# Wed this year



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

This year was supposed to be the happiest year of my life and for those who I am blessed to be around with but from cloud 9 to hell 6 when I found out my wife was having an affair 7 weeks after we got married. I'm a strong believer that when vows are exchanged they are morally bound but to my wife the vows and commitment to the marriage is meaningless.

8 months have passed while we tried to work on our marriage by seeking counselling and I sought my own counselling for my own needs. During the counselling, she continued her affair whilst we tried to work on our marriage and this was the final straw that the lies will not stop.

We are filing for an annulment and that can take up to around 4 to 5 months and I hope to see a happy outcome when we are legally separated but I'm finding it difficult to cope in the "abyss" whilst we are working on the annulment. I am angry that I have a "view" that she is having fun and getting on with her life whilst I'm still feeling hurt. I don't want to switch my feelings off because I don't want to deny my emotions but these are all very new feelings. I seldom to talk to my friends and family because I don't want them to worry, but more so there is only so much they can understand. 

I want to carry on with my life, I had been planning to start a new business for the last 18 months, business mind says don't stop as I have put in so much hard work to get things set up but I'm cautious that I don't want the business to get affect by my negative emotions... :scratchhead:

Should I stay in the "abyss" until we are legally separated or should I continue with my ambitious plans with my new business?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who was she cheating with ?

Does her family know ?


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Who was she cheating with ?
> 
> Does her family know ?


We ran a weekend tennis club and he was a member of our club, they used to be friends many years ago before we even dated but there was no history between them. The affair was quoted by her to have started just after the wedding but that was lies and the affair started before the wedding in my opinion and in hindsight.

Both sets of family were the first to know. All my friends know and pockets of her friends know but she knows no shame since she has continued the affair despite being caught the first time around. I know she is not the one for me, even though it pains me to say it, but we can't build a future based on lies and lies.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

That is a good question let me ask you this...can you create a new business with the mind set you are currently in, starting a business is never easy to begin with but to do so under the stress of what your going under i would think even harder, but what i would suggest is to continue to focus on your new business but doing more research or working on the business plan...i know this is hard to do at this time, but consider yourself lucky that you found out now, when separation of goods is easier, and you have no children to contend with....it sucks i get it but your idea, or business is your own...what she owns is her shame...her guilt and that she will have to deal with forever.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is the guy married ? What does he do ? Did you confront him ? 

Your wife is probably a sociopath..

As difficult as it might be right now, imagine wasting more years of your life on this sham of a marriage.. or having to interact with for the rest of your life because of kids...

How long were you with her before the marriage ?

Are you protected financially ?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RogerLove said:


> T I seldom to talk to my friends and family because I don't want them to worry, but more so there is only so much they can understand.


There's the problem - that's what family and friends are FOR, Roger. Tell them what's going on with you. Lean on them.


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

For the last 8 months I have continued to work on the business plan and I have been extra cautious with more man hours with lawyers to read over the business contracts to not overlook things and I will need to make a decision to go yay or nay by the end of the year. I can push the deadline back as it's my own business but I will need to spend extra to get back to where we are now in 6 months time. I think your question is a good one Xenote and I something I don't want to ignore! My honest answer is I don't know, business wise yes I am ready, emotionally, probably more scared than not ready....

Warlock, he's single and has been for many years, he used to fancy one of my friends and he pursued her for 3 years before he got the hint that she's really not into him. I knew he liked my wife, I can tell from body language and his constant attention. I confronted my then fiancee and she said they are just friends and I believed her... 

We were together for 2 years and a bit years before we got married, and although that might seems short, to us it felt right, we both wanted the same things, madly in love with each other and the wedding was our big symbol of this love - obviously not in hindsight... 

We have a shared house and another joint business which we will need to split with the lawyers. It can potentially gets a bit messy but amicable is my approach. All I want is a clean split so we can go on to our own separate lives, I gave her a second chance and she blew it with her continued affair. 

