# He left... For another married woman



## lonewarrior (Jan 6, 2016)

Without going too far into this story, my husband whom I've been with for the last ten years has very recently left me to be with the woman he has had an affair with. The OW is someone that worked at his job, during my pregnancy (planned - 2nd child) my H seemed to take a step back, and seemed a little worried about the situation/finances/etc. He apparently had been friends with this OW since he started his job, they would spend time together each day at work, talking, getting to know each other. He didn't have any other friends really. This OW is married, and she has been with her husband for the same length of time. I never once, ever heard about this "friend" of his, he never even mentioned her name. One day, I stumbled upon a message he had sent to a different coworker mentioning this woman, professionally. Something inside of me went up, I immediately asked him if he knew of this lady, he said no. Lied. So, of course, I get concerned as to why he would lie about working with a female if there was nothing to hide? Fast forward, he admits that he knew of her (she had recently quit) and that they were only friends, he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to overreact. I accept this information, after I phoned this lady. The stories matched up. It was the next day that I found out more to the story. OW reached out to H to inform him of our conversation, what she had told me etc. Something still wasn't sitting right with me. I demanded my H reply to her message if there was nothing to hide. He was reluctant, but replied. They started small/friend talking and all seemed to make sense... until OW mentioned a letter. Apparently, this married woman had written a letter to my H confessing her feelings for him and asking that he not contact her so that she could stay "happily" married (why even give the letter in the first place, right?) so he admits this to me and explains that they were really just friends and nothing more, she just had feelings and he didn't know until she left. Now I am left to ask H if he has feelings as well. He admits that he does, but that it doesn't matter, he will never talk to her again, he loves me and our family (btw - baby is only 2 months old at this time) he assures me that he would never want to lose what we have. He says he just wants to tell her how he feels for closure then move on. I allow this. I helped him while he was "grieving" the lose of his friend. We were working on our marriage, everything seemed to be going well. Until... this OW kept messaging him. I told him to block her, he said he would just ignore her and she would get the idea. Fine. Turns out, he couldn't not talk to her, he started talking to her via email at work, met for lunch a few times and AND... decided to get a hotel room to have SEX with her to see if their feelings would go away!! That week, the day before he had sex with her, the day of and the day after, I had nothing but a sick gut feeling that I just couldn't shake. I asked him questions and he answered. I learned the truth. It made me sick, but at the same time, I didn't want to give up. I accepted this information as he claimed he was confused and doesn't know what he wants or how he feels, he thinks he loves this OW but he doesn't know what to do... bull**** bull**** bull****. We spent the next two days thinking and talking and he made his choice. It wasn't me. The next day, I took our children and left for close to a month. At this time, he was here doing whatever and being with her. Oh. she also told her husband what had happened and kicked him out. So now these two people H and OW are off living some fantasy. I feel its necessary to explain a little more about H. We have been together since high school, have only been with each other. We have always always been very happy, he has always been loving and we had such a beautiful relationship. Everyone around us would comment on how they wished they could find what we had. I never in a million years thought this would be us. The day that I left to go out of state, he and I said goodbye, it was very confusing and so very sad. He and I kissed and hugged and cried. Told each other that we would always love each other, miss each other, etc. Then I started the NC. We went this month hardly speaking about anything other than finances and the children. There was a conversation that I had with him at one point, where he seemed to have "woken up" and realized that he made a huge mistake, he was so sad and said he needed to think about things again. I swore that gave me hope that we could reconcile. Then the next day, like the flip of a switch, he was back to justifying his decisions. I am now back "home" I told him that he could not stay here as long as he was seeing her. He now has his own place... near her. Basically, I write all of this to say that I truly think that H is going through a midlife crisis, although we are still young. This is not the person that I had known the last 10 years. He seems to be in a very bad place. I am not okay with him doing whatever he wants, I am not okay with the separation and I am not okay with divorce. I have made this clear to him. We still have to see each other for the children's sake and I act very indifferent towards him. I am truly planning to fight for my marriage, even though I realize I am fighting alone. I just do not believe any of the lies he is telling himself and me. I feel as if he is going down this destructive path and will at some point realize he's ****ed up. Hopefully by then, it won't be too late. Because although, I am planning to fight, I certainly am not a doormat and will not stand here forever by any means. We can save the bashing, because I'm really not oblivious to anything. I know he's a piece of **** as of lately, but I also feel like I know who he is beneath that. Anyone have any stories similar to this? what was your outcome? Please note, that I am also not standing here feeling sorry for myself. This tragic event has been an opportunity for me to work on myself and really see the mistakes I've made throughout our marriage - hindsight is 20/20. I will come out a better person, with or without him. I'd just prefer with.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Horrible situation for you.

