# Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

I was talking to a girl at work today about love languages and how I don't feel "acts of service" shows me love. She said that a good friend of hers dated a woman like that (like me) for a year and eventually gave up because he felt he couldn't make her happy.

My soon to be ex would do things like this. Change the oil in my car for me or pick up the kids if I was busy at work. To me, that was just being helpful/making things work for us. It didn't, however, make me feel loved.

So, does that make me hard to please? My top 2 love languages are quality time and gifts (not material gifts, but more random acts of kindness). Would a man just give up if his SO didn't feel loved by him taking her car regularly for service or something like that? I always thanked him for doing those things.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

Acts of service are not a love language for either of us. Yes, we do those things because they need to be done, and that's appreciated - but it doesn't represent love for us. Nor do material gifts represent it - we don't usually give gifts for birthdays, etc. Quality time, physical touch (and sex!), and words of affirmation do it for us.

So, I don't think you need to worry about this - it would help to find a man who has a lot of overlap in the love languages that matter to you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

I feel the urge for an act of service. Wife's BMW needs a wash. I just bought a 2000 psi electric pressure washer... ummm...

Seriously, acts of service are things than need to be done. Otherwise they're gifts. So they are not really standalone in terms of LL...


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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john117 said:


> I feel the urge for an act of service. Wife's BMW needs a wash. I just bought a 2000 psi electric pressure washer... ummm...
> 
> Seriously, acts of service are things than need to be done. Otherwise they're gifts. So they are not really standalone in terms of LL...


According to the LL site, acts of service are "doing things for your spouse that you know they would like for you to do, like cooking or taking out the garbage. Gifts are gestures that show you know the other person and put some effort into a gift that wasn't expected. I guess they are similar, but to me the distinction makes all the difference. When you surprise me with something that shows you know and love me, that shows me love. Getting the oil changed every 4000 miles isn't quite the same....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

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Begin again said:


> I was talking to a girl at work today about love languages and how I don't feel "acts of service" shows me love. She said that a good friend of hers dated a woman like that (like me) for a year and eventually gave up because he felt he couldn't make her happy.
> 
> My soon to be ex would do things like this. Change the oil in my car for me or pick up the kids if I was busy at work. To me, that was just being helpful/making things work for us. It didn't, however, make me feel loved.


Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who does not do these sorts of things? If so, were you ok with that?



Begin again said:


> So, does that make me hard to please? My top 2 love languages are quality time and gifts (not material gifts, but more random acts of kindness). Would a man just give up if his SO didn't feel loved by him taking her car regularly for service or something like that? I always thanked him for doing those things.


Could you describe some things that you think are "random acts of kindness" that would satisfy your need for "gifts"?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

The situation you should avoid then is saying that you want something, like for example having the living room painted a different color, or a new flowerbed dug out and planted, and he goes ahead and does it, but you just think of it as something for the house not for you. 

If you asked for it, then it was a gift to you. It was a gift of time and effort made only because you mentioned it. For an act of service like that, a "thanks" would be pretty hollow indeed. 

I think you can find someone who is on the same page as you, though. Might not be as common as acts of service type guys. Most guys grow up believing that women want a guy who is handy around the house and I'm guessing you find that irrelevant?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

WTF!

You are digging deep to justify your/any divorce. Doing things, even if small, medium or....off the cuff, show his/her concern for you.

What do you want.....flagrant indifference?

A man packing his wife's lunch [or vice-versa] may be a small thing. 

But small things, like drips of water, equal a flood of love when added together.

Should a man/women turn off the water? Allow no drips because they are [viewed to be] wet-lip-service?

Love language is just dandy. But these Main Pillars of your marriage are held up by grains of sand in the footer of your foundation.

Accept and treasure ALL forms of devotion and love.

If you let the sand drift or deliberately divert the sand grains to flow to a nearby sinkhole.....your Marriage fails.

Picky, picky, pr!ckly pear...........pare the Joy from that little Grace that another human divvied out.

Grace offered unconditionally.......at first. 

WTF ! Quit nitpicking. 

Quit sailing on stagnant waters.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



That was odd. Anyway, I don't know. Acts of service is my love language. But I don't think it dooms a relationship if it's not the female partner's love language. I think it dooms a relationship if the other partner does not respect her enough to listen and learn her REAL love language and strive to show her love THAT way. 

I feel you on acts of service. When my husband built or cleaned or fixed something at my house when we didn't live together, I appreciated it more as a special service for me, more so than now when we live together and the act benefits him as well. He seriously tried to tell me that he was showing me that he loved me by cleaning out the interior of the car. Not only do I not care about that, at least 80% of the mess was his!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

If you normally take your car in for service and he thought he would spare you that hassle, then it seems like an act of love to me. If you normally pick up the kids and he thought he would spare you that trip, seems like an act of love. They both could fit your 'random acts of kindness' definition of love.

Apparently, you weren't getting enough quality time which overshadowed his other attempts to make you feel loved. It is difficult for some people to grasp that what makes them happy doesn't necessarily apply to their spouse. They then feel frustrated that their efforts were not amply appreciated. In short, he wasn't filling your love bucket. He thought he was.

Sometimes we need to adjust what we want/need from a partner according to their ability/desire to provide.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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VermisciousKnid said:


> The situation you should avoid then is saying that you want something, like for example having the living room painted a different color, or a new flowerbed dug out and planted, and he goes ahead and does it, but you just think of it as something for the house not for you.
> 
> If you asked for it, then it was a gift to you. It was a gift of time and effort made only because you mentioned it. For an act of service like that, a "thanks" would be pretty hollow indeed.
> 
> I think you can find someone who is on the same page as you, though. Might not be as common as acts of service type guys. Most guys grow up believing that women want a guy who is handy around the house and I'm guessing you find that irrelevant?


