# I cheated on my husband of 6 years



## Tornbetweenthetwo

I am so clouded with confusion, stressed, sadness, fears, you name it. I am all of it right now. I been married for 6 years, we have a 2 years old daughter who is so vibrant and smart little girl. And here I am I cheated. I don’t know what led me to do what I did, but I did it, I am guilty. My husband and I have been having marital problems, for years now, still trying to find myself. I am in my late 20’s and he’s in his late 30’s, could it be the age gap? I don’t know. I understand that some of you will judge me for what I did, but I honestly don’t know why I did what I did. I love my husband and my daughter but the sparks in my marriage is gone. Here’s the history of my marriage and how it all started. I met my husband overseas 2 years prior to our marriage, the sex was great, the chemistry is through the roof and we decide we were made for each other, so I came over to the US, marry the love of my life and start a new life to a foreign land. I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”. As my career advancer, my job requires a lot of my time, so I spend less and less time at home. My husband is the same as well. We never have time for each other, and when we do, we talk about cleaning our house, our daughter’s schedule, bills, cleaning. We never went out for dinner with just the two of us. He likes to do things I find boring and I like to go places he does not like Ex: mall, bars, movie, dinner. We are just very different people, and I’m still struggling to understand how I did not see that when we were dating. Our sex is nonexistence as well. I always have to be the one initiating. This year (2012) we have had sex 5 times and I ask him what is wrong with him, he could not give me a straight up answer. And No, he’s not impotent. I met the OM in April of 2012, he is the total opposite of my husband. He does everything for me that my husband refuses to do, romantic dinner, movies, ex long conversation, we connect on every level. He’s in his late 20’s so that could be the reason why we have a lot in common. I realize how much I am liking the OM so I ended it with him and it hurts so bad, so I contact him again to meet, it has become an on and off relationship due to my indecisiveness. I can’t leave my husband and I feel so guilty that I am doing all of this behind my family’s back. I think the OM got tired of my indecisiveness so we stop communicating all together (Last time I saw him was this week). I miss him so much and I feel so bad to feel what I feel. I cry and cry and I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t had the guts to tell my husband the truth and I don’t know if I ever will. Right now, I can’t eat, I’m stressed, and I feel a gut wrenching sadness. I look at my daughter and I start crying because I feel like I am stuck in marriage I don’t want to be in. I love my husband but I am not in love with him anymore. I don’t know what do. I hope I will find the light, the answer or whatever it is I am looking for.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tell your husband the truth, ASAP. There are no excuses for your actions. By not telling him, you are living in a lie day after day. He deserves the truth. 

If your relationship was weak and you were unhappy, it was up to you to communicate to your husband how you were feeling. You chose not to. He is not to blame whatsoever what you did. Please be honest with him. Tell him 100% the truth. 

I did not have sex with my husband for a very long time after my spinal fusion. He did not seek elsewhere to meet this important need. Instead he waited for me very patiently. He never complained or shown disappointment in me since my forever neck injury.

Please tell him. He deserves to know. Not telling him will not fix your marriage and your problems will just get worse if you both don't fix them. Good luck.


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## TBT

Torn,welcome to TAM and I really hope you get some good advice here,but prepare yourself for some harshness as well.I think your confusion is from the fog of the affair.It's apparent it's warring with your basic values or you wouldn't be reaching out for help and to me that is a step in the right direction.What I'm curious about right now is why you think you can't leave your husband?


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Thanks for your honesty. I don't have the courage to tell my husband that I cheated. I am so lost right now. I ask him today, ihe could take me out to dinner, or watch movies with me this week, he's typical replies "Well see, we just have so many things to do in our home". I don't know how to tell him that our marriage is in trouble. I'm sure he would want a divorce if he finds out and I dont know if I am ready for that.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

TBT said:


> Torn,welcome to TAM and I really hope you get some good advice here,but prepare yourself for some harshness as well.I think your confusion is from the fog of the affair.It's apparent it's warring with your basic values or you wouldn't be reaching out for help and to me that is a step in the right direction.What I'm curious about right now is why you think you can't leave your husband?


 I appreciate your input. I am looking for answers, anything I can get. Right now, I dont have anyone to tell how I really feel inside, its killing me. If we divorce, I'm afraid that he will end up getting custody of my daughter because it was me who cheated. I stop talking to the OM but I dont know what will happen if he insist on seeing me again.


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## Zanna

Your unhappiness does not give you the right to string your husband along or steal his choices.

You are living an unauthentic life and you are forcing your husband to do the same. This is not fair.

Your H did not get a choice in your decision to cheat. Since you cannot do the right thing and end your affair, then you need to tell your H the truth so he can make decisions about his own life. You cannot be trusted to make mature or rational decisions in the midst of an affair.

Read the studies on affairs. This so called relationship you have with OM is doomed. It is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. It is born of ugliness and betrayal. That is not love. It is a band-aid for your problems.

If you are in an unhappy marriage, you talk to your spouse, you seek counselling and if that fails, you seek a separation or a divorce.

Cheating is not a solution that will have a positive outcome for anyone involved.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I did not have sex with my husband for a very long time after my spinal fusion. He did not seek elsewhere to meet this important need. Instead he waited for me very patiently. He never complained or shown disappointment in me since my forever neck injury.


Our sex life is non-existence. During the 6 years of marriage I can count our sex encounter (35 times more or less). I am only 28 years old, and he's depriving with something we need to keep our marriage strong. There is nothing wrong with him, he never had any surgery and he is not impotent, although sometimes I wish he is, that way my feelings aren't always hurt whenever he REJECT me in bed.


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## keko

Welcome to TAM torn.

Until you get the OM or your husband out of the picture not much we can do to help you.

Good luck either way.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Zanna said:


> Your unhappiness does not give you the right to string your husband along or steal his choices.
> 
> You are living an unauthentic life and you are forcing your husband to do the same. This is not fair.
> 
> Your H did not get a choice in your decision to cheat. Since you cannot do the right thing and end your affair, then you need to tell your H the truth so he can make decisions about his own life. You cannot be trusted to make mature or rational decisions in the midst of an affair.
> 
> Read the studies on affairs. This so called relationship you have with OM is doomed. It is built on a foundation of lies and deceit. It is born of ugliness and betrayal. That is not love. It is a band-aid for your problems.
> 
> If you are in an unhappy marriage, you talk to your spouse, you seek counselling and if that fails, you seek a separation or a divorce.
> 
> Cheating is not a solution that will have a positive outcome for anyone involved.


Zanna, you're right about the relationship with OM. Whenever I'm with him, I always feel guilty, and worried of getting caught. I also feel that he is starting to feel frustrated in our situation, thats why I ended it. I at first, thought that maybe it was "love" I have for this OM, however, I still can't wrap around the idea of loving two of them at the same time. I know thats not possible. I am eating my own cake, I know and I have the best of both worlds with the two of them in my life. But I also know, that Grass is not always greener on the other fence so I made the decision to stay with my husband. Tomorrow, I will talk to him and tell him the truth. He will probably divorce or he might not. I don't know.


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## crossbar

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thanks for your honesty. I don't have the courage to tell my husband that I cheated. I am so lost right now. I ask him today, ihe could take me out to dinner, or watch movies with me this week, he's typical replies "Well see, we just have so many things to do in our home". I don't know how to tell him that our marriage is in trouble. I'm sure he would want a divorce if he finds out and I dont know if I am ready for that.


 Here's the rub. Your husband already knows. He's been married to you for 6 years. He knows when something is different about you. If something feels "off" about the marriage. He may not know EXACTLY what's happening. But, he knows something is up. It wouldn't surprise me if he's already started looking into things.


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## EleGirl

Being a wife and mom is tough and even lonely sometimes. Being a working wife and mom can be even harder since you have to fill so many rolls. But then again your husband has to as well with his career. 

It does not matter that the two of you like different things. If the two of you really looked at it, you could find some things that you like and can do together. For example take golf lessons together and start playing every weekend; or dance classes; or scuba classes. Doing a joint activity where the two of you learn something together is one of the best ways to bond.

Your affair is hurting you, your husband and especially your child. And of course it’s hurting the OM’s wife and even him. 

The affair is “fantasy land”. It’s not rad. It’s not mature, enduring love. If you left for him and married him some day he will cheat on you as well. Think of that. It’s not mature, enduring love. It’s selfish & deceitful. You only get to see the ‘best’ part of the OM. Only what he wants you to see. You don’t seem him in everyday life… you don’t see him when he’s being lazy and refusing to help around the house or all the things that have made his marriage go bad. Remember that he is 50% responsible for the bad state of his own marriage. So he’s not perfect either. And he’s not seeing the real you that your husband sees. Instead he sees the happy you only.

You need to embrace your husband and child. Snap out of the affair fog and get back to reality. You how see that the affair is not a solution but has only made matters worse in your marriage. It will get a lot worse before it gets better when your husband finds out.

If you pull back from the fantasy you can focus on improving your marriage. You need to rebuild your relationship with your husband. Give that 100%. Then if after you give your marriage 100%, you will know if you should stay or leave.

You crave the passion and romance that you once had. I’ll bet that your husband does as well. But like you does not know how to get it back.


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## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Zanna, you're right about the relationship with OM. Whenever I'm with him, I always feel guilty, and worried of getting caught. I also feel that he is starting to feel frustrated in our situation, thats why I ended it. I at first, thought that maybe it was "love" I have for this OM, however, I still can't wrap around the idea of loving two of them at the same time. I know thats not possible. I am eating my own cake, I know and I have the best of both worlds with the two of them in my life. But I also know, that Grass is not always greener on the other fence so I made the decision to stay with my husband. Tomorrow, I will talk to him and tell him the truth. He will probably divorce or he might not. I don't know.


Before you tell your husband, decide what you want. If you want to fix the relationship with your H, then you must tell him this right away. But first he is going to be angry, hurt and in the worst emotional pain of his life. Hopefully someone will be along in a minute to post the guidelines for how to help your spouse heal from your betrayal. (Or I will try to locate it).

Whatever your H says after you tell him will not be his true feelings. Feelings change. They are not set in stone. He might want to divorce you in the moment but he may also change his mind after the reality of divorce sets in. This will all be dependant partly on how you handle the situation.

You can fix your sex life with your H OR you can at least try. And if you can't, then you can divorce, but right now you still have hope. There are books you can read. Counselling is also an option. But you need a plan. A rational mature plan not a plan based on stabbing your H in the back.

Stop the contact with OM immediately. Send him a NO contact letter. This is not a relationship that has a future despite the warm fuzzy feelings you may have now. OM was willing to cheat with a married woman. He has no respect for marriage or for family. You do not have a future with this man. Do not fall for his lies.


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## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I appreciate your input. I am looking for answers, anything I can get. Right now, I dont have anyone to tell how I really feel inside, its killing me. If we divorce, I'm afraid that he will end up getting custody of my daughter because it was me who cheated. I stop talking to the OM but I dont know what will happen if he insist on seeing me again.


Where do you live that you think he would get custody? Just the state or country would be helpful to know.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> Where do you live that you think he would get custody? Just the state or country would be helpful to know.


Pennsylvania


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## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Zanna, you're right about the relationship with OM. Whenever I'm with him, I always feel guilty, and worried of getting caught. I also feel that he is starting to feel frustrated in our situation, thats why I ended it. I at first, thought that maybe it was "love" I have for this OM, however, I still can't wrap around the idea of loving two of them at the same time. I know thats not possible. I am eating my own cake, *I know and I have the best of both worlds with the two of them in my life.* But I also know, that Grass is not always greener on the other fence so I made the decision to stay with my husband. Tomorrow, I will talk to him and tell him the truth. He will probably divorce or he might not. I don't know.



The real "best of both worlds" is probably not what you think it is. All your decisions and actions have consequences. You probably havent consider them all yet.


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## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Pennsylvania


No-fault state. Your affair will have no impact on child custody.

But given your behavior and lack of moral values, are you sure you're a good mother to get much child custody?


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## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Our sex life is non-existence. During the 6 years of marriage I can count our sex encounter (35 times more or less). I am only 28 years old, and he's depriving with something we need to keep our marriage strong. There is nothing wrong with him, he never had any surgery and he is not impotent, although sometimes I wish he is, that way my feelings aren't always hurt whenever he REJECT me in bed.


This is a form of emotional abuse. When a man does this there is usually anger/resentment that he is burying. What has he been angry about for years?

Do he help equally with your child and home? Or does he do significantly less or more than you do?

Is there any chance that he has been cheating on you. It’s hard to believe that a sexually healthy man would refuse sex from his wife. To think he’s getting it from someone else is reasonable.


Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thanks for your honesty. I don't have the courage to tell my husband that I cheated. I am so lost right now. I ask him today, ihe could take me out to dinner, or watch movies with me this week, he's typical replies "Well see, we just have so many things to do in our home". I don't know how to tell him that our marriage is in trouble. I'm sure he would want a divorce if he finds out and I dont know if I am ready for that.


To refuse to do date like things with you is also hurtful and I believe abusive.

To keep the romance and passion in a marriage, a couple must spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things. Now they can be simple things like a walk and talk in the park while holding hands. Or it can be dinner at a fancy restaurant.

Do you ask him if he’s happy in the marriage? If so what does he say?

My advice is that you have to tell him that you feel s rejected in your marriage that you are seriously thinking of divorce. And ask him if he wants a divorce or to rebuild your marriage.

If he says he wants a divorce, there is no need to tell him of your affair. Just move on with your life.

You HAVE to confront him and tell him how unhappy you are in the marriage. Tell him that his rejection of you is so hurtful that you cannot remain in the marriage.


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## EleGirl

keko said:


> No-fault state. Your affair will have no impact on child custody.
> 
> But given your behavior and lack of moral values, are you sure you're a good mother to get much child custody?


Do you think that a man who refuses most sex with his wife for 6 years and refuses to do anything with her is a good moral example of a father?


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## Zanna

Here's the article I referred to earlier...

I hope you plan to tell your H at some point. Would you want to be married to a man that had an affair or was having one and then kept in the dark? Can you imagine how horrible that would be? Don't steal his choices. It will come back to haunt you. Your honesty might even be the catalyst that will help your H recover from your A someday.

Good luck to you.


_*"How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair"
*
#1 Stop lying or making excuses for your actions. If the victim spouse presents evidence of the affair, own up to it. You need to understand that the worst thing that could happen has already occurred. You were dishonest and unfaithful. Therefore, continuing to lie, twist, or deny is simply adding insult to injury. If you are looking your spouse in the eye and claiming to want the marriage to work then you cannot continue to lie about various odds and ends. You have been lying to your spouse for the entire duration of the affair; therefore, if you continue to lie now, it sets the reconciliation process way back. ''The victim spouse likely knows the answers to the questions they are asking, or can usually find out, so if you are interested in rebuilding trust in the relationship, '''STOP LYING'''.'' If your spouse discovers later - either on purpose or by accident - that you have lied about or left out salient details, they will likely never trust you again. Your only hope of regaining their trust is to give them the truth wholesale, and thus demonstrate your commitment to being honest with them, even about things that might hurt them. You are kidding yourself if you think you are protecting your spouse by "omitting" certain truths. If you had wanted to protect your spouse, you never would have allowed them to get hurt in the first place.

#2 Be around. While emotional availability in the days, weeks, and even months following the discovery of your affair is of the '''utmost importance''', keep in mind that ''you can only be emotionally available when you're around.'' Understand that, left alone, your spouse's thoughts will begin to eat away at them - they will have questions you are not there to answer, torment themselves with images you cannot dispel, and invent suspicions your absence will only worsen. ''Paranoia is only natural during this time''; in fact, it can hardly be called paranoia, as '''they are right to mistrust you - you have betrayed them deeply'''. Being around to answer their questions and soothe their thoughts will keep them from building up and causing future explosions down the road. If it is possible, this may be a good time to take some time away from your normal "alone" activities to spend with your spouse. If you can't be with them physically, keep your phone on whenever possible to answer their calls, and allow them as much access to you as they need. Depending on your spouse's temperament, you may need to respect their desire for time alone, but you need to keep ''yourself'' available to ''them.''

#3 DO NOT get defensive or assign blame. This is not the time to employ the old adage of “the best defense is a good offense.” This is the time to be contrite/regretful, remorseful, empathetic, compassionate, honest, and emotionally available. Do not say anything which will give the impression that the victim spouse drove you to cheat, or in any way contributed to your behavior. There will be plenty of time to pass the blame around later on during counseling sessions, or during times of productive conversation with your mate. Additionally, DO NOT waste time blaming the affair on anyone or anything else. DO NOT point the finger toward temptation, being under the influence or falling prey to a stalker or that he/she was someone that you came in contact with at work or via a friend. '''You should have no room for excuses anymore.''' Telling your spouse you did not realize what was happening is not only bogus, it devalues the victim spouse. The victim spouse will see right through these excuses and will view this as another attempt to keep them in the dark while you continue playing them for a fool. The best way to effectively deal with your spouse's anger, and start the process of rebuilding trust, is to ''take complete and full ownership of your own selfishness, immaturity, or basic destructive marital behavior.'' '''Remind yourself that it is quite possible that the victim spouse was enduring similar feelings of unhappiness or frustration, but instead made a conscious decision not to betray you.''

#4 Treat your spouse as if they are the very center of your world. While you should do this anyway, it is of ''monumental importance'' that you focus on this IMMEDIATELY following the discovery of the affair. This is a critical time in the recovery of your relationship; '''dedicate yourself to it.''' Being cheated on will make your spouse feel rejected, unimportant, and decidedly less than "special." Regardless of your reasons or given situation, your spouse will be under the rightful impression that you have chosen someone over them, which is a difficult thing for them to face after years of thinking they were the most important person in your life.'This is especially true if you were involved in a long term relationship.'Giving your spouse your full attention during this time will help them to regain the feelings of importance in your life, and will go a long way towards convincing them that you are unlikely to choose somebody over them again.'' If you can, also show and tell to other people and the world even more how much you care or love your spouse in order to help the victim spouse overcome all the humiliation and hurt this burden may have caused.

#5 CUT any and ALL possible ties with the other man/woman. Keeping a person in your life with whom you have had an affair is like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. Not only is this a confusing message to the other person, ''it is also EXTREMELY DISRESPECTFUL to your spouse.'' It does not matter if you have known this other man/woman since kindergarten, or have to see this person at work. It is time to break those ties. '''Do what you must to avoid any contact.''' Convincing yourself that you need to talk to them to 'break it off' only communicates that their feelings, not your spouse's, are what you are most concerned about. Once you have allowed another individual to permeate, invade or undermine your marital union, there is no place for this person in your life. ''You simply cannot expect your victim spouse to move past the affair as long as you continue communicating with, seeing, or having any type of relationship with this other man/woman.'' '''It is in fact an insult''' to the intelligence of your current spouse for you to say that you can maintain a professional, platonic, or otherwise innocent relationship with this ''destructive individual''. Furthermore, '''because this person had an affair with a married man/woman, most likely they have absolutely NO RESPECT for your marriage.''' Continuing to work with, hang out with, email or chat with this person is probably the single worst possible thing to do if you are wanting to repair your marriage.

#6 Your life MUST be an open book. ''You no longer have the '''luxury''' of coming and going as you please.'' Once you have ''abused'' that privilege, ''it takes a while and a whole lot of effort to get it back.'' Therefore, if you will be late coming home from work, or have had a change in plans, inform your spouse. Every time you leave the house your spouse is now wondering if you are going where you say you are going. The best way to ease their insecurities is to check in throughout the day. Invite your spouse places you usually go alone like to the game, the gym or the mall. Let your spouse know that you have nothing to hide. Additionally, do not hide your cell phone or set the ringer on silent. If your spouse requests, give them your email and voice mail pass codes. In fact, if you have nothing to hide then offer your spouse the codes without them having to ask. Don't lock your cell phone, call log or address book. Offer to let your spouse see your phone bills, and keep the credit card or bank statements in plain view on the kitchen table. ''Although your spouse may never choose to check these things, the simple fact that you made them available for his/her perusal will be a HUGE step in regaining their trust.'' Although you may feel as though some of these are a violation of your privacy, you need to know that these steps are absolutely NECESSARY if you are trying to rebuild trust. Saying that you are on the straight and narrow while continuing to hide your cell phone or spending is counterproductive to your stated goal of wanting to rebuild your marriage.

#7 Be prepared to answer any and all questions about information that your spouse has a legitimate right to know. Your spouse is going to want lots of details and ask questions about things you may not want to answer, but too bad. Your spouse is going to cross reference your prior stories and ask you to confirm if “this” or “that” was a lie. You simply need to fess up. ''The worse thing you can do is to conceal information because you don't want to hurt your spouse.'' Remember, they have already been '''hurt beyond belief''', so continuing to withhold additional information gives the appearance of an attempt to continue the ''deception''. Your spouse needs to get a general understanding of how intense the relationship was, and how long it lasted. Although this may be one of the most difficult steps in the process, it is one of the most important. It is extremely difficult for a betrayed spouse to know that there is another man/woman in the world who has more information about their marriage then themselves. That there are people that know about that relationship and may be talking about your marriage. Therefore, asking multiple questions helps the betrayed spouse get up to speed, thus obtaining necessary information to deal with feelings of being in the dark while their spouse was gallivanting or mooching around with their lover/relationship.

#8 '''Do not ever''' attempt to dictate the length of time the victim spouses recovery should take. You are the one who brought the outsider into the marriage, and therefore, '''you are in no position to dictate when the victim spouse should be “over it”.''' The truth of the matter is, the victim spouse will never fully be “over it”, but may simply learn how to mentally move past the affair. When a person is hurting, they typically share their pain with the closest person to them. As their spouse, you are the one they will vent to, even though it is you that caused the pain. Additionally, you may feel as though since you've confessed, apologized and vowed to remain faithful, things should now return to normal. That is simply NOT the case. '''One of the worst things that can happen is for the adulterous spouse to begin acting as though its “business as usual”.''' Deciding to remain in a relationship after your spouse has cheated is a '''Major decision''' and one which can be both '''very humiliating and enormously stressful.''' ''DO NOT downplay the GREAT MAGNITUDE of that decision by behaving as though nothing happened.'' '''For the next few years''', the adulterous spouse '''needs''' to periodically wrap their arms around their mate, kiss them, and THANK them for another chance. Additionally, 'acknowledge' how much you hurt your spouse, how difficult it must be for them to get over the pain, and '''vow to do whatever necessary to make things better…forever.''' Although it may seem as though such actions will revive the pain, that is simply not the case. ''Acknowledging the degree of pain you put your spouse through, and expressing appreciation for another chance'', gives the victim spouse the impression that you not only are mindful of their pain, but that as long as you are aware of their struggle to overcome the ordeal, you will be less likely to make such awful choices again in the future.

#9 Choose your battles wisely. Keep in mind that now is not necessarily the time to pick fights over certain topics, particularly those related to privacy and possessiveness. Your spouse is feeling betrayed and frightened; it is only natural for them in this state to project those fears onto situations that bear (in their mind) any resemblance to your affair. If a random stranger flirts with you, or buys you a drink at a bar, and your spouse becomes agitated, remember that your spouse has an '''understandable right''' to this possessiveness; you have shaken their feelings of security in the relationship, and it is openness and understanding that will gain this back, not combativeness and arguments. ''Rather than angrily asserting your rights, you will do much better to gain their trust by assuring them of their importance to you and soothing their bruised ego and wounded heart with compliments and understanding.''

#10 '''Do not''' behave inappropriately or create future problems. Don't put yourself in situations which will cause your victim spouse undue stress. Putting your friends before your spouse, joining singles website, spending time with friends of opposite sex, or available singles, and forming relationships with them, is certainly not wise. Even with work relationships keep the conversations to a minimum, remember that this is how relationships begin or cross messages are sent. ''It is extremely selfish and disrespectful to your spouse.'' Additionally, make your spouse aware when you anticipate coming into contact with the other man/woman. If you suspect the other man/woman might be at the holiday party, let your spouse know in advance. Also, if you run into, or have contact with, the other man/woman unexpectedly, let your spouse know as soon as possible. Nothing is worse than finding out about contact with the other man/woman that the victim spouse did not know about. It gives the impression of further secrecy and deception. Trust me, it won't hurt your spouse to know the other man/woman is contacting you as much as it will hurt them to discover you hid that information. ''Believe me, during this time of broken trust, full disclosure is always the best route.''

#11 Use this '''opportunity''' to create a new relationship with your spouse. Be open to opportunities to bring each other closer together. Remember that your spouse now views your relationship as broken, and they're right to think so. The key, then, is to forge a new relationship in as many ways as possible. '' Finding new places to spend time and share activities together will help this.'' Make sure that he or she and everyone around you (i.e.family, friends, children) can see that your spouse means the world to you and is NOW being put first in your life. '''Speak highly of your spouse in a genuine way, being careful to protect their reputation when you speak to others'''--talking badly about them behind their backs is ''not only a BIG MISTAKE but also BAD BEHAVIOR'' (it may also reflect badly on you as their spouse). You and your spouse (and your children) are one family that must always protect, support, and lift each other up all the time especially from strangers and NOT the other way around. This may even be an opportunity, in the fullness of time and once the recovery process is very well on its way, to renew your wedding vows. Help your partner to see that you have created something new, stronger, and therefore not threatened by the sins of your past or the likelihood of future infidelities.

Stephanie Anderson
Editor-in-Chief
Marriage Sherpa_


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## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Pennsylvania


Yep, in a no fault state your affair will not matter for divorce settlement or for child custody.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> Being a wife and mom is tough and even lonely sometimes. Being a working wife and mom can be even harder since you have to fill so many rolls. But then again your husband has to as well with his career.
> 
> It does not matter that the two of you like different things. If the two of you really looked at it, you could find some things that you like and can do together. For example take golf lessons together and start playing every weekend; or dance classes; or scuba classes. Doing a joint activity where the two of you learn something together is one of the best ways to bond.
> 
> Your affair is hurting you, your husband and especially your child. And of course it’s hurting the OM’s wife and even him.
> 
> The affair is “fantasy land”. It’s not rad. It’s not mature, enduring love. If you left for him and married him some day he will cheat on you as well. Think of that. It’s not mature, enduring love. It’s selfish & deceitful. You only get to see the ‘best’ part of the OM. Only what he wants you to see. You don’t seem him in everyday life… you don’t see him when he’s being lazy and refusing to help around the house or all the things that have made his marriage go bad. Remember that he is 50% responsible for the bad state of his own marriage. So he’s not perfect either. And he’s not seeing the real you that your husband sees. Instead he sees the happy you only.
> 
> You need to embrace your husband and child. Snap out of the affair fog and get back to reality. You how see that the affair is not a solution but has only made matters worse in your marriage. It will get a lot worse before it gets better when your husband finds out.
> 
> If you pull back from the fantasy you can focus on improving your marriage. You need to rebuild your relationship with your husband. Give that 100%. Then if after you give your marriage 100%, you will know if you should stay or leave.
> 
> You crave the passion and romance that you once had. I’ll bet that your husband does as well. But like you does not know how to get it back.


 Thank Elle. The OM is a 29 year old single. What attract me the most is the "fantasy" he provides for me that my husband refuse to give. He is the man, my husband used to be. This all feel like a bad dream to me, I never thought that I will be in this situation. My husband is a great man, but he is not what the OM is. I don't know, it is hard to explain. Maybe, the lack of intimacy between my husband I led me to stray. I take full responsibility for what I did. I am just very worried of reproccussion I will be made to face once my Husband finds out.


----------



## morituri

The primary caregiver is often the one who gets physical custody but many couples who divorce opt for shared custody.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> No-fault state. Your affair will have no impact on child custody.
> 
> But given your behavior and lack of moral values, are you sure you're a good mother to get much child custody?


My husband has a dangerous job (law enforcement), his schedule also varries and requires for him to be on call, I on the other hand, works a 9-5 job. I take care of my daughter daily routine, drive her to daycare, pick her up, attend birthday parties, walk in the park, swimming pool, play with her. My affair did not affect my overall relationship with my daughter.


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that a man who refuses most sex with his wife for 6 years and refuses to do anything with her is a good moral example of a father?


Much better then if he was cheating.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thank Elle. The OM is a 29 year old single. What attract me the most is the "fantasy" he provides for me that my husband refuse to give. He is the man, my husband used to be. This all feel like a bad dream to me, I never thought that I will be in this situation. My husband is a great man, but he is not what the OM is. I don't know, it is hard to explain. Maybe, the lack of intimacy between my husband I led me to stray. I take full responsibility of what I did. I am just very worried of reproccussion I will be made to face once my Husband finds out.


What reproccussions do you think you will face once your husband finds out? He might want a divorce. But what else might you fear?

Since you once had passion and love with your husband it can be rebuilt. See the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.

The two of you have broken 3 of the biggest rules of a healthy/passionate marriage.

You need to spend 1
15 hours a week together, just the two of you.
Your sex life is almost non-existant.
You have both not been honest with each other. You cheated and lied. He has not been
honest for a long time about why he's resentful/angry in your marriage.

Fixing those 3 things alone will rebuild your love and passions.

In addition to the books linked to below, the two of you might want to read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> Much better then if he was cheating.


I don't know about that. People here seem to mostly believe that cheating is the worse thing that a spouse can do. From my experience I can get over cheating. I cannot get over abuse.

If the negligence and sexual w/holding that the OP describe are true, her husband is exptremely abusive emotionally. 

I see them as equal. If he is like this, he emotionally left the marriag a long time ago.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My husband has a dangerous job (law enforcement), his schedule also varries and requires for him to be on call, I on the other hand, works a 9-5 job. I take care of my daughter daily routine, drive her to daycare, pick her up, attend birthday parties, walk in the park, swimming pool, play with her. My affair did not affect my overall relationship with my daughter.


How much effort does you husband put into helping with your daughter. HOw much time does he spend with her a week?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> This is a form of emotional abuse. When a man does this there is usually anger/resentment that he is burying. What has he been angry about for years?
> 
> Do he help equally with your child and home? Or does he do significantly less or more than you do?
> 
> Is there any chance that he has been cheating on you. It’s hard to believe that a sexually healthy man would refuse sex from his wife. To think he’s getting it from someone else is reasonable.


*Elle, when he begin depriving me of sex, I lost my self esteem, I even wrote a letter to him, telling him how I feel. He totally disregard that. I got my self esteem back when I start working again, I got a lot of offers and compliments at my work place and I rejects all of them (except the OM), I am not justifying my action, but I believe that everything, all of this happens for a reason.*




EleGirl said:


> To refuse to do date like things with you is also hurtful and I believe abusive.
> 
> To keep the romance and passion in a marriage, a couple must spend at least 15 hours a week together doing date-like things. Now they can be simple things like a walk and talk in the park while holding hands. Or it can be dinner at a fancy restaurant.
> 
> Do you ask him if he’s happy in the marriage? If so what does he say?
> 
> My advice is that you have to tell him that you feel s rejected in your marriage that you are seriously thinking of divorce. And ask him if he wants a divorce or to rebuild your marriage.
> 
> If he says he wants a divorce, there is no need to tell him of your affair. Just move on with your life.
> 
> You HAVE to confront him and tell him how unhappy you are in the marriage. Tell him that his rejection of you is so hurtful that you cannot remain in the marriage.


Sometimes, I secretly wish he is cheating on me. I just need a reason why he refuse to have sex with me.

I think, I will go with your advice. I'll talk to him tonight about our problems. Telling him about the affairs will just make the situation worst for us.


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> I don't know about that. People here seem to mostly believe that cheating is the worse thing that a spouse can do. From my experience I can get over cheating. I cannot get over abuse.
> 
> If the negligence and sexual w/holding that the OP describe are true, her husband is exptremely abusive emotionally.
> 
> I see them as equal. If he is like this, he emotionally left the marriag a long time ago.


This is from the first post,



Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”.


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> He likes to do things I find boring and I like to go places he does not like.


Once again, with the amount of dopamine flowing through her brain even if her husband was an attractive, enjoyable, fun, and a millionaire she'll still find something wrong with him and go to another man.


----------



## Maricha75

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *Elle, when he begin depriving me of sex, I lost my self esteem, I even wrote a letter to him, telling him how I feel. He totally disregard that. I got my self esteem back when I start working again, I got a lot of offers and compliments at my work place and I rejects all of them (except the OM), I am not justifying my action, but I believe that everything, all of this happens for a reason.*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sometimes, I secretly wish he is cheating on me. I just need a reason why he refuse to have sex with me.
> 
> I think, I will go with your advice. I'll talk to him tonight about our problems. *Telling him about the affairs will just make the situation worst for us.*


When did he start withholding sex? How long had you been married when that started?

Also, you have to tell him you cheated on him. If he decides he wants sex tonight, how can you put him off? And, if you put him off, he will wonder why. You would have to put him off for fear of possibly passing on an STD. And before you say the OM is clean...you only have his word... the word of a man who would have sex with another man's wife. You need to get tested, and come clean to your husband. And, follow your husband's lead on this. But regardless, you need to tell him of the affair. He deserves to know the truth.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *Elle, when he begin depriving me of sex, I lost my self esteem, I even wrote a letter to him, telling him how I feel. He totally disregard that. I got my self esteem back when I start working again, I got a lot of offers and compliments at my work place and I rejects all of them (except the OM), I am not justifying my action, but I believe that everything, all of this happens for a reason.*


I know exactly how being rejected like this makes you feel. I have been married twice and both of my husbands did this to me. That’s why I know it’s sever emotional abuse. 

In March of this year I divorced my second husband. His refusal to have sex is part of the reason I divorced him. I am still trying to find a way to get my self-esteem back. I have not figured that out yet. I’m in a very bad place and don’t know if I will ever come out of it.

So you told him once in a very clear manner and he ignored it. You need to tell him one more time… telling him that either it’s addressed or you want a divorce. 

Do not tell him about your affair until after he responds to whether or not he wants to fix the marriage. If he just wants a divorce you have no reason to tell him.




Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Sometimes, I secretly wish he is cheating on me. I just need a reason why he refuse to have sex with me.
> 
> I think, I will go with your advice. I'll talk to him tonight about our problems. Telling him about the affairs will just make the situation worst for us.


 Find out where you stand with him first.

The reason he does not have sex with you is because it’s a way to control and hurt you. He’s angry and resentful and it’s taking it out on you. It’s the same reason that he will not take you out on dates. 

He could be angry at you. It could be work pressure. It could be a combination. Or it could be a girlfriend.

I know what you mean about almost wishing that he was cheating. Before filing for divorce I gathered enough information to know that my husband was cheating , again. It made divorcing him a lot easier.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> How much effort does you husband put into helping with your daughter. HOw much time does he spend with her a week?


 My husband is a wonderful father, he spends his days off bringing my daughter to places and playing with her. He's a good father to her.

I'm sure that even if we divorce, he will continue to be a good father to our daughter.

I believe that me not wanting to leave my husband stems from the love I have for my daughter. I can't see any man raising my daughter other than my husband. However, I slowly find myself not attracted to my him due to lack of intimacy. (I know it sounded like I am justifying my affair) I hope that I can bring back the man who I used to date 7 years ago, he was fun, the sex was great (I dont have to beg for it) and the sweetest guy I ever know. Now, I just don't know him and myself anymore. 

Every advice and input everyone has given me, whether it's harsh, or not is appreciated. This ordeal will surely stay with me the rest of my life, I just don't know the impact of what i did to my family. I could only hope for the best.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”.


She states that her marriage appears perfect from the OUTSIDE.’

It is clearly not perfect from the inside. If he has been withholding sex.. for a long time. She says that he turns her down all the time. That they have had sex only about 35 times in 6 years. That’s less than once every two months. And this is his choice, not hers.

A marriage that superficially appears good can still be an abusive marriage.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Maricha75 said:


> When did he start withholding sex? How long had you been married when that started?
> 
> Also, you have to tell him you cheated on him. If he decides he wants sex tonight, how can you put him off? And, if you put him off, he will wonder why. You would have to put him off for fear of possibly passing on an STD. And before you say the OM is clean...you only have his word... the word of a man who would have sex with another man's wife. You need to get tested, and come clean to your husband. And, follow your husband's lead on this. But regardless, you need to tell him of the affair. He deserves to know the truth.


He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc. 

My relationship with the OM is mostly emotional affairs, we have had protected (condom) sex two times. The last time was when I told him that we both need to stop this craziness because I am married, he pled for me to divorce my husband.


----------



## warlock07

Crap, made a long post and lost it.

OP, your lover is a player(pick up artists) that traps women in unhappy marriages. You were a vulnerable and a weak target.

You are putting you and your family at risk by having sex with a guy who you don't know completely about. You will destroy your husband by having an affair. You are denying your daughter a happy family by choosing to have an affair.


Your lover is not a long time acquaintance, so you don't know him enough. Women in affairs cannot report when they are raped because of the secret nature of the affair. There are a few of that sort in this forum.

You are putting your husband at risk for STDs. Get tested immediately.(condoms aren't 100%)

Get into marriage counselling immediately. Threaten divorce if you have to.

You cheated and betrayed the person that trusted you the most. You stabbed him in the back when he isn't looking. There is still a chance that you can fix this. It is your choice now


----------



## EleGirl

There is a thread here that you might find interesting....


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/49270-ladies-if-your-arent-having-sex-your-husband-who.htm


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> Once again, with the amount of dopamine flowing through her brain even if her husband was an attractive, enjoyable, fun, and a millionaire she'll still find something wrong with him and go to another man.


While this is true in affairs, it is also true that over time it becomes hard for anyone to find their spouse attractive when their spouse shows affection, refuses sex for 6 years and continues do this.

To keep the emotional bond in marriage a good sex life and non-sexual emotional connection is needed. According to the OP, he ended that 6 years ago. Why would she find her husband attractive when he's being emotinally abusive?


----------



## enso

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am so clouded with confusion, stressed, sadness, fears, you name it. I am all of it right now. I been married for 6 years, we have a 2 years old daughter who is so vibrant and smart little girl. And here I am I cheated. I don’t know what led me to do what I did, but I did it, I am guilty. My husband and I have been having marital problems, for years now, still trying to find myself. I am in my late 20’s and he’s in his late 30’s, could it be the age gap? I don’t know. I understand that some of you will judge me for what I did, but I honestly don’t know why I did what I did. I love my husband and my daughter but the sparks in my marriage is gone. Here’s the history of my marriage and how it all started. I met my husband overseas 2 years prior to our marriage, the sex was great, the chemistry is through the roof and we decide we were made for each other, so I came over to the US, marry the love of my life and start a new life to a foreign land. I struggle at first, I don’t have any friends or family (He’s all I have for protection) and I was unemployed for a year, so thankfully, he makes a good living for both of us. He gave me everything I needed, a car, a home, clothes; I don’t even have to work. 6 years later, our life is made, we both have a good job, suburban home, a wonderful daughter, our family is what everyone sees from the outside as “perfect”. As my career advancer, my job requires a lot of my time, so I spend less and less time at home. My husband is the same as well. We never have time for each other, and when we do, we talk about cleaning our house, our daughter’s schedule, bills, cleaning. We never went out for dinner with just the two of us. He likes to do things I find boring and I like to go places he does not like Ex: mall, bars, movie, dinner. We are just very different people, and I’m still struggling to understand how I did not see that when we were dating. Our sex is nonexistence as well. I always have to be the one initiating. This year (2012) we have had sex 5 times and I ask him what is wrong with him, he could not give me a straight up answer. And No, he’s not impotent. I met the OM in April of 2012, he is the total opposite of my husband. He does everything for me that my husband refuses to do, romantic dinner, movies, ex long conversation, we connect on every level. He’s in his late 20’s so that could be the reason why we have a lot in common. I realize how much I am liking the OM so I ended it with him and it hurts so bad, so I contact him again to meet, it has become an on and off relationship due to my indecisiveness. I can’t leave my husband and I feel so guilty that I am doing all of this behind my family’s back. I think the OM got tired of my indecisiveness so we stop communicating all together (Last time I saw him was this week). I miss him so much and I feel so bad to feel what I feel. I cry and cry and I don’t know what to do. I still haven’t had the guts to tell my husband the truth and I don’t know if I ever will. Right now, I can’t eat, I’m stressed, and I feel a gut wrenching sadness. I look at my daughter and I start crying because I feel like I am stuck in marriage I don’t want to be in. I love my husband but I am not in love with him anymore. I don’t know what do. I hope I will find the light, the answer or whatever it is I am looking for.


 If you are unhappy in the marriage then consider marriage counseling. Given that 100% try. Jumping into another relationship only makes it worst right now. Don't expect grass to be greener on the other side. This OM might be giving you what you want but he does not live with you and face the day to day struggles. It "could" be just a fantasy. Counseling and perhaps seeing a psychologist might help you sort out these feelings so you can make a realistic decision.


----------



## anonim

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that a man who refuses most sex with his wife for 6 years and refuses to do anything with her is a good moral example of a father?


still not as bad as cheating


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc.
> 
> My relationship with the OM is mostly emotional affairs, we have had protected (condom) sex two times. The last time was when I told him that we both need to stop this craziness because I am married, he pled for me to divorce my husband.


Your husband has had 6 years to deal with being tired, headaches, stress and etc. He's refused to do that so you are left with a man who does not think your marriage is the single most important thing in his life. Any excuse will do to not be intimate with you.


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> She states that her marriage appears perfect from the OUTSIDE.’
> 
> It is clearly not perfect from the inside. If he has been withholding sex.. for a long time. She says that he turns her down all the time. That they have had sex only about 35 times in 6 years. That’s less than once every two months. And this is his choice, not hers.
> 
> A marriage that superficially appears good can still be an abusive marriage.


35 times in 6 years, I wonder if she actually kept a record of it or is still in the fog to justify her deeds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

anonim said:


> still not as bad as cheating


Has your spouse refused sex with you for years? 

Has your spouse refused to spend time with your for years?


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> While this is true in affairs, it is also true that over time it becomes hard for anyone to find their spouse attractive when their spouse shows affection, refuses sex for 6 years and continues do this.
> 
> To keep the emotional bond in marriage a good sex life and non-sexual emotional connection is needed. According to the OP, he ended that 6 years ago. Why would she find her husband attractive when he's being emotinally abusive?


Riiight, because not having enough sex is automatically an emotional abuse therefore affair justified.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

EleGirl, then I assume that there are lot of abusive women in the "Sex in Marriage" section of TAM and the men are allowed to cheat? Abusive is a very strong word to use. Don't throw it around very lightly.

She always had the option to go MC or to end the marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> 35 times in 6 years, I wonder if she actually kept a record of it or is still in the fog to justify her deeds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She might very well have kept a record. Many girls are taught by their mother to keep a record of their periods and sex. My grandmother taught this to my mom. My mom taught me. I've taught my daughter. 

When a woman goes to a doctor she is usually asked the dates of her last periods, if they are regular, if not the dates of the last few, and if she's had sex... for the possibility of a pregnancy being the problem at hand.

Shoot I've been asked some of those questions even when I go in for a sinus infection. So I always have my little notebook with me when I go to the doc.

Sure, the OP could be making this all up. But until we find out differently we have to deal with what she presents.

It's wrong to just assume that she's lying. So far her story has been consistent. So I go with what she says. What has gone on in her marriage is not unusal at all.. as lot of men do this just about as soon as they get married.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

EleGirl said:


> From my experience I can get over cheating. I cannot get over abuse.



I would submit to you that cheating is another form of abuse.


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> EleGirl, then I assume that there are lot of abusive women in the "Sex in Marriage" section of TAM and the men are allowed to cheat? Abusive is a very strong word to use. Don't throw it around very lightly.
> 
> She always had the option to go MC or to end the marriage.


I am not saying that she had a right to cheat.

I am saying that from what she has said her husband has been emotionally abusive. 

He has an obligation to his wife to have a healthy sex life with her. He refuses to do this. He also refuses to spend time with her.

Withhold sex in marriage to the extent of it being a sexless marriage is considered emotional abuse. 

I am very consistent with this... it's emotional abuse if a woman is withholding sex for no good reason and its' emotional abuse if a man does it as well.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Crap, made a long post and lost it.
> 
> OP, your lover is a player(pick up artists) that traps women in unhappy marriages. You were a vulnerable and a weak target.
> 
> You are putting you and your family at risk by having sex with a guy who you don't know completely about. You will destroy your husband by having an affair. You are denying your daughter a happy family by choosing to have an affair.
> 
> 
> Your lover is not a long time acquaintance, so you don't know him enough. Women in affairs cannot report when they are raped because of the secret nature of the affair. There are a few of that sort in this forum.
> 
> You are putting your husband at risk for STDs. Get tested immediately.(condoms aren't 100%)
> 
> Get into marriage counselling immediately. Threaten divorce if you have to.
> 
> You cheated and betrayed the person that trusted you the most. You stabbed him in the back when he isn't looking. There is still a chance that you can fix this. It is your choice now


Thanks Warlock, I asked my husband to go to a marriage councelor after I ended the relationship with OM, but my husband refused, his reasoning was "I don't see why we can't resolve whatever issue between us" and I don't want to push further as I'm afraid he would begin to suspect something. As I said in my previous post, I will talk to him tonight and see what happens.


----------



## Dollystanford

Torn, when my husband started rejecting me it turned out that it was because he was looking elsewhere.

Do you want to save your marriage? Is there any emotional intimacy at all? Does he hug you or kiss you or is it just the sex element that is missing? You need a full and frank discussion with him - 28 is too young to be in a sexless marriage, i know because 36 was too young for me

Don't pin your hopes on this other man - romance is easy to do when you don't live with someone day in day out....


----------



## EleGirl

cantthinkstraight said:


> I would submit to you that cheating is another form of abuse.


Goodgrief, I guess some here have a real problem with reading comprehension.

I am not making excuses for cheating. The OP has no excuse for what she did.

There are two issues here, her cheating and her husband's withholding of any form of intimacy.

If she cannot live with what is essentially a sexless and companionless marraige then she needs to leave.

But she owes it to her marriage and her husband to find out if he is willing to work on the marriage. She stated that when she poured her heart out to him about how 6 years of a cold marriage has hurt her he did not care.

So yes he has abused her for years.

And now she has abused him with the affair.

Both have been abusive.


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> Goodgrief, I guess some here have a real problem with reading comprehension.
> 
> I am not making excuses for cheating. The OP has no excuse for what she did.
> 
> There are two issues here, her cheating and her husband's withholding of any form of intimacy.
> 
> If she cannot live with what is essentially a sexless and companionless marraige then she needs to leave.
> 
> But she owes it to her marriage and her husband to find out if he is willing to work on the marriage. She stated that when she poured her heart out to him about how 6 years of a cold marriage has hurt her he did not care.
> 
> So yes he has abused her for years.
> 
> And now she has abused him with the affair.
> 
> Both have been abusive.


She posted in infidelity section so your focus on their marriage being sexless is pointless.

The OP can post in the Sex in Marriage for that part and you can support her there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> She posted in infidelity section so your focus on their marriage being sexless is pointless.
> 
> The OP can post in the Sex in Marriage for that part and you can support her there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please do not tell me what I can or cannot post.

I'm choose to look at the entire marriage, not just one piece of it. It makes more sense for a person to have one thread and address all issues in that thread. Then we know the entire story and not have to look all over the site to get it.

Look on that thread about who is your husband sleeping with .. .look at how many men agreed with the OP on that thread. The cheating is not justified. But w/h sex does justify leaving a marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thanks Warlock, I asked my husband to go to a marriage councelor after I ended the relationship with OM, but my husband refused, his reasoning was "I don't see why we can't resolve whatever issue between us" and I don't want to push further as I'm afraid he would begin to suspect something. As I said in my previous post, I will talk to him tonight and see what happens.


So you did not respond to him when he said he did not see why you two could not resolve whatever issue is between you?

You have to speak up. From what you have said, he has refused to address the issues you have. So if he refuses how can the two of you resolve them.

You are not getting his attention.

Does he think that everything is ok?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> I am not saying that she had a right to cheat.
> 
> I am saying that from what she has said her husband has been emotionally abusive.
> 
> He has an obligation to his wife to have a healthy sex life with her. He refuses to do this. He also refuses to spend time with her.
> 
> Withhold sex in marriage to the extent of it being a sexless marriage is considered emotional abuse.
> 
> I am very consistent with this... it's emotional abuse if a woman is withholding sex for no good reason and its' emotional abuse if a man does it as well.


Elle, I appreciate you're understanding. I know that my affair cannot be justified, I am very remorseful for what I did. 

When my husband refuse to have sex with me, I truly feel unattractive, my self esteem plunge to the ground and I feel as though, I wasn't the woman he thought I would be. I feel like I dissapoint him. But then, when I got a job, I met all kinds of people who helps me get my self esteem back by their compliments and attention. That's when I realized, I'm not ugly, my physical appearance is not the reason for his lack of sex with me. 

He never initiate sex with me, I always Have to be that person. I
even try to spice it up, I wore lengerie, sexy clothes, I walk around in panties, you name it, I tried everything for him to want to have sex with me. I know it's not because of my appearance, even after the baby my weight is not the problem (5'3, 110 lbs), whenever I go I get stared at and he's work colleague compliments me as well (he told me so) So I really don't understand why he refuse to have sex with me.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that a man who refuses most sex with his wife for 6 years and refuses to do anything with her is a good moral example of a father?


Remember, we are hearing a cheater's version about this. She may be exaggerating, abusive or emasculating. I would not accept her version as gospel.


----------



## somethingelse

If you want to save your marriage (and if he's willing) make sure you cut off all communication with OM no matter what. Get rid of anything that you used to contact this guy, and show your husband that OM means nothing to you. What you are feeling right now is just a bunch of lies. It's not love and it means nothing. Like Warlock07 was saying...this guy is just using and taking advantage of your situation in order to get what he wants. Don't believe his lies. Don't think that if you leave your H things will be better for you with this guy. He could be worse than your H if anything. Show your remorse for cheating, so he can see that you are not going to do it again...and don't do it again. It's NOT worth losing everything you have in your life. I do wonder what your H has been doing all these 6 years though. It's really unusual that he wouldn't want to be intimate with you on all levels. I know you're hoping he is cheating too so you might not look so bad, but he might just be lazy. You telling him the truth might reveal his true side though. I hope for your sake that he might want to stick it out with you (just don't ever talk to OM again) and straighten up


----------



## iJordan

EleGirl said:


> Withhold sex in marriage to the extent of it being a sexless marriage is considered emotional abuse.


Considered by whom? There is no fixed criteria for physiological abuse. You can make a case for it via the power imbalance, but it is still tenuous.

All of your posts in this thread scream cheater sympathiser. This woman is clearly still fog-deep and you are helping her justify her actions by shifting blame onto her '_abusive_' husband.

Also, this...



EleGirl said:


> If he says he wants a divorce, there is no need to tell him of your affair. Just move on with your life.


...is nonsense. Her husband deserves the truth—regardless of a desire to divorce.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> So you did not respond to him when he said he did not see why you two could not resolve whatever issue is between you?
> 
> You have to speak up. From what you have said, he has refused to address the issues you have. So if he refuses how can the two of you resolve them.
> 
> You are not getting his attention.
> 
> Does he think that everything is ok?


Elle, I ended it with OM last Thursday, I went home and talk to my husband about going to marriage councelor. (I did because I am so confuse, I just ended a relationship with the OM, I was hurt, confused and torn) I told my husband that although were married, the sex is not there and we have to find a common ground as I feel that we are drifting apart. He gave me a typical response and I feel as though he brush it off. Could it be our age gap? He's 39 years old and I'm 28. I am beginning to think that he think he can do whatever he wants (withhold sex) and expects me to stay with him.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> Has your spouse refused sex with you for years?
> 
> Has your spouse refused to spend time with your for years?


Mine did. Yet, I did not cheat.

And, I cannot understand why you are advising her not to inform her H of the cheating if she wants out of the marriage.
She will be damaged by keeping this secret.It is wrong, IMO, not to inform him. He may need to be tested for STDs.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

BigLiam said:


> Remember, we are hearing a cheater's version about this. She may be exaggerating, abusive or emasculating. I would not accept her version as gospel.


 Bigliam, I am being brutally honest here. There's no reason for me to sugarcoat my story to strangers, I am here for answers, and advice, it wont help me to lie.


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Elle, I ended my relationship to the OM last Thursday, I went home and talk to my husband about going to marriage councelor. (I did because I am so confuse, I just ended a relationship with the OM, I was hurt, confuse and torn) I told my husband that although were married, the sex is not there and we have to find a common ground as I feel that we are drifting apart. He gave me a typical response and I feel as though he brush it off. Could it be our age gap? He's 39 years old and I'm 28. I am beginning to think that he think he can do whatever he wants (withhold sex) and expects me to stay with him.


You didn't tell him about your affair, why would you expect him to go to MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Dollystanford said:


> Torn, when my husband started rejecting me it turned out that it was because he was looking elsewhere.
> 
> Do you want to save your marriage? Is there any emotional intimacy at all? Does he hug you or kiss you or is it just the sex element that is missing? You need a full and frank discussion with him - 28 is too young to be in a sexless marriage, i know because 36 was too young for me
> 
> Don't pin your hopes on this other man - romance is easy to do when you don't live with someone day in day out....


Dolly, My husband and I hug and kiss (typical married couple), we never fail to say "I love you" even when we fight. It's just the sex is not there. I married him when I was 22, Dated him when I was 19, the sex stops the very first year we marry. He's not impotent, there's nothing wrong with him and I don't think he's cheating. However, he has a partner at work (female) who is also married with two kids who he talks to a lot. But I don't know because he always comes home on time, I also know her husband and she's offer to be the godmother for my daughter so I can't imagine them having an affair.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> You didn't tell him about your affair, why would you expect him to go to MC?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keko, I am afraid to tell him.


----------



## BigLiam

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Bigliam, I am being brutally honest here. There's no reason for me to sugarcoat my story to a stranger, I am here for answers, and advice, it wont help me to lie.


Accepting your version at face value, I still do not see why you had to resort to cheating. You may have been able to fix the no sex problem with your H. But, now, having betrayed him, you have made fixing it much lees likely.
If your H was refusing sex due to resentment or fear of being vulnerable to you(after all, you have just engaged in behavior that many therapists consider the most severe form of spousal emotional abuse. So, you may posess qualities consistent with cruelty), now he will be evne angrier or more fearful.
Couldn't you have been more resourceful?


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage.* He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc.
> 
> My relationship with the OM is mostly emotional affairs, we have had protected (condom) sex two times. The last time was when I told him that we both need to stop this craziness because I am married, he pled for me to divorce my husband.



In the first post:


Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am so clouded with confusion, stressed, sadness, fears, you name it. I am all of it right now. I been married for 6 years, *we have a 2 years old daughter *who is so vibrant and smart little girl.




If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter.

Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.


----------



## BigLiam

aug said:


> In the first post:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter.
> 
> Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.


Good catch. aug.


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, I am afraid to tell him.


Don't you think he'll give you another chance considering he brought you over from over seas looked out for you for years? He seems like a decent guy, I don't think he'll do anything rash. Then again what if years later your husband finds it out somehow? Would that give you a higher chance of forgiveness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## somethingelse

WhiteMousse said:


> You are repulsive. *YOU* don't know if *YOU* are ready for that? What about him? What about the one who has done you no wrong?
> 
> If you weren't ready to face the consequences of your sin you shouldn't have betrayed him. Zero accountability.
> 
> You smell terrible.


She's scared because she's come out of the dark..sees her fault and the consequences that come with it. Plus, she already said multiple times that she's telling him.


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thanks Warlock, I asked my husband to go to a marriage councelor after I ended the relationship with OM, but my husband refused, his reasoning was "I don't see why we can't resolve whatever issue between us" and I don't want to push further as I'm afraid he would begin to suspect something. As I said in my previous post, I will talk to him tonight and see what happens.



Well, obviously if you had told him about the affair, he'll have a different answer for you.


----------



## keko

What if the kid is not his and it's from another OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> Remember, we are hearing a cheater's version about this. She may be exaggerating, abusive or emasculating. I would not accept her version as gospel.


I"m not stupid and know that.

I go with what is presented until an OP's story starts to fall apart.


I do find this interesting though.. how she might be exaggerating, abusive or emasculating. And yet on threads where women explain that their husbands are being abusive, etc... the men here tell them that they still have to put out because it's their marital obligation.

So what? Men are not held to this same standard?


----------



## warlock07

EleGirl said:


> Do you think that a man who refuses most sex with his wife for 6 years and refuses to do anything with her is a good moral example of a father?





EleGirl said:


> I don't know about that. People here seem to mostly believe that cheating is the worse thing that a spouse can do. From my experience I can get over cheating. I cannot get over abuse.
> 
> If the negligence and sexual w/holding that the OP describe are true, her husband is exptremely abusive emotionally.
> 
> I see them as equal. If he is like this, he emotionally left the marriag a long time ago.


You think infidelity isn't abuse? Infidelity is one of the most heinous thing to do in a marriage or to your partner, no doubt about that. 

So much for affair apologists. 

And please don't give arbitrary definitions for abuse. I agree with that there is emotional neglect but that is why people go to counseling, start communicating better or separate and divorce when it won't work out, not have affairs. 

A woman comes here saying that she is in an affair and first thing you tell her is that she is in abusive marriage with the little details you get from her post? Like I said, abuse isn't a word you throw around lightly. You need more details than that.


----------



## Dollystanford

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> However, he has a partner at work (female) who is also married with two kids who he talks to a lot. But I don't know because he always comes home on time, I also know her husband and she's offer to be the godmother for my daughter so I can't imagine them having an affair.


hummmmmmm I wouldn't be so sure about that......

look I'm not condoning you cheating in any way - my husband withdrew emotional intimacy AND sex and I still didn't cheat

but there is more to this than meets the eye.....


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> You didn't tell him about your affair, why would you expect him to go to MC?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe because she has told him because the basically sex less marriage is hurting her? And maybe because she's told him that she really needs him to do things with her?

Aren't those reasons enough?


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> Maybe because she has told him because the basically sex less marriage is hurting her? And maybe because she's told him that she really needs him to do things with her?
> 
> Aren't those reasons enough?


That's what sex therapists are for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> Maybe because she has told him because the basically sex less marriage is hurting her? And maybe because she's told him that she really needs him to do things with her?
> 
> Aren't those reasons enough?


She is being dishonest withholding this vital information from him. MC will do no good if she lies about cheating.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

WhiteMousse said:


> You are repulsive. *YOU* don't know if *YOU* are ready for that? What about him? What about the one who has done you no wrong?
> 
> If you weren't ready to face the consequences of your sin you shouldn't have betrayed him. Zero accountability.
> 
> You smell terrible.


Thanks for your honesty, I needed that. I feel very remorseful, and guilty for what I did. I love my husband and I can't justify my cheating. I should have divorce him, or at least tell him what the problem was instead of cheating, but I am just a person. I am weak, I fall for the trap. I like the attention. The OM is the person who filled my "fantasy". He made me happy by making me feel important, taking me places I never been to before, (I ask my husband many times to take me to a particular place, he said yes, but never bother bringing me), he cared for the things I care for that my husband finds useless and time consuming. He bought me things my husband will never spend money on. But then again, cheating is wrong and thats why I'm here.


----------



## ShootMePlz!

How do you know he is not impotent or having ED issues if you haven't had sex in that long?? 

Might also check testosterone levels sometimes as we age that lessens and medicine can help.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Bigliam, I am being brutally honest here. There's no reason for me to sugarcoat my story to strangers, I am here for answers, and advice, it wont help me to lie.


You need not be lying. You could be brutally honest and you will still be biased. It is really perspective. You are telling the story from your eyes. Your H could come here and say something about you that he thinks is a turnoff with you and you might say it isn't a valid excuse. Same with him too. Like they "His version, her version and the truth is somewhere in the middle."


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thanks for your honesty, I needed that. I feel very remorseful, and guilty for what I did. I love my husband and I can't justify my cheating. I should have divorce him, or at least tell him what the problem was instead of cheating, but I am just a person. I am weak, I fall for the trap. I like the attention. The OM is the person who filled my "fantasy". He made me happy by making me feel important, taking me places I never been to before, (I ask my husband many times to take me to a particular place, he said yes, but never bother bringing me), he cared for the things I care for that my husband finds useless and time consuming. He bought me things my husband will never spend money on. But then again, cheating is wrong and thats why I'm here.


Ditch your husband and marry that guy, sounds like a real catch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Zanna

BigLiam said:


> She is being dishonest withholding this vital information from him. MC will do no good if she lies about cheating.


Exactly. MC is pointless if you're going to leave out vital information or lie by omission. You can't break don't a wall you don't know exists.

However, as already mentioned the lack of intimacy could mean her H is also having an A. None of us knows for sure which is why cheating only complicates the issues in the M further.

But if the lack of intimacy sex went on for the entire marriage, perhaps there are other reasons.

OP, did you ever ask your H why he didn't want to have sex? Do you spend time together? How does he feel about the marriage?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

aug said:


> In the first post:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter.
> 
> Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.


Aug, he will only have sex with me if I initiate and beg him for it. he never once initiate the sex. and we have our daughter because we planned it, we had ONE sex the night of March 8 and then April 14 by May 26 we found out I was pregnant.


