# She Cheated, I forgave, She lied



## leftstanding (Jul 10, 2011)

Unfortunately I've found my way to this forum a number of times in the past 4 years. This is my first post.

My wife and I will celebrate (suffer?) our 4 year anniversary next week. I found out in March of this year she'd cheated on me with her co-worker (he doesn't work there anymore and lives 6+ hours away) barely a year after we'd been married.

Immediately we went into therapy and agreed to total transparency as well as she cutting off all contact with the offending co-worker. I forgave her for the wrong-doing and we agreed to work on making "us" better. 

Flash-forward to today. I used her computer to check the internet status (it's been flaky lately) and her work email was up. I checked the sent messages and found out she'd tried to arrange a meeting (to "catch up") with him a mere two weeks after I'd found out and we'd agreed to therapy and no contact. The meeting didn't happen according to her. Not only that but she emailed him just a week ago about some books he'd borrowed. I think that's a bull**** reason and she's still trying to carry on the affair emotionally, something she's admitted to before. Regardless it's a direct violation of the no contact policy we agreed to.

I'm really thinking of pulling the plug at this point. I just can't stand to be played like this. Of course she says she's sorry and it was a weak moment but how many more of these do I have to suffer through?

This is a straw for sure, but is it the straw that broke the camel's back? I don't know what that feels like and I wish I've never have to contemplate it...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Is the co-worker married - if so expose this to his wife, if single expose it to his parents. 

Contact your wife's parents and let them know of the affair and ask for their support to protect your marriage. 

Do not tell her of either of the above, do these items first and wait for the fall out. 

She has to send a hand written no contact letter to the OM , and deleted all the mail accounts and numbers. As she is the one initiating contact I suggest she gives up all access to the internet. if she complains then she is not trying to save the marriage. Then run a 180 and take time out to decide your next steps.


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## weR2 (Jul 9, 2011)

Seems to me that I would let her explore what she wants, if she returns you won! If she doesn't, then you were still the good guy because you allowed her to go find what she really wanted. She will love you more for the chance to be sure. Of course I try to think optimistically, I try to find the good in what seems bad.

Society and religion have brainwashed us with their morals and ideals and we accept them. But, is that what we as an individual really need? We are not machines! Society and religion says that gay marriage is wrong, but, as we see now that gays have been in the church for years, centuries. And now, the government is starting to allow gay marriages. What does this mean? Did they err? Maybe we need to find within our own self what we really need for our own self. It is each our own life that we are leading and each our own freedom to live it. Live and let live. HOW CAN WE DICTATE TO ANYONE HOW THEY SHOULD ACT, WHO THEY SHOULD BE FRIENDS WITH, ETC ETC. America, land of the free. Slavery and ownership went away a long time ago. Give her room to breathe and to find herself, you would want the same. Trust me!
If you truly love her you will give her the opportunity to really find out what she wants. Communication and UNDERSTANDING are the key. Be happy with whatever she decides and support her.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Have you confronted her about this? If you haven't, as much as you'd like to show her your latest findings, I suggest to lie in wait...install a key logger, get a VAR, anything you can to assist you in compiling as much evidence as you can - so that when you do confront her, it will be concrete, and she can't crawl under any excuse/or lie that it was "harmless", as she undoubtedly will.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Don't put up with this. Time to bail. Really. Don't waste your life on her. Don't play the let her go BS and if she returns to you it is ok. It is not ok period. You forgave her once. More than I might. Easy for me to say, but twice is flat out. YMMV.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wer2 said:


> seems to me that i would let her explore what she wants, if she returns you won! If she doesn't, then you were still the good guy because you allowed her to go find what she really wanted. She will love you more for the chance to be sure. Of course i try to think optimistically, i try to find the good in what seems bad.
> 
> Society and religion have brainwashed us with their morals and ideals and we accept them. But, is that what we as an individual really need? We are not machines! Society and religion says that gay marriage is wrong, but, as we see now that gays have been in the church for years, centuries. And now, the government is starting to allow gay marriages. What does this mean? Did they err? Maybe we need to find within our own self what we really need for our own self. It is each our own life that we are leading and each our own freedom to live it. Live and let live. How can we dictate to anyone how they should act, who they should be friends with, etc etc. America, land of the free. Slavery and ownership went away a long time ago. Give her room to breathe and to find herself, you would want the same. Trust me!
> If you truly love her you will give her the opportunity to really find out what she wants. Communication and understanding are the key. Be happy with whatever she decides and support her.


lol. Ufb


Put the crack pipe down.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Is the co-worker married - if so expose this to his wife, if single expose it to his parents.
> 
> Contact your wife's parents and let them know of the affair and ask for their support to protect your marriage.
> 
> ...


