# How to Introduce Wife to this Site?



## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

I've been a member of this site for maybe three days now, and it's hands down the best thing to happen to me. Way better than the marriage counseling I've been to, it's just sad that a place like this has to exist. 

I've gotten an enormous amount of value out of here. I'm trying out some things based on people's suggestions/tips, and hopefully some or all of them help. I'd love to show my wife this place. Maybe ask her to join up or at least read some of the material.

Has anyone guided their SO to this site in hopes of them getting the same value in return? If so, how did that go in the long run for you?

Thanks.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Welcome, I too was really happy to find this site because in realy life things happen at a much different pace and frequency that a bi-weekly counseling session offers. One thing though is that there is a lot of content and you could spend years reading through all the comments - its good to take a break and go for a walk outside!

If my wife stumbles upon this site I don't really know how she'll react finding my profile - it will be obvious as I've used my first name and haven't held back many details in my comments - there are some that I've vented my anger but others that would probably change her understanding of my perspective - but I'm not going to refer her to here, I'm trying limited contact.

On a funny side note, I think I found my wife's profile on plenty of fish, no pictures or details but everything seems to match. Kinda weird.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I hope my husband doesn't come here. I need to be able to talk freely and at the moment I can't with him. Better for me to get advice from people I don't know.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I hope my husband doesn't come here. I need to be able to talk freely and at the moment I can't with him. Better for me to get advice from people I don't know.


We struggled with this question.

I always wondered why my wife found this site and didn't tell me about it. I really wanted her to do relationship work with me.

We posted concurrently for the best months of our marriage.

Yet, she was always dissing the place and saying it's a waste of time and that the people here aren't real.

I totally disagree.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad my husband knows I'm here and I've been given strict instructions to keep posting/reading. He's reaping all the benefits from what I'm learning. He's no dummy.

He's just not into boards like I am so this really isn't his cup of tea. I doubt he'd ever come here on his own. He says sometimes he'd like to read the stories but um no. I'm not comfortable with that.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

I think it interesting when one partner wishes the other would just read/hear/see something. I feel like I am here for my own reasons, as my place to relate experiences that have helped me or a place to vent or reach out when maybe I am being stupid. I have never really read something and thought "wow if she would only read that, everything would be so much better!"

I think the same is true for things like MC. If you go just so your partner gets told something, you have missed the boat. It should be about yourself. There is plenty that you can do without telling them "did you hear that? that's you, pay attention." Work on your own issues and its amazing how the other person will often times react on their own. Most of the time they see the change and once you break out of your cycle of anger and disappointment things start to change. It only takes one to break the cycle.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Conrad my husband knows I'm here and I've been given strict instructions to keep posting/reading. He's reaping all the benefits from what I'm learning. He's no dummy.
> 
> He's just not into boards like I am so this really isn't his cup of tea. I doubt he'd ever come here on his own. He says sometimes he'd like to read the stories but um no. I'm not comfortable with that.


I completely understand.

I expect this place to be mentioned in the paperwork we'll soon be assembling.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

incognitoman said:


> If you go just so your partner gets told something, you have missed the boat. It should be about yourself.


For sure... agreed completely, this is why I am here... but I think its the little (infinitesimally tiny) part of me that is still hoping to rekindle a relationship thats holding on to the fantasy of her finally being able to see me for the potential I see in myself, and witnessing it it through my interaction with others, that made me reply to this thread.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I can see it now <cringing> all these posts being printed out to be used against me. Ack! I shudder at the thought of him reading what I say on here. Too bad he isn't open or I'd happily share. He's just not ready. He's still scared of me. My posts would probably push him over the edge. Can you just imagine?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> He's just not into boards like I am so this really isn't his cup of tea. I doubt he'd ever come here on his own. He says sometimes he'd like to read the stories but um no. I'm not comfortable with that.


My H is the same way. He's told me he is just seriously not a forum person. He doesn't even like facebook. I wouldn't particularly mind if he did read up on here, though. He eventually ends ups hearing 90% of what I post anyway.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MGirl said:


> My H is the same way. He's told me he is just seriously not a forum person. He doesn't even like facebook. I wouldn't particularly mind if he did read up on here, though. He eventually ends ups hearing 90% of what I post anyway.


