# How do I enjoy sex?



## seekingquestions (Nov 26, 2013)

I've been thinking about this for awhile, and I'm at a loss. I've tried to read books, but didn't like the ones I read. I'm not even totally sure what I'm looking to get, but I would really like some advice.

Physically, sex has always been difficult for me. I have rarely reached orgasm. I haven't had an orgasm with H in about 3 years, maybe longer. Before that it was pretty spotty. For a long while we were fighting about sex, and at some point I told him he didn't put in enough effort. Which was true, foreplay wasn't nearly long enough. During this time I tried a vibrator for the first time. Now when I want attention I have sex, and when I want to orgasm I use my vibe. I've been this way for years. Part of me thinks I should just toss the vibes. The only time I've come close to orgasming during sex is when I haven't used them in awhile. 

Then he started educating himself about sex and putting in a lot more effort, and I liked the attention so much even if physically it wasn't doing much for me that I started faking it to keep it going. 

My issue is that mentally I used to still enjoy sex, but lately even that is fading. I work full time, I'm doing some additional coursework, and I have a two year old. We have someone who comes to clean twice a week but besides that I do all the cooking and housework, and I'm always the one taking our daughter out on the weekends. I am also her primary care taker during the week. I get her up, get her ready, take her to nursery, play toys/blocks/trains during our free time, and do bath and bed time most nights. DH picks her up from nursery and stays with her for about an hour before I come home from work. Usually she takes her nap then and I get her up a little while after I come home. He will hang out with her while I'm cooking dinner or doing dishes, but even that is sticking her in front of youtube or maybe taking her for a 5 minute walk. 

I do not go to bed. I fall into bed and I'm asleep by the time I hit the pillow. DH likes to stay up late and sleep late, and good for him he can make his work schedule fit his personal preference, but I'm up by 5:30 and normally go to bed between 10:30-11:30. Pretty much the only time he wants to have sex is after I'm asleep. Before we had kids and were working stiffs this was fine. Not ideal for me, but fine and fun sometimes. I liked feeling wanted. 

Now though it is distinctly not fine to the point where I get pissed off about it. I'm so busy just trying to wake up and feeling resentful that I'm so tired in the first place I don't even enjoy it mentally anymore. Since I'm not putting in much effort I'm not getting much in return either, and I feel like this whole thing is just a vicious cycle. Heaven forbid we should ever have sex when I feel like it, which is almost never anyways lately. This has always been a huge a problem in our sex life for me. 9 times out of 10 he will turn me down if I want it, so we end up only having sex when he wants it. Which sucks. It sucks to get turned down all the time, and I try not to do that to him, but lately I have been more and more. 

This week I finally had a bit of a meltdown, not about sex specifically but about the lack of help from him and how exhausted I am all the time. We agreed he would take the girl out for a few hours every weekend. 

Part of me hopes this helps, but the other part of me thinks I had issues with sex long before we had a kid. I would be into it and then boom, it was like a light switch would go off in my head and I would be totally out of that state of mind. I have never, ever orgasmed during intercourse. I came close once with the boyfriend I had before DH, after lots and lots of foreplay and being told I was beautiful, special, hot all that. Then we had to stop because we were young and dumb and using the pull and pray method. I don't feel like that's the kind of effort any man is going to put in on a regular or even semiregular basis. There's always this stupid voice in the back of my head that is telling me DH isn't really into touching me, is getting bored, just wants to get on with it, etc etc. I can get into that sexy state of mind when I am doing things to him, but vice versa is so much more difficult. I've had orgasms from DH from manual stimulation and oral sex. Oral sex was only in the beginning of the relationship because he doesn't like it. He offers on occasion, but the idea of doing something that intimate with someone who doesn't even like it is such a huge turn off for me.

