# A Question for Men



## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Hi

Due to my ill health my husband and I have hardly had sex in four years - partly due to he pain I was in but also because all my positive/sexual emotions switched off. Things have changed for me dramatically over the past few months and, after a long talk with my husband, I realised that I have neglected him and our marriage.

My question is I would have thought that my initiating intimacy with him would have been a positive thing and get a good response. However he keeps telling me that he needs time and it's been a long time. It is confusing me a little. Also even if he takes over from masterbating (himself) he can't always come and seems frustrated. I asked if it was me and again he said "it's been a long time". 

FYI he has instigated intimacy more times than I have.

Any advice gratefully received x


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

If you were really ill, you weren't neglecting you marriage. The typical male wouldn't have any trouble getting back into the swing of things. It like a old classmate of mine who works on the Gray Ranch down in Calcasieu Parish Louisiana would say, "once you learn to ride is easy to get back in the saddle." The downside is your old man may be picking grapes at a different vineyard.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

I have challenged him regarding having an affair & he swears he hasn't cheated on me. To be honest I don't know when he would be seeing someone else as he doesn't go out with friends or for a hobby.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

No way to know what is going on in his mind. There may be resentment I suppose, -maybe he has just lost interest. If he is having trouble finishing it may be a confidence issue. 

All you can do is try to work on your relationship and make it as good as possible. Is sex really important to him? What would be his ideal situation?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Have you two talk about this outside of the bedroom? 

Does he understand why you were not available for four years, and now suddenly are?

I would guess it is not a physical issue (though that is possible).

Do you say anything to try to draw out the truth from him when he deflects by saying "It has been a long time."

I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but I would have to guess the last four years have been more painful for him than you realize. (It varies, of course.) Rejection is hard to take when it is verbalized, but after so many it no longer has to be spoken....it just becomes understood, and one stops hoping and asking... But the experience of rejection continues to occur daily. At least that is what has happened so far in my case (~1.5 years since any physical contact worthy of counting).

He probably feels a mix of emotions, or is struggling somewhat to not feel them. You should ask him what he is feeling. "You are right. It has been a long time. How have you been dealing with the disconnect from that part of our relationship, and that part of yourself? Do you think it has changed how you feel about me? Or made it difficult to feel vulnerable around me, to risk being open to intimacy, to risk letting yourself desire me and hope I will want you too?"


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Hard to be sure without a lot more information, but I wouldn't be surprised if he has disconnected from you in some ways to protect himself from the pain of rejection. You were ill, so i'm not saying you are to blame. Either way, it can be very painful and damaging to one's self-esteem when his or her spouse has no interest in sex. Rejection hurts.

Don't jump to the typical conclusions that he is cheating. Give him some time, and be patient. Go at his pace for a while. Seems like he stood by you, repay him in kind.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Firstly thank you to everyone who has replied so far 

*usmarriedguy* - yes sex is very important to him. What do you mean "his ideal situation"? The number of times we have sex or something else?

*PieceOfSky* - yes we have talked a lot outside of the bedroom. We had a long talk about three weeks ago where he told me everything he was unhappy with. Since then I would say we have talked more than normal about everything from things he used to get up to as a teenager to fantasies. As far as understanding why I was not available for years, yes I have explained it all to him (my illness produces random and frequently changing symptoms but with trial and error - over the past four years following a relapse - I have finally found the right routine which has stabilised my symptoms). What he did say the other day was that he is a bit annoyed that I have changed so suddenly so I wrote him an email in more detail explaining what has happened over the past few months.

No I haven't pushed him on his statement. Perhaps I am just scared of what he might say if I did.

My husband is not one to talk about his emotions. I had to push really hard and follow him around the house to get him to open up three weeks ago. 

I agree that I don't think it is a physical issue. I think it is an emotional or mental one because whenever he has instigated things, erm, he has always satisfied me first *blushes*. 

I appreciate your honesty and I know it has hurt him but as you say perhaps I just haven't realised how much. Rejection wasn't really verbalised in my case, more like I didn't/couldn't respond 

*zookeeper* After reading the replies I think I have just underestimated how much this has hurt him. I just pray that we can recover from it as I love him very much. Yes he has stood by me and I am more than willing to wait and go at his pace for as long as it takes. I just hope it isn't too late.