Really? You tell him about your posts? The best thing I ever did for my marriage was to shut up. Seriously. It's all about playing a chess game and action not talking. He doesn't really want to know what I'm talking about on here. He could care less as long as you guys keep reminding me the importance of happy wives, initiating sex joyfully and the importance of bj's.

(I'm a few years ahead of you so take notes....)


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

Lon said:


> For sure... agreed completely, this is why I am here... but I think its the little (infinitesimally tiny) part of me that is still hoping to rekindle a relationship thats holding on to the fantasy of her finally being able to see me for the potential I see in myself, and witnessing it it through my interaction with others, that made me reply to this thread.


I think 99% of people are here to better themselves not to shove it in their spouses face. Keep working on you and she will see the potential. You can't hold on to her or force her to stay so just keep doing what you're doing and hope that she is open enough to see the changes and stays around long enough to experience them.

I can say that I have come from a place where I mistreated my wife awfully and we have weathered the storm and fought the fight. It hasn't been easy and I have stumbled along the way. She isn't perfect and neither am I. We get that but we need to try and be for the other person. Together we are what I would consider perfect. That doesn't mean we are without error, just that we complete each other perfectly. We both have a strong faith and I think that helps hold onto us when the storm gets rough and we want to let go. The hard and scary part is knowing that even though you may have changed, sometimes it could be too little, too late. Regardless you stand tall and walk the walk.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Really? You tell him about your posts? The best thing I ever did for my marriage was to shut up. Seriously. It's all about playing a chess game and action not talking. He doesn't really want to know what I'm talking about on here. He could care less as long as you guys keep reminding me the importance of happy wives, initiating sex joyfully and the importance of bj's.


Well good grief, way to make me sound like a crazy person, mag. Thanks 

No, I don't tell him about all my posts. But often the things I post are issues I want to talk to him about but I'm don't know how to start the conversation, so I use the forums as a sounding board to figure out how to go about approaching a topic.

In the past, I shut him out completely and had a really hard time communicating well with him. When I do try to talk to him now, I go a bit overboard at times and get too blunt. The forums are where I have the freedom to be blunt, he gets the tactful version of what I think would be beneficial for both of us.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sorry about that MGirl. Let me clarify. I've been married for almost 20 years. There is no topic, no issue, no stoned left unturned that hasn't already been beat to death by me. He started tuning me out years ago and his eyes glazed over. I'm married to a simple man. He wants (in no particular order) good food, a good wife, good sex, creature comforts like air conditioning and a big ass tv with 300 channels. He does NOT want to have talks about issues. In his mind he's already told me what he wants. He wants me to be happy WITH HIM. That's it. It's not rocket science. I am the one that has made it more complicated than it really is. I can save myself $100 an hour if I can learn how to give that on a regular basis.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MGirl said:


> Well good grief, way to make me sound like a crazy person, mag. Thanks
> 
> No, I don't tell him about all my posts. But often the things I post are issues I want to talk to him about but I'm don't know how to start the conversation, so I use the forums as a sounding board to figure out how to go about approaching a topic.
> 
> In the past, I shut him out completely and had a really hard time communicating well with him. When I do try to talk to him now, I go a bit overboard at times and get too blunt. The forums are where I have the freedom to be blunt, he gets the tactful version of what I think would be beneficial for both of us.


Have you eliminated the word "you" from the vocabulary?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lon said:


> For sure... agreed completely, this is why I am here... but I think its the little (infinitesimally tiny) part of me that is still hoping to rekindle a relationship thats holding on to the fantasy of her finally being able to see me for the potential I see in myself, and witnessing it it through my interaction with others, that made me reply to this thread.


Once you let that go, you'll have a much better shot at exactly that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Really? You tell him about your posts? The best thing I ever did for my marriage was to shut up. Seriously. It's all about playing a chess game and action not talking. He doesn't really want to know what I'm talking about on here. He could care less as long as you guys keep reminding me the importance of happy wives, initiating sex joyfully and the importance of bj's.
> 
> (I'm a few years ahead of you so take notes....)


I'm just glad SOMEBODY listens.

I'm his wingman.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I'm just glad SOMEBODY listens.
> 
> I'm his wingman.


Okay this is the second time you've said this to me. What does it mean? Wingman?

My husband's wingman? Is that it? Do I finally get it? If so I can really be stupid sometimes can't I? Don't answer that. LOL!

