# Narcissism and Codependence



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

I'm just putting this together in my mind, and this article has given me a really good understanding of the larger issues in my relationship with my cheating wife. But to me this would seen to be a common pattern. So I wanted to hear from others that were cheated on...was it a case of a narcissist cheating on a Co-dep? We would seem like easy targets. 

Narcissism and Codependence

A few selections from the article:

Symptoms of Narcissism 

Sexually they may seduce and abandon partners including the person they marry; this may also be a cover for performance anxiety. There is often a pattern of seducing and abandoning lovers, friends or people they can make their ‘fans’.

A person with narcissistic tendencies will shift blame and may become aggressive if anyone attempts to hold them accountable for their actions. They will not accept responsibility for their own failings and instead blame their mistakes and/or bad behavior on the shortcomings of others.


Symptoms of Codependence

May expect people (who they obviously shouldn’t trust) to be kind and play fair.

May be obsessed with their relationship with their partner.

Narcissists rarely seek help and instead blame others for their problems, where codependents tend to know that something is wrong and will blame themselves (more than they should) and spend a lot of time working on ‘fixing’ themselves.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yep my STBXH is a NPD, and I guess you could say I became co-dependant. I was never obsessed with him, though.
Yes he dropped people like stones, for bizarre reasons often. He has denied everything, and we do not now talk. No remorse, blames me, no apologies, completely moved on without even letting me know or have any closure.
Cheated on me even before marriage, moved out and immediately in with OW and did not even ask me for a divorce (plan b?), and now in the divorce he's being a complete tosser, lying to lawyers, being nasty and mean. Narcissists are NOT human, no empathy, no remorse, all about them, just v good actors at portraying what people expect. He's successful, as they often are, I believce a misogynist, and comes from a f***ed up family. I didn't know any of this really until I started the divorce and therapy. His callousness blew me away, couldn't recognise the (fake) person I married and now it all makes sense, he's a psycho. Miss my old life a bit, but realise I'm better off without the abusive git. 12 years of 'unreality', it sucks. Classic narcissist, never wrong, above normal rules, treats peoplke as objects, didn't want to be married anymore so decided he wasn't! Gah, he is vile


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Narcissistic dynamics play a big role in infidelity. We should pay more attention to it under infidelity topic. I am on it, I am on it to save my, my kids and my (narcissist) wife's well being.

His needs, her needs, not just friends or married men's sex life are all good but those are for more "normal people" so to say. 

Most of the time, infidelity we experience is a result of a more deep dysfunction that the wayward posses. 

Codependence may be a reasons to stick with a narcissist and take "narcissist abuse" (google on it) but in my opinion it is not a cause for infidelity nor, all the reconciling BSs are codependent.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Another thing to notice about NPD is;

"Grandiose narcissisism" or "I am the best and greatest" kind of narcissisism is not the only flavor of it. Watch for covert narcissist. They are so humble until you start asking what hit you. 

For them, it is all about (short term) self indulgence, entitlement, not having any empathy, no remorse, being really lonely really.....


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> Another thing to notice about NPD is;
> 
> "Grandiose narcissisism" or "I am the best and greatest" kind of narcissisism is not the only flavor of it. Watch for covert narcissist. They are so humble until you start asking what hit you.
> 
> For them, it is all about (short term) self indulgence, entitlement, not having any empathy, no remorse, being really lonely really.....


my wife is a covert narcissist, so good point. She is all about the short term, and it's a feelings based life.

To me finally making this connection, proved to me that no matter what I did...it would not have worked. It can't work with someone with these traits...that is..it can't work LONG TERM.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yes and they are good at playing the victim. Mine is saying he is the victim of a crazy wife. I'm not, I'm normal, and he has the emotional capacity of a 6 year old. These narcissists really are the hardest to deal with once they stop the 'idolisation' of you stage, and start to devalue and then (usually brutally) discard. They will relentlessly pursue new 'Narcissitic supply', rewrite their scripts for their life, and have no remorse when they find new NS that suits them in their goals. One thing to bear in mind, it is rarely about the BS, I was not perfect but a good, loyal wife. His new OW is I think quite unattractive but successful and is part of his new plan. They are the vampires of this planet, run a mile if you get any inkling someone is one, they will destroy you, and do it gleefully.
I remember the insane look of delight on mine's face when he was fooling me with false promises of R whilst living with someone else. I mean what evil pig does that? Oh yes, someone with no soul. RUN run away and have no contact ever again!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Funny you should post this because just over the weekend, I was starting to put this together in my mind too. I never thought that my STBXH to be a narcissist, but after some googling and reading about it, he fits the description very well. 

