# Lowered expectations in marriage please someone tell me I’m wrong



## 1-2watch (May 9, 2017)

It’s Sunday and I’m so happy that my Sports Team brought in a playoff victory. Well that’s something to be happy about, I’m in Miami in a Aloft hotel where my wife and I are here because she is taking a micro blading course/class, and as of now i dropped her off this morning for day 2 and I’m in the hotel watching tv and writing my heart. We both work in banking industry and due to sickness I think she’s been black balled in moving up the company chain so as time went on she has found a passion and I’m here to support her in the new passion. The hopes is that this passion can bring in solid money to where she does not have to work corporate anymore. We/I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she supported me through the very beginning to where we got 50/50 custody and with this there has been established a wonderful relationship w my daughter. 

Financially we purchased a home over a year ago so new stresses and finances from there but in 6 years being together I can really say we haven’t ever had money as an issue or fight. We just seemed to work it out together or bring this to each other’s attention. I’m 35 she’s 32, my daughter is 7. The issue that lies as of now is for the last 4.5 years/5 years we have been dealing w endometriosis, numerous doctors nobody believing her request, on birth control off periods for 20-25 days within the month. Just been really hard for her and hard for me mentally physically and emotionally. With endometriosis she had joined a support group and as of recently the last couple months we flew from one state to another to have a Dr tell her these Drs that you worked on are crazy. He took out 95% of the endometriosis I took off for 3.5 weeks to be there with her. 

So the hard part seems to eventually be behind her while this happened in early December she will go back to work mid January. I’ve taken main point with my daughter, the house choirs, cleaning, and not to mention two weeks before this surgery my wife’s brother in 20s from incarceration is living w us. This is another subject regarding this but yes some stress w this but he is expected to be living w us for 9 months. Yes we’ve had some disagreements about him, but she has supported me on EVERYTHING w him even if she showed she didn’t want to so I can appreciate that. My issue as of now is I’m just really tired. We were discussing our goals for the year and I go back in forth looking at how long it’s been since we’ve had sex or oral or anything. She verbally has mentioned she’s been selfish and is getting better. She says that if she was to do anything it would make it horny for her and very difficult to do things where she can’t be pleased. Her stomach is in pain because dec 1st she had myometomy surgery and had her stomach cut open fibroids taken out. 

Am I selfish because I’ve gone over 40 days w no sex, no anything maybe her grinding every now and then or maybe in that time jerked me off once or twice. So this is not just about the last 40 days but in the last two years 41 x we’ve had sex and the year before 45 days. I’ve never cheated on her, she had emotionally cheated on me with a man of her past and had sexual conversations where she mentioned we never had sexual issues. I’ve seen some very hurtful things don’t trust Snapchat or social media and I’ve never had any of those things while in this relationship. As to her why, she mentioned that I verbally abused her, and emotionally abused her but yes there’s a but. She mentioned because I made her feel like she wasn’t a good wife or I just wasn’t happy and I would voice it to her. So that’s what she would qualify as that. I’m a realist she’s an optimist. In the past year I can say things w trust have become better so I’m not holding this over her. 

I personally feel like if she physically cheated tell me so I can bounce and keep it moving but till this day she has said she didn’t have sexual intercourse. Well in a marriage i guess people just lie.  I’m honestly saddened and hurt by this marriage and I could write for days. I guess I want to know am I wrong because I know she had surgery a month and some days ago, and want sex. I feel I’m human and just want the sexual connection between her and me as well as I don’t want to mess up or do anything wrong. I’m sure the questions will come so please ask a way. Thanks for looking at my long winded story. 


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You want sex and place the importance of that over her illness. She is ill and has had surgeries but could still be more considerate of your needs. I don't know what the solution is, but I think you are both very selfish.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Key question: How long after the surgery was she not supposed to have sex per the surgeon????

I've had a hysterectomy.

I had to wait 6 weeks.

I joined a hysterectomy forum. Many many many posters were relating how hard it was to wait the six weeks of abstinence advised, and were waiting in anticipation of the 6 weeks being up so they could be intimate with their husbands.


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## 1-2watch (May 9, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Key question: How long after the surgery was she not supposed to have sex per the surgeon????
> 
> I've had a hysterectomy.
> 
> ...




The Dr. said 4-6 weeks. Surgery was November 29th. I know she is in pain and do not discount that. If not sex there are other things that can be pleasing but she mentioned she is being selfish and new year new goals trying to get better. I’m human and in need of my wife. 


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

There are a lot of things going one at once here... 

I am prior service and have been through deployments so I know what it is like to go without sex for months at a time. Even if you have no experience in this kind of separation you know the frame of reference so think of her health and surgeries as a deployment... right now your mission is for her to heal, and heal well so accept the selfless nature of such and refocus on the things you can improve your love and kindness with her without sex.

