# Living A Lie



## Bek9201 (Feb 28, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 9yrs (together 16). Two children (aged 2 & 6). He's always been a flirter and im the quiet shy one. He always holds the conversations where as i prefer to listen.
There's been many girls over the years ( just texting etc) about 8. The deli girl where he got his lunch to old girlfriends. I've never felt special or been the only one.
Fast forward about 2yrs ago, he finally admitted he'd cheated 3 times - which was no shock to me as I have access to his emails and phone records. He only knows about the phone access. So over the yrs ive seen him email girl after girl.
Anyway, he falls for a hooker - sugar baby he calls her. Swears he'll give her up.
Fast forward a year they are still talking - he never gave her up.
I caught him out. We fought, but seem to fall back in the same rut - pretending nothings happened.

Question is, as i already know he's still talking to a hooker, do i stay around for the kids.

Basically living a lie to give the kids " a good home". 

I'm so confused. Does anyone stay around knowing what goes on around your back?

Thanks all
Xx


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's a serial cheater. Which means he'll never stop. 

Take some serious time and think about what you want.

Kids learn most from their parents. What are you going to teach them as they grow older. They aren't stupid. Good home? Really

If they grow up and face this what would you want them to do?

He's messing with hookers. You are at risk for STD infections, HIV, etc.

Why do you value yourself so little?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

No, I wouldn't stick around for the kids. A home where Dad is off screwing hookers and Mom is home crying is not a good home. You don't say if you have sons or daughters or one of each, but would you want your daughter to learn to accept that behavior? Would you want your son to learn that's acceptable for him to do in his marriage? NO? Then you need to leave. 

But even more importantly, you need to leave for yourself. You are worth so much more than what your scumbag of a husband is giving you. Call a lawyer this week and figure out what you need to do to get free of him. It will hurt, and it will be hard but in the end, you'll be happy that you did it. You may even find someone new who will make you feel special because to him, you will be special.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Make sure that you contact and see the lawyer before taking any actions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google all you can serial cheaters. There is literally no hope he will change. You must make changes to save your children and yourself. There are plenty of good men out there looking for a good woman.

When you file he will promise you the world most likely. He can’t keep those promises.

Do you have family near you? Are you employed? What state do you live in? Divorce laws are very different in each state. How long married?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

It sounds like you want to stay with him (which I think just about everyone who posts here initially wants).

Have you talked with him about how you feel? Never let him know your source of info (i.e., the email access). Tell him about how you never felt special. Tell him what you want in marriage. What changes he should make. Make no ultimatums or threats. My feeling is that he has a void, something missing in him, that won't be easily fixed. Prepare yourself mentally for the time you will be able to mentally take the leap and leave him. 

If you left him right now, what would your life be like? What would you want it to be? Get a consult with an attorney. Don't let him know about it. Figure out what you can do now to prepare for your future life without him if you should eventually decide to leave him.

Most likely, he will not stop his behavior. But I believe most people who initially post here are not quite ready and have the mindset of "I want to do everything I could have in order for my peace of mind." Most, maybe all, worry about their kids and the effect on this.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Together 9 years. Sorry I missed that. Find out what the length of time in marriage means to alimony in your state. 

As far as your questions about staying for the kids, the vast majority here will say no way in hell. That’s because you can’t be the best mom you can be with the a cheater hanging on to you. That destroys the soul.
The diseases he can bring home are way more lethal than they used to be. Have yourself checked now. Condoms are no protection from some diseases and any cheater that says he’s using them is lying anyway.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Take some of the money he's been blowing on his hooker and get yourself a lawyer.

Aren't you way overdue to finally show yourself the respect you deserve?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Bek9201 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9yrs (together 16). Two children (aged 2 & 6). He's always been a flirter and im the quiet shy one. He always holds the conversations where as i prefer to listen.
> There's been many girls over the years ( just texting etc) about 8. The deli girl where he got his lunch to old girlfriends. I've never felt special or been the only one.
> Fast forward about 2yrs ago, he finally admitted he'd cheated 3 times - which was no shock to me as I have access to his emails and phone records. He only knows about the phone access. So over the yrs ive seen him email girl after girl.
> Anyway, he falls for a hooker - sugar baby he calls her. Swears he'll give her up.
> ...


I'm very curious. You've turned a blind eye to his shenanigans for years. Why are you concerned about his antics now? Is it that he's fallen for one particular woman?

