# Help - he says he's leaving.



## justme43 (Sep 8, 2011)

We have been married 21 years and have three teenagers at home. We never fight or argue. Our kids are happy and friends think we have a wonderful family. We even eat at the table and pray before meals most nights. Recently, however, my husband told me he wants a divorce. I couldn't believe it. He just said he has been keeping his resentment about me putting the kids first to himself all of these years and that he can't do it any longer. I have always been a stay at home mom so it was easy to fall into the kids first routine and he never complained or made suggestions of date nights, etc. He is so angry. He couldn't handle mc. We went three times and the last time he started to finally talk about his feelings but after that he told me he wasn't going back and that he was making plans to move out. I am devastated and can't believe it. He insists there is no one else and hasn't shown any evidence that there is. I am just sick about what this will do to our kids, never mind, myself. I believe this will screw them up and give them trust issues for the rest of their lives. Also, that they will be so upset and angry that they won't want to have anything to do with him. 

He wants us to just tell them a few days before he leaves as if it were both of our ideas. There is no way I can say I am in agreement with this. In fact, I still think there must be something I can do as not doing anything seems so wrong. 

I really appreciate your advice and prayers, if you pray. Thank you.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

justme43 said:


> We have been married 21 years and have three teenagers at home. We never fight or argue. Our kids are happy and friends think we have a wonderful family. We even eat at the table and pray before meals most nights. Recently, however, my husband told me he wants a divorce. I couldn't believe it. He just said he has been keeping his resentment about me putting the kids first to himself all of these years and that he can't do it any longer. I have always been a stay at home mom so it was easy to fall into the kids first routine and he never complained or made suggestions of date nights, etc. He is so angry. He couldn't handle mc. We went three times and the last time he started to finally talk about his feelings but after that he told me he wasn't going back and that he was making plans to move out. I am devastated and can't believe it. He insists there is no one else and hasn't shown any evidence that there is. I am just sick about what this will do to our kids, never mind, myself. I believe this will screw them up and give them trust issues for the rest of their lives. Also, that they will be so upset and angry that they won't want to have anything to do with him.
> 
> He wants us to just tell them a few days before he leaves as if it were both of our ideas. There is no way I can say I am in agreement with this. In fact, I still think there must be something I can do as not doing anything seems so wrong.
> 
> I really appreciate your advice and prayers, if you pray. Thank you.


I am so sorry that this has come out of left field for you! My prayers are with you and your family!!

IMHO... it was quite cowardly (usually born of fear) that he up and chooses to give up so easily without further MC and communication with you. It would very well be that he has been trying to communicate with you his need, but it has failed. This is no slight on you as you are only equipped with the tools you have... you are not a mind reader. I sense by his backing out of MC so early as you get into deeper issues speaks also of his fear..

Find a time to talk with him without the children present. Somewhere he can feel safe to let out his feelings. Assure him that you will not judge, but are there to listen, hear his hurt and pain, that you can both talk openly and honestly in love, that no matter what he speaks of you will accept all that he says with an open heart mind and soul. Show him your compassion, care, and love!


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## justme43 (Sep 8, 2011)

Thank you so much Rose Red. I'll see if I can get up the courage to ask if he wants to talk about his feelings to me without judgment. I fear that he will just explode though as I have seen him do twice now since this came up. It's like years of negative feelings are right at the surface and ready to erupt at any minute, although he is holding onto them at all costs. These are the first few times I have ever seen him show his anger and it's horrible but I would rather him show his feelings than hide them on one hand. (I guess I'd rather go through Hell with him than without him with hopes that at some point we would work through the anger.)


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

If you have not read this book - _Love and Respect_ by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, I highly recommend it. It absolutely opened my eyes to what men want/crave/need in a marriage. There is also a workbook that you can purchase that goes along with the book. 

I will pray for you and your husband, that your marriage can be turned around and be something wonderful.

God Bless


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Obviously I have no clue what could be the cause of your husband's resentment but I do know, as a male, the two most important needs of a husband are respect and intimacy. It took me coming across an excellent article by Larry Bilotta to understand it. Below is an excerpt from that article. If you decide to talk with your husband again, this might provide some insight into what he may be feeling.

