# Please help me :(



## Gave up all for her (Mar 6, 2013)

My story:
I was unhappily married to wife for years but thought I could stick it out for the kids. I miss my kids but not my soon to be ex-wive. About 18 months ago. I met someone that made me feel fantastic. I've never been loved and cared for like she does for me and she feels the same. I truly didn't know how unhappy I was until I met this wonderful women. She is in a bad marriage also with two grown daughters (20 & 28). We move out together in August. It was awesome till Thanksgiving. She started having terrible guilt toward her daughters. Her husband is begging her to come back. She made the mistake of tell her husband about me and he told hers daughters. The daughters say they will never have anything to do with me and this will hurt their relationship. She is also dealing with the religious aspect of divorce. BTW this is her and her husbands second marriages. She can't seem to accept getting. She tells me she does not miss her husband at all or love her husband like a husband but like a friend. But has decided to go to a marriage counselor to prove to everyone and herself she tried. She agreed to marriage counseling thru April with little to no contact with me. The counselor told them last week that their marriage is dead divine intervention is the only hope. Her marriage has been bad for years. No sex for fours and they sleep in separate beds. She has been in an apartment since last Fall we shared for a few months and plans to stay there until she reaches a decision. If the counseling doesn't work out we will be together. So I'm in limbo after already filing for divorce. I'm dealing with a broken heart and divorce not good. All I can think of is being with her. I gave up all and she is now unsure. I know in my heart we are right together. I've never loved anyone like I love her and she says the same. I've agree to wait for her until after her counseling is over in April. Does marriage counseling really work. Do you think we'll end up together? How come she can tell me we will be together?


----------



## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You didn't realise how unhappy you were till you became a cheat?

You are surprised that her D's want nothing to do with the person that has split their parents? You are surprised that she feels guilty? What I wonder is why you don't feel any guilt?

You have much more pressing issues than whether she goes back to her husband or not. You need to start looking a little closer to home for solutions to your happiness.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

While I can hear your distress, this is a forum populated by betrayed spouses and others that have been left.

When I read your story, my reaction is that it's difficult to expect good things from your situation when neither one of you was disciplined enough to end your current marriages before taking up with each other.

It's a shame. If she would have been a good partner for you, you'll never know now.


----------



## Ebb & Flow (Mar 6, 2013)

The grass is not greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you choose to water it...


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't see your situation ending well. This woman you are in love with has been in two failed messages. 

I am sure she was deeply in love with her first husband and also her second husband. Could be that she married two losers, but most likely the marriage problems had a bunch to do with her.

You are in love with someone who cheats. My guess is that if you two do end up together, she will eventually fall out of love with you and cheat on you.

But then you are a cheater as well. So you might be the first to stray.

You guys will have a very hard time trusting each other.

Once all the icing is licked off your cake, your stomach ache will start. Relationships are always great for the first couple of years. Eventually trust issues and her true personality will come out.


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

My heart is breaking for you. Damn her husband and daughters for ruining your life.

Im sure it must be extremely lonely riding your unicorn solo.

Marriage counseling rarely works. It's just a front for the divorce lawyers.

Buck up mate.


----------



## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

So, see if plan B (your wife) will take you back.

That'll show that damn mistress of yours.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The success percentage for relationships born out of affairs is very low, and I think you're hitting a lot of the reasons why. Her family will always hold a grudge against you, especially her kids. So even if she wants to be with you, it will be without the support or even acceptance of many important people in her life. You're currently her "Plan B", her fallback if her marriage doesn't work out. That also doesn't bode well for your relationship. And you haven't yet hit the "trust" issues, where two affair partners can't trust each other because they know that when the going gets tough (or opportunities arise), their new relationship partner chose to cheat. So I think the odds are stacked against you, to be honest. I hope you were honest about leaving your marriage because you weren't happy, because if you left it for this woman, you may have made a really bad decision. 

