# Daughter going to Uni in a weeks time



## peacem

:crying::crying::crying:

Though I am very proud and happy for her I just can't stop tearing up. I am having bad dreams and anxiety thinking about not being there for her.

She has been so confident about starting, packing and getting all her finances in order...but today she said the nerves have finally kicked in and she is worried that she won't make any friends :frown2:. I told her of course she will make friends because she is a kind, thoughtful person.

I keep thinking about 'what if....?' then imaging the worst. I keep thinking I will get a phone call from her when she is homesick and not be able to hug her (I know this sounds irrational but its how I feel). 

Anyone else preparing for Uni start? Or been through it already?


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti

peacem,
I just sent my third of three off a couple weeks ago (girl/girl/boy)

It's tough, no way around it.

But, you've raise her well and she's got a good head on her shoulders and her feet on the ground, so you should be pleased with your parenting and her progress. The thing is you can never eliminate all risk form their lives..but you really don't want to. At some point they have to make their own way. 

It's amazing how quickly they make friends. Leaving familiarity and longstanding relationships is always difficult, but the opportunities and associated rewards always manifest. The discomfort is temporary, and a part of growing up.

And yes, at some point you will get a call from a homesick, maybe even depressed daughter and you won't be able to hug her. Ours (from a daughter who couldn't wait to move out and start her new life) came in November (school started in late August). It also came with a "Mom, you were right about so many things!" which helped take some of the sting out of things for my wife. But again, know this is a necessary step into adulthood. Were you able to shield her from all forms of pain or discomfort, and you actually did so, you would actually be stunting her growth. 

It often feels bad, but truly this is a time of great rejoicing, just like watching her first steps, hearing her first word, etc.


----------



## john117

I've done it four times, two each for each daughter. It never gets old. Both girls have a substantial "dowry" accumulated and their own apartments thanks to Wayfair and Amazon so we're prepared for them fleeing the nest but still...The drive back is sometimes tough. 

They are pragmatic kids so not a whole lot of drama.


----------



## cc48kel

I remember calling my parents often.. It does get lonely but I managed!! I kept busy, found a part-time job and would come home when I could for a long weekend..


----------



## brooklynAnn

@peacem, she is going to be fine and so are you. When my d20 was off to college the first year, just like you I had serious anxiety and crazy dreams/ nightmares. We are very close and do everything together. My H says we are so alike that's why we drive each other nuts. I remember crying for 1/2 the drive home, after we dropped her off and lingered as long as we could. My H just patted my hand. I knew he was hurting too.

The child was fine. Made one friend and from there, she has a flock now. She is such a confident young lady now. I can't believe I made that person 20 years ago.

So, mommy you are going to be fine. The two of you will probably talk more now and share alot more when she learn new things. You would be the first person she will call.

My daughter was dropped off this morning for her 3rd year in college. Time flies...I was too tired walking up those 3 flights of stairs with her numerous bags of stuff to worry or cry. I got a bit teary eyed when she accused
me of leaving her bag with all the wires for various electronic things....so another trip on Saturday to take the other things....we are only 2.5 hours away.

Oh but she left me a gift...her betta fish by the name of Hugo to look after for her. Oh the joy of these kids.

Girlfriend get ready for all the calls when she is bored or hungry or just want to talk about everything. Hope you have a good cell plan. 

You baby is going to be good. From what you said of her, she seems like a very nice young lady, who will find her place. Give her time and support her. Spend the next week loving each other and share many hugs and kisses. You will both be good. And she will be amazing.

And find some time to take care of you while she is away.


----------



## peacem

john117 said:


> I've done it four times, two each for each daughter. It never gets old. Both girls have a substantial "dowry" accumulated and their own apartments thanks to Wayfair and Amazon so we're prepared for them fleeing the nest but still...The drive back is sometimes tough.
> 
> They are pragmatic kids so not a whole lot of drama.


My daughter is not particularly pragmatic and is still prone to a bit of drama over small things. For instance she got her new bank account (which she had done all by herself) but then began punching in the wrong password lots of times until it blocked her out. Rather than just following the instructions - she had a dramatic meltdown and refused to call the bank because she thought they would tell her off (like High school). But eventually she sorted it out - on her own - and felt a bit silly for the unnecessary drama. Sometimes she seems so grown up and other times regresses. 

