# Men and sex



## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately. 
Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sex is your H love language. 10 years and kids do not make a marriage for your H. It is only part of it. Connection makes his marriage fulfilled. Normal to me. Normal for my W. Sex, holding hands and snuggling is my W love language. She feels loved, fulfilled and safe when we are intimate, hold hands and attentive. It is her love language. 

Your H is perfectly normal as is his desire for intimacy to make a connection with the woman he loves.

PS. When my W is more intimate with me, holds hands and attentive my world is great.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Sex could be a big part of his love language

I will say on my part, sex, or moreso the physical intimacy, is an important part of the connection with my W. Sex can only happen within my marriage (i.e. barring infidelity which is not of interest). Deprioritizing sex in a marriage is not a positive IMO.

Has something changed in your marriage that brought this question up with your H (less sex, etc...)?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

One other item other than sex, hand holding and attentiveness, all of these are simply what was done when dating. When dating it is new, fresh, exciting and generally a good time. Is there any reason after 10 years and some kids that this should stop? I can't think of any.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


I don't think they "all" do, but most men do. 

I personally also feel love through sex and affection, so to me that is just a normal way to feel. Sex is not just about pleasure or getting off, to me, it is about expressing emotions and physically interpreting them. 

If your H says he needs sex and affection to feel close to you, it is true. He isn't trying to "trick" you into more sex, he is trying to have more sex (or more connected sex) with you because he loves you and wants to feel close to you.

Do you not enjoy sex as much as he does? Why has this come up? Are you holding back or is there any other issue that makes you not want to have sex with him? I ask because just because men (and women) do feel love through sex, that doesn't entitle them to it if they are not being a good partner (sexual and otherwise) themselves, too.

ETA: I wrote this then saw your post in the ladies lounge. I retract the above, he isn't deserving of what he is asking for because he has apparently cheated and because he is not gaining your consent before touching. Yuck, sorry sister, this doesn't look good.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


I would listen very closely when he tells you this. 

We all value different things in life. It is important to understand what he values, and how he feels loved by you, and then make a genuine effort to fulfill those needs. 

Spend some time reading some threads by men in the 'Sex in Marriage' section.

Or you can choose to minimize it to the detriment of your marriage.


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## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex. 
For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much. 

Yeswecan, I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Or you can choose to minimize it to the detriment of your marriage.


Check out her other post in the ladies lounge.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lilies12 said:


> Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
> For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.
> 
> Yeswecan, I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.



It is apparent this is a many faceted problem. After reading your other post... MC is my suggestion.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I don't know about needing sex to 'feel loved', but I think that level of intimacy is needed for two people to feel close to each other- and that contributes to the love feelings. If it isn't there, one or both will invariably drift apart.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lilies12 said:


> Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
> For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.
> 
> Yeswecan, I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.


This changes the picture significantly. What made you decide to stay with him after he has cheated on you multiple times?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


This is a very important question that I struggled to convey to my wife for years. Here is what you need to know:



I find my wife very physically desirable. I would not trade this feeling for anything else in the world as I love to desire her. 
We are after all physical beings, and accepting a man's penis inside of you is the ultimate form of physical "acceptance" in a relationship.
In the event physical intimacy is problematic and not possible at any given moment, I feel that when my wife emotionally accepts and nourishes my desire for her that when she does that it also makes me feel just as loved as if we have actually had sex. 

Now it is important for the two of you to also be friends, but maintaining a healthy sexual bond with your husband is something that runs parallel to the friendship you have together. 

If sex becomes problematic, your friendship can heal that. If your friendship becomes problematic, your sexual bond to each other can heal that. If one of the two becomes too toxic (friendship or sexual bond), it is going to cause serious problems, so you need BOTH to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling marriage. 

Badsanta


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


OP, I wish you would edit your first post on this thread and include the fact that he has cheated on you more than once and can't respect other boundaries either. There is a huge difference between answering this post with and without that information.

Or have the threads combined.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lilies12 said:


> I think the reason a lot of this has stopped because of his infidelity a year ago; which wasn't the first time he did what he did.


Well this changes things. All relationships are built on trust and communication. If he chose to destroy the foundation of trust more than once, it is obviously hard to build anything on top of that without the worry that it will come crumbling down after all you hard work.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> If your H says he needs sex and affection to feel close to you, it is true. He isn't trying to "trick" you into more sex, he is trying to have more sex (or more connected sex) with you because he loves you and wants to feel close to you.


