# How much time out of the home is reasonable?



## West Coast Boy (Feb 25, 2017)

Hi, Over the past few days I have been reading so many challenges on here and mine seems so small in comparison, however if you have a thought to share it will surely help...

My wife and I have been married for 17 years, nearly all happy days with a challenge here and there. We live well together; she stays at home with our children and I work nearby. She does the laundry and cares for our children, and I cook, clean, and provide our living. We sleep in the same bed, and we still love to date one another. It all seems so great, however over the past several months she seems to leave the house for hours on end with no return time in mind. I ask when she plans to be home, however I receive resistance and in some cases, the accusation of it being controlling of me to ask her that. She has missed dinner, tuck in time with our kids, and frankly I don't care for this too much. Lately is has been one or two evenings a week and near every Saturday or Sunday. We try to talk about the subject, but no go. She feels she should be able to go without telling me anything about her time away and the time to be home open ended. I prefer a bit more of an idea as to where she will be and when she will be home. So what do you all think? Please provide your feedback. 

With Many Thanks!


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

West Coast Boy said:


> Hi, Over the past few days I have been reading so many challenges on here and mine seems so small in comparison, however if you have a thought to share it will surely help...
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 17 years, nearly all happy days with a challenge here and there. We live well together; she stays at home with our children and I work nearby. She does the laundry and cares for our children, and I cook, clean, and provide our living. We sleep in the same bed, and we still love to date one another. It all seems so great, however over the past several months she seems to leave the house for hours on end with no return time in mind. I ask when she plans to be home, however I receive resistance and in some cases, the accusation of it being controlling of me to ask her that. She has missed dinner, tuck in time with our kids, and frankly I don't care for this too much. Lately is has been one or two evenings a week and near every Saturday or Sunday. We try to talk about the subject, but no go. She feels she should be able to go without telling me anything about her time away and the time to be home open ended. I prefer a bit more of an idea as to where she will be and when she will be home. So what do you all think? Please provide your feedback.
> 
> With Many Thanks!


its real simple...she doesn't want you to know what she is up to. PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE WORST.

that being said, keep your mouth SHUT, and begin to figure out what she is up to.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Well, people do need their personal time, but it is worrisome that she won't tell you where she's going, what she's doing, or when she'll be back, as is the fact that she gets defensive when you ask. There shouldn't be secrets in a marriage, but she's keeping something from you.

Has she been overly protective of her phone lately?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What are your ages?

Yes, she deserves some time away from home.
No, she should not keep her whereabouts a secret. If she ran into a problem, you need to know were to look for her.

Maybe you should do the same to her on other days. Disappear for hours at a time. Answer none of her questions. I would do this a couple of times to make your point.
She may not ask anything about your whereabouts. That would be revealing.

You need to put a VAR and a GPS in her car. If she has an I-Phone, you can use the "Find my Phone" app. to track her. GPS is better and cannot be defeated.

Check all her communications, her phone, her computers. Check the phone bill for repeat calls to an unknown person.

She may not be cheating with a man or a women, but she is cheating you out of family time....and cheating you out of peace of mind. Any decent husband would be worried sick about this sudden behavior.

Look up weight lifters Red Flag post about the things that you should be looking for.

Something is not right. Not right, left, forward, backward..........but, definitely askew.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Wow. At first I thought this was just about return time, but you imply she doesn't tell you where she is going. 

So in other words she often disappears for hours without telling you were she is.

Totally unacceptable. 

There are only three things I think she could be doing to explain this. Getting drugs, getting alcohol or getting sex. Or all three. 

WCB, 95% of the people here will tell you she is cheating. 

Start acting like she is until you eliminate that. 

