# It's been a year since finding out....



## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Supposed EA.......Wife seems to be working at our marriage at times as do I. Will I ever get to a point where I feel good about us day in and day out. I do now at times, but sometimes, I feel like an *idiot*. Today is a bad day. Small things get my mind clicking. Timelines, certain days, etc.... It's been a year! I've got 2 kids and man I love them to death! I'm in it to stay. What can I do to make this go away? Ultimately, I still feel that there are some things she's not been honest about. What do you do when you don't trust your spouse?


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

Dude...your story is exactly the same as mine. Will be one year on march 16 since d day of finding out about EA. I feel the same way. How will I ever trust that this guy is out of her life forever....so many lies about the past. we are still in MC and making slow progress....the problem is that why is it that they make this out to be our issue?? That we are the ones that have the issue because we cannot trust nor find it realistic that they have cut the other peson out of their life. I don't really have any answers for you duckman...just be assured that you are not in it orthe only one that is having the issues about how you feel. Best to you as your sort out your marriage.


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

I guess for me, I've got to look myself in the mirror each day and KNOW that I'm doing the right thing. For everybody it's different, but to me, what makes it right is 2 little girls down the hall on the left. It sucks some days! I refuse to be a fool, but if I leave it affects more than just me. To hurt my little girls would be the most foolish thing that I could do right now. So I'm just 'dealin' with each day as it comes.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

duckman said:


> Supposed EA.......Wife seems to be working at our marriage at times as do I. Will I ever get to a point where I feel good about us day in and day out. I do now at times, but sometimes, I feel like an *idiot*. Today is a bad day. Small things get my mind clicking. Timelines, certain days, etc.... It's been a year! I've got 2 kids and man I love them to death! I'm in it to stay. What can I do to make this go away? Ultimately, I still feel that there are some things she's not been honest about. What do you do when you don't trust your spouse?


I've looked over some of your posts, duckman, and I have a few thoughts. 

First I'm a little unclear. From what I've seen, your wife had an EA and has admitted to it (claiming they were "just friends" at first), and then I don't see where she's really working at the marriage very much. Has she ended all contact with the other man? Has she taken the time to learn what kindles love in your and committed to doing those things for you? That part seems a little unclear-ish to me so just checking.... is she really trying or just sort of "there"?

Next, here's my guess. If you're really trying and you can tell she's really trying, it's conceivable that today is just a bad day because something triggered you or its the one-year anniversary...something like that. If that is the case, it's completely normal to just have a bad day on the occasion. I'd suggest letting her know you're having a bad day and asking for some reassurance and cuddle maybe. Next, I'd suggest doing some activities that keep you in the present...things that involve the senses. When you touch something that is very smooth or silky or hot or cold, it keeps you HERE and NOW (and not "back there".) You can also use other senses like smell, sight, sound... Finally, today is March 3rd. Now you can chose to forever have this day marred by memories of one year ago and let the OM have this day--or you can CLAIM IT. Claim this day as YOURS and take it back. From this day forward, March 3rd is your second anniversary with your wife--your PRIVATE anniversary just for you and her--a reminder to take her on a getaway. From this day forward, March 3rd is DUCKMAN DAY. 

Okay? Make the choice to have it be yours and don't give this day or even another minute to something in the past that hurt you.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Duck - 
I hear you. I'm at over 18 months and things are good now, but I still feel I don't know everything. Or maybe that I'm pissed that the others he had affairs with know more than me? Maybe that's what pisses me off the most? 

But either way, it CAN'T just come down to your kids. I must come down to your happiness. At the same time, when you do have that moment of doubt or pain, please everytime run your emotions past the 'worst case' test: There are others on this planet who are even today starving to death, or watching their children starve to death. There are people out there experiencing incredible pain. The TEST for you?... Is your pain worse or equal? Or perhaps, do you have a 'bit of badness' in an otherwise pretty damn good life.


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

Affaircare said:


> I've looked over some of your posts, duckman, and I have a few thoughts.
> 
> First I'm a little unclear. From what I've seen, your wife had an EA and has admitted to it (claiming they were "just friends" at first), and then I don't see where she's really working at the marriage very much. Has she ended all contact with the other man? Has she taken the time to learn what kindles love in your and committed to doing those things for you? That part seems a little unclear-ish to me so just checking.... is she really trying or just sort of "there"?
> 
> ...



All good advice...and thanks. 

Just to clear a little up. After I found out about this guy she was in contact with, she apologized and was very, very remorseful. She was very tearful and emotional, because she did not know if I was leaving or staying. She stated that it was wrong but always would add "they were only friends". She agreed to end the calls. However, her job requires her to work with the public, and the OM frequents where she works out of necessity. She always stated that "It's not like that". After I found all this out, at first she seemed to care so much. Over time, I find our relationship sort of back in the same shape as before. She invests so much of her time and attention to our children. Our deal just slides to the back burner. Priorites seem to = KIDS - JOB - and what's left = FOR US. So to answer your question, sometimes, she does just seem to be "there".


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> Duck -
> I hear you. I'm at over 18 months and things are good now, but I still feel I don't know everything. Or maybe that I'm pissed that the others he had affairs with know more than me? Maybe that's what pisses me off the most?
> 
> But either way, it CAN'T just come down to your kids. I must come down to your happiness. At the same time, when you do have that moment of doubt or pain, please everytime run your emotions past the 'worst case' test: There are others on this planet who are even today starving to death, or watching their children starve to death. There are people out there experiencing incredible pain. The TEST for you?... Is your pain worse or equal? Or perhaps, do you have a 'bit of badness' in an otherwise pretty damn good life.