Are you willing to look at it like this? You are running with too many minds right now... when you allow your desires to compromise your commitments, it is a losing choice every time.

What are your wholesome interests?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Well you have a lot going on here, and it sounds like it's been a tough road. The good news is you are getting to a place where things can get better. Both my sisters, and my sister in law had endometriosis so I know it can be really brutal. I'm sure her past emotional infidelity is a big factor in you being a little impatient in getting things back to a normal sexual relationship, the two of you have more work to do there. I guess I would 

If this is going to work out in the long run you have deal with some of the past but really focus on the future.


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## 1-2watch (May 9, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Key question: How long after the surgery was she not supposed to have sex per the surgeon????
> 
> I've had a hysterectomy.
> 
> ...




Livvie,
Thank you for replying and I hope all is well in regards to your body and mental state. Please let me know any questions you have regarding my situation. Prior to the surgery another IVF Dr said my wife had a 0.1% chance of having a child and it was very emotional and hurt us both. We felt it was some bs so we located another very respectful Dr who said we will be able to conceive and will need low dosage IVF. I’ve been ready to start the process as she has as well. But within our goal conversation I said do you think we would be having sex by March which by then would be 80-100 days. She looked at me like I disrespected her and I said I’m being honest when do you think you will be healthy to have sex. She said well hopefully by Feb. I said I don’t want to start IVF until we are actually having a decent amount of sex. She said i don’t have a lot of time and don’t want to waste it if you know if you want to be with me or not. I said I’ve been here through your entire situation and support you but I think anyone would feel how I feel and wouldn’t want to be in another situation like I am now. Wasn’t an argument but was some tension before sleeping last night. 


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## 1-2watch (May 9, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> There are a lot of things going one at once here...
> 
> I am prior service and have been through deployments so I know what it is like to go without sex for months at a time. Even if you have no experience in this kind of separation you know the frame of reference so think of her health and surgeries as a deployment... right now your mission is for her to heal, and heal well so accept the selfless nature of such and refocus on the things you can improve your love and kindness with her without sex.
> 
> ...



Emerging Buddhist,
Thank you for your response. This is a very interesting way to look at it and is very unique. Sure I can try and look at it this way. Remember I’m a realist and see this person everyday which when you have the most beautiful woman in the world and your life evolves around each other it can be difficult. But when do I look at the situation again and say ok I did my deployment and I’m home. This is not fair? 

My interests would be Spending time w my family, football, tv, starting new tv seasons tougher, reading books, recently in which we found a way to connect while home we played Detroit the video game and beat it together. We work so well together on most points. When doing our goal board I noticed that a lot of my life revolves around her and this year I would like to change that, and have more personal goals. Lastly I would say being outside just to walk in the park.


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## 1-2watch (May 9, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Well you have a lot going on here, and it sounds like it's been a tough road. The good news is you are getting to a place where things can get better. Both my sisters, and my sister in law had endometriosis so I know it can be really brutal. I'm sure her past emotional infidelity is a big factor in you being a little impatient in getting things back to a normal sexual relationship, the two of you have more work to do there. I guess I would
> 
> 
> 
> If this is going to work out in the long run you have deal with some of the past but really focus on the future.




Happy husband0005,
Thank you for your post hope all is better with you and your family. It looks like your comment wasn’t complete but yes I do think we have some work and within the past month I’ve lowered my expectations which has helped me to not have an attitude about not having sex for things I’ve done or whatnot. I can say that this has helped but then there’s just reality in marriage. 
Im honest and even when it hurts I think people should share there feelings with there partner. I’ve done this and just stuck emotionally. 


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

1-2watch said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Key question: How long after the surgery was she not supposed to have sex per the surgeon????
> ...


I also had/have endometriosis, so I know that that's like.

I do not think wanting a good, healthy, connected sex life with your wife is having an out of line expectation.

It sounds like that isn't one of her major goals, wants or needs from the discussion you relayed.

It sounds like you want a strong, healthy marriage before having a child and she just wants a child. Is that correct?

Did you say she had an emotional affair with someone?

Have you dealt with her infidelity?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

1-2watch said:


> Happy husband0005,
> Thank you for your post hope all is better with you and your family. It looks like your comment wasn’t complete but yes I do think we have some work and within the past month I’ve lowered my expectations which has helped me to not have an attitude about not having sex for things I’ve done or whatnot. I can say that this has helped but then there’s just reality in marriage.
> Im honest and even when it hurts I think people should share there feelings with there partner. I’ve done this and just stuck emotionally.
> 
> ...


