# Finding myself.



## GYATC (Jun 20, 2012)

I will have been married for 11 years this September and have 2 beautiful kids 9 and 4. My wife and I have always been best friends but struggled in what I thought was normal married life.

About 4 months ago my wife came home and seemed as though she was a different person. I asked her what was wrong and for a while she would give the standard answer, "Nothing I am just tired". Finally after enough probing she told me she was not emotionally connected to me anymore. That we were very surface and had no depth to our relationship. Immediately I went to counseling to see why I had caused her to feel this way, and started pushing to make things right. The problem I have had in the past is I push so hard that it pushed her away even further.

I found out a month later that she had been with another man that day in my home. I was completely blown away. I had her move out and then 2 days later had her move into the finished basement. Once again rather than letting her try to mend things I did. I forgave after 4 days but only because I am the type of person who won’t move on unless I forgive. I can assure you it does not mean I liked her at all. 

We have been in counseling now weekly and things have gotten better, however she still does not have the emotional connection to me that is needed... Okay so here is where the whole finding myself comes into play. 

I am the product of a broken home. In fact a broken 4 times while I was a kid. So I have always wanted to be married only once and make sure it is the best marriage it can be. I have ALWAYS been faithful to my wife and never put myself in a position that could lead me to being unfaithful. The problem is I always have viewed marriage as this fragile thing that can be broken by even the slightest arguments. Sooooo I have always been non-confrontational in my marriage and she has done the same. So while we used to boast about never fighting in our marriage little did we know it was slowly killing us. Resentment snuck in and we both never spoke our minds. So when things got bad emotionally for her she never came to me. 

Now 3 months later I have found myself in this relationship. No more will I hold back or allow myself to be that guy. We have become cohabitating parents and actually remain really good friends and get along quite well given the circumstances. Unfortunately I don’t know if we will ever be more than that again. I will no longer allow myself to be the guy begging and hoping for more. I have been giving a lot of thought to divorce and she is now the one begging me to stay and try harder. I just think I have done everything I could. The problem is I do have kids and don't want to leave them but I am in desperate need to be with someone who wants to be with me. How long do I give this before I walk away.

My big issue is that I don’t want to push it to the point that resentment really starts brewing and I can't stand her. I would rather walk away best friends, celebrate the last 11 years and keep a strong friendly relationship for the kids... I just don’t know where that line is... 

Any help would be great.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

First of all whichever path you choose do not leave the house.

This man she slept with, does he have a wife? If so did you tell her? This will ensure that side of the affair is killed.

Bringing in another into your house is a big humiliation, will you ever forget that part and not be resentful?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I truly beg your forgiveness because I know you tried to explain things, but I am extremely confused. I feel like you said an awful lot without actually saying anything. I get the message that you've been thinking about divorce, but I don't quite understand why. I also need you to explain what a few of your sentences mean, please.

_I found out a month later that she had been with another man that day in my home._

Are you saying she slept with another man? Yes, I know I need specifics, but I'm the kind of person who would rather not try to work through vague statements.

_however she still does not have the emotional connection to me that is needed_

Does this lack of emotional connection mean the same as when she first said she doesn't have emotional connection? Or, does it mean the two of you are not having sex?

_Once again rather than letting her try to mend things I did._

I don't understand this one at all. You had her move out (into the finished basement) after finding out what she did. But, what does this statement mean?

What I understand of your post is that your wife had an affair. You made her move into the basement and forgave her 4 days later. You both are attending marriage counseling and things are getting better. You are still close friends but not lovers (I assume), but she is not able to get close again. You are thinking about divorce after trying your best to mend the marriage. She wants to keep trying, but you don't think it will work. You don't think she will ever feel connected to you again, and you don't want to grow to resent and dislike her for that.

Am I right? Did I miss anything?

1. I don't believe you have forgiven her for the affair, especially since you say you don't like her.

How to Survive an Affair
Plan A and Plan B
How Can Trust Be Restored After an Affair

2. You said you have done all that you can do, but you don't say what you have done. What exactly have you done? Please be specific. And for what reason have done you them? What problems did you want your efforts to address? What outcome did you hope your efforts to accomplish? I ask these questions because I don't understand your post in terms of what exactly the problem is and how it relates to the advice/information/comments/support that you seek. Sorry, but like I said I'm confused. I really think your wife needs you to make her fall in love with you again. You know, like you did the first time. Frankly, you both need it, so you both should read these articles and books and do the questionnaires together.

Summary of Basic Concepts, click and read each topic on the left side ribbon bar. 
His Needs, Her Needs
Fireproof
The Love Dare

Fireproof is a movie you can rent, buy, or borrow from the library. The Love Dare is the book that accompanies the movie. Here is a good explanation of the book so you know what it is about.

If you take my advice, you both have a lot of reading, learning, and talking to do that should keep you busy working on your marriage, your behaviors, and your feelings for a very long a time. Take your time and enjoy it. When doing each questionnaire, print out 2 copies - one for you and one for her. Give yourselves a time frame (1 week? 10 days? two weeks?) to fill in the blanks, When you both are done, read each other's questionnaire. You have to obligate yourselves to work on ceasing behaviors that the other doesn't like. At the end of 3 months, candidly but amicably discuss your progress. Make learning to fall in love with each other and satisfying each other's needs the number one mission in your marriage.

3. To help improve affection, intimacy, and your sex life, asking for it or hoping for it doesn't mean you're working on it. 

How Can A Husband Receive The Sex He Needs
Married Man Sex Life Primer
Alpha/Beta Male Traits

And just good information......
What Every Husband Should Know About His Wife
What Every Wife Should Know About Her Husband


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## jtut21 (Mar 21, 2012)

A lifetime is a long time to be with someone and you can be certain that there will be difficult times in a marriage. However, moving into a new phase of your life due to some difficulty that you are facing in your marriage now will not ease the challenge that you are facing. Rather it will only compound the issues. It is understandable that you are feeling worn out by all the recent difficulty in your relationship. You did say that things are getting better and she is now wanting to work things out. Absolutely do all that you can to avoid repeating the cycle of a broken home with your children. Your marriage is absolutely the most important thing for you and your family right now. It will take time for both of you to work through your feelings but continue to do the things that are working.

All the best,

Josh


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