# It's Over



## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

I've been lurking here for quite a while now. Several months. And I read many stories and took a lot of advice to heart.

I was suspecting my wife of having an affair. So based upon advice here, I installed tracking software on our PC, put a VAR in her car, etc. And even got a PI to record them meeting at a hotel; and leaving 90 minutes later.

The emails, VAR conversations, and PI video nail her conclusively. So should I confront her, or have a divorce lawyer have her served, by surprise?


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## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

I'm not afraid to confront her. Neither of us are violent. I just don't want to give her any advantage in our divorce by telling her before I file...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You have the element of surprise here. And divorce, as a man, can get nasty. I would advise you to seek out the best lawyer first and then have them advise you step by step to include getting 1/2 your money out of accounts, not to leave the house and so on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Julian420 said:


> I've been lurking here for quite a while now. Several months. And I read many stories and took a lot of advice to heart.
> 
> I was suspecting my wife of having an affair. So based upon advice here, I installed tracking software on our PC, put a VAR in her car, etc. And even got a PI to record them meeting at a hotel; and leaving 90 minutes later.
> 
> The emails, VAR conversations, and PI video nail her conclusively. So should I confront her, or have a divorce lawyer have her served, by surprise?


No hope for reconciliation?

Do you know the OM?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

I'd only confront if there is any chance you want to reconcile. 

If you don't (and I wouldn't), then say nothing and file. 

It seems that being able to prove adultery rarely matters in divorce court (check your state).

Take the time before she's served to protect your interests.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

According to your title I assume there is 0% chance of reconciliation so it just depends on the shock value you would like to achieve. If you want maximum then go on as if you know nothing and have her served, preferably in a public place, like at her office/job, unless of course you need her to keep the job for alimony purposes. Alternatively, a family get together would be a nice touch so you could expose and serve at the same time. Up to you.

If you're not really into the shock and awe factor then you could just sit her down and tell her it's over and that she will be receiving papers to sign.

I don't know your situation but in either case be prepared when she freaks out and begs you to take her back and again, when she tells POSOM and he freaks out and tells her he can't totally commit to her and dumps her.

Just saying be prepared. Steel your resolve, if that is your intent because reality is very sobering.

Good luck to you.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

Julian420 said:


> I'm not afraid to confront her. Neither of us are violent. I just don't want to give her any advantage in our divorce by telling her before I file...


What do you want out of it all? A divorce? A second chance with reconciliation? There is a dearth of info that would help many others far more versed in this than me to help you but you give little to go on.

A little background and where you want to take it from here will elucidate your concerns. 

I wish you well regardless. Nothing is easy from this point.

Cheers,
V(13)


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If your mind is set on D, then put your affairs in order. To start, see a lawyer, find out what your financial rights and responsibilities are in your state. Some states consider adultery, most don't care (no fault). Start protecting and separating you assets and finances. 

How old are you? How long married? Children?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Get your house in order first.

Talk to a lawyer and seek the best one you can find.

File and don't give her a reason, just say you have grown apart. 

Hold off the discovery until you need to use it for shock valur.

Never show your entire hand, and the more you operate in the shadow , the better you control the situation.

After the lawyers, cancel cards, open new bank accounts, and get a list of all assets. 

Send her the divorce papers. 

Don't show all you know yet. 

It may send her into shock and disorientate her and send her reeling.

Just say you have grown apart and don't love her anymore.


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## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> No hope for reconciliation?
> 
> Do you know the OM?


No R for me...just couldn't settle for her after what she did...

The OM was one of her old BF that I never knew.


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## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> According to your title I assume there is 0% chance of reconciliation so it just depends on the shock value you would like to achieve. If you want maximum then go on as if you know nothing and have her served, preferably in a public place, like at her office/job, unless of course you need her to keep the job for alimony purposes. Alternatively, a family get together would be a nice touch so you could expose and serve at the same time. Up to you.
> 
> If you're not really into the shock and awe factor then you could just sit her down and tell her it's over and that she will be receiving papers to sign.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I will hang tough no matter what she says. No way I could take her back.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I wouldn't say anything get a lawyer and serve her.
Does she work?
If so serve her there.


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## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

tom67 said:


> I wouldn't say anything get a lawyer and serve her.
> Does she work?
> If so serve her there.


Yes she works. At the same place as her AP.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Julian420 said:


> Yes she works. At the same place as her AP.


Julian put his arse on CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know and send it to his bosses and anyone else.
That's if you want to have fun.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Julian420 said:


> Yes she works. At the same place as her AP.


