# SO ANGRY- what can I do???



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have been posting here about my issue with OH's reluctance to support me with the lack of sleep from our five-month-old baby.

Yesterday after he got home from work, we got talking. He said I looked like I was going to cry- I'd had a crazy hour prior to him returning, the baby wouldn't stop crying and he went to his mums from work instead of coming home and had no idea where he was. I said I was simply tired, and he offered to take us out for dinner to save more work for me, which I said would be great.

Then it all went wrong... I tried to sort out what happened the day before (he flipped out because the baby wouldn't sleep) and we somehow got talking about the Sunday just gone (my lie in day which he ruined by being hungover and in no state to look after the kids) and I said I felt he had showed no respect for me in doing that which was upsetting considering he ALWAYS gets his Saturday lie in. I then suggested the idea of him helping out one night a week whereby I express enough milk for him to do the night feeds and I go and sleep in another room.

Well...! I could see he was not liking that. "It'd have to be at the weekend"- "ok". "How are you going to express enough for a night?"- "I'll do some every day, we can start next weekend." "Why do you get to sleep in a different room?"- "So I can have one night's undisturbed sleep in the week." 

It basically ended up with him saying it was unfair, the weekends are for him to catch up on sleep he needs for the week (I was gobsmacked) and he was going to sleep on the sofa every night so he could have undisturbed sleep- I told him he'd better get familiar with his hand then... Strangely enough he did come to bed last night...

I am all out of ideas. I cannot believe he does not and will not have any intention of supporting me, even at the weekend he doesn't like me having naps in the day. He can SEE I am tired, he knows I am tired, yet he will not accommodate in any way my need to catch up on sleep because it is an inconvenience to him. He said did I want him to move out? He said this when we last fell out- I get the idea when I say no it's him saying "well you know how things are so deal with it." 

Do I seriously have to put up and shut up with this? How do I make boundaries with this- the anger and resentment is overwhelming, I want to scream in his face how much he is hurting me, I feel he has no respect for my feelings at all.


----------



## Sunsh1n3 (Mar 8, 2011)

_He said did I want him to move out? He said this when we last fell out- I get the idea when I say no it's him saying "well you know how things are so deal with it." _


Why dont you let him move out for a bit.... scare him!!! its completely his child as it is yours and without his help, how are you ever going to cope! if he doesnt see that then hes not the guy u thought he was. I wud let him move out and see how much he copes then. Men sumtimes need a good scare to get their a** in gear!!!


----------



## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

You sound exhausted hun, and that's probably making everything seem even more heightened than it actually is, emotion wise. But he is being of absolutely no help. I hate to say it but maybe sunshine has a point. Is there anything you can do to offer yourself some relief? Are you close with your family? Could you move back home with the kids for a week, and get some help from your mother or a close relative while you catch up on your sleep? You'd get the space to breathe and work out whether you're actually this angry or whether the lack of sleep has made you testy in general, and he would get some of his precious "me" time, which might give him a bit of perspective on the sitaution... Not saying moving out will miraculously change him and make him see he's been taking you for granted, but perhaps it could open his eyes a little to how desperate you're currently feeling... Or maybe have your mum come and stay with you for a bit and pick up the slack?Anything to get your equilibrium back. Perhaps when he sees you getting real support from someone who loves you, he will get his a$$ in gear. Right now talking does not seem to be changing things...


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

He said he needs the weekend to catch up on sleep from the week? Does he work I high stress, long hours job? Not siding with him, just trying to get a feel for why he would say that.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

It really sounds like he is very selfish about the situation, so its hard to offer something that might help. All of my children were premature due to a medical condition with my wife, so I remember having to feed them just a few drops every hour and massaging their neck due to the lack of a swallowing reflex. My wife needed extra sleep because - hey - she just had a baby, and was now in the personal milk business.

I say this only to offer that I was scared out of my mind. My "shift" was usually 2:00 AM through morning for taking care of them, and then I went to work. So many times, I had to wake her up. And yes, I took care of them on weekend nights so she could sleep. I just didn't need as much sleep as her.

I wonder if he is scared, and this is at least a contributor to his avoidance. If so, do you think it would help to work with him to support him when he tries, and tell him you'll not be hurt if he has to wake you from time to time?

I reserve this bit of advice for only the case where he starts to help: If he's making progress, try to look at it from his perspective (scared, panicky) and win more support through positive methods. Yeah, you might say he's a jerk, but the goal is either to fix it or call it quits on the relationship. Emotional actions we do rarely fit in between.

I'm sorry you are going through this so alone. If he doesn't come around, I think the other poster's advice might be an option.


----------



## Sunsh1n3 (Mar 8, 2011)

I completely agree with Loren....... he needs to appreciate you and rite now its far from that! moving in with your mum or a close relative is a good idea.... let him have his time that he so wants and give yourself the space to think. you cannot continue to do this alone! 

