# is it possible to become friends with STBX



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Good Morning Everybody! It has been a while since I have posted on here....unfotunately my situation is still the same. Anyways, my husband and I have been separated and living apart for 6 months now. I am very proud of myself because I feel I am alot stronger than I was 6 months ago...but I still have a long way to go. The only time we text is when it is his weekend with the kids and we have to figure out when/where to meet for the exchange.

Anyhow....an incident happened this past weekend and for some reason it made me so pissed off. I wanted so badly to call/ or text him and give him a piece of my mind...but instead I called my best friend. Here is what happened....my STBX couldn't have the kids on Fri because of work so he said he would pick them up at his parents house on Sat. (Normally he gets them Fri eve and they come back home to me on Sunday afternoon) Since it was July 4th I asked him if he wanted to keep the kids Sunday nite and I could pick them up on Monday...where my husband lives they have an awesome fireworks show on the 3rd...and my boys were excited to be able to go to it....anyways.....I was on FB on the 3rd when I notice my son was on...so I started chatting with him and asking how were the fireworks...he said quiet...I thought that was strange so I asked if they went to Red Hot and Boom? He said no....they just watched fireworks in the neighborhood. I started to get a little pissed then....then as we were chatting some more, the stuff he was saying was confusing me....so I asked him...where r u? He said at grandma and grandpas. I asked why. He said because we celebrated the 4th over here and Dad just left. This is where I got super pissed. #1: I was pissed because my kids were not where I thought they were. Am I wrong to want to know the whereabouts of my kids? A phone called would have been nice. #2: I was pissed because it was like nobody wanted me to know. I am still close to his mom and dad...actually see them on a daily basis....I don't care if they want to spend a holiday with their son....but just tell me...don't keep it a secret. So...after all of that it got me thinking that this isnt how I want our relationship to be....so I texted my STBX and asked him if we could meet later in the week to talk. He never responded. So I texted the same message the next day. A few hrs later he texted back asking what do I want to talk about. I responded by saying I just want to talk. It has now been 2 days and no response from him. I don't get it....it seems as if he is really pissed off at me but I don't know what I did....the text just seems like it is hostile. I want to talk to him in hopes of us learning to be friends again and hoping that when the holidays approach...we could all be together for the sake of the kids....is that too much to ask???? Please would appreciate any input!!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

UGGGgggghhhhhh, is this what I get to look forward to????
OMG Im going to soooooooo not enjoy my stbxw.....

Its not cool to dump the kids off at his folks and go party or whatever.
They should have been with you if that was the plan, or at least, you should have been made aware of where they were. 
GAHHHHH!!!!!!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

I'm wondering the same thing here. Making the attempt to be friendly with STBXH, he wants us to be friends for the kids, for his family, and supposedly for him. Although my guess is that he just wants the OW to think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Knowing how his friendships have fallen by the wayside recently I'm not sure if I even want to be his friend anymore.

You have every right to know where your kids are at any given moment. A simple phone call to you would have been so easy, for him or his parents. Honestly, what were any of them thinking?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Guys, the only way to really move on and open up your heart to love again is to end the marriage with love for the other person. Yes, you can be friends again. Know your heart, let the anger, resentment go and live for you. I don't know how long that could take, but if you let the other person go, you can move on to a loving happy life. This doesn't mean you don't go through the grieving process so having these angry resentful emotions is good as long as you know where they are coming from and you can deal with them and let them go. If you start your new life out with an open heart, anything is possible. As long as you harbor ill will, anger, sadness, sorrow and/or fear you will be trapped in this cylcle of having a closed heart. I can imagine where adultery is concerned that this healing process will take longer but eventually it has to happen in order for you to be truly happy and allow yourself to be loved again.

If you haven't read Dr. John Gray's book on Venus and Mars, starting over, you should take a look at it. I think it has some very insightful information and instructions on learning how to recognize and deal with your emotions.

Freeing yourselves from this pain is the only way to find joy again. I guess that's a no brainer, but learning how to free yourself isn't that easy.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am thinking two things-If that happened to me, I wouldn't be happy that my kids missed out on something fun. I would have rather had them so I could plan something special for the holiday. Also if he doesn't want them during his visitation, what's the point??

Second-Maybe you are getting a bit too mad about the fact they were with their grandparents? Sounds like that situation is theoretically OK, but not really what you're mad about. Maybe I am putting to much of my own feelings into the post, but it sounds like this is a nice, solid thing to vent your anger towards him. I jump on the chance to have something to actually confront my stbx with rather than generic "you screwed me over emotionally" since really, how many times can you go down that path?

If I am way off base, ignore me.


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## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

denise1218 - I hope you can keep us posted on the "friends" situation. I'm going thru the same type of situation. I try to be a friend, but my stbx has a hard time accepting it.


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Sounds like there needs to be better communication and clarification of expectations all around. I can see where you'd be upset.

My stbxh wanted us to go on vacation as a family (with separate bedrooms for us.) I decided that I am not mature enough for this.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

Staircase----no I am not upset that the kids went to their grandparents.....actually I, along with my kids have a very very good relationship....my kids are actually over there all the time. I live 1 mile away from them. I am just upset because it was like nobody wanted me to know and nobody let me know what was going on. I don't care that my STBX does stuff with his folks and I understand if and why I am not invited. However, I do feel I have the right as a mother to know where my kids are and who they are with....I don't feel I can convey these feelings to my STBX without him taking what I say out of context. I am trying to communicate with him....but he is not letting me......


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

It as ABSOLUTELY your right to know EXACTLY where they are!! Not even a question there. I only threw that out there because sometimes personally when I get mad, I get extra mad at the offense and it's not so much about that is it's the fact I have the opportunity to let lose on him. Sounds like that's just my own bias, though.

Ugh, it's unfortunate you can't make someone be reasonable and listen to your message. That's pretty juvenile on his part and I'd be beyond frustrated.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

It is super frustrating!!! It is just strange how you spend 20 years of your life with someone and even though our marriage had ups and downs...we both loved each other. Then "poof"....STBX wants nothing to do with me....makes no sense.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I usually do not chime in when kids are involved in the posts as I do not have any, but to not know where you kids were would be the worst feeling in the world. 

I can't even imagine what you guys, as parents go through emotionally sometimes. I was really looking forward to having kids. I still hope I get to experience that. 

You have every right to know where your kids are. You have every right to be super frustrated at stbx. And yes it is strange isn't it how someone goes from talking to you every day to avoiding and not even acknowledging you at all.


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