# The final acts of insanity and control



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

Hey,

Been a long time. If anyone wants my back story it's around. So I just needed to vent and I figured that someone on here has been through this. So here I go

Quick Backstory, I was well on my way to finalizing a divorce. It was a mutual divorce after my Cheating wife's multiple affairs. Most of the hard things were taken care of by the time the lawyers even met. It was going to be a "quick and cheap" divorce. Well it turns out that she only went along with this to screw me over once again. 

So all the paperwork was filed for the divorce, and a few months ago I found out that her lawyer had filed for a Separation and not a divorce. I was told "oh the separations becomes a divorce, it's just a matter of a couple pieces of paper". Well unfortunately Denial ain't just a river in Egypt and I was screwed again. Her lawyer keeps attempting changes and purposely delaying the divorce for no other reason than it makes my Ex happy. So here I am a year later and still tied to this lying piece of trash. The only time we talk now is fighting over why the divorce is taking so long. I want to move on with my life, and I swear at this point she is deriving some sort of perverse pleasure in having me still tied to her legally. I haven't seen her in months, and I avoid her calls and texts. At this point my lawyer thinks that only way to bring this to a close is to file a conventional divorce on the grounds of adultery. Unfortunately it will cost me an additional 15k on top of the 10k I have in this divorce. Anyone been through this here. A narcissist who refuses to let go, even though they were the ones who wanted to end the marriage originally? ps. Here's the kicker, last time I talked to the Ex. She went on and on about how her boyfriend hates the cold and won't go skiing. She tells me she is flying me to the Rockies to go on a ski vacation in Feb. Talk about balls. 
Ok enough venting. What does everyone think I can do here to avoid another tuition payment for my lawyers kid??:wtf:


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Have her send you the money for the ski trip, then send the money to the lawyer.


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Dragging on the divorce is also costing her money via lawyer's fees. What's her financial position? Does your lawyer think she may have any other incentive other than perverse pleasure? Do you trust your lawyer? Why didn't you file for a no-fault divorce yourself?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Maybe out-crazy her. Start calling her a random times and talk about pointless ****. Start acting clingy. Start showing up at her work place at random. Make her think you are off handle...Become the craxy ex women dread about...

**not entirely serious***


----------



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Dragging on the divorce is also costing her money via lawyer's fees. What's her financial position? Does your lawyer think she may have any other incentive other than perverse pleasure? Do you trust your lawyer? Why didn't you file for a no-fault divorce yourself?


She is a physician and pulling in just under half a million a year. So she could do this forever if she wanted. My lawyer thinks it is some form for punishment/retribution for asking for a divorce. She says Narcissists are the hardest people to have as client's or go up against. I didn't file the no-fault unilaterally because state law requires 18 months of separation before filing. I go the court route, current back log in my county is just over 2 years before I would be seen by a judge. Also, it cost way more that way. I wanted it quick and cheap. Instead I'm getting long and expensive.


----------



## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

How does she justify holding you in a marriage against your will? Is she still trying to get you to work it out or is she claiming you're the one holding things up at this point?


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Do you have the evidence for adultery? If she's raking in 500k a year, in the end won't you be splitting assets? If that's the case, wouldn't the extra 15k in legal fees be justified?

If she's a true narcissist (female narcissists are rare, but certainly many doctors have big egos!), then she will try to F with you no matter what you do. Keep thinking rationally and hang in there.


----------



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

LostAndContent said:


> How does she justify holding you in a marriage against your will? Is she still trying to get you to work it out or is she claiming you're the one holding things up at this point?


"She's busy" which is funny because she spends at least a week a month in some tropical local with the guy she was cheating on me with. I called her out on this, that if she spent some time not flying her boy toy around, the F'ing divorce would already be done. Crickets from her end. She knows she is the one holding things up, and doesn't deny it. As for Reconciliation, that boat left the dock over a year ago. She wanted nothing to do with me, and makes it painfully obviously so. It would be really funny that after all this time she has decided that she wants the marriage to work. Has anyone on here ever heard of someone who did do much to destroy their marriage, deflect any and all attempts to repair it, and to finally decide that they wanted the marriage after all after being separated and awaiting divorce a year later??? I personally don't think it's a maneuver to get me back, but to keep me on the hook to toy with as I suffocate above the water?


----------



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Do you have the evidence for adultery? If she's raking in 500k a year, in the end won't you be splitting assets? If that's the case, wouldn't the extra 15k in legal fees be justified?
> 
> If she's a true narcissist (female narcissists are rare, but certainly many doctors have big egos!), then she will try to F with you no matter what you do. Keep thinking rationally and hang in there.


