# New here, my wife is wearing my patience thin.



## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

Not sure where to begin: My wife and I got into another ridiculous argument (over supper/listening) ....again. I've began asking/confirming questions 2-3 times to confirm her answer on certain things. But typically 30mins-2 hours later she asks why I didn't do something, ...and tells me that she was clear on something (but never said anything about it) and blames me for not listening. I tell her that I asked her multiple times to confirm the answer I needed, but she tells me she only heard me once and falsely quotes me on what I said.

After I start to get snippy with her, because I'm just exhausted of her being negative/not listening to me; ..she has to tell me that she hates me almost all the time and that she feels stuck in the marriage and is just dealing with it. Out of frustration I sarcastically said "if I was as rotten to you as you were to me, we'd have a glorious marriage!". She just said that she'd take the kids and leave me if I was as rotten as her. I'm thinking, ...'ok?'. Sarcastically, she admits to being rotten to me, but yet blames me for everything wrong in our marriage. I know that doesn't make sense but that is what I'm dealing with.

Just a brief background between us: We both grew up in a 'Christian' home and learned how to watch our language. We are what most people would call a 'goody two shoes'. However, in our marriage my wife always cusses at me when the kids aren't around and I don't cuss at all, though I've been tempted many times. If you were to see us out-and-about, you'd think we had a perfect little marriage/family. But inside our home it is quite the opposite. 

There are more details, but I'd be writing a book all day if I went into everything.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, we don't need a novel that will rival War And Peace, but a few more details will suffice.

Your anger is coming right through my computer screen. Your first paragraph is circuitous. Do you know what I mean? It sounds like a dog chasing his tail.

And you are, in a way, chasing your tail. As is your wife. Going 'round and 'round is getting you nowhere.

The arguments you are having are about a whole lot more than what you are arguing about. You do realize that, don't you?

Cussing aside ... people cuss. Even Christians cuss. I don't recall anything in the Bible saying, "thou shall not cuss." We are not to use God's name in vain; other than that, if a spouse calls their partner a douche bag, I don't think fire and brimstone will be rained down upon them.

So, let's cut to the chase ... WHAT is the problem in your marriage? Bottom line. REALLY. 

Passive-aggression? Depression? Sex? 

Your wife says she "hates" you. She feels stuck. When a partner starts tossing around heavy-handed words like "hate" you have a WHOLE LOT more going on than just getting a question/answer dialogue right!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i agree with prodigal that you haven't given much info, but it does seem that there is a lot more wrong than your wife thinking that you are not listening when you clarify 3x.

the crux of your problem is that she hates you most of the time and that she is rotten to you and acknowledges that, even sarcastically.

your kids know that she hates you. your kids know that you have a dysfunctional unhappy rotten marriage.

why are you two still together? what is it that keeps you hanging on? why is she hanging on? gee - if that's the way she feels about you why is she still around? there must be no sex at all in this marriage.

If you two want to work it out, you need MC.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

If it is as bad as you say, you could secretly wear a recorder. Analyze it after one of her arguments. If it is still as bad as you think, gather yourself and show it to her. Let her hear it for herself.

However, before you go that far, you need to analyze yourself. You admit to be snippy and saying things to her that would put her on the defensive. Then you justify them. She may be doing the exact same thing. 'I only nag him BECAUSE he doesn't listen' or 'I only say I hate him BECAUSE he gets snippy with me'. Then all of the sudden you guys are arguing about arguing and that is no place to be. Sometimes taking the high road during an argument allows for enough trust to calmly discuss the underlying issues once emotions have subsided.


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

Your right Prodigal in that I'm chasing my tail, but I don't know where to begin to be honest. I feel like I could branch off into 10 areas. 

To me: Sex is a major issue.
To her: Sex is nearly pointless outside of reproduction. 
99% (honest) of the time she reluctantly has sex with me. 

An average of every 2 weeks. Sometimes 2 months. And when I bring up that 'Sex matters', she always throws up the 'all you ever think about is sex!' argument. Then proceeds to tell me that i'm just a typical disgusting man.

To her: I never show appreciation/or do anything around the house.
me: I complement her several times daily, do 'quicky' massages (that she loves) several times daily, atleast a load of dishes, cook atleast one (sometimes all meals) meal a day, and a load of laundry every 2-3 days. And play with our young kids 4-8(or more) hours per day. Honestly I feel like I do a ton, but she seems to ignore it when I do them. So I feel un-appreciated.

