# Very conflicted about a job vs relationship



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Just a little back story. Last November I found out my wife had cheated on me. Its documented on here so I won't go into to much detail on it. I decided to stay and reconcile with her. 6 months later, my job of 10 years came to and end when the business shut down. To say this has been the hardest year of my life is a severe understatement.

As far as my marriage, I can honestly say that things have been great the past year between us. She has shown me over the past year how much she regrets what she did and how sorry she is. Her actions have been consistent and she has done what she needed to do to start fixing what she broke. 

The issue today is that I have an interview this week for a job that would pretty much be the opposite of my wife and children's schedule. I'll pretty much only see my 6 year old for about 30 minutes a day when I wake her up and get her ready for school. My wife goes to work very early so she has to go to bed early. I'll pretty much only be able to spend about 20-30 minutes a day with her. 

I know a job is a job and you have to do what you have to do...but i'm wondering if its a smart idea to take it. Let me preface this by saying I'm not concerned about her cheating on me again. I'm concerned about the toll it will take on the marriage since we are still in a fragile state. Since I met her, we have always worked the same schedule so this will be a massive change. She will have to handle everything with the kids since I won't be there. Our time together will be extremely limited during the week. 

I know without a doubt I will not be happy being away from my wife and kids. I mean, the thought of only spending 20-30 minutes a day while my baby is awake kills me already. 

I just have a bad feeling that having this type of schedule will bring on a lot of stress on both of us. She will have to handle everything herself and I will hate not being there for her and my kids to help. Being without a job is incredibly stressful, but luckily I've made smart decisions and can last a while without one. 

I just don't know what to do because I know I will not be happy with a schedule like that and neither will my wife and kids. However its hard to turn down good money. So, for the sake of my fragile marital state, is it a smart idea to make such a drastic schedule change?

Just want to get some advice.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

don't take the job. you risk your entire family by doing so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Daily togetherness is crucial for a marriage to thrive.
I would only do this if it was financially essential.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Well as of now it isn't absolutely crucial financially, but in a few more months it may be. Its definitely a hard choice. Of course I want the job because it pays well and I can be making good money again. I just dont know what the effect will be on all of us.

I know the effect it will have on me won't be good.


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Ditto. Don't take the job. You are risking too much. 

If you HAVE to, just to keep your head above water, keep looking for another job and don't list the new employer on your resume or refer to it as temporary because it will be. I realize that's kind of sucky to the new employer but that's only if you really must have the income.

Not only your marriage and time with your daughter (which, if your marriage doesn't work, will be limited either way forever) but you say you'll be unhappy. Personal happiness counts a lot.

I've also found that sometimes the poorest times of my life were some of the best with my ex because it felt more "us against the world" - you are required to really work extra hard together to save money, get ahead and rely on each other.

Without looking at the history, we all know two people contribute to a failing marriage. It was her choice to cheat vs. communicate but something was broken. Look at the reasons she was unhappy - I'll bet a lot of those things could have been fixed with time and attention, right? - and look at the demands of the new job. You might realize you could be recreating those same dynamics that led to the problems the first time.

Keep looking.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening hawx20
If you need the money, take the job but only temporarily - keep looking for something that will let you spend time with your family.

Long term this is really destructive to families. My father worked night shift for my entire childhood - it was awful.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Don't do it. 

Time with your wife/child is priceless. Not only that, once you take that away, your relationship with wife/child will suffer.

30 min a day = your relationship WILL DIE in time!!!!

Keep looking!!!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If this job offer happen say 4 years *later I would go for it but man you are only 1 yr into R....I wouldn't risk it.

Besides why take a job when you won't be happy?


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

I'll like the job, just hate the hours. While I still have a few months left to be okay financially, the reason I would want this job is because it will allow us to be secure again.

Not working is killing me. Its not even the money. I just feel like a bum, like I'm not pulling my weight. Good paying jobs are hard to find and it will be hard to turn this down. I'm stuck between being there for them emotionally and physically and being able to provide for them financially.

Its a very tough call.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> I'll like the job, just hate the hours. While I still have a few months left to be okay financially, the reason I would want this job is because it will allow us to be secure again.
> 
> Not working is killing me. Its not even the money. I just feel like a bum, like I'm not pulling my weight. Good paying jobs are hard to find and it will be hard to turn this down. I'm stuck between being there for them emotionally and physically and being able to provide for them financially.
> 
> Its a very tough call.


