# Loss of libido after EA



## fidgeter (Dec 6, 2014)

My wife went through a serious case of postpartum 4 years ago and her actions during that time caused a rift in our marriage. She had online relationships both emotional and sexual for over a year. We split up for 6 months alternating who stayed with our kids(2 and 4yo) at the house. Eventually she woke up, realized what she did was messed up and begged me to give us one more chance. I went back to her hesitantly because I had pleaded with her for a while, knowing she was not okay mentally, to stop the ****. 

I went back with cautious optimism. Things were rocky. She still wasn’t 100%. Caught her talking to one of the guys who was her “boyfriend” during that time. She thought it was okay as long as it wasn’t sexual, because I had dated a girl while we were separated and she assumed I still talked to her. I told her I didn’t give a **** about the other girl, immediately unfriended her on Facebook. She did the same with the dude and that was that. That was a year ago.

Sex had been less and less frequent since we got back together. At first I thought it was because her health or something but I just had a heart to heart with her that I’m being starved for affection. Not just sex but all the little things too. She said it was mostly because of her health(Sjogrens & fibromyalgia), abnormal menstruation lasting a long time, and she’s just been busy with the kids and school. She promised she would make more of an effort to be affectionate. I also asked why she suddenly had a distaste for oral sex. She hesitantly told me that during her infidelity that’s all guys she chatted with ever wanted and it made her feel like a ****, cheap *****, etc. because of the things she did/said during that time it left a “bad taste in her mouth” (her words not mine). And that basically made her not want to give blowjobs.

I’m not sure what to do at this point. I’m happy with everything but my sex life. She’s a wonderful mother and does a great job with our kids but the lack of physical intimacy is unbearable at times. I feel like I’m just starving. Will she ever get over it? What can I do to help?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

fidgeter said:


> My wife went through a serious case of postpartum 4 years ago and her actions during that time caused a rift in our marriage. She had online relationships both emotional and sexual for over a year. We split up for 6 months alternating who stayed with our kids(2 and 4yo) at the house. Eventually she woke up, realized what she did was messed up and begged me to give us one more chance. I went back to her hesitantly because I had pleaded with her for a while, knowing she was not okay mentally, to stop the ****.
> 
> I went back with cautious optimism. Things were rocky. She still wasn’t 100%. Caught her talking to one of the guys who was her “boyfriend” during that time. She thought it was okay as long as it wasn’t sexual, because I had dated a girl while we were separated and she assumed I still talked to her. I told her I didn’t give a **** about the other girl, immediately unfriended her on Facebook. She did the same with the dude and that was that. That was a year ago.
> 
> ...


She feels like she is cheating on her other men if she has sex with you.
It’s that simple.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

fidgeter said:


> I feel like I’m just starving. Will she ever get over it? What can I do to help?


You're asking the wrong question.

The question should be; Why should I continue to accept her unwillingness to have sex when she should be going out of her way to demonstrate remorse? The answer - you shouldn't. How can you have any empathy for her when she actually blames her own A for making her this way? That's probably the worst, most trigger inducing, emasculating excuse from a wife I've ever heard. It's almost comical.

I'll tell you how you can help her. Implement the 180, start the divorce process and see if that creates an attitude adjustment. If it doesn't, then you'll be well on your way to finalizing the D, and moving on to a better life without her.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You are plan B dude.

B for beta, b for back up plan , b for babysitter, etc etc etc. 

Wake up!!!

Sorry you are here. 

Again, wake up!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This mess is far from over with. I would cut my losses and just work out a great co parent arrangement. If you stay good luck.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

She doesn't want to give blow jobs to her husband any more, because of how she cheapened herself cheating?

Ahhh, time to suck it up buttercup. 

That so wrong....if she ruined herself for marriage, well then I think her choices would be to get over it, or accept the fact she can't be a wife any more.

Because this is all in her head, and she can chose to over come it so that she can show her love and respect for you, or she can coddle herself and not be a wife.

