# Need Advice to stay or go



## Stuart772 (4 mo ago)

My GF/Fiancee text messages a male coworker. Both message each other "I miss you" "I miss you bunches" and " I Love you", etc. after concluding mostly work related messages or "how's it going" type messages. Is this acceptable? AND should it bother me? because it does.

Background- I am Male over 40, divorced. She is female over 40 divorced. We talk about and tell people we are getting married but are taking it slow- mostly due to my uncertainties. Been together 2 years and live together. I love her very much and do not envision being with anyone else or ever dating again.

I first noticed this early on in our relationship, when my GF & her Male Coworker both ended txt messages to each other "I love you". When I brought it up and said this makes me uncomfortable, she replied I do love him, but as a friend only and not to worry cause he's much older, I'm better looking, we live together, etc.... Over a year later (this week) I discovered they both continue to end messages with "I miss you a lot" and "I love you". A couple days later, I saw her phone and the "I love you/miss you" messages were deleted, but everything else remained.

I've know her Coworker for many years and consider him to be a friend not an ahole- but maybe not an honest person? I do know from coversations that he had a crush on my GF and wanted to date her as well (Also he is married- and his wife thinks he works with a male counter part not a female (my GF). 

I am a pretty secure person, I never felt threatened and I always felt we had a very open and healthy relationship. I have no issue if the words were like "I miss working with you" or even "I loved working with you". But in my opinion, I feel like the messages go beyond that. They say "I miss you a lot" "Love you tons", there is always emphasis after the I miss you and I love you. I should add- NO messages to the effect of "I want you" or "meet me here" or stuff that would be an absolute clear indication of physical cheating. Also She does not show any signs of physically cheating, like going out with friends, working late, etc. Its pretty much just the texting (as far as I know), because we are together most of the time. 

My GF is not that type of person that tells everyone she loves them either. I am questioning our relationship and it breaks my heart that she does this knowing I do not like it. I do not like conflict and I am reluctant to bring this conversation up again for the third time.

I personally would never engage in any conversation/texting stating I miss someone a lot, or love them, ESPECIALLY a co-coworker. The only people I say I love you too are my Fiancee, my kids, my mom, brothers and sisters. That's just me. Am I over reacting?


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You are not. You could always ask his wife how she feels.

Don't ever make the mistake of feeling your GF isn't replaceable, she is. If this continues then she should be...why take the chance?


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stuart772 said:


> My GF/Fiancee text messages a male coworker. Both message each other "I miss you" "I miss you bunches" and " I Love you", etc. after concluding mostly work related messages or "how's it going" type messages. Is this acceptable? AND should it bother me? because it does.


Welcome to TAM @Stuart772 

I only read this part and will jump immediately to shout "H3LL YES it should bother you! H3LL NO it's not acceptable."

I'll read the rest to see if it changes my mind but I'm pretty sure that's a lock.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Go.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Stuart772 said:


> My GF/Fiancee text messages a male coworker. Both message each other "I miss you" "I miss you bunches" and " I Love you", etc. after concluding mostly work related messages or "how's it going" type messages. Is this acceptable? AND should it bother me? because it does.
> 
> Background- I am Male over 40, divorced. She is female over 40 divorced. We talk about and tell people we are getting married but are taking it slow- mostly due to my uncertainties. Been together 2 years and live together. I love her very much and do not envision being with anyone else or ever dating again.
> 
> ...


Yep...unchanged.

The word choice indicates a romantic interest beyond the casual or even close friendship level. My bottom dollar says she is having a physical affair with him. I jump to that because when the language is "I Love You" and they work together...it's physical. Sorry guy.

Get a new GF.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You need to seriously think about your expectations and boundaries for a committed relationship/marriage. 
Since your fiancé seems like she may have some boundary issues with this work friend (and possibly in general), you need to stipulate what you will and won’t accept in your relationship/marriage.

I’ll give you some examples that I believe are relevant and advisable, but your boundaries / expectations are your own. 
In my marriage: (insert your own here)

my wife does not flirt with other men
my wife doesn’t keep male friends that she spends alone time with or messages at length
my wife does not say “I love you, I miss you, etc. to other men that she’s not related to. Doesn’t matter what her intent is, it’s just not appropriate.
my wife doesn’t dance with other men
my wife doesn’t accept drinks from other men (obviously there’s exceptions within a friend group/work setting)
basically she’s expected to act like a married woman, and not a single one.

And then you need to communicate your expectations, and if she’s not on board, then it’s time to end the engagement because it will only get messier going forward. 
A married woman is no longer a single woman, and there are different behavioral expectations.