What puzzles me is that you seem more concerned about the return time than about WHERE she is.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

West Coast Boy said:


> Hi, Over the past few days I have been reading so many challenges on here and mine seems so small in comparison, however if you have a thought to share it will surely help...
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 17 years, nearly all happy days with a challenge here and there. We live well together; she stays at home with our children and I work nearby. She does the laundry and cares for our children, and I cook, clean, and provide our living. We sleep in the same bed, and we still love to date one another. It all seems so great, however over the past several months she seems to leave the house for hours on end with no return time in mind. I ask when she plans to be home, however I receive resistance and in some cases, the accusation of it being controlling of me to ask her that. She has missed dinner, tuck in time with our kids, and frankly I don't care for this too much. Lately is has been one or two evenings a week and near every Saturday or Sunday. We try to talk about the subject, but no go. She feels she should be able to go without telling me anything about her time away and the time to be home open ended. I prefer a bit more of an idea as to where she will be and when she will be home. So what do you all think? Please provide your feedback.
> 
> With Many Thanks!


Have you met her boyfriend yet?


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## West Coast Boy (Feb 25, 2017)

Thank you for the response. I feel the want to clarify... As I placed more emphasis on the return time rather than the activities or whereabouts, as she typically does tell me he she is going as least initially, it is the lack of commitment to a return time and the length of time typical activities would take vs. when she returns. One would typically conclude there is more to this story, so while the responses are not what one would want to hear, these are not out of the range of possibilities nor am I unprepared for such a truth. It would be unfortunate given our three children and the strong family we have built, however people do make poor choices. While this is a viable possibility, I am hopeful for her character and for all of us that this is not the case. 

All this said, I am no fool. Many years ago she came to me in here bear feet and confessed a prior sin. As I could see Godly sorrow in her heart, I forgave her on the spot. Forgave, however unfortunately not forgotten.

As to the question about the phone, this has always been the case. She has a hard time with privacy vs. secrecy.


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## West Coast Boy (Feb 25, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> What are your ages?
> 
> Yes, she deserves some time away from home.
> No, she should not keep her whereabouts a secret. If she ran into a problem, you need to know were to look for her.
> ...


We are me, mid 40's and her, late 30's. 

While the Tit for Tat type behavior you suggest sounds fun, I wish to maintain my good character.

The cheating us out of family time and our couple time is what hurts so much. 

Appreciate your thoughts...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

West Coast Boy said:


> We are me, mid 40's and her, late 30's.
> 
> While the Tit for Tat type behavior you suggest sounds fun, I wish to maintain my good character.
> 
> ...


You behaving in kind two or three times is not 'bad character'. Sometimes a person has to experience what you are putting someone else through to see their own behavior through the eyes of the other person.

She might learn from you behaving as she does.

In order to answer how much out-of-home time is reasonable, it would be good to know about how many hours a week you and she spend together in quality time, just the two of you doing things that you both enjoy? What sorts of things do you two do together?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Where does she says she is going? What did she confess to before? Was it an affair?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

West Coast Boy said:


> All this said, I am no fool. Many years ago she came to me in here bear feet and confessed a prior sin. As I could see Godly sorrow in her heart, I forgave her on the spot. Forgave, however unfortunately not forgotten.
> 
> As to the question about the phone, this has always been the case. She has a hard time with privacy vs. secrecy.


Whoa! Please clarify OP. We need to know what this prior sin is to have a good picture. The better the picture you give us the more comprehensive the advice. What is the prior sin?


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## West Coast Boy (Feb 25, 2017)

To all who asked, yes sex with a prior boy friend, just after we were married, He is who she was with before we began dating and were married. 

We go out together once a month and usually spend from 9:00 on together at home each night, however she is often distracted by her phone. Also, she is whining nursing our two year old so that too takes away from out time, however he too is a priority.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

West Coast Boy said:


> To all who asked, yes sex with a prior boy friend, just after we were married, He is who she was with before we began dating and were married.
> 
> We go out together once a month and usually spend from 9:00 on together at home each night, however she is often distracted by her phone. Also, she is whining nursing our two year old so that too takes away from out time, however he too is a priority.


