# Not what I wanted after only 1.5 years..



## redemptionsong (May 8, 2014)

Now, I know some of you will sit here and read this and laugh, considering I have only been married to my husband for a year and a half. I know most people on here have been married for years upon years.. but, I really need help before things get out of control. 


My husband and I haven't always had the perfect relationship. We've had a lot of ups and downs. Money struggles, depression, controlling factors, possible cheating on his part, etc. My husband travels a lot for work, sometimes out of state. Sometimes for a month or longer. We tried to make things work, he would work 12 hours, come back to the hotel, and we would talk, FaceTime, watch Netflix together. Anyway we could possibly spend time together. In August, my husband had the opportunity to move to another state to make $3 more an hour with his company and move up the ladder and get more promotions. And he took it. And so we moved quite a distance from our families. About a 13 hour drive. I think I resent him for this, for the fact that I don't have friends or family down here. The people that I talk to are 2x my age. Since January, our marriage has gone down hill. It got to the point where he would be out of state and would get off work, he didn't want to be on the phone anymore because he was tired, which I understood. People thought maybe he was cheating but, I checked our phone records and everything looked normal. Lately, when he comes home.. all we do is fight. He tells me he wants a divorce. He hates me, he can't stand looking at me. He calls me a **** all the time to the point where last week I was so angry with him because he wouldn't stop that I punched him in the face. And this isn't me, violence is never the answer. He also has unblocked an old friend of his that was best friends with a girl he might have cheated on me with in 2011. In the last 2-3 weeks, his texting has doubled. She is the first person he texts in the morning, and he instantly answers her. She is in a relationship and also back home.. so about 900 miles away. And although he says they are just friends, I am insanely jealous.. I don't understand why he is giving her more attention than me. I have suggested counseling, he doesn't want to go. I was going to go this past Tuesday by myself but was rushed to the hospital because I stopped breathing and kept passing out. His family told me that he called them crying and was very upset because he was in Florida at the time this happened and I was here alone. I want to make our marriage work, but I feel like i'm in competition with this girl. He told me that he told her he would never let me get in the way of their friendship anymore. At times he tells me he can't text and I look and he's texting her. He also changed the password on his phone and told me he won't tell me it because he fears I will block her from texting him. I don't know what to do. I remade an appointment for a Psychologist in June. But, anytime him and I get into a fight he tells me he can't wait until July because that's when his family was supposed to come to help me move back home since he wanted the divorce. I can't stand the cursing and name calling anymore. I don't know what else I can do to make him understand.. I want to feel important too.. :scratchhead:


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Wow, so much badness going on here it's hard to know where to start. Initial thoughts:

Traveling a lot = Automatically makes a marriage multiple times more difficult. Traveling a lot for long stretches of time (weeks and months at a time) makes it that much worse.

If you agreed to the move, then you have to keep yourself from resenting him for it. If you accept it and then move, he had to take your word at face value, so it's not fair to punish him for it.

What kind of things were you fighting over all the time? Any idea why you were fighting over those things?

Remember that a lack of call/text records on a phone does not mean he's not calling/texting another woman. He could have a cheap burner phone (seriously cheap. $10 can buy a cheap phone, and another $10 can buy hundreds of minutes and text messages), or he could communicate via e-mail, any number of instant messenger apps, and all kinds of other ways that are difficult or impossible to track.

At the VERY least, he is having an emotional affair with this woman, and maybe others. He has made that crystal clear. Even without his declaring that he wants a divorce, he plainly stated that his relationship with her was more important than his relationship with you.

I'd say your best bet now is a 180. You won't be able to convince him to change his view at this point, so instead you should focus on you first and foremost. From that, it's entirely possible that he'll view you in a new light and reconsider everything, that's one very possible side benefit. He won't be attracted to you falling over backwards trying to change his mind or please him at this point. Instead you can improve yourself and he'll see the change, and realize that you're willing to let him go. That can certainly make a difference.


