# I’ve cheated on my wife too many times



## Iwannadie32

I’m 32, I have been married 15 years and have 4 kids with my wife. Last November I had a one night stand with a woman, it was unprotected and I pulled out, and never spoke to her again. She reached out to me recently asking to take a dna test for a baby she thinks is mine. I told her no and she said “ok forget it”. The baby is two weeks old and from the pictures I think the baby looks like me. I’ve been wrestling with anxiety for two weeks and finally told my wife that I cheated and that this baby is possibly mine. She’s devastated because this isn’t the first time I’ve cheated and admitted it. I feel like I want to kill myself. I don’t know why I’ve done it so many times but she definitely deserves so much better. I told her she deserves better and that I should leave before I continue to ruin her life. But I love her and my kids despite the fact that my actions put my relationship with them at risk. She has finally asked me to leave last night because she’s tired of being humiliated. I have nowhere to go and I don’t want to lose my family but I know that I don’t deserve them. This all happened last night. I don’t know what to do now. I’m devastated and angry at myself and I haven’t heard anything else about the baby from the mistress. I want to jump off a bridge for being so stupid.


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## GC1234

Well, *please don't kill yourself*, it won't solve anything and truthfully, all of your kids and even your wife would suffer with that for the rest of their lives; don't inflict that kind of pain on them.

Here's what I think,
Do the paternity test, (the baby could/could not be yours) and take responsibility for the baby if it is yours; if you don't want that, sign away your rights so you have no financial ties to the baby. Honestly, all babies look alike when they're little, so the fact that you say it looks like you, really may have no bearing, although I could be wrong. It also sounds like you want to reconcile with your wife, does she want to reconcile? I would also suggest individual therapy ASAP, and marriage counseling as well.

Have you ever done marriage counseling before? Both therapies (individual and marriage) might help you get to the bottom of why you keep cheating.

Also: Why did you get married at 17/18 years old?


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## bobert

First off, if you are thinking about suicide then you have two options.

1) Contact a suicide hotline via phone, live chat, or text. 

2) Go to the ER and tell them you are suicidal. 

I would recommend starting with option one unless you are seriously considering suicide and have a plan in place to take your life. Option number one can be done from the comfort of your own home, car, etc. If needed, they will help you figure out what the next step for you is. That may be helping you find a therapist, helping you find a hospital, or having a crisis team contact you.

After that, you should contact a friend or family member and talk to them. Let them know what happened and what you are feeling. Be open and honest with them. They will help you if you allow them to and they will help keep you safe. Reach out, let people help you.

Why would you end your life just because your marriage _might _be over? You still have children who need their father. You have the mother of your children who, regardless of whether you are together or not, will need you to continue raising your children with her. You have friends and family who love and care about you. You may have people at work or in hobbies who rely on you and your presence. Your marriage is a small piece and it is not the end all be all.

Do you know who suffers when someone dies by suicide? The children. The spouse. The family. The friends. They all wonder what they could have or should have done differently. The go through terrible guilt and grief. You have realized now how much damage your actions caused, do you really want to cause _more_? OR should you pick up the pieces now and do the next right thing?

What is the next right thing here? It's not suicide. That doesn't solve anything. All it does is create more pain and more grief. You want to end your pain, right? What about all the pain your wife is feeling? What your kids will feel? It will be amplified if you choose suicide.

The next right thing is righting your wrongs, and yes you can do that. Does that mean your life will go back to what it was before? No, but you really don't want it to. Your life before was what led you here. 

Yes, you may have another child. So contact that woman, man up, and be a father to that child. Yes, your wife may decide to end the marriage. She has every right to do that. Just like _you_ had every right to end the marriage before cheating. 

This is very fresh for your wife. Yes, she may end the marriage. She may also decide she wants to reconcile but that won't be an option if you choose suicide, now will it?


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## bobert

I know a lot of people use the "I want to go jump off a bridge" line when they don't actually mean that. Even I've done it. However, the above had to be said.

I get it, you're feeling extremely overwhelmed right now. Honestly, it's one step at a time.

Legally, your wife cannot kick you out of the house. It can also cause issues for you down the road if you divorce. That being said, you need to give your wife some space. It's the least you can do for her. So, where can you stay for a while? Can you stay with a friend or family member? Don't just assume you can't or be too ashamed to ask for help.

You need to contact the other woman and have the DNA test done. You need to know the results either way. Yes, it's overwhelming. Yes, it's easier to just never contact her again. But is it the right thing to do? You don't want to abandon your child, and you don't want to be forever wondering if it is even your child out there.

You would benefit from finding a therapist. Do not even suggest marriage counseling to your wife right now. The problem isn't your marriage or your wife... it's you and your compulsive serial cheating. That needs to be resolved before anything else can be.


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## bobert

GC1234 said:


> Also: Why did you get married at 20 years old?


If he is 32 and has been married 15 years, then he was married at 17-18.


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## GC1234

bobert said:


> If he is 32 and has been married 15 years, then he was married at 17-18.


Oh shoot. Let me fix that..Thanks!


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## Iwannadie32

I just told her last night and slept on the floor, and this morning I woke up to a text where she asked me to leave. I am at a loss for words and I won’t try and convince her to let me stay, I hate losing her and my family but y’all are right about killing my self. I had been doing so well and we were really progressing as a family. Do we tell the kids why I’m leaving or do we just tell them that we are separating ??


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> I just told her last night and slept on the floor, and this morning I woke up to a text where she asked me to leave. I am at a loss for words and I won’t try and convince her to let me stay, I hate losing her and my family but y’all are right about killing my self. I had been doing so well and we were really progressing as a family. Do we tell the kids why I’m leaving or do we just tell them that we are separating ??


For now, don't tell the kids that you are separating or why. Things may change and they don't need that stress. How old are the kids?


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## Iwannadie32

14,8,6,6


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## Diana7

You need to tell the children unless they are too small to understand. In the situation you are in killing yourself would be yet another selfish act on top of the others and would devastate your family. So instead of the threats how about you take responsibility for once and go and sit down with your wife and children and tell then exactly what has happened and why you have left, and appologise. Think of them for a change and not yourself. There are bad consequences to adultery, and you need to man up and take them. Hopefully you can carry on seeing your children and be the best dad you can.
Yes get that test, if you pulled out and if she is the sort of woman who has one night stands with married men you may not be the dad. If you are then you need to take responsibility for that child as well.



GC1234 said:


> Oh shoot. Let me fix that..Thanks!


Either way its irrelevant.


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## GC1234

Diana7 said:


> Either way its irrelevant.


I respectfully disagree; It might be relevant, maybe marrying young, he feels like he "missed out" on certain experiences, and might be why he is cheating. I have no proof of course, pure speculation, but it could be.


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## GC1234

Iwannadie32 said:


> I just told her last night and slept on the floor, and this morning I woke up to a text where she asked me to leave. I am at a loss for words and I won’t try and convince her to let me stay, I hate losing her and my family but y’all are right about killing my self. I had been doing so well and we were really progressing as a family. Do we tell the kids why I’m leaving or do we just tell them that we are separating ??


I wouldn't tell the kids the reason why you're leaving. They shouldn't know the reason unless you guys divorce and they are older...too complicated. But you could maybe tell them mom and dad are having some disagreements, and need space for a bit until we figure it out. I agree with bobert that things could change.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Believe me, you won't do anyone any good dead. You are a dad, you don't have the right to be selfish. Sorry.

As for your chronic infidelity...you need to search inside you. You don't know why you do it? I think you do. Why are you so weak? It's ok to admit it, we all are weak. But flesh and bones isn't going to make you happy. You are just covering one sin for another. You don't need to bear the burdens of the world alone. 

If you need a place to stay for awhile, believer or not, find a Church, take heed in their council, they will not turn you away.

Just some thoughts, either way, take care of yourself and your family.


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## Diana7

GC1234 said:


> I respectfully disagree; It might be relevant, maybe marrying young, he feels like he "missed out" on certain experiences, and might be why he is cheating. I have no proof of course, pure speculation, but it could be.





