# No Conscience, No Compassion, No Clue



## KnightMaster (May 18, 2011)

My wife cheated with a co worker. Thousands of texts per month were exchanged. After I found out she claimed they were just friends. She responded by telling me she did not want to be with me and had been planning to leave me for over a year. She refused to unlock her phone or pc.

What followed was months of threatening to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing; lying to her friends and family that I was a controlling, paranoid, neurotic weak man, I begged her for months to tell me she had met him as I had phone records indicating so. She finally admitted that yes they had met on the night in question. During that night they texted and called each other dozens of times. There were 3 unexplained hours that he did not text her, she did not text him, did not answer my texts or answer the calls or texts from the girlfriend that she supposedly was with. After the three hours they started calling and texting each other until she arrived home at 4:20 am. During those 3 hours of unexplained phone inactivity she claimed they met for 30 minutes, had one drink, a kiss and then he left to attend a party. The week following their rendezvous they exchanged over 200 texts per day, starting the very next morning at 9am-sometimes until 3am-including more photos.

I asked her why she did not tell me. She claimed she feared I would leave her. I asked her if there was anything else she needed to tell me. I assured her I would not leave her. She lied again and said “no.” She promised me she would never text a single man or hide any conversations from me. She unlocked her phone and pc. Then, I found out through looking through her phone facebook account that she invited him to text or email her again, days after our talk.

For the next 3 months there were more threats to leave; berating me; mocking me for accusing her of wrongdoing suggestions of separation, etc…

I finally bluffed her and told her that I had a forensic specialist check out her phone, I asked her, “Is there anything else I should know?” She admitted to inappropriate texting, sending him inappropriate semi nude photos, and telling him she would find a way to be with him while I watched our children. She still cannot explain the missing 3 hours and will not admit she spent them with him.

When I asked her in counseling what it was she got from him she claimed, “He cared about me and asked me how my day was.” After months of talking (mostly me speaking to pure logic) she finally admitted that he did not really care and only pretended to, for the purpose of having sex at some point. I had asked for months that she write/text him a “no contact” letter. After refusing for 6 months, she finally sent it. In the letter she spoke of her poor decisions, how much she hurt me and our family, how she loved me and how she would spend the rest of her life trying to regain her integrity and make it up to me and our children.

She has not apologized to me. She claims she has. I suggested writing me a letter so as to not keep having this argument over whether or not she has apologized. She has not written me anything concerning her actions.

Recently she hugged me and said “I’m sorry, I was so selfish. I love you dearly and I will do anything to prove it.”

She claims this all happened because I neglected her emotionally and physically. She has also admitted it is she who cannot show emotion or talk about her feelings. 

Our couples therapist (3rd one) tells me I am doing a good job in not pressuring her to talk about this. I told him I think my wife has a personality disorder. He said “that is accusatory and isn’t a very productive statement.” It has been a year. I grow more angry and weary daily.

I will say she does whatever-and I mean WHATEVER-I want her to do…except admit the physical part of her affair.

I am 50 now, fairly good looking or so I am told. I just don't want to leave her-I want to continue to help her be a better person and I DON'T want our daughter to end up like her mother-emotionally challenged. I recently told her I am scheduling a polygraph. She chuckled and said "sure!" I can't wait for to spend $500 to get her to admit what I already know or refute the exam findings.

What I want is her admission. I have asked her thousands of times "can't you just tell me one thing to let me know you are being honest and transparent with me? Can't you just tell me one thing to let me know I can begin to trust you again?" The answer is always "No."

She says she has apologized, she has not. She is realizing things but very slowly. She first said she has emotional issues. At the therapist office she claims she is no different from anyone else. I feel disapointed in her "version" of reality. Even recent history. I am hurt by her inability to make herself vulnerable. Every day I get more angry and feel less willing to help her. I have done meditation, been to counseling. I am done.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's over 12, she's old enough to accept responsibility for her actions and to behave as a decent human being. If she's under 12, you should be in prison. Assuming she's over 12 but lacks even minimum standards of human decency, she doesn't sound like someone likely to add much to your life. You obviously can't trust her and the job of training her to be a decent human being was something her parents should have done. If she didn't get that before age 4 you probably won't have much success. At age 50, I don't believe I'd waste a lot of time trying to transform what sounds like a sociopath into a responsible human being. That's just me. Notice this: She was unfaithful - strike one She admitted intending to leave you for over a year - strike two. Even after caught in her infidelity, she threatened to leave - strike 3. She blamed your alleged lack of attention for her character failure - strike 4, she blamed alleged "emotional issues" for her treacherous choices - strike 5. She STILL has yet to confess - strike 6. Knowing how painful this is for you, she has the audacity to actually chuckle at the prospect of a poly - strike 7. Whether he stuck his whatzit in her whatzit is immaterial. She was serially unfaithful to you and she has been serially unremorseful. What, in this scenario, is worth investing another day of your life into?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Let it go, man. Did you ever hear of the 'Three Jesus Study'? Years ago some researchers wanted to examine delusional paranoia so they took three patients who all believed they were Jesus and they made them live together for weeks and weeks. The theory was that being confronted with such obvious cognitive dissonance would cause them to realize they were ill. After that phase of the study was done the researchers interviewed all three patients and EVERY one of them claimed that they were in fact Jesus and the other two guys were insane.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

KM, if you've asked thousands of times, and she still won't admit it, you'll NEVER get her to admit it.