I wish you the best. 

Start of article excerpt.....

MEN AND RESPECT: NEED #1

Sure, men can at times appear to be like animals when it comes to
women and sex, but let me tell you…..THAT'S JUST AN ACT. If you want to see real men in action, take a look at how an affair works…
A man becomes interested in a woman who is NOT his wife because she gives him large doses of respect on a regular basis. And without even realizing it, this woman tells this married man (that's a key word for you…TELL) that what he does is SMART, CLEVER, INSIGHTFUL, CUTE and all around GOOD.

When a man hears this, SOMETHING in him lights up and generates the feeling he calls respect. And as long as the woman is in pursuit of this married man, she continues to TELL him these things.

Now I know this may come as a shock you….wink…wink… ;-)

…..but its common practice for a woman to stop TELLING a man these GOOD things once she marries him.

This man then becomes starved for RESPECT.

But instead of giving him the respect he needs, many women decide that they need to FIX the man they married. They do this by TELLING their husband everything that he does WRONG. These women actually believe that their criticisms will correct their husbands' faults. 

A good strategy? I think NOT.

I've talked about what happens when you give a man respect…and then take it away…but WHY do men need respect in the first place?
To help you understand, I need you to picture this…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You and your husband are at a dinner party with your friends and their husbands. The subject of housework comes up. You start complaining about your husband in front of everyone. You ramble on about how you always have to tell him more than once to take out the trash and how he is always late whenever it's HIS turn to pick up the kids. You even bring up his feeble attempt at making dinner one time…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why don't wives know they are destroying the one thing that could make their man happy? Why don't women understand that TELLING a man what's wrong with him will absolutely shatter any chance she ever had of getting her two greatest needs in life met by her husband?

A man does NOT want to look weak, incompetent, and stupid…
...ESPECIALLY in front of people he knows. Doing something like this to your husband (or anything like it), takes away his respect and dignity leaving him feeling bitter, angry and resentful.

Now let's move on to need #2...

MEN AND SEXUAL INTIMACY: NEED #2

Most people don't know this, but...
Most Men Are NOT Drawn Into An Affair for Sex. They Are Drawn To Any Woman Who Will Give Them RESPECT. Once a man is respected, he feels great. He feels that he can protect this woman from any threat. He feels that she is his most important prize in life. The woman who respects a man is his “fountain of youth”. She gives him a reason to go on living in spite of the rest of the world rallying against him.

When a man feels this way emotionally, he wants to connect with
this woman…and to do that, it must be physical.

I'm sure you already know that men have something women don't
have. They've got this built-in pressure that demands to be released, some experts say, every three to seven days.

Women have no interest in this male need and no ability to
understand it. A man has a physical force in him that pushes to
connect physically with the woman who respects him. It's not sex a
man wants, its sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy is NOT sex.

Sex pleases only the man, but sexual intimacy is all about a man's ability to physically please a woman. In order for a man to want to fulfill a woman in this physical way, it takes a lot of work, concentration and concern on his part.

He has to be patient; he has to focus on her. He has to be sensitive to what she is feeling. If he does ALL of that, then he experiences a great reward. This woman gives him what EVERY man wants more
than life itself…..

The Ultimate Message A Man Longs To Hear… “You Excite Me!”

This is a Man's Greatest Reward…Sexual Intimacy.

At this point, I hope you're beginning to see how essential respect and sexual intimacy are for a man.

If you criticize everything about your husband, you're starving and preventing him from getting what he needs to feel fulfilled in your marriage...his 2 most important needs…respect AND sexual intimacy.


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

D8zed,
That was an awesome post. Every woman needs to read this! If more wives could just see how their husbands blossom (too feminine a word, but can't think of a better one) when they are given respect and intimacy it could change the world, I swear! On the flip side, take away both and watch him wither away. So sad.

Any chance this post could be made a sticky or something?


