# I need help please wife cheated



## SteveSchuylkill

I would like any good notations on any inconsistencies you may see in her story please as well as thoughts on how to handle my situation. Been married almost 20 years, I feel I can't and don't want to live without her I love her that much, As far as I know there has been no previous cheating by either of us.
The other day I was laying on the floor using her phone to google some Jeep parts, she was walking on my back and talking to one of our daughters (2 girls 14 and 19) a text popped up that said "I love you to, just not like you do" she didn't notice at first so I quickly tried to reply but caught in mid action as she snatched the phone out of my hands, I said who was that, she said "I don't know wrong number I guess" I said well hand it here we can ask who it is, but by the time I finished speaking she deleted all traces of the text and and cleared all hopes of recovering the sender number.
Of course I was very suspicious and she repeatedly denied it, later that evening I got a confession from her, she said it was an ex in fact her first love, from a town two hours away which we both grew up in, I knew the fella as well, we all grew up in the same town. She admitted to bumping in to him at a softball game that her and our two daughters attended several months ago, she introduced him to our daughters and they have verified this. According to her a month later he text her and ask things like how she been and how are marriage was and such, after a few weeks of texting they decided to meet, at his mothers house because he is also married with kids and his mom wasn't going to be home, my wife knows his family because they went out many years ago for a long time. According to her, she lied to me and got dressed for work, kissed me goodnight as she works night shift, and left, but actually went to meet him, she says she parked out front of the house and texted him and he told her to just come in, he was setting on one end of the sofa and she sat on the other, they talked for about twenty minutes and leaned into each other and started kissing, then fondling, then they stood up and stripped and he nailed her on the floor for ten minutes, so she says. She told me he did no foreplay or anything just a quicky more or less and she swears she didn't come, although he did inside her, but tubes tied, and she is going to get checked for STDs although she says I have had sex with her about four times since, anyways, she says shortly after she left and drove the car to a park parking and cried from guilt, and slept there. I caught his text a week or two after the sex, the one mentioned above stating "I love you to, just not like you do" so I asked what she had texted before this response and she said "Thanks you, that made me feel special, I love you" she swears her I love you was meaningless but if so why does he find the need to add "But not like you" she said all previous texting had not included anything about love and that she don't know why she said it, but that the sex was meaningless, yet she texted him this weeks later, to me it sounds as though she was trying to make a relationship, got denied, and is trying to get me back.
She said they didnt exchange numbers that she dont know how he got hers, yet in that town only her family knows her number and he dont even know where we live two hours away. As far as me calling him, she said she deleted the evidence and don't know any other way to get the number, and all of her family denys having it. So I cant contact him, although I am from that same town and if I venture down I may be able to find him.
There might be more but for now this is the jist, I love her to death and don't want to lose her, but I have a few hangups...
One sex for sex would have been not as bad, but the 'I love you' thing is killing me, she says it wasnt meant like that, but I dont buy as his message seems that he needed to clarify to her that he didnt love her in the same way, and also I dont understand how he interpreted her having a certain volume of love for him from her one text only, I think she must have said it more times or was trying to create a relationship and all it was for him was booty.
She says she is sorry and cries bad asking for forgiveness although she cant expect me to and says the experience showed her just how much she really loves me, and I honestly have always loved her deeply and want to make this work, not sure if I can I am devastated.
I need to know if she loves him, and if she had intentions of starting a relationship or not. Any help anything would be great, I can't think right and am sure Ill have more to add but I am stuck on this part right now, I cant move forward untill I know what the I love you stuff means


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## SteveSchuylkill

She said she cheated because she needed more affection, things have been rough around here for a few years, and after this we have talked and discovered a few problems, one being we kinda grew apart as we decided to dedicate our time to our baby girls, and never use child care, we never went on dates alone, if we went to eat it was all four of us, we never did anything alone, even sex we kept kinda quit because of the kids hearing, we always thought we would have OUR time when they got older, of course the created nastiness in each towards the other eventually.


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## Shaggy

1. Put a voice activated recorder in her car, under the seat, and secure with Velcro.

2. Note the mileage on her car.

3. Pull her credit card records, you are looking for fill up records and purchase in his town

4. Do not warn her, but tomorrow call his wife and let her know about the sex.

5. She must take a polygraph test

6. She has to write him a no content letter

7. Exposé her to her family and yours back that the town, word is gonna get out that she's coming home to cheat on you, best to get out in front of it.

8. Do not just accept it and start working of forgiveness. She has a lot of work to earn a second chance, if there is going to be one. Her cheating was thoroughly thought out and planned. You can bet she bought new lingerie for him.

9. Btw take the clothes she wore for him a literally burn them in front of her - clothes, shoes, perfume, jewelry -everything she wore to see him.

10. Take away her phone, tonight. That way all texts will be seen by you.

11. See if a text recovery program can recover the deleted texts.

12. Check for photos she sent him, and got from him.

13. She hands over all passwords and online accounts to you tonight. all of them

14. Go see a lawyer for a consult. You may not file, but know your options and costs.


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## Shaggy

SteveSchuylkill said:


> She said she cheated because she needed more affection, things have been rough around here for a few years, and after this we have talked and discovered a few problems, one being we kinda grew apart as we decided to dedicate our time to our baby girls, and never use child care, we never went on dates alone, if we went to eat it was all four of us, we never did anything alone, even sex we kept kinda quit because of the kids hearing, we always thought we would have OUR time when they got older, of course the created nastiness in each towards the other eventually.


Stop. - this is blaming YOU for her choosing to cheat.

Do not accept this lie.

She cheated because she wanted to have sex with him.

She lied to you because she wanted to have sex with a married man.

And if she sticks to the cheaters script, you are going to find out its been more than the one time.

Think back to that next morning. Did she seems guilty or fully of remorse? I'm betting the answer is nope, not a bit..


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## tom67

Shaggy said:


> 1. Put a voice activated recorder in her car, under the seat, and secure with Velcro.
> 
> 2. Note the mileage on her car.
> 
> 3. Pull her credit card records, you are looking for fill up records and purchase in his town
> 
> 4. Do not an her, but tomorrow call his wife and let her know about the sex.
> 
> 5. She must take a polygraph test
> 
> 6. She has to write him a no content letter
> 
> 7. Exposé her to her family and yours back that the town, word is gonna get out that she's coming home to cheat on you, best to get out in front of it.
> 
> 8. Do not just accept it and start working of forgiveness. She has a lot of work to earn a second chance, if there is going to be one. Her cheating was thoroughly thought out and planned. You can bet she bought new lingerie for him.
> 
> 9. Btw take the clothes she wore for him a literally burn them in front of her - clothes, shoes, perfume, jewelry -everything she wore to see him.
> 
> 10. Take away her phone, tonight. That way all texts will be seen by you.
> 
> 11. See if a text recovery program can recover the deleted texts.
> 
> 12. Check for photos she sent him, and got from him.
> 
> 13. She hands over all passwords and online accounts to you tonight. all of them
> 
> 14. Go see a lawyer for a consult. You may not file, but know your options and costs.


:iagree::iagree::iagreelease do this asap to have a chance of saving this you have to be willing to end it. You will understand this later.


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## MovingAhead

I am sorry you are here brother. You have a couple of choices... You can file for D or reconcile.

The fact that this happened is just crap! Is the OM married? If so, you probably will want to tell his wife what happened...

You are in the first stages now... This is the save your marriage at all costs stage but the marriage you have cannot be saved. You will have to make a new marriage. The wife you thought you had is not the wife you have. She has been lying and manipulative of you and she cheated on her own family to fulfill her selfish and fantasy dreams...

Make no doubt she probably was bad mouthing you to the OM... You don't have the full scope of what happened I doubt. If you want to R, then she needs to be remorseful, and honest and choose you over anything else. She has to write a No Contact letter to OM and be absolutely transparent. If she is not, then you have to prepare to move on because R will fail.

I am sorry you are here brother. People have a ton of experience with this, and your W is going buy the cheater handbook. In honesty you are going through the betrayed spouse handbook too. It will get worse before it gets better. Read and prepare to do the 180. Don't believe her for one minute and start being sneaky and gathering evidence on her to make sure she has stopped the Affair. What she tells you is probably 1/10 of what actually happened. She is just telling you enough right now so as to keep all of her options open.


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## MovingAhead

Shaggy is spot on! This is a common script. It is NOT your fault SHE cheated. She CHOSE to cheat!

Could you have been a better H and dad, sure... Could she have been a better W and mom you bet. Don't blame yourself. It is called blameshifting! Don't get sucked into that. Be strong here. Don't give into her crap. Being nice and weak now will seal your fate in Divorce. Be understanding but remember she chose to do a very bad thing and don't sweep it under the rug. Deal with it head on or your chances of R are small to none.


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## Will_Kane

You already see the holes in her story.

About half the posters here come with a "just one time" story. It's almost always a lie. It is not out of the question here, because the "I don't love you that way" text would back up that this still is pretty early on. Doesn't rule it out, however.

*Check the phone records*. They were communicating via text. His number will be on the phone bill. Also, you can go back and see how often they texted.

How many times do you think they talked/texted before she decided to lie to you, call in sick, and go see him? A lot of times, that's how many.

Of course she was in love with him. She wasn't going to throw away 20 years of marriage without being in love, just for some sex. Some cheaters are that way, but not your wife. She gave him sex in exchange for his love. She may not have been texting her love for him, but if you were able to see the content of her texts, you would be able to easily see how needy she came off towards him. She drove to him to give him sex - that's not unheard of, but it's not normal, usually it is the guy who will do the traveling and spring for a hotel.

Lucky for you he doesn't want her. If he did, she wouldn't quit the affair so easily. As it is, I doubt the contact is over. She WILL try to contact him again, she can't give up on love so easily without talking to him again to make sure that's how he feels about her.

Buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty Velcro. Put one in her car and one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around.

Here's where you stand right now: Your wife is desperate to keep you from divorcing her; she needs you for the time being; she loves you but is not "in love" with you or "sexually attracted" to you; that can be rebuilt, but you haven't even started that yet; your wife is "in love" with the other man and, if she had time to develop the relationship and he was willing, she would have been gone in less than three months.

Tell your wife you need the truth, that her story doesn't make sense. Make her write down the other man's name, home phone number, email address, street address, cell phone number, and work phone number. Your wife knows all of those. She was in love with him and wouldn't have had sex with him otherwise. Tell her if she doesn't give you a way to get in touch with other man, you will divorce her. If she doesn't, go and file. This will show just how committed she is to the other man.

Ask your wife to handwrite a "no contact" letter to the other man. Other Man Name, I am horribly ashamed of my behavior and for risking losing my husband, who is the love of my life and better than you in every way that is important to me. Do not ever attempt to contact me in any way, shape or form or I will file harassment charges against you. Signed, WifeName. That's it, no terms of endearment or sorry it didn't work out, no niceties of any kind. It should be HANDwritten, ON PAPER, given to you to read and then mail certified mail to the other man's address. Your wife has his address.

Ask your wife to tell you if any contact occurs with other man. Ask her to have "no contact" with other man. "No contact" means no contact whatsoever, no texts, no emails, no phone calls, no facebook messages, and if he contacts her or even attempts to, she tells you IMMEDIATELY, not just the same day, but within five minutes. Make sure she knows, no contact means she doesn't even look up other man's facebook page.

Ask your wife to change her phone number and block other man on her phone.

Ask your wife to delete her email address. From now on, she can share yours.

Ask your wife to delete her facebook and any other social media accounts. She can re-establish when you are comfortable enough.

As for you, find out other man's wife's contact info and let her know what happened. Blow up this affair so other man really throws your wife under the bus. Don't tell your wife you are doing this, do it without her knowledge, keep it secret from her. See if she finds out (she will).

