# Husband is on grindr



## Ladywolfzzz

Hi, before i start I would like to apologize for any mistakes i may make since English is not my mother tongue.

For about 6 months i have had suspicions about my husband strange behavior. He was distant, almost like a zombie, guarded his phone like a bulldog and spent ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom. 
One day i found out he has been making a lot of gay jokes with his friends and I confronted him if he is gay. His reaction was way overly angry. 
For 6 months i just couldn't shake this feeling that he is hiding something and is cheating on me. But he made me feel like i am a crazy paranoid woman and he seemed very hurt that I didn't trust him.
He changed his phone with a new phone that has fingerprint security. I purposely let him let down his guard by thinking there is no way I could open his phone. But i am a little bit of a hacker and yesterday I managed to open his phone.
I was shocked to find he has grindr installed and was flirting with many gay men, even exchanging naked pictures. He also asked them if he could meet them. All his last conversations date were 2 days ago. 
Our marriage was in a roller coaster before because he said I didn't trust him. Although he wanted me to believe that i am crazy but I believe in my intuition and observation. I believe my mind is clear and my intelligence is dependable. So I continued to probe him and yesterday at last he admitted it because i have the proof right there in my hands.
We just got married a year and one month ago. But just after couple months of marriage he lost interest. And in the last 5 months we had sex just 2 times. He blamed me for his loss of sexual interest but now i know it's not me but it's him, he likes men.
Yesterday he told me that he was only using grindr once or twice every month for the last 6 months. And he just chatted and traded naked pictures but he never had sex with any of them in grindr. I find this very hard to believe. Just two days ago he had no interest to have sex with me, but yesterday suddenly he wants to have sex and told me i am beautiful. I felt undesired and he made me feel like i am very ugly for the last 5 months. I tried to make love with him but i get only refusals. Then suddenly after i caught him he changed 360 degrees in 1 day. He said it was just a fantasy he got with men. He admitted that he is bisexual. He said he jerks off by seing men's naked pic in grindr but never actually met them.
He promised me he will change and become a good husband, and he will stop to use grindr ever again. And that the reason he is using grindr is because we did not have sex as much as before because he felt blocked with me. The reason he felt blocked it is because he felt like a rapist. When we had really big disagreement he did rape me twice.. i was very hurt and I continued to bring up the subject about how he forced me. I only wanted that he admit it and apologize to me. But he never want to admit that he did it. It hurts me so much that i asked for divorce. After i asked for divorce and brought him to the city hall to fill in the papers our relationship improves a lot to almost perfect other than the sex. We had sex only once in 2 months.
I feel tricked, cheated, manipulated, lied to, angry, disgusted, sad, suicidal, extremely exhausted, and confused.
He said repeatedly in his defense that he never met anyone or had sex with anyone. But i know in my guts he did. Because the car seat setting changed. His excuse was because he had to bring his boss in the car. This is bull**** because his boss is almost 2m tall but the seat was moved forward not backward. He swore he loves me and wants to stay with me and doesn't want a divorce. He said it was just a fantasy for jerking off. And he promised to be a good husband and he will give me access to all his online social apps and even share his location constantly with me in google maps. He told me he is not gay. That if he is gay he should be happy to divorce me and be free to be gay. The only reason i can think of is that he is scared if we divorce and his parents and everyone found out the reason why.
I kept all the proof of his grindr activities. If we ever get a divorce I would use it as proof of why I want a divorce.

I don't know what to do. I am very confused. I took so many antidepressants last night. I couldn't sleep and couldn't stop to cry. I just want to die. How can i trust him ever again after this? He cheated on me with me right there just meters away from him!


If anyone can help me with some advice i am really grateful!
1. Is it possible a straight men can fantasize about having sex with other men? Do you think he is really gay not bisexual?
3. Should i separate or give him a chance?
4. Do you think he is being sincere about wanting to improve and be a good husband?
5. Am i being too naive and he is fooling me all this time???

Btw i am a foreigner in his country. I have no friends or family here. I also don't have a job yet. Since i just settle here about a year ago.
He is Italian.

Thank you very much for your time and answers


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## Emerging Buddhist

You won't find what you need in this spouse... free the both of you to find your happiness.

This is not the marriage you are looking for...


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## EleGirl

When he raped you, did he injure you? You should not excuse him raping you. Rape is about anger, and getting power over the victim. He is a violent man. You should not stay with a violent man. 

