# The never-good-enough wife saga continues



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

My H does not think I am good enough of a W and Mother and that's no news. The problem is, for the past several years I have learnt to be firm about my standing on this. In younger years, I felt sad, had low self-esteem, and tried to always be better. Now I have repeatedly told H, I can always try to be better (I will explain what that means), but it is possible I will never be good enough, and he needs to seriously ask himself if he will "tolerate it". 
So again here are some facts
(1) I am a physician
(2) I have many interests, including learning new languages, reading, writing, and one big passion is baking/cooking
(3) We are VERY financially secure
(4) We own a clinic. I started it and H jumped in to become the manager
(5) Because the clinic has been doing well, we now have several other physicians working so I only need to work 2 days a week
(6) (5) has actually not impacted our income substantially
(7) So I have started pursuing my interests with more time on hands. Recently I was promoted to a part-time pastry chef at a small local bakery. The "salary" I make is nothing, but it's not about the $
(8) My H does a lot of housework, but so do I. The usual pattern is he thinks my work is not good enough (cleaning, etc) so he would re-do them. 

Gees, this list will become endless. Basically, recently H has gotten more and more distant. When I tried to discuss this with him, he gave answers along the lines of "we are so different and have different interests" and that he is always frustrated at how much he has to do. 
So I explained to him people with different interests can still be spouses. He likes golfing and I never have any problem with that. I limit my bakery time to 2 mornings a week. I have been trying to prepare most dinners and breakfasts for the kid. Dishes in our house can never stay in the sink without being washed quickly. I am trying to be careful about not letting laundry pile up. The fact is, I was not born to be the best housekeeper, but I have never given up trying. 
Yet my H mentions Mom #1 is always with the kid, #2 knows a lot more about financial matters, #3 works while her H is unemployed, and on, and on. It's pretty funny to imagine if you put #12345 together maybe my H will get the Frankenstein perfect W, but I'm skeptical about that. 

Oh, and BTW, my H is a lot more financially successful than me, partly because he landed many smart business deals. But by no means would I call myself a non-contributory family member. 

I was reading another thread where the H always paints himself the "victim". Hmmm, I thought, my H also, but he is not the Jekyll and Hyde type, he is rarely affectionate or adoring. I wouldn't call him borderline personality. It's hard to give him a label since I'm in the situation myself. 

Does anyone think there are smarter strategies to deal with this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find one thing, just one that you both like. Then do it together.

Take up scuba diving.. or dancing.. or buy and old house to fix up...

it does not matter what it is. the more you both have to learn about it the better. If you can take classes together.. that's even better.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Ask your husband, how many other women will he find who are physicians and successfully started their own clinic?

When it comes down to it, men and women are very different no matter what. My wife and I have little in common other than our children and our love of travel. 

How about your sex life? Is that satisfactory? Even at our worst times, at least my wife and I shared an attraction for each other, and enjoyed sex, if nothing else. That makes up for shortfalls in a lot of other areas.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you REALLY need to develop an interest as a couple. Anything at all, you could start small.

Time spent together, interacting together, will help you feel closer to each other. 

It could even be so simple as having a glass of wine together after the kids are in bed and talking about your days. It could be cooking dinner together at least once a week. 

Anyway, that's my suggestion. I can't comment much about the criticisms he has of you. I've struggled with that too with my own husband. I do think that when we are feeling very close to each other, he criticises me less, or even not at all. I think you should work first on establishing a better connection and see how it goes from there. If you have to, fake it 'til you make it. Meaning, if you struggle to feel close to him or want to do anything with him, you may have to pretend like that feeling is there until it comes back.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Sounds to me that even if you found something to do together Mr.Perfect will still find somehow to criticize you about it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> My
> 
> Gees, this list will become endless. Basically, recently H has gotten more and more distant. When I tried to discuss this with him, he gave answers along the lines of "we are so different and have different interests" and that he is always frustrated at how much he has to do.
> So I explained to him people with different interests can still be spouses. He likes golfing and I never have any problem with that. I limit my bakery time to 2 mornings a week. I have been trying to prepare most dinners and breakfasts for the kid. Dishes in our house can never stay in the sink without being washed quickly. I am trying to be careful about not letting laundry pile up. The fact is, I was not born to be the best housekeeper, but I have never given up trying.
> ...


Is there intimacy and regular sex between both of you?

Has it always been that way?

