# Can my marriage be fixed?



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

Our 5 year marriage has hit rock bottom. I am so unhappy that i can't see passed the resentment i have and lack of affection. Problem #1 - our sex life has stopped (he doesn't feel as horny he says) Problem # 2 - we don't communicate. Problem #3 There is no passion no romance.

Example - No sex - if we do have (maybe once a week if im lucky and i have to ask most of the time) it is for 5 min or less. There is no love making to it, no passion that love making can create, No caressing, no nothing.

Example - No Communication - he will not talk to me about our problems. He believes if you ignore it, it will go away. If we do talk about us it makes him quiet, defensive and moody. He even rolls his eyes at me. He tells me if i spoke to him when he is in a better mood that will be better (i never know when that is).

Example - No Passion, no romance - I used to greet him at the door and he used to be so happy to see me then after 1 year of relationship he would come home looking grumpy and i would hug him or even offer him sex and he would snap at me and get in shower so then i stopped greeting.
I used to snuggle upto him and sometimes sit on his lap and make out and that would turn him on now we hardly cuddle, kiss or make out. I don't bother now cause he looks bored when he is not in the mood which makes me more insecure.

My heart is breaking because i don't feel he is attracted to me at all (even if he does tell me im the only woman for him and he doesn't want anyone else. I just don't feel that way) I don't feel he is in love with me (i think he loves me just not in love with me) and i feel so lonely.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

"I am so unhappy that i can't see passed the resentment i have and lack of affection."

*Thats a real problem in alot of marriages resentment is a killer. 


"he will not talk to me about our problems. He believes if you ignore it, it will go away. 

*He needs to get out of denial. Problems do not "just" go away. If nothing is dealt with it will still be there later on. 


"He tells me if i spoke to him when he is in a better mood that will be better (i never know when that is)"

*Tell him you're not a mind reader. I have a feeling if you asked him if he was in the mood to talk, he would tell you no even if he was in a good mood. Doesn't sound like he wants to deal with anything. 

Any idea at all WHY he stopped some of the things he used to do with you?


----------



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

i have to admit we had threesomes and swinging cause he wanted to try it and i was willing to do this cause i was secure. Once we done it i saw how he was with another woman and it bothered me and it went from there. I was constantly nagging him if he still loved me or found me attractive. He also went on a porn site that you can chat with a woman and tell her what to do. That made me really insecure. I think he lies to me cause i def don't hear the whole truth when he talks to me. He tells me he is not horny often but yet he likes to look at woman's profile pictures and porn. Im fine with that cause he doesnt flirt or message thses people. I also very insecure he gets along with his female co worker which he gets along with very well and he seems happier to be at work with her than myself.


----------



## psionivy (Apr 4, 2011)

All you can do is try if that is what you are willing to do. I would sit him down and talk to him and tell him honestly how you are feeling- it may not get you a response but maybe he will stop and think about what he is doing, if he loves you he will see your hurt. Just do not go at it with anger you need to have a heart to heart with him.


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Lonesomedove said:


> i have to admit we had threesomes and swinging cause he wanted to try it and i was willing to do this cause i was secure. Once we done it i saw how he was with another woman and it bothered me and it went from there. I was constantly nagging him if he still loved me or found me attractive. He also went on a porn site that you can chat with a woman and tell her what to do. That made me really insecure. I think he lies to me cause i def don't hear the whole truth when he talks to me. He tells me he is not horny often but yet he likes to look at woman's profile pictures and porn. Im fine with that cause he doesnt flirt or message thses people. I also very insecure he gets along with his female co worker which he gets along with very well and he seems happier to be at work with her than myself.


Well, how much do you truly want to know whats going on? You might want to check things out further. I wouldn't accuse him of anything, right now just play it cool until you know for sure on things. 

It could be just the porn OR it could be this other coworker of his as well. If he seems happier at work, than at home, I would make a safe bet to say something is up. Have you tried checking things out yourself? Or could you get someone to check further on things for you with him and this other woman?


----------



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

well i can say it is safe to say he is not cheating on me with her (unless he is taking her in the office bathroom to have fun in the morning) he doesn't go out at all. We basically spend 24/7 together. He texted her one morning like 10 texts in 1 hour's time cause she stayed home to study one day but he works right beside her and he doesn't hide his phone either so i read the messages and no flirting except for one message saying miss you come back!! cause it is a small office and the female co-worker is the only one that is lively and chatty. I don't think he is cheating i jsut think he is unhappy in our marriage and only staying with me cause he loves me and doesnt want to hurt me. I don't think he is in love with me naymore like when we first were together. i have stopped the constant nagging and jelousy except when on my monthly cycle but still feel distant cause i feel like im trying but don't see much effort from him.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

He could possibly be having an emotional affair. Even if he isn't "cheating" physically, obviously she has his attention. A married man shouldn't be sending or receiving texts from other women like that. He can't focus on his marital problems at home, and doesn't want to deal with them because his attention is elsewhere.


----------



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

if it isn't flirting text messages why is it not ok with texting? He gets mad at me if i ask him to stop looking at woman's profiles cause it makes me insecure he thinks im trying to control him. If i ask him not to be friends or text his female friend at work i will def get yelled at and he would storm off and be mad for a few days. I think he just doesnt understand me. He def doesnt have empathy towards my feelings tho.


----------



## nynaeve3 (Apr 12, 2011)

Hey Lonesomedove, I think as Jamison asked, can you recall why things changed with your husband and he stopped doing things he used to? Has he stopped other hobbies/leisure activities too? Just wondering whether there's some event happened that's made him depressed or low in mood thus lower his libido or something.


----------



## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

trey69 said:


> He could possibly be having an emotional affair. Even if he isn't "cheating" physically, obviously she has his attention. A married man shouldn't be sending or receiving texts from other women like that. He can't focus on his marital problems at home, and doesn't want to deal with them because his attention is elsewhere.


:iagree: This is my thinking as well.

If he wants to help fix the marriage he needs to be a willing participant to do so, he needs to bring his focus back on you and the marriage. Him not wanting to talk about things because he isn't in the mood, is BS. maybe you need to ask him to let you know when he is in a good mood to talk. I wonder how long you might have to wait.


----------



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

the swinging was once with him and me and another woman then the 2nd time was with a couple man and woman 3rd time was couple and girls having fun and guys watching but sticking to same partner. He lost his sex drive when he got depressed and he is insecure himself. He has no friends really cause he finds it hard to talk to people. He used to be able to talk to me about anything but since i became jelouse and insecure in myself i nagged him a lot and now when we have talks he remembers the nagging and thats why he rolls his eyes and gets upset when i talk to him about my feelings. i know its me that stops him from sex but i need affection too and love and care to stop me from being insecure it is like a endless cycle


----------



## Lonesomedove (Apr 25, 2011)

yes thanks that made sense and what im trying to do now is be me and not talk about my feelings if he is down and moody i will just continue being me and not worry. Im told you cant worry about things you cant control. If he is gonna cheat there is nothing i can do to change that and just try and work on us and be happy so he is happy. Thanks for the advice


----------

