# My 18yr old daughter dating 24yr old



## SandyM

Anyone else see this as a problem? 
She is getting ready to go to college and has now pulled the Im 18 and I want to stay here and go to community college because of this guy. After I made her talk to other family members she finally agreed to sign the dorm agreement and has gone to orientation but now Im concerned that she won't do well in college because she will want to keep coming home to see this guy. 
I have tried to not be so angry about it knowing that will just push her closer to him (thats what I did when I was her age)
So I have calmly told her I don't agree with the age difference but I know that she will end up seeing him whether or not I approve. So now she is trying to force him on me by having him over on Sunday for a family dinner/game night. I told her no.
Any advice? Should I treat him like any boyfriend her age just so she can eventually see through any issues that are there?


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## 827Aug

As the mother of two 17 year old daughters, I really don't see a problem with the age difference. Is this guy a college grad? Does he work? Is he a good influence on your daughter? Is he a good person? Those are the things I look at instead of strictly age. 

One of my daughters recently announced her plans to get married upon graduation. I had a frank talk with both her and her boyfriend. I basically told them they could have my blessings when three conditions were met. I listed those things out. It actually brought my daughter and her boyfriend closer to me because I didn't say no. Instead both of them are highly motivated to meet those conditions. You are correct in not being "against" your daughter. That will only drive her away. Try to find a solution which is a win-win for both of you.


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## magnoliagal

I was always mature so when I was young I tended to date guys that were older than me. It's just a number. I'd look at other qualities before I looked at age.


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## golfergirl

827Aug said:


> As the mother of two 17 year old daughters, I really don't see a problem with the age difference. Is this guy a college grad? Does he work? Is he a good influence on your daughter? Is he a good person? Those are the things I look at instead of strictly age.
> 
> One of my daughters recently announced her plans to get married upon graduation. I had a frank talk with both her and her boyfriend. I basically told them they could have my blessings when three conditions were met. I listed those things out. It actually brought my daughter and her boyfriend closer to me because I didn't say no. Instead both of them are highly motivated to meet those conditions. You are correct in not being "against" your daughter. That will only drive her away. Try to find a solution which is a win-win for both of you.


My 19 year old is dating a 25 year old. As long as he treats her well, the age difference doesn't bother me. It's the person that's important. He's way better than the same aged pot head she had previously . Can she come home weekends to see him? I would personally rather meet him and get to know him than not have him allowed around. If she's pushing for a meeting, she must be quite proud of him. If he's college grad, she might be motivated by him and his success.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SandyM

Thanks for input, I failed to mention, he isn't a college grad. He started community college but quit and moved from his parents home to live with his sister in another city. He only works as a server in a resteraunt. He smokes, drinks, and doesnt have a car. What struck me wrong from the beginning is he was talking to and seeing my daughter when he had a girlfriend. 
I take it from the advice given, I should still have him over and meet him to see what my daughter sees?


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## golfergirl

SandyM said:


> Thanks for input, I failed to mention, he isn't a college grad. He started community college but quit and moved from his parents home to live with his sister in another city. He only works as a server in a resteraunt. He smokes, drinks, and doesnt have a car. What struck me wrong from the beginning is he was talking to and seeing my daughter when he had a girlfriend.
> I take it from the advice given, I should still have him over and meet him to see what my daughter sees?


Oh so not a trade up. I would have him over and give your daughter a 'soft place to land'. If you butt heads against him, it will be them against the world and she won't come to you when it falls apart. Do what you need to to ensure she gets an education, because if she doesn't, that's how they get trapped. If she bails on the dorm, enroll community college so she keeps moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

SandyM said:


> Thanks for input, I failed to mention, he isn't a college grad. He started community college but quit and moved from his parents home to live with his sister in another city. He only works as a server in a resteraunt. He smokes, drinks, and doesnt have a car. What struck me wrong from the beginning is he was talking to and seeing my daughter when he had a girlfriend.
> I take it from the advice given, I should still have him over and meet him to see what my daughter sees?


PS, my daughter has a friend who is 'only a server', and he makes over $6000 a month with tips. The cheating is a problem but don't judge people on their work, the fact he's working is good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

The more you deny it, the more she'll want to see him.

Had my mother accepted my boyfriends (or pretended to), I would have broken up with them LOL they were jerks.

But she didn't. She talked trash, forbid me, etc etc...and the drama went on and on and on...


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## that_girl

golfergirl said:


> PS, my daughter has a friend who is 'only a server', and he makes over $6000 a month with tips. The cheating is a problem but don't judge people on their work, the fact he's working is good.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Heck yea! My friend's husband went BACK to serving because he made more than working in an office (which was correlated to his degree).


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## SandyM

Thanks golfergirl,
I didn't mean to offend or "judge". Believe me, I was once a server, this was a second job when I was single with both my girls. I only meant to state only as in not going to college, only working. 
Your advice only reinforced what I should have known from my own experience. So I guess he will be coming to dinner.


