# I think the wifes gonna forget my Birthday... agian!



## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Going to keep this short.

I love my wife, she loves me, we've recently had a baby boy together, everything is great!

BUT, she either keeps forgetting special occasions or doesn't make a fuss.... I want a fuss  Especially since I always put a lot of effort into hers. Last time she went around telling everyone what I did, it was all very embarrasing but at least it made her happy. 

Anyway my birthday is next week and she's made arrangements to go and stay at her mums for a few days, I'm almost certain she's forgotten.

It's not a bid deal from an emotional standpoint, as I know it's just her nature (she's like this with everyone), but the question is, how do I address this without feeling like a 16yr old girl?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If she is forgetting things lately why not just remind her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Say I know you plan in seeing your mom next week. Will you be back on time for my birthday?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Say " hey Babe I'm thinking about taking the day off on my birthday next week what do you think? "


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Not so sure about going down that route, surely her remembering and doing something of her own accord would mean more than me essentially shoving a calander marked with my birthday in her face!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Seriously you're going to have to get over this wanting your spouse to do things of their own accord. My experience? I've been married 22 years. If I want something from my husband I (radical concept) ASK FOR IT directly.

For the record my husband makes a big fuss over my birthday and I didn't always return the favor. Not because I didn't love him but because birthdays just aren't my thing. I know now he's a gift guy so I make the effort.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If the shoe was on the other foot...how would your wife react if you forgot hers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Perhaps she is a different person who doesn't see things the same way you do. Perhaps she would like to do these things to make you happy but is distracted or simply forgetful. It seems pretty passive-aggressive to me that you simmer with resentment over this but don't proactively work to prevent the situation.

Why not give her a chance to do what you want? If she refuses, then you may have a problem. This whole, "it means less if she doesn't figure it out on her own," stuff is a near guarantee that your needs will not be met. It's as much your responsibility to get your needs met as it is hers to meet them.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I fail to see the point, it'd mean nothing to me. 

What exactly am I going to ask for? A gift? I can buy things for myself in that case. Ask her to spend the day with me? I can do that anytime. 

I don't place any significance on my birthday, it's just another day. However, it's a nice feeling if your spouse makes an effort for you, it is, as the old saying goes, the thought that counts.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

richie33 said:


> If the shoe was on the other foot...how would your wife react if you forgot hers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She wouldn't be fussed (maybe a little dissapointed now that I've made a bid deal in the past). Like someone above, she's never made a fuss of birthdays, either her own or others. Hoever she loves it when I do. 



zookeeper said:


> Perhaps she is a different person who doesn't see things the same way you do. Perhaps she would like to do these things to make you happy but is distracted or simply forgetful. It seems pretty passive-aggressive to me that you simmer with resentment over this but don't proactively work to prevent the situation.
> 
> Why not give her a chance to do what you want? If she refuses, then you may have a problem. This whole, "it means less if she doesn't figure it out on her own," stuff is a near guarantee that your needs will not be met. It's as much your responsibility to get your needs met as it is hers to meet them.


Who said I'm simmering with resentment? 

You're absolutely right, she is different, I know this which is why even if she does forget I won't be the slightest be upset(perhaps I would have been in the past, but I know better now).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Feelingdown said:


> Anyway my birthday is next week and she's made arrangements to go and stay at her mums for a few days, I'm almost certain she's forgotten.


Tell her: I want to spend my birthday with you. So please reschedule your time at your mother's. 

And there is no shame in wanting your partner to fan-girl all over you on your birthday. She is your wife! She should make a fuss!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> I fail to see the point, it'd mean nothing to me.
> 
> What exactly am I going to ask for? A gift? I can buy things for myself in that case. Ask her to spend the day with me? I can do that anytime.


How about you ask her for what you want? If you don't care about any of these things, why the resentment that she does not give them to you?

Again, what exactly do you want? For her to remember and mark the day without a word from you, right? According to you that isn't very likely to happen. So, you can either remain unhappy and let the resentment grow or you can explain to her that you want her to do something to mark the day for you. Your choice.

I'm guessing that the reason you think there is no point if you have to ask is that you make the assumption that her failure to mark the day equates to some lack of caring on her part. "If she really loved me, she would rmemebr." This may be true or false, but you won't even know unless you open up to her about it. 



Feelingdown said:


> I don't place any significance on my birthday, it's just another day. However, it's a nice feeling if your spouse makes an effort for you, it is, as the old saying goes, the thought that counts.


Does your wife not show her caring for you in any other ways? If so, you're in trouble. I suspect that she does, but they may not be ways that YOU notice. Do you see the disfunction in that? You may be stuck on this issue of birthdays while she doesn't get their importance to you. She may be doing a bucketload of other things to show her love that are invisible to you. If she forgets your birthday does it negate everything else?

