# Stick out like sore thumbs.



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

My husband and I have not had the easiest time financially. He lost his job when we moved in together and could not find work for a whole year. The recession was so hard on us.
We ended up having a tiny wedding. It wasn't what I wanted, but it's what we could afford. I chose my husband over my dream wedding.
We are the only couple in his family that could not afford a real wedding and we are also the only ones who do not own a condo or house. We stick out like sore thumbs; my brother in laws wife messaged me on Facebook, saying she feels bad that we have to live in an apartment. They are currently looking for a larger home. I should point out that they live in a much cheaper part of the country.
We have decided that we are in too much debt to purchase a home. I am so disappointed. I made my own bed, marrying when we had nothing to acheive dreams with. I feel like we are the broke losers of the family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Kudos to you both for living within your means. Because of that you'll probably have a brighter future together than those who mortgage themselves to the hilt to have the "dream" home and two SUVs in the garage. There are too many people in the US finding themselves in terrible shape because they extended themselves too far. Manage your money, be realistic in what you can afford and you'll likely come out better than many. No shame what so ever in living with a realistic budget. Good luck.


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## Sucker (Jan 3, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> marrying when we had nothing to acheive dreams with.


Wasn't marrying each other THE single most important dream?
Together, you both ACHIEVED that.

May I suggest you don't compare what others have, with what you both have - "the only couple in his family that could not afford a real wedding....the only ones who do not own a condo or house.." - it only puts unnecessary pressure on you, and on your husband.

Work at clearing the debt you have, DO compare yourselves with your relations when you this...."Look how we saved, by at spending money on that!"

In th present economic climate, it seems many people who could afford to take a loan to buy a house, are renting instead - no rates, no house insurance, no repair bills. 
Probably a smart move, and one that might make your relatives envious of _you_


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

we also got hit hard. we were in the first wave of foreclosers. we felt blindsided and my husbands position at his job was being fazed out to the point where he was down to 4 hours a week. we lived an hour from his job.

we just packed up our little car, put the rest in storage, left furniture, and our stove and fridge, and drove 700 miles away with no job lined up, no apartment, and were homeless for about a month.

we finally found a one room apt., and he found work about a year ago. he had been out of a job for almost 2 years at that point.

we are better, but not where we should be. i know its hard to lose the life you had before. also while being homeless we lost our car and just about everything in it. we only took what we could carry. the kids seem to be ok with all this, and for them it was back to school, and back to sleeping in doors.

it always gets batter, you both have each other and thats worth all the money in the world. you cant put a price on togetherness. you cant buy loyality.

on a side note, have you looked into HUD houses?? sometimes you can buy a house for a dollar. the downsaide is you have 2 years to fix it up. but you can buy all the stuff from loes and home depot, and save money by fixing it yourselves.

stay strong, it will get better....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mrs.G said:


> My husband and I have not had the easiest time financially. He lost his job when we moved in together and could not find work for a whole year. The recession was so hard on us.
> We ended up having a tiny wedding. It wasn't what I wanted, but it's what we could afford. I chose my husband over my dream wedding.
> We are the only couple in his family that could not afford a real wedding and we are also the only ones who do not own a condo or house. We stick out like sore thumbs; my brother in laws wife messaged me on Facebook, saying she feels bad that we have to live in an apartment. They are currently looking for a larger home. I should point out that they live in a much cheaper part of the country.
> We have decided that we are in too much debt to purchase a home. I am so disappointed. I made my own bed, marrying when we had nothing to acheive dreams with. I feel like we are the broke losers of the family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Even though my H and I have a house, we are still on the same level with his family as you are with your H's. I had a small wedding in a chapel between both of our barracks rooms( both in the army then) that was free with just family. Very tiny. The rest of his family has all had destination weddings in the Carribean. The difference? Even his family will tell us that our wedding felt so mch more personal. And it did! Our house and cars? We paid for them, no one helped us. No one paid for us to go to college, whereas his stepdad paid for his stepsisters to go to college and paid for their cars, etc. I am using my GI Bill right now and we have paid off his student loans from when he went to college. Everything we have has been paid for with our money, and we don't owe anyone in his family anything. So look at it this way, no matter what you have someone else will always have more. As long as my H and I have each other and know how to enjoy what we do have, then we are the luckiest people in the world.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

I agree with Sucker. Don't compare yourself to anyone. Be happy with what you have and continue to reach goals that you and your husband set for yourself.

When I married my husband, we first married in the courthouse. We couldn't afford a wedding. Then 3 years later, we had a small wedding. We spent $7K and $2K of it was loan money from my sister who had more money than we did at the time. We paid it off within one year of our wedding in small chunks.

