# Wives not respecting Husbands who earn less



## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Has any one else found that their Wives respect them less when their Wives earn more? I'm not talking about situations where a Husband isn't trying to pull his weight, he might be doing his up most it just happens she earns more. I'm of the view that when your a team it shouldn't matter who earns more as long as your both doing your best. 

In the over 10 years I've been with my wife there have been 2 periods totaling less then a year where she out earned me, the rest of the time I earned more then her often by double and at one point by 8 fold. Both times she earned more her level of respect for me dropped significantly. 

The first time she got a promotion with a significant pay rise which meant she over took my salary by about $3000/year. I was happy for her and us as it meant we were doing better as a team but her level of respect for me dropped even though I was earning the exact same as before her promotion. 

The second time she got a short term contract paying close to 6 figures/year while my base salary was about $20k/year less. I took all the over time I could get my hands on which closed the gap a little. Her respect for me dropped a lot and she accused me of not pulling my weight even though I was working more hours then she was and doing me best to get a higher paying job. 

I don't understand this so I was curious if other people have experienced this and would love to here from wives who have found them selves thinking less of their husbands when they out earn them. I currently earn more then my Wife but she's up for a promotion and I'm finding my self hoping that if she get's it it pays less then I earn even if it's only by a couple of thousand dollars/year. Logically I know this is stupid.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she lost respect t for you over a measly $3,000 she's got a huge problem.

From my point of view, it does not matter who earns more or less. What matters is that both are doing as much as they can to be a viable part of the team.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Yes Ele that's what I find confusing. 3k/year after tax meant we basically earned the same. I could kinda understand it if the difference was the result of me getting demoted but not when it was because she was promoted.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My female cousin is a financial adviser and she earns double what her police officer husband earns, but she still respects him. Perhaps you should take a more critical look at your wife, and set your boundary that you will not accept her disrespect. You should have a frank conversation and state your feelings from your point of view. Make her aware, and if she is and proceeds anyways, you really should look at your marriage as a whole.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Respect isn't given its earned.

You can't demand respect but you can tell your old lady to phuck off if she can't hold her tongue.

My point is folks will push and push and until you push back... you haven't set a boundary. You haven;t told her to stop...rethink her thought process and looked at the man she fell in love with.

Do you remember that guy...that confident guy that didn't take sh!T?

All's I'm saying is money ain't sh1t... who is going to wipe her ass when she's a hundred years old and can't wipe the spit from her chin..... 

Well unless you die first....but you get my point! She is *loved *and she might not find that again!


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## chunt (Feb 15, 2012)

I think that you should talk to her, about more than money. There could be something else wrong or going on. You said she was in a temp contract, it could be hugely stressful for her, and she could have worries about the finances after it ends. I make much more than my husband and I have a great deal of respect for him. she could feel with this contract if she is working more hours than she's used to she could need more help around the home


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Have already talked a lot about respect ect. It has not been easy to establish/enforce boundaries but we/I think/hope/appear to be getting there. 

Have brought this specific topic up with her but haven't been able to get an explanation which is why I've posted this so I can try and get a better understanding of where these feeling might come from.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You really don't want an explanation...trust me...it won't sound good even if she had the balls to tell you.

Let me just say she is around men that make 25 % more then her...that mean she is around a bunch of phuck sticks that make way more then you do.......

It's messed up dude but your old lady is a materialistic b!TCH!

Sorry I even went there but the way she is treating you is phucked up


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Unless one is sitting on their dead a?? then I don't think money should have anything to do with respect. Money is just money. Personally I don't understand what money has to do with respect in a marriage if both partners are working and not being a burden on the other partner.

I always made the same or more then my Ex, but never lost respect for him when I made more.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yeah, $3000 a year isn't enough to lord over anyone's head. I've never been with a woman who earned more (but it would be a nice change). My SIL earns quite a bit more than my brother, now, but they also both work hard in the home and outside. Goofy thing is they met when they were basically kids and got married within a month. Nobody thought it would last. They've been married over 35 years and they adore each other and chase each other around like shameless teenagers. They've got some money now but when they started they didn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out. Never heard either of them lord money over the other. Not sure what their secret is, maybe just dumb luck. They met and were instantly stupid for each other and been that way ever since.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the end of the day your old lady shouldn't be walking behind you or walking in front of you but next to you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Baseballmom6 said:


> Unless one is sitting on their dead a?? then I don't think money should have anything to do with respect. Money is just money. Personally I don't understand what money has to do with respect in a marriage if both partners are working and not being a burden on the other partner.


