# Going to woman up and talk to him



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I am horribly terrified of talking to my husband. I feel like every time I try to tell him how I'm feeling about anything personal to our relationship, he rolls his eyes, mocks me, flat out ignores me, or plays the martyr and somehow turns it around so that I end up trying to stroke his ego. I always walk away feeling even worse than I did before approaching, if that's even possible. My fear of speaking to him has gotten so bad that we barely get past a cordial "How was work?" He did surprise me this morning by actually asking how my night went as well.

As it is, I had a really rough night so when he came in this morning, instead of getting up and starting my day like normal, I curled up and went back to sleep with him. I woke up later in tears after having a horrible dream. I know I was crying in my sleep because my face and his chest were soaked. Anyway, the dream was so vivid and realistic that I realized I really need to talk to him about it. In it, we were having an amazing sexual encounter when he suddenly got up mid-intimacy and starting yelling at me about everything I do wrong (from child-rearing to housework), how disgusting my body is, and just in general touching on everything that would break my heart. I know it was just a dream but I still can't shake it and it is tearing me up. All of my insecurities smacking me in the face at once. 

I couldn't talk to him today because I also woke up to the news that there was a family tragedy and I needed to go be with my mother who's sister had passed in the night. But I did tell him that I want to talk to him tomorrow.

I didn't used to be so insecure. When we met, I knew I was gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, fun, proud, and strong. But over the last 7 years I have become an empty shell of that woman I used to be. The lack of sex has taken a toll on me. I question whether he is even attracted to me. The voids in conversation or when he just walks out of a room when I'm talking. I'm apparently not interesting anymore. He never smiles or laughs anymore. I don't believe I'm a fun person anymore. I could go on and on.

Fortunately, I will have liquid courage to aid me tomorrow. It just so happens that tomorrow is my best friend's birthday and we are supposed to go out to the bar with her. I normally don't drink, though he does. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, I have this thought that talking to him while we've both been drinking is going to be disastrous! But I also know that if I try to do it sober, I will chicken out and never say anything. I've read books. I've rehearsed what I want to say in my mind. I'm prepared to say what I need to get off my chest. What I'm not prepared for, is his reaction. I'm terrified that this may possibly be the worst decision of my life. 

I'm incredibly broken. If he dismisses my feelings, again... I know in my head that something has to give. I keep trying to convince myself that I just need to accept our marriage as it is. That he puts a roof over our head and pays the bills. That this empty loneliness I feel so often is normal in marriage. But at the same time, I know there has to be more. My heart just won't accept that my marriage is not okay. I love this man. I can't lose him. I know that even if nothing changes, I won't leave. I'll just wilt a little more, get even quieter, and put on a smile when I walk out the front door for the world to see.

What do you do when you can't leave, and you can't make things change?


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Personally, I don't think talking about things while drinking is a good idea. Things could escalate out of hand, tempers can flare more than usual. At the other end of the spectrum, one or both of you may be too drunk to remember what was discussed and resolved - rendering your conversation moot.

When I've felt like I can't talk to my spouse, I wrote him letters. Then we'd talk about what I'd written the next day (I'd give him time to re-read it and process it) if it was a heavy subject.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, this is the classic women's situation. Can't leave, scared to talk to him, because it probably won't change things anyway. I have a good marriage, but I can't tell you how many times I have felt this way. And my dh actually listens. He will listen, nod his head, say, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right . . . and the next day I am complaining about the same thing because nothing has changed.

It has actually taken years for real changes to happen. So, it may take patience.

First off, skip the alcohol. Alcohol, smoking, drugs, overeating -- these are all things we use to keep ourselves from being real with ourselves. They are all drugs. Skip the drugs and just be real.

Be transparent, regardless of the outcome. Are you able to take care of yourself if he does leave? You need to be. Every woman does. I would be really hurt if my dh left me, too, but I would have to go on. He could die at any time. I still have to go on without him.

Again, let go of the outcome. If you are transparent, you will feel good about yourself. You will know that even if things don't work out, you were honest and open. And if you are honest and open, what more could you really ask of yourself? You would have done the most possible.

Okay, another thing to remember is to do active listening. Basically, when he starts talking, just repeat back to him what he is saying. It should make him feel heard and respected. Just keep doing it. And do it sincerely! Really listen to him and try to understand him, even if what he is saying is painful. Be prepared to hear painful things. Not one of us is perfect. We all think our spouse is the problem. We don't look at ourselves. Be prepared to look at yourself.