I think my advice on how to handle the frustration with the lack of sexual activity is patience at this point. From the women I have known who have suffered through this is even after the surgery there is a mental adjustment that has to take place. It seems to take time for a woman to get use to feeling more normal, and to look forward to sex where they use to be very nervous and anxious about the pain. 

I would show affection without any expectations of where that affection will lead. Try reseting things a bit by approaching things like you're just starting dating and building a sexual relationship from the start. After she has a chance to get settled and use to feeling more normal physically hopefully she will be more receptive and affectionate on her own. If not marriage counseling or seeing a sex therapist might be needed to help you both work through this.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

1-2watch said:


> Emerging Buddhist,
> Thank you for your response. This is a very interesting way to look at it and is very unique. Sure I can try and look at it this way. Remember I’m a realist and see this person everyday which when you have the most beautiful woman in the world and your life evolves around each other it can be difficult. But when do I look at the situation again and say ok I did my deployment and I’m home. This is not fair?
> 
> My interests would be Spending time w my family, football, tv, starting new tv seasons tougher, reading books, recently in which we found a way to connect while home we played Detroit the video game and beat it together. We work so well together on most points. When doing our goal board I noticed that a lot of my life revolves around her and this year I would like to change that, and have more personal goals. Lastly I would say being outside just to walk in the park.


Mission and situation dictates. :wink2:

You are putting her health above all else... she is probably scared on top of the pain and doing her best to deal with physical marital expectations on top of it may cause her to feel more broken than it is because so many other things are clouding "reality". Our demands for things we want so badly often ruin it before they are ready, sometimes just taking it down a little and looking at it in the reality that the best gift you can give her right now is patience.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM hun.

Just a hint to get the most help...If you want to edit your first post and add paragraphs more people will read it. It’s very hard to read it when it is a big wall of text.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Has she offered to have non-PIV sex in any form?

Having been through W with endometriosis that was an option after 6 weeks, and we worked up to full sexual encounters. 

There was and is, being cognizant we both love to hug/touch anyway.

Best of luck.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'll be frank. I am a very sexual woman, and I couldn't go that long.

That said....

Yeah, I had endometriosis. In fact, when I had my hysterectomy it was all over, even all around my bladder, etc. I had pain and heavy periods.

BUT...

My mother and my friend both had it. They had incredible pain, extreme anemia from the bleeding, blackouts, and almost yearly D&C procedures. Endometriosis is on a spectrum. So the whole "I had it and I liked sex" routine doesn't fly.

However, if she cannot have intercourse, she at least needs to find other ways to meet YOUR needs. Is she willing to do that?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

When it comes to being able to provide love and affection to your partner, there is a work around for almost everything. PIV isn't the only road. The options are almost endless.

I get the feeling you prescribe to your wife that PIV is her only road to your satisfaction.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

1-2watch said:


> The Dr. said 4-6 weeks. Surgery was November 29th. I know she is in pain and do not discount that. If not sex there are other things that can be pleasing but she mentioned she is being selfish and new year new goals trying to get better. I’m human and in need of my wife.


That's why God gave you two hands and porn. You act as though it's her *responsibility* to get you off. This isn't about you wanting intimacy and missing it with her, it's all about you expecting her to *service* you because you're whining about how she can 'do other things' that will please you. So call a spade a spade and go log into PornHub.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's why God gave you two hands and porn.



Love this. This is classic literature straight away in my book! 




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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

Certainly a lot going on in your relationship, not a simple sex problem if you look at the whole picture. Sex or lack of it is a symptom of a greater problem. Having said that, as a man I also understand with a good sex life a man can overlook many other things they feel are missing or unsatisfactory in the marriage and life in general. Women on the other hand seem to need everything in the marriage to be good in order to have sex. I do believe from my own experience and reading of others that it gets to a point where it does almost become a vicious circle. 

Husband not happy with sex life so points out problems in the marriage, Wife sees problems in the marriage so does not want to have sex. Husband gets less sex, so harps on even more things. Woman hers more problems so wants to have even less sex. At some point both are not happy with the situation. 

Here is the real issue many of us get to. What now?? Does both or either person really want to make an effort to change this? Of course then there is the issue that the man sees sex as what needs fixed and the woman sees something else as what needs fixed? SO what does each actually commit to fixing?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

How was her infidelity handled? What consequences did she face, and are you SURE it wasn't physical?
I'm wondering if she had no consequences, and had little respect for you then, if she STILL doesn't respect you and that affects her wanting sex (above and beyond the endo -- that of course MUST be the primary concern here -- she certainly needs to heal from it). I'm just thinking that there is more to this than just a physical short-term issue.


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