# Where were you 1 year past D-Day?



## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

Today is one year past D-Day. Last year on Super Bowl Sunday (I never was a football fan but now I never will be!!) was the day I found out my husband of 10 years was cheating on me. Today I am still trying to cope with all that has happened. Because it's been such a struggle part of me just wants to catch him cheating again so I can get finally make some kind of progress, which in that case would be towards divorce. I guess I'm not the blind leap of faith kind of girl. I know that sounds terrible but I'd rather be sure about the direction my life will take than waste time in limbo, which is what I've been doing for the past year. So I guess my answer to my question is in limbo...

Where were you 1 year past D-Day?


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

112on said:


> Today is one year past D-Day. Last year on Super Bowl Sunday (I never was a football fan but now I never will be!!) was the day I found out my husband of 10 years was cheating on me. Today I am still trying to cope with all that has happened. Because it's been such a struggle part of me just wants to catch him cheating again so I can get finally make some kind of progress, which in that case would be towards divorce. I guess I'm not the blind leap of faith kind of girl. I know that sounds terrible but I'd rather be sure about the direction my life will take than waste time in limbo, which is what I've been doing for the past year. So I guess my answer to my question is in limbo...
> 
> Where were you 1 year past D-Day?


Sad to read this stuff tbh. Are you seeing MC? A friend says the same thing, he talked to the AP after exposure etc but she just rug swept it and still there saying the same thing.

It won't change, you'll find some other reason to keep him


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

We were in counseling for about 2 months but stopped with the clinic underwent some changes. I was in IC for about the same period of time and plan to go back. It's quite pricey but I feel so screwed up I may have to suck it up!

Believe me tom72...I'm NOT looking for a reason to "keep him". I just don't want to end the marriage without trying to save it. Basically, if it ends I'd like to know I did all I could. It's just extremely difficult to try as each day is a struggle. Some days I can't even look at him let alone touch him.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

112on said:


> Today is one year past D-Day. Last year on Super Bowl Sunday (I never was a football fan but now I never will be!!) was the day I found out my husband of 10 years was cheating on me. Today I am still trying to cope with all that has happened. Because it's been such a struggle part of me just wants to catch him cheating again so I can get finally make some kind of progress, which in that case would be towards divorce. I guess I'm not the blind leap of faith kind of girl. I know that sounds terrible but I'd rather be sure about the direction my life will take than waste time in limbo, which is what I've been doing for the past year. So I guess my answer to my question is in limbo...
> 
> Where were you 1 year past D-Day?


I'm now many years past D-Day, divorced from my previous wife, and happily remarried.

But on D-Day... I was very much a wreck. I'd turned to alcohol and other vices to deal with my problem. In hindsight, I think it's because I had a weak support network outside of the marriage. You need a strong support network.


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

112on said:


> We were in counseling for about 2 months but stopped with the clinic underwent some changes. I was in IC for about the same period of time and plan to go back. It's quite pricey but I feel so screwed up I may have to suck it up!
> 
> Believe me tom72...I'm NOT looking for a reason to "keep him". I just don't want to end the marriage without trying to save it. Basically, if it ends I'd like to know I did all I could. It's just extremely difficult to try as each day is a struggle. Some days I can't even look at him let alone touch him.


Has he mended his ways? If so, then can you forgive him? Forgiveness can be a difficult process but necessary to improve the marriage.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Machjo said:


> Has he mended his ways? If so, then can you forgive him? Forgiveness can be a difficult process but necessary to improve the marriage.


Not my husband.

I'm not sure why she rug sweeps it, his very manipulative. Words & actions don't match each other.

She see's the good in him (which I can't see) and hopes for a happy family. I can see where she's coming from, but there's been no consequences towards him and keeps getting away with it. She's trying to save her family but going about it the wrong way.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

112on said:


> We were in counseling for about 2 months but stopped with the clinic underwent some changes. I was in IC for about the same period of time and plan to go back. It's quite pricey but I feel so screwed up I may have to suck it up!
> 
> Believe me tom72...I'm NOT looking for a reason to "keep him". I just don't want to end the marriage without trying to save it. Basically, if it ends I'd like to know I did all I could. It's just extremely difficult to try as each day is a struggle. Some days I can't even look at him let alone touch him.