GC1234 said:


> I respectfully disagree; It might be relevant, maybe marrying young, he feels like he "missed out" on certain experiences, and might be why he is cheating. I have no proof of course, pure speculation, but it could be.


Either way he is a serial cheat, and he keeps on cheating.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Your kids don't need to know your private marital business between you and your wife. All they need to know is that mommy and daddy are having problems and it's best right now for you to separate.

Why the hell *anyone* thinks it's ok to dump extremely personal and delicate inforamtion like this on the shoudlers of a 10 or 12 year old - whether they can understand it or not - needs their head examined.

And OP, take your pity party somewhere else. You screwed up (again) so be a grown ass man and be *responsible* for it. All the others here can pat your back and cluck their tongues about your suicide threat and beg you not to do it but that ain't me.


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## Diana7

The 14 year old at least needs to know. Children will blame themselves otherwise. 

How many times have you cheated?


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> 14,8,6,6


For now, don't tell the kids that you are separating/divorcing. Those are big, scary words and it is too soon and you are both too emotional right now.

The kids DO need to know what is going on, in age-appropriate ways. They know you were fighting and that you are no longer in the house and they are going to have questions. If those questions are not answered then they will come up with their own reasons, which are usually focused on themselves or their siblings. For example, "Dad left because I was naughty and didn't clean my room" or "Dad left because sister was a brat and it's all her fault". It is not enough to tell them "that's not true". They need honesty and something they can understand and relate to.

For example, if they are mad at a friend they might not want to play with them for a few days right? Mom and dad are taking a timeout right now. They will want to know where you are going, how long you will be gone, etc. Also, this does not mean you are taking a break from your kids. So pick them up and spend the day with them. They need to know that you are not leaving them. Be consistent. 

You also need to talk to your wife to find out what she has told them and to get on the same page.

Now, whether you divorce or not you WILL have to talk to the kids about infidelity if this baby is yours. There is no escaping that. That conversation sucks, been there done that, but it is inevitable.

Even if that child isn't yours, reconciliation or divorce, it would still be beneficial to talk to the kids about infidelity in an age-appropriate way.

Here is a related post I wrote.


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## Diana7

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your kids don't need to know your private marital business between you and your wife. All they need to know is that mommy and daddy are having problems and it's best right now for you to separate.
> 
> Why the hell *anyone* thinks it's ok to dump extremely personal and delicate inforamtion like this on the shoudlers of a 10 or 12 year old - whether they can understand it or not - needs their head examined.
> 
> And OP, take your pity party somewhere else. You screwed up (again) so be a grown ass man and be *responsible* for it. All the others here can pat your back and cluck their tongues about your suicide threat and beg you not to do it but that ain't me.


Nor me, but I dont agree that the 14 year old at least shouldn't be told. The others can just be told that daddy had acted very badly and hurt mummy. I had things kept from me as a child and I would have much preferred to be told rather than find out years later through some other means.


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## Diana7

bobert said:


> For now, don't tell the kids that you are separating/divorcing. Those are big, scary words and it is too soon and you are both too emotional right now.
> 
> The kids DO need to know what is going on, in age-appropriate ways. They know you were fighting and that you are no longer in the house and they are going to have questions. If those questions are not answered then they will come up with their own reasons, which are usually focused on themselves or their siblings. For example, "Dad left because I was naughty and didn't clean my room" or "Dad left because sister was a brat and it's all her fault". It is not enough to tell them "that's not true". They need honesty and something they can understand and relate to.
> 
> For example, if they are mad at a friend they might not want to play with them for a few days right? Mom and dad are taking a timeout right now. They will want to know where you are going, how long you will be gone, etc. Also, this does not mean you are taking a break from your kids. So pick them up and spend the day with them. They need to know that you are not leaving them. Be consistent.
> 
> You also need to talk to your wife to find out what she has told them and to get on the same page.
> 
> Now, whether you divorce or not you WILL have to talk to the kids about infidelity if this baby is yours. There is no escaping that. That conversation sucks, been there done that, but it is inevitable.
> 
> Even if that child isn't yours, reconciliation or divorce, it would still be beneficial to talk to the kids about infidelity in an age-appropriate way.
> 
> Here is a related post I wrote.


Absolutely agree. Hiding things just makes children think the worst.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Diana7 said:


> The 14 year old at least needs to know. Children will blame themselves otherwise.
> 
> How many times have you cheated?


I don't see a reason to invite your kids into your bedroom. There is no right way to address these sort of things, unfortunately. As long as you make them understand it's not their fault and it's simply an issue between mom and dad then that's about the best you can do.


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## sokillme

Iwannadie32 said:


> I’m 32, I have been married 15 years and have 4 kids with my wife. Last November I had a one night stand with a woman, it was unprotected and I pulled out, and never spoke to her again. She reached out to me recently asking to take a dna test for a baby she thinks is mine. I told her no and she said “ok forget it”. The baby is two weeks old and from the pictures I think the baby looks like me. I’ve been wrestling with anxiety for two weeks and finally told my wife that I cheated and that this baby is possibly mine. She’s devastated because this isn’t the first time I’ve cheated and admitted it. I feel like I want to kill myself. I don’t know why I’ve done it so many times but she definitely deserves so much better. I told her she deserves better and that I should leave before I continue to ruin her life. But I love her and my kids despite the fact that my actions put my relationship with them at risk. She has finally asked me to leave last night because she’s tired of being humiliated. I have nowhere to go and I don’t want to lose my family but I know that I don’t deserve them. This all happened last night. I don’t know what to do now. I’m devastated and angry at myself and I haven’t heard anything else about the baby from the mistress. I want to jump off a bridge for being so stupid.


If you kill yourself you will just be following the same path you have your whole life. That is a kind of an out but it's at the expense of everyone who loves you. Again this is what you have been doing in your past and why you are so upset. Why you are at this point. 

If you really love your wife and your family you will use the pain go change, to become a good person. You will try to find it in yourself to have the courage to face what you have done and accept it. Do it with dignity and contrition so that you give your family some dignity too in a very ugly situation.

You are really at a crossroads.

Do you have the courage to do the right thing (it's not killing yourself).


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## sokillme

Tell your children the truth but be age appropriate. For the young ones you can say dad did something bad and hurt your Mom really terrible. She rightfully needs time away. For the older ones I think you need to say you had sexual relations with people other then their Mother. Leave it at that.

They are going to find out anyway, you don't even know that they don't know. Lots of time they are a lot more perceptive then given credit for. An affair is going to be the first thing a 14 year old thinks, and then they are going to ask your wife. She should not be put in a position to cover for you along with all the other stuff she is dealing with. 

"Truth" is the first and most important path for you to follow if you want to change and start to get your life on the right road. It's like cleaner, to scrub away all the dirt of your actions. You do that first then you go about rebuilding the things you have broken the best way you can.

Make sure you tell your wife everything and take complete responsibility.

These are the consequences but also the very early steps of becoming a new person.


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## Taxman

Sir, this is between your wife, the mother of this child and you. Take the test and if positive, man up and pay support. If this isn't your child, you still need to address the betrayal of your wife and family. Please, do not involve your children until absolutely necessary. There is a great possibility that this child is not yours. Hold all your water til you have a clear picture. Then when appropriate you can advise your kids.


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## StarFires

You don't have any rights to a child born of an unwed mother (nor to a child born of a woman who is married to someone else). Therefore, there are no rights to sign away. Even if you wanted a right to the child, such as visitation or if the case were a matter of adoption, you would have to go to court to get it.

There is also nothing to absolve you of your financial responsibility. If she wants to make you pay child support, the judge would make you pay child support. She would probably be required to prove paternity, in which case you would be compelled to take the test even if you don't want to. And this would be in your best interest anyway since the child may or may not be yours. I'm thinking she waited so long to tell you because she needed to see the baby in order to guess at who the father might be. And since she waited as long as two weeks, I'm betting she already had somebody tested (or maybe a number of men, who knows), but paternity was not proven. So now it's your turn. Most unfortunate and incredibly pathetic, but it's the way these things happen sometimes when people like you and her sleep around.