Fast forward 7 years later. My husband makes 6 figures and last year we moved into a house that was built from dirt up. Before this, we lived in a small apartment in a college neighborhood. Then we moved into a condo in the ghetto where people got shot and died drowning in the pool and did drugs. The cops came by every night. After that, we bought a small condo in a neighborhood we thought would be nice but then the homicide unit came around and cops drove through often. It scared us. We kept at our hard work and husband studied every day straight for 4 years while I worked full-time and put our kids in daycare. Now I'm a SAHM and we're doing pretty good. The neighborhood is quiet and the houses here run $400K and up. The schools is wonderful as well. We still have goals. 

My parents once told my husband to quit school and just work full-time so that we could buy a house. They didn't believe that more education would get him anywhere. I can understand that since husband and I both got our undergrad in CIS and we both couldn't find good jobs. We didn't listen to them and kept at our dream. I'm so glad.

I hope that you follow your dreams. Don't let anyone deter you.


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## mc75 (Jan 23, 2011)

We too have not bought a house, at first for financial reasons and now because we are mobile (and just moved to a location where we can probably only afford a condo.) To be honest we'll only afford the downpayment by withdrawing funds from my pension. So we live in an apartment, a lifestyle many choose.

We have been told by media etc. that getting married is somehow about buying a house. We should remind ourselves that getting married is about ... getting married to the person you love. Many people wait to buy a house - until they have kids, or until the kids start school and both parents can start to work, etc. So I would disregard what relatives say and just be happy. If you really need to, when it's spring yard work time or fall leaf-raking time, spend a leisurely weekend in the countryside, the city or doing something you enjoy, and let your relatives know how you spent your weekend when you next talk on the phone!

Not to mention the housing market will be flat for sometime - so no worries there.

Where we live I can bicycle to work, I have zero yard work, and we live within our means. A friend/realtor recently looked upon us with pity because we don't own a mortgage is a far suburb and drive to work everyday (the city I work in is expensive so most buy in nearby cities). Think maybe she wanted to sell me a house?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

All excellent advice. Thanks everyone!
The sis in law was just taking a shot at me, because she is jealous of how well I get along with our mother in law. The old woman can't stand her and now I see why. I took her off my Facebook and will be stepping back from the relationship.


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## absolutelycrazy (Jan 30, 2011)

you shouldnt feel like your stick because of your living situation. it gets embarrassing when youve lived with your inlaws for three years and your husband doesnt want to move. to top that off we also have a child. so its not just us to living here its three. It sure can make you feel really low and drop the self esteem pretty quickly! believe me I cant wait to get a place of my own with MY own stuff........ it that ever happens. as long as you are happy then thats the way it should be.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

You're healthy, you're eating, you're clothed, doesn't seem like you're in thousands of dollars of debt.

I mean sure, it's not awesome or anything to have little money to spend but if you're relatively debt free you're, in a way, rich.

I don't envy the millions of people that have a lot of stuff but are in debt up to their eyeballs, having trouble falling asleep wondering how to balance the next set of bills.

keeping up with the joneses is fruitless and it will be the last thing on your mind on your deathbed.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Mstanton said:


> You're healthy, you're eating, you're clothed, doesn't seem like you're in thousands of dollars of debt.
> 
> I mean sure, it's not awesome or anything to have little money to spend but if you're relatively debt free you're, in a way, rich.
> 
> ...


We are $50,000 in credit card debt, because it's impossible to live on EI, when you have the amount of expenses we do.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> We are $50,000 in credit card debt, because it's impossible to live on EI, when you have the amount of expenses we do.


50,000 dollars in credit card debt? My lord... 

What are your expenses?


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## ASV (Feb 6, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> My husband and I have not had the easiest time financially. He lost his job when we moved in together and could not find work for a whole year. The recession was so hard on us.
> We ended up having a tiny wedding. It wasn't what I wanted, but it's what we could afford. I chose my husband over my dream wedding.
> We are the only couple in his family that could not afford a real wedding and we are also the only ones who do not own a condo or house. We stick out like sore thumbs; my brother in laws wife messaged me on Facebook, saying she feels bad that we have to live in an apartment. They are currently looking for a larger home. I should point out that they live in a much cheaper part of the country.
> We have decided that we are in too much debt to purchase a home. I am so disappointed. I made my own bed, marrying when we had nothing to acheive dreams with. I feel like we are the broke losers of the family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You got to get your prioritys straight and not listen to the familie in these matters.

Money is important but not a means to an end.

Loving each other is priority #1.
Money to support each other is #2
Housing is #3.

A wedding is just getting a licence to breed.You don't need to satisfy an ego or your/his Family(unless they are willing to hick up the money for it).
It don't need to be elaborate and costly,what you did was OK.

