# Just two months in... this is awful.



## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

So, here is my story. Well, our story. My husband and I have been married for 8 years on August 7th, together for 9 in September. I am 26, he is 28. No children.

Things haven't always been easy, I mean we have issues like any couple. He is the one who works, I handle the bills. I think this is a sore spot for both of us, only we never really did anything about it. It caused resentment on both of our parts. I was a SAHW, though admittedly not the tidiest person. I would leave dishes in the sink, or not have dinner ready, or leave the floors unswept. Not every day, mind. Just some days when I felt like being lazy. Then he would come home and complain about it being in that state, and do it himself. He is bad at communicating his emotions, to the point where he just shuts down and leaves things unfinished. I am positive that he would benefit from counseling, but due to some difficult childhood traumas, he is unwilling to go. We have cracks in our foundation, but I feel that they are something that can be fixed.

I come from divorced parents, and a fair few of my large family are divorced too. Seeing that most of them are miserable jerks most of the time, I didn't want marriage when I was younger, but I met my husband, and we both just knew we wanted to be together.

Fast forward through the years, laughter, playing together, never losing attraction for one another, arguing, always growing and learning together, and halt this February, shortly after my 19 year old sister found out she was pregnant. We have been trying to have a baby for a while now, and to no avail, so when my sister turned out to be pregnant, we wanted to adopt. It happened so suddenly, I don't think we had time to really think that through. I doubt she would have gone through with it anyway... But she came to live with us, we both felt as a last resort since she had nowhere else to go, and that's when my husband started acting strangely.

One night, after I had just gotten out of the shower, I asked him to please tell me why he had been acting sad for the past week. He looked at me, and said "This is hard to say." My heart felt like it was on a runaway elevator, plummeting down to my stomach. "I don't feel the same," he said. "But I want to fix it. And I don't think we should adopt the baby, because I want to get us back on track." So, it was the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. That hurt to hear. But I held my chin up high.

So, in unfamiliar territory, I started reading up on how we could put the spark back, since he insisted that's what was missing. But I felt that may not be the entire truth, since we still had a very active sex life, still hung out and laughed together, enjoyed eachother's company.. Then he came home from work one day, probably three days later, and mentioned going to stay at his friend's for the weekend.

This friend, I really don't like him much. He is married, but flirts with women openly, right in front of her. He seems disrespectful, and is very irresponsible with finances. His lifestyle is very different from ours, where we are equal, he is above his wife. But I agreed, because I read that he might need some space to sort things out. I feel that was not a good idea... I mean to put the spark back, don't you need to rekindle it actively?

Fast forward to two months later, and here I am, still alone, while he says he wants a divorce. That is so painful to write. He is staying out at his friend's house, I am still handling all of the bills and everything in our home. Really, he has no responsibilities, except to go to work. They feed him, she probably does his laundry, and he is just staying in their spare bedroom. I just don't understand how someone can be happy with a half-life like that. 

Marriage is very important to me, especially since I only wanted to get married once, and I never wanted divorce. It just isn't an option to me, not until we have tried everything. Or at the very least, least *tried*. 

And no, I don't think he is having an affair. I am positive. Did he _want_ to? Did he get scared about the adoption thing? I really have no men to talk to about this though... I don't really speak to my father, and my father-in-law is just as lost to his son's actions as I am.

The first week he was gone, I didn't eat, hardly slept, and didn't want to do a thing but cry my eyes out. I felt like just giving up and running away like he did. But after a solid month, I planted my feet firmly on the ground, and let him know that I am not okay with this decision, and that I want him to stop running from us. I told him that if we really tried to fix things and it didn't work, then we should get a divorce. I just can't fathom giving up on our *entire* life without a chance. I am at least willing to take blame for my part of this happening. He keeps saying "It's nothing you did, I just feel differently." I'm sorry but, that just doesn't seem like a good enough reason to give up on everything!

This isn't healthy, just leaving it like this. I have read about Walk Away Spouse syndrome, and this situation sounds similar, though I am not sure. It has been a week since we talked, something I felt that I needed to do since communicating that I want to work it out wasn't doing anything, but I wonder if it even bothers him. I read somewhere that it is good to "go dark" for a month. I hardly had a week in me. I don't know how I could do three more. 

However, I am willing to be patient, because in the lifetime of an entire marriage, a few months seems like nothing. It's a slow-moving emptiness but I just know if he could let his guard down a little and let me in, that we can be even happier than before. It just doesn't make sense. How can someone just be satisfied with giving up and walking away? I only believe half of what he says... so it's not that I don't believe that he is unhappy, and it's not that I do. But how can I convey to him that giving up is not the best solution to our problems?

Since he left, I have gotten a job working in a bookstore, which is awesome since I love books and writing, so that has been keeping me busy, along with the day-to-day responsibilities of keeping the house in order. I think I am past the irrational fear of losing him, I no longer have that twisting anxiety feeling in my stomach, just the clear-headed vision that things are not past the point of being too far gone with us. Divorce isn't really what we need right now. Marriage counseling would be ideal, but I think he is afraid that the counselor would want to go through the events of his childhood and that is a very tender topic. I would love it if he would even consider independent counseling...

I really don't have someone to talk to about this who has been there or is going through it. Help me grasp some basic understanding of exactly what in the heck is going on with my husband?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

If you investigate, odds are there is a posOW.

Do you have access to phone records, text logs, IM's, email, skype, etc?

Can you place a voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car?

If you review these things, you'll know what you're up against.

FYI - domestic support is an emotional need for a man in the same way that conversation and affection is for women.

Him going to work and you allowing the place to go to crap (just because you felt lazy) is actually a love buster. This is especially true with no kids.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I do, actually, have access to all of that. I have checked through the records and haven't found anything out of place, though next month's bill could be different. And no, I can't place a voice recorder. Though I would really like to know... I mean all the signs point to an OW. How else could he just turn this off?

It wasn't that it was gone to crap, at all. We have a Siberian Husky, and she sheds like a mo, so I would sweep midday, just not at night, things like that. Our house was/is never a pigsty. Dishes in the sink doesn't mean full sink, just glasses or a plate. Though I understand the frustration, and I have since corrected that behavior. Now I feel like I can't sit still for long periods of time before I am itching to just do something.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm curious... Why were you a stay at home wife, when there were no kids? Could he have lost respect for you because of that? Or had resentment building because he was the only one financially contributing? As a guy, I'd have to say I'd be getting pretty resentful if my wife was sitting at home with no kids while I was out busting my hump. I'd think about how much further ahead we'd be if she was working even part-time. 

Just throwing out some ideas, not judging. Promise! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Thank you for the reply, and no worries, I don't take it as judgmental. I felt the same way, but he didn't want me to work. He was raised with the idea that the man should work and provide, and the woman stays home and takes care of everything. I am a writer, so this was no problem for a while. But after I while, I resented it, and he resented me for being at home all the time. If I mentioned me getting a job, even something small, he would say that he was worried we would grow apart if I did.

