# Facebook Causing Problems In Marriage



## italia78 (Mar 18, 2013)

Hello,
My husband has some serious trust issues with me. I don't feel he has ever trusted me and we have been together for 10 years. It is so bad I have to walk on eggshells about when I talk to him about normal things regarding other men. I mean innocent things like if I had a conversation with a male co-worker or if they did something funny at work. He always manages to turn it in to something where I was flirting with them or have something going on with them. It is ridiculous! I guess I have learned to adapt to the situation to keep the peace. I won't go to lunch with co-workers because I don't want to get interrogated. It has actually caused social anxiety for me I believe. Now facebook is a big issue. Every male friend (old high school friends) is questioned and there are more females and family members on my friend list. To really put the icing on the cake my ex-husband friended me. We had a mutual divorce and are not enemies. It simply just didn't work out and we are okay with that. He has remarried and I have remarried. I accepted his request because I felt it was harmless. He is thousands of miles away and has a family. We have messaged each other a couple of times and it was pretty much how are you and life is great. That is all. When I accepted his request I changed my friend list to private to avoid confrontation. Yes, that was sneaky and I accept responsibility for that. I should have kept it open since I had nothing to hide really. If my current husband wasn't so jealous and overbearing I feel I could have been open about it. My husband found out about me being friends with my ex because apparently he decided he wanted to do some of his sneaky detective work on me to see if he can find something. This time he did and he was ballistic. You would think I have been having an affair by seeing his reaction. He has gone in changed my facebook password and "blocked" my ex overnight. I am upset about this because this is my account and I should be the one making decisions. I know we are married but I am still an individual. It makes me want to delete my account period but I love to keep in touch with family on there. On one hand I want to back down and just keep the peace as I have through out this marriage and on the other I want to stand my ground and be friends with who I want and accept whatever consequences that come along. I love my husband to death. There are so many great things about him too but this side of him just makes me want to give up on the marriage. I am so torn and sick of explaining my every move and constantly being made feel guilty over things that are completely innocent. I need some advice. Please don't bother mentioning marriage counseling because he will not go. We went to one session years ago and he wouldn't go back because the counselor wasn't fully siding with him.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IMHO,

Facebook is not causing any problems.

Your husband’s lack of trust in you and your failed attempts at keeping secrets from him are causing the problems. FB is just a symptom.

Talk calmly to your husband about the situation, accept that there is fault on both sides and both agree to work at your relationship.
If your husband is unwilling to go to a counselor then are there other options available (a trusted mutual friend / someone from church / a family member) who could provide a sanity check.


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## AWorkInProgress (Dec 6, 2012)

Hello italia-

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. My husband also has similar insecurities based on his past relationships. We met in a social group (primariy made up of singles). It became a minefield at times with others not haveing appropriate boundaries and thus stretching ours. 

My husband and I had decided to define for ourselves what friendships are 'safe' for us. The friend had to be not only a friend of the individual but also a friend of the couple. One-on-one social gatherings (lunch, recreation, etc) were off limits.

It sounds like both you and your husband are working hard at protecting your egos versus really trying to find a way that honors each of you individually as well as the coupleship. I hear that your husband over-reacting to your actions of trying to maintain this individuality (above the coupleship). It sounds like you're working hard at being right...this whole dynamic is a downward spiral.

Perhaps there is another solution...

Take for example your friending of your ex....What purpose does it serve to stay connected with him? Is the benefit of maintaining this friendship with your ex bigger than the risk of hurting your husband? In this scenario, who are your trying to take care of? 

In the general sense of all interactions with men (such as in the workplace), I would suggest full disclosure of what any interaction was like. Also, I would suggest being very conscious in your decisions for socializing with male co-workers. It doesn't have to be eliminated altogether, but it would go a long way in caring for your husband, if you choose to make all interactions have the appearance of professionalism and avoid any situation that could give others a different perception.

My two cents.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

I do feel for you because I totally understand your stance of trying to keep the peace for the sake of him not going totally mad - trouble is, it's now back fired - Wiltshireman is right, it's trust that's the issue here.

Sit down with him when he's able to be calm and not defensive and tell him exactly how you feel - how much you love him, etc etc. That sometimes you feel for the sake of the peace your reasoning for doing certain things - that you're afraid of his reaction. It's not like you're doing anything "wrong" but you feel if you approached him or told him, he'd hit the roof - so when he "finds out" all hell breaks loose.

Does he have female friends he talks to? was he in a relationship prior to your marriage where his trust was betrayed? overall is he generally insecure?

