# Please help... 3rd time my wife has left :(



## somewhere408 (Sep 4, 2011)

Hello all, I'm new to this forum.. but it seems like the place I need to be right now. My story is quite a long and tumultuous one, but I'll do my best to keep it to the point  

I met my wife 6 years ago, we were inseparable from day one (classic love story i suppose) about a year into the relationship, (before we were married) she broke up with me saying she "just wasn't happy" we were apart for about three weeks, at which time she came back and said she wanted to have a child with me.. about a year later, we had a beautiful son, and we were talking about getting hitched, about 6 months after that we had our baby, we got married.. an absolutely beautiful and perfect wedding (we both thought so) 

Then, only 4 months later, she starts telling me, again, that she isn't happy in a relationship with me.. I was devastated, and it was much more painful as I watched her walk out of my life again, this time I felt for good.. I found out from one her friends that she had had an affair with an EX of hers.. right around the time we split.. We were separated for about 3 months, during which time she flip flopped quite a bit, even sleeping over with me some nights as if nothing had happened..  

All the while I'm am spending 90% of the time with our son, because she was always out. Towards the end of the 3 months, she even took her wedding ring off and was being very cold to me.. I thought we were done for sure at that point. Yet, the three months went by, and she slowly started coming back into my life, I wanted things to work so badly, not just for us, but for our son. We both had a much greater appreciation for each other this time around, and she was telling me she loved me like every ten minutes, she told me she would not leave me again. A few months later, we decided to try to have another child, we wanted a daughter.. and, about a year later, we got our wish. She would always tell me how much she loved me and how I was her soul mate.. She even talked about renewing our vows..

well 2 years go by, and once again, she tells me she is not happy with me and wants to move out. Another affair was involved, and once again, had to find out from one of her best friends. This time, was very different.. the wedding ring came off almost immediately, and I found filled out divorce papers in her drawer one day.. never did tell her that I had found them. And the most different thing was, she didn't move out like she'd planned.. She was unemployed and didn't have a lot of options for somewhere to go, so.. I supported her for nearly 3 months (hardest thing I've EVER had to do) I watched as she went out nearly every night all dolled up with her friends, while I stayed at home with our kids. It hurt so bad and was so stressful that I became sick for a short while. I asked if she would go to counseling, and she wasnt having it.. it seemed hopeless. 

About a about month into this (we have been separated for 5 months as of now) Her tune started to change a bit, she was being nice and sending me smileys thru text messages saying "good morning" etc. So.. I took a shot in the dark and asked her if we could work things out, and to my suprise she actually seemed receptive, and said "maybe, but not right now.. I'm not sure, i dont know if I love you, etc" . This went on for another 2 months back and forth, resulting sometimes in some pretty nasty arguments.. I would ask her to work things out, she would say she wasnt sure but maybe down the road, maybe someday.. we argued because I thought she was stringing me along, or being nice to me so she could continue to have a place to stay. And she would swear to the heavens that wasnt the case. But she also maintained that she still had to be on her own for awhile to decide. 

As we finally moved into separate places, i found out she threw away the divorce papers!! That gave me a dangerous amount of hope, I thought this meant something big, and I jumped the gun.. Very recently, (about 3 weeks ago) we had one more of those arguments over text messages, and she told me there was no way we could be together again, that she was done. 

So, I need help.. I love this woman more than life itself, and that will never change, and we have two BEAUTIFUL kids together, I just want my family back.. I don't know if she will even come back this time, or if I should take her back if she does, but it has been 5 months now, and the pain and emptiness is just as bad as the day it happened at times. I still feel like we were meant to be, maybe I'm being naive, but, thats why I posted this thread.. please, anyone who has something to say.. thank you


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Man I am sorry your going through this. Hopefully someone will be along that can answer this for you.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

Wow. That's a roller coaster. I'm sorry you are going through that. You're in the right place.

This is the time for the 180 Degrees. She's using you as support while she tries to figure out her life. She uses going out and affairs to skirt the real issues in her head, or in your marriage.

You need to take charge of your life. This one might be over. You need to go do some self-work (most likely with a counselor) and try to figure out why you're letting yourself be bullied around by this woman.

Also, the 180 Degrees turns you inward and it may bring up some things about you that will be hard for you to face. You're going to have to do some real tough work on this one. And it's not going to be easy.

My stbxw asked for a divorce last night. I have not slept. I want her more than anything in the world, but I'm not good to her. You may find that you're not good to your wife. You also may find that you can do better. Either way, do the 180 Degrees. You need to take charge.