Ask your wife to write down a timeline of the affair, including the first time she told other man she loved him, when she decided to have sex, how many times she did it, and when it ended. Tell her you may ask her to take a polygraph to prove any detail that you think is a lie.

Ask your wife to give you the clothes she wore the only night she confessed to so far, including any lingerie. Go burn it in the yard, let her see you do it.

If you've been crying, whining, pleading, begging, stop it. It will do a lot of harm and no good. If she doesn't want to agree to these conditions, then file for divorce.


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## Will_Kane

Yeah, a lot of us here say basically the same things. We've been here awhile and have seen what works and what doesn't.

Most of it has to do with keeping no secrets and trying to rebuild trust, and to help you heal. And finding out the truth, how deep was the affair, how she really feels, not just the lie she tells you because she has no place else to go.


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## SteveSchuylkill

Her phone is pay as you go T Mobile Prism, she buys cards for refills, I didn't have any luck and it seems pay as go doesn't have records ? Any help with this please, I feel sick now, I think I have been fooling myself.


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Her phone is pay as you go T Mobile Prism, she buys cards for refills, I didn't have any luck and it seems pay as go doesn't have records ? Any help with this please, I feel sick now, I think I have been fooling myself.


I am sorry brother. I think you may have been. Get a VAR, Voice Activated Recorder... (Weightlifter) is the one who knows this inside and out. You can PM him or check his post. There is an evidence gathering thread too. I'm sorry for you. I really am. I was you 1.5 years ago. I wish I knew about this place. The cheaters all follow the same script. Don't take this the wrong way. You aren't special. Your wife is following the script to a T.


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## lenzi

Problem is that she is justifying her affair.

"You didn't give me enough attention so I went and screwed some other guy".

As compared to talking to you about it, and then eventually realizing she was never going to be happy because she tried as hard as she could to make you aware of the problems in the relationship, and then filing for divorce, moving into separate residences, and then, going and finding some new guy who she thinks can satisfy her more.

The way she did it, cheating on you, is a cowardly act of deception and if there's any chance of this working out between the two of you she needs to own it and do whatever is necessary to make it right and that includes not making any excuses.


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## SteveSchuylkill

I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


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## thatbpguy

I know you love her but she CLEARLY has neither respect or love for you.

What can I say?

Nothing except for a divorce.

Otherwise, go ahead and torture yourself indefinitely.


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## happyman64

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Her phone is pay as you go T Mobile Prism, she buys cards for refills, I didn't have any luck and it seems pay as go doesn't have records ? Any help with this please, I feel sick now, I think I have been fooling myself.


You are not sick. That is your gut telling you she is full of crap and playing you.

You love your daughters right? What woman, especially your wife, their mother would even introduce them to her boyfriend???

A cheating wife and lousy mother.

Go ahead and tell your girl what their momma did.

Then see how they feel about their mother.

Set an example Steve. And do not be a fool for your wife.

because she is treating you like one.


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## Shaggy

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


But you already have been living without her. She stopped being with you when she decided to begin having sex it's him. That washer abandoning the marriage.

If you want to have a chance at a successful reconciliation, understand that you cannot nice her back to being faithful.

First you must destroy the affair - that's why you are going to expose, starting with the OM wife ASAP.


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## jay_gatsby

happyman64 said:


> You are not sick. That is your gut telling you she is full of crap and playing you.
> 
> You love your daughters right? What woman, especially your wife, their mother would even introduce them to her boyfriend???
> 
> A cheating wife and lousy mother.
> 
> Go ahead and tell your girl what their momma did.
> 
> Then see how they feel about their mother.
> 
> Set an example Steve. And do not be a fool for your wife.
> 
> because she is treating you like one.


I don't want to disrespect Happy, but I always had a problem with most posters here when they assume the cheating partner is a bad parent, and that no matter what the cost to the children, they should be told what a POS their mom/dad was, without knowing they are a bad parent. Parenting skills do not necessarily correlate with marriage skills. Why can't a person suck at being a mate, but be great as a parent???

Just asking...


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## Will_Kane

It's all normal, Steve. When you first realize the truth, real truth, it hits you hard.

The truth is, that no matter what, you are going to be OK.

Your wife may have been an honest loyal person at one time. She is not that now. Her recent behavior has been lying and secrecy. Be very skeptical of what she says. Doubt everything, question everything.

Just ran into other man at a softball game? Possible. Also may have been a planned date, they may have re-connected via facebook and planned that meet-up.

As far as I can tell, no cheater has told the truth right off the bat. It's usually at least a week or two of lies, and at first they only will admit to what you have evidence to prove.

Other man's wife may have details to help you find the truth. She also can help but the kibosh on the affair.

Use your common sense. Does it make any sense that your wife would have no way to contact this guy, would not be able to tell you how to do so?


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## Will_Kane

Can she contact him from her job?


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


When I had my Dday, I lost 30 lbs in 10 days. I was where you are right now. Please listen to this. You don't have to understand it but it's true.

1. You cannot NICE your way out of this. Being the sweet loving husband will not win her back! There is no winning her back, she is yours or she is not. Cowboy up! You put away your sad feelings and be a man now. Be strong. Don't choose what she tells you. Choose what is right. Demand her respect.

2. I know it hurts. Mine still hurts. When I have to give the kids back, it really hurts! I hate it. DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS in front of her. SHE WILL LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU. She may have a smidgeon now but that is it.

3. You HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOSE HER TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. You have to let her go and she has to choose to stay. If you are unwilling to do this, she will play you for a chump. This is the script. It happens all the time!

4. Your wife treated you like dog crap on the bottom of her shoe. She F**KED another man. She told him what a bad lover you were. She F**KED him with no regards to your daughters. She is teaching your daughters how to be a WH**RE!!! That is who you are in love with?!! Really? Seriously WTF? You want to be married to a WH**RE like that?!

The woman you were married to is gone. This is who you are married to now!!!! Realize this now!!!!!!!!!!! Your wife is a CHEATING WH**RE who F**KS some clown.

The woman she was is gone. She may or may not be there. She may be gone. You need to accept reality of who you are dealing with and don't fool yourself. You want to save the lie you thought was your marriage... YOU CANNOT. You can have a new marriage with the woman who has the potential of being a great mom and wife but she has to come clean, be totally honest and remorseful, own her stuff and you own yours and you work at it. Anything else is just a waste of time and D is imminent.

I am sorry you are here but those 4 points need to be driven into your understanding ASAP. Shaggy's post of next steps is your best bet on what you should do now. Get on it!


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## SteveSchuylkill

I haven't ate or slept for four days, my eyes feel like glass in them, I have been trying everywhere to find out if "Pay As You Go T Mobile" has phone records and if so how do I get them, I neeed help please I cant find anything


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## MovingAhead

I'm sorry I'm so blunt, but you are in denial... I've been there so I just cut to the chase brother.


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I haven't ate or slept for four days, my eyes feel like glass in them, I have been trying everywhere to find out if "Pay As You Go T Mobile" has phone records and if so how do I get them, I neeed help please I cant find anything


Then go to the next steps... Find his info.. Contact his WIFE and tell her. Get a VAR and use it.


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## MovingAhead

jay_gatsby said:


> Why can't a person suck at being a mate, but be great as a parent???
> 
> Just asking...


Not that I condone telling the children their mom is a %[email protected]#...

To answer your question, because being a parent is leading by example and setting good examples. Being a cheating spouse sets a terrible example to the children. You are in a terrible marriage.... get out but cheating, ruining the family for selfish reasons... very bad. The emotional and financial consequences alone show poor parenting decisions.


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## thatbpguy

jay_gatsby said:


> I don't want to disrespect Happy, but I always had a problem with most posters here when they assume the cheating partner is a bad parent, and that no matter what the cost to the children, they should be told what a POS their mom/dad was, without knowing they are a bad parent. Parenting skills do not necessarily correlate with marriage skills. Why can't a person suck at being a mate, but be great as a parent???
> 
> Just asking...


Although there may be the exception here and there, I think it's a fair assumption.

I mean, think about it... what kind of a person is it who betrays their spouse? Answer- 99% of the time a damn poor one and for more reasons than one can list. 

As such, I think it's far to state such a person doesn't have it in them to be a good parent because they are also betraying the kids and the family as a whole. 

So how one can fully betray the faith in them their children have and be a great parent at the same time strikes me as quite the conundrum.


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## Jonesey

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


Steve i´m not trying to take some cheep shot´s at you.

But you really need to fight the urge ,and i really mean fight
urge to let her know what you just posted...

It is just counter productive.It wil serve you no good
it will only give her more sense of control.If you wont
a successful reconciliation based one true remorse,and
and full time line of the affair.Yes i´m sorry to say it..
But her story she has given you has more holes in it. 
then there is swiss cheese..

Try you´re hardest( I KNOW EASIER SAID THEN DONE)to give her the feeling there is a divorce coming her way.unless she start´s talking.


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## Shaggy

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I haven't ate or slept for four days, my eyes feel like glass in them, I have been trying everywhere to find out if "Pay As You Go T Mobile" has phone records and if so how do I get them, I neeed help please I cant find anything


Look if the less is stalled at the moment move to next things.

You should keep the phone , get her a new one with a new number you can monitor.

Use spokeo or similar service like even the phone book, to find his wife and inform her. Btw, she may already know and possibly can give you info you don't have.

Btw, has your wife warned him that you found out?

Oh, and post him up on cheaterville.com tonight.

Taking action will help you feel much better because you will be acting instead of suffering.


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## SteveSchuylkill

I cant find his info, or her phone records. I called 411 and all the numbers I got for Donald Gainer in Columbia, PA and none was his, I haven't tried different spellings because it seems hopeless, how else can I find him, those are the only facts I know about him, it might be Ganer, or Gayner, but is there another way ?


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## jay_gatsby

MovingAhead said:


> Not that I condone telling the children their mom is a %[email protected]#...
> 
> To answer your question, because being a parent is leading by example and setting good examples. Being a cheating spouse sets a terrible example to the children. You are in a terrible marriage.... get out but cheating, ruining the family for selfish reasons... very bad. The emotional and financial consequences alone show poor parenting decisions.


Thank you, that was very well worded. I hope I did not sidetrack this thread.


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## SteveSchuylkill

yes she can call him from her cell, and she is at work now with her cell but declared she dont know the number


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## jay_gatsby

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I cant find his info, or her phone records. I called 411 and all the numbers I got for Donald Gainer in Columbia, PA and none was his, I haven't tried different spellings because it seems hopeless, how else can I find him, those are the only facts I know about him, it might be Ganer, or Gayner, but is there another way ?


Steve, does your wife have a FB account? If they knew each other from before and come from the same area, chances are they are friends.


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> yes she can call him from her cell, and she is at work now with her cell but declared she dont know the number


Steve, Your wife is playing you for a damn fool so my question is ARE YOU one? She texted him... She texted him via his PHONE NUMBER! This is a BLATANT LIE and you let it go! This will lead you to divorce to sweep crap like this under the rug.

Tell her to give you the number and address now or pack her bags and you can tell the kids together what she is doing! Don't be surprised at all if she TRIES TO GET THE kids to be on her side in this and turn them against you... Don't let that happen. You are being a doormat. She is full of crap so COWBOY up and call her on it. She is still having the AFFAIR!!!! FYI at least in her delusional fantasy mind!


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## lovewins

The single most important thing you can do is learn and VERIFY the entire truth. Stop the I can't live without her bull$h1t because you can... You are a survivor not a victim, and right now it is important that you think like that. 

Once you determine she is lying...and I bet large sums of money she is lying (she is in survival mode...trust nothing), ask for the real timeline of events based on the information you have. Then do everything you can to VERIFY that.

It's going to get worse, unfortunately, but you must have the whole truth or you will have DDay hell like groundhogs day -- the knives in your back will keep coming. It is better for her to give the whole truth now...trickling truth will be her downfall for any chance of R. Without the full truth, the R is doomed.

