# I HATE sex!



## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

My husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half (together for 3) so you'd think that excitement would still be there. It's not. He LOVES sex. He'd do it twice a day if he could. I could go without it for the rest of my life. He gets sex 1-2 times a week (excluding period week and another topic) not because I want to do it but because I can't stand living with him when he's deprived. He gets easily agitated (but never violent) and very emotional. He acts like I am the meanest wife ever, questions my love for him and talks about how he can't go on in a virtually sexless marriage. And that's if we go 4 or five days without it! During my period he STILL makes me feel guilty for not wanting sex even though I think it's gross. I am constantly made to feel guilty for not giving him the intimacy he "needs". He has never admitted to me outright that he thinks I'm cheating (I must be if I don't want sex 24/7 from him, right?:slap but he gets onto my computer, checks my search history, my facebook messages, on my phone, etc. I try hard to not make him feel like he's getting pity sex but I am not a good actor. I feel no pleasure in sex and am seeking counseling (on my accord) and medical advice (at his suggestion) to hopefully resolve this issue in me. However, I don't think the issue lies within me, or at least not within JUST me. He is so clingy, needy and needs constant affirmation. I think that all the guilt trips from back when I did enjoy sex but turned him down for one reason or another have made me not enjoy sex. Now I even DREAD sex and I think it's because of him constantly giving me guilt trips.

Am I nuts? Am I being unreasonable? 

I'm trying to meet his needs but I feel like he has no regard for my feelings. My excuses aren't that I'm too tired, or that I have a headache (despite the horrible tension headaches I've had lately dealing with this issue); it's that I don't feel like having sex. 

Please give me any advice you can offer, even if it's what you think I won't want to hear...please.

Derbygirl


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> He is so clingy, needy and needs constant affirmation


Turn off... no wonder you don't enjoy sex

Be straight up with him in my opinion, my wife is always straight up with me


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## Emerald3355 (Oct 3, 2012)

You two will have to work this out if the marriage has any hope of lasting. One thing that women need to fully understand is that men NEED sex to feel emotionally connected to their woman. But it isn't fair of him to expect it twice a day from you! Men need to understand that women NEED affection that doesn't always necessarily lead to a sexual encounter. It's all about compromise. My advice is to get to a counselor ASAP who can help you reach an agreeable solution. Honest communication and maturity from both sides is the only answer. A therapist will definitely help with this. If you don't want to end up in divorce court, the professional help will be worth whatever you spend on it. Good luck. Sounds as if you both are feeling hurt and resentful. That's like a cancer that will just keep getting worse if left unresolved.


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

I do understand that men need affection and that's why I'm trying so damn hard to change. The problem I have I guess is that he doesn't acknowledge that 1) I'm trying to change, and 2) my feelings should be as important to him as his are to me. We are going to try counseling but he doesn't believe it will help. That means that it probably won't.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wait wat?... so when my wife expects it 3x daily from me it's fair and that I'm an unappreciative a$$hole? Sorry... but that comment struck me...

But I agree with everything else, and yes men need the emotional connection as well

@Derbygirl

Have you confronted him with this?


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

Oh yes. It always turns into a fight with me apologizing for my feelings and spending the rest of the day on the verge of tears. I have four kids all 10 and under and they see me cry so much. It's got to be killing them.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/
I might offend some men by saying this but... he really has to harden the fk up

My wife and I have always been brutally honest with not just the sex but the game/romance/tease, she DRILLS IT into me whenever I turn her off, to her, it's the same as hurting her or leading her on/leaving her hanging

Despite our issues, our sex life is generally good; its a little too often for my tastes and we're in MC atm.

The truth is I appreciate the fact she makes it easy for me to learn all her buttons. I'd rather that then someone who fakes orgasms or some crap. Brutal honesty and transparency when it comes to sex, but that's just us...


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I feel like your thread is a perfect example of why this (common) problem is really just one viscous cycle where everybody loses and nobody feels fulfilled


Because from what you wrote, no, I don't think you're in the wrong:

*Needy, Clingy, Pouty behavior= SEXUAL REPULSIVE TO WOMEN*

( oh...and the same goes for men too...thats why some of these wives that agressively pursue their husbands get rejected as well)

In order for something to be an "object of desire"...it needs to feel _at least a little bit _elusive

(this should be attraction 101...yet so many people have a hard time getting this)


So anyway, I get why you can't "fake" intense lust and desire for him, when his behavior kills those very feelings within you

The problem is, if you never act extremely amorous and into him...then even if you're having sex multiple times a week...he's never gonna feel satisfied,and reassured that you love him...because your enjoyment and desire to sleep with him...is the biggest piece of his sexual fulfillment puzzle 

And that's why it's the never-ending, everybody loses circle

To Change? Hmm...

