# help... wife wants to separate



## allnamesaretaken (Sep 27, 2016)

I will try to condense this as much as possible.. heres the situation...
Ive been married to my wife for almost 3 years... we dated for 8 before that... the past 3-4 years it seems like we have done nothing but argue... probably every day.. not over anything big/important.. just being short/impatient with each other... so a few months ago I brought up how maybe we are just too different now.. she told me I was being ridiculous and she didn't agree.. a few weeks ago after an argument that conversation came up again.. she said he just needs to know that i still love her... and because of a mix of anger/ignorance/stupididty i asked her that if i said i loved her.. wouldnt i be shallow since the only thing still the same about her is the way she looks... after that she completely shut down... she has been so distant since then.. and ive tried everything to get her back.. i took her to virginia for the weekend to relax/hike in the mountains.. and she was on her phone the entire time.. when we got home i discovered she was talking to a guy from work the whole time.. saying some innappropriate things... after fighting/crying for a few days we agreed to try and work things out.. im still very much in love with her and she says she still is with me.. and she says she wants things to work out.. we are even still intimate.. but majority of the time she is still vey distant.. whenever i try to talk to her about where we are i would usually just give me a bunch of "i dont know".. but i told her i need something else.. i need to know what we can do to start moving forward... so she says separation.. like selling our home and buying our own places... like i said ive been trying everything to fix this.. but she told me it doesnt matter how sweet/fun i am.. its not going to change anything.. the only thing she wants now is time away... but i feel like that is giving up... i guess i am being a bt too clingy now... but destroying the life we have built and doing absolutely nothing seems like a terrible idea... she says it isnt so she can meet someone else.. she doesnt want to cheat she just needs to figure things out alone... and she thinks im just trying so hard because im afraid to be alone... but im supposed to try.. how would it look now if i just up and left.. i dont know what to do... should i keep trying every day to make her feel loved and appreciated without smothering her... or should i just leave for a few weeks/months and hope she calls???


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So you brought up separation by suggesting you're too different, then when she asked if you still loved her you basically said no. 

To bully her when you thought she wasn't going anywhere.

Now your bluff has been called and you're in a panic.

Why exactly did you not take this opportunity to tell your wife you love her?

She doesn't trust you anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, she's having AT LEAST an emotional affair with some guy at work and now she wants to separate. Best guess, she wants to see how things work out with him while you are on hold in case it doesn't go well with her OM.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

If you really want it to work out, leaving will send her a wrong message. Don't leave! If she wants a separation, then she needs to be the one to walk.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

So you do not consider talking with another man and saying inappropriate things as "cheating". ??? Then tell me what is "cheating"?? Only when she has sex with him, which there is a very good chance may have happened already if she works with him.

Why don't you do yourself a favor and google "Signs your wife is cheating". My guess is that in addition to her being "distant" you will find a few of the things on that list going on.

Now until you do some snooping, since she volunteered nothing on this other guy, you might want to understand that the desire for separation, combined with being involved with another man ( she is, you do not know to what extent yet), usually translates to this.

She wants to separate so she can live the single life, have her boyfriend, and have you waiting around when she decides if she still wants to be married. That is called being Plan B.

Now if you do not consider sexual conversations with other men that she does not tell you about as cheating then do nothing. If you do consider that cheating, which probably brought you to this forum, then I suggest you start taking the advice you are going to get, and start with a VAR in her car. You will probably get answers to what she is or is not doing in less than a week because if she has a boyfriend she will be talking to him. 

She has already lied to you so I would not make any assumptions that every word out of her mouth is the truth.


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## 1111volcano (May 25, 2016)

Like what others said, I think she wants this guy as a side piece. I think she has already cheated, if not then I think she wants to have sex w/ him. Figure out what you want and how you would deal w/ the fact she wants to cheat. Do you want a woman like that? You can do better there are a lot of women out there that needs love. There's more fish in the sea
........

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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If you fight that much, you two are either immature or a bad match. It's ok if you're not a match.

You say "how would it look?". That's a TERRIBLE statement. Look to whom? Why do you care what it looks like. That tells me you are more worried about appearances than in the facts in the ground.

Yes you are being clingy and unattractive. Personally I think it's good that you called BS on this relationship. That was her chance to fight for the relationship or give up. Personally I think she is immature and a bit shallow to just give up, but it could also mean she was never really into you.