You chicks are still making 25% less then your counter parts. a bunch a years ago it was 50%. My great grand dad can't believe you women can now vote.

My point is (becareful the-guy).......

Some POS guy is making more money then OP and that is so phucking attractive......and to top it off the POS is younger and bigger.


My advice.... start phucking your old lady hard and if she wants to go to chick flick take her.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It's pretty much becoming a regular pattern that if a wife despises her husband because of lesser income, then it usually means that there was a preexisting respect issue to begin with.

This is just a personal aside, but boy it just seems like the world is getting uglier and uglier...as if there is no room for error in marriage anymore.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Where i am oil companies are a plenty and some wives not all seem to get their heads turned by the other higher earning guys there on flexitime and plenty of money to spend with weekends away and they lose sight they are only there as the marriage partnership allows her the step up to a high earning top job with husband providing childcare and other support especially as most folks from outside the area with no family about them,
A friends wife lost sight of that until he said yes please do spend another weekend away with them "bonding" but you can take the kids with you as like you said "relax he and them are just friends" and will gladly help out lol, now she only goes if absolutely crucial to the contract and weekends are now a happier place for him, sometimes a high earning wife has to remember that it's a team effort that gets her there and respect is given, 
ps i know same goes for some guys too


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> It's pretty much becoming a regular pattern that if a wife despises her husband because of lesser income, then it usually means that there was a preexisting respect issue to begin with.


Figured as much just trying to get an idea what those issues potentially could be. 

Also She finished high paid temp job a while back (was only a few months) and have had no issues with infidelity or head turning on her part


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Have already talked a lot about respect ect. It has not been easy to establish/enforce boundaries but we/I think/hope/appear to be getting there.
> 
> Have brought this specific topic up with her but haven't been able to get an explanation which is why I've posted this so I can try and get a better understanding of where these feeling might come from.


Wives disrespect their husbands because there is a need that they believe that is not being met. When they try to communicate that need (or in some cases EXPECT that we know what that need is already) and feel like it had been ignored, brushed off, minimized, etc...they may feel fear or get frustrated or angry. 

Some even feel hopeless and give up or consign themselves. Others feel unsafe and alone (particularly when a husband is not exhibiting traits that make her feel secure...which some women equate with financial earning) and grow spitefully resentful, feeling repulsed sexually and emotionally...no even bothering to hide their contempt. Most women do not get to this place overnight, but when they do, your old hat methods of appeasement will blow up in your face. She will NOT believe you and hate you more and even tell you that she hates you. 

It is hard to imagine how a woman can go from the princess we married into Satan's daughter, saying every foul, hateful thing imaginable...for almost no perceptible reason (at least how us guys usually see it). At this stage it isn't worth trying to appease her or try to anxiously anticipate her every need. Such things will only lessen her respect.

How you progress is by taking a look at your particular relationship dynamic. Has her demeanor changed only after income differences? Many women have the value that their husband make more than them...some say it's a societal construct while others say it's biologically ingrained...or both. I'd risk asking her why she needs you to make a higher income. What does it mean to her for you to make less money? Don't fill in the blanks...truly get her answer. And when she tells you, don't flip out, deny, get defensive or anything...as she will shut down and tell you to f yourself. Man up...listen. After listening, thank her for her honestly and tell her that you will ponder it and tell her you will meet with her about it again on such and such day at such and such time. This may rebuild her trust a bit as she will see if you mean what you say.

If she equates money with security perhaps...then maybe it is important to map out your finances. As finances are connected to goals and future. You guys need to see it on paper. How much do you needlessly spend? What is your budget? Emergency savings? Debts? Retirement? House payment? What are you planning for vacations and whatnot? Putting your heads together and making a plan may ease her feeling financially unsafe.

If this is an image thing where she is ashamed to be "above" you, then I'm not sure what to say about that. Many behaviorists say that it hits some women to the core if their husband isn't by large, pulling his weight. Some say that women are fighting against their own biology saying otherwise, which could be related to the fact that it only has been a few generations since gender equality in the workplace has even been considered. That's another thread, but in any case, you wife feels how she feels. So it is best to have that tough conversation to get down to the truth of the matter so you know how you would like to proceed.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Was money ever a source of power in your marriage or your wife's marriage?

