# Wife and New Job



## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

My wife will probably be getting an offer for a new position at a very small company. If so, she will be asked to travel to their headquarters to train for a week. Great right?

Here is my concern. My wife's past has been filled with meeting men and sleeping with them due to low self-esteem, boundary issue's and people pleasing issue's. Although she says she is a strong woman now, she hasn't been put into a situation that would test this. When she talks to other guys, she comes across as easy and quiet frankly could give out that vibe that she would be an easy lay if you played your cards right - as many guys have in the past.

Since this is a small company, I can see the CEO and/or owner asking her to dinner. They are both male. What can I do to remind her what is appropriate and what isn't without her getting upset? Her sister had dinner with her boss on a work trip. Had drinks. He left his room key on the table and said you know where to find me if you are interested. She actually went to his room and they had sex. My wife needs to have rules and boundaries before she goes so she doesn't come back with excuses why she destroyed our marriage.

I think I am OK with her going out to dinner as long as she has her boundaries up and she isn't drinking but she could give me pushback as if I don't "trust" her. Is there anything else I should be worried about knowing her past?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Has she been faithful since you have been together?
It's really up to your wife to set her own boundaries. If you can't trust her then what sort of marriage is that?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think you should be worried, but you knew her character and married her anyway. 

You have a wife who you say gives off an "easy" vibe and you feel you need to remind her about boundaries.

After this trip perhaps marriage counseling. I can't imagine living with this hanging over you.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Has she been faithful since you have been together?
> It's really up to your wife to set her own boundaries. If you can't trust her then what sort of marriage is that?


Other than a quick emotional Facebook fling and her not telling me her friends husband pulled over when driving her home from a party and her asked her to start a romantic relationship with him - I don't think she has.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I think you should be worried, but you knew her character and married her anyway.
> 
> You have a wife who you say gives off an "easy" vibe and you feel you need to remind her about boundaries.
> 
> After this trip perhaps marriage counseling. I can't imagine living with this hanging over you.


I actually found out about her past after we were married. She lied to me about her past (see my previous post for more information). Yes - I think that's why she slept with so many men. She just has this personality about her that makes guys think she likes them more than friends. Then the guy moves in and because of her issue's she goes along with everything.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

what about going with her, but just stay at the hotel and work from there? this way she can go to dinner with the them and if they question about you being there tell them that you have never been to that city and thought you would like to see it.......i hate to say you will be baby sitting her but to be honest you may have to do it for the rest of your married life if you start here....meaning that she may rely on you to chaperone her behavior and the one time you won't she will....is this the kind of marriage you want? has she said she is concern she will cheat...is she that weak that another man could take her in his arms? what does that say about her love for you ?


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> what about going with her, but just stay at the hotel and work from there? this way she can go to dinner with the them and if they question about you being there tell them that you have never been to that city and thought you would like to see it.......i hate to say you will be baby sitting her but to be honest you may have to do it for the rest of your married life if you start here....meaning that she may rely on you to chaperone her behavior and the one time you won't she will....is this the kind of marriage you want? has she said she is concern she will cheat...is she that weak that another man could take her in his arms? what does that say about her love for you ?


Good thought but yes I do not want to babysit her. She should be able to go with work boundaries up and me not worry but I know her and she will do what she wants and yell at me for even being concerned. Not only did her sister cheat, her brother also cheated on several work trips with the same woman. It may be in her DNA. She mostly works with women currently and it's never been an issue.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man but it sounds like your wife is a serial cheater. They usually never stop. Google it and read up. This is what you’ve chosen to stay married to.

Being a marriage warden is a waste of time. They always find a way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trustless Marriage said:


> I actually found out about her past after we were married. She lied to me about her past (see my previous post for more information). Yes - I think that's why she slept with so many men. She just has this personality about her that makes guys think she likes them more than friends. Then the guy moves in and because of her issue's she goes along with everything.


No matter what her issues its still a choice to cheat. You seem to make excuses for her.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Good thought but yes I do not want to babysit her. She should be able to go with work boundaries up and me not worry but I know her and she will do what she wants and yell at me for even being concerned. Not only did her sister cheat, her brother also cheated on several work trips with the same woman. It may be in her DNA. She mostly works with women currently and it's never been an issue.


Cheating isnt in our dna.You are making excuses for her again. Its a choice. She isnt a helpless woman, she choooses to do what she does. My dad and grandad cheated, my brother and I never did. 
You need to have a good general talk about healthy boundaries with the opposite sex.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Just to clarify. Her past with many men was before me. She just went from one guy to the other thinking if she had sex the guy would like her. Absolutely the wrong thought process. But that was coupled with the low self esteem, no boundaries and her need to please anyone and everyone. Not making excuses for her - she knows very well how I feel about all that but it is what it is. 

What I am trying to do now is prevent a snowball affect. It would start off with drinks, she gives off the wrong vibe to her superiors, they start flirting with her and because she doesn't want to look bad and she really wants the job, ends up making a bad decision. She knows if she did, we would be done 100%. But because she has trickle truthed me to death on her past, I'm afraid she will hide it like she hid everything else from me. Her excuse: she knew I would leave her if I found out. I said of course I would leave you but does that give you the right to lie to me? I don't think she would intentionally cheat on me but I think if cornered she would have a hard time saying no.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Talk to her about your fears. Tell her you love her but ask about specific scenarios & how she will handle them. Admit this is you being jealous & worried


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Trustless Marriage said:


> I don't think she would intentionally cheat on me but I think if cornered she would have a hard time saying no.


Cheating is not an accident. You don't trip and fall down and end up with a penis in you. All cheating is intentional.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What can you do???

Find another woman who isn’t like this!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Other than a quick emotional Facebook fling and her not telling me her friends husband pulled over when driving her home from a party and her asked her to start a romantic relationship with him - I don't think she has.


So NO she has not been faithful. 

Why do yo do this to yourself? Is your plan to babysit her forever?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Just to clarify. Her past with many men was before me. She just went from one guy to the other thinking if she had sex the guy would like her. Absolutely the wrong thought process. But that was coupled with the low self esteem, no boundaries and her need to please anyone and everyone. Not making excuses for her - she knows very well how I feel about all that but it is what it is.
> 
> What I am trying to do now is prevent a snowball affect. It would start off with drinks, she gives off the wrong vibe to her superiors, they start flirting with her and because she doesn't want to look bad and she really wants the job, ends up making a bad decision. She knows if she did, we would be done 100%. But because she has trickle truthed me to death on her past, I'm afraid she will hide it like she hid everything else from me. Her excuse: she knew I would leave her if I found out. I said of course I would leave you but does that give you the right to lie to me? I don't think she would intentionally cheat on me but I think if cornered she would have a hard time saying no.


You can’t fix her. Only she could do that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So she already cheated, she had an emotional "fling".