He needs to change...(or be educated)...he needs to read MMSL or NMMNG or any other of a number of books that help men read to relearn their "gender role" and its proper behavior (i.e. _Being a Man_)

As for you....well, here's the thing...women hold the keys to their own sexual arousal far more than men do

So while waiting for him to make major changes in his behavior (which really is a must)...you can try to focus on all the things you do love about him (you did marry him for a reason right?)...

basically psych yourself up about him...and then when it's time for intimacy...if you can_ get into it_ coming from *a place "of love"*...enjoying it from a place of love...he'll probably be far more satisfied (and so will you)

(kinda like calling on your _higher-self/better-nature_ to make you be the bigger person...and again, provided you actually do on some level love your husband...it is doable...whether you allow yourself to do it is another story)

Good Luck!!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sex can never be successful without communication

Sure the first bang my wife and I had after over a year of complete sexual tension was intense and mindblowing - to the point I fell so hard in love with her (again). But to keep it up, honest communication is everything. Guess that's something my wife and I do right, though half the time in the past she gets lazy really.


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## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

You both has to talk about it..Leisurely. @ derbygirl.. Were you had any bad experiences in the past?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

derbygirl said:


> My husband and I have only been married for about a year and a half .... He LOVES sex. He'd do it twice a day if he could. I could go without it for the rest of my life. He gets sex 1-2 times a week (excluding period week and another topic) not because I want to do it but because I can't stand living with him when he's deprived. He gets easily agitated (but never violent) and very emotional. He acts like I am the meanest wife ever, questions my love for him and talks about how he can't go on in a virtually sexless marriage. And that's if we go 4 or five days without it! During my period he STILL makes me feel guilty for not wanting sex even though I think it's gross. I am constantly made to feel guilty for not giving him the intimacy he "needs". He has never admitted to me outright that he thinks I'm cheating (I must be if I don't want sex 24/7 from him, right?:slap but he gets onto my computer, checks my search history, my facebook messages, on my phone, etc. I try hard to not make him feel like he's getting pity sex but I am not a good actor. I feel no pleasure in sex and am seeking counseling (on my accord) and medical advice (at his suggestion) to hopefully resolve this issue in me. However, I don't think the issue lies within me, or at least not within JUST me. He is so clingy, needy and needs constant affirmation. I think that all the guilt trips from back when I did enjoy sex but turned him down for one reason or another have made me not enjoy sex. Now I even DREAD sex and I think it's because of him constantly giving me guilt trips.
> 
> Am I nuts? Am I being unreasonable?


Yes, I think you are nuts and unreasonable. It may not be your own doing butmarriage is asexual relationship. It sounds to me also like bait and switch, as you previously "enjyed sex" and now don't. 

A large percentage of men receive sex as their love language. This is a deep seeded emotional need. Turning a man like this down repeatedly will result in nothing but resentment. You both need to work this out or resign yourself to misery and or divorce


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

why are you with him if you don't like sex with him? That is what man and wife are supposed to do. I know I wouldn't stick around in that situation if I was him. Unless it was a medical condition or something like that.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> I could go without it for the rest of my life.
> 
> I feel no pleasure in sex and am seeking counseling (on my accord) and medical advice (at his suggestion) to hopefully resolve this issue in me.


Do you think you are an asexual person?  

Such a person would want nothing to do with intercourse. Intimacy is generally limited to hugging/kissing.

If you were single would you want to have sex with someone else?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Avatar - Hot Na'vi Sex - YouTube


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

When my kids were little, my husband had to fight a bit to get sex. Usually, I was fine once we were started, but felt no interest in the lead up. Back then, we had to schedule sex to make sure he was getting it.
This was more than 12 years ago & he recently asked me why I did not want sex back then. The only answer I could come up with was that it was just another demand on me, I had little time when there was not someone climbing all over my body, I wanted space around me more than anything else.
I will say that this became a huge issue in our marriage & we were separated for over a year. That was what lead me to realise what I had lost. 
You need to understand that your husband desires you to want him physically & affirm him both verbally & by your actions. Now, you may say that he does not meet your needs, so why should you meet his? I say, who is going to be the bigger person & step up to the plate first? If you make changes, if you are willing to talk to your husband & listen to him without justifying your actions, you may be able to save your marriage.


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## justbidingtime (Sep 25, 2012)

Does no one read closely?????? The most important thing said is Derbygirl has *4 kids under 10*!!!!! 

I thought I was reading about a couple in their early 20's with no experience or sexual knowledge. This is at least her second marriage (if married the first time), and he has taken on the role of step dad to probably at least 3 of them.

She should have known better her feelings about sex (and so should have he).

Add to that all the other things that must be going on under the roof, I frankly understand why derbygirl may not want sex right now in this stage of their lives.

And 15 posts in not one question as to what sex is like when they have it (i.e. does he know what he is doing and is he ggg in bed?) or whether she ever liked t or whether this is the lassic bait and switch......


