# early in separation



## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

hi all

well i too am going through a separtation after only 3 months of marriage... ill give you little bit about my relationship.... i knew there were problems before we got married like his drinking and anger issues.. we went to couples couselling before marriage and he eventually got a job and everything seemed amazing. he drank 95% of our honeymoon and then when we got back the problems began he lost his job he drank all the time i tried to get him help help and he was not interested. he started stealing money and pushing me and verbally abusing me all the time not letting me sleep when i needed to be at work early and then he started selling our things to fuel his drinking...

ok fast forward i kicked him out and he went back to his parents in tasmania, australia (im in adelaide aus) to work things out but i realised unless he changed i wasent taking him back. he stayed there and is not coming back due to the fact after 3 weeks he has done nothing to help our relationship or his drinking problem.

so now im going through the motions of not wearing my rings getting things that remind me of him and putting them away. learning to cook for one and watch movies that have no romance in them at all etc.

how do u survive something like this?? sorry this post is long just needed to vent how am feeling right now


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

olivia234 said:


> hi all
> 
> 
> how do u survive something like this??


For a start, you give yourself credit for spotting the problems so early in the marriage. For all the pain and insecurity you're feeling right now, it would have been so much worse if you'd left it for a few years. And with his abusive streak, you've also saved yourself that particular pain too. Pushing and shoving so early in the relationship can easily turn to other types of abuse as well. So, if I were you I'd be cutting myself some slack, giving myself a HUGE pat on the back for being so decisive and strong in making the difficult decision you've had to make, and thanking your lucky stars that you ARE such a strong person and didn't spend the rest of your life in a bad relationship. You have given yourself the chance of a lifetime, and it's time to carry that strength through other areas of your life. 

When you do find someone else, make sure he treats you properly. Make sure he's nothing like your stbxh. You have a great opportunity now, thanks to your initiative and belief in yourself. You really dodged a bullet. 

Cooking for one? Soups and casseroles are great. Make one, eat it for dinner on the first night, then portion into containers and freeze. Get yourself some steamfresh vegies and some frozen oven fish fillets or chicken etc. Your freezer is your friend when you're on your own. And don't forget, a lot of fresh fruit and veg last just fine the crisper for a long time (such as apples last forever). And don't forget to treat yourself. I don't know you at all, but even I'm proud of your for doing this! It's daunting and very sad, but there's nothing wrong with allowing yourself to feel excited about the prospect of your own future. The only person stopping you now is you, and I'm guessing not even that, given the strong decision you made.


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

thanks for saying all those things but right now i feel like a real b***h for what im doing to him. i feel like i should be working on this marriage not tearing it apart.

another nite all by myself. i sit here and think omg this house is empty and alone when no one is here to welcome u home after work. im in such a deep depression right now and then i go and cry and then im like F**k him and i dont care and i get so angry. all those posts ive read about rollercoasters and stages of grief etc and i know im going through them i just dont want to go through them.

i just want my life to feel normal again

*update* just recieved a text about him canceling some bills so i can reconnect in my own name etc hes being so helpful he could be a real s**t about this but hes being co operative... not like some STBXH/W that ive read about on here... makes me think did i do the right thing??


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

You did the right thing. It's a good job you realised early on, because if he doesn't help himself, it could get much worse.

I made the mistake of going back, thinking it would change. It did, for the worse. Started off as him throwing a metal soap dish by accident, to his hands around my neck. I too feel like a b***h, as he has no one, but I know I can't go back - too much has happened, and he won't seek help. Please try and stay strong.


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

im trying to its just so lonely here i dont have children with him and i dont have pets due to renting and the nights and weekends are terrible..

i wish he wouldnt be so nice about changing the stuff in my name and being so helpful makes me think dont u want to yell or scream or fight for me?? for our marriage? i have no money thanks to him and constantly struggling and i work like a dog in a job i hate but need to so i can pay rent bills etc... 

just am so tired of this all


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

The weekends are the hardest. I have family and friends around me and I still feel lonely and long to be with him.

I'm reading "Why does he do that?" the Lundy Bancroft book, and it helps a great deal.