----------



## keko

Wasn't it April 15th?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> Don't you think he'll give you another chance considering he brought you over from over seas looked out for you for years? He seems like a decent guy, I don't think he'll do anything rash. Then again what if years later your husband finds it out somehow? Would that give you a higher chance of forgiveness?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am considering of telling him the truth, but I must be ready for divorce for I am not. I believe that I have to be READY for divorce before spilling out the beans. This is something big I'm not sure he can endure. He may very well divorce me for this.


----------



## warlock07

EleGirl said:


> I am not saying that she had a right to cheat.
> 
> I am saying that from what she has said her husband has been emotionally abusive.
> 
> He has an obligation to his wife to have a healthy sex life with her. He refuses to do this. He also refuses to spend time with her.
> 
> Withhold sex in marriage to the extent of it being a sexless marriage is considered emotional abuse.
> 
> I am very consistent with this... it's emotional abuse if a woman is withholding sex for no good reason and its' emotional abuse if a man does it as well.


So you have a LD and a HD partner. Is it still emotional abuse?


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am considering of telling him the truth, but I must be ready for divorce for I am not. I believe that I have to be READY for divorce before spilling out the beans. This is something big I'm not sure he can endure. He may very well divorce me for this.


Considering how easy you were to the OM and hesitant to be honest to your husband is very telling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am considering of telling him the truth, but I must be ready for divorce for I am not. I believe that I have to be READY for divorce before spilling out the beans. This is something big I'm not sure he can endure. He may very well divorce me for this.


If there is any chance, it will be when you confess. Atleast he will know that you have some honesty left.

Read the posts here. Many spouses try to work it out(for the kids) inspite of their previous assertions that infidelity is a deal breaker. You won't know what he will do until he gets there. marriage counseling will be a good medium to make this revelation in a calculated and a balanced way.


----------



## Complexity

keko said:


> Ditch your husband and marry that guy, sounds like a real catch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Keko, take a chill pill, yeesh!


----------



## EleGirl

iJordan said:


> All of your posts in this thread scream cheater sympathiser.


I suggest you back off. You obviously do not know me. 

While some people think that the only acceptable way to talk to a person who has cheated is to humiliate and bash them with a 2x4 I disagree.

Cheating is wrong. There is no excuse for it. It’s never an acceptable option. That has been established here. 

The OP needs to decide is she wants to stay in this marriage. Either way she has to give up the affair because it’s poison.

So I’m talking with her about whether or not she wants to stay with her husband. It’s her decision if she wants to stay with a man who has been emotionally withdrawn for their entire marriage. 

If you want to beat her up for cheating go for it. I’ll talk about whatever I want



iJordan said:


> Considered by whom? There is no fixed criteria for physiological abuse. You can make a case for it via the power imbalance, but it is still tenuous.


Yea, and you are an expert on the topic right? 



iJordan said:


> This woman is clearly still fog-deep and you are helping her justify her actions by shifting blame onto her '_abusive_' husband.


Instead of you coming after me for taking a wider view of marriage, why don’t you tell the OP how you feel and think? I will not attack you for what you say in the manner that you have attacked me.

As for the topic at hand…. 

It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT SHE HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH.



iJordan said:


> ...is nonsense. Her husband deserves the truth—regardless of a desire to divorce.


Well, apparently her husband does not prescribe to the same standard of radical honesty as you want her to. He will not tell her why he has rejected her for 6 years. But you seem to be ok with that.


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> That's what sex therapists are for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But he refuses to see a therapist/counselor.

What about that are you not getting?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Zanna said:


> Exactly. MC is pointless if you're going to leave out vital information or lie by omission. You can't break don't a wall you don't know exists.
> 
> However, as already mentioned the lack of intimacy could mean her H is also having an A. None of us knows for sure which is why cheating only complicates the issues in the M further.
> 
> But if the lack of intimacy sex went on for the entire marriage, perhaps there are other reasons.
> 
> OP, did you ever ask your H why he didn't want to have sex? Do you spend time together? How does he feel about the marriage?


Zanna, I hope I know why he wont have sex with me. I used to think it was because of his job (Homicide detective), he sees a lot of ugly things. So whenever he tells me his tired, headaches etc. I just stop and dont bother. Sometimes, I would tell him if we can do it, and he would tell me, "maybe" and then by the time we were in bed, he would say "he's tired", "not tonight" or whatever. I am tired of getting rejected. I also build up resentment because of it and at one point, I thought of divorcing him.


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> She is being dishonest withholding this vital information from him. MC will do no good if she lies about cheating.


From her posts, she told him about how she is hurt by his rejection long before she started the affair. 

The affair had nothing to do with his refusal to get MC.

Of course MC will do no good now, after the affair unless she tells him about the affair.

But if he is not interested in intimacy with her without knowing of the affair, she very well might not want to coninue the marriage. She does have that choice that she can make. And she needs to decide that.


----------



## somethingelse

@@EleGirl that last point to iJordan was a very good example of how there is a lot of dishonesty going on between W and H.


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Zanna, I hope I know why he wont have sex with me. I used to think it was because of his job (Homicide detective), he sees a lot of ugly things. So whenever he tells me his tired, headaches etc. I just stop and dont bother. Sometimes, I would tell him if we can do it, and he would tell me, "maybe" and then by the time we were in bed, he would say "he's tired", "not tonight" or whatever. I am tired of getting rejected. I also build up resentment because of it and at one point, I thought of divorcing him.


I understand and it sounds like it's a huge issue in your marriage and I absolutely agree it needs to be dealt with...

However, when you add cheating to the mix, the problem is no longer the lack of sex.

It's like painting your kitchen when your foundation is cracking.

Your decision to cheat is your own. He owns his part in the marital breakdown but you have to own yours, and it's usually not so black and white.

There must be some reason you are still married to this man. Is he entirely horrible? Why would he say he doesn't want sex? As someone else mentioned, has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he affectionate? Does he otherwise treat you well? Lack of sex is caused by a variety of different issues/reasons and not everything points to him purposely being emotionally abusive OR purposely destroying your self-esteem. You need to open up the lines of communication. Although, again at this point, you need to deal with the A first.


----------



## warlock07

EleGirl said:


> I don't know about that. People here seem to mostly believe that cheating is the worse thing that a spouse can do. *From my experience I can get over cheating. I cannot get over abuse.
> *
> If the negligence and sexual w/holding that the OP describe are true, her husband is exptremely abusive emotionally.
> 
> I see them as equal. If he is like this, he emotionally left the marriag a long time ago.






cantthinkstraight said:


> I would submit to you that cheating is another form of abuse.





EleGirl said:


> *Goodgrief, I guess some here have a real problem with reading comprehension.
> *
> I am not making excuses for cheating. The OP has no excuse for what she did.
> 
> There are two issues here, her cheating and her husband's withholding of any form of intimacy.
> 
> If she cannot live with what is essentially a sexless and companionless marraige then she needs to leave.
> 
> But she owes it to her marriage and her husband to find out if he is willing to work on the marriage. She stated that when she poured her heart out to him about how 6 years of a cold marriage has hurt her he did not care.
> 
> So yes he has abused her for years.
> 
> And now she has abused him with the affair.
> 
> Both have been abusive.



Be consistent Elegirl. Maybe you are too biased because of your personal situation?


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> So you have a LD and a HD partner. Is it still emotional abuse?


If the LD person makes it such that sex is only once very 2 months and the HD spouse wants it more often, yes it's abuse. Of course this is absent other issues, such as a medical issue that cannot be resolved.


There are things that the LD spouse can do to increase their sex drive.



warlock07 said:


> So you have a LD and a HD partner. Is it still emotional abuse?


If the LD person makes it such that sex is only once very 2 months and the HD spouse wants it more often, yes it's abuse. Of course this is absent other issues, such as a medical issue that cannot be resolved.


There are things that the LD spouse can do to increase their sex drive.

“Withholding sex in a "loving" relationship is Emotional Abuse. Denying one's partner the bond which cultivates closeness and intimacy with them is Emotional Abuse. Whether their refusal is due to mental illness, passive/aggressive anger or control issues or an underlying reason that even they are not aware of, the act of not even trying to right this wrong is Emotional Abuse. 

Sex is the glue which holds a relationship/marriage together. It is supposed to be the one thing which separates a couple from just being friends or just being roommates. Denying one's partner sex and sexual intimacy is abuse because it makes their partner feel unwanted, undesired, unworthy, unattractive, unhappy and unfulfilled. It is NOT FAIR. It is NOT WHAT YOU HAD SIGNED UP FOR. It is NOT ACCEPTABLE. If the refuser doesn't try to deal with their reason for inflicting this devastating blow to their partner's psyche, self-esteem and sense of self-worth, then it is just plain CRUEL and SELFISH. It may make their partner question their self-worth, it may cause depression, anxiety, high blood pressure, lessen their ability to think rationally, create a sense of hopelessness and cause them constant worry.

It is crippling. It is emotionally painful. It indeed hurts. It drains one's energy, makes them feel like they're fighting a losing battle, and makes them question their own sanity. Again, it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. There has to be a reason; the refused did not cause this. Even if they did, they cannot begin to right the situation if the refuser refuses to even discuss the matter. The refuser withholds sex and that is not fair and is wrong, very wrong. If they have a problem, whether it be a mental or physical issue or personal reason, they should own up to it and try to get it out and into the open. Not discussing the problem only makes it fester and causes additional problems. I realize and appreciate that every relationship is different and has its own dynamics, but one thing which is very real is that denying one's self and their loved one the pleasure, passion, joy and emotional fulfillment of sexual intimacy is indeed a form of Emotional Abuse and it is NOT ACCEPTABLE. 

From my experience, I believe that one can give and give and try to make it work out but it's a no-win situation since there is only one partner who is trying. Eventually one realizes that there is nothing left to give and nothing left to compromise; they have given all that they are capable of and have already compromised themselves too much. If one realizes this and sees the situation for what it truly is, they will feel it in their gut, they will know that enough is enough and they will hopefully get the heck out and move on with THEIR LIFE while they still have love for their self. "


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Zanna said:


> I understand and it sounds like it's a huge issue in your marriage and I absolutely agree it needs to be dealt with...
> 
> However, when you add cheating to the mix, the problem is no longer the lack of sex.
> 
> It's like painting your kitchen when your foundation is cracking.
> 
> Your decision to cheat is your own. He owns his part in the marital breakdown but you have to own yours, and it's usually not so black and white.
> 
> There must be some reason you are still married to this man. Is he entirely horrible? Why would he say he doesn't want sex? As someone else mentioned, has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is he affectionate? Does he otherwise treat you well? Lack of sex is caused by a variety of different issues/reasons and not everything points to him purposely being emotionally abusive OR purposely destroying your self-esteem. You need to open up the lines of communication. Although, again at this point, you need to deal with the A first.


I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage. 

I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.


----------



## EleGirl

I find the crap I'm catching on this thread to be a bit mystifying because when I've told many men on here whose wife refuse sex to them for months on end that their wife is being emotionally abusive. And yet no one on those threads said it was wrong.

But now that i'm telling that to a woman it's wrong? I see..... :scratchhead:


----------



## anonim

EleGirl said:


> I"m not stupid and know that.
> 
> I go with what is presented until an OP's story starts to fall apart.
> 
> 
> 
> aug said:
> 
> 
> 
> In the first post:
> If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter.
> 
> Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.
Click to expand...

*...like this you mean?*





EleGirl said:


> I do find this interesting though.. how she might be *exaggerating*, *abusive* or *emasculating*. And yet on threads where women explain that their husbands are being abusive, etc... the men here tell them that they still have to put out because it's their marital obligation.
> 
> *You said you werent stupid so I'll presume you read augs post and see where the exaggeration on the OP comes into this ...but its funny how women will leave or cheat on men more often than men leave cheat on women for no sex...
> 
> And affairs ARE abusive (to both genders), and to men, emasculating, and if you dont believe me, ask any man here that's been cheated on.*
> 
> So what? Men are not held to this same standard?
> 
> *Nope. If your partner is abusive to you, very few people, man or woman would fail to empathize that you wouldnt want to have sex with your abuser.
> 
> No one is obligated to have sex with anyone. If you didnt want to have sex (with your partner) for a long term/permanent duration, for a reason unknown to your partner, the cause of you not wanting to have sex is the real problem, and THAT is what you are obligated to fix.*





warlock07 said:


> You think infidelity isn't abuse? Infidelity is one of the most heinous thing to do in a marriage or to your partner, no doubt about that.
> 
> So much for affair apologists.
> 
> And please don't give arbitrary definitions for abuse. I agree with that there is emotional neglect but that is why people go to counseling, start communicating better or separate and divorce when it won't work out, not have affairs.
> 
> A woman comes here saying that she is in an affair and first thing you tell her is that she is in abusive marriage with the little details you get from her post? Like I said, abuse isn't a word you throw around lightly. You need more details than that.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
> 
> I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.


Torn, 

If you stay with your husband you have to tell him about the affair. If you do not, the lie will be a cancer between the two of you that will destroy anything you try to rebuild.

Just think of how you will feel if he started to give you all the emotional attention (to include sex) that you want and you had this dirty secret. You think you have guilt now? You will have so much more.

So if you do love him and want to try to fix your marriage, you have to tell him.


----------



## warlock07

Right, withholding is very different from having no desire to have sex. The first case is abuse, the second case isn't. It can be many reasons(medical, psychological, self esteem). You right away implied that he was abusing her.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

ShootMePlz! said:


> How do you know he is not impotent or having ED issues if you haven't had sex in that long??
> 
> Might also check testosterone levels sometimes as we age that lessens and medicine can help.


Whenever I tried to be intimate with him, I can feel he's privates. He would reject me all together even if his privates are ready for sex. So I know his not impotents, Impotents are incapable of getting it up, my husband can but wont do it.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

anonim said:


> *...like this you mean?*


Anonim, I suggest you read all my posts. I did not exagerrate lack of sex in my marriage, I also don't justify my cheating with my marital problems. I envy when people would tell me that their husband will "ONLY" have sex with them twice a week (a friend of mine complaining), I almost laugh, I couldn't tell her that my husband would only do it 5 times this year.


----------



## EleGirl

anonim said:


> *...like this you mean?*





aug said:


> In the first post:
> If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter .
> 
> Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.


The OP did not say that her husband stopped having sex with her 5 years ago. She said that since they married 6 years ago they have only had sex about 35 times.. which is about every 2 months. That he will not initiate. She is the only one who initiates and he usually rejects her advances.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
> 
> I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.


The alternative is much worse. You will be living a miserable life. And that is much worse than divorce. You cannot change the past. Many times infidelity is an eye opener even to the densest of spouses. He might change or he might not. You can always walk away if he won't.

What country are you actually from?


----------



## MattMatt

> My affair did not affect my overall relationship with my daughter.


Really? Is that what you really think? It is probable that your daughter -at least on an emotional level- is aware that something is wrong.


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> Be consistent Elegirl. Maybe you are too biased because of your personal situation?


I am consistant. 

I believe that there are many ways to damage a marriage. And that some are bad enough that they are close to equivalent to the damage done by cheating.

There has been thread after thread here where other, not me, have said that the spouse who withholds sex left the marriage at the time that they started to withhold sex. 

He left the marriage 6 years ago. 

She left it with her affair.

That is not justification of the affair. There are two people here who are hurting each other all over the place.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
> 
> I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.


You will respond again. I will bet on it. That is the nature of the affair.


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I made a mistake for resolving my marital problems to cheating and I'm paying for that with guilt (It's eating me alive). My husband is a good man, he loves me and I know that. I think that if I disclose the affair, he will withhold sex more so than ever before, we may end up divorce even if we try to fixed our marriage.
> 
> I ended the affair, I will not talk to the OM again, even if he tries. I will not respond to his calls and messages.


See this is what I was wondering about. You say your H is a good man so I'm not quite convinced that he is purposely and knowingly trying to harm you so you have to find out what is going on with him.

If you believe he is withholding, do you know for sure he is punishing you or could he have other issues? Have you spoken about this issue with him in depth? Has he seen his doctor?

I'm glad you decided to go NC with OM. That's a good start. 

But you do need to tell you H about the affair. Read everything you can on the subject first. Consider speaking with a counsellor. Make sure you are prepared for his reaction. 

I've been down this road myself. My H was convinced I was withholding sex from him. He accused me of it but he didn't listen to my issues with him or understand that he made me feel very unsafe and unloved. From my perspective, he was emotionally abusing me and from his, he truly believed I was purposely withholding sex to punish him. I was not, but we both believed our own perspective. The truth was that we were both not feeling heard, or loved or appreciated. Long story but I'm sure you get the picture. There are two sides to an issue and the truth is somewhere in the middle and when you throw infidelity in the mix, well I believe the A also causes the WS to exaggerate their spouses shortcomings and rewrite marital history, to a certain extent. I'm just urging you to look closer at both sides. I would suggest MC as well but I still maintain you can't go to MC without laying all your cards on the table. In your case, that means the A.


----------



## Shaggy

Tell your husband. He has the right to know that he has been living in a open marriage. Asking him to change or to go to MC without knowing the truth of that you've been doing - is cowardly and selfish.

You say the OM bought you nice things that your husband won't or can't. - Do you suppose it's because your husband is supporting a family of 3 - with food, house, cars, medical etc. 

Mean while, the OM only has to pay for his little appartment and the dinners and booze it takes to get you to into his bed?


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Anonim, I suggest you read all my posts. I did not exagerrate lack of sex in my marriage, I also don't justify my cheating with my marital problems. I envy when people would tell me that their husband will "ONLY" have sex with them twice a week (a friend of mine complaining), I almost laugh, I couldn't tell her that my husband would only do it 5 times this year.





anonim said:


> You said you werent stupid so I'll presume you read augs post and see where the exaggeration on the OP comes into this


Well I guess augs had it wrong now didn't he? She never said what he claimed.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> What if the kid is not his and it's from another OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The affair start this year (April 2012) I ended it last Thursday. I never had any affair before April of 2012 and I was never intimate with anyone other than my husband when we had our daughter.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> The alternative is much worse. You will be living a miserable life. And that is much worse than divorce. You cannot change the past. Many times infidelity is an eye opener even to the densest of spouses. He might change or he might not. You can always walk away if he won't.
> 
> What country are you actually from?


 I'm from spain, my mom is malaysian, my dad is spanish.


----------



## warlock07

EleGirl said:


> I am consistant.
> 
> I believe that there are many ways to damage a marriage. And that some are bad enough that they are close to equivalent to the damage done by cheating.
> 
> There has been thread after thread here where other, not me, have said that the spouse who withholds sex left the marriage at the time that they started to withhold sex.
> 
> He left the marriage 6 years ago.
> 
> She left it with her affair.
> 
> That is not justification of the affair. There are two people here who are hurting each other all over the place.


I hate to say this but you are heavily projecting your own resentment into the OP's situation. You must have said that he was abusing her 10 times before you mentioned she was abusing him with her own affair. You even asked her if she thinks he is cheating in your initial posts.

And you totally decided the dynamic of their 6 year marriage and her H intentions from a few posts from the OP, who herself is heavily in the affair.

I made this post earlier



> Right, withholding is very different from having no desire to have sex. The first case is abuse, the second case isn't. It can be many reasons(medical, psychological, self esteem). You right away implied that he was abusing her.


OP is not a doctor. She cannot diagnose what the OP's problem is all by herself.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Zanna said:


> See this is what I was wondering about. You say your H is a good man so I'm not quite convinced that he is purposely and knowingly trying to harm you so you have to find out what is going on with him.
> 
> If you believe he is withholding, do you know for sure he is punishing you or could he have other issues? Have you spoken about this issue with him in depth? Has he seen his doctor?
> 
> I'm glad you decided to go NC with OM. That's a good start.
> 
> But you do need to tell you H about the affair. Read everything you can on the subject first. Consider speaking with a counsellor. Make sure you are prepared for his reaction.
> 
> I've been down this road myself. My H was convinced I was withholding sex from him. He accused me of it but he didn't listen to my issues with him or understand that he made me feel very unsafe and unloved. From my perspective, he was emotionally abusing me and from his, he truly believed I was purposely withholding sex to punish him. I was not, but we both believed our own perspective. The truth was that we were both not feeling heard, or loved or appreciated. Long story but I'm sure you get the picture. There are two sides to an issue and the truth is somewhere in the middle and when you throw infidelity in the mix, well I believe the A also causes the WS to exaggerate their spouses shortcomings and rewrite marital history, to a certain extent. I'm just urging you to look closer at both sides. I would suggest MC as well but I still maintain you can't go to MC without laying all your cards on the table. In your case, that means the A.


Zanna, I don't know if it's a good idea to tell him about the affair infront of MC? Should I tell him about the affair before MC or should I bring him to MC and tell him everything there? I am not sure what to do. I want to be as gentle about it as possible and tell him everything.


----------



## EleGirl

anonim said:


> ...but its funny how women will leave or cheat on men more often than men leave cheat on women for no sex...


Please provide us a link to the authoritative study that proves this statement of yours. What a load of nonsense.




anonim said:


> And affairs ARE abusive (to both genders), and to men, emasculating, and if you dont believe me, ask any man here that's been cheated on.


I have stated over and over again that affairs are abusive. Do you want to believe what I say or beat me about the head on shoulders about this and ignore my agreement on the topic?

Yes affairs are emasculating to men. And they are the equivalent to women who are cheated on. Men do not have a patent on the hurt that affairs cause.


anonim said:


> Nope. If your partner is abusive to you, very few people, man or woman would fail to empathize that you wouldnt want to have sex with your abuser.


Keep reading here on these forum… 



anonim said:


> No one is obligated to have sex with anyone. If you didnt want to have sex (with your partner) for a long term/permanent duration, for a reason unknown to your partner, the cause of you not wanting to have sex is the real problem, and THAT is what you are obligated to fix.


And what if it is your spouse who refuses to have sex? And it’s your spouse who will not tell why or work on it? Then you have no control over this. 

The only choice you have is to continue to be rejected or divorce. That’s it. And at this point the ending of the marriage is the fault of the spouse who withheld affection, time together and sex.

That is the point at which the OP found herself before the affair. She says that her husband refused to discuss or address the issue of no sex and no time together. So her choice is to live with it or leave. Unfortunately she chose to have an affair, a very very bad decision on her part. Now it’s her husband who will decide if he marriage is over or they reconcile... .unless she decides to walk first. As she talks here, it sounds like the OP still wants her marriage. This is an important decision for her to make before telling her husband about the affair.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> I hate to say this but you are heavily projecting your own resentment into the OP's situation. You must have said that he was abusing her 10 times before you mentioned she was abusing him with her own affair. You even asked her if she thinks he is cheating in your initial posts.
> 
> And you totally decided the dynamic of their 6 year marriage and her H intentions from a few posts from the OP, who herself is heavily in the affair.
> 
> I made this post earlier
> 
> 
> 
> OP is not a doctor. She cannot diagnose what the OP's problem is all by herself.


Warlock, I at first suspect he was cheating, I used to check his cellphone without his knowledge, read his emails and so forth. I vigilanty tried to find a reason for his lack of sex with me. I wrote a letter (back to back) before the cheating occur, about how I feel, the lack of sex and how much I am hurt by it and he disregard the letter and my cry for his attention. I guess I will find out everything once we go to MC.


----------



## aug

EleGirl said:


> *The OP did not say that her husband stopped having sex with her 5 years ago.* She said that since they married 6 years ago they have only had sex about 35 times.. which is about every 2 months. That he will not initiate. She is the only one who initiates and he usually rejects her advances.



Yes she did. I quoted it.

Anyways, she further clarified her claim in another post.


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> OP is not a doctor. She cannot diagnose what the OP's problem is all by herself.


And after 6 years of him having a problem he has not got to a doctor for help, has not seen a counselor, and from what the op said he has outright ignored her when he has tried to talk to him about it. She stated that she wrote him a letter telling him how badly she hurt from his rejection and he ignored the letter. 

Yes there might be issues with him. But he has apparently not been open with her or sought a solution for 6 years. He'd apparently rather have her hurt then deal with it.


As for the affair comment.. I think it's reasonable to think that a healthy man who still can function sexually might be getting sex else where when he gets it only once every 2 months at home.

I'm not saying that he is cheating, but it's one consideration.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

MattMatt said:


> Really? Is that what you really think? It is probable that your daughter -at least on an emotional level- is aware that something is wrong.


My daughter is 18 Months old to be exact. She don't know whats going on yet. I was and is always there for my daughter.


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Warlock, I at first suspect he was cheating, I used to check his cellphone without his knowledge, read his emails and so forth. I vigilanty tried to find a reason for his lack of sex with me. I wrote a letter (back to back) before the cheating occur, about how I feel, the lack of sex and how much I am hurt by it and he disregard the letter and my cry for his attention. I guess I will find out everything once we go to MC.



You did say in another post that he is a homicide detective. That type of a job could be extremely depressing, I would think, and could be a strong contributing factor to his disinterest. 


Anyways, tell or dont tell, you have a very difficult choice ahead of you. Either way you are forever changed.


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Zanna, I don't know if it's a good idea to tell him about the affair infront of MC? Should I tell him about the affair before MC or should I bring him to MC and tell him everything there? I am not sure what to do. I want to be as gentle about it as possible and tell him everything.


Oh, I'm not suggesting you ambush him in MC. I just think you shouldn't bother with MC UNTIL after you tell him about the A.

BUT before you tell him about the A, you need a plan on how you are going to talk to him about your justifications. You must assure him that your A was the WRONG choice. Later, he will want to know why you had an A and you can tell him why you made the wrong choice but you must still own that choice. You justified the A by your claim that he was withholding sex but that was not a reason to cheat. That was the excuse you used. You have to make that clear. That doesn't mean you can't deal with the issue of sex in your marriage but you have to own your poor way of solving this problem. There were better ways to solve this problem as already mentioned so you have to explain to him that is what you should have done - counselling, books, given him a choice of separating if the issue was not dealt with, etc.

Pick up a few books on infidelity too. I'd read as much as you can first, and whatever you do, do not contact OM or respond to his texts, calls, emails, smoke signals, whatever. Do you have a close friend that can support you through this?

Oh, and when you tell your H, make sure your daughter is with a friend or relative.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> Tell your husband. He has the right to know that he has been living in a open marriage. Asking him to change or to go to MC without knowing the truth of that you've been doing - is cowardly and selfish.
> 
> You say the OM bought you nice things that your husband won't or can't. - Do you suppose it's because your husband is supporting a family of 3 - with food, house, cars, medical etc.
> 
> Mean while, the OM only has to pay for his little appartment and the dinners and booze it takes to get you to into his bed?


Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> As for the affair comment.. I think it's reasonable to think that a healthy man who still can function *sexually might be getting sex else where *when he gets it only once every 2 months at home.
> 
> I'm not saying that he is cheating, but it's one consideration.


Funny that you mentioned that. We were watching a show one day about something and the sex was brought up. I said something about "Who can live without sex", his response was " I can". I don't know what to make of it.


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.


No, of course it's not going to be easy. Doing the right thing is seldom easy. We understand that. Some of us all too well. 

You see, my H was in your position. He agonized over whether to tell me about his A. It was killing him so he started reading books on infidelity. He went to counselling. He tried many times to tell me because he knew he could not stay in the M without telling me but he was afraid of losing me. I get that and I'm sure in time, your H will get that too. In my H's case, a crazy OW forced his hand because she thought him choosing his M was unfair to her. However, now he regrets not telling me sooner because he said if he had, we'd be that much further along in our healing. His justification for cheating was also lack of sex and feeling rejected BUT he never once blamed me for the A. Even on D-day, he acknowledged that his excuse was merely an excuse, it was wrong, I did not deserve it and that he regretted it horribly. I always said an A was a dealbreaker and we are still early on so perhaps it is, BUT it was the way he handled himself after that made me consider reconciliation. 

You made your choices and you have to live with those choices. You can't control your H's decisions but you can make sure you give him every reason to give you a second chance.

Keep reading the forum. You will learn a lot.


----------



## EleGirl

aug said:


> Yes she did. I quoted it.
> 
> Anyways, she further clarified her claim in another post.


I just went through all the pages of this thread to double check. 

Yes she did say that he stopped having sex with her during the first year of the marriage. She later clarified that he does not initiate sex.. she has to beg for it. And they only have it about once every 2 months or about 35 times in 6 years.




Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> This year (2012) we have had sex 5 times and I ask him what is wrong with him, he could not give me a straight up answer.





Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc.





Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Our sex life is non-existence. During the 6 years of marriage I can count our sex encounter (35 times more or less). I am only 28 years old, and he's depriving with something we need to keep our marriage strong. There is nothing wrong with him, he never had any surgery and he is not impotent, although sometimes I wish he is, that way my feelings aren't always hurt whenever he REJECT me in bed.





Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *Aug, he will only have sex with me if I initiate and beg him for it.* he never once initiate the sex. and we have our daughter because we planned it, we had ONE sex the night of March 8 and then April 14 by May 26 we found out I was pregnant.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.


I highly suggest you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will help both of you.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Funny that you mentioned that. We were watching a show one day about something and the sex was brought up. I said something about "Who can live without sex", his response was " I can". I don't know what to make of it.


I agree, odd comment.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I'm from spain, my mom is malaysian, my dad is spanish.


Attitude towards sex at your home? Malaysians are very conservative right?


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy, I am a coward and selfish. I want to tell him so bad whats going on, and I am so afraid to see his reaction. I am also very selfish for cheating, I enjoyed the moment I had with OM, but now I ended it with him, I don't know what to do. I don't know what's going to happen in my marriage. I understand what all of you are saying, that I should tell my husband. It is very easy to suggest, but it's the hardest thing one ever have to do. I am having a hard time opening my mouth and tell him the truth, I just cant find the words. I did say I would tell him, but right now, my mind is in clouds. I am weighing the situation. Maybe I should give it sometime, talk to him about us and see how I can insert that "affair" thingy.


Your marriage is already done for , dead. There is nothing to save except the good memories along with the bad ones. You will have to rebuild from the scratch


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Attitude towards sex at your home? Malaysians are very conservative right?


I was raised in Spain by my malaysian mother. But the sex should not have anything to do by my culture. I am, like everyone else wants to experience a mind blowing sex from my husband for at least more than he is giving me right now, I also wish he would start initiating it than having to have me beg for something I shouldn't have.

You said attitude towards sex? My husband is American, he was born and raise here in the US by his parents who was also born here. (His great great grand parents were german and irish immigrants)


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Funny that you mentioned that. We were watching a show one day about something and the sex was brought up. I said something about "Who can live without sex", his response was " I can". I don't know what to make of it.



What about your sex life before the marriage? Did you have one? How was he then?

It often happens that women like and respect a guy because he is not sex obsessed while dating and then complain about his low drive after the marriage.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> I highly suggest you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will help both of you.


I will get that book, I could probably download it in my Kindle.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> What about your sex life before the marriage? Did you have one? How was he then?
> 
> It often happens that women like and respect a guy because he is not sex obsessed while dating and then complain about his low drive after the marriage.


Before the marriage: We would have sex 8 times a day, and almost every day, I would be the one giving up because it was too much. The very first day of our marriage thats when he stops initiating sex.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> I just went through all the pages of this thread to double check.
> 
> Yes she did say that he stopped having sex with her during the first year of the marriage. She later clarified that he does not initiate sex.. she has to beg for it. And they only have it about once every 2 months or about 35 times in 6 years.


Thanks Elle for your understanding in my situation. I consider it "stop" having sex with he stops initiating the sex. and even then, he still rejects me when I ask him for it.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I was raised in Spain by my malaysian mother. But the sex should not have anything to do by my culture. I am, like everyone else wants to experience a mind blowing sex from my husband for at least more than he is giving me right now, I also wish he would start initiating it than having to have me beg for something I shouldn't have.
> 
> You said attitude towards sex? My husband is American, he was born and raise here in the US by his parents who was also born here. (His great great grand parents were german and irish immigrants)


No, what I meant is that some cultures have a much more conservative(repressed) outlook towards sex and if your resentment had anything to do with it. (You are opening up inspite of the culture and he is still rejecting you after you put yourself in a vulnerable position)

And your husband, is he religious?


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Before the marriage: We would have sex 8 times a day, and almost every day, I would be the one giving up because it was too much. The very first day of our marriage thats when he stops initiating sex.


:scratchhead:

That is very odd. Have you asked him about it?


----------



## warlock07

Who is this other guy? Does your H know about him? How long back did the affair start(Not just the physical aspect)


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> No, what I meant is that some cultures have a much more conservative(repressed) outlook towards sex and if your resentment had anything to do with it. (You are opening up inspite of the culture and he is still rejecting you after you put yourself in a vulnerable position)
> 
> And your husband, is he religious?


My husband is a christian, but not very religious.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Who is this other guy? Does your H know? How long back did the affair start(Not just the physical aspect)


My H doesn't know who the other guy was and the affair started April of 2012. We had two physical encounter this June of 2012 and I ended it right away when we had sex. The guy is an exec for the company I worked for. So it's highly likely we will see each other again, but I will reject him with all my power and avoid him as much as possible. He told me that he will help me with everything I need if I divorce my H, but I choose to end the affair and be with my husband.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> That is very odd. Have you asked him about it?


Yes, I did. He said he was tired, have headaches, stressed etc etc. But now that I think about it, the day we got married, he started working with this female partner who he became really close with. I always suspect something but I brush it off alot of times because I just could not imagine her cheating on her husband.


----------



## warlock07

Is he a single guy? Don't believe a single word he says. And imagine the humiliation if this gets out at work!!! Work affairs are the worst. You should never sh!t where you eat. people must have noticed already


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Yes, I did. He said he was tired, have headaches, stressed etc etc. But now that I think about it, the day we got married, he started working with this female partner who he became really close with. I always suspect something but I brush it off alot of times because I just could not imagine her cheating on her husband.



Is he still working with her? Do you have access to his email accounts and phone records?

How much say do you have in the marriage? Do you make any major decisions for both of you? You come off as a bit submissive.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Is he a single guy? Don't believe a single word he says. And imagine the humiliation if this gets out at work!!! Work affairs are the worst. You should never sh!t where you eat. people must have noticed already


Yes he's single. I work in a branch, he works in a corporate office so we only see each other if I have to go to corporate office.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My H doesn't know who the other guy was and the affair started April of 2012. We had two physical encounter this June of 2012 and I ended it right away when we had sex. The guy is an exec in the company I worked for. So it's highly likely we will see each other again, but I will reject him with all my power and avoid him as much as possible. He told me that he will help me with everything I need if I divorce my H, but I choose to end the affair and be with my husband.


Something for you to keep in mind. Only about 2% of all affairs last beyond a 2 yr period. Generally the male AP (affair partner) dumps the female when the affair is exposed. For those that last a bit longer, they gnerally end when one of their marriages break up.

Your chance of a future with your AP is almost zero.

This guy was no doubt using you. What were the circumstances under which the affair started? Does he have any authority over you at work?

If you are going to rebuild your marriage you should really look for work with a company where this guy does not work. That way you can be sure of never seeing him again.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Is he still working with her? Do you access to his email accounts and phone records?
> 
> How much say do you have in the marriage? Do you make any major decisions for both of you? You come off as a bit submissive.


I check phone records, he calls her a lot and they send text messages and so forth. The other night I saw his message asking her how she was (she took two days off because of cold), and she replied she wasn't feeling well. I thought that was wierd and I ask him about it and he said why am I reading his text message, he also told me that he isnt reading mine. I don't know if you can call me submissive, but maybe I am, I don't know. As you can see from my previous post, I can't have him have sex with me, I tried to drag him to a movie theater and he refuse, I beg him to have dinner or take me to romantic places, yet he will only say yes and never actually do it. So yes I am submissive for putting up to all this. My biggest mistake was I resort to cheating rather than fixing what ever is there to fix.


----------



## iJordan

EleGirl said:


> I suggest you back off. You obviously do not know me.


I don't need to know you; I specified _'all of your posts *in this thread*...'_ for a reason. 



EleGirl said:


> Yea, and you are an expert on the topic right?


How do you know I am not? And more to the point, I don't need to be: ad hominem arguments are laughable. Your claim that her husband's lack of intimacy is objectively considered as abuse is not factually accurate. 



EleGirl said:


> Instead of you coming after me for taking a wider view of marriage, why don’t you tell the OP how you feel and think? I will not attack you for what you say in the manner that you have attacked me.


I did tell her, albeit indirectly: her marriage issues are not an excuse for her infidelity and she should not listen to people who try and justify her actions because of said issues. She owes her husband the truth—regardless of the fate of the marriage—and her infidelity and subsequent omission are not equivalent to his lack of intimacy and lack of explanation.



EleGirl said:


> Well, apparently her husband does not prescribe to the same standard of radical honesty as you want her to. He will not tell her why he has rejected her for 6 years. But you seem to be ok with that.


Your apologist attitude is just weird and your above example is disanalogous.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> Something for you to keep in mind. Only about 2% of all affairs last beyond a 2 yr period. Generally the male AP (affair partner) dumps the female when the affair is exposed. For those that last a bit longer, they gnerally end when one of their marriages break up.
> 
> Your chance of a future with your AP is almost zero.
> 
> This guy was no doubt using you. What were the circumstances under which the affair started? Does he have any authority over you at work?
> 
> If you are going to rebuild your marriage you should really look for work with a company where this guy does not work. That way you can be sure of never seeing him again.


It's hard to find a job and dump the place I work for just like that, especially in this economy. I like my job, I enjoy working for the company I worked for. He has some authority over me, although, he is not my indirect boss (He is the boss of my bosses boss). You're right, the emotional affair we have had could very well be a lie, he stayed with me even without the sex and the sex happens because I allowed for it to happen. He tried to call me and I ignore, he also send me a text message and I again ignore. I admit, I developed some feelings for him, but I ended it for the sake of my daughter, I don't want her to suffer because of my selfishness, I guess if I don't get the sex, then so be it. Will see how I can survive this whole thing.


----------



## EleGirl

iJordan said:


> How do you know I am not? And more to the point, I don't need to be: ad hominem arguments are laughable.


It's not an ad hominem argument to ask for support for something you claim. I guess you have no support for your statement.




iJordan said:


> Your claim that her husband's lack of intimacy is objectively considered as abuse is not factually accurate.


My husband’s psychiatrist does not agree with you on this. My husband, his psychiatrist and I have had long discussions about this. Under the circumstances it is considered abuse.

Sure is the couple is such that they can both live with no, or almost no sex life, that’s their choice. In a marriage where one of them wants an active sex life (more than once every 2 months) and the other refuses sex most of the time.

You come live my life for a while and then you will have a right to say something about my life.


iJordan said:


> I did tell her, albeit indirectly: her marriage issues are not an excuse for her infidelity and she should not listen to people who try and justify her actions because of said issues. She owes her husband the truth—regardless of the fate of the marriage—and her infidelity and subsequent omission are not equivalent to his lack of intimacy and lack of explanation.


I am not trying to justify her infidelity. It is you who interprets what I am talking to her about as justifying her infidelity. Thus your interpretation is your problem, not mine.



iJordan said:


> Your apologist attitude is just weird and your above example is disanalogous.


I do not have an apologist attitude. Do you really believe that it’s apologetic to discuss all aspects of her marriage? 

It’s pretty clear that her husband does not prescribe to radical honesty. He will not open up to his wife about whatever is bothering him. That is not being honest.

Why would you have a problem with pointing that he is not being honest?


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> It's hard to find a job and dump the place I work for just like that, especially in this economy. I like my job, I enjoy working for the company I worked for. He has some authority over me, although, he is not my indirect boss (He is the boss of my bosses boss). You're right, the emotional affair we have had could very well be a lie, he stayed with me even without the sex and the sex happens because I allowed for it to happen. He tried to call me and I ignore, he also send me a text message and I again ignore. I admit, I developed some feelings for him, but I ended it for the sake of my daughter, I don't want her to suffer because of my selfishness, I guess if I don't get the sex, then so be it. Will see how I can survive this whole thing.


Since he is that removed from you, you might be ok. Especially since he does not work in the same building you do. Just avoid him at all costs.

Since it has become clear that you want to stay in your marriage, you need to tell your husband about your affair. It will be hard but you have to.

Then he will decide whether or not he wants to reconcile or get a divorce. That's just a fact of life that you will have to live with.

If he decides that he wants to reconcile your marriage, then no you do not accept a life with little to no sex and him rejecting you.

After you read the book suggested, "Surviving an Affair", you will understand the idea of radical honesty. The two of you have to learn to be completely honest with each other.

You have to tell him what you need... you need a healthy sex life.

He has to tell you what is issue is with not wanting to ahve sex with you, not wanting to do things with you. Look at the links to "His Needs, Her Needs" and "LoveBusters". 

You both have an obligation to tell the other what you need.
And you both have an obligation to fill the other's needs.

Since he is not telling you the probelm with sex, you cannot change your behavior to make things work.

And if the problem is stress at work, then he has to do something to get beyond that.

However, before you can get to the rebuilding, you have to get through the pain of the affair... that's step one... So tell him.


----------



## anonim

EleGirl said:


> Has your spouse refused sex with you for years?
> 
> *Nope.*
> 
> Has your spouse refused to spend time with your for years?
> 
> *Nope.*


still not as bad as cheating. IF people inside of a relationship are unhappy with it they can leave without doing any major harm to each other, and _then_ find someone else to get their needs met. That way they have their integrity intact. they both had that choice, neither one took it. OP *chose* to have an affair, knowing it would do long term/permanent harm. not just in this relationship, but in future ones. That cant really be justified by only being given sex 2x a month. there are better choices than cheating.


----------



## EleGirl

anonim said:


> still not as bad as cheating. IF people inside of a relationship are unhappy with it they can leave without doing any major harm to each other, and _then_ find someone else to get their needs met. That way they have their integrity intact. they both had that choice, neither one took it. OP *chose* to have an affair, knowing it would do long term/permanent harm. not just in this relationship, but in future ones. That cant really be justified by only being given sex 2x a month. there are better choices than cheating.


I have stated repeatedly that there is not excuse for cheating. If you choose to ignore that I have said that it's your problem, not mine.


----------



## anonim

EleGirl said:


> Well I guess augs had it wrong now didn't he? She never said what he claimed.
> 
> 
> 
> aug said:
> 
> 
> 
> Yes she did. I quoted it.
> 
> Anyways, she further clarified her claim in another post.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> I just went through all the pages of this thread to double check.
> 
> Yes she did say that he stopped having sex with her during the first year of the marriage. She later clarified that he does not initiate sex.. she has to beg for it. And they only have it about once every 2 months or about 35 times in 6 years.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

aparently augs had it right now didnt he??? :scratchhead:


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> It's hard to find a job and dump the place I work for just like that, especially in this economy. I like my job, I enjoy working for the company I worked for. He has some authority over me, although, he is not my indirect boss (He is the boss of my bosses boss). You're right, the emotional affair we have had could very well be a lie, he stayed with me even without the sex and the sex happens because I allowed for it to happen. He tried to call me and I ignore, he also send me a text message and I again ignore. I admit, I developed some feelings for him, but I ended it for the sake of my daughter, I don't want her to suffer because of my selfishness, I guess if I don't get the sex, then so be it. Will see how I can survive this whole thing.



That is the wrong way to go about it. It is the same attitude that made you have an affair instead of confronting the issue in a much constructive manner.

If the OM is your bosses boss boss, how he he get in touch with you? how did you make the first contact ? And what field are you working in? (Medical , retail etc)


----------



## Will_Kane

Tell your husband that you are extremely unhappy with the lack of sex and insist on marriage counseling or divorce. You have to make your husband understand the seriousness of how you feel. If that means bringing up divorce, do it.

Tell other man to stop contacting you. If you forcefully tell him this, that you want no contact whatsoever, that if he continues you will file harassment charges against him. This should get him to stop.

I think you should tell your husband about the affair, but if you don't, you won't be the first to take that route. Give some consideration to the chance that, if you don't tell your husband, it is possible that someone else will tell him - other man, coworker who knows/suspects - and it likely will make you look much worse to your husband that you didn't confess, he found it out from someone else.

Whether or not you tell your husband about the affair, in the future, if you are having problems with your husband, face them head on. You can see it's better for everyone to divorce first and then find someone else than to cheat.

These are my opinions, not expert advice, and you are free to follow them or not.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

In all honesty, OP should of never cheated regardless of what was going on.

Asking hubby to go to MC and him refusing is not communicating well enough. That's very minimal communication at best.

There is nothing that can justify cheating, ever. Your husband has a right to know. Also, get tested for STD's. What if you got herpes, gentile warts, hepatitis, or another incurable STD??? You will pass it on to your husband. I can bet this OM had several other women he was sleeping with besides you, married and single women. Have you thought about that?

My ex h cheated on me. He told me in one breath that I set him up to cheat and then he denied cheating all together. I left. When I left, I found out he had slept with several women while married to me. He defiantly was in a "fog", so to speak. He could not tell me the truth. He now cheats on his current wife.

OP, your husband has the right to know. You have no rights cheating on him while married. YOU broke your marriage vows, not him. There is nothing in this world to justify your actions. Woman up to them and tell your husband. Yes, he may leave, but YOU chose this path. He may stay too. 

Just to let you know, in my marriage now, I do all of the initiating of intimacy. I'm much higher drive then my husband. If he says no and I'm going crazy inside, I know how to take care of myself. My husband works very hard for our family and I respect that.

I respect my husband as he respects me. However, my husband and I address any issues ASAP. We don't hold back on anything.

I'm not sure why you are living in this lie and not telling him because your not ready for divorce? Why is that? You can't have your cake and eat it too. Life doesn't work this way. You made a very big mistake and you must own up to it. Rug sweeping will not solve any issues. Your marriage now will just get worse as time goes on.

Put yourself in your husbands shoes, how would you like if he had an affair on you? If he was in love with another woman? Would you be okay with it? I bet you wouldn't.


----------



## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thank Elle. The OM is a 29 year old single. What attract me the most is the "fantasy" he provides for me that my husband refuse to give. He is the man, my husband used to be. This all feel like a bad dream to me, I never thought that I will be in this situation. My husband is a great man, but he is not what the OM is. I don't know, it is hard to explain. Maybe, the lack of intimacy between my husband I led me to stray. I take full responsibility for what I did. I am just very worried of reproccussion I will be made to face once my Husband finds out.


It's important for you to know that many men are experienced 'players', and know what exactly what to say and do to women who are still young, but have been married a few years and the passion may have gone out of their relationship. I know single guys that 'target' married women because many times-- they're easy. All of them looking for the same; romance, and fantasy, a knight in shining armor. And it's it easy to provide on a secret rendevous with no crying kids, no worrying about bills, and without the dulldrums of married life. To be honest I think your OM is one of these. That's why he's not so interested anymore as things get more serious. He's probably moving on to newer clients. 

At least give your husband the same chance you give the OM.


----------



## EleGirl

anonim said:


> aparently augs had it right now didnt he??? :scratchhead:


Nope, she clarified that if you read all the related posts.


----------



## Shaggy

The OM chased you for a couple of months, and he got you to have sex with him twice in the last month.

You say you ended it - but that was in the last week right after you had sex.

He'll be back and he'll be pressuring you- oh, at first it will only be coffee etc, but he'll be working on getting you in bed with sweet talk. He knows he can, he knows what will work.

He might even say you need to meet him or else he will tell your husband.

Either way - he'll be back because he's found that he can get you in bed. So don't just think you're so easily done with him. He knows you are married and will have sex with him. If you really weren't like that you wouuldn't have had it once, and you certainly wouldn't have had it twice.

Right now your OM is just waiting for you to get over the fact that you are a cheater and to rationalize your guilt away. Give is a week or two, and he'll be right back expecting you in his bed again.

I must ask, how does a mom, with a job, who is the primary care giver, find the time to get away for romantic dinners with your OM and sex with him? How do you explain to your husband the gifts he is giving you, and the sexy clothes you wear for him?

You weren't a coward when it came to taking off you clothes twice and getting into bed with the OM. You found the courage to go on dates, when you knew what he was after. You found the courage to have sex.

So, find the courage to be honest with your husband that your marriage vows have ended a month ago.

If you can't say the words, write them down and give him the note.

and no matter what happens - DO NOT - run back into the arms of the OM, even if your husband asks you to leave.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

You strayed and you realized that its wrong and you ended it, its a good move because many WS come to this stage only when they have their D papers in their hand. It will be too late for them to do any thing to save their marriage and correct their mistakes (bad choices)

When you decided to have an affair you know that it was wrong, it will hurt your husband, it can destroy your marriage still you proceeded and took it to PA, so you have to face the consequences for your action its inevitable but consequences may be less if you reveal it yourself, it will give more chance of BS believing you. If he find it himself the result will be more disgusting and more devastating to your marriage and to your child, so face it head on. gather the courage and disclose it to your husband, OWN it and take responsibility, don't blame shift and show him how regretful and remorseful you are. This will give you a chance to salvage your marriage and there is a possibility that you will have a better marriage than you have now.

Never believe in your ability to hide it for ever, because truth is like sun clouds cannot hide it for long it will come out one day may be from your own mouth when your guilt eat you up, from vengeful OM, or co workers who suspect (don't be the cat who thinks if he drink the milk eyes shut no one will see that, many may have already noticed your changes and dynamics, your husband may already started suspecting and may be waiting for proof, he may get the proof he was waiting in the form of a message from OM.

Dont think that Om is very caring because he take you to a near by place or buy you something your husband wont, he is doing this to get a free ride with a married women without much effort and expenses, you ask for something expensive than the charge he have to pay for a prostitute he will decline it or find some excuses.

You never faced your problems in your marriage in the way it should be, it took you to this stage, now is your last chance to do it right and face it honestly. dont live your life on lies.


----------



## Sara8

Torn:

All relationships are wonderful at first blush. 

However when you marry and take vows to forsake all others and to stay in sickness and in health, it takes maturity to realize that the newness of sex will wear off and the common day to day struggles of daily life will take away the adrenaline rush of a new romance. 

Marriages take work. People who cheat do not understand that and are not willing to do the work to keep the marriage healthy. 

If you were so unhappy, counseling should have been your first choice and if that did not fix thing, than a divorce is so much better than betraying your spouse by sneaking around behind his back.


----------



## Baffled01

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> OP, your husband has the right to know. You have no rights cheating on him while married. YOU broke your marriage vows, not him. There is nothing in this world to justify your actions. Woman up to them and tell your husband. Yes, he may leave, but YOU chose this path. He may stay too.


Telling him will initially upset him, but it may also relieve him too, as he may already suspect you are involved with someone. 

It MAY reignite his passion for you too.

Question: Who is the OM?Co-worker, neighbor, friend from the gym. Did you confide your marital woes to this man? If so, you are betraying your spouse right there. The other man probably saw that as a green light to move in on you.


----------



## aug

EleGirl said:


> Nope, she clarified that if you read all the related posts.




She clarified it after I pointed out the inconsistency in her claim.

She said 35 in the last 6 years. That 35 times could had been in the first year of having sex. That's would be consistent with her claim of having sex 8 times a day before marriage.

We know she had sex. The 18 month old baby support that fact. The fact she claimed no sex for 5 years showed the "facts" she's providing is somewhat tainted and inaccurate.


----------



## Baffled01

Just reread your first post and sent you a PM because your situation is similar to mine except I'm the husband (and sex is not a problem with me) . You seem very naive and very much in the 'fog'. Your post echoes many of the complaints that WW's make about their BH's to justify their affairs. 

Most (about 90%) of men really don't like shopping at malls, not like women do, unless they're gay. If your AP does, this will probably wear off as you know each other better. 

Movies, out to dinner, I wish I could take my wife out more-- just the two of us. But with the kids and lack of babysitting and both of us working, there's no way. Maybe this is the case with you. Maybe that would be your husbands POV also if you asked him.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

EleGirl said:


> Goodgrief, I guess some here have a real problem with reading comprehension.
> 
> I am not making excuses for cheating. The OP has no excuse for what she did.


I can comprehend just fine... although others may not.

I was just making a broader point... not challenging you.

Take it down a notch.


----------



## anonim

EleGirl said:


> Nope, she clarified that if you read all the related posts.





aug said:


> She clarified it after I pointed out the inconsistency in her claim.
> 
> She said 35 in the last 6 years. That 35 times could had been in the first year of having sex. That's would be consistent with her claim of having sex 8 times a day before marriage.
> 
> We know she had sex. The 18 month old baby support that fact. The fact she claimed no sex for 5 years showed the "facts" she's providing is somewhat tainted and inaccurate.


If you choose to ignore that, it's your problem, not mine.


----------



## somethingelse

I think we've lost the whole point of this here. Torn...you need to stop lying. You need to stop cheating and you need to stop being afraid of what will happen to you from here on out, and do the right thing. If you hold all this in forever, your marriage will deteriorate more anyway because of your guilt. Your husband is wrong for denying your needs for so many years despite what you've done. But you need to see that this is something you have to fix. Also, are you willing to stay with him knowing that if he knew what you have done, he possibly wouldn't want to be with you? That's not a very comforting feeling. How will you ever know if you don't tell him? And others on here are so right when they say that if he comes around and starts wooing you and loving you the way you should be loved, you will feel 100 times more guilt than if you get this over with right now.


----------



## sinnister

Nobody is defending OP's actions. Nobody.

And telling the husband is essential. He has a right to know.

Here is the huge BUT:

How on earth can some of the posters here minimize the importance of intimacy in a marriage? My wife turned of the tap after marriage too. I went for 18 months (Not exaggerating I counted) without sex. It was the most emotionally grueling time of my life. By far! I'm now in the midst of another almost 12 month dry run and I'm a shell of who I used to be. I will NEVER leave as long as my kids are there. I will NEVER see my little girls part time. That is non negotioable. So, I'm left to suffer in a marriage where I'm not desired.

If OP is feeling even a fraction of how worthless, unattractive and undeseriable as I feel now, I can EASILY see how she cheated. It takes every ounce of energy I have from day to day to not cheat. I commend those who think it's as simple as just leaving the marriage. In my situation it will never be such a clear cut case and I'm guessing it's the same for OP.

I'm almost positive those that are making what I consider to be over the top comments have never been in a truly sexless marriage. (over a year with zero, nadda, zilch). 

Take it for what it's worth. It is NOT an excuse for cheating. It is a factor contrubuting to an unhappy marriage. And if he refuses to listen or work on it (as most deniers do), then that is a contributing factor to the dissolution of the marriage. OP just took it to the next step.


----------



## lordmayhem

sinnister said:


> Nobody is defending OP's actions. Nobody.
> 
> And telling the husband is essential. He has a right to know.
> 
> Here is the huge BUT:
> 
> How on earth can some of the posters here minimize the importance of intimacy in a marriage? My wife turned of the tap after marriage too. I went for 18 months (Not exaggerating I counted) without sex. It was the most emotionally grueling time of my life. By far! I'm now in the midst of another almost 12 month dry run and I'm a shell of who I used to be. I will NEVER leave as long as my kids are there. I will NEVER see my little girls part time. That is non negotioable. So, I'm left to suffer in a marriage where I'm not desired.
> 
> If OP is feeling even a fraction of how worthless, unattractive and undeseriable as I feel now, I can EASILY see how she cheated. It takes every ounce of energy I have from day to day to not cheat. I commend those who think it's as simple as just leaving the marriage. In my situation it will never be such a clear cut case and I'm guessing it's the same for OP.
> 
> I'm almost positive those that are making what I consider to be over the top comments have never been in a truly sexless marriage. (over a year with zero, nadda, zilch).
> 
> Take it for what it's worth. It is NOT an excuse for cheating. It is a factor contrubuting to an unhappy marriage. And if he refuses to listen or work on it (as most deniers do), then that is a contributing factor to the dissolution of the marriage. OP just took it to the next step.


You live in a sexless marriage because you choose to. That's something I would refuse to do, and I won't use my sons as an excuse to stay in one. *If my fWW refuses to share the physical intimacy of sex, then she's not loving me completely*. And if she does not love me completely, then there can be no marriage. My boys will be fine and I can still be the positive influence a father should be. But my fWW can't use them as a threat to keep me in such a marriage in name only.

I also refuse to show my sons a bad example of marriage, as if that's the way a marriage is supposed to be.


----------



## Sara8

sinnister said:


> It takes every ounce of energy I have from day to day to not cheat. I commend those who think it's as simple as just leaving the marriage. In my situation it will never be such a clear cut case and I'm guessing it's the same for OP.
> 
> I'm almost positive those that are making what I consider to be over the top comments have never been in a truly sexless marriage. (over a year with zero, nadda, zilch).
> 
> Take it for what it's worth. It is NOT an excuse for cheating. It is a factor contrubuting to an unhappy marriage. And if he refuses to listen or work on it (as most deniers do), then that is a contributing factor to the dissolution of the marriage. OP just took it to the next step.


Huh. As LM suggested, he would divorce a wife who refused sex. 

If your wife has no health issue that causes her to be unable to have sex, than you can ask for counseling, sex therapy or file for divorce. 

Cheating is wrong. 

If you get erectile dysfunction and viagra doesn't work for you (and it does not work in all cases)
will it be Okay for your wife to cheat on you?


----------



## Baffled01

Five times since the beginning of 2012 is not exactly refusing sex. (though it's certainly not enough for me) That's almost once a month, and some of the members here have been through alot worse than that. Factor in a small child and both spouses working alot.

I am much older than my wife too, and she has two girlfriends also married to older husbands. My wife 'complained' to her girlfriends that I wanted sex every day, and then they complained to her (if they were being truthful) that there husbands only had sex with them once a month-- and usually at their urging. Both of these girls are pretty Asian girls too, very attractive. Go figure.


----------



## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My H doesn't know who the other guy was and the affair started April of 2012. We had two physical encounter this June of 2012 and I ended it right away when we had sex. The guy is an exec in the company I worked for. So it's highly likely we will see each other again, but I will reject him with all my power and avoid him as much as possible. He told me that he will help me with everything I need if I divorce my H, but I choose to end the affair and be with my husband.


If he's an exec and dating a married employee, then there are probably ethics and fraternization violations here, and that's why he's backing off. 

Where I work there is a hotline to report such issues.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

sinnister said:


> Nobody is defending OP's actions. Nobody.
> 
> And telling the husband is essential. He has a right to know.
> 
> Here is the huge BUT:
> 
> How on earth can some of the posters here minimize the importance of intimacy in a marriage? My wife turned of the tap after marriage too. I went for 18 months (Not exaggerating I counted) without sex. It was the most emotionally grueling time of my life. By far! I'm now in the midst of another almost 12 month dry run and I'm a shell of who I used to be. I will NEVER leave as long as my kids are there. I will NEVER see my little girls part time. That is non negotioable. So, I'm left to suffer in a marriage where I'm not desired.
> 
> If OP is feeling even a fraction of how worthless, unattractive and undeseriable as I feel now, I can EASILY see how she cheated. It takes every ounce of energy I have from day to day to not cheat. I commend those who think it's as simple as just leaving the marriage. In my situation it will never be such a clear cut case and I'm guessing it's the same for OP.
> 
> I'm almost positive those that are making what I consider to be over the top comments have never been in a truly sexless marriage. (over a year with zero, nadda, zilch).
> 
> Take it for what it's worth. It is NOT an excuse for cheating. It is a factor contrubuting to an unhappy marriage. And if he refuses to listen or work on it (as most deniers do), then that is a contributing factor to the dissolution of the marriage. OP just took it to the next step.


Sinnester,

Thank you so much. I feel horrible for what I did and I'm not using this as an excuse but I'm glad that you understand someone like me. It's very difficult to be married to a person who refused to be intimate with you. For six years, I was faithful, other times, I imagine that my H and I will do intimate things together as a couple. I feel alone, rejected and I built a lot of resentment towards him. I do still love him, but I'm not sure if I'm "in love" with him anymore. I am so confused with how I'm feeling right now. I rebuffed the idea of leaving him mostly because of my love for my daughter. If it was just him and I, I would be long gone.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Baffled01 said:


> Just reread your first post and sent you a PM because your situation is similar to mine except I'm the husband (and sex is not a problem with me) . You seem very naive and very much in the 'fog'. Your post echoes many of the complaints that WW's make about their BH's to justify their affairs.
> 
> Most (about 90%) of men really don't like shopping at malls, not like women do, unless they're gay. If your AP does, this will probably wear off as you know each other better.
> 
> Movies, out to dinner, I wish I could take my wife out more-- just the two of us. But with the kids and lack of babysitting and both of us working, there's no way. Maybe this is the case with you. Maybe that would be your husbands POV also if you asked him.


Baffled, I'm not justifying the affairs, pls scrap that idea. I never justify my affairs because of lack of intimacy. I merely point out that leading to the affairs was a lonely sexless marriage my H subject me to. If he was not selfish, if he would have just left me instead of leading me on, if he would have just give me a straight up answer before we had our daughter "I can't give you what you want, please find someone else that will give you the intimacy a healthy marriages requires", if... if.... if..... Now, it's too late to repair what its done. I lost my feelings for him, and I don't know if I have the right tools to repair what is left our marriage.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

My H and I sat down and talk today. I told him that we needed to go to MC. I told him that our marriage is in trouble, and that I want a divorce if he refuse to go to marriage counseling with me. He look at me with surprise in his eyes, I can see fears and sadness. I told him that I want ansewers for why he withheld sex with me. I also said that I love him and I lost the "in love" feelings I once have for him because of resentments. (As expected, he tried to turn it around one me) According to him, he had built resentment for 2 years (thats why he wouldn't have sex with me) because I am always tired from work, I work too much and that I spend a lot of time at work. Ok, he withheld sex from me for SIX years, and his resentment starts just two years ago, so I don't understand what happen the last four years then. First year of marriage, I was unemployed, second year of marriage I worked part time, third year of marriage I was unemployed again, 4th year when I begin my full time job, and I got pregnant, at 5th year when I got my promotion (He refuse and did not have sex with me for almost 8 straight months after our daughter was born), and I admit I work more hours (40 hours a week) due to new and more responsibilities my new position requires. I just know, there's an underlying reason for his refusal to be intimate, I need and I want answers.


