# Help!



## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

My husband of 6 years told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has agreed to try and get a spark back. He is still affectionate and tells me he loves me, but when I ask him what he's feeling he still says he is leaning towards divorce. We have been working on it for about a month. I don't know if I should push him to make a choice or just keep moving forward. We have two children. Any advice would be helpful!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> My husband of 6 years told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has agreed to try and get a spark back. He is still affectionate and tells me he loves me, but when I ask him what he's feeling he still says he is leaning towards divorce. We have been working on it for about a month. I don't know if I should push him to make a choice or just keep moving forward. We have two children. Any advice would be helpful!


Hi & I'm sorry about this.

He may be cheating. Are you familiar with EA's?


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

That was my first thought, but I checked his phone and email and nothing suspicious. I also came right out and asked him and he said that there was no one else, that he just didn't feel a spark between us.


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Head over to the Marriage builders website. It is an awesome site with great advice.

And continue to secretly investigate. 9 times out of 10 when this is said there is someone else.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> My husband of 6 years told me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He has agreed to try and get a spark back. He is still affectionate and tells me he loves me, but when I ask him what he's feeling he still says he is leaning towards divorce. We have been working on it for about a month. I don't know if I should push him to make a choice or just keep moving forward. We have two children. Any advice would be helpful!


So guys are not good with saying "what they are feeling", so I would imagine any answer he gives to that question will either be useless or is something of a decision already made. So the answer of him leaning toward D sounds pretty concrete and he obviously has thought about this without allowing you in on how he processed this out. My gut would say the reason he gave this answer is that he currently is to much of a coward to actual say he wants a D. I know this is not what you wanted to hear... and with children, this makes it all the more complicated.

The words of "I love you but I am not in love with you" are scary from another point of view. One has to wonder "who is he in love with?" I am not necessarily trying to suggest that he is having an affair, but you probably should push to eliminate this as a factor that has contributed to this change in attitude. 

I am sorry you are going through this, and really wish the best for you and your children.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> That was my first thought, but I checked his phone and email and nothing suspicious. I also came right out and asked him and he said that there was no one else, that he just didn't feel a spark between us.


Not sure of the statistic, but most cheaters don't admit it.

The ILYBINILWY line is frequently given to spouses by the cheating spouse. He could be hiding it very well. Go read the CWI forum for insight.

What kinds of marital problems do you have? What do you think you do that upsets/annoys him (if anything)?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> That was my first thought, but I checked his phone and email and nothing suspicious. I also came right out and asked him and he said that there was no one else, that he just didn't feel a spark between us.


So some guys are really good at hiding these things... and if he has already decided on divorce, he probably would not admit an affair anyway.


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

I went through a depression and let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and wasn't all that nice. I have been feeling great for a few months now, lost the weight and feel really good. He says he is just here for the boys at this point. He also says that he wants to get feelings back for me so that I don't screw him over in a divorce. He has admitted to flirting with other women and how that made him feel good. I don't know how he would have the time for an affair. He works a lot and then comes home. There isn't any time that isn't accounted for.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> I went through a depression and let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and wasn't all that nice. I have been feeling great for a few months now, lost the weight and feel really good. He says he is just here for the boys at this point. He also says that he wants to get feelings back for me so that I don't screw him over in a divorce. He has admitted to flirting with other women and how that made him feel good. I don't know how he would have the time for an affair. He works a lot and then comes home. There isn't any time that isn't accounted for.


So then, he wants to have an affair... he is admitting as much. But, may not be having one at the current moment. You can at least look at him as someone who has a small amount of integrity in that he does want to cheat with you. So he want a divorce so he can play the field. 

He has an itch and probably has friends who are playing the field and says wow they have all those flavors of ice cream and I have to go back to vanilla. I hope this makes sense. He just sounds like he wants to be single. I don't think it has that much to do with you, he just wants to have another life. You could be drop dead gorgeous, and I think he would essentially feel the same. He sounds exactly like my second oldest brother, who is married to a drop dead gorgeous woman.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris,

I would ask your H, what kind of life is he looking that would prompt him to want a D. Put all the apples in his basket and remove yourself from the equation. In this way you will find out quickly if it is about you or whether he is seeking something outside of marriage. If he can't answer the question clearly then you might want to start probing into why he wants a divorce from *you*.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> I went through a depression and let myself go. I gained 20 lbs and wasn't all that nice. I have been feeling great for a few months now, lost the weight and feel really good. He says he is just here for the boys at this point. He also says that he wants to get feelings back for me so that I don't screw him over in a divorce. He has admitted to flirting with other women and how that made him feel good. I don't know how he would have the time for an affair. He works a lot and then comes home. There isn't any time that isn't accounted for.


Congratulations of getting over your depression! I went through it so know what it's like. It feel so good to get out of the black hole & your husband should be THRILLED that you are feeling better again.

