# Do you love your spouse or the job they have?



## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

Wondering what others opinions are on this one. You always here about how true love conquers all. With the tough economic times many are facing right now I wonder how many men's SO's are standing by there partner through thick and thin and vice versa.

Do you think women love a man for who he is or only love him for what he does. If a man were to lose his well paying job would his SO drop him. Would the ladies even date a guy who may not have the highest earning power but manages to pay the bills, or is it all about how large the man's pay cheque is? 

And just so as not to appear one sided, guys would you stay with your SO or date a lady whose earning power may not be exactly stellar??

Food for thought! 

Qwill


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My stbx-wife was willing to accept limited earning potential in fast food customer service. That didn't influence the "stbx". However, if there is a Wife 2.0, I think it's likely that she will be at least somewhat more career focused, having similar goals as me.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It's been a long time for me, but I never considered money when choosing girls to date. And even though I am financially secure now, when I met Mrs. BigToe I had no job and owed lots of money but she still dated me and even paid for some of those early dates. When I ask her why, she says she saw potential in me.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My salary is more than what average women make here in the city where we live.

My husband's salary is a little bit more than what average men make here! 

My husband said he wouldn't date a woman who didn't have a job, he just knew he couldn't support a family just by his own ability! I don't mind working at all, I would rather work than stay at home. My job gives me a lot of confidence. I make sure I am a good employee. I work hard and fulfill my responsibility, I talk to my boss respectfully, rather different from other employees who talk back and have bad attitude. While others are losing hours, I always have enough hours! My boss doesn't want to lose me! 


My husband knows that he has the responsibility of being a man and a husband. He doesn't want a wife to be dependent on him financially, I guess he won't want to depend on his wife financially either. When his hours are down, he will go out and look for more hours right away. As long as his hours are above 20 a week, we are both happy with the number he makes. 

Being responsible is important, people in general! 

We have two incomes, but our life style is budgeted only on one income. We are saving for uncertain future and old age!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I love my man not for the job he has or the money he earns (although I am duly appreciative of those things), but for the character, values, and integrity that he has. I know that if he ever lost his job, he would be very dedicated to move whatever mountains he could to get another one to provide support for his family.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I am leaving my H and stepping out into economic uncertainty. I feel that I can manage the current challenges in the job market as well as any man. My H among other mistkaes made the mistake of thinking he could buy me. That having a house and a job and extra money for 'stuff' and trips would keep me around. The first thing he tried to do to reconcile with me after me finding out about his cheating and lying was to start talking about trips, telling me to buy furniture for the house, sending me gifts, etc. It was really disgusting. What I wanted he did not have to give.

I am okay with myself and somewhat happy I'll be living overtly frugally. In the past I have been taken advantage of because of my economic earning power, and it showed, and I ended those relationships. I have no problem dating a guy who does not have a lot of money but can manage what he has. If he has a job he loves then that is great. I would not expect someone to leave a job situation he loved for something higher paying just for the money. To me that is a very bad thing to do to someone if you can earn money for what you want yourself that is the right thing to do.

I really do not like to receive gifts that are unaffordable for a man. If he can't afford a lunch date a picnic with PBJ is going to go down a lot easier. What I want money alone can't buy.

Money is for taking care of people. People who are truly dependent because they can't earn a living due to age (young or old) or infirmity. Or to help others in need voluntarily.

When I was with my younger kids' dad he did not ever take care of the children. I ended up being primary caregiver and worked and took care of the house. He went kayaking and built boats and worked out and never did groceries or housecleaning when he took care of the kids there was always an accident or screaming. I asked him once for a check for child care and he gave it to me. It helped me feel better but it was still not what I wanted. I wanted him to be a partner, not to be his mommy. I ended up leaving the relationship, he has got better and better about doing things for the kids (I think they make him! as I've taught them to self-advocate over the years) and of course now I get $ regularly to balance the scales of being primary parent so far as school and medical appts and day to day stuff goes.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

H's previous wife openly admitted to being attracted to him bc he was a brand new doc straight out of med school. said she knew her future would be set.

