# I can't get "over it" . His cheating causes depression



## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

hello forum,

i am writing here because i don't know how to go any further in my marriage life.

we moved to the U.S. two months ago. my husband was stationed in germany. 

currently i am pregnant, it was a big surprise.

we both are 41 years old. i brought children with me from previous relationship. the children calls him daddy and loves him deeply. 

they love their new home. 

it was nov/dec 2014 when i found out that my husband was cheating. RIGHT AFTER our beautiful wedding. i know there is so much more in the dark. he also cheated on me when he was on a business trip in november 2014. 

we went to a counseling. we read books. did it help? just shortly. my pain seems to grow. i get angry out of the blue. there is no trust. i check his email and private things all the time (well, not anymore, i got tired of it). some days are great...it feels like i can move on and enjoy the marriage, but then again....i wake up , look at his face and behavior and i just want to flee. in my book he destroyed our marriage, my love, my trust, my peace, my joy. i wont get it back ever. i wonder 5 days in a week if i should really stay married. i read many times that the cheater often cheat again NO MATTER what he said or promised. the whole ****** ******* story is so discouraged . it seems no man can be faithful NO MATTER what the woman does. 

i don't know what to do. should we live just like roommates in the house until the kids are older? is this a solution? 

i am so depressed and lonely. i need help, but where do i get help? 

:crying:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Sorry for what you're going through. I know the feeling of wondering if you'll ever be happy again. Do you have the means to make it on your own? If so I wouldn't stay just for the kids. If their Mom isn't happy they won't be happy either. It's better to be from a broken home than to live in one. Your leaving don't have to be permanent, But it will let him know what you will not tolerate. If he wants to save the marriage he will have to do the work to make it right. Go with your gut & do what you feel you need to do for yourself. Good Luck to you.


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## Am sammy 3 (Aug 10, 2015)

OP, 

I would advise you to look at the past to predict your future with this man. He has shown you who he is. Believe him ! Your kids will be better off in a healing house than a broken house. 

Why protect him towards the kids? Its his job to do that. He's the one who changed things, not you. Even saying you dont want to hurt the kids, you are doing it for him. 

Im 4 years out and sure wish I had done things so differently... 

~sammy


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think what you are experiencing would be a normal reaction to everything your husband has done. It's like you are suffering from cheating "PTSD". And you are pregnant. So with all your hormones and you are in a very vulnerable situation now, all of your insecurities are raising their ugly heads.

While you are looking to flee, I would want to punch is asx.

Mama, this is no way to live. You have to either put this behind you or make an exit plan. All this angry, is not good for you. Talk to family and friends, get your support team behind you. Don't be ashamed or afraid to share your story.

I know you said you guys had some MC, maybe, it time to see someone new. Just for you, where you can vent and be angry in a safe space. 

If anyone told you, you are going to trust 110% like before, they are lying. Trust is going to take a long, long time to come again. And it will probably never be the same. That being said, if you guys can make it thru this, it can be stronger and better than before.

You need some therapy for yourself now, later you can invite your husband.

Don't think of living in a marriage just for the kids. It does more harm for the kids to see mum and dad in a cold and lifeless marriage. It will break your spirit and waste your time.

For now take a walk. Get out of the house. Listen to some nice uplifting music. And blab to anyone who will listen. Keep posting, let us know how you are doing.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry you are here. You have the added complication of moving to a new location and all the stress that comes with it.

Your WH is not marriage material at all. He does not respect you either. You need to start emotionally detaching from him and saving yourself, because he will hurt you again and again. He is a serial cheater.
How old are your children?

