# I think there is a connection between WS Infidelity & Struggling w/ Identity



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Before I got married I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't become a Siamese twin to my husband to keep my own hobbies and interest to not lose myself with just being "the wife". Now I have been married a few years now and after this weekend I thought about identity. And what I mean by that is, I have my own identity besides being married, I have my own interests, hobbies, etc. I mean it can be cute (sort of) but sometimes really annoying when I hear other married couples/and or couples that go on and on with the we do this and we do that, or we don't like that and we like this... ok I get it you have a great marriage and are connected to the hip whoo hoo but geeze. I remember thinking to myself I didn't ask about you two I was asking "You" personally a question. (Saying this in a joking way btw). 

I noticed lately (at least with some of the stories I read) a connection between spouses that have cheated on the BS who is hard working and dedicated and in some cases is it is the WS that is a SAHM/D. So for those of you that have been cheated on did you discover that other things were a factor such as identity crisis, somehow being stuck in a "rut" contributed. Anyone on TAM go through this? What are your thoughts on this? Now don't get me wrong I'm a firm believer that if a person is going to cheat they will. No matter what the circumstances are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

krismimo said:


> Before I got married I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't become a Siamese twin to my husband to keep my own hobbies and interest to not lose myself with just being "the wife". Now I have been married a few years now and after this weekend I thought about identity. And what I mean by that is, I have my own identity besides being married, I have my own interests, hobbies, etc. I mean it can be cute (sort of) but sometimes really annoying when I hear other married couples/and or couples that go on and on with the we do this and we do that, or we don't like that and we like this... ok I get it you have a great marriage and are connected to the hip whoo hoo but geeze. I remember thinking to myself I didn't ask about you two I was asking "You" personally a question. (Saying this in a joking way btw).
> 
> I noticed lately (at least with some of the stories I read) a connection between spouses that have cheated on the BS who is hard working and dedicated and in some cases is it is the WS that is a SAHM/D._ So for those of you that have been cheated on did you discover that other things were a factor such as identity crisis, somehow being stuck in a "rut" contributed. Anyone on TAM go through this? _What are your thoughts on this? Now don't get me wrong I'm a firm believer that if a person is going to cheat they will. No matter what the circumstances are.


No... 

My husbands cheated because that is who they are.

We were never the connected at the hip type.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I know that ele I made that clear this question is really geared toward those that had dealt with infidelity with SAHM/D


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

My wife's affair was the manifestation of her personality crisis.

She was a SAHM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes, they find them selves with no regard to others that are connected.
WS work on finding them selve as an individual instead of finding them selves as a commited individual.

Kind of like one finding them selves means being single versus finding them selves as a commited individual with kids.

Its a choice " who am I as a spouse and parent" versus "who am I as my self"...with no regard to what one has started.

If you commit to someone else and bring babies into it then as an individual one has to take these poeple on as part of there individuality. If you commit to your self then be by your self and don't commit to a future spouse and the possiblity of bringing kids into your indiviuality.

My head hurts!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Is there a reason you're limiting this to SAHM/D?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It seems some SAHM lose there indenity were as some SAHM find there indenity.
Let us not forget the community we are all in at this moment is not the rest of the world. There are marriages out there that do not have to cope with infidelity. Us here at TAM are more exposed to it, thats all.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Absolutely my ex W was having an identity crisis, and I do think that her decision to have an affair was part of that for her.

She wasn't really a SAHM, but she didn't have a career either - she was a teachers aid and rehab worker before pregnancy but she had no desire to get back into that when she went on maternity leave, So after 10 months being SAHM she took in a few other kids for daycare, and later decided to follow her lifelong joy of taking care of others (by others I mean those who she didn't perceive as having done her wrong) by starting a home based esthetics studio, which eventually she built up and got into full time and out of daycare (which she despised as much as her previous jobs).

During that whole time her style was constantly changing, her friends were always shocked and always looked at me asking what I thought of it - and I was always supportive, but I will say it now that it's over, she was being quite ridiculous. The last change in style she went through while we were still married was very sexual, she even branched out into adult toy parties, though was genuinely interested in the niche eco friendly and consumer friendly products, but her fashion was getting very sexy (short dresses, more accessories, more make up) didn't take long and she was bragging to our mutual friends that she was just higher above me. I honestly can't even fathom what she was going through by the time she was hooking up in bars with young players, I know she was hurting but I was way too wrapped up in my own hurt and abandonment to even be able to reach out to her.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I agree with Ele.

WS cheat because they CAN do it.
People with ethics wont.

Has cheating anything to do with "identity"?


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

when you get past the anger it comes down to that question "why" everyone why is or how they come to that question varies.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Cedar to answer your question it is specifically geared toward SAHM/D because I noticed lately a higher number with spouses that have cheated were actually SAHP. I wondered for the BS if they simply agreed or disagreed since they were the ones that went through it.