She's definitely got issues which she needs to see a counsellor about, she can't carry on lying because it hurts people. But she's too selfish to see that and too stubborn to hear it from anyone else...


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Make sure when you start the business that she has ZERO claim on it. TALK TO A LAWYER TO MAKE SURE!


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

turnera said:


> There's the problem - that's what family and friends are FOR, Roger. Tell them what's going on with you. Lean on them.


I'm very blessed to have a strong support network around me and in my darkest, first few months of finding out the affair I did lean on them and told them everything face to face. I've not opened up to them as much in recent months, I'm not sure why, maybe I'm trying to put a brave face on, which is probably why I'm on the forum instead of being on the phone or at a cafe with one of friends...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK, I'd feel bad if I found out my friend or brother was in such a state and wasn't reaching out to me...


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does your wife work ?

What were her reasons for the affair ?


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Make sure when you start the business that she has ZERO claim on it. TALK TO A LAWYER TO MAKE SURE!


My lawyers have reassured me that she will have no claims over the business but the law can be interpreted in so many different ways, because on the other hand it can be considered a matrimonial asset. This is an additional piece of information I have to consider is how reliable is my lawyers advise....


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

I hope this comes across in the best positive way Turnera, but how friends feel about bad about me not reaching out to them is probably not my priority at the moment.... my friends are very protective of me and if I show them how dark I feel at the moment, they will search for my wife and have some very stern words and for things to kick off is not what I need right now...

The affair arose from us having problems with organising the wedding and trivial bickering such as household chores and spending time together or lack of... I appreciate that arguments aren't the healthiest way to communicate but I also appreciate that arguments do exist in relationships and we need to learn to deal with them and find a solution. Unfortunately her solution to our problems was to run away from them. We have all asked her why she cheated and her response was it got too much... it doesn't really give much details... even the counsellor couldn't get her to open up to the problems... 

I would love to fill you in on all the details but the conclusion for the way forward is to split and move on and do what's right for me... I'm just a bit lost in how to do that... I'm single but technically married... it's a weird situation to be in... I still wear the wedding ring...


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you still have the wedding ring on ? What do you mean by it ?


----------



## Nathan77 (Dec 3, 2013)

RogerLove said:


> This year was supposed to be the happiest year of my life and for those who I am blessed to be around with but from cloud 9 to hell 6 when I found out my wife was having an affair 7 weeks after we got married. I'm a strong believer that when vows are exchanged they are morally bound but to my wife the vows and commitment to the marriage is meaningless.
> 
> 8 months have passed while we tried to work on our marriage by seeking counselling and I sought my own counselling for my own needs. During the counselling, she continued her affair whilst we tried to work on our marriage and this was the final straw that the lies will not stop.
> 
> ...


In my opinion, I would go with the plans on the new business. Reason being, I would want to shift my mind focus to something that is more worthy to give attention of (at the time being). At the very least, I would still have a business that I am glad and happy about. 
Continuing in an 'abyss' period for too long, would not get to gain me anything. She would still be happy...and me...miserable? Probably you could go for a quick get away to ease off your mind and enjoy the company of friends and family, meet new people, explore new places and extend your horizons.
This would benefit you more on the short and long term. After which, you can start focusing on your new business and start 'living' again. 
Like I said, it's just my opinion!


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Why do you still have the wedding ring on ? What do you mean by it ?


My heart is still finding it hard to let go, I still love her but that's not enough to make a relationship and my head knows that it needs trust and commitment to make a relationship work. As much as my heart wants that person to be my wife that is simply not the case. I'm a very head strong person when I want to be but that doesn't stop my heart feeling what I feel...


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Try to get the engagement ring back and sell it along with your wedding ring. Annulment full speed ahead.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Maybe it's time to let your brain take over your life for a while instead of your heart...