Do the 180 on him to emotionally detach
Get IC for yourself so that you can become stronger for yourself and your kids and your soon to be born baby.
Try and join a support group at church, locality where you meet other women, do things with them, etc. This is also important if you have just relocated.
Talk to a lawyer to see what your options are. If you are an army family then you have special rights I believe (others on this site would know more)

if you continue with the status quo it will kill you. Your WH needs to know the damage he has done. You must begin to forge a life for yourself, consider getting a job, more skills, education, etc. Establish your independence, so that it will be easier to leave when the time is right.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I generally subscribe to the theory that when someone betrays you, they need to go- if only for a couple of months. 

The reason why is that *genuine* faith and trust are now gone forever. It is always possible a fake type can take its place, but so what. 

So what you need is time alone. Time to think this through without being manipulated by your spouse or pressured in any way. It's also a good test for him to see what he really wants in life, because for now it isn't you. You need to take time for you- what you want to do with your life and how to make a life for yourself and to what extent, if any, he will be a part of. Betrayal removes the "us" and makes it "you". 

So if at all possible, either he goes or you do and then see what you need for you.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

Thank you everybody. I didn't know I got responses here.
I am doing not good. We do not talk to each other. Is my choice. I am so bitter and hurt.

Truly thougt I can forgive him and move on but this is so not happening. Opposite is the case. 
I still do my duties as wife but I am so hurt.

to be honest...I am so depressed that I go nowhere but to church. I am not leaving the house. I just want to sleep and figure it out.

back then around december/january 2014/15 I asked him to see an addiction therapist beside our chaplain. But he wouldn't go.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

If he is not remorseful and doesn't want to change. He won't. So, accept that up front. Ignoring that fact won't change it.

Your depression will remain until you take control of your situation. Do you work? Can you afford a place on your own? Do you have family you can move back to? If you stay and play the wife while he continues to prowl around, it will drive you crazy. And is that the message you want to send to your kids? That a man behaves like that and it's okay?

Other than the cheating and lying, does he otherwise treat you and the kids well? Or is he moody and angry? If he is an angry man, you best move out or kick him out as soon as you can. If he is otherwise kind, look up the 180. Learn it, and live it. You'll be happier in the end.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

.............


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

SA2015 said:


> Acoa, yes he is sorry. He opened up all his "private stuff" to me...we set an universal password for all our accounts
> 
> he want me to get over it.
> I tried but I can't.
> ...



His remorse is a good sign, but it doesn't fix it. Trust is difficult to build and easy to destroy. 

It's going to take time, and consistently trustworthy behavior on his part. Even with that it could be years until things are better. I'll let those who have had successfully R comment on that. 

And he shouldn't ask you to get over it. That's not how it works. You were wounded, and that wound takes the time it takes to heal. He can help by not reopening it. And by accepting you desire to spy and angry/ depressed outbursts. 

A good MC can help you process things and may speed healing. But many just want to rug sweep, so choose wisely.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing you need to do is ask your doctor for a recommendation for a psychologist. They are professionals who only want to help you find your way to being happy again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SA2015 said:


> Thank you everybody. I didn't know I got responses here.
> I am doing not good. We do not talk to each other. Is my choice. I am so bitter and hurt.
> 
> Truly thougt I can forgive him and move on but this is so not happening. Opposite is the case.
> ...


Why an addiction counselor? Is he taking illegal drugs?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SA2015 said:


> Acoa, yes he is sorry. He opened up all his "private stuff" to me...we set an universal password for all our accounts, phone is unlocked. He deleted some emailaccounts, messengers and every female contact. He installed life180 so I can check where he is.
> 
> sounds great , but it doesn't take my hurt.
> he was so sneaky before...he could have aneemail account that I don't know off or just delete stuff before coming home.
> ...


You might want to try the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It's much more thorough than the 4 languages book. The purpose of it is to affair proof a marriage.

It takes the betrayed spouse 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. You feel about the way most BS's do at this point. 

Another good book is "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful"


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SA2015 said:


> Acoa, yes he is sorry. He opened up all his "private stuff" to me...we set an universal password for all our accounts, phone is unlocked. He deleted some emailaccounts, messengers and every female contact. He installed life180 so I can check where he is.
> 
> sounds great , but it doesn't take my hurt.
> he was so sneaky before...he could have aneemail account that I don't know off or just delete stuff before coming home.
> ...


So what?

He can have 50 email accounts you'll never know about.

He can have a burner phone you'll never know about.

He can have a used $30 tablet you'll never know about.

You're forced to trust someone you can never trust again. 

How?

Answer- you don't.

If you're going to continue to live together, you need to develop your own life and simply give him up to his women. Make some friends, get out... live your own life.

But what about him?

Here's the deal... if he is the 1% that really and truly turns himself around let him prove it in his way. Let him understand he has lost a part of you he will never get back and still love you and be faithful. It will show. He does that for himself. He will have to settle for whatever part of you he can have. otherwise he's just one of the 99%.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

........


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

thatbpguy said:


> So what?
> 
> He can have 50 email accounts you'll never know about.
> 
> ...


this is exactly the point... he can continue and i will not even recognize it. i am so afraid of this. 

how i am able to tell the difference between he is just hiding it better or he is that 1% ? how can i tell? i am so confused by now that i can't even trust my guts anymore?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SA2015 said:


> he did it before our marriage with his EXs too.


He's a serial cheat. He'll NEVER stay faithful to you. You have two choices: Dump him now or accept an open relationship. He will cheat on you again. The question you need to ask yourself is do you want to be around when it happens again?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

SA2015 said:


> how i am able to tell the difference between he is just hiding it better or he is that 1% ? how can i tell?


Then just go with odds. You have a 99% chance of him being a scumbag. Sounds like a pretty safe bet to me.... take it.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

BetrayedDad said:


> Then just go with odds. You have a 99% chance of him being a scumbag. Sounds like a pretty safe bet to me.... take it.



:crying:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SA2015 said:


> i can not waste money now for a therapy.. we have to be careful already since we bought the house.


Nonsense. You're in America. You can find FREE treatment if you look hard enough. And many agencies charge you according to your ability to pay. Get off the couch and start making phone calls.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I feel horrible for your situation so many of is have been there. My STBX also cheated on me when I was pregnant with our third child. 

Sounds like you have checked out of the marriage but are staying cause you feel trapped and have nowhere to go. You are right that is no way to live. You can't live like you are in a prison. You need to make a plan to move on. Might not be today but maybe in a few months? It seems hopeless but millions of women do it and it won't be easy but a house can be sold and money can work itself out.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

............


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SA 2015, you and only you can change your circumstances. We can give you all the advice in the world but if you do not put it into action, nothing will change.

The hurt is something you have to work through (that is why an IC would be useful), it will take time as the one person that you thought you could trust, let you down in a major. One of the easiest ways to sooth the pain is remember that you WH is a very flawed human being. We are all flawed, some more than others and we hurt the people we love.
as Turnera pointed out you may be able to get free therapy or counselling, I know churches often have free counsellors to help and are non denominational in their approach, it is worth having a look.

Trust is lost for now but it can be built back up again over a period of time provided he changes. He has agreed to be an open book, so that is a very good start. However, you have to tell him you need time, this is not something you can get over quickly. He needs to recognize this and be ready to deal with the triggers, the questions, the swings in your mood. Check out the AFFAIRCARE website for the things he should be considering for you as the loyal spouse. However, tread carefully, your WH sounds like a serial cheater.


I think one of the things that bothers you is that you feel trapped as he did this to you and you don’t seem to have a way out. Now, is as good a time as any to change the power in the marriage. Start working on yourself, do something for yourself (join a class, a gym, a club, etc, you don't need lots of money to do any of these), work part time and go from there. Once you become less dependent on him, you will feel less trapped and hopeless and realise you have options. Leave the marriage aside for the time being and focus on what you need to do to get to this place of independence. 