I would suggest against these tactics. They rely too heavily on controlling the situation. It could lead to more infedelity.

You need to think about whether or not you really do forgive her. Conditional forgiveness is a form of control. You attemp-ted to control through forbidding any additional contact with this individual, it didnt work. Im not saying what you did is wrong, I would likely do the same in your shoes. 

Id get a reason why she contacted him after the fact. That "moment of weakness" excuse is an oldy, because after the "moment" she should have fessed up and been honest. It was obviously more than a moment. 

Fixing your relationship is going to take two people who want to. If she truly wants to, then stopping all communication with the OM should be very easy, unless an EA took place as well.

Its a long ugly road most people shouldnt bother walking, and by the sounds of things she may try to hide more from you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think she has shown you how valuable the marriage is to her, and how trustworthy she is.

Believe what her actions are telling you.

You deserve better and you were more then generous in giving her a second chance. She blew it.

I disagree that what you are doing is controlling because she should willingly want to be open and prove to you without a doubt that she in in the marriage.


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

My response to your wife...REALLY?!

I wish I could say that she meant no harm in trying to meet up with him but something inside her still excites her to communicate with him and she has no control over it. If she had control, she wouldn't have tried to email him to meet him. 

I don't know if you should stay or go...I am not in your situation. I know I have some serious trust issues and my husband cheated on me once...I don't know how much lower my trust could go if I saw he tried to contact his **** again - eeerrrr - just saying that makes me want to throw something.

Good luck... 

Infidelity Rage


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

yeh dude you need to bounce. She doesnt value you or your marriage and she she spitting in your face on purpose. All you have to do is look at her actions... they are telling you that she more concerned with him then with you. If she wants to act single then you should let her be single and walk away...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Is the co-worker married - if so expose this to his wife, if single expose it to his parents.
> 
> Contact your wife's parents and let them know of the affair and ask for their support to protect your marriage.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

It seems your WW is still emotionally attached to her OM since she's broken NC twice, as recently as a week ago. NC means NC, and this is a serious breach. This is your line in the sand. You have to decide for yourself if this last broken NC is the deal breaker for you. Whatever you do, you now have no choice but to show that there is some consequences for breaking the NC, or else you can expect her or the OM to continue to fish. 

And it won't matter if he's 6 hours away if they resume contact, because an EA is just as bad as a PA. Contact the OMW or his GF if he has one, if the A hasn't been exposed to her.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

weR2 said:


> Seems to me that I would let her explore what she wants, if she returns you won! If she doesn't, then you were still the good guy because you allowed her to go find what she really wanted. She will love you more for the chance to be sure. Of course I try to think optimistically, I try to find the good in what seems bad.
> 
> Society and religion have brainwashed us with their morals and ideals and we accept them. But, is that what we as an individual really need? We are not machines! Society and religion says that gay marriage is wrong, but, as we see now that gays have been in the church for years, centuries. And now, the government is starting to allow gay marriages. What does this mean? Did they err? Maybe we need to find within our own self what we really need for our own self. It is each our own life that we are leading and each our own freedom to live it. Live and let live. HOW CAN WE DICTATE TO ANYONE HOW THEY SHOULD ACT, WHO THEY SHOULD BE FRIENDS WITH, ETC ETC. America, land of the free. Slavery and ownership went away a long time ago. Give her room to breathe and to find herself, you would want the same. Trust me!
> If you truly love her you will give her the opportunity to really find out what she wants. Communication and UNDERSTANDING are the key. Be happy with whatever she decides and support her.


LMFAO! Yeah, this is EXACTLY what we should all do with our cheating spouses. Let them cheat until they decide if your actually good enough for second choice.

