# Turn Ons?!



## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

:scratchhead:

So... my wife and I have been married for 7 years. Two small kids, she's a stay at home mom and I work a normal 9-5er.... We're both in the process of getting in shape and between the two of us, just this year, together we've lost 100lbs. So we're both more energetic and physically healthy but we're not having sex.... or we are, but it feels forced. Like it's an obligation... and honestly, I have no clue on how to turn her on anymore. I do all the normal stuff that's supposed to help turn her on, like be a good dad, take the garbage out without asking, dishes, maintain our cars, good with her family, back rubs, foot rubs, good provider and nothing turns her on. I try and do stuff like parade naked or make sexy flirtatious comments and she just sneers and says, not in the mood. I've talked to her about this and she even admits that SHE doesn't know what turns her on. She IS on anti-depressants and I'm sure that has something to do with her lack of motivation with our sex life. She's even said that it bothers her that she's not in the mood ever. She feels stagnant and I don't know how to help her. And since she doesn't feel like being in the mood, there's no effort to turn me on. We used to occasionally watch an adult movie so I'll ask her if she wants me to put one on and she says, "eh.. no." The only time we have sex is if she walks in the room and says, "wanna have sex?".... When we were dating we'd send each other sexy messages, emails, pictures and it made our love life red hot!!... and now.... all I get is the... pick up milk on your way home or I miss you today. I've initiated by sending a flirty message or even a pic and 99.999% I'll get the "not now" in return. So I've stopped trying. I don't send flirty emails or texts because I don't want to be rejected!... it's exhausting.

I KNOW she's not having an affair because she doesn't go anywhere or do anything. She's raising our kids and doing a great job. She's told me how bored she is so I told her to go out with friends and she's always ready with a roadblock on why she can't. Oh, I don't want to bother them. They don't want to hang out with me.... blah. I tell her she's making excuses and we get into an argument. I WANT her to go out and have a good time with friends and I don't know why she doesn't?!?! I want her to be happy but there's no helping her. She is seeing a therapist once/mo for her depression and anxiety.... but as to what they talk about, I don't know. 

I've tried purchasing lingerie, gotten an overnight baby sitter and had a date night at home AND date night out and honestly I'm out of ideas. There are times when we have the house to ourselves and we could take advantage of being alone and the first thought that pops into her head is taking a nap.... my first thought is, let's see if we can't get the neighbor's to complain!!... lol Just last week we had the house to ourselves and she said she was going to take a shower. I said, hey how 'bout I join you. And she says sure... but no funny business.... ??? you want me to get in the shower with you... touch your naked soapy body but NOT get turned on and try to make a move?!?! So I said never mind and told her she was no fun. 

I'm feeling SERIOUSLY frustrated and there never seems to be a good time to talk to her about this. She just gets quiet and says, I know. So I don't know... feeling very frustrated.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Male lingerie? 

All kidding aside. I know from reading and from talking with friends that sexuality for couples during and after massive weight loss is an issue because there are so many changes for both parties. (Congrats, by the way, on such an amazing weight loss for the both of you!)

This is more than just the physical changes; her self-esteem has most likely skyrocketed. She's more secure in her skin. She feels healthier and probably happier.

The end result is, she is literally a new woman, and having sex as this new woman is a completely alien concept to her. You probably experienced some of those changes too, I imagine. 

She may want to bring these changes up to her therapist; you are right, antidepressants are known for decreased sexual drive, and it's possible that a slight change in her medication could help.

You really need to sit her down though and talk about this though. Tell her this is important to you and both of you have to work together to try and improve.

I've heard amazing results from 7-day challenges (a full week of sex).

Good luck!


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

Male lingerie is completely out since Im a hairy beast.:rofl:

With my weight loss I have more energy and feel more confident than I have in 10 years... we still have a long way to go with our weight loss journeys and we've been taking progress pictures so we can have a comparison of where we were and where we are now, which really helps. 

I don't think it has anything to do with our weight loss since sex has always been a struggle for us since the kids were born (now 5 & 3).

I'd be more than happy to try the 7 day challenge but I doubt she will.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This feels really bad to me!


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> This feels really bad to me!


THAT'S encouraging...