I have my own money...i don't need his title or his bank account.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I believe that quite often a stay-at-home spouse begins to undervalue the contributions made by the breadwinner.

Usually, coupled with this, the stay-at-home spouse overvalues their own contribution.

You see this issue discussed here many many times. Stay-at-home spouse on facebook, etc. Marriage is sexless, etc.

You would think the tough economic conditions would stand as a guardrail against this sort of shortsightedness.

Looks like you'd be wrong in that assumption.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I love my husband for the man that he is, and I love that he is doing what he truly wants to. If I didn't love him, year long deployments would be much less difficult LOL.

I was a SAHM for about 3 years, but as soon as both my kids were in full time school, I used the opportunity to go back myself and use my GI Bill. my husband doesn't mind the extra money I get for going to school , thats for sure!!


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I believe that quite often a stay-at-home spouse begins to undervalue the contributions made by the breadwinner.
> 
> Usually, coupled with this, the stay-at-home spouse overvalues their own contribution.
> 
> ...


I agree with this


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

My husband and I are not well off by any means. We are pretty much just getting by. It has always been like this although I hope we can change that in the future.

I married him because I love him and am crazy about him. 

There has been times when he was out of work and I was the only one working, and vice versa. 

Money has never had anything to do with how we feel about each other.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Qwilleran said:


> Wondering what others opinions are on this one. You always here about how true love conquers all. With the tough economic times many are facing right now I wonder how many men's SO's are standing by there partner through thick and thin and vice versa.
> 
> Do you think women love a man for who he is or only love him for what he does. If a man were to lose his well paying job would his SO drop him. Would the ladies even date a guy who may not have the highest earning power but manages to pay the bills, or is it all about how large the man's pay cheque is?


For me, at least, it has little to do with how large the paycheck is. We don't make a lot right now. But I've learned to be comfortable and content with what we have. And I'm very grateful for the job he has now. But I've been with my husband since we were 16, before he ever had a job. So I fell in love with him, not his paycheck. I'd never "drop him" over the loss of his job.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Qwilleran said:


> Do you think women love a man for who he is or only love him for what he does. If a man were to lose his well paying job would his SO drop him. Would the ladies even date a guy who may not have the highest earning power but manages to pay the bills, or is it all about how large the man's pay cheque is?


I have always been the type where *LOVE*, *enjoying each others company *&* shared dreams *was *#1*. Without that -it would not matter how rich a man was, I would get lonely & bored. Buying me diamonds would get old, I would WANT his time & attention more so. Shopping alone would not be something I would enjoy, I like to be with my man. Even if we only have a dime in our pockets. 

I married my husband when he worked in a little grocery store, he had a manager position but still the pay was very low. In our youth, there was a time I even made more than him. He worked there faithfully as a model employee for 18 long yrs -he was going to quit once & they offered him killer health benefits to stay -so he hung on, it enabled us to start our family . He did the computer college thing at night , didn't get anything from it. 

But what I knew & ALWAYS had faith in -was US & his excellent "work ethic". With our combined thriftiness, a shared lust for our dreams (we used to spend hours just driving around looking at country property, dreaming)--- we worked, we saved dilegently, it took time, sacrifice, alot of fixing our own cars & property, becoming grand "do it yourselfers" , but amazingly we acheived all of our dreams plus some. We got our country house , more acres than we could have imagined , he got a better paying job and we were completely debt free by the time we had our last child. 

My husband has never made a penny over $51,000 - many would consider this low income, but for us, we are very thankful for his job, it is "enough" to acheive a very happy life in all of it fullness & pay every bill on time- with extra to spare. 

