# I need Advice.



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Hey fellas, I need some advice from guys who have been here before.


I've been married for almost 7 years now, 30yrs old.

For over a year now, I've had these super intense urges that I just want to single. I want to live the life that I never got to experience in my 20's. 

Can these feelings really be what I want? Can I really give up my marriage for that? 

My marriage is ok. I really cannot point out any one thing that she does or doesn't do that makes me want to leave. In being completely honest, I just want to experience those experiences. Right or wrong, I'm being honest here.

Im scared to leave, but at the same time I almost feel a breathe of fresh air when I think about it. 

Mostly I'm just really confused but this is weighing very heavy on me a lot lately. I've tried shaking it. But it always comes back.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

We kind of need a little more info. 

Do you have any kids?

Do you love your wife? 

Are you still attracted to her?

What is going on in your marriage?

Read up on the 7 year itch. Probably not worth blowing your life up for?


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

What is it about single life that you're not able to do in your marriage? Are you talking about just dating around and having fun with women?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> We kind of need a little more info.
> 
> Do you have any kids?
> 
> ...


Sorry guys, Kinda important info here. 

No Kids. 

I tell myself I love her, but to be down right honest, I really don't know.

Attraction is all but gone most days. Some days I do think, Dang whos that lady in my house!

I feel like i have a room mate more than a wife. We get along pretty well though.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Dycedarg said:


> What is it about single life that you're not able to do in your marriage? Are you talking about just dating around and having fun with women?


Exactly what Im talking about. I've never cheated in my life and dont plan to. Not my style.

Go out and party with the boys have fun with women, Etc.

Come home when I want, without feeling guilty about it.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Attraction is all but gone most days. Some days I do think, Dang whos that lady in my house!
> 
> I feel like i have a room mate more than a wife. We get along pretty well though.


OK. So what's up with this?

You guys having regular sex? 

Has she gained a bunch of weight? She not taking care of herself or you?

Mutual interests?



Ol'Pal said:


> Come home when I want, without feeling guilty about it.


You feel guilty when you stay out late with your buddies? Or is she trying to guilt trip you?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> OK. So what's up with this?
> 
> You guys having regular sex?
> 
> ...


Sex is pretty regular, most the time just going through the motions though. In fact, the other day we headed for the bedroom and then both just laid there for awhile before we both got up and went back to whatever it was we were doing. No sex even though we had headed to the bed room. Didn't even go through the motions.

She is bigger but not obese or anything, she probably runs 5 days a week. 

I'm in the best shape of my life. She says I'm vain. I say I have goals.

Mutual interests are almost nil. Her idea of a great day together is going to a restaurant for a meal and a couple drinks. While I'm fine with that, it's called supper, which happens every day. Certainly not quality time in my book. She is lovey dovey after an event like this. But if it doesn't happen on a regular occurrence, i get the passive aggressive or guilt trips again. 

When i think of quality time, I think of hiking for the day or along those lines. She will have none of it. Or if she does, she makes it so miserable for me by whining the whole time that I'd just as well have left her at home. She makes it very apparent that she is not interested in being there. I don't even ask anymore.

I'd rather spend an evening out in the garden or watching wildlife from the deck. Heck, I enjoy pulling weeds or mowing the lawn. I just love being outside taking it all in. She can stay on the couch for an entire day watching TV or reading books, only getting up to use the bathroom. No exaggeration there.

She says she has no problem with me going out with my buddies, but she guilt trips me so dang hard that it's not worth feeling that bad so i end up not going. Her guilt trips work. I tell myself to just go enjoy my evening out and that i wont let her bug me, But it reality I always feel guilty.

She says I'm selfish, I'd actually argue the exact opposite. I'm a pleaser. I cannot stand having people upset with me and I'll do what it takes to remedy the situation. 


She wants kids, I've been poked and prodded to no end over 2+ years to make sure /get the swimmers in shape. But when it was her turn to head for the doc, She went once and said that was enough of that, even though she had some issues as well. Dodged a bullet here maybe.....


I find myself thinking often "is this how i want to spend the rest of my life?"
God, reading all this makes me feel like a door mat.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ol'Pal said:


> Sex is pretty regular, most the time just going through the motions though. In fact, the other day we headed for the bedroom and then both just laid there for awhile before we both got up and went back to whatever it was we were doing. No sex even though we had headed to the bed room. Didn't even go through the motions.
> 
> She is bigger but not obese or anything, she probably runs 5 days a week.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you're not really that compatible, or attracted to each other.

Were you ever? Why did you get married? What was dating like?


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## BBF (May 21, 2015)

Run. No kids. No compatibility. No lust. No love. No togetherness. 

Run to a divorce attorney and start cutting away the rigging of this shipwreck. Divorce now before it becomes a "long term marriage" which means alamoney for life if you make more than her. 

Bail now before kids, she quits running and gains at least 70 pounds by being a lethargic slug.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

marduk said:


> Sounds like you're not really that compatible, or attracted to each other.
> 
> Were you ever? Why did you get married? What was dating like?


I agree Marduk, as much as i hate too, I do. 

Dating , well we both liked to party. That was pretty much our common interest in dating. 


Looking back, I have no idea why we got married. There had to have been something though, or i was just a young, dumb idiot.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ol'Pal said:


> I agree Marduk, as much as i hate too, I do.
> 
> Dating , well we both liked to party. That was pretty much our common interest in dating.
> 
> ...


Either you need to share more data, or you need to think about it more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

marduk said:


> Sounds like you're not really that compatible, or attracted to each other.


:iagree:

You guys have different life goals and are really on opposite ends of the spectrum on what you like to do in your leisure time. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of overlap. 

"We liked to party together" works fine for a few years when you're young and don't have a care in the world, but it doesn't make for a good lifetime of companionship. 

Have you guys sat down and talked about what this relationship is going to look like 10 years from now or when you add a couple kids to the mix?

It may be time to have some frank discussions with your wife (maybe with a counselor) about these problems.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You guys have different life goals and are really on opposite ends of the spectrum on what you like to do in your leisure time. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of overlap.
> 
> ...



I'm working on getting to see a counselor on my own first. 

And youre 100% right on the partying. It was great, now not so much. 

I re-read this whole thread and I came off a few times as my wife was an evil person. That is not the case at all. She's really is a sweet heart, an incompatible sweet heart.

