# I pushed a great guy away ... Now what?



## confused_angel (Jan 4, 2015)

Need some advice and thoughts on how to fix a friendship / relationship. 

Background: the last 4-5 years of my marriage kept getting worse even through to the end. My now ex-husband is a narcissist. I even had to get an Order Of Protection against him. It was extremely stressful and most of it a blur. Away my divorce was finalized 9 months ago.

During the past 2 years or so a friend of my brothers was always so caring and would always see how I was doing. I know he went through a divorce after finding out his wife was cheating. I figured he was just being supportive for the situation. 

Fast forward to the past year he would get me out of the house and was always keeping me busy and my mind off things as much as he could. Really started falling for him. He seemed interested since he sent me flowers and went to dinner on Valentine's Day. Friends started saying to take it slow and saying I shouldn't get into a relationship cause it was too soon. But I started to pull away. Plus in May I found out my ex remarried after being divorced for a month only. That brought back a lot of the anger / sadness / hurt / etc. I didn't want to bring my baggage into another relationship. So I pushed this guy away not realizing I was. 

Now I know he is avoiding me and i really can't blame him. I have randomly asked him about getting together since July after going to counseling to work through stuff from my marriage and letting go of it all. 

I would like the chance to explain this to him and told him a week ago that I really needed to talk to him and have so since August. He agreed but then cancelled the day of. I would rather do face to face but wondering if sending an email would be fine.

Just want him to know it wasn't intentional. Just not good timing with how horrible and difficult my ex made the divorce. 

So would it be cheesy to write an email?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Face to face may be hard for him as he may have his own issues.
A email may be the best way to express yourself. IMO.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If he does not respond, let him go. His canceling and not rescheduling is not a good sign. You may just have saved yourself from another troubled person, no matter how nice he may have seemed.

Focus on yourself and your recovery. When the time is right, the right person will come along. And he won't need handholding.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You have tried to contact him around July of last year. He agreed to meet with you in August. He cancelled this meeting. This is an indication that he is no longer interested in you. He might have someone else in tow. Move on and heal yourself before getting into another relationship.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> If he does not respond, let him go. His canceling and not rescheduling is not a good sign. You may just have saved yourself from another *troubled person, *no matter how nice he may have seemed.
> 
> Focus on yourself and your recovery. When the time is right, the right person will come along. And he won't need handholding.


someone who gets blown off and decides to get off the merry go round isn't troubled. They are wisely moving on


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Op you could try writing the email. It sounds like he moved off though. Maybe too little to late but maybe it will help you with closure to try or maybe he will decide to give it another chance. Either way not much downside in trying.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

confused_angel said:


> Need some advice and thoughts on how to fix a friendship / relationship.
> 
> Background: the last 4-5 years of my marriage kept getting worse even through to the end. My now ex-husband is a narcissist. I even had to get an Order Of Protection against him. It was extremely stressful and most of it a blur. Away my divorce was finalized 9 months ago.
> 
> ...


I would just move on. It sounds like he is not interested.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> someone who gets blown off and decides to get off the merry go round isn't troubled. They are wisely moving on


I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Go ahead and send the email. Even if he never responds, you will feel better knowing you extended the effort.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

jld said:


> I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


I agree. He may not be as wonderful as you think.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

If you won't be able to let him go without trying, send that email. We don't know the circumstances of how you pushed him away. If you think it is worth the effort do it. I don't think it is cheesy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Give him a 2nd chance. Ask to meet again, if he refuses or no show again.....move on. Everyone deserves a 2nd chance but not 3rd. I can also be that he found someone new.......no big deal, don't make it one.

Tell him you were not ready/needed time to heal after marriage. You didn't want a rebound type of situation. You taking your time and making sure you are ready is a GOOD THING. Any decent men will appreciate that and respect it. 

Those that won't/don't....you want no part of to begin with.

Good luck


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

I would send him the email. Do not write an essay, he'll take one look at it and conclude you're doing a brain-dump on him and stop reading. Keep it short and to the point. Offering oral wouldn't hurt either.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

jld said:


> I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


:iagree:
And as someone who was divorced, he really should have understood her need for time and healing before delving into another relationship. 