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

Thanks Nathan, most days I feel the way you have described it and to have something new to focus on which will be mine and to put heart and soul into trying to make into a success is a fantastic challenge.... the drawbacks, which I can't ignore is starting a business is very stressful and doesn't guarantee success, I would kick myself very hard if the business went down the pan because I wasn't in the right frame of mind but also if the business is considered matrimonial asset then all my hard work will need to be split 50% and that would pi$$ me right off that she's gaining from my hard work!


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

We probably will sell the rings at some point Syhoy, with the annulment at full speed it's still about 4 to 5 months away, it's a long time to feel adrift from being about to stand on my own two feet properly...

My heart is too hurt to be relied on at the moment Turnera so you're right and hence I'm considering the business, but scared I might make a mistake which could be costly... I feel I've already made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying the wrong person.... I want to learn from my mistakes and not plunge into making more mistakes...


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I hope that you got tested for STD's.

Your wife is a real piece of work. Why would she get married when she was continuing the affair before and up to the marriage? Sorry but she really has a screw loose big time. This is one of the worst cases of cheating that I have ever read. Good grief. Didn't she feel the least bit guilty being with him and then hoping in bed with you during your honeymoon period? 

This is more than having issues. This is a person with a severe broken moral compass who is simply amoral. You sound like a really good guy who has his head together. I can't imagine the response of her parents. They must feel so embarrassed and ashamed of their daughter.


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

Fortunately I had a full health screen prior to our wedding for work purposes and it was all clear. We've not been intimate since then due to various reasons, which in hindsight, she didn't want to be intimate with me because she was getting it elsewhere!

We didn't go on our honeymoon and I heard rumours that she took him instead. It's all compounded to my decision to call it a day when all the evidence was gathered that she was still having an affair whilst we were having our counselling. To which she did not deny and gives me relief that I am making the most "logical" decision. She feels no remorse and no guilt and all her mum could say was I hope you both can work things out... My wife doesn't surround herself with the best of friends and family seems to be disjointed but regardless of that, I thought she was a blossom apple in the basket.... more the fool me...


----------



## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

RogerLove said:


> * 8 months have passed while we tried to work on our marriage by seeking counselling and I sought my own counselling for my own needs. During the counselling, she continued her affair whilst we tried to work on our marriage and this was the final straw that the lies will not stop.
> 
> ** We are filing for an annulment and that can take up to around 4 to 5 months and I hope to see a happy outcome when we are legally separated but I'm finding it difficult to cope in the "abyss" whilst we are working on the annulment. I am angry that I have a "view" that she is having fun and getting on with her life whilst I'm still feeling hurt.
> Should I stay in the "abyss" until we are legally separated or should I continue with my ambitious plans with my new business?


* This is a total game-changer, IMO. No way back from this.

** Where do each of you live now? And is she still seeing her OM?


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

IMO wait until the divorce is final and there can be no claims on it. Why take that chance if all your hard work would have to be divided.

I was self employed and married. When my wife and I divorced, she got a court injunction so I couldn't use any of my equipment and wanted me to pay her half. How can I do that if I can't use my equipment to earn the money to pay her. She wanted me to sell it and I refused. Damn near ran me out of business.

I finally was able to get into court and explain that I cant pay anything unless I can use the tools of my trade to make money and pay her half. 

Now what happened was that I worked for a contractor that was a good guy and a could always count on me to be there when he called so one day he called my wife and asked her to come to his office. When she got there he handed her a check to cover her half and an paper to sign that she was paid in full and no other claims could be made. She talked to her attorney and they agreed to it and after she signed it he told her that it's one thing to claim half, it's another thing to have to work for it and told her she got her money and now as far as he was concerned, she could choke on it.

I paid him back by deducting part of my bills I sent him. It was a really tough time for me since I invested ten years in building my company up and put a lot of hard work and sweat into it. 

I hope you'll wait until your free and clear before you put your plan in motion but don't scrap your dream. Once your divorced and working to get you business off the ground, you'll need to put everything into it to get up and running. It will take your mind off her and if you work hard enough will pay off. Good luck


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> My heart is still finding it hard to let go, I still love her but that's not enough to make a relationship and my head knows that it needs trust and commitment to make a relationship work. As much as my heart wants that person to be my wife that is simply not the case. I'm a very head strong person when I want to be but that doesn't stop my heart feeling what I feel...


