# Can we lead married life without sex?



## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I am female n married since 19 months,my husband is not able to complete the process of physical relationship means we come closer but he can't insert it as it t gets loose other than this we enjoy sex but sometimes he says he feels guilty as he can't insert n he won't comes close to me n he pushes me away saying he is feeling irriated so I asked him sorry for making him feel bad n I wait for him to feel good n I asked him to go to doctor even I went for physical check up of mine n doctor said I don't have any problem but my husband dint said to doctor that he has problem of getting loose but to me he said this so I doubted him n discussed with my cousin she is a doctor she said if it's only loosening problem then it will be solved n i dint shared with anyone else but my husband dint came forward to show to doctor n after some time I said to his mom she didn't said anything n I said to my parents n they asked him he said I won't allow Him to come close to myself n a big quarrel happened somewhere my parents n relatives doubt me that I am lying bcs I was having a past but whatever it is my relatives r interested in me getting divorced n suffer after divorce n it's affecting my family members bcs our relatives purpusly doing this n I understood that my husband has some problem n so he was purpusly quarrelling with me without any reason to prove me bad in front of others n hide his health issue n some where he knew I won't be trusted due to my past so he took advantage of this so over all I was honest n loyal with my husband n I tried to give my best to our marriage n I have feelings for him but he won't n I feel bad that he don't have feelings for me but anyhow I am angry that he lied to me but only physical relationship is not important if he cares for me respect me n my family n be there for me then I am thinking to have baby through ivf n lead a good life with him,actually as suggested by doctor once we can have baby through ivf so now my parents n relatives doubt me but they don't want me to continue marriage with him n I wonder how my future will be bcs I am being doubted n forced to get divorced now n my husband didn't came forward as he is worried lot bcs he has lied to us n we r leaving him without filing any case on him so we both applied for divorce through mutual consent but I feel divorce will not lead me anywhere but if my husband is ready to be there for me life long then we can have baby through ivf n I don't want to have any wrong relationship with anyone else but now my parents are not ready n my husband is not ready

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I don't know what to do? Any suggestions please?

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do I understand correctly that he has erectile dysfunction? Is he able to get hard sometimes, but goes soft when he goes to penetrate you?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Please try to use sentences and paragraphs.



coolgal said:


> I am female and married since 19 months, my husband is not able to complete the process of physical relationship, which means we come closer but he can't insert it as it gets loose.
> 
> Other than this we enjoy sex, sometimes he says he feels guilty as he can't insert. He won't come close to me and he pushes me away, saying he is feeling irritated.
> 
> ...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm sorry, I don't understand what your question is. Can you please clarify?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Do I understand correctly that he has erectile dysfunction? Is he able to get hard sometimes, but goes soft when he goes to penetrate you?


Earlier as he said so I felt he has erectile dysfunction but as he didn't came forward for treatment n he said that I am not allowing him to come close to me so from this I feel he is impotent or he is gay I don't know what is truth but I feel he don't have treatment so he is not showing to doctor or he is not trying to save our marriage

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Do I understand correctly that he has erectile dysfunction? Is he able to get hard sometimes, but goes soft when he goes to penetrate you?


Sometimes it gets hard for few minutes only but when he tries to penetrate it was getting loose 

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Spicy said:


> I'm sorry, I don't understand what your question is. Can you please clarify?


I don't know what problem my husband is facing but I am a bit clear that he is not able to do intercourse so to hide his problem he was purpusly proving me wrong in front of others n sometimes he was trying to please me by giving special treatment so I was happy when he was good with me but I was feeling very bad when he n his family was blaming me purpusly so I was angry that he cheated me about his inability n I am hurt n irritated as he was purpusly blaming me but other than this I love him I have special place for him in my heart n I feel whatever it is we should continue our marriage rather than getting divorced n I can't say how my second married life will be so I feel I should not get divorced.so is this thing correct or sometimes I feel he don't have feelings for me so it's better to get divorced I don't know what to do?

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Sometimes it gets hard for few minutes only but when he tries to penetrate it was getting loose
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


I said him that I will wait for him until he gets treatment n I need his love care respect n protection but he is not ready to talk with me now bcs now all our family members n relatives are involved in this

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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

coolgal said:


> I said him that I will wait for him until he gets treatment n I need his love care respect n protection but he is not ready to talk with me now bcs now all our family members n relatives are involved in this
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


How are all your family members and relatives involved?

This should be a matter between the two of you.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

Look, you need to seriously change the way you write. Your posts are impossible to read. Please type "and" instead of "n" and PLEASE use proper sentences and paragraphs. I have tried to go through your posts and it's just not possible to see what you are trying to say. I just don't understand the issue. Thank you!


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Hope Shimmers said:


> Look, you need to seriously change the way you write. Your posts are impossible to read. Please type "and" instead of "n" and PLEASE use proper sentences and paragraphs. I have tried to go through your posts and it's just not possible to see what you are trying to say. I just don't understand the issue. Thank you!


Ok I will follow your tips.sorry for inconvenience.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> How are all your family members and relatives involved?
> 
> This should be a matter between the two of you.


Yes it was between us for almost an year but my husband was not telling me clearly anything. Sometimes he was trying to please me and sometimes he was proving me wrong in front of others so that in future if I raise his inability then he will prove to others that I am wrong

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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

In what way was he proving you wrong to others? By not having the sexual issue when he chose to?

