# It's Over? (warning: rambling post)



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

I am not that worried about whether or not anyone responds to this - I just need to get it off my chest and don't know where else to go right now.

I just got off the phone with my husband (I asked him to move out a few weeks ago due to his drinking and other problems). I have told him that I need time. He says he is a different person now - that he realizes all he was doing wrong and he will never do those things again. I told him I need time to feel reasonably certain that things will really be different. He just keeps going on about how he can't sleep and how much pain he is in and how much he loves me. 

I did a dumb thing. Actually, I still don't think it was all that dumb, part of it was, but - well... here it is... About a year ago a guy called me and said that his wife and my husband were having an affair. They work together (my husband and his wife). The guy said that somebody at their work called him and told him he should check out what was going on between then (my H and his W). He found them at Jack in the Box. My husband claims the guy punched him and so my husband pulled a knife on him (do I need this???) The guy had told me do check my cell husband's cell phone records. He was right - they had been talking a LOT! My husband admitted it, but insisted that there was nothing going on. We were already having problems at this point and I told him this was the last thing we need. He said he would not talk to her any more. My trust shaken, at this point, I continued to check the cell phone records and it appeared that he was not talking to her any more.

Well, a couple of months ago, things were really getting bad between me and my husband. I found out that he was talking to her again. Confiding in her about our problems (he claimed that she was helping him - his claim last year was that she was having trouble with her marriage and he was helping - he said that was why they talked so much). He refused to stop talking to her.

One day I sat down at the computer and my husband's e-mail was open. There was an e-mail from her. My husband is not real good when it comes to computers. I knew that if there had been more and he put it in his trash he would assume it was gone. So, now that I my trust in him is shaken again I checked his trash. Sure enough there were more e-mails there. Not many, just a few - but they included links to Facebook. Now, again - my husband is not good with computers. I helped him set up a Facebook page because his brother wanted him to look at some pictures he had on there. My husband never logged out of Facebook, so when I clicked the link it took me to his page. From what I can tell (I am not real good with Facebook, so I had a couple of other people look at it as well, to make sure I wasn't reading it wrong) my husband sent the first message that said "thinking of you always..." She then replied three times with things like "Never stopped, always on my mind..." and she sent a little clipart heart. 

Well, when I asked my husband about it he said he had no idea how to send a message like that. If he sent that, it would be a miracle. Now, I would almost tend to agree with him lol, but if he did not send it - how did it get in his sent folder???

So, he continued to talk to her. Things between us continued to get worse and I finally asked him to move out. He was still being a jerk and at the last appointment we had with a marriage counselor he was still insisting that he did not have a drinking problem and that there was nothing inappropriate about his relationship with this other woman.

When he came to move some of his things out, it finally hit him. He finally realized what he was losing. After a couple of weeks he claimed he was a changed person. He expected me to accept that and let him move back in. I have told him all along that I need time. I need for things to get better and stay better - even continue to get better over several months before I want to have him move back in and give it another shot. 

Well, so here comes the sort of stupid part. I check his cell phone records online, because I need to know if he has really stopped talking to this other woman. For a couple of weeks now he has not talked to her. Then, all of a sudden, this past week a new number showed up and he talked to this person a LOT. 83 mins, 44 mins, etc. Several times a day. Now, this woman - last year when her husband called me... she had a cell phone that her husband did not know about. That was the one she talked to my husband on. My husband claimed that she talked to a lot of people at work on that phone, that she did not have it just to talk to him. So... again, my trust is not real firm here when it comes to my husband and this woman. So, I am thinking... did she get a different phone? So, I had a friend call the number to see who answered. It was some woman that barely spoke english. So, now I am confused. I am thinking... how can I find out who this person is? Finally I said - this is stupid. I am going to just call my husband and ask him.