I just always expected more from marriage, and it just doesn't seem to be there, or going to ever be there.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

This isn't so much about your marriage as it is about some other issue of loss. What happened to you in your 20's that you never experienced these things then? What was life like then?

There's no reverse gear in life, you can't really go back and do all the things you wanted to do...it just moves forward. Before you destroy what seems like an OK marriage, you should try to figure out what it is you're really struggling with, perhaps with the help of a psychologist.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

Have you talked to her about how you feel? Is she second guessing things as well? It really sounds like your interests and needs are incompatible, but the real question is whether you both are willing to work towards a compromise or just walk away. When I joined TAM, somebody recommended this book to me:

His Needs, Her Needs

It is important to understand what your core needs are w.r.t. marriage, and what your wife's are, and work towards meeting each others needs.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If you do this, do it for the right reasons. 

Don't get sucked into "Greener grass" thinking, as if the simple act of being single will suddenly bring happiness and contentment to your life. It won't. Do you want it because that's really how you want to live your life, or because of what it represents?

The single greatest threat to marital success IMHO is unrealistic expectations. Long term marriages go through periods of disinterest for your partner, even dissatisfaction. Only you can decide if it's a chronic problem indicating a deeper underlying compatibility issue or not.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sit your wife down.

Explain the situation to her. Tell her you are bored with the kind of lifestyle she likes. Tell her you aren't attracted to her any more. Tell her that you'd like to make some changes.

I highly doubt she will be surprised by this. 

But give her a chance to try to meet you half way.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Festivus said:


> If you do this, do it for the right reasons.
> 
> Don't get sucked into "Greener grass" thinking, as if the simple act of being single will suddenly bring happiness and contentment to your life. It won't. Do you want it because that's really how you want to live your life, or because of what it represents?
> 
> The single greatest threat to marital success IMHO is unrealistic expectations. Long term marriages go through periods of disinterest for your partner, even dissatisfaction. Only you can decide if it's a chronic problem indicating a deeper underlying compatibility issue or not.


I know the grass isn't always greener. Been there done that early in life with the "new job" 

BTW, I love festivus. Always a good time.:grin2:


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

marduk said:


> Sit your wife down.
> 
> Explain the situation to her. Tell her you are bored with the kind of lifestyle she likes. Tell her you aren't attracted to her any more. Tell her that you'd like to make some changes.
> 
> ...




We've had this talk, it helps for a few weeks and maybe even months. We eventually end up right back where we started. 

And she knows, I'm not good at hiding how i'm feelings. 


Thank you all for getting me some outside prospective on this.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

It sounds like you just generally think you are better than her. Which is not a criticism but maybe just a hard truth. 


Assuming my first statement is correct, it also sounds like you'd like to get out without being the "bad guy". Am I correct? Like she hasn't exactly done anything wrong like cheating or recklessly spending your money, but you're just not happy and you know it.


If this is the case don't stay with her just to avoid being the bad guy. I have 2 friends doing this and they are wasting their lives and not living life to the fullest. Let's face it men, once we cross a certain age life isn't the same. You gotta live it up while you can if you feel you need to.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Ol'Pal said:


> We've had this talk, it helps for a few weeks and maybe even months. We eventually end up right back where we started.
> 
> And she knows, I'm not good at hiding how i'm feelings.
> 
> ...


Tell her you're thinking of leaving the marriage because of this, and maybe you're just too different and not compatible.

Is marriage counselling an option?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

PersonInSpace said:


> It sounds like you just generally think you are better than her. Which is not a criticism but maybe just a hard truth.
> 
> 
> Assuming my first statement is correct, it also sounds like you'd like to get out without being the "bad guy". Am I correct? Like she hasn't exactly done anything wrong like cheating or recklessly spending your money, but you're just not happy and you know it.
> ...



Wow, Excellent post PIS. You read me like a book. I really appreciate it. 


I guess in some aspects, Yeah I'm better. But I'll give credit where credit is due, she is better than me in lots of ways too. 

You're right, When it comes right down to it, I don't want to be the bad guy. I don't want the confrontations that are bound to happen in a divorce. I hate making people sad. Just how I'm wired. While I believe its a good quality to have, It's also a fault for sure. Basically it comes down to being scared.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Ol'Pal said:


> I've been married for almost 7 years now, 30yrs old.
> 
> .


Its called "the seven year itch". Rent the movie if you never watched it!

You are just bored, and think fondly back to being single and having fun. BUT, you can have fun now too...just need to modify the type of fun a little.

How about a nice hike up a big mountain this weekend? Fishing, Kayaking? Hop in the car and the two of you just drive around exploring. In other words...DO stuff together. When you find a thing you both enjoy doing, do a boatload more of that thing!!!0


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Her is my "I" Witness analysis.

I agree with the incompatible statement.

I agree with the lack of {inferred} chemistry between you two, statement.

I agree that there is a lack of any flame or romance in your marriage.

I agree that Divorce should be an option and should not be viewed as a bad thing.

I agree that this situation "looks" hopeless. Why? You have painted an "Exit-Portrait". We cannot warmly re-paint your feelings, her feelings.

I do not think that she feels much different about your marriage. You may be surprised by her response to divorce. She may want out, too, but is too kind and weak [co-dependent] to say this.

I dis-agree with the "Run" statement. She sounds like a nice lady and deserves to be treated as one. You may separate and divorce, but only after communicating this desire to her.

I expect that if she does not "want" a divorce, she will make a concentrated effort to get you to reconsider. If she does this, you know that she does love you and the marriage..

I know that does not solve anything. You do the solving.

I and you know that there are TWO of you in this marriage. Any decisions must be communicated and mutually worked at.

I think that you should treat her and the situation properly. She is your Wife a Lady, not a burden.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> Its called "the seven year itch". Rent the movie if you never watched it!
> 
> You are just bored, and think fondly back to being single and having fun. BUT, you can have fun now too...just need to modify the type of fun a little.
> 
> How about a nice hike up a big mountain this weekend? Fishing, Kayaking? Hop in the car and the two of you just drive around exploring. In other words...DO stuff together. When you find a thing you both enjoy doing, do a boatload more of that thing!!!0


Yes------->

The seven year itch...when Saturnine Men come calling....every Seven years. They want to close the "Unfinished Pages' in your Book of Life".