Is the issue that you don't know if he truly has a physical impotence issue or if it is something he can correct on his own? 

Sorry; just trying to understand, thanks!


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Hope Shimmers said:


> In what way was he proving you wrong to others? By not having the sexual issue when he chose to?
> 
> Is the issue that you don't know if he truly has a physical impotence issue or if it is something he can correct on his own?
> 
> Sorry; just trying to understand, thanks!


He was proving to others that I don't like him and i am quarreling with him and his parents means purpusly they were saying something wrong in front of me only but when i was angry then other people will be involved and then they will think i am quarrelling and all of them are innocent and I am not allowing him to get close to me which I was not able to realise at start of my marriage that he is proving me wrong in front of others, if any such situations occur I was trying to do my best but I dint realised that my husband and his parents and his aunt are purpusly doing all this. 
There are many situations where they did so.some examples are that they were trying to prove to others that I don't like my husband as he is black and I don't care for him and I am dominating and I am having some affair and I am involved with my husband's cousin and all this bull **** which was never in my mind.honestly I was trying to follow my duties and I was trying not to hurt my husband as he has some health issue so i was trying to be emotionally close to him and i was trying to please him by cooking what he likes and taking care of his needs and i was trying not to hurt my in laws and I don't want anyone else other than my husband in my life but they were doing purpusly all this. 
rather I would say they were indirectly telling me that I can have any affair so that I will become wrong person and my husband will be relieved from his inability and they can blame me when I will try to blame him,they were giving me chances to have affair including my husband and all this was irritating me,I was ready to adjust his health issue but I want him to be there for me.prior to involving others in this I had asked him many times to discuss with me but he dint.

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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

It might help if you tell us what country you are from.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Also you say his health is not good. What is the health problem? Maybe his health has something to do with his not being able to get hard or to stay hard.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I am from a country where marriage is meant to be followed strictly whatever comes in the way and divorce is not considered as good thing and if I get divorced then I will only be treated as wrong because of my past. 
It will be considered that I am having some affair and I am fooling all about my husband's health issue.
Not only society but even my parents and siblings are confused because my relatives are purpusly trying to prove that I am wrong.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

At start my parents and siblings supported me but now after an another year and two hearings in the court slowly my relatives are spreading that I am wrong and now my siblings and my mom and even my dad are feeling that I am wrong and I am lying

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

But still my parents wants me to get divorced now as my husband is not coming forward and my parents have said in society that my husband is impotent but no one is trusting this not even my parents and siblings.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

My husband and I are from far cities so what people are thinking in my city doesn't affect him and I have not revealed to his friends or not to his society people that he is impotent though he wanted me to do so then everyone will think that I am lying because since starting of our marriage he is proving to people in his city that I am not good and I am not allowing him to get close to me.

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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

It sounds like you are in a horrible situation and don't seem to have any good options. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I don't know what to tell you to do to fix it. Do you have a religious leader you can go talk to?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

My dad spoke to our society people,actually all are supporting divorce but behind us they are blaming me not my husband

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

All this is bcs of my past but whatever is happening if I keep aside, I want my husband to be there for me, I can adjust his health issue and we can have baby through ivf but I don't want drama from my husband because I am fed up of all that drama where I am wrong in any case.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

mary35 said:


> It sounds like you are in a horrible situation and don't seem to have any good options. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I don't know what to tell you to do to fix it. Do you have a religious leader you can go talk to?


Do you trust me?right now I don't have anyone who trusts me.that's why I started to post in this app.I am feeling very much left alone by all.no one is there to trust me.all are making fun of me.and even my dad is suffering for me.my mom is not trusting me now.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

All wants me to get divorced and be blamed for life long that I am not good .

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

So I am trying to talk to my husband but he is not at all talking to me

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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

What happened in your past that is causing them to blame you?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Past means I was having an affair when I was in school,my bf spread to all that I am with him in society and all came to know about this but after that we broke up and I did my degree and post graduate but unfortunately I was engaged to a wrong person he was having affairs so my parents broke my engagement with him but here also I was blamed that because of my affair in school my engagement is cancelled,actually all were thinking that my school affair is continue because my bf was purpusly following me in market so all thinks it's not over but it was over in school only.
So I was having an affair in school which got over then only but all thinks it was continued and after my degree my Parents cancelled my engagement but for this also all blame me that because of my school affair it got cancelled and then I did post graduate and I was talking to a only guy who was my best friend's friend as I was talking to him I was a bit trusting him. until now because of my experiences I was not able to trust anyone not myself also and I had lost confidence and again marrying to some one was also a big deal for me so before my marriage I just once asked to this friend of mine that weather he has any feelings for me and he said no so I didn't thought after that about him and I moved on and married to my husband and all his health issue came in picture.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

And now I am fed up of all this.I don't have any interest in my life.I was very good in study in my school days but after that incident I lost my image in society and in my dad's eyes.my dad was lot supportive and lot caring he changed his behavior for me and I lost interest in my life.
So now I am thinking why to Marry someone else because always bad things are happening in my life and this divorce will also spoil my name and my dad's name in society so I am trying to adjust with my husband. Actually it's my fault I should not have raised my husband health issue.

