# Understanding a little why people cheat...



## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

I know I am going to get a little, or a lot of heat for this...but honestly I am starting to understand why people choose to cheat for certain reasons. I mean, I am a 25 yr old woman, with a higher than most woman's sex drive. I would have sex everyday if he was willing...even tho that isn't practical with a 4 yr old and a 6 month old along with me working 50 hr weeks, I'd still like to shoot for more than once a week b/c that once a week ends up horrible. I mean I really love him, I love our life together, yea sometimes he drives me crazy and we have our moments where I'd like to drop kick him in the head lol but all in all I'm happy with everything but the sex. Our sex life use to be great, and lately it's not even okay, I would honestly describe it as being HORRIBLE. First off, he's gained some weight, I'd say a good 50 lbs. I've probably up about 15lbs from when we first met but I also had a baby 6 months ago and I've lost most of it and don't look much bigger. He's growing his hair out, so the combination of the weight and the hair makes him sweat tons so he stops during sex about 10-15 times, pulls out and wipes his body down...really dude? And it's always when it just starts to get kinda good. It's very annoying. Then when we restart he can't get hard, which is a problem that has been happening ALOT lately and now that he's at home all day since being laid off I find porn on the computer everyday so it really upsets me that you can jerk off 5-7 days a week but the one time you have sex with me a week you can't get hard. Which tells me porn is starting to be an issue. Sex usually ends with me just being annoyed and done with the stopping and starting, or the baby cries. The last time we had sex the first 5 mins of sex while we were kissing he was touching himself instead of me, this really upset me because hello you should be touching ME!!! We've talked about all these issues over and over, and everytime he acts like it's me that always has to "start fights" or whatever. It's to the point where I literally don't want to have sex with him, and I'm tired of all the work involved for one crappy night of sex that ends in no satisfaction on either end. If i'm having sex for an hour instead of sleeping it better at least be good sex. Anyways, I can understand a little as to why men or women step out of the marriage for sex when that is the only thing really lacking. You still want the family, you still want your kids to have their mother and father in the same house but the sex is horrible. I hate to say it, but much more of this and I'll be looking elsewhere.


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

Based on a few facts such as the weight gain and getting laid off could suggest something more then just poor sex. Your husband could be battling depression. You have two kids and you are fooling yourself if you think no emotional bond will be formed by getting your sex elsewhere. You hurt your kids as much as your husband by cheating. Call me old-fashioned, but I think you need to exhaust every possibility before going elsewhere, and I think you owe him the courtesy of allowing him the choice to stay with you before doing anything like that behind his back. Invest in a good vibrator and take care of yourself lime the rest of the committed people who aren't happy with their sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

i cannot say it will help you any... but... my motto or just plain rule is, if i love them... but what I'm lacking is purely physical, then it'll take half the work flirting with the one i got and romancing their heart, than to waste it all on a stranger (plus it'll be cheaper too)...

if you truly feel you must seek comfort in another's arms, and you're aware of this, then do him and yourself a favor by separating and going through the process before seeking your hearts desire...

now it sounds like you care on some level... and it also sounds as depression is taking some form... don't sit on the sidelines waiting for him to get a clue, nothing is gained from inaction so if you are indeed a partner in this relationship, motivate him with positive reinforcement... in a marriage, relationship, or partnership we have to be ready to recognize a change in our mate and decide if its going to be a problem that affects us... you seem pretty aware and it obviously affects you now change your fate before seeking a new one...

you can take control of meals... cut out excess salts and fats... you can sit and talk with him, maybe explain keeping active keeps spirits high... i was unemployed for 2yrs and everything seemed bleak but i kept active being one who knew what severe depression can be like... compliment a look or style that you would like to see him in... "hey you would look too sexy with that haircut, i might have to keep my eye on you"... OK maybe not that obvious but you get the point... in short you have to put in some real effort before you decide to call an affair into play, and even then if you know its imminent then just leave....


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I too would like to have sex everyday, but that is unreasonable. Once a week would be nice too, I could live with that. My H and I have sex maybe once a month if that. We do have an almost 20 month old. Sex with my husband is not all that bad most of the time. 