As I said I don't believe he has cheated on me - I just can't see when he could. Also, he brought up the subject with me explaining how hard it had been for the past four years and, where he might have cheated in the past with girlfriends, he wanted me to know that he had not cheated on me.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Frizz,

I suggest you look up GettingIt's threads. As I recall, she at some point had a change in interest and/or ability, and dealt with increasing awareness of what impact the disconnect had on her husband.

Last I checked, things were going well for her and her husband.

You can search for threads started by her by following the Search page link, choosing Advanced..., selecting that it return Threads, and typing her user name "GettingIt".

There are some other wives here with relevant experience, I'm sure. One thing that resonates with what you just posted is that I recall her writing about coming to realize what the impact on him had beeen.


ETA: I forgot to add, in the upper right section of the Advanced search page you have to choose something like "Find threads started by user."

Here is a good starting point into GettingIt's threads:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...et-my-husband-trust-me-again.html#post1610326


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Oh that's brilliant. Thank you so much x


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Resentment. And after a long time without, he probably stopped seeing you as a sexual person. He's turned off his lust for you to protect himself. You can't just flip a switch and get it back. Also, he's probably weighing what's on offer and trying to decide if it's worth the effort. I know I've been that way under similar circumstances. And when my wife wants a quickie or any kind of vanilla/prudish sex I just can't get excited about it.

By the way, I applaud you for trying to bring your marriage back on track.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's unrealistic to imagine that you can decide when you're not a sexual couple and you get to decide when you both will resume being a sexual couple. Two brains are involved in this relationship, not just one. He had to learn to see you as a non-sexual being or maybe even his enemy. Now, he's supposed to forget all that and function as if he hadn't been denied or you hadn't turn off emotionally for four years?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Frizz

If this happened to me now, no ML for nearly 8 years since marriage, I would be extremely suspicious, a number of question would go through my mind.

1) Why the change, OK you are no longer in pain, but surely some other form such as HJ could have happened.

2) What does she want and why, is this the build up to something else.

3) I think it would take me at least a year to reconnect to the idea of having sex at least once a week

4) I would probably leave it to my wife to initiate, so that she could prove that it was just not her feeling upset.

Hope some of these explain various things. Good luck on reigniting your sex life. Hope everything goes well.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you for your replies.

*WorkingOnMe* - Yes I think resentment is how he is feeling. I have to say though that he is giving out mixed signals. The first two weeks after our talk we were intimate a number of times (mainly instigated by him & using toys for the first time together), talked about sex quite a bit (including fantasies), talked generally more than we have done. This week however he has been quieter and has said he is a bit annoyed at the sudden change. I honestly could not do anything about it before now. If I could have I would have. I can't explain why my symptoms have shifted so dramatically - I am just as puzzled as he is.

Thank you for the applause ;-). I am prepared to do everything it takes to (a) make my husband happy and (b) get our marriage back on track.

*unbelievable* - That is a very fair point though I have to say I didn't exactly decide that we would not be a sexual couple. It wasn't something I wanted it was just when I had a major relapse I experienced severe symptoms that I hadn't had before (such as vertigo, extreme sensitivity to both light and noise, severe joint pain, a constant pressure on my stem cell area, etc, all,at the same time) and quite honestly it scared me silly. I had no confidence that my symptoms were stable enough not to have another relapse and I also didn't know what damage the relapse had(has) done to my body.

His feelings matter a great deal to me and of course he is going to be resentful and hurt. I know it is aimed at me but I also hope he understands that this was out of my control.

*jacko jacko* - in answer to your points:-

1) The change is down to me finally finding a way to manage my symptoms. There is no known cure for my illness nor do I get any medical support. The symptoms randomly change (there are over 64) and I didn't say I wasn't in pain any more. I am. It's just for the first time, in a long time, pain medication is working. We were intimate some times but not regularly and you need to understand the condition to understand that, although I tried to give him HJ's, I couldn't do it for very long at all so he would take over.

2) I don't want anything other than to get my marriage back on track - which is actually what I promised him I would focus on once I got my symptoms under control. I love my husband very much.

3) I am prepared to wait as long as it long as he needs

4) I have no problem with that.

