# Physical Effects of Divorce



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

After sixteen years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. I don't want it and want to keep trying to work on things, but I'm given up on making amends and making things work. His mind is made up. Our daughter passed away five years ago and, basically, he said I'm too stuck in my grief and don't want to live life. I disagree but whatever. 

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I currently am a paraprofessional at a local school and love my job. I have a teaching license and I need to go back to teaching full-time. I took some time off of that after my daughter died and did some soul-searching. Since my husband and I made the decision to divorce, I picked up a nanny job after school and am aggressively applying for teaching jobs. I'm tired and scared, but keep moving forward as best I can.

Now, back to the reason for my post, I feel horrible physically. My stomach is a mess. I have no appetite and have lost a lot of weight, which I really didn't need to lose in the first place. I have stomach cramps all the time and spend lots of time in the bathroom. I've tried to eat a lot of yogurt as a probiotic and drink lots of water, but this has not helped. I can't sleep. I exercise regularly and thought this may make me tired at night, but to no avail. I've cut out caffeine and have started meditating and praying for 10 minutes a day. I feel dizzy and completely exhausted. All in all, I feel like I'm on complete overload...trying to make ends meet, get a job, and cope with this divorce. 

Has anyone else been in this place? Any ideas or advice?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Yes. I was divorced after 24 years of marriage. I did not want it either. In the span of less than one month, she left, I sold our house, I closed my business, I took a corporate job and moved to a new city 125 miles from where I had lived for those 24 years, away from all my friends. The only person I knew in the town I moved to was my daughter.

I suffered severe anxiety and depression. During all of this time I lost 45 pounds. I went from 235 to 190 pounds in about three months. I stopped eating properly. I exercised like crazy. I had intense diarrhea. My heart raced. I didn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I just wanted to die. I would have killed myself had I known that anybody but my daughter would have found my body. I wanted to kill her. I fantasized about a murder suicide. I thought my life was over.

Before I moved I went to a doctor and was given an antidepressant and Zoloft. I was told to take the Zoloft "as needed". Well, I needed it a lot. I ate it like candy. I went thru a 90 days supply in a month. When I got to my new place, I went to a different doctor. He took me off Zoloft and put me on klonopin, which I was also advised to take only as needed, I ate it like candy.
The new job was anything but what I hoped it would be. I hated it. I had been self employed for over 15 years and hated the constraints, rules, and political correctness of the corporate world. I lashed out. After I started taking the klonopin it got worse. I don't normally have nervous sweat. But my shirts would be soaked and I started looking for anything or someone to take my frustrations out on. Eventually corporate security came in and did an intervention.

I went home that night and realized that all of this, everything, was mental. So I stopped taking the meds cold turkey. I decided all the meds did was mask the problem. I needed to solve the problem myself. I started seeing a therapist. I started reading books and I decided I needed to retake control of my life.

So yes, I have been what you are going thru. You will make it. You will come out stronger than before. Right now it is tough. You are transitioning between your old life and your new one. You are under a lot of stress. But know this - better days are ahead.

Some people will tell you get on meds. I will advise you otherwise. Get to a therapist and find some friends you can talk to. Make yourself understand what is happening to you and figure out a plan to take back your life, learn whatever lessons there are from your pain and retake control of your life.

My recovery really took off when I realized that no one is coming to save me. People might care but I was the only one who could save myself. So I did.

Today it is 3.5 years since I divorced. I decided to stay where I am. I have restarted my business, so once again I am self employed and in charge of my schedule and my life. I am doing better than I ever did before. I have more money that I ever did before. I bought a house and I have travelled. I have invested in myself and I have opened many new doors to myself professionally. I have regained my lost weight, but still exercise regularly but not compulsively as I had before. In short I have more freedom than I could have ever imagined.

That is not to say everything is perfect. I am still a work in progress, but I know tomorrow will be better than yesterday, and the day after that will better still. Instead of dreading my future I am actually looking forward to it. So will you.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine the pain that comes with losing a child. 

It sounds like all of the BIG things in life are in the air or suffering (work, relationships, health) and that can cause a lot of anxiety. Humans want to feel like they are in control and when we're not, it often causes extreme anxiety and distress. 

To be honest, it will probably be really hard on you physically and mentally as you try to sort through this. What is your support system like? Is there anyone who can help you out at this time? 

I really suggest counselling if you can swing it but if not, what I've found to be incredibly helpful with anxiety and distress are two things: Headspace (a meditation app that you can get a free trial for) and Yoga with Adriene (free yoga classes on YouTube...really really relaxing and only 20-30 minutes). Baths also help. 