Dr. Harley (Marriage Builders) says that a couple needs to spend a MINIMUM of 15 hours a week in quality time together. Quality time means doing things where you are concentrating on each other with no kids, no friends, etc. around. 

That's usually 1-2 hours every night and the rest in dates on Saturday and Sunday. It does not sound like the two of you get anywhere near enough time to maintain a healthy relationship.

While she might be having an affair, she might not. I think it would be wise of you to find out what she is doing. It is completely disrespectful of her to go out like that and not tell you what she is doing and when she will be back. 

You would benefit from reading the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her needs". After you read the books and do the work that they say to do get her to read them with you and do the work.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. You're here for a reason and that's a quick check just to be sure nothing is amiss.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So she has something or someone who is SO important to her that she sometimes misses her children's bed time?

That is very serious. And you should be prepared for any eventuality.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Another SAHM with extracurricular activities. So sad.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

West Coast Boy said:


> To all who asked, yes sex with a prior boy friend, just after we were married, He is who she was with before we began dating and were married.
> 
> We go out together once a month and usually spend from 9:00 on together at home each night, however she is often distracted by her phone. Also, she is whining nursing our two year old so that too takes away from out time, however he too is a priority.


In your place I would be very concerned. She has already cheated and why does she need to be so secretive of her phone if she isn't doing anything wrong?
To be out 2 evenings a week and all day Saturday or Sunday is over the top when you have a husband and small child at home. 
I am afraid that you will need to do some investigating, she may well have someone else, otherwise what is she doing all that time.


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## West Coast Boy (Feb 25, 2017)

Again thank you to all who shared their thoughts. While I do not deny she may be having an affair, I am also attempting to find an acceptable balance to how much time away from home is realistic and if or not we should know where one another is. I share all of my activities, she very little and frankly it often seems to be suspect. Nonetheless, it feels mutual here that it is too much. I asked her if she was seeing someone, in fact I asked her to not hurt the children or I by withholding such information, and she indicates she hasn't and won't. She is mostly loving when we are together and we have a lot of fun together. For me, I would rather hurt now than hurt later if she is having a relationship elsewhere, or if she plans to exit.

His Needs, Her Needs, ordered and going to do the work on this one.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, your house is burning down around you.

Yet there you stand, amongst the smoke and burning furniture, trying to develop the standards for an escape plan.

Put the fire out first. Worry about the escape plan after you rebuild your home.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

West Coast Boy said:


> Again thank you to all who shared their thoughts. While I do not deny she may be having an affair, I am also attempting to find an acceptable balance to how much time away from home is realistic and if or not we should know where one another is. I share all of my activities, she very little and frankly it often seems to be suspect. Nonetheless, it feels mutual here that it is too much. I asked her if she was seeing someone, in fact I asked her to not hurt the children or I by withholding such information, and she indicates she hasn't and won't. She is mostly loving when we are together and we have a lot of fun together. For me, I would rather hurt now than hurt later if she is having a relationship elsewhere, or if she plans to exit.
> 
> His Needs, Her Needs, ordered and going to do the work on this one.


She is going out 2 evenings a week and one day every weekend and refuses to tell you where she is going or when she will be back???? Cant you see how wrong this is? How suspicious??? If its innocent then why does she need to lie???
Sorry but you are deluding yourself. There are many things you can do to find out where she goes, but maybe you are afraid to find out. 

Where does she say she is going when you ask her?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

you have been given a very good answer to that direct question, but I'm going to put it in one very specific paragraph so you can not miss it.

If you are having enough Quality time with your spouse and With your family, then any other time you spend away on your addiction, hobby, education, interest etc. is Reasonable. So if your children are missing you, if your spouse is complaining, or detaching, then the Amount of time you are spending away is Not reasonable. There is not a specific number, There is a Balance. 