Thank you for the good luck comment.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Please read this link - Rebuilding His Trust - The Forgiven Wife It is a blog written by a woman for women that withheld intimacy from their husbands.

When my wife started to be willing to have sex, I was surprised by how it made me angry. I still am working on figuring out all the reasons why.

The author of the blog hits some important points. Please read it & understand that your husband may be worried the positive changes may end, he may be trying to rebuild his trust in you.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

*FrazzledSadHusband* Thank you so much for the link. I will definitely read it x

We actually went on a night out tonight to a comedy club (we haven't been out together for a long time) and throughout the night he kept asking how my head was (due to the pressure I suffered), was the music effecting me, etc, so yes he could be doubting that the positive changes won't last. I won't lie and say they are absolutely here to stay because my condition is a ***** but I am certainly aiming to keep them this way for as long as I possibly can.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

I should have asked you to have your husband read it too!!

The article helped me, then I sent it to my wife & asked her to give me a little time.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"What do you mean "his ideal situation"? The number of times we have sex or something else?" 

I mean you as his spouse should know what he wants if he could have anything he wanted without being judged. If you do not know it means you two do not talk enough and probably do not really know each other very well.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frizz,

You need to rebuild trust. 

You also need to accept something. You've now established a precedent in your marriage. 

I read a story about a sexless couple. They were both 56 when the H started suffering from mild ED. He totally shut down their sex life. 

His wife, who was still fit attractive and young looking, wanted him to get a prescription for viagra or Cialis. 

This is what he said: When we were younger and I wanted to have sex, you often didn't want to be bothered. It's no longer a priority to me, so that part of our marriage is over now. 

I don't think he was being vindictive. It seems that he felt for most of the marriage his wife had the 'common' low desire mindset which is: If I'm not in the mood, we aren't having sex. 

And he was simply applying their 'rules of engagement' which were that the LD spouse has total say over the marital sex life. 

I'll contrast my view which is totally different. My wife was great about having sex frequently because it was important to me. 

I don't now and won't in future reject her. She deserves the same selfless treatment she has shown me. 







Frizz said:


> Hi
> 
> Due to my ill health my husband and I have hardly had sex in four years - partly due to he pain I was in but also because all my positive/sexual emotions switched off. Things have changed for me dramatically over the past few months and, after a long talk with my husband, I realised that I have neglected him and our marriage.
> 
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Frizz
Its very good that you want to fix this, and I think you can.

If you you really were physically unable to have any form of sex with him, then NONE of the following applies. He should be overjoyed that you have recovered. But if you avoided sexual activity even when you were physically able then:

For many years my wife wanted almost no sex at all. I don't think I was ever able to get across to her how much this hurt me - I was depressed, resentful etc. I felt trapped by my marriage vows to someone who despite any words she said, didn't care at all about my misery.

I felt my love turning into hatred of this woman who used my love and my sacred oaths to bind me. So I turned off my sexual interest. I convinced myself that she was a sister, not a lover. Someone I loved, as a friend, and family member, but not in a sexual way. It as was difficult, my attraction for her was so strong - but I managed it. 

A few years ago she suddenly became willing to try to improve our sex lives. It took a while for me to undo my self-programming, to recognize her as a lover again, rather than a sister. 


Be consistent, he may well come around again when he realizes that you really want to change things .


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Again thank you so much for your replies 

*FrazzledSadHusband* - I have read the article and I am now trying to find something similar which does not talk about withholding because of punishment or referring to thinking of the woman as a sister because I have found with my husband that if you don't explain things in certain ways or if you kind of plant words, he then ends up believing them (if that makes sense?). So if I am able to find one referring to illness and protecting his emotions it would be better. If not then, yes, I will forward it to him for him to read.

*usmarriedguy* - yes we have discussed what he would like (no holds barred) without him being judged.

*MEM11363* - This is most definitely the thing that has been mentioned several times and a subject I am trying to read as much as I can about. I know I have been too focused on trying to stabilise my condition and I know I have neglected not only him but our marriage. I have apologised profusely to him (not that it is a quick fix or anything - just so he knows I take full responsibility for the situation we now find ourselves in).

