# It's long but appreciate feedback



## Heywhats (Aug 30, 2015)

My story is long and complicated but I'll try to be concise.* Husband cheated for a year with women he reported he was in love with for a long time. I found out after a year and he told me he'd break it off BUT he continued to have contact with her for another year. I caught him several times and each time he pleaded that it was the last time. Now another year has passed and I haven't caught him and he reports no contact for a year. 
Here's the caveat...
My husband does not allow me access to any of his electronics. No email accounts, cell phone accounts, Facebook or texts. His phone, I pad and laptop are all password or fingerprint protected. We have gone round and round with each other and our therapist* (2 years of counseling) but he will not relent on this issue. He feels he should not have to " be controlled".
At one point, when he was seeing her behind my back he allowed me to access all accounts*but he just opened new accounts, new phones, and hidden apps. It was overwhelming and a no win for me.
*My choice is to leave or live with this lack of transparency and try to trust him.
I've decided to try to heal in spite of this and as you can imagine it's almost impossible.* I don't know if I should just give up. Two beautiful children in this family.* Anyone else trying to heal in this situation? We are at 2 years since d day.


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## Heywhats (Aug 30, 2015)

Omg....so sad....I posted this and looked at the date only to realize today is our wedding anniversary. It's very sad.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Heywhats said:


> My story is long and complicated but I'll try to be concise.* Husband cheated for a year with women he reported he was in love with for a long time. I found out after a year and he told me he'd break it off BUT he continued to have contact with her for another year. I caught him several times and each time he pleaded that it was the last time. Now another year has passed and I haven't caught him and he reports no contact for a year.
> Here's the caveat...
> My husband does not allow me access to any of his electronics. No email accounts, cell phone accounts, Facebook or texts. His phone, I pad and laptop are all password or fingerprint protected. We have gone round and round with each other and our therapist* (2 years of counseling) but he will not relent on this issue. He feels he should not have to " be controlled".
> At one point, when he was seeing her behind my back he allowed me to access all accounts*but he just opened new accounts, new phones, and hidden apps. It was overwhelming and a no win for me.
> ...


He doesn't want to be controlled? Please. Stop letting him sell that bullsh*t. If he'd been able to control HIMSELF then none of this would be an issue for either of you.

It's not "controlling" to insist on transparency, especially since he's broken your trust in the past, and the bottom line is this -- if he's not going out of his way and bending over backwards to offer transparency then he's doing absolutely nothing to rebuild trust.

Divorce.



Heywhats said:


> Omg....so sad....I posted this and looked at the date only to realize today is our wedding anniversary. It's very sad.


Sorry.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From were I'm sitting you are 2yrs in a false R.......


I could have never healed with this kind of crap. My old lady would have been down the road if I wasn't able to slap a GPS on her forehead.
Sure it sucks to have to tell every one that asks why she has a GPS on her forehead and tell them cuz she is a cheater.....but with out consequences bad behavior continues..

You get my point?

How the phuck can you heal with out anyway to validate your old man is trustworthy?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I busted my old lady on the day of our 19 anny and went to dinner with the family all phucked up in the head....that was 5yr ago.

Pull your head out of the sand....and go get check for STD's

How can you trust with out verifying his commitment to you?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Seriously?? That's a huge slap in the face after an AFFAIR. You're right, you have two options.....


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Time and time again we see spouses trying to reconcile when only one is trying. R is an extremely difficult process and is rarely successful when BOTH spouses are trying. When only one is dedicated to making it work there are only two possibilities, failure or acquiescence(rugsweeping), which leads to continued cheating and then more acquiescence which leads to more of the same.

The hard truth is that until your H is completely sold out to making this marriage work then you will have to bend to his demands and accept what he doles out. If you are okay with this then there is no problem but if you require honesty, remorse and, dare I say, love from your H then you are on the wrong path to accomplish that. Actually he may never give you those things but by accepting no less from a man, you can rid yourself of him and move on and find a man that will. Sadly these are pretty much your options now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Heywhats said:


> My story is long and complicated but I'll try to be concise.* Husband cheated for a year with women he reported he was in love with for a long time. I found out after a year and he told me he'd break it off BUT he continued to have contact with her for another year. I caught him several times and each time he pleaded that it was the last time. Now another year has passed and I haven't caught him and he reports no contact for a year.
> Here's the caveat...
> My husband does not allow me access to any of his electronics. No email accounts, cell phone accounts, Facebook or texts. His phone, I pad and laptop are all password or fingerprint protected. We have gone round and round with each other and our therapist* (2 years of counseling) but he will not relent on this issue. He feels he should not have to " be controlled".
> At one point, when he was seeing her behind my back he allowed me to access all accounts*but he just opened new accounts, new phones, and hidden apps. It was overwhelming and a no win for me.
> ...


