# Question for Women: Why stay married if your not interested in sex?



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I've read enough threads here to understand the different emotional needs of men and women regarding sex. I've not been perfect husband, but I've been a loyal one. My wife and I have our share of baggage but neither has been abusive. Also, this is not a religous question (as in you think you'll go to hell if you get a divorce) so lets skip the obvious stuff covered elsewhere.

Lets say that your kids are grown up, your both healthy, not obese, the sex you occasionally have is mutually gratifying in most cases, but as so many have said you could go without sex if hubby didn't "need it". Your essentially having pity sex for maintenance reasons and your secretely hoping he looses interest soon (he's getting older by the minute you know....).

This is happening in my marriage and I'm struggling with why my wife finds the idea of letting me go so horrible if she doesn't want to be intimate with me. We are simply on opposite ends of the spectrum these days and I'm feeling a bit like a "paycheck mule". I no longer want to have sex with someone I know doesn't want it. Kind of disgusting to me actually. Even though I'd be financially responsible for her after a divorce I would be a much happier spending time with a partner that I knew had a real desire for me. Pretty basic stuff really. Not pretty to some, but its how I feel.

If you don't need sex from your man then why do you desire to stay married if your man needs sex to maintain a healthy loving relationship? 

If your really interested in his happiness wouldn't it be more loving to let him go gracefully?

Thanks


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You are the one that wants out so go. She is fine with no sex. Not saying its right but that's how it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I could imagine a wife staying married in your situation for any number of reasons. Maybe she feels that there's more to your marriage and how she feels about you than just sex. Maybe physical touch is at the bottom of her 'love languages', but it's at the top of yours.

Not saying it's right for a wife to ignore some of her husband's needs, just as it's not right for the husband to ignore his wife's.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Why not stay? There is no obvious downside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The thing you're failing to understand is that the low drive spouse (male or female) doesn't see the lack of sex as a problem. Sure, they get the whining occasionally, but that's likely a small price to pay for an otherwise comfortable life.

I fail to see why you don't just leave in that situation, if it's so bad. Why should she leave you gracefully? You're the one that doesn't like the situation, so you leave gracefully. Something like "I vowed to be monogamous, not celibate. I chose to leave now while we're both still friends. Thank you for being the mother to my children and my companion for the last xx years, but I need more."

And trust me, I know where you're coming from. I was in your situation, except my kids are still young. But I'm still young enough to want to enjoy myself too. So I chose to leave my marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The LD spouse doesn't see the there is a problem, so in her/his mind there isn't a problem. And doesn't understand why you have an issue with it.. In their mind everything is fine. You can whine and gripe about the lack of sex all you want to them, nothing will change.

The only way you can fix this problem is either 1. give up on ever having a sex life with yr partner OR get out.


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

I can understand your point and find myself at that crossroad.

It has been proven by my husbands multiple cheating that I have been unable to provide him with the amount/variety of sex that he wants. Having young children, being on the contraceptive pill, unsatisfying sex from a husband who only wanted BJs and lack of intimacy and lasting ability eventually wore down my desire for sex.

So yes, I have now often thought that I should just let him go and be with another woman/women who can satisfy him as I am obviously unable to, nor do I have the desire to anymore. I do not want to have to compete with other women. I just want to be able to be who I am without this pressure to perform like some sex goddess in the bedroom.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> I can understand your point and find myself at that crossroad.
> 
> It has been proven by my husbands multiple cheating that I have been unable to provide him with the amount/variety of sex that he wants. Having young children, being on the contraceptive pill, unsatisfying sex from a husband who only wanted BJs and lack of intimacy and lasting ability eventually wore down my desire for sex.
> 
> So yes, I have now often thought that I should just let him go and be with another woman/women who can satisfy him as I am obviously unable to, nor do I have the desire to anymore. I do not want to have to compete with other women. I just want to be able to be who I am without this pressure to perform like some sex goddess in the bedroom.


Sorry to hear about your cheating spouse. I've never cheated but I have done other things that created resentment in my wife. I think it happens in alot of marriages. I changed my ways about 4years ago after a health scare, but I'm starting to think its irreversable damage and she will never look at me the same way. 

Is your lack of desire for all men or just him?


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

That's OK Enginerd, you dont need to apologise for my cheating spouse. I didnt mean to use your thread to complain about my own situation.

At the moment my lack of desire is for all men. It wasnt always like that though.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Sorry to hear about your cheating spouse. I've never cheated but I have done other things that created resentment in my wife. I think it happens in alot of marriages. I changed my ways about 4years ago after a health scare, but I'm starting to think its irreversable damage and she will never look at me the same way.
> 
> Is your lack of desire for all men or just him?


Well it would be helpful to know what you did????

I think sometimes there is no sex because there is no desire. From the female perspective he may not act in a desirable fashion.

Examples would be, not being responsible (taking care of things around the house, putting hobbies before his family etc), allways checking out other women, flirting and watching porn. Being irresponsible with money etc, not being manly and standing up for himself or his wife and so on. Those are just some examples. It's usually not about looks, it's just hard to be attracted to a child man with poor impulse control. (Not saying this is you, some women don't have drives for other reasons and some are just selfish)


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> I can understand your point and find myself at that crossroad.
> 
> It has been proven by my husbands multiple cheating that I have been unable to provide him with the amount/variety of sex that he wants. Having young children, being on the contraceptive pill, unsatisfying sex from a husband who only wanted BJs and lack of intimacy and lