# Am I a Good Husband?



## wannabeteacher85 (Oct 9, 2013)

Me and my wife have been married for almost 3 years now this November. As a child who grew up without a father because he cheated on my mother and left I have always been the type of man to treat women with respect and try to be the best man I can be. After dating for a few months we got pregnent. After living together for about a year and a half and having our wonderful son we got married. For many years I have always been the type to do everything I can to make my wife happy. Cleaning the house, cooking the meals, waking up with the baby and just anything I could think of to make her happy. Just always felt like it was the right thing to do as a good husband and father. My wife whike I love her has quite a ***** side and cannot handle stress. I therefore gave up many things like fishing and just doing a few things I love. She already had a daughter of 2 at the time who has been difficult lately. If I leave her with the kids I know she will get stressed and take it out on me one way or another. Even if she tells me to do it I don't because it not worth it. Things lately have been difficult. I got to a point where I don't care as much about making her happy after years of her barley showing any appreciation of what I do and then fussing out me when I make a mistake. I just don't care ad much anymore. So of course she accuses me of not loving her and being a big kid and bad husband because I did not clean the house or do something. Basically she ignores the 9 things I do right and out of love like waking up before her every morning to make her coffee even though I don't have to wake until 2 hours after her or giving her back massages even though it hurts my fingers horribly or cleaning the house or cooking every night or waking up.with the 3 year old or watching the kids so she can go have fun every once in a while. She does not notice those but then when I take one day and take it easy and don't clean the house perfectly or whatever she fusses. Why should I care anymore. I honestly feel like If it was not for our son I would of left. I feel like I am being emotionally abused and even taken advantage of from my kindness. It is turning me into a hateful and simply not happy person. What do I do? I try to talk to her but she just turns it around and makes me feel like I did something wrong. I am not saying I am perfect and of course I make mistakes but I just feel like she does not even love me anymore. She never wants to have sex she never does nice things for me she just doesn't seem to care. And when I talk to her about it she says I don't care and I am doing things wrong. I don't want to fight with her. And I just always give in. I am at a point where I have decided in order to keep my son in my life as much as I want I will jus put up with it and live this life. What do I do?? Please help.
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_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you said, it does sound like you have been a good husband.. at least from the standpoint of taking responsible for your share of the house work, cooking, child care, etc.

What's not clear from what you wrote is if you and your wife every do anything fun together... just the two of you. So what do you two do that's fun? What types of things do you two do to build non-sexual emotional intimacy?

Another thing that is not clear is if your wife is a stay at home mom (SAHM) or if she has a job outside the home. If she does have a job, how many hours a week does she work? How many hours a week do you work at your job?

There are some things in what you wrote that make me think that you are being 'too' nice. What I mean by that is that you say that giving her a massage hurts your fingers/hands. How much does it hurt? Does she know that it hurts? Why would you go this if it hurts you? Could you use some kind of electric massager at least?

Also does she turn the favor by giving you a massage?

From the sounds of it, your marriage needs a complete makeover. If you are up to giving it one last try to fix things, then I suggest that you get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them first and think through what the books suggest that you do. Then you are going to have to tell her that you are profoundly unhappy but you want to save the marriage. And ask her to read the books with you and work through them. 

You might also need to get a marriage counselor involved.

Also.. check the divorce laws where you live. If you want to end the marriage, make sure that you protect your relationship with your son. You should get 50% custody. It's becoming the norm more and more. If your wife is constantly b!tching at you, this is not something that you want your son to see and learn. It will teach him that you are not worthy. Not a good lesson for a child to learn about their father (or their mother either). Sometimes a divorce is necessary to prevent one parent from completely poisoning the child(ren) against the other. At least you would have your son half the time so you can set the tone in your own home. It might be worth letting your wife know that you are willing to go that far to put an end to her mistreatment of you.

I am interested to know if the two of you ever do fun things together, just the two of you.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Yeah, I'm not even going to throw the book at you because I believe your marriage is worth saving.

Some things I do want to point out are:

1. The absence of a male role model in your life. Chances are you were raised by women (mother, teachers) and women condition boys to grow into boys that women want. The thing is, these boys believe that a man is somebody that subverts his own will to please his woman.

Chances are that is where your resentment comes from, you are giving up your needs to make her happy. You need hobbies, male friends, time to explore and enjoy the things that make you happy. However, because you were raised to be a woman pleaser, all the things that make you the man you want to be get push out.

2. I think its important that you are caring less about making her happy, its her job to make herself happy.

What are you doing that makes you happy? Start there, enjoy those things that you sacrificed.

3. Can you please describe you wife's situation when you first met her. What did you see in her then, was she living comfortably before you stepped into the picture?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

She's a selfish, attention seeking wet blanket.

Unfortunately, these kind of people don't respond to "nice". They have to have the wet blanket tossed back on them. Their radar is constantly set to look for slip-ups or shortcomings. They don't notice all the things that work right, only the things that give them reasons to criticize.