It's like talking to my friend, the same words come out of her mouth. Very sad to see "partners" cheat, just so much destruction on every level. Worst thing you could go through IMO (apart from a child death)

Has he tried to go back to counselling? Is pricey, but that's part of the cost of infidelity. You should be spending the time enjoying it with your husband, not a temporary happiness to smooth things over. He should be doing whatever he can to make you not feel like this IMO

My friend just does her day chores (kids, work etc) and says she goes into auto pilot and ignores the husband. No way to live imo, she'll be stuck for years instead of being happy in a year


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

tom, I guess me and your friend are one in the same. I just act "normal" around the kids (we have 2 kids, 6 & 8) and talk to my H about blah stuff, nothing of much substance. It IS no way to live and I think I'm stuck partly b/c I never got any major gestures, words or actions, to let me know he was truly sorry for what he did. According to him the affair is over (ended in April) bu he still works with his AP so that does not help. Maybe I'm a tough customer, but I got maybe 3 verbal apologies, more advances for sex than a simple hug, and a very expensive handbag. Basically, he's done all he's going to do so this version of him is what I get until I actually make some effort. Does that make sense? If I keep on keeping on how I am, then he will just go along with it I believe. 

I know it's difficult to put yourself out there when you feel like it's a one-sided effort, but I feel like he needs to do that but that logic falls on deaf ears.

Anyway...I'm just paranoid all the time and feel like if he wants to be with me then he needs to show me...I have a reason to be a robot but what reason does he have?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Are you guys financially tight? Is that why he can't leave his job? Has he offered transparency? Gotten into individual counseling to figure out his sh!t? Has he stopped blaming you? Told you the whole truth? What is he doing to make up for his actions and show that he's owned up to it?

If the answer is no, nothing, or the bare minimum to any/all of these, I think you have your answer. It sounds like you're going at this alone while he's just along for the ride. The fact that he still works with her is already a big flag, and as a major emphasis on here, actions speak louder than words. You've even made another thread regarding a burner phone; is your gut telling you something? Because if it is, listen to it. If they want to cheat, they'll find a way to cheat. No amount of monitoring, having the passcodes, or check-ins on their location will change that. Heck, he's already proven he can hide behind his many email accounts and is now privy to the VAR. 

I hope you're taking the time right now to focus on yourself and your children. You and them deserve better than this.

I've seen many people still in limbo 1 year out. It's a rather sad place to be.


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

We are financially stable but he has a high level security clearance and says he cannot leave his job due to timing, background checks, whatever. He never offered transparency and only recently even let the kids play games on his phone, hence my burner phone inquiry. 

My gut is all in knots and I just feel like if he is behave as if he’s in limbo then for some reason he does not really want this to work, whether it be a continued affair or he realizes I’m not the wife for him, etc. and he’s just too chicken s*** to call it quits. For example, last week he asked me why I have not made any progress in our reconciliation (which is more of a “we’re kind of friends” thing) and stared that he thinks I’m afraid to divorce him b/c I’d have to leave my job (I work over an hour away and get home around 7:15 in the evenings). This remark strikes me as odd thrbmore I think about it - maybe divorce IS on his mind.

He will never go to IC and it was a struggle to get him to agree to MC. When we get into an argument he brings up old crap and irrelevant things and basically says I’m never home and need to pick up the slack around the home, as if I’m out running the streets instead of working. Plus we have a cleaning service so either one of us are scrubbing & mopping do to speak. 

Has he told me the whole truth? Who knows...

I get what I put out...if I didn’t talk to him for a day then we would not speak. Problem is he doesn’t understand I’m not in a place mentally to put out much.


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## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

112on said:


> We are financially stable but he has a high level security clearance and says he cannot leave his job due to timing, background checks, whatever. He never offered transparency and only recently even let the kids play games on his phone, hence my burner phone inquiry.
> 
> My gut is all in knots and I just feel like if he is behave as if he’s in limbo then for some reason he does not really want this to work, whether it be a continued affair or he realizes I’m not the wife for him, etc. and he’s just too chicken s*** to call it quits. For example, last week he asked me why I have not made any progress in our reconciliation (which is more of a “we’re kind of friends” thing) and stared that he thinks I’m afraid to divorce him b/c I’d have to leave my job (I work over an hour away and get home around 7:15 in the evenings). This remark strikes me as odd thrbmore I think about it - maybe divorce IS on his mind.
> 
> ...