Get tested for STDs.

And set a lawyer on him and get the lawyer to protect the finances and living accommodation of you and your children.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Have you considered that by begging, or fighting as you call it, you make yourself a backup plan that's not very attractive? 

You're allowing him to fvck ow while he decides if he can have something with her and he knows you're waiting. 

If he's not all in have him served and make it clear you'll be moving on. 

Once he knows he's going to lose you he might rethink things.

Doormats are unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Fighting for your husband in a situation like this is simply the wrong approach.

He should not be allowed the luxury of having you as a plan B backup. The only thing that will do is make him respect you less and thus be even less attracted to you in comparison to the OW.

If you want the best chance to save your marriage, you have to be willing to end it. He has to feel the consequence of losing his wife for cheating; and he needs to feel it now. 

Your trajectory should be toward divorce. If he's going to turn around at all it will be because of that wake-up slap in the face.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

Your husband is bad man. He cheated on you when you needed him the most,during your pregnancy and now when baby is growing up he left both of you. This makes me really sad.

What you need to do is stop calling him and asking him about you two. You only talk if he is interested about your baby,nothing more.

Also you need to talk with lawyer as soon as possible. Do it for yourself and your baby,see your rights about custody. 

Expose his Affair to family and friends. Let them know that he is truly bad man.

He can have this OW. They deserve each other.

You spend your time with your baby. Dont fall into depresion,because he is not worth it.


Stay strong my Lady.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I can't read a block of text that big without a headache. Will you please edit your post and insert paragraph breaks! Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's the OP in paragraphs so it can be more easily read.



lonewarrior said:


> Without going too far into this story, my husband whom I've been with for the last ten years has very recently left me to be with the woman he has had an affair with. The OW is someone that worked at his job, during my pregnancy (planned - 2nd child) my H seemed to take a step back, and seemed a little worried about the situation/finances/etc. He apparently had been friends with this OW since he started his job, they would spend time together each day at work, talking, getting to know each other. He didn't have any other friends really.
> 
> This OW is married, and she has been with her husband for the same length of time. I never once, ever heard about this "friend" of his, he never even mentioned her name. One day, I stumbled upon a message he had sent to a different coworker mentioning this woman, professionally. Something inside of me went up, I immediately asked him if he knew of this lady, he said no. Lied. So, of course, I get concerned as to why he would lie about working with a female if there was nothing to hide? Fast forward, he admits that he knew of her (she had recently quit) and that they were only friends, he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to overreact. I accept this information, after I phoned this lady.
> 
> ...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Your last sentence was that you've done a lot of self reflection. 

I don't think you've done enough.

Trust me, I'm in this boat too. The self reflecting stuff.

Why I say you haven't done enough. You're willing to be plan B and a doormat. 

I don't know you, but you're better than being plan B.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thanks, Ele.

OP, you need to call his parents, his siblings, his best friends, and his pastor. And tell them what he has done. NOW.

And you need to call her husband and see if she told him the truth. And ask him for her parents' phone number, and then call THEM and tell them what their daughter is doing. 

This is the ONLY way you have even a CHANCE of staying married. Strong exposure, all at once, and STAY MAD.

Please trust me.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

He left his wife and his kids to be with a cheating woman with some other man's kids. Never can get my head around a man doing that. 
The success rate for relationships built on destruction of 2 families must be very low. 

You must remove yourself from being plan B. Right now you have to concentrate on you and the kids. Work on bettering yourself. Take care of your health. Your kids will need you now more than ever.