You can use the 180 to emotionally detach. This does not mean give him the silent treatment, you can play the good mother, wife role etc whilst slowly working on your own self and building up your own life, it will be worth it in the end. Your WH may be impressed with the new you and see what he is about to lose and if not (he continues his cheating ways) then you can go it alone.

Get yourself to a doctor to ensure you do not have an STD.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is nobody who can do this for you, ok? It has to be you making the first step. You are in a deep depression and you need professional treatment. Please talk to your doctor about it - you are seeing a doctor for your pregnancy, right? Tell him at your next appointment. He will get you the help you need.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

I know I have to do the steps by myself.
but first I have to talk again. I don't know if I can do this tonight. No clue. It's awkward now.
he will not understand.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> The first thing you need to do is ask your doctor for a recommendation for a psychologist. They are professionals who only want to help you find your way to being happy again.


:iagree:

Talking Therapy -there are several types- will be of potential benefit.

He needs therapy, too.

By the way, has he cheated before in previous relationships?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SA2015 said:


> but first I have to talk again.


To whom? Your husband? Why?

Don't talk if you don't want to. 

Worry about yourself and your baby. He can go suck eggs. 

Focus on talking to your doctor. Tomorrow. They WANT to know if you're not ok, so call him.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

.......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SA2015 said:


> I know I have to do the steps by myself.
> but first I have to talk again. I don't know if I can do this tonight. No clue. It's awkward now.
> he will not understand.


Here is something that might help. I know that you are hurting very badly, going through huge mood swings, triggering (as you did with the think you read online.) I've been through being the betrayed spouse too. Some days you just feel like you cannot make it through the day. 

You say that you cannot talk right now. So here is something for you to read and for you to give to your husband. Print it out and give it to him. These are things that he needs to know so that he can now help you heal. If he's willing to take all this to heart and do it, then you two have a chance... or at least if you split up, it can be less traumatic for you.


(Originally Posted by chapparal)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.*

*YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.*

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after.

*THE FACT IS:* Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

*THE SIMPLE ANSWERS ARE:* Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

*BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF:* If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts: 

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.
Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.
You can be a positive influence on their recovery.
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn. Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.

Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

*MOST IMPORTANTLY, REMEMBER AT ALL TIMES:* Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

*SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS *

*DISBELIEF:* They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

*SHOCK:* They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

*REALITY:* “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

*CONFUSION:* They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

*PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS:* They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. 

Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

*CRYING:* Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

*SELF-CONTROL:* They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

*NEED TO KNOW:* They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

*WHY:* They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

*INJUSTICE:* They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”

Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

*SAD TRUTH OF INFIDELITY:* It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

*INADEQUACY:* Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

*REPEATING:* Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

*IDEALIZING:* Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

*FRUSTRATION:* Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

*BITTERNESS:* Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

*WAITING:* The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

*EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT:* This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

*TRIGGERS:* Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

*SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?*

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means *NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER. *

*GET INTO THERAPY:* Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. 

*TALK ABOUT IT:* If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

*APOLOGIZE:* Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

*REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER:* There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

*HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING:* While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

*SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM:* Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

*PHYSICAL CONTACT:* They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

*SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME:* If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

*LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT:* You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

*HERE’S A GREAT TIP:* You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components: 

A statement of gratitude.
An expression of your love.
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.
An admission that you caused their pain.
An expression of your sense of shame.
A promise that it will never happen again
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

*SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?*

*HOPE:* They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care for others.

*COMMITMENT:* They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

*SEEKING:* They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They begin exploring new involvements.

*PEACE:* They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

*LIFE OPENS UP:* Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

*FORGIVENESS:* While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SA2015 said:


> EleGirl, well, the way how he cheated on me looks like an addiction to me. he did it before our marriage with his EXs too. he told the chaplain that I wasn't the problem. he seemed to be relieved when everything came out. but until today...i am sure there was more and that he cheated on me until we left germany to come the U.S. why i believe that? his appetite for making love grew since we are here. before that he didn't show interest sometimes for weeks?! but i could not proof it ...if he cheated on me then it was right at work. i guess.