Counseling or termination.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Cheating is not an accident. You don't trip and fall down and end up with a penis in you. All cheating is intentional.


Her excuse in the past has been "I never wanted to have sex with most of those guys but I thought I had to to be wanted". Ya - I never bought that BS either.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Other than a quick emotional Facebook fling and her not telling me her friends husband pulled over when driving her home from a party and her asked her to start a romantic relationship with him - I don't think she has.


Ohhhhhhhh ONLY that! 🙈


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Your wife already cheated on you, she has a hard time saying no, she has you believing the "poor little victim me" charade, and you don't trust her (nor should you). Do we need any more ingredients for this recipe for disaster??

I think not.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I stopped reading at "my wife's past has been FILLED with meeting men and sleeping with them".

And you're still with her and will continue to stay with her. I would ask you why but you made your bed and thus you'll have to deal with her B.S. until the day you one day and wake up and say "NO MORE"!!


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

mike93081 said:


> Is this a joke? Your wife is really that easy? She will sleep with pretty much anybody?
> 
> If this is the case, why are you even with her? If she is this bad, do you honestly think that simply saying no sex with any men during the trip will help??
> 
> It sounds to me that she is extremely unhappy in the marriage. Or more likely, she is a sex addict.


No it's not that. It's a sickness. Let me put it this way. When we broke up for 6 weeks after dating 2 years, she hoped into bed with someone she met at a bar. Had sex 4 times that night and morning. She claimed she didn't want to just like all the other guys lol. No - sorry. You don't sit there and tell me all you thought about was me but then you do something like this and say it was the worst night of your life - even blowing him on demand. She was a full participant.

Put it another way - when our friend pulled over late one night before dropping her off, he asked if she wanted to get something going between them. As a wife, I would have expected her to answer with a solid no. Instead, the first thing out of her mouth was "what about your wife?" as if, depending on how he answered, in his mind he had a chance. That should tell you a lot about her and her people pleasing no boundary low self esteem issues.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

sideways said:


> I stopped reading at "my wife's past has been FILLED with meeting men and sleeping with them".
> 
> And you're still with her and will continue to stay with her. I would ask you why but you made your bed and thus you'll have to deal with her B.S. until the day you one day and wake up and say "NO MORE"!!


Past meaning before me.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I'm not understanding what you're looking to accomplish here. She can never be trusted, she'll cheat on you periodically, and as long as you stay with her you can rinse and repeat.

If you can live with it, then carry on, if not, file for divorce. There aren't any other options she's not going to change.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife will probably be getting an offer for a new position at a very small company. If so, she will be asked to travel to their headquarters to train for a week. Great right?
> 
> Here is my concern. My wife's past has been filled with meeting men and sleeping with them due to low self-esteem, boundary issue's and people pleasing issue's. Although she says she is a strong woman now, she hasn't been put into a situation that would test this. When she talks to other guys, she comes across as easy and quiet frankly could give out that vibe that she would be an easy lay if you played your cards right - as many guys have in the past.
> 
> ...


Why are you putting yourself through this? Why did you stay with a cheater? This is the life you have now chosen. You get to worry and have stress and play detective keeping an eye on her for the rest of your life.

This is what you get for staying with her. Why would you, not only stay with a cheater, but on top of it rationalize that she should take jobs with travel....travel with other men.....going out to lunches and dinners with male workers and act like that is ok?
She should forfeit those "privileges" based on her crimes against you in the past.

Bottom line, you took a cheater back....you are now reaping the consequences of that.

PS - So this "sleeping around" you mentioned about her was all before she met you, not during the marriage?
You may want to edit the wording in your original post. I'm not the only one who thought she'd already cheated on you before. 

PSS - I don't really like the character of your wife based on her past. She doesn't sound like much of a catch. What are you boundaries? Do you want her traveling at all for work? Are you ok with her having dinners with men? I don't go to dinner with my co-workers. Figure out what your boundaries are for marriage and sit down and bluntly talk to her about them and tell her what they are in plain/blunt language. It sounds like dinners with guys should just be a hard NO.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> No it's not that. It's a sickness. Let me put it this way. When we broke up for 6 weeks after dating 2 years, she hoped into bed with someone she met at a bar. Had sex 4 times that night and morning. She claimed she didn't want to just like all the other guys lol. No - sorry. You don't sit there and tell me all you thought about was me but then you do something like this and say it was the worst night of your life - even blowing him on demand. She was a full participant.
> 
> Put it another way - when our friend pulled over late one night before dropping her off, he asked if she wanted to get something going between them. As a wife, I would have expected her to answer with a solid no. Instead, the first thing out of her mouth was "what about your wife?" as if, depending on how he answered, in his mind he had a chance. That should tell you a lot about her and her people pleasing no boundary low self esteem issues.


The big question is why are you still married?

If you want to stay that way and she must go on this trip I would want regular video chats with her when she is not actually working. I would want to see her alone in the hotel and where ever else she is. Heck, I would even want to to leave it up and running all night in the hotel, as if you were actually beside her. From what you describe I would not trust her any time she is out of sight. That is really sad you know. How long have you been married?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Trust is a foundation of any successful marriage and you don't have it.

I'm not sure how to fix this, her past is her past and will not change.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

The guy moves in and she 'just goes along with it'? Is that what she told you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Trustless Marriage said:


> No it's not that. It's a sickness. Let me put it this way. When we broke up for 6 weeks after dating 2 years, she hoped into bed with someone she met at a bar. Had sex 4 times that night and morning. She claimed she didn't want to just like all the other guys lol. No - sorry. You don't sit there and tell me all you thought about was me but then you do something like this and say it was the worst night of your life - even blowing him on demand. She was a full participant.
> 
> Put it another way - when our friend pulled over late one night before dropping her off, he asked if she wanted to get something going between them. As a wife, I would have expected her to answer with a solid no. Instead, the first thing out of her mouth was "what about your wife?" as if, depending on how he answered, in his mind he had a chance. That should tell you a lot about her and her people pleasing no boundary low self esteem issues.


Everyone can find excuses fur bad behaviour and countless women have low self esteem and people pleasing issues.Most dont cheat. It's not an illness, it's her decision to do it. She chooses to have sex with all these men. She chooses to have no boundaries and she chooses to use excuses which you also choose to believe.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Thanks for everyone's comments but this post is going down the wrong path. I was only after suggestions on how to get my wife, who gets easily defensive, to agree on certain rules when alone with other men and to hear from you what would be acceptable and not acceptable to you. She is already flooding me with "these men are so nice, family Christian men" bla bla bla and to me she is already putting down her guard. She said the same thing about the last guy who she ended up sleeping with then claiming she felt like she was raped 4 times. Some people don't learn from their mistakes.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

'When she talks to other guys, she comes across as easy'

In what way? So, you are there when this happens?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Thanks for everyone's comments but this post is going down the wrong path. I was only after suggestions on how to get my wife, who gets easily defensive, to agree on certain rules when alone with other men and to hear from you what would be acceptable and not acceptable to you. She is already flooding me with "these men are so nice, family Christian men" bla bla bla and to me she is already putting down her guard. She said the same thing about the last guy who she ended up sleeping with then claiming she felt like she was raped 4 times. Some people don't learn from their mistakes.


@Trustless Marriage, I feel for you man, this is no way to live, but it's who she is, and you need to start babysitting her since you don't want to rock the boat, I will suggest two options:
1- Go with her.
2- Higher a PI to check on her (you need to know her full schedule) so you don't over pay!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK you are asking the wrong questions here. First of all you need to admit the following:

My wife likes sex and is horny around men.
My wife will sleep with men if she thinks she will not be caught.
My wife knew that her past would catch up with her with regard to you finding out so she told me (you) with the most lame set of excuses possible.
My wife will continue to do this because she has not had any real consequences for this behaviour.
My wife will lie to me at the drop of a hat.
My wife has probably slept with other men since we got together and also since we were married.
My wife is not going to change her lifestyle and "needs/wants" just for me.

When you have said that to yourself enough times (till you believe it) then come back with the right set of questions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When your wife works with men every day, how are you going to trust her then?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Wait a minute,

Your WW lied to you about her past before you got married, this is justification not for a divorce, but for a annulment from a moral standpoint.

Your WW had an emotional affair on facebook which she passed off as a fling.

I guess you can get yearly polygraphs and start spying on her, but that's a lot of work.

At a minimum you should talk with the wife of the guy who wanted to seduce your WW.

Possibly bust the guy to his wife who slept with her sister to send a clear message.

But your gut is already telling you the truth.

If you don't have kids with her this is an easy choice.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Put it another way - when our friend pulled over late one night before dropping her off, he asked if she wanted to get something going between them. As a wife, I would have expected her to answer with a solid no. Instead, the first thing out of her mouth was "what about your wife?" as if, depending on how he answered, in his mind he had a chance. That should tell you a lot about her and her people pleasing no boundary low self esteem issues.


Please tell me you informed this 'friends' wife about this, and then dumped him unceremoniously from your friends circle.

Your main problem regarding your wife apart from what other posters have written is that you are scared of sitting down with her and laying down some proper boundaries. I wouldn't give a monkeys if she would get annoyed about it. If she doesn't like these reasonable boundaries tell her she knows where the door is.

Women don't like weak men and some women will walk all over you if you show you are.
This doesn't involve being mean to her or constantly putting her down, just sticking up for yourself and what's best for your marriage in a calm but determined way.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Thanks for everyone's comments but this post is going down the wrong path. I was only after suggestions on how to get my wife, who gets easily defensive, to agree on certain rules when alone with other men



You can't.
Short of being there and stepping in, she is going to do what she feels like doing.
This trip is a short time away and there is not enough time for the necessary counseling to become effective.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We had a poster many years ago who had a wife somewhat like yours. She was a wanna-be writer IIRC. He was constantly having to “protect” her from predatory males because she had * boundaries and never learned. He preferred to think she was just naive. I (female) think that, up to a point, she greatly enjoyed the attention and knew he would jump in and save her before things went too far. He eventually disappeared from TAM — probably because he wasn’t getting the validation for being a KISA that he wanted — but my guess is that his life continues as it was. Yours is likely to as well.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

a new job that involves travel?
there WILL be lots of opportunities for her to meet new men. 
if she has previously proven she can not resist seducing them....how is this possibly going to work out? Every time she leaves for a trip, you will be wondering if she is getting laid in the hotel room.

Sounds like the marriage was already on shaky grounds, but this might push it over the edge.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

I'd let her get established in her new high paying job.
Then file for divorce and demand maintenance.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

My wife did get and accept the job offer. In a few weeks she leaves for a week of training. I did mention to her about boundaries and about non-alcoholic dinners if alone with a guy. She says she will probably eat with her friend who helped get her the job. Yet, she keeps telling me that the guys at the top are all happily married, good people bla bla bla bla bla I've heard it all before and so has she. If I had a dime for every guy, who was once looked at as a class A dude, who then cheated on his wife I would be a millionaire. She just gives the benefit of the doubt to everyone and that is why she lowers her guard constantly. I love her to death and she is really smart and talented but it amazes me how naïve and ignorant she can be about life itself. We shall see.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife did get and accept the job offer. In a few weeks she leaves for a week of training. I did mention to her about boundaries and about non-alcoholic dinners if alone with a guy. She says she will probably eat with her friend who helped get her the job. Yet, she keeps telling me that the guys at the top are all happily married, good people bla bla bla bla bla I've heard it all before and so has she. If I had a dime for every guy, who was once looked at as a class A dude, who then cheated on his wife I would be a millionaire. She just gives the benefit of the doubt to everyone and that is why she lowers her guard constantly. I love her to death and she is really smart and talented but it amazes me how naïve and ignorant she can be about life itself. We shall see.


Put a tracker app on her phone (like Life360), tell her it's for safety and security, maybe hire PI, because lets face it a "naïve" women like your wife can easily have a ONS!
Don't just hope every thing will be OK, be proactive!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Trustless Marriage said:


> I actually found out about her past after we were married. She lied to me about her past (see my previous post for more information). Yes - I think that's why she slept with so many men. She just has this personality about her that makes guys think she likes them more than friends. Then the guy moves in and because of her issue's she goes along with everything.


Has she received counselling for this?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Trustless Marriage Intelligent but no street smarts. It happens.

Please keep us updated.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife did get and accept the job offer. In a few weeks she leaves for a week of training. I did mention to her about boundaries and about non-alcoholic dinners if alone with a guy. She says she will probably eat with her friend who helped get her the job. Yet, she keeps telling me that the guys at the top are all happily married, good people bla bla bla bla bla I've heard it all before and so has she. If I had a dime for every guy, who was once looked at as a class A dude, who then cheated on his wife I would be a millionaire. She just gives the benefit of the doubt to everyone and that is why she lowers her guard constantly. I love her to death and she is really smart and talented but it amazes me how naïve and ignorant she can be about life itself. We shall see.


This isn’t about the other men. It’s about her and boundaries. Only she can fix that.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Put a tracker app on her phone (like Life360), tell her it's for safety and security, maybe hire PI, because lets face it a "naïve" women like your wife can easily have a ONS!
> Don't just hope every thing will be OK, be proactive!


Yes she is on 360 with me  but that can only give me so much information.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

* Trustless Marriage*

I´m afraid that your marraige, that includes you, is a lost cause.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> Has she received counselling for this?


Lot's. In fact, when we started dating she started to see a counselor about her past to try and understand why she did some of the things she did. When we broke up, she had been seeing this counselor for over 2 years and yet she went BACK to the same person she was and had this ONS. Never told the counselor about it. You would think that after 2 years she would have learned something or at least told the person who was suppose to be helping her what happened. This is why I told her she was either lying to me about not wanting to be with that ONS OR as I suspect she continues to be the same person from her past.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Lot's. In fact, when we started dating she started to see a counselor about her past to try and understand why she did some of the things she did. When we broke up, she had been seeing this counselor for over 2 years and yet she went BACK to the same person she was and had this ONS. Never told the counselor about it. You would think that after 2 years she would have learned something or at least told the person who was suppose to be helping her what happened. This is why I told her she was either lying to me about not wanting to be with that ONS OR as I suspect she continues to be the same person from her past.


Was that ONS before you were married? Has she cheated at all since you've been married?


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Was that ONS before you were married? Has she cheated at all since you've been married?


Yes. She had a somewhat emotional affair on facebook and didn't tell me my friend wanted to have a romantic relationship with her. That's about all I know.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife will probably be getting an offer for a new position at a very small company. If so, she will be asked to travel to their headquarters to train for a week. Great right?
> 
> Here is my concern. My wife's past has been filled with meeting men and sleeping with them due to low self-esteem, boundary issue's and people pleasing issue's. Although she says she is a strong woman now, she hasn't been put into a situation that would test this. When she talks to other guys, she comes across as easy and quiet frankly could give out that vibe that she would be an easy lay if you played your cards right - as many guys have in the past.
> 
> ...


you’ve got a problem and it’s not the job, it’s your wife. If this sleeping with men due to “self esteem issues” has occurred during the marriage in the past, it WILL likely happen again and there’s not much you can do other than what you should have already done which is trade in the lemon for a more reliable model.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

To some people, sex is no more exclusive than baking cookies for someone to be nice. Your wife is in that group. There's nothing you can do to change her, in all likelihood.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m really afraid for the future of mankind 😟


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is a character issue. Your wife is of low character and lacking of any semblance of self control and marital boundaries.

If you insist on remaining married to a woman that has sex with other men when the opportunities present themselves, that is your choice.

But if you do, then you are simply going to have to become resilient to the fact that she is not going to be sexually exclusive with you and that she will be returning home from these trips with other men’s semen dripping out of her. 

This is who and what she is. You can’t change it with words or coming up with the right phrase or the logical argument and in this country you can’t lock her up in the basement. 

So this is on you and what you chose to accept. You either accept that she has sex with other men at will, or you don’t and you move on to see if you can find another woman that is monogamous and faithful. 

There is no cure and no magic pixie dust for transforming other people’s character.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> you’ve got a problem and it’s not the job, it’s your wife. If this sleeping with men due to “self esteem issues” has occurred during the marriage in the past, it WILL likely happen again and there’s not much you can do other than what you should have already done which is trade in the lemon for a more reliable model.


100%

His other problem is he's making excuses for her. Probably afraid to lose her even though that'd be a blessing.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife did get and accept the job offer. In a few weeks she leaves for a week of training. I did mention to her about boundaries and about non-alcoholic dinners if alone with a guy. She says she will probably eat with her friend who helped get her the job. Yet, she keeps telling me that the guys at the top are all happily married, good people bla bla bla bla bla I've heard it all before and so has she. If I had a dime for every guy, who was once looked at as a class A dude, who then cheated on his wife I would be a millionaire. She just gives the benefit of the doubt to everyone and that is why she lowers her guard constantly. I love her to death and she is really smart and talented but it amazes me how naïve and ignorant she can be about life itself. We shall see.





Trustless Marriage said:


> but it amazes me how naïve and ignorant she can be about life itself. We shall see.


Ah my friend but it is YOU who are either naive or just downright delusional. 

She is knows full well what she is doing and has life by the balls. 

It is YOU that is out of touch with reality. 

It is YOU that is trying to delude yourself into believing that your wife isn’t just a garden variety cheating ho. 

She’s not exclusive because she doesn’t want to be and doesn’t have to be. You accept her and make excuses for her infidelity and so she has no reason to not have fun with these guys. 

She is the smart and the wise one. You are the delusional one. 

Your options are continue to keep your head in the sand and remain with a woman who has sex with whoever trips her trigger at the moment (BTW any chance she likes bald guys?)

Or you open your eyes and face the harsh reality that if you want a traditional, monogamous married, she is not the one. 

Both are hard choices, you will have to chose your hard.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Al_Bundy said:


> His other problem is he's making excuses for her.


This^^^^

She doesn’t really have to put any real effort into making excuses or cover stories, he is doing it for her. 

She has it made, I kind of envy her in a way. She can go out and do whatever she wants and he does backflips and deep knee bends to cover up for her and then he bends over backwards to make her happy and make her life as easy as possible. 

He is the 1 in a million. She found the 1 in a million guy that will roll out the red carpet to accommodate her hook up lifestyle and still give her the house and the vacations and watch the kids while she plays.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Staying with someone like this will drive you insane and age you prematurely. Given her history, it's highly possible that something is going to happen during her week of training. If you have the financial means, why not find a PI to follow her during the week? You may just save yourself years of worry by catching her sooner ,rather than later imo.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Ah my friend but it is YOU who are either naive or just downright delusional.
> 
> She is knows full well what she is doing and has life by the balls.
> 
> ...


Huh. You got all that out of what I wrote? Very interesting. 

Since we have been married, I don't have any evidence that she has become physical with anyone. She had what I call an emotional affair with an old friend on Facebook and she has apologized for that. She also apologized for not telling me about our friend who wanted to have a romantic affair with her and he (and his wife) has as well given me a sincere heartfelt apology (he was so wasted that night he got his 3rd DUI so I guess he paid the price). She doesn't go out except for some girls nights out for dinner - women who are all married and post pictures of their night. She isn't looking for anyone and I'm 100% sure of this. However, the issue is if she is put in a situation where she is seduced, flirted with, etc... that is where I feel she would have trouble doing the right thing. When you have low self-esteem, no boundaries and want to please everyone but yourself it's not healthy. She says she is not that person anymore but I see the same behavior just not with other guys.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This^^^^
> 
> She doesn’t really have to put any real effort into making excuses or cover stories, he is doing it for her.
> 
> ...


You couldn't be farther from the truth but I appreciate the laughs - thanks.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Trustless Marriage said:


> She says she is not that person anymore but I see the same behavior just not with other guys.


Difficult situation. Trust or not to trust. Personally, I couldn't live with that sword of Damocles hanging on my head.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Yes. She had a somewhat emotional affair on facebook and didn't tell me my friend wanted to have a romantic relationship with her. That's about all I know.


She must just give off the eff me vibe for a "friend" to pull over and straight up ask to have an affair.

I don't envy your position. It is sad you have to tell your wife, "now honey, don't get eff anyone while you are out." You must really love this woman. If you stick this out you will be suffering from non-stop paranoia. 

