# Wife's constant asking me to do random things comes across as bossy



## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Before I get into the details, just know that I do my part around the house (chores, errands, kid activities, finances, etc). I am in no way trying to get out of helping around the house. I actually enjoy maintaining our house and keeping it running smoothly. But, I am starting to feel like my wife is bossing me around lately. She has a habit of asking me to do some random task out of the blue. Example: last night she and I were on the bed watching TV. She was on her phone looking at Facebook at the same time. Rather than get up from the bed, open the door, and tell our kids it was bedtime, she asked me to do it. Once I did that, she then asked me to move the wet clothes over to the dryer. These little chore requests just happen every day - no matter what I'm doing. Should I be offended that she is treating me like I am her servant or like a child to whom she's giving directions? I don't do the same thing to her because I know from experience she'll get upset that I didn't do the task myself or she'll give some excuse as to why she can't do it. I don't want to make her feel like I think she's bossing me around, but there's got to be changes made to this because it's driving me away from wanting to be around her. Any advice would be greatly helpful!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"No, thank you. While you are up, can you get me a glass of water?"

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

In other words, you are allowing this to happen. Then you avoid your wife because you feel bad about yourself. 

She is taking nothing more than you are clearly willing to give. If you don't want to do something, tell her no.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So what happens when you ask "Hey, babe, how's about a blow before bed?"

If the answer is usually yes, then you do any damned little task she asks of you with a smile on your face.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

I have no problem with doing extra if you are getting extra. I am not just talking about what’s happening in the bedroom, but just in general, doing extra for you.
I am into the business of both of us doing extra for each other. But I have a problem with Let me sit there on the sofa watching YouTube, while there are plates in the dinning table and waiting for “someone” to take care of it. 
If I want to be with someone that I need serve all day long (and got nothing extra back, including inside the bedroom), then I will get a dog. I am not the kind of guy that I married you and I will treat you like. A queen.
If these extra chore is become an annoyance, you need to start talking about it early. Maybe suggesting “I go take care of the laundry. Can you check in the kids and get them to bed.”
I will be honest here. My marriage is in a bad place beyond repair partly for this “extra chore” reason. I basically lose respect to the wife of being a “partner” because she is not pulling her weight. She does some chore. But then, she is making everything tiny thing to sounds like she just saved the world. 
anyway, talking about the extra work, try to share some of the task. Work on early and not let it becomes a big resentment on your part.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

DawgFan79 said:


> Should I be offended that she is treating me like I am her servant or like a child to whom she's giving directions? I don't do the same thing to her because I know from experience she'll get upset that I didn't do the task myself or she'll give some excuse as to why she can't do it. I don't want to make her feel like I think she's bossing me around, but there's got to be changes made to this because it's driving me away from wanting to be around her. Any advice would be greatly helpful!


@DawgFan79 ,

I'm speaking to you today as a female human being, and I have a husband like you who is more than willing and able to pitch around the house to keep it tidy and running smoothly. We both work--him out of the home, and I work at home, so a lot of the things like laundry I just handle because I'm here. He likes to cook and I like to let him! LOL  But I have heard from him, on the occasion, that the way I tell him something can sound like a command. Now I'm hear to tell you that I don't INTEND to be demanding, but if a lady says "Get the drinks, dear" it can sound more blunt and bossy than, "Hey sweetie, this time would you mind being the one to get the drinks? Thanks!" 

So #1 I'd ask yourself if that might be the case with you. Is she saying "Tell the kids to go to bed" and it sounds like a command to you, but in her head she means "Dawg, would you mind doing bed duty tonight?" If you think that's the case, that her bark is worse than her bite, then my hubby has told me straight out, "You said that to me like a bark. I don't take barking too well. Did you mean that as harsh as it sounded?" Now, that's not said right "in the moment" but maybe afterward or the next day when we are both not tired and cranky. And in that timing, then yeah I can hear that it's not cool to speak to the person I love in a tone that sounds barky to them. I want my spouse to feel valued and cared for, not bossed around! 