I think that your work outs could be causing more problems than not. Your body is already being taxed with the stress so instead of doing anything more physically taxing, you really need to do less physically intense exercises (like yoga, walks, swimming etc). 

Do you have friends or family nearby?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Try a doctor of functional medicine.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

ktheuerkauf said:


> After sixteen years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. I don't want it and want to keep trying to work on things, but I'm given up on making amends and making things work. His mind is made up. Our daughter passed away five years ago and, basically, he said I'm too stuck in my grief and don't want to live life. I disagree but whatever.
> 
> I'm absolutely heartbroken. I currently am a paraprofessional at a local school and love my job. I have a teaching license and I need to go back to teaching full-time. I took some time off of that after my daughter died and did some soul-searching. Since my husband and I made the decision to divorce, I picked up a nanny job after school and am aggressively applying for teaching jobs. I'm tired and scared, but keep moving forward as best I can.
> 
> ...


Sorry for your lost. I can't begin to imagine your pain. 

Recently, with all the things going on in my life. I started to get anxiety and my stomach would be a mess. So, I started to mediate. It is helping to calm me down. Sometimes, I think I carry my problems in my stomach. Also, had blood work done and it came back that I was severely anemic. I did not know that be anemic can cause you to feel tired, not sleep at night and stomach issues and mimic heart problems. But it does.

A few years ago, I started feeling funny. Stomach was messy, digestion was bad. Had all kinds of small problems; heart palpitations, numbness, tiredness, foggy memory....I had developed a sensitivity to gluten. 
Once, I removed gluten from my diet all of those problems went away.

I would advise you go see a doc. Have a good blood work done....check for anemia and your thyroid hormones.

In the meantime, just stay away from gluten for a few days and see if that helps. 

I hope you feel better soon. Stay in contact and let us know how you are doing.
Many hugs and blessings.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

brooklynAnn said:


> Sorry for your lost. I can't begin to imagine your pain.
> 
> Recently, with all the things going on in my life. I started to get anxiety and my stomach would be a mess. So, I started to mediate. It is helping to calm me down. Sometimes, I think I carry my problems in my stomach. Also, had blood work done and it came back that I was severely anemic. I did not know that be anemic can cause you to feel tired, not sleep at night and stomach issues and mimic heart problems. But it does.
> 
> ...


We're twins! Although I didn't do the exams, I have the same issues.. I cut out dairy and gluten as these cause issues in most people. The gut is also considered the second brain. Veryyy key in telling you when things aren't okay and connected to both depression and anxiety.

Meditation is amazing! It's actually been proven to change the physical matter in your brain. It's not just spiritual anymore :smthumbup:!


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

ktheuerkauf said:


> After sixteen years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. I don't want it and want to keep trying to work on things, but I'm given up on making amends and making things work. His mind is made up. Our daughter passed away five years ago and, basically, he said I'm too stuck in my grief and don't want to live life. I disagree but whatever.
> 
> I'm absolutely heartbroken. I currently am a paraprofessional at a local school and love my job. I have a teaching license and I need to go back to teaching full-time. I took some time off of that after my daughter died and did some soul-searching. Since my husband and I made the decision to divorce, I picked up a nanny job after school and am aggressively applying for teaching jobs. I'm tired and scared, but keep moving forward as best I can.
> 
> ...


YES.

It is the most mentally torturous thing I have ever done, like you I didn't want it and like other replies i suffered huge anxiety, depression and could not function at all, lost all my muscle, aged a lot, could not sleep or eat, I was never at peace or relaxed just a constant anxious feeling. When i was sitting with my children I was just vacant and could not even engage them, I could barely fake being just OK.

I did see a counselor once sometimes twice a week and regularly wrote emails on my thoughts of the day and sent them to him. He advised I go on anti depressants but I did not want to go down that path, i ended up drinking constantly and this makes all the other symptoms much worse once you wake up hungover and was a bad path to go down.

For me I think only time and a break away from normal life helped, I do not have any family near so I went back to see them for 10 days and came back a new person, not recovered but in a better place for sure.

Once the cloud starts to lift you will start to feel more stable and normal again and the periods of depression will lessen, then as you start rebuilding a new life things will start looking up.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You have been and are going through a lot. I'm sorry things have taken such a difficult turn for you. Your emotional turmoil is most likely contributing to your poor health. It sounds like it's contributing to trouble with your gut, which makes sense. We carry a lot of our emotions in our gut. It's also the main part of our immune system. When we get upset it can create problems in our guts which can impact the rest of our body as well.