Have you ruled out that he might be having an affair?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Could it be that he feels insecure? You have many accomplishments: career, motherhood, hobbies which are challenging and at which you succeed. I'm not saying that insecurity excuses or justifies his behavior, but that could be the problem. Is he competitive? Could he possibly feel that you don't need him?

I'm just speculating...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

Sounds like he is jealous by your success to me.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Thanks, guys, I just came back from my pastry job and finally am sitting down to sip iced tea. :smthumbup: Heck of a morning as my boss is this impossible-to-please lady who has fired a dozen of people including 2 pastry chefs. I am totally fine since I can quit any time but I am just having fun (and being incredibly helpful and efficient in the kitchen according to her). 

Now, let me see. I like to put things in outline form--
(1) My H is absolutely not having an affair, as he is way too stingy to be involved in that. :rofl: OK, I know you think that's a ridiculous reason, but trust me, it's true.
(2) I have no idea if my H has any inferiority or jealousy issue, as he will NEVER admit to that. It's irrelevant to my anyways as I cannot change any of that.
(3) Ah, things we do together. This is the problem. We DO do things together. We have traveled all over the world, that's our main thing. We do go to gym together. I am not that athletic but I do yoga and those crazy ballet-fitness classes sometimes, and H of course has no interest in that. He doesn't have any interest except golfing. Oh, he likes classical music, I think it puts me right to sleep, but I always go to concerts with him (yawn). Well, the only exception is opera, which we both enjoy, so we have been to many performances
(4) Sex life has never been quite good for me, as there's some HD/LD issue going on (me being HD) and I wrote many threads about that. He tends to do his thing without getting me where I would like to be. Recently though, the cold-face treatment is making things worse. 
(5) Oh, a glass of wine together, absolutely (who says no to wine?), but recently he has been reluctant to talk to me. When I try to talk to him he says "go do your thing you are always busy with what you like". I'm like...huh, sir, I am trying to talk to you here, not "doing my thing". He says I'm always on the computer, but that's exaggeration (I don't even read TAM that much ), and I QUIT Candy Crush cold turkey, ha ha (that was the only game I ever played so much in my life). Actually, he spends just about the same amount of time on computer, but I never say anything.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Your husband sounds like a jerk. There is no perfect wife.

If my husband told me I was not a good enough wife, or a mother if I had children I'd tell him to go find someone who is "perfect" then and kick him to the curb. 

If your honestly wanting to work on this marriage, then ask him exactly what he means by a good enough wife. What is he wanting you to do? You can't just keep guessing at what he wants, he needs to tell you straight up what he thinks you need to improve.

By reading the part about him redoing the cleaning because you don't do it "good enough" I'd say he has some OCD and probably some other behavioral / mental issues. 

I'm struggling with the ld/hd thing in my marriage and it sucks!

But my husband is a good man besides the sexual issues. If he was as mean and cruel to me as your husband is I don't think I could handle it.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> If your honestly wanting to work on this marriage, then ask him exactly what he means by a good enough wife. What is he wanting you to do? You can't just keep guessing at what he wants, he needs to tell you straight up what he thinks you need to improve.


I know exactly what my H wants--he wants a "normal" wife. A woman that does housework, raises kids, works, and does NOT have USELESS interests. 

Sorry, buddy, I will do everything, except the no interest part. Thus we are stuck. 

Well, grass is always greener on the other side. He often tells me how other Moms are with their kids all the time. The weird thing is these Moms come to my house to learn baking (I teach them a free class) and they say their kids envy my kid so much, he has a Mom that bakes cool cookies and cupcakes and cooks fancy Italian food. 

But pointing out his faulty logic or just the pure absurdity of comparing me with anyone else in this world is useless. He never reads literature-type books, so he's never heard of the Little Prince and his flower. The romantic idea of his W being a unique person and special to him is beyond grasp :banghead:


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Thanks, guys, I just came back from my pastry job and finally am sitting down to sip iced tea. :smthumbup: Heck of a morning as my boss is this impossible-to-please lady who has fired a dozen of people including 2 pastry chefs. I am totally fine since I can quit any time but I am just having fun (and being incredibly helpful and efficient in the kitchen according to her).
> 
> Now, let me see. I like to put things in outline form--
> (1) My H is absolutely not having an affair, as he is way too stingy to be involved in that. :rofl: OK, I know you think that's a ridiculous reason, but trust me, it's true.
> ...


Ehhh, how to say this nice....

The way you express yourself makes me feel having some sympathy for him...You write like having ADHD.

Your reaction to his "go do your thing you are always busy with what you like" is a rational one, where he is giving clues you should communicate with him about.
And I mean have real communication. Not the game of arguments and reasoning.

I feel there are red flags in the situation of your marriage. Not yet so much in his behavior, although I would not be surprised if he has/looks for another love.

Rest, relax, ask about his feelings. Dig them out. Do not React. Just ask and check if you understood.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

To me it does sound like you are too busy. I would resent that if it were my spouse. Being busy on hobbies that take time away from family or the marriage would not be ok with me. A certain amount of that is fine but as a regular thing it would cause resentment with me. So if he is saying straight up that you do too much stuff, can you at least see how this is (possibly) a valid complaint?

I'm not saying this is you but sometimes when people can't ever sit down or stop, it is because they can't handle just "being" and typically that makes it difficult for others to get close to them.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are a high achiever. You gained success as a doctor. You are such a good "baker" that you can become a pastry chef. But the way you define success and achievement is "outside" your marriage and family. As if they get in the way of what you are trying to do or to achieve. But, to be successful as a wife and a mother, you have to put the family at the top of your priority lists. And these other things are not there to define you, but they are there to enhance and improve the marriage and family. In other words, I like to think primarly that a job supports a family, and not the other way around... And if a job, hobby or something is taking away from the family, then this will cause a problem.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> Ehhh, how to say this nice....
> 
> The way you express yourself makes me feel having some sympathy for him...You write like having ADHD.
> 
> .


I write the way I write because I don't like rambling and making a huge paragraph. However, I don't just "write like having ADHD", I am sure I HAVE ADHD, according to the diagnosis criteria. It's completely possible to live with ADHD and function well. In my humble opinion many kids today are over medicated for the condition. 



Faithful Wife said:


> sometimes when people can't ever sit down or stop, it is because they can't handle just "being" and typically that makes it difficult for others to get close to them.


This is very true in my H's case, he definitely complains I am too busy. So the question is how to strike the compromise. I work at the bakery 2 mornings a week. That means I am gone from 6 AM to noon on those 2 days and he needs to get the kid breakfast and kick him out of the house. Besides those days, currently I am making breakfasts the other days and dinner every day except when I work as a doctor, which is another 1 and half days. 

However, right now the problem is more that my H just doesn't like what I do, but I am trying to get close to him and getting rejected. Everyday he has been going to the gym and clinic and being on computer. It's obvious if you subtract my 4 days of "working" and after the kid goes to sleep we can talk. But he wants to "keep distance". 


Hicks said:


> But the way you define success and achievement is "outside" your marriage and family. As if they get in the way of what you are trying to do or to achieve. But, to be successful as a wife and a mother, you have to put the family at the top of your priority lists. And these other things are not there to define you, but they are there to enhance and improve the marriage and family. In other words, I like to think primarly that a job supports a family, and not the other way around... And if a job, hobby or something is taking away from the family, then this will cause a problem.


There seems to be some misunderstanding here--I am completely ready to retire from medicine except my H won't let me. Baking is a serious hobby, but it doesn't define my "success". There is no such thing. There is no "successful wife", that sounds horrible. "Successful mother"...oh what is that. I raised a son who is in top university now (that's not even important, the important part is he's a good-hearted kid and honest to me about everything), and another son that constantly wants to be with me because I come up with interesting activities. I spend all evenings with the kid after dinner until bedtime, and we are trying to balance it on weekends. My H doesn't know anything about school/hw/other issues, I am the one that emails his teacher. 

Somehow on forum when I try to clarify things I often get people calling me defensive, so I reiterate I just like to state facts.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

This thread is about the never-good-enough-wife.

Your last thread is about your never-good-enough-mother.

One of your previous threads is your husband being a never-good-enough-lover-who-doesn't-leave-his-penis-in-you-for-a-long-enough-period.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

loveadvice said:


> This thread is about the never-good-enough-wife.
> 
> Your last thread is about your never-good-enough-mother.
> 
> One of your previous threads is your husband being a never-good-enough-lover-who-doesn't-leave-his-penis-in-you-for-a-long-enough-period.


Anyone reading thru my threads can tell I try to keep a neutral tone about the issues. The thread about my mother already got into the wrong direction but I never used the words not-good-enough. This is a forum and we don't know one another and any assumption does not need to be carried too far. 