----------



## keko

Torn, seriously? Why are you still asking for something from him without first being honest?


----------



## morituri

Torn, your husband deserves to know the truth about your affair. You do not have a right to manipulate his life via lies of omission.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> Torn, seriously? Why are you still asking for something from him without first being honest?


I am contemplating on leaving him. Maybe divorce him but I don't have the courage to tell him about the affairs yet. I'm not sure, I can do that. Unfortunately, and understandably, most of you will jump on me for this. I can easily say I told him the truth, but I didn't and I wouldn't. I need to clear my mind and totally remove myself from OM before I can be totally honest to my H.


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am contemplating on leaving him. Maybe divorce him but I don't have the courage to tell him about the affairs yet. I'm not sure, I can do that. Unfortunately, and understandably, most of you will jump on me with this, I can easily say I told him the truth, but I didn't and I wouldn't yet. I need to clear my mind and totally remove myself from OM before I can be totally honest to my H.


You know what's going to hurt him more then your affair? You divorcing him without giving the reason for it.


----------



## cantthinkstraight

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am contemplating on leaving him. Maybe divorce him but I don't have the courage to tell him about the affairs yet. I'm not sure, I can do that. Unfortunately, and understandably, most of you will jump on me for this. I can easily say I told him the truth, but I didn't and I wouldn't.


The tit for tatting between you two is a total waste of time and is literally making me ill while reading. Enough. Stop already. 

Not very fair for you to expect openness and honesty from 
him, when you've got 50 lb. spiders in your closet... now is it?




Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *I need to clear my mind and totally remove myself from OM before I can be totally honest to my H.*


Uh-huhhh.

Instead, how about grow a spine and admit to what you've done behind his back?


Trust me... *nothing* will help you "totally remove" yourself from 
your OM like being HONEST with yourself, and the man you took vows with.

You seem to want neither.


----------



## warlock07

keko said:


> Torn, seriously? Why are you still asking for something from him without first being honest?





morituri said:


> Torn, your husband deserves to know the truth about your affair. You do not have a right to manipulate his life via lies of omission.


I am not sure if she should confess without dealing the issues of the marriage first to see if she should stay in the marriage.

The anger and emotions due to affair will distract both of them from actually working on the issues of the marriage. (She will have to work on helping him during this time)

But then, her H will feel utterly betrayed if she confesses 2 months into R about her affair. Messed up situation.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

anonim said:


> still not as bad as cheating. IF people inside of a relationship are unhappy with it they can leave without doing any major harm to each other, and _then_ find someone else to get their needs met. That way they have their integrity intact. they both had that choice, neither one took it. OP *chose* to have an affair, knowing it would do long term/permanent harm. not just in this relationship, but in future ones. That cant really be justified by only being given sex 2x a month. there are better choices than cheating.



Withholding sex or intimacy to one's partners whose still very willing and wants sex is doing a lot of harm to one's self confidence. He lead me on by having a lot of sex with me prior to our marriage. He should not have plan a family with me (getting me pregnant and all) knowing that in order for me to be happy in our marriage, I need the intimacy I deserve. I married him because I thought, we both share that feelings, and he was a fraud after all, he knows that marriage is not just a piece of paper, it involves mortgage, assetts, debts, and kids. I did told him clearly, on the first year of our marriage that I want him, I need him and sex is part of our agreement. Looking back, I should have known. I guess he thought, I would never say anything, and I will stay married regardless. He took advantage of my kindness, he probably believe that me being raise by a conservative mother would prevent me from leaving him.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> That is the wrong way to go about it. It is the same attitude that made you have an affair instead of confronting the issue in a much constructive manner.
> 
> If the OM is your bosses boss boss, how he he get in touch with you? how did you make the first contact ? And what field are you working in? (Medical , retail etc)


At work, it all started at work. Financial institution.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> I am not sure if she should confess without dealing the issues of the marriage first to see if she should stay in the marriage.
> 
> The anger and emotions due to affair will distract both of them from actually working on the issues of the marriage. (She will have to work on helping him during this time)
> 
> But then, her H will feel utterly betrayed if she confesses 2 months into R about her affair. Messed up situation.


My H have to come clean for why he was and is refusing to have sex with me and I will confess if he does. I lost the love I have left for him. He cried today when I told him that I am divorcing him, but I gave him the chance to see an MC before I made up my mind. Now, I see how much I really mean to him, now that I'm almost gone.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Withholding sex or intimacy to one's partners whose still very willing and wants sex is doing a lot of harm to one's self confidence. He lead me on by having a lot of sex with me prior to our marriage. He should not have plan a family with me (getting me pregnant and all) knowing that in order for me to be happy in our marriage, I need the intimacy I deserve. I married him because I thought, we both share that feelings, and he was a fraud after all, he knows that marriage is not just a piece of paper, it involves mortgage, assetts, debts, and kids. I did told him clearly, on the first year of our marriage that I want him, I need him and sex is part of our agreement. Looking back, I should have known. I guess he thought, I would never say anything, and I will stay married regardless. He took advantage of my kindness, he probably believe that me being raise by a conservative mother would prevent me from leaving him.



Now you are feeling entitled to cheat. Wow.180 from your yesterday's attitude. And you are too scared to confess and ruin your good girl image. 

You are dealing this the wrong way.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My H have to come clean for why he was and is refusing to have sex with me and I will confess if he does. I lost the love I have left for him. He cried today when I told him that I am divorcing him, but I gave him the chance to see an MC before I made up my mind. Now, I see how much I really mean to him, now that I'm almost gone.


This is a horrible attitude to have. Don't lose your way. What is your goal now? To justify leaving the marriage?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Now you are feeling entitled to cheat. Wow.180 from your yesterday's attitude. And you are too scared to confess and ruin your good girl image.
> 
> You are dealing this the wrong way.


Warlock, yesterday I was consumed by guilt, today I feel like I was betrayed and defrauded.


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Warlock, yesterday I was consumed by guilt, today I feel like I was betrayed and defrauded.


Yesterday, you seemed remorseful. Today, you seem foggy.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> This is a horrible attitude to have. Don't lose your way. What is your goal now? To justify leaving the marriage?


I'm very mad right now. He should not have subjected me to this or I wouldn't have to deal with what I'm dealing right now. I am young, I loved him, I cared for him, I gave up my life I had in Spain, I left my Mom, my relatives and everything I have tto be with him. This rollercoaster ride had me all confused and is the main reason for my indeciveness. Maybe, by the time I confessed, I wouldn't feel anything but anger.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Warlock, yesterday I was consumed by guilt, today I feel like I was betrayed and defrauded.


He is just as human as you are. He made mistakes just as you did. How are you any better than him?


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I'm very mad right now. He should not have subjected me to this or I wouldn't have to deal with what I'm dealing right now. I am young, I loved him, I cared for him, I gave up my life I had in Spain, I left my Mom, my relatives and everything I have tto be with him. This rollercoaster ride had me all confused and is the main reason for my indeciveness. Maybe, by the time I confessed, I wouldn't feel anything but anger.



Affair guilt often manifests itself as anger at the BS.

Keep in mind, your H did not make you cheat.

THAT was in your choice due to your poor coping skills which caused you to decide that cheating was a solution to your problems.

Now you have bigger problems. All because of your choices though.

Your sex life is an issue and it needs to be dealt with but you added an affair to the mix.

And that CHANGES everything.


----------



## warlock07

Keep in mind, he did not make you cheat.

Just like you did not cause him to withdraw. 

Once you realize that you will get alimony and child custody irrespective of your affair, you are becoming vindictive.

Did you get in contact with the OM again? Cut off contact even if your marriage ends. No decent man will have an affair with a married woman with kids. And if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Warlock, yesterday I was consumed by guilt, today I feel like I was betrayed and defrauded.


Whoa! Put the breaks on halt!!! 

You are the one who betrayed and defrauded your husband. I see your blame shifting here.

Wake up! Why are you looking at yourself as the victim? I don't understand. Your husband didn't cheat on you. You had the option to communicate your issues before you had the affair. You chose not to. You cheated him. 

It's very obvious your husband loves you. He loved you enough not to cheat and betray you.

I hope your husband finds out one way or another. Eventually he will. If not now, with the next man that comes along. I'm sure it will still be fault again. I heard this all with my own cheating ex husband. I was smart and I left. I'm now in a very healthy marriage. My husband is my one and only best friend. I thank God everyday that he is in my life. I can trust my husband with my soul. Neither one of us ever put blame on one another ever. If there are issues, they are immediately delt with like they should be.

Your marriage is destroyed. Not by him, by you. You chose to cheat. Maybe someday you will own up to it, maybe not. 

I truly hope he finds out. He deserves to know the TRUTH!


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> Keep in mind, he did not make you cheat.
> 
> Just like you did not cause him to withdraw.
> 
> Once you realize that you will get alimony and child custody irrespective of your affair, you are becoming vindictive.
> 
> Did you get in contact with the OM again? Cut off contact even if your marriage ends. No decent man will have an affair with a married woman with kids. And if he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you


They have not been married long enough for her to get alimony (spousal support). She also seems to have a good job, so rehabilitative support is our the window. They are likely to get 50/50, or close to that custody. So I don't think this is about money.


----------



## warlock07

My mistake. And look EleGirl, what have you done!!


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> From her posts, she told him about how she is hurt by his rejection long before she started the affair.
> 
> The affair had nothing to do with his refusal to get MC.
> 
> Of course MC will do no good now, after the affair unless she tells him about the affair.
> 
> But if he is not interested in intimacy with her without knowing of the affair, she very well might not want to coninue the marriage. She does have that choice that she can make. And she needs to decide that.


Of course she has the right to divorce.But, just as he should tell her why he has withheld sex(if that is true and I have some doubt), she should tell him she cheated.
That way, when they part ways, each knows what happened and why.
It makes no sense to me to just divorce someone and leave him or her wondering WTF happened.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> I"m not stupid and know that.
> 
> I go with what is presented until an OP's story starts to fall apart.
> 
> 
> I do find this interesting though.. how she might be exaggerating, abusive or emasculating. And yet on threads where women explain that their husbands are being abusive, etc... the men here tell them that they still have to put out because it's their marital obligation.
> 
> So what? Men are not held to this same standard?


This is not a gender issue. If some men said what you claim, it does not represent the view of all men.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> Maybe because she has told him because the basically sex less marriage is hurting her? And maybe because she's told him that she really needs him to do things with her?
> 
> Aren't those reasons enough?


What good will it do to address those issues if the cheating is hidden? If she wants himto invest time and $$ on counseling, shouldn't he be advised as to what she hopes to address.Presumably, her cheating would be tops on the list.


----------



## Acabado

You never told whether he accepted MC!!


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> My mistake. And look EleGirl, what have you done!!


I have not done anything. People go through stages, arriving at the right place mentally is a journey.

Do you really think that she does not have the right to decide is she wants to be in the marriage?

Maybe the best thing for her husband would be if she let him get on with his life.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> I just went through all the pages of this thread to double check.
> 
> Yes she did say that he stopped having sex with her during the first year of the marriage. She later clarified that he does not initiate sex.. she has to beg for it. And they only have it about once every 2 months or about 35 times in 6 years.


Sounds like augs go it right, eh? She made the claim and then modified it." Shifting sands do not a firm foundation make."


----------



## Will_Kane

*My H and I sat down and talk today. I told him that we needed to go to MC. I told him that our marriage is in trouble, and that I want a divorce if he refuse to go to marriage counseling with me. He look at me with surprise in his eyes, I can see fears and sadness. I told him that I want ansewers for why he withheld sex with me. I also said that I love him and I lost the "in love" feelings I once have for him because of resentments. (As expected, he tried to turn it around one me) According to him, he had built resentment for 2 years (thats why he wouldn't have sex with me) because I am always tired from work, I work too much and that I spend a lot of time at work. Ok, he withheld sex from me for SIX years, and his resentment starts just two years ago, so I don't understand what happen the last four years then. First year of marriage, I was unemployed, second year of marriage I worked part time, third year of marriage I was unemployed again, 4th year when I begin my full time job, and I got pregnant, at 5th year when I got my promotion (He refuse and did not have sex with me for almost 8 straight months after our daughter was born), and I admit I work more hours (40 hours a week) due to new and more responsibilities my new position requires. I just know, there's an underlying reason for his refusal to be intimate, I need and I want answers.*

It's good that you finally sat down and faced this issue head on and let your husband know the seriousness of the issue.

Stick to your guns - marriage counseling or divorce. If your husband does not agree to marriage counseling, file for divorce.

Now is not the time to bring up your affair. First, get started with the sex issue, but while you do, refrain from any contact with the other man until you work through this problem. If the other man contacts you, let him know forcefully that you are not interested in him any longer.

You were wrong to have an affair with him, just as he was wrong to have an affair with you. If your marriage fails, you're much better off being single and finding someone new, not going to this other man whose morals are no good. You know what you endured for six years that influenced where you are, what is the other man's excuse for engaging in an affair with a married woman? Were you such a seductress that he couldn't resist you? Or just a man with weak morals?

I know you are angry with your husband, but if you really want to work on your marriage, you have to talk to him calmly about this. You have to let him know that you love him and want to go to marriage counseling to save the marriage. He is likely to be defensive and try to blame you, as he has already done. If you really want to give your marriage one last try, you should tell him that you will be willing to work on improving yourself for him if he is willing to work on improving himself for you. Tell him you both have to meet each other's needs, and that's what you want to work towards. Tell him you want to go to marriage counseling because neither of you is equipped to deal with this and marriage counselors deal with these kinds of issues all the time.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> Something for you to keep in mind. Only about 2% of all affairs last beyond a 2 yr period. Generally the male AP (affair partner) dumps the female when the affair is exposed. For those that last a bit longer, they gnerally end when one of their marriages break up.
> 
> Your chance of a future with your AP is almost zero.
> 
> This guy was no doubt using you. What were the circumstances under which the affair started? Does he have any authority over you at work?
> 
> If you are going to rebuild your marriage you should really look for work with a company where this guy does not work. That way you can be sure of never seeing him again.


Perhaps she was using the OM.


----------



## BigLiam

sinnister said:


> Nobody is defending OP's actions. Nobody.
> 
> And telling the husband is essential. He has a right to know.
> 
> Here is the huge BUT:
> 
> How on earth can some of the posters here minimize the importance of intimacy in a marriage? My wife turned of the tap after marriage too. I went for 18 months (Not exaggerating I counted) without sex. It was the most emotionally grueling time of my life. By far! I'm now in the midst of another almost 12 month dry run and I'm a shell of who I used to be. I will NEVER leave as long as my kids are there. I will NEVER see my little girls part time. That is non negotioable. So, I'm left to suffer in a marriage where I'm not desired.
> 
> If OP is feeling even a fraction of how worthless, unattractive and undeseriable as I feel now, I can EASILY see how she cheated. It takes every ounce of energy I have from day to day to not cheat. I commend those who think it's as simple as just leaving the marriage. In my situation it will never be such a clear cut case and I'm guessing it's the same for OP.
> 
> I'm almost positive those that are making what I consider to be over the top comments have never been in a truly sexless marriage. (over a year with zero, nadda, zilch).
> 
> Take it for what it's worth. It is NOT an excuse for cheating. It is a factor contrubuting to an unhappy marriage. And if he refuses to listen or work on it (as most deniers do), then that is a contributing factor to the dissolution of the marriage. OP just took it to the next step.


Been there. I divorced, but , not until after I discovered the cheating. 
Look , divorce is the honorable option, not cheating.


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> What good will it do to address those issues if the cheating is hidden? If she wants himto invest time and $$ on counseling, shouldn't he be advised as to what she hopes to address.Presumably, her cheating would be tops on the list.


No one has suggested that Torn start counseling and not tell him about her affair. 

As you might recall, she was contemplating telling him about the affair at conseling. Or maybe she will decide to tell him before counseling.


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> Perhaps she was using the OM.


They might have been using each other as well. I'm sure we can come up with all kinds of scenarios.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am contemplating on leaving him. Maybe divorce him but I don't have the courage to tell him about the affairs yet. I'm not sure, I can do that. Unfortunately, and understandably, most of you will jump on me for this. I can easily say I told him the truth, but I didn't and I wouldn't. I need to clear my mind and *totally remove myself from OM before I can be totally honest to my H*.


I thought that you had broken off all contact with the OM. Have you?


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> They might have been using each other as well. I'm sure we can come up with all kinds of scenarios.


Exactly. I seem to recall you alleging the OM was using her. Based on what, her gender?

You also advocated she simply not tell him of the cheating if she intended to divorce. That is dishonest, IMO.


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> Sounds like augs go it right, eh? She made the claim and then modified it." Shifting sands do not a firm foundation make."


The mention of 35 times a year was in post #7. Aug's post was #67. Last time i checked, 7 comes way before 67.

She clarified that in the first post she meant that HE had not initiated sex in 6 years and that he mostly turned down her advances. That is what she meant.. that HE had stopped having sex with her... meaning that he does not initiate, ever or show any interest in sex at all.

If she had made the 35 times comment after Aug's post I'd take as her trying to 'correct' a flaw that she pointed out.



Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> POST #1
> He stop having sex with me during first year of our marriage. He tells me he's tired from work, headache, stressed, etc etc. .





Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> POST #7
> Our sex life is non-existence. *During the 6 years of marriage I can count our sex encounter (35 times more or less). *I am only 28 years old, and he's depriving with something we need to keep our marriage strong. There is nothing wrong with him, he never had any surgery and he is not impotent, although sometimes I wish he is, that way my feelings aren't always hurt whenever he REJECT me in bed.





aug said:


> In the first post:
> POST #67
> 
> If he stop having sex with you 5 years ago, then it's impossible to have a 2 year old daughter.
> 
> Obviously we are only getting one side of the story. I'll bet the husband had a different view.


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> Exactly. I seem to recall you alleging the OM was using her. Based on what, her gender?


My language choice was to point out to her that the affair is not real love. It's a flawed relationship. IMHO, there is an element of both affair partners using each other. They are relationships that will most likely never go anywhere but fill temporary needs of those involved. 

There were others on here who said essentially the same thing. The guy is most likely a player. Did you chasetise them as well for having an opinion that you do not approve of?



BigLiam said:


> You also advocated she simply not tell him of the cheating if she intended to divorce. That is dishonest, IMO.


It's very common for a person who has an affair to not tell their spouse about the affair, especially if the marriage ends. More than 50% of affairs are never found out by betrayed spouses.

There is not one school of thought on how one should handle this. One is the school that we see here the most often in which people are told to tell about the affair and tell everything.

There is the other school of thought that says that the a person should not reveal an affair. They then have two choices. 1) divorce their spouse or 2) never tell but work to fix the marital problems.

People have to make up their own minds how they handle their lives. We here can talk about what we think is helpful. But none of us have the crytal ball and know the exact rigth answer for every situation.

If the OP divorces her husband, she will not be doing it because she had an affair. She will be doing it because he has neglected her for years. She's already told him that... finally.

It's her decision if she decides to tell him about the affair if she divorces him. She's getting different perspectives. That's good...


----------



## cantthinkstraight

EleGirl said:


> It's her decision if she decides to tell him about the affair if she divorces him. She's getting different perspectives. That's good...



She's hiding the truth from him...
His say in it is being robbed by her dishonesty.

If he knew what she's been up to, he could make a decision of his own. 
Seems to me, she doesn't want him to have that power.

Who knows... if she were to tell him the truth, maybe it
would cause him to do the same? Maybe they'd move closer
to an honest decision about their future together... good or bad?


----------



## EleGirl

cantthinkstraight said:


> She's hiding the truth from him...
> His say in it is being robbed by her dishonesty.
> 
> If he knew what she's been up to, he could make a decision of his own.
> Seems to me, she doesn't want him to have that power.
> 
> Who knows... if she were to tell him the truth, maybe it
> would cause him to do the same? Maybe they'd move closer
> to an honest decision about their future together... good or bad?


I don't have a crystal ball. 

In my life I tend to be very upfront and honest about things. That’s me.

There seems to be a general panic here that the OP is not following the obviously desired script of tell her husband NOW, right this very minute. I think that the she has some things to process and will get to the right place.


----------



## warlock07

> I think that the she has some things to process and will get to the right place.


I thought you did not have a crystal ball? Yesterday she was a shameless cheater in her mind, today she thinks she is the only one wronged and abused in this relationship. She is rationalizing that she did no wrong by cheating on her H, or he deserved it. She needs to realize that being a victim does not give her a right to cheat.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

As her name says she is now torn between two men her husband and OM, she said she is in NC for few days, now the frustration of not contacting OM started. It is leading her to rationalize her cheating, Now she told her husband that she is not satisfied in this marriage, In a few days you can see her writing here she banged OM again. She is rationalizing everything to be with OM who is her current priority. Her offering for MC to her husband also don't seems to be genuine, its may be a way to escape from her guilt and continue the A. she is clearly in fog and doing everything wrong.

by a councilor or sex therapy they can overcome their sexual issues but with what she will overcome her infidelity.

First she dont want to tell her husband about her cheating because she was afraid of him D her, now she offered a D and she dont mind getting D but still dont want to reveal her Cheating. She wanted to end it with OM, she dint ended it still with OM may be she is looking for a closure with him in a nice hotel room.


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> I thought you did not have a crystal ball? Yesterday she was a shameless cheater in her mind, today she thinks she is the only one wronged and abused in this relationship. She is rationalizing that she did no wrong by cheating on her H, or he deserved it. She needs to realize that being a victim does not give her a right to cheat.


I don't have a crystal ball. Neither do you.

My comment was that "I think", not "I know".

This is a rollercoaster for the cheater just as it is for the betrayed spouse.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> My language choice was to point out to her that the affair is not real love. It's a flawed relationship. IMHO, there is an element of both affair partners using each other. They are relationships that will most likely never go anywhere but fill temporary needs of those involved.
> 
> There were others on here who said essentially the same thing. The guy is most likely a player. Did you chasetise them as well for having an opinion that you do not approve of?
> 
> 
> 
> It's very common for a person who has an affair to not tell their spouse about the affair, especially if the marriage ends. More than 50% of affairs are never found out by betrayed spouses.
> 
> There is not one school of thought on how one should handle this. One is the school that we see here the most often in which people are told to tell about the affair and tell everything.
> 
> There is the other school of thought that says that the a person should not reveal an affair. They then have two choices. 1) divorce their spouse or 2) never tell but work to fix the marital problems.
> 
> People have to make up their own minds how they handle their lives. We here can talk about what we think is helpful. But none of us have the crytal ball and know the exact rigth answer for every situation.
> 
> If the OP divorces her husband, she will not be doing it because she had an affair. She will be doing it because he has neglected her for years. She's already told him that... finally.
> 
> It's her decision if she decides to tell him about the affair if she divorces him. She's getting different perspectives. That's good...


The fact that it is common, or one school of thought does not make it right. The guy gas a right to know about the cheating regardless of her decision to dvivorce, just as she has a right to know why he was so lacking in sexual desire for her.


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> I don't have a crystal ball.
> 
> In my life I tend to be very upfront and honest about things. That’s me.
> 
> There seems to be a general panic here that the OP is not following the obviously desired script of tell her husband NOW, right this very minute. I think that the she has some things to process and will get to the right place.


I see no panic, just advice. But, she should tell the truth. Isn't that how you lead your life, being honest and upfront?


----------



## BigLiam

I don't beleifve I "chastosed" anyone. I merely voiced an opinion.


----------



## hookares

If you are cheating and don't tell your spouse and end the marriage, it's obvious you think no more of them than you do for the mailman or the cash register operator in a store where you shop.
The betrayed spouse likely knows something is wrong in the marriage , but is misdiagnosing just what the problem is.


----------



## BigLiam

hookares said:


> If you are cheating and don't tell your spouse and end the marriage, it's obvious you think no more of them than you do for the mailman or the dash register operator in a stood where you shop.
> The betrayed spouse likely knows something is wrong in the marriage , but is misdiagnosing just what the problem is.


I agree. It is cruel to merely walk out without telling the truth. This man may have suspicions and those may haunt him.
I have never received the full story from my XW and I am left wondering about certain things , like the inception date, the logistics, who else knew etc. 
That is just not right, IMO.


----------



## DawnD

OP -- have you and your husband ever read the 5 Love Languages? I get the sneaking suspicion that perhaps neither of you is meeting the others needs.

Are you NC with the OM right now?


----------



## Baffled01

hookares said:


> If you are cheating and don't tell your spouse and end the marriage, it's obvious you think no more of them than you do for the mailman or the dash register operator in a stood where you shop.
> The betrayed spouse likely knows something is wrong in the marriage , but is misdiagnosing just what the problem is.


I don't know, sounds to me like the BS has the wool pretty tightly wrapped around his head at this point. If she tells him about affair it will likely make him jealous, then subsequently raise his radar, and maybe even fuel his passion for her too. That's what she wants-- I think.


----------



## crossbar

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *My H have to come clean for why he was and is refusing to have sex with me and I will confess if he does.* I lost the love I have left for him. He cried today when I told him that I am divorcing him, but I gave him the chance to see an MC before I made up my mind. Now, I see how much I really mean to him, now that I'm almost gone.


I think that you are secretly hoping and praying that he tells you that the reason he hasn't been wanting to have sex with you is because he's been cheating on you to ease your own guilt about what you did. In your mind, you could say, "Oh okay, now we're even. Now, we can work on this."

But, what if he opened up to you and told you the reason he's been so detacted is because he's suffering from severe depression (and being a homicide detective could be a very viable truth) and he's now seeing the departments psychologist to work out his isssues. I HIGHLY doubt your going to say, " OH! Okay, but since we're being honest now, I have to tell you that I've been having sex with someone else."

Nah, you would come back on here and say that you didn't tell him because you didn't want to add to his depression or something like that.

And if you do tell him the truth, I see blameshifting on the horizon BIG TIME!


----------



## BigLiam

Baffled01 said:


> I don't know, sounds to me like the BS has the wool pretty tightly wrapped around his head at this point. If she tells him about affair it will likely make him jealous, then subsequently raise his radar, and maybe even fuel his passion for her too. That's what she wants-- I think.




If he is a homocide detective, I think odds are he has picked up on things.
I an as dense as it gets re this( at least i was) and even I sensed something.


----------



## Zanna

Perfect example of what happens when you sympathize with a WS and their "excuses" while they're still in the fog.

Suddenly, they're the victim and it's all their BS's fault again.

Sigh.


----------



## BigLiam

Zanna said:


> Perfect example of what happens when you sympathize with a WS and their "excuses" while they're still in the fog.
> 
> Suddenly, they're the victim and it's all their BS's fault again.
> 
> Sigh.


The thing that amazes me is how her version , while full of holes, was accepted by some.
Her husband is a wonderful, caring guy, physically unimpaired, sexually desirous before marriage and, suddenly , for no reason, abandons sexual intimacy, such that he is an abuser.
He is a homicide detective, but has no clue as to what has transpired, even after his wife tells him she is unhappyand wants a divorce.
One would have a field day cross examining this woman. Notice how she describes the Om in the first post, contrasting him to her husband, despite knowing he is dishonest and has none of the stresses of the husband to contend with. How incredibly obtuse.
Then we get the "husband is an abuser" label, with no thought of challenging her characterization and story,,despite all its holes.
Now, she glomms onto that justification and runs with it. 
Nice.


----------



## anonymouskitty

*GASLIGHTING*foggy as they get Liam, they don't want to hear the truth just some validation


----------



## Beelzebub

you are just justifying your cheating. sorry for your husband.


----------



## BigLiam

anonymouskitty said:


> *GASLIGHTING*foggy as they get Liam, they don't want to hear the truth just some validation


I can only imagine what my XWs said to others and themselves to justify their affairs.
I have bits and pieces. My first wife claimed i was abusive. Only time I got mean was whenI told her what a selfish azzhole she was after discovering the affair(read up on"fundamental attribution error').
Second wife claimed i did not "make her feel special" and , cryptically, told me that "You did something 5 years ago, that bothered her" enough to cheat. U have no idea what it was.
Point is that , ak, you are right. These folks lie to themselves and others.
If I had time, i could pick apart this story way more thoroughly, as i expect many other could.
Do folks really believe that a man who she describes as such a good man, a man who brought her to this country, has been faithful, was desirous of sex, suddenly, for no reason she knows of, decided that he no longer wanted sex? 
Wait a minute, of course, he is a man, an abuser by definition.
The projection that was done to cast this man as abusive was amazing. And, it came from someone advocating that she continue to lie, so long as she was divorcing because"some schools of thought" or its being "common' make it right.
Well, mass murder of Jews and Poles was common at one time. And, there was a "school of thought" that endorsed it. Yeah, I guess it was okay, then.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Its a product of their own rationalization hamsters kicking in. Project BS to be the bad guy then when asked why they stayed in the relationship," but I love him, he's so kind sometimes you know. What about the affair then? Oh that well my husband's a real bastard a piece of work an abuser" typical cheater script


----------



## BigLiam

Definitely a pattern we see a lot.


----------



## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> Her husband is a wonderful, caring guy, physically unimpaired, sexually desirous before marriage and, suddenly , for no reason, abandons sexual intimacy, such that he is an abuser.


There have been countless stories here of men who marry a woman who is caring, loving and very sexual before marriage. Almost as soon as they marry, she some completely stops having sex with her husband.... she just does not need it anymore. It's the only explaination she gives.

Women who do this are abusive of their husband. It's just downright mean.

Do you really think that there are not men who do this same thing?


----------



## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> There have been countless stories here of men who marry a woman who is caring, loving and very sexual before marriage. Almost as soon as they marry, she some completely stops having sex with her husband.... she just does not need it anymore. It's the only explaination she gives.
> 
> Women who do this are abusive of their husband. It's just downright mean.
> 
> Do you really think that there are not men who do this same thing?


Yes, there are a few such stories. But, we only hear the allegedly aggrieved party's version of what took place that may have caused this. I would no more accept their version, un opposed, than i would this woman's. 
And, bear in mind, unlike those people that allege this about their wives, here we are dealing with an admitted cheater, someone who, by definition, is acting without integrity or honesty.
Just look at how she has now flip-flopped on the remorse deal. Does that signify integrity? And, look at how accepting she has been of the advice not to reveal, unless she wants to reconcile. That speaks volumes about her allegiance to the truth.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Please understand that I know and accept that my cheating is wrong and unacceptable, I fully take responsibility for my action. I fear that if my H finds out, he will hurt the OM. By hurt I mean, I'm worried that he will revealed everything in my workplace for revenge or sue the company I work for. Knowing him, he will do exactly that. As bad as it is, I care for the OM, if I don't, I wouldn't have slept with him. Most of you will hate me, but I fall for the OM, If I didn't I wouldn't have contemplate of leaving my H. 

My heart tells me to leave my H, but my mind tells me not too. I feel this way because we have a child together, there's no reason for me to hurt my child and the only reason I am in distressed is because of my child.

I built a lot of resentment to my H because he failed us, he failed me. I am not reasoning for my actions but its the truth.


----------



## TBT

So protecting the OM is more important to you than telling your husband the truth.You choose the man whose values allow him to pursue married women.Says a lot about your own values.Sad for you.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Will_Kane said:


> *My H and I sat down and talk today. I told him that we needed to go to MC. I told him that our marriage is in trouble, and that I want a divorce if he refuse to go to marriage counseling with me. He look at me with surprise in his eyes, I can see fears and sadness. I told him that I want ansewers for why he withheld sex with me. I also said that I love him and I lost the "in love" feelings I once have for him because of resentments. (As expected, he tried to turn it around one me) According to him, he had built resentment for 2 years (thats why he wouldn't have sex with me) because I am always tired from work, I work too much and that I spend a lot of time at work. Ok, he withheld sex from me for SIX years, and his resentment starts just two years ago, so I don't understand what happen the last four years then. First year of marriage, I was unemployed, second year of marriage I worked part time, third year of marriage I was unemployed again, 4th year when I begin my full time job, and I got pregnant, at 5th year when I got my promotion (He refuse and did not have sex with me for almost 8 straight months after our daughter was born), and I admit I work more hours (40 hours a week) due to new and more responsibilities my new position requires. I just know, there's an underlying reason for his refusal to be intimate, I need and I want answers.*
> 
> It's good that you finally sat down and faced this issue head on and let your husband know the seriousness of the issue.
> 
> Stick to your guns - marriage counseling or divorce. If your husband does not agree to marriage counseling, file for divorce.
> 
> Now is not the time to bring up your affair. First, get started with the sex issue, but while you do, refrain from any contact with the other man until you work through this problem. If the other man contacts you, let him know forcefully that you are not interested in him any longer.
> 
> You were wrong to have an affair with him, just as he was wrong to have an affair with you. If your marriage fails, you're much better off being single and finding someone new, not going to this other man whose morals are no good. You know what you endured for six years that influenced where you are, what is the other man's excuse for engaging in an affair with a married woman? Were you such a seductress that he couldn't resist you? Or just a man with weak morals?
> 
> I know you are angry with your husband, but if you really want to work on your marriage, you have to talk to him calmly about this. You have to let him know that you love him and want to go to marriage counseling to save the marriage. He is likely to be defensive and try to blame you, as he has already done. If you really want to give your marriage one last try, you should tell him that you will be willing to work on improving yourself for him if he is willing to work on improving himself for you. Tell him you both have to meet each other's needs, and that's what you want to work towards. Tell him you want to go to marriage counseling because neither of you is equipped to deal with this and marriage counselors deal with these kinds of issues all the time.


Thanks for your advice. It may not seem like it, but I take every advice to heart, especially now that I feel ALONE in this battle. I don't have anybody to tell what I'm going through, not even my H. I can't tell my mom, my friends (Mutual friends of my H), my colleagues from work, I have to do this on my own. I was wrong for choosing to cheat rather than face my H, I fear of whats going to happen. I also hate to see him hurt by this.

Even with all of this, I feel like my cheating made me a stronger person. (It's crazy I know) I now know that if my H cannot and will not fullfill what I'm looking for in a marriage, I can leave. I have many options waiting for me. Unlike before, where he's all I have. 

Today, my H came home early to cooked me dinner. He was super nice to me, I think he's trying to change his attitude towards our marriage. I feel good about it but I also felt bad. After dinner, he clean our bedroom, showered and wanted to have sex with me, well I just can't do it. I'm consumed with guilt and I'm still unsure when I'm going to tell him about the OM. I made a decision to tell him after seeing MC next week, however, I will also give conditions to our marriage. If he can't be with me anymore because of the OM, then were getting a D, if however, he still wants to work it out, then he would have to change his attitude towards our marriage, if Not, I am going to divorce him.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> They have not been married long enough for her to get alimony (spousal support). She also seems to have a good job, so rehabilitative support is our the window. They are likely to get 50/50, or close to that custody. So I don't think this is about money.


Ele, I will be fine without his support. I just want to get the custody of my daughter as I feel like she will have a healthier and happier life with me. My H works night shift hours and is always on call because of the nature of his job. I dont think he can be there for her as much as I can.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> You never told whether he accepted MC!!


He did


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> There have been countless stories here of men who marry a woman who is caring, loving and very sexual before marriage. Almost as soon as they marry, she some completely stops having sex with her husband.... she just does not need it anymore. It's the only explaination she gives.
> 
> Women who do this are abusive of their husband. It's just downright mean.
> 
> Do you really think that there are not men who do this same thing?


Ele, I will be beating the dead horse if I explain to them again and again how much it hurts to be in a marriage where a spouse refuse and reject sex. It is the most frustrating and very hurtful feelings anybody could do to someone they love. I think some people do that out of spite and that is just wrong. Many wouldn't agree, but my cheating is a hurtful and as bad as his rejection of my sexual advances.


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Please understand that I know and accept that my cheating is wrong and unacceptable, I fully take responsibility for my action. *I fear that if my H finds out, he will hurt the OM. By hurt I mean, I'm worried that he will revealed everything in my workplace for revenge or sue the company I work for.* Knowing him, he will do exactly that. As bad as it is, I care for the OM, if I don't, I wouldn't have slept with him. Most of you will hate me, but I fall for the OM, If I didn't I wouldn't have contemplate of leaving my H.
> 
> My heart tells me to leave my H, but my mind tells me not too. I feel this way because we have a child together, there's no reason for me to hurt my child and the only reason I am in distressed is because of my child.
> 
> I built a lot of resentment to my H because he failed us, he failed me. I am not reasoning for my actions but its the truth.


When he does find out, he could still sue or take other form of revenge. There's no time limitations on that.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Ele, I will be fine without his support. I just want to get the custody of my daughter as I feel like she will have a healthier and happier life with me. My H works night shift hours and is always on call because of the nature of his job. I dont think he can be there for her as much as I can.


Torn, My son's father is a doctor. So is worked long hours and was always on call.

We worked out a custody, visitation plan were we shared legal custody 50/50. Then physical custody was 60/40 where I had our son the greater time. I was also flexible with my son's father. If he could not take our son at a scheduled time I was willing to trade for a time when he could. Cooperation is best in this situation. Our plan and flexibility worked fine. We have a great 23 year old son who is going great in college these days. The divorce was hard on him. That was painful to go through with him. But he's doing well now.


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Please understand that I know and accept that my cheating is wrong and unacceptable, I fully take responsibility for my action. I fear that if my H finds out, he will hurt the OM. By hurt I mean, I'm worried that he will revealed everything in my workplace for revenge or sue the company I work for. Knowing him, he will do exactly that. As bad as it is, I care for the OM, if I don't, I wouldn't have slept with him. Most of you will hate me, but I fall for the OM, If I didn't I wouldn't have contemplate of leaving my H.
> 
> My heart tells me to leave my H, but my mind tells me not too. I feel this way because we have a child together, there's no reason for me to hurt my child and the only reason I am in distressed is because of my child.
> 
> I built a lot of resentment to my H because he failed us, he failed me. I am not reasoning for my actions but its the truth.


You are back in contact with the OM aren't you? Did he assure that he will be there for you today?




Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thanks for your advice. It may not seem like it, but I take every advice to heart, especially now that I feel ALONE in this battle. I don't have anybody to tell what I'm going through, not even my H. I can't tell my mom, my friends (Mutual friends of my H), my colleagues from work, I have to do this on my own. I was wrong for choosing to cheat rather than face my H, I fear of whats going to happen. I also hate to see him hurt by this.
> 
> Even with all of this, I feel like my cheating made me a stronger person. (It's crazy I know) I now know that if my H cannot and will not fullfill what I'm looking for in a marriage, I can leave. I have many options waiting for me. Unlike before, where he's all I have.
> 
> Today, my H came home early to cooked me dinner. He was super nice to me, I think he's trying to change his attitude towards our marriage. I feel good about it but I also felt bad. After dinner, he clean our bedroom, showered and wanted to have sex with me, well I just can't do it. I'm consumed with guilt and I'm still unsure when I'm going to tell him about the OM. I made a decision to tell him after seeing MC next week, however, I will also give conditions to our marriage. If he can't be with me anymore because of the OM, then were getting a D, if however, he still wants to work it out, then he would have to change his attitude towards our marriage, if Not, I am going to divorce him.



What a little empowerment did to your attitude. This was the actual you. You forgive your own transgressions very easily and your loyalty is still with the OM. You don't deserve your H or marriage. He will be better off without you..






> I built a lot of resentment to my H because he failed us, he failed me. I am not reasoning for my actions but its the truth.


What about you? Didn't you fail your marriage, your H and your kid too? You have your own justifications, right?


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Even with all of this, I feel like my cheating made me a stronger person. (It's crazy I know) I now know that if my H cannot and will not fullfill what I'm looking for in a marriage, I can leave. I have many options waiting for me. Unlike before, where he's all I have.


This is not strange at all. People often have what is called an exit affair. That’s an affair that rebuilds their emotional self worth and makes it easier to leave their marriage. In many of these cases the WS wayward spouse) ‘accidently’ slips up and gets caught by the BS. At this point the marriage ends because the BS kicks the WS to the curb… or the WS now has been emotionally freed from the BS.


Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Today, my H came home early to cooked me dinner. He was super nice to me, I think he's trying to change his attitude towards our marriage. I feel good about it but I also felt bad. After dinner, he clean our bedroom, showered and wanted to have sex with me, well I just can't do it. I'm consumed with guilt and I'm still unsure when I'm going to tell him about the OM. I made a decision to tell him after seeing MC next week, however, I will also give conditions to our marriage. If he can't be with me anymore because of the OM, then were getting a D, if however, he still wants to work it out, then he would have to change his attitude towards our marriage, if Not, I am going to divorce him.


Do you see that if you had done this before the affair you would have gotten his attention? I know, hind sight is 20/20. It sounds like he does not want to lose you and is now willing to work on things. Sometimes it takes a shock.

The problem you have now is that with your affair you have created a very hard situation. You want to set conditions for a marriage that meets your needs. But he’s going to feel that after your affair you have a lot of nerve making demands. You are going to really need that marriage counselor. 

Sometimes marriage counselors separate the couple for part of the first meeting… they talk to each one separately so that each one can speak up honestly. If your counselor does not suggest this, tell your counselor that you would like to do this. Then in private tell the counselor everything… get it down so that you can cover the basic topics. Ask her help in handling telling your husband about the affair and in working towards a reconciliation in which you both get your needs met and you both feel safe.


----------



## TBT

EleGirl said:


> The problem you have now is that with our affair you have created a very hard situation. You want to set conditions for a marriage that meets your needs. But he’s going to feel that after your affair you have a lot of nerve making demands. You are going to really need that marriage counselor.


This is so true and I hope for her sake the OP fully understands this as she seems to be somewhat still in the fog from OM.At least that's my impression anyway.


----------



## crossbar

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Please understand that I know and accept that my cheating is wrong and unacceptable, I fully take responsibility for my action. I fear that if my H finds out, he will hurt the OM. By hurt I mean, I'm worried that he will revealed everything in my workplace for revenge or sue the company I work for. Knowing him, he will do exactly that. *As bad as it is, I care for the OM, if I don't, I wouldn't have slept with him. Most of you will hate me, but I fall for the OM, If I didn't I wouldn't have contemplate of leaving my H. *
> My heart tells me to leave my H, but my mind tells me not too. I feel this way because we have a child together, there's no reason for me to hurt my child and the only reason I am in distressed is because of my child.
> 
> I built a lot of resentment to my H because he failed us, he failed me. I am not reasoning for my actions but its the truth.


And then what? Run off and live a long happy life with the OM (of course after a peroid of time after the divorce, THEN you would probably let the relationship be known) and be one big happy family? You, the OM and your daughter with your husband being a part time Dad? But that would be cool with you because that would allow long romantic getaway weekends with the OM?

Wake up to reality!!! Less than 10% of couples that get together due to infidelity actually work out for the long haul! Less than 10%!!!! Your relationship with the OM is based on a foundation of lies, betrayal and on the pain of others. Not only for your husband but for your daughter!! She will never get 100% access to her parents anymore. She will be bounced around from home to home...back and forth. 

Plus, the OM is a real winner! Sleeping with a married woman! Yeah, real Prince Charming there.... He has no problem destroying a marriage and a family. He has no morals. He doesn't give a sh*t about your husband, he doesn't give a sh*t about your daughter. The only thing he cares about is what you freely gave him. And so what if your husband goes after the OM and ruins his career. HE SHOULDN'T BE SLEEPING WITH MARRIED WOMEN THAT HE'S A SENIOR OVER!!! OR MARRIED WOMEN PEROID FOR THAT MATTER!!!

If I offended you then I'm sorry, but the truth hurts and I've seen this type of crap time and time again where people think that the OM or the OW is "just a slice of heaven" It's all crap and they never work out. Don't kid yourself. Fact is, if you told him that you were thinking of telling your husband about your realtionship. That douche bag would throw you under the bus and run for the hills.


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## crossbar

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I made a decision to tell him after seeing MC next week, however, I will also give conditions to our marriage. If he can't be with me anymore because of the OM, then were getting a D, if however, he still wants to work it out, then he would have to change his attitude towards our marriage, if Not, I am going to divorce him.


WTF!!!!! You are putting conditions on your marriage AFTER you've been having sex with a douche bag? REALLY?!?!?!

One of those conditions is that if he can't get over the fact that you were with the OM then your getting a divorce? Well, serve him divorce papers now! You don't realize that he is NEVER going to get over the fact that you gave yourself to another man. And to recover from something like that can literally take years and years!!! You have no right to demand that he forgive and forget under the threat of divorce.

He has to change his attitude towards the marriage? Okay, tell him you've been having sex with someone else, you'll see a real quick attitude change.


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## PeaceTrain

I read a lot here, but I hardly post. After reading this thread, I really felt the need to post here. Original Poster, read what stated carefully and please dont get offended. You are seeking thoughtful advice, here it is
1) Beside sex and romance, other aspect of your marriage is good. Your husband seems like a reasonable and easy going person. I am not under estimatng the importance of sex and romance in a marriage, but pointing out that you commited an act what probably the worst act a spouse could do in a marriage beside beating and killing because of lack or no sex and romance.

2) In this forum there are plenty of men and some women are in your situation. Very few committed the act you did. Most tries their best before they part, lot of them keep trying, some accept this type of situation and still stay in the marriage for greater cause. You are among those few who took the worst dangerous path.

3) Your spouse is lot better than other spouses who are not repairable. As soon as you gave ultimatum to him, he changed. He started to care and offered romance and sex. Why didn't you try something like this before? Was this harder than sleeping with other man? Did you go to IC yourself? Did you come to this forum before you cheated and seek advice? I see your problem was a easy fix considering the man you have.

4) What kind of man sleeps with another man's wife? Ask yourself few times. Imagine your married sister got cheated with a single man. See if you can feel it. The single guy who you slept with choose you over millions other single girl? Why? He took advantage of you regardless how good of a guy he will be.

5) Marriage is not a cake walk. It is a commitment to each other. You go thru rough patch. Either it is sex, finance, kids, family etc. Some has it easy, some has it tough. But you try your best, if things still dont work out, you part with dignity. You have not tried at all.

6) You will get what you want. If you want to justify your act and live the romantic life with your new moral-less co-worker or boss, you will have it. No big deal. I dont know how it will turn out years from now, because I am not God. But I do know chances are slim, because the new man of yours will most likely prey on another married or single women while she is with you. This is pretty much guranteed. But again, there is a slim chance, he will be perfect husband for you. So, do what you need to do but after 7

7) Tell your husband the truth. Hold his hand and seek forgiveness first. Dont manipulate him now by insisting him to go to MC. You can do this later if you guys come to good terms and if he is willing to work things out after the full disclosures. 

If you are in love with the other man, fair. Love has no boundary, no control. Pursue your love, but please come clean asap. Based on your postings, I think your husband will handle it in a non distructive way. Please do and loose your unjustified justification for this act.


I am a PeaceTrain.


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## anonymouskitty

99-year-old divorces wife after he discovered 1940s affair - Telegraph

Keeping secrets won't do you any good, not in terms of avoiding the pain and not in terms of having a more mature relationship.


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## Will_Kane

*he clean our bedroom, showered and wanted to have sex with me, well I just can't do it. I'm consumed with guilt and I'm still unsure when I'm going to tell him about the OM. I made a decision to tell him after seeing MC next week, however, I will also give conditions to our marriage. If he can't be with me anymore because of the OM, then were getting a D, if however, he still wants to work it out, then he would have to change his attitude towards our marriage, if Not, I am going to divorce him.*

Your husband seems willing to try. It's too bad you didn't threaten divorce over the lack of sex prior to cheating. Now, you have to get over two hurdles at the same time.

You have the makings of a pretty good plan, but the way you word it, your plan is bound to fail. If you reveal to your husband that you cheated, then give him an ultimatum, you change or I will divorce you, there's a good chance your husband is going to opt for divorce. You have to come across as demanding and apologetic at the same time. You have to apologize to him for the cheating and tell him that you will never do it again. You also have to tell him that the lack of sexual interest on his part is a dealbreaker for you and that you will divorce if he is not willing to work on it.

You have to let him know that you love him. If you really want to give your marriage one last try, you should tell him that you will be willing to work on improving yourself for him if he is willing to work on improving himself for you. Tell him you both have to meet each other's needs, and that's what you want to work towards.

Another problem is that you seem to have lost your sexual desire for your husband. You have told him that he has to change, the lack of sex is a real problem, and now he has offered sex and you refused. He is bound to get frustrated. Throw in telling him that you are having sex with the other man on top of that, and there is no way you are going to save your marriage.

I know that you have built up a lot of resentment and maybe you want your husband to feel the same sting of rejection from being turned down for sex that you have, but he is going to be hurting enough from you disclosing your affair to him. If you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to regain your sexual desire for your husband. I doubt he will want to stay married if you tell him that you had no problem having sex with the other man because he (your husband) wouldn't have sex with you, but now you won't have sex with him (your husband). 

You will be putting your husband in a no-win situation: You will only stay with him if he has sex with you, but you will not have sex with him.

Also, you will not be able to regain your sexual desire for your husband if you stay in contact with the other man and keep him open in your head as an option. I cannot emphasize this enough. You will not be able to go back to your husband if you are infatuated with someone else. Marriage can be hard work, there are chores, taking care of your child, responsibilities. Affairs are easy, there are no chores, no crying babies, no responsibilities, just fun and games and fantasy of what a perfect life you would have together. But you know deep down, if you were to leave your husband for this other man, the other man would have shortcomings as well. One of those shortcomings is that he probably would, at some point, cheat on you.

Maybe you want your marriage to fail, maybe you want to sabotage it because deep down you already have chosen the other man. If so, that is a bad choice. The other man is not a good man. I'm not saying your cheating was justified, but there were extenuating circumstances, you were in a very bad place in your marriage, that influenced you to cheat. What is the other man's excuse for cheating with a married woman? Were you such a seductress that he couldn't resist you? Or just a man with weak morals? If your marriage fails, you're much better off being single and finding someone new, not going to this other man whose morals are no good. 

These are good points from PeaceTrain:

_1) Beside sex and romance, other aspects of your marriage are good.

3) Your spouse is lot better than other spouses who are not repairable. As soon as you gave ultimatum to him, he changed. He started to care and offered romance and sex.

4) *What kind of man sleeps with another man's wife? Ask yourself few times. The single guy who you slept with choose you over millions of other single girls? Why? He took advantage of you.*

5) Marriage is not a cake walk. It is a commitment to each other. You will go thru rough patches. Either it is sex, finance, kids, family, etc. Some have it easy, some have it tough. But you try your best, if things still dont work out, you part with dignity.

6) If you want to live the romantic life with your new moral-less co-worker or boss, you will have it. I dont know how it will turn out years from now, because I am not God. But I do know your chances of staying together for the long term are slim, because *the new man of yours will most likely prey on another married or single woman while he is with you. This is pretty much guranteed. But again, there is a slim chance, he will be perfect husband for you.*_

You are wasting your time trying to save the marriage if you don't change your attitude about some of what you posted here:

*As bad as it is, I care for the OM, if I don't, I wouldn't have slept with him. Most of you will hate me, but I fall for the OM, If I didn't I wouldn't have contemplate of leaving my H.*

Your "fall" for the other man is mostly a fantasy. You don't have the same responsibilities, chores, financial pressures, child-rearing pressures, etc., that you have with your husband. You are infatuated with the other man, you only see his good side, you do not live with him to see his bad side. All you have with him is good times, sex, I love you's, and a fantasy in your head of how much better he will be if you choose him over your husband. It's very unlikely that this would be so. You may be better off without your husband, but you are not better off with the other man.

*My heart tells me to leave my H, but my mind tells me not too. I feel this way because we have a child together, there's no reason for me to hurt my child and the only reason I am in distressed is because of my child.*

*I built a lot of resentment to my H because he failed us, he failed me. I am not reasoning for my actions but its the truth.*

Your husband failed you, AND you failed yourself and him. You BOTH failed. You took vows with your husband, for better or worse. If he was failing you, it was incumbent upon you to make him see the seriousness of the situation, *as you have recently done*. Too bad you couldn't have done that years ago, or at least before you cheated. He failed you, but you didn't correct the situation properly. I know you tried to tell him, but you didn't get across to him just how serious the situation was for you.

Do yourself a favor. Ditch the other man. Open your heart to your husband. Try to forgive him and ask him to forgive you. Put in an honest effort to save your marriage.


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## lordmayhem

I see this is one of the threads that are going to make my blood boil. I'm outtie before I say anything else.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Cheaters open their mouth to cheat, lie and blame shift, how can we expect them to tell the truth when they are in the cloud 9. She is now in the perfect world where herself, OM and daughter live happily for ever. REALLY?

She is having options now so not afraid of D, we know what is her option and how it will work for her in long run, because we have seen many many cases earlier. She may think this as different, every cheater thought same with OM.


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## hookares

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Ele, I will be fine without his support. I just want to get the custody of my daughter as I feel like she will have a healthier and happier life with me. My H works night shift hours and is always on call because of the nature of his job. I dont think he can be there for her as much as I can.


Yeah, let your daughter grow up without the presence of her father and you will end up raising a replica of yourself.
Do you really think that YOU are an example of the "ideal wife"?


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## Beelzebub

YOU ARE A SELFISH PERSON AND VERY DISRESPECTFUL, THE ONLY REASON THAT YOU ARE HERE IS FOR US TO TELL YOU OHHHHH ITS OK THAT YOU CHEATED AND YOU MIGHT DO IT AGAIN. 
IF YOU READ THREADS, EVERYONE ADVICE THAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR HUSBAND AND CUT CONTACT AND EMOTION WITH OTHER MAN. 
BUT NO, YOU ARE HERE TO FIND SOMEONE TO TELL YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
YOU DONT DESERVE YOUR HUSBAND, and YOU DONT DESERVE A CUSTODY OF YOUR BABY, IF YOU CAN TREAT HER FATHER THAT WAY WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE ARE YOU. 
SEX IS NOT A MAJOR PILLAR IN A MARRIEGE, BUT LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING AND RAISING A FAMILY AND FEELING SECURE IS WHAT MARRIAGE ABOUT. RAISING A GOOD MORAL FAMILY IS PART OF BUILDING STRONG COMMUNITY. 
MOST PEOPLE HERE ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH THEIR SEX LIFE AND DONT OPEN THEIR LEGS BECAUSE OF THAT. 
BELIEVE ME YOUR HUSBAND WILL FIND OUT EITHER WAY. 

LETS SAY YOU LEFT YOUR HUSBAND AND LIVED WITH OTHER MAN AND HE TURNED TO BE AFTER A WHILE A PLAYER AND A CHEATER AND ABUSIVE AND REALLY CARED ABOUT SEX WITH YOU, SO WOULD YOU TAKE THAT OVER YOUR LIFE NOW. 

HAVE YOU THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WORKS DANGEROUS JOB AND PUT HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY AND SECURE?

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE YEARS HE SUPPORTED YOU WHILE YOU EVEN DIDNT SPEAK ENGLISH?

DONT TELL YOU SACRIFIED BY MOVING TO THE USA, THAT IS A CHOICE YOU CHOOSED, NO ONE HIT YOU ON FACE TO MOVE HERE. 

YOU ARE THE ABUSIVE ONE, YOU ARE WHO LEFT HER FAMILY and YOUR BABY SHOULD NOT LEAVE HER FAMILY BECAUSE YOU CANT KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, she deserve to be with her father after divorce if that happened.


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## Baffled01

hookares said:


> Yeah, let your daughter grow up without the presence of her father and you will end up raising a replica of yourself.
> Do you really think that YOU are an example of the "ideal wife"?


Children usually pay the highest price in any divorce. Your self-centeredness can may very well cause your child a heap of emotional pain in months/years to come.

From change of heart of I've seen in your posts here, I'm guessing you've seen the OM again, or want to see him and that's why your pushing for divorce so strongly. You seem filled with pride, unremorseful and totally lacking empathy. I've only been on this forum for a few months, but when it comes to cheating wives your situation is SO typical, almost verbatim, to other stories-- it makes my head spin. Chock it up to human behaviour-- I guess.

I happen to be one of those who believes in Karma. But I don't think Karma is meant to punish us. I believe it is an opportunity to learn, to change, and to make amends. If you continue on your present course, you've got some Karma coming and I hope you make the right decisions.


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## anonymouskitty

I think I'll excuse myself from this thread now


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## Goldmember357

another lost soul forever gone


look you need to divorce

once the "love is gone" 

Its not coming back



You do not have a "true love" a "consummate love" that love has three main things (passion, intimacy, commitment) 

Its obvious you do not have commitment and there is likely a lack of passion and only intimacy. It does not exist so its best that you leave because its not coming back and eventually he may cheat also if he hasent and you may cheat again. You see its unhealthy the relationship you are living in. People who act like you can make the love come back are naive (imo) if its gone it wont come back. I have seen so many people divorce after ___ amount of years together and they always say the same thing

"we have had problems for year and ___ cheated but we got over it and problems stopped but started up again"


^^ that is what is always said. 

Basically what i am saying is that their is a chance you can get past this you and your husband but its very very very unlikely that you will ever stay married and truly be happy with one another. In short you two do not have a "true love" you rushed your marriage likely. You also displayed narcissistic behavior among plenty of other things that show character flaws and you used your "stress" and situation to act out something. I will tell you this there are 3 types of people out there when it comes to cheating. Those who will never cheat no mater what, those will cheat they just need the situation and those who will cheat given the chance. You are the person who will cheat given the situation that is right. Its best that you tell him and you two file for divorce and you move on and he moves on and hopefully can find someone who wont cheat on him. But i suspect that like most (will not file for divorce immediately) you will likely hide it or you two will get past it for the time being than divorce years later citing "ongoing problems" as the reason.


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## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> This is not strange at all. People often have what is called an exit affair. That’s an affair that rebuilds their emotional self worth and makes it easier to leave their marriage. In many of these cases the WS wayward spouse) ‘accidently’ slips up and gets caught by the BS. At this point the marriage ends because the BS kicks the WS to the curb… or the WS now has been emotionally freed from the BS.
> 
> Do you see that if you had done this before the affair you would have gotten his attention? I know, hind sight is 20/20. It sounds like he does not want to lose you and is now willing to work on things. Sometimes it takes a shock.
> 
> The problem you have now is that with your affair you have created a very hard situation. You want to set conditions for a marriage that meets your needs. But he’s going to feel that after your affair you have a lot of nerve making demands. You are going to really need that marriage counselor.
> 
> Sometimes marriage counselors separate the couple for part of the first meeting… they talk to each one separately so that each one can speak up honestly. If your counselor does not suggest this, tell your counselor that you would like to do this. Then in private tell the counselor everything… get it down so that you can cover the basic topics. Ask her help in handling telling your husband about the affair and in working towards a reconciliation in which you both get your needs met and you both feel safe.


I do not see how cheating could rebuild one's self worth. It is dishonest and cruel, hardly spmething to take pride in.


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## Goldmember357

Beelzebub said:


> YOU ARE A SELFISH PERSON AND VERY DISRESPECTFUL, THE ONLY REASON THAT YOU ARE HERE IS FOR US TO TELL YOU OHHHHH ITS OK THAT YOU CHEATED AND YOU MIGHT DO IT AGAIN.
> IF YOU READ THREADS, EVERYONE ADVICE THAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR HUSBAND AND CUT CONTACT AND EMOTION WITH OTHER MAN.
> BUT NO, YOU ARE HERE TO FIND SOMEONE TO TELL YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
> YOU DONT DESERVE YOUR HUSBAND, and YOU DONT DESERVE A CUSTODY OF YOUR BABY, IF YOU CAN TREAT HER FATHER THAT WAY WHAT KIND OF EXAMPLE ARE YOU.
> SEX IS NOT A MAJOR PILLAR IN A MARRIEGE, BUT LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING AND RAISING A FAMILY AND FEELING SECURE IS WHAT MARRIAGE ABOUT. RAISING A GOOD MORAL FAMILY IS PART OF BUILDING STRONG COMMUNITY.
> MOST PEOPLE HERE ARE NOT SATISFIED WITH THEIR SEX LIFE AND DONT OPEN THEIR LEGS BECAUSE OF THAT.
> BELIEVE ME YOUR HUSBAND WILL FIND OUT EITHER WAY.
> 
> LETS SAY YOU LEFT YOUR HUSBAND AND LIVED WITH OTHER MAN AND HE TURNED TO BE AFTER A WHILE A PLAYER AND A CHEATER AND ABUSIVE AND REALLY CARED ABOUT SEX WITH YOU, SO WOULD YOU TAKE THAT OVER YOUR LIFE NOW.
> 
> HAVE YOU THOUGHT YOUR HUSBAND WORKS DANGEROUS JOB AND PUT HIS LIFE ON THE LINE FOR YOU TO BE HAPPY AND SECURE?
> 
> HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THE WHOLE YEARS HE SUPPORTED YOU WHILE YOU EVEN DIDNT SPEAK ENGLISH?
> 
> DONT TELL YOU SACRIFIED BY MOVING TO THE USA, THAT IS A CHOICE YOU CHOOSED, NO ONE HIT YOU ON FACE TO MOVE HERE.
> 
> YOU ARE THE ABUSIVE ONE, YOU ARE WHO LEFT HER FAMILY and YOUR BABY SHOULD NOT LEAVE HER FAMILY BECAUSE YOU CANT KEEP YOUR PANTS ON, she deserve to be with her father after divorce if that happened.


