# Thinking my marriage is over...



## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not quite sure if he ever did. He certainly hasn’t been “in love” with me for a long time. We’ve never spoken about divorce or separating, but I wonder if that’s where we are headed. We are roommates, there is no affection. I can’t tell you the last time my husband hugged me or held my hand. I can’t tell you the last time my husband complimented me or made me feel pretty. He can’t love me can he? He doesn’t buy me birthday or anniversary gifts or cards. Never tells me he loves me actually. I might stay for my kids but then I think - am I really going to go my whole life not feeling loved again? I also wonder if I’d ever be able to find someone who would love me. I don’t want to be alone. I’m young - early 30s - seems like a long time to waste with someone who doesn’t love me. Sorry I’m not sure what I’m even looking for here just needed to get this out since I have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears you are in the parenting rut. Both just roommates. Kids first yadda yadda. That is all wrong. Spouses come first. It creates a happy environment were kids thrive. Have you spoken to you H about these feelings and ideas? Best place to start. (PS. I've been there and fixed it. Marriage takes work. Always keep dating each other)


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## [email protected] (Jul 28, 2020)

I do not think you can make decision at this point . You may feel unloved at this point but try first to know why he does not may be you are interpreting in the wrong way . Talk with him first and share your concern without suggesting any thing what you are up . If you love him work out to bring him to notice you are feeling unloved .


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

Sadly, it’s been this way since shortly after marriage. We almost got divorced about six months after we were married (his choice), went to counseling and I got pregnant. Never really fixed the issues. I had a gut feeling on my wedding day that I was doing the wrong thing, yet I went through with it anyway thinking it was jitters. He has a history of not being very nice to me.


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

[email protected] said:


> I do not think you can make decision at this point . You may feel unloved at this point but try first to know why he does not may be you are interpreting in the wrong way . Talk with him first and share your concern without suggesting any thing what you are up . If you love him work out to bring him to notice you are feeling unloved .


I actually have hundreds of times. It always ends like “I’ll try to be better” but sadly nothing has ever changed. We’ve even been to counseling. I want to go back but he doesn’t (says it’s a waste of $$$)


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## lj2932 (Jul 21, 2020)

Sad lonely girl said:


> He has a history of not being very nice to me.


What do you mean by this?


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## kdog99 (Aug 11, 2020)

My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more disheartening and demoralizing than to be in a loveless relationship. The default solution most people turn to is divorce. But divorce rarely solves anything. Unresolved problems multiply and are carried over into the next relationship. Divorce is especially devastating to kids. I do have some suggestions for you. If you are a religious person, I highly recommend daily reading from the Bible or other religious writings. I recommend you pray for your husband, pray over your relationship. Then focus on you. Work on becoming the best person you can be. I highly recommend the movie Fireproof. I'm sure I am making some assumptions here, but start doing kind things for your husband that are unexpected. Write a note or fix a special treat. Show and express your love and appreciation every day without thought of reciprocation. Be patient. If physical or emotional abuse ever happens, you absolutely do not have to live with that, and you should not live with it. Get help right away. Even one time is too many times. Beyond that, be patient and kind. Don't lose faith. Find ways to be cheerful and joyful. Develop yourself as much as possible. It will pay dividends, even if your marriage doesn't survive. And finally, know that you are not alone. Marriage is intended to bring joy and happiness. That is the way God designed it. He wants your marriage to succeed as much or more than you do. He will help you if you keep him in the loop.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sad lonely girl said:


> I actually have hundreds of times. It always ends like “I’ll try to be better” but sadly nothing has ever changed. We’ve even been to counseling. I want to go back but he doesn’t (says it’s a waste of $$$)


He’s probably right about that. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

kdog99 said:


> My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more disheartening and demoralizing than to be in a loveless relationship. The default solution most people turn to is divorce. But divorce rarely solves anything. Unresolved problems multiply and are carried over into the next relationship. Divorce is especially devastating to kids. I do have some suggestions for you. If you are a religious person, I highly recommend daily reading from the Bible or other religious writings. I recommend you pray for your husband, pray over your relationship. Then focus on you. Work on becoming the best person you can be. I highly recommend the movie Fireproof. I'm sure I am making some assumptions here, but start doing kind things for your husband that are unexpected. Write a note or fix a special treat. Show and express your love and appreciation every day without thought of reciprocation. Be patient. If physical or emotional abuse ever happens, you absolutely do not have to live with that, and you should not live with it. Get help right away. Even one time is too many times. Beyond that, be patient and kind. Don't lose faith. Find ways to be cheerful and joyful. Develop yourself as much as possible. It will pay dividends, even if your marriage doesn't survive. And finally, know that you are not alone. Marriage is intended to bring joy and happiness. That is the way God designed it. He wants your marriage to succeed as much or more than you do. He will help you if you keep him in the loop.


