# Please help me !



## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

hi


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This man is not your friend. He merely wants to have sex with you. Please stay right away from him and focus on your husband.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Do not engage with this man anymore. The man is grooming you for sex. His intentions are not good. He knows you are married and he is trying to weasel in to get his needs met. He probably found you attractive but he might see you as kind hearted and many times the "nice girl" gets taken advantage of in this way. You do not have to reply to hi, do not have to call when he asks, you do not owe him anything. You do not have to be nice to him. If you enjoyed the attention, refocus. He is not well intended.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are a wealthy lonely woman and he took advantage of you. He’s what’s known as a player.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Is he a good man?


No, he isn't a good man, he wants sex with a married woman. He also is a great liar, look at how he behaved in front of your husband knowing he has been trying to get you in bed. The fact you asked this says a lot about how twisted your own thoughts are.



RiaMishra said:


> Why and how did he take such a big risk by talking to his guests wife like this in the first place when i hardly spoke to him before? What made him do it?


He's horny and wants to get laid, that is all.



RiaMishra said:


> Why is he behaving like this now? Im now moving to his city soon and he knows it. I dont know what to do and how to continue friendship with him. Why is he not interested in my friendship when I made clear how much I admire him/his work?


He knows he has you hooked by the way you are BEGGING him to be your friend. You have the hots for him and don't want to admit it. The reality is you have already cheated on your husband, even if you haven't let the slime ball chef bed you, yet.



RiaMishra said:


> Please help me , how do I deal with this situation? I really want his friendship and after so much of talking/chatting with him how could he suddenly and totally ignore me? He is not young and is exactly my age.
> Will he ever talk to me?


What do you do? You stop cheating on your husband and end this "friendship" right now. Have you even noticed how you write next to nothing about your relationship with your husband? You are more worried about this POS cheater than your own husband.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You are a wealthy lonely woman and he took advantage of you. He’s what’s known as a player.


 But he never forced me into having sex . He definitely asked me many times but he never forced me. Also he never called me on his own or texted me on his own. A man who is a player would have tried to. In fact right now it is me begging for his friendship. that is killing me. I was happy in my life, admiring him from far but he made me talk, he made me tell all about myself and suddenly stopped talking. He didnot call me after my last call when he asked for a video of mine and I denied. When I ask him ( weekly once) if we are friends at least, he says 'of course' but does nothing to keep in touch. A player would not leave a female who is so interested in him so easily. May be he is embarrassed, regretting or he lost interest in me.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No, he isn't a good man, he wants sex with a married woman. He also is a great liar, look at how he behaved in front of your husband knowing he has been trying to get you in bed. The fact you asked this says a lot about how twisted your own thoughts are.
> 
> 
> He's horny and wants to get laid, that is all.
> ...


Im not cheating on my husband. I did tell all this to my husband last week. Not in great detail but how I felt that the guy was interested in a bad way. My husband was shocked too and asked me if he should complain to the GM of the hotel. He said the hotel would sack him immediately on unethical grounds. I dont want him to lose his job. He is highly successful in his career and all his ex colleagues and present ones and other guests vouch for his sincerity and disciple at work.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

AVR1962 said:


> Do not engage with this man anymore. The man is grooming you for sex. His intentions are not good. He knows you are married and he is trying to weasel in to get his needs met. He probably found you attractive but he might see you as kind hearted and many times the "nice girl" gets taken advantage of in this way. You do not have to reply to hi, do not have to call when he asks, you do not owe him anything. You do not have to be nice to him. If you enjoyed the attention, refocus. He is not well intended.


Do you think I can change his mind and making him accept me as a friend? I really admire him, want to learn from him, he is extremely talented, and awesome at his work. All his colleagues love him to death. So basically he seems to be a good person. Im not able to accept that he wants me only for sex. He could have got better girls, younger ones if he wished. He had access, he is highly successful, with great networking. He is very knowledgeable and I always wanted to learn so much from him. I feel terrible.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> Do you think I can change his mind and making him accept me as a friend? I really admire him, want to learn from him, he is extremely talented, and awesome at his work. All his colleagues love him to death. So basically he seems to be a good person. Im not able to accept that he wants me only for sex. He could have got better girls, younger ones if he wished. He had access, he is highly successful, with great networking. He is very knowledgeable and I always wanted to learn so much from him. I feel terrible.


Why are you playing with fire?


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> This man is not your friend. He merely wants to have sex with you. Please stay right away from him and focus on your husband.


My husband knows everything now but not every detail. He says the same as you all say. I also know what you all say is true but Im not really sure if he wants ONLY sex with me. Im feeling terrible that when we both could have respectable relationship and everything was going fine, he made me talk so much about myself, he made me beg for his friendship. Now im in such a bad shape that Im requesting him to stay connected. I dont know if he will ever change his mind, he is very knowledgeable , everyone adores him. If he is that bad and a pervert, why would anyone respect him? How could he reach that position? Everyone cant be wrong.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Im not cheating on my husband. I did tell all this to my husband last week. Not in great detail but how I felt that the guy was interested in a bad way. My husband was shocked too and asked me if he should complain to the GM of the hotel. He said the hotel would sack him immediately on unethical grounds. I dont want him to lose his job. He is highly successful in his career and all his ex colleagues and present ones and other guests vouch for his sincerity and disciple at work.


Actually you are. You didn't disclose the entire truth. You are still not being fully honest with him. You are also trying to keep a relationship going with a man you know with 100% certainty wants to have sex with you. This is cheating. You are even going so far as to protect him. Why? And not because he is successful, blah, blah , blah. Why are you really protecting him? You don't find his sexual advances intriguing?



RiaMishra said:


> Do you think I can change his mind and making him accept me as a friend? I really admire him, want to learn from him, he is extremely talented, and awesome at his work. All his colleagues love him to death. So basically he seems to be a good person. Im not able to accept that he wants me only for sex. He could have got better girls, younger ones if he wished. He had access, he is highly successful, with great networking. He is very knowledgeable and I always wanted to learn so much from him. I feel terrible.


Why, why why? Why would you want to be friends with a person that is NOT a friend of your marriage? Let's flip this for a minute. A well respected female manager of the hotel has formed a friendship with your husband. Shortly there after she starts pursuing him hard to go sexual. Tells him they can be each other's side piece and hide it from everyone. She asks him over WhatsApp for pics of him. Tells him multiple times she desires to sleep with him. He tells her no, we can only be friends so she ends up backing off almost entirely. She really does want a friendship with him without sex. She really wants to know him intimately and sexually. Knowing this, he keeps working her to be his friend. Would you be okay with that? Would you want your husband having her a friend that chat and meet up from time to time?

This chef is not a good person. He is trying to bed a married women and doesn't give a crap about your marriage. He does only want you for sex. The friendship thing is just his game to get you to sleep with him. He sees you as an easy target, and to some degree you are proving him right.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RiaMishra said:


> Hi, I am a 47 year woman married for 27 years. My husband is a good man, but an extremely busy one. Im a reasonably good looking woman, people often mistake me for a woman in her thirties. I have a daughter who is abroad working. I am a professor myself but quit my job once I turned 45. Presently I teach kids for free from home. I stay in Chennia, India.
> My husband travels very frequently to Delhi on official trips and stays in a 5 star hotel . Since Im not working anymore, he takes me to these trips so I can enjoy the hotel stay. I started accompanying him from the last one year, post pandamic severity. Though I would do nothing sitting in the hotel, I would engage myself by working out, reading books etc that I couldnot do while I was raising my kid and working.
> Since my husband has been going to the same hotel for over 3 years now, the entire hotel staff became close to him almost like a family. So when i started accompanying him every month for a week, slowly we all became close to each other and we would do small-talk etc., The entire hotel would respect us, love us for being such loyal clients.
> Now, in this process of 'making friends' I came across the executive chef of the hotel who is extremely charming and appeared to be very caring and respectful. Husband and I loved him a lot, the man too would show great admiration towards us. I would hardly spoke to him directly, always asked what I wanted through my husband never directly with the chef. but I admired his hardwork, extreme passion towards his woek and would often say to my husband.
> ...


Dear, he is what we American's call a "player" and he is playing you.

He is using psychological tactics to mess you up and I guarantee you are only one in a long list of women he is trying to have sex with.

He is not admirable. He is scum and you should tell your husband.

Do not message him and get rid of him on Whatsapp!

He does not care for you or your husband. He only cares about using women and destroying their lives for his own pleasure.

He should also be reported to his company because he is using his position with them to harass and try to seduce the wives of loyal customers.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RiaMishra said:


> Do you think I can change his mind and making him accept me as a friend? I really admire him, want to learn from him, he is extremely talented, and awesome at his work. All his colleagues love him to death. So basically he seems to be a good person. Im not able to accept that he wants me only for sex. He could have got better girls, younger ones if he wished. He had access, he is highly successful, with great networking. He is very knowledgeable and I always wanted to learn so much from him. I feel terrible.


You are behaving like a silly, foolish school girl.

Start acting like a grown and married woman or you may find yourself disgraced and your whole family with you.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

So you think that because he didn’t rape you, he only repeatedly asked you to have an affair, that this makes him a good man? Good grief. That you never told your husband any of this is terrible. Why wouldn’t you, if you had nothing to hide? Something stinks here. Do you want to chit chat with him on the phone, go to book club once a week? I mean, what do you envision friendship looking like with this man? Because secret phone calls and messages are an affair.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> Do you think I can change his mind and making him accept me as a friend? I really admire him, want to learn from him, he is extremely talented, and awesome at his work. All his colleagues love him to death. So basically he seems to be a good person. Im not able to accept that he wants me only for sex. He could have got better girls, younger ones if he wished. He had access, he is highly successful, with great networking. He is very knowledgeable and I always wanted to learn so much from him. I feel terrible.


What makes you think he does not have all those younger women?

I believe you would be one of many his lovers. The reason he does not push you is because, experience has shown, he need not.

You have a crush on him, he sees this, and is using your desire, against you.

Something in your relationship with your husband is missing.

It is likely, that romance that you desire.

Most every human needs this.

He has no pressing need of that for you.

His need is your warm and moist flower. That is such a valuable item.

Do not give it away to some selfish fool.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> But he never forced me into having sex . He definitely asked me many times but he never forced me. Also he never called me on his own or texted me on his own. A man who is a player would have tried to. In fact right now it is me begging for his friendship. that is killing me. I was happy in my life, admiring him from far but he made me talk, he made me tell all about myself and suddenly stopped talking. He didnot call me after my last call when he asked for a video of mine and I denied. When I ask him ( weekly once) if we are friends at least, he says 'of course' but does nothing to keep in touch. A player would not leave a female who is so interested in him so easily. May be he is embarrassed, regretting or he lost interest in me.


Why are you ''begging'' this man to be friends?


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

RiaMishra said:


> Hi, I am a 47 year woman married for 27 years. My husband is a good man, but an extremely busy one. Im a reasonably good looking woman, people often mistake me for a woman in her thirties. I have a daughter who is abroad working. I am a professor myself but quit my job once I turned 45. Presently I teach kids for free from home. I stay in Chennia, India.
> My husband travels very frequently to Delhi on official trips and stays in a 5 star hotel . Since Im not working anymore, he takes me to these trips so I can enjoy the hotel stay. I started accompanying him from the last one year, post pandamic severity. Though I would do nothing sitting in the hotel, I would engage myself by working out, reading books etc that I couldnot do while I was raising my kid and working.
> Since my husband has been going to the same hotel for over 3 years now, the entire hotel staff became close to him almost like a family. So when i started accompanying him every month for a week, slowly we all became close to each other and we would do small-talk etc., The entire hotel would respect us, love us for being such loyal clients.
> Now, in this process of 'making friends' I came across the executive chef of the hotel who is extremely charming and appeared to be very caring and respectful. Husband and I loved him a lot, the man too would show great admiration towards us. I would hardly spoke to him directly, always asked what I wanted through my husband never directly with the chef. but I admired his hardwork, extreme passion towards his woek and would often say to my husband.
> ...


He's highly experienced as a chef at a class hotel and see women (wives) come through his hotel frequently. He has mastfully profiled them and you fit the profile to a tee. Naive, friend thirsty, comfortable and convertible. Meaning he can convert you to being his lover and doesn't hide his intentions because he's done it before........many times. I know this because I am a man firstly.

Secondly, I too am super friendly and giving. I just don't do it with a sinister agenda. However, unfortunately I see how easily one can fold into my arms if I so wish. Best to remove him from your life immediately and finality. He's already close to bringing you down into the muddy life he resides in.



> He didnot even want an affair. He said we could lead parallel lives without disturbing our families and have sex once a month !!!!


LOL...He only needs once a month to complete his sexual schedule. He has the other three weeks accounted for and you agreeing to once a month assures him he'll have his sexual needs taken care of during the week you're in. 

Sick stuff.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

You sound like a desperate teenager. Who cares if he won’t be your friend? Stop pursuing HIM! Yea, YOU are chasing HIM! He is barely putting any effort into you, but if he turned on the charm and game…. You would be sleeping with him right now. You need to get some help for why you’re so desperate for male attention. It’s not healthy.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So tell me about your relationship, with your dad.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

You say you've told your husband but follow it up with "he doesn't know all the details".

I can only imagine what "details" you haven't told him. 

This guy has shown you who he is and what he wants from you. SEX!!!

He does NOT want a relationship with you.

This isn't about this chef. Nope! This is about you. You are a MARRIED WOMAN and you're bent out of shape with a man who doesn't want to be your friend. He wants only to have sex with you. And yet you are so confused and hurt that he doesn't want your friendship??

If I was your husband I would be PISSED off that you didn't tell me what this guy was doing immediately. IMMEDIATELY!!!

Now you're protecting this slimy man by not allowing your husband to call the hotel mgmt to let them know what this loser has been trying to do with one of their valued guest. He should be FIRED!!!!

If I were a betting man, I can imagine what details you've left out and not told your husband.

You want advice? 

TELL YOUR HUSBAND THE TRUTH!!
EVERYTHING!!

Let him know that even though you knew this chef wanted to have sex with you that you NEVER shut him down. That you continued to pursue this piece of $h!t.

Then, so that this doesn't happen to other married women, you and your husband need to call the hotel mgmt and let them know what this loser has been doing. That they should fire him!!

Then you need to WAKE THE F UP and work on something called boundaries. 

I'm not buying that you're this naive. Sorry I'm just not. You knew what this loser was doing and you enjoyed the attention.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

The more I think about it you would be helping society (other wives and families) by turning him in so that he can't continue to destroy peoples lives I'm pretty sure he's already done significant damage. How do I know? His imprint is all throughout your initial message.

He's a pro and conquering married women is his game. He won't stop until someone has the courage to turn him in.* Assuming you haven't done more than what you have disclosed here,* you are in the unique position to exposing him.

Other women who he's already preyed upon and defeated are probably being blackmailed into keeping quiet to keep their marriage. But your communications with your husband absolves you from this. Be the whistle blower and nail this sorry excuse of a man.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

sideways said:


> You say you've told your husband but follow it up with "he doesn't know all the details".
> 
> I can only imagine what "details" you haven't told him.
> 
> ...


I think she’s actually just pissed that he didn’t find her worthwhile enough to romance her and sweep her off her feet. She’s only worthy of a “monthly rotation” level of effort.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Great chefs are hard to find, hard to keep.