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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Love without sex is the same love you have for your family. It is not intimate love. A marriage without sex, is not a loving marriage. Sex produces the hormone which emotionally bonds you together. it is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. Very powerful stuff and if you are not exposed to it regularly through sex, your emotional bonding will be lacking. You will be basically good friends living together.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I tried to talk clearly with my husband but he didn't said me anything and he was purpusly irritating me.
Actually my dad was Coming to my husband home for discussing his health issue so before my dad comes my husband tried to quarrel with me and made me to leave his home before he is questioned about his health issue

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Love without sex is the same love you have for your family. It is not intimate love. A marriage without sex, is not a loving marriage. Sex produces the hormone which emotionally bonds you together. it is the same hormone that bonds a mother to her child. Very powerful stuff and if you are not exposed to it regularly through sex, your emotional bonding will be lacking. You will be basically good friends living together.


Yes but marriage with sex also suffers with lot issues.I feel nothing is perfect and no one is perfect so if we are into a relationship we should adjust and move on because I am not sure what will happen in my second marriage?

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Yes but marriage with sex also suffers with lot issues.I feel nothing is perfect and no one is perfect so if we are into a relationship we should adjust and move on because I am not sure what will happen in my second marriage?
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


Second husband might be worst than this because first I need to make him trust me because many rumors are there about me now and if I continue my first marriage then I don't need to convince my husband because he knows he is wrong

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Yes but marriage with sex also suffers with lot issues.I feel nothing is perfect and no one is perfect so if we are into a relationship we should adjust and move on because I am not sure what will happen in my second marriage?
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


And no one is trusting me all are thinking that I am lying about my husband so only I am feeling somehow to convince my husband for continuing our marriage but he is not even receiving my call

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> And no one is trusting me all are thinking that I am lying about my husband so only I am feeling somehow to convince my husband for continuing our marriage but he is not even receiving my call
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


I don't have anyone to talk also,all are making fun of me and I am just feeling to die sometimes,I have lost interest in my life.

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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Can married life without sex work?


NO.


Sex is that special, intimate, physical and emotional bond hubby and wife share.


Talking will not do this.


That's the difference between good friends and your married spouse.


You don't go marrying a friend, you marry your lover and spouse to be.


Sexless marriage doesn't work and in the end, someone will cheat and divorce occurs.


If you don't want sex, don't get into a relationship or get married. 


There is nothing wrong with having good friends.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I am sorry you have this situation. Could you leave the country? If you are from India for example there are many ways for you to find work abroad. Many do this and have happy lives


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Can married life without sex work?
> 
> 
> NO.
> ...



This - I know that I'd be a lot happier if my wife would treat sex as a vital part of our marriage instead of as a special event every year to two years.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

CuddleBug said:


> Can married life without sex work?
> 
> 
> NO.
> ...


Ha but I am not sure that second marriage will be happier one.me and my husband were living happily but whenever he or his parents or anyone from his were creating drama purposely then I was feeling bad and I was feeling I am adjusting his health issue and he is doing like this.

And we come close to each other but he can't complete the process thats it but he tries to please me sometimes and sometimes pushes me away.

But big problem is my image has become very bad in society and I am being supported by my dad only and he has been gone through cancer operation and he is weak now and others are not trusting me they are thinking that I am lying.

So even if I get married second time then I feel I can't make husband to trust me because of my bad image or I don't think I will be able to get married again.

I don't have that much enthusiasm left with me now.I am not able to study and not able to get any job also.

Not left with any interest in life.

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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

Involving the family in a delicate situation like this complicates the matter. Your husband is most likely to recoil in himself and will not help in raveling the impasse.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

kenyaone said:


> Involving the family in a delicate situation like this complicates the matter. Your husband is most likely to recoil in himself and will not help in raveling the impasse.
> 
> Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


Yes but I had not involved anyone until 11months of my marriage but my husband Dint assured we or dint tired to convince me about his health. I was red to stay with him adjusting his health but I wanted him to care for me but he was purpusly spoiling my name in front of others to protect himself and sometimes he was good with me so I was very much afraid of all this reactions of my husband and his family so I involved my family and before involving my parents, I had discussed with his parents,his mom dint said anything. 

I needed some assurance from him.

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## Kukabura (Jan 27, 2017)

You sound like you are from India or similar culture. 

You had boy friend in school (that's not an affair) before marriage. 
Your first arranged engagement broke for some reason but everyone blamed it on your ex BF. 
Your H has erectile dysfunction and is not able to have sex with you. 
He is not willing to seek treatment or you don't exactly know what's said in the consultation?
You revealed this to your parents and your H became furious as he felt embarrassed.
He lies to everyone that you have been pushing him away and he has no problem with his erection.
Everyone convinced it's your fault and forcing you to D
You are afraid of future and ready to have a child through ivf and stay with him in sexless marriage.

This is what I understand from your posts (hope I m close). I don't think many here would be able to help you because of the cultural differences. If you are well educated, I would say get the D and move into another city far away and start a new life. If you want to continue this and let everyone decide your life, you will never be happy. It sounds like life will be miserable for you regardless of whether you D or stay married with such relatives, parents and in laws. Get out of there and learn to live independently.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

coolgal said:


> Earlier as he said so I felt he has erectile dysfunction but as he didn't came forward for treatment n he said that I am not allowing him to come close to me so from this I feel he is impotent or he is gay I don't know what is truth but I feel he don't have treatment so he is not showing to doctor or he is not trying to save our marriage
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


Sounds like your H has some problem with being with you physically, he may have been a victim of CSA or may have problems with his sexuality. Ask him to talk to you. Why is your family getting involved, surely this is between you and your H?