He may have moved on though, met someone else. Or maybe he himself isn't in the right spot to start dating either. He could have troubles she doesn't know about. Unless she's kept in close contact with him, she has no way of knowing if he's in a good place/making good choices now.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


Agreed, and as a good "friend" he would also recommend above as well....rather than trying to force his way in etc.

Chances are high this guy is not someone OP really wants, BUT it's worth another shot......if the OP says "I needed more time" and he understands....there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He is the one who cancelled. He knows her interest is there. I think if he is interested, he will reach out.

OP, realize if you have to pursue him, you may have to keep pursuing him. If you are okay with taking on that responsibility, go ahead. Personally, I would not be.

It is not been a year since your divorce, right? I think you are still healing. 

Just relax and focus on creating a calm, emotionally stable life for yourself. The right guy will come along at the right time. He will not be pushy or needy or play games with you. You will not be anxious with him. Actually, his patience and understanding will calm and reassure _you._

Just tell yourself there are lots of good men out there, and when you are healed, you will be ready to be a delightful companion to one of the lucky ones. . That is what I would tell myself, anyway. Reduces the anxiety.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> someone who gets blown off and decides to get off the merry go round isn't troubled. They are wisely moving on



Nor do they need handholding. But the little jabs are cute aren't they?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Send a short, sweet, RATIONAL, e-mail explaining and apoligizing for being insecure so soon after your divorce.

If I were in his shoes and had been interested in you, AND wasn't seeing anyone ATM I'd at least offer a date to see where your head was.

Can't hurt.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

There should be no blame here.

This guy was not obligated to wait for you. None of us know the exact reason why he backed away, but frankly a lot of men are allergic to drama. Perhaps he realized he'd had enough with his own divorce and just wasn't interested in walking with you through yours. That's called self preservation.

The two of you weren't ready at the same time. Timing is everything in these matters. That's OK. You're not a bad guy and neither is he. 

If he's interested he'll contact you, since you've made it perfectly clear that you still want him in your life. But for now, let it go.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

First off I want to say that I agree she shouldn't rush things. OP should take her time and be herself first. If she isn't ready, she isn't ready, and I wouldn't knock her for deciding to not take things fast.

But I have to comment on some of the attitudes in this thread.

She pushes him away....so he stays away....and somehow he is a jerk, not mature or not so great in the first place? :scratchhead:


If she decides to push him away, then why would he be some immature child if he decides to stay away?



DoF said:


> Agreed, and as a good "friend" he would also recommend above as well....*rather than trying to force his way in* etc.


He's not, he is staying away.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jld said:


> I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


He tried. She rebuffed. Maturity doesn't have anything to do with that. Why would any man or woman voluntarily place themselves on the yo yo? I know I wouldn't.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

_So I pushed this guy away not realizing I was._

I think we may understand his subsequent actions a little more if you provide some more detail here. How rough a push was this?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

jld said:


> I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


And a wise man might have done precisely what he's done.

Maturity makes him a better man. Wisdom gives him the sense of when to not bother. 

Since we're all just speculating anyway.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

jld said:


> I think a mature man who really loved her would have patiently waited for her to be ready.


And I think a mature man who would have figured out he did not love her after all would have still met her or talked to her. He would have politely and tactfully indicated that he was no longer interested.

I think cancelling at the last minute with no real explanation is not mature.


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## Pinche Culero (Jan 5, 2015)

Maybe it is time for one or both to conquer the fear of rejection and simply reach out to the other.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Duguesclin said:


> And I think a mature man who would have figured out he did not love her after all would have still met her or talked to her. He would have politely and tactfully indicated that he was no longer interested.
> 
> I think cancelling at the last minute with no real explanation is not mature.



The OP stated clear as day the following:



> "Fast forward to the past year he would get me out of the house and was always keeping me busy and my mind off things as much as he could. Really started falling for him. He seemed interested since he sent me flowers and went to dinner on Valentine's Day. Friends started saying to take it slow and saying I shouldn't get into a relationship cause it was too soon. But* I started to pull away*. Plus in May I found out my ex remarried after being divorced for a month only. That brought back a lot of the anger / sadness / hurt / etc. I didn't want to bring my baggage into another relationship. *So I pushed this guy away not realizing I was*."


