# What does he want me to do to make this right?



## VeryMuchConfused (Feb 1, 2012)

Long story short I hurt my husband for some years in the past (I was going through some bad stuff happening with my stepfather molesting me and as a result I was in a very dark place in my life to say the least and my husband beared the pain of all of it) and now I've been so sorrowful and trying to show him how sorry I am and how much I love him for the past year and a half and he says nothing I'm doing is what he wants me to do and that he's not going to tell me what it is that he really wants that will make it up to him. He says go think about what I would want if it were me. Clearly I don't know and in a year and a half obviously I won't figure it out. What do you think he wants?


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## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

So, you have told him you want to make it up to him, and he knows what you can do to make it up to him, and he won't tell you? That is messed up. 

I don't know what you did to hurt him before, so I can't really guess what he wants you to do. If you cheated, are you still in touch with there person you cheated with? If so, maybe he wants you to not have contact with them. Short of that, I'm at a loss.

Maybe he wants you to address the issues from your childhood that put you in that dark place, like seeing counseling? 

I really don't like it that he won't tell you what he wants you to do, when you are asking him directly (I'm assuming). If you are willing to address the issue, and want to talk to him about it, what more can he ask of you?


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## VeryMuchConfused (Feb 1, 2012)

I treated him very badly things like:
Scratched his car
Cheated on him(one night stand with someone he hates)
put him out my car numerous times
called him every name in the book
pushed him away constantly
rarely wanted to have sex
made him feel he didn't turn me on
constant attitude
never appreciated anything he did for me 

I was horrible. I was hurt, angry and didn't care about life anymore or anyone in life.
The only way I got past the molestation was through counseling. He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He wants me to figure it out he said its common sense what he wants. What things could I possibly do that are common sense that I haven't already done?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sorry your going through this, especially after the molestation issues you have had to deal. Well done for getting out of your dark place though.

Without knowing what you did that was so terrible it's difficult to understand the situation very well but my thoughts are that your H is playing mind games with you...what does he realistically expect? 
You to read his mind? Or maybe use your crystal ball?? How can you just 'know'?

Does he often try to mess with your head? Or is this only over whatever it is that you did to him during your 'dark times'?

If I were in your place I'd insist he stop playing silly games and TALK/communicate with me what he needs/wants. 

That what grown ups would do.

If he finds talking difficult maybe suggest he writes it down?

Goodluck!


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## VeryMuchConfused (Feb 1, 2012)

This all happened over a 13 year span. He says my problem is I just want him to get over it. He says that if he tells me what he wants me to do he may as well do it himself. 

What would you guys want your wife or husband to do if it were you?


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## VeryMuchConfused (Feb 1, 2012)

I think he wants me to grovel at his feet and kiss his behind!
After looking at this list I'm starting to think he deserved me kissing his behind.


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## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

If my husband treated me badly because he was working through horrible issues from his past, and I knew that was why he had treated me so badly, I would want for us both to talk about it openly and honestly. I would probably want him to take responsibility for treating me so poorly. And I would want him to be nice to me in the future. And probably see a counselor to work things out, so I knew he was okay - but you said you already did that on your own. I honestly don't know what more he could be asking for you to do. Certainly nothing that is 'common sense.' 

You may have been mean to him for awhile. But he is being mean to you now. It isn't fair that he won't just tell you what he wants. I agree with waiwera, it sounds like he is playing mind games.


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

He wants you to show him he matters and that you have changed. He may not know what you need to do and your past actions put you relationship (his feelings for you on life support). He wants to see that you know you were/ are wrong and that you can say/show you are sorry without being defensive and pathetic. It sounds like you made his life a living hell and he stayed that counts for something.. Most men are visual touchy feely creature (Hint). Stoke his ego without being patronizing. In short show him you love and are into him and say I know I hurt you and I am will to do what it takes to make it better (and be willing to do it). It took you 13 years to break him how long do you think it will take to rebuild his love and connection with you? DATE and DESIRE YOUR HUSBAND….:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Theonly person who can answer what it is that he needs from you is HIM.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Badsmit said:


> He wants you to show him he matters and that you have changed. He may not know what you need to do and your past actions put you relationship (his feelings for you on life support). He wants to see that you know you were/ are wrong and that you can say/show you are sorry without being defensive and pathetic. It sounds like you made his life a living hell and he stayed that counts for something.. Most men are visual touchy feely creature (Hint). Stoke his ego without being patronizing. In short show him you love and are into him and say I know I hurt you and I am will to do what it takes to make it better (and be willing to do it). It took you 13 years to break him how long do you think it will take to rebuild his love and connection with you? DATE and DESIRE YOUR HUSBAND….:scratchhead:


:iagree:

I wouldn't be surprised if he is repressing years worth of resentment, anger, and frustration for what you put him through. I bet deep down he really wants to move on from it, but he's afraid if he opens up again, he'll just get burned.


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## VeryMuchConfused (Feb 1, 2012)

Badsmit said:


> He wants you to show him he matters and that you have changed. He may not know what you need to do and your past actions put you relationship (his feelings for you on life support). He wants to see that you know you were/ are wrong and that you can say/show you are sorry without being defensive and pathetic. It sounds like you made his life a living hell and he stayed that counts for something.. Most men are visual touchy feely creature (Hint). Stoke his ego without being patronizing. In short show him you love and are into him and say I know I hurt you and I am will to do what it takes to make it better (and be willing to do it). It took you 13 years to break him how long do you think it will take to rebuild his love and connection with you? DATE and DESIRE YOUR HUSBAND….:scratchhead:


What kind of things (specific) should I do to show this? I'm really clueless and I love him so much I don't want to mess this up. I would spend the rest of my life making this up to him...I just need some examples of specific things he might like as a man to show him this.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

VeryMuchConfused said:


> What would you guys want your wife or husband to do if it were you?


VMC, I am sorry for what you went through as a child. I hope you have found peace through therapy.

What you did to your husband was very hurtful to him, but you should not be held hostage to it forever. My wife is an abuse survivor, too, so I have a particular perspective on this. I can know that she did things which where driven by or related to the psychological fallout of her abuse. Now that I know of the abuse it is easy to see how things are related to it.

So what does your husband need or want from you? Really the only way to know is for him to tell you. In some way you have to make up for what you did, but as I have said because of your abuse history there are mitigating circumstances. A sincere apology goes a long way, and you have been to therapy. That seems like you have done a ton already to make up for your past behavior. 

So now I think a lot of the burden shifts to your husband. He has to communicate to you what he is thinking and feeling. Then you can decide if you are able or willing to do those things. You two need good marriage therapy so you can work together to rebuild your relationship.

And now I step out onto a limb. With a disclosure that I am not a therapist. *Possible trigger warning for abuse victims*

Abused children frequently pair up with abusive partners, and become further victims. The child abuse victim becomes the future rape victim, or the child abuse victim marries the man who batters her. I think you should evaluate and use your own judgment on whether your husband is in some way emotionally abusive to you. Have you discussed your marriage situation with a therapist who knows of your abuse history? What do your trusted friends and advisors say about your husband's actions in general towards you?

There are a lot of possibilities as to why he isn't beings specific with you. Ultimately he has to communicate his needs and desires if you are to know what they are.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

VeryMuchConfused said:


> What kind of things (specific) should I do to show this? I'm really clueless and I love him so much I don't want to mess this up. I would spend the rest of my life making this up to him...I just need some examples of specific things he might like as a man to show him this.


Two excellent books for the do-it-yourself approach are "5 Love Languages", and "Getting the Love You Want" (and the workbook to Getting the Love You Want).

If he buys into really wanting to work on the marriage these books might help.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

13 years of being treated like a fool. Slept with his most hated enemy to spite him. And he should just get over it?

IMO, he's only there to torment you give you a taste of the same medicine. It's not right if he's doing that but it seems like it.

You have a choice

Leave him and just get it over with.

Give him an ultimatum (will most likely blow up in your face though, because he literally has nothing to lose at this point) for him to get his act together and get back in the marriage.

BTW just can't GET OVER IT after being treated like a piece of crap for 13 entire years.

