# Your man opinion. Please and Thank you. :)



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

So, I'm trying to understand my husband. Well, actually its just getting on my nerves. But my husband has this thing as if I ask him to do something he really doesn't want to do, he gives this impression that he wants me to beg him to do it. For example, I asked him could he go on a couples date night with couple friend of mind. At first he immediately said no. Okay, so did ask him again the same day, he said, "I said no." Okay, so I made plans and scheduled dinner with my girlfriend. He then calls me at the same time we're supposed to be at the restaurant and asks, where are you? I say, I'm at dinner. He states, well, I got dressed. (I'm thinking, dressed for what?.) So I respond, you said that you did not want to hang out with us so we're having dinner. His response.... "well, I couldn't just let you win so easily." Ummmm, what? 

Second, I asked him a couple days ago if he could take our daughter to swim class. He says no. Now, I know he has nothing to do during that time, but you can say no because you rather watch tv instead. So, I make other plans. He asks me last night, so what day was it again that I was supposed to pick up Char and take her to swim...immediate *blank stare* and internal rage. I say to him, "I wish you would have confirmed that you were willing to take her to swim." He says, well, you should have called me at work before you made your plans to see if I had changed my mind. 

Guys, I don't like playing games. I know my husband's schedule and its pretty much go to work, come home, sleep and watch tv. So if I ask can he do something, I already know for the most part if he has stuff today. But still, he has the perogative to do it or not. Things is, I am not going to beg him. If I am able to move forward otherwise I will. Can you help me understand?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Change your tactic.


"What are your plans for Saturday night?"

Him: "Nothing, why?"

You: "Great, Sherrie and Jim invited us to dinner at 8:00."

"I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon, I need you to pick up Susie from swimming at 4:00 pm."

He's being passive aggressive. Very dangerous dynamic he's building and you are feeding into.

Best way to deal with it is to CLARIFY. So when he says, "No." You can say, 

"So I'm going to tell Jim and Sherrie, we won't be joining them." or ... go yourself.

"So I'm going to make other arrangements for Susie."

If this pattern is consistent, you could instead choose to escalate. 

"It's not a request."


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

So instead of giving him a choice to the matter, I should just tell him he's going to pick up our daughter and I'm going to my appointment and that's that?



Deejo said:


> Change your tactic.
> 
> 
> "What are your plans for Saturday night?"
> ...


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

As you describe it, OP, your H is playing some kind of power game with you. "I couldn't let you win so easily"? WTF?

If these little mind games normally revolve around dates and times, I'd suggest putting up a big calendar in the kitchen with specific entries on who does what when, so that he cannot switch gears on you at the last minute. So, for example, after he says no twice to the dinner with another couple, you enter:

"June 7. Maccheese dinner solo with Fred and Ethel."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'd ask him once, repeat his answer back to him so you both agree on what his answer was and then I'd drive on with that information. Screw a bunch of "what if I changed my mind?". Screw a bunch of begging. After I'd asked him for help or to go out a few times and received "no", I'd quit asking him and I'd start asking someone more obliging. If he complains, remind him that you came to him first but were turned down. The world will continue to turn whether he wishes to be part of it or not. His decision to watch TV rather than spend time with his family doesn't constitute a decision for you to be a hermit or for his daughter to miss swim practice.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

This whole winning and losing thing comes up in conversation all the time. I think he equates not getting his way with losing. Um, I don't even think about me winning or him losing, even in arguments. Its really whatever. I don't even ask him for much (I don't think.) I usually try to take care of as much stuff for myself as possible. If I'm asking him, is because I could really use his help or involvement





Philat said:


> As you describe it, OP, your H is playing some kind of power game with you. "I couldn't let you win so easily"? WTF?
> 
> If these little mind games normally revolve around dates and times, I'd suggest putting up a big calendar in the kitchen with specific entries on who does what when, so that he cannot switch gears on you at the last minute. So, for example, after he says no twice to the dinner with another couple, you enter:
> 
> "June 7. Maccheese dinner solo with Fred and Ethel."


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

The dude needs some counseling.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

maccheese said:


> So instead of giving him a choice to the matter, I should just tell him he's going to pick up our daughter and I'm going to my appointment and that's that?