Newborn babies don't all look alike. I think they all look similar, in that I think they all look like little aliens LOL, but they don't all look alike. I could tell immediately that my daughter looked just like my husband when she was born. I could also tell immediately that my granddaughter looked exactly like my son-in-law when she was born. I can't make any such determinations with other people's newborns, but members of other families can tell with their own kids just like I could (frankly, everybody in the world could tell with my granddaughter because she looked THAT much like her father). So it may well be that you were able to see similarities in this child. However, I think it would be best to go on and take the test. You can't run away from your responsibility no matter how unpleasant.

Generally, a person would wait as long as they dared until they absolutely had to tell their spouse about something like this. And there are many who would never tell and try to take their secret to the grave. You wanted your wife to know in the past and you wanted her to know this time, which is why you jumped the gun to tell her about this child before you knew anything certain. It's like you wanted to inflict that pain on her all those other times, and this time you knew would be painful beyond measure. Those are pathological behaviors (of, relating to, or manifesting behavior that is habitual, maladaptive, and unhealthy compulsive.....caused by or evidencing a mentally disturbed condition) and concide with all your other behaviors, including serial cheating and wanting to kill yourself. When a person cannot control their behaviors and when a person says they want to commit suicide, it is generally considered that they are in need of psychiatric intervention. Please call the Suicide Hotline or text the Crisis Text Hotline. They can help you in your immediate/current crisis and can also refer you to someone to visit locally.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line 741-741

Regarding how you and your wife should address this with the kids, *this Psychology Today article* by Dr. Robert Weiss tells you how to go about it. I excerpted key points below:

_"No matter what, the information you share with your kids should be age appropriate. If your kids are more than a few years apart in age, you may need to have multiple conversations. If your children are very young, your disclosure might stop with a basic statement that mommy and daddy are mad at each other right now because of something one of them did. Then you can let them know that it’s not their fault, they can’t fix it or control it, and it’s OK for them to talk about their feelings. If you are actively working to heal from this issue, you can tell them that as well.....Older kids may ask questions about the specific nature of the situation and the possibility of divorce. If so, I suggest general but honest responses."_

He goes on to suggest being honest and tell them about the cheating if the kids find out by other sources, such as rumors through the gossip mill at school, for example.


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## Blondilocks

Tell all of your children the same story. Don't burden the oldest with having to keep a secret from their siblings and don't burden the younger ones with eventually learning they were lied to. The truth can come out when the younger ones can understand.


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## SunCMars

While....

You can get divorced, after being booted out.
You cannot divorce your children, those 4 or 5 of them.

You can kill yourself, but you cannot kill that 'double' betrayed memory in your children's minds.
Those betrayals:

1) You cheated on their Mom, you cheated the children out of a good life together.
2) You killed yourself, and you killed their dad (you).

People cheat all the time.
Yes, the children will likely hate you for a while.

If you are a good dad, from here on out, you can mitigate, maybe repair the damage done to your family.
Likely, not good enough to regroup as a family, but hopefully, good enough to EARN forgiveness.

Be done being a dik.


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## Iwannadie32

Are you saying that I told her too soon and that I did it to hurt her on purpose? I’m definitely a real POS. It was just weighing on me and I didn’t want her to find out any other way. Fml I can’t do anything right. I’m not feeling suicidal anymore but I’m feeling guilt and shame. My wife kicked me out and then told me to come home and be a good father to our kids because they don’t deserve a broken home. How do I even begin trying to be a better father when I’m such a POS? It’s like there’s two versions of me. The one the kids see and look up to and the one I really am. How do I destroy who I really am and become who they see and need me to be? I can’t stop crying thinking about how much pain I’ve caused her and the fact that she wants me to stay hurts me even more. That part is what makes me want to die


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> How do I destroy who I really am and become who they see and need me to be? I can’t stop crying thinking about how much pain I’ve caused her and the fact that she wants me to stay hurts me even more. That part is what makes me want to die


You get your butt into therapy and work your ass off to become a better man, husband, and father.


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## hinterdir

Iwannadie32 said:


> I’m 32, I have been married 15 years and have 4 kids with my wife. Last November I had a one night stand with a woman, it was unprotected and I pulled out, and never spoke to her again. She reached out to me recently asking to take a dna test for a baby she thinks is mine. I told her no and she said “ok forget it”. The baby is two weeks old and from the pictures I think the baby looks like me. I’ve been wrestling with anxiety for two weeks and finally told my wife that I cheated and that this baby is possibly mine. She’s devastated because this isn’t the first time I’ve cheated and admitted it. I feel like I want to kill myself. I don’t know why I’ve done it so many times but she definitely deserves so much better. I told her she deserves better and that I should leave before I continue to ruin her life. But I love her and my kids despite the fact that my actions put my relationship with them at risk. She has finally asked me to leave last night because she’s tired of being humiliated. I have nowhere to go and I don’t want to lose my family but I know that I don’t deserve them. This all happened last night. I don’t know what to do now. I’m devastated and angry at myself and I haven’t heard anything else about the baby from the mistress. I want to jump off a bridge for being so stupid.


Sorry but:

You made your bed and now you have to lay in it. 

You've probably really destroyed or greatly damaged 5-6 peoples lives. 
I'll let others deal with the empathy feelings and stuff like that. I do not really care how you feel. It makes no difference. 
My only advice.

Do the right thing. 
Do the right thing by everyone involved.


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## StarFires

Iwannadie32 said:


> It’s like there’s two versions of me. The one the kids see and look up to and the one I really am.


That's the way it always goes for kids. Imagine how the children of presidents feel. Nixon, for example. Kennedy for another. Bush the younger for another.

These were great men in some ways and terrible men in other ways. But to their kids, they were just daddy - the man they loved and looked up to. The man who could do no wrong.

Children need their father. If your wife wants you to come home for the kids' sake, then go home and act like a man. Be the daddy they need you to be.

And stop saying you want die. You've received plenty of suggestions for that so if you really wanted to die, you would get the help you need. Maybe you just don't like having to live with the consequences of your actions. You need help for that too, so call someone.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> Are you saying that I told her too soon and that I did it to hurt her on purpose? I’m definitely a real POS. It was just weighing on me and I didn’t want her to find out any other way. Fml I can’t do anything right. I’m not feeling suicidal anymore but I’m feeling guilt and shame. My wife kicked me out and then told me to come home and be a good father to our kids because they don’t deserve a broken home. How do I even begin trying to be a better father when I’m such a POS? It’s like there’s two versions of me. The one the kids see and look up to and the one I really am. How do I destroy who I really am and become who they see and need me to be? I can’t stop crying thinking about how much pain I’ve caused her and the fact that she wants me to stay hurts me even more. That part is what makes me want to die


The fact that you told her was the only good thing I saw in this mess. Keeping such things a secret is far worse and much more cowardly.

I have no idea how your wife can trust you after all these affairs, and the fact that she just keeps taking you back is allowing you to keep cheating. I am sure you were equally 'sorry' all the other times but you did it again anyway. I wish she had more self esteem to see that she deserves better.


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## Diana7

Diana7 said:


> The fact that you told her was the only good thing I saw in this mess. Keeping such things a secret is far worse and much more cowardly.
> 
> I have no idea how your wife can trust you after all these affairs, and the fact that she just keeps taking you back is allowing you to keep cheating. I am sure you were equally 'sorry 'all the other times but you did it again anyway. I wish she had more self esteem to see that she deserves better.


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## Iwannadie32

So ehaf


Diana7 said:


> The fact that you told her was the only good thing I saw in this mess. Keeping such things a secret is far worse and much more cowardly.
> 
> I have no idea how your wife can trust you after all these affairs, and the fact that she just keeps taking you back is allowing you to keep cheating. I am sure you were equally 'sorry' all the other times but you did it again anyway. I wish she had more self esteem to see that she deserves better.
> [/QUOTE


So what should I do? Stay away from her because I’ve been so toxic? I know she must have low self esteem to take me back or she’s not thinking clearly. But what do you suggest I do? Ask for a divorce and abandon her and the kids because I’m such a POS? Trust me I know she deserves better and yeah I’ve messed up all my life and now I’ve really messed up but where do I go from here?? Would it be worse to abandon my family?