And I say this as a former cheater who left his marriage. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

If the dates were different I would think this was written by my WH. When my WH packed up and left he expected for everything to go his way. He didn't want " hysterics" when he told me & wanted everything to be civil because he wasn't happy after almost 25 yrs of marriage. He expected our kids to go to the house he was sharing with OW. The kids - D23 S20 S14 - said no. How can someone who has done such destruction to his family - and trust me you have caused destruction no matter what you choose to believe- expect any acceptance from the kids. Especially older kids - you cant fool them! I keep thinking of the line my WH handed me "I'm not happy" guess what - he doesn't deserve it and niether do you!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, why did her first marriage end?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I should clarify my WH went directly from this house to hers. I'm sorry if I sound hostile but this story hit a little too close to home. When there are children involved you need to realize that they are greatly affected by what happened. They do count unless the WS involved are ready to turn their backs on the children. Its not all about the two of you but that is part of the cycle from what I have read. The couple having the affair lives in this fantasy world where everything is womderful but then reality sets in and everyday life interferes with the perfect vision they have created for themselves.


----------



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I suspect no answer to this, there will be a distinct lack of sympathy for this guy. Oh boo hoo. I ended my marriage to be with a cheater, oh what fun we two cheaters should have had, why didn't it last?

OH because cheaters always keep looking, that's why. WHat a surprise that she has been in 2 marriages that she ran from and she still hasn't decided what she wants. 

Pretty hard to sleep in this bed, but rest assured, it's the one you made.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

*Does marriage counseling really work?*
It can. Doesn't always. How come you didn't try it?

*Do you think we'll end up together?* 
Maybe. Her marriage sounds like it is dead and she would only be staying out of guilt. Will the two of you be happy in the long run? That's another question.

*How come she can tell me we will be together?*
Uh, because you agreed with it and you don't want to lose her. She's quite aware of that. She's currently in control of the situation, not you.


----------



## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

There is nothing to help you on this at the moment, you need to see what you have done and understand what will bring you true happiness at the end. You are in fog right now. 

First blunder is living in an unhappy marriage for so long wasting your life and your wive's, secondly falling in love before closing your marriage (this is completely unacceptable on this forum). Lastly, still not seeing things for what it is. Go for individual counseling for yourself first.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

What!? Idiot, this woman is obviously lying to you and telling you some sob story about being the mistreated martyr of a bad relationship in order to trigger your hero complex so you will step in and "save" her. No parent of a 20yo and 28 yo is that helpless and no one but a woman who is severly damaged would want a man to rescue her like ou think you're doing. And BTW you are not rescuing her! 

If anything you're just enabling this woman to do as she pleases because your blinded by her love bombing, the unreal affection and admiration she gives you and how she makes you feel "Just so super duper special!". She isn't in love with you I can tell you that! What part of her love has anything to do with healthy boundaries.... I mean C'mon you're just now leaving one bad relationship to move in with another. Does your shrink know what you're doing!?

I've seen this type of behavior before in certain screwy disordered women who get off on flailing around to big strong he men, and telling "whoa is me" stories about the abusive relationship they clearly GET OFF ON. They don't leave these men the same way they found them mind you. They enter into relationships the same ways your is starting out where they make their target feel awesome for just being himself, and then they slowly destroy that man and make him out to be some bully...... just as she's doing now with her husband! 

Newbie, if you want a look at YOUR future you only need to talk to her husband.... IF SHE WILL LET YOU! Ask him if all the bullsh!t and lies she's feeding you sink up with anything she told him at the beginning of their relationship. I don't care if this man is an alcoholic drug abusing maniac, he knows her best and probably has a thing or two to tell you. And duh, her daughters probably know what's really going on and have sided with their dad against their cheating mom. 

And seruously, she's a loser! She's been married twice now and is cheating.... WITH YOU! What, do you think she's going to be different with you? I've talked to other cheaters who were just heart broken their affairs fizzled out and they were being cheated on again. Guess how long that lasted...... Yeah, under 5 years with 3 being the average. That's one to two years of sexual bliss and a rushed relationship, and one to three years of "OMG why am I still with this person". 

I'm probably being too hard on you. That's because you need a good 2x4 smack accross the face to wake you up. You don't need a relationship right now, you need a counselor to dump your baggage with your stbxw and time off enjoying yourself being single. As I like to say, "Don't get envolved with a new woman, until you're through b!tching about the last one". And even at that take it freakin slow! The last thing you want is a woman going through exactly what you're going through who will suppress your needs in favor of her own.... Or a woman who will tell you to stop being so emotional and to do things her way as I'm sure you're used to.

Here's a website I want you to check out. Read up as much as you can and then come back and tell us you know different and you're affair is special. Is Your Girlfriend or Wife a Professional Victim? | A Shrink for Men


----------