If you think about it and that is NOT the case for you--if you believe she actually is intending to be demanding and conditioning you to jump at her bidding--then I'd say stop jumping and start speaking out every single time she does it. 
Her: "Tell the kids to go to bed!"
You: "I don't appreciate being spoken to in that tone and will not comply with a disrespectful demand. No." 
The trick is two-fold: name it for what it is (disrespectful and a demand) and say no. A RESPECTFUL REQUEST is when a person ASKS...and there is an ability to say no. (If there's no ability to say no, then it is a disrespectful demand.) On the other hand, when she DOES frame it as a respectful request "Would you mind getting the kids in bed this time?" and you're okay with it...say YES as often as you can. 

By saying yes to disrepectful demands, you teach her to treat you disrespectfully. By naming it and saying no to disrespectful demands (...and saying yes as often as you can to respectful requests), you teach her to treat you respectfully.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nothing like being assertive without sounding rude and bossy and speaking your mind. If you feel that your wife's constant asking of you to do things is creating resentment then speak up your mind"

YOU: "wife is getting to be annoying, and I'm starting to resent your constant ordering me to do things that you perfectly can do while you're on social media or whatever. I want this stop right now. I want to make crystal clear to you that you understand what I'm telling you. If you continue with this behavior it will eventually create a divide between us that might lead to the breakage of this relationship in the end".

if you have the balls to say it, say it. Otherwise, shut up and put up, because you are showing your weak beta behavior with this:



DawgFan79 said:


> *because I know from experience she'll get upset that I didn't do the task myself or she'll give some excuse as to why she can't do it. I don't want to make her feel like I think she's bossing me around,*


Well, SHE IS BOSSING YOU AROUND.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you are otherwise doing your part, just make it more balanced & occasionally ask her to do stuff. You can also calmly express that you don't like this & request that she stop doing it. Don't demand. Don't pick a fight. Just express how you feel 

It sounds like you are making mountains out of mole hills.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Suck it up.

They are your kids too.

The difference between you is that she is aware of what needs to be done and is just trying to make sure she doesn't do it all. That's about the same for most couples I know. The woman knows what and when.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I would just ask her for favors also. "Could you pick me up *__* when you go to the grocery store next time?" "Babe, can I get you to hand me *___*?"


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You have nine threads complaining about your wife. I don't think upping your T level is going to help you. Resolving your complaints is going to require that you actually open your mouth and discuss these issues with her. She gets mad? So???


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

These are the shyt tests that were discussed here a couple weeks ago.

She is pushing you to see just how compliant and doormatable you will be.

This is what Richard Cooper and Rolli Tomassi refer to as “Betasation by 1000 concessions.” 

The more she can boss you around and control you the less she will respect you because she will see you as weak and unable or unwilling to stand up to her. 

And in her subconscious mind, if you can’t stand up to her and are weak and a doormat, then how can you protect and provide for her and the family. 

A woman can’t desire a man she doesn’t respect and does not see as strong, so you are running the very real risk of being one of these guys on here whining that your wife hasn’t touched you in a year.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Agreed with old shirt. Crap tests. Your wife is reminding me of my MIL.

she isn’t as bad as my MIL, but it sounds like she is headed that way. For example, I was over at the in laws one time and sitting at the kitchen table with FIL. He asked me if I wanted a beer. Yup. He got up and walked 25ft to the fridge, got two and sat back down with me. He opens both and we sit for a minute. MIL walks into the kitchen and says, “I’d like a beer too. Get me one FIL”. MIL at this point is standing 5ft away from the fridge. I can’t help myself and open my mouth, “Hey MIL, the fridge is 5ft in front of where you are standing. Can you see it?”. Much glowering after that. Needless to say, FIL got up and got her one too.

it is bothersome to watch their relationship. It has nothing to do with this being a woman dominating a man or vice versa. It has everything to do with respect. I would be just as disgusted if I saw a man treat his wife with the same level of disdain. 

their relationship is disgusting. She bosses him around like a lapdog. It makes me want to puke. When my twins were born, that was it. I couldn’t have that kind of negativity in my house when they visit. I told my wife she has a choice: either I can talk to MIL and FIL that she is not allowed to boss FIL around in our house or you can. My preference is that you’ll have me do it as I love confrontation, but we all know that isn’t going to end well. You have 24 hours to do this before I handle it. Needless to say, my wife took care of it and MIL keeps her mouth shut at my house. It’s far more pleasant. Whatever they do in public or at their place is their business, but it won’t be around me and my kids.

you need to handle this problem and do it quickly. You don’t want to be like my FIL. I can see the pain in his eyes. The man is miserable.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My recommendation is when she is bossing you around just to boss you around just keep doing what your doing. 

