# Porn use during sex



## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

I've been divorced for about a year and started seeing a man who is 47, never been married. In the beginning of our relationship he told me he masturbated several times a day. I said that seemed like a lot and he said he has a high libido.

Then we were having sex and the tv was on. He said the tv was distracting so he changed the channel to porn. He did this several times and I told him I didn't want porn on while we were having sex. This issue resulted in 2 fights between us, i said while I'm not completed opposed to porn, it does nothing for me and I think it can be bad for relationships by creating unrealistic expectations. He said he didn't see the problem since we have sex fine without it so it's not interfering with our relationship, but it can be an enhancement and sometimes given his age he needs help finishing, but it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, I'm beautiful and turn him on.

He said he'd stop since I'm uptight about it. I kind of took offense to him calling me uptight. Am I being uptight?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

no you're not being TOO uptight.

it's good that you set early boundaries. many women don't 'get' the porn thing and are turned off by it and there are reasons for that.
(one of them you have already mentioned).

don't consider yourself unusual in that respect.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

"Uptight".  Nice shaming tactic.

I'd bet he'd feel a little "uptight" if you had to watch BBC porn to finish with him. I'd suggest you try it on him some time, but I'm not sure if I'd even want you to continue in this relationship.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

Thanks everyone. He said he wouldn't care what I needed to get off as long as I was doing it with him. He also made a comparison between porn and vibrators as tools to help one finish. He does take longer to orgasm than i'm used to, but I've never been with a man over 42. I have been revaluating this relationship. I'm very attracted to him and he's really affectionate, but there are a few red flags and this is one of them.


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## 85GT-79FJ40 (Feb 13, 2016)

I'm a guy but 47 and never married and has to watch porn all the time... Does he live in his parent's basement? Porn has never really done it for me. Sure I guess it could get you turned on but it's hollow. It's not love, just lust. Do you want to love someone or do you want someone to have sex with. 2 different things in my mind.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I wouldn't watch porn during sex. (maybe very rarely as a kink)


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I wouldn't watch porn during sex. (maybe very rarely as a kink)


Yeah, we tried it a couple of times, maybe 20 years ago back in the VHS days, but it didn't add to the experience.

I'm not opposed to it on general principles, so long as both folks are on board with it, but Lynn, it's perfectly okay for you not to want this to be a part of your love-making experience.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

Yes, 47 and never married was one of the other red flags. Another is I found an ad he placed before we started seeing each other on some kind of sex site. The ad said "male, 47 in good shape, well endowed looking for some fun". Maybe it's normal for single guys to seek casual sex on the internet but how many women would respond to an ad like that?

We have a lot of common interests so it's a shame these issues exist.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lynn508 said:


> Yes, 47 and never married was one of the other red flags. Another is I found an ad he placed before we started seeing each other on some kind of sex site. The ad said "male, 47 in good shape, well endowed looking for some fun". Maybe it's normal for single guys to seek casual sex on the internet but how many women would respond to an ad like that?
> 
> We have a lot of common interests so it's a shame these issues exist.


Male or female, if they are in to casual sex I see nothing wrong with an ad like that, and odds are there is someone on the other side of that looking for the same thing.

Too many red flags, I would move on. Probably better you found all this stuff out now before you invest too much time.

Of course, you could take one for the team, marry him and then divorce him right away. This should hopefully remove one of the red flags for him for future mates :grin2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lynn508 said:


> Yes, 47 and never married was one of the other red flags. Another is I found an ad he placed before we started seeing each other on some kind of sex site. The ad said "male, 47 in good shape, well endowed looking for some fun". Maybe it's normal for single guys to seek casual sex on the internet but how many women would respond to an ad like that?
> 
> We have a lot of common interests so it's a shame these issues exist.


Sounds to me like his idea of sex is just "assisted masturbation." 

