# 18 years of relationship shattering, please help!



## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

Hi, I have come to this site for many occasions in difficult times but never had nerve to actually put my thought. Things that stopped me doing so was fear of facing critical views from strangers and more over, talking about reality of our relationship including my partner's secrets, the issues I never ever told anyone. 

Now he says our relationship is over after the argument last night over a petty thing. Yes, we have a lot of underlying issues and it got to the point that he is unwilling to talk to me anymore. 

I have been with my partner for 18 years, not married, no kid. 
We are both in mid 40's. 
The issues I hid from everyone is the fact I have been a sole provider all along. There was a brief 2-3 years period that he had series of temp jobs and was able to give me a half of rents. I pay all bills including telephone bills he calls his family oversea. 

Our secrecy began the day he disclosed me of the fact that he had been overstayer ever since his work visa was turned down. 
We were just 9month into relationship and I was a naive student from abroad. He asked me if I would like to leave the relationship, off course, I couldn't. I was so in love with him. He was just surviving without getting any assistance. Stories of that periods was so painful and makes me hug him hard to protect him. We had difficult times but with some luck, I was able to stay with him by obtaining a valid work visa eventually in 2 years in to the relationship. I have been working successfully in professional level since. I would not have been successful in my career without his supports. 

We couldn't get marry legally at least first 5 to 6 years until his status was legitimized. I am not a big believer in marriage anyway and this view was helpful to excuse us not get married. I believe our bond has been strong like married couples. 
I first stated feel uncertain about his wish to support me or contribute to our finance just after he got legal stay. He choose to go to study at an University with a student grant to support tuition fee and general expenses. He did some online trading etc in his spare time so he worked hard, but the burden of rent, food, bills, travel cost for us were with me. He didn't ask me if I would not mind to support him continuously neither I ever asked him to find work first. I thought that was good idea. 

I never thought he is lazy.My financial management is good, no debt , a small saving. I was brought up in poverty ( but happy) so I have always careful about money. I don't socialize apart from at work or long term friends/family back home whom I see once a year and I must say I want to avoid being asked about awkward questions of our relationship or avoid any expenses. No wonder I have zero close friend whom I can discuss honestly about relationship and concerns. It is the same for him. 

He has been self-employed last 4 years and working hard. Unfortunately, he brings zero income, plus I had to chip in to his expenses regularly, not a lot. He has been so stressed and a lot of anxiety that affecting his sleep and his moods (he denies) We argue once a month or less over very small things and sometimes it blows over to crisis. He accuses of me talking or shouting loud and always tell me ' stop shouting! neighbors can hear us!' My fault I needed to go on till I feel I had my say! Normally he walks out a few hours and sometimes 1-2 days no conversation. Everything was fine till yesterday eve. 

We never cheated each other. 100%, we are both lazy to do that. I love him and I care him deeply. He is unhappy we have no kids and in the heat of arguments in the past, he blamed me for that. He said something very hurtful as well. I hope he didn't mean it but once he said he could not get state assistance because I am providing, indicating I am the one hindering him standing alone? It is ridiculous that he quote an other couple he hate so much that they have kids with small income so money is not excuse not to have kids! I on the contrary, I would be delighted if I get pregnant, but at my age It won't and I don't wanna go bankrupt for IVF or go thorough emotional pain so I conditioned myself to feel' if it didn't happen so be it' . 

It was our fault we didn't discuss important issues in our relationship but I was just surviving mode and hoping that one day we get some stability. He didn't tell me why he wants to leave, he say his view has been changed. He once said ( again in argument) we have nothing in common ( he means kids) A lot of times I see rage, anger in him. He feels he is the victim? I can't blame myself making him feel whatever he feels. Yes at times I am stressed out of money. but I never ever said anything undermine his confidence. But he is very proud person so may be my unwitting comments have been hurting him. I really don't know. or I am in denial believing I have done anything but supporting him. Now he says he is going to return my money once he got some inheritance from his aging dad and I feel he may have been counted on me all along? I replied that money is not the points, how about my 18 years? 

