# Our "last" Christmas



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

In one week my husband and our children and I will celebrate our last Christmas together in our home, as a family. With the plans made for him to move into his own place on January 1 (something that we have been working toward for months now) it just seems so sad. Living together the last few months and mainly the last few weeks have been difficult to say the least. Mainly because we have been spending so much time together. Dinners and family time. H has opted to sleep lay in bed with me and watch TV until we fall asleep (like the old days) and I wake up with him holding me. IT is confusing to me because from one perspective it looks and feels as if he is having second thoughts, but he then writes me an email saying that he is still moving out and it is "for our quality of life" He adds that wouldn't I rather live apart than live with him being a miserable bastard towards me and the kids? He wants a divorce but when I told him ok, go file, he hasn't. The kids are happy to have us all together, but I am dredding that right after Christmas the move will start and then they will be sad. Anyone going thru anything similar with being seperated and living together during holiday?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am sorry that u are going through this. I would stop all the touching and laying in bed together cause it is going to make it harder for you to let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

It is a tough thing to go through - have been there myself - enjoy the moment and then focus on the things that need doing and give yourself time to grieve. Hope you have a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen as you go through this. Of course TAM is here. There is light at the other end of the tunnel. You will survive and each successive Christmas will get a little brighter.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm right there with you LW, with a few differences. 

stbxw is moving out Saturday the 22nd. She also asked for divorce but wouldn't do anything to do it. Left all the paperwork, filing, etc up to me. I think so on some level she can say, "He divorced ME". I first suggested separation but pulled it off the table when it was clear she was planning on dating her OM and it was only to "ease me out of the marriage". 

I started sleeping on the couch a month back, because if I went to bed she would still come home and crawl in with me. I can't handle that! Way too hard. Since being on the couch she's told me I can come sleep in the bed "for your back". Says she's worried about my comfort. I told her my emotional comfort is MUCH more important than my physical comfort. Plus, why wasn't she worried about my comfort when she was staying out all night with her OM? Please!

So she's moving out days before Xmas but will be coming over early Xmas morning so we can put on a show for our 6yo daughter, who will be staying with me. Originally she wanted to stay here Xmas eve but I told her no as it was clearly just for her convenience - she gets off work after D6 goes to bed and it would not benefit D6 at all. 

It is very sad, confusing, and extremely awkward. But what can you do other than put on a smile for the kiddos and give them the best christmas possible under the circumstances? ALL focus on them that day! No arguments of any kind. If stbx starts one, walk out of the room and go play with kiddo and new toys.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

I am all about Christmas it is my favorite time of year but this year I am ready to get it over with already. Not even sure how it is going to go but I am ready for it to be over. I am ready for 2013!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

OP I know exactly what you are going through. My H moved out a week after Xmas last year. I was heartbroken. But we are now reconciled. He moved back in April and things are going great. There is always hope my dear, even on those darkest days. My thoughts are with you 
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Part of me is smiling that there is hope....but for now I have to go on like he isn't going to be coming home. He seems so sure of his decision and that this is the right thing because he can't change his feelings back to being in love with me anymore. I guess only time will tell. My goal is getting myself and my children thru this and working on myself and the other part of me is afraid that when he realizes what he has done and comes back, I won't want to. I love him, but I don't think I could EVER go thru this again and that fear may keep me from allowing a R.

Daisy how were the months you were apart? What role did he play in your life/kids life? How did he come back? (if you don't mind sharing....

Either way I am happy for you and I do believe in second chances !


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## soniaBliss (Nov 28, 2012)

Hi Lovingwife,

There’s someone I know how is going through a similar situation. Her husband left her but from time to time he will want to spend time with her. She still loves him as a person, but she now realizes that she doesn't want to be with someone that doesn't know what he wants. She knows the longer she spends time with him shes causing herself harm. I ask my friend if you got in a terrible accident to the point were you couldn’t walk, do you think he would be there for you? She answered no! And now she has made her choice the best one for her and her kids. She doesn’t want her children seeing that this is how a relationship is supposed to look like.

