# Advice Please!



## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

First, I would like to disclose that I am a gay man in a same sex relationship. I know many people do not understand or agree with same sex relationships. If that is you, you need not read any further. Why am I posting in a marriage forum you ask? Well, while I am not straight and not married, I feel the issues I am having in my relationship are not necessarily unique to a same sex relationship. If you want to continue reading, please try to forget that I am gay for a moment and try to respond in the same manner you would if this were a male/female relationship. 

Here goes...I have been with my partner for 4.5 years now. The level of intimacy between us has never been great, but the last 3 years has been horrible. To clarify, when I say "intimacy" I do not mean just sex acts. I'm talking about kissing, cuddling, making out...everything. The physical act of sex means less to me than the emotional closeness it brings me. Over the last 3 years, we are physically intimate with one another on average maybe once every 2 months, often even less than that. The longest time gap was about 6 months. Him not wanting to be intimate with me has left me feeling un-attractive, emotionally unfulfilled and lonely. Let me say at 5'8" tall and 150 lbs, I am not fat and I am not ugly either. I had NO trouble getting men before I met my partner and I still turn heads. I have told him many times over the last 3 years how I feel about our relationship and it has fallen on deaf ears. About a month ago I sat him down and told him point blank what I needed to change for me to want to stay in this relationship. I told him I needed sex at least once a week, I needed him to WANT to cuddle and make out with me on a regular basis and I needed him to seek help for what I see as at least a minor case of depression. He became very defensive and told me what I expected was a "fairy tale romance" that does not exist in real life, which I found hurtful. While he has stepped up the "I love you's" and has hugged me and kissed me on the cheek a lot more in the last 4 weeks, that is simply not enough for me. We have had sex ONE time in the last 4 weeks...and ONLY after I called him out on the fact that we had not done it yet 1.5 weeks after the conversation. He has not wanted to cuddle with me nor make out with me. To me, this was a slap in the face and I had enough. I made arrangements to move out and live with a family member. I sat him down last night and told him of my plans. He was understandably upset. He FINALLY revealed to me that he has serious issues with sex. He told me that he would rather jerk off alone than be intimate with me (or anyone else) because the act makes him feel uncomfortable and dirty! (How and I supposed to respond to this?? I felt my eyes getting as big as saucers after he told me). I thought he had no libido, but turns out he jerks off almost everyday when I'm not around! I had no idea! I was totally prepared to walk, but after talking with him I decided that after 4.5 years together, I probably did owe him the chance to change thru counseling and sex therapy. He grudgingly agreed to see a counselor and a sex therapist (if one even exists in our small city) to try to save our relationship. I honestly question if he can/will change and kind of have regrets that I even agreed to stay. I told him that I have realized that I need my partner to want intimacy in all respects all the time...and I'm not sure if he is that person. He agreed that he is not sure he is either, but thought we should find some common ground. I don't disagree that I should try, but I don't want to settle either. I don't want to be old, fat, and gray and wonder if I could have found something really great if I had stepped out of my comfort zone to try to find it. To complicate matters even more, I went online to find what was missing in my relationship and I got myself involved with an emotional affair with another man. To clarify, we have only met one time in person (and only hugged!) but we talk everyday...sometimes we talk more than I talk to my partner. He is a very sexual/intimate person and I really enjoy talking to him. He is clearly a good person I can't help but think I have a better chance of complete happiness with him rather than with my partner. He was very hurt to learn that at this time, I am not leaving my partner, and that makes me feel horrible. I know I probably sound like a horrible person for getting involved in a EA in the first place, but I'm really not. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I don't want to hurt my partner, but I don't want to hurt the man that I dragged into this either. You should know that intimacy is not my only issue with my partner but it is for sure the biggest one. Other issues: I'm not sure I find him all that physically attractive, I question how much we have in common, and I find life with him incredibly dull. He may only be 28 but most of the time he acts like he is 50. As much as I DO love him and as much as he is really good person, I just don't know if he is the best person for me. Advice please!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well, you had my sympathy until I read the infidelity


my opinion is that you need to make a choice- either end all contact with your affair partner and work on the relationship (and tell him what you've done) or end it

you are in a committed relationship and by seeking to fulfill your emotional needs outside of the relationship without ending it first severely clouds your judgement. You are now pumped up with the rush of endorphins of this new and forbidden "love" and we call that a fog.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

You are absolutely right that I messed up by getting involved in a EA and it absolutely is clouding my judgment on how to move forward. Unfortunately, what has been done cannot be undone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

but it can be stopped

let me ask you- if it were legal where you live (or if it is) and you could've gotten married, would you have been? (IOW do you call each other your spouse or view your relationship at this point a marriage?)

because frankly if a straight person came here saying they weren't married but in a 5 year relationship and they started to have an EA, I would basically tell them to do their SO the big favor of getting out so they won't continue to hurt them. Now if that person were married, I would tell them to stop the affair, tell their partner and if the partner was willing see if things could be worked out.


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## ConfusedGuy82 (Nov 18, 2011)

In my state, I CAN get legally married, however, he is only willing to do it if we just go down to the court house and sign the paperwork. He refuses to have any kind of ceremony or party involving friends and family, and to me that is a deal breaker. Does that sound stupid or selfish to you? It's just one more example of what I term his "internalized homophobia" and his lack of desire to validate our relationship to anyone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well sure that can be a deal breaker- that part isn't being selfish

the part where you engaged in an affair instead of breaking it off first was


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