Just talk to her about it. Being stubborn is rarely a positive thing in a marriage.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> You're absolutely right, she is different, I know this which is why even if she does forget I won't be the slightest be upset(perhaps I would have been in the past, but I know better now).


If it won't upset you in the slightest, why start a thread about it?


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Because I want her to make a fuss, it doesn't mean i'm sitting quietly in a dark corner of the room in deep resentment. 

A lot of what you say rings true, and in the past it did bother me, so I get where you're coming from. And you're right, she shows love in plenty of ways... just this particular day she seems to choose not to


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ask her to make a fuss.

I've done it.

I'm normally not a birthday person but on my 40th I wanted a party so I asked my husband for one.

He delivered one in spades because he loves me and wants me to be happy.

My best friend asked her husband for a big party when she turned 30. He delivered as well.

ASK for what you want or you may never get it.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Feelingdown,

If you don't wont to look like a 16 year old girl than stop acting like one! If she shows you she loves you in other ways than have the maturity to get over your petty disappointment that she doesn't remember your birthday. Point out to her that it is coming up and tell her you are excited to see what she has planned. Than let whatever is going to happen happen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You wouldn't have gone to the trouble to post a thread if you didn't care what she does about your birthday.

So, you have two choices. Say nothing and continue the way things are. Tell her you would like a tiny bit of recognition for your birthday and then things could change.

She's unlikely to magically wake up one day and change on her own. So it's up to you.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

KanDo said:


> Feelingdown,
> 
> If you don't wont to look like a 16 year old girl than stop acting like one! If she shows you she loves you in other ways than have the maturity to get over your petty disappointment that she doesn't remember your birthday. Point out to her that it is coming up and tell her you are excited to see what she has planned. Than let whatever is going to happen happen.


For the record. I do not think you are acting like a 16 year old girl. I think you are acting as you should on a board like this. I think taking unjust stabs at people that want a consensus and ask the people of TAM to chime in are doing themselves and often their spouse a favor is more childish than asking a question is. 

that said,
Open communication is best. If she has or does disappoint you then make her aware. If she fails after being made aware then have consequences for her failure. There is a bit of constant training or one another that happens in marriage. Communication is what allows it to be healthy and fair. Not telling her would be setting her up essentially to fail you again.
If she is typically a good unselfish and loving person, I doubt she wishes to hurt you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> How about you ask her for what you want? If you don't care about any of these things, why the resentment that she does not give them to you?
> 
> Again, what exactly do you want? For her to remember and mark the day without a word from you, right? According to you that isn't very likely to happen. So, you can either remain unhappy and let the resentment grow or you can explain to her that you want her to do something to mark the day for you. Your choice.
> 
> ...


While it is important for him to notice and remember, it is also imperative that she makes an effort to show she loves him in ways that he recognizes.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm in the 'not make a fuss' camp. I don't do the party thing for birthdays, but am happy if my husband makes an effort to please me. For my 40th he wanted to throw me this big thing and I told him that's not what I wanted. He respected that and scaled it down. His birthday is next week and he wants pomp and circumstance since it will be HIS 40th. I will throw him the party he wants because he wants it. He loves that stuff. The being made a fuss over thing is big for him. Last year I did the same thing, because I asked him what he wanted to do and he said... "I haven't had a real party since I was little". Well we had a huge thing last year with over 60 people and it was his 39th, but hey it's what he wanted.

I say if you want to be fussed over, say so. Just do it. Yes it would be lovely if you didn't feel like you HAD to state the obvious (to you) but in these situations it's better to be direct and happy than assume and be disappointed.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

You don't want a gift - you could buy it for yourself. 

You don't really want to spend time with her - you could do that any time. 

So - what is it you really want, what defines this "fuss?"

If she doesn't have similiar ideas on how birthdays are important, expecting her to realize that it's important to you without ever having to verbalize it, while ideal is a bit off. Which if its going to "ruin it" if you have to mention it, this seems like a no win. You don't mention it, it doesn't happen, you are unhappy. You mention it, you feel it's ruined, because you had to put forth the effort of telling her. 

Also - you say your son is newly born. What's the plan for him for this fuss (depending on what you want it to be) - IE is baby-sitting available?


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## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

A couple of years ago my wife didn't even get me a Christmas card!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

nogutsnoglory said:


> For the record. I do not think you are acting like a 16 year old girl. I think you are acting as you should on a board like this. I think taking unjust stabs at people that want a consensus and ask the people of TAM to chime in are doing themselves and often their spouse a favor is more childish than asking a question is.
> 
> "for the record" It was the OP how brought up looking like a 16 year old girl! A 16 your old girl might pout because their boyfriend didn't remember their birthday. A mature person realizes that people ascribe different values to these occasions and recognizes that if their partner demonstrates their love in other ways, they should cut them some slack. Fortunately a simple reminder isn't too much to ask.
> 
> ...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

For my ex wifes birthday I surprised her with a day pampering, spa treatment, dress shopping, romantic candle-lit dinner and finally a surprise party with her friends and family, catering, presents, etc. She said it was the best birthday ever.

Then my birthday rolls around....
The week before my birthday, I had to go away for 1 week of training. We talked every day, a told her how stressful and hard this particular course was, and told her that I couldn't wait till Friday so I could come home and spend my birthday with her. I was going to meet her and the kids at our trailer, where we would spend weekends in the summer. On the Friday (my birthday) I called her in the morning before the 8 hour test....told her I loved her and can't wait to see her. I told her I would be leaving at 3: pm, would make the 5 hour drive and see her at 8: pm for dinner at the trailer (like a cottage).

The exam was so tough I had to work straight through lunch. I finally wrapped things up and made the long drive in Friday traffic. I called and she never answered, so I left her a message that I missed lunch but I was going to drive straight there so that I would be there for 8: pm for dinner, like we planned.

I arrived at 8: pm, tired and hungry....no one at the trailer. Normally, when one of us would be out the other one takes a walkie-talkie and/or leaves a note so the other knows where they are, who's trailer they would be at. No note for me, no walkie-talkie to reach her, and not answering her cell phone...I chit you not.

I'm starving! I crack a beer and wait. 20 minutes later I crack another....still nothing. Neighbors haven't seen her in a while. It's almost 9: pm, so I decide to cook myself some frozen burgers because I haven't eaten all day. I cook and eat 2 burgers, drink 2 more beers, no one shows up. She's still not answering her cell, but her car is here so I know she's somewhere in the trailer park.

At 9:45pm she comes up to the deck and says, "hey, you're here"....I looked at her and said "really? that's it?"....she says "what?"

I said we were supposed to be eating dinner together at 8: pm. All week I told you how hard the course was and how much I was looking forward to spending my birthday with you. I even told you last night how stressed I was about the exam, since this was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I leave you messages all day, you don't answer, you don't leave a note so I could find you, you don't answer your cell, you didn't take a walkie-talkie...I just had the worse week of my life, you knew that, and I drove 5 hours home without eating to spend my birthday with you, and you show up almost 2 hours after I get here. That's what.

She says "sorry. Do you want to eat now? "

I said no thanks, I just ate by myself...topped off the horrible day I had. 

We barely spoke the rest of the night, just had some drinks around the fire pit with the neighbors. Know one knew it was my birthday, no surprise, just absolutely nothing at all. She never bothered to pick me up a case of beer that I asked her for, because I wouldn't have time during the long drive....said she forgot, though we had just talked about it the night before and she promised "don't worry, I'll grab you some beer on my way up to the trailer so you won't have to stop"...just didn't bother. She never really felt that bad about it I guess, but I felt so alone.

I woke up the next day, which was the day after my birthday. She hands me a bunch of ripped paper coupons she made as my present. One was "free special alone time with wife", one was "10 minute back rub", one was "grab you a beer from the fridge"....this is the kind of thing your kid makes you in school. 

I said "so I'm gone a whole week, and you make me this for my present the day after my birthday? I feel like you didn't think about me at all while I was gone. I was constantly thinking of you while I was away, and you couldn't even take the time to get me so much as a card". She said "well, I wanted to buy you a ring but I didn't know your size." I said "so I get nothing then? When a man doesn't know his wife's size, he buys the ring and they go later to get it sized together...in fact, we had done that for her in the past". I said "after how much I put into your birthday, you turn around and put nothing into mine...I really have nothing left to say to you, I'm gonna go home"

It was the worst birthday of my life and I will never forget it.

Just thinking about it makes me feel like crap.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> You don't want a gift - you could buy it for yourself.
> 
> You don't really want to spend time with her - you could do that any time.
> 
> ...


I do want to spend time with her, my point was on my birthday I should really have to ask... By 'fuss' I don't mean I want a big party, hell I actually just want to spend it alone with her. When I say fuss all I really mean is that I want her to acknowledge it in a way that she think will make me happy.

Anyway, I mentioned that she's going to miss my birthday before she left, she said she realised and that it was dissapointing, but I didn't ask her to stay as I feel she deserves a little support from her mum with our little boy, she's not really had a break since he was born a couple months ago. And with the circumstances in mind, it's not really fair to expect much of a fuss this year anyway(and certainly not a present. However, I didn't even get a happy birthday text until I gave her a gentle nudge /o\

I think I'm gonna take the advice some of you guys have given and just give her loads of unsubtle hints next year.


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