# New to forums looking for advice



## RaeRenee (2 mo ago)

Hello all,

I am 31F, married to my husband 35M, for almost 4 years. This is my first marriage, and my longest relationship. I don't really have anyone I can go to for advice and I'm really hoping to find that here.

Thank you


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RaeRenee said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am 31F, married to my husband 35M, for almost 4 years. This is my first marriage, and my longest relationship. I don't really have anyone I can go to for advice and I'm really hoping to find that here.
> 
> Thank you


Welcome to TAM @RaeRenee ! You’re in the right place to get opinions and advice.

You can start a specific thread to tell about your situation or you can add those right here.

Best of luck to you!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

RaeRenee said:


> Hello all,
> 
> I am 31F, married to my husband 35M, for almost 4 years. This is my first marriage, and my longest relationship. I don't really have anyone I can go to for advice and I'm really hoping to find that here.
> 
> Thank you


I'll start before @BeyondRepair007 arrives..

Welcome to TAM. 

What sort of advice are you looking for? Please share...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Works said:


> I'll start before @BeyondRepair007 arrives..
> 
> Welcome to TAM.
> 
> What sort of advice are you looking for? Please share...


Nice try @Works


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Nice try @Works


🤨


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## RaeRenee (2 mo ago)

Thank you for being so prompt and welcoming! Well right now I'm feeling pretty disappointed. Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary. It seems like every year there is something preventing him from doing something special with me. (Understandably we did go through a pandemic).

But I have told him to keep his day open for months for us to do something, he has a doctors appointment in the city so I've been telling him I'll go with him and we can go out to eat or something like that. We'll just last week he told me know he's going straight back to work for a half day cause we can't afford for him to take off the whole day (we can). 

He was actually looking into a better paying job and has an orientation set up for tomorrow so now we can actually go out since he'll take the day off. (Side note: this is a job at my place of work that I thought he would be doing full time, instead he's only picking up a day or so every other week and keeping his current job, even though we aren't in a bad spot that he needs a second job)

Today he comes back for lunch break and is super sad that he hasn't gotten me a present for our anniversary because he's been stretched too thin with work and cleaning the house that he hasn't had time. I know he's ordered stuff off of Amazon for himself and I told him I don't care about the present I just want to know he's thinking about me. (Which is true)

But this is the 4th year of the same thing, I thought anniversaries were supposed to be special, I've always tried to go all out and get him a card and a present even if it's something small, it just seems like I'm the lowest priority to him that he can't even plan a dinner out or at least get a card or some grocery store flowers. 

I just feel like I'm putting in a bunch of effort where he is not (it's like this with all holidays but the anniversary kinda hurts the worst)


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RaeRenee said:


> Thank you for being so prompt and welcoming! Well right now I'm feeling pretty disappointed. Tomorrow is our 4 year anniversary. It seems like every year there is something preventing him from doing something special with me. (Understandably we did go through a pandemic).
> 
> But I have told him to keep his day open for months for us to do something, he has a doctors appointment in the city so I've been telling him I'll go with him and we can go out to eat or something like that. We'll just last week he told me know he's going straight back to work for a half day cause we can't afford for him to take off the whole day (we can).
> 
> ...


Wow, he could be me when I was younger. I’ve done and said everything you wrote about him.

I won’t defend his actions, he’s clearly not prioritizing you. But I will try to add comments about his mindset (assuming he is in fact like I was).

His job is important, and probably the most important thing right now to him. Jobs are often how men build their identity and self-worth. He is pouring everything into the job in an effort to ”be somebody”. He doesn’t understand (yet) that you want _him_ even if he lost his job or became “nobody”.

What can you do?
-talk to him. Explain your frustrations in non-threatening tones. Explain your expectations. Ask his opinion how to get there (let him ‘fix’ this problem with your help)

-Marriage counseling (he won’t want to go because job). Focusing on communication and prioritization of each other. There’s no shame in MC, it doesn’t mean your marriage is broken.

-Date nights. Set that up immediatley. Start the habit of you two stepping away from the business of life for an evening. Then special events won’t be so hard for him.

If he is like I was, he needs your help to get from where he is to someone better and more attentive. I changed, so can he. But even now my wife has to remind me if we have some event planned. She manages the social calendar and I manage other things in our life. This works just fine for us.


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## RaeRenee (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Wow, he could be me when I was younger. I’ve done and said everything you wrote about him.
> 
> I won’t defend his actions, he’s clearly not prioritizing you. But I will try to add comments about his mindset (assuming he is in fact like I was).
> 
> ...


I appreciate you coming from a place to similar to him. It's what I needed, and knowing that you changed makes me feel optimistic as well. One of my gifts for him for our anniversary was a date night scratch off game so we can start those immediately. And I'll try to talk to him as well about what I need from him and what he needs from me.

Thank you


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

RaeRenee said:


> I appreciate you coming from a place to similar to him. It's what I needed, and knowing that you changed makes me feel optimistic as well. One of my gifts for him for our anniversary was a date night scratch off game so we can start those immediately. And I'll try to talk to him as well about what I need from him and what he needs from me.
> 
> Thank you


Getting a good communication pattern early in your marriage will serve you both well in the future. You need to feel safe to bring anything to him and him to you. So press those discomfort zones now to help set the pattern for the future. And encourage him to do the same.

Best of luck to you!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I would setup an anniversary lunch or whatever it is that you want, and if he decides not to go... he decides not to go.

Go yourself regardless. It will shine a light on his level of commitment....


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## debdefender (2 mo ago)

One red flag trait of a narcissist is ruining special occasions and holidays. Check the traits and behaviors list for more.


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