My husband has also gained some weight since we have been married. I have lost almost 50 lbs in the last year. (i really needed to loose the weight)

For me having an affair is not for me, i tired. I talked to a man whom i met online and we talked about everything and i do mean everything. I just could not sleep with him. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to. We talked for 8 months. I recently ended things with him, about a month or so ago. And I do miss him. If i ever get to a point in my marriage when i really do want to go through with having sex with someone other then my husband, I will just get up and leave him.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Cheating is being a coward. Trying to get to the root of the problem, and working together to save the marriage might be a good start instead. 

If after you have tried everything, and nothing is working then present him with divorce papers first then go have your sexual needs met. Do whats right, so you can walk away from a marriage if you need to or it comes to that, feeling like you did all you could and that you don't have betrayal hanging over your head.


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## lovemywife4life520 (Jun 21, 2010)

If you have an affair you will regret it. You may not hurt your husband and your kids will probably never find out about it but i guarantee if you have any conscience you will feel guilty for a very, very long time. It's been almost 2 years for me and there isn't a day that goes by that i don't spend at least a combined hour feeling like a total ass. Thats without holding it inside. I told my wife and we worked things out but i can't imagine having all that stuff bottled up. Just work on your marriage and if it doesn't work then it just wasn't meant to be.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

sntdwn2ufrmhvn said:


> I know I am going to get a little, or a lot of heat for this...but honestly I am starting to understand why people choose to cheat for certain reasons. I mean, I am a 25 yr old woman, with a higher than most woman's sex drive. I would have sex everyday if he was willing...even tho that isn't practical with a 4 yr old and a 6 month old along with me working 50 hr weeks, I'd still like to shoot for more than once a week b/c that once a week ends up horrible. I mean I really love him, I love our life together, yea sometimes he drives me crazy and we have our moments where I'd like to drop kick him in the head lol but all in all I'm happy with everything but the sex. Our sex life use to be great, and lately it's not even okay, I would honestly describe it as being HORRIBLE. First off, he's gained some weight, I'd say a good 50 lbs. I've probably up about 15lbs from when we first met but I also had a baby 6 months ago and I've lost most of it and don't look much bigger. He's growing his hair out, so the combination of the weight and the hair makes him sweat tons so he stops during sex about 10-15 times, pulls out and wipes his body down...really dude? And it's always when it just starts to get kinda good. It's very annoying. Then when we restart he can't get hard, which is a problem that has been happening ALOT lately and now that he's at home all day since being laid off I find porn on the computer everyday so it really upsets me that you can jerk off 5-7 days a week but the one time you have sex with me a week you can't get hard. Which tells me porn is starting to be an issue. Sex usually ends with me just being annoyed and done with the stopping and starting, or the baby cries. The last time we had sex the first 5 mins of sex while we were kissing he was touching himself instead of me, this really upset me because hello you should be touching ME!!! We've talked about all these issues over and over, and everytime he acts like it's me that always has to "start fights" or whatever. It's to the point where I literally don't want to have sex with him, and I'm tired of all the work involved for one crappy night of sex that ends in no satisfaction on either end. If i'm having sex for an hour instead of sleeping it better at least be good sex. Anyways, I can understand a little as to why men or women step out of the marriage for sex when that is the only thing really lacking. You still want the family, you still want your kids to have their mother and father in the same house but the sex is horrible. I hate to say it, but much more of this and I'll be looking elsewhere.


sensing a bit of frustration...


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

sntdwn2ufrmhvn

I appreciate your candor and I agree with nice777guy, your frustration is at a critical level.

I am on the flip side, my wife lacks the sex drive. I have had 7 years or so of trying to work htrough it with her with no improvement. So, yes I can also see the need/desire to cheat. In moments of anger I wonder if it is the only way to "scratch the itch". I love her with all of my heart, but our sex life is dull and infrequent. 

But, I always calm down and wonder how in 20 years would I explain to my two kids that mommy and daddy aren't together anymore cuz daddy couldn't keep it in his pants? I have given up on improving my situation. A realtionship doesn't work if only one person tries to fix a broken area. 

