# Signs of Cheating?



## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

I think my partner may be cheating on me but I know she wont come clean. Any way to find out? For instance, last night, I was invited to a BBQ/Music festival then uninvited after she decided to go with a friend. She said she would be home in the late evening and ended up staying out until 4am, after hanging out with her friend, her friends bf and his brother which I think has a crush on my partner. These types of things seem to be happening more frequently. Thoughts?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Check the phone. The phone knows all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> I think my partner may be cheating on me but I know she wont come clean. Any way to find out? For instance, last night, I was invited to a BBQ/Music festival then uninvited after she decided to go with a friend. She said she would be home in the late evening and ended up staying out until 4am, after hanging out with her friend, her friends bf and his brother which I think has a crush on my partner. These types of things seem to be happening more frequently. Thoughts?


eeek, that's the kind of thing that married couples go to with or without friends.

She's grooming or she's getting groomed.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You're the dude who left her at a party and she didn't come home that night, spent the night there with the same people she went to this BBQ that she uninvited you? 

I'd bet the farm she's cheating. In fact, I'm so sure about it, I'd buy another farm and bet it too.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

​


hubbyintrubby said:


> Check the phone. The phone knows all.


Not necessarily. She just makes plans with her friend, knowing the friend's bf's brother will be there, with no need to contain any incriminating texts.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

manwithnoname said:


> ​
> Not necessarily. She just makes plans with her friend, knowing the friend's bf's brother will be there, with no need to contain any incriminating texts.


Right...not always, but in most cases, phones hold the bulk of evidence of anything inappropriate happening.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

wxman3441 said:


> I think my partner may be cheating on me but I know she wont come clean. Any way to find out? For instance, last night, I was invited to a BBQ/Music festival then uninvited after she decided to go with a friend. She said she would be home in the late evening and ended up staying out until 4am, after hanging out with her friend, her friends bf and his brother which I think has a crush on my partner. These types of things seem to be happening more frequently. Thoughts?


Why would she uninvite you? I can see if it was just the two women, but it ended up being a double date. So I guess that is why.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

She needed a ride mostly to this event. She said, "you want to go?" then later said, "Im gonna go with (Stacy) now. You can come if you really want to?" Knowing how she knows me, she knew I wouldnt go.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I wouldn't really care of she was cheating or not. There simply wouldn't be enough there to keep me interested in a woman like you are describing.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> ​
> Not necessarily. She just makes plans with her friend, knowing the friend's bf's brother will be there, with no need to contain any incriminating texts.


Living in Egypt, the land of denial. Making plans, then uninviting her BF because her GF brother
who has the hots for her will be there.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

manwithnoname said:


> ​
> Not necessarily. She just makes plans with her friend, knowing the friend's bf's brother will be there, with no need to contain any incriminating texts.





manwithnoname said:


> Why would she uninvite you? I can see if it was just the two women, but it ended up being a double date. So I guess that is why.


It appears you think she is not cheating and she is cheating. Confusing.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> She needed a ride mostly to this event. She said, "you want to go?" then later said, "Im gonna go with (Stacy) now. You can come if you really want to?" Knowing how she knows me, she knew I wouldnt go.


You leave your GF to get drunk with another man that wants her.

You took her bait and let her go meet up with the OM again.

You do not show any signs of being able to mate guard your woman.

Sends the message to your GF that you do not want her that bad. That
you are willing to let another man take her behind your back. This weak
actions only causes a woman to loss respect for her BF as a man and
just strengthens her desires for the OM over you.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

What you are describing is called a **** test and I have no time for it. If she really desires someone else, ,even a little bit then I am done. I do not need to play games.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

by the way I should point out that there was no indication she was going to end up going out with the guys, she only claimed to be going with her friend, I found this out after the fact.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Yes, she’s cheating or going to cheat. Find a new woman. She desires her friend’s brother, not you.

A VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car would catch her talking with her friend, no?

How long have you been dating her? Has she met you family? Have you met hers?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

wxman3441 said:


> by the way I should point out that there was no indication she was going to end up going out with the guys, she only claimed to be going with her friend, I found this out after the fact.


Your just a roommates like before Sir, why do you enable your women. I speaking of you ex, it started with her going out to give drunk friends a ride. Then kept allowing your new partner to do like things, you know this is just like your marriage. And the betraying is on going.

Now you and her have house together 50/50 you say except she has a large student loan. But you need to be man your partner can respect. But for some reason you let then walk all over you.

You are playing the poor .... poor me game looking for sympathy from others your ex mom, and your partners friends. Just do what you know you are going to do anyhow, Kick her to the curb, take your losses and on your next arrangement set down ground rules. Be the fool no more.

You just seem to repeat you weak points in your relationships. To day is the first day of your new life. Sell the house and split what you have too.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Move on you are so young....


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

If she is your GF, she has failed the test. Treating you like this is NOT the sign of anyone you should be in a Long term relationship with.
Get a VAR, check her phone, if you REALLY want to, have a PI follow her on these nights.
Why DIDN'T you go -- you would have been protecting your relationship. You are letting HER set the agenda here, and YOU a not standing up for any boundaries.
If you did, after she didn't come home with you that night, you should have given her a one and only one warning that it was unacceptable and the next time she pulled **** like that, she would no longer be your gf. AND then the BBQ would have been that "last time" and you would be out.