Your husband doesn't want to be controlled?

Your husband seems incapable of controlling himself.

Until he can do so, then things will be problematic.

STD tests might be necessary to protect your health.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

He is hiding stuff from you. Because he has stuff to hide. 

Accept it or divorce. Hit him with a 2X4. You allow this to continue and you only have yourself to blame. Please do what you know you have to and save your heartache for someone who is worthy of it.

You know what he's up to. 

I'm so sorry this is your wedding anniversary. What sh1t timing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're wasting your time/ life. 

Get a real good attourney and dump him.

It won't get any better.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Seems an easy solution. He doesn't want to be "controlled" and you don't want to be married to a liar and cheater who has repeatedly demonstrated he isn't trustworthy.

Get a divorce. Problem solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Heywhats,

I'm sorry you are here, I'm sorry your husband is not remorseful for his actions. His first action is to stop the affair, his second is to make you feel safe. I would say he has done neither of these. So sorry to say this but I would file for divorce as opposed to this eating you alive for the next several years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

During my wife's A's she would lie and I mean lie about everything. I got angry at her lies. She said I was angry all the time. I said my anger would end the day she stopped lying. It was a nasty vicious circle. 

I would recommend you stop the circle. He is shoving it right in your face. When you said he won't relent and he feels he should not have to be controlled, it brought back horrible memories of my wife. I heard all of this from my wife. That became her complaint to her so called friends. My wife convinced her "friends" from high school, most of them she had no contact with in over 30 years, that I was a control freak. Some of them got in contact with me and sent me nasty emails. When the truth came out, she lost these friends. None of them have been in contact once the truth came out, that I was not a control freak and she was cheating and lying. She lied to these friends.

How can you heal if you continue to live with a guy who won't relent? Who has shown no remorse?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is in the driver's seat in all of this because you allow him to be. But it is your life you are living, not his. He has no right to drive your life into a ditch.

Ask yourself what you want your life to look like in 5 years. If you want more of the same, then don't change anything. If you want some happiness, then take control now.

You are allowing him to be OK with hurting you daily. You are allowing him to break your heart, over and over. You are allowing him to insist that you are going to live in uncertainty and pain. He doesn't care about your pain. You need to care about it.

You are in false reconciliation. You will do yourself a favor if you strike a blow for your own happiness, pride, and peace of mind. He doesn't respect you. Respect yourself. If I were you, I would see an attorney and get the ball rolling on divorce. You have zero to lose and your happiness to gain.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Heywhats said:


> My story is long and complicated but I'll try to be concise.* Husband cheated for a year with women he reported he was in love with for a long time. I found out after a year and he told me he'd break it off BUT he continued to have contact with her for another year. I caught him several times and each time he pleaded that it was the last time. Now another year has passed and I haven't caught him and he reports no contact for a year.
> Here's the caveat...
> My husband does not allow me access to any of his electronics. No email accounts, cell phone accounts, Facebook or texts. His phone, I pad and laptop are all password or fingerprint protected. We have gone round and round with each other and our therapist* (2 years of counseling) but he will not relent on this issue. He feels he should not have to " be controlled".
> At one point, when he was seeing her behind my back he allowed me to access all accounts*but he just opened new accounts, new phones, and hidden apps. It was overwhelming and a no win for me.
> ...



So sorry Heywhats but your husband is going to do what pleases him and does not give a d**** about you, your feelings. He sounds as if he has a grand sense of entitlement. men like this do not change. You really have to consider whether you want to stay for the kids, but make a plan to leave once they are big enough, leave now and start afresh or stick with it. If you follow the latter, the distrust, the emotional pain, will eventually destroy you. I dont think this is right for you or your children in the long term.
i would suggest you forget about MC with him, get yourself IC, widen your network, get yourself financially independent, then file for divorce.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

All the other posters are spot on.

Divorce this scummy traitor.

You deserve far better than this....and he certainly doesn't deserve you, or his family for that matter with the way he behaves.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

If he does not open things up to you it is because he is guilty.

Either decide you are OK with enabling him and accept your life. Or control what you can by leaving his sorry ass.


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