You cannot find forgiveness for her if you don't know what you are forgiving.

Good luck, really.


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## SteveSchuylkill

I need help tracking him down ?


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## tom67

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I need help tracking him down ?


First expose to family-both sides- then you said you have people in that town ask around or hire a pi and give him the info you have. This will be exposed.


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I need help tracking him down ?


If the phone is a SHARED part of the family, meaning you pay some of the bills on it, it's legally your phone. Take it from her, go through all the calls and find the number! 

Get a key logger on her computer! Get a VAR! Hire a PI!!! Stop making excuses about the track phone and do other things... I know you are hurt and can't think straight right now but you have to do the things like breaking up the affair first. It hasn't stopped.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

SteveSchuylkill,

So your WS said the OM was "an ex in fact her first love"... You do realize that there could be WAY more to this affair then she letting on, right?

They where at least BF and GF for a while. All ready had a track record of having sex together.

If she blew off work to go screw him that night, it's more than likely that there were other nights/times also. At the least, there was much more contact between them before the sex happened.

Brace yourself, this is bigger than your WS has let on so far. I know you want to stay with her, but think about what the "deal breaker" is for you, now. Don't wait until you find out more.

Tell your wife that you are scheduling a polygraph. Then watch her reaction. She either will out right tell you NO, or let you schedule it - Then the TTing begins...

I'm sorry that you are here. Now that you are here, listen to the advice that you get. Weigh your options. You won't like allot of what we tell you, but it's things that you now need to know about. 

Getting as informed as possible before making decisions regarding your marriage now is your best bet. Also, try to decide things with you head, not your heart. The less that you feel, the better you'll deal...


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## SteveSchuylkill

whats a VAR and the phone is a pay as you go and she gave me full access but she said she already deleted it all and cant remember the number and I cant afford a PI or any type devices


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## SteveSchuylkill

Where do I go for a Polygraph and whats the prices ?


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## Will_Kane

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I haven't ate or slept for four days, my eyes feel like glass in them, I have been trying everywhere to find out if "Pay As You Go T Mobile" has phone records and if so how do I get them, I neeed help please I cant find anything


Usually you can see the numbers that were called. You would have to log in to the same place where you buy the minutes, use your account number and password, then you should be able to see a history of calls, texts, data usage.

She can contact customer service and ask them how to get the phone numbers she called while you listen on another line or on speaker.


----------



## lovewins

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I need help tracking him down ?


You can PM me and I will give you more info on him. I need name, hometown, phone number, or any details you have...hopefully enough.

Sorry if I missed it. What kind of remorse are you seeing from you lying, adulterous, deceitful wife? Does she feel guilt? Is she begging for you to not leave her (she should be)?


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## SteveSchuylkill

Yes she is crying begging remorseful and supposedly helping me to track him down, she also agreed to when we find an address or phone number to go with and ask his side of the story so I can compare, and she agreed to be quit while doing so as well as us two going and telling his wife, and she said she would tell him she doesnt want him and that she loves me and only me, I think she is honestly done and that it was maybe only a one time try and see thing she kinda said she felt like she was missing something but afterwards she realized she wasnt but again that seems odd that she texted him I love you week or so later


----------



## tom67

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes she is crying begging remorseful and supposedly helping me to track him down, she also agreed to when we find an address or phone number to go with and ask his side of the story so I can compare, and she agreed to be quit while doing so as well as us two going and telling his wife, and she said she would tell him she doesnt want him and that she loves me and only me, I think she is honestly done and that it was maybe only a one time try and see thing she kinda said she felt like she was missing something but afterwards she realized she wasnt but again that seems odd that she texted him I love you week or so later


:slap::slap::slap:


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Where do I go for a Polygraph and whats the prices ?


It's not the actual doing it... It's her reaction on it. You need to be more stable before you do that. You are still too much in the letting her push you around phase and being weak...

VAR = Voice Activated Recorder.

Go through your whole thread and read the replies carefully. Take notes brother. There was a lot of good advice for you!


----------



## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes she is crying begging remorseful and supposedly helping me to track him down, she also agreed to when we find an address or phone number to go with and ask his side of the story so I can compare, and she agreed to be quit while doing so as well as us two going and telling his wife, and she said she would tell him she doesnt want him and that she loves me and only me, I think she is honestly done and that it was maybe only a one time try and see thing she kinda said she felt like she was missing something but afterwards she realized she wasnt but again that seems odd that she texted him I love you week or so later


She is playing you brother. She is crying because she got caught or her affair partner banger her and dumped her... just sayin....

She can absolutely get his number! Holy CRAP! You are being taken for a ride! She is full of crap! She is probably telling him now that you know and they will take the AFFAIR under ground so it will be harder to track...


----------



## lovewins

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes she is crying begging remorseful and supposedly helping me to track him down, she also agreed to when we find an address or phone number to go with and ask his side of the story so I can compare, and she agreed to be quit while doing so as well as us two going and telling his wife, and she said she would tell him she doesnt want him and that she loves me and only me, I think she is honestly done and that it was maybe only a one time try and see thing she kinda said she felt like she was missing something but afterwards she realized she wasnt but again that seems odd that she texted him I love you week or so later


Sadly you are looking at the surface of an iceberg. If she is serious, she needs to come clean with the full story (an itinerary of the relationship, with all details, and for each event what she told you she was doing vs the reality of what was happening). She needs to understand that you love her, but you need the entire story, no matter how painful that may be. I promise you that TT (trickling truth) will reduce any chance you or she has on dealing with what has happened, whether it was just a recent event (it wasn't!), or whether it has been going on for the last decade. 

Out of curiousity, how long has your wife had a pre-paid cell phone? Did she ever not have a pre-paid cell phone? How frequently does she change her number. 

We obviously know few details but she has probably been covering her deceitful tracks for some time now.


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## MovingAhead

Talking to the other man is a waste of time! Trust me on this...

Talking to his WIFE is where you can make progress! Please trust me on this.


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## SteveSchuylkill

she is old school but not me and daughters we turned her on to fb a year ago and I monitor that and I got her her first phone about a year ago and she never changed number but it has always been pay as you go


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## Jonesey

SteveSchuylkill said:


> *I would like any good notations on any inconsistencies you may see in her story *
> Like i said more holes then i swiss chese
> 
> please as well as thoughts on how to handle my situation. Been married almost 20 years, I feel I can't and don't want to live without her I love her that much, As far as I know there has been no previous cheating by either of us.
> The other day I was laying on the floor using her phone to google some Jeep parts, she was walking on my back and talking to one of our daughters (2 girls 14 and 19) a text popped up that said "I love you to, just not like you do" she didn't notice at first so I quickly tried to reply but caught in mid action as* she snatched the phone out of my hands,* I said who was that, she said* "I don't know wrong number* I guess" I said well hand it here we can ask who it is, but by the time I finished speaking *she deleted all traces of the text and and cleared all hopes of recovering the sender number.* Must have been a lot of txt? ( the bolded part´s proves it was not just one time deal..More on that laiter)
> That level of panic and and come up with wrong number ,while you delete txt at the same time..Hmm
> 
> Let me know what phone she uses.It is often possible
> to retrieve txt and numbers any way,even if it is pay as you go..
> 
> 
> Of course I was very suspicious and she repeatedly denied it, later that evening I got a confession from her, she said it was an ex in fact her first love, from a town *two hours away *which we both grew up in, I knew the fella as well, we all grew up in the same town. She admitted to bumping in to him at a softball game that her and our two daughters attended *several months ago*, she introduced him to our daughters and they have verified this. *According to her a month later he text her* and ask things like how she been and how are marriage was and such, after a* few weeks of texting they decided to meet, at his mothers house because he is also married with kids and his mom wasn't going to be home, *my wife knows his family because they went out many years ago for a long time. According to her,* she lied to me and got dressed for work, kissed me goodnight as she works night shift, and left, but actually went to meet him,
> 
> *What´s wrong with this picture??
> Well she said the meet SEVERAL MONTH`S ago.
> And he contacted her a month later.
> Have miss read something? you busted her recently
> Something is not adding up.Did she slip up in the time wise
> when she in her panicking state was fabricating her story on the go?
> Any way
> A few week´s of texting she claim´s.Both decide to meet up. And where did the chose to meet up? OM´s mother´s house(what a classy guy, sheesh)So she lies to you
> where she is going to .But instead drives 2h in the middle
> of the night.It is pretty safe to say the where not sitting
> in the sofa ,on the opposite side of each other ,and talked for 20 min.
> 
> she says she parked out front of the house and* texted him
> *Why text? im sure she new he was alone..
> and he told her to just come in, he was setting on one end of the sofa and she sat on the other, they talked for about twenty minutes and leaned into each other and started kissing, then fondling, then they stood up and stripped and he nailed her on the floor for ten minutes, so she says. She told me he did no foreplay or anything just a quicky more or less and she *swears she didn't come,* Sorry man..Cheater code for minimizing the act..In there worped way of thinking.The some how seem to think it some how would suck less*sigh*
> 
> 
> although he did inside her, but tubes tied, and she is going to get checked for STDs although she says I have had sex with her about four times since, anyways, *she says shortly after she left and drove the car to a park parking and cried from guilt, and slept there.* Yes of course she did..(insert sarcasm)That explain´s her need to respond back to him the way she did. she I caught his text a week or two after the sex, the one mentioned above stating "I love you to, just not like you do" so I asked what she had texted before this response and she said "Thanks you, that made me feel special, I love you" *she swears her I love you was meaningless* Ask here this .If it was meaning less, hoow come you drove 2h to meet the Docuh. And you know what happend .And you left and spend the night in the car crying
> of guilt..Only to keep the texting going ,and thank him for
> making her feel special
> I´m going to stop here..It just get´s to uncomfortable to keep
> pointing more stuff out..and also i think you get the point..
> 
> 
> but if so why does he find the need to add "But not like you" she said all previous texting had not included anything about love and that she don't know why she said it, but that the sex was meaningless, yet she texted him this weeks later, to me it sounds as though she was trying to make a relationship, got denied, and is trying to get me back.
> *She said they didnt exchange numbers that she dont know how he got hers,* Her mom and dad most likely gave it..yet in that town only her family knows her number and he dont even know where we live two hours away. As far as me calling him, she said she deleted the evidence and don't know any other way to get the number, *and all of her family denys having it.* That my friend is disturbing to say the least..They know i have no reason to believe otherwise  So I cant contact him, although I am from that same town and* if I venture down I may be able to find him.* Even a better idea. Ask you´re wife for his mother´s address..She cant seriously deny that she does no tremember..
> She after all drove 4h round trip...If nothing else just to see
> how she react´s on it...If you get the address,then look the phone number up and call his mom.And pretend you are a old high school buddy back in you´re home time.And lokking to reaconect with her "respectable" son(BARF)
> 
> 
> There might be more but for now this is the jist, I love her to death and don't want to lose her, but I have a few hangups...
> One sex for sex would have been not as bad, but the 'I love you' thing is killing me, she says it wasnt meant like that, but I dont buy as his message seems that he needed to clarify to her that he didnt love her in the same way, and also I dont understand how he interpreted her having a certain volume of love for him from her one text only, I think she must have said it more times or was trying to create a relationship and all it was for him was booty.
> She says she is sorry and cries bad asking for forgiveness although she cant expect me to and says the experience showed her just how much she really loves me, and I honestly have always loved her deeply and want to make this work, not sure if I can I am devastated.
> I need to know if she loves him, and if she had intentions of starting a relationship or not. Any help anything would be great, I can't think right and am sure Ill have more to add but I am stuck on this part right now, I cant move forward untill I know what the I love you stuff means



Oh crap i have to get to work now..But i´m sorry man
but i think you should prepare your self.That this mess
is fare worser then it seem´s...