I say this as a former WS myself. Reconciliation? Heck, even today, years later? Except for a very small list of things I won't do for anyone (not anything an AP ever got) - I am his. He wants sex? He gets it. Wants me to indicate, yes sir. Wants a BJ? All he has to do is whip it out. Sex is on tap. 

Expecting a spouse to take you back, then refusing him sex because of the stupid things she did.... That rich.

Honestly she needs to get over it. Maybe she needs therapy?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> I say this as a former WS myself. Reconciliation? Heck, even today, years later? Except for a very small list of things I won't do for anyone (not anything an AP ever got) - I am his. He wants sex? He gets it. Wants me to indicate, yes sir. Wants a BJ? All he has to do is whip it out. Sex is on tap.
> 
> Expecting a spouse to take you back, then refusing him sex because of the stupid things she did.... That rich.


Amen sister. 

OP, this is an example of a former WW in R, who *gets it*.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know she sent in an affair right now? Does she work?

Could she have been abused in her younger years? She sounds like she s either in an affair or some kind of childhood abuse took place.

Have you made a list of her excuses not to have sex with you?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I'm sorry, but her excuses do not wash. She cheated on you and betrayed her veils. She should be doing whatever it takes to make you feel safe again and repair the marriage, not coming up with a list of half baked excuses.


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> She doesn't want to give blow jobs to her husband any more, because of how she cheapened herself cheating?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Kinda new to site. What’s WS and AP


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

jferg0212 said:


> Kinda new to site. What’s WS and AP
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Wayward Spouse - Affair Partner


This stuff does damage - sometimes its too much to repair.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is residual.
This is carry over.
This is lingering, remaining contempt.

Contempt for herself, for you.

She has a death, a dying complex. Her health is failing...or will fail, 
Sooner than later.
Sooner than normal.

She jumped off a cliff, to rebel against life.
She lived, she did not die.

Nothing has changed, except four years lost, more to follow.
More to follow if you do not exit, stage right.....right for you.
Her, left out.

It is bad enough that you have to look at your own scars.
Now, you have doubled down, bent down and met hers.
Face to ass.

The only reason she wants you back is depression.

She fell into a slumpy dump.
All the other suitors wanted none of her.
She was to them, a quick pump and rump.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

fidgeter said:


> My wife went through a serious case of postpartum 4 years ago and her actions during that time caused a rift in our marriage. She had online relationships both emotional and sexual for over a year. We split up for 6 months alternating who stayed with our kids(2 and 4yo) at the house. Eventually she woke up, realized what she did was messed up and begged me to give us one more chance. I went back to her hesitantly because I had pleaded with her for a while, knowing she was not okay mentally, to stop the ****.
> 
> I went back with cautious optimism. Things were rocky. She still wasn’t 100%. Caught her talking to one of the guys who was her “boyfriend” during that time. She thought it was okay as long as it wasn’t sexual, because I had dated a girl while we were separated and she assumed I still talked to her. I told her I didn’t give a **** about the other girl, immediately unfriended her on Facebook. She did the same with the dude and that was that. That was a year ago.
> 
> ...


I have no idea why you would think you would be happy with that. If you are staying for the kids stay for the kids. If not, doesn't seem like you have much of a wife. An disloyal wife who isn't affectionate and doesn't want to have sex with you because of her affairs doesn't seem very hard to find my friend. Not sure what the value is, she watches TV with you or something? History is history, it's over you can't relive it. Not a reason to spend the rest of your life with someone.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

(1) You say you took her back because she was not okay mentally during her (2 years??) affair period. But you also say she lived by herself and had kids half the time. So, was she only "not okay mentally" for having sex/romance with you? She was able to do everything else OK in her life, have a boyfriend, a separated husband, two kids, and a job, but somehow you took her back because she wasn't okay mentally? Can you explain?

(2) You say, "She woke up, realized what she did was messed up and begged" you for one more chance. But then when she came back, "She still wasn't 100%." Then, you "caught her" "talking" with her "boyfriend." None of that makes sense, does it?

(3) Now she is not affectionate and does not want sex? They got blowjobs and made her feel like dirt, but they got the blowjobs, but you don't make her feel like dirt, but she doesn't give you any?

