# Feeling uncomfortable/awkward having sex with my husband



## erinkcsmith (Jul 18, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 8.5 years. We're 30 years old and have been married for a year and a half. We have no children, but both work full time, work out after work, and have generally busy schedules.

Sex has been a problem in our relationship for quite a while now, but we've just ignored it. About 2 years into our relationship I developed a large fibroid tumor that made sex very painful. At first we tried to push through it, but eventually neither of us wanted to do it anymore since it was so unconfortable for me. Slowly other sexual activities began to dwindle as well. It has gotten to the point now where we basically don't have sex at all. I read recently that a sexless marriage is defined as one in which couples have sex 10 times a year or less. That is definitely us.

Before this I was an extremely sexual person. I was open, experimental, etc... and never insecure. In the beginning of our relationship the sex was amazing, we tried things together that I'd never done with anyone else and we were so extremely confortable with each other.

Now, because the sex has been out of the picture for so long, it's almost like I've stopped seeing him in that way. In every other way our relationship is great. He's my perfect match when it comes to personality - we're both very independent, fun, happy people and we rarely fight. This problem also falls more on my end than his - he's still as interested in sex as he's ever been, he constantly tells me i'm sexy but because of the long string of no sex I've started feeling extremely awkward about being intimate with him in that way. When he tries to iniate sex I'm almost embarrassed to let myself go and be turned on or act sexy. As a result, I coil up instead. Then, I start to feel bad about that, sad about what it means, and anxious about the thought of the next encounter. I'll also add, that 2 years ago I had the fibroid tumor removed, have lost 40 pounds, and gotten into great shape - so health issues are no longer a factor.

Finally this week we began talking about this seriously. I was honest about what I've said above and he was open about finding a solution. Our initial plan is to "schedule" sex for every Sunday in order to take the stress out of it. I won't worry that he'll ask and I'll say no, etc... we've committed to making Sunday a day that we ensure we've made time for sex and I've committed to following through even if it still feels weird to me at first. I've read a lot of things that say the best way to get sex back in the picture is to just do it, even if you don't feel like it, etc... This week will be the first attempt, so I don't know how it will go.

I feel like situation must be something that other people have gone through, but so few people are comfortable talking about it with friends and families because they feel like something is wrong with them. I am just looking for some advice or support from anyone out there who can identify with this problem.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I would try and relax and defuse the situation. Try a glass of wine and quiet dinner at home ahead of time. You need to try and relsx snd just let things hsppen as they happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Smith,

Welcome to TAM. I hope you will get many good advices here. So sorry to hear about your current predicament, it must be tough.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

You will find plenty of good advice here...

A little wine is always great, also a massage table and some nice scented oils....

The wife and I would go all out once in a while, make a platter of tropical melons, mango's pineapple, get a bottle pf sparkling wine, satin sheets on the bed, a sexy movie....

We would just make it a real event....Something like that might help you...

the woodchuck


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

You are already on the right path by noticing what is going on and wanting to make it better. 

The biggest thing is to have fun. Don't be afraid to go slow and explore each other like you have never been together. Time can have an impact on what things feel good, even if there is no health issues involved. 

I would encourage intimate things during the week as well. Hold hands, cuddle on the couch, touch, send each other texts or emails that are suggestive, hug and kiss each other. All of these things can stimulate those feel good, bonding hormones to be released, and help build up the sexual tension.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I commend you and wanting to regain that part if your marriage.

Perhaps in the evenings this week you could ask your husband if you guys could kiss, make out, light petting, etc, without the expectation of sex. No sex till Sunday but until then some deep kissing and long lasting embraces. 

Perhaps on Sunday you could go to lunch or dinner (without kids if you have kids). If you drink have a drink. 

These things will help re-establish physical intimacy.


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

I agree with everyone so far, a glass of wine, a lot of affection earlier in the day to build up the anticipation. I almost think spending time together with NO expectation of sex might help, maybe it's making you feel too pressured so you can't relax and have fun?

Are you two close/do you spend a lot of time together otherwise? Have you told him how you're feeling about it? I wish my husband would explain the reason why he never initiates with me... instead he swears he's interested/wants me and then does nothing. It starts to feel like there is just something wrong with me and he doesn't find me attractive. I would talk to him about this.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

erinkcsmith said:


> I've read a lot of things that say the best way to get sex back in the picture is to just do it, even if you don't feel like it, etc... This week will be the first attempt, so I don't know how it will go.