*RichardSharpe* - Good morning . I soooo want to fix this and I do hope you are right that I can. I clearly have a lot to learn and work to do but I am not afraid of that. I am more afraid of losing him. It really was a physical and lack of emotion (due to my illness) that stopped me being intimate with my husband. I think part of the problem has been that my husband never communicated how he was feeling with me until very recently. In fact he would not have even done that if I hadn't pushed him a lot to do so.

The more advice and articles I read the more I am convinced that he has put up a wall to protect himself from getting hurt (understandable) and that he is also angry at the illness for what it has prevented him from doing. I have lost all of my 30's due to this illness and last night he referred to that saying "I have lost all of my 40's".

The other reason why I think the above is that yesterday he was painting the bathroom in the nude smthumbup because he was really hot in there. He called me up to the bathroom to take a look. Anyway as I was leaving the bathroom he grabbed my wrist and said "you don't have to leave" and we became intimate though he couldn't finish. Surely if there was a physical problem with the way he felt about me he wouldn't be initiating anything??


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Time and patience. Communication, communication, communication. It is a process as well. He has to learn to see you in a different light. He is reprogramming his brain after all. He has associated you with rejection, pain, and unmet needs.

Perhaps masturbating in front of him, or have you slowly masturbate him, so your more associated with pleasure.

What are his emotional needs, other than sex that helps him stay connected to you? How did you build your bond when you were dating? Keep dating him, and take the initiative on that. Do what you can handle, something you both can enjoy. Be his girlfriend as well. Make out in a parking lot, pet each other when private, make the relationship fun.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Frizz said:


> Hi
> 
> Due to my ill health my husband and I have hardly had sex in four years - partly due to he pain I was in but also because all my positive/sexual emotions switched off. Things have changed for me dramatically over the past few months and, after a long talk with my husband, I realised that I have neglected him and our marriage.
> 
> ...



Your ill health wasn't your fault and I'm sorry you had to endure this.

You must realize that most guys are very sexual and need sex. For him not having sex with you for 4 years is an extremely long time.

4 years of no sex would mean you're more friends and room mates at this point.

There will be a good possibility he doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and has given up. 4 years of no sex might as well be forever.

If Mrs.CuddleBug lost interest in sex for 4 years, I would of given up a long time ago and don't want sex with her anymore and we would of been divorced or I would of been seeing another woman.

Could you of handled no emotional closeness and support for 4 years from your hubby? Then all of a sudden he starts being emotional and close to you. I doubt you would be all excited and happy. You would of switched off 4 years ago and might even be seeing another man.

I read another post of a married women who lost her interest in sex with her hubby for 10 years......she then suddenly realized that the sex wasn't there and started getting her sex drive back. She saw nothing wrong doing this to her hubby for 10 years. Of course the hubby checked out long ago and gave up. Then she was surprised and shocked how could he do that to her????

All I can suggest is all the effort is now on you. Sex should be almost all the time now for the next 4 years. That means sex almost every day for the next 4 years to really get him back. It might take less time than that or it might be too late.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Frizz
Keep it up. Make sure that he knows that you desire him and that you will keep desiring him. Be sure to initiate a lot. 

In a month I bet things will be all better.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I would ask you to consider how much your illness impacted your sex life vs. the other aspects of your life.

Personally, had my ex been debilitated by an illness I would understand completely. But if she had said she was too sick for sex yet managed to have lunch with the girls, go to the mall, etc. I would be pissed.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

*Mr.Fisty* - This is more research I have planned as, quite honestly, I have forgotten how to be a woman only a sick person 

*Cuddlebug* - if you read other posts I have made in this thread you will see that he is also instigating intimacy. I also said "hardly" any sex. And as far as having sex with him almost all the time - really?! We didn't have sex that often in my 20's and his 30's!!!!! I have every intention of making a lot of effort to show him that this improvement in my illness is not a fluke.

*RichardSharpe* - Hello again . Thank you so much for your positive comments. I am making a huge effort in a number of areas of my life to improve me and us. Yes, I will initiate frequently though he has already asked me not to "try so hard".

*DTO* - That is exactly what I have done . I lost who I was as a person to my illness. It consumed me. Even though I have improved considerably over the past few months I am basically home 24/7. When I do go out it is to visit my Mum & Dad or, for example, go to the post office. I'm lucky if I leave the village once a week.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When you're young, in your prime, 20's and 30's for example, you should be having as much sex as possible and almost every day is not crazy. Having sex 1x week or less is crazy. That's a low sex drive.