If you want revenge, have her served at work, out them on Cheaterville.

But if you don't want revenge, have her served quietly and privately and just let her fade away as quickly as you can.

Do you have any children?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. I would suggest to keep playing dumb husband for a couple of more days.

Use the time to clean out any finances from any joint accounts, consult a lawyer to find out your rights than have her served cold at work along with the proof from the PI.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stay quiet. Don't show your hand. Get everything in order then have her served at work in front of her OM and everyone. Do it on a Friday and be conveniently gone the whole weekend on a camping trip or some such. Keep your phone off. 

when you return, tell her you have physical proof of her cheating and you will expose her infidelity unless she is fair to you in the divorce. If she gets nasty? Exposure time...to employer, friends and family. 

Blackmail? No. I prefer the term extortion.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Diversion, subterfuge, and Sabotage.

Also misinformation.

Use these ideas to your advantage.

Keep her off balance. 

Use the evidence of second round of shock avalue. 

Time it correctly and she will have to do more damage control and focus less on you and your doings.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Yeah. If you've had it with her. Get a good lawyer, and get prepared first. 

Above all cover yourself first in this situation. She's already effed you over, so do what you can to mitigate the damage the sexist courts can do to you. Morals mean nothing now. Your male-ness will harm you far more than her skank-ness will her. What great progress.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

If I were to recieve divorce papers at my workplace, out of the blue, I would want to die right then and there. Shame, surprise, anxiety... You name it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Since there's no hope for reconciliation ...
First, lawyer up and protect your interests. Keep spouse in the dark as long as possible. If you are having anxiety problems see doctor for temporary meds. Also consider a personal counselor to help start the healing process.

I'm a big fan in making sure the cheating spouse is the last to learn of the impending divorce. There's something about blindsiding and dumping a cheater that is strangely therapeutic. Gives the self esteem a booster shot at a crucial time. 

This does not imply being cruel about it, just decisive.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

As she doesn't know you know, you have time to get all your ducks in a row and protect yourself financially, see a lawyer and prepare your divorce and find out everything you need to know on the legal side o things.

I don't see any reason to go easy on her, so I would have her served at work, just make sure she doesn't risk losing her job, if you might be called to pay spousal support.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

italianjob said:


> I don't see any reason to go easy on her, so I would have her served at work, just make sure she doesn't risk losing her job, if you might be called to pay spousal support.


What he said.

Once she has to take care off kids on her own and around her fairy tale life stile. It will just tickel down from there for her. Let her keep the kids during devorce. It will be a buss killer for lifestyle. But still try to fight for them. Cheating spouses has some what less spourt in court


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Have her served at work. You don't need to tell her anything.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

There is no discernible strategy in outright confronting her. You have sadly already found out where her loyalty lies, and is obviously not with you as the man she took her vows with before God.

Blindside her with the divorce petition just as she blindsided you with the affair.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A couple of people asked if you had kids, and how long you have been married. Not to pry, but because there are financial ramifications depending on the answers.

If you have been married a relatively short time, you usually won't have to pay much if any spousal support/alimony. So depending on how long you are married it may make a difference whether or not to expose her affair at work and she ends up losing her job. Revenge is great. Writing a monthly check is not.

As far as kids, again if you have kids you don't want her losing her job. Not good for the kids, or your bank account.

Good luck man and sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you found out the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rockland45 (Oct 6, 2011)

Hey, just caught this post and wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this. From reading through the comments, it doesn't look like you're interested in trying to reconcile? But you still might want to see about speaking to a therapist about this situation. I'm sure they have a lot of experience with issues like these and might be able to give you some advice on whether to confront her or not, and, if so, how to do it. Just a thought. In the meantime, hang in there!

rockland45
#girlluvs2garden#


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Julian

If you have no desire to reconcile and will be able to break things off cleanly then I would serve her at work.

It sends a clear message to her and the OM that you are not to be trifled with.

I would also go one step further.

I would send the evidence to her family. On the same day.

I would send it with a letter stating clearly why you are divorcing their daughter. That you ask for their support/prayers while you go through the difficult process of divorce.

By doing this it does not allow any room for your wife's lies. It also sends a clear message to her family that you are not to be trifled with.

And by exposing the affair and your intent to divorce it tells your wife that the BS and games are over.

All she has to do is sign the papers so you can move on.

That is what I would do. Surprise her. She deserves it.

HM


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

One other thing. Doesn't matter which way you handle it by either having her served at work or face to face, you make sure that when the time comes to drop the hammer, you have a VAR in your pocket to protect yourself.