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## homebuilder (Aug 25, 2012)

I go through this myself, hate to tell you but there is nothing you can do. I beat my head against that wall for years it damaged my self esteem and confidence, but in the end its really up to her in alot of ways. Your doing your part and you can't do her part too. People are responsible for a certain part of our sex drive and she doesnt have one for whatever reason. Don't be so hard on yourself it's probably not your fault.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

ADs can KILL ones sex drive. I have been on many of them, and wellbutrin is the one that is known not to have this horrible SE. Also, depression can crush the soul and make sex a chore. Be sure her meds are working and that she sees a therapist regularly.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

There is nothing you can do to make your wife want sex. Desire is primarily driven by hormones which you have no control over directly. The only thing you can do is tell your wife you need sex to have a satisfying marriage, and without it your love for her will lessen. You need to decide if eventually you are going to leave her if she never gets better. A selfless wife will give you something even if she doesn't want it.

In my marriage I had to make an ultimatum to my wife to go to counseling or else I would leave. I had to say those words and be willing to follow through. It still didn't help our sex life much but I did learn some things about myself and how to be a better husband through that process.


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

scatty said:


> ADs can KILL ones sex drive. I have been on many of them, and wellbutrin is the one that is known not to have this horrible SE. Also, depression can crush the soul and make sex a chore. Be sure her meds are working and that she sees a therapist regularly.


She's been on a variety of different AD within the past year, I've lost track which one she's one. She has said that sex feels like a chore to her and she's tired of chores... so... 

She was off her meds for a while because of insurance issues ad now she's back on them, but as you know, it takes awhile for them to start working again. Once things are back on an even keel we'll talk. Now is not the time being TOTM.

What's sad is that she wasn't always like this. We had a GREAT sex life before the kids were born... and by no means am I blaming them!! 

Thanks for the insights... it's appreciated.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

You need to stop doing stuff around the house, yeah ok the trash is a guys job but honestly, stop with that, how can a servant turn you on?

If she is depressed then she needs to find a way out of that depression, being a stay at home mom is not great for dissolving depression due to the limited social contact, maybe she needs to get a part timer job or take a hobby where she is out of the house and able to feel free from the depression?

My sister had post natal depression and after the out care team had balanced her meds and got her out of the house and into more social environments she changed very rapidly.

Being the house wife is her job as you are the bread winner, make her take responsibility for the chores and if she is not willing to change then seek better psychiatric help to get her sorted.

Be prepared to have to get her committed, my brother in-law did that to my sister to break her out of her crap, only then once hospitalized did they sort the meds and progressed from there.

Best of luck but masturbate often, it relieves the tension when you arent getting any.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

OP - I'm sure you know that most women need/want to feel connected to desire sex where as most men need/desire sex to feel that connection. Maybe you need to work on your 'bond' as a couple by getting some good loving/cuddle hormones flowing (oxytocin in your wifes case), so she CAN feel turned on by you.

Below is a link with bonding type things you can do everyday to connect with your wife. Some are sexual but many aren't.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/200909/the-lazy-way-stay-in-love

As daft as it might sound something as simple as eye contact and smiling can be sexy as hell WHEN you're bonded and connected to your man... 

It's so easy to lose that connection when the kiddies come along... you do have to work on your marriage but you need to know your putting your energies into the right places. 

I would suggest the book 'His Needs Her Needs'. Read it together, it works best that way. 
We did a chapter a night curled up in bed together... in fact it's a nice memory.
It explains what sex means to man and more importantly what a lack of sex means to man and a marriage. It was worth it just for that chapter (for me). Hubby also says he learnt a lot from it about my needs. All in all it opened up some very interesting conversations.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

u know, I once had a female friend who was a little like your wife, she wasn't in the best of shapes but after awhile, she worked out and got into much better shape, but that too didn't improve her sex life with her hubby.

nevertheless, is her social life getting any better after losing so much weight? other than the AD, she may still be very conscious of how her body looks. she may also be very shameful to show u her naked self as she may still be thinking that she is ugly with all the additional fats. such low self esteem in a person is in fact a very real mood-killer


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## crowgwu (Jul 31, 2013)

This feels really bad to me!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

mchalliar said:


> She's been on a variety of different AD within the past year, I've lost track which one she's one. She has said that sex feels like a chore to her and she's tired of chores... so...
> 
> She was off her meds for a while because of insurance issues ad now she's back on them, but as you know, it takes awhile for them to start working again. Once things are back on an even keel we'll talk. Now is not the time being TOTM.
> 
> ...