Yup just like my friend, it's so depressing

It's no way to live your life, he sees you as a doormat and gets away with everything. As messed up as it is, why would he change?

He gets away with it, acts like a little kid. Depressing that people keep on doing things they shouldn't because they get away with it. No self control and blame everybody else except themselves.

I've lost all respect for my friend as what she is doing is beyond messed up.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He wants you to do some heavy lifting because, in his mind, you are equally responsible for the affair, so you have to help repair the damage. He needs to understand that the affair is all on him, he is solely responsible for the affair and the damage done to the marriage by the affair, and he is the one who needs to do the heavy lifting.


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## fotf17 (Sep 25, 2017)

I'm coming up on 1 year on discovery of my wife's EA - not quite there yet, but I'm getting into what I've been referring to in my head as "the season of anniversaries." A list of dates in my head and what I discovered happened on those dates. E.g., the day she first googled the AP, googlemapped his address, twitter account, a search for "free texting app," search for song he sent her, search for lyrics to other songs, first text exchange, first call, longest call, etc. etc. etc.

She probably doesn't ascribe anything significant to these dates, because the EA developed fluidly and wasn't full of the benchmarks I ascribe to it, but the numbers rattle around in my head. 2/12, 2/14, 2/26, 2/8, 3/1, 3/7 etc. etc. etc. 

I've got three months of this **** before DDay hits, then it's a few months of our rebuilding phase, which was a roller coaster. Not going to be fun... lol.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

112on said:


> We are financially stable but he has a high level security clearance and says he cannot leave his job due to timing, background checks, whatever. He never offered transparency and only recently even let the kids play games on his phone, hence my burner phone inquiry.
> 
> My gut is all in knots and I just feel like if he is behave as if he’s in limbo then for some reason he does not really want this to work, whether it be a continued affair or he realizes I’m not the wife for him, etc. and he’s just too chicken s*** to call it quits. For example, last week he asked me why I have not made any progress in our reconciliation (which is more of a “we’re kind of friends” thing) and stared that he thinks I’m afraid to divorce him b/c I’d have to leave my job (I work over an hour away and get home around 7:15 in the evenings). This remark strikes me as odd thrbmore I think about it - maybe divorce IS on his mind.
> 
> ...


huh...

has he been exposed to his job? you say he has a high level security clearance... well, if he wants to lose it, all that needs happen is that the next time he fills out his SF86 and talks to the investigator, then he can leave out the part where he cheated on his wife and let them find out from someone else. and also let them find out that he doesn't want his job(or anyone in particular) to find out. basically, as long as he is trying to hide the fact that he has cheated on you, he is susceptible to coercion from any party that finds out. i have seen people cheat on their spouse and keep their security clearance, but they blew the doors wide open on their affair themselves. their careers took a minor setback, but they were willing to accept the consequences of their behavior. 

is your husband willing to accept the consequences of his behavior? if not, then he is putting himself at far more risk than he realizes. 

and you really shouldn't put up with it. you don't have to.


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

No exposure on the job officially but I’m sure co-workers know or at least suspected; hard to hide leaving for regular flings in your cars ....

He’s told me his clearance won’t be in jeopardy because he hasn’t lied about anything and they don’t care about affairs. I guess he’d be honest if it came up.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Why are you hoping for him to cheat again so you can leave him? If you don't think the marriage is going in the direction you want then just end it. Reconciliation isn't a guarantee that you'll work things out and stay together...it's simply an agreement to try to improve and you get to decide later if you want to stay together.


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## 112on (Mar 14, 2017)

I’m not actually hoping he will cheat, I’m just tired of being in limbo and if that is the case then at least I’ll be out of limbo and focused on divorce. 

I appreciate the reminder of what reconciliation means...not that we will end up together, but that we are trying to and will see if each of our improvements/ marriage 2.0 is what each other needs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The old marriage is gone. It takes years to try to build a new marriage (sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't). You never trust as completely as you did before you discovered your spouse cheated -- and you shouldn't. 

If you're waiting for the other shoe to drop, it can often take a very long time (decades in my case before I had proof of DD2). I don't regret getting divorced. I regret waiting so long.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

He's still working with the OW *and* does not offer you transparency.

The affair is ongoing.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

112on,

What exposure of the OW did you do?