I can think of some things DH could do to help, but mostly I want to help myself, and get myself back into that mindset of "yay this is hot!" even if I never get to where I'd like to be.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Are you attracted to him? I only have your side of the story, but to me he seems like a very selfish person. Would the two of you be open to seeing a sex therapist? You might consider putting your cards on the table by telling him how you feel. If you continue down this road at some point you are going to become a walk away wife, or worse. Best wishes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe I'd start with changing my sexual goals. If your idea of "good" sex is achieving your orgasm but doing so is difficult with your husband, you will associate sex with your husband as being disappointing. If your goal is to have intimate time with your husband help him get off, sex will be a "win" every time. 
I don't think it's all that unusual for a woman to be unable to easily achieve orgasm through vaginal intercourse. The experience can be a chore or rewarding, depending entirely upon how you perceive it and what your objective is. 
If I color with my toddler and my goal is to create great art, we will both be disappointed. If my goal is to share bonding time with her, we'll both have a great time. If we practice enough, we will create great or acceptable art. 
Why is sex important to your relationship? If it's at least acceptable, you get to keep a husband and a father for your toddler. You'll have a closer relationship, a content husband, and the various benefits that come with a strong marriage and family. Lots of women have great sex but no husband or father for their kid. Orgasms are great but you have the power to have as many as you would like, regardless of how skillful your husband is.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

seekingquestions said:


> I came close once with the boyfriend I had before DH, after lots and lots of foreplay and being told I was beautiful, special, hot all that. ... I don't feel like that's the kind of effort any man is going to put in on a regular or even semiregular basis.


I had to call out this part because actually that is EXACTLY the kind of effort that men put in. Not foreplay by the clock and reading a script -- but being in touch with their W and what she is feeling, and if she needs more of X, Y, or Z, that's what they do. Your sex life as you describe it sounds very selfish on your H's part. 

I don't O easily either (unless I'm by myself)... I need a whole mental/emotional backdrop that takes a while to build up to... it's not just the physical part for me, in fact I would say the physical is only about 10%!! (though hard to quantify). Result: my H does the mental/emotional stuff I need. I also do the stuff he needs, of course. That's how it works when you have sex with another person... from the way you describe it, it sounds like he is masturbating in you and that is not the same as having sex WITH you.

As for the timing... you sound overwhelmed by your schedule. You are always exhausted and underappreciated (even if he is saying that he appreciates you, he's not, because he isn't doing more). He needs to parent his own child more, and you need to negotiate a much more equitable sharing of tasks. Can you escape for a weekend together at a hotel (just the two of you)? And just catch up on sleep, talk, be together, and see what happens? Then see if you can make it a regular thing (not the hotel, just having a weekend alone together). Do you have family members who can take your daughter for a few days once/month or something?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *seekingquestions said*: For a long while we were fighting about sex,* and at some point I told him he didn't put in enough effort. Which was true, foreplay wasn't nearly long enough.*


Your husband originally sounds like a selfish lover...you spoke to to him..this is good... he then put in more effort...with your saying this *>>* "Then he started educating himself about sex and putting in a lot more effort, and I liked the attention so much even if physically it wasn't doing much for me that *I started faking it to keep it going*"...

With your faking it.. unbeknownst to him... he had to be feeling really great -getting you there...so now you are right back to where you started...unfortunately...

Not all women can orgasm through PIV sex... does he do Oral on you ? ....or you & he can explore using some toys with your foreplay even...just a thought...it's so important for you to enjoy the experience...

Here is a variety of books on the Big "O" that you and he could explore together *>>* 



> I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide:
> 
> Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm:
> 
> ...





> Understanding The Female Orgasm - AskMen (small part of the article)...
> 
> Clitoris
> 
> ...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

seekingquestions said:


> 9 times out of 10 he will turn me down if I want it, so we end up only having sex when he wants it.


Agree with the poster that said he sounds selfish. I wouldn't enjoy sex with a man like that either.

This sentence especially stood out to me.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Ladies, the very best way to assure that you NEVER have an orgasm by having intercourse with your husband is to lie and fake having one. Guys aren't mind readers.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

hookares said:


> Ladies, Guys aren't mind readers.


So very true. tell us exactly what you want you bad bad girl. (see it can be oh so naughty too).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Agree with the poster that said he sounds selfish. I wouldn't enjoy sex with a man like that either.
> 
> This sentence especially stood out to me.


:iagree: serially turning down sex just because he isn't the one that thought of it first is just dumb. Just dumb.


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## seekingquestions (Nov 26, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your responses! 

Thank you so much for the list of books, SimplyAmorous. That is exactly what I was looking for. I actually already read "Tantric Orgasm for Women" and wasn't so crazy about it, but I'll look into the other ones.

