# bad fight



## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

My wife and I got in an argument this morning. To make a long story short: 

She started throwing my office supplies on my desk all over the floor in the living room, so I I tried to stop her by holding her so she wouldn't throw any more stuff on the floor. After I let her go about 5 minutes later she picked up a knife warning me not to touch her again. She didn't attack me with the knife and I don't think she would, but what shoud I think of a situation like this? :scratchhead:

Thanks


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Are there any kids involved?


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

no kids


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

Does anybody have any comments on this situation. I am pondering over what I should do if anything? No kids yet, but if or when we do have kids do I really want my kids to see this anger. When she gets upset she starts throwing things and even hitting me. She will always say it's my fault that she throws things and hits me...


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## hopingforamiracle (Jan 11, 2010)

If she blames you for her own violent behavior, then my suggestion is for you to start therapy or something together before you have children. If therapy doesn't work, or you can't even broach the subject, than I suggest, my friend, run as fast as you can. It will be much more difficult as more time passes.


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## hopingforamiracle (Jan 11, 2010)

I am in an exactly similar situation, except it has been 10yrs, marriage, and three children since.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Maybe just reassure that you wouldn't ever hurt her, maybe you really scared her.......
sounds a little crazy to me that she would react like that.
has she reacted like this before?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well, first, why does she hate you so much? If you dont know, then you can believe that's one of the reasons.

secondly, she needs help. she needs counseling or something.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

2010TAX said:


> Does anybody have any comments on this situation. I am pondering over what I should do if anything? No kids yet, but if or when we do have kids do I really want my kids to see this anger. When she gets upset she starts throwing things and even hitting me. She will always say it's my fault that she throws things and hits me...


You definitely need to do something. This is not normal and I highly doubt things will change without intervention. 

It may be something you said or did that gets her upset, but that's about all that she can label 'your fault'....throwing things and getting violent is not your fault...it is her inability to control her anger. 

I would not be able to live with a spouse like this, but at minimum I would think she needs counselling/anger management to learn how to cope when she is upset.


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

Thank you for all your advise. Maybe I should see if she wants to go to counceling. I just don't know anymore.. I mean I know I make her upset about things, but she makes me upset too, but I would never pull a knife on her and warn her like she did to me. The reason for the fight was that she thought I was taking my mothers side. See another thing that makes her upset is that my mother calls me probably around 3 to 4 times a week to see how i am doing because I live about 4 hours away from her. So I talk to her for about on average 15 minutes a phone call. She thinks I care more about my mother than I do her. The thing is, is my parents got divorsed late in life and my mother of course was devistated, she has been alone now for about 10 years now, dating some guys, but still not married, etc.. So I feel atleast I should talk to my mother when she calls me. I am just trying to big a good son, it's not like I am going to her house to see her, all it is, is a phone call... 

She has slapped me in the face too a couple of times when we fight, and she blames the outcome which is the slap in the face on me, because I made her upset.... DOES that MAKE SENCE? please advise on this... 

She is a very A type person.. very strict and thinks she is right most of the time, she can't joke around that much either...


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Uh, I didn't even slap my husband when he told me he had an affair. I don't know what type personality I am, but I know that hitting him isn't going to get us anywhere. How would I feel if the police had to cart me out of the house?? LoL. No, hitting by any means isn't okay. Definately need to get her some anger management and regular counseling, because what do abusers do? Hit you and then tell you it was your fault!


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

2010TAX said:


> Maybe I should see if she wants to go to counceling.


Do you always follow your woman?

This is the root of this problem, your woman does NOT respect you, and this is causing her to resent you and push your buttons to this extreme, which is abuse. 

And you let her get away with this abusive behavior.

Yes, it is abuse, you are right now in this minute in an abusive relationship.

Do NOT ask permission from this woman for another thing. Instead, from this minute on stop being a boy and be a man.

And this is doing these things:

Make the appointment yourself now to see the counselor. Tell your woman you are doing it and why. If you and her are able to communicating like adults, then invite her to come. Regardless, go yourself.

Do NOT let your woman push your buttons. Always remain calm and in control, even if this means you are leaving the room or even the house if your woman is throwing a tantrum. Reinforce adult behavior, ignore childish behavior. 

