# Mt husband don't seem to want me



## Mommyof4 (Feb 23, 2010)

I am seriously going insane. I have dealt with this problem for so long, and now it is to the point where I feel like I am better off alone. 

When my husband and I got together, it was a long distance relationship and we spent a lot of the time having phone sex. This was his suggestion and he wanted it almost every night, if not every night for sure. The first few times we were together, we had sex and everything seemed great, he seemed really into it. He was a virgin at the time. 

Anyway, after our second visit, it was only a couple of days into the visit and he started telling me that he didn't feel up to it because his penis was having a reaction to condoms, so now he itched and just felt uncomfortable. That is when it all started.

I got pregnant with our first shortly after that. During this time, he would have sex if I started it, but he never started it. He would get hard occasionally when he would see me naked, but not often. Me having low self esteem just told myself that I was being over paranoid by it, but it didn't stop. 

After a few months into our marriage, he stopped ever being hard when he saw me naked. He never ever tried to start sex with me. Then, I started getting excuses. He was too tired or he was stressed. He said he had low libido and never thought about sex. This is all fine and dandy only I would find porn on the internet or just google searches for hot actresses. I then started paying close attention to when he was in the bathroom for awhile, or when he would shower I would listen. If he was on the comp for awhile and then went into the restroom, I would go in after and find the tissue he used to clean himself up. HE WAS MASTURBATING. How is it that if he doesn't have any sexual desire, then he wants to masturbate? I have asked like, "When is the last time you masturbated?" He would say not for a long time, but then I would tell him I know he is lying and he would get mad to the point of slamming doors and walking out and then later tell me that he did it because he wanted to relieve tension.

I tell him all of the time that I am feeling ugly and worthless and he tells me that I am making too much of this, but yet he hasn't changed anything. He still will masturbate over being with me and when we have sex, I have to touch him to get him hard, and then I lay there having to do things to him and then we will have sex and it is done. He doesn't start it, he doesn't touch me back to try and please me, and if he finishes before I do, he rolls over and watches tv while I finish. If I just stop and go to bed, he tells me to finish cause it makes him feel better when we are both satisfied. I am so confused.

When he was at his old job, this all got much much worse. A lot of girls there would tell me that they wish they could have him and they would hang on him at work or e-mail him or ask him to go to lunch with them. he would give them rides home. Now my husband is the type that he doesn't want to say no and make people mad at him, but I had a huge feeling he was doing something with them. When I asked him about it, he started getting distant saying that I didn't trust him and whatever else. It hurt me so badly that it became an obsession to check his phone, check the history on the net, look at his underwear, and so on. I don't know what to do at this point. I mean I know he couldn't be cheating right now because he is not working and he has been home with me everyday for 6 months, but honestly, what is it? Am I ugly, am I not good in bed? Did he cheat? Does he want somebody else? UGH

Sorry this is so long, I am just overly stressed out.

btw..We have been married 4 1/2 years and have 3 kids with 1 on the way. He also uses the fact that he takes care of them a lot or has to get up with them and they never sleep as another excuse.


----------



## Enough!!! (Feb 1, 2010)

Hey,
When your self esteem is at an all time low, it can be very difficult to convince yourself that it's not you. No matter what the circumstances are. 
My H is on medication that means "getting hard" is very difficult. And staying hard is even more difficult. My H cheated last year, and as far as I'm aware he had the same problem with her. But no matter how much he tries to convince me otherwise. I take it personally. So much so, that I don't want him to see me naked. It feels like a rejection over and over again.
In MY opinion, your husband should NOT be driving any girls home, especially if they are showing an interest in him. I can't stand women who deliberately chase un-available men. I think they are lowest of the low. However, your man is married, and he has choices. He should love you enough that the decision he SHOULD be making will be the right one.
You don't have any hard evidence, however, you have major RED flags. You owe it to your kids and yourself to put a stop to this. 
There are still some things I don't know about my H fling. And that is the hardest part. He got very good at lying, so there is no way for me to know the complete truth. While I have decided to stay and try to work on "us", if he ever cheated again. That will be deal done. No going back. The pain of my reality is overwhelming, and is a constant struggle. 
Women's intuition is such a magnificent tool... use it. If it is telling you something is wrong. Confront him.
All men want sex, (have you ever seen some of the prostitutes out there?.. and men PAY to have sex with them??? YUK!) so I'm not sure what the go is there. But I doubt it has anything to do with you. Thank god, you know how to satisfy yourself. It has only struck men in the last decade that.... "stop the press", women have needs aswell. If he can't meet your needs, then by all means. Take care of you.
You can't stay in this limbo forever. Might be time for a serious chat. Just be prepared that you may get a response your not expecting. When I confronted my H, when I thought he had cheated. I guess, I knew something was wrong, and thought I was ready. But it floored me just the same. It was a very difficult moment.

I wish you all the best, and take car of you and your babies. They still need you, even if he doesn't


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree - it's not you. . .98% of male impotence cases, maybe even higher have nothing, nothing to do with their partner.

I think there's a lot here that will be very hard to sort out. You say you haven't been very sexual (and I believe you) but you have 4 kids in about 4 years.

I am just theorizing but I have a feeling that all the Mr. Mom stuff may be affecting his self-image. Most men (like me in my ending marriage) fall into it but rarely does a man when he is 12 years old say,

"Yeah, some day, I"m going to be a stay-at-home Dad with 4 kids. Yeah, that sounds *really *fulfilling. I'll just be a kept man and the stud in the house." I know women think,

"Well, what's so wrong with that? I have to go to work and that's no fun (welcome to the former male world). I am just saying most men don't want to be a "kept man." Yet, as a society, here we are.

It may be out of necessity or whatever but this major domestication of him (4 kids in 5 years), I would lay $50.00 on is affecting him somewhere, maybe the bedroom, maybe not, but somewhere. . .which will translate into the bedroom.

The bedroom is a microcosm of the marriage. He fantasizing of something else, but it's more than sexual.

Just a wild stab.


----------



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Actually, I re-read this and I am confused.

Is he unemployed and you a stay-at-home mom? Or do yo work and he now stays home? 

What is your view on birth control? 4 kids in 5 years sounds like a lot to me but I know a lot of people have a "non-interference" philosophy on family planning b/c of religious views.

I mean, there may be an ulterior motive here as to why he's is masturbating - he doesn't want you pregnant again. I mean, in the sex part of this forum, we talk about vibrators, porn, juicy stuff but I think it does good to remind the forum that the end result of sex is babies.

Right? (I think I got the memo on this  )

Of course, you are pregnant now. . .so what the hey, I suppose - he should have 9 months of fun. But 4 kids and being home all day. . .not sure I'd even feel like getting busy with the pregnant wife and I have a high libido.


----------