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> So ehaf
> 
> 
> 
> So what should I do? Stay away from her because I’ve been so toxic? I know she must have low self esteem to take me back or she’s not thinking clearly. But what do you suggest I do? Ask for a divorce and abandon her and the kids because I’m such a POS? Trust me I know she deserves better and yeah I’ve messed up all my life and now I’ve really messed up but where do I go from here?? Would it be worse to abandon my family?


IT would be worse for the children yes. How many affairs did you have? Did you promise yourself each time that you would never do it again? Can you even be faithful? Do you have any boundaries at all with women? 
I just wish your wife would take you to account more. She just has you back and hopes that you will not do it again. 
Does she even ask for you to set some boundaries? To change anything? Does she say that if it ever happens again that will be it?


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## Iwannadie32

I have had a lot of affairs but only 3 that she knows of and last time she told me that that was it. This girl was the last girl and it had been since oct/nov of last year. I never thought I could stop cheating until now. This is too much for even me. It always felt ok as long as no one found out. But I can’t keep dragging her down like this. I feel like I need to atone for my mistakes. I feel like I need to make it up to her and my family. I don’t know why she takes me back. She’s gorgeous and my age (so not that old). I’ve helped her pay for school and stuff and we’ve been together since 17 so maybe she feels obligation towards me? In general and in public in a stand up person but pornography and affairs have plagued me my whole life. By affairs I mean one night stands etc. My closest friend tells me that I can’t love her if I do this but I do, I’d die for her in a heartbeat. I have life insurance policies that would make her multimillionaire when I die. But I don’t understand why she stays with me. I don’t want to ever cheat again ever. I think it has been like an addiction. I’ve spent thousands a year on massage parlors etc. I just want what’s best for her now. I’m tired of looking out for me I want her to be happy. I don’t think she can ever be happy with me. How could she ever trust me???


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## StarFires

If you mean what you say, then get some help and also give her your debit caard that has your payched deposited on it. Better yet get your pay deposited into her account so you can't withdraw massage parlor money anymore. That way, you won't have money for prostitutes and hotel rooms for picking up strange women.

You are acting like an awful big crybaby. It's not as though there is nothing you can do to help yourself. If you really love her and really want to change, then start making changes. Get the help you need and give your wife her your pay keeping only the bare amount to get back and forth to work every day. I expect she will be more financially responsible than you are.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> I have had a lot of affairs but only 3 that she knows of and last time she told me that that was it. This girl was the last girl and it had been since oct/nov of last year. I never thought I could stop cheating until now. This is too much for even me. It always felt ok as long as no one found out. But I can’t keep dragging her down like this. I feel like I need to atone for my mistakes. I feel like I need to make it up to her and my family. I don’t know why she takes me back. She’s gorgeous and my age (so not that old). I’ve helped her pay for school and stuff and we’ve been together since 17 so maybe she feels obligation towards me? In general and in public in a stand up person but pornography and affairs have plagued me my whole life. By affairs I mean one night stands etc. My closest friend tells me that I can’t love her if I do this but I do, I’d die for her in a heartbeat. I have life insurance policies that would make her multimillionaire when I die. But I don’t understand why she stays with me. I don’t want to ever cheat again ever. I think it has been like an addiction. I’ve spent thousands a year on massage parlors etc. I just want what’s best for her now. I’m tired of looking out for me I want her to be happy. I don’t think she can ever be happy with me. How could she ever trust me???


Some may disagree with me, but you must come clean and tell her all you have done. Hold nothing back. Then tell her that you want to get help to change. Then leave it to her to decide what she does. Her threat to leave you the next time wasnt meant it seems and thats half the problem, she almost enables your behaviour.
I have to agree with your friend, you dont treat those you love this way. Every time you cheated and went to a massage parlour you must have known that you were risking everything? Yet you did it anyway. You also risked gving her STD's which can be very serious and can lead to cancer. You both need to be tested. I have no idea where she thinks all the money goes or where she thinks you are when you cheat.
Personally I thnk the only thing that can help you is to turn to Jesus Christ. Many here will poo poo that, but its true and I am not going to stay quiet about it as I feel God wants me to say it. Only He can truly change peoples live from the inside.


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## Iwannadie32

I got tested last December and I’m clean but yes my biggest fear was giving her a disease I never thought that I could run into the situation I’m facing right now. I’ve scheduled a session with a therapist. I’m going to do the debit card thing. I’m also gonna unblock my cell phone and social media etc. Thank y’all for the advice. Do I update on this post or is it a one and done?


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> I got tested last December and I’m clean but yes my biggest fear was giving her a disease I never thought that I could run into the situation I’m facing right now. I’ve scheduled a session with a therapist. I’m going to do the debit card thing. I’m also gonna unblock my cell phone and social media etc. Thank y’all for the advice. Do I update on this post or is it a one and done?


Yes you must be open completely with her. Give her all your passwords and let her know what you are doing each day. Say she can phone you at any time. Let her put a tracker and VAR in your car. I think you can update here.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> I have had a lot of affairs but only 3 that she knows of and last time she told me that that was it.


You need to come clean about _everything_. If you start the process of reconciling and she finds out more later, you start from scratch again. I've been on both sides of that conversation and yes, it will suck but you have to tell her everything. 

I would suggest writing down a timeline of events. Every affair, to the best of your knowledge. If she asks you questions, answer them. Every question, every time. You do not get to decide what information she wants/needs. However, it would be wise for her to see a therapist as well. They will help her figure out what information she needs to know, and what is just pain shopping. 



> I don’t know why she takes me back. She’s gorgeous and my age (so not that old). I’ve helped her pay for school and stuff and we’ve been together since 17 so maybe she feels an obligation towards me?


Based on my experience, I think it's because she grew up with you and you're all she knows. That's a hard thing to leave. Whatever personal/self-worth issues she has will also play a role. 



> My closest friend tells me that I can’t love her if I do this but I do, I’d die for her in a heartbeat. I have life insurance policies that would make her multimillionaire when I die.


You may feel like you love her, but are you treating her in a loving way? Putting her on your life insurance is not how you treat a spouse lovingly. 



> But I don’t understand why she stays with me.


Encourage your wife to find a therapist. She WILL need it. It will also show that you care about her wellbeing, even if the therapist helps her realize she wants out of this marriage. 



> How could she ever trust me???


By you acting in a trustworthy way. Do what you say you're going to do. Be where you say you're going to be. Don't do anything that you wouldn't do in front of her. By making sure your words and actions always match. By showing her that you will make sacrifices to earn back her trust. 

Let her look at your phone whenever she wants to. Put an app like Find My Friends on both phones so she can see where you are, and never turn it off. Tell her where you are going, when you will be home, and be home on time. Let her see your bank records. No cash withdrawals. Get into therapy and STAY in therapy. 

Read books. Right now, go buy "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald.


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## bobert

Are you going to contact the OW about the DNA test? You cannot just ignore that or hide from it.


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> I have had a lot of affairs but only 3 that she knows of and last time she told me that that was it. This girl was the last girl and it had been since oct/nov of last year. I never thought I could stop cheating until now. This is too much for even me. It always felt ok as long as no one found out. But I can’t keep dragging her down like this. I feel like I need to atone for my mistakes. I feel like I need to make it up to her and my family. I don’t know why she takes me back. She’s gorgeous and my age (so not that old). I’ve helped her pay for school and stuff and we’ve been together since 17 so maybe she feels obligation towards me? In general and in public in a stand up person but pornography and affairs have plagued me my whole life. By affairs I mean one night stands etc. My closest friend tells me that I can’t love her if I do this but I do, I’d die for her in a heartbeat. I have life insurance policies that would make her multimillionaire when I die. But I don’t understand why she stays with me. I don’t want to ever cheat again ever. I think it has been like an addiction. I’ve spent thousands a year on massage parlors etc. I just want what’s best for her now. I’m tired of looking out for me I want her to be happy. I don’t think she can ever be happy with me. How could she ever trust me???