If there is any more physical abuse, tell your woman you will contact a lawyer and do it.

When a woman like this sees her man is in control of himself, it will calm her down. 

When a woman like this see her man is swayed like the wind when she pushes his buttons, she will grow more resentful.

I wish you well.


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it...

Maybe I should put my foot down and tell her this is a serious problem. This morning I mentioned she had a Anger Problem and she started blaming my mother. She even said my mother didn't do anything with her life. I am seriously thinking about moving out. I don't know? I mean she doesn't think she has a problem, so if she doesn't think she has a problem then she will resist getting help or totally changing. Should I just tell her she either needs to change or get some help with the anger managment or I am moving out? If I tell her I am moving out and try she will blow her lid and brake everything I have. I am thinking I should just move out without telling her? I know she has to travel for work in a week so maybe I take my stuff then? I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave her but I don't think she is taking this serious enough. Confused....


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

and last night I mentioned she needs help with her anger and then she said only if you can promise me that you'll stop siding with your mother.... ?? what am I supposed to think of that? 

any feed back would be appreciated...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

2010TAX said:


> and last night I mentioned she needs help with her anger and then she said only if you can promise me that you'll stop siding with your mother.... ?? what am I supposed to think of that?
> 
> any feed back would be appreciated...




You are supposed to think this, that her dealing with her anger is not negotiable, and you are telling her she is needing to deal with this if she wants to continue to be in your life, and is not a negotion point for her to try to get her way with you.

It does not work to reward a child for being manipulative, and it will not work for a woman when she is doing the same things.

Stop letting her control you. It will make neither of you happy.

Stand up for yourself, then your woman will respect you.

When your woman respects you, then you will be able to communicate with each other like adults.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

This woman needs help and fast. If there is any thing you can do to make her understand the need to control her anger, please do it.

If you do move out, be prepared for her to blame you and for the anger to escalate for a time. She won't really get it right away and the anger will take over. Understand that it will take time for you to be away and for her to realize WHY it is you're away.

She does need to respect you as a man, and that means not seeing you bow to her manipulation and watching you follow through on what you've said. By all means, put your foot down. She will be better off in the end and so will you.


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## cobol (Jan 14, 2010)

> ... I mentioned she needs help with her anger and then she said only if you can promise me that you'll stop siding with ...


I agree with some of the prior posters - the violence and physical abuse is not a negotiating point, and she's still trying to make it one so you give in and she gets her way ...

But then what happens down the road when she wants something else. Making a concession for her to stop hitting you simply reinforces that if she hits you or throws your stuff around, that you'll do what she wants you to do. That concession is a positive reinforcer for her.

I'd recommend you just say that we're going to therapy to discuss it, or that she curb her anger issues, and then we'll talk - something to that effect. 

Make it her getting a discussion about your mom contingent upon her finishing an anger management class. She finish the class, then talk.

And then if she finishes the class, be sure to follow through on your side of the bargain.


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## 2010TAX (Jan 9, 2010)

Thanks for your responses! About 2 days ago I told her she needs to control her anger and needs to get some help. She told me she doesn't need help. 

She has a very quick temper that I've put up with for 6 years. Just the other day she thought I did something wrong but in the end I was right, during that time she got upset at me. It was over a new bank account where if I used the card as a cc for 2 months we would get $100 free in our account. If the roles were reversed and sh messed up the new bank account and getting the $100 free I wouldn't get mad at her at all, even though I care about losing the $100 it's not worth fighting over. I think I am at the tail end of this marriage. 

I almost think I have no other choice but to move out and see what she decides. I mean if she can't control her anger I don't think I want to be is this marriage then. But I don't want to throw 6 years away. 
I know if I leave she is going to blame me for everything, like always. 
I am thinking I'll have to move out during the day one day while she is at work. I don't know? Has anybody done something like this before? Very difficult decission. I don't want to be alone, but maybe it's the best thing to do. When I have kids I sure don't want them seeing parents argue like we argue. I remember seeing my parents fight and eventually they got divorced.

The past day and a half she has been pretty nice to me, but this will only last a couple of days then back to the same old person. It is a cylce...


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