# Wife prefers toys?!?!



## concerned hubby (Sep 17, 2012)

HI - 
I am new to the forum. I have a serious problem and need to find a way to get the love of my life back. Any help is most appreciated.

So, let me start out with a situation that happened two years ago...YES, I said two years. As any guy knows, masturbation simply did not end when you got married. I have been married for 20 years! Well, you know how it goes. What happened to basically END my sex life was that I simply got "caught" masturbating by my wife. I did not think it was a big deal but obviously it was. For some reason, that automatically became that I was cheating on her! Just so you know, I take my vows very seriously. I would never do that to her...I hope.

Since that day, there has been a "wall of pillows" per say put in the middle of our bed. I have tried to initiate intamacy with her but to no avail...I have failed.

Earlier in our relationship, we had purchased some vibrators to spicethings up a bit. Now, I feel I have been replaced by them. Believe me when I say I keep tabs on her toys and where they are in her nightstand. I know the position of them daily so that I know when she is using them. Lately, it has been every other day. So, have I been replaced?

I love my wife to my dying day and would never do anything to jeapordize our relationship....yet...I need to have sex with her!

What can I do to re-kindle what we once had or is a friends with benefits deal acceptable? My wife is number 1 of course, but quite frankly I am sick and tired of getting off without her. I really need some help here. There is NO WAY she would ever consider counciling.

HELP!!!


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

=(

my advice is to express to her that you didn't know that it would hurt her so much to the degree of what it seems to you that shes replaced you =( Don't judge her too fast though. Maybe shes using these things not because she WANTS to replace you but you may not be home when she feels the need to want to use them or have you. 

Maybe suggest that you both use her toys as foreplay before sex? That seems to work with some people too and it might even stimulate her even more if someone else is using them on her =) good luck! Keep calm and just tell her how you feel in a calm manner =)


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry for you; but, this is ridiculous and why have you put up with it? You guys need to see a marriage counselor or sex therapist. Unless your autoeroticism was impacting you mutual love life, I would opine that you are being abused!


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

i dont think it should be as considered as you were cheating on her just bc you were masturbating. honestly if i caught my husband, i would laugh -lol. So as far as thats concerned thats a bit much for her to feel that way. =(


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Your wife is taking advantage of you, plain and simple.
Where did she get notion that its ok for her to masturbate and forbid you from doing the same ?
She needs to get a " wake up call."
Stop being Mr. " Nice Guy" and do not put up with this abuse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Masturbation?

TRY AND STOP ME BABY! xD


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Perhaps you would let us know why your wife thinks masturbation is cheating? 

If masturbation is cheating then 99% of men in relationships have been unfaithful. 

People who wish to reconcile after affairs usually go to marriage counseling. Would your wife agree to go on that basis?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> If masturbation is cheating then 99% of men in relationships have been unfaithful.


A beautiful sight, I squeeze it real tight, I love to choke my chicken with my hands!

Matt Rogers - I Love to Choke My Chicken With My Hand - YouTube

:rofl:


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> If masturbation is cheating then 99% of men in relationships have been unfaithful.


LOL /cheer my husband agrees xD and so do i:iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So by her own logic she's cheating on you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Perhaps you would let us know why your wife thinks masturbation is cheating?
> 
> *If masturbation is cheating then 99% of men in relationships have been unfaithful. *
> 
> People who wish to reconcile after affairs usually go to marriage counseling. Would your wife agree to go on that basis?


Women also masturbate, surprise, surprise.

Some of us even do it with our partners


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Talk to her about it, lightly. Make a game out of it? Hide her toys (but if she gets mad, give them back because its not a game anymore, then, just mean-ness) and tell her she can have them back, but only if she gives you a chance to give her an orgasm better than the toys first. If she can learn to come to you before the toys, this bypass dynamic can be undone. Alternatively, hide them until she will talk to you about why she prefers them to you (again; if she gets upset, give them back immediately or she won't trust you anymore).