I wouldn't say our kids are lacking much either, they might not have the finest clothes, and lack a cell phone but they have ipods with free text! I am not one who thinks kids should be spoiled with "things". Even though they have every game system that has come out besides Xbox. 

I still choose to use a tracfone -good enough for me. (averages me $7 a month) Plus we have more $$ saved for a rainly day than some making twice as much as my husband, he hears the guys complaning at work all the time, he just shakes his head.

So because of our humble beginnings, NO, I would never never leave over a loss of a job, we would struggle together to make do.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband lost his job right after he proposed. People told me to leave him, but I understood that marriage is about being there through thick and thin.

He is in a field that is highly respected and women always nudge and wink at me when they find out what my husband does. I love how humble he is!

We are doing better now, though we won't be able to buy our own home for at least another five years. We have a lot of debt.

I love my husband for who he is; his title is not even a factor. I am not one of those status conscious women who drops her husband's title in conversation.

My mother is another story....she is all about appearances and loves to tell people: "My daughter married an ENGINEER!"  She's a show off and it's sickening. 


I had some idiot who was interviewing me say: ""You married an engineer because you wanted security. My deadpan response was: "If I needed my husband to be secure, why would I bother to look for work?":rofl:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I believe that quite often a stay-at-home spouse begins to undervalue the contributions made by the breadwinner.
> 
> Usually, coupled with this, the stay-at-home spouse overvalues their own contribution.
> 
> ...


Totally disagree. I work full time now and really would value and adore a person who was home doing everything I can't do now because I'm at work. 

To answer the original question...I don't give two craps what the guy makes as long as he's not a douche bag who refuses to call or show up when he says he will and is happy doing what he is doing and together we manage to pay the bills and do right by our kids.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Interesting question. My husband's job is very much a part of who he is and why I am attracted to him. One of my goals in attending college, in addition to getting a good job and education, was to meet an intelligent man who had good earning potential. However, I was not attracted to the business majors because they only seemed interested in making money.

When I met my future husband, he was in ROTC, and I never thought I would like to be a military wife. The fact that he wanted to be a pilot was very attractive to me, very macho, and I loved the idea that we could eventually travel when he became a commercial pilot.

He didn't earn a great salary in the military, and I had to adjust to all of the moves that we made. But we fit each other to a T, so I never regretted following him to all the different bases.

When he got out and became a commercial pilot, his first year salary was pathetic. We got by with buying used clothing for the kids, scrimping and saving. A few years into his career, things improved financially.

I love that he does not have a conventional 8-5 job. I love the travel benefits. I love that he is a nice guy with the inner soul of a pirate. If he had a low level job or if he was a workaholic who only cared about money, I was not have fallen in love with him. His job is a part of who he is.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I think part of this is the compatibility of drive and ambition in the couple. A mismatch could make life very difficult.

I don't give too hoots on how much money my spouse makes... he's a workaholic... and he's trying to wrap his brain around the idea, that work is not a priority. He always had the drive to be on the greatest and latest design project... and that was the thrill of the chase for him.. that is (and hopefully one day soon..was) his mistress. Money was never an issue.. it was the career. For those spouses that got material items in lieu of attention, of course it could never be a substitute... I was so far down on his priority list ... I was lucky to get a card for our anniversary... and that would be the ones in the plastic wrap from the convienence store... and hopefully within a week either way of the actual day... 

I have high drive and ambition too... I put my dreams of my true calling on hold for 20 years to help him get started with his career... although I had tried for so many years he would never consider my requests, it wasn't a option at the time, after the next project I had heard time and time again... HOWEVER... I am back in school, upgrading my degrees so that I can get back into the workforce in the career I love and dreamed of for years! 

A honest days pay for an honest days work,responsible with the finances no matter what they be....

and most importantly... work is left behind as soon as the car reaches the driveway!


