# My husband and brother don’t get along



## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

My two brothers and i share a vacation cottage ever since our mom passed away a year ago.
Last year both my mom and mother-in-law passed away. My younger brother was late to the graveside service for my mil and my husband was deeply offended by it. I was unaware that my husband was becoming more and more irritated by my brother and the funeral was the last straw.

we really only spent time with my brother at this cottage and holidays. I noticed over the past few years my brother was really distant with us. When my husband spoke my brother about how distant and sarcastic he was with us, my brother’s solution was to become more distant and aloof. This was gasoline to the fire and this year we didn‘t go up at all this summer.

Most of my brother’s attitude is due to how anal he can be about maintaining the place. He’s always creating unnecessary work and expects all of us to pitch in. I take care of my house but don’t take it to the extreme he does. 

My brother is single and never married. I sense he doesn’t get that with marriage and kids that I don’t have the time or desire to turn the family cottage into work camp. I also think there is some envy and resentment with him too. He never got more than a high school education. My husband, older brother and myself went to college. It was his choice to not get more schooling or learn a trade. He has admitted to me that he should have done more about education. He feels trapped by his dead end job and thinks he can’t go anywhere else.

My husband feels that my family should have “fixed” him years ago. Our conflict is that he feels I’m getting screwed by my brother cause I’m not using the place. If I went up without him, I’m not sure he would be speaking to me when I returned. My husband thinks that I am somehow responsible for my brother‘s single status and lack of accomplishments. That I can somehow change a 54 year old man. 

We keep going in circles and fighting about this. My older brother and I are in the middle between these two.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Who the hell is your husband to stick his nose in your family business and decide what your brother should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing?

Tell him to worry about his own damned family.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

A friend of mine works in "wealth management" and says bequeathing a vacation home jointly to a bunch of siblings is the surest way to start a war between them. Well-meaning people can have different ideas about what the place should look like or whether you should hire people or do the work yourself, or whether to rent it out, etc. You may want to suggest to your siblings that you all pick or hire someone to make decisions, or one of you buys the other out, etc. You can probably find articles on the subject.

I agree w/ the above poster that your husband is trying to run your family, try gently but firmly reminding him that he doesn't own your brother. So what if he was late to a funeral, I'm sure she was still dead when he got there. Did H really think he was going to get B to warm up by criticizing him? It is ok for him to talk to you about him, he is just causing trouble by going to your B.

It is fine for you to talk to your brother and be his friend, but be cautious about giving him money. If H objects to the first, he is a jerk. The second he has a say about.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I'm confused as to why ever the twain should meet. Does your brother live at the cottage? If so, then how is that sharing the cottage if it is his home? If he doesn't live there, then why can't you and your husband/family go when brother isn't there?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why cant you all book different times to be at the cottage so that you can all use that time as you wish? Say two to three weeks each at a time. Either that or sell it and split the money three ways.
I do think that your husband grossly over reacted about the funeral. Your brother may have had a valid reason to be late and its not as if it was even anyone in his family, but his sister's husband family. I think it was good that he even went.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Who the hell is your husband to stick his nose in your family business and decide what your brother should be doing and what he shouldn't be doing?
> 
> Tell him to worry about his own damned family.


Who in the hell is your brother that he decides the temperament of your married relationship with H?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Let me guess....your younger brother is the "baby" of the family.....



KathyfromMich said:


> That I can somehow change a 54 year old man.


You need to state unequivocally to your husband, that your brother's upbringing was the responsibility of HIS PARENTS.... not you....and, that there is nothing whatsoever you can do to change any other person, brother, other, or stranger.....

You can go to your cottage when your brother isn't there, as @StarFires has suggested....



KathyfromMich said:


> He has admitted to me that he should have done more about education.


You need to state unequivocally TO YOUR BROTHER that he is now a FULLY GROWN MAN, with the rights, privileges, and responsibilities thereof.

Galatians 6:7 (KJV):
_Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap._

Your brother needs to read this bible verse, and make a decision.... he can either accept this verse as a curse, or as a promise....God will deliver to him whichever he chooses.....



KathyfromMich said:


> He feels trapped by his dead end job and thinks he can’t go anywhere else.


First clause of that sentence is the absolute truth, he is "trapped", unless he does something about it.
Thinking he "can't go anywhere else" ??? Not "can't"...."won't". He is not too old to learn. I am still taking engineering courses and seminars at 68. And, I learn from them....



Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Who in the hell is your brother that he decides the temperament of your married relationship with H?


Spot on, Mr. RR.... ... your "family" is now YOUR HUSBAND. Whatever interferes with your family must be put to the wayside.

If you are "in the middle", it is your responsibility to turn toward your husband, and away from your brother.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There shouldn’t be any problems, you are married to your husband not your brother. My BIL all but destroyed my marriage with my wife, because she allowed it to happen. Now that the damage is done, my wife and her brother no longer talk. He stopped talking to her after the damage was done. In the past couple of years him and his wife have tried reaching out to W again. She doesn’t respond to the advances from them. I could careless if she talks to them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Who in the hell is your brother that he decides the temperament of your married relationship with H?