But she can cook well, is very good with money and budgeting and likes a tidy environment...I don't see her living in squalor. :smile2:


----------



## peacem

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> peacem,
> I just sent my third of three off a couple weeks ago (girl/girl/boy)
> 
> It's tough, no way around it.
> 
> But, you've raise her well and she's got a good head on her shoulders and her feet on the ground, so you should be pleased with your parenting and her progress. The thing is you can never eliminate all risk form their lives..but you really don't want to. At some point they have to make their own way.
> 
> It's amazing how quickly they make friends. Leaving familiarity and longstanding relationships is always difficult, but the opportunities and associated rewards always manifest. The discomfort is temporary, and a part of growing up.
> 
> And yes, at some point you will get a call from a homesick, maybe even depressed daughter and you won't be able to hug her. Ours (from a daughter who couldn't wait to move out and start her new life) came in November (school started in late August). It also came with a "Mom, you were right about so many things!" which helped take some of the sting out of things for my wife. But again, know this is a necessary step into adulthood. Were you able to shield her from all forms of pain or discomfort, and you actually did so, you would actually be stunting her growth.
> 
> *It often feels bad, but truly this is a time of great rejoicing, just like watching her first steps, hearing her first word, etc*.


It does feel just like that. I'm very excited for her because her friendships over the past 2 years have not been that great so she needs to move away and have a fresh start. We are very close and sometimes I think too close - she needs to do things without me. I think it will be the making of her tbh.


----------



## peacem

cc48kel said:


> I remember calling my parents often.. It does get lonely but I managed!! I kept busy, found a part-time job and would come home when I could for a long weekend..


We've been practicing Skyping :smile2: and she is only an hour and half away on the train. Her auntie also lives in the University city (in fact she works on campus) so I guess she could get a surrogate hug if needed. :smile2:


----------



## peacem

brooklynAnn said:


> @peacem, she is going to be fine and so are you. When my d20 was off to college the first year, just like you I had serious anxiety and crazy dreams/ nightmares. We are very close and do everything together. My H says we are so alike that's why we drive each other nuts. I remember crying for 1/2 the drive home, after we dropped her off and lingered as long as we could. My H just patted my hand. I knew he was hurting too.
> 
> The child was fine. Made one friend and from there, she has a flock now. She is such a confident young lady now. I can't believe I made that person 20 years ago.
> 
> So, mommy you are going to be fine. The two of you will probably talk more now and share alot more when she learn new things. You would be the first person she will call.
> 
> My daughter was dropped off this morning for her 3rd year in college. Time flies...I was too tired walking up those 3 flights of stairs with her numerous bags of stuff to worry or cry. I got a bit teary eyed when she accused
> me of leaving her bag with all the wires for various electronic things....so another trip on Saturday to take the other things....we are only 2.5 hours away.
> 
> Oh but she left me a gift...her betta fish by the name of Hugo to look after for her. Oh the joy of these kids.
> 
> Girlfriend get ready for all the calls when she is bored or hungry or just want to talk about everything. Hope you have a good cell plan.
> 
> You baby is going to be good. From what you said of her, she seems like a very nice young lady, who will find her place. Give her time and support her. Spend the next week loving each other and share many hugs and kisses. You will both be good. And she will be amazing.
> 
> And find some time to take care of you while she is away.


Thanks for this. It made me feel much better. We are also very close and do everything together which I think makes the separation a little harder - but probably necessary. 

She's not really a partying person and had been preoccupied by the idea that no-one will like her because she doesn't drink and hates clubs. We managed to get her into *quiet* halls where they play board games and go bowling. So I am guessing she is not alone with her sobriety. :grin2:


----------



## Diana7

I know that a lot of parents struggle when their children leave home/go to uni. I have a friend who cried for weeks when her twin sons went. She missed them and worried about them. I never struggled with this for whatever reason. I was happy they were being independent and doing what I had bought them up to do, going their own way in the world. 
We are all different aren't we.
Try not to worry, she will survive and it will make her grow up and mature.