Georgium Sidus may be whispering in your ear....trying to change your course.....mid-stream. Be careful. Prescient as he may be, his is a collective direction...you are singular. Stand fast at the helm. Look for a safe place to port your bodily ship.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Her is my "I" Witness analysis.
> 
> I agree with the incompatible statement.
> 
> ...




Another excellent post. Thanks to all of you. 

She is not a bad person, she's actually a great person. Just not someone who I have much in common with anymore. 

I wish she were an evil person. That would make this a much easier decision for me. I wouldn't care so much about hurting her. Because deep inside me, I hate the thought of doing that. I also cannot see myself married to her in 10 years.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Be the man and do what you have to do. You may ultimately be doing each other a huge favor. She will now have a chance to find someone who is more compatible and that wants to meet her needs better.

And then ditch the conflict avoidant part of your personality. Not to be an *******, but to eliminate the hidden resentment and covert contracts that ensue.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

The grass is always greener buddy...

Your single life will likely not be nearly as awesome as you think as your buddies time will be occupied with their own lives, girlfriends, work, etc... You may not get to go out with them anymore than you already do.

I'm like you where I enjoy mowing the lawn, trimming the beds, gardening, running, hiking, hunting, camping. My wife doesn't do any of those things, I consider them my escapes, having hobbies or interests that don't interest your husband/wife can be a great time to decompress and be alone. I've learned to love these times. I also use hiking, hunting, camping, to bond with my son.

I married at 22 and aside from a 2 year separation my 20's were full of raising kids, working multiple jobs to survive, stint in the military etc... While I saw my friends in college, or renting a house together, partying, casual sex with different women seemingly every weekend. Was I jealous? Absolutely, but I'm smart enough to know that at my age, being single isn't going to be like that. I'll be dating people coming off terrible marriages, with children they're responsible for leaving a lot less time for me, potential abuse issues and a ton of baggage, as well as bringing my own baggage (which is plentiful) into the relationship. It doesn't mean I can't find someone great, but it's not going to be a non-stop party if I were to end up single.

The pickins definitely get a lot slimmer at 35 then at 25.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It seems like a lot of people go through this sort of mid life crisis when they are 30 and they think... is this it? I personally don't think the problem is your marriage. I think that you are placing blame on your wife/marriage and not taking responsibility for your part. This is your life. You have to create your own life that makes you happy. But you also have to take the bad with the good and you choose to get married so you have responsibilities. But... You can't loose your identity. Marriage is only a piece of what encompasses your life, don't make it bigger more than you should. Your marriage is not your life. 
Our spouses will never give us everything we need so don't put that on them. If you like to hike and do out doors stuff, then find a male friend to do that with. Don't blame it on your wife. People give up too much of themselves in marriage and then they want to blame their spouse for their unhappiness. Take responsibility. This is your life. Your wife can guilt you all day long but it's you who makes the decision on what you do. You are a man who is his own person and has his own life, who also shares his life with a women, who is her own person as well.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Picture your life when you are 50. What do you want your life to be like? We need to have a good balance with living and enjoying the moment, but also planning for the future we want. Sometimes people are too short sighted and they make decisions to make their present self happy and screw their future self up.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Thank you all again, I've got a lot of food for thought from you for sure. 

Thank you Knobcreek and Katiecrna, Very insightful to say the least. 


You're all right, Im 31 and im thinking is this it? But at the same time, I'm finally learning to be happy, I need to live for myself. Now I have to figure out whether my wife can be part of that equation. 


The line that "marriage is not your life" really opens my eyes. I feel like my marriage is my ENTIRE life. I need to quit caring so dang much!


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## SSandy (May 15, 2016)

I agree, we are in a very similar boat... I too enjoy all things outdoors and have trouble getting my husband involved. I know many people on here have suggested doing these outdoor activities and hobbies alone as a way to decompress and enjoy yourself, however, my problem (maybe yours too) is that you don't do anything *together* to truly enjoy your time together.

I have not found a solution to bring us together in a way that we're both doing something we love. That is a horrible realization to come to... I too, would absolutely hate to break his heart, but I almost feel like deep down I already know we're just not compatible.

Trying to find a way to bring up the conversation is never easy. The timing never feels totally appropriate. I always feel like I'm going to be blind-siding him... It's hard.

I've been putting a LOT of thought into my decisions lately and I truly feel like we've grown apart. I do not know how to express that to my husband in a gentle and understanding way, but I do not see us lasting much longer.

We do not enjoy the simplest of things together. We have different goals for our future. We're just not on the same page and it could possibly be our age difference? I don't know... But I am struggling with finding a way to move forward with separating.

If you end up finding the courage to mention any of these issues to your wife, please share...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> Hey fellas, I need some advice from guys who have been here before.
> 
> 
> I've been married for almost 7 years now, 30yrs old.
> ...



I was in a similar situation in my marriage.

We were more like room mates and I didn't know if I loved my wife.

I came to TAM. Learned much.


My wife and I both took the 5 love languages quiz and compared results afterwards. Turns out were are opposites. We posted our results on the fridge as a daily reminder.......guess what? It really helped.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


She is no longer my room mate.

We got married in our early 20's, rented a small one bedroom apartment, saved as much as we could and bought a place a few years later.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I get home from fishing on saturday, she says "look at this" as she is holding an EPT in her hand:wtf:

I'm speechless and in shock.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

knobcreek said:


> The grass is always greener buddy...
> 
> Your single life will likely not be nearly as awesome as you think as your buddies time will be occupied with their own lives, girlfriends, work, etc... You may not get to go out with them anymore than you already do.
> 
> ...


Great post. Dead on how it is for many I see that have separated or divorced. However, two of them, getting divorced was the best thing for both.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> I get home from fishing on saturday, she says "look at this" as she is holding an EPT in her hand:wtf:
> 
> I'm speechless and in shock.


Hopefully in a good way. This changes things, no?

Take good care of her during the pregnancy. It will be a challenge.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> Hopefully in a good way. This changes things, no?
> 
> Take good care of her during the pregnancy. It will be a challenge.


Unfortunately, NO not in a good way at all. Let's just say I'm less than thrilled.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Just think, in 5 years you will have a miniature Ol'Pal to teach, hang out and do active things with.