They are reflexive type people. They respond to whatever stimulates them. You wife is set to respond to negative stimulus. You mentioned "I don't want to fight with her". Very understandable, its a waste of energy. She, however may WANT to fight, and may not respect you because you shy away from it. I'm afraid the only way to get thru to her is to stop her every time she starts in with the fussing, and give her what she's asking for, while also signaling her you're not a person she wants to push this way much more.

If she fusses that you didn't put away the kid's toys, you may have to (figuratively) hit her over the head with a "I was cooking dinner, and keeping them quiet so you could take a nap, or otherwise indulge yourself. If you want to snipe at me, you can write it down for me to look at later. I'm too busying doing the actual work around here to be heckled in front of the kids."

In short, you're going to have to get her attention, and signal that you're not putting up with shlt you don't deserve.



gouge_away said:


> 2. I think its important that you are caring less about making her happy, its her job to make herself happy.


One more thing. Does she think its your job to make her happy? If so, what is her job? She sounds like she thinks its to peck at you. How is that supposed to be fair?


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## wannabeteacher85 (Oct 9, 2013)

To answer a few questions asked:

1. She does have a job and a rough one. She works between 40 and 50 hours a week and always help provide for the family. If we need extra money she is always willing to do extra hours.

2. We do enjoy going out to eat and to movies together.

3. I am beginning to think she is bipolar because alot of times those ***** times csn flip into happy times. Yesterday she was mad because she worked all weekend while I stayed home with kids. Saturday I cleaned the house top to bottom pretty much except sweeping because I forgot. Sunday I did not do as much just from being tired because of our son and I sat down and watched a few shows. When she got home and we started to pick up the house I told her I would do itm she started complain that I should of cleaned the house again because she was working. Feel like she feels that if she suffers so should i. I know how hard she works and I want to make her afternoons easier but I also get stressed to.

4. I agree I was raised by mostly women which is why I am the way I am. I am an emotional man. I don't cry or anything like that 24 7 but I do enjoy affection from my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

You are a good man. However, your wife is taking advantage of your kind nature and being very disrespectful. 
It seems like growing up without a male role model made you into a man who is not very assertive and probably too nice. 

Marriage is a two way street. You need to stand up for yourself in order to change the dynamics of your marriage. 
Right now, your wife behaves the way she does because you allow it. 

I used to be just like your wife; I nagged, I was critical and I yelled far too much. All of that changed once my husband firmly put his foot down. He told me that if I wasn't going to be appreciative of everything he did for us, he would simply walk away and I could be miserable by myself.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Where's the rule that you have to roll over and play dead for her? If your willing to be disrespected then you get what you deserve.

Lots of people work 40 and 50 hours a week and don't have that kind of attitude. That's a lousy excuse and what was once a vice has now become a habit for her. 

What you have a is a selfish woman who knows that with a raised voice she can have you jumping through hoops. Time for you to put the bad boy hat on and get the playing field leveled off quickly. Stop being the yes dear nice guy husband and let her know in a way that she understands that your not her slave, you tired of being disrespected and having you self worth used as a kleenex that she blows her nose with. 

It's only going to get worse and if she starts howling when you do finally step up to the plate that you don't love her you can look her in the eye and say that you do love her but don't like her and the love you have for her is circling the drain unless she starts acting like a wife and if it continues then let her know that she can find another guy to make miserable. Your choice. Either step up to the plate or be prepared for a lot more problems


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wannabeteacher85 said:


> To answer a few questions asked:
> 
> 1. She does have a job and a rough one. She works between 40 and 50 hours a week and always help provide for the family. If we need extra money she is always willing to do extra hours.
> 
> ...


How many hours a week do you work at your job?

What percentage of the household income does she earn.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> I don't know, what you described, the sudden mood swing is not at all bipolar, she is triggering, if she was bipolar, she could remain depressed through the most fortunate period of her life and nothing would snap her out of it, and then she could be manic while her world falls apart and not really see the reality of it. People who are bipolar get stuck in a cycle for extended periods of time before gradually shifting into the next cycle for extended periods of time. Neither themselves, or circumstances can trigger a normal mood, that is why psychotropic drugs are commonly used to level them out through good times and bad.
> 
> What you described are extreme displays of emotional shifts, or rapid shifts from happy to mad.
> To me that sounds more like a condition know as psyco*****.
> ...


Why does the OP have to swear at his wife to get his point across? Swearing is not an effective way to communicate; especially when dealing with someone with entitlement and possibly mental health issues. 

He can stand his ground without using profane language. 

I think that telling his wife that he has something to say to her , pointing out her behavior and outlining consequences will be much more effective. The OP needs to be calm and look her deep in her eyes with a serious expression on his face during this talk. If she interrupts, saying "I was speaking. You can speak after I'm finished." might work. 

"If the disrespectful and unappreciative behavior continues, I will be filing for divorce. I will not be disrespected in my own home or stay married to a woman who acts like a spoiled child." That statement should be followed by getting up and walking away no matter what she says. 