I think the really sad thing is your need to keep quiet about things that shouldn't be a big deal, and in turn this rouses your H's suspicions - all very sad and unnecessary - you are not alone with this, my H has never really trusted me, no matter how often I've told him I love him - he even gets jealous when I'm with family and not him (even though he's always invited). 

Keep trying to talk to him - and if the talk becomes heated, argumentative or abusive, tell him you'll leave the conversation until he's ready to be rational - this is an ongoing thing between my H and I, he prefers the silent treatment to avoid our issues, but be firm and stand your ground. You can apologize for hurting his feelings (all unintentional of course), but explain you're afraid how he'll react.

Keep us updated...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's not reasonable for a person to expect their partner to cut off half the world's population for their own benefit. 

I think you trying to keep the peace only makes matters worse. Also, after ten years if he still doesn't trust you, that raises red flags in my mind. It's no wonder that others have cheated on him if he acts like this! 

Your FB account IS yours. For the sake of transparency, it'd be good to give him the password, but it's not ok for him to lock YOU out of your own account! 

Sometimes you'll see people on here talk about the difference between someone who is "not a friend of the marriage." I think this might be a good starting place for any discussion you have. You can tell your husband that you are no longer going to cut off half the world for his benefit because it hurts you and is insulting to you when he doesn't trust you. Let him know you are capable to figuring out people who are not friends of your marriage (which is anyone who takes steps to TRY driving a wedge between your husband and you), but that he is going to have to deal with it if he doesn't approve. Stop dealing with it for him. Let him be obsessive if he wants, check your phone and FB, etc. but do NOT let him interrogate you and don't do anything sneaky. Go to lunch, talk about it, but if his questions start getting invasive, say, "This is your insecurity talking and I am not going to coddle that."


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm a bit worried about his not liking a counselor because the MC didn't 'side' with him. This could be my projecting due to ex's narcissism but he was both jealous and always right. And that can be very difficult to live with.

Hiding being friends with the ex was wrong and I know why you did it. It is no fun walking on eggshells - I did it for 15 years. 

I would sit him down and tell him that you have never even entertained the idea of cheating and although it was wrong of you to hide your friend list, you aren't a child and the distrust is killing the relationship and he needs to get a grip on that and find out why he's so distrusting if you've never given him a reason to not trust you. Ask him to try MC again to help you two solve the problem and have him choose the counselor. 

Meanwhile, I'm curious - does he match the following description?
- Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
- Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
- Requires excessive admiration
- Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations
- Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
- Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others
- Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her
- Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes 



Just curious as to whether I'm perceptive or projecting here.


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## italia78 (Mar 18, 2013)

Yes, I agree that no trust in me is the main issue in our marriage not facebook. I feel I am in a catch 22 situation because I feel I can't be upfront and open about "normal" things which makes me tip-toe around and by this it makes me appear to be a suspect all of the time. I do want to make it clear about my comment regarding male co-workers. I don't socialize much here at my office. I stay in my office most of the time and if anyone talks to me it is usually them coming in approaching me. I am a pretty quiet person that stays to myself. I mean I could be telling him that so and so got a new vehicle or promotion at work and if it is a guy I am interrogated. He wants to know how I know and keeps asking questions to make me feel like I was really chummy with the guy by just knowing that piece of information. He picked me up from work the other day because my car was in the shop. He started asking who was that guy (described them) that got in such and such vehicle. I would say and he would make a comment well he looks like your type. It embarrasses me and makes me feel so terrible because he is insinuating that I am some kind of office floozy. That is honestly not the case at all! It is kind of like he thinks every woman is like this. I know there are some insecurities because there is 16 years difference in us. I could honestly understand his actions if I was this big flirty person that has cheated on him but I am the complete opposite. I do admit I was wrong and disrespectful to him by keeping being facebook friends a secret from him. I have apologized to him for that. I do not mind admitting when I am wrong. We have been facebook friends for 6 months and only messaged each other twice. That is how connected my ex and I are. It is not like we chat frequently and have this close relationship. I do feel he friended me with good intention and not to harm my marriage. He is not that kind of person and we are not jealous people. My current husband doesn't understand that obviously so he thinks there is more to it. I also didn't mean to accept his friendship and keep it hidden to protect my ex or hurt my husband. I just wanted to avoid him going crazy and now I have made it worse by the way I handled it. I know that was wrong. Honestly, there really isn't a reason to be connected and I am willing to send him a message to kindly explain that we can't be connected and end it myself. I don't appreciate my husband going to extremes of changing my password so he can access my account and blocking my ex. I think I should have been given the chance to handle it my way. This was very childish. He also has more female friends on his page from high school and even some that he dated. I no that doesn't hold a candle to an ex-husband but it was still people he has relationships with. He also has many current female acquaintances on there such as females he has taking classes with and so forth that I don't even know. I say nothing because I don't have trust issues. I don't break into his accounts and mobile phone because I don't feel I have had to. Other than this crap he is a good guy. This is a very sad and depressing situation for me. I don't want another divorce. I really don't but I am at the end of the rope I feel. I don't have any close friends anymore that I can talk to so that I why I am reaching out on here. I need some unbiased advice.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Well, maybe you should be investigating him a bit. This kind of paranoid jealousy often signals a cheater. But if you have no reason to feel suspicious otherwise, there's no need to go looking for trouble. 