Your link put some insight into our relationship as well. I believe that we did have a narcissistic/co-dependent relationship that led us to where we are now.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I'm just now coming to the conclusion that its highly possible my husband could be a narcissist, as well. He sure can act like a child at times, especially when he didn't get his way or perceived something to be different than it really is. I wonder, are they looking for a mother figure?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Recognizing Narcissistic Abuse (NPD)

Good info, we are victims of abuse. Ones who will never get any closure except to walk away and move on. It's the hardest few months of my life dealing with this, but easier now I know what he is.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

AgentD said:


> I'm just now coming to the conclusion that its highly possible my husband could be a narcissist, as well. He sure can act like a child at times, especially when he didn't get his way or perceived something to be different than it really is. I wonder, are they looking for a mother figure?


NO! Male narcissists hate their mothers and punish all women, especially their spouse in retaliation. They see women as sexual objects, yes for NS, but will often punish their spouse by withdrawing any intimacy and stopping sex. Mine did, and blamed me, and then I'm sure used it as an excuse to sleep with others! They have a madonna/w***e outlook in many ways. They definitely do not like any bond with a female really.
Mine even pushed me away if I tried to kiss him. He did hold my hand for a few years, that was the limit though of any closeness.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Oooh.... they are victims allright. They are entiteld to more than universe offers but poor queen/king must settle with having us as partners.

During the idolisation phase my wife was like a puppy, looking at me with big, focused eyes while wagging her tail, treating me like a king in every way. I learned twenty years later that during that time she had sex with a man in few minutes notice just because that he find her atractive. Talk about short term gratification, narcissistic supply. And she didn't think that it concerns me alltough we were about to marry. That is her wrong sense of entitelment, having a world only revolving around her and lack of empathy. She had many more affairs after marriage.

Then the inevitable came. After her disguise came crashing down, 20 years later, I've been devalued, dismissed, trashed. After all, while my (our) life is crushing into pieces, It was unbelievable to look into that woman's eyes and see nothing....

You'll now when you experience it. I am not religous but I think I saw the unspeakable.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Oh boy will you ever know when you experience it! It's a total mind f**k. We are members of a small but very special club.
One I wouldn't want anyone to have to join.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Bentley'sMom said:


> NO! Male narcissists hate their mothers and punish all women, especially their spouse in retaliation. They see women as sexual objects, yes for NS, but will often punish their spouse by withdrawing any intimacy and stopping sex. Mine did, and blamed me, and then I'm sure used it as an excuse to sleep with others! They have a madonna/w***e outlook in many ways. They definitely do not like any bond with a female really.
> Mine even pushed me away if I tried to kiss him. He did hold my hand for a few years, that was the limit though of any closeness.


Thank you for the info! 

My husband came from a family where his father drank and cheated, his mother knew it and looked the other way. They came from a family of blame, jealousy, rug sweeping etc etc. the list goes on. 

My husband is a recovering alcoholic, and according to my counselor who I have talked with feels he might have PTSD which I feel is probably more along the lines of BPD instead of what my counselor has suggested. I myself am codependent and trying learn new ways to cope and deal with not only myself and but his behaviors as well. 

My counselor even said she felt he has "mother/women issues."
I told her I felt like he was looking for a mother figure, and she said in a sense he is. How can he want a mother figure but yet have a issue with women? I wonder if he wants me to be like his mother was. His father did whatever he wanted when he wanted and his mother just looked the other way. I'm not like that at all, I call him out, I wonder if thats the issue. I stand up for what I feel where as his mother didn't. 

TO the OP, sorry I wasn't trying to hijack your thread, its just that I see some of this co dependence and narcissitic behavior in my situation as well.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Interesting about the alcohol, my husband was/is a very heavy drinker maybe not quite alcoholic but definitely a big drinker (3 whiskies, 3/4 beers a night), and often more on occassion (he once ended up in ER with his head smashed up from being drunk)
Alcohol I think is often a big factor with narcissists. Others have issues with porn, gambling, drugs, etc. Almost like they need to blot out their real self.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Oh boy will you ever know when you experience it! It's a total mind f**k. We are members of a small but very special club.
> One I wouldn't want anyone to have to join.