I just wanted to quote this post for emphasis. Not necessarily related to the OP as additional information provided alters the original post IMO. However, some seem to have a belief that all guys want is sex, doesn't matter with who, where, or when. Stating they want/need it for connection is just an excuse or nothing more than a trick (well naturally, b/c it contradicts the stated belief). Not saying there aren't guys who just want to get laid, nothing more or less, but I am sure there are ladies who just want to get laid as well lol. Thanks for posting that FW.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Lilies12 said:


> Ellisredding, I'm asking because we are fighting about this non-stop; for him it's mainly being physically intimate. Hand holding, snuggling, etc "only helps a little". It doesn't fill his "love tank", it has to be sex.
> For me I am not like that, I still don't really know what my love language is. But we fight about it all the time, the past few years I have had a very low sex drive. But he doesn't ever really give me the chance to get "in the mood" as he is ALWAYS pressing the issue for sex, from the morning we get up and ready for work and the moment I get home from work. He constantly touches me and "feeling me up". I quite frankly get sick of it and being touched so much.


Sex is also my love language. Me voicing my concerns about it toward my wife did exactly the same thing to my wife as it did you. When your husband and I say we want sex to feel close all you see is our neediness which repulses you. 
My fix was to COMPLETELY stop all touching and no mention of sex. No holding hands, no "I love you", just a peck hello and a peck goodbye.

What this has done is turn my wife into quite an explosive sex partner. No touching and no mention of sex just ramps up our sexual appetite for each other. Sex happens twice a week, but it's so good I'll refrain from touching her any other time if this is what I get. I almost feel like I'm married to my mistress and not my wife of 25 years!

I'll take it!


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> OP, I wish you would edit your first post on this thread and include the fact that he has cheated on you more than once and can't respect other boundaries either. There is a huge difference between answering this post with and without that information.
> 
> Or have the threads combined.


Dump him!
Background information like your other posts are invaluable. He is oversexed and has poor boundaries and impulse control. He is a serial cheater.
That said, yes to physical touch and intimacy. As a man, I cannot have a meaningful relationship without these things. In any future relationship, keep your man sated. He will also need to meet your needs.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> OP, I wish you would edit your first post on this thread and include the fact that he has cheated on you more than once and can't respect other boundaries either. There is a huge difference between answering this post with and without that information.
> 
> Or have the threads combined.


Yes, even so - the answer is still yes

Ultimately if this attitude is maintained they are doomed, MC required.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Here's my perspective as man, I don't know how common it is but it's how I feel. Sex is the vehicle I use to express my love for my wife, cuddling holding hands, doing honey do's, etc just serve to build that feeling of wanting to express my love sexually later. The closer I feel to her the more feel the desire to express my love. So sex is not something you can do and be satisfied. It's not like filling up a gas tank and riding for a while. The more in love I am the more I want to make love. There's a price to pay for being the center of my world.

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


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## ulyssesheart (Jan 7, 2017)

And after reading your other posts it seems that you are low desire, LD. That is your reality and is your "problem". In any new relationship find another LD man or up your game, sexually. I used the word "problem" because that is what it becomes when you mate with a HD male. You are also way too forgiving. You should have thrown him out the first time he cheated. Money is not everything in life.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are billions of men and they want different things - no simple rule applies to all, or even most. 

In my case, sex is an integral part of romantic love. I want all the other parts of romantic love, affectionate words, touches, kisses, fancy dinners, romantic trips etc. I could not do without some of those, but sex is also required. Without it I cannot feel romantic love, just something more like friendship or filial love. 

My wife has never understood / believed this. She wonders why I seem distant, but thinks that I'm just pressuring her for sex when I say that I need sex to feel romantic love (we are essentially sexless these days). She thinks I will "get over it", or " stop being selfish", but I won't - I am simply unable to separate sex and romance. 


That said, it sounds like there are all sorts of other issues including infidelity in your relationship. So just because he needs sex to feel love, doesn't 'mean that you should have sex with him. You do need to decide though - I expect without sex he will never feel the sort of romantic attachment that I expect you want. So it is your choice how to proceed.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ulyssesheart said:


> And after reading your other posts it seems that you are low desire, LD. That is your reality and is your "problem". In any new relationship find another LD man or up your game, sexually. I used the word "problem" because that is what it becomes when you mate with a HD male. You are also way too forgiving. You should have thrown him out the first time he cheated. Money is not everything in life.