6 out of 7 requirements in the DSM. She is a rare beast indeed and she is a textbook narcissist. My therapists told me that if I went back to her she would have me committed and drop me as a patient. As for payment I already receive 5k a month as part of the separation agreement for 3 years. Still paying off her bills she racked up on my dime whilst in Med School. Really don't want to add another 15k and another 2+ years to the tally.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you have children?

What made her lose her bearings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It doesn't sound like you have much of a choice unless you can somehow strike a nerve with her so that she wants to divorce. And from what I hear, egging them on is what narcissists want you to do. Don't let her pull you into her crazy world. You need to think long-term and responsibly. If you're getting 5k on top of an existing job, it sounds like you can afford the adultery route. Heck, maybe that would even prompt her to change tactics or start conceding. If she's a narcissist then obviously she is concerned about her public image.


----------



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Do you have children?
> 
> What made her lose her bearings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's my original story: 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/59059-did-i-go-about-all-wrong.html

As for kids, thank god no. What made her loose her bearings is the fact that she can't stand being with someone she has to love back. It was ok when we were together for most of the 14 years, but as soon as we got married I guess she felt that she couldn't be in a single relationship forever. I had 1 decent year of marriage, and then she started sleeping around. It also corresponds to the time that her good friend who had been dropped at the alter 2 months before her wedding, started going on a tear with vacations and multiple boyfriends "having an incredible time" without a house, a husband, and everything else that goes along with that. She consistently said she wanted that life, and how it must be nice getting a new sports car every 2 years.... I never took her seriously, but alas she was. She loves the chase and the feeling of new love without any need for deeper feelings. As soon as they come along, she dumps the guys. Good thing she found a guy who obviously is using her for everything she keeps doing for him. It's a perfect match, two shallow users.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Pay the money and be done. You were never in control of her during the affairs, you're not in control now that you are divorcing.

Once you're divorced it will be a cold new world for her. Maybe she might be able to manipulate her boyfriend(s) but will she never have control over you again. Your destiny should be yours.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RaisedGarden said:


> Has anyone on here ever heard of someone who did do much to destroy their marriage, deflect any and all attempts to repair it, and to finally decide that they wanted the marriage after all after being separated and awaiting divorce a year later???


Yep. All you have to do is read other threads. Affair partner drops the wayward spouse and "poof" they want plan B.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you talking to her about anything other than the divorce? Like trips, her boyfriend, etc...

C


----------



## RaisedGarden (Oct 24, 2012)

PBear said:


> Why are you talking to her about anything other than the divorce? Like trips, her boyfriend, etc...
> 
> C


Exactly. I have been keeping the conversations to the Divorce, financial concerns(she misses a few payment days here and there), and the dogs(have joint custody which she has only had them 3 days in the last 8 months). The only reason I know the stuff I do is because she uses it as an excuse to why the "money was late", and why she didn't respond to an important email for a week(I was away in Hawaii, Brazil, Caribbean.... with the POSOM, yada, yada, yada....). I'm not fishing, but she just has to get that little hook in me and twist when she does get my ear. I tried the whole "let's only communicate via email" and I didn't work. She would find "important reasons" to call. It's the Narcissism coming out, the 180 is like Holy water to a vampire with it. The harder I pull away, the more insane the reason for "contacting" me becomes. I just want my bloody divorce. Then I can be through with her.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

RaisedGarden said:


> Exactly. I have been keeping the conversations to the Divorce, financial concerns(she misses a few payment days here and there), and the dogs(have joint custody which she has only had them 3 days in the last 8 months). The only reason I know the stuff I do is because she uses it as an excuse to why the "money was late", and why she didn't respond to an important email for a week(I was away in Hawaii, Brazil, Caribbean.... with the POSOM, yada, yada, yada....). I'm not fishing, but she just has to get that little hook in me and twist when she does get my ear. I tried the whole "let's only communicate via email" and I didn't work. She would find "important reasons" to call. It's the Narcissism coming out, the 180 is like Holy water to a vampire with it. The harder I pull away, the more insane the reason for "contacting" me becomes. I just want my bloody divorce. Then I can be through with her.


You don't have to answer your phone, you know...

C


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I remember thinking throughout your original thread that your WW was pathologically controlling.

It seems to me that, if you manage to find a way to divorce her without going through the standard process and paying the extra money, she will find a way to punish you, probably for a very long time. If you bite the bullet and commit to the extra cost, she will seek some retribution, but it will probably be shorter lived.

She sounds like a person who simply will not be crossed. (Sometimes I wish that TAM weren't anonymous. I would like to know her name and hospital, so I can be sure to avoid her if I'm ever sick and in your neighborhood..)


