# February - month o' love



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

ok.. here goes :smthumbup:

Positive, positive, positive. 

Do not bring up anything that he might take as criticism.

Do everything I can to make him happy. Make sure I keep all the promises we agreed on, even if he doesn't.
Long loving hugs – 10 per day
Morning hug – 15 seconds
Playful touches – 2 per day (add some sparring)
Conversation – 30 mins per day
Admiration/compliments 10 per day
Sexual Fulfillment – 2x per week
Play games – often
930-11 personal time
- Start with snuggles 2-5 minutes
- Then 5 things we like about each other
- Then any conversation or issues
- Then games or whatever.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 1 - after a rocky start where I asked for more affection, the evening went well. 

Changes - 930 time starts with a cuddle, then we have to say five things we like about each other (corny but working) then talking about anything - then games or whatever. Went really well.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

In the jungle, when an animal knows it's been defeated it lifts its head and shows its neck to the predator - basically saying "bite my throat I'm a gonner". This is what I was referring to when I said don't show any vulnerability. For some reason he can't resit biting whenever he sees a bit of exposed throat. 

So for instance, letting him know that his financial independence created by the new job was worrying you, was not optimum.

You can still ask for things, just don't make it seem like you actually *need* it. It might be better to show it as wanting to have fun. As in: cuddles are fun. Playfulness - if you can pull it off may be the key.

All just my wild speculation of course.


But my heart goes out to you. There is something wrong with the guy.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 2 - What I did 


Expressed confidence his decision to get a job
asked him how his day went, and really listened
kissed him upon waking in the morning
turned off his alarm clock and woke him with a backrub - well tried to, he shrugged me off and got up. but i tried!
kissed him before bed
caressed his hand during dinner
held his hand while we were driving
complimented his new haircut
complimented his clothes
told him how cute his butt looked
called him during the day at work and let him know i was thinking of him
had a tickle fight
told him how much i love his eyes
shared what i most admire about him
told him five things i love about him
had a 'remember when' moment
brushed his hair out of his eyes
listened to his worried and asked how i could help
txt'd him a message a work telling him i loved him and was thinking of him
thanked him profusely for his birthday present he got me from the family
kissed the back of his neck while he was reading
made him a special dessert for dinner
did his chores so he would have more time to relax
watched the baby so he could go to sleep early
gave him nine long loving hugs
offered him sex if he wanted it (he didn't)
watched his favorite movie with him
filled his drinks
put an "i love you note" on his pillow



WHEW.. what a day.. more tomorrow


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 3 - 

Turned off the alarm and woke him with hugs
called him up at work just to say hi
made dinner (rare for me)
did his chores
perfumed clean sheets on the bed and candles
helped him with his problems


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 4

Made up 28 little "Love notes" to leave him every morning this month

with hand drawn pictures of things we did when we were dating
we had a special tree that we would park under, i made a picture of that tree with a heart and our initials in it - I wrote 'i still think about our first kiss every time I drive by that tree' (it's on the street where we live)

put two of these notes in his shoes where he would see them in the morning

one just said "I love you honey"

I txt'd him at work and said I could hardly breathe... then a few mins later txt again saying because I was masturbating thinking of him.

Ran to him when he got home and gave him a huge hug when he got out of the car

had all the kids ready for bed at 830pm (that's quite a feat with six) so we could play his fav game together

tucked him in and kissed his neck and snuggled with him


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 5 - 

Another love note - this one about our second date - He kept bragging about how good he was at pool and offered to teach me to play. He never asked if i already knew how. lol... well I let him win the first two games, showing me how to hold the stick and such. Pool is a VERY sexy game if done correctly.

Game three I ran the table on him.  He's never let me live that down.

So I drew a picture of an eight ball and said "want to teach me how to play?" 

First glimmer of hope - He took my hand and led me to the bed. but he looked at me in a way that made me shivver in all the right spots. :smthumbup:


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 6 -

Woke him up early to snuggle.
rubbed his back at night
called him up just to say hello
I'm in a great mood and telling him how much i'm looking forward to spending time with him.
He read and ignored me... ah well 

Feb 7 - 

Off to the counselors. Ended up being a three hour session on him trying to explain away his behavior. Counselor made him promise to tell me he loved me more. Tried to be sexy on the way home. didn't work out too well! lol.

Feb 8 -

He had a problem with his daughter throwing a fit. He yelled, then felt bad for yelling and let her out of her punishment. sigh. No time together. 

Feb 9 - 

Went to home depot together, he invited me! Talked about playing sex games together. He agreed to try one on Wed. Called him to tell him i love him for no reason. he said he liked that. 

Feb 10 - 

Spent time laughing and playing together, was the best time in a long time together. He went to bed at 10pm. I think he got upset right when he went to bed, but I was unsure. 

Feb 11 - 

Played the sex dice game. Because we were limited to the upstairs - bedroom, office, bathroom - we had to make up places for the other spots. that was fun too  The stairs was my desk, the kitchen was the closet, outdoors was his chair by the window etc. 

