# Marriage supposed to be 50/50 or 100/100??



## lynn3566 (Nov 2, 2017)

Been married to my husband for over 4 years now. We have 3 kids. He worked a min wage job back then not making great money, same with me. We split the bills equally back then. When I got pregnant with our 2nd child, he got a good job and after I had the baby we decided it would be better for me to be a stay at home mom. I did that for a little over 3 years. We started having fights about his hobby, which is spends a lot of time with, and a LOT of money on as well. I didn?t think it was fair that he got to spend thousands of dollars on this hobby while I?m not enjoying anything for myself (besides being a mom). Staying at home with the kids gets very stressful, lonely, etc while he comes home and immediately goes to his ?hobby room? and doesn?t spend any time with me, sits on his phone talking to all these other people that also have an interest in the same hobby. So after many, many arguments, he says I need to get a job so I can have money to do what I want to do. So, I did. Now I?m working, and I?m making enough to be able to afford my hobby. Well, then he states I need to pay $500 of the bills. That?s fine. We have separate accounts for ?our money? , we have a joint account for necessities like gas, diapers, clothes, etc. , then we have a bills account where all our bill money goes and we have a joint savings. So, he makes more money than I do. At least double. It?s not a set amount that he gets, which can cause some problems. 

So back to the $500 for bills. That?s what I pay, and I also pay half of the babysitter which is $270 a month so $770 a month total. Then I?m supposed to be able to use the rest for myself. And whatever I keep for myself, he keeps the same amount for himself to ?make it fair?. I?m so sick of my marriage constantly being about fairness and being completely equal. I believe we are supposed to be ?ONE?. But he will not support my hobby because it is costly. (Owning my own horse if you are curious)

Now that he is keeping more money for himself, our joint account and savings have been suffering. 

For example, he just had to pawn some of his hobby pieces to pay for some of the bills. He also took money out of the savings to put into our joint account. But he has new stuff coming in the mail all the time so he spends every cent of his personal money and now he has to pawn his stuff? It doesn?t make sense to me. I am the only one who buys my kids clothes, toys etc out of my own money, while also working on saving my money to make sure I can afford my future hobby. 

I just feel like we have all of our financial stuff screwed up. It is very hard to be fair to either one of us when one makes more than the other. 

But the main reason for me getting the job was to be able to support my hobby, and now it?s becoming a nightmare trying to get on the same page as my husband. 

We need financial guidance and advice, anytime I bring it up he is very defensive, gets angry immediately, and it becomes a big fight when I?m just trying to get a mutual understanding.

I know I wrote this very confusing but maybe someone will be able to help. Thanks!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What my wife and I have done. 

All income from both goes into a common account. All bills, combined expenses, things done together come out of this account. 


Then we each get an equal "fun money" allowance which we can spend on whatever we want (hobbies etc), or if not spent, gets saved. I have a very expensive hobby, so that is where I spend my money. She has meanwhile accumulated a large amount of money to use whatever way she wants in the future. We include car purchases above a minimal functional car (defined for us as a base Honda Civic). She now has a nice BMW, the difference in price coming out of her "fun money" pot.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

It can be however the couple agrees on.

In my case I have a joint account with my husband and we don't question how each of us spends money with, as long as they are not big expenses. Both of us spends a bit on things but we usually talk if any of us want to spend more.
Even if our incomes are not the same it doesn't matter because whatever we earn goes to the same account. Our incomes are the result of our different ambitions but it wouldn't make sense to leave the other earning less with less.


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## BeautyBeast (Feb 3, 2015)

he is an ******* and there is no easy way to resolve the issue
what i would do if i were in your shoes, i'd go work full time and let him take care of kids, so he would learn some growing up. Document every time he neglects them, every time they are fed with **** or get sick. You may need it if things get worse. 
yes, marriage is 100/100 but it won't work with angry and defensive partner. So, you have to protect yourself and kids.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

My objection to the 50-50 theory is that it's strictly imaginary. Marriages most places are essentially general partnerships, meaning each partner individually has full authority over all the assets and can bind the partnership to debt without consulting the other partner, meaning each partner is entirely on the hook for the whole debt. When you pretend that there's his money and her money, it's natural to think that it's no business of the other party what you do with it. It's not even a matter of being "fair." It's a matter of joint responsibility, which it legally very much is. And you have a more urgent problem in that it sounds like he's addicted to shopping. When you're forced to pay 240% APR pawn shop interest or sell for the very low pawn shop offers to support a habit, that habit is no longer discretionary, it's a compulsion. I'll bet he gets antsy if he doesn't have something on order. 

If this was happening in a business partnership, it would be a deal breaker and would end in one partner dissolving the partnership before they ended up in crushing debt not of their making. You need a resolution before you find yourself on the hook for a dozen maxed out credit cards and you responsible - not for half the balances - but for the entire total, the option being to have your credit destroyed, bitterly wondering if the child support will be late again. It's no different from any other marriage-breaking issue. The resolution is you agree to be the partners the law says you are. Good luck with that.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

What works for us, my wife and I have a joint checking and savings account and I have a couple of separate accounts alone.

I earn about 4 times what she does. She pays for her car and insurance and child care and day to day things for the kids, her cell phone, the cable and internet for the house and when she needs money I transfer money into the joint account. She is not very good with money, so she is limited to the money she earns. She basically pays for all her things and for the kids minor expenses that come up and I pay for everything else and am responsible for savings. She comes to me often needing money for big expenses and when she runs out of money, and I decide how much to deposit into the joint account. It frustrates her a bit but it works for us. This is a woman who spends all of her income and has zero savings. And she makes a good income, she holds a masters degree and is at the top of her field, she earns good money but she spends like crazy. When it comes to clothes for everyone I buy them, and I pay for all of her clothes and beauty things like hair, nails, make up, spa, etc. 

Someone has to take the reigns of the money in the family. You as a stay at home Mom deserve some extra money for hobbies or extras you deserve for yourself within reason of course. He also as the breadwinner should within reason spend some on whatever he wants, but as you described it sounds like he overspends on his hobby. Sounds like he needs a cheaper hobby!

I am here earning really good income and still use my 2 year old golf clubs that cost $200 when I bought them used. Sure I would like a set and could certainly afford it but I think about my family first and about savings and about how much we are spending and I make choices. Sounds like your husband needs to be more responsible with his hobby and also give you an allowance.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Tell him that you’ll divorce him, get alimony and at least then he’ll finally have to be fair.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The way I see it Lynn is you don't really have a marriage except on paper. In reality, youre little more than roommates sharing a bed.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> The way I see it Lynn is you don't really have a marriage except on paper. In reality, youre little more than roommates sharing a bed.


I second this...


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

You really haven't shared enough to make a real determination on what is fair and equitable. If you don't have an extravagant income, I would say that neither of you have any business having extravagant hobbies. Owning a horse is something I would classify as extravagant. It's also something that will not appreciate in value and costs money for maintenance every month. Something like collecting coins might be a little different. The coins can go up in value and don't ring up a bill every month while sitting in the safe. What is his thing? 

I don't believe in the "my money, your money" thing. If you are married, any dollar that comes in belongs to both of you. Outside of a little discretionary pocket change, you must agree on how it will be spent. 

All that said, you two seem to have a bit of an adversarial relationship. Neither wants the other to get more, and you don't want him to even have the same amount you do. That needs to be addressed. If you are not both committed to helping the other find fulfillment, you are doomed. It may require sacrifice from both of you. Are you up to that? Any chance he is?

Selfishness never helped a relationship. Neither did irresponsibility.


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