I'm assuming, of course, that you have irrefutable, rock solid evidence that she slept with him?

And as far as the chuckling at the prospect of a poly? Of course, she'll just threaten you, berate you and mock you so that you'll call it off, or find some other way to weasel out of it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

And one more thing: Get rid of this idiot therapist. You don't get past this by not talking about it.

While my wife did not have an EA, there were years of destructive behavior that really tore us down. She's bipolar. On a particular day, she might eventually concede that this behavior was destructive, only to try and suggest that it was innocent the next. Each time she conceded, though, it was because she displayed that behavior, and I called her on it. After an hour of arguing, defending herself, she would admit it out of the blue. Whenever she would ask what I needed to get past this, I told her clearly that I needed her to show that she understands that her behavior was destructive. She would always say, "I already did". 


We're not talking about innocent behaviors, either. Its comments about hating me, or that she wished that she had died instead of marrying. After a while though, she could never point to a single thing that was said or done to make her hold that type of feelings, and she would have a clear moment where she realized that it was a bipolar reaction. Because she has clarity later, I just need her to own up to it. People don't just say things like that and shrug them off.

I think that's similar to the way you feel. Something as serious as an emotional affair needs to be reconciled in a clear and distinct way.


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## maxter (May 24, 2011)

KM-
Wow! You and I could be living parallel lives. Your story sounds erily similar to my situation. However mine has been going on for 3yrs. I have the same problems. I found evidence of the EA, confronted her many times, she backs off and promises never to do it again only to start up weeks or months later. Cycle repeats. The last year seemed to be going much better for us at least on the surface but found out in May she was still in contact with the OM. And found evidence of PA. PA really struck a cord within me. That was some awful pain. What really kills me is even when confronted with hard evidence she will NOT admit to any kind of affair. They are only friends. They only kissed. Effing bull$hit!

I too want her to 'confess' to the affair. For some reason it's something I need for closure. I need her to take ownership of what she's done to me and our family. Her smug and indifferent attitude just makes my blood boil. I suppose shes afraid that once she admits it I will say 'gotcha' and just pull the plug. But that's not the case at all and I've told her that. I still want to R if possible. Just keep waiting on her to be ready and I'm worn out after 3yrs of this crap.

I've recently come to realize with the help of this forum that I've been a doormat for a long time and will be ending this farce in the fall when some financial things fall into place that allow me to get my own place. I've stuck it out through thick and thin mainly for our two girls sake and because I still love her but enough is enough!

I've been in IC for the whole 3yr timeframe and have made significant improvements in myself. I've taken responsibility for the terrible actions and inaction on my part that contributed to the failure of our marriage. She even admits I've come a long way. But I guess it's not good enough to stay with me.

Anyway, I feel for you and your situation and pray things work out for the best no matter which way it turns. Take care.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

KM, well, this may not help but I am curious since you seem to be so sure that she did spend the 3 unaccounted hours with him (and from your post, it sure seems that way). I noticed you said she mentioned being with him for 30 mins and then went to a party. I assume you already asked her, what party and who was there. Seems to me that going to a party was an on the spot excuse and usually not a very good one since that means she would have been seen there by others that could corroborate her story. I know, sounds like putting her on the stand but um, yeah, in 36 years of marriage my wife never just showed up at 4:20am without letting me know where she had been. And maybe she came in that late once at most. I did not ask her where she was either, I trusted and respected her more than that.


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## KnightMaster (May 18, 2011)

>Brighterlight-
She said HE left the bar where she met him and HE left her at the bar and HE went to a party. Sorry I didnt stipulate. What are the odds of him calling right after she started calling her GF?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

This is just my opinion.

Leave and divorce her - period.

She has NO respect, NO love, NO compassion, NO caring and she doesn't want you for anything more than a checkbook.

Get the hell out of Dodge (meaning the marriage), and let her be who she wants to be...

Meanwhile, you can become who YOU want to be....


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lonelyhusband321 said:


> This is just my opinion.
> 
> Leave and divorce her - period.
> 
> ...


LH.... look at the dates. 

ZOMBIE thread.


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