The last time he said that was just over two months ago, before we separated. I thought the same thing though, about one person handling one thing while another handles the other. That's a very old-school marriage approach, and when I look at my parent's marriage, and the failed marriages of my family members, they all have that in common. 

I really wanted us to work on that, on being an equal partnership. I just don't know how to approach that without offending him. I mean, his mother has said things to him like "you aren't a man if you don't do (fill in the blank)" so you can imagine where that whole old-school marriage complex comes from.


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## jamiedoder (May 14, 2013)

My story/current situation has so many similarities....perhaps we can help each other through this? My husband and I have been married 4 years, together 11. I'm 29, he's 32. No children. Our sore spot has been about when to have a baby. My husband wanted to have a baby 2 or 3 years ago, I wanted to move house first and wait until I was closer to 30. One day my husband came home from a boys trip, we had an argument and he completely shutdown emotional for 3 weeks. I asked him what on earth was the matter and he told me he will always love me but didn't feel like he was in love with me anymore.....he gave a load of petty reasons about why he felt like this...such as I don't do enough around the house. That was 11 weeks ago, a week before we were due to sign for the house we were about to buy. He told me he didn't want to fix it and that he was going to his parents for some time and space - he hasn't been back. He now says its not a trial separation and that he wants a fresh start with someone new. Just like you he wont go to counseling and wont work on fixing anything with me. He is just done....I have tried everything to get him to work on things but he wont. I feel cheated out of 11 years. I have also been reading runaway husbands which deals with wife abandonment syndrome! Unfortunately I no longer have access to phone records/emails etc...he changed the passwords before some on here suggested I check them...i also didn't even consider an affair at the start. However, things have started to come out of the woodwork...although I have no evidence of an actual affair. I am always in two minds...i do wonder if my husband has built up so much resentment against me because I didn't have a baby when he first suggested it. I am also no trying 'no contact', I am on day 11 and its killing me. I don't know what else to do....so hear I am 11 weeks down the line, still shocked, dumbfounded and looking for answers. I am literally pining for my husband!


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Just want to say that I feel your pain. My same sex partner of 10 years announced she is moving across the country without me. We have been having problems for the past three years, crisis point was reached in April. I was hoping we would work through it, but she is determined to go. She has planned her escape and is executing her plans seemingly without a thought for me. It is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Like you, I only planned to marry once. Although we are not married legally, to me we are married and we were always treated as such. This year she turned 40 and that, along with a host of other things both within and without of the r/s, created a witch's brew that we were unable to overcome. We are still under the same roof for the time being, and like your H, my ex does not communicate well at all. In many ways I feel that if we could have communicated more effectively when issues arose that we would either have broken up much earlier, or alternatively, be a very healthy couple. It is awful, absolutely, no question about it. Please keep posting, you are among friends who care and know what you are going through.


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## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> Thank you for the reply, and no worries, I don't take it as judgmental. I felt the same way, but he didn't want me to work. He was raised with the idea that the man should work and provide, and the woman stays home and takes care of everything. I am a writer, so this was no problem for a while. But after I while, I resented it, and he resented me for being at home all the time. If I mentioned me getting a job, even something small, he would say that he was worried we would grow apart if I did.
> 
> The last time he said that was just over two months ago, before we separated. I thought the same thing though, about one person handling one thing while another handles the other. That's a very old-school marriage approach, and when I look at my parent's marriage, and the failed marriages of my family members, they all have that in common.
> 
> I really wanted us to work on that, on being an equal partnership. I just don't know how to approach that without offending him. I mean, his mother has said things to him like "you aren't a man if you don't do (fill in the blank)" so you can imagine where that whole old-school marriage complex comes from.


It is interesting that you say this. I supported my partner for four years. As a matter of fact, I am supporting her now. She lost her job in 2009 and never made a serious effort to find another position. I could never figure out why. I now realize that she really wanted to return to a job she had in 2004 when we lived together out of state. We returned home because I was miserable and could not find work, and she agreed because she did not want to lose me. Sounds great, but unfortunately she has resented me ever since. I could sense the resentment, but I was afraid to discuss it because I did not want to lose HER! So instead I became her protector and provider, which allowed her to totally check out of the relationship and avoid participating in it. When the day came this year that I told her I needed her to go to work and participate more fully ie; as an equal partner, her response was to get a job 1700 miles away and explore her feelings of attraction to men. The point being, she never really wanted to have a life with me in our home city. She always wanted to be where she is now going by herself. By supporting her, I bought four more years of a relationship that was very fulfilling in many ways. Unfortunately it was built on a foundation of deception and resentment, and that type of foundation cannot support a loving and healthy relationship of equals.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

jamie-I am so sorry that you are going through that! It is extremely frustrating to no end to be going through this. It just feels like it's being left unfinished. I have conveyed to my husband that I really don't want to give up without a fight, and he insists that it's nothing I did wrong. I know that isn't true... how can it be? Honestly, how does someone go from being worried about growing apart, to suddenly just wanting it to be over? I feel like nine years of my life have been ripped right from me, like they meant nothing to him! It's actually sad, because I don't see how someone can be satisfied with a half life! I would keep on with your no contact, and try to find things to keep you busy. I have been keeping myself busy, hanging out with my family and friends. Work has been a big help! It just feels like there is a big part of me missing. I want to fight to get it back. Just to show him that divorce isn't the only option. I get so jealous of the couples who come back from the brink of divorce. 

Nix- Sugar, after ten years together, you are most definitely married c; 
Oh man, I really can't stand the non-communication anymore. I see how damaging it is, and I'm just not that kind of person anyway. I convey everything. We would even get into arguments about me getting a job, but I wouldn't really stick to my guns about it. I just wanted something to do. My mom was a SAHM, and my dad resented her for it, and she resented my dad. I have nothing against SAHM or SAHW or even SAHD/SAHH. I think it has something to do with my parents though, and my divorced family members. They all have that in common, very traditional marriages.
:c Wow, so instead of sticking it out with you, the woman who supported her for all of those years, she chose to take off and explore other venues? Geez. That pain... it's so empty and full at the same time. It's that twisting knot in your stomach, and try as you might, you find it hard to keep things calm on the surface. I think I am pretty resilient and strong, and my husband knows that. I think maybe he overestimates just how much. I'm still just a woman who loves her man.