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Yes but I had not involved anyone until 11months of my marriage but my husband Dint assured we or dint tired to convince me about his health. I was red to stay with him adjusting his health but I wanted him to care for me but he was purpusly spoiling my name in front of others to protect himself and sometimes he was good with me so I was very much afraid of all this reactions of my husband and his family so I involved my family and before involving my parents, I had discussed with his parents,his mom dint said anything.
> 
> I needed some assurance from him.
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


I understand your frustration ,but two wrongs does not make a right. I think it would have been prudent if you have pushed for a one on one level to an extend he would gain confidence that he has health that needs to be corrected. Men are usually protective on issues touching on their sexual prowess. I think this is the best route for you as a couple to follow. 

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

kenyaone said:


> I understand your frustration ,but two wrongs does not make a right. I think it would have been prudent if you have pushed for a one on one level to an extend he would gain confidence that he has health that needs to be corrected. Men are usually protective on issues touching on their sexual prowess. I think this is the best route for you as a couple to follow.
> 
> Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


Yes I understand, I don't know he was not trying to assure me at all,he knew I want to continue our marriage.I had asked him many times before involving anyone but he didn't said me anything which made me feel bad and cheated because it's the truth that he and his family knew it earlier than my marriage and they did it purpusly.
He was just protecting himself.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

aine said:


> Sounds like your H has some problem with being with you physically, he may have been a victim of CSA or may have problems with his sexuality. Ask him to talk to you. Why is your family getting involved, surely this is between you and your H?


Yes I feel my h and his family knew everything prior to our marriage and they have cheated us.

I had asked him many times, he didn't said anything to me rather he was planning to prove me wrong and a bad wife and a characterless wife though I am not. I really tried my best to please him and his family. I was ready to adjust his health issue also but he was worried and he was blaming me without my fault so I had thought of involving my parents but they also asked Him to just take treatment but my husband said I am not allowing him to come close to myself. And this made me feel very bad and I got confirmed that he don't have any treatment so he is not interested in continuing our marriage.

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Can you move to a new city of country if you divorce?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I can't as still I am searching for job

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Now my h is not interested in continuing our marriage and even my parents or relatives are not interested but my parents and relatives feel that I am lying so my image is not good now.
And my dad searching for my second marriage, he cares me lot and he is being taunted in society for me but I am feeling that I am troubling my parents lot and it will create more problems in future after my divorce.

And I don't know I was really very much interested in my h and my marriage, I tried to give my best.still I miss my husband.I miss some special moments and I am aware of their cheat also.I don't know sometimes I miss my h and feel to continue my marriage and sometimes I get angry because my h and his family cheated me and my family in a very planned way.

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolgal said:


> Sometimes it gets hard for few minutes only but when he tries to penetrate it was getting loose


There are a lot of aspects about sex that do not have to involve penetration that can be very satisfying. How is he regarding this aspect of intimacy? Does he hold you and bring you pleasure with his hands? Does he enjoy passionate kisses?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Now my h is not interested in continuing our marriage and even my parents or relatives are not interested but my parents and relatives feel that I am lying so my image is not good now.
> And my dad searching for my second marriage, he cares me lot and he is being taunted in society for me but I am feeling that I am troubling my parents lot and it will create more problems in future after my divorce.
> 
> And I don't know I was really very much interested in my h and my marriage, I tried to give my best.still I miss my husband.I miss some special moments and I am aware of their cheat also.I don't know sometimes I miss my h and feel to continue my marriage and sometimes I get angry because my h and his family cheated me and my family in a very planned way.
> ...


 I miss my h,I still feel to talk with him but he won't receives my call.he don't need me,he won't miss me and I was lacking this when I was with him,when no one involved then he had took me granted that I had accepted his cheat and I have some problem or I have affair or my parents won't trust me or for any reason I will not leave him he was thinking so and he was not caring for me,he was not spending time with me not talking with me much,I am also not talkative but he is talkative. So I was feeling like he should care for me talk with me and be there for me but he was not there.he genuinely don't need me.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

badsanta said:


> There are a lot of aspects about sex that do not have to involve penetration that can be very satisfying. How is he regarding this aspect of intimacy? Does he hold you and bring you pleasure with his hands? Does he enjoy passionate kisses?


My h was trying to please me sometimes and sometimes he was not allowing me to touch him.he was just getting angry on me.
Sometimes I only asked sorry to my h for touching him and I don't know I feel bad for this,its very odd and bad situation for me.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Once I was trying to get close to him then he got angry and he asked me that do I want him to cut his part and give to me? I felt very bad for this.from then I dint forced him.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

But I said him I can understand his health health issue and I will wait for him and not to get tensed but I need him emotionally but he was doing everything from brain not from heart but it's OK I feel it's my fate and I am ready to adjust his health issue and continue my marriage so that my parents are not blamed in society and if we can have baby through ivf then we can try to be good parents I think 

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Don't know what to do? I feel at least it will be confirmed to others that I am not lying or I won't be responsibility or burden to my parents

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

If I stay with my h

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Are you in an arranged marriage?
Arranged by whom?
What culture are you from? Are you both in same culture?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolgal said:


> My h was trying to please me sometimes and sometimes he was not allowing me to touch him.he was just getting angry on me.
> Sometimes I only asked sorry to my h for touching him and I don't know I feel bad for this,its very odd and bad situation for me.
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


If he gets angry when you touch him, then there is a serious problem causing him anxiety that your husband is unable to cope with on his own.