The questions I post in the sex forum have their own issue and the way you phrase it is plainly inappropriate. If you have anything to say about the sex thread, go ahead and respond to that. Actually, I take that back. You *should *have responded to that thread, but now I would kindly ask you to refrain from responding to my thread. 

You are trying to portray me a certain way but here we are talking about me being not good enough and H having issues with me, so your people-around-me-are-never-good-enough-for-ME picture is actually contradictory.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Lol we should switch op with some of the sahm who do no housework and ignore the kids.

Maybe a reality check.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think it's unreasonable that you have hobbies, so long as you spend time with your family too. 

If you are distant, it could well be the sex life that keeps you from feeling close, which your husband really needs to do something about. 

I would suggest you look at his needs her needs quiz and see what you both most value, and work on spending some decent time together every day and your sex life. 

Good luck.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I am a bit fascinated by the varying opinions of this thread. For the record Jennifer from what I can tell you are a brilliant professional, mother and hobbyist but hey it is just my opinion. I have always been impressed with doers and you definitely are one.

I may be a bit jaded by my own situation because I would love for my W to be engaged with me in a consistent activity other than watching tv, going to the movies or going out to dinner but lets not talk about me.

Is it just me or does your husband seem like a bit of a narcissist or just really jealous of your outlook on life? It seems like you do not sweat the small stuff and he gets caught up in the thick of thin things.


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## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

I know a few people like the OP, They are accomplished, wealthy and passionate about their hobbies. From the outside looking in, it looks like success comes easily to them and generally have a life that others might be envious of. However behind those individuals, there is usually someone such as a spouse or parent, who do the boring, mundane grunt work that must be taken care of. I wonder if OP's husband is that person and he resents his wife for it.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I appreciate the kind words put here. It's just I am sooooo far from this career woman picture some people painted, if you saw me you would understand. My nurses constantly tell me to "not be afraid" of my H. In fact just today the head nurse rolled her eyes and said "he is the way he is because you cater to him". (My nurses and I often joke and vent about our spouses)

I read all the "needs" "love language" books and understand clearly my H's #1 needs/language is "act of service". That's why he's constantly doing things. That's why I am trying to speak his language. My #1 is affirmation. I am not into beach walks or flowers (for God's sake, buy me a newer model of food processor ). It's just nice to hear "you are doing a good job" like once a month. 

As far as my H being the person behind my "success" and resenting me, well, he does have resentment of "doing too much", but he is not behind me. He has been more successful financially. I am just a local doc. But him doing the "boring, mundane work" sounds like a DIRECT QUOTE from him. He says I am too "colorful, exciting". That is why I am trying very hard to do even MORE "boring, mundane" work. Today I work all day but when we got home dinner was ready in 10 min because I already did most cooking last night. Sometimes my H gets to the laundry before me, Yikes! Hey, but he does not scrub son's socks or examine pockets so it comes out a mess. That is all ok, I'm saying whoever gets to the laundry first can do it, no need to be nasty and say "you never see the pile huh?"
I even hand washed both cars last week, the SUV was hell! Well, it's ok to tell me what to do, without sarcastic editorials, is all I'm saying.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> In fact just today the head nurse rolled her eyes and said "he is the way he is because you cater to him". (My nurses and I often joke and vent about our spouses)
> 
> But him doing the "boring, mundane work" sounds like a DIRECT QUOTE from him. He says I am too "colorful, exciting". That is why I am trying very hard to do even MORE "boring, mundane" work. Today I work all day but when we got home dinner was ready in 10 min because I already did most cooking last night.
> 
> Sometimes my H gets to the laundry before me, Yikes! Hey, but he does not scrub son's socks or examine pockets so it comes out a mess. That is all ok, I'm saying whoever gets to the laundry first can do it, no need to be nasty and say "you never see the pile huh?"


^^This stood out to me.^^

I'm not here to make sarcastic comments. I haven't read any of your other threads. I can only comment on what you have posted here.

My impression is you are a high energy person. Possibly too much so for your husband. 

Actually, my primary impression is you and your husband aren't particularly well matched. It doesn't even sound as if you actually like one another very much.

I understand your need to defend your responses, but please keep in mind this is the internet and people are interpreting what they read without the benefit of seeing your facial expressions or hearing your tone of voice.

Unfortunately, we have to be prepared for the answers when we ask the questions. And we don't always like the answers.