:iagree:



BigLiam said:


> I do not see how cheating could rebuild one's self worth. It is dishonest and cruel, hardly spmething to take pride in.


There is no point i try to avoid these threads the world is a sad terrible place and most people are filed with poison. There is no use in trying to use reason or logic with most people they ignore it and continue to dwell in their own poison while spreading it around. Its best that you ignore these threads they do nothing but bring up anger and disgust for most of the human race. A cynical view of the world shows acceptance and of the reality of the world.


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## Zanna

The sad thing is that one day you will regret it all. You talk about how much you care for your daughter but you just blew up her family. She has to grow up in a home without seeing her father everyday.

Sadly, if you pacify a cheater and feel sorry for them, and give even a little credence to their so called reasons, this is what you get -- major blameshifting and " but he hurt me first!"

You have to deal with the infidelity and the cheater's poor coping skills first, and then the marriage problems.

OP, you had the chance to deal with the marriage problems first, and well you blew that big time.

OM, is a loser. Seriously. You're in for a world of hurt.

And with that, I think I'm out too.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

I appreciate all of your input in my situation. I understand that some of you jump on me towards certain issues and decision I am contemplating on doing. I’m glad that I am in here getting bash by some of you. I know I was a bit harsh the way I approach things with my H. I was in despaired, in clouds; I just couldn’t find the answers I’m looking for. I have a very stress full job, coupled that with problem at home and I’m ready to explode. Cheating with my H is the biggest mistake I ever done in my life, mainly because I am about to hurt my H once he finds out. I don’t know how to tell him, maybe that’s why I tried to protect my feelings by telling myself that my H neglects me sexually (which he did and it’s the truth), it gives me the right to hurt him too. It was the wrong attitude to begin with.

I am not justifying my cheating on my H downfall. My affair added more problems to the already deteriorating marriage. Before I cheated, we had problems in our sex life. Sometimes I ask myself,” would I ever cheat if I was sexually satisfied?” I know I wouldn’t. I was faithful for SIX years, considering I don’t get so much sex from him. I wasn’t even tempted, I wore my wedding ring with pride and each time a man would approached me I happily (with smile) replies “I am married”. In hindsight, I wish I never went out with the OM when he ask me out (first time we were alone talking about work), we since became friends and gets really closed to each other. I cheated because I want to feel love again. I feel good being notice by someone so different from my H. The OM is single, good looking, successful, intelligent; I had a very good conversation with him about life in general. I don’t think what we had was lust, I do think we would stay good friends if we didn’t fooled around. I ruined our friendship by cheating on my H and mixing our relationship with pleasure. We used to be just good friends at work and outside work. I regret losing him as a friend and now I’m scared of losing my H, my lover.

For those of who think that I am leaving my H for the OM are mistaken. I haven’t talk or in contact with the OM. He tried to call my cell, send text msgs and called my office, but I ignore his plea. Today, I even go as far as to tell him through letter that I am no longer interested in talking to him and that it’s better for him to stay as far away from me. I also told him that any conversation we are to have from now on would have to be about business and only about business, and that he is nothing to me. (We have to communicate through work email everyday about reports and all work related issues) Some of you suggested to initiate an NC and I did just that, it was hard at first (I was still living in my fantasy the first time I posted here) because I really enjoy the time I had with him. Many of you accurately predict how the OM is going to react in the way I dealt with him. He chased me, called me, he even sends text message saying “Can we have a coffee and talk about this as friends”, and someone said that he would do just that. I avoid him at all cost.

I disagree to someone saying that sex isn’t as important in keeping a healthy marriage relationship. I love my H so much, I was thinking about him all day at work after reading your msgs here (I read your replies today but I couldn’t respond at work) My H is a great guy, and I realized that one thing is missing from us, and that is romance. Like I said, we haven’t been out anywhere with just him and I, or have long conversation, all we talked about is bills, our daughter schedule, his job, my job, my school (in school for masters), it feels like circle every day. I believe that we can salvage our marriage, my H does need to change though and I need to tell him the truth and I will. I am torn between telling him my affair or fixing what needs to be fix in our marriage first, dunno which one first. I will be heartbroken if he chooses to D but I will accept and respect his decision.


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## keko

Softly tell him what happened without going into too much detail, give him a few minutes/hours to think it through. Then he'll come back with question's about it, just answer them as best as you can. If you can show him your honesty and your willingness to salvage the marriage, I don't see why you two can't work it out and have a better marriage. Also after telling him get ready for hysterical bonding, that should greatly boost the lack of romance in your marriage.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> Softly tell him what happened without going into too much detail, give him a few minutes/hours to think it through. Then he'll come back with question's about it, just answer them as best as you can. If you can show him your honesty and your willingness to salvage the marriage, I don't see why you two can't work it out and have a better marriage. Also after telling him get ready for hysterical bonding, that should greatly boost the lack of romance in your marriage.


Keko, someone said that it is better to fix my marriage first before telling him I cheated. I don't know which one to do first. I was thinking that I would tell him about the friendship I developed with OM, and that I had a short affair and ended it because I love him. I think that my H would explode from anger, I dont know I'm really scared. I feel like it's easier to D my H and stop loving him, but I owed it to my daughter to at least try, if my H decides he couldn't do it anymore, then I will be left very heartbroken and it's all my fault for cheating. MC is on Friday after work, after MC, I will tell him everything.


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## keko

I would suggest you have the talk just before MC. This way both of you can express your short-comings and expectations from each other during MC.


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## rrrbbbttt

I really get tired of Cheaters justifying their choices to destroy a marriage.

Prior to having an affair you also have the choice of:

1. MC
2. Divorce

Instead you take the choice of having an affair and justifying it because the sex wasn't to your liking so you used the Nuclear Bomb on the marriage.

Sorry, but from your post you feel you are entitled to the affair.

You made a vow when you married. That vow is a promise.

You first break the vow by divorce, then you can do whatever you want.

Just another entitled cheater, I am not happy so the affair is justified.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

rrrbbbttt said:


> I really get tired of Cheaters justifying their choices to destroy a marriage.
> 
> Prior to having an affair you also have the choice of:
> 
> 1. MC
> 2. Divorce
> 
> Instead you take the choice of having an affair and justifying it because the sex wasn't to your liking so you used the Nuclear Bomb on the marriage.
> 
> Sorry, but from your post you feel you are entitled to the affair.
> 
> You made a vow when you married. That vow is a promise.
> 
> You first break the vow by divorce, then you can do whatever you want.
> 
> Just another entitled cheater, I am not happy so the affair is justified.


Please read my previous posts. I am not and do not justify my affair. I merely said that prior to my affair was a six years of sexually frustrating journey. I cheated with someone who was also a very good friend of mine, I was wrong and I accept my mistakes. My H is a good man, however, I do feel that sex is very vital to our marriage, and unless I am someone who doesn't care for sex. I like sex, I am only 28 years old, I want to experiment, and do things I never did before. My H is my first (met him when I was 19), and I felt like at 28 I never fully experience many things in bed. I feel so naive, my H forgets that I am no longer the 22 years old he married and the 19 year old he dated. I am 28 now, I am turning 30 in two years, I want to experience 3 or 4 times sex a week but I don't even get sex from him 2 months straight sometimes. After I had the baby, he didn't want to have sex with me for 8 straight months. I don't know how could any guy do that.


----------



## Acabado

> someone said that it is better to fix my marriage first before telling him I cheated. I don't know which one to do first


I can't be done, it's pure contradiction. A marriage with this dark secret is not a "fixed" marriage. I should be only in surface. Honesty is sustancial. Secrets of this magnitude affect the thought process, relational activities, attitudes. Even if your husband wakes up and start cleaning his side he couln't get through you because your secret will create walls, barriers to intimacy. He won't know what the hell is wrong, he might suspect, even he might not be able to put his finger on it. Can you imagine seeing your husband making this effort while hiding the truth from him? Imagine you fall in love all over again with him, then - acording this plan - you confess; I can garantee you he will divorce your ass ASAP becuase puting him at MC, basicaly blaming him for the marriage trougles and forcing him to "fix it" only to learn later you were f!cking round... please.

Anyway, not confesing is in the same line of cheating, you still robing him his choices in his life. His free will. Being maniputaled, played by the big puppet master.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Baffled01 said:


> Children usually pay the highest price in any divorce. Your self-centeredness can may very well cause your child a heap of emotional pain in months/years to come.
> 
> From change of heart of I've seen in your posts here, I'm guessing you've seen the OM again, or want to see him and that's why your pushing for divorce so strongly. You seem filled with pride, unremorseful and totally lacking empathy. I've only been on this forum for a few months, but when it comes to cheating wives your situation is SO typical, almost verbatim, to other stories-- it makes my head spin. Chock it up to human behaviour-- I guess.
> 
> I happen to be one of those who believes in Karma. But I don't think Karma is meant to punish us. I believe it is an opportunity to learn, to change, and to make amends. If you continue on your present course, you've got some Karma coming and I hope you make the right decisions.


I'm already paying for it with stressed. My H karma for neglecting me sexually would be my cheating? No? I initiate an NC with OM. I haven't talk to him other than emails about work related issues (CC'd my direct boss with every email so its only business we talked about).


----------



## crossbar

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, *someone said that it is better to fix my marriage first before telling him I cheated. I don't know which one to do first.* I was thinking that I would tell him about the friendship I developed with OM, and that I had a short affair and ended it because I love him. I think that my H would explode from anger, I dont know I'm really scared. I feel like it's easier to D my H and stop loving him, but I owed it to my daughter to at least try, if my H decides he couldn't do it anymore, then I will be left very heartbroken and it's all my fault for cheating. MC is on Friday after work, after MC, I will tell him everything.



Ummmmm....NO. Fix what? Okay, you fix the problem with the communication, the sex, the romance and getting you needs met. Then what? Are you gonna say, "Gee honey, I love how we were able to save our marriage. I love being with my family and I can't wait to come home to you EVERY NIGHT! By the way, I was sleeping with someone else." Everything you just spent time and effort into fixing has been smashed to pieces and you're back to square one. 

Fact is, you won't be able to fix this first. Everytime you see an effort put forth by your husband; the guilt is going to eat at you even more. Every little gesture he does, it's going to cut you deeply. Imagine if you were sitting at your desk at work and a flower delivery comes to drop you off a dozen roses at your desk with a card that says, " Just because it's wednesday Love your husband." And do you know what will probably be going through your head? " I don't deserve these roses." The guilt is going to prohibit any progress.

Think of re-building a marriage as building a house. At the foundation, you see a HUGE crack (your affair) if you don't fix the foundation and try to mask over it with doing other work to the house. Yeah, it might look pretty with a new roof, new tiles, remodeled bathrooms and kitchen and new drywall and paint. AND IT LOOKS GREAT!!! But, sooner or later the house is going to settle a little more and that crack will shift the foudation causing cracks in your paint and drywall, your countertops are going to be unlevel, cracks in the tile...and all that work into making it look good makes the place look terrible. Because the foundation was never addressed and fixed.

Does any of that make any sense?


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

crossbar said:


> Ummmmm....NO. Fix what? Okay, you fix the problem with the communication, the sex, the romance and getting you needs met. Then what? Are you gonna say, "Gee honey, I love how we were able to save our marriage. I love being with my family and I can't wait to come home to you EVERY NIGHT! By the way, I was sleeping with someone else." Everything you just spent time and effort into fixing has been smashed to pieces and you're back to square one.
> 
> Fact is, you won't be able to fix this first. Everytime you see an effort put forth by your husband; the guilt is going to eat at you even more. Every little gesture he does, it's going to cut you deeply. Imagine if you were sitting at your desk at work and a flower delivery comes to drop you off a dozen roses at your desk with a card that says, " Just because it's wednesday Love your husband." And do you know what will probably be going through your head? " I don't deserve these roses." The guilt is going to prohibit any progress.
> 
> Think of re-building a marriage as building a house. At the foundation, you see a HUGE crack (your affair) if you don't fix the foundation and try to mask over it with doing other work to the house. Yeah, it might look pretty with a new roof, new tiles, remodeled bathrooms and kitchen and new drywall and paint. AND IT LOOKS GREAT!!! But, sooner or later the house is going to settle a little more and that crack will shift the foudation causing cracks in your paint and drywall, your countertops are going to be unlevel, cracks in the tile...and all that work into making it look good makes the place look terrible. Because the foundation was never addressed and fixed.
> 
> Does any of that make any sense?


Crossbar, it is a very very good advice thank you. I think that the reason I was feeling very pushy about divorcing my H was because I'm scared to face him, the truth, my affair and the whole dilemma I am about to go through once he finds out. Yesterday, I feel empowered by the idea that I am ready to leave him because I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of telling him. But today (I'm very indicisive, symptoms of after the fact affair) I just miss and love my H. He was so nice to me, he bought me my favorite cake, did grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to do it and called me multiple times at work. I am so consume with guilt again because I have a wonderful man and I failed him.


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## EleGirl

crossbar said:


> WTF!!!!! You are putting conditions on your marriage AFTER you've been having sex with a douche bag? REALLY?!?!?!
> 
> One of those conditions is that if he can't get over the fact that you were with the OM then your getting a divorce? Well, serve him divorce papers now! You don't realize that he is NEVER going to get over the fact that you gave yourself to another man. And to recover from something like that can literally take years and years!!! *You have no right to demand that he forgive and forget under the threat of divorce.*
> He has to change his attitude towards the marriage? Okay, tell him you've been having sex with someone else, you'll see a real quick attitude change.


That's not the type of conditions she's talking about.


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## EleGirl

BigLiam said:


> I do not see how cheating could rebuild one's self worth. It is dishonest and cruel, hardly spmething to take pride in.


Cheating is an exercise of extreme selfishness. When a person is in that frame of mind it makes them feel stronger emotionally. After all when cheating, they have 2 people meeting their needs.. that's why cake eating is so hard to give up. This is something I've noticed.

People often take pride, or self worth, from the wrong things. What makes one person feel self worth might not be what makes another feel it.


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## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, someone said that it is better to fix my marriage first before telling him I cheated. I don't know which one to do first. I was thinking that I would tell him about the friendship I developed with OM, and that I had a short affair and ended it because I love him. I think that my H would explode from anger, I dont know I'm really scared. I feel like it's easier to D my H and stop loving him, but I owed it to my daughter to at least try, if my H decides he couldn't do it anymore, then I will be left very heartbroken and it's all my fault for cheating. MC is on Friday after work, after MC, I will tell him everything.


You have to tell him before you start trying to fix your marriage.

I did tell you to talk about him about your being so hurt about his rejection of you for years.. that you do this before you tell him about the affair. Not sure if this is what you are thinking of. My idea for suggesting this was for you to find out if he was no intereted in fixing your marriage before you reveal your affair. 

You have that answer now. He's interested in fixing the marriage.

Now you have to tell him about your affair before you two start working on fixing your marriage. Image how much more betrayed he will feel after you both work hard to fix things... then you tell him ... oh by the way i cheated on you months ago but waited until we were happier together to tell you. 

You need to tell him either before the counseling session or during it. Once you tell him, you have to allow him time to process it. And you have to allow him to decide if he wants to stay in your marriage or not. This is his choice once he knows about the affair.


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## BigLiam

The honest thing to do would be to tell him regardless of how he feels about fixing the marriage. There has been enough dishonesty already.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> You have to tell him before you start trying to fix your marriage.
> 
> I did tell you to talk about him about your being so hurt about his rejection of you for years.. that you do this before you tell him about the affair. Not sure if this is what you are thinking of. My idea for suggesting this was for you to find out if he was no intereted in fixing your marriage before you reveal your affair..


 I was pertaining to another posts I can't remember who. He/s said that it's a difficult situation to be in due to the nature of my marriage. Before the affair, the core issue was the sex, now it's the affair. It will be hard to for me to bring up the sex issue again without sounding like I justified the affair with the lack of intimacy.


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## BigLiam

Maybe you should hold off for a good long while before trying to address per=affair problems. You wll have your hands full with the cheating alone.


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## warlock07

Atleast address(make him aware of) the issues that you have before you confess the affair. You put yourself in the worst possible situation. And make sure that once you confess and start working on the marriage, your needs are also met(atleast after the initial rollercoaster). The marriage needs work from both ends


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> Cheating is an exercise of extreme selfishness. When a person is in that frame of mind it makes them feel stronger emotionally. After all when cheating, they have 2 people meeting their needs.. that's why cake eating is so hard to give up. This is something I've noticed.
> 
> People often take pride, or self worth, from the wrong things. What makes one person feel self worth might not be what makes another feel it.


Ele, sadly, you're right. My job, my social life, my work and the affair boosts my self esteem as I feel neglected for years (I know, it sounded like I'm justifying again). My H believe that I can do no wrong, he thought that he doesn't have to satisfy me sexualy for I will not go anywhere. When I told him the other day about the problem (5 years ago, first year of our marriage I wrote him a letter similar to what I said in person the other day, except now, he sees I'm serious) that I want a divorce if he can't have sex with me without me begging for it. He was in shocked and in despair. I saw sadness, regrets and remorse. (again, I am not justifying the affair) But if it weren't for the affair, I would not have the courage to tell him about being ready for D. The affair is like a wake up call for me, it made me think about the six years of my life, my marriage and my daughter. The only thing thats keeping me strong in this journey is my daughter, I love her and she's the best thing to ever happen to me.


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## morituri

The affair could have been avoided if you had put your foot down years ago and filed for divorce. That would have woken up your husband about how bad the situation had become and forced him to make a decision to either help resolve the issue with you or to let you go. The affair didn't do anything but make a bad situation worse.


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## crossbar

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Crossbar, it is a very very good advice thank you. I think that the reason I was feeling very pushy about divorcing my H was because I'm scared to face him, the truth, my affair and the whole dilemma I am about to go through once he finds out. Yesterday, I feel empowered by the idea that I am ready to leave him because I wouldn't have to deal with the drama of telling him. But today (I'm very indicisive, symptoms of after the fact affair) I just miss and love my H. *He was so nice to me, he bought me my favorite cake, did grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to do it and called me multiple times at work*. I am so consume with guilt again because I have a wonderful man and I failed him.



Gee, and all it took was to sit down and have a serious, soul searching, slap-in-the-head conversation. "LOOK, I'M NOT HAPPY. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE OR ELSE I'M GONE!!!" And what was the end result? He's helping out around the house, taking the burden off of you, agreeing to going to MC. Communicating with you more. And all it took was to sit down and have a serious talk with him. COMMUNCATE with him. Guys aren't mind reader's.

If you said to me, " Honey, I was wondering of we could make love more often?" 

I might say," Uh..what?...OH Yeah...sure.. no problem." 

That isn't communicating. The serious talk you had WAS COMMUNICATION!!! So, now you see that an affair was totally un-needed and you really can't use the excuse that he never listened to what I want or to what I needed. Because, that serious talk proved that he was capable and willing to work with you if he TRUELY knew how you felt.


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## BigLiam

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Ele, sadly, you're right. My job, my social life, my work and the affair boosts my self esteem as I feel neglected for years (I know, it sounded like I'm justifying again). My H believe that I can do no wrong, he thought that he doesn't have to satisfy me sexualy for I will not go anywhere. When I told him the other day about the problem (5 years ago, first year of our marriage I wrote him a letter similar to what I said in person the other day, except now, he sees I'm serious) that I want a divorce if he can't have sex with me without me begging for it. He was in shocked and in despair. I saw sadness, regrets and remorse. (again, I am not justifying the affair) But if it weren't for the affair, I would not have the courage to tell him about being ready for D. The affair is like a wake up call for me, it made me think about the six years of my life, my marriage and my daughter. The only thing thats keeping me strong in this journey is my daughter, I love her and she's the best thing to ever happen to me.


Yes, but now you have made fixing the marriage so much more difficult. You have a much slimmer chance of remainng married to him now.
I will never understand why people resort to thi vs using other options.


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## Beelzebub

Some of you saying she should have divorced her H years ago before going to cheating
You people come on, some wants the whole package, a husband cover expenses and kids and a playtoy.
Love and romance does not equall banging.
Do you how hard for us men to control our big rinch even when we are even satisfied with sex life in bed, its freaking sooo hard that we consider it a minute by minute work. Some married men here not satisfied with sex life but still have never cheated.


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## BigLiam

EleGirl said:


> Cheating is an exercise of extreme selfishness. When a person is in that frame of mind it makes them feel stronger emotionally. After all when cheating, they have 2 people meeting their needs.. that's why cake eating is so hard to give up. This is something I've noticed.
> 
> People often take pride, or self worth, from the wrong things. What makes one person feel self worth might not be what makes another feel it.


I would imagine, if the person has aconscience, the ego boost is short lived. But, these are cheaters we are dealing with and they may be wired very differently than those with consciences. So, maybe you are right.


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## PeaceTrain

TornBetweenTheTwo-Dear, please dont waste your time anymore in this thread. Forum is good, this forum is very good. But I think ths thread has been completed. You got the message, and we got the message. We are going circle now. Please spend this time figuring out what you want to do next, taking care of the daughter, praying if you are a believer, being nice to your husband if you can. Read my 7 points one more time if you want. That pretty much sum it all.

No point throwing rebuttal to all the posters back and forth. It is not a court, we are not in a hairing. Your life and family is much more important than winning the argument in the forum.

All future posters, please abstain posting further messages unless OP really has something different to discuss or seek advice on. We are helping her otherwise wasting time.

This is PeaceTrain speaking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bugz Bunny

This thread is sad,it's just sad...

You had so many options to save and make your marriage better like MC and a serious talk with divorce threatening if he doesnt work with you on fixing the marriage...But you never really tried to work and save your family before cheating...You did all the right things (threatening D,MC) after you humiliated and disrespected your family...You now see how much your husband loves you and your family and how he is trying to change after your serious talk with him and its just sad to see how you because of a easy fixable problem destroyed your family with your horrible actions... 

Lack of sex is a fixable problem but cheating is for a BS so painful that its compared to the pain that you feel when someone of your family memebers dies....thats something a BS will never forget and will most likely have a lot problems like PTSD,depression,etc...

2-3 years ago I had a patient (women) and she said that she had two miscarriages but that her husbands cheating and betrayal was more painful than the loss of her babies....Its just sad and I feel really sorry for your husband and your little daughter because she is so innocente in all this and will be the one that will most suffer in all of this because of your selfish actions...

And please for once respect your H and tell him the truth because he deserves to know,no one deserves to live a lie,tell him the truth...

Good Luck


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Thank you to all of your sincere advice and honest opinion. I appreciate it with all my heart.

Update:
On Thursday, I was very pressure to tell my husband the truth as the OM is going berserk. He received my letter and went psycho. He called to tell me he loves me and that he would take care of me and my daughter. (I FEEL SICK TO MY STOMACH) He went to follow me to my house (while on my way home from work) I was terrified. As soon as I got home, My husband surprises me with flowers, a kiss, a hug and weekend hotel getaways down the shore all the while the OM is outside my house (in his car) lurking and waiting (He sent texts msgs begging for me to see him). I was TERRIFIED; I was worried of possible altercation between my H and the OM. I never want to put my H in this situation, I never thought OM would turn the way he is (Possessive, jealous and wouldn’t let go)

Fast forward, I went to MC with my H today anyway, I told him all my feelings, my loneliness and that I need him. I also request to have an MC session of my own for 10 Mins to tell the MC that I cheated on my H and that I needed to get this off my chest. He brought us back together in the same room. He left the room and I proceeded to tell my H about my colleague (exec from corporate office) “Don” has been harassing me, following me and begging. I told him that the reason was because I developed an EA affair that ended up into PA. He was in total SHOCKED, his facial expression was unreadable and he asks me “why”, that’s all he said, he couldn’t find words in his mouth, he was just quite. I cried, I hugged him, I begged for forgiveness. I told him that if he wouldn’t be able to accept, I understand, but I also told him that I love him so much.

We went home together, I was terrified, and my heart was pounding. I feel terrible, scared, and sad, I cried my heart out. My tears flown down my cheeks uncontrollably, it just hurt me so much to watch my H devastated. He couldn’t talk to me, so I gave him space and hugged him one more time; he whispers that if he will stay with me it will only be because he believe in god and the sanctity of our vows. 

I don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Thankfully, I don’t have a job to go to on the weekend so I can figure out how my H and I will go about this. I love him and I will tell him everything about the OM. Especially now that I feel like I am being stalked.


Thank you for all of your advice. Although, I feel incredibly sad and lonely, I also freed myself from lies. In my situation, I feel strangely good.


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## bandit.45

Kudos to you for being honest and brave. Its up to your husband now. Tell him the OM is stalking you and call the police if you have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

Well done on telling your husband. Give him some time to process what he was told.

You might want to contact your HR and the police department about the OM. You can never know what he'll do, so deal with him through legal methods ASAP.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> Well done on telling your husband. Give him some time to process what he was told.
> 
> You might want to contact your HR and the police department about the OM. You can never know what he'll do, so deal with him through legal methods ASAP.


I wouldn't want to ruin OM's career, however, if he don't back off, I may have to report him to HR and file a police report. I already save all our corresponding emails, texts message and voicemails (in case he does anything to get me in trouble at work), I am also planning on putting a transfer to another region to be away from his control (So I wouldn't be under his supervision)

Defending on how my H wants to handle the OM, I will give him my full support.


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## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I wouldn't want to ruin OM's career,


Can you have a quick look at your husband, see the state he's in and re-think this part?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

bandit.45 said:


> Kudos to you for being honest and brave. Its up to your husband now. Tell him the OM is stalking you and call the police if you have to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I'll see what will come out of this. Either way, I'll respect my H decision.

Most of my friends (around my age 28) are single, so is the OM who is just a year older. What I felt for the OM was false feelings, I was having a good time with him, bar, restaurant, laughing with friends, I shortly forget that I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a home, a life. 

I'm thinking of directing my H to this website, maybe he'll get an insight during the healing process. I would like so much to help him heal.


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## warlock07

Give time to work out the marriage after the infidelity. But if you are still unhappy and the same problems persist, get a divorce.Your infidelity was related to your unhappiness.


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## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Defending on how my H wants to handle the OM, I will give him my full support.


Not clear on what you mean by the above? Good for you for getting it out and I hope you and your H can find a way to rebuild your marriage.


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## anonymouskitty

If you had done this to begin with, well better late than never.
Sometimes the lure of the exotic makes us forget the magic of what we already have.

Well Good luck with R


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## EleGirl

It was hard but you did it! That's the first step. Take care of your husband. He's going to be in a terrible place for some time. It take years to heal from being cheated on.. 2-5 years. The emotional damage is sever.

The books I suggested that you get and read will help you help both of you. If he's up to it, have him read them with you. And then work on what the books tell you to do.

You are not seeing the other side of the OM. I'm glad to hear you are putting in for a transfer. I hope you get it very soon.


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## aug

Well, I give you credit for telling your husband.


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## anonymouskitty

are you still Tornbetweenthetwo ?


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## PeaceTrain

Kudos for doing the right thing...

Dealing with the OM is not going to be tough, so no worry. What worst could happen? Either way you have to find another job, or the OM needs to quit his job. Get HR involve, if he keeps bothering you.

Make sure you dont start convicting your husband with the argument I did this because of your lack of romance. This is not the time. It is going to be long long road my friend going thru this. But your husband is fundamentally a good person. He was willing to work thru this. Change your login id to something different if you can when you can.

Good luck with everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, someone said that it is better to fix my marriage first before telling him I cheated. I don't know which one to do first. I was thinking that I would tell him about the friendship I developed with OM, and that I had a short affair and ended it because I love him. I think that my H would explode from anger, I dont know I'm really scared. I feel like it's easier to D my H and stop loving him, but I owed it to my daughter to at least try, if my H decides he couldn't do it anymore, then I will be left very heartbroken and it's all my fault for cheating. MC is on Friday after work, after MC, I will tell him everything.


Torn,
(edit}


Good for you and "Don" better stay away before he gets shot by your husband.

And as bad as your situation is you should feel good after telling the truth.

I do hope you guys can work it out.

Your H is really going to need your support now. No 2nd chances Torn!!!

Do the right thing.

HM64


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm glad he knows the truth. It sounds like he wants to work on your marriage. Thank you for telling him.

Good luck.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Now you have to work hard to ease his pain and hold your family together. Do the right things.

For many BS cheating is a deal breaker, I think you will get a second chance,because you confessed it give you much hope rather than him finding out. If he offer you this gift use this to show him how badly you need your family back.


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## bandit.45

Quit your job this week. Doing this will do two things: it will get you out of contact with the OM and it will show your husband you are serious about reconciliation and devoted to his healing. He cannot heal if he thinks the two of you are still in daily contact.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners*. 
The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand. 

*YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT. *
They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible. 

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent? 

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?” 
The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse? 
Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.) 
But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery. 
*So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts: 
What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event. 

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal. 

You can be a positive influence on their recovery. 
Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue. 
Your first mission is to learn.* 

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through 
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time. 
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.” 
Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly. 
*SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS *
*DISBELIEF*: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.) 
*SHOCK*: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives. 
*REALITY*: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help. 
*CONFUSION*: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.) 
*PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS*: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.” 
*CRYING*: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.) 
*SELF-CONTROL*: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial. 
*NEED TO KNOW*: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it. 
Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful. 
*WHY*: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again. 
*INJUSTICE*: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.” 
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?” 
A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.) 
*INADEQUACY*: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more. 
*REPEATING*: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again. 
*IDEALIZING*: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner. 
*FRUSTRATION*: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others. 
*BITTERNESS*: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal. 
*WAITING*: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life. 
*EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT*: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking. 
*TRIGGERS*: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating. 
Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are. 

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again. 
It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time. 

*SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?* 
Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly. 
This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means *NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER. 
*
*GET INTO THERAPY*: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it. 
*APOLOGIZE*: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. 
*REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER*: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them. 
*HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING*: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency. 

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately. 
The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time. 
*SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM*: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again. 
*PHYSICAL CONTACT*: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want. 
*SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME*: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too. 
*LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT:* You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you. 
*HERE’S A GREAT TIP*: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.” 
These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect 
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most 
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components: 
A statement of gratitude. 

An expression of your love. 
An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain. 
An admission that you caused their pain. 
An expression of your sense of shame. 
A promise that it will never happen again 
Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own. 

*SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS? *
*HOPE*: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care 
for others. 
*COMMITMENT*: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life. 
*SEEKING*: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They 
begin exploring new involvements. 
*PEACE*: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future. 
*LIFE OPENS UP*: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy. 
*FORGIVENESS*: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always. 
Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Acabado

He's in shock. When he's ready to talk:
Show him the NC letter
Inform him about OM's fishing attempts and your reaction (hung up), don't delete his texts, calls, etc. You inform him before opening them and delete them in his presence.
Show him your passwords and phone code. Inform him about your whereabouts.
Keep showing him your comitment to the marriage.
Offer full disclosure.
Show him your remorse.

Get two copies "Not just friends", by Shirley Glass. So you can read.
Make no excuses. He already knows how you felt before your went on the wrong path.


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## Acabado

OM is showing his true colors. He didn't respect before you as a marriaed woman. He didn't think in your well being, your family, your daughter. He's still don't.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

I read through some of the threads on here and I realized that many of the posters were the one cheated on and are very loyal people. I am sorry if I was very insensitive for posting of my betrayals and my selfishness, I promise, it wasn’t intentional. 

I brought my daughter to my parents in law, so my H and I can discuss matters at hand. At noon, I thought he still wasn’t ready to talk, but he wasted no time and starts asking question about the affair. He wanted to know more. So I told him everything. He said that he thought something was up because I often mention “don’s” name at home (I didn’t realize how often I talk about OM). He did not talk about divorce at all, so I told him that if he wants to divorce me, I will understand. He screams at me and accused me of pushing for divorce, and then proceeded to asks if I want a divorce. Well, I lost it, I went to sits on his lap, hugged him, and start sobbing and I told him I love him so much, I don’t want a divorce. I told him I was sorry.

At 2 PM, my phone rings, it was the OM and then next thing you know he sent a texts msgs wanting to talk to me. My H grabbed the phone, called him back and told him that I confessed and he would appreciate if he leaves his family alone. I don’t know what the OM says to my H, but my husband was pretty upset after he hangs up the phone. My H says that he will call my work and file a complaint and or sue if the OM doesn’t stop bothering our family. He blamed everything on the OM.
He left for work at 6 PM, took my work phone as he said I won’t need it on the weekend. This is the start of the long journey; I hope that we both make it through this. Thank you for all your advice, I appreciate all of your insight.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> OM is showing his true colors. He didn't respect before you as a marriaed woman. He didn't think in your well being, your family, your daughter. He's still don't.


I'm glad that I came in here. I was in clouds and foggs the first time I posted on here, most of the people who responds broughts clarity in my situation. 

The OM turned out to be possesive and a total nutjob. He wouldn't leave me alone, I think he really thought we share something special and I now know that all of what we shared was false fantasy. My H could easily provide me the fantasy I'm looking for, all I need to do is ask.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

bandit.45 said:


> Quit your job this week. Doing this will do two things: it will get you out of contact with the OM and it will show your husband you are serious about reconciliation and devoted to his healing. He cannot heal if he thinks the two of you are still in daily contact.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I can Bandit. I wish I can.


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## happyman64

Torn,

Thank you for being honest with your husband.

You and your husband have a long road ahead of you.

I hope you are up to it.

Keep being honest with him about everything.

I hope you guys get the help you need and start a new, improved marriage.

HM64

PS
Do not let him off the hook about sex. And make sure he does not let you off the hook for the A. Work your issues out together.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

anonymouskitty said:


> are you still Tornbetweenthetwo ?


I no longer am. How do I change my username?


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## oldmittens

I have been following your thread but I have not posted until now. I just wanted to say that whatever happens to your marriage and you and your husband that you should be proud that you had the courage to confess. Honesty is the only way a marriage works and most people would agree with that but few actually follow through with it and you did and you should be proud of that good luck I hope things work out for you and your husband.


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## morituri

Keep being totally honest with your husband for this will form the foundation of a new trust, and hopefully a new marriage.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> Can you have a quick look at your husband, see the state he's in and re-think this part?


Keko, My H said that if the OM continue to bother me (such as following me home, calling my phone and sending text msgs) he will get a lawyer and sue (OM is exec in the company I work for) I will not stop him from doing that. He's a pretty smart man, (my husband) so I know he wouldn't do anything impulsive and knowing him, he's actions will be calculated. So I know if it gets to the point where he files an RO or sue it will only be in the extreme circumstances.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

oldmittens said:


> I have been following your thread but I have not posted until now. I just wanted to say that whatever happens to your marriage and you and your husband that you should be proud that you had the courage to confess. Honesty is the only way a marriage works and most people would agree with that but few actually follow through with it and you did and you should be proud of that good luck I hope things work out for you and your husband.


Thank you. It was very hard to confessed but it is also a great feeling at the same time. I no longey have hide anything, I no longer feel guilty and I am no longer torn or confused. I now know that my H is the man I want to be with.

To be honest, if I didn't confess my H will soon find out because when I begun ignoring the OM, he went crazy, calls my work, cells, emails, text message. When the OM recieves no response from me, he followed me three days ago to my house and waited outside. I got scared and the only person who can protect me in the type of situation is my H. I told him all that occured, he was furious ofcourse, but I saddenly felt my H protective instinct activated, after telling me that I brought it upon myself, he gave me a pepper spray and bought extra lock for our door.


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## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I wish I can Bandit. I wish I can.


Not an excuse. Start looking for a new one. Do what you can to get out of that company. Can you ask for a transfer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

R will be quite hard on you for months down the line. Brace yourself up for it. It will be a love-hate roller coaster. Some threads here can give you a perspective.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

bandit.45 said:


> Not an excuse. Start looking for a new one. Do what you can to get out of that company. Can you ask for a transfer?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I already posted for a new position to another branch so I don't have to deal or see the OM.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Good luck, I do believe that you do have a shot at saving your marriage.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> R will be quite hard on you for months down the line. Brace yourself up for it. It will be a love-hate roller coaster. Some threads here can give you a perspective.


I am ready for whatever it takes. The thing I am worried about sometimes is what if my H will revenge cheat on me, I don't know what I will do if he does.


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## oldmittens

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thank you. It was very hard to confessed but it is also a great feeling at the same time. I no longey have hide anything, I no longer feel guilty and I am no longer torn or confused. I now know that my H is the man I want to be with.
> 
> To be honest, if I didn't confess my H will soon find out because when I begun ignoring the OM, he went crazy, calls my work, cells, emails, text message. When the OM recieves no response from me, he followed me three days ago to my house and waited outside. I got scared and the only person who can protect me in the type of situation is my H. I told him all that occured, he was furious ofcourse, but I saddenly felt my H protective instinct activated, after telling me that I brought it upon myself, he gave me a pepper spray and bought extra lock for our door.


It's funny how affairs work while you were involved with it the last thing he wanted to do was tell your husband about it but now that you have your biggest problems (The crazy OM) have been solved. The thing to remember that's most important is to talk and be honest with your husband it is the only chance you have for saving your marriage.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am ready for whatever it takes. The thing I am worried about sometimes is what if my H will revenge cheat on me, I don't know what I will do if he does.


For him not being high drive, I bet not.


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## morituri

Torn, when a man truly loves a woman, especially if she is married to another, he will respect her and not take advantage of her marital problems to seduce her. He will pray for her happiness without thinking of his own. Your OM has finally shown his true colors and shown you that he cares only for his selfish drives.


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## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am ready for whatever it takes. The thing I am worried about sometimes is what if my H will revenge cheat on me, I don't know what I will do if he does.


Weren't you doing the same for a couple of months? How can you do something to someone when you cannot accept the same being done to you?

You might have to accept that this is a sh!tty marriage and be prepared to end it. No excuse to revenge cheat. Bring up your concerns in your MC(after a while)


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

morituri said:


> Torn, when a man truly loves a woman, especially if she is married to another, he will respect her and not take advantage of her marital problems to seduce her. He will pray for her happiness without thinking of his own. Your OM has finally shown his true colors and shown you that he cares only for his selfish drives.


Morituri, I realize that I never like the OM, I did like our false relationship at one time because he was available and my H wasn't. I Know it was very low of me to turn to someone rather than tell my H what was wrong, but I do believe that my affair is a learning experience for me. I know I will never cheat again.

When my H and I were busy doing our own thing (work, hang out with work colleague and then work again) my social life revolves around work. I now will include my H in any social events I will attend to at work and if he's unable to go, then I will not go to any social event without him. I am going to be more proactive in my relationship with my H.


----------



## Acabado

You are doing it right, friend. Hopely your husband give you guys a real chance and agrees to MC as he told before DDay.

Don't defend OM in any way, shape or form but make it clear you are the one who failed him. Make no excuses. This is typical for BHs in the early stages, somehow fits better - at en amotional level - thinking of your wife as naive, played by a predator, rather than a wife who selfishly sough romance, emotional and sex intimathy with no regard for him. All the times you complained to him he will soon hit it, albeit would seems them inexcusable nonethe less. He will be right.

There are out there templates of NC letters who state clearly that further attempts of comunication from OM would be considered harrassement, worthy of taking legal measures.

Sadly many people here, both betrayed and waywards had to get restrictions orders agaisnt OM/OW, normally called bunny boilers (remember Fatal attraction?)


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Weren't you doing the same for a couple of months? How can you do something to someone when you cannot accept the same being done to you?
> 
> You might have to accept that this is a sh!tty marriage and be prepared to end it. No excuse to revenge cheat. Bring up your concerns in your MC(after a while)


I will. I don't think my H will do that but you never know. I came in to term that I was selfish, most people are, thats why I cheated in the first place. Someone told me on here to put my shoes on my H shoes, what would I feel. I would probably divorce. You know, there's no point for me to be here if I wasn't completely honest, so forgive me if I spout out some things that are imature. I do listen and change my perspective from time to time. I know that without good advice, I will be lost by now.


----------



## morituri

Torn, before you betrayed your husband, you betrayed yourself. If you never want to find yourself in the same place, never again betray the woman who is you.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

morituri said:


> Torn, before you betrayed your husband, you betrayed yourself. If you never want to find yourself in the same place, never again betray the woman who is you.


I never want to be in this situation again. Affair is exciting at first, (new love, new person, new feeling) but as it gets deeper and deeper, my stressed doubled and my life falls apart.

H just sent a text msgs saying that he couldn't believe I cheated on him.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> You are doing it right, friend. Hopely your husband give you guys a real chance and agrees to MC as he told before DDay.
> 
> Don't defend OM in any way, shape or form but make it clear you are the one who failed him. Make no excuses. This is typical for BHs in the early stages, somehow fits better - at en amotional level - thinking of your wife as naive, played by a predator, rather than a wife who selfishly sough romance, emotional and sex intimathy with no regard for him. All the times you complained to him he will soon hit it, albeit would seems them inexcusable nonethe less. He will be right.
> 
> There are out there templates of NC letters who state clearly that further attempts of comunication from OM would be considered harrassement, worthy of taking legal measures.
> 
> Sadly many people here, both betrayed and waywards had to get restrictions orders agaisnt OM/OW, normally called bunny boilers (remember Fatal attraction?)


Acabado, My H sents text msgs saying that he couldn't believe I cheated on him. He's hurt and depressed. We will go to MC again on Monday after work.


----------



## Paulination

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I love my husband and my daughter but the sparks in my marriage is gone.


This is the most immature damn thing I continuously come across every time I read one of these cheating posts. Ofcourse the "spark" is gone. News flash lady, the spark is gone for him to. It is for all of us in long term marriages because the brain chemistry changes.

The "spark" is replaced by a deep seeded love and admiration that comes from building a life and family with someone. It is infinitley more important and vested than the tickle in your loins when you are with the OM.

But, go ahead and test that. Ruin your life with your husband and daughter, go be with the OM and see how that works out. You'll end up with less than zero and an ex-husband who can now find a women who understands what I just wrote.


----------



## iheartlife

Paulination said:


> News flash lady, the spark is gone for him to. It is for all of us in long term marriages because the brain chemistry changes.


Yes! Do you really think the loyal spouse thinks the marriage is so fab? The difference is their marriage vows MEAN something and they don't feel a need to garner validation like some teenager on the make when the marriage goes south.

If your marriage is in trouble, you have at least 4 choices:

1. Do nothing
2. Seek counseling
3. Divorce
4. Cheat

Exactly how does cheating solve problems in a marriage? Well obviously it doesn't, it just creates more problems. 

It's the coward's way out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thank you. It was very hard to confessed but it is also a great feeling at the same time. I no longey have hide anything, I no longer feel guilty and I am no longer torn or confused.* I now know that my H is the man I want to be with.*
> 
> To be honest, if I didn't confess my H will soon find out because when I begun ignoring the OM, he went crazy, calls my work, cells, emails, text message. When the OM recieves no response from me, he followed me three days ago to my house and waited outside. I got scared and the only person who can protect me in the type of situation is my H. I told him all that occured, he was furious ofcourse, but I saddenly felt my H protective instinct activated, after telling me that I brought it upon myself, he gave me a pepper spray and bought extra lock for our door.



For now. When another life situation hits you, learn from this one and know there are other ways -- talk to wise people (like us  ) for suggestions.


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## warlock07

You were suspicious of his fidelity in your older posts, right? What do you plan to do about it?


----------



## happyman64

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I never want to be in this situation again. Affair is exciting at first, (new love, new person, new feeling) but as it gets deeper and deeper, my stressed doubled and my life falls apart.
> 
> H just sent a text msgs saying that he couldn't believe I cheated on him.


Torn,

How did you respond to his texts???

HM64


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Morituri, I realize that I never like the OM, I did like our false relationship at one time because he was available and my H wasn't. I Know it was very low of me to turn to someone rather than tell my H what was wrong, but I do believe that my affair is a learning experience for me. I know I will never cheat again.
> 
> When my H and I were busy doing our own thing (work, hang out with work colleague and then work again) my social life revolves around work. I now will include my H in any social events I will attend to at work and if he's unable to go, then I will not go to any social event without him. I am going to be more proactive in my relationship with my H.


Yes, see, this is what is meant when two married people are referred to as a "couple". Girl you and your husband are traveling down two parallel roads. You two need to get on the same road together and learn how to actually be married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

Paulination said:


> This is the most immature damn thing I continuously come across every time I read one of these cheating posts. Ofcourse the "spark" is gone. News flash lady, the spark is gone for him to. It is for all of us in long term marriages because the brain chemistry changes.
> 
> The "spark" is replaced by a deep seeded love and admiration that comes from building a life and family with someone. It is infinitley more important and vested than the tickle in your loins when you are with the OM.
> 
> But, go ahead and test that. Ruin your life with your husband and daughter, go be with the OM and see how that works out. You'll end up with less than zero and an ex-husband who can now find a women who understands what I just wrote.


Excellent post. Needs to be repeated.

If you're constantly chasing that new relationship dopamine high then you are a serial monogamist and will never have a deep loving long term relationship.


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## bandit.45

Beowulf said:


> Excellent post. Needs to be repeated.
> 
> If you're constantly chasing that new relationship dopamine high then you are a serial *monogamist* and will never have a deep loving long term relationship.


:scratchhead:


----------



## Baffled01

oldmittens said:


> It's funny how affairs work while you were involved with it the last thing he wanted to do was tell your husband about it but now that you have your biggest problems (The crazy OM) have been solved. The thing to remember that's most important is to talk and be honest with your husband it is the only chance you have for saving your marriage.


The OM is now a stalker. Husband should know about this. Husband should inform her work establishment ASAP as they need to know also. As the OM is exec at her work, he is definetly violating ethics standards and gone beyond even that.


----------



## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I wish I can Bandit. I wish I can.


Hi Torn. Thank God you're out of the fog. How dependent are you on your job? Your situation is quite serious if the OM is the Nutjob your saying. Almost sounds like the movie 'Fatal Attraction.' He wasn't afraid to cross the lines of ethics by dating a marrried employee. He clearly has no respect for your family or the sanctity of marriage. He sees only his needs and his desire for you. So much for the 'Knight in Shining Armor.' 

1.)Inform your workplace management of this exec's behaviour. He is way out of line. If I were you I would quit, and let them know why you are quitting.

2.)If the OM is coming to your house or driving by, the police need to be notified. Your husband should know how to handle this if he is a cop. Make a police report then show the report to your workplace management.

3.) Tell your husband you DON'T want a divorce and are committed to making the marriage work. When you keep saying it's up to him, or you understand if he wants a divorce. He might think you still secretly want the other man and are not committed to him.

This is your opportunity to make amends.


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## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thank you. I'll see what will come out of this. Either way, I'll respect my H decision.
> 
> Most of my friends (around my age 28) are single, so is the OM who is just a year older. What I felt for the OM was false feelings, I was having a good time with him, bar, restaurant, laughing with friends, I shortly forget that I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, a home, a life.
> 
> I'm thinking of directing my H to this website, maybe he'll get an insight during the healing process. I would like so much to help him heal.


Were these friends you and the OM were hanging out with aware that you were married to another man? If so, and if they supported your relationship with the OM, they are 'toxic friends' and NOT allies of your marriage. Consider avoiding them in the future. 

One other thing you will find from hanging out and reading some of the other posts here Torn, is that when a married woman hangs out with single friends at bars and restaurants alot, it always leads to problems in the marriage. You and your husband need to get together and set some ground rules.

Nothing is going to be easy here. Saving your marriage and family is going to take dedication and sacrifice.


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## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> :scratchhead:


A serial monogamist is a person who is with one person up until the time when the new relationship "high" wears off. They are addicted to the dopamine rush and have difficulty transitioning into the comfort level that a long term relationship provides. In chemical speak, they crave dopamine and eschew the oxytocin phase.


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## bandit.45

Beowulf said:


> A serial monogamist is a person who is with one person up until the time when the new relationship "high" wears off. They are addicted to the dopamine rush and have difficulty transitioning into the comfort level that a long term relationship provides. In chemical speak, they crave dopamine and eschew the oxytocin phase.


Ah. Okay. Gotcha. A love addict so to speak.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

As you all know, I am doing everything in my power to fix my marriage: I told my husband everything, went to MC, initiate an NC with the OM and I ask for my husband forgiveness. Everything went well with my husband and I, it seems to me that he loves me so much. Although he hasn’t forgiven me totally, he is always there for me. He says he loves me, our daughter and his family. We made a reservation to go away on the weekend as well (Mini Honeymoon) I am so excited about it.

But the OM did something that got me all confused again. I haven’t seen the OM as I avoid him at all cost, I don’t answer his calls, text and emails. The next thing you know, he purchase a new phone to contact me with, I mistakenly pick up the phone as I wasn’t aware it was him calling. He yelled at me for leaving him in “LIMBO?” I do not understand what he is talking about so I hang up. I felt bad so I texted him this “Please leave me alone, I was never attracted to you, I was lonely and you were available” He replied “ So you don’t want me to text or call you anymore?” I answered “I never intend for “US” to happen, whatever happen between us was a mistake, I never like you, we were never meant to be…… We’re not compatible and you have an ugly personality” his response was “I DON’T GET MAD BECAUSE YOUR just sOMEONE TO FcK, NO ONE CAN REPLACE HER SO DON’T FEEL SPECIAL”…..Wow, where that came from. He would never leave me alone and all of a sudden, I shouldn’t feel special? My last reply was “Please delete my number, I made a mistake for being with you. I never feel special in anyway when I was with you. I have my man back now and his all I ever wanted. In hindsight, what happen between us was a blessing in disguise, now I know that my husband means more to me than ever”.. 

I’m confused, why do I feel like someone slaps me in the face when he said that? Did he say that to hurt me? Does he mean it? I shouldn’t care; I haven’t even talk to him for a long time. I love my husband so much. I think the OM knows that he was there to build up my ego, and now that I’m letting him go, he wants to take it back.


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## loveisforever

It is very typical for him to say that and you feel this. But you made a mistake by answer him. Hang up as soon as you recognize him. Tell your h about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko

You're back to square one. Whenever he calls you again, just hang up on him once you realize its him. Look into getting a restraining order on him ASAP.


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## Acabado

NC, NC, NC, NC, NC
You don't oew OM explanations... anything. Who care what he thinks? You already asked NC. HE won't honr it. He's just fishing, provoking. Just as he showed up at your house. Let's expect he stop the nonsense.
Focus on your marriage.
Did your husband agreed to MC finnaly?

ETA
Inform your husband about OM's call.


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## TBT

Now you're seeing his true colors!


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## morituri

You must tell your husband that the OM contacted you and show him the texts messages. I'm certain that your husband would like to send the OM some choice text messages.


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## Will_Kane

In case you haven't figured it out, other man wants you back.

Also, you hurt the other man. He thought you loved him. Your username is "Torn Between The Two," so I am guessing that he has a good reason for feeling that way. Early on in this thread, didn't he tell you that he would be willing to take care of you and your little girl? Now you dropped him like a hot potato and he is trying to get you back. He probably has believed that you were being forced to reconcile by your husband, that's why he bought you another phone (I don't quite understand how you got the new phone that he bought you - was it a work phone?) So, when you just texted him that you never cared about him, he was hurt and he lashed out at you to hurt you back.

It is a very bad sign that you felt like you've been slapped in the face by the other man for him lashing out at you. It shows you still care what he thinks.

Don't engage the other man in any more communication of any kind. If he contacts you again, report him to human resources and see if you can file harassment charges against him. Consider getting a lawyer to send him a no contact letter.

Let your husband know what has gone on. If he finds out from the other man or someone who the other man told, it could be a big problem.


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## aug

I think the OM brought another phone so he could use it to call. The new phone number was not recognized.


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## Acabado

OM needs a proper NC letter worded in a way it permits to file harrasment charges and obtain a RO in the future. There're templates out there.


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## bandit.45

The great Circle of Dumbassedness...turns and turns and turns....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beowulf

bandit.45 said:


> The great Circle of Dumbassedness...turns and turns and turns....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Might steal that one too Bandit. You're on a roll.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

I would like to thank everyone for giving me thoughtful advice, I know that I am running in circles, but I have nowhere to go. I am so ashamed to tell my family and friends about my marital problems and I am embarrassed to declare I had an affair. I’m lucky to have found this place, without your good and honest opinion, I don’t know what would happen to my life.

In person, I am very extroverted, energetic, I have lots of friends and I adapt easily to my surrounding. Although, I can sometimes be very naïve, I have a very good intuition about people I interact with most of the time. However, knowing all this about myself, I realize I don’t fully know ME. I am weak, I can easily be lost and I am depressed. I have been depressed for a long time. I thought it was just because of my job, but now I know it was because I been lonely. People who know me from work, acquaintance, friends and relatives will never know I am depressed because I’ve always been jolly around them. I can hide my feelings easily around people. The problem I am facing is I give a crap about what other people think and not what I feel. I worry about what they would say behind my back rather than face them and say “Hey, this is what is happening to me”. I can’t do that.

I try to fight for my family and my husband but I feel like I am losing the battle. I am so scared to lose my husband for I am so afraid for what is waiting for me. But the feeling is GONE. As soon as the OM contacted me, I am lost again. Yes I am in circle; I hope I’ll find the end of this. I sometimes want to kill myself, if it weren’t for my daughter and for my belief in higher power, I would have just taken 10 sleeping pills and never wake up again.


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## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am so scared to lose my husband for I am so afraid for what is waiting for me. But the feeling is GONE. As soon as the OM contacted me, I am lost again. Yes I am in circle; I hope I’ll find the end of this.


What does this mean? You want to see the OM again? It's not very clear.


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## bandit.45

You need to report the OM to H.R. F*ck his career. He's trying to destroy your family! And now he's got you emotionally hooked again. My God you are the weakest person I have ever encountered on this board!

Tell your husband he called!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

TBT said:


> What does this mean? You want to see the OM again? It's not very clear.


I would NEVER see the OM again. I am just very sad for everything I did. I left the OM heartbroken, I also hurt my husband terribly. I am just a vile person for hurting both of them. I apologize for not being very clear, I been drinking as I type.


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## keko

Send the NC letter certified and keep a record of it. If he breaks it, find a lawyer and pursue legal channels to get him away from your family.

Why haven't you still reported him to his workplace? He not only ruined your life but your husband and daughter's as well. Don't let him get away easily.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

bandit.45 said:


> You need to report the OM to H.R. F*ck his career. He's trying to destroy your family! And now he's got you emotionally hooked again. My God you are the weakest person I have ever encountered on this board!
> 
> Tell your husband he called!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit, I worry about my career as well if the truth be known in my workplace. It is prohibited to fraternatize in my line of job, affairs is considered as such.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I sent an NC letter today. It felt like I am going to explode as I write the letter. I told him I never feel anything for him, I never love or care and that I used him because I am lonely. ofcourse it's a lie. I fell in love with him and I am sad to come into realization that I've love someone other than my husband. Some of you are probably tired of me for my constant change in course, but it's only been two weeks since I ended the affair and a week when I told my husband about the affair.


*No!* Lying will *not* help. If he knows it is a lie, he will think your husband made you lie.

The truth: "I loved you, but I love my husband more. Being with you is hurting my husband and that hurts me. I am sorry that I have hurt you, but I love my family more. This has to be goodbye. Please don't contact me any more." Would be better, IMO.


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## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I would NEVER see the OM again. I am just very sad for everything I did. I left the OM heartbroken, I also hurt my husband terribly. I am just a vile person for hurting both of them. I apologize for not being very clear, I been drinking as I type.


The OM went into it with his eyes wide open,fully aware he was chasing another man's wife and taking part in tearing your family apart.He didn't give a care for how it would affect your daughter let alone your H.Time for you to take the blinders off and seriously question why you would value a man like that.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I would NEVER see the OM again. I am just very sad for everything I did. I left the OM heartbroken, I also hurt my husband terribly. I am just a vile person for hurting both of them. I apologize for not being very clear, I been drinking as I type.


You are NOT a vile person. Weak? Yes. Foolish? Yes! Vile? No!


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## happyman64

Torn

Wait til you really go no contact.

Then you wil realize that your affair was all a fantasy and what you feel for the OM is not really love.

Then you are going to wake up and fully realize the damage you have done to your husband, marriage and family.

Get ready to hit rock bottom. You are well on your way.....

Then there is a good chance you will really be alone.

I hope you wise up, really go NC and get your act together before you do permanent damage not only toeveryone else but yourself.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

OM didn't gave a **** about your well being, nor your daughter's. He was as selfish as you. There's no doubt about it. Try find a culture/country/.... in which a man messing with married women are not despised.


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Bandit, I worry about my career as well if the truth be known in my workplace. It is prohibited to fraternatize in my line of job, affairs is considered as such.


Im sorry, but losing your job is a penalty you may have to accept for the crime you committed against your husband and marriage. You had your dance now its time to pay the band.


----------



## aug

TBT said:


> The OM went into it with his eyes wide open,fully aware he was chasing another man's wife and taking part in tearing your family apart.He didn't give a care for how it would affect your daughter let alone your H.*Time for you to take the blinders off and seriously question why you would value a man like that*.



It takes two to tango. I would think OP and OM's values are similar in this matter.


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## TBT

aug said:


> It takes two to tango. I would think OP and OM's values are similar in this matter.


Oh I agree,but intellectually she doesn't seem to assess him with the same negativity she views herself.Imo she's blinded by her emotions when it comes to OM,when she would be better served using her head.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I sent an NC letter today. It felt like I am going to explode as I write the letter. I told him I never feel anything for him, I never love or care and that I used him because I am lonely. ofcourse it's a lie. I fell in love with him and I am sad to come into realization that I've love someone other than my husband. Some of you are probably tired of me for my constant change in course, but it's only been two weeks since I ended the affair and a week when I told my husband about the affair.


It's too bad you sent that NC letter. Those were the wrong words to use.

You need to stop talking about your feelings for him. Stop saying that you did or did not care for him or love him. Do not say that you used him. 

A no contact letter should talk about how you hurt your spouse, not concentrait on your affair partner and your affair relationship. Did you include your husband in sending this NC letter? He needs to be the one who sends it out. Part of this process is so that your husband can see that you giving up the affair.. so he needs to see the letter.

Here is a sample no contact letter that has the correct emphasis. I suggest that you take this letter, tell your husband about the contact you have had with the OM and then you and your husband send this off.

I would add a paragraph that states something like " I have repeatedly asked you to not contact me any futher. Yet you presist in contacting me. If you make any contact again my husband and I will get a restraining order against you.

--------------------------------------------
Dear [put name here],

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves. 


Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

[name here] 

No Contact Letter


----------



## Will_Kane

As long as the other man is in your head, you will not be able to focus on your marriage and your husband.

The other man is not a good person. That is not to say that he is totally evil, or that you didn't hurt him. But he is by far the most to blame for his own personal situation, not you. He pursued and had an affair with a woman who was married. This is not what a good man does. Even if things don't work out with your husband, going back to the other man would be a huge mistake. If things don't work out with your husband, you would be far better off alone than with the other man.

As far as the other man goes, you may feel that you were no better than him, so if he is not a good man, you are not a good woman. You, however, had extenuating circumstances which influenced you, made you weak, put you in a vulnerable mental state; other man had no such excuse.

Also, you will not be able to fully regain your love for your husband if you stay in contact with the other man and keep him open in your head as an option. I cannot emphasize this enough. You will not be able to go back to your husband if you are infatuated with someone else. *Marriage can be hard work, there are chores, taking care of your child, responsibilities. Affairs are easy, there are no chores, no crying babies, no responsibilities, just fun and games and fantasy of what a perfect life you would have together.* But you know deep down, if you were to leave your husband for this other man, the other man would have shortcomings as well. One of those shortcomings is that he probably would, at some point, cheat on you.

Maybe you want your marriage to fail, maybe you want to sabotage it because deep down you already have chosen the other man. If so, that is a bad choice. The other man is not a good man. I'm not saying your cheating was justified, but there were extenuating circumstances, you were in a very bad place in your marriage, that influenced you to cheat. What is the other man's excuse for cheating with a married woman? Were you such a seductress that he couldn't resist you? Or just a man with weak morals? If your marriage fails, you're much better off being single and finding someone new, not going to this other man whose morals are no good. 

These are good points from PeaceTrain:

1) Beside sex and romance, other aspects of your marriage are good.

3) Your spouse is lot better than other spouses who are not repairable. As soon as you gave ultimatum to him, he changed. He started to care and offered romance and sex.

4) *What kind of man sleeps with another man's wife? Ask yourself few times. The single guy who you slept with choose you over millions of other single girls? Why? He took advantage of you.*

5) Marriage is not a cake walk. It is a commitment to each other. You will go thru rough patches. Either it is sex, finance, kids, family, etc. Some have it easy, some have it tough. But you try your best, if things still dont work out, you part with dignity.