Fatherhood is one of the coolest things there is. My 2 cents.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> Just think, in 5 years you will have a miniature Ol'Pal to teach, hang out and do active things with.
> 
> Fatherhood is one of the coolest things there is. My 2 cents.


The fatherhood part isn't the hang up, It's feeling like I'm for surely stuck in this relationship now whether I want to be or not.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> The fatherhood part isn't the hang up, It's feeling like I'm for surely stuck in this relationship now whether I want to be or not.


I know you've been thinking about it a lot lately, but before you go down that rabbit hole and bury yourself in despair, just know that with kids both of your priorities are going to change some.

They may even start to align more with those of your W. 

Take good care of her during the pregnancy. If things don't start to settle into a good groove within a year or two after that then it may be time to have the conversation again.

Get to work on the people pleasing aspects of your personality. Learn that it is ok to say no. I think a lot of what you are upset about is internal. It isn't about your wife at all.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> I get home from fishing on saturday, she says "look at this" as she is holding an EPT in her hand:wtf:
> 
> I'm speechless and in shock.


hey dude--

I assume this was a surprise

I also assume that over the past couple of years you had clearly told her you don't want kids

And now she pulls an "oopsie"

pretty convenient


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I think you need to lay everything on the table

tell her you were seriously considering ending the relationship before her pregnancy announcement, which was a complete shock to you

let her know what needs to change for you to be happy

acknowledge that you have different perspectives on life and that you are concerned that you are not really compatible

address the fact that if you are to become parents together that you are very concerned that these differences could become much bigger problems

what you should absolutely not do is just ignore the issues because she is now pregnant

these issues will not go away once you have a child. if anything, they will become exacerbated


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> I think you need to lay everything on the table
> 
> tell her you were seriously considering ending the relationship before her pregnancy announcement, which was a complete shock to you
> 
> ...


Thanks Anon, That's solid advice for sure.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> I get home from fishing on saturday, she says "look at this" as she is holding an EPT in her hand:wtf:
> 
> I'm speechless and in shock.


Were either of you using birth control? If not, why are you shocked?
You do know what causes babies, don't you?

You had no qualms continuing to have sex with her even though you've been thinking of leaving. Now there are consequences for your selfishness. Man up.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Were either of you using birth control? If not, why are you shocked?
> You do know what causes babies, don't you?
> 
> You had no qualms continuing to have sex with her even though you've been thinking of leaving. Now there are consequences for your selfishness. Man up.


Yeah i do know how babies happen, the stork right?

We havent used protection in 7 years with no baby even when trying for a period in there. That's why I'm shocked.

I've never said anything about not being there for the kid. That's a given in my world.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Yeah i do know how babies happen, the stork right?
> 
> We havent used protection in 7 years with no baby even when trying for a period in there. That's why I'm shocked.
> 
> I've never said anything about not being there for the kid. That's a given in my world.


OK, this kind of changes things a bit in my opinion

you were taking a risk in not using birth control

I assumed you believed she was on the pill and she unilaterally decided to stop taking it without telling you

I can't understand why you would be having sex with her without BC if you were thinking of leaving her

I think you need to own up to this mistake, but frame it as now you both need to get more serious about getting your relationship on solid footing


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Little update, 

We had a discussion last Wed and we decided that it would probably be best if we separated for an undisclosed amount of time. The tension of being around each other was immense and we agreed it would probably be the right thing to do for the time being. 

We talked last night and decided if we were going to work on "us" that we probably needed to be together so she came home. I'm not sure it was the right decision. Just doesn't feel right. 

I'm really trying to be supportive of her and take care of her and she is trying to do the same for me. 

I really just feel trapped and lost now with her being pregnant. I have an appt with a counselor for the 19th as that is the soonest i could get in. She does not plan on being there for the 1st appt but maybe later on i guess. 


Thoughts? insight?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

There's a potential kid in the mix now. So I will reiterate that doing whatever you can do to rekindle things (just so long as it's real) is a good idea. There's no abuse or anything about this M that would require you to get out now. Take your time.

Going to your counselor first by yourself is a good idea.

I get the sense that the "trapped" and "lost" feelings that you have are very much internal, so dealing with that in IC is a good idea. Make a commitment to spend some time with it and follow through, even if you don't do MC right away...or at all. The grass is not always greener on the other side, but it is always greener where you water it. Do you suffer from depression? 

It's extremely hard to reconcile while living apart because you are effectively disconnecting your lives together, that is why long separations will lead to divorce more often than not. Moving back in together to prep for the child and see if there is anything left in the M is a good idea. 

Come back and let us know how your appointment(s) go.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

is not having the child an option?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> There's a potential kid in the mix now. So I will reiterate that doing whatever you can do to rekindle things (just so long as it's real) is a good idea. There's no abuse or anything about this M that would require you to get out now. Take your time.
> 
> Going to your counselor first by yourself is a good idea.
> 
> ...


Thanks is great advice, Yes the Trapped and lsot feelings are very much internal. I'm prepping myself to be open with the counselor. I'm not an open person by nature. 

I keep trying to convince myself there is something left of the M worth fighting for, I'm honestly not sure that there is on my end at least.

I had a bout with depression/ptsd in 2005 but it seems to have passed for the most part nowadays. 

Not having the kid is 100% NOT an option for her.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Besides the marriage part, on an emotional level, what do you think about having a child?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what did she say when you told her you'd just been thinking about leaving?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> Besides the marriage part, on an emotional level, what do you think about having a child?


If we were in a better place, I'd be fine with it. I've never been for having kids up to this point in my life, but not against it at some point either.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

turnera said:


> So what did she say when you told her you'd just been thinking about leaving?


Not sure on the exact question here. 

I told her that before she/we knew she was pregnant. She cried, made threats and the like. She says what we have now is what she wants her life to be. 

I've also told her that my feelings have not really changed just because of the news of a baby. She doesnt have much to say. 

The other evening I came home early trying to do something nice for her and spend some time together, she was beyond pissed, stating that she had "some decisions of her own to make"


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

She has a right to be angry IMO. One of a woman's key needs is safety and security. She has neither right now. Combine that with raging hormones and a future child growing up without it too. She is going to lash out on occasion. I would not hold that against her. She is in a place she never thought she'd be.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

to be honest, you f-d up big time by continuing to have sex without protection once you knew you were on the verge of splitting


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It's never good to feel trapped. It's not good for her to be with someone who feels trapped, either.