I wouldn't say that it's difficult to keep a straight face, even a smile. I am happy in that I want to make changes to myself and I am realizing all of these things now, but it makes me feel like next to nothing that our marriage is not worth saving to him. People know what is going on with me, at least a few do. I try not to talk about it, because it just makes me break like a twig. But I feel better about myself since I am contributing to our finances, I mean we are still married. I feel better now that I have new friends who I get along with very well! I really have a hard time leaving things unfinished, or just letting things go. If I have a problem with someone, I try my hardest to fix it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I have to agree with PBear, he obviously had/has some resentment at your "working at home spouse" duties were not being met. The resentment built to a point that he felt he was doing all the work, and you were not pulling your weight. 

On top of it you moved your pregnant 19 year old sister in, he must have been thinking "Great, now I have 2 ppl at home doing nothing, that I get to pay for". Why should he feel like working all day AND coming home and doing the housework too. But now for 2 people.

You say he doesn't communicate, but you admit he'd get frustrated that he had to come home and clean up. You missed that sign of his frustration? Now your taking care of the house, and have a job, but he's not there to see the changes. but you weren't there to see his initial input and your lack there of. So you feel under appreciated that this is fixable, but you couldn't see the lack of your appreciation for what he'd been doing. Its a double edged sword that viscously repeats itself.

A lot of what im reading is that you want him to put in more work with counseling, but in reality, your just putting more blame on him. How could he just walk away, how could he give up. I think your going about this the wrong way, your still not giving him any appreciation. Its all about what your losing still. 

Going dark isn't what you need, you need to show that your willing to make things better in your relationship. You know why he's still staying at his friends house, cause he feels like someone is helping take care of him right now. someone is cooking him dinner and cleaning the house. And he probably gets a thank you for contributing. I think that's all he was looking for in the first place.

It doesn't make you wrong or him right, or vice versa. Its just that your lack of communication, or his needing to be rewarded on an emotional level wasn't being met. It sounds like your husbands love language is gestures of appreciation, and that was being met.
You both need to find how to talk to each other better obviously, but it starts with the fulfillment of the heart. Where the heart goes, the mind will follow.

I'm not trying be critical of you, im sorry if it coms off that way. Heck, he's just as at fault in this as you are. I'm just trying to point out what I see with the information you post.

And despite what others think, it doesn't have to be because of another woman. Some people just get fed up with the frustration.


As for the baby, he might have been also thinking it was even more work for him to do, and he would have been doing a lot of it alone. So why have to work harder. I dunno.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Thumper- I am thinking I should have included this in the first post, maybe I did. I do take my share of the blame, trust me. It is easy to get lost in the norm of things though, and most times people don't realize that there is a real problem until something like this happens. I am completely aware of this, trust me. It eats at me daily.

As for going dark, I realized that myself yesterday and have since began talking to him again about my counseling and I am going to have a talk with him about coming home. I realize I can't force him, but I would really like the chance to show him I can change, that both of us can. 

As for the sister, that was actually an idea he came up with, if she chose to let us adopt. Looking back now, I am thinking she may have only come here to have a place to go, which eventually led to both of us thinking that she was not going to go through with the adoption. 

Believe me, I know exactly everything that you are saying is true. I have gone over it in my head plenty of times. I don't place anymore blame on him than was his fair share, but walking away is just crazy to me. That's all. I feel that we both need work, but I don't think that him leaving is the best avenue to settle this issue.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry I wasn't trying to point fingers, but maybe just give you his perspective on why things got where that are. Your obviously a bright woman that "gets" it.

The going dark situation is usually used in an affair type situation, I don't always jump to that conclusion myself, although many do, and its usually close to the truth, but not always.

The issue I have with the going dark is that is further limits communication, and if that's the problem in the first place, how can that really help. At the same time its important to not push the issues, its a very very fine line. I understand people think that if its not getting addressed right NOW its not getting solved, nothing is further from the truth. In fact, the "NOW" usually just makes it worse. Patience and listening are your ally's right now. If your listening to what he's truly saying, then he's giving you the issues you need to address. I promise you he's thinking about it too. But you cant fix him, he's gonna have to come up with his own answers in his own time. Don't get frustrated when its not happening fast enough, stay positive, be supportive, and let him know your as frustrated as him as to how you both got to where you are. Make him aware that some changes are needed, and your working on yourself. Do not tell him he needs to work on his. He'll get to that conclusion on his own, especially if he sees you putting in the work.

Good luck, and since you like to write, journal for yourself everyday, it helps you vent, and prevents it from building up.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I got that speech and I have been seperated for 11 months now. I thought the same when my wife walked away. I couldn't understand how she didn't want to even try. She says that she did try and I didn't get the hints. I didn't. I ignored them in hopes that they would just go away. (Great way to deal with things...) Anyhow, she told me to move on, told me to date, so I did.

She's tried to come back twice now.

I won't take her back and here's what I think about your husband. He's seeing if the grass is greener on the other side right now. It will take more then a few months because he's riding the high of "i'm single again!". That high ends, it crashes to an end really and he'll hit the ground hard. 

He doesn't know what he's losing at this point, nor does he even care to think about it. He feels unappreciated and he's probably found someone who is telling him everything he wants to hear. (I'm just guessing at this of course).

I would do the no contact. People do not realize what they've lost until they really lose it. That's when they typically want it back. So if you want him back, (sounds like you do), give him time, space and do NOT contact him. If he contacts you give one word answers. Don't talk about your relationship, don't scold him, don't be emotional. Be the robot that he is being to you.

It works.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

No, hey don't worry about it. I wasn't taking offense. And I appreciate some perspective on it. My husband hasn't told me anything outside of "I just don't think we are right for each other" or "I love you but I'm not in love with you". He has a tendency to run away from things when the going gets tough though. But seeing things from his side is something I have been doing lately, a lot of. In the beginning it was all about what I had done wrong, etc etc. But now I am trying to look at it from an outsider point of view, like I was watching our marriage through a telescope from another house. Though as to his new cold behavior, I really have no clue what to think. He doesn't even want to talk to me about us. It's really disheartening, especially when all I hear is how he wants a divorce. That is so hard to write out.

I can definitely see now how going dark may do more harm than good. I just don't know how to bridge this gap and get him to open up.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Isuck- That seems like it would be really difficult to do. I doubt he would even contact me if I were to not contact him... I guess that's the place I'm in right now though. Feeling less than nothing. He talks about us like it's nothing to him. And that is extremely painful.

Yeah that's how we both used to deal with things. Well, once we would talk about them and he would shut down, I just ignored them because he wouldn't talk to me about it anymore or if we did he would get angry. Just stuff it all down...


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Yes it's difficult. I've been at your exact point. I've had all those thoughts go through head. I even went to the emergency department because I thought I was having a heart attack the second night after she gave me the speech! I hit rock bottom. I know what it's like.

It is extremely painful. But if you want to make the pain period shorter, you should probably consider the no contact approach. It does work. I'm living proof. I don't know if it works in every situation but it does make sense and it certainly had my stbx wanting to come back twice now. She was as "walk away" as you get too!