_I feel like I need to atone for my mistakes._​
You cannot atone for your mistakes. There is nothing you can do to make them right. You weren't honest about the nature and number of infidelities you've had so far. There is no reason for her, for us, or for yourself, to believe today that you're not going to continue spinning your own convenient and minimalized version of the truth in the future. You cannot be trusted. You should not trust yourself. It's rare that someone in your position gets an epiphany and suddenly changes. What you feel right now, about not ever wanting to cheat again, is because, right now, that's what you think your wife needs to hear. That's what it would take to stay married. That does not mean you're not likely to cheat again.
​_I don’t think she can ever be happy with me. How could she ever trust me???_​
She can't. She can't be happy unless somehow she can accept you for who you are, and that's a pretty tall order. Trust is gone. Let her go. You will sleep better at night knowing she's better off, and that you don't have to worry about your latest indiscretions. This is how you start being the best person you can be. Whether you can become a good-enough person to ever walk the definition of "faithful partner" again is a very tall order. Get working on it.

And if you want to believe that, 5, 10 years from now you could be someone a partner, knowing everything about you, would admire... then great, I wish you the best-possible future. But taking care of your children is going to be a painful reminder of the road you've traveled with your wife. The abuse you put her through.

I don't think I've ever come down so strongly on someone on TAM before. I do hope for the impossible. But you've screwed it up so many times before. You need a lot of time to work on yourself and become a man you never were. And you will not, ever, be better off dead. You've got a job to do. You need to make sure those kids are taken care of financially, and you need to find the love in your heart required to make sure your wife has a degree of financial freedom of her own, so she is never having to be looking to you for more money. And you need to become that better man so your kids can see their father as someone who did change for the better. And again, that's going to take time.


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## Spicy

Tell her everything. 

Also have her join us here on TAM, by opening an account and posting, so we can support this horribly betrayed woman.


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## Iwannadie32

I gave her my debit card. I’ve been sleeping on the floor. I gave her my info on find my friends, and I told her I thought she should reconsider if she wants to stay with me or not. I’ve come to the realization that I’m a sex addict and I’ve scheduled therapy sessions. I’m reading a book called “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” and in it it said to stop BS and come 100% clean so I did this morning. I made it clear that I know there’s better guys and that she shouldn’t feel like she has to stay with me and I promised I’m not going to myself. I let her know that and that I could be a good father even if we weren’t together. She asked me about therapy etc. I told her that in the past I felt I acted on impulse in those situations and that I always felt guilty after wards but I didn’t realize how bad I hurt her until this situation. I told her I’m gonna go to therapy and she has full access to all $ in bank (it’s like 80k) and access to all money elsewhere and I blocked every person I told her about. She basically said that it If I’m going to go to therapy and fix myself that I need to man up and be a father to the kids so they don’t come from a broken home and that I need to go to therapy and fix myself. I told her that if she were my daughter I would tell her to leave. She told me that she understand and would do the same. When I met her I was basically a thug and since I’ve been with her I got a degree and a good job and haven’t been to jail in since. I think she sees redeemable value in me. But I made it clear that the therapy sessions and the improvements were going to be so that I fixed me and there was absolutely nothing wrong with her and that she def deserves better regardless. My dad and my mom went through the same thing all their lives and I don’t want my wife to live like my mom did. We are Hispanic. I can say for certain I’m serious and committed. And I can say for certain I’m scared ****less about having come clean and about her ever being happy again. But I also told her that if at any point she wants me to leave I absolutely will and continue my commitment to our kids and continue my commitment to fixing me. I have enough discipline to follow a plan once I get on it but I’ve never been on a plan. Mostly I’ve always just felt guilt about being caught but this time I’m glad I don’t have an STD and I’m not in prison or haven’t lost my job etc. I feel I still have a future and I can still fix me. I have hope.


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## Iwannadie32

Thank y’all for being my therapists so far.


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## Diana7

Hope is vital for all of us. Did you tell her about all the other affairs and visits to the massage parlour etc?


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## Iwannadie32

Yes I told her about all the ones she didn’t know about and all the visits. I also told her about the porn addiction.


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## bobert

I have to say, I'm impressed that you actually bought the book, started reading, and confessed. Most people wouldn't have done that, so good job.

How is your wife feeling about the new information? What are you going to do about the OW/baby?


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## GC1234

Diana7 said:


> Either way he is a serial cheat, and he keeps on cheating.


but at least it might help him understand why, if that is the reason. Some people are aware of why they do things, others are not.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> Yes I told her about all the ones she didn’t know about and all the visits. I also told her about the porn addiction.


Good for you, so many will just lie for their whole lives. What will you do about your possible other child? . 
Porn also is so damaging for you and the marriage.


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## Iwannadie32

I have no choice I have to try and fix the marriage. As for the other woman. If she is convinced that this child is mine i think she should go through proper channels with child support dna etc. From the last two conversations she’s told me to “forget she said anything”. She has slept around a lot and I think she does not know for certain who the father is. But if I am the father, of course I’ll be financially responsible but I am not going to leave my wife or current family. I do not plan on having a relationship with her or child and I will sign over parental rights. My current family of four kids and wife are my top priority as it should have always been. If the child is mine I will consult with my wife and if she wants me to have a relationship with the child and wants me to do the whole visitation etc I will. This may not be fair to the unborn child but ultimately It’s what I think is best for my current wife and kids. I am gaining a sense of clarity about what I need to do to move forward and I don’t know what is the best path for Everything, but I do know that raising the kids in my immediate family and being a better husband to my wife is what’s most important to me.


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> Thank y’all for being my therapists so far.


Don't forget your wife is in need of therapy just as much, maybe more so, than you. I believe you understand the point of her therapy will not be to save the marriage, but to save her, and that saving her (restoring her sense of worth & self-esteem) may run counter to saving the marriage. 

One thing she really needs to look out for is manipulative behavior on your part. She's fallen for that in the past. It's a part of who you are, and something that leaves many of us here skeptical of your words. You've given you false hope in the past. Her therapist is going to work on making sure she goes by your actions, not words.


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## Iwannadie32

I told her that this morning. I asked why she wanted to stay together and I told her she may not be thinking clearly and that she may feel she has low self esteem and that she should also see a therapist to either help her get past the affairs or help give her the strength to leave. She said she’s also gonna see a therapist. I hope therapy works for the both of us. At the end of the day I want her to be happy most of all, even if that’s without me.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> But if I am the father, of course I’ll be financially responsible but I am not going to leave my wife or current family. I do not plan on having a relationship with her or child and I will sign over parental rights.


I'm not going to comment on whether or not you should have a relationship with the child. It's not my choice to make and I know more than most that it's a very hard thing to deal with. 

You most likely will NOT be able to "sign away your parental rights", though. Generally, a judge will only allow that if there is another father in the picture who will support the child. If you were allowed to sign away your parental rights that means you would NOT be responsible for the child financially. So a judge will not allow that unless there is another man in the picture who wants to adopt the child.


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## Iwannadie32

Well I’m ok with being financially responsible. At the end of the day it is what it is. But I can’t co parent with a woman I barely know because we were sexually intimate one time. I feel this relationship would not help me rebuild trust with my wife. They know each other and the other woman knew I was married and we were not in an emotional relationship it was just a one time thing.


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## Dadto2

First off, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Plus you have kids. So put that out of your mind entirely. Yes, it feels like the end of the world....we all go through really crappy situations in life. But it always gets better. Just remember that.

You're on the right track with counseling. And give your wife some space. She's obviously hurting and needs time to clear her head. You need to focus on yourself right now. Become the man she married. Real change, not change just to get back what you are losing.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> Well I’m ok with being financially responsible. At the end of the day it is what it is. But I can’t co parent with a woman I barely know because we were sexually intimate one time. I feel this relationship would not help me rebuild trust with my wife. They know each other and the other woman knew I was married and we were not in an emotional relationship it was just a one time thing.


