# Momma's Boy



## Confused 03 (Nov 15, 2011)

Anyone married to a momma's boy? How did you deal with it? Do you wait until he "grows up" or did you leave? What are some signs that he is a momma's boy?

Here's my situation:

Married to husband for almost 4 yrs. We currently live seperate because of work. His parents live in China w/ hundreds of relatives. He straight-up told me his parents are everything to him, that if he has vacation days he will go to China to see them everytime, and his only future plan is to have them live with him forever.

They just lived w/ us for 6 months and our relationship has gotten worse. He spent every spare time w/ them. His parents told my parents that "the wife should only follow the man's interests" and my husband said to me after they left that "in chinese culture, the woman should follow the man without asking questions".

1. We have no interests or hobbies in common. He's into basketball, work, and his parents. I'm not into NBA, but I have watched and attempted to do NBA related things w/ him. He has never wanted or expressed interest to ever join me in what I like. Therefore, we live very independent lives and have lack of communication.

2. When I ask him about future and family plans, he says his only plan is to live w/ parents.

3. I feel his chooses his parents over me on everything. I'm not saying I want him to "dump his parents", but shouldn't I be a priority too? 

4. When his parents left, they told him they were sad that his life turned out like this. I'm sure it's not about him getting a green card. I'm sure it's because I'm not the typical China "cultured" wife that probably slaves over the stove and takes care of her husband like he's a kid. I was raised in the States and he was raised in China. Culture is obviously different, but he told me "our cultures are different, but yours is more wrong". 

I've talked to my parents about this. They tell me to patient and wait for him to realize what he's doing to me/us and change. I'm 26 yrs old... how long is a wife suppose to wait for her husband to collect his balls and become a man? I told them that if he doesn't realize soon within a few months, then I'm done. He knows my feelings since I"ve told him, but he responds with "I dont want to talk about family/future. I only want to focus on work because that makes me happy".

Right now, I basically have to change everything about myself and my "american" habits/culture and mold myself to be what he wants. If he doesnt like me for me, why should I be "fake happy" and live a lie for the rest of my life?

I feel like since he's an only child he is used to being pampered and having EVERYTHING done for him. I think his parents feel like they want a wife to "take their place" and basically do EVERYTHING for their son, probably far enough to wipe his butt. He did not lift a finger during those 6 months they lived with us, I did everything that he should of been a MAN and been there for me to do too. I think, if he wants someone like that... then marry your mom or he shouldn't have gotten married to begin with. Plus, he treats my parents w/ disrepect. I have to try and do everything to please his parents, but he does not even acknowledge them (ie: saying "hi mom and dad") when we get together as a family. Actually, he doesnt even want to visit my family. Why do I have to dump my parents for his (who obviously talk behind my back and "fake nice" to my face) when he wont even attempt to be nice to mine?

Our wedding anniversary is Dec 27th. He told me he's going to China to visit his parents. I casually said "oh... well, I was hoping we could spend our wedding anniversary together" and all he said was "I WANT to go back to China". He didnt even say "let's do something after I get back"... NOTHING.

Cut the umbilical cord already!! Like I said before and like I told my parents to not be surprised if I divorce him if he does not show any hope for change in his behavior. 

Has/Is anyone going through this? I need some advice, please.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

This situation is more culturual than just the "Momma's Boy" syndrome. If you study Asian cultures, respect and loyalty to elders, especially one's parents, TRUMPS all other relationships... Especially those with a woman. Yes, as a woman, you should serve your husband with no complaints. We American women are spoiled if you think about it. 