SSRI's (anti depressants) are big libido killers...almost all have this side effect....even Wellbutren (albeit it has the least reported side effects (usually with time released pills) and has been reported to actual help when used in conjunction with other SSRI's). I would wait the recommended 2- 4 weeks for her SSRI to tak effect depending on what she is on and see how she is fairing and if nothing changes talk to the doctor. There are lots of SSRI's out there...keep trying you'll find yhe one that works best for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Are you intimate with her without the expectation of sex? It sounds to me like getting in the shower was a PERFECT time to be intimate without the expectation of sex. The fact that she said no to sex meant you rejected her completely. I know how that feels when you don't want sex but want to be touched and all your H is thinking is sex! Keep the intimacy regardless of outcome and slowly build from there. If nothing changes then she needs to see a Dr.


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

We had long talk yesterday about our relationship and it boils down to this: Our marriage is lacking romance... hence why she's not in the mood for sex. So that's something we're going to be working... however... I have no clue on HOW to be romantic. No... that's not true... I do know how... I don't know how to be romantic on a limited budget. I would wine and dine her if I could... I'd buy her jewelry and send her fresh flowers once/week if we could afford it.. but we can't. So how do you bring romance back into your relationship on a limited budget?!?!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Love notes - leave them in places in the house where she will find them unexpectedly.

Date nights don't have to be expensive. A drive out to somewhere pretty (maybe make out a little in the car). The movies once in a while.

If you have a bathtub have a candlelit bath together.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Romance - to me, at least - is about showing intimacy and that you care without expectation of physical intimacy.

I've had the same talk with my husband. It got to the point where I felt like I didn't even want to be touched by him at all because it was going to lead to sex every time! Every time you kiss, every time you touch, it doesn't have to mean foreplay. It feels amazing and makes me feel so loved when he just rubs my back because he can, or when he holds my hand or kisses me just because, with no expectation of anything more. And you may find that your spontaneous acts will lead to her being more affectionate and open with you.

Random texts or e-mails also do wonders. Surprise her with breakfast one weekend morning - even if it's just cereal in a bowl. Dance with her in the kitchen. Groupon and LivingSocial both offer great deals on a lot of local businesses, including restaurants 

Good luck!


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

sounds to me like your SO is not being completely upfront with you. I think there is more going on in the IC than you can even dream up. 

While it is difficult she needs to spill the beans. More romantic? That is ambiguous unless she really defined what that is to her. In your opening thread it sounded like you were making an effort and being rebuffed.

"It got to the point where I felt like I didn't even want to be touched by him at all because it was going to lead to sex every time! Every time you kiss, every time you touch, it doesn't have to mean foreplay."

The above poster has a point and it is a women's point. You want to know what is more frustrating is never getting sex when you initiate and only when your wife does. That is imbalance that has absolutely no place in a marriage.


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## mchalliar (Jul 30, 2013)

RClawson said:


> sounds to me like your SO is not being completely upfront with you. I think there is more going on in the IC than you can even dream up.
> 
> While it is difficult she needs to spill the beans. More romantic? That is ambiguous unless she really defined what that is to her. In your opening thread it sounded like you were making an effort and being rebuffed.
> 
> ...


I FEEL like I've been making an effort but I know that I haven't been ROMANTIC to a point. I told her yesterday: I compliment you, I tell you you're doing great with working out and losing weight, you're a great mom, I do stuff around the house to help YOU.... " she says that it seems like I'm just saying that to say it and when I make breakfast for us it's not for us but for the kids. 

It was a very difficult and emotional day yesterday... 

We WANT to make our marriage work and we love each other but we're struggling with the romance in our marriage. But like you said... she needs to know what she expects so I'm able to fulfill that. Taking a shower together without fun-time is like giving a toddler an ice cream cone and telling them they cant eat it but only look. 

If she wants intimacy, that's fine... but we cuddle EVERY NIGHT on the couch. When we go to the movies, we go and see her movies. I can't remember the last time I saw anyone blown up in a movie theater. We make time at night after the kids go to bed to talk. No TV, no phones... just us talking. She wants to be romanced but I don't know what she wants... and with her not knowing what she finds romantic, I don't know where to go with that.....