Do you really want to leave her right now? Do you think some kind of arrangement where you live together while divorcing might work?

Gosh, this is going to be hard for her, going through pregnancy and new babyhood with someone who no longer wants to be her partner. 

Does not help anything for you to not be honest with her, though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ol'Pal said:


> I find myself thinking often "is this how i want to spend the rest of my life?"
> God, reading all this makes me feel like a door mat.


Don't have kids until you are sure.

Woops to late


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> She has a right to be angry IMO. One of a woman's key needs is safety and security. She has neither right now. Combine that with raging hormones and a future child growing up without it too. She is going to lash out on occasion. I would not hold that against her. She is in a place she never thought she'd be.


Agreed, Im not holding it against her. 

I hate the thought of my child growing up in a divided house. I also hate the thought of being unhappily married.

No doubt the kid will be able to eventually pick up on the state of the marriage. 

So is it better for a kid to grow up in divided houses that may be happy or to grow up in as a single unhappy unit?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Better for the kids in a divided house. Count your blessings you only have 1 kid. I have a 6 and 4 year old and I just got divorced. You can't stay in a meaningless marriage just for the kids.

Now that I think about it more, my two kids have bonded a lot more in the past 6 months. It's like they have each other as they figure out their new life with daddy and mommy having separate homes. It's heartbreaking for me, but I truly think they are happy. They no longer ask if I'm coming home. I think your kid would be better because they wouldn't know any different. You and your wife will get remarried and be able to show them what a truly loving marriage is like. At least that should be the goal.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> So is it better for a kid to grow up in divided houses that may be happy or to grow up in as a single unhappy unit?


depends on the particulars of the situation

if parents can be truly happy together even if their marriage is not ideal on a personal level, then I do think it is better for the kid

this is a really big "if" though.

if you think there is a shot you can make it work, I think you owe it to her and your future child to really try.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> depends on the particulars of the situation
> 
> if parents can be truly happy together even if their marriage is not ideal on a personal level, then I do think it is better for the kid
> 
> ...



Thats what Im doing Anon, Im working on myself right now as much as our marriage. 

I've got a counseling appt today, and while i certainly dont expect miracles from 1 visit, maybe I can get some enlightenment and direction. 

TBH, I having a really hard time convincing my heart that i want to stay married. My heart just isnt in it. I'm hoping i can find a way to get that back.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> TBH, I having a really hard time convincing my heart that i want to stay married. My heart just isnt in it. I'm hoping i can find a way to get that back.


consider that there is no actual thing that is "being married."

there is just you, living your life and doing the best you can each day.

focus on doing the most ordinary things as best you can and the rest will take care of itself.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Thats what Im doing Anon, Im working on myself right now as much as our marriage.
> 
> I've got a counseling appt today, and while i certainly dont expect miracles from 1 visit, maybe I can get some enlightenment and direction.
> 
> *TBH, I having a really hard time convincing my heart that i want to stay married. My heart just isnt in it.* I'm hoping i can find a way to get that back.


The bolded is concerning. What is your plan for her and the baby if you cannot get the feeling back?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ol'Pal said:


> Agreed, Im not holding it against her.
> 
> I hate the thought of my child growing up in a divided house. I also hate the thought of being unhappily married.
> 
> ...


Children soak up their environment, and BECOME one or both of their parents. They learn what's right and normal from watching you two. So if you two are dysfunctional, they will be, too. If you're unhappy, they will be, too. If you're anxious, they will be, too.

Most importantly, kids don't have any frame of reference - if he/she sees pain and hurt in the adults, he will assume he caused it. Happens all the time. So your kid will grow up thinking he's unworthy, a problem, not wanted, the cause of y'all's unhappiness.

OTOH, if both of his homes are stress-free with well-adjusted parents, that's how he'll turn out.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> OTOH, if both of his homes are stress-free with well-adjusted parents, that's how he'll turn out.


I know that people always say this, but it's not a sure thing that two separate households will be any happier than the intact household.

if one or both of the parents still have issues after divorce, it could be equally if not more stressful for the kids.

I'm not saying divorce is never the answer, just that it's not guaranteed to be better.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Your wife_ never_ wanted to leave you; the reason I say this, is that she complained when you would go and do stuff without her.
> 
> I know she whined when she went with you. She doesn't want hiking. She wants your devotion and attention.
> 
> ...



Thank you! for real! 

My own person has been dead for a long while now. That was excellent wording. 

If it werent for the kid, I'd be out the door. 

But i do feel I owe it to the kid make every last effort. MY conscience will also probably thank me down the road that even if it doesnt work out, that i made a strong attempt to make it work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what, exactly, ARE you going to do to 'work on' this marriage?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

turnera said:


> So what, exactly, ARE you going to do to 'work on' this marriage?


Thats were im stuck, right now, im trying to be supportive of her and be caring in general. I'm not really sure what else i should be doing. 

If my heart isnt in it right now, then i'd be faking just like id been doing for a long time. Which obviously didnt work. 

I'm open to suggestions if you have any Turnera....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best thing you can do is start going to therapy, and dig down into why you're having these feelings. Let the IC help you decide if you really don't belong in this marriage, or if you're just going through a normal phase.

Are you aware of the physiology behind why people feel in love? There's a biological basis to wanting to be with one person, a bunch of chemicals that draw you two together, make you 'high' on love. And while you're going through it, you either attach to that person...or you don't. The chemicals don't stick around together (a few years at most) and, once they're gone, you're left with determining if you really 'love' that person without the drug, or you don't. But just because you don't feel that high anymore, it doesn't mean you don't love her. 

Those same chemicals appear if you start an affair. That's why people in affairs do some REALLY STUPID things, like give up their kids or their jobs or their money just to be around the AP: they're high on the drug. If you went looking right now, you'd find an AP, and you'd convince yourself you're 'in love' with that person and NOT in love with your wife. That's why people are cautioning you: you can't trust your own brain atm.

That is why I want you to go to IC to see what is REALLY going on in you. Because I'd hate to see you give up this marriage just because you're having a typical 7-year itch.