Keep your chin up and get involved in more then just your new job. Go play a sport or join a team or start a coffee club or do something around others. Go workout, go for runs, go golfing, keep yourself busy. 

Really the thing that's going to help is time. It's not easy and you're going to feel like crap a lot of days. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Things always happen for a reason and you think there's nobody else out there who you are destined to be with, but there is. He is out there right now and one day you will meet him. You might have already. 

When one door closes so many others open.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I just really don't understand how someone can really justify to themselves leaving things like that! I mean yes, things have been bad between us in the past. But it wasn't always bad. I don't know what is going on in his mind though, he doesn't want to talk to me about it. So all I am left to do is wonder and try to guess what he is going through. It's exhausting.

I wish he would have tried getting help at a site like this, or exactly this site. So many people here say the same thing I have been saying, divorce should be a last-resort type of thing. I don't know what his friends are telling him!


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

You'll go nuts trying to figure him out right now. The truth is he doesn't even know what he wants at this point. I know it feels like your world is over but it's far from it. There are so many good things that are going to come of this. You can't see it yet, but you will one day.

Don't let other people control your happiness. You take control of it and be selfish right now. Do all the stuff you always wanted to but didn't because maybe he didn't want to. Go have fun, go cry, go do what you need but do not contact him. He doesn't want to talk right now. He will one day. But careful when he does.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

It really does seem like all is lost... but I feel like I have been letting myself feel this enough, so I am really preparing myself for the worst. Even if we try to make it work, but it doesn't, at least we can say that we tried. 

I am planning to join a gym in July, they have a pretty good deal going on right now where they waive that insane $99 join fee for the gold package. Good thing is, it comes with unlimited classes and I can bring a guest with me every day, so that's cool. For the moment, I am involving myself with work, friends and my furry children, and just making small changes to myself. It would help me tremendously if I had a male figure in my life to look to for direction on how to show a man more appreciation like a man needs, because all I have to go on is love and affection. But as Conrad stated, those needs are different for a man and woman. I honestly had never considered that before he said that. 

I don't really have many healthy relationships to base mine off of, or even look to for guidance. So I feel like I am in completely unknown territory, but I'm not totally lost in this. 


Update: I talked to him. Well we talked. I got him to open up a little. That has made me feel a little better, and it's a small step, who knows in which direction. I conveyed to him that I realize now that my ways of showing appreciation were not the ways that he needed, and I realize that he was telling me all along but I didn't listen. I can't take back the past, but I can improve the future. 

I have said all I could say at this point. I don't know what else I could do... except give him the reins and let him think on things for a bit. It's hard, I will admit, to not have any control in this situation at all. I mean of course I do, of myself and my happiness. And I own up to that. I don't want to be miserable, so I'm not. I choose whether or not to wallow in self-pity, and I do not want to go back down that road. It was dark and lonely and I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. But at the end of the day, he has to be the one to decide to come home. No one can force him. And since that is what I want, I have to wait.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Patience grasshopper patience.

You wrote a very well written articulate post. Now get your emotions in check and get on the roller coaster. Its gonna be a little while, and that's ok.

Remember it took a while to get you into this position, so don't expect for it to all be fixed in a few weeks. Your in it for the long haul, but it starts with you.

I know its a roller coaster ride of emotions, but you need to act like your standing in the hot dog line instead. You can do it.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Haha I have always had trouble with patience. In theory it makes sense, but execution is always a different problem entirely. I wonder how people can train themselves to learn patience more... 

lol I like that, "I know its a roller coaster ride of emotions, but you need to act like your standing in the hot dog line instead". 

I am definitely in this for the long haul, I want things to work out. Making changes to myself has actually been easier than I thought it would be, making them stick, well only time will tell. I wouldn't expect a recovery within a few weeks, heck, even within a few months would be suspicious. No, I know it will take a while. But I'm willing to put in the time. I guess no matter how this plays out, I want to fix things that are wrong with me, reclaim myself if you will. It's crazy how people really lose themselves within a marriage. You know what you want going in... but after a while you just kind of forget all of it!

I definitely appreciate your words of encouragement, but also your objective points of view. Everyone I talk to about us seems to have nothing but positive points of view, but like I said, none of them are men. So it's difficult to get a different side of things.


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## noas55 (Jun 25, 2013)

I personally am going through similar situation with wife of 24 years. Out of blue. I love you but not in love. Never cheated, total devotion, no clubbing, probably boring too most women because I work and take care of family.
This site has helped me a lot. I am 2 weeks into separation , but still living at home which is so stressful I can hardly stand it. Causing me to drink nights she works. I will move on 7/22. Keep head up and remember we may have faults, but they are the ones who chose to quit the marriages. Good luck and prayers will be coming your way.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Crap, it's been longer than I thought. I swear it feels like I have been sucked into a black hole... Here it is July, less than a month from our anniversary!

I was let go from my job, that sucks and it doesn't. I wasn't really happy with the place, so I have been applying my bum off. Thinking of bartending school. Might be fun to bartend for a while before I pursue a teaching career.

Been talking to my husband a little. Still getting small admissions here and there. He said he is tired of the fighting, and I agree. Except it wasn't really fighting as much as it was: we would argue, storm off, and say our sorries but never sort out the issue. I think we could benefit from learnin how to solve our problems. But he's still uninterested. Makes a person feel like a speck!

So I have been slowly making plans. I had an opportunity to move from Texas to Washington but I planted my feet firmly on the ground. Instead, planning to get a place with my sister(s) and see how that goes. More than anything I want him to see that we can do this. But I can't force him. He said he doesn't feel like he's giving up. What is that? Historically speaking, he gives up on everything that seems too difficult. I just can't believe we are one of those things!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

As long as your focus remains on him, you won't heal.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I know. It's one of those things that I know but can't seem to really act on. It just feels like one long nightmare. I was having great days until about a week ago. Nothing in particular happened. Since then it's just been kind of eh. I miss the part of me that doesn't take anyone's crap. He's the only one who has gotten away with this kind of treatment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Battleworn said:


> I know. It's one of those things that I know but can't seem to really act on. It just feels like one long nightmare. I was having great days until about a week ago. Nothing in particular happened. Since then it's just been kind of eh. I miss the part of me that doesn't take anyone's crap. He's the only one who has gotten away with this kind of treatment!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because with him you felt like you had too much to lose.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Ugh. That's the truth. He's the only person I have ever truly let in. 
I'm wondering if I should have just gone to Washington.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I sent him a super long text today. That seems to be the only means of communication. It was basically me telling him that I won't fight so hard for him anymore. I feel like I shouldn't have to. I don't want him to fight hard for me, just alongside me. 

I feel like I have been wasting all of these months obsessing over every fight that holds significant meaning, when that isn't the problem. It's not just me. It was both of us. If I'm the only one willing to admit that there were problems that need real solving, and to fight, I'm just... wasting more time. 