Sounds like you don't care what she does -- you say nothing, you don't have her face any repercussions for bad behavior, etc..


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> For instance, last night, I was invited to a BBQ/Music festival then uninvited after she decided to go with a friend. She said she would be home in the late evening and ended up staying out until 4am, after hanging out with her friend, her friends bf and his brother which I think has a crush on my partner.


You were not “uninvited after she decided to go with a friend”. You were uninvited after she decided to go out with “her friend, her friends bf and his brother”. If it was OK for her friend to bring her bf, why would your gf be expected to uninvite her bf (you), unless of course it was really a double date with the brother being your gf’s date? Uninviting you in this situation is proof in and of itself of the changed status of your no longer exclusive relationship, as there was no good reason for you to have been told not to come. That night she wanted to be with her girlfriend, she wanted to be with her girlfriend’s bf, she wanted to be with her girlfriend’s bf’s brother, but she did not want to be with you. This is an indisputable fact. Case closed.

Look there is no mystery here. There is no need to do any research. She went on a double date with another man and stayed out until 4am with him. What more do you need to know in order to realize what is going on here?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

oldtruck said:


> You leave your GF to get drunk with another man that wants her.
> 
> You took her bait and let her go meet up with the OM again.
> 
> ...


Then give him step by step instructions as to what he should have done to avoid these scenarios.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

"I think my partner may be cheating on me"

You're kidding, right?


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

NextTimeAround said:


> Then give him step by step instructions as to what he should have done to avoid these scenarios.


Step one: Dump her.

Step two: Ghost her.

Step three: Sell the house.

Step four: Move on.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

manwithnoname said:


> ​
> Not necessarily. She just makes plans with her friend, knowing the friend's bf's brother will be there, with no need to contain any incriminating texts.





manwithnoname said:


> Why would she uninvite you? I can see if it was just the two women, but it ended up being a double date. So I guess that is why.





oldtruck said:


> It appears you think she is not cheating and she is cheating. Confusing.


I think she's cheating. The first quote I'm saying that she could still be cheating even if there is nothing on the phone. Second one obviously she didn't want him to go and ruin the double date.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

wxman3441 said:


> What you are describing is called a **** test and I have no time for it. *If she really desires someone else, ,even a little bit then I am done.* I do not need to play games.


Not really. You'll hang on. 

You know what's up


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

wxman3441 said:


> What you are describing is called a **** test and I have no time for it. If she really desires someone else, ,even a little bit then I am done. I do not need to play games.


Is there ever any confrontation? I mean one time she stays out drunk overnight at a house with 2 guys and doesn't return until 11 the next day. Then she does this and comes home at 4am? The signs are all around and you even see them yourself or else you wouldn't be here. Even at the very least,a responsible,loving partner wouldn't do these things.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Ugh, I see posts saying "why do you LET your partner do ...?!" and I think, WTF, honestly.

The thing is, if this was the person for you, you wouldn't be struggling so much. People go out without their partners all the time, but when it's all above board, a reasonable partner isn't left feeling like you are feeling. Her making you feel she didn't want you there is all you need to know. I had that happen to me and it was exactly what I thought it was (though I wasn't ready to see it yet), so my advice is to trust your gut.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Top sign of cheating is hiding the phone. If the guy has a crush on her, and she gets involved with him emotionally, she's going to want to be in contact with him a lot. It will be a marked difference in the amount of time on the phone messaging, she'll do it in front of you but will keep the screen away from you. She might get very clingy with it, like it was an appendage attached to her hand, brings it in the bathroom with her. Some cheaters even sleep with it under their beds.

Second sign of cheating is behavior. She'll be cold, distant, annoyed by you, frustrated by you. Again, it will be a marked difference from the past.

Knowing a guy crushes on her, and she wants to be with him. Let me ask about yourself - if there is a woman who crushes on you, do you try to be with her, or avoid her? If the sibling of a friend, do you say something to the friend, like let your sibling know I'm not interested?

Cheating involves lying and secrecy. Like when she is with a bunch of guys, but she had only told you it was her one female friend, and even if it was a surprise (not likely), she still says nothing about it to you. Any big differences - starting to stay out all night, or late, or more frequently, when you used to be asked but now never get asked. Too many signs to write here, but I hope you get the idea.

If she's starting to be physical with him, she'll pick up her game - lose weight, exercise, grooming, sexier clothes, lingerie, maybe even a secret stash of condoms. Though most cheaters don't use protection. Changes in sexual frequency - increase or decrease - also could be a sign. Sometimes they get hornier when cheating and the partner benefits, even if she might be thinking about the other guy during it. Many women can't be in love with two men at once, i.e., the infatuation phase, so you might hear "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you." After six years, I'm guessing there's not much infatuation left, probably was squeezed out of that long ago. Many women cheaters love to feel strongly desired, they love the attention, it makes them feel young and alive, and very feminine. It's all about those kinds of feelings for many of the cheaters, and this they call "in love." As opposed to the partner who deals with all the financial, chores, kids, family stuff. The cheaters only have to tell each other how hot they both are, and say how much they love each other. No chores, finances, etc., etc. Cheating is an escape. It is like an addiction. Any one sign is not that meaningful, but if there are multiple signs and the changes are all trending in the same (negative) direction, the more likely she is cheating.