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## muppetsinspace (Sep 1, 2011)

However, I cannot tell you what to do about the kids. I have no experience in that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, but honestly she's not a real wife, never has been to you. She has been someone who stayed with you between her boyfriends, and you have accepted that from her so she continued to do it.

Being with such a promiscuous woman you really should think out DNA checking the kids. They very likely may not be yours. She may in fact be using you to raise her affair kids. I know that is hurtful to think about, but given her history it's very likely.

Please divorce her. Women who treat men like this are evil, She has killed your self-esteem so badly that even after her constant cheating and living as a cuckold you still would take her back!

Your better than this. 

She isn't coming back to stay with you. She might return if the current bf doesn't work, but she won't ever be faithful, she has no respect for you. And at the moment you're raising her kids, and maybe even paying for her lifestyle

Please stop being a doormat to her. You are setting a horrible example for the kids..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wild_irish_rose (Aug 6, 2011)

Your wife sounds so much like my brother-in-law that I just have to say this - I think she needs to be tested for bipolar disorder and/or manic depressive syndrome.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Exactly what is to love about this woman? :scratchhead: 

She has had several affairs and took you on a roller coaster for all of your relationship? She is an absent mother, a party girl and very destructive. And you are not without fault here, bringing a 2nd child into a relationship that is as destructive as this, what the hell were you thinking? 

Seriously.....this woman is very bad news and you are addicted to the drama and sadly two innocent kids are going to suffer for both parties stupidity of such a toxic situation and the going back and forth. 

You need to get some help, maybe some ic so you can see how unhealthy this is and that the best thing for you is to let her go and from the sounds of it, I'm not even sure she is a fit mother. 








somewhere408 said:


> Hello all, I'm new to this forum.. but it seems like the place I need to be right now. My story is quite a long and tumultuous one, but I'll do my best to keep it to the point
> 
> I met my wife 6 years ago, we were inseparable from day one (classic love story i suppose) about a year into the relationship, (before we were married) she broke up with me saying she "just wasn't happy" we were apart for about three weeks, at which time she came back and said she wanted to have a child with me.. about a year later, we had a beautiful son, and we were talking about getting hitched, about 6 months after that we had our baby, we got married.. an absolutely beautiful and perfect wedding (we both thought so)
> 
> ...


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Somewhere408, go into your bathroom, get a tube of your wife's lipstick and write "DOORMAT" at the top of the mirror with an arrow pointing down. Stare at it.
I understand love, but this woman is using you.
It's time for you to man up and quit taking this abuse. Start divorce proceedings and ignore her in the process.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

You are nothing but her safety net when she can't find a boyfriend to make her happy.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Sorry, but honestly she's not a real wife, never has been to you. She has been someone who stayed with you between her boyfriends, and you have accepted that from her so she continued to do it.
> 
> Being with such a promiscuous woman you really should think out DNA checking the kids. They very likely may not be yours. She may in fact be using you to raise her affair kids. I know that is hurtful to think about, but given her history it's very likely.
> 
> ...


Totally agree! This will be hard for you, but she is stringing you along. U deserve better!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes you are getting strong along.
What I see as long as she plays her cards right she will always have a husband for security and satablity. In some cases it is a plan A and the affair is a plan B. and in some cases the plan B (affair) will be given up when push comes to shuv.

In your case her lovers are her plan A , her priority for now, sex party and all the excitment. You are plan B pay the bills look after her kids and take care of the home.

She loves you for this , but she also love her boyfriend for the things she gives her. So now she is taking from both men and niether one will step up and do something about it, letting her have her way with them.

So, 408, I get you don't want to share, * you cant control her * but you can control what you will tolorate by not allow to have her way by not being around your W. Complete ly distance your self and show her noth but indifference.

Do not give the oppertunity to give your kids this kind of unhealthy example of what marriage should be. But move on and find some one that will be a good example for yout kids.

Your begging for your marriage it only empowers her to continue so stop!!!


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## natasha1983 (Sep 2, 2011)

Hi 408, I am really sorry that you are going through this. You deserve so much better than this. I understand your need to be with her despite everything she has done to you. She does not value you because you do not value yourself. You think that you are incomplete without her. Don't give her anymore power over you. When she comes back to you,(which she will because she knows that no one can love her like you do), make her chase you a bit. Make her prove herself to you and make it clear to her that this time will be the last time you take her back. You are a wonderful person who deserves to be treated so much better by someone who truly appreciates you. I would advise you to date, its inconceivable at the moment but it will at least get your mind off her. Not only will it make you feel better, it will make her realize what she is losing. At least hang out with your guy friends or take your kids away somewhere out of state. She will come around for sure and by that time the ball will be in your court.


