# What is she doing???



## Fiveholer (Jul 1, 2010)

Ok, I originally posted my story in "Coping With Fidelity Forum" some time ago. This can be found here: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/14673-where-we-right-now.html

I hope this is the right place for this now.

Let's fast forward to now. I have since had a few trips to Florida to "get away from it all" in relaity, I go down to vent to a good friend. Has it helped? A little bit while I am there, I feel stronger with some coaching. In the beginning, after finding out about the supposed "EA" only, I was a massive wreck. I am only slightly better now. I still live by my phone and still live for contact from my wife. I think this is my biggest issue. I still want her to come home even though as recent as today in a phonecall she says "I am not coming home. I filed divorce papers back in early June on the advice of my wife's dad to "snap her head around a little bit." I have done nothing else with them since except give them to my wife who seems to have no even read them. She has had them for close to a month now. Anyway...the last few weeks, it has been texts only for a "Goodnight, sweet dreams" When I went to Florida the first time, the 2nd day I was there with almost no contact she calls me and asks me to look up the lyrics to a Carrie Underwood song called "I told You so" Anyone know it? The jist of it is, if I came home would you rub it in my face or would you take me back, etc" I thought this was a great thing that she was ready to come home after a couple month of these games. Well, not the case. It seems everytime I am away and she knows I am doing something on my phone, she loses control and pulls me back in, and of course, I allow it. I want nothing more than my wife to come home and work on our marriage which I see as being stronger than ever with a lot of work. Doesn't eveyone that has gone through this?

I come home, and we go back into the same patterns, I know she is still seeing the OM and it is still said from both sides that there has been nothing more than two kisses. Well, my last trip to Florida, I was going to go ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT with her. Well, my first night there, my friend and his dad take me out to eat, get some drinks in me to loosen me up. This is all well and good until I am sitting at the bar and my buzz starts to wear off. I start to tear up in front of everyone and tell my friend "I have to get out of here." Luckily, he lives in a condo across the street so I walk back over and then proceed to sit in the grass and ball my eyes out. Anyway, he comes over to let me up and we sit around for a bit and I get a text from my wife "Goodnight" I don't reply. It's killing me so much to reply that I physically give my phone to my friend and he hides it so I don't have the temptation. So, I go sit on his balcony on a laptop until I cool down, actually reading these forums. Which seems to ease the mind for a while. This is a good place for 
therapy. he leaves to go back out, I get sleepy, go and pass out on the bed. He comes home, I ask for my phone back which he reluctlantly gives me. I go to bed, I don't text or anything. Next day, I go all day until bedtime again. About the same time that night, I get another text from my wife "Wow, at least you could have said goodnight last night, you don't have to be a **** about things!" I laugh almost hysterically. We can't believe how with no contact from me, she gets angry. Shortly after that, my phone half-rings. We determine it to be her calling to see if it goes straight to voicemail (like when your phone is off" or seeing if it rings to see if I am ignoring her. We go to bed, no contact back with her. The next day, Monday, I was to fly back home, well, I work for an airline and fly standby and the flights home did not look good at all, the next morning early did, so I decide to fly home first thing on Tuesday morning to make work at 1pm. I need to mention that before I left for Florida, my wife had suggested that when I get back "We should get together for lunch or soemthing before she starts her new job on Thursday (July 22nd)" (She had been unemployed since May 20th when she moved out and the EA really took off.) So, midday when I would have originally been back home, I get a phone call from the wife, which I ignore. 10 minutes later, she tries again. About another 10 minutes, she texts me "Hey, I was wanting to see if you wanted to have lunch or something. I guess I must have done something wrong again" Are you kidding me?!!! Oops, did I do something wrong? Uh, yeah, only cheated and moved out. I should be to blame though as well as I let her pull me back in on these things.

