# I'm sick of this pretending



## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

I'll cut to the chase. I am a SAHM with 2 girls, ages 6 and 2. My husband and I married for 5 years, dated for 5 months before that when we got pregnant. Got married a year after she was born. 
I KNEW he was quiet and not much of a talker but I also hoped I could bring it out of him since I am so outgoing and spunky. Problem is I can't change people. Now... 2 kids in the mix. While we make decent roommates and can co-parent pretty well, I can't leave. Why would I want to leave? Well, he is not supportive. He disagrees with so much of what I say. When I am upset with my family, he argues with me instead of supports me or gives me his ear or even a hug. He gets defensive if I say anything about his behavior or that he is hurtful by not being affectionate. He talks in a monotone voice and I can rarely tell if he is in a good mood, a bad mood or if he's tired. He sleeps alot too.
Now... he's a great father. As in, he plays with our kids. He doesn't watch them very well and they get hurt doing avoidable things (falling down the wooden patio steps because he left the gate open and left them unattended). He also couldn't get them dressed or fed without instructions but he does play with them and he loves them alot.
Now, he is a rotten husband. He never, and I mean NEVER talks about random things, things on his mind, nothing ever bothers him or annoys him (except me) and when he DOES get mad, it's through the roof MAD. He's thrown the keys at me in the car once in front of my girls and scared them. He yells (he'll go from completely calm and silent, to suddenly annoyed and screaming) and he gets angry at the oddest times.
The last straw was today. We have the whole weekend to ourselves (girls are away) and on our way to a nice restaurant I wanted to stop at a craft store to use a coupon for our Halloween party. I wanted him with since the party was his idea and he was supposed to help (which he hasn't been). He was such a dead fish in the store and when I laughed at him for being a "fish out of water" in a craft store, he said "well I had to pretend to look at stuff so I didn't feel stupid. Why did we need to go today, of all days? It's my day off to relax". Now I was mad. "we can't go any other time together or we'd have the kids with, plus, this party was your idea and we have 15 people coming! I need more help from you and you haven't shown any enthusiasm at all, but you wanted to do this together and I was looking forward to doing this with you, but you have shown no interest". He says "well I saw how good of a job you were doing and figured you had it covered."

Why do some men prefer to be alone in silence than to do something with their spouse and have a good time? I feel like our good times are forced. I have to motivate him, get him excited... and lastly... he drinks. BUT!!! He makes his own beer so that's his only hobby and therefore, since it's a hobby, he's not a "drinker" but an appreciator. 

So, do I have a question? Maybe. I guess, I don't want to do all the work here. If he's not interested in working 50% then I am not going to devote anymore of MY time into someone who does not want the same thing I do. However, I can't leave. I refuse to be a single mom, I cannot raise 2 girls. I am a stay at home mom and we scrape by so I can be. However, if I left, I would have to get 2 jobs, a crappy apartment, cheap food and I'd have to send my 2 year old to daycare and never see my girls. The thought makes me tear up. 

Can people stay together but as co-parents? Do I dare bring this up to my "husband"? What if he says he wants a divorce. Crap, how many other women out there pretend in a marriage because they feel trapped and want the best for their kids? 

I had to cancel plans with my family tomorrow because he said he won't go. I'm so embarrassed by him lately. Do I still have this Halloween party even though he won't be helping? Why can't he just see what is the best for our kids and quit being so selfish?????!!!!!!

I didn't want to have a long post but it's impossible. Thank you for reading and responding. I appreciate any input.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sounds like he's depressed and has some anger. Could be about the situation, maybe he didn't want this life. Sad to think about but it could be true. Maybe he wanted to do the "right thing" when you got pregnant, but it wasn't what he wanted to do.

How was your relationship before you got pregnant? I ask because my situation is similar, although we were pregnant about 2 months into dating lol. we've been married for 2 years, and got married when the baby was 7 months old.

We've had our issues...they came to a head 3 months ago when he decided to move out. While that was scary and a living hell...we have reconciled and he is now home. We're doing better than we ever were and I look at our separation as the best thing that ever happened to us.

Try talking to him without being defensive and accusatory. I know that may seem difficult, but I learned to let go of my ego and face our issues completely out of Love...it seemed to work and I'm a happier person for it. He is too.

My husband is quiet too. He isn't very social and does have deep anger issues but doesn't take them out on us or me. His issues come from an abusive childhood that he's now dealing with.

When he left, I got myself into independent therapy and it's made a WORLD of difference.


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

Thank you, that is very good advice. 
Before our DD was born, we had our ups and downs but all of our arguments are about communication. He has horrible communication skills, if any. He admits this, too. I think he has aspergers (like adult autism). 
You know, everytime he and I argue, I am the one to try to mend things. I wait until all is calm (usually a few days, and he will always go days and even weeks without talking to me if we get in an argument, even a dumb one) and I eggshell the conversation. I don't blame or accuse. I just feel like it's not reciprocated. We had the discussion before about "is this not the life you wanted?" and he argues that he loves his life and family and me. But his actions don't match his words. He would just prefer to sit in a quiet dark room. (and truthfully, this is not the life I saw myself having, especially for my kids, but I make it the best life I can, for all of our sakes)

We haven't been intimate since August either. We will even go a month without anything (and I have a higher drive than he does and he is not aggressive or assertive at all, I literally have to do all the work or just be in the mood when he gropes me randomly). sorry if that's TMI. August I was complaining about my sister who wouldn't call or email me back about her daughter's b-day. He got sick of my complaining (it doesn't take much sometimes for him to go off) and he told me to just let it go and quit obsessing. Now... while that may have been good advice, it sure was hurtful and unkind. He could have said it nicer or even gave me a hug. So after that, he left the room and we didn't talk for days. Then we started talking again (we have to, with the kids around and all) and slowly we started being happy around each other again. However, we haven't even touched or said I love you since then. I just don't have it in my to pretend to want to do that when I don't feel it or feel it from him. 

