# For men, what is a typical desire for frequency?



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am just curious what is the typical desire for a man (30's) like? 

When I say "desire", I am talking the threshold in which you become grouchy and the lack of sex takes over your every waking thought. 

I read on here that some men 30+ still have a strong desire to have sex every day or even multiple times a day. That seems like a lot to me! I would expect that from an 18 year old boy but thought that mens sex drives naturally decreased as they got older.

I know my husband could have sex every day if I wanted him to, but more as a take-it-or-leave-it thing. I would say that his honest threshold of desire is maybe once every 2-3 weeks. Seriously. I usually break the ice well before we get to that point but there have been times when life has gotten in the way, I've been sick, or whatever and I let time slip by and I notice he doesnt really seem to bring it up or say anything until 2-3 weeks have passed. He used to not be able to go that long when younger (we've been together 8 years) but life has changed a lot since those days too, we've got high stress jobs and lives, always on the go, two young kids, not a lot of sleep happening, not a lot of spontaneity available either.

So anyway, just curious. It baffles me that an older man could still have such a high drive.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I am in my early 30's, have a high drive, but also have an incredible amount of control over my sexuality. I've been able to be find contentment in extremes, from long time celibacy, to multiple times a day.

But I have no desire to be celibate again, nor any reason I would be. Sex is fine with me about 3-4 times a week, and some weeks if I'm especially horny, I'll release on my own an additional 8 or 9 times. It varies.

But I also don't consider a man in his 30's to be an "older man". Your tone, and the bewilderment in your post, would seem more fitting if you were shocked that posters in their late 50's and up were super horny.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

I need sex 3-4 times a week to be happy. 

For me, I dont need alot from my wife. Be my friend, be nice and have sex with me. In return, I will try and be all she needs.

If after like 4/5 days of no sex, I will shut her out. I simply can not play the role of a little puppy dog begging. I have stopped all advances towards her about a year ago, simply the rejection is too much for me anymore. Thus, resentment has built to a dangerous level.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Every single day, especially before bed.

I would love to be woke up to sex or oral, without having to orgasm. Just start off the day feeling my wife. Would that be twice a day or once and a half?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

98.5Mhz


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

After about 3 to 4 days I start to get a little "grumpy". After a week it gets somewhat bad. Oh and I am 42..


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

every 2 to 3 days..... 43 I am.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm nearly 40, and I still would love at least once a day or even more. 

Realistically I'm OK with 2-3x/week but prefer 3-5x/week. These days I let my LD wife more or less set the pace that she's comfortable with.

OP you may want to consider talking things over with a sex therapist given the disparity in your sex drives. Our ST has helped my wife be more open to sex more often... and she doesn't feel forced or compelled to do it anymore (which has been great for us both).

Like I said the changes have been large in just a couple of months. Just food for thought...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm 41. If she's being affectionate for a day or 2 after sex then I'm fine up to about 3 days. Then I start getting moody. If the sex is bad and she ignores me after then I'm in a bad mood within 24 hours, feeling denied. But we tend to go weeks without. If we did it on a regular basis I probably wouldn't crave it so much.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Aristotle said:


> Every single day, especially before bed.
> 
> I would love to be woke up to sex or oral, without having to orgasm. Just start off the day feeling my wife. Would that be twice a day or once and a half?


I think my husband would say this. 

And the 30s isn't old. I'm 36 and want it every day...and I'm a woman.

Be happy your husband thinks you're so awesome! Although, you say he only wants it every 2-3 weeks...and then complain he has too high a libido?


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm in my 30s and I want it anywhere from 3-5 times a week. My wife wants it about 4-5 times a week, so we average out at about 4, though sometimes more. On those occasions when someone starts to complain that it's been too long, usually it's her and only when I've had some work project or something keeping me out late.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> Every single day, especially before bed.
> 
> I would love to be woke up to sex or oral, without having to orgasm. Just start off the day feeling my wife. Would that be twice a day or once and a half?


You little horny devil you! :smthumbup:


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm 34 and I generally shoot for 3-5 times a week... plus maybe 1-2 times alone depending on convenience, moods etc. I'm especially a fan of morning and early afternoon sex.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I'm 34 and I generally shoot for 3-5 times a week... plus maybe 1-2 times alone depending on convenience, moods etc. I'm especially a fan of morning and early afternoon sex.


