# Here we go again...learned about another affair of a friend's.....



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Why me? -.-

My brother in law is having an affair with an ex. She serial cheated on him so that's why they broke up. She married the guy she cheated on him with in June and has been sleeping with my brother in law again for the past few weeks. He told me that this was going on (we became closer friends recently) through text, so I have text evidence with his name and number at the top. He asked me to keep it to myself. He also has a girlfriend who he just began a relationship with. It feels so wrong not to tell anybody. I know I should have told when my friend was the married one, but in this case, is it none of my business? It feels like none of my business. I barely know my BIL's gf and I don't know the woman's husband. Something about this just feels wrong about keeping to myself. Like I should tell my in laws about it. Idk. You guys are the experts. What should I do?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

This is really bothering me a lot. I really want to know what you guys think.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Why me? -.-
> 
> My brother in law is having an affair with an ex. She serial cheated on him so that's why they broke up. She married the guy she cheated on him with in June and has been sleeping with my brother in law again for the past few weeks. He told me that this was going on (we became closer friends recently) through text, so I have text evidence with his name and number at the top. He asked me to keep it to myself. He also has a girlfriend who he just began a relationship with. It feels so wrong not to tell anybody. I know I should have told when my friend was the married one, but in this case, is it none of my business? It feels like none of my business. I barely know my BIL's gf and I don't know the woman's husband. Something about this just feels wrong about keeping to myself. Like I should tell my in laws about it. Idk. You guys are the experts. What should I do?


Geez, this is a tough one. So, your BIL -- who has a girlfriend -- is schtooping his ex, who is cheating on her husband... who is actually the AP for whom she left your BIL...?

Ugh. Tough one. Did your BIL indicate that anyone else might know?

For now, let me just say this... the best way to keep dirt out of your house is by regularly sweeping dirt away from your porch.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Geez, this is a tough one. So, your BIL -- who has a girlfriend -- is schtooping his ex, who is cheating on her husband... who is actually the AP for whom she left your BIL...?
> 
> Ugh. Tough one. Did your BIL indicate that anyone else might know?
> 
> For now, let me just say this... the best way to keep dirt out of your house is by regularly sweeping dirt away from your porch.


Yes, that is correct. No, no one else knows. He made it seem as if I'm the only person he's told (don't ask me because I don't know why).


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> This is really bothering me a lot. I really want to know what you guys think.


“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” 
― Edmund Burke


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So your BIL's ex married her affair partner. Now she's cheating on her new husband (the AP) with your BIL? 

Well, I'm torn on this one. Right now I'd say stay out of it.

The ex and her new husband are just getting their rewards. Your BIL probably is getting revenge and I cannot really blame him.

The new gf is the innocent her perhaps. But how long have they been dating?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Yes, that is correct. No, no one else knows. He made it seem as if I'm the only person he's told (don't ask me because I don't know why).


You are the only one that he told. Do you know how many people his ex has told?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So your BIL's ex married her affair partner. Now she's cheating on her new husband (the AP) with your BIL?
> 
> Well, I'm torn on this one. Right now I'd say stay out of it.
> 
> ...


My BIL told me he is doing it because "he loves her and always will and can't stay away from her and would take her back in a sec" etc. Him & new girlfriend have been together about 2 weeks I think. And I don't know if she has told anyone, I assume not since she's married.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Another reason I ask is because it's VERY, very hard for me to not tell my in-laws when I see them (with him not around). I have to literally keeping myself from word vomiting several times during the interaction "he's sleeping with a married woman and cheating on his gf and i feel like this is too big of a secret to keep to myself". I'm seeing my in-laws again tomorrow.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm inclined to agree w/ EleGirl on this one.

Tell you what... maybe tell your BIL that he has 1 week to tell his girlfriend what's up or you will.

Thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> My BIL told me he is doing it because "he loves her and always will and can't stay away from her and would take her back in a sec" etc. Him & new girlfriend have been together about 2 weeks I think. And I don't know if she has told anyone, I assume not since she's married.


Did you BIL say if his ex is ready to dump the new husband and get back with him?

If he has a new gf for 2 weeks, they are most likely not in a committed relationship. So there would be nothing to tell her really.

Besides your BIL telling you that, do you have any real evidence that he's cheating with the ex?

