# Boyfriends Secretary



## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

*Boyfriend's Secretary*

Hi Everyone... I really need advise. My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. Here is my story... My boyfriend owns his own business. His secretary started to come on to him in 2008. She would say she had to work from home then ask him to come over because she was having problems with payroll and then have a huge meal on the table and ask him if he was hungry. She did this all the time to get him to her house. She would work late just to be in the office with him. She would give him sticky notes at work saying he was awesome and draw pictures etc. If he was going to lunch on his motorcycle she would ask to go... she was married at the time she was doing this. She did get divorced a couple of months later. They finally started an affair and he broke up with me. This lasted a few months and he ultimately knew he had crossed the line and it was wrong. They were keeping it from the other owner of the business. She finally left because she thought he would bring their relationship out in the open if she did but he finally ended it. We got back together and I thought problem was solved. Well eight months ago..this is now 2012 his present secretary quits and he now needs new secretary. Well you can guess what happened he hired her back. She did not know we were back together when she got rehired and started texting him while we were eating about things at work etc. She texted him on a sunday morning at 9 am when we were at breakfast to come to her house because she had a tree fall on her roof and she needed help. He said that we were at breakfast together and would go there together and she immediately started to back pedal....oh you dont need to come now. She now knows we are together but I still have problems with this situation and my boyfriend says that there is nothing going on and to stop worrying. I cant because they had something going on before. She stays late at work every night, sometimes my boyfriend, his partner and this women and the other secretary go to lunch...my boyfriends business is in a house and if he is in the kitchen having lunch she will come and sit with him and eat her lunch... supposedly she has a boyfriend...My question is am I wrong to feel the way I do. I have asked him not to stay late, have lunch with her or be alone with her after hours. He says nothing is going on and I do believe him..... How to I handle this. I am sorry if my story is all over the place but I am out of my mind with this situation. I have even come out and said we need to get engaged so that she will back off if she is out to get him back. I feel pathetic and I have never been this way before....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

The problem isn't the secretary. The problem is your boyfriend and his lack of boundaries. He should never of hired her back again, given their history. And when he did, you should have walked out.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

So, wait. He screwed around on your with her. Left you for her. And now hired her back????????????????????


uh...WTF!!!

Tell your man to he needs to let her go now, he needs to inform his partners of the entire situation or you need to walk out the damn door. 

The fact that he can sit there and tell you not to worry, shows that he has absolutely no remorse or consideration for your feelings at all.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

Thanks for responding.... I guess I am naive I actually thought it could be ok......so what do I do now.....she is there and he is not going to get rid of her.....am I just insecure


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

A man who will not marry you after 6 years is already someone you should dump, IMO.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

He will not let her go.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your feelings are completely valid. He cheated on you with her in the past and dumped you for her. 

With the current job situation in this country he could have had his pick of others to be his secretary.

You have absolutely no reason to trust him. Getting engaged will not get her to back off. She cheated on her husband, why should she care about you?

There is a very high probability that he is having an affair with her again. You could snoop and find out.

But why do you want to be with a man who does not respect you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hey Girl said:


> He will not let her go.....


Do his partners know about the affair he had with her?

Are his partners having affairs with their secretaries?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

Your boyfriend hired the woman he cheated on you with??

No, you are not insecure. He's a jerk who has no respect for you or your very valid concerns and feelings. How would he feel if the situation were reversed?

It's one thing for a partner to have an affair, apologize and do the work to earn the trust back again. But part of earning your trust back means NEVER talking to his affair partner again. That's a big no-no.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> Thanks for responding.... I guess I am naive I actually thought it could be ok......so what do I do now.....she is there and he is not going to get rid of her.....am I just insecure


Why is he not going to get rid of her? Is he trying to tell you that nobody else can fill her shoes? Type a letter? Answer a phone? Assuming that he intends to be totally professional, and she crosses any lines, he can fire her. Or, if she is an "at will" employee, he can let her go with no explanation.

So why does he tell you he won't get rid of her?