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds as though your H had unreasonable expectations about marriage. i.e. that marriage would provide him with a cookie jar he can open any time and help himself. But how did he get these expectations? It could be that during your courtship you were willing to put out on a regular basis, and after you married you focused more on getting your needs met. He might feel vulnerable, as if his sexuality was used to snag him into a relationship. Are those kids all his? From a guy's point of view, he is looking at your past sexual relationship/s that produced all those kids. Fertility is intimidating!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

justbidingtime said:


> Does no one read closely?????? The most important thing said is Derbygirl has *4 kids under 10*!!!!!
> 
> I thought I was reading about a couple in their early 20's with no experience or sexual knowledge. This is at least her second marriage (if married the first time), and he has taken on the role of step dad to probably at least 3 of them.
> 
> ...


Sorry, But she entered into marriage with this man and with that comes an expectation of an adequte sex life. These are, from what I read, not the husbands children, I stand by my previous post.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

The less the have sex the more he will aCt that way. The more he acts that way the less sex you will have with him. You're in a bad cycle and its not about you or him....its the whole relationship. You're the one seeking out help it seems....so you're prob the best one in the relationship right now to change that cycle. If you guys can get on the same page, even better. Remember why you married him, think about how you guys first met....and then try sex with those fresh thoughts in your mind. You have a lot to loose, so at some point you have to make a choice here. Thinking about working on your marriage is one thing....making concrete changes to break the cycle you guys are in is another.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Sorry, But she entered into marriage with this man and with that comes an expectation of an adequte sex life. These are, from what I read, not the husbands children, I stand by my previous post.


It sounds a little cold...but I sorta agree.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

Ok, for all of you who posted your opinion, thank you. But I do have to say many of you (not all) have not ready my post(s) clearly. No they are not his kids. We've been together for 3 years and my kids are 10 and under. I do not use them as an excuse to not want sex because they are not the reason. I'm not too tired or have a headache, I just don't want it. When we got together, I loved sex so yes, he is good in bed and I once loved sex. It is not a bait and switch as I am TRYING to resolve these issues because I UNDERSTAND he needs the affection/sex. What keeps me from wanting sex is that he does not take into consideration ever that I am either not in the mood (and he doesn't do a lot to get me in the mood) or he has given me so much guilt about sex that I have come to dread it. 

My point is, I'm taking all the necessary steps (seeing my doctor, seeing a psychiatrist and doing what I can to keep him happy), but he makes no changes and only continues to place guilt on me when I turn him down. This isn't bait and switch, this is REAL issues. If I were withholding sex as my trump card, then why would I be going through all of these things to try to help me. I've read books (not necessarily the ones mentioned). I desperately want to get back to that point where I loved sex, but it's just not happening and I think it's because I resent his lack of trying on his end. In his mind I guess, he his sexually healthy and doesn't need to change.

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I'm getting tired of crying.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am glad you are trying to get help and I wish you all the best. But, you are expecting changes from him and you haven't solved the problem. Do you ever offer him an alternative to intercourse to show him your concern for his needs? You don't have to be iin the mood for oral sex or manual release. Simply being there for him instead of saying no will go a long way.


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

No because he always makes it weird. He wants me to talk dirty to him and that makes me uncomfortable. He's always known this about me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DONG! DONG! DONG!

Hear that? That is the death knell of your marriage sounding

Your husband is a high drive person and you sound like a no drive person. 

Marriage counseling and possibly sex therapy may be in order here.

Good luck!


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

Again, I am in therapy and marriage counseling. 

I haven't been a no drive person until now (the past year or so).


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

derbygirl said:


> Again, I am in therapy and marriage counseling.
> 
> I haven't been a no drive person until now (the past year or so).


Is he in marriage counseling with you?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you should schedule sex. Every five days. 

Tell him the rules. That you will be there for him every five days. Either of you can initiate sooner. But if it doesn't happen, then respect your spouses decision to not want to be intimate. 

I think that if he knows that he won't be rejected on the fifth day, he will handle other rejection better.

It is up to both of you to make the scheduled day special. Send some flirty text messages, wear some lingerie, candles, whatever floats your boat. Sometimes make the date a 'date night', starting with going out for supper or a movie.

Do your best to show him he is desired and loved! BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT HER REALLY WANTS! 

He never gets satisfied if the only sex he gets is what follows after a few days of rejection. He will feel that he is only getting pity sex. That you don't desire him. That you aren't there because you love him. That you are only there because you have to be. I know you might be feeling that way, but hopefully, if you both know the day is coming, you both put an effort into making it special.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> No because he always makes it weird. He wants me to talk dirty to him and that makes me uncomfortable. He's always known this about me.


H is the same way - wants/needs a big monlouge of a sexual fantasy created by me & involving me the entire time or he won't get off. I am also very uncomfortable with it - he knows it but I do it & once I get into it, it's not that bad & it makes him happy.