Dear RogerLove,

Let me be blunt with you.

You are a man. Men are made to deal with adversity. Your ancestors went through a lot worse than you have and they survived. You will, too.

Stop sounding and acting like a a girl. You've got testicles. Use them. Start doing fun things. Start meeting new women. Start acting like a man.

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it. You would be surprised how soon you will be old (like me). Don't waste any more of your life pining after a woman who clearly doesn't deserve you.

Good luck.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would take the ring off! You most likely will never get the real story from her. Start to detach only talk about things you have to, the business, bills, divorce. 

If you have to stay in the same house, and I would not. Do not sleep in the same bed, eat meals together, It is time to detach. Start living your life as a single man. You do not have to be an a$$ to her but I would not tell her what you are doing or planning. She is no longer part of your future.


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

Thanks for your comments Dave, I totally agree that there's no come back from that, fortunately we're both living separately so I've not spoken or seen her for a couple of months now. It's hard as I miss her a lot but my head tells me me not to contact her and stay strong until the marriage has been annulled. Then we can live our lives to the max, whether or not she's still seeing him in not my concern any more, she can choke on his c0ck and die! (sorry, that's my anger coming out)

6301, I'm sorry to hear your pain but it sounds like you're in a much better place now, the split in the business is a worry of mine and spending a few thousands more in 6 months to get back to speed is better than splitting half the whole business! Although my lawyers have said she has no claim on it, the law can be quite cruel sometimes....

Maybe I should do some charity/volunteering work in my spare time until this all blows over...


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

Carmen, appreciate your view on how a man should act and deal with the situation but you are also probably aware that everyone is different and this is my way of trying to deal with it... I have no doubts that the separation will happen as the situation has reached the point of no return, it's the next 4 to 5 months which is casting the shadow over the skies....

Mahike, fortunately, we don't live together anymore and we have separate friends which means our paths don't cross very often. It certainly makes it easier to stay strong to see out the annulment. I don't feel quite ready to take the ring off yet... but I know I will have to do it one day, it will either be the day the annulment has been passed or sooner... I guess I will only know when the time arrives...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RogerLove said:


> Thanks Nathan, most days I feel the way you have described it and to have something new to focus on which will be mine and to put heart and soul into trying to make into a success is a fantastic challenge.... the drawbacks, which I can't ignore is starting a business is very stressful and doesn't guarantee success, I would kick myself very hard if the business went down the pan because I wasn't in the right frame of mind but also if the business is considered matrimonial asset then all my hard work will need to be split 50% and that would pi$$ me right off that she's gaining from my hard work!


Well, the good thing is that you'll be single so you can dive head first into getting your company going and giving it 80-100 hours a week!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tip for future relationships: If you're not intimate and you just got married, something's wrong.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Big Brothers always needs more men...


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

turnera said:


> IDK, I'd feel bad if I found out my friend or brother was in such a state and wasn't reaching out to me...


It is different with men. We are emotional zombies. All his buddies would do is fidget nervously and then go turn on a football game.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

RogerLove said:


> Fortunately I had a full health screen prior to our wedding for work purposes and it was all clear. We've not been intimate since then due to various reasons, which in hindsight, she didn't want to be intimate with me because she was getting it elsewhere!
> 
> We didn't go on our honeymoon and I heard rumours that she took him instead. It's all compounded to my decision to call it a day when all the evidence was gathered that she was still having an affair whilst we were having our counselling. To which she did not deny and gives me relief that I am making the most "logical" decision. She feels no remorse and no guilt and all her mum could say was I hope you both can work things out... My wife doesn't surround herself with the best of friends and family seems to be disjointed but regardless of that, I thought she was a blossom apple in the basket.... more the fool me...