In situations like this, she might beg plead cry to get you to give her one more chance and when she sees that it's not happening and she has her back to the wall, there's a chance she might drop the gloves and want get even for the nasty surprise you gave her and believe me, IT HAPPENS, and she could very well try to push you into a confrontation, call the cops and your ass will be hauled away. maybe it wont happen but DO NOT TAKE THE CHANCE. Make sure you have it on you and keep it with you at all times until she's gone


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Have her served at work. You don't need to tell her anything.


OP she can add 2&2 right?

Serve her at work and move on

55


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Just 6 weeks till Christmas. Time to sort out finances (etc), buy her a nice big suitcase, stick D papers in it, wrap it with a big glittery bow and leave it under your tree.

"Merry Christmas honey!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Just 6 weeks till Christmas. Time to sort out finances (etc), buy her a nice big suitcase, stick D papers in it, wrap it with a big glittery bow and leave it under your tree.
> 
> "Merry Christmas honey!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is pure evil.
.
.
.
.
.
.
And I love it!


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Did she give you a warning? Just serve and be done.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Just 6 weeks till Christmas. Time to sort out finances (etc), buy her a nice big suitcase, stick D papers in it, wrap it with a big glittery bow and leave it under your tree.
> 
> "Merry Christmas honey!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me.......... get the f""k out and leave the tree!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me.......... get the f""k out and leave the tree!


:smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Julian420 said:


> The emails, VAR conversations, and PI video nail her conclusively. So should I confront her, or have a divorce lawyer have her served, by surprise?


I would just tell her what you found out and that you want a divorce. Just be direct.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I also vote for having her served at work.

Almost 20 years ago I worked for a large company. One day four women were called down to the front desk. Each received a summons by a big burly officer in uniform. It was to show up at the divorce hearing for one of the managers. I was clueless and called the manager to basically say WTF??!!?? He explained that his wife thought we might be having an affair. I asked why she would think that since I barely knew him. He said she was crazy. 

So we show up in court, wife looks at us and whispers to her attorney. I was excused, along with all but one of the others (who was also married!). I guess she knew what the woman looked like but not the name? Anyway, it was quite the scandal at work. With the way it went down, it was pretty humiliating for the two cheaters. Both cheaters ended up divorced, but not with each other. The manager, who was a rising star, was passed up on promotions and finally left. The female was eventually laid off.

Do it at work!


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Do not confront.

Waterworks may distract you from the task at hand. You may very well waver.

Do what must be done, Lord Vader. Do not hesitate. Show no mercy.


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Do what Shamwow did.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If the other guy is married or has a gf make sure she knows the same day she is served.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Here's the deal. While confrontation might be cathartic and dramatic, and possibly fun, it rarely helps. Divorce is a messy business, and best left to professionals. You should not even serve her the papers, but have them served by the representative of your attorney. You should have as little contact with the WS as possible, and even then do not discus the affair or divorce, but only mundane, day-to-day problems and actions. This is to protect YOUR interests, and make sure that she (or her attorneys) have no grounds for counter action. My advice is to let the lawyer dot the I's and cross the T's, and you become a ghost.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

J420, though I would be seriously tempted to have her served at work, that action can be used against you in court, ("public humiliation"), especially if she gets a scumbag lawyer who wants to win at all costs.

But I would tell her family, just to explain why I will no longer be showing up at family events.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

F-102 said:


> J420, though I would be seriously tempted to have her served at work, that action can be used against you in court, ("public humiliation"), especially if she gets a scumbag lawyer who wants to win at all costs.
> 
> But I would tell her family, just to explain why I will no longer be showing up at family events.


Having someone LEGALLY served calling it public humiliation is a stretch imo.
Then I would have my attorney show ALL the proof of the affair since they decided to open up pandora's box.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Now, don't disappear on us, Julian, as quite a few others have done. They start a thread, post a few times (only 5 for you, I think) and then we can practically hear the crickets chirping as we wait to hear how it all played out. Give us an update when you can. I, for one, would love to hear how your stbx reacts when she discovers that her little secret has been exposed.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

thummper said:


> Now, don't disappear on us, Julian, as quite a few others have done. They start a thread, post a few times (only 5 for you, I think) and then we can practically hear the crickets chirping as we wait to hear how it all played out. Give us an update when you can. I, for one, would love to hear how your stbx reacts when she discovers that her little secret has been exposed.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0YIJQ1jgEI:D


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## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Julian
> 
> If you have no desire to reconcile and will be able to break things off cleanly then I would serve her at work.
> 
> ...


Thank you sir.