----------



## Diana7

peacem said:


> Thanks for this. It made me feel much better. We are also very close and do everything together which I think makes the separation a little harder - but probably necessary.
> 
> She's not really a partying person and had been preoccupied by the idea that no-one will like her because she doesn't drink and hates clubs. We managed to get her into *quiet* halls where they play board games and go bowling. So I am guessing she is not alone with her sobriety. :grin2:


Not all students get drunk, party or go to clubs!


----------



## Diana7

peacem said:


> It does feel just like that. I'm very excited for her because her friendships over the past 2 years have not been that great so she needs to move away and have a fresh start. We are very close and sometimes I think too close - she needs to do things without me. I think it will be the making of her tbh.


Yes it will do her good to be independent and be her own person. Are you a single mum?


----------



## peacem

No not a single mum and my son is still at home so no empty nest syndrome or anything.


----------



## peacem

Diana7 said:


> Not all students get drunk, party or go to clubs!


No they don't. But that is how they, the universities and colleges, market themselves with promotional videos - drink, drink, clubs, drink, hangover breakfasts, pre-drink parties etc. So it gives the impression that Uni is one big drinking session. I had a nosy around the Student Room forums and there were loads of other students worrying about being non-drinkers and becoming alienated. Its a stressful time for them.


----------



## Satya

Good luck to your daughter, @peacem! I'm sure she will do fine.
There's a lot of growing up and learning that goes on during the Uni years. Depending on the kind of person she is, it's important that she get involved with committees and student-run orgs that concern things that matter to her. 

As for her frustration... I used to be like that too. A lot of it mellowed with age and experience. It's when it persists beyond her 30s that you should be a little more concerned.

She will make friends. Everyone can make friends. I was the biggest nerd and I had a circle of 5 very good friends who were also nerdy.

I can only imagine how you feel about her leaving. Among those feelings you should also feel proud of yourself for having raised our future.


----------



## Diana7

peacem said:


> No not a single mum and my son is still at home so no empty nest syndrome or anything.


Oh ok its just that you haven't mentioned a father.


----------



## Diana7

peacem said:


> No they don't. But that is how they, the universities and colleges, market themselves with promotional videos - drink, drink, clubs, drink, hangover breakfasts, pre-drink parties etc. So it gives the impression that Uni is one big drinking session. I had a nosy around the Student Room forums and there were loads of other students worrying about being non-drinkers and becoming alienated. Its a stressful time for them.


Well if there are many of them in that position then that's good for your daughter. My daughter went to uni and never went our getting drunk, didn't sleep around and got her degree.


----------



## peacem

Diana7 said:


> Oh ok its just that you haven't mentioned a father.


He's more like you and thinks she will be fine so why worry. Totes relaxed. :grin2:


----------



## Diana7

peacem said:


> He's more like you and thinks she will be fine so why worry. Totes relaxed. :grin2:


Yes that's what my husband would say as well. :smile2:


----------



## Ynot

OP I went thru similar issues when my daughter left for college. But here is something to comfort you. Now your child is going to get to do exactly what you have (hopefully) been teaching them to do their whole life - namely become independent, self sufficient adults, capable of making their own decisions and doing what is best for them selves. 
This is also the difficult part because, regardless of what you taught them, they will still (and should) test those lessons. They will make mistakes along the way and you may or may not disagree with the decisions they make. So the best you can do is be there for them, letting them know that you love them regardless.
As for drinking, partying, sleeping around? I don't care what anyone says, that is such an overblown, over hyped thing. Millions of kids to go to college every year. Millions drink for the first time, millions party, millions sleep around. It is not the end of the world. It is more like a rite of passage, that many have to go thru in order to discover there is more to life than those things. 99 times out of a 100 they come to the conclusion that those things are a waste of time. But it is something that some kids have to go thru because they have been so sheltered by their parents for so long that when they are finally free of the oppression they are willing to do anything just to see what life is about. 
Hopefully you have done an exceptional job raising your child. If they do make a mistake, they will learn a lesson and become ever more awesome.


----------



## Thor

My youngest just started his final year of college.

