# Need help and not getting it



## Leolion (Oct 20, 2012)

I have been married to my wife for 17 years and we have 3 amazing children. Our relationship is far from perfect but we have lots of good times and a great family that we've built and have a house, car, and timeshare together. since the very day our first child was born my wife has been a stay at home mom. we made that decision as it would be better for our kid(s) to have her home. of course that meant some sacrifices but it seemed worth it. now that was far from easy as I had been living on my own since 18, put myself through college, paid for our own wedding, and then saved up for a house. now here iin the present I am working a job at salary-so no opportunity of overtime, and also I run a side business for extra money. we barely get by and I dont know what else to do....I get regular modest bonuses and mediocre raises over time....but we are still falling behind. it seems that every side job I do is a life preserver thrown in to help us keep from losing our car or house or whatever. I truly hat the idea of my wife having to work but dont know what else to do. I've hinted at it for some time and recently asked he to help out financlially...just for a short time until we get back on our feet. she has done nothing. just the other day, she made the mistake of leaving her facebook messages opn and I saw one to her sister where she said she "hates her life" and "wishes she had married for money" that she "always envisioned marrying for money and if she didnt like the guy she'd just cheat". I wish I never read the screen. I am so sick thinking about how shallow this person is that I thought I knew. All I want is to provide for her and my kids and I need some help and what I get is fear that she see's me as a disappointment and further resents me? no wonder our relationship has not been that great. please help..advice.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Time to start simplifying your life. Financially, physically, and emotionally. 

-Figure out ways to save money by getting rid of, or stop paying for non-necessary items. 

-Talk to wife, just tell her that times are hard and you are concerned and that you need her to pitch in, as a partner. Ask her point blank if she is prepared to do that.


----------



## Leolion (Oct 20, 2012)

I have cut back; my company covers my cell phone; got rid of kids cell phones(against better judgement);etc. down to just the basics to help get through, but there comes a time when kids need braces, etc....and it hurts so bad that I cant pay for that. I have told her many times that we need extra and I'm doing all I can to scrounge. to make matters worse, my wife doesnt drive-not that she cant....she wont. she has a license and just claims she is "scared". So, I do all the driving for all three kids, have to take vacation days for doctor appointments, do the grocery shopping, all errands basically. she does a great job with the kids and the house, but on days when I've worked from home I can see what a typical day looks like for her and it is no comparison to what I go through. am I a bad person for asking for help? why isnt she doing anything? what the heck am I to do?


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Stop paying for things important to her. My nephew had to go that route recently. Once the cable television and internet were gone, his wife promptly got a job.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

When a person's words don't match their actions, believe their actions. While frustrated, she "said" she wished she had married money. Her actions of the past 17 years say she prefers you. People talk smack, especially siblings who believe they are communicating in private.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Leolion said:


> I have cut back; my company covers my cell phone; got rid of kids cell phones(against better judgement);etc. down to just the basics to help get through, but there comes a time when kids need braces, etc....and it hurts so bad that I cant pay for that. I have told her many times that we need extra and I'm doing all I can to scrounge. to make matters worse, my wife doesnt drive-not that she cant....she wont. she has a license and just claims she is "scared". So, I do all the driving for all three kids, have to take vacation days for doctor appointments, do the grocery shopping, all errands basically. she does a great job with the kids and the house, but on days when I've worked from home I can see what a typical day looks like for her and it is no comparison to what I go through. am I a bad person for asking for help? why isnt she doing anything? what the heck am I to do?


No, you aren't a bad person. I don't think that highly of your wife though. She is not even fulfilling her duties as a SAHM!


----------



## Leolion (Oct 20, 2012)

I guess it is true they say "love is blind". amazing how I see her differently now. I spent the day coaching soccer, taking my daughter to a camp, and visiting a friend in the hospital. she did nothing. I heard her talking to my son earlier and something about a wake for someone and she said "I avoid going to wakes". what? you may not like it, but isnt that the right thing to do? god, who the hell did I marry? she doesnt volunteer for anything at kids schools, wont host other kids, etc. seriously, what the hell is so bad about her life? Do I avoid her? you bet, becasue I am busy doing the bread-winning and dad things. god this sucks.


----------



## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree with Aug. You're not a bad person. And you are not a disappointment either. You said you both made the decision for her to be SAHM because it would be better for the kids. That decision wasn't wrong, but now the best thing for the WHOLE family, kids included, is for her to contribute financially. You shouldn't be taking off work to handle traditional SAHM responsibilities just cause she's afraid to drive.

A) Send her to driving school. Yes it costs money, but she needs to toe the line on this one.

B) Can you sell the timeshare?

C) Like Aug said, cut back on some things you think are essentials, but really aren't.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Read this book. It will change everything: Married Man Sex Life Primer. (no, it's not about getting sex)


----------