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

As much as it hurts to admit it, it seems like your husband does not love you. You will get tired eventually and you won't give a crap anymore and then you'll realize you lost all respect and love for him too. A person who loves his/her spouse tries to fight for reconciliation and fix things but a person who simply does not care, just gives up. He gave up on you ...sorry to sound so discouraging but I've been there, behind my STBXH all the time trying to figure out what the hell did I do wrong, how to fix it and how to make him interested in me and the whole marriage, until I gave up too....sorry to see you're going through this, I wish I had better encouraging words....


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## redemptionsong (May 8, 2014)

Thank you both for your replies. It means a lot to me that you guys took the time out to read my post. 

CDBAKER - It's not about the lack of phone calls/text records, I can see how often he is texting this girl on our ATT phone plan that we have together. I also know that he isn't communicating through e-mail. I have all his passwords to everything except his phone. And since he's constantly signed into google, I can see things that he looks up, if I wanted to. He does not call this girl, just texts her. I completely agree with what you said, "he plainly stated that his relationship with her was more important than his relationship with you." He doesn't see it this way. He came home last night and I asked him if he had some sort of crush on her, and he said no.. but it was weird. He did show me some of their conversation to which they weren't really talking about anything he asked her how her final went and she was going to go out drinking. She's much younger than him. I'm trying to do things to show him that I appreciate him.. and that I am still trying to fight for our marriage. 

GREENAPPLE - I understand what you are saying. I don't respect him as a man as it is anymore for the fact of him disrespecting me calling me a c*nt all the time. And i'm not in love with him anymore, but I still love him. And maybe one day, if we can fix our marriage, I will feel it again. Not saying it will, but there is some sort of hope in me. But, there is only so much I can do before giving up completely.. and if things don't change by July.. I will leave. 


I saw this quote and completely agreed with it. 
"If a man stops giving you attention, it's because another woman already has his"


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

I see your point and what you mean by "love him but not in love with him" I know because I was there 2 yrs ago. I felt HOPE, that everything will be better, that it will change, that he would care for me, etc. etc. and to be honest I do not regret giving him and what we had another chance, but it was different because he did wanted to try hard and he did but I could never recuperate my love for him, in fact, it became worse. I no longer have empathy for him and don't care about anything in his life but I feel good about trying one last time 2 yrs ago. Now in regards to your husband's texting etc. I do not see that ok at all! I mean you're his wife, you should be the one he would want to talk and express his feelings to even if its just a "good morning". When my husband used to do that long time ago and I still cared for him, it hurt me and made me so sad that he would have communication with his "friend" more than me! that's definitely a major red flag! I honestly think you should come to a breaking point for yourself and for your "hope" and come to terms as to what you want to do which could be move on separate ways or try to fix things for good.


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## redemptionsong (May 8, 2014)

These past couple of days have actually been good.. he hasn't talked to her at al since the 9th..he's been texting & calling me and telling me he loves me.. so maybe this is good.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Very early in the marriage and he's already exhibiting this type of behavior? I'm assuming no kids, correct? I would immediately file for divorce and mover on with your life. It's obvious he doesn't love you, at least not like a husband should love his wife. This is still the newlywed phase of your marriage, the guy should still be head over heels in love with you and be doing everything he can to spend time with you.

If your marriage is like this now, what will it be like years down the road? If you want to save the marriage, then you should sit him down and let him know what you need out of this marriage. If he's unwilling to do that then I think you have your answer.


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## redemptionsong (May 8, 2014)

You are correct, we do not have children. But, if I sit down and talk to him and tell him that I don't like that he talks to this girl so much he will see it as me trying to control him.. :/


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

redemptionsong said:


> You are correct, we do not have children. But, if I sit down and talk to him and tell him that I don't like that he talks to this girl so much he will see it as me trying to control him.. :/


So? If he says that what are you going to do, say yes sir, your right, and walk away? Who cares what he says? What about your feelings? 

You need to stand up for yourself and tell him how things are going to be. You're way too early into your marriage to be going through this.

Your his wife, him talking to another woman is not acceptable, period.


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