I’ll show you a recent example of my wife bossing me around and my response to it. 

I was doing some very critical posting here on TAM in my Archie Bunker chair one evening and wife was on the couch seeing what other people were having for dinner on Facebook.

The weather had turned cold and the living room windows were open with a cold draft blowing on me. 

I got up and started closing the first window. My wife blurted out, “I opened that, leave that open.”

Without breaking stride or acknowledging her command, I walked over and started closing the other window. 

She escalated with an annoyed and demanding tone, “ Hey! I said leave that open!”

Without looking up at her, I calmly and matter of factly said, “ I’m not paying to heat the neighborhood.” And went back to my critical TAM post. 

Making one last attempt at getting my compliance she said, “ I had those open because I’m hot.”

With that I looked up with a wicked grin and replied, “ yeah, you’re dang HOT. You can get naked to cool off and that will make me hot too!!”

She went back to seeing what other people were eating on Facebook and I went back to my life saving post on TAM. 

That’s how you handle these shyt and compliance tests.

Now some people would say that I was being an azz or even mean and dismissive to her needs. 

But she was sitting perfectly content and comfortable and hadn’t uttered a single word about being hot or uncomfortable prior to me shutting the window. 

She was just trying to boss me around and test my compliance as her servant and errand boy and I wasn’t falling for it and turned it around into something flirtatious and cocky. 

(But for reference, like millions of other men, I have flunked countless other tests over the years. 

Cont....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Cont....


The key is being able to differentiate between a legitimate request for help or simply bossing you around.

If she had severed an artery, I would have rendered aid and applied a tourniquet. 

But when she’s sitting there perfectly content and comfortable looking at pictures of food, demanding that I leave the window open when cold air is coming in, it’s a shyt Test.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Didnt know you was married to my wife too. 

I know how your feeling.
I help around the house too, when i can. 
but then when i sit down my wife will say "do this or do that". 
But when i confront her and i say "no" or ask why cant she do it , she says that im moaning at her. 
As were both home all day, im with her 24/7 and she is usually on her phone.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> My recommendation is when she is bossing you around just to boss you around just keep doing what your doing.
> 
> I’ll show you a recent example of my wife bossing me around and my response to it.
> 
> ...


This is some brilliant work right here, Oldshirt. 🤣 

Archie Bunker chair, seeing what others were having for dinner on facebook, getting to use the classic dad line "I'm not paying to heat/cool the entire neighborhood"... this post had it all. 

I prefer to take a hardline stance, but I must give credit to your clever ways of turning this situation into a flirting situation. Well done.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I told my wife she has a choice: either I can talk to MIL and FIL that she is not allowed to boss FIL around in our house or you can.


I would hope that if my daughter in law (not even my own flesh and blood) came to me with that demand, I would still have a pair big enough to tell her to piss off and mind her own business. My wife and I are grown-ass adults. If the price of admission to my son's house was to kowtow to her demands on how our relationship should function, then that would be the last visit we ever made.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> I would hope that if my daughter in law (not even my own flesh and blood) came to me with that demand, I would still have a pair big enough to tell her to piss off and mind her own business. My wife and I are grown-ass adults. If the price of admission to my son's house was to kowtow to her demands on how our relationship should function, then that would be the last visit we ever made.


What would you do if your son came to you with the request?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I think one of the distinctions that you could make when you discuss this with her is the issue of timing....

If she asking you do something that is a "RIGHT NOW" type thing, then its a no.

If you are discussing who will do x, y and z ahead of time and agreeing to it, its fine. It is the right now component that nobody wants to deal with being told what to do.

If she wants something done "right now", it is on her.... same goes for you.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I don't know your other post history but, I am guilty of doing this too.  There are a lot of reasons behind it, none that are really worth spelling out here. I made it clear to my H that he can say no at any time and sometimes he does. Then I just figure out another way to get the task done and we move along. 

You can always say no. If she throws a fit about it, call her on it. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> What would you do if your son came to you with the request?


