# Wife wants me to get her to date me



## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

After 11 yrs of marriage and 4 children(oldest 17) my wife is fed up with my stupidity. I don't tell her I love you enough, I don't say nice things to her enough. She doesn't feel appreciated or important. I will do anything she want's me to such as go get her something to eat like takeout or wash/detail her car, do the laundry, cook dinner, etc. I don't do anything on my own, I don't go out with the guys (don't have any), I'm always home doing something or watching tv with her. She wants me to talk to her about my feelings and I don't know what the hell that means! Now she wants us to "separate" but live in same house and wants me to try to get her to want to date me (like strangers) and I don't have a clue how to start. She goes out with her single friends and other guys ask her out and she said she misses that feeling of being pursued or whatever. I think I got too comfortable in this relationship and she wants more or me to change. I can't imagine what would happen if I failed to "get her back", divorce I guess. Dont want that. I have a disadvantage in that she is pissed at me and why would a woman want to date a guy she is pissed off at? any suggestions are greatly appreciated.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Maybe she feels that you guys are not emotionally intimate anymore, or at least not bonded like you were when you were dating? I don't know...but try taking her on dates, try buying her lingerie, flowers, small gifts...etc. Do things to romance her.

The only thing that bothers me is the whole separation thing. I have always heard that "women and sex are like crock pots (don't laugh)...you need to start hours ahead of time and let them simmer."


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

hours! ha ha. I think you may have something there with the emo intimate. First I have to get her to WANT to go on a date with me, she wouldn't even let me go to a carnival with her and the kids earlier today and I doubt she will want me to go to church with them in the morning. Thanks for the help. I really don't have anybody to talk to about this.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

why is she pissed at you

i mean in general, or wtf else:wtf:

you say your wife is fed up with your stupidity

that's a powerful statement

it shows you're aware

either your wife judges you wrongly and you respond with sarcasm or

you're not very good at romance and the lack of that skill set is finally taking it's toll on your marriage

you strike me as a very honest man

a man willing to communicate even though you often have no idea why you need to or what you need to comunicate

and so i have faith things will work out for you, but you might want to talk to a counselor just to get a handle on where you are.
:toast::toast:


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I realize this is a hard situation but you need to show some hard boundaries. Not going to church together is not optional. If she wants to go by herself I guess ok - but she does not take the kids to church herself by default. 

Have you stayed fit? When was the last time you took her out somewhere fun - your idea? When was the last time you told her she looked really hot. How often do you do that? Not hard, but very important. 

As for separate in the same house - sounds like she is already having an emotional affair if not a full blown affair with someone and is just kicking you out of her bed in prep of full blown divorce. Ask her that directly - not angry - not confrontational - just her being honest and fair with you if that is where things stand. If she denies then ask to see her cell phone and computer passwords. If she gets defensive - hell she will only get defensive if she is guilty. And a woman almost never does this to her current guy until she has lined up her replacement guy. 








bob_sacamano said:


> hours! ha ha. I think you may have something there with the emo intimate. First I have to get her to WANT to go on a date with me, she wouldn't even let me go to a carnival with her and the kids earlier today and I doubt she will want me to go to church with them in the morning. Thanks for the help. I really don't have anybody to talk to about this.


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## PANDA (Oct 16, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> As for separate in the same house - sounds like she is already having an emotional affair if not a full blown affair with someone and is just kicking you out of her bed in prep of full blown divorce. Ask her that directly - not angry - not confrontational - just her being honest and fair with you if that is where things stand. If she denies then ask to see her cell phone and computer passwords. If she gets defensive - hell she will only get defensive if she is guilty. And a woman almost never does this to her current guy until she has lined up her replacement guy.


I would try to reconnect by doing as she asks - taking her out on a date, having a good time together, before going here.

I don't think the disconnect necessarily spells affair, and given that she is already accusing you of being out of touch with her, giving her the full Hawaii 5-O, possibly out of the blue, could make things much worse.

Observe her, consider whether there is evidence of an affair, and in the mean time start doing what she asks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I brought up the couselor to her and she just said "why so you can blame everything wrong on me?". 

She is pissed at me for not making her happy the past 8 or so years.

I am fit as I can be outside of a little roll on my stomach when I sit down, 5'10" 160lbs, so I don't think it is my looks, although I have a few more wrinkles on the face than I did years ago!
I don't respond with sarcasm, that would piss her off even more.

She has bought me books about being romantic and such and I do those things in there and she doesn't really notice them because I was already doing some of them. (1001 ways to be romantic) Even bought me that "love dare" book and I was up to day 8 or so and she asked me if I have even opened the damn thing!

I wouldn't ask her for cell phone or passwords, that would be the final nail right then I guarantee.