After that, the OP needs to do less around the house and focus on his hobbies, building positive male friendships and reading about being assertive. If his wife complains that he is doing less, he can tell her that since she doesn't have anything positive to say when he does help, he is now going to leave the housework up to her so that she can do it to her specifications. :laugh: This is what she needs. 

Women don't like to admit it but we respect men who do not take any mess from us. I am confident that the OP's wife will respect him more once he starts standing up for himself.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

wannabeteacher85 said:


> ...or watching the kids so she can go have fun every once in a while.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I would go blind all-in that these times she goes out to "have fun once in a while" STILL include men. And surely alcohol. 

Am I right?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/128602-wife-going-parties-alone.html

She was doing that after one year. No way it changed 2 years later. If the scenarios you describe were slightly different, I would guess you were my neighbor friend.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

You sound like a super nice guy OP. Unfortunately, the world has a way of taking "nice guys" and emotionally murdering them. No easy answers, especially if you want to try and stay in this marriage.

You got to start somewhere, so here are my suggestions. Just remember, these aren't religious texts. Take what you like or what applies to your situation and leave the rest. 

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover is the most recommended around here, pretty sure you can grab it free in pdf. somewhere and its a good starting point for some people.

At the risk of being labeled a misogynist (if I haven't already), I would also mention Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. This has fallen out of favor around here due to the authors vocabulary, but some guys swear by it. Someone mentioned an alternative that wasn't as coarse, but I can't remember it. Maybe another poster can chime in with it.

If you really want to take a trip down the rabbit hole, books like The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi or the Red Queen by Matt Ridley. At the risk of making heads explode I will also mention maybe even checking out sites like the Redpill just to see if any of it resonates with you. I just about guarantee you will find a story similar to yours linked over there somewhere. Just know that association with that group will make you a pariah in certain circles.

Good luck.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> Op, don't swear at your wife. Im sorry that I choose those words... If you presented it the way I said your going to end up with a very defensive entitled wife.
> 
> Get your balls back, but be a man, not a bad mouthed child... Show her the respect you would want from her if roles were reversed. Don't swear. Mrs Sub has it right!
> 
> I'm just an example of what you could become if you let this go for too long, a resentful, bitter, angry, guy, still, better than a resentful, bitter, angry, niceguy.


I appreciate your understanding of my points. 

It is one thing to be a nice guy but quite another to be a Nice Guy. 

Nice Guys are treated like doormats.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

This is what happens to nice guys. Dear Lord, don't let this happen to my son.

If you were my son, I would tell you, to stop letting your wife use you. Because that is what she is doing. You sound like a great husband. If you were my husband back when the kids were small, I would have been in heaven.

Why does a clean house so important to her. Does she have OCD?

When my kids were small, I mean under 13, having a clean floor was important. Once, I knew the floor was clean, who cares? What about cleaning constantly? If you clean once a day, that should be enough. I clean on Fridays, so I don't have to clean on the weekends. Then, Monday I do a through cleaning. Having kids means having a certain amount of mess.

She is demanding too much and you are giving too much. STArt taking time for the stuff you enjoy. Let her know in advance what you will be doing and do it. if she is unhappy, so be it.

I am a SAHM, if my husband treated and make demands like your wife, I would let him have it. My husband puts in a 60 hours work week of heavy lifting and dragging equipment around. He is so thankful when he comes home and there is a nice meal and the kids are taken care of. I do give foot massages and a back one. But when I need my foot and back rubbed, he is more than happy to do it. He never complains about the house.

There is a difference between trying to make your spouses life easier and when you are being taken advantage of. The moment all the things you do for her is not appreciated and becomes an expectation, you are no longer on equal footing. She becomes higher that you. 

When you no longer feel the joy of doing for your wife, it becomes a burden.

I would stop doing all the little things you do for her. No more massages and foot rubs. No more trying to make her life easier. 

Marriage is for equals. You give to her what she gives to you. 

Lets see how see feels then. 

If you continue this way, you are only going get more bitter and resentful. Start thinking about yourself. What makes you happy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

@wannabeteacher85 what outcome is it that you want?

Do you want to try to make this better, exit this marriage in the least traumatically way possible, or just make it tolerable so you can exist?


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

You sound like a good husband to me. I understand where you are coming from, my wife also behaves this way, but she is a SAHM. She never cleans, does laundry, grocery shops, cooks, etc. I am considering leaving her, even though we have four kids at home that need a stable parent around (me) that gets the things done that need doing. 

In your case, you need to let your wife know that she is hurting your relationship by being a negative nelly all the time regarding your cleaning of the house, etc. She may not realize she is being so harsh. You may also consider a splitting of the house duties. Since you both work, it should not be incumbent upon just one working parent to "do it all." If you do the laundry and yard work, she can clean the house and prepare the meals etc. You will both need to jump in on raising the kids. 

I would consider both personal and couples counseling. I tried it with my wife, but she did not care for it and said it was not for her. (a cop out, but WE)

I wish you all the best and hope the both of you can re-kindle and save your marriage.


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