To catch her, the best thing is to keep you mouth shut and your eyes and ears open. If it is just getting started, you will see it happen more and more - whatever the signs. Stuff like looking at her phone is a huge way to find out, but just don't get caught snooping, or she will change to to a different method of cheating.

You mention that if she cheats, she will never tell you. I think that's most cheaters, but you are thinking of a lifetime committment - and that's how you think of her - the type who would never come clean on her own.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> She needed a ride mostly to this event. She said, "you want to go?" then later said, "Im gonna go with (Stacy) now. You can come if you really want to?" Knowing how she knows me, she knew I wouldnt go.


* You can bet your lucky stars that she was being ridden alright ~ kind of like a pack mule!

Rode hard and put up wet!

And trust me! It's far from being her first time at this type of rodeo!*


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

wxman3441 said:


> I think my partner may be cheating on me but I know she wont come clean. Any way to find out? For instance, last night, I was invited to a BBQ/Music festival then uninvited after she decided to go with a friend. She said she would be home in the late evening and ended up staying out until 4am, after hanging out with her friend, her friends bf and his brother which I think has a crush on my partner. These types of things seem to be happening more frequently. Thoughts?



We have given you advice on your two threads now. Time to end this relationship and move on with life.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> If she is your GF, she has failed the test.


To be honest, *HE failed the test.* Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her,* then it's his fault*. Not hers. 
He has let her disrespect him so many times. If he doesn't "care" about himself, why would she?? 

To even think that now she's being attracted to someone else, yet to him it sounds like it's something bad but not big of a deal, because he hasn't acted or done anything meaningful to stop her stupid actions.



> Get a VAR, check her phone, if you REALLY want to, have a PI follow her on these nights.


He doesn't need any VAR or a PI. Even if she's not cheating, *the disrespect alone* (from what I read in this and other threads of OP) is *ENOUGH to dump her. *

If after all these, he's still with her, then the problem is him, not her. Sorry.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> To be honest, *HE failed the test.* Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her,* then it's his fault*. Not hers.
> He has let her disrespect him so many times. If he doesn't "care" about himself, why would she??
> 
> To even think that now she's being attracted to someone else, yet to him it sounds like it's something bad but not big of a deal, because he hasn't acted or done anything meaningful to stop her stupid actions.
> ...


To be fair, it (the problem) is the lot of them; him, her, her friends and family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> I think my partner may be cheating on me but I know she wont come clean. Any way to find out? For instance, last night, I was invited to a BBQ/Music festival then uninvited after she decided to go with a friend. She said she would be home in the late evening and ended up staying out until 4am, after hanging out with her friend, her friends bf and his brother which I think has a crush on my partner. These types of things seem to be happening more frequently. Thoughts?


And you were uninvited.

That's really all we need to know. Yes. Cheating is happening. Sorry.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> To be honest, *HE failed the test.* Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her,* then it's his fault*. Not hers.
> He has let her disrespect him so many times. If he doesn't "care" about himself, why would she??
> 
> To even think that now she's being attracted to someone else, yet to him it sounds like it's something bad but not big of a deal, because he hasn't acted or done anything meaningful to stop her stupid actions.
> ...


At least your don’t mix words. You believe it the betrayed partner fault that they get cheated on. 

Or is it only when the female is cheating in your view.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ABHale said:


> At least your don’t mix words. You believe it the betrayed partner fault that they get cheated on.
> 
> Or is it only when the female is cheating in your view.


I'm not sure if I understand this post of yours, but I didn't say it's the BS fault for (possibly) being cheated on. I meant to say that whether she's cheating OR NOT, the disrespect she's shown soooo many times to the OP, doesn't justify the OP's passivity in letting that disrespect happening over and over again. 

She could be cheating, (we don't know for sure. I wouldn't jump in to say that she is)... but does it matter at this point? 
OP is not doing anything to either LEAVE HER or make her understand that he can't put up with her b*llsh*t. 
He's not drawing any line in the sand. He's just watching like a spectator.... as if it's not him that she's disrespecting (or cheating).

_"You fool me once, shame on you. *You fool me twice, shame on me*"_.

At this point, shame on him, not because she might be cheating (that's her fault) but because HE'S STILL STAYING and doing NOTHING to change this situation.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

lovelygirl said:


> To be honest, *HE failed the test.* Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her,* then it's his fault*. Not hers.
> He has let her disrespect him so many times. If he doesn't "care" about himself, why would she??
> 
> To even think that now she's being attracted to someone else, yet to him it sounds like it's something bad but not big of a deal, because he hasn't acted or done anything meaningful to stop her stupid actions.
> ...


I believe that she has been riding this new OM like a bronco busting rodeo star.

Though the OP needs to hide a VAR in the house and the WW car. Some BH need evidence
to push them out of denial.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

ABHale said:


> At least your don’t mix words. You believe it the betrayed partner fault that they get cheated on.
> 
> Or is it only when the female is cheating in your view.





lovelygirl said:


> I'm not sure if I understand this post of yours, but I didn't say it's the BS fault for (possibly) being cheated on. I meant to say that whether she's cheating OR NOT, the disrespect she's shown soooo many times to the OP, doesn't justify the OP's passivity in letting that disrespect happening over and over again.
> 
> She could be cheating, (we don't know for sure. I wouldn't jump in to say that she is)... but does it matter at this point?
> OP is not doing anything to either LEAVE HER or make her understand that he can't put up with her b*llsh*t.
> ...