Do you really want to go on like this? It seems even counseling hasn't gotten through, I'm not sure what else you can do. She is who she is.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> She isn't looking for anyone and I'm 100% sure of this. However, the issue is if she is put in a situation where she is seduced, flirted with, etc... that is where I feel she would have trouble doing the right thing.


Ok but every single woman old enough to have developed boobies has men flirting with, hitting in and trying to seduce her every day until she dies of old age. It’s simply one of the facts of life. 

Part of becoming an adult woman worthy of being in a relationship is learning to develop the self disciple and skills to deal with the approaches of other men. 

Other cultures cover women head to toe in bedsheets and lock them up in their houses with male relatives and set them on fire or stone them publicly if they talk with other men and guess what?? There is still infidelity there!

So the issue here comes down to her own character and her own values and moral compass because men are always going to try to get in her knickers and they have been since she was roughly 13 years old. 

She’s not naive and she is not unaware of her sexuality. 

If you have concerns of her not “doing the right thing”. Then it is for a reason and because she has a history of not doing the right thing.

If you don’t trust her, it is either because you have some screws loose, or it is because she is not trustworthy. 

Now you may have some screws loose and are just one of those paranoid and pathologically jealous people. 

But from your own descriptions of her history and behaviors, I would say you are concerned for valid reasons.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Beng a marriage warden gets you what? A life of looking over your shoulder.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Thanks for everyone's comments but this post is going down the wrong path. I was only after suggestions on how to get my wife, who gets easily defensive, to agree on certain rules when alone with other men and to hear from you what would be acceptable and not acceptable to you. She is already flooding me with "these men are so nice, family Christian men" bla bla bla and to me she is already putting down her guard. She said the same thing about the last guy who she ended up sleeping with then claiming she felt like she was raped 4 times. Some people don't learn from their mistakes.


So, tell her some rules YOU have:
No drinking AT ALL (since she does so poorly with this in the past).
NO extended dinner/dancing, etc. -- reasonable hours.
whatever else YOU need to have set for her -- honestly her personality makes her seem VERY risky to do this stuff without you around.

Since you have these trust issues, perhaps a PI in the location where they are going?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> So, tell her some rules YOU have:
> No drinking AT ALL (since she does so poorly with this in the past).
> NO extended dinner/dancing, etc. -- reasonable hours.
> whatever else YOU need to have set for her -- honestly her personality makes her seem VERY risky to do this stuff without you around.
> ...


If someone has to explicitly tell their spouse not to have sex with other men and coworkers before going on a business trip............


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The only way you will know if anything happens is if you go and watch. You could also hire a pi to follow her in the evening after training.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

What’s the point of all this? Hotel bars are full of bored people with cocktails, I should know I just spent a couple hours in one. If your wife is one of those people there is a nonzero chance a guy will hit on her. 

If her default response is, “Why not?” well then I think you have a serious problem if it looks anything like the bar I was just in which was full of professionals after a day of conferences.

It’s a weird situation where a married lady is inclined to say yes to any proposition. I wouldn’t be able to deal with that.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Huh. You got all that out of what I wrote? Very interesting.
> 
> Since we have been married, I don't have any evidence that she has become physical with anyone. She had what I call an emotional affair with an old friend on Facebook and she has apologized for that. *She also apologized for not telling me about our friend who wanted to have a romantic affair with her and he (and his wife) has as well given me a sincere heartfelt apology (he was so wasted that night he got his 3rd DUI so I guess he paid the price). * She doesn't go out except for some girls nights out for dinner - women who are all married and post pictures of their night. She isn't looking for anyone and I'm 100% sure of this. However, the issue is if she is put in a situation where she is seduced, flirted with, etc... that is where I feel she would have trouble doing the right thing. When you have low self-esteem, no boundaries and want to please everyone but yourself it's not healthy. She says she is not that person anymore but I see the same behavior just not with other guys.


Wow,
So not only do you have to worry about her boundaries with other men, she also has no problem with jumping in a car with a habitual drunk driver (who is wasted)! 
I'll be honest friend, I'd be terrified with a partner like this. She really needs to grow up fast and get her s**t together.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I can't even believe she wants to work there, already knowing she has a boss who's going to sexually harass her. So yeah, she doesn't sound like she has much sense about those things. But no amount of you monitoring her can keep her out of trouble if that's how she is. About the only thing you can do is create a very obvious presence at her work, but you'll not be able to go on that trip though.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Do you know the hotel and room number she has booked for this business trip? If I lived near you or where the hotel is, I would have happily booked into the hotel and booked the room next to hers for that night /days. I'd even book A table next to them in the bar or restaurant. I hate cheaters, a friend of mine caught an ex of mine (we were engaged), by going to the nightclub when he wouldn't let me go there with him that night. She caught him with some woman who looked like grotbags. Not joking either, she had green hair and even her face was light green, black lipstick and black eyes, dressed in punk gear. This was back in the 80's when we were all punks. He took her back to his parents house while the parents were on holiday and they had sex. My friend told me and I went to his parents and caught them in the act. I was 19 years old at the time. Told her she was welcome to him and dumped him. Do you know anyone you trust 100%, who could book into hotel same time as your wife and they can keep a check on them, without it looking obvious. Someone she has never met. You would have to pay for their room and spend etc. Cheaper than a pi. Maybe they can even talk to them and act like tourists lol. Or get a private investigator which would be most expensive. Could you slip a voice activated recorder into her bag that she has with her all the time, one that maybe looks like a pen and is small, but can be hidden, you don't want her finding it. Shame you can't get voice activated recorders put into their rooms. Could a private investigator do that? The only other option is to go with then and say you need a night away from home anyway, or go in disguise lol. There are many ways on YouTube you can change your looks, face and they show you how to do it. It's amazing how they do it because you look completely different. Also put on a wig and a hat. Then book room next to hers haha. You can text ask her what she is doing, where she is etc, and check yourself to see if she is lying. Sometimes we have to do things we never ever thought we would have to do, but you need peace of mind. If she cheats then you know that's who she is and will never change and divorce her. Going there in disguise might sound too much, but many have caught there partners cheating this way. 