6) If you want to live the romantic life with your new moral-less co-worker or boss, you will have it. I dont know how it will turn out years from now, because I am not God. But I do know your chances of staying together for the long term are slim, because the new man of yours will most likely prey on another married or single woman while he is with you. This is pretty much guranteed. But again, there is a slim chance, he will be perfect husband for you.

You are wasting your time trying to save the marriage if you don't change your attitude about some of what you posted here:

Your falling for the other man is mostly a fantasy. You don't have the same responsibilities, chores, financial pressures, child-rearing pressures, etc., that you have with your husband. You are infatuated with the other man, you only see his good side, you do not live with him to see his bad side. All you have with him is good times, sex, I love you's, and a fantasy in your head of how much better he will be if you choose him over your husband. It's very unlikely that this would be so. You may be better off without your husband, but you are not better off with the other man.

You took vows with your husband, for better or worse. If he was failing you, it was incumbent upon you to make him see the seriousness of the situation, as you have recently done. Too bad you couldn't have done that years ago, or at least before you cheated. He failed you, but you didn't correct the situation properly. I know you tried to tell him, but you didn't get across to him just how serious the situation was for you.

Do yourself a favor. Ditch the other man. Open your heart to your husband. Try to forgive him and ask him to forgive you. Put in an honest effort to save your marriage.


----------



## Shaggy

Your husband needs to contact HR and report the affair. 

plain and simple. I know the threat of loosing your job is hard and scary to you. Think about the loss of his lover, partner, confidant, and friend by your husband.

He's lost a lot more than a job.

You say you want to be with your husband and be a good person. Yet, the only one who's has had any consequences from your affair is your husband.

You got the attention and sex.

He got the heart break and pain.

OM got the drama and sex. He got you.

It's time for both you and the OM to face up to the real life consequences of your chosen actions.

Go to HR and report the affair. You likely won't be fired, especially if you are the one to come clean.

It will have the immediate affect of taking the OM, his position, and continued contact off the table.

It will show your husband and you that you are putting your future and your trust in his hands. It will show you that you choose him. It will also show him you are truly remorseful and a grown up who takes responsibility for your actions. It will show your husband you are working at being worthy of being married to him.


----------



## Beowulf

Shaggy said:


> Your husband needs to contact HR and report the affair.
> 
> plain and simple. I know the threat of loosing your job is hard and scary to you. Think about the loss of his lover, partner, confidant, and friend by your husband.
> 
> He's lost a lot more than a job.
> 
> You say you want to be with your husband and be a good person. Yet, the only one who's has had any consequences from your affair is your husband.
> 
> You got the attention and sex.
> 
> He got the heart break and pain.
> 
> OM got the drama and sex. He got you.
> 
> It's time for both you and the OM to face up to the real life consequences of your chosen actions.
> 
> Go to HR and report the affair. You likely won't be fired, especially if you are the one to come clean.
> 
> It will have the immediate affect of taking the OM, his position, and continued contact off the table.
> 
> It will show your husband and you that you are putting your future and your trust in his hands. It will show you that you choose him. It will also show him you are truly remorseful and a grown up who takes responsibility for your actions. It will show your husband you are working at being worthy of being married to him.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

happyman64 said:


> Torn
> 
> Wait til you really go no contact.
> 
> Then you wil realize that your affair was all a fantasy and what you feel for the OM is not really love.
> 
> Then you are going to wake up and fully realize the damage you have done to your husband, marriage and family.
> 
> Get ready to hit rock bottom. You are well on your way.....
> 
> Then there is a good chance you will really be alone.
> 
> I hope you wise up, really go NC and get your act together before you do permanent damage not only toeveryone else but yourself.
> 
> HM64
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. You’re absolutely right. I haven’t really felt the effect of my turpitude as my husband is fully supportive of me, he didn’t leave me even after I told him I was unfaithful. My Husband loves me more than anything. He told me so.

I sometimes question my sanity. Three days ago, I was very happy to finally release my guilt and secrets, but now I don’t know anymore. I love my family, my husband and my daughter, but I can’t stop thinking of the OM. I know many, if not all of you will give me a hard time for this, but this is what I feel. I can’t change it; my heart is a wreck right now. I am lost. I hope I can end this today.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Thank you. You’re absolutely right. I haven’t really felt the effect of my turpitude as my husband is fully supportive of me, he didn’t leave me even after I told him I was unfaithful. My Husband loves me more than anything. He told me so.
> 
> I sometimes question my sanity. Three days ago, I was very happy to finally release my guilt and secrets, but now I don’t know anymore. I love my family, my husband and my daughter, but I can’t stop thinking of the OM. I know many, if not all of you will give me a hard time for this, but this is what I feel. I can’t change it; my heart is a wreck right now. I am lost. I hope I can end this today.


You can stop thinking of the OM. There is a way to do this. Every time you start to thing of him.. stop. Just stop thinking of him and change your thoughts to thinking of your husband's face and hurt when you told him of the affair. Then think of the way your husband has been loving and supportive since the affar.

Do this every time you start to think of the OM. 

This exercise will help you eventually associate the OM with hurt. And then thinking of how good your husband has been will help you to start associating your husband with good things.

Over time this will train your brain to not think of the OM.

As a BS, I did something similiar to this to stop me from experiencing the videos that kept playing in my head of my husband with other women... but instead of changing my thoughts to think of my husband I changed them to think of times in my life that were good.. things that made me feel strong and happy.


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I hope I can end this today.


Hope you don't mean this in a harmful way.Please take care.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> Your husband needs to contact HR and report the affair.
> 
> plain and simple. I know the threat of loosing your job is hard and scary to you. Think about the loss of his lover, partner, confidant, and friend by your husband.
> 
> He's lost a lot more than a job.
> 
> You say you want to be with your husband and be a good person. Yet, the only one who's has had any consequences from your affair is your husband.
> 
> You got the attention and sex.
> 
> He got the heart break and pain.
> 
> OM got the drama and sex. He got you.
> 
> It's time for both you and the OM to face up to the real life consequences of your chosen actions.
> 
> Go to HR and report the affair. You likely won't be fired, especially if you are the one to come clean.
> 
> It will have the immediate affect of taking the OM, his position, and continued contact off the table.
> 
> It will show your husband and you that you are putting your future and your trust in his hands. It will show you that you choose him. It will also show him you are truly remorseful and a grown up who takes responsibility for your actions. It will show your husband you are working at being worthy of being married to him.


I receive a letter from the OM today. He accepted a job from another company. According to him, he wants my life less complicated. I am more confused than ever. Why is he doing this? 


I know many of you are saying that he (the OM) is evil but evil he is not. I was friends with him before the affair begun. He is the nicest person one will ever know and NO, I am not glorifying him or the affair. I am simply saying that it’s not the OM fault. It was I who could have stop everything from the beginning.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I receive a letter from the OM today. He accepted a job from another company. According to him, he wants my life less complicated. I am more confused than ever. Why is he doing this?
> 
> 
> I know many of you are saying that he (the OM) is evil but evil he is not. I was friends with him before the affair begun. He is the nicest person one will ever know and NO, I am not glorifying him or the affair. I am simply saying that it’s not the OM fault. It was I who could have stop everything from the beginning.


Well he sounds like a smart man. He knows that what he did was against company policy. He knows that his career could be ruined because of the affair. 

I can see how this went down. Some superior of his knew about the affair. He was adviced to find another job BEFORE you filed sexual harrassment law suit. If you, pressured by your husband, filed a sexual harrassment law suit then he would never be able to find a decent job again.

He put the company and himself in harms way. So this saves his butt and the company.

He was probably also told to send you a letter/email/something to tell you that he has left the company.

I guess you can stay at your job now.


----------



## morituri

Did you show the letter to your husband?


----------



## Complexity

I think your husband wrongly rug swept the affair hence your mind has shifted from helping him heal to the OM.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I receive a letter from the OM today. He accepted a job from another company. According to him, he wants my life less complicated. I am more confused than ever. Why is he doing this?
> 
> 
> I know many of you are saying that he (the OM) is evil but evil he is not. I was friends with him before the affair begun. He is the nicest person one will ever know and NO, I am not glorifying him or the affair. I am simply saying that it’s not the OM fault. It was I who could have stop everything from the beginning.


Sorry, but this is 100% false.

Good people don't choose to cheat. And when they find themselves in such bad situation they take the high road and work their tail off to fix things,

Your OM is a cheat, a liar, a home wrecker, and a pathetic looser who couldn't fnd a single and available woman who wanted to be with him. He is a trash bag who clung onto you.

And all it cost you to be with him is the mile wife scar your husband i will carry until his last day. The OM will carry the knowledge that he was able to get you to cheat.

So don't defend your OMas a good nice guy, it is simply entirely a lie.

Want to know who actually is a good guy? Your husband. He didn't cheat. In fact right now many of his friends a likely suggesting that he even the score with you and have his own affair. At your age there are many women likely ready and eager to jump him after you threw him away. Yet, he is being a great husband and trying to forgive you and your selfish abuse.

Do you think your precious OM would be with you in this situation? Do you think he would stand by the one person on earth he trusted the most and then stabbed him in the back and smiled while doing it?

Nope. The OM would be saving his own boney butt and throwing you into the street.

Time to really recognize the amazing husband you've destroyed.

Go to HR tomorrow, hopefully you an help stop any nice severance check the scumbag OM is hoping to score.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Oh, and getting and reading a letter from the OM is not NC.

You should have burned or shredded r deleted it immediately without reading it, and then told your husband on the way to HR.

If it seems like i am coming down on you, I am. You are not in NC, you are spending your time worrying about and protecting the OM. You are giving your husband a false R at the moment because you are still in the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> You can stop thinking of the OM. There is a way to do this. Every time you start to thing of him.. stop. Just stop thinking of him and change your thoughts to thinking of your husband's face and hurt when you told him of the affair. Then think of the way your husband has been loving and supportive since the affar.
> 
> Do this every time you start to think of the OM.
> 
> This exercise will help you eventually associate the OM with hurt. And then thinking of how good your husband has been will help you to start associating your husband with good things.
> 
> Over time this will train your brain to not think of the OM.
> 
> As a BS, I did something similiar to this to stop me from experiencing the videos that kept playing in my head of my husband with other women... but instead of changing my thoughts to think of my husband I changed them to think of times in my life that were good.. things that made me feel strong and happy.


My Husband is the nicest person on earth. Even after I confessed, after the initial shocked, he was very supported of my feelings. My husband went to MC with me, he booked a hotel for next weekend and change his demeanor towards our marriage: more loving, caring, hugs, kissess, letters and sweet text messages.


My husband niceness made me even crazier, as I feel as though, I am evil the person for betraying him. He is just the perfect guy right now. I dont deserve him.

I feel I need space from both the OM and my husband. They’re both confusing me.


----------



## warlock07

The OM is playing the martyr to gain your feelings back. And it is working. ("I will let you go and change the job if it will make you happy, ok? ") This subtle manipulation(even if it is intentional or not.). The OM is doing a 180 on you and it is working.

A good man will never solicit and have an affair with a married woman with kids in the first place. He is not nice. He just took advantage of the situation just like you did. Having him in your life is not good at all. He may be nice on some level, but it isn't enough.

Why are you still in contact at some level with this guy? No contact at all. Block his number. Hear his voice, end the phone call. Obviously you had feelings for this guy. Which is why you had the affair in the first place. NC is best thing that can happen to you.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My Husband is the nicest person on earth. Even after I confessed, after the initial shocked, he was very supported of my feelings. My husband went to MC with me, he booked a hotel for next weekend and change his demeanor towards our marriage: more loving, caring, hugs, kissess, letters and sweet text messages.
> 
> 
> My husband niceness made me even crazier, as I feel as though, I am evil the person for betraying him. He is just the perfect guy right now. I dont deserve him.
> 
> I feel I need space from both the OM and my husband. They’re both confusing me.


Have you shown today's letter from the OM to your husband? What form did it come in? was it a written letter? Was it email? Give it to your husband. In the future, you cannot open any communication from the OM and read it. Just give it to your husband and let him handle it.

The reason you have having this problem is that you have had contact with the OM, you talked to him, you sent him a no-contact letter that was filled with emotional lies, and now today you got a letter from him him. So you have not gone to no contact yet.

DO NOT respond to this latest letter. Give it to your husband. Change your phone number. 

Every time you have any communication from the OM you will be put into this state again. So stop it.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

morituri said:


> Did you show the letter to your husband?


I will show it to him tommorow. I am trying to digest everything I read today.

I am just sad that I am going to hurt my husband all over again with this information. I have to take it slow and show it to him when my daughter is not around.


----------



## warlock07

> Your OM is a cheat, a liar, a home wrecker, and a pathetic looser who couldn't fnd a single and available woman who wanted to be with him. He is a trash bag who clung onto you.


Well said


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I will show it to him tommorow. I am trying to digest everything I read today.
> 
> I am just sad that I am going to hurt my husband all over again with this information. I have to take it slow and show it to him when my daughter is not around.


You are wrong to wait until tomorrow. Your husband will be upset that you waited to show him.

Was your husband involved when you wrote and sent the last no contact letter?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Complexity said:


> I think your husband wrongly rug swept the affair hence your mind has shifted from helping him heal to the OM.


I am in fog right now, but if I didn’t come to this website, I would be in deep darkness where everything is completely dark.

All of your honest opinion did help figure out why I’m feeling this idiocy. 

I expect for my husband to leave or go bersek on me (Unconsciously) and I now feel some sense of security from his forgiveness. Now that the OM left (according to his goodbye letter), I suddenly feel responsible for ruining him. He was about to be promoted as I heard from other colleague, and he left because I hurt him, I hurt and damage my husband and the OM. 

It’s not possible to love them both at the same time. But why Am I feeling this way. Is this some sort of punishment.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Sorry guys, if I don’t wake up tomorrow, it will be because I fulfilled my mission in this world. I truly hope I am not crazy, because I seriously believe that I am done living. Goodnight.


*
Please call Emergency Services. Now. *

*Think of your daughter and your husband.*


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

MattMatt said:


> *
> Please call Emergency Services. Now. *
> 
> *Think of your daughter and your husband.*


Matt, I just wish I'm no longer in this world, but I am not going to kill myself. Goodnight, off to bed.

P.S. I been drinking, so please forgive my choice of words.


----------



## warlock07

You need to cut back on the drinking immediately. It won't help and will only bring more pain to your family.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Matt, I just wish I'm no longer in this world, but I am not going to kill myself. Goodnight, off to bed.
> 
> P.S. I been drinking, so please forgive my choice of words.


Thank God for that. 

And alcohol is not your friend. Too much drinking instead of facing the problems that I had, caused in part by my wife's affair, helped propel me to my stupid revenge affair.


----------



## Shaggy

I suggest you tell your husband that it is ok and acceptable for him to be angry and to impose consequences upon you.

You nned him to do that to feel like you are earning a second chance with him.

Tell your husband now that you've broken NC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Baffled01

warlock07 said:


> The OM is playing the martyr to gain your feelings back. And it is working. ("I will let you go and change the job if it will make you happy, ok? ") This subtle manipulation(even if it is intentional or not.). The OM is doing a 180 on you and it is working.
> 
> A good man will never solicit and have an affair with a married woman with kids in the first place. He is not nice. He just took advantage of the situation just like you did. Having him in your life is not good at all. He may be nice on some level, but it isn't enough.
> 
> Why are you still in contact at some level with this guy? No contact at all. Block his number. Hear his voice, end the phone call. Obviously you had feelings for this guy. Which is why you had the affair in the first place. NC is best thing that can happen to you.


Exactly what the OM is doing. A good man would have just moved on and not sent you a letter notifying you-- if that is truly the case. My guess is he won't ever leave if he thinks he has a chance with you. You husband needs to man-up here and confront the OM. Your workplace NEEDS to be notified at this point. YOU HAVE COME HERE FOR ADVICE AND MANY HERE HAVE ADVISED THIS. TELL YOUR HUSBAND AND BOTH OF YOU NOTIFY YOUR WORKPLACE.


----------



## TBT

carpenoctem said:


> It is altogether possible to love two or more people at the same time, TBT.


Thanks for letting me know that. Sorry,just kidding.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

This is the best reason why the BS should not forgive WS immediately. If he was not so forgiving she might have working her a$$ out to hold her family together, her fog may have been lifted by now seeing the reality, but now she had much free time to think and worry about OM.

Actually the A is still going on.

What happened to you NC?


----------



## SadSamIAm

If you receive contact from OM, you need to notify your husband immediately. Don't wait. Waiting makes it look like you are either hiding something or protecting the OM.


----------



## Acabado

> Now that the OM left (according to his goodbye letter), I suddenly feel responsible for ruining him. He was about to be promoted as I heard from other colleague, and he left because I hurt him


OM put willingly his career in jeopardy. He knew damm well it went against company policy. He chose it. Every step. He went on with his agenda, played with fire, risked on his own. You are not a succubus, you didn't brainwahsed him. He chose it. He's his own master and holds the fulll responsability of his actions, like you of your's, like everyone else in this world. He's wise to quit the job on his own before things go for worse for HIM. He fear your husband retiliation, envy coworkers who might report him to HR... He's wise to quit. He's not doing it for you but for him. Including his good bye letter. It's totally self indulgent after you requested NC. He didn't honor your request. Again he chose disrespect you and your family. Look at how this affected you!
And you are back in the fog, twop step backwards, you fell again in the "what if" fantasy world you built up in your mind. Get out of it. Now. Quit your pink colored glasses.

Don't hide from your husband. Stop avoiding. Be present. Focus on your marriage.


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Matt, I* just wish I'm no longer in this world, but I am not going to kill myself*. Goodnight, off to bed.
> 
> P.S. I been drinking, so please forgive my choice of words.


Torn,

I think I have a bead on one of your problems....

You are a drama addict. 

This statement is so operatic and silly, that I almost laughed when I read it. It's almost like you are living the role of _Carmen_. Your husband is Don Jose and the OM is the bullfighter Escamillo. 

I get the feeling you think you have to act this way. I wonder, if, on some subliminal level, you are relishing the role you are playing? 

Am I wrong?


----------



## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am in fog right now, but if I didn’t come to this website, I would be in deep darkness where everything is completely dark.
> 
> All of your honest opinion did help figure out why I’m feeling this idiocy.
> 
> I expect for my husband to leave or go bersek on me (Unconsciously) and I now feel some sense of security from his forgiveness. Now that the OM left (according to his goodbye letter), I suddenly feel responsible for ruining him. He was about to be promoted as I heard from other colleague, and he left because I hurt him, I hurt and damage my husband and the OM.
> 
> It’s not possible to love them both at the same time. But why Am I feeling this way. Is this some sort of punishment.


I wouldn't bet on the fact the OM has left for good.

One important thing to note here Torn, is that your husband, for a homicide detective who knows his wife has had/is having an affair, is clueless. You said the OM has sent you a letter, called you on the phone, texted you since NC. And your husband is apparantly unaware of any of this? He has completely dropped the ball. He needs to come to this forum-- and soon, or he will lose his family. He forgave way too early, and from what it seems, has had a very weak response to all of this which has sent you back into the arms of the OM.


----------



## Houstondad

Torn-
My story is similar to yours. However, I am the BS. My EX struggled with letting go of the OM. At first, she promised NC. But after a week, she told me she couldn't stop. She described it as an addiction to her. Like a drug. We did MC, I loved her so much and did what I could to keep the marriage from falling apart. But her heart wasn't in it. She was "in love" with the OM. This on/off/on again with contacting the OM went on for 7 months. A state of limbo. Until finally he told her off and she had a nervous breakdown and threatened to hurt herself. She moved away temporarily(promised only a month) to have space from me and to "heal". But when you're apart, you can't work on the marriage. It takes two. And I strongly feel the guilt was too great for her. She decided to remain in her new "home" which is in another state. She severed her ties with her family, friends, everyone that was close to her. I discovered later that her and the OM were friends while she was dating other people. I had given her so many chances. But we only have so many in our heart. So I filed for divorce. 
The kids reside with me the majority of the year, she lost the house, her possessions and she pays me child support. Our kids are now part of a broken family because one parent is always absent. It hurts seeing them struggle sometimes with no mommy (and no daddy during summer visitation).
And she's still struggling with her issues. Running from her problems did not make them go away. Fooling around with the OM was only a band-aid that fell off when reality came crashing in. 

The biggest disappointment was not the affair (and yes it crushed my heart big time). The biggest disappointment was that she never put any effort to "repair" the marriage. 12 years together and she never felt it was worth saving. Will she have regrets in the future? Absolutely. 
Generally, marriages don't end in divorce solely because of an affair. It's how you handle the marriage afterwards that ultimately determines your fate. PLEASE don't make the same mistakes she made. You have to be strong. For your daughter's sake, your husband's sake and for yours.


----------



## bandit.45

The Great Zug has spoken!

He he, sorry Zug. You just bring that stuff out in me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

I don't wanna get banned again but your husband is blind I tell you.BLIND.

Note to mods: I am in no way violating forum rules #1 or #8

Live your life how you want, but it'd be an act of kindness if you cut your husband out of it.

I think your relationship with hubby is one of entitled princess and faithful servant. You won't ever have a satisfying relationship with anyone if you don't change yourself for the better


----------



## morituri

Unless you deceived the OM regarding your marital status, you owe him NOTHING. He knew damn well what he was getting into with a married woman and should have stopped it before it progressed by cutting all contact with you.

Stop the self pity. You are a grown woman not a lovesick school girl. Face your husband with the letter NOW.


----------



## Beelzebub

you are a child, STOP ASKING ABOUT THE FREAKING OM AND FOCUS AND ASK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND. FORGET THE OM, YOU KEEP ASKING ABOUT HIM SHOWING THAT YOU HAVE NO REMORESE, BY ASKING I MEAN " WHY OM DID THIS, WHY DID THAT" IT SHOWS THAT YOU STILL LOVE THE MAN AND U HAVE NO RESPECT TO YOUR HUSBAND. 
WOW, CANT YOU FREAKING LEARN FROM THE PAST. RATHER THAN ASKING US ABOUT HOW YOU CAN PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND YOU KEEP ASKING WHY OM DID THIS AND DID THAT. YOU NEVER LEARN. 
YOU ARE MORE EVIL THAN THE OM, THE OM JUST FOUND SOMEONE WHO SATISFY HIS NEEDS EASY. 
I BET IF YOUR HUSBAND READ THIS THREAD he WOULD LEFT LONG AGO. 
GOD,,,,,,, WOMEN ARE FREAKING CRAZY, NOTHING ENOUGH FOR MOST OF THEM. 
MANY WOMEN WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE, a HARD WORKING HUSBAND THAT PROVIDE EVERYTHING FOR YOU. 

BUT YOU KNOW, ITS NOT YOUR FAUILT, its YOUR HUSBAND WHO STAYED WITH YOU.


----------



## Beowulf

Is anyone else concerned that Torn hasn't been back on since she said "I seriously believe that I am done living?"


----------



## Beelzebub

No one concerned, she seems a drama queen and may be trying to find the OM to explain why he is being nice to her


----------



## bandit.45

Beelzebub said:


> No one concerned, she seems a drama queen and may be trying to find the OM to explain why he is being nice to her


I agree. Betcha she's seeing him again. 

She's going to be another Hunger. Remember that chick?


----------



## EleGirl

Beelzebub said:


> you are a child, STOP ASKING ABOUT THE FREAKING OM AND FOCUS AND ASK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND. FORGET THE OM, YOU KEEP ASKING ABOUT HIM SHOWING THAT YOU HAVE NO REMORESE, BY ASKING I MEAN " WHY OM DID THIS, WHY DID THAT" IT SHOWS THAT YOU STILL LOVE THE MAN AND U HAVE NO RESPECT TO YOUR HUSBAND.
> WOW, CANT YOU FREAKING LEARN FROM THE PAST. RATHER THAN ASKING US ABOUT HOW YOU CAN PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND YOU KEEP ASKING WHY OM DID THIS AND DID THAT. YOU NEVER LEARN.
> YOU ARE MORE EVIL THAN THE OM, THE OM JUST FOUND SOMEONE WHO SATISFY HIS NEEDS EASY.
> I BET IF YOUR HUSBAND READ THIS THREAD he WOULD LEFT LONG AGO.
> GOD,,,,,,, *WOMEN ARE FREAKING CRAZY, NOTHING ENOUGH FOR MOST OF THEM. *MANY WOMEN WOULD LOVE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE, a HARD WORKING HUSBAND THAT PROVIDE EVERYTHING FOR YOU.
> 
> BUT YOU KNOW, ITS NOT YOUR FAUILT, its YOUR HUSBAND WHO STAYED WITH YOU.


Why are you lumping all women together and insulting us all? You do not know 'most women' so how can you make such a statement?


----------



## lifeisnotsogood

Well first, the relationship you are having with the other man is never going to work. Maybe on your end, but definitely not on his; he will never trust you knowing what you did.

Second, decide whether you even want to try to fix your relationship with your husband. Is it worth it? Try counseling. 

Tell him or not? I am undecided on this issue. If my wife had an affair and then decided she loved me and was never going to do it again, I don't think I would want to know because I don't think I could get past it. If she was not planning on staying with me then I would want know because it would make the divorce that much easier. I would pretty much just hate her forever.


----------



## Jellybeans

End the affair or work on your marriage.

And FYI: that superromanticawesomechemistryinsanesoulmatefeeling wears off in every relationship eventually. The "newness" always turns into familiar, the shine always fades, the romance won't be what it is.

In
every
single
relationship.

Better to know that now than later.


----------



## hookares

bandit.45 said:


> I agree. Betcha she's seeing him again.
> 
> She's going to be another Hunger. Remember that chick?


----------



## hookares

Beowulf said:


> Is anyone else concerned that Torn hasn't been back on since she said "I seriously believe that I am done living?"


Really? REALLY!!??
Uuh, not me.
Sorry.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

I apologized for being overly dramatic the last couple of times I posted on here. I was drunk, sad, lonely and overwhelmed with my problem. My situation was formed owing to my "selfishness". My H lack of sexual desire compelled me to "cheat" in a worse possible way.

My H is a good man, however, he gravely endure our marriage by imparing my self esteem with his continous refusal to be intimate. I learned, according to him, that he was punishing me "at that time" because I was working too much. REALLy?! I always thought growing up that it was the WOMAN who exercises this type of behavior.

I came here because I am in the mist of confusion. There are so many questions lingering in my head, I have doubts in my feelings. But the most recent update would infuriate many of you. I went to see the OM again, as he is now blackmailing me. He wants to see me for the last time and when I refused, he says "if I want to get you in trouble, I have all the text and phone calls between us recorded". I can't believe he said that. In an effort to calm him down, I told him that I am his friend and what happen between "us" was a mistake (in obscured voice). Well, he smells my weakness, I was shaking, scared. I ended up agreeing to meet with him in his office and there he was, trying to have a relation with me again. We talked about our situation and I told him I am fixing it with my husband but the OM can't and wont understand what im trying to accomplish. He now told me that he has a girlfriend that I don't know about and proceeded to say "it doesn't matter because I don't know her anyway". He said he wants all of me, my heart, my mind, my time, ME. I left him all confuse and sad. I am making a big mistake, but I can't stop him. I want to, but I don't know how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Forgive me, but this is going nowhere I'll refrain from posting on this thread before I lose my cool


----------



## TBT

tornbetweenthetwo said:


> i apologized for being overly dramatic the last couple of times i posted on here. I was drunk, sad, lonely and overwhelmed with my problem. My situation was formed owing to my "selfishness". My h lack of sexual desire compelled me to "cheat" in a worse possible way.
> 
> My h is a good man, however, he gravely endure our marriage by imparing my self esteem with his continous refusal to be intimate. I learned, according to him, that he was punishing me "at that time" because i was working too much. Really?! I always thought growing up that it was the woman who exercises this type of behavior.
> 
> I came here because i am in the mist of confusion. There are so many questions lingering in my head, i have doubts in my feelings. But the most recent update would infuriate many of you. I went to see the om again, as he is now blackmailing me. He wants to see me for the last time and when i refused, he says "if i want to get you in trouble, i have all the text and phone calls between us recorded". I can't believe he said that. In an effort to calm him down, i told him that i am his friend and what happen between "us" was a mistake (in obscured voice). Well, he smells my weakness, i was shaking, scared. I ended up agreeing to meet with him in his office and there he was, trying to have a relation with me again. We talked about our situation and i told him i am fixing it with my husband but the om can't and wont understand what im trying to accomplish. He now told me that he has a girlfriend that i don't know about and proceeded to say "it doesn't matter because i don't know her anyway". He said he wants all of me, my heart, my mind, my time, me. I left him all confuse and sad. I am making a big mistake, but i can't stop him. I want to, but i don't know how.
> _posted via mobile device_


tell your husband!!


----------



## Shaggy

Since you refuse to stop catering to the OM, then tell your husband you've broken NC and are returning to the affair. Because since the threat worked once, it wll work over and over..


What exactly would the OM be able to do? He would be exposing himself as a a boss that slept with staff. 

Please say you didn't sleep with him at this meetup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

She reminds me of that story about the dog with a bone that saw his reflection in the water. He jumped in to get the other dog's bone and, while almost drowning, lost his 'real' bone. OP is well on her way to losing her 'real' soul mate -- and quite possibly her fantasy mate. In the end, she'll be alone just like the dog in the story, bemoaning what she once had.


----------



## happyman64

Better yet, tell your Husband, bring him to your office and march him into the OM's private office. Then tell your Husband to explain it to him.

Then walk out and close the door. Problem solved.

That is if your Husband is even willing to do this one thing for you.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Oh my, look what you got yourself into. Your letting that scumbag OM control you. Why would you go back? I truly do not understand. Did you really tell your husband about the affair in the first place? All I hear is excuses and self pitty. I'm starting to believe that you never told your husband as you stated to us. If you did, you wouldn't of been in this situation where there is blackmail involved. 

You need to be honest with yourself and your husband. The lies need to stop. By lying, you hurt yourself and all the ones who love you. Is this who you really are? Is this the example you want to set for your child/ren?

It's not your husbands fault you cheated. You need to take responsibility for your actions. You need to stop making excuses for your poor choices. 

If your husband slept with another woman, would you be okay with this?


----------



## warlock07

Rape is a realistic scenario. There was a poster who wife was raped when in an affair. She couldn't tell anyone. Don't meet the OM alone. Keep a VAR on you. You can report him for sexual harassment if this escalates.


----------



## entrada

lifeisnotsogood said:


> Well first, the relationship you are having with the other man is never going to work. Maybe on your end, but definitely not on his; he will never trust you knowing what you did.
> 
> Second, decide whether you even want to try to fix your relationship with your husband. Is it worth it? Try counseling.
> 
> Tell him or not? I am undecided on this issue. If my wife had an affair and then decided she loved me and was never going to do it again, I don't think I would want to know because I don't think I could get past it. :iagree:


----------



## bandit.45

I knew it.


----------



## Complexity

Torn, it just shows how lowly the men who mess with married women are.


----------



## MattMatt

_*Please *stop having anything to do with the OM!_

Gosh. That made me feel a little better...


----------



## Shaggy

I notice you posts here contain a small throw away about your poor husband, and then text text and more text about the OM.

See where you a choosing to put your effort ? It's not into anything that will make you marriage survive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dblkman

Please leave your H, let him at least find a wife who will respect him. you cannot give him that so you might as well give it to the om.


----------



## bandit.45

She had sex with the OM again. We all know she did. 

She won't stop. The OM is in her head.... she's totally controlled by him.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

warlock07 said:


> Rape is a realistic scenario. There was a poster who wife was raped when in an affair. She couldn't tell anyone. Don't meet the OM alone. Keep a VAR on you. You can report him for sexual harassment if this escalates.


Consensual sex is not rape. The OP was talking with the OM over the phone where he blackmailed her. She states she was shaking and scared... Most likely this is her guilty conscious getting the best of her. She made the choice to meet up with him again. 

I believe it's another lie/excuse to justify the sex.:/. He didn't force her to have sex. She is a very willing participant.


----------



## Shaggy

I've got a bad feeling that she gave in and did have sex with the OM again or something.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

It's like watching a slow motion train wreck.


----------



## CantSitStill

Well I wanna help and give words from experience but I can't help someone who has no clue what she wants...When I had my EA I told hubby 4 months later and left him so I could date the other man..I left and never saw the OM again..you see all these OMs do is mess with your head, make you think you're in love so they can try and get sex with you...I came home after I decided to end it with OM and chose to be with hubby..I never ever had contact with the OM again..I worked on my marriage. Yes the OM tried to contact me..I did not pick up, instead I gave hubby his number and let him deal with him...I am 5 months on R with hubby and never ever wanna even hear the OMs voice..if you want reconcilliation then you would not be talking the way you are..NO CONTACT with the OM is the only way to get out of this fog and over him..listen all thru the EA I tried breaking it off many times and landed up texting him a couple days later. It's just an addiction. It is not real. Tell your husband everything or just stay in your miserable position..it's up to you. If you don't love your husband than just leave him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill

Dang I was reading this thread the whole time I got banned from this site and it looks like im too late..wanted to post but couldn't here I am now and it's too late
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

CantSitStill said:


> Dang I was reading this thread the whole time I got banned from this site and it looks like im too late..wanted to post but couldn't here I am now and it's too late
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You just posted! don't hold back CSS - jump in


----------



## Acabado

Leave your husband. You don't love him. Face it. Get out with a little dignity.
Stop the ****ing excuses. Blackmail? What a huge pile of bullsh!t!


----------



## CantSitStill

Well I know that it's still like cheating when you are thinking of the OM, worried or concerned about the OM, or mad at the OM..see in my eyes my OM is dead..non existant= no feelings for him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

And then bye bye green card....buenos dias Espania.


----------



## TBT

You come on here like you and OM are some kind of star crossed lovers,but the truth is a lot seedier than that.There is a husband and child involved whose lives will forever be affected.Get out of your self-serving mode and try to show your H at least a modicum of respect and concern.Do you not ever think or is your life just constantly directed by your emotions and your needs?


----------



## bandit.45

TBT said:


> You come on here like you and OM are some kind of star crossed lovers,but the truth is a lot seedier than that.There is a husband and child involved whose lives will forever be affected.Get out of your self-serving mode and try to show your H at least a modicum of respect and concern.Do you not ever think or is your life just constantly directed by your emotions and your needs?


Well, she _is_ European.


----------



## Acabado

> Well, she is European.


Sure, there're no european BHs here.


----------



## bandit.45

Acabado said:


> Sure, there're no european BHs here.


It was a joke. Lighten up.


----------



## CantSitStill

Gosh as much as I hated hurting my husband, I had to tell him all, he kept question after question and every time I answered him honestly it hut him so bad whch of course was hurting me but I knew it was the only way.. Oh it's not easy, it really sucks but has to be done. At least now he knows and was able to deal with the OM and it wasn't easy for either of us.. My OM taunted him..kept calling him and went on and on about things that were not true. He said some very disgusting things to where we both hubby and I went to the police station to report him calling and harrassing and threatening to come over to the house to f his wife. You know what..it was very embarrassing for me.. this cop knows me from high school. Hey that's my problem..Maybe you need to tell family and friends what YOU did. I did it, everyone knows and I own it, accept it and let them decide whether or not they still love me and guess what? They do still love me. I was honest and told them all and also told them how much I've learned from this. My telling friends and family might help someone from making the same mistake I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alphaomega

In my opinion, I think she trickle truthed the situation to her husband.

First off, the man is a homicide detective. Those guys are the alpha dogs for a reason. If I was him, I'm pretty sure I would have had a talk to this man personally once I had the entire truth. Second, would a guy really blackmail his affair partner if he really knew that the woman's husband is someone who could chew him up for a snack in an instant?

I don't know......something's not addin up here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I apologized for being overly dramatic the last couple of times I posted on here. I was drunk, sad, lonely and overwhelmed with my problem. My situation was formed owing to my "selfishness". My H lack of sexual desire compelled me to "cheat" in a worse possible way.
> 
> My H is a good man, however, he gravely endure our marriage by imparing my self esteem with his continous refusal to be intimate. I learned, according to him, that he was punishing me "at that time" because I was working too much. REALLy?! I always thought growing up that it was the WOMAN who exercises this type of behavior.
> 
> I came here because I am in the mist of confusion. There are so many questions lingering in my head, I have doubts in my feelings. But the most recent update would infuriate many of you. I went to see the OM again, as he is now blackmailing me. He wants to see me for the last time and when I refused, he says "if I want to get you in trouble, I have all the text and phone calls between us recorded". I can't believe he said that. In an effort to calm him down, I told him that I am his friend and what happen between "us" was a mistake (in obscured voice). Well, he smells my weakness, I was shaking, scared. I ended up agreeing to meet with him in his office and there he was, trying to have a relation with me again. We talked about our situation and I told him I am fixing it with my husband but the OM can't and wont understand what im trying to accomplish. He now told me that he has a girlfriend that I don't know about and proceeded to say "it doesn't matter because I don't know her anyway". He said he wants all of me, my heart, my mind, my time, ME. I left him all confuse and sad. I am making a big mistake, but I can't stop him. I want to, but I don't know how.


What do you mean you cannot stop him? Stop him from what?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> What do you mean you cannot stop him? Stop him from what?


Elle,
My H and I put the last touches to the blunder, we both shaped the situation unconsciously. I am (right now), in a VERY confused state of mind. I have two men who love me, and I care for both of them at the same time. I honestly can’t tell which one of them is false. All I know right now is, I have a daughter with my H, and god gave her to me for a reason. The OM is "hopefully" as a result of my loneliness. I am sad; I am making a big mistake. My H does everything to BE GOOD AND WANT TO CHANGE; the OM is want I wanted. He is the person I wanted to be with. I am curse. I haven’t sleep for days. I’m sad. I’m confused.
Angie


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

TBT said:


> You come on here like you and OM are some kind of star crossed lovers,but the truth is a lot seedier than that.There is a husband and child involved whose lives will forever be affected.Get out of your self-serving mode and try to show your H at least a modicum of respect and concern.Do you not ever think or is your life just constantly directed by your emotions and your needs?


I told my H about what I felt for him on the discovery day. I confessed about the affair. In all honesty, I probably trickled truth my feelings in the sphere of my desire to keep my “family” together. I also fear SO MUCH of hurting my husband shattered heart. As soon as I come clean with my unfaithfulness, his reaction wounded my heart. I don’t know how to tell him that I fell in love with another man.


----------



## Complexity

Torn, what's to love about a man that seeks sexual relations with a married woman and then blackmails her for sex while he himself is in a committed relationship? If you're seriously "torn" over this, then do the merciful thing and let your husband go because this is teetering on cruelty.


----------



## anonymouskitty

I wake up in the morning, and I see this and my BP shoots up .
Please, stop acting as if you're powerless over the entire situation, you madam, are not. You can tell your husband that you've broken NC and let him make your decision for you.

You've been making Big Mistakes repeatedly, forgive me for saying this but that is not the mark of a woman who has nary a lick of sense in her. You're not doing your husband or your daughter any favour by staying with them. Telling your husband will automatically lead to one of two outcomes, A- he's going to try and rugsweep it again and thus prolonging your "agony" or B- he's going to wake up and divorce you.

You obviously want to delay the pain of losing your husband and/or your lover as much as possible.Sorry sister, but pain is inevitable.

Make a wise decision before you ruin your life for the worse.Remember you're not trying to protect your family from harm, you're only prolonging your despair and theirs.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

CantSitStill said:


> Well I wanna help and give words from experience but I can't help someone who has no clue what she wants...When I had my EA I told hubby 4 months later and left him so I could date the other man..I left and never saw the OM again..you see all these OMs do is mess with your head, make you think you're in love so they can try and get sex with you...I came home after I decided to end it with OM and chose to be with hubby..I never ever had contact with the OM again..I worked on my marriage. Yes the OM tried to contact me..I did not pick up, instead I gave hubby his number and let him deal with him...I am 5 months on R with hubby and never ever wanna even hear the OMs voice..if you want reconcilliation then you would not be talking the way you are..NO CONTACT with the OM is the only way to get out of this fog and over him..listen all thru the EA I tried breaking it off many times and landed up texting him a couple days later. It's just an addiction. It is not real. Tell your husband everything or just stay in your miserable position..it's up to you. If you don't love your husband than just leave him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. Please don’t get me wrong, I been repetitive with my thoughts and adage of my feelings for my husband. I love him, but I am unable to gauge the length of my feelings for him. Believe me, if I can, I would have chosen him by now.


----------



## warlock07

TBT, listen. OM is a dead end. If you want to separation or divorce that is a different story. OM is not and never a choice.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

bandit.45 said:


> Well, she _is_ European.


My nationality has nothing to do with my situation. I am as American as you are now.


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don’t know how to tell him that I fell in love with another man.


How are you even sure if you're in love with OM? I think at one point or more on here you implied you weren't.That's one reason you need to go NC and maintain it.What exactly are you doing to work on your marriage if anything? Surely your husband must see you're not committed to your marriage as he must be hyper-vigilant now and being a homicide cop he knows how to assess others and has good resources at hand for finding answers.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Believe me, if I can, I would have chosen him by now.


Foggy as they get


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> Leave your husband. You don't love him. Face it. Get out with a little dignity.
> Stop the ****ing excuses. Blackmail? What a huge pile of bullsh!t!



I avoided him at all cost. He left his job (with me ignoring him for a week). When he left his job he told me “If I want to get you in trouble, I can, we have lots of text and phone calls recorded on my end” My employer is unaware of “our” affair. I am recently promoted bank branch manager. A retail director is in the process of giving me an “assistant vice president” 3rd tier Bank branch manager which is a next step up to possibly becoming a regional manager. I love my job, I care for my job so much and I wouldn’t want my selfishness affects this in any way.


----------



## TBT

warlock07 said:


> TBT, listen.


Personally,I'm not torn between the two!


----------



## aug

I think you should move out and stay with the OM for a while. Well, maybe a long while. 

Staying with your husband is certainly not helping him or your situation.

You love the OM -- that is where you should be.

Free your husband. Let him live a better life than he has now with you.


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I avoided him at all cost. He left his job (with me ignoring me for a week). When he left his job he told me “If I want to get you in trouble, I can, we have lots of text and phone calls recorded on my end” My employer is unaware of “our” affair. I am recently promoted bank branch manager. A retail director is in the process of giving me an “assistant vice president” 3rd tier Bank branch manager which is a next step up to possibly becoming a regional manager. I love my job, I care for my job much and I wouldn’t want my selfishness affects this in any way.



There you go. You have outgrown your husband. You have moved up the corporate ladder fairly fast. I think your career moved past your husband's.


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My nationality has nothing to do with my situation. I am as American as you are now.


My poor attempt at humor is the least of your worries. I guarantee if your husband had kicked you out the first time, like he should have, the OM and your precious career would not have seemed so important to you. Why don't you admit your husband is around 5th on your list of priorities?....after your career, your daughter, yourself and the OM. 

The OM only wants you for what pleasure he can get from you. He cares nothing for your daughter and your well being. And you love him for it. Your husband truly loves you and tries to be better and you treat him with contempt. 

My god...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Elle,
> My H and I put the last touches to the blunder, we both shaped the situation unconsciously. I am (right now), in a VERY confused state of mind. I have two men who love me, and I care for both of them at the same time. I honestly can’t tell which one of them is false. All I know right now is, I have a daughter with my H, and god gave her to me for a reason. The OM is "hopefully" as a result of my loneliness. I am sad; I am making a big mistake. My H does everything to BE GOOD AND WANT TO CHANGE; the OM is want I wanted. He is the person I wanted to be with. I am curse. I haven’t sleep for days. I’m sad. I’m confused.
> Angie


The affair is not going to turn into anything permanent. They almost never do.. only about 3% of affairs do. Keep in mind this guy threatened you to get you to come see him. Nice huh?

Why would you give your husband up for a man who is already in another relationship? The OM has a girlfriend. You are his piece on the side. The girlfriend is probably the woman he takes to dinner out with his friends. You are the one he meets in secret. Which one of you do you think he will make a life with? The one he hides or the one he is proud enough of to date in public.

Your husband will find out that you have not ended contact with the OM. I doubt he will stay with you after this latest drama. You are going to end up alone.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> TBT, listen. OM is a dead end. If you want to separation or divorce that is a different story. OM is not and never a choice.


 I know. How can I dictate my heart? That’s why I am here. I need help. I’m looking to be criticized. I want to wake up. I am in a crazy state of mind.


----------



## anonymouskitty

And we're offering you the perfect solution, tell your husband the whole truth
* This advice will invariably fall on deaf ears, carry on*


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> The affair is not going to turn into anything permanent. They almost never do.. only about 3% of affairs do. Keep in mind this guy threatened you to get you to come see him. Nice huh?
> 
> Why would you give your husband up for a man who is already in another relationship? The OM has a girlfriend. You are his piece on the side. The girlfriend is probably the woman he takes to dinner out with his friends. You are the one he meets in secret. Which one of you do you think he will make a life with? The one he hides or the one he is proud enough of to date in public.
> 
> Your husband will find out that you have not ended contact with the OM. I doubt he will stay with you after this latest drama. You are going to end up alone.


 Ele, again I am not exalting my affair, but the OM holds my hands proudly in public, it was never a secret around his friends how he feels about me. That’s why I am very confused when he said he has a girlfriend. How can he, was he unafraid of “her” seeing “HIM AND I” holding hands or together. I always let my hand loose but he holds me tightly in public. He whispers how much he loves and cares for me. I always say “your feeling is false don, I am married” I hurt him many times by ignoring him yet I ended up seeing him when my H neglect or offended my deprived spirits.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

aug said:


> I think you should move out and stay with the OM for a while. Well, maybe a long while.
> 
> Staying with your husband is certainly not helping him or your situation.
> 
> You love the OM -- that is where you should be.
> 
> Free your husband. Let him live a better life than he has now with you.



Aug, I asked my husband for divorce, he refused.


----------



## bandit.45

Ughhh.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Very endearing, my cigarettes used to pull me like that and they'd be proud to hold themselves between my lips, I could almost hear them saying" Oh, Christopher my love, never let us go"


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Aug, I asked my husband for divorce, he refused.


So,you initiate it.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

TBT said:


> So,you initiate it.


I am very close to divorcing my husband.


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am very close to divorcing my husband.


Please do... For his sake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am very close to divorcing my husband.


Then what are you waiting on?


----------



## Complexity

Damn, what a way to start a Friday morning.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Aug, I asked my husband for divorce, he refused.


Did you first tell him the truth about your cheating?

Look, your OM is a scumbag. He has threatened you, he has blackmailed you.

Oh, and he cheated with a subordinate - you.

what a really nice guy you got there.

Let's see and how many affairs has your husband and daughter had?

I get the feeling you are actually fully intending to leave and be with the OM and are just using these forums to help justify that "you tried" before you do what you have already decided to do.

the problem is you are not treating your husband with any respect by lying to him like you are.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am very close to divorcing my husband.


Well at least tell the poor man why he is loosing his family. Tell him that you chose to cheat and leave them.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Complexity said:


> Damn, what a way to start a Friday morning.


Now all I need is a cup of tea, perfect.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> TBT, listen. OM is a dead end. If you want to separation or divorce that is a different story. OM is not and never a choice.


Warlock, I appreciate your response. You’re right. I can and will never be happy with the OM. If I divorce my H, it will “only” be because I completely lost whatever there is to fix in our marriage and the OM is just the apparatuses who helps me fix my misery.


----------



## anonymouskitty

In other words, this an exit affair, cheers.


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Warlock, I appreciate your response. You’re right. I can and will never be happy with the OM. If I divorce my H, it will “only” be because I completely lost whatever there is to fix in our marriage and the OM is just the apparatuses who helps me fix my misery.


OR, you are just too much of a coward and too morally bankrupt to put the work in necessary to rebuild what you destroyed. Your huband is willing but you know you would most likely have to put your precious career on the back burner. You are not willing to do that are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Aug, I asked my husband for divorce, he refused.



You can file for the divorce yourself. You really do not need your husband's permission to divorce. No, really! You can start the divorce. Find a lawyer to help you, if needed. Make that executive decision.


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If I divorce my H, it will “only” be because I completely lost whatever there is to fix in our marriage and the OM is just the apparatuses who helps me fix my misery.


You admit there's something to fix,but you don't even try.You just keep shooting yourself in the foot by being in continual contact with OM.


----------



## bandit.45

Aug is right. The next time your bank downsizes you are going to have to fire people you care about. 

What better way to desensitize yourself than by firing your loving husband? It would be good practice for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Your present marriage is dead, so get the D papers and file first. Your husband is in shock and fear of loosing you, dont care for this, he is not going to leave you. women up, persuade what you want (OM)and be happy with him.

Tell the whole truth and inform your husband that you fell in love with OM. He deserve at least that much respect.

Move out of the home.

Your husband deserve a faithful wife, you deserve a man who can make love to you for a whole day.

Dont remain in this limbo, its time for you to act and do the things in a right way.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> Did you first tell him the truth about your cheating?
> 
> Look, your OM is a scumbag. He has threatened you, he has blackmailed you.
> 
> Oh, and he cheated with a subordinate - you.
> 
> what a really nice guy you got there.
> 
> Let's see and how many affairs has your husband and daughter had?
> 
> I get the feeling you are actually fully intending to leave and be with the OM and are just using these forums to help justify that "you tried" before you do what you have already decided to do.
> 
> the problem is you are not treating your husband with any respect by lying to him like you are.


Shaggy, I wouldn’t want ANYONE to be in my situation. My state of affairs are immoral, I would never dream to be in this condition. I love my husband but I am NOT in love with him. I want to so much but I am not. He is a good man, a good person, a good father but he lacks the attribute and attitudes I am looking for in a man. Am I feeling this because of my age? am I immature? am I in fog because I was WRONG to marry him in the first place. I don’t know all the answer. I pray that whatever the outcome is, I only want the best for my daughter.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Is it me or did this damn fog just get thicker???


----------



## Shaggy

You are most certainly in the affair FOG and it is making you see your marriage as worse than it was and the looser OM as better than he is.

First you need to change the OM's name when you think of him and talk about him so something like "Looser" or "Tiny ****". That will be begin correcting the twisted view your brain has of him.

Have you actually given your marriage a chance by going to MC and learning to be a better couple? 

With your husband you actually have the chance one day of walking on the beach with him and your daughter as a family.

Choose the OM and that scene will never happen. Your daughter will always hate the OM as the guy that you betrayed her father with.

Choosing the OM is choosing a much worse life than you've had. 

Oh, and if they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

And as for only wanting the best for your daughter - I'm going to call you out on that lie. You don't, if you did you would be doing everything in the world to save her family. Instead you are making selfish fog driven choices where you actually think divorce and cheating are acceptable choices for the future, as opposed to dumping the looser and getting into proper MC with your husband.

I'm also concerned that you work in a bank, are responsible for financial integrity and in a position of trust, yet you are having an affair.


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I pray that whatever the outcome is, I only want the best for my daughter.


The best for your daughter would had been a loving family. But it is too late for your daughter. The ride has begun. You started it. You cant predict or control the future 100%. What happens to your daughter will depend on many factors: you, your husband, your daughter's intelligence, her genetics, her social environment, etc...


----------



## MattMatt

> I only want the best for my daughter.


*No! You! Don't!*

Do NOT blame your daughter for you cheating on your husband! How can you DARE do that?! 

In years to come could you say to your daughter:


> "I loved my husband but I am NOT in love with him. I want to so much but I am not. He is a good man, a good person, a good father but he lacks the attribute and attitudes I am looking for in a man."


Would she say: "Mom, you are so full of trash! If he was such a good father, why did you take him out of my life?"

If you try that on her, her respect for you will reach a new low. And guess what? She'll never believe you on anything else you tell her. Because you'll have outed yourself as someone who cannot be trusted. Ever.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> He is a good man, a good person, a good father but he lacks the attribute and attitudes


So you'd like him to be like the OM who 

1. blackmails women
2. abuses his position as a manager against company rules
3. happily cheats with a married woman?

Those kind of attributes and attitudes?


----------



## Shaggy

At least be honest with us - did you give in and have sex with the OM again?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Your present marriage is dead, so get the D papers and file first. Your husband is in shock and fear of loosing you, dont care for this, he is not going to leave you. women up, persuade what you want (OM)and be happy with him.
> 
> Tell the whole truth and inform your husband that you fell in love with OM. He deserve at least that much respect.
> 
> Move out of the home.
> 
> Your husband deserve a faithful wife, you deserve a man who can make love to you for a whole day.
> 
> Dont remain in this limbo, its time for you to act and do the things in a right way.


Kallan, You’re giving me a “farfetched” advice. It seems too good to be true. In the real world, I could probably to that. But my job requires “logical” analysis of the situation; I tend to carry that in my personal life. If I think with rational notion NOW, it would not only ruin my career, my world will shambles.


----------



## MattMatt

Damn. Now I get to go to work feeling on a down.

How's that cake taste, Steph? Please do not choke on it.


----------



## aug

Shaggy said:


> So you'd like him to be like the OM who
> 
> 1. blackmails women
> 2. abuses his position as a manager against company rules
> 3. happily cheats with a married woman?
> 
> Those kind of attributes and attitudes?




These are required qualities to be a successful banker?


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Aug, I asked my husband for divorce, he refused.


I thought you asked your husband if he wanted a divorce. That you told him if he wants a divorce then you will not fight him. I believe that is the way you stated it here.

That's a lot different from you asked for a divorce and he refused to give you one.

He cannot refuse to give you a divorce. All you have to do is to file for divorce and the judge will sign the papers and you are divorced. Your husband cannot keep you from getting a divorce.

Your marriage is move, finito. You would do best to just tell your husband that you are filing for divorce.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Kallan, You’re giving me a “farfetched” advice. It seems too good to be true. In the real world, I could probably to that. But my job requires “logical” analysis of the situation; I tend to carry that in my personal life. If I think with rational notion NOW, it would not only ruin my career, my world will shambles.


No. You don't. That's what people TELL themselves they do, but they rarely do in reality.

*It is not logic, it is rationalising poor choices and bad decisions.*


----------



## anonymouskitty

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Kallan, You’re giving me a “farfetched” advice. It seems too good to be true. In the real world, I could probably to that. But my job requires “logical” analysis of the situation; I tend to carry that in my personal life. If I think with rational notion NOW, it would not only ruin my career, my world will shambles.


Lady, this is as REAL as this world is ever going to be.

You are simply reiterating what has been said before.

The behaviour you exhibit is that of a cakeeater.

If your husband were to use his "logical" brain he'd drop you by the wayside without ceremony and inform the HR dept of your bank and leak the info to everyone in your workplace, to the love of your life's wife, to your lover's superiors and do enough damage to ensure that you don't have your "life" and job.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Do you see my signature? Torn, honey, wake up. We're not here to mollycoddle you, you can still get out of this without doing further damage. Please see your entire thread from the perspective of a stranger. Do it and you'll find out just how you've progressively slipped into this abyss.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Kallan, You’re giving me a “farfetched” advice. It seems too good to be true. In the real world, I could probably to that. But my job requires “logical” analysis of the situation; I tend to carry that in my personal life. If I think with rational notion NOW, it would not only ruin my career, my world will shambles.


You have not sued "logical" analysis in any of this. Instead you are reactionary and emotional. Your life as you know it is ruined.

If anything is going to ruin your career and our life, it's the affair with the OM. Remember he's the big banker. Who do you think the bank will fire first? You or him? YOU.... I have noticed where I work that once in a while one of them men gets in an affair with some lower level female in the company. It's so clear what is going on. Then the affair ends and guess who we never see again? Yet the woman. 

The chances of your husband not knowing what has been going on between you and the OM since you told your husband about the affair are almost zero. Remember your husband's career field. Do you really think he does not know that people who have affairs behave the you are behaving? Do you really think he's that stupid?

Your husband has shown you that he is willing to do what it takes to keep you. You married him and promissed to stay with him for life. You have a daughter with him. But you have thrown all of this away in the last few days. He gave you a second chance and you are still sneaking around behind his back.

And for who? A man who has a girlfriend beside you. A man who loves you so much that he's cheating on you. He threatens you.


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> he lacks the attribute and attitudes I am looking for in a man.


Maybe you should have qualified this by adding "now" at the end of the sentence,because he appears to have been quite acceptable when you married him.I guess the OM is more your speed as you climb the corporate ladder and your H isn't good enough for you anymore.Pretty shallow in my books and leaves me shaking my head at the way the world is for some folks.


----------



## carpenoctem

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Aug, I asked my husband for divorce, he refused.


please tell him about your latest encounter (the infamous 'blackmail'), and the ongoing sexual-emotional bondage,
and he might comply.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> you do realize that even if you decide to stay with your husband, he is going to live his life as your fourth choice or so (the OM seems to be no 1 to 3, from your posts), and he INHERENTLY DESERVES MORE THAN THAT AS A HUMAN BEING, RIGHT?
> 
> if you truly do love your husband somewhere, please release him from this emotional incarceration. *Do that one 'sacrifice' for him, for all the good things he has done for you.*


*carpenoctem*, I demanded for divorce, he rejected. He loves me, our daughter, our family and I. I love our daughter so much, our family and Him. But my emotional state of mind is on the despondent in arrears to our recent scraps.

I am in serious muddy waters right now. I wanted to get out but I can’t. I came here because I am looking for answers, I don’t know what to do. I thought a (six years ago) person like me, who has almost everything; a family with good income, out of debts, etc. would be happy. Boy, I was wrong. Happiness ca never be bought. Love is just that, Love.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

There is nothing wrong in D your husband and being with OM, but you should do it right by first D your husband then go and live with OM.

But you are doing things in wrong way, now you are traveling by putting your legs on two boats simultaneously, at one point both will drift away and you will fall down on pile of your own sh!t.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *carpenoctem*, I demanded for divorce, he rejected. He loves me, our daughter, our family and I. I love our daughter so much, our family and Him. But my emotional state of mind is on the despondent in arrears to our recent scraps.
> 
> I am in serious muddy waters right now. I wanted to get out but I can’t. I came here because I am looking for answers, I don’t know what to do. I thought a (six years ago) person like me, who has almost everything; a family with good income, out of debts, etc. would be happy. Boy, I was wrong. Happiness ca never be bought. Love is just that, Love.


What you do not seem to understand is that as long as you are in contact with the OM your feelings for him are not going away. That is how our bodies work. Every time you think of him, read a message from him or see him your brain creates chemicals that make you feel good and bond to him.

The only way to end your addiction to these brain chemicals is to end all contact with him.

You are creating your own hell by continuing contact.

You are also choosing to end your marriage by not ending all contact.


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo;904692I don’t know what to do.[/QUOTE said:


> For the umpteenth time,try going completely NC with POSOM for starters.Jeez!


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> What you do not seem to understand is that as long as you are in contact with the OM your feelings for him are not going away. That is how our bodies work. Every time you think of him, read a message from him or see him your brain creates chemicals that make you feel good and bond to him.
> 
> The only way to end your addiction to these brain chemicals is to end all contact with him.
> 
> You are creating your own hell by continuing contact.
> 
> You are also choosing to end your marriage by not ending all contact.


Elle,

Thank you for this response. You’re right. I am in fog because of addiction for the OM. My H negligence of my feelings and sex had me revamps to deceitful affairs. I love him and my daughter so much. I don’t want to leave them. I am selfish RIGHT NOW. I AM SORRY. This is the words I can’t tell my H because I am so afraid to tell him I am in love with someone else.


----------



## warlock07

Here is the plan. You mind is too messed up to make any rational decisions

1) Go NC with the OM

2)Try fixing the marriage wholeheartedly for your kid if not for the H. She needs her whole family

3) Divorce amicably if everything else fails

Start dating other men.

If you have a sister or a close friend you can confide in, do it.


The OM is full of red flags. He is clingy and seems to have attachment and control issues. It is like jumping from a frying pan into fire. OM is never a choice. You are just enjoying being the center of his attention too much. Just don't so it, ok?


----------



## warlock07

Again, you are not in love with the OM. You are just enjoying the attention too much right now. The high when you start a new relationship. Just go NC for the kids sake. Everything will be more clear within a a month or two.

You seem to enjoy that 2 men are fighting for you. You also seem to feel some guilt about leading the OM on. Well, that should teach him something about pursuing married women in the first place


----------



## Baffled01

aug said:


> You can file for the divorce yourself. You really do not need your husband's permission to divorce. No, really! You can start the divorce. Find a lawyer to help you, if needed. Make that executive decision.


Yeah I think at this point you really need to file for divorce. Especially if all this is going on right underneath your husbands nose and he doesn't know about it. He needs something to really wake him up.


----------



## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Zug, I demanded for divorce, he rejected. He loves me, our daughter, our family and I. I love our daughter so much, our family and Him. But my emotional state of mind is on the despondent in arrears to our recent scraps.
> 
> I am in serious muddy waters right now. I wanted to get out but I can’t. I came here because I am looking for answers, I don’t know what to do. I thought a (six years ago) person like me, who has almost everything; a family with good income, out of debts, etc. would be happy. Boy, I was wrong. Happiness ca never be bought. Love is just that, Love.