Does your BIL know what you did about your cheating friend? Maybe he's hoping that you do tell the husband so that is ex will be available again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Another reason I ask is because it's VERY, very hard for me to not tell my in-laws when I see them (with him not around). I have to literally keeping myself from word vomiting several times during the interaction "he's sleeping with a married woman and cheating on his gf and i feel like this is too big of a secret to keep to myself". I'm seeing my in-laws again tomorrow.


I do think that it's extremely unfair for someone to tell a secret and thus put the burden of the secret on the person they told. I agree with you that it's probably way to hard to do this.

These are the in laws who really do not like you, right?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I'm inclined to agree w/ EleGirl on this on.
> 
> Tell you what... maybe tell your BIL that he has 1 week to tell his girlfriend what's up or you will.
> 
> Thoughts?


Sounds good, but wouldn't he just bad mouth me to her until then? (such as case in other situation)


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Did you BIL say if his ex is ready to dump the new husband and get back with him? *Oh wait sorry misunderstood the question. No the ex does not want to be with him, only sleep with him.*
> 
> If he has a new gf for 2 weeks, they are most likely not in a committed relationship. So there would be nothing to tell her really.*It is Facebook official and he introduced her to the family as his girlfriend.*
> 
> ...


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I do think that it's extremely unfair for someone to tell a secret and thus put the burden of the secret on the person they told. I agree with you that it's probably way to hard to do this.
> 
> These are the in laws who really do not like you, right?


It's mainly his dad's side that does not like me (they live in a different city.) I have grown a lot closer to his mom's side since living here. His mom took me on a jet ski today & we really bonded over that. It's his mom & sister that I have a hard time not telling about it (I am best friends with the sister).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So the ex is ready to dump her husband. They have been married what? 2 months? Did you ask him why she's has not left if she's ready to?

So he told you this via text messages?

And BIL does not usually confide in you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband know? If so what does he suggest?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Sorry, EleGirl, I had misunderstood your first question. No she doesn't want to leave her husband for him, she just wants to sleep with him. Yes, through text messages. Yes, this is the first big thing he's confided to me before that he didn't confide to my husband. It happened because I go to him about problems with H (which I also do with SIL). And so in return, I guess, he told me about this and being in love with her. And yes, H knows about the affair, he doesn't want me to tell.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the ex and her husband deserve each other. I would not care that their marriage is a farce. They are not part of your family, I'm assuming that they do not have any children together so ... well you cannot save the whole world.

Does your BIL have children with the ex?

I'd be more concerned about your BIL and of course the new gj.

How do you think is sister and mother will react if you tell them?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Yes, they have one child together. He thought they had two together but she lied about paternity. I think the sister would not be surprised and the mother would be very angry because he was serious with her best friend (who is his age) recently and really did her wrong by jumping to this new GF, and the mother was mad at him for that for up until a week ago. So she would be very upset about it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Yes, they have one child together. *He thought they had two together but she lied about paternity.* I think the sister would not be surprised and the mother would be very angry because he was serious with her best friend (who is his age) recently and really did her wrong by jumping to this new GF, and the mother was mad at him for that for up until a week ago. So she would be very upset about it.


Daaaaaaaaaamn!!! You'd think that would be enough to put him off the skank for good, but I guess not. Either he's really dumb, she's really "good", or both. Aaaaaanyway...

Who is the second kid's father? Her current husband?


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

If your husband knows and wants you not to get further involved, then you don't. To end your involvement in this drama tell your brother-in-law he's playing with fire and you won't speak to him anymore. Finally he and his choices should not make him a very good confidant in your marriage issues it seems to me.

Just sayin',

Seasalt


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

This sounds like a story line from a soap opera. Someone should write this all down and make it a reality show.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I say expose, but tell your husband it's his job to do it. Even if he doesn't want to.

It's his family.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

How about putting all this extra energy into your own relationship. Enough already solving the worlds problems.

Unless you enjoy being a drama magnet...


...just an alternate viewpoint.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Q tip said:


> How about putting all this extra energy into your own relationship. Enough already solving the worlds problems.
> 
> Unless you enjoy being a drama magnet...
> 
> ...


While this could be the case, there was a point in time 1-2 years ago where we found several affairs/divorces exposed with friends and family all within a 2-3 month time frame.

Honestly felt like the happy marriage apocalypse.

