# Help! My husband never talks about stuff and leaves me to guess all the time.



## Bobo25 (Sep 30, 2013)

HI had a horrible weekend. DH has been looking a little miserable recently and have tried to ask him why and he said he is OK. He is not wanting to get out of bed (despite being in it for 11 hours, and still says he is tired). I am concerned. 

In 9 years only once when he was off sick has he suggested a date (we have kids), I said a few years ago, it would be nice if he organised something but never did. I always organised sitter, and began to think he just didn't want to. I cant be the one all the time organising stuff.

He is not very good on computers, and really want him to get some understanding. Have tried to source him books etc and basic courses, but no take up. Then he moans I do all the stuff which I am not very happy with (I can't win), most things you need the internet for.

He is a good dad, but I think he thinks that is enough to keep the marriage alive. I have said to hime a number of times it is important we talk and not just do what the kids do all the time,...otherwise when the kids leave we wont have anything in common...seems to fall on deaf ears.

There is a 8 year age gap...and he said he is too tired half the time to do anything in the evening. my typical weekday

He leaves the house at 7 and I do school run, and get to work at 9.30. Work till 5,m then I rush to pick the kids up from after school care. Get home with kids at 5.45. Cook tea as kids get changed....sit with them and do something with kids till we have tea at 6.30. We all eat tea together, as DH gets through the door at 6.30pm. We then do homework etc go and play in garden and then he often does bedtime stuff with them (they are 8 and 6). He does make the sandwiches. SO he does do a lot of stuff in the evening. Then we just watch telly. I have tried to request doing stuff together but he says he is too tired (he does do a manual job). He also tends to be incharge of the dishwasher.

At the weekend, it is always a question what the kids want to do. For a number of weeks I had been thinking we wouold be going to a scarecrow day at a local village, but then on the day he asked the kids and they didn't want to, so we didnt go...but I could go by myself if I wanted. I lovely sunny autumn day we couold have done something they woiud have enjoyed, but I was not even given a option to discuss it before he had made the decision. Quite a common theme discussing stuff with the kids and making a decision without speaking to me. 

Despite what he does in the evening and the bins, everything else is up to me. If I want something doing I have ask....which I hate. I try and leave stuff but it never gets done, then I become all resentful. I however do homework etc with the kids.

Yesterday I wanted to speak...and I said I was fed up and wanted to speak and he went to unload we dishwasher and asked if I wanted a cuppa. Then the day went from bad to worse. I went to have a shower...all the bath mats were in the wash. So I put a towel on the floor....got moaned out as he had been using the blue one. Then said we shouldn't be using 
the towels but bath mats. We then went to take the kids swimming and I was trying to get him to talk...he then said after 15 minutes of trying to get blood out of a stone that we always do what I want to do. I was sooo hurt by that, as usually we both agree...and therefore feel betrayed that he agrees but doesnt really want to. Am I wrong in feeling like this. I ask him always for 5 or 10 minnutes and he just says yes...I am not a mind reader. He then says not going out stuff but stuff round the house....I had asked him to help tidy up, and he was on about that. He forgot I had mowed the lawn which took all day the previous Sunday (a job he does do, but hasn;'t done for months). 

I have finally settled in a job I think I like (was made redundant, hated my job), and we then said we would look at extending the house or moving when settled. I brought it up this saturday, and mentioned they had released the houses he likes on the new development. We went to have a loo. We also had a look on internet together for some other houses in the area. He said yesterday...that why are we doing this all of a suddenm again this is something you have decided, and it probably wont happen. We had looked before, and we didnt move, due to problems with jobs etc, and nothing suitable, so we decided to postpone. However this is my fault again. I felt hurt that he went along with viewing house and not once said he didnt want to, but again I had to mind read.

He did also say he works really hard. I appreciate that, but so do I, I had increased my hours to a 4 day week (was 3 as my son had issues and we suspected he had aspergers, but it would appear not just a mild dose of autism I earn the same wage as him for fulltime now, and suggested he reduced his hours, to help with the tiredness. He didn't want to as he wants to go to florida. I mentioned this yeesterday, and then said work wouldnt do it, but he didnt ask. I give up...health is more important than money and holidays.

The problem is, I feel, I don't know where I am. I am now scared to ask for help, or suggest going anywhere, or do anythihng. As he may say yes, and not really want to do it, and say a few weeks down the track....is this a trust issue....I think it is. 

I am really confused.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like he might be depressed. He may need to be checked out by the doctor, and have some blood work done. The only thing I know to tell you right now, is to back off trying to get him to talk, apparently he's not going to. Has he always not communicated with you, or is this something new? I wouldn't push the issue anymore with trying to get him to open up right now. I would leave him to be to wallow in whatever is going on. All you can do is try to talk with him and he isn't willing to, so let him be. I would suggest to him to get checked out by his doc though.


----------



## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You dont seem compatible. He prefers the kids to you. If you want to stay in the marriage you will just have to give in to him.
I suppose you argue a lot. A good counselor could help if you can find one. Or if you can get him to come on here. 

You seem to be trying to organise his life like you said about computers. Men dont like that you are not his mother. 

Please think about what I wrote.


----------