I would not be surprised if management does not already know about this man's peccodillos


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

47? Seriously? You need therapy.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

This sounds like your marriage has run it's course but both of you choose to stay. 


This also sounds like you get very little to no attention from your husband, nor do you feel cared, wanted, and loved..

You want attention.
You want affection.
You want praise.
You want respect.
You want partnership.
You want a friend.
You want to be listened to.
You want someone to be intrigued by you.
You want someone to find you fascinating and interesting.

You want to feel irreplaceable.
You want to feel needed.

You want someone to know your value and value you.

You want excitement.
You want someone to have a glimmer in their eyes when they look at you.

You want love.
You want romance.
You want to be craved.
You want passion.

You want to be treated like and acknowledged as a person, woman, a sexual and desirable being.

You want (re) confirmation that you've "got it" still.


Your husband doesn't do or have all these things. Maybe he's lost them or never had them at all.

Your child was the distraction and part of your solution all these years. 


She's grown now and on her own. 

You need a new distraction to keep you staying in your not so desirable stale marriage.



Soo...

You cheat on your husband.

You tell him about this guy and what's been transpiring between the two of you.

Your husband doesn't give you the reaction or response that you want..

You want him to give a damn, but he doesn't. 

He acknowledges that this guy wants only sex from his wife, and dismisses it.

Frankly, he just dismisses you, and resumes living and going about his separate life.

He's "checked out" of the marriage.


You want him to care, be jealous, be assertive, perhaps aggressive...

You want him to give the guy a Stern talking to, a warning, a stay away from my wife or you'll be sorry..


He doesn't.





Your marriage sounds awful and unhealthy.

You're unhappy, dissatisfied and bored.

You're with your husband because of longevity and comfortability.



You carrying on like a young school girl who has a crush because some guy is paying attention to her and she hasn't had that in a long time, if not ever. 

He's playing you. He's a player. He does this alot. 

You subconsciously know all of this, but don't care and continue to run with it.


You're giddy and excited. You're optimistic and delusional.


You're hungry and gobbling up his words.


Is your husband also cheating on you, and you're aware??

Is this what this school girl behavior also is about as well??



You two sound miserable together but probably won't ever leave each other.



You're lonely.

Desperate.


You're trying to feel alive again.


If you want to feel alive again.
Properly divorce your husband...


...and carry on doing what you want to do, and having as many flings as you want to...


As a single person.


Go to therapy and learn how to love and cherish yourself as well.

You need a life, hobbies, goals, job , career, (if you haven't one)and platonic friends. 

I'm sure that you two are going to stay with each other and continue living separate lives and "respectfully" cheating on one another.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> My husband knows everything now but not every detail. He says the same as you all say. I also know what you all say is true but Im not really sure if he wants ONLY sex with me. Im feeling terrible that when we both could have respectable relationship and everything was going fine, he made me talk so much about myself, he made me beg for his friendship. Now im in such a bad shape that Im requesting him to stay connected. I dont know if he will ever change his mind, he is very knowledgeable , everyone adores him. If he is that bad and a pervert, why would anyone respect him? How could he reach that position? Everyone cant be wrong.


How about you focus all of your attention on your husband and marriage. Plus tell your husband everything.
This chef only wants sex. He doesn't want to be your friend.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> My husband knows everything now but not every detail.


That is a conflicting statement. It sounds like your husband doesn't know the particular details that would get him angry at your behavior. It sounds like you've only told your husband the things that the other guy has done and not your desire to keep interacting with him.

Your husband knows nothing about you wanting to continue your emotional affair with this other man.

Tell your husband: "I desperately want to stay connected to this other man. How do I stop him from asking for sex and just have him agree to be my close friend?"

What do you think your husband's response to the above would be?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK so first of all there is nothing to respect in this piece of crap. Next, your swooning over how "world famous" this turd is, while he is trying to screw you behind your husband's back is belittling your husband and is extremely disrespectful OF YOU! 

So what needs to happen is this: tell your husband and throw yourself at his mercy (because you too have been behaving badly). And then your husband should arrange to practically cripple this banchot! World famous chef my ass!


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Hi, I am a 47 year woman married for 27 years. My husband is a good man, but an extremely busy one. Im a reasonably good looking woman, people often mistake me for a woman in her thirties. I have a daughter who is abroad working. I am a professor myself but quit my job once I turned 45. Presently I teach kids for free from home. I stay in Chennia, India.
> My husband travels very frequently to Delhi on official trips and stays in a 5 star hotel . Since Im not working anymore, he takes me to these trips so I can enjoy the hotel stay. I started accompanying him from the last one year, post pandamic severity. Though I would do nothing sitting in the hotel, I would engage myself by working out, reading books etc that I couldnot do while I was raising my kid and working.
> Since my husband has been going to the same hotel for over 3 years now, the entire hotel staff became close to him almost like a family. So when i started accompanying him every month for a week, slowly we all became close to each other and we would do small-talk etc., The entire hotel would respect us, love us for being such loyal clients.
> Now, in this process of 'making friends' I came across the executive chef of the hotel who is extremely charming and appeared to be very caring and respectful. Husband and I loved him a lot, the man too would show great admiration towards us. I would hardly spoke to him directly, always asked what I wanted through my husband never directly with the chef. but I admired his hardwork, extreme passion towards his woek and would often say to my husband.
> ...


Thanks Everyone for your frank and kind responses and taking time to respond to a stranger. I want to add a few points here after going through your responses:

1. I am not naive, I never said I was innocent. I did understand what he meant on tnhe day 2 of the interaction. Yes, I didnot stop him from continuing because I truly truly admired his knowledge, his skills , the way people talked about him, his generosity towards his colleagues. I saw all this closely in 1.5 years of visitng the hotel monthly and also from social media (linkedin etc). I had this HUGEEEEEE admiration for him though I never spoke to him directly. 
2. One of you has said that I was craving for his attention and pissed off with him for not showing too much. THat is so wrong. Yes, I was really overwhelmed when he wanted to talk to me, I actually hero worshipped him silently. When he told me that he wants me as a 'partner, companion and friend', yes yes yes I was extremley happy to overlook the words partner, companion and craved for friendship.
3. I wanted to learn a lot from him as I am very fond of cooking and follow all his online cooking he posts on insta. He himself said that he would love to share knowledge with me as I was teaching mathematics at the univ. I looked forward to sharing so much stuff. So when he approached saying he found me fascinating, I was really so happy. That doesnot make me cheap, that could make me a fool, yes. But that is a fact.
4. My relationship with my husband is more like a friendship. He is a great guy, very busy but does makes sure that Im well taken care of. He is extremely bound by rules and ethics at work and personal life too. He is a great dad and an extremely respectable man. Yes there is no romance in our relationship like how it was when we were young but there is no doubt that he loves me a lot. He takes me along to these trips because he wants to be with me.
5. Why I want a friensdhip with this man? I really dont know that is why I am here. THis guy told me that he never had sex in the past 4 years, he HAS NO TIME FOR THAT. He said he would visit spa and get some superficial things done. Thats all. I even asked him why he cant have it with other younger girls that he follow on insta because he could easily get one if he wished. He is an executive chef at a 5 star hotel so Im sure he could find easily a girl/woman. His response was that it wasnt easy, he cant get connected with anyone else like he could with me. 
6. I am not naive, I know he wants sex with me, he told me directly. But what I want is friendship, knowledge sharing. I dont even want to meet him in person. Now why I want, I really dont know. I silently admired him from so many months and still continue to do so. I am just triyng to remove that sex thoughts from his mind ( towards me) so that the other part of him, a knowledgeable chef, a generous man becomes my friend. 
7. why am I hurt and begging him? Im hurt because he said he would be my friend for sure come whatever may. So I shared so much about myself in audio calls ( he hardly has time to chit chat with me in his 14 hour busy schedule) . I even said I would be OK if he didnot find me interesting after listening to the audios. In audios I told him a ll about myself( not a word about sex) and how much I admired him, adored him and how he motivates me and so many people who are interested in cooking. I told him how much I respected him. 
After all this, he just stopped talking to me because I didnot accept his sexual advances. I didnot cut him off but I didnot reciprocate. But I kept saying how much I respect his work . Why cant he have sex with all other girls in his queue and be friends with me? Why? He said he would be my friend and share knowledge if this doesnt workout. Now why is he avoiding me? Yes I am desperate to talk to him. 
8. I told my husband almost everything and not everything because I didnot want to him to complain about this guy at the hotel. i dont want him to lose his job. He loves his wife, his son, his family and I dont want them on the streets because of this man's badside. because he has a good-side to him too. Please trust me, he has. He is into a lot of charity, extremely generous etc., I somehow want to make this friendship work but it is not happening. He talks to so many people on insta, his followrs in a friendly way so WHY CANT HE SEE ME AS A FRIEND????
he does like my posts on insta but then thats it. 
9. About him being an experienced 'player', I really don't know. He told me that he HAS ABSOLUTELY NO TIME TO indulge in all that stuff as he comes home tired ( his family lives in another city) , he crashes immediately. I know he has no time because he is supremely busy, I saw it while at the hotel, he goes home to sleep. He takes off once in 15 days. But yes, he could be lying too but that is none of my business. I just want his friendship from distance.
10. Im 47, a wife, a mother am being stupid, immature and irresponsible. I know all this. Im just in a terrible state right now because I shared already too much with him - my insecurities, my childhood , my interests etc. All harmless stuff but I did share which i did with nobody. May be Im desperate as someone in this thread said, but that is why im here typing away seeking help.
Judge me all you want, I was prepared for it anyway. Many of you have been so kind in taking time and bothering to respond. Thanks so much.
I didnot know where else to add all this so adding here.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Your obsession is super creepy. Please get therapy. And then get some really good FEMALE friends. And a hobby. Maybe do some volunteer work. Fill your life with meaningful things. Fixating on this man will destroy your life, your husbands life, and your kids lives. Stop.it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

And there it is ..... your husband is not romantic, blah blah! If that is the case then divorce him before wanting to screw someone else!
Oh, of course, you are worried about the piece of **** in case he should lose his job and the respect of everyone including his WIFE AND KIDS!!!!
Now you are bordering on vile - you have definitely crossed the line on disrespect for your hushand.
This is sickening - "oh why oh why can't he just see me as his friend" all the time knowing that this respected, talented craphead has a wife and kids and also knowing that he wants to put his woo woo in your moo moo (and that excites you).


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> And there it is ..... your husband is not romantic, blah blah! If that is the case then divorce him before wanting to screw someone else!
> Oh, of course, you are worried about the piece of **** in case he should lose his job and the respect of everyone including his WIFE AND KIDS!!!!
> Now you are bordering on vile - you have definitely crossed the line on disrespect for your hushand.
> This is sickening - "oh why oh why can't he just see me as his friend" all the time knowing that this respected, talented craphead has a wife and kids and also knowing that he wants to put his woo woo in your moo moo (and that excites you).


Why would I divorce my husband? I dont need sex in my life from any man. I want a friendship from this guy am pretty clear about this. Yes he does love his wife and kid. He could be a womaniser but he does love his wife and kid. Even his bio says ' i try to be a good husband and a great father'. If he wanted to be a casanova, he would have put something else to attract women. Also he never approached me. or forced me into having sex. he expressed his desire - good or bad. I rejected. He didnot continue with me . Im after him now for friendship. Any guy with sexual desire could have continued but he didnot. Yes, am sad that I couldnt be his friend. Male, female doesnt matter to me. Yes he IS talented, won many awards, a great chef, a super talented man in his field. And yes im worried for his family if he loses his job. They did no harm to me. I told my husband about this, so im not cheating as well.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> And there it is ..... your husband is not romantic, blah blah! If that is the case then divorce him before wanting to screw someone else!
> Oh, of course, you are worried about the piece of **** in case he should lose his job and the respect of everyone including his WIFE AND KIDS!!!!
> Now you are bordering on vile - you have definitely crossed the line on disrespect for your hushand.
> This is sickening - "oh why oh why can't he just see me as his friend" all the time knowing that this respected, talented craphead has a wife and kids and also knowing that he wants to put his woo woo in your moo moo (and that excites you).





manfromlamancha said:


> And there it is ..... your husband is not romantic, blah blah! If that is the case then divorce him before wanting to screw someone else!
> Oh, of course, you are worried about the piece of **** in case he should lose his job and the respect of everyone including his WIFE AND KIDS!!!!
> Now you are bordering on vile - you have definitely crossed the line on disrespect for your hushand.
> This is sickening - "oh why oh why can't he just see me as his friend" all the time knowing that this respected, talented craphead has a wife and kids and also knowing that he wants to put his woo woo in your moo moo (and that excites you).





QuietRiot said:


> Your obsession is super creepy. Please get therapy. And then get some really good FEMALE friends. And a hobby. Maybe do some volunteer work. Fill your life with meaningful things. Fixating on this man will destroy your life, your husbands life, and your kids lives. Stop.it.


Yes, my husband is not a romatic but I never complained. Im not either. I guess am asexual. I love intellectual intimacy. 
I am attracted to this man's skills and knowledge for sure. Im prettty clear what I want, a friendship.
You cant believe how female friends ruined my life earlier. They are full of competition, jealousy. Men are far better if you can have a platonic friendship. If you have not read my message properly , I do teach mathematics and physics street kids for free. I have many hobbies too that I persue and post on Instagram including cooking. Thats what I want to share with him, my hobbies and his hobbies match. I did many meaningful things in life. You know nothing about me except what I shared here. And trust me, I shared the worst side of mine here. You dont even know the better side. Funny it sounds but I do have a better side. Thanks


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You obviously have got a huge crush on this guy and are in a state of limerence with him.
Just let your husband read all of the messages and let him decide what actions need to be taken.
Who knows he may want this guy to 'take care of you' for him, but you need to give your husband the agency to make that decision for himself and respect that decision. Just giving him what information you deem fit is lying by omission and it's no secret which parts you are keeping from him. Your behavior is very disconcerting.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RiaMishra said:


> Thanks Everyone for your frank and kind responses and taking time to respond to a stranger. I want to add a few points here after going through your responses:
> 
> 1. I am not naive, I never said I was innocent. I did understand what he meant on tnhe day 2 of the interaction. Yes, I didnot stop him from continuing because I truly truly admired his knowledge, his skills , the way people talked about him, his generosity towards his colleagues. I saw all this closely in 1.5 years of visitng the hotel monthly and also from social media (linkedin etc). I had this HUGEEEEEE admiration for him though I never spoke to him directly.
> 2. One of you has said that I was craving for his attention and pissed off with him for not showing too much. THat is so wrong. Yes, I was really overwhelmed when he wanted to talk to me, I actually hero worshipped him silently. When he told me that he wants me as a 'partner, companion and friend', yes yes yes I was extremley happy to overlook the words partner, companion and craved for friendship.
> ...


This is all summed up in that you are having an emotional affair.

You really are and you need to recognize this.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

My husband knows everything now but not every detail
I told my husband almost everything and not everything
This sure seems like trolling from the OP. Just putting that out there...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

"He's such a great guy! He just wants to stick his wang in my hoohoo! I really want him as a friend because I admire him soooooo much! What do I do???"

