# Question about space??



## Janet (Feb 14, 2009)

Hi there, I have question for those men/husbands who have left a marriage stating that they needed space? My story is long but basically my husband has gone through alot in a year, lost his mom, his business slowed down and we also had a child. He left once a few months after the baby was born and came back b/c he wanted to be with his family while he figured out what it was he was going through. His moods and unhappiness continued and he left 7 weeks ago which I sort of supported b/c his anger around the house was too much but it has now esculated into many fights and doubt over the last 7 weeks. He is now saying he doesn't see us as a couple anymore. I want to move on because I feel that he has. We have been together for 13 years and married for 5 of those years. We had a typically marriage, typical fights but for the most we were happy. I have always been supported and did whatever it took to make him happy. I must say that his mood determined out marriage and closeness at times. He has been withdrawn since we had the baby and more when his mom died. I know he could be depressed but do you think he will regret this and want to come back eventually or should I just move on????


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Only you can determine if it is time to move on. If you still wish for the marriage to survive then continue to do the things you feel will improve it. Your husband has been through a lot but that does not excuse him from walking out on you. He may be suffering from depression. Has he seen a doctor or therapist? As far as space goes, if that is what he is asking for then give it to him. Showing him you are strong and going on will life with or without him may draw him closer to you as well as enable you to feel stronger and more confident. This will in the long run make you stronger in dealing with this. For more information on this concept read Dobson’s Love Must be Tough. Good luck


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

When somebody uses the phrase, "I need space." it usually means one of two things:

1. They have no idea what it is they truly want. Self awareness or identity issues seem to go along with it. 

2. They know exactly what they want, but are are fearful to disclose the truth, as a result of what it will cost them, or cost those they care about.

The emotional swings you describe in your husband seem to point to the former. I agree with Amp, given the events you describe, the behaviors sound like depression.

My wife and I are separated. My wife began withdrawing from me when we had our children. It was subtle - she was completely focussed on our kids, which I had no issue with. But somewhere in that six years, she lost the notion of 'us' as a couple, and her sense of self. I truly respect her as a mother and her complete commitment to the well-being of our kids. But, whereas I found trying to set aside time for us strengthening, invigorating and reassuring, she found it to be draining, overwhelming, and obligatory. She didn't perceive any benefit for herself in also working at the well-being of our marriage. Best way I can sum it up, she eventually saw me as just another person that wanted something from her - instead of her partner that wanted to give, to her, and the marriage. 
I may be way off, but I get a bit of the same vibe when you describe your husband. Sounds like his perception of his life and marriage has become something that he tolerates and manages instead of something that he actively contributes to, and takes joy and comfort from.

I will finish by saying that we are both happier apart. The impact and reality of the separation was painful. However, we did not paint a doom and gloom picture for our kids. We are still a team where they are concerned. Consequently, there is actually very little difference in terms of how we conduct ourselves when together as a family.


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