Yes it is stressful to send them off to school, especially the first child. All three of mine really matured a lot during the first year. They do step up to the challenges of being out of the house.

Your daughter sounds like a responsible person, so she will be just fine. She already knows she isn't a big drinker or partier, so she will avoid the biggest mistake new students make, which is doing too much partying and not enough studying. She will find many like-minded peers at school, and she will have many friends.

You will see her become a much more competent adult by the end of the first term. I find it very fulfilling to see my kids moving from childhood to real adulthood.


----------



## brooklynAnn

@peacem, there are a lot of kids who don't drink or go to crazy parties. She will find her group. My d does not drink but she eats a lot. So there are lots of trips for food and fun things to do. They also watch a lot of movies and have parties where the "boring" people go to...

Tell her not to worry. Everyone will be just as unsure and shy as her. Put on a smile and say hello. Also, take extra pens you never know when the kid next to you dont have one....you save the day and have a friend. 

Best wishes and I look forward to hearing about all the fun stuff she will do.


----------



## uhtred

I have always been a non-drinker (alcoholism was a big problem in my family). 

In college or any other time, I've very rarely had an issue when I ordered something non-alcoholic, or just said, "I don't drink". Anyone who is going to give me a bad time about that isn't someone I want to be around anyway.

you can keep is light:

"sorry, caffeine is my drug of choice"

"If I drank, I'd say what I really thought and I'm in enough trouble already". 

"I don't drink...wine"

"The servitors or Great Cthulhu do not drink".







peacem said:


> No they don't. But that is how they, the universities and colleges, market themselves with promotional videos - drink, drink, clubs, drink, hangover breakfasts, pre-drink parties etc. So it gives the impression that Uni is one big drinking session. I had a nosy around the Student Room forums and there were loads of other students worrying about being non-drinkers and becoming alienated. Its a stressful time for them.


----------



## peacem

UPDATE: Dropped her off at Uni today. We were both a bit nervous and excited. I didn't hang around too long because I wanted her to start socializing ASAP. There are only 8 in her flat, 2 of which I met were really nice and friendly, though VERY nervous. I made her bed up and left her to unpack - I didn't cry once but kept it very light and fun. Cried a little when I got home and unable to eat anything. I know it will pass.

Got a text message to say she had been chatting with one girl (who was very much like herself) and that they had all arranged to go out in the evening together to an organized freshers party. She sorted out her wifi problems and made her own dinner. She's ignoring my text messages which is a good thing (hopefully too busy having a good time) :smile2: .

So far so good.


----------



## john117

They get good at it pretty fast. Today was our first visit to DD2 in her Trump Towers apartment. Someone had to assemble the Wayfair furniture ( how did you get in medical school without knowing how to assemble furniture?). It so happens it was her birthday today. She has yet to meet anyone - unlike undergraduate school - in her building. She seemed frazzled, undernourished, and with a mountain of stuff to wash and an apartment to clean. Just like we expected. 

They get the hang of it pretty quickly.


----------



## sissyphus

A few weeks ago, dropped my son to college also. even tho he's a young man. there are things that he does that still reminds me of the kid in him. hopefully she'll adjust and mature while she's away. sometimes, I think this is the best way for kids to mature when they're away from home and can't depend on their parents all the time to step in. Be thankful that she isn't serving in the military overseas. think what those parents must have be going through.


----------



## frusdil

Is it common for kids to go away to Uni/College in the US? It'd be a great way to get the kids to leave home, lol.

Over here they generally stay home while they're at Uni, unless they have to move interstate to a Uni that offers their course. They stay home right through Uni and often a few years into their first job. It's not uncommon for adults to still be living home into their mid-late twenties! Most of my generation had moved out by our late teens/early twenties. The Y gen and beyond never seem to leave.


----------



## Thor

In the US, most kids live away from home at college/university.

There is a growing trend of kids doing a community college for 2 years before going to regular college. Typically they live at home, though many live in an apartment rather than at home. Community college is frequently a 2 year program, but the kids can do many of the basic courses such as English, history, basic math, etc for a much much lower cost than regular 4 year college/university. While this is a growing trend, community college still is only a small portion of total college students.