You are correct that it would make reconciling A LOT harder. There are ways to work with that situation, if you decide you do want a relationship with the baby (if it is yours). You would most likely be parallel-parenting, not co-parenting. You can use a third party for pick up/drop offs to avoid contact. You can use apps, such as CoParenter or Talking Parents. Those apps greatly limit the direct contact you have with the other parent. Everything is recorded, they track the schedule and expenses, your wife can see the messages, one has mediators, problem-solving is easier and no conflict, etc.

Just throwing that out there. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, just letting you know there are ways to work with it _if_ you want to.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> I have no choice I have to try and fix the marriage. As for the other woman. If she is convinced that this child is mine i think she should go through proper channels with child support dna etc. From the last two conversations she’s told me to “forget she said anything”. She has slept around a lot and I think she does not know for certain who the father is. But if I am the father, of course I’ll be financially responsible but I am not going to leave my wife or current family. I do not plan on having a relationship with her or child and I will sign over parental rights. My current family of four kids and wife are my top priority as it should have always been. If the child is mine I will consult with my wife and if she wants me to have a relationship with the child and wants me to do the whole visitation etc I will. This may not be fair to the unborn child but ultimately It’s what I think is best for my current wife and kids. I am gaining a sense of clarity about what I need to do to move forward and I don’t know what is the best path for Everything, but I do know that raising the kids in my immediate family and being a better husband to my wife is what’s most important to me.


So your other child (if it's yours)will just get pushed out in the cold, nice. They will know that their dad wasn't interested in them and didn't care about them. Very sad. Part of the marriage restoration needs to include this poor child, and your wife surely knows that. This baby is just as much your child as the ones you had first, and you are 50% responsible for bringing him into being. This child may well be your children's sibling. How will they feel if you deprive them of knowing their little brother or sister?
A lady I used to know had a husband who cheated and got another woman pregnant. He left them for her. My friend was so lovely about it and let their children have a relationship with their little sister.


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## Iwannadie32

I don’t know how they’d feel. If my wife decides she is ok with it then we can work something out but for now I’m already asking so much from her. I don’t know what the future holds on that end and I can’t begin making arrangements until that’s settled. But ultimately if the mom wants me to be responsible for the child she’ll need to prove paternity. I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there.


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> Well I’m ok with being financially responsible. At the end of the day it is what it is. But I can’t co parent with a woman I barely know because we were sexually intimate one time. I feel this relationship would not help me rebuild trust with my wife. They know each other and the other woman knew I was married and we were not in an emotional relationship it was just a one time thing.


There is really no choice but to prove paternity (or not). You cannot move forward if pieces are still moving on the chessboard. It is especially disturbing to first hear you say you're going to be truthful and come clean about everything, but with the exception of the claimed one-night-stand, with a woman your wife knows. I don't get it. Didn't you earlier say your wife knew about this? But now it seems like she really doesn't?

If you're responsible for a kid, one-night-stand or otherwise, you can't ignore that because it would make it difficult to reconcile with your wife. You're at it still, giving her only what you think works in your favor. And with consequences to an innocent child.

Does it annoy you that you got away with all those affairs and one night stands until someone got pregnant? There are many consequences to the type of sexual activities you've engaged in, and that's one of them.

You wrote one post that made it sound like you were on a new path, and then this one, that makes anyone giving much cred to that post feel rather stupid and foolish.


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## Iwannadie32

I told my wife about the one night stand and the possibility of the baby as well as the messages that the ow sent. My wife is aware of all of this. The only thing we don’t know for sure is if the baby is mine or someone else’s. While she was pregnant she claimed someone else was the father and then after she had the baby just sent me the message and asked me to take a dna test because we had the one night stand. I’m not keeping anything away from my wife and she knows all this. I’m just not going to volunteer dna test unless I have to or wife asks me to.


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## Openminded

I hope everything works out for both of you.


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> I told my wife about the one night stand and the possibility of the baby as well as the messages that the ow sent. My wife is aware of all of this. The only thing we don’t know for sure is if the baby is mine or someone else’s. While she was pregnant she claimed someone else was the father and then after she had the baby just sent me the message and asked me to take a dna test because we had the one night stand. I’m not keeping anything away from my wife and she knows all this. I’m just not going to volunteer dna test unless I have to or wife asks me to.


You need to step up and do the DNA test. What possible good can come from lack of clarity on this? Get your life in order TODAY.

Think about this one, hard. Let's say you dodge the DNA test for now. And somehow get things in order with your wife and you reconcile. Could happen. What happens if, 5 years down the road, this woman sues you for a paternity test? IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME.

Two things come from that test. First, old wounds are reopened, just from bringing it up. Do you really want that? Second, if it's a positive match, you're not just opening up old wounds but creating a new one that will never end.

It is in your best interest, and it's the decent thing to do, to find out if it's your kid or not. And any inference that somehow it matters that it was a one-night-stand, in terms of your obligation to the child you might have created, is just way off the charts wrong.

Do the right thing, now, for the right reasons, and your wife may even respect you for finally stepping up and making a positive change in your life. And remember, your affair partner KNOWS your wife. There are no secrets here. You can't hide from this. Take care of it now.


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> Fml I can’t do anything right. I’m not feeling suicidal anymore but I’m feeling guilt and shame. My wife kicked me out and then told me to come home and be a good father to our kids because they don’t deserve a broken home. How do I even begin trying to be a better father when I’m such a POS? It’s like there’s two versions of me. The one the kids see and look up to and the one I really am. How do I destroy who I really am and become who they see and need me to be? I can’t stop crying thinking about how much pain I’ve caused her and the fact that she wants me to stay hurts me even more. That part is what makes me want to die


It seems you've moved beyond wanting to kill yourself. There's also, I believe, a big difference between wanting to die vs kill yourself. I'll admit I've even had thoughts of not caring if I died, but that's way different from wanting to kill myself. Only you can tell us where you are.

Given the direction you've taken the discussion, I think the title is actually misleading and could cause issues for someone who is seriously suicidal and looking for help. Do you think the title is still appropriate, or that it might make sense to change it to something more relevant to the actual discussion? If you do consider yourself suicidal, then by all means leave the title intact and talk about it! But it seems that's not really the core issue of your discussion.


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## bobert

Another thing to consider... If the AP goes for child support in the future you may be required to back pay all the months/years you missed. The laws with that vary by state.

For example, some states would start child support the day the motion was filed (so typically a few months). Other states will go back 2-5 years, or even retroactive to the birth. It can also be judges discretion. You have been told it could be your baby and if you don't do anything about it, that doesn't look good to a judge.

Something to consider. You'd be wise to speak to a family lawyer.


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## Casual Observer

bobert said:


> Another thing to consider... If the AP goes for child support in the future you may be required to back pay all the months/years you missed. The laws with that vary by state.
> 
> For example, some states would start child support the day the motion was filed (so typically a few months). Other states will go back 2-5 years, or even retroactive to the birth. It can also be judges discretion. You have been told it could be your baby and if you don't do anything about it, that doesn't look good to a judge.
> 
> Something to consider. You'd be wise to speak to a family lawyer.


I agree with everything except... yes, he should speak with a lawyer, but his own salvation, and I don't mean that in a religious sense (although it would apply there as well), would come from doing the right thing, not doing whatever he can to minimize his obligations.


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## bobert

Casual Observer said:


> I agree with everything except... yes, he should speak with a lawyer, but his own salvation, and I don't mean that in a religious sense (although it would apply there as well), would come from doing the right thing, not doing whatever he can to minimize his obligations.


I agree that he shouldn't be trying to minimize his obligations. 

I also agree that it should be dealt with now so that it doesn't come back up later. It would cause a lot of damage, potentially enough to end the marriage.


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## Diana7

I agree with the above posters, getting a test done now so that you know for sure is the right thing. If the baby isnt yours, you can put that aspect behind you, if the baby is yours you can do the right thing and step up to be a responsible father, financially and in other ways. Its not about what the OW or your wife says, its about what is the right and decent thing to do. There is a childs life and happiness at stake here and whoever fathered him is responsible. He/she is your childrens potential brother or sister.