Sure, people will tell you that you should leave him. Or you should stay for the kids. Who knows what the right answer is for you - it is much easier to give advice when you aren't in the middle of the relationship. 

I hope things get better for you.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

IMO, if you do that, it will more than likely cause even more problems than what you have now. BUT if you want to take that risk for a good time, then I guess you just do.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Mike188 said:


> I met a lady once on the internet. Her ad said she just wanted to talk to someone about her relationship (which is what I was needing at the time). I realized pretty quickly that she was looking for an affair partner. She told me about her husband's extremely low sex drive and how she had a year long affair a couple years ago. She said it really hurt him when he found out, but that she didn't feel any regret for doing it, even though she pretended she did. She said that he picked up the pace some after her affair, but is slacking off again and not fulfilling her needs so she is looking around again for a "new lover" as she put it. I guess she found who she was looking for because I never heard from her again.


Wow she sounds like a real winner.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

i wouldn't seriously cheat on him...but like i said i can certainly understand why people do. right now i basically just feel worthless, unattractive when i'm around him. i know that i'm not, i get hit on and flirted with all the time and when i am not around him i feel very attractive...but when i am around him, and i get no reaction whatsoever even when i walk around him half naked i feel like i must not be good enough for him. it's not a matter of me not willing to do certain things either, i'm up for anything anytime...we use to have great sex. after the baby things were great, better than great at times..2-3 times a week. i'm tired of talking about it with him, because he gets offended, and we fight, then instead of having that horrible sex we have no sex. i just feel like, he knew my sexual needs/wants before we even really started officially dating, and he was fine with them then...now we are in this for forever and suddenly you would rather look at naked strangers all day than me. i'm just really annoyed...and i really just feel like crying but i'm tired of crying...


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I understand you're frustrated, I think you have a right to be, however you need to try and find out why he is so disconnected from you. The porn isn't really the issue there is something else going on for why he feel the need to do that and reject you.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on you first 

Clearly there is lots of resentment on both sides. He feels emasculated, you feel like everything is on your head without any help/support from him. You want sex, but once you do have it you are not satisfied. He knows it, don't kid yourself, it's one of the reasons he can't stay hard.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Good and bad sex comes in phases for many people (at least in my experience). My marriage went through many of these cycles. It can get better. I think that being out of a job with two children is an extremely stressful thing for a family. This is especially difficult for a man because society still expects a man to provide and for better or worse, your self worth is often very much tied to your job. The porn is just an outlet here and I don't think it's directly involved in your sex problem but rather a symptom of the whole set of problems.

Considering the ups and downs of a couple's sex life and other cycles of change in a relationship and in the individuals in that relationship, cheating COULD be an appropriate response. If this is an appropriate response for you (and I'm not convinced that it is at this point) then you should be very careful with it. Don't start an affair as those destroy marriages. Keep it as a boyfriend for a night. I'll say again that from your post I don't think that this is the answer but it MIGHT be.

This might sound like irresponsible advice but I really don't see the harm in a little careful playing around (it might not even involve sex) if it would let you get through this period. But only if you see no other options. Do not get a disease, do not start an ongoing affair and be careful.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I'm sorry, but this is terrible advice. Do not cheat--period.

If you are so dissatisfied, tell your husband But seek medical help.

That includes marriage counseling. If you cannot resolve things, divorce him.

Keeping a secret lover is just wrong. It disrespects the essence of marriage.

Despite your husband's failings, he still is your husband. You owe it to him and yourself to try to fix things with professional help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sweet_jane (Mar 1, 2011)

I am going through pretty much the same thing as you! It's so frustrating, isn't it?

I'd like to chat more with you about how you're working your way through this and maybe we can exchange tips and advice and help eachother out.

I'm also feeling like I'm getting to the point of wanting to look elsewhere but really, solving the problem and not wanting to look elsewhere is what I really want. I'm sure you do too.

Best of luck, hope to hear from you sometime!