Some people feel the need to contribute more at home when their income is less and vice versa. A person who has traditionally shouldered more than their fair share on the homefront may be disappointed when their income exceeds their partner's only to find that it doesn't give them the perks they expected. Just a thought.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My ex outright left me and our kids to hook up with another guy who earned only slightly more than I did. She flat out admitted that the only reason she married me is because she thought I had money. She later dumped that guy and hooked up with higher earners until she landed the guy she presently is with (brought in over six figures but is a huge alcoholic who is waiting on a liver transplant and isn't long for this world). For enough money, she'd hook up with Satan.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What I don't get is, you say you took on all the overtime you could get, increasing your hours gone away from home.

I could see this if times were rough and just scratching to get by. But you're not. And your wife make good coin.

When is there a time for a relationship?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Revamped said:


> When is there a time for a relationship?


I don't mean to speak for OP, but I get the impression that this was all in the past. He says it was a period of about a year during their entire 10 year marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I out earn my hb and it makes no difference in how I see him. It's not an issue of money but of ambition.....i just happen to be in a higher paying field. He does more than his share though and I always feel like he's handling things and looking out for me. The money is just a byproduct of me being in a nerd field and him being in a liberal arts field, it has no bearing on his manhood.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I make about 3x times more than my husband as we speak. I have not lost any respect for him because of that. He does his fair share of work around the house (fixing things, help with cleaning, landscaping, etc.). He also works hella overtime because he wants to (not because he has to) so he can contribute as much as he can. When we were dating I already knew that I made more than he did, so it was not a surprise to me.

We have had many ups & downs (lots of downs) but I never really lost respect due to the money. One thing we never argue about is money.


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## ChristianGrey (Nov 27, 2014)

JustTired said:


> One thing we never argue about is money.


Obviously. 

You earn more than him.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

To answer your questions 

Formerself: "old hat methods of appeasement will blow up in your face", "She will NOT believe you and hate you more and even tell you that she hates you." yes have experienced this, Satan's daughter is one crazy...

Financial security/ambition is something I care about, to her life style and looking successful seem more important. 

Blondilocks: I never tried using money as power when I earned more, the day we married I treated my money as our money, allocating the same amount of disposable/entertainment money for each of us, at the time I earned significantly more then her but wanted us to always be equal regardless of who's earning what. 

Regarding home front maybe on to something but given both times she earned more I worked more hours I don't see why her earning more should mean I should suddenly start doing all the cooking/cleaning.

Revamped:"What I don't get is, you say you took on all the overtime you could get, increasing your hours gone away from home."

1st time she earned more we were both working about 40 hr/week before and after her pay rise. 2nd time we were both doing shift work so I only took over time when she was working so as not to further decrease time together. 

"I could see this if times were rough and just scratching to get by. But you're not. And your wife make good coin."

As strange as I know it sounds we did need the money, where we were living at the time was expensive so + we'd gone backward prior to this. 

"When is there a time for a relationship?"

Long hours/working away are hard on relationships but that's a topic all on it's own.

happy as a clam: You are correct both times this happened was in the past, most recent at start of this year. Like I said most of the time we've been together I've earned significantly more. Only posted this as she's up for a promotion we're she may end up earning a little more per year then me and am worried about a repeat of past attitudes.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The question is: do you do your fair share of cooking & cleaning now and have you always?


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## iwantstrength (Dec 17, 2014)

You should talk to her and tell her how you feel. As long as you're giving your best, money shouldn't be an issue. Perhaps it's about time to up the romance between the two of you. Travel more, go on dates, save up and remind her that you all should be thankful as both of you are earning. All the best.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I find it hard to believe she would lose respect for you over that much money. I feel there is more to this loss of respect than that. I think it sounds like an excuse on her part. 

If someone wasn't working at all I can understand losing respect for them but not if they are trying.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Are you sure this isn't in your head? That would make a lot more sense than what you're suggesting. I'd love to hear what your wife would say about the topic.

Likely thread :
Probably something like, every time I make more money than my husband, he gets all weird and kind acts like it makes him mad that I'm making more money. I have a promotion coming up and I can tell that he is worried that I'll make more money than he does again. I don't understand? Can some of the men help me understand this?


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Could well be in my head but the 2 periods of time she showed a sustained lack of respect for me coincided with her earning more and she would bring it up in arguments during those times. I know that correlation is not causation so thought I'd throw the topic up here and see if it's common or if a female poster who's felt this why could explain these feelings and what to do about them ect. 

It's not like I haven't talked to her about it I just didn't get any answers but that's trues of every time I've sought explanation for the times she's treated me poorly. This is part of my on going efforts to try and better understand what my wife is thinking/feeling.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

The last time this happened there was a lot else going on to disrupt the relationship the first time there wasn't.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Saying she hates me, throwing tantrums, hitting me, reminding me she earns more in arguments, throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair, saying she's going to leave, lack of compliments (something she normally does alot).


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

There was a brief period in our marriage where my wife made more. She would hang it over my head frequently. 

It's funny because now that I earn infinitely more than she every did (or than she ever could have in her career path) and she is now a stay at home mom, she never brings up the earning thing. She only now states that even though I earn all of the income for the home, I still have to more housework, because being the sole bread-winner does not equal any chores. She expects 50/50 on the housework, yet she expects 100/0 on the income side. Yeah, we have tension over that frequently.

So, to your original question, I did find she showed a lot less respect for the times she earned more.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

FormerSelf said:


> Wives disrespect their husbands because there is a need that they believe that is not being met. When they try to communicate that need (or in some cases EXPECT that we know what that need is already) and feel like it had been ignored, brushed off, minimized, etc...they may feel fear or get frustrated or angry. ....


But sometimes those "needs" are illogical, selfish, entitled or otherwise pathological.

As I think is the case in the OP's situation....


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Saying she hates me, throwing tantrums, hitting me, reminding me she earns more in arguments, throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair, saying she's going to leave, lack of compliments (something she normally does alot).


This says a lot about your wife. You are being abused psychologically and physically. This has nothing to do with your earnings. This is about respect in your marriage.

Might be time for you to visit a divorce lawyer and a psychologist. This behavior of hers is "really huge". You'll need professional help if you are to survive in this marriage.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Has any one else found that their Wives respect them less when their Wives earn more? I'm not talking about situations where a Husband isn't trying to pull his weight, he might be doing his up most it just happens she earns more.


I think it's a lot more common than people would admit.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Saying she hates me, throwing tantrums, hitting me, reminding me she earns more in arguments, throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair, saying she's going to leave, lack of compliments (something she normally does alot).


Oh boy this is not good.
- Show stopper: Saying she hates me.
- I dunno : throwing tantrums.
- Show stopper: hitting me.
- I dunno : reminding me she earns more in arguments.
- Show stopper: throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair
- Call her bluff : saying she's going to leave.

You don't have boundaries NewToHeartBreak. Whether she's a SAHM or making 10mil, her saying she hates you or her hitting you are both show stoppers. You must have rugswept these before if you're worried it will happen again. Income is not the issue.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

bbdad said:


> There was a brief period in our marriage where my wife made more. She would hang it over my head frequently.
> 
> It's funny because now that I earn infinitely more than she every did (or than she ever could have in her career path) and she is now a stay at home mom, she never brings up the earning thing. She only now states that even though I earn all of the income for the home, I still have to more housework, because being the sole bread-winner does not equal any chores. She expects 50/50 on the housework, yet she expects 100/0 on the income side. Yeah, we have tension over that frequently.
> 
> So, to your original question, I did find she showed a lot less respect for the times she earned more.


The best thing you could tell her to do is FO.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

In regards to this topic I believe it is was the tipping point in what I believed to be an solid relationship.

Me: Sole breadwinner for the first 17 years of marriage and a damn good one for someone with no degree.

Her: SAHM and a damn good one who went back and got her degree and still made less when she entered the work force.

The bust in 2008 claimed my business (and my inheritance which I used to negotiate debt and side step bankruptcy). I found a nice consulting gig that paid ok and could not even scrape up and interview for 4 years. It was during this time that my W began to play the money card. I am still floored to this day that she did it. It took a long time for me to find my stones and tell her that if she brought it up again I was going to own a good portion of her salary. Since then .........................crickets. 

It was the catalyst for four years of tortured bliss. We are just coming out of it and therapy starts in the New Year. I am convinced the proper way to deal with this is head on with new boundary's and definitive ultimatums. 

I have stated countless times here that I am in disbelief that she ever did this. I still am. She is not who I thought she was.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Saying she hates me, throwing tantrums, hitting me, reminding me she earns more in arguments, throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair, saying she's going to leave, lack of compliments (something she normally does alot).


If there is ever a repeat, call the cops! Your wife needs therapy pronto. Behaving like a spoiled brat is not conducive to marriage.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Saying she hates me, throwing tantrums, hitting me, reminding me she earns more in arguments, throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair, saying she's going to leave, lack of compliments (something she normally does alot).