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## somewhere408 (Sep 4, 2011)

Thanks everyone, please keep the replies coming, I'm am going to write a longer response tonight when I have time to explain a little more.. again THANK YOU everyone for your replies.. I'm smart enough to know that this post was not to get the answers I WANT to hear, but rather the ones I need to hear.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Sounds like you need to 180. She's manipulating you. I think you should prepare to fight for your son. Loving her isn't going to change her.


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## SeekingClarity (Sep 5, 2011)

Hi, I haven't had time to read all the replies but just wanted to say that (please know that I don't work for these people! I just like the process) inner bonding will probably help you find clarity. Just google it & open the first site that comes up. For me it has been very practical and helpful; basically it just stresses working on yourself, your own emotions and happiness, without trying to control the outcome of any situation. This will help you to see whether you are contributing to your wife's behavior (maybe she is reacting to something in you), whether you really do love her as much as you think you do, and what you want to do at this point. I can't stress enough how helpful the process is- and you don't even have to pay anything, just read the 6 steps and try them. Check it out. Good luck!


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude,

Your a doormat. I know because I've been one too, and I bet you know it. Is this the man you want to be? She is screwing other guys at semi-regular intervals. Actions speak louder than words. You need to decide if you can live with that. Really live with it and forgive it if you two are to work things out. 

Do you respect her? 
Do you trust her? 
Can you respect and trust her in the future? 

Those questions are very important. Don't talk to her except about the kids. Don't fall for the bait of "how are you doing?", "Are you ok?". This is information warfare and you keep giving away the secrets. Don't tell her anything. Especially about how you feel. Don't spend time alone with her. Be happy for you. The single biggest pain in your life is now gone. View that as a relief!

Someone this destructive doesn't value herself, her kids, or YOU. She enjoyed what you could provide for her not you. Get the kids DNA tested. You will always love them, but you need to know how far down the hole she put you. Do this for YOU.

GearHead


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

When a guy has a GF like that, what do we say? She must be a machine in bed, an industrial sex robot that unscrews the head and works on the wires, right? Why else put up with that trick ****? And she's NOT that then why? Only you can answer that.


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## LostinNY (Sep 6, 2011)

Going through a similar experience. My wife and I married 23 years. Suddenly her personality would change from being happy to very depressed. Then suddenly she would tell me she doesn't love me anymore. Then she would want to move out or have me move out. Sometimes she would want a divorce. After a month or two she is back in love with me and we go on with our marriage.

Fours weeks ago she told me she was back on Prozac for depression. Two weeks later I came home she is moving out and moving out of state. Likes me no longer loves me. She leaves and calls me in the middle of the night crying not understanding why she is doing this.

I think it is the depression. I go to a councilor and after hearing what has gone on in our marriage and the wife's history growing up the councilor tells me that the wife is Bipolar II. Looking into this it looks like she has been diagnosed with depression but really has Bipolar II. When her GP put her on anti depressants it actually put her into a hypomania state which will cause the person to make big decisions in their lives such as moving out ,having an affair, or spending large amounts of money.

So after all these years I may have an answer to what is wrong with the wife. Looking back now I can see the hypomania phase. In a little over a week she arranged for her brother to fly in to move her out, order and truck and people to load, got my credit cards to pay for this long distance move, put together a spreadsheet of all our expensed to split. As the councilor explained a depressed person can't function at a high lever like this.


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## LostinNY (Sep 6, 2011)

Wife has left a couple times. Always likes me doesn't love me anymore. Sometimes wants me to move out. After a few weeks we are back together back in love.

This time she told me she was being treated for depression a few weeks later she suddenly moves out of state. The night she leaves she calls me in the middle of the night crying she doesn't know why she is doing this.
I go to a new councilor and she tells me the wife has Bipolar II. When she was given antidepressants for her depression it actually sent her into hypomania. A kind of high where you feel you have all the answers and can make some big decisions such as spending a lot of money, leaving a marriage, quitting a job, having an affair.
I would check to see if she has this issue. 23 years to get the right answer.


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## somewhere408 (Sep 4, 2011)

gearhead65 said:


> Dude,
> 
> Your a doormat. I know because I've been one too, and I bet you know it. Is this the man you want to be? She is screwing other guys at semi-regular intervals. Actions speak louder than words. You need to decide if you can live with that. Really live with it and forgive it if you two are to work things out.
> 
> ...