Pretty much the same thing. If I was hitting my wife in their presence, I get it. If we want to stay in our dom-sub character when out and about, mind your own damn business.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> Any advice would be greatly helpful!


This is an issue of your own making. she can't actually make you do anything.

So if you don't want to do something just say say "nope" and don't do it

The End.


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## BenWylder (Aug 2, 2021)

DawgFan79 said:


> Before I get into the details, just know that I do my part around the house (chores, errands, kid activities, finances, etc). I am in no way trying to get out of helping around the house. I actually enjoy maintaining our house and keeping it running smoothly. But, I am starting to feel like my wife is bossing me around lately. She has a habit of asking me to do some random task out of the blue. Example: last night she and I were on the bed watching TV. She was on her phone looking at Facebook at the same time. Rather than get up from the bed, open the door, and tell our kids it was bedtime, she asked me to do it. Once I did that, she then asked me to move the wet clothes over to the dryer. These little chore requests just happen every day - no matter what I'm doing. Should I be offended that she is treating me like I am her servant or like a child to whom she's giving directions? I don't do the same thing to her because I know from experience she'll get upset that I didn't do the task myself or she'll give some excuse as to why she can't do it. I don't want to make her feel like I think she's bossing me around, but there's got to be changes made to this because it's driving me away from wanting to be around her. Any advice would be greatly helpful!


This sounds familiar. I think over the years I have conditioned my wife because I've always offer to do anything she need me to handle. In my case, my wife doesn't mean to be bossy and sometimes I let her know f she comes off that way. I may came back with "yes ma'am, anything else" or something sarcastic but I say it in a playful way. Sometimes when she's leaving the house she might say something like "I'm going to the gym, could you move the clothes over and start something else, or something like, "I'm going for a run, could you run the floor cleaner while I'm gone." Now I still have two college aged kids at home so I treasure my "home alone" time. So I may respond to her "I will do it in a bit but I want to play guitar for a while first. Or I have on occasion asked her if she realizes that every time she leaves to do something that she leaves me work to be done by the time she returns. Most of the time I just say OK and try to make it happen just to keep the peace. Marriage is work, but worth it.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

Personal said:


> This is an issue of your own making. she can't actually make you do anything.
> 
> So if you don't want to do something just say say "nope" and don't do it
> 
> The End.


I agree with that but the end result of not doing it usually becomes me getting chewed out


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

kag123 said:


> I don't know your other post history but, I am guilty of doing this too.  There are a lot of reasons behind it, none that are really worth spelling out here. I made it clear to my H that he can say no at any time and sometimes he does. Then I just figure out another way to get the task done and we move along.
> 
> You can always say no. If she throws a fit about it, call her on it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


I wish I could get the same result with my W. Last night she asked me to do three things in a row without even lifting a finger from her phone while she sat on the bed watching TV. If I said no to her she'll give me the guilt trip of me not ever wanting to do anything she asked.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> I wish I could get the same result with my W. Last night she asked me to do three things in a row without even lifting a finger from her phone while she sat on the bed watching TV. If I said no to her she'll give me the guilt trip of me not ever wanting to do anything she asked.


I'm starting to see the problem is you. The way she orders you around while she's sitting in bed watching TV sucks. Instead of worrying that she'll end up with a husband who dislikes her or even leaves her, for some reason YOU are the one worrying about getting "chewed out". She's the queen and you are the servant.

You should have a frank conversation with her about how this dynamic needs to change, in whuch you _plainly show your disgust and anger_ at the way she commands you from her throne. So what if it makes her mad. Of course it will. The queen gets mad when someone crosses her and you sure haven't before. 

Nothing, absolutely nothing will change until you do this. Then follow up your one discussion with non compliance. 

It may be frosty for awhile. She doesn't WANT to treat you like a partner and with respect.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I'm starting to see the problem is you. The way she orders you around while she's sitting in bed watching TV sucks. Instead of worrying that she'll end up with a husband who dislikes her or even leaves her, for some reason YOU are the one worrying about getting "chewed out". She's the queen and you are the servant.
> 
> You should have a frank conversation with her about how this dynamic needs to change, in whuch you _plainly show your disgust and anger_ at the way she commands you from her throne. So what if it makes her mad. Of course it will. The queen gets mad when someone crosses her and you sure haven't before.
> 
> ...