Of course this does cause some depression because I've been dealing with it for about 7 years.

To her: I never listen
Me: I feel like I'm a great listener, but I've made it clear that I don't like puzzles to solve and I need straight answers if she wants specific things from me.

To her: cussing is imature/forbidded unless she is the one doing it.
To me: cussing is a way to relieve stress, but I try to please her too much by never doing it. (I hope that makes sense)

I feel like I bend over backwards too much and now I'm getting to the point of 'who cares anymore'. I feel like she takes advantage of my genorousity. 

I know she would say something completely different, to make me sound awful, but you'll just have to trust me in saying that I'm trying to be fair here.

She does work a business from home, so I know she is stressed out from that. And that has part to do with my 'genorousity', but it seems to never be enough.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Do you not work? If you do, why is there such an imbalance in domestic duties?


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

I work part time (anywhere from 15-40 hours per weeks) and she works a business from home (30-80 hours/week), that I help her with sometimes when needed. I feel (another branch) ...she is also placing the business ahead of our marriage. 

I actually like the business, but have expressed several times that she needs to invest less into it and more into our marriage (in other words). My biggest frustration with our business is that we profit very little. Less than minimum wage after expenses. The only way we are surviving is our low-standard of living, and cheap rent.

So financial pressure would be another stresser.

Added to that: ...I've been looking for a full time job. To ease our finance burden. She of course, thinks I want to quite the business (that she loves) and make her into a boring full-time house wife (my paraphrasing). She wouldn't call it that, but many words later, that is what it boils down to.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Joe, like Prodigal and IsGirl3, I am left wondering why in the world you've been staying with this abusive, mean-spirited woman for 7 years? You don't say one good thing about her. You say she hates you "almost all the time" and you give no indication that she loves you at all. And, on top of all that, she doesn't even want to have sex with you.


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

Another thing: We have two toddler girls who are very high energy and require full attention. 

Naturally they want mommy more than dad. So my wife will also put that blame on me for not being as productive as she wishes because of the girls wanting here attention. 

......Yet another tid bit: ....Discipline. We both have different stances on disciplining bad behaviors from our children. I sadly could go on and on. 

I know I am not perfect. I can improve too, but I really do feel this to be an imbalanced marriage.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Joe80 said:


> Another thing: We have two toddler girls who are very high energy and require full attention.
> 
> Naturally they want mommy more than dad. So my wife will also put that blame on me for not being as productive as she wishes because of the girls wanting here attention.
> 
> ...


What are your reasons for staying? I assume kids is one but is there anything specifically about her that makes you happy?


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

I feel like 'family' is more important than 'marriage'. That may sound like an oxymoron to some but it makes sense to me. I've seen enough broken family's due to broken marriages in my life. I don't want my daughters to be in a broken family. 

I do have hope. There are enough positive features in her that I see potentially becoming more prominent in our marriage if I stick it out. I pray that it does grow into fruition.

Don't get me wrong, I do love her, but I have to try really hard to please her. My patience is what is running out.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Nice'ing someone into behaving rationally never works.

This woman 'hates' you and you think you can fix this by pleasing her?


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

I'm "nice'ing" her to keep things at bay until I know what to do. Because I don't know what to do at this point. If I treat her like she treats me, our marriage would end quickly. And that is what I'm avoiding. I'm trying to tread it until I can attempt a different avenue at resurrecting this marriage.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Please don't take this as criticizing, I am just sharing my opinion and I am definitely not advocating you to leave. However, I think you need to rethink this statement "I feel like 'family' is more important than 'marriage'". Your marriage is the foundation of your family and the model for your children. You have to build that foundation to protect your family. In addition, the dynamic that you and your wife share is what your children will know as normal when they get married. 

If you want to protect your family, you first need to protect your marriage. That is going to take some serious communication between you and your wife. Whether it is through book learning, church, or counseling it is something that IMO needs to be your first priority.


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

I don't mind your opinion Yello.. Deep down I know marriage is the foundation to a great family, but the surface level says otherwise. It is easier said than done. I've brought up counseling several times over the last 3-4 years, but she always avoids the conversation. Either She has a lot of pride and thinks she is better than counseling, or She has a trust issue with sharing personal matters with a third party.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

What do you say when she says she won't go to counseling? I think you should say "I will let you know the day and time"


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Also, I think you need to focus on not getting emotional in arguments right now. Matter of fact statements in a calm tone. Don't stoop to her level and don't give her any reason to escalate arguments. When it gets that bad have a canned line that gets you some space til things calm down.