I don't mean you should be passive aggressive and hide them for sex ransom or some controlling purpose. Really, just put them in a box one drawer over so it's not a big deal. I'm only suggesting a playful way for you to bring up the idea of her coming to you or talking to you before bypassing you. Nagging will make sex feel like a chore. Making her feel ashamed will crush her sex drive. You just have to show her that you feel left out. And...maybe she doesn't know how to ask you for what is missing in your sex life.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she using this as an excuse to not make love to you.

fix the rest of your marriage.start working on yourself .pick up your old hobbies start exercising and most important start comunicating.
I would tell her if we don't start working on our marriage then I'm out of here by this time next year. and then start getting your ducks in a row. and be obviouse about it. but open to working on things with her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This makes no sense. I can't believe it's OK for her to use toys to masturbate but you aren't allowed to masturbate. Is there more to the story?

Did she masturbate with the toys before she caught you or did that start after she caught you? Had you turned her down prior to being caught? Were you looking at porn of some sort causing her to view it as cheating? 

If it's simply this cut and dried she seems to be really unreasonable and looking for an excuse. Counseling seems to be in order.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Holland said:


> Women also masturbate, surprise, surprise.
> 
> Some of us even do it with our partners


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> *So by her own logic she's cheating on you.*


:iagree:

Maybe he needs to do some * snooping?*
Because none of her actions seem logical
OP,
Are you sure there isn't a " third party" in the picture?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

I would tell her staright out that since it's OK for you NOT to have sex with me and it's OK for you to masterbate, I guess you won't mind if I either file for divorce or get a FWB


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> Maybe he needs to do some * snooping?*
> Because none of her actions seem logical
> OP,
> Are you sure there isn't a " third party" in the picture?


It almost is if she was looking for reason to not have sex with you. Then catching you masturbating was her scapegoat. You need to look further into her motives. Check around for "friends".


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

I feel bad for you because I know for a man to come on here and say he still loves his wife, well it means just that. Wow, she's acting ridiculous! You've got to tell her that if the sex ends, the marriage is in trouble. Take it from a guy married 16 years and a little to no sex marriage. I'm divorcing her for this and other reasons as well. Please fix this now before more damage is done. ASk her to go to MC NOW!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You know, I agree with folks who say you should investigate. Preferring toys means that she's choosing a direct line to her pleasure and excluding you because she wants the results without the hassle. But, preferring isn't the same as neglecting you to get her needs met while denying you yours; that's just unfair. It seems a little weird that she'd consider masturbation cheating, so maybe she has a guilty conscience about a crush or something more. 

If it isn't just a matter of preference, if she is actively avoiding intimacy with you and making excuses, then there is a bigger problem. You need to find a way to talk to her about what's wrong. Again, nagging and demanding wont work and you need to find a way to get her to open up to you about why she is avoiding intimacy with you.


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## WhatASituation (Sep 27, 2012)

OP, also what is her upbringing? Did she come from an ultra-religious, ultra-conservative home? Typically people with that type of upbringing feel any type of sex is almost dirty and masturbation is deviant (ridiculous of course)!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

It's an excuse, and nothing more. Now you need to figure out why she feels she needed an excuse to avoid sex with you. 

And I'd bet she had these toys hidden and in use long before she caught you. 

If by some chance she really feels like you were wrong for masturbating and were "cheating" her (I doubt that), then she has a lot of growing up to do for an older woman. And she needs counseling.

I'd offer her a polygraph. Since she's up on this high horse, make her prove to you that she has not masturbated during your marriage. I'll bet my next paycheck that needle will be jumping off the page.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm guessing she's dissatisfied with your performance in bed (maybe you're a quick draw mcgraw) and the catching you masturbating gave her an excuse to not have sex with you anymore. With the toys, she controls everything, including when she orgasms. If she never did with you for whatever reason, maybe she feels this is a better alternative.

Either way, it's an excuse to avoid you and it's not good. I'd call her on it.


