# How to forgive



## mrscook (Sep 25, 2009)

I have been married for just a little over a year. To a man I have been with for almost 5 years. This man is also my sons father. I have just recently found out that he has cheated on me several times. I have confronted females, searched phone calls, text messages, facebook accounts, and emails. I am really tired of having to check his stuff because he can not be trusted. I dont want to just leave, because I dont want to have to change my sons environment and I do truly love him. Everyday I question myself by asking does he really love me. He tells me he does and his past was a mistake, but Im finding it hard to believe and trust him. I have cried so many tears and I still pray on this everyday. If he is really telling me the truth and wanting me to stay how can I forgive this man? When I say forgive that means not search his things, not bring up the past situations when Im upset, but just start fresh. If it comes down to me leaving the most important thing to me is my son. My son is three years old and has never woke up without his father being around. He has always had his own room and space. If I leave we would have to stay with my mom or grandmother until i could get on my feet. Which means I would have to change his school and deal with the fact of not being in my own home. PLEASE help with advice, Im so confused. To top it all off i think i may be pregnant with another child of his.


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## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

It is very difficult to leave a marriage, the fear of having to make it on your own but do you really want to spend your life with a man who cheats on you. I believe that once you have to deal with a cheating husband it is very hard to forget and forgive. Every time something happens it will have you wondering where he is, who is he with, and continuously checking messages and internet for evidence of more cheating. Personally I could not think of a worse way to live my life. I was in a marriage where I had to put up with alcohol not other women but its just as hard. I had three small children at the time and one of those children was physically challenged but I couldn't see life being any better with this man so I left. Best thing I ever did and I managed, it was hard I wont say it wasn't but I found the strength to move on and make a much happier life for me and my children. An unhappy mother is not much good to a child anyway. If you feel you cant trust him and this is not the first time then my advise is to go. It could work out better anyway or like the old saying goes you don't know what you had till its gone, he may realize what he has lost and make the effort to win your trust again and make you happy.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I was a "serial cheater" with my last marriage and justified this as we had a bad sex life but it is very damaging to the marriage. He cannot do this, period! I would tell him if he does it once more you are gone and I would stick to it. You might think you cannot live without him but your would be surprised. Your kids will do better than you think also, mine have been fine.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> When I say forgive that means not search his things


No, that would be trusting again. Forgiving means, I'm willing to give you one more chance, under these conditions: he must be an open book. He must turn over to you all account passwords, etc. Phones, car mileage, whatever it takes to make you feel you know where he is and what he's doing. He has NO RIGHT to privacy until YOU feel like giving it to him. If this is an issue, then he is still harboring whatever feelings led him to cheat in the first place, and of course, he needs counseling to address that, anyway. 

If you think about a healthy marriage, there are no secrets. None. No need for privacy (except in the bathroom, maybe). Your end of conversations with friends, for example, should be open to discuss with your spouse-only a friend's problems and your responses that would reveal the nature of the friend's problem are "private." Any feelings you transmit to a friend about your own life should be shared with your spouse, probably first. Confiding in a friend when you have marital concerns is actually avoiding the problem, because the only way to deal with them is to talk to your spouse. Yes, you can confide in others too (for support, ideas), but truthfully, you and your spouse should be working on the issues.

Anyone who needs tons of "privacy" probably shouldn't be married. Our thoughts are our own, but holding back thoughts that have to do with the marriage-once we are aware we are doing it and the issues are potentially damaging--is counterproductive. 

My marriage was like that--an open book--until I gave up on it. Probably the only mistake I made was in not telling my husband when I realized I was emotionally "done." Maybe that would have given him a chance to repair things, but since by that point I didn't think so, and didn't WANT to repair things, I guess I kept my mouth shut and tried to stay married anyway. Didn't work, by the way. 

Cheaters will go on and on about needing privacy, but there is a qualitative difference between "me time" and emotional privacy. If you cannot share ALL of your feelings with your spouse, again, why be married? This does not mean spitting out every passing thought of anger, however; it means good communication about issues that bubble up as recurrent. If a spouse does something a couple of times and it ticks you off, you let them know in a respectful way, "Hey, I need the toilet seat down so I don't fall into it at night." If that does not get a positive response, "I feel really humiliated when I fall into the toilet." When these kind of messages get no response, or mediocre at best, it's time for help, b/c they are only going to get worse. Wish I had known that a long time ago.


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## mrscook (Sep 25, 2009)

Thanks for all the advice. After reading the responds I have given my marriage a lot of thought. I have told my husband if I find anything regarding text messages, picture mail, call logs, ANYTHING I was taking our son and leaving. I also told him we have to arrange counseling. Whatever it takes, because once I loose interests in this marriage and trying it's done. Although, he doesn't not have a lot of time to get things together. i'm not going to sit around until he is ready to make changes and start working on us. If I dont see improvement within the next month we are gone. That would mean he would have had to showed NO effort what so ever.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He needs personal counseling, not counseling with you there. He won't likely be perfectly honest with you there. And he needs to be honest to someone for once. Startign with a stranger is easier than starting with you. 

I'm glad you are making a stand on this. I'd have left already.


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