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

To the OP, I wonder if the weight gain, the unemployment and the fact that he knows that your are irritated him with in the bedroom has led to a high amount of sexual anxiety for him - which is why he goes to the porn - no pressure.
If I gained that much weight and was unemployed with a wife and kids, I'd feel like less of a man - and if on top of that if I knew wasn't happy with me sexually............ u might as well castrate me and get if over with.
You can't control his weight or his employment situation, but you can control your reaction/attitude to your sexual situation. 
Try and be more patient with him and not bite his head off when the sex gets lame. I'm not laying the all the blame on you, he obviously has plenty of blame himself, but you cannot control that - only your own actions.
Perhaps only go for some quickies first, since he cannot seem to last that long, then perhaps work yourselves more into some longer sessions (i hate that word, but I cant think of another). And be patient with him, you have to understand your frustration with him and how you show it only makes the situation worse.


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## Stone_Dagger (Mar 4, 2011)

From a male point of view & a husband. 
Dont Cheat. Although trust me i Understand the feeling when you have a high sex drive and your mate is not on the same page. Not only does it hurt (feelings) it doesn't feed our crave when we are supposed to be the ones that have it whenever we want it especially being in a committed relationship....furthermore you feel almost trapped. Especially when kids are involved & you don't want to jeopardize your home for Sex but it IS a MAJOR Factor!

Now i can also see his side of things....I put on about 50lbs after i loss my job and was on unemployment. I had serious, serious depression. The sad thing is i got no emotional support from my wife...no encouragement. As a matter of fact i began losing respect. Although i still did my part with little income, cleaning,cooking,still paying minor bills plus taking care of our daughter & trying to be the best dad possible when it came to my need for physical attention i got none.

Now i'm 36lbs down & still shedding, i feel Great i look better i got a new job & i'm enlisting in the military and i just found out she has been having an affair. Im beyond devastated. But wtf can i do?....

Listen...Dont cheat.
If its that bad make the decision to leave but id suggest you approach your husband and tell him straight up how u feel...tell him he gained weight and is not looking as hot as he used to be, but whatever you do don't point fingers...Encourage him and be tactful. his will not only break his depression it will motivate him & get him back to breaking that back whenever possible.

If tis doesn't work...
Pull the plug. & Live with your decision.


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## sntdwn2ufrmhvn (May 20, 2010)

stone dagger...the weight really isn't the issue except for it gets in the way of i think his ability to perform..as for me i love him regardless and am still attracted to him. quickies are fine by me, 10 mins of good sex and i'm str8, maybe occassionally longer but seriously i work long hours, take care of kids, and have things to do. HE however isn't into quickies, and even sometimes "holds back" when the need to let go arises, b/c he's not ready to be done yet, so usually when he does that it causes him to go soft, also the repeated stopping to wipe off sweat makes him go soft, which again doesn't bother me if sweat is on me, hello we are having sex, sweat is fine but for some reason HE has to wipe down 30 times during. i don't belittle him, or talk down to him or anything, i encourage him in every way i can but damn he could do more around the house too. i'm not super woman, i can't work 50 hr weeks, clean the house, cook, do laundry, grocery shop, do dr appointments, etc...and still get no sexual relief i mean really...you sit at home and all you do is watch the kid, watch porn, and play video games. i'm sorry but if you have a hot wife that puts out, and wants you daily, would give you blow jobs on off nights of sex willingly, and is up for anything sexually...and you would rather masturbate then you are an idiot...so therefore my dh is an idiot. plain and simple. i've talked and talked and talked to him.......it's not getting through...it's whatever at this point.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

sntdwn2ufrmhvn said:


> I know I am going to get a little, or a lot of heat for this...but honestly I am starting to understand why people choose to cheat for certain reasons. I mean, I am a 25 yr old woman, with a higher than most woman's sex drive. I would have sex everyday if he was willing...even tho that isn't practical with a 4 yr old and a 6 month old along with me working 50 hr weeks, I'd still like to shoot for more than once a week b/c that once a week ends up horrible. I mean I really love him, I love our life together, yea sometimes he drives me crazy and we have our moments where I'd like to drop kick him in the head lol but all in all I'm happy with everything but the sex. Our sex life use to be great, and lately it's not even okay, I would honestly describe it as being HORRIBLE. First off, he's gained some weight, I'd say a good 50 lbs. I've probably up about 15lbs from when we first met but I also had a baby 6 months ago and I've lost most of it and don't look much bigger. He's growing his hair out, so the combination of the weight and the hair makes him sweat tons so he stops during sex about 10-15 times, pulls out and wipes his body down...really dude? And it's always when it just starts to get kinda good. It's very annoying. Then when we restart he can't get hard, which is a problem that has been happening ALOT lately and now that he's at home all day since being laid off I find porn on the computer everyday so it really upsets me that you can jerk off 5-7 days a week but the one time you have sex with me a week you can't get hard. Which tells me porn is starting to be an issue. Sex usually ends with me just being annoyed and done with the stopping and starting, or the baby cries. The last time we had sex the first 5 mins of sex while we were kissing he was touching himself instead of me, this really upset me because hello you should be touching ME!!! We've talked about all these issues over and over, and everytime he acts like it's me that always has to "start fights" or whatever. It's to the point where I literally don't want to have sex with him, and I'm tired of all the work involved for one crappy night of sex that ends in no satisfaction on either end. If i'm having sex for an hour instead of sleeping it better at least be good sex. Anyways, I can understand a little as to why men or women step out of the marriage for sex when that is the only thing really lacking. You still want the family, you still want your kids to have their mother and father in the same house but the sex is horrible. I hate to say it, but much more of this and I'll be looking elsewhere.


You are right...about the getting heat. You have to remember you aren't "dating" and don't have a commitment. Instead of thinking about screwing up your life/marriage/family, you should be thinking about sex therapy with your husband. It's sort of hard to be deeply and madly in love with h if you're screwing around with someone else. I agree it sucks when you are not satisfied during/at the end of sex....but the guilt, anxiety and the hurt to both your family and h aren't worth it. You haven't been married for that long so give it time. Good luck!!!!


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

I have to agree w/ the majority, cheaters suck. If you want to break the man when he's down it's your life but there seems good reason why he is struggling, why can't you see more than just you. I didn't read all posts so I may be repeating this but if you are in love you'd never even think like this. I am a man who was cheated on, I never saw it coming, she ran me thru the blender, my heart is still in pieces. One night a friend asks me to go out, get some air he tells me, I have a friend who'll rock your world, all you have to do is show up and you're getting laid. I did go but when I realized the amount of hurt I'd do to my family, not just my wife but the kids as well I couldn't go thru w/ it. I walked away a better man, my wife had even told me it was ok, she told me to even the score, but it's just not me, is it who you are?
Mouse


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is something I do not understand about this thread, everyone is jumping on her, while not seeming to think it is totally outrageous that he is jacking to porn X amount of times a week. 

It is not that I even think PORN is wrong, or a form of cheating at all, but if she wants him, and he is refusing, while doing this while she is working, that in itself is a form of cheating & neglect to her. She has every right to be fuming. 

He either needs to get some Viagra & be with his "willing" wife, and stop spilling his seed every day to naked nobodys on a screen. That is just as vile as her finding someone else -since he has left the marraige & brought this pain upon her. Of coarse there is always 2 sides to every story, I am just going by what is offered. 

Look into Marriage Counseling - if other issues need to be addressed (resentment, etc) , He needs to ask his Doctor for some Viagra on top of this (obviously his hormones are OK if he is desiring porn) . If this then still continues, he has no care for you, ask for a separation /Divorce -tell him you need more from a man who vowed to love & cherish you --or ask for an Open marraige -if he wants to contrinue his solo journey with a computer screen, cause that is never what YOU signed up for .


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

it's all played out here everyday on talkaboutmarriage....the wedge that slowly forms. the transition between horny and engaged couple and disconnected couple.

I truly believe that people need fulfilling sex and if they can't get that with their partner, they will just go elsewhere. It's not right or wrong, it just is. simple fact of life.

but the shame is when couples become disconnected and they want the same thing but they no longer find it with each other. i truly think that this is usually a boredom and extinguishing of the spark that could be avoided given the right attention. but we get too old to care. too distracted by life's stresses with children, expensive, stressful lifestyles, too cynical. too bored. and our once hot relationships die. then separately we come to places like this both complaining about lack of intimacy. sad.


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