My mother had a very similar situation to yours where she turned a blind eye to all of my dad's extra marital activities "for the kids". She ignored it until he "fell in luv" with one of his side chicks. Only then did she draw the line in the sand. Unfortunately, he'd lost all respect for her by that point. She learned you can't put the demons back into Pandora's box once it is open. They divorced but reconciled years later. 

Only you can decide if you want to stay with him or not but understand that he will continue to be who he is because that is who he is. You can accept him as such or divorce him but you will not change him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bek9201 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9yrs (together 16). Two children (aged 2 & 6). He's always been a flirter and im the quiet shy one. He always holds the conversations where as i prefer to listen.
> There's been many girls over the years ( just texting etc) about 8. The deli girl where he got his lunch to old girlfriends. I've never felt special or been the only one.
> Fast forward about 2yrs ago, he finally admitted he'd cheated 3 times - which was no shock to me as I have access to his emails and phone records. He only knows about the phone access. So over the yrs ive seen him email girl after girl.
> Anyway, he falls for a hooker - sugar baby he calls her. Swears he'll give her up.
> ...


Some people do put up with it and have their own rules and understanding.

Would he have a problem staying until the kids are grown while you had a man or two discreetly?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Bek9201 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9yrs (together 16). Two children (aged 2 & 6). He's always been a flirter and im the quiet shy one. He always holds the conversations where as i prefer to listen.
> There's been many girls over the years ( just texting etc) about 8. The deli girl where he got his lunch to old girlfriends. I've never felt special or been the only one.
> Fast forward about 2yrs ago, he finally admitted he'd cheated 3 times - which was no shock to me as I have access to his emails and phone records. He only knows about the phone access. So over the yrs ive seen him email girl after girl.
> Anyway, he falls for a hooker - sugar baby he calls her. Swears he'll give her up.
> ...


I'm wondering why you married him after knowing he was not faithful when you were together. He is selfish, cares only about himself--not you or kids, lies, disrespects you, exposes you to disease, has no moral compass. And these are only things you know about. This is no example for anyone's kids. Children of serial cheaters are more likely to cheat.

So now he is supporting his sidepiece--a hooker and lies about it. How do you maintain a facade of being a wife and mother? Deep down you either feel a lot of pain or have given up. IMO, you are disrespecting yourself by staying. There is a difference between being an outgoing guy and a serial cheater.

What will happen to your kids if you die from one of his diseases or otherwise and he and the hooker or the next sugar baby raise your children? Think about the future and find the courage to leave this nightmare--you do not have a marriage! Talk to a lawyer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> I'm very curious. You've turned a blind eye to his shenanigans for years. Why are you concerned about his antics now? Is it that he's fallen for one particular woman?
> 
> My mother had a very similar situation to yours where she turned a blind eye to all of my dad's extra marital activities "for the kids". She ignored it until he "fell in luv" with one of his side chicks. Only then did she draw the line in the sand. Unfortunately, he'd lost all respect for her by that point. She learned you can't put the demons back into Pandora's box once it is open. They divorced but reconciled years later.
> 
> Only you can decide if you want to stay with him or not but understand that he will continue to be who he is because that is who he is. You can accept him as such or divorce him but you will not change him.


WOW! What a story!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The short answer is you DON'T stay for the kids.

As other posters have (no doubt, correctly) assumed, you are still having sex with him.

It's no good to your kids to have their mother die from the effects of an STD like HPV.

People get so consumed by the heartache that they are blind to the down and dirty - and sometimes life-threatening - results of cheating, esp. cheating with hookers.

You've turned a blind eye to this for years. Why? Start protecting yourself, and by extension, your kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children observe far more in dysfunctional marriages than their parents think they do. And they often grow up to repeat that dysfunction. I did.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

He is lying to himself the same way he is lying to you... believing that no real harm can come when it has already become your lifestyle.

Bring respect back into your life and your problem will solve itself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lila said:


> I'm very curious. You've turned a blind eye to his shenanigans for years. Why are you concerned about his antics now? Is it that he's fallen for one particular woman?
> 
> My mother had a very similar situation to yours where she turned a blind eye to all of my dad's extra marital activities "for the kids". She ignored it until he "fell in luv" with one of his side chicks. Only then did she draw the line in the sand. Unfortunately, he'd lost all respect for her by that point. She learned you can't put the demons back into Pandora's box once it is open. They divorced but reconciled years later.
> 
> Only you can decide if you want to stay with him or not but understand that he will continue to be who he is because that is who he is. You can accept him as such or divorce him but you will not change him.


