# Has anyone ever....



## Scarlett (Sep 2, 2009)

Has anyone ever asked their spouse:
1. Tell me what you love about me?
2. What made you fall in love with me?
3. Why did you choose me to marry?
4. When you look at me what kind of person do you see?

And yet they say they can't come up with the words to tell you.
That is what my husband tells me. His excuse is that he was never good at expressing his emotions, but he can express his emotions about materialistic things so easily. I usually answer that he settled and that is why he can not tell me, but he said that is not the reason. 

I had a baby 3 months ago, so I am not sure if it is my emotions going crazy and acting out, but it's getting to me that he can't at least answer one of those questions. I even asked if he could write me a letter explaining how he feels thinking it would be easier, but he said that is even hard for him do. So are my feelings right now getting the best of me or does it mean something else? Any advice to help to get him to open up his emotions would be great.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I did a lot of asking questions BEFORE we got married, not after...

far as your husband saying he can't come up with the words....
he may not know how to express his feelings well. Lots of men have a very hard time expressing thier emotions, does not make therm bad people or bad husbands...

Could be you have some post partum depression or feeling overwelmed with the new baby and need some words of validation, which he can't provide as he may be feeling overwelmed too, in his own way, and maybe not the way you are.

Men sometimes express their love by doing things like mowing the lawn, working overtime, taking their wife to dinner at a place she likes, etc...
Maybe you should look harder to see how he expresses his love for you so you can notice when he is doing it and appriciate it more.


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## variety (Sep 6, 2009)

if you are not feeling 100%, it is not unusual to question yourself.
what you are asking your husband, pose it on yourself.

1.what do you like about yourself?
2.what makes you a lovable person?
3.would you marry yourself?
4.what do you see, when you look at yourself in the mirror?

Everyone has good and bad aspect of themselves. If you yourself can't find any answer that is positive .... than work on loving yourself first.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you wanting some kind of reassurance that he still loves you? If that's the case, how does he treat you? What do his actions say that you're looking for words to describe?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As a man, if my wife had just had a baby and was asking such questions , i would treat it one of two ways:

1. just give her a hug and say something nice to dodge the questions because they are a trap. Any straying off the path she would have as acceptable answers in her mind would set me up for a period of grief.

or

2. Be an idiot and actually answer the questions, falling deeply into the trap. Why? Because she would want me to amplify and discuss each point and then decide the answer don't match what she thought I felt about her previously.

This is why men do not state their feelings. the experience is of "getting it wrong" in an attempt to get it right when it comes to responding to an emotional-laden question soon after a baby is born.


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

Why do you want to know the answers so badly?

Can you just accept his love for you and instead of demanding answers from him all the time, why not just tell him how much he means to you and what you love about him??

If you are doing that already, then just relax... michzz hit the nail on the head for a lot of guys I believe!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Since when is answering a question honestly a trap? Sometimes people don't get the answer that they want but that doesn't mean that they cause you grief because of it. And if they ask for clarification between what they thought and what you said, that furthers understanding. Since when is that a bad thing in marriage?

Sounds like you've been burned, Mich, but I wouldn't let it stop you from being truthful. Failure to do so is a lot more ugly, IMO. And if you're married to someone who would punish you because you didn't give them what they wanted, she has something to work on herself, and that too should be an opportunity for growth and understanding.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

20yrs said:


> Why do you want to know the answers so badly?
> 
> Can you just accept his love for you and instead of demanding answers from him all the time, why not just tell him how much he means to you and what you love about him??
> 
> If you are doing that already, then just relax... michzz hit the nail on the head for a lot of guys I believe!


Where do you get that she's demanding answers from him all the time?

Further, michzz's "avoid" approach isn't healthy. This is how small problems become HUGE problems down the road.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dobo said:


> Since when is answering a question honestly a trap? Sometimes people don't get the answer that they want but that doesn't mean that they cause you grief because of it. And if they ask for clarification between what they thought and what you said, that furthers understanding. Since when is that a bad thing in marriage?
> 
> Sounds like you've been burned, Mich, but I wouldn't let it stop you from being truthful. Failure to do so is a lot more ugly, IMO. And if you're married to someone who would punish you because you didn't give them what they wanted, she has something to work on herself, and that too should be an opportunity for growth and understanding.


I have been burned, you got that right. And the ultimate burning is the price I'd pay if push came to shove.

My experience and that of many men is exactly as i described.

We've done the question amplification trap many, many times.

It goes something like this:

She: "Do you love me?"

Me: Sure I do, no matter what."

She: "What does that mean?

Me: "Nothing, just through thick or thin, I'm there for you."

She: "So what are you telling me, that I'm fat?"

Me: "No, not at all. But if you were fat I wouldn't care!"

She: "Is it these pants that make me look fat? And compared to who? I'll bet so-and-so at the office doesn't look fat does she?"

........


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

How about finding a more mature woman then?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dobo said:


> How about finding a more mature woman then?


So, here's what happens. I dump my wife who cheated on me for a long time then hid it for years. I pay $30k-$40K a year FOR LIFE spousal support (California), be broke on the off-chance a "mature" woman is out there for me while I live a hand to mouth existence?

Anyway, sorry for the thread jack.

Just too seemingly simple a question for a quick answer.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

maybe if you got a hot lamp and shined it on his face or even waterboarded him he would answer. sheesh

i agree with the trap scenario. its like asking "do i look fat in this" or "which dress makes me look better"

there are no right answers


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Honest answers are right answers. There can be no other. 

For life, Michzz?? Have you consulted w/a lawyer?


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## 20yrs (Sep 18, 2009)

dobo said:


> Where do you get that she's demanding answers from him all the time?
> 
> Further, michzz's "avoid" approach isn't healthy. This is how small problems become HUGE problems down the road.


Sorry - didn't mean to come across that way. 

And Michzz's response was a lot like my H acts so I guess I understand what he was saying... 

Scarlett, I am sorry I came across so harsh in my post - after rereading it, it IS harsh... my take on things is usually that if people ask then they want answers, not pity... and then I am too blunt...yikes

Hope everything works out okay for you.... enjoy that baby.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

dobo said:


> Honest answers are right answers. There can be no other.
> 
> For life, Michzz?? Have you consulted w/a lawyer?


Yes and yes.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

I have asked my husband the same things, only because I doubt that he loves me or that he feels for me even remotely what I feel for him. Unfortunately you will probably never be satisfied with the answers if you do get any. My husband always comes up with something and I don't continue to pester him but I am not satisfied because I feel like he's just making up crap to appease me and he isn't actually saying how he feels. 

So my advice would be to just drop it. If he shows you his love for you then don't worry about it. Most women like things in words and actions, men tend to just like actions (I'm not saying this is true in all cases, just in my experience). 

It's the rare lucky woman that has a husband who will write her a love poem or a love letter but sometimes we just gotta be happy with what we got.


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## Scarlett (Sep 2, 2009)

Hey Everyone, 

I know what all of you are saying and I am enjoying my life with my husband and my baby girl. I will tell you all that I don't rag on him and I do tell him I appreciate him all the time, but it kind of all started when he told me that he started smoking again and kept it from me for 8 months. So all these questions & feelings popped up and when he told me it kicked off my postpartum depression. It really hurt me that he couldn't come to me for help or tell me sooner. He expects me to run to him everytime I have problem so he can be the one to fix it, but he can't come to me. I guess it's just a guy thing. The reason why he did tell me was because he found this e-cigarette to help him with his addiction. Even though I don't approve of it I have been looking them up and finding info on it for myself to help me understand why? I also noticed that instead of spending time with his daughter or me he was on the computer all the time and he has been doing better after I told him he needs to realize that the things he does can affect people differently. We have good communication and to be honest we have never faught because we discuss what's going on, but in this case it was just getting to me. Thanks for your responses and I don't take things to heart very much. These are your thoughts and feelings about what I posted. If I didn't want other peoples truths I would have never posted.


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Scarlet my darling

I can tell you many a thing

Like why I chose you to put on my grandmother's ring

You are beautiful

As well as full of youthful

You are to my love that will always be

Somewhat like the way I love my crackers with brie 

Love is blind

You are a diamond in the rough, golly what a find

Let me count the ways

The looks you give me that make my eyes a blaze



Dear Scarlet

This is only meant to cheer you up, I know your question is painful and your emotions are real. I am also lost, no where to turn.


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