# On the edge - can it be saved?



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Hi all, I've just signed up reading posts from some google finds. 

Us. We are mid thirties have been together since university and have two children 12 & 8. We get along great. 

Back in march I discovered she was having an emotional affair with her ex boss. It had all got nasty at her work as one of the other bosses was bullying her. This 'nice' guy was standing up for her. I confronted her and kicked her out. We met the next day and she said she wanted to try again, agreed (& has broken all contact with him). This I am sure of. We tried counselling but by the time we got there each week we had moved on, and it dragged up the past so we called time on that. 

Since then I've had the love you but not in love, and the I'm not attracted to you. Again last night that was said. She also said she loves what we have and doesnt want to loose it, but is scared that shell never be attracted to me again and have those feelings. So we will be settling for that? At the moment she is part working but I said originally take some time out to sort yourself out.

Day to day she is very happy and does lots for me. The physical side isn't there at the moment, which is a big deal for me. Not so much for her. 

How do I get him out of her head. Prove I am a dominant guy and get her attraction back. Help me guys.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

You should post in the Coping With Infidelity section for more help on this.

The I Love You But Not In Love With You (ILYBNINWY) is a bad omen. Typically it indicates that the affair is still ongoing (she may have secret email accounts or a pay as you go phone). 

Also, many will tell you that when she says "she loves what we have and doesnt want to loose it" what she really means is that she wants to keep you as a back-up plan in case her new man doesn't work out.

The lack of a physical realtion between the two of you is also concerning. She may be "saving herself" for her other man.

Did you expose the affair to the other man's wife or girlfriend?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you're sure she's out of contact with her affair partner (AP)
and you're sure she's not in contact with a new one, here's a list of books:

--Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (have her read excerpts out of this that speak to you)
--Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley (for you)

--Married Man Sex Life (for you)
--No More Mr. Nice Guy (for you)

For both of you to read:
--His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley (take free online questionnaire)
--Love Busters by Dr. Harley (take free online questionnaire)
--5 Love Languages (read this first, it's short, and take the online quiz, it's a jump start)
--Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend

And if you make it through that list and you see you're making progress:
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

------------------------------

Very first thing: take the free 5 Love Languages quiz online, it helps you see that people often show love in marriage the way they want to receive it, so you're like ships passing in the night. Do this first as a jump start to get some good will going.

Next, read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

Next, read Not Just Friends and / or Surviving an Affair. I'd go with NJF because it has a lot on emotional affairs and there will be parts to read your wife. But both books are good.

While you're doing this reading, have your wife fill out the free Her Needs and Love Busters questionnaires, you do the same. Get her to read these books while you're reading the others, then take your turn.

If you see things start to turn around, revisit the idea of marriage counseling. Next time, find a counselor who is pro-marriage and who is trained to deal with infidelity. Many counselors get it backward, they want to concentrate on the stuff that made the marriage vulnerable leading up to infidelity. 

This is the wrong way to go, however, because an affair is such a huge betrayal to the marriage that there is rarely anything the loyal spouse did to match. So you have to go to the core of WHY the cheater thought it was okay to violate marital boundaries in this way, rather than seeking counseling or divorce.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> If you're sure she's out of contact with her affair partner (AP)


Quoting myself here--the point Toffer is making and I whole-heartedly agree, is that you cannot fix a marriage with 3 people in it.

Many people mistakenly think that attending MC will somehow convince someone to break off an affair. 

The thing is--affairs are the stuff of fluffy fantasy
MC is HARD WORK

MC requires baring your soul and talking about difficult things
Someone in an affair is profoundly unmotivated to do this


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok so there has been lots of massages, hugging. No serious kissing but one of the massages did turn in to something last weekend. The full physical side often goes when she is upset or depressed so I'm trying to just back off.

I'm not fooling myself an have set a mental deadline of a couple of months to see if things improve. If it hasn't I'll cut loose. 

I am 99.9% the other guy is gone because that was the ultimatum any contact and I walk straight away. Which caused a massive stink at the time but when she challenged me very early on I stuck to my guns. 

