# Is it good or bad to confront the other woman?



## Idkwtd2009Nov (Nov 8, 2009)

Is it good idea or bad idea to confront the other woman?

Part of me wants to ask her if she slept with my H. He denies it. 

Part of me knows that this might give her the opportunity to dig her nails in deeper in my H. 

We plan on working on our relationship and H says he will break off all ties. Should I leave it alone and trust him that he didn't sleep with her. 

It is a very Emotional Affair. He has very strong feelings for her but he loves me and wants to make it work. 

I think H will be upset if I do confront her.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

No. My one contact with the other guy was not pleasant, and the very first thing our marriage counsellor asked was if I wanted to hurt him.

It seemed clear to me that contact could never end well, so to reduce the risk I just didn't. And my wife needed to send a No Contact letter. It has to come from her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Yeah you really risk it turning into rolling around on the floor with clumps of each others hair in your hands.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

What's this about men picturing women fighting over them? I don't know what the OW looks like but am very curious. I think one day of going to her work place (restaurant) and have lunch or dinner with my friends. Of course, I will not confront her, I just want to see what she looks like. 

When I first told my H I want to go there, he made me promise never to step a foot into that restaurant ( & I didn't promise). He said he was afraid we'd be physically fighting each other. I'm not the violent type so I guess he meant her because when he supposing broke off with her, she got physical with him.

But if you really want to know if he slept with her and he denied it, I think I might have ask her myself. But then, you're opening a Pandora box that can never be closed again. Do you want to know? & What if she's not not telling the truth.

I truly don't know what the answer is. When I first confronted my husband, he lied through his teeth. It wasn't until I wrote him a twenty something letter telling how I felt that he finally fessed about their affair. Even then, he lied till I poked holes into his lies and got the whole story 3 weeks later or so.

This is was a very emotionally affair for both of them. He told her everything about himself, which included our kids & me.


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## Idkwtd2009Nov (Nov 8, 2009)

I know she could lie and say something happened to get me to hate my husband. I guess I wont open the pandoras box. I don't think I really want to know either. H says it didn't happen and right now I do trust him. 
I want our marriage to work.
I don't think I would physically fight the OW either. I would probably have asked her over the phone. 
Only time will heal my marriage and I want it to work and right now, so does H.
I have to remain positive that it will work out.

Thanks to all of you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If by confronting her your hope would be to find some 'truth', it probably wouldn't happen. If he has actually broken off the relationship, and she was invested in him - then odds are she isn't going to feel much like talking. You need to remember, regardless of the facts of your marriage - all she knows about you is whatever he told her and it probably wasn't flattering.

The long and short, you won't feel any better for confronting her, and if reconciliation is your goal, such an action will likely make things worse for both you and your husband, not better.


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it's up to the person to know if they should talk to the OW. Me I did call the OW to see what she would tell me and at first she said they were just friends. Yea right. I didn't believe anything she said but it made me feel better letting her know that me and hubby were going to work on our marriage and she was to stay out of it. For the first month after I found out about the EA I would send her a e-mail anytime I was mad and sent it to her. She didn't like it but it made me feel better letting her know how I felt about her and my hubby. After awhile I just stop thinking about it and the angery went away. Me and hubby are doing better now as long as her name is never said in our house. So it depends on you if you think it is right thing to do


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## BetrayedChris (Nov 24, 2009)

Hi all this is my first post.I found out all of the horrid details of my husbands affair from the other woman!it cuts like a knife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedChris (Nov 24, 2009)

Hi all this is my first post.I found out all of the horrid details of my husbands affair from the other woman!it cuts like a knife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mad as hell (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi Guys,

I am currently in a same situation and its been a year now, I forgave my H, but I cant seem to let go of the OW. evrytym m mad i send her sms's and she is just a *****, she will reply with something that will hurt me most. I dont know how to forget about her.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mad as hell, start your own thread, ok?


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## Astonefeather (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm having the biggest issue letting go of my resentment of the OW, too. My decision to leave was based solely on my husband's actions, but knowing that the OW manipulated my husband knowing what it would cost our family haunts me daily.

I counted her as a friend for a long time and went to her for advise since she knew my husband for so long. She used the concerns I shared to lead him further astray. I am woman who doesn't play games. I just don't know how to be anything other than open and honest when it comes to sharing my wants and needs. My husband chose to ignore me and give all his attention to the OW and all her "emergencies" that only he could fix. 

My husband made his choice and so I had to leave. But the fact that this pathetic wench was coaxing and encouraging his behavior and will never pay a price for her actions just infuriates me daily.