She has some medical problems with her head (cysts on her brain) causing headaches and dizzyness so she doesn't feel like going out much. Unless it seems like on the weekend with her drunk ass stupid friends from HS, (all the single ones). Lastnight she was out until 2am watching her brother in law play in a band at a bar and she hates this guy worse than me! and doesn't really care for her sister too much either. Kind of odd I thought.

We do go out to dinner everyonce in a while but she says I don't talk about stuff she wants to talk about. Emotions and feelings. I don't freakin get it.

Well, thanks for the help all of you. I really appreciate the advice and perspectives. It's just hard to talk her when everything I say is either wrong or starts another damn argument.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Seperating and living in the same house does not seem to me like it would have any benefit to working things out, as you are married, not learning to date !!!
Maybe she is expecting too much ?

I don't know but I feel a certain level of comfort and being comfortable is required to live happily. Maybe an afternoon a week can be set aside for something you can do together... like a hobby or something.
She apparently thinks marriage is all about talking about feelings. Maybe she needs a girlfriend to talk to?
I don't know any men who like to talk about their feelings all the time.
You can try being more romantic, but to do on a daily basis should not be required.
Try setting a few hours aside each week to do something you both like ( dancing, fishing, hiking, or whatever) and make sure you 
keep going, even if one of you may not feel like it. You could even find a couples group in your area maybe.

To be honest, to me... your wife sounds demanding. Maybe something you can discuss with her as to if her expectations of marriage are realistic or not, with a counselor.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I don't think she will go to a counselor. 

She has girlfriends, several, but I'm not sure how much they talk about her feelings and what not.

I would love to do something with her each week but it seems there is an excuse not to. Or she doesn't feel good.

Now I'm in trouble again for not waking up last night when she got home at 2am and making sure she got home ok. I was asleep but heard her come in after the dogs barked and I was in the half sleep/awake state.

Thanks again for the help, I'm in real trouble here. I couldn't imagine living without my family.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

My guess is you and your wife have spent the last several years raising children and putting their needs first. The marriage and emotional bond has suffered.

I do think that reconnecting and trying to "woo" her will provide some excitement for both you to rekindle things. I would plan some date nights and do some unexpected things. 

Best of luck to you.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

That sounds about right StrongEnough. Our children have been a handful and still are for the most part, but that is no excuse.

She just told me I should've come up to that freakin bar last night after I picked up my daughter from work at 11pm and try to buy her a drink or something. does that sound stupid to anybody else?
I didn't think I had to go to a damn bar to ask my wife out on a date? 

Thanks again for the help.


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## Round2 (Oct 18, 2009)

..and if you had gone to the bar she probably would have accused you of spying on her/crowding her etc. 

It sounds like your wife needs something from you but she's not quite sure what it is herself. It sounds like your marriage is in a rut but she seems to be suggesting things with no clear directive. 

That's not fair to you. 

Be careful that you don't fall into the trap of becoming her minion. She won't respect you for it. The game playing has to stop and real communication has to begin.

If she won't go to counselling, then go on your own. A counsellor can help you get some perspective, give you some insight and suggest some ways to start tackling the issues. 

I hope things work out.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Avoiding a counselor is a big red flag. Usually people do that because they believe an objective third party will demand they take some responsibility. 

If it were me - I would say - obviously I am not smart enough to figure this out since I have been trying for a while. We need a counselor to help us. But I need to know you are committed and want to make this work. 

If you keep allowing her to blame you entirely this will only get worse. When your children are acting up, being conflict avoidant makes them worse. Standing up to them shuts it down. 




Round2 said:


> ..and if you had gone to the bar she probably would have accused you of spying on her/crowding her etc.
> 
> It sounds like your wife needs something from you but she's not quite sure what it is herself. It sounds like your marriage is in a rut but she seems to be suggesting things with no clear directive.
> 
> ...


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

Thanks for the help guys and gals.

She still doesn't think couseling will work cause she said I would just do what I always do and blame her for everything.

She wants us to separate, sell the house and car, buy a cheaper car for her and then divorce unless I can win her back and get her to want to "date" me again. THIS SUCKS!!

I am not the dating type. I don't have a clue how to date women, I was lucky to get her, worked with her at a grocery store bagging groceries. 

She doesn't believe anything I tell her when trying to say something nice to her or about her. She just comes back with some sort of complaint or turns what I said into something negative. DAMMIT! I don't think I can win here. 

I didn't react the way she wanted me to when she told me that other guys were asking her out or buying her drinks when she goes out with her friends.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

I think she misses the banter and flirting that goes with the whole relationship thing.

If that's not you, then you have two choices: 1) modify her expectation, or 2) modify your skillset.