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## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Lon said:


> Absolutely my ex W was having an identity crisis, and I do think that her decision to have an affair was part of that for her.
> 
> She wasn't really a SAHM, but she didn't have a career either - she was a teachers aid and rehab worker before pregnancy but she had no desire to get back into that when she went on maternity leave, So after 10 months being SAHM she took in a few other kids for daycare, and later decided to follow her lifelong joy of taking care of others (by others I mean those who she didn't perceive as having done her wrong) by starting a home based esthetics studio, which eventually she built up and got into full time and out of daycare (which she despised as much as her previous jobs).
> 
> During that whole time her style was constantly changing, her friends were always shocked and always looked at me asking what I thought of it - and I was always supportive, but I will say it now that it's over, she was being quite ridiculous. The last change in style she went through while we were still married was very sexual, she even branched out into adult toy parties, though was genuinely interested in the niche eco friendly and consumer friendly products, but her fashion was getting very sexy (short dresses, more accessories, more make up) didn't take long and she was bragging to our mutual friends that she was just higher above me. I honestly can't even fathom what she was going through by the time she was hooking up in bars with young players, I know she was hurting but I was way too wrapped up in my own hurt and abandonment to even be able to reach out to her.


Your wife sounds very ambitious but quite strange.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I have been a stay at home/work from home office mom for 10 years. I absolutely felt that I lost myself. Not having to put on dress clothes or heels to go to my office after my oldest was born, I put on jeans and a tshirt. My hubs had coworkers to go have a drink with after work sometimes - I didn't. We were military and moved around a lot, I didn't make friends because I never left work. Once I clocked out at 5, it was full time mommy again. 

Hubs and I were not joined at the hip, but we enjoyed each others company very much and wanted to be around each other all the time early in our marriage. We both changed. I was no longer as care free and I had the added stress of trying to be a fulltime mom, worker, housewife, all rolled into one. I had zero hours left in the day for me. I felt unappreciated and resentful at times. I sacrificed things for me so my husband and children could have. I lost my fire. HOWEVER, I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ONCE ABOUT CHEATING. I'll say this a thousand times. If either of us had a "reason" to cheat, it was me.


...so maybe that is why some SAHM/Ds cheat - however, there is no good excuse. I always tried to talk through issues and was the one to say we were in ruts and needed change. I tried to make that change - never tried to find "support" or "company" elsewhere. My love was always for my husband. I think a persons morals and integrity or lack of "permit" them to cheat. Some people will and some people won't.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes, I believe there is a link with sort of an “identity” thing. I call it “mask”. It’s also tied into needing external validation. So, my wife had several mask based on who she thought she should be to be accepted: Wife, mother, professional, one of the girls, party girl, lover, etc. She developed separate friendships to support and validate all these things she thought she should be. She was a different persona depending on situations and sometimes there were conflicts.

Such as going to an office party. With the big bosses, she needed a spouse and would drag me along. Yet, her co-workers were there as well as some of her happy-hour pals. I was presented at the formal dinners like a spouse she doted on and played my role. She’d also talk “shop” about the business to establish her professional side and get sorta miffed when the big boss would rather talk to me about cars or whatever and brush her off. Then at the after party, she’d rag on the job with co-workers about the lame speeches... eventually abandoning me to go do shots with the party guys, joke and mingle around (my job was done and I was left to fend for myself among strangers).

In my mind, we were a team. You know... I saw the priority list as 1. Us, 2. Kids, 3. Self... I only recognized to late that my wife saw herself as a individual and had split up her various associations to specific groups to satisfy and get that pat on the back and acceptance. She did this by assuming a persona she believed they wanted to see. Eventually that led to some looking at her as a sexual creature... and she wanted her pat on her back for being accepted like that too.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I identified my marriage as part of my life.

My emotionally unstable wife identified life as part of her marriage.

As Piaget tells us, she had an embedded personality and was dependent on her marriage to form her self identity. Eventually in this frame of mind her identity was lost and her affair was her feeble attempt to regain it. 

If she had had a vibrant career or something else like it from which to form her sense of self she would not have looked outside of herself for validation and had an affair.

JMO


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

My wife, who cheated after 12 years of marriage, claimed that. I have this great career, she's just a waitress and mom who "lost herself" and had no real place in the world. No identity. This, according to her, was a contributing factor to her betrayal.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

The-Decieved said:


> My wife, who cheated after 12 years of marriage, claimed that. I have this great career, she's just a waitress and mom who "lost herself" and had no real place in the world. No identity. This, according to her, was a contributing factor to her betrayal.


Similar time line and story from her.

In her weaker moments during our false R she told me how she had nothing while I had everything. (intellect, job, personal power etc).


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I have been a stay at home/work from home office mom for 10 years. I absolutely felt that I lost myself. Not having to put on dress clothes or heels to go to my office after my oldest was born, I put on jeans and a tshirt. My hubs had coworkers to go have a drink with after work sometimes - I didn't. We were military and moved around a lot, I didn't make friends because I never left work. Once I clocked out at 5, it was full time mommy again.
> 
> Hubs and I were not joined at the hip, but we enjoyed each others company very much and wanted to be around each other all the time early in our marriage. We both changed. I was no longer as care free and I had the added stress of trying to be a fulltime mom, worker, housewife, all rolled into one. I had zero hours left in the day for me. I felt unappreciated and resentful at times. I sacrificed things for me so my husband and children could have. I lost my fire. HOWEVER, I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT ONCE ABOUT CHEATING. I'll say this a thousand times. If either of us had a "reason" to cheat, it was me.
> 
> ...


I think you are my long lost sister....


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