His sexual with you was lower before because he was getting sex elsewhere. Many people have sex drives where they want sex at least daily, or at least several times a week. This is not abnormal. It’s a healthy sex drive.

It’s more likely that it’s a character flaw. Did his father cheat? Is cheating pretty wide spread in his military unit? A lot of men I know who are serial cheaters are taught by their fathers and males who are around them growing up that there is nothing wrong with cheating. That all men cheat. It’s a man’s right. What their wife does not know will not hurt her. Then they get caught cheating by their wife and they realize what a horrible thing they have done.. that the lessons they were taught are wrong.

There is a chance that your husband is one of these guys. The realization of the harm he’s done and that he can lose you might just be what he needed to be scared “straight”.

If you two can get into counseling, he can evaluated for a sexual addiction. But it’s not very likely that this is the issue.


SA2015 said:


> i also had often an infection which i was able to get under control with medicine from the pharmacy...these infections stopped here in the U.S. ...it seems he has no opportunity to cheat on me here or that person is missing. but like i said...i can't proof it. maybe i am completely nuts by now.


Have you been to a doctor to be tested for STD’s? You need to do this because over the counter meds can mask STD’s. Since you apparently never got tested, you have no way to know if he gave you STD’s. Please go see a doctor to get tested for STDs.


SA2015 said:


> yes, he is trying to get things right, but i feel the way is not enough. he is so much worried about his physical appearance but not his spiritual shape. when he go to work...he gets ready in the morning like he is going on a date ....
> 
> now i can't complain that he takes care of himself very good...i would look crazy if i would complain about this....but is just this insecure feeling that i have. i see signs all the time. it drives me crazy and makes me so depressive. i feel like an idiot. i am suffering.


It sounds like he cannot do anything right in your eyes at this time. I get it. Things are so raw right now for you. I’m sure you see all kinds of wrong in every move he makes, every word he speaks.

Be kind to yourself. Don’t worry much about him right now. Worry about you. Do things for yourself. Take care of yourself. Do not focus on him.



SA2015 said:


> i can not waste money now for a therapy.. we have to be careful already since we bought the house. the situation is really tight and uncomfortable. we do not fight or yell at each other. i am silent.


Search online for support groups in your area. There should be some for women who are in crisis as you are. Maybe you could go to one of those. They can be very helpful. Also look for organizations that give support and counseling for victims of domestic abuse. I think that you could qualify for a place like that. They often give free or very low cost counseling and support groups.



SA2015 said:


> why do i give him the silence treatment since last saturday?
> 
> our day started off so nice...we did good like 5 days...we had great s** , everything was ok, i was ok so far...we wanted to get things done that day, wanted to go shopping. so i opened up my laptop and read the article about this christian guy who got caught as a ****** ******* member. his wife was pregnant. MY DAY WAS OVER! MY MOOD dropped from good to heavily depressed.
> 
> ...


We call the kind of reaction you had from that article a ‘trigger’. It’s a very normal reaction to anything that reminds you of your husband’s affairs. Keep in mind that just because a person says that they are a Christian does not mean that they actually live their lives as a Christian. Sometimes is just means that they are hiding behind the mask of ‘Christian’ so that they can feel better about themselves.



SA2015 said:


> he leave me alone since then. he get out of my way. he tried to be nice on monday....bought grocery ...a lot things for me which he know i love these things. all i could say was a "thank you"...i couldn't even look at him.
> 
> what life is that? is better to make an emotional cut and one day if things are financial settled, we can go our ways.
> 
> thats my idea so far. i didn't delivered my idea to my husband yet.