Hate to say it, but I really don't see him changing, (in Chinese culture, "Shame" is a very big deal, "Shaming" of your family is even greater). His parents won't be around forever, and although I can completely relate to what you are feeling, I would suggest trying to see this from outside the box. Just as you were raised that 'cutting the cord' and setting 'boundaries' are normal in western culture, in eastern cultures it is not the same. In China, families typically do not have more than one child, (or is it "permited"?) Of course his parents are going to dote on him, and cherish him, as he will be their ONLY offspring, likely. And you don't just kick the 'rents to the curb after you grow up. You take care of them and continue to learn life lessons from them until they are DEAD. (I don't know how it is currently, but previously, the number of children you had wasn't even a choice you made. The Chinese government did that for you). You don't just 'abandon' your parents the way we do, and are comfortable with here in the States. I'm trying my best to articulate this as accurately and as simply as possible.

Just curious as to how the two of you met and got together? Surely you had common ties then? How long have these differences been causing problems for the both of you?

I think this just may be a situation where you agree to disagree, unfortunately.

Do a google search on the differences between cultures. Expecting him to be fully westernized is fantasy. I found a smiliar thread here on TAM (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/20354-east-meets-west-can-ever.html).

If there is one thing I've learned about dating other cultures, or even just in general, is that the qualities that are DIFFERENT between two people are the ones that ATTRACT them, and almost ALWAYS are the same differences that later tear them APART.

Dealing with these differences in how you view relationships and having an understanding will help you to be successful. Is he receptive at all about learning about western culture, except that he believes it is "more wrong"?? (Hey we could say the same to him, and neither is right or wrong... it's just different).

Wishing you the best!! *hugs*


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Why do you think so many Asian women (my W included) marry western guys?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Why do you think so many Asian women (my W included) marry western guys?


I concur. Even moreso, I believe marrying western is also an upgrade in social status.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

> He straight-up told me his parents are everything to him, that if he has vacation days he will go to China to see them everytime, and his only future plan is to have them live with him forever.


I would have run to the hills if a man said that to me. However, I never dated a traditional Chinese man. I dated a Japanese man (somewhat traditional) for three years and one of the reasons we called things off (or, I called things off) was because I couldn't live my life with his family up my ass all.the.time.


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## Confused 03 (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks everyone.

I know I can never ask a man to choose between his parents and his wife. But from his actions, it just seems like he WILL choose his parents over me any day of the week. The other problem is that he acknowledges our upbringings and cultures are different, but then says to me "yours is more wrong". Basically, I take that as I have to change everything about me to mold myself to be in "your plan".

I also see it from "outside the box" view, but he does not see it from my view - just his. No, he does not sound like he wants to "learn" or "see" the american way. He just gets defensive saying that I'm defensive by saying something like that. 

We never compromise to anything and he never wants to talk about it again. I take that as "there is no future" because I'm not going to stand idly by like a stupid girl just to "follow the man".


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Why'd you guys get married?


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## Confused 03 (Nov 15, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Why'd you guys get married?


When I first dated and met him, he was polite, nice and respectful to my parents and I. It seems like he changed within these 3-4 yrs. He is a good man, but I do not think for either one of ut to be happy, that we should be together as our views/habits/thinking/future plans are so different.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Confused 03 said:


> When I first dated and met him, he was polite, nice and respectful to my parents and I. It seems like he changed within these 3-4 yrs. He is a good man, but I do not think for either one of ut to be happy, that we should be together as our views/habits/thinking/future plans are so different.


was it just that he was nice to you and your parents? His views/habits/thinking and future plans changed in 3-4 years?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

So what are the positives? Other than cultural differences and lack of interests, what do you like about each other, AND is it possible these positives outweigh the negatives? Since he is so devoted to family, I'm thinking it is not quite a stretch to say he might be just as devoted to you, he did marry you after all. He may become defensive, because remember in his culture, men's authority isn't to be questioned. Perhaps taking a marriage class or therapy to help with communication? I'd rather see the two of you work through your differences instead of let them divide you. If you are really unhappy though, (and I would totally understand not feeling important to him because his parents and work come first) then maybe it would be time to talk about separation. Just remember, the grass isn't always greener, and american men can be just as self-concerned. Perhaps without genuine loyalty behind it, either. Wishing you peace and happiness!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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