If you are determined to stay in this relationship, agree with him that porn is just like a vibrator and nothing to be ashamed about. Then ask him to make some porn for you to watch as well while you have sex. Tell him that the subject matter of this porn that you want him to make is, "just a video of him staring deeply at the camera." Then play this on the TV the next time you have sex with him, and pander to the TV as if you are trying to please it and not him in real life. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Lynn508 said:


> I've been divorced for about a year and started seeing a man who is 47, never been married. In the beginning of our relationship *he told me he masturbated several times a day. I said that seemed like a lot and he said he has a high libido.*
> 
> *Then we were having sex and the tv was on. He said the tv was distracting so he changed the channel to porn. He did this several times and I told him I didn't want porn on while we were having sex.* This issue resulted in 2 fights between us, i said while I'm not completed opposed to porn, it does nothing for me and I think it can be bad for relationships by creating unrealistic expectations. He said he didn't see the problem since we have sex fine without it so it's not interfering with our relationship, but it can be an enhancement and *sometimes given his age he needs help finishing*, but it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, I'm beautiful and turn him on.
> 
> He said he'd stop since I'm uptight about it. I kind of took offense to him calling me uptight. Am I being uptight?


One simple solution: _don't have sex with the fvcking TV on in the first place_. I find this extremely distracting myself and have never understood why anyone would want random burger commercials or talking news heads as a chaotic backdrop to an intimate moment. At least porn is on-topic! :smile2: 

Despite the self-proclaimed "high libido", it sounds like this guy's highly conditioned for porn-mediated orgasms to the point where he has trouble getting off without seeing it, or at least visualizing it. It's a danger unrelated to the typical moralizing/prudish/religious/feminist objections to porn. I think this has more to do with neural pathways and habituation than with invidious comparisons between you and pornstars, FWIW. 

He'd be a good candidate for a #nofap porn moratorium, and perhaps also for throttling back (heh) on his solo masturbation until he can get a firmer grasp (heh) of what it's like to reach orgasm interactively with a Real Person again.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

He rarely cums during PIV sex with me so we almost never do it. Only with oral or anal. So based on what some of you are saying it sounds like maybe this is because of porn conditioning. I don't really enjoy anal but I find myself agreeing to it so he doesn't think I'm "uptight"


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As long as both partners subscribe to its usage while in the bedroom, I don't really see a problem with it!

In both of my marriages, we did upon occasion, make
use of it, but doing so was the exception much rather than the rule! And I never suggested using it as it was my W's choice.

And while I may favor occasional usage of porn for consenting couples, the one area that I absolutely couldn't fathom would be filming your own lovemaking sessions!

Hell, I can't even stand to look at my clothed pictures much less than looking at a film of me "humping" some lady that I'm in love with!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *As long as both partners subscribe to its usage while in the bedroom, I don't really see a problem with it!
> 
> In both of my marriages, we did upon occasion, make
> use of it, but doing so was the exception much rather than the rule! And I never suggested using it as it was my W's choice.
> ...


Do you keep on the white wig when humping or take it off???


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Do you keep on the white wig when humping or take it off???


*Gotta wear that sucker, Ellis! Without it, it would really get nasty looking!

As well as hilarious, all at the same time!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's no wonder that he doesn't come with you. He's already jacked off 5 times. He can tell himself that he has a high libido but the truth is he is addicted to his penis. You are not uptight so stop offering him the back door. Check out the health problems that you can develop from this practice. For a guy you haven't dated for that long? Uh, no.

This isn't the guy for you - he isn't the guy for anyone. Plus, he's too damned old to train as a husband You gotta get 'em younger.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I agree with Blondilocks. If he's masturbating several times a day and can't finish with you, he has a problem. He needs to stop masturbating so much during the day and see if he still has an issue O-ing during PIV. 

But really, I would run if I were you. This guy has too many red flags to keep as a potential long term partner.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Dump this dude and NOW!!!!!!!!!!


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

My husband and are I both HD and frequently watch porn together and on our own. However, it took time before we started watching together and my husband never pressured me. You need to dump this guy, he has no respect for you. Your sex life will only get worse from here on out. Not better.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

If he can come anal and oral but not PIV, then I think the guy has self esteem or sexual intimacy issues with women.
If he has never been married then perhaps he has never formed that close bond with someone to shift "sexual release" to "making love".
Why don't you talk about it. It's probably the only way to evoke any change. Ask him if he has any insecurities or has trouble engaging emotionally?
Porn is the nuts and bolts of sex. It holds no emotional element, and hence no pressure during the act if he turns it into assisted masturbation.
Being 47, I wonder though if his behaviours are very engrained or if he has deeper emotional issues that he carries.
Be aware that he may never or not want to address any issues he has.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lynn508 said:


> sometimes given his age he needs help finishing, but it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, I'm beautiful and turn him on.


