# How to short-cut the frustration?



## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

I'm well on my way to divorce, custody is finally settled, but financial is still being worked on. As part of the custody arrangement, we have to have a weekly phone call. During the phone call, the stbx and I fall into the same old communication patterns. He gets agressive and manipulative and I stop talking until he ticks me off enough that I end up hanging up on him.

I know enough of the readings on here, that the behaviour follows the drama triangle. He starts out persecutor until he gets a rise out of me then he will drop to victim. Then if I'm not engaged enough or doing what he wants he rises to persecutor again. I feel like I'm dealing with crazy and I don't know how to manage my own emotions to keep it from bothering me.

From my perspective, the following haven't worked:
1) Discussing it logically: it just turns into a heated arguement.
2) Ignore the jabs: the jabs just escalate until I react.
3) Hang up and call back some time later: normally have best results in regards to his behavior (he stops pushing buttons). But then I keep getting pointed references to it in future communications.

Anyone have any specific actions or stories on what has helped them deal with a confrontational ex-spouse? I'm just looking for other ideas/options to explore.

-M


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

My wife and I are separated and will be heading for a divorce as soon as possible. She can be quite confrontational at times, and I understand it's difficult not to rise to it.

What are the terms of the call? Could you perhaps, cheat the system a little somehow? Such as make the call but don't actually speak? Or dial so it connects and just leave the phone off the hook? Is there any specifics as to what the conversational content of the call should be?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Morgiana said:


> I'm well on my way to divorce, custody is finally settled, but financial is still being worked on. As part of the custody arrangement, we have to have a weekly phone call. During the phone call, the stbx and I fall into the same old communication patterns. He gets agressive and manipulative and I stop talking until he ticks me off enough that I end up hanging up on him.
> 
> I know enough of the readings on here, that the behaviour follows the drama triangle. He starts out persecutor until he gets a rise out of me then he will drop to victim. Then if I'm not engaged enough or doing what he wants he rises to persecutor again. I feel like I'm dealing with crazy and I don't know how to manage my own emotions to keep it from bothering me.
> 
> ...


How old are the children?


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

10&12.

I've started to realize that he's just never going to be happy and he continues to take it out on me any way he can. I decided to put the same restrictions on the call that I give a 4 yr old. I count strikes in the conversation and at three I tell him I'm hanging up.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Morgiana said:


> 10&12.
> 
> I've started to realize that he's just never going to be happy and he continues to take it out on me any way he can. I decided to put the same restrictions on the call that I give a 4 yr old. I count strikes in the conversation and at three I tell him I'm hanging up.


So why are you even speaking to him?

If kids are 10 & 12 they can answer the phone or call him. You don't even need to be involved.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Because it's written into the custody agreement that the call has to happen. If I could never talk to this person again, I would .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does the custody agreement say about the calls?

What are they for? When do they have to happen?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Morgiana said:


> Because it's written into the custody agreement that the call has to happen. If I could never talk to this person again, I would .


I have the same thing. I insisted on it. 

My kids are 12, 10 and 7. 

These calls have been taking place for 15 months now. Not once have I had to talk to her. 

Why do you have to be involved at all?


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Ceegee said:


> I have the same thing. I insisted on it.
> 
> My kids are 12, 10 and 7.
> 
> ...


You make the call but don't talk?


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What does the custody agreement say about the calls?
> 
> What are they for? When do they have to happen?


Agreement just says one call a week at xx time on xx day. Luckily for me, it doesn't say anything about length.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Morgiana said:


> You make the call but don't talk?


I don't make the call. 

The kids make the call themselves. 

At 10 & 12 your kids are plenty old enough.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Ceegee said:


> I don't make the call.
> 
> The kids make the call themselves.
> 
> At 10 & 12 your kids are plenty old enough.


Ah, I understand what you mean. My custody agreement states that he and I will talk to make arrangements.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Morgiana said:


> Agreement just says one call a week at xx time on xx day. Luckily for me, it doesn't say anything about length.


In a later post you clarify what the call is about. I was not sure if it is him/you to talk to the children or if it's to talk about the children.

So the call is for you two to talk about the children, make arrangements, etc. There are things you can do to stop the drama.

Do most of the communications via email. Start sending him emails that talk about what needs to be said about the children. Stick to the facts, dates, time, etc. Do not discuss anything personal about yourself or all the emotional nonsense.

If he replies to you via email in the way that he talks in the phone conversations, just ignore all the emotional drama. You just reply calmly about the children. Take time to reply, do not just shoot back replies. This is to minimize you responding in an emotional manner.

Now for the phone calls. Record them. Find out the laws in your state for recording phone calls. Most states are one party.. meaning that only one party in a conversation has to agree to the recording. The reason for recording them is that you have proof that you need to do most, if not all communications via email.