I hope you make the right decision for you and your children.

Thanks,
Sonia


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I always thought he was "that" guy. He was loyal and faithful and committed to a fault. But these days he is different, more self centered, all about justifying his actions to make it seem like he is doing what is best for all of us. So "no" I am not sure if I was hit by a truck that I would wake from a coma and find him sitting at my bedside.....I would hope so, after all the times I took care of him, but I don't know anymore....


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I always thought he was "that" guy. He was loyal and faithful and committed to a fault. But these days he is different, more self centered, all about justifying his actions to make it seem like he is doing what is best for all of us. So "no" I am not sure if I was hit by a truck that I would wake from a coma and find him sitting at my bedside.....I would hope so, after all the times I took care of him, but I don't know anymore....


This is what makes my D difficult. I know that my stbxw would be at the hospital in a flash - even now. I've *never* questioned that. But absent some shocking emergency would she be there for me? Only sometimes. She's proven that. And this is what tells me that she is emotionally and mentally unstable. She is unable to effectively and consistently empathize, communicate, and love. She is way too guarded - goes into survival mode at the drop of a pin, and lashes out to protect herself from perceived threats (even if it's just a slight change in my tone of voice or a look on my face). And in her survival mode - I get wounded emotionally. So I pull back and become guarded, which makes her feel unloved. And the cycle repeats. 

I've been willing to work through that, but she has been unwilling to seek help, choosing to "power through it" instead. Which eventually led to her affair, which compounded the issues exponentially. Instead of powering through it... this time she powered right through me. And her unwillingness to help me patch up that hole and our bond is why I must let her go - and help her leave. I had to stop fighting a losing battle. 

One more Christmas.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I think the same thing happend with my husband. He said he had been feeling disconnected and not part of the family for over a year. Although it seemed to me as if he was the one disconnecting. I guess I made alot of parental choices without him, because he work alot etc. I know I should have informed him and I am living with my part in making him feel that way. 

Anyway H said that he was trying (on his own) to change the way he was feeling and make things better......he never saught help and didn't really try to talk to me about it (without coming off like he was belittling me) until he told me he wasn't in love anymore......And then he said it was too late.....so I guess I feel like he did a really crappy job "trying" on his own and I have made huge changes since I found out how he feels, because that is how important our marriage is to me. His involvement with the OW, just made things so much more difficult for us, and her contacting me caused me to lash out at him. He says he stopped contact with her but, he has lied so much to me that I can't believe him. 12 DAYS and things will forever be changed in my home and family. My only concern is getting my kids thru this without too mch pain.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

one more thing......I was diagnosed with Cancer in Oct and when he found out he cried and held me and made love to me.....but did not change his plans to move out and seek divorce.....so I go to radiation by myself ...... he asked to go, but I refused him......I don't need him there out of pity or as my friend. I have other friends. I told him if he can't be there as my husband, then not to be there at all.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> one more thing......I was diagnosed with Cancer in Oct and when he found out he cried and held me and made love to me.....but did not change his plans to move out and seek divorce.....so I go to radiation by myself ...... he asked to go, but I refused him......I don't need him there out of pity or as my friend. I have other friends. I told him if he can't be there as my husband, then not to be there at all.


Yes, trying to be supportive friends after this just reminds us that they are no longer supportive spouses - and does NOT help. It's so frustrating to know that if only they had made us aware of the issues that had with us sooner, things would be different. But after an affair its often too little too late and we can't trust the same again. 

Their loss! We better ourselves and as we move on we realize we don't need them, we just wanted them. 

So sorry to hear about your diagnoses. I hope your treatment goes well and you find the love and support that you need in your true friends. Don't hesitate to lean on them.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> one more thing......I was diagnosed with Cancer in Oct and when he found out he cried and held me and made love to me.....but did not change his plans to move out and seek divorce.....so I go to radiation by myself ...... he asked to go, but I refused him......I don't need him there out of pity or as my friend. I have other friends. I told him if he can't be there as my husband, then not to be there at all.