What you described in your last post Italia is pretty psychologically abusive, if you ask me. It's aggressive, hostile behavior from someone who claims to love you. 

But it's YOUR responsibility to put a stop to it.


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## italia78 (Mar 18, 2013)

EnjoliWoman - Yes, I have looked up narcissism before and feel he could very well be.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

italia78 said:


> EnjoliWoman - Yes, I have looked up narcissism before and feel he could very well be.


If you believe narcissism could be in play, please read my article on it. It will give you a few simple questions you can ask to pinpoint if it is, plus let you understand exactly what it means to your relationship if you watch the video you'll find there. 

Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

You have been keeping secrets, which is just exacerbating the situation. Delete your facebook account and let your H know you’re doing it, then have an honest conversation with your husband about his actions. 

This issue is 50/50. Has he ever cheated or been cheated on? I would not be able to live in a marriage where every male interaction caused jealousy. I have male friends. My husband has female friends. This is normal. That being said, I am not friends with ANY ex's regardless of how amicable our split was and neither is he. We are also not friends with crushes or people who are flirtatious with us. 

The key is 100% transparency, for BOTH of you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Pfft... ^ That just rewards his behavior.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

italia78 said:


> To really put the icing on the cake my ex-husband friended me. We had a mutual divorce and are not enemies. It simply just didn't work out and we are okay with that. He has remarried and I have remarried. I accepted his request because I felt it was harmless. He is thousands of miles away and has a family. We have messaged each other a couple of times and it was pretty much how are you and life is great. That is all. When I accepted his request I changed my friend list to private to avoid confrontation. Yes, that was sneaky and I accept responsibility for that. I should have kept it open since I had nothing to hide really. If my current husband wasn't so jealous and overbearing I feel I could have been open about it. My husband found out about me being friends with my ex because apparently he decided he wanted to do some of his sneaky detective work on me to see if he can find something. This time he did and he was ballistic.


It's not FB's fault. It's how you use it. 
You can read many stories here how ex-partners become affair partners. (although this might not be your case)

You'll get a lot of good advice (especially from married members here) about how ex(es) should stay out of your life forever...
And given that FB has become a lifestyle for many of us, it means ex(es) should stay out of FB too.

Just like you said, is it worth putting your marriage in trouble and sacrifice over a friendship with your ex on FB?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Pfft... ^ That just rewards his behavior.


Seriously. 

It sounds like your husband is the one with some issues. Facebook isn't the problem.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Pfft... ^ That just rewards his behavior.


 I agree and disagree at the same time. I am torn. I think lying and being friends with ex's on FB is wrong. I also think treating your spouse like crap because you are insecure is wrong.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

italia78 said:


> Hello,
> My husband has some serious trust issues with me. I don't feel he has ever trusted me and we have been together for 10 years. It is so bad I have to walk on eggshells about when I talk to him about normal things regarding other men. I mean innocent things like if I had a conversation with a male co-worker or if they did something funny at work. He always manages to turn it in to something where I was flirting with them or have something going on with them. It is ridiculous! I guess I have learned to adapt to the situation to keep the peace.
> *
> Does not sound good, but my first reaction is why?* *Has there been any infidelity. EAs? Lying? I am not defending him. If trust had been broken that would explain some of this.
> ...



Please try His Needs Her Needs together and do the boundary settings. Try to get to the rot cause of his mistrust. Again I am NOT saying he is not the main problem here. But I suggest you deal with it directly and not by being secretive.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'd hack his fb and do the same thing to him.... unfriend all the women on there. Sometimes jerks just don't get it until it happens to them. Period.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> I'd hack his fb and do the same thing to him.... unfriend all the women on there. Sometimes jerks just don't get it until it happens to them. Period.


There is synergy here. He should not be a hypocrit.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> I agree and disagree at the same time. I am torn. I think lying and being friends with ex's on FB is wrong. I also think treating your spouse like crap because you are insecure is wrong.


Absolutely lying and sneaking are wrong. Doing it because he's insecure doesn't make it right. But this is not FB causing it to happen... it's flawed logic and poor decisions by people doing it.