And the past 1 1/2 years you've been good, what's your definition of being good?

IMO, he's suffered 13 years of abuse and he's done with the marriage and is only looking to make your life a living hell as payback. Well that's my opinion anyways.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

VeryMuchConfused said:


> I treated him very badly things like:
> Scratched his car
> Cheated on him(one night stand with someone he hates)
> put him out my car numerous times
> ...


Maybe he wants a divorce? :scratchhead:


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I think you just need to show him that yo ulove him and you made a mistake. If he is still with after all that thats his way of showing he loves you I think you need to find a way to show it him back few ideas:

write a love note explaining what he means to you
tell him what he means to you 
weekend away
cooking favourite food etc...

Im guessing that because you treated him a certain way for a number of years he probably feels useless and drained you need to get that energy back


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

VeryMuchConfused said:


> I treated him very badly things like:
> Scratched his car
> Cheated on him(one night stand with someone he hates)
> put him out my car numerous times
> ...


The first thing that came to your mind when you made this list was that you scratched his car.Really?? I'm pretty sure that's not the first thing that comes to his mind.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

> I treated him very badly things like:
> Scratched his car
> Cheated on him(one night stand with someone he hates)
> put him out my car numerous times
> ...


Here's what you do:
--Wash and wax his car every week
--Be completely transparent about your whereabouts including online and be remorseful and supportive regarding the pain of cuckholding him with his enemy
--Don't put him out your car 
--don't call him every name in the book, or any names other than handsome, tiger, sweetie etc
--hold him close and listen to him without arguing when he wants to tell you something--really listen and then repeat it back to him so he knows you get it
--give him great sex all the time
--let him know how much he turns you on
--lose the attitude
--offer thanks and appreciation--sincerely--for what he does for you
--periodically ask him how you are doing, let him know you will make your past transgressions up to him for the rest of his life by putting him first
--read Dr. Laura's Care and Feeding of Husbands, 5 Love Languages, etc....

...having said all that...your list of outrageous behavior would be difficult for any guy to overcome in my opinion...you may just have broken him


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

TBT said:


> The first thing that came to your mind when you made this list was that you scratched his car.Really?? I'm pretty sure that's not the first thing that comes to his mind.


:lol:


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I was on the receiving end of most of what you did to him for several years myself and I can honestly say all I wanted was for her to change and ask for forgiveness. She did that many years ago and we have been great ever since.

as simple as it may sound have you literally ask him for forgiveness?


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## abk (Feb 3, 2012)

TBT said:


> The first thing that came to your mind when you made this list was that you scratched his car.Really?? I'm pretty sure that's not the first thing that comes to his mind.


This is bang on the mark!
OK, first things first - you are free to private message me.

I have been put through tough times by my wife, she too has a nasty element to her history and did bad things to me and the past is her "excuse". I know "excuse" here seems harsh after what yu have been through, but that's exactly how your husband sees it. I think I understand your husband.

He has spent years telling you that what you are doing has been damaging - you ignored it that time. 

I know other posters mean well here saying he should tell you but he already spend years doing that. It's too late for that now.

It is not his job to fix your actions, it is not his job to find out what to do for you - Can't you see? In his mind that is just more sign of you not taking responsibility for your actions...

In his mind, if he tells you what to do, then you have not taken the time to understand the damage you have done .. just looked for a "shortcut". 

Show him what I just wrote and he'll tell you "That's right!" I believe - that would be the test if I am on the mark or not.

What you need to accept now, is two wrongs don't make a right, but because someone did wrong to you does not make it better what you did to him for all those years! This is what he wants - to truely believe you accept this fact.


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

Disclaimer, I don’t know him and cannot tell you what to do… Jelly Bean is right only he can say.. You are going to have to listen and get to know your husband (The things you should have been doing for the first 13 years)
With that said here is a very general short list of things that (some) men like
Listen
Stroke his ego without being patronizing 
Only fight when it’s absolutely necessary 
Sit next to him 
In a loving/affectionately way touch him
Be sexy and do special things for him
Respect his wished and privacy but try to include yourself in his life 
Show him you love and are into him (do what he likes)
Talk about your future (give a vision of how you want to be and follow through)
Take a trip (to where he wants to go)
Show him what you want but let it be a different (new) you
Be prepared for him to not respond and not believe you in the beginning. It is going to take time oh say 13 years… 
And yes you could have already blown it and he is buying his time. You SHOULD KNOW HIM BEST after 13 years, so you are going to have date him and earn you man/husband love affection and trust.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Think about what you would want him to do if roles were reversed.

