# Eureka Moment-We are in Catch-22! Now What



## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

I think I had a Eureka last night....read on.

Background- here is a post for info:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/55056-understanding-my-wife-any-advice.html

Basically, my wife and I have been on a rollercoaster ride the past couple months....doing great...then back to square one.

I realized last night in one of our standard talks-put downs that there is one main reason why she is struggling with us....and looking outside the marriage...and is questioning my feelings for her.....

My problem is that while I love her and am attracted to her, it is hard to be head-over-heels, and show it, when she is in her "big prick" mood (which is more often than not, read my other post for details).

It is the classic catch-22......she acts a certain way (big prick), I either become super beta (old ways) or shut her down (alpha way but pisses her off more).....either of which is not showing my true sexual attraction and love for her which confirms her original thoughts that I am emotionally void for her........cycle again and again. Now how to break a cycle that has caused us significant grief over the past years?????

Yes, MAP, be a MAN, stop beta ways........but I am not sure how any of these actions really address the issue above of her not seeing my feelings for her.

Seems like I need to:

--have her stop being alpha-prick
--me show my true desire/love for her in non-beta ways...take charge..

If we cannot break this cycle then D-Day is inevitable. 

Any advice folks? I think this may be the last chance we have to salvage our marriage?

Thanks for reading.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You seem like a great guy.

So your wife acts like a prick & expects you to be a non-prick to her?

I know you love her sooo much & want your marriage to work but it appears to me that she is mean & nasty to you & you are working overtime to "figure her out" & how to act/be around her.

My ex was mean & nasty to be so I left (22 yrs.). I loved him but I also to deserve to be respected & spoken to in a mature way with no verbal abuse. I miss some things about him but I am at peace not spinning my wheels the way you seem to be.

I do wish you good luck but if she does divorce you, your life will not end. There is a "chance" you may even be happier.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You seem like a great guy.
> 
> So your wife acts like a prick & expects you to be a non-prick to her?
> 
> I know you love her sooo much & want your marriage to work but it appears to me that she is mean & nasty to you & you are working overtime to "figure her out" & how to act/be around her.


You got it although if you talk to her I started first years ago (shutting down emotionally) which caused her to act like a prick (since this also spills over to our kids (which do not like (hate maybe?) mom/my wife....example is our oldest son completed high school then immediately left the house........running), I would argue she at least contributed in a similar timeframe).

Yeah...I am working overtime on this and hoping...even though many people on this site say be done with it. At least with all the tough love I am ready to accept the end now where before in my all beta days I would be a bumbling idiot right now.

I see how my marriage progressed I became more and more beta in order to keep the peace with my wife, my wife and the kids, my wife and teachers....friends....family....etc. That was wrong and I should have dealt with it many years ago. Now I am in this situation where the friends I have say you can do it.....you can make it..you are a good couple together when my wife is happy....yet I feel the odds are definitely against us.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> What was your attitude when you two first met? What attracted her to you?
> 
> Does this mean exploring other possibilities while working on your marriage?
> 
> I don't know. I just thought of it while typing this.



Attitude was classical head-over-heels in love early on. I was attracted to her for her many good traits. Unfortunately, we found each other right after some tough times (her-divorce, myself-my wife of 15 years passing away). 

You ask of exploring other possibilites....not sure what you mean here.....separation and no boundaries on seeing other people? Not sure if I could do that.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

Trenton said:


> Me, at one time being a SAHM and living with a man who I felt didn't appreciate what I did and feeling forced to take on all responsibility but with little joy or happiness in my life, can relate on some level to your wife. Can you?


Yes, after our arguments, reading online and counseling I can relate to her and your situation as it can summed up in a revelation I had on relationships/marriage:

--Early relationships are EASY-New relationships-the excitement of the chase-anticipation in seeing and spending time with the other person, learning and doing new things with another person, the dopamine rush, everything new and exciting, the "fog" clouding ones view of many things outside of this relationship

The HARD part that nobody explains: You marry....50-60 hour/week job, kids-sports-school activities, racing non stop thru the week just to get things done, balancing immediate and extended family needs........and the KICKER-after a few years all the GOOD stuff that was in the early part of a relationship is gone---the fog---dopamine--you are in each others faces all the time so there is not much in the way of newness, talking is more labored and going out on dates is only once in a blue moon due to all the other priorities....now the HARDEST part: Now you have to WORK many times harder than when you first met on keeping your relationship with your partner good and have to make it a high priority or you will be one of the many people on TAM trying to understand what happened to their life.

In my case our relationship was not high priority. Compound this with my wife not being able to explain to me what was happening to her.......and I did not know really what was happening to me........until now....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

It sounds like you have a cycle going on. A cycle is 50/50. You or she "starts it" (depending on who's perception you look at).

The only way to stop it is for both parties to take ownership and talk. If you think she's being a prick, then she needs to accept you saying "Honey, you're being a little rough, ease up". And she takes that and resets herself. And she has to be able to say to you "I think you're being standoffish". And you reset yourself. It's the only way to break a cycle is for both parties to accept their issues with it.


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