Am I missing something? The OP of this thread states that SHE pushed this guy away. Based off recommendations from friends the first time, and then later having a reaction to her ex moving on, she continues to push him away.

On what planet, dear Lord, is this man immature for simply obliging her desire to be left alone? How is the OP not being called immature since she leaves no indication that she actually sat down with him and explained her decision to pull away?

There is a lot of projection going on in this thread, and it seems to stem from a desire to perpetuate the usual "men are childish pigs" stereotype, even to the extent of basically ignoring a female OP who states STRAIGHT UP that she pushed HIM away and she doesn't even blame him for respecting her actions.

We also have absolutely no reason why he cancelled plans with her. You all are assuming it's for some nefarious or immature reason. For crying out loud it was Christmas time. Maybe something legitimate came up at the last minute that required more attention than keeping a lunch date with somebody who randomly decided to push him away, and then return when it was convenient for her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jaquen said:


> The OP stated clear as day the following:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


yep the men must endure and women get a pass attitude here is laughable at best. Downright nauseating at its worse. Welcome to TAM


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Duguesclin said:


> And I think a mature man who would have figured out he did not love her after all would have still met her or talked to her.


Wow, you got him being in love awfully quick there.

And even if he did love her, she pushed him away. Some people know when not to bother.




> He would have politely and tactfully indicated that he was no longer interested.


As politely and tactfully as she pushed him away? If one expects courtesy, it needs to be reciprocated. Just sayin'

Again, not that I think OP should not take it slow. But perhaps she needed to talk to him about her feelings rather than in some odd way pushing him away. But as long as some people want to paint him as some sort of jerk, then perhaps a little consistency in how first he was treated is in order. 
I'm not saying she is immature or an ass of some sort. But for those that want to assign those attributes to him, then consistency would dictate they should assign those to her as well.

And just how was this "pushing away" done? Did she talk to him about her fears, concerns? Or did she not answer calls, act odd, annoyed? We aren't getting a good idea of how she pushed him away, and it may be for good reason why she is not saying.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Pinche Culero said:


> Maybe it is time for one or both to conquer the fear of rejection and simply reach out to the other.


Indeed, PC, that is the way I am reading this.

Scuse me folks, but falling for someone hard and getting pushed away hard is a lot more painful than you think to simply brush it off as immature.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> yep the men must endure and women get a pass attitude here is laughable at best. Downright nauseating at its worse. Welcome to TAM


Oh please...


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh please...


With the known attitude of at least one particular poster, Wolf hit the nail on the head. Poster enters a thread and suggests men suck it up because women have good reason to do what they do. 

Then the thread starts the gender war crap.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

vellocet said:


> With the known attitude of at least one particular poster, Wolf hit the nail on the head. Certain people will enter a thread and suggest men suck it up because women have good reason to do what they do.
> 
> Then the thread starts the gender war crap.


Hmmm....

>reading back through thread...<


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Hmmm....
> 
> >reading back through thread...<


Don't want to hijack, so if you want to know PM me.

Getting back to the thread, OP, all you can do is contact him, explain your thought process and that it isn't him. If you want this "great guy" just explain you want to take things slow. He will either be agreeable or not. 

It could be all just a matter of the way you "pushed him away" and he felt disrespected. You could assure him that's not the case.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> He tried. She rebuffed. Maturity doesn't have anything to do with that. Why would any man or woman voluntarily place themselves on the yo yo? I know I wouldn't.


He didn't try, few months out of divorce is still too soon.

He didn't have to be in stand by at all, but just tell her "when you are ready I would love to date you" >>>>>meanwhile go off and date others.

No need for yo yo


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I can easily see why the man walked away.. I think he did the best thing -for himself.. some "self preservation" is wise.. Yes..

