# Recently Married and In Need of Help



## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

Hello,
My name is Alicia and I just got married in June of 2010. My husband and I have been together however ever since freshman year of high school - 7 years. This last weekend my husband decided to tell me that he was not happy in our relationship. I don't understand because he knew what he was getting into when he married me. He said that he sometimes what it would feel like to be a bachelor and he says the number one problem is our sex life. We have sex very seldom, I understand that it is a need for men; however, our lives are so crazy that we barely have any time to just relax. We both work full time and go to school full time and on top of that homework. I never feel the need to have sex because I am on the pill and I know for a fact that it completely lowers my sex drive. My husband stresses out when I am not on the pill because he is afraid to get pregnant so I basically tell him that he can't have his cake and eat it to. He is either going to have to let me get off the pill and see that my sex drive will rise drastically or deal with me never wanting sex. He then told me that he was just going to be selfish and said that I need to give him for BJ's. I absolutely hate giving them. I don't mind the beginning part; however, it kills my jaw and I absolutely can't swallow. I don't know what to do. I feel like if he isn't happy now will he ever be? He told me he wants a more exciting sex life so today when we were driving I did a BJ/HJ while he was driving and he loved it but he had asked for it so I don't know how that makes it exciting. IDK. Does anyone have any suggestions as to whether or not I should even attempt to make this relationship work. He is my life and I don't know what I would do without him but I am going to change myself completely for him because he knew what he was marrying. Also do you have any fun ideas about things I can do to make my sex life more exciting?


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

You admit knowing that sex is a need for men (it is for most women too--read the many stories of sex starved wives on this board). You say the reasons you are not satisfying your husband are (1) no time (you are busy and tired) and (2) the pill diminishes your desire.

Saying things like he should have known who you were is simply denial. That doesn't jibe with saying you know that sex is a need. Loving sex is perhaps the most basic and most important basis for communicating love and base for a marriage. 

I have just never bought the too busy/too tired argument. We seem to have the energy to do the dishes when they need being done or to walk the dog every day. But no time or energy to spend a short time with your husband to give him a much needed pleasure and feel close to you and cared for? Sorry, I don't buy it. I have never bought that excuse. You don't do it because it is not a priority to you. And that doesn't jibe with saying you know he has a need. What did you expect to happen??? (Seriously, please reflect on this--what did you expect him to do? Go without sex? Be satisfied with masturbation? Did you think that was OK? Did you expect him to think that was OK? Were you not thinking about it at all? Is there an underlying problem here about how you feel about him that allowed you to deny him sex and have the attitude that he should have known what he was getting into?)

As for the pill, it doesn't stop you from making love. And you can always explore other forms of birth control. Why aren't you taking some responsibility here? You point in every direction but at yourself. 

There may be some reasons for your lack of willingness to please your husband sexually that you are not even aware of, such as lack of attraction, not feeling close, him not meeting an emotional need, or communication problems, that you could explore with a marriage counselor. It really is unfortunate that most of us get married without any training for it.

Good luck to you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ali,
You say "he knew what he was marrying"? What does that mean? 

Let me suggest something - don't hide behind your schedule. Just don't. It makes it hard for you to figure out what is happening and for him to understand what is happening. 

This has nothing to do with the schedule. This is purely a matter of a major desire disconnect. Do you like when he gives you oral?




Ali07! said:


> Hello,
> My name is Alicia and I just got married in June of 2010. My husband and I have been together however ever since freshman year of high school - 7 years. This last weekend my husband decided to tell me that he was not happy in our relationship. I don't understand because he knew what he was getting into when he married me. He said that he sometimes what it would feel like to be a bachelor and he says the number one problem is our sex life. We have sex very seldom, I understand that it is a need for men; however, our lives are so crazy that we barely have any time to just relax. We both work full time and go to school full time and on top of that homework. I never feel the need to have sex because I am on the pill and I know for a fact that it completely lowers my sex drive. My husband stresses out when I am not on the pill because he is afraid to get pregnant so I basically tell him that he can't have his cake and eat it to. He is either going to have to let me get off the pill and see that my sex drive will rise drastically or deal with me never wanting sex. He then told me that he was just going to be selfish and said that I need to give him for BJ's. I absolutely hate giving them. I don't mind the beginning part; however, it kills my jaw and I absolutely can't swallow. I don't know what to do. I feel like if he isn't happy now will he ever be? He told me he wants a more exciting sex life so today when we were driving I did a BJ/HJ while he was driving and he loved it but he had asked for it so I don't know how that makes it exciting. IDK. Does anyone have any suggestions as to whether or not I should even attempt to make this relationship work. He is my life and I don't know what I would do without him but I am going to change myself completely for him because he knew what he was marrying. Also do you have any fun ideas about things I can do to make my sex life more exciting?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Ali07! said:


