# Need a man's opinion please!



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

I have issues with taking my husband's moods very personally. If he looks unhappy or grumpy, I am convinced it has something to do with me. This causes us some problems because he never wants to talk when he's in a bad mood but I can't sit still until I can "fix it'! I grew up with a very moody father and I had to read his body language to know what he was really feeling because he was often sarcastic or what they call "passive aggressive". 

For example, last night my husband had a few drinks with some friends and alcohol always puts him in a bad mood. Even knowing this, when he got home, I sensed his demeanor and immediately went in on him....what's wrong, is it this or that or the other....it annoys him until he ends up saying something hurtful, and then I walk off upset mumbling under my breath (loud enough for him to hear) which makes him mad because he feels disrespected. In hindsight it is easy for me to see things this clearly, but when I am in the situation I just want so badly to please him (even if his mood has nothing to do with me). This morning he wakes up in a funk and I ask him whats wrong....he says "you know what's wrong".....("my mouth" as he calls it when I feel hurt by something he has said....I agree its disrespectful and gets me no positive results.....ignoring and staying quiet always does but easier said than done sometimes).....he left for the day so I am wondering if any of you were in this situation, what should my response be to him when he comes home? What would you want? How should I react to him?

I know this must sound so trivial but at certain times of the month everything feels like an issue (as you will see from my frequent posts today!) 

Thanks in advance for any input/advice.


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## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

@Fizz

I tend to be the same way with my wife. I always wanted to fix everything that was bothering her, in order for there to be peace and tranquility in the house. It does make me VERY anxious and uncomfortable when there is an "unfixed" issue that is causing her anger and unhappiness. 

I have made great progress in NOT fixing things, and I do so by realizing that, for the most part, she does not WANT me to fix them, and that when she talks about things, she simply wants to vent. If I actively listen, but extend no offers to fix, this seems to get the best results. I lightly sympathize, but it's crucial that you realize that no one is responsible for your husband's happiness but him. You can't "MAKE" him happy; you can support him as he works through the issue, but anything you do to try to fix things obviously annoys him greatly. Let him know that you're willing to assist if he asks you to, but that you're confident he will solve his issue.

This is really difficult for people like us to do, and it may take some teeth-gritting and checking yourself, but realize that most, if not all, of the issue is HIS; you have no power to make anyone else happy but yourself, and no responsibility to do so.


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## Applejuice (Feb 21, 2014)

Depending on whether you subscribe to Jungian theory or not, my GF is an INTJ and I'm apparently an INFJ.

Even now, I wonder about her 'quiet' periods. I immediately assume I've done something to offend her but the truth is, she just wants time alone without distractions so her android brain can impose some sort of order on the latest data influx.

It's hard but I've found that simply preoccupying myself with things that demand meticulous attention keeps me from projecting my own insecurities on her and I think our relationship, on the whole, benefits from my policy of non-interference.

But I've also learned that, although the genders share many similar fundamental outward expressions, the underlying reasoning can vary immensely so I'm not sure my evaluation would be applicable yo your situation.


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## SirLoin (Mar 24, 2014)

BackwardFizz said:


> I have issues with taking my husband's moods very personally. ... What would you want? How should I react to him?


I think you have two choices. You can either decide that, sometimes, your husband's moods have nothing to do with you. And, that when he insists that his mood has nothing to do with you, he might be telling the truth. Or, you can decide that you are so supremely powerful that your husband's moods are always in reaction to you. Perhaps you're telepathically affecting him. I don't know. Also, when he insists that his mood has nothing to do with you, he is lying in order to pretend that he's not married to a powerful psychic.

Good luck.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Wow. This is me. 

Wife is very moody at the moment. Not helped by the fact that shes ill and in pain. (See my other threads).

But, even when shes being OK with me sometimes shes in a really bad mood. I hate it. Can't cope with it. Its like a big black cloud has descended into the room.

Yeh I know I should let her just get on with it. Vent if she wants (a lot of time its not me its something else anyway). 

Its tough though because I just want an easy life with no hassle.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I think you want to approach it openly and honestly. When you sense he's upset ask if he's upset with you or if there is something you can do to help. If he says it's something unrelated and there is nothing you can do take him at his word, tell him it's not fun being around him when he's like that and offer to get out of his hair while he deals with it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm kind of dealing with a similar issue myself (you can read my thread in general forum).

What it comes down to is simple

If someone is not willing to fix something themselves, you can't fix it for them.

I've learned this lesson the hard way in the past. It's like a drug addict friend, if he is not willing to change, you are not going to do it for them.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

BackwardFizz said:


> I have issues with taking my husband's moods very personally. If he looks unhappy or grumpy, I am convinced it has something to do with me. This causes us some problems because he never wants to talk when he's in a bad mood but I can't sit still until I can "fix it'! I grew up with a very moody father and I had to read his body language to know what he was really feeling because he was often sarcastic or what they call "passive aggressive".
> 
> For example, last night my husband had a few drinks with some friends and alcohol always puts him in a bad mood. Even knowing this, when he got home, I sensed his demeanor and immediately went in on him....what's wrong, is it this or that or the other....it annoys him until he ends up saying something hurtful, and then I walk off upset mumbling under my breath (loud enough for him to hear) which makes him mad because he feels disrespected. In hindsight it is easy for me to see things this clearly, but when I am in the situation I just want so badly to please him (even if his mood has nothing to do with me). This morning he wakes up in a funk and I ask him whats wrong....he says "you know what's wrong".....("my mouth" as he calls it when I feel hurt by something he has said....I agree its disrespectful and gets me no positive results.....ignoring and staying quiet always does but easier said than done sometimes).....he left for the day so I am wondering if any of you were in this situation, what should my response be to him when he comes home? What would you want? How should I react to him?
> 
> ...


Do your best to resist the urge to question him the next time he comes home "grumpy." If it does actually have something to do with you, he'll likely engage you. Otherwise, find something to distract yourself until his mood passes.


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