# MALE orgasm problem .



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Hello, last 10 years I have issues with orgasm when I have sex . I simply can't finish if I don't help my self with my hand and that is affecting not only me but my female partners too. 
I think is mental issue rather then physical . What should I do ? Sex therapy ? How to find reliable therapist ? My ex told me that was one of the biggest issues for her and that is bothering me very much.

Thanks.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Do you masturbate a lot? If so, you might have gotten used to the rhythm and pressure of your hand. A vagina can't match that.

Lay off the masturbation for a few weeks and see if that helps with your sensitivity.

Also, try fantasizing during sex. That can help tip you over the edge, too.

And, this may not be your cup of tea, but I've heard a finger in your butt to massage your prostate can make a guy come pretty quick.

And lay off the alcohol if you're having sex that night. Drinking too much can make it harder to orgasm.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Is it just during vaginal sex, or is it in other forms as well, such as oral?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't masturbate allot . Alcohol can be yes , what about something mental ? Can I have some mental issues ?

Kingfan , all kind of sex.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Can you orgasm easily through masturbation, or is it a struggle then too?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Can you orgasm easily through masturbation, or is it a struggle then too?


Yes, through masturbation is very easy .


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Then it's likely one of two things (or a combo of them).

1) It's a mental issue

2) The feel of your hand (or whatever you use) and the lubricant has become a feeling you have grown more fond of.

Since you say you don't masturbate often, I assume it's more a mental problem.

Do you find sex stressful?


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Time to retrain yourself. Sounds like the problem is you may vicegrip your penis when masturbating, ease up, use lube and imitate a vagina. I don't have a penis, but I've seen the advice before by men who used to have this exact problem.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

I don't find sex stressful ,I enjoy it but can't finish . I don't use lubricant at all.
What mental could be ? I contacted a therapist but haven't heard from her.

ScaredandUnsure , where can I find more info about it ?


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> Time to retrain yourself. Sounds like the problem is you may vicegrip your penis when masturbating, ease up, use lube and imitate a vagina. I don't have a penis, but I've seen the advice before by men who used to have this exact problem.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Gargamel said:


> I don't find sex stressful ,I enjoy it but can't finish . What mental could be ? I contacted a therapist but haven't heard from her.
> 
> ScaredandUnsure , where can I find more info about it ?


You can try looking through other forums for men. Try googling it also. I'm sure there are many sites you can go to for information  I mean I could be wrong, but since you said when you do masturbate, you can orgasm easily. I don't really have a source anymore, the board I used to go to has been shut down for years.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> I don't find sex stressful ,I enjoy it but can't finish . I don't use lubricant at all.
> What mental could be ? I contacted a therapist but haven't heard from her.
> 
> ScaredandUnsure , where can I find more info about it ?


Maybe you don't find sex itself stressful, but do put pressure on yourself to orgasm during sex? If so, that could be a stressor right there. 

Same if you feel like your partner is expecting you to orgasm, or doesn't like that you have to pull out and finish by hand. That could be causing you stress as well.

When you pull out to finish by hand, where do you orgasm? On her? If so, could that be a part of sex that you enjoy and thus maybe something you're unknowingly holding out for?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Until today the day I never knew that is a big problem for a woman. She said her self esteem went down because she thought I don't find her sexy enough to even finish . I always find her very sexy.
Also my GF pushed me last weekend to finish anyhow and I did it by hand. 

I never feel any stress that I have to finish . 
Finish wherever , that wasn't a big deal .


----------



## Revel (Mar 13, 2012)

Are you taking any medications, especially antidepressants, antihistamines, or blood pressure medication?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Only blood pressure medication but the problem occurred way before I toke any medications .


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How long can you go without orgasming? Are we talking hours?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

if I don't help my self with hand I can't finish . I find online it is called Delayed Ejaculation and is scare ! OMG I hope it is something that can be cured !


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

so if you have sex and you don't 'finish' do you go and finish yourself off after every time? 