Those are some good tips, thank you! We are both believers but not super religious. I’ve done some things like that for him in the past, but it never seemed appreciated it. I once filled a box of 365 things I loved about him, he could pull out one piece of paper each day of the year. Needless to say, he never looked at it. This was 5 years ago and it’s still sitting full. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t do more, I know I could. So thank you


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

lj2932 said:


> What do you mean by this?


Well, when we were dating he would break up with me and give me the silent treatment all the time and then go out with his friends and party then once he got lonely he’d come back and start talking to me again. He also asked me to move in with him once and when i packed up my things to move in he pulled the rug out from under me and said he actually didn’t want me to, so I was left with no place to live for a while. 

Also just not showing up when we had plans (disappearing for hours to work in his truck or something like that) while I was waiting for him for hours. Wouldn’t answer my calls or anything when 

I also suffered with some infertility and a miscarriage. I was given medication to help with the passing of the fetus and it was very painful both physically and emotionally. I was a wreck. During the worst of it, he left me to go out and have beer with his friend. I begged him not to leave and said I really didn’t want to be alone and he did it anyway.

Also basically wanting to divorce me six months after our marriage because he “didn’t think he wanted to ever be married” was pretty hurtful. He said he didn’t think he was meant for marriage as he wanted to do the things he wanted without having to worry about somebody else.

So there’s a lot of old things that have led to some resentment on my part. I tried to forgive and forget but it’s really hard! He also didn’t ever truly apologize for anything he’s ever done. He’s never wrong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Some men marry for sex, some men marry for a replacement mother, some because they really want to be with you. Read the book His Needs Her Needs and it might help you see if you have a marriage worth fixing.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

kdog99 said:


> Show and express your love and appreciation every day without thought of reciprocation.


Some people think unconditional love means to love a person no matter what they do, how they treat you, or how they behave, but that's not what it means. To explain what kodg99 means by the statement I quoted as described in the movie *Fireproof* and it's reading companion *The Love Dare*, the definition of unconditional love is to love a person without expecting reciprocation. The Love Dare challenges a person to show their love by expressions, deeds, and actions without expecting the object of their love to do anything in return. For example, day 2 of the Love Dare challenges you to do one unexpected kindness for your husband. According to the definition of unconditional love, you cannot expect your husband to do a kindness for you just because you did one for him. The Love Dare is a 40-day challenge forcing you to consistently doing and saying things for/to your husband to express your for him without expecting him to express his love for you. The objective of the challenge though is that by doing and saying these things, he will feel your love, and, thereby, come around and feel compelled to also express his love after being moved by your expressions. In other words, you will be winning him over.

Note: If you're not a religious person, you can easily disregard the religious texts and connotations and still follow the directives in The Love Dare because it's concepts and principles are universal. Also, I think the movie is rather poor acting and directing, but it does a great job of conveying the meaning of love and marriage and depicting the kinds of problems that plague many marriages, as well as how to overcome those problems.

I used to suggest Fireproof and The Love Dare pretty often, but I haven't in a quite a while and wasn't going to in this instance, so I'm glad kdog99 brought it up. What I was going to suggest for you is based on the same theory of what kdog99 was saying, which is that your husband needs loving too. We women often expect adoration and chivalry from our men without thinking they need the same from us. So consider how possible it might be that your husband is thinking you don't love him either because of the same reasons you feel he doesn't love you.

I believe The Love Dare can work miracles in a relationship/marriage. However, if your husband is a particularly resistant personality type, then I don't know if it will work. I only know it's worth an honest try and to stick with it for the full 40 days (or at least 30). After all, you ignored the signs from the beginning and don't seem to know what his problem is, so we can't know either.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

After all of the awful things he put you through, both before and after you got married, what made you and still makes you think he's husband material? You haven't said anything to make me think he wants to be married.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Well, when we were dating he would break up with me and give me the silent treatment all the time and then go out with his friends and party then once he got lonely he’d come back and start talking to me again. He also asked me to move in with him once and when i packed up my things to move in he pulled the rug out from under me and said he actually didn’t want me to, so I was left with no place to live for a while.
> 
> Also just not showing up when we had plans (disappearing for hours to work in his truck or something like that) while I was waiting for him for hours. Wouldn’t answer my calls or anything when
> 
> ...