He needs help finishing because he isn't turned on by you. He is too used to the 20 something porn girls with fake cans so while you may be beautiful for your age, you're chop liver by comparison in his mind. Almost certainly, while he is having sex with you, he is fantasizing about them while the porn is going pretending you are them so he can finish because his mind is trained that way. 

You are nothing more than his human sex doll. 

Too much porn will cause performance issues because you can never meet the standard he is attracted too from the constant porn. What he needs to do is take a long break from the porn to break the bad habit he has fallen into. When he does this his "libido" will still be there but eventually he will start to desire you instead of these online wh0res. If he can't quit the porn for a while then you need to quit him.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

Thanks so much for the responses, this has all been extremely helpful. I've been married all my adult life and am clueless with it comes to the dating world. My ex would use porn on occasion when I wasn't around. But even then it wasn't the real kinky kind of porn this guy watches and it was probably only once a week on average.

I had thought about asking him to lay off the porn for a while, but I wouldn't know how to bring it up because it's become such a sensitive topic. He'd say that I'm trying to shame him and make him feel like a freak, and he insists it has not affected sex between us. If I leave him he can continue his porn without interference since its so important to him that it cost him a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Lynn508 said:


> I've been divorced for about a year and started seeing a man who is 47, never been married. In the beginning of our relationship he told me he masturbated several times a day. I said that seemed like a lot and he said he has a high libido.
> 
> Then we were having sex and the tv was on. He said the tv was distracting so he changed the channel to porn. He did this several times and I told him I didn't want porn on while we were having sex. This issue resulted in 2 fights between us, i said while I'm not completed opposed to porn, it does nothing for me and I think it can be bad for relationships by creating unrealistic expectations. He said he didn't see the problem since we have sex fine without it so it's not interfering with our relationship, but it can be an enhancement and sometimes given his age he needs help finishing, but it has nothing to do with me not being good enough, I'm beautiful and turn him on.
> 
> He said he'd stop since I'm uptight about it. I kind of took offense to him calling me uptight. Am I being uptight?


In matters of taste there are no disputes. If you don't like having porn on while having sex, then I'd suggest finding someone else. I completely disagree with the "bad for relationships" nonsense; but it doesn't matter. You don't like it. That's all that matters.

If these are hard boundaries for you, then state them to him. And if he's got a problem with them, move on.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

This guy is a pig, not because of the porn, but because of the way he is treating you. I say leave the pig in his pen and move on to someone who treats you right and doesn't need to manipulate you for their selfish satisfaction.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

The biggest red flag I see in all of this is that he started watching the porn without any communication about it first, he is self centred and not a good catch. I personally don't have an issue with porn, it is not an issue in our relationship but this like lots of other issue around sex was discussed upfront and early on. To have him just turn it on while you were having sex means he has no regard for you.

He is not a prize catch, move on and find someone that respects you.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

Holland said:


> The biggest red flag I see in all of this is that he started watching the porn without any communication about it first, he is self centred and not a good catch. I personally don't have an issue with porn, it is not an issue in our relationship but this like lots of other issue around sex was discussed upfront and early on. To have him just turn it on while you were having sex means he has no regard for you.
> 
> He is not a prize catch, move on and find someone that respects you.


I agree Holland, it's actually the first thing that came to mind when he first did it - why would he assume I'd want it without asking first? He had also exhibited other self centered behaviors, like insisting on watching genres of movies he likes that he knows I don't, asking for back massages and not giving in return. Ugh.. We have such amazing physical chemistry, plus hes the only guy I've ever been able to O with while he is going down on me. But at the end of the day I'm not looking for just a F*ck buddy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Are you exclusive? How long have you been dating?

IME, dating post divorce was a bit of fun and it really showed me what I wanted in a partner but as importantly what I didn't want. 

I had come from a sexually dysfunctional marriage and it was lots of fun trying out new men but without any desire to commit or be weighed down by their bs behaviours. 

