# how do you deal with the loss of "new" sex excitement? HELP!!



## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Okay, I'm not really sure how to go about this question but here goes. How do you deal with the loss of the "new" sex excitement with your spouse. What I mean is when you are dating you are always excited / aroused when it comes to foreplay / sex. When you are married that dwindles away. How do you deal with that loss? For instance when we were dating my wife would become very wet when we would begin foreplay and then into sex. It was great and I knew she was really into it all. Now I have to work her into it. The kissing, cuddling, fondling, etc etc. don't do it anymore. I have to actually be performing oral on her. Do I just accept that i will never get her "wet" in the pants anymore? It's just very depressing as she still excites me a lot. I know all about trying new things and keeping the excitement in the sex. The sex and everything is fine. We both enjoy that. The part that bothers me is I just don't get her wet until it actually takes place. What makes it harder is she says she has little to no sex drive which I know about already. What can I do if anything to help this?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know how old you are or your wife is. We don't become wet not because we are not interested in sex. Our age, stress, health, all matters. I am 37, I had been dry for a couple of years. I was not healthy. I had surgery. I was also dealing with my emotional problems. I never wanted to forgo my orgasms, so my husband and I still had regular sex, but my orgasms were very little. Use lubricant when she is dry. That's what I did. Now I am healthy and wet again. So please be patient and understanding of your wife!


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## joelmacdad (Jul 26, 2010)

It will be hard to provide answers without more detail. How long have you been married? How old are both of you?


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

I get wet before we even have sex, just thinking about him or the last time. He can also do things to make me wet. I love it when he touches my butt as he walks past me, or comes up behind me and holds me from behind and gives me a kiss. If she will tell you, find out what makes her feel desired and loved, what kind of touch or look from you will turn her on. Porn can do it - does she like to read porn books? 

It is normal for a woman to need foreplay. She is normal.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Depending on her age and other factors, I doubt very much that it has anything to do with you or any lack of excitement for you. As women get older, we don't always get as wet as we did when we were younger. It's a simple fact of aging. You can use lube to help with that. The lack of sex drive is also probably contributing in part to the lack of wetness, and that may or may not also be due to aging. She should probably see a doctor to ensure she doesn't have any other health issues that could be causing the lack of sex drive and lack of lubrication. if she is depressed, or even I think thyroid issues can contribute to problems like this. 

Above all, be supportive of her and don't feel like it is something to do with you. Like I said, I highly doubt it has anything to do with you. 

You can also talk to her and tell her you understand her drive is low, but you'd like to know what, if anything, you can do that might help her be more interested, or what things she really likes that you can do to get her going.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Sorry about that. I did leave out some information that would help you all. 

We are 34 and 33 and have been married 10 years. I'll start with saying that once we progress into the oral she will start to get aroused and then everything is fine. My thing is that she use to get wet just from the foreplay and that doesn't happen anymore. Without going into too much detail I know it has nothing to do with the age, health, stress because at one point someone else got her wet during the touchy / feely phase. So I know she's capable. I think it's just because she has been with me so long and there is nothing new about it. YOu know the excitement of something new. So how does one deal with that?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I understand that. When my husband wants a quickie, he just licks me. I can become wet if I read porn stories. It is very normal that we don't get excited about each other after so many years together. Somebody else can make her wet, but it is not right. She should know that. And it is not your fault. We normally don't get excited over things we already have. Do you still get excited over your ten-year-old car? No, right? For this, we just have to use morals to restrain ourselves. Take her to a different place to have sex, field, forest, hotel rooms, we can make small changes, but we also have to accept that we are married and being faithful to each other is important. Hope she understands the importance of this.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Did u try my suggestions - touching her suggestively in erotic zones before you even get to the bedroom? Back of neck, butt, ears, brushing up against her, etc. Touching her knee in the restaurant? Or does that not work?


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

@ Sara ann
Yes, I have tried all these things before even leading up to the bedroom. It does nothing. I have done neck, feet massages. I have done kisses on her nape, shoulders, ears, everywhere pratically, Hugging, caressing, kissing, brushing up against her, gentle touching / caressing to her sides, legs, everywhere. Nothing works. she can go from all that to like nothing ever happened and go on her way. It's a bit saddening to know I do all this and it has no affect on her. Sigh!!

When we talk about it she just apologizes, says sorry, becomes sad and says "sorry i'm not what you want" or "im sad because i can't be like that" 

Basically now I feel like an ass for bringing it up.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Ok, another idea. Get physically playful. Go bowling, play with a ball, start wrestling, anything to connect on a joyful laughing level. I can't wait to try this with my husband. I want to really laugh and have fun with him, have him wrestle me down a bit, then take me over and just do me hard and fast. Or gentle, just let it develop. We are sweet to each other, but we need to get back that playfulness. I laugh at his jokes, but there is a different chemistry from laughing about physical play.

Do you ever go on dates? Talk about stuff? Is there an emotional connection?

Is there something in her life bothering her, causing stress? Is she maybe mad you are not helping with the housework or kids enough? One of my friends loves her husband dearly and is always sweet to him, but she does not want sex because she is mad he does not help enough around the house.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

@ Sara Ann, 
We go on a date every Friday. It's pretty much just a dinner date and then on occasion we do some shopping after or run a few errands. We have 4 kids so this is really our only free time. It's usually for 2-3 hours. During this time we talk about the kids, what she or I did that day, our plans for the weekend. things of that nature. 

We are an interesting couple as our counselor has even told us. We care so much about the other person's feelings that we don't express our own as we should. I have gotten better at this than my W. When we go on our dinner dates she chooses water over an alcoholic drink. Which is kinda odd cause if she went out with a friend of hers it would be an acoholic drink. My take on this is I don't know if she is doing this because I'm not a big drinker or what but I always suggest a drink and I would have one as well but it never happens. I think it would help open up the communication between us. That's just my thought. 

I will try to mention the bowling or some other activity and see how that goes. I know the wrestling is out. She is not a physical playful person so she wouldn't be into the wrestling. 

My W use to stay at home with the 4 kids. My youngest is 3 and my oldest is 9. 2 o the kids are home most of the day with her and they stress her out. So she looks forward to getting out on Friday date night. She also goes out every Sunday with her friend in the morning for a walk. that's usually another 3 - 4 hours cause they walk a few miles and then go get coffee and chat. I also help out with a lot of the housework. I cook some of the meals, I wash dishes, make up the beds, vacuum and more daily. I also go out every morning and get her a coffee to start her day with. 

I don't know what else i can do...


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