When you talk, just say hi and that you have told him all you have to say via email. Ask him to reply that way. If he balks at it, tell him that the phone calls are too emotionally draining since the two of you cannot speak civilly to each other.

If you can still have the agreement changed, have to changed to say that you will communicate weekly via email and text. That phone calls are reserved for emergencies.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Yeah ele, I hear you. I already record all of the calls. The problem I had is that he email and text bombs me as well, and is a sneaky SoB who says different things each time he write/talks. So I try to keep everything in that call so that I don't have to keep dealing with him through the week. 

I had tried just responding to emails, but on average it would take 10-14 hours a week to respond to everything he was sending, and the emails just get heavier when I has the kids and he doesn't. So I'm trying to find an effective way to deal with him as little as possible with as little grief in my life as possible.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Perfect. 

I have also found that it helps to send an email and follow it immediately with a text that simple says: I sent you an email with this weeks plan. And if your email supports it, turn on the 'return receipt requested' feature. 




EleGirl said:


> In a later post you clarify what the call is about. I was not sure if it is him/you to talk to the children or if it's to talk about the children.
> 
> So the call is for you two to talk about the children, make arrangements, etc. There are things you can do to stop the drama.
> 
> ...


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Perfect.
> 
> I have also found that it helps to send an email and follow it immediately with a text that simple says: I sent you an email with this weeks plan. And if your email supports it, turn on the 'return receipt requested' feature.


Also, check out Our Family Wizard. It will let you know when emails are read. It has a calendar where you can put in the kids schedule so you don't have to communicate it to the X. 

It has many other features as well. 

I have a very high-conflict X so I had this put in our decree. It helps a lot.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Other people on here use Cozi to set up schedules. Our D was not high-conflict by the time it happened, but we pretty much instituted the schedule we finalized over a year before the D. We each call our son every night to say good-night. DS was 8 when I moved out. At that age, I dialed the phone and handed it to him, and he talked to his dad. I also gave his dad his own ringtone, so if my phone rings around 'bedtime' I just have DS answer it. DS is almost 11 now, and he calls his dad himself on my phone. We do most of our communication via text, sometimes email, once in a while in person or on the phone. I don't have trouble with text-bombing or email bombing (the opposite, actually), but another idea is to set-up a folder for his stuff to automatically go into. Skim the message. If nothing pertains to schedule, something your kids need, etc., close the email. Don't even bother reading the rest. You don't need the stress, and he doesn't deserve a response.

If it wouldn't possibly help you in the future to show what he sends you and how often, I'd recommend you just delete his messages.

In cases of a high-conflict D, I wonder why the court would order the two of you to speak every week. There are so many programs, devices, etc., to make that unnecessary. I would see if you could petition to change the agreement.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

I just have to vent.... the ex is definitely on my 'hate' list at the moment.

Yeah-yeah, I know, get to 50,000 feet, but the stupid double-talking lying SoB who is such a pansy yellow-bellied PoS who is afraid to meet any of the men in my family because of that reason could be on fire and I wouldn't piss on him to put him out.

He's a high-conflict person who needs to have dramas to give him a reason for living and sitting in the victim chair. God-forbid he takes actual responsibility for anything in his life. From his crushing debt to missing kids doctor's appointments. I really wouldn't care if aliens came down tomorrow and sucked him up for the next 20 years.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Morgiana said:


> I just have to vent.... the ex is definitely on my 'hate' list at the moment.
> 
> Yeah-yeah, I know, get to 50,000 feet, but the stupid double-talking lying SoB who is such a pansy yellow-bellied PoS who is afraid to meet any of the men in my family because of that reason could be on fire and I wouldn't piss on him to put him out.
> 
> He's a high-conflict person who needs to have dramas to give him a reason for living and sitting in the victim chair. God-forbid he takes actual responsibility for anything in his life. From his crushing debt to missing kids doctor's appointments. I really wouldn't care if aliens came down tomorrow and sucked him up for the next 20 years.


Feels good to rant. I do this every so often too, then I let it go.

My X has some cluster of personality disorder. She is very difficult to deal with and is always to victim too. We don't speak on the phone - can't do it. Email only. 

I am blamed for everything and there is always an emotional hook to all of her emails. I don't respond anymore. 

Morgiana, here's a good reference to help learn about disordered spouses and how to respond to them.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

I've read about half of that since you posted it; I remember coming across that book while I was reading another one about personality disorders. Good stuff, but at this point, I'm having a hard time with it. Probably because I tried being nice and giving him his way in some cases, but the _sh!t just never stops_. So damned if I do react, damned if I dont. Argh.

Aliens. Abduction. Don't Mind.

-M


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