Yeah, pretty much. My father was not handy and so I grew up with the idea that if you want your house painted or a new garbage disposal, you hire a painter or a plumber. To me, I'd rather spend a few hours with the man I love than watch him "showing me his love" by painting the living room. Now, if he likes that kind of thing, then he should by all means do it, but don't expect me to fall in love with you for it. In short, I can pay someone to paint my house, but I can't pay someone to know me and show me attention (unless I'm randomdude).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

People frequently say, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," as if that makes for a successful relationship. What they should say is, "Do unto others as they need, ask from others as you need." If you don't feel loved by acts of service, communicate to your partner what would. The problem comes in if you still expect/demand these acts of service but take the attitude that these acts do not count and show no appreciation.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I do not think a partner doing their FAIR SHARE of regular daily housework is an act of service. It's just getting what needs to be done, done.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Blondilocks said:


> If you normally take your car in for service and he thought he would spare you that hassle, then it seems like an act of love to me. If you normally pick up the kids and he thought he would spare you that trip, seems like an act of love. They both could fit your 'random acts of kindness' definition of love.
> 
> Apparently, you weren't getting enough quality time which overshadowed his other attempts to make you feel loved. It is difficult for some people to grasp that what makes them happy doesn't necessarily apply to their spouse. They then feel frustrated that their efforts were not amply appreciated. In short, he wasn't filling your love bucket. He thought he was.
> 
> Sometimes we need to adjust what we want/need from a partner according to their ability/desire to provide.


Well, he liked taking perfect care of his car and just expanded his responsibility to mine when we got together. And again, it's a nice gesture but it doesn't make me feel love. It doesn't touch my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

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Livvie said:


> I do not think a partner doing their FAIR SHARE of regular daily housework is an act of service. It's just getting what needs to be done, done.


Nothing makes work into drudgery faster than someone who does not appreciate the effort.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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zookeeper said:


> People frequently say, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," as if that makes for a successful relationship. What they should say is, "Do unto others as they need, ask from others as you need." If you don't feel loved by acts of service, communicate to your partner what would. The problem comes in if you still expect/demand these acts of service but take the attitude that these acts do not count and show no appreciation.


I always ask for what I want from any partner. If I don't ask for it, then I don't want it. And he didn't want to give what I was asking, then I expected him to say so. Then I could decide if I could accept the answer or not.

Funny... Makes me realize that I was right on point with the only guy I've dated since. I asked him to schedule one night a week that we could have "date night" as he has kids and so do I. He said he couldn't and I told him that I couldn't have a relationship like that. Boundaries are a good thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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zookeeper said:


> Nothing makes work into drudgery faster than someone who does not appreciate the effort.


Not for me. I clean my house because I like a clean home. I like taking care of my place and making it a space I want to be in. I don't need anyone to say "thanks for taking care of it" because I would have done it if I were single and lived alone. And to take responsibility for someone else's work with the expectation of appreciation is an example of "covert contracts" that the NMMNG warns of.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > I do not think a partner doing their FAIR SHARE of regular daily housework is an act of service. It's just getting what needs to be done, done.
> ...


Do you think that someone doing their FAIR SHARE of housework is an act of service? If so, then the default supposition is that whatever household chores someone is doing really isn't their responsibility.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> I always ask for what I want from any partner. If I don't ask for it, then I don't want it. And he didn't want to give what I was asking, then I expected him to say so. Then I could decide if I could accept the answer or not.
> 
> Funny... Makes me realize that I was right on point with the only guy I've dated since. I asked him to schedule one night a week that we could have "date night" as he has kids and so do I. He said he couldn't and I told him that I couldn't have a relationship like that. Boundaries are a good thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like you have a good handle on your feelings. It's not enough to be giving, you have to be able to give what the other person needs. He wasn't. Now he can find someone who wants what he is prepared to offer, and you can find someone who is prepared to offer what you want. Hopefully you will be willing to give what he wants.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Livvie said:


> Do you think that someone doing their FAIR SHARE of housework is an act of service? If so, then the default supposition is that whatever household chores someone is doing really isn't their responsibility.


Well, I suppose it may depend in part on who has decided what the FAIR SHARE is. 

I took on the responsibility for laundry before we were married. There are many ways to fulfill this responsibility ranging from just barely to exceptionally. My performance borders on outstanding. Whether it makes my wife feel loved or not, I don't think it is asking too much to have it included in the overall calculation of my love for her. I choose to put extra effort into the task. I don't have to, and there are reasons that I do. It's not an accident. 

I make great effort to show her love in the ways she most values, but that doesn't exactly mean she can't see my love in the way I handle my daily tasks if she chooses to. It's entirely up to her.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

zookeeper said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Do you think that someone doing their FAIR SHARE of housework is an act of service? If so, then the default supposition is that whatever household chores someone is doing really isn't their responsibility.
> ...


I'm curious! what you do to make the laundry performance outstanding?