In my generation, maybe half the high school students went to college/university. The other half either did vocational training (shorter term training such as plumbing, auto mechanics, metal working, machine shop, secretarial, hair stylist, etc), or did no additional training. Almost all moved out of the home at age 18. I was typical of college students, where I came home for the holidays and some summer breaks, but I was away at school for most of the year.

Today it is increasingly common for students to return home after completing their 4 year degree. Lack of jobs, high student debt, and students getting useless degrees all contribute to the trend.


----------



## peacem

She only did an hour at the party because it was too noisy and busy. She said they were really friendly - a bit 'too' friendly and it overwhelmed her. She didn't sleep much because of the noise..she has earplugs. But she says a Muslim girl down the corridor hasn't left her room at all...poor kid. So I think she did well for trying to be sociable, I'm sure it will get easier.


----------



## peacem

john117 said:


> They get good at it pretty fast. Today was our first visit to DD2 in her Trump Towers apartment. Someone had to assemble the Wayfair furniture ( how did you get in medical school without knowing how to assemble furniture?). It so happens it was her birthday today. She has yet to meet anyone - unlike undergraduate school - in her building. She seemed frazzled, undernourished, and with a mountain of stuff to wash and an apartment to clean. Just like we expected.
> 
> They get the hang of it pretty quickly.


My BIL's daughter is now in her second year, but the first year was very much like you describe. It was touch and go. She wasn't eating well, didn't make a proper friend until Christmas, and was living a little chaotically. This year she is a totally different person, glad to be out of halls and into a proper house, independent and happy. Fingers crossed.


----------



## aine

Mine are both away on the other side of the world at two different locations. I miss them sure, but am glad that they are independent enough to go it alone.
They have learned how to manage, make friends, etc both at a fairly young age. You have to learn to let go, pampering them will not help them. 

By being anxious you are not helping build her confidence. Happy smiling encouraging parents are much more of a boost for those who are leaving the nest that ones who are fretting and worrying.


----------



## arbitrator

frusdil said:


> Is it common for kids to go away to Uni/College in the US? It'd be a great way to get the kids to leave home, lol.
> 
> Over here they generally stay home while they're at Uni, unless they have to move interstate to a Uni that offers their course. They stay home right through Uni and often a few years into their first job. It's not uncommon for adults to still be living home into their mid-late twenties! Most of my generation had moved out by our late teens/early twenties. The Y gen and beyond never seem to leave.


*Ol' Arb's Old Man was literally fuming eons ago when he had to forfeit over $1,200- in dorm deposit when "his son" came back from working a summer job in the Houston area to bolt from going to LSU to good ol' localized McNeese State, where a lot of his high school buddies had decided to "stay home with Mom and Dad" and go. That and LSU had a notorious reputation as a "party school" and I certainly didn't want to go down there and flunk out and then receive an all-expenses-paid trip to Southeast Asia, courtesy of my local draft board! Secretly, I do think that Dad and Mom were both more than glad to have their "baby boy" stay an additional four years at home with them and make the rather short commute out to college, although Dad continued to hold that $1,200- over my head for many years to come!

"Growing up" largely had to wait some 4 years later when I shoved back off to Houston with bachelor degree in hand to work and to simultaneously attend grad/law school, which I never finished due to various job promotions! The rigors and loneliness of living alone over there was supplanted over the years by driving back home to see Mom and Dad nearly every weekend!

Not very conventional, or certainly not like either of my sons.*


----------



## john117

In the USA education is not free and you get to play the game of admissions, rankings, and funding. So it's not uncommon to see kids go away for college. Also in many states the primary education institutions are in smaller college cities, not larger population centers. So geography plays a big role too.


----------



## peacem

aine said:


> Mine are both away on the other side of the world at two different locations. I miss them sure, but am glad that they are independent enough to go it alone.
> They have learned how to manage, make friends, etc both at a fairly young age. You have to learn to let go, pampering them will not help them.
> 
> By being anxious you are not helping build her confidence. Happy smiling encouraging parents are much more of a boost for those who are leaving the nest that ones who are fretting and worrying.





