# Marriage is not easy



## The Knight (May 24, 2008)

Well, it is probably far too early for me, the new guy, to be spilling my guts but I don't know where else to turn. 

My problem is simple..I have had enough. 

Weekends are usually worse than weekdays because my wife and I have so much time together. Today was no different. It is so difficult for me to live with a woman who always spreads so much negativity and misery. She nags, she takes me for granted, and she is not affectionate at all. The only time that she shows any love for me at all is when she thinks that she is in trouble because I have become fed up with her.

Today I have not stopped working from the moment I woke up until now. I have minded the children, I have taken both cars out for oil changes, I have set up playdates, I have work constantly and she has given me a hard time throughout the entire day.

I have taken many steps to try and work on this marriage. For example, she hates when I sleep on the couch...it makes her feel rejected. We have actually gotten into serious fights because I like to sleep on the couch. And even though I find it comfortable, even though I get a better nights sleep, even though I have tried to convince her that it is not a rejection, I have made the sacrifice. I even went for an entire sleepless night just so I could get used to sleeping on the bed for her. 

She doesn't seem to care. No thank you. No words of concern that I was exhausted the next day. Nothing. She is always miserable.

I try to do romantic things for her occassionally. One time I wrote a short love letter and mailed it to our house so that she would be surprised one day.

There is plenty that I am at fault for. It is not just her. I am impatient. I am slow to forgive. I have not been understanding of her upbringing and the fact that these traits are deeply embedded in her personality and are difficult to shed just because it would be convenient for me. I have been critical of myself just about every day of my marriage, wondering just what it is about myself that I could change. How could I communicate better, I ask myself? What things should I let go that I am making too much of a big deal of?

It is so frustrating that I feel like I am always worrying about my wife. Some people on this forum talk about going on strike in marriage. Is this a good idea? I am considering it. If I spend a couple of nights in a hotel would that make a statement? Would it do more harm than good? 

Please pray for me. I would greatly appreciate it.

-greg


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## favetrick (May 22, 2008)

Greg,

I read your post and it was like a flash back to my marriage. I too took my husband for granted. Now we have been apart a month and there is a lot of hurt, however I am making a change for the better. Even when he says too little too late i know that actions speak louder than words. Try talking to your wife, she might be acting out of needing someone to talk too.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

A few things that might help. 

Communication ~ look at the way the two of you communicate and see if there is a better more effective way to do it.

Strike ~ Going on strike is a make it or break it type of thing and can bite you in the butt. If you feel your marriage is on the ropes then okay but if you can save it any other way try that first.

Counciling ~ Sometimes it helps to hear another person say all of the wrongs in the marriage.

Hobbies ~ I know for me and the wife if we spent all of our time together we'd drive each other nuts. Instead we have quality time not quantity. We each have seperate hobbies from each other that we enjoy.

draconis


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## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

Communication and probably counseling will help you. I think the problem is that probably you two are talking in different languages, and there is not real understanding between you. Wish you the best.


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## The Knight (May 24, 2008)

Things have gotten a little worse in the last 24 hours. Probably because of my tendency to hold a grudge. It is so hard for me to let this go because I know it is going to happen again and again and again. The only thing I don't know is when. If I knew when then at least I could be on my guard so that my anger is not triggered so easily.

We are talking a little and I am bringing up all kinds of things from the past (i know that I shouldn't do that). The fact that she has depression and stopped her therapy and medication. The fact that her depression affects the entire family and not just her. I started to call her selfish. 

Of course all of this made things horribly worse. She began to isolate and we were only further apart.

I am deeply ashamed of myself because I insulted her in front of the children by calling her a "dummy". I just wanted her to feel as hurt as I was. It worked but, of course, I do not feel any better. 

I am sure that this will pass. One of us just has to have the courage to stop this cycle of resentment and hate. It is probably going to have to be me again. I am so tired. Therapy is probably the best route because none of my own solutions ever work.

-greg


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Take ten ~ Next time you are arguing and it starts to escalate then take a ten minute break to calm down and clear your head. It really helps.

draconis


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

Oh Greg, I do feel so bad for you. It is so tempting to bite back, and I am very guilty of doing the same. The pleasure you get at that moment is almost immedaitely overshadowed by knowing hte pain you've caused though.

I would suggest counselling for you both. I know it sounds trite and the answer to everything, but spelling things out in front of a counseller might force the pair of you to communicate differently, even if it's just for the time you're in the office.


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## The Knight (May 24, 2008)

The worst seems to be over. She threw a gigantic temper tantrum and pounded her fists at the wall. She threw something at me (i think it was a toothbrush). She was mad at me for dragging this grudge out through the entire weekend and she yelled that she was not that bad of a person. I did not know the right way to respond to this display so I hugged her. That seemed to break the tension between us.

Thank you all for your support during this difficult spell. It helped me a great deal to have people to talk to.

I do think that I am going to make an earnest attempt to get some therapy lined up for us. I'm not sure if we should be seing marital therapy for both of us or psychotherapy for her depression. The answers will come I suppose.

Thanks again. Maybe now I can get back to reading your posts and providing my own insights into your experiences.

God bless


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## iheartmywife (May 23, 2008)

my friend take it from me. you need to sleep in the same bed with your wife. if the bed is the problem. throw it out and get a new one. to put myself in your wifes shoes i would be hurt if you would rather sleep on a couch than with me. when both of you have free time take her to sears or something and test out beds. dont just go get something that only makes you feel good. trust me a lil money spent on something as trivial as that will do wonders.


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