For example I volunteer with Scouting. I'm away one evening every week at least. I sometimes don't know when I will get home. I often am away overnight on a weekend. Sometimes I am gone for a week. Some of the places I go do not have Cell service. That is a similar amount of time away to your situation. But my Children are Adults and don't want me to worry about their tuck ins. I am very Safety minded and My Wife always Knows where I am. As far as frustration and detachment, I'm more frustrated with her at home reading time than she is with my away from home camping time, so I'm on the plus side. We don't get 15 hours QT per week, but we do get more time than She wants. 

Your wife's symptoms look a lot like an addict of some sort. The Secrecy, the Accusations, The consistency of getting away. The trouble is that if she was very frustrated with home life and climbing the walls and just needing time away to cool off, it would look exactly the same. 

The best advice you have been given is to stop asking her where and when she is going and find out by other means. This is your safety, The safety of family assets, and your child's future. You have enough reason to need to know. 
Edit: Oh also get an STD test on yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

West Coast Boy said:


> Again thank you to all who shared their thoughts. While I do not deny she may be having an affair, I am also attempting to find an acceptable balance to how much time away from home is realistic and if or not we should know where one another is. I share all of my activities, she very little and frankly it often seems to be suspect. Nonetheless, it feels mutual here that it is too much. I asked her if she was seeing someone, in fact I asked her to not hurt the children or I by withholding such information, and she indicates she hasn't and won't. She is mostly loving when we are together and we have a lot of fun together. For me, I would rather hurt now than hurt later if she is having a relationship elsewhere, or if she plans to exit.
> 
> His Needs, Her Needs, ordered and going to do the work on this one.


Make sure that you get "Love Busters" too. The two books are companion books. The idea is that first you read "Love Busters", identify them and you both stop doing the things that are "busting" your love. You know, like your wife doing the things that she is doing. The book will give you words to use when talking to her. Plus, when she reads the book it is going to make it clear to her that what she is doing is wrong. Sure, she needs time to unwind outside the home. But she's taking too much time for that and not giving you enough of her time to maintain the marriage.

Then, once the love busting stops you two start rebuilding your marriage.

In situations like yours, I always suggest that you (the person posting here who wants to fix things) reads the two books first. That is because you are going to learn a lot from the books. They will give you the language you need to talk to her. After that you read/work through the books with her.

So you need both books.


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## West Coast Boy (Feb 25, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> you have been given a very good answer to that direct question, but I'm going to put it in one very specific paragraph so you can not miss it.
> 
> If you are having enough Quality time with your spouse and With your family, then any other time you spend away on your addiction, hobby, education, interest etc. is Reasonable. So if your children are missing you, if your spouse is complaining, or detaching, then the Amount of time you are spending away is Not reasonable. There is not a specific number, There is a Balance.
> 
> ...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

West Coast Boy said:


> Again thank you to all who shared their thoughts. While I do not deny she may be having an affair, I am also attempting to find an acceptable balance to how much time away from home is realistic and if or not we should know where one another is. I share all of my activities, she very little and frankly it often seems to be suspect. Nonetheless, it feels mutual here that it is too much. I asked her if she was seeing someone, in fact I asked her to not hurt the children or I by withholding such information, and she indicates she hasn't and won't. She is mostly loving when we are together and we have a lot of fun together. For me, I would rather hurt now than hurt later if she is having a relationship elsewhere, or if she plans to exit.
> 
> His Needs, Her Needs, ordered and going to do the work on this one.


Maybe also, buy* No More Mr. Nice Guy*.

You are 'yet' another Nice Guy......On TAM, that is a ding. At 'your' home it is a big dent. A dent in your relationship.

Your wife is working this dent.....Slamming her displeasure into it.

She may soon break though the mettle of your marriage. Once her disquiet punctures your trusting, kind skin, inflammation of temper will ensue.

The infection will progress to Sepsis. It will take over the whole marriage. It will end.....your marriage, a thrashing death.

*She IS UNHAPPY!! Find out why!*

I hope against hope that she has not shared her love and her flesh with an interloper. If she has, it would be a rare day in Wonderland for her to admit it.


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