I'm not one to just say divorce, but I really don't know what you have to save here. If you want to save this, she HAS to fully agree and give up this other man. But I think he's now plan A, but I think it's just to hurt you. So if that's the case, she doesn't sound ready for marriage. If it isn't to hurt you, then it's worse.

I'd say you both face to decide you're all in to fix the marriage, or part ways and move on.

But it's your life...


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

She is emotionally involved with the guy in work. 
Now unfortunately she sees an escape from the possible problems or lacking emotional support in your marriage. 
The grass is looking greener for now with the man from work. 

At the moment, I think you should let her have the space because she will unlikely be willing to work on the marriage with you. 

Two things can happen, 
1. She may conduct a physical relationship with this other man during a temporary separation from the marriage. 

2. She may see that OM is a loser & then want to return and work on your marriage. 

If no 2 happens, get yourselves into marriage counseling services. 

But right now she has rosy coloured glasses regarding OM. 
She will keep comparing until she sees him in reality, this may only happen when you give her space. 

Let her go or put your foot down and set up some boundaries regarding contact with work guy.
But unfortunately I cannot see her giving up work guy. 


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> She is emotionally involved with the guy in work.
> Now unfortunately she sees an escape from the possible problems or lacking emotional support in your marriage.
> The grass is looking greener for now with the man from work.
> 
> ...




ONLY Do this if you can reconcile with her after she decides to have sex with another man AFTER realizing you know about the relationship.

Many / most men will never accept that level of betrayal, disrespect and humiliation. I know, for me, it means unequivocally that she stopped seeing me as #1 and decided, however briefly, to put someone else before me. I hold myself to the same standard. If I decide to screw someone else, I know I am ending my marriage first. So that's the standard I would apply to my W.

For some reason, [some] women are better able to reconcile after a PA than men. I don't know how anyone can though.

Read the threads showing the hollow, gut-wrenching lives BS live for decades in some cases if you think R after a PA is a doable thing for you.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

allnamesaretaken said:


> she says it isnt so she can meet someone else.. she doesnt want to cheat she just needs to figure things out alone... and she thinks im just trying so hard because im afraid to be alone... but im supposed to try.. how would it look now if i just up and left.. i dont know what to do... should i keep trying every day to make her feel loved and appreciated without smothering her... or should i just leave for a few weeks/months and hope she calls???


You aren't responsible for her. The 1-word definition for your actions would be "selfish". Trying is one thing; Trying to control the situation is another.

Reconciliation is stupid-simple. Reconnection is stupid-simple. Unfortunately, individuals/couples foul it up and make it hard and never-ending.

Part of her accusing you of the fear to be alone is her calling for 'outgoing love'. Part of it is doubt. You are very caught up in the fear of her emotional reaction. Yes, often the best advice doesn't appear to go over so well. You need patience to see it through.

There is a lot of situational context that I/we don't have, so precise advice is impossible. Generally, you do what you did very early on; offer her your hand. She never had to go on date #3 with you.

Offer your love to her. Offer your self-development to her. That involves taking 100% responsibility for yourself, regardless if anyone else does for themselves. Offer your understanding. Due it being M to F, the most powerful tool is to use the 80/20 communication rule. Forget about convincing and explaining things to her. Let her do 80 percent of the talking, where the 20 percent you have is dominated by probing her to continue to elaborate. When she is talking, don’t formulate your responses: listen!


Best of luck


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Seems like she didn't check out until you told her you didn't love her because she changed.

But you don't know, you can't know. If you've been fighting a lot she could have been looking around for quite some time for your replacement and your words just sealed the deal for her and justified what she was either doing or about to do.

Now what can you do?

Don't know that there's much if anything to save here, you both want out it's just a matter of who wants it more.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> So, she's having AT LEAST an emotional affair with some guy at work and now she wants to separate. Best guess, she wants to see how things work out with him while you are on hold in case it doesn't go well with her OM.


OP, you don't need to go further that this ^^ She is putting you on the back-burner to see how the other guy works out. Whatever reconciliation you may try will be futile. Yeah, you made a mistake. Who doesn't? Not a justification for adultery.

Lemme give you some prophecy. She will go have sex with/live with this fella from work. When it doesn't work because it most likely won't (guy is probably just looking for sex) she will come back to you wanting to work it out.


