# Wife hates my family and says I can't see them



## ben10plahmer (Jun 29, 2015)

I am in serious need of advice. I'll try and condense the story as much as possible. I've been married about half a year only. Shortly before the wedding my wife let it be known that she cannot stand my mom and my moms side of the family. She says my mom is evil and selfish and intruding. I agree my mom can be overbearing at times but I do not think she's done anything to warrant the extreme hatred my wife has for her. My grandpa died the day before my wedding and my wife got mad at me because I was at the hospital and my mom was there... So anyways I haven't seen my mom or that side of the family in months. My wife says I need to pick her or them. All my mom wants is to be involved with her sons life. My wife has said my mom will never be allowed to see my kids. She's not allowed to come to our house. I just feel awful about totally shutting my family out of my life and I don't think it's right. But I'm married and I know my wife should be number one so I don't see my family. My wife saw me texting my mom once and that day she locked me out of the house she got so mad. So anyways I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry your are here with a serious matter. Why your wife cannot stand your family? what your mother does to her? I am not judging anyone I only wants to know specifically what your wife says about your mother. Sometimes , parents get too much involved in their married children and it ruined the couple relationship. How far are your from your parents? Besides you parents, do you have other friends who visit you? or you can visit? I think your wife is exaggerating. If you cannot see your family the way you want at least you can talk over the phone. I think your wife is over controlling you. This is type of domestic abuse. She wants to cut you off your family and maybe friends. She even was not supportive when you grandpa passed. This is a very selfish woman, she only think about herself. I don't see any future with you together if she does not change.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Get an annullement.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your wife is trying to control you. This is just the beginning, this is how abuse starts.
Alienate you from the people who love and support you. Tells you how bad those people are and how she is not going to let them have access to you. She is going to start insulting your mum and family because it hurts you. 

Get out while you can and count your blessings. Its not going to get better.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Was your "wife" always this way towards your famiy?

If not, what really changed?

Do not have any kids if you don't have any yet.


Good luck.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

she is threatening you : you have to choose , it is me or them! your mother will never see my kids!!, She is crazy, I hope you do not want to have children with someone who wants to keep them captive. Imagine having children who will never have the chance to spend a quality of time with grand parents, who will not be allowed to be happy of having an uncle, grandma and so on, or simply to say I have a grandma. I am sure you have other red flags, just put some dots together and run!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W missed the part where you marry the family as well. She is very controlling if she did in fact lock you out of the house for texting your mother. She needs counseling. As for you, until your W gets counseling her family is not to communicate with her or your child. Let your W experience what she has imposed on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ben10plahmer (Jun 29, 2015)

Like I said my mom hasn't really done anything THAT wrong. She can be a bit nosey at times but I've confronted her on that. I'm her only child and she just wants to be a part of my life which I don't think is terribly wrong..


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Friend. First it's the mother. OK your wife doesn't like her. What does that have to do with your her anger towards your Grandpa? Because Mom was there?

Tell you what friend you either let your wife know that her crap stops now an forever or your in for a real lonely rough life. Your wife needs to grown up PDQ and start acting like an adult. 

Your only married for a half year and you got this. What do you think life has i store for you a few years down the road? Not allowed to have a snack? Not allowed to watch TV? Basically you better speak up real clear and let her know she's gone too far and if she says she'll leave you, then poit to the door and let her know it's her choice and once the door closes, it's closed for good so don't come back. Then the ball is in her court and if she leaves then honestly you didn't lose much.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears we are not getting the full picture. What has your mother done to illicit such a reaction from your W?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears we are not getting the full picture. What has your mother done to illicit such a reaction from your W?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am with you. I want some examples of what mom did or said that made your w mad. Being nosy is vague. Also, I don.t think you w woke up one day and said I don,t want to see your family. What happened? please explain a little bit.


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## ben10plahmer (Jun 29, 2015)

Honestly there has been no major incident where my mom has wronged my wife. I was hoping it was just stress and my wife would get over it but it's pretty much only gotten worse. She threatened to push my moms car off a cliff...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ben10plahmer said:


> Like I said my mom hasn't really done anything THAT wrong. She can be a bit nosey at times but I've confronted her on that. I'm her only child and she just wants to be a part of my life which I don't think is terribly wrong..


How old are you and your wife?

You need to tell us what your mother has done that has your wife so upset. 

Why did your wife get upset that you went to see your grandfather? Was it because she did not want you to see any of your family? Or was it because your mother is there?

How does your wife feel about your father's side of the family?

Do you have any interactions with your wife's family?

Has your wife pressured you to drop friends?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

ben10plahmer said:


> She says my mom is evil and selfish and intruding.


Sounds like your wife is projecting, big time. She is not only dictating what kind of husband you will be, but also what kind of son and father you will be. 

Is that good, selfless, and forbearing?



ben10plahmer said:


> I agree my mom can be overbearing at times


Most are. And many people need good boundaries when it come to their parents. Especially after marriage. What she is commanding and demanding is overboard, absent a truly toxic mother.



ben10plahmer said:


> my wife got mad at me because I was at the hospital and my mom was there...