What the fvck is it with these British chicks anyway? Does marital fidelity and love mean anything to them? 

If TAM has done anything it has really cast a bad light on British women in general. I know I'm painting with broad strokes here, but WTF?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

LostViking said:


> What the fvck is it with these British chicks anyway? Does marital fidelity and love mean anything to them?
> 
> If TAM has done anything it has really cast a bad light on British women in general. I know I'm painting with broad strokes here, but WTF?


QFT. wonder what TAM traffic rate is overall vs how many end up in CWI.

Some of our late big threads.

unkn0wn. How IS he doing at BTW
davecarter
whyeme
The guy with the number at the end who disappeared

who else... UK'ers I am not all that well versed on UK law.


----------



## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Seems like you were tricked into this unholy matrimony.

I'm glad you're planning to move full force ahead. Life is too short to cry after some shameless betch, you'll find. I hope.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just curious, did she get a big fancy wedding?


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

You're right Turnera, that's why when I started to dive into the problem after the wedding, the worms came out of the can, I never thought in a million years that she would still want to marry me knowing that she was already cheating on me! If I had known sooner I would have called off the wedding.... the wedding was perfect, close friends and family, lots of entertainment and open bar... but more importantly I was marrying the woman I love... 

Lostviking, I'm quite fortunate that my friends are very mixed and most of my close friends are girls which is why they want to rip her head off... I've got quite a large group of friends and most of them are married and are still together. The stats on the web say 80% end on divorce, well my stats is 1% as I'm the only one to have been cheated on by my wife...

I don't want to lose faith in love and meeting the right one but how so wrong I got this one, it's put me on tilt....


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> We didn't go on our honeymoon and I heard rumours that she took him instead.


Why didn't you go on your honeymoon? You didn't find out about the affair until after the wedding.

She went away on vacation immediately following your wedding, and you aren't even sure who she was with?


----------



## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

In the years to come I think you will look back and see how lucky you were to get out of this marriage financially unscathed. 

Next time you marry get a prenup. I did, I opened 3 restaurants before I was 30 years old. I got married with a prenup at 32. I am now 43, and have a very profitable company. I have 4 children and I am still married. If I were to divorce, without the prenup she would get half plus child support. I see it all the time.

Ask your wife to sign a document now that she forgoes any interest in your start up business. It is the least she can do. She will probably view it as something that has zero value at the moment and won't think twice.

I would launch the business now if you can get the document signed. You need to dive into something. You will interact with new people and meet other women with this new venture. I remember the 18 months before starting my business. It was tough. Too much idle time is not good for most people.

Also, I know you are hurt but please take that ring off! You are disrespecting yourself by keeping it on. I would have yanked that off my finger on DDAY and found something creative to do with it!


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I don't understand how you heard she took him on vacation that should have been your honeymoon? 

Also I agree with turnera if you ain't getting any action right after getting married. Something is seriously wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

There was a gap between the wedding and the honeymoon and I found out about the affair a few days before we were supposed to fly out and I didn't feel ready to go on a honeymoon when I was so angry....

I only found out a few weeks ago from other friends that she took him as my replacement, to date she has insisted she went alone but if I was to try and track her every move I would go insane! That's not healthy and marriage shouldn't be like that...

We have a prenup in place but in the UK it's only considered as a factor and not determined so in short it's not worth the paper it's written on if the judge deems it's not relevant. It's probably different in the US but family law in the UK is very different.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> if I was to try and track her every move I would go insane! That's not healthy and marriage shouldn't be like that...


Well if you think about it a healthy marriage only has room for 2 people.


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Well if you think about it a healthy marriage only has room for 2 people.


Not just a marriage but a relationship should only be between two people. I just don't understand why, she's been cheated on by her ex and it hurt her, surely by the same hurt you wouldn't want to inflict that sort of pain to other people... 

In 4 to 5 months time that's not going to be my problem anymore... I hope I can take the positives from the experience... but in it's darkness it's hard to see the positives...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In the meantime, read the book Getting The Love You Want. It teaches you how you pick (dysfunctional) people and how to stop doing it.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who paid for the wedding/honeymoon?