LOL yeah let's not get started on the topic of how many times per week I fly solo. I know my wife would be one tired woman if she tried to keep up.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

I like sex allot cause i love my wife also when i was younger i was not a player so when i was younger i did not get sex allot like some did. I sometimes feel like i didnt get enough sex when testosterone is the highest which is when you are younger.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I am older than 30. 17 years older than 30 in fact. I would love to have sex daily. Some times 2 and 3 time daily, STILL. But at minimum I'd like it daily. My wife could get by with once per week. We average around 5 to 6 times per week.


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## buzzedbee (May 17, 2012)

Maybe 2 or 3 times a day. Is that asking too much? lol.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Realistically, more than once a day wouldn't likely be sustainable, even though mentally I'd be all over that. My GF and I have done daily for a month, and that was fine by me. . But I'd probably be content with 3 to 5 times a week. 

In my marriage, once a week would have kept me happy, supplementing manually as desired (daily). In my current relationship, I haven't had to DIY in over a year. If we can't get together, we'd rather use that time to build sexual tension for that "explosive" reunion.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I would like to have sex 2-3 times a week.

After 4 days I start to get moody. After 10 days I get mad about it.

Sometimes I think that if my wife said yes, every time I approached her it would not be as exciting. Part of the excitement is wondering if she will be into it or she will reject me. Even though I hate getting rejected, it still adds to the excitement. 

I have never told my wife this though .... and please don't tattle on me.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I didn't mean to imply that I felt we had sex too often. I am happy with our frequency (once a week?) - really, I ak just at the border of not being grumpy about it. I could go for more under the right circumstances. I have always been a little peurturbed that hubby doesn't initiate or even hint that he thinks about it more. But, we have young kids and sex outside of the 11-12 night time hour just doesn't happen for us and we are both usually exhausted by then. So I shrugged it off as our life circumstances or his age catching up with him and never made a big deal about it. But then I came here and read about all these other men his age (and older) who are always still raring to go and it made me wonder if there is something wrong with us/him. 

We have this weird rut going on, pretty much ever since we had kids. When I am in the mood, I usually have to say something to him earlier that day or a few hours before the kids go to bed that basically amounts to "Hey, hit me up later." (Translation - don't fall asleep.)

Usually after that has been said, we will reunite later. He never usually turns me down when I say that, but he also never ever initiates completely on his own. If I don't come out and tell him I want to have sex later, it wont happen. 

It would turn me on if he took charge and showed me his desire more often, but I truly think he doesn't get to the point where he wants to. Maybe he has low T?? Maybe he takes for granted that he can just wait for me to initiate since I never really go too long between each time? Maybe I am just higher drive than he is?

I only reject him like once a year, seriously. He may initiate like 4-5 times in a year. The other 99% of the time is me I initiating or blatantly telling him I am ready.

My cycle is predictable. I am not on BC so my desire follows a predictable pattern. During my ovulation I feel like many of the men here describe their feelings, there is a 4-5 day window where I want it 3+ times a day and it consumes my thoughts. Honestly, I love that time of my month, but I could not imagine feeling that way all the time. I enjoy it because I know its temporary, I could not imagine the frustration I would feel to walk around like that constantly not to mention I find it hard to be productive or happy when its all I can think about. I would like to see my hubby shoe me that he feels that way sometimes but haven't seen it in a very long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My husband is 48...*emotionally* he wants it every day...he craves the connection, loves getting "worked up". 

*Lustfully*.... my guess is... he would fare well with 2-3 times a week & wouldn't be climbing any walls...but I would !

Back in his 30's he would have LOVED & been delighted with once a day....mornings were his horniest. Still is. But he didn't get near than much back then, so we are making up for lost time.

Men lose a little Testosterone each year as they grow older...kinda a cruel joke God plays on the sexes...... as the woman's drive grows stronger as we age - generally. Then us women suddenly realize how men were feeling when they were going out of their minds for sex in their early 20's... and we just "didn't get it!"

.... Now it is our time to climb the walls.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> .... *Now it is our time to climb the walls*.


Simply: STBXW richly knocked my walls completely down(the bad kind)! I consider myself fortunate these days just to be able to lay on the floor!