You are not alone. Many people do not like sex or have the desire to do it. You will not see many people here that admit to that. It is not popular. You don't sound asexual but are in a vicious circle with your H.

I hope you can find a compromise with your H.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Why in the world is a man who loves sex, and needs constant physical affirmation, married to a woman who couldn't care less about sex?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why in the world is a man who loves sex, and needs constant physical affirmation, married to a woman who couldn't care less about sex?


Because early on in the relationship she either liked sex or pretended to...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> Ok, for all of you who posted your opinion, thank you. But I do have to say many of you (not all) have not ready my post(s) clearly. No they are not his kids. We've been together for 3 years and my kids are 10 and under. I do not use them as an excuse to not want sex because they are not the reason. I'm not too tired or have a headache, I just don't want it. When we got together, I loved sex so yes, he is good in bed and I once loved sex. It is not a bait and switch as I am TRYING to resolve these issues because I UNDERSTAND he needs the affection/sex. *What keeps me from wanting sex is that he does not take into consideration ever that I am either not in the mood (and he doesn't do a lot to get me in the mood) or he has given me so much guilt about sex that I have come to dread it.*
> 
> My point is, I'm taking all the necessary steps (seeing my doctor, seeing a psychiatrist and doing what I can to keep him happy), but he makes no changes and only continues to place guilt on me when I turn him down. This isn't bait and switch, this is REAL issues. If I were withholding sex as my trump card, then why would I be going through all of these things to try to help me. I've read books (not necessarily the ones mentioned). *I desperately want to get back to that point where I loved sex, but it's just not happening and I think it's because I resent his lack of trying on his end. * In his mind I guess, he his sexually healthy and doesn't need to change.
> 
> I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I'm getting tired of crying.


I think you know the answer.

You need to discuss this with him (again if you already have before) and explain it just as you did above in the bolded.

Think of it like this. He needs sex and he knows that laying a guilt trip on your is going to (eventually) get him sex. Therefore, why would he stop?

I'm not encouraging or condoning his actions. I have twice been in a long-term relationship where sex was once every 2-3 weeks (or more) despite the fact my need was greater than that. Much greater. I never guilted either woman into sex, because that's just not right. But either he doesn't get that, or he feels his need for sex outweighs your need for a positive partner.

You are doing your part. You are wanting to improve this issue and you are trying. He isn't. You need him to understand that his pity party attitude isn't just negatively affecting your sex life, it's negatively affecting your marriage and family. 

I'd also suggest thinking up a different way to 'reward' him with sex. Figure out what will get you in the mood more, and tell him that. For the first few months or so, promise him that if he does this, sex will be on the table every 4-6 days, give or take (not counting on your period). So you're not upping the frequency at this point, but you're ensuring him it won't drop either and you can get something which will more put you in the mood, possibly leading to even more sex. Teach him positive behaviour and reward him for it. Also tell him if he continues with his guilt trips, it'll only make things worse because it's turning you off, not on. 

Things will only work if you both try. You seem to be. He doesn't. You need him to start trying in the relationship as well.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Because early on in the relationship she either liked sex or pretended to...


:iagree:

Well she must be good at faking it..:rofl:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Because early on in the relationship she either liked sex or pretended to...


If it's the latter then this is fraud, and he needs to leave her behind.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Well she must be good at faking it..:rofl:


why do you say that?


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

I definitely assumed you were a childless, mid to late 20s couple, and truly must be blind because I still don't see anything about 4 kids in your OP.

(although I don't know that that fact changes my thoughts much)


I would point out: 

Do you realize if your attitude remains resentful...with the thinking _"I'm trying to fix this he's doing nothing", _, _I'm tired of crying_...all the "help" you're seeking is a *complete and utter waste of time*...and really just worsening this problem

Resentment is the poison of relationships.

Also,I can't imagine what a psychiatrist can actually do here to help you _ want _ sex with him.

His behavior does need to change.

And you have to decide not to resent him...if you can't do that, this won't get better


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> Again, I am in therapy and marriage counseling.
> 
> I haven't been a no drive person until now (the past year or so).



If I was totally not in the mood and my wife kept pressing me to do it, I would eventually get mad...I guess....if I really try to imagine that situation, because it is soooo foreign to me. Haha! 

If this sex drive issue just started its a chemical/hormonal issue. It has to be. The more you don't want it the more insecure he will be. There are answers to this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I see some major issues here

He sounds controlling (if he's constantly checking up on your FB and your history and whatnot). There is "protecting the marriage from third parties" and there is overboard.

And the other issue is that you don't seem to desire your husband. That is no good. 