Entropy raised an interesting point when he said he has some female friends and would de-friend them if his wife had a problem with it. It's likely his behavior doesn't cause her to feel suspicious. If his behavior is good, and he is transparent, and she STILL had a problem with it, I don't think that defriending the women would be a good idea.


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## Angel5112 (Jul 25, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> It's likely his behavior doesn't cause her to feel suspicious. If his behavior is good, and he is transparent, and she STILL had a problem with it, I don't think that defriending the women would be a good idea.


True. Nor would it likely solve anything. 

I have a friend who is a, "liar, wh0re, slvt, etc.", regardless of her behavior, which is almost always beyond reproach. :scratchhead: He will call her, verbally abuse her, hang up, and then call back and do the same thing, over, and over, and over again.

Her lies are usually innocent and only meant to prevent the above confrontation, but when caught, they make the above confrontation ten times worse (which I didn't think was possible).

I think her husband is extremely insecure, not to mention a little crazy and a lot abusive. I think she is extremely insecure for allowing this treatment to continue. Two very insecure people expressing their insecurities in two very different ways. 

Is this where your relationship is headed OP, or are you already there? From the outside looking in, it doesn't look like a loving relationship to me.


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## italia78 (Mar 18, 2013)

I truly thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and give advice. I truly feel my husband has a narcissistic personality. I have done some research on this and he has all of the classic signs. As for the ones that asked if there has been infidelity in our marriage... I can say that I have not cheated but I often question if he has just simply based on how he treats me. I know many of you have to be wondering why is she staying with this man? It is not all bad. We can go for a period of not arguing and have a great marriage then all of the sudden it changes for no reason that I am aware of and he is back to his behavior of accusing me of wanting someone else and playing the detective again. I try to hang in there for the good things in our marriage. As for facebook... I messaged my ex explaining that us being connected is not a good idea and I hope he understands. There was honestly nothing to it and staying connected was not worth causing more turmoil in my life. I did not do the drastic thing by deleting my account because I do enjoy staying connected with family and I am also involved in dog rescue so I do a lot of networking for that on there. I apologized for the way I handled it because I do know that was wrong. I think he was okay but I am sure it will come back up later when he takes another one of his spells. I think it has come to me making a choice of whether I want to stay and deal with his issues or move on. Again, thank you all so much for helping me!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

italia78 said:


> I truly thank you all so much for taking the time to read my post and give advice. I truly feel my husband has a narcissistic personality. I have done some research on this and he has all of the classic signs. As for the ones that asked if there has been infidelity in our marriage... I can say that I have not cheated but I often question if he has just simply based on how he treats me. I know many of you have to be wondering why is she staying with this man? It is not all bad. We can go for a period of not arguing and have a great marriage then all of the sudden it changes for no reason that I am aware of and he is back to his behavior of accusing me of wanting someone else and playing the detective again. I try to hang in there for the good things in our marriage. As for facebook... I messaged my ex explaining that us being connected is not a good idea and I hope he understands. There was honestly nothing to it and staying connected was not worth causing more turmoil in my life. I did not do the drastic thing by deleting my account because I do enjoy staying connected with family and I am also involved in dog rescue so I do a lot of networking for that on there. I apologized for the way I handled it because I do know that was wrong. I think he was okay but I am sure it will come back up later when he takes another one of his spells. I think it has come to me making a choice of whether I want to stay and deal with his issues or move on. Again, thank you all so much for helping me!


Sorry for pressing. People have all sorts of ideas of what cheating is. I mean Bill Clinton did not cheat. Right? 

There are levels.

Imapproproateness --> Unfaithfulness --> Cheating

My point is that we can feel we have not cheated because there has not been PIV sex or perhaps we have not kissed someone else. But things can get pretty gray. I am not pressing you for an answer. It is not my business. Just something for you to think about.

I had an EA. Did I cheat? I do not think of it that way but indeed I was emotionally cheating. It was not my intent, but I had feelings for someone that should have been reserved for my wife. 

So people pursue attention from the opposite sex in a way our spouses are hurt by. What ever our intent. I am not saying you have done any of this. But perhaps you have but you feel it is completely innocent and he does not.

Also it is possible he IS projecting. He may have been unfaithful or had unfaithful thoughts.

Anyway, same answer really. Honest and opne communication is required. What does our spouse fear?

I think you did the right thing on unfriending your EX. EXs are an instant affair waiting to happen IMO. You already love them. You have had intimate and loving sex. You have been in love with them Your brain already has the pathways ready to fire off again. Very very risky.

Ex lovers can meet for an hour or two and be right back in the sack right then and there. This has happened to me. I was single. We even broke the bed that afternoon. I later found out she was in a relationship.


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