# Please help and give me your feedback!!



## conflicted but in love (Sep 28, 2012)

Im not sure which section this falls under (infidelity, considering divorce, separating, or reconciliation) I'm just looking for some input, feedback or advice on my situatuion. 

I have been married for 5 years. I look now at allot of warning signs that I ignored because I was in love and my wife had allot of baggage coming in. She had been married twice, 2 kids, been cheated on and beaten in previous relationships. I however am younger than her no marriages or kids and never even lived with a girlfriend before. 

Some things that came up were I found out that a few months after dating she was emailing with an ex boyfriend about meeting up when he was in town. (according to what i found this never took place.) 2 years ago a women e-mailed me with naked pictures that my wife had sent to her husband. I later found e-mails and texts they had been sending back and forth. She said they never saw each other physically however they did work together occasionally. Also I looked into texts and e-mails and while they were dirty and innaproppriate nothing led me to believe they met up. In January of 2011 I found paperwork from an abortion clinic in her car. When confronted she lied till the very end. Even lying before i found out trying to say my vasectomy was no good (I had one after our daughter was born). She eventually told me she had an affair, got pregnant and had an abortion but she wanted to work it out with us. 

Now I know i am writing allot of bad stuff about her. I always felt I was a good husband and father to her son and our daughter. I work hard for my wife and family and always try to be supportive. I take the whole for better or worse thing very seriously. 

Now after the physical affair and abortion I agreed to work it out too. However we expected different things. She wanted thing to go back to normal I expected her to take the lead in making things better and go out of her way to make things up to me. I expected things to be different sexually however it was the same way things always were. We have sex when she wants to ONLY which was maybe 4 to 5 times a month. After an affair how you view certain things changes. I began checking up on her facebook, email, and texting allot. I figured if nothing was up it would help me trust her again. 

Now my wife is the type of women that is ALWAYS on the phone. walks in the door talking to a friend, always texting and scrolling through facebook. Its to the point I feel she ignores me and the kids sometimes. So after the affair I'm second guessing that this phone addiction is more than just taking to girlfriends. And I have found a few things that have raised concerns like men flirting or her going out and later i find out she was'nt truth full about where she was going and how long she was there. (A drink with a girlfriend for "only an hour" turning into 7 hours of bar hopping) When confronted my wife would flip it on me and get mad for not trusting her. 

This continued until a few months ago with having allot of ups and downs. During a down time she wanted to be separated. Financially we are not able to just move out immediately so we both stayed. I slept alone here and there and even slept in the bed with her a few times and even had sex. 

This still had its ups and downs and in a time of weakness I slept with someone. Now I was in no way in love with this person or even was she physically more attractive than my wife. I think it was just about feeling close to someone again. I knew afterwards that no matter what happened with me and my wife would I even sleep with her again. I cut it off on my own and decided to really work on my marriage and love my wife regardless how she acted to me and hopefully that would bring us closer together by her seeing unconditional love. 

So we tried to work it out again, We said were were going to forgive anything and everything in the past and just look forward. Now a few days later she changed cell phones and I found her old phone. Looking into it I found out over the previous several weeks she had been texting and calling both the guy she had the email relationship with and the guys she got pregnant with. The nature of things with the one guy was very flirty and lovey dovey while the nature of things with the guy that got her pregnant was graphic and sexual. I did see that she sent graphic pictures of herself to both men (she got a boob job a few months ago too). 
Now i confronted her about this wanting to just get it out on the table so there were no secrets. I wanted to move on and to make sure these two men were blocked out of our lives. She got mad at me at first but then accepted it and things seemed good. A few days later however she began checking in on me and found the record of calls and texts to the woman i slept with. She confronted me assuming I slept with her although I know she had no hard proof. I decided to come clean completely and tell her. I did and told her i still love her and want to make things work. She was not very receptive at first. A week or so later our daughter was in the hospital (nothing really serious) and we both stayed there for 4 days. We had allot of time to talk things out and I proposed we have a trial period in which we work on things and set a specific date to sit down and decide is we should continue or separate. 