How old are you and your husband?



Ladywolfzzz said:


> If anyone can help me with some advice i am really grateful!
> 1. Is it possible a straight men can fantasize about having sex with other men? Do you think he is really gay not bisexual?
> 2. Should i separate or give him a chance?
> 3. Do you think he is being sincere about wanting to improve and be a good husband?
> 4. Am i being too naive and he is fooling me all this time???
> 
> Btw i am a foreigner in his country. I have no friends or family here. I also don't have a job yet. Since i just settle here about a year ago.
> He is Italian.
> 
> Thank you very much for your time and answers


1.	No, straight me do not fantasize about sex with men. They do not call men to set up times to meet them for sex. They do not look at men to get off sexually. Your husband is gay. A lot of gay men marry women so that they can pretend to the world that they are straight. And then they have sex with men secretly. And most of them have little to no sex with their wife.

2.	Yes, you should separate and divorce him. You need a man who can love you as a woman; who wants sex with you; who does not lie and cheat; who does not rape you.

3.	No, I don’t think he is sincere about wanting to improve and be a good husband abusive people and cheaters always act nice and make great promises when their bad behavior is discovered. Once he thinks that he has you under his control again he will go back to the way he used to be. 

You need to check your local divorce laws. Because in some places, if you have sex with your spouse after you discover they have cheated, it’s legally considered that you have forgiven them. 

Are you Catholic? If you are, you need to also talk to your priest about an annulment. You should be able to get on based on him being gay because that means that he did not marry you with honest intent.

4.	Yes, you are being far too naive. He’s been fooling you all this time. Your husband is gay. He was not having sex with you because he is attracted to men, not women.
Even if he was bisexual, what he has done is cheating. And cheating with men he meets on an app is the riskiest sexual behavior there is. He is putting your health at risk. You need to see a doctor and get screened for STDs. And stop having sex with him. He could end up giving you AIDS.

If you are from another country, how did you meet him? Did you date him before you married him? Could you return to your home country? 

I wanted to give you a link to a domestic violence hotline and organization that help women in Italy with no luck.

You need help since you have no friends or family there where you live. I suggest you search for some organizations where you live that help women. 

Here is something that might help: Europe: domestic violence information « HotPeachPages International it has some hotline, and info.

And then there is this article that might help.

The hardship of women trying to escape domestic violence in Italy - La Stampa

Have you considered going to the consulate for the country you come for? They might be able to help you.


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## EleGirl

Also, is there a community of people from your home country living in the area where you live? You might want to see if you can find one and make some friends.


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## arbitrator

*Yes! Get out of that hellhole of a life! He is not even remotely heterosexual family material!

As is, marriage to him will always be deceitful, tumultuous, and a huge disappointment! 

"180" and file for divorce from him immediately, being sure to preserve all evidence!*


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## Andy1001

You are being used by him to hide his homosexuality. It is called being his beard if you were aware of it but in this case he is just deceiving you. You need to protect yourself in this situation,if you do have sex with him always use a condom and whatever else you do,do not get pregnant to him.


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## notmyrealname4

.

.


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## Talker67

gridr is proof that he is either gay or bisexual, AND he is looking to find men to have sex with. If that is OK with you, then not a big deal. IF that is not OK with you....better hit the road and don't look back


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## aine

He is bi or gay and ultimately does not give a damn about you if he has raped you and also runs the risk of catching a deadly disease through sex with unknown men which he can pass on to you.

Of course if he is from a traditional Italian family he does not want anyone to know about his activities. Forget about him, he is a liar, manipulator and cheater who married you under false pretenses. (How did you meet and where are you from). He basically tricked you into marrying him as a cover.

Get out NOW, go home. File for divorce, if he makes it difficult for you tell him you will expose him and share the evidence with everyone of his family and friends. Do whatever it takes to leave this man, otherwise you will live a life of utter misery.


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## KevinZX

Yes! Get out of that hellhole of a life! He is not even remotely heterosexual family material!

As is, marriage to him will always be deceitful, tumultuous, and a huge disappointment! 

"180" and file for divorce from him immediately, being sure to preserve all evidence!

I can't give you any better advice than this, DO IT SOON, he will give you only a world of pain if you don't, Good luck.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Openminded

This is who he is. If you don't want to spend your life in this situation then it's time to move on.


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## Openminded

And, yes, you are his "cover, because he especially doesn't want his parents knowing. That's the ONLY reason he's married to you.