Let me know what phone she uses


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## SteveSchuylkill

we are kinda poor and had plan cell phones years ago and lost due to outstanding balance which she still hasnt paid


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## Will_Kane

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I cant find his info, or her phone records. I called 411 and all the numbers I got for xxx xxx in xxxxxx and none was his


Doubt everything. It's possible that she just made up the guy's name or told you another person's name, not the affair partner.

Check out her contacts, look for her to have him listed under a different name, possibly a female name.

Search on the internet.

If it was me, I wouldn't investigate at all, I would make my wife do it if she wanted to reconcile. I would put the screws to the wife, tell her I refuse to accept such a blatant lie, tell her she can give me the truth or I'm filing, pack her stuff into trash bags and tell her I'll drop her off at lover boy's house right now.

She knows his phone number and address. She knows where he works, she knows his birthday, she knows his wife's name, she knows his kids' names. She was in love and she was his girlfriend, she took an interest.

By the way, you don't sound too tech savvy and your wife sounds like she's going to play you. Clear your browser history when you are done or use private mode when you come to this site, or your wife will find this thread.

Also, have you checked the browser history on the home computer or your wife's laptop or phone, have you looked in the sent box of her email? Credit card bills? Home phone bill?

Why does your wife need her cell phone at work? Is there a work phone she can use if she doesn't have her cell?

VAR=voice activated recorder, about $50-$100 bucks.

Polygraph will be $300-$500, employers use them, so they are around.


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## SteveSchuylkill

I cant recall who asked for his info but I think I pmd it on 56k here hard to load pages sorry I cant even see right


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## SteveSchuylkill

phone is T Mobile Prism pay as go


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## SaltInWound

Will_Kane said:


> ......pack her stuff into trash bags and tell her I'll drop her off at lover boy's house right now.


No. Drop her off at his parents' house and tell them since she is intimately familiar with their living room floor, they probably wouldn't mind if she occupies the bed in the spare room, since their son already considers their house a hotel.


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## SteveSchuylkill

Lovewins I tried to pm you I hope it went through


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## torn2012

*Re: Re: I need help please wife cheated*



MovingAhead said:


> Talking to the other man is a waste of time! Trust me on this...
> 
> Talking to his WIFE is where you can make progress! Please trust me on this.


Yes. Forget talking to him at all if you want him to verify details. There is a very good chance that your wife has or will tell him that you know and they will get their stories straight. Don't believe her BS - she CAN contact him if she wants to.

Get to his wife and do it soon. Once he knows that you're about to mess with his marriage he can undermine your exposure by saying things like "this nut job named Steve is probably going to ring you and tell a heap of lies because he has jealousy issues".

The lack of sleep and appetite are medical conditions. Take the first available appointment with your doc and get checked out. The longer you delay this the longer you suffer.

Listen to the advice you are getting here. Better yet, read some threads here that were started a while ago. They are blueprints for what's ahead. You will see many have been in your shoes and start out with the same outlook. Read how their stories evolved over time and how their attitudes changed as they became aware of what was happening. Many of them take back control of their lives and come out on top.

I'm sorry you're here. Take care.


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## lovewins

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I tried to pm you I hope it went through


I received and replied. I need a few clarifying items which I noted. As others have noted, she should have no problem providing those clarifying details.


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## Jonesey

SteveSchuylkill said:


> phone is T Mobile Prism pay as go



I´m almost sure i can help you to retrieve the info on here phone.I just need to doubble check with a co worker of mine.
Just to make sure that i send you the correct file.Phone carrier´s in US and Europe has some slight difference´s installed
in there phone´s operating system´s the sell..

It is 07.30 in the morning here.And i really need to get my sorry A.S.S to work now..But i will get back to you some time during the day.....


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## SteveSchuylkill

She agreed to goto the mothers house and portray a friendly visit with me along and ask the mother to dial his number and ask him to meet her which will be me with as well and tell him its over and allow me to question him she even said she would tell him how much she loves me, question is will I rip his head off


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## tom67

SteveSchuylkill said:


> She agreed to goto the mothers house and portray a friendly visit with me along and ask the mother to dial his number and ask him to meet her which will be me with as well and tell him its over and allow me to question him she even said she would tell him how much she loves me, question is will I rip his head off


TELL HIS WIFE nothing else matters now.


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## AngryandUsed

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


That is how normally initially reacts to a spouse's cheating.

NORMAL.

But hold on.

Dont decide on D or R, so quickly.

Wait. Wait. Wait until your head starts thinking normally.


----------



## Jonesey

SteveSchuylkill said:


> She agreed to goto the mothers house and portray a friendly visit with me along and ask the mother to dial his number and ask him to meet her which will be me with as well and tell him its over and allow me to question him she even said she would tell him how much she loves me, question is will I rip his head off


Steve did you read my post??? She is NOT to be going the Douch´s mom house..YOU do that if you need to..
Why cant you she is in damage control??

Right now the are getting there fact straight..

Come on don t let her be in charge you are the one in charghe


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## SteveSchuylkill

o man I cant even breath right, I lay down and still after four days its no sleep all thoughts, the corners of my eyes burn so bad, to blink hurts feels like glass scratching my eyes, theres so many posts, none with much hope, but I feel hope inside me and she seems sincere and agrees to help me in any way we agreed to go to the wifes house as well, she said she will do anything to prove she loves me


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## tom67

SteveSchuylkill said:


> o man I cant even breath right, I lay down and still after four days its no sleep all thoughts, the corners of my eyes burn so bad, to blink hurts feels like glass scratching my eyes, theres so many posts, none with much hope, but I feel hope inside me and she seems sincere and agrees to help me in any way we agreed to go to the wifes house as well, she said she will do anything to prove she loves me


Please stop the pity pot there is life after a cheater get some rest.


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## SteveSchuylkill

she said she doesnt expect I could ever forgive her but she wants to try, she said I can do anything, take her phone away, whatever, she has told the entire family what she did wrong and how she only wants me, she told our daughters what she did, I do think she is holding out a bit but not much, I think I can get it out of her tonight, she went to work and I txt her and told her how upset I was and crying, couldnt breath, she told me breath slow and put head between legs that she would come home and she will be here in thirty minutes, I really think she cares and wants a second chance


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## lovewins

SteveSchuylkill said:


> o man I cant even breath right, I lay down and still after four days its no sleep all thoughts, the corners of my eyes burn so bad, to blink hurts feels like glass scratching my eyes, theres so many posts, none with much hope, but I feel hope inside me and she seems sincere and agrees to help me in any way we agreed to go to the wifes house as well, she said she will do anything to prove she loves me


It is OK to have hope. But remember, the person I suspect you love most in this world just put a knife in your back, eyes, and chest. But you are alive. You are a survivor, not a victim. You are stronger then you think as this great injustice has been cast on you. This is not your fault. You didn't get a vote. You were lied to. You didn't know choices were being made. So think like the survivor that you are. Don't let yourself be a victim.

Right now, all you need are the facts, and you need ALL of them (as painful as that might be). Then you need to VERIFY the facts as best you can. You need to calm down and concentrate on that. Then you need to calm down again and think about your next steps.


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## SaltInWound

Stop crying in front of her. It makes you look weak.

What you need to do is start feeling some anger. It will help you think more clearly.


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## tom67

SteveSchuylkill said:


> she said she doesnt expect I could ever forgive her but she wants to try, she said I can do anything, take her phone away, whatever, she has told the entire family what she did wrong and how she only wants me, she told our daughters what she did, I do think she is holding out a bit but not much, I think I can get it out of her tonight, she went to work and I txt her and told her how upset I was and crying, couldnt breath, she told me breath slow and put head between legs that she would come home and she will be here in thirty minutes, I really think she cares and wants a second chance


That's fine BUT you have to know what you are forgiving her for exactly then you can heal.


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## SaltInWound

SteveSchuylkill said:


> o man I cant even breath right, I lay down and still after four days its no sleep all thoughts, the corners of my eyes burn so bad, to blink hurts feels like glass scratching my eyes, theres so many posts, none with much hope, but I feel hope inside me and she seems sincere and agrees to help me in any way we agreed to go to the wifes house as well, she said she will do anything to prove she loves me


You need to get some sleep and you need to eat. It will help your mind. If you need to, get some Tylenol PM to help you get some sleep. You must take care of yourself. Join a gym and expel some of that emotion you are feeling.


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## SteveSchuylkill

ok thank you all so much, she will be here soon so I need to split, I will try to calm down and use some of this advise, I think first I will tell her I dont think Ill be able to forgive unless I get the entire truth right now from her, and after any confessions Ill tell her I read I should give her a polly test since we cant contact the fella


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

any quick advise I should do when she gets here ?


----------



## lovewins

SteveSchuylkill said:


> any quick advise I should do when she gets here ?


Stay calm. Tell her you are going to bed. Tell her to write down the real story...the itinerary of her past faults in your marriage where she cheated on you (that include more then she's disclosed so far, because you don't believe it). Tell her that it doesn't matter if it includes last week or the last decade, you need all of it or there is no chance of recovery. Then tell her you'll review it tomorrow and get back to her when you're ready.

And when she's done writing, she can go sleep somewhere else. Step by step, you're going to be OK. With or without her.


----------



## SaltInWound

SteveSchuylkill said:


> ok thank you all so much, she will be here soon so I need to split, I will try to calm down and use some of this advise, I think first I will tell her I dont think Ill be able to forgive unless I get the entire truth right now from her, and after any confessions *Ill tell her I read* I should give her a polly test since we cant contact the fella


Don't tell her that you are getting advice from anywhere specific. Make her think these are your ideas. Simply tell her you will not be speaking to the OM (OM is a cheater and a liar) and you demand a poly....and whatever else you want to tell her. Stay strong. Don't make any threats unless you are prepared to follow through.


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## LostViking

Don't hug her, don't touch her, don't let her try to seduce you. A wayward will do that. Tell her she has to earn back the privilege to be held.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

Enuff of all of this crap, with the other man---who gives a sh*t--------there is one person and one person ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF THIS----guess who---your WIFE---BUT FOR, what she did---this thread would not EXIST

So you had a boring same old, same old mge---you both get together and work on it----there are thousands of mge, that get boring---the spouses figure out a way to keep them going, w/out cheating.--They spend the time working on the mge---NOT CULTIVATING A LOVER

How the he*l do you love someone who meets a guy she knew 20 some yrs ago---after she has had a good 20 yr mge, that produced 2 wonderful kids----and that someone your supposed wife, who you love so much---1st planned her meeting---lied to you as to what she was doing that evening-----drove 2 hours to meet this guy----went to her rendezvous, went into the house, made small talk--kissed---had foreplay, and finally spread her legs---for this guy----WHERE IN ALL OF THAT, IS SHE SHOWING YOU ONE F'ing BIT OF LOVE----if she loved you she would not have gone thru stop sign after stop sign---TO BE WITH HER LOVER

You want proof---stop with all the electronic BS---go to the closest precinct---the cops will help you set up a POLY, and get your truth----if she is lying---she will fold up long before, she even gets to the parking lot, where the poly is to be taken

You need to start respecting yourself--I know this hurts---but do not just say---I love her so much, and I can't live w/out her----if that is your attitude---why are you here---just accept that she has a lover---that she chose to be with him over you, that she spit on her vows/ring/kids/mge/and you-----AND LET IT GO AT THAT

If you have any gumption at all---you come down on her with both feet---you do not be mr nice--guy---you do not be mr lovey--dovey

You demand ACCOUNTABILITY---according to you there is remorse, and she is "oh so sorry"---of course she is---if you D--her, she is a woman probably approaching her 50's and knows there is a bleak future ahead of her, if she is put out on her own

You have to wonder, why she is doing all of this to get back into the family, and your good graces---SHE SURE AS HE*L DOES NOT LOVE YOU---one does not do to their spouse, what she has done to you---IF SHE LOVED THAT SPOUSE

You may want to stay with her---and maybe you can't be without her---but for now, you need to be hard as nails----and you are not show her any weakness----she must KNOW THE DESTRUCTION SHE HAS WROUGHT---she willingly and happily went thru so many stop signs to be with him---she had 2 hours or more to think of and know she was destroying you---and she continued on, so she could spread her legs for him---DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A WIFE WHO LOVES HER HUSBAND!!!!!!!!