Your feelings and reactions are very raw right now. It sounds like your emotions are swinging all over the place. Don’t make any rash decisions right now. Give yourself time.. it might take months before you start to get on an even keel emotionally.. 6 months to a year.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SA2015 said:


> @mattmatt, yes he did. He told our counselor that I wasn't the problem.
> 
> well I need to start talking to him in order to explain that I want physical separation.


Or...

You could just leave.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

.........


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## Am sammy 3 (Aug 10, 2015)

SA, 

Im 4 years out from my hubs affair. It took me two years before my emotions even settled down that I could even deal with life. I went into a very, very deep depression, and a very dangerous place. I was totally shocked to learn of my hubs affair as it was something no one would had ever guessed of him. I just knew things just didnt seems not right with him . 

There isnt a day that I dont think about it. Its not like what you are experiencing right now as you are just starting this horrible ride. There is so much you and your hubby will go thur before you will really even know what is the best for you. 

I separated from my hub 6-7 months after. I asked him to leave, as I couldnt even stand looking at him with out my rage flaring to the most distructive behavior possible. I am completly shameful now when I look back at how much I suffered for all that time, and what it did to me, but mostly what kind of a person it brought out in me. It took a long time to heal from just the anger and rage alone. 

Get help from your dr. dont let the depression get out of hand. Google your area for separation and D meet up events for support of the affair. Look for a women group to join. 

I too havent worked, am completely dependent on my hubs. Mine did the same and still does as yours, brings me flowers, takes me to dinner, begs me to put the past behind me. I was married almost 30 yrs, and I am at the same point, of do I keep the marriage or not. How will this ever be the same . My love now is so different, as so the trust. Even when he walks the dog, or goes to the store, I dont trust that he isnt talking with someone. The joy of our marriage is gone. 

Im sorry you are here, but its you that you need to focus on. Dont be afraid to protect yourself. 
There is a lot of good advise here, a lot I wish I had taken...

My IC told me I could just hang in there and not decide anything until I was ready too, ((after I finally got the help I needed)) not to be pressured to "get over it." Sadly, you may just not, but it wont be as painful as it is to you now. I can promise you, even if it doesnt feel like it now. 

You arent in this mess alone. You have people here who care.

~sammy


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

hi sammy, thank you for your response.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remind me: Are you seeing a therapist on a regular basis? Do you have the passwords to all his electronics? Do you check them from time to time? Check the phone records occasionally? Is he no longer in contact with the OW?


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

hi turnera,

i didn't find a therapist yet. still looking.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

OW stands for other woman.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

Oh ok. Thanks.
no there is not contact to other women as far as I can see....


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

.......


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

l9kiware attachment tamer isn't a texting tool. Just helps with email attachments on OS. It recently went through a major overhaul and maybe why it's popping up now. I've never used it and can't comment on if the flaky behavior you are seeing with it is normal or not.

The window that said 'get textmessage from web..' is not related to attachment tamer. That one warrants more investigation.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

Thank you for your response.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've just watched my H deal with computer issues backwards and forwards this week - things disappear, things show up, it's madness, and we have no way of getting a handle on it all. I'm considering going back to get a second degree just so I can understand all this crap that keeps happening on all our computers and phones.


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## SA2015 (Aug 25, 2015)

turnera, i would like to find out if he supposedly restored all these emails. i tried to install a keylogger on his pc but is not working. everything gets blocked by the MAC PC. 

of course i could ask him but in the end i am always the over reacting fool.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

SA, make an appt. and go see his commanding officer and explain your situation. I was a commander 5 times and your situation, I hate to say, was common. I had to deal with everything from wife beating, fraternization, adultery, lockouts, etc. One guy even kicked his wife out, changed the locks, and moved his GF in, who was another service member. Big Mistake!

The commander can remind the soldier that adultery is still a chargeable offense under the UCMJ. Also if the situation warrants it, you can have him removed from the residence and stuck back in the barracks. He will still have to pay support and you can stay until the situation is resolved. The chaplain can also help with this situation. Good luck and thanks for your service!


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