I am affraid selfishness is becoming more accepted if it is not the norm yet in todays culture. Personal freedom, self importence and entitelment is taken too lightly. We don't have self anything without loved ones to share and cherish what we have. We are social , family oriented animals.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> Oooh.... they are victims allright. They are entiteld to more than universe offers but poor queen/king must settle with having us as partners.
> 
> During the idolisation phase my wife was like a puppy, looking at me with big, focused eyes while wagging her tail, treating me like a king in every way. I learned twenty years later that during that time she had sex with a man in few minutes notice just because that he find her atractive. Talk about short term gratification, narcissistic supply. And she didn't think that it concerns me alltough we were about to marry. That is her wrong sense of entitelment, having a world only revolving around her and lack of empathy. She had many more affairs after marriage.
> 
> ...



Exactly the same here, only it was my husband of 20 years that did that to me. Sucks big time!


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Oh and family is definitely key. ALWAYS look at them. His brother is bi polar and a real loser, sadly. His mother is very odd, like a drama queen who never wants to hear anything bad yet just moans about her life. His Dad highly selfish, possibly narcisstic himself. Bad genes, bad upbringing. I wish I had trusted my gut when I knew I didn't really like them from the start. I used to say to myself, they are good people, just different. Hmm!!!


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Oh and family is definitely key. ALWAYS look at them. His brother is bi polar and a real loser, sadly. His mother is very odd, like a drama queen who never wants to hear anything bad yet just moans about her life. His Dad highly selfish, possibly narcisstic himself. Bad genes, bad upbringing. I wish I had trusted my gut when I knew I didn't really like them from the start. I used to say to myself, they are good people, just different. Hmm!!!


Oh my mine too. My husbands father is a drinker, cheater, blamer and he was one of these types that in his younger days would wear his shirt unbuttoned way down his chest and thought he was the stuff.   His mother doesn't deal with anything, suffers from depression, criticized my husband and his sisters growing up, wasn't nurturing etc. His oldest sister is a pot head, and pill popper, has repeated failed relationships. His middle sister isn't married, never gets into relationships and stated she doesn't want to ever get married or really date due to fear of it turning out like her parents. Thats sad!


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

His father sounds like a narcissist, often if a parent is, one of the kids is. My next partner (if I ever get one) I will be looking closely at their whole family! I will also never again date someone eho drinks every night....I love a good drink but only a few times a week, if that!


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Left With 4.5 said:


> Exactly the same here, only it was my husband of 20 years that did that to me. Sucks big time!


Sorry sister..... Why did it take 20 years for us to figure it out ? Such a waste of life .


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I would venture to say that men who "don't like women", are more along the lines of, men who don't like women who don't act the way they want them too. 

Example: If a man had a mother who was submissive to his father, thats likely the kind of woman he wants. If the woman he gets involved with doesn't meet that criteria, then thats when it might be safe to say, he doesn't "like" her. Some men, especially those with narcissistic personalities, like women who are more weak, because they are more easily dominated, can be controlled and walked on. If they are involved with a woman who speaks her mind, stands her ground and takes no bull, then those are the women they feel the most threatened by. After all its about self image, and they are likely to retreat away from a woman who comes across as strong. Of course it may not stop them from blaming, fault finding, acting like a child etc etc. 

I think narcissism is a learned behavior more than anything. I also think it could be just the tip of the iceberg for other types of mental disorders as well. Just my 2 cents.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Oh and family is definitely key. ALWAYS look at them. His brother is bi polar and a real loser, sadly. His mother is very odd, like a drama queen who never wants to hear anything bad yet just moans about her life. His Dad highly selfish, possibly narcisstic himself. Bad genes, bad upbringing. I wish I had trusted my gut when I knew I didn't really like them from the start. I used to say to myself, they are good people, just different. Hmm!!!


I knew better, yet I went for the "special". Her family was kind of odd, she didn't have any long term friends. But I took it as her being unique, independent and special. 

If I was born again I am not going to go for anything special. I want the normal, f&cking normal.......


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I would venture to say that men who "don't like women", are more along the lines of, men who don't like women who don't act the way they want them too.
> 
> Example: If a man had a mother who was submissive to his father, thats likely the kind of woman he wants. If the woman he gets involved with doesn't meet that criteria, then thats when it might be safe to say, he doesn't "like" her. Some men, especially those with narcissistic personalities, like women who are more weak, because they are more easily dominated, can be controlled and walked on. If they are involved with a woman who speaks her mind, stands her ground and takes no bull, then those are the women they feel the most threatened by. After all its about self image, and they are likely to retreat away from a woman who comes across as strong. Of course it may not stop them from blaming, fault finding, acting like a child etc etc.
> 
> I think narcissism is a learned behavior more than anything. I also think it could be just the tip of the iceberg for other types of mental disorders as well. Just my 2 cents.