Please give me some wise advice. Thanks for reading my post.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I will try to read through this timetoact, but I mean this most kindly when I say...trying to read this solid BLOCK of type is very discouraging.

Go in and edit your post, add more line spacing so we can take it all in in pieces. You will get a MUCH BETTER response if people can read it all and digest it as they go.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

SGL is right, this is hard to read.

18 years, not married...in the divorce section? 

The point of marriage is to say we are committed to each other. I skimmed over the text and do not remember reading who never wanted to commit for 18 years. Can you briefly explain.


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## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

Hi thanks for your advice. I agree with you! hope it can be much encouraging to read.


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## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

This is me said:


> SGL is right, this is hard to read.
> 
> 18 years, not married...in the divorce section?
> 
> The point of marriage is to say we are committed to each other. I skimmed over the text and do not remember reading who never wanted to commit for 18 years. Can you briefly explain.


Hi I am going to put this in a different section as I never thought to be ridiculed to in the wrong section in this way!

I don't think No marriage equal No commitment, action count in my opinion. Thanks.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1. Please do NOT worry about critical views from strangers. None of us is experts on your life, only YOU are.

2. Some advice you may feel does NOT apply to your situation, think about it carefully, then discard it. Some advice that you do not like may be JUST THE ADVICE YOU NEED to hear even if you don't LIKE hearing it. Pay attention, close attention to THIS advice.

3. You are upset because your long-term (18yrs) Significant Other is leaving you without giving you a reason. 


Except for a 2-3yr period, he has never earned a dime during the entire 18yrs, you have provided ALL financial support.

You hide this fact from your family and friends so you can both save face.

He blames you 100% for the lack of children in your relationship (although neither of you have been tested and it's just as likely that HE has the medical condition which has kept you both from conceiving a child.)

He was dishonest with you for the first 9months of your relationship; he did not disclose that he was an illegal alien because he overstayed his visa and, therefore, could not get a legitimate job.

He has been self-employed the last 4years, working hard, and earning NO INCOME. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? What does he do for a living?

He complained that he couldn't get state assistance (welfare money?) because he lived with you and you had income. And THAT kept him from standing on his own? Sorry to tell you, living off of state assistance is NOT "standing on his own" it is LIVING OFF OF OTHER TAXPAYERS instead of living off of you or living off or his own income.

I don't see ANYTHING positive, anything good, anything uplifting about this relationship. This guy (I don't even consider him a MAN) has been living off of you for 18 years, won't marry you, complains that EVERYTHING is YOUR fault (his lack of income, no children, etc.), goes to school on OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY and yet can't EARN ANY MONEY? 

He is full of bullsh1t excuses. EVERY DAY people who are in the US illegally get jobs. They get paid in cash. He could have worked any day of any of those YEARS earning money to help pay for your expenses. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO. 

My guess is he thinks he's 'SPECIAL'. No ordinary, hum-drum jobs for him...he's a 'thinker', a 'doer', an 'entrepreneur', a 'business-owner', a 'visionary'. He is content to let YOU go to work day in/day out, week after week, year after year, acting like an adult to ENSURE the bills are paid. But THAT is beneath him!?!

1. Let him go. Kick him to the curb. Tell him to get his piddly stuff together and get the hell out and never come back.

2. Consider this a very expensive and very LONG lesson. You allowed yourself to be treated like his mommy while he was just a big teenage kid with a thousand excuses WHY he didn't work, or didn't earn money, or didn't get a job, or didn't grow up.

3. Get him to put something in writing (BEFORE you kick him in the rear) that HE WILL PAY YOU BACK some of the money he owes you for 18 years.

4. Get an attorney and make sure what your rights are; depending on what state you live in, you and your boyfriend MAY HAVE a COMMON LAW MARRIAGE. (It is a marriage the government recognizes for people who have lived together for YEARS but have never had a wedding.)

5. Get into counseling to find out WHY you expect so little from others. You are a VERY NICE person, but you do not LOOK OUT for yourself. You don't treat yourself like the VALUABLE WONDERFUL FRIEND and PERSON you actually are. Find out why, then FIX IT.