Let's fast forward a couple hours, I had browsed the internet for more support forums to kill time while my friend was working dilligently to finish some projects and then I finally coaxed him and his dad to get out and play some golf. So, we are driving out to play some golf and here goes my phone. 1 missed call, 2 missed calls, 3 missed calls, all in a span of a couple minutes. The fourth one she leaves a voicemail: "Hey, its agout 3:30 on Monday, I have tried to call you a couple time and you don't answer, I don't know what the deal is, I tried calling your friend's phone and he hits the reject button. I thought you were ok when you left and now you have gone completely rude. Um, I am not sure what the deal is, I thought we were good when you left, so um, just give me a call back later I guess." So....we just shake our heads at this and continue on. She texts me "I wanted to talk to you and tell you something you would be proud of but if you don't answer your phone, I can't."We see this as her way to get control back and get me to respond. It is killing me, but friend and dad talk me out of it. We continue on to golf, a couple holes in, here goes my phone again. Few more missed calls and then come more texts. I wanted to talk to you and you need to answer, you will not be happy with yourself later if you don't." I gotta know what is going on at this point so with some coaching, I reply that "I am busy right now, I'll call you back in a couple hours." She continues to text me, "Forget it, if you can't answer your phone, I can see how important this is to you." "I didn't want to ask you over a text but can I come home?" My mind is going nuts at this point and dying to reply. She then says something about "I was set to drive to your parents and apologize for this whole mess, but forget the whole thing, I will go sign the papers tomorrow." I reply back with "It's hard to believe anything from you right now, let me think about things for a few hours." We get done, I get back to my friend's and give her a call. She is mad that I wouldn't answer, etc, that it doesn't matter now, etc. The thing she said that she did was "drive a letter and leave it at the OM's place." (He was supposed to be out of town.) we all know that NC letters are to be approved by both BS and WS. I didn't like this one bit and told her. She said I can believe it or not and that she has no way of proving she didn't write/drop one off. So, phone conversation doesn't go too well. we text a few more times and then its time for bed. I get up, fly home the next morning.

I don't recall speaking the next few days leading up to her first day at her new job. That morning, I text her "I hope you have a good first day at work" I get a simple thank you back. This is where things start to get interesting, changes in her behavior. Everyday since she has started her new job, she has called me when she takes a lunch or leaves work. If she doesn't call me on her lunch, she will text me a simple "Hiya or smiley face." short chats, nothing big, just her initiating a lot of the contact now. So, Saturday, we are to talk about things, she works until noon, goes to her mom's to clean a little for some extra money. (She has been flat broke.) She comes over a couple hours later and we have lunch out and then back to the house to talk. She sticks to her theory of we just need to finish the papers and stay apart for a while and who knows in a couple months, we might start dating each other again. Anyway, she leaves after a bit, we hug (as we do after we see each other). I am upset the rest of the afternoon and then later on in the evening, 
really good neighbors across the street are sitting on their porch enjoying the evening (They are like a 2nd set of parents and know everything that is going on), I go over there and talk for a bit. I cry a little bit over the situation and then what happens? Phone rings, its the wife, I step into the yard to talk. She was in her car so I ask what she is doing (I know, a bad habit when you are situation and you are wondering if the A is still going on.) Anyway, she had run to the store to rent a movie as her dad was asleep on the couch snoring. She starts to end the conversation and I say "You must be back at your dad's since you are getting off the phone." (I know another bad habit.) She has been spltting time between her dad's couch and her mom's living room floor for sleeping! Anwyway, her dad and I are not on speaking terms right now after some bad decisions on my part. He has been a support and somewhat of an 
informant to me and I let emotions run away after one of our convos and basically sold him out creating a rift between him and my wife. They are ok with each other now but he is not ok with me. Anyway, she says she will call me back once she is inside as she doesn't want to walk in talking and wake her dad. I tell her, don't worry about it, go enjoy your movie, have a good night. I go back to my neighbors, about about 10 minutes later, a car turns down the 
street. My wife's car makes a specific rubbing noise and I immediately know its her. I am shocked. I look at my neighbor and day "Well, looks like I will be going now." I walk over and she has the movie, some chips and some candy. We are both smiling. We walk in and put the movie in, she falls asleep halfway through, I finish the movie and then watch some TV. She wakes up, its about 1am. I need to mention at this time that earlier in the week via text she admitted to being sorry for all the pain she has caused me and that she gave up "her marriage, family, and health to chase something selfish" that she was going to start church on sunday and help for herself shortly after" that "nothing ever became of him and her" (She had maintained all throughout that they were only friends, although, some of her words incidated she wanted more.)