This sucks azz.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I didn't even say that, I just stopped fighting. It will actually make you feel better when you see that your words mean nothing to them right now and that, if you want any change in yourself or them, the best thing you can do is go away.

The longer you are away the more of their headgames you will identify. The more you identify the further out of the fog you will feel. The further out of the fog you are, the closer you will get back to who you really are.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> Thank you for the reply, and no worries, I don't take it as judgmental. I felt the same way, but he didn't want me to work. He was raised with the idea that the man should work and provide, and the woman stays home and takes care of everything. I am a writer, so this was no problem for a while. But after I while, I resented it, and he resented me for being at home all the time. If I mentioned me getting a job, even something small, he would say that he was worried we would grow apart if I did.
> 
> The last time he said that was just over two months ago, before we separated. I thought the same thing though, about one person handling one thing while another handles the other. That's a very old-school marriage approach, and when I look at my parent's marriage, and the failed marriages of my family members, they all have that in common.
> 
> I really wanted us to work on that, on being an equal partnership. I just don't know how to approach that without offending him. I mean, his mother has said things to him like "you aren't a man if you don't do (fill in the blank)" so you can imagine where that whole old-school marriage complex comes from.


Corrected your behavior?? It's not you that needs to correct anything. It is you husband. He has withdrawn emotionally and abandoned you.

Work on yourself and being happy and fulfilled.

Divorce is not the end of the world. But if it comes to that, remind yourself that you weren't the one who left. You stayed " for better and for worse". He did not.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Why do people change passwords if they are not hiding anything!? Watch out and don't let yourselves be fooled.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Something- I'm actually noticing a lot about him. I mean, he's always done this, I guess it just never hit me until now. He takes almost everyone for granted. If he has someone he knows will be there for him, he takes them for granted. So what, after we have been together for 9 years it's safe to assume that I wouldn't ever leave him? And he can just take me for granted? Man's a dang fool if he thought I would take this lying down!

Memento- honestly, it was just some growing up I needed to do. In an attempt to be nothing like my mother, I stubbornly refused to fall into a role of a house wife. It's not that I didn't WANT to clean my house, I really didn't like being told that it looked or smelled good, because in the back of my mind I would feel like that was what I was good at. It's weird. I just needed to make those changes and grow up, but you're right. I am the one who chose to fight. For better or worse, and this is finally one of those "worse" times. He chooses to flee! I know that divorce isn't the end of the world... It's just the sad, unnecessary death of this marriage. 
And what do you mean by changing passwords?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> Something- I'm actually noticing a lot about him. I mean, he's always done this, I guess it just never hit me until now. He takes almost everyone for granted. If he has someone he knows will be there for him, he takes them for granted. So what, after we have been together for 9 years it's safe to assume that I wouldn't ever leave him? And he can just take me for granted? Man's a dang fool if he thought I would take this lying down!
> 
> Memento- honestly, it was just some growing up I needed to do. In an attempt to be nothing like my mother, I stubbornly refused to fall into a role of a house wife. It's not that I didn't WANT to clean my house, I really didn't like being told that it looked or smelled good, because in the back of my mind I would feel like that was what I was good at. It's weird. I just needed to make those changes and grow up, but you're right. I am the one who chose to fight. For better or worse, and this is finally one of those "worse" times. He chooses to flee! I know that divorce isn't the end of the world... It's just the sad, unnecessary death of this marriage.
> And what do you mean by changing passwords?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im not saying that divorce should be taken lightheartedly either. It sounds like you are bargaining with him. Grieve your relation and move on. If he wants you back, then let him prove that he has changed. Not the other way around. 

It sounds to me that you already made some major steps by gaining your financial independence and having a job that you enjoy.

Actually, the last part was to another commentator that said that her husband had changed the passwords to his stuff. I apologize for not being more specific.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I'm not a person who takes marriage lightly so I definitely don't take divorce lightly. I think though, at this point of trying to reach him and getting nothing in response but half-azzed answers and small admissions here and there, I would welcome a fresh start. I really wouldn't know if I'm bargaining, I mean it makes sense though. 
Hah, yes if things were to work out I would have to see some changes but now, I am not holding my breath. 

Ohh okay. No worries. Yeah if someone is changing passwords they are definitely trying to cover things up. If not, he would have no reason to change it and not tell her the new pass! There shouldn't be such a thing as privacy or secrecy in marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> I'm not a person who takes marriage lightly so I definitely don't take divorce lightly. I think though, at this point of trying to reach him and getting nothing in response but half-azzed answers and small admissions here and there, I would welcome a fresh start. I really wouldn't know if I'm bargaining, I mean it makes sense though.
> Hah, yes if things were to work out I would have to see some changes but now, I am not holding my breath.
> 
> Ohh okay. No worries. Yeah if someone is changing passwords they are definitely trying to cover things up. If not, he would have no reason to change it and not tell her the new pass! There shouldn't be such a thing as privacy or secrecy in marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Perhaps this might help you:
The Healing Heart: The 180


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

That list actually looks appealing haha. And it's in list form, which I love. Thanks for that! Time to reclaim myself. Shoot. Future me will probably be prepared to beat the stuffin out of present me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I feel like an idiot. What if it's an affair and I just don't want to see it? Is that how it works? One day everything seems fine and then bam! I love you but? How could I even find this out? He is gone. The phone records aren't very helpful. I don't want to seem like a stalker, calling all of the numbers on the list. And I wouldn't expect him to admit it. I despise cheating and he knows it. 

I mean: ILYBINILWY, you did nothing wrong I just don't think we are right for each other, the spark is gone, I don't like the fighting, I just don't want to be married, I want to be friends, take anything from the house that you want... 

I would never think that he would cheat but something clicked when I posted on a different board earlier, about the spouse or significant other who gives such grief to their partner over cheating or trust issues is usually the type to cheat or who would cheat. Am I just stubbornly refusing to see this? When I think about our problems or the reason he wants this, they just don't seem like enough. And he's so... casual and cold about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> I feel like an idiot. What if it's an affair and I just don't want to see it? Is that how it works? One day everything seems fine and then bam! I love you but? How could I even find this out? He is gone. The phone records aren't very helpful. I don't want to seem like a stalker, calling all of the numbers on the list. And I wouldn't expect him to admit it. I despise cheating and he knows it.
> 
> I mean: ILYBINILWY, you did nothing wrong I just don't think we are right for each other, the spark is gone, I don't like the fighting, I just don't want to be married, I want to be friends, take anything from the house that you want...
> 
> ...


As horrible as it is, I think you need to be open to that possibility. I am not saying he is cheating. But that might be the case. 

