# finally the truth comes out



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I found out my husband had an affair in Nov, it has been going on for about 6 months that I know of.....He has decided that the feelings he has for her is enough to break up our marriage of 22 years and to start a life with her......she is also married.....
He is a lawyer and she is one of his law clerks. He is 54, she is 10 years younger, He has been trying to keep the affair part quiet, but yesterday the OW's husband started spreading the news that my husband interfered in his marriage and that he was a home wrecker, OW's family is now torn apart as well....We live in a small town so the news is topic of everyone's conversations.
He last night admitted for the first time that he was consumed by guilt for all his actions.....some of his friends weren't so understanding and didn't think he was very smart.....
He cried most of the night......I'm so glad I stayed calm in this to get my deal all signed and taken care of, he has been reluctant to move out as of yet, because then his decisions in all this would be real.....and I think he wasn't ready to face the truth, now I think he won't have a choice......I actually feel sorry for him today........
It never pays to think with the other head I guess.......
I think he sees it now and I'm sure he wants to just crawl in a hole and hide, but when you play big boy games you sooner of later have to own your decisions and deal with the consquences......
Just needed to vent I guess....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

You have handled this all in a very classy and respectful way honey. He should be thankful for that. No matter your reasons, he should be thankful. 

Yeah, the real world sucks when you have to own up to your choices. My H's friends made it CLEAR that they did not approve of what he did and if I decided to leave they would help ME in any way they could. Pretty much told him to go screw himself LMAO.

Best of luck in all this, and hopefully now that its out in the open he will get his own place and you won't have to deal with it anymore. I can't believe he honestly thought this would be done quietly on both sides!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

"Feeling sorry for him" Perfect. Hold on to that feeling. It is pathetic. He is pathetic. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Keep the strength. Remember that feeling if you hit a bad day. Your small town will think highly of YOU.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I agree with everyone here, you handled this so well. You may be hurting and fuming inside, be continue to remain calm and be the better person, it shows a wealth of restraint and diginity to do so. His path has been laid out by his actions, and yes it never is good to think with the other head!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you want him back? If so, you CAN work on your marriage. I can give you concrete steps to take to affair-proof your marriage. But no one will blame you if you want to walk away now.

fwiw, THIS is why I keep harping on exposing the affair. Once it is public knowledge, the affair doesn't work any more. You should call her husband up and thank him for exposing, and also talk to him about what he's doing to keep track of her activities. That way, if both families choose to keep their marriages, you and her husband can make sure they are no longer contacting each other.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi everyone thanks for your support, it is unbelieveable to me that I'm living this life now, but he has made all the decisions and all I can do is take care of myself and try to move on....
I figure I'm the only thing I can control at this point...
I would be interested in your plan Tunera, what is it you would suggest......I'm a fixer by nature so i never have a door totally closed.....I think he has his mind made up at this point but I'm open to at least re-viewing any suggestions.....
thanks again everyone


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have a very simple phrase that I apply to adult behavior. "Own your sh!t."

Continue taking steps to preserve your sense of self. It will serve you well regardless of what the outcome may be.

Their relationship surviving the exposure, guilt, and humiliation of discovery, while two families crumble around them all but guarantees that there is simply no way they will have a lasting bond. Negativity is seldom a good foundation upon which to build a lasting relationship. Show's over. Welcome to real life.

The most common analogy I hear applied to this time, and it's a phrase that I have used as well, is "the rollercoaster". There will be countless emotional up's and down's.

Hang tough on the rollercoaster.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi everyone thanks for your support, it is unbelieveable to me that I'm living this life now, but he has made all the decisions and all I can do is take care of myself and try to move on....
> I figure I'm the only thing I can control at this point...
> I would be interested in your plan Tunera, what is it you would suggest......I'm a fixer by nature so i never have a door totally closed.....I think he has his mind made up at this point but I'm open to at least re-viewing any suggestions.....
> thanks again everyone


 That depends on whether he's stopping the affair or not. Where do you stand on that?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

tunera, 
Well he works with this woman, he is a lawyer she is one of his law clerks, the deal is when I found out about the affair from the other woman's husband, he said they stopped seeing each other and he told her that he had feelings for her but he didn't want to lose his family so he ended it and told her if he still felt the same about her in a couple of years they could pursue a relationship then. He seems different now and says he feels differently about me then he did then, he told me is racked with guilt about what he has done.......he still claims he is not in love with me....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's called the ILYBINILWY speech. ALL affairees give it to their spouses. "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Literally, a script. Suddenly, they never really loved you; it was all a farce; they just stayed because of guilt; yada yada.

IGNORE it. It is his addiction speaking; his fog. Don't listen to a word he says right now, because he's thinking with his other brain.

First, he is NOT over the affair. They are still in it, if they still work together. Do they have a superior over both of them? You need to tell this person. You need to tell him that he/she needs to separate them or else fire one of them, and you will be looking into what kind of legal trouble his company can get into for a person having an affair with a subordinate. Most decent size companies have BIG rules about that.

The affair will never stop unless they no longer work with each other. Even if they stop having sex or whatever, every time they see each other's name on a paper, every time they cross paths in the hall, all those memories pop back up, and it's like they had sex yesterday. 