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

good grief, I'm sorry but what an insensitive, selfish idiot he is!
who would do that?? 
not only is it wrong from a relationship perspective, she sounds like a terribly unprofessional secretary too!
I wouldn't be able to live with this I'm afraid, I would have to tell him to get rid of her completely or I'd be out the door (although I would be out the door anyway)
I would advise against getting engaged to this man


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

should have left as soon as he hired her back.
if he lets her go now, there is a chance of discrimination lawsuit.
that was a dumb move on his part.
absolutely no respect for you at all.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

walk... time to get out before you get an STD.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

He hired her back, yet is supposedly smart enough to run his own business? OMG! :slap:


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



MattMatt said:


> He hired her back, yet is supposedly smart enough to run his own business? OMG! :slap:



:rofl:

touche'


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hey Girl said:


> Thanks for responding.... I guess I am naive I actually thought it could be ok......so what do I do now.....she is there and he is not going to get rid of her.....am I just insecure


He's your boyfriend, not your husband or even fiancé. It sounds like he's not at all remorseful for how he treated you the first time. My thought, lay down some strong boundaries, which will include no contact with the other woman. Most likely some form of relationship counseling. If he's not willing to invest fully in the relationship, time to say goodbye. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Cannot stress more on this, but you need to LEAVE HIM NOW

1. He didn't marry you after dating you for 6yrs! :redcard:

2. He had an affair with his secretary! 

3. He hired her back after things cooled off! :wtf:

Hiring her back should indeed have been THE LAST STRAW!

You have already wasted enough time on this man. Spare yourself the trouble, stress and humiliation and break up with him..... NOW


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m sorry but if I were in your BF`s shoes there is no way in hell I`d re-hire the woman I was screwing around with behind your back..

I wouldn`t do it because if I was dating you again I would hold some respect for you.
The fact that he felt it was no probem means he holds no respect for you.

All this time & all this crap, no commitment and overt utter disrespect.

He must be hung like a monster because I can`t think of any other reason a woman would put up with his ****.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Your boyfriend is an idiot in his business decisions and in his relationship decisions.

He is risking the future of his business and his and his partners' livelihood for a second time by screwing around with the help. 

Had it been me, I would have let her go the first time when she started coming on to me. 

I found myself in a similar circumstance being invited to a house where the woman had other intentions when a friend of my wife asked me to stop by her house to help her figure out the receipts for a Girl Scout cookie sale. It didn't take long for me to figure out I hadn't been asked there just to help with cookies. I excused myself politely but quickly. 

Your boyfriend knew what he was getting himself into the first time, and knows what he is getting himself into the second time now. You don't seem to know what he is getting himself into again, however.

Why in the world would you believe that nothing is going on between them? You need to take the blinders off.

He has to be a complete and utter jackass to hire her a second time. He has no regard for your feelings.

You can do better. Much, much better.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

enoughisenough said:


> I don't think he should have even considered hiring her back.


The fact that he did shows the lack of respect for the OP. He doesn't believe she has the backbone to do anything about it. And so far, he's right.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It doesn't matter how comfortable he feels about something that affects your life. If you're not married to him, I'd say tell him straight out, it's you or her. If you don't like the situation, there's no reason you have to live with it, even if he defines it as being 'okay'. Why would anyone choose to live with a man under such conditions. No man is worth marrying who doesn't honor your feelings under such conditions. I'd draw the line at someone who hired back a secretary he'd slept with. Good grief, does not meet my criteria for a husband, or a boyfriend. Sounds like you could do better, and hooray, no guilt, I'm sure he can be consoled by his secretary so you don't even have to feel bad for leaving him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

Did you know he was rehiring this woman?
Just the thought of hiring her again shows how litttle respectt your BF has on you. Abosolutly clueless the man.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

You could start pursuing HER. Since they want to play games, put on a jersey and run interference. Then leave, while you're still laughing.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

Unacceptable. You need to give him an ultimatum (you or her). He hasn't shown any respect for your feelings. 
Unless you two mutually agreed that you don't want to be married... 6 years is more than enough time for him to decide. I take back my earlier statement... don't give him a choice. It's time for you to move on.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

You suggested getting engaged after he hired his affair partner back? :scratchhead:

This man is poor relationship material. You could do so much better. It's only been 6 years and you're not even married yet AND he's pulling this nonsense. Please don't wait until it's 20 years later and you're posting on another board about his ongoing affair with this OW or another.

First rule of reconciling is NO CONTACT with the AP. Never. EVER.

But what does he do?

He hires her back? He's selfish and lacking in empathy. Clueless, clueless man. They're not all like that. Find a good one.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

Well, lady he's a piece of work but you need to set clear boundaries in a relationship and in my point of view he's crossed a lot of em. you need to move on sunshine, he's a loser and totally not worth it 



> He hired her back, yet is supposedly smart enough to run his own business? OMG!


:lol::rofl::rofl:


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## l4u (Jun 6, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

He will probably cheat on you _again_ if he hasn't done this already.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> Thanks for responding.... I guess I am naive I actually thought it could be ok......so what do I do now.....she is there and he is not going to get rid of her.....am I just insecure


No you are not insecure. You have good intuition on this one... you know that there is no way he should have hired her back. When you feel the pain.. pay attention to it. The pain is your heart, head and soul telling you there is something very very wrong.

