# No transparency after husband's EA



## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

I posted recently about OH having an EA with a co-worker.

He ended it and said that we need to work together in our marriage. He offered to give me all passwords-administrative, phone, Facebook and Skype.

Since then he has been loving and showing me attention as well as making an effort to come home earlier in the evenings despite having a lot of overtime to do( this is true).

A couple of days ago I asked for the Admin password and he went angry, when I reminded him that he said I will have full transparency, he said, OK, have the **** password, then, take all of my privacy, scrutinize every inch of my life, put a keylogger in it!! 
He says he wants to be able to talk to his grown-up son in privacy and he will let everyone know that when they email him, they email both of us.

This has been eating me alive inside, I think I will go mental as I have 0 trust in him and I told him that and I also told him that I will not snoop, but occasionally I would like to check his phone or emails so that I can build the trust again. I also said, that his refusal to give me the passwords means that he is hiding something.

Five minutes ago he left to ‘the estate agents’.
I told him that if he puts the house on the market, then I am living a separate life from him and will move in the basement tonight. 
He said he is going to find a place for him to move to. 

Also, said I will give him a heart attack( he takes meds for hypertension), to which I said-you are always blaming me for the mess you create, I did not go on Skype to speak to ( he will not even give me her name)this woman, it was YOU. He was caught by speaking to her on Skype.


What now? He obviously thinks he has done nothing wrong and I am the unreasonable one by asking for full transparency.


You have been great advising me before, please advise me what to do? Thanks.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Have you verified that the EA has ended? Did he send a NC letter? 

It sounds like he *may* have gone somewhat underground. Stick to your guns because for him to suddenly not want transparency when he offered it is strange.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Offer to help him pack if he isn't wiling to accept the terms that you established in order for him to be allowed to stay married to you.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

He did not do NC letter. He went to work and told her they were not going to have coffee together at work because of 'family problems'.

I told him that this was not good enough and he had to explain better to her. He told me that he phoned her again and said that he loves his wife and kids and by having this coffee and confidential conversations with her, he feels that it might lead to an affair and this not what he wants as he knows what he will loose.
Aparently she said that she never meant it anything more than friendly chats with coffee.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I am in the same position you are. I recently found out my husband has been in an emotional affair with his "best friend" for the past 12 years, behind my back. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong. His excuse is "I didn't have sex with her". 

I told him about 6 wks ago I needed him to go NC, he did, but then last week I found out he is in contact with her again. He refuses to show any transparency - tells me I am trying to control him and its none of my business.

He has made his choice. As sad as it makes me, I am sticking to my boundary as I will not play second fiddle to this woman any longer. No wonder our marriage has been on life support for years... his heart has not been with me, it's been with her.

Pack his bags and bid him good luck.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Doesn't sound like he is done with her./ Told her it was quits yet.

Find out what emotional needs of his that you are not meeting.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

he's still seeing her and blameshifting to you.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

This is exactly what I was thinking, that he has not finished the EA.
Well, lets see if he returns tonight and what he will say. In the meantime, I will contact some of his co-workers on Monday and try and find out who she is and pay her husband a visit.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

So what consequences is your husband facing for not living up to his end of the agreement here? 

I'm asking because it is sounding like there aren't going to be any from what you have posted thus far._


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Posse, he knows the consequences-divorce.

Regarding meeting his emotional needs:

-I have always been the more communicative and chatty in the relationship
-have supported him through thick and thin
-I am a stay at home mum, cleaner, gardener, school run driver, paying bills, etc
-he does not open and talk, some of this is as a result of a horrific childhood where he was abused by his stepfather, however, he opened to her...
-he admitted that sex is good between us, but maybe it should happen more

I have kept to my side of the deal, but he has not.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

An update,

He came home tonight while I was having dinner with the kids. I asked how did it go at the agents' and he said they were closed, to which I said, well Monday then.
He ate dinner, thanked me for cooking and went on the computer. After a while he told me I can have the admin password and he has deleted his account, plus his Facebook account. WTF? Why delete? I then said, he has not given me the phone password, he said, yes, wait, then he went to the car to collect it and was 10 min. He dumped it in front of me and I said, oh, I bet you deleted everything from the phone as well?
He told my 11 year old daughter-'she is a nasty cow, do not believe anything she says about me'. Then when he saw I was not pleased with him deleting stuff, told me to leave and to take the kids with me. I then said that If I leave I will go to the police and tell them that you have thrown me out.
What a mess.
Finally we started talking, although there was no shouting and I know there is a long road ahead........


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Sorry for you Tiberius.

Hopefully he will wake up & know that he is doing wrong. He isn't ready yet to admit/ realize his own creation of the tension in the relationship. He is not willing to commit only to you right now.

I'd give him a little bit... Either enough rope to hang himself (sounds like what he'll do)... or enough time to come around & start working on the marriage.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

He is clearly in his EA. You can have all the "transparency" in the world, but if he's in contact with the EA, there can be no reconciliation.

He is a real piece of work. You're going to have to have harder line consequences, because he is clearly on a mission to get back in touch with her some other way.