I think you're right about it being a learned behavior. My STBXW's stepmothers picture is in the dictionary next to the definition of narcissism. My wifes real father was in no way a narcissist. My wife unfortunately takes after her stepmother in soooo many ways.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

SweetAndSour said:


> I knew better, yet I went for the "special". Her family was kind of odd, she didn't have any long term friends. But I took it as her being unique, independent and special.
> 
> If I was born again I am not going to go for anything special. I want the normal, f&cking normal.......


My wife has only one long term friend, and it's a guy who she has used and used and used for years. Whenever she needs a favor this guy comes running like a pathetic lap dog, and he is this gentel nice guy who is a total doormat. So I wonder how this guy feels now, he was running around thinking he'd be next in line, and she skips over him to go with a married man...boy that sucks. At least I'm getting out, this guy will be on the hook for years of favors to come.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

trey69 said:


> I would venture to say that men who "don't like women", are more along the lines of, men who don't like women who don't act the way they want them too.
> 
> Example: If a man had a mother who was submissive to his father, thats likely the kind of woman he wants. If the woman he gets involved with doesn't meet that criteria, then thats when it might be safe to say, he doesn't "like" her. Some men, especially those with narcissistic personalities, like women who are more weak, because they are more easily dominated, can be controlled and walked on. If they are involved with a woman who speaks her mind, stands her ground and takes no bull, then those are the women they feel the most threatened by. After all its about self image, and they are likely to retreat away from a woman who comes across as strong. Of course it may not stop them from blaming, fault finding, acting like a child etc etc.
> 
> I think narcissism is a learned behavior more than anything. I also think it could be just the tip of the iceberg for other types of mental disorders as well. Just my 2 cents.


I WAS a strong independent woman, main bread winner for 6 years, then we moved to US and I gave up everything, family, career, friends and became dependent on him. Just made it easieer for him to devalue me. He cheated on me when I was paying off his debt, and he left for a woman (younger but not better looking at all) who is paying his bills even though he earns a ton. Go figure! I do know she adores him, and that to a Narcissist is like blood to a vampire.


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Justadude said:


> My wife has only one long term friend, and it's a guy who she has used and used and used for years. Whenever she needs a favor this guy comes running like a pathetic lap dog, and he is this gentel nice guy who is a total doormat. So I wonder how this guy feels now, he was running around thinking he'd be next in line, and she skips over him to go with a married man...boy that sucks. At least I'm getting out, this guy will be on the hook for years of favors to come.


It is a good quality to have long term same sex friends and being respected by them. If a person is not capable of empathy he or she is first to be noticed and weeded out by his/her peers ie. the same sex friends.

My wife says she prefers man to be friends with over girls. That's true. She had more male friends compared to girls. Both are short term friends though. She simply enjoys the sexual dynamics/attraction in between her and her male friends as a boost in their friendship. 

I know her friends. Mostly geeky, good hearthed, gamma males. Almost all of her male friends wouldn't be as interested or wouldn't be friends at all with her if she wasn't a woman. A woman with suggestive remarks, speaking her mind freely in disguise of being a tomboy. Besides enjoying the intersex leverage in their friendship, my wife had proceeded to have sexual relationships with more than couple of them. 

There was a guy in her life who is almost a bigger sucker than me. That guy is an X boyfriend of her before than me. He was in love with her. Only after a few months of a relationship. He took her to his country. Soon after, my wife found a boy toy in that country. While with that new lower, she continued feeding financially on her original boyfriend. She argued with and physically attacked her original boyfriends mother too. It was un imaginable in that countries norms. He still loved and supported her.

Years later she met me and we were married. Three years into our marriage, for a summer break, we were in college then, she decided to go back to that country to "improve her language skills" in a summer school.

I thought I was paying for that trip. But she also called that sucker original boyfriend, made him send money for her plane tickets, had him arrange a room for her. I took her to airport, we hugged and kissed. 