Unfortunately this seems like a sign that he suffered from some form of abuse or sexual trauma. It could be as simple as him being severely punished for masturbating as a child, or a previous partner may have humiliated him, or he is in a crisis regarding his sexual identity. 

Based on the fact that no one in your family believes you and almost almost everyone is encouraging/blaming you to just have an affair... this seems very suspicious. It is as if his family may be very aware that perhaps he is gay but has forced him into a traditional marriage to avoid shame onto their family. They purposely want you to be the one that does something to fail so that if you do end the marriage that they can blame you and save their family's reputation of having an honorable son. 

This may not be what is happening, but it seems like a probability based on what you have shared. If this is the case you need to somehow get evidence that this is what is going on before you act on it. Ask some of your trusted friends (if you have any) what they think about this scenario before allowing yourself to be too paranoid. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

So I am gathering that you are currently separated? 
How old are you and your husband?
Has he been married before?

It's a shame that everyone knows what is going on in your marital bed.
This could have been a lot more workable if privacy and respect had been practiced. 
Now, everyone knows your business and they are busy gossiping.
Your husband is beyond embarrassed.
You are getting the blame for everything.

I understand that you are concerned about your families reputation, but it's time to get over it. If this is how it gets ruined in your culture, the damage is already done. There is no point in trying to get back together with a man that would treat you this way, and that can't consummate your marriage. 

Move back home, and let daddy pick out spouse number two for you.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If he gets angry when you touch him, then there is a serious problem causing him anxiety that your husband is unable to cope with on his own.
> 
> Unfortunately this seems like a sign that he suffered from some form of abuse or sexual trauma. It could be as simple as him being severely punished for masturbating as a child, or a previous partner may have humiliated him, or he is in a crisis regarding his sexual identity.
> 
> ...


Ya even I asked him about any abuse when he was child then he said no and he is very confident person, he knows how to change situation towards his side so I don't feel he is in depression and he and his first are aware of his health issue surely that's why they will be planning always.

Now I don't know he is gay or he is impotent. I tried to get it from him if he is impotent then I can adjust with him and if he was gay then he won't be happy with me so we can go for divorce but he didn't said me clearly. I said him and I understand he is in some problem and if he shares with me then I can take decision good for us and I said I will not reveal to anyone but he didn't said me anything.

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

coolgal said:


> Ya even I asked him about any abuse when he was child then he said no and he is very confident person, he knows how to change situation towards his side so I don't feel he is in depression and he and his first are aware of his health issue surely that's why they will be planning always.
> 
> *Now I don't know he is gay or he is impotent. I tried to get it from him if he is impotent then I can adjust with him and if he was gay then he won't be happy with me so we can go for divorce but he didn't said me clearly. I said him and I understand he is in some problem and if he shares with me then I can take decision good for us and I said I will not reveal to anyone but he didn't said me anything.*
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


If you confronted your husband to ask if he is gay and he failed to even reply to that and/or defend himself, then I would take that as an admission of guilt until he he actually says otherwise. 

If he is heterosexual and just refuses to communicate, that is just as problematic if not worse than if he is struggling with his sexual identity. So the problem is just as bad either way you want to look at it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

badsanta said:


> If you confronted your husband to ask if he is gay and he failed to even reply to that and/or defend himself, then I would take that as an admission of guilt until he he actually says otherwise.
> 
> If he is heterosexual and just refuses to communicate, that is just as problematic if not worse than if he is struggling with his sexual identity. So the problem is just as bad either way you want to look at it.
> 
> ...


I asked him about abuse in his childhood dint asked weather he is gay or impotent.. I said he can share his problem with me and I will not tell to anyone else and I will wait for him if he can be treated and if he is not happy with me means if he is gay then we can give some other reason in society and get separated but he didn't said me anything.

But he was ready for divorce for silly things also he was ready to give divorce.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

aine said:


> Are you in an arranged marriage?
> Arranged by whom?
> What culture are you from? Are you both in same culture?


Ya, arranged marriage. Arranged by both side parents. ya,we both are from same culture.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Spicy said:


> So I am gathering that you are currently separated?
> How old are you and your husband?
> Has he been married before?
> 
> ...


Yes, I really tried lot not to disclose all this to anyone else and that's why I kept quite for 11 months but it was my h and his family's behavior which was making me feel irritating.

I seriously can't think of divorce and second marriage. And I am aware that all thinks that I am not good so I knew if anything happens with my marriage then I am only blamed but it was one moment of anger when I was getting confirmed that my h and his family already knew about his health and mostly he can't get treated at that point again my h and his mom purposely planned to irriate me then I got angry and came to my dad's house and told everything to them.

So it dint happened intentionally.