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Do you know the hotel and room number she has booked for this business trip? If I lived near you or where the hotel is, I would have happily booked into the hotel and booked the room next to hers for that night /days. I'd even book A table next to them in the bar or restaurant. I hate cheaters, a friend of mine caught an ex of mine (we were engaged), by going to the nightclub when he wouldn't let me go there with him that night. She caught him with some woman who looked like grotbags. Not joking either, she had green hair and even her face was light green, black lipstick and black eyes, dressed in punk gear. This was back in the 80's when we were all punks. He took her back to his parents house while the parents were on holiday and they had sex. My friend told me and I went to his parents and caught them in the act. I was 19 years old at the time. Told her she was welcome to him and dumped him. Do you know anyone you trust 100%, who could book into hotel same time as your wife and they can keep a check on them, without it looking obvious. Someone she has never met. You would have to pay for their room and spend etc. Cheaper than a pi. Maybe they can even talk to them and act like tourists lol. Or get a private investigator which would be most expensive. Could you slip a voice activated recorder into her bag that she has with her all the time, one that maybe looks like a pen and is small, but can be hidden, you don't want her finding it. Shame you can't get voice activated recorders put into their rooms. Could a private investigator do that? The only other option is to go with then and say you need a night away from home anyway, or go in disguise lol. There are many ways on YouTube you can change your looks, face and they show you how to do it. It's amazing how they do it because you look completely different. Also put on a wig and a hat. Then book room next to hers haha. You can text ask her what she is doing, where she is etc, and check yourself to see if she is lying. Sometimes we have to do things we never ever thought we would have to do, but you need peace of mind. If she cheats then you know that's who she is and will never change and divorce her. Going there in disguise might sound too much, but many have caught there partners cheating this way.
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> ...


Just realised she's going for a week. You should go, but don't let her know and go with the disguise so she won't recognise you haha. Honestly look on YouTube.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

You use the screen name Trustless Marriage. Okay, one of the pillars of marriage is trust. In reality you have no marriage to speak of. You cannot continually monitor her activity, therefore, you are uncomfortable I surmise. Is this any way to live? Why do you stay?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Dude you just can't face reality and make up excuses to justify what you want to believe. Or you accept her explanations. this must be damaging to your head.



Trustless Marriage said:


> No it's not that.* It's a sickness*. Let me put it this way. When we broke up for 6 weeks after dating 2 years, she hoped into bed with someone she met at a bar. Had sex 4 times that night and morning.


First of all -- she's LSE/HD (low self-esteem;high sex drive) like you said. They are drama queens and get upset easily as you stated. The red flags had to be there before you married. You ignored or are pretty dense. This is who this chick is. She makes up excuses for her behavior because she knows you are judgmental and don't approve of her the way she is. She has you on the leash with this "it's a sickness thing". This chick is a jackpot for a guy who wants a hotwife. You have a hotwife but want to turn a LSE into HSE traditional wife. That's like trying to turn iron into gold. Almost impossible. She does what she does because she likes it. Like the encounter described above. There are probably tens of others that you are unaware due to her fear of being judged negatively by you. (these women are very discreet). It turns her on not because she can't help herself. There are lots of women out there like this but hide it due to societal norms. And she knows you can't accept her for the way she is and that you look down on her for it. You are finding out what it's like to enter a marriage with a LSE woman. It's not recommended. You have two choices.



Trustless Marriage said:


> As a wife, *I would have expected her to answer with a solid no*. Instead, the first thing out of her mouth was "what about your wife?"


1) Take charge and get out of life what you want. Find a more appropriate wife based on your values and beliefs (congruence) and divorce, or

2) remain cucked and enter the hotwife lifestyle. (there are guys out there who think this is great.)

It's up to you to wake up to your reality. Or just keep denying. It's your life.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

manowar said:


> Dude you just can't face reality and make up excuses to justify what you want to believe. Or you accept her explanations. this must be damaging to your head.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


100%. I have a couple exes like this (at somewhat different levels, but still the same chick to a layman, pun intended). Low self esteem is a hallmark trait. Heed this sage advice.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

The classic LSE/HD woman is Marilyn Monroe and her relationship w/ Joe DiMaggio. Joe suffered heavily from the Madonna/hoar Complex as do most of the men in our society. This is part of the social conditioning of both men and women. This is why HD women go to great lengths to hide it. They seek out very discreet men as well. Men who get it. Men who won't talk IOW. It affected me until I was able to recognize it and break it. Most of my friends are inflicted by this as well. The truth is many men actually fear the HD _you know what_; that's a big part of why they are shamed and words are used to describe them. (Some of these chicks are trash and deserve it too. Some LSE/LD women are the most conniving and manipulative women on the planet.) A HD woman is well aware of this and goes to great lengths to keep it submerged so that society won't look down at her as being easy. However, times have changed in this modern world. Its not as damaging as it was just 60 years ago.

Joe couldn't get his head around this and it fked up his head until his death 37 years later. Joe made up a fantasy world of what it would be if she lived. Pure make-believe. Joe believed because he was Joe D he was going to turn her into a traditional housewife who doted on him. Lots of nice guys fall into the savior trap. That's a made for tv story. In reality almost impossible. It's just how the woman is wired.


If you are not familiar w/ Joe D - MM, look it up and study it. You might see part of yourself here. It might even aid you in thinking through what you want to do moving forward. you are in a tough spot. Understanding it helps. HSE/HD women exist out there as well. LSE is really difficult to deal with. that's the big difference.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Is this any way to live? Why do you stay?


There are lots of men who don't have it in them to find someone else, or fear they will not find better, or find any one at all, so they stick with the demon they have!
Men who have options and know they can do better they never stick around with such women, they don't even reach to the fiancé/marriage phase!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Trustless Marriage said:


> You couldn't be farther from the truth but I appreciate the laughs - thanks.


You think it's funny!? It's actually a very sad and pathetic situation.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Trustless Marriage said:


> You couldn't be farther from the truth but I appreciate the laughs - thanks.


Some of these responses are way over the top and ridiculous. But keep in mind that a lot of people are on this forum because they were cheated on, divorced their partner, and they think everyone else should do the same at the drop of a hat. 

My own advice would be to keep some minimal tabs, like making as short phone call to her each night - to her room, not her cell phone. I would NOT advise going to the hotel, or booking a room. To her bosses and co-workers, that will look like she has a controlling spouse that can't let her out of his sight, and that's a nightmare for any employer who hires women.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> If someone has to explicitly tell their spouse not to have sex with other men and coworkers before going on a business trip............


He's got a good point!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Theseus said:


> Some of these responses are way over the top and ridiculous. But keep in mind that a lot of people are on this forum because they were cheated on, divorced their partner, and they think everyone else should do the same at the drop of a hat.
> 
> My own advice would be to keep some minimal tabs, like making as short phone call to her each night - to her room, not her cell phone. I would NOT advise going to the hotel, or booking a room. To her bosses and co-workers, that will look like she has a controlling spouse that can't let her out of his sight, and that's a nightmare for any employer who hires women.


i have found that FACE TIME calls are much better. a cell phone voice call is pretty impersonal, but seeing each other's face and expressions means a lot to the communications.
and if you are suspicious, seeing she is alone in her hotel room instead of at some bar after work is a reliever too!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Kaliber said:


> There are lots of men who don't have it in them to find someone else, or fear they will not find better, or find any one at all, so they stick with the demon they have!
> Men who have options and know they can do better they never stick around with such women, they don't even reach to the fiancé/marriage phase!


a man can not tell another how to live.
If someone wants to put up with a wandering wife, for whatever the reason, then that is their decision, and i wish them well.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

@manowar what's IOW?