I'd recommend you start making and eating soup. Homemade soup made with bones, onion, garlic, and carrots. Once you have made the broth, pick the meat off the bones and add back into the broth. Put the onion, garlic, and carrot chunks in the blender with a bit of the broth and add back in. Add other vegetables and potatoes as you like for a variety of soups. You can store this in the refrigerator and you can freeze the broth in bags, then take it out daily to add whatever you like for a different soup every day. Add more meat as needed, as there usually isn't a ton on the bones.

This kind of soup can be healing to your gut. It is easily digestible and highly nutritious. If your stomach or your gut is bothering you, this is the best thing you can eat.

As far as probiotics, either buy a bottle that needs to be refrigerated or find some raw sauerkraut. You can also easily make sauerkraut at home. It is time consuming, but worth the effort. According to Dr. Mercola, a forkful of raw, live sauerkraut is equal to an entire bottle of probiotics. I make my sauerkraut in half gallon jars. Yogurt is really not the answer for probiotics, in fact it could be making matters worse. I'd avoid dairy entirely until you feel a lot better and then only add it in slowly to see if it could be part of the problem.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I actually got into really good shape during the divorce because I dealt with stress by exercising. 

In addition to exercising you should eat foods high in fiber (fruits/veggies) and keep up with the yogurt. The average American doesn't get anywhere near enough fiber, so figure 30 grams per day is minimum but you can go above that. Stay away from fried foods and in general limit processed carbs and drink mostly water or unsweetened tea. Now for the sleeping, well that just takes a while to get back in check because it takes time to get past the stress of divorce and be able to focus on other things. I bought some OTC sleeping pills (essentially Benadryl) and read a book before bed. While those helped there were quite a few months with restless nights until I got back into a normal pattern. Don't expect the sleeping to happen quickly.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I am very sorry for the loss of your child and the death of your marriage. You are in distress because you've lost so much and now have to support yourself. When I went through divorce I lost 35 pounds in a very short time and I ran 21 miles a week to combat depression. I was advised to go on antidepressants, but I chose not to. Instead, I exercised, focused on my two daughters, spent time with family and friends who were a great support, and tuned to my faith. I cried every week at Mass at for about a month. In the midst of this our church had a special prayer for the victims of 911 on one of the anniversaries. It was at the end of Mass. The sadness of the prayer triggered me and I sat there weeping, heaving. The lady in the pew behind gave me a tissue and sympathetic pat on the back. She probably thought I had lost someone on 911. My daughters (11 and 14) were mortified though they understood my grief. I look back now and laugh at that, but the truth is being in church was comforting.

I am surprised I didn't lose my job. I had a great deal of responsibility as a manager but I could not concentrate. I was totally distracted, and I had to close my office door or leave meetings in moments I became overwhelmed by despair. Fortunately I had an understanding boss and coworkers. They were a quiet source of important support. I didn't talk with them about my issues but they had an idea of what was going on. I hope that the faculty you work with is understanding and supportive too. It's important that you share with your principal what is going on. 

It takes time to heal. Allow yourself time to grieve and then time to heal. The first wave of the grieving process is a tsunami. Just grieve. Ride it out. But fill your time constructively and avoid self-medicating (drinking, promiscuity, etc.) Those will set you back. Grieving is a process. It takes time, but this too shall pass and brighter days are ahead. They really are. Have faith and find constructive ways to spend your time. In the midst of tremendous grief I made memories with my daughters and family that I look back on with joy. It helps measurably if you can find and count your blessings. Take an inventory of them and acknowledge them each day.

Some churches offer very good Divorce support groups. I would look for one that uses a program called "Divorce Care." It is excellent, and the group support s terrific.

Godspeed!


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Ynot said:


> Yes. I was divorced after 24 years of marriage. I did not want it either. In the span of less than one month, she left, I sold our house, I closed my business, I took a corporate job and moved to a new city 125 miles from where I had lived for those 24 years, away from all my friends. The only person I knew in the town I moved to was my daughter.
> 
> I suffered severe anxiety and depression. During all of this time I lost 45 pounds. I went from 235 to 190 pounds in about three months. I stopped eating properly. I exercised like crazy. I had intense diarrhea. My heart raced. I didn't sleep. I couldn't focus. I just wanted to die. I would have killed myself had I known that anybody but my daughter would have found my body. I wanted to kill her. I fantasized about a murder suicide. I thought my life was over.
> 
> ...


After reading this you give me inspiration.
My 24 year marriage is over. I've been doing as you have described.
Thank you for the hope you've brought me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Divorce, especially if you weren't the instigator but can be even if you were...is a "loss" and normal grieving can affect many physical conditions. Treat it by knowing you're going to go through it. And keep on going. Things will get better. Condolences and strength to you. Very sorry about your daughter.


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