The normal rule about affair partners is that the wayward person (him) should end all contact with her and never, ever have any more contact with the OW (other woman). If he has any contact with her ever again YOU end your relationship with him. 

He owes you to prove to you every day that he can be trusted to love and protect you. 

He has proven that the only thing you can trust him for is to hurt you and cheat on you.

He has no respect for you ... leave him.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

you don't say !!


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

Thank you everyone ...you have all said what I already feel and know...there is si much more I have not posted..I am 50 own my own home worked at the same job 32 years and I did not want to get married again just wanted a commitment and he said no...I have never cheated on him and when I was divorced my ex and I were good to each other I didnt even take alimony and I pay his health insurannce...all these things show that I am not out for his money...I pay my own bills...why amI not good enough...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

who said you weren't good enough? sorry I missed that part.

"worked at the same job 32 years and I did not want to get married again just wanted a commitment and he said no" this sentence clearly tells you he doesnt want a committed relationship. what is the problem?

Give him credit for being honest with you, and you should be honest with yourself.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

rl;805056]Do his partners know about the affair he had with her?

Are his partners having affairs with their secretaries?[/QUOTE]
No his partner is in relationship and this was kept from ... during her secret affair she spoke badly about the other partner and told my boyfriend every move he made ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> Thank you everyone ...you have all said what I already feel and know...there is si much more I have not posted..I am 50 own my own home worked at the same job 32 years and I did not want to get married again just wanted a commitment and he said no...I have never cheated on him and when I was divorced my ex and I were good to each other I didnt even take alimony and I pay his health insurannce...all these things show that I am not out for his money...I pay my own bills...why amI not good enough...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The question you should be asking is "Why isnt he good enough?" (because it sounds like he's not)...... you already are good enough, believe it.............


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> why amI not good enough...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a low quality man... Why are you seeking his approval? Please, you deserve a man of quality who will seek to make you feel loved, special, happy... The world is full of them... You just need the courage to accept only certain people in your life.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> Thank you everyone ...you have all said what I already feel and know...there is si much more I have not posted..I am 50 own my own home worked at the same job 32 years and I did not want to get married again just wanted a commitment and he said no...I have never cheated on him and when I was divorced my ex and I were good to each other I didnt even take alimony and I pay his health insurannce...all these things show that I am not out for his money...I pay my own bills...why amI not good enough...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, you are too good for him. He simply is not worthy of you. Maybe (and I'm sorry to have to tell you this) he thinks you are simply convenient for him. I would suggest being a little less convenient for him, open yourself up to the option of moving on without him. You sound like a really nice person and deserve better than him. Best of luck to you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> Thank you everyone ...you have all said what I already feel and know...there is si much more I have not posted..I am 50 own my own home worked at the same job 32 years and I did not want to get married again just wanted a commitment and he said no...I have never cheated on him and when I was divorced my ex and I were good to each other I didnt even take alimony and I pay his health insurannce...all these things show that I am not out for his money...I pay my own bills...why amI not good enough...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Rather than asking yourself why you're not good enough, you should probably be asking yourself why you THINK you're not good enough, and why you stay in the situation. You need to respect yourself first, before you can expect other people to respect you.

C


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> I am 50 own my own home worked at the same job 32 years and I did not want to get married again just wanted a commitment and he said no..._Posted via Mobile Device_


Please claify, did he tell you he did not want a commitment with you?


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Honestly if he won't let her go then I would let him go. I went through a situation kind of like this with my ex husband...Hence why he is an ex husband he wouldn't let her go. Your spouse should be toward the top of your priority list and if he wont let go of a simple worker (history is a no brainer not to hire her back) it shows he will put other things above you as well.... He is not marriage material.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

He has said he does not want a committment.....he complained that his ex wife cheated, all other girlfriends didnt have good jobs etc. I am none of the above......I actually get along with my ex husband .......I had an amicable divorce....did not take him for anything at all....I would never take anyones money...I work and pay my mortgage and all my bills myself...I didnt take alimony and got a second job to get by....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Clearly this man has no intent to be monogamous. Not being like his former girlfriends means nothing. And I don't think he dumped his former girlfriends, even if that's what he told you. They probably left him. When you leave him, he will probably say something like you had to much to do between your work and your house, and no time for him, and that you 'thought' there was something going on between him and his secretary and were 'overly jealous'. Honestly, I wouldn't believe one word about what he says about his former girlfriends and why he 'broke it off' with them. You are jumping through hoops for a prize. It's a personality type to get addicted to 'winning' as compared to the former girlfriends. Many manipulative men also use their former girlfriends' behavior to get sex favors they otherwise could not get. Personally, it sounds as though he is manipulative and controlling and maybe even emotionally abusive. I would step back and spend some time without him altogether and see if you feel better about yourself in other company.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> He has said he does not want a committment.....he complained that his ex wife cheated, all other girlfriends didnt have good jobs etc. I am none of the above......I actually get along with my ex husband .......I had an amicable divorce....did not take him for anything at all....I would never take anyones money...I work and pay my mortgage and all my bills myself...I didnt take alimony and got a second job to get by....