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Kag123, your husband sounds like he just might be bored with sex. It happens for a lot of married men and women, especially when kids come into the picture. Also he might have trouble seeing you as the sexual being he knew pre-children, and perhaps he himself might have fallen into the dad box so hard that the lover box is being ignored.

Have both of your kept your bodies in shape? If the physical appearance has begun to slip, that could be a huge factor. 

When you do have sex, is it the same old routine, or do you guys discuss your evolving sexual needs, fantasies, and do your best to execute them?

The first thought shouldn't be low T-levels. Baring a few rare diseases, T-levels shouldn't be remotely so low at his relatively young age that it would affect sex that seriously. Beside, you already say he's able, just not willing, which is more a mental/emotional issue than a physical one. 

If a man is bored with sex with a woman, he will often just not initiate. Especially if he's a man who never had that high of a drive to begin with. All men don't constantly crave sex.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jaquen said:


> ... he will often just not initiate. Especially if he's a man who never had that high of a drive to begin with. All men don't constantly crave sex.


My SD has generally always been pretty good. But when you have a spouse who is all but continually belittling you all of the time, more often in front of friends and family, it just greatly helps to destroy any remaining initiative to even request it from her. If I couldn't sense heartfelt love there, I just didn't want it for the sheer sake of doing it. 

That just seems so cheap and unloving!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What's the frequency Kenneth?


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

kag123, have you tried to sit down with HIM and discuss it? You may find out he has issues: not initiating for fear of rejection; timid; bored...the best thing to do is TALK...


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

I'm 34 and I have desire for _sex_ every day, but my threshold for _intimacy_ seems to be about 3 days... I notice usually if I'm hitting day 4 without any intimacy then I'm starting to get really antsy about it and start trending towards being upset.

But it's important to understand that intimacy is way more then just sex... it's about the bond and closeness I feel when experiencing my wife intimately. That bonding and closeness is something I need frequently. I think this is where a lot of women in committed relationships don't understand their men, because they think we just want sex all the time. But look, if I really need to get off I can just masturbate for that matter, so no it's not just about sex and getting off... it's about the total experience of intimacy. It's the experience of bonding and closeness when feeling your spouse desire you so intimately.

kag123, to answer your situation specifically, I really think the first step you need to do is have a loving, no-pressure conversation with your hubby about your need for frequency and your desire for him to initiate more and be more dominant. Also, your mention about needing sex about 3x a day during your ovulation time is a GOLD MINE revelation you both need to be aware of and target on a monthly basis. Make a pattern out of that time of month specifically... if your husband doesn't know this about you already then he will likely be excited at this revelation of opportunity to have sex with you so much. Make him get to know your whole menstrual cycle so he can take charge on his own when that time of the month comes around. You need to communicate these things to him, because he likely is so entrenched in your day to day routine that he just has no idea.

Also, if you guys are waiting too long in the day before you get an opportunity to have sex (too late at night) that can also be a testosterone killer. Your bodies are so worn out by the end of the day that trying to muster up some energy for sex is an uphill battle. You need to try and be more creative about making opportunities at different times of the day to get together with each other. Can you meet up for lunch breaks once in a while? Go to random and daring places for hookups and get the excitement juices flowing in your relationship again. Get naughty with each other! Don't wait for only the most convenient window of opportunities to engage otherwise your sex life will only stay on the back burner to the rest of your lives...


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## dignityinshambles (Apr 27, 2012)

I am in early forties - 15 years ago - every day, now every fourth or fifth day. Been twice in past 45 days and I am a friggin lunatic! Now taking care of myself every day and it does not help!


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I'm 46....I guess if I was married to a 'normal' person I would like sex (with her) maybe 2-3 times a week...with the occasional 2 x a day every now and then. I suppose I'd get grumpy if I didnt get any for a week.

But I'm nor normal either. I have been conditioned (by constant rejection etc) not to expect anything.