Of course your mom was there. Your wife can kick rocks.



ben10plahmer said:


> So anyways I haven't seen my mom or that side of the family in months. My wife says I need to pick her or them.


Nope. "You can pick US, with boundaries, or the door!"



ben10plahmer said:


> She's not allowed to come to our house.


Is it "OUR" house? Certainly doesn't sound like it. Sounds like you're allowing it to be HER house. 



ben10plahmer said:


> But I'm married and I know my wife should be number one so I don't see my family.


Nope. Sorry. YOU are #1. She is #2. Even if you believe your wife SHOULD be number one... who the h3ll ever said you have to stop counting at one!? She want herself to be #1 and everyone else to be zeros.



ben10plahmer said:


> My wife saw me texting my mom once and that day she locked me out of the house she got so mad. So anyways I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this.


Where is your anger!? Why are you putting up with this?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

ben10plahmer said:


> Honestly there has been no major incident where my mom has wronged my wife. I was hoping it was just stress and my wife would get over it but it's pretty much only gotten worse. She threatened to push my moms car off a cliff...


Okay, that's some seriously wrong wife.

Any spouse who would want to push your family out of your life is not a true partner. Any spouse who would want to KILL your family is a danger! Get away from her. Tell your mother to get a restraining order against your wife. If she is this bad now, after you leave her, she may very well go after your family thinking that once they're out of the picture, it's just you and her, exactly how she wants it.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ben10plahmer said:


> I am in serious need of advice. I'll try and condense the story as much as possible. I've been married about half a year only. Shortly before the wedding my wife let it be known that she cannot stand my mom and my moms side of the family. She says my mom is evil and selfish and intruding. I agree my mom can be overbearing at times but I do not think she's done anything to warrant the extreme hatred my wife has for her. My grandpa died the day before my wedding and my wife got mad at me because I was at the hospital and my mom was there... So anyways I haven't seen my mom or that side of the family in months. My wife says I need to pick her or them. All my mom wants is to be involved with her sons life. My wife has said my mom will never be allowed to see my kids. She's not allowed to come to our house. I just feel awful about totally shutting my family out of my life and I don't think it's right. But I'm married and I know my wife should be number one so I don't see my family. My wife saw me texting my mom once and that day she locked me out of the house she got so mad. So anyways I'm just looking for advice on how to handle this.


We can't know the details like you do but we can guess. Obviously either your mom or your wife are crossing boundaries but my guess is that they both run over you; that your mom is overbearing and your wife is overbearing because you married someone just like your mom. The common denominator is you Ben. Your wife and mother don't have to be around each other but for god's sake do not ever let either one tell you that you have to give the other one up.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

See your Mom without your wife and if she complains too bad. Your Mom isnt't going to be around forever and I can imagine how terrible you would feel if you never saw her and she passes away. Don't have children with her.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Given your wife's nature, you could benefit from exploring the themes expressed in "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.

I've been where you're at. If you don't draw boundaries of what behavior is acceptable now, you have a downright terrible life in store for yourself. This is not a side issue. You have to determine if your wife's domineering attitude can be managed or whether conflict causes even more strife and stress. 

I used to operate under the principle that "if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." The problem in my situation is that Mama didn't really focus too much on making Married Tex happy, even when I went above and beyond in meeting her needs.

If you're wife is outspokenly dictatorial AND she doesn't go out of her way to make you happy, you are on a path to sheer and utter misery. This is a rehearsal for the rest of your life. If you cave and let her dictate the level of interaction you have with your family, this attitude of control will seep into every nook and cranny of your existence. 

Two choices: Fix it now or "Run, Forrest, Run".


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

The wife is extremely jealous of the mother , I dont know why. I don,t understand why you even listen to her. You and your wife have to remember this "you mother, she is the only one you will have, but the wive or girlfriends only God knows. Now think again. you will cut relationship with your mother for a crazy woman who may not stay around for long?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm going to go against everyone here. I am 35 years married & my marriage is the first time marriage for the both of us. I was 22 years old and my husband was 24 years old when we married. I am Asian-American and my husband is Anglo-American. My parents in law were secret racists. 

To make the story short, when my husband was not around like in their living room when we were invited for dinner, unpleasant incidents would happen. My mother-in-law would glare at me hatefully and made derogatory comments. Mind you, this is a woman who only graduated from high school. I was a college graduate and teaching already and my parents were highly educated. She would make negative comments about my hair and my height. My father-in-law would make snide remarks also, out of earshot from my husband. When I told my husband about his parents, he would ignore me.

One day, I stood up to my mother-in-law and she ran to get her husband. By this time, I was at the end of my rope in my marriage and was ready to walk out. At that time, my husband had returned to the room and saw his father putting his finger on my face! My husband tackled him down on the floor. He didn't hit his father, but have him pinned down. My mother-in-law scratched my husband's arm with her long manicured fingernails. He just pushed her aside and we walked out. My husband apologized profusely for being such an idiot.

We did not speak nor had contact with them for 4 years as we moved out of the state. I never told my parents about what had happened as my father would have kicked my father-in-law's behind. They finally called us and apologized. It took many years to have a somewhat decent relationship.