wow thank you for replying, finally. So he stated he didnt want a commitment, what did you think that meant, he was going to be committed to you? Thank you for being honest to this thread, now be honest with yourself, and make your choice.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> He has said he does not want a committment.....he complained that his ex wife cheated, all other girlfriends didnt have good jobs etc. I am none of the above......I actually get along with my ex husband .......I had an amicable divorce....did not take him for anything at all....I would never take anyones money...I work and pay my mortgage and all my bills myself...I didnt take alimony and got a second job to get by....


If he says he doesn't want a commitment, then he doesn't want a commitment. In other words, it doesn't matter how nice you are, how financially stable you are, how faithful you are. He will not commit to you.

So the question really is, can you live like that? Your being here suggests that you don't want to, but are torn with emotions. I'm so sorry but he will not change. The solution to your dilemma must come from you now. Either you accept this behavior from him, or you let him go. You seem like a really nice lady and you deserve better.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

There is so much more. You are right there is emotional abuse. I think I need to find out why I feel I cannot live without him. I feel pathetic. I am a very independent woman and always have been. I don't know what happened to me.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I'm putting this under the category of "I'd rather have a bad somebody than nobody at all". He sees no boundaries, just someone willing to put up with his cheating ways. And he has the nerve to say he doesn't want to commit because people cheated on him? What a peice of work. 

Also, there is at least one temporary staffing agency or workforce center of some kind in any city in the world. This OW is not his only choice when it comes to employees. If she had to learn that job, so can someone else.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> I'm putting this under the category of "I'd rather have a bad somebody than nobody at all". He sees no boundaries, just someone willing to put up with his cheating ways. And he has the nerve to say he doesn't want to commit because people cheated on him? What a peice of work.
> 
> Also, there is at least one temporary staffing agency or workforce center of some kind in any city in the world. This OW is not his only choice when it comes to employees. If she had to learn that job, so can someone else.


:iagree::iagree:


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Dump him. What are you waiting for, him to leave you for her again? Honestly. Don't you think you are more deserving of a decent and loyal man than that?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I'm putting this under the category of "I'd rather have a bad somebody than nobody at all". He sees no boundaries, just someone willing to put up with his cheating ways. And he has the nerve to say he doesn't want to commit because people cheated on him? What a peice of work.
> 
> Also, there is at least one temporary staffing agency or workforce center of some kind in any city in the world. This OW is not his only choice when it comes to employees. *If she had to learn that job, so can someone else.*


No kidding. Secretary, not surgeon.  !!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hey Girl said:


> There is so much more. You are right there is emotional abuse. I think I need to find out why I feel I cannot live without him. I feel pathetic. I am a very independent woman and always have been. I don't know what happened to me.


I think you need to find this out too. AFTER you kick the bum to the curb.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> rl;805056]Do his partners know about the affair he had with her?
> 
> Are his partners having affairs with their secretaries?


No his partner is in relationship and this was kept from ... *during her secret affair she spoke badly about the other partner and told my boyfriend every move he made ...*
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]

:wtf:

From a purely business point of view, this is even worse!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> There is so much more. You are right there is emotional abuse. I think I need to find out why I feel I cannot live without him. I feel pathetic. I am a very independent woman and always have been. I don't know what happened to me.


You fell in love with an idiot who is also a user. Sadly.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

I so many times wanted to tell his partner....he told me if I did he would file a restraining order against me and because of where I work I did not want to take the chance. The "secretary" now works for him again and she makes sure she stays late when my boyfriend stays late...they had to go to the bank and my boyfriend said he would meet her there....the bank is literally 2 miles from the office.....she said she didnt know where the bank was and needed to go with him in his truck....get this....the job she had prior to coming back to work for him was two doors down from the bank...is she playing games or what......


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Why are you playing this game?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Please don't play his game and run like the wind.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Your the only one being played.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*

If this relationship is to survive, OP, your BF needs to fire this woman and break all contact with her. If he isn't prepared to do this, I can't see your relationship with him ever becoming healthy.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

*Re: Boyfriend's Secretary*



Hey Girl said:


> He has said he does not want a committment.....he complained that his ex wife cheated, all other girlfriends didnt have good jobs etc. I am none of the above......I actually get along with my ex husband .......I had an amicable divorce....did not take him for anything at all....I would never take anyones money...I work and pay my mortgage and all my bills myself...I didnt take alimony and got a second job to get by....