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> Yeah, pretty much. My father was not handy and so I grew up with the idea that if you want your house painted or a new garbage disposal, you hire a painter or a plumber. To me, I'd rather spend a few hours with the man I love than watch him "showing me his love" by painting the living room. Now, if he likes that kind of thing, then he should by all means do it, but don't expect me to fall in love with you for it. In short, I can pay someone to paint my house, but I can't pay someone to know me and show me attention (unless I'm randomdude).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough. Just as long as he understands that when you say, "I'd love to have this room repainted in Antique Rose" he knows that it means, "When we can afford it, I'd love to have it painted." It isn't a request, it's a wish, like "Someday I'd like to travel to Bora-Bora". You'd be just fine if it never happened. 

It's definitely a trap for some people. They can make it (projects and improvements) happen, but the motivation to do so has to come from the appreciation. Saying "thank you" isn't appreciation. It's minimal politeness. 

So it's up to a person to recognize when their efforts are for naught and not repeat an action that isn't appreciated.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Livvie said:


> I'm curious! what you do to make the laundry performance outstanding?


OK, I'll bite. A lot of it is timing. No piece of laundry sits in a hamper for more than 2 days. It is exceedingly rare in this house for someone to be looking for a piece of clothing and be told, "It's in the wash." Everyone has everything they need before they know they need it. 

There's plenty more I do with the laundry, but it's not exactly an exciting topic. The main point is that I do a lot more now than I did when I was single. I was perfectly happy to do laundry once a week then, and just wear what was clean. I was never all that hung up on wearing a particular piece of clothing on a particular day, but my wife is. I do more than the job requires as a show of my caring. As I said before, I don't expect it means she gets flush when she sees her workout clothes from yesterday fully laundered and de-funkified the next morning. I also don't expect it to be totally dismissed as meaningless because it's seen as a task that needs to be done. Just as I can articulate my appreciation if my wife takes our daughter on a play date. Yes, that's her responsibility. Yes, I appreciate it. No it doesn't make me feel loved.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> I was talking to a girl at work today about love languages and how I don't feel "acts of service" shows me love. She said that a good friend of hers dated a woman like that (like me) for a year and eventually gave up because he felt he couldn't make her happy.
> 
> My soon to be ex would do things like this. Change the oil in my car for me or pick up the kids if I was busy at work. To me, that was just being helpful/making things work for us. It didn't, however, make me feel loved.
> 
> So, does that make me hard to please? My top 2 love languages are quality time and gifts (not material gifts, but more random acts of kindness). Would a man just give up if his SO didn't feel loved by him taking her car regularly for service or something like that? I always thanked him for doing those things.


Changing your oil isn't a random act of kindness?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> Not for me. I clean my house because I like a clean home. I like taking care of my place and making it a space I want to be in. I don't need anyone to say "thanks for taking care of it" because I would have done it if I were single and lived alone. And to take responsibility for someone else's work with the expectation of appreciation is an example of "covert contracts" that the NMMNG warns of.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So I suppose you do nothing differently for your partner than what you would do for yourself if you lived alone? If so, that would likely qualify as relationship doom. A relationship without mutual concern and generosity will at best be a less than fulfilling relationship. 

Also, if a couple comes to an agreement on who does what around the house, what exactly is covert about that? Does it mean that you can't appreciate what they do, just because they agreed to do it?


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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sokillme said:


> Changing your oil isn't a random act of kindness?


Well, it's not random since it needs to be done at set intervals. Now, if I was headed out of town and my car really did need an oil change and I didn't have time and he knew it and surprised me with having it done for me... THAT is a random act of kindness. Otherwise it's just an item on the to do list, like changing the sheets or mopping the floor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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zookeeper said:


> So I suppose you do nothing differently for your partner than what you would do for yourself if you lived alone? If so, that would likely qualify as relationship doom. A relationship without mutual concern and generosity will at best be a less than fulfilling relationship.
> 
> Also, if a couple comes to an agreement on who does what around the house, what exactly is covert about that? Does it mean that you can't appreciate what they do, just because they agreed to do it?


Actually, I just see that as a "functional" relationship. That we had down pretty well. We had a clear division of responsibilities and equal contribution to the house, childcare, and finances. But there was no love and him taking care of my car on a regular basis didn't change a thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

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Begin again said:


> Actually, I just see that as a "functional" relationship. That we had down pretty well. We had a clear division of responsibilities and equal contribution to the house, childcare, and finances. But there was no love and him taking care of my car on a regular basis didn't change a thing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would say that is a symptom of a much more fundamentally flawed relationship and not a cause.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



zookeeper said:


> I would say that is a symptom of a much more fundamentally flawed relationship and not a cause.


Yes, indeed. We "played house" perfectly. But I need to be loved in another way than "acts of service." 

For example, I used to leave him little notes in his day planner (remember those?) just to say hi and let him know I was thinking about him. To me that is a "random act of kindness." But that didn't matter to him and he never even mentioned them to me, so I stopped. I would dress up nice for him and he'd say "Are you wearing make up?" Rather than tell me I look pretty. So, that stopped, too. i guess I just need a man who sees me, who loves me, who knows me. I'll get my own oil changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

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zookeeper said:


> So I suppose you do nothing differently for your partner than what you would do for yourself if you lived alone? If so, that would likely qualify as relationship doom. A relationship without mutual concern and generosity will at best be a less than fulfilling relationship.
> 
> Also, if a couple comes to an agreement on who does what around the house, what exactly is covert about that? Does it mean that you can't appreciate what they do, just because they agreed to do it?


I get where she's coming from. There are things you have to do to keep things running and those aren't special or personal. There are things you can do that are special and/or personal. That's the difference. 

