# I need help connecting and emmotionally opening up with my wife



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

Me and my wife have been together for almost three years. She is great I love her fully. She has made drastic changes throughout our relationship, great changes. Our connection is dwendling I am not an emmotional person never have been it is very hard for me to open up. I think the things I do are good and it shows my love, but over and over I have heard I am not there emmotionall, or I wish you were more emmotional, why can't you understand. I do not know what else to do I love my wife and want this to work, but I fear she is done and has already made her mind. Please any advice would be great.


----------



## Confused and Exhausted (Sep 18, 2012)

As far as emotional connection, it's the little things that matter the most. Walk up behind her when she's cooking dinner and wrap your arms around her, look her in the eyes and tell her how beautiful you think she is, send her random text messages that tell her you are thinking about her and what she means to you. Don't just go through the motions, put your heart into it. Make it your goal for the day to put a smile on her face. Spend time everyday completely devoted to listening to whatever she wants to talk about, and I mean really listen, maintain eye contact with her and invest time into her. As a woman that is really what we want. We want to be a priority, we want to be loved, we want you to really listen, and we want you to show us how you feel about us.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's hard to open up to someone when they are threatening to abandon you.

It's not fair what she's doing to you.


----------



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

On the other hand, sometimes it takes the threat of abandonment to get a spouse to finally "hear" you, which is equally unfair.

Frosty, is she ever more specific in what she needs? When you discuss things, does she tend to get more and more emotional while you try your hardest to keep cool and under wraps? How does this dynamic play out?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You're going to have to learn to fake it with sincerity.

I'm serious. If this isn't your natural state (trust me, I get it), then you're going to have to go out of your comfort zone and learn how to be more connected with your wife emotionally, just as you'd expect her to make a best effort on a deal-breaker need of yours.

Pick up one of a hundred self-help books out there that talk about her needs and try it out. Concentrate on the relationship building stuff, since she's already told you what's missing. Who knows? After some practice, you'll either find you like it yourself, or you'll just get better at faking it.

Sometimes we have find it within ourselves to do what is necessary for our spouse.


----------



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

Thank ou for the advice. A lot has happened the last couple of days since I posted. The same night I posted when my wife came home she was very upset. I tried to talk although the conversation was one sided which she agreed when I asked that is normally how it is when she talks to me. Even while talking she seemed distant. When she went to work that day she called me on break and told me she threw her wedding ring out of the car. Which was serious to me. During our talk that night she said she was unable to find the ring when she went back to look. Then later she stated she knew where the ring was and it was in a safe place. During our one sided conversation she mentioned that she had/has done something wrong, but when asking she said she did not want to tell me right then. We talked a little more about how she feels, under appreciated, feels bad about herself, and how her fix it was broken. Then the bomb hit and she told me not to leave the room and try to stay calm. SHe explained that she had been having an affair. It took sometime to kick in I got u did not say anything went to the bathroom and grabbed somethings to leave. SHe followed me and explained that it had happened twice 3 days ago and the previous day; that he gave her what she needed and met her emmotional and physical needs when she needed it. She explained he was married. I asked her if that is why she always took the car and I was told no that she did not even have to go anywhere. I asked if it happened at work she said no, but in our home. She said it did not happen in our bed but on our couch. I could not find anywhere to go and decided to sleep in the car. She asked me to stay inside and was concerened. She had posted online that she was divorced and the best part was he did not know anything about it. She has mentioned a couple of times before online about wanting to be single, have her own life, etc. I left and came back about 2 hours later. She was still awake and we talked some more and she said she wanted to wait, that she wanted this to happen after the holidays. We talked some more and agreed I would stay and help the best I could sleeping in her sons room til I had the money to get something on my own vs going to a shelter. She explained that she had sent divorce papers to my email I checked and they where still blank. SHe then started talking about how she did not want me to leave, that her ring was in the safe at work and she would get it when she went in that morning.She explained she was not having an affair, but wanted to make me realize the severity of what was happening with the lack of connection and where she was. I did not sleep that night I made sure she got a couple of hours of sleep and got her up for work. I laid down when she left I was woken up and she was in the bed naked and we had sex. I stayed up with her after that bc she had to go back to work. She was very appologetic and said that she went the wrong way about trying to get her message accross to me. She was in tears appologizing about the discussion of an affair. SHe went to work and came home she did not have her ring. SHe then explained that she had made a hasty decision and was very upset the previous day and had pawned her ring, and that she had planned on picking it up before she had come home from work. I had to leave the room all the lies and then the ring caught up with me. I came back into the living room and she was not in the house. I went outside and she was sitting inside the car in the passenger seat on her cell phone. She never leaves the house to make a call. When she was done she came inside I asked her about it she said it was her boss that he had called to make sure she was alright and to offer her some advice. WHen I asked her about the number she explained it came in private name and number. With everything that has happened the last couple of days I do not know what to think or do. What happened has happened before she made the same kind of comment before about six months after we got together and it turned out the same way. She keeps appologizing, we have been talking a lot, and she is smiling and being very open. Last night when we watched a movie we where inseperable. I just can not keep my mind off of what has happened. Please any advice would be great. Thank you


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

it might be best for the two of you to get some marriage counseling immediately to sort things out. 
and her interaction with the other man should cease while you two work things out


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OUCH!