I have a feeling she wants you to take door #2, whereas you are leaning toward the "your expectation is ridiculous" train of thought.

Think carefully about what outcome you want before you decide. It's been simmering for years, so you don't have a lot of leeway to make mistakes.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

I like that answer joevn. I would take any door as long as I can make her happy. Im just not sure how to go about it, trying to get her to go out with me as she is pissed at me and that makes it difficult. Trying to get a woman to go out with you that is pissed at you is damn near impossible. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way or something. Again, thanks for all the help.


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## mae (Aug 17, 2009)

Just curious, what exactly have you tried doing? Have you tried buying her flowers? Set up a romantic date? Wrote her a love letter? Etc. If you're doing these things and she's rejecting you then I think the only thing you can do is tell her she needs to either let you do what she's asking you to do or you're out the door unless you get some sort of marriage counseling. You have to somehow do something pro-active, which is unfortunately very hard when you're stuck right in the middle of it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

where did you take her on the first date you had that went really well? It doesn't have to be the first date ever. It should be the first one that you both had a good/great time on. I mean at the very start of your relationship.





bob_sacamano said:


> I like that answer joevn. I would take any door as long as I can make her happy. Im just not sure how to go about it, trying to get her to go out with me as she is pissed at me and that makes it difficult. Trying to get a woman to go out with you that is pissed at you is damn near impossible. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way or something. Again, thanks for all the help.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

we went to see the movie Aladin when it was in theaters. Her choice. But I have to get her to WANT to go out first, thats the problem. I have to woo her while she is sarcastic and turns everything I say into an argument. AHHHHHHH!


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Bob, it seems to me you're a bit screwed right now. As soon as she tells you to woo her you are both conscious of the trying and it's artificial and fake.

Women like challenge in a man, meaning they like a take charge guy, who doesn't placate or suck up to them, is fun to be around, and makes them work to get him. Most of us husbands fail hugely in this area.

I'd do two things: 

1. Start making your own life. If you don't have male friends, go get some. Join a sport, softball league, soccer, touch football, running club, poker night, something... She wants to feel like you want her, not NEED her. To move from one to the other you need your own life and, ironically, to make her less important. She's your lover remember, not your mother.

2. Take more leadership. So instead of saying, "Should we go to dinner?" which is seeking approval, say "I've got a surprise for you on tues night. Be ready at 7pm and wear something nice," and then organize dinner a nice restaurant, and something afterward. If she asks what you're doing, just smile and say, "you'll have to wait to find out."


PS: I agree with the guy that said to watch out for an affair. They happen, more than any of think.


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## bob_sacamano (Oct 25, 2009)

she wants to feel needed and wanted! She just told me that earlier in the kitchen while we were cooking dinner.

she says she already feels not important although I do nothing on my own except go to work or fix something around the house. I have no hobbies anymore, they were upsetting her or making her jealous or something.

I have taken a leadership role before but now I have to get her to want to go out. she will not go if I just say " Keep Tues night open we are going out." She has to be asked out is what she is saying. 

I think I might change my name to "seeking sanity II" if I can't figure this out.

thanks for all the support everybody! I really appreciate it.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

It takes work...don't expect that she will "instantly" be attracted to you, or want to date you. You have to work everyday...just like when you first met her. Send her cards, flowers, text/e-mail...etc. If she went so far as to buy you "how to romance" books, that is saying a HUGE amount. 

It will take alot of effort, sacrifice and maybe some actions that seems a little stupid in your mind. Believe it or not...most women love for a man to chase them.

Don't expect results today, tomorrow, next week, next month or even in years...don't set a deadline in your mind of when you expect to have your feelings reciprocated. Just chase after her and see what happens.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I don't think she's asking for anything unreasonable. I think you're just a clueless guy. How sad for you both!

What she wants is to be SURPRISED by your efforts. She wants excitement.

So do things out of the ordinary.

Also, if you can't get her to be excited about doing something, don't tell her what you're going to do. Tell her what she needs to wear and if she needs anything special, but just take her where you want to take her. 

Act differently. If you're normally passive, sweep her off her feet and carry her to the bedroom. Act like you really want her. Tie her up. Put roses all over the bed. (I've never gotten that one myself but it is a part of a lot of romantic notions, so I hear.) 

Be over the top. Don't buy her a dozen roses. Buy her 12 dozen.

Don't send her flowers one day. Send her flowers every day for 2 weeks.