It doesn't seem to me that B is trying to manage H's life or dictate his relationship w/ OP, but that H is trying to do that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

When OP said she felt that she was unable to go to the house without her B then likely her B wouldn't speak to her the fact her relationship with B is so screwed to be at the point she thinks that.

That's telling me W has let B start running her mental life and that situation supports there's an even deeper B conflict that's encroaching on her M relationship.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Regarding your MIL's funeral, a lot of companies will not allow time off for a funeral unless it is for immediate family. Your husband's mother hardly constitutes immediate family for your brother. Your husband should be grateful that he showed up at all. He really is being a hard-ass about your brother and it's none of his business.

Sell the cottage and divide the proceeds three ways. It isn't worth all of the discontent that it is generating.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sell the cottage and split the money. As long as you jointly own the property there will be drama surrounding it. Besides, if you can't go and enjoy the property with just your spouse and kids when it isn't being used by another sibling there really isn't a point to having joint ownership anyway.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Yes, another response reminds me that people are normally happy to see family and friends attend their loved one's funeral, whether someone is late has nothing to do with anything. Your husband just wanted to distort it into something to complain about and disparage your brother. Actually, everything you told us your husband did and said to and about your brother are nonsensical, inflammatory, and instigating.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, first of all, if you share a place, you can't leave it a mess for the next visitor. If you can't use it and clean up afterward, then don't use it. Obviously, he doesn't want the place looking like a nursery.

If he's making up things like get on your knees and sponge down the molding on the flooring, tell him you're willing to pay him to do your part or hire someone else to do it if and only if all three of you agree it's necessary. 

And lastly, don't ever take your husband around him, certainly not up there, maybe to a holiday where there's a houseful of people if you think they can be polite. Sounds like your husband is who started this.


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## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

TJW said:


> Let me guess....your younger brother is the "baby" of the family.....
> 
> 
> 
> ...





DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, first of all, if you share a place, you can't leave it a mess for the next visitor. If you can't use it and clean up afterward, then don't use it. Obviously, he doesn't want the place looking like a nursery.
> 
> If he's making up things like get on your knees and sponge down the molding on the flooring, tell him you're willing to pay him to do your part or hire someone else to do it if and only if all three of you agree it's necessary.
> 
> And lastly, don't ever take your husband around him, certainly not up there, maybe to a holiday where there's a houseful of people if you think they can be polite. Sounds like your husband is who started this.


i


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## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

KathyfromMich said:


> i


We’ve never left a mess, and done chores such as putting in the boat dock in the spring and taking it out in the fall. We do dishes daily, cook and provide our own food. we also bought things like toilet paper, paper towels, bottled water, etc. things that were used by all. 
My brother is the type to do hands and knees scrubbing the floors. He is also someone who won’t say what is bothering him, expecting everyone to read his mind. Nursing a grudge is also charming trait


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And there it is.

Husband is cleared of all charges.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

KathyfromMich said:


> We’ve never left a mess, and done chores such as putting in the boat dock in the spring and taking it out in the fall. We do dishes daily, cook and provide our own food. we also bought things like toilet paper, paper towels, bottled water, etc. things that were used by all.
> My brother is the type to do hands and knees scrubbing the floors. He is also someone who won’t say what is bothering him, expecting everyone to read his mind. Nursing a grudge is also charming trait


Again, offer to pay him for a semi-annual deep cleaning, but keep doing your own cleaning up. Isn't it worth it to placate him? Don't pay him much, mind you, and remind him that he is the only one who cares about getting down on hands and knees and that he doesn't get extra credit for it. I mean, it's you and your other brother on one side and him on the other right? So you should be able to outvote him. Unless your other brother is a pig.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KathyfromMich said:


> We’ve never left a mess, and done chores such as putting in the boat dock in the spring and taking it out in the fall. We do dishes daily, cook and provide our own food. we also bought things like toilet paper, paper towels, bottled water, etc. things that were used by all.
> My brother is the type to do hands and knees scrubbing the floors. He is also someone who won’t say what is bothering him, expecting everyone to read his mind. Nursing a grudge is also charming trait


Can you just go down at different times as has been suggested? Or sell your share?


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## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Can you just go down at different times as has been suggested? Or sell your share?


i would but my husband doesn’t want to try that. I’m not sure about his objection to it. He seems to regard it as a compromise and working around my brother instead of ”fixing him”


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## KathyfromMich (Aug 11, 2020)

KathyfromMich said:


> i would but my husband doesn’t want to try that. I’m not sure about his objection to it. He seems to regard it as a compromise and working around my brother instead of ”fixing him”


I have considered selling my share. I knew one day I would have to but not this soon.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KathyfromMich said:


> i would but my husband doesn’t want to try that. I’m not sure about his objection to it. He seems to regard it as a compromise and working around my brother instead of ”fixing him”


Thst what most people would do if they owned a holiday home, each book different weeks for their family.


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