Maybe try not ever finishing yourself off and seeing if after a few times it'll happen.


----------



## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Gargamel said:


> if I don't help my self with hand I can't finish . I find online it is called Delayed Ejaculation and is scare ! OMG I hope it is something that can be cured !


Have you talked to your doctor about it? If not, that's a good place to start. I wouldn't start stressing out over it, that will only become a whole 'nother issue. Calm down, make an appointment and discuss it with the doctor. I would guess this would be an issue for a urologist? Just don't go in to panic mode.

ETA: It could be delayed ejaculation, it could be a friction issue, there are several things it could be. I'm actually looking it up now. If I find any helpful links, I will PM them to you.


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

When you finish are you pulling out? Or is this even while wearing a condom. When I pull out I normally need to keep the stimulation going with my hand to cum fully.

There was a post on the MSSL blog about Delayed Ejaculation. Basically the solution was not to have any orgasms at all until you manage to cum without your hand. The longer it has been since you cum the easier it will be. OTOH if you keep relieving yourself with your hand you never get the experience of cumming the way you want, and your brain doesn't ever get the chance to retrain.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

And us guys on the other end of the orgasm spectrum groan...


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OP I am not a man and don't know much about the mechanics of it all but one thing in your posts stood out and that is your GF attitude towards this.

I think it would help to sit down and discuss this like adults. If it is a mental thing then you need her to be supportive. The more pressure she puts on you the bigger this problem could become.

I went through a bit of a bad stage in regard to not being able to O so easily which I think was due to stress and some pretty big life issues that my partner and I were dealing with.
Anyway he was kind and caring and we just worked through it all and now the big O is back and better than ever.

One thing that helped was to take the pressure off having sex just to reach an O. Sex can be fantastic even without an orgasm, just the closeness can be amazing.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

No condom no friction issue .It is ongoing problem and for awhile now. She sound very supportive and willing to work with me. 
Here a good article about it Delayed ejaculation (retarded ejaculation) that gives me hopes .

I'll try the hypnotherapy since I don't have anything to lose , I'll try Amazon.com: Delayed Ejaculation Hypnotherapy: Anthony Fenech: Official Music

Waiting to hear from two therapists and go from there . Meanwhile every help or suggestion is very welcome.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

> Alternatively, men with RE sometimes indicate greater arousal and enjoyment from masturbation than from intercourse. Such an “autosexual” orientation may involve an idiosyncratic and vigorous masturbation style—carried out with high frequency. An “idiosyncratic” masturbation style is one that is not easily duplicated by their partner's hand, mouth, or vagina. Specifically, many men with RE engage in self-stimulation that is striking in the speed, pressure, duration, and intensity necessary to produce an orgasm, and dissimilar to what they experience with a partner. Disparity between the reality of sex with the partner and the sexual fantasy (whether or not unconventional) used during masturbation is another potential cause of RE.


I think this is what best describes my situation . Any suggestions about it ? I'm waiting for the phone call from the therapist , she confirmed she'll call me today.

ETA , the article where I found the description Understanding and Treating Retarded Ejaculation: A Sex Therapist


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Delayed ejaculation - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> I think this is what best describes my situation . Any suggestions about it ? I'm waiting for the phone call from the therapist , she confirmed she'll call me today.
> 
> ETA , the article where I found the description Understanding and Treating Retarded Ejaculation: A Sex Therapist


I think once again that a possible solution is to swear off masturbation completely for a while (likely a few months) and try to solely orgasm through intercourse.

You said that you haven't orgasmed this way in about 10 years. This indicates two things:

1) You have orgasmed through intercourse before, so it is possible for you;

2) Your mind is likely adjusted to orgasming via hand stimulation, and you need to retrain your brain to want to orgasm vaginally, or otherwise.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Last time I orgasmed through intercourse before was 8 years ago to the day ( almost ) . I'll NOT masturbate and NOT drink alcohol at all , and I don't do drugs anyways.
Do you know if any tricks are available to retrain my brain to want to orgasm vaginally ?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

first and foremost, see a urologist and see if it's anything physical


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> Last time I orgasmed through intercourse before was 8 years ago to the day ( almost ) . I'll NOT masturbate and NOT drink alcohol at all , and I don't do drugs anyways.
> Do you know if any tricks are available to retrain my brain to want to orgasm vaginally ?