Get into marriage counselling to discuss these issues. Or at least sit down and discuss this properly. He needs to trust you more, you need to make an effort to sleep with your husband w/o it being "pity sex." Pity sex is almost worse than no sex. He needs to stop being so dang clingy/obsessive.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Do you both work? Does he support you and your children?

Why did you marry a man you don't want to have sex with? I'm going to stop right there, before I start using words like entitled, etc...


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> why do you say that?


Just because it would seem strange for him to marry a women with a low sex drive. He has a high sex drive . He could have sex twice a day .So she was good at faking it or maybe he thought it would get better after marriage.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Here is my concern. What event caused it to taper off? When did the problems start becoming such a concern? How long did it take you to reach your current point? 

We need to be objective to determine the root cause. Otherwise OP my best advice, is to stop thinking in absolutes and start remembering why you loved him to begin with. Complement him and start dating and having fun. QUICKLY. 

Also, if you haven't done this yet, you should do it now. Go book a weekend getaway in a hotel. You both sound too stressed and trapped. You need a change of pace to remind yourself of what you lost.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

mrstj4sho88 said:


> Just because it would seem strange for him to marry a women with a low sex drive. He has a high sex drive . He could have sex twice a day .So she was good at faking it or maybe he thought it would get better after marriage.


She has already said the sex was more frequent in the beginning. If she was faking, it IS a bait and switch.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I see some major issues here
> 
> He sounds controlling (if he's constantly checking up on your FB and your history and whatnot). There is "protecting the marriage from third parties" and there is overboard.
> 
> ...


*JMO with the sex not happening much maybe he thinks she has someone else.*


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> She has already said the sex was more frequent in the beginning. If she was faking, it IS a bait and switch.


:iagree:

I had not thought about that one.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

derbygirl said:


> Again, I am in therapy and marriage counseling.
> 
> I haven't been a no drive person until now (the past year or so).


So right about the time you get married you no longer want to have sex or find him desirable?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> She has already said the sex was more frequent in the beginning. If she was faking, it IS a bait and switch.


If you read her post earlier http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1110098-post21.html she said it's not a bait and switch.

I also agree with her in the sense that if it was a bait and switch, why would she be trying to fix the issue now?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I don't get why people feel the need to post stuff like that. derbygirl is here openly asking for help and input and is trying to figure the issue out, yet she's getting bashed pretty good for reason in this thread. 

She has her faults in this most likely, but so does he and it seems like few are pointing that out.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I totally agree. That suggestion was uncalled for.


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

Thank you to those who are actually trying to help me sort this all out. To the rest of you, perhaps you only read half of what I have typed...I AM TRYING TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE!!! I don't expect him to change but be understanding of my struggles with this. That's it. No, I didn't lure him into marriage. When we got married all was fine and over the past 8-9-10 months things have gotten bad. I'm not seeking a miracle, I'm just feeling a little crazy because my efforts are not working and/or being acknowledged. Those of you who have posted cruel things only make me feel more like what I'm trying to resolve is hopeless. I did invite constructive criticism, so I guess I was asking for it but please, unless you're being constructive, please keep it to yourself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Very interesting

The same story basically appears in Craigslist LTR section today!


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> Thank you to those who are actually trying to help me sort this all out. To the rest of you, perhaps you only read half of what I have typed...I AM TRYING TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE!!! I don't expect him to change but be understanding of my struggles with this. That's it. No, I didn't lure him into marriage. When we got married all was fine and over the past 8-9-10 months things have gotten bad. I'm not seeking a miracle, I'm just feeling a little crazy because my efforts are not working and/or being acknowledged. Those of you who have posted cruel things only make me feel more like what I'm trying to resolve is hopeless. I did invite constructive criticism, so I guess I was asking for it but please, unless you're being constructive, please keep it to yourself.


Keep working on it derbygirl. Communication is the key, you need to get both of you on the same page, but he needs to see things from your side first. Talk it out with him and explain to him what you are explaining here, that you don't enjoy sex much right now. I'd emphasize that the problem isn't him IN bed, but rather out of it, in the sense that the nagging isn't helping you at all. If you can get him on the same page as you, you can owrk together to solve the issue rather than against either other.

I'm sure if you can convince him that you are honestly trying to improve the situation, that he would be more easy to work with you on it.


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## derbygirl (Oct 3, 2012)

I agree 100% and I am trying. He is just so stubborn and can't understand why I have changed. I try to explain but he gets defensive and we fight. To compound that, he says that since HE isn't the one who doesn't like to have sex, he doesn't need to change. He says that since he's always been the same, I shouldn't have changed. Hopefully our marriage counselor can help him see that. 