----------



## aug

> , she says she parked out front of the house and texted him and he told her to just come in


She knows where he lives. She was there. Get that address. Go talk to her lover's wife.


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## Keepin-my-head-up

jnj express said:


> Enuff of all of this crap, with the other man---who gives a sh*t--------there is one person and one person ONLY RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF THIS----guess who---your WIFE---BUT FOR, what she did---this thread would not EXIST
> 
> So you had a boring same old, same old mge---you both get together and work on it----there are thousands of mge, that get boring---the spouses figure out a way to keep them going, w/out cheating.--They spend the time working on the mge---NOT CULTIVATING A LOVER
> 
> How the he*l do you love someone who meets a guy she knew 20 some yrs ago---after she has had a good 20 yr mge, that produced 2 wonderful kids----and that someone your supposed wife, who you love so much---1st planned her meeting---lied to you as to what she was doing that evening-----drove 2 hours to meet this guy----went to her rendezvous, went into the house, made small talk--kissed---had foreplay, and finally spread her legs---for this guy----WHERE IN ALL OF THAT, IS SHE SHOWING YOU ONE F'ing BIT OF LOVE----if she loved you she would not have gone thru stop sign after stop sign---TO BE WITH HER LOVER
> 
> You want proof---stop with all the electronic BS---go to the closest precinct---the cops will help you set up a POLY, and get your truth----if she is lying---she will fold up long before, she even gets to the parking lot, where the poly is to be taken
> 
> You need to start respecting yourself--I know this hurts---but do not just say---I love her so much, and I can't live w/out her----if that is your attitude---why are you here---just accept that she has a lover---that she chose to be with him over you, that she spit on her vows/ring/kids/mge/and you-----AND LET IT GO AT THAT
> 
> If you have any gumption at all---you come down on her with both feet---you do not be mr nice--guy---you do not be mr lovey--dovey
> 
> You demand ACCOUNTABILITY---according to you there is remorse, and she is "oh so sorry"---of course she is---if you D--her, she is a woman probably approaching her 50's and knows there is a bleak future ahead of her, if she is put out on her own
> 
> You have to wonder, why she is doing all of this to get back into the family, and your good graces---SHE SURE AS HE*L DOES NOT LOVE YOU---one does not do to their spouse, what she has done to you---IF SHE LOVED THAT SPOUSE
> 
> You may want to stay with her---and maybe you can't be without her---but for now, you need to be hard as nails----and you are not show her any weakness----she must KNOW THE DESTRUCTION SHE HAS WROUGHT---she willingly and happily went thru so many stop signs to be with him---she had 2 hours or more to think of and know she was destroying you---and she continued on, so she could spread her legs for him---DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A WIFE WHO LOVES HER HUSBAND!!!!!!!!



Harsh!
But man does it make sense.


----------



## Chaparral

SteveSchuylkill said:


> she said she doesnt expect I could ever forgive her but she wants to try, she said I can do anything, take her phone away, whatever, she has told the entire family what she did wrong and how she only wants me, she told our daughters what she did, I do think she is holding out a bit but not much, I think I can get it out of her tonight, she went to work and I txt her and told her how upset I was and crying, couldnt breath, she told me breath slow and put head between legs that she would come home and she will be here in thirty minutes, I really think she cares and wants a second chance


You have got to stop this. You are making yourself look like a needy, weak wimp to your wife. This just makes her boyfriend look like a more manly man and better than you.

Never let her see you cry. Never let her know. If you have to leave the room or house. 

Showing a woman, especially one in an affair, all these emotions, will just drive her away.

You need to get a VAR, the fifty dollar model sony at walmart. Read the instructions carefully and try it out in your car first. Get heavy duty velcro there to and put the var under the front seat of her car.

You can also put it in the house where she is likely to use her phone to call him or her best friends.


----------



## aug

Yes, I agree with many here.

Learn to detach. Accept in your head that's okay to live without your wife.

Dont be afraid of losing her. And when you're not afraid, that's when you have a better chance of keeping her (if that's what you want). Seems contradictory, right? It's just how it is.


----------



## jnj express

Lets face some truth's here-----and yes this is harsh---but the whole game of infidelity, revels in harshness---doesn't it

There are 3 things you need to deal with---not phones, not contact with her lover, but yes as an aside---his wife should know what a POS, she has for a H---but back to your truths

1st---know this---your so called wife---the woman, you cannot be w/out---DROVE 2 HOURS TO BE WITH THIS MAN---do you understand that---2 hours and she did it happily/willingly/deceitfully/wanting to spread her legs for him---did she think of you, and her own kids, and what devastation she knew would follow what she was about to do---well she had 2 F'ing hours to think about it---she never turned back did she---this is the woman, you wanna spend the rest of your life with---that you love so much---How do you reconcile that---

Next---she was never gonna tell you---this was gonna go to her grave with her, as her dirty, dark little secret---yet since she spread her legs so willingly for this man, AND ALLOWED HIM TO GO TO A PLACE WHERE BY SACRED VOWS---ONLY YOU BELONG, she has carried on family life, as if nothing happened--looked you straight in the eyes each and every day/night, and said everything was fine-----once again---this is the woman who you love so much---how is it that you can even stand to be with her, or to allow her to touch you---especially after he tainted her, by putting his hands all over her body---how do you love a woman like that

lastly---days after her act of driving 2 hours to give this lover of hers, the man that has replaced you, sex---she is talking to him electronically, telling him she loves him----

Of course from the mouth of this liar/cheater/manipulator/deceitful woman, who wishes to stay as your wife---she says she never meant any of it---sex was nothing, love talk, was just that talk-----

WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE FOLLOWING---EVERY WORD OUT OF HER MOUTH IS A LIE---she is a liar

You are obviously not gonna send her packing, So Have you actually done anything in the way of consequences with her---has she been sent from the marital bedroom, has her cushy lifestyle been stopped---have you done anything about this woman, ---WHO DROVE 2 HOURS TO BE WITH THE LOVER WHO HAS NOW REPLACED YOU, and who she still professes love for

He was a previous lover of hers, prior to you---how do you actually know in the last 20 yrs, they haven't hooked up from time to time---you are both married----they could have been having sex periodically during the whole 20 yrs---you don't know, and unless you find out via the poly------YOU WILL NEVER KNOW

You do know now---she is in love with this guy---she openly says it to him, and she is willing to drive a long distance over time to be with him---so again---what qualities in her could make you wanna go anywhere near her.

If I were you, I would seriously question why she is trying to stay in the mge----CUZ BY HER ACTIONS, SHE SURE AS HE*L DOES NOT LOVE YOU

One who would love you---would not lie to you, would not give herself to another man, and even worse---would not PROFESS HER LOVE FOR THAT OTHER MAN


----------



## ThePheonix

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


Steve, its like my father in law CSM George O??? would say, "solider, you wouldn't last two minutes in battle". You've got to get this notion that you can't live without her, out of your head. Sure you can. What if you'd never met her? You'd be with some other chick and she's be cheating on some other guy. So you can live without her. If she ultimately ditches you, you'll find a replacement and in five years, won't hardly remember her name.
Moreover, when a gal cheats on her old man it means her romantic interest in him have sunk below a certain level. To repeat what I've said in other post, a woman who's crazy in love with her man will not cheat on him.


----------



## bugmenot

:iagree: You need to realize you need to be STRONG - if not this will happen again if she senses she can get away with it.

Whether your R or D this unfortunate episode should make you aware that you need to work on YOU. Forget your marriage for the moment - you need to work on self-respect and being able to set boundries. This has uncovered deeper challenges for you to confront within yourself. *Use this time to become a better man - and remember NO SPOUSE is so irreplaceable that you endanger your mental or physical well being over the thought of them leaving. *

Good luck man.


----------



## weightlifter

Sorry Im late. Resident VAR goon. Some here will attest to my abilities with them.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while Canother man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got it from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for three men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.


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## 6301

Steve.

Your not doing anything but digging your own grave because you have gotten a ton of advice from people who have walked a mile in your shoes. They know what their talking about and how I see this is, Your asking for advice and doing what you have been doing for the past four or five days. Your focused on the OM. Why? He got from her what she gave to him. He didn't put a gun to her head or threaten her. She willingly dropped her pants and gave him a piece of tail. SHE DID! He took it. Yes that was wrong but it's your wife that he screwed. Now she's on the way home and you say "Quick! What should I do?" Six pages of advice so far. Have you read any of it? She going to see you just like she told you to be. With your head between your legs kissing your ass goodbye because you will not listen to the advice that has been given you. 

Look. Everyone is telling you the same thing. Stop your crying and take FUC-ING CHARGE of your life. She knows more about this bum then she has told you. You want to continue in this hell your in? Keep doing what your doing because something already is burning and it's your ass unless you stop what your doing and act like the man of the house. You have to tell her to either put everything on the table now or pack up and she can call her ex boyfriend and ask if she could sleep on the couch. Oh yeah. Forgot, he's married. Find his wife. Fill her in. Don't take your wife to the OM's parents house. You go and let her sit in her own filth waiting for you to come back. So far she's keeping you on your toes where she should be the one dancing around like bare feet on hot coals.


----------



## MattMatt

> *she was walking on my back*


You can say that again, mate!

But whilst she was walking all over you, she was proving what a deft contortionist in the affair stakes she is by also kicking her own daughters in the teeth at the same time.

What a class act she is... not.


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

Update, I used this forums advice and my logic and she cracked, by the way thanks for toughening me up, check out the beginning of this thread lol anyway I need advice what to do next, and keep in mind I almost killed the both of them, but my daughters stopped me, but I still want revenge or at least the best way to exit from this succubus.
I had to do much thinking and lots of manipulating, and at the moment she THINKS I want to reconcile and that was the key to getting her to admit in front of myself and I made her tell our daughters who are mature enough to know the truth that the affair was a year long, consisting on average of a weekly trip, to motels and eating out and such, you all nailed it on the head, every which way, she even coughed up his number and I even called him, lol he promises he is done with her and stated he would never do anything to ruin anyone's relationship, he is just not that kind of guy lmbo we spoke together all three of us over the phone as I verified her new story, and boy is she laying it on thick just as you all said, I got her in my hands now, soft putting, what do you all want me to do ????


----------



## Shaggy

Same as before

1. Call and expose to his wife and his parents 

2. Post him on cheaterville.com

3. Have your wife take a polygraph


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

and yup per Cheaters Script was trickled down lies, said she felt unloved, needed attention, and when I touched her I could feel it remove some remorse, I lead her on, I even alowd her to kiss me, and don't get ticked off, it's part of my plan to crush her, and believe me, when she kissed my cheek it was the first time ever I felt like puking from another persons touch


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

Thanks to you all, this affair is totally exposed and I went from cry baby to banshee, I owe you all a great deal, because honestly, in the beginning I fought off suicide or murdering them quite a few times, now I am strong and I see the disgusting pieces of crap they each are.


----------



## workindad

SS- get a VAR- STOP crying and begging around her.

Call his wife- do not bother with him. 

Get checked for STDs.


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

Thanks again, any advice on divorce or should I seek revenge as she is totally owned at the moment ?


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

Come on, no one rooting for revenge lol or you think I should reconcile ?