He could be having an EA with a co-worker. She may be married or may not be "into him" as much as he is into her so he's keeping you as Plan B.


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

I don't know how to go about trying to find this out. It makes me sick to my stomach to think he could look me in the eye and lie.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> I don't know how to go about trying to find this out. It makes me sick to my stomach to think he could look me in the eye and lie.


Does he drive his own car to work? Does he use a computer at home for any activity? There are many devices that you could secure into his car under his seat to essentially spy on him. You could also load software onto a home computer that allows you to track activity (even if he tries to clear the cache). Finally, a more expensive route but very effective, hire a PI.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm going to attack this from another angle.

Could it be that during the time of your depression when you weren't so nice, he was seriously effected by that? Maybe that's the cause of why he feels the way he does?

What were some of the ways you believe you were not nice? And is that something he came up with or a behaviour you can admit to?


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

Yes I can and do admit that I wasn't the most supportive wife. He works very hard and I stay home. I just did the bare minimum to keep the household going. I know it bothered him. I just don't know how to fix it. I have been doing everything right lately and he seems a little happier. I'm just so scared.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> Yes I can and do admit that I wasn't the most supportive wife. He works very hard and I stay home. I just did the bare minimum to keep the household going. I know it bothered him. I just don't know how to fix it. I have been doing everything right lately and he seems a little happier. I'm just so scared.


You were sick. You had an illness. Hell, when I was depressed, I could barely get out of bed. If he doesn't recoginize depression as an illness just because you don't see the "broken leg" then he is immature & selfish.

A good husband or person is THRILLED when a person recovers from a serious illness. My BFF just had a bone marrow transplant (leukemia) & could not do ANYTHING for one year. It was very HARD on her husband but he was SUPPORTIVE.

If your husband is using your depression as an excuse to bail, there could be something else going on.

You cannot even begin to get him checked back in w/o knowing the real reason he wants out...& if it is about your depression, then so be it; no disrespect but he is not a very nice person.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> Yes I can and do admit that I wasn't the most supportive wife. He works very hard and I stay home. I just did the bare minimum to keep the household going. I know it bothered him. I just don't know how to fix it. I have been doing everything right lately and he seems a little happier. I'm just so scared.


Please sit down (more than once), and have some heart to heart talks about these things. They need to be aired out.


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## nan809 (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi Cris,

Going through a very similar situation here. Married 18 years. 2 kids. I have been battling depression for a few years and am now feeling so much better, getting treatment, lost weight, etc. The past few years have been very hard on my husband and I think he's been discouraged for a long time. And he has said similar things--that he is having a hard time getting the feelings back, thinks we both might be happy with someone else, etc. I don't think he is having an affair at this moment, but I do think the "idea" of someone else is what he is attracted to. He has made plans to separate. He says he feels "gutted" and is beating himself up over not being able to help me. He says he doesn't want to repeat the mistakes of his dad (who divorced his mom) yet he wants to separate, etc

I am now reading the book "the Divorce Remedy" and so far I like a lot of what it says. It is up to me to try and turn this ship around and I am just getting to the part where she spells out the paln. We are also both seeing therapists and looking for a new MC as our first one was not very helpful. My husband is doing a lot of work to deal with some of his past issues. It's a good sign that your husband has agreed to keep working on the marriage. I wish I had advice for you but so far for me, the therapy and the book have helped a lot. I haven't really done the 180 because if we agree to keep working on the marriage, how do you do that? So we are still in limbo a bit here, I guess. I'm so sorry you are going through this. it sucks.


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

Ok so I did some more talking with my husband and found out he was in the beginnings of an EA with a much younger (24) H is 39 coworker. He just started discussing her relationship with her boyfriend with her and comparing it to our situation. He says it was nothing more and has agreed to stop talking to her about it. He also seems angry that its just one more thing that I'm taking away from him. My worry is that now she is like a forbidden fruit and its going to cause more issues. I just couldn't let it go on. I didn't tell him he needed to stop, I just said he needed to choose what he wanted, to go down that path with her, or work on our marriage but he couldn't do both. He chose to work on marriage. I'm still just really worried. He's going to be seeing her almost every day. She is one of his assistants. I hate this!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris

This is hard... The NC is not possible as long as they are working together. And, in that case the two of you really cannot work on your marriage. Obviously laying her off could violate all kinds of laws. You need to tell him he has to find new employment. This cannot be compromised. Take Care


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> Ok so I did some more talking with my husband and found out he was in the beginnings of an EA with a much younger (24) H is 39 coworker. He just started discussing her relationship with her boyfriend with her and comparing it to our situation. He says it was nothing more and has agreed to stop talking to her about it. He also seems angry that its just one more thing that I'm taking away from him. My worry is that now she is like a forbidden fruit and its going to cause more issues. I just couldn't let it go on. I didn't tell him he needed to stop, I just said he needed to choose what he wanted, to go down that path with her, or work on our marriage but he couldn't do both. He chose to work on marriage. I'm still just really worried. He's going to be seeing her almost every day. She is one of his assistants. I hate this!