Excuses ... Excuses and more Excuses to have a GF outside of his relationship with you! 
So what if his ex-wife cheated, does that give him a permit to cheat on you? :bsflag: 
And what does this have to do with the kind of job you have????? Is he staying with you for your money?? :bsflag: :bsflag:

In my opinion it would be better to stay without a man, rather than stay with this man!! Commitment needs to work both ways. You will end up getting hurt if you hang in with this person. You need to find someone who will have more respect for you and understands the logistics of a committed relationship.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

He will not let her go....he thinks she is the only one that can keep his company going....that is never going to happen. I dont like that she stays late every every night just like she did in 2008.....


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

He has nothing to do with my job and I definately do not support him financially in any way....it is just that I work in the legal field and I dont want to cause any embarrassment for myself when I have done nothing wrong. I know that he definately would have filed a restraining order against me when we broke up if I had contacted his partner. It would have been devastating to me and an embarrassment....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hey Girl said:


> He will not let her go....he thinks she is the only one that can keep his company going....that is never going to happen. I dont like that she stays late every every night just like she did in 2008.....



Sometimes when you see the sign you have to read the message. 



> He will not let her go


tells you all you need to know. 

Walk away, get him out of your life, there are better men out there who are more than prepared to do what is required to protect their relationship with their SO's.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So even after he dumped you for her, his partner did not know?
It’s even clearer why he’s hired her again. Not only is she his affair partner, but she is helping to give him a huge advantage over his unsuspecting partner. He’s a back stabber and a user.

I would not be surprised if he’s been seeing her all long behind your back.

Does he tell you about her speaking badly about his partner and reporting the partner’s every move? Is this how you know that this is going on?

One of the most effective ways to break up an affair is to expose it. This means to tell others about it. For example when she was married, you should have told her husband. You should have told his partners as well.

You could get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and get him talking about all the things he and she are doing that hurt his partner. Then let the partner hear the recording. 

This will end the affair most likely. It would also most likely break up the partnership and affect his, her and the partners’ financial wellbeing.

Your bf is not a very nice person. Why are you with him?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let her have him.

Seriously.

Why are you even dealing with this? Your boyfriend has no respect for you. At all. Because there is no way in hell that is he were truly committed to you, after having already broken all the trust in your relationship (with the same person, no less), he would have hired her or have anything to do with her again.

Your gut instinct is right on. There is something up. Dump him.

You are not married. It does suck you spent 6 years w/ a man who wasn't committed to yoU BUT.... it'd be worse to spend 6 more w/ him.

Move on and spend some time alone. Find your self-esteem and dignity and don't date until you realize that yo uare worth so much more than this crap.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Chances are that they are laughing at you behind your back...her and him..probably just having a great old time. She obviously could care less about what you are thinking as does he.

This guy you are with has no concept of boundaries, etc...and please what she does there are plenty of people with the same admin. skills..a dime a dozen.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Girl said:


> He will not let her go....


Then what more do you need to know? 



Hey Girl said:


> it is just that I work in the legal field and I dont want to cause any embarrassment for myself when I have done nothing wrong.
> 
> I know that he definately would have filed a restraining order against me when we broke up if I had contacted his partner. It would have been devastating to me and an embarrassment....


Why would you be embarassed? 

And *why in the heck * would you want to be with someone who could/would file a restraining order against you? That is crazy.

Lady, you have really low self-esteem and sound very insecure. You think you can't do any better than him. But it's simply not true.

It's better to be single and happy than to be in a relationship w/ someone who has no respect for you and doesn't care what you think. 

If you think the latter is better than the former, then have at it but know you will never be happy with this guy. He does not have your best interest at all. Someone who loves you would not do this to you. Ever.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I just do not understand why you are with this guy. Every time you post, we see another reason he's a scumbag. Is he holding something over you? Why are you afraid to kick him out, or leave yourself?? Why are you WASTING your life?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hey Girl,

For some reason you have slipped into the role of a enabler to an abusive user.

This probably happened very slowly over time. Abusers know how to play people. You do not have the boundaries that protect you from being used by abusive men.

For your own good end your relationship with this man. Then go see an individual counselor to get your head straight and to figure out why you have been doing this nonsense for 6 years.

One of the questions you need answered is why did you pick this man.

The answer is that you did not pick him. He picked you. Abusers look for partners who have weak boundaries.

You talk about his previous girlfriends. Well they were smart enough to get away. The ones who left him apparently had better boundaries and would not put up with his nonsense. 
He keeps you around because you have few boundaries when it comes to the mistreatment you will accept. 