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

thanks ill get the book when i have money lol and hes texting me saying i take it we are over? i mean WTF??? didnt me tossing ur a** to another state for ur drinking and abuse tell u I am done?? he then trys to ring me and i speaking to sister online and i defend him when she speaks bad about him... why am i defending him when hes done all these wrong things??

im so angry sad mad depressed all these emotions


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## healingme (Aug 21, 2010)

Is it possible to downsize and get an apartment? Big empty houses just make it feel worse. Apartments are built for people on their own and it doesn't feel so wrong.

You can rent with pets. I know, because I'm doing it right now. I really thought it was impossible. I have 2 cats and was very up front with the real estate agent right from the get go. I told them all about my cats and left nothing out and they still chose me over the other applicants. If you do want to get a pet (and I'm not telling you to, but just if you are thinking about it) a good idea is to get an older cat or dog who is already house trained, and one without a history of spraying or marking. 

Have you seen a counsellor? In Aus you can go to your GP and get a Mental Health Plan and a referral to a counsellor. You get a lot of it back on medicare. eg. if the consult is $130, you'd get around $70 back (or something like that). The cost was the only reason I didn't see one, and now I wish I'd known about the rebate. You can't get a rebate for marriage counselling, just for private counselling. 

The grief is the worst feeling, but it does subside eventually. The more you fight it, the longer it lasts. You need to let yourself grieve, and know that every bad feeling does eventually wash over you and you do come out the other side, battered but intact. Like most big changes in life, you have to go through some pain to get there, and I know it looks hopeless right now and like you're never going to smile again. It's the most horrible feeling, and there's very little anyone can say or do that will make you feel any better. I just keep reminding myself that, regardless of how much I love and miss my stbxh, there is a very good reason I have left. When I feel lonely, I remember how much worse it felt to be lonely with him in the same house or even sitting next to me. At least there's a valid reason for my loneliness now. It's because I'm alone. What was the reason for my loneliness before? That was because of our unhealthy marriage.


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

healingme thanks for the advice!! I have a psychiatrist as i have a mental illness so dont need a counsellor heheh and also i live in an apartment but still its very lonely

ok so update he messages me last nite saying either ur ignoring me or uve run outta credit i said to him credit but i am ignoring u coz i dont want to talk!!! he so dosent get the hint im soo mad at him for all the things hes done that he thinks i wanna talk?? 

he then trys ringing twice which i dont pick up to and then i decide to go to bed so i msg his mother which is where he is telling her i dont want him msg etc (i know its just gonna turn into a fight). he then says this: I take it me and you are over? WTF?????????????? 

i told him im leaving and i want the accounts for electricity and rent etc all in my name and that its over and that im so mad at him for all those things he did and for not wanting to change for taking me and our marriage for granted, i swear its gone in one ear and out the other! does this not mean we are over what do i have to do stomp on ur heart like uve done with mine and announce on Facebook that im done with us so that everyone knows?? omg omg omg

on the other hand if he dosent realise that its over then i need to retell him and then i think that it would truely be over for both of us coz i was holding out hope he would change and then if i say to him thats it then i have to tell myself that its it that there isent any going back etc how do i tell myself that too?

sorry for long post


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## olivia234 (Sep 19, 2010)

ok so i have the post calling and calling... well he did it again last nite and he also messaged me saying thanks for the electricity bill coz it was in his name which is 600 coz he wasent paid by him... now he will have a 600 bill... omg why didnt he pay these bills now hes gonna get so mad im scared thank God hes in another state!!

im getting a cat in think then i wont be lonely! maybe this is a good option dont know if should ask the agent or not. it says no pets in contract but i need someone to come home to!


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## holdingtwenty (Jul 28, 2010)

I know how you feel about being lonely and cooking for one. My wife who I have been with 19 years left me last week. it s#cks. The weekends are the worst but I try to take walks and go to street fairs and garage sales. When I feel lonely I call my friends and family and talk to them. I also go on this forum to read and post. I am grateful she left me our 12 year old cat. 

Everyone has their own internal dialog. Always tell yourself that you did the right thing. His alcoholism would have gotten worse. 

Good Luck, I know how you feel and I am sure things will get better for us both.


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