There is something that your mother is doing that offended your wife greatly. You need to see a marriage counselor ASAP. I should have done that early on.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Ever try to make an habitually unhappy person happy? 

Only thing it accomplishes is making you unhappy too. 

So, unless you focus on your own happiness instead, the saying is spot on. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Roselyn, there are definitely times when cutting toxic people out of our lives is completely warranted. 

If mom is truly being toxic, that's a different story. My posts are assuming the OP is assessing things accurately. 

Fact that wife was so mad about the hospital incident, locked him out for texting his mom, etc (things that did not involve her) point to her being unreasonable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I am surprised I am going to say this but choose your Mom and find someone to marry that likes your family please. That was number one on my list: Her family does not like me.........it's over. She does not like my family...............bye bye.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

FWIW, my 9yo daughter has not seen or talked to her grandmother since she was about 5 months old. 

Because my XMIL is toxic. NPD at its finest. However, that was my X's decision. I first played devils advocate, then made sure she was sure, then supported her decision. 

OPs wife is not acting in a loving, respectful manner. Even if her feelings about MIL are justified, she's taking it out on her husband. 

Not OK.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ben10plahmer said:


> Honestly there has been no major incident where my mom has wronged my wife. I was hoping it was just stress and my wife would get over it but it's pretty much only gotten worse. She threatened to push my moms car off a cliff...


I assume that your wife threatened to push the car off a cliff with your mother in it. Is that right?

Why did your wife say this? Did your mother do anything? I'm not talking about your interpretation of things your mother did. What did your wife say that your mother did wrong?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

There's got to be more to this...much more. I hate my inlaws, and I don't see them - for your wife to feel so strongly about your mother, something must have happened and you're not telling us.

Locking you out for texting her is nuts. Requesting you not see your family seems unreasonable too - but again, we don't know the whole story. Getting angry because you were at the hospital when your grandpa died the day before your wedding is ludicrous too. But then again, your mother could have done either so many little things that your wife snapped, or one big thing that was so bad that your wife loses all sense of reason where she's concerned, and I can totally relate to that. My inlaws are horrid.

We need more info..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can only imagine what your mother is like to have raised a son who has ended up marrying someone who he lets treat him like that. I would bet your wife is just like your mother, and it's no wonder they don't get along.


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

Hang on a minute mate..... 
Are you telling us, that there was a death in your family, and not only did your new bride to be not Comfort you, but cracked the sh!ts!? 

You need to put your running shoes on mate and get that divorce dealt with in my opinion. You are aware of the concept of " divide and conquer". Sounds like she wants to remove anybody from your life that has the potential to show you who she really is. 

If there is no real justification for your new wife is hatred of your family, I would seriously consider holding off on having children until these issues are resolved. 

If you allow her to pu$$y whip you so early in the marriage...... Do I really need to finish this sentence? 

Good luck mate


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I had close to the same problem and thought I could manage it and it would calm down in time. It did not. It got worse. Do not have any kids with her ! Divorce her. Or face a life of obsessive control and isolation. Please choose divorce and file asap. Longer you wait the worse it will be. It's already obvious your wants are of no importance to her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to make a judgement.

Is your wife's decision warranted by your mother's actions? That's for you to decide.

Once you decide in your opinion who is right and who is wrong, you either get a divorce or cut ties with your family.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

OP, does your wife have problems or drama with other people? What about your mom, lots of drama with other people?

Do you have any past girlfriends that had problems or issues with your mom? It doesn't even have to be a big thing, maybe they made a passing comment. Or is your wife the only one?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Um..... no. Just no.

Your wife of JUST SIX MONTHS wants you to cut all contact with your MOTHER???? She is already demonstrating signs of being a harping, nagging shrew.

Your wife sounds unstable and unbalanced (and quite possibly Borderline Personality Disorder).

Ditch the wife. Keep your mom.

Pursue annulment or divorce.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ben10plahmer said:


> Honestly there has been no major incident where my mom has wronged my wife. I was hoping it was just stress and my wife would get over it but it's pretty much only gotten worse. She threatened to push my moms car off a cliff...


Your W needs to seek counseling. Wanting to push anyone off a cliff is not normal behavior. We have not been told what you mom did to receive such treatment. 

Have you asked your W why she feels this way? I'm certain she did not wake up one day hating your mom.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

wrenn said:


> What the heck does cracked the sh!ts mean?


Losing your temper


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

My wife hates my parents to, told them they can't see the kids...etc. I agree that this is how a bad, abusive marriage starts. I would get out of your marriage as quickly as possible.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am guessing she also doesn't like your friends? 

Probably doesn't like your boss and/or people you work with?

If your mom truly hasn't done anything wrong, then you need to stand up to your wife. Tell her that your family will forever be a part of your life. That if she doesn't like it, she can leave.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's nice to see this didn't spiral downhill like MIL/DIL threads can.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Are you "allowed" to have friends? Or has she started to pick them off one by one? Unless your mom has done something over the top awful, your wife is way out of line.


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