# Coping with loss...



## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Hi TAM,

A while back I posted my story of how I discovered my wifes infidelity...

Since then there were many ups and downs, should I stay or go type moments. My wife said she was sorry and acknowledged that she went outside our marriage, yadda yadda. Whenever I asked for something to help me cope and rebuild trust I was given excuses and empty promises. I eventually had enough...

We have been separated for about 2 weeks now, living apart. I woke up today and am feeling very sad about the whole thing, more so than usual. I miss my old life, I miss the person I thought my wife was... even though things weren't perfect I got to see my kids every day...

Just wondering how everyone else copes with not seeing their kids as often? 

Do you find there are ups and downs during the divorce process? What do you do to cope?

Are there any other good resources out there for those in our situation?

Thanks


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

Im too new at this to feel qualified to say more than I'm right there with you. Lots of ups and downs for sure. Hang in there. Sometimes I read the life after divorce sub forum to see what it's like on the other side.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Just wondering how everyone else copes with not seeing their kids as often?
> 
> Do you find there are ups and downs during the divorce process? What do you do to cope?
> 
> ...


You will eventually reconcile with the fact that you won't see your kids every day. It's an extremely difficult notion to get over - but eventually you will.

Extreme ups and downs. You will be tested and learn about yourself during the process. Just when you think you have things figured out - a new obstacle pops up. But, you will learn. What you do going forward is up to you.

TAM is a great resource for this situation.

How old are you 2?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> TAM is a great resource for this situation.
> 
> How old are you 2?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I am 33...


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

brother, keep reading the TAM posts...especially the ones involving other men: ReGroup, Soca, Chuck, Zillard, and so many others. You will see a progression from kicked in the junk, to taking control of their lives and moving forward - without their wives. Read.

You are going to have to go through the emotions involved. You will have highs and lows. You WILL find a way to cope with this. You will eventually reach equilibrium. You had a life before your wife, you have one now - just one you're not used to being on your own. You will have one after, but you need to learn a lot from your broken relationship with her in order to best move on. Her stepping outside of your marriage is on her. You, however, contributed to the breakdown as well - you need to find out what those tendencies were and how to fix them for yourself an any future relationship if you so choose.

The first step is to detach from craziness (whatever is driving you crazy - wife, her OM, her BS, her drama, your drama). You need to find indifference in the way you feel about her. She certainly found this with you as she was sleeping with another guy. "meh" is the way I feel about my X now. 

The second step is to get involved with yourself now. Get fit. Get healthy. Stop wasting time with worthless time wasters (and you know what they are). Watch the eat, drink and substances. They are distractors and pain killers - they only prevent you from your mission of being the best man you can be. There are a lot of things you put off doing because of comprimising with your wife. You need to engage with hobbies, people, friends, new friends, etc.
If you allow yourself to sit home and mope, you will be a victim of her BS. Take control of this stuff now.

Third step: read and research. you've been given an opportunity for self discovery. Take advantage of it. 

Here to support..

HL


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hey DD - I assume (I read your previous threads) that you went ahead with the paternity tests? What were the results?


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

caladan said:


> Hey DD - I assume (I read your previous threads) that you went ahead with the paternity tests? What were the results?


Yeah, went ahead with the test. Kids are mine. I didn't really doubt it as they look a lot like me but its good to have the reassurance.

For some reason yesterday was a low day for me. Just felt down when I woke up, that was the reason for this post... improved through the day though.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

helolover said:


> brother, keep reading the TAM posts...especially the ones involving other men: ReGroup, Soca, Chuck, Zillard, and so many others. You will see a progression from kicked in the junk, to taking control of their lives and moving forward - without their wives. Read.


Thanks for the suggestions and support - appreciate it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Your question had more to do with missing the kids than dealing with the stbxw. 

Let me help you there. 

First of all it isn't easy. 

I used to pick up the kids everyday. Make dinner for them everyday. Help them with their homework everyday. Get them showered and ready for bed everyday. Say their prayers with them everyday. Tuck them in, kiss them on their forehead and say goodnight everyday. 

Then the D. 

Now, I miss them when I don't have them. But....I also like my alone time. I like going out with my friends. I like hanging with my girlfriend. 

You're going to have a period when you feel guilty about how you enjoy this time without the kids. 

It's all natural. 

You're changing. 

When they're back with you it will feel like it did before. You'll do all those same things you used to do. All will be right in the world. 

When they're not with you come here. We'll keep you company.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

My wife left two years ago and I got destroyed. I drank too much, smoked like a dragon, neglected the business and had financial problems, and became such an emotional wreck.

People who see me think I've done well from the separation but that was the front I was giving. I looked good physically and put on a cheery exterior but I bled inside. But I got better every day. Two steps forward and one back would my pattern. I slipped plenty of times, had one too many triggers but I kept getting better gradually.

It really boils down to the strength of your resolve. The advice everyone has given to you is excellent. If you want to fast track your healing, realize that 33 years is young, and that there is a good new life out there. 