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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Yes, you can stay married despite having no sex life. The real question is why would you want to?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Tink said:


> Try the "blue pills". My husband has ED due to having his prostrate removed because of cancer. The surgeon has had him taking 25 mg of viagra every day since he was discharged from the hospital (10 months ago). Once or twice a week he takes a full 100 mg, all to no avail. He is now scheduled to start penile injections to see if they will work. The bad news is that we learned that you have to use it or lose it - the muscle will actually atrophy and we are desperately hoping to avoid that. The doctors said that his nerves were jostled and will heal in time (probably 2 years to recover).


Thanks for being positive.

But I feel doctor gave my h some tablets and he didn't took it with interest and those tablets dint helped. 

My h never said that he can recover.it was me and my family who were saying he may recover.

So I feel he knows everything about himself.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Holdingontoit said:


> Yes, you can stay married despite having no sex life. The real question is why would you want to?


I just feel no one is perfect and if I go for second marriage then I have to adjust in some other issues there also and even I am not perfect my h has to adjust with me in many issues and even if i go for second marriage then my second h also has to adjust with me in some issues.

Means we can't satisfy someone else and no one can satisfy me.its more we expect and more we get hurt so better is to be happy with what is their with me I feel.

And here we have respect for marriage and husband means we rarely choose second marriage if not the good image of ladies will be of that lady who can stay with her husband with all the loyalty .so don't know somewhere this is not allowing me to leave my h and we have spent time with each other so I value those moments and I miss him but he won't considers all this.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> I just feel no one is perfect and if I go for second marriage then I have to adjust in some other issues there also and even I am not perfect my h has to adjust with me in many issues and even if i go for second marriage then my second h also has to adjust with me in some issues.
> 
> Means we can't satisfy someone else and no one can satisfy me.its more we expect and more we get hurt so better is to be happy with what is their with me I feel.
> 
> ...


 One more reason is my family reputation is being spoiled because of me.all are thinking that my h is leaving me because of my bad character or any reason of their own mind.

So this is affecting my dad's health and at start my family members trusted me but later they lost trust on me.because some of our relatives are purpusly trying to break our family so that we get split and get close to the relatives not with each other. This is one more big problem I am facing that I am being misunderstood and even my dad is trying for second marriage but he also won't trust me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. So he can't f you and won't get help so he can?

Get someone who can drill you into the bedpost!

No. You can't have a marriage with this ridiculous excuse for a man!
He won't even try.

If he was doing what he needed to overcome, then that is a different story.

He apparently doesn't have a blood flow problem just a stick it in you problem.

That is mental /emotional.

That can be fixed for sure.

If he won't do it, find another husband who will.

Geesh!!!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. So he can't f you and won't get help so he can?
> 
> Get someone who can drill you into the bedpost!
> 
> ...


Apparently that is not such an easy thing in her culture, especially when people all around her are saying that she is making it up and her husband is telling everyone that the problem is that she won't let him near her.
@coolgal In my opinion, it would be better to be single the rest of your life than to be married to someone like your husband who is blaming his problems on you and refuses to get help for something basic to marriage. I don't know why you need a divorce. You should be able to get the marriage annulled. 

If your husband isn't even taking your calls, let him go. You do not need him in order to be happy.
Did you finish your degree program? What is your career?


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> Ok. So he can't f you and won't get help so he can?
> 
> Get someone who can drill you into the bedpost!
> 
> ...


All this whole story is spoiling emotional bonding between my parents and siblings and me. 

We are being blamed in society also though we have been helpful to all no one is there for us and my dad should be concentrating on his health now,he had been cured from cancer that's our luck but because of me he is tensed and not getting what should he get.

All this is affecting my us mentally. Still none of my siblings are married. My elder brother is getting older because he waited me to get married but my story is not ending.

Some of our waste relatives or society people are spreading that my brother is gay not my h and my dad supporting me because of this truth.this has made my brother feel so bad,he is broken.purpusly marriage proposals for my brother are being misguided by people.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

coolgal said:


> All this whole story is spoiling emotional bonding between my parents and siblings and me.
> 
> We are being blamed in society also though we have been helpful to all no one is there for us and my dad should be concentrating on his health now,he had been cured from cancer that's our luck but because of me he is tensed and not getting what should he get.
> 
> ...


Hoping all this will go away or get better is a delusion.

Taking action and going on the offensive is the only way to make bullies back off.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Hoping all this will go away or get better is a delusion.
> 
> Taking action and going on the offensive is the only way to make bullies back off.


:iagree:

Have you gotten angry over any of this? You seem to still be willing to stay married to a man who is purposefully trying to ruin your reputation and create serious problems in your family all to save his own sorry, lying ass. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. You seem to be an extremely tolerant person.

It's okay to get angry. It's okay to call him out for being a liar.

The last thing you need is to have children with this man. If you think things are bad now, you haven't seen anything until you have a child with him. Things would get much worse for you from there. Forget IVF. Forget this man. Speak out and never stop telling the truth.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

CynthiaDe said:


> Apparently that is not such an easy thing in her culture, especially when people all around her are saying that she is making it up and her husband is telling everyone that the problem is that she won't let him near her.
> 
> @coolgal In my opinion, it would be better to be single the rest of your life than to be married to someone like your husband who is blaming his problems on you and refuses to get help for something basic to marriage. I don't know why you need a divorce. You should be able to get the marriage annulled.
> 
> ...


Yes I have completed my post graduation but not left with any confidence. Don't know nothing is going in my brain.