Venting to your coworkers about your spouse. Well, that is a no-no in my book, but I don't take my personal business into the workplace. The less my coworkers know about me, my marriage, and MY business, the better.

It sounds like your husband doesn't "hear" you in the way you want him to. But I also feel you don't "hear" him either. The knife cuts both ways in a troubled marriage.

Ever considered separating? I'm not advocating that, simply asking.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

How many hours does your husband work? 

How much time does he get to pursue his interests every week?


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> Anyone reading thru my threads can tell I try to keep a neutral tone about the issues. The thread about my mother already got into the wrong direction but I never used the words not-good-enough. This is a forum and we don't know one another and any assumption does not need to be carried too far.
> 
> The questions I post in the sex forum have their own issue and the way you phrase it is plainly inappropriate. If you have anything to say about the sex thread, go ahead and respond to that. Actually, I take that back. You *should *have responded to that thread, but now I would kindly ask you to refrain from responding to my thread.
> 
> You are trying to portray me a certain way but here we are talking about me being not good enough and H having issues with me, so your people-around-me-are-never-good-enough-for-ME picture is actually contradictory.


Jennifer,

If you post on a public forum, then expect opinions from people who are opposed to yours. 

I'm just stating the facts. This thread is about how you are not good enough as a wife to your husband. Your last thread was about how your mother is not a good mother. Your other threads were about how your husband is not a good lover. 

The thing is that you are NOT saying that you are not good enough. But, rather, you are in fact stating in this thread that you are better than other wives in various ways, and you flatter yourself a lot in a backhanded way. You are also in fact saying that your husband has nothing to complain about because you are so great, and he is a jerk for complaining about you because you are so great. By the way, I thought it was very telling that you said in another thread that your husband "goes soft" because he finds you "so picky". Maybe everyone is a jerk, BUT you. 

I'll refrain from posting on your threads in the future, but please refrain from responding to my posts on your thread or I may need to respond. Thank you.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> ^^This stood out to me.^^
> 
> I'm not here to make sarcastic comments. I haven't read any of your other threads. I can only comment on what you have posted here.
> 
> ...


Actually, you might not be saying things the nicest way, but there is plenty of truth to it. In fact, my H says we are a bad match. He says he needs a more "normal" person. 

I don't know why people think I'm patting myself on the back here and stating I'm all good. I stated the facts and stated my H doesn't like the way I am. I am a person with high energy and have many interests. My H often uses the word "eccentric". I never said I am "good", it is a fact I am a professional and I also have hobbies and I spend lots of time on my kids still. I only said my kids have turned out reasonable when people are assuming I channel all my energy into work and hobbies and thusly ignore wifely or motherly duties. 

The fact my H and I are a not a match made in heaven is very true. Separating has always been in the picture and I moved out once. I consulted attorney before. This time I asked my H to be very clear if he still wants the marriage. He said yes. That is why I'm trying. If he's very clear he doesn't want it, then there is no point, no matter how hard I try. 

I have never considered myself "better than other wives" in any ways. Every family is different. My only wish is for my H to stop comparing me to other wives. That's the only reason I mention "other wives" here. 

My H complains about me to the nurses all the time. The clinic is a small business and we have worked together for more than 10 years. It is not the typical workplace scenario since we go to our kids' birthday parties. But I agree it's not very ideal--me and H being both "bosses" and yakking about family. It just comes out sometimes.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Actually, you might not be saying things the nicest way, but there is plenty of truth to it. In fact, my H says we are a bad match. He says he needs a more "normal" person.
> 
> I don't know why people think I'm patting myself on the back here and stating I'm all good. I stated the facts and stated my H doesn't like the way I am. I am a person with high energy and have many interests. My H often uses the word "eccentric". I never said I am "good", it is a fact I am a professional and I also have hobbies and I spend lots of time on my kids still. I only said my kids have turned out reasonable when people are assuming I channel all my energy into work and hobbies and thusly ignore wifely or motherly duties.


I think the two of you have to communicate each others needs to each other.

I think you could try to sit down and relax a couple of times in the week. Is mindfullness something you could do/learn?

Forget about "stating the facts". Facts are irrelevant here, it is about feelings and underlying causes, needs, hurting.

You could do some work on these things. Lovingly, not confrontational. 