Here are some articles:

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=pea chemical

https://www.google.com/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=love chemicals


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

turnera said:


> The best thing you can do is start going to therapy, and dig down into why you're having these feelings. Let the IC help you decide if you really don't belong in this marriage, or if you're just going through a normal phase.
> 
> Are you aware of the physiology behind why people feel in love? There's a biological basis to wanting to be with one person, a bunch of chemicals that draw you two together, make you 'high' on love. And while you're going through it, you either attach to that person...or you don't. The chemicals don't stick around together (a few years at most) and, once they're gone, you're left with determining if you really 'love' that person without the drug, or you don't. But just because you don't feel that high anymore, it doesn't mean you don't love her.
> 
> ...


Thanks Turn, 

I started IC this week and have another appt next week. The 1st appt really didnt accomplish anything in my book i guess but i didnt expect it to either.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Nah, the first one or two are catch-up. But be sure you go in with a specific goal - they could be helping you with a million things, so help them zone in on something that will accomplish what I described above.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I'd like some outside insight, 


MY wife says shes still 100% in our relationship and has never wanted anything more. But in the same sentence she can say things like, "I've been looking at houses" or even as far as "when we get divorced, how much money do i get" 

I realize that these could be legitimate questions or concerns, but if she was really as committed to fixing us as she says, would she really be looking at houses or worried about how much money she will get if we do divorce?
I realize she has to look out for herself but it seems like maybe she is more talk than walk??
Give me your insight.....


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> I'd like some outside insight,
> 
> 
> MY wife says shes still 100% in our relationship and has never wanted anything more. But in the same sentence she can say things like, "I've been looking at houses" or even as far as "when we get divorced, how much money do i get"
> ...


a few thoughts:

1. her response is reasonable given that you've recently indicated that you're on the fence.

2. emotions are not logical. it's possible to have conflicting emotions at the same time

3. she is likely to be even more emotional than usual now that she is pregnant

4. you are going to need to be super solid to reassure her given where she is at right now (lack of confidence in you + pregnant). 

if you actually want to give this a legit shot, just let whatever she says pass through you and demonstrate through your actions that you are 100% there. 

if you can get through the full pregnancy/birth, this may become old news. 

that is your best shot, again if you are really serious about trying to make it work.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Let me give you a completely different perspective. I was 30 once. I was an amateur competitive athlete and I got together with my group every weekend to practice. I married when I was 35 and I continued to workout regularly while my wife stayed home with the kids. 

Fast forward 20 years. I had a sports injury that took me out of the game and later I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Now my wife goes to the gym regularly and I sit on the couch with an ice pack on my back. We watch TV together and she gives me back rubs.

There's more to life than your marriage. But life is more than 30 years and youth is fleeting. 

Don't do anything you'll regret 20 years from now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ol'Pal said:


> I realize that these could be legitimate questions or concerns, but if she was really as committed to fixing us as she says, would she really be looking at houses or worried about how much money she will get if we do divorce?
> I realize she has to look out for herself but it seems like maybe she is more talk than walk??
> Give me your insight.....


IMO, it's a woman thing. We are (usually) practical, have had to be over the thousands of years, to keep the kids safe, to stay alive, to gather the pot and the loom and the other essentials...in other words, I think it's a woman's lot in life to think ahead see all possibilities. IMO, it's not her saying things won't work out; it's her saying she'll make sure she survives if they don't.


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## Fere222 (Jul 25, 2016)

Stop and think back to when you felt attracted or in love with her. If you could feel that way again, would you feel differently now? 
What could she do or change to make you feel differently?
If you see no hope when you answer these questions, and maybe you should consider ending the marriage. If you feel there is hope, you need to work on that. 
.......I just read there is a child coming? That complicates things. Which would change my response in ending the marriage. You need to try and bring back the spark that you once had. You need to sit and have a talk with her also. I hope you two can find a way to make this into a great marriage - for yourselves and the child. Marriage is give-and-take. You both have to try to make it work. Best of luck!


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

I made it a point to spend sunday with her, we had an enjoyable day without it being to stressful considering the circumstances. Which i guess would be called progress.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

We had a good talk this weekend. I told her if she can get to a place where she can be ok with me going out and doing things i enjoy(getting my own person back alive and well again) that we can give our marriage a serious shot. 

She says she can do this and be ok with it. My biggest hang up right now is that I don't really think she can. I can see her 6 months or a year from now going to go right back to her old ways of hating when im out doing stuff or gone on a trip and ill be right back to feeling guilty AF about having my own person back. 

Looking back, I've seriously done nothing but what she wants for the past 7 years. My biggest problem is that she doesn't feel liek i ever do anything she wants. 

Her friends husbands/BF's have become my friends, My friends have long been alienated from my life for the most part. I really have nothing in common other than small talk with these other people. They're good people, just not people I'd seek out to be friends with. I'm never doing that again under any circumstances. A large portion of this is on me no doubt but No wonder i was miserable! 

any input and thoughts are always welcome!


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If this is the way she has been throughout the marriage, I hope you realize that that is reflection of her own insecurities. It really has nothing to do with you.

Perhaps she has some preconceived notions about what a marriage is supposed to look like, i.e. that you two are supposed to be together all the time... or perhaps she worries about what you are doing "behind her back", that you are cheating on her, etc.

Is there a history of cheating in her family? What kind of relationship did her parents/grandparents have? 

It is important for you to live a genuine life that you can be happy with. You have experienced what living for someone else has done to you and are now understandably unwilling to continue on that path. I don't blame you. 