You are going to have some ups and downs. That is part of the ride. But, the time will come when things will get better.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

That is a crushing thought. I know I can't say anything to him to bring him around. I already told myself I wouldn't anymore. If he wants to work things out, he has to see it on his own. But I really just want to know why! I guess that's the thing most people want to know though. I just want to tell him that I miss him but I know he doesn't deserve it.

Dang. I was feeling so good yesterday. Got asked out for coffees by this pretty cute guy. First he told me I was intimidating but that he liked that. I told him I couldn't go have coffee but I appreciated the offer. This roller coaster suuuucks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> That is a crushing thought. I know I can't say anything to him to bring him around. I already told myself I wouldn't anymore. If he wants to work things out, he has to see it on his own. But I really just want to know why! I guess that's the thing most people want to know though. I just want to tell him that I miss him but I know he doesn't deserve it.
> 
> Dang. I was feeling so good yesterday. Got asked out for coffees by this pretty cute guy. First he told me I was intimidating but that he liked that. I told him I couldn't go have coffee but I appreciated the offer. This roller coaster suuuucks!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Try to concentrate on the positive aspects of your daily life. One step at the time. A guy asked you out  That is pretty good for ones self esteem! 
Do things for you. What makes you happy! Go out with your friends. Buy that expensive treat that you want. You deserve it! Invest in yourself and your self esteem.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

You're so right! I went earlier and got myself a new water bottle for my morning runs, that was cool. Met up with some friends that I worked with, talked for a few. I feel a little better!

I got him to tell me something earlier, as to why he felt that he didn't want to work it out. He said he just knew it would go back to how it was. I don't know how many ways to tell him that I would never want it to go back! How could it at this point? If he doesn't and I don't, then we are in the same page there. I just told him that he should trust me, and all I can do is tell him that I wouldn't want that back. Ever. I know what I want. Outside of that I will not say anything else, because I don't feel like I need to. If he isn't willing to see what I'm trying to say, then I can't do anything about it!

I guess /that/ is bargaining?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Battleworn said:


> You're so right! I went earlier and got myself a new water bottle for my morning runs, that was cool. Met up with some friends that I worked with, talked for a few. I feel a little better!
> 
> I got him to tell me something earlier, as to why he felt that he didn't want to work it out. He said he just knew it would go back to how it was. I don't know how many ways to tell him that I would never want it to go back! How could it at this point? If he doesn't and I don't, then we are in the same page there. I just told him that he should trust me, and all I can do is tell him that I wouldn't want that back. Ever. I know what I want. Outside of that I will not say anything else, because I don't feel like I need to. If he isn't willing to see what I'm trying to say, then I can't do anything about it!
> 
> ...


Why do you put yourself in a position that you know you are going to get hurt? You did YOUR BEST! You weren't the one who left and is unwilling to try again. He did. 

Work on yourself! In getting back on your two feet. Forget that heartless SOB.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I seriously have no idea. The conversation started when his mom called me and told me that she had tried to get him to come over (I was like "WHYYYYYYYYYY would you do that?!) and he hung up on her. She called me crying. Something about that enraged me, because while his mom might be a little craaaazy, at the end of the day, she is worried about him and she cares about him. So I called him and laid into him about how he treats her, and how he takes her for granted... really kind of went off on a tear. He called her and apologized... we got to talking and I just wanted to know his reason for not wanting to come home. He finally admitted that it was because he was afraid we would fall back to the old ways. Legitimate fear, but enough to end a marriage? No. First I was hurt by the news... but you are absolutely right. I did try my best. I chose not to give up and run away just because things seemed bleak. To me, if you can come back from the dark times, you really can have it all. But always give in? And you are always going to be giving in. 

I love tough love. Love it. I can thank TAM for that... even if it's from another board! I really don't get enough of it, and I think that is hindering my progress. I am getting to the point where I hate hearing "just hang in there" or "things will work out". I want them to, but I am tired of living and breathing the battle for his heart. I didn't do anything wrong and I know it. But I somehow land my self in the victim chair with a pity party going on all around me. I'm tired of standing up from the victim chair just to fall back into it. Just when I feel angry enough, someone comes along with "hey, are y'all talking again?" 

I guess the hard fact is that we are different personalities. Where I really value that about our relationship, it seems like he hates my fighting spirit and optimistic view because it impedes on his decision making. He used to love that about me though, so he said. Is he rewriting our relationship in his mind? In trying to show him that we still have a chance to reclaim things, he takes it as me trying to control the situation. That's just been our dynamic... I make so many decisions for us because he doesn't really care about many of the small ones. So me telling him "Babe, we got this!" and the like, and he resents it. Suddenly I am the one who was always in control because I always had to pick where we ate or what we watched?! He overlooks the fact that most of the major decisions are made by us together, or just by him. I am somehow controlling things because we go to see my family for Christmas and Thanksgiving despite the fact that he doesn't want to? Nevermind that I have gracefully accepted spending EVERY Christmas morning with his family for the past 8 years. No qualms. But driving 50 minutes to see my crazy family is somehow too much and it makes him resentful?!

Ah. Anger. There it is...


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Hi again BW, 

Just wanted to say your only about 6-7 weeks into your sitch, its so early in the ballgame, and your doing so much projecting onto your spouse that your causing more damage then fixing.

Isuck had given you some very valuable advice. You need to detach from the situation. I know its not easy, but it must be done. The 180 isn't an exact set of rules, but guidelines when in doubt. The 180 in normally about doing the OPPOSITE of what you would have done in the past. That being said, the one thing you have got to work on first is patience, the second is separation. You have to STOP talking about the marriage past/present/future in ANY way. NOW.

Right now, theres nothing you can do or say that will help, in fact your pushing him further away, and even helping him justify things in his mind as to why he's making the right decision. You need so slow things way down in your mind. Take control of yourself. I know how hard that can be, it gets easier but the first 10-12 weeks can really hurt, and you often question yourself.

Gal, get a life, is really key, find/make new hobbies, start or renew friendships, the gym thing is great, go for walks or biking (physical fitness is great as it helps burn off frustration), visit a library, don't just run from it either thou, you will need to allow yourself to grieve too. Its fine and healthy to let it go naturally, not just run away and not deal with it, or you will be dealing with it at some point later. 

While your learning to GAL, you must also learn to detach, the 180 rules. This is a very hard process to perfect, and don't get frustrated that it doesn't happen as fast as you want. If your doing it right, and you will, you'll notice him starting to call or communicate more. KEEP DETACHING, you need to show that your willing to move on, but also keep up the mystery to him as to how your doing. Not that you should care, it might come off as a façade at first, but you will get there. When frustrated or having a bad day, take a walk around the block, or run it off if need be, if its late at night, sit down and do 50 situps in the living room, or 50 pushups, burn the frustration off, then take a few deep breaths.

The key to this whole process is working on you, and not worrying about him. Its gonna take some time (that damn patience thing again), but you'll start noticing changes in yourself, your confidence, your attitude, your health, and more importantly thinking. He's gonna be crazy to leave such a person, it will be his loss, not yours!