I'm not saying that I just don't wanna do it. I'm at the point where I'm fighting back tears afterward and cry myself to sleep. Pathetic, I know but I'm in a real need for help here.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> I agree 100% and I am trying. He is just so stubborn and can't understand why I have changed. I try to explain but he gets defensive and we fight. To compound that, he says that since HE isn't the one who doesn't like to have sex, he doesn't need to change. *He says that since he's always been the same, I shouldn't have changed. * Hopefully our marriage counselor can help him see that.
> 
> I'm not saying that I just don't wanna do it. I'm at the point where I'm fighting back tears afterward and cry myself to sleep. Pathetic, I know but I'm in a real need for help here.


Ask him if he thinks his grandma (or mom) has sex as much now as she did before.

People change over time. Your change just took hold much more rapidly and you are trying to fix that. He needs to understand you can't change that with a nagging man on your back giving you grief each time you tell him no. 

While I hate to use the 'average' card for couples, since I don't subscribe to it myself, maybe it'd be appropriate in your situation. The average couple around your age has sex about twice a week. Do some reseach on that. The number does move based on the study/survey, but the average is around twice a week. At once every five days, really you aren't to far off of that and, considering you don't even want sex at all right now, you're doing pretty good.

I don't like using the 'average' amount as a guideline, because every couple is different, such you and your man. There's a reason it's 'average' and not normal. But it might help him understand that you are trying to work this out. Maybe remind him also that once every 5 days is 73 times a year, and that's about 73 times more than you want to do right now.

When two horse pull a cart, they have to be pulling in the same direction or it'll never go anywhere.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

derbygirl said:


> I agree 100% and I am trying. He is just so stubborn and can't understand why I have changed. I try to explain but he gets defensive and we fight. To compound that, he says that since HE isn't the one who doesn't like to have sex, he doesn't need to change. He says that since he's always been the same, I shouldn't have changed. Hopefully our marriage counselor can help him see that.
> 
> I'm not saying that I just don't wanna do it. I'm at the point where I'm fighting back tears afterward and cry myself to sleep. Pathetic, I know but I'm in a real need for help here.


Even though you don't feel/want/desire to have sex with your husband, can you compromise with a BJ or an HJ until you get this all sorted out? Sometimes desires come & go but maybe if you can give him some lovin' & a little dirty talk he will not be so angry with you?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Derbygirl - I'm sorry people here are being so nasty when you are clearly trying to find a solution to the problem. 

What do you think changed in the last 8-9 months that made you lose attraction for your H? I don't think you tried to "bait and switch" him but some dynamic in your relationship has changed over the last year that has brought you from a good sex life to a non-existent one.

Guys like to solve problems and most are willing to try if they really love their wives but he needs a very specific task to tackle. Guys generally don't deal well with vague answers about how you don't feel attracted to him, how his nagging makes you feel, etc. If he isn't turning you on now, what did he do before to turn you on? I would give him a very specific problem to try to fix and in return, you make an honest effort to fulfill his needs more often.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Derbygirl, stop crying and listen to SadSamIAm. I think SadSamIAm is giving you the best possible advice. Get your husband to agree to have sex every 5 days with no requests or nagging in between, and then follow through EVERY time barring a major emergency or serious illness. Really make a strong attempt to be romantic and passionate and make him feel desired on this day. Then you can relax knowing you won't be pursued on the rest of the days, and he can relax knowing when it will happen.

It is very stressful on him to get turned down so often, and not know when you will say yes. Over time, that would erode the self-esteem of almost anyone, and eventually would lead them to exhibit unpleasant behaviors such as becoming needy, clingy, pouty, angry, or distant. He probably didn't start out needy and clingy when at the beginning in your honeymooon phase, right? He's gotten insecure over time because he thinks you don't desire him anymore, and maybe you have fallen out of love with him.

You say you are 'working on it' but I don't think going to counseling is really working on the problem in a direct enough way. You need to find a way (right now, not after months of counseling) to make your H feel desired at a frequency that is OK for you. 

On your special day (every 5 days or so), take the time to get in the mood by getting the kids to bed early or getting a babysitter, taking a relaxed bath, put on sexy lingerie, do your hair and makeup, maybe even touch yourself to get yourself in the mood for sex. Flirt with him all day to build up his anticipation and make it more fun.

I think this change needs to start with YOU initiating, you being more romantic, you showing him you desire him. You need to do less talking and take more action and initiative, show him you care about the marriage. If you take time to relax and get yourself in the mood and plan ahead to have sex only every 5 days, it shouldn't be too difficult for you. I bet you'll notice a huge improvement in your H's mood after a few weeks when he sees this is a permanent change and he can count on this. When he starts acting happier, feeling more secure, and stops with the nagging, I bet you'll start to find sex with him fun again.

After a few weeks or months, if all goes well with the 5 day plan and you feel a bit better about sex, you might consider offering to do a BJ or HJ for him halfway in between the 5 days. 

