# Frusterated...confused...hurt! Am I even married?



## mombits (May 6, 2009)

I am just completely down and i am trying to lift myself up everyday. I am in a second marriage and I feel like whatever went wrong in his first marriage...I am paying for it. He is very private about everything. We have been married for 6 years and I have never once seen one of his pay stubs. I know that is a crazy thing to bring up and it is small compared to everything else. We have everything separate. There is absolutely no communication. When things bother me...I try to talk but he has no response. The major bills are in my name and I pay them with a struggle. i have talked to him several times about combining it all and it would make things easier but he always brushes me off. How can we ever get ahead when I feel like I am fighting this thing alone. It is really taking a tow on me and our relationship. When we go out to eat...I pay...why do i do that...I am to tired to cook and the kinds need to eat to. I am feeling more and more distant from him and this past Easter i decide to poor my guts out in a letter to tell him how i was feeling. That i am overworked by no help at home after I have worked all day. All the maintenance on the up keep of our home...I try to do it and of course I make a mess because he doesn't seem to have any interest in it. I ask him in the letter ...Are you just not happy here? I told him I loved him but I felt alone and that we were drifting apart and I wanted us to fix it now. He hasn't even mentioned the letter and weeks have went by. After a week had went by, I finally brought up the letter and he changed the subject in a joking manner. This is no joke for me and If I wanted to be single, I would have never gotten married. I am so hurt by many selfish things that he does...He's not putting me first in his life. i am making way for myself by myself.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I also have a husband that is emotionally very distant. We also decided to keep separate bank accounts, because he was previously married and I had a larger net worth. I often wondered what he spends his money on and went so far as snooping at his bank statement. I just can't seem to make my points clear and have resorted to writing letters or e-mails. I am glad I am not the only one that does that. I think some men are just not into confrontations or even discussing any issues. They are content to keep everything inside.


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## mombits (May 6, 2009)

I guess your right ...men do keep things inside but i can't believe that he totally ignored this letter. it's like he is ignoring my pain.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

How are the other aspects of your marriage? I've often found that men who hide paystubs and are emotionally unavailable have something to hide...someone else, an addiction, a bad habit, there is usually a reason that would go beyond just being burned in a previous marriage.

Not all men keep things bottled up unless they have something to hide...

As for ignoring your pain, he may just not know how to deal with it, how to cope with it...but if he is that uncaring and unconcerned, make your exit plan now, it won't get any better.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## mombits (May 6, 2009)

JDPreacher said:


> How are the other aspects of your marriage? I've often found that men who hide paystubs and are emotionally unavailable have something to hide...someone else, an addiction, a bad habit, there is usually a reason that would go beyond just being burned in a previous marriage.
> 
> Not all men keep things bottled up unless they have something to hide...
> 
> ...


I don't see him as having an addition to anything...neither of us even drink. I think he doesn't know how to respond but I have tried to make it easier for him to respond by wrighting the letter...he wouldn't have to be face to face with me. I have prayed about this and I have know ask God to give me wisdom in this situation. I don't think that making an exit is what God wants...there are children involved and if i have to keep hiding my hurt for them...I will. Thank you for your advice


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

mombits said:


> I am just completely down and i am trying to lift myself up everyday. I am in a second marriage and I feel like whatever went wrong in his first marriage...I am paying for it. He is very private about everything. We have been married for 6 years and I have never once seen one of his pay stubs. I know that is a crazy thing to bring up and it is small compared to everything else. We have everything separate. There is absolutely no communication. When things bother me...I try to talk but he has no response. The major bills are in my name and I pay them with a struggle. i have talked to him several times about combining it all and it would make things easier but he always brushes me off. How can we ever get ahead when I feel like I am fighting this thing alone. It is really taking a tow on me and our relationship. When we go out to eat...I pay...why do i do that...I am to tired to cook and the kinds need to eat to. I am feeling more and more distant from him and this past Easter i decide to poor my guts out in a letter to tell him how i was feeling. That i am overworked by no help at home after I have worked all day. All the maintenance on the up keep of our home...I try to do it and of course I make a mess because he doesn't seem to have any interest in it. I ask him in the letter ...Are you just not happy here? I told him I loved him but I felt alone and that we were drifting apart and I wanted us to fix it now. He hasn't even mentioned the letter and weeks have went by. After a week had went by, I finally brought up the letter and he changed the subject in a joking manner. This is no joke for me and If I wanted to be single, I would have never gotten married. I am so hurt by many selfish things that he does...He's not putting me first in his life. i am making way for myself by myself.


My gosh !!!
so why are you married anyway? Does not sound in any way like a marriage to me...
maybe something of some third world country...
where women are thought of as lower than dirt... awful. Why you stay is beyond me !
Might as well be married to a shoe.

Seems to me he is just using you to help him live in a lifestyle he might not be able to aford himself, or too cheap to do so...
he is a cheapskate for sure.


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## harleystarre (Dec 13, 2009)

I'm sorry to hear about this, this must be a really hard situation for you. It sounds like to me that from his point of view that he thinks that there is a chance that you two might get a divorce. He has protected himself from that by not joining your accounts together and not investing himself and his money in your life together. If I were you, I would wonder why he wanted to get married in the first place when it seems like he chose to just give up in the marriage before it began. The fact is, this is his problem that he must overcome, he needs to be there for you emotionally and financially, he does love you or else he wouldn't have gotten married, right? Even if he has been hurt, there is no reason why he can't be there for you, that is what a marriage is. I know it may be difficult but I think the best thing is to approach him and talk about it whether he wants to or not because you shouldn't be treated like this any longer because with every second, you hurt more. Besides, you are entitled to be able to have a conversation with him if you have an issue. There is no "I don't want to." You don't want to talk about this as much as he does. If he changes the subject, flat out refuse. Look him straight in the face and say, "Don't change the subject, I would like to talk to you about the letter I wrote." I'm not saying be mean but let him know that you won't back down and he must, at least, talk to you. He is your husband.


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