Pull away by doing the 180. Don't talk to him about the relationship, share your feelings with him, and DEFINITELY don't give him any. He's leaving for an obvious wh0re but you're a queen that would NEVER share a man.


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## lonewarrior (Jan 6, 2016)

I feel like my text may have been quite unclear, I had typed it out then copied and pasted it and my paragraphs all got merged. I feel like I left out some information too. Let me correct a couple things. 

He didn't cheat DURING my pregnancy. He and her were "friends" I do believe this. It was after his friendship and his feelings that they had for each other were brought to light that this all got much much worse. He slept with her "to see if the feelings would go away" - ****ing bull****, I know. But he slept with her a little more than a month ago now. I just knew that it happened, I had such bad feelings. He admitted it. We haven't been intimate at all after he was with her. 

This woman DOESN'T have her own kids. She "can't" have kids. She was married and her husband knew about my husband and her "feelings" for him the entire time she worked there, he asked her to quit. She did. They stopped talking because she gave my husband a letter asking that he never speak to her, since she didn't want to ruin her marriage and she has feelings... he didn't talk to her at all in a two week period. He had no way to contact her. I happened to stumble upon the information of him even working with a woman I've never heard about and I contacted her, I found her information, I questioned her... THAT led to her reaching out to him, opened the door for him to be in contact with her. 

They started "talking" and meeting for lunch THEN they had sex. Then she told her husband, and he didn't want to lose her, but she kicked him out. It was at that point that my husband changed from "I would never want to lose you, I am in love with you" ... to "well, she left her husband for me... so..." That's basically what happened. 

I DO NOT talk to him at all, UNLESS it is in regards to the children. I have made it very clear to him that I will not be a back up plan, that I am not happy with what he's done, and IF he decides to be my husband in the future, then we can TALK about it but in the mean time, I will be doing everything I can to live a life without him in it. 

The only time that I "pleaded/begged" him was during the two day span that he was "making his choice" But the moment he made his choice, I left the state and we don't talk about "us" at all. There is nothing to talk about. Only IF he changes his ways. Then we will not just be sweeping anything under the rug. We will be starting from the beginning. 

When I say, I plan to fight for my marriage, I mean, I do plan to be here, but not as a backup. I plan to work on myself, to move on without him then if/when he wakes up, he will have to work to be back in my life. He will also have to come back, honestly, because he WANTS to. Not just because things "go south" with the OW. I feel like my gut will know the difference when the time comes. 

As for exposure, I don't know how to handle that just yet. Apparently this OW is already parading him around and told a couple of his co-workers. So clearly, she gives no ****s about people knowing. I'm not sure how he feels about that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Don't even offer to talk to him when he's ready. That still leaves you as a backup because you've said that if he decides he's ready you'll be there.

File for divorce and force his hand; you should have no part in "fighting" for anything, let him fight for you. Letting wayward spouses dither NEVER works; why would you even want him back after he fvcked his [email protected] to explore his "feelings"? This is a married man with kids.....you can see how important his kids are to him.

DO make yourself a better person, that is always a good idea.


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## lonewarrior (Jan 6, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Don't even offer to talk to him when he's ready. That still leaves you as a backup because you've said that if he decides he's ready you'll be there.
> 
> File for divorce and force his hand; you should have no part in "fighting" for anything, let him fight for you. Letting wayward spouses dither NEVER works; why would you even want him back after he fvcked his [email protected] to explore his "feelings"? This is a married man with kids.....you can see how important his kids are to him.
> 
> DO make yourself a better person, that is always a good idea.


I don't ****ing know why I would want him back. Aside from the fact that I truly think he is just in a dark place right now. This is very out of character. I do love him, obviously. 

But you're right. I guess I am still looking like a "back up" :frown2:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lonewarrior said:


> I don't ****ing know why I would want him back. Aside from the fact that I truly think he is just in a dark place right now. This is very out of character. I do love him, obviously.
> 
> But you're right. I guess I am still looking like a "back up" :frown2:


I know, I'm sorry I'm so direct. I'm like that a lot :smile2:

I know it sucks and it's normal that you love him; it's just one time in your life that you really have to think with your head, because the normal emotional response will have the opposite effect.