Best next answer to her; no, kiss my butt, and make me a sandwich. Said kindly and with humor but firm, don't waffle.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> I wish I could get the same result with my W. Last night she asked me to do three things in a row without even lifting a finger from her phone while she sat on the bed watching TV. If I said no to her she'll give me the guilt trip of me not ever wanting to do anything she asked.


Guilt from her must be extraordinarily painful. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DawgFan79 said:


> I wish I could get the same result with my W. Last night she asked me to do three things in a row without even lifting a finger from her phone while she sat on the bed watching TV. If I said no to her she'll give me the guilt trip of me not ever wanting to do anything she asked.


Could you guilt yourself to grow a set? Is that possible?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kag123 said:


> I don't know your other post history but, I am guilty of doing this too.  There are a lot of reasons behind it, none that are really worth spelling out here. I made it clear to my H that he can say no at any time and sometimes he does. Then I just figure out another way to get the task done and we move along.
> 
> You can always say no. If she throws a fit about it, call her on it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


In my marriage, we are generally considerate to each other. However, I'm guilty of asking Batman to do things at times yet not in the same way or context as presented here. And not _that_ often - which no doubt connects with how he responds. Depending on my request, if it's not something he's down with, responses I have received range from 'No' to 'Why do you think it's okay to ask that of me?' to 'What's wrong with your legs?' 

And TAM may brand this next scenario a crap-test although I don't view it that way. We were in bed and I really wanted a green tea. Both tired, I couldn't be bothered doing it. Can you feel the request coming? Yeah, he knocked it back with 'You're hot... but you're not _that_ hot' and this had me laughing. I told him that I couldn't be bothered going to the kitchen. He suggested I forget the tea and just stay in bed. We ended up being intimate for several hours instead. Next night, I had my green tea and he saw my face screw up when I sipped it. Unexpectedly over-brewed, too bitter. He _offered_ to make me a fresh tea. I'd intended to just drink the one I had, but he got me a new tea. Amidst a bit of banter, I caught his slightly adjusted tone and facial expression and knew what he was thinking about. I replied 'Now let's go out there and try to make this beotch happy!' He started laughing, then cued up Chris Rock. Shortly after, more intimacy.

In summary, sometimes I'm a PITA. And I'm addicted to green tea.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I feel the need to express that for anyone reading the above who might not appreciate the way that we banter, he had also expressed admiration for something I had achieved. I had also thanked him for his support in that and specific things I appreciated. He also expressed how beautiful he finds me. And other such sentiments shared between us. Just thought I'd balance it out with this additional part of who and how we are together. I hesitated about sharing this, as I don't want to make anyone feel nauseous.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> In my marriage, we are generally considerate to each other. However, I'm guilty of asking Batman to do things at times yet not in the same way or context as presented here. And not _that_ often - which no doubt connects with how he responds. Depending on my request, if it's not something he's down with, responses I have received range from 'No' to 'Why do you think it's okay to ask that of me?' to 'What's wrong with your legs?'
> 
> And TAM may brand this next scenario a crap-test although I don't view it that way. We were in bed and I really wanted a green tea. Both tired, I couldn't be bothered doing it. Can you feel the request coming? Yeah, he knocked it back with 'You're hot... but you're not _that_ hot' and this had me laughing. I told him that I couldn't be bothered going to the kitchen. He suggested I forget the tea and just stay in bed. We ended up being intimate for several hours instead. Next night, I had my green tea and he saw my face screw up when I sipped it. Unexpectedly over-brewed, too bitter. He _offered_ to make me a fresh tea. I'd intended to just drink the one I had, but he got me a new tea. Amidst a bit of banter, I caught his slightly adjusted tone and facial expression and knew what he was thinking about. I replied 'Now let's go out there and try to make this beotch happy!' He started laughing, then cued up Chris Rock. Shortly after, more intimacy.
> 
> In summary, sometimes I'm a PITA. And I'm addicted to green tea.