It ties in to the "equitable distribution of work" problem. Doing your fair share of "keep things running" tasks isn't a gift. It's expected. Going above and beyond your fair share only makes sense when the other party can't do the work because they're sick or some extenuating circumstances present themselves. I think that's true no matter what your partner's LL is. 

So if your partner's LL is gifts, make sure that they do their fair share of keeping things running so you don't get too resentful to provide gifts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> My soon to be ex would do things like this. Change the oil in my car for me ..... To me, that was just being helpful/making things work for us. It didn't, however, make me feel loved.


The way I see this is that doing things for my car is my responsibility, not my husband's. It's my car. So if were to ever do something like change the oil, I'd see it as an act of service. 

I know that couples divide chores differently, but in this case that's how I'd see it.

No I probably see it like that since I've never had anyone be so kind as to help with anything related to my car. And I don't assume that is someone else's responsibility.



Begin again said:


> My soon to be ex would do things like this. ...... pick up the kids if I was busy at work. To me, that was just being helpful/making things work for us. It didn't, however, make me feel loved.


Now this is different because they are his children too. This is not an act of service. So you two share the responsibility equally for taking care of the children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

If a spouse is fully aware that their partner has done such-and-such as an act of service and therefore did it lovingly, then how should they react to that act of service? 

With complaints? Or with the acknowledgement that the action was sent with love and received with love.

Because if an act of service is ignored by the recipient then maybe they they do not live the spouse as much as they should?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

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MattMatt said:


> If a spouse is fully aware that their partner has done such-and-such as an act of service and therefore did it lovingly, then how should they react to that act of service?
> 
> With complaints? Or with the acknowledgement that the action was sent with love and received with love.
> 
> ...


The basic idea of an "act of service" is doing some task that the other person wants you to do. If you would normally empty the dishwasher but your wife mentioned how she's really like some help in the kitchen, then that is an act of service. But if you've agreed that you do X and I'll do Y as part of your daily responsibilities, then you are just doing what you've agreed to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

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sokillme said:


> Changing your oil isn't a random act of kindness?


I'd rather take her pride and joy to the right place where I know it will be done right, versus taking it to a no name place... saves me headaches later on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> Yes, indeed. We "played house" perfectly. But I need to be loved in another way than "acts of service."
> 
> For example, I used to leave him little notes in his day planner (remember those?) just to say hi and let him know I was thinking about him. To me that is a "random act of kindness." But that didn't matter to him and he never even mentioned them to me, so I stopped. I would dress up nice for him and he'd say "Are you wearing make up?" Rather than tell me I look pretty. So, that stopped, too. i guess I just need a man who sees me, who loves me, who knows me. I'll get my own oil changes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think the key to this is both parties making an effort to understand the signals they need and the signals they are sending out. So if you understand that your wife needs you do some of that. If you understand that this is your husbands way of showing love you appreciate it. 

Bottom line like I always advocate on here. You both need to talk about it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



sokillme said:


> I think the key to this is both parties making an effort to understand the signals they need and the signals they are sending out. So if you understand that your wife needs you do some of that. If you understand that this is your husbands way of showing love you appreciate it.
> 
> Bottom like like I always advocate on here. You both need to talk about it.


---Bottom line

WHERE IS THE EDIT BUTTON!:banghead:

It's back!


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

This thread is confusing to me. 

"Eventually gave up because he felt he couldn't make her happy" 

So the husband was doing chores around the house instead of being romantic or avoiding quality time? 

Or is the wife not explaining what she wants & the guy is expected to know what to do? 

I don't understand, if I want romantic & quality time I explain exactly what I need to be done & he does it. 
I can't just say give me romance & except him to read my mind. 










Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

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Blondilocks said:


> If you normally take your car in for service and he thought he would spare you that hassle, then it seems like an act of love to me. If you normally pick up the kids and he thought he would spare you that trip, seems like an act of love. They both could fit your 'random acts of kindness' definition of love.
> 
> Apparently, you weren't getting enough quality time which overshadowed his other attempts to make you feel loved. * It is difficult for some people to grasp that what makes them happy doesn't necessarily apply to their spouse. They then feel frustrated that their efforts were not amply appreciated. In short, he wasn't filling your love bucket. He thought he was.*
> 
> Sometimes we need to adjust what we want/need from a partner according to their ability/desire to provide.



Great post.. Love languages may seem like a small thing.. but they can cause an awful lot of misunderstandings when they are off.. the wider the differences.. the more the misunderstanding.. 

I look at it this way.. we are all selfish creatures in some areas.. we want what we want, we crave what we crave -for whatever reason.. this makes us unique & who we are.. we also love / show our love in different ways.... to find a mate who feels similar, who really "gets us".... ..who naturally has an inclination to give & receive in these areas that we do...(Maybe this isn't always so easy to find -is the problem)... but it's true...things just flow so much smoother...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

I had to learn that my husband really didn't give a rip if the house looked like John Belushi & cronies lived there or if it looked like it was right out of a designer magazine.

But, he would notice a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies and then I was the very best wife in the whole wide, wide world of sports.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

I had to learn that one of the acts that is most important to Mr H is to be pampered when he is unwell. It actually takes a real conscious effort on my part as nurturing does not always come easy to me. I can cook/clean/drive around doing things for people/volunteer etc in an almost unlimited capacity for those I love but real nurturing when they are sick is not automatic. But I am learning to be better at it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> I was talking to a girl at work today about love languages and how I don't feel "acts of service" shows me love. She said that a good friend of hers dated a woman like that (like me) for a year and eventually gave up because he felt he couldn't make her happy.
> 
> My soon to be ex would do things like this. Change the oil in my car for me or pick up the kids if I was busy at work. To me, that was just being helpful/making things work for us. It didn't, however, make me feel loved.
> 
> So, does that make me hard to please? My top 2 love languages are quality time and gifts (not material gifts, but more random acts of kindness). Would a man just give up if his SO didn't feel loved by him taking her car regularly for service or something like that? I always thanked him for doing those things.