What stimulates you sexually?

If porn gets you going example, try watching a lot of it a for a few days before sex. Maybe if you get your motor revving high enough you'll bust no matter what.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> first and foremost, see a urologist and see if it's anything physical


I don't have troubles finishing by hand, I can even do it very fast. I have sometimes troubles to urinate but if I want to ejaculate there is no issue at all, the problem is to finish vaginaly .


kingsfan, I don't have a troubles with erection , I can get it hard just by thinking of sexual acts . Porn turn me on for sure but I don't need it necessarily. 
I'm more and more convinced that is some sort of mental blockage somewhere and that is scare


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> kingsfan, I don't have a troubles with erection , I can get it hard just by thinking of sexual acts . Porn turn me on for sure but I don't need it necessarily.
> I'm more and more convinced that is some sort of mental blockage somewhere and that is scare


I wasn't referring to you getting it up.

I'm talking about building your pressure up. Have you not ever been so horny you just HAD to have sex? Say been away from your partner for a few weeks and you've been just craving her for days and days?

Do what you need to to get to that stage, where you feel like if you don't have sex soon you'll explode. So cut off sex for a while and start doing whatever you can to get yourself in the mood. Anything that turns you on, go overboard on it. Go down on her, have her go down on you, do everything and anything to turn you on. But no sex and no masturbation.

When you get to that point where you just HAVE to have it, then have sex. Maybe all the pressure and desire will boil over and let you ejaculate vaginally.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I agree with Ar. See a urologist to make sure there is no physical problem.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I wasn't referring to you getting it up.
> 
> I'm talking about building your pressure up. Have you not ever been so horny you just HAD to have sex? Say been away from your partner for a few weeks and you've been just craving her for days and days?
> 
> ...


Do you think 2 weeks is enough to not have a sex ?


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> Do you think 2 weeks is enough to not have a sex ?


For me, yes.

What it is for you, no idea. You might need it badly after a few days, or a few months. Only you know how long you'd need to abstain before your urges became to hard to control.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how old are you?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> how old are you?


41 , why ?

I think 2 weeks will be good starting point , let say New Years eve will be 16 days . But you're saying even I can't finish not to help my self with the hand , correct ?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gargamel said:


> 41 , why ?
> 
> I think 2 weeks will be good starting point , let say New Years eve will be 16 days . But you're saying even I can't finish not to help my self with the hand , correct ?


Age can be an issue in many things. If you were 65, 75 then the issues could be very different than at your current age.

Here is a video that might give you some info that will help you. I don't know if it applies. But you can decide that for yourself.

The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow - YouTube


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> 41 , why ?
> 
> I think 2 weeks will be good starting point , let say New Years eve will be 16 days . But you're saying even I can't finish not to help my self with the hand , correct ?


correct.

I think you are wrong to set a date to it though. Just go with it. Eventually, you'll be busting at the seams wanting sex, just itching to get it. That could take 2 days, 12 days, 22 days. Your body will let you know, so when you are just crazy wanting it, then go for it.

Also, if it hurts when you orgasm, it could be a case of blue balls, which happens when you go without it even though you really want it. Don't let this make you believe something is wrong. You're just trying to get the pipes working again, there will be a little graoning involved before all is back to normal.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

Thank you for the video . I I can remember two occasions when I was scared of sex, one was using a condom another one when I was scared not to make my GF pregnant , all this like 10 y-a .If that make sense .

Never hurts having orgasm , is very enjoyable but just have to do it by hand  
I said new years eve because we'll be in a great hotel and that is associated with intimacy and if she ask me for sex I can't deny on such occasion .