But then I remembered from my math days the emergent phenomena in complex systems called burstiness:
Bursty behaviour found to have similar features across complex systems

Essentially when sh!t hits the fan, it hits it all at once.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Yes, that is correct. No, no one else knows. He made it seem as if I'm the only person he's told (don't ask me because I don't know why).


Because he likes you. He is establishing an emotional connection with you- you're sharing a deep secret. Next step is to tighten your connection. The last step is to have sex with you.

This guy us good. Really good. And he has set the hook in your mouth well.

My advice- spit the hook out and expose him. Before you become his next trophy.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

marduk said:


> While this could be the case, there was a point in time 1-2 years ago where we found several affairs/divorces exposed with friends and family all within a 2-3 month time frame.
> 
> Honestly felt like the happy marriage apocalypse.
> 
> ...


It happens everywhere everyday anyway... 

She shows weakness, and eventually invites the guy over for a shoulder to cry on (after texting all night). Hopefully the Hubbie will walk in just in time to stop the next steps she takes with OM "innocently..."

See a pattern here in this complex system?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> My BIL told me he is doing it because "he loves her and always will and can't stay away from her and would take her back in a sec" etc. Him & new girlfriend have been together about 2 weeks I think. And I don't know if she has told anyone, I assume not since she's married.




you might point out the poor morals of this woman, and how she would make a horrible wife if she ever where available. Suggest he do some self-inspection to understand why he is drawn to this damaged woman.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Puff, you I get your point you just left one behind and another one comes to you.

My advice, this one is your husband's shot, I feel no simphaty for the OM who married the ex, but the GF don't deserve being cheated, your husband is the one the in this case have more right to interfere, if you do something directly it may even result in harming the relationship between btothers (and not just yours with your BIL).

Talk with your husband and let him see clear that what you BIL is doing is wrong a bothers you, and how if like in yours friend case the the main relationship were yours then you would be already esposing your BIL.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Q tip said:


> It happens everywhere everyday anyway...
> 
> She shows weakness, and eventually invites the guy over for a shoulder to cry on (after texting all night). Hopefully the Hubbie will walk in just in time to stop the next steps she takes with OM "innocently..."
> 
> See a pattern here in this complex system?


I dunno, maybe.

Or maybe he wants his wife to find out and doesn't have the balls to do it himself.

I mean, she informed on one...

Or certain people, myself included, are just people that other people open up to for whatever reason.

I had an in law admit to me a long term drug addiction long before he did to most of his actual family.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Not sure I've got all the players straight, but I think you would be wise to distance yourself from this gang and not get involved. Seems most of them deserve each other and you would just get dirty for your trouble. I think they would all turn on you like a pack of wolves.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Daaaaaaaaaamn!!! You'd think that would be enough to put him off the skank for good, but I guess not. Either he's really dumb, she's really "good", or both. Aaaaaanyway...
> 
> Who is the second kid's father? Her current husband?


Ugh, tell me about it. She's a pretty horrible person. And yes, he's the father.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

6301 said:


> This sounds like a story line from a soap opera. Someone should write this all down and make it a reality show.


Lol I know! It's crazy. Trust me when I was writing this I was like "Omg I need to take this to Jerry Springer instead..."


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Q tip said:


> How about putting all this extra energy into your own relationship. Enough already solving the worlds problems.
> 
> Unless you enjoy being a drama magnet...
> 
> ...


Sorry, you're probably right, I just have a tendency to put others and their problems before myself. It's just how I am.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> Because he likes you. He is establishing an emotional connection with you- you're sharing a deep secret. Next step is to tighten your connection. The last step is to have sex with you.
> 
> This guy us good. Really good. And he has set the hook in your mouth well.
> 
> My advice- spit the hook out and expose him. Before you become his next trophy.


You really think so? Like, wouldn't it turn me off for him to say he loved someone else/couldn't let them go/would take them back in a second/was still sleeping with them?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Ugh, tell me about it. She's a pretty horrible person. And yes, he's the father.


She's obviously willing to do things with him that other women won't.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> You really think so? Like, wouldn't it turn me off for him to say he loved someone else/couldn't let them go/would take them back in a second/was still sleeping with them?


Maybe.

But based on what you say about him, he's a player. And to that type of guy every woman is a target. I mean, think about it, why in the world would he open himself up to you like this with texts? Answer- he's setting you up. Even if for down the road.

