# depression, weight gain, insecurity, and visiting his family (long)



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

My husband and I have only been married 2.5 months. He lives in India and I live in the US, as we are long distance for now. I've only known him for about 1.5 year, and felt we got married too fast (as he was pressuring me - probably he thought it would be cool to tell his friends that he's in a relationship with an American girl). A month after our wedding, my husband had an emotional breakdown as his mom got critically ill with an infection. She's still very ill, but is stabilized now. During the first few weeks of his mother's illness, my husband went from being a very nurturing loving person, to being critical and judgmental of me. It has been total marriage neglect, as his mom has been the only woman in his life. Since she's stabilized a few weeks ago, he has starting shifting some of his attention back towards the marriage. Although I've been nothing but supportive to him during this difficult time, I resent him for neglecting our marriage (as he pushes me away any time he has life stressors, as he did during the time of our wedding). He resents me for not being completely selfless towards him during his difficult time (thinking that I should put aside my need for emotional connection). We both also have resentments towards one another from the time of our wedding. 

The last 1.5 month has been extremely draining for me and I've fallen into a depression. I've gained 23 pounds (I'm not even 5'2" so it looks REALLY bad, as I was heavy to begin with, and now I hardly recognize my own face as it has turned into a round ball). I feel like being a hermit, and don't want to see anyone as I'm badly ashamed of my weight gain. 

We've been bickering non-stop the last 10 day or so, as I'm tired of him emotionally manipulating me and disregarding my feelings... and have started stating how I feel. I had booked my tickets about 2 weeks ago, as he had requested me to come visit him, as he wanted my support. So my tickets are booked for me to see him next week, and I'll only be there for a week (as that was the only time I could get free from school). 

Despite my ticket being non-refundable, I'm having second thoughts about going to India now. We are arguing all the time now which is usually leaving me furious and crying at the end, and I don't want his parents and brother to see us getting into heated arguments (as he is living with them). Furthermore, I am humiliated by my obesity and don't want them to see me like this (as they are all very lean people) and would judge me... as one of his uncle's had told me to lose weight in the summer when he met me. I had previously lost some weight for the wedding (which they complimented me on), but now I'm 20+ pounds larger. My husband had told me previously that he still wanted to see me despite my weight gain, but I feel very uncomfortable about his family judging me, especially as his brother just got into a new relationship with a cute girl. Also, because I'm struggling with depression, I'm in no mood to hang out with his family, cousins, friends, etc.

My husband and I have been fighting over stupid things these days. Since the time I have booked my tickets, he has gotten excited as he's been looking for electronics items for me to bring to India for him and his family, cousins, and his brother's new girlfriend (who I've never met). He is going to pay me for it (money is not the issue), but I'm a quite turned off that he and his family seem more excited about what I'm planning to bring for them than about seeing me. Similar electronic items are available in his city for only a slightly higher cost, but he wants me to bring these things as he says that his family members will be happy to have things from the US. I have told him that I'm not coming there to be their transporter of electronic items, but that I was simply coming to India (despite my hectic schedule, and broken spirits) for a chance to support my husband and save my marriage. Maybe I'm being overly sensitive about this (and possibly might not have objected in the same way had our marriage been stronger). He is getting angry thinking that I'm selfish if I can't even fill up a suitcase of things that HE's paying for, as it requires little effort on my part to bring them. He keeps giving me these frustrated, angry, and disappointed bitter looks, which I hate as it only makes me feel bad, as I interpret from his eyes that he regrets having married me. From my side, I wish that he would realize how unpleasant and destructive he has been to our relationship since his mom fell ill, and I wish he would care more for my feelings rather than some stupid electronics that he could get himself from his own city. 

With my weight gain and communication issues with my husband, I am feeling insecure. I'm 30, and my husband is 27 and fairly handsome. I know if I divorced him, then he'd easily have a hot 22 year old woman on his arm within 2 months. He's a good guy, but we're just having serious communication issues and resentment, and I believe we are intellectually incompatible as well. Part of me really wishes that we could work out our issues and have a loving relationship again, and the other part of me feels hopeless.

Part of me thinks I should go to India next week for a chance to attempt to save my marriage (as I likely won't get to see him for 10-12 months after this and the long distance is killing our relationship). The other side of me is deeply emotionally hurting and wants to be left alone. After the emotional wounds, I do not want his sexual touch, nor do I want to continue fighting with him or facing the judgment of his family (as I don't want them to see the fighting and tension between him and I, nor my weight gain). His cousins will want to hang out with me, and will find me a bore as I'm depressed and hardly able to put on a fake smile. I don't know if it's worth going when I'm feeling like this, as I don't think I'll leave a favorable impression on his family in my current state.


----------



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

By the way, I just wanted to say also that I may be a bit slow to reply to any comments (as I have my final exams this next week). But I will most certainly read any advice or suggestions that you all are kind enough to give. Thank you!!


----------



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Since there have been 112 views with no response, I think I'll add some more of my musings to entertain myself.

After a rough morning of arguing, my husband called me a short while ago this evening. He was pleasant, kind, and told me he called 'just to say hi'. We talked politely for a short time, keeping things friendly. After about 5 minutes of chit-chat, he told me that he'd let me go, so I could focus on my studying, but that he'd call me again in a few hours just to see how I'm doing (giving me a few quick calls here and there since we don't have all that much time to talk). Receiving his call definitely brightened up my evening. It's pretty clear to me that both my husband and I are feeling love-starved right now, and craving understanding from the other person.

I noticed this 2 days ago, after we had been arguing for many days. Due to all the arguing, neither of us were being very verbally affectionate to one another. I wanted to be the one to finally show some care to him. He called me that day, and I knew that if we got to fighting again, another day would go by without me telling him I loved him, and I didn't want that. So as we started talking, I told him "First things first, I want to start out first by telling you I love you. I care for you deeply, and I'm sorry I haven't been very affectionate with you lately. It's not that I don't care but simply that I'm hurting." When I said that to him, he hung his head down, and you could just see all the 'fight' in him melting away. He looked really emotional. He told me he loved me too. That night we had so much fun talking to one another. It made me realize that he is also needing the affection badly, just as I am. Unfortunately, we have starting arguing again since then... but these moments of kind friendly talk to one another just makes the dark clouds go away. I truly hope we will be able to fix this marriage.


----------



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I decided to suck it up and just buy a few of the things he wanted me to bring. When he came to know I bought those things, he was quite happy, and told me that he would get a special gift to give me when I come to visit. I told him I hadn't decided yet as to whether I'd come or not. And he said "Yes, I know you will be here soon. You'll surely come for me. I know." As we were hanging up, he was like "thanks for being so nice to me today". I was said in mock indignation "Um, WHAT?! I'm always nice to you!"  I really miss my handsome hubby; it's hard to believe our relationship has been though such hell in the last 1.5 months.

Anyway, I think that's been enough writing for now... this has been cathartic.


----------