Then why the Heck does he not take any action to keep you. Sorry, your husband seems like a serious 'lame duck'.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I avoided him at all cost. He left his job (with me ignoring him for a week). When he left his job he told me “If I want to get you in trouble, I can, we have lots of text and phone calls recorded on my end” My employer is unaware of “our” affair. I am recently promoted bank branch manager. A retail director is in the process of giving me an “assistant vice president” 3rd tier Bank branch manager which is a next step up to possibly becoming a regional manager. I love my job, I care for my job so much and I wouldn’t want my selfishness affects this in any way.


TBT, you world is built upon lies and it will all come crashing down on you soon. You will end up losing your family and your good job. How can you possibly 'love' someone who is threatening to ruin your life? You're in a downward spiral and you're just too fogged up to see it.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I demanded for divorce, he rejected.


Impossible.

I filed for divorce with my first husband. Before I filed, I moved out. I never asked for permission. I wasn't about to stay with someone cheating on me over and over. Hey, I had a child too. I did the responsible thing and left. Funny, she thinks very little of her dad by the way he treats others, this includes being unfaithful. Which obviously he was with me and his current wife.

Do you realize your making excuses for everything?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

She came here for just validation and justification, initially some helped her in her rationalization with their replays so she continued here. Actually she posted in wrong forum.
What she actually needs is to continue with her cheating as long as she can. she want to enjoy her excitement and cake eat.

I still don't believe that she told her husband about the cheating. She is in thick fog we are trying to penetrate a hippos skin with our nails.

She wont leave her husband because she know OM wont give a sh!t about her and her daughter for a serious relationship. Who wants to spend their rest of the life with a cheater.

I can see a train coming in slow motion, unfortunately her child is the only one to loose what she deserved.


----------



## Jellybeans

Ok so what do you want? 

If you are in love with another man and want out, then file for divorce. Your husband doesn't have to agree to a divorce, a judge will sign for him.

Word to the wise, most divorces are NOT mutual. Usually one person wants out and one doesn't. Yet they are granted every day.



Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Zug, I demanded for divorce, he rejected.


Read what I wrote above.

It's not fair to your husband what you are doing. Every day you are lying to him. Every day you are wasting his time and your time.


----------



## CantSitStill

Akk it's like that girl Hunger all over again..it's useless so I'm done with this thread
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Kallan Pavithran said:


> I still don't believe that she told her husband about the cheating. She is in thick fog we are trying to penetrate a hippos skin with our nails.
> 
> .


I suspect you are right and that explains why he hasn't taken action to find out about the OM and expose him and deal with him.


----------



## bandit.45

I agree with Kallan. She never came clean about the affair. If she had actually seen her husband devastated we would not be having this conversation now. 

She has been lying to us the whole time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

CantSitStill said:


> Akk it's like that girl Hunger all over again..it's useless so I'm done with this thread
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah sis, a Spanish Hunger.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeisnotsogood

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I avoided him at all cost. He left his job (with me ignoring him for a week). When he left his job he told me “If I want to get you in trouble, I can, we have lots of text and phone calls recorded on my end” My employer is unaware of “our” affair. I am recently promoted bank branch manager. A retail director is in the process of giving me an “assistant vice president” 3rd tier Bank branch manager which is a next step up to possibly becoming a regional manager. I love my job, I care for my job so much and I wouldn’t want my selfishness affects this in any way.


He transferred. He would not say anything as he would lose his job too. By the way, if it's true about the threat, which I have serious doubts, it would be sexual harassment. He would lose his job, not you. And why didn't you tell your husband? You must have wanted to see him and just used this as the excuse. You do not deserve your H.

One more thing. The "in love with him" fades. Then all you have left is the fact that you love and respect the other person. You may not find this out until your third or fourth marriage, but you will find out. The next marriage will not be any easier than the one your currently in, so I suggest you work on the one you have.


----------



## lifeisnotsogood

For better or worse, in sickness and in health, til...


----------



## Zanna

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Elle,
> 
> Thank you for this response. You’re right. I am in fog because of addiction for the OM. My H negligence of my feelings and sex had me revamps to deceitful affairs. I love him and my daughter so much. I don’t want to leave them. I am selfish RIGHT NOW. I AM SORRY. This is the words I can’t tell my H because I am so afraid to tell him I am in love with someone else.


You are not in love with the OM, you are infatuated with him. It's not real. Love is not built on a foundation of lies and deceit. And if OM sleeps with married women, how much value does he put in fidelity? Go to him and he will be cheating on YOU in no time.

Have some respect for yourself and be a better role model for your daughter. I highly doubt your H is as neglectful as you make him out to be. I think you're doing the classic cheater's history rewrite.

If you do end up with OM, good luck. You're going to need it. And your husband will find a woman who is worthy of being his wife.


----------



## bandit.45

lifeisnotsogood said:


> For better or worse, in sickness and in health, til...


Don't finish that sentence. You'll get banned if you say that word.


----------



## t_hopper_2012

The truth will set you free. 

It will take away the OM's power and, most importantly, it is the first step towards fixing your marriage. (Because, honestly, can you fix it with this huge lie hanging out there?) 

Until you tell the truth (and choose one or the other) you will remain torn. So, stop the drama. Make a choice and tell the truth.


----------



## Acabado

> I can and will never be happy with the OM. If I divorce my H, it will “only” be because I completely lost whatever there is to fix in our marriage and the OM is just the apparatuses who helps me fix my misery


If it weren't so cliche... Listen friend, you never got past the worst of the withdrawal stage, you didn't. Not a week ago you were thinking more clearly, mid term and long term. You told your husband youu planned MC.. your were to giv you a good chance, with some dignity. You caved in your addiction and your thoughts are again cloudy, the same impact of demonizing, rewriting, blameshifting, the same filters of hopeleness every wayward have when they break NC so soon. You can't let your emotional needs met by anybody else while OM is in the picture. You didn't gave your marriage the chance you wanted to give not a week ago!! Geezz, you didn'0t came completely clean (Becuase in the back of your mind you wanted that door still opened, face it), not even 1 MC session, not even passing by the obsessive stage. It's very typical.
You claims being analitycal, due the nature of your work, yet you are letting yourself make *life altering decisions* (sadly for many people) *ruled on emotions*, cludy emotions. You are operating with a junkie mind. You know it.
You could only say I your self I tried if you stay at least 6 months of complete NC and work for a while in the marriage. Read your thread since beginning, you are just back in the fog. Read more threads here, at marriagebnuilders, at surviving infidelity... We've seen this so many times that is almost boring if it wans't so tragic.

You will always repent if you don't go NC, no matter what. Do you want to tell your daughter in the future you tried your best for her to have a convencional family without lying her? Call OM bluff on his treats. If you think he's so nice guy he won't jeopardice your carreer, your daughter future.
Come completely clean with your husband. Do it now. The extent of our affiar, your feelings, his treats, everything. Full honesty, ask him to help you becuase you want to give it a serious chance and you are not thinking clearly and making many mistakes.
Wait 6 mo to make any permanent decision. What are 6 mo in a whole life when there're are childrens involved, friend?

Honestly, I think you should divorce your husband but I fear for you and your daughter. You will regret this forever if you don't behave as a grwon up.
There are many people who not only went out of this as better persons even if finnaly get the divorce, but there're many coiples very happy for giving the marriage a serious chance.


----------



## saveourmarriage

Acabado said:


> If it weren't so cliche... Listen friend, you never got past the worst of the withdrawal stage, you didn't. Not a week ago you were thinking more clearly, mid term and long term. You told your husband youu planned MC.. your were to giv you a good chance, with some dignity. You caved in your addiction and your thoughts are again cloudy, the same impact of demonizing, rewriting, blameshifting, the same filters of hopeleness every wayward have when they break NC so soon. You can't let your emotional needs met by anybody else while OM is in the picture. You didn't gave your marriage the chance you wanted to give not a week ago!! Geezz, you didn'0t came completely clean (Becuase in the back of your mind you wanted that door still opened, face it), not even 1 MC session, not even passing by the obsessive stage. It's very typical.
> You claims being analitycal, due the nature of your work, yet you are letting yourself make *life altering decisions* (sadly for many people) *ruled on emotions*, cludy emotions. You are operating with a junkie mind. You know it.
> 
> You could only say I your self I tried if you stay at least 6 months of complete NC and work for a while in the marriage. Read your thread since beginning, you are just back in the fog. Read more threads here, at marriagebnuilders, at surviving infidelity... We've seen this so many times that is almost boring if it wans't so tragic.
> 
> You will always repent if you don't go NC, no matter what. Do you want to tell your daughter in the future you tried your best for her to have a convencional family without lying her? Call OM bluff on his treats. If you think he's so nice guy he won't jeopardice your carreer, your daughter future.
> Come completely clean with your husband. Do it now. The extent of our affiar, your feelings, his treats, everything. Full honesty, ask him to help you becuase you want to give it a serious chance and you are not thinking clearly and making many mistakes.
> Wait 6 mo to make any permanent decision. What are 6 mo in a whole life when there're are childrens involved, friend?
> 
> Honestly, I think you should divorce your husband but I fear for you and your daughter. You will regret this forever if you don't behave as a grwon up.
> There are many people who not only went out of this as better persons even if finnaly get the divorce, but there're many coiples very happy for giving the marriage a serious chance.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

Please take Acabado's advice. I was there in the fog for a year, even went through counseling. Continued to see the OM at work. Nothing changed until I had NC with the OM. I had to quit my job in order to get out of the FOG, you need to do that first before you can move forward in your marriage.


----------



## mc1234

Torn, if you have told your Husband the whole truth, i doubt he would hesitate in giving you the divorce you wanted. I am an advocate in trying to reconcile but your posts just makes me wants to scream. You are a very selfish person and do not deserve a husband who is trying to turn things round for you and your daughter. You are also coming across as very immature and entitled. Let your husband go and let him find someone whom he will be their FIRST priority. If you love your daughter, as you say, stop thinking of yourself. Your husband wants to give his family ( YOU and YOUR DAUGHTER) the stability, love, support, protection etc. It is YOU that is stopping this. This would be the best scenario for your daughter but you are only thinking about the OM and how YOU feel. If you really love....do what is right, recooncile completely or let your husband go! There is no in between.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

When you are ready to go NC and work on your marriage Torn, let me know and I will be willing to help you. The problem is..you are so far gone in the fog there is no waking you up untill hubby gives you consequences. I have been there in that fog so I know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## saveourmarriage

CantSitStill said:


> When you are ready to go NC and work on your marriage Torn, let me know and I will be willing to help you. The problem is..you are so far gone in the fog there is no waking you up untill hubby gives you consequences. I have been there in that fog so I know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The truth hurts but it will set you free. The OM is a cheat not a nice person. I reported my OM at the hospital where I worked, you need to report him, quit your job those were the consequences set by my BS. You will come out of the Fog that you are in. We have been there and know how you are feeling...trust us on that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Hi saveourmarriage, just wanted to say it's nice to know I'm not alone on being a WS onn this site  sorry I must forget not to hijack threads..carry on..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm

Reading this thread just makes me shake my head. People that are quite intelligent can make such bad decisions and screw up their entire life.

By having an affair the OP has:

1) Ruined her family
2) Ruined her career (by cheating with someone at work who is a total douche and is now blackmailing her ---- and she still says she loves him :-( )

There is no way out. 

- If she breaks up with the POSOM, he will blackmail her and ruin her career and family. 
- If she tells her husband about the affair (all about it) the POSOM will ruin her career and her family will be ruined.
- If she leaves her husband, she will ruin her family. The POSOM will eventually choose his girlfriend or next 'tart' over the OP and she will have lost her husband and family. 

There is really no good outcome for this story.


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## CantSitStill

Right now she is in fantasyland over her OM but I'm sure things will come to a head soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty

Its impossible for Torn to come out of gagaland unless she decides to, and that begs for one of two actions, telling her husband the truth and NC or divorcing him for the OM.


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## CantSitStill

Maybe if her hubby steps up and kicks her butt to the curb she will wake up..When I was in the fog my husband kicked me out and I'll be darned the OM quit talking to me (he was mad that I told lol) but anyway..having that time living at my sister's house alone allowed me to do some real thinking. It got so bad I was ready to check into the mental ward. Long story
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity

Torn has a very lucrative career and she's in for a big promotion soon, that's why she hasn't resigned.


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## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> Torn has a very lucrative career and she's in for a big promotion soon, that's why she hasn't resigned.


Ooh, yeah. Big choice. Husband and daughter v job and blackmailing SOB POSOM. Oh, now... what should she choose?

really? Torn thinks there's a choice?


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## Complexity

MattMatt said:


> Ooh, yeah. Big choice. Husband and daughter v job and blackmailing SOB POSOM. Oh, now... what should she choose?
> 
> really? Torn thinks there's a choice?


You bet. However I can guarantee the OM will get her fired out spite if she doesn't "comply", he's already threatened to do so. I feel bad for her in a way, but still can't wrap my mind around how she can actually love this scumbag.


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## CantSitStill

let her learn the hard way..she's gonna lose her job, the OM And her husband
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

She thinks this OM is her only hope...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt

CantSitStill said:


> let her learn the hard way..she's gonna lose her job, the OM And her husband
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe even her daughter, too. If not now, later. "What, mom? You divorced my dad because a blackmailing slime told you to? 'Bye, mom! Don't want to know you, any more!"


----------



## t_hopper_2012

warlock07 said:


> Here is the plan. You mind is too messed up to make any rational decisions
> 
> 1) Go NC with the OM
> 
> 2)Try fixing the marriage wholeheartedly for your kid if not for the H. She needs her whole family
> 
> 3) Divorce amicably if everything else fails
> 
> Start dating other men.
> 
> If you have a sister or a close friend you can confide in, do it.
> 
> 
> The OM is full of red flags. He is clingy and seems to have attachment and control issues. It is like jumping from a frying pan into fire. OM is never a choice. You are just enjoying being the center of his attention too much. Just don't so it, ok?


Just to be clear, don't start dating other men until after you have a) tried wholeheartedly to fix your marriage and b) if that fails, completed the divorce process.


----------



## CantSitStill

Yeah don't think you should be dating other men..so number 3 would just make it all worse
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad

Torn,
What's happening to you is probably one of the most difficult things you are trying to cope with in your life. You feel in limbo. You know right from wrong. But you can't stop thinking of the OM. It's like a drug. It's an addiction isn't it? My ex-wife described All these things to me while she was in the fog. She loved me but was in love with the OM. I tried MC, trying to meet her needs,etc. But it didn't matter. Because she was caught in the fog. Wanna know what happened? The POSOM gave up. It was too stressful for him. Then my ex lost her job because the OM was a business associate to where she worked. She had a nervous breakdown from it all and moved out. She lives in another state. Depressed and lost. She lost her job, her home, her kids(the kids live with me), and her friends. She believed the aftermath of the affair was too much to handle. She now lives with some BF. But she's still not happy. You see, your unhappiness does not come from your husband. It comes from within you. Only you can make yourself happy again. And as much as you **** ed things up, it's not too late to do the right thing. Don't make the same mistake my ex made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Houstondad said:


> Torn,
> What's happening to you is probably one of the most difficult things you are trying to cope with in your life. You feel in limbo. You know right from wrong. But you can't stop thinking of the OM. It's like a drug. It's an addiction isn't it? My ex-wife described All these things to me while she was in the fog. She loved me but was in love with the OM. I tried MC, trying to meet her needs,etc. But it didn't matter. Because she was caught in the fog. Wanna know what happened? The POSOM gave up. It was too stressful for him. Then my ex lost her job because the OM was a business associate to where she worked. She had a nervous breakdown from it all and moved out. She lives in another state. Depressed and lost. She lost her job, her home, her kids(the kids live with me), and her friends. She believed the aftermath of the affair was too much to handle. She now lives with some BF. But she's still not happy. You see, your unhappiness does not come from your husband. It comes from within you. Only you can make yourself happy again. And as much as you **** ed things up, it's not too late to do the right thing. Don't make the same mistake my ex made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Houston,
Thank you for sound advice. My H booked a hotel (room service, dinner date, shopping, comedy clubs and bars) for both of us on the weekend. (We just came back today from the trip). I focus my “whole” attention solely to him throughout this trip. No crying baby, no work related stress, NO OM (phone off the whole time) it was just him and I.

I observed the disparity in behavior between my H and the OM. For example: My H likes everything simplified, he dislikes bars that are overcrowded, cinema with tights spaces, extremely annoyed with rowdy crowds and my H prefers to keep his resentment and anger to himself when irritated. 
During this trip, I came to know the aspect of my husband that I really love: Thoughtfulness, forgiving, introvert but a clown deep inside and family oriented.

The OM is exactly like me, an extrovert: outgoing, we both like crowds, we don’t mind tight spaces for the sake of entertainment, both of us likes to voice out our frustration when angry and irritated. The result of our similarity is devastating however, because we elicit the best and worst out of each other. Our fight includes threats, hatred, we can be extremely loud (pissing match) and someday, we both could end up incorporating violence (him hitting me).

I understand that I am in fog and I take pleasure in dopamine high that I crave at the moment. But I wouldn’t want to be with someone (the OM) who would make me unhappy, hurt and would be the reason of me losing everything, my H, daughter and my family.


----------



## cledus_snow

why are you even comparing the two? to gauge which one is the better fit?

there should be no comparisons. 


sounds to me like your making a checklist, so you can justify staying with your hubby, as opposed as letting your so-called "love" for him win you over.


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## Shaggy

Torn - have you stopped having sex with the OM? Did you have sex when you met him this week.

I'm not asking because I've a perv - I am asking because if you are still having sex with him YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND. It's not fair to him in any way to be having sex with the OM while hubby plays the R game. 

That's a false R, and it's what I really fear you are currently offering your husband right now.

It also means you husband is in a three way relationship and he needs to know that so he can choose honestly to stop.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

cledus_snow said:


> why are you even comparing the two? to gauge which one is the better fit?
> 
> there should be no comparisons.
> 
> 
> sounds to me like your making a checklist, so you can justify staying with your hubby, as opposed as letting your so-called "love" for him win you over.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Cledus, I couldn't agree more. There should be no comparison whatsoever. Also, I think she fails to recognize that the OM just might be feeding her a load of bull in his likes and dislikes. If she leaves her husband for him then she'll see the 'real' man behind this facade. He's using one of the oldest tricks in the salesman's book -- mirror your customer and get them to like you.


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## Acabado

> For example: My H likes everything simplified, he....
> 
> The OM is exactly like me, an extrovert: .....


As you are only thinking now about immediate self gratification you can't possibly grasp at his but this what is going on has nothing to do with whom your are with but who you are. Ther are millions potential life partners outhere, every one with his things.
As you are describing OM's shortcomings and psychology I get bored. What if OM is not only perfectly compatible but wealthy, physically irresistible... Does it change a thing? The fact he's a guy who doesn't mind to mess with a married woman and a mother. A man who doesn't mind blackmail to get what he wants. End off. Again there're millions potential partners that won't do it. It might be your husband (if you let him) or anyboy else, but NOT OM. Ever.

It's so sad seeing you looking at the wrong things.
Please, go total NC, confess your poor husbad, ask for a chance. If you are given one after a complete disclosure give your self, to your family, a serious chance. How coud you face the mirror at those places he chose to try to please you (which way the way you appear to completely dismiss) when he has no idea what's going on in HIS own life? Don't fool him anymore. If you don't want do the right things then tell your husband he doesn't need to try a thing, file for divorce, be as fair as you can and move on.


----------



## TBT

You talk about your similarities with OM.How much alike are you really? If the roles were reversed and you were a single woman could you see yourself actively pursuing a married man with a young family in crisis and when asked to step away would you resort to blackmail to get what you wanted? If not,then why not?


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## TDSC60

TIME OUT!!!!!!

Did I read that little blurb right - OM HIT YOU? You put it in there like it was a foot-note.

He has been physically violent with you and you are still having thoughts about him?

Wow.

Edit - Re-read - you said could end up hitting you. OK if you think that is even a possibility and you keep engaging with OM then all I can say is you will eventually get what you are looking for.


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## Shaggy

What the deal here? You seem to be playing your husband, getting his hopes up and doing everything you can to make the OM happy and to see the OM as your dream.

Honestly it sounds like you aren't even trying anymore. Is this a false R?


----------



## Acabado

> I focus my “whole” attention solely to him throughout this trip. No crying baby, no work related stress, NO OM (phone off the whole time) it was just him and I.


This led me believe you are not only aviable but in contact with OM practicaly every moment of the day. Then your husband makes a huge effort to court you (while being in the dark) and you, graciously, for the evening, cut off OM so you can pretend you are focused on rebuild your marriage, giving the marriage a chance. No wonder you were basicaly comparing both men and obviously telling your self how unapealing is your BH if you put him against such a compatible OM.
Did you told OM afterwards how boring was the night?


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## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> H NO OM (phone off the whole time) it was just him and I.


So you are back in full contact with the OM after all. 

Why isn't you husband taking action against the OM at this point such as exposing him to the OLD HR? Yes he left, in fact he seemed to get a new job overnight almost.


----------



## carpenoctem

Houstondad said:


> Torn,
> What's happening to you is probably one of the most difficult things you are trying to cope with in your life. You feel in limbo. You know right from wrong. But you can't stop thinking of the OM. It's like a drug. It's an addiction isn't it? My ex-wife described All these things to me while she was in the fog. She loved me but was in love with the OM. I tried MC, trying to meet her needs,etc. But it didn't matter. Because she was caught in the fog. Wanna know what happened? The POSOM gave up. It was too stressful for him. Then my ex lost her job because the OM was a business associate to where she worked. She had a nervous breakdown from it all and moved out. She lives in another state. Depressed and lost. She lost her job, her home, her kids(the kids live with me), and her friends. She believed the aftermath of the affair was too much to handle. She now lives with some BF. But she's still not happy. You see, your unhappiness does not come from your husband. It comes from within you. Only you can make yourself happy again. And as much as you **** ed things up, it's not too late to do the right thing. Don't make the same mistake my ex made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Houstondad: please post this once again, in ALL CAPS.


----------



## warlock07

> The OM is exactly like me, an extrovert: outgoing, we both like crowds, we don’t mind tight spaces for the sake of entertainment, both of us likes to voice out our frustration when angry and irritated. The result of our similarity is devastating however, because we elicit the best and worst out of each other. Our fight includes threats, hatred, we can be extremely loud (pissing match) and someday, we both could end up incorporating violence (him hitting me).


You both have one more in common. Cheating on your H!!

You think he will physical assault you and yet you speak fondly of him. What is wrong with you woman? Why is the OM even relevant here? I hope you regain your senses here. This is so so wrong. You go to a trip with your H and your first instinct is to compare both of them?


----------



## warlock07

TBT, the fog is not an excuse. You are an adult. Can I argue that I was in a fog when I raped that woman? Or I was drunk when I accidentally ran over a pedestrian. You are exactly doing the same to your H feelings. Raping and running over his heart. Is that justifiable? being in fog is not a cop out. The repercussions will be real for your H.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> Torn - have you stopped having sex with the OM? Did you have sex when you met him this week.
> 
> I'm not asking because I've a perv - I am asking because if you are still having sex with him YOU NEED TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND. It's not fair to him in any way to be having sex with the OM while hubby plays the R game.
> 
> That's a false R, and it's what I really fear you are currently offering your husband right now.
> 
> It also means you husband is in a three way relationship and he needs to know that so he can choose honestly to stop.


Shaggy,

When I agree to meet with the OM, my sole intention was to elucidate the situation. He said that “If I want to get you in trouble, I have all the text and phone calls between us recorded”. I was terrified. He could do anything with that information: My Job, my family, and my husband. I told my husband about the affair, but there’s no reason for the OM to further inflict pain on my H by revealing phone calls and text messages we had during the affair. 

I told the OM that I no longer want to continue with the affair because I love my husband. The OM was tone-deaf with my plea, he hugged me (I pushed him away). He said he loves me and it would make his life a living hell without me in his life. 
He said that D is my only option and that he would marry me if I D.

The OM is moving to New York (he accepted another job) and he wanted me to live with him there. He is also adamant that he could provide for me and my daughter. He said that I would have a house in NY, a nice car, vacation and all. He knows that my H and I are not very wealthy, we both have to work to maintain a good place to live and I still have to pay for my student loans. He said that if I D, I wouldn’t be in debt for he will provide a lawyer for the D, he would pay for my student loans and that he would talk to my H about settling our differences.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> As you are only thinking now about immediate self gratification you can't possibly grasp at his but this what is going on has nothing to do with whom your are with but who you are. Ther are millions potential life partners outhere, every one with his things.
> As you are describing OM's shortcomings and psychology I get bored. What if OM is not only perfectly compatible but wealthy, physically irresistible... Does it change a thing? The fact he's a guy who doesn't mind to mess with a married woman and a mother. A man who doesn't mind blackmail to get what he wants. End off. Again there're millions potential partners that won't do it. It might be your husband (if you let him) or anyboy else, but NOT OM. Ever.
> 
> It's so sad seeing you looking at the wrong things.
> Please, go total NC, confess your poor husbad, ask for a chance. If you are given one after a complete disclosure give your self, to your family, a serious chance. How coud you face the mirror at those places he chose to try to please you (which way the way you appear to completely dismiss) when he has no idea what's going on in HIS own life? Don't fool him anymore. If you don't want do the right things then tell your husband he doesn't need to try a thing, file for divorce, be as fair as you can and move on.


I made a conscious mistake of cheating. I was wrong and I am still wrong. I don’t know what to do with my life. I was lonely, now I am in total limbo. I love my husband but I constantly think of the OM.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy,
> 
> When I agree to meet with the OM, my sole intention was to elucidate the situation. He said that “If I want to get you in trouble, I have all the text and phone calls between us recorded”. I was terrified. He could do anything with that information: My Job, my family, and my husband. I told my husband about the affair, but there’s no reason for the OM to further inflict pain on my H by revealing phone calls and text messages we had during the affair.
> 
> I told the OM that I no longer want to continue with the affair because I love my husband. The OM was tone-deaf with my plea, he hugged me (I pushed him away). He said he loves me and it would make his life a living hell without me in his life.
> He said that D is my only option and that he would marry me if I D.
> 
> The OM is moving to New York (he accepted another job) and he wanted me to live with him there. He is also adamant that he could provide for me and my daughter. He said that I would have a house in NY, a nice car, vacation and all. He knows that my H and I are not very wealthy, we both have to work to maintain a good place to live and I still have to pay for my student loans. He said that if I D, I wouldn’t be in debt for he will provide a lawyer for the D, he would pay for my student loans and that he would talk to my H about settling our differences.


You didn't directly answer if you gave in or not in the end.

A couple of problems here:

1. If you told your husband you've been having a PA with the OM, then what could be possibly tell your husband at this point? You should be 100% open to your husband and telling him the full truth of the affair and answering ALL his questions. There are no private secrets between you and the OM - everything must be open to your husband. 

2. If the OM wanted you divorced, and he had really nasty stuff on you, then why wouldn't he reveal it NOW to your husband? If you fear it so much, would your husband not divorce you ? See this doesn't make sense. 

3. Is the daughter your husbands? What I mean is, if you did D, and did move to NY you likely couldn't take your daughter with out. You might get occasional visits by her, but the courts tend to want to maintain the world the child nows - including schools if possible. So your husband likely could pursue custody that would keep her in your current state.

4. So let me get this next part right: You don't want to quit your current job. You don't want to tell HR because it might get you fired. So you refused to quit because of your affair. YET, if you moved to NY with OM - you would be giving up your job. So you'd be willing to quit your job for OM, but not for your marriage or husband.

---

What is the current status of you and the OM?


----------



## warlock07

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy,
> 
> When I agree to meet with the OM, my sole intention was to elucidate the situation. He said that “If I want to get you in trouble, I have all the text and phone calls between us recorded”. I was terrified. He could do anything with that information: My Job, my family, and my husband. I told my husband about the affair, but there’s no reason for the OM to further inflict pain on my H by revealing phone calls and text messages we had during the affair.
> 
> I told the OM that I no longer want to continue with the affair because I love my husband. The OM was tone-deaf with my plea, he hugged me (I pushed him away). He said he loves me and it would make his life a living hell without me in his life.
> He said that D is my only option and that he would marry me if I D.
> 
> The OM is moving to New York (he accepted another job) and he wanted me to live with him there. He is also adamant that he could provide for me and my daughter. He said that I would have a house in NY, a nice car, vacation and all. He knows that my H and I are not very wealthy, we both have to work to maintain a good place to live and I still have to pay for my student loans. He said that if I D, I wouldn’t be in debt for he will provide a lawyer for the D, he would pay for my student loans and that he would talk to my H about settling our differences.


So now you want to leave because he will give you money and a house? Do you know what that makes you?

Imagine your mother doing the same. Taking you away from your father because the other man provided her a house. This is getting ridiculous. You are in IC right? Something's wrong with your head now. The OM situation is becoming abusive fast.


----------



## warlock07

Oh, and trust entirely what he says. Because he cannot lie, right? He is a man with high character and integrity that you cannot even doubt him.(Abuser, stalker, blackmailer, cheating with married woman, whatelse?) The moment you drop your H, he will sign over his entire assets over to you. Right!!


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> You didn't directly answer if you gave in or not in the end.
> 
> A couple of problems here:
> 
> 1. If you told your husband you've been having a PA with the OM, then what could be possibly tell your husband at this point? You should be 100% open to your husband and telling him the full truth of the affair and answering ALL his questions. There are no private secrets between you and the OM - everything must be open to your husband.


*I told my H about the PA, it was a short time. The text between OM and I were about our feelings for each other. It was something my H would not be able to absorb.*
2. If the OM wanted you divorced, and he had really nasty stuff on you, then why wouldn't he reveal it NOW to your husband? If you fear it so much, would your husband not divorce you ? See this doesn't make sense. [/QUOTE]
*My Mom, dad and relatives doesn't know about the affair, my husband wouldn't say anything to them but I was affraid the OM would.*
3. Is the daughter your husbands? What I mean is, if you did D, and did move to NY you likely couldn't take your daughter with out. You might get occasional visits by her, but the courts tend to want to maintain the world the child nows - including schools if possible. So your husband likely could pursue custody that would keep her in your current state.
[/QUOTE] *Yes, my daughter is my H. I am not going to D my H nor am I contemplating to anymore.*


4. So let me get this next part right: You don't want to quit your current job. You don't want to tell HR because it might get you fired. So you refused to quit because of your affair. YET, if you moved to NY with OM - you would be giving up your job. So you'd be willing to quit your job for OM, but not for your marriage or husband.[/QUOTE] I will not leave my job.

---

What is the current status of you and the OM?[/QUOTE]

*He thinks there's still hope. I blocked his number on my phone.*


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Oh, and trust entirely what he says. Because he cannot lie, right? He is a man with high character and integrity that you cannot even doubt him.(Abuser, stalker, blackmailer, cheating with married woman, whatelse?) The moment you drop your H, he will sign over his entire assets over to you. Right!!


Warlock,

I had a full blown affair with the OM (EA and PA) Our affair was mostly emotional. My H believes that my affair was due to his lack of sexual incompetence in our marriage. But I am beginning to realize that my H and I grew apart, wide apart. I will fight for my H. I love him and I am willing to be in love with him again. I pray every night that my love for my husband will come back so that niether of us will suffer no more.


----------



## MadeInMichigan

Please leave the poor man alone....your husband, I mean.


----------



## warlock07

Are you in IC? You are in an utterly confused and panicked state. You need help. And the OM is sabotaging whatever sanity you have left.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

yourself and husband grew apart so you had an affair. You are not in love with your husband, but he realizes his part in the bad marriage and is madly in love with you now. But he dont know the complete truth, you are afraid that if he find the whole truth he will D you.

Why cant you leave your husband and be with OM, when you are not in love with H and resent him for lack of sex and problems in your marriage.

Why are you staying in the marriage? You don't love your husband as he deserve as a H, so is it only because of the child? Dont stay in the marriage for the sake of kid.

I think your husband deserve a faithful wife who is *in love* with him.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy,
> 
> When I agree to meet with the OM, my sole intention was to elucidate the situation. He said that “If I want to get you in trouble, I have all the text and phone calls between us recorded”


Madam ,call his bluff more often than not bullies can't follow through, he'd be ruining his own reputation within the establishment and let me point out that more than one employee has sued and settled out of court with more than one exec.




> I was terrified. He could do anything with that information: My Job, my family, and my husband. I told my husband about the affair, but there’s no reason for the OM to further inflict pain on my H by revealing phone calls and text messages we had during the affair.


No, the only reason you want those phone calls to be a secret is not to hurt your husband but to prevent him from learning the whole truth and dumping you. Give us some credit, we've seen more than one case such as yours, this is a typical remorseless cheater's script.



> I told the OM that I no longer want to continue with the affair because I love my husband. The OM was tone-deaf with my plea, he hugged me (I pushed him away).* He said he loves me and it would make his life a living hell without me in his life.*
> He said that D is my only option and that he would marry me if I D.


Hello? Did I just read that correctly? If he does *LOVE* you, whatever skewed definition that your rationalization hamster is feeding you with regards to the above, he'd leave you alone. That is exactly the kind of love that your husband will show you once the sh!t hits the fan and be warned torn its getting there. 



> The OM is moving to New York (he accepted another job) and he wanted me to live with him there. He is also adamant that he could provide for me and my daughter. He said that I would have a house in NY, a nice car, vacation and all. He knows that my H and I are not very wealthy, we both have to work to maintain a good place to live and I still have to pay for my student loans. He said that if I D, I wouldn’t be in debt for he will provide a lawyer for the D, he would pay for my student loans and that he would talk to my H about settling our differences.


By all means go and live with your sugar daddy. And they lived happily ever after....................... till the OM found another married woman, the saga continues


----------



## warlock07

"I will expose you if you don't comeback to me" What kind of abuser is her? Most abusive relations start small. He started right in middle. He is blackmailing her. One posters wife even got raped in one such circumstances. His promises are outlandish. This OM sounds desperate and dangerous. please be careful. I wouldn't be surprised if he threatens suicide if you won't come back. If he does do that, call 911 immediately


----------



## badbane

Okay finally caught up. 
Why are you still talking to this OM. 
Sweetheart like he said it before " You are just somebody to ****"
This guy is probably narcissistic an doesn't know how to deal with rejection. To him you are attractive only because he can't have you. The minute he gets you, you will be dead to him. 

Also he has another girlfriend that he hid from you. So your entire fantasy relationship with him was not even monogamous. I mean he literally told you that you were nothing to him but a good lay. He told you that he was with other women and that you aren't important to him.
Yes you are in the fog you put yourself back there by talking with this OM. You need to come clean about the EA as well as the PA. At this point the only way is to tell him what you wrote to his OM. Tell him that it wasn't just a PA. Tell him that you felt neglected and that you did something stupid. You will not be able to move forward until you get everything out. If you are withholding anything at this point you are doing nothing but making things worse. You admitted to the affair. Not tell him everything so you and he can get past this. 

If this really loved you he would be trying to win you back. He would be buying you flowers, offering to take you out to lunch, and making life easy as pie for you. Instead he is blackmailing you, and harassing you in an attempt to put you into an emotionally compromised position. A position he plans to use to exploit you and likely try to bend you over his desk.
" I have all this **** on you. If you don't meet me at XXXX time tomorrow at XXXx location ,and do what I tell you, your H finds out everything."
Then guess what you end up screwing the guy again. 
He is just playing you like a guitar. Instead of getting pissed about this. You just let him play you.

No I don't think your H was right for with holding sex and might as well have laid out the red carpet for the A to start. 
I think he is lying to. Honestly it would not surprise me if he had an A as well. Whether it was an EA or PA doesn't matter. Barring emotional, mental, or biological issues I don't see how your H was getting by without an outlet. (his right hand is not the same thing) 

I don't get how he was punishing you for working. That seems very convenient and it seems like it wasn't until D came out that things changed. I mean 8 times a week to nothing. Can you say giant RED FLAG.
I could see punishing you for working too much for a few months but, 5 years or so. That's crap. 

I would definitely look deeper into this with your MC. Hone in on it and uncover what the F happened then. So you can fix what the hell started you both down this road.

My next question is about your marriage. 
Has it improved and are you now knocking boots three times a week? 
Has your husband changed for you?
Are you happier now with your marriage?

If the answer is yes to the above then why did you talk to the OM again. As soon as you realized it was him you should have hung up the phone. 

You keep talking about your daughter this and she's the fulcrum in the marriage. That is disheartening to me because marriage is built on love between H and W. If there is no love then it is a facade. 
Your daughter will eventually figure out that you and your H are not in love. 

For the Love of all that is holy please do not use the I'm in love with you but I am not in love with you line on TAM. We even have a shortened version IMLWYBNILWY. 
You should see the illogic in this. If you love someone for a long time the puppy love is going to fade off and then you really have to learn to love them. 

Why did you wait so long to actually do something to fix your marriage? Writing letters and explaining feelings is great but it wasn't working.
Why did you let your marriage get to the point that you had to bang someone else? 
These are the real questions I want answered more for myself. I just don't get how two people could bury their heads in the sand for so long, and not expect something terrible to happen.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Warlock,
> 
> I had a full blown affair with the OM (EA and PA) Our affair was mostly emotional. My H believes that my affair was due to his lack of sexual incompetence in our marriage. But I am beginning to realize that my H and I grew apart, wide apart. I will fight for my H. I love him and I am willing to be in love with him again. I pray every night that my love for my husband will come back so that niether of us will suffer no more.


Then you must educate your husband about the EA part, specifically that this wasn't just sex. Otherwise you husband is going to be fighting the wrong battle with you.

As for the exposure to family, I and others have urged you to work with your husband to fully expose the affair. This isn't done to humiliate or punish you. It is done for many other reasons, including preventing it from being used against you....just like he has successfully done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I made a conscious mistake of cheating. *I was wrong and I am still wrong*. I don’t know what to do with my life. I was lonely, now I am in total limbo. *I love my husband but I constantly think of the OM.*





Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> *Yes, my daughter is my H. I am not going to D my H nor am I contemplating to anymore.*



You think constantly about the OM but you wont divorce your husband.

Interesting! I would think one day your husband will resolve this for you.


I can see, though, that you have made progress by admitting you're in the wrong -- a small step at a time.


----------



## Acabado

Friend, you know well how it's going to play, don't you? You are trying desperately run this three ring circus but deep down you know you can't, you are not at control of anything. Stress will kill you. You can't think clearly about anything by your own admission. Don't let fear rule your life. Start having some control.
All the meat has to be put over the table. Put light into this sordid secrets. Confess to your husband the whole enchilada, the emotional attachment, the extent of the affair, the blackmail, your confussion, your conflicted emotions, the out of control and compulsivity state. Do it not only out of respect but for you. Even if OM finnaly give up and goes away, this huge secret will stop any kind of meaningful marriage with your husband. You can't possibly let him in. Surrender. Let the chips fall where they may.
Speak the truth, clean your soul, ask him for help, even if it's out of selfishness.
Then, no matter what, commit yourself to not break contact with OM except for a last NC letter outlining your confession, reiterate your will to not contact hium ever again and warn him about potential legal consequencies if he choose not honor your wishes of NC.

Sending you clarity and strength to do what needs to be done.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

badbane said:


> Okay finally caught up.
> Why are you still talking to this OM.


I don't know. I feel like I need some "closure", I was also terrified with his threats. I really need to device a plan to fix my dillemma.




badbane said:


> Sweetheart like he said it before " You are just somebody to ****"
> This guy is probably narcissistic an doesn't know how to deal with rejection. To him you are attractive only because he can't have you. The minute he gets you, you will be dead to him.
> 
> Also he has another girlfriend that he hid from you. So your entire fantasy relationship with him was not even monogamous. I mean he literally told you that you were nothing to him but a good lay. He told you that he was with other women and that you aren't important to him.
> Yes you are in the fog you put yourself back there by talking with this OM. You need to come clean about the EA as well as the PA. At this point the only way is to tell him what you wrote to his OM. Tell him that it wasn't just a PA. Tell him that you felt neglected and that you did something stupid. You will not be able to move forward until you get everything out. If you are withholding anything at this point you are doing nothing but making things worse. You admitted to the affair. Not tell him everything so you and he can get past this.
> 
> If this really loved you he would be trying to win you back. He would be buying you flowers, offering to take you out to lunch, and making life easy as pie for you. Instead he is blackmailing you, and harassing you in an attempt to put you into an emotionally compromised position. A position he plans to use to exploit you and likely try to bend you over his desk.
> " I have all this **** on you. If you don't meet me at XXXX time tomorrow at XXXx location ,and do what I tell you, your H finds out everything."
> Then guess what you end up screwing the guy again.
> He is just playing you like a guitar. Instead of getting pissed about this. You just let him play you.


 I did not believe everything he says to me. I was unhappy, he took advantage. I am in a fog but I can still reason.



badbane said:


> No I don't think your H was right for with holding sex and might as well have laid out the red carpet for the A to start.
> I think he is lying to. Honestly it would not surprise me if he had an A as well. Whether it was an EA or PA doesn't matter. Barring emotional, mental, or biological issues I don't see how your H was getting by without an outlet. (his right hand is not the same thing)
> 
> I don't get how he was punishing you for working. That seems very convenient and it seems like it wasn't until D came out that things changed. I mean 8 times a week to nothing. Can you say giant RED FLAG.
> I could see punishing you for working too much for a few months but, 5 years or so. That's crap.
> 
> I would definitely look deeper into this with your MC. Hone in on it and uncover what the F happened then. So you can fix what the hell started you both down this road.


I am looking into this (a long time ago) I just couldn't find proof that he was cheating. Before I cheated, some three years or so ago when he stops initiating sex, I was suspecting something was going on. A woman he work with text and calls him a lot, quite a lot actually. I was always jealous of her but I DO NOT HAVE ANY PROOF OF ANY WRONG DOING ON HIS END. The other night, I saw some text that was very wierd to begin with: qoute "Torn is in Boston for two days for work, I'm home alone sxcks" Her response "That Blws" the next day "Where do you want to eat, downtown or home?" Her response " Home"



badbane said:


> My next question is about your marriage.
> Has it improved and are you now knocking boots three times a week?
> Has your husband changed for you?
> Are you happier now with your marriage?
> 
> If the answer is yes to the above then why did you talk to the OM again. As soon as you realized it was him you should have hung up the phone.
> 
> You keep talking about your daughter this and she's the fulcrum in the marriage. That is disheartening to me because marriage is built on love between H and W. If there is no love then it is a facade.
> Your daughter will eventually figure out that you and your H are not in love. .


 I love my daughter so much, she's the reason why I stayed married to my H. I am trying to stay in love with him for the sake of my daughter.



badbane said:


> For the Love of all that is holy please do not use the I'm in love with you but I am not in love with you line on TAM. We even have a shortened version IMLWYBNILWY.
> You should see the illogic in this. If you love someone for a long time the puppy love is going to fade off and then you really have to learn to love them.
> 
> Why did you wait so long to actually do something to fix your marriage? Writing letters and explaining feelings is great but it wasn't working.
> Why did you let your marriage get to the point that you had to bang someone else?
> These are the real questions I want answered more for myself. I just don't get how two people could bury their heads in the sand for so long, and not expect something terrible to happen.


The affair happen so quick, I don't even have time to respond. I just went through the current without thinking, my emotional state of mind went with it as well. I do not know how and why, but it just happen. 

I tried so hard to change my husband attitude in our marriage. I told him that I am young, I can only wait for so long. I did everything I can but I felt like I was doing it all on my own.


----------



## Complexity

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> he would pay for my student loans and that* he would talk to my H about settling our differences*.


What a complete scumbag , that made my blood boil. 

The nerve on this parasite.


----------



## MattMatt

And let's not forget, that he wants your daughter! Sorry, no, he wants to _*provide*_ for your daughter! Ha ha! Sorry, that must have made him sound like a real pervert! Oh, wait... Megan's Law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

*Yeah, because, like, you can really trust this affair having, blackmailing, potentially violent man, right?*


----------



## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> What a complete scumbag , that made my blood boil.
> 
> The nerve on this parasite.


Jesus! OMG! That just freaked me out!  Settle differences between him and your husband? That sounds like a threat to your husband's safety! 

*OM might be thinking of having your husband killed! And I am NOT joking!
*


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

MattMatt said:


> Jesus! OMG! That just freaked me out!  Settle differences between him and your husband? That sounds like a threat to your husband's safety!
> 
> *OM might be thinking of having your husband killed! And I am NOT joking!
> *


That's not what he meant. The OM wants me to D my H, he also wants to talk to him about how to proceed with this D in a way that wouldn't ruined my relationship with my family. The conversation went like this:

OM: If you are to D your husband, I will provide for a lawyer to help you and guide you through this process

OM: I am willing to talk to your H to settle whatever problems we have, I believe you and him can D without causing too much stressed and drama in your life


I told him how important my mom and dad is for me, I wouldnt want to drag them into this.


----------



## Shaggy

A plan to fix you dilemma? 

1. Actual NC with OM
2. Come clean at work to HR about both of you
3. Tell the full truth about the affair to H
4. Tell H full truth going forward
5. Come clean to family on what you've done and that you are actually remorseful
6. Be actually remorseful
7. Serious counseling,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Why do I have the sudden urge to shove a hot poker in my eye sockets? 

TornBetweenTheTwo...you take the cake...in more ways than one.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

MattMatt said:


> And let's not forget, that he wants your daughter! Sorry, no, he wants to _*provide*_ for your daughter! Ha ha! Sorry, that must have made him sound like a real pervert! Oh, wait... Megan's Law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> *Yeah, because, like, you can really trust this affair having, blackmailing, potentially violent man, right?*


Matt, Please know that I am not leaving my H for him. He's moving to New York next week, I may not see him ever again specially, he would be some 2 hours or so away from me. Hopefully, he will find the happiness he's looking for. He will never find it from me, my life is too complicated as it is.


----------



## Complexity

MattMatt said:


> Jesus! OMG! That just freaked me out!  Settle differences between him and your husband? That sounds like a threat to your husband's safety!
> 
> *OM might be thinking of having your husband killed! And I am NOT joking!
> *


It's not about harming her H, he essentially wants tell her husband how to be "civil" about him taking away his wife and tearing apart his family. Good grief Torn, this man doesn't have an iota of morals.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> A plan to fix you dilemma?
> 
> 1. Actual NC with OM
> 2. Come clean at work to HR about both of you
> 3. Tell the full truth about the affair to H
> 4. Tell H full truth going forward
> 5. Come clean to family on what you've done and that you are actually remorseful
> 6. Be actually remorseful
> 7. Serious counseling,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Shaggy,
I will try my very best to go full NC
I can't go to HR, OM is no longer employed where I work. I will only hurt my self.


----------



## bandit.45

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Matt, Please know that I am not leaving my H for him. He's moving to New York next week, I may not see him ever again specially, he would be some *2 hours* or so away from me. Hopefully, he will find the happiness he's looking for. He will never find it from me, my life is too complicated as it is.


Torn....

I drive 2 hours just to get my dog food once a week. 

C'mon.....means nothing.


----------



## MattMatt

Why, oh why do I feel like screaming very, very loudly? And shouting *RAH!!!!!!!!!!!*?

The OM wants to tell the husband to be a nice, civilised, cuckold wimp? So that husband can crawl away into a hole somewhere, to vanish without so much as a whimper, so that OM can keep performing acts of carnal congress with her, as if there were no tomorrow?

Maybe he will pay husband to go away? Perhaps he will even pay for a hooker to take the edge of husband's loss of a spouse?

F**k it to Hell. Now I am developing a bloody migraine!:FIREdevil:


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> Why, oh why do I feel like screaming very, very loudly? And shouting *RAH!!!!!!!!!!!*?
> 
> The OM wants to tell the husband to be a nice, civilised, cuckold wimp? So that husband can crawl away into a hole somewhere, to vanish without so much as a whimper, so that OM can keep performing acts of carnal congress with her, as if there were no tomorrow?
> 
> Maybe he will pay husband to go away? Perhaps he will even pay for a hooker to take the edge of husband's loss of a spouse?
> 
> F**k it to Hell. Now I am developing a bloody migraine!:FIREdevil:


Go drink a pint MattMatt. You'll be ok.


----------



## Complexity

Make that 2


----------



## aug

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Matt, Please know that I am not leaving my H for him.* He's moving to New York next week, I may not see him ever again specially, he would be some 2 hours or so away from me.* Hopefully, he will find the happiness he's looking for. He will never find it from me, my life is too complicated as it is.



I think this calls for a special get-together for the goodbye. Dont forget to hide all indications from your husband.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Matt, Please know that I am not leaving my H for him. He's moving to New York next week, I may not see him ever again specially, he would be some 2 hours or so away from me. Hopefully, he will find the happiness he's looking for. He will never find it from me, my life is too complicated as it is.


That's 1 hour for each of you to meet in the middle, so I'm not buying that he's out if reach. I do worry that since you aren't in NC that you will give him some goodbye o, couple for the road encounters as you really don't seem to be saying no to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> Make that 2


Too late! Pubs are closed! Now drinking a nice hot chocolate. After an interlude to go and check in the street because my wife thought she might have heard a cat get run over outside. And that's only ONE of the many reasons why I love my wife so much! 

Aha. I have a bottle of Scotch. Just one little nip should help! Actually, two shot glasses full and I do feel somewhat calmer!


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> Too late! Pubs are closed! Now drinking a nice hot chocolate. After an interlude to go and check in the street because my wife thought she might have heard a cat get run over outside. And that's only ONE of the many reasons why I love my wife so much!
> 
> Aha. I have a bottle of Scotch. Just one little nip should help! Actually, two shot glasses full and I do feel somewhat calmer!


Single malt or blended? If you say blended you are no friend of mine.


----------



## MattMatt

aug said:


> I think this calls for a special get-together for the goodbye. Dont forget to hide all indications from your husband.


And do check on who will be expected to provide birth control! Maybe he might want your husband there, too? As a nice, civilised cuckold? 

_*You DO realise that's what OM wants to do to your husband? Turn him into a cuckold, then have you divorce him as the ultimate Cuckolding slam dunk?*_


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Single malt or blended? If you say blended you are no friend of mine.


Single Malt, always, Bandit! That's the only way to go!:smthumbup:

Though I do like Maker's Mark Bourbon, too!


----------



## bandit.45

MattMatt said:


> Single Malt, always, Bandit! That's the only way to go!:smthumbup:
> 
> Though I do like Maker's Mark Bourbon, too!


Maker's Mark was my drink of choice back when I was an alkie...
I went to the distillery a few years back with my ex. She tasted every flavor they had and I had to end up carrying her passed out to the car....True story.

Now back to [severely rebuking] Torn.....


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> Maker's Mark was my drink of choice back when I was an alkie...
> I went to the distillery a few years back with my ex. She tasted every flavor they had and I had to end up carrying her passed out to the car....True story.
> 
> *Now back to being quite cross with* Torn.....


We aren't bashing Torn. (Are we?) We are really just her very good friends, trying to make her see that her OM hates her husband and really could give two flying damns about her. 

It's all so sad, really.


----------



## bandit.45

I went back and refined my comment.


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> I went back and refined my comment.


:smthumbup:


----------



## TBT

MattMatt said:


> We aren't bashing Torn. (Are we?) We are really just her very good friends, trying to make her see that her OM hates her husband and really could give two flying damns about her.
> 
> It's all so sad, really.


Really sad! Now she's going to "try" NC.Kinda wish her husband was on here 'cause he probably doesn't know half the sh*t still going on behind his back.She'll make sure the OM is still an option even if she has to lay waste to her husband.


----------



## bandit.45

TBT said:


> Really sad! Now she's going to "try" NC.Kinda wish her husband was on here 'cause he probably doesn't know half the sh*t still going on behind his back.She'll make sure the OM is still an option even if she has to lay waste to her husband.


Hell, she's the epitome of the modern woman! Oprah would adore her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Matt, Please know that I am not leaving my H for him. He's moving to New York next week, I may not see him ever again specially, he would be some 2 hours or so away from me. Hopefully, he will find the happiness he's looking for. He will never find it from me, my life is too complicated as it is.


Your heart already left your husband. The rest of the body just hasn't caught up yet. I feel so bad for that guy. He doesn't see the train coming but he will feel it when it hits.


----------



## Beowulf

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Shaggy,
> I will try my very best to go full NC
> I can't go to HR, OM is no longer employed where I work. I will only hurt my self.


Don't you think you should feel the consequences of what you've done and are still doing?


----------



## anonymouskitty

Some men and women will do whatever it takes to eat cake.


----------



## Beowulf

anonymouskitty said:


> Some men and women will do whatever it takes to eat cake.


You know what eating all that cake does for you right?


----------



## Shaggy

How about inviting your husband to cme here to TAM. You should be bring an open book to him anyway so the OM can't continue to blackmail you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Torn, here's a question for you. If someone you knew confessed to you to doing to their kind, loving husband as you have done to your kind, loving husband, exactly what advice would you give them?


----------



## anonymouskitty

The advice given by members on this forum rarely helps snap a WS out of his/her affair fog, and you are still completely enmeshed in one.

I'll tell you the possible ways that cause you to snap out of it

1.Your husband discovers a breach in the NC and then takes aggressive action to divorce you.

2. Your OM is going to dump you and go NC on you because he had a change of heart(laughable at best, but even if it does transpire, I'm pretty sure you will be the pursuer in this case)and then there is a small possibility that you'll wake up to reality 

3.You leave your husband for the OM( this will most likely happen), and then you have a grand time with the OM not giving a thought about your husband until one day you wake up next to your lover and start thinking about the guy you left behind, then you'll probably run back expecting to fall back into your husband's waiting arms but too late he's already moved on as he should.And you spend the rest of your life regretting your poor choices.

4.You're going to decide to tell the whole truth to your husband regardless of how your job is going to pan out or how your life is going to end up and you're going to follow it up with the advice given by the members on this depressing website and the advice of your therapist or counselor or pastor or whoever it is you're seeing to set things right. And then you're going to go through the motions of withdrawal and then one day when your addiction is going to abate, you'll wake up and again lament on the choices you made but this will also give you an opportunity to heal and move forward in life, whatever direction it takes.


----------



## Badblood

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don't know. I feel like I need some "closure", I was also terrified with his threats. I really need to device a plan to fix my dillemma.
> 
> 
> I did not believe everything he says to me. I was unhappy, he took advantage. I am in a fog but I can still reason.
> 
> 
> 
> I am looking into this (a long time ago) I just couldn't find proof that he was cheating. Before I cheated, some three years or so ago when he stops initiating sex, I was suspecting something was going on. A woman he work with text and calls him a lot, quite a lot actually. I was always jealous of her but I DO NOT HAVE ANY PROOF OF ANY WRONG DOING ON HIS END. The other night, I saw some text that was very wierd to begin with: qoute "Torn is in Boston for two days for work, I'm home alone sxcks" Her response "That Blws" the next day "Where do you want to eat, downtown or home?" Her response " Home"
> 
> I love my daughter so much, she's the reason why I stayed married to my H. I am trying to stay in love with him for the sake of my daughter.
> 
> 
> 
> The affair happen so quick, I don't even have time to respond. I just went through the current without thinking, my emotional state of mind went with it as well. I do not know how and why, but it just happen.
> 
> I tried so hard to change my husband attitude in our marriage. I told him that I am young, I can only wait for so long. I did everything I can but I felt like I was doing it all on my own.


Torn, I really, really hope that your husband is having an affair of his own. It's about time for you to face what you have done to your family and to also see what it's like to be cheated on. Normally I don't advocate revenge affairs, but in your case, I feel that an exception can be argued. Someday (if not already) your husband is going to find out that there are lots better women out there, than you have been. Think about it, one fine day your husband is going to understand what kind of woman you are, and THEN he will start looking around and seeing all of the really good women he could be with, instead of you. Think about it.


----------



## Speed

I would like to personally thank all of you folks who have poured helpful information and insight all over this woman for her to ignore. 

It is quite an entertaining read. I like how her cheating is CAUSED by her husbands lack of sexual interest. Oh, I know, she says over and over again that she takes full responsibility for her actions, while also saying over and over again that the lack of sex in her marriage is what drove her to it. I mean, obviously she has no control over her actions and she was just along for the ride. Man.. maybe I can go rob a bank and use that for my defense.. "Sorry judge, my lack of income forced me to rob a bank. That justifies it, right?" I also enjoy how the OM goes from being the best thing in her life, to a psycho stalker, back to a caring, understanding, and compasionate person.(LOL)


For the love of God, divorce your husband. He only said no because you haven't been honest with him.

Sadly, I believe if your husband would have been a hard ass instead of going the emotional supporting route this would have ended differently.


----------



## Baffled01

Shaggy said:


> How about inviting your husband to cme here to TAM. You should be bring an open book to him anyway so the OM can't continue to blackmail you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES!TORN! I have said this before also. I think your hubby would done things differently if he had the support of this forum. 

If possible-- give one member of this forum his email address by PM. Please let someone inform your H of the truth or invite him here-- if you will not. This thread is just going in circles.

If you want closure, then the truth is the only way to accomplish that.


----------



## MattMatt

Baffled01 said:


> YES!TORN! I have said this before also. I think your hubby would done things differently if he had the support of this forum.
> 
> If possible-- give one member of this forum his email address by PM. Please let someone inform your H of the truth or invite him here-- if you will not. This thread is just going in circles.
> 
> If you want closure, then the truth is the only way to accomplish that.


Torn, send me his email address by PM. I promise you I will be very gentle with him. Seriously. The poor chap has suffered enough. Do this one, kind act for him. Please?


----------



## MattMatt

MattMatt said:


> Torn, send me his email address by PM. I promise you I will be very gentle with him. Seriously. The poor chap has suffered enough. Do this one, kind act for him. Please?


No PM yet. But I understand about time zone differences, so I will check my PM box, later this evening.


----------



## MattMatt

Torn, I think you should read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51467-my-side-story.html


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Beowulf said:


> You know what eating all that cake does for you right?


 Beowulf, please give us ample warning before posting topless pictures of the Fat Bastard.


----------



## Baffled01

MattMatt said:


> Torn, I think you should read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51467-my-side-story.html


Just read that. That what YOUR husband NEEDS to do Torn.


----------



## anonymouskitty

* They come, they see, they run*


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

I don't know what to think with the latest turn of events of my life. My H colleague had contacted me. Apparently, my H has been cheating on me for 5.7 years. He and the woman he work with (who I always suspect, I just don't have concrete proof to confront him at that time) have been sneaking behind my back all this fking years. The woman has three kids with her H. I just don't know yet what led my H colleague to rat him out, but whatever it is, I wil soon find out. I am fking upset right now. He couldn't even find a better looking woman. That bthc is atleast 10 years older and 60 lbs heavier. His life will be so fking miserable when my attorney serve him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don't know what to think with the latest turn of events of my life. My H colleague had contacted me. Apparently, my H has been cheating on me for 5.7 years. He and the woman he work with (who I always suspect, I just don't have concrete proof to confront him at that time) have been sneaking behind my back all this fking years. The woman has three kids with her H. I just don't know yet what led my H colleague to rat him out, but whatever it is, I wil soon find out. I am fking upset right now. He couldn't even find a better looking woman. That bthc is atleast 10 years older and 60 lbs heavier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you for real?.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your upset? Why?

You are currently cheating on him.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Now you can run off with your soul mate and live happily ever after 

Justifications galore.


let the Validation begin


You're doing the right thing by having an affair with the OM, please feel free to divorce your cheating husband and make merry rolling in the hay with the OM..

Whats your game lady?

Funny how your husband's colleague wants to call you up and let you know about his cheating right in the middle of your affair.

Did you for a second wonder if all this was a calculated ploy by your lover to sweep you into his arms and ride off into the sunset?

Nope, I wager not.

Why don't you admit the truth to your husband and confront him about his affair?(please collect enough evidence of his affairs before confronting him and also print out your correspondences with the OM, both of you can compare notes then )


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

mestalla guy said:


> Are you for real?.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sir, I cheated on my H for 4 months, although I wasn't being totally honest with him about the severity of the affar, I still confessed and I tried to fixed our marriage. I felt bad for what I did. He accepted (figures, because he's been doing the same for a long time) that's why he's cold in bed with me. He can go live with her, along with her 3 children, I could careless. His paying!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

You guys are unbelievable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

We probably are, but a random stranger reading this would think otherwise. Maybe your husband and you are soul mates and you don't know it yet because clearly you deserve each other and as stated time and time again you are here for validation and that is something that few would give you.

Please go here
much better place if you're looking for some mollycoddling.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Im not asking for validation. The Om and I will never be together. Im at work right now and im very upset. I just thought this is the place where I can anonymously lash out my feelings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Ok, take your time and do what you have to do but just don't go back to the OM. You might to talk to him for some comfort, but don't do it, ok? The OM has many red flags that will be bad for you and your daughter.

I'm really sorry that this happened. 

have you confronted him yet? You are in a bad state of mind. Make sure you keep your cool and don't do something foolish. Your daughter needs you.


----------



## warlock07

anonymouskitty said:


> We probably are, but a random stranger reading this would think otherwise. Maybe your husband and you are soul mates and you don't know it yet because clearly you deserve each other and as stated time and time again you are here for validation and that is something that few would give you.
> 
> Please go here
> much better place if you're looking for some mollycoddling.