What's missing is you two DISCUSSING what makes each of you feel loved, so that the other person can (if they so choose) show you love in the way YOU need it. 

Example. My biggest need is a nice home (childhood issues). I don't care that much what people think of me, but my house is a big deal. My H, OTOH, very much cares what people think of him. And he's let all three of our houses over the years fall apart, to my shame. So every year, I'd get him tools so taking care of the house would be easier. He'd give me clothes and jewelry and perfume. And neither of us would use the stuff the other one gave us. HE wanted nice clothes and cologne and jewelry. I wanted a taken care of house. 

When I finally figured this out, I gave up on the house and just started giving him nice clothes, cologne, and jewelry. It took a little longer (and our daughter's insistence) for him to get it, and to start giving me a weedeater, new grill, lighting, etc. 

But now we're both much happier.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



MrsHolland said:


> I had to learn that one of the acts that is most important to Mr H is to be pampered when he is unwell. It actually takes a real conscious effort on my part as nurturing does not always come easy to me. I can cook/clean/drive around doing things for people/volunteer etc in an almost unlimited capacity for those I love but real nurturing when they are sick is not automatic. But I am learning to be better at it


I'm the same way! My mom was a no-nonsense nurse who didn't coddle people, so that's how I grew up. My H's mom smothered him in attention. I just want to be left alone when I'm sick, he wants TLC. Took me a long time to figure that out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

To answer the question in the thread title, NO it does NOT doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need acts of service. What dooms a relationship is a partner's unwillingness to meet the needs that the other DOES have. Pretty simple.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



MrsAldi said:


> I don't understand, if I want romantic & quality time I explain exactly what I need to be done & he does it.
> 
> I can't just say give me romance & except him to read my mind.


You must not have gotten the memo. We are expected to be mind readers. Doing everything a spouse asks you without question is certainly not enough. You have to do it before they even think about it and you have to enjoy whatever it is no matter what or you are a horrible spouse to some.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



BetrayedDad said:


> You must not have gotten the memo. We are expected to be mind readers. Doing everything a spouse asks you without question is certainly not enough. You have to do it before they even think about it and you have to enjoy whatever it is no matter what or you are a horrible spouse to some.


I don't understand at all! 
My memo most have got lost in the post! 
How can one be a horrible spouse if they have no clue of what you need? 
Just explain properly. That's all I'm saying. 
Hate this mixed messages or subtle hints crap. 
Honestly I think if someone uses that method if you want your spouse to fail & then you have the power to be critical. 
Anytime I explain honestly about what I need, my husband always does his best. 
Just my thoughts. 



Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

99% of the fights I used to have with my ex would go something like this:

Her: Can you vacuum the carpet? It's dirty.

Me: Sure, no problem. *Grabs vacuum and comes back 15 mins later*

Her: *Visibly upset*

Me: What's wrong?

Her: The house is a mess and you never help me!!! (Lie btw I did 50% of the choirs)

Me: I JUST vacuumed the carpet like you asked me too.

Her: But I shouldn't have to ask you! You should of seen it was dirty!

Me: It looked fine to me but you asked me to help so I took care of it.

Her: I'm so overwhelmed!!! Why won't you help me!!!! *Starts crying.....* 

Me: *Clueless why she's upset when I did exactly what I was told*


Thank god, I got away from that nut job. God my life is so much easier now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

If someone knows their spouse does something because they love them even if it is just brewing a pot of tea, then the correct response should be "thank you!" not building up a steaming cauldron of resentment because... "Well, just BECAUSE!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



BetrayedDad said:


> 99% of the fights I used to have with my ex would go something like this:
> 
> Her: Can you vacuum the carpet? It's dirty.
> 
> ...


I'm sure she's saying the same. If you are waiting around to be told what to do, you're a child, not a partner. No, you shouldn't read minds (you seem super bitter about this), but you could also say "what can I do to make you less overwhelmed?" Sounds like the trouble was with both of you not communicating, her being high-strung, and you being dismissive and misogynistic.

ETA: my husband also insists he does 50% of the chores, but he definitely does not. He contributes to the household and cooks, but does not often take care of indoor maintenance tasks like washing dishes, laundry, or vacuuming. I've tried the "wait til he notices the dirt thing" and he'll complain about it for a few days, and when I tell him that he's welcome to take care of it, stalls a bit more, then grudgingly completes the task. I think his distaste for washing dishes and the length of time he spends doing it inflates it in his mind and makes him falsely think he does more. It can take him 4 days to do one sink full of dishes. Seriously it's like day 1: notice, make light remarks. Day 2: "wow, we" (which means "you") "really need to get on these dishes. Day 3: After being told he can take care of dishes, "FINE, I will." Goes outside to weed, take a walk, etc Day 4:"Soaks" dishes, Day 5: Washes dishes. By the time he actually starts washing dishes, there are twice as many as there were when he first noticed.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> I'm sure she's saying the same. If you are waiting around to be told what to do, you're a child, not a partner. No, you shouldn't read minds (you seem super bitter about this), but you could also say "what can I do to make you less overwhelmed?" Sounds like the trouble was with both of you not communicating, her being high-strung, and you being dismissive and misogynistic.