And she gets to set her expectations and boundaries as well.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Your partner is not a safe partner. She and her man friend are both liars and can't be trusted, because they are both lying to his wife. They will be lying to you too. She doesn't have any respect for you. I feel sorry for his wife because she's completey unaware and your partner knows this. I wouldn't do this to my husband. Hope you can figure this out and put your foot down or give her the boot. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Don’t marry someone who has weak boundaries. You’re setting yourself up for a disaster. She either gets on board or you fire her.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you kidding? She tells another man at work she misses him and loves him abd you have to ask if you should be accepting of this? It doesn’t matter what anyone else things. You don’t like it and you’ve tolerated it abd trained her that you will continue to tolerate it. You absolutely bail out, but more importantly, you should ask yourself why you EVER allowed this. I smell fear. Fear never gets anything but cleat marks or in your case, bulldozer tracks, over your back.


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Dating is basically an interview for marriage.
Standards should be intensified when engaged.
Her boundaries, judgement, and appropriateness are unacceptable, and are not respectful or safe for you.
Save yourself a second divorce and jettison her now.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Unless he is her gay BFF, it's at the VERY least a weird relationship. Seems awfully early for such a big red flag. I mean, should you have to SAY that she shouldn't be telling other men (co-workers, for the love) that she "loves" them? That seems like something people would know. Normal people, anyway.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Seriously? Dump her and move on or have major regrets.

You can’t possibly be this hard up. Stop being a chump.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Stuart772 said:


> ... it breaks my heart that she does this knowing I do not like it. I do not like conflict and I am reluctant to bring this conversation up again for the third time.


Then you'd better get ready for a buttload of heart break. Your gf doesn't respect you. You are dealing - or should I say, not dealing - with this subject out of fear of losing her. 

So I guess the bottom line is learn to suck it up and stay with her or tell her in no uncertain terms that her I-love-you messages to a coworker are a no-go for you. Your life. Your choice.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No backstory needed. If she’s telling a coworker that she loves him, you should not consider marrying her. If you “overlook” these red flags, you’ll regret it.

I’m somewhat conflict avoidant in general but when it comes to this stuff, you have to stand up for yourself or you’ll just continue to tolerate more and more inappropriate behavior. Don’t ignore red flags.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Oops, wrong thread.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What happened in her first marriage, why did she get divorced?

Not her story, the real story.
If you are not really sure, ask around.

Maybe, as a last resort, ask her EX husband, if you believe there is some hidden value in that.

This is the woman you intend to marry, do not make a second mistake.
The fate game is stacked......not in your favor.

Some people have flawed pickers and are repeatedly drawn to the flame, if you get my point.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Be glad you’re not married, dump her and move on. Otherwise, you will be back on this site in a few short years telling us how your wife cheated with her co-worker.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are so locked in fear in the belief that your GF is irreplaceable that will will accept the absolute unacceptable. You absolutely already know that what she is doing is way out of line. If you chose to carry on as a gutless fool then you deserve whatever heart break you get. At this point in the game you are the problem despite the fact that your GF is an obvious skank.


----------



## Stuart772 (4 mo ago)

Thank you all and Thank you for being blunt and honest. Looks like 100% agree. This gives me confidence to make the right decision. I was mixed because I thought I found my soulmate and wanted to run this by unbiased people to make sure I was not reacting improper about this weird situation. Not sure why she was divorced the 1st time, other than HE divorced her. Don't know his story, but hers is that he was an ahole and was possibly seeing someone else and therefore he wanted to move on? I'm sure its different from his point of view. Maybe she flirted with a co-worker when they were married too?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There’s no such thing as a soulmate.
It there are good people that don’t cheat, share the load in life, have your back, abd act as good friends—— and they feed your soul .

thetes more than one person in 6 billion on earth that can do that for you.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Stuart772 said:


> Thank you all and Thank you for being blunt and honest. Looks like 100% agree. This gives me confidence to make the right decision. I was mixed because I thought I found my soulmate and wanted to run this by unbiased people to make sure I was not reacting improper about this weird situation. Not sure why she was divorced the 1st time, other than HE divorced her. Don't know his story, but hers is that he was an ahole and was possibly seeing someone else and therefore he wanted to move on? I'm sure its different from his point of view. Maybe she flirted with a co-worker when they were married too?


Good luck. You deserve so much better. Keep us all posted and vent here if you need to.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I don’t see how you will ever feel safe and content in the marriage while she is willing to participate like this with him.

if it were me… I’d tell her if that inappropriate relationship doesn’t stop today - it’s over with you.


----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)




----------



## bygone (11 mo ago)

If his wife is aware of the messages and is not bothered, say that you will accept.

ask her to call and you want to talk to his wife!

will confess.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Consider yourself lucky you found this massive red flag before you married her...


----------