There, she went after the past boy toy but he was married and unavailable. It didn't stop her. In two and a half months, she had multiple one night stands and a more steady new boy friend. The original sucker boy got some too. He hesitated first. Being a good guy, he respected our marriage and wished the best for her. I think my wife felt like he deserved to be compensated for his efforts. He put some money too for school in her pockets on her way back home.

The horrible things in above paragraphs are the things happened seventeen years ago but I learned just recently. 

While she was there we were talking on the phone, missing each other. I was actually fantasysing her while masturbating. I picked her at the airport. We couldn't keep our hands to ourselves (may be it was just me, I doubt everything now). We had to look for a motel room on the two hour drive home because we couldn't wait. On a funny note, I had to confess to her that while she was away, a girl I met in a party tried to kiss me while we are all drunk in the middle of everybody but I reminded her that I was married and that was all about it. She didn't say anything then.

We had problems. We were kind of young, stupid. It was far from a good marriage. I was extreemly naive. Still, I sticked with her and she sticked with me, I thought.

That was just a summer from our past. She had continued her double life after that.As far as I know, that sucker X boyfriend is still waiting for my wife to come back to him. He is in his early fifties and never been married.

If she is not a narcissist what is she ?............

Sorry for the long post.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Quite probably a somatic narcissist. Is/was she obsessed with her appearance? Does she think she is gorgeous when she's average?
Has she any remorse? Does she act entitled?


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## SweetAndSour (Feb 25, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Quite probably a somatic narcissist. Is/was she obsessed with her appearance? Does she think she is gorgeous when she's average?
> Has she any remorse? Does she act entitled?


I didn't know what Somatic narcissist is but I googled it. According to definition, she is not that. 

She is pretty in touch with her physical appearence. She is not extreemly beautiful but she has over the average looks. She becomes a little overweight sometimes and it makes her more curvy and sexy in my eyes. She is not obsessed with her looks and she doesn't see herself more than she is. I know for a fact that she went to meet or screw other man without putting any make up or wearing other than pair of jeans. 

She is covert or intravert type. Her approach is very humble at first. Cares for you, listens to you, almost dies for you. Mirrors your expectations as clinicians say. But it is not healthy real. While she is doing it to you she may be doing it to someone else simultaneously too. That phase is rather short lived. Then comes the narcissistic abuse. 

Yes she acts entitled. It is mind boggling how she is guilt free and feel entitled to her affairs. After so many heart to heart conversations, seeing me devistated, she can still come up with brilliant comments like "my affairs wouldn't be wrong if there wasn't you" .......Well I am here and I am your husband. She says outright that her affairs feels wrong only because I was in the picture. She is sorry only because she is caught. That's hell of an entitlement


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Wow, sorry. They seem to follow a pattern, my stbxh is similar, except he's more devious and never admits anything. Decided he didn't want to be married anymore, so acted like he wasn't. Moved in with OW whilst not telling me, and talking about what I needed to do whilst he gathered himself to maybe R. When I discovered he still denied, and still does. I think Narcissists can be a mix, I would say mine is covert/cerebral. Still all extremely disordered and pathological liars, plus no remorse ever. It is such a thing to deal with, I hope you get help for yourself, it's mind blowing how sick they are and what they do to you. The blame, the lies, the gaslighting, the projection, the way you feel guilty, unattractive, all your fault. They are the victims of you, of course! I have no contact with him, believe me it works. My advice is run as fast as you can, don't look back, these are not real relationships or real emotions from them. Get out, get healthy, get your life back.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

It is a killer to be with a NPD. They have no empathy and take no responsibility for their actions. They are never wrong. They never validate anything except themselves. They have extreme entitlement and act like spoiled children. They treat people as objects they can use. 

Trying to love one will destroy you......slowly but surely.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

The 3 stages of life with a narcissist: idealization, devaluation, discarding. I am in the discarding phase currently.

The Discarding Phase:

In this phase, the game comes to its final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by the narcissist, is doomed to end with the idealization of the narcissist by the victim’s over dependence. Once this happens, the narcissist ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order to “fix” the dying relationship. However, the narcissist resists all attempts to rescue the relationship, they will bully with silence, or if there is any kind of response, it will be brutally cold. In effect, the victim has become “worthlessly inferior” to them; they know they have drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness, and now it is time for the narcissist to move on to the next source of supply. Any undertaking to win them back by the victim will only feed the narcissists ego, and further provide them with a transient source of narcissistic supply.