First fault:

I read it as he failed to dump her.

Second and third faults:

The OP failed to mate guard his GF at least two times.
Which I believe that the OM banged her those two times.

Fourth fault:

The fault for cheating is on the GF.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lovelygirl said:


> I'm not sure if I understand this post of yours, but I didn't say it's the BS fault for (possibly) being cheated on. I meant to say that whether she's cheating OR NOT, the disrespect she's shown soooo many times to the OP, doesn't justify the OP's passivity in letting that disrespect happening over and over again.
> 
> She could be cheating, (we don't know for sure. I wouldn't jump in to say that she is)... but does it matter at this point?
> OP is not doing anything to either LEAVE HER or make her understand that he can't put up with her b*llsh*t.
> ...


I misread your post. Sorry about that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> by the way I should point out that there was no indication she was going to end up going out with the guys, she only claimed to be going with her friend, I found this out after the fact.


OP,

Yeah, but dude, make no mistake. SHE knew in advance.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ABHale said:


> At least your don’t mix words. You believe it the betrayed partner fault that they get cheated on.
> 
> Or is it only when the female is cheating in your view.


I get what she is saying.

He is being a bit of a door mat. He could tell her to shake her faithless behind on down the road because her behavior doesn't pass the boyfriend test, not to mention the husband test, but he is still with her.

Girls, I hesitate to call them women, who behaved this way had no real shot with me and I will admit to bedding quite a few of them though I tried to avoid the ones who were involved with someone or married.


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

Reading through this post, it sounds like this isn't the first time for this kind of behavior, and yet you (wxman3441) keep hanging on. It's hard to let go sometimes. It's unpleasant and scary. I know because I've been there. There is no need to come here and ask if she's cheating. You've got to be pretty sure she is, but you keep talking yourself out of believing it. You need to see or hear hard evidence that you can't deny. Only when you get that will you be convinced that you should make a move. I used a recorder when my husband was having an affair. I knew he was doing it, but I had to be absolutely sure. I got what I wanted I guess. It's better to know for sure than to keep burying your head in the sand.

I also agree with lovelygirl, even if she wasn't actually cheating, she has no respect for you. Do you really want to live like that?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

wxman3441 said:


> What you are describing is called a **** test and I have no time for it. *If she really desires someone else, even a little bit then I am done*. I do not need to play games.


 Then you are definitely done. Now it's time to act like it.

You're two for two with the same guy both times. Quit deluding your self and be done.




.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

wxman3441 said:


> What you are describing is called a **** test and I have no time for it. If she really desires someone else, ,even a little bit then I am done. I do not need to play games.


Exactly. Your partner sounds immature. Who the hell asks there BF to a festival then dumps that idea to go with friend? Time to roll out and find another that respects you.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

wxman3441 said:


> She needed a ride mostly to this event. She said, "you want to go?" then later said, "Im gonna go with (Stacy) now. You can come if you really want to?" Knowing how she knows me, she knew I wouldnt go.


She wanted to go with you for the ride. Once she learned that her lover would be there, she switched to “going with Stacy” so they can double date.

Why was she out until 4AM? What BBQ/music festival goes on that late?

The only thing open at 4AM is legs.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lovelygirl said:


> To be honest, *HE failed the test.* Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her,* then it's his fault*. Not hers.
> He has let her disrespect him so many times. If he doesn't "care" about himself, why would she??
> 
> To even think that now she's being attracted to someone else, yet to him it sounds like it's something bad but not big of a deal, because he hasn't acted or done anything meaningful to stop her stupid actions.
> ...


Yes, he takes some blame by being trusting, caring, and NOT giving her repercussion for her actions.
HE IS NOT to blame or failed ANY test when it comes to HER cheating. That is on her and her alone. It is NOT his fault, sorry but you are wrong.
You think that he "knew" her and that she was a cheater, its HIS fault? NO FREAKING way.
Did he allow her to disrespect him, yes, and that is the only place where he failed. Sorry.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Yes, he takes some blame by being trusting, caring, and NOT giving her repercussion for her actions.
> HE IS NOT to blame or failed ANY test when it comes to HER cheating. That is on her and her alone. It is NOT his fault, sorry but you are wrong.
> You think that he "knew" her and that she was a cheater, its HIS fault? NO FREAKING way.
> Did he allow her to disrespect him, yes, and that is the only place where he failed. Sorry.


 oh God.

Can't you see that you are repeating what I said in other words??
I didn't' say it's his fault for her cheating, I said it's his fault for allowing her to continuously disrespect him. 

Next time, try to be an attentive reader.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And there is no divorce to worry about, so there is that.
@wxman3441 see a lawyer who has links to an accountant with expertise in this area and get the womanchild out of your life before she causes you any more damage.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

lovelygirl said:


> oh God.
> 
> Can't you see that you are repeating what I said in other words??
> I didn't' say it's his fault for her cheating, I said it's his fault for allowing her to continuously disrespect him.
> ...


Actually, if YOU attentively read what YOU WROTE, you DID blame him. Until you clarified in your post (#34) to @ABHale, it was very easy to interpret what you said this way @ABHale did also).

"To be honest, HE failed the test. Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her, *then it's his fault*."