And don't waste two years of your time, like I did, getting it!


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Thanks for the suggestions and support - appreciate it.


Dude,

What are you currently doing to improve your well being?

Are you out of shape? 

Are you a push over?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Dude,
> 
> What are you currently doing to improve your well being?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am working through the 'no more mr nice guy' program at the moment. As well as reading some other books in order to understand myself better and hence improve me.



ReGroup said:


> Are you out of shape?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I am in relatively good shape... I am going to the gym about 5 times a week, playing sport on the w/e.



ReGroup said:


> Are you a push over?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As for being a push over... not so much anymore. I was but I am finally man'ing up.

I don't really have much of a social life - so could improve in that regard, one step at a time.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Your question had more to do with missing the kids than dealing with the stbxw.


Well, she is batsh** crazy but I know how to deal with her now.




Ceegee said:


> When they're not with you come here. We'll keep you company.


Yup, that's what I have been doing. Reading lots of the other posts.. 

I just have to remind myself that lots of people have been through this before and are going through it now. It's not the end of the world and life goes on. Given that I am working on myself now I should come out the other side a 'better' person.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> I don't really have much of a social life - so could improve in that regard, one step at a time.


Can you expand on this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

DumbDude said:


> Well, she is batsh** crazy but I know how to deal with her now.



We can probably help with this too.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"Not much of a social life"

usually means

"I gave up all my friends to make her happy."

Like that works.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

Conrad said:


> "Not much of a social life"
> 
> usually means
> 
> ...


Guilty as charged.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I'm reading "On Your Own Again' by Keith Anderson M.D. 
He says it takes a lot of grieving and mourning over the loss of any marriage good or bad. The loss of the family unit is painful but the pain gets better in time. He says it's 3 years before a person gets into a new life mode. 

DivorceCare groups are really excellent too, they are held in churches and anyone can go for $20, they speak a lot about the grieving period and discuss the pitfalls of rebound relationships etc. etc. A lot of good practical advice. DivorceCare says you will go through a natural depression over the loss and have to accept that low time period as necessary to healing. 

A divorce is second on the stress level chart, next to the death of a loved one.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I remember you. Found this cause you typed on another thread.

GLAD the kids are you. That woulda been a bigger kick in the stones.

Heal up. Eventually you may even want to date. Yea I know it seems so far off but at 33, statistically you will love again. If you want to see a turn around. I recommend (as usual) the whyeme thread. He is having a blast with his new GF. Aug 20 of this year he was talking about doing a kamikaze run into a bridge piller.


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## WYBadger (Mar 3, 2014)

DD,

First I would think about changing your screen name, I'm sure you're not dumb.

I'm going through the same thing with my D4. The STBX and I are in our 1st month of separation, just waiting for the D to be finalized in a few months. We are splitting time with her50/50, the times without her are tough.

One thing I've been doing for quite a long time is e-mailing her. I set up an account for her and daily write her e-mails about what's going on in her life. Someday I hope to print them out, put them in a folder and hand them to her.

It sucks when your partner bails on the marriage and accepts that they'll only see their child or children 50% of the time, but you can only control you.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> I remember you. Found this cause you typed on another thread.
> 
> GLAD the kids are you. That woulda been a bigger kick in the stones.
> 
> Heal up. Eventually you may even want to date. Yea I know it seems so far off but at 33, statistically you will love again. If you want to see a turn around. I recommend (as usual) the whyeme thread. He is having a blast with his new GF. Aug 20 of this year he was talking about doing a kamikaze run into a bridge piller.


Thanks mate. I'll find these other threads and have a read. Could probably use it right now as I am a bit miserable.

I am glad the kids are mine too! They bring so much joy.


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

WYBadger said:


> DD,
> 
> First I would think about changing your screen name, I'm sure you're not dumb.


Yeah, I have been thinking about doing this... I think ill see whether its possible..



WYBadger said:


> DD,
> One thing I've been doing for quite a long time is e-mailing her. I set up an account for her and daily write her e-mails about what's going on in her life. Someday I hope to print them out, put them in a folder and hand them to her.


I had this idea also but have been less than religious in following through. I was trying to keep notes on what both my girls are up to and the stuff we do together and any funny events etc...


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You dont rwally qualify as one of our dumber posters. You could have mods change your name.
Wasnt it the mailman or something.

You could have them rename you to:
Rottweilerchewsonmailmen 
ThekidsAREmine


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## DumbDude (Jul 27, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> You dont rwally qualify as one of our dumber posters. You could have mods change your name.
> Wasnt it the mailman or something.
> 
> You could have them rename you to:
> ...


Yeah, the mail man. Like a script from a crappy tv drama...

Thanks for the suggestions :lol:

I think I am going to come up with something that helps me to not dwell in the past.. as much as I would like '_AGoodMailManIsADeadMailMan_' something like that would remind me and I just want to move on!


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