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

Thanks, I'll have a look at the book later. I definitely need to a better screening process in future!

The costs were all 50/50... I believe in equality and we do things 50/50 and that includes the finances...


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> Thanks, I'll have a look at the book later. I definitely need to a better screening process in future!
> 
> The costs were all 50/50... I believe in equality and we do things 50/50 and that includes the finances...


So you think it's right that you paid 50% of your WW's and the OM's vacation?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> So you think it's right that you paid 50% of your WW's and the OM's vacation?


If I read it correctly he paid anywhere from nothing to 25% of the total.

1- They split everything 50/50.

2- He thought she was going alone.

So either he paid her half of her share of the total (and other man paid his half) which is about 25%, unless she said "The hotel room is what it is regardless of how many people go, or he said "I'm not going, therefore your half is your responsibility" and he paid nothing.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

lenzi said:


> If I read it correctly he paid 25% of the total.


How do you figure? He and his WW split the cost of the _honeymoon-cum-vacation-with-OM_ 50/50 so that means he paid 50% of her vacation with the OM.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> How do you figure? He and his WW split the cost of the _honeymoon-cum-vacation-with-OM_ 50/50 so that means he paid 50% of her vacation with the OM.


I edited my post above to explain my reasoning.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I edited my post above to explain my reasoning.


Maybe you're right, maybe I am. Who cares. The important question is, what kind of guy willingly pays even a part of his WW's vacation with the OM?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Maybe you're right, maybe I am. Who cares. The important question is, what kind of guy willingly pays even a part of his WW's vacation with the OM?


I took it to mean that he didn't know about the affair when she left on the trip supposedly by herself.

Then again, she left supposedly by herself BECAUSE the affair was discovered.

So yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Roger why did you pay for some of your wife's trip after the affair was discovered?

You may have agreed to split expenses 50/50 but she also agreed not to screw another guy.


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

The wedding and honeymoon was all paid for earlier in the year and you raised a good point that I shouldn't have paid for the honeymoon and I'm going to be recouping the cost I paid out for the honeymoon when we work out our finances...


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I doubt you could get the money back from your wife since you made a choice not to go.

It would be nice to drag the OM in to court and sue him for the money.


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> The wedding and honeymoon was all paid for earlier in the year and you raised a good point that I shouldn't have paid for the honeymoon and I'm going to be recouping the cost I paid out for the honeymoon when we work out our finances...


You'd like to recoup your costs. Doesn't mean it's going to happen.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> I hope this comes across in the best positive way Turnera, but how friends feel about bad about me not reaching out to them is probably not my priority at the moment.... my friends are very protective of me and if I show them how dark I feel at the moment, they will search for my wife and have some very stern words and for things to kick off is not what I need right now...
> 
> The affair arose from us having problems with organising the wedding and trivial bickering such as household chores and spending time together or lack of... I appreciate that arguments aren't the healthiest way to communicate but I also appreciate that arguments do exist in relationships and we need to learn to deal with them and find a solution. Unfortunately her solution to our problems was to run away from them. We have all asked her why she cheated and her response was it got too much... it doesn't really give much details... even the counsellor couldn't get her to open up to the problems...
> 
> I would love to fill you in on all the details but the conclusion for the way forward is to split and move on and do what's right for me... I'm just a bit lost in how to do that... I'm single but technically married... it's a weird situation to be in... I still wear the wedding ring...


OK. Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Get some stuff to do a smudging ceremony take the ring off, smudge it to purify it. Then put it in a drawer. Don't wear it again.

Your wife cheated because she wanted to.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way, which country are you in?


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> Not just a marriage but a relationship should only be between two people.* I just don't understand why, she's been cheated on by her ex and it hurt her, surely by the same hurt you wouldn't want to inflict that sort of pain to other people... *
> 
> In 4 to 5 months time that's not going to be my problem anymore... I hope I can take the positives from the experience... but in it's darkness it's hard to see the positives...