You are saying it's HIS fault because he didn't realize she was a cheater. THAT is very easy to interpret that way (and you can eye roll all you want). Next time, perhaps construct your sentences in a clear fashion.

You would be much more of a "lovelygirl" if you could learn to defend your position without resorting to sarcasm and being snarky.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

wxman3441 said:


> What you are describing is called a **** test and I have no time for it. If she really desires someone else, ,even a little bit then I am done. I do not need to play games.


I absolutely *AGREE *with you.

*Finally,* someone who GETS the simple concept that if you have to _*force*_ or _*control*_ a woman's behavior in order to keep her from cheating on you, then what have you really 'won?' A woman who would happily disrespect you in a heartbeat and go to the guy if only she had the opportunity? Such joy.

_That's_ what you'd be getting if you 'mate guard' your wife, Wxman. A woman who _still_ wants someone else, who _still _disrespects you and now, you can add on that she resents you as well for screwing up her good time.

Ooooh boy! Where does a guy sign up for a whole lot of THAT? 

It doesn't look like you're coming back to reply to all these posts, but I just wanted to add that if you're wise, you'll dump this lying opportunist on her ass at the most convenient curb you can find.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Actually, if YOU attentively read what YOU WROTE, you DID blame him. Until you clarified in your post (#34) to @ABHale, it was very easy to interpret what you said this way @ABHale did also).
> 
> "To be honest, HE failed the test. Not her. She's what she is and if after 6 years of being with her, he hasn't really gotten to know her, *then it's his fault*."
> 
> You are saying it's HIS fault *because he didn't realize she was a cheater*. THAT is very easy to interpret that way (and you can eye roll all you want). Next time, perhaps construct your sentences in a clear fashion.


AGAIN, you are not an attentive reader. 

*Go back to my post and attentively read that I emphasized* that "_I'm not saying she's a cheater..._" because it's true...we're unsure of this. We don't know if she's actually cheated, but we do know of her disrespectful actions towards OP.

So, again, read carefully next time. YOU think she's a cheater,* I don't.* 
So, don't put words I haven't said/typed. I think *she's enough disrespectful *that OM should have left her long ago, _without her necessarily having to cheat. _

So, again - read carefully this line here:
* OP is to be blamed for allowing so much disrespect, not because she might have cheated. (If she's cheated, that's worse for OP).* She might not have cheated but the flaws in her character have been there long ago and the way she's treating OP, have to do with her disrespect in the first place. 
Worse, if she's cheating and OP doesn't seem to be acting fast! 


> You would be much more of a "lovelygirl" if you could learn to defend your position without resorting to sarcasm and being snarky.


What if I told you that my username is _actually a sarcasm _and that I'm not here to act as a lovely girl?
:wink2:
So yeah, you'll learn to get to know people more and read between the lines.

Back on topic, any further comments?0


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

lovelygirl said:


> What if I told you that my username is _actually a sarcasm _and that I'm not here to act as a lovely girl?
> :wink2:
> 
> 
> Back on topic, any further comments?0


Nooooo!

My illusions are being shattered!:grin2:


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Nooooo!
> 
> My illusions are being shattered!:grin2:


:FIREdevil:

Oh well..., time to create new ones! :grin2:

Who knows ....this could be even better!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Signs? Obviously. The question is what you're going to do about it.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Thank you all for the responses, even though they were blunt and needed to be. 

We have talked about this and she know I will not tolerate it. She went to this BBQ with her girlfriend until 11 then went to a bar with a group of people until 3am but that guy was there. In fairness, I have been distant and moody lately, a function of my mental illness and her explanation is that I have not been the best company and wanted some space.

While I am not proud of it, I searched through her phone. She did admit to a friend she preferred I not come the other night. She has been complaining of how I am non social with her friends (I am quiet by nature though). I didn't see any evidence of cheating but maybe she deleted any damaging evidence - who knows.

We are going to counseling next week. It has been a long time coming.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> Thank you all for the responses, even though they were blunt and needed to be.
> 
> We have talked about this and she know I will not tolerate it. She went to this BBQ with her girlfriend until 11 then went to a bar with a group of people until 3am but that guy was there. In fairness, I have been distant and moody lately, a function of my mental illness and her explanation is that I have not been the best company and wanted some space.
> 
> ...


Why go to counseling, waste time and money? 

She's not that into you anymore. Why bother??? What's worth saving here??


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I absolutely *AGREE *with you.
> 
> *Finally,* someone who GETS the simple concept that if you have to _*force*_ or _*control*_ a woman's behavior in order to keep her from cheating on you, then what have you really 'won?' A woman who would happily disrespect you in a heartbeat and go to the guy if only she had the opportunity? Such joy.
> 
> ...


Mate guarding is not forcing a wife to do anything.

Mate guarding is to warn off interlopers. OM want easy prey. They see a weak man
that will not mate guard his wife/GF they are like a shark where blood is in the water.


Setting respectful boundaries is mate guarding. Women see doormats as weak and 
that causes them to lose respect for their current man, which causes them to reduce
their sexual desire for him. Compared to the OM that lets it be known he takes what
he wants.


Mate guarding is setting boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries.

Refuse to go home and get drunk with the OM till 4 am.

Means she banged the OM.

Cancel on the BH to go out with the GF, GFBF, and her as the date for the BGBFB then
not come home the next day till 11 am. Why? Because there were no consequences
or mate guarding after that first night.