His response was PERFECT. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> In my marriage, we are generally considerate to each other. However, I'm guilty of asking Batman to do things at times yet not in the same way or context as presented here. And not _that_ often - which no doubt connects with how he responds. Depending on my request, if it's not something he's down with, responses I have received range from 'No' to 'Why do you think it's okay to ask that of me?' to 'What's wrong with your legs?'
> 
> And TAM may brand this next scenario a crap-test although I don't view it that way. We were in bed and I really wanted a green tea. Both tired, I couldn't be bothered doing it. Can you feel the request coming? Yeah, he knocked it back with 'You're hot... but you're not _that_ hot' and this had me laughing. I told him that I couldn't be bothered going to the kitchen. He suggested I forget the tea and just stay in bed. We ended up being intimate for several hours instead. Next night, I had my green tea and he saw my face screw up when I sipped it. Unexpectedly over-brewed, too bitter. He _offered_ to make me a fresh tea. I'd intended to just drink the one I had, but he got me a new tea. Amidst a bit of banter, I caught his slightly adjusted tone and facial expression and knew what he was thinking about. I replied 'Now let's go out there and try to make this beotch happy!' He started laughing, then cued up Chris Rock. Shortly after, more intimacy.
> 
> In summary, sometimes I'm a PITA. And I'm addicted to green tea.


Yet another great example of a couple that can actually communicate even when not in agreement and everyone ends up happy. It is sad that everyone can't figure this out.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yet another great example of a couple that can actually communicate even when not in agreement and everyone ends up happy. It is sad that everyone can't figure this out.


Difference is that heartsbeating is not super defensive like Dawg's wife. This is occuring because Dawg allows her to get away with jumping on him and doesn't consistently call her on it.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

re16 said:


> Difference is that heartsbeating is not super defensive like Dawg's wife. This is occuring because Dawg allows her to get away with jumping on him and doesn't consistently call her on it.


Yes, but that comes with lots of time and comfort with each other and openly communicating. I don't think it is an accident or dumb luck.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Yes, but that comes with lots of time and comfort with each other and openly communicating. I don't think it is an accident or dumb luck.


Fully agree, definetly not an accident when a couple has strong long term communication skills.... but Dawg has to start somewhere, he's had a long time of improper communication that lead to his predicament.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

So I’m back. Here in Chicago with the family for Thanksgiving. The constant order giving continues. She guilts me for sleeping by saying “if you’ll ever get up you can go get me a latte.” It was only 8:30 am! Then she sends me back down to the restaurant to get her breakfast. How am I supposed to stop this without getting into a big fight?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

DawgFan79 said:


> How am I supposed to stop this without getting into a big fight?


You can’t, because what’s valuable to you is worth fighting for.

If I were in your shoes I believe I’d just name it and say no. For example:
HER- If you’d wake up you could get me a latte
YOU- That is bossing me around and until you can speak to me respectfully, the answer is “no”
HER- (hissy fit ensues)
YOU- (ignoring it) Are you done yet? That is still disrespectful and the answer is still “no”

A respectful request is not a demand. A respectful request is a true ask that allows for the answer to be “no”—sounds like this: “ Would you be willing to ____?”

Until you hear respect, let her hot air blow—it’s just hot air!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Do you ever just do something because you see it needs done instead of waiting for her to ask you? Usually women ask because you're not doing your share. How about take the wind out of her sails by doing things before she has a chance to ask? How about you sit down together and just make a list of things each of you is responsible for so there is no asking, but just doing? During that exercise, you can mention that you don't like to be told to do things that are solely FOR her, such as getting her a coffee, when she could do it herself -- that is, unless there are times she waits on you and does sweet things like that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> So I’m back. Here in Chicago with the family for Thanksgiving. The constant order giving continues. She guilts me for sleeping by saying “if you’ll ever get up you can go get me a latte.” It was only 8:30 am! Then she sends me back down to the restaurant to get her breakfast. How am I supposed to stop this without getting into a big fight?


Honestly, this is absolutely pathetic - of you and of her.


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## DawgFan79 (Nov 19, 2019)

kag123 said:


> I don't know your other post history but, I am guilty of doing this too.  There are a lot of reasons behind it, none that are really worth spelling out here. I made it clear to my H that he can say no at any time and sometimes he does. Then I just figure out another way to get the task done and we move along.
> 
> You can always say no. If she throws a fit about it, call her on it.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


But she assumes I’ll do everything she asks and if I dare say no then she says something like “I knew better” or “I’m sorry it’s an inconvenience.”