As my absent friend @Blondilocks often said, "good grief!"


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

RiaMishra said:


> Thanks Everyone for your frank and kind responses and taking time to respond to a stranger. I want to add a few points here after going through your responses:
> 
> 1. I am not naive, I never said I was innocent. I did understand what he meant on tnhe day 2 of the interaction. Yes, I didnot stop him from continuing because I truly truly admired his knowledge, his skills , the way people talked about him, his generosity towards his colleagues. I saw all this closely in 1.5 years of visitng the hotel monthly and also from social media (linkedin etc). I had this HUGEEEEEE admiration for him though I never spoke to him directly.
> 2. One of you has said that I was craving for his attention and pissed off with him for not showing too much. THat is so wrong. Yes, I was really overwhelmed when he wanted to talk to me, I actually hero worshipped him silently. When he told me that he wants me as a 'partner, companion and friend', yes yes yes I was extremley happy to overlook the words partner, companion and craved for friendship.
> ...


*Steps Leading to an Affair*

1) Acquaintance leads to friendship

2) Friendship leads to admiration

3) Admiration leads to attraction _*(First opportunity to step off the train)*_

4) Attraction leads to intimate discussion _*(Emotional Affair starts here)*_

5) Intimate discussion leads to romantic discussion _*(Point of no return starts here)*_

6) Romantic discussions leads to sexual discussions _*(Last chance to hop off the train)*_

7) Sexual discussion leads to lust _ *(Too late to stop the train here)*_

8) Lust leads to sex _*(Train approaching unsafe speed and derailment highly likely causing untold collateral damage) *_

The above is the abbreviated version of what I believe everyone's saying here. The steps leading to an affair are remarkably blurry and because of the Dopamine a physiological change happens within you. You claim to not be naive, but you are because an awoke wife would recognize the slope is very slippery when a man becomes your friend and even more so when he is admired, successful and dotes you with charm.

The eight points above are followed by a wayward wife or husband saying I wasn't looking for an affair, it just happened. Few people have intentions to have an affair. Must start like you have described here and it evolves into one. But perhaps you’re not naive and just self-manipulative because after all, TAM has many categories one cans post on and you chose the infidelity category.

*Here's my read:*

You love and respect your husband but know full well the slippery slope you stand atop of, but there’s an excitement and fulfilling aspect of your flirtation with the chef that pulls you. Your marriage lacks it and the chef fulfills something for you that feels good personally, but isn't actually good to partake in and you inherently know it. It's kind of like a person who watches their weight but uses the holidays to justify overeating, all the while saying, "I know I shouldn't".

The problem is the chef’s pace. It's too fast. His straightforwardness on wanting a sexual relationship with you has obliterated the slow, titillating friendship buildup which you are completely on board with. 

He's skipping the appetizers and going straight for the meal while you want to talk with a glass of wine and feel good AND respectful to your husband about doing it.The chef possibly saved you from yourself because of his brashness. If he hadn't it's highly possible, if not likely you're on point number 4 and fastly advancing. 

Lastly. I'm a man. I've had many, many women. Lots. High body count. I'm 3 decades past it now though. The chef has profiled you as I said previously and without knowing it you have consciously or subconsciously given something off to him that has emboldened him to the point that he feels COMPLETELY comfortable on telling you he wants you for sex. Know why? Because it's worked for him in the past and he's so certain of your profile he just asks right out.

I know this because I did it during my single life in my 20's and 30's, just not with married women. I didn't even have to try hard neither. I wasn't a player but I sure as hell was an opportunist. I knew who I could outright ask and who I couldn't. 

I never dealt with women like you though because I knew who I was and it wasn't safe for someone with a good life to be with me at that time. I wasn't relationship material. I was fun material. 

You're thirsty whether you know it or not. He sees your thirst. Time for marriage counseling. Please trust me here. I would love for you to be one less person blowing up a solid marriage unnecessarily.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RiaMishra said:


> Yes, my husband is not a romatic but I never complained. Im not either. I guess am asexual. I love intellectual intimacy.
> I am attracted to this man's skills and knowledge for sure. Im prettty clear what I want, a friendship.
> You cant believe how female friends ruined my life earlier. They are full of competition, jealousy. Men are far better if you can have a platonic friendship. If you have not read my message properly , I do teach mathematics and physics street kids for free. I have many hobbies too that I persue and post on Instagram including cooking. Thats what I want to share with him, my hobbies and his hobbies match. I did many meaningful things in life. You know nothing about me except what I shared here. And trust me, I shared the worst side of mine here. You dont even know the better side. Funny it sounds but I do have a better side. Thanks


I’d rather be friends with man who had honor, loyalty and values but burned toast, than this dude you’re goo goo eyed over. But you do you. 

Meanwhile you have a husband that loves you and just wants to be with you and you **** on him to chase some guy that doesn’t care about you AT ALL. Sad lady. Really sad.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

You are obsessed . You are addicted to a fantasy . You can't see that this man never wanted to be your friend... He just wanted to use your body for his own pleasure. 

You told him all about yourself...

Great info for the groomer. 

He loves his wife and child... , right ✅ 

Now he doesn't want to be your friend because you won't F$ck him...

Ask yourself. what were his real intentions .
He approaches a married woman at a hotel. 

To you he is a celebrity, in his Industry 

" I can't believe he talked to me "

A childhood crush nothing more. Do you think that you are so special to be his only conquest ?

Please,  walk away from this situation that you have allowed yourself to fall into. 

I'm sure if your husband actually knew everything. He might have reacted differently.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

colingrant said:


> *Steps Leading to an Affair*
> 
> 1) Acquaintance leads to friendship
> 
> ...


Thank you so much , really thanks for taking time and pains to write so much without being harsh but being honest. Very grateful.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

RiaMishra said:


> Why would I divorce my husband? I dont need sex in my life from any man. I want a friendship from this guy am pretty clear about this. Yes he does love his wife and kid. He could be a womaniser but he does love his wife and kid. Even his bio says ' i try to be a good husband and a great father'. If he wanted to be a casanova, he would have put something else to attract women. Also he never approached me. or forced me into having sex. he expressed his desire - good or bad. I rejected. He didnot continue with me . Im after him now for friendship. Any guy with sexual desire could have continued but he didnot. Yes, am sad that I couldnt be his friend. Male, female doesnt matter to me. Yes he IS talented, won many awards, a great chef, a super talented man in his field. And yes im worried for his family if he loses his job. They did no harm to me. I told my husband about this, so im not cheating as well.


The fact that this twat (a married man with a wife and children) approached you (a married woman, with kids?) for sex makes him a very bad person. Good chefs are a dime a dozen - good men not so much and he is far from good. And from your posts, you are far from asexual. The fact that you brought up the subject of your husband not being romantic as an excuse (go back and look at the context of when you brought it up) means that you are seeking it elsewhere - so my first piece of advice is to stop fooling yourself or lying to yourself to try and take the moral (and intellectual) high ground here. This man is bad in any shape or form and is not to be admired.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> Why would I divorce my husband? I dont need sex in my life from any man. I want a friendship from this guy am pretty clear about this. Yes he does love his wife and kid. He could be a womaniser but he does love his wife and kid. Even his bio says ' i try to be a good husband and a great father'. If he wanted to be a casanova, he would have put something else to attract women. Also he never approached me. or forced me into having sex. he expressed his desire - good or bad. I rejected. He didnot continue with me . Im after him now for friendship. Any guy with sexual desire could have continued but he didnot. Yes, am sad that I couldnt be his friend. Male, female doesnt matter to me. Yes he IS talented, won many awards, a great chef, a super talented man in his field. And yes im worried for his family if he loses his job. They did no harm to me. I told my husband about this, so im not cheating as well.



"If he wanted to be a cassanova he would have put something else to attract women. Yes he does love his wife and kid"??

Why do that when he knows women just like you will be gullible enough to think he's the loving family man you think he is.

Do you enjoy lying to yourself??

"You're sad you couldn't be his friend"??? It's been mentioned to you already but you should seriously consider getting into therapy. 

Based upon everything you've written, if I were your husband, I would have already served you divorce papers so you could go chase your fairytale.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> The fact that this twat (a married man with a wife and children) approached you (a married woman, with kids?) for sex makes him a very bad person. Good chefs are a dime a dozen - good men not so much and he is far from good. And from your posts, you are far from asexual. The fact that you brought up the subject of your husband not being romantic as an excuse (go back and look at the context of when you brought it up) means that you are seeking it elsewhere - so my first piece of advice is to stop fooling yourself or lying to yourself to try and take the moral (and intellectual) high ground here. This man is bad in any shape or form and is not to be admired.


 I also mentioned that Im not a romantic either. I dont want romance or sex. I cant put in efforts to be romantic at this age. Im too tired. I am very very clear about that right from the beginning. My husband knows it too that is why I could tell him everything. I didnot tell my husband only what exact words he used to have sex with me. I just wanted communication with this man on the topics of common interests - cooking. Thats it. I am unable to wipe off that admiration I built up for over 1.5 years for this man, though I understand his intentions now. I also know he could be having multiple affairs and Im old and not very beautiful so wondering why he wanted to have sex with me in the first place. Your may judge me as you want to, call me names. I doesnt matter because you dont know me in person.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

sideways said:


> "If he wanted to be a cassanova he would have put something else to attract women. Yes he does love his wife and kid"??
> 
> Why do that when he knows women just like you will be gullible enough to think he's the loving family man you think he is.
> 
> ...


Yes. My husband is a very matured and patient man. Trying to understand my confusion - irrespective of how dirty/stupid it is. Probably he is more empathic than impulsive to serve divorce papers to let me chase my fairytale.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> I also mentioned that Im not a romantic either. I dont want romance or sex. I cant put in efforts to be romantic at this age. Im too tired. I am very very clear about that right from the beginning. My husband knows it too that is why I could tell him everything. I didnot tell my husband only what exact words he used to have sex with me. I just wanted communication with this man on the topics of common interests - cooking. Thats it. I am unable to wipe off that admiration I built up for over 1.5 years for this man, though I understand his intentions now. I also know he could be having multiple affairs and Im old and not very beautiful so wondering why he wanted to have sex with me in the first place. Your may judge me as you want to, call me names. I doesnt matter because you dont know me in person.


You are the kind of prey he is looking for.
You are not 100% sure of youself, calling yourself old and not good looking.
You are infatuated and vulnerable at the same time. 
An easy kill for a fling. And who knows what lengths you will be ready to Go to please him sexually after he battered down what little resistance you would have been ablento muster. You are desperate for his attention or so he thinks.
That was His thinking and his onslaught on your dignity.

By telling your man you hindered his approach in you. Something he didn't antisipate I believe.
But you still try to protect him. 
Ask yourself why is that?
For the Chef you were beautiful enough to try and sway you into a sexual affair.

And don't Kid yourself. You are a human being. You need Sex. It's your primal motivator. From nature's Perspektive that is all we are here for. To procreate. Everyhing else, your ability to reason and see the wrong and right in certain Things, the ability to relate rational to others is what makes us different fom a common animals we all are deep inside.
Use that. Is your husband good to you? Do you Love him? Does he make you feel loved and needed? Can he make you Laugh?
I am in my 50's now and my wife will be 50 in a few months. And Boy, do I have a Party in store for her.
We love us passionately. To the point our daughter was so embarrassed with us, she jokingly told us to get a rooms, when we we're kissing in the street.
You are 48? And you say you need no Sex and affection? ****, These are Red Flags waved by Red Flags. Everyone needs romantic affection. 
This man however is neither affection nor a friend. He is a Predator on the hunt.
Whatever you decide elsewhere, this man is poison.

Shut him Out of your life and have a very, very serious talk to your husband. He needs to care more for you in the little Things that make our lives Worth it.
You are unfullfilled and try to cope with it by telling yourself you don't need romance and Sex and affection. Your Posts ooze out your unfullfillment with every Line.
Your from India, right? Your people have written the bible (Kamasutra) on Sex, ffs. Use that knowledge. I presume you are Hindu or at least related? Kama is one of the Lifegoals. Artha you seem to have achieved. Dharma also. You were virtuos and you still are even in the face of this Challenge.
Moksha will come to you in it's own if you are able to sway your husband to become the best man to you he can be. And He will Love you for it. 

Adress this with your husband. And in No uncertain terms.

I wish you the best of luck.

Hope you find your way.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

sleeping_sandman said:


> You are the kind of prey he is looking for.
> You are not 100% sure of youself, calling yourself old and not good looking.
> You are infatuated and vulnerable at the same time.
> An easy kill for a fling. And who knows what lengths you will be ready to Go to please him sexually after he battered down what little resistance you would have been ablento muster. You are desperate for his attention or so he thinks.
> ...


Wow, how would you know so much about Hindu philosophy? simply wow !!
Oh, I gave up on being romantic I guess. You are right. I dont consider myself very beautiful but every single guy I meet says it. I am now really fed up of hearing that. I want to be admired for so many other things that I own. I have no friends and since I quit my job I have lost touch with colleagues too. My husband is more a friend to me than a husband. We do try to rekindle the spark but never tried seriously. I am really so angry with myself for getting into this rut from where Im unable to come out. I am trying every day not to message him and it has been 10 days since I sent any message to him. Of course he wouldnt care. My busy husband makes sure to take time to discuss it with me about this and also suggested therapy. While I agree that therapy is what I need, Im so ashamed, hurt to tell the entire story to a stranger. I know they dont judge me but Im too exhausted. I cry the whole day cursing myself for opening up so much with this Chef. I was so stupidly telling him in audio messages ( some 15) about my dreams, my achievement, my passion, my family, what not! I made a total fool of myself. Reading all your responses is making me feel so shamed of myself. I could have advised the same and in an equally confident way to someone in my situation but Im not able to tell the same to myself. I want to rewind my life back to 3 back months. I am a Gold medalist in mathematics but a total failure in life. I never had any boyfriends( before marriage) and it was an arranged marriage and luckily I got a husband who understands me. But for how long? I dont know. I was never been in such a situation before, my husband is the only guy who even touched me. I was busy working and raising my kid, taking care of husband. I dont know why I fell into this admiration thing from where I am unable to come out. 
But thanks to your kind words.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RiaMishra said:


> Thanks Everyone for your frank and kind responses and taking time to respond to a stranger. I want to add a few points here after going through your responses:
> 
> 1. I am not naive, I never said I was innocent. I did understand what he meant on tnhe day 2 of the interaction. Yes, I didnot stop him from continuing because I truly truly admired his knowledge, his skills , the way people talked about him, his generosity towards his colleagues. I saw all this closely in 1.5 years of visitng the hotel monthly and also from social media (linkedin etc). I had this HUGEEEEEE admiration for him though I never spoke to him directly.
> 2. One of you has said that I was craving for his attention and pissed off with him for not showing too much. THat is so wrong. Yes, I was really overwhelmed when he wanted to talk to me, I actually hero worshipped him silently. When he told me that he wants me as a 'partner, companion and friend', yes yes yes I was extremley happy to overlook the words partner, companion and craved for friendship.
> ...


So you are already having an emotional affair and behaving unfaithfully to your marriage. You are protecting him from your husband. If he loved his wife and kids he would not be trying to bed other women. He is using his status as a tool to get into women's panties.

