# I need as many opinions/comments as possible from both men and women please



## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

Here's the situation:

During the six months of his affair and talking to his paramour every day on the phone. Telling her multiple times how he is "not happy at home" and that he is "leaving his wife" and constantly saying "I love you" to one another. 

The day comes when he does pack his things and moves out. That same evening (after speaking to his wife about needing some time) he goes online and orders a *sixty dollar bouquet of his paramours favorite flowers* to be delivered to her at her place of employment. The flowers are scheduled to be delivered to her the following day. The date that the flowers are to be delivered to her, *he calls her a total of eight times.* 

The card that is enclosed with the flowers reads *"To a new beginning". *

Here's my question: How do you or would you interpret the message on the card from both the sender and the receivers point of view???


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

The message on the card and the intentions are clear, he's made his choice.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

True Blue said:


> The message on the card and the intentions are clear, he's made his choice.


'Nuf said :iagree:

draconis


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

I have to agree with TB and draconis :iagree:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree. I hope this happened before your talk on the phone when he said his feelings came back and realized he needed to end it. It sounds like before that conversation with you he was planning on starting a new life for himself and by sending the flowers I would say he planned to make her part of it.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

Thank you to *True Blue, Draconis and Andrea *for your replies. 

*I too agree completely with you.* I just needed to prove a point to him and you have helped for me to do that. Whether he wants to admit it or not, I don't care. My point has been made. He claims that it was not with that intention, yeah right. He knows that I do not believe him at all.


*To Swedish:*
This did happen before our talk on the phone. He had packed his things on 2/12, ordered the flowers at just before 7:00 that same evening. They were delivered on 2/13. He and I had spoken on the night of 2/13 and he was back home 30 minutes after we got off the phone that same night.

As for the part of the "starting a new life" *that is exactly what I have told him on more than one occassion,* even before my knowledge of the flowers. The flowers just confirmed it.


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

Coping~

What are you planning to do?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I guess this should be directed towards your husband, but when my husband stopped trying to protect my feelings and his shame about the whole thing and realized we would get no where if he kept telling 1/2 truths, it was only then that I was really able to move forward. And yes, the truth was painful (he would say he didn't know why I wanted to torture myself by asking all these questions) but the obsessive thoughts about what may have happened were much worse. Once I knew the truth, it's upsetting but at least I could process it and move on...no more wondering i wonder if.

It really made me understand what he was missing from me and gave me some sense of control that hey, I'd love to fill that void (we both had to refocus on each other so it's definitely not been one sided as far as our marriage issues go)

Mine sent flowers too...one to her, one to me....nice. I got the 'guilt' bouquet apparently...ugh.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I find it sad that he has to have this point proven to him. It is quite obvious what he was up to by the card and the flowers.


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

Just wondering how the other woman took the flowers. Did he come home because he wanted to or did she refuse him when she relized it was going to be full time and not just fun on the side?


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

True Blue said:


> Coping~
> 
> What are you planning to do?


I don't know if you have read my previous threads, but the same night that he confessed his infidelity and we got off the phone he was walking through our front door 30 minutes later. It is over between them. He has not had any contact with her since that night.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

tater03 said:


> I find it sad that he has to have this point proven to him. It is quite obvious what he was up to by the card and the flowers.



Believe me, I agree with you on that 110% But as I stated before, he claims that those were not his intentions behind it, again, yeah right. I told him to sell that to someone else, I am not buying it. He knows that I do not believe that one at all.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

Immortalone said:


> Just wondering how the other woman took the flowers. Did he come home because he wanted to or did she refuse him when she relized it was going to be full time and not just fun on the side?


I'm not exactly sure how she took the flowers but I do know this much, he came home because he wanted to and he has been trying very hard to prove to me that he does love me and that he is sorry for what he has done and put me through.

As for her, she was not looking for fun on the side. She truly wanted to be with him. She was upset when he told her that it was over. She is out of the picture for good.


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## Coping (Mar 19, 2008)

To Swedish:
Your first paragraph about him "wanting to protect my feelings" and everything else that you stated in the first paragraph, it was as if you were here listening in on our conversation. That is *exactly* what has been said between him and me. I actually called him into the room after reading it and read your post to him. 

As for "what was missing from me" he has admitted that it was all him. He admitted that I never changed my ways towards him until after he started pulling away from me. He is fully aware that it was him that started pulling away even when I was still trying to be close to him and I would tell him that "I miss my husband" or I would say "I just want my husband back" That he was not the same man that I had fallen in love with. 

But as I have stated before, he is aware of his f*#k up (as he has put it) and he has been trying to prove to me that he does love me and that he is sorry for all of the pain and hurt that he has put me through. He has been going to the therapist with me. He is doing anything that he possibly can to help me get past this. I see that he feels remorse. I have even seen him shed tears several times. In our 9.5 years together he had never shed a tear.

I'm sure you know first hand, that some days are easier than others. I have my good days, my okay days and then I have my totally bad days where I just fall into a depression. As the old saying goes, "One day at a time".


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It amazes me to see how similar our situations are. My husband has said it's all him also. He has also shed some tears for the first time since I've known him and I know he feels horrible. He has said you've always been loving toward me, never argue, nag, give him his space, etc. so it made it more difficult for me to understand why he would stray. We are both introverted and have never had many heart to heart talks or shared feelings with each other (or anyone else for that matter) and that is really the only area that we have changed, but for us it was huge. The only thing I can gather is that the woman went through a second bad divorce, ex is an alcoholic and just lost his job, so she was having financial struggles and started pouring her heart out to him at work saying 'i need to meet someone like you' and he just couldn't resist the attention, feeling needed and the excitement of something new. I think the turning point for him was seeing me break down (there was a 2 week period where the signs were all there) and he realized he really loved me and knew that I loved him. He ended it (it was 2 weeks of going to lunch and kissing never had sex but he says it was definitely leading in that direction) the next day and was not going to tell me. I found out because on that day he left his cell phone at home and I spent the day alternating between panic attacks and snooping. I do know how you feel. I have my good days and bad days as well. I know I didn't deserve this, but I also know I want for us both to be happy in our marriage, not for him to stay out of guilt or because it's the right thing to do. I did tell him if he gets to a point where he is not happy being married to me, that I'd rather end it then live that way, but to at least have enough respect for me to tell me and not betray me. I would do the same for him.


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