Strategically, and judiciously. Yes.

I basically agree with unbelievable. Repeat what he is saying back to him. Clarify his response. "So you're answer is no ..."

Then at your leisure and at your discretion, if he pulls the same crap you can call him out on his d0uchebaggery.

"So basically, I can't take you at your word, and you change your mind like a toddler ... check. That's attractive."

Lots of people aren't comfortable with my recommendation of calling out and emphasizing bad behavior. I'm a results oriented guy rather than a what's appropriate kind of guy.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's BS. You shouldn't have to treat him like a 2 year old to get him to do things.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is ALL about power. Begging puts you in the weak seat. 

He incorrectly believes that agreeing easily to these requests puts him in the weak seat. 

Telling him what he is going to do will likely trigger an even worse reaction. 

Better to hit the root of the issue. You might want to read the link below and see if it resonates. 

MennoDiscuss.com • View topic - Dominance, Communality and Reciprocity Relationships


Example: 
You asked him on a date with friends. Is he friends with, neutral on, or not fond of those friends? 

Either way, he said no. In a communal relationship, your response to that would have been to accept it and let him know you were making plans to see her girl friend. 

In a dominance relationship, you would attempt to get him to change his mind by asking repeatedly, or applying some other type of pressure. 



[/B]


maccheese said:


> This whole winning and losing thing comes up in conversation all the time. I think he equates not getting his way with losing. Um, I don't even think about me winning or him losing, even in arguments. Its really whatever. I don't even ask him for much (I don't think.) I usually try to take care of as much stuff for myself as possible. If I'm asking him, is because I could really use his help or involvement


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Can kinda understand not wanting to go out to dinner, but not to the point of being a jerk about it. Especially if he knows you really want to. If it gets to the level of "can we, please?" he should automatically give in. 

Swim lessons are fun. If he doesn't want to go to that, he's a stick in the mud.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I would simply ask. When he says no. I would make other arrangements. And then after when he starts talking about it, I'd shut him down with 

"When I married you, I thought I was marrying a man of his word. You said no. I took you at your word. I'm not going to live my life around IF you change your mind, and I'm not going to chase you around. Maybe you need to take a little more time and think about your answers first. I'm not going to tell you to do things, I respect you as the man of the house. But I'm also not going to keep things as maybes because you MIGHT change your mind." And then go about your business.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Could be also coping mechanism.

Can you look impartially at your relationship with your H and give a statistic who makes the decisions in the family?
For example : Is it 70% you and 30% him?

Why is he assuming 'power play'?

Can you take 'no' for an answer?

What do you think - Is he is lazy and rigid?
Is he smart but underachieving ? Irresponsible?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree that he is exhibiting passive aggressive behavior...

Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man: Coping with Hidden Aggression--From the Bedroom to the Boardroom by Scott Wezler


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No way and I mean NO way you didn't see this all before you got married. No one suddenly just becomes this. So why did you get married to someone so passive aggressive. I doubt this can be changed but all you can do is stand firm. Ask...he says no...make your alternate plans and stick to them....no matter how much he gets upset just keep repeating back well you said no.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> No way and I mean NO way you didn't see this all before you got married. No one suddenly just becomes this. So why did you get married to someone so passive aggressive. I doubt this can be changed but all you can do is stand firm. Ask...he says no...make your alternate plans and stick to them....no matter how much he gets upset just keep repeating back well you said no.



Because most women like passive aggressive.

Can you say 'Bond, James Bond'?


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

maccheese said:


> Guys, I don't like playing games. I know my husband's schedule and its pretty much go to work, come home, sleep and watch tv. So if I ask can he do something, I already know for the most part if he has stuff today. But still, he has the perogative to do it or not. Things is, I am not going to beg him. If I am able to move forward otherwise I will. Can you help me understand?


Yes, it's a game but there must be some motive for it.

Are you a bossy person?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I guess I may have some history of being "a bit much," according to him, but I still don't quite see it 100%. I mean, I am who I am. If I am a fairly independent person who rarely asks you for anything and then when I do, you say no, I really am wondering what basis do you have for saying no other than you just want to say no. That I just don't get. Open to more opinions. 