> I didn't cry once but kept it very light and fun


You're right! Just got a text message saying she won't be able to come to her cousins birthday party on Saturday because she's already arranged something with another girl. 

However, I suffer from anxiety and I have never believed in hiding or pretending because children are really not that simple. I have talked to her about my anxieties about Uni and she has talked to me about hers. Totally normal as long as there is a lot of positives and encouragement. 

She has already shown an interest in going to China in her second year. :surprise:. She is fine, I am a bit wobbly.


----------



## Adelais

Your post got me to thinking about what is happening in my life today. Been crying a lot.

I thought I had started my own thread, but just now saw I had threadjacked yours. Sorry!


----------



## peacem

We have decided to pay £100 a month (which is the equivalent of what it would cost to feed, cloth and keep her warm and clean). Any extras she has to pay for herself. She has been saving for 2 years whilst she did her A levels so had a good start fund. But she has had 2 weeks of fun, and now she says she is going to walk around town tomorrow and hand in her CV in the local shops. The city is a tourist town and the plus side of that is work is plentiful.

I want her to eat well and be comfortable - but I also want to teach her a work ethic. 

As for her going away to uni. Well, she did apply for a local one which is 20 minutes on the train, could easily commute. But I did not want her to stay at home. University is not only an academic education, it is also a great opportunity to develop life skills and well...grow up and be responsible. 

She has told me stories that would make many parent's hair stand on end. But she is learning every day what NOT to do as well as what she wants to do.

I remember Dave Ramsey saying to not send kids away to Uni unless you are millionaires (or words to that effect), but what he doesn't say is they miss valuable opportunities for personal development. Those who still live at home often miss out on the camaraderie and social aspect of living in halls. I also remember him saying to not let your children study History because it's money down the drain. What a load of bollocks. 

There is already a rule on her fridge:

#1 No flatmates are allowed to have sex with each other - it is weird and the equivalent of incest! 

This made me laugh out loud but also appreciated the 'family' sentiment.


----------



## peacem

.. @Araucaria if you are reading her journal, it may be that she has got to the point where she just needs her privacy. No judgement because I know how hard it is, but you sound very full on with your parenting - she needs *breathing* space and to be around her peers.


----------



## Adelais

peacem said:


> .. @Araucaria if you are reading her journal, it may be that she has got to the point where she just needs her privacy. No judgement because I know how hard it is, but you sound very full on with your parenting - she needs *breathing* space and to be around her peers.


She left it wide open one day, after she came home from couch hopping. There have been several suicides in our town, and there had just been another. It looked like she wanted me to read it, the way she left it open on her bed, and I wonder if it was her way of calling for help after I saw how much she had been thinking about suicide. One important thing that I learned from her writing is that many times she didn't do it (suicide) because she didn't want to hurt those who love her!! That included family and friends. I've been more expressive of my love to her, and have encouraged her sisters to do the same.


----------



## turnera

peacem said:


> Thanks for this. It made me feel much better. We are also very close and do everything together which I think makes the separation a little harder - but probably necessary.
> 
> She's not really a partying person and had been preoccupied by the idea that no-one will like her because she doesn't drink and hates clubs. We managed to get her into *quiet* halls where they play board games and go bowling. So I am guessing she is not alone with her sobriety. :grin2:


My DD27 had trouble with friends since she was in 3rd grade (long story). By the time she went to college, it seemed a lost cause. All she knew were users and fake friends. Before her junior year, I gave her this advice: Don't offer to do anything for anyone. Don't give people rides. Don't lend pencils. Just be your nice self. Anyone who stays around really likes you; anyone who 'gives up' on you was a User who realized you weren't going to give them stuff.

She made the best friends that year.


----------



## turnera

Wait, what? Au, your daughter is suicidal? Did you say that in your thread?


----------



## john117

My cat eats over $100 a month by the time you add litter etc... 

Work ethic is overrated . The first paying job DD1 got was as a graduate teaching assistant. She did just fine with some sage guidance from former graduate teaching fellow Dad. DD2 was a research assistant thru undergraduate, nice paying job. No work ethic issues or "growing up" issues.


