# My Mixed Bag of Emotion



## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

You good people have always been wise and supportive, so I am just putting a few thoughts down. Quick situation, married 10 years, together 13. Summer 2014 we separated, Autumn (Fall) 2014 we reconciled and 7 weeks ago (after 18 months) separated again, it didn’t work. I won’t go into full details but I have posts of things at the time on here should you feel necessary.

Anyway to the point and me. I am in a far better place now, it is just me and my daughter, we live comfortably, I have no contact with my ex (my daughter is step daughter to her, so no issues there neither) live a long way from each other and are getting on with our lives. From what I have gathered she has picked up very quickly with a guy that has been hovering in the wings for some time (see other posts on that one). I have a good circle of friends, most of whom are at work so working life is also good, I am out and about at the gym 3 or 4 times a week, socially and getting myself fit (at the gym I have been doing for 18 months now but recently since the split have been doing it social ie with friends as opposed to on my own and the difference is already showing in terms of my fitness).

So what is it, well, it is the ups and downs, I am aware this is probably quite normal, but boy I feel them at times. I can go from euphoric and buzzing to so wound up and down so very quickly. I feel on top of the world and then feel it is on top of me, the worst of which is frustration and short on being patient, patience for things I want to happen or do. I also have these pangs of guilt, guilt that I have let my wife down, I have not played my part, have not supported her. I don’t regret the split, no I don’t but I feel some guilt, which gives me some anguish and I lose myself a little. She has moved on (strongly suspected but not 100% confirmed) and I don’t feel jealous or anger, but occasionally it is that thought of missing out on something, and it kind of hits me a little. I know I have a number of years to unravel, those years of being made to feel guilty by someone else, living only for someone else, but until that is totally unravelled there are some raw patches.

Then there are my frustrations, I am attracted to a girl, but I know she is not towards me, and that frustrates me, what is wrong with me, is it never going to happen for me again? I miss the intimacy, the physical contact and at times crave for it badly, which adds to the frustration, but I know I do not want, nor am I ready for a relationship or someone else in my life, and that can be confusing, I know that I don’t need to be worrying if I am going to meet someone again or not, I need to be me first, and all good things happen in good time.

I am finding myself more each day, I am in a good place, a better frame of mind, enjoy my life, financially stable, fitter,have my daughter and have a great relationship with her (she is 16 now), friends and building a new found social life, but still trying to avoid the pitfalls of the darker periods, emotions and feelings, so I just wanted to put this down, it helps me and just see how others are doing and getting along and how you deal with things?

Thanks for reading


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## lost_without_her (May 9, 2017)

Hey, it sounds like you're doing great and staying on a good track. I'm in the same boat more or less. I have a 14 year old son, and she's a step. They will remain in contact and do things occasionally. I wish my son lived with me full time, but he lives with his mother. I get him a month in the summer and a couple weeks around xmas. That's got to be a great source of strength for you. My son will be here next week for his month stay, and I'm so excited for that. Someone was passing on something their grandmother told them recently. She said.. "If you're not smiling every hour of the day, you're taking something for granted." I think most of us have to say we always have at least one thing to smile about, and my son does that for me, among other things. I'm happy for you and inspired by your progress. Please take care.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

This has been going on since 2012. Five years... Lord.

Don't let this woman take up any more space in your head. Are you divorced?


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Absurdist said:


> This has been going on since 2012. Five years... Lord.
> 
> Don't let this woman take up any more space in your head. Are you divorced?


Indeed troubles did start 5 years ago and there has been all sorts I don't mind saying. She has, in the past given a lot I shall not deny but I gave as well and yes I hung in there, I tried, and no it was not good enough, at least in the eyes for those looking at me. In short no we are not divorced. We agreed to separate, signed an agreement and indeed live 8 hours drive apart, but by law we are married. There is no going back, there is no contact and in accordance to what we agreed and the laws of the land (there are some differences between the countries we live in, within the UK) we can and shall be divorced come what Spring next year. We are entirely separate right now and so it shall remain. 

I like your thinking of no more space in my head, that is what I seek, it is not always the case, as I described, the sense of guilt built from various aspects of our lives needs to be eroded and that is my ache, my healing process that has to happen, and here and now is my up and down, but I do see a brighter future and am looking down that road as we speak, it is bumps in that road when I kind of grieve and therefore vent, and why I put this out there I find that saying and you people here supporting is part of that recovery, and it is always good to know how and what others are doing.


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