http://narcissisticbehavior.net/


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

I am, too Dixie. Brutally discarded and now he couldn't give two hoots. It's shocking, disorientating and completely harrowing.
You are right, they will destroy you one way or the other.
Now divorcing them is even more fun. I have to prove his lies constantly. He's the victim, not me! Despite all he has done, he has every right to live his life and leave me struggling with no care. Have a strong feeling we will end up in court due to his 'never wrong' attitude, his meanness and his damn sense of entitlement. Now I mean nothing to him, I should get nothing. Forget the 12 years we were together. I hate him so much, it's just a bizarre situation. I'm sorry you have been through this, narcisstic abuse is brutal, hideous and mind blowing. I wish it was more recognised in the eyes of the law, it is the most harsh of emotional abuse and ruins the poor victims lives. Not sure I can trust again, let alone date another guy! I really want to, and know this guy in my apartment building seems to like me and who I'd love to ask me out, but am so scared, and so scarred.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

I was married to one, (diagnosed), serial cheater.

Some good places to read -- highly recommend Dr. George Simon's works and his blog Dr. George K Simon, Author, In Sheep 

Also Lovefraud.com -- sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials, con artists, bigamists

Also Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

I know exactly what you feel. I'm in the same boat. I left last year and failed. Couldn't find work, then got a job and got laid off. Went back to him...now that I haven't been working and on unemployment, he has completely devalued/discarded me. 

When I left him last year, I left like a theif in the night. You HAVE to, otherwise they will make your life a HELL in any way they can. They will hurt themselves even just to hurt you. I had a truck in his name and was making all the payments on time for over 2 years, he was trying to find me and would have taken it, I got another car and gave it to him..he let it be repossessed just so I couldn't have it...ruining his own credit. OMG, the stories I could tell........


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks chumplady, am looking at these now. Fog is a very good description, coming out of the narcisstic fog is like that first breath after almost drowning. I am left scratching my head wondering why I put up with so much crap. I've emerged like a butterfly, though, delicate but more beautiful (dropped 4 dress sizes and I have to say look better than in years! Enjoying turning a few heads rather than shuffling around defeated)
Dixie, I could write a book! I still feel my life is unreal, someone else's, and it's so nice to know I am not alone battling this. I feel absolute pity for anyone in our boat, wouldn't wish a narcissist on anyone. OW can have him, you chased him for years, be careful what you wish for.....


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

[QUOTE She is all about the short term, and it's a feelings based life.

/QUOTE]

My STBXW said recently that she never looks ahead, lives in the present, and tries to constantly distract herself. There you go.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_This is my first time replying to a forum like this so forgive me if I don't do this right - I guess I'll learn.

I read BENTLEY'S MOM' s posts and am amazed at how she seems to speak to me and my situation.

The narcissist I dealt with for 6 1/2 years was not my husband, we were in a relationship (ha ha) and eventually living together until he called me one day at work and told me he had to go back home....this after telling me for 4 years he was divorced - the other 2 1/2 he was separated. He had to move back home or she would be filing papers to divorce him and he couldn't afford to pay her what she wanted. Im sure this, like EVERYTHING else was a lie. I'm typically a smart girl. I am successful and most would think I have alot going for me - but I was duped! I guess I knew somewhere deep inside that things weren't right - but I also thought that I loved him more than anything and tried to make it work - regardless of the cost- myself!

In my situation, I think now that he pitted me and his wife (not ex) against each other - telling me things about her and vice-versa to make us both try dilligently try to do more for him. Probably going back and forth the whole time. After a week long trip to the coast and 'relationship building' exercises (his idea) I came home to him running back to her two days later- and that is where I left him. I blocked his number(s), hung up EVERY time he called, and have not even looked his way in 4 months and 4 days. He is still there - THEY are still there and My question to you guys if anyone can answer - how do you get PAST the envy, past the THEM! 

I actually was doing better a month ago - maybe it's just a slip backwards - but it was a slip enough for me to reach out for answers! 

I feel better just typing this - still curious as to how some of you can feel FREE (and THANK GOD you do) like a butterfly and I can't get past it. I was abused, and lied to -probably DAILY, and at times it was terrible! But I have to say - the realization of what has happened feels worse than being there ever did! 

I know everyone is different but what did you do in your situation(s) to not slip backwards again?

Thanks!!!_

So sorry you went through this. You should start your own thread under coping with infidelity. There are a lot of people who have been there and can give you advice. I can tell you, never blame yourself and time WILL heal this. Best of luck.


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