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## allnamesaretaken (Sep 27, 2016)

I guess bullying would be the right term for what I was doing to her... I just never thought splitting was ever anything I would have to worry about.. So I let anger get the best of me and never took the time to filter or think about what I was saying to her... We are high school sweethearts so the relationship maturity/communication skills were never where they were supposed to be I guess.. This is why we argued so much.. Little petty things but they were never actually solved.. Just pushed aside for later.. But I do believe she is done talking with this man unprofessionally.. Her phone was constantly in her hand.. And I questioned her about him while she was doing it so she pretty much understood hat I knew.. Since it blew up she hardly ever has her phone.. If she wants me to leave so bad.. Or isn't interested in working it out.. Wouldn't she just continue? And this guy was never a real option to move forward with.. At least not right now.. He is married with a baby on the way.. I think she was just seeking emotional support from whoever she could after I said that horrible thing.. I'm hoping this space thing is just a test.. And after some time she will see that I'm still serious and trust me enough to give it another shot.. It's just that walking away seems like a lazy/counter productive option.. How will that show her she is loved/wanted/appreciated?? If she doesn't trust that I still care about her maybe she's just trying to push me away to see what I'll do?? Plus after hours of not sleeping.. Just reading over forums about trial separations.. They seem to have only about a 3% success rate.. And that is being optimistic.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's already cheating.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> She's already cheating.


I agree, at least an emotional affair [EA].

[Not so] funny thing. Why is it that POSOM's often cheat on their pregnant wives?

Part of it may happen because the poor darlings have not had sex in a while.

Those that do this are double-dic-weeds.

You need to monitor her fast...a voice activated recorder under her car seat and one in the home, where she usually calls from. Get them at Best Buy...Sony brand...60 bucks each. Don't buy any of the cheap ones.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

She is already cheating. The phone means nothing. She knows you have noticed it. Look for a "burner" phone and if she works with him she does not need to be constantly on the phone. Check your phone bills, and put a VAR in her car and you will find out what you need to know quickly. That will cost you about $100 at Best Buy.

And lastly, get the idea out of your head that because this OM has a baby on the way he won't be interested in banging your wife. They already probably have if there is this inappropriate conversation. If you know who he is TELL HIS WIFE WHAT YOU KNOW AND do not tell your wife you are doing it.

If your wife gets furious that means she is protecting him at your expense. 

And lastly, get the "separation" idea out of your head. You either work it out or your divorce. The translation for a wife who you know is already having inappropriate contact of any kind with another man and wants "separation" means she wants to "try him out" without you in the way. And if you think she is cheating now or close to it, what are you going to think when she is no where in sight and you have to take her word for everything.

Don't be Plan B, where she tries boyfriend out and falls back on you when it ends


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## FustratedinCA (Oct 7, 2016)

allnamesaretaken said:


> I guess bullying would be the right term for what I was doing to her... I just never thought splitting was ever anything I would have to worry about.. So I let anger get the best of me and never took the time to filter or think about what I was saying to her... We are high school sweethearts so the relationship maturity/communication skills were never where they were supposed to be I guess.. This is why we argued so much.. Little petty things but they were never actually solved.. Just pushed aside for later.. But I do believe she is done talking with this man unprofessionally.. Her phone was constantly in her hand.. And I questioned her about him while she was doing it so she pretty much understood hat I knew.. Since it blew up she hardly ever has her phone.. If she wants me to leave so bad.. Or isn't interested in working it out.. Wouldn't she just continue? And this guy was never a real option to move forward with.. At least not right now.. He is married with a baby on the way.. I think she was just seeking emotional support from whoever she could after I said that horrible thing.. I'm hoping this space thing is just a test.. And after some time she will see that I'm still serious and trust me enough to give it another shot.. It's just that walking away seems like a lazy/counter productive option.. How will that show her she is loved/wanted/appreciated?? If she doesn't trust that I still care about her maybe she's just trying to push me away to see what I'll do?? Plus after hours of not sleeping.. Just reading over forums about trial separations.. They seem to have only about a 3% success rate.. And that is being optimistic.


Maybe try being the man that she fell in love with? I think that is what I miss most about my husband


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

You are overthinking this whole thing.........The bottom line is when she wants to leave, hold the door open for her and kick her in the ass on the way out. You will save money, time and angst in the long run. Trust me on this. It will also preserve your dignity.


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