# fear of rejection



## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

Hi All.
I am in a situation that has developed over time with my wife. I now know, following counceling sessions, that my worries about rejection and subsequent episodes of ED are born from being rejected many times in the past by my wife. Not pointing any blame here, I am sure I have my part to play..

we did make some good progress together on the whole issue of sex, we read the books together like " his needs her needs" , "she comes first" etc. and seemed to light us both up.
sex twice a week, I am happy with that, adventurous, fun and mutual pleasure.

Things have now slipped back to maybe once a month or so, and that is mostly a mercy hand job done as quick as poss. if I didn't initiate that wouldn't happen either.
I do try to make it about her needs first but she brushes that aside.

Problem now is I am reluctant to initiate because it makes me feel crap about myself, doesn't seem to be any pleasure in it for her, and I can,t handle much more rejection, it is so destructive in many ways. I am getting to the point where I am now trying to tune myself out as a matter of sel preservation.

At my last council session I said I wish I could switch of my sexual urge so as not appear selfish and demanding. The councilersaid it was the saddest thing she had heard.

I can feel feel resentment creeping in from both of us and it ain't good. It seems my wife is avoiding doing any of the things I like. I am big on the visual but all the lingerie has been thrown in a draw somewhere never to be seen again. I love my wife to come to bed in classy underwear, I have asked but it aint happening.

the other night we were out at a dance , danced together a lot, had a few drinks but not too much. Wife looked stunning, people I dont know made a point of telling me wife looked amazing. The desire to make love to my wife was top of my agenda for sure. When we got home she nipped upstairs, came back down in jogging bottoms and sweater:scratchhead: Oh no, you have taken the heals off, and the dress. Yeah, so what was the reply. Don't feel much like initiating anything other than a cup of tea after that
she knows i love the visual stimulus so why do that.
anyway, just needed to get all this down, it helps.

cheerio


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes it does help to get it all out, even if no one is listening.

How long have you been married?

It sounds like you lust for your wife as much as the day you met her.

What happened to her????

What happens to people for crying out loud!

All I can suggest is try to get inside her head to the degree you can. Try to figure out what's going on in there. If you haven't talked to her about it of course that's the first step.

Remember that even if she is non-communicative or evasive, you can still read between the lines.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The fact that after reading the usual books for DIY things got better is a good sign. 

Sit down with her in a neutral location like a coffee shop (helps keep discussion civil if you're in a public place) and discuss where were you, the fix, and the regression into old habits.

If she's willing to talk, listen. If she freaks out or refuses to talk then there's a variety of DIY books like NMMNG or MMSL that you can try but it's better to keep things civil.


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## goyaboard1 (Aug 7, 2012)

badsanta. your reply did make me laugh, I thank you for that.
we have been married 35 years and did have some problems around the same issue a couple of years ago. This resulted in a 6 month seperation. When we both got back together we worked hard on the issues and they were exciting times, a real voyage of discovery for us both. I did suffer from bouts of ED during this time due to anxiety etc.

However, thing feel like they are now slipping back into the old situation and I don't want to go there again.
Time for yet another talk about my feelings and hers I think.
Trouble is my wife gets real defensive when I try and talk about it, saying thinks like " oh, why does it always have to be about sex" etc.

surely if it is making me very unhappy then its got to be worth a conversation at least. why would anyone in love want to continue with behaviour that is making the other feel very sad and low:scratchhead: It is this thought that is adding fuel to my resentment.

I wonder if I started acting like a total b"$%&*d it would change her view on things.
I always compliment her on her looks, character and all. do loads around the house, do my share of cooking and do all the manly stuff like decorating, fixing up the house , car maintenance etc. you know, all round good guy. Even tried srutting about in low cut jeans and a tool belt, six pack out,arms pumped, looking all mean and moody but what happens?????????? nothing. God if my wife made that kind of effort she would be hoisted over my shoulder and carried off to my man cave in the blink of an eye:smthumbup:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

What has your marriage counselor told you thus far? At least on an individual basis?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It seems to me that in many longer term marriages the expectation is that sex stops at some point after XX years but the intimacy stays.... It's like it's programmed into people.


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