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

Is quite funny to watch, because I act very reluctant at first and slowly let her touch me a little, and then a bit more, and more, and the more I give the less remorse she shows, then I look into her eyes and imagine them having sex and tell her I can't as I pout a bit, and the mooshyness and remorse return, so yes be tough and strong, the weakness gives them the upper hand as you all taught me. Yes I might be a bit sadistic in treating her this way, but she caused it and it makes me feel better, untill I decide what to do with her


----------



## SteveSchuylkill

I think I'm gonna keep it, as a pet of course


----------



## SaltInWound

SteveSchuylkill said:


> ......the affair was a year long, consisting on average of a weekly trip, to motels and eating out and such.....


I am curious. Did she explain how she accomplished weekly trips? Was she making the drive on her day off while you were at work? Perhaps he has been to your house? In your bed?


----------



## Shaggy

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Thanks to you all, this affair is totally exposed and I went from cry baby to banshee, I owe you all a great deal, because honestly, in the beginning I fought off suicide or murdering them quite a few times, now I am strong and I see the disgusting pieces of crap they each are.


By exposed do you mean to his wife?


----------



## lenzi

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Come on, no one rooting for revenge lol or you think I should reconcile ?


Oh you're starting a poll? Are you going to decide based on majority rule?

I'm not big on the whole revenge- hurt another human being in retribution idea. You know what they say, if you're going after revenge then don't forget to dig a grave for yourself. 

Do I think you should reconcile? No, I don't think spending the rest of your life with a woman who screwed some other guy is the best way to go, use the time you have left on this planet to find a trustworthy, dependable, loyal woman.

If you don't plan on reconciling forget all this 'I'm going to lead her on and crush her" crap because you're only hurting yourself by dragging this out longer than necessary.

If you want out than file for divorce and hopefully she'll be so remorseful that you'll get a good settlement.


----------



## bryanp

Get tested for STD's at once.

It seems reasonable to believe that there were probably times she was with you after she was with him.

It seems reasonable to suspect that she probably had him in your home.

She was screwing him for a year behind your back and playing you for a fool. Of course right now she is in damage control. See a lawyer to understand your options. The amount of disrespect she showed you is overwhelming. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## Will_Kane

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Is quite funny to watch, because I act very reluctant at first and slowly let her touch me a little, and then a bit more, and more, and the more I give the less remorse she shows, then I look into her eyes and imagine them having sex and tell her I can't as I pout a bit, and the mooshyness and remorse return, so yes be tough and strong, the weakness gives them the upper hand as you all taught me. Yes I might be a bit sadistic in treating her this way, but she caused it and it makes me feel better, untill I decide what to do with her


Steve, well done on standing up to her and getting her to crack. You probably have most of the truth now, but definitely you don't have all of it. No matter, you have enough now.

Steve, I'm sorry, but you are not good enough at this to play games. You came here more naïve than most, believing every word your wife said and doubting nothing. You are doing well, but don't get fancy.

The fact that she called him in front of you is meaningless, she is in love with him and not with you, it just is not convenient for her to leave you yet.

The same with him, he still wants the sex from your wife and looks at you as a complete mark, someone who is easy to dupe. I'm sorry, but that's how it looks from out here in the cheap seats, too.

This guy knows your wife loves him, but he likes the sex. It's a tough game, but if you're good at it, like he is, he can give your wife enough encouragement that he DOES love her, but then go a little cold when she gets too demanding and wants him to leave his wife, so your wife backs off and doesn't tell his wife on him.

He probably keeps your wife on the hook by ending his emails with stuff like "luv ya sexy!' while your wife ends hers with I LOVE YOU SOUL MATE xoxoxoxox.

They will just take this underground now and carry on at her job. She will buy a burner phone. There's no way you can really stop it by monitoring phones, etc., but you can make it a little more difficult and so that she will have a tougher time making excuses when you catch her.

Keep in mind, she loves him, you are only like a brother to her, her plan long-term is to be with him, with you being "happy" for her and eventually finding someone else of your own. She doesn't hate you or wish you ill, she wants the best for you (just not her, she is the other man's).

If you do want to reconcile, you have to blow up the affair. Blow it up to his wife first and foremost, then to his parents, his siblings, I'd even say his job given how he just lied to you and told you he had no intention of harming your relationship. Go all out on him, he deserves it. Sue him for alienation of affection, or at least write him a letter stating your intention to do so. Put some fear into him (legally Steve, legally).

Pack your wife's stuff up into trash bags and offer to drive her to the other man's. Load them into her car and tell her to go find somewhere else to stay. Tell her you'll talk to her tomorrow night, but that you need some time now with her out of the house.

In the meantime, if you have any desire to reconcile, buy a few voice-activated recorders and put one in her car and the other in the house where she is likely to talk when you are not around.

Tell her you need her phone, she'll have to do without for a while. Ask her to delete facebook and other social media, as well as her email. She can share your email. Have her HANDwrite the no contact letter on PAPER.


----------



## Jonesey

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Update, I used this forums advice and my logic and she cracked, by the way thanks for toughening me up, check out the beginning of this thread lol anyway I need advice what to do next, and keep in mind I almost killed the both of them, but my daughters stopped me, but I still want revenge or at least the best way to exit from this succubus.
> I had to do much thinking and lots of manipulating, and at the moment she THINKS I want to reconcile and that was the key to getting her to admit in front of myself and I made her tell our daughters who are mature enough to know the truth that the affair was a year long, consisting on average of a weekly trip, to motels and eating out and such, you all nailed it on the head, every which way, she even coughed up his number and I even called him, lol he promises he is done with her and stated he would never do anything to ruin anyone's relationship, he is just not that kind of guy lmbo we spoke together all three of us over the phone as I verified her new story, and boy is she laying it on thick just as you all said, I got her in my hands now, soft putting, what do you all want me to do ????


Crap im to late...Sorry to hear it..But not surprised..That is why i stopped pointing out holes in her story..It got way to uncomfortable.Crap i´m so sorry.

Here is what i was going to post..Maybe it help´s someone else
Hi sorry it has taken time. But I do hope you don´t need this info..
Log in, or create a Google Account. And search for an app called sim card manager.
(In Europe it´s this app is does not cost anything)
Install in Your wife´s phone. Here is a description of it. 
It is VERY important that your wife is present when you log on to Google play store.
It can trigger last minute confession.

And if for some reason you can´t get it to work.
Try this then
From T-Mobile web site

*Check your text messages*
On your phone, enter *#MSG#* (*#674#*) and send the call.


For pooled accounts, text usage reflects the shared messages as well as message usage for your line.
Messages used when roaming may take up to 30 days to post.
If you changed your mobile number during your bill cycle, only usage for your new number will display.
 This will not actually let you see the Sms messages. But however it will provide you with
An idea of the frequency and the amount of sms sent. This will help you to determent
If it is with in what one can consider normal amount or abnormal.


DESCRIPTION

SIM Card Manager is a very tiny (only 57 kB!) tool that reads your phone SIM card and displays many useful information:
- Phone type (GSM, CDMA etc.)
- Phone number (if available)
- IMEI of the device
- SIM state (SIM absent, network locked, PIN required, PUK required, ready)
- SIM country ISO code
- SIM operator code
- SIM operator name
- Network type (GPRS, EDGE, CDMA, UMTS, HDPA etc.)
- Network country ISO code
- Network operator code
- Network operator name
- Network service state (registered to network, network not available, emergency numbers only, service powered off)
- Network selection status (automatic or manual)
- Roaming status (active or inactive)
- Voice mail text ID
- Voice mail number
The application also lists contacts stored on the SIM card and allows you to do several operations with the selected one (call, send SMS, share, copy to clipboard, copy to the phone, delete from SIM card etc.).
As an addition, SIM Card Manager lists phone and Google contacts in separate tabs as well.
To access more features, please use a long click on any listed item.
Thank you for using SIM Card Manager and feel free to check out our other applications.
Explanation of permissions required by the application:
READ_PHONE_STATE - to read information from the SIM card
READ_CONTACTS - to obtain the SIM card contact list
WRITE_CONTACTS - to delete the selected contact
READ_CALL_LOG and WRITE_CALL_LOG - for some reason, these permissions were added by Google after uploading to Google Play and SIM Card Manager does not use call logs in any way


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Will_Kane said:


> Steve, well done on standing up to her and getting her to crack. You probably have most of the truth now, but definitely you don't have all of it. No matter, you have enough now.
> 
> Steve, I'm sorry, but you are not good enough at this to play games. You came here more naïve than most, believing every word your wife said and doubting nothing. You are doing well, but don't get fancy.
> 
> The fact that she called him in front of you is meaningless, she is in love with him and not with you, it just is not convenient for her to leave you yet.
> 
> The same with him, he still wants the sex from your wife and looks at you as a complete mark, someone who is easy to dupe. I'm sorry, but that's how it looks from out here in the cheap seats, too.
> 
> This guy knows your wife loves him, but he likes the sex. It's a tough game, but if you're good at it, like he is, he can give your wife enough encouragement that he DOES love her, but then go a little cold when she gets too demanding and wants him to leave his wife, so your wife backs off and doesn't tell his wife on him.
> 
> He probably keeps your wife on the hook by ending his emails with stuff like "luv ya sexy!' while your wife ends hers with I LOVE YOU SOUL MATE xoxoxoxox.
> 
> They will just take this underground now and carry on at her job. She will buy a burner phone. There's no way you can really stop it by monitoring phones, etc., but you can make it a little more difficult and so that she will have a tougher time making excuses when you catch her.
> 
> Keep in mind, she loves him, you are only like a brother to her, her plan long-term is to be with him, with you being "happy" for her and eventually finding someone else of your own. She doesn't hate you or wish you ill, she wants the best for you (just not her, she is the other man's).
> 
> If you do want to reconcile, you have to blow up the affair. Blow it up to his wife first and foremost, then to his parents, his siblings, I'd even say his job given how he just lied to you and told you he had no intention of harming your relationship. Go all out on him, he deserves it. Sue him for alienation of affection, or at least write him a letter stating your intention to do so. Put some fear into him (legally Steve, legally).
> 
> Pack your wife's stuff up into trash bags and offer to drive her to the other man's. Load them into her car and tell her to go find somewhere else to stay. Tell her you'll talk to her tomorrow night, but that you need some time now with her out of the house.
> 
> In the meantime, if you have any desire to reconcile, buy a few voice-activated recorders and put one in her car and the other in the house where she is likely to talk when you are not around.
> 
> Tell her you need her phone, she'll have to do without for a while. Ask her to delete facebook and other social media, as well as her email. She can share your email. Have her HANDwrite the no contact letter on PAPER.


Good post Will, as usual.

Steve, I think Will is right ... you are not good enough at this to play games. That isn't intended as an insult ... it just is what it is. I worry about comments like "I think I'm gonna keep it, as a pet of course." I know you intended it as a joke but even so. Keep it simple. Keep your emotions in check the best you can, at least in front of her, and follow the advice.

As your tag name implies, you'll probably have lots of time to contemplate this as you sit in bumper to bumper traffic on the "sure-kill" expressway


----------



## lovewins

Steve,

I haven't had a chance to catch up on the entire thread. But your new friends here are giving excellent guidance. You've already figured this out. I have more to say, but you need to figure out what is best for you. You are a survivor and one foot after the other you will be happy, with or without her. You have time to calm down and think. Do it. I am not encouraging you to R or D. Just figure out your next steps carefully as you finally have some control of the situation. Good for you.


----------



## ThePheonix

I agree with Will and JSGW. Youre still a rookie at best my man. Don't play games. You'll lose. You've got two options. Reconcile or divorce. 
My advice, given the new and more damning evidence is divorce. Her actions indicate her interest in you as her "main man" is gone and will never return. She had no problem throwing her vows and her loyalty to you away like a used rubber. Hence, she does not love you. 
Other than that, I'm sure she makes an excellent role model for you daughters. Forgive her and get rid of her Steve.


----------



## lovewins

ThePheonix said:


> Other than that, I'm sure she makes an excellent role model for you daughters. Forgive her and get rid of her Steve.


And make no mistake, forgiveness has nothing to do with R. Forgiveness is for your peace. It can be nice like peanut butter and jelly. But they have nothing to do with each other.