As for people saying DH is selfish, well yes he can be. I would say it is absolutely his worst personality trait, and sometimes he needs a serious kick in the pants to get him out of that mindset. There are plenty of times he is completely unselfish as well, and he is also caring, generous, compassionate, a hard worker, and very loyal. If he didn't have lots of good traits to balance out the bad I wouldn't still be married to him. :smthumbup:

With all that said I still think I am most of the problem here. Him turning me down is his biggest nono is I think a reaction to being overwhelmed by his schedule as well. We both work alot, and both of our jobs require continuing ed on a near constant basis. Still, I've essentially been lying the past few years and I think that is worse. 

I think my biggest issue is that I'm too sensitive to rejection. Meaning I take nearly everything as rejection. DH will go along with anything sexual I suggest, but if he isn't "YAY THIS IS AWESOME LETS DO IT AGAIN" I'm going to take it as he didn't like it or at least wasn't crazy about it. Then it goes into the box of well that didn't work. I _know_ that if I just gave him more explicit directions during sex most of my problems would be solved, but I just have this serious mental block about doing that. Its the stupid voice in the back of my mind saying "what if he isn't into it"?

Omega, I'm really seeing your point about the emotional/mental backdrop. The times I've been most in the mood for sex are after we've actually done something together. That's what gives me that emotional connection. 

When I had my mini meltdown last week he did sit down and say "ok, tell me what you need and I will do it", which I think is the only time he's ever said anything like that. I may revisit that conversation in terms of I need more affection, especially verbal, and to spend more one on one time together. We don't have any family close by, but we can at least hire a babysitter for a few hours a few times a month.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

seekingquestions said:


> My issue is that mentally I used to still enjoy sex, but lately even that is fading. I work full time, I'm doing some additional coursework, and I have a two year old. We have someone who comes to clean twice a week but besides that I do all the cooking and housework, and I'm always the one taking our daughter out on the weekends. I am also her primary care taker during the week. I get her up, get her ready, take her to nursery, play toys/blocks/trains during our free time, and do bath and bed time most nights. DH picks her up from nursery and stays with her for about an hour before I come home from work.


This right here is a main reason many women stop enjoying it - life gets in the way and they are expected to work AND still maintain the household, the family, and the husband. 

What you really need is to equalize the household so that he is an equal contributor, and then he will start appearing more appealing to you. 

It took him about 20 years, but my H finally realized that if he wanted a 'good night,' he'd better get off the couch and help me with the household chores that evening, or I'd be too tired and too apathetic. Whenever I see him up and helping, I know what he's planning, lol.

Point this out to your H.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

seekingquestions said:


> As for people saying DH is selfish, well yes he can be. I would say it is absolutely his worst personality trait, and sometimes he needs a serious kick in the pants to get him out of that mindset.


He can be selfish, but he can't ACT selfish if you aren't allowing it. Think about it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

turnera said:


> This right here is a main reason many women stop enjoying it - life gets in the way and they are expected to work AND still maintain the household, the family, and the husband.
> 
> What you really need is to equalize the household so that he is an equal contributor, and then he will start appearing more appealing to you.
> 
> ...


This is certainly true in some relationships, everything else being equal. However in some relationships there are other factors. Until all other underlying physical and emotional issues are sorted out, there aren't enough dishes a spouse can wash to make the other hot for them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

True, but for women, it is nearly universally a key ingredient in this day and age, when women also work yet are still expected to be the housewife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you able to orgasm on your own? Have you ever had an O?


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Sex starts WAY before you get to the bedroom. It is all emotional connection. It is an experience to share in the feelings that you have for each other throughout the day in a physical way. SO, hubby has to actually act like he cares about you, daughter, and supporting you. You, in turn, also have to act the same. The result, a little flirting here, and a little flirting there along with craziness in the sack. 

Emotionally educated, both of you need to become emotionally educated.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ditch the vibes. You said yourself that you can O when you don't use them for a time so get rid of them.

I understand that you are tired--busy schedules make us that way. How are yo connecting with him emotionally? cause that could be a huge reason of why you don't feel turned on--if you aren't connecting.


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