I personally love sex but don't like having to talk dirty or make up some fantasy scenario or role play, so if I were you, I'd say no to that. How can he complain about getting passionate sex or a BJ even if he doesn't get you to talk dirty. Just say NO, that's not going to happen. But make the BJ or HJ feel very loving and special by giving lots of passionate hugs and french kisses to him first, use lots of eye contact, give him a backrub, etc.. With BJs especially there are lots of other things you can do to show enthusiasm. If you act bored and can't even give him passionate hugs and kisses before a BJ or HJ, you might as well not do it.

You can also make him feel special by complimenting him, telling him he's hot and that you love him, small touches during the day, flirt with him, passionately kiss him before he leaves the house, hide flirty or loving notes in his lunch, and give him lots of 10-20 second hugs every day. How much effort are you putting into things like this? Doing these little things will help your marriage more than crying or venting with your counselor.


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## t_hopper_2012 (Apr 17, 2012)

Derby,

It sounds like you guys are having a tough time moving from courtship to day-to-day married life. Everything is easier during courtship - you are each actively romancing the other and you get to do so without all the pressures of daily life. Your relationship then focused on the two of you and didn't include the stresses of running a household together and raising four kids together. 

Your husband seems to want Courtship-level sex - which has a higher frequency than what you can deliver now that you're dealing with the day-to-day of married life. The abusive, needy (IMO) way that your husband demands sex and discounts your feelings pushes your desire to have sex down even further.

I don't remember if you mentioned being in marriage counseling. If you two are not, you clearly need to be.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

KanDo said:


> A large percentage of men receive sex as their love language. This is a deep seeded emotional need. Turning a man like this down repeatedly will result in nothing but resentment. You both need to work this out or resign yourself to misery and or divorce


Yes, but her husband needs to fulfill her love language in order to have his met. Obviously that isn't happening. The crying and lack of sex drive clearly indicates there are bigger issues in the marriage than just sex. No woman wants to feel like a piece of meat!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Remember Forum Rule #8 when responding to this thread.

8. Be supportive of others and their desire to have happier, healthier relationships.

If you can't offer constructive advice, please refrain from posting.


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## more_waffles (Sep 18, 2012)

I suspect that you are going through something similar to what my wife and I experienced. I felt hurt and resentful at being rejected, and my resentful attitude was a huge turnoff for her, which led to a downward spiral. Bed time became tense for both of us. The only way for us to break out was for me to change. I had to take responsibility for my contribution to our woes, let go of the resentment, and learn how to seduce my wife. I had to realize that it wasn't my wife's job to satisfy me sexually, it was my job to be attractive to her. Here are the concrete steps I took:

1. Seduction starts first thing in the morning and continues all day, every day. This can be phone calls, texts, emails, any interaction.
2. I told her that I was going to initiate every night, but made it clear that if she said no, there would be absolutely no hard feelings or resentment
3. Whenever she wants, we can have a "hanging out" night, where sex is off the table and we hang out in bed drinking wine and talking about fun things
4. I'm getting fit and dressing better.

All of this has worked like a charm. The number one improvement has been to tear down the wall of tension between us. We have quadrupled the amount of sex we have, and it is sex we both want. The hard part for you will be to get this through your husband's skull. It took years for it to get through mine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

> I had to realize that it wasn't my wife's job to satisfy me sexually, it was my job to be attractive to her.


More_waffles - That's a great realization!! I wish more guys would figure this out.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

more_waffles said:


> I suspect that you are going through something similar to what my wife and I experienced. I felt hurt and resentful at being rejected, and my resentful attitude was a huge turnoff for her, which led to a downward spiral. Bed time became tense for both of us. The only way for us to break out was for me to change. I had to take responsibility for my contribution to our woes, let go of the resentment, and learn how to seduce my wife. I had to realize that it wasn't my wife's job to satisfy me sexually, it was my job to be attractive to her. Here are the concrete steps I took:
> 
> 1. Seduction starts first thing in the morning and continues all day, every day. This can be phone calls, texts, emails, any interaction.
> 2. I told her that I was going to initiate every night, but made it clear that if she said no, there would be absolutely no hard feelings or resentment
> ...


How long did it take for the sex to increase once you started taking these steps?


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## more_waffles (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm new here, and trying to type on my phone, so I don't know how to quote the questions, so I'll answer them directly here.

The changes I made had an immediate effect. I tried to lead with non-sexual bonding, so that she would know I was serious, but the sex happened anyway. About a week in, she literally burst into tears of relief that I finally understood what she needed to feel loved and appreciated.

As far as "jumping through hoops", that's not how I look at it. Seducing my wife is fun. What it boils down to is paying attention to her, communicating with her, turning off the television and computer and just talking. Since I've made these changes our relationship has improved in many ways outside of sex. We are rediscovering how to make each other laugh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

more_waffles said:


> I had to realize that it wasn't my wife's job to satisfy me sexually, it was my job to be attractive to her. Here are the concrete steps I took:
> 
> 1. Seduction starts first thing in the morning and continues all day, every day. This can be phone calls, texts, emails, any interaction.
> 2. I told her that I was going to initiate every night, but made it clear that if she said no, there would be absolutely no hard feelings or resentment
> ...


