# 25y relationship ending in substance abuse/affair



## CurlsAtx

New here… 45yo WF married 20y and met husband at 18. In hindsight there were problems we agreed to bury (including a brief attempt at an open relationship that I feel I was manipulated into and we agreed to stop.) A decade after that, he lost his job at the start of the pandemic and spiraled into a substance abuse problem. He denied/hid it under the guise of a medical issue for over a year and finally confessed after being drunk on vacation in front of his parents. A month later he wasn’t able to stop on his own so I sent him to family to get help, he went into rehab, attempted reconciliation, showed up high the day after his program ended, continued to attempt reconciliation and then just after I let him visit for Christmas I learned he had carried on an affair (with someone known to us through kids sports) for several months.

divorce is in process but I don’t want me or my teen children to have to move, am terrified of having to pay spousal support on top of the fact that he hasn’t had a job for nearly two years and I’ve paid everything; I am so angry I have had two instances of rage posting on social and/or sending him emails that I am now terrified will hurt my case

i have failed to cultivate friends outside of work (and I have few peers at work) while I advanced in my career and focused spare time on my kids, so I don’t feel like I have a place for anyone to say “girl, he has taken advantage of you for 25y and things will get better”

plus I live In TX and I do not trust the court system to favor me.

is this too much for an intro? I have no idea. This is my first time dealing with any of this, no one I know has been with their spouse since as young as I was (and is as old as I am now).


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## Tested_by_stress

A breadwinner mother vs a drug addicted ,unemployed father.I don't think you have much to worry about in terms of the divorce outcome being in your favour.


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## CurlsAtx

Tested_by_stress said:


> A breadwinner mother vs a drug addicted ,unemployed father.I don't think you have much to worry about in terms of the divorce outcome being in your favour.


but I see the Canadian flag… Texas in the US is a community property state and also kinda negative on women


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## CurlsAtx

Not to dismiss Canada as a whole; my daughter (HS junior) just got a second prize in an all-America’s french-lang comics contest but only her class gets the $$. If there is an awesome Canadian school a kid interested in social psychology should know about please let me know because Americans do not hype up non-US schools.


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## Diana7

CurlsAtx said:


> New here… 45yo WF married 20y and met husband at 18. In hindsight there were problems we agreed to bury (including a brief attempt at an open relationship that I feel I was manipulated into and we agreed to stop.) A decade after that, he lost his job at the start of the pandemic and spiraled into a substance abuse problem. He denied/hid it under the guise of a medical issue for over a year and finally confessed after being drunk on vacation in front of his parents. A month later he wasn’t able to stop on his own so I sent him to family to get help, he went into rehab, attempted reconciliation, showed up high the day after his program ended, continued to attempt reconciliation and then just after I let him visit for Christmas I learned he had carried on an affair (with someone known to us through kids sports) for several months.
> 
> divorce is in process but I don’t want me or my teen children to have to move, am terrified of having to pay spousal support on top of the fact that he hasn’t had a job for nearly two years and I’ve paid everything; I am so angry I have had two instances of rage posting on social and/or sending him emails that I am now terrified will hurt my case
> 
> i have failed to cultivate friends outside of work (and I have few peers at work) while I advanced in my career and focused spare time on my kids, so I don’t feel like I have a place for anyone to say “girl, he has taken advantage of you for 25y and things will get better”
> 
> plus I live In TX and I do not trust the court system to favor me.
> 
> is this too much for an intro? I have no idea. This is my first time dealing with any of this, no one I know has been with their spouse since as young as I was (and is as old as I am now).


 you say you don't know other couples who met the ages you did. 
I do know several couples who met and married young who are still happy 40-50 years later. However your problems aren't due to that. Yes you overlooked red flags. People do that at any age. His drug taking and being out of work etc have put terrible strains on the marriage. 
Yes things will get better. I hope for the best for you.


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## SunCMars

Sorry you are here.

Your soon to be ex husband (STBXH) is a dud, and a cheat.
The fact that he will ask for child support or alimony is a crime.

I assume a good lawyer has said his chances are good, that he could get some money from you for some specified period?

Once on his own, he will likely hook up with some poor sap and drain her dry. After that, he will OD and find himself in a ditch.

A drug pandemic has killed over 100K people (in the US) in the last year, or so. 

...........................................................................

Since you brought it up...