I might add that if you would divorce you would probably end up with the same problems with your next relation, so to better the situation you have to learn some new things anyway. Why not try and learn that now, it might save you a divorce?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> How many hours does your husband work?
> 
> How much time does he get to pursue his interests every week?


Sorry I forgot to answer your questions. My H works in the clinic, which is very hard to calculate since he has all the freedom to come and go. To be very objective, you can say he works about 2 hrs there x 5 days/week

My H does not have any interest except golfing. He goes golfing when he wants to, I would say maybe 1-2 times a week



See_Listen_Love said:


> I think the two of you have to communicate each others needs to each other.
> 
> I think you could try to sit down and relax a couple of times in the week. Is mindfullness something you could do/learn?
> 
> ...


I used the words "stating the facts" because people seem to be under the impression I am singing my own praise. 

Now one *FACT * is clear. Throughout my marriage I was deeply hurt by my H comparing me with other people and not taking me the way I am. But I gradually learnt he is a good man and just has different needs. 

That's what I'm trying to do here. If anyone gets the impression I am a logical, non-emotional person from the way I laundry-list things, it's a combination of how I talk to H in desperation and my way of summing things up as a medical person with plenty science background. 

In the past, when I told my H "please don't talk to me this way or compare me with other people because it hurts" I got into a HUGE stonewall. It is irrelevant his words hurt me because he is "just too frustrated" (by my hobbies, etc). So these days when I try to communicate him I just plainly focus on what can help "things", like how I schedule my time.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> Sorry I forgot to answer your questions. My H works in the clinic, which is very hard to calculate since he has all the freedom to come and go. To be very objective, you can say he works about 2 hrs there x 5 days/week
> 
> My H does not have any interest except golfing. He goes golfing when he wants to, I would say maybe 1-2 times a week.


You stated that your H expresses that he "always has do much to do" and he is stuck with the "boring, mundane, work". 

If he only works 10 hours a week are there other things that he does that he considers work and occupy his time at a level that frustrates him?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> You stated that your H expresses that he "always has do much to do" and he is stuck with the "boring, mundane, work".
> 
> If he only works 10 hours a week are there other things that he does that he considers work and occupy his time at a level that frustrates him?


:scratchhead: I agree. I was like WTH.

I work full time, go to school, and do most of the "boring, mundane work" at my house.

I would think I would have died and gone to heaven if i only had to work 10 hours a week. lol


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> If he only works 10 hours a week are there other things that he does that he considers work and occupy his time at a level that frustrates him?


Absolutely. He handles all the financial stuff, so lots of paperwork. He pays the bills. 

We had this discussion in the past. When he complained I tried to jump in, but I am very bad with financial stuff. He said forget it and he kept handling the bills. 

He also does travel planning. Because he travels so much he gets lots of mileage and he can use it to exchange tickets/upgrade, so I let him handle that. 

Besides these, the "boring mundane" sometimes has to do with _attention_. For example, I have no problem with laundry, but he often says I don't "notice" it and he would do it before I do. He is saying my attention is not on the daily "routine" stuff. So now I literally try to do housework before he gets to them.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

He travels for business purposes?


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Wow seems you are a very accomplished woman, (as apparently is your husband too) so I really do not understand his attitude. Most men long for this type of a person in their life and to be mom to their children. Any chance the 2 of you could get away for a weekend at a resort or something and reconnect?? Get away from all the distractions of the business and other things for a few days and get refreshed. Heck hire a cleaning person to take care of the little things around the home instead of the 2 of you doing it all.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He is trying to communicate a deep need and I don't get the impression he has successfully communicated it yet. I'm not even sure he knows what it is enough to determine if it is a reasonable expectation or not. So, until he can figure that part out... refrain from strapping yourself to it too much. 

Sounds like he needs to work on some unresolved pain from somewhere.

In the mean time, my recommendation is to not look to him for your affirmations. Give them to yourself, this way the ability to injure you is reduced. You ROCK. I too am a professional woman with multiple interests and though not as financially successful at you can certainly appreciate your energy. I too am not Miss Susie Homemaker since I was RAISED to BE a career woman. So, though I do my best, there is a level of acceptance that lies in my H's lap. 

You are a free creative intelligent woman.. sometimes it can come off as calloused. Not to blame you for that, just be aware.

