# husband hang up with friends and cheating



## sep sep (11 mo ago)

My husband spends lotsa times with friends.This was our problem from first days of marriage till now. Although he provides a comfortable life for me and our two preschoolers, I have felt him very distant emotionally during my married years. I argued and fighted and talked alot, trying to convinience him to spent more time with me, he says he can't live without going out socializing with friends, he gets depressed , etc.
For some months I decided to take it easy and accept him with such personality, but last year I eventually found out he cheated on me several times with whores, spending lots of money on them and telling lies to me, that he was at his friends for those nights. I was shocked and he showed remorse and regret asking me to give him a chance. I decided to stay with him and asked him to help me regain the trust, not spend any night out of home. He accepted and for some few months he lessened the friend times and didn't go night outs.
I tried to work on our relationship, more times together, learning about better sex and whatever I knew to help us come closer emotionally. But as time passes he is starting his night outs and more times with friends. 
I feel very lonely and I have no trust in him what is happening at those times he is out. I reminded him for his promise and he says he can't live with my suspection and I should let him live his life the way he needs! and he claims that he is not doing anything wrong.
It has been 1 years from the time cheating revealed, and 6 years from our wedding.
We have two children 3 and 5 very dependent on their dad. I have some salary but it isn't enough for my children have a comfortable life they have now. I think of divorce alot but I want it as the last choice. I have no other family member to support me, anyway.
So I doubt I divorce or wait until another cheat happen? I am suffering loneliness because his priorities are his personal joy with friends, and I am severely stressed if he is cheating and I may not find out.
Why he is so addicted to his friends? Why he can't make friends with me? I have very intimate close friends for 20 years and more but I wonder how he never could be my close friend. He doesn't know himself why!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am so sorry for you situation.

Your husband is not a husband he is a selfish ass-hole.

If you allow him this behavior, you need to change your Avatar name to sap sap.

Quietly, start saving all of your money you can. Skim off his, also.

Develop a divorce plan and work on it secretly.

Get a higher paying job, or work more hours, so as to save more, faster.


_Nemesis-_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@sep sep Have you been able to speak with your families? Do you have a religious figure that could help?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Spending time with friends is one thing. If that was all I would tell you to be a bit more accepting & ocassionally get a babysitter to join in the fun. 

But it's not spending time with friends. Your husband is lying & using that as a cover / excuse to cheat. 

First get yourself to a doctor to get checked for disease. Then start making a plan to leave. He will never change. He's a liar & a cheat who does not care about you or the kids. Get a lawyer & figure out child support.


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## sep sep (11 mo ago)

I have no brother and sister, I only have an old mother who needs my attention and help. I have told her about him going out with friends but haven't told about his infidelity. She belives that I may divorce but life gets worse after it. 
I'm afraid of loneliness, I think if something happens to me there is no one for any help.I have some good friends but not living in my town and busy with their carrier.What are the problems for a single mom of two preschoolers? Will I have more troubles with kids and finances and loneliness after divorce?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

sep sep said:


> I have no brother and sister, I only have an old mother who needs my attention and help. I have told her about him going out with friends but haven't told about his infidelity. She believes that I may divorce but life gets worse after it.
> I'm afraid of loneliness, I think if something happens to me there is no one for any help.I have some good friends but not living in my town and busy with their carrier.What are the problems for a single mom of two preschoolers? Will I have more troubles with kids and finances and loneliness after divorce?


Those preschoolers will keep you very busy, as you know!

Loneliness? You can make virtual _lady friends_ here, on TAM.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sep sep said:


> I have no brother and sister, I only have an old mother who needs my attention and help. I have told her about him going out with friends but haven't told about his infidelity. She belives that I may divorce but life gets worse after it.
> I'm afraid of loneliness, I think if something happens to me there is no one for any help.I have some good friends but not living in my town and busy with their carrier.What are the problems for a single mom of two preschoolers? Will I have more troubles with kids and finances and loneliness after divorce?


You won't be alone, you have 2 kids.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

sep sep said:


> My husband spends lotsa times with friends.This was our problem from first days of marriage till now.


So you knew that he was the way he was when you decided to marry him. You also knew that he was the way he was when you decided to have babies with him. You ignored the red flags, made your decisions, and now you're whining about it. Sorry, but you are stuck until your youngest turns 18. It's the consequence of your decisions.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The fear of loneliness is not a great reason to stay married. You can make friends by getting involved in your community & keeping up with the kids' activities. 

Go live with your mom. Having you & the grandkids around should keep her young & active too. It will reduce your overhead while you get back on your feet. 