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> I remember thinking throughout your original thread that your WW was pathologically controlling.
> 
> It seems to me that, if you manage to find a way to divorce her without going through the standard process and paying the extra money, she will find a way to punish you, probably for a very long time. If you bite the bullet and commit to the extra cost, she will seek some retribution, but it will probably be shorter lived.
> 
> She sounds like a person who simply will not be crossed. (Sometimes I wish that TAM weren't anonymous. I would like to know her name and hospital, so I can be sure to avoid her if I'm ever sick and in your neighborhood..)


There's always Cheaterville, when the Op's ready of course.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Why is it so expensive to get divorced?

Because it is worth it!!!

In your case I think the additional $15k is a very small price to pay. Ask your lawyer if there is a way to recoup the money from her part of the settlement. If she is the one dinking around, she should pay for it.

Document everything. Record with a VAR if it is legal, and if you have to meet her in person I would have a VAR even if it isn't legal just in case she goes over the edge. It would provide you with proof of who did what if she should make false charges against you.


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

RG, my line of work brings me next to ER doctors, you talk about ego. I thought that being a highway man chasing bad guys boosted the ego, nope doctor. You can't talk sense to them, different playing field. I def would not be talking to her at all. I'm not in your shoes so that may be hard to ignore. Imho I think she is toying with you. People that want out leave and find the easiest route, that was how I did it. What would be the point. I feel for you man pure bs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

RG

Pay the extra bucks and file for adultery

or

Goto her hospital where she works with a big ass sign that says

"My wife is a multiple cheater, all I want is a divorce. Her name is Dr XXXXXXX. "

or something like that.

I guaranty you the hospital will get upset. She will get upset and move forward.

What do you have to lose.

You still have the evidence???

Then use it.

HM

PS
If you do use the sign tactic please have a photo taken and send it to all your facebook friends and her family.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, piss her off at her work place..


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

may i suggest something RG...if she as as narcissistic as you state, and i am in no way disputing that fact, then i would suggest hitting her where it really counts her self esteem....next time she calls have a woman answer, not you, have the woman inform her that he is rather busy right now (with a cute laugh) and then hang up....this will anger her in ways you could not even imagine... the more she understand that you are getting on with your life the harder it will be for her to handle, what she is doing is toying with you, and more importantly with your emotions. the less she knows about you but only gets hints here and there, the more crazy this will drive her. just a thought, good luck


----------



## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Awwe man I should have thought about that. Do it man, that will burn like acid in a vein. Boom!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please be careful using tricks and schemes to get back at someone who suffers from the types of mental health issues your wife has.

Yes, if a tiger sh*ts on your carpet, you have every right to feel aggrieved. And whilst it might be within your capabilities and your rights to smartly rap said tiger on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, it probably would not be advisable.


----------



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Please be careful using tricks and schemes to get back at someone who suffers from the types of mental health issues your wife has.
> 
> Yes, if a tiger sh*ts on your carpet, you have every right to feel aggrieved. And whilst it might be within your capabilities and your rights to smartly rap said tiger on the nose with a rolled up newspaper, it probably would not be advisable.


Only you could get away with that 

I would out smart her a little, if she is a high earner now then you need to get her to agree either her or her legals that the debts are paid off and then it evens the field a little, once levelled and debt free, bail to another town and state, let her play with her lawyers and cut off yours, let her chase you around and do as much as you can to avoid her, just go no contact for about 6 months, pop up ask if D is sorted yet if no then underground again and let her stew another 6 months whilst getting on with life, she won't win, you just gotta stop playing the paying game, she wants you broke and penniless and doing this with lawyers will get you there faster than you know!!!

cut it off and get out and live a life man.

She wants to play, stop playing her game and go play one you like, she will want to D when it suits her simples.


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't bother hasseling with her. Just ignore her. If you date, just explain that on paper you're married to a mad woman. Eventually she must end it.

Do the terms of the contested divorce include alimony for the time she was in med school?


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

#1. Leave her alone, ignore her. That is the #1 thing to do. Playing games with her, even in a negative way plays right into her disorder. Even negative attention gives her what she wants. No tweets, FB, nothing about her.

#2. Live well. Take care of yourself.

#3. She wants to win. These personality types will do anything and everything to win. That is why you are in the legal dilema you are in with the D. This is her game to win. understand that. If she is really bad then she will kill herself or you in the process. I doubt she will resort to literal suicide or homocide, but she will do everything in her power to keep this M going. It is sick, but it is part of her disorder.


Ignore her. Live well. Leave her as soon as you can. She will postpone D forever.


----------

