# trying to fix marriage



## tryingtounderstand08 (Aug 9, 2012)

I have been married for 10 years. I had some very bad previous relationships and my husband knew this.
We were best friends and I always had fun with him. He made me feel secure, loved and special (the exact opposite of my past relationships)

After we were married, I had a bad injury, which caused some major health issues. This sparked a PTSD reaction from my past abuse and caused interference from my family in our marriage. 

My loving husband became critical, negative and frustrated. We have had a lot of problems and I will admit that I did not handle some them well at all.

We have been on a roller coaster of up and down since then.

He hasn't kissed me in years, but expects sex every night and gets angry if he says I don't act like I'm "into it" 

He never says anything nice to me, still complains about everything and says that everything is my fauly because I treat him like my ex's and not himself.

When I tell him that he is talking to me disrespectfully, he says that he does so because he is tired of me always hurting his feelings by not wanting to spend time with him, and that he tried to be nice to me for years and that didn't work, so he is not being nice anymore.

I tell him that I don't want to spend time with him because he is mean to me and makes me feel like crap.

He says now that I better become the person that he married again or he is going to leave. I want to, but how can I when I feel no love from him?

He expects me to just turn back into the happy, confident person that I used to be when all I ever hear is how miserable I have made him for 10 years.

He refuses to go to counseling; says that I need to go alone, because I am the one with the issues.

don't know what to do. I want my marriage to be good again


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> After we were married, I had a bad injury, which caused some major health issues. This sparked a PTSD reaction from my past abuse and caused interference from my family in our marriage.
> 
> My loving husband became critical, negative and frustrated.


What do you think triggered him to change his demeanor toward you? Specifically? How were you treating him after your injury?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

tryingtounderstand08 said:


> He never says anything nice to me, still complains about everything and says that everything is my fauly because I treat him like my ex's and not himself.
> 
> When I tell him that he is talking to me disrespectfully, he says that he does so because he is tired of me always hurting his feelings by not wanting to spend time with him, and that he tried to be nice to me for years and that didn't work, so he is not being nice anymore.
> 
> ...


Neither of you is taking personal responsibility for your feelings or your actions. You both blame each other and use each other as an excuse for your bad choices and their consequences.

"the woman made me do it" is the worst excuse in the book followed closely by "I don't feel like it".

You both need to agree to bring some maturity into your relationship.


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## tryingtounderstand08 (Aug 9, 2012)

I was really out of it...on major meds; slept most of the time and didn't have the energy to give him...when I was up, I was in pain constantly, which stopped sex for a while and made me irritable.

He then became very critical and impatient and I responded by withdrawing (which I know was wrong, but a reaction)


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## tryingtounderstand08 (Aug 9, 2012)

@Ten Year Hubby...
can you please expand? I know I have some fault in this and want to fix things, but it is so hard to deal with someone who is so confrontational.

If you have some suggestions, I welcome them. thanks!


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Like I just said in your other thread, it's got to be equal. If he feels alienated, the solution can't be to alienate you, any more than the reverse should be true. Sounds like you need to have some real, heartfelt communication. Be calm and don't let him turn it into a fight.

I think the number one thing that kills relationships is tit for tat nonsense. And we all fall into it some times.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

tryingtounderstand08 said:


> I was really out of it...on major meds; slept most of the time and didn't have the energy to give him...when I was up, I was in pain constantly, which stopped sex for a while and made me irritable.
> 
> He then became very critical and impatient and I responded by withdrawing (which I know was wrong, but a reaction)


While you were checked out, what was he supposed to be doing in your opinion? How should he have responded?

I get it. You're sick, you don't feel good. But you know what? In a marriage you have to remember you are a couple and partnership too. His needs are just as important as yours. This may mean that an effort needs to be made to care for our partner in any way we can... even when we aren't at 100%.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Trying,

I'd say the first thing you need to do is get the counseling YOU need to become whole again.

Ideally, the two of you would also be in MC together but as everyone here knows, the only one you can change is you


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## Fightingtilltheend (Jun 15, 2012)

Hi there...Im new here and to tell you the honest truth.....what caused the breakdown of our marriage is bad communication and one not willing to bend. I know its easier said than done...but if you truly want it to work......put down your pride and your walls and you start the good whatever that is and it might be difficult because your husband doesnt want to seem to budge.....but you start...talk to him and just do it. Prayerfully and hopefully he will follow and realize that its him to.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I agree with Toeffer. Do IC. It is clear you have past issues and in the end, we can only change ourselves. Those changes will likely be noticed and spark change in your husband. If there are still issues then go to MC.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Absolutely counseling! Also, if you cannot afford it.... you could read this article, it was suggested to me by another member on here and I have been suggesting it to others since His Needs-Her Needs-Our Needs 
It talks about the top 5 needs of a man and top 5 needs of a woman and an article on communicating..... discuss this with your husband and see where you are both falling short. There is a reason he is treating you with a lack of respect, but it can change, don't lose hope, but do know that initially you may have to feel like you are doing more of the work to get him to be more receptive and see some actual changes in you. I too would suggest counseling, for the PTSD, that is an anxiety disorder and when left untreated will bring havoc to your relationships.


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## LoydAviles (Aug 10, 2012)

He then became very critical


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