There is something unbalanced here. This sounds like the burden is completely on the husband or the spouse with the higher drive. I think the wife should also be seducing, flirting, planning date nights, etc.. Sometimes the wife should initiate. She could dress in sexy lingerie. In the OP's situation, it sounded like she was not ever putting in the effort to initiate sex, and just acted as the passive gatekeeper.

When one person has a much higher drive, it is too easy to fall into the pattern where only the HD person initiates sex. It can become a pursuer-distancer dynamic. 

I would rather be in a relationship like jacquen's or simple amorous' where both spouses want sex and both initiate.

Still, your system is an improvement over what you were doing before. I'm glad you are turning off the TV and paying more attention to your wife.


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## more_waffles (Sep 18, 2012)

Kari said:


> There is something unbalanced here. This sounds like the burden is completely on the husband or the spouse with the higher drive. I think the wife should also be seducing, flirting, planning date nights, etc.. Sometimes the wife should initiate. She could dress in sexy lingerie. In the OP's situation, it sounded like she was not ever putting in the effort to initiate sex, and just acted as the passive gatekeeper.
> 
> When one person has a much higher drive, it is too easy to fall into the pattern where only the HD person initiates sex. It can become a pursuer-distancer dynamic.
> 
> ...



The OP's issue is that her husband's current approach is causing the pursuer-distancer dynamic. I don't see how she can change it without her husband's participation. In my case, now that the old patterns have been broken my wife is very flirty and it isn't easy to tell who is initiating (we just sort of fall on each other).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

more_waffles said:


> The OP's issue is that her husband's current approach is causing the pursuer-distancer dynamic. I don't see how she can change it without her husband's participation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We don't know for sure which of them started the pursuer-distancer pattern. She could have started distancing first and turned down sex all the time and never initiated. But they are certainly stuck in that pattern now.

I believe the OP could do a lot herself to get out of the pattern - stop distancing so much. Make him feel secure. Since she is the distancer who needs space, she should tell him her firm boundaries and not leave him wondering. 

For example, why doesn't she tell him that (for the near future at least), she will take over initiating sex. She could tell him NOT to initiate at all, but that she will initiate every 3-4 days and she will make it worth the wait. Then she should make sure keep her end of the bargain (come hell or high water), and with passion. The LD person needs to take time to slow down their mind and move their attention from the duties of the day. Do some yoga and breathing, listen to relaxing music, take a hot bath, and read a hot excerpt in a romance novel. She needs to figure out how to get herself in the mood. 

I bet her H is needing to feel some passion from her, and would be OK with every 3-5 days if she acted really enthusiastic and into him at those times. Right now, she might be 'giving in' having sex 'once or twice a week', but probably acts like a martyr during sex. That isn't satisfying to him.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Derby,

Sorry if you answered this but, i could not read 6 pages of posts lol.

I found in the past that my wife had different math then i did. She thought it was much more requent then it was. She thought it was 1-2 times a week when it was once a week TOPs with an occasional twice a week.


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## Vaya Con Dios (Aug 20, 2012)

Well I read your post and please someone tell me if the question has already been asked...but do you LOVE him? Do you still find him attractive? is it sex (full monty) that you hate, or do you still fool around?


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

Buy him the book MMSL and tell him that once he reads it, you will try to be more open to sex. If he practices what the book teaches, things will improve for the both of you.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

This is all a classic case of husband needing some MMSL in his life. Dude needs to start reading the Primer and run the MAP. Needing constant affirmation and being clingy is complete beta weakness and it's a huge turn-off to women. It's not a woman's job to have sex with her man, it's the man's job to make his wife want to have sex with him. He needs some serious game and learn that when it comes to the bedroom, you gotta bring the alpha and kill the beta. Beta is for relationship comfort, alpha is for sparking the sexual energy. He's got this completely twisted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sad Times (Jul 29, 2012)

There are so many good replies from other guys on here.... but I simply wanted to throw in my two cents... addressing guys need for sex in so many ways simply a guys way of feeling close and loved by their wife. I personally got beaten down by constantly being turned down by my wife, that I simply stop asking. After several months it was clear to me that this didn't even seem to impact her. Over time I stop telling her that I loved hed... a year later I stop wearing my ring. It took her over a month to even noticed that I had stop wearing it and when she asked... I told her that I no longer felt as if I was in a marriage, as we had only been intimate three times the last three years. She had no reply... and that was the end of that conversation. I've now turned out side of my marriage for that intimacy I so we craved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

From a close source I know that women can get in the mood by just starting to have sex. 

With having sex I am meaning having a couple of times a week about an hour of time, scheduled in, the full works of romance, room etc. etc.


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