That's good advice as well. 

I don't want to come off as feeling sorry for myself. I guess I just utilize you guys as people with common experiences that I can have dialogue with. This is my 1st rodeo with this type of thing. I was always that guy that said, "if I ever catch my wife doing this or doing that, I'm gone." Well, it's sort of different when reality comes knocking. I appreciate all the advice.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I said the same thing to my wife. She said she would never tell me the truth because I always said. "Cheating is the only thing that can't be forgiven in marriage." When I found out, I did make her leave at first but quickly wanted her back home. You are exactly right about when reality comes knocking. I'm 7 months in and things have progressivly gotten better. Without the truth though it would have been impossible. Hang in there.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Duckman~

A couple things come to mind. The first, and probably most important, is that it sounds to me as if your marriage is not making progress...if anything you're spinning your wheels. In my opinion, the reason for that is that your wife sees and has to interact with the other man. There is a reason why I so very strong recommend No Contact (take a peek at this article "The Purpose of No Contact"), and in summary you are living the reason. Until there is NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER, your marriage can not progress. Every time your wife sees or interacts with the OM, she gets the zing of adrenalin from the affair and starts all over again at square one. So I hate to tell you but although it's died down in intensity, and maybe *she* isn't contacting him and resisting somewhat....she's just "there" because she's still getting some needs met by being at her job. 

I know this economy is horrible but for the good of your marriage and family I would strongly suggest that she quit her job and agree to NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN with this other man. That means never seeing him, never talking to him, never chatting or IM-ing...NO CONTACT. Yes it will pinch financially but if she was laid off you'd weather it together--weather this. If she can be transferred to another branch that would mean never seeing him, that would work--otherwise as long as they have contact and some interaction, there will be a connection and little or no progress will be made between you two. 

Next, I think you two need to commit to actually WORKING at this. By working, I first that she'll have to go through a period of withdrawal getting over the other man and never being able to contact him again. Once she's past that (like a couple weeks maybe) then you two can get to work--agree to really try to rekindle her love for you and she agrees to really try to rekindle your love for her. Right now it sounds like she's just ignoring it and you are going nuts! 

There are two steps to rebuilding love: one step is to ask her the things you've done that have hurt her--the Love Extinguishers. She may say "nothing" but then examine yourself. Have there been angry explosions? Are you a Faultfinder? Critical? It is vitally important that you discover what has been hurting her and commit to stopping those actions. Now ideally she would also look at herself and stop the actions that have been hurting you...but since you're here and she's not, I'll encourage you to start okay? 

Step two is to find out what kindles love for her. Think of love as a fire--there are actions you can do that extinguish the love like dumping water on the fire...and some actions you can do that kindle it and make it flame hotter. I would suggest asking if she'd be willing to take the Love Kindlers Questionnaire and then let her know that you'll learn to show her your love in a way that means "I love you" to her. Again ideally she would also want to learn what kindles your love...but since you're here and she's not, I'll encourage you to start okay?


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## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

This is all great advice. It sincerely is...Funny thing is, a couple of months ago, I bought what I think to be a great book(Fireproof - 40 days to a fireproof marriage)...It gives you specific steps to take to make sure that you identify what your doing wrong. About 15 days in, I thought, SHE should be the one doing this stuff. SHE should be the one going the extra mile, giving the extra effort. SHE should be the one reading this freakin book!!! I know it sounds selfish, but I've got to tell you, I have finally placed a timeline on our marriage. If it's not extremely better in 3 months, I'm out. I have reconciled the price that I will pay emotionally and I am prepared to deal with it. I can be lonely by myself.


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## fullcircle (Mar 8, 2010)

duckman said:


> This is all great advice. It sincerely is...Funny thing is, a couple of months ago, I bought what I think to be a great book(Fireproof - 40 days to a fireproof marriage)...It gives you specific steps to take to make sure that you identify what your doing wrong. About 15 days in, I thought, SHE should be the one doing this stuff. SHE should be the one going the extra mile, giving the extra effort. SHE should be the one reading this freakin book!!! I know it sounds selfish, but I've got to tell you, I have finally placed a timeline on our marriage. If it's not extremely better in 3 months, I'm out. I have reconciled the price that I will pay emotionally and I am prepared to deal with it. I can be lonely by myself.


Hi Duckman,
I want to discourage you from taking this approach at this point. I think it is admirable that you have come to terms with the emotional price that you could pay and that you are willing to pay that price if necessary. But right now this is not about you. This is about your kids. Even though your needs are important you must put them first in all of this. I'm not convinced that her giving up the job is the answer as the financial stress can be just as much of an extinguisher on your marriage. My personal thoughts are if you can rekindle things in your marriage as affaircare put it, then your wife will be fulfilled at home and be more prone to guard herself from jeopardizing that when she is out in the world so to speak. My wife trusted me implicitly and I betrayed her but that was because I was subconsciously seeking my own selfish desires that I did not find at home. That is not an excuse to cheat but it can't be denied that the only reason that people cheat is because they think the grass is greener on the other side and they are convinced that they either can't live without it or that they deserve it in someway. Your wife needs to see that she can live with out that because she gets more than enough of that at home. You def can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. She will drink your water my friend if you make it tasty enough for her, and your kids will not have to go through the traumatic experience of mum and dad (which is there rock and the onlything then can depend on right now) parting.
good luck and be strong.


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