# Can your gut be wrong?



## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Is it true that your gut is always right?

What if you are just a naturally suspicious and cynical person and you've been cheated on before?

I have a gut feeling about my partner, but how do I know that it's not paranoia? 

He hasn't mentioned any women, but then I don't have access to any passwords, and there could be other reasons why he seems distant.

I could just be a crazy lady and a bit of a bunny boiler. 

Can I please ask what the signs are?

Also, if anyone else has been accused of cheating when they definitely have not cheated. Do people sometimes read too much into stuff and their gut reaction is completely wrong?

Thanks.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Your gut can be wrong, sure.
It just turns out that by the time most people get as far as posting here, their gut is struggling to cope eith everything that's making it feel queasy.
Being cheated on previously might also make you hyper-sensitive.

Does your H know about your past experiences? If so, he might not consider it unreasonable if you said something like "honey - you know what happened to me with X in the past. It's made me fragile and nervous. I know you're not like that, but just for my peace of mind, could we swap passwords? Here are mine. I know it's my issue, not yours, but it would me relax. Sorry."

My wife has access to all my non-work accounts, and I have access to hers too.
Not uncommon in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

WellyVamp said:


> Is it true that your gut is always right?
> 
> What if you are just a naturally suspicious and cynical person and you've been cheated on before?
> 
> ...


Why don't you share passwords?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel that it could be wrong but it is trying to tell you something amiss
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I would start a conversation with that, I feel like you are being distant and i want to keep the lines of communication open etc.

Mine never mentioned the OW, why would he? he was hoping to never get caught. Knowing passwords only works if you know all the accounts he has open anyway.

If you get nowhere with talking and still feel something is amiss, there are many ways to dig further. My gut has not been wrong, just sometimes a little slow on the uptake.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Your gut will tell you there is a disturbance in the Force. It doesn't tell you what that disturbance IS.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Always listen to that voice in the back of your head some call it gut. There is universal order we don't quite understand completely but its there and real. Listen and stay connected, yes, but you may not like what you hear,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you're not sure whether you're nuts or intuitive, buy yourself some time and perspective. You can see a counselor and talk about it, if you're not comfortable talking to friends about it. A counselor can also help you sort out whether you're in any kind of abusive relationship...one of the signs is doubting your judgement and sanity. It's a tough call to make somewhere, you really need to look at the big picture and to see if there's any reason why your judgement would be clouded, and to evaluate whether overall you are being treated respectfully where you would be confident of your perceptions.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

*Rags*

Thanks for your advice. I did bring it up before, but I ended up coming away from the conversation feeling like I was being jealous (which I kind of was) control freak. 

I really suspected him of cheating when I was very poorly. He had to go away alot and he became very critical of me. He also stopped being affectionate. I also noticed him tarting himself up more than usual and being more flirtatious with the ladies. 

He actually got pretty angry and told me how hurtful I was being. Obviously he completely denied it. He now says that he feels like he can't speak to any women, or go anywhere. 

since then, I have kept my mouth shut about all of this and I'm always telling to go out and do stuff. I feel really guilty. 

Funnily enough, he is a real computer nerd (in a nice way), and he has networked everything, like our devices, laptops and PCs. If he wanted to, I think he see what get up to and look at online. Not that it's anything exciting. I asked him if he did ever have a nose to see what I get up to, but he said he didn't.

*
Will_Kane*

I feel too embarrassed to bring it up again. 

*In_The_Wind*

It could very well be wrong. I read up on some signs of affairs, and I'm showing some, but I'm definitely not being unfaithful. 

*PamJ*

Thanks Pam. Sorry to hear that you got burnt. I hope things are on the up for you now. 

My partner is a stereotypical nice guy and people are always telling me how lucky I am to have him. He's one of those people that everyone warms to and gets along with. I feel embarrassed and even ashamed for even being suspicious, but I still am!

Maybe the best course of action is to try to put it out of my mind, unless anything else makes my spider senses tingle.

I really don't want to be a controlling horrible partner, so I've just completely backed off and tried to let things go. I am making a point of being the opposite of jealous, as I may be wrong!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WellyVamp said:


> *Rags*
> 
> Thanks for your advice. I did bring it up before, but I ended up coming away from the conversation feeling like I was being jealous (which I kind of was) control freak.
> 
> ...