Oh no...he's in deeper than he is telling you because he is talking about divorce. He could be having sex with her during lunch breaks. Prepare for the worst. He may be waiting for her to leave her boyfriend.

I think you need to try & break up this affair. Gather information on the co-worker. Let her boyfriend know what is going on. Don't be afraid. Remember he already told you he is not in love with you anymore & is thinking about divorce so what more do you have to lose?

Sure you can ask him to quit his job but that doesn't mean he will. If he has a good job, you will get good alimony in the event of a divorce.

Many married men that have affairs have NO intention of leaving the wives & family. Your husband is planning to.

Saying he wants to work on the marriage may only mean until the OW is ready to be with him full time.

I am so sorry about all of this. Your H, while in the fog of this affair, has no idea of the collateral damage he is about to cause.


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

Ok I have more to add. I have a friend that works in the same office as my husband and his assistant. She said she noticed him flirting with the assistant, but that she really didn't see any evidence that there was anything else going on. She also said that yesterday my husband was distant towards her like he said he would be. My friend is going to keep an eye on things for me. I am also getting the assistants cell number so I can check our phone bill to see if he contacts her outside of work. My gut is telling me that this was just flirting that was going down a path of something more, but my husband admitted it to me and agrees it was wrong and that he will stop. He is affectionate at home, our sex life is great, he just doesn't feel a spark. He tells me he loves me. Am I silly to think we have a chance? My game plan as of now is to just be the best mom and wife I can be to show him how good things can be.


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

Any thoughts?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Don't believe a word he says about cutting back on the co-worker. Investigate contact (texts, etc.) outside of work. It may be a one-sided EA where she has zero feelings for him. Short of him finding a new job, I can't think of how to get him away from her. While he is the fog of the EA, he won't really be trying to work on the marriage.

Will he agree to MC?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Cris,

Even with your friend being an inside source, there are ways he could still possibly carry on the A. But, even if he is no longer carrying on the A... It is obvious by your statement that of "he doesn't feel a spark" needs to be addressed. I would agree with Emerald, that maybe both you need to consider MC. Not that we are lovey dovey romantic for decades to come after marriage, but I get the feeling his interpretation of he has no spark for you means he simply may not love you anymore. I know that is hard to hear, but this needs to be addressed. 

I think you (both of you), need to seriously consider professional counseling, either MC or even MC plus IC for both of you. 

When deciding to get MC, shop around and ask lots of questions concerning you situation. Don't just take the first counselor you find in the yellow pages or on local google search.


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## greg54 (Nov 2, 2012)

Cris7 said:


> She said she noticed him flirting with the assistant, but that she really didn't see any evidence that there was anything else going on ... He is affectionate at home, our sex life is great, he just doesn't feel a spark..


Even if he's not having an affair, the flirting may be a sign that he's dealing with an urge to be with other women, and his marriage is the only thing keeping him from it. It may not even be a conscious choice - he could just need more excitement in the marriage to get over it. Frequent sex is good, but sex in the same bed with the same person the same way every time probably wouldn't be enough excitement for him ... Try spicing things up and see what happens.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You were sick. You had an illness. Hell, when I was depressed, I could barely get out of bed. If he doesn't recoginize depression as an illness just because you don't see the "broken leg" then he is immature & selfish.
> 
> A good husband or person is THRILLED when a person recovers from a serious illness. My BFF just had a bone marrow transplant (leukemia) & could not do ANYTHING for one year. It was very HARD on her husband but he was SUPPORTIVE.
> 
> ...


I agree and understand what you are saying but, how long and how debilitating was the depression?

OP's husband may have been extremely concerned and worried sick about his wife. He may have been coming home for a year or more and picking up the slack within the family and home after an exhausting days work.
He may have had to suppress his own needs, desires, hopes and feelings.
Depending on the way the depression mainfested itself he may have been belittled and demeaned while trying to hold everything together at work and at home.
He also could have been, or felt that he had been, starved of love, sex and affection.

To call him immature, selfish and not a nice person without knowing all the facts is very judgemental in my opinion.

I am not a medical person but what I do know about depression is that it is not generally a short term illness.

If OP's husband has felt like a mental punchbag for 6 months, a year or whatever it's going to take some time for him to recover too.
In my opinion it is unrealistic to suffer from depression, lose weight, recover then turn round to hubby and say "I'm all better now let's just start again as though nothing has happened."

I would however say that having an at least EA with a young girl from his workplace is not the way to act.


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## Cris7 (Oct 12, 2012)

Thank you all for your thoughts. I have been thinking about it a lot and have decided to show him the best I can be. I'm not going to bring up negative subjects anymore and just try and be positive. I'm also planning on spicing things up in the bedroom. I'll let you know how it goes.


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