Roger
We have seen the battered person turn into the wayward person a few times on TAM.

Your situation is sad. Your wife probably did take the loser on your honeymoon.

I think you have handled the situation well. Stay no contact with her and get the annulment.

Be glad you did not have children with her.

Goodluck on your future business and replacing your Ex. It wont be too hard replacing her.

HM


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

You're exactly right in that I can only try and recoup the money, to be honest the cost of the honeymoon is not on the forefront of my mind, I can earn the couple of thousand back in due course...

Matt, I'm in the UK as well, and thank you for your support. Taking off the ring is something I'm going to have to do in my own time and at the moment it's just a bit too soon for me... I have to take each step which I'm comfortable with... I guess logic can only take me so far and the ring is for me and not anyone else to define... but I will take it off one day...

HM, thank you for your support as well. In fact the support that everyone has shown has been really great and it saddens me that others have been through this in other parts of the world... some will say this is normal and an experience we have to go through but if I had the choice I would have hoped I found the right wife the first time around. I've been through the dark questions before and won't bore you all with the details.... 

Just want to say a massive thank you to you all...


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

RogerLove said:


> I hope this comes across in the best positive way Turnera, but how friends feel about bad about me not reaching out to them is probably not my priority at the moment.... my friends are very protective of me and if I show them how dark I feel at the moment, they will search for my wife and have some very stern words and for things to kick off is not what I need right now...
> 
> The affair arose from us having problems with organising the wedding and trivial bickering such as household chores and spending time together or lack of... I appreciate that arguments aren't the healthiest way to communicate but I also appreciate that arguments do exist in relationships and we need to learn to deal with them and find a solution. Unfortunately her solution to our problems was to run away from them. We have all asked her why she cheated and her response was it got too much... it doesn't really give much details... even the counsellor couldn't get her to open up to the problems...
> 
> I would love to fill you in on all the details but the conclusion for the way forward is to split and move on and do what's right for me... I'm just a bit lost in how to do that... I'm single but technically married... it's a weird situation to be in... I still wear the wedding ring...


OP:

It's good you are splitting with her, obviously. I hope you're not being too nice to her in the interim. The only emotion you should be feeling toward her is contempt.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

```

```



LostViking said:


> What the fvck is it with these British chicks anyway? Does marital fidelity and love mean anything to them?
> 
> If TAM has done anything it has really cast a bad light on British women in general. I know I'm painting with broad strokes here, but WTF?


I don't see any pushback on Viking's point on British women. Sorry but if no one speaks up I'll have to take it as tacit admission he has hit on something.....


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I like the Brits by the way. Not as much as the Scots, but the Brits are good people. I lived in Glasgow for two years and went to London often. 

It just seems like most of the British posters on TAM are men, and they are all the victims of some seriously, SERIOUSLY, sociopathic WWs. Must be all that tea.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> I like the Brits by the way. Not as much as the Scots, but the Brits are good people. I lived in Glasgow for two years and went to London often.
> 
> It just seems like most of the British posters on TAM are men, and they are all the victims of some seriously, SERIOUSLY, sociopathic WWs. Must be all that tea.


It's their laws that give females all the power.
Machievelli had a link where the husband was forced to give the wife the house and pay child support.
He fathered the first 2 children, the other 3 were fathered by another in a 14 year affair.
Why didn't the other guy pay for "his" kids.
Good God!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Here is another bad one from Canada

Dad must pay child support for 3 kids that aren't his: Court rules | Canada | News | Toronto Sun
End thread jack.


----------



## Line In The Sand (Nov 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> There's the problem - that's what family and friends are FOR, Roger. Tell them what's going on with you. Lean on them.