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

I hope my wife can read this.:lol::scratchhead::smthumbup:


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

HappyWife40 said:


> D8zed,
> That was an awesome post. Every woman needs to read this! If more wives could just see how their husbands blossom (too feminine a word, but can't think of a better one) when they are given respect and intimacy it could change the world, I swear! On the flip side, take away both and watch him wither away. So sad.
> 
> Any chance this post could be made a sticky or something?


Thank you for the feedback. Unfortunately, it appears this article came too late for my own situation but maybe it will help others. As a male, I CRAVE both of those things mentioned in the article. Honestly, it would take soooo little to make a man happy. Just a simple "thank you for all you do" would make a world of difference.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Best post ever....about men's needs. Thanks!


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

D8zed said:


> MEN AND RESPECT: NEED #1
> 
> MEN AND SEXUAL INTIMACY: NEED #2
> 
> ...


Holy ****, that was it! 

She even said I made her feel "safe". 

God, what an idiot.


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## justme43 (Sep 8, 2011)

Can't thank you enough for your thoughts and for pasting that info from Larry Bilotta. I Googled the text and found 26 pages that were written by him that further elaborate on what you posted (see link). I'm only on page 8 and wish I didn't have to leave right now to pick up my son from school but I will definitely be reading the rest and applying as much as possible asap. Gotta run. More later. I really appreciate everyone's comments and help.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Dazed post is really good!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

D8zed said:


> Obviously I have no clue what could be the cause of your husband's resentment but I do know, as a male, the two most important needs of a husband are respect and intimacy. It took me coming across an excellent article by Larry Bilotta to understand it. Below is an excerpt from that article. If you decide to talk with your husband again, this might provide some insight into what he may be feeling.
> 
> I wish you the best.
> 
> ...


Thanks D*zed for summing this up and making it easy to understand for everyone. I can't imagine any man leaving any relationship that excels in these two characteristics. In fact, just promising this and following through by making a visible effort to achieve it should be enough for anyone


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

justme43 said:


> Can't thank you enough for your thoughts and for pasting that info from Larry Bilotta. I Googled the text and found 26 pages that were written by him that further elaborate on what you posted (see link). I'm only on page 8 and wish I didn't have to leave right now to pick up my son from school but I will definitely be reading the rest and applying as much as possible asap. Gotta run. More later. I really appreciate everyone's comments and help.


You're right, justme43, there is a whole other section on women's needs that every man should read. The whole article is very, very good and very simple to understand.

Glad it helped. Hope it helps you with your hubby.


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## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

D8zed this is a great post. And I do believe it, but in my situation I know I was extremely complimentary. I boosted his ego, tried to help with his self esteem, did what I could to make sure he was happy. 

Sexually, well I guess I must have been a man in my past life cause if it's not several times a week I get concerned. I will do and have done just about everything he has ever wanted and made sure he knew I was truly satisfied.

So, with that said, why would he still walk away from 10 years and 4 children?

Now I am Dazed and Confused.....


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

fool for love said:


> D8zed this is a great post. And I do believe it, but in my situation I know I was extremely complimentary. I boosted his ego, tried to help with his self esteem, did what I could to make sure he was happy.
> 
> Sexually, well I guess I must have been a man in my past life cause if it's not several times a week I get concerned. I will do and have done just about everything he has ever wanted and made sure he knew I was truly satisfied.
> 
> ...


I think the article I mentioned is a great guideline for husbands and wives to keep in mind but unfortunately, it's not the "cure all" to our various relationship issues. It sounds like you followed Larry's advice and your hubby still wants to leave. Obviously, there could be a variety of reasons for his desire. I'd recommend starting a new thread so others can provide feedback and support. I don't really want to hijack the OP's thread.

Good luck and best wishes.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

HappyWife40 said:


> D8zed,
> That was an awesome post. Every woman needs to read this! If more wives could just see how their husbands blossom (too feminine a word, but can't think of a better one) when they are given respect and intimacy it could change the world, I swear! On the flip side, take away both and watch him wither away. So sad.
> 
> Any chance this post could be made a sticky or something?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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