Talk your daughter out of any Fine Arts Degree that cannot land her a job after she graduates.
Research her choice.

I recommend most anything in Medicine, IT, or Business.



_
Nemesis-_


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## SunCMars

I did my own little bit of web searching.

Make sure if your daughter pursues this _Social Psychology Degree _that she gets a Masters and any sort of needed Certification from her state of residence. 






5 Top Paying Careers in Social Psychology


Advanced studies, the study of how individuals are influenced by each other, in social psychology can open the door to many high-paying careers.




www.bestcollegesonline.org







_N-_


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## manwithnoname

SunCMars said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> 
> Since you brought it up...
> 
> *Talk your daughter out of any Fine Arts Degree that cannot land her a job after she graduates.*
> Research her choice.
> 
> I recommend most anything in Medicine, IT, or Business.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _Nemesis-_


OP, this is extremely important. When someone can't get a job in their field of study, people often try to twist this into a positive like "Any education is good" which is true, until you think about the fact that you traded years of your life for something that is for the most part, useless.


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## SunCMars

manwithnoname said:


> OP, this is extremely important. When someone can't get a job in their field of study, people often try to twist this into a positive like "Any education is good" which is true, until you think about the fact that you traded years of your life for something that is for the most part, useless.


Yes.

Unfortunately, college recruiters often lie!

So _might_ military recruiters!

Study first and discern, or live and learn the hard way.


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## ccpowerslave

The open marriage part made me cringe.

A guy who does nothing for two years when jobs are everywhere.

Sounds like even if you have to pay a bit to get rid of him it’s well worth it.


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## MJJEAN

CurlsAtx said:


> divorce is in process but I don’t want me or my teen children to have to move, am terrified of having to pay spousal support on top of the fact that he hasn’t had a job for nearly two years and I’ve paid everything;


Talk to your lawyer. Often things like degree, certifications, job history, and more can come into play when setting spousal support. In many states the court will take into account what the unemployed spouse could reasonably be making and calculate based on that. Some will also factor how long he's been unemployed into how long you have to pay him if alimony is set, at all.



CurlsAtx said:


> i have failed to cultivate friends outside of work (and I have few peers at work) while I advanced in my career and focused spare time on my kids


Well, the kids are teens so now it's time to focus on getting this divorce done, getting your life set up the way you like it, and making time for social connections, hobbies, and other fun stuff!



CurlsAtx said:


> plus I live In TX and I do not trust the court system to favor me.


Again, talk with your lawyer. S/he should be able to tell you what to realistically expect.


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## OnTheRocks

CurlsAtx said:


> Texas in the US is a community property state and also kinda negative on women


You obviously haven't spoken to a lawyer yet. Texas is not a good place to get divorced if you have a penis. Ask me how I know.


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## meme4321

Sorry to hear all of this. I'm with you. I ignored every red flag all along the way to keep my family together, only to have it end anyways.

Besides the substance abuse, I dealt with all of the joblessness, affairs, and open marriage stuff. Thank god I didn't agree to an open marriage when it was being pushed on me or I think I'd have regrets now. However, my husband really wanted to try it for quite a while and was very angry with me for not being interested in it. He also had affairs here and there with single mom types from my kids circles (school, sports teams, etc.). He tried with a few, succeeded with at least 1 that I know of, and has now admitted that there are many EAs that I do not know about specifically with people that "I wouldn't really know that well".

I also worked for a small company and built my career rather than spent a bunch of time with friends. I do have friends, but I get how that can happen! You had to do what you had to do to take care of your family. You still need to. Maybe try to stay in the house you are in until they are grown, if you can. It doesn't sound like you have that long to hang on. 

I think you will have an excellent time in court. Another poster said - he has no job, affairs, and substance abuse issues. You will be fine. Good luck to you!


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## CurlsAtx

Thanks for the info/encouragement. I have indeed talked to a lawyer and filed… they recommended a no-fault to start with assuming we could agree on distribution of property. I just don’t know if I trust my STBX to not surprise me with demands. And I am angry as hell at him and so part of me wants his misdeeds exposed to the world (at the same time rational me knows that my kids would eventually be able to find all that online and they don’t need to see details.)