Sunburn said:


> Yes, it's a game but there must be some motive for it.
> 
> Are you a bossy person?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Well, he wasn't quite this way before we got married. And, we got married what I kind of consider young (25) and I honestly don't believe you always make the best marriage decisions in your mid twenties. Some people do. Also, when I got married, I didn't have this huge checklist of things he had to be or not to be and not being passive aggressive was on there. I simply married a man who was nice and I knew loved me. That's it. I realized that no one is perfect (as I am very far from it) and the rest I can either tolerate, adjust to, or we'll figure it out together. And here I am trying to figure it out. 



Wolf1974 said:


> No way and I mean NO way you didn't see this all before you got married. No one suddenly just becomes this. So why did you get married to someone so passive aggressive. I doubt this can be changed but all you can do is stand firm. Ask...he says no...make your alternate plans and stick to them....no matter how much he gets upset just keep repeating back well you said no.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Yes, I can impartially look and I can and have expressed my concerns about this to him. I make a lot of the decisions. But a lot of it is because he does not want to take responsibility or really do his own thing. Ok. I'm okay with a grown person who wants to do their own thing, but there is responsibility that comes with that and a lot of the time he does not want to take that. For example, he asked me take over the family finances because he ran them in the ground (he really asked me and I've tried many times to give them back), but now that I take care of them, he kind of sees the reality of our financial situation and has told me flat out that he doesn't like looking at it because it makes him more upset (instead of him thinking of a way to do something about it.) Therefore, the tough decisions and responsibility of what to do with our lives financially is left up to me everyday and not to brag, but I do it very well. The thing is, he still has a part.

Yes, I can take no for an answer, but when he says no, as I stated in my original post, I usually just make other plans. Or to be honest, if its something that really requires his input, I may revisit at a later time because I know sometimes, he just says no, to say no. No real rationale behind it other than he doesn't like it or want to do it. 

Yes, he is smart and underachieving in my eye. He really doesn't want to do the smart/hard work in life to make things happen. Okay, I get it, but guess what, I am willing to do those things, and as a result, I'm just going to keep moving because there are certain things in life I want to have and a certain way I want to live. But, he'd really just rather watch A LOT of tv, settle for the job he has, and really depend on me to make up a lot of the difference and more (financially and household responsibility.) Hence, when he says no to something, I don't get it. Not to say he does nothing, but there can be more to balance the scales. Open to more opinions...



OpenEnded said:


> Could be also coping mechanism.
> 
> Can you look impartially at your relationship with your H and give a statistic who makes the decisions in the family?
> For example : Is it 70% you and 30% him?
> ...


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

maccheese said:


> So instead of giving him a choice to the matter, I should just tell him he's going to pick up our daughter and I'm going to my appointment and that's that?



Uh Yeah at least that's how my wife does it though I don't pull the passive stuff no need to I do the same to her with plans I make.

"Hey petunia has dance class I have to get my nose hairs waxed you take her"

Now this pertains to the kids and house/ family stuff to me there is no "well let me find someone else" unless we both have prior commitments we can't get out of one of us does it, that is a shared responsibility there is no saying no for bullsh1t reasons.

The social stuff just confirm his decision and make it clear you are making plans without him.

"Do you want to go dumpster diving with Fred and Wilma?"
"No"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I don't want to go"
"Fine well I am going anyhow I will call / text when I am on my way home" "Oh is there anything you want me to look for when I go?" "OK see you later"

Passive/aggressive people are like kids you have to make them confirm their own actions and then tell them what your reaction will be so there is no way for them to say they didn't hear you or changed their mind or any other excuse they give when things don't get done or they screw up your plans by suddenly changing their mind.

My wife can be P/A and when it starts I call her out on it, make it clear I am not playing her game it is either this or that choose right now and let's move on.

Tough love it is not always for your kids.


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## Sweetpea12 (Jun 29, 2014)

A few said what I'm bout to....it's passive aggressive, tell him to spit out what he's really feeling!