But i stand by what i say..... the guy needs a scare! and but past experiences.... its the only way to get a mans attention!


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

QUOTE=Sunsh1n3;271849]I completely agree with Loren....... he needs to appreciate you and rite now its far from that! moving in with your mum or a close relative is a good idea.... let him have his time that he so wants and give yourself the space to think. you cannot continue to do this alone! 

But i stand by what i say..... the guy needs a scare! and but past experiences.... its the only way to get a mans attention![/QUOTE]


I feel for you. I have a 3 year old and a 3 month old and my H only started helping a month ago with baby (he is scared of babies when wee little). It's not because he discounts mt feelings - it's because he is truly scared. Even then I was upset with him. Thankfully my baby is a good sleeper and I don't need much sleep myself so we're managing. In desperation, I let toddler watch movies and baby sleep in swing right by me while I rest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Sunsh1n3 said:


> I completely agree with Loren....... he needs to appreciate you and rite now its far from that! moving in with your mum or a close relative is a good idea.... let him have his time that he so wants and give yourself the space to think. you cannot continue to do this alone!


Let HIM move out. Why should the kid's home and routine be messed up.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

tobio said:


> Do I seriously have to put up and shut up with this? How do I make boundaries with this- the anger and resentment is overwhelming, I want to scream in his face how much he is hurting me, I feel he has no respect for my feelings at all.


OK. First why not scream in his face how much he is hurting you? Send your kids to your Mum and give it. 

But in the final analysis, you have to ask yourself if this is a deal breaker? You can do other things to get more sleep. You could look at the SLEEP problem as yours to solve. We discussed options in the other thread. The other thing that comes to mind is hiring a mother's helper for a couple of hours a week for you to sleep.

He has made it clear that it IS a deal breaker for him. He keeps asking you if you want him to leave. He is willing to leave you over this issue. So ask yourself, can I get over the resentment MYSELF. 

For ME, I would ask myself ON BALANCE does he support and help me. Is this just one small line he is drawing in the sand of important issue to him. Or is he GENERALLY supportive, helpful and caring, I would say to myself. Self get the rest you need yourself. Solve the problem. But if his overall attitude was, I am going to do whatever I want and when pressed you can like it or lump it, well that would be something of a different matter for me.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Both of you are stressed out by this baby and likely you more so than he. However, he feels overwhelmed too.

It might be useful to do a time estimate for the both of you.

You write down everything you have to do in a typical 24 hour period and he do likewise.

This will air out exactly how many hours he's working and how many hours you are working.

And by working I include taking care of the baby.

Also include how many hours of "free" time and how many hours of sleep.

Oh, and how many hours of boozing it up enough to be hung over.

Use this information as instructive for why you are so tired and why he is.

Then move forward accordingly.


----------



## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Let HIM move out. Why should the kid's home and routine be messed up.


Of course, whatever is easiest for the kids. I suggested she do it first, though, because in this context his suggestion is mostly likely an empty threat designed to get his way, and it may be actual leaps and bounds between him using this emotionally abusive 'threat of abandonment' tactic as avoidance (which the OP has said he has done before) and actually moving out. Plus if she turned the tables on him and insisted he move out, this would heap on a lot more stress and arguments where he could likely play the victim. Her moving out for a week would be taking the step to have a break from her routine, and is an active decision she could make to seek a bit of help, just to show him (and indeed herself) that something needs to change. But I appreciate it's not always feasible, which is why I also suggested that, as an alternative, she have someone come stay and help her out (someone to, in effect, do HIS job, which would help her and maybe open his eyes a little).


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You have to own this one - its clear that he's not going to. Your arguing with him is only hurting you. Screaming in his face won't make things better.

I actually used to have similar issues where my wife would just go and crash for the night - or sometimes leave - as soon as I would get home from work. I complained about it until someone reminded me that I had signed up for the job. And with kids - you have to do what needs to get done and don't waste your time arguing with your spouse.

Find other people who'll help. Find other ways to get extra sleep.

Have things always been unbalanced between the two of you?


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

It sounds like there may be a little more going on than what he is revealing. He wants his sleep, he is going out, he has ask you 2x if you want him gone. If I were you I would start digging a little deeper to see if more is going on with him.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He is being unreasonable. A man who won't help look after his children is not worthy of much respect IMO.

You also need sleep, you both work, he works outside the home, and you inside it.

If it is so easy to do what you do in comparison to what he does, why can't he easily do it for one night and day on the weekend?

Yes he needs sleep but what you are asking for is more than reasonable. 

If he loves and cares about you, he would care about how exhausted you are.