I do regret posting anything about one of my kids. I am not looking for advice there. My oldest is fully aware of potential job avenues and costs, and is legit willing to live on less to try to improve the world. She is stressed AF about whether she would have to move before she graduates, but I have some professional expertise in her general area of study, and also she’s just starting out. She’s lucky enough to have a college fund when so many people dont, I want to give her that freedom to explore her future. I am taking my therapist’s recommendation to heart and top of the list is: in 20 years my kids will still talk to me.

also next week I have a boxing class scheduled because I gained during pandemic and also I really need to hit something.


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## CurlsAtx

SunCMars said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> Your soon to be ex husband (STBXH) is a dud, and a cheat.
> The fact that he will ask for child support or alimony is a crime.
> 
> I assume a good lawyer has said his chances are good, that he could get some money from you for some specified period?
> 
> Once on his own, he will likely hook up with some poor sap and drain her dry. After that, he will OD and find himself in a ditch.
> 
> A drug pandemic has killed over 100K people (in the US) in the last year, or so.
> 
> ...........................................................................
> 
> Since you brought it up...
> 
> Talk your daughter out of any Fine Arts Degree that cannot land her a job after she graduates.
> Research her choice.
> 
> I recommend most anything in Medicine, IT, or Business.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> _Nemesis-_


Yeah I regret posting anything about her that suggested I wanted advice. I have a dual-major arts degree with no masters and I’ve been able to support my household just fine for two years alone. You don’t have to go into a career just to make bank; I actually really admire my kid for understanding reasonable salary ranges and career options for the types of jobs she’s considering (and she still has years to refine that choice) and being consciously willing to sacrifice her own wealth potential to better the world.


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## ccpowerslave

CurlsAtx said:


> also next week I have a boxing class scheduled because I gained during pandemic and also I really need to hit something.


Good for you! It’s great exercise and in my opinion very fun learning a skill.


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## Talker67

SunCMars said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> Your soon to be ex husband (STBXH) is a dud, and a cheat.
> The fact that he will ask for child support or alimony is a crime.
> 
> I assume a good lawyer has said his chances are good, that he could get some money from you for some specified period?
> 
> Once on his own, he will likely hook up with some poor sap and drain her dry. After that, he will OD and find himself in a ditch.
> 
> A drug pandemic has killed over 100K people (in the US) in the last year, or so.
> 
> ...........................................................................
> 
> Since you brought it up...
> 
> Talk your daughter out of any Fine Arts Degree that cannot land her a job after she graduates.
> Research her choice.
> 
> I recommend most anything in Medicine, IT, or Business.
> _Nemesis-_


hmmmmmm.
The most you can actually do is to open her eyes to the income level she will probably have later in life with a fine arts degree.
the sad truth here in the USA is that artists become artists for love of art, and somehow carve out a way to exist while doing their art. People here in the USA just do not pay for art....they would just as likely have some "art" produced by slave labor in China instead of buying something from the local artist living down the street in your home town.

but it has been that way in the world for millenia.

You MIGHT suggest she take a degree in something that will use her crativity, but not necessarily be in a pure art career. Like marketing, design, advertising, and so on.

You can also help her to find out what she is best suited for as a career by having her take a Strong Interest test. She might not actually realilze what career she would like the best, and this test might spark some interesting discussions....and help her figure out at least what colleges to go look at.






Strong Interest Inventory® | Career test


Career assessments that deliver insight and direction for students




www.themyersbriggs.com





we did this test for both of our kids, and it was very insightful


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## Talker67

Some other things....
it is very hard to be in management, raise kids, but have a missing husband! You can pull it off most of the time, but every once in a while you just need somone else to "pick up the kids", or "make supper", or whatever to spell you.

So yes, your husband being unreliable is going to be very hard for you to take.

Also, his very bad behavior now is poisoning your memory of him. so even if he DOES clean up his act, and stops taking drugs/alcohol/cheating....it is going to be very hard for you to ever take him back and trust him again. He would be one drink away from reverting for the rest of his life. So, as difficult as it is, getting him permanently out of your life might be the best thing.

I am wondering about the company you work for....bigger corporations really do value their top managers. Many have resources available to help if one of their employees is having issues like you are. Maybe there is free counselling. Maybe some other resources? It might be worth investigating. Yes the peer level employees might not be "your friends", or someone you want to confide in. but there might be peer level managers in your community you can bond with? Maybe some local organizaitons you can join, so you can at least meet people you can discuss things with--people who will understand what you are going thru


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