Foreplay lasted almost an hour doing it that way. wow... I was SOOO nervous, but it was fun too. He still wasn't interested in giving me any O's in bed, but i got lots of attention during the game as he wanted to follow the 'rules'.

Feb 12 - 

Talked about the ipod at night. Then he had me rub his back because he was sore. I've noticed that our hugs have fallen back to 1 or 2 per day and that our admiration/compliments have fallen back to me giving only. I keep giving tho... it's Feb!

Feb 13 - 

He called me from work just to chat. That was nice. I was busy and had to cut it short, but it was sure nice to hear from him. We talked about his day. He will be home late again tonight. 

Why do you suppose he's leaving for work at 630am when he doesn't have to be there till 9am? He says it's a 20 minute commute. (it's about 14 miles away from the house) Just to have quiet time to himself? When I asked him about it, he said to avoid the traffic. But that gives him two hours to sit in the parking lot at work. Seems strange to me. He has been leaving earlier and earlier each day. He didn't get home till 730 last night. So much for the 9-5 job! lol.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 14 - woke him up with a hug and a snuggle. gave him love notes. went with him to his friends house. we went out to eat (his idea)

He promised to have an evening with me alone (sex). we never did.

Feb 15 - worked around the house. mostly housecleaning. gave him love notes and hugs. 

Stood up again for sex! grrrr... lol.. oh well


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 16 - He suggested we have alone time together. Then spent that time watching movies. sigh. I'm running out of steam to be nice. I HATE getting stood up!!


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 22 - nothing special over the weekend. he didn't really seem to want to spend time with me. I think I broke my stupid ankle on sat. not sure yet. 

And the cat died. And some other things. Been a hard week. I'm still trying to be special for him tho... 

more love notes this morning. he said he noticed he hadn't gotten one in a few days. wow, he noticed! lol


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Feb 23 - went to the doctor for my ankle. said it was just a really bad sprain, level 2 or 3 whatever that means. 

came home, he played with the baby. after a rocky start, i gave him the love notes and we cuddled. i gave him an O. he didn't object.

Feb 24 - Left him notes, cuddled him. 

Feb 25 - My Birthday! we went out to eat and he bought me some intense. He treated me kindly. He is inviting all his friends to my birthday party on Saturday that his friend is throwing. why?


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

*Feb 2009 Recap*

Mission Statement – For the month of February, I will be as loving and romantic and positive as possible regardless of the reaction or rejection I get. See if it brings P*** out of his shell and into a comfortable place where he can be fully vested in the relationship and allow himself to be in love with me again.

Objectives – 
•	930-11pm time every weekday, 10+ hours of UA time every weekend. Aim for at least 30 hours a week Undivided attention.
•	Dating once a week, even if at home. 
•	Sex twice a week or more
•	Play games
•	Keep trying no matter what
•	Always be the one to end a fight

*What I did – *
Wrote a love note for every day of the month – gave it to P*** (most times), was extremely and openly affectionate daily, did the 50 love things mort fertel suggested, went to counseling, initated sex twice a week (was rejected most times) bought sex games and toys, dressed more sexily, sent him sexy text messages at work, flirted with him, Kept track of our time to keep me responsible for it – helped me see where I was slipping, Kept trying no matter how many times I was rejected, Did not share my worries or fears, When I was sad or lonely or rejected, did not tell him. Just got myself back under control and made him feel good about everything, Had sex four times, had to ask/insist he take care of me sexually twice, the other two times I didn’t ask, just gave to him as usual. Did his chores several times, Gave him at least 5 compliments a day, Made up every time he felt bad, Was non critical, Let him handle the kids, Took better care of myself, When we had a disagreement let him win, was affectionate, sexy, sweet, kind and loving as possible.

*What worked – *
P*** was ‘on’ several moments during the month. He seemed to like the attention. He noticed when he didn’t get a note. He suggested talking to our counselor friend for marriage counseling. We only got into one heated argument. P*** initiated a fun sex game night. (Would have loved to do that 2x a week or more) and seemed to really like it. I was able to talk to him several times about what I would like to see in our relationship. He opened up more to me this month and was genuine several times. 

*What didn’t work – *
P*** is still emotionally, romantically and sexually unavailable most of the time. There are no understood boundaries or commitments. I don’t feel like he has buy in or feels the need to be accountable for his part in the relationship. 

He uses his love and happy energy on the baby rather than us. Stood me up several times without repercussion, apology or restitution. He is still not initiating very much (but more than before) Still thinks he’s bad or wrong a good deal of the time. He is not being forward romantic. He still keeps us at arms length. (bday present from the family rather than him) didn’t seem to like the notes, threw them on the floor, or threw them away. But then again, he would smile or look almost loving for some of them, then throw them away the next day.