Yes we could have nullified marriage or we could have filed charges against my h and his family for his cheating but I am aware that my h is prepared for all this reactions from us so he might have created a strong story with evidence that will prove me wrong not him. Means i feel he might have taken some pics of mine when i was sleeping without wearing anything he was forcing me to sleep like that only,i dint realised his intension earlier and may be when I was sleeping he had taken my pics by making someone else to sleep beside me purpusly to prove me wrong and characterless. I am not sure but i have this strong feeling because of his behaviour.I was worried that he is ready for all court cases and this would more affect my parents reputation so I didn't chose to harm him by any means and I don't know I fee.

I am just expecting a peaceful life from my h.told him and messaged him about it but he is not ready to take calls also.


CynthiaDe said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Have you gotten angry over any of this? You seem to still be willing to stay married to a man who is purposefully trying to ruin your reputation and create serious problems in your family all to save his own sorry, lying ass. He doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. You seem to be an extremely tolerant person.
> 
> ...



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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Yes I have completed my post graduation but not left with any confidence. Don't know nothing is going in my brain.
> 
> Yes we could have nullified marriage or we could have filed charges against my h and his family for his cheating but I am aware that my h is prepared for all this reactions from us so he might have created a strong story with evidence that will prove me wrong not him. Means i feel he might have taken some pics of mine when i was sleeping without wearing anything he was forcing me to sleep like that only,i dint realised his intension earlier and may be when I was sleeping he had taken my pics by making someone else to sleep beside me purpusly to prove me wrong and characterless. I am not sure but i have this strong feeling because of his behaviour.I was worried that he is ready for all court cases and this would more affect my parents reputation so I didn't chose to harm him by any means and I don't know I fee.
> 
> ...


Actually he wants me to say to all that he is gay or impotent and then he will say I am not allowing him to get close to myself. So he is already planned with all this of my reactions.

He knew what makes me feel bad and what makes me to react to him and he was using all this against me to prove me wrong in front of others. 

All this he did to protect himself. Means other than all these issues and this much big health issue in his life he didn't moved into depression like me rather he has done achievements and he is a well known Cricket player in his city.
But he was caring for me sometimes. May be he don't like to touch me but for my pleasure he was coming close to me.

We both have spent some time together,went to trips and I like his way of living his life in all this mess also he is moving on in his life.

When I was with him he never beat me or he didn't talked rudely with my parents and siblings. he was not demanding anything from me or my parents or siblings. 

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I can understand the problem of being blamed in the society. He has some problem which should be understood and he should be supported but he will not get it. no one will get it from society so for his self protection he used me and we had said about my first engagement cancellation and we both differ in looks so some how he thought or he enquired in my city might be he knew about my school affair before our marriage so he chose me because if he blames me of having an extra marital affair or if he says I am wrong then all will believe him not me. He has planned everything for his protection.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

I have seen my parents have many misunderstandings. everything is good but they misunderstand each other and now my mom is using all these situations to create misunderstandings amongst us earlier she was not like this but now she has become like this.it is more painful than anything else until now.

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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

Stop discussing it with every single relative!


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

hifromme67 said:


> Stop discussing it with every single relative!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Whatever I had said is just to few people , that too in our city.I have not said to anyone from his side other than his family. We stay in far cities so no common known people are there.

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

coolgal said:


> He was proving to others that I don't like him and i am quarreling with him and his parents means purpusly they were saying something wrong in front of me only but when i was angry then other people will be involved and then they will think i am quarrelling and all of them are innocent and I am not allowing him to get close to me which I was not able to realise at start of my marriage that he is proving me wrong in front of others, if any such situations occur I was trying to do my best but I dint realised that my husband and his parents and his aunt are purpusly doing all this.
> There are many situations where they did so.some examples are that they were trying to prove to others that I don't like my husband as he is black and I don't care for him and I am dominating and I am having some affair and I am involved with my husband's cousin and all this bull **** which was never in my mind.honestly I was trying to follow my duties and I was trying not to hurt my husband as he has some health issue so i was trying to be emotionally close to him and i was trying to please him by cooking what he likes and taking care of his needs and i was trying not to hurt my in laws and I don't want anyone else other than my husband in my life but they were doing purpusly all this.
> rather I would say they were indirectly telling me that I can have any affair so that I will become wrong person and my husband will be relieved from his inability and they can blame me when I will try to blame him,they were giving me chances to have affair including my husband and all this was irritating me,I was ready to adjust his health issue but I want him to be there for me.prior to involving others in this I had asked him many times to discuss with me but he dint.
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


How were they trying to make an affair available to you? Also, I'd just get a divorce at this point 

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. It's clear that women have no power and few rights in your country and the man's side will be heard and the woman will be made the scapegoat. 

Also it's clear that this affects your whole family and your brothers and sisters may not have marriage prospects if your h and his family lie and people believe them

So I understand why you are trying to get back with your H so your family is not shamed and ridiculed. And you believe getting back with your H is the best thing for everyone else.

I wish you luck convincing his family not to ruin the reputation of your family but it sounds like they will do it anyway.

What did you study in school? Is there any way to use your school contacts to get a job in another city? Maybe that is your best option.



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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It appears to me that he was made get married to you, maybe against his will or somehow persuaded into an arranged marriage which he does not want.

This would explain his lack of wanting to be intimate. He may already have a girlfriend who is not approved of by his parents or not known about by his parents.

