# Acting like everything is ok...



## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

I told my husband that I want a divorce a couple of weeks ago. Since then, I have made other arrangements for somewhere to stay (I move-in in September). We have created a visitation schedule so he could see the kids. I got my own bank account, and we have split bills. I saw a divorce lawyer on Thursday of last week as well. 
I went out of town this weekend. Just me. He had the kids, and I went up to our cabin for some "alone time". When I got back last night, he said "You can believe me, or not, but I promise I am going to make things right". Then, proceeded to act as if nothing has happened. He is talking about future things. He was flirting with me. He was being really good with the kids...really trying. 
The thing is...I have already made my decision. We have been here before. He promises to change, he promises to stop, he promises all of these things, but a week, a month, a year later...we are right back to where we are now. I don't love him anymore. I cant wait to be free of him. He was a terrible husband, a terrible dad, and I just have nothing left. 

What do I do?? Its so easy to fall back to the "norm", but I dont want to. I have already put way too much effort in, and I am spent. Do I just turn cold? I am not a mean person. I try to always be happy, and have a smile on my face. So I don't know how to handle this. Help.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

My advice... if you're done. Be done. Don't drag it out. That's the right thing for both of you. He'll respect you more later and there is a lot more "later" than now....


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Sounds like he has the broom ready and the rug up. Don't let him rugsweep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mymistake (Jun 18, 2013)

Hi, Needy - I'm right there with you. I've made the decision and filed for divorce but H won't accept it. He promises to "fix" everything if I will just give him 6 more months. What does he expect to be able to do in 6 months? And if he is successful with changing everything I have a problem with, why hasn't he already done that? It just ticks me off that he's known what the issues are for years but I had to actually serve him with the papers to get him to acknowledge that a change was needed. 
Needy - I think you are moving in the right direction with living arrangments and making some time for yourself. If you have no intention or desire to try agian with this man then forge ahead full force. He probably hasn't been preparing for divorce for months like you have, so it will take him some time to catch up to the idea. Good luck and hope things go as well as possible for you and your children.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

What about promises made? Shouldn't they be considered when making a decision?

Was there violence or just not enough attention?

Were you in love or just in love with the idea of getting married?


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Stretch said:


> What about promises made? Shouldn't they be considered when making a decision?
> 
> Was there violence or just not enough attention?
> 
> Were you in love or just in love with the idea of getting married?


EDIT: I wrote a kind of rude thing here out of anger at my own situation, but thought better and have deleted that. Stretch, to me, as long as there is no abuse or cheating there is no reason to divorce and every reason to work on things. But it takes two and if one person doesn't want to participate what can you do. For better or worse.. none of that means anything anymore. Marriage has just become en extended relationship, not a life long commitment based in unconditional love. Women just want divorced in their 30's when they grow up and project onto their poor husbands the dawning realization that their teenage fantasies were just fantasies and what they have instead is a life long commitment from another human being based in unconditional love. By project I mean they see he doesn't meet that fantasy. So the fault is with him. Always. 

What is he supposed to change? I think "he wont change" is so often just an excuse for a woman to cling to her fantasy romance and seek that out elsewhere. "She" can reject the reality she is getting older and reject him because he is a part of that reality, and she can go milf it up, hike up the skirt, show some cleavage and get alternately laughed at and perved on by a million horny men who will play Romeo for the slightly sagging breasts, the deepening wrinkles, the sad sight that is an attractive woman who is aging and won't let go of being a young girl.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

I've been in your position...and promises don't mean anything unless they follow through. My ex told me for years he would change and I never saw it. If I did, it was for a week, then things would go back to how they were. We went to marriage counseling for 3 years and it didn't help. Have you guys tried counseling? Have you tried everything you guys can? If you have, and things haven't shown a change consistantly, then you need to do what is best for you.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

He's in shock! he's shocked and trying to coerce you into coming back to the marriage because he's not emotionally ready to handle the thought of divorce. It's the typical mean/sweet cycle. He bullies you and the kids while he has all the power over you, but he's sweet and extra attentive when you pull away. 

It's what all losers do, men and women. They try to control your life and time through bullying tactics, then flip the switch and make you feel like you're the bad guy for saying "enough is enough" to this unhealthy relationship. Stockholm syndrome anyone? Lol. 

Sex control also counts here... if you're made to feel like a pervert for having romantic and sexual needs and belittled for this, or given crumbs at their discretion, and if it's used to get them something for it later. That's not love that's a transactional relationship. "You scratch my back and maybe I'll lay you on yours, but first meet my list of needs that you know will never make me happy."

Needy, I've talked with you a bit and I'm glad to see you've finally made a break for it. You seem like you're doing a little better, but you're not out of hot water yet. You're still going to have to deal with more of the grief cycle fro him and be twice as strong in your efforts to pull away. If he's screwed you over before he knows all the tricks and ways to tug at your heart strings. And you really need to stay strong for him too! If you two are meant to reconcile he's going to need to bust his ass like never before the change himself. I'm not saying you should go that route or keep your hopes up, but I have seen miracles happen.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I can only speak for me. And I only put those questions out there for everyone to make a honest assessment of their decision.

I ignored the cries for help. I have a huge part and responsibility for not working on my marriage.

However, when I got shocked into the reality I started making the changes that were needed and I will continue to become a better partner.

I just think that for two people that made promises and have shared a life together, really good but not perfect, when the cards are on the table and the person that needs to change starts the process, that last chance effort to save a marriage should be made.

There was so much potential love and happiness that has been thrown away.

I hope all of you find the happiness and companionship you seek.

Peace,
Stretch


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

^amen. 

Some people can't keep promises and feel no remorse when they don't. It's called selfishness and immaturity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you are done then ignore him. Your decision has been made. 

My ex-husband of 45 years promised to change. I had heard that before. This time I ignored it and got the divorce I should have gotten long ago.


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