IMO a big wedding is a huge waste of money for just one day of "fame"and a dress you wear only once. Money way better applied 
to what one needs, like a DP for a house..
Any one going in the hole for a wedding is a brick or two short of a load and it might well atribute to a divorce later on when the money gets tight.

You live for you ,you don't live to satisfy the family.Don't let it bother you.

The credit card debt was certainly not a smart thing to do cause that is gonna hurt you for years.
Your husband losing his job is no reason not to work for a year.
There's always a job to be had if one wants to work.

I just went to the courthouse to get married and had a small party afterwards for fam and friends.We bought each other a $100 ring and that was it,no honeymoon either(kid on the way)
I gave my newly wed wife my last $20 and lost my job the day after.I grabbed any job i could find and have never be unemployed for more than a week at a time.

My inlaws and siblings all had bigger or big weddings,and pulled their nose up for mine.
Fast forward 40 yrs.

of 4 siblings and 7 inlaws, all of them married at that time ,today only 4 are still married ,incl me,the rest are divorced long ago.(so much for the expensive weddings)

Now they don't pull up their nose no more. now they are jealous of our success.
A good marriage ,4 kids and a 1800 acre ranch free and clear.

With the right attitude and dedication one can have anything in life


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

If it makes you feel any better, my SO and I have negative money... Basically just a ton of student loans. We will probably be 45 by the time they're all paid off, and I'm actually not exaggerating... Then we'll have kids' educations to worry about!

And not owning your home is NOT necessarily a bad thing! Since the housing market fiasco, more and more financial advisers are revisiting the value of renting. There are rent versus buy calculators out there that might make you feel better about your situation. I was dead set on buying a house as soon as possible, but now I'm considering continuing to rent for a long time simply due to the freedom and flexibility. 

This might sound harsh, but seriously who cares about a "dream wedding." The truth is, no wedding will be perfect, and nothing can really measure up if you always compare it to a hypothetical situation or a dream. The other truth is, the average wedding in the US now costs $30,000. I don't think one day full of ice sculptures and bad DJ music is worth that much! But the rest of your life with the person you love truly is priceless


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

First of all, things WILL get better. You are going through a rough patch currently. Do you have a loving relationship with your husband, do you two get on very well? Perhaps your more well-off relatives aren't so lucky?


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Hi,

Things will eventually get back to normal, and you will be able to buy a home if those are your dreams.
I was laid off and everything around me crumbled a few years ago. Now I have an even better job, and better appreciation for what I have. I now know what a strong person I am, and I value money more. We were both able to save more, because we know we need to vs. before we didn't think about it at all.

I know it's hard not to look at other people, but everyones situation is unique.
There are a lot of people out there who have money and don't want a huge wedding, or a house.

Personally we are waiting until we have a child to sell our place, vs. our friends who got married and got a house right away. Now they live far away from their parents and have to worry about who will watch their kids while they work. Some hate the fact that they are tied down to a HUGE mortgage etc,

You never know where you will be working, or how things will change, so the house may be a blessing.

Just focus on you and hubby and things will work out


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Weird thing about weddings in my family, Mrs. G-
My old man had a big wedding for his first wife.
Marriage life:1971-1974
My mom married her first H with a huge wedding.
Marriage life: 1968-1972
Cousin has huge wedding-3 months later, she catches him in bed with OW.
Marriage life; June to October, 1986
Sister has huge wedding.
Marriage life: 1991-1995
Mom and Dad go to judge and have just a few people present.
Marriage life: 35 yrs.-still going
My W and I, go to a judge, few people present.
Just had our 13th Anniversary, still going


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

*Shift In Attitude*

I have experienced a major shift in my attitude. I have learned to appreciate my loving and strong marriage and refrain from coveting others material things. My aunt is in a marriage of convienience; her husband cheats while she uses his cash to have vacations and designer clothes. She is all about status and appearances, so they are having a vow renewal. :rofl::rofl: Pathetic. I'll take Mr.G and our apartment over a big house and an empty "marriage" any day. 

My husband has received a raise and I have finally found a job where the people aren't psychotic and sabotaging. :smthumbup: We are taking a trip to see his family in October. We will be moving to a larger apartment next year and buying a condo after that. Everything is coming slowly. 

Thank you for all you wise and kind advice. I LOVE this forum.


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## JimTrail (May 22, 2011)

Looking at it from the other direction - since you are not obligated to a mortgage payment you've got more options than other family members.

I guarantee you that many of them would like to be out from under their mortgage payment.

I suggest you try and find a piece of land away from the city large enough to grow a garden. Then build a house when you are able.


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