But, so far, it sounds like she is willing to work with you. It sounds workable. Be supportive and understanding...and firm when you need to be.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Ol'Pal said:


> We had a good talk this weekend. I told her if she can get to a place where she can be ok with me going out and doing things i enjoy(getting my own person back alive and well again) that we can give our marriage a serious shot.
> 
> She says she can do this and be ok with it. My biggest hang up right now is that I don't really think she can. I can see her 6 months or a year from now going to go right back to her old ways of hating when im out doing stuff or gone on a trip and ill be right back to feeling guilty AF about having my own person back.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you have no business being married. Everything you describe is typical married life. There is nothing wrong with your wife. If that's not what you want then you need to leave so that she can get a real husband.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I agree you shouldn't be married. Especially since you want to "Go out and party with the boys have fun with women, Come home when I want, without feeling guilty about it." I'm sure you'll be fine since you're in the best shape of your life. No worries about your wife of 7 years and unborn child. Priorities!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a book for you. It is SPECIFICALLY written for men in your position. It's called Hold On To Your N.U.T.s

It says you SHOULD have your own life, but ONLY after you recognize that you chose your wife and family, so it has to be your #1 priority. Once you do that, you can still be your own person (within reason) without guilt.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> If this is the way she has been throughout the marriage, I hope you realize that that is reflection of her own insecurities. It really has nothing to do with you.
> 
> Perhaps she has some preconceived notions about what a marriage is supposed to look like, i.e. that you two are supposed to be together all the time... or perhaps she worries about what you are doing "behind her back", that you are cheating on her, etc.
> 
> ...


You nailed it Tron, 

She used to tell me all the time that she would always tell her mom to "just leave him" growing up in reference to her dad and his probably cheating ways.

I've learned that i have to have a life that makes me happy for sure. And i will from this point onward. I cannot live any other way from here on out. I was dying a slow miserable death from the inside out.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Thank you both KC and FF. I do appreciate your input even if its not what i want to hear. Believe me when i do say i take it to heart to hear what you all have to say. 

Thanks Turnera, Ill look up that book.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> She used to tell me all the time that she would always tell her mom to "just leave him" growing up in reference to her dad and his probably cheating ways.


Ol Pal, This is not normal. And this tells me that you guys haven't talked about it that much either. At least not in detail.

I honestly would start digging into it with her. Time to have those difficult conversations. Figure out what this is about because getting a handle on it could make a big difference in your marriage, and ultimately the relationship you and her have with your new child.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Tron said:


> Ol Pal, This is not normal. And this tells me that you guys haven't talked about it that much either. At least not in detail.
> 
> I honestly would start digging into it with her. Time to have those difficult conversations. Figure out what this is about because getting a handle on it could make a big difference in your marriage, and ultimately the relationship you and her have with your new child.


Thanks Tron, 

All i really know about it is that her dad is a lying, cheating, and very manipulative person. I see all those things myself. His family is either blind to it or just pretends that it isnt/doesnt happen.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

That is a big deal!

I'd say that some MC might be very helpful for you both. Because, at the end of the day, unless there is a lot you have not discussed with us here, you are not her dad. And her treating you like you are is poisoning the M.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> We had a good talk this weekend. I told her if she can get to a place where she can be ok with me going out and doing things i enjoy(getting my own person back alive and well again) that we can give our marriage a serious shot.


good that you are feeling a bit better about things, bad that you are hanging it on her to approve of whatever it is you enjoy doing on your own.

your life is your life. You do what you want and don't need her to approve it.

She is _in_ your life. You choose to make her a _part_ of it.

If she has a problem with you doing the things you enjoy, ignore her. Let her know that you'd prefer to not have to wall off a portion of your life from her, but that if she is negative, you'll have to do that. 

Don't be angry about this or make it personal-- it's just cause and effect.

Let her see you won't take it personally and then there is a good chance she won't either.

You don't have to like all of the same things. 



Ol'Pal said:


> She says she can do this and be ok with it. My biggest hang up right now is that I don't really think she can. I can see her 6 months or a year from now going to go right back to her old ways of hating when im out doing stuff or gone on a trip and ill be right back to feeling guilty AF about having my own person back.


your guilt is your issue. don't beat yourself up because you have things you enjoy that don't involve her.

remember, she chose to marry you knowing that you liked these things.



Ol'Pal said:


> Looking back, I've seriously done nothing but what she wants for the past 7 years. My biggest problem is that she doesn't feel liek i ever do anything she wants.


again, you dug your own grave here. you will have to dig yourself out.

nobody can make you stop doing things. you chose to stop. so don't blame her.

she can't make you stop now. let her know you'll be taking up these things again. say it would be great if you were interested too but no big deal if not.

be prepared for an adjustment period on her part. don't blame her if she is annoyed. just ignore it and soon it will seem natural to her. 



Ol'Pal said:


> Her friends husbands/BF's have become my friends, My friends have long been alienated from my life for the most part. I really have nothing in common other than small talk with these other people. They're good people, just not people I'd seek out to be friends with. I'm never doing that again under any circumstances. A large portion of this is on me no doubt but No wonder i was miserable!
> 
> any input and thoughts are always welcome!


again, it's your own fault that you've allowed yourself to lose touch with your friends.

if you can re-ignite these friendships, you should.

or you can just try to be content with being more solitary.

you don't have to pretend to be friends with people. if you actually don't like them, you can say, I really don't enjoy hanging out with so and so. It's really up to you.

Bottom line is that it sounds like, like a lot of guys, you've become pretty complacent and your wife has filled the vacuum with her own presence.

you're not the same person as her, so you are now suffocating with the realization that her deal has taken yours over.

that's your fault, not hers and you should not blame her for that.

reassert your independence, make it about you, not about her, and don't get surprised/angry if she is annoyed for a while as she adjusts.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> good that you are feeling a bit better about things, bad that you are hanging it on her to approve of whatever it is you enjoy doing on your own.
> 
> your life is your life. You do what you want and don't need her to approve it.
> 
> ...


Your post are always on point Anon. Thank you!

The things you have posted here is exactly what I'm doing and its nice to hear from an outside unbiased perspective that im on the right track. I;m relearning how to live my life for me, And id love for her to be a part of it. But thats her call to make I guess. I refuse to go back to being the door mat that i've been our entire relationship. 