Just do the right thing here and blow the situation up.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ariel_angel77 said:


> You really think so? Like, wouldn't it turn me off for him to say he loved someone else/couldn't let them go/would take them back in a second/was still sleeping with them?


From your perspective, maybe.

From a biological perspective, female preselection (a man having access to multiple women) can actually be an attractor.

Or so he may think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> You really think so? Like, wouldn't it turn me off for him to say he loved someone else/couldn't let them go/would take them back in a second/was still sleeping with them?


Your BIL has no boundaries. His wife cheated on him, had a baby by the OM and tried to pass it off as BIL's child. Then she divorced your BIL. BIL mistreat/cheated his last girl friend. He's already mistreating/cheating on his new gf of 2 weeks.

Why should he think anything sill like him loving someone turn you off? It does not turn him off that his exw is with another guy. It sounds like to him, cheating, lying, drama and games are just a normal part of life.

Did your FIL cheat a lot?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your BIL has no boundaries. His wife cheated on him, had a baby by the OM and tried to pass it off as BIL's child. Then she divorced your BIL. BIL mistreat/cheated his last girl friend. He's already mistreating/cheating on his new gf of 2 weeks.
> 
> Why should he think anything sill like him loving someone turn you off? It does not turn him off that his exw is with another guy. It sounds like to him, cheating, lying, drama and games are just a normal part of life.
> 
> Did your FIL cheat a lot?


No, MIL cheated a lot and left FIL for another man awhile back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> No, MIL cheated a lot and left FIL for another man awhile back.


OK, I figured there was infidelity in the family.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Time for you to set your boundaries and tell the BIL about them. There is no respect there at all. You are entertaining it. I would find a way to anonymously let the husband of the BIL's ex know about their affair, then let the chips fall where they may. You are confiding your own marital woes to this man who has no ability to help you. You have to examine the whole situation with even your own behavior. Why are people taking advice or giving advice who are not in any type of position to offer it? It's like consulting with a chef on how to perform heart surgery. Your BIL sounds immature and incapable of managing his own life, emotions, groin...How can he help you? Tell him to no longer confide in you and get a counselor if you need a confidant.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

See these scripts? Get them addressed early before they morph into a big woe-is-me-story after you turn 45. 

"Why me? -.-"
"This is really bothering me a lot...."
"Sorry, you're probably right, I just have a tendency to put others and their problems before myself. It's just how I am."

If this is how you truly are, maybe check into the possibility of getting a counseling degree soon, redirect the energy into making some money for you and your children. I am sorry I am a bit upset with your handling yourself in the situations, but I mean you no harm.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I think you should tell your husband/his brother. If he'll find out you've been keeping his brother's cheating secret, who knows what he'll think.

But most importantly, I think you should tell him that he should tell his girlfriend or that you will. She has the right to know that she's being exposed to potential STDs every time she has sex, that she's risking pregnancy with a cheating, broken man, and that she's wasting time with him.

If for no other reason, she deserves to know because her physical health is in danger. She could get HIV, HPV (and later cervical cancer etc.), hepatitis etc. Every time she has sex with him, it could dramatically worsen her health. I'm sorry, but in my eyes, you have a moral obligation to make sure she knows, to have her call you (so you'll know he didn't lie to you about telling her). 

As for his request you to keep it a secret - he has no right to dump something so big on you and demand you keep it a secret. Especially since he knows you've already exposed someone in the past. Also, what if he confessed to killing someone? What if he confessed to being a pedophile so long ago that statute of limitations apply? Just because his actions aren't illegal (anymore)/he's not legally responsible (anymore), doesn't mean he should be let of the hook. He's playing with that girl's life/health, and that of a baby if she gets pregnant. She needs to know, and you ought to make sure she finds out. 

Best wishes


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

2 Options

1) Why not ask them what they are going to do about the situation. Then tell them to think about it, decide on an outcome. Then strategize and put a plan of action and execute the plan and let you know how it goes the following week. If no action is taken by then, tell them they must therefore be obligating you to have a conference call with BS/WS on the phone to expose it all. 

Then change the bloody subject.

2) Ask your hubbie. Talk to him. You do a great job talking to complete strangers on the internet (actually a great bunch of folks on TAM) Try your hubbie. Listen to what he says and feels.


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