After reading with humbled gratefulness the many heart-felt replies here (thank you all SO MUCH), I deem your advice the most fundamentally sound. Thank you. I have learned much here indeed.

And thank all of you. I so appreciate all the input here, however varied.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm with happyman.

Why confront her and have to listen to all her bull crap. Expose it to her family and have her served. 
Hopefully she sees it's over and will just leave you alone.

But be prepared for the old "I would have wanted to work it out if you didn't tell my family"...:lol::rofl::lol:

Like WTF you would even want her after all this.....just be prepared...cheater have lost all logic....they will say some really stupid sh1t.

Thats whats so great about exposure it pisses cheater off enough to leave you alone, thatv and having her served at work.

Blind siding her is your best bet to piss her off enough to stay away from you as much as possible.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

And has she been served?


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## Julian420 (Nov 11, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> And has she been served?


Will be tomorrow...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So there are at least 2 things going for you by blindsiding her 1) she won't have time to make you look like the bad guy and 2) it will piss her off enough to never want to see you again ( so you don't have to listen to all her bs).

Oh ya and 1 more .....3) it finally gives you a few more step ahead of her instead of being a few steps behind her!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats your plan for exposure?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Good luck tomorrow.

And you will get the text or telephone call from her most likely.
She will be mad or desperate.

Cool, calm and dispassionate win the day.

Keep a var on you at all times.

Just to protect yourself.

HM


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Good luck tomorrow.
> 
> And you will get the text or telephone call from her most likely.
> She will be mad or desperate.
> ...


:iagree:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you do not confront prior to service---then when she does get the papers and comes home---only you, who lives with her, will know how she will react

As for you, when the confrontation after service comes----make sure you stick to your guns---as to your demeanor---BE ICY CALM, actually be CALM, COOL, AND COLLECTED

Say what you have to say---do not discuss, get into q and a, or argue---state your piece, and probably best thing to do, is leave for a few hours---let her stew in her own juices----prior to leaving, in all reality, you can't kick her out of the house---but you can tell her to get out of the master bedroom, tell her to relocate herself, and all her clothes and sundries in some room elsewhere in the house------whatever you do at this point---no physical sex----otherwise your whole basis for all of this comes tumbling down-----actually pull a good solid hard 180 on her

conversation should only be about what is necessary for continued living, under the same roof---also make sure she knows from this point on---she is to pay half of ALL the bills, including car payments/mtg payments/insurance payments-----stick to your plan---don't weaken


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Julian420 said:


> Will be tomorrow...


I know you are in a very dark place thank you for the update.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Julian420 said:


> Chaparral said:
> 
> 
> > And has she been served?
> ...


Don't forget to expose to OMW, she deserves to know who she is married to.

Also an email to OM and STBE, whising them to be happy toguether would be a gentlemans touch.

As you are not into R, don't aloud her to explain\jutify\blame you\beg\cry about the affair, as others have told be cold and calm.

Don't call her names, being like you don't care is even worse than insult her.

Don't ask her why, she would lie or blame you. I asure you she doesnt know any way.

If she, after being served and exposed big time, is still in the fog she is going to be very mad, if this happens avoid any contact or be with a friend and a var when talk ing to her face to face, she could try to trick you.

Good luck


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Julian420 said:


> No R for me...just couldn't settle for her after what she did...
> 
> The OM was one of her old BF that I never knew.


I speculate that your wife's interest which became an affair was ongoing before and after your marriage. As they work at the same place, this is more disturbing. I commend you for your discipline in uncovering this affair. I agree with the posters that you should not show your hand, but consult an attorney. You have done so already.

Continue to post as venting can help you cope with your healing process. You will get support and varied opinions in TAM which can assist you in further situations.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The trauma of this is one of the worse things a person can go through. Ptsd counseling is one of your best moves to heal more rapidly than trying to go it alone. Also, see your MD for temporary help. Unfortunately they see this often.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

tom67 said:


> I know you are in a very dark place thank you for the update.


As much as I am happy you are able to stick it to her in the end.. I agree with the above quote.. I know it sucks regardless, who wants this kind of mess. 

You're a strong man to deal with this so calmly.. I couldn't.. It all gets better in time. But its a pain the a$$ waiting around for it to happen.. 

Its the conundrum of life unfortunately..


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I'd like to kow how this allaplays out. It's the morbid side of me, ya see...


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Julian420 said:


> Will be tomorrow...


Good luck and Well done for following through


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I wonder how it all went?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you have her served at work?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Did you tell her parents?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Did you have Chineese for lunch?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Bump.

Julian, where art thou?


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