Think outside of the box and stop worrying so much. Act like you are head-over-heels for her and do some freaking work at getting her attention. This "I'm lucky I got her" thing is for the birds. So you're a loser at love and you want her to suffer with your low self-esteem for the rest of her life? Puh. Step up to the plate and swing away.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

dobo said:


> I don't think she's asking for anything unreasonable. I think you're just a clueless guy. How sad for you both!
> 
> What she wants is to be SURPRISED by your efforts. She wants excitement.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with this. Key is you don't want to be predictable, or play the same card too often.

Here are some tools that I use. Arrange dinner dates at restaurants (once a month) for just the two of you. Make a production out of it by giving her an invitation card, formally asking her to join Mr. (your last name) for an evening out. If she works (or if she doesn't, when she visits her family), send flowers to her work/inlaw place on special occassions. Flowers are great, but women love to let other women know that their men thought they are special. Put on an old black-and-white love movie (if she has a favorite, use it), a bottle of massage oil, and give her a back massage while you two watch the movie. Cassablanca or "An Affair to Remember" are always winners. Make sure you have fun doing it...that's the point. Things to do are only limited by your imagination.

Shoot for things that are inexpensive but heart-felt. This is an area where more dollars doesn't mean more.


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

To follow up.

Most importantly, write love letters. Shoot for a few each month to start out. Put it on her pillow so she can find it as surprises. One pager is great. Hand-written only. Definitely don't do it on any schedule. Do it randomly but consistently over the years. This is the simplest thing you can do. And FREE~.

If you think love letters are for the birds, check out Ronald Reagan, Harry S. Truman, Napoleon Bonaparte. All men at the pinacle of their power, rulers of the world, and still write "sappy" love letters to their wives. Only insecure guys are afraid of picking up a pen and show their emotions to their wives.

_November 21, 1796 (Napoleon)

I am going to bed with my heart full of your adorable image… I cannot wait to give you proofs of my ardent love… How happy I would be if I could assist you at your undressing, the little firm white breast, the adorable face, the hair tied up in a scarf a la creole. You know that I will never forget the little visits, you know, the little black forest… I kiss it a thousand times and wait impatiently for the moment I will be in it. To live within Josephine is to live in the Elysian fields. Kisses on your mouth, your eyes, your breast, everywhere, everywhere._

_November 1796: (Napoleon)

Soon, I hope, I will be holding you in my arms; then I will cover you with a million hot kisses, burning like the equator._


_March 4 1983 (Ronald Regan written aboard Air Force 1)

Dear First Lady

I know tradition has it that on this morning I place cards Happy Anniversary cards on your breakfast tray. But things are somewhat mixed up. I substituted a gift & delivered it a few weeks ago.

Still this is the day, the day that marks 31 years of such happiness as comes to few men. I told you once that it was like an adolescent's dream of what marriage should be like. That hasn't changed.

You know I love the ranch but these last two days made it plain I only love it when you are there. Come to think of it that's true of every place & every time. When you aren't there I'm no place, just lost in time & space.

I more than love you, I'm not whole without you. You are life itself to me. When you are gone I'm waiting for you to return so I can start living again.

Happy Anniversary & thank you for 31 wonderful years.

I love you

Your Grateful Husband _


Dear Bess: Love Letters From the President


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

wow.. that was inspiring joevn 

that is one thing i have not done... the hiding them around the house for her to find bit... i have handed her them several times though 

might i suggest.. instead of hiding them for her to find.. take a long time and make several fake/attempted letters for her and skatter them soem place you know she'll find them but not to obvious.. then give her the finidshed one the next day and act all shy about it... i have noticed that some women love it when you are "intimidated" be cause you are "struck" by them like a school boy with a crush.... just a thought


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## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

dobo said:


> I don't think she's asking for anything unreasonable. I think you're just a clueless guy. How sad for you both!
> 
> What she wants is to be SURPRISED by your efforts. She wants excitement.
> 
> ...


Awesome idea. If Bob, like me, are of the school that a dollar saved is a dollar earned, you'd be thinking of ways to get more mileage out of your effort.

When I read this, my first thought is how to jazz it up and save dough (in fact, I'll do this some time, thanks for the inspiration dobo).

1) Get a BIG single sun flower
2) cut out some picture of the moon and stars, and tie it to the flower stem
3) Write a short note to the effect that "darling wife, you are my sun, my moon, and my stars. Without you, I'm lost. With you, my days are brighter, my nights are more beautiful, my skies are clearer. As long as the sun continues to shine, the moon continues to appear in the night sky, and the stars continue to twinkle, my love remains. I love you, Joevn"

Sappy? hell yeah. But she'll be happy and she'll make me and my kids happy. 

Cost: Less than five bucks and a few minutes with a pen and paper and scissors 

Can you tell that I have fun with this stuff? I do.


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## hoping (Sep 28, 2009)

great!!! love it!!! my wife *HATES* sunflowers but i bet even she would love that.


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