Do His Needs Her Needs together. This will help with meeting needs but also setting boundaries which goes a long way towards trust. This will help you talk about things. You then use that to establish transparency. That means you each have the access.

The only real concern I see in your feelings is that you are too worried about being embarrassed. You do not accuse anyone about cheating. Instead you tell your husband you are looking for better intimacy. Intimacy is about meeting needs, being open with each other and making major decisions together. Being a partnership.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

We all think we may be wrong until it turns out we are right.

The times I've been *very *suspicious I've been correct.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

I do feel embarrassed, because I'm worried about being a bunny boiler. 

If there were more concrete signs, I would feel justified. 

The His Needs and Her Needs book looks interesting. Definitely worth a read, going by the reviews. Thanks.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

OK, I have to ask- what is a "bunny boiler"?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> OK, I have to ask- what is a "bunny boiler"?


Means a psycho wife.

I want to add... If you have a stressful life or around alot of untrustworthy people, it can raise your senses, but you can also blame those who are not doing anything against you.

Sometimes your paranoia is founded, other times you may just be thinking to much and there is nothing at all.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Means a psycho wife.


I had asked my wifey and she thought it meant a woman who gets pregnant easy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes.
I have seen several Jeremy Kyle episodes where the gut feeling of the spouse was 100% wrong. 
A couple of these were caused by people who had smoked so much cannabis that they had got themselves a paranoid psychosis.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Yes.
> I have seen several Jeremy Kyle episodes where the gut feeling of the spouse was 100% wrong.
> A couple of these were caused by people who had smoked so much cannabis that they had got themselves a paranoid psychosis.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't take any drugs at all. I used to smoke cigarrettes, but don't even smoke tobacco these days. 

Watching the Jeremy Kyle is like watching an emotional car crash! 

Three of my x boyfriends have been unfaithful, so I suppose that has made me more suspicious of men.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I thought it meant a psycho OW - like from the old movie "Fatal Attraction." (She boiled their daughter's pet bunny while they were away from home.)
> 
> To OP: Did your gut work the first time you were cheated on? I know what you mean though. My gut was telling me plenty of things, but I ignored it because it just couldn't be true. Unfortunately, my gut was correct. (My H was having an affair.) But now I think it's broken. And since I can't trust my gut anymore, I figure the only way to know anything for sure is to investigate -- which is what I would suggest to you if you just can't get that bad gut feeling to go away.


The first time I was cheated on, it actually turned out that I was the OW. Bloody hell, I had no idea that he had a wife an family. I didn't find out until his wife phoned me. 
To be fair, I wasn't technically being cheated on, just lied to. It was certainly betrayal. He had no respect for anyone, not even his own wife. 

The next boyfriend who cheated on me, my gut went into overdrive. It turned out to be right, although to be fair, the signs were blatant, I was just in denial. 

My X fiance cheated, it wasn't so much a case of gut instinct, he just didn't hide it very well. 

That's probably quite unlucky, which is why I made a point of waiting for a genuinely nice guy before I got involved with anyone again. 

Maybe it is my own behaviour, but I also suspect that I am not the best judge of character. Everyone makes a special effort early on in a relationship. Love really can be blind.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The expression 'bunny boiler' derives from the 1987 film Fatal Attraction, written by James Dearden and Nicholas Meyer. The plot centres around Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) obsessively pursuing her ex-lover Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas). The phrase comes from the plot device whereby Forrest, in a fit of frenzied jealousy, boils her erstwhile lover's daughter's pet rabbit. Gallagher's suspicions should have become aroused earlier, when Forrest was trying to persuade him to meet her, when she said "Bring the dog, I love animals... I'm a great cook."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I've had that gut feeling it's always been right on, unfortunately.

What I have done is to go into snoop mode each time. And yep I find what I was hoping I would not find.

The first time was when I checked the trash next to his desk at home. There was a letter from his AP. Since then things like his brief case, desk drawers, etc turned up a lot.

I'm also a very good snoop on the computer.