So things went fairly well for about 3 weeks. She checked on me allot just like i did with her however I invited it so that she could trust me again. After about 3 weeks she began to act different She went out several nights in a row with "friends" including an overnight. She all of a sudden was acting very distant and I was'nt sure why. 

This went on for a week when she came to me stating it was over and she had met someone. He is a guy that works for the doctor she works for and he apparently has money. That evening she asked me to leave for the night so she could have time to "think and reflect" I complied. I came home at 3 am on my way to work to pick something up and I find this dudes car in my drive way. Im not a violent person or a hot head. I have a good job and knocking out some POS is not worth it to me. I confronted my wife about it and she admitted he was at the house but said they were just "talking" and he didn't spend the night. I told her that as long as I'm paying rent here that man is not to be in my home or see my children until I say its ok. She apologized and stated it would never happen again. 

Since then I have found out through my 4 year old daughter and through eves dropping that this man has indeed been in my house again when I'm at work (I work 24 hour shifts followed by 3 days off) I have also found out that my wife and him have had sex and she thinks she might be pregnant. I found this out through eves dropping on a conversation between her and her 17 year old daughter and 13 year old son. Not a conversation I think she should be having with her kids but hey that's just me. 

I have also found out that she either has or will be asking this man for money so she can move out or cover the rent in our current place after I move out. Then she told me today in a discussion she considers this man her boyfriend.

Its like 6 years together meant nothing. I truly think this new relationship is for the wrong reasons. She sees him and doesn't see the daily struggles we have like kids and bills. 
The main thing that hurts is all I put in to our marriage physically mentally emotionally and otherwise. and just some dude comes around and I see she never had the same dedication to our marriage that I did.
Part of me wants "us" back and part of me is too hurt and is ready to move on. (It will be a better move financially for me. If we stayed together I see no end in sight with our financial situation and actually things would get worse) 

Sorry this is so long If you made it this far thank you for reading I just need some insight on this and see what you all think I should do.


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

that is way too difficult to read,

you need to break that up into paragraphs


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

The enter key is your friend, edit it please?


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## conflicted but in love (Sep 28, 2012)

Sorry I'm new to this forum I'll edit it. maybe two posts?


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

conflicted but in love said:


> Sorry I'm new to this forum I'll edit it. maybe two posts?


u dont have to make two posts, just seperate it into paragraphs, its too hard on the eyes


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## conflicted but in love (Sep 28, 2012)

will do thanks for the help


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## conflicted but in love (Sep 28, 2012)

All fixed thanks for reading


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Even a teeter totter needs two people to work. You're at the end of the thing ready to go up and down, and she's walked off and is fading into the distance. 

How long wlll you sit there?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Okay, Don't take this as harsh, just advice. I read your post then I read it again. Can you tell me where there is something about this person that's redeemable? 

She has no boundaries, uses men, and is only out for herself. This is the reason for her baggage. 

Conflicted, your young, you don't need this treatment. Respect yourself and show you children no one should be disrespected this way. Don't let her go, send her and her bags to the OM. You deserve better.

Oh and GET BACK IN YOUR HOUSE, NOW! Let her go to the OM place. 
Does she work? Don't pay for anything except rent and food. 
Don't be her baby sitter either.
Your not there to subsidize her adultery.


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## gdtm0111 (Oct 15, 2012)

It sounds like she's an addict to this type of behavior and being around people that are. You don't want your child around this!

At this point, there's no reason for MC. You can clearly see by her actions (and yours too, sorry) that neither of you needs to stay in this marriage.

I agree with AW - pack her bags, and tell her to get out.
Contact a lawyer, and file quickly.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sorry about this.

She played the victim when you met her - beaten & cheated on in her other 2 marriages......let me guess....she was very charming, flirty, sexy & beautiful & gave you great sex........possible bipolar or BPD.....her life was a mess & you "saved" her & her children. 

I am recommending that you cut your losses now. She has found her next "savior" & he is having sex with your wife in your own home.

I am very sorry.


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