No consequences means the BH is weak, so she banged the OM at least once before going
to sleep, then the reason for getting home at 11 am the next day was to bang the
OM one more time when they woke up.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> Thank you all for the responses, even though they were blunt and needed to be.
> 
> We have talked about this and she know I will not tolerate it. She went to this BBQ with her girlfriend until 11 then went to a bar with a group of people until 3am but that guy was there. In fairness, I have been distant and moody lately, a function of my mental illness and her explanation is that I have not been the best company and wanted some space.
> 
> ...


WW logic false justifying why she left her BF home. To cover the reason so she can
be all over the OM. Sure I am partying with the OM. My BF never wants to have fun
she justifies to the others there.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

wxman3441 said:


> Thank you all for the responses, even though they were blunt and needed to be.
> 
> We have talked about this and she know I will not tolerate it. She went to this BBQ with her girlfriend until 11 then went to a bar with a group of people until 3am but that guy was there. In fairness, I have been distant and moody lately, a function of my mental illness and her explanation is that I have not been the best company and wanted some space.
> 
> ...


You are justifying her actions by your admission of being distant and moody, when her actions probably caused you to be distant and moody.

Again, you won't necessarily find evidence of cheating on her phone, she has her friend to set up the dates.

In my opinion counselling is for other issues, not her actively seeking to be with someone else.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Don't know if she works but if she does be looking for her to start coming home late from work . If she doesn't work look for her to start taking off . Don't stop watching her phone . She is doing something with this guy or others .


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

oldtruck said:


> Mate guarding is not forcing a wife to do anything.
> 
> Mate guarding is to warn off interlopers. OM want easy prey. *They see a weak man
> that will not mate guard his wife/GF* they are like a shark where blood is in the water.


yep!! 



> Setting respectful boundaries is mate guarding. Women see doormats as weak and
> *that causes them to lose respect for their current man, which causes them to reduce
> their sexual desire for him. Compared to the OM that lets it be known he takes what
> he wants.*


QFT!!!!! :smthumbup::thumbup:
I'd never see a doormat as a man, let alone my man, let alone have sexual desires about him. 




> Mate guarding is setting boundaries and consequences for breaking those boundaries.
> 
> Refuse to go home and get drunk with the OM till 4 am.
> 
> ...


Totally!!!! 



> No consequences means the BH is weak, so she banged the OM at least once before going
> to sleep, then the reason for getting home at 11 am the next day was to bang the
> OM one more time when they woke up.


No other posts are needed after this one.

Thread can be closed! :grin2:


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@wxman3441, I think her going out socially without you needs to be off the table until you get your issues resolved. She is an affair waiting to happen. (If it didn’t happen already)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"I am going to cheat on my spouse because he/she is mentally ill/has a physical disability" said no decent spouse, ever.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Nooooo!
> 
> My illusions are being shattered!:grin2:


Shattered also, I thought you were smart enough to see the evil behind her avatar.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> Shattered also, I thought you were smart enough to see the evil behind her avatar.


Nope. She got me!:grin2:


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@wxman3441

Any update? The "not wanting you to go" is worrisome at the least, but honestly, I think she's got something going on with this guy. It's not a coincidence both "mistakes" are with him.


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

As far as an update:

I don't think she has messed around with the guy in question (her best friend's boyfriends brother). I just don't see overwhelming evidence. That said, her actions certainty are not appropriate. My biggest issue was that she was essentially ditching me to hang out with questionable people. The reason they are questionable is that her best friend's boyfriend has physically abused her in the past and ironically it happened again last night. When these incidents happen, the brother (the one who may be interested in my lady) seems to support his brother. 

My partner's actions have been erratic lately and she claims it is due to my change in mood. I admit there has been a change in mood but I don't think I am deserving of some of the things that are happening. For instance last night, her best friend, after getting hit, stayed with us having drinks and my partner and her did a line of coke in the bathroom. I am fine with drinking and smoking but cocaine is not something I like. They were even teasing going on vacation together in Cuba, which I wouldn't be comfortable with since her best friend can be quite promiscuous, even when in a relationship.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

wxman3441 said:


> As far as an update:
> 
> I don't think she has messed around with the guy in question (her best friend's boyfriends brother). I just don't see overwhelming evidence. That said, her actions certainty are not appropriate. My biggest issue was that she was essentially ditching me to hang out with questionable people. The reason they are questionable is that her best friend's boyfriend has physically abused her in the past and ironically it happened again last night. When these incidents happen, the brother (the one who may be interested in my lady) seems to support his brother.
> I think you are being naive here. She spent the night with him, and ditched you for him. If it's not a PA (I'd bet on it being one) it certainly is an EA.
> ...


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

OP-

There are over 7 billion people on this planet.

Roughly half are women.

A significant percentage of them are in your age range and are unattached.

Do you really think that you can't find a better woman than the one you are involved with?
Don't you ever think about cutting your losses? Why should you sink more time, effort, money, emotion, etc. into this relationship? 

Do you really think you can't do better?

I know you can.

Break it off before you sink even more into this relationship.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This isn't a court of law and you don't need a smoking gun or concrete evidence. You just walk away.

You'll look back and wished you had.

I suspect you'll wallow in this and get walked all over.

