# Just recently found out



## newtothis321 (Sep 19, 2012)

I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair with someone through work. He said he was devastated and that he wanted to end it with her and work on our marriage. he has recently started making statements about feeling trapped and that he can't live with the guilt. He also doesn't seem to be sorry anymore and is acting selfish. he says he does not want a divorce and that will only be up to me, but that he is having a hard time living with what he did. 

Anyone else experience this? Am i in denial? We have two children and they will be devastated if we don't work this out.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You know what's interesting about your post?

All you talk about is what HE did and what HE says and how HE feels.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband has chosen to break his marriage vows. One of the main reasons he is not remorseful is because you have not layed the law down. Now that he has confessed, he needs consequences. If you choose to rush to trust him again and expect him to fix himself with a slap on the hand, then that is being foolish. 

He will definitely continue this, probably not with the same woman, probably with different WOMEN, but he will relapse again and again unless you take action.

How do you take action, make him realize that this is a GREAT hurt to you, it has corrupted the marriage, it has broken, paralyzed your trust, everything he spouts is a lie. You are disgusted, everytime you see him you want to vomit, you dont want him to touch you, you dont want him to talk to you unless it is about him wanting to make REPERATIONS, being remorseful (on his knees..literally), and change into a man that is better than even before the affair because he owes it to you, for the marriage, for your children, for your future.

If you want R (reconciliation), he needs to be preset with these prerequisites. Do not do MC, it is pointless if he is still in contact with OW or actively seeking other partners. Do not cling to him, do not talk to him (unless its necessary), do not answer his texts, do not talk about his affair unless he brings it up, do not have sex with him, do not sleep in the same bed with him, ask him to leave!

If he does not become transparent after the fact, then you are rugsweeping and he will continue his ways. He must give it up, get a new job, move to a different department, he must give you all passwords, no locks on cell phone, no secret emails, no secret phones, no BNO (boys nights out), no sleep overs, no hanging out with friends, no drinking. If he sees this as ridiculous, then he does not want to reconcile, he may say yes but you must look at his ACTIONS. If he says yes and his actions say no, then a R will not work.

You can move to D (divorce) and serve him, and get him to into a withdrawal state from his addiction. YOu need to show him you will move on with out him, becuase honestly, he has moved on and set his attention on another woman. He has traded you for her, his attention is not on you, his feelings are not focused on you, he has betrayed you, lied to you, hurt you, he DOES not love you because that isn't love. 

Read threads on the forum and read the advice given, its really all the same over and over and over again, with these BS (betrayed spouses) who do not listen to experience, and once that BS gets a hang of it they stick around and try to wake up OTHER BS from their "fog", their stubborness, blindness in not being able to see their WS (wayward spouse) for who they really have are or have turned into.


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## Kanga (Sep 5, 2012)

Oh, yes, sounds very familiar.

My WH dropped the bombshell of a ONS on me (turned out to be more than that) and then said to me, you're going to have to decide what you want to do. WTF? No one is prepared for that!

I was devastated, and at one point he told me my reaction, sadness, depression, anger made him lose any hope for us, and he was going to leave me for her.

Later, he told me he couldn't trust himself not to do it again, (and he couldn't keep stringing 2 people along) so it was over for us, as it would be worse for me next time.

So after this I packed up my 3 sons and left. Which, he said, nearly killed him. The OW started looking for apartments for him, but the next day he called if off with her and asked me if I would have him back.

He said me driving out the driveway with the boys made him realise what it would be like.

I can offer sympathy and support, but not really advice, as I did a lot of things that people say not to do.

Sending hugs and every good wish, I hope things work out for you.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Most WS who can't trust themselves to not do it again are admitting that they are not in control of their addiction. THey relapse over and over, and IT IS THE BS that keeps them away from relapse. It is the BS that pulls them back from the "fog", out of the fantasy, into withdrawal. It is the BS that saves them, that fights, it is rare that a WS confesses and becomes 3 times better than before, but it has happened.


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## newtothis321 (Sep 19, 2012)

Thank you for the replies. I thought that I might be in denial. Just so sad for my kids.


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## newtothis321 (Sep 19, 2012)

thank you. I really needed to hear this. I keep making excuses for him. I just don't understand how you don't really even know someone after 20 years....I will find a job, file and focus on helping my children as best I can.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

So you were a stay at home wife? Thats amazing, keep getting stronger! Wake him up, pull him out make your demands but before all that focus on yourself so that you can be strong for your children and he will see you strong and far away leaving him behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newtothis321 (Sep 19, 2012)

Yes. I have been home with my children for the last 9 years (they are almost 11 and 13) It's amazing how a stranger can offer comfort and be so kind and my husband of 20 years can behave this way. he has taken money out of joint accounts and set up an individual account as well as his cell phone, etc. The kids are not even asking where he is at dinner anymore. I'm trying to let them know gently that this might happen but they are just not prepared.

THANK YOU for the advice. I know I have to do this...it's gonna be so hard. Have a job interview on Monday...so at least I'm starting..


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Start giving a crap about him. Focus on you, in your children.