*Conclusions – *
I liked being romantic and more open. I didn’t like that it wasn’t reciprocated. It is hard to sustain romance when you are met with passive acceptance. I liked the sex game we played. I didn’t like being stood up after that (did he not like it?) I liked that he liked my attention, I didn’t like that he wasn’t reciprocating. I liked being forward, I didn’t like being the only one to be forward. I liked seeing him on several times, I didn’t like that he still is consciously choosing not to be in love with me. 

*Where from here – *
I like P***. He likes me. I love P*** both romantically and in a caring way. P*** loves me only in a caring way. This causes me pain because I am rejected romantically. 

I have tried everything I can think of to bring him back out. He does not choose to come out. I have seen him several times this month wrestle with the decision and have seen him choose to remain emotionally and romantically unavailable and checked out, keeping himself safe and not going out on a limb while I have had to continually put myself in emotional danger for us. 

He is still calling the shots as to when and if he is loving towards me, what I do, what I wear, when and if and how we have sex and when and if and how we are affectionate. I am making myself into a doormat and worthless as a person by keeping trying and not getting loved as much in return and by doing as he asks every time without insisting he is fair with me. 

I feel he is manipulating the situation to keep me of low value in his own eyes so that he doesn’t have a reason to open up and change.

I want to give to him, everything that he will allow me to, but not without being given in return. I will no longer live an unrequited love affair. It demeans me and I lose both self esteem and self respect. 

I want to give him both a clear message that I love him and want him, but that I will no longer be the only one being romantic and committed. I want to give him a chance to come out of his shell if he wants the chance but I am not willing to continue to wait for him to be romantic. 

I want a life that includes both a caring love and a romantic love. I want commitment and marriage. I have shown I am willing to both change myself and work very hard to get these things and to make things work. I have shown over the last 12 months that I am committed and responsible and accountable for my changes to the relationship. 

I would love for that life to include P*** but it is no longer my only option. If P*** does not want me romantically I want a chance to seek out romance until such time as P*** wishes to allow himself to be romantic. He has told me that it’s not ‘me’ he doesn’t want, it’s just that he doesn’t want ANY romantic relationship and that if he did, he would choose me. I choose to accept he is telling me the truth about that and expect a written document outlining his views and commitment. I would like to give P*** a chance to recant that statement if it was a lie. 

If P*** wishes to be married to me, I expect mutually agreed upon written vows, commitments, a ceremony and to have it recorded at the courthouse.

If P*** does not wish to be married to me and provide the above, but still wishes us to have a relationship he needs to define what he expects that relationship to be so I understand the boundaries, expectations and so forth so I can make an informed decision on what to do that is best for me. 

If P*** wants a caring relationship but not a romantic one, I want the right to seek out romance and a fulfilling sexual life separate from our home (caring) life. 

*If P*** will not discuss the above - ie more of this perpetual limbo*

I will no longer spend hours everyday obsessing about fixing a relationship he doesn’t want fixed or doesn’t see as broken. I will not spend any more time I will spend a maximum of one hour a day on posting what i'm up to on the web. To help me thru these times.

I will spend March working on me – working out, riding, working in the business. Be kind and give as I get but no more than I either get or want to give. 

I will give myself and him the freedom to move on with our lives. I will not kick him out, but I will not encourage him to stay either. If he wants to stick around that's fine, but my life will no longer be on hold for him. 

I will work on my self esteem by giving most of my attention and love where I get it back, even if it means not spending too much time with or around P***. 

*Questions, posers and conundrums – *:scratchhead:

_*If P*** rejects me, how do I handle it?* _ Should I send a message that says I’m no longer going to put up with it or keep on being nice when he’s nice to me and just ignoring the rejection? (self esteem) 

*If P*** stands me up or doesn’t keep his promises how do I handle it?* No longer make plans with him as he stands me up by politely stating I don’t trust him or change my plans to include his promised time/ attention etc whether he stands me up or not?

*If P*** continues to accept my attention, affection, sex and love but does not equally reciprocate, how do I handle it?* Look elsewhere for these things outside our relationship or continue to hold out hope that someday he will change? (While watching my life slip away unloved without a fulfilling romantic or sexual life?)


----------



## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

wow, you managed to list all that? You should have just put it in a blog.. though, it's cute.. show your love to the world!

and congrats! :smthumbup:


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

heck, that was the short version  

congrats on what? the birthday? thank you


----------



## kate_spencer (Feb 20, 2009)

Maybe if I could have just more free time, I will..

I mean congrats on what you achieved from all this efforts, 
and Welcome!


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

oh.. then thanks i think. lol...


----------



## elenap (Jul 1, 2010)

y'know, Mort Fertel says that people can't stand to just take and take and take without giving, but I don't think I'm convinced of that. My sister's marriage looks entirely one-sided to me. And the Lone Ranger track wholly depends on the idea that if one partner gives enough, the other will eventually feel compelled to come around. 

I'm feeling really lucky that my husband is not one of those who can take and take and take. I think, however, that he may decide he is no longer willing to give to me, in which case he'll likely just refuse to take.


----------