Well, this week he has been trying hard - or at least doing things that he thinks are trying hard. He wrote me a nice not and put it in a card. The next day he dropped off flowers with a card. They were sweet gestures, but really mean nothing compared to the scope of our problems. Needless to say, I had to give him points for trying. I called him this morning and thanked him for the flowers. But, all day this cell phone issue was still bothering me. So, around noon I just called him and asked him. Well, that did not go well. He figured out that I had had somebody call the number. He said that I should have just come out and asked him when I called about the flowers. He said that when I called back I had a completely different tone to my voice. That when I called about the flowers I sounded happy and he felt good for the first time in weeks. But, when I called back - you see... my husband is hard to talk to. I am terrified to approach him with anything personal because it never goes well. So, I tried to just have a nice, even, calm tone to my voice. I told him I had a question and all I wanted was an honest answer. I told him I didn't want to get into a big argument. So, I said, who have you been talking to so much? He immediately seemed to start getting bent out of shape. He said it was just somebody from his route (he drives a delivery truck). I said, not Karen? Now he starts to get really tweaked. He said no, that he told me he wasn't talking to her any more (which he has told me before, remember? and then he had started talking to her again). So, I said, so you don't want to tell me who it is then? He said it was just this chick who is going through a divorce and they had been talking with each other. He says, can't I talk to anybody? I said that I didn't say anything, he can talk to whoever he wants. Well, the conversation went down hill from there. He says I acted childish and he had been trying so hard and I need to just trust him and believe him.

Well, now he says we are done. That he can't keep going through this pain. He says he need to take the path that ends his pain as quickly as possible. That he can't give me the time that I need and that he can't stand being smacked in the face again when he is trying so hard. He keeps telling me to see things from his side. I asked him to also see things from my side. That, for years, I have been told things would be different - and they never are. That I need to be sure that I won't be smacked in the face.

He can't give me the time. I asked him if we could just not talk to each other until next week and for him to make sure that is what he really wants to do. I am so emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted right now, that I just don't hardly care any more. 

I know he was trying. And, maybe even it could have worked. But, after just a couple of weeks, I can't jump back in and say - oh yay, he says he is a changed person now! But now I am the one to blame. It was all because I was suspicious of his phone calls. Yes, maybe it was a bit childish, but based on his history - how else was I supposed to know if he was really keeping his word about talking to the same woman that had caused problems in the past? Should I have just come out and asked him in the first place? Probably. I wish I could have just not looked at those phone records. But, honestly, how would I know if he was keeping his word if I didn't?

So - yeah, like I said - I don't know if there is really anything anyone can say to me right now. I am not really asking for any input. But, I can't believe he would call an end to 23 years of marriage after just a few weeks of trying.

Sandy


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Sorry Sandy....difficult times after all of these years.

It makes no sense that he's giving up so quickly. Given his track record you have every reason not to trust him. He should be an open book for as long as it takes for you to trust him. 

The fact that he's ditching the relationship so quick after wanting it to work...is suspicious. Maybe during this down time...he's reconnected with the OW???

No matter what. Do what you can to protect yourself.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> He said that I should have just come out and asked him . . . I am terrified to approach him with anything personal because it never goes well. . . He keeps telling me to see things from his side. I asked him to also see things from my side.


Do you see what he is doing? He is making all this YOUR FAULT. This is classic for a substance abuser and cheater. He has no right to ask you to see it from his side; he cheated, he drank. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. He made choices, he must own up to them, but he sounds nowhere near ready to do that. 

I agree with Corpuswife that this sounds very, very suspicious, too, and I would encourage you to find out why you think you "love" or "need" someone like him. I'm so sorry this isn't what you think you want, but I would be a lot of $$ you'll be a lot happier without him. It might take some time, but you will find life much easier without his bullsh*t in your life. God bless you.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's wrong and I'd just let him go. He seems to always need someone on the side. And that won't stop. If he didn't stop when your situation was this dire, how would he ever stop when thinsg were better? 

Don't look back. He's just not a guy you should be married to.


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