# Why marry? Honest question



## bones121 (May 10, 2010)

Hi there 

I'm a 22 (almost 23) year old female. I'm new here, the reason i've signed up is because i need honest advice from people in healthy relationships.

I come from a single parent home. My mom always said Marriage was the biggest mistake of her life. For the longest time all i wanted was to get married and have babies and stay home to take care of them. It was something i never had in my life so i thought for a while that, that is what i wanted. I now believe that I do not want to have children. Which makes me wonder if I should even get married. 

After a lot of research I've learned that contrary to popular belief Humans are the only mammal to enter into monogamous relationships for life. It was thought for quite some time that penguins and certain types of foxes had monogamous relationships but upon DNA testing that myth was busted. 

I do have a boyfriend at the moment and he is interested in marriage and the whole kids thing. I've told him i'm not but we don't really discuss it further than that... we've been dating on and off for 2 years. 

Anyway i guess anyone with an opinion would be welcomed. Thanks


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Even going through what I am right now I STILL think marriage is a good thing. Even more so when raising a family it just is better with 2. Marriage is tough but it also can be one of the most rewarding things.....not all of them end bad and even the ones that end a lot of good things come from it usually.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

How many animals in the animal kindom build planes, drill for oil or have hospitals for the sick? How many animals have as long as an infanthood as we do? 0. That's the main reason for marriage. Human babies need a TON of effort to raise. Having 2 people to share the duties makes it more likely the offspring will survive. IMO you are comparing apples to oranges. Marriage has been a natural ofshoot of the need to raise children. I was raised by a single parent as well. My mom did not have an easy time raising me and had to basically sacrifice everything for me. We also ended up having to move in with my Grandmother because she needed help.

In the end though, if your not comfortable with marriage don't get married.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I'm glad you are reflective and thoughtful and not one to jump into marriage. But, I do feel it is possible you do yourself a disservice if you are allowing your mother's opinion and experience influence you. Many marriages are very good, and those wives would say the exact opposite of what your mother said. Had she herself said the exact opposite, it is doubtful you would question marriage the way you do right now. You'd have a much healthier attitude about it. Yes, I'm saying it is likely your view on the subject is unhealthy. At least give yourself some time to experience love - the kind that makes you want to spend your life with the person. See if you have the same questions and doubts then. If so, then your feelings are genuine. If not, you will know you were influenced. In the very least, you may still have the same question in your mind, but you will be too in love to ponder for long LOL.

Since I made those statements, this is a side note to say I hope you will remain objective, reflective, and thoughtful no matter how in love you may fall. Some people, women mostly, fall so deeply and become controlled by emotions that they are unable to recognize or they ignore there being more about the situation and relationship that is unsavory and unhealthy than there is good about it. I will grant you some simply work out badly. But for the most part, they were bad from the start, just ignored or unrecognized.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I also have to agree it is like comparing apples to oranges. We are NOT animals and that is why we don't live like them


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

No humans may not be 'programmed' to be monogamous - but just as marriage is a choice, so is monogamy. Is it always easy - no - but neither is marriage, it takes work - just like marriage. If you don't think you can overcome your 'programming' then don't get married. But there are many numerous benefits to being married - both the tangible - 2 incomes - and the intangible - the feeling of absolute peace you get being held by your SO as you fall asleep at night.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Bones121, why not bones 206, or is this another animal reference? I will be blunt with you; marriage will either be the best or the worst thing you likely do in your life, so choose wisely.

Take some advice from a man who has made a mistake or two, vet your spouse. Find out what sort of person he is. What his goals are. What his strengths and weaknesses are. Learn how he handles money. Find out whether or not his goals to have a family or not have a family are in line with yours. See how he interacts with his parents and siblings.

Most importantly do not jump into this decision. If it's right, love is above all things patient. Make sure that spiritually his beliefs are in line with yours, because it is difficult to make a marriage go without God at the center of it.

Finally love him and do not give up on your "courting" behaviors once you are married. Don't be afraid of marriage bones121. It's good to commit yourself to someone else. There is a peace, joy, and comfort found in marriage that I've never known anywhere else in my life. Just choose wisely, live wisely, and love wisely.

LIL


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## Rosea (May 10, 2010)

Same here...I used to think about the marriage as you did..get married have kids, take care of the family..have a nice loving husband and all that nonsense. But..very soon in one year of marriage got to know the extreme bitterness marriage has to offer. But not always..things might be good for the other lot. Anyways, marriage is gamble..take a chance ...plunge into it...But be prepared for the worst! I was not at all prepared so still trying to get answers to too many 'Why'...but I know there will be no answers!


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## mitsi_mirage (May 10, 2010)

My opinion about marriage is that it's just a paper legally binding two adults into a formal union. Anyone can get that paper, and carry the title of being "married." 

Being committed to someone else emotionally; as in raising children together, and dedicating yourself to this person until 'death do us part,' is what really counts.

There have been couples who marry, and are divorced the next year. Then there are those who just live together, and have many years of happiness with one another. Marriage, in my opinion, is a term legally used to define the union of two individuals.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bones121 said:


> After a lot of research I've learned that contrary to popular belief Humans are the only mammal to enter into monogamous relationships for life. It was thought for quite some time that penguins and certain types of foxes had monogamous relationships but upon DNA testing that myth was busted.


and contrary to popular belief i would say not many humans enter monogamous relationships for life either. lol. its probably an extremely rare thing. but in any case if it works for our evolution then we'll continue to do it, or try anyway. if it doesnt we'll change. in that respect we're like any mammal. mammals develop social habits that work for their evolution. every group has what works best for its development. 

i think if you dont want kids then marriage is not useful. i actually think it might cause a lot of problems since people get so tied up in the legality of things that divorces get ugly. you can still be with the person you love for as long as you love them.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Get a puppy instead.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Get a puppy instead.