This is not a one time druken mistake.

She had sex with another man TWICE in your HOUSE! Did she say if he wore a condom or not? Hopefully you did when you had sex with her or you may have exposed yourself to STDs.

BTW, I am willing to bet the call she made in the car was to the other man (OM) and NOT her boss.

What do YOU want to do? Your wife has lied to you, violated her marriage vows and possibly exposed you to STDs and a possible death sentence. She has completely destroyed your trust in her. Do you want to try and save this knowing all of this?

You should also get a look at her phone as well as the cell phone bill. I am willing to bet she's still in contact with the OM


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So sorry you're going through this Frosty. In my opinion, your wife sounds manipulative and cruel. I can empathize that she wants some passion and enthusiasm in her life, but I cannot find anything good at all about her approach to getting it.

If I was in your shoes, I would insist on 100% transparency: No lies, no secret phone calls, a keylogger on all computers, and open cell phone records. I'd also be putting a voice activated recorder into the car and the house. If she balked, I'd leave. There's no way to repair a marriage when one partner's loyalty is going to a third person.


----------



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

I do not know if my last post was clear. My wife after all was said and done explained that she was not seeing anyone else. That there never was an affair. She said she was trying to relay the seriousness of where we were at. She addmited she was wrong for saying that and has been very appologetic since then. I got the number this morning from her phone before she got up and did a reverse number search on it. The number was indeed her bosses number. After the night she told me things have been a little weird it is hard to know what is real. She keeps assuring me that it was a vicsious lie and keeps telling me how sorry she is and that we will work things out and how happy she is that I have been open and communicative with her. I just do not know were to go now.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So now she wants her words to smooth things over after using lies to hurt you. Nice girl ya got there. She is unhappy, so instead of leaving, she goes the extra step and sleeps around, and because that's still not enough, she's going to compound the wound with lies and justify her behavior. 

I don't know why you'd want to stay with someone like this, but no matter what you do, you're going to have back-and-forth emotions. One minute you'll hate her and want to be split for good, and a few minutes later you can't imagine life without her. 

While you decide that, I'd encourage you to do the things I mentioned above and let her know that you simply will not tolerate less. If she's serious about being sorry and wanting to work things out, she'll do them. (Don't tell her about the VAR, of course.)


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

WTF, that was emotional terrorism she used. She's desperate. 

What do you do? You go to counseling forthwith! Both IC and MC. Make an appointment today.

And put a VAR in her car too! Verify what she said! 

Gezze, she wants you to connect? It's a lot easier that that.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Frosty875 said* Then the bomb hit and she told me not to leave the room and try to stay calm. *SHe explained that she had been having an affair.*...
> She said it did not happen in our bed but on our couch. I could not find anywhere to go and decided to sleep in the car.





> She explained that she had sent divorce papers to my email I checked and they where still blank. SHe then started talking about how she did not want me to leave, that her ring was in the safe at work and she would get it when she went in that morning.*She explained she was not having an affair*, but wanted to make me realize the severity of what was happening with the lack of connection and where she was.



She said she threw her ring out of the car, couldn't find it....then it is at work, then she didn't have it ,she pawned it..... My goodness, what is the truth here?? 

No wonder you are reeling...

Your wife is all over the place with the RING, the affair, what is the truth here ???

At this point, I don't know if you could TRUST anything that comes out of her mouth -with all that. Could you go to Marriage counseling to sort this all out ??? 

Has she always been like this... has something changed, what was your dating years like ? Any mental problems ? Stress at work going on ??


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't trust that hooey story about her boss either. He could likely be her paramour.


----------



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

Yes it has always been a little like this. Our dating years were stressful and we went through a wide variety of large problems. We have always been able to get through the big things almost without a hitch. The small things have always been the things that take time, or have been the hardest. She is manic depressive, I have PTSD and depression as well. We can both become overly emmotional at the drop of a dime. She is about to move into a manager position at her job know one knows but the other managers. She has only been there two months. She got a raise the largest in the store after being employed for a month. After that she was upset bc rumors going around that the only reason she got the raise was BC she was blowing the owner. She works a lot not to long ago she worked 2 wks straight before she got a day of. I hear all the time about a co-worker hitting on her. Sometimes when she calls on break she is stressed. She is at work now and when she called on break they asked if she would work til nine even though she was supposed to be off at 4. The extra shifts and work I am not worried about she always brings her clock out slips home and the times have always matched what she says she is working. I hope this answers your uestions SimplyAmorous


----------



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

The ring was in the pawn I was with her yesterday when she picked up.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

frosty785 said:


> Thank ou for the advice. A lot has happened the last couple of days since I posted. The same night I posted when my wife came home she was very upset. I tried to talk although the conversation was one sided which she agreed when I asked that is normally how it is when she talks to me. Even while talking she seemed distant. When she went to work that day she called me on break and told me she threw her wedding ring out of the car. Which was serious to me. During our talk that night she said she was unable to find the ring when she went back to look. Then later she stated she knew where the ring was and it was in a safe place. During our one sided conversation she mentioned that she had/has done something wrong, but when asking she said she did not want to tell me right then. We talked a little more about how she feels, under appreciated, feels bad about herself, and how her fix it was broken. Then the bomb hit and she told me not to leave the room and try to stay calm. SHe explained that she had been having an affair. It took sometime to kick in I got u did not say anything went to the bathroom and grabbed somethings to leave. SHe followed me and explained that it had happened twice 3 days ago and the previous day; that he gave her what she needed and met her emmotional and physical needs when she needed it. She explained he was married. I asked her if that is why she always took the car and I was told no that she did not even have to go anywhere. I asked if it happened at work she said no, but in our home. She said it did not happen in our bed but on our couch. I could not find anywhere to go and decided to sleep in the car. She asked me to stay inside and was concerened. She had posted online that she was divorced and the best part was he did not know anything about it. She has mentioned a couple of times before online about wanting to be single, have her own life, etc. I left and came back about 2 hours later. She was still awake and we talked some more and she said she wanted to wait, that she wanted this to happen after the holidays. We talked some more and agreed I would stay and help the best I could sleeping in her sons room til I had the money to get something on my own vs going to a shelter. She explained that she had sent divorce papers to my email I checked and they where still blank. SHe then started talking about how she did not want me to leave, that her ring was in the safe at work and she would get it when she went in that morning.She explained she was not having an affair, but wanted to make me realize the severity of what was happening with the lack of connection and where she was. I did not sleep that night I made sure she got a couple of hours of sleep and got her up for work. I laid down when she left I was woken up and she was in the bed naked and we had sex. I stayed up with her after that bc she had to go back to work. She was very appologetic and said that she went the wrong way about trying to get her message accross to me. She was in tears appologizing about the discussion of an affair. SHe went to work and came home she did not have her ring. SHe then explained that she had made a hasty decision and was very upset the previous day and had pawned her ring, and that she had planned on picking it up before she had come home from work. I had to leave the room all the lies and then the ring caught up with me. I came back into the living room and she was not in the house. I went outside and she was sitting inside the car in the passenger seat on her cell phone. She never leaves the house to make a call. When she was done she came inside I asked her about it she said it was her boss that he had called to make sure she was alright and to offer her some advice. WHen I asked her about the number she explained it came in private name and number. With everything that has happened the last couple of days I do not know what to think or do. What happened has happened before she made the same kind of comment before about six months after we got together and it turned out the same way. She keeps appologizing, we have been talking a lot, and she is smiling and being very open. Last night when we watched a movie we where inseperable. I just can not keep my mind off of what has happened. Please any advice would be great. Thank you


This is crap.

She had the affair, pawned the ring for money, got the divorce papers and now realizes it was wrong and is trying to backtrack. You should insist on complete transparency with her phone and computer. If she can't do this, tell her that you believe she had an affair and needs to find someplace else to live until this is resolved.

Insist on either marriage counseling if you want to try to save the marriage or individual counseling for both of you since it sounds like you have some issues to address, too.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, get this for the Holiday. It's not rocket science. Connect! 

Home | The 5 Love Languages®

And

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage

Check her computer's history too. (emails, FB, ect)


----------



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

On FB the night everything happened she changed her status to divorced and messaged her friend and told her she was getting a divorce and I had moved out. Then the same night before she got the couple of hours of sleep and we went through her telling me everything was a lie she changed her status back to being married.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She snapped. That's caused by stress. The job or affair? You chose. 

Continue to investigate till you find out.

Get her help. Go speak to someone. (counselor or clergy)


----------



## frosty785 (Dec 19, 2012)

Things are still a little wierd we sat down last night and had a serious discussion. She still insists that she was lying. I know work is getting to her she was scheduled off today but was asked to cover a shift this morning. She does not like letting people down and she is afraid if she refuses extra shifts then she is. I know her job is stressing her she says all the time it is like she lives there. My mood has been going back and forth like a comment I got yesterday of one minute I will want tobe done and the next I cannot picture my life without her. We are still talking and she is being open and responsive and the same with me. SHe got uneasy today bc I want to feel good about myself as well, I want to feel noticed and want to make good impressions so I dressed nice long sleeve button up dress shirt, nice pants, clean shaven ect. She did not really like this it made her extremely uneasy and I explained for the same reasons I listed also bc I am out applying for a better job so I want to have the professional look when I go into a business. Just an update thanks again.


----------

