# So disappointed in husband



## sixtieschic

I'm new here. I thought I was "relatively" happily married. My husband and I get along fine, we do things together, we have a lot in common ... we've always had a problem with intimacy. I want it, he doesn't. After 21 years of marriage to this man, I've learned to live with it. 

Tonight I think I turned a corner. I'm afraid of what I'm feeling - like that last straw was just too much for this old camel. 

To make a long story short, a neighbor that we've had some troubles with came to our door tonight and really told me off and threatened me. My husband saw him coming and high-tailed it to the garage, basically throwing me to the wolves. After it was all over with I asked him why the heck he didn't stick around and defend me. He said "You know I don't like confrontation." 

I told him how much this hurt and he said he was sorry. I just can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking of all the times he has left me to fend for myself in situations like this, when we should be together, supporting each other. I can't stop thinking about all the battles I have taken up for him over the years. I can't stop thinking about a whole lot of things...

Tell me I'm going to get over this. Tell me I'll feel like I can count on him. Tell me I'll respect him somehow someday.


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## cheewagacheewaga

No offense, but sounds like you married a wuss. Unfortunately I have no solutions, but just wanted to state that.


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## draconis

It sounds like he doesn't have much of a back bone and considering all the years you have known him it doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon. You have lived like this for this long, you have to ask if you can continue to live like this. Counsiling might help in getting the information across to him and I really don't think it can hurt.

draconis


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## loveandmarriage

sixtieschic said:


> ....To make a long story short, a neighbor that we've had some troubles with came to our door tonight and really told me off and threatened me. My husband saw him coming and high-tailed it to the garage, basically throwing me to the wolves. After it was all over with I asked him why the heck he didn't stick around and defend me. He said "You know I don't like confrontation."


I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, BUT your husband is not your protector. To say to you, "You know I don't like confrontation." is a cop out. What if this situation with your neighbor escalated to a physical confrontation. Would your husband step in and protect you? By the time he got to the neighbor, he would have already (God forbid) hit you. So your husband should have been there from the beginning.

He does not realize that we women like to feel protected. It's in our nature. Men are the "Tarzans". They go out into the jungle and then swoop us "Janes" up and protect us when we need protecting. I am very curious to know what role does HE think he has in your family.:scratchhead:


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## sixtieschic

First of all, thank you for listening and not telling me I'm an idiot. 

My husband has always been a very good provider. He's a very very very nice man. He'll do anything for anyone. Everyone likes him. 

I guess that's his role in our family - being the nice guy. He's been a wonderful father, although I was the main parent. He gives me anything I want. Bribery basically. I've told him a thousand times I'd rather have him tell me I'm pretty than another piece of jewelry, but he just can't do it. I've told myself that's how he says it, that's how he shows he cares, and I've gotten through. 

I'm just reeling from this incident. I don't know how to count on him. I guess I've never had to before and just trusted that he'd be there for me. Knowing that he won't has sent me into a scary place.


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## MarkTwain

Do you never have sex at all?


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## happilymarried67

sixtieschic said:


> First of all, thank you for listening and not telling me I'm an idiot.
> 
> My husband has always been a very good provider. He's a very very very nice man. He'll do anything for anyone. Everyone likes him.
> 
> I guess that's his role in our family - being the nice guy. He's been a wonderful father, although I was the main parent. He gives me anything I want. Bribery basically. I've told him a thousand times I'd rather have him tell me I'm pretty than another piece of jewelry, but he just can't do it. I've told myself that's how he says it, that's how he shows he cares, and I've gotten through.
> 
> I'm just reeling from this incident. I don't know how to count on him. I guess I've never had to before and just trusted that he'd be there for me. Knowing that he won't has sent me into a scary place.


You already knew that about him so I can hardly say that you can hold that against him now. You knew that he was the provider and your the protective mother cub. You answered the door to the neighbor, not him. I wouldn't have answered it if I wasn't going for a confrontation. Instead of working through these issues long ago, you have let them fester for years and years. I think if you want this marriage to last that you guys really need some counceling to help you out here. Just an opinion. Not supporting either side. And as for tarzan jane thing. If I am the one causing problems with the neighbor than I am the one that has to deal with the neighbor. IF your husband truly doesn't confront, than I wouldn't think that there was an issue with the neighbor in the first place. He would have happily helped out and figure out a solution to the "neighbor problem"


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## sixtieschic

Happilymarried 67, yes, you're right, I've let this fester too long. His mother used to attack me constantly and he'd just let her. I excused it because it was his mother. His one friend's wife used to bad-mouth me and he never defended me, but I excused it because her husband was my husband's friend and I didn't want to make trouble between the two of them. A guy grabbed me one night (years ago) and my husband made no effort to stop him. He said he didn't see it, but I knew he did. I could go on and on. But you're absolutely right. I've let it fester for years. And now I can't stand the sight of him or the sound of his voice. 