Anyway, I wake her up just after one (We were laying end to end on the couch as we always have.) We watch TV for a few minutes and then determine that she will stay the night and to set my alarm for 6am so she can get up, go to her dads and get ready for church. She had started to say she was going to sleep on the couch and I insisted she sleep in the bed as she has been sleeping on the couch/floor for a couple months save for a handful of nights she has spent back home. I tell her, we can sleep head to toe if she wants. She agrees, she sleeps in the shorts/shirt she came over in and I sleep in my boxers. We start to relax, she actually moans when she feels how good the bed feels after all the couch time. Anyway, about 5 minutes later, we both declare we are hungry and at 2am, decide to spontaneously hit the 24hr McDonald's down the street. We laugh and go do it. Come back, watch TV for another half hour and finally go to bed about 3am. I am thinking, no way, 6am is going to happen. Well, it doesn't church was at 10:30 and we got out of bed at 11. Nothing happened excpet good sleep for I assume both of us, her for the bed, me for having my wife back next to me. We get up, and end up making french toast together. She finally leaves the house about 1:30. I ask her to consider going to the evening church service and she says she might but "don't ask her to 
hang out afterwards, she doesn't want to." she calls me an hour or so after being gone. Says she had just mowed her dad's yard and that she wasn't going to go to church because "No one else was going." I was upset, telling her she was supposed to be doing it for herself and she didn't need anyone else to go." She got a little angry and we ended the call. I fired off some texts about her vowing to start church and get help for herself and I want to go with her 
because I know she won't do it if someone doesn't push her and then about how it had to have felt good to watch TV on her own couch, sleep in her own bed again, and make breakfast in her own kitchen again. How could she not want to come home. (Again, I know I am pleading which I shouldn't be doing. It's hard 
to stop yourself sometimes.) Anyway, I am really upset as I have been wanting to start church again with her since this whole mess started. We used to go when we were first married and then stopped. We were much happier when we were in church. So, about 20 minutes later, she calls me back and says "I am going 
to iron some clothes if you still want to go to church later." I of course oblige and get myself ready. We meet each other there and walk in to find her grandparents in their usualy spot. Her grandma seemed to about faint when she saw us come in. I went to church on my own on the 4th of July and talked with them a bit about the situation. My wife had not seen them since Father's Day I believe. Anyway, church goes well, and oddly enough the sermon was about the "evils" of Facebook and how a lot of counseling the Pastor does is for couples that have had affairs started through FB. Anyway, church is over and we see her brother and his wife, who married on the 11th of June. They don't know the capacity of what is still going on but still know something is going on. We chat for a second and they invite us to come see their place one of these days, which was an awkward moment considering the circumstances. We head to the 
parking lot and talk about some other family issues of hers with siblings, etc and then the divorce talk starts again and cools off. I ask her if she would like to go have coffee or some ice cream but she declines, she was going to go back to her dad's and eat some burgers from earlier in the day. She tells me to get some food on the way home and I tell her that I don't have money that I will grab something out of the freezer. She pulls out 6 bucks that she had 
for gas and insisted I take it. I kept declining, but in the end took is as she "was going to get some money for gas from her dad". She then asks me "What are you doing tomorrow evening?" I tell her nothing and she says "Maybe we'll get together after work" I am happy and tell her to give me a call. We head out, I stop for food on the way home and then I am almost home and she calls me to make sure I got myself some dinner, have a good night and I'll call ya tomorrow" We text a couple random things later that night and say our goodnights.