This is absolutely correct. My marriage went through a 2 year period with absolutely no sex. Many issues but in the end it came down to my wife's lack of emotional connection to me. We made an agreement about restarting the sex life and she agreed she would "go through the motions". That lasted for just a couple of months before she was really back into it as we both wanted. The lack of an emotional tie also was corrected shortly afterward. Start with a weekly schedule then pick up the pace.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Try Saturday instead if you both have to wake up early Monday morning and 'Sunday' really means 'Sunday evening / night'. You get to enjoy the waking up Sunday morning even more...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Start dating your husband. Do your nails, buy a sexy dress that makes you feel great. Flirt with each other - some eye contact and a smile go a long way to getting started. Go to a concert or ball game or street fair, hold hands, smooch on the street, smooch in the car, make out in the car, make out on the couch when you get home. 

Next time, go further with the making out. You might want to build up the tension by making out and stop. Or you might want to keep going and have sex. 

Whatever you do, remember how sex was this fun thing that you and your H couldn't wait to do, back when you first got together and fell in love. It's still fun, you just need to reawaken your senses and let him do the same.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sunday fun day sex day! Bravo for you! Sex is like riding a bicycle...

Sounds like a great plan! It would be like getting ready for a date with mr perfect, the date when you know sex is finally going to happen! Scary, exhilarating, nerve wracking... Save you legs, your pits, your p...., paint your nails, do up all the girly stuff, then just do fun stuff together and maybe the sex will be fabulous, maybe it will be awkward, but it's just a start. Next time it will get easier and easier. 

I think you might have a little difficulty allowing your arousal to fully build so your orgasms can happen. Thats okay, go with the flow. You have to groom yourself for arousal by thinking about sex, by touching yourself, by visualizing sex and remembering how good it felt back when it felt good. 

Good luck!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Try the 7 day sex challenge. Have sex every night for 1 week. Don't worry about being in the mood just do it. If you do try it let me know if it worked, so I can convince my wife to try it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> Try the 7 day sex challenge. Have sex every night for 1 week. Don't worry about being in the mood just do it. If you do try it let me know if it worked, so I can convince my wife to try it.


From TAM I heard it works.

There is a 30 days version - which will be more likely to work.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

treyvion said:


> From TAM I heard it works.
> 
> There is a 30 days version - which will be more likely to work.


I like it. Too bad I'm to much of a coward to ask my wife to do it.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> I like it. Too bad I'm to much of a coward to ask my wife to do it.


30 days is long enough to make it a habit and to build the hunger for it.

7 days may do it, but it's like going to the gym. Someone will start a new workout routine after new years, go a week or two, and give up...

After 30 days or 4 weeks, you have truly made it a habit. The hunger and drive will be reestablished.


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## erinkcsmith (Jul 18, 2013)

Thanks so much for all the great responses, guys!! 

Just writing that all out and getting support from other people really calmed me down yesterday. And, all the thinking about sex got me in the mood. I had totally not expected that since I'd been SOOO stressed about it just a day earlier. I think just talking about it with him really took the stigma out of the situation. And, while in the past we'd fought about it - this time, being older, more mature, and together for so much longer we approached it in a calm and logical way - as a problem that needs to be solved that is no one's fault, etc... there was no blame or guilt-tripping or anger. That made a huge difference in how I was feeling after we talked. 

So, I got home before my husband last night and I decided to surprise him by waiting for him naked in bed. At first I was a bit nervous and unsure and worried that maybe it wouldn't go as well as I was imagining. But, it was AMAZING.

We literally had the best sex we've had in year... YEARS! and I didn't feel weird or nervous or awkward at all. It was like rediscovering each other and myself.

It's only the first day, but it made me sooo happy and hopeful. It was like flipping a switch back on. I definitely am going to approach it like going to the gym or anything else I need to improve in life. I started losing weight and getting in shape starting in January, and in the beginning it was hard and I had to think about it and make myself work out and eat right, but after 2 weeks or so it became part of my regular routine and it's the first time in my life that I've really succeeded in this area (I've lost 35 pounds and feel AMAZING). After last night, I know that can happen with sex too. It just took both of us being in the right place in our lives and our relationship. This morning I woke up and realized how crazy I've been to be taking for granted that I can have awesome sex any time I want for my whole life. Geeeesh. 

Thanks again for listening! I'll update on how it goes moving forward!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Wonderful news! So happy for you and H!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

erinkcsmith said:


> Thanks so much for all the great responses, guys!!
> 
> Just writing that all out and getting support from other people really calmed me down yesterday. And, all the thinking about sex got me in the mood. I had totally not expected that since I'd been SOOO stressed about it just a day earlier. I think just talking about it with him really took the stigma out of the situation. And, while in the past we'd fought about it - this time, being older, more mature, and together for so much longer we approached it in a calm and logical way - as a problem that needs to be solved that is no one's fault, etc... there was no blame or guilt-tripping or anger. That made a huge difference in how I was feeling after we talked.
> 
> ...


Awesome! Im so happy for the both of you, and somewhat jealous as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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