I'd be LD with a serial cheater also. I suspect if she found a husband who wasn't a POS she might well not be LD anymore.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK, I've looked at both of today's threads and the most recent previous thread. All of this so I could get a grip on the situation before I advise you.
The answer to your question is yes there are men who can feel loved without sex. There was an example posted today, by the angry, lonely, deprived female partner of that man. This is not the majority case. In fact in His Needs, Her Needs the author claims that physical sex is the number one emotional need for most men. He is probably right. That answer is factual, correct and of absolutely no use in solving your problem. 

Here is some advice that may be useful in solving your problem. Trust is the thing that relationships are made of, but romantic relationships go one step further. It takes a lot of trust to take that next step. The next level is to Trust one person to fulfill the bulk of your emotional needs. You haven't talked much about your emotional needs but one of them seems to be Fidelity, which is sometimes interpreted as Security. You are not getting this. You have discussed at length his need, sex and physical touch. You do not want to supply that need. So here we have two people who both have very normal needs. But Both of them are abnormally incapable and unwilling to fulfill the needs of the other. Then on top of that a little over a year ago the Trust was broken in the relationship by both parties. So we have now a relationship with no Trust, and no emotional needs being filled. The only bright spot is that you are both willing to keep trying. Kudos to you for that. 

There are no simple solutions here. You will not be able to fulfill his emotional needs until you feel Safe. He can't be constant in a loveless situation. It is just too much to ask of either of you. Only a professional you both trust and a lot of work from both of you could solve this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

personally i think it goes beyond 'whether my husband needs sex to feel loved' or not.

it is necessary to a good marriage to be loved in ALL ways, including sex (or at least sexual intimacy if intercourse is physically not possible).



her marriage problems notwithstanding, this is just a general principal.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

badsanta said:


> [*]We are after all physical beings, and accepting a man's penis inside of you is the ultimate form of physical "acceptance" in a relationship.
> Badsanta


*WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*

Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking _acceptance_ rather than "love"?


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!



According to many marriage/couples researchers, both men and women "need" four kinds of love and loving attention:

- Physical (including but not limited to sex)
- Emotional (absolutely crucial, this is the element that distinguishes a romantic relationship - emotional support for each other even if you're in a bad mood, or even if your SO's issue is "with you"
- Spiritual - a shared sense of knowing yourself, knowing each other, being bonded to each other and the community and a firm grasp of your chosen roles in the fabric of human existence
- Mental - you love solving problems together


The five love languages is a useful concept to determine which items are more important to you, or how you in particular manifest one of those items. For instance, my wife's love language is "Acts of Service". And, her list of preferred acts could be handled by hired help. This is a part of physical. I focus on Quality Time, which is also part of physical - you are with each other, paying attention, in the same physical space, whether touching or not. We have conflict over these two, even though they're both part of physical.

OTOH, some people don't think they "need" one of the four groups - but as several researchers have noted, when these people are studied in depth, it is found that something in their past turned a normal human desire into something to be feared or loathed, in particular, some of the more rules-based religions can turn people of both genders completely off of sex. This is the case with my wife. Whether the thusly-damaged partner is able to acknowledge it or not is crucial to what the relationship looks like in the future. Some people look at their fears (which, per philosophy and psychology are 99% damaging) as safety features and can't possibly think of outgrowing them.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Vega said:


> *WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*
> 
> Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking _acceptance_ rather than "love"?


I think that is what a "rebound" relationship is all about. The need to feel accepted in the face of overwhelming rejection from a relationship that has just ended.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Vega said:


> *WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*
> 
> Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking _acceptance_ rather than "love"?


That's certainly what most of the books say....it's about being accepted by the opposite sex as a desirable *your gender here*.

In my mid-30s, I found this out through experience, as I encountered recently-divorced women...I had never encountered such a willing group. Someone explained to me it was all about them being validated as a sexually-desirable women, plus in a few cases, revenge on the ex..."you get what I withheld from him."


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Addressing OP's question WITHOUT the details of her experience, I do think most men need sex to to feel loved. The old adage is "Men need sex to love. Women need love for sex." isn't far off.