Monday morning, 7:30am, my phone is ringing, its her. She forgot to ask her dad for some gas money and she can't make it to work, her low fuel light is on. She asks if I can help her out. She is 20+ minutes away, but of course I go to help her out. She asks for 5 bucks, I put 10 in. She tells me thank you and I ask her if she wants something to drink before she leaves for work. She says, "sure, that sounds good, thanks babe!" I stop in my tracks and say "babe?" (I know I should have just let it go but I hadn't heard it in a long time. She replies "Yeah, is that ok?" I say sure, that it was nice to hear it again. We walk in, get our drinks, leave and we hug, she says I'll talk to you later. I go home, I am off work, I am around the house all day until she gets off at 6. She calls me when she leaves work and as we are talking, her car starts to overheat, she says she'll call me back. Well, call never comes and 20 minutes later I call her and then she calls me back, she made it to her dad's and getting together to do something wasn't looking too good. I understand considering her car. We end up talking later for about 25 minutes while we were both cooking frozen pizzas and then text later on while watching TV. She has been in contact alot lately since she started her job. It's a change but a welcome one. Tuesday comes, I go to work, she works, I am working evening right 
now, and she gets off at 6. She calls me once during the day and asks "If I want to get together for coffee tomorrow night?" (Wednesday) I say sure, but I thought she was getting her hair done at 6:30. She says after when I get off at 11:30. I say sure, we agree we will meet at IHOP near our house. So, later one before she is off work again, she calls me from work. Tells me she misses me, that the girls at work were all talking about going home and making 
dinner. She misses doing that, as do I. I haven't made dinner at home since she left in May. She mentions maybe this weekend we can make lasagna or spaghetti. I am excited and we end the convo. She calls as she is leaving work again but I am busy at work and cannot answer. She tried 5 times then left a voicemail as she was entering the hair salon that she would be unreachable for the next hour or so and that she would try me later. She never does, so I 
text her later and ask if she is still on for coffee. She says yes and we set a time. Time is getting closer and she is starting to bacck out. (she has done this before when she suggested we meet) She starts with the I'm tired, I don't have any gas, etc" I compromise to meet at a place near her dad's. She finally agrees. I agree that I did push her but I didn't want to get hung again. So, we meet, walk in, she says "My dad isn't happy I came to meet you, he says, I am being too nice to you and that if I cared about her, I wouldn't have made her go out late when she was tired" Whatever! So, we site down and I notice she is wearing a little braclet she bought sometime ago that has the letter D on it for my name. I ask when she started wearing that and she said "I dunno, yesterday" I let it go after that, but couldn't help but think the OM's name starts with a D" Anyway, we have a meal and I know I need to get gas to 
get home and ask her if she has any gas left, she doesn't and I ask her to follow me to the station and I'll put some gas in her car. she comes. As we are leaving, She gives me a hug, not the usual hug, a long, really hard squeezed hug. I am surprised, I tell her I am off the weekend and if she still wants to make dinner to give me a call. She gives me another hug and as I am getting into my car, she says "I love you" I reply, I love her too. I am surprised to hear it and we leave. Now, I have to follow her a couple miles before she turns off for her dads. About halfway there, she pulls off to the side of the road and puts on her flashers, and I think her car is acting up again. I pull off behind her, put on my flashers, get out, and ask what is wrong with her car. She says nothing and hugs me again, squeezing, and she starts crying. I let her go for a minute and tell her it's ok, what is wrong? She says that she is lonely and sick and has no one to take care of her. She hates the thought of me driving home alone and staying in the house alone. WTH, she is the one that decided to leave! I tell her she is welcome to come home at anytime and that I am there to take care of her when she is sick. She doesn't really acknowledge that. After a minute or so, she says we should probably get going before a cop pulls over to see if everything is ok. So, we part and we both say I love you. I have about another half mile to go before she turns off. She calls my phone as she is turning and asks if I saw the deer on the side of the road and to be careful on my way home to watch for deer. We say by and another I love you. I turn my radio on and there is a song on that we had laughed at so I text her to tune to it. She smiled back and then another song we know came on after that and she text me the lyrics. I replied "You are still sitting in your car?" (It's a warm night.) She said "Yeah, I am trying to dry my tears." She didn't want anyone in the house to know she was upset I guess, I feel at this point she is hiding it from her dad. We text our goodnights and that is that.