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## Joe80 (May 18, 2013)

Sometimes I wish we were closer to a city. Being in the boonies doesn't give us the best access to counselors unless we drive an hour. Or, we risk our small community knowing everything about us.

It is challenging to not get emotional when the wife immediately gets emotional. 

Obviously part of her makeup is her upbringing. Legalistic-christian upbringing, with a drunkard-father. Then having a hyper-emotional mom on top of it adds to the equation. Things she recognizes as problems, but yet ignores any kind of treatment/paths to improvement. 

Much of which we discussed during our dating period. She was very optimistic about seeking help and improving on her weaknesses. But years later, just ignores it now.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I know it's a drive, but if you really value your family unit...you will get that counseling.

Your wife sounds extremely embittered. I grew up in a legalistic, "Christian" environment with a drunk father and an emotional mother...like your wife. It doesn't have to be this way.

It's really strong wording - hating you. That's a nasty, nasty thing to say to anybody let alone your husband. Your wife is very angry over something. VERY. Whether she admits it or not. This just has to be addressed by a qualified counselor.

I commend you for trying to keep your marriage together. You can only try. But your children will be better for your trying. So keep trying.

A lot of people here will tell you to walk away. Don't walk away until you have explored every single option. Don't.

I know it's not the most edifying post...but please get counseling. A marriage that is happy is a joy...a marriage that is unhappy is a living hell. Right now, you're in hell. But there is hope. It may not work out. But if you invest in anything in your life, this is the most worthwhile venture.

A word of advice...please don't nitpick at your wife if she cusses at you. That sounds very childish and extremely controlling. Adults cuss. It's ok. Of course, feel free to cuss yourself lol

I wish all the best.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Are you my husband? My husband and I just dealt with the same this past weekend and spent a very emotional hour in counseling on Friday because of it.

Let me see if you can understand this from a someone who is not involved......my guess is your wife wanted you to take on a task without her asking. I know for me, at least, I get tired of feeling like I am the only one organized or know what's going on in the home....it makes me feel like I have all children in the house and I don't like the feeling that I am a mother to my husband.....does that makes sense?

Something tells me she did tell you about the the questioned supper dish and the reason I say this is it happened with me and my husband......I ran down the list I was palnning to prepare for Mother's day dinner, company coming over, and I asked him to make a run to the grocery store. Later he comes in (he was camped on the computer on a day I felt should have been special for me and I was not happy with it and did not feel I should have to ask to be treated special), he asks if I was making a certain dish. That dish was not on the list I rambled off to him, I have no idea where he got that. We argued and argued over that but you know it was not a matter of the dish or him not hearing me. I was frustrated because I wanted to be treated special on mother's day and felt selfish to ask. Does this make sense?

My guess your arguement over the dish was not about the dish at all but more than likely that your wife does not feel you are meeting her needs and she doesn't feel she can ask or that you would even understand or hear her which leads to more frustration on her part so she tries to keep it in and it simply doesn't work well to hold in hard feelings. You see hurt and you think it is about something as stupid as a salad and think she is over sensative. her words/ her actions/ her hurt makes you feel intimidated so you back off which makes it all worse because what she REALLY wants is for you to be a part of the process in the first place. She wants you to make that dish without asking or cook a special meal for her, something to show you still care.

Too many times we take each other for granted. you get used to the things she does and vise versa but that does not always mean she is happy at assuming thos roles.

When we are first together that time together is so important and we do so much for each other but with time we kind of go our seperate ways and do our own thing. We expect things from each other. So my question to you would be what are you doing for your wife to amke her feel special without her asking? And don't say you bought her flowers. Flowers are nice but women don't want to feel like they can be bought. When was the last time you did something completely out of the blue just because you love your wife, not expecting sex to be your reward? Think about it.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

Well I hope I do not sound like I am making a discriminatory remark here, because I am not. Now you say you are both Christians, but she refuses to go to MC, but do you go to church regularly? I am asking this only because if she will not go to a MC, than maybe she will she down with your pastor with you and talk about is going on with her and your marriage that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

yellowledbet said:


> Also, I think you need to focus on not getting emotional in arguments right now. Matter of fact statements in a calm tone. Don't stoop to her level and don't give her any reason to escalate arguments. When it gets that bad have a canned line that gets you some space til things calm down.


I agree. This is what came to mind for me as well. Just stop arguing. It takes two to argue. When a conversation starts to turn into an argument just stop. End it in a respectful manner and go do something else.