I think he's acting like [email protected]

I would express and then leave him for the night with all the children. Tell him you aren't coming back untill he agrees to do his fair share.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Some great advice, thanks Here is what I know...

OH is not "good" with babies. He feels he can't attach when they're teeny because I am so involved with a) breastfeeding and b) being the stay at home parent. With our toddler he is very hands-onwith everything, he puts the toddler to bed and will tend to him when he wakes (which is VERY occasionally) but has started trying to get me to go and tend to him when this happens- I said no way, if baby wakes up it would be a nightmare!

He is good with most other stuff. Very practical.

He work Mon-Fri but does long days in a very physical job. So he does get tired from that. The thing is, he doesn't help himself by winding down with a couple of beers every evening (he never has a day "off") and going to bed late so he's only getting six or so hours' sleep.

He goes out two/three times a week to meet his best friend for a couple of beers. This is very casual and he doesn't go for long, maybe an hour or two, after the kids are in bed and stuff is sorted in the house. The example I mentioned about him having a hangover happens very rarely now. I have no problem with him letting loose once in a while, I was just so angry because he kept saying he wouldn't be out long, wouldn't be going crazy, then did both of those and was in a right state, the day it was MY lie in. Not on HIS day. I always prioritise his lie in because of him being tired and I was angry but also felt somewhat upset because it felt that he had no respect for me with this.

I have been thinking about how I can work on this myself. My approach at the mo is having very early nights right after the baby is asleep for the evening. It is meaning we haven't spent much time together this week but needs must and it won't be forever. The atmosphere isn't so frosty but it's still not back to ok.

There are school holidays coming up so I am thinking of staying a few days with my parents and the kids. Re:the moving out, I couldn't because of the older kids' schooling.

I am taking each day as it comes at the mo, the extra sleep in the evenings is helping but I am still cancelling the lie in agreement we had at weekends because it's proving of no use to me at all and it's not fair.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

We were talking earlier. I said about cancelling our lie in agreement (he gets Saturday, I get Sunday) because I rarely got mine and wasn't get anything out of it whereas he was getting nearly all of my benefits from it. I said it would be best if we just both got up when the babies wake up to avoid any bad feeling, so it was likely we'd both be up by 7am.

He said no way is he getting up at that time, he's having HIS lie in. I said he knew what he was signing up for when we decided to have the children. He very helpfully said he DIDN'T sign up to have the kids, we just signed up "not to get rid of them" (#1 was unplanned and #2 was a case of "if it happens, it happens", I was happy with 3 (I already have two older kids) but he always wanted two of his own.) Gobsmacked again because despite all this, it is obvious he adores them *shrugs*

I almost WANT him to threaten to move out again, so I can say, yes, you go- and make sure when people ask, you tell them exactly why you have left. I know full well what will happen in the morning, the baby will wake up, I will end up having to get up on my own, he will stay in bed, get up a few hours later and either apologise because he "didn't mean to sleep so long," "didn't hear the baby wake up", or he "deserves a lie in and is having one" although I apparently don't EVER deserve one.

He is being cheery and conversational now, he does this when he knows I'm angry or upset about something, he tries to make me laugh and charm me so I will conveniently "forget" being mad at him, and if I dare to bring it up, he will accuse me of "spoiling" things again or say he can't believe I'm still going on about that. 

I mean, I can easily sort out catching up on sleep the way I have been doing it the last three nights by going to bed very early, but how do I handle things directly with him because I am feeling very resentful, and I don't want to mask things with a happy exterior but be passively aggressively getting at him because it just won't solve anything?


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Tell him you didn't want to have FOUR - and that you've decided which one should go. Either he steps up to your level and becomes a parent, or you put him up for ADOPTION.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

NG- I should clarify I have FOUR kids and don't want five... At the moment with this he's acting about the age of the toddler. The thing is, if you met him you wouldn't believe it because to all intents and purposes he is a fully-functioning human being with the capability to reason about everything else... Which makes it all the more crazy that he's being like this about this.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Does he feel in competition with the attention you give the kids?


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

My instinct was to say no. He's not outwardly jealous.

However, he has said previously that he wishes he'd met me first- that is, before I met my ex and had my first two children. I know he prefers it when it is just me, him and our two children, like when the older two spend time with their dad. I'm not sure that is relevant to this though? Then again I'm not sure what I *do* know right now!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tobio said:


> My instinct was to say no. He's not outwardly jealous.
> 
> However, he has said previously that he wishes he'd met me first- that is, before I met my ex and had my first two children. I know he prefers it when it is just me, him and our two children, like when the older two spend time with their dad. I'm not sure that is relevant to this though? Then again I'm not sure what I *do* know right now!


I think I'm roughly familiar with your situation.

It's a fact that men are passive aggressive when hurting.

The stuff with the kids and not helping, breaking agreements, etc. sounds a bit like, "I know I'm not important enough for you, so I really won't worry about this..."