One thing is for sure... he will be happier if he stops comparing you to other people... when he does that I would flat out tell him, "they aren't your wife... I AM." SOMETIMES they compare with someone from the past because they are trying to describe a feeling they don't have another way of describing... in those cases, be gracious and try to hear the need communicated. but if it is constant or he is comparing you to everyone all over town I would put a hard boundary around that behavior. Best of everything to you and congrats on the success!


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Came back right now from son's class' "garden party". 4 volunteer Moms helped kids pick lettuce grown in their class garden (a little patch of soil in front of classroom), then we made salad, plus the pizza/drinks we brought. I brought red velvet cupcakes I made. The exact same thing sells for $1.5 a pop in the bakery I work 

(Just saying I am not a Mom that doesn't even know my son's B-day)

My H travels for both pleasure and businesses. He probably goes abroad every 1-2 months but his trips are short, usually about a week. 

In the good old days we had a housekeeper. Then something happened and my H fired the last one. Since then he has been saying we don't really need one and we travel a lot it's hard to hire one anyways. I got a lady for a short while but he didn't like her. 

Some friends have asked me why H is the way he is, wild guesses like if he was deprived of motherly love in childhood:lol: Unfortunately I can't possibly think that's the case as MIL is a wonderful woman. I have calmly told H his expectations might be unreasonable and perhaps no wife can meet them on this planet. But I just want to do everything I can before throwing in the towel.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> ... my H says we are a bad match. He says he needs a more "normal" person.
> 
> ... my H doesn't like the way I am.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing, Jennifer. I gave you my response. I didn't get sarcastic. I told you how I conduct myself at work vis-à-vis my marital/personal life. What you do is fine by me; no skin off my nose.

But you wrote a very long response defending yourself. Please take a moment - or several days - to step back from what you are reading. You think I didn't couch my response in the nicest terms possible? I suggest you read some of my other posts. I can be blunt. Very blunt. What you got was the proverbial rose in the fisted glove. 

If your husband wants to b!tch about your marriage to the nurses, fine. What he does isn't a justification for you to do the same. Why? Because you only own your side of the street. Keep it clean. And I wouldn't feel comfortable working with my supervisors/bosses who came to me complaining about their marriages. JMO.

Okay, your husband says he wants a marriage. Don't listen to the words, observe the actions. Because the tired old saying, "actions speak louder than words" is very, very true.

Heck, if I had listened to my husband's baloney, he would have convinced me he was a great husband. But I observed his actions/behaviors. They proved otherwise.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Here's the thing, Jennifer. I gave you my response. I didn't get sarcastic. I told you how I conduct myself at work vis-à-vis my marital/personal life. What you do is fine by me; no skin off my nose.
> 
> But you wrote a very long response defending yourself. Please take a moment - or several days - to step back from what you are reading. You think I didn't couch my response in the nicest terms possible? I suggest you read some of my other posts. I can be blunt. Very blunt. What you got was the proverbial rose in the fisted glove.
> 
> ...


It's ok you say what you think, I didn't try to defend myself. It's weird why I keep coming out as defensive. Perhaps I shouldn't provide more explanations regarding people's responses. You are actually very accurate in seeing we are a bad match (at least according to my H). 
I elaborated on the work situation only because it's not the typical workplace, and I said I agree some personal things need not be talked about there. 
I am aware words and actions are different. If he keeps saying he wants the marriage but treats me like a housemate then next step (whatever that is) needs to be taken
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

Why do you think your husband complains that he has too much to do and is stuck with all the mundane boring work? 

Is he lying? Does he really not work hard? Does all his work benefit your family?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> Why do you think your husband complains that he has too much to do and is stuck with all the mundane boring work?
> 
> Is he lying? Does he really not work hard? Does all his work benefit your family?


No he is not lying, it's just perception and the way likes to control things. I have the perfect example here. 

Yesterday H came home seething. His day went like this. First he went to the clinic. Usually he would go thru some paperwork and leave, so when I say about 2 hrs/day it's roughly true. But on this day the computers didn't work and Windows 8.1 is a nightmare. He fought with the billing software and Microsoft for hours. 

Next, there is this travel plan going on. (I had mentioned H is the one that does our travel planning most of the time). A family friend came up with the idea of of going to _Russia_ as a big group. Our kids grew up together so it sounded good. But it has also turned into a nightmare because of visa problems. Now FIL's visa is still not issued, and H was practically cussing and yelling in the kitchen saying J(the family friend)'s idea was so stupid. I asked him how I can help and he yelled some more. He said I should know what to do without being told. The problem is they were doing all the planning and I thought things were ok, so I really need to at least BE TOLD what are the steps to be taken. When he was mad enough he went out jogging and I googled all the French visa part (FIL is the only one with a different passport thus needing visa to France). When he came back I told him I now know all the documents needed and I can obtain them. By this morning, now he's calm enough to say FIL can skip France since FIL had been to Europe before. 