For now, I would recommend working on (1) separating them at work and (2) making sure you are meeting all his needs and you are not Love Busting him. Smell good. Look good. Cook his favorite foods. Rub his back. Be amazing.

Until you get him to agree to end the affair by no longer working with her, you're spinning your wheels. One thing you CAN do for the meantime is - if he's saying he's staying with you - tell him that you want him to write a No Contact letter to her telling her he will no longer have any contact with her whatsoever. YOU read it, and YOU mail it to her. Don't trust him to do it.

Work on those things for now. More later.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Why is he even still living in your house if his plan is to leave you for her. All this crying nonsense he's doing is just silly. What are you doing when he does this? Providing moral support? I'm confused...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Well Tunera my husband is the boss the head honcho.
I think this is a no win situation they will always work together and be involved on some level.....
So no one to talk to or no one to fire......
Anthok, he is suppose to find a house or apartment but it hasn't happened yet, 
The news of his affair is breaking now amongst our friends and family.....
Right now he thinks it's all my fault because the other woman's husband came to tell me about them, my husband thinks if I hadn't talked to him and voiced my concerns and suspicions that the other man wouldn't be spreading the word now..
I guess I do give him support on some level. I need to maybe just try more of a no contact thing so maybe he will feel a little pressure to actually move out like he says he wants to.....


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Hi Jessi,
So sorry to hear this and I feel your pain. First, your husband is a horse's A^^! Second so is the OW. Well eventually they will cheat on each other. Stop feeling sorry for him, tell him to leave now. Remember, he is a lawyer so get yourself one. He might even have to pay for it. Talk to a lawyer, or you will get screwed! 
Now the blaming you part...that's rich but they all do it. This happened to me too (husband of 16 years and we'd been together for 23, that's more years than the OW was on the planet. She was 18. We'd been togethr 5 years whent he OW was born..) anyway, he was angry, it was my fault. He was really clever too how he made it my fault. And I got the "I'm not IN love with you speech". 
In our case, as soon as I found out, I changed the locks, kicked his sorry butt out. He'd emotionally abused me AND our kids too long. So when I had confirmation, out he went and I went to her family and told them (her family used to be friends of ours. I told her brother he was furious..should have heard what he called her!)...
As soon as I kicked him out, reality hit. She was not so special anymore. We have reconciled, its been 18 months and its been hard to forget the I'm not in love with you speech which he is terribly ashamed of. I thought I'd share his perspective "there is only one kind of love for your wife, you have it or you don't. I had it, just denied it to justify the sh## I was doing." 
The blaming me, same thing. He said that was completely to deny the shame to himself and it didn't work. The A made him miserable. Your H displaying same things. 
Anyway, you are reacting with class and dignity but girl, some days it will hurt like hell. Hang in there, do what's right, set the example for your kids and always be proud of your own behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The exposure of the affair is the best chance you have of keeping your husband. They will HATE walking around knowing everyone hopefully) is condemning them; it takes all the fun out of the affair. At that point, they have two choices: stop seeing each other, or go ahead and 'prove' to everyone they're in luuuvvv by leaving their spouses and shacking up together.

As long as you're doing an amazing 'Plan A' - look and smell great, cook his favorite foods, meets his needs, never Love Bust him, stroke his ego, etc. - he'll start wondering what he thought was so great about her. And he'll start to realize (hopefully) it's just not worth it, that now that you're giving him all he wants, he may as well choose you. Sounds terrible, but this is what you're stuck with.

Stay calm, Plan A him, do anything you can to get in the way of the affair. If he texts her from home, confront it - tell him it's disrespectful to carry on an affair in YOUR home and if he has to contact her, he can do it from outside the house. Kind of like, if you want to smoke, you have to go outside; after awhile, you wonder if it's worth it.

You have the RIGHT and the DUTY to fight this invader of your marriage. If you snap him out of the fog, he will thank you. Later.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there Tunera, 
thanks for taking the time to listen and suggest, I guess I already have Plan "A" in effect, I think I started to do this because I realized that the marriage wasn't only his fault and that the affair only happened because he gave up on us.....
I was thinking well if he is set on going to her(OW) he would be leaving me while I was at my best....
I thought at least we will split on very good terms. 
I guess we will see what happens when the news is out there and he has to deal with the truth of all that..
I know he feels very guilty about everything he finally admitted that to me a couple of days ago, I think he just doesn't know how to deal with the fact that he decided we were over and then he decided to go to another woman and now has feelings for her.
He told me if he could turn back the hands of time he would not have made any of those decisions....
But now he doesn't feel deep love for me and has feelings for her.....
I'm looking good, smelling good, exercising, these are things I always do anyway.....
I'm not really saying anything about our relationship I have asked him to be respectful of me while he is still living with me, that means seeing her outside of work, phone, texts that kind of thing.....I can't be 100% sure but it seems like he no longer wants to hurt me with more disrespect....
I can only control me and he has to make the decisions for his life, I told him I'm here and willing to talk about the whole situation if he choses to do so......
Otherwise I will wish him good luck with his new life


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