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## uhtred

First off:
The reason he felt blocked it is because he felt like a rapist. When we had really big disagreement he did rape me twice.. i was very hurt and I continued to bring up the subject about how he forced me.

The first time was sufficient to divorce and preferably report him to the police. Rape is simply not acceptable ever, under any conditions. You need no other reason to leave. Rape is not something to just be put down as a "bad thing he did". It is a terrible, serious crime.

If for some reason you still are considering living with a rapist (and that is truly your choice), then:

By any reasonable definition he is Bi. That by itself is OK. I'm straight - and so I'm attracted to women other than my wife, but I DON'T ACT ON THAT ATTRACTION. That to me is the key - its OK for a married person to be Bi, but it doesn't give them any more right than anyone else to cheat. 

He probably cheated physically - or will. No way to know for sure, but its a good bet.

So another valid reason for divorce if you want one. 

Otherwise since he seems unable to avoid wanting sex with men, you could negotiate some agreement for an "open" marriage. For most couples that doesn't work at all, but for a few it does.


I think expecting him to give up his interest in men in unrealistic. You should assume he will continue to have sex with other men and decide accordingly.

Still, to me the rapes are quite sufficient to leave, even if he were perfect in every other way.


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## Ladywolfzzz

Thank you for the replies everyone.. i met him in tinder couple years back when i was studying art in italy. He was very amazing and i never thought he could be like this. I love him still since it just happened couple days ago, i am considering a divorce. It's very difficult for me. I am very broken. Thank you for all the advice. 


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## Ladywolfzzz

I just turned 35, my husband is 32. I feel like i am the most stupid woman in the world. When we first met he told me he never intended to marry anyone, but because he really loves me he wanted to get married. His mom and bestfriend confirmed that he had swore to never marry. 
So many things are going on in my head right now. I am trying to figure out a plan, trying to think of every possible way, what will happen if I divorce or if I don't. The problem is I really have nowhere to go now. I have finished all my money and now is stuck here. I can't depend on my parents. I am embarrassed to tell my friends. I am very confused and feel helpless. My head wants to explode.
Today he asked me to go to the mountain villa with him. I am scared. For the first time i am scared he might off me now that i found out about this. I don't know if i am paranoid or crazy. I can only read your advices here.. and try to stay as calm as possible to make my brain works


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## EleGirl

Do you have one friend or family member who you trust enough to tell? You might want to start with just asking one person to help you.

Do you have a job? If not can you get one?


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## Ladywolfzzz

EleGirl said:


> Do you have one friend or family member who you trust enough to tell? You might want to start with just asking one person to help you.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you have a job? If not can you get one?




I have a bestfriend and childhood friend whom i have known since i was 9 years old... but even with him i have not the strength to tell him.. i feel very embarrassed..
And he is in my country in asia.. I doubt there is much he can do to help me..
I can't speak Italian very well, I really don't know where i can start to get help. I keep on staring into space, my head is cloudy and feel like exploding and I can't stop to cry.
I don't have a job here because italy is in economic crisis, even the local Italians can't get a job. I used to have a job before i moved in here permanently and got married. 
I spoke with my husband about him taking responsibility for this.
I told him i want we both get tested for hiv and STD, he agreed. He insisted that he never acted out and all that was just his way to escape. We did have a lot of disagreement in our first year of marriage. Because we come from very different culture and background, and mostly because I suspect something is wrong with my husband but couldn't put my finger to it. My intuition tell me he is cheating with me. At first I thought he kept a mistress. My husband work requires him to travel months at a time. He travels for 2-3months and stay at home 2-3months before he travels again.
But then since the last 2-3 months my suspicions grow in another direction because he spent ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom, lost all sexual or desires to be intimate with me, sometimes he gets nervous to go out and jittery, and come home cheerful. 
Since he only go out about 3-4 hours at a time so i suspect the person he is cheating with must have had some kind of agreement with him. I thought maybe a ***** or a fwb, and i was just waiting to catch him.. but i never thought it could be with men.. 

I told him he must take responsibility for destroying my life. I asked him to maintain me for the rest of his sorry ass life. He agreed. But i need to find a lawyer and put that into writing.

He asked if i want a divorce, I replied to him I don't know. Sincerely from my heart i am very confused right now. The man and husband that i love very much until two days ago suddenly blast me with such cruel reality.
I still feel like i need to wake up. That maybe i am in a nightmare and this is not real..
I feel all my energy is drained from me. I feel very weak and exhausted...