Are you on heroin? Smoking something you shouldn't be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lyngreen504 (Jun 7, 2011)

If you were a female I would tell you to leave the dude, he's not worth it, but because your a man I'm saying, Put up with it.... I'm just kidding. What makes it okay for her to do this to you especially when you are trying this hard. You two make a promise to each other. If you would have broken it would she of had put up with it? why are you? From my perspective, trust is fragile. Once it's gone, it's very hard to regain it. If she wanted you to trust her, her actions would show different. I know this would suck, but let her see if the grass is greener on the other side (it never really is). By that time you might have moved on passed her, that's the risk you both take, but you can't keep living with her betraying you and going behind your back, unless you want to. Its up to you. It's hard to leave someone you love, but you need to receive the same love your giving. I hope the best for you!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Whatever your consequence was for her breaking no contact was....you need to enforce it. If not...you will be seen as a doormat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You need to dump the skank yesterday.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Contact your wife's parents and let them know of the affair and ask for their support to protect your marriage.


Do that and your wife will come at you like a Screaming Banshee, just like all the other wives have done whose husband’s followed that particular recommendation.

And you will lose any hope of recovery with your wife. However, if you want to totally and utterly lose your wife for ever then go right ahead and do it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Left-
there are steps and plans, and when it comes to infidelity you are making and taking steps of your life.

Your 2nd conforontation is a step, exposure is a step, planing a divorce is a step....a final one but there are steps that will either get you there or not. These step are there b/c every sitch. has different response from the wayward spouse. Your WS responses may be incouraging it may not.

Granted this is a pro marriage site , but its only been 4 years and she stepped out right of the bat, and I'm sure you gave her the "if you do it again" speech. So keep to your word and bail.

What other consequence do you feel she needs to prevent this again? Like for many police dept. the cheating police dept. (in whitch I'm a member) can only do so much prevention, and when WS are willing to break the law again and again and knowing the cost, there is only so much a betrayed spouse can do.

Or like in some replies here... she needs to be rewarded there by preventing her from fishing for the OM in the future.

O by the way I have a bridge for sale..interested?

So the question you ask your self, is her fishing for the OM worth a D, or some other consequence worthy of a suitable prevention plan. The main point will she do this again and what will prevent her from stepping out later down the M?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I'd start the process, openly filing for D. This lets her know her breach of NC is in fact a deal-breaker for you, you are serious, and the consequences are real. The dialogue around your 180-ish approach should be calm and cool, that you recognize her wrods are words -- but actions are proof. Either she wants to be in and can/will prove it 100% of the time, or she won't. Thus far, she hasn't, and therefore you are taking the conseuential action to give her what she appraently really wants, as demonstrated through her actions.

You can let the D process continue, and pull it off the table at any time, right to the final moment. 

Meanwhile, if you're wanting to give R a whirl, you get to MC, deal with the 'why' she's seeking company outside the marriage, and make your own assessment during this process of whether you truly do want to be with her, or not. And I'd be quite open about that as well.

During this time, she (a) goes formal NC, proving it to you, with crystla clear direction that any breach, D accelerates (b) gives you full transparency to cell/email/chat/computer, and (c) work harder than you at the marriage, to get your forgiveness and demonstrate to you that she wants to be there. Anything less, your D action continues to take you where you'll need to be. Again, you can always pull it back.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Go on, tell everyone that is her support group, parents, everyone.

But you know what?

Even if you do, and I told my wife's parents when I found out years ago, she will still cheat AND be furious and self justifying.

Hardly any different than before but your in-laws may be of help to you to cope with their spawn.

I agree with others that whatever was your line in the sand, enforce it!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2xloser has the best plan. File for separation today and start your 180. If she apologizes, tell her you'll consider it, but you're not foolish enough to halt separation/divorce proceedings.

Divorce can take many months. A few months into the future, you'll have a much better picture of whether she's serious. If she's not, you can pull the trigger on the divorce rather than start the long process then.

Also, this shows your wife that you're serious. Another warning is not serious. Right now, she's wondering how to explain the next time she's discovered in a way that you'll accept.


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## diva123 (Jul 12, 2011)

I am sorry what you are going through. Ithurts to be the door matt and get taken advantage of and lied to. Been there. You dont deserve to be hurt like this. No one deserves to be hurt and taken advantage of especially when your the only one trying. you need to decide what you really want and if your spiritual pray about it. Cause You dont want to look back and say "look at all the years i wasted on someone who couldnt love me back, when i could have been with someone who truly loved me." good luck.. i know what your going through.


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