I wish I was that strong right now. I too easily take any sign as hope for the future.

In a similar position here, live in separation though here it's her choosing but of my making. moving out some time in Jan as her wanting to be friends with me wanting so much more is too hard under the same roof.

It hit me tonight as "we" were wrapping present that it will be the last time. This is the last Christmas we will be anything resembling a family unit and I hate myself for it even though I'd do anything to avoid it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm truly sorry to hear about your plight. What he is putting you through is nothing short of being sheer torture!

May our Heavenly Father continue to keep you in his watch and provide for your every need! You will fastly remain in my prayers, m'dear! Please continue to keep us posted!


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks to everyone who posted. I know things will never ever be the same once he moves out. I have done all I can to try to convince him to stay and give us another chance. He agrees to stay and live together but refuses to work on the relationship and still talks about being divorced. (which in my mind means he wants the comforts of living here, but the freedom to date and do what he wants without me getting anything out of it) 

That is unacceptable to me.

If you love someone set them free, if they realize they F%$#%& up and come back after their MLC is over and everyone is still standing ...........we will see.....if not at least I will be sane!:smthumbup:


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

My STBX is moving out next weekend too, so it's the last Christmas for us, although I don't feel it's a 'family' Christmas. It's been easier for me because he works 12-hour nights so I barely see him half the week. We've been in separate beds for months, and there's no way in heck I'd want to cuddle with him and watch TV. This season I've focused on fun things outside the home, such as Christmas parties, hanging with friends, etc. He's working Christmas Eve night so family time will be limited to an hour or two after he gets home Christmas morning. Then the kids and I head to Grandma's. In the evening he gets the kids back and I head to the movies with my sisters. If it's over, you need to distance yourself. You're not alone, you've got family and friends to support you and help keep you busy, just let them know what you need and let them help.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Seems like you're clinging to the past and perhaps have some apprehension about being alone. There must of been a problem if you are now getting divorced. It may seem sad now, but you will be happier in the future. This is your last christmas with the person you're divorcing, not your last christmas ever. There's a saying, 'Too little, too late", that you should think of. Also, yes you have cancer and it is unfortunate, but you will get through this, you will be fine. Someday you will look back and be glad you stuck to your guns. Think of your happiness.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Can u friggin believe we have just finished one of the best Christmas' together in years. Last night and today went really well. Talked a lot about, stuff. I got sad last night t one point and said that ths will be the last year both of us will be able to share in all of our kids holidays ..... He made comment saying that we wold be seeing each other next Christmas and that they wouldn't miss anything. I said yes they will. We will not be spending Christmas together like this again. He seemed sad and got quiet. He and I feel asleep together on sofa watching the lights on the tree. Like many years past. Woke up again with him holding me. 

I know u all told me to disconnect!!!!! I am trying. Slight backslide. 

Today was awesome, just us and kids. Watching a Christmas story tonight. Laughing. Just being together. 

He moves out jan 1. One week from today. I want to tell him we should rethink this but I am afraid I am the only one who feels it is wrong. Afraid of rejection again. He acts one way but still holds to the choice he made. 

I have to just accept it. Our last Christmas together is almost over


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## Too Little Too Late? (Sep 2, 2012)

Lovingwife315 said:


> Can u friggin believe we have just finished one of the best Christmas' together in years. Last night and today went really well. Talked a lot about, stuff. I got sad last night t one point and said that ths will be the last year both of us will be able to share in all of our kids holidays ..... He made comment saying that we wold be seeing each other next Christmas and that they wouldn't miss anything. I said yes they will. We will not be spending Christmas together like this again. He seemed sad and got quiet. He and I feel asleep together on sofa watching the lights on the tree. Like many years past. Woke up again with him holding me.
> 
> I know u all told me to disconnect!!!!! I am trying. Slight backslide.
> 
> ...


Heartbreaking..keep your chin up and stay strong. As they say..this too shall pass. Merry Christmas.


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