I have read no more mr nice guy and the married mans already and have started to put them in to action. I will check out the others ASAP. Thank you.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> Ok so there has been lots of massages, hugging. No serious kissing but one of the massages did turn in to something last weekend. The full physical side often goes when she is upset or depressed so I'm trying to just back off.


You can also try to explain to her that sex is how a husband shows his deepest, most intimate love to his wife. You are very vulnerable when you are having sex, it is a show of trust to her that you want to have sex. It is an important way to bond, it is about love and not about release.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi SBM sorry you are here it sounds like she is still in the affair so at this time MC will not work I would suggest that sometimes you have to be willing to lose your m in a effort to get it back by this i mean start working on yourself doing things that you like to do and maybe developing some type new hobbies such as exercising etc If i was in this situation I would tell my wife that I consider a marriage to be 2 people not 3 and if she isnt willing to give up the affair partner i would consult an atty and file she should also be encouraged to move out since she is the one cheating what she is doing is called cake eating she doesnt want to give up om and she doesnt want to leave the comfort that you provide or lifestyle anyway the majority of the time this works it forces them to chose if she choses the om then she has checked out a long time ago it sounds like you still have a shot recovery will only work if both parties are commited to it 

Good Luck


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Thanks in the wind. As this happened about 12 weeks ago I read a lot of books at the time. So started exercising, learning piano made a load of list of places to go and things to do. She has stated that she has noticed a change in me recently, and she likes the way we ate heading. She has been very good at the little things round the house which I think I took for granted. 

We have had a bust up today. She's been highly emotional all day today and I think testing me. She said a line I didn't like and have asked calmly for an apology - lots of tears and door slamming. I've found my nuts at last let's see what happens


----------



## marriedglad (Dec 5, 2011)

In some cases, it is better to just snatch your rights instead of waiting for your wife to give them to you. 

Just try this idea, and see if it works out. In the middle of the night, go to her, start some casual talk then start playing with her hair, give her a kiss then start to take off her top, and put your hands on the hotspots. She may or may not try to stop you. You will discern that only when you actually try this. Sex is a guilty pleasure of enormous intensity. If it overpowers her, she will not be able to stop you. If it all goes well, have a good night and enjoy the return of the physics of your marriage.

As a result, if she's still in touch with that guy, she will suffer from guilt and ambiguity, and sooner or later will spill it all out. 

If you can, try this and tell us how it works. If it doesn't work well then you just need to do what you're doing now, i.e. have patience and wait for her to fall in love with you all over again.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Marriedglad, I hope he doesn't do that! 

It sounds like she's feeling lonely and unhappy, which is what dampens the physical arousal for women. If he goes in to fool around that way, it sends a message that his needs are more important than hers, which is likely to backfire. 

sbg, I think you're on the right track. It sounds like she's coming around, though you'll still need to get to the bottom of things. She may be starting to undergo some perimenopausal changes, too, which means fluctuations in her hormones could be starting now even though she won't be in menopause for many more years. These fluctuations can produce depression, poor concentration, changes in appetite, and some other stuff. I would encourage her to see a doctor if her feelings have only begun recently as she hits her mid-30s. 

If they're not from hormonal fluctuations, she'll need to identify what has led her to feeling as if her needs have not been getting met well within the marriage, and you'll both have to figure out what to do about that.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Well. I got the apology I was after eventually - she got a hug and a sandwich. All seems calmer now. This is all very interesting. Not 100% sure how I faired & whether I handled it in the best way. But it was a lot different to the old days. I feel the change is going to bring many more I'll keep you posted. Thanks all


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Humm, very distant now. Have a suspicion I failed that one. On to the next.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I am 99.9% the other guy is gone because that was the ultimatum any contact and I walk straight away. Which caused a massive stink at the time but when she challenged me very early on I stuck to my guns"

Sorry sbm but this wasn't a good sign. Again, she may have taken this underground. You need to get very stealthy and start checking up on her.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Hi toffer - ok sneaky have been doing (I can hear the disapproval) its all clean. And I'm good at tech.
He is also married in his early 50's and lives 400+ miles away just stays down here and works locally a couple of days. Ive been working from home more also.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> Humm, very distant now. Have a suspicion I failed that one. On to the next.