Then do it.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

As a woman who was sexually molested by my brothers, I can relate to the up and down emotions you probably experienced over the years. In your right mind, you would never have done the things you did, but in your repressed fear, you acted out and your hubby was the receiver of that. Obviously, you know that was a damaging and unintentionally abusive way to treat him. I know the fear of being afraid that you are being taken for a ride by someone you are opening yourself up to. It's scary and I'm glad you have been working through the demons of your abuse.

Your hubby is still there. He doesn't "have" to be there and I honestly don't believe he is there to torture you as a payback. If he is, then that's very twisted and messed up. I think he's scared to trust you. He's afraid of getting into a comfortable routine with you and feeling safe and then you trigger for whatever reason and he's back to living on eggshells. 

My husband seems to be similar to your husband as far as personality. And while some joke about the car thing, I know my husband would feel very wronged if I did something like that. He takes great pride in his car and even if it were just a hunk of junk, it's something that he values. Scratching it would be, in his mind, a sign that I didn't care about something that he cares about. It would be an act of betraying trust that I would protect what matters to him.

I think what your husband craves is CONSISTENCY! Don't go back and forth on what you can do to fix the past or make it up to him. Bringing it up over and over is clearly bringing you both back to those days and those feelings. You hurt him and he wants you to prove that you aren't going to set him up to be hurt again. To win his trust, you need to be trustworthy. Don't worry about if you are being true to yourself in that moment. Learn from your past. Acknowledge the patterns that got you into an unhealthy cycle leading to your actions. 

I had no idea how much the molestation I went through effected my decision making and reactions to situations. Don't excuse your actions or reactions. Show your husband you are a better woman today than before because you are willing to OWN those actions/reactions. Don't squabble and beg forgiveness. Put your energy into giving him security, but don't go overboard. Continue to work on yourself and invite your husband to learn why you acted the way you did. It's amazing how clear you can see and correct the course when you understand the "why" in the choices you make.

I am a huge Dr. Phil lover. I think the man is genius when it comes to his common-sense approach to relationships. One of my favorite sayings of his is "be your partner's soft place to fall." Your husband wants to fall to you and accept that you are not going to abuse his faith and trust in you. I told my husband that while I always wanted to be his soft place to fall, I needed some softening up. In working through my issues that stem from my molestation, the hardness and walls that I put up to protect myself have been crumbling and I'm exposing my softness more than ever. He's worth taking that chance. 

Be consistent. Offer him a ticket to join you while you heal. Let him feel he is capable of protecting you. Show him that you aren't disappointed in him if he decides he can't expose himself to completely trusting you right now. Don't hold him to a standard of "saving" you when you know deep down you cannot even hold up to that standard for yourself. Allow yourself to accept that you made huge mistakes, but every day forward is an opportunity to love him for still standing beside you through it. Honor your marriage and give it everything you can while you still have a chance. Don't worry about if you could be hurt by giving up your walls/self defense mechanisms. Recognize that the only way to prove to him that you will be there for him is to be there for him. 

Good luck, honey. I got the same bum deal you did. Regardless of the details, we both have to undo years of coping mechanisms that were damaging to our relationship with our husbands. But it's worth it. It's worth knowing you are not going to succumb to being an abuser yourself and that the runaway train stops with you. Your stepfather doesn't deserve the satisfaction of taking away your trust and derailing you for life. Stop letting him control you TODAY! Despite your flaws, I know how much love you have to offer your husband. Like an abused puppy, he's probably so afraid to trust that you can making lasting change that he rolls over and pees or cowers/retreats when you get angry/set off. Earn his trust by being loyal and committed to a consistent relationship.


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