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## cub!chy (May 7, 2012)

I am 38 and I need it at least every other day, I have always been at this frequency. When I was younger it was at least daily, I say I initiate 75% and my wife 25%, but she never refuses. She sometimes complains, but goes along with it. I have learned a-lot from her and we always make it fun. For us scheduling sex doesn’t work, it’s a turn off. We have kids, 6 yrs., 4 year and 2 year, we have been exhausted for 7 years. That doesn’t matter; it never stopped us from intimacy. I get grumpy if I don’t get it for 3-4 days, after a week, its world war. We understand each other and there are no limits, she wakes me, in the middle of the night, goes down on me, no explanations needed. I will walk in from work, fully dressed and she will take me to the room, rips the clothes off and away we go, sometime she will push me to the floor and make me eat her out, no issues, I will deliver whatever she wants how and wherever she wants and she does the same for me. If we didn’t have sex, I don’t think we can make our family work, it’s so hard with our kids, and we can’t wait to put them to sleep for the fun to begin. Realistically, It’s the only diversion e have right now. 
I recommend you speak to him about his frequency, get to know him sexually, try it all with him, I mean all and get to know his dark side. Put some reggae on and dance for him, strip, lick your self (chest if you can reach), men LOVE that, masturbate in front of him, if he doesn’t jump on you, you have bigger issues than sex. Even if you don’t like this stuff, fake it and o it for him, sex for men is mostly mental, believe it or not! Everyone has it and once you get in there, sex will be so much better. You need a high degree of trust to speak about all the vile desires you both have, but good sex cannot be achieve without that trust. 
Specifically with your man, check to see if his masturbating a-lot or using porn, if he isn’t he may be cheating. I haven’t heard of a guy without a medical condition, with such a low frequency. Good luck and you need to improve your sex life; you’re missing out on a-lot!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

I think I could handle every day or every other day, but I've never been with someone with a stronger drive than me.

I'm content with 2-3x/week.

Like most people... less than 1x/week and I get pissy. Sex is my happiness reset button!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

I can do it everyday with my girlfriend but it would require me not to ejaculate and she's fine with that.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

michzz said:


> You consider a man in his 30s as an "older " man?
> 
> Holy Cow!!



Yes, that threw me for a loop too.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Hubby is 3 days, but that's not enough for me. :/. I'd like it more often. He does not get grumpy if there's ever a slow moment(mostly period time).


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

And you wonder why I had a thread that said people on TAM are sex obsessed. This thread is further proof......


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> And you wonder why I had a thread that said people on TAM are sex obsessed. This thread is further proof......


I'm not obsessed, I just gotta have it ALL... THE... TIME. 

I need my fix *goes into withdrawal shakes and rushes off to find wife* (j/k)


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I'd like to daily. 

When she's in one of her bad moods, I still *want* to, I just don't bother initiating with her and go with Palmela Handerson instead.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband is 38. He is fine with three times a week.


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

I am 50, H is 57, we sometimes miss a day or two during the week. But it's mostly every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

michzz said:


> You consider a man in his 30s as an "older " man?
> 
> Holy Cow!!


LOL!


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

once or twice a week. work makes me weary.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

SoWhat said:


> Palmela Handerson


:rofl: That is actually a new one on me... Haha


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> I'd like to daily.
> 
> When she's in one of her bad moods, I still *want* to, I just don't bother initiating with her and go with Palmela Handerson instead.


meh, more like pamela manderson


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

anonim said:


> meh, more like pamela manderson


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## Cookie99 (May 21, 2012)

removed by author


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## flnative (Jul 16, 2011)

Both 41 and married 19 years. We go about daily to every other day. Some days it's 2-3 times so it averages out.


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## Eagle441977 (May 7, 2012)

42 y/o and want it nearly every day. Love the days when there are multiples in one day. Typical week we have sex 2-3 times. Sometimes more, sometimes less. But I don't get grumpy until 4 or 5 days have passed. I try to not ever let that happen, but it does sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

I could do it as often as once a day or as infrequent as once a week.