----------



## Kimberley17

MovingAhead said:


> When I had my Dday, I lost 30 lbs in 10 days. I was where you are right now. Please listen to this. You don't have to understand it but it's true.
> 
> 1. You cannot NICE your way out of this. Being the sweet loving husband will not win her back! There is no winning her back, she is yours or she is not. Cowboy up! You put away your sad feelings and be a man now. Be strong. Don't choose what she tells you. Choose what is right. Demand her respect.
> 
> 2. I know it hurts. Mine still hurts. When I have to give the kids back, it really hurts! I hate it. DO NOT SHOW WEAKNESS in front of her. SHE WILL LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU. She may have a smidgeon now but that is it.
> 
> 3. You HAVE TO BE WILLING TO LOSE HER TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. You have to let her go and she has to choose to stay. If you are unwilling to do this, she will play you for a chump. This is the script. It happens all the time!
> 
> 4. Your wife treated you like dog crap on the bottom of her shoe. She F**KED another man. She told him what a bad lover you were. She F**KED him with no regards to your daughters. She is teaching your daughters how to be a WH**RE!!! That is who you are in love with?!! Really? Seriously WTF? You want to be married to a WH**RE like that?!
> 
> The woman you were married to is gone. This is who you are married to now!!!! Realize this now!!!!!!!!!!! Your wife is a CHEATING WH**RE who F**KS some clown.
> 
> The woman she was is gone. She may or may not be there. She may be gone. You need to accept reality of who you are dealing with and don't fool yourself. You want to save the lie you thought was your marriage... YOU CANNOT. You can have a new marriage with the woman who has the potential of being a great mom and wife but she has to come clean, be totally honest and remorseful, own her stuff and you own yours and you work at it. Anything else is just a waste of time and D is imminent.
> 
> I am sorry you are here but those 4 points need to be driven into your understanding ASAP. Shaggy's post of next steps is your best bet on what you should do now. Get on it!



How is it even possible to lose 30lbs in 10 days??? Were you heavy to begin with? Sorry, just curious ..


----------



## Jonesey

Kimberley17 said:


> How is it even possible to lose 30lbs in 10 days??? Were you heavy to begin with? Sorry, just curious ..


Trust me.That is very much possible.Not sleeping,no food.
You´re brain,that uses about 30 to 40% of the energy consumed. And thse biggest fat killer,the amount of stress
on the body.This kind of trauma put´s you true..

Everything in you´re body goes in to such a huge over drive.
and burns of energy(calories)at a rate, that is probobly a couple of times higher then normal.And remember most people almost does not eat anything...Now image n if you always had a high metabolism even before this..Oh boy that is bad


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## JustSomeGuyWho

Jonesey said:


> Trust me.That is very much possible.Not sleeping,no food.
> You´re brain,that uses about 30 to 40% of the energy consumed. And thse biggest fat killer,the amount of stress
> on the body.This kind of trauma put´s you true..
> 
> Everything in you´re body goes in to such a huge over drive.
> and burns of energy(calories)at a rate, that is probobly a couple of times higher then normal.And remember most people almost does not eat anything...Now image n if you always had a high metabolism even before this..Oh boy that is bad


The other side affects are that you feel like a zombie and your hair starts thinning. Wonderful.


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## warlock07

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes she is crying begging remorseful and supposedly helping me to track him down, she also agreed to when we find an address or phone number to go with and ask his side of the story so I can compare, and she agreed to be quit while doing so as well as us two going and telling his wife, and she said she would tell him she doesnt want him and that she loves me and only me, I think she is honestly done and that it was maybe only a one time try and see thing she kinda said she felt like she was missing something but afterwards she realized she wasnt but again that seems odd that she texted him I love you week or so later


Your biggest enemy is your denial.


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## Jonesey

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> *The other side affects are that you feel like a zombie and your hair starts thinning.* Wonderful.


I hear ya


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## warlock07

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Thanks again, any advice on divorce or should I seek revenge as she is totally owned at the moment ?


What is this revenge you speak of ? Living well ? Getting rid off parasites from your life ?


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## jnj express

No revenge----just decide--how you want to live your life in the future-----as has been stated by WK------you don't need to play games---either go to D---or if you can stand to be in the same room with her, and want to be with her the rest of your life---work on a R plan

If you go to D----its time for her to leave, if she won't leave the home, and she does have a right to stay in her home---then demand she leave the marital bedroom---take all her clothes and sundries, and stick them in a small room in the house, and that is where she lives from now on---that should be done, whether this goes to D or R

Take her off of all CC's, take all marital finances and put in an acct with only your name on it

How much of your money has she wasted in paying for trips to see him---did he ever drive to see her---or was it all her going to him--how much was wasted on hotel rooms, and meals with him, and gifts for him, and what have you, tell her she owes the mge, all monies she spent on doing anything that had to do with him, and seeing him---it is a debt she owes to the marital finances, and you want the money

Let her know---that no matter what---until D is final, she is liable for half of all marital bills---including mtg, car, insurance payments, utilities, necessities to live---whatever else

I do imagine now knowing the depth of her infidelity, that it would be disgusting to be with her

Thinking back on all of it---how many days did she go to him, when she could have been with the family---how many days of work, did she miss---when she should have been at her job helping to keep the mge in good shape.

All the lies---especially her attempt at explaining the admitted to, 1st time---that she sat on the far end of the couch----then slept in her car over night-------give me a break------for a whole year she has been laughing at you---poking fun at you, with her new and to her REAL HUSBAND----for every time she was with him, you better believe, you and all your shortcomings were discussed

Your Revenge---should be the filing of D, paperwork immediately

If you don't have enuff dinero to do this quickly---you can do it all yourself

1st go on line---go to Pennsylvania statutes---then go to family codes---and read everything-----then go to legal documents---and print out the D packet

Go thru it, read it, see how it works, and take care of the paperwork yourself---then read up on filing, and file the D------------make sure you have her served--

--you do get free beginning consultations from Atty's---go to a couple and see how they tell you, things will proceed---then decide--how you wanna proceed---one thing you should do ---and if revenge is what you want---then do the following---print out a D packet---and leave it in the house where your wife will have to see it---------that all by itself---will bring reality crashing down upon her

Right now, depending upon what she thinks of you, which can't be much---she is in her own limbo---waiting to see what you will do---she is certainly not gonna give up her life, as long as you are willing to stay in the mge---as is stated above---she may very well go deep underground, and yes you are sloppy 2nds at this point, as you have been for probably the last year

Actually no matter how you proceed, you should probably file for D-------see whether you can stomach looking/touching this woman, who is your wife on paper only, but if somehow you wanna spend the rest of your life with her, and after she completely comes back to you, in every way shape and form, which probably will never happen----you can stop the D proceedings

Stop playing games with her----either you detest her for what she is, and has done to you---or you suck up what has been done to you, and you move on with her, and her lover---its all up to you


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## Acabado

Go totaly nuclear with this guy: 1rst his wife, then the rest.
Let the chips fall where they may, watch closely your wife's reaction and monitor the aftermath as best as you can.
Taylor the 180, detach a little and try your best to make cold headed decision instead of being driven by emotions.
If she claims to want reconcile with you then lay the law: a very few clear boundaries in order to stop you from filing the divorce tomorrow morning and tell her she's the one to fix the mess she created, that there's tons of advice out there if she's really interested. Put the ball in her court. Tell her words mean nothing, she's not to be trusted and her actions/inactions will tell you what you need to know.
Tell her you are still weighting the whole thing and her actions and attitude might help you to make your decision.


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## Shaggy

Btw. Telling the truth is not revenge. It is a reflection of how messed up many people's views are when they see telling the truth as wrong or vengeful.


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## MattMatt

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Come on, no one rooting for revenge lol or you think I should reconcile ?


Reconciliation is possible. Never forget that.

You need therapy to help you, not matter what you decide to do. Your daughters, too, probably. And,yes, even your wife...


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## ThePheonix

MattMatt said:


> Reconciliation is possible. Never forget that.


Fixing up my old 97 S-10 pickup was possible to. I went with the new GMC Duramax.


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## See_Listen_Love

SteveSchuylkill said:


> She said she cheated because she needed more affection, things have been rough around here for a few years, and after this we have talked and discovered a few problems, one being we kinda grew apart as *we decided to dedicate our time to our baby girls, and never use child care, we never went on dates alone, if we went to eat it was all four of us, we never did anything alone, even sex we kept kinda quit because of the kids hearing, we always thought we would have OUR time when they got older*, of course the created nastiness in each towards the other eventually.


Standard recipe for disaster.


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## See_Listen_Love

SteveSchuylkill said:


> I don't feel I can live without her, I don't want any other person, never have, please help, it hurts so bad man, I cant stop crying from the thought of not being with her


That is good, at least one of you two is motivated to have a marriage, if she is willing it could work.

But the post above this one indicated you did not really have a marriage. You need to setup a new relation, with new boundaries. And a lot of sex. And a lot of time apart for you two.


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## doubletrouble

jnj express said:


> Your Revenge---should be the filing of D, paperwork immediately


I agree with jnj here, with this exception. Your best revenge is to live well. She will see you're happier without her, and that will be your best "weapon" in the end.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

SteveSchuylkill, with all your revenge talk and not hearing from you for a few days, I'm starting to worry...

Everyone in this situation thinks about revenge. Some don't think it for very long. Some talk about it, but never act. Others start to follow through to varying degrees.

Believe me, many of us started imagining some of the things that you could do to your BS when you mentioned getting revenge.

But doing over just thinking/talking about it is a whole other animal. Once your let this beast loose from it's cage it becomes REEL hard to control. Especially if she starts trying to one-up you on it.

Think about your safety and your freedom if you start planning on ways to get her back. Just a thought.


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## SteveSchuylkill

What do I benefit from divorce ? Such as $$$, someone stated about a settlement, alimony: are these the same ? And suing the other guy, is this possible ?
Because at the moment I can NOT handle the bills alone in fact I am unemployed and starting schooling in August, it is only an 8 week course, and I feel I can't afford the bills and go to schooling at the same time.
Also, just curious if there is a statute of limitations as far has holding her accountable for this divorce with this affair ?
At the moment we are "Reconciling" as I debate what to do next.


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## Almostrecovered

SteveSchuylkill said:


> What do I benefit from divorce ? Such as $$$, someone stated about a settlement, alimony: are these the same ? And suing the other guy, is this possible ?
> Because at the moment I can NOT handle the bills alone in fact I am unemployed and starting schooling in August, it is only an 8 week course, and I feel I can't afford the bills and go to schooling at the same time.
> Also, just curious if there is a statute of limitations as far has holding her accountable for this divorce with this affair ?
> At the moment we are "Reconciling" as I debate what to do next.



adultery doesn't affect a lick of anything in PA in regards to divorce

same with most states except 7


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## ThePheonix

As a practical matter Steve, you need to stay in the marriage until you get your ducks in a row. You're still in shock that your wife has betrayed you. You don't have to do anything right now.


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## SteveSchuylkill

Thanks, yea I need some time but wasn't sure if that hurt my chances at any compensation, yes it seems weird but for me to feel a little better I wish she would have to pay something to me. Is there any such thing, like alimony ? a settlement ? or do I get nothing for the time and money I invested in our marriage ?


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## Squeakr

Unless she makes a ton more than you and you can prove that your lifestyle will be drastically changed, palimony is probably not an option. Unless she is wiling to give you something, there is nothing within the law that would provide for you to get a settlement out of her (unless there was a prenuptial that agreed otherwise, and then they can be overridden). It sucks, but like was stated unless you live in one of the 6-7 states that still see it as the heinous offense it is, you will get nothing more than the 50/50 split usually (unless your state doesn't believe in community property). If the OM resides in one of the 6-7 states that still care about this then you could bring a suit in those states. (Keep in mind I am not a lawyer so don't construe this as legal advice).