----------



## peacem

Araucaria said:


> Your post got me to thinking about what is happening in my life today. Been crying a lot.
> 
> I thought I had started my own thread, but just now saw I had threadjacked yours. Sorry!


No problem at all. How you doing? How is your daughter doing?


----------



## peacem

john117 said:


> My cat eats over $100 a month by the time you add litter etc...
> 
> Work ethic is overrated . The first paying job DD1 got was as a graduate teaching assistant. She did just fine with some sage guidance from former graduate teaching fellow Dad. DD2 was a research assistant thru undergraduate, nice paying job. No work ethic issues or "growing up" issues.


I think it depends on the individual. My daughter got a job in the last two years of her further education and it made a huge difference to her maturity. Working in a shop she went from being very shy and awkward to till training new staff and having proficient sales techniques. I went to pick her up and observed her from a distance talking to a customer and was so impressed at her confidence.

I also think with my daughter she tends to think far more carefully about spending her money when she has earned it. Purchases become considered rather than impulsive.

She has also said she is a little bored at the weekends because most people are working or going home and the flat is quiet - so I think it would just give her something to do other than studying.


----------



## peacem

john117 said:


> My cat eats over $100 a month by the time you add litter etc...


:surprise: I've just converted that to £132 - is it a lion?

Sorry...I meant £100 a week.


----------



## john117

The cat eats 1.5 to 2 $2 cans a day plus dry food plus litter. It's a 20+ lb purebred Maine ****. 

DD spends maybe $200/month on food.


----------



## peacem

john117 said:


> DD spends maybe $200/month on food.


That's about £35 a week. My daughter doesn't seem to be spending over £15 but she still has a lot left that we stocked her up with and she's a veggie who loves cooking. I'll keep an eye on that though,...


----------



## NextTimeAround

john117 said:


> I've done it four times, two each for each daughter. It never gets old. Both girls have a *substantial "dowry"* accumulated and their own apartments thanks to Wayfair and Amazon so we're prepared for them fleeing the nest but still...The drive back is sometimes tough.
> 
> They are pragmatic kids so not a whole lot of drama.


My father talked about our university education as if they dowries as well. At least our husbands would not have to pay for it. My sister paid off her first husband's student loan. 10 years later he cheated on her.


----------



## john117

That's part of why we're spending probably $500k to pay for their school (med school is half of that). But not a dime in weddings


----------



## NextTimeAround

john117 said:


> The cat eats 1.5 to 2 $2 cans a day plus dry food plus litter. It's a 20+ lb purebred Maine ****.
> 
> DD spends maybe $200/month on food.


oh, we know you buy that gourmet cat cuisine. :wink2:


----------



## NextTimeAround

john117 said:


> Work ethic is overrated . The first paying job DD1 got was as a graduate teaching assistant. She did just fine with some sage guidance from former graduate teaching fellow Dad. DD2 was a research assistant thru undergraduate, nice paying job. No work ethic issues or "growing up" issues.


You may be on to something. My younger sister has worked for the same company since 1996 doing the same thing. but along the way, my parents have had to help her out.

My father said (before he died) that she had USD30K credit card debt. He had to co-sign a loan for her to get a lower interest rate. Never did that for me.

My sister now in her late 40s, my mother had to get her out of her house. My mother claims she found a way to finance my sister's 1BDR apartment so as to keep the inheritance fair among us. Even when my sister did try living in another city, my parents still had to sign the rental agreement. My mother said that. My father said he was paying her rent when she was in her 30s.

Money management and learning /accepting to live within one's means needs to be up there along with just being able to hold down a job.


----------



## john117

NextTimeAround said:


> oh, we know you buy that gourmet cat cuisine. :wink2:


Not too gourmet . Wellness Core and Select about $2 for a 6 oz can mail order.


----------



## uhtred

Just on this point - I go to China often. Its safe and fairly easy to navigate these days. A fine place to visit. 

There are of course issues with government oppression etc, but those don't affect visitors. I've found both locals and police to be very friendly and helpful to visitors. (this is in many cities all over the country). 