Keyloggers have been my friend as well.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WellyVamp said:


> I don't take any drugs at all. I used to smoke cigarrettes, but don't even smoke tobacco these days.
> 
> Watching the Jeremy Kyle is like watching an emotional car crash!
> 
> Three of my x boyfriends have been unfaithful, so I suppose that has made me more suspicious of men.


Three? That's proof lightening does strike the same place more than once. 

Gosh. I just realised. I have also been cheated on three times, too. So I know where you are coming from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

LanieB said:


> I thought it meant a psycho OW - like from the old movie "Fatal Attraction." (She boiled their daughter's pet bunny while they were away from home.)
> 
> To OP: Did your gut work the first time you were cheated on? I know what you mean though. My gut was telling me plenty of things, but I ignored it because it just couldn't be true. Unfortunately, my gut was correct. (My H was having an affair.) But now I think it's broken. And since I can't trust my gut anymore, I figure the only way to know anything for sure is to investigate -- which is what I would suggest to you if you just can't get that bad gut feeling to go away.


Your right. In "Fatal Attraction" the OW was a psycho killer, and his actual wife was a loyal and loving wife... A "bunny boiler" would be someone new in your life, you don't know very well who happens to be psychotic.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Means a psycho wife.
> 
> I want to add... If you have a stressful life or around alot of untrustworthy people, it can raise your senses, but you can also blame those who are not doing anything against you.
> 
> Sometimes your paranoia is founded, other times you may just be thinking to much and there is nothing at all.


As LanieB corrected: The term, "Bunny Boiler" is the psycho OW (attempted homewrecker) coined from the movie "Fatal Attraction".


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I hate to say it and wish I was wrong but mine was never wrong, not once


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Headspin said:


> I hate to say it and wish I was wrong but mine was never wrong, not once


As for me? I never really saw any of them coming.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

EleGirl, I don't have the pass word to his laptop or PC, so I can't install a keylogger. 

Unless I come by some concrete proof, I can't really do anything about it. There are loads of little things that just don't ring true.

MattMatt, sorry to hear that. It's a bummer. One of the common themes I have noticed about cheaters, is that when asked, they turn it back around and make_ you_ look like the one with a problem. Until you can prove it, you do start to question yourself. 

treyvion and Calibre12, I would never boil an innocent animal  

Headspin, I think some people are just better at seeing through the lies. If you know your partner well, you knkow that they are acting strangely.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

WellyVamp said:


> One of the common themes I have noticed about cheaters, is that when asked, they turn it back around and make_ you_ look like the one with a problem. Until you can prove it, you do start to question yourself.


AKA Gaslighting

Gaslight (1940 film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

That's very interesting Rags. There is a name for this behaviour then. 

In many way, the gaslighting is the worst thing. The person has been unfaithful, but not content with that, they then lie to you and try to convince you that you are losing your mind. It really is the lowest of the low. It's cruel and dispicable behaviour.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Indeed - as I understand it, it's more the lies and loss of trust that causes most issues, rather the affair itself.
(YMMV)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EastCoastHopeless (Oct 10, 2012)

JCD said:


> Your gut will tell you there is a disturbance in the Force. It doesn't tell you what that disturbance IS.


I agree. My gut has been right thus far in that I'm usually right that something is not right. But my mind on the other hand will play out elaborate scenarios that usually aren't true, but the gut...she knows lol.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

I suppose most people know their partner well enough to be able to tell that something is amiss, but it's not easy to what the problem is. 

Personally, my partner has seemed bored of me for a while. Sex became infrequent and when I tried to talk about it, he said it was ok, because we have sex at least once a week. 

I would like more, and I have been working on that, and the situation has started to improve somewhat. 

Maybe it is just the routine of living with someone. Life as a couple can't be like one long weekend break! Nonetheless, it would be nice if he made an effort. My friend's husband is always saying how fit, sexy and attractive she is. My partner never says that (probably because I'm not). He doesn't bother with any romatic gestures anymore either. 

One of the things that I find odd, is that he has complimented me on my appearance 4 times in the last week.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think that means he is being unfaithful, but it does make me wonder why he is paying me compliments all of a sudden. 

Sorry about the waffling. Basically, my gut says that there is an issue, but he doesn't want to talk about it, so I don't know what's wrong.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I had asked my wifey and she thought it meant a woman who gets pregnant easy.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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