If he gets calm enough and comfortable enough to ask you how you feel, be transparent, but in as respectful a way as possible. Use "I" statements. I feel xxx when I hear yyy, or I feel xxx when I see yyy, etc.

I know this must seem overwhelming. But it is worth a shot. Let us know how it goes.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Unfortunately it is unlikely to do any good to talk to your husband about this further. He probably thinks the reason you don't talk about these things is because he has them under control by shutting you down when you bring them up and that makes everything okay in his mind.
The real way to changes is to start doing things differently. Continuing along with the way you have been, including bringing it up again, has not worked so far and it is unlikely to work this time either.
Make changes in how you related to him and focus on building your life. You can only control yourself, so do what you can to improve your life.
Can you describe your life somewhat? Are you a homemaker or do you work outside the home? Can you support yourself? How many children do you have and what are their ages?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> *I didn't used to be so insecure. When we met, I knew I was gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, fun, proud, and strong. But over the last 7 years I have become an empty shell of that woman I used to be. The lack of sex has taken a toll on me. I question whether he is even attracted to me. The voids in conversation or when he just walks out of a room when I'm talking. I'm apparently not interesting anymore. He never smiles or laughs anymore. I don't believe I'm a fun person anymore. I could go on and on.
> *
> Fortunately, I will have liquid courage to aid me tomorrow. It just so happens that tomorrow is my best friend's birthday and we are supposed to go out to the bar with her. I normally don't drink, though he does. Somewhere in the recess of my mind, I have this thought that talking to him while we've both been drinking is going to be disastrous! But I also know that if I try to do it sober, I will chicken out and never say anything. I've read books. I've rehearsed what I want to say in my mind. I'm prepared to say what I need to get off my chest. What I'm not prepared for, is his reaction. I'm terrified that this may possibly be the worst decision of my life.
> 
> ...


What in the world is there to love here?? Read what I bolded from your post! Someone who does this to you is not a good person or worthy of your love. Why cant you leave, do you not work? What are you afraid of, being happy and having self worth? It will never get better until you stand up for yourself and change the behaviors that are enabling him to treat you like garbage. If you wont do that, then work on getting the courage to leave, otherwise welcome to the next 30-40 years of your "life".


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

marriage should not be a wilting experience. If anything the love and companionship of a good marriage should strengthen you, not weaken you.

Actually I like the idea of putting your sadness and loneliness into words on paper and have him read it. If trying to talk to him is so hard what do you have to lose?

One more thing - you ended your post with two things you CAN'T do. The fact is you CAN leave the marriage and you also CAN change it. Just the opposite of what you ended with above. 

In fact if your H is convinced you'll never leave or divorce regardless, that might be part of the problem. It may be you need to wake him up with the realization you might not end up together forever. Don't threaten, be a little creative and subtle but make that point to him. If that doesn't concentrate his attention on your relationship then you will at least know where he stands, and then react accordingly.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

MyHappyPlace said:


> *I am* horribly *terrified of talking to my husband*. I feel like every time I try to tell him how I'm feeling about anything personal to our relationship, *he rolls his eyes, mocks me, flat out ignores me, or plays the martyr* and somehow turns it around so that *I end up trying to stroke his ego*. *I always walk away feeling even worse than I did* before approaching, if that's even possible...
> 
> I didn't used to be so insecure. When we met, I knew I was gorgeous, incredibly intelligent, fun, proud, and strong. But *over the last 7 years I have become an empty shell* of that woman I used to be. *The lack of sex has taken a toll on me*. *I question whether he is even attracted to me*. The *voids in conversation or when he just walks out of a room when I'm talking*. I'm apparently not interesting anymore. *He never smiles or laughs anymore. I don't believe I'm a fun person anymore*. *I could go on and on*...
> 
> ...


You DON'T love him! This sounds like the BS you tell yourself to explain *why* you haven't left yet; why you've taken YEARS of this emotional abuse!

You don't LOVE him - you're afraid!
You don't LOVE him - you love the 'dream' of what your life could have been; what you thought it was GOING to be when you married him. But LIFE AIN'T A DREAM! 