Cry in private or come here anytime, but when dealing with him tell him to fvck off and you'll be finding a better replacement.

Right now skvnk is naughty and forbidden, you are boring and unappealing. Make yourself unavailable to him and tell him you wish he and skvnk well, and you feel bad for her because nobody knows better than you what she's getting. Think about it, she got a guy who walked out on his wife and kids.....think he wouldn't do it to her once she becomes comfortable and boring?

Then if he does want back in you can lay out your terms.

Lest you think I'm not direct with a big mouth in real life, I told my ex "fvck you and the horse you rode in on" before we divorced


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lonewarrior said:


> As for exposure, I don't know how to handle that just yet. Apparently this OW is already parading him around and told a couple of his co-workers. So clearly, she gives no ****s about people knowing. I'm not sure how he feels about that.


Bullsh*t. SHE cares. Trust me, SHE CARES. Tell all her people that he is married with young kids and he ABANDONED his family over night for her. She'll care a LOT if you do that.

I get it. You're AFRAID to expose. You're AFRAID that he will then say 'oh, you've done it now, I'll NEVER come back to you, now that you've told my parents.'

Please believe me. This isn't true. Exposure isn't what makes people leave. And he's already left; what do you have to lose? 

But exposure CAN save a marriage.

Do it now. Tonight.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jsmart said:


> He left his wife and his kids to be with a cheating woman with some other man's kids. Never can get my head around a man doing that.
> The success rate for relationships built on destruction of 2 families must be very low.
> 
> You must remove yourself from being plan B. Right now you have to concentrate on you and the kids. Work on bettering yourself. Take care of your health. Your kids will need you now more than ever.
> ...


So he replaces his own wife with another woman. Now, this is bad enough.

BUT to make his cake even yummier with extra excrement in the frosting, he replaces his own child with the other woman's children? :wtf:

I mean, what kind of monster could DO such a thing to his own child?

Oh. Your husband. 

Time you lawyered up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Lone warrior

Sorry you are in this situation. But what others have told you is correct.

*
YOU CANNOT RECONCILE ALONE AND STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR HIS AFFAIR.*

Yes you own 50% or some part of the marital problems but he owns the affair all by himself 100%. Stop making excuses for him.

Millions of folks, men and women, have a mid life crisis and do not cheat. 

I hope you have seen an attorney to protect yourself . He needs you to file for divorce ( you can stop it anytime you want to). But right now you are there for him as Plan B, and you are too good for that. 

There is a saying and it is true

"YOU CANNOT NICE THEM BACK""

Your best chance to knock him out of his little crisis is to knock him out of it or let him see some real life consequences. Moving him out was good, although if vyou own home you cannot keep him out, but the affair has to be stopped. Tell the OW husband if they are still married.

And do not waste any money on MC with someone who is still actively in an affair.

Wishing you strength


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Hi, so sorry you are going through this. My husband was also out of character and in a dark place. Luckily he wasn't in love with OW and she lived several days drive away. 

He did decide to leave me to be on his own, he was adamant he wanted a divorce, I convinced him to stay and give me time to work on myself and to get a soft transition. All the while I did not accept our marriage being over, I focused on meeting his needs and to remind him of how good we are together. I managed to get him back, and now we are working to rebuild. 

Seeing so clearly that he was not himself and that this was a severe midlife crisis was the main motivation for me not to give up before he was himself again. It sucks that you have to deal with this OW as such a clear competition. At the end of the day you are so much better than her, you are the mother of his children. There is no way that s!ut can compete with you in the long run.

Wish only the best for you and your children


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

OP, file for divorce and child support. Don't wait around in limbo. If, and that's a big if, he leaves OW or she leaves him and you decide to take him back someday you can always get remarried.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You might find marriage builders Marriage Builders Â® - Successful Marriage Advice of use if you are commented to saving your marriage. They suggest a two prong method: plan A and plan B. 

You might want to read @jld posts on the subject. I would caution you about two things to consider.