> Hello,
> This last weekend my husband decided to tell me that he was not happy in our relationship. I don't understand because he knew what he was getting into when he married me.


I no expert here, I've only been married for 5 years, but I can definitely tell you that my husband and I are _not
_ the same people we were when we married. We had NO idea what we were getting into. I mean, seriously, _no idea_. We sure thought we did, but we were young and excited and were so sure we had it all figured out. Looking back, I think we were crazy  We've changed enormously and our needs and desires have changed. The key is to grow together, rather than apart, which isn't as easy as it sounds! Would I do it again, though? _In a heartbeat._ 



Ali07! said:


> We have sex very seldom, I understand that it is a need for men; however, our lives are so crazy that we barely have any time to just relax. We both work full time and go to school full time and on top of that homework.


I hear you completely. I know busy. I've been going to school and taking care of a toddler for the past 3 years and nothing will wear you out like chasing a 3 year old around the house 12 hours a day! BUT, having said that, you acknowledged that your husband _needs_ sex. This is a priority for him(and it should be for you as well) in your relationship. MEM recently said something about priorities that really made me stop and think. He said that if something is a priority for your spouse, it will become a priority for you as well. _That _is a trait of a strong marriage, I believe. If something is VERY important to you, you will find time for it.



Ali07! said:


> Does anyone have any suggestions as to whether or not I should even attempt to make this relationship work. He is my life and I don't know what I would do without him but I am going to change myself completely for him because he knew what he was marrying.


Don't even think about giving up! How you react to this will help define your marriage and the fact that you're here, asking for help, means that you DO care and you want to make it work. I don't have loads of advice for you, but I'm sure others on here will give you some great suggestions. If you're willing to make this work, it will


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Simply put, if you want your marriage to work, you have to make yourself and your spouse your FIRST priority, way beyond anything else. That means his priorities are yours and vise versa. For marriage to work, you need to be partners forever; that outlasts jobs, the dog, the kids and yes...the dishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

Voiceofreason said:


> You admit knowing that sex is a need for men (it is for most women too--read the many stories of sex starved wives on this board). You say the reasons you are not satisfying your husband are (1) no time (you are busy and tired) and (2) the pill diminishes your desire.
> 
> Saying things like he should have known who you were is simply denial. That doesn't jibe with saying you know that sex is a need. Loving sex is perhaps the most basic and most important basis for communicating love and base for a marriage.
> 
> ...


First of all I didn't post this for criticism.I posted for help I guess I should have out that my husband also admits to not having enough time so its not just me.I know that I love my husband and I an definitely attracted to him I just don't have that desire to have sex.I really don't have anything else to say because I'm sure it will just be criticized by you again.and one more thing I'm not sure how you know whether our not taking the pill affects my drive.We will see I guess when I'm off of it after today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

MGirl said:


> I no expert here, I've only been married for 5 years, but I can definitely tell you that my husband and I are _not
> _ the same people we were when we married. We had NO idea what we were getting into. I mean, seriously, _no idea_. We sure thought we did, but we were young and excited and were so sure we had it all figured out. Looking back, I think we were crazy  We've changed enormously and our needs and desires have changed. The key is to grow together, rather than apart, which isn't as easy as it sounds! Would I do it again, though? _In a heartbeat._
> 
> 
> ...


I really appreciate all of your help and support.I felt that I needed to just give up and say goodbye which I didn't want to do because he is the love of my life.I am glad someone understand my busyness.I an not tryong to use it as an excuse I just feel overwhelmed trying to go to school go to work keep my house clean take care of my two dogs and so forth.lately he has been hanging around his buddy and he kept telling me that we needto spend more time together but then he's always either busy working at school our at his buddies I just feel like he wants to be single sort of and it absolutely scares me to death.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

You sound just like my wife!
Yes make it work!