Some people suddenly reach their limit and will tolerate no more.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very hard to understand why you married him and had children with him after 7 years of knowing him before that, that he was a cheater and liar and a generally no good man. 

You have no marriage, not in the true sense, you may as well legally end it. He is a truly terrible role model for the children. 

Oh and do NOT have sex with him, goodness knows what Stds he has caught. 

Go and see a good lawyer and get some advise as to the next step.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Find the best lawyer you can find a take him for everything he’s worse. Get full custody of the kids and go from there


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Do not stay in this disgusting situation for the kids, they will eventually resent you for that one day. You do them no favors by keeping them in this toxic environment, plus you are teaching them a terrible relationship dynamic. Is THIS the kind of marriage you hope for for them some day, that they either cheat or sit there doing nothing while being cheated ON?? Surely you dont wish that for them. 

You deserve better than this, you need to figure that out. NO MAN is worth this kind of self degradation.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Bek9201 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9yrs (together 16). Two children (aged 2 & 6).....
> 
> ...he finally admitted he'd cheated 3 times - which was no shock to me
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. First get a copy of MW Davis book Divorce Busting and read it carefully. It is about things that you can do to change yourself so that your marriage will change (maybe for the better or maybe for divorce).

You question as to staying for the kids implies that your H is not going to change himself. That is probably a good assumption as long as you are not willing to stand up for what is rightfully your marriage and demand he live his vows of marriage. 

If you don't intent to set a boundary on his behavior, then staying for the kids probably isn't that great an idea. Parents mentor their children and set up in the minds of their children how to show love and respect (or lack thereof) for their children's future relationships.

You don't sound like you really want a divorce at this point. Assuming you have thought about it, and still aren't ready for divorce, I would give him an ultimatum (that you can actually live with) and set up some marriage counseling time with him. 

Ask your H what he thinks you are likely to do if he keeps seeing sugar babies who are really prostitutes in your mind. 

Ask him if he really thinks you are OK with that and will not leave him at some point?

Ask him what he thinks his children would say if he were arrested in some police sting or they found out that the sugar baby dad liked was a victim of sex trafficking? 

Be brave, be strong, set some behavior boundaries of what you will and will not accept from your H. Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Bek9201 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 9yrs (together 16). Two children (aged 2 & 6). He's always been a flirter and im the quiet shy one. He always holds the conversations where as i prefer to listen.
> There's been many girls over the years ( just texting etc) about 8. The deli girl where he got his lunch to old girlfriends. I've never felt special or been the only one.
> Fast forward about 2yrs ago, he finally admitted he'd cheated 3 times - which was no shock to me as I have access to his emails and phone records. He only knows about the phone access. So over the yrs ive seen him email girl after girl.
> Anyway, he falls for a hooker - sugar baby he calls her. Swears he'll give her up.
> ...


You are rug sweeping hoping things will change. They won’t. It sounds like you have been through hell and are in denial because you are trauma bonded to your POS husband. It is time to stop denying your reality and face the truth of who you are married to.
Then get therapy to see your reality. If you were not in denial you would have refused to be cheated on and mistreated like this.
Time to get your ducks in a row.
Talk to a lawyer see what your options are.
You must do this for your children if not for yourself.


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## Bek9201 (Feb 28, 2018)

Thanks all for your replies. Its been very eye opening for me.

Just to clarify a few things, i cant remember all the questions.

With the girls over the years, he flirted with them via text. He loves the instant replies. To my knowledge it never went further.

When he confessed to sleeping with two randoms, one to fulfill his fantasy of a threesome which he had. I was "boring". 

The sugar baby i was jealous of cos he was and probably still in love with her. He shared lots of personal stuff to her, some about be. She's very out there which he loves. But she lives a "free" lifestyle and moves around. She wont come back to this state, cos her ex is after her. He's pretty obsessed with her. I saw texts saying i love you and "good morning beautiful" when i get a grunt.

Anyway, we got into an argument lastnight and its over. Today he openly used his phone to call her, the sugar baby. 

I know he doesn't want to rock the boat too much cos he thinks it'll cost him money. 

My eyes hurt from crying. I can get over him not loving me, but to leave his children. I would die if i didn't see my children all the time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Bek9201 said:


> I would die if i didn't see my children all the time.