You're not too old to start over....wiser the next time, hopefully.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should delete your other thread. Keep your story in one place.


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## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I will try to read through this timetoact, but I mean this most kindly when I say...trying to read this solid BLOCK of type is very discouraging.
> 
> Go in and edit your post, add more line spacing so we can take it all in in pieces. You will get a MUCH BETTER response if people can read it all and digest it as they go.


Thanks for your advise.

Not from you but now I am told my thread is in the wrong place as I am not married so please read the same thread I put in the general discussion area.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Hi I am going to put this in a different section as I never thought to be ridiculed to in the wrong section in this way!
> 
> I don't think No marriage equal No commitment, action count in my opinion. Thanks.


No need to move this to another section!!!

THIS is the Considering Divorce or Separation section. YOU are Considering Separation from your long-term Significant Other. You are right where you need to be. You can move it to the *Going Through* Divorce or Separation section, but you don't HAVE TO.

You're fine right here!

Forgot to add that it *IS* so much easier to read now with the paragraph breaks; good job!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How is he self employed but earns no money? Or do you mean he does not put any money towards you bills?


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## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How is he self employed but earns no money? Or do you mean he does not put any money towards you bills?


Hi 
He has been working hard but it is not enough income generated toward bills, hence i have been covering everything almost last 4 years. It is getting worse in this economic situation. He tried to seek employment not so long ago sending many CV's but not successful. 

I deleted the other thread by the way. Thanks for your input.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's been unemployed for too long. At his age it will be very hard for him to get a job with a history of life-long unemployment. Really his only chance is to be self employed. Or can he go back to school, get financial aid and get a work study job? That will help him start to build an employment history.

But he says that he is leaving you. How will he support himself when he leaves?


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## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> He's been unemployed for too long. At his age it will be very hard for him to get a job with a history of life-long unemployment. Really his only chance is to be self employed. Or can he go back to school, get financial aid and get a work study job? That will help him start to build an employment history.
> 
> But he says that he is leaving you. How will he support himself when he leaves?


Hi,
That wass the reason he went to back to Uni to get a degree and he was able to work ( though via agency) related to his study for 2 years with a good pay. I encourged him to get full time post at that time but he somehow didn't apply, and guess what his contract dried up after financial crash in 2008. After applying so many jobs with no success, he thought self-employment is only way. He was once running a retail shop with his close partner, left a year later just before running up debt. A solo traider since. He has great deal of knowlege, sense in the area he works. I can't give any assistance to put his business to a new level or I don't think he could get any bank loans orr business loan toward. He is desparate and perhaps what I don't do enough is support him emotionally.
Cooking heartful meals aren't enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You've been supporting him ENOUGH for EIGHTEEN years! 

When will HE support you?


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Exactly. You should have fired his broke, lazy ass ten years ago.


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## timetoact (Jun 2, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> You've been supporting him ENOUGH for EIGHTEEN years!
> 
> When will HE support you?


Hi guys
Thanks for comments.
After 2 days of non conversation, we started to talk again. He feels I said things very hurtful to him, whilst I didn't get why he misunderstood my behavior and kept telling me to calm down as if I was a manic! 
He has points, just because I have been in this postion, it does not warrant me to say whatever I like, though, I honestly feel I am more muanced, not a straight talker! I had a such urge to answer back, but I kept telling me to shut up for now. 

There have been countless times to reflect on my situation. You guys are right, I should have acted a lot sooner. Never put myself into this complications in the first place. I always put others first , leaving my needs behind. I remember my late aunt used to tell me how I was less needy child among all her nephews/nieces. That why I have been content ( or putting up with ?) of this relationship! 
At least, I never needed to doub each other of cheating, a big plus!

For now, this situation will go on. I will support him toward a bit more success in his business, enjoy my professional career that has been the great source of my pride and self identity. I will keep checking TAM for wise words of others and supports.
Thanks everyone who gave me some advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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