He may also be gay. In your culture (i suspect Indian or Pakistani) this would be instant 'suicide' for his cricket career and him personally. Therefore the marriage is just a sham marriage for him to appear respectable. 

He may be impotent but most men of any culture would solve that problem.

I would suggest you file for divorce as discretely as possible. Talk to him about it, stop involving all and sundry (though I know that is the culture). The decision should be between you two alone. If you keep running to talk to relatives, he cannot trust you and share his burdens, how could he, you will run and disclose to others. He has to be able to trust you. So of course he is playing a game and pushing the blame to you.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Mollymolz said:


> How were they trying to make an affair available to you? Also, I'd just get a divorce at this point
> 
> Sent from my E6653 using Tapatalk


He was forcing me to go out on bike with his cousins to any family function so for it was just a drop but for others it was not good if my h says it and he was commenting his friends from my side that they are good looking and once he has put his cousin's and his friend's number on my cell's speed dial and I was unaware of this.

He was making me feel free to talk to other boys and he was indirectly saying me that I can have more friends and all this was making Me to get worried.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

aine said:


> It appears to me that he was made get married to you, maybe against his will or somehow persuaded into an arranged marriage which he does not want.
> 
> This would explain his lack of wanting to be intimate. He may already have a girlfriend who is not approved of by his parents or not known about by his parents.
> 
> ...


Yes we filed for mutual consent divorce and I have not involved his health issue in this,he has not returned my belongings and money given by my parents yet.half amount of money he agreed to return.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Yes we filed for mutual consent divorce and I have not involved his health issue in this,he has not returned my belongings and money given by my parents yet.half amount of money he agreed to return.
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


But I am facing my divorce is affecting me and my family mentally.

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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm sorry, I couldn't get through your entire post because it made no sense, and was all over the place. What I DID get from it was that your husband cannot penetrate you, but then you said that he can, but I would say that he may have erectile dysfunction. I would get him to talk to his doctor about this, and if it were me, I would go with him to make sure that all issues were brought up to the doctor.

In the future, please try to use paragraphs and punctuation, and proper words. I'm not sure what you mean when you type the letter "n", whether you mean "in" or "and". It makes it MUCH easier to understand, get your point/question across, and then people will reply with help rather than confusion.


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

Ursula said:


> I'm sorry, I couldn't get through your entire post because it made no sense, and was all over the place. What I DID get from it was that your husband cannot penetrate you, but then you said that he can, but I would say that he may have erectile dysfunction. I would get him to talk to his doctor about this, and if it were me, I would go with him to make sure that all issues were brought up to the doctor.
> 
> In the future, please try to use paragraphs and punctuation, and proper words. I'm not sure what you mean when you type the letter "n", whether you mean "in" or "and". It makes it MUCH easier to understand, get your point/question across, and then people will reply with help rather than confusion.


Ok sorry for inconvenience and I will follow your tips.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. It's clear that women have no power and few rights in your country and the man's side will be heard and the woman will be made the scapegoat.
> 
> Also it's clear that this affects your whole family and your brothers and sisters may not have marriage prospects if your h and his family lie and people believe them
> 
> ...


Thanks for understanding my situation and intension.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm sorry you are stuck in this situation. It's clear that women have no power and few rights in your country and the man's side will be heard and the woman will be made the scapegoat.
> 
> Also it's clear that this affects your whole family and your brothers and sisters may not have marriage prospects if your h and his family lie and people believe them
> 
> ...


Actually my h and his family understands my thinking and if I stay with him he would be beneficial and once we had discussed about having baby through ivf so everything was going well but my h and his family was not caring for me so i was feeling bad.
But anyhow if it was between us than we could have easily solved it but gradually others got involved in this so I was not able to handle this.

Now all are involved so my h is not taking risk and main things is he won't need me.

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

coolgal said:


> Actually my h and his family understands my thinking and if I stay with him he would be beneficial and once we had discussed about having baby through ivf so everything was going well but my h and his family was not caring for me so i was feeling bad.
> But anyhow if it was between us than we could have easily solved it but gradually others got involved in this so I was not able to handle this.
> 
> Now all are involved so my h is not taking risk and main things is he won't need me.
> ...




I'm sorry and I think I do understand. And the families have always had some involvement since it was an arranged marriage.

I assume you are in India? If so, there are many progressive areas that are much more modern in their views of women. Maybe you could look into relocating 


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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Thanks for understanding my situation and intension.
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


Yes I am moving to other city now for job.
I have studied post graduation but now have a gap after completing my study due to marriage.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I'm sorry and I think I do understand. And the families have always had some involvement since it was an arranged marriage.
> 
> I assume you are in India? If so, there are many progressive areas that are much more modern in their views of women. Maybe you could look into relocating
> 
> ...


Yes I am going to other city for job.

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## coolgal (Mar 10, 2017)

coolgal said:


> Ok sorry for inconvenience and I will follow your tips.
> 
> Sent from my Lenovo A6020a46 using Tapatalk


My h can't complete the process. I think never he will be able to do so.

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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

GO with your husband back to the doctor and DEMAND he get some Erectile Dysfunction Drugs.
You MIGHT have some luck with a vacuum penis pump to get it hard, and a rubber restriction ring around the base to keep it hard why you have sex.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I know many guys in the US who get their kamarga from online from India. Would be ironic if you are there and can't get it.


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