And for me, cuddling, hand-holding and other forms of "non-sexual intimacy" are fine but unless there is sexual intimacy sometime close, then those non-sexual intimacy things just won't cut it for me.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I think that is what a "rebound" relationship is all about. The need to feel accepted in the face of overwhelming rejection from a relationship that has just ended.


Hmm...

I'm not sure if it just applies to a rebound "relationship". I mean, I get that people can be so sex-starved, and feel so unattractive that the moment someone takes an interest in them _physically_, they can feel "accepted". This can happen in an ONS or 'casual sex'.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think "acceptance" is one important component of love. Maybe people who have been love starved are happy to receive any of the components of love even if they can't have all of it. 






Vega said:


> *WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*
> 
> Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking _acceptance_ rather than "love"?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think most men are like this. I know I am very much like your husband and need sex to feel connected to my SO and the relationship as a whole. Certainly some exceptions to the rule. I do know 2 guys who admit they have little to no sexual interest in their wives


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think most men are like this. I know I am very much like your husband and need sex to feel connected to my SO and the relationship as a whole.


I agree 100%


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Vega said:


> *WARNING! Possible "lightbulb-over-the-head" moment for Vega*
> 
> Could this be WHY a man/woman will have sex with the first person who offers it (after being divorced/broke up with a partner), after having been denied sex by their spouse for so long?? Is it that they're seeking _acceptance_ rather than "love"?


Yes not just because it was denied but also betrayal. When I caught my x cheating I waited till after the divorce then had multiple partners in a very short time frame. I was trying to feel connected to anyone and not alone. Ultimately this didn't work well for me


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Sex is one way to show the guy that he is still desired by his partner. It's quite important to feel that the sexual energy is still directed at the partner.
But it's not just sex. I used to get somewhat uncomfortable when I felt I was only viewed as a provider and father, rather than husband. I wasn't sure whether I was "supposed" to feel that way (in fear of crossing the line into being needy). But sex certainly helped and is a good "shot in the dark" tool, if it's not clear what's happening  Perhaps some might argue that conversation is better. And generally: attention, conversations, spending time together, it all adds up together to make the man feel he's not a nuisance or just a necessity.

Cheating was mentioned: what did he do exactly? I couldn't find more info.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Betcha there are a lot of divorced women out there who thought sex wasn't that important. (And men not to be one sided)


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yes not just because it was denied but also betrayal. When I caught my x cheating I waited till after the divorce then had multiple partners in a very short time frame. I was trying to feel connected to anyone and not alone. Ultimately this didn't work well for me


Probably didn't work out well for your "multiple partners" either. If *I* was one of those partners, I would have felt terribly lonely, once I realized that I was having sex with someone without him having an emotional connection with me. 

Hence, it's the reason WHY I want the emotional connection first before having sex with them. 

Unfortunately, emotional connections can be "faked" just as easily as sexual ones...:frown2:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Vega said:


> Probably didn't work out well for your "multiple partners" either. If *I* was one of those partners, I would have felt terribly lonely, once I realized that I was having sex with someone without him having an emotional connection with me.
> 
> Hence, it's the reason WHY I want the emotional connection first before having sex with them.
> 
> Unfortunately, emotional connections can be "faked" just as easily as sexual ones...:frown2:


They were doing the same thing as me. Was no victim there


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


I'm a male and for me, sex, snuggling, and hand holding are all important. Agreeing to do those things is also not enough, but to be completely happy, my partner would also have a desire for those physical displays of affection. 

Remember that simply being married for ten years does not mean that you love your husband.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Remember that simply being married for ten years does not mean that you love your husband.


And, having sex with your spouse for 10 years doesn't mean you love your spouse either, or that your spouse loves _you_...


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

There's a lot of computer screens and kleenex out there getting a whole lotta "love" and "deeper connection".


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that for many people it is necessary but not sufficient. 

I can't be really happy without a sex life, but good sex by itself is not enough to make me happy. 

I think of it as link in the chain along with: respect, caring, support, common interests, etc.



Vega said:


> And, having sex with your spouse for 10 years doesn't mean you love your spouse either, or that your spouse loves _you_...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Vega said:


> And, having sex with your spouse for 10 years doesn't mean you love your spouse either, or that your spouse loves _you_...


That's true too!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The question isn't whether this guy's 'need' is justified or not.