If you didn't have a lot of sex in your 20's and 30's, was that because you are more LD? 

Or would it have been much more if you took care of your hubby's needs?

Now very little sex for 4 years isn't a short period of time or a drop in the bucket. Very little sex for 4 years is just that. 4 years!!!

Like I said, don't be surprised if he's given up.

Men are physical, visual and sexual. If we get little to no sex for that long, I know I wouldn't want it anymore. I would of given up and checked out to be honest.

I'm sure there's some resentment on his part.

You can't just sweep 4 years under the rug.

When you're married, you are to take care of each others needs as your own. Through the good times and bad, you find ways to take care of each others needs as your own.

What would happen, if your hubby was on medication, lost his emotional closeness and support for you, for 4 years? Then all of a sudden he's into you again? That's 4 years of resentment you would have and you probably gave up.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Neither of us have a HD so not it would not have been much more (probably a few times a week). 

With all due respect, if I thought he had given up then I wouldn't be asking for advice on how to improve things in my marriage? As I said he has been initiating intimacy with me and we have talked a lot. Also, for the record, when we first got together 14 years ago I made it very clear that if he cheated on me that would be it - no second chances (I won't go into details as to why if you don't mind). If he didn't want to work at the marriage and had "given up", telling me or letting me find out he had cheated would be the easiest and quickest way to end our marriage.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So your hubby is not HD then?

Was he more HD in the beginning and now not so much?

Is that the impression he gives you?

A lot of guys who were HD in the beginning did give up over the many years and their wifee's think they're not as sexual and everything is okay.

I'm just trying to give a HD guy's perspective.

Whether its 4 years, 10 years, etc., that's time you aren't getting back and could of enjoyed each others company more.


Your hubby loves you and is still with you but maybe more as a good friend and room mate now.

When I say he might of checked out, I don't mean he doesn't love you. He does love you. But he may no longer want sex with you or found other means.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

No he's not and never has been.

Yes I realise that and I can't keep repeating that because of my illness I literally could not do anything about it. I wasn't withholding sex to punish him or because I could or out to hurt him. And I know four years is a long time. I am angry about lost time too. But as I explained in an earlier post, the severity of my relapse just made this, and a lot of other things, impossible. I have been trying for the last four years to stabilise my symptoms. I have no medical support and because every person with the condition suffers differently, it really is trial and error to find what works. I promised him that once it stabilised I would work on improving things in other areas, inc sex, and I am now honouring that promise.

I can't answer how he sees me now.

Oh yes I knew exactly what you meant. However, he does not go out with friends, have a hobby, regularly work late or disappear when going out for something so I really don't see how he could have found other means - which I am assuming you mean an affair or perhaps paying for sex? FYI I have never stopped him from going out or having a hobby. He always says he would rather do things with me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

It sounds like just give him some time then. 

My wifee and I both took the 5 love languages quiz and then compared our results afterwards. It helps us a lot. Maybe it will help you and hubby too?

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Frizz,
Your doing great. And I REALLY like that you are listening to him - to his comment about not trying so hard. 

Part of the reason he said that is because this change, while very welcome, is a bit of a shock to his system. He was asking for some time to adjust to the 'new and happier normal'. 

As far as his difficulty finishing goes, a soft touch is best. 

This is what I ocassionally ask M2 when she's in a slump and frequently not reaching the finish line.

Is there anything I can do different, more of, or less of to make this better for you?

There is zero anxiety in my voice when I ask that. It's just me being a considerate partner. And I do NOT ask frequently. She's fully fluent in English and is not shy - so me asking that is mostly me acknowledging that things are a bit one sided. 

And FWIW her response is always the same: Sometimes I can, and sometimes I can't. It is definitely not your fault. 

As long as he keeps initiating - that means overall - it's a good experience for him. 

And now then - I can't finish either. Part of being in my 50's I guess....