Who wants to stick around with another , no matter how much he was into her.. who is toying with his emotions , pushing away his giving spirit to help her through whatever she was going through.. he sounded like a real Gentleman to me -who had enough respect for himself to see.. this wasn't working...she doesn't want me or care about me... her actions spoke this......there are other fish in the sea...We can't will another to want us...and time may never bring that about anyway.. 

At the very least *she* wasn't being honest with how she was feeling , more listening to others/friends/ their advice over confiding in HIM...letting him know "It's not you.. please be patient with me"... it could have made all the difference ... . *or did she just show an uncaring, uninterested attitude to push him away ?*...

These questions needs answered by the Original poster..

We need more detail to get a feel of what he was dealing with.. maybe she left him hanging , canceling dates nearing the end... 

If so , it would make sense he blew her off for one..though if it was me.. I would give an explanation anyway (Yes, he could have taken the time for this much).... Communication is good!

But not everyone feels this way... those who "blow off" I am assuming aren't big into explaining why they are acting the way they do... so if they get a similar response by the person they did this to...well....all's fair in love & war... Enter "game playing" I guess.. 

Just assuming here of course.. it's a shame in our society today, the common way to end a relationship is a Text message or just not showing up.. It seems a part of the culture.. I don't agree with it at all .. 

If I was the original poster....and I realized I made a horrendous mistake with this sweet Gentleman who walked into my life.. that I PUSHED A GOOD GUY AWAY.. even if unintentionally.... I would probably take the time to bare my heart in a letter to him.. (and expect rejection at the same time) but you never know.. it's worth his learning where you were at (since this was the missing piece- not shown when he was beside you giving you flowers and trying to be there for you in your time of need)...

He may have found someone else..if you care enough about someone.. Love IS worth that risk.. go for it.. Yet I still understand why he walked away.. I don't see him as a Jerk at all.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

DoF said:


> He didn't try, few months out of divorce is still too soon.


I agree with this. But then again, others are saying, "but if he loved her....." Really, that soon? Which is it? Has it been long enough for him to be in love with her? Or is it too soon?




> He didn't have to be in stand by at all, but just tell her "when you are ready I would love to date you"


Depends on the manner in which she pushed him away. OP needs to clarify just how she did this? Did she avoid his calls? Did she rudely tell him to back off?

To me, "pushed away" doesn't insinuate a sincere talk about needing to take things slow, but rather indirect game playing rather than coming right out and discussing this with him. But OP will have to clarify.





> No need for yo yo


The "yo yo" more than likely is the way she "pushed him away"

He isn't yo yoing. His Duncan is up and staying there.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

vellocet said:


> I agree with this. But then again, others are saying, "but if he loved her....." Really, that soon? Which is it? Has it been long enough for him to be in love with her? Or is it too soon?


I do believe in FAST LOVE.....as I've been a victim of it in the past.....so maybe, I can believe that.

Regardless, love or not, if you care about someone and want to pursuit a relationship with them...it's in YOUR and THEIR best interest to give them time to heal/make sure they are ready.

I know love blinds people and they want to speed up that process.....but it's not smart IMO.



vellocet said:


> Depends on the manner in which she pushed him away. OP needs to clarify just how she did this? Did she avoid his calls? Did she rudely tell him to back off?
> 
> To me, "pushed away" doesn't insinuate a sincere talk about needing to take things slow, but rather indirect game playing rather than coming right out and discussing this with him. But OP will have to clarify.
> 
> ...


Yep


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Oh please...


oh please what are you saying a few posters don't have that attitude here?:rofl::rofl:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> He didn't try, few months out of divorce is still too soon.
> 
> He didn't have to be in stand by at all, but just tell her "when you are ready I would love to date you" >>>>>meanwhile go off and date others.
> 
> No need for yo yo


Well and that's what I'm advocating. And maybe he found someone in the mean time and good for him. What I was speaking about was the guy should stand on the sideline and wait till she is ready I wouldn't recommend that for anyone male or female. If you're on the same page at the same time great if not move on. That's has nothing to do with maturity or being damaged.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Makes me wonder what some of the posters here would say if op came here and said "I've pushed this guy away but he just won't take no for an answer"


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The OP never came back after her first post.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Keep the email short and direct


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