One: We have a system, I get one BJ (at least) a month. And I am not allowed to put pressure since we all know that helps nobody. 
Two: You do not need to swallow! I think a BJ is sorta a must, your allowed to not swallow. Usually I don't even cum in my wifes mouth or it turns into sex. 

Do you enjoy oral sex?? If not make a swallow something special you do (but actually do it). Learn to use both you hands and our mouth so you can take a break. Like jogging imagine using your mouth is running at 7MPH and hand is relaxing at 3MPH. There are also some flavored lube called good head that will make the pinis taste good .... and maybe the cum. We have it but never used it, but worth a try.

PM me if you want to talk about this more, since we are both in college and working so I think its more issues then just sex.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

Sorry about the pill, get off it and take the risk! Its worth it since that will help the marriage! We did it, if we have a baby fine! Its better then a divorce over something you can't control.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think the best thing you can do is look into Non -hormonal birth control options, even using simple rubbers would be better than your struggle now. What good is the pill if you never want to have sex anyway. Having desire for your husband is worth TOO much to ignore, lots of us have stressful lives, some use sex as a stress -reliever. It is all in what is important to you both. 

Me & my husband used rubbers for 17 yrs of our marraige, and went without during the non-fertile days. I always had strong desire when we had sex, so they didnt bother me, it was always a little more heavenly without though. 

Here is a list of some Non-hormonal options. 

About Non-Hormonal Birth Control


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Ali07! said:


> First of all I didn't post this for criticism.I posted for help I guess I should have out that my husband also admits to not having enough time so its not just me.I know that I love my husband and I an definitely attracted to him I just don't have that desire to have sex.I really don't have anything else to say because I'm sure it will just be criticized by you again.and one more thing I'm not sure how you know whether our not taking the pill affects my drive.We will see I guess when I'm off of it after today.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dont be so defensive, you wont find too much support with ingoring a primal need for a man to feel loved and happy with a female partner after all, what can you do?...look around you, think about the history of man, sexually and woman....prostitution, porn, etc why?? ask yourself, you need to understand that you cannot expect your husband be happy with you when he is seeing part of him to go waste....you need to communicate with your husband, myself, i have been with my wife for 22 years and had a big crisis for the past year because of the lack of trust in the sex department, when i wanted to enjoy my mirrieage, i had to masturbate to porn, would have whatever she was able to offer.....i beg for sex all the time, and many i accepted without seeing her into it...it destroyed me...make me feel the worse....but one day, came here and I realized there was nothing wrong with me, i just needed to communicate with my wife, really communicate....it took fights, crying and more suffering until no so long ago, we entered a new time in our lives and it happened when she accepted me completly...and let me have her anytime i want...however, since she goes with love and enthusiams to our bedroom, i promised her never force her to do nothing she didnt want...but she unacknowledged that being able to count with your wife to make you feel loved and desired was a big reason for happiness in my heart...well, we are experiencing a level of connection never experienced before, we kiss, really kiss...not all the time but both are making efforts every day to be intimate no necessarly in bed, but during the day.....

Please read more here and understands that if you don fix this, whatever the excuses, someday , he will recent you so much that will be stranger...


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Wow, this sounds very much like my story about 3 years ago! My SO and I aren't married, but we are very serious and we're both really busy all the time (we each work 2 jobs and go to school full time--and on top of that we have extracurriculars so it seems like we never have time!) 

I was also on the pill and experienced a pretty big drop in my sex drive and mood. I eventually decided to go off the pill and haven't regretted it at all--I would strongly, strongly suggest stopping HBC and switching to something else that's safe and effective like SA said. It was the best decision I ever made! (other than dating my boyfriend lol). Another HUGE thing to do is get your husband on board with the birth control situation--it's both of your responsibilities, and from your post it seemed like you were the one taking responsibility. If you both get on the same "side" and both decide on options together, assessing the pros and cons, then you're more likely to be on the same side when it comes to sex. 