You keep it up. You WILL end up in his bed, by your actions, you can't help yourself. It will happen. Put the emotional energy you are wasting on this man, back into your husband, like a faithful wife would, and your marriage might get back to what it once was.

Don't delete anything and let hubby read all your messages with this POS.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RiaMishra said:


> I also mentioned that Im not a romantic either. I dont want romance or sex. I cant put in efforts to be romantic at this age. Im too tired. I am very very clear about that right from the beginning. My husband knows it too that is why I could tell him everything. I didnot tell my husband only what exact words he used to have sex with me. I just wanted communication with this man on the topics of common interests - cooking. Thats it. I am unable to wipe off that admiration I built up for over 1.5 years for this man, though I understand his intentions now. I also know he could be having multiple affairs and Im old and not very beautiful so wondering why he wanted to have sex with me in the first place. Your may judge me as you want to, call me names. I doesnt matter because you dont know me in person.


He chooses women like you because a younger girl would want more and end up blowing up his marriage. An older woman would be more prone to sexual hookups and nothing more. You were just one of the flys in his web.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Wow, how would you know so much about Hindu philosophy? simply wow !!
> Oh, I gave up on being romantic I guess. You are right. I dont consider myself very beautiful but every single guy I meet says it. I am now really fed up of hearing that. I want to be admired for so many other things that I own. I have no friends and since I quit my job I have lost touch with colleagues too. My husband is more a friend to me than a husband. We do try to rekindle the spark but never tried seriously. I am really so angry with myself for getting into this rut from where Im unable to come out. I am trying every day not to message him and it has been 10 days since I sent any message to him. Of course he wouldnt care. My busy husband makes sure to take time to discuss it with me about this and also suggested therapy. While I agree that therapy is what I need, Im so ashamed, hurt to tell the entire story to a stranger. I know they dont judge me but Im too exhausted. I cry the whole day cursing myself for opening up so much with this Chef. I was so stupidly telling him in audio messages ( some 15) about my dreams, my achievement, my passion, my family, what not! I made a total fool of myself. Reading all your responses is making me feel so shamed of myself. I could have advised the same and in an equally confident way to someone in my situation but Im not able to tell the same to myself. I want to rewind my life back to 3 back months. I am a Gold medalist in mathematics but a total failure in life. I never had any boyfriends( before marriage) and it was an arranged marriage and luckily I got a husband who understands me. But for how long? I dont know. I was never been in such a situation before, my husband is the only guy who even touched me. I was busy working and raising my kid, taking care of husband. I dont know why I fell into this admiration thing from where I am unable to come out.
> But thanks to your kind words.


STOP
Stop torturing yourself. Did you make a mistake in confiding in this man?
Sure. Are you in an emotional affair?
Possibly.
Get your man to listen to your Feelings and hurts.
Use your womanhood fornthis one time. Be vulnerable. Let him know you are.
Let him know that you need him. He doesn't seem to realise what you are telling him.
You tell him about Chef and His behaviour, but not all of it.
THIS is your mistake, not the Things before. They were only the way for you to wake Up.
NOTHING hads happen so far apart from some stupid Texts.
You re not the one in need of counselling, you both are.
Your man is imprisoned in your society's prception of man and woman. Snap him out of it.
I know, India can be infuriatingly backwards especially for a Woman with your intelligence. But your husband is an intelligent man. Use your reason and your intelligence on him. Maybe eben go back and find a Job to build up your selfesteem again.
He wasnt against you working once. Why should He now?
And by the way, do you have a Pan? Smack some Sense in him with it. Proverbially of course. Men are slow sometimes. We so Not get hints, especially If we are not expecting them. Blunt force works Wonders.
And break the boundaries of your own society prison. You are talking Like a washer woman married away by their parents not like a math professor. You are not old India. You are modern India.
And stop lowering yourself. You are intelligent, a mother and reasonably faithful wife. A Professor of ****ing mathematics. I can barely go beyond plus minus and traditional calculation. You are told many Times you are beautiful. Start believing the good things you are told. And get the hubby being a horndog for you again. You deserve all that and more. You Just need to Take it
Oh, and rekindle your romantic side. You are from Bollywood country. You can do this.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

sleeping_sandman said:


> STOP
> Stop torturing yourself. Did you make a mistake in confiding in this man?
> Sure. Are you in an emotional affair?
> Possibly.
> ...


 Omg, thanks so much. Im surprised to see so many of you actually bothered to read and reply the longest essay I ever wrote but so many typos and shame. Yes, my husband is a really kind man, very very upright morally ( I have been the same till now), extremely hardworking, a total family man, working day and night to provide us with 3 houses while still trying to spend quality time with me since my daughter is away. I have no reason to blame him for whatever mess I am in except that he has hardly any 'quantity time' to sit and talk things. I dont anyone even the chef, actually. If I had told him to get lost on the very first day, I would not have been writing all this. I just could not. I am trying to slowly come to terms with facts but right now I dont want to immediately jump to rekindle my romantic life with husband. I simply cant do it right now. I need to heal, come out of this mess. My only regret and anger is that I REALLY BELEIVED WHEN THE CHEF said he wanted me as a friend too and believed in knowledge-sharing too. Since he works 14 hours a day and a super busy man, I recorded the audios and sent him. I sound so stupid when I listen to them now. SO so stupid, just kept talking away telling him all about me, my education etc., as if he wanted to listen to all that. Im so so ashamed. Also I sent him so many texts begging him to talk to me once but he never did. I cant believe he is the same guy who said he is fascinated not only by my looks but also by my education. Except for my male colleagues and school friends, I never interacted with any men. I took a bold and stupid step for the first time in my life and it turned out to be a nightmare.
Also, my husband never stopped me from working. He is the one who encouraged me to work, helped me with the kid, when she was younger when no one else from family came to help me. I still work ( now for free), I keep myself busy. But the last 3 months changed my entire life, my state of mind, my thoughts, my every damn thing.
I dont know if I can rekindle my love-life with my husband in a Bollywood style but I did once when were newly married and my husband was super happy with me always as a wife, as a partner in bed too. Im not at all sure if he would from now, after my disclosure. 
Thanks so much for your response.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

I have seldom met anyone so naive. Not saying that to be mean, but your post is so full of contradictions that you seem of which you seem completely unaware:
Chef is a good man, loves his wife and kids...but he propositions a married woman.
All you want is friendship... but you reveal all this personal stuff in such short order.
You love your husband but he is just like a friend.
Just want friendship, but are so over the top disappointed that the guy is no longer interested once sex was taken off the table. Bright in math but unable to connect the dots here.
Claiming to feel old and unattractive, yet fully aware that many men are attracted. Again, while having good intellectual capabilities. 
Surely, having observed how other people act in your 47 years , you must realize that your feelings and actions are nothing like those of someone interested in friendship and cooking tips.
Again, not to be mean, but do you think it is possible you may be on the autism spectrum. You have a good intellect, but seem very undeveloped emotionally, very unsophisticated. I have a family member like this, and so it occurred to me.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Omg, thanks so much. Im surprised to see so many of you actually bothered to read and reply the longest essay I ever wrote but so many typos and shame. Yes, my husband is a really kind man, very very upright morally ( I have been the same till now), extremely hardworking, a total family man, working day and night to provide us with 3 houses while still trying to spend quality time with me since my daughter is away. I have no reason to blame him for whatever mess I am in except that he has hardly any 'quantity time' to sit and talk things. I dont anyone even the chef, actually. If I had told him to get lost on the very first day, I would not have been writing all this. I just could not. I am trying to slowly come to terms with facts but right now I dont want to immediately jump to rekindle my romantic life with husband. I simply cant do it right now. I need to heal, come out of this mess. My only regret and anger is that I REALLY BELEIVED WHEN THE CHEF said he wanted me as a friend too and believed in knowledge-sharing too. Since he works 14 hours a day and a super busy man, I recorded the audios and sent him. I sound so stupid when I listen to them now. SO so stupid, just kept talking away telling him all about me, my education etc., as if he wanted to listen to all that. Im so so ashamed. Also I sent him so many texts begging him to talk to me once but he never did. I cant believe he is the same guy who said he is fascinated not only by my looks but also by my education. Except for my male colleagues and school friends, I never interacted with any men. I took a bold and stupid step for the first time in my life and it turned out to be a nightmare.
> Also, my husband never stopped me from working. He is the one who encouraged me to work, helped me with the kid, when she was younger when no one else from family came to help me. I still work ( now for free), I keep myself busy. But the last 3 months changed my entire life, my state of mind, my thoughts, my every damn thing.
> I dont know if I can rekindle my love-life with my husband in a Bollywood style but I did once when were newly married and my husband was super happy with me always as a wife, as a partner in bed too. Im not at all sure if he would from now, after my disclosure.
> Thanks so much for your response.


May I ask a question?
Why domyou have three houses?
Tone down to two with him.
He should be able to Cut Back on his Work.
BOOM
More time for you two 😉😊
Oh and by the way: Try to rekindle. You might be surprised what He will do for you for being the Faithfull wife your are


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Thanks Everyone for your frank and kind responses and taking time to respond to a stranger. I want to add a few points here after going through your responses:
> 
> 1. I am not naive, I never said I was innocent. I did understand what he meant on tnhe day 2 of the interaction. Yes, I didnot stop him from continuing because I truly truly admired his knowledge, his skills , the way people talked about him, his generosity towards his colleagues. I saw all this closely in 1.5 years of visitng the hotel monthly and also from social media (linkedin etc). I had this HUGEEEEEE admiration for him though I never spoke to him directly.
> 2. One of you has said that I was craving for his attention and pissed off with him for not showing too much. THat is so wrong. Yes, I was really overwhelmed when he wanted to talk to me, I actually hero worshipped him silently. When he told me that he wants me as a 'partner, companion and friend', yes yes yes I was extremley happy to overlook the words partner, companion and craved for friendship.
> ...


No matter how you try to explain things it all comes down to one thing. You are already in an emotional affair with this man. 

Your husband should know absolutely everything and he should go to the hotel about it. You highly revered chef is not a good man and does not love his wife and family as a faithful husband should. You watched this guy lie right in front of you and your husband, yet you still believe everything he says. You are so deep in the "fog" of the affair that you don't even see. Here's the thing you don't seem to see. This man has no interest in you for anything other than sex, nothing else. He doesn't want a friend, but he knows that is what would hook you based on all your fawning over him. He has made his intentions clear. After multiple refusals for sex he stopped interacting with you, yet you can't take the hint. I bet you want to be "friends" so badly that you might even consider sleeping with him. That is where you are headed. You will do anything to be friends with him. You've made that crystal clear. 

If you respect your husband you will tell him everything and let him decide what to do about telling the hotel, no influence from you on that decision. You should cut all ties with the OM including blocking him on all social media. Anything less and you are still in an affair mode and disrespecting you husband and your marriage.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> I have seldom met anyone so naive. Not saying that to be mean, but your post is so full of contradictions that you seem of which you seem completely unaware:
> Chef is a good man, loves his wife and kids...but he propositions a married woman.
> All you want is friendship... but you reveal all this personal stuff in such short order.
> You love your husband but he is just like a friend.
> ...


You arent being mean. Perhaps I do have some issues which I never knew myself.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No matter how you try to explain things it all comes down to one thing. You are already in an emotional affair with this man.
> 
> Your husband should know absolutely everything and he should go to the hotel about it. You highly revered chef is not a good man and does not love his wife and family as a faithful husband should. You watched this guy lie right in front of you and your husband, yet you still believe everything he says. You are so deep in the "fog" of the affair that you don't even see. Here's the thing you don't seem to see. This man has no interest in you for anything other than sex, nothing else. He doesn't want a friend, but he knows that is what would hook you based on all your fawning over him. He has made his intentions clear. After multiple refusals for sex he stopped interacting with you, yet you can't take the hint. I bet you want to be "friends" so badly that you might even consider sleeping with him. That is where you are headed. You will do anything to be friends with him. You've made that crystal clear.
> 
> If you respect your husband you will tell him everything and let him decide what to do about telling the hotel, no influence from you on that decision. You should cut all ties with the OM including blocking him on all social media. Anything less and you are still in an affair mode and disrespecting you husband and your marriage.


Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there. 
What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No matter how you try to explain things it all comes down to one thing. You are already in an emotional affair with this man.
> 
> Your husband should know absolutely everything and he should go to the hotel about it. You highly revered chef is not a good man and does not love his wife and family as a faithful husband should. You watched this guy lie right in front of you and your husband, yet you still believe everything he says. You are so deep in the "fog" of the affair that you don't even see. Here's the thing you don't seem to see. This man has no interest in you for anything other than sex, nothing else. He doesn't want a friend, but he knows that is what would hook you based on all your fawning over him. He has made his intentions clear. After multiple refusals for sex he stopped interacting with you, yet you can't take the hint. I bet you want to be "friends" so badly that you might even consider sleeping with him. That is where you are headed. You will do anything to be friends with him. You've made that crystal clear.
> 
> If you respect your husband you will tell him everything and let him decide what to do about telling the hotel, no influence from you on that decision. You should cut all ties with the OM including blocking him on all social media. Anything less and you are still in an affair mode and disrespecting you husband and your marriage.


Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there.
What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there.
> What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


Ok, I'm not much of the advice giver.. let alone read when there's so much text.. I keep seeing WHY in your responses.. How about this?? WHAT can I do to improve my relationship with my husband? HOW? WE... This guy is in your head and you can't see anything else right now. I will never understand how a wife who is immensely loved by her spouse can allow someone to weasel their way in when they pretty much have it all so to speak. I know things aren't always great, but how about starting with yourself?! WHY am I allowing this?


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

sleeping_sandman said:


> May I ask a question?
> Why domyou have three houses?
> Tone down to two with him.
> He should be able to Cut Back on his Work.
> ...


Yes we invested in three houses as we wouldn't get any pension after retirement. We of course stay in only one house. Yes, husband is planning to slow down on my request once he turns 55 in a couple of years. I want him to just reite and enjoy our remaining life as we are well-off. You are right and I take your sarcasm in a positive way.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Megaforce said:


> I have seldom met anyone so naive. Not saying that to be mean, but your post is so full of contradictions that you seem of which you seem completely unaware:
> Chef is a good man, loves his wife and kids...but he propositions a married woman.
> All you want is friendship... but you reveal all this personal stuff in such short order.
> You love your husband but he is just like a friend.
> ...


^^^This^^^^

Throw in she searched for a site on the internet, found TAM, and of all the sections she could have posted in she put it in the "coping with infidelity" section.

She just wants this guys "friendship"? Yeah pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

sideways said:


> ^^^This^^^^
> 
> Throw in she searched for a site on the internet, found TAM, and of all the sections she could have posted in she put it in the "coping with infidelity" section.
> 
> She just wants this guys "friendship"? Yeah pull my other leg and it plays jingle bells.


and I have been proven right. Everyone here agree that I am in an emotional affair. So I did post in a relevant forum.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Works said:


> Ok, I'm not much of the advice giver.. let alone read when there's so much text.. I keep seeing WHY in your responses.. How about this?? WHAT can I do to improve my relationship with my husband? HOW? WE... This guy is in your head and you can't see anything else right now. I will never understand how a wife who is immensely loved by her spouse can allow someone to weasel their way in when they pretty much have it all so to speak. I know things aren't always great, but how about starting with yourself?! WHY am I allowing this?