This is physical abuse. Maybe because you're a man and you have a hard time recognizing it is happening to you. No person, Under any circumstances, has the right to invade your body with the purpose to hurt. 

Please, leave this situation. Money isn't worth the sacrifice.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

The behavior was a show stopper for me, we broke up over it (briefly) then reconciled under the understanding the abusive behavior wouldn't happened again. It was hard work establishing boundaries but I think we've almost got there as there has only been the odd brief slip up on her part in the last few months and unlike previously she's quick to stop and apologize without being prompted.

The risk of a full blown repeat is at the back of my mind. I'm not saying the income gap if the sole reason for any of this was just trying to get my head around how much it could be in the mix of issues and how common it is for it to be a contributing factor and what have people done to work through it. 

"I am in disbelief that she ever did this" I know that feeling well RClawson. How can some one you think you know so well, who you think will always have your back turn out to be some one else. 

As for the suggestion I call the cops in the event of next time exactly how could that possibly improve my situation?

If she ever behaved as badly towards me as she did at her worst I'd be gone. I worry about it a lot and even though she's currently treating me really well there aren't many days I don't think about considering divorce because I've lost the feeling of trust and security I had in her.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Tell yourself, there won't BE a next time.

Don't wait until she causes you physical pain to get out.

Yes, you NEED out.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"As for the suggestion I call the cops in the event of next time exactly how could that possibly improve my situation?"

It may not improve *your *situation. It would give your wife a much needed wake-up call that she needs to restrain herself before her next victim retaliates in kind or is too young/small to fend her off. It's not always about you.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> My ex outright left me and our kids to hook up with another guy who earned only slightly more than I did. She flat out admitted that the only reason she married me is because she thought I had money. She later dumped that guy and hooked up with higher earners until she landed the guy she presently is with (brought in over six figures but is a huge alcoholic who is waiting on a liver transplant and isn't long for this world). For enough money, she'd hook up with Satan.


Satan would be disappointed for she has no soul to steal.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Saying she hates me, throwing tantrums, hitting me, reminding me she earns more in arguments, throwing things, hitting/slapping pinching/pulling hair, saying she's going to leave, lack of compliments (something she normally does alot).





Lila said:


> So your last post begs the question What prompted these arguments?
> 
> If your wife went off like that unprompted, then you have much larger issues than her making more money than you. Just saying, sane people don't flip out like that without a reason.


Sane people don’t flip out like that for ANY reason.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sorry Dude,
She's an abuser.
Any repeats should be greeted with a 911 call and a divorce lawyer.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

I think a woman who is happy probably isn't concerned about who makes more. And an unhappy woman who is looking for something to be mad about will find an easy target in a lesser-paid husband.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

that.girl said:


> I think a woman who is happy probably isn't concerned about who makes more. And an unhappy woman who is looking for something to be mad about will find an easy target in a lesser-paid husband.


:iagree:
Nothing about the problems OP and his wife are having are income related. He's playing checkers and needs to be playing chess.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> The behavior was a show stopper for me, we broke up over it (briefly) then reconciled under the understanding the abusive behavior wouldn't happened again. It was hard work establishing boundaries but I think we've almost got there as there has only been the odd brief slip up on her part in the last few months and unlike previously she's quick to stop and apologize without being prompted.
> 
> The risk of a full blown repeat is at the back of my mind. I'm not saying the income gap if the sole reason for any of this was just trying to get my head around how much it could be in the mix of issues and how common it is for it to be a contributing factor and what have people done to work through it.
> 
> ...


What you're feeling is called "walking on eggshells." It happens when an abuser takes a break from their antagonizing ways for you to let down your guard. But you can't. Because you know, her good behavior won't last. And the abuser lashes out again. You think you are prepared, but you aren't.

It's a vicious cycle.

Remind yourself that Sanity is NOT overrated. This is taking a toll on your emotional well being. Please, rethink getting out of the situation.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

If possible I'd like it if we got back to the original topic of the post. It's not that I don't appreciate the input regarding my wife's previous bad behavior It's just I've mentioned it on other posts and your more then welcome to comment about it there. I know the walking on egg shells feeling well and the playing checkers when I should be playing chess struck a chord with me but don't feel that way currently. 

I fully understand that nothing justifies some of her previous behavior and yes it's true at one time I had no boundaries and there was slot more going on the 2nd time she earned more then me that were far bigger issues. 

Still I think the original topic of the post is an interesting one. Would still like to here from some one who struck this problem and how they dealt with it.


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