Frizz said:


> *Mr.Fisty* - This is more research I have planned as, quite honestly, I have forgotten how to be a woman only a sick person
> 
> *Cuddlebug* - if you read other posts I have made in this thread you will see that he is also instigating intimacy. I also said "hardly" any sex. And as far as having sex with him almost all the time - really?! We didn't have sex that often in my 20's and his 30's!!!!! I have every intention of making a lot of effort to show him that this improvement in my illness is not a fluke.
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I have not read through this entire thread, but I did read the original post. Generally a man wants his woman to be filled with a "carnal desire" to have sex along with anticipating that you will get a sexual release with an orgasm. If he perceives that you are in pain and subjecting yourself to more pain in order to allow him to pleasure you, most men would opt to make sure that they can indeed pleasure you and refrain from hurting you. 

Perhaps he needs time to make sure you are warmed up to sincerely reconnect with him sexually and not pushing yourself just to let him be selfish.

Hope that helps...


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

hi Frizz,

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said, but I do want to say you're doing the right thing in coming here and I think it's great that you're making the effort. You're being a great wife and I hope it works out for you.

I would like to say one thing, kind of a pet peeve of mine so I couldn't let it go : please don't pay too much attention to those who say "men want it all the time so if yours doesn't he's cheating/sick/secretly gay/trying to control you". Men are people, and all people are different. I'm living proof that some healthy, not-too-old straight men have little to no sex drive, for better or worse. That said, you know your husband better than I do.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Frizz said:


> Also even if he takes over from masterbating (himself) he can't always come and seems frustrated.





Frizz said:


> Anyway as I was leaving the bathroom he grabbed my wrist and said "you don't have to leave" and we became intimate though he couldn't finish.


If he's not finishing, it might be that he's used to masturbating, so having sex with you does not feel the same and doesn't work as well. He's used to his own grip and rhythm, so he's not getting that with your vagina. And he's probably used porn/fantasy to get off, so the "erotic" part isn't happening either...his brain isn't quite turned on enough. 

Time will help with that, as well as finding your sexy groove. A flirty wife is a sexy wife - compliment him, flirt with him, notice when he's looking good and tell him, do some dancing and appreciative groping...you can do it! 

As everyone else has said, he's probably resentful even though the only reason you weren't having much sex was due to your illness. It's ok for him to resent what your illness has taken from you as a couple, but it's not ok for him to resent you for being sick and unable to have sex or much of anything else in your life, either. Marriage counseling might help you both get through that part of it.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Thank you so much for all the positive comments - I am very grateful. It is really helping with my confidence and mindset about this.

I just really want to clarify one thing that has been mentioned in the last few posts. When I said he can't finish - it has also included him masterbating himself. I asked him if he always came when he was by himself playing and he said no. This is why I do believe that either he has a mental/emotional block right now or that perhaps his meds for his high blood pressure are affecting him? It is something we need to work on.

Also, as people have mentioned, he has said that it will take time and I am more than happy to go at his pace.

One thing he has said as well recently in relation to my illness is that he "didn't realise it would be so hard". I didn't either. I'm hoping now that things are more settled the pressure he must have been feeling will lift and not drag him down anymore.


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

Oh and I have ordered the book The Five Love Languages which was recommended


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Frizz said:


> When I said he can't finish - it has also included him masterbating himself. I asked him if he always came when he was by himself playing and he said no. This is why I do believe that either he has a mental/emotional block right now or that perhaps his meds for his high blood pressure are affecting him? It is something we need to work on.


Have you Googled his medications, or checked the package insert to see what the side effects are of his medication? Have you looked into high blood pressure to see what the effects are on a person? Look into that and see if it might be contributing to his problems finishing. Don't make it a big deal with him; just do some research so you are more informed what you are dealing with as far as his health is concerned.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Just as simple as sex is, it is also just as complicated. He has had to reprogram his mind during the time that you were ill. Much has to be controlled for a man not to have sex for long periods of time. It is a gargantuan effort. Switching back will take a long period of time to be able to open up himself. Take it slow and in time, he will be fine.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Does he take an anti-depressant? The first one I ever took, Effexor, had that effect on me almost from the day I started taking it. Others I have tried have not had that effect, or not as severe anyways. (I was surprised in recent times to here my wife say one of the problems she had with having sex with me (back when we used to) was that something changed I started to take too long to finish. I'm not sure when that became an issue, or if it was gradual, but I suppose other/subsequent meds might have contributed to that.)