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## uhtred

You are not crazy. It might be nothing, but a trip to the isolated mountains with a man who raped you twice and who's secret you have now discovered? I think there is a small but real risk. Don't go.

Do you have friends to stay with. At least friends who you can make aware of your situation?

Don't be embarrassed to tell friends, this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't see that you have done anything at all wrong here. 

Why does he want to stay married to you? Why doesn't he want to divorce so that he can be with men? 




Ladywolfzzz said:


> I just turned 35, my husband is 32. I feel like i am the most stupid woman in the world. When we first met he told me he never intended to marry anyone, but because he really loves me he wanted to get married. His mom and bestfriend confirmed that he had swore to never marry.
> So many things are going on in my head right now. I am trying to figure out a plan, trying to think of every possible way, what will happen if I divorce or if I don't. The problem is I really have nowhere to go now. I have finished all my money and now is stuck here. I can't depend on my parents. I am embarrassed to tell my friends. I am very confused and feel helpless. My head wants to explode.
> Today he asked me to go to the mountain villa with him. I am scared. For the first time i am scared he might off me now that i found out about this. I don't know if i am paranoid or crazy. I can only read your advices here.. and try to stay as calm as possible to make my brain works
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

While the economy is a mess there, depending on where you live, you might be able to find a job as a translator or liaison or translator for some company that does business with your home country.

I would start by searching all over Italy for a group of people from your country. Italy is not all that big a country. It's pretty easy to get on a train and be anywhere in a fairly short time.

If you live near or in a large city, there could very likely be a company near that that could use your skills. This could be an way for you to get to travel and maybe even get back to your own country if that's what you want.

Another way to start putting yourself in a better position would be to go back to school. Did you finish a bachelor degree? Could you study for some higher level degree? that would get you out in the community and help you to start building your support system.


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## aine

Ladywolfzzz said:


> I have a bestfriend and childhood friend whom i have known since i was 9 years old... but even with him i have not the strength to tell him.. i feel very embarrassed..
> And he is in my country in asia.. I doubt there is much he can do to help me..
> I can't speak Italian very well, I really don't know where i can start to get help. I keep on staring into space, my head is cloudy and feel like exploding and I can't stop to cry.
> I don't have a job here because italy is in economic crisis, even the local Italians can't get a job. I used to have a job before i moved in here permanently and got married.
> I spoke with my husband about him taking responsibility for this.
> I told him i want we both get tested for hiv and STD, he agreed. He insisted that he never acted out and all that was just his way to escape. We did have a lot of disagreement in our first year of marriage. Because we come from very different culture and background, and mostly because I suspect something is wrong with my husband but couldn't put my finger to it. My intuition tell me he is cheating with me. At first I thought he kept a mistress. My husband work requires him to travel months at a time. He travels for 2-3months and stay at home 2-3months before he travels again.
> But then since the last 2-3 months my suspicions grow in another direction because he spent ridiculous amounts of time in the bathroom, lost all sexual or desires to be intimate with me, sometimes he gets nervous to go out and jittery, and come home cheerful.
> Since he only go out about 3-4 hours at a time so i suspect the person he is cheating with must have had some kind of agreement with him. I thought maybe a ***** or a fwb, and i was just waiting to catch him.. but i never thought it could be with men..
> 
> I told him he must take responsibility for destroying my life. I asked him to maintain me for the rest of his sorry ass life. He agreed. But i need to find a lawyer and put that into writing.
> 
> He asked if i want a divorce, I replied to him I don't know. Sincerely from my heart i am very confused right now. The man and husband that i love very much until two days ago suddenly blast me with such cruel reality.
> I still feel like i need to wake up. That maybe i am in a nightmare and this is not real..
> I feel all my energy is drained from me. I feel very weak and exhausted...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ladywolf, is your H rich (villa etc?). You need to go to your embassy (there ought to be one in Italy and ask for their help in getting you a counsellor and a lawyer). Do this when he is off on his few months trip, when is that coming up? Then you can get your ducks in a row. Do you have access to money, a joint account for example?
You may be foreign but you will have rights in Italy. Where did you get married? you start searching online for information. Depending on the country you are from, there will normally be an expatriate society or club who would normally be willing to assist you, any expatriate club with women in it.


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## Tilted 1

Zombie thread


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