I answered the door because I thought this guy was here to apologize or to have a rational conversation to work out our differences, not because I wanted a confrontation. I'm not in the habit of not answering my door. And my husband was right behind me until he saw this guy so HE obviously knew he was here to be nasty. He didn't tell me not to answer the door, or answer the door instead of me. He just left me to deal with him on my own. 

MarkTwain, we have sex about 4 or 5 times a year.


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## loveandmarriage

sixtieschic said:


> Happilymarried 67, yes, you're right, I've let this fester too long. His mother used to attack me constantly and he'd just let her. I excused it because it was his mother. His one friend's wife used to bad-mouth me and he never defended me, but I excused it because her husband was my husband's friend and I didn't want to make trouble between the two of them. A guy grabbed me one night (years ago) and my husband made no effort to stop him. He said he didn't see it, but I knew he did. I could go on and on. But you're absolutely right. I've let it fester for years. And now I can't stand the sight of him or the sound of his voice.


What you mentioned above are BIG. I think you guys may need to go to counseling. If you are at a point now where you can't stand the sight of him or the sound of his voice, something has to give. It is never too late to make a change that will give you inner peace and happiness.


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## sixtieschic

Loveandmarriage, thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I do appreciate it more than you know. 

I'm sure we've needed counseling for many many years. We had a short bout of counseling years ago, but it was basically me b*tching and him saying I was right. I felt bad about complaining so much and nothing else changed. I should probably bring it up again and see if he'll go, but right now I'm a bit raw and can't even talk to him yet. I don't want to hurt him. 

I know I hurt his feelings the other day. No man wants his wife to call him a coward. But that's about the only thing I can say right now so I'm not saying anything. 

In the meantime, it's very uncomfortable around here. We're not speaking at all, going out to eat separately, avoiding each other. I keep thinking about going to a hotel for a few days, but I have dogs and no one to take care of them if I go. Blah blah blah ....


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## okeydokie

despite my numerous issues with my own marriage, i would still defend my wife vigorously in this or similar situations. it is difficult for me to understand his retreating


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## sixtieschic

okeydokie said:


> despite my numerous issues with my own marriage, i would still defend my wife vigorously in this or similar situations. it is difficult for me to understand his retreating


Me too.:scratchhead: I've always known he's got confrontation issues, but never, in a million years, did I expect him to leave me to face something like this alone. I don't like confrontation either, but I handle it when it finds me. I'm pretty much floored by this whole thing.


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## TheLoveGuru's

The only way that you can respect him, is to respect him. Respect him just as he is. Know that this is the type of person that he is, and this is the way that he will be in the future. We agree, it would be nice to have had him there, but he just isn't the type to deal with it, thats all. He's different.


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## TheLoveGuru's

Once you accept this, accept him, you will know exactly where to take things from there. If its to another home, if its to counseling, or if its nowhere... Realize there is nothing wrong with what he did. He was just being him; as upsetting as that may be. He has his reasons.


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## sixtieschic

TheLoveGuru's said:


> Once you accept this, accept him, you will know exactly where to take things from there. If its to another home, if its to counseling, or if its nowhere... Realize there is nothing wrong with what he did. He was just being him; as upsetting as that may be. He has his reasons.


Thank you. That's kind of where I'm at right now -- working on acceptance and figuring out where that's going to lead us ... or perhaps just me.


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## loveandmarriage

sixtieschic said:


> ..... I know I hurt his feelings the other day. No man wants his wife to call him a coward. But that's about the only thing I can say right now so I'm not saying anything. ....


When you called him a coward, how did he respond?


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## sixtieschic

He responded by saying "You know I don't like confrontation." We haven't really spoken since, other than "excuse me"'s etc. 

I don't like confrontation either.


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## GAsoccerman

Hmmm sorry just catching up here...

May I ask, what is the issue with the neighbor? Why did he threaten you? and have you called the police and set up a restraining order against the neighbor?

Some people are not confrontational, I bet you are though, sounding like you had numerous issues with Numerous people, which is not a bad thing, you just stand up for what you beilieve in.

I am allot like you, I am balls to the wall ready to dig in to a good fight, My wife is allot like your husband, no confrontation at all, she won't even return something to the store, I have to do it. She won't argue with me, she would rather crawl down a hole and hide until I am no longer mad. 

it is just who they are, sometimes it drives me nuts as well, becuase she is also no social, she rather be by herself then with other people.

Luckily for me that she is the woman and I am the man, so we fit well together in that way.

You are probably the Alpha leader of the family, thus the confrontaions with other women.

It is just how is programed mentally. Maybe some counseling would help him, but I doubt it.