Get into Individualized Counseling IMMEDIATELY to find out *why* you accept this (something in your childhood convinced you that this is all you deserve). 

Please read (download ebook, rent from library, buy for yourself) "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Read the chapters and answer IN WRITING every single question at the end of every single chapter. You will have much greater insight into what YOUR problem is...what the 'hole' inside of you is all about that you're 'trying' to fill up with this abusive/empty/soul-crushing marriage.

Fix YOU before you worry about fixing this marriage. After you fix YOU, you may decide that this marriage does not offer you ENOUGH of what you need to make a happy, healthy, successful life.

MANY people here on TAM have read this book and can attest to it's wisdom and insights!

BEST WISHES on a happier, healthier 2014 for you and your family!


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

> I love this man. I can't lose him.


I have read your stories and you are in what is called a "cycle of abuse". I know, I have been there and this is why you feel like a shell of your former self.

You may think you love him but what you have is a "traumatic bond" with him ... Google it.

Saying that you "can't loose him" is a sign that you think you are not worthy of love. That is usually a FOO issue and you need to figure out why and overcome it.

You (and your children) are being psychologically tortured, I'm not kidding. I suggest you read *"Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft*.

You need to know that your situation is in no way your fault. Some will say that you "allowed him to treat you this way". However, I believe that very few people are equipped to withstand this type of insidious psychological torture.

I agree with others that say you need to start fostering your own independence, both financially and socially. It will also help you to begin emotionally detaching from your H (see "the 180"). If not for yourself, think about what he is doing to your children.


----------



## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I liked most Cynthias post. Do things differently. That includes getting active in your community, getting new friends, meeting new people. Invite maybe your husband to come with you to some of the meetings. 
Women often talk talk talk, nag, nag nag and really it does not make much difference. If you are more outside orientated he might wake up a bit.


----------



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

Thank you for all the responses and sorry it took a bit of time to get back here. I've been BUSY! Like super busy changing things for myself!

We went out with my girlfriend and her husband Monday like planned. Had a BLAST! No way was I going to ruin it by bringing up any negativity. I went to bed almost as soon as we got home and woke up Tuesday feeling fantastic. 

So I started cleaning. I know my housekeeping is a sore point for him and it's been bad lately as we are still trying to move in so every time it looks acceptable, we drag in more boxes and it all falls apart again. My personal feeling is that it's all been in storage for 7 months, if it's still packed up, we don't really need it, but... he wants our home back to where it was pre-flood. He's more of a hoarder while I'm a minimalist. Anyway, I cleaned. and cleaned. and cleaned. Company came over that afternoon and I kept cleaning with them here even. The kids were all playing so my friend just hung out in whatever room I was working in while we chatted. Tuesday night we went to bed together, something we don't do often, so I cherished it! Still no talk, but hey, I'm feeling okay.

Wednesday I got up early and started cleaning more. By 6 in the evening, I was exhausted and said something along the lines of "I don't know what's wrong with me. Why I'm so tired." He looked at me, and said, "You've been working your a$$ off for 2 days! Of course you're tired, go take a nap." Is it stupid that that statement made me glow? He actually noticed and seemed appreciative!! 

Thursday I put my piercing back in which I only took out because he didn't like it. I happen to love it. So I figured I can compromise and take it out when I'm spending time with him, but wear it the rest of the time. I also signed up to volunteer at the local animal shelter and the NICU at the hospital. Both things I will enjoy doing and to keep myself busy. 

I've decided that I need to make myself happy and can only hope that he will see it. Maybe, just maybe, things aren't the same because I'M not the same. 

This whole week has been better. We've been talking more (though not about any major issues), physically the week has been much better, and I'm just in general feeling great and more hopeful. I think I hit a pretty bad depression and am working to crawl out of it.

@Cynthia ~ I am a homemaker. I stopped working shortly after becoming pregnant with our daughter in 2007 and stayed unemployed until late 2011. I fell in love with my job and started neglecting my family responsibilities. I ended up quitting in spring of 2013 to "fix" my family. We have 4 children, only one is his biologically. The boys are 15, 13, 8, and our daughter is 5. I spend my days sitting at home, volunteering at the elementary school, or visiting with my family while he sleeps. I take care of getting the kids up and ready for school, homework, meals, and bedtime routines. He gets home in time to drive our daughter to school and then comes home and plays on the computer for a few hours before going to bed. He will then sleep until after all the kids are in bed and it's time for him to get up and get ready for work.