I feel like I should address something that a few of you have brought up.. The kids are mine, 100% There's no do doubts there, believe me. The affairs, (and the falling out between us for that matter) happen after the kids are born, almost like clockwork. Son was around a year old, we split up and she acts like a wild child. Daughter reaches a year, same thing. In between those times, we were actually very close. Was she faking those feelings? maybe.. maybe not. was she using me? very possible.. I can tell you that I am usually quite perceptive, I know that at least some of those feelings were genuine, knowing her as well as I do, I know she would not have decided to have children with me or marry me unless thats what she truly wanted (at the time) Of course I am not without fault in this, it's a rare day when one person is solely responsible for a failed marriage. However, I never abused her, and I always tried to treat her with respect and be there for her.

I agree, I have been a doormat.. Love does that to me, it's happened to me before..


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

When she leaves, does she leave the kids with you?


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## somewhere408 (Sep 4, 2011)

sprinter said:


> When she leaves, does she leave the kids with you?


Sort of, Not making excuses for her, but I think she gets overwhelmed with the responsibilities and takes it out on me. I have the kids alot at first, then she starts coming around. Weird thing is, she used to tell me things like she couldn't sleep well if I wasn't in bed with her, she'd wake up in the middle of the night calling me.. things like that.. and this was kind of recent before the split (couple of months) I don't know what could have changed her feelings so drastically..


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

You may need to accept that she has an emotional disorder of some kind. I won't argue that the feelings she has are real or yours either. You both know how you feel. I would, however, look at the consistency of those feelings in relation to her. It seems you have been consistent in your desire to love and care for her. She, however, may be completely unable to return that *consistent* love. It could be a number of different things either biological or mental or both. If she does change her mind again, you may need to require some form of therapy for her to come back.

Make no mistake, I'm in the doormat line too. I agree completely that love does that to us.

GearHead


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

She's already told you over and over again that she isn't sure if she love's you. Then she comes back. Then she isn't sure again. Yes, you are her safety net. Yes, you are being a doormat! Man up! If you are OK spending the rest of your life making HER happy and giving your life up to her, go ahead. On the other hand, if you want to make your own life and make your own decisions, be happy by making YOU happy and not ONLY someone else, then let her go. Give a dose of her own stuff. You can't make others happy, if you aren't truly happy. You fill out the divorce papers. Ask her to leave your house (as it is negatively impacting the kids whether you are aware of that or not) and be firm. If she squirms, keep your B**lls about you and don't back down. Give yourself time and room to heal. While she is there, you are in Limbo.
You really need to ask yourself if what she is doing to you (disrespect about as bad as it can get from a wife) is worth your self esteem. What I am saying isn't said lightly, I know how difficult this has to be for you and the kids. Don't you want to be truly happy around your children?
Sit her down and make it clear to her that this is it, she won't get another chance. Give her an ultimatum! Yes, you have that right, you have been far to patient. Be strong, serious and firm, but polite so that it looks like you mean it and are sincere. Find someone who will respect you, there are many woman out there that actually do love, care and respect their marriage vows and their spouse - your wife isn't one of them, neither was mine a while back. They lose their way, sometimes you have to let them find out for themselves what a mistake their fantasy whims are, yes one or two chances maybe, but three? And with various men, uh uh, I don't think so. BTW, you might want to consider getting tested for STD's.


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## whererusunlight? (Sep 3, 2011)

Somewhere, you and I have gone through nearly identical situations. This is the third time, mine left me. I met her six years ago. It's only been two weeks since she took the kids and left me alone in this place. Looking back, I have been starting to think my ex is bipolar. Too many rollercoasters. You really realize how bad she is when you write it and share it with people. 
The reason why is because you are always putting her on a pedestal in your mind. Aside from missing the kids, the most difficult part of this ordeal is coming to grips that she was not as good as I once thought. I'm coming to grips that the dreams and relationship were filled with lies. People lie and they can be extremely good at it. They'll look you in the eye and even go into all the little details to cover up their lie. 
We men are suckers for women's lies and tears (not saying men aren't liars). Be careful going out there and dating like a previous poster mentioned. Don't get yourself hurt again. Make sure it's just for companionship and that they know this. You need time to heal.
Can you imagine how good the next relationship will be? We've gone through hell. The next one will feel heavenly in comparison. Feel free to private message me if you like.


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