Your Husband may be a wuss, but your Neighbor is a Di** for threatening a woman, No real man would ever threaten a woman.


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## sixtieschic

Hehe, I don't know where you are getting "confrontations with other women" from. I am a pretty non-confrontational person myself. I don't like to not get along with people. I pretty much fall over myself to get along. I find arguing a huge waste of time.

Maybe you're talking about hub's mother and hub's friend's wife? These weren't confrontations either. They just pretty much picked on me and I took it, all the while p*ssed at hub because he let them pick on me. 

Anyhow, the neighbor thing is about their dog, a pitbull, who kept coming into our yard and attacking my dogs, chihuahuas. If this dog get ahold of one of my dogs it will be a bloodbath. 

We have invisible fence. My dogs DO NOT LEAVE my yard EVER. My husband installed invisible fence for this neighbor in an effort to help them keep the dog in their own yard. They did not put the collar on the dog and it would come over and chase my dogs anyway constantly. It's been going on for a very long time and I've talked (very nicely) to the neighbor about my concerns on more occasions than I can count, offering MORE help, anything at all that we could possibly do. I think we really bent over backwards!

Finally, I told my neighbor that if the dog attacked my dogs again I would call the police. Well, the dog attacked my dogs the very next day so I called the police. Thus, the angry man at my door threatening me. 

Everyone in the neighborhood has trouble with these neighbors. I didn't WANT trouble with them - that's why we went out of our way to fix the situation. 

Anyway, it's over and done with. The neighbor got rid of the dog, which wasn't my intention at all. Typical of this guy though -- blame the dog. 

Neither my husband nor I have made any effort to discuss what happened. Why talk about it? What's going to change? Just more hurt feelings.


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## sunlover

Post a "No Trespassing sign" tell your neighbors what's going on-pro acitve.
Your husband sounds like mine! A coward that runs!!
That's one of the reasons we are seperated now...he ran!
When the going gets tough they run.
I take it your husband is not a tough guy to begin with so don't expect him to stand up. 
About the sex part. Are you the aggresser? I think you are, well things don't change in that area.
My husband is the same & I'm the aggresser that says lets go honey & he's not sure.
He just informed me that if we get back together & go to bed...he said I'm not getting any sex because he thinks I would get it in my head everything was okay!
How dumb is that! I'm getting a vi---tor! I won't need his ass & after a comment like that who needs him!
sunlover


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## GAsoccerman

well Six, I don't blame you at all with the dog, Here In Georgia I could have shot the dog if it was on my property threatening my dog. People that have PittBulls often think "not their dog" until it does attack something, but yea your dogs days were definately numbered.

You did the right thing in calling the police, he pushed you to it and he should have erected a real fence.

Sounds like your neighor is adding to your marital issues.

Sorry if I labelled you as a person who is confrontational, as I said not a bad thing to stand up for yourself.

Glad the dog thing is resolved, but you and your hubby should go for couseling to straighten out your issues.


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## Owlhoot

I am curious.. how did things turn out???


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## LonelyinLove

sixtieschic said:


> Hehe, the neighbor thing is about their dog, a pitbull, who kept coming into our yard and attacking my dogs, chihuahuas. If this dog get ahold of one of my dogs it will be a bloodbath.


We have a Chihuahua and a Pit Bull.

The Chi totally rules the Pit. Just say'in.....


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## tm84

I know some people are non-confrontational, but if some guy was in any way aggressive towards and/or threatening my wife, there is no way I'm going to "high tail it to the garage", except to get a gun or something else to defend her and us. 

It sounds like you might be at the end of your rope here. It seems like your husband wants to keep the peace, at any cost, but the cost seems to have been your respect for him and that's a hard thing to come back from unless he makes some drastic changes. Perhaps individual and marriage counseling could help.


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## Theseus

Wow, resurrecting a thread from 2008!

A bit of a double standard here; if the wife ran for the garage while the husband confronted the neighbor, I doubt anyone on this forum would blame her.


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## James C

Why didn't the OP tell the neighbor to speak to her husband? 

First off, if I have an issue with a neighbor, I do not talk to the wife unless the husband is present. If the husband wasn't there, I would leave my number and ask her to please have him call me. 

We had one issue with a jerky neighbor who would constantly bother my wife about our dog. I asked her not to engage in arguing with him and to just tell him to talk to me. It still bothered me so I looked up his number and left him a message saying if he has any problems to speak to me and left my cell number. He never called and we never had any problem thereafter. 

The other issue with the OP's neighbor's pit bulls getting loose would not fly either. The husband should do all he could to protect his family and pets. Pit bulls could tear you apart. I would exhaust all my resources starting with the police and dog warden. There is also civil action and lastly taking matters into your own hands.


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