Seems more childish to me that someone expects their will to be done without ever voicing it. A grown up communicates clearly. 

Make sure you recognize that your expectations go both ways. If one person is responsible to make continued inquiries about how to be of service, the other will have the same obligation. 

Also, can you explain how BetrayedDad is a misogynist? Frustration over someone's hidden agenda seems like a natural and appropriate reaction to me.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



MattMatt said:


> If someone knows their spouse does something because they love them even if it is just brewing a pot of tea, then the correct response should be "thank you!" not building up a steaming cauldron of resentment because... "Well, just BECAUSE!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not resentment. Someone whose love language is not acts of service thinks, "oh great, tea!" and says thank you. When it's thrown in her face as evidence that the partner loves her, or that she should do something for him because he made her the tea, THAT'S when the problem starts.

My husband likes to give me little gifts, often flowers. I've told him multiple times that I don't really like flowers, gently at first, and a few times told him "do not buy or pick me flowers." I think they're a waste of money, then the petals start falling off, and they die, and I have to throw them out with the yucky water and wash the vase. Yet he keeps bringing flowers and expecting me to get thrilled about them, especially when it's a supposed conciliatory gesture when we have an argument. Then he says "what about all those times I got you flowers?" And I'm the jerk for pointing out that it's been against my wishes. It's sooo irritating.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



zookeeper said:


> Seems more childish to me that someone expects their will to be done without ever voicing it. A grown up communicates clearly.
> 
> Make sure you recognize that your expectations go both ways. If one person is responsible to make continued inquiries about how to be of service, the other will have the same obligation.
> 
> Also, can you explain how BetrayedDad is a misogynist? Frustration over someone's hidden agenda seems like a natural and appropriate reaction to me.


I said both need to communicate... and that's what you said... It's not at all childish to expect someone to help maintain the home they live in, though. I got it just from the tone of his comments, though it may not be accurate. It just seems a common male insult to "irrational" women that they're "nut jobs" for being upset and crying. Her problem was that she didn't communicate with him, and him with her, not that she was visibly upset, crying, or a nut job. Maybe she was a nut job, but there wasn't enough information in the post for us to extrapolate that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> I'm sure she's saying the same. If you are waiting around to be told what to do, you're a child, not a partner. No, you shouldn't read minds (you seem super bitter about this), but you could also say "what can I do to make you less overwhelmed?" Sounds like the trouble was with both of you not communicating, her being high-strung, and you being dismissive and misogynistic.


Project much? I'm not your husband nor was yours put on this earth to cater to you like you apparently believe is the case.

Good luck to him.

And FYI she was a nut job. Believe or not some people are crazy.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> I said both need to communicate... and that's what you said... It's not at all childish to expect someone to help maintain the home they live in, though. I got it just from the tone of his comments, though it may not be accurate. It just seems a common male insult to "irrational" women that they're "nut jobs" for being upset and crying. Her problem was that she didn't communicate with him, and him with her, not that she was visibly upset, crying, or a nut job. Maybe she was a nut job, but there wasn't enough information in the post for us to extrapolate that. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so...


Based upon what you added in your edit, it seems that his post triggered you because of your own personal situation. Just because your husband is wrong that he does half the housework doesn't mean another man is. I try to take all posters at their word unless they give real reason to think otherwise.

Funny that you don't think there is enough info in his post to conclude that his ex was a nut, but apparently there was enough info for you to conclude that he is a misogynist.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> I was talking to a girl at work today about love languages and how I don't feel "acts of service" shows me love. She said that a good friend of hers dated a woman like that (like me) for a year and eventually gave up because he felt he couldn't make her happy.


Acts of Service can show that you care about someone, but does not express romantic or passionate love. We also show our care to other people such as parents, siblings, and friends through acts of service.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> I've tried the "wait til he notices the dirt thing"


This is childish, work on your communication skill rather than employ passive aggressive behavior. If you married a slob then that's your problem. I did 50% of the indoor choirs AND 100% of the outside ones.

Now since I dumped the irrational lunatic that was my ex. I do 100% of both (same house) and people are shocked how clean it is (since I'm a guy, ya know?). Keep your assumptions to yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> It's not resentment. Someone whose love language is not acts of service thinks, "oh great, tea!" and says thank you. When it's thrown in her face as evidence that the partner loves her, or that she should do something for him because he made her the tea, THAT'S when the problem starts.
> 
> My husband likes to give me little gifts, often flowers. I've told him multiple times that I don't really like flowers, gently at first, and a few times told him "do not buy or pick me flowers." I think they're a waste of money, then the petals start falling off, and they die, and I have to throw them out with the yucky water and wash the vase. Yet he keeps bringing flowers and expecting me to get thrilled about them, especially when it's a supposed conciliatory gesture when we have an argument. Then he says "what about all those times I got you flowers?" And I'm the jerk for pointing out that it's been against my wishes. It's sooo irritating.


Could you ask him for pot plants instead? If you like them that is.

Incidentally my wife always told me to NEVER, EVER buy her flowers.

Until one day she said tearfully "Why is it that you never buy me flowers?" I went  and calmly reminded her that she had told me never to get her flowers.

She acknowledged this and said: "Well, I have changed my mind!" 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



MattMatt said:


> Could you ask him for pot plants instead? If you like them that is.
> 
> Incidentally my wife always told me to NEVER, EVER buy her flowers.
> 
> ...