Sounds like - at the root - he could be seeing the attention lavished on the children with a certain degree of scarcity.

"Not enough Tobio" to go around.

This would account for his resistance to pick up slack.


----------



## NewZealand (Mar 2, 2011)

Hi there

I feel what you need here is compromise. From what I am reading here, he is being really selfish. Get some girlfriends and just go out and let loose. Ask him to look after baby, while you have a time out. You sound exhausted, mentally and physically and need a time away. Asking him to look after baby, one night a week is not unfair or selfish.

Have you perhaps tried a different approach - maybe ask him a different way. I am not sure how your approach is but for me, like any husband - it is all in the way my honey approaches me, if she is gentle, loving and kind, I am up for anything but when she gets selfishly demanding then I react negative.

I can not help but to think, communication from both of you, is the KEY!


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I think I'm roughly familiar with your situation.
> 
> It's a fact that men are passive aggressive when hurting.
> 
> ...


I do feel like I don't have enough attention to go round at times- for the kids. However, I have always sought to prioritise time with him. We go on holiday just us two for example. I make a date for an evening if I want to spend dedicated time with him rather than just vegging out in front of the tv (sort of a staying-in date night if you like.) He has complained quite a bit before that I always "go on" about quality time, yet he wishes we had more of it *shrugs* I have explained I feel it is important to "work" on a relationship, invest the time and effort to get the results; he goes completely against this and says it shouldn't have to be an effort if two people are meant to be.

And I never realised it prior to finding this site but he *is* passive aggressive. Not to a huge degree but it is in him, the snidey comments, digs, jokey comments that don't come across as being so jokey at times. Oh and the corker which I will never forget, "if you hadn't already got kids I would have asked you to marry me a long time ago."



NewZealand said:


> Hi there
> 
> I feel what you need here is compromise. From what I am reading here, he is being really selfish. Get some girlfriends and just go out and let loose. Ask him to look after baby, while you have a time out. You sound exhausted, mentally and physically and need a time away. Asking him to look after baby, one night a week is not unfair or selfish.
> 
> ...


You have touched on something. I am by nature a "nice girl." Equate that to the female equivalent of a "nice guy" as is bandied around here and you get the idea. I have realised however that when I am bothered about something, approaching him in a "nice" way gets me nowhere. He makes all the right noises, "yes baby, aw sorry, I do do that don't I, it won't happen again," etc, and it's in one ear and out the other.

Time passes, things don't change and I get more and more irked. I then explode and it is only THEN he takes notice; and seriously it is ONLY THEN he realises there is a problem. It's like I've mentioned it to him for the first time. Any kind of approach inbetween I try, and it has no effect. It's like I have to scream for him to hear me. Literally.

Oh and this morning things DID explode. I lost my cool trying to get him up when the baby was awake and started ranting and raving, extremely over-emotionally and saying all the things in my head that I would usually filter out. It did the trick- except he said he was getting up to go on the computer to look for houses as he was moving out.

Cue continuation of said "discussion" downstairs. He twisted everything round so it was somehow my fault, it was quite amazing how he managed it I accepted that yes, I DO go on about things, in my defence because if I don't, I don't get heard. He also said that when I am happy, nothing else matters- I asked him to qualify this but he couldn't.

The thing is, he will sit and talk about it, but deflect things onto me. At not one point will he accept that part of being a parent is the getting up with baby- he doesn't say it isn't but he won't explicitly answer it with a yes or no. He shows no sympathy or acknowledgement that I am tired because of six months of broken sleep. I know I have to "own" this part of it, and have been starting to go to bed quite early, yet he had to jump on the fact I stayed up later last night. Yes I could have gone to bed earlier. But that does not in any way mean he DOESN'T have to get up in the morning.

I have just been doing some "angry" cleaning (weird how that is my outlet for anger but works for me!) and he went out with the two littlest (the oldest two are having a sleepover elsewhere. The atmosphere is still frosty and I still have no idea how to resolve my feelings of resentment. I can't let go of them- no they're not doing me any good but I feel so driven to NEED to get him as involved in parenting as he should be, mainly because I feel to accept any less means he is not respecting me and taking me for granted, wanting to have the good, fun parts and not the harder ones.

Any feedback welcomed.


----------



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

tobio said:


> My instinct was to say no. He's not outwardly jealous.
> 
> However, he has said previously that he wishes he'd met me first- that is, before I met my ex and had my first two children. I know he prefers it when it is just me, him and our two children, like when the older two spend time with their dad. I'm not sure that is relevant to this though? Then again I'm not sure what I *do* know right now!


How long did you keep first two kids hidden before he met them? Oh you didn't? I think it's cruel for him to make comments 'wishing' your older two gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

