# Husband cannot connect on an intimate level



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My marriage is coming to an end. My husband has crossed all of my boundaries, with no remorse. He lies to me, sees other women behind my back to "talk to", has shown no remorse for the damage he has done to our marriage of 12 yrs, and treats me like a stranger. He is emotionally dead and I know now he is not capable of an intimate, connecting, relationship with anybody. Although he likes to say its all my fault. 

When I confront him about his lies he tries to transfer the guilt to me ie: I lied because of how you would react if I told the truth.

Recently I discovered one of the women he has been having an EA with – he told me he would have married her if she would have had him, but she didn’t so he married me instead. Made me feel my entire marriage is a lie.

Every day I am wasting my life away, in a lonely, emotionless marriage with someone who only cares about himself and treats me with such disdain I wonder how I got here and why I don't leave. He does not (really) talk to me, touch me, hold me, ask about my feelings, do anything with me ie: recreation outside the house. I have nobody to share my feelings or thoughts with. He is so uncomfortable with any level of emotional intimacy I feel rejected when I try.

Our sex life has been severely limited by his inability to share with me on a truly intimate level what his needs and likes are. My past lovers had no problem really opening up to me and exploring our sexuality together. His walls have not allowed us to enjoy this part of our marriage. If I ask him what he likes he won’t tell me, or won’t expand on my questions, he just won’t talk to me about sex. Sometimes after sex I have felt like a ***** for suggesting or doing certain things in sex, due to his unresponsiveness. As of today we've had sex once in the past 8 months. He doesn't come near me.

He still will not talk to me on an intimate level but finds no problem talking to others about his feelings and problems. To him, sharing with me means I get to control him.

He looks uncomfortable when I try to talk to him on an intimate level. I get the vibe he would prefer I not do it. He is unresponsive and leaves the room, turns on the tv, or starts looking on his phone at the earliest opportunity.

He makes awkward comments when I try to tell him things. When I show any type of vulnerability he is like a brick wall. Emotionally unresponsive but does offer some insincere concern. I could be telling him I had a flat tire today. When I say something about his response he says “fvck you” and leaves or hangs up the phone.

I am from another country and have been a stay at home mom for 9 yrs. I have no money, no relatives to support me/help me through it. I have tried to get a job for the past 6 mths, with not a single interview even for minimum wage Starbucks jobs. I used to earn 6 figures before I married him... I can't take our child and leave the country, he will get a court order against that.

I know I need to divorce him but I'm anxious about my future alone and my ability to provide for our child. And yet every day I stay I KNOW I deserve better than him. I have so much to give, and I just want to share my life with someone who is able to be emotionally connected with me.

I am hanging on by a very, very thin thread, I have told him what I need and he's not delivering, not even trying. I know in my heart the day is fast approaching that I will give up my comfortable life with a man who treats me like a stranger, and exchange it for a life of struggle and somewhat poverty and loneliness. Although I am lonely now... in my marriage so I won't be any lonelier than I am now.

I am angry at myself for ending up in this position and angry at myself even more for staying in this miserable life so long.

I have fears of the future and doing what I need to do but I also fear staying and wasting my life with this man, devoid of any love, companionship or friendship. Nowadays, I don’t even care about living in poverty. I just don’t want to be unhappy and unfulfilled for the rest of my life.


----------