Maybe this guy is good as a FWB but that is all, not a relationship. If the sex is good just get what you want in that area while keeping your options open. Don't settle for a low quality man.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

lynn, there is a REASON he's 47 and never married. 

This early in the relationship and he's got porn things going on? You already know it's not your thing and he's not going to change his ways. This is the tip of the iceberg you're seeing.

Get out now before you get too invested.

Jerking off several times a day and yet still having sex with you? He has a probablem with getting off BECAUSE he's jerking off to porn so much.

Welcome to the joys of dating in your 40s! Fun aint' it?




intheory said:


> One of the red flags is that he is 47 and has never been married.
> 
> I'd actually prefer if he had been divorced once.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Run from this guy. Let him enjoy his television and his hand. He has the problem, not you.

Your Brain on Porn: How Internet Porn Affects the Brain (2015) | Your Brain On Porn

My husband is 55, and he can finish in 2 minutes if he wants to, or hold on for longer for me. Age doesn't necessarily make a man take a long time. Your boyfriend's brain has been rewired from the porn, and he needs that type of stimulous to get off.

Masturbating 4 times a day is for teenagers, not men in their 40's. He is a sex addict, and you aren't his addiction, it is porn.

So glad there is internet now, and you can check out your gut feelings with others instead of questioning yourself and listening to his manipulative shaming technique...."you have a hangup." Sheesh! 

No, he has an addiction with fantasy women that is getting in the way of real life relationships.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Some might consider you uptight (him being one of them obviously) and some wouldn't, but it doesn't really matter at the end of the day because it's not something that is a requirement to adjust to in order to have a satisfying relationship. There are plenty of people out there who would have a fulfilling sex life without needing porn (or anal for that matter). You aren't compatible in a very important area of your relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No. You're not uptight.

He is a porn addict and you are a sex puppet.

He won't stop so you may want to move on to a man that can start and finish without watching porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

He hasn't put on the porn since we fought about it. I've seen no difference in how long he takes to finish with or without it. However he will now film me going down on him with his cell phone almost every time. I guess taking video during sex is something that turns some people on? 

I've let him in through the back door 3 times. He does go slowly and asks periodically if it hurts. It doesn't hurt but it's certainly not pleasurable. He seems to want to believe I enjoy things I don't, that I'm just saying I don't like them to be coy. He keeps telling me he feels me getting wet whenever he touches me back there (sorry if this is TMI) so I must like it.

He always wants to hug and cuddle after sex, so I'm not sure he sees me as just a masturbatory tool. Sex with him can be so exhausting though because I feel like I have to perform for him. Not saying I want to lay there like a dead fish, but he requires more then I'm used to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lynn508 said:


> He hasn't put on the porn since we fought about it. I've seen no difference in how long he takes to finish with or without it. However he will now film me going down on him with his cell phone almost every time. I guess taking video during sex is something that turns some people on?
> 
> I've let him in through the back door 3 times. He does go slowly and asks periodically if it hurts. It doesn't hurt but it's certainly not pleasurable. He seems to want to believe I enjoy things I don't, that I'm just saying I don't like them to be coy. He keeps telling me he feels me getting wet whenever he touches me back there (sorry if this is TMI) so I must like it.
> 
> ...


Honestly ditch this guy. It is obvious it is all about him and not you.

Are you ok with him filming you? Are you concerned he is sharing those videos? What happens if you break up, he will still have those videos? Why are you doing anal if you don't enjoy it? Honestly, everything you write about him, the way he treats you just sound s demeaning/degrading, and he would probably be better off just dating someone in porn (or stick with his hand and maybe a fleshlight).


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

I've put up with it because of the chemistry between us. Honesty it feels like a drug addiction. I've never felt this way.

I am agreeing to anal to pleasure him. It seems like every guy today wants it. Other guys I've seen have tried to convince me to do it too. When I was in my 20's I could never imagine anyone asking for it. 

I really don't think he'd share any of these videos, and even if he did you cant see my face. They do make me feel a bit self conscious however.

I need to end this. He will want to know why, and honestly it's been a very long time since I've broken up with someone, I don't even know how!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> lynn, there is a REASON he's 47 and never married.
> 
> This early in the relationship and he's got porn things going on? You already know it's not your thing and he's not going to change his ways. This is the tip of the iceberg you're seeing.
> 
> ...


my guess is a 'man boy'.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Lynn508 said:


> I really don't think he'd share any of these videos, and even if he did you cant see my face. They do make me feel a bit self conscious however.