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> So I’m back. Here in Chicago with the family for Thanksgiving. The constant order giving continues. She guilts me for sleeping by saying “if you’ll ever get up you can go get me a latte.” It was only 8:30 am! Then she sends me back down to the restaurant to get her breakfast. How am I supposed to stop this without getting into a big fight?


Just ask her permission to stop. After all, clearly you're not willing to put your foot down and tell her no.

It stops when you say it stops, and your fear of it escalating into a fight is exactly what is preventing you from doing so.

You have nowhere to look but in the mirror if you truly want to solve this.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DawgFan79 said:


> But she assumes I’ll do everything she asks and if I dare say no then she says something like “I knew better” or “I’m sorry it’s an inconvenience.”


Dude: why don't you just stop with all this silliness of you trying to rationalize your wife's demands. You're a beta male afraid of her. So just accept that you are a willing doormat that will never do a thing to stop your wife's ordering you around and live happily ever after being that pathetic male doormat. This is what you have chosen to live by, so carry on accepting it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> But she assumes I’ll do everything she asks and if I dare say no then she says something like “I knew better” or “I’m sorry it’s an inconvenience.”


 A simple response will suffice:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then say nothing else, and go do something you want to do, out of the house and away from her.

You are allowing yourself to be manipulated.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Or one more, in case you need variety:

"I'm not okay with passive aggressive attempts to guilt me into doing something you want."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’ll do that as long as you let her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I would just ask her for favors also. "Could you pick me up * when you go to the grocery store next time?" "Babe, can I get you to hand me _*?"


I agree with this, but, let's face it, many men are more independent (in small matters).

And many men are laid back at home and are drama adverse.

It is easier to just do it for yourself then to ask your wife.

Plus, in a mans mind if I ask for favors, (niceties) then the wife will fairly ask for them.
A wife, whom you resent.

When a person harbors resentment it is hard to be cordial and nice to the cause of the resentment.

More....

It is hard to feel love and to make love to a bossy lady and a female tiger.

Yes, it is easy in the beginning of a relationship, when much of that aggressive and antagonistic personality is overlooked.

After awhile, being bossed around leads to resentment, then to the man pulling away.




_KB-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Need I mention _'tone'._

Men's ears are finely tuned to the tone of the person talking to them.

Yes, as are woman's ears, and mind.

Much of this discourse seems to occur when one or both partners are tired, hungry or cranky, for whatever reason.
From there the drama escalates.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your wife is of low moral character. She knows you are conflict averse and that she can take advantage of you _to a truly dysfunctional, gross degree_, and she DOES IT. 

Any man I have ever known would be totally turned off by me if I did what your wife does and the relationship would have ended if I had kept doing it. Not that I ever have. A woman of character would never do what she does. Sorry if that is harsh but it is reality. 

You aren't going to be able to stop being her handmaiden without her pitching a fit like world war three. So what? Who cares? Your life will continue despite her reactions. Just exit when she starts her fit of rage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DawgFan79 said:


> But* she assumes I’ll do everything she asks *and if I dare say no then she says something like “I knew better” or “I’m sorry it’s an inconvenience.”


Why is this? May I venture to guess it is because you do everything she asks?

You know what? It's ok if she gets put out because you aren't in the mood to play step 'n fetch it. In fact, Step 'N Fetch It would be a good username for you. Stop being her little *****.

When was the last time you had sex?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

DawgFan79 said:


> But she assumes I’ll do everything she asks and if I dare say no then she says something like “I knew better” or “I’m sorry it’s an inconvenience.”


"Then if it's no inconvenience, why don't you do it yourself for yourself?"


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: why don't you just stop with all this silliness of you trying to rationalize your wife's demands. You're a beta male afraid of her. So just accept that you are a willing doormat that will never do a thing to stop your wife's ordering you around and live happily ever after being that pathetic male doormat. This is what you have chosen to live by, so carry on accepting it.


This sums it up. Either stop being her little b*tch or stop crying about it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

DawgFan79 said:


> But she assumes I’ll do everything she asks and if I dare say no then she says something like “I knew better” or “I’m sorry it’s an inconvenience.”


I knew better.....

Then why the hell did you make the demand?!


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