# Please! Need answers fast. Mediation or My own Lawyer?



## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

Hi... I had hired an attorney and filed for D and served my cheating WH. 

Because he is so angry at this and also the fact that I don't want to spend tons of money on lawyers, I agreed to meet with a mediator to see if we can go that way to make things more peaceful.

What are the opinions of mediation vs lawyer. Do you think that mediation will protect me pretty much the same? Under normal circumstances, is mediation the smarter way to go? Does anyone regret doing mediation?

I am in NY if that makes a difference.

Also, second question is that the mediator said it would be foolish to go for the divorce and we should just get a Judgement of Separation, which is the same thing except you legally dont end the marraige. He said this would let me keep my WH's employer health insurance (which is free for him and it is a great plan) and would be better as far as income taxes. Not to mention him saying individual lawyers would end up costing us tens of thousands of $ instead of about $4000 with him.

Opinions.... I really wanted a complete D for moral reasons, but if this guy is telling the truth, the monetary reasons are huge and I have some health issues and really need good health care.

Background: I am a stay at home mom of 4 and havent worked at a job for 20 years. 46 years old.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you probably need to take a step back, slow down and educate yourself better.

most of these questions are very subjective and dependent on a lot of other factors than you list here.

if you are sure you want a divorce then you should probably proceed with a divorce. a Mediator is good if your marriage, finances and dependents are fairly simple and you and your stbxh are more or less on the same page. the more contentious it is the more you're going to want to hire your own lawyer.

if in doubt, get recommendations for a lawyer in your area and make a consultation to get their advice.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> you probably need to take a step back, slow down and educate yourself better.


Agreed. Learn your state statutes and know what you are expected to receive. This way you can formulate a plan to get through the divorce.




Orpheus said:


> if you are sure you want a divorce then you should probably proceed with a divorce. a Mediator is good if your marriage, finances and dependents are fairly simple and you and your stbxh are more or less on the same page. the more contentious it is the more you're going to want to hire your own lawyer.
> 
> if in doubt, get recommendations for a lawyer in your area and make a consultation to get their advice.


Also agree here. Mediators, by the way, are usually former lawyers. A lot of areas require mediation prior to a trial divorce so hopefully you can reach an agreement and not take up the courts time. 

Based on what little you wrote, I suspect this will get ugly. You caught him cheating and busted him, now he is pissed. I don't think he is going to make it easy on you and let you out during mediation. 

Study and get yourself a lawyer. 


One thing that I will mention because I have seen some awful divorces. Remember that you two still need to raise your children and interact for the next several years. Think about what your children are learning from this as you go through the process of divorce. Should it be they have two loving parents or two bitter, hateful ones?


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

If you can stand dealing with him for the next few years than a Judgment of Separation might be the way to go. If you haven't worked in a long time than getting a job with good health benefits might be really hard. My WH also gets free health care benefits for the whole family. The health care coverage at my job is very expensive. That is the main reason I am not in a hurry to push the divorce (I have filed but it is just sitting right now). When you have 4 children, health care benefits is a huge thing to be at stake. Slow down and think everything through. You should not make any major decisions while you are emotional because it could possibly be the wrong thing in the end.


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

That is why I have thought maybe I should try this mediation thing. He was so angry at me for filing and concidered it an act of war. I don't want to have a really bad relationship with my WH yet I want to be protected too. So if the end result is pretty much the same whether go thru with mediation or regular divorce, it might be better to keep it more peaceful.

Also, it would probably be quicker. The mediator claims he can have an agreement done in four sessions. 

I know the separation would be better in health care etc which is important. I just dont like the idea of still being "married" to him yet trying to get on with my life. I would have loved to be totally divorced but i inderstand the consequences of that.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

Mediation is always the better way to go if you can put the conflict and personal issues aside.

Litigated divorces can cost tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. Mediation is faster, less expensive, and you'll probably walk away feeling better about the settlement then if you leave it up to the courts which can be.. shall we say.. "unpredictable".

Staying married to continue to receive health insurance benefits is a thought, but tp the best of my knowledge, new laws allow ex spouses to remain under their former spouses health insurance for quite some time, possibly indefinitely, you need to look into that.

Why haven't you worked in 20 years?


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

I have 4 kids (5 to 18 years old), and as a couple we made the choice together that I would be a stay at home mom. My WH makes good money and can support us all. 

I did not want or expect him to have an affair and because of that the marraige is over unfortunately. 

And that is the reason for not working in almost 20 years. I left work slightly before my first child was born.


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