No. You won't. My ex-wife didn't believe I would leave a bad marriage at the expense of my two young children.


I'm going to give you the deep-dive personal piece that you will fundamentally need to come to terms with in order to make a choice.

Does the pain at the thought of leaving the marriage, outweigh the pain of staying?

It hasn't ... for a decade. That was exactly the point at which I decided that I could care for, and still love my children, while moving on with my life, without being married to their mother. It has been a decade since. I'm better. She's better. Our kids are thriving.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Deejo said:


> Bek9201 said:
> 
> 
> > I would die if i didn't see my children all the time.
> ...


 This is excellent advice. Additionally, I am almost always in favor of 5050 custody. In your gross husband's case, however, I would fight that tooth and nail and let him be and every other weekend dad. That will give him more time to flirt and be gross.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> This is excellent advice. Additionally, I am almost always in favor of 5050 custody. In your gross husband's case, however, I would fight that tooth and nail and let him be and every other weekend dad. That will give him more time to flirt and be gross.


My guess is that he wouldnt even fight for more time with the kids, he sounds just that selfish.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Some people suddenly reach their limit and will tolerate no more.


"Some people"...Everyone has a limit that they cannot tolerate.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How did a shy girl good girl end up with an obvious womanizer? I'm sure he didn't turn into this douche overnight. The signs were probably there but you ignored your brain because your heart wanted the bad boy. Did you think you could change him? Can't be done. He's a serial cheater. 

Many women are attracted to the smooth talking confident guy, so you're always going to be in danger of sharing him and of him bringing you some luggage in the form of an STD.

You need to fashion yourself an exit plan. Get your financial ducks in a row. Maybe losing his family will jolt him to change in order to win his family back.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dear OP, since you know that he is a serial cheater and decided to stay with him for the children, I am not sure that you can call it "Living A Lie". He is exactly who you think he is, a liar and a cheat.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

jsmart said:


> *How did a shy girl good girl end up with an obvious womanizer? I'm sure he didn't turn into this douche overnight. The signs were probably there but you ignored your brain because your heart wanted the bad boy. Did you think you could change him? Can't be done. He's a serial cheater.
> 
> Many women are attracted to the smooth talking confident guy, so you're always going to be in danger of sharing him and of him bringing you some luggage in the form of an STD*.
> 
> You need to fashion yourself an exit plan. Get your financial ducks in a row. Maybe losing his family will jolt him to change in order to win his family back.


How is this insulting stereotype helpful???????????


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> My guess is that he wouldnt even fight for more time with the kids, he sounds just that selfish.


I agree that he won't want them and won't really do anything with them while they are around..

But he might be enough of an arse that he will pursue custody of them just to hurt Beck. 

I think the attitude of "take him for all he is worth.." Will just trigger that fight reflex in him.

If she acts like she is desperate to keep the kids for herself and keep them away from him, then that is what he will target so he can get at her weak underbelly.

Sometimes the best thing you can do with people like this is try to get what you need to survive and then let them walk away. 

My guess is even if the default custody in their jurisdiction is 50/50, he won't want them anymore after he's had to deal with them for a few weeks.

If she acts like it's not that big a deal to her and especially if she starts to date and party on the days he's stuck with them, he probably won't be able to hand them back to her fast enough. 

Sometimes the best way to handle these monsters is to use their selfishness, immaturity and parental lacking to your own benefit.


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## Bek9201 (Feb 28, 2018)

Re the bad boy comments. We met when i was 23 (im 40 now). Even early on he was very flirty. He had 2 close friends. The girl used to touch his arm a lot when we were out for dinner. Turns out they used to be f buddies and her new bf didnt know - and still doesn't. 
He loves being around ppl. Never wants to be home alone.

He loves that ppl consider him the " good guy". He has a high profile job - has his picture on the side of the building and is in their catalogues and tv ad. 

He works every 2nd weekend and has fridays off. So the plan is he has them thur night, then drops the 6yr to school and had the 2yr old on fri. Then has alternate weekends. He says he wants them but yells at them or plays video games and ignores them. He'd want them more just to get out of paying child support.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Bek9201 said:


> He works every 2nd weekend and has fridays off. So the plan is he has them thur night, then drops the 6yr to school and had the 2yr old on fri. Then has alternate weekends. He says he wants them but yells at them or plays video games and ignores them. He'd want them more just to get out of paying child support.


It may take a little time but eventually they will cramp his style and he will want them less and less.


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