So forget what I said in my previous post. Also forget about marriage counseling. You should go to counseling for yourself to help you understand why you married a man like that. Maybe you accepted all this because you have no one in your life to talk to, and so there was no one to admonish you and no one to guide you. But you need guidance very badly. If you can't afford it, every state has free family centers with counselors on staff. See if you can find one near you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

At a certain point, there is nothing left to try. You have told your husband that you want/need things to change "hundreds of times", yet there haven't been any consequences. He knows that he can keep acting the way he is and that you won't do anything about it, just the like hundreds of times prior. Your husband will not change unless given a reason to, and even then he may never change. 

I have done many of the things you've mentioned here. Maybe for the same reasons as your husband, maybe not - we don't have his side of the story. Either way, I didn't start working on my crap until I was given a reason to. A year ago, almost to the day, my wife put her foot down and said therapy or divorce, and that she wanted a break from me for a month. I stomped my feet for about a month and when she didn't back down I gave in and went back to therapy. As soon as she loosened up, so did I (stopped putting in an effort), so don't do that. Keep your foot down. 

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. If your husband refuses to work on whatever his issues are then you know that it's time to leave. 

Please, do not "stay for the kids". It isn't fair to you OR them. Kids deserve to be in a happy home, whether that is with two parents or one. They also deserve to see healthy relationships, not unhealthy ones. Your kids are little sponges who are absorbing everything. Even the things you think they aren't picking up on, they are. Do you want them to have a marriage like this in the future? Probably not, so show them that it's not acceptable and what a healthy relationship looks like. "Do as I say, not as I do" doesn't work out well. 

There are approximately 3.9 BILLION men on this planet. Of course there are many men out there who would love and cherish you. Don't let the fear of being alone hold you back.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Sad lonely girl said:


> I had a gut feeling on my wedding day that I was doing the wrong thing


Your wedding day should be on the happiest days of your life....definitely not a good day to be doubting. He doesn't sound like the man for you....you had serious issues six months in, he isn't nice to you, gives you the silent treament, zero affection. If you were just dating, you would have left a long time ago. Divorce sucks, but so does staying in a miserable marriage. You are very young and deserve to be happy. I think it's past time to have a serious talk and tell him you are done. Might wake him up, but I highly doubt it. You two don't sound compatible and should have never gotten married.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Why waste your life being miserable and unloved like this? It's not always easy finding someone else and no guarantees, but 30s isn't over the hill. Even if you didn't find someone or someone soon, just not having to deal with the tension and rejection at home would be a relief, I'd think.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bobert, I don't know when I've ever seen anyone be so candid on a forum to help someone else. Thanks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Sad lonely girl Have you considered couple's counselling?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

After all he did, why did you marry him?


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> After all of the awful things he put you through, both before and after you got married, what made you and still makes you think he's husband material? You haven't said anything to make me think he wants to be married.


I wonder the same. Just today I mentioned couples counseling again and he acts like I’m crazy and nothing is wrong!! Nobody can be content in a marriage like this can they??



bobert said:


> At a certain point, there is nothing left to try. You have told your husband that you want/need things to change "hundreds of times", yet there haven't been any consequences. He knows that he can keep acting the way he is and that you won't do anything about it, just the like hundreds of times prior. Your husband will not change unless given a reason to, and even then he may never change.
> 
> I have done many of the things you've mentioned here. Maybe for the same reasons as your husband, maybe not - we don't have his side of the story. Either way, I didn't start working on my crap until I was given a reason to. A year ago, almost to the day, my wife put her foot down and said therapy or divorce, and that she wanted a break from me for a month. I stomped my feet for about a month and when she didn't back down I gave in and went back to therapy. As soon as she loosened up, so did I (stopped putting in an effort), so don't do that. Keep your foot down.
> 
> ...


Good points. Thank you. I am happy to hear that someone has gone through something similar and made it through. So your marriage is better now? 



Dadto2 said:


> Your wedding day should be on the happiest days of your life....definitely not a good day to be doubting. He doesn't sound like the man for you....you had serious issues six months in, he isn't nice to you, gives you the silent treament, zero affection. If you were just dating, you would have left a long time ago. Divorce sucks, but so does staying in a miserable marriage. You are very young and deserve to be happy. I think it's past time to have a serious talk and tell him you are done. Might wake him up, but I highly doubt it. You two don't sound compatible and should have never gotten married.


You’re right. If we were dating I would have left long ago. I am afraid we’re not compatible.


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

StarFires said:


> So forget what I said in my previous post. Also forget about marriage counseling. You should go to counseling for yourself to help you understand why you married a man like that. Maybe you accepted all this because you have no one in your life to talk to, and so there was no one to admonish you and no one to guide you. But you need guidance very badly. If you can't afford it, every state has free family centers with counselors on staff. See if you can find one near you.


you are absolutely right I know I could really use counseling on my own to work through my own issues and figure out how I ended up here




Openminded said:


> After all he did, why did you marry him?