Give her a break!! She just found out that he H was cheating through out the marriage


----------



## warlock07

What is your plan? 

Try gathering all the evidence that you can and find the OWH. Expose the affair to her H.

Do you have access to his email?

That he stopped physical intimacy makes a lot of sense right after the marriage makes sense. It was guilt and he was getting the necessary sex elsewhere.


----------



## anonymouskitty

warlock07 said:


> Give her a break!! She just found out that he H was cheating through out the marriage


She found out about it through a third party. So are you guys going to condemn a man who could possibly be innocent without any evidence.Gather evidence of your husband's wrongdoing OP and then you can judge him to be guilty.

Why are you all in the mindset that a person is guilty unless proven to be innocent?

If someone would have told me that my fWW was cheating on me. I'd have been shocked but I wouldn't have condemned her or for that matter believed the source without gathering enough evidence.

Ok, I'll give her a break!!. OP, what I said was in no way directed at you inanger or frustration(maybe just a little) but as an observation from a man who doesn't know you personally and whose life isn't going to be impacted one way or another by what you do or don't do(no impotent rage coming out I assure you). Please do continue posting on here so that you may enthrall us with the unfolding of this saga.


----------



## warlock07

anonymouskitty said:


> She found it out through a third party. So are you guys going to condemn a man who could possibly be innocent without any evidence.Gather evidence of your husband's wrongdoing OP and then you can judge him to be guilty.
> 
> Why are you all in the mindset that a person is guilty unless proven to be innocent?
> 
> If someone would have told me that my fWW was cheating on me. I'd have been shocked but I wouldn't have condemned her without gathering enough evidence.


That wasn't what your response was about. You attacked her. She said nothing about justifying the affair. And she is in a shock. How likely do you think a work colleague of the BS would call her to inform of an A ? Do you see it as a common occurrence?

She repeatedly had concerns over their relationship through out the thread. Check her posts. Who said she confirmed the affair . This is her reaction to the situation perhaps in shock.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> What is your plan?
> 
> Try gathering all the evidence that you can and find the OWH. Expose the affair to her H.
> 
> Do you have access to his email?
> 
> That he stopped physical intimacy makes a lot of sense right after the marriage makes sense. It was guilt and he was getting the necessary sex elsewhere.


 I don't know yet. Im at work, I just found out. Im very stunned right now. I will not tell him anything untill everything is out in the open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

Makes sense to me: his neglect of her over the years. She needs to file and stay single for a while and learn to be her own person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Yes as foggy as a person gets during an affair, they're likely to paint a glossy picture of their primary relationship right? Please check my previous post warlock, I didn't attack her all I asked her was that was there any possibility that the OM orchestrated the entire thing.

Again, if my words have in any way hurt you, I humbly ask you to pardon me Torn.


----------



## warlock07

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your upset? Why?
> 
> You are currently cheating on him.


He was cheating on her for all the marriage. Give the woman a break. Atleast she had some guilt to come to TAM for advice.


----------



## Complexity

bandit.45 said:


> Makes sense to me: his neglect of her over the years. She needs to file and stay single for a while and learn to be her own person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

If it turns out to be true, it's no surprise he was so passive about the whole affair.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Friends Countrymen Romans, why dost thou condemn a man(or a woman) to the block when the accuser comes out with nary a sampling of evidence to suggest that the said person is guilty?


----------



## Complexity

lol kitty, it's all speculation


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> Ok, take your time and do what you have to do but just don't go back to the OM. You might to talk to him for some comfort, but don't do it, ok? The OM has many red flags that will be bad for you and your daughter.
> 
> I'm really sorry that this happened.
> 
> have you confronted him yet? You are in a bad state of mind. Make sure you keep your cool and don't do something foolish. Your daughter needs you.


Warlock, my life is falling apart. I will take a vacation from work starting today and visit my mom with my daughter. I have no idea where to go from here on. I feel like somebody bludgeon my heart. I begged him for attention, for sex. He was always tired, overlyworked and not very affectionate, well he's getting all this affection from some 60 lbs heavier 38 year old woman with 3 kids! What a downgrade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> His life will be so fking miserable when my attorney serve him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He didn't divorce you when you cheated on him, why are you doing it to him then?


----------



## Baffled01

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don't know what to think with the latest turn of events of my life. My H colleague had contacted me. Apparently, my H has been cheating on me for 5.7 years. He and the woman he work with (who I always suspect, I just don't have concrete proof to confront him at that time) have been sneaking behind my back all this fking years. The woman has three kids with her H. I just don't know yet what led my H colleague to rat him out, but whatever it is, I wil soon find out. I am fking upset right now. He couldn't even find a better looking woman. That bthc is atleast 10 years older and 60 lbs heavier. His life will be so fking miserable when my attorney serve him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that explains it. I thought either he is involved in his own affair and doesn't care, or he is truly the clueless wonder he seems to be by your posts.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

keko said:


> He didn't divorce you when you cheated on him, why are you doing it to him then?


Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.

- Bill Shakespeare


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

warlock07 said:


> He was cheating on her for all the marriage. Give the woman a break. Atleast she had some guilt to come to TAM for advice.


If she stays with the OM, she puts her daughter at risk for abuse. If this is true, she had an affair without knowing about her husbands. They are both wrong.

I'm sorry, but children are the number #1 priority, they should be anyways. My ex h had several affairs on me. This didn't mean it was okay for me to do the same. I never cheated on anyone.

Affairs are awful on both ends. There is NEVER justification of any affair ever. Why be in love with someone that hits you? She's really putting her daughter at risk here.

Honestly, I don't buy it. She is not honest with her husband, why would she be honest online?


----------



## anonymouskitty

Am I the only one thinking that this could be a well thought out move by the OM, you know, the old call her pretending to be her husband's lover trick. 

And to tell you the truth we're forgetting about the kind of blameshifting and gaslighting that WSs in the fog are capable of.

Torn do you have solid proof?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> If she stays with the OM, she puts her daughter at risk for abuse.
> 
> I'm sorry, but children are the number #1 priority. My ex h had several affairs on me. This didn't mean it was okay for me to do the same.
> 
> Affairs are awful on both ends. There is NEVER justification of any affair ever. Why be in love with someone that hits you? She's really putting her daughter at risk here.
> 
> Honestly, I don't buy it. She is not honest with her husband, why would she be honest online?


Madam, I was never hit by OM. But do not worry, I am tired of both of them anyway. The OM can go f himself. I am sorry for my choice of words. I am very very upset right now. As I gather the evidence, my H will find himself homeless tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Unbelievable, talk about the kettle calling the pot black


----------



## Complexity

anonymouskitty said:


> Am I the only one thinking that this could be a well thought out move by the OM, you know, the old call her pretending to be her husband's lover trick.
> 
> And to tell you the truth we're forgetting about the kind of blameshifting and gaslighting that WSs in the fog are capable of.
> 
> Torn do you have solid proof?


Very interesting point.


----------



## DawnD

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Madam, I was never hit by OM. But do not worry, I am tired of both of them anyway. The OM can go f himself. I am sorry for my choice of words. I am very very upset right now. My H will find himself homeless tonight, as I gather the evidence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can I ask what you hope to accomplish torn? You cheated as well, so even taking this to your lawyer will result in your H doing the same. Is this just something you need for closure?


----------



## anonymouskitty

anonymouskitty said:


> Unbelievable, talk about the kettle calling the pot black


Did I just say that the wrong way up or was it the right way down?


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm glad the two of you are splitting up. Start fresh. The OM was very abusive. The threats alone were bad enough Torn. Don't put yourself in this place again, you could really get hurt.

I do hope you find a decent man and both of you will be faithful to one another. I don't think your a serial cheater.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Honestly, I don't buy it. She is not honest with her husband, why would she be honest online?


Because, unless she just likes the attention of strangers in cyberspace, she has no reason to lie about this turn of events.


----------



## DawnD

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Because, unless she just likes the attention of strangers in cyberspace, she has no reason to lie about this turn of events.


I dunno, seems to be she has been fishing for sympathy all along, so this might just get it for her. Hope I am wrong though!


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Because, unless she just likes the attention of strangers in cyberspace, she has no reason to lie about this turn of events.


This is the only place I can anonymously be myself. I do appreciate everyone response as it helps me clearly make a decision. My friends, my family, my mom and dad have no clue as to where my life is heading right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

DawnD said:


> I dunno, seems to be she has been fishing for sympathy all along, so this might just get it for her. Hope I am wrong though!


I don't need sympathy. I was bashed and insulted on here, yet I still come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> This is the only place I can anonymously be myself. I do appreciate everyone response as it helps me clearly make a decision. My friends, my family, my mom and dad have no clue as to where my life is heading right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your right. The best thing you can do is be honest with them. Ask them to listen without judgment. Start getting a support system IRL. It will help you get through this during these tough times.

The more support the better. Both online and IRL. It's best to follow the advice of those really trying to help.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> This is the only place I can anonymously be myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So does that suggest an unwillingness to be yourself in the real world?


----------



## dblkman

Torn,

Do you have proof (other than word of mouth) that he has been cheating? if not you are acting mighty hasty on just speculation alone.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don't need sympathy. I was bashed and insulted on here, yet I still come.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well now that you've traded your WS hat for the BS one, you can expect the bashing to tone down


Its funny how you're all set on throwing your husband out based on info given by a stranger.

I read somewhere about a man who was given a anonymous tip off that his wife was having an affair with a colleague and he confronted his wife who was as shocked as he was by the news and chose to give up the passwords of all her email accounts and other relevant information about her whereabouts and they both even went so far as approaching the wife's company to launch an internal investigation about it, well guess what a jealous colleague who couldn't stand the woman's progress at work was the source of the rumour.

Well torn, all I have to say is that sad it is that you live your life the way you live. But I think the right course of action would be a D for you. And I wish you luck in all your future relationships(or perhaps in this one, if you do patch things up with him)

But one thing we can glean from all of this is you maybe regretful but you are not remorseful because anger doesn't become a remorseful spouse as she portrays a holier than thou attitude when kicking her partner out based on one phone call when she's not been so pious herself


----------



## badbane

Something just doesn't seem right. Here I would make sure there is concrete proof before going off the deep end. We have seen OM do some damn f'd up things. Simulating another affair isn't all that out of the realm of possibility. 
It would have been a long affair so there will be evidence somewhere. Momemtos, emails, texts, phone records. You need them all. You need to get some damn answers. If you find nothing then you need to try to contact the person that told you. Grill them with questions. Tell him you want proof, ie emails, text, dates and times of meetings and all that. 

I would hold off on revealing this to you H until you have something he can't just brush off.


----------



## CantSitStill

Now you know how it feels..as the tables turn...you are so hurt what the freak is the difference here, ok for u to cheat and still not know who to choose.. nevermind I don't know what to say anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dblkman

badbane said:


> something just doesn't seem right. Here i would make sure there is concrete proof before going off the deep end. We have seen om do some damn f'd up things. Simulating another affair isn't all that out of the realm of possibility.
> It would have been a long affair so there will be evidence somewhere. Momemtos, emails, texts, phone records. You need them all. You need to get some damn answers. If you find nothing then you need to try to contact the person that told you. Grill them with questions. Tell him you want proof, ie emails, text, dates and times of meetings and all that.
> 
> I would hold off on revealing this to you h until you have something he can't just brush off.


exactly!


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My H colleague had contacted me. Apparently, my H has been cheating on me for 5.7 years.


I would want to know what prompted this colleague to come forward now.Does he have an axe to grind with your H or a hidden agenda? At present you don't know the truth,so you really need to find proof.Have you asked your H in the past if he was having an affair,and if so what was his response?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

It appears that he is friends with the other woman's H. He asks if I am willing to meet with the other woman's H to discuss the evidence the man gathered. So I set an appt to see him in my office today at around 2ish. Will see what this meeting entails.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity

anonykitty, it seems like your suspicions that the OM is behind this are well founded.


----------



## morituri

The fact that your H is more than willing for you to talk to the "OW" husband is interesting considering that if he had been having an affair, the last person he would want to bring up to discuss the possibility of his wife cheating on him, would be her H. Hopefully your interview with the "OW" husband will give you some concrete evidence one way the other.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

badbane said:


> Something just doesn't seem right. Here I would make sure there is concrete proof before going off the deep end. We have seen OM do some damn f'd up things. Simulating another affair isn't all that out of the realm of possibility.
> It would have been a long affair so there will be evidence somewhere. Momemtos, emails, texts, phone records. You need them all. You need to get some damn answers. If you find nothing then you need to try to contact the person that told you. Grill them with questions. Tell him you want proof, ie emails, text, dates and times of meetings and all that.
> 
> I would hold off on revealing this to you H until you have something he can't just brush off.


Badbane, I agree. However, I suspect there might be some truth to all this. I remember when dday occurred, suddenly everything made sense. Her moodiness, the distance, the GNOs, the pecks instead of kisses, not being able to look me in the eyes, etc. Maybe TBT is having the same kind of AHA moment that most of us had when we found out about our spouse's unfaithfulness.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

morituri said:


> The fact that your H is more than willing for you to talk to the "OW" husband is interesting considering that if he had been having an affair, the last person he would want to bring up to discuss the possibility of his wife cheating on him, would be her H. Hopefully your interview with the "OW" husband will give you some concrete evidence one way the other.


My H work colleague called me today to discuss about my H affairs. This so called friend of his asks if I will be willing to meet the other womans husband. I said ok at around 2. My H does not know what's going on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

Yeah, I can't help but think revelation comes at far too coincident a time.

Just when the OM is moving away, wants torn to D and come with him, oh and has tried blackmail, then offering to meet with H and get him to give up Torn, and now out of the blue a person comes forth with evidence of the H cheating etc. When torn hasn't been investigating.

This is incredible convenient for the OM and way to suspicious.

Turn, before you do anything it's best to calmly as possible have bth you and H sit down and put all your cards face up on the table.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I am fking upset right now. He couldn't even find a better looking woman. That bthc is atleast 10 years older and 60 lbs heavier.


Affairs are seldom about having hot sex with a hot looking AP. I'm not saying that they don't happen - sex only affairs - but the majority aren't. Besides, what one person considers attractive another considers ugly. Sometimes a homely, unattractive person may have a passion for life that is sexually attractive to a husband/wife, despite having a stunningly attractive spouse at home. In essence, most affairs are about the betrayer's ego boost and outside validation rather than unmet "emotional needs". IF your H was involved in an affair with an OW, then it had to do more with him than with you.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Not judging you but reading your thread I've noticed a pattern of how you seem to come up with solutions to your problems after a major loophole is exposed.

For example before I said that this might be a ploy by the OM you were harping on about kicking your husband out because an affair was seemingly pulled out of the bag and then when I stated that you need concrete proof you jumped at the solution, most BSs here are in denial or in shock but no you went on to the logistics of gathering evidence, Now if this colleague indeed set up a meeting, why then did you trickle truth us upto the point of my expressing doubts that this may be a ploy on the OMs part. And then you've a meeting set up which is obviously going to prove the husband's affair. Solution found.Quick and easy revelation of the "affair(???)" and then no more sitting around for days on end gathering evidence. Poof Magic.

The next scenario is going to be this, you're going to discover that the husband is a serial cheater and then you're going to come up with an excuse to kick him to the kerb and milk him dry and then run off with the OM because your husband is a serial cheater.

Lady, please, its one thing to trickle truth your husband who's probably in the dark about all this, but its entirely another situation to try and trick people who've become as keen as bloodhounds at this game. You should hang out here more often you can see so many patterns that the people on here can sniff out from miles away


What I can't understand is why would the friend of the OWH be contacting you? Why not the OWH himself?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

anonymouskitty said:


> Not judging you but reading your thread I've noticed a pattern of how you seem to come up with solutions to your problems after a major loophole is exposed.
> 
> For example before I said that this might be a ploy by the OM you were harping on about kicking your husband out because an affair was seemingly pulled out of the bag and then when I stated that you need concrete proof you jumped at the solution, most BSs here are in denial or in shock but no you went on to the logistics of gathering evidence, Now if this colleague indeed set up a meeting, why then did you trickle truth us upto the point of my expressing doubts that this may be a ploy on the OMs part.
> 
> The next scenario is going to be this, you're going to discover that the husband is a serial cheater and then you're going to come up with an excuse to kick him to the kerb and milk him dry and then run off with the OM because your husband is a serial cheater.
> 
> Lady, please, its one thing to trickle truth your husband who's probably in the dark about all this, but its entirely another situation to try and trick people who've become as keen as bloodhounds at this game. You should hang out here more often you can see so many patterns that the people on here can sniff out from miles away
> 
> 
> What I can't understand is why would the friend of the OWH be contacting you? Why not the OWH himself?


 As I type on my phone there's so many things going on around my head. A man who called me today is my husbands co worker (work colleague) there is no trickle truth there. He initially told me that their co worker, let's call him "jim" had asks him a favor to call me and tell me about what's been going on behind my back. I know who jim is in person as he is someone my husband hangs out with along with his wife. I know his wife as well. They both come and go in my house as they are supposedly "our family friend". The om have nothing to do with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

If I were Jim I'd ask for your number from the co worker and how come jim doesn't have your home number as he's a good friend of your husband's and hangs out at your house?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

anonymouskitty said:


> If I were Jim I'd ask for your number from the co worker and how come jim doesn't have your home number as he's a good friend of your husband's and hangs out at your house?


I have no idea. I don't even know how to handle this meeting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Don't blindly accept the man's assertions that your H has been having an affair(s), he's a stranger with unknown motives, demand proof. In fact, ask him if he would be willing to a face to face confrontation with your H. If he's telling the truth, he won't mind, especially if he has solid proof to show the two of you that your H has been cheating on you.


----------



## Shaggy

Perhaps you and the OWH could do a joint confrontation/ intervention with your H and the suspected OW
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zsu234

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cmorebirdz

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> My husband has a dangerous job (law enforcement), his schedule also varries and requires for him to be on call, I on the other hand, works a 9-5 job. I take care of my daughter daily routine, drive her to daycare, pick her up, attend birthday parties, walk in the park, swimming pool, play with her. My affair did not affect my overall relationship with my daughter.


You may not see the immediate impact on your child but it's very hard to believe that it doesn't exist. I stayed in a marriage with a cheating wife for nine years to try to "protect" my son. I still have mixed feelings about this even after ten years. I have a good relationship now with my second wife and now know what I was missing all those years.


----------



## Acabado

0 - Purchase VAR,
1- Meet with MOW'sBH (Public place, VAR hidden at pocket, ask for evidence, play dumb),
3 - Lawyer,
4 - STD tests,
5 - Home snooping (Phone bill, bank, PC),
6 - PI (You can afford, I asume),
7 - NC with OM (You'll be tempted to go to him for emotional support).

According the evidence you follow lawyers advice and then confront... or not, if it's gives your adventage.

The way you decribed marriage and his reaction to the "news" of your affair make this revelation plausible. I'm sorry, madhater situation (2 hats) is horrible. 4-5 years? WTF!


----------



## warlock07

I don't see how the OM could bribe TBT husband's colleagues to say that he was cheating with his co-worker. I am disappointed at the misogynism of some the posts here today.


----------



## Shaggy

You might need to warn your OM that he needs to get an STD test because you could have passed something to him.

Now that would be ironic wouldn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

warlock07 said:


> I don't see how the OM could bribe TBT husband's colleagues to say that he was cheating with his co-worker. I am disappointed at the misogynism of some the posts here today.


warlock anything is possible and this colleague is a friend of the OWH(the husband's OW) and a stalker/male bunny boiler is capable of anything.

And please give the rest of us an example of the misogynism that you speak of, as far as I know the people on here wouldn't have treated torn any other way even if she were a man, we deal in cold hard facts and the fact is something just doesn't add up here.

I'm sorry torn but the entire thread has loopholes a plenty, I'm not saying that this might not be true but thats my feeling.Torn please do not be offended by this, I'm simply stating how I feel about all of this and I do not want you to feel hurt or angry by my observation


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Torn:
> 
> *you lost the right to have that level of moral outrage the moment you started your affair, and then again, when you restarted the affair while seemingly reconciling.*
> 
> Before that, YES.


Actually, she still retains the right to have that level of moral outrage because of what her husband did. He also has a right to have moral outrage because of what she did. However, it'll be hard for either of them to get sympathy from outside observers.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don't know what to think with the latest turn of events of my life. My H colleague had contacted me. Apparently, my H has been cheating on me for 5.7 years. He and the woman he work with (who I always suspect, I just don't have concrete proof to confront him at that time) have been sneaking behind my back all this fking years. The woman has three kids with her H. I just don't know yet what led my H colleague to rat him out, but whatever it is, I wil soon find out. I am fking upset right now. He couldn't even find a better looking woman. That bthc is atleast 10 years older and 60 lbs heavier. His life will be so fking miserable when my attorney serve him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Torn, if you beleive that, I have several palaces that Queen Elizabeth wants me to sell at a discount price.


----------



## MattMatt

The outrage of Torn was born out by a survey of cheaters. Thought the cheaters demanded the right to cheat, the majority of them demanded 100 percent loyalty from their spouses.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

I waited for the alleged other woman’s husband in my office till 4 pm today. No one shows up, so finally I called him myself. He told me he has no idea who called me and that he did not ask any of their coworker to call me. Thankfully, I did not tell him why this “coworker” called. This is so bizarre. The person who called this morning told me about the nature of my H and his OW affair, he said that this info came from his friend “Jim” who is the husband of the allege OW. I am very confused why anyone would play a game like that. I don’t know whether to ask my H or not.


----------



## CantSitStill

This is getting more and more bizarre
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I waited for the alleged other woman’s husband in my office till 4 pm today. No one shows up, so finally I called him myself. He told me he has no idea who called me and that he did not ask any of their coworker to call me. Thankfully, I did not tell him why this “coworker” called. This is so bizarre. The person who called this morning told me about the nature of my H and his OW affair, he said that this info came from his friend “Jim” who is the husband of the allege OW. I am very confused why anyone would play a game like that. I don’t know whether to ask my H or not.


Maybe it's time your H did a little investigation.Why not lay all the cards on the table?


----------



## DawnD

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I waited for the alleged other woman’s husband in my office till 4 pm today. No one shows up, so finally I called him myself. He told me he has no idea who called me and that he did not ask any of their coworker to call me. Thankfully, I did not tell him why this “coworker” called. This is so bizarre. The person who called this morning told me about the nature of my H and his OW affair, he said that this info came from his friend “Jim” who is the husband of the allege OW. I am very confused why anyone would play a game like that. I don’t know whether to ask my H or not.


 Seriously, is there any chance your OM could have done this like it was suggested earlier?


----------



## Shaggy

I think the OM put someone up to it hoping you would immediately run to him for support.

Put those cards on the table now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I waited for the alleged other woman’s husband in my office till 4 pm today. No one shows up, so finally I called him myself. He told me he has no idea who called me and that he did not ask any of their coworker to call me. Thankfully, I did not tell him why this “coworker” called. This is so bizarre. The person who called this morning told me about the nature of my H and his OW affair, he said that this info came from his friend “Jim” who is the husband of the allege OW. I am very confused why anyone would play a game like that. I don’t know whether to ask my H or not.


RAH!!!!! Oh. I said that before, didn't I?

Could you have been set up by a duplicitous, lying dastard?

Ummm, do you know any duplicitous, lying dastards, Torn?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

The plot thickens. One of two possible scenarios: 1) The OM is playing dirty tricks to get TBT to run to him for comfort (and a little sex); 2) Her H is playing dirty tricks to get her to feel the pain that he experienced because of her betrayal.


----------



## Complexity

lol this thread should come with complementary pop corn


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Thank you everyone for gravels of advice, I know that my life is exasperating for some. When I was dating my husband (I was 19 to 22 years old) he tells me how I can be very naïve sometimes. I think it’s because I refuse to recognize that people have motives each time they do something or say something. I always see good in people, and whatever they say, I am the type to TRUST AND ACCEPT WHAT THEY SAY AS true until I am prove wrong. When I met my H, he told me he was 25 years old (I was 19) when the truth was he was actually 30 years old. Boy, he was wonderful, matured (compared to some of the guys I met his age at 25) so I went home to tell my mother about the guy I met who at his age was very MATURE. The day that he was going back to America, on his birthday, he said that he wants to reveal something very important, and that he wants me to promise to forgive him. I said, I promise. He revealed his real age, I wasn’t mad, I was surprised but I am in love so I could care less about his age. He lied and I forgave him.



I love my husband, but I am taking a break and divorcing him. If he and I are meant to be, he will come back to me and work it out. I am tired of the games were both playing. I am not that old, I am only 28, I have a job, a house and I can manage to take care of my daughter. 


I learned that although, we live in a modern world, woman who cheats are more shunned than man. I don’t understand why, but hopefully, the double standard will end. Man and woman should be held in the same standards. Men lie and cheat as well. If my H cheated on me, he should be held accountable for his cheating. Even more so, because I am a good wife to him up until this April of 2012 when I first cheated on him.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

I do not know who called me today. He said he was my H work colleague, I accept that as true because he told me so. Supposedly, the alleged OW husband wanted to meet up to reveals some pretty damaging evidence about the alleged affair between my H and the alleged OW. I am not sure if it’s true or someone is messing up with me. But whatever it is, I will investigate. I was going to tell my H, but I think it’s best for me to learn if he cheated on me. I am divorcing him either way.

Wherever I go, I adapt very easily, I can talk to strangers (confidence is what led me to talk to anyone or anybody) I acquired my self-confidence not from my husband but from my friends and people I interact with daily. Today, I can’t even smile or talk to anyone. My colleague at work notices the sudden changes of my mood lately, I been very distraught and sad. I am just not the same person. I can’t focus on my job and my job requires a lot of person to person interaction. I think that separation is best thing my H and I can do for each other. I can no longer live with him. Not right now, maybe someday, next month I don’t know, he has to move or go somewhere other than my house.


----------



## MattMatt

When you first cheated on him? There were/are other, subsequent such events? With other lovers, or just the OM?


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> he has to move or go somewhere other than my house.


Your house?


----------



## MattMatt

keko said:


> Your house?


Blimey. Torn and the OM *ARE* soul mates, after all.

Good Grief.


----------



## Shaggy

Step back for a second - it's isn't just your house OR just your daughter.

You will be in for a surprise if you think you can just D him and put him out in the street.

If he is very smart he will sue for full custody and the house for himself.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Shaggy said:


> Step back for a second - it's isn't just your house OR just your daughter.
> 
> You will be in for a surprise if you think you can just D him and put him out in the street.
> 
> If he is very smart he will sue for full custody and the house for himself.


 I told him if he can leave my house tonight so I can think over where our marriage is heading, his response was "ok" he left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

If he bring his clothes with him, my lawyer and I will accused him of abandonment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulStorm

Anger is getting the best of you. You are divorcing him based on an assumption..you have no proof.
You are not innocent either, before you go painting him as this evil, cheating love withholding spouse..take a good look in the mirror and see how deceitful, underhanded and cruel you have been, all unaware by your husband.

Slow down..make a decision based on logic..not emotion.


----------



## Shaggy

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he bring his clothes with him, my lawyer and I will accused him of abandonment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly, you're being evil if you if you pull that.

Let's review: You are the one who cheated - he is the betrayed spouse.

And I strongly suspect your claim of abandonment will fail since YOU asked him to leave and he complied.


----------



## DawnD

I agree with SoulStorm, and if you think he won't bring up your affair in a court battle, you are probably sadly mistaken.


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he bring his clothes with him, my lawyer and I will accused him of abandonment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck using that over a few days of not staying in the house. 

He went fishing with his friends, remember?


----------



## SoulStorm

> I told him if he can leave my house tonight so I can think over where our marriage is heading, his response was "ok" he left.


Guess I posted too late


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he bring his clothes with him, my lawyer and I will accused him of abandonment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In the end are these your true colours?


----------



## keko

So he brought you over from another country when you had nothing, helped you build a career, put a roof over your head then you cheated on him. He didn't divorce you, he even obliged when you asked him to move out yet you want to divorce him over a lie being pushed by your "soul mate the OM"?

I'll be sending prayers to your stxhusband and daughter.


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## Beowulf

Wow, what a plot twist. Roll the credits.


----------



## Acabado

You are all over the place. I get this has been a bizarre and horrible day. You have to know deep down who's behind this, don't you?. Does it feels like your husband character? Who's behaved like a jerk lately? Who's deperate tryung to inflict the worse kind of damage before moving to NY?


> I love my husband, but I am taking a break and divorcing him. If he and I are meant to be, he will come back to me and work it out.


Delusions, magical thinking. Cowardice


> I am tired of the games were both playing


Both? From what you know your husband is not playing any game at all. You are. You cheated on him, you confessed a very minimized version depite our advice, you broke NC and entered again in the fog while being blackmailed by OM and stil pretending being reconciling, then BH start trying to court you with a nice evening and now this. You have no idea whether your husband is behind the call. If he's innocent divorcing him without telling why is horribly cruel.


> I think that separation is best thing my H and I can do for each other. I can no longer live with him. Not right now, maybe someday, next month I don’t know, he has to move or go somewhere other than my house


I expect him moving out it's about logistics. You cheated on him. From what you know he didn't and is trying to fix his marriage despite not knowing a sh!t about what's going on (the extent of your affair, your feelings for OM, the recent false R, the slanderish? call...). Seems ther're out there a bunch of people (2?) playing puppet master with HIS life.

It seems your husband is not cheating on you. Maybe you can trace the original call? Asuming it was not your husband... why divorcing? What are you going to tell your husband? What about taking a couple of days off work, calm down, recolect your thoughts, reagrup, take a couple of step back to see the big picture a little more detached?

Read you own thread, since beggining, keep an eye at the dates.


----------



## Acabado

> Guess I posted too late


Me too.
Did you tell him why? I mean the truth for one time?


----------



## SoulStorm

I am going to make an assumption as you have..

I assume you have been lying to this forum from day 1.

Did I assume right? Assumptions don't fair well do they?

And for the record..I'm giving you an example...not bashing you.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

SoulStorm said:


> I am going to make an assumption as you have..
> 
> I assume you have been lying to this forum from day 1.
> 
> Did I assume right? Assumptions don't fair well do they?
> 
> And for the record..I'm giving you an example...not bashing you.


No Sir, There is no reason for me to lie in this forum. All I need is help and advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> Me too.
> Did you tell him why? I mean the truth for one time?


Acabado, I did partially. I promise I will tell him the whole truth. I need to know first if he is cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> So he brought you over from another country when you had nothing, helped you build a career, put a roof over your head then you cheated on him. He didn't divorce you, he even obliged when you asked him to move out yet you want to divorce him over a lie being pushed by your "soul mate the OM"?
> 
> I'll be sending prayers to your stxhusband and daughter.


 I love my country, I didn't mind living where I came from. If it weren't for my job here in the US, I wouldn't mind going back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Ok fine divorce him but you love him remember? So what you need to do is be fair about it. Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he bring his clothes with him, my lawyer and I will accused him of abandonment.


Now that's wrong, you asked him to leave. So he did. Why he left I have no clue. 

But then you will file on abandonment?

If he does not take his clothing, how will he be able to go to work?

It takes a lot more than him leaving for a few days at your request for you to call abandonment.

Did you tell him about the phone call you got today? If so what did he say?


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> So he brought you over from another country when you had nothing, helped you build a career, put a roof over your head then you cheated on him. He didn't divorce you, he even obliged when you asked him to move out yet you want to divorce him over a lie being pushed by your "soul mate the OM"?
> 
> I'll be sending prayers to your stxhusband and daughter.


Why do you assume that she had nothing in her home country?

I believe she said that she has a college degree. That's nothing?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I can no longer live with him. Not right now, maybe someday, next month I don’t know, he has to move or go somewhere other than *my *house.


:scratchhead: Not our house?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

TBT, I imagined you to be a mid-thirtysomething. I think you found your out from this marriage, which is what I suspected you wanted all along. This is probably for the best; however, you still have no proof that your husband cheated on you. Therefore, you really can't use that as an excuse for running away. The fact is that, like many other people, you got involved in a long term relationship much too young. Good luck.


----------



## keko

EleGirl said:


> Why do you assume that she had nothing in her home country?
> 
> I believe she said that she has a college degree. That's nothing?


First post. She was jobless early in their marriage and didn't contribute to the family income yet jumps right into claiming house to be hers.... that's something?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> Now that's wrong, you asked him to leave. So he did. Why he left I have no clue.
> 
> But then you will file on abandonment?
> 
> If he does not take his clothing, how will he be able to go to work?
> 
> It takes a lot more than him leaving for a few days at your request for you to call abandonment.
> 
> Did you tell him about the phone call you got today? If so what did he say?


Ele,
I just finished talking to my H on the phone. (He upsets me so much) I told him that I got very upset when I was calling him and he chooses to ignore my call (about a week ago) in lieu of "tête-à-tête" with this woman. They have some very important matter to discuss; his wife (me) can wait of course. I refused to be second best in his life. If he wants to partner with this woman (another det.) then he can do so without me in his life.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> First post. She was jobless early in their marriage and didn't contribute to the family income yet jumps right into claiming house to be hers.... that's something?


He did not hand me my college education, I earned it (I still owe student loans btw) same with my job and my position, I EARNED IT. I worked hard to get to where I am.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> He did not hand me my college education, I earned it (I still owe student loans btw) same with my job and my position, I EARNED IT. I worked hard to get to where I am.


TBT, he may not have handed you your college degree, but he surely made it easier for you to earn it. You might have student loans but he provided a roof over your head and food to eat while you were going to school. No man or woman is an island, and you're not as self-made as you think you are.


----------



## EleGirl

keko said:


> First post. She was jobless early in their marriage and didn't contribute to the family income yet jumps right into claiming house to be hers.... that's something?


Yes, she said that she moved to the USA to be with her husband. So it took her a while to settle in and find a job. That does not mean that she had nothing.

You have no idea what her life was like in her home country or what she does or does not have in her own name.

To assume that she came from nothing and he somehow saved her is quite an assumption.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> He did not hand me my college education, I earned it (I still owe student loans btw) same with my job and my position, I EARNED IT. I worked hard to get to where I am.


Did you earn your degree after your marriage or before?


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Ele,
> I just finished talking to my H on the phone. (He upsets me so much) I told him that I got very upset when I was calling him and he chooses to ignore my call (about a week ago) in lieu of "tête-à-tête" with this woman. They have some very important matter to discuss; his wife (me) can wait of course. I refused to be second best in his life. If he wants to partner with this woman (another det.) then he can do so without me in his life.


He's a homicide detective and she's his partner,so I assume they don't work 9-5 and have to be ready when duty calls.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Ele,
> I just finished talking to my H on the phone. (He upsets me so much) I told him that I got very upset when I was calling him and he chooses to ignore my call (about a week ago) in lieu of "tête-à-tête" with this woman. They have some very important matter to discuss; his wife (me) can wait of course. I refused to be second best in his life. If he wants to partner with this woman (another det.) then he can do so without me in his life.


How do you know that he was having a "tête-à-tête" with this woman when you called? You do not know if they are having an affair do you? Maybe he was dealing with an important work issue. 

If they are not having an affair, your being upset about him partnering with her is wrong. I work with a lot of men. It does not mean that I am having an affair with any of them.

What evidence of an affair between him and anyone do you have?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> Did you earn your degree after your marriage or before?


I came to the US at 21 when we got engaged. I Transfer my college credits here as I was in college when he met me in Spain. He helped me by paying our apartment, cars, car insurance, bills etc. after a year, I worked while in college.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> How do you know that he was having a "tête-à-tête" with this woman when you called? You do not know if they are having an affair do you? Maybe he was dealing with an important work issue.
> 
> If they are not having an affair, your being upset about him partnering with her is wrong. I work with a lot of men. It does not mean that I am having an affair with any of them.
> 
> What evidence of an affair between him and anyone do you have?


 Gut feelings. And according to At and T summary, theres quite a lot of text and phone calls between them.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

TBT said:


> He's a homicide detective and she's his partner,so I assume they don't work 9-5 and have to be ready when duty calls.


uhmmmm. OK, if you say so. Not at 10 PM at night when his wife is out of town.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> TBT, I imagined you to be a mid-thirtysomething. I think you found your out from this marriage, which is what I suspected you wanted all along. This is probably for the best; however, you still have no proof that your husband cheated on you. Therefore, you really can't use that as an excuse for running away. The fact is that, like many other people, you got involved in a long term relationship much too young. Good luck.


Unfortunately, I think you're are right.


----------



## TBT

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> uhmmmm. OK, if you say so. Not at 10 PM at night when his wife is out of town.


No need to be flip.That was just an assumption on my part that homicides can occur at irregular hours so they may need to communicate for a variety of reasons at any time.


----------



## carpenoctem

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually, she still retains the right to have that level of moral outrage because of what her husband did. He also has a right to have moral outrage because of what she did. However, it'll be hard for either of them to get sympathy from outside observers.



*Count:*
my referrence was to this statement of hers:

_Quote:
Originally Posted by Tornbetweenthetwo 
Madam, I was never hit by OM. But do not worry, I am tired of both of them anyway. The OM can go f himself. I am sorry for my choice of words. I am very very upset right now. *As I gather the evidence, my H will find himself homeless tonight*.Posted via Mobile Device Unquote_


*neither she, nor he, has the moral right to do that (not to mention the legal right).*

*what is good for the gander, she discovered, was already gobbled by the goose.*


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

*carpenoctem*, thanks for the clarification. I missed that post.


----------



## carpenoctem

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I told him if he can leave my house tonight so I can think over where our marriage is heading, his response was "ok" he left.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Torn:

be careful.

he is a homicide detective. he might already have collected and documentd enought evidence against you, for the day in court.

is yours a no-fault state?


----------



## anonymouskitty

What an amazing way to start my day, wish I was a novelist perfect theme for a best seller eh chaps?


----------



## tizroc

I find this endlessly hypocritical. She has no proof that he is hiding anything from her. She is angry and asked him to move out. He has been nothing but APPARENTLY willing to work on their relationship.

She however has not in any way worked in good faith. She lied to her husband about NC, and continued to contact and discuss things with him that were not business related. She continues to keep these things secret even though she promised to be open and frank.

At this point in time, based on the readings of the thread I contend that it isn't that she married to early. It is that she isn't an adult mentally. As stated in her own words she thought about the move to New York which she would lose. She however wasn't willing to do this for her Husband and Daughter?

So she wants honesty, won't give it.

She wants fidelity and hasn't given it. (There is some ambiguity in the way your discussion and conversational prose worded around if you continued to sleep with the OM, but you certainly continued the emotional affair and have the temerity to act indignant at thought your husband did the same thing. When you KNOW that something is fishy with the information you were provided... since the phone call was faked?)

She wants a divorce but doesn't want to be the bad guy (I think this is the REAL issue) yet has done nothing to mark herself as the good person. (There may be no good people here, but making yourself out to be the victim when you still are hiding things make you a hypocrite).\

Based on the provided information... you are not emotionally fit to be married. I also have some strong reservations about your ability to be a fit parent based on your assertions alone. 

It is time to gather together your big girl panties and grow up. Your daughter needs someone who is stable in her life and so far the only person being reasonable is your husband. Since you have no proof, and the person who brought it up is apparently a coward and a liar... your wanton belief in this is obviously what you wanted from the beginning. Since you are the one who is a KNOWN cheater, you husband was worked diligently (By your own words) to save the marriage as well as to treat you with more dignity and respect than your actions call for. You need to seriously engage your brain before you goof this up beyond all redemption. Not just your marriage which you continue to defile with your lies and philandering behavior but with the FATHER OF YOUR DAUGHTER!!

You are almost 30. You have a child. You don't get to be a teenager anymore, you decided on a different life. Then you decided to have a child. Grow. Up... act your age. Your words and actions speak to two different plans.. I for one believe your actions. Cheater. Liar. Conspirator (lying about being abandoned). You secretly hope your husband is a cheater, which is why you are so desperate as to grab the ring so quickly. You already said you researched this for years! You so desperately want this to be the truth so you can get out of your marriage guilt free. Working on your marriage when you did the bad things is hard, and you want to give up. You don't like being the bad guy. You lie to your husband, you lie to your daughter and to yourself. Grow up and work on your marriage, or let them loose (with the TRUTH and a divorce) so he can move on.. and she can find a good role model in a step-mother... the other choice is to not grow up and lose it all anyway. Trust me, the grass is NOT greener on the other side. It still has it's drawback and someone has to feed and water it. It all looks great from the fence but every decision and life choice comes with drawbacks. You got married. You had a baby (On purpose)... now you want to chicken out. Well I am sure you will be a great example for your daughter. (That last sentence was sarcasm.)

As someone who has been married much longer than you, and who put up with a cheater (but is still married).. you have not from the beginning showed any intention of working on this. You have again and again broken your word, broken your vows and now you want to end it over no proof and lies. 

Now for a few pieces of positive advice. Remember a divorce lawyer will feed you want you want to hear so they can get money through the divorce proceedings. That is good if you need encouragement from that quarter. (I REALLY don't think you do... you seem hell bent for leather from the beginning to end your marriage.)

You will ALWAYS have a relationship with your husband. Forever, and ever... and ever. You have a child together. Your marriage is based on lies, and so will your future dealings if you can't be honest. After the divorce those lies can haunt you and you can lose custody it is determined that you are detrimental to the continued well being of your daughter based on those lies.

It took a while for my wife and I to get through it. We love each other, we aren't always IN love. We work hard with each other through the love times to reach the in love times. They are wonderful, and the longer we are together the quicker they come. You could have something to look forward to. People do make it. People who have hurt each other can make it. They have to want to though.


----------



## Shaggy

How about he was talking to his partner who is frend about how torn up he is that his wife is cheatng on him?

This thread had taken yet another turn of tone. Remember you are the WS. Stay in the part.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty

I think some people will never appreciate those who supported them through hard times, I read this article recently about how a woman cheated on her husband and subsequently filed for divorce. It devastated him. This same man donated one of his kidneys to her a couple of years ago.

Its one of life's lessons, to learn to appreciate the people responsible for your success, people hardly do that, bask in the limelight forgetting about all the others who supported them but when you've failed at something you're quick to blame someone else for it rather than accept your part in all of it. Its sad but thats how it is.

Your husband supported your way through college, gave you a roof over your head and food and comfort and you hold the fact that he lied to you about his age over his head while you yourself have been less than forthcoming?

There are people on this forum and all over the world who would die before going against their word or their principles and then there are others. Only you can decide what sort of a person you want to be and I suppose you've subconsciously done it already.

There's something called gratitude, its a small thing but it can carry you a long way in life, you're 28 and not at all a child to understand that. You might never be able to repay certain debts you owe to certain people but being grateful for their contribution is a sign of a person who respects himself/herself as much as he/she respects others.

On a side note please do file for D, you'd be doing your husband a favour.


----------



## carpenoctem

tizroc said:


> It took a while for my wife and I to get through it.* We love each other, we aren't always IN love. We work hard with each other through the love times to reach the in love times. *They are wonderful, and the longer we are together the quicker they come. You could have something to look forward to. People do make it. People who have hurt each other can make it. They have to want to though.



Tizroc:

glad to know that you and your wife are able to do this.

*the fact that, after the initial fizz, love has to be handled practically, and not as a fantasy... ...*


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> uhmmmm. OK, if you say so. Not at 10 PM at night when his wife is out of town.


How often do they call and text when they are off from work?


----------



## tizroc

Shaggy said:


> How about he was talking to his partner who is frend about how torn up he is that his wife is cheatng on him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Heck, how about they were discussing dissected body parts and didn't want to contaminate either the relationship (with the horror they were dealing with) nor the case while he was tracking down the murderer of someones daughter or son? 

For YEARS you said you tried to see if he was having an affair with this woman. I am certain you talked to the OM about this, then when things take a header you get a call from someone who says exactly what you feared? Then when you start checking things out they don't add up. Like, I don't know... The person you thought you talked to didn't call you?

You sure are quick to play the wronged card now aren't you? Lying about abandonment? Talking to the OM behind your husband's back after promising not to. Your word is useless, your intentions apparently bad. Be honest with yourself, and the group please. What do you want?

To be the good guy? Sorry that time passed. You don't get it back. Ever.

That isn't to say you are the only bad guy... just that you don't get get the halo back.


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## warlock07

Does she even have a lawyer? This woman has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old girl. Look how she see-saws from one position to another


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## tizroc

warlock07 said:


> Does she even have a lawyer? This woman has the emotional maturity of a 12 year old girl. Look how she see-saws from one position to another


I could have sworn she said her lawyer told her to tell him to move out. Then she got all excited about saying her husband abandoned her. I seriously doubt that she came up with the idea on her own.


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## warlock07

I don't think she realizes what she is doing. She did not even know she would get the custody initially(in her initial posts she assumed that she would lose custody since she cheated ). She is just parroting what her lawyer must have told her(If he moves out, claim abandonment for custody. Lawyer is just looking out for her best interests). Naive, foolish and confused

Torn , is the lawyer a man or a woman?(I'm guessing a hardcore feminist)


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## EleGirl

Torn,

Others here have a very good point, a lot of divorce attornies work to make things worse. The more they can get you fighting, the more money they will make.

I've seen people lose everything they have because they let their attorney ratch up the fight.

No judge is going to buy the abandonment thing with your husband. It's not going to happen.

The house is not yours. It belongs to both of you. YOu will each get 50% of it's equity, 50% of all other assets and 50% of all community debt.

But your student loans are your sole debt. Your husband will not get them. So you will get 50% of the community debt + 100% of your student loans.

YOu and your husband will most likely share legal/physical custody of your daughter 50/50. Which means that she will not be with your half of the time. And you will not be able to move her away from a set number of miles from her father.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

EleGirl said:


> Torn,
> 
> Others here have a very good point, a lot of divorce attornies work to make things worse. The more they can get you fighting, the more money they will make.
> 
> I've seen people lose everything they have because they let their attorney ratch up the fight.
> 
> No judge is going to buy the abandonment thing with your husband. It's not going to happen.
> 
> The house is not yours. It belongs to both of you. YOu will each get 50% of it's equity, 50% of all other assets and 50% of all community debt.
> 
> But your student loans are your sole debt. Your husband will not get them. So you will get 50% of the community debt + 100% of your student loans.
> 
> YOu and your husband will most likely share legal/physical custody of your daughter 50/50. Which means that she will not be with your half of the time. And you will not be able to move her away from a set number of miles from her father.


This is absolutely correct!

At minimum you can be decent and fair to your husband. You are trying to get revenge on him through your own guilt. This is very wrong and immoral.


----------



## MattMatt

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he bring his clothes with him, my lawyer and I will accused him of abandonment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. You have it all planned out. Don't you?

"Hell hath no fury like a cheating spouse"


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## MattMatt

The OM would not happen to know a divorce attorney, or to be a divorce attorney, would he?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

I remember several years ago when the actor Robert Blake was accused of killing his gold digging cheating wife who was using his infant daughter as a pawn. He said that he went back into the restaurant after leaving her in the car and came back and someone had shot her. The joke at the time was 'nobody is that lucky.'

Torn, in your case, what are the odds that you end up being lucky enough to have your husband's alleged affair disclosed at this juncture?


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## anonymouskitty

> Yep. You have it all planned out. Don't you?
> 
> "Hell hath no fury like a cheating spouse"



No no Matt, its their right to expect fidelity, they never think about how the sh!t is going to be if the roles were reversed. I asked my wife what it would have been like if she discovered that I was unfaithful during her affair and how it would be if she discovered that I had a revenge affair during R?

All she could tell me was that she'd probably have used the former as an excuse to divorce me and cover her own mess up and the latter would have driven her to having a mental breakdown.

Cheaters are usually quick to take the moral high ground because they see it as an opportunity to cover their tracks and come out with their image intact.

Proves to me and the rest of us once and for all that torn is indeed a cakeeater who now sees her husband as a liability, a pest that needs to be squished.Hence the all guns blazing approach


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## tizroc

anonymouskitty said:


> No no Matt, its their right to expect fidelity, they never think about how the sh!t is going to be if the roles were reversed...


I believe this is incorrect, in this case. The OP has no wish to feel responsible for the situation she put herself and her husband in. She has from the beginning shown no remorse. She has shown no ability to remain faithful. She has shown she cannot keep her promises.

She hinted at this outcome early on. That while she had tried to find out if he was having an affair. This would have made her feel better in many ways. It wouldn't be her shortcoming that he lost interest in sex, because it was the other woman. She wouldn't be guilty of having the affair because he had one. She wouldn't feel guilty about ending the relationship because she was the good one (in her eyes the true betrayed party!). She has said this time and again how much of this was HIS fault. Not that she made these decisions. Made a conscious choice. She blames everything on the husband, then the Fog.. then the OM, sometimes.. then she goes back to the husband on thin, thing.. did I mention THIN... like fog vapor BS.

With how upset she was about his non interest in sex (which I question)... he sure seemed happy enough to work on the relationship when she said it was the last straw and wanted to leave. This indicates to me that in no way did she appropriately explain her needs and desires to her husband. He seemed more than happy to step up in the relationship (when she was lying and saying she was only unhappy... but not that she was screwing around).

This is a rather sad situation, mostly for the child and husband.


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## MattMatt

anonymouskitty said:


> No no Matt, its their right to expect fidelity, they never think about how the sh!t is going to be if the roles were reversed. I asked my wife what it would have been like if she discovered that I was unfaithful during her affair and how it would be if she discovered that I had a revenge affair during R?
> 
> All she could tell me was that she'd probably have used the former as an excuse to divorce me and cover her own mess up and the latter would have driven her to having a mental breakdown.
> 
> Cheaters are usually quick to take the moral high ground because they see it as an opportunity to cover their tracks and come out with their image intact.
> 
> Proves to me and the rest of us once and for all that torn is indeed a cakeeater who now sees her husband as a liability, a pest that needs to be squished.Hence the all guns blazing approach


I was fortunate. My wife forgave me for my stupid revenge affair and we helped each other heal.


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## Complexity

It's chilling how calculating Torn has become all of a sudden.


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## MattMatt

Complexity said:


> It's chilling how calculating Torn has become all of a sudden.


Perhaps she isn't? Perhaps she is being helped and coached? Now... I wonder who could be doing that?

I think OM is a puppet master. Who gave her the idea, years ago, that H was having an affair? Who gave her the idea to trick H into abandonment? 

I bet OM has been spying on her H since almost day 1.

Hmm. H is a detective and someone has an affair with Torn. Why? Her body or her body plus access to information?


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## Shaggy

Complexity said:


> It's chilling how calculating Torn has become all of a sudden.


Maybe because she's fully back in contact with the OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tizroc

Shaggy said:


> Maybe because she's fully back in contact with the OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More like was never out of contact.


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## Acabado

Calm down, Torn.
Find out what's going on. Don't make life altering decisions in that emotional state.
Can you trace the phone calls of alleged husbands coworker? Can you afford a professional to do so?

Think abut it. If it finnaly is fake and your huband is faithful the circunstances will be the same as they were the first day you posted here. All of your making.

Even if fopr practical porpouses you need to fake ''niceness' towards your husband. Don't burn bridges.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

With all the twists and turns, I can't help but think about the movie 'Bodyheat'.

Body Heat - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## MattMatt

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> With all the twists and turns, I can't help but think about the movie 'Bodyheat'.
> 
> Body Heat - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Could be several reasons for this!


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> Calm down, Torn.
> Find out what's going on. Don't make life altering decisions in that emotional state.
> Can you trace the phone calls of alleged husbands coworker? Can you afford a professional to do so?
> 
> Think abut it. If it finnaly is fake and your huband is faithful the circunstances will be the same as they were the first day you posted here. All of your making.
> 
> Even if fopr practical porpouses you need to fake ''niceness' towards your husband. Don't burn bridges.


I spoke with my H today and told him that I know he is cheating on me. I said that his coworker offers to send off “damning” evidence of his affair over to me. Upon hearing what I just told him, his face turned red, it’s obvious he was stunned. He asks who that person was, and I said it was his coworker. He immediately wants to know that person’s name and how the information was handed to me “In person? phone call? Email? Text? What?” The weirdest thing about my disclosure was his response; he did not say NO, his initial reply was to find out who the information came from. I am dumbfounded by his reaction.

I almost killed myself for him lol, that was dumb, I marry a man 10 years older than me, I made him the happiest man. But he neglect our marriage and me. I guess it's best to know now than be sorry later. Like I said before, I am young. It's not hard for me to find a man who would make me happy. It was wrong I cheated, I shouldn't have. But I am really sad the way my marriage turn for the worst. For the last 6 and half years, I thought he would change. All I want is a husband who will be there for me when I need him. Sex is very important for me, but he refuse to give me the one thing that would make our marriage work.


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## keko

You accused him without showing any proof. What color was his face supposed to turn?


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## tizroc

He is a fricking cop... What did you expect him to say? He is used to interrogations. He is used to keeping things in and collecting data. Sounds like what he did.

I also love how you avoided the fact that you are back in the OM's life. Still haven't been honest with him... Please. Pot. Kettle.. Black.

Wait to see. You are so quick to point fingers. He didn't say anything, which is what you do in interrogations. I did this, and was trained to do this. Step down off your pedestal, and work out what is going on. Not what you think and hope is going on so you can be the good guy.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

keko said:


> You accused him without showing any proof. What color was his face supposed to turn?


Keko, 5 years ago, before I cheated. If my husband say's "Torn, I know you're cheating on me" I would say "HELL, NO!" .. He never admit nor deny the cheating.


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## MattMatt

> I marry a man 10 years older than me


And this is relevant in what way, exactly?

Oh! He should have been grateful that a young, hot woman deigned to give herself to him!

Please!


----------



## Beowulf

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, 5 years ago, before I cheated. If my husband say's "Torn, I know you're cheating on me" I would say "HELL, NO!" .. He never admit nor deny the cheating.


And yet in the end you did cheat. Maybe his reaction is the correct one for someone who didn't and wouldn't cheat. Hmmm

You're still grasping at straws. Meanwhile there is an anchor tied to your ankles and you're dangling off a cliff.


----------



## keko

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, 5 years ago, before I cheated. If my husband say's "Torn, I know you're cheating on me" I would say "HELL, NO!" .. He never admit nor deny the cheating.


People are different. He felt disgusted by you(the cheater) accusing him(the loyal) of cheating. Of course he's going to be in shock and wonder who would try to put dirt on him instead of scream and yell HELL NO.

Do you have a single piece of irrefutable evidence that shows he cheated? 

If not you've been played by either the OM or someone that your husband works with.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I spoke with my H today and told him that I know he is cheating on me. I said that his coworker offers to send off “damning” evidence of his affair over to me. Upon hearing what I just told him, his face turned red, it’s obvious he was stunned. He asks who that person was, and I said it was his coworker. He immediately wants to know that person’s name and how the information handed to me “In person? phone call? Email? Text? What?” The weirdest thing about my disclosure was his response; he did not say NO, his initial reply was to find out who the information came from. I am dumbfounded by his reaction.
> 
> I almost killed myself for him lol, that was dumb, I marry a man 10 years older than me, I made him the happiest man. But he neglect our marriage and me. I guess it's best to know now than be sorry later. Like I said before, I am young. It's not hard for me to find a man who would make me happy. It was wrong I cheated, I shouldn't have. But I am really sad the way my marriage turn for the worst. For the last 6 and half years, I thought he would change. All I want is a husband who will be there for me when I need him. Sex is very important for me, but he refuse to give me the one thing that would make our marriage work.


He did not admit or deny. So you do not know if he's had an affair or not.

The red face could mean guilt or innocence. Think of this….

He’s never had a affair. But someone calls you and says that the “OW’s “ husband will be at your office at 2 to talk to bring you evidence. You now know that your husband’s partner’s husband did not bring you any evidence and he knew nothing about the phone call to you. 

So why would someone do this? It could by your OM trying to cause trouble in your marriage. He knows about your suspicions. 

Or it could be someone at work who wants to harm your husband for some reason. Work place jealocy does exist.

Or it could be some crook who has it out for your husband trying to cause your husband harm. Or distract him from a case. 

This kind of thing does happen. If your husband is innocent how can he prove himself innocent to you if he has no ‘evidence’ to refute or does not know who is setting him up.

This is why we advised you to keep the call you got quiet for a while so you can investigate and get some hard evidence. You have no proof that your husband had cheated on you. None.

But you are going to divorce him anyway based on him cheating?


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> Keko, 5 years ago, before I cheated. If my husband say's "Torn, I know you're cheating on me" I would say "HELL, NO!" .. He never admit nor deny the cheating.


Torn, people who cheat usually deny it until their spouse finds hard evidence of the affair. Do you really think that a cheater is going to admit it when you ask?


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## hookares

Even my cheating ex never tried to turn it back on me.
Torn, you're a real piece of work.:lol:


----------



## Shaggy

His answer is exactly what I would expect from a detective : he asked a question, and didn't volunteer any info. Very typical of someone who does investigations for a living.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> how the information was handed to me “In person? phone call? Email?


Detective at work. Sure enough he's now inquiring at his work place. If this finnaly comes as bogus you will be responsible of many many problems.
Why didn't you investigate the call when the more obvious target was OM rather than your boring, family man of a husband you described us?
I reiterate my suggestion to calm down, to further investigate, to gain perspective.
If you husbad is indeed cheating on you, fine. You will have then something to hang up your guilty feelings and no more reasons to stick with him. You will exit this affair to find a new beginning. But what if he's not cheating at all? Think about it. In that case he will always be your ex, the one you cheated on only to acuse him falsely. Think about your daughter in the middle of this. Even for co parenting it's in your interest to know what's going on here. The truth about your marriage. 
Now, if the goal is simply to file for divorce so you don't need to bother about reality at all well... that's another way to handle things. Nothing original if you ask me.

At this point almost wish he really cheated on you all those years, not to hurt you but to give you both some kind of closure about the end of the marriage. See? I wanted you to get a good resolution on this from the very begining.

Cool down, Torn. Cool down.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

EleGirl said:


> He did not admit or deny. So you do not know if he's had an affair or not.
> 
> The red face could mean guilt or innocence. Think of this….
> 
> He’s never had a affair. But someone calls you and says that the “OW’s “ husband will be at your office at 2 to talk to bring you evidence. You now know that your husband’s partner’s husband did not bring you any evidence and he knew nothing about the phone call to you.
> 
> So why would someone do this? It could by your OM trying to cause trouble in your marriage. He knows about your suspicions.
> 
> Or it could be someone at work who wants to harm your husband for some reason. Work place jealocy does exist.
> 
> Or it could be some crook who has it out for your husband trying to cause your husband harm. Or distract him from a case.
> 
> This kind of thing does happen. If your husband is innocent how can he prove himself innocent to you if he has no ‘evidence’ to refute or does not know who is setting him up.
> 
> This is why we advised you to keep the call you got quiet for a while so you can investigate and get some hard evidence. You have no proof that your husband had cheated on you. None.
> 
> But you are going to divorce him anyway based on him cheating?


If he has been cheating on me for 5 years like the person on the phone told me yesterday, I would divorce him. I had an emotional affair that begun in April of this year, and had a PA in June of 2012 (with "don"), it was a short affair and I could no longer carry on with the affair because of guilt and that's what led me here because I was confused, distraught and I felt disgust for what I did. I had to let it out.

If he is cheating on me for 5 or more years, that would devastate me so much. Because it would proved my long suspicions that the reason he refused to have sex with me was because he is getting it from somewhere else.


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he is cheating on me for 5 or more years, that would devastate me so much. Because it would proved my long suspicions that the reason he refused to have sex with me was because he is getting it from somewhere else.


I get how you feel about it IF he was cheating on your for over 5 years. You would have every reason to leave him. That along with his not wanting sex much with you for years is definitely reason enough to be royally pi$$ed off. 

But you do not have enough evidence yet to prove that he has been cheating. And you have made a huge mistake in telling him that someone called you and told you before you gathered evidence.

Sometimes a person will call or write anonymously to tip off a person that they are being cheated on. But you have no evidence.

What have you done over the years to investigate to see if he has been cheating on you? What if any evidence do you have?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I almost killed myself for him lol, that was dumb, I marry a man 10 years older than me, I made him the happiest man. But he neglect our marriage and me. I guess it's best to know now than be sorry later. Like I said before,* I am young. It's not hard for me to find a man who would make me happy. *It was wrong I cheated, I shouldn't have. But I am really sad the way my marriage turn for the worst. For the last 6 and half years, I thought he would change. All I want is a husband who will be there for me when I need him. Sex is very important for me, but he refuse to give me the one thing that would make our marriage work.


Torn, I'm sure that you're an attractive woman; however, keep in mind that you will be a divorced woman with a young daughter. Not as many men will be game for that kind of responsibility as you think.


----------



## Acabado

As many "potential" betrayed spouses you made the most common mistake we do. To confront with any evidence. Asuming he was indeed cheating for those all years, it was possible to get them. Now he will be erasing any trace he can get. Did you lied to him? Well, expect the same.

For this, investigate. It's really possible he wasn't cheating after all.
The call.


----------



## EleGirl

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Torn, I'm sure that you're an attractive woman; however, keep in mind that you will be a divorced woman with a young daughter. Not as many men will be game for that kind of responsibility as you think.