Just be careful, this could be him next ...


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lynn508 said:


> He hasn't put on the porn since we fought about it. I've seen no difference in how long he takes to finish with or without it. However he will now film me going down on him with his cell phone almost every time. I guess taking video during sex is something that turns some people on?
> 
> I've let him in through the back door 3 times. He does go slowly and asks periodically if it hurts. It doesn't hurt but it's certainly not pleasurable. He seems to want to believe I enjoy things I don't, that I'm just saying I don't like them to be coy. He keeps telling me he feels me getting wet whenever he touches me back there (sorry if this is TMI) so I must like it.


I feel like I need to take a shower after reading this. This dude is a fvcking creeper. I'd check out some popular porn sites, pornhub or redtube perhaps? Fairly certain most of your crotch vids have been uploaded there already and viewed by plenty of sickos just like him. Has he asked to give you a facial yet?


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

BetrayedDad said:


> I feel like I need to take a shower after reading this. This dude is a fvcking creeper. I'd check out some popular porn sites, pornhub or redtube perhaps? Fairly certain most of your crotch vids have been uploaded there already and viewed by plenty of sickos just like him. Has he asked to give you a facial yet?


I think I found something worse. I googled his profile name from OKC and found a site with evidence from 2012 he has seen escorts. I know it's a few years ago and he was single. but paying for sex? Is this what single guys do? Wow I am out of the loop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Lynn508 said:


> I think I found something worse. I googled his profile name from OKC and found a site with evidence from 2012 he has seen escorts. I know it's a few years ago and he was single. but paying for sex? Is this what single guys do? Wow I am out of the loop.


Tip of the iceberg my friend... KEEP DIGGING. You're not out of the loop, he's just disgusting and he's trying to make his behavior seem normal.

And RUN don't walk to the doctor and get a full battery of STD tests done.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like he's alternately exciting/thrilling you and disgusting you. He's expecting you to push past your boundaries and this naturally makes you uncomfortable.

I would take it from the men here that the reason he takes long to finish is because he's busy spending more time wanking off everyday than he does at his real job. The porn is part and parcel of this. He's an unmarried, middle-aged man who has designed a sex life that consists of his hand and eyes. No real live woman need apply.

I think that you will shake your head when you look back on this and wonder why you ever entertained the notion of continuing a relationship with him. If he wants a real woman in his life, he needs to seek help for the lifestyle he has created for himself.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he needs porn playing while having sex with you that means he's turned on most by porn. That's what he prefers. You're basically a convenient "receptacle". He will continue to tell you he's turned on by you but that's not what his actions say. So don't be surprised if that discussion continues another day in the future. Why do you even want to be with him?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Dude has serious intimacy issues, and is likely a sex addict. 

I think there was a sex in the city episode where miranda dated this guy. Haha.... Not funny for you but seriously this is NOT healthy. 

Dump him and get an STD panel......PRONTO!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Lynn508 said:


> He hasn't put on the porn since we fought about it. I've seen no difference in how long he takes to finish with or without it. However he will now film me going down on him with his cell phone almost every time. I guess taking video during sex is something that turns some people on?
> 
> I've let him in through the back door 3 times. He does go slowly and asks periodically if it hurts. It doesn't hurt but it's certainly not pleasurable. He seems to want to believe I enjoy things I don't, that I'm just saying I don't like them to be coy. He keeps telling me he feels me getting wet whenever he touches me back there (sorry if this is TMI) so I must like it.
> 
> ...


You are nothing but a toy to him. This is about what he can do with you and not about a love connection with you. Find your way out of this.


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## Lynn508 (Feb 16, 2016)

I scheduled an std test. Not taking any chances. I haven't spoken with him yet but have been practicing what I'll say to him. @intheory thanks for all the helpful info. Anal sex just isn't for me. This all has been a big eye opener and Im so grateful to have a place to go to to discuss these things. everytime I think about it I start crying, like somehow I've lost my sense of judgment. And the idea that there is more of this out there. I think someone should write a book about dating in your 40's.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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