You gave him once chance to redeem himself after dumping you for her. It’s more of a chance than you should have given him. But you gave him that. And he’s blown it. He sees your giving him another chance as a sign that you are a stupid woman who will put up with anything. He can mistreat you all he wants and you will still be there.

You now know that setting strong boundaries are the key to protecting yourself from abuse. Define your boundaries and stand behind them. 

The first boundary you need to erect is that you will not have a relationship, or even friendship, with someone who cheats on you. 

He’s a sleazy man. Get rid of him.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If, after 6 years, this guy isn't committed enough to be faithful, he never will be. I'm sorry, OP, but I don't see a happy future with this man. Just more of the same self-esteem eroding crap from him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He will not have a happy life, so why be a part of his Misery Circus?

Let it be just the two of them, The Idiot Ring Master and Bozo the Secretary Clown!
:rofl:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You know he is cheating. You know they are having sex at work or during their drives. You know this and yet you don't mind sharing him.

Is it still called 'sloppy seconds' when it is with a guy?

Seriously, you have to decide if you are ok with sharing. If not, you need to leave. Because if you stay, you are sharing him. He told you he doesn't want to commit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hey Girl,

One thing no one has mentioned. You need to get an STD test.

You have no idea if this guy is only banging his secretary. And you have no idea who she's been banging for the last 10 years.

You are so putting your life at risk in this relationship. 

Why are you doing this?

Get an STD asap.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Hey Girl,
> 
> One thing no one has mentioned. You need to get an STD test.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

I will get checked out that is a good idea. I dont know what I will do if I end up with something.....I feel sick right now over all of this.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> I will get checked out that is a good idea. I dont know what I will do if I end up with something.....I feel sick right now over all of this.


I know it is scary as hell...I can feel your anxiety that sick feeling in your stomach, the shaky feeling all over your body, we have all lived it and it is terrible but you will survive and get thru it.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

I hope so...I feel like a fool....thank you for the kind words


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## mackerel (May 22, 2012)

Your boyfriend has done a horrible thing. The question is what are YOU going to do about it. From what I have seen on this forum, is that the person who was betrayed usually does nothing and puts up with the other person's crap.

According to the numbers, I'm pretty confident you won't break up with him, which is unfortunate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mackerel said:


> Your boyfriend has done a horrible thing. The question is what are YOU going to do about it. From what I have seen on this forum, is that the person who was betrayed usually does nothing and puts up with the other person's crap.
> 
> According to the numbers, I'm pretty confident you won't break up with him, which is unfortunate.


The numbers say that she will eventually leave him. Hopefully sooner than later.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

You are not the fool. Your boyfriend is...

I can imagine how hard it must be to start over at 50 after a divorce but do you want to waste another 5 years on this man? There are men out there that will value and respect you and that love older women. I have a friend that is older than me, in her 50's. She went through a bad divorce and some some bad men but now she's with a man that treats her well and she's so happy. 

Don't waste anymore time on a man that doesn't deserve you. Drama will follow this man for years because he attracts it into his life. Spare yourself further pain. It will be hard at first. The first few months will be the most difficult and it will hurt but time really does lessen the sting. If you can survive a D, you can survive dumping your cheating, disrespectful BF. 

Wishing you strength.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can spend your life trying to be right in this relationship (staying around hoping he will see the light, you will win, the bad girl will get a public label of bad girl and not get any rewards for being a bad girl, etc. etc. etc. according to all the fairy tales we were inundated as youngsters) or you can walk on.

It's like you are attached to some kind of resolution to this story that involves you winning the man and being loved and her being exposed for being a wh*re. It's just not going to happen.

Honestly, he probably needs you around so he can b*tch to his secretary how jealous you are and what a pain it is to be involved in you and how he can't leave you because he's been with you for so many years and you are so good to him...he's likely manipulating her as much as he's manipulating you...the reason she's so anxious and doing things that seem so ridiculous to be with him is that he probably says things like he 'should' be going home to you, etc...he probably enjoys seeing her jump through hoops as much as he enjoys seeing you jump through hoops. He doesn't actually care for EITHER of you, he is using you two equally against each other is what I think. Misogynist, and getting a lot of sex out of it too. The both of you are collectively richly awarding his efforts...and I wouldn't be surprised if he adds more women to his mix soon enough, if he can get two scrambling to mark their territory, imagine the fun he can have with three, or even four. I was married to such a person. It's a power trip for them. You can disempower him by completely disengaging...once he is done moping around and getting sympathy from this secretary, he will get tired of having ONLY her, and he will soon enough replace you with another woman. Any woman willing to play this game, someone nice, and helpful, who can be appealed to (I lost my secretary, can you please come and help, only you know the ropes, etc...) Trust me, she's just as duped as your are. Just get out of this sort of relationship. It's obviously no fun. Suffering just gets you more suffering, it doesn't make you holy. Especially when it's a choice. It makes you guilty of really messing up your life. It's your life, too, nobody is going to swoop down and vanquish your honor for you.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> *He will not let her go.*...he thinks she is the only one that can keep his company going....that is never going to happen. I dont like that she stays late every every night just like she did in 2008.....