I agree. You need not read or reply. You can simply ignore.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there.
> What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


I can't say for sure why he did what he did, I'm not in his mind. My best guess is your words, tone and body language must have been screaming to him that you were interested in him. And if the praise you gave him once you started talking is anything like what you posted here you made it crystal clear that you wanted to form a relationship with him. People are willing to risk EVERYTHING to get laid. It happens all the time. People regularly blow up their marriages, families and careers for sex. It doesn't matter if they live in the ghetto or are the president of a country. 

He wanted you to use WhatsApp because it is encrypted and secure. He wanted you to call him first so he had a way to say you initiated things by calling him first. Don't be confused by his risk taking. I bet he does it frequently and picks target he thinks are least likely to tell or that he can control. He was right for picking you. Look at how you are actually protecting him, even from your own husband. 

I still think you are lying to yourself about not wanting this to go sexual. Your comments and reluctance to cut ties indicate that you are excited and intrigued by his sexual advances. Do you feel you are in love with this man?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there.
> What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


Because he read your body language...All men know the easy mark


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I can't say for sure why he did what he did, I'm not in his mind. My best guess is your words, tone and body language must have been screaming to him that you were interested in him. And if the praise you gave him once you started talking is anything like what you posted here you made it crystal clear that you wanted to form a relationship with him. People are willing to risk EVERYTHING to get laid. It happens all the time. People regularly blow up their marriages, families and careers for sex. It doesn't matter if they live in the ghetto or are the president of a country.
> 
> He wanted you to use WhatsApp because it is encrypted and secure. He wanted you to call him first so he had a way to say you initiated things by calling him first. Don't be confused by his risk taking. I bet he does it frequently and picks target he thinks are least likely to tell or that he can control. He was right for picking you. Look at how you are actually protecting him, even from your own husband.
> 
> I still think you are lying to yourself about not wanting this to go sexual. Your comments and reluctance to cut ties indicate that you are excited and intrigued by his sexual advances. Do you feel you are in love with this man?


No, as I said earlier, IM NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING ANYTHING SEXUAL with anyone !!! I dont understand why nobody is getting that. I cant imagine myself having sex with him. I admired his skills, I really respected him so much as an executive chef who won so many awards and medals not only for his culinary skills but also for being the most adored chef of the year, most loved chef of the year ant so on ... I always wanted his association to share our common interests and his knowledge in and talent in culinary world. That's all I wanted always since the day I met him. Why is it so difficult to trust that someone can be like me? Why? That is why I overlooked his advances ( though I understood what he wanted) in a hope that he would understand what I want and agree for a healthy friendship. That is the reason why I sent him audio messages explaining what I wanted. That is why I could even disclose and discuss all this with my husband before I could even post here. I am really unable to accept that he doesnot want me a friend and want me only for sex ! Why would he not want me as a friend is something that I am not able to get. He must be having many girls in his life anyway so what is his problem in making a distant association? It is not like Im going to daily text him and call him. I told him that I would exchange things related to cooking, wish on special occasions etc., That is all I wanted. HE SAID YES TO THAT !
Even to this day, he likes my posts on Instagram but refuses to acknowledge anything else (related to food) I send on whats app. If he cant have sex with me, am I not worthy to be his friend? Why? When he has so so many friends why cant he add one more friend in his life with whom he can chat very very occasionally?


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Because he read your body language...All men know the easy mark


Impossible. I wear extremely modest clothing, I never initiated any conversation with him EVER, I never even went close to him to talk. Not even once. I was always, always with my husband even when I went to fill my plate with food. The chef saw me only during breakfast time. I never had lunch when my hubby is away at work. I never came out of the room till my husband was back from work ( except going to the gym). Dinner we always ordered to the room. So there is no way he could analyse my body language , which was anyway, quite proper.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there.
> What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


He approached you because you are attractive, he wants me with you, he has no morals, and, I suspect as others do, that you gave him signs of interest. 
I was good looking when young. I was a virgin until marriage. I knew when someone was hitting on me and I am, probably, nowhere near as smart as you. Absent some sort of deficit, it seems beyond belief that you think all you were interested in was friendship. It also defies credulity that you think a good, moral man propositions maried women, or that he would be interested in mere friendship and giving cooking advice.
You really need to be honest with yourself. I am not sure what purpose it serves to act as if you are unaware of these things. No one believes it and you come off as disingenuous. Anyone getting compliments on a regular basis from men knows she is attractive. 
Again, if you have Asperger's or something, maybe.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

If you merely admired his cooking skill, or just wanted friendship, why all the disclosure about personal things while the relationship was inchoate? 
Early disclosure of personal info is very common in borderlines. It is said to be one of the huge red flags for this condition. Same with the obsession, and pursuit.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> He approached you because you are attractive, he wants me with you, he has no morals, and, I suspect as others do, that you gave him signs of interest.
> I was good looking when young. I was a virgin until marriage. I knew when someone was hitting on me and I am, probably, nowhere near as smart as you. Absent some sort of deficit, it seems beyond belief that you think all you were interested in was friendship. It also defies credulity that you think a good, moral man propositions maried women, or that he would be interested in mere friendship and giving cooking advice.
> You really need to be honest with yourself. I am not sure what purpose it serves to act as if you are unaware of these things. No one believes it and you come off as disingenuous. Anyone getting compliments on a regular basis from men knows she is attractive.
> Again, if you have Asperger's or something, maybe.


He stays away from his family, alone. A man who works for 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, living all alone perhaps is entitled to live his life the way he wants to. Im no one to judge him and I need not have to, am not his wife or a lover. I also dont know how things are between his wife and him. I never felt the need to ask his personal details. I was least interested in the number of women who is having sex with. All I wanted was a health association because he himself said that he wanted to discuss 'knowledge' with me. And I wanted to learn from him as well. Still shocked to know that all the respect he showed me is gone in a moment when I said no to sex. More so when he must be getting enough from various sources.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> If you merely admired his cooking skill, or just wanted friendship, why all the disclosure about personal things while the relationship was inchoate?
> Early disclosure of personal info is very common in borderlines. It is said to be one of the huge red flags for this condition. Same with the obsession, and pursuit.


He wanted to know more about me, where I come from, my hobbies, education, interests. Since he is very busy I thought I would leave audio messages so he would know more about me. Yes, I did disclose all about me, my education, family, background etc., like how anyone does when trying to become friends.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> He approached you because you are attractive, he wants me with you, he has no morals, and, I suspect as others do, that you gave him signs of interest.
> I was good looking when young. I was a virgin until marriage. I knew when someone was hitting on me and I am, probably, nowhere near as smart as you. Absent some sort of deficit, it seems beyond belief that you think all you were interested in was friendship. It also defies credulity that you think a good, moral man propositions maried women, or that he would be interested in mere friendship and giving cooking advice.
> You really need to be honest with yourself. I am not sure what purpose it serves to act as if you are unaware of these things. No one believes it and you come off as disingenuous. Anyone getting compliments on a regular basis from men knows she is attractive.
> Again, if you have Asperger's or something, maybe.


I dont rule out the fact that I could be having some issues. May not be Aspergers but something is surely wrong with me as you mentioned. Thank you.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> He stays away from his family, alone. A man who works for 14 hours a day, 7 days a week, living all alone perhaps is entitled to live his life the way he wants to. Im no one to judge him and I need not have to, am not his wife or a lover. I also dont know how things are between his wife and him. I never felt the need to ask his personal details. I was least interested in the number of women who is having sex with. All I wanted was a health association because he himself said that he wanted to discuss 'knowledge' with me. And I wanted to learn from him as well. Still shocked to know that all the respect he showed me is gone in a moment when I said no to sex. More so when he must be getting enough from various sources.


Now wait. You feel working long hours justifies immorality? You have no knowledge of his relationship with his wife, yet believe he is free to have sex with many others? Have you made any inquiries re his arrangement with his wife? Do you feel someone has a gun to his head forcing him to work long hours away from his family? How do you feel about his limited involvement with his wife and kids, his choice to live thisxway.
Look, a chef is not some big time cancer researcher on the verge of a cure breakthrough or an attorney in a murder trial, or emergency room doctor saving folks. These people work hours you describe but a chef? 
This guy chooses this lifestyle because it affords him the opportunity to live like a single man.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RiaMishra said:


> No, as I said earlier, IM NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING ANYTHING SEXUAL with anyone !!! I dont understand why nobody is getting that. I cant imagine myself having sex with him. I admired his skills, I really respected him so much as an executive chef who won so many awards and medals not only for his culinary skills but also for being the most adored chef of the year, most loved chef of the year ant so on ... I always wanted his association to share our common interests and his knowledge in and talent in culinary world. That's all I wanted always since the day I met him. Why is it so difficult to trust that someone can be like me? Why? That is why I overlooked his advances ( though I understood what he wanted) in a hope that he would understand what I want and agree for a healthy friendship. That is the reason why I sent him audio messages explaining what I wanted. That is why I could even disclose and discuss all this with my husband before I could even post here. I am really unable to accept that he doesnot want me a friend and want me only for sex ! Why would he not want me as a friend is something that I am not able to get. He must be having many girls in his life anyway so what is his problem in making a distant association? It is not like Im going to daily text him and call him. I told him that I would exchange things related to cooking, wish on special occasions etc., That is all I wanted. HE SAID YES TO THAT !
> Even to this day, he likes my posts on Instagram but refuses to acknowledge anything else (related to food) I send on whats app. If he cant have sex with me, am I not worthy to be his friend? Why? When he has so so many friends why cant he add one more friend in his life with whom he can chat very very occasionally?


He does.not.want. Your friendship. He wants to have sex with you. He has made his point PERFECTLY clear. I have to wonder about your mental health if you refuse to accept such plain and obvious communication. 

You sound creepy and obsessive… do you not see that??? Please get therapy. You’re willing to share your innermost thoughts with a man who has no interest in them, but you can’t go see a professional who actually will listen and help you??? Make an appointment. Today.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Now wait. You feel working long hours justifies immorality? You have no knowledge of his relationship with his wife, yet believe he is free to have sex with many others? Have you made any inquiries re his arrangement with his wife? Do you feel someone has a gun to his head forcing him to work long hours away from his family? How do you feel about his limited involvement with his wife and kids, his choice to live thisxway.
> Look, a chef is not some big time cancer researcher on the verge of a cure breakthrough or an attorney in a murder trial, or emergency room doctor saving folks. These people work hours you describe but a chef?
> This guy chooses this lifestyle because it affords him the opportunity to live like a single man.


I totally agree with you that staying alone doesnt give anyone a license to cheat. My husband and I stayed away from each other even when we are younger but never ever got tempted to cheat on each other. My husband, being a man, is extremely respected by all his female colleagues, he is morally upright, takes pride in being so and calls himself a 'dad of a daughter' when I tease him why he doesnt ever flirts with women. But then I always supported his career, his dreams, took care of his parents, raised my kid, worked hard, earned a lot, saved a lot and was there whenever he needed me. But the same need not be the case with the Chef. I didnot do any research about his relationship with his wife. But you are right, he need not be that busy as a chef but from I what saw during my stay there, he would come at 8 am and leave only after midnight. he worked really hard, was known to be extremely dedicated to his work, all his associates adored him. He has a superb reputation at the hotel for being extremely devoted to his job. His passion and devotion to his work really made me admire him but I never said that to him ofcourse, no one does that. I did say once we started talking. I told him how awesome he is as a chef. I never thought that admiration of mine would make him want to sleep with me. Really, a man who is so successful in career and loved by all can be like this?


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> He does.not.want. Your friendship. He wants to have sex with you. He has made his point PERFECTLY clear. I have to wonder about your mental health if you refuse to accept such plain and obvious communication.
> 
> You sound creepy and obsessive… do you not see that??? Please get therapy. You’re willing to share your innermost thoughts with a man who has no interest in them, but you can’t go see a professional who actually will listen and help you??? Make an appointment. Today.


He said he wants my friendship . He said he wants to share interests and knowledge. He still likes my posts on Instagram. He didnot block me from anywhere. He just that he doesnot respond to my texts about cooking on whats app unless I send 10 messages. So he isn't acting like a friend after I said no to sex.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> IM NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING ANYTHING SEXUAL with anyone !!! I dont understand why nobody is getting that.


Your words say that but your actions show someone who is infatuated and well on their way to a sexual affair and trying to justify it.



RiaMishra said:


> I am really unable to accept that he does not want me a friend and want me only for sex !


He wants an easy piece of ass.
When it got the least bit difficult he ghosted you.
He's not going to put in but so much effort and he did that and hit his limit.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> He said he wants my friendship . He said he wants to share interests and knowledge. He still likes my posts on Instagram. He didnot block me from anywhere. He just that he doesnot respond to my texts about cooking on whats app unless I send 10 messages. So he isn't acting like a friend after I said no to sex.


You are smart, right? What conclusion do you draw from your last sentence? This is not astrophysics.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RiaMishra said:


> He said he wants my friendship . He said he wants to share interests and knowledge. He still likes my posts on Instagram. He didnot block me from anywhere. He just that he doesnot respond to my texts about cooking on whats app unless I send 10 messages. So he isn't acting like a friend after I said no to sex.


As I said. Perfectly clear. Let me say it yet again, because it’s crystal clear to everyone but you.


He doesn’t like you. 
He wants to have sex with you a couple times. THATS IT.
He doesn’t want to be your friend. 

Stop chasing him. Stop calling him. Stop sending him “voice texts” about your life. Remove him from your life and get help today.


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## sleeping_sandman (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> No, as I said earlier, IM NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING ANYTHING SEXUAL with anyone !!! I dont understand why nobody is getting that. I cant imagine myself having sex with him. I admired his skills, I really respected him so much as an executive chef who won so many awards and medals not only for his culinary skills but also for being the most adored chef of the year, most loved chef of the year ant so on ... I always wanted his association to share our common interests and his knowledge in and talent in culinary world. That's all I wanted always since the day I met him. Why is it so difficult to trust that someone can be like me? Why? That is why I overlooked his advances ( though I understood what he wanted) in a hope that he would understand what I want and agree for a healthy friendship. That is the reason why I sent him audio messages explaining what I wanted. That is why I could even disclose and discuss all this with my husband before I could even post here. I am really unable to accept that he doesnot want me a friend and want me only for sex ! Why would he not want me as a friend is something that I am not able to get. He must be having many girls in his life anyway so what is his problem in making a distant association? It is not like Im going to daily text him and call him. I told him that I would exchange things related to cooking, wish on special occasions etc., That is all I wanted. HE SAID YES TO THAT !
> Even to this day, he likes my posts on Instagram but refuses to acknowledge anything else (related to food) I send on whats app. If he cant have sex with me, am I not worthy to be his friend? Why? When he has so so many friends why cant he add one more friend in his life with whom he can chat very very occasionally?