I know that others are saying scheduling isn't an excuse, and I have to agree with them. I will say, though, that many people can't always relate to the stresses that go along with being a student and having to self-support, work full-time, and be in school full-time, as a lot of the posters are older and have established careers. Believe me, I know how tough it can be! The work never ends, there's never enough sleep, there's never enough money, there's no certainty of a solid career... But at the same time, if you make spending time with your husband a priority, you'll end up having much more fun than if you spent that time doing homework. It can be really hard to do, and you might have to schedule time together, but it's totally worth it. I think the trick though is to make sure that you agree on things together--it seems from your tone that it's very you vs. him, which makes sense given the amount of stress you're probably both experiencing, but it you make more of a collective effort, it will help set things back on track.

Best of luck!


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## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

Best of luck![/QUOTE] - lime

Thank you very much for your input. I appreciate your understanding of what I am going through and appreciate your advice about the pill and other ways to prevent pregnancy. I also forgot to mention that my husband's father just passed away in January and he was only 58 years old. I think that although he doesn't admit it, he is going through a lot and thinking a lot. I think that his fathers passing has made him rethink his life and how he is living it. I only hope that as time goes on he becomes the man I knew before his bad was diagnosed with cancer.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

Ali07! said:


> Best of luck! - lime
> 
> Thank you very much for your input. I appreciate your understanding of what I am going through and appreciate your advice about the pill and other ways to prevent pregnancy. I also forgot to mention that my husband's father just passed away in January and he was only 58 years old. I think that although he doesn't admit it, he is going through a lot and thinking a lot. I think that his fathers passing has made him rethink his life and how he is living it. I only hope that as time goes on he becomes the man I knew before his bad was diagnosed with cancer.


You are listening what you want to listen.....you have to make peace with the fact that a marriage needs a lot of work and you need to communicate with your husband before he recent you so much that what ever love he has for you can change to hate....look it up..is a physicological phenomena....


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## MardiGrasMambo (Mar 5, 2011)

Marriage is all about compromise. You both have to take steps to show the other that you're fully invested in the other person. Every part of a relationship offer to be cared for and maintained or it will slowly start to unravel. Do you want this for your marriage? 

Make small commitments on reasonable timetables. Stick to them, this will demonstrate your devotion. And most of all, you need to voice your desires and needs to your husband about sex. You don't mention whether or not you're happy with your sex life. 

Best of luck, and remember that when you seek out advice, you will not always hear what you want to hear. Sometimes the best advice is a bitter pill to swallow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you care about your marriage, you need to fix the sex problem. You have a myraid of excuses on there (work too hard, go to school, on the pill, I"m not changing who I am for him)... These are just excuses. School is a choice, work is a choice, there are more methods of B/C than the pill, there are different types of pills... Everything you throw out there is solvable if you work on it.

You have to decide is a happy marriage something you want in your life? If it is, devote as much time and effort to it in line with the priority it is in life. As things are described by you, I have no idea why he would stay with you. What is he getting out of it? If you give nothign to your spouse, the marriage will not survive.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Kind of ironic that being on birth control makes you not have sex. It's like it's 100% effective.


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## Ali07! (Mar 19, 2011)

Hicks said:


> If you care about your marriage, you need to fix the sex problem. You have a myraid of excuses on there (work too hard, go to school, on the pill, I"m not changing who I am for him)... These are just excuses. School is a choice, work is a choice, there are more methods of B/C than the pill, there are different types of pills... Everything you throw out there is solvable if you work on it.
> 
> You have to decide is a happy marriage something you want in your life? If it is, devote as much time and effort to it in line with the priority it is in life. As things are described by you, I have no idea why he would stay with you. What is he getting out of it? If you give nothign to your spouse, the marriage will not survive.


They may be excuses to you and may be a choice for you but not in this case. If I want a good life school is a must, if I want to keep my house that we bought together work is a must, etc. I understand that some people may see this as excuses but they aren't. I absolutely want a happy marriage do you think I would be with him if I didn't want that. Lastly, I am not sure why you think he should leave me with what I said. Sex is only one thing in life, just because I don't give it to him that often doesn't mean I don't do other things. I love him very much and we have so many things in common. We love going out on dates, we love kissing each other, hugging each other and so just because I don't give him sex a lot means he needs to leave me? To me that just doesn't make a whole lot of common sense. But thats your opinion so you are free to think what you want.


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