# needed to vent



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

MIL gift for Christmas, nightmare inducing convos with my wife. thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

To clarify now that I have time:
My wife's mom uses the holidays to bring up my wife's father. Not a good thing for my wife as it destroys all sense of safety she has built up over the years away, and bad for me because it make my wife withdraw from me physically,emotionally, and sexually. Considering we don't live together currently, it makes things bad.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Funny? How so?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you talked to your MIL to explain that bringing up her father is not a good idea?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MILs... I have a headache whenever I'm even near the darn woman. I have a similar problem, my MIL even encourages my wife to repeat her flaws (she's a manipulator, and FIL's a doormat... like mother like daughter - except my wife doesn't exactly have a fking doormat husband, unless it's sex...shh)

I swear we need to start a campaign to kick out these bad eggs from our lives... but we can't... BAH!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Agast84 said:


> Considering we don't live together currently, it makes things bad.


Who doesn't live with who???


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Have you talked to your MIL to explain that bringing up her father is not a good idea?


I do not exist in my MIL reality(unless she is trying to make me feel bad, which I don't give her that power). since W and I separated. My W has told her this forever. She is just a toxic women. I can't stand her, I wish my wife would move back in with me.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> Who doesn't live with who???


W and I do not live together, we separated, but started working on making things better. She lives with her mother, feels like she should take care of her mom. :scratchhead:

I don't get it. She is knows her mom is bad for her.


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## ManUp (Nov 25, 2012)

Her Mom is also bad for your marriage from the sounds of it. Does your MIL actively bash you or denigrate you in anyway to your wife?


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Why did she move back in with her? Did the MIL dictate things in your marriage?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

ManUp said:


> Her Mom is also bad for your marriage from the sounds of it. Does your MIL actively bash you or denigrate you in anyway to your wife?


I am all too aware of that fact. She was the main marriage problem. She was the rumor instigator, and my wife and I ate it all up. I am an observant man by nature and education, but this was the first time it took a review of "facts" in retrospect to clarify things. Only time my BS meter did not go berserk, I wish it had. It is disgusting how she treats her kids and how she treated me. I viewed her as a second mother, until I saw how things operated in her reality. 
For example: She went around telling everyone I was a controlling jerk and never let my wife leave the house.
Truth: My wife enjoyed way more freedom outside the house than I did, too much, at times.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

FalconKing said:


> Why did she move back in with her? Did the MIL dictate things in your marriage?


Dictated, like a puppet master.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Would it be fair to say that your wife is letting your MIL have too much influence on the marriage? Also, what keeps you trying even though you guys are separated?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

FalconKing said:


> Would it be fair to say that your wife is letting your MIL have too much influence on the marriage? Also, what keeps you trying even though you guys are separated?


We are more or less separated by the living situation. Every other aspect is normal, if not better than before. We communicate, she respects me more, and I see her through my eyes, not her mom's. We still have many issues, but nothing that is not fixable. 

About 9 months ago, after awkward back and forth, I decided to 180 on her. I initially started out with several conversations that were essentially: " If you just want to be friends, I don't want to act like your husband. Stop venting to me all the time about what is wrong in your life, you are in control of your life. If we are friends, hug me or don't hug me."

Things have greatly changed in the last 9-12 months.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

FalconKing, now, it would be fair to say she lets her mom guilt her too much. She carries a great deal of guilt, for no reason other than her mother puts it on her.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> FalconKing, now, it would be fair to say she lets her mom guilt her too much. She carries a great deal of guilt, for no reason other than her mother puts it on her.


What do you feel has improved in these last 9 months specifically?


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

This list will include things we both contribute:
Solidarity in parenting choices, more open, honest communication, transparency, focusing on us(with exception to the obvious, haha), a more concerted effort to make "us" time, rebuilding of trust, rebuilding intimacy( obvious road blocks to this), more sharing of parenting role... and that is about all I can muster after a long day.


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