It is your choice


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Dude wake up . She is cheating on you


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> As far as an update:
> 
> I don't think she has messed around with the guy in question (her best friend's boyfriends brother). I just don't see overwhelming evidence. That said, her actions certainty are not appropriate. My biggest issue was that she was essentially ditching me to hang out with questionable people. The reason they are questionable is that her best friend's boyfriend has physically abused her in the past and ironically it happened again last night. When these incidents happen, the brother (the one who may be interested in my lady) seems to support his brother.
> 
> My partner's actions have been erratic lately and she claims it is due to my change in mood. I admit there has been a change in mood but I don't think I am deserving of some of the things that are happening. For instance last night, her best friend, after getting hit, stayed with us having drinks and my partner and her did a line of coke in the bathroom. I am fine with drinking and smoking but cocaine is not something I like. They were even teasing going on vacation together in Cuba, which I wouldn't be comfortable with since her best friend can be quite promiscuous, even when in a relationship.


OP, let's turn the discussion into another direction.

Regardless of a possible cheating(supposing she's not cheating), what values do you and her have in common? Do you share common principles? Do you agree with how she looks at life/work/love/family in general?


Let's forget what you don't like about her now ... tell me ...what do you love/like about her in the first place that keeps you so attached to her?


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

She does coke with her friend? She's just like her friend, including the promiscuity. 

OP, you have had many smoking guns, but refuse to see them.

I would like to double down on my original bet of two farms that she is cheating.

Question for you: At the party, he had his hand on her back (which you agreed was a move) while you were right there. She's drinking and wants to stay even though you have to leave. Don't you think he escalated his moves? Probably cocaine involved as well. Then there's the BBQ....

Wake up please.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

What appalls me the most is that she does all these inappropriate actions in front of _and_ regardless of OP's presence in those sh*tty situations. 

She doesn't EVEN CARE whether OP is there or whether he might watch all these ... no no no. She couldn't care less!!!! It's like OP's never been there and she doesn't account him AT ALL!!!!

To even have the balls to act inappropriately in front of your SO with another person, means that your interest level is ZERO!!!!

So why would she care what she does behind OP's back??? She's already doing stuff in front of his eyes!

The problem is ... OP has got no eyes to see!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You asked the question. You got the answer. What you do with that is obviously up to you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> Mate guarding is not forcing a wife to do anything.


 Yes you ARE forcing your wife to do something. *You're* making the decision FOR her that she's not going to have anything to do with the Lothario buzzing around her. You're forcing an outcome and controlling *her* actions by eliminating her ability to choose in the matter.

Don't get me wrong - of course you don't _want_ her to make the choice to get with him. But that's not the point I'm making. I'm arguing that your"mate guarding" does indeed force your wife into not taking him up on his offer because you TOOK the choice away from her when you scared him off! How do you not see that?

This is the same thing as me scaring off the neighborhood troublemaker from coming into my yard because I don't want him befriending my son or influencing him in any way. Therefore, I've forced the decision _for_ my son that they won't be friends. It's simple logic. Except the difference in this scenario is that my son is only a 10 year old KID and doesn't know any better, but his mama does. 



> Mate guarding is to warn off interlopers. OM want easy prey. They see a weak man
> that will not mate guard his wife/GF they are like a shark where blood is in the water.


*Interlopers*? Where do you live, in some deserted compound out in North Dakota? :rofl:

Look, I get that men are territorial. I _get_ it. You all don't want other dogs chewing on your toys even if some of you don't want to chew on those toys yourselves. I get it. But what you're intimating is that the woman you married is so mind-numbingly stupid and so pathetically weak-willed, that she lacks the intelligence and/or the strength to simply say no to a man on her OWN merit. Apparently, she lacks the self respect, the self control and the intelligence to be able to turn down a predator, and instead, needs you to 'mate guard' her by scaring him off. Otherwise, she might very well do something really, really stupid. 

I'm just going to agree to *disagree* with you with this mate guarding stuff. 

Lastly, not "mate guarding" his wife isn't what caused the OP's wife to lose all respect for him. Sadly, his own complete lack of respect for *HIMSELF *is what caused that. A woman can't respect a man *who doesn't respect himself*. I'm sorry OP, but that's just a simple fact.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> .
> 
> Lastly, not "mate guarding" his wife isn't what caused the OP's wife to lose all respect for him. Sadly, his own complete lack of respect for *HIMSELF *is what caused that. A woman can't respect a man *who doesn't respect himself*. I'm sorry OP, but that's just a simple fact.


Yep! 
It comes down to RESPECT or lack thereof.

OP is away from respecting his own self, let alone to have expectations from her. 

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk


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## wxman3441 (Aug 30, 2012)

Little background on the bfs boyfriends brother who may like my partner (we'll call him Dave):

He has 2 daughters and they are friends with my partners daughter. She has him a phone contact cause they talk about logistics around the kids, which is fine. What's odd is that my partner always saves past messages from all her contacts but his past messages are gone. As a side note, the best friend broke up with her man due to another episode of domestic violence. This means, my partner may in theory have less contact with "Dave" now but we will see.

Also, she has been initiating sex way more often lately after weeks of nothing. I know lack of sex can lead to infidelity but an increase of sex seems suspicious too.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> Little background on the bfs boyfriends brother who may like my partner (we'll call him Dave):
> 
> Also, she has been initiating sex way more often lately after weeks of nothing. I know lack of sex can lead to infidelity but an increase of sex seems suspicious too.