And I need to chime in again.
I think you are mistaken here by yourself. Your conscious you may think this. But your unconscious slef sends different signals to the world. Otherweise chef wouldnt had Made his move in the first place.
My wife would, at the first glance of anything other then nicities from him shut him down. And she would have told me. All of it. The moment it turned sexual from him and you didn't shut him down the path ahead was paved.
What held you back is are the Moral values you had internalised from earliest youth. The standards of your society in regards to women, etc.
That was what I meant when I said 'what little resistance you will show will be overwhelmed..' remember?
Everything you do here is getting defnsive. That Shows that somewhere in you you know the truth. You are still defending him in another post. Living alone and what not.
Search your Soul for the truth. Make Peace with yourself. You are so conflicted becaue what you desire (Not the Guy, the Idea behind it all) is in direct conflict to what you believe is true and good and moral.
Your Feelings, your subconscieous don't Match with your moral compass.
That is what Messing you up.
You want to be free and want to pursue some of the more risque Things in live, all the while your conscious you tells you the Stories of all the immoral women you Heard gossip about all your live.
That is Messing you up.
And the fact that your own husband is not reacting. He seems to be completely content with everything you tell him or follows your advice indiscriminatly for whatever reason.
My wife was approached some years ago in her Gym. Nice Guy, totally fine. They had fun time working out together. Then one day he make invited her to a Party. She Said, cool, Bring my Guy around. He Said No, that is not what he meant. Over that second. Told me about it (she told me about him from the very beginning and their Training Sessions). He tried again later. Wife told him himto knock it Off. He didn't. So I had a Heart to Heart talk with him. He understood very clearly. Years in the Army of my country and being deployed to warzone can do this.
Never heard If him again, changed Gyms I think.
You and hubby in the other hand....
Search your Soul. I think you will find the answer, and be prepared, you might not like ike what you find.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> No, as I said earlier, IM NOT INTERESTED IN HAVING ANYTHING SEXUAL with anyone !!! I dont understand why nobody is getting that. I cant imagine myself having sex with him. I admired his skills, I really respected him so much as an executive chef who won so many awards and medals not only for his culinary skills but also for being the most adored chef of the year, most loved chef of the year ant so on ... I always wanted his association to share our common interests and his knowledge in and talent in culinary world. That's all I wanted always since the day I met him. Why is it so difficult to trust that someone can be like me? Why? That is why I overlooked his advances ( though I understood what he wanted) in a hope that he would understand what I want and agree for a healthy friendship. That is the reason why I sent him audio messages explaining what I wanted. That is why I could even disclose and discuss all this with my husband before I could even post here. I am really unable to accept that he doesnot want me a friend and want me only for sex ! Why would he not want me as a friend is something that I am not able to get. He must be having many girls in his life anyway so what is his problem in making a distant association? It is not like Im going to daily text him and call him. I told him that I would exchange things related to cooking, wish on special occasions etc., That is all I wanted. HE SAID YES TO THAT !
> Even to this day, he likes my posts on Instagram but refuses to acknowledge anything else (related to food) I send on whats app. If he cant have sex with me, am I not worthy to be his friend? Why? When he has so so many friends why cant he add one more friend in his life with whom he can chat very very occasionally?


"I am really unable to accept that he doesn't want me as a friend and wants me only for sex"??

Seriously WHY can't you accept this??

What makes you special that some piece of $h!t man (or any man) would want to be with you for one reason and one reason only......sex?

You mentioned previously that most men mention your looks. So it appears that you have it in your head that your irresistible to men. Thus why could this chef be declining you even though he's flat out showed you with his actions that the only reason he paid any interest in you was to have sex with you.

So there's your issue. You live in LA LA land where reality says he does NOT want friendship and to sit around discussing recipes and culinary topics with you. He wants to have sex with you.

So you need to get it in your head that not all men think you're so beautiful and would die to have you as a friend.

This isn't that difficult but obvious it is for you and again why you might want to consider getting into therapy to sort through this. You obviously have the time and the $.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> You are smart, right? What conclusion do you draw from your last sentence? This is not astrophysics.


That he doesnt want me as a friend. I get it. I am here wondering why he doesnot want? It may sound crazy to you all but that is why im here asking why he doesnt want my friendship when I am asking even bare minimum in friendship too and when he ahs many followers/guests as friends and with whom he shares 'knowledge' and not sex. Why sex with me and friendship with others?


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I have a bridge for sale. 🫣


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

sideways said:


> "I am really unable to accept that he doesn't want me as a friend and wants me only for sex"??
> 
> Seriously WHY can't you accept this??
> 
> ...


What does beauty have to do with friendship? I surely dont think all men find me irresistible. In fact I am quite surprised that this chef , who is exposed to beautiful models and air hostesses on a daily basis, would be remotely attracted a 47 year old housewife


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> That he doesnt want me as a friend. I get it. I am here wondering why he doesnot want? It may sound crazy to you all but that is why im here asking why he doesnt want my friendship when I am asking even bare minimum in friendship too and when he ahs many followers/guests as friends and with whom he shares 'knowledge' and not sex. Why sex with me and friendship with others?


 He's got enough friends. He's just looking for side pieces. *He DOESN'T need more friends.*


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> That he doesnt want me as a friend. I get it. I am here wondering why he doesnot want? It may sound crazy to you all but that is why im here asking why he doesnt want my friendship when I am asking even bare minimum in friendship too and when he ahs many followers/guests as friends and with whom he shares 'knowledge' and not sex. Why sex with me and friendship with others?


Why doesn't he want you as a friend? He doesn't need you as a friend. You aren't interesting enough to him without sex on the table. As you said, he is busy. If you were giving it up to him he may have given you some time to talk to keep you around, but without that you have no value to him. I mean seriously, why would a renowned executive chef want to discuss what's for dinner with a house wife? I know that is harsh, but it is the reality. All he ever wanted was access to your vagina.



RiaMishra said:


> What does beauty have to do with friendship? I surely dont think all men find me irresistible. In fact I am quite surprised that this chef , who is exposed to beautiful models and air hostesses on a daily basis, would be remotely attracted a 47 year old housewife


Again, it was never about the friendship. That was just a means to an end. You were perceived as an easy target that would keep her mouth shut. You know the models, famous people and the hostesses will end up blabbing. You are a married woman living a comfortable life that you would not want to risk losing. He knows this and was taking advantage of the situation.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why doesn't he want you as a friend? He doesn't need you as a friend. You aren't interesting enough to him without sex on the table. As you said, he is busy. If you were giving it up to him he may have given you some time to talk to keep you around, but without that you have no value to him. I mean seriously, why would a renowned executive chef want to discuss what's for dinner with a house wife? I know that is harsh, but it is the reality. All he ever wanted was access to your vagina.
> 
> 
> Again, it was never about the friendship. That was just a means to an end. You were perceived as an easy target that would keep her mouth shut. You know the models, famous people and the hostesses will end up blabbing. You are a married woman living a comfortable life that you would not want to risk losing. He knows this and was taking advantage of the situation.


Please understand that Im NOT ASSUMING that he wanted friendship . HE TOLD ME that he wants me as a 'partner, companion, friend'. Wants to share 'KNOWLEDGE'. These were his words. That is the reason why I continued to talk to him, shared about myself. Only later he made it clear that he wanted BOTH. When I refused to give both, he stopped talking( though he likes my posts on insta and didnot block me on whats app ). Yes, I really trusted him when he said he wants me a friend too. Later I thought I can change his mind but apparently I could not. I tried a lot over a period of 2 months through many calls, texts but failed. I agree with ALL of you when you guys say that he doesn't want me just as a friend. It hurts so much


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Why doesn't he want you as a friend? He doesn't need you as a friend. You aren't interesting enough to him without sex on the table. As you said, he is busy. If you were giving it up to him he may have given you some time to talk to keep you around, but without that you have no value to him. I mean seriously, why would a renowned executive chef want to discuss what's for dinner with a house wife? I know that is harsh, but it is the reality. All he ever wanted was access to your vagina.
> 
> 
> Again, it was never about the friendship. That was just a means to an end. You were perceived as an easy target that would keep her mouth shut. You know the models, famous people and the hostesses will end up blabbing. You are a married woman living a comfortable life that you would not want to risk losing. He knows this and was taking advantage of the situation.


He added many housewives as friends . He discusses food with them as well ( he told me). These ladies are not even college grads. So that makes me wonder why he refused to share at least 'knowledge' with me ( like how he does with other housewives ) as well when he himself said he would.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> I totally agree with you that staying alone doesnt give anyone a license to cheat. My husband and I stayed away from each other even when we are younger but never ever got tempted to cheat on each other. My husband, being a man, is extremely respected by all his female colleagues, he is morally upright, takes pride in being so and calls himself a 'dad of a daughter' when I tease him why he doesnt ever flirts with women. But then I always supported his career, his dreams, took care of his parents, raised my kid, worked hard, earned a lot, saved a lot and was there whenever he needed me. But the same need not be the case with the Chef. I didnot do any research about his relationship with his wife. But you are right, he need not be that busy as a chef but from I what saw during my stay there, he would come at 8 am and leave only after midnight. he worked really hard, was known to be extremely dedicated to his work, all his associates adored him. He has a superb reputation at the hotel for being extremely devoted to his job. His passion and devotion to his work really made me admire him but I never said that to him ofcourse, no one does that. I did say once we started talking. I told him how awesome he is as a chef. I never thought that admiration of mine would make him want to sleep with me. Really, a man who is so successful in career and loved by all can be like this?


How do you know of his " superb reputation " ? How would you know if he is " loved by all"? Have you researched this? Taken a survey? Inquired of every person that knows him?
This smacks of obsession. He is a chef at a hotel, not some world renowned celebrity or celebrated person. Even those folks are not universally admired and loved.
How does a hotel guest have access to so much information about a hotel chef's s reputation and lifestyle? You know his hours, his living arrangement, things about his family. This makes little sense. 
Who told you he is so loved? What makes you think his reputation is so wonderful?​


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Please understand that Im NOT ASSUMING that he wanted friendship . HE TOLD ME that he wants me as a 'partner, companion, friend'. Wants to share 'KNOWLEDGE'. These were his words. That is the reason why I continued to talk to him, shared about myself. Only later he made it clear that he wanted BOTH. When I refused to give both, he stopped talking( though he likes my posts on insta and didnot block me on whats app ). Yes, I really trusted him when he said he wants me a friend too. Later I thought I can change his mind but apparently I could not. I tried a lot over a period of 2 months through many calls, texts but failed. I agree with ALL of you when you guys say that he doesn't want me just as a friend. It hurts so much


A " partner" a" companion?? That borders on creepy. I could not imagine saying this to any p er son, let alone a woman who I was interested in as a friend.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

@RiaMishra Be careful. That man does not want your friendship, he wants to have sex with you and then dump you. If you’re developing feelings for him I suggest you seek medical attention to break out of The Fog. If you have no feelings toward the man, ignore him completely. Change numbers if you need to because if your husband finds out those conversations were taking place and you never told him, he is most likely going to create a big issue for you.

Think about your family.

Believe me, even if you were to have sex the guy, the novelty runs out very quick, and all you are left with is a family in disarray.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

How is he exposed to beautiful models etc.? Isn't he working his ass off in the kitchen, cranking out those inhuman hours?


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> How is he exposed to beautiful models etc.? Isn't he working his ass off in the kitchen, cranking out those inhuman hours?


He follows influencers on Instagram. Some of them visit the hotel for collaboration or something. I think that brings business to the hotel too. Im not sure but he does follow a lot of such girls on Instagram and doesnot hide it as the hotel and the senior management also follows him so they must be seeing who all he follows. He doesnot hide and even comments on pics of random girls.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> A " partner" a" companion?? That borders on creepy. I could not imagine saying this to any p er son, let alone a woman who I was interested in as a friend.


Yes he used those 3 words on the very first day we chatted. I chose to concentrate only on the friend word. My mistake, dont blame him too. Also I didnot ask him what a companion and partner means.. I thought he wanted me to support him in his work or something. What else could it be? Im so confused with those words even till today.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> Please understand that Im NOT ASSUMING that he wanted friendship . HE TOLD ME that he wants me as a 'partner, companion, friend'. Wants to share 'KNOWLEDGE'. These were his words. That is the reason why I continued to talk to him, shared about myself. Only later he made it clear that he wanted BOTH. When I refused to give both, he stopped talking( though he likes my posts on insta and didnot block me on whats app ). Yes, I really trusted him when he said he wants me a friend too. Later I thought I can change his mind but apparently I could not. I tried a lot over a period of 2 months through many calls, texts but failed. I agree with ALL of you when you guys say that he doesn't want me just as a friend. It hurts so much





RiaMishra said:


> He added many housewives as friends . He discusses food with them as well ( he told me). These ladies are not even college grads. So that makes me wonder why he refused to share at least 'knowledge' with me ( like how he does with other housewives ) as well when he himself said he would.


Have you thought much about how this all would make your husband feel? You say it right here that you pursued this man, hard, for months. You say about his rejection, "it hurts so much". You were/are in love with this man. That sure is the way it sounds to me. You may not want sex, of which I'm still not fully convinced, but you craved to talk to this man, to share ideas with him. That sure sounds like being in love, just without the talk of romance. 

Everything he told you was to get you to sleep with him. Him liking your posts on Instagram and not blocking you on WhatsApps is just him keeping the door open. He knows you are infatuated with him and maybe you'll get the itch to let him back in. That is what I think he is doing. And I'll bet a lot of those other housewives got similar propositions. Some may have even taken him up on it. Also, not sure if you even notice it, but you are very conceited. You just said these other women are below you, how could he be interested in talking to them and not me. I think you may have a lot of personality issue that could stand to be sorted out.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RiaMishra said:


> Please understand that Im NOT ASSUMING that he wanted friendship . HE TOLD ME that he wants me as a 'partner, companion, friend'. Wants to share 'KNOWLEDGE'. These were his words. That is the reason why I continued to talk to him, shared about myself. Only later he made it clear that he wanted BOTH. When I refused to give both, he stopped talking( though he likes my posts on insta and didnot block me on whats app ). Yes, I really trusted him when he said he wants me a friend too. Later I thought I can change his mind but apparently I could not. I tried a lot over a period of 2 months through many calls, texts but failed. I agree with ALL of you when you guys say that he doesn't want me just as a friend. It hurts so much


Why does it hurt? You barely know him! My gosh. You know what would actually hurt? Finding out your wife is having an unrequited EA with a chef!


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> How do you know of his " superb reputation " ? How would you know if he is " loved by all"? Have you researched this? Taken a survey? Inquired of every person that knows him?
> This smacks of obsession. He is a chef at a hotel, not some world renowned celebrity or celebrated person. Even those folks are not universally admired and loved.
> How does a hotel guest have access to so much information about a hotel chef's s reputation and lifestyle? You know his hours, his living arrangement, things about his family. This makes little sense.
> Who told you he is so loved? What makes you think his reputation is so wonderful?​


As I said before, his colleagues talk to my husband almost every day at the hotel. His linkedin profile is public, I could watch all the endorsements and feedback he received from guests. Also the google reviews. His awards , pictures on facebook and the comments followed. All are public. Just google his name and everything, including hundereds of his cooking videos come up. I didnot have to do ANY research. About his family, I didnot do any research at all. He mentioned that he stays alone and family in another city. He asked me how his son should go about doing his engineering course and sought my advice about his job opportunities.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

I know that people can have a celebrity crush and the whole idea has never made any sense to me. Now there is a whole thread on TAM about a woman and her celebrity crush and none of it makes any sense.