Yesterday morning, I wake up at 9:00, text her "Have a good day at work, I hope you are feeling better." She texts me back and says "Thanks ". About an hour later she texts me this "Hey, I had a rough morning and so I went into work and told them Grandpa had a heart attack and is in the hospital. So just in case you call work. I had a breakdown this morning, a bad one." I asked if she was ok and needed to talk and she said "I'm throwing up and 
everything." I asked what is wrong and she said "Just emotionally a wreck." I replied back a couple more times trying to get her to say she was ok. nothing. 30 minutes later, the doorbell rings. Yep, its her! She walks in, long hug, no words. We break free and I ask if she wants something to drink. She says yes, so I get her a glass of ice water. Then ask if she wants coffee and she said yes that she was hungry. She didn't want anything breakfast so we put a frozen 
pizza in. Then she starts messing with her bra, talking about how its too small now, etc. Then jokingly asks "Do you want to touch them?" Ha! Well, the last time had been June 11th since we had been "together" before her brother's wedding, I was showering and she initiated it. So, we start messing around and she asks if I am horny and of course I am, she said she was, and then she says "We are really horny, lets do it but not tell ANYONE!" Seriously, who am I going to tell? Her dad? My guess is that is who she is afraid is going to know about it. So, we start in the kitchen and finish in the bedroom. Afterwards, we are back in the kitchen and she says "You know this doesn't mean anything, we were both horny." I said, it still means something to me because I still love you. She then starts to talk about the divorce papers and maybe we just start all over again. Thing is, she has no responsibilites, I am the one left with the house and all the bills. She is the one that left. She has shown interest in helping me with bills as she can but actions speak louder than words. She got her first partial check today and asked how much I needed and I just said as much as she could help with. She then told me I should just cancel her phone line since she has been using an old line her dad gave her. I told her it was only 9/mth for her line and would cost me more to cancel it. That I should 
take her off my insurance as that would be less coming out of my check, etc. That hurts to hear. That is one of the ways I took care of her. All our medical bills have been her issues. I have never once had to use it. She is just seeming so final. What I just don't get is what seems to be this whole general upswing in her attitude since I have been back from Florida, and then, boom, it hits the bottom again. I asked her what the breakdown was and she said she 
"is lonely, depressed, and confused" I told her I get the lonely, as I have been that since she left, the depression I get, because I have lost a relationship with my wife. I asked her why SHE is depressed and confused. She finally said, she is depressed because she has no money and she is "confused as to why she doesn't "love" me anymore." Uh....you are not sure you don't love me? I have read some recent stuff of when a wayward comes out of an affair 
that they suffer some confusion and depression. Is that what this is? I guess my main question is:

WHAT IS SHE THINKING RIGHT NOW AND WHY IS SHE DOING THESE THINGS TO ME???


Thanks!


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

Dang those are some pretty confusing signals. Have you served the papers and provided proof of service to the court? If so has she filed a response to the D papers? She only has 30 days after you file to respond if she doesnt file a response then it is a default and you will get what you asked for. 

I dont know when your first court date is but here it is over 6 months before the first court appearance. You have until then to decide what to do. 

If she said she wanted to work things out would you be able to trust her and let her come home? Are you sure the OM is out of the picture? If he is and you want her back you may want to court her, send some flowers and tell her how you feel. 

The first thing to try to find out is the Om really gone, or is this a competition thing between you and him.

The next thing is to decide is weather you can trust her again but you need to decide if you want reconcillation or divorce.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Well, it could be that she needs to be screened for some mental health issues, or she could just be stringing you along. 

She hasn't made any firm commitments with you and pulls you back and forth like a yo yo - but then again, you are allowing that.

Do you think it's time to set some firm boundaries?


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I agree with HappyHer,

She is jerking you around....big time!

Now get a backbone and put a stop to it! Once she learns you are not allowing her to play with your life she might begin to respect you. And basically right now she has zero respect for your feelings, only hers.


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