Its also pretty important to keep family out of this for now, they tend to make the situation worse, even when they think they're helping. Its a self serving cycle that once it gets out of control, will end the marriage for you. I hope you have a friend that you can trust, or are going to some individual counseling, cause marriage counseling would be a disaster right now anyways. These early stages it would be used as a justification to end the marriage, not help it. DONT attempt marriage counseling until/if you are BOTH wanting to go, not willing to go.

Last but not least, you need to make these changes for YOU, not him. Do them with no expectations that the marriage will be saved. Don't get excited if what you think is progress is happening. Don't pressure or get pushy with what you want or would like to have happen. WORK ON YOURSELF ONLY. Treat this like your making your self a better spouse.........for someone else. If you can really implement this into your life, you might just be amazed at what happens. You'll discover a lot about yourself in the process.

One last thing........you must realize that it took a while to get you into this situation, but you ARE responsible for 50% of the problem, your half. Theres nothing you can do about the other half. Don't be afraid to look in the mirror, and accept what you were doing wrong, and what if you could go back in time change. This is important, cause those problems, if not fixed, you will bring into any future relationship (new marriage with old husband, new marriage with new person), and start the cycle over. So becoming a better you is still part of the 180. 

Good luck


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You write well. Your thoughts and emotions are coherent. The guy who asked you out for coffee found you sexy/attractive intimidating. And yet your husband got you to be a stay at home wife, without any children. Pray, what was the purpose of that?

Was your husband unable to reconcile himself to your character? Much of your life seems incompatible. 

What is it about your husband that you like?

Infertility could be an issue that eats at your husband. Did you have a diagnosis that pinpoints the cause?

Moxy is woman from Texas who writes well. Check out her thread.

Does your husband say that he is dating? Does he urge you to see other men?


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Wow it's been a while! Update in order I suppose?
So I had my moment of "okay I'm done" twice in the course of I think two weeks? The first time, I sang him a bit of our song and sent it to him. At the time it seemed like the thing to do so I just did it. He kind of played it off as no big deal, tried to be friendly in a legit friend's way. Like he thought it was cute or something. At that point, I called my friend who lives in WA and decided to go live there.
Of course the day after I was having doubts. I love Texas, love living in Houston! It's exciting, plus I will miss all of the excitement when the Texans play. Won't have the same affect when I'm in a sportsbar watching them play amongst Seahawks fans lol
The second (and even third) time, was pertaining to our anniversary which passed here recently. The day before, he sent me a random text asking about a concert I had gone to. I said it was fun, etc. He ended with "okay take care" or some kind of crap like that. Cried for half an hour, then texted him back asking if that was really what he wanted to say. He replied that he had really wanted to say he hadn't forgotten what the following day was. I don't remember if I replied. So cried for another half hour, then lost myself in Dead Island 2. 
The actual day of our anniversary was uneventful, which I liked. I had just gotten out of the shower, planned to go watch a movie, then go eat some sushi and get hammered by myself, when he sent me ANOTHER text. I should have just deleted it. Reading it really... destroyed most of my day. He said that no matter what happened, he wouldn't ever forget what the day was, and that he was sorry.
He. Is. Sorry.
Yeah. 
Sooooo that enraged me. As if I CARE that he remembers the significance of the day? It's not really important to me anymore. I'm not going to dwell on the day we got married, because it doesn't matter anymore. 
Anyway. I asked him why he kept saying things like that. He said because he didn't want me to think that he didn't care.

It's hard when I'm near him, to hang on to my resolve. I want nothing more than to have him back, but when I stop to think about what that would mean, in terms of what we would have to work on, I don't think he would commit to it. Or the thought that even if, right now as I'm typing this, he is wanting to come home, he wouldn't forego his pride and tell me. And I pretty much lost all of my pride in trying to get him back. I reclaimed it. But I didn't even think twice about my pride for a while. If he is waiting for bait to nibble on I will not drop it. But after that second round of messages concerning a freaking day on the calendar, I pushed my excuses aside and am planning the move to WA. At the back of my mind, I wish he would stop me from going, but I don't hope for it. Instead, I hope that I can get a job as a bartender up there, and make friends who like the Texans so I have someone to cheer with. That the roads where my friend lives are suitable for long runs, that my cat doesn't go beserk with so much change. That my dog doesn't forget me. Or I hope they get decent wifi in the bar so I can watch the game with my sisters in Texas. I hope that I can stop pushing people away because I'm afraid of being that vulnerable ever again. Just loving completely. 
I want to. I love the feeling of just letting all inhibition go and loving someone for who they are. Every jacked up piece of them.
This was long haha. 

---------
Thumper- I think I had to naturally fall into that role of letting things go and taking care of myself. Forcing it just wasn't working out well.

LongWalk- I believe the whole thing about wanting me to not get a job stemmed from him not wanting me to "get out there and find someone else more compatible". There were times when I think he legitamitely felt that I didn't really love him and that I was always itching for an out. I have since realized that people who accuse others of things like that are often the guilty party, and I feel like maybe divorce is something he has fantasized about over the years. Thinking back on it now, he was always bring up "well if we ever got a divorce" or "if we ever split up I would never stop loving you" and at the time I just didn't really know how to take that in. I feel like be has been a coward, wasting years of my life because he didn't want to say "hey maybe I don't want to be married after all". 
I think in the beginning I wanted to overrationalize everything. I wanted to find the fault in me that caused him to go. But honestly, nothing was ever that bad with us. We actually got on very well. I just really don't think that he wanted to be married. Sure he wanted to get married and have a wife, someone to be there for him. But spend the rest of his life with one person? I think our marriage got real with him once we were months away from having a child enter our lives. I feel like if I had gotten pregnant, we would have reached this place before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

You're lucky. Mine changed the moment our child was born... and I find out after D has been filed that she had told her friends how badly she wanted a child before we met. So here I am, stuck coparenting, with somebody who REALLY wanted a baby, got it, then left before having to deal with any real substance in a relationship. 

Cowards. Liars. Living in denial to justify their selfish ways.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Okay wow that sounds like my STBX. He was so excited at the thought of finally having a baby! Even though it wasn't ours, he wouldn't shut up about it at first. Even cried. But very suddenly it started to feel weird. When he told me that he had "felt this way" for two years, I was enraged! I feel like it's been our entire marriage, but two years just sounded good at the time I'm sure. 

I'm thinking these people have huge commitment issues. It's like I have just been his girlfriend for all of these years with how he handled this. Just left me here, doesn't even bother to check on the house of ask me if I need something. Just stays away. It might hurt me to see him, but these things are a part of the life we built together. Still it's just as well. I don't need him. 

