# Should I leave behind a walk-away-wife



## martin2 (Nov 14, 2012)

Good God! Where to start? Last fall, my dear wife told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". A week later, she tells me that she is in love with a co-worker. She tells me that she hasn't done anything but really wants to. Well, I got all beta and decided to be perfect. The stress was so much that I lost 40-50lbs in 2 months (infidelity diet does work) and probably fell into a depression (who knew I could cry so much?). I tried, did a lot of housework, was a better father, and so on. 

A week after Valentine's day, she tells me that it wasn't working. She doesn't feel it for me. Well, I tried to logic her way back. Made her read stuff, tried to tell her how it would affect the kids, etc. That pushed her away. So, the divorce was on - that is what she wanted. It was a live-in separation (I got the futon in the basement). She had thought everything through, and had planned everything, but it required all of the plan to be in place. It would require me to accept her plan--that wasn’t going to happen. My logic was if you want a divorce, you have to want it no matter what (to the full legal extent). I said 50/50 as the law says, but she couldn't afford that. 

With that, we spiraled downward. At home with the kids, there was an uneasy peace, but she refused to talk to me or be in the same room. In fact, my mere presence annoyed her. The venom came out in the emails: I was a small man, I needed to improve, she wanted to be away from me, she needed the new life, she could survive without me, I should move out, and so on.

Well, I had really wanted to get back with her but at that point, I got tired of it all. I stopped caring about our relationship. Secretly, I got my finances ready for divorce, consulted a lawyer and got ready for the possible war. I started working on me. I continued Crossfit (6', now 155lbs of lean me), I started looking for a new job (got a few good offers, some as far as South Africa - live the adventure right?), and put up an online profile to test the waters. 

Not trying hard, I have five ladies I chat with and three who want to meet me (psychologist, doctor and a prof). The women at work have noticed the new and improved me. In fact, the changes I made have stuck. I am liking the new me. I am happier, I feel free, and ready to take on the world. I have only been out with friends but I have met a lot of nice ladies, looking for a tall, fit, educated (who knew a PhD would be so attractive?), mature guy like me. I have been asked to go to lunch/coffee/dinner. I am open to that since my wife wants me gone yesterday. Until last week that is. Now, she got all friendly. I am back in the martial bed. She even initiated (miraculous). 

I am stuck. I know I can find a good loving person if I put myself out there. I can only assume that I can have a happy life with my wife (based on Divorce remedy/ passionate marriage). Her change of heart is sudden and perplexing. It is like a switch went off in the fall and turned back on last week. WTF?

Any suggestions? I feel like the walk away wife was about to run, then decided against it. In the meantime, I discovered that I had wings. I am ready to fly. She should have been careful of what she wished for… she may get it.

Confused.

Me:40 her:40 kids: 3, 12 to 6yrs 
Married 15, together 22 yrs


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You looked needy, clingy and pathetic. Now she sees you look good, confident and sure of yourself. She knows you can be happy with out her. It's called attraction.

You've broken free.

What is your goal?

What do you want now?


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## martin2 (Nov 14, 2012)

Honestly, I don't know what I want. I am going to live for me now. As for my goals, well they mostly relate to work and the kids. In terms of romance, I just want someone loving and loyal next to me, someone I can count on. The identity of that person is kinda open now I suppose...

How does one figure this out?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I should have worded my inquiry clearer?

Could your romantic future include your W?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

well, that's a good question. i'd be a little suspicious that I was the plan b, cause A fell through, whats it from happening again? did you/are you gonna look into some marriage counseling? other than the bedroom move, what has changed about her, she more receptive to you? call/text/care about your day? how much in your eyes do think she's changed or trying? whats different that it was before? These are all questions only you can answer.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

martin2 said:


> Honestly, I don't know what I want. I am going to live for me now. As for my goals, well they mostly relate to work and the kids. In terms of romance, I just want someone loving and loyal next to me, someone I can count on. The identity of that person is kinda open now I suppose...
> 
> How does one figure this out?


You did figure it out.

You know what you want.

Holding to your standard, you will have a woman who meets your standard.

Will your wife meet that standard? Who knows. That is not your decision. It's hers.


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## maudite (Aug 29, 2011)

May I suggest she may be bipolar. That could explain the switch like changes and I have friends who's wives are bipolar and been through the same situation triggered by things as simple as medication changes.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The boyfriend dumped her. You're plan B. and accepting that role will be the most unattractive thing you've done yet.


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## martin2 (Nov 14, 2012)

Thumper:

Was I plan B? I think so. I can't be sure if she actually had decided with certainty. But the signs sure do point that way. 

Can it happen again? Yes. The boards are full of stories of spouses repeating their errors. Why should we be different?

What else has changed? Well, she is happier, talks to me, interacts, she is emailing me like crazy whereas before she had a "let me work" type attitude. She bought tickets for Monster Truck!! She of the Jane Austen persuasion. It is like aliens took away my wife and brought in someone different over the weekend. I am shocked and stunned. I don't know what is going on. I like it but the Spider Sense is going crazy. Something is up, something happened to/with her. What, I don't know.