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

How about making 'bringing the romance back to our marriage' something you do together.

Get the kids in bed, pour a glass of wine or whatever and get online together and Google things like 'romance or spicing up your marriage or keeping the spark alive in your marriage'.

You may both find it fun and stimulating (both physically and communication wise) and you may BOTH learn something.

If your wife doesn't know what she needs from you to feel romance I don't understand how you can be expected to know. You can't even read her mind...because she doesn't know either :scratchhead:

Time for some research maybe.

Wanted to add..... we do many date nights that cost nothing or very little.. you could google that together too.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

mchalliar said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> So... my wife and I have been married for 7 years. Two small kids, she's a stay at home mom and I work a normal 9-5er.... We're both in the process of getting in shape and between the two of us, just this year, together we've lost 100lbs. So we're both more energetic and physically healthy but we're not having sex.... or we are, but it feels forced. Like it's an obligation... and honestly, I have no clue on how to turn her on anymore. I do all the normal stuff that's supposed to help turn her on, like be a good dad, take the garbage out without asking, dishes, maintain our cars, good with her family, back rubs, foot rubs, good provider and nothing turns her on. I try and do stuff like parade naked or make sexy flirtatious comments and she just sneers and says, not in the mood. I've talked to her about this and she even admits that SHE doesn't know what turns her on. She IS on anti-depressants and I'm sure that has something to do with her lack of motivation with our sex life. She's even said that it bothers her that she's not in the mood ever. She feels stagnant and I don't know how to help her. And since she doesn't feel like being in the mood, there's no effort to turn me on. We used to occasionally watch an adult movie so I'll ask her if she wants me to put one on and she says, "eh.. no." The only time we have sex is if she walks in the room and says, "wanna have sex?".... When we were dating we'd send each other sexy messages, emails, pictures and it made our love life red hot!!... and now.... all I get is the... pick up milk on your way home or I miss you today. I've initiated by sending a flirty message or even a pic and 99.999% I'll get the "not now" in return. So I've stopped trying. I don't send flirty emails or texts because I don't want to be rejected!... it's exhausting.
> 
> ...



Your wife is a stay at home mom and raises your two kids.

She doesn't work.

I'm sure raising the two kids is a job in itself and drains her.

Her hormones may be off as well, after having the two kids and going to the Dr may be required.

Why doesn't she buy a treadmill and some light weights and train hard at home?

Can she do a part time job at home?

Some schooling at home by correspondence?

There is no way she should be on antidepressants!!

I think she's got comfy and doesn't want to change either.

You have spoiled her badly and are a nice guy.

After working a full time job, you are still doing these things for her to spice it up and help? Wow. What is she doing in return for you????

I say, go to the Dr, find out if her hormones are off and meds might be required to get her energy and libido back.

When you get home from work, she should be happy to see you, dinner ready and the chores done!!! Remember, she chose to stay home, have the 2 kids and not work a full time job.

If she's bored, she should be doing chores and errands 8 hours each day while you work. No garbage to take out. Recycling done. Bathrooms and kitchen cleaned. Dusting done. Dinner ready. Clothes cleaned and ready for you. You name it because that is her job.

Having sex isn't an 8 hour marathon. You could have a quickie in the shower before you go to work. You could have sex after the kids are in bed. You could go out, hire a babysitter and have sex. You could leave the kids at a friends place and have the afternoon or evening for sex. You could have sex in the middle of the night. Many possibilities for both of you.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You don't need money to be romantic or intimate. The other day we got up and hubby said he was going to work on building the wishing well in the front yard out of the scrap lumber. So I know how much he enjoys me being with him when he does his hobbies so ... I followed him around all day and everytime he passed by I reached out and asked where my kiss was or gave him a hug or I patted him on the butt...or brought him his ice tea, held his tools and told him how sexy he looked without his shirt. Just spending time doing things the other person enjoys and paying attention to them will do wonders for your intimacy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

I really think you need to read up on her meds and get an understanding of her cycle and how the meds affect that. It sounds silly but it is really important. At certain times in the cycle a woman prefers a more docile man, at other times, more of an alpha-male, and I am sure the meds play havoc with that. Don't ever expect her to act rationally by your standards in a cause and effect way, but rather try to understand the biochemical process behind her libido.

About being romantic, you have to figure out how she defines romance and do that.


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