Communication is key! lol


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



BetrayedDad said:


> This is childish, work on your communication skill rather than employ passive aggressive behavior. If you married a slob then that's your problem. I did 50% of the indoor choirs AND 100% of the outside ones.
> 
> Now since I dumped the irrational lunatic that was my ex. I do 100% of both (same house) and people are shocked how clean it is (since I'm a guy, ya know?). Keep your assumptions to yourself.


You said yourself that your ex wanted you to clean things that "looked fine" to you. This is a common reason (excuse) men give for not helping out around the house. They don't see dirt the same way, or have a higher tolerance for things being dirty. I was not being childish or passive-aggressive. I was waiting to see when he would "notice" the mess and take initiative to clean it. I should not have to be responsible for cleaning everything just because someone else claims not to notice the mess, nor do I want to have to supervise the cleaning efforts of an adult like I'm his mom or overseer. Cleaning isn't fun for women, either.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



> Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"


I think it's more a question of alignment vs. a specific language. 

My ex and I were very different. He was a strong "acts of service" and low on QT and affirmation. I am exactly opposite.

My H and I are exactly aligned in ranking all 5 languages. :grin2:

Like your childhood experience, we hire for most of our odd jobs around our home. I have a housecleaner and a gardener b/c our schedule is simply too unpredictable to know whether we'll have time to clean the house and pull weeds on the weekends, even though I love my garden. We both enjoy cooking, so we do that ourselves.

I think relationships can certainly improve with awareness of spouses' LLs and being deliberate about giving the other what they want, even when it may not be your own primary language. I do think it's a lot easier, however, when the spouses' LLs align.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> You said yourself that your ex wanted you to clean things that "looked fine" to you. This is a common reason (excuse) men give for not helping out around the house. They don't see dirt the same way, or have a higher tolerance for things being dirty. I was not being childish or passive-aggressive. I was waiting to see when he would "notice" the mess and take initiative to clean it. I should not have to be responsible for cleaning everything just because someone else claims not to notice the mess, nor do I want to have to supervise the cleaning efforts of an adult like I'm his mom or overseer. Cleaning isn't fun for women, either.


Consider for a moment "clean" is a subjective term based on an individual's standards. If someone is OCD like she was about cleaning is it also my burden to bare or should the other person learn to take it down a notch? I don't perceive dirt like she did because she was a germiphobe who at one point in her teens frequently used to wash her hands until they bled. Yes really.

Despite all that I was belittled because I didn't see the crumb on the floor and immediately whip out the vacuum. Telling me to do it wasn't enough nor was me doing it I mmediately going to make her happy. Though I certainly tried. I had to THINK like her or else I was a monster. My new girlfriend thinks I'm a clean freak. Go figure. Not every situation is like yours and not all men are pigs.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> It's not resentment. Someone whose love language is not acts of service thinks, "oh great, tea!" and says thank you. When it's thrown in her face as evidence that the partner loves her, or that she should do something for him because he made her the tea, THAT'S when the problem starts.
> 
> My husband likes to give me little gifts, often flowers. I've told him multiple times that I don't really like flowers, gently at first, and a few times told him "do not buy or pick me flowers." I think they're a waste of money, then the petals start falling off, and they die, and I have to throw them out with the yucky water and wash the vase. Yet he keeps bringing flowers and expecting me to get thrilled about them, especially when it's a supposed conciliatory gesture when we have an argument. Then he says "what about all those times I got you flowers?" And I'm the jerk for pointing out that it's been against my wishes. It's sooo irritating.


I'm going to get hammered for this but oh well..............

I find it really sad and grumpy when people cannot appreciate getting flowers. That something so simple yet amazingly beautiful can bring out unhappiness in some is just beyond me. 

The first time Mr H gave me flowers he was really nervous, I could not figure out why until months later the full extent of his ex's MH issues were revealed to me. He had given her flowers years earlier and she threw them on the floor. Far out that is just the most bizarre behaviour. 

People give flowers because they want to see the receiver smile, if this is a bad thing the the world is doomed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



BetrayedDad said:


> Consider for a moment "clean" is a subjective term based on an individual's standards. If someone is OCD like she was about cleaning is it also my burden to bare or should the other person learn to take it down a notch? I don't perceive dirt like she did because she was a germiphobe who at one point in her teens frequently used to wash her hands until they bled. Yes really.
> 
> Despite all that I was belittled because I didn't see the crumb on the floor and immediately whip out the vacuum. Telling me to do it wasn't enough nor was me doing it I mmediately going to make her happy. Though I certainly tried. I had to THINK like her or else I was a monster. My new girlfriend thinks I'm a clean freak. Go figure. Not every situation is like yours and not all men are pigs.


My wife describes it like this. It is as if she can hear misplaced objects or unclean ed dishes 'calling to her'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> It's not resentment. Someone whose love language is not acts of service thinks, "oh great, tea!" and says thank you. When it's thrown in her face as evidence that the partner loves her, or that she should do something for him because he made her the tea, THAT'S when the problem starts.
> 
> My husband likes to give me little gifts, often flowers. I've told him multiple times that I don't really like flowers, gently at first, and a few times told him "do not buy or pick me flowers." I think they're a waste of money, then the petals start falling off, and they die, and I have to throw them out with the yucky water and wash the vase. Yet he keeps bringing flowers and expecting me to get thrilled about them, especially when it's a supposed conciliatory gesture when we have an argument. Then he says "what about all those times I got you flowers?" And I'm the jerk for pointing out that it's been against my wishes. It's sooo irritating.