The 180 degree rules


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## newtothis321 (Sep 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Start giving a crap about him. Focus on you,
> 
> Thank you. I will try it. I did notice that I pulled back a little and he came towards me. Just didn't keep it up when I realized he was still seeing the OW. I know, how naive, I thought he stopped seeing her because that is what he said. I just thought that since he didn't stop seeing her we were past the Point of no return. He does still get upset if I don't wear my ring and is jealous of me...which I didn't get. I think if I understand the postings, he is a cake-eater? And I am a rugsweeper. I am officially giving up the rugsweeper role and doing the 180. It will, at the very least, help me.
> 
> ...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to get yourself tested for STDs just in case it went physical. Even if they used condoms.

Would marriage counselling help?


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Some say not to tell your kids but I told mine when my wife dropped it on me.

I made sure not to candy coat it and tell the truth with wife sitting there with me. Now I did not give details. All I said was Mommy does not want to be married to Daddy anymore and want to move. I made sure to tell them it not there fault.

She finially came out of her fog and we got MC. been great since. DD over year and half.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

After a year my wife finially talk to our son and he told her if she did leave he would have never talked to her again. 

Wow sometimes I wonder if they say that at the start the other person will snap out of it faster???


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I think my opinion is a little late now...in the sense that you have realised, and are now making preparations for you and your children. I am impressed.

I will offer it anyway though, as it may still be pertinent in some way.

He was remorseful when you found out because he saw his whole life slip away before his eyes. Panic. He saw the very real consequences and the realisation hit him. As there wasn't any (major) consequences, he saw the OW and still wanted her (there weren't any consequences for wanting her as far as he was concerned, and so wanting her was NOT a scary option), couldn't resist, and so continued with her. That is why he began with talk of:

"feeling trapped and that he can't live with the guilt." - this means he is still seeing her and can't live with the guilt of what he IS doing...that he wants to be with her. He is trapped with you because he wants to be with his new exciting lover. NB. She won't be so exciting in the reality of real life. 

"He also doesn't seem to be sorry anymore and is acting selfish." - because he is still seeing her.

"he says he does not want a divorce and that will only be up to me" - as you said, he wants his cake. He is leaving it to you because he is a coward and wants the best of both worlds. If you split from him, he doesn't have to make that decision, you make that for him. If you leave him he gets to try out life with his mistress, guilt free, he gets to try it without the heavy burden of making the decision to give up his family for her, if you stay he gets to keep you AND his mistress. He can't make the decision because he doesn't know what he wants, in as much as he is scared to give up all he has for the unknown. 

"he is having a hard time living with what he did" - rephrase, he is having a hard time living with what he IS DOING. It is hard work having 2 separate lives, keeping 2 women happy, lying to both, ...the list goes on. 

We all know, you know, that there are consequences to what he has done, and what will happen if he continues. But because he can't SEE them and FEEL them, he continues in his fantasy world of no consequences. 

You NEED to give him consequences and give him them quickly. Hard and real consequences. That is the best and only way you can snap him out of his fantasy world and back to real life. And that is the ONLY chance you have of making it so it does not repeat. He will associate straying with the loss of his family, and will be more likely (if he is that way inclined) to not stray again. Give him a 'Pavlov's dogs' reaction to straying. 

Because he continues to see her after discovery then you must continue on your tough love path. Show him reality, leave and divorce. If he wants his family he will then do ALL he can to reverse that. Do not be soft, and do not allow limbo to happen. That will chip away at what was good about your relationship and allow him to leave on a 'it just didn't work out' scenario. It won't give him the kick in the stomach that will stop him ever cheating again.

Good luck.


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## newtothis321 (Sep 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> I think my opinion is a little late now...in the sense that you have realised, and are now making preparations for you and your children. I am impressed.
> 
> I will offer it anyway though, as it may still be pertinent in some way.
> 
> ...


So is writing up a legal separation good enough for now? We live in VA and with kids you have to be separated for at least a year. He is sleeping the guest room now. If I have him out of the house I feel it will pull the rug out from under the kids. He has been in the guest room for only a week and that is the first time we said anything to the kids. 
I can't say thank you enough for all the advice I have received. Never even knew this "world" existed. So sad to read all the stories. So enlightening to understand the reasons for his erratic behavior lately...even though it's painful at least I have more of the truth regarding the why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

newtothis321 said:


> So is writing up a legal separation good enough for now?


I'm sure it's gotta be court approved. You'll most likely need an attorney to draft it.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

It depends what you are prepared to put up with. It sounds like he may well be continuing in his affair...what do you think? If he is, while he is still under the same roof he feels no pain and sees no consequences. There is still the thought of 'oh she will calm down soon...she will get over it'. If you think he is still seeing someone, do some digging. Don't let on to him though that you are. If you find anything, throw him out. In my opinion anyway. Read some other posts. Put your problems and issues, what you find, up here and get good advice as to what to do and how to do it. Others will know exactly how, as they have been there and done it the right and the wrong way. Use others advice and experience to get through this in the best way.


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