My family & friends have been great, you need the help & support & i'm sure you would do it for them. Trust me it makes this horrible time easier, if anything they are someone to speak to & let your frustrations out


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LostViking said:


> I like the Brits by the way. Not as much as the Scots, but the Brits are good people. I lived in Glasgow for two years and went to London often.
> 
> It just seems like most of the British posters on TAM are men, and they are all the victims of some seriously, SERIOUSLY, sociopathic WWs. Must be all that tea.


There's a British poster here who was molested by her own brother, and married a serial cheater. 

You know, just to level the playing field.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I feel for you Roger because your story is so similar to mine. I married my first wife some 21 years ago, not knowing she was cheating on me with multiple partners before and after the wedding. When I busted her I filed for annulment. My annulment only took a couple of months to finalize, but like you I kicked my XWW out and went dark on her. Never saw her or spoke to her again. 

Early this year, 20 years later, she and I hook up on FB, meet back East, and over dinner she gave me the most sincere, hearfelt apology that any BH is ever likely to get from an XWW. 
It took her 20 years and tons of therapy and working on her issues to get her head out of her azz and come to the point of true remorse and repentance. 

Now we are becoming good friends again and we correspond via e-mail almost daily. 

I would hope that, someday in the future, your STBXW will come to the same conclusion and pull herself out of the reckless and irresponsible life she is leading.  If she cannot settle for one man, she is doomed to lead a very sad and lonely life.


----------



## RogerLove (Dec 3, 2013)

After we have separated, I don't have any intentions in listening to any of her BS, regardless or whether that is in 20 years time and should be forgotten, this is too big a pill for me to just put aside.. with that in mind, I need to find a way to let the anger go so that it doesn't affect my next relationship. For me personally, I don't have any contact with any of my ex girlfriends and soon to be ex wife for respect to my next partner....

I know I would feel uncomfortable if my partner was in touch with an ex so the story swings both ways for me...

Hopefully 2014 will have a better story than 2013, it's been a massive roller coaster of emotions with extreme happiness with the wedding and the extreme sadness of the affair.... I'm exhausted just thinking about it again...


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> I don't see any pushback on Viking's point on British women. Sorry but if no one speaks up I'll have to take it as tacit admission he has hit on something.....


I was just being (deliberately) provocative. No one took the bait....damn


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

RogerLove said:


> After we have separated, I don't have any intentions in listening to any of her BS, regardless or whether that is in 20 years time and should be forgotten, this is too big a pill for me to just put aside.. with that in mind, I need to find a way to let the anger go so that it doesn't affect my next relationship. For me personally, I don't have any contact with any of my ex girlfriends and soon to be ex wife for respect to my next partner....
> 
> I know I would feel uncomfortable if my partner was in touch with an ex so the story swings both ways for me...
> 
> Hopefully 2014 will have a better story than 2013, it's been a massive roller coaster of emotions with extreme happiness with the wedding and the extreme sadness of the affair.... I'm exhausted just thinking about it again...



yeah..... put in consideration that she might want to R. when it will take the final step for D....... in that case what will you do?


----------



## Knobbers (Sep 25, 2013)

I haven't finished reading the thread yet, but if I understand the post I just read, you never consummated the marriage?

Your quote was you had an std screening prior to marriage, and you haven't had sex since? If I'm understanding correctly, doesn't that move this forward a lot quicker?

She might have took the om on your honeymoon??? You are still wearing the ring after that?? Ugh

Best of luck, I just needed some clarification. Pardon my ignorance if I missed something.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RogerLove said:


> You're exactly right in that I can only try and recoup the money, to be honest the cost of the honeymoon is not on the forefront of my mind, I can earn the couple of thousand back in due course...
> 
> Matt, I'm in the UK as well, and thank you for your support. Taking off the ring is something I'm going to have to do in my own time and at the moment it's just a bit too soon for me... I have to take each step which I'm comfortable with... I guess logic can only take me so far and the ring is for me and not anyone else to define... but I will take it off one day...
> 
> ...


England/Wales or Scotland? Different laws for both jurisdictions. Not sure if there's much of a difference for annulments. 

You are doing well. :smthumbup:


----------