@Nuclear ~ I did leave once. Last year. In the three weeks that I was gone, and I thought we were trying to work things out a bit, he met with a divorce attorney. Despite my dreams that he would fight for me, I tested him, and I came out the loser. I had to realize that he will not chase me or beg me to come back. EVER. It's not who he is. I cannot and will not ever risk that again.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It sounds like you are making positive changes, so your life doesn't revolve around your husband's attitude and behavior towards you. That is a step in the right direction.
Marriage should not be empty and lonely. This means that something is wrong. You feel bad because something is wrong. However, by enriching your own life and not relying on your husband for your fulfillment, that should help tremendously to make your life better.
Had you considered completing a degree or continuing education or finding something that you can do to make an income while the kids are at school? These kinds of things can help with a sense of purpose when you are not attending to the family.
I think that some homemakers struggle with the time when their kids are at school and they are at lose ends. Filling that time with something fulfilling and productive can help with that. The volunteer work you are doing will fill that time, but you might consider doing some enrichment so that when your children are going, you can transition into a career.


----------



## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

I'm not great at following all the back story here... *BUT* to answer your question

What do you do when you can't leave, and you can't make things change?

You take yourself out of the question... 
What I mean by that is....
Ask the question; "If it were totall strangers, then find what advise you would give to those strangers"? 
Try to look within yourself for some of the answers.



MyHappyPlace said:


> I tested him, and I came out the loser. I had to realize that he will not chase me or beg me to come back. EVER. It's not who he is. I cannot and will not ever risk that again.


So, it sounds like you're in a rut. Now, you would like him to change?
Why are conversations so hard?

You might need to work on looking in the mirror. (IMHO) `Seems like you need to stop looking for your husband to give you esteem.


----------



## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

So a quick update here: I talked to him. It wasn't near the conversation I wanted, in fact, it wasn't a conversation at all. But it was a step. Two actually.

A few nights ago, I wrote a note and though I didn't specifically give it to him, I left it out and it's now missing. So I'm guessing he picked it up, read it, and disposed of it. It was only two sentences but said something along the lines of how I felt that if I weren't here in front of him everyday, he would cease to remember I existed at all. Of course, nothing was ever said about it and I doubt he recalled it longer than it took to chuck it in the nearest trash can. 

The next night I had asked to use his phone (I don't have my own) to text my girlfriend real quick. He got all kinds of pissy about it but I chalked it up to the fact that he had been drinking more or less all day. I shot off the text real quick and lightly tossed the phone onto the couch near him. He said something as I was walking away and I responded with "I don't need this BS." Next thing I know, I hear his $400 Iphone sailing down the hall. I ignored it and went to bed as he passed out on the couch. Woke up the next morning and he was in bed. Went about the day with no problems. 

The next night he was looking for his tablet that he usually charges near the bed. However, the day before, the cables were all in use and he had asked me to plug it in at the desk. I did, and then forgot about it. So as he was looking for it, and getting really irate that it wasn't "where he put it," I helped him look, found it on the desk, and gave it to him. I don't even know what he was so angry about, but he threw the stupid tablet too. He'd been drinking again and was on his way to bed before work so I just let him sleep it off. 

When he got up, I finally found my voice! I very calmly told him that somethings gotta give. I told him that when he has 2-3 beers to just relax and mellow out, it's fine. But when he drinks all day he gets angry and mean. I told him that I HATE that our daughter gets scared of him and I HATE that at those times, I hate my husband. I stayed calm (probably because I was super sick and couldn't have raised my voice if I wanted to and was extremely exhausted to boot.) I was in bed at the time so I said my piece and laid back down. He said nothing. But he did go out in the kitchen and dump all the rest of the beer down the drain. Came back into the room and said "There. No more beer." Got ready for work, gave me a kiss, and left. 

I call it a victory. It's going to be very rough for awhile because whether he wants to admit it or not, he is an alcoholic, and quitting is going to suck. For all of us. But I also know that in the long run, it will be so much better for our children.

Ok, so I lied about the "quick update." SORRY!


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Have you considered going to Alanon? I've heard good things about it.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Read some books like Men are from Mars so you get a sense of how men think, but yes, you should be able to talk with him,


----------