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## martin2 (Nov 14, 2012)

WOM:

I cannot say if anything happened. I knew where she was at night (at home). She was like a clock, even through all of this. The kids have a heavy set of activities. We both have to be home at night. What happened during the day? I couldn't say. Training lunches, client meetings could have been excuses.

maudite:

She isn't bipolar. She is resolved though. Rarely does she change her mind once it is decided.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

well maybe, just maybe it worked enough to make you both happy, if you decide to hold on. The only thing that matters is "do you love her?, love her enough to forgive whats happened between you and move and work on not letting it happen again. Keep it fresh always.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If your looking for a magical pill that will allow you to trust her, it doesn't exist. The best you can have is a understanding why or what happened, so you can move forward.

Are you willing to give it time?

Is she willing to do the same? 

It seems like you need to watch her actions a bit more to tell what she wants and what you'll accept.


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## martin2 (Nov 14, 2012)

Plan9:

She doesn't use her phone (or guard it), her work email is invisible to me, she has no extra phone (I pay the credit card bills). Her cash withdrawls are in keeping with what she has taken out weekly for the last 5 years. There is nothing in her wallet, coat, room, etc. that would cause me to question. Just her statements of intent and her emails to me. Now there is a history of mid-life crises in her family. All 4 kids went through a form of it at about 40.

I am in the dark and I am not sure I can infer much based on what I got. Did she have a boyfriend? Can't say. I don't think so. There was no obsessive communication, particularly on weekends.

Was she thinking about it? Yes. The actions and statements were there, particularly towards me.

Is she evaluating her life? Yes. She is even considering changing jobs. Signs point to a mid-life evaluation.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Whoa, Whoa, WHoa. She initiated and you didn't have to "make love to her all day". Wait a minute now. You mean you've given her less time and actually make her have to compete for your attention and she initates? Na man. can't be. You're supposed to bring home flowers, converse for an hour, make tea, and then maybe If Saturn is aligned with asteroid number 134340 you get some nookie. You make it sound like, like before the marriage...


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

First of all, good job taking control of your life and preparing for the worst. A lot of people get stuck and lose direction at this stage.

You need to sit down and figure out which direction you want to go. The change in your wife is probably a combination of the fact that you did not fall on your sword and give in to all of her demands. Also, most likely, her work place romance fell apart. She is falling back on you as plan B since plan A disappeared.

Key question, do you want to remain married to your wife? After as many years as you have together, it would be a waste to throw it all away without trying. However, earning the trust back that is lost after an affair is difficult.

Keep up all your progress towards being a better person, it is a good thing. The one thing I would change is not go out and flirt with other women. If you do decide to leave your wife, take the time to truly heal from your marriage before jumping into something new. It takes about a year for every 4-5 years of marriage for most to work through the end of the marriage before they are ready to get involved again.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I'd just be straight with her and ask her what changed. She was pretty upfront with you, assuming you got the truth back in the fall. 

Don't hesitate to tell her you're not full of trust at the moment, you might not be in love with her anymore after what happened, and, yeah, you have options too.

I'd probably go back to the futon and let her know that you're still preparing for divorce - and on your terms. Doesn't mean you have to follow through with it. Remind her it was her choice.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

martin2 said:


> I don't know what is going on. I like it but the Spider Sense is going crazy. Something is up, something happened to/with her. What, I don't know.


Crazy question, but have you thought to simply ASK her why she has changed her attitude??


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## martin2 (Nov 14, 2012)

theseus, dubsey:

I was leaning towards being straight and asking her. I will do that. I was hesitating, in case I missed something. I came to the boards looking for another perspective, from people with no skin in the game.

C3156:

In hind-sight, I see that the flirting was a mistake. Last fall, she was encouraging me to explore my options. Now, I can only guess that she has changed her mind.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

just be direct. Admit you believe you're a plan B, and you think it sucks and are absurdly skeptical about her change in direction.

Tell her that based on her suggestion, you finally got comfortable exploring your options. You love her, but at this point, aren't sure if you're in love with her.

Remind her she put you in this situation, then shrug your shoulders and walk away.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok so my comments are about things that are very much water under the bridge but I will comment anyway.

When she gave you the ILYBIANILWY that would have been the time to investogate an affair. As it turns out she told you she was in one. Which really means she was way way down the road from just an early EA. Also likely a PA around that time or for sure a day or two later since she told you. That was the point in telling you.

BUT, you should have insisted right then and there that she quit her job and go NC with the guy. That was your opportunity to save the marriage. But you let her have her affair. I get it. You finally moved on and I commend you for that.

What is my point? Well first off this is not a walk away wife. This is a cheating wife. But my real point is that I think you already chose to let her go. So I say move on. The time to save your marriage was before she took this to a PA. Which realistically it may have been by the time you found out anyway.