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## SadieBrown

SandyM said:


> Thanks for input, I failed to mention, he isn't a college grad. He started community college but quit and moved from his parents home to live with his sister in another city. He only works as a server in a resteraunt. He smokes, drinks, and doesnt have a car. What struck me wrong from the beginning is he was talking to and seeing my daughter when he had a girlfriend.
> I take it from the advice given, I should still have him over and meet him to see what my daughter sees?


Okay, the age difference is not that extreme. 

But the fact that he quit college, still lives with his sister at 25, smokes (ugh) drinks are cause for concern. I assume he drinks a lot or you wouldn't have mentioned it. The fact that their relationship began with her being 'the other woman' is cause for concern. If he used her to cheat on someone else he may well do the same to her one day. Don't let this guy come between you and your daughter, she may need you one day when reality hits. It is correct that if you try to push her away from him you may end up pushing her towards him even more. 

You can hope that once she gets to college she will meet guys with a little more motivation in life and become more interested in one of them. 

I know how you feel, there is a young (19) year old woman in my family who is engaged to a 26 year old who has never been to college, smokes pot, drinks, and only works at a fast food place. And he has no plans to do anything else. All she can talk about is how much she loves him and he is her 'dream man' We are all upset about it, but what can we do?


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## 827Aug

This guy doesn't sound like a catch by any means. Be supportive of your daughter and encourage her to further her education. She will probably see him for what he is soon enough.


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## magnoliagal

that_girl said:


> The more you deny it, the more she'll want to see him.
> 
> Had my mother accepted my boyfriends (or pretended to), I would have broken up with them LOL they were jerks.


This. My dad went along with whatever loser I happen to choose no matter what. My mom didn't but her opinion didn't matter to me so I didn't care. Plus my dad told her to shut up. 

So I ended up breaking up with them on my own. 

In the end I married a nice, hardworking guy who is ironically my same age. At 18 my guess is nobody thought this was possible. lol I can laugh now but I sure did date some doozies. All fun but definately nobody I should have married.


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## SandyM

Thanks everyone! Dinner is on, IM ready to paint my fake smile on my face the entire night.


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## golfergirl

SandyM said:


> Thanks everyone! Dinner is on, IM ready to paint my fake smile on my face the entire night.


Keep your 'enemies' close. Maybe he's a good guy deep - deep -deep -deep waaaay deep down. It's just easier to 'monitor' when you are your daughter's confidant. Could it be stress moving away from home? Even though they are excited to leave the nest, it is stressful too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNgirl232

My husband is 6 years older than me, so I don't see a problem with the age difference. The fact that he sounds no so stable is where I would see the problem. Hopefully she will get to college and see all the hot college guys and get a new boyfriend


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## RandomDude

I find it ironic that I went through this in-law-hating-me thing yet at the same time having a daughter of my own is making me understand why lol

I wasn't very stable myself when we were bf/gf. It wasn't until the baby bells rang that I got serious with finances. My father-in-law did see the potential in me though my mother-in-law didn't however.

Either way, if I was you, I would follow my gut. I wouldn't judge him because he smokes or drinks or doesn't drive, but for other reasons, whether he has potential as a man, or if he's still a boy. And you're correct - making him 'forbidden' is going to push her to him (That's what happened to the missus and I)

I would just make sure she understands possible consequences of her actions, not to tell her what to do. It's her life now, she's no longer a minor. What I do find sad about Anglo culture however is that the emphasis in relationships is too much about the lovey dovey butterflies yet many women forget to understand the importance of finding a man who can provide and won't be a leech. 

Yet at the same time other old-world cultures in Europe or Asia focus too much on the financial security issue instead of the heart. There has to be a balance somewhere.


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## Runs like Dog

I'm a bit uncomfortable with this. My sister stopped developing in the 5th grade. She dated older guys, much older guys when she was younger. She dated a guy in the Coast Guard when she was in high school. I guess you could say she was kind of a ****. Isn't a 24 year old man kind of taking advantage of an 18 year old? Isn't is just about forcing someone to have to sex with you? Kind of creepy to me.


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## magnoliagal

Runs like Dog said:


> Isn't a 24 year old man kind of taking advantage of an 18 year old? Isn't is just about forcing someone to have to sex with you? Kind of creepy to me.


In hindsight all the older men I dated (when I was under the age of 21) were simply too emotionally messed up to find a woman their own age. And none of them pushed me for sex.


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## that_girl

magnoliagal said:


> In hindsight all the older men I dated (when I was under the age of 21) were simply too emotionally messed up to find a woman their own age. And none of them pushed me for sex.


YES:smthumbup:

I dated a man 13 years older than me (I was 28 at the time) for 3 years.

Wowww....makes sense he would date me at the time. He was soooo immature!

My husband is 7 years younger than me and what a difference between the two.


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