The issue is that he's like a damned randy dog in heat, constantly humping the OP's leg from the minute he gets up until the minute he falls asleep. I wouldn't give a sh*t WHAT his lame "love language" is ... no one wants to be MAULED every waking moment of their lives no matter _*who*_ they are.

And these ridiculous lectures about giving this miscreant what he wants or he'll go elsewhere is another bunch of manure. He's obviously over-sexed because he's a serial cheater on TOP of his constant mauling. It's like he has to continually be having sex or he's unhappy. Who the HELL needs that?

This goes WAY beyond some 'love language' - unless there's a 6th love language known as "constantly needs to get laid 24/7." 

OP, in one of your past posts you mention you don't want your kids to come from a divorced/broken home so you've stayed with this serial cheating horn-dog. Stop being a martyr already and boot this mouth-breather to the curb where he belongs..


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Thound said:


> Betcha there are a lot of divorced women out there who thought sex wasn't that important. (And men not to be one sided)


Yes there are a lot, a huge number of *men *out there that did not comprehend just how important sex is to a marriage!


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The question isn't whether this guy's 'need' is justified or not.
> 
> The issue is that he's like a damned randy dog in heat, constantly humping the OP's leg from the minute he gets up until the minute he falls asleep. I wouldn't give a sh*t WHAT his lame "love language" is ... no one wants to be MAULED every waking moment of their lives no matter _*who*_ they are.
> 
> ...


................ and then get yourself together, heal and find a decent man that you can feel safe enough to be your true sexual self with. Don't waste your time on a prize pr.ick, find a good man.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The question isn't whether this guy's 'need' is justified or not.
> 
> The issue is that he's like a damned randy dog in heat, constantly humping the OP's leg from the minute he gets up until the minute he falls asleep. I wouldn't give a sh*t WHAT his lame "love language" is ... no one wants to be MAULED every waking moment of their lives no matter _*who*_ they are.
> 
> ...


Where did it say that he is a a serial cheater? There was a mention that his wife found a half-nude picture of himself on his phone from another thread. Is there evidence of him cheating on her?
I am not defending anyone: I just want to know the facts and would urge people to abstain from insulting an individual without knowing the facts.


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## Lilies12 (Dec 8, 2012)

It seems to be that most have the opinion that sex is necessary in a relationship; while I can understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, what if the sex is unenjoyable? where its more about the other half instead of your needs? Such as my H, claims its all about me but it's not, it's about him and him getting his rocks off. Which is part of the problem for me. I personally haven't enjoyed sex in years, especially since I had kids. Before kids, no problem with it but after, no thanks.
For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Lilies12 said:


> For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........


Yep, this doesn't sound good...Very sorry to hear that. It's your husband's infidelity you need to work through, not whether or how often he needs sex with you.
This is tricky, because if you deny him sexual affection (which is totally understandable in view of what he did), he is more likely to cheat again (possibly; he may also cheat even if you *don't* deny him sexual attention).
I don't think it is healthy to pretend that everything is fine & dandy and ask questions and expecting answers that would apply to "normal" couples (I don't mean you can't ask these questions, just that the answers won't help you in any way because he betrayed you and that defines the way you feel about him, his groping etc).

I would suggest that he needs (at the very least) a wake up call; he needs to know that you are going to leave him (it's also *his* children put at risk). And if it doesn't wake him up then I think the family might be better off if you do separate. I know this is a nightmare for the kids but they will understand when they are older.
It is unfortunately what it is. It's not good to pretend otherwise. :-(


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

He's already proved he's a cheater. I wouldn't spend an ounce of energy doing anything to prevent him from cheating. I'd just accept that this is what he is and go from there.

And for me, that would include not letting him touch me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> I would suggest that he needs (at the very least) a wake up call....


I think what he needs MORE is to be neutered.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

In a regular marriage, without intimacy, it's not a relationship, it's roommates. If you don't want to be intimate with your spouse, then free them. It's not always physical intimacy and it's not always sex, but if you don't want any sort of physical intimacy, then it's isn't a marriage and you aren't in "love" with them.

If you've been cheated on, clearly you have intimacy issues. But if they persist, then clearly you don't want to be with them anymore. There are a lot of extenuating circumstances that alter the basic premise.