As others have told you, please get some help from a professional councilor. The only thing in this whole thread that can rationally explain any of this is that you are *emotionally invested *in this man and completely *infatuated*.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Have you thought much about how this all would make your husband feel? You say it right here that you pursued this man, hard, for months. You say about his rejection, "it hurts so much". You were/are in love with this man. That sure is the way it sounds to me. You may not want sex, of which I'm still not fully convinced, but you craved to talk to this man, to share ideas with him. That sure sounds like being in love, just without the talk of romance.
> 
> Everything he told you was to get you to sleep with him. Him liking your posts on Instagram and not blocking you on WhatsApps is just him keeping the door open. He knows you are infatuated with him and maybe you'll get the itch to let him back in. That is what I think he is doing. And I'll bet a lot of those other housewives got similar propositions. Some may have even taken him up on it. Also, not sure if you even notice it, but you are very conceited. You just said these other women are below you, how could he be interested in talking to them and not me. I think you may have a lot of personality issue that could stand to be sorted out.


I said that because the person who posted the original message said that the Chef wouldnot be interested in housewives . So I had to mention that housewives who barely had college education too are his friends. So wondering why I was not. If that means I have some issues, perhaps I have. I am being honest here because you are all strangers . I dont need to lie to you at all. Im 100% being honest ,. I could be totally wrong, have issues but Im BEING HONEST with my thoughts and feelings because that is what I want to do before strangers at least. Or what is the point in saying so much to you all if I want to lie or act or hide the truth? I want honest opinions and different perspectives, not some wonderful appreciation of my behaviour.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Why does it hurt? You barely know him! My gosh. You know what would actually hurt? Finding out your wife is having an unrequited EA with a chef!


I knew him for the past 1.5 years though I never spoke to him directly. Yes it does hurt my husband but Im at least not hiding anything from him. He has to deal with this, I dealt with him earlier when he had some issues ( not affairs ). We both should together work on this. And yes I told him every chat of ours. Now I told him everything.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> I knew him for the past 1.5 years though I never spoke to him directly. Yes it does hurt my husband but Im at least not hiding anything from him. He has to deal with this, I dealt with him earlier when he had some issues ( not affairs ). We both should together work on this. And yes I told him every chat of ours. Now I told him everything.


When did you tell your husband the rest of the details? Less than 24 hours ago you said you only filled him in on some of the details. What did your husband have to say about the new information?



RiaMishra said:


> I said that because the person who posted the original message said that the Chef wouldnot be interested in housewives . So I had to mention that housewives who barely had college education too are his friends. So wondering why I was not. If that means I have some issues, perhaps I have. I am being honest here because you are all strangers . I dont need to lie to you at all. Im 100% being honest ,. I could be totally wrong, have issues but Im BEING HONEST with my thoughts and feelings because that is what I want to do before strangers at least. Or what is the point in saying so much to you all if I want to lie or act or hide the truth? I want honest opinions and different perspectives, not some wonderful appreciation of my behaviour.


Why did you have to throw in the bit about them being college educated? I assume it was because you were trying to drive home the point that they are lesser than you yet he still befriended them. That is what brought about my conceited comment. 

I don't think you are lying about anything intentionally, but the emotion coming through in your posts tells a somewhat different story than your words. This "tell" may also be what your chef sensed. You say one thing, but your emotions convey a different message.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

``ack.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

RiaMishra said:


> I cry the whole day cursing myself for opening up so much with this Chef. I was so stupidly telling him in audio messages ( some 15) about my dreams, my achievement, my passion, my family, what not! I made a total fool of myself. Reading all your responses is making me feel so shamed of myself. I could have advised the same and in an equally confident way to someone in my situation but Im not able to tell the same to myself. I want to rewind my life back to 3 back months.





RiaMishra said:


> I told him about audio messages too but they are all harmless crap so Im not bothered. In fact Im not at all bothered about my own chats or calls from side because *I never ever spoke anything wrong*


Yeah. You change your self reflection almost hourly. I have to say, I’ve never known a person that goes from self flagellation and shame to “I’m good!” So quickly. Yikes.




RiaMishra said:


> We spoke on phone when he expressed his desire to sleep with me. I told my husband the same and he was definitely shocked, angry, upset and said what you ALL said. He simply wants to inform the management and see that this doesnot happen with anyone in the future.


But I wonder, what will your husband do with you? You aren’t some kind of a innocent victim of a bad, bad man. Jeez.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Also, your husband is going to talk to management, they’ll ask chef what’s happening, he will produce 15 voicemails and a bunch of overzealous (probably unhinged sounding) messages and you’re going to look really foolish. “She’s obsessed with me, what can I say? I humored her infatuation for a bit. That’s all.” And that’s that. I’m pretty sure he’s got his bases covered.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> I told my husband in detail about the chats a few hours ago on phone. I wanted to show the chats too but he said NO. I didnot hide too much actually. The chats conveyed nothing because the chef had no time to type while I had all the time in the world. We spoke on phone when he expressed his desire to sleep with me. I told my husband the same and he was definitely shocked, angry, upset and said what you ALL said. He simply wants to inform the management and see that this doesnot happen with anyone in the future. I told him about audio messages too but they are all harmless crap so Im not bothered. In fact Im not at all bothered about my own chats or calls from side because I never ever spoke anything wrong , infact in one of the calls, Chef said ' OMG you are always preaching , always guilty about talking to me, always nervous when I try to talk intimately and this is making me angry'. That was when I told him that I wasnot not at all interested in talking anything romantic with him leave alone sexual stuff. I remined him that he wanted me as friend too. But he kept asking for sex and I kept telling him how I had only respect but no such feelings for him and how I cant manage to live a guilt-free life if I did that with him. He disconnected my call. From that moment I started to beg him continuously to not disconnect from me. He didnot block me from anywhere but he never initiated any conversation till now. He doesnt respond to my calls, when I called him last month he messaged saying 'I will call you back' but he never did. I kept begging him to call me but he says he is busy. That is what he types and nothing else. Only for my birthday, I was again at the hotel and on my husband's request he got a nice cake baked for me and he told everyone in the hotel that it was my birthday and the entire staff wished me. He came up to me in my husbands absence and said that it was a pleasure to see me back at the hotel. Then moved away. I HAD to stop messaging him and didnot in the last 10 days. He still likes my insta posts and I do the same but thats it. He stopped responding to my cooking stuff on whats app long back.


Your husband is doing the right thing, but does your husband have any idea how hard you pursued this man? You basically went into full stalker mode. Repeatedly calling and messaging him. Begging him to call you. Hanging on everything he was doing on social media. Despondent when he didn't give you the attention you wanted. Wow! How did you let this happen to you?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Yeah. You change your self reflection almost hourly. I have to say, I’ve never known a person that goes from self flagellation and shame to “I’m good!” So quickly. Yikes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Right , lots of inconsistencies, flip flopping in this story. Begging some guy to call? That is pathetic. I hope this guy does not have any pet rabbits.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Impossible. I wear extremely modest clothing, I never initiated any conversation with him EVER, I never even went close to him to talk. Not even once. I was always, always with my husband even when I went to fill my plate with food. The chef saw me only during breakfast time. I never had lunch when my hubby is away at work. I never came out of the room till my husband was back from work ( except going to the gym). Dinner we always ordered to the room. So there is no way he could analyse my body language , which was anyway, quite proper.


Unfortunately, you have zero experience with men. As you have stated, only your husband. YOU don't know the game. Period.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Please understand that Im NOT ASSUMING that he wanted friendship . HE TOLD ME that he wants me as a 'partner, companion, friend'. Wants to share 'KNOWLEDGE'. These were his words. That is the reason why I continued to talk to him, shared about myself. Only later he made it clear that he wanted BOTH. When I refused to give both, he stopped talking( though he likes my posts on insta and didnot block me on whats app ). Yes, I really trusted him when he said he wants me a friend too. Later I thought I can change his mind but apparently I could not. I tried a lot over a period of 2 months through many calls, texts but failed. I agree with ALL of you when you guys say that he doesn't want me just as a friend. It hurts so much


You are very naive , as to the ways of men


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

RiaMishra said:


> What does beauty have to do with friendship? I surely dont think all men find me irresistible. In fact I am quite surprised that this chef , who is exposed to beautiful models and air hostesses on a daily basis, would be remotely attracted a 47 year old housewife


That ANY of this has to be explained to you is why you need to get yourself into therapy. Not trying to be mean. That you can't grasp this is where your issue is.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

FakeNews001 said:


> My husband knows everything now but not every detail
> I told my husband almost everything and not everything
> This sure seems like trolling from the OP. Just putting that out there...


With you on that - 2 can play this game. OP gets off on being abused and there are many that are happy to do it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

RiaMishra said:


> I told my husband in detail about the chats a few hours ago on phone. I wanted to show the chats too but he said NO. I didnot hide too much actually. The chats conveyed nothing because the chef had no time to type while I had all the time in the world. We spoke on phone when he expressed his desire to sleep with me. I told my husband the same and he was definitely shocked, angry, upset and said what you ALL said. He simply wants to inform the management and see that this doesnot happen with anyone in the future. I told him about audio messages too but they are all harmless crap so Im not bothered. In fact Im not at all bothered about my own chats or calls from side because I never ever spoke anything wrong , infact in one of the calls, Chef said ' OMG you are always preaching , always guilty about talking to me, always nervous when I try to talk intimately and this is making me angry'. That was when I told him that I wasnot not at all interested in talking anything romantic with him leave alone sexual stuff. I remined him that he wanted me as friend too. But he kept asking for sex and I kept telling him how I had only respect but no such feelings for him and how I cant manage to live a guilt-free life if I did that with him. He disconnected my call. From that moment I started to beg him continuously to not disconnect from me. He didnot block me from anywhere but he never initiated any conversation till now. He doesnt respond to my calls, when I called him last month he messaged saying 'I will call you back' but he never did. I kept begging him to call me but he says he is busy. That is what he types and nothing else. Only for my birthday, I was again at the hotel and on my husband's request he got a nice cake baked for me and he told everyone in the hotel that it was my birthday and the entire staff wished me. He came up to me in my husbands absence and said that it was a pleasure to see me back at the hotel. Then moved away. I HAD to stop messaging him and didnot in the last 10 days. He still likes my insta posts and I do the same but thats it. He stopped responding to my cooking stuff on whats app long back.


Did you tell your husband that he asked you for sex (even if you declined)? Come on Rishi, did you?


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

manfromlamancha said:


> Did you tell your husband that he asked you for sex (even if you declined)? Come on Rishi, did you?


YES YES YES. I DID.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> YES YES YES. I DID.


...and that you still want to be close friends with the guy? Your husbands knows that you admire the guy and want to be close friends with him, even though he keeps asking for sex?

I have a feeling you've been leaving out that critical detail when you talk to your husband.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

`


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

`e.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

`


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> Because he read your body language...All men know the easy mark


Ah!

If only this were always true!

There are rarely easy marks seen with women. 

They plaster them over with innuendos.

That way, they have plausible denial, a side door, for her pride to escape.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Your husband knows that you still want to be close friends with this person? What is his opinion on that?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@risha, I read most of the large block of stuff you wrote and I cannot help but feel that you partially instigated all of this with your messages etc to the chef and are now acting all out of whack cause he pursued you. You crossed boundaries and so did the chef, so now you know.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> But he never forced me into having sex . He definitely asked me many times but he never forced me. Also he never called me on his own or texted me on his own. A man who is a player would have tried to. In fact right now it is me begging for his friendship. that is killing me. I was happy in my life, admiring him from far but he made me talk, he made me tell all about myself and suddenly stopped talking. He didnot call me after my last call when he asked for a video of mine and I denied. When I ask him ( weekly once) if we are friends at least, he says 'of course' but does nothing to keep in touch. A player would not leave a female who is so interested in him so easily. May be he is embarrassed, regretting or he lost interest in


hello and welcome to TAM 
YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOUR RELATIONSHIP 
this man is using the weakness, what is missing in your marriage mixed with the oldest trick in the book on how to get a woman interested,
he is using reverse psychology , _Reverse psychology_ is a technique involving the assertion of a belief or behavior that is opposite to the one desired, 

you need to distance your self from this man block all contact with him , 
but you need to find what is missing your your marriage all so , there are a number of things that we each need to keep a good marriage alive 

first both have to stop distracting yourself to death whether that is with books or internet or the new type toy the Iphone , we see people here that they take themselves away from their wife by given up to 4h a night on pc gaming this is time stolen from the relationship because you can't be in the relationship if your playing a game or in to a book or even like me I have had to reduce my time on here so now I don't come here at evening time because my family need me and they come first 
so look at how you and your husband spend your time together are you together but he is still working bringing his work home and you are doing your thing living your life apart but beside him if your sitting on the couch at night beside the most important person in your life and your distracted by the game the phone or the book your not giving (same goes for him )

second don't compare your relationship with others there are no two relationships the same talk to your husband about what you need from him and ask what he needs and wants to have a good relationship ,stay connected to each other, there are not perfect relationships no one has everything going for them all the time and a marriage does not come with a crystal ball 

third thing you seem to be no poor so you could look up help there are all types of help out there , personal couch to help you you might even need to think about having a few meetings with a marriage councillor MC THE MC CAN HELP YOU TAKE A REAL LOOK AT WHAT AND HOW YOUR INTERACTING look on it as a help in the same way as when you stand on a nail and you foot is sore you have to find a way to get around the house while you waiting for it to get better again 

Last point I want to make is stop going to bed separately you know the one one goes off to bed and 30min or even an h later the other goes to bed and thinks the other has to spring into lovemaking mode right away 
its makes a big impact when we can go together have some time to chat cuddle just relax together leave all distractions out of the bed room and get into bed as you used to when you first started living together


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

`


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> hello and welcome to TAM
> ` great, responsible, hardworking man


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> We dont sleep separately,


I am sorry if I put that badly , I did not talk about separately as in different beds but more in the time going to bed if one goes off to bed every night at one time and the other join them later you miss out on very important time together


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Are you sure you have a career?

please sleep with the man and tell your husband, get a divorce and enjoy the dom relationship with the man


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

bygone said:


> Are you sure you have a career?
> 
> please sleep with the man and tell your husband, get a divorce and enjoy the dom relationship with the man


That's terrible advice ....Your joking right ?

.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

RiaMishra said:


> Hello, thanks for your kind advice, highly appreciate. We dont sleep separately, we had sex 3 years back. It is all my fault, my husband tries but I keep postponing. I even asked my gyn and she said it could be due to hormones as I could be approaching menopause. But we cuddle, kiss and hug each other and sleep. My husband is just a call away though he is constantly travelling. He is a very righteous man, lives by rules and I think sometimes makes me feel distant. Let me give an example. If we are in a mall I see a sexy girl, I comment saying look at her curvy body !! He simply smiles and says ' she is a woman, dont try to objectify' . I feel so bad, he cant even joke about a stranger . He is extremely careful taking about women, he ahs been that way since marriage after my daughter was born, he became more guarded in what he says. He keeps reminding me ' I am a dad of a girl' if ever I try to tease him with other women. That makes me feel cheap. He never had any girls friends before marriage I was his first and he loves me to death. But his high morals and inability to joke with his own wife about other girls make me uncomfortable sometimes. I dont know if this is normal or not. I see my guy friends joking all the time with their wives but my husband's humour is bound by rules when it comes to making fun of people. That makes me feel like a bad person which I am not.
> I dont even know if Im making any sense here.
> Otherwise I have nothing to complain about him. He is a great, responsible, hardworking man


It sounds like your husband has much better boundaries than you do...