So do you feel satisfied that you got what you wanted? What did she want? Are the two of you making the relationship quality more important than your individual wants? Can you?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> Hi toffer - ok sneaky have been doing (I can hear the disapproval) its all clean. And I'm good at tech.
> He is also married in his early 50's and lives 400+ miles away just stays down here and works locally a couple of days. Ive been working from home more also.


You're not going to get any disapproval from me. When someone lies and lies and lies to you, you have little choice but to verify whether or not they're telling the truth. If indeed you want to invest the energy it takes to reconcile, which is very hard work, you need to make sure it's an investment worth making.

Confirming she is not in contact is only a short-term solution. It calms your anxiety and lets you focus on the the marriage and healing from her infidelity. It also gives her a chance to prove she is loyal and is working on the marriage. (Just be aware that frequently, after being confronted, a cheater will switch up their mode of communication.)

If cheaters would divorce you, then start dating, there would be no need for these shenanigans. The trouble is, they DON'T want to divorce you, they get too much out of having both relationships going simultaneously.

For some people, the very fact of the double dealing is grounds for divorce so they don't see the point. For those of us who have happily reconciled with their WSs (me included), we very much do see the point. But eventually like everyone else we have to give them back our trust, or there is no point in reconciliation. I just don't think that trust has to be given on day one. It needs to be earned back first.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

Are you with her all day? Does she have other avenues of communicating that you may not know about?

Again, I would recommend the VAR in the car since cheaters feel very comfortable talking in their cars when they are driving


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

She is not communicating with him that I am sure of. What I'm not sure of and doing right is connecting with her and manning up in her eyes. I need to charge those dopamine levels.... But I'm a fish out if water


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Could the two of you take up a physical hobby together? Work out at the Y or maybe spend a summer canoeing or something that gives you time together and produces physical strain to release endorphins?


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> She is not communicating with him that I am sure of. What I'm not sure of and doing right is connecting with her and manning up in her eyes. I need to charge those dopamine levels.... But I'm a fish out if water


I hope you can get her to fill out the Her Needs, Love Busters, and 5 Love Languages questionnaires. The first two are long. If she balks (my husband did) persuade her to just do one page a day until it gets done.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

We have been having lots of discussions about the future, things to finish the house, holidays. She signed up for a bike ride with me in late sept over the course of the last few weeks. So I know she wants to make a go of it. I think I just keep messing up the tests.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"He is also married in his early 50's and lives 400+ miles away just stays down here and works locally a couple of days. Ive been working from home more also"

SBM, this is a little concerning. He is in your area a few days a week if I'm reading that correctly. Unfortunately then it's highly possible that they have met up and could do so in the future.

Do you know where your wife has been every minute of every day since all this started??


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> "He is also married in his early 50's and lives 400+ miles away just stays down here and works locally a couple of days. Ive been working from home more also"
> 
> SBM, this is a little concerning. He is in your area a few days a week if I'm reading that correctly. Unfortunately then it's highly possible that they have met up and could do so in the future.
> 
> Do you know where your wife has been every minute of every day since all this started??


I did not pick up on that. I had thought there was little possibility of face-to-face contact. This is not good. 

But even if they don't meet face to face, it doesn't minimize the effects of a powerful fantasy. There is a forum member (posted in the CWI section) whose husband was in an EA. The woman moved 400+ miles away and the wife thought the EA was over but her husband remained distant and didn't seem to be working on the marriage as he should. Turns out they were still in contact and she is leaving him now (she suffered from infidelity in her first marriage and just couldn't take it any more with a cheater in her second one). But my point is, distance helps, but it sadly isn't enough to break a fantasy in every case.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Not ever minute of every day. But her timetable is pretty set because of the kids and their clubs, or if she has been out it is with friends of ours and she makes a point of letting me know where she is. We had a period of about 4 weeks where she was missing loads but after that (which felt was like going cold turkey) things have improved. And are constantly improving between us. I appreciate I can't be 100% but I'm as sure as I can be there is no comms. She is not tech savvy as me. 