Doesn't matter if he lets her go or not....

*YOU LET HIM GO*. I am sure you know in your heart that you deserve better!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> He has nothing to do with my job and I definately do not support him financially in any way....it is just that I work in the legal field and *I dont want to cause any embarrassment for myself* when I have done nothing wrong. I know that he definately would have filed a restraining order against me when we broke up if I had contacted his partner. It would have been devastating to me and an embarrassment....


Is it not embarrassing already? 

Don't give yourself reasons and false hopes to stick around with his guy. Find someone better who would value and respect you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> I so many times wanted to tell his partner....he told me if I did he would file a restraining order against me and because of where I work I did not want to take the chance. The "secretary" now works for him again and she makes sure she stays late when my boyfriend stays late...


You can't get a restraining order for telling the truth about their prior relationship, and the reason for your suspicions, and what your boyfriend told you. Let him find out the hard way. :rofl: He will never find a lawyer to defend his position and if he represents himself a judge will bounce his butt out of the court. 

There is no way he can threaten your job over this, especially if you warn your superiors that a man is threatening to harm your job as a retaliation.

Tell him to stuff his fantasies about an RO where the sun don't shine.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

I work in the judicial system so I would be completely embarassed if he tried .....


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Hey Girl said:


> I work in the judicial system so I would be completely embarassed if he tried .....


You work in the judicial system so you know his chances of succeeding are slim.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

I do realize that but I cannot have him coming into my work and even trying and he knows that. That is why he threatened it. He knows that I dont want any conflict at my work. I have never dated anyone that I worked with for these reasons. I am not saying that people should not date at work but I will not. I work two jobs and this is not something that I will do no matter what because when things go sour it is not fun. My daughter dated someone she worked with and when they broke up it was for her.


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## Hey Girl (Jun 5, 2012)

It was horrible for my daughter.......


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Well then leave exposure alone.

What are you going to do with him?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

The standard of proof for a restraining order is actually pretty high.It is primarily used by abused WOMEN who are seeking protection against violent partners. Unfortunately, as you should know, all too often judges will not grant a restraining order which has led to too many women being injured or killed as a result. Any lawyer walking down the hall will tell you the same.

Below is a link to a document summarizing the standard of proof for a restraining order. I'm not including this for you so much as for anyone else who believes the nonsense this man is spewing at you.

https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&...20pv7o&sig=AHIEtbRVx1S2kRKaDuH1S3ardXYD4vX5rw

What you are essentially saying is that he has threatened to embarrass you at work if you say anything against him to anyone. Please contact a local woman's shelter, they will give you the anonymity, counseling, and legal support you need to get away from this emotionally abusive person. 

As tacoma says, leave exposure out of it, he sounds like someone who might be capable of more than simply embarrassing you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Hey Girl said:


> I work in the judicial system so I would be completely embarassed if he tried .....


Why? He should be the one embarrassed, not you. My work also involves being in close proximity with the legal/judicial system in my area. Many of the local attorneys and judges know me, which means that they know I am honest, reliable and law abiding. If anyone, including my WS does something to attempt to make me look bad, he will fail. It's that simple.

Your bf is disrespectful to you and unreliable. Therefore, you might not be able to stop him from making an azz out of himself, but your reputation should remain stellar if you handle the situation with dignity and honesty.

Give yourself some credit for the reputation you have built all on your own. He hides behind that because he can't compete with that. You hold the ace. Use it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

And I realize you own your own home and don't need to stay at a shelter. But take advantage of their services. They see these situations all the time and will know how to help you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Try THIS one! "Hello, Police? I am being subject to blackmail threats by xxx. Can you please help me?"

Blackmail is considered a very serious crime. In the UK there have been cases when the crime the victim of the blackmailers had found out about was left unpunished, yet the blackmailers got jailtime.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get a VAR and record him telling you things about his partner. And then get him to threaten you if you tell his partner.

Now you have something that you can use if he comes after you at work. And something that his partner might be very interested in hearing.