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## Jayg14 (May 23, 2011)

Speaking for me, I absolutely need it. IMHO, if you don't have sex while in a relationship, then there's no point in having one. That's how my SO can show me that she loves me and cares for me. Sure, gifts are nice, but all I want is her.


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## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

My STBX was a serial cheater and I believe he also had a sex addiction, but his love language was definitely words of affirmation. Sex to him was all about getting off but he actually avoided emotional connection - but, he needed multiple partners to feel desirable - one woman was not enough. On the other hand, he constantly needed to be told I loved him and thought highly of him and he needed that praise from others in his life to feel good about himself. I believe in his case both his need for unemotional sex and for words of praise come from CSA and emotional abuse by his FOO.

OP, what was your H's childhood like?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'll separate the cheating discussion because I see it as a different issue than the one on the importance of sex. You have every right to divorce a cheater - that is your choice. I would not recommend staying with a cheater that you can't forgive and trust - you are just setting yourself up for more suffering in the future. (to be clear, I'm NOT saying you *should* trust him, he may not deserve it, just that you shouldn't stay with someone that you can't trust).

To be very clear: it is completely OK for you to not want sex because he cheated - but if that is the case, I don't think it makes much sense to stay together in a marriage that will never be happy - for your sake. 


OK, on to sex: When you way that you do not enjoy sex, does he make every reasonable attempt to make it good for you? If not, then he needs to change is behavior - sex should be mutual, each trying to please the other. 

If he does make the attempt but you still do not enjoy it, then its a very tricky situation. If you had an active sex life before you got married and early in the marriage, it is reasonable for him to expect that to continue if his behavior hasn't changed. Then I think you are left with a choice: Provide him with the sex that he wants even if you don't enjoy it, OR, allow an open marriage, OR make him feel free to leave so you can both find someone sexually compatible. 

I don't think it is fair to make him feel he should live with a limited sex life if he had reason to expect otherwise when you were married. (again, this is IF he does his best to please you in bed)

He is never going to get over wanting sex. He may be willing to stop bugging you about it, but he will always be angry and resentful (even if he doesn't show it). He will very likely cheat again because he will feel that he has an excuse. 












Lilies12 said:


> It seems to be that most have the opinion that sex is necessary in a relationship; while I can understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, what if the sex is unenjoyable? where its more about the other half instead of your needs? Such as my H, claims its all about me but it's not, it's about him and him getting his rocks off. Which is part of the problem for me. I personally haven't enjoyed sex in years, especially since I had kids. Before kids, no problem with it but after, no thanks.
> For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Lilies12 said:


> It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........


Lilies, I understand your hesitation with regards to your kids. However keep in mind that a decision to stay with him is still a decision that will affect you and them. More so if your husband stays on his current path. Realistically, how long can you keep your family from coming apart at the seams? How long can you keep pretending that everything is ok?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

For those who didn't go back a year and read the old situation. He was home early with another woman. No specified actions. This happened the Day after they fought over her Text flirting with a co-worker. 

The most troublesome thing here is that she is getting nothing out of sex since the last Childbirth. Whether she keeps the "Cheating Horn Dog" (CHD) or not, she needs to talk with a Doctor about that. I'll stand by my previous advice. This is a mess that needs professional help, but may still be unfix-able.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


*Men usually learn all about hand-holding, snuggling, and sex in that order! 

Since sex is the most exhilarating of those three, whenever we come to experience it, It preeminently goes to "the head of the class!"

For the vast majority of men, the promise of physicality makes us romantic! For most women, the promise of an emotional connection gets them in the mood for sex!

And while we are physically as well as emotionally different, we're working toward a common goal ~ we just take different paths in finally getting there!*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lilies12 said:


> It seems to be that most have the opinion that sex is necessary in a relationship; while I can understand the importance of a healthy sexual relationship, what if the sex is unenjoyable? where its more about the other half instead of your needs? Such as my H, claims its all about me but it's not, it's about him and him getting his rocks off. Which is part of the problem for me. I personally haven't enjoyed sex in years, especially since I had kids. Before kids, no problem with it but after, no thanks.
> For those asking about what he did, I came home from work early one day and he was home with another woman in the house, this was a little over a year ago. Over the past few years I have found evidence of him being online and doing things there, talking to other women and pictures of other women on his phone. I am aware that I should just leave, but yet part of me inside says I should stay (can't make sense of that honestly). It's not easy to make a decision that will change the rest of your life and change the life of your kids...........


