# What is the best thing to do?



## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

I have another thread on here somewhere but I can't find it.

I found out about H's affairs back in September.
He didn't just have 1 but 2 women.
Well, he left me of course for these 2 skanks.
I didn't see him or hear from him for over 3 months.
He would call the kids every night but he would call on oldest DD's cell. 
He wouldn't speak to me at all for any reason.
He would give the kids money each week and paid the mortgage each month but that was it. 

About mid-February, I filed for divorce based on abandonment.
We didn't get him served until the end of March.
He was hard to catch because of his job.

About mid-April, he started calling the kids on my phone. 
I was fine with that because by this time, I was in a better place.
I had suffered alone for months and had gotten to the place of "I don't care anymore"

But for the past couple of weeks he has made a point of trying to talk to me about our marriage. 
He seems down and not himself when he talks to me. He sounds like his best friend has died or something.
Anyway, he is wanting to come by tonight and have a sit down talk with me. He wants to talk about what we need to do to fix our marriage.

Obviously I feel as tho he has stabbed me again.
I love him even after all he has done to me, I mean we have 20 years together.
But I can't continue like this anymore.

I really don't know what is the best stance to take.
I want him back but in the same breath, I hate the SOB.
Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

What do you want? for you...Have you thought about R and a possible list of things that he will have to do 
counseling, true remorse , sustanied/proven changes that he must make first, before you would even consider a chance at working it out....

Is he worth the chance? only you can know that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Reality is setting in and he's starting to understand the consequences of his actions. The question is are you willing to gamble more pain to listen to what he has to say or not? The first question you have to answer is, is there anything he can say or any circumstance under which you're willing to take him back? If the answer is no there's no reason to listen to him. If the answer is yes then it's a gamble. He could be genuine or he could just be trying to cake eat or he could be plain old lying to get you back. There's no way to know without hearing him out. If you elect to listen go in skeptical, go in trying to find lies, deception, blame shifting or gas lighting in what he says. Make him prove, beyond any doubt of yours that he is truly remorseful, has taken ownership of, and is willing to accept accountability for his actions before you even BEGIN to think about reconciliation.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here's your original thread btw

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...32105-problem-marriage-maybe-i-dont-know.html


I would be super cautious of R myself, he abandoned you and the kids- infidelity plus abandonment is pretty tough to regain trust

I'd be worried if he was trying to smooth things over since the divorce is moving along and he is scared of the financial consequences


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

That's the thing....I don't know if I can try to R or not.
There's too much pain there.

I love him with all my heart. But I also hate him with all my heart.
I treated him like a king and all I got was trampled on.
He treated me like I was nothing but trash.
I don't know if I can get past the hurt he has caused.
I have suffered all these months alone. 
I have had no one to talk to except a councilor I see once a month. But she hasn't been much help. 

I'm just so confused now.
Honestly, I am afraid of talking to him tonight.
I don't know if I can handle it mentally.


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

Thank you Almostrecoverd for finding my original thread.

The pain is so fresh in my mind.
I don't know if I can handle going over it again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

your best decision will be to make no decision

since you know you will be too emotional tonight, make a promise to yourself to just listen and say thank you for your thoughts and say you have a lot to think about and then leave


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

QW,

If you are not ready to talk to him then don't.

Tell him that you are not ready. Tell him the truth.

That you are not sure if you even want him in your life after the way he has treated you.

Be honest, because it sounds like you are the only honest adult in the relationship.

Be strong for you. And only deal with him on your dime not his.
(Am I that old that I remember when a payphone call was only a dime???)
Good Luck,

HM64


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> That's the thing....I don't know if I can try to R or not.
> There's too much pain there.
> 
> I love him with all my heart. But I also hate him with all my heart.
> ...


Find yourself another counsler, just like any other profession they have good and bad ones, find one that fits for you.

A/R's sounds spot on, no decision until you are in a better place.
Nothing has to be done,today, tommorow, next week....


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> I love him with all my heart. But I also hate him with all my heart.
> I treated him like a king and all I got was trampled on.
> He treated me like I was nothing but trash.
> I don't know if I can get past the hurt he has caused.
> I have suffered all these months alone.


Just about sums it up. I know you want to hear what he has to say...you probably have good memories with him...but he left you alone to pursue his selfish desires, at your direct expense, for MONTHS.

You did the right thing by having him served. 

I'd keep that momentum going forward...as hard as it is, let HIM feel what it's like to be alone with his pain. You don't owe him another chance.

I completely understand if you want to hear him out...even if it's just for some form of closure in which he's an active participant. That makes sense. Been there. But let him do the talking, don't offer up your emotions to be trampled again. At least not unless he moves mountains to make it worth it for you to take that risk. Will he? Hmmm.

