# Dont know what to do...



## JohnMcCloud (Aug 15, 2011)

..


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Presently you are not in a husband/wife relationship...you are in a father/daughter relationship, where you fret and worry about her behavior...and that is _no bueno_.

The only thing that will change her behavior is to quit parenting her, hovering over her, or coming off weak when you confront her. Why? Because she is responding like an irresponsible teenager without a care in the world..."Daddy yells at me, sure, but he ALWAYS cleans my messes!"

Don't clean her messes. Don't allow this in YOUR marriage. She thinks she doesn't have to really change because she knows you will always smooth it over. Her acting out MUST have consequences. She MUST experience pain from her behavior. I highly suggest you establish boundaries where if she crosses the line again (spending money without you both being in agreement or going on a gambling or spending binge and hiding evidence)...then you have an ADULT TO ADULT plan where she feels real-world consequences, like you kicking her out until she agrees to counseling, 12-step, and whatnot...and SHE MUST follow through. 

But it's not a punishment...no, cos like I said YOU ARE NOT HER PARENT. This is about giving her the freedom of choice. Let her know that you want to work this out, but you are prepared to release her to her choice...and if she chooses to act out and not get help, then she had made her choice...a choice that she must not want to be your wife. 

This will be the hardest thing you ever did...because you will feel guilty for setting boundaries and making the tough calls. BUT IF YOU DON'T, she will surely repeat it...and you will both suffer. You are not helping her by cleaning up after her...be bold, be brave, and set clear boundaries and real-world consequences. Blowing up, being pissy, complaining, and whining will not affect her, except make her lose more respect for you and act like a sneaky teenager.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Need more detail.

What did she hide about her past and why should it matter to you?

Why did she go to the casino and blow the money and not tell you? Is it a big deal? Some marriages $300 is nothing, some it's groceries for the kids. Do you have an agreement with her about how much is appropriate before each of you involve the other in the decision to spend the money?


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

The meta-response of the forum will be something to the effect of 'she doesn't feel safe telling you things'. Does that provoke any reflection?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Thread closed. OP deleted his initial post.


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