And Torn... you have to e careful of any man who will go out and marry a woman with a child. The most likely person to molest a child is the non-blood realted boyfriend/husband of the child's mother.

There are men who seek out women with children just to get to the children. You will need to be very protective of your daughter. One rule that helps do this is to not let any man you are dating meet your child until you have been going out with him for at least a year.

A man looking to join a family so he can molest the children will usually not wait around a year for the opportunity. There are too many stupid women around who will give him full access to their children as soon as they start dating.


----------



## MrsDoubtfire

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> If he has been cheating on me for 5 years like the person on the phone told me yesterday, I would divorce him. I had an emotional affair that begun in April of this year, and had a PA in June of 2012 (with "don"), it was a short affair and I could no longer carry on with the affair because of guilt and that's what led me here because I was confused, distraught and I felt disgust for what I did. I had to let it out.
> 
> If he is cheating on me for 5 or more years, that would devastate me so much. Because it would proved my long suspicions that the reason he refused to have sex with me was because he is getting it from somewhere else.


Lady, you do not know if there is any truth in what you were told. The truth, that you are 100% sure of is that you have had an affair with another man. If it is true that he has been cheating, then you are both cheaters, it does not matter who cheated first. whether you cheat for 5 minues or 5 years, Cheating is cheating.I understand how it is to feel rejected by a husband who does not want to have sex. I did not have sex at all for 6 months+ and was very angry at my husband and still am.

Sleeping with someone else has not solved your problems, it seems to be stressing you out even more. The two of you need to talk to each other and decide where you go from here. Do not blame him for something you did though, maybe you were hurt or mad at him but it is your choice that is making you feel so sad.


----------



## EleGirl

We do not know if Mr. Torn cheated, but speaking hypothetically as though Mr. Torn did cheat for 5.7 years. Mr. & Mrs. Torn did both cheat and hence they are both cheaters. To further injure her he rejected her emotionally and sexually for most of their 6 year marriage. 

Our laws recognize the difference between stealing a sandwich when a person is starving versus a career bank robber. The judgment and punishment for the two crimes are very different and rightly so.

Our laws also understand the difference between capital murder and justifiable homicide or man slaughter.

All people have emotion needs. If neglected for long enough most people will end up in an emotional state that makes them susceptible for an affair when a another person comes along and starts paying attention to them and meeting their emotional needs.

Read the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters”. The books are about affair proofing a marriage by meeting your spouse needs and not love busting (doing hurtful things). There are volumes of literature on this topic. It’s not a new concept at all. IT’s been a problem with mankind as long as mankind has lived on this earth. To deny this is just folly.

Mrs. Torn has mentioned from her early posts that something has never seemed right about Mr. Torn’s relationship with his female partner. They talk via telephone when not on duty to an extent that she says seems to be inappropriate. She has said that he sometimes puts his partner ahead of her such as when she is out of town and calls him late at night. He’s on the phone with his partner and ignores his wife’s calls. These are red flags. 

Torn needs a support system. Right now she is falling obviously falling apart and acting rashly. And instead of giving her some support people are having a field day kicking her around. I fear that part of what appears to be her emotional designation can be attributed to the constant attacks against her on this thread.
What is the intent here? To drive her to a complete emotional break down? Or is it to help her?

Yes some here are asking good questions and giving good advice and some tough love. But some seem to be making sport of getting to rip apart a person who has cheat. 

Tough “love” can be a good thing. But it is not tough love to berate, insult and constantly trash someone.


----------



## tizroc

@EleGirl

Mr. Torn stepped up very quickly when she said she was done, because of his lack of attention. He was very responsive and diligently worked on the relationship per Torn's own words. It was Torn who while in supposed good faith continued a relationship with OM while under a NC.

I am sorry, these things don't add up. He is totally unresponsive to her need but steps up immediately to do everything to make it work? Then finds out she had an affair, and does the normal things. Asks for a NC... etc.. Torn says ok, then never completes her end of the bargain. This has many tell tales of Torn having not been completely up front on the reason and status of her relationship. She investigated her husband for years about an affair but found nothing. Now she gets a call from someone, they say they will meet her. When they don't show up she calls that person and they say that they never made that call. Yet she is 100% on board with the husband having been unfaithful with that horrible of a lead?

She has also evaded if she is getting her information from a lawyer, if she has continued further into the relationship with the OM, if the OM is providing for the lawyer... She has flat out stated that she is going to lie about her husband abandoning them. 

I am sorry but while I would normally sympathize with someone who was emotionally abandoned I don't think that she was the abandoned one here. She could have left if that was the case, and then started a new relationship. She chose to cheat, she has chosen to lie to her husband. She has chosen to lie during the R. I am afraid that as you are pursing a lesser charge is invalid in this situation.


----------



## EleGirl

tizroc said:


> @EleGirl
> 
> Mr. Torn stepped up very quickly when she said she was done, because of his lack of attention. He was very responsive and diligently worked on the relationship per Torn's own words. It was Torn who while in supposed good faith continued a relationship with OM while under a NC.


Yes he did seem to step up quickly and start trying to fill her emotional needs. 
Torn has made a half-baked attempt at NC. Very few WS end all contact with their AP immediately. There is often some going back and forth for a short time. That does not excuse what she did. But it’s not unusual either.
Her half-baked NC is probably largely based on her not trusting him. After 6 years of being mostly neglected/rejected why would she trust him? 

AND.. If he has cheated on her for over 5 years, his reaction to her confessing does not excuse his cheating. She really does need to clear this up about him cheating. Whoever called her is just down right cruel for not giving her any hard evidence one way or the other.

Let me tell you about another husband who behaved like hers. I didn’t cheat; instead I moved out and filed for divorce after a few years of NO SEX… I mean ZERO sex and him constantly rejecting me. Like Mr. Torn, my husband had what appeared to be a come to Jesus event and he started to work very hard on our marriage. Our sex life even started up again. We went to counseling, etc. It took me a while to trust him; it was very hard to trust him. I was very deeply hurt emotionally by his neglect. But I did eventually start to trust him again. 

Well after a couple of years the sex ended again, this time with a proclamation that he would never have sex with me again. And he lived up to his words. Then the pieces started to fall into place… he had been cheating on me our entire marriage, having several affairs. The entire time we were in recovery from my filing for divorce he had affairs on the side. The entire marriage was a lie on his part. Why did he go through a false recovery with me? His son is more important to him than anyone or anything in this world. I was not.

If the ‘only’ thing that Mr. Torn did was to neglect Torn emotionally/sexually for almost 6 years, a week or two of him acting like he should have all along does not prove a lot. It’s the long haul that will prove if his change of heart is sincere or not. He has yet to even give a reasonable explanation why he has rejected her sexually most of the time for 6 years. A couple of weeks do not make up for the emotional harm he has done to her and their marriage. Not any more than her half-baked NC makes up for he affair.




tizroc said:


> I am sorry, these things don't add up. He is totally unresponsive to her need but steps up immediately to do everything to make it work?


Well in my world it does add up because I’ve been through it. A person who has neglected their spouse for years seldom turns into a loving spouses overnight. They will often do it for a short time to defuse a current problem but not long term. We see this all the time here. I’ve seen it in real life very often.


tizroc said:


> Then finds out she had an affair, and does the normal things. Asks for a NC... etc.. Torn says ok, then never completes her end of the bargain. This has many tell tales of Torn having not been completely up front on the reason and status of her relationship. She investigated her husband for years about an affair but found nothing.


Well we don’t know the extent of this investigation she did for years now do we? What we do know is that she has a phone bill with a log of off hour phone conversations with his partner. I know that now, with what I know about affairs and male/female relationships I would not accept my husband having phone calls with a female co-works on off hours.

I would like to find out more about what Torn has done to investigate this relationship. 


tizroc said:


> Now she gets a call from someone, they say they will meet her. When they don't show up she calls that person and they say that they never made that call. Yet she is 100% on board with the husband having been unfaithful with that horrible of a lead?


I think you have it wrong here. .. Person A called her and said that OW’S husband (person B) would come by to give her evidence of the affair. But B never shows up. So Torn called B and B knew nothing about a call. Torn knows B very well. She does not know A. She only has a name for A.

Yes she went ballistic over the phone call. Torn is an emotional basket case right now. I’m not surprised and would like the opportunity to take her down without insults and bashing her. But that’s not going to happen on this forum.


tizroc said:


> She has also evaded if she is getting her information from a lawyer, if she has continued further into the relationship with the OM, if the OM is providing for the lawyer


Her style seems to be to get on here and post a few things and respond to a few posts. But she has never meticulously answered questions and made sure that everyone is responded to. This is probably partially because of the sheer volume of posts here. It would be an all-day task to answer every remark and question.

Torn stated, “But do not worry, I am tired of both of them anyway. The OM can go f himself.” She has said other things that to make be believe that after the ‘blackmail visit’ she has not seen or talked to the OM and has ended all contact.


tizroc said:


> She has flat out stated that she is going to lie about her husband abandoning them.


Yep and she is the only person who has ever said something irrational and stupid on this forum when they were angry. I’m shocked. /sarcasm 

As I and others told her, she needs to calm down and this is a completely wrong thing to do. If she tires it, she will not get far with it and she will learn an important lesson in life. But by now I’m sure she knows it will not fly from the things she has been told here.


tizroc said:


> I am sorry but while I would normally sympathize with someone who was emotionally abandoned I don't think that she was the abandoned one here. She could have left if that was the case, and then started a new relationship. She chose to cheat, she has chosen to lie to her husband. She has chosen to lie during the R. I am afraid that as you are pursing a lesser charge is invalid in this situation.


We never know the complete story here. Generally we get only one side. It is completely possible that what she has said here about being mostly emotionally abandoned is true. You can of course believe whatever you want. For one thing it’s a very common thing in marriage for one spouse to emotionally abandon the other … and men do it more often than some seem to realize. While it’s true that cheating is the wrong choice it’s not unusual at all for people who have been seriously emotionally neglected to get into an affair. They are vulnerable and there are predators out there to hone in on vulnerable men and women.

I’m afraid that you do not know enough yet to know what is really know if a lesser charge is valid or not. I’m seeing a lot of knee jerk reactions here. IMHO

And unfortunately, because of the volume of posts with people just having fun trashing Torn, it’s impossible to even have a conversation with her to get to the bottom of things. 

That’s my opinion.


----------



## anonymouskitty

I really think that the best course of action for you would be a divorce, you don't need to take the moral high ground and prolong your misery trying to prove to the world that the reason for your exit is your husband's cheating, why not make a clean break and work on yourself before getting into another relationship??

Your affair is quite clearly an exit affair, your marriage was over a long time before you decided to have an affair. Why not just accept this and move on, instead of trying to milk your husband for all he's worth because your attorney seems to be of that mindset. Just let go and begin anew. I think you owe your husband that much since he set you up in america even though he's probably been cheating on your for five or more years.

My advice make an honourable exit, don't blame the divorce on his infidelity when you have been less than forthcoming yourself but blame it on the collapse of the marriage and be done.

And I agree with Elegirl, most of us have come down hard and some of us have been downright cruel in castigating you. but please understand that we're betrayed spouses and as such our opinions may be biased, I know that no issue can be viewed in black and white but you do come across as a tad bit selfish in your thinking. 

I'm sorry if my comments have hurt you in any, but I do believe that a quick dissolution of the marriage is going to be a lot better than both of you drawing up battle lines and making the process even more painful


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## tizroc

While I appreciate your opinion I stand by that what she says doesn't make sense. Yes, it is a two dimensional view of a three dimensional issue. You however were making some broad brush strokes your assertion of "the lesser" crime.

All I have said is that by her own words she has said.
1. She had an affair.
2. She felt abandoned.
3. She confronted her husband on the abandonment many times.
4. She confronted him again, he got to work on the relationship.
5. She continued to hide the affair.
6. She finally confronted him, agreed to a NC.
7. She didn't complete the NC.
8. She looked into the affair for yeas.
9. She didn't find anything to validate the affair.
10. She believes a very suspicious phone call that she has verified was not the person she believed it was from.

I seriously don't have anything invested in this, and wanted to comment in a positive way. The longer it has gone on though, the more contradictory the information. You have gone on and saying that "IMHO".. "IMHO".. Well, I am new to this board but not these types. So, please understand that I say from what contradictory information OP has provided and her continuous inability to sustain a congruent narrative IMHO it is impossible to take her story at face value. Yes, men check out emotionally, but tend not to "as soon as they get married". They are usually bound to get some mileage from commitment first.

If the OP talked to the husband about it, why was he so willing to step forward now? The ultimatum? This would indicate that she was not being honest in her communications with him earlier as she was at this point for awhile. She however indicated she was very honest about it.

Yes we only know her side of the story. Just as you do. In your ever so humble opinion her horrible story of woe should allow some leeway. That is based on your interpretation of only her side of the information.

From my understanding of what she has said. She obviously didn't make a real effort to get the point across, because the evidence shows he was willing to step up. As he did. So, in my ever so humble opinion her flip flopping on her story, her inability to tell the truth, keep her promises and take appropriate responsibility as well as her apparent over abundant self value cast a shadow over her story, her reasons and her original resolution state. This is, as stated as is with yours.. In our ever humble and benevolent opinions.

I believe this is a case of agreeing to disagree until more information comes to light.


----------



## carpenoctem

EleGirl said:


> QUOTE:
> _Let me tell you about another husband who behaved like hers. I didn’t cheat; instead I moved out and filed for divorce after a few years of NO SEX… I mean ZERO sex and him constantly rejecting me. Like Mr. Torn, my husband had what appeared to be a come to Jesus event and he started to work very hard on our marriage. Our sex life even started up again. We went to counseling, etc. It took me a while to trust him; it was very hard to trust him. I was very deeply hurt emotionally by his neglect. But I did eventually start to trust him again.
> 
> Well after a couple of years the sex ended again, this time with a proclamation that he would never have sex with me again. And he lived up to his words. Then the pieces started to fall into place… he had been cheating on me our entire marriage, having several affairs. The entire time we were in recovery from my filing for divorce he had affairs on the side. The entire marriage was a lie on his part. Why did he go through a false recovery with me? His son is more important to him than anyone or anything in this world. I was not.
> UNQUOTE_
> 
> 
> Elegirl:
> 
> I am so terribly sad to read your story.
> 
> Leave alone a bad married life. The sheer waste of a good human life all those years, when you might have focused (perhaps all) your energies on putting your marriage right.
> 
> You could have done a hundred wonderful things, created a thousand good memories, made a score of great new driends, had a few career jumps and what not, during those years.
> 
> Instead, you waited for your husband to turn his sexual radiator on, and probably disliked yourself for him not doing it.
> 
> In the first place, how insulting it is for a spouse, to have to DEMAND sex from her/his life partner?
> 
> Are you still married to him? Did things change?
> 
> Threadjack? Apologies. I will go read your story.
> 
> 
> My best wishes to you. Have a meaningful day today.


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## EleGirl

Tizroc,

I’m not going to continue to write pages upon pages of responses and argue with you on who is right or wrong here. I am sure that both of us are right on some points and wrong on others. We have different life experiences that lead us to look at things differently. That is obvious.

We simply will have to agree to disagree. 

My interest is to actually get to discuss things with Torn and give her some help as she is obviously falling apart emotionally.


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## tizroc

Since that summarizes what I said about you, thanks for agreeing. The only point I made that was different. No need for input on this, is that I have no emotional investment in this. Her life story doesn't reflect in any way with a past experience of mine. This gives you some insight, but also has you invested in certain ways that might blind you.

Your story is tragic. I am sorry for any pain you had, and might still have. In no way am I trivializing what YOU went through. Nor have I said she is lying about her story only that it doesn't make sense.

As to her story.. we will see. I am thankful she has such stalwart support such as yourself.


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## bandit.45

Words, words, words.....

Wasted. 

Both Torn and her husband are sorry. Neither one of them has the maturity to be a husband or wife to anyone. 

They need to end this farce of a marriage and abstain from marrying anyone in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> 
> QUOTE:
> _Let me tell you about another husband who behaved like hers. I didn’t cheat; instead I moved out and filed for divorce after a few years of NO SEX… I mean ZERO sex and him constantly rejecting me. Like Mr. Torn, my husband had what appeared to be a come to Jesus event and he started to work very hard on our marriage. Our sex life even started up again. We went to counseling, etc. It took me a while to trust him; it was very hard to trust him. I was very deeply hurt emotionally by his neglect. But I did eventually start to trust him again.
> 
> Well after a couple of years the sex ended again, this time with a proclamation that he would never have sex with me again. And he lived up to his words. Then the pieces started to fall into place… he had been cheating on me our entire marriage, having several affairs. The entire time we were in recovery from my filing for divorce he had affairs on the side. The entire marriage was a lie on his part. Why did he go through a false recovery with me? His son is more important to him than anyone or anything in this world. I was not.
> UNQUOTE_
> 
> Elegirl:
> 
> I am so terribly sad to read your story.
> 
> Leave alone a bad married life. The sheer waste of a good human life all those years, when you might have focused (perhaps all) your energies on putting your marriage right.
> 
> You could have done a hundred wonderful things, created a thousand good memories, made a score of great new driends, had a few career jumps and what not, during those years.
> 
> Instead, you waited for your husband to turn his sexual radiator on, and probably disliked yourself for him not doing it.
> 
> In the first place, how insulting it is for a spouse, to have to DEMAND sex from her/his life partner?
> 
> Are you still married to him? Did things change?
> 
> Threadjack? Apologies. I will go read your story.
> 
> 
> My best wishes to you. Have a meaningful day today.
> 
> 
> 
> Thanks for you kind words.
> 
> I did eventually divorce him. Things did not really change.. though I did... for the better I hope. Our divorce was final in 1996.
> 
> My story is not posted here. I have remarried in 2000 and actually came here because of issues with my current... now ex husand. He knows that I post here so I have not left up the very personal things that I have written here. May I'll take the time to write something up.
Click to expand...


----------



## TBT

Maybe there's some kind of p*ssing contest going on behind the scenes that Torn is unaware of between H and OM.The H actions after finding out about the affair seem rather passive and not what I would expect from a seasoned homicide investigator.I think initially that Torn said the OM was hanging around their home and was aggressive in his continued pursuit,but then he went from that to leaving his job and planning to move away.Threats made? Just speculation on my part but it may also explain H red face if he thought OM upped his game.Then again maybe I've just seen too many movies of the week. Whatever the outcome,I hope all involved learn from the experience and make positive changes in their lives no matter where they all eventually end up.


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## TBT

Wonder how this will eventually play out.


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## moco82

Someone has to be a contrarian... The family is a social unit whose primary purpose is procreation. The naive touchy-feely-partnery-share-everything stuff is great if it works out, but someone out there has to suck it up and be an adult, right? Family has to be stable, and stability is the antithesis of passion. Family might be born out of passion, but passion cannot sustain it--if anything, passion can destroy it. If my wife needs passion she can't find at home, let her get it elsewhere--as long as I don't know. It's like a pressure release valve that saves the mechanism at large. Otherwise you could go from relationship to relationship to relationship seeking that El Dorado from the marriage self-help books. In a year it'll all be a hazy memory. Grow up, people, this is how the world had functioned for millennia, why we're all still here and more than 20% of couples still live together into old age.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

moco82 said:


> Someone has to be a contrarian... The family is a social unit whose primary purpose is procreation. The naive touchy-feely-partnery-share-everything stuff is great if it works out, but someone out there has to suck it up and be an adult, right? Family has to be stable, and stability is the antithesis of passion. Family might be born out of passion, but passion cannot sustain it--if anything, passion can destroy it. *If my wife needs passion she can't find at home, let her get it elsewhere--as long as I don't know. *It's like a pressure release valve that saves the mechanism at large. Otherwise you could go from relationship to relationship to relationship seeking that El Dorado from the marriage self-help books. In a year it'll all be a hazy memory. Grow up, people, this is how the world had functioned for millennia, why we're all still here and more than 20% of couples still live together into old age.


I hope to god your wayward wife don't bring back a souvenir that makes your johnson ooze fluorescent green slime -- or worse yet makes you drop dead.


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## happyman64

I'm sorry is it moco or loco???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

moco82 said:


> Someone has to be a contrarian... The family is a social unit whose primary purpose is procreation. The naive touchy-feely-partnery-share-everything stuff is great if it works out, but someone out there has to suck it up and be an adult, right? Family has to be stable, and stability is the antithesis of passion. Family might be born out of passion, but passion cannot sustain it--if anything, passion can destroy it. If my wife needs passion she can't find at home, let her get it elsewhere--as long as I don't know. It's like a pressure release valve that saves the mechanism at large. Otherwise you could go from relationship to relationship to relationship seeking that El Dorado from the marriage self-help books. In a year it'll all be a hazy memory. Grow up, people, this is how the world had functioned for millennia, why we're all still here and more than 20% of couples still live together into old age.


I am a pretty grown up guy. A serious guy. The thing is that I am worth more than this. So I don't have to have this attitude. I choose not to. You can certainly have it. As you say the meek shall inherit the earth. I am not a bird. I am a man. So I choose not to be meek. Many men don't either.

It is NOT inevitbale that your spouse will cheat on you. It helps to have respect for yourself and not settle for being cheated on. It also helps to be engaged in your marriage and not live with ones head in the sand. So again good for you but this would not be acceptable to me because I have value and deserve much more than this. It is also in my character to assume that others have value as well.

So how about you being the guy that gives her passion ....


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## MattMatt

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I hope to god your wayward wife don't bring back a souvenir that makes your johnson ooze fluorescent green slime -- or worse yet makes you drop dead.


I was thinking on those lines. But not quite as graphically, to be honest! :rofl:


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## Count of Monte Cristo

MattMatt said:


> I was thinking on those lines. But not quite as graphically, to be honest! :rofl:


Matt, I wanted to create an unforgettable visual that would hopefully counter Moco's cavalier attitude about infidelity. I also knew that innocent readers might suffer (collateral damage so to speak) but it was a chance that I was willing to take.


----------



## Shaggy

moco82 said:


> Someone has to be a contrarian... The family is a social unit whose primary purpose is procreation. The naive touchy-feely-partnery-share-everything stuff is great if it works out, but someone out there has to suck it up and be an adult, right? Family has to be stable, and stability is the antithesis of passion. Family might be born out of passion, but passion cannot sustain it--if anything, passion can destroy it. If my wife needs passion she can't find at home, let her get it elsewhere--as long as I don't know. It's like a pressure release valve that saves the mechanism at large. Otherwise you could go from relationship to relationship to relationship seeking that El Dorado from the marriage self-help books. In a year it'll all be a hazy memory. Grow up, people, this is how the world had functioned for millennia, why we're all still here and more than 20% of couples still live together into old age.


Everyone is entitled to their opinion. The above is yours.


Here is mine: you are 100% wrong.


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## moco82

I'd get my fill elsewhere too, and life will go on. Rather than wasting it on trying to achieve a fantasy.


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## the guy

Easy guys!


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## Count of Monte Cristo

the guy said:


> Easy guys!


The Guy, as always you're the voice of reason. Thank you.


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## moco82

Count, glad to see you chose not to keep the off-topic post.

Every argument should be evaluated on its merits, and not on judgments about the messenger. When these ideas were first suggested to me, I too scoffed, clinging to the idealistic view of the world. But then it started to make sense: if the sex in an otherwise great relationship is unfixable, why throw out the relationship, only because of sex?


----------



## MattMatt

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Matt, I wanted to create an unforgettable visual that would hopefully counter Moco's cavalier attitude about infidelity. I also knew that innocent readers might suffer (collateral damage so to speak) but it was a chance that I was willing to take.


It worked, mate! It worked really well! Well done!:smthumbup:


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

moco82 said:


> Count, glad to see you chose not to keep the off-topic post.
> 
> Every argument should be evaluated on its merits, and not on judgments about the messenger. When these ideas were first suggested to me, I too scoffed, clinging to the idealistic view of the world. But then it started to make sense: if the sex in an otherwise great relationship is unfixable, why throw out the relationship, only because of sex?


Moco, my apologies -- sometimes I get carried away even in cyberspace. 

Back to the topic at hand. For over twenty years I lived with a less than satisfactory sex life because I thought that there was more to marriage than sex. I never cheated on my ex and the benefits of being married to her far outweighed my sexual dissatisfaction. After all, there's more to marriage than just sex, right? Boy was I wrong.Turns out she really does enjoy sex -- just not with me. Interestingly, she dropped her sexual dysfunction both times when she was trying to get pregnant. (She even had an Excel spreadsheet that charted her ovulation cycle. I never felt so used in the marriage - but I digress.)

Moco, contrary to what you're saying, a lot of people have affairs for things besides sex. And while I wouldn't want my significant other fooling around on me, I can respect the fact that you choose not to mind.


----------



## moco82

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> it might be time that we consciously accepted what has been going on all along, thoughout history (only, it was more a male privilege earlier, and now, women have that pressure exit valve too, on an equal measure).


Precisely. "It might be time" is a little out of place, as we're not inventing the wheel here. It's just one of many societal hypocrisies since the dawn of times.



> Do you mean to say: If you KNOW, it might hurt you? WHY?


Not sure whether it would, but there is is a chance it would hurt the ego due to the possessive machoism we're all indoctrinated into (a previous poster labelled it "not being meek").


----------



## Shaggy

moco82 said:


> Precisely. "It might be time" is a little out of place, as we're not inventing the wheel here. It's just one of many societal hypocrisies since the dawn of times.
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure whether it would, but there is is a chance it would hurt the ego due to the possessive machoism we're all indoctrinated into (a previous poster labelled it "not being meek").


Total babble.

We are not indoctrinated as this implies as false impression of ideals upon the natural order.

The fact is that monogramy is essential to the trust bond between a man and a woman. without it, there is abosolutely no reason for a man to stay and support a woman. If she is letting mutliple men use her then the man has no reason to trust the offspring are his and no reason to stay and support her. only a beta male would accept a woman not being monogamous, and no woman wants a beta male. Hence beta males genes are purged over time from the gene pool as being second rate.

Only monogamous females should be protected by males.


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## moco82

Glad to learn how things work out in the upper Pleistocene, when women couldn't support themselves. Say hi to the mammoths for me.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I hope to god your wayward wife don't bring back a souvenir that makes your johnson ooze fluorescent green slime -- or worse yet makes you drop dead.


I'm going to have nightmares for ages




moco82 said:


> Glad to learn how things work out in the upper Pleistocene, when women couldn't support themselves. Say hi to the mammoths for me.


Moco, you talkin about this furry thing?










Now now, we all know how things work in cuckooland, but unfortunately the people coming on here don't really get excited by that kind of thing,why would you need a "Coping With Infidelity" section? We could all call it the "Celebration of Cuckolding" don't you think?

Just a prehistoric resident of Upper Pleistocene's two rocks( currency I suppose)


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## aug

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> But only a BS who has done it, knows how effing tougher you have to be to stay, than to walk.[/B]



It may be tougher to leave and face the big unknowns than to stay with what you know.


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## moco82

The cross-continental differences in this issue are fascinating. Viewing the topics on the most popular women's forum in another country, apart from ones that are indeed about coping with infidelity: "How to maintain another relationship", "What is the optimal number of lovers", "How to keep the husband from finding out". Wish I knew Farsi or Arabic to gauge whether the internet public in Iran or Saudi Arabia is more conservative than TAM or about the same.


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## tizroc

> The cross-continental differences in this issue are fascinating. Viewing the topics on the most popular women's forum in another country, apart from ones that are indeed about coping with infidelity: "How to maintain another relationship", "What is the optimal number of lovers", "How to keep the husband from finding out". Wish I knew Farsi or Arabic to gauge whether the internet public in Iran or Saudi Arabia is more conservative than TAM or about the same.


You mean where adultery in still a stoning offense?

June 20, 2012 man executed for witch craft and adultery (In saudi, the more moderate of Islamic states)

Or a few years back in 2009 when the Saudi princess was facing charges and the death penalty for adultery?

Last year where an acknowledged rape victim was going to be executed for adultery unless she married her attacker? Because he was married?

Hmmmmm.


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## carpenoctem

aug said:


> It may be tougher to leave and face the big unknowns than to stay with what you know.



:iagree: :iagree:


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## tizroc

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> :iagree: :iagree:


Chemically the brain doesn't see much difference between leaving a long term relationship and being burned. It can be a very brave thing to do, a painful thing to do as well.


----------



## carpenoctem

tizroc said:


> Chemically the brain doesn't see much difference between leaving a long term relationship and being burned. It can be a very brave thing to do, a painful thing to do as well.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## EleGirl

moco82 said:


> The cross-continental differences in this issue are fascinating. Viewing the topics on the most popular women's forum in another country, apart from ones that are indeed about coping with infidelity: "How to maintain another relationship", "What is the optimal number of lovers", "How to keep the husband from finding out". Wish I knew Farsi or Arabic to gauge whether the internet public in Iran or Saudi Arabia is more conservative than TAM or about the same.


There are many forums/support sites for the kind of thing you mention here in the USA.

TAM just happens to focuse of a different point of view when it come to marriage.

As for Farsi and Arabic sites? Not for the women in those countries. Societal rules in those countries are even so much more strict than in any western country. There is no way there is a site like that.


----------



## MattMatt

Isn't this getting a little sidetracked, chaps?


----------



## tizroc

> Saudi Arabia is NOT a moderate nation.


I was very aware of that. Our trades with Saudi are what makes our Government want to make them look moderate.. but seriously. That are other countries that allow women to drive and many other things.


----------



## lordmayhem

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> *Quote:
> Originally posted by Shaggy:*
> _We are not indoctrinated as this implies as false impression of ideals upon the natural order._
> *Unquote*
> 
> Since we are on this topic, may I add some observations:
> 
> *Anthropologically, the natural order (unpleasantly so) of humans, was / is polygamous.
> 
> Monogamy was / is a choice (in modern times).
> 
> In earlier times, monogamy was a stricture imposed by religion and society for various purposes -- order, control, easier resource sharing (marriage is still, in essence, a financial contract). *When the men broke this stricture, it was tolerated. When women did it, they were excoriated socially.
> 
> Conceptually, when man was the sole provider, the payback by the wife was child-bearing *(which was in reality a live-or-die situation for many centuries, before modern medicare), *and rearing. Sexual exclusivity was added to the equation by a male-ruled society. This was mostly a one-way street (men were not really sexually exclusive to their wives).
> 
> The reference is to the paradigm, not the practice (in practice, women who were in a position to be polygamous, probably have been polygamous throughout history too. Only that men were in a better position to be polygamous).
> 
> In short, even then, monogamy was somewhat of a choice.
> 
> *Now, men are not the sole providers, so the women who choose to work (other than as a home-maker) do not per se have to barter sexual exclusivity for financial reasons. *Women who earn their own money can choose to be monogamous or polygamous upfront if they want. Women who still depend on the men financially, might have to pretend to be monogamous, while being otherwise in secret (if they want).
> 
> *Monogamy has always been a choice. It was / is not a natural order, but more like a societal / religious / cultural / traditional order.
> 
> The conflict arises from: promising / pretending to be monogamous, and being polygamous – *DECEPTION. Breach of promise. And the web of lies and dishonesty and trickery and denigration and... ...all those negatives required to sustain most affairs.
> 
> 
> *Now, men and women can be polygamous (going by human nature), or monogamous (by human choice), or live by WYDKWHY (whatyoudontknowwonthurtyou).
> 
> Soon, those who are monogamous by choice will be seen the same league as 40 year-old virgins are seen now.
> 
> Ouch.
> 
> 
> 
> Quote:
> Originally posted by Shaggy:*
> _The fact is that monogramy is essential to the trust bond between a man and a woman. without it, there is abosolutely no reason for a man to stay and support a woman.
> If she is letting mutliple men use her then the man has no reason to trust the offspring are his and no reason to stay and support her._
> *Unquote*
> 
> 
> In many cultures, men are allowed to have multiple wives, while the women are not allowed to have multiple husbands. *Reason given: if women are allowed to be polygamous, paternity of the child would often be undeterminable.*
> 
> The argument that whomsoever the woman points out as the father must be *deemed *the father, is not accepted. *(We may view / review the ‘child of the marriage’ concept in modern Law in the light of this medieval percept).*
> 
> But then again, if a man is supposed to provide for a child, it better be his own child. *In all fairness.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Quote:
> Originally posted by Shaggy:*
> _Only monogamous females should be protected by males._
> *Unquote*
> 
> 
> 
> The importance of male ‘protection’ in a day-to-day, societal sense has diminished, with the establishment of strong systems of governance, and gender-favourable laws.
> 
> *But male ‘protection’ as in men going to war and dying to protect the country / people (if men are at war, the 'people' left behind are mostly women, children and the elderly - so this also translates as 'protetcing the women'), remains as such. *But this too will / might change / is changing.
> 
> 
> 
> *Quote:
> Originally posted by Shaggy:*
> _only a beta male would accept a woman not being
> monogamous, and no woman wants a beta male. Hence beta males genes are purged over time from the gene pool as being second rate._
> 
> 
> 
> Just a side note:
> 
> In the recent shootout at the Batman movie, *those three young men who died shieldfing their girlfriends from the bullets – they must be seen as Alpha by true definition.*
> 
> Peraps they were not considered Alpha while they lived – because they did not conform to the standard / prevalent alpha definitions (I am making an assumption, in order to make a point).
> 
> *But in death they proved they were more alpha than most whom we see as Alphas.*


I usually agree with you, no offense, but I find your posts *VERY* difficult to follow because you're not using the quote command, and it's a hassle to try to determine which is the quote and which is your response. That's kind of why I usually skip over your posts.


----------



## carpenoctem

lordmayhem said:


> I usually agree with you, no offense, but I find your posts *VERY* difficult to follow because you're not using the quote command, and it's a hassle to try to determine which is the quote and which is your response. That's kind of why I usually skip over your posts.



somehow, the 'multi-quote' button does not respond when I try it. 
I am just not able to insert many quotes in a post.

hence, the mess. apologies, lord.


----------



## anonymouskitty

*carpenoctem* you need to multi quote all the threads you've read and then press quote again to do what you're trying to do.


----------



## EleGirl

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> somehow, the 'multi-quote' button does not respond when I try it.
> I a just not able to insert many quotes in a post.
> 
> hence, the mess. apologies, lord.


I'm confused, why can't you insert quotes in a post?

Just put the [ Q U O T E ] and [ / Q U O T E ] , without spaces, around blocks of text.


----------



## moco82

*carpenoctem*, if you dig deeper, you must ask why nature even came up with bi-sexual reproduction. Did mitosis or monosexual reproduction not suffice? Why did bi-sexually-reproducing species get so far more advanced? With one of the sexes producing offspring, the other sex becomes just consumable material, accelerating natural selection. If a hermaphrodite is a loser, it'll just find another loser hermaphrodite to mate. Social sexually reproducing species limit reproductive rights: we all know about lion prides, but there are species like elephant seals in which a ridiculously low single-digit percentage of males get to mate.

[What's the topic of this thread again? ]


----------



## Shaggy

Can we please stop the thread jacking already!


----------



## tizroc

Shaggy said:


> Can we please stop the thread jacking already!


It does create a frightful mess!


----------



## MattMatt

Shaggy said:


> Can we please stop the thread jacking already!


:iagree:


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

The conundrum which my husband and I both developed has been the source of my depression, sadness and confusion. My family began to fall apart and the only victim out of all this is my daughter. So I found a resolution to resolve my problem.
1.	I applied for a new job in another financial institution, had my interview today. Overall, I felt good about it. I have a feeling I will get an offer. The OM can no longer bully me into seeing him because if I get the new job, I won’t be working for the company where we initially met.
2.	I have gathered evidence of my husband cheating: Text, emails and phone records. I am keeping my mouth shut this time; I will not confront him whatsoever until everything is completed and my divorce is corroborated with evidence, he is toast.
3.	I have an attorney to help me through this ordeal.
4.	I will continue to meet with the councilor
5.	I spend a lot of time with my daughter and my friends
6.	I finally told my mom and dad
7.	I just feel so much better today!


----------



## keko

No offense but if your husband was really cheating, you wouldn't be quitting your job. You wouldn't be caring about what he says. Just my opinion.

BTW a cheating does not get a person "toasted" in a divorce. You'll have a hard time convincing a judge as a cheater yourself.


----------



## happyman64

Torn,
I am glad you are back.

Has your H ever admitted to the affair?

I liked your post and you sound positive about your future.

No matter what happens take care of your daughter.

HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> The conundrum which my husband and I both developed has been the source of my depression, sadness and confusion. My family began to fall apart and the only victim out of all this is my daughter. So I found a resolution to resolve my problem.
> 1.	I applied for a new job in another financial institution, had my interview today. Overall, I felt good about it. I have a feeling I will get an offer. The OM can no longer bully me into seeing him because if I get the new job, I won’t be working for the company where we initially met.
> 2.	I have gathered evidence of my husband cheating: Text, emails and phone records. I am keeping my mouth shut this time; I will not confront him whatsoever until everything is completed and my divorce is corroborated with evidence, he is toast.
> 3.	I have an attorney to help me through this ordeal.
> 4.	I will continue to meet with the councilor
> 5.	I spend a lot of time with my daughter and my friends
> 6.	I finally told my mom and dad
> 7.	I just feel so much better today!


This sounds likea good approach.

The new job will be a very good way for you to get away from all things OM, to start fresh.

Gathering evidence for now seems wise. You do sound a lot better.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> The conundrum which my husband and I both developed has been the source of my depression, sadness and confusion. My family began to fall apart and the only victim out of all this is my daughter. So I found a resolution to resolve my problem.
> 1.	I applied for a new job in another financial institution, had my interview today. Overall, I felt good about it. I have a feeling I will get an offer. The OM can no longer bully me into seeing him because if I get the new job, I won’t be working for the company where we initially met.
> 2.	I have gathered evidence of my husband cheating: Text, emails and phone records. I am keeping my mouth shut this time; I will not confront him whatsoever until everything is completed and my divorce is corroborated with evidence, he is toast.
> 3.	I have an attorney to help me through this ordeal.
> 4.	I will continue to meet with the councilor
> 5.	I spend a lot of time with my daughter and my friends
> 6.	I finally told my mom and dad
> 7.	I just feel so much better today!


Torn, I'm glad that you're back. For the last few days, I've forgotten the initial topic of this thread.

The truth does set you free. However, it appears that you're building up a lot of resentment against your husband. Since you're both are guilty of infidelity, my suggestion is to try and make the divorce as amicable as possible. Easier said than done -- but very possible. You don't want to enrich your attorneys by trying to make 'toast' of each other. You also have your daughter to think about because you and your husband will be tethered together for a long time taking care of her. Good luck.


----------



## tizroc

If you have proof, good for you. It will make your over all projection or divorce easier for you. Please watch what you say about your husband, your daughter has to live with what you say and some day marry herself.

also be careful of what you see in texts, and such. If it is post you admitting to an affair it can be wishful thinking, revenge.. so on. That isn't to say he could have made better choices. Just that your cast stone will hit a mirror.


----------



## warlock07

So you found the proof?


----------



## mina

of course she didn't. I have a foreign friend just like her: came to the country young, let an older man pay her way through school, got a great job then found a way to dump his [email protected]@ and move along. yes I think she took the house and car and everything else too. 

she lied to make it like he was the reason she left "oh, it was so unlivable" - it was really her just taking what she felt she was entitled to and moving on. 

sorry but that's how I see this entire saga.


----------



## tizroc

I know I am going to get the broom handle for this,but in all honesty a lot of this read exactly that way. I don't believe that after 5 years of hunting through his phone and computer she all of a sudden has something. I think him and his work partner started talking **** about her, and how he deserves someone better and the is taking bits and pieces and planning on saying it is cheating.

I also have a hard time with the double standard that women show up on these boards saying.. Oh, I had to beg for sexual attention. It is cruel. Now you know what it is like to be a guy in a relationship on occasions. BUT the difference is it is alright for a woman to hold out for awhile (even a few months) but a man who holds out is being criminal.... because you just don't do that.

The hypocrisy tends to stink things up. These posts from TWO are just like that. They read like she wanted out from the beginning. Showed no remorse, yes fear.. her husband is regularly armed. She hasn't kept her word or honestly tried reconciliation. Now she goes jumping off because she thinks he is cheating... Oh I have proof... I am just not going to say what it is.. because you will point out it isn't proof and I won't be able to delude myself into thinking I am in the right.

You aren't sweets. You are within our Rights to divorce, but not right.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

happyman64 said:


> Torn,
> I am glad you are back.
> 
> Has your H ever admitted to the affair?
> 
> I liked your post and you sound positive about your future.
> 
> No matter what happens take care of your daughter.
> 
> HM64
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


HappyMan,
Thank you. I am tired of being sad and depressed, it’s time to pick myself up and move on. I appreciate all the input (especially the less negative ones) on here; I found solace during the time I was down. 

My husband will never admit to the affair, he doesn’t have to, evidence speak for itself


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> So you found the proof?


Yes, lots of it. I was able to hacked his cell phone and computer password.


----------



## warlock07

What was the proof?


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

tizroc said:


> I know I am going to get the broom handle for this,but in all honesty a lot of this read exactly that way. I don't believe that after 5 years of hunting through his phone and computer she all of a sudden has something. I think him and his work partner started talking **** about her, and how he deserves someone better and the is taking bits and pieces and planning on saying it is cheating.
> 
> I also have a hard time with the double standard that women show up on these boards saying.. Oh, I had to beg for sexual attention. It is cruel. Now you know what it is like to be a guy in a relationship on occasions. BUT the difference is it is alright for a woman to hold out for awhile (even a few months) but a man who holds out is being criminal.... because you just don't do that.
> 
> The hypocrisy tends to stink things up. These posts from TWO are just like that. They read like she wanted out from the beginning. Showed no remorse, yes fear.. her husband is regularly armed. She hasn't kept her word or honestly tried reconciliation. Now she goes jumping off because she thinks he is cheating... Oh I have proof... I am just not going to say what it is.. because you will point out it isn't proof and I won't be able to delude myself into thinking I am in the right.
> 
> You aren't sweets. You are within our Rights to divorce, but not right.


You have NO idea what you're talking about sir. You're all assumption.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

mina said:


> of course she didn't. I have a foreign friend just like her: came to the country young, let an older man pay her way through school, got a great job then found a way to dump his [email protected]@ and move along. yes I think she took the house and car and everything else too.
> 
> she lied to make it like he was the reason she left "oh, it was so unlivable" - it was really her just taking what she felt she was entitled to and moving on.
> 
> sorry but that's how I see this entire saga.


I laugh out loud. I live with this man for six years. Imagine this, 6 years, 2190 days equal to 35 sex. ALL our sex encounter was initiated by ME. Like I said, I am tired, Im done and Im over it.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

warlock07 said:


> What was the proof?


They were texting each other to meet up in the closest hotel in the city, what could they be doing there? Also, he wanted her to know when I am out of town for work. Why? and btw, I hired an undercover detective to take picture of both of them. I may frame the photo and send it to her husband.


----------



## DawnD

What are you hoping to get out of this Torn? He cheated. You cheated. Ummmmm...... I don't see how you are gonna have any leverage honestly.


----------



## EleGirl

tizroc said:


> I also have a hard time with the double standard that women show up on these boards saying.. Oh, I had to beg for sexual attention. It is cruel. Now you know what it is like to be a guy in a relationship on occasions. BUT the difference is it is alright for a woman to hold out for awhile (even a few months) but a man who holds out is being criminal.... because you just don't do that.


You surely are not reading the same TAM boards that I am reading and participating in. I have never once read a regular female poster here way that it’s ok for a woman to “hold out for a awhile (even a few months)”. Not once. When a woman comes here with a similar attitude we regular female posters are right there with the men telling her that it’s wrong to do that.

Neither men nor women should be withhold affection and sex from their spouse on a regular basis.. it’s abusive to do so. 


tizroc said:


> Now you know what it is like to be a guy in a relationship on occasions.


So what is your point? That women like me whose husbands withhold sex deserve it because some other woman withheld sex from her husband? So why are you throwing these words at us as though somehow we should be punished for what other people do? Women whose husbands withhold sex have no responsibility for what other women do. 

I don’t know why you are so pissed at women who have this happen to them. 



tizroc said:


> The hypocrisy tends to stink things up.


Find me one woman (a regular poster) here who believes that it’s ok for a woman to withhold sex from her husband but not ok when a man does it. When you find that one woman you will have found that hypocrite. Let us know who she is. We’ve not met her yet.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

DawnD said:


> What are you hoping to get out of this Torn? He cheated. You cheated. Ummmmm...... I don't see how you are gonna have any leverage honestly.


I found solace in this place when I was down. Most people are truly amazing here, they gave me support, advice and even scold me for somethings I've done wrong. I, however, will not argue with you about why it's wrong for him to cheat on me for most of our marriage and still carry on with the affair during our R. I am also tired of repeating myself about the affair I had.


----------



## hookares

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I laugh out loud. I live with this man for six years. Imagine this, 6 years, 2190 days equal to 35 sex. ALL our sex encounter was initiated by ME. Like I said, I am tired, Im done and Im over it.


If I have learned anything from twenty years of marriage to a cheater it's that once the sex is gone, it's time to split.
If you don't care enough to share your body with your spouse, then you really are only staying together for financial convenience.


----------



## DawnD

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I found solace in this place when I was down. Most people are truly amazing here, they gave me support, advice and even scold me for somethings I've done wrong. I, however, will not argue with you about why it's wrong for him to cheat on me for most of our marriage and still carry on with the affair during our R. I am also tired of repeating myself about the affair I had.


 No one asked you to repeat yourself or arguing with you. I asked what you hope to get out of this. You keep speaking of your lawyer, and how you are going to toast him. how? You show that he committed adultery, and he shows that you did. It seems to just go around in a circle. Its a simple question.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

hookares said:


> If I have learned anything from twenty years of marriage to a cheater it's that once the sex is gone, it's time to split.
> If you don't care enough to share your body with your spouse, then you really are only staying together for financial convenience.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## EleGirl

hookares said:


> If I have learned anything from twenty years of marriage to a cheater it's that once the sex is gone, it's time to split.
> If you don't care enough to share your body with your spouse, then you really are only staying together for financial convenience.


Unfortunately a lot of people (myself included) try for far to long to fix things. And the other spouse is not honest enough to just tell us what is going on to set us free.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

hookares said:


> If I have learned anything from twenty years of marriage to a cheater it's that once the sex is gone, it's time to split.
> If you don't care enough to share your body with your spouse, then you really are only staying together for financial convenience.


 I love him. I used to cry every time he refuses to have sex with me. I tried everything I can possibly do to have him be more sexually active in our marriage. I wore lingerie, I clean the house, I cook, yada yada yada. I continue to live with him for fear of being alone. Obviously, I believe that he will change someday but he didn’t. 

During the first year of our marriage, my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I began doubting my appearance; I start to believe I was unattractive. But thanks to my job, my friends and my daughter, they bounce me back to normal, to being me again before marrying this man. I am no longer, the rejected wife of my husband.


----------



## EleGirl

DawnD said:


> No one asked you to repeat yourself or arguing with you. I asked what you hope to get out of this. You keep speaking of your lawyer, and how you are going to toast him. how? You show that he committed adultery, and he shows that you did. It seems to just go around in a circle. Its a simple question.


My bet is that Torn is still dealing with a lot of anger now that she has found out that her entire 6 year marriage has been a farse.


----------



## Acabado

I sorry you confirmed he was cheating while whitholding sex/affection for so much time. I can understand your anger. I hope you feel relieved you don't need to try anymore.

I get your actual concerns are mosty practical but please don't forget to learn from your own poor choices. Don't put them in the pile of "sh!t happens" and keep healing. In order to betray your husband you had to betray yourself first. Face your own failure, learn from it. It will pay forever.

And don't forget you weren't actually in real R, you never came clean and were in continued contact with your AP. So the part you acuse your husband of "carry on with the affair during our R" is mostly bull.


----------



## Tornbetweenthetwo

Acabado said:


> I sorry you confirmed he was cheating while whitholding sex/affection for so much time. I can understand your anger. I hope you feel relieved you don't need to try anymore.
> 
> I get your actual concerns are mosty practical but please don't forget to learn from your own poor choices. Don't put them in the pile of "sh!t happens" and keep healing. In order to betray your husband you had to betray yourself first. Face your own failure, learn from it. It will pay forever.
> 
> And don't forget you weren't actually in real R, you never came clean and were in continued contact with your AP. So the part you acuse your husband of "carry on with the affair during our R" is mostly bull.


Prior to shifting my plan, I told my husband about the OM. I told him that I met with the OM and confessed fully about it. He was sad, and showed anger towards him. For some reason, I just feel very weird about my confession, he doesn’t seem to be affected by my cheating so much, and let me get away with it, by that I mean, and he hugged and said it was “OK”.


----------



## Acabado

> he doesn’t seem to be affected by my cheating so much, and let me get away with it, by that I mean, and he hugged and said it was “OK”.


 You now know why. Why the hell should he feel outraged? Maybe someday, once the this calm down you can sit with him and have a serious grown up talk about his sudden lack of interest practicaly after the wedding, his cheating... Could be linked both? Maybe you don't give a damm anyway.
So... what's your plan? Are you going to confront him with the pictures, the texts planning the hotel hookup etc? Do you plan to out MOW to her BH?

By the way, what about OM? Are you still in contact? Does he keep blackmailing? Why do you plan changing jobs instead of coming clean to HR? Don't you think OM could still mess with the new job if you don't cave in?


----------



## DawnD

EleGirl said:


> My bet is that Torn is still dealing with a lot of anger now that she has found out that her entire 6 year marriage has been a farse.


I am sure she is. But I doubt this is the time to freak out and try to burn someone when you are in the same exact boat. Making it extremely messy out of anger won't make it any easier on her child.


----------



## aug

This story is moving too fast. 

Private detective able to get pictures this quickly after the husband knows you're onto him? And he's still seeing the OW after you confronted him a few days ago?

And able to hack his phone and his computer?

I think this is all very impressive. Probably explains why you are able to become a branch manager in only a couple of years and at such a young age.


----------



## EleGirl

DawnD said:


> I am sure she is. But I doubt this is the time to freak out and try to burn someone when you are in the same exact boat. Making it extremely messy out of anger won't make it any easier on her child.


A 6 year affair is not exactly in the same boat as a 4-6 week affair. In states where adultry is allowed for the reason for divorce severals things make a difference incourt: the length of an affair, wether or not the affair ended before filing for divorce, if the other spouse forgave the affair and the amount of community assets that were spent on the affair.

People often say crazy, angry things when they start the divorce process.. hopefully the anger subsides sooner than later. I think that we just need to keep giving advice, as you have, that anger and trying use the divorce process to ruin her husband will hurt her and her daughter in the end.


----------



## EleGirl

aug said:


> This story is moving too fast.
> 
> Private detective able to get pictures this quickly after the husband knows you're onto him? And he's still seeing the OW after you confronted him a few days ago?
> 
> And able to hack his phone and his computer?
> 
> I think this is all very impressive. Probably explains why you are able to become a branch manager in only a couple of years and at such a young age.


What i read is that she has hired a PI in hopes of getting pictures of them. She does not have pictures yet.


----------



## aug

EleGirl said:


> What i read is that she has hired a PI in hopes of getting pictures of them. She does not have pictures yet.



And I read that she has the pictures from her here:


Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> and btw, I hired an undercover detective to take picture of both of them. I may frame the photo and send it to her husband.


I can see why you think she does not have the pictures yet. The way she worded it, I leaned the other way on first reading.


----------



## EleGirl

aug said:


> And I read that she has the pictures from her here:
> 
> 
> I can see why you think she does not have the pictures yet. The way she worded it, I leaned the other way on first reading.


I guess it's up for interpretation. My assuption was that since she only just hired the PI she did not have photos yet. She probably sent the PI to the hotel they were meeting at.


----------



## spudster

Good lord....

I just read through the whole thread from beginning to end and I have this urge to just hang myself with my own belt....

Wooaaaaah.... just kidding Mods! Just Kidding!


----------



## MaritimeGuy

Torn

I went through a divorce 8 years ago now. It is the most difficult/painful thing I have ever gone through in my life up to this point. 

My one piece of advice is for the sake of your daughter try to make the divorce as 'amicable' as humanly possible. Settle financial matters fairly and plan to both play a role in your daughters life. Your daughter will be the loser if one of your devastates the other in a divorce. 

I hear/read many people talk about staying married for the sake of the kids. I agree...the ideal situation for a child is to grow up in a loving two parent home. However sometimes this becomes impossible. The next best thing is spending their time between two loving single parent homes. Growing up in a situation where mom and dad resent one another is not a very good situation.

It's unfortunate all the things you've gone through in your marriage. I wish you the best of luck in trying to get your life back in order.


----------



## kostas

trust me all men are made from the same **** wrapped around with honey including me and what i mean with that is when the OM honey runs out you will probably like less the OMs **** from your husbands because you are used to that particular taste. This of course goes also for women and at the end of the day a relationship is based on trust and concessions and when trust is broken then concessions are to big to bear and you either have to chose to live in a trans or face the reality and move on. so do the honest think and check out before you completely damage your husband.


----------



## EleGirl

kostas said:


> trust me all men are made from the same **** wrapped around with honey including me and what i mean with that is when the OM honey runs out you will probably like less the OMs **** from your husbands because you are used to that particular taste. This of course goes also for women and at the end of the day a relationship is based on trust and concessions and when trust is broken then concessions are to big to bear and you either have to chose to live in a trans or face the reality and move on. so do the honest think and check out before you completely damage your husband.


Guess you have not read the thread?


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## MattMatt

EleGirl said:


> Guess you have not read the thread?


I think he is saying, either work it out with your husband, or move on?


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## EleGirl

MattMatt said:


> I think he is saying, either work it out with your husband, or move on?


I agree that's what the end of the post says..

But the middle of it makes it sound like he's not aware that she has ended the affair, verified a long term affair on his part, and is filing for divorce.

Of course ti would take hours to catch up on the entire thread at this late date


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## MattMatt

EleGirl said:


> I agree that's what the end of the post says..
> 
> But the middle of it makes it sound like he's not aware that she has ended the affair, verified a long term affair on his part, and is filing for divorce.
> 
> Of course ti would take hours to catch up on the entire thread at this late date


Yeah, especially since the stream of conscience threadjack!:rofl:


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## carpenoctem

MattMatt said:


> Yeah, especially since the stream of conscience threadjack!:rofl:




Yes, Sir.

*Stream of Con Science – the ancient art of packing one gram of meaning in a kilogram of words.

Threajackass – the new cyber species of Asinus Coitus Interruptus. An Endangering Species. The human equivalent of a Rubber that is guaranteed to break.*

Why waste a bullet, when you can shift-delete?


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## tizroc

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I laugh out loud. I live with this man for six years. Imagine this, 6 years, 2190 days equal to 35 sex. ALL our sex encounter was initiated by ME. Like I said, I am tired, Im done and Im over it.


Not all assumptions, it is a narrative based pm the story you have told. It is contradictory, full of many other issues. If the narrative I base my advice of is off please accept my apologizes.

I do believe that sexual intimacy is a vital part of a healthy relationship. I also find it disgustingly (not you in particularly yourself that women have used intercourse hostage). Yet the absolutely lose their sh!t if the tables are turned. They claim it is humiliating and quite a few of them have used it as their case for infidelity.

That aside my only true distaste for the narrative you have provided is that you failed in keeping the NC. Amongst other things. This medium (internet) isn't good at relaying everything your provide. What I have is a post that seems manipulative, asking him to move out.. We know you had an affair, and appeared to want him to make it work... but the RUMOR of his is a deal breaker. That isn't usually a sign I consider of a healthy human. You are however under a lot of pressure and I can understand that you are frustrated. You feel betrayed... and hurt. I am sorry you feel that way.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

In response to Aug:

The only period that the nature of my job has become relevant to this thread was when some posters are recommending for me to leave my job to start afresh with my husband. It sound perfect, but in the real world, no one can just “quit” their job to fix their marriage.

Also, you were saying that it was “impossible” for me to have this type of job only after 8 years of being in this country? First of all, Branch manager is not exactly some “cushy” job many people who never held a profession in banking may believe to be. This is one of the most challenging jobs in the financial industry; long hours, sales pressure, manage some difficult employees (tellers, bankers), telemarketing, onsite sales. Branch "sales" manager is an all around maid in the financial world. 

In addition, it is not "impossible" to be a branch manager in just a short period of time. Some of the managers I’ve met are even younger than I am, they happen to have the privileged to join the “management trainee” while in college. As for me, I started out as a customer service two years ago, immediately promoted a year later to business banker and now through hard work and determination I was elevated to branch sales manager position this year. It was not my intention to disclosed what I do for a living; however you were questioning my posts as if I am a fraud. I will not waste my time on here to troll.

Since I came on here, I was advice to tell my husband right away about the affair, I did a week later. I was consumed with guilt and I absorbed some of the posters energy that had been one of the reason for my immidiate confession. We went to two MC session, we tried and his back to his normal self. 

I told my mother, father, and my very close friends about my failing marriage, a friend of mine suggested of finding an evidence of his infidelity as we long suspect that he is up to something. So a friend of mine who work as a programmer was able to hack his password, and computer history, we were able to retrieved some of the emails between him and the OW.

I don’t know if it was my short time affair that I am having a hard time discussing this matter here with an open mind or is it because I’m a woman that I attract some of the nastiest posters or "person" on here.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I don’t know if it was my short time affair that I am having a hard time discussing this matter here with an open mind or is it because I’m a woman that I attract some of the nastiest posters or "person" on here.


Actually Torn, the nasty comments are not because you're a woman. They're because you are a cheater. I don't think us betrayed spouses discriminate based on sex when it comes to doling out harsh medicine.

(BTW, I respect the fact that you've stuck around in the face of some really brutal criticism. I've seen waywards hightail it for the hills after just one post because they couldn't handle the criticism.)


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

MaritimeGuy said:


> Torn
> 
> I went through a divorce 8 years ago now. It is the most difficult/painful thing I have ever gone through in my life up to this point.
> 
> My one piece of advice is for the sake of your daughter try to make the divorce as 'amicable' as humanly possible. Settle financial matters fairly and plan to both play a role in your daughters life. Your daughter will be the loser if one of your devastates the other in a divorce.
> 
> I hear/read many people talk about staying married for the sake of the kids. I agree...the ideal situation for a child is to grow up in a loving two parent home. However sometimes this becomes impossible. The next best thing is spending their time between two loving single parent homes. Growing up in a situation where mom and dad resent one another is not a very good situation.
> 
> It's unfortunate all the things you've gone through in your marriage. I wish you the best of luck in trying to get your life back in order.


Maritime,

Thank you for your sound advice.

Yesterday and Today, I had to pick up my daughter from daycare. I took her out shopping and went swimming with her, she was really happy. I was very proud when in a very clear tone, she says “mommy, daddy”. I was really sad to hear that, because I feel very trap.

I accused my husband a week and half ago of cheating, and right now I am trying to erase that thought in his mind as I am trying to get as much evidence as I can. Many people will not understand, but, although I cheated (for 4 months), I confessed and regretted everything. I cheated because of my desire to be desired. My husband has been (I believe) cheating on me throughout our marriage and the thought of him doings “things” with the OW while he refused to be intimate with me enraged my inner being.

If I stay marriage, it will only be because I love my daughter.


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## bandit.45

Wish you and hubby could just agree you both botched it and go your separate ways. Really...this is a pathetic relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Actually Torn, the nasty comments are not because you're a woman. They're because you are a cheater. I don't think us betrayed spouses discriminate based on sex when it comes to doling out harsh medicine.
> 
> (BTW, I respect the fact that you've stuck around in the face of some really brutal criticism. I've seen waywards hightail it for the hills after just one post because they couldn't handle the criticism.)


I been nothing but polite and accepts criticism as guidance to my sanity. I have not been spiteful to anyone on here, but seriously, some of the so-called criticisms are just downright disrespectful.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Tornbetweenthetwo said:


> I been nothing but polite and accepts criticism as guidance to my sanity. I have not been spiteful to anyone on here, but seriously, some of the so-called criticisms are just downright disrespectful.


Torn, you obviously gain some benefits from posting here, or else you would not have stuck around for so long. Think of the various posts as menu items on a buffet that you can pick and choose from. Take what you like and leave what you do not like. Also, keep in mind that a lot of people are getting a lot of help from your thread.


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## Tornbetweenthetwo

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Torn, you obviously gain some benefits from posting here, or else you would not have stuck around for so long. Think of the various posts as menu items on a buffet that you can pick and choose from. Take what you like and leave what you do not like. Also, keep in mind that a lot of people are getting a lot of help from your thread.


Count, I’m sure that these threads as well as some others threads on this site have been a good source of wisdom for some married couples, newly wed and people who are in a relationship. I’m eternally grateful to have found this place.


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## aug

Torn,

I stand by my statement that what you have done is impressive. 

If you do divorce, I feel that you'll be okay.

If you (or, as you mentioned, your friend) broke into your husband's computer, then be careful how you use that info. You may want to present a scenario to your lawyer and see what he/she says. I'm thinking that your husband's computer may have work-related and confidential police info. Could you and your friend be charged for hacking?


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## Acabado

You sound now way more grounded and calm. Glad to hear you. Keep us updated.


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