If you choose this route do not over look two vital steps because although it does stress a lot of positives that need to be taken. First expose the adultery to friends and family. The web site explains the why (before he can focus on your marriage the adulterous affair needs to be stopped) and children above the age of four must be informed their father has chosen to be with the OW and not with his family. The site also sample exposure letters. Don't be put off by these two steps. Read the articles to see why these steps are necessary Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums While JLD would be very positive and supportive of your thoughts @RoseAglow might explain better why these two steps are needed. 

The second item I think you need to consider is do you really want him back. Today the answer is yes but you are in shock. If he does come back sooner or latter the resentment and emotional pain you are feeling will come to the surface and you will need to be dealt with. If not then one day in the future you will wake up, roll over see your spouse still sleeping and think " why did I ever want him back".


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

One other point have you read this post http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html ? It is a welcome to post with a lot of information for you about the site and definitions of common abbreviations.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

JohnA is right. Many spouses go into panic mode and the only thing on their mind is getting wayward spouse back. 

Once said spouse is back though they can find themselves wondering if he or she is worth it.

Then they realize they didn't get much of a prize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would not encourage you to try to get him back, OP. I would encourage you to file for divorce and get child support, as MMJean recommended.

But @SlowlyGoingCrazy had success in a somewhat similar situation to yours, by using the Marriage Builders approach. 

SGC, what do you think she should do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@jld I don't understand your respouse. That is not the advise you given to Gridcom and others in her situation? Can you explain why this is so?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

OP


Please realize the world has many men that would not treat you this way. Divorce and move on with your life. Never be someone's option. You and your kids deserve way better than that. Find a good lawyer and let them take the lead on this so you can start your recovery process.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

jld said:


> I would not encourage you to try to get him back, OP. I would encourage you to file for divorce and get child support, as MMJean recommended.
> 
> But @SlowlyGoingCrazy had success in a somewhat similar situation to yours, by using the Marriage Builders approach.
> 
> ...


For me, had my Husband actually left/moved out at any point then it would be done. 

I don't think you can Plan A the way it needs to be done while living separately and there is no way to ensure they are not seeing their AP which would just make any effort you make wiped out every time they see their AP again. 

So I'd just divorce. Plan B (0 contact) in the meantime


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Lonewarrior,

I do find some merit in JLD's almost always advise to accept his behavior and to concentrate on patience and understanding of what the WS (wayward spouse) is going though, focus on improving yourself and making yourself and you marriage better for the both of you I agree with Wolf1974. 

I also accept people will do what they want to do regardless of how insane most others would consider their actions. I paged JLD to your thread and RoseAglow to your thread because if you are going to go down the path you say you are they might be able to give you the best advise on how to go about it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Full exposure immediately.

If you're weak and timid during this time you will have no control over your situation and will regret it later. 

Be smart here.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Hi Lone, 

I am so, so sorry this has happened to you and your family. Unfortunately, this is a text book example of how affairs start in a good marriage (yours). Your husband dropped his boundaries with the OW and they both started to fill the others most important emotional needs: she was full of admiration for him, they shared intimate conversation for her. They got that hit of new love, and then it's off to the races, it's like an addiction. As is often the case, one spouse found out but was not able to kill the affair. He didn't expose, and as a result the APs were able to stay in communication. They simply took the affair underground. If he had exposed to you, you would have known and could have been a powerful ally. Working together, along with a strong exposure, might have killed the affair early on. 

Instead, you are now dealing with a deeply entrenched affair. It's been going on for some time now. It will be extremely difficult to break up. Your only real weapon is exposure. Definitely expose. Get your side of the story out, ask his family and friends to support you and tell him that his place is back with his family, and he is making the mistake of his life. It's the truth. If your kids don't know that the reason for the split is because Daddy has a girlfriend and that's not allowed when you're married, they should know it. It's not bad-mouthing, no judgement on either AP, just the truth so that they know why their family has been blown up. 

You don't have to decide today on whether or not you want to take him back. But you give yourself options when you make the moves to save your marriage. Also, by exposing, people who love you will support you. You need as much support as you can get. You are going through one of the painful things your spouse could ever do to you. 