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## MattMatt

@Iwannadie32 Here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

*Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK*


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## Iwannadie32

So she has asked me to stay while we figure things out and I’ve been sleeping on the floor. Last night on my way home I got a text message from one of the flings letting me know that my wife had reached out to her etc etc. At first I was upset to myself that my wife would reach out to her but then I realized I don’t care about my fling, and my wife has every right to do whatever she wants. I came home bathed and changed and we talked like normal about things, I was on the floor and she asked me to come in the bed to give her a hug, (which I did) and she used that opportunity to tell me she had reached out to those girls and she spent some time tearing me a new one. I explained that I had got a message and that I didn’t care how those girls felt and that she was entitled to do anything she wanted. I came clean 100% a few days ago and I don’t have anything left to hide and I don’t want to create new things to hide at all. She stayed up berating me and telling me how disappointed she is in me and how embarrassed and ashamed she’s going to feel about the baby. I showed her the messages from the OW and it’s clear from the messages the OW either has no clue who the baby father is, or she thinks it’s me but doesn’t want anything to do with me as she said in one of the messages (I have no interest in you, I haven’t told anyone that you’re the dad, I don’t want to talk about who the dad is because I’m tired of talking about THAT ISSUE.). I think her family has berated her about who the dad is and she just doesn’t know and maybe she’s just tired of talking about it. I told my wife I don’t want anything to do with the baby etc, but if she wanted me to I would def 100% take a dna test to help start the healing process etc. She said she doesn’t want me to talk to the OW at all and if the OW reached out again to tell her immediately which I will do. In total the OW reached out to me once initially and asked about dna test which I said no and she was like “ok forget it whatever”, and the second time I reached out to the OW and basically asked her if she was going around telling people that she thought I was the dad, and she said “no why would I do something stupid like that I have no interest in you etc”. Idk if I’m the dad or not but it’s clear that my wife is not going to be able to heal properly until that’s settled but she’s asked me not to reach out. My wife stayed up berating me and had to go to work and sent a message where she said she feels like she wants to take the kids and just drive far away. The OW mother lives two doors down. I think I should leave because that’s part of the healing process. But she doesn’t want me to because she thinks that leaving would make me happy. In other words she doesn’t feel like it would be a “consequence” or “punishment” for infidelity. The book says she needs space and that’s why I’ve been sleeping on floor and not touching her etc. I made up my mind to live and work and dedicate myself to this new me. This morning starts day3 since I have not eaten, watched porn, or had an orgasm. I feel strong and clear minded. But I’m not sure if I should leave despite her asking me not to. I know she doesn’t want to tell the kids anything yet. Should I leave anyway so that she has space???


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## bobert

For your wife's sake, if nothing else, you need to do the DNA test. She NEEDS to know if you are the father, otherwise it will haunt her forever. If you find out in 2, 3, 5, 10 years that you are the father, it will rip open these wounds and feel just as bad as it does right now. Do you want to go through this healing process once, or twice? 

Your wife doesn't want you to have contact with the OW, that's fine. A DNA test can be done without having direct contact. 

As for your wife wanting to "take the kids and drive far away". No ****! You've destroyed her world. She will feel things like this for a long time. It takes YEARS to heal from infidelity. They say 2-5, but the worse the betrayal the longer it takes - so don't be hoping for the smaller number. She will also go back and forth on what she wants MANY times. Listen to her when she talks like that and validate her feelings. 

And lastly, should you leave? Not if she doesn't want you to but the second she wants you to leave, it's time to give her space. She calls the shots now, not you. 

How about you buy this book for your wife to read. She may not want to read it right now but buy it anyway so that you have it when she's ready. After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful: Spring, Janis A.: 9780063045293: Amazon.com: Books

PS, going 3 days without eating is NOT healthy. Please, even if you have no appetite, eat something.


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## Diana7

I agree with Bobert, you need to find out if the baby is yours. For everyones sakes. Not least for the poor little baby who no one seems to care about or want to take responsibility for. If he is yours you are 50% responsibile for him, he didnt ask to be born and you need to man up and do the right thing. 
I think its very odd that she thinks you staying is punishing you and leaving isnt . I barely know you and I know that the last thing you want to do is leave.
Personally I think that a set time of separation is best for her to be able to think with a clear head about what she wants next, but for whatever reason she doesn't want that because she thinks you want it. The older children will know full well that something is going on, they are not stupid. They will probably be imagining all sorts of horrible things. They need to know in an age appropriate way.


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## Iwannadie32

I don’t know anything anymore. My mood changes so much and I just don’t know. It feels like a dream. Yesterday it seemed pretty clear that we won’t survive this baby. I completely understand. I know people think I should raise the baby because I had the baby. But no. I can’t be a part of another kids life. I want to buy my wife a house away from the neighborhood so they can move into. Then at that point I will walk away and take dna test.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> I don’t know anything anymore. My mood changes so much and I just don’t know. It feels like a dream. Yesterday it seemed pretty clear that we won’t survive this baby. I completely understand. I know people think I should raise the baby because I had the baby. But no. I can’t be a part of another kids life. I want to buy my wife a house away from the neighborhood so they can move into. Then at that point I will walk away and take dna test.


No one says that you should raise the baby, but that you find out if its yours and if he is then at least pay child maintenance and see the child on a regular basis(a say once a month) so that at least he knows who his father is. Honestly I would have no respect for a man I was married to who had sex with another woman and then abandoned the baby he helped create. Its all part of living with the consequences of what you have done. Would it be hard for me, absolutely, but its the right thing.
Does you wife want to leave your home? Do your children want to leave their friends and schools? I would have thought the security of the home is what they need right now.


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## Diana7

OH and another thing that occured to me. Can you honestly say that you can remain married for the rest of your life and never ever have sex with another woman or go to massage parlour ever again. Be honest. If the answer is no, then you need to tell you wife and see what she says. Dont make any promises that you cant keep.


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## Iwannadie32

She wants to leave that neighborhood because OW visits her mom two houses down. She feels humiliated and she’s right. She wants to leave town period. We were in the process of buying a new home and are supposed to close in January. I will pay child support if I have to that’s for sure. But the child deserves a father who will love it and it can’t be me. I’m dealing with my own demons, depression anxiety I cry in the middle of my work day. I feel very weak right now. How could I take care of a baby this way? I feel I’ve lost everything that mean anything and yeah it’s too late to go back in time I get that. But how could I care for another if I can’t care for myself ?


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## Iwannadie32

Diana7 said:


> OH and another thing that occured to me. Can you honestly say that you can remain married for the rest of your life and never ever have sex with another woman or go to massage parlour ever again. Be honest. If the answer is no, then you need to tell you wife and see what she says. Dont make any promises that you cant keep.


I can say yes. I’m scared to go to prison or catch an STD. I have been reading the book on building trust, I’m doing everything and have therapy scheduled. I know I’m dealing with addiction and in my heart. It’s either raise my 4 kids and be the best person I can be with therapy and honesty and integrity. Or put a bullet in my head. I’m that over my own BS.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> I don’t know anything anymore. My mood changes so much and I just don’t know. It feels like a dream. Yesterday it seemed pretty clear that we won’t survive this baby. I completely understand. I know people think I should raise the baby because I had the baby. But no. I can’t be a part of another kids life. I want to buy my wife a house away from the neighborhood so they can move into. Then at that point I will walk away and take dna test.


If I knocked up my ONS or god forbid a different one that lasted longer, I'd want to just run away from it all too, and I'm raising my wife's affair child... so it's not totally unfamiliar territory for me. But seriously, I'd want to run away too. Even just the thought of that is too much. 

Here's the thing... That is what you have spent your whole adult life doing. Running away from your problems and addictions rather than facing them head-on. 

It's time to deal with these problems, not run away from them. So far you have been doing that (buying the book, confessing, booking therapy, etc). Don't stop now.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> She wants to leave that neighborhood because OW visits her mom two houses down. She feels humiliated and she’s right. She wants to leave town period.