Another man here said my husband owed him a beer for all the bj's I've been inspired to give since being on TAM. LOL!! My guess is you are saying essentially the same thing right?


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## Boogsie (Aug 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Okay this is the second time you've said this to me. What does it mean? Wingman?
> 
> My husband's wingman? Is that it? Do I finally get it? If so I can really be stupid sometimes can't I? Don't answer that. LOL!
> 
> Another man here said my husband owed him a beer for all the bj's I've been inspired to give since being on TAM. LOL!! My guess is you are saying essentially the same thing right?


From Urban Dictionary:


_1. Wingman	2642 up, 101 down
Wingman 
A Wingman is a guy you bring along with you on singles 
outings (like to bars) that helps you out with the women. 

Typically in these ways : 
• The Wingman will always be there to “occupy” least 
attractive girl of the pair so that you may engage in the “hotty” 
• Often, when an attractive girl is out with an ugly friend, she often feels restricted to not leave that ugly friend alone, thus making the hot girl, un-touchable. 
• When the wingman technique is used, both girls are 
approached by the men, and the Wingman automatically 
engages in conversation with the ugly girl. 
• Now that the hot friend sees that the ugly girl has finally found a man, she is now free to start scouting. 
• This is where you come in “unexpectidly” and “accidentaly”, and begin catching up on “old times” with the Wingman. 
• The Wingman then offers the ugly girl to dance, (which 
rarley happens to her) so she wont be able to resist. 

Two situations may arise: 
1.) She tells her hot friend to come along, in which you 
automatically MUST be invited, since you know the 
Wingman, and have already been introduced to the hotty. 
2.) They go dance, leaving you and the hotty in for 
some solid face time. 
• At the end of the night, after you have worked your 
magic, the Wingman, AND ONLY THE WINGMAN, offers 
the girls to comeback to his place for a little ‘after party’. 
• Once everyone arrives, the Wingman “occupies” the 
ugly girl IN ANOTHER ROOM, leaving yourself and the 
sweet sweet little hotty alone so that you can bang her, bang her like a drum.... 

Important note: Keep in mind that a wingman 
should never be too inexperienced or he will hold 
you back…the Wingman should always be of equal 
or greater knowledge then you. 

Learning and practiceing the Wingman support system 
is an unbelievable asset if done right. Your wingman is 
an invaluable assistant for you so don't underestimate 
the value of finding a Wingman that can work with you. 
"Hey Buddy, are you gonna be my Wingman tonight?" _


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

And all this means what to me in the world of TAM?

I think my manspeak translator needs new batteries or something...


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Have you eliminated the word "you" from the vocabulary?


If you're referring to his use of it, haven't heard it recently, so I haven't had to eliminate it. Guess that's a good thing.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I joined and told my fiance straight away.

I don't want to repeat the same mistakes from my previous marriage, and neither does he. We both get some good tips and info here, but sometimes it makes me feel a little overwhelmed. I am the type who wants to believe the good in every one and sometimes I have this feeling of dread after reading things here.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MGirl said:


> If you're referring to his use of it, haven't heard it recently, so I haven't had to eliminate it. Guess that's a good thing.


I'm talking about "you".

Do not tell him anything that involves "you"

Here's a couple of examples.

"I'm sorry that didn't work out"

rather than...

"You really screwed that up" (even if he did)

How about...

"Damn, I'm really disappointed about this..."

as opposed to.

"How could you possibly think that was the solution?"

You get the idea.

Eliminating the word "you" stops blameshifting and lets each of you own your stuff.


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## s0medude (Jun 10, 2011)

Last night I confronted my wife about an EA she's having with an old "friend," and of course it turned into a somewhat ugly situation. I referenced a lot of things from this site to better defend myself, and it seemed to be sinking into her that I meant business. She was listening to me, and where she's horsing around with this EA, her girlfriends, working out, etc etc I've been doing tons of homework to save this marriage.

I thought about showing her this site, but felt that it would be better when we're not arguing with one another. 

This site rocks!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:rofl: @ Wingman

Oh hell that's hilarious


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> And all this means what to me in the world of TAM?
> 
> I think my manspeak translator needs new batteries or something...


It means I'm helping him get what he needs from you.

Does that make sense?


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