I'm sorry that happened to you. But hey, hopefully you can take solace in the fact that you didn't choose to just walk away. Why do the fighters always end up with the quitters? Haha
Subconsciously we must love the challenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I agree, the question isn't what is wrong with them, it is in why did WE ignore the red flags int he first place.

Mine told me she left all of her last relationships in counseling after she moved out. Why didn't I ask this before?

She left, showing NO moral structure. Why did I not consider this before?

She NEVER communicated or cried in front of me or offered ANY willingness to compromise. It was her way or the highway. Why did I not consider these narcissistic tenancies before marrying her? 

The reason was that I ignored them because she blinded me by what she wanted me to see. What she chooses to show others. The face she puts on to hide her insecurities. Only I know who she really is. I know what she's really capable of. She's likely telling others another story to get them on her side. Does she do it out of guilt? Denial. There is no way of knowing, but more importantly it DOES NOT MATTER.

You cannot rationalize someone functioning at toxic levels. A marriage is not a marriage if you choose to keep the other person in the dark. Worry less about me and more about the next guy that gets sucked into her BS.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

So true. I guess I didn't really know what to think of him always talking about divorce. He kind of romaiticized it in a way too. I just didn't really catch on that while he was always bringing it up jokingly, it was always kind of exciting to him. I'm having trouble letting it go, sure. But I don't really think that someone's life problems can all be solved within one snappy decision. It irks me that it takes two people to keep a marriage running, but one day, one partner can just say "okay I don't wanna be with you anymore, have happiness blahblah bye!" And then it's over. Meanwhile the one left is going "uh do I not get a say in my own life?"

I guess the answer is in the question. I definitely control my own happiness. There is no FINDING it. That's their way of thinking. That you just find happiness. "Once I leave my spouse I will be happy!" I understand for some cases it will be like that. Abuse, cheating, addictions etc. Still. It's hard not to look back and think "why did I let that happen?" And dwell on the past. But in reality, you show your true colors and commitment and the real grit of what it is to be married and to love someone unconditionally when you try to fix things you didn't realize were so wrong to begin with. It's not fair for them to have this plan to escape the entire time and never give us a chance to push the limits of our marriage, to repair what needs fixing. 
They just pretend nothing is wrong. Then suddenly BAM! Not in love with you. 
Stupid. So stupid. 

How did she leave? I mean in what manner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Wow that makes a lot of sense. A marriage isn't a marriage if you choose to keep the other person in the dark. I might add that to my dry erase board of "FORGET THAT JERK" quotes
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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Mine dropped those hints too. Thing is, we don't think they're a precursor to anything. She said I should have married her college educated friend. I never knew she was building up justification to be a quitter. It's true, they think leaving the marriage solves their problems. Thing is, the truth comes at a snails pace. Not overnight.

Mine decided she wanted out one day. The next day I told her I didn't want to feel uncomfortable in my own house. She barked at me that she'd be out in a few days... then called a mutual friend crying saying I kicked her out. Lies.

Then we attended that mutual friends wedding a day later and she kissed me. Dysfunction.

Then I got her to attend counseling. Lies. She faked it all. When I saw through it, I said enough is enough and guess what? She was fine with it. She even said the "counselor wasn't right for us"...but do you think she did anything to save her marriage? Nope.

I still suspect an affair. Too many lies.

When she moved out she took EVERYTHING. Every photo on every wall. For what? Pepper, salt, everything...gone. Then she left me with her dog. What a joke.

Then I told her she'd pay child support and she cried. Told me I was only after her money and it was "her fault for making too much". Then she lied in front of the mediator about her income to save her own ass. Lies. Lies. Lies. 

See a theme?


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Hah. I think I have heard something like that from time to time. "You should have married someone more like this" but he didn't understand that if I wanted that I wouldn't have married him. Is it difficult to grasp that someone really loves you unconditionally? They will be there for you no matter what? And then us trying to show that we are there by trying to fight for our marriages is what? Not giving them what they want? ME ME ME. 
I wonder if they are comfortable in their own skin?

The theme is definitely lies. Wow that's horrible. I am dreading any legalities that are going to come up. 
I'm sad that I have to leave my dog. We have had her since she was 4 weeks old. :C My big fur baby. 

She took EVERYTHING? Dang. I wish he had taken everything. I hate seeing his crap in the closet. It still smells like him. 

So how long were y'all married? And do you have custody?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Battleworn said:


> Hah. I think I have heard something like that from time to time. "You should have married someone more like this" but he didn't understand that if I wanted that I wouldn't have married him. Is it difficult to grasp that someone really loves you unconditionally? They will be there for you no matter what? And then us trying to show that we are there by trying to fight for our marriages is what? Not giving them what they want? ME ME ME.
> I wonder if they are comfortable in their own skin?
> 
> So how long were y'all married? And do you have custody?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Insecurity is an enormous component. Mine told me that I never made her feel beautiful. Which is another lie. It's actually transference. This person who has had multiple cosmetic surgeries told ME, the person who loved her to the last day, that I never made her feel beautiful. It was her rewriting our marriage in order to leave. She probably tells other people the same BS line.... and they buy it.

We were married 3 years as of this month. We have split custody. She works nights. No real other option for her based on her schedule. I walked away with nothing but I would have done anything I had to if she challenged time with my daughter and that day may still come.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Ouch cosmetic surgery? No way. But that definitely sounds like my STBX. It makes me sad because he is downright sexy, and women will just stare him down like a prized buck! But it doesn't matter. He still feels really unattractive, no matter what I said or if others commented on his looks. He still wants to change his distinctive features. Nothing we can do about them now though. It's hard not to worry about him, but he is the one who chose to go and I'm not going to give him anymore emotional support. I'm gonna take a tip from Quarterflash and Harden My Heart c;

I don't blame you. At least you should be able to hang on to that when she is the one who wanted to give up everything. I'm guessing you are still young then?
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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Mine is the same way. The thing is that you can tell them how beautiful they are day and and out, but if they don't believe it you'll become the martyr. History will repeat.

I'm in my early 30's


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## slb121 (Aug 2, 2013)

It is comforting to read so many people have been and continue to be in the same situation I am. Hearing a spouse declare they want a divorce - the one word you NEVER thought you would hear, makes you feel so alone. So abandoned. So devastated. So unloved and thrown away like you were nothing.

I am glad I read the conversations in this thread. They have helped me alot today - I needed it.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

Something- True. But I think for two people to be together, they have to love themselves. So it was never our job to try to convince them they are attractive and sexy. The fact that someone wanted to spend their one life with them should have been enough proof that we find them attractive. They have to love themselves and I really don't think mine does, yours either. 
Early 30s! That's a good thing c: Maybe you don't want to think about it now, but you're still young and you can meet someone far more worthy of your attentions.

slb- I am glad c: I really think there's something in the freaking air or something. It's a dang epidemic.
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