The problem is, all these are going on in his MIND, and he always makes the final decision, so I feel intervening doesn't help. I'm really trying though by offering to do things.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

It really just sounds like you husband resents you. 

Have you ever looked at if from his side? He is bombarded with the work that keeps things afloat. Finances, bills, family trips. 
Even if like you say they are going on in his mind, doesn't matter he feels the weight of his responsibilities and yes they go on in his mind because he has to handle them. 

He has the constant burden of the mundane ordinary work that finances your lifestyle and you invest your time in baking and interests because its fun and you like it. 

So he sees the laundry piled up and thinks. Great I'm busting my a$$ all the time for this family and she's off doing her thing to make herself happy and can't do the laundry. 

Guess I'll do the laundry too! But he resents you for him having to do it so he makes a snide remark. 
Don't have an answer but that's my guess. 

Lastly, you say an awful lot of negative things about your husband. I couldn't recall one positive thing you seem to appreciate about him from your threads. I asked a simple fact based question about how much he works and you trickle truth the answer . If he runs a clinic, investments and other businesses interests . additionally travels for business and is financially successful my guess is he works quite a few hours. Hours which you don't seem to appreciate or recognize in any of your posts. 

If you see every thing he does negatively and don't appreciate his contribution to the marriage and family you are talking yourself into divorce. 

Best of luck


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> It really just sounds like you husband resents you.
> 
> Have you ever looked at if from his side? He is bombarded with the work that keeps things afloat. Finances, bills, family trips.
> Even if like you say they are going on in his mind, doesn't matter he feels the weight of his responsibilities and yes they go on in his mind because he has to handle them.
> ...


I definitely agree he has resentment, and I want to work on that, and hopefully I don't sound DEFENSIVE here again. 

In this thread I have just mentioned the problems we face, but I clearly said my H is a lot more financially more successful than me. In other threads (of course I don't expect people to dig up other people's threads) I stated many times he is the best father. I just didn't mention it here. 

We do look at finances differently. My life philosophy is if you are already financially secure, you can loosen up a bit. He thinks everyone should work hard no matter what. I do not think there is right or wrong. My idea of "loosening up" is to work part-time and use the other part-time for my interests. There is a conflict here in that I think it's perfectly ok to sell the clinic. He wants to keep it. So he works at the clinic everyday. But financially he doesn't need to keep things "afloat". Perhaps it wasn't clear when I said he pays the bills. He literally writes the checks, but even without the clinic we can still pay the bills. 

I believe this is a style thing. If you ask people who can retire without financial worries, some would choose to retire, ride their motorcycle, and some would work until the end. But I cannot make myself work 5 days a week when I do not need to. I explained early that other partners are working and the impact on revenue is actually very small. 

All I can say is I definitely see things from his point, and that's why I am trying to do what I can do, getting all housework done, dealing with kids, etc. I can stop the pastry job any time and now I'm just learning a few more things before I quit. But as long as partners are able to work, I will take my break. When they are on vacation, I can end up working all week. 

However, can you see this is not about laziness, but just 2 very different personalities? There is only so much I can do so he doesn't feel resentful, but a more kicked-back person might not be strict with quality of work and doesn't try to do housework before me or redo what I did. 

My H is right here next to me in the clinic. (Sat is working day). He's in a good mood (because now he thinks what the heck if visa doesn't pass so what), but still complaining about Microsoft in a funny sarcastic tone. I reiterate he is not a bad person in any ways. Bottom line, I am not the ideal W he wants, and I started this thread about how best to handle the situation. People come to this forum when they have problems, and I talked about our problems, without giving a detailed picture of my H or myelf as individuals.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Absolutely. *He handles all the financial stuff*, so lots of paperwork. He pays the bills.
> 
> *We had this discussion in the past. When he complained I tried to jump in, but I am very bad with financial stuff. He said forget it and he kept handling the bills. *
> 
> ...


MAKE SURE 
by means of an external accountant, no friend of his,
that your finances are secure. Have a report every three months, and secure your part in a separate, safe, bank account.


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