

