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

johndoe12299 said:


> @manowar what's IOW?


In Other Words?


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## jjj858 (Jun 18, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife did get and accept the job offer. In a few weeks she leaves for a week of training. I did mention to her about boundaries and about non-alcoholic dinners if alone with a guy. She says she will probably eat with her friend who helped get her the job. Yet, she keeps telling me that the guys at the top are all happily married, good people bla bla bla bla bla I've heard it all before and so has she. If I had a dime for every guy, who was once looked at as a class A dude, who then cheated on his wife I would be a millionaire. She just gives the benefit of the doubt to everyone and that is why she lowers her guard constantly. I love her to death and she is really smart and talented but it amazes me how naïve and ignorant she can be about life itself. We shall see.


I understand where you’re coming from. My wife is currently doing an MBA and wants to get out of her current job (where she essentially works solo with mostly women) to a possible business oriented job. And I’m kind of fearing the same thing. She has said the same kind of stuff before “oh he’s married and a good guy” or “I would never do that”. But she has shown poor boundaries in the past. There were times just before we were dating where she went out with a girlfriend bar hopping and the girlfriend left with some guy and she ended up getting a ride from some rando and even inviting them in her apartment. I could totally imagine her on a business trip getting a few drinks in her and a coworker pushing the envelope and her letting it happen for some bs reason like “I didn’t want to lose my job”, “it just kind of happened”, “he was my boss what was I supposed to do?”.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

jjj858 said:


> I understand where you’re coming from. My wife is currently doing an MBA and wants to get out of her current job (where she essentially works solo with mostly women) to a possible business oriented job. And I’m kind of fearing the same thing. She has said the same kind of stuff before “oh he’s married and a good guy” or “I would never do that”. But she has shown poor boundaries in the past. There were times just before we were dating where she went out with a girlfriend bar hopping and the girlfriend left with some guy and she ended up getting a ride from some rando and even inviting them in her apartment. I could totally imagine her on a business trip getting a few drinks in her and a coworker pushing the envelope and her letting it happen for some bs reason like “I didn’t want to lose my job”, “it just kind of happened”, “he was my boss what was I supposed to do?”.


Yep - sounds familiar. She always has an excuse. When our friend asked if she wanted to have a romantic relationship, her excuse why she didn't tell me was she wanted to tell his wife first before she told me to fend off ruining our couple friendship. After 1 month, do you think she told his wife? Nope. Most wives would have marched over to the wife's house the very next day. Because she didn't do that, what message do you think that sent to the husband? Here is another excuse - my favorite: "I knew you would get mad if I told you". That logic gives her a free pass to do anything. Always an excuse.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Yep - sounds familiar. She always has an excuse. When our friend asked if she wanted to have a romantic relationship, her excuse why she didn't tell me was she wanted to tell his wife first before she told me to fend off ruining our couple friendship. After 1 month, do you think she told his wife? Nope. Most wives would have marched over to the wife's house the very next day. Because she didn't do that, what message do you think that sent to the husband? Here is another excuse - my favorite: "I knew you would get mad if I told you". That logic gives her a free pass to do anything. Always an excuse.


Has your wife gone on the trip yet? Everything going okay?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Yep - sounds familiar. She always has an excuse. When our friend asked if she wanted to have a romantic relationship, her excuse why she didn't tell me was she wanted to tell his wife first before she told me to fend off ruining our couple friendship. After 1 month, do you think she told his wife? Nope. Most wives would have marched over to the wife's house the very next day. Because she didn't do that, what message do you think that sent to the husband? Here is another excuse - my favorite: "I knew you would get mad if I told you". That logic gives her a free pass to do anything. Always an excuse.


YOU should have gone over to the wife with YOUR wife in tow and made her tell her all about it.
BS. She got away with it, and continues to do so....
I sure hope that he isn't your friend anymore.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Has your wife gone on the trip yet? Everything going okay?


In a couple weeks she leaves.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Trustless Marriage said:


> In a couple weeks she leaves.


PI my friend is your best option!


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Hey @Trustless Marriage just curious how is it going? I guess your wife went away for training I hope it went ok.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

Trustless Marriage said:


> "I knew you would get mad if I told you"


"Yes, but now I am even madder, furious actually, because you _didn't_ tell me!!!!!"

(see my signature)


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

HappilyMarried1 said:


> Hey @Trustless Marriage just curious how is it going? I guess your wife went away for training I hope it went ok.



My wife did go to training. Unfortunately (or fortunately) she was never is a situation where she went out with men after work. It was in the office or once for a training lunch. The rest of the time she went out to dinner with her friend or just went back to the hotel to work. After hearing about her week, I have no reason to suspect she is hiding anything. Of course she could and I would never know about it but I don't think that is the case. She will be traveling here and there going forward. She is a huge people pleaser to where she would have sex with you if that's what YOU wanted ( done it many times). It's not IF she messes up it's WHEN.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife did go to training. Unfortunately (or fortunately) she was never is a situation where she went out with men after work. It was in the office or once for a training lunch. The rest of the time she went out to dinner with her friend or just went back to the hotel to work. After hearing about her week, I have no reason to suspect she is hiding anything. Of course she could and I would never know about it but I don't think that is the case. She will be traveling here and there going forward. She is a huge people pleaser to where she would have sex with you if that's what YOU wanted ( done it many times). It's not IF she messes up it's WHEN.


this is no way to live your life, constantly worrying about cheating when she is gone on a business trip...given her history, i am not sure i could stay married to her...and frankly i'm not sure it can be any fun for her dealing with your concerns. is she willing to find a job that removes from this potential ordeal..


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> It's not IF she messes up it's WHEN.


Well, if you are certain of your above statement, then what the hell are you doing in a relationship with her? waiting for sloppy seconds?


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife did go to training. Unfortunately (or fortunately) she was never is a situation where she went out with men after work. It was in the office or once for a training lunch. The rest of the time she went out to dinner with her friend or just went back to the hotel to work. After hearing about her week, I have no reason to suspect she is hiding anything. Of course she could and I would never know about it but I don't think that is the case. She will be traveling here and there going forward. She is a huge people pleaser to where she would have sex with you if that's what YOU wanted ( done it many times). It's not IF she messes up it's WHEN.


I am sorry I did not realize it was that bad I thought from your orginial post you were worried based on a single incident a few years ago. If she is continuing this behavior then you will just have to decide what you want going forward. Best of luck! One thing if this new job pays well you might not have to pay alimony if you decide to divorce.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Well, if you are certain of your above statement, then what the hell are you doing in a relationship with her? waiting for sloppy seconds?