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Conrad said:


> I believe that quite often a stay-at-home spouse begins to undervalue the contributions made by the breadwinner.
> 
> Usually, coupled with this, the stay-at-home spouse overvalues their own contribution.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

uphillbattle said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Yes. Always best to count your blessings. know what they are, how many you have and then to really treasure, defend, nurture and take care of them. Some only know what blessings they “had” after they’ve forever gone and it’s way too late to ever get them back.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

This is one area that I am so proud of my wife. She doesn't really care to know how much I make, and couldn't even come close to describing what I do for a living. Before you get the wrong assumption, my job has always typically changed about every 18 months, so it is hard to keep up with. She knows it has something to do with developing new engine and drivetrain technology.

She makes a good income and works part time. Drives an older car and has flat out refused it when I've tried to get her to spend an extra $10k on her next car because she is more worried about what will do the job. I drive a pickup truck and park in a lot full or Mercedes, BMWs and a whole lot of Saab's.

For the years that she was a stay at home mom, she never took my job for granted. I told her later that I really regretting not thanking her more for the sacrifices she made. As a nurse practictioner, she had to jump through many hoops to get her credentials re-established after returning to work.

We've had so many issues with the marriage, but I'm just glad that this wasn't one of them for us. The marriage would've probably gone thermonuclear if you added financial strain, other than the normal of getting behind on medical bills and stuff.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I consider my role as a SAHM extremely EASY in comparison to my husband's role and JOB - as the sole Breadwinner for our larger family. I , for one, am very very THANKFUL to be able to stay home with them. I often feel like I could be doing "more" somehow. I hold him in very high esteem for what he does for all of us. 

It is very important for me to get EVERYTHING done before he walks through that door every day, I don't want him helping me with nothing, unless I just had surgery or am suddenly sick & dragging (thankfully very rare). That way he can do what I can't do as a woman (those handy man projects) and we'll have more time to spend together or do something FUN with the kids.

We drive OLD vehicles too and I wouldn't want it any other way , we could buy new if we wanted -even pay in full -but we never would - we like having extra $$ for other things.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

stritle said:


> couldn't agree more


I have found the opposite at our home, I am the breadwinner... have been for a long time, and I really really valued what my husband did at home, but he didn't value it himself.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Love him, not his job. He's infantry. We all know the military doesn't pay all that great. But that's ok. He supports both of us. Definitely helps that I'm a simple gal who doesn't need anything. I appreciate him for what he does for me and this country.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've got to think my wife would have less miserable married to a hedge fund manager or the chief of oncology somewhere. Someone who's raking it in and who's never there.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

When I married my wife, she has no job and no money. I love her and I took care of her. Now!... She make twice the money I make. I love her even more.

But if she lost her job, I'll still love her and take care of her, like when we got married. 

Don't know if she feels the same way if things are opposite.


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## coINsaver (Sep 20, 2011)

I dont have to worry about falling into this one on the wrong side of things. Since we became a couple, my W hasnt held a steady job. She holds two degrees and had always been the primary earner in her previous marriage, but with the economy and other issues I cant always wrap my head around, she doesnt work. That doesnt change how much I love her in anyway. "For richer or poorer." you know!?!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

This isn't an issue in my marriage as I make a lot more than my husband. His job isn't what attracted me to him, and I can only hope that he doesn't feel this way about me and my job. Yikes!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I don't think a job or education defines a person. I do respect someone who respects themselves though, who takes pride in whatever it is they're doing, who strives to be the best they can be, who either follows their passion while still having their feet on the ground OR who recognizes their job is just a means to an end and doesn't take it all too seriously. This might sound like wanky bullsh*t now that I see it written out, but it's true.

My H and I met young and neither of us had a career path in mind at that time. I've always admired the way he's excelled in whatever it is he's put his mind to. He's resourceful, independent and determined. I have seen the change in his approach in business over the years, transitioning from eager to please 'successful' guy to now being his more authentic self with not just business but in all aspects of his life. These are the types of qualities that keep me attracted. Not his income or title.


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