There are several different type of meds to treat high blood pressure, and many choices within each type. Assuming his blood pressure is kept in a normal range, then I'd guess any affect would stem from the medications and not symptoms of (uncontrolled/ignored/untreated) hypertension. The good news if it is a med, maybe there are alternatives that wouldn't have that effect on him.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Frizz said:


> Oh and I have ordered the book The Five Love Languages which was recommended


There is an on-line test on the author's website.

Even my wife found that interesting when we took it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I agree with Nora--see if he's interested in some marriage counseling.

I suspect he's got a sack full of angry cats in his head right now and probably doesn't know how to deal with it. You said he's never been one to express his emotions, so I'm betting he's just got all kinds of poison bottled up.

He knows that your illness is at the heart of this. He knows he can't blame you for that. He also knows the pain HE's been in. He's trying to sort through the hope you've suddenly given him coupled with the lingering emotional pain and resentment. It's not easy.

I think that's why you saw a strong reaction at first, followed by a gradual pull-back. He WANTS to believe, but he's afraid.

Giving him time MAY work, but I think if you can get him into counseling and he gives it an honest try it will maybe help him put things in perspective so you both can move forward.

He needs your empathy more than anything right now.

My 2 cents.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Frizz
Most sexual problems for men are the result of stress. Try to have both of you now worry about this and it may just get better. If it doesn't after a month or so of low-stress, then maybe it is his meds or some physical problem.



Frizz said:


> I just really want to clarify one thing that has been mentioned in the last few posts. When I said he can't finish - it has also included him masterbating himself. I asked him if he always came when he was by himself playing and he said no. This is why I do believe that either he has a mental/emotional block right now or that perhaps his meds for his high blood pressure are affecting him? It is something we need to work on.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

Frizz said:


> I just really want to clarify one thing that has been mentioned in the last few posts. When I said he can't finish - it has also included him masterbating himself. I asked him if he always came when he was by himself playing and he said no. This is why I do believe that either he has a mental/emotional block right now or that perhaps his meds for his high blood pressure are affecting him? It is something we need to work on.


You need to get that man to a doctor. Inability to get release even when you are rubbing one out and there is not limit to your fantasy can mean that there is something wrong physically. If he has circulatory problems its adds to the need of seeing a doctor.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I would NOT like this beng done to me. 

I don't like a package grab with no warm up. 

If M2 did that:
- I'd say - glad you want me - here's a few good ways to fire me up. That way - isn't good for me. I would have sex that one time.
- If she did it again.
- I'd say: we are not having sex today - I told you I don't like that.
Do NOT do that again.

Not every guy likes his package being grabbed out of the blue. If a guy says he dislikes it, believe him. 

As for getting me going: 
- M2 can kiss me for a few minutes and then massage my hand and get me rock hard
- Same thing with a foot massage

Maybe she read some book on acupressure points. Not sure. 






foolscotton3 said:


> Grabbing his package while he walks by, and staring him right in the eyes, yeah, that should do it...
> 
> If he acts like he isn't into that, he's just being a jerk, keep doing it.
> 
> ...


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## Frizz (Apr 1, 2015)

*norajane* - I checked the patient information sheet that comes with the medication which did not list ejaculation problems as being an issue. However, I have done some research today and have found several websites that are reporting this as being a common problem so I will let my H know. The week after we had a long talk he checked his blood pressure and it was the lowest it has been for a long time.

*UMP* - Thank you 

*PieceOfSky* - No he doesn't take antidepressants. Re: blood pressure meds - it certainly could be part or not the problem (see above  )

*Fozzy* - Marriage counselling is a big no no with him. He thinks it is a waste of time. He is a very private person and he is the sort who prefers to research and form his own opinions.

*RichardSharpe* - I think you are right. I think at the moment he is angry for the years he has also lost to this illness. Turning 50 has not helped one bit but I am hoping with time, effort from me to prove it is not just a blip and, if he feels his meds may be responsible, getting that sorted as well will give us a positive outcome 

*BrutalHonesty* - Now you have said that it has also triggered the fact that when once he was always warm he now feels the cold (which he knows is down to his meds).

*MEM11363* - Duly noted


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