I say move on. She chose another guy over you. Now she expects you to get .... ummm seconds. NFW.
Find a faithful woman.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

dubsey said:


> just be direct. Admit you believe you're a plan B, and you think it sucks and are absurdly skeptical about her change in direction.
> 
> Tell her that based on her suggestion, you finally got comfortable exploring your options. You love her, but at this point, aren't sure if you're in love with her.
> 
> Remind her she put you in this situation, then shrug your shoulders and walk away.




Impressive response here. /applaud


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. It's a quick read and will explain a lot about what's going on with your wife.

Your marriage has been going through a serious crisis. There are ways to repair your marriage.

There are a lot of people here who were cheated on and are angry. (I've been cheated on too.) Their first advice is usually to tell a man whose wife had an EA to just leave her and just show her.

My advice is to fight for your marriage.

What were the problems in your marriage before you found out about the affair? What things did your wife tell you she felt were problems?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

martin2 said:


> Good God! Where to start? Last fall, my dear wife told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". A week later, she tells me that she is in love with a co-worker. She tells me that she hasn't done anything but really wants to. Well, I got all beta and decided to be perfect. The stress was so much that I lost 40-50lbs in 2 months (infidelity diet does work) and probably fell into a depression (who knew I could cry so much?). I tried, did a lot of housework, was a better father, and so on.
> 
> A week after Valentine's day, she tells me that it wasn't working. She doesn't feel it for me. Well, I tried to logic her way back. Made her read stuff, tried to tell her how it would affect the kids, etc. That pushed her away. So, the divorce was on - that is what she wanted. It was a live-in separation (I got the futon in the basement). She had thought everything through, and had planned everything, but it required all of the plan to be in place. It would require me to accept her plan--that wasn’t going to happen. My logic was if you want a divorce, you have to want it no matter what (to the full legal extent). I said 50/50 as the law says, but she couldn't afford that.
> 
> ...


First of all don't rugsweep how she treated you. You need to get her to be honest about the OM even if it means a polygraph. Before you rush to divorce with 3 young children, you need her truth & intense marriage counseling.

I get that it feels good to have all those women want you but you don't really know anything about them. You still have a wife & a family. A single Father of 3 carries a lot of baggage into a new relationship.

I am in the camp to work on this marriage first before bolting.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Her Boy Toy ditched her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

since my post can be read a variety of ways, I'd like to make clear, I'm not advocating walking out on your wife.

However, I am advocating being a giant prick for a while and making her earn her way back in. It's how you'll find out the truth, IMO, and make sure this doesn't happen again in 18 months after you let her back in.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

martin2 said:


> Good God! Where to start? Last fall, my dear wife told me "I love you but I'm not in love with you". A week later, she tells me that she is in love with a co-worker. She tells me that she hasn't done anything but really wants to. Well, I got all beta and decided to be perfect. The stress was so much that I lost 40-50lbs in 2 months (infidelity diet does work) and probably fell into a depression (who knew I could cry so much?). I tried, did a lot of housework, was a better father, and so on.
> 
> A week after Valentine's day, she tells me that it wasn't working. She doesn't feel it for me. Well, I tried to logic her way back. Made her read stuff, tried to tell her how it would affect the kids, etc. That pushed her away. So, the divorce was on - that is what she wanted. It was a live-in separation (I got the futon in the basement). She had thought everything through, and had planned everything, but it required all of the plan to be in place. It would require me to accept her plan--that wasn’t going to happen. My logic was if you want a divorce, you have to want it no matter what (to the full legal extent). I said 50/50 as the law says, but she couldn't afford that.
> 
> ...



Get std tested first. She was already having sex with her co-worker. If at all she wants to get back with you, let her do it.(Not just sex). Let her acknowledge what she did, come cean with the truth and even probably quit/change her job. Is this co-worker married ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And don't let her manipulate you with sex. Most common mistake.

Have you stopped seeing other woman ?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

martin2 said:


> theseus, dubsey:
> 
> I was leaning towards being straight and asking her. I will do that. I was hesitating, in case I missed something. I came to the boards looking for another perspective, from people with no skin in the game.
> 
> ...


Do you think your wife had a physical affair with the co-worker?

What some of the others posted is the typical (I mean like close to 100% of the time) modus operandi of the cheater:

1. I love you but I'm not "in love" with you means "I'm in love with someone else."

2. If the spouse tells you they are interested in another person and set up a "separation" or "need space," it is so they can bang the other person without guilt. In their minds, they no longer are married. Usually they start banging the other person before they tell you.

I think trying to reconcile is fine if that's what you want, but you would be a fool to try it UNLESS you find out THE TRUTH of WHY your wife did what she did in the first place, and WHY now she has changed. Use a healthy dose of skepticism when evaluating her reasons. Your wife acted very selfishly when she was trying to force her divorce conditions on you, so look for her to be acting out of selfish reasons now.

Does she have any close family members or best friends/confidants that she confides in. If she does, you might be able to find out what she's up to by getting a couple of voice-activated recorders and heavy-duty velcro and putting one in her car and one in the house where she is likely to talk when you are not around.


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