I agree with JohnA's recommendation to go to the MB website and read up on their strategies for surviving an affair. At this point in time, you would be encouraged to write a Plan B letter laying out your conditions for reconciliation, then go completely dark so that you can heal. You would be encouraged to use an intermediary for all communications, so that you never see the garbage that the Wayward spouse writes, and you only get actual requests or information. You would be encouraged to set up kid exchanges so that you never have to see or hear him. It is very difficult for most women to go into Plan B, but after 2-3 weeks of strict no contact, they tend to do very well. Many actually thrive. If the affair dies, they still have some love left for their husbands and can go on to reconcile. If it ends in divorce, they are already onto their stable, safe new life. What kills most women emotionally is having intermittent exposure to their wayward husband. They get much better, much faster, in a strong, dark Plan B. 

It sounds like you're pretty much following mb instinctively, but you really do need to expose if you have any hope of killing the affair. Even if you don't want to take him back, you don't want your kids spending half their time and holidays with her either, right? Do your best to kill that affair dead. At least you will know you've done everything you could do. 

Take care, keep posting.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think RoseAlgow's comments are equally valid for men. Thanks for jumping in Rose.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please find a lawyer and file for divorce. Do the 180 to help you detach and build your emotional strength.

If he is not gone for good and decides he wants another chance, you will be in a position of strength. Either way, you need to do what is best for you.

He is cake-eating and believes completely that he has two women who desperately want him. How exciting for him!

Take yourself out of the competition. Don't fight for him or your marriage. Fight for you and your kids. File for D. You will feel empowered and your own distress and fog will start to clear. He doesn't deserve you no matter how this winds up.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

lonewarrior said:


> Then I started the NC. We went this month hardly speaking about anything other than finances and the children. There was a conversation that I had with him at one point, where he seemed to have "woken up" and realized that he made a huge mistake, he was so sad and said he needed to think about things again. I swore that gave me hope that we could reconcile. Then the next day, like the flip of a switch, he was back to justifying his decisions.


 When you were in NC with your husband for that month, there came a point where "he seemed to have "woken up" and realized that he made a huge mistake". Once you let him know that you were willing to reconcile, "the next day, like the flip of a switch, he was back to justifying his decisions". Bottom line when he checked to see if you were still willing to be a backup plan, and you said yes, he found you unattractive for being willing to do that; he also knew that he could safely purse his fun with this other woman without risking losing you if it did not work out with her. Had you said no that you were not interested in taking him back so easily, and had you filed for divorce and made him work to try to get you to give him a second chance, the odds would be much better that he would be working to save his marriage to you than they are now. At this point he feels that he has nothing to lose exploring his relationship with his affair partner, since you taking him back is a given. You almost had him fooled when you went NC, but you cleared that up for him quickly.

I am not blaming you for being weak, because you are still in love with him. I am not criticizing you, because you did nothing wrong to deserve this. You are making the same common mistakes that most people in your situation make at first. The quicker that you learn that you must be really willing to end your marriage without looking back in order to have a chance at saving it, the better your chances are of turning things around. File for divorce now. After you file, you cannot even consider giving him a second chance unless he works hard to earn it. The odds are not good, but you still have a real chance. Time is not on your side.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why are you not angry?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi loneWarrior, 

If you do not expose and kill this adulterous affair not only will this women be in your marriage, she will at least be in the middle of your divorce. Ask yourself: does she get a say in the custody agreement? Does she have a say in what is a fair child support agreement ? Does she get a vote in what is a fair asset division ? 

Before cell phones were common the only way to keep in touch were phone calls, in person, though snail mail, and email. I had a key logger on my computer and read every email back and forth between my ex and her posm. I never revealed until after the divorce how I knew. She thought my family had given me money for a PI. We had no children and our finances were relatively simple. I did not expose because he had a 16 year old daughter. (I spent 100 dollars on a very good on line background search) 

Even so the SOB was not content fing my wife he thought he got a say in what was fair, and yes his definition of fair was skewed. My ex and I finally reach a fair split using a mediator and after I drove him out of the picture. 

On a side note because I did not expose it allowed him to do greater damage to his wife and children. At one point after his DDay I read where his daughter (when the wife was not home) tried to bring her boyfriend into her bedroom in front of her father. During the month that I failed to take action the two of them used his bedroom for their romps. If I had exposed sooner that would never had happened and that would not have been how she discovered what was happening.