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## SteveSchuylkill

Yes you are correct, it seems I may only be able to get possibly a more than 50/50 deal at best. Hmm, and my thoughts for R when considering it, that I do believe she loves me and wants to try, I understand everything everyone here has said, and yes her actions are horrible, but in my heart I feel our relationship was not functioning properly, yes I could leave her, but despite what she did here, I love her and want to be with her. I thought I might R and work on forgiving, and each of us work on individual improvement as well as counseling concerning our relationship. At that I would enter into our new relationship understanding that the odds are that she does it again, but I am willing to enjoy being with her for many years to come, and pay this price again if she fails again, that's just how much I love her, I guess I am trying to say, my options are live without her, in which I don't want to....or....try forgiving her and risk this pain I am feeling now, in hopes that it does work out, and if not, it wont hurt as much next time, but at least I took another chance and created more memories, 20 years was no joke, she would not have stayed that long if she did not truly love me. To be honest I am not making any excuses for her, and she did an awful thing, but I believe it not to be her typical behavior, on the other hand I've been wrong before, I think I just need time, and to keep reading the things everyone here is writing, if anyone digs what I am trying to say, or have felt the same way, please comment, or if you experts think I am in some sort of trance or stage and you have seen this reaction before please point it out, I am open to any and all suggestions related to the fact that....I am willing to try again although I realize the odds are against me, I want to gamble for happiness against another heartbreak.


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## alte Dame

Steve - I am going to plead with you to man up and tell the OM's poor wife. She has a right to know. As much a right as you have had. It is not your call to decide what she should know or not know in her own life. If you don't tell her, you are making decisions for her.

He already has spun a story to her, but nonetheless it is your duty, in my opinion, as a decent human being, to do your best to make sure she knows that her H has been having sex with another woman for a full year (at least).


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## MovingAhead

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes you are correct, it seems I may only be able to get possibly a more than 50/50 deal at best. Hmm, and my thoughts for R when considering it, that I do believe she loves me and wants to try, I understand everything everyone here has said, and yes her actions are horrible, but in my heart I feel our relationship was not functioning properly, yes I could leave her, but despite what she did here, I love her and want to be with her. I thought I might R and work on forgiving, and each of us work on individual improvement as well as counseling concerning our relationship. At that I would enter into our new relationship understanding that the odds are that she does it again, but I am willing to enjoy being with her for many years to come, and pay this price again if she fails again, that's just how much I love her, I guess I am trying to say, my options are live without her, in which I don't want to....or....try forgiving her and risk this pain I am feeling now, in hopes that it does work out, and if not, it wont hurt as much next time, but at least I took another chance and created more memories, 20 years was no joke, she would not have stayed that long if she did not truly love me. To be honest I am not making any excuses for her, and she did an awful thing, but I believe it not to be her typical behavior, on the other hand I've been wrong before, I think I just need time, and to keep reading the things everyone here is writing, if anyone digs what I am trying to say, or have felt the same way, please comment, or if you experts think I am in some sort of trance or stage and you have seen this reaction before please point it out, I am open to any and all suggestions related to the fact that....I am willing to try again although I realize the odds are against me, I want to gamble for happiness against another heartbreak.


Let me make this simple... Lawyers don't care that it's your life. It's their job and they make money on the more you are in court.

You will get half 50/50. It doesn't matter if she committed adultery in most states. Plan on half and accept it or your bill with the lawyers will go up. Don't spend time worrying about what is fair. If this is the route you are going, it's just business now.


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## warlock07

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes you are correct, it seems I may only be able to get possibly a more than 50/50 deal at best. Hmm, and my thoughts for R when considering it, that I do believe she loves me and wants to try, I understand everything everyone here has said, and yes her actions are horrible, but in my heart I feel our relationship was not functioning properly, yes I could leave her, but despite what she did here, I love her and want to be with her. I thought I might R and work on forgiving, and each of us work on individual improvement as well as counseling concerning our relationship. At that I would enter into our new relationship understanding that the odds are that she does it again, but I am willing to enjoy being with her for many years to come, and pay this price again if she fails again, that's just how much I love her, I guess I am trying to say, my options are live without her, in which I don't want to....or....try forgiving her and risk this pain I am feeling now, in hopes that it does work out, and if not, it wont hurt as much next time, but at least I took another chance and created more memories, 20 years was no joke, she would not have stayed that long if she did not truly love me. To be honest I am not making any excuses for her, and she did an awful thing, but I believe it not to be her typical behavior, on the other hand I've been wrong before, I think I just need time, and to keep reading the things everyone here is writing, if anyone digs what I am trying to say, or have felt the same way, please comment, or if you experts think I am in some sort of trance or stage and you have seen this reaction before please point it out, I am open to any and all suggestions related to the fact that....I am willing to try again although I realize the odds are against me, I want to gamble for happiness against another heartbreak.



You are making a common mistake most betrayed spouses do but you do not want to listen. People ump into false reconciliation quite frequently only to find that the affair resumed shortly after the D-day. And by acting like you are now, you are actually increasing the chances that the affair will resume. You know this, but you do not want to accept it. When you actually realize and understand thye situation, you will have wasted a few more years and suffered through some more heart breaks.

All I ask you is to educate yourself with material found in this forum and other internet infidelity boards. Understand the nature of infidelity. Your wife was cheating on you for a year. She probably spent the family money on hotel trips. It wasn't a mistake. Your wife changed. her feelings towards you chnaged. Don't rush into R. Understand the grasp the situation. Read your wife's actions. Only then, decide to R with her. Until then, you can co-habitate with her


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## See_Listen_Love

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Because at the moment I can NOT handle the bills alone in fact I am unemployed and starting schooling in August, it is only an 8 week course, and I feel I can't afford the bills and go to schooling at the same time.


Steve, you must realise you are not the most intelligent guy.

That is no problem at all, if you just accept that and work from there.

Follow the advice you got above, they are your external brain now, far more potent that you ever could dream.


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## Suspecting

Do you have any way to confirm the affair was one year? If not I'd assume it was going on even longer. Remember she first only admitted to 10 min one night stand which then changed to one year affair.

No consequences for her=she is gonna cheat again or they went underground with the affair. She is probably texting or calling him from work. The OM's text "I don't love you that way" means your wife wanted to divorce you to be with him but he wants only sex from her and is not willing to leave his wife. The worst part about this is that your wife introduced the OM to your daughters, most likely to see how they will go along (stepdad). This means your daughters knew about the affair. Is your wife a nurse?


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## ThePheonix

You have to remember that Steve revealed this girl is apparently keeping a roof over his head. He can either continue to live with her or he's on the street. That's something anybody is going to consider. To him, its kinda like having a new car. The first ding in the door drives you nuts. The third or fourth is much easier to live with.
If you read what he's saying, its become a business deal for him.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Do you realize one thing, in the eyes of your wife you are a needy, weak and easy to cuckold husband. She will do the same if you didnt prove other wise to her by giving tough consequences which also include making her OM suffer (which will be too much for her) by exposing OM to his wife and friends.

for some its easy to get over the infidelity when money is the main thing. In your case if you decide to D you will end up in streets so R is a good option. 


But what about your self respect? Does it have anything in front of money?


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## ianos

She has already D you she is waiting for the OM to D his wife so they could be together,her problem is that the OM wants her 
just for sex-simply she has not figured it out yet- ,only if she realise that he mock her she'll understand her mistake and then you might have a chance to rebuild your marriage.
The OM W should be informed because she deserves to know ,and because this way your W would finally understand that the OM has no plans to D her W ,and he's fooling her.


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## Jonesey

SteveSchuylkill said:


> Yes you are correct, it seems I may only be able to get possibly a more than 50/50 deal at best. Hmm, and my thoughts for R when considering it, that* I do believe she loves me and wants to try,* I sorry,but at this point how ask,do yo know that??
> 
> I understand everything everyone here has said, and yes her actions are horrible, but in my heart *I feel our relationship was not functioning properly*, Not at least curios on why that was like that es I could leave her, but despite what she did here, I love her and want to be with her. I thought I might R and work on forgiving, and each of us work on individual improvement as well as counseling concerning our relationship. At that I would enter into our new relationship understanding that the odds are that she does it again, but I am willing to enjoy being with her for many years to come, and pay this price again if she fails again, that's just how much I love her, I guess I am trying to say, my options are live without her, in which I don't want to....or....try forgiving her and risk this pain I am feeling now, in hopes that it does work out, and if not, it wont hurt as much next time, but at least I took another chance and created more memories, 20 years was no joke,* she would not have stayed that long if she did not truly love me.* I really feel for you*. To be honest I am not making any excuses for her,* Sorry my friend but yo do
> 
> 
> and she did an awful thing, but I believe it not to be her typical behavior, on the other hand I've been wrong before, I think I just need time, and to keep reading the things everyone here is writing, if anyone digs what I am trying to say, or have felt the same way, please comment, or if you experts think I am in some sort of trance or stage and you have seen this reaction before please point it out, I am open to any and all suggestions related to the fact that....I am willing to try again although I realize the odds are against me, I want to gamble for happiness against another heartbreak.



We see this all time sadly..But the question is what is she doing for you..Man i feel so bad for yo


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## the guy

Coming in late , but job well done TAM folks!

In my case I keep my old lady and it was under my terms. It was Mrs. the-guys choice to submit to me in any way possible.

I can tell you one thing I have learned and that it takes a lot of grace to forgive this kind of crap. I have been told I have alot of grace.LOL

yes hard to believe a guy that used to hit his wife has grace, but I do these days..

Any way me and the old lady are 3 years into R and I'm with you, I'll take the risk in my chick cheating again cuz if she does all bets are off and for now its all about risk management on both are parts.

She has her issue she addresses as an individual and I have mine (yes you guessed it "anger") and we both are taking the risk by staying together, but in the end isn't life one big risk with the choices we make with work, raising kids, and picking a mate???


R worked for us, but it wasn't so much me keeping her as it was her doing the heavy lifting in making it up to me and rebuilding that trust that gets smashed.

R or D they are both hard thing to deal with, but sometimes love wins out and you guys can beat this sh1t and make it.

Granted I'm wired different then most and some of the crap I had my wife do could be considered criminal...she did show the submission I need from her.

These days both me and Mrs.the-guy have alot to make up after 23 years of a very unhealthy marriage.

In your case SSk you may have been the perfect husband and what she did to you my be unforgivable, but only you can find the grace to forgive or not. And no one can judge you for that!


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## the guy

One more thing, I know exactly how you played your wife in getting the truth...I kind of did the same thing and listening to your old lady spill the truth is no easy task...especially hearing about the 20 OM's in a 13 year long adultorus life style. After hearing this I have to say my chick has run out of any TT...but then again were still young.LOL

Sincerly
the guy with the cheating wife


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## Decorum

Expose to Posom's wife.

I am sorry, good luck.


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## lenzi

WifeBeaterEater1 said:


> Truth is, you will reconcile because you can't support yourself or your family, and need your wife to do it for you. She isn't at fault for cheating on you, she is at fault for staying with your pathetic ass.


There is no excuse for cheating. None. It's a cowardly, deceptive act for which there is no justification.



WifeBeaterEater1 said:


> So keep acting like a two year old child. You are giving everyone a good laugh.


Speak for yourself. I'm not laughing so there goes your "everyone is laughing" theory.

You don't sound like an easy person to get along with.


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## rrrbbbttt

Zombie thread, OP has not been back since 2013


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## lenzi

rrrbbbttt said:


> Zombie thread, OP has not been back since 2013


It appears this new poster is the Op's wife, who found his posts here and seems to think that it's fine that she cheated because he's a loser and it's all his fault.

Typical cheater mentality.

She's the only one who is laughing.


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## convert

or maybe (can't tell for sure) it is the OM that op's wife is seeing


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