This is a great example of someone taking an action on a relationship because it's what they know rather than it's what makes the other person feel good/loved. I mean, does he really like giving flowers or is it just easy and according to what society tells him, a "nice" thing to do. He obviously isn't listening to his wife, can't be bothered to think about what might be good instead of flowers. In short, he's lazy - which to me spells relationship doom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



MattMatt said:


> If someone knows their spouse does something because they love them even if it is just brewing a pot of tea, then the correct response should be "thank you!" not building up a steaming cauldron of resentment because... "Well, just BECAUSE!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let's not get things confused. Yes, of course say thank you. But just because you feel like something is a nice gesture doesn't mean the other person has any real feelings about it or should have them. 

So, a guy at work spills his cup of water across his desk, so I hand him the extra napkins I have in my drawer. Maybe I even go grab him some from the break room, just to be helpful. He should say "thank you" but he shouldn't think im trying to get him to have feelings for me. And I can't imagine anyone falling for someone else because they make them tea or bring them napkins. 

Now, if I'm resentful about someone bringing me tea or napkins, it's because I'm in a committed relationship that's on the rocks and rather than my partner listening to what makes me feel love, they make gestures like tea when tea isn't helping. I know the Brits love their tea, but it doesn't fix a bad relationship. Put the kettle down and listen to your partner, especially when she says "please stop putting your thought and energy into making me tea. I don't need that. I need [fill in the blank]."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> Let's not get things confused. Yes, of course say thank you. But just because you feel like something is a nice gesture doesn't mean the other person has any real feelings about it or should have them.
> 
> So, a guy at work spills his cup of water across his desk, so I hand him the extra napkins I have in my drawer. Maybe I even go grab him some from the break room, just to be helpful. He should say "thank you" but he shouldn't think im trying to get him to have feelings for me. And I can't imagine anyone falling for someone else because they make them tea or bring them napkins.
> 
> ...


But it should all be part of the whole package.

Making tea or coffee, cleaning the house or getting a meal ready -even when it isn't your turn- running a bath for your spouse when you know they'll be tired after work, getting them a glass of beer or wine, listening to them talking smack about their stupid, horrible colleagues, when you know that your spouse is really probably 50-50 to blame for ill feelings in their workplace, cuddling them, making love if they are wanting some loving, buying them little gifts, making some stuff for them if you are skilled enough.

But problems might arise should the wife mistake her husband for the valet or the husband mistakes his wife for the maid.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



MattMatt said:


> But it should all be part of the whole package.
> 
> Making tea or coffee, cleaning the house or getting a meal ready -even when it isn't your turn- running a bath for your spouse when you know they'll be tired after work, getting them a glass of beer or wine, listening to them talking smack about their stupid, horrible colleagues, when you know that your spouse is really probably 50-50 to blame for ill feelings in their workplace, cuddling them, making love if they are wanting some loving, buying them little gifts, making some stuff for them if you are skilled enough.
> 
> But problems might arise should the wife mistake her husband for the valet or the husband mistakes his wife for the maid.


I can agree with all of the above. When I am in love, I really want to cook you a nice meal, for example. I want to make our home feel like a loving, comfortable place to be. But if the love is on its death bed and you've told him so, please don't make me tea or bring me flowers. It's not going to help and eventually will cause resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



Begin again said:


> I can agree with all of the above. When I am in love, I really want to cook you a nice meal, for example. I want to make our home feel like a loving, comfortable place to be. But if the love is on its death bed and you've told him so, please don't make me tea or bring me flowers. It's not going to help and eventually will cause resentment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because it is false, hollow. The gesture might be there, but the emotional connection is not.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*



rileyawes said:


> It's not resentment. Someone whose love language is not acts of service thinks, "oh great, tea!" and says thank you. When it's thrown in her face as evidence that the partner loves her, or that she should do something for him because he made her the tea, THAT'S when the problem starts.
> 
> My husband likes to give me little gifts, often flowers. I've told him multiple times that I don't really like flowers, gently at first, and a few times told him "do not buy or pick me flowers." I think they're a waste of money, then the petals start falling off, and they die, and I have to throw them out with the yucky water and wash the vase. Yet he keeps bringing flowers and expecting me to get thrilled about them, especially when it's a supposed conciliatory gesture when we have an argument. Then he says "what about all those times I got you flowers?" And I'm the jerk for pointing out that it's been against my wishes. It's sooo irritating.


I don't think my husband has ever bought me flowers as early on I told him I'd rather him not waste his money.. although pretty.. I'm sorta like you.. that just doesn't do much for me.. I'm also not an "Acts of service " type.. 

But if you don't want to spend time with me. or touch me... I'm not going to feel Loved... Those are what I crave on a daily basis... that's romance to my soul... togetherness with a lot of physical affection...

With us.. at least we feel the same.. all our love languages are in the same order.. which surely helps...

If I was met with what you described here.. I can just FEEL your FRUSTRATION...is he deaf, dumb? Crazy the disconnect on these things..... 

Sounds you have spelled it out - to no avail...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Does it doom a relationship if the woman doesn't need "Acts of Service?"*

If someone you love deeply does an act of service for you, and even it's not something you particular want, you might smile to yourself and think: "Oh, my poor husband/wife! They are dumb, but I do love them!"

But if you get an act of service from them and you have a high level of resentment -for whatever reason- you aren't going to smile about it. It's just another reason why your ****ing spouse doesn't "get" you!


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