My point is that I am sure she wants to stay, and I was after resources and guidance which you guys have pointed to. So I'll read them and report back.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

also use the lower tech VAR in the car approach! I'm willing to bet she's aware of your tech skills that's why a burner phonr or in-person meetings would be very good ways for them to be communicating

As others more wise than I have said "Trust but Verify"


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok. So I have been trying to up the ante kissing wise. But there is still a blocker there on her side - is it subconsciously she is saving herself, or are I back to the difficulties before all this started. I'm thinking the latter...


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Earlier she said she didn't want me to feel unloved, I ask her if she felt loved by me she said yes. But she doesn't feel loved within herself. I guess she's still hurting ..


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Yesterday she said she felt very depressed and like she was heading for a breakdown. Anyone got tips on handling depression?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> Not ever minute of every day. But her timetable is pretty set because of the kids and their clubs, or if *she has been out it is with friends of ours *and she makes a point of letting me know where she is. We had a period of about 4 weeks where she was missing loads but after that (which felt was like going cold turkey) things have improved. And are constantly improving between us. I appreciate I can't be 100% but I'm as sure as I can be there is no comms. She is not tech savvy as me.
> 
> My point is that I am sure she wants to stay, and I was after resources and guidance which you guys have pointed to. So I'll read them and report back.


Keep in mind these "friends" can cover up for her.

If the OM stops by for a few days you should be more concerned of it going physical.


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

I could be wrong but it sounds like the typical "stages" scenerio described in this book. 

Look under; The "stages" that women often experience during the course of their long-term relationships. 


Infidelity, Cheating Wives - Women's Infidelity


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Santa is this book any good?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

I'm sorry but you seem to be avoiding all the advice given to you about using devices such as the VAR.

Keeping your head stuck in the sand until you get the answer you want is dangerous. You feel something in your gut that's screaming at you to find out but you don't seem to be able to do the investigating you need to do

I hope I am wrong but there's only one way to find out.

Have you done any reading in the Infidelity section?


----------



## Santa (May 31, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> Santa is this book any good?


I wont lie and said I have read the entire book from from what I have read and my own experiences thru 2 marriages and even though I hate to admit it, lots of women.., the book seems to hit the nail on the head with alot of the women I have seen.

It seems to be the standard M.O. with most women, I'm afraid. And sadly they dont even see it and think its about them being "happy", when its really not that at all.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok break through today. She finally admitted the physical side and how long it had been going on. I confronted other man he denied it constantly and made light of it. Couldn't help but throw a couple of punches  felt good.
She's still in the fog to a degree but I think it's clearing. She admitted at first she had planned to come back try MC then after a few months call time. But she says something has changed between us and now she feels different - but still like the fantasy of how it was. I've been getting more alpha although I always was to a degree I was working too hard and away a lot. Am I kidding myself? I'm happy to call time and have a plan for what I would do when if I have to move on.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

Time for some hard realities:

You and she need to get tested for STDs as soon as possible. If she tells you they always used a condom, don't believe her. Protect your self and don't have sex with her until you get the results for the both of you.

You need to also figure out if she's truly remorseful for what she's done or is she simply choosing you as the back-up plan? Based on what you wrote (but still like the fantasy of how it was) I really don't think she's remorsful. There also may be a good chance the OM has finished with her. Sorry to say but I think you may be Plan B

She should also give you access to EVERYTHING such as cell phone, Facebook, email etc.

Expose the other man! Does he have a wife or GF? You should also consider imforming his company's HR deoartment. Many companies have policies against this type of behavior.

Do you want to R with your wife knowing that she's violated your trust at the highest level?

If yes, get into MC right away and start working on that!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to expose the boss to HR and his wife. ASAP. Your wife won't get fired. This will be seen as a boss abusing his authority. You've got him dead center so pull the trigger. This will show your wife that you are an alpha protector and it will remove her daily contact with the OM. 

Win-win

Do it quickly do it is seen as you during decisive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

She left that workplace in feb. DDay was 13th march there has been no contact since then. Time to tell the OMs wife. Let's light the fireworks!