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> That's terrible advice ....Your joking right ?
> 
> .


joke of course

but about dominant people in relationships

no sex with her husband

she likes to humiliate, beg about the men who rule her


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> 3 months back he was OK with it but now , of course, he hates any connection in any form with him. He says that im blinded, I lost the ability to distinguish between what is right and wrong, I need to talk to someone, a therapist and cut off ALL contact wiht the chef and let my husband complain about him to the management. He asked me what if my daughter gets to know all this and how would I explain this friendship to her. He said we both should go to a marriage counsellor and seek help and he is ready to do that. He said we shouldnot go the hotel anymore and he would ask his HR to get an other hotel booked for him in future. He asked me to block the 'predator' and a man ' who sees women as sex objects' immediately and concentrate on myself. He says I should first learn to love myself. He says that this piece of **** ( chef) is not worth my time at all and I needlessly put him on a pedestal for no reason. He says he is unable to believe that I still think that a man who is seeking sex from a guest's wife is still morally right and loves his wife. HE asked me to forget everyone( including him) and start loving myself. He said he will support me in anything I would love to do in achieving that. He is extremely concerned about me. He says he feels so sorry for the chef's family too. Husband keeps reminding me all my accomplishments and how many people actually love me and how nice a mom and wife I have been and how I stooped to this level of begging someone so unworthy for friendship. He is also angry that I didnot shut him out on the day 1 . Husband also said that the chef must have been trying to 'trap' me for months and only we never noticed. He is also now trying to rewind and recollect the instances where the chef went out of his way to send special food to me in my husband's absence. He is now trying to make sense of those old stuff. But his worry for me is more than his anger. He is requesting me to love myself first. He says the chef is emotionally empty, he could never be anyone's friend, he could never ever manage any relationship and he wasnt even interested in my friendship ever. Husband said many more things, he called me yesterday night spoke for 3 hours on phone explaining so much, trying to make me understand things. He is so unhappy and confused of he laugh or cry at my behaviour. So basically he said that the chef is a b*****d and I should block him from everywhere and introspect my behaviour. He said what all you guys here said.


I am glad to hear that your husband is so clear on how wrong all this was. He is absolutely right about you needing to understand what went wrong in your mind. You went off the deep end and honestly I think it is a miracle that you didn't end up sleeping with the chef. I know you say you have no interest in sex, but it is very clear that your had a serious crush on this chef.



RiaMishra said:


> Hello, thanks for your kind advice, highly appreciate. We dont sleep separately, we had sex 3 years back. It is all my fault, my husband tries but I keep postponing. I even asked my gyn and she said it could be due to hormones as I could be approaching menopause. But we cuddle, kiss and hug each other and sleep. My husband is just a call away though he is constantly travelling. He is a very righteous man, lives by rules and I think sometimes makes me feel distant. Let me give an example. If we are in a mall I see a sexy girl, I comment saying look at her curvy body !! He simply smiles and says ' she is a woman, dont try to objectify' . I feel so bad, he cant even joke about a stranger . He is extremely careful taking about women, he ahs been that way since marriage after my daughter was born, he became more guarded in what he says. He keeps reminding me ' I am a dad of a girl' if ever I try to tease him with other women. That makes me feel cheap. He never had any girls friends before marriage I was his first and he loves me to death. But his high morals and inability to joke with his own wife about other girls make me uncomfortable sometimes. I dont know if this is normal or not. I see my guy friends joking all the time with their wives but my husband's humour is bound by rules when it comes to making fun of people. That makes me feel like a bad person which I am not.
> I dont even know if Im making any sense here.
> Otherwise I have nothing to complain about him. He is a great, responsible, hardworking man


Your husband has very strong boundaries. That is a good thing. There may be no apparent harm in joking about other women, but some people just don't even want to joke about that kind of thing. 

What is stopping you from having sex with your husband? Why do you keep postponing.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

bygone said:


> Are you sure you have a career?
> 
> please sleep with the man and tell your husband, get a divorce and enjoy the dom relationship with the man
> [/hi


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You should listen to your husband on how to deal with this. He is right on track AND the person you have to make this right with.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

RiaMishra said:


> I don't know. Just before the pandemic I stopped having it and now I just don't feel like having it. I dont even fantasize anything like that with the chef too. Not with anyone. My doc says it could be because Im close to menopause and this could be temporary. However, husband I were trying to restart it around September and all this happened and I wasnot in a great state of mind since then.


I think it would be a very worthwhile endeavor to reconnect sexually with your husband. It could be hormones at play. It could also be that for some people, once you stop having sex you kind of forget about it. Get it started up again and you may find a rejuvenated sexual connection with your husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RiaMishra said:


> I agree. You need not read or reply. You can simply ignore.


She gave very good advice and you are telling her to ignore you?

Maybe we all should. You are having a bad attitude.

Putting more energy and effort into your husband will lead your heart toward him.

You are putting a lot of time and effort into pursuing a scummy, loathsome man and you are leading your heart toward him instead.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LoL! This is ridiculous. She hasn't had sex with her husband for three years. Maybe he has stopped caring what she is up to. He might have something on the side as well.

This is a ridiculously unhealthy marriage.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you need to think about where you want your relationship with your husband to go from here 
so far he has excepted a lot more than most , 
No sex for 3 years and then to find out his wife had some kind of a thing for another man, 

you need to change doctor if he or she is just saying it could be hormone , 
it can be lots of things it could be your mind telling you that your not turned on by your husband it could be stress it could be your health lack of exercise, or many other things 

now it is more important for you to make it your top priority as the clock has starting after the affair even if you don't want to call it that your husband might think different 
and he might start thinking of divorce 

some say about sex if you don't use it you loose it others say it is like riding a bike 
duty sex is not going to be a good idea , but you can look up all types of books on the subject 
even some types of porn depending on what you are open to and don't forget you can even get some very tame stuff on some porn sites that is only romantic films , and may be do some shopping for a few sex toys


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am really trying to come to terms with this so lets see if I have this right:

There is a piece of scum chef (no question about this based on his behaviour) that has no morals and has a wife and kids, that notices you and your obsession with him and that you must look sexually frustrated.

You express your interest in him (but in "lets just be friends" way) because he is "impressive" at cooking.

He in return asks if he can screw you (but in a "we're just friends sort of way) and somehow you cannot see him for the creep that he is with no morals etc.

You tell your husband that he wants to screw you, and although you have not accepted his offer you still want to pursue his friendship.

And the one I am struggling with, even after you told your husband, he still did not want to go and break the bastard's legs.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am really trying to come to terms with this so lets see if I have this right:
> 
> There is a piece of scum chef (no question about this based on his behaviour) that has no morals and has a wife and kids, that notices you and your obsession with him and that you must look sexually frustrated.
> 
> ...


and file ,


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> I am really trying to come to terms with this so lets see if I have this right:
> 
> There is a piece of scum chef (no question about this based on his behaviour) that has no morals and has a wife and kids, that notices you and your obsession with him and that you must look sexually frustrated.
> 
> ...


His crème brûlée is to die for though.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I'd like to ask because you have the decency to reply.

first of all i am not impartial your husband should break up with you

There is a lot of inconsistency in your words.

How did om know you were a relationship-seeking woman?

You show this with your clothes, the way you talk to your husband, the way you look around you. Men and women understand this.

Ladies who have lost interest in their partner because of their young appearance and who will provide financial benefits should be om's area of interest, this type of match is common in hotels. you already know that.

om offered sex at the beginning of the relationship? some pictures and videos would do him good!

my question is why did om stay in contact with you, sex/money/gift won't talk to you without doing him any good

we are not your husband please be honest


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

bygone said:


> I'd like to ask because you have the decency to reply.
> 
> hi


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> His crème brûlée is to die for though.


He doesnt cook anymore, he is an exe. chef so his job is to mange 150 of his associates and other admin things. He occasionally puts up cooking videos but doesnt cook like chefs do. Yes, I do get your sarcasm.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RiaMishra said:


> Yes. My husband is a very matured and patient man. Trying to understand my confusion - irrespective of how dirty/stupid it is. Probably he is more empathic than impulsive to serve divorce papers to let me chase my fairytale.


No, you are a bad wife who doesn’t respect your husband. And you are clearly not in love with your husband.

This chef is disrespecting your husband and your marriage. By continuing any contract with the chef, and wanting any relationship with him at this point, you are placing another man above your husband.
And unfortunately your husband is too weak to handle the situation appropriately. Which is probably part of the reason why you don’t respect him and are not in love with him.

As a married woman, you don’t get to have male friends, especially one who expressed sexual interest in you. Period.
The answer is NO. It’s completely inappropriate and unacceptable.
It’s a shame you didn’t hear this from your husband.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

You're looking for friends... make friends with his wife.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

Even though she pretends to be a young-looking, career-oriented woman

she is a lonely woman

begs for some attention and love.

her husband doesn't take much care of her and I think she's surrounded by women who cater to her needs.

Knowing that her husband will do nothing for this woman, Om also knows who the woman's husband is hosting at the hotel.

An experienced jerk chooses and prepares his targets well.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

RiaMishra said:


> Why do you think he approached me with this proposal in the first place risking his job? What if I directly went and complained to the hotel management? My husband has been a loyal client, a top most executive of a top-class company and brought so much business to the reputed hotel ( it is among top 3 in India). So, they would sack him in a heartbeat. IM SURE HE KNEW IT TOO.. My husband says the employees of such hotels regularly undergo rigours training about ethical behaviour especially towards their guests. and how can a guest feel safe leaving his wife there.
> What baffles me is the chef's confidence in me that I wouldnot complain about him to the authorities. He hardly exchanged a couple of words with me before all this happened. We were not even connected on social media. There is no way he could guess what exactly I felt for him or how I would react to his advances. So why did he put his career of 20 years, his reputation, his everything at risk ? Also I recollect now, the first message he sent me was on Instagram and asked me to whats app me . He had my number but he wanted me to text first. Call first. He asked never to SMS. I dont understand why he did that but taking such a huge risk leaves me confused still.


He was right, you have not reported him. You are protecting him from your husband, by not telling husband. Not telling him, and he later finds out will look very, very bad and suspicious on you. I would be livid if my wife did that. It would tell me she really wants to be with this man, but is too scared of getting caught.

You should have let hubby read all the messages. What you are currently doing is against the marriage, and shows that you are not being a safe partner to trust.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

You want to work with and learn from a chef, find a female one in your area and take some classes. She might even become a good friend.

You deserve to be friends with men, but as soon as they express romantic or sexual interest, you have to disengage and move on. That’s what being married is about. That would be the same if a female friend expressed the same. Being married should mean your partner is your friend. Ideally your best friend and they should be made aware of such advances

It seems you have a good man. He care about you and supports you. It appears he is Still attracted to you and wants the physical aspect of the relationship that can make a good marriage great. I would encourage you to try and reconnect with him physically. Even if you start with things like nude massage or other exercises to reconnect with. Perhaps a sex therapist could help.

Finally, you need to learn how to identify who are people that you truly can call your friends. True and sincere. They are out there. Life is about experiencing and learning. If someone shows their true colors, believe them and do t beg them to change their stripes. And if someone makes your spouse uncomfortable, honor and protect them by removing that person from both your lives as you should expect the same back from them.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

bygone said:


> Even though she pretends to be a young-looking, career-oriented woman
> 
> she is a lonely woman
> 
> ...


Wait, what? I thought she said he takes her along on trips and is nice to her. As I recall, this is even after her repeatedly rejecting any physical intimacy with him.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> Wait, what? I thought she said he takes her along on trips and is nice to her. As I recall, this is even after her repeatedly rejecting any physical intimacy with him.


Yes. Why is it so hard for some of you to believe that though I dont have sex with my husband, he can care for me, love me and understand me? Why cant some people be just different from others? Yes, I dont have sex with him but we do exprss love with other ways. Yes he takes me along with him on official tours as a spouse's expenses are covered by the company and I am alone at home anyway, work from home. Yes, when some husbands try to enjoy the free time they get away from the asexual wife ( by drinking and doing other stuff), my husband chooses to spend time with me instead. Yes, he a thorough gentleman, no flirting, no drinking (ever in life), no smoking, respectable and hardworking. Yes still there can be confused and useless women like me who do appreciate such a man but cant control their own nasty obsession. So please stop wondering. The world is full of complex individuals with complex problems - some self-created.


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Would love your thoughts on my post above. I agreed your husband does care along with some other ideas about which I’d love to hear what you think.


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## RiaMishra (2 mo ago)

Landofblue said:


> Would love your thoughts on my post above. I agreed your husband does care along with some other ideas about which I’d love to hear what you think.


`


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## nickyhandoko24 (2 mo ago)

I refuse to believe this come from 47 years old married woman who married for 27 years , the first thing come into my head this must be come from 16 years old teenage girl who confused with SIMPLE right or wrong .


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## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Hi Ria 
Don’t know if you are still there and still reading but thought I’d check in on you. 

I want you to know I understand the disappointment of having someone you admire and want to be friends with share untoward ideas about physical contact with you. It is annoying. It is sad.

It has happened to my wife. She has been a female in a male dominated field. And she definitely stands out. Her performance has been very strong business wise. But at times she has found those she counted as friends had ulterior motives and she had to drop them.

I felt bad for her. I want her to have friends she can count on. And she does have some good ones. But at times we’ve had to have difficult discussions about some of them. Only difference though between what she does and what you did, is she would never beg forfriendship. She’s too pragmatic.

With that said, I encourage you not to forget this man,that would be impossible except over a long time, but to ignore him. There are lots of respectable men out there, and of course women, that have lots to offer you in friendship and intellectual interaction.

I want to use me as an example and I hope you fo t find it narcissistic. I have a wife that stimulates me emotionally, intellectually and physically. We have a complete life. But I have lots of friends. Maybe more than the average person. And I would say more than half are women. We have great times together meeting up individually and in groups, discussing things that interest us, doing projects together and exploring New topics.

I may or may not find them attractive physically. I find them all attractive intellectually. But not one of them have I asked tobe physical with nor have they asked me. That is reserved solely for my wife. That is part of me that I give to her and only her as part of the covenant of my marriage.

And anyone who would try to change that by offering me sexual experience with them would be removed from my life and my wife’s life forever. We have a policy that we live by, if anyone makes the other uncomfortable, they are removed from our lives. Our marriage is more important than any friendship. It’s to be protected above anything else. Of course our children are great, and if issues arose with them it would not be so simple, but other than them no one is as important.

That is why it is important to address issues in your marriage. Your partner should be your best friend who you enjoy the most. You can enjoy being with others as long as they do t impinge on your marriage.

So if either of you are having emotional or intellectual or physical issues with each other, make it a priority to work through and fix them. Giving of oneself in this way is thegreatest gift you can give and receive to and from the person you love.

I hope you will consider working on this. And after your marriage is on solid ground try finding another friend who shares an interest with you that you can spend time with without threat of emotional or physical approaches. Keep trying until you find that person, male or female. That is really what life is about.

Take care.


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