I think my problems have an obvious solution (to leave) and I really want to avoid a conversation with him that might have him saying he wants me to leave. He told me before he will never leave this house, why should he, it's his house? That I should leave if I want to leave. SO I keep thinking that we can still live this way but I hope we can pretend to be happy around the girls. Although, I want my girls to see a healthy relationship with a mommy and daddy who love each other and are affectionate and respectful to each other because that's the type of man I want THEM to strive for in their lives (or woman, whatever they choose.)

I am struggling.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, I suggest therapy.


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

yes, thank you. I will look into independent therapy for myself and see if he would like to get tested for depression.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

His lashing out tells me he has some unresolved issues which may or may not include you. like me, you didn't know him all that well when you got pregnant...with me and my husband, we knew were were "the one" on our first date so we were well connected.

we didn't have a fight until just recently. lol.

I suggest writing down how you feel and maybe reading it to him, calmly...time to work on communication. Use a lot of "i feel" and "I think".


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

Your husband is showing signs of depression (sleeping a lot, lack of enthusiasm for life, low sex drive...). Does he go to work? If he does, can he manage to do his job properly?


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

He has his own business, works out of the home but goes out on calls. He has no employers. We see each other ALOT every day. He does his job well, but he is very forgetful and he makes alot of mistakes. He is naturally a calm, even keeled person. He is simple. Yes, that's it, simple. He wants very little, beer, quiet, a comfy couch and probably sex but only when he's had a few drinks. I know the 2 kids fill our days with anxiety and tasks and we are very busy, but aren't all parents? He gets stressed easily and needs alot of sanity breaks and his whole family consists of heavy sleepers and simple folk. Small town/farm raised etc.


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

I should add, his dad left when he was like 9 or 11. He has 3 other sibblings and was poor his whole life (welfare, mom worked all the time, he had to raise his younger sibs). He never saw how a man is supposed to treat a woman and he has a short dating history, no long relationships or meaningful ones.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

stayathomemomandwife said:


> I should add, his dad left when he was like 9 or 11. He has 3 other sibblings and was poor his whole life (welfare, mom worked all the time, he had to raise his younger sibs). He never saw how a man is supposed to treat a woman and he has a short dating history, no long relationships or meaningful ones.


This.

It's also my husband...well, my husband had parents who beat him and abused him beyond comprehension.

He has to deal with this. Oldest children take so much guilt and blame. My husband was also the oldest. 

To you, I suggest releasing your ego. I know your needs aren't being met, and I know the frustration and the "what about me" thoughts...but...release them. Do everything out of love. Fix your husband and you fix your marriage. Well, you can't fix him, but he can be fixed. It takes dedication and will take you to the depths of hell...i've been there while fixing myself (abandonment issues that caused me to be a raging lunatic)...but it's worth it if there's love.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband told me (during our separation and a long talk) that he's never had a relationship (friendship or otherwise) where he could get angry and then make up. He didn't think it was possible.

I swallowed my pride and focused on him. That does not make me weak...it allowed me to feel what he felt. By helping him, I helped myself and now my needs are being met without me asking.


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

Thank you! I will try but I will have to get in that mood. I'm so frustrated and tired. I know he is too and it will be too early to talk right now. He stays angry for awhile and I've picked up this trait, or absorbed his anger. The simplest arguments that I think can be resolved in a matter of a few words, get brushed under the rug after days of ignoring and silence. It's so unhealthy. 

FUnny, I was abused alot as a child, physically and mentally, and of course emotionally but I've healed since then. Not sure what issues my husband has from his childhood, maybe the abandonment but his dad is in his life now, regularly. 
I sometimes think he causes arguments so he has an excuse to drink alot.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think you've healed. I could be wrong, but I thought I healed too and WOW WOW WOW I had not healed.

I suggest some time apart or at least time to think.


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

how would we do time away? He works in the home and I'm a stay at home mom with a kindergartener. I literally have nowhere to go. This is my main issue too. If I had somewhere to go (with my kids) I would have long ago. I think time away might bring some enlightenment. Just don't know how to have time away. I also don't want to hurt my kids. I burst out crying if they say anything like "why are you fighting" or "why is mommy sad". Ugh, it's awful.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then just be silent.

Have you heard of the 180? Look it up


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## stayathomemomandwife (Jul 25, 2011)

I looked up the 180. It's a very good plan. I'll give it a try. It's morning now and he's sober so I think I might try to have a talk with him. I can't stand these long days and days of the silent treatment. It's torture.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You might try sending a PM to Southbound on this forum. His situation with his ex wife sounds similar to your marriage. Ask him for advice on how to approach a quiet man from a small town whose marriage is rocky. He was blindsided by his wife's unhappiness, so he may have some advice about what your husband is thinking.


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