To be fair to myself I thought his wife knew. My ex swore not only did she know, but according to him had already filed and was basically all ready shacked up with OM. 

You will hear a lot about the fog going forward. So here is my example. My ex thought it was very unfair that she could not show off and share her wonderful house with him like he did with his. She honestly thought I wasn't being fair. Why didn't she sneak her in ? I spoke to my neighbors all around me about what she was doing. The ones in front and back of me both told her that they wished her well going forward, if she tried to sneak him in they would knock on our door and ask to speak to her posm and let e know. Other then that our lives were none of there business.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

To clarify at that time I had been downsized in an industry that does not really exist anymore, not unlike typesetting. So I took an overnight job to keep myself busy. So I was not in the house at the same time.

Oh, there were a lot emails back and forth about what a asshyoe I was. But the point is cheaters are cowards and he stayed away.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You said this other woman is parading your husband around his co-workers and she gives no $hitt. It is not true. Your husband is doing this. He have zero respect for you,your kids,your family,friends ...

Your husband and this woman destroyed two familys. OW kicked her own husband and your husband decided to leave you and your kids. 

They care only about themselfs,so you need to step up the game my Lady.

You have future in front of you,a lovely future with new baby so you better talk with lawyer my Lady and see your custody rights. He does not deserve you.

Stay strong and good luck.

PS. I forgot. You belive him to much and his words. I dont belive when he says he slept with OW month ago,just to see where they stand. That is so stupid to me,sorry. You know they have been in Emotional Affair for long,long time.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Exposure........ his family, work, church... OWs husband, work... to anyone who will listen.

File for D ... get a good custody request set-up, CS .... and go NC and 180 his arse.

When you give defiant people what they want, it rarely ever turns out as they expected.

Nicing him back never works... use an iron fist to show him what life will be like..... without you.

When he realizes YOU stop giving a damn about him.... he will start giving a damn about you.

OP .... I'd give you the same advice if you are a man.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> Exposure........ his family, work, church... OWs husband, work... to anyone who will listen.
> 
> File for D ... get a good custody request set-up, CS .... and go NC and 180 his arse.
> 
> ...


When we start living ourselves good things happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JohnA said:


> @jld I don't understand your respouse. That is not the advise you given to Gridcom and others in her situation? Can you explain why this is so?


Grid's wife was still living with him, and grid knew what had precipitated her vulnerability to her affair. This OP has not said what she may have contributed to her husband's vulnerability, if anything. She is certainly welcome to reflect on that and try to improve. If nothing else, she will be in better shape for her next relationship.

To me, it looks like he has moved on. The interest in the OW is high. To protect herself and her children, I think she needs to file.

As someone else said, she can work on herself in the meantime if she wants, and perhaps he will come back later. She can wait for him if she wants. I think Rose said that Dr. Harley says that most affairs die within two years, some within six months. 

But in the meantime I think she needs to think very practically. I would recommend filing.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

jld said:


> Grid's wife was still living with him, and grid knew what had precipitated her vulnerability to her affair. This OP has not said what she may have contributed to her husband's vulnerability, if anything. She is certainly welcome to reflect on that and try to improve. If nothing else, she will be in better shape for her next relationship.
> 
> To me, it looks like he has moved on. The interest in the OW is high. To protect herself and her children, I think she needs to file.
> 
> ...


I see things otherwise


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

TRy is right. You need to tell him you are finished with the game. 

It is a game for him even if he doesn't realize it. He is addicted and caught up with it. When he talks to you and you say yes, and if he then goes back to her and she says I am done with you, you are entertaining your wife again, by her rejecting him, she now has him back.

You should be the one to reject and you will be the one who gets him back : )

Of course you are still playing the game this way. 

This, because he would not ever have reached out to you unless he still needed the juice from you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

No @jld you explanation does not hold water, but that is a discussion for another day and another thread. 

Lana, when he started to come around his reversal was only slightly due to you talking to him. The biggest reason the abrupt change occurred was because OW is still pulling the strings. As long as she is in his life, he will yo-yo on you. 


Take care John.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

whitespace is your friend.


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