At the very least the OWs H or SO, her parents, grandparents, siblings, adult children, facebook, linkedin, personnel, etc should be told. This will kill the affair dead, right now the fantasy of the affair is very much alive and their dreams of being together some day are cherished. 

Every time your H has any contact with the OW it renews the affair and prolongs your suffering. Your H believes he can continue to behave as he did during the affair with no changes in behavior or attitude.

Make your H write down a timeline for the affair and everything which happened, then take your H to a polygraph where the main question will be if he was truthful in his story or if there were omissions.

Tamat


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

It sounds like the real root problem here (for you, in terms of taking action, protecting yourself and your kids, establishing boundaries, etc) is that underlying fear of uncertainty. 

Most people are afraid of or otherwise averse to uncertainty/the unknown/change. I strongly believe that IC would/will help you overcome that fear and make healthy decisions. 

If you can’t get into IC right now, or want additional support, please look into CODA - Co-Dependents Anonymous - groups. Many people who are BSes and particularly those who have trouble demanding and enforcing boundaries / consequences / etc at least have codependent traits. 

Another thing I’d recommend, in conjunction with pursuing therapy and looking into CODA, is building up your confidence and creating the life you want via safe risk-taking. An example of this would be joining a volunteer group (check MeetUp, look into local trail maintenance clubs, your library, your kids’ schools) and volunteering. It pushes you out of your comfort zone; youre likely to be successful and increase your confidence, sense of self, etc., and you increase connection with your community. Another example would be taking up a hobby you’ve always been interested in and maybe taking a lesson or two, or if it’s something like hiking, joining a hiking club or going on an outing with LL Bean or, again, finding a hiking (or kayaking or swimming or cycling or running or knitting or art or cooking) Meetup group or club. 

(((Hugs))) This is a tough place to be. Be compassionate with yourself when you can. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

112on said:


> I'm stuck partly b/c I never got any major gestures, words or actions, to let me know he was truly sorry for what he did. According to him the affair is over (ended in April) bu he still works with his AP so that does not help. Maybe I'm a tough customer, but I got maybe 3 verbal apologies, more advances for sex than a simple hug, and a very expensive handbag.


If this guy had an LESS remorse, he'd be in a coma.



> Basically, he's done all he's going to do so this version of him is what I get until I actually make some effort. Does that make sense? If I keep on keeping on how I am, then he will just go along with it I believe.


No, it doesn't make sense. At all.

I'm gong to be honest here. If he actually gave a **** about you and your marriage, he'd be making a damned effort to try to do something. He's *not*. You're not his mother and it shouldn't be up to you to have to light a fire under his useless ass in order to try to get him to do something positive. If he doesn't have the desire or the ambition to fix this mess, then that should speak volumes to you - and none of it positive.

Why in the hell should *you* jump around like a trained seal trying to fix what your cheating remorseless husband had no problem destroying?

I have to be honest with you. The likelihood that his affair actually stopped is slim. Just because you're no longer finding 'proof' of his affair on his phone or on your cell phone bill or on his tablet or his computer or his iPad doesn't mean it's over. It simply means he and his side piece have found another method of communication that you're NOT monitoring and that you don't know about.

Primrose is 100% correct. He's still very much involved with his OW.

I understand your need to feel like you've done all you can, but how does one DO that with someone whose pretty much emotionally disengaged from you and very very likely still in his affair? How much more of your time and life are you willing to waste on him before you realize you HAVE done all you can?


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## Reluctant_Doubter (Apr 11, 2013)

fotf17 said:


> I'm coming up on 1 year on discovery of my wife's EA - not quite there yet, but I'm getting into what I've been referring to in my head as "the season of anniversaries." A list of dates in my head and what I discovered happened on those dates. E.g., the day she first googled the AP, googlemapped his address, twitter account, a search for "free texting app," search for song he sent her, search for lyrics to other songs, first text exchange, first call, longest call, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> She probably doesn't ascribe anything significant to these dates, because the EA developed fluidly and wasn't full of the benchmarks I ascribe to it, but the numbers rattle around in my head. 2/12, 2/14, 2/26, 2/8, 3/1, 3/7 etc. etc. etc.
> 
> I've got three months of this **** before DDay hits, then it's a few months of our rebuilding phase, which was a roller coaster. Not going to be fun... lol.