Your wife has every right to want to move, and it would be a wise decision.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> But the child deserves a father who will love it and it can’t be me. I’m dealing with my own demons, depression anxiety I cry in the middle of my work day. I feel very weak right now. How could I take care of a baby this way? I feel I’ve lost everything that mean anything and yeah it’s too late to go back in time I get that. But how could I care for another if I can’t care for myself ?


If you are able to take care of the four children you have with your wife, then you are able to take care of another one of your children. If your wife had another baby right now, would you be unable to care for it? I'm guessing no, you'd make it work. If you want to be in this baby's life (IF it's even yours) then you could make it happen. The first step is to do the DNA test so you know if you even have to be worrying about this or not.

As for the depression and anxiety, are you on medication for that? If not it would be wise to talk to your doctor about medications.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> I can say yes. I’m scared to go to prison or catch an STD. I have been reading the book on building trust, I’m doing everything and have therapy scheduled. I know I’m dealing with addiction and in my heart. It’s either raise my 4 kids and be the best person I can be with therapy and honesty and integrity. Or put a bullet in my head. I’m that over my own BS.


Why would you go to prison for cheating? Remebrr you have risked catching an std many times and it seems you werent scared then.


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## Iwannadie32

Prison for massage parlors etc. Truthfully I could flip a switch and not care about anything. It would probably be easier but the whole process of trying to be a better person is what has me feeling all kinds of ways. I know no one believes a cheater when they say he won’t cheat. Or a liar when he says hes not lying. All I can do is one day at a time with the honesty. I haven’t even had an erection in like 3 days. Not even the morning one.


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## Iwannadie32

I feel like I still have a future and I’m optimistic about improving on myself.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> She wants to leave that neighborhood because OW visits her mom two houses down. She feels humiliated and she’s right. She wants to leave town period. We were in the process of buying a new home and are supposed to close in January. I will pay child support if I have to that’s for sure. But the child deserves a father who will love it and it can’t be me. I’m dealing with my own demons, depression anxiety I cry in the middle of my work day. I feel very weak right now. How could I take care of a baby this way? I feel I’ve lost everything that mean anything and yeah it’s too late to go back in time I get that. But how could I care for another if I can’t care for myself ?


You are feeling the way you are because of the consequences of what you have done. Yes you can care for yourself, you have been doing it for years even though you were cheating. Of course you feel low, you have almost wrecked your family. What did you expect? The baby will be dependant on parents for many years not just right now, stop making excuses and man up.
Does your 14 year old want to leave town? All their friends? Their school? Clubs? I would have hated to move away at that age. What about the others? Does you wife not have her own friends she will be leaving?


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> I can say yes. I’m scared to go to prison or catch an STD. I have been reading the book on building trust, I’m doing everything and have therapy scheduled. I know I’m dealing with addiction and in my heart. It’s either raise my 4 kids and be the best person I can be with therapy and honesty and integrity. *Or put a bullet in my head. * I’m that over my own BS.


If you feel that suicide is an option, you should start a separate thread on that alone, in the appropriate place. You should also look back to @MattMatt 's post where he provided some resources. I know; I was the person who suggested retitling the thread because it wasn't really about suicide, and would misdirect people. But if you're feeling like a permanent exit is more than a fleeting thought, get help. Don't hide this from your counselor. 

Nobody comes out ahead if you take your own life. No matter what terrible things you've done, nobody here would wish that upon you. You have people to take care of. You have skills that allow you to make a living and support those who depend on you. You should focus on what you have to offer, and be grateful and get to work on using your abilities in the best-way possible.


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## Iwannadie32

Diana7 said:


> You are feeling the way you are because of the consequences of what you have done. Yes you can care for yourself, you have been doing it for years even though you were cheating. Of course you feel low, you have almost wrecked your family. What did you expect? The baby will be dependant on parents for many years not just right now, stop making excuses and man up.


Im just not gonna raise another kid. I’ll pay $ whatever but at the end of the day how is relinquishing parental duties any different than when people put kids up for adoption because they deserve a better future ? What kind of future could I offer the product of a mistake that ended up costing me my marriage and the kids I’ve spent half my life raising?


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## Casual Observer

Iwannadie32 said:


> Im just not gonna raise another kid. I’ll pay $ whatever but at the end of the day how is relinquishing parental duties any different than when people put kids up for adoption because they deserve a better future ? What kind of future could I offer the product of a mistake that ended up costing me my marriage and the kids I’ve spent half my life raising?


We don't know you, we don't know the mother. Saying what's best for the kid is tough. Standing up to the responsibility of financially supporting a kid is a good first step though. 

Part of this is all about consequences. You've gotten through life, so far, without paying much attention to consequences. Somehow they didn't catch up to you, until now. But sex has consequences. All sex, whether a ONS or with your wife. You had previously mentioned jail time as something to avoid in the future. So part of you does understand consequences. And the reason you understand that particular consequence is because it caught up to you, so you've changed. This kid you may have created... that's a consequence that might change you for the better.


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## bobert

Iwannadie32 said:


> Im just not gonna raise another kid. I’ll pay $ whatever but at the end of the day how is relinquishing parental duties any different than when people put kids up for adoption because they deserve a better future ? What kind of future could I offer the product of a mistake that ended up costing me my marriage and the kids I’ve spent half my life raising?


Well, the difference between opting out of fatherhood and placing a child for adoption is that with adoption the child is generally placed with two stable parents. 

For the record, that resentment towards the affair child can fade over time.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> Prison for massage parlors etc. Truthfully I could flip a switch and not care about anything. It would probably be easier but the whole process of trying to be a better person is what has me feeling all kinds of ways. I know no one believes a cheater when they say he won’t cheat. Or a liar when he says hes not lying. All I can do is one day at a time with the honesty. I haven’t even had an erection in like 3 days. Not even the morning one.


Yes it is hrd to believe someone who has cheated countless times yes. My dad cheated, dont know how many times. 
I am sure on the two previous occasions that your wife did know you promised not to do it again yet you did. I hope you dont, but its not going to be at all easy as time passes. Its a shame that your wife wasnt firmer then as you just carried on cheating.


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## Diana7

Iwannadie32 said:


> Im just not gonna raise another kid. I’ll pay $ whatever but at the end of the day how is relinquishing parental duties any different than when people put kids up for adoption because they deserve a better future ? What kind of future could I offer the product of a mistake that ended up costing me my marriage and the kids I’ve spent half my life raising?


They are not a 'product', they are a child. A poor innocent child who is caught up in this mess though no fault of their own. A child who has 4 siblings who he/she may never get to know. If I was one of your children I would want to know my sibling and I would not be happy if I found out later that I wasnt told.


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## Iwannadie32

I have decided that I’m gonna continue striving, doing therapy and working on me. I’ll be a good father to the kids I know are my kids for sure. And if one day I find out other kids are mine for sure I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Best I can do is work on me and making sure I never ever cheat again.


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## Casual Observer

John Cross said:


> Brother you should listen to this advice it is starting to work for me and my wife find out details here. Hope it works for you.🤞


Listen to which advice before sending him over to a website asking for money? Are you affiliated with that website?


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## Divinely Favored

bobert said:


> Another thing to consider... If the AP goes for child support in the future you may be required to back pay all the months/years you missed. The laws with that vary by state.
> 
> For example, some states would start child support the day the motion was filed (so typically a few months). Other states will go back 2-5 years, or even retroactive to the birth. It can also be judges discretion. You have been told it could be your baby and if you don't do anything about it, that doesn't look good to a judge.
> 
> Something to consider. You'd be wise to speak to a family lawyer.



If in Texas and she files for CS she could get a third of your income. You and your family would havr to live on 2/3. Even of you are not the father until you go to court to contest the DNA if you are not father. 

Arr you ok with having 1/3 of your wages garnished by the state for a year. If not the father...you still will not get your wages back.

Get ahead of this now! Get the DNA test done so you know.


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## Talker67

sounds like the only way to convince her to stay is to put your member in one of those metal cages, lock it, and give her the only key to wear around her neck


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