----------



## dan_1982JB (Dec 20, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> Thank you for the video . I I can remember two occasions when I was scared of sex, one was using a condom another one when I was scared not to make my GF pregnant , all this like 10 y-a .If that make sense .
> 
> Never hurts having orgasm , is very enjoyable but just have to do it by hand
> I said new years eve because we'll be in a great hotel and that is associated with intimacy and if she ask me for sex I can't deny on such occasion .


It sounds a mental problem.You can can masturbate normally without problems.
You should relax and not force you to finish ,think about it make more difficult.Same as people with the opossite problem : cum too fast.
Make and enjoy sex without expectations,without thoughts.

I read you was searching hipnosis,if you wanna try i recommend go a expert therapyst.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Time to get a fleshlight or otherwise simulate the softness of a vagina.

Do NOT use whatever method of masturbation you've been using. It sounds like you've trained yourself to trigger off of something that you can't get from intercourse.

Swear off giving yourself any orgasm like that. You might not orgasm a few times, but eventually enough tension will be built up and your body will figure out what it needs to respond to. You've been programming this behavior for a long time, expect it to take a long time to re-program.


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

We got small portion of sex this morning but I just stimulated her. Didn't touch my self at all. Later we'll do it again, funny how it works . Now I'm talking and researching about it and that makes me horny very much. 
I'll not push my self, not use my hand and just do it . If I don't finish then will let it as is.

dan, I used hipnotic audio for different issue and worked like a charm. I'll do this again and go from there . It is from amazon and the therapist seems to be very known in UK.I'll give it a try.

DvlsAdvc8, that is scare. For long time ? Hope it isn't for 8 to 10 years


----------



## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Gargamel said:


> DvlsAdvc8, that is scare. For long time ? Hope it isn't for 8 to 10 years


I'd imagine that for a little while, you might get nothing. If you stayed on the wagon I imagine you'll have a couple successes here and there.

The more the tension is built up to orgasm the more likely you'll orgasm... but building tension takes awhile. Don't give yourself release. Have extended foreplay sessions.

I'm just saying don't expect a few weeks or months to go by and *poof* you're cured and can go back about your business. Start training yourself to only let yourself orgasm with your wife... no hands.

Another thought is that it could be conditioning related. If you're distracted by the physical exertion, that would make it more difficult to reach that peak to orgasm. I don't know if anyone asked you what sort of health you're in... but its another thing you can do that DOES improve performance.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Gargamel said:


> Thank you for the video . I I can remember two occasions when I was scared of sex, one was using a condom another one when I was scared not to make my GF pregnant , all this like 10 y-a .If that make sense .
> 
> Never hurts having orgasm , is very enjoyable but just have to do it by hand
> I said new years eve because we'll be in a great hotel and that is associated with intimacy and if she ask me for sex I can't deny on such occasion .


Look, Don't give up having sex with your partner. Just give up orgasming except through vaginal intercourse. Ask for the support of your partner in this. Let her know you are re-training yourself. If after two weeks you haven't gotten there, add some homework before your lovemaking sessions. Fantasy or pornography to get your motor running before the main event. Just don't orgasm except through vaginal intercourse. 

The sex therapist is also a good resource. The fact that you can easily come with manual stimulation means this ishold be easily solvable. It is not a plimbing or neuro problem. You might let us know what nigh BP meds you are on. They mostly cause erectile dysfunction. Viagra and its cousins do cause delayed ejaculation. You aren't using those are you?


----------



## Gargamel (Dec 16, 2012)

The problem was before I got any medications . For BP I'm taking Amlodipine 10mg and Colonidine 3x 0.01mg daily .
I'm slightly overweight but I'm losing allot right now. Back to the gym , don't eat carbs for a month now. Drink on Saturdays 2 to 3 martinis or margaritas but now I'm stopping this, never been beer or wine drinker.
No problem with erection at all and finish by hand very fast.
She is very supportive and confirmed she won't pressure me at all, even she say she'll avoid the talk about it.


----------