Be that as it may, you should gather information about divorcing him so you can have an understanding of where you stand if that is what you choose.

I personally think divorcing him would be a good idea based on what information is here.

You obviously don't feel loved by him, I don't blame you, and he is apparently an unremorseful, cheating asshat.

Sex and groping aren't your problems. A severe lack of love and real affection as well as a lack of a reformed cheater is the problem.

Most women love attention from a man they feel cherished, loved and aroused by.

Your husband strikes out on all three.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Yes not just because it was denied but also betrayal. When I caught my x cheating I waited till after the divorce then had multiple partners in a very short time frame. *I was trying to feel connected to anyone and not alone. Ultimately this didn't work well for me*


I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended). 

As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Vega said:


> I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).
> 
> As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?


I think largely you are right, however I don't think sex early in a relationship will preclude a connection from developing either. It just won't cause it on its own.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I think largely you are right, however I don't think sex early in a relationship will preclude a connection from developing either. It just won't cause it on its own.


I acknowledge that it _can_ and _does_ happen sometimes. But how often AND, does it happen often enough to be relied upon? 

While I can agree that sex is important in a relationship, is it MORE important than someone's character and personality, especially if you're seeking something long-term?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Vega said:


> While I can agree that sex is important in a relationship, is it MORE important than someone's character and personality, especially if you're seeking something long-term?


A toxic *friendship* with someone can destroy even the best sex life.

A toxic *sex life* with someone can destroy even the best friendship.

Which is more important? I don't think asking that question will be helpful, but instead realize that both have the power to heal or destroy each other depending on the level of respect and trust a couple has for each other.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


Quick sex lesson. Sex releases a hormone named Oxytocin. It's job is to emotionally bond a couple together, create intimacy. It is the same hormone that bonded you to your children so you have some idea of how powerful and important it is. I could tell the difference when our sex life started to fade away. I did what I had read from a sex therapist. We scheduled one or two sex nights each week. Attendance was mandatory no matter how tired or not in the mood we were. Sex was not mandatory though as long as we laid next to each other naked. Sooner than later we began to make out and before we knew it, we were having sex again. Our nightly good nights turned into kisses good night. My wife started to wear something sex later at night and I offered her massages. Sex is one of those things that the more you have, the more you want to. Stop having sex and you will not benefit from Oxytocin's effects. Some call it the cuddle hormone because one of its effects is responsible for wanting to cuddle after sex. To deny your marriage of this wonderful hormone's effects is like loving your child but not that into running your hand through his/her hair or even wanting to touch them. You still feel love for them but it lacks the physical love that we humans crave. 

A hug can comfort someone. A kiss can excite and convey your love. Sex is very important to a marriage. Most do not understand the science of sex and its role in love and marriage. Sex is crucial to a marriage and what some call love is more like the love we have for a family member. It is really love but lacks the physical aspect of love between a husband and wife. It does make a difference in my 44 year marriage. We are in our mid sixties and still have regular sex. We kiss before bedtime and I still chase her around the house. We are very close to each other and all of my wife's friends comment on how much in love we are. In contrast, they look like they are just good friends with their husbands, used to each other but without any sex anymore. They do love each other but it lacks the spark that a physical display of love takes plain love to a much higher level.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Vega said:


> I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).
> 
> As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?


Was nothing to prove I knew it all along but desperate measures are often followed by desperate people trying to do anything to change their circumstances. It was a very dark time for me and I didn't get on track till I sought counseling .


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> . I did what I had read from a sex therapist. We scheduled one or two sex nights each week. Attendance was mandatory no matter how tired or not in the mood we were. *Sex was not mandatory though as long as we laid next to each other naked*. Sooner than later we began to make out and before we knew it, we were having sex again.


Yes! And probably a key reason behind why you began having sex again! As soon as you turn sex into an obligation, duty, responsibility, chore, it becomes...lifeless. If you take sex (or at least, the 'goal' of an orgasm) off of the table, you remove the pressure. You start sharing intimacy, which can lead to sex. 

As for the oxytocin, I'm still on the fence about how much of a role it plays in 'bonding' a couple together. After all, if this was true for EVERYONE, prostitutes would "bond" with their johns, and men would 'bond' with the first FWB they had.