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

Also tell his work because I'm willing to bet it was going on when she worked for him!


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

It was she fussed up today that it has been going on a year. Gutted. But when I discovered in march I knew it was bad but up until today didn't know how much. Feeling a lot of relief for finally knowing. Bit weird huh.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hang in there sbm.

Now is the time to blow the lid off it if you're so inclined. Expose to her family and expose to the other man's family and HR department

Look up the 180 here at TAM and implement it full force. Go completely dark on this woman and don't look back!


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Her family and my family know already as do many of our friends since back in march. I'm writing to OW right now. I'll find the 180 - cheers. Weirdly I'm feeling positive. I don't want to loose my children, but courts over here in the uk have a different view. But we'll see. Actions speak louder than words


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

Does everyone who already knows thinks it's an EA or do they know about the PA? Set the record straight!

Also, do not let your wife know you're going to contact the OM's wife. That would give him time to get his story together.

Good luck with everything and keep posting. We are all here for you!


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

I probably just did the wrong thing but I casually said I wanted to call time on us. She stormed off - lets see what happens. The play is she realises she's about to loose everything - could backfire. But thought I'd give it a go.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ah ok. So not the reaction I was expecting. Next morning she said se was sad and scared. Sad for loosing everything and scared of what's ahead. I said I called because that's what the vibe was. She said she still wasn't sure there is just to much guilt and pain. The fact she is not falling over herself to stay tells me what I need to know - or am I missing the guilt/depression aspect


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Lots of tears saying its too soon to make that decision and that's part of my trouble that I have knee jerk reactions to things. Which I can agree with. 
She also said she wished every time that it could be erased from history and she has no idea why she kept going back.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

For some people, hitting the eject button as soon as they find out is one way for them to cope and they know that they can't ever be with their spouse again after they've slept with someone else. For others, this decesion is one that can't be made for months or years even. There are others who try and are able to put it behind them an d re-build a solid marriage

Basically, you have to do what is right for YOU.

You don't have to make the decision today or tomorrow but if you're pretty sure how you feel about this, why put the two of you through the pain and suffering of trying to fix a damaged marriage?

If I were you and my spouse wanted any chance at reconciliation, I think I'd have to know every detail before I could make that decision. I would want her to agree to a polygraph to find out how many times they were together and if there were others in the past. But that's just me.

I agree that she doesn't sound too remorseful or maybe it's just the fact that she knows she really screwed up and is being accepting of the consequences.

Hang in there. You'll get through this with the help of family and friends as well as the other good folks here


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Thanks toffer I'm having a really tough day. I just keep thinking WTF should I bother. I don't need her financially, she day to day makes a good wife but our sex life has even crappy for a while. but my kids do need a mother. Ahh the confusion.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

SMB if she's not willing to be physical again I wouldn't hold my breath betting on her to come around. Once a woman doesn't want a man physically it's usually time to either become celibate, become a monk/priest or become a eunuch or buy a life time subscription to porn sites.

Miracles can happen but I strongly doubt it. Did you both have a health sex life prior to the affair?

BTW, she might eventually give you the pity sex just to get off her back. I've been there (4 or 5 years ago, pity sex isn't worth it). Although my wife still finds me attractive, sans the beer belly. If she gave me the line I'm no longer physically attracted to you, I'll give her the line I'm no longer your husband. Not gonna be a roomate, F that.

Have you set a time table for how long you're gonna wait it out? It seems you're willing to wait until eternity for her to come around, as long as she's saying she still loves you.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Well she said that it's the guilt / depression holding her back. I don't think it was. This all came out in march, but she only fussed the physical side 2 days ago. She's been holding it back. Last night I said we're done. This morning she was liked its too soon there is still hope. 
I think there is no way back given the events now I have the truth.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Sorry it has come to this but life is too short, don't wait for a cheating, ungrateful wife to give you a good sex. You deserve better. Plus long term affairs are an emotional drain to the betrayed husband to come over. Unless you want to lose your sanity and be paranoid 24/7, your best bet is to run and run hard.