Finances are an issue so make a budget, get a better job if you can, & improve your financial literacy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How can you have any respect at all for a man who goes to prostitutes and can't be bothered to stay home with his family.
I would leave. Ok so your children may not have luxuries afterwards but small kids don't care about that stuff anyway. You could easily catch an std from him as well. 
As for friends, go to groups and meet with other mums. There are so many things for mums and toddlers now.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Have some self respect and don't accept this kind of behavior. He is a remorseless cheater and that won't change.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Loneliness is better than life with an a''hole cheating man child.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Are you not lonely now?? It sounds like you are so what is different if you divorce? Sounds like only financial. That can be remedied by child support and/or alimony and you can perhaps get a better paying job.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

sep sep said:


> My husband spends lotsa times with friends.This was our problem from first days of marriage till now. Although he provides a comfortable life for me and our two preschoolers, I have felt him very distant emotionally during my married years. I argued and fighted and talked alot, trying to convinience him to spent more time with me, he says he can't live without going out socializing with friends, he gets depressed , etc.
> For some months I decided to take it easy and accept him with such personality, but last year I eventually found out he cheated on me several times with whores, spending lots of money on them and telling lies to me, that he was at his friends for those nights. I was shocked and he showed remorse and regret asking me to give him a chance. I decided to stay with him and asked him to help me regain the trust, not spend any night out of home. He accepted and for some few months he lessened the friend times and didn't go night outs.
> I tried to work on our relationship, more times together, learning about better sex and whatever I knew to help us come closer emotionally. But as time passes he is starting his night outs and more times with friends.
> I feel very lonely and I have no trust in him what is happening at those times he is out. I reminded him for his promise and he says he can't live with my suspection and I should let him live his life the way he needs! and he claims that he is not doing anything wrong.
> ...


You would not be reliant on your money alone if you divorced him because he would have to pay child support or take the children half the time depending on what is customary in your country. He doesn't want to be married.


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

I'm sorry, but you are in a marriage of one. 

"I decided to stay with him and asked him to help me regain the trust, not spend any night out of home."
It was not your job to convince him to help you regain trust. He should have been asking you how he could regain your trust. He agreed to shut you up.

"I tried to work on our relationship, more times together, learning about better sex and whatever I knew to help us come closer emotionally."
You tried? Where is the "we tried"? No one person can repair a marriage. He should have been working with you, going to counseling with you, trying to get the image of him with other women out of your head.

"I feel very lonely and I have no trust in him what is happening at those times he is out."
Of course you don't. Nor should you. You have no evidence he is trustworthy. You have no evidence he has any real interest in your marriage.

"his priorities are his personal joy with friends"
There you go.

"Why he is so addicted to his friends? Why he can't make friends with me?"
Does it matter???? He choses them over you and your children. 

"He doesn't know himself why!"
He knows. Of course he knows. He says he doesn't because he is too much of a coward to admit he is not in love with you and does not want the responsiblity.

You need to realize that this marriage is not and never will be your vision of a marriage. Get a plan. Get out.


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## SurfsUpToday (Dec 6, 2021)

I hope you are not having sex with him. You are at very high risk of an std. When my first marriage went south I had the same fear. You know what I found a truly wonderful woman to marry for my second marriage. It’s not perfect but we love and trust each other. Don’t be afraid of loneliness. Be afraid of a deadly std. divorce asap.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

You sound like you are staying because you are afraid of the unknown, not staying because you think he will change. That's a much easier fix. If you were staying because you think one day he will magically become remorseful and become a moral person, well...there would be no hope for you here.

However, scared to make a change is an easy fix. Right now, the only reality you know about is the what it feels like to be lonely. Because currently, you are waiting at home for a partner that is not invested in your life, to maybe come home and give you a few crumbs of affection. You are currently starving on that diet of crumbs. 

Now, picture what it would be like to sit in your home, alone, not waiting on someone to show up and give you crumbs. You are suddenly free to make any decision you want to make. You have the freedom to go out to the park, because you are not waiting at home to see if he will show up in the next hour. You have the freedom to pick up a new hobby. You have the freedom to daydream about dating someone. You have the freedom to walk down the street, alone, and catch the attention of anyone you chose to. You can smile at a stranger, knowing full well, it could lead to something fun. Being alone, not in a relationship with someone that is feeding you crumbs, is not loneliness. It is utter and complete freedom. It is liberating. It is glorious. 

Yes, if you are used to someone working full time and handing you a paycheck, it will be more work than you are used to. But the trade off can be wonderful once you are released from the burden of investing your time and emotions into someone that is giving nothing back to you at all.


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