My ideal is 3-4 times a week, its nice to have a day off now and then to rest, recover and let that desire build again. Also, i work 40+ hours a week and some days im just to tired or have stuff to do like pay bills by the end of the month etc. Btw, im in my 20s.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm in my 40s and after my decision to give up on sex my drive dropped considerably probably due to depression. I could go a week without thinking about it. But whenever it is re-awakened I feel like I could have it daily but really only "need it" every 2 times a week.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

kag123 said:


> I didn't mean to imply that I felt we had sex too often. I am happy with our frequency (once a week?) - really, I ak just at the border of not being grumpy about it. I could go for more under the right circumstances. I have always been a little peurturbed that hubby doesn't initiate or even hint that he thinks about it more. But, we have young kids and sex outside of the 11-12 night time hour just doesn't happen for us and we are both usually exhausted by then. So I shrugged it off as our life circumstances or his age catching up with him and never made a big deal about it. But then I came here and read about all these other men his age (and older) who are always still raring to go and it made me wonder if there is something wrong with us/him.
> 
> We have this weird rut going on, pretty much ever since we had kids. When I am in the mood, I usually have to say something to him earlier that day or a few hours before the kids go to bed that basically amounts to "Hey, hit me up later." (Translation - don't fall asleep.)
> 
> ...


Im no expert but here are my thoughts. he might be bored, i mean after many years of being forced into that 11-12 time slot can really kill excitement, you need some variety. It could be low T or maybe hiding some sort of ED issues from you but i feel like you would have noticed the latter. 

Were there any times where you did shoot him down on a regular basis? I know first hand that i got shot down for a long period of time and i just gave up, infact or sex life was never the same after that, i dont even bother initiating it anymore just because i dont want to deal with the emotional pain of being rejected, i figured if she wants it she will let me know because the last 500+ attempts by me ended in getting shot down.

Most importantly just talk with him, he needs to know your needs and he needs to know you arent going to judge him or get mad that youre there to support him and whatever the issue is youll work together to solve it.

Keep us posted on how thinsg go


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Ok I got some heat for calling a man in his 30s old LOL. It was a poor choice of words. What I was thinking when I wrote it is that I often hear a mans sexual peak is age 18-20. So it stands to reason that after that age, sex drive would decline. My question was meant to see 1.) If that was indeed true and 2.) If true, at what rate does it typically decline and 3.) Could this be what I am seeing in my husbands seeming lack of desire?

I apologize to anyone who was offended and am happy to see that 60s is still going strong.  

As for my own situation - I have never consistently turned my husband down, the only time when sex was "off the table" in our marriage was under medical circumstances....when I had PG complications and immediately following both births.

When I talk to him about his lack of enthusiasm he doesn't give any meaningful response. What I gather is that he knows that I will consistently initiate (usually 1-4 times a week) so he doesn't really feel he has to bother to do it himself or show me he wants it. 

He def doesn't have ED and I don't know about low T.

I have heard people talk about spontaneous vs responsive desire here. He will almost never turn me down if I go after him (responsive desire). It just so happens that one of my big turn ons is to see a spontaneous desire from him. I want him to want me first. I want to know he's been thinking about me all day and has built up this excitement. I don't see that from him. I used to - pre-children. I know we don't have a lot of opportunity for spontaneous sex but for me the desire builds all day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Being in my 50's, I think that I might be a little remiss if I were to try to assign a given number of times that I, as a man, might like or need it. That being said, the norm might range from every other day to 2-4 times a month, all the way to this year long celibacy richly brought on by the separation and impending divorce. But for me, it's largely been predicated on a number of factors such as how loving she is toward me or vice-versa, what frame of mind we're in. But please don't get me wrong; I absolutely love sex with a woman just as much, if not more, than the next guy.

But by that, I mean if things(work, social, marital, et. al.) haven't been going well for me, I really don't feel deserving of the act, and will usually refrain from it until I feel better about myself, even if the wife initiates. That's probably some very flawed logic on my part, but unless I can feel some element of love or completeness there, I would just rather not get involved.

I know, all too well, that I'm richly the exception rather than the rule!


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> I mean if things(work, social, marital, et. al.) haven't been going well for me, I really don't feel deserving of the act, and will usually refrain from it until I feel better about myself, even if the wife initiates. That's probably some very flawed logic on my part, but unless I can feel some element of love or completeness there, I would just rather not get involved.
> 
> I know, all too well, that I'm richly the exception rather than the rule!


You're not alone on that one. I'm pretty much the same way. If I'm down on myself the last thing I feel I deserve/want is sex.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Every other day is great. But if its a week-end off for both of us, its probably 3 a day...


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I will repeat you are all nuts!!!!!!! Please tell me those going multiple times and 'til raw and dry are all in you 20's......


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