I 100% totally know I've dug my own grave, but im gunna keep digging and soon i'll come out on the other side. I know this isnt a fast process. But i dont want to be wasting my life and time if she really doesnt think she can be ok with me being my own independent person.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Your post are always on point Anon. Thank you!
> 
> The things you have posted here is exactly what I'm doing and its nice to hear from an outside unbiased perspective that im on the right track. I;m relearning how to live my life for me, And id love for her to be a part of it. But thats her call to make I guess. I refuse to go back to being the door mat that i've been our entire relationship.
> 
> I 100% totally know I've dug my own grave, but im gunna keep digging and soon i'll come out on the other side. I know this isnt a fast process. But i dont want to be wasting my life and time if she really doesnt think she can be ok with me being my own independent person.


my guess is that at first she will be really annoyed that you're being more independent.

this will be exacerbated by the fact that she's pregnant. it may seem to her at first that you're "doing this to her" or that you're trying to run away from responsibility in some fashion.

you should anticipate these reactions on her part so that you won't be surprised/angry when they happen.

humor and good vibes are your friends. when she gets cranky because you are going to meet up with old friends or do one of your hobbies, just keep it light and give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just caught off guard by the changes. then go do you're thing, come home and be nice, fun and responsive to her.

when you're there with her, you're really there. when you're doing your own thing, you're really there. there is no competition between the two. you doing your own thing allows you to be really there with her when you're there.

over time she will see that you are happier and more able to be invested in your time with her when you have a full, independent existence without her.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Your post are always on point Anon. Thank you!
> 
> The things you have posted here is exactly what I'm doing and its nice to hear from an outside unbiased perspective that im on the right track. I;m relearning how to live my life for me, And id love for her to be a part of it. But thats her call to make I guess. I refuse to go back to being the door mat that i've been our entire relationship.
> 
> I 100% totally know I've dug my own grave, but im gunna keep digging and soon i'll come out on the other side. I know this isnt a fast process. But i dont want to be wasting my life and time if she really doesnt think she can be ok with me being my own independent person.


my guess is that at first she will be really annoyed that you're being more independent.

this will be exacerbated by the fact that she's pregnant. it may seem to her at first that you're "doing this to her" or that you're trying to run away from responsibility in some fashion.

you should anticipate these reactions on her part so that you won't be surprised/angry when they happen.

humor and good vibes are your friends. when she gets cranky because you are going to meet up with old friends or do one of your hobbies, just keep it light and give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just caught off guard by the changes. then go do your thing, come home and be nice, fun and responsive to her.

when you're there with her, you're really there. when you're doing your own thing, you're really there. there is no competition between the two. you doing your own thing allows you to be really there with her when you're there.

over time she will see that you are happier and more able to be invested in your time with her when you have a full, independent existence without her.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> my guess is that at first she will be really annoyed that you're being more independent.
> 
> this will be exacerbated by the fact that she's pregnant. it may seem to her at first that you're "doing this to her" or that you're trying to run away from responsibility in some fashion.
> 
> ...



I've already noticed the angry and annoyed emotions. I just let them roll off like water on a ducks back. Last week though, she even admitted that she could see i was happier. 

She goes back and forth from being accepting of me being me and being mad about it. I'll hope with time the latter will become more and more.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> I've already noticed the angry and annoyed emotions. I just let them roll off like water on a ducks back. Last week though, she even admitted that she could see i was happier.
> 
> She goes back and forth from being accepting of me being me and being mad about it. I'll hope with time the latter will become more and more.


she's testing you to see if you are playing games.

she probably _thinks _she'd be happier if you were in a box and just with her all the time.

but then you would be unhappy and lame and that would not be very attractive for her.

she will eventually see that things will be better for her too when you have more of a happy, independent existence.

it won't resonate for her until you prove it, and that is what you're doing step by step now.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> she's testing you to see if you are playing games.
> 
> she probably _thinks _she'd be happier if you were in a box and just with her all the time.
> 
> ...



You are so spot on its scary! Do you do this for a living?

Just the other day she said "I feel like youre playing games with me"


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> You are so spot on its scary! Do you do this for a living?
> 
> Just the other day she said "I feel like youre playing games with me"


I've lived it bro

it's a pretty common scenario


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> I've already noticed the angry and annoyed emotions. I just let them roll off like water on a ducks back. Last week though, she even admitted that she could see i was happier.
> 
> She goes back and forth from being accepting of me being me and being mad about it. I'll hope with time the latter will become more and more.


Just swat that $hit away. 



Ol'Pal said:


> Just the other day she said "I feel like youre playing games with me"


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

And when you make it fun for her, everybody wins.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Friday night a buddy called me and said he was having a few people over, Going to play some yard games and grill out. 

I told my wife i was going to go over to his place and before i could even get out "would you like to come" she started putting the guilt trip on. I decided she was no longer invited at this point. I was mad but stayed calm and saw it for what it was, and told myself to just continue getting ready and not let it bother me, which i did at least on the outside. When she saw that I was not reacting to the guilt trip, she freaked out. This was when i completely quit listening to her yelling and babbling. I got ready and left, went and enjoyed the night. 

She says that she can be ok with me being my own person but these events have happened again and again since the beginning of June when i voiced that i wasn't happy. So will these events get better as she gets used to this change or as she gets comfortable in our relationship again will it only get worse, say 6-12-18 months down the road? 

I really believe the latter will happen and if so, i'm just wasting my time trying.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Ol'Pal said:


> Friday night a buddy called me and said he was having a few people over, Going to play some yard games and grill out.
> 
> I told my wife i was going to go over to his place and before i could even get out "would you like to come" she started putting the guilt trip on. I decided she was no longer invited at this point. I was mad but stayed calm and saw it for what it was, and told myself to just continue getting ready and not let it bother me, which i did at least on the outside. When she saw that I was not reacting to the guilt trip, she freaked out. This was when i completely quit listening to her yelling and babbling. I got ready and left, went and enjoyed the night.
> 
> ...


I would say it may take 6 months. You have to be very consistent.

it's also exacerbated in your case because your wife is pregnant and she is unclear regarding your motives since you recently expressed lack of commitment to the marriage. 

these factors amplify the need to be very consistent and unemotional about this approach.

you did the right thing on the barbeque. hopefully, when you came home, you were nice and pleasant as if you had just done something very ordinary. 

it's important to not allow her anger to cause you to react with anger. 

you are just living your life and if she is upset by that, it is her problem.

you should expect that the tests will get more and more hysterical before they get better. you have to just keep doing your thing, ignoring it and not blaming her when she freaks out. 

if you do this with total consistency, she will eventually stop and actually like you better and it will be a non-issue. 

you just have to have more patience than her and outlast her.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> I would say it may take 6 months. You have to be very consistent.
> 
> it's also exacerbated in your case because your wife is pregnant and she is unclear regarding your motives since you recently expressed lack of commitment to the marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks Anon, 

That's my plan and I'll stick to it.


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