Just be sure to sign a "pre-pup" first!!!

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> Just be sure to sign a "pre-pup" first!!!
> 
> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


Thank you, thank you, folks. We'll be here all week ...


But seriously ... yes at some point in the lives of most men and women do you encounter someone with whom you have an inexplicable attraction, and deep emotional connection. You will want _more_, and will likely _get_ more from that relationship than you had ever previously experienced or thought possible. This will happen. By my reckoning - your current boyfriend ain't it.

Many people consider marriage - just as you indicated in your initial post, like following a roadmap or recipe. Everybody means well, don't get me wrong, but I think many people fail to take the necessary critical steps in evaluating themselves and their potential mate as a marriage partner. We overlook, avoid and overcompensate for shortcomings in the relationship that are easy at the time - but unless addressed, become time bombs, 1, 2 or 10 years down the line.

Everyone who marries believes they will succeed. They mean it when they take vows for a lifetime. The problem is, that a lifetime is going to throw curve balls that you cannot possibly have anticipated when you wed. That is when _being_ a quality partner, and _having_ a quality partner makes all of the difference.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

bones121 said:


> the reason i've signed up is because i need honest advice from people in healthy relationships.
> 
> I come from a single parent home. My mom always said Marriage was the biggest mistake of her life. For the longest time all i wanted was to get married and have babies and stay home to take care of them. It was something i never had in my life so i thought for a while that, that is what i wanted. I now believe that I do not want to have children. Which makes me wonder if I should even get married.


Me personally - I am simply a Huge Romantic at heart & delight in the idea of "being one" with someone, cared for, admired. being His everything & having that someone SO special to give love too & please in return. Always having someone to hold you at night, wake up to in the morning, kiss before parting ways, to depend on, whether sick, horny, happy, sad, mad & whatever we are, being able to share it with your committed partner. 

I have always LOVED the idea of marriage, strived for meeting my Prince probably since I was 12 yrs old. (Met him at 15). At the same time, I knew I always wanted kids, the country home, even staying home to raise them. I had it all planned in my head, I think we all know what deep down will satisfy our souls. 

I too came from a Broken home, so my parents were *not* the best of examples. I think we can learn as much from our Parents mistakes/misfortunes -- to help us in life to not repeat them. If your own Mother never found happiness with a man/marriage , it by no means you are doomed by this fate. My own Mother told me one day she does not believe in "LOVE" like that for herself because she never found it. I feel very sad about that. 

Life is what we make of it, strive for *your* Dreams, Believe. 

But: Choose very very very wisely when dating, this can not be underestimated. Do not settle for 2nd best or someone who does not respect you, make sure you have similar Love Languages -this will help tremendously in understanding your partners needs & his understandning yours. 

Sounds like you wanted all of this -but are now feeling it can not be acheived or just "why bother"-if you do not care to have /raise children, why commit. 

Besides the children, still SO very many benefits- but only if you find the RIGHT person that "completes you". Usually he will share the same dreams/future goals & you will find yourself wanting to be with him almost every hour of the day, and this feeling will not go away after the initial excitement of meeting the 1st few months, but will continue to grow.

Just be sure to be upfront with your boyfriend, if he wants children and you truly do not, this could be a deal breaker for the relationship. Many times if the man is not "right" the women will not have that desire to settle down. It sounds like you have broken up a few times already in 2 yrs. Could this be playing a part?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What amazes me - now that I'm 38 - is how much people change throughout their lives. Wife and I married when we were both 22 - we are both now 38. And we are both the same people, but different. She's not who I married, and I'm not who she married.

It actually amazes me that ANYONE can hold it together given how much we all change. 

Having said that - there are the classic arguments: 2 parents are better than one; having someone there to look after you and help you when you are down; being able to pool financial resources; studies supposedly show married people live longer and children with two parents are more likely to graduate high school, less likely to get pregnant out of wedlock, etc.

If you get married, just realize it is a committment and that - like a house or a car - you have to put in the work to maintain it or it will just fall apart around you.


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

If you're only 22 I'd say you still have a while to ponder marriage especially if you don't want kids right now. Don't rush into it! I was 31 when I got married and boy am I glad I waited! From what I have seen people can change A LOT during their 20s. Many haven't figured out who they really are or what makes them happy. I had the same boyfriend from ages 17-26 and we ended up being very different people by the end of that period. If we would have been married (and he did ask) I would have been stuck in a bad relationship or had to go through a divorce.

I was kind of a lost puppy in my early 20s, kinda happy but really not, mostly a couch potato concentrated on school. In my mid 20s I was introduced to hiking/climbing/mountaineering thanks to a colleage. I'd never thought about mountaineering but it didn't take long for me to realize this kind of stuff made me TRULY HAPPY. I couldn't remember being that happy since childhood. I have remained extremely passionate about it ever since and having a boyfriend/spouse who isn't into it would NEVER work, NEVER. I know its selfish, but I found something that makes me tick and I won't change for anyone. 

Common interests are _very_ important. I've seen many divorces stem from people growing apart. 

It seems there are a lot of girls out there who just want to marry, have kids and raise a family. Getting married young makes sense in that case I guess but its risky. Its probably worth it to have a family if thats what you want most. Sounds to me you're not that type though and I know I'm not. 

I later met a great guy and we dated for 5 years (probably a little too long). We finally decided to get married, more for formality and to please or families than anything really. But you know what? Marriage rocks! For some strange reason it really brought us closer together. Being a wife really feels different somehow even though we've been together so long. Kids have never entered into the equation; marriage is great for many other reasons I have discovered. I highly recommend it but make sure you get the right guy! Good Luck!


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