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## Astonefeather (Jan 1, 2010)

Oh, it's an old thread... lol


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## Mad as hell (Aug 23, 2012)

@ turnera, I am trying, I cant seem to find where to go to be able to create a new thread, please assist. thx


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mad as hell said:


> @ turnera, I am trying, I cant seem to find where to go to be able to create a new thread, please assist. thx


At the top of the list of threads in this forum, there is a button that says "new thread".... click on it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> I did that too. She kept chasing my H and attempting to rekindle the A after he told her to stay away. I wanted her to know that I knew what she was up to, and that I held her as responsible for their A as I did my H. She was the one who did the chasing and propositioning and she's more than 20 years younger than he is ?. I let her know that I knew every detail of the A , and that she had no secrets from me. I told her that I was repelled by her unscrupulous and unprofessional behavior, and that I was in a position to cause her a lot of professional problems if she did not stop contacting my H. We are all people with one kind of degree or another, so professional ethics were an issue. One of her degrees is in Marriage and Family Therapy, of all things. I have never been sorry that I smacked her on her cold wet nose with my newspaper.


I really like the way Oaksthorne worded this answer to your question. 

I just want to add.

If you feel the need to contact her to get closure than do so. 

You won't feel as if you can move on until you do talk to her. 

Stay calm as you speak by reminding yourself that she is a pathetic shallow person who wanted a relationship with someone she already knows cheats on his wife.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi
When i came across an old email (2008) where a woman colleague offered sexual services to my husband i confronted my husband with her name.
He acted like he never heard her name before....so i asked him again, telling him i'd seen an email where she offered him sex. He denied anything happened and he called her a stalker. Told me she worked with him briefly years ago and she had a bit of a crush on him.
He didn't know where i'd read this email, it was in an old archive of sent messages he thought was long gone....fool had passed it on to one of his work buddies, stating she was stalking him.
So i had her email address and name. He wouldn't admit anything happened, but it was quite obvious to me something had. In the end i told my H i would contact other woman and ask her. So he told me she gave him a BJ after a christmas party when he was stinking drunk. 
I emailed OW pretending to be my husband, and she replied within the hour "hello stranger" blah blah blah

To cut a long story short i confessed i was the wife and that if she didn't tell me everything that happened between the pair of them i would tell her fiance, stated his name, as i'd found it by searches online, and that i'd send him the emails she'd sent my H.
She squealed like a pig, She was petrified her fiance would find out. I believe her when she said they met straight after work in his car, stone cold sober, which he finally admitted to once backed into a corner.

I never told her fiance, i just wanted the truth and wanted to know if what my husband had told me was truth. It helped me a lot, because i can't be doing with what if's? i need facts.

They both told me same story in the end, and i even asked her to send a photo of her so i could see what she looked like, and she did. I'm glad i have seen her, she's a mess and my H knows it.
I guess this worked for me because she was in a relationship too and didn't want her fiance and children to know what she'd been up to.

Hope this helps


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

I'm all for confronting the OW. It made me feel some sense of control. I mailed her a letter and enclosed something she had made for my H. I addressed the letter to her husband - so in a sense, I killed two birds with one stone - so to speak. 
I would advise no name calling or crazy angry outbursts. I was very calm - said it had come to my attention that she was having what I considered to be an EA with my H. Basically I wrote that I found it highly inappropriate that she called, texted and phoned my H at work maniacally (he's not off the hook, I totally blame him too for not setting boundaries...) But essentially, my letter was calm, factual, i let her know I knew about her, didnt appreciate her in my life or trying to convince my H to meet up with her for a school reunion (yes, nasty Facebook and searching for old flames...) I felt very good about setting her straight - and alerting her H that she was on FB trolling for affairs. I never heard from her H, But she emailed me through my H e mail account and was very mean to me in her reply,told me never to contact her again, but that she'd hate to loose contact with my H!!! Can you believe the nerve? He forwarded me the letter and his response to her, which was, "boy, was I a jerk and you will never hear from me again." So contacting the other women could possibly result in them (the OW) revealing their "true" selves for your H to see - unlike the crafting facebook allows you or the veil that is emailing - EVERYONE looks good on Facebook, right? Good Luck to you!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I wrote an email to the OM soon after I found out about the affair. I was in a position to confront my wife without revealing what I knew. Neither one of them had any idea I knew exactly what the extent was, and who he was. I waited to send the email until I was fairly certain my wife was sincere in wanting to repair things. One of the reasons to send the email was to keep the bastard from continuing to interfere. He is married, his wife is the bread winner, he did not want to upset his situation. In that respect it worked fairly well. I got into something of a dialogue with him, as I wanted to get him to reveal his true self, I'd interuptted the affair just as it was getting rolling, so he was still all shiny and new, still her one true soulmate! I never got to the root of any of his motivations that way, but was able to relate his responses to my wife and let him devalue himself to her in ways that would not have been possible for me to do. She would not listen to me if I started to point out ways in which he was anything less than an innocent bystander who just happened to wind up in an affair, just like her, yeah right! Anyway, she did not go nc for months, though I was able to monitor the contact with their full knowledge. It was still quite damaging to me in the end, in ways I didn't even realize until quite recently. I was able to ensure that he was well aware that I knew of their communication, and that there would be consequences if there was any encouragement for a relapse.


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