Don't see that happening. Plus, even having sex with my late husband 2-3 times a day didn't do anything to 'bond' me to him. I felt more 'bonded' to other people I had sex with than to him. 

Plus, what about the people who seem to be having GREAT sex with their spouses, but CHEAT on them anyway?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Long ago when I broke up with my girlfriend, I started going out with another woman. Sex was very early - actually before any relationship started (college, a bunch of us booked into a hotel room, she slipped into my bed without warning....).

We had a short very sexual relationship, then separated (on good terms) as we wanted different things out of life. (she wanted kids, house, dog, white picket fence etc - all fine, but not what I wanted). 

I did feel very close to her at the time, and that has lasted. We are still in contact >30 years later, and I have a long lasting sense of affection towards her. 


I agree that sex with a prostitute would feel very empty and I have no interest whatsoever in that. 




Vega said:


> I recently read that when some men visit prostitutes, they often feel kind of "empty" afterwards (no pun intended).
> 
> As much as you wanted to feel "connected" and "not alone", does your experience prove to you that by having sex FIRST without getting to know the person FIRST isn't the way to go if you're seeking that connection?


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

uhtred said:


> I agree that sex with a prostitute would feel very empty and I have no interest whatsoever in that.


What struck me most about what I read was that even though some of the men said that they felt "empty", _they kept on going back! _ Then they would actually loathe themselves for going back. 

It didn't make sense to me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

They are looking for something that they can't have. Prostitutes promise that, but its a lie - still some men fall for it over and over again. 

Its a little like a gambling addiction. You *know* you are going to lose all your money when you walk into the casino, but some part of your brain keeps tricking you into thinking that this time you will win.

If you don't have a tendency toward compulsive behavior yourself, I can see it being difficult to imagine.




Vega said:


> What struck me most about what I read was that even though some of the men said that they felt "empty", _they kept on going back! _ Then they would actually loathe themselves for going back.
> 
> It didn't make sense to me.


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

Sex is actually more emotional for men, than women. Sex is not just something that's fun to do... like going to the movies. 

A man's sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband. Men are told women, as a rule, like sex and his spouse shouldn’t have to muster up enthusiasm to be intimate with him. Men also believe, without question, women marry men they love. Women marry men they are sexually attracted to. Women marry men they sexually desire. When his wife rejects him sexually, he feels unworthy and unloved.

Men, eventually learn that wives who honestly believe they hate sex aren’t being honest with themselves. They just hate it with their husband. Men also come to realize that a wife who wants to sleep with her husband will find a way. There is no “too busy” or “the kids might hear” or “I have to get up early tomorrow”. There is only passion and desire and enthusiasm to be naked with each other.


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## Stack (Mar 14, 2016)

Vega said:


> What struck me most about what I read was that even though some of the men said that they felt "empty", _they kept on going back! _ Then they would actually loathe themselves for going back.
> 
> It didn't make sense to me.



I would argue that something emotional is better than nothing. A prostitute is rarely for the "joy of sex"... sex is so much more than a orgasm for most men, they are a dime-a-dozen. As I said above, sex is emotional, hence the prostitute.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Lilies12 said:


> Do all men need sex/physical touch to feel loved?
> My husband says that he NEEDS sex to feel loved, to feel that I am fully committed to him and our marriage. (Which makes no sense after 10 years or marriage and 3 kids!!) I've always been given the impression that it is something with men that they need that physical love. Is it sex, snuggling, hand holding, etc?
> I'm just trying to get an idea of what the male perspective is on this because it has been the topic of fighting with my husband lately.
> Any comments or experiences are appreciated. Thanks!!


No all men do not need sex to feel loved but most people need to feel like our partner cares about the things that are very important to us. 

What things are important to you? Does he know what those things are and is he trying to meet them? You mentioned that you're committed to him an the marriage so I speculate that one of your needs is to know that he's also committed to you and the marriage. Do you think he is? If so then there is one example of him meeting one of your needs. If not then maybe you don't trust him and it's causing issues that are spilling over to intimacy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lillies, this is a very valid question but under the circumstances it is the wrong question. 

You ought to be asking how you are going to rid yourself of your good for nothing WH who cheats on you (could give you a STD) and yet you are all concerned about meeting his sexually needs. Consider what you should be doing to meet your own needs and the needs of your kids and let this loser go.


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