Also I read in another thread, in UK you have a short window to file for divorce on grounds of adultery you might want to look into that. 

Last minute corcodile tears will continue to come, don't fall for them.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I've been there, done that and feel soo bad for you as it's tough to fall out of love with someone.

I hate to say it but once the trust is gone..there is no getting it back..even IF she said that she really loved you again.

I know it hurts, but you can do better and you will.

The thing is..once you get out of a marriage where you no longer trust your spouse..it's a hard road to hoe but eventually you will learn to trust someone again. The most important thing...is that you need to find yourself again. Be happy being single for one thing and find happiness in yourself. 

It's not so bad being alone. To be honest..it's much better than living with someone you can no longer trust.

I wish you much luck in the future..


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Yeah it hurts like hell. I still love her but I've had enough. She says she still loves me but if she did why would she do it! Confused - is it just my pride, am I being too rash? She's offered to cuddle and I've turned her down. I guess I need space from her.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Rash? Wasn't she one when she screwed another man behind your back and lied to your face?

The sooner you look at her with those views the faster you'll get over her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

True. She is so remorseful and sad it hurts to see her this way and me being so cold as I'm normally very loving. She is still really trying to reconcile - and part of me loves her, and thinks its the best option for the children.
She knew cheating was a deal breaker for me. She knew she would get caught. She openly admits that and was scared about it. 16 years is a long time to throw away...


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Youre not throwing away the 16 years. You'll still be keeping the memories but move on without her in your life.

As for her remorse, why didn't she stop after the first time? But kept going back and back and back... I don't see her being remorseful, just sorry she was caught.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Keko I said that exact line to here about going back (thank for that). I've previously mentioned the dopamine effect like cocaine and she said "it was a difficult roundabout to get off - go and find some drug abusers and ask them why they keep doing it. I just don't know".


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

sbm,

IF this is truly the deal breaker you say it is, you have your answer and no one here will think any less of you. Everybody has their limits.

I don't think I could spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder waiting for the next fall. It would make me too paranoid.

In your case, had this been a one night druken episode and she had confessed it without being caught, I would be inclined to reconsider but that's not what we're dealing with here is it?


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

No I guess not. All the time it went on our sex life remained constant. And our interactions where the same. So confusing. But I have my rules.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Also I told her divorce is on the cards 3 days ago and she still hasn't contacted the OM.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Don't mistake this non-contact for something it may not be

Many exposed spouses will turn over a new leaf once they realize what it is they are giving up (a meal ticket) and that there's no future with the OM (mainly because he won't leave his wife)

Be very careful in this territory!


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok so 2 days of divorce talk. Seems like someone has finally woken up. Much back tracking on things said. Is it now time to fix this and rebuild?


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok so 2 days of divorce talk. Seems like someone has finally woken up. Much back tracking on things said. Is it now time to fix this and rebuild? I do want to R and bring our family back together. When does the confusion end?


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

I said I was going to meet a girl she has always been jealous of for lunch to test the reaction. The reaction was as expected, which was interesting to see. But I guess it's having the cake and eating it syndrome. Although she has always said she loves me and agreed NC since first day.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Long term affairs are extremely hard to come over(R). Yes she can keep NC for a few days/weeks but at some point she will contact OM. Are you ready to have your boundaries tested? What will you then?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

keko said:


> Long term affairs are extremely hard to come over(R). Yes she can keep NC for a few days/weeks but at some point she will contact OM. Are you ready to have your boundaries tested? What will you then?



keko is right. A long term affair builds up emotional connections with the other man. It will always be a part of her. Everything you do now, she will see through the filter of the OM.

When you both fight/argue over things, she'll have thoughts in the back of her head that the other man loved her more.

Her relationship with you will never, ever be the same. And, the trust issue, can you ever get it back? Can you live your life knowing you cant trust her 100%?


I hope you exposed to the OMW and also informed his employer. It doesnt matter if it was a while ago. Inform them, it will be in his file if nothing else.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

sbm1977 said:


> Ok so 2 days of divorce talk. Seems like someone has finally woken up. Much back tracking on things said. Is it now time to fix this and rebuild? I do want to R and bring our family back together. When does the confusion end?


