# Why does it have to be so HARD



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

We hate each other. That’s what it’s come down to. We can’t have a simple conversation without it turning into an argument. So much resentment between us. I constantly feel like he is blaming me or accusing me of something and I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. Yet my husband does not want to separate or get a divorce!! He always promises to change and promises to try hard which only last for a few days before he hates me again. I honestly think that it isn’t that he is happy with me.. It’s just that he doesn’t want anyone else to be happy with me. We both are great people. We just honestly probably should’ve never gotten married to begin with. We have very little in common which worked at first but didn’t keep us going long. Since then it’s just been a matter of empty efforts and trying to change so much for the other person that we have forgotten who we truly are. Now nearly 12 years together and almost 6 married; we have 2 children (one is mine that he helped raised from a young age), 2 dogs, a house, and BILLS!! The scary thing for me is being able to maintain our lower middle class lifestyle for our kids. I’m not greedy.. I don’t need to have everything.. but it scares me to think if I make him leave that I won’t even be able to afford the necessities anymore, let alone the little extra that we do buy! But staying married just for financial convenience seems like a horrible thing to do. I don’t even know how to explain my marriage or tell our stories because for so long, I’ve just been trying ignore everything that’s been going on and just get through the days with the least amount of stress. I’m so far from happy that I can’t even remember if I was ever happy in my marriage. I look at pictures from the past and I think they were happy times?!? I’m not sure how this is all reflecting on our kids. I try to focus all my positive energy into them.. supporting them, sharing with them, and laughing with them. I’m sure I’m only adding to the issue when I do this, but I don’t feel close to my husband anymore. I don’t feel like he is my friend. We don’t laugh together.. we don’t have any conversations that don’t involve money, bills, the house, or the kids. He’s such a debby downer these days. All he cares about is money and bills. 

Like two weeks ago we got into a pretty heated argument where we admitted how unhappy we were and how much we resented each other. I told him that I think we have too much water under the bridge to repair the damage.. that I think it’s time to separate. He kind of agreed but then changed his mind. I took off my ring to make meatloaf for dinner and just didn’t feel like putting it back on. I told him, it was my way of saying; I am DONE with this marriage the way it is.. and the only way I was putting my ring back on was if I felt happy and in love again and that there was no quick fixes anymore.. that we need to walk away or totally rebuild. He did what he always does.. acts different for a few days and begs for forgiveness. Well I’m still not wearing my ring and I don’t feel any closer to putting it on. 

How do I do this??


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Well, for starters you both should really consider marriage counseling. I think it could be a huge help for you.

In any case, what you have been trying isn't working, and you'd hate to give up and regret it later or worry whether you made the right choice. Since it sounds like there isn't any immediate danger signs here (physical/sexual/verbal abuse) I would say you should try MC, read a few books that might be helpful, and ultimately consider the 180 if he refuses MC.

The 180 will allow you to focus on yourself and get yourself healthier in mind, body and spirit. It could also have the side benefit of showing your husband that you aren't going to bend over backwards to save a marriage that he isn't willing to contribute to either. He might not care. If he does care however, he'll certainly notice and likely will change his tune to some degree.


----------



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Thank you for your response.

I'm going to have to research the 180 thing you talked about!

Thats the thing though, I have been reading books. I have been beggin him to read them to. I got him to read a part that I thought was really important just the other day and of course he turned that into a fight because he refuses to put himself in a catagory from a book because he doesn't want to live life based on what a book tells him!! As you can guess he is against mc because he thinks it's all mumbo jumbo that blame your issues on your past/childhood. Bottom line: He doesn't want to do the hard work!!


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

What changes are you making to make your marriage better? You mention a couple of times that your husband changes for a few days, but then goes back into his old habits, but you say nothing about what you are doing. I agree with the other poster that you need to get into marriage counseling ASAP. Marriage is not easy - but neither is divorce. Go to marriage counseling - fully committed - and see if you can rebuild your marriage.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell him the only way to save the marriage is with professional help. But he may choose not to. So you need a plan in place just in case he doesn't.


----------



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

Maybe I don't put enough effort into fixing our marriage because I feel like I am constantly being let down. Maybe I don't put enough effort into it because subconsciously I already gave up on our relationship a long time ago. 
I am more the brains of the operation. We blamed our problems on our finances so I prepared a budget plan and got us an equity/refi loan. He says I don't let him parent so I bought a book, read it and have been begging him to read it so that we can have some common ground on parenting. I bought another book that I'm just about finished with about marriages. I just don't feel like I want to put forth effort if he's not going to give effort back. All that would do is make him happy but me more miserable. What kind of marriage is that?? He complains he wants more intimacy.. but PLEASE tell me how to be intimate with someone with someone you want to strangle more then you want to hug???


----------



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

How important is it to be married to someone who supports your hopes, dreams and future goals? My husband doesn't share in any of my dreams. We are so different that is discouraging.


----------



## firefairy (May 21, 2012)

I think I may have come to a stark realization. I want to see what else is out there. I want to find true love. I want to find happiness. I want to find someone who enjoys the same things as I do. I want to find someone I can talk to. I want a man who is also my bestfriend. What if this is what I want?? What do I do?


----------