Dude, can you read... EVERYTHING about your wife says that she is cheating and suspicious... 

Everything... 

The longer you choose to be in denial the worse it will hurt when you find out.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"What's odd is that my partner always saves past messages from all her contacts but his past messages are gone. "

If you can get a hold of her phone, you may be able to recover the messages/deleted items using software (like Dr Fone or one of the others -- others here can steer you in the right direction on what to get).


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> Also, she has been initiating sex way more often lately after weeks of nothing. I know lack of sex can lead to infidelity but an increase of sex seems suspicious too.


Best sex (every night - 40-60 minutes) of my life was when XW was bonking her best friend's husband. She was getting 4 or 5 orgasms per night with me and (usually) one every few days with him. The A (IMO) wasn't really about sex - it was about excitement, about danger and about getting away with it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

jlg07 said:


> "What's odd is that my partner always saves past messages from all her contacts but his past messages are gone. "
> 
> 
> 
> If you can get a hold of her phone, you may be able to recover the messages/deleted items using software (like Dr Fone or one of the others -- others here can steer you in the right direction on what to get).



Yes. 

However, just asking her why she deleted the messages while you hold her phone in your hands, and while telling her that you’re about to recover everything anyway...

The look on her face will tell you everything you need to know.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Amazing at what some will put up with.

Better hope you don't get a lifelong gift of an incurable STD


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Marduk said:


> Yes.
> 
> However, just asking her why she deleted the messages while you hold her phone in your hands, and while telling her that you’re about to recover everything anyway...
> 
> The look on her face will tell you everything you need to know.


I like it, but I'd do it AFTER I actually got/read the deleted messages -- that way you can see how much trickle-truth you are getting.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You said coke.........and you still want to be with her? That would be enough for me, screw the cheating.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

wxman3441 said:


> As far as an update:
> 
> I don't think she has messed around with the guy in question (her best friend's boyfriends brother). I just don't see overwhelming evidence. That said, her actions certainty are not appropriate. My biggest issue was that she was essentially ditching me to hang out with questionable people. The reason they are questionable is that her best friend's boyfriend has physically abused her in the past and ironically it happened again last night. When these incidents happen, the brother (the one who may be interested in my lady) seems to support his brother.
> 
> My partner's actions have been erratic lately and she claims it is due to my change in mood. I admit there has been a change in mood but I don't think I am deserving of some of the things that are happening. For instance last night, her best friend, after getting hit, stayed with us having drinks and my partner and her did a line of coke in the bathroom. I am fine with drinking and smoking but cocaine is not something I like. They were even teasing going on vacation together in Cuba, which I wouldn't be comfortable with since her best friend can be quite promiscuous, even when in a relationship.


If she isn't cheating I'll eat my wife's panties!

Oops! I already did. Guess you know my thoughts about it.>


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wxman3441 said:


> Little background on the bfs boyfriends brother who may like my partner (we'll call him Dave):
> 
> He has 2 daughters and they are friends with my partners daughter. She has him a phone contact cause they talk about logistics around the kids, which is fine. What's odd is that my partner always saves past messages from all her contacts but his past messages are gone. As a side note, the best friend broke up with her man due to another episode of domestic violence. This means, my partner may in theory have less contact with "Dave" now but we will see.
> 
> Also, she has been initiating sex way more often lately after weeks of nothing. I know lack of sex can lead to infidelity but an increase of sex seems suspicious too.


He might be paranoid and asked her to delete the messages?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> He might be paranoid and asked her to delete the messages?


Because the OM is paranoid that him and the WW will get caught.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

wxman3441 said:


> As a side note, the best friend broke up with her man due to another episode of domestic violence. This means, my partner may in theory have less contact with "Dave" now but we will see.
> 
> Also, she has been initiating sex way more often lately after weeks of nothing. I know lack of sex can lead to infidelity but an increase of sex seems suspicious too.


Sounds like OM is no longer servicing her sexual needs, so she’s back to you. Congrats!


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

wxman3441 said:


> Little background on the bfs boyfriends brother who may like my partner (we'll call him Dave):
> 
> He has 2 daughters and they are friends with my partners daughter. She has him a phone contact cause they talk about logistics around the kids, which is fine. What's odd is that my partner always saves past messages from all her contacts but his past messages are gone. As a side note, the best friend broke up with her man due to another episode of domestic violence. This means, my partner may in theory have less contact with "Dave" now but we will see.
> 
> Also, she has been initiating sex way more often lately after weeks of nothing. I know lack of sex can lead to infidelity but an increase of sex seems suspicious too.





CraigBesuden said:


> Sounds like OM is no longer servicing her sexual needs, so she’s back to you. Congrats!


Because the GF broke up with her BF does not mean the WW and the BF's 
brother will have broken up.

Though the GF may no longer encourage the WW to cheat with the BFB/OM.

GF could say dump the BFB/OM he is a bum like my ex.

WW may not listen because she has falsely rewritten the marriage history to
justify cheating, likes the extra attention and hot affair sex.

The GF may get back with the BF and then the GF will again cheer on the WW to cheat.

Also many a WW gets super horney during her affair and needs more sex than she
get from the OM due to avoid being caught cheating so she puts her unknowing BH
into a pu$$y-coma with an increase in sex with her BH.


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