# Considering it over after 9 years



## mrshoeman (Jan 7, 2013)

Hello all,

Well, where to begin. I have been married for 8 years, together with my wife for 9 years. We had a great relationship, but things just declined over time to the point where on a daily basis we wouldn't speak to each other except when we had to, I slept on the couch most if not all nights for close to a year and having sex was like producing an act of Congress. I can't say for what reasons why things got they way they did, but we've had our differences, trials, tribulations, etc. and I am at the point where I am starting to follow my feelings and just end the marriage. Previously, I believe I was following my mind and agreed to things to make our lives easier (as in terms of not getting a divorce, etc).

Our problems have always been there, but we just ignored them or set the problems aside like they never existed. Most of our problems were small, but nagging issues that never went away. A lot of the problems weren't serious like she stealing my money or cheating on me or any of the really horrible things couples experience, but these were issues that you would hope get resolved in the beginning of the courting period of the relationship. Well, they didn't get resolved and the problems got worse and other problems evolved.

We initially didn't get married for love, but the marriage was an agreement as I was her boyfriend at the time and she needed help with a legal proceeding. I was willing because I said why not me since we were in a relationship at the time.

As the relationship progressed, we separated within the first 2 years for a few months, then got back together. However, since then, because of the way I felt about things and really didn't believe our relationship was in a good state, I asked for a divorce on more than 5 occasions. As usual, my wife pleaded with me and encouraged me to let us try and work on things. Over time, we would say we tried, but I really know that we didn't try to work on things. Issues kept coming up, we talked, we mentioned the problems, we say we would work on things, but nothing changed. The last time I asked my wife for a divorce was a couple months ago, and the same thing happened: she pleaded with me and I gave in and said lets give it another shot.

Now here comes the bad news. I ended up cheating on her. I have since asked her for a divorce, again, and I revealed that I cheated. I know I was wrong, I know how bad I hurt her, I know that this wasn't the right thing to do, but deep down inside, I don't want to work on things anymore and end the marriage.

The bad thing about all of this is that she still really wants us to work on the marriage, but I told her that our time was up. Enough was enough and I just couldn't stand the fact that we didn't interact with each other on a daily basis, we rarely had sex, we slept apart, and generally just didn't get along most of the time.

I still do and will always love her, but I don't have the same feelings for her as I once did. I still care about her and would help her in any way I can. If she ask for something, I'll do it. But I don't feel this is the right relationship. I believe deep down inside that if she give it time, being a part from me will probably show her that we are better off going our separate ways. Now, to be clear, we both have contributed to the issues in our relationship. This wasn't a one way street or always one sided (except for me cheating recently), so I fully understand and take what responsibility is mine. 

We don't have any kids and we don't own any property.

Am I wrong for feeling like this or bad for wanting to end the marriage?

Counseling? Well, she wants to go, but I don't. I kind of already have my mind made up, but I am considering a short term non-religions based marriage counselor just so I can say I did it and so she can hopefully let me go. We are both 29 years old.

I am on my way to find an apartment so we can live separately.

Thanks in advance for any of your input.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1.) If you don't want to do counseling, then DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME/MONEY on it just so you can 'check it off the list'. This is just being dishonest and wasting the therapist/counselor's time as well.

2.) If you feel you're DONE, then YOU'RE DONE. Your wife doesn't get to DECIDE unilaterally that you're going to KEEP TRYING (for the 6th time) to keep this marriage together. You, however, DO GET TO UNILATERALLY DECIDE that it's time to pull the plug! It takes TWO to make a marriage work, and you plain old DON'T WANT TO! That is a FACT.

Others will tell you to get into counseling with your wife and see if you can 'work it out' or will tell you that you're still in an 'affair fog'. I disagree! If you are being truthful that you had your first physical separation less than TWO YEARS into this marriage, and this is your SIXTH request for a divorce, then GIVE IT UP! STOP IT!

It doesn't make you a 'bad' person for wanting a divorce. This is a relationship that CLEARLY is NOT working for YOU. It doesn't make HER a 'bad' person, either! You two are NOT right for each other! Perhaps going into this marriage in the first place was ill-advised.

GET OUT NOW before you cheat again. Walk away with DIGNITY both for yourself and for your wife. Do NOT be talked into staying. There is NOTHING to work on. LEAVE NOW before there are children involved.

BTW: Once you physically move out, you MUST get into Individual Counseling so that YOU can learn how to HONESTLY ADDRESS issues with your future significant others. Otherwise, you will find yourself back in this EXACT SAME MARRIAGE in the future (only your wife's name will be different).

Good luck! Let us know how it's going!


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## mrshoeman (Jan 7, 2013)

Thanks for your advice.

Just out of curiosity (and I know that the answer to this questions really depends on me), but how long would adequate individual counseling take?

I mean, I am a very grounded person and have understood my actions and behaviors that could have been the cause of some problems in our relationship. Part of where I went wrong is that I can sometimes be too magnanimous. I mean, I completely understand that anyone who leaves a long term relationship should get some type of counseling to help cope with the changes and to better prepare for the next relationship.

Thanks again for the thoughts and I hope others will chime in as well.,


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