Just please please think long and hard before considering any shred of R. Read your post I just quoted above...read it several times and let it sink in.

So sorry, wish you the best of luck...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Find yourself another counsler, just like any other profession they have good and bad ones, find one that fits for you.
> 
> A/R's sounds spot on, no decision until you are in a better place.
> Nothing has to be done,today, tommorow, next week....


Yes!

What's the rush?

He dangled you on a string. He didn't give you a chance to make one single choice about the marriage. The only thing you had left was to file.

He adores feeling in control, and now he doesn't feel that way any more. THAT is what he finds disturbing. Causing you enormous pain SHOULD have been enough to prevent him from betraying you so profoundly. I see this reaction on his part as deeply selfish.

There is a thread on this forum right now titled, 'serial cheaters.' I found a statement (a quote from presumably experts) in that thread so terrible, but I have no doubt it's true. Serial cheaters are frequently narcissists. They live in a me-centered universe. They seek affirmation from anything that moves. When a spouse files for divorce, narcissists come running. They can't possibly have a person in their world rejecting them.

I would get a new counselor, one who is **specifically trained** in issues of infidelity. I can guess what that counselor will say to you about your husband, and it won't be very nice. But go hear it for yourself.


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

I want to hear what he has to say, to hear him finally explain to me why he did this. 
I want him to fall on his knees and beg me to allow him to try to fix it.
I want to see tears and hear sobs coming from him.
Then I just want to give him a good hard kick in the nuts and tell him to get the **** out of my house and to never come back.

That's what I think I want. 

I am so flip floppy about all of this.
I wish that I could just tell him to go **** himself but I'm just not strong enough.

I think I am going to let him know that I just can't talk about this right now.
I don't trust myself not to fall into his arms and tell him that we can fix it. 
It so sucks that we can't have a rewind button on life.
I often wonder what I could have done to prevent this. But truthfully, I know that it was totally in his hands. 

In the area I live there aren't any counselors trained in Infidelity.
I would have to drive almost 2 hours one way to find one.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Just read your other thread and how you would be able to really begin to trust him again is beyond me personally,especially since he's on the road so much and he abandoned your family.

If you do entertain the idea of reconciliation after you talk to him,then as AR says you should be super cautious.Don't let him try to establish himself back in your household until you're 100% ready,if you ever can be.Truth is he hasn't been in a committed relationship with you for well over 2 years now,so what is really motivating his sudden need for fixing your marriage.You don't want to lose the ground you've made up simply because of some self-serving need of his.

Make the right choice for you and no one else and when you hear what he has to say don't let your heart over-rule your head,and pay close attention to what that inner voice is saying.Good luck and take care.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> I want to hear what he has to say, to hear him finally explain to me why he did this.
> I want him to fall on his knees and beg me to allow him to try to fix it.
> I want to see tears and hear sobs coming from him.
> Then I just want to give him a good hard kick in the nuts and tell him to get the **** out of my house and to never come back.
> ...


Then drive the 2hrs, you have to make this about YOU and what YOU want, not him..YOU!!!
5hrs twice a month (to and from), think about how much time that really isnt. if it isnt really a possibility to drive,on-line counseling?


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

Thanks Struggling. I'll have to think about it driving that far.
But I will look into the online counseling for sure.

Well, I texted him to let him know that I didn't want to have any kind of discussion with him right now. 
He let me know that was ok and he didn't really think I would take the time to talk after all he has done to me.
He did ask if he could pick up the kids tonight and take them to a movie. I told him that would be fine but he had to wait in the car for them to come out.
He said that was fine and he understood why.

I guess I will just have to give it time and see how much I can handle.
I have an appointment next week and I'll see what the councilors opinion is about this situation.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

questionswhy??? said:


> Thanks Struggling. I'll have to think about it driving that far.
> But I will look into the online counseling for sure.
> 
> Well, I texted him to let him know that I didn't want to have any kind of discussion with him right now.
> ...


read your above post...see, you are stronger than you think ...thatagirl :smthumbup:
Why he has the kids do something for you, enjoy yourself.


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## questionswhy??? (Sep 23, 2011)

Well, things went smoothly when he came to pick up the kids for the movies. 
He didn't try to come in, he stayed in the car just like I had asked him to do.
When he brought the kids home, he did get out of the car to give bye hugs and such.
I can honestly say that he looks like ****. He has lost so much weight. His eyes are sunken and he just looks pitiful.
He saw me looking thru the window and waved and when he did it just pulled my heart strings.

I was strong enough not to go outside as I want to wait and talk with my therapist. I just wish I could go back, ya know, before all the bad stuff.
All of this hurt because of a stupid decision.


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