If I understand your situation correctly, you have two huge problems, and R is hopeless until you get beyond these:

he still works with her

he never drafted an NC letter.

The latter is pretty much a joke as long as he works with her.

I'm so very sorry
--------------------------
(I am reconciling after H's long-term EA with former co-worker)


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## Antigen (Apr 9, 2012)

He gave you all his passwords.

That counts for something. 

The nastiness is probably because he's giving up all the control.

I still say it counts for something.

That much said, the way he speaks about you in front of your child is unforgivable, that's abuse in it's most purest form. The fact that you tolerate it.. is sad.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Antigen said:


> He gave you all his passwords.
> 
> That counts for something.
> 
> ...


He erased everything and then gave her access.

and he pouted about it and tried several times to make her feel like the bad guy

then, AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, he told the ELEVEN YEAR OLD DAUGHTER that her mother is a LIAR.

This is NOT transparency. It counts for absolutely nothing except that he's a selfish bastard who isn't even slightly remorseful.

He apparently works with or very near his affair partner. Enough said.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Antigen said:


> He gave you all his passwords.
> 
> That counts for something.
> 
> ...


He gave the passwords after removing everything. He gave the cell phone after deleting all the texts (and possibly MORE than just texts). He called her a liar, to a CHILD! Actually, he said "she is a nasty cow, do not believe anything she says about me"... yea, THAT'S what we all want our spouses to say about us to our children. No, the nastiness was because he is still in his EA and he knows she at least suspects it but in order to keep up appearances, he had to delete his texts from the AP. He said he deleted Facebook? I bet he created a new one, possibly under a different name or a nickname.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Firstly, thank you for replying to my thread, I thought it was done and dusted.

Since we had the meltdown, we have gone to hell and back. We are both emotionally drained and numb, having problems sleeping. I try to keep everything together so that the kids are not disturbed, now that they have exams at school.

I spoke to several female friends of mine and told them what was going on.

F1. who lost her husband to cancer last year is struggling alone with the kids. She said that we need to work together in the marriage and especially, me, to find what emotional need he does not have from me. She even mentioned cases of many women in the public eye who have stood by their husbands when it was alleged their husbands were having affairs.

F2. lives in a loveless marriage, where for the last 6 years there has not been a physical contact between her and her husband. Two kids, going through divorce now. She also said not to be hasty and work things out. Well she did this for 6 years and has finally thrown the towel in.

F3 . admitted that her husband had an EA several years ago. They had a tough time but stays together because she can not survive with her salary alone. She said all of her friends are either divorced or having affairs, so it is not the end of the world.

F4. Has 2 young children, moved from one end of the World to be with her husband who is a great dad and loving husband, but who has ED for the past 6 years.

F5. Is a successful business woman, 2 lovely girls, great home and great husband. No problems in marriage at all.

They have known my husband for 10 years and while they listened and made their opinions, they never told me to leave, but to try and work things out.

To make things clear, OH works in the same building with the co-worker and meets her sometimes in the corridor on the way for lunch or coffee. She is a contractor, so she might not be here next year if the contract goes to another company, plus works till 4.30pm, while OH works till 7/8. He is in his office when I call him, so there is not much contact at work, while all weekends he is with me and the kids.

The NC letter in my case was not necessary, I know him well and I know that he was telling the truth about pulling the plug on their socializing.

Now, I know that everyone at TAM suggests that OH change jobs, but maybe in the USA you can change jobs like that, here in Europe you hold on to your job in this climate of uncertainty, especially if your job is highly paid and very specialist.

Ihurtlife, I like your responses on this forum, you are spot on and I sometimes think I would have written the same response. However, nothing is black and white, what works for someone, might not work for another.

I spoke to OH’s mother who then told his sister. Both were gutted and saddened by what happened.

My MIL phoned and had a long conversation with him, he was drained by the end of it. It seems that he felt controlled by not having his privacy and lashed out. Calling me a nasty cow really is mild to what I have called him in the past when we had an argument, so, no I do not tolerate it, but I am being balanced and understanding. He is never verbally abusive, so this is out of character.

Anyway, I got the book His needs, her needs yesterday and will try and find out what (if any) improvements I need to make. I am not a saint. However, I do not think any of this was my fault.
We had a great day with the kids in the park today and we held hands. We are both trying, going for dinner in 5 min. I am going to try and save this marriage and if in the end it is not saveable, I will walk with my head up, knowing that I gave my best shot.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What does he need 'privacy' for? To carry on the EA. A remorseful spouse would be doing all they could to prove themselves. My husband gives me his phone whenever I ask, no questions asked. Our MC told me in front of him to install backup and GPS software on his phone to ease my anxiety and to give him a chance to prove his loyalty to me.

I could not live with someone who is so disrespectful. If he got our children involved that would be the very last straw for me, it would cause me to fall out of love with him.

I'm glad his mother knows and takes your side. I realize that right now his quitting his job seems impossible. This is, however, a choice. As long as he has nearly daily access to her, transparency doesn't amount to a hill of beans. You are fighting an affair with one hand tied behind your back.

And it's iheartlife because I love life, and I choose to savor life whether my husband remains faithful from now on, or leaves me tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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