She will be safer there than in many US cities. (the Chinese government is very image conscious - they do not want visitors telling bad stories about them). 



peacem said:


> snip
> 
> She has already shown an interest in going to China in her second year. :surprise:. She is fine, I am a bit wobbly.


----------



## john117

Several of DD2's friends have done China study abroad. Nothing to it if related to her field. Both my kids have done study abroad twice each. Lots of great experience.


----------



## DaveinOC

peacem said:


> :crying::crying::crying:
> 
> Though I am very proud and happy for her I just can't stop tearing up. I am having bad dreams and anxiety thinking about not being there for her.
> 
> She has been so confident about starting, packing and getting all her finances in order...but today she said the nerves have finally kicked in and she is worried that she won't make any friends :frown2:. I told her of course she will make friends because she is a kind, thoughtful person.
> 
> I keep thinking about 'what if....?' then imaging the worst. I keep thinking I will get a phone call from her when she is homesick and not be able to hug her (I know this sounds irrational but its how I feel).
> 
> Anyone else preparing for Uni start? Or been through it already?


This reminds me of when I was moving out of home to go to school. I remember clearly that day my mom pretending like it doesn't bother her, until the moment I loaded the last thing in my car and she started getting teary-eyed. I laughed it off saying she's being dumb cuz I was literally an hour away, but she said its not the distance but that emptiness from me vacating emotionally. I got in my car and drove off like her reaction is dumb. 10 minutes later, I was crying my butt off in the car while driving. 

Now this is one of the most heartwarming college memories and you will laugh about it with your daughter one day. :wink2:


----------



## peacem

UPDATE

So it's been 5 weeks since she went. 

Positives are; she loves her course and is thriving on the work were others are feeling out of their depth. She isn't feeling homesick and is coping with the odd problem without calling home. She has a friend who she meets for lectures and has lunch with. She has another friend who she goes to a society with, watches movies and has been shopping with once.

She generally likes her flat mates but they are permanently drunk or hungover. As a non drinker this has been a major disappointment to her. Whilst she is up at 7am everyone else doesn't get up until the afternoon. So her flat feels empty. She socialises with them in the communal area in the evening up until they start to get drunk and 'banter' turns a bit nasty and she retreats into her room. Last night when we skyped we could hardly hear her for the music and noise and I could see it was starting to bother her (she was counting the minutes until they left for the nightclub). There was a knock on her door and they all piled into her room hugging her and joking with us over skype. I thought this was fun until I saw my daughters face when they left! I said they seem nice, she said 'They think I'm an idiot.'. She finally said she is feeling very lonely.

She really likes the girl who she goes to societies with but she says she is still clinging onto her home life and has friends visiting or she is going back home, so it's difficult to pin her down to get together. 

Husband thinks this is just normal teenage angst and she has found a couple of friends which is enough for now. I am worried sick and cannot sleep!


----------



## turnera

This is very normal. It's a crap shoot on who you get paired with. DD27 had one really good roommate, and all the others were like you describe, or worse. In some places, they can put in a request to be put into a different apartment, she might check into that. 

Don't worry about it; it's part of the growing process; she seems to be adapting remarkably well.


----------



## john117

There's a reason neither of my college girls has a roommate. They did for undergraduate and one was great, one was a disaster.


----------



## brooklynAnn

Bad house mates can really mess with how the girls are feeling. My D20 lives in a three story small house with about 19 girls. Thank goodness her room is a single. The first year the girls were not friendly at all, even the freshmen. She had friends from her classes and science club, so.she went out with them and had lots of fun. The second year the girl in the room next door, woke up at 4 am to practice her voice lessons. Drove every one on the floor nuts. Another girl always gets drunk on the weekend and sleeps in the bathroom or in the livingroom. This year all the girls are really nice, her floor is full of freshman and they are great. Thank God. 

Every now and then she gets lonely and when we hear it in her voice, we visit her on the weekend . She is long about 3 hours away. I try to cook something nice for her and take. We take her food shopping.

Peace you can always mail her small packages of stuff. It helps with the homesickness.

We talk every morning and text all day long. So, it keeps me satisfied.


----------



## turnera

One thing we also did is visit often and invite her roommates out to dinner with us.


----------