I have exactly the same experience, and I am now 5 years down the track and 25 years into the marriage. Certain dates remain triggers for me. I'm getting better at managing them - but triggers nonetheless.

To answer the OP's question - 1 year out I was very much still in limbo. It is sad to say - and your experience may be different - but in my case the rollercoster continued for over 4 years. It took 4 years of work, mutual change and learning, trauma, fighting, frustration, depression, confusion, hurt and pain, and counselling (together and individually) before I finally believed my wife had turned a corner and accepted responsibility for her actions.

5 years out and the healing continues slowly. The pain will never go away completely but marriage, as measured by what is happening now rather than what happened in the past, is on track. I think my wife would like that to mean that all the past is not only forgiven, but also forgotten. Unfortunatetly you can't erase things from your mind.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

One year.

I quit my job after a month and moved us 400 miles away. I trashed all our furniture.

My wife kept lying. She’s that way. But she kept begging me to forgive her. And she did everything in her power, given her mental illness diagnosed later, to prove it.

Before I got that diagnosis I emotionally abused her to try to get the truth. She treated me right, but kept lying.

I sold our rings for scrap. I gave her clothes to charity. I burned our wedding pictures one by one, then the negatives, on our anniversary. 

That was 11 months and 3 weeks after she had her affair. 

Then I really got mean.

I was too cruel.

But you are too forgiving. Why do you let him treat you like some maid? Don’t accept being in limbo. You don’t need his permission to throw him away. 

I kept my wife because she is mentally ill and she really does try to the very best of her abilities every moment of every day to prove to me she loves me.

Your husband thinks you’re just some convenience he might use occasionally.

That’s my sad opinion anyway.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

This month is the 10 year "Anniversary" of my D-day with wife #1. This summer will be the 5 year D-day mark with wife #2. In both cases, we were divorced within one year of the D-day. I couldn't get past the betrayal in either case and was constantly trying to catch them again. There was absolutely zero trust anymore. Both divorces were very liberating for me. I could live normally again without having to worry about being cheated on again. About 1 1/2 years ago, wife #2 and I actually began talking again. We actually considered getting back together. Then I remembered how I felt with her betrayal and I backed out on continuing a relationship with her. I still miss her, but feel much better about myself and don't have to live with the constant worrying. I've been seeing a very nice woman for about a year now, but not rushing into anything.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, I did not have a D-day in the sense I discovered an affair. I suspect that one was taking place, but she pulled the plug on our marriage before I even sensed it. Afterwards I discovered the missing money, the dozens of not hundreds of texts to a strange number at all hours of the day and night. When I confronted her she claimed it was a female co-workers phone. At this point the dissolution had been filed and I was just barely holding on to any reality so I never bothered to keep looking.
However, reading your posts I don't really think you need for him to cheat again. He has shown little to no remorse, he has not made any effort at transparency. You are living in a constant state of anxiety and angst over it. There is no sex, there is no connection, you do not trust him. 
You gave it a year. You HAVE done everything you could do. You should not feel the least bit guilty divorcing him.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

We were separated and I was finally figuring out that I had to walk away and get on with my life.

We eventually reconciled after 2 years and have been married 10 since then, 30 all together. Sadly, my go to password to this day is the date I discovered the other woman. I don't ever want to forget the lessons learned and I never want to forget how hard I have worked. If I were to find out now that he is cheating, I would walk away and feel good about it.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

i am 3 years out. At year one for me I was worse off than I was when I found out. 

He was not 100% remorseful. He was still incredibly selfish, so at one year out there was NO progress for me. Like you at year one I was in limbo. 

I ended up going through IC, And kicking him out (to a shed)...didn't last long because it was winter. 

To be honest there was a lot that happened in the second year. I officially came out of limbo in about that time. 

He needed to do a lot, but i needed some soul searching too. Never forget to work on yourself and how to change how you think about the whole situation. 

Im not afraid of him cheating again... That does not mean he wont, just means that it does not scare me so much. The marriage will be over and that is that... 

They say you got to be willing to lose the marriage to save it. I dont know about saving it, but saving myself was the bi product of being willing to leave the marriage. 

I am still married. I think HE loves me more than he ever has, but me... I am still saving myself.
If need arises, Im done. Im not co dependent anymore. 

It is a state of mind that us the BS need to get to in our healing. i got where i am about a year ago...give or take.


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