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

maccheese said:


> I guess I may have some history of being "a bit much," according to him, but I still don't quite see it 100%. I mean, I am who I am. If I am a fairly independent person who rarely asks you for anything and then when I do, you say no, I really am wondering what basis do you have for saying no other than you just want to say no. That I just don't get. Open to more opinions.


The fact that you're independent and rarely ask things doesn't automatically mean that when you do ask, you should be told yes. Weigh each request on it's individual merit, not based on frequency or entitlement.

I'm not giving your H a pass, far from it. His responses are...."off". He's fighting just to fight it seems. I'm just pointing out your own part in this equation.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Agree with passive-aggressive, but also face-saving. He doesn't want to do the thing, and wants to avoid the negative perception that he refused. So he says "no", then offers up that he was ok with it at the last moment, playing on any ambiguity - when its probably too late to have to do anyway.

This way he gets to say it was your fault for not insisting, and he can feign that he was actually ok with doing it.

Remove the ambiguity, or don't present it as a choice. "So and so invited us to dinner at 6pm, I'm going to go, do you want to come?" ... or the no choice version "So and so invited us to dinner. We're meeting them at 6pm." and "I have x going on, will you [not 'can you'] take daughter to swim?" -"No." "Then I will find another way to get her there." And when you find that way, "So and so will be taking daughter to swim class".

Don't give him any wiggle room. Force him to fully own his lack of participation.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Another thought, what is the dynamic between you two? Are you particularly controlling in the relationship?

I know a guy who basically naysays just about anything his wife says as a stupid way of exerting himself. He'll basically say "no" to almost everything seemingly just to let her know he can or exhibit some kind of willful defiance - I suspect its joking, but its kinda hard to tell.

She definitively wears the proverbial pants in their family. To me, it kinda looks like a toddler who is given a simple task, but still pouts, "NO!" - without real reason. Its like an immature independence thing I think. Child-like.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

OpenEnded said:


> Because most women like passive aggressive.
> 
> Can you say 'Bond, James Bond'?


:\ Interesting... passive-aggressiveness is not something I associate with Bond at all. Sorry for the tangent, but what would you say your reasoning is?


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

What happens when you ask him if he wants to do something, he says no, and then you don't do it?

I know that in my past, I would get very PA when told to do anything. For me, there was a hopelessness to it - no matter what I said, it was irrelevant to the outcome. "Do you want to do X on Saturday?" actually meant "The kids and I are doing X on Saturday, are you coming with us?" I know it would have meant the world to me to have her respond to my "no" with "ok, then we won't do it. Was there something you'd like to do?"


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

maccheese said:


> So, I'm trying to understand my husband. Well, actually its just getting on my nerves. But my husband has this thing as if I ask him to do something he really doesn't want to do, he gives this impression that he wants me to beg him to do it. For example, I asked him could he go on a couples date night with couple friend of mind. At first he immediately said no. Okay, so did ask him again the same day, he said, "I said no." Okay, so I made plans and scheduled dinner with my girlfriend. He then calls me at the same time we're supposed to be at the restaurant and asks, where are you? I say, I'm at dinner. He states, well, I got dressed. (I'm thinking, dressed for what?.) So I respond, you said that you did not want to hang out with us so we're having dinner. His response.... "well, I couldn't just let you win so easily." Ummmm, what?
> 
> Second, I asked him a couple days ago if he could take our daughter to swim class. He says no. Now, I know he has nothing to do during that time, but you can say no because you rather watch tv instead. So, I make other plans. He asks me last night, so what day was it again that I was supposed to pick up Char and take her to swim...immediate *blank stare* and internal rage. I say to him, "I wish you would have confirmed that you were willing to take her to swim." He says, well, you should have called me at work before you made your plans to see if I had changed my mind.
> 
> Guys, I don't like playing games. I know my husband's schedule and its pretty much go to work, come home, sleep and watch tv. So if I ask can he do something, I already know for the most part if he has stuff today. But still, he has the perogative to do it or not. Things is, I am not going to beg him. If I am able to move forward otherwise I will. Can you help me understand?


When he says 'No' to these things that he really should be saying 'Yes' to, is at after you said 'No' to something that you should have said 'Yes' to.

In my relationship, we have a long standing issue with her rejecting me with sex. After a while, I get resentful.


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