Then if needed you can bring up the topic later after you both have calmed down.

If she is cursing at you, just tell her to stop and then walk away. Let her know that you will no longer engage in this kind of exchange.

If you start making changes in yourself, it will force her to change. This is how one person can change a relationship.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Please don't tell us that you are jealous of the attention your wife needs to pay to your children. That is just ridiculous.

You fail to tell us exactly what is wrong with you marriage short of the two of you arguing all the time. Again..is it because you feel she pays more attention to your children than she does to you? If that's the case, get over it as she's a mother and needs to tend to her children as a mother should.

And yes...a husband deserve attention too but if you work with her and help her out..that will come with your marriage.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Joe,

Your going about this all wrong

First, buy the book "no more mr nice guy", and one called "married man sex life". Get them online if you need as an ebook.

Now, the details in the books may or may not fit your particular personality, but a little knowledge goes a long way and there are good behavioral pointers in the book.

You see, you may need to take control of your marriage, in the sense that you need to take back control of yourself, since that is the only thing that you really have control over. 

When you were dating, you both obviously communicated better, calmly and with respect. You knew who you were back then and had a sense of personal direction in your life, and probably didn't get frustrated with her over sweating the small stuff, but took a rational approach.

After a while in marriage, we tend to forget ourselves and start sweating the small stuff...because it still has nothing to do with the small stuff, but I think that's how we manifest the bigger problems in the marriage. Maybe a feeling of no appreciation. Maybe your needs not being met.

So...where do you start? Start taking control of yourself again. Start being that man of confidence again. Don't sweat the small stuff. Treat your communication with your wife like you would the cashier at the store...respectful and calm, but you also know when to CALMLY express when a boundary has been crossed, such as disrespectful smack talk. If it gets to that point, leave the house with the girls for a bit and explain you both need a breather to calm down and then you will talk later again.

Keep in mind a behavioral change in you will skew the dynamic in the house, most likely it will seem to get worse as she resists the change in dynamic, but then may get better while the dynamic resets itself. Sometime this can take weeks.

Be the "man", calm and composed. read those books. Plus maybe "his needs, her needs". All have good pointers...they are not "definitive works", by any means, as every relationship is different, but I found them the most sensible with awesome information.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay she's an adult child of an alcoholic. Have you thought about reading up on that? I'm thinking a book like how to stop walking on eggshells might help. You need help coping with a broken person.


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## Rollin (May 18, 2013)

You need to show her how ridiculous/petty her views on what you should be doing are by your actions. 

Don't let her get you involved in anymore arguments, it's time for you to start making some major changes and show her that you aren't going to take her crap anymore. The two books alpha recommended are a must for you to get caught up in how to effectively implement these changes.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Okay she's an adult child of an alcoholic. Have you thought about reading up on that? I'm thinking a book like how to stop walking on eggshells might help. You need help coping with a broken person.


No, not a book on walking on eggshells. I am an adult child of alcoholic parents. OP, your wife 'loves too much' which is typical of women whose parents had addiction issues. We end up with people like our parents even if they do not drink....they simply are not available to us in some fashion which connects with the reply I posted earlier. 

There's books and articles on the Internet written on the subject. I think both you and your wife could benefit if you look into and read about what has made up her chemistry.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> No, not a book on walking on eggshells. I am an adult child of alcoholic parents. OP, your wife 'loves too much' which is typical of women whose parents had addiction issues. We end up with people like our parents even if they do not drink....they simply are not available to us in some fashion which connects with the reply I posted earlier.
> 
> There's books and articles on the Internet written on the subject. I think both you and your wife could benefit if you look into and read about what has made up her chemistry.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Joe80 said:


> Sometimes I wish we were closer to a city. Being in the boonies doesn't give us the best access to counselors unless we drive an hour. Or, we risk our small community knowing everything about us.
> 
> It is challenging to not get emotional when the wife immediately gets emotional.
> 
> ...


Joe I have been in your position with emotional arguments in the past. While it is difficult to do; you must make up your mind you will not respond to emotional outburst with your own emotion. This only escalates the situation. You must determine to take a clinical view of the arguments and deal with them in a cool and calm manner. He who is able to keep his head in a fight is the one who carries the day. 

Look at her arguments in an analytic way and refuse to take offense. Take each statement she makes this way and stay on point. Don't allow mission creep to come into play. Each time she tries to do this redirect the argument back to its starting point. Sometimes this can be like herding cats but if you keep your head you *can* do it.


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