(4) Let me guess - those guys either one or more:
(a) didn't want her full time, and/or
(b) they don't have enough money for her, and/or
(c) she got her fill of sex with new guys and she's all sexed out
(d) her illnesses got worse, sex became tough, and she figured you'd be more understanding.

I guess she made a little more effort when she first came back, then when you let her slide, she figured she didn't need to do it for you. DEFINITELY, 100%, she HAD to do it for the other guys, or else they would have dropped her immediately. You will put up with it, they would not.

My advice. Break up with her, let her be with her boyfriend, and you just cheat with her behind his back. Let him deal with all her baggage, her and you just get the sex and blowjobs. 

I'm only half-way serious. Don't you feel you deserve better than what she's done, and is still doing, to you?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

OutofRetirement said:


> (3) Now she is not affectionate and does not want sex? They got blowjobs and made her feel like dirt, but they got the blowjobs, but you don't make her feel like dirt, but she doesn't give you any?
> 
> (4) Let me guess - those guys either one or more:
> (a) didn't want her full time, and/or
> ...


This ^^^^^^^

I also encourage you to look up the term "alpha widow."


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

fidgeter said:


> My wife went through a serious case of postpartum 4 years ago and her actions during that time caused a rift in our marriage. She had online relationships both emotional and sexual for over a year. We split up for 6 months alternating who stayed with our kids(2 and 4yo) at the house. Eventually she woke up, realized what she did was messed up and begged me to give us one more chance. I went back to her hesitantly because I had pleaded with her for a while, knowing she was not okay mentally, to stop the ****.
> 
> It really wasn't her. She was mentally ill. It was her bud. Quit making excuses.
> 
> ...


You've accepted her and her behavior. Now you get to live with your decision by making excuses. Nice if you want to be a martyr I guess.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I can sort of understand taking a cheating partner back if the relationship is extraordinary in every other way? But taking a cheater back when it's a below average relationship? Baffling. I can only guess you think pretty lowly of yourself and your ability to have a happy life. Sad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This ^^^^^^^
> 
> I also encourage you to look up the term "alpha widow."


And after you do remember she is not the only women out there. It's not like they all are like that. This women is not your only chance at happiness with a the opposite sex, don't treat her as such.

Maybe you just don't work as spouses.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I agree with the people above. The other men were worth submitting to. You, apparently, are not. Show her your worth by serving her with divorce papers.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

She's still cheating. Bet on it!


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

That’s exactly what I was saying buddy she still cheating you better act quick get this nightmare out of your life she’s no good dude she’s proven over and over you deserve better.! I’m sure you’re good guy. You’ll find a nice girl out there that doesn’t cheat and that you can trust her. Your wife probably has one of the mental disorders that enable her her not to be safe partner. she’s just A selfish b!tch. You need to get out of this marriage for your children sake they’re going to need one stable parent.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

It appears that with her cheating and you taking her back, and now you are miserable, you stepped out of the frying pan right into the fire. I can think of only one reason that a married couple, who loves each other, abstains from a healthy sex life. That reason is one of the partners has a health or physical reason that prevents sex. During my military career I broke two bones in my left leg. I was in a bent leg cast and on crutches for eight weeks. At the end of the eight weeks, my wife and I could have written a book on 101 ways to have sex with a bent leg cast. You and your wife need to have a very serious talk. I do wish you well.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up hysterical bonding. That’s what couples do that decide to reconcile when one gets caught cheating, regrets it as a huge error and they constantly go at each other like rabbits in heat. When the couple reconcile and sex is absent, it’s called false reconcilliation. Either she is still cheating and being faithful to him or you turn her off, probably because she sees you as weak. It may be twisted logic but many women that cheat and their husband takes them back, are actually revolted be him for not being man enough to throw her out.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

I would say you're now plan B... but ...

Sjogrens & fibromyalgia ... those are some seriously painful conditions too and both are known to destroy a persons libido. I think her physical lust is dying and ... now her erotic play is all in her head.


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