I really don’t know. I guess I was comfortable and afraid of what would happen if I didn’t go through with the wedding.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Good points. Thank you. I am happy to hear that someone has gone through something similar and made it through. So your marriage is better now?


It's better than it was before, but there is still lots of room for improvement. We would be a lot better/further along if I would have stayed committed to improving, rather than being sort of off and on over the last year. That's why I said if he does decide to work on himself, stay firm. You give him an inch and he'll take a mile.


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## Sad lonely girl (Sep 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> It's better than it was before, but there is still lots of room for improvement. We would be a lot better/further along if I would have stayed committed to improving, rather than being sort of off and on over the last year. That's why I said if he does decide to work on himself, stay firm. You give him an inch and he'll take a mile.


That’s good to know.. thank you! And good luck. Hope you continue to improve things


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## breska (Sep 17, 2020)

In India marriage is holy thing. It is a pity that in europe and america marriage is not holy anymore...


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

I'm cried so hard while reading your words. We are the same boat. 



Sad lonely girl said:


> I’m pretty sure my husband doesn’t love me anymore. I’m not quite sure if he ever did. He certainly hasn’t been “in love” with me for a long time. We’ve never spoken about divorce or separating, but I wonder if that’s where we are headed. We are roommates, there is no affection. I can’t tell you the last time my husband hugged me or held my hand. I can’t tell you the last time my husband complimented me or made me feel pretty. He can’t love me can he? He doesn’t buy me birthday or anniversary gifts or cards. Never tells me he loves me actually. I might stay for my kids but then I think - am I really going to go my whole life not feeling loved again? I also wonder if I’d ever be able to find someone who would love me. I don’t want to be alone. I’m young - early 30s - seems like a long time to waste with someone who doesn’t love me. Sorry I’m not sure what I’m even looking for here just needed to get this out since I have no one to talk to. Thanks for reading.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Well, when we were dating he would break up with me and give me the silent treatment all the time and then go out with his friends and party then once he got lonely he’d come back and start talking to me again. He also asked me to move in with him once and when i packed up my things to move in he pulled the rug out from under me and said he actually didn’t want me to, so I was left with no place to live for a while.
> 
> Also just not showing up when we had plans (disappearing for hours to work in his truck or something like that) while I was waiting for him for hours. Wouldn’t answer my calls or anything when
> 
> ...


Your husband is really a POS, there is not other word to describe his treatment of you. You are young and have your life in front of you.
Do you work? Are you financially independent? How old are your children. Divorce is tough on kids but it is much tougher living in a home where the father mistreats the mother and shows her no love. A loveless marriage is the worst thing to model to your children. 
You need to start making a long term plan to get out.
1. Go see a lawyer for your options, how things would need to be done.
2. Start working on yourself, through IC (forget about MC), start exercising, eating well, do yourself up, to lift your own spirit. Do the 180 on your husband to help you to detach. Sounds like he is already detached. Communication on family issues only. No nothing for him, no presents, nothing. No compliments, no special meals, nothing. Detach.
3. Make sure you have a network of good friends and family. Confide in a family member or close friend.
4. Start putting aside money in a separate account.
5. Consider looking for other places to live. How you plan leaving will depend on the lawyer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

breska said:


> In India marriage is holy thing. It is a pity that in europe and america marriage is not holy anymore...


Yes it is a holy thing, yet has one of the highest number of infidelities where men have women on the side and cheat yet the women must stayed married because of culture and face saving. 

Which is not surprising considering its laws. It was only 3 years ago that Section 497 of the *Indian* Penal Code dealing with adultery was done away with*. *The Supreme Court called the law unconstitutional because it "treats a husband as the sole master." India is still gender biased in this regard, so yes maybe divorce rates are low because of these archaic laws and culture not because people think marriage is holy. The famous adult site Asley Madison did a survey a few years ago and discovered that 76% of Indian women and 61% of men said there was nothing wrong with adultery. I assume the men had a lower percentage cause the thought of their wife with someone else was not so appealing. 
So please stop your sanctimonious b**-s**!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sad lonely girl said:


> Those are some good tips, thank you! We are both believers but not super religious. I’ve done some things like that for him in the past, but it never seemed appreciated it. I once filled a box of 365 things I loved about him, he could pull out one piece of paper each day of the year. Needless to say, he never looked at it. This was 5 years ago and it’s still sitting full. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t do more, I know I could. So thank you


Any normal man would have snuck in and looked at all 365.
Yes, you have a problem. Edit: just read your other posts. Your husband doesn’t love you. Do what you can to get happy without him.


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