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## concerned hubby (Sep 17, 2012)

Here is the problem...she has NO IDEA that I know and keep tabs on her "toys". If I brought this forward...God knows what would happen. 

I seriously don't think counciling would be receptive. Any other ideas on how to covertly let her know how I feel? 

Believe me, I have been presented several occations that I could have cheated on her and had a good time...but have not (yet)! Sorry to say this, time is running VERY SHORT.


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## Hira (Aug 16, 2012)

That's really a wrong way you are going you have to talk clearly and I hope you are not coward.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

concerned hubby said:


> Here is the problem...she has NO IDEA that I know and keep tabs on her "toys". If I brought this forward...God knows what would happen.
> 
> I seriously don't think counciling would be receptive. Any other ideas on how to covertly let her know how I feel?
> 
> Believe me, I have been presented several occations that I could have cheated on her and had a good time...but have not (yet)! Sorry to say this, time is running VERY SHORT.


Why are you not able to tell her it's unacceptable. You have a hand in ruining your own marriage if you cannot stand up for yourself, nor let her know that your marriage is in bad shape because if this.

You need to give her an ultimatum and mean it. Or I see nothing changing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Were there issues in your sex life before she caught you? Was she feeling neglected by you sexually? This is the only way I could see that she might see it as betraying her somehow if you were taking matters into your own hands/fantasies.


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## concerned hubby (Sep 17, 2012)

hehasmyheart said:


> Were there issues in your sex life before she caught you? Was she feeling neglected by you sexually? This is the only way I could see that she might see it as betraying her somehow if you were taking matters into your own hands/fantasies.


Our sex life was great! Usually 2-3 times a week and then 0...just out of the blue for no apperant reason unless whacking it is a "reason".

I guess I just ned to come up with a tactful way to bring the issue out because if I let her know that I keep tabs on the toys, I am affraid that it will become a serious trust issue...kind of like I am spying on her.

We are at best right now...best friends with kids...kind of sux.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

concerned hubby said:


> Our sex life was great! Usually 2-3 times a week and then 0...just out of the blue for no apperant reason unless whacking it is a "reason".
> 
> I guess I just ned to come up with a tactful way to bring the issue out because if I let her know that I keep tabs on the toys, I am affraid that it will become a serious trust issue...kind of like I am spying on her.
> 
> We are at best right now...best friends with kids...kind of sux.


You are her husband you, she signed the paper saying you are allowed to spy on her.

Be reasonable though, you have two possibilities. 1: she doesn't like having sex with you anymore. 2: she is having an affair.


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## concerned hubby (Sep 17, 2012)

@Another Planet ---I had suspected in the past that there was some fooling around...now you have raised my suspicion again. Now to actually catch her! But then what would I do...she is the love of my life! Like I said in earlier posts...I have had several "opportunities" but I take my vows seriously even after 20 years. Maybe a FWB is where this is headed.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

If you have any doubt that something is good or bad that is your conscience telling you it is. Now whether a psych disorder is involved in your decision or not is up to you.

AND no that is not healthy for her to do that and treat you like that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she using skype or texting leading up to or during these sessions with the toys? Something is way off - she's still sexual, but you've been given the boot.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It's possible that she is having an affair, though it doesn't seem to have started there if you went from several times weekly to nothing immediately. 

Honestly, I'd take a very simple approach and say, "You've stopped contributing to a very important aspect of our marriage in order to punish me. I think this is a childish and unfair way to handle problems. I don't think you know how devastating it is to me, so I am going to show you by withholding something that means as much to you as a healthy sex life means to me. From now until we resolve this issue, I will (and state what you'll be doing instead.) I hope you will decide to recommit to our marriage so that I can, too."

Choose one: 
If conversations are important to her, stop talking. 
If you're paying important bills that she generated, let her pay them instead. 
If you take care of the kids so she can have some private time, spend time with them while she's at work instead.

Whatever you choose, make it something that will let her experience suffering the loss of something important to her, but make it clear that you WANT to provide it and you're waiting for her signal that she wants you to, as well.


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