How does your wife feel about this potential job? Does she have any reservations about it? Is there any chance that the schedule could be changed in the future?

Like the others have said, if it is absolutely necessary take the job until you find something else.


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

JustTired said:


> How does your wife feel about this potential job? Does she have any reservations about it? Is there any chance that the schedule could be changed in the future?
> 
> Like the others have said, if it is absolutely necessary take the job until you find something else.


She feels the exact same way I do. She wants to feel secure again but she doesn't want me gone with a shift like that. She's torn as well as I am.


----------



## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

hawx20 said:


> She feels the exact same way I do. She wants to feel secure again but she doesn't want me gone with a shift like that. She's torn as well as I am.


Oh yeah, that's a toughie. Are you going to the interview at all or are you planning on skipping the interview all together?


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Last year i would have said to take the job. But now after putting a lot of work to save my own marriage, I would say you have to do what's best for your marriage. With your wife sharing your opinion I would say it is not a wide choice to take the job unless it's just till something better comes along and she is TOTALLY on board with it and supports you completely. Even then, there's bound to be problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Daily togetherness is crucial for a marriage to thrive.
> I would only do this if it was financially essential.


Dead on. 

I was removed from a job. Downsizing. I had enough in savings to last about 3 months. As the months passed I had to find something. Cash was dwindling. I landed a night job. Talk about not seeing my family. It was out of necessity. However, I continued to interview and look for something that worked for the family. During the day I had time to interview. Three months later landed the best job of my life. 

If you are not in dire straights do not take the job. Explain to the W that you wish to find something that supports good family life...daily. Family first.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

hawx20 said:


> She feels the exact same way I do. She wants to feel secure again but she doesn't want me gone with a shift like that. She's torn as well as I am.


If there is any doubt. Do not take the job. Further, she wants to feel secure. Make her feel secure. Keep looking.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

not having top quality contact time with the wife and kid will negatively immpact the marriage. But so will you being out of work and burng thru any savings you have. SO make a judgement. I am assuming both days of the weekend you would be free to catch up?? Cut any outside encumberances down to zero on the weekends.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Don't take the job temporarily. You will feel obligated to put in a year or two


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Yeah I am so torn. It sucks because I have 2 options, both pay great but both take me away from the family. I know taking the job is a bad choice but the security of a paycheck is very tempting


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I understand.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It is your life but given the same situation I would decline the job, relationship is more important and you would be putting a big strain on what is already a relationship that has had issues. Too risky IMO.

I can relate as Mr H has recently knocked back an offer that is about $50k plus stock options above what he currently earns. the kicker was 6 days a month overseas travel. We both agreed that it was not how we wanted to live and our time together is more important. I would have supported him if it was what he wanted to do but am so happy he said no. 

What are your employment prospects like? Is there much work in your field?


----------



## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

Before I got married there were 3 things that I feared most as a man. Death, was #1 by default. #2 and #3 were infidelity and job loss. Within 6 months, I had to deal with both. How I'm still standing, I don't know.

Now, it appears that the option I was holding on for isn't going to happen. So now I find myself in a possible lose lose scenario and I must pick a poison. 

If I take the job, I know for sure I will be miserable. I don't know how I will be able to handle that schedule. Seeing my child for 20 minutes a day in the morning and my wife 30 minutes at night will take it's toll on me quickly. I don't know how long it will be before it affects my wife and how.

If I don't take the job money will be extremely tight. How long before that takes it's toll on everyone. Nearly 1 year ago was my dday. Now I find myself in another impossible situation. 

How much can one man handle in one year?


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You will handle this. You have proven your strength.


----------



## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Don't know what salary level you need, but keep in mind that lots of temporary jobs will be popping up soon for holiday season. Depending on your location, for instance, you could pick up a ton of hours with UPS over the next couple months and make decent coin. Go to UPSjobs.com to apply. After last year's deliver debacle, the shipping services will be hiring anybody with a pulse to keep the packages moving. 

If you're still good for a couple of months, those type of holiday temp jobs could extend out your job-hunt time for a bit longer, allowing you to continue to look for a good job with more family-friendly hours.

Best of luck.


----------