She currently in a defensive mode and,thus, will say anything. 


Staying together for the kids may shift the heavy dynamics onto your kids. In the future when they see your unhappiness, they may blame themselves (even though they shouldnt). Hopefully that does not screw them up psychologically.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

I booked the estate agents today to come value the house. She flipped out saying its too soon there is still hope for us. She's taken an interest in the books I've been reading on here now. I'm still taking everything with a pinch of salt but interesting times. All your advice is always welcome. Some of it I use and apply some of it I'm not I'm trying to adapt it to our circumstances.

I'm trying to find om's home address to post his wife a letter. Proving tricky but I will find it!


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> I booked the estate agents today to come value the house. She flipped out saying its too soon there is still hope for us. She's taken an interest in the books I've been reading on here now.


Is she kidding you? Too soon? Where was her head when she was fvcking the brains out of the OM? 

Oh now that she is caught and is facing what a life of a single mom will be, she's starting to read books.



> I'm trying to find om's home address to post his wife a letter. Proving tricky but I will find it


Instead of postage try finding her phone, this way your mail can't be intercepted by the OM. Or worst case scenario go to her house when you think OM isn't there and have a talk face to face.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> True. She is so remorseful and sad it hurts to see her this way and me being so cold as I'm normally very loving. She is still really trying to reconcile - and part of me loves her, and thinks its the best option for the children.
> She knew cheating was a deal breaker for me. She knew she would get caught. She openly admits that and was scared about it. 16 years is a long time to throw away...


Maybe I'm wrong about this, but what I see as so deadly from the PA confession is trickle truth, even more than the fact that it was physical. That is, she deliberately chose not to come clean right way when you found out in March. March was a while ago. She strung you along for weeks making it out that it was just an EA. Basically she lied to you for a year, got caught, and then continued right on lying.

On the plus side--I'm assuming that she admitted it was physical. You didn't catch her in this last additional lie. If you had caught her in this lie I'd say D her and don't look back. But the fact that she admitted to it first and took her lumps, even weeks late, says that she is ready to move on and try true R.

I still vote for not making hasty decisions. I didn't get true remorse from my husband until I found out the last parts of his lies. Nearly all APs trickle truth because they can't face their guilt over their own immorality (they lie to themselves that what you don't know can't hurt you).

Only you know what you can live with. I would not stay with her just because your children need a mother. You also need to set an example for them of what it means to be in a loving marriage, and if you can't manage that, well, consider whether simply having a fellow babysitter / roommate in the house really cuts it.

You say she's been NC since March? But I think you haven't used a VAR, correct? What other methods have you used to verify NC?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

sbm1977 said:


> Her family and my family know already as do many of our friends since back in march. I'm writing to OW right now. I'll find the 180 - cheers. Weirdly I'm feeling positive. I don't want to loose my children, but courts over here in the uk have a different view. But we'll see. Actions speak louder than words


Please please contact HR. it is very much against the rules and the law when a boss has sex with a worker. This guy trashed yor marriage and will do it to others as well. Pease report him. He will hopefully be dismissed. Dont let trash like him hang around to do it again to other husbands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok. Your probably going to think I'm crazy but it felt time to R last night. Obviously everyone's situation is different, and some of you won't agree with me. But i said its not 100% permanent from my side I wouldn't commit past end off July I would give it a try for a bit longer. Plus we need to make a list of x,y,z to work on together. etc

She did confess the pa on her own, that she had been hiding since march. i honestly feel in my heart it's the right thing for us. If I am being stupid or blind I will take the consequences down the line, fool me twice shame on me!

Meantime I will do the VAR and keep a close eye on things.

All your comments and support have been fantastic. I'll keep posting as things progress as its early days for sure.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Ok so in the spirit of honesty she confessed to breaking the NC rule twice in the first week back in March, even though I had said it would mean instant divorce.
It's good that she is being open and honest. Things have moved on massively and we are in deep R*. but how do I punish when we have come so far? There has to be consequences.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

sbm1977 said:


> Ok so in the spirit of honesty *she confessed to breaking the NC rule twice in the first week back in March, even though I had said it would mean instant divorce.*
> It's good that she is being open and honest. Things have moved on massively and we are in deep R*. but how do I punish when we have come so far? There has to be consequences.