Waiting? I believe I probably already got them when we got back together soon after she had sex with a stranger 4 times during a sleepover. Ya - not fun thinking about it. She is such a sick people pleaser that she would do such a nasty thing and yet the "love of her life" she says nothing knowing what I was walking into. I always said to her she cares more about guys who take advantage of her than nice guys like me. I've read where some women like to be man handled and not admit it. She might be one of them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> YNWA


Uh, not YNWA.

More powerful is YAHWEH, different acronym, same outcome.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Waiting? I believe I probably already got them when we got back together soon after she had sex with a stranger 4 times during a sleepover. Ya - not fun thinking about it. She is such a sick people pleaser that she would do such a nasty thing and yet the "love of her life" she says nothing knowing what I was walking into. I always said to her she cares more about guys who take advantage of her than nice guys like me. I've read where some women like to be man handled and not admit it. She might be one of them.


That might be ,but still if your statement about no if, but when is your assessment of her then why are you still with her? why?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Waiting? I believe I probably already got them when we got back together soon after she had sex with a stranger 4 times during a sleepover. Ya - not fun thinking about it. She is such a sick people pleaser that she would do such a nasty thing and yet the "love of her life" she says nothing knowing what I was walking into. I always said to her she cares more about guys who take advantage of her than nice guys like me. I've read where some women like to be man handled and not admit it. She might be one of them.


Is she in therapy at all to discuss her problems with saying no? 

look if this what you can expect and you in tend to stay in this marriage...i suggest that you make any work trips she finds herself having sex with someone you should tell her that you will be having your own hall passes so she understand that consequences of her actions...and actually leave her nights when stays home wondering where you are?


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Is she in therapy at all to discuss her problems with saying no?
> 
> look if this what you can expect and you in tend to stay in this marriage...i suggest that you make any work trips she finds herself having sex with someone you should tell her that you will be having your own hall passes so she understand that consequences of her actions...and actually leave her nights when stays home wondering where you are?


Been there done that. Many sessions with different people. She doesn't think she has a problem anymore although she admits that in the past she had a huge people pleasing issue with no boundaries coupled with low self esteem with a dab of bipolar. I say she just hasn't been put in a situation where she has been tested. However, I see it all of the time in different scenarios - nothing to do with men and sex - but she exhibits the same issues with her friends. Her friends ask her to do something she doesn't want to, maybe sometimes she says no but at the end of the day she feels bad and does what they want. She wants to please them and not hurt them. I tell this to her and I say what would prevent you from doing the same thing with guys? "I'm not the same person I used to be!" she responds. But if she really wanted to get better she would have told her counselor, that she had been seeing for 2 years she claims for this very same issue, about her having sex with a stranger 4 times that night. But she didn't. She said NOTHING to him. That has always led me to believe she WANTED to be with this guy and everything she has told me about not wanting him was a lie.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> That might be ,but still if your statement about no if, but when is your assessment of her then why are you still with her? why?


I invested enough into this relationship where I still think it's viable to keep going.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Trustless Marriage said:


> I invested enough into this relationship where I still think it's viable to keep going.


Are you familiar with the sunk cost fallacy?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> Been there done that. Many sessions with different people. She doesn't think she has a problem anymore although she admits that in the past she had a huge people pleasing issue with no boundaries coupled with low self esteem with a dab of bipolar. I say she just hasn't been put in a situation where she has been tested. However, I see it all of the time in different scenarios - nothing to do with men and sex - but she exhibits the same issues with her friends. Her friends ask her to do something she doesn't want to, maybe sometimes she says no but at the end of the day she feels bad and does what they want. She wants to please them and not hurt them. I tell this to her and I say what would prevent you from doing the same thing with guys? "I'm not the same person I used to be!" she responds. But if she really wanted to get better she would have told her counselor, that she had been seeing for 2 years she claims for this very same issue, about her having sex with a stranger 4 times that night. But she didn't. She said NOTHING to him. That has always led me to believe she WANTED to be with this guy and everything she has told me about not wanting him was a lie.


Maybe this is a messed up way to think about things, but have you used her people pleasing desires to you advantage? If she is will to do so much to please others, does she do the same for you?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Trustless Marriage said:


> She is a huge people pleaser to where she would have sex with you if that's what YOU wanted ( done it many times). It's not IF she messes up it's WHEN.


If this is how you view her, then it’s not fair to either of you to remain in this marriage. 

It’s not fair to you to be her vagina police and it’s not fair to her to be viewed as a ho by her husband. 

If there’s no trust and no mutual respect and honor for each other, then what is the point?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> If this is how you view her, then it’s not fair to either of you to remain in this marriage.
> 
> It’s not fair to you to be her vagina police and it’s not fair to her to be viewed as a ho by her husband.
> 
> If there’s no trust and no mutual respect and honor for each other, then what is the point?


True.
The only thing worst than not feeling them is having no enough reasons to feel them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Trustless Marriage said:


> I invested enough into this relationship where I still think it's viable to keep going.


the problem with investing is that most investor's don't know when to get out of a bad investment....at some point you have to stop blaming her and start blaming yourself for knowing who she is and what she will do. 

I think you need to reread the tale about the scorpion and the frog 

A scorpion wants to cross a river but cannot swim, so it asks a frog to carry it across. The frog hesitates, afraid that the scorpion might sting it, but the scorpion argues that if it did that, they would both drown. The frog considers this argument sensible and agrees to transport the scorpion. The frog lets the scorpion climb on its back and begins to swim. Midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog anyway, dooming them both. The dying frog asks the scorpion why it stung despite knowing the consequence, to which the scorpion replies: "I couldn't help it. It's in my nature.


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## Killi (May 12, 2021)

Trustless Marriage said:


> When you have low self-esteem, no boundaries and want to please everyone but yourself it's not healthy


Why would you stay married to a person that lacks core values needed for a healthy marriage?


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Did she actually cheat on you or did this all happen before you got together?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Trustless Marriage:
I read some of your threads, including about your wife lying to you about how wild she was/is.

She sure seems like a whole lot more trouble than she is worth. But guess you have gotten used to wrangling the wild filly. You know what the future holds for you with her. Trying to beat the flies off of the horses butt 24/7. Most men couldnt live that way, guess you are unusual.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you the guy in love with his friend? IF not my apologies.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Zombie thread


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Trustless Marriage said:


> My wife will probably be getting an offer for a new position at a very small company. If so, she will be asked to travel to their headquarters to train for a week. Great right?
> 
> Here is my concern. My wife's past has been filled with meeting men and sleeping with them due to low self-esteem, boundary issue's and people pleasing issue's. Although she says she is a strong woman now, she hasn't been put into a situation that would test this. When she talks to other guys, she comes across as easy and quiet frankly could give out that vibe that she would be an easy lay if you played your cards right - as many guys have in the past.
> 
> ...


No good. Force divorce.


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