{make sure you know your state's laws about recording a conversation and recorders in your own home.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hey Girl said:


> I do realize that but I cannot have him coming into my work and even trying and he knows that. That is why he threatened it. He knows that I dont want any conflict at my work. I have never dated anyone that I worked with for these reasons. I am not saying that people should not date at work but I will not. I work two jobs and this is not something that I will do no matter what because when things go sour it is not fun. My daughter dated someone she worked with and when they broke up it was for her.


I think what he knows is that you'll back down from any conflict or confrontation, so he can do whatever he likes and you won't stop him. And you've given him one more weapon o use against you. He'll probably also threaten to serve you with divorce papers at work if things don't go his way as well.

I suspect that most of your coworkers would actually applaude you for standing up to him...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

If you want to tell his business partner the truth, why not inform your employer of the threats your bf made? Explain the situation then expose.

Or just walk away. You should leave him whether you choose to expose or not. He's an emotionally abusive cheater. He's going to gaslight and manipulate you the minute he sees you gaining strength. You should pack your stuff and move out when he's away. Line up an IC before you do so to make sure you have someone to lean on. It's going to be incredibly hard and you'll doubt yourself, but the sooner you leave the sooner you will heal. You deserve to be happy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hunter411 (Jun 4, 2012)

I wont give my line of work but I found this interesting. Specific legal requirements vary by State but are relatively the same everywhere. The last thing he will want to do is file a restraining order. There would need to be a hearing to justify it. Whats he going to say? Please Judge, dont let her tell the truth about all of my lying sleazy ways? Judge, I cant tell you any more because its all on transcript and recorded. Its just a threat. Thats all. I get threatened with them all the time. Its kind of humorous. As far as an engagement? Hell No! Run as fast as you can. Why even bother with exposing anything? He will get his with or without the exposure. I know the exposure would probably feel good in the short term, but its not worth all the extra drama that will come with it. You will already have enough when you cut and run. Take care of yourself first and get out now. He will never treat you like you should be treated. Hes already shown you that twice! There are plenty of real men out there looking for a wonderful woman like you. Be Strong!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

By exposing him to his partner, what would that really get you,1) Him to see the error of his ways, and he would be all remorseful, nope, 2)get his patner pissed off, maybe?... hell, maybe his partner is banging her? 3)cause you even more anguish, ding ding we have a winner.
If you want out? just leave no if's ands or buts (well except him he is a butt/ass). 


PS, even if he did try some BS at your work I would be willing to wage a very large sum that your coworkers and bosses would be there for you in more way than you can imagine. believe it or not there are some truly good people in this world, that will stand up for you and with you.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Cut your losses and kick him to the curb. If you think you have trouble now wait until you marry this jerk. RUN!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

this thread is still going... why? he clearly said, "he doesnt want a commitment"... what else is there to say really


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> this thread is still going... why? he clearly said, "he doesnt want a commitment"... what else is there to say really


How about: "Goodbye, you gutless slime worm?"

You are better than that. Better than him.


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## legallybrunette (Mar 14, 2013)

hi! im having the same problem with my boyfriend's secratary too! my bf runs his business at home as well. the secretary and the boyfriend is too close that the secretary would come inside his room to clean? is that what a secretary does? do the household chores? his defense was, they are friends. he fired the secretary just a month ago, but rehired her. modesty aside, but im so much prettier than her. they say i shouldnt worry because the secretary doesnt look good, but im not comfortable with their friendship, the secretary wont even like me to dine with them. another is, its too obvious that the secretary is inlove with my boyfiend. the boyfriend cant fire him because she does the work for him, thats why he rehired her even if he doesnt trust her(he doesnt trust her, thats what he said),but he knows that i get mad and irritable when they're together, the secretary would even pull his white hair! what should i do? pls help


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Hey OP: Do you want to get married and/or is this current boyfriend someone that you would have had interest in marrying? If you are the type that does not believe in marriage and never plans to get married, then the question has no meaning. Otherwise, if you are one of the women out there who desires to get married, WHY are you still with someone if they have not proposed to you after dating for 6 YEARS? 

As a guy, I knew that I wanted to find someone special to get married to and spend the rest of my life with. What I don't understand about this situation - and others like it wrt length of time spent dating - is wouldn't you know by 3 years max whether you are dating someone that you can spend the rest of your life with? You just inspired me to start a new thread.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

legallybrunette said:


> another is, its too obvious that the secretary is inlove with my boyfiend. the boyfriend cant fire him because she does the work for him, thats why he rehired her even if he doesnt trust her(he doesnt trust her, thats what he said),but he knows that i get mad and irritable when they're together, the secretary would even pull his white hair! what should i do? pls help


Tell your BF to get a Brazilian wax so she won't pull his hair.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Zombie thread. OP has not been on here since January 27, 2013.


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