How is that good??There has to be consequences!

It was supposed to be divorce..Right???
You really need to find out what those talks, was about..

OM wasn't leaving or???

Am i fiead that you are moving to fast


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Good point. 

Aside from D what other consequences to people recommend? NC is confirmed. What else have people done ?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sbm1977 said:


> Ok so in the spirit of honesty she confessed to breaking the NC rule twice in the first week back in March, even though I had said it would mean instant divorce.


Rugsweeping will actually work against you in long-term.


Look into having her sign a post-nuptial agreement, so incase she cheats again, she'll walk away from the marriage with nothing. Don't delay this and be firm on your requests or else she'll know your weak spot and continue to abuse it.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Keko like it. I'll look in to that right away


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

So I suggested it today and she was not up for it at all. Saying that emotions and financial things are completely different and that a piece of paper is going to make this pain and trust issue go away it's. Going to take longer to heal this.... I was very disappointed and made that clear. So now I'm pondering my next move...


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Shows she is in it for the $$ and not love.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

We don't have much though. We pretty much have a house and that's it


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No it's the way she's responding back to your requests. She cheated so you set the terms for reconciliation not her. If she was truly remorseful I'm sure you know she wouldn't even hesitated for just a second.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Increase the degree of exposure, especially on the OMs side. Each time she has broken NC, the OM gets another dose of public exposure and humiliation,

At this point, I would post him on cheaterville.com, and send a letter to his parents an SO if you haven't already.

The consequence is that fr each N.c break, she get to know the OM suffers another hit from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

What other suggestions shall I make. God I'm clueless when it comes to this!! Se has been reading the books with me, she has agreed to mc. She has been attentive etc.


----------



## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

smb1977....the very sad thing is that..once the trust is gone..it's gone forever. The sadder thing is...do you want to live the rest of your life with someone you sooo love..but can no longer trust??

The choice is yours and a very hard decision to make but...the question is..will your marriage continue to be happy if you're living with her while no longer trusting her??


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

So it's been a couple of weeks since that massive show of emotion by her. Things that are going wrong on my side - I'm not building attraction well enough. I keep fking it up and having heavy chat, & over analysing. I know I need time to heal but without being excellent she won't stay. Arrggh I'm getting so cross with myself. But I've been reading about passive-aggression and I do some, and I can see she does it a lot. Why can't I stand up and man up to her. Wtf am I afraid of?!


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

sbm1977 said:


> So it's been a couple of weeks since that massive show of emotion by her. Things that are going wrong on my side - I'm not building attraction well enough. I keep fking it up and having heavy chat, & over analysing. I know I need time to heal but without being excellent she won't stay. Arrggh I'm getting so cross with myself. But I've been reading about passive-aggression and I do some, and I can see she does it a lot. Why can't I stand up and man up to her. Wtf am I afraid of?!


I think you are taking the wrong approach and have to wrong mindset which is why you are failing. Nothing you do will ever impress her so stop trying. 

Women love men they respect and are proud of which is why standing up for yourself will do that. Once she sees you can not only live without her but will flourish and can find someone better THEN she will become enamored with you. Build your confidence to the point where she thinks she will lose you to another woman and that will make her want you more.

Go to the gym, flirt with other girls, work out the hypothetical logistics of being single, and stop talking to her. Emotionally detach and work on building yourself up and loving yourself again and KNOW that you don’t need her in your life. In the end, the best way to get them back is to not even try. You giving up on her will make her have to work to keep you.

It sucks but that's just human nature. You either adapt to it or become a victim to it.


----------



## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Army that is quality advice.

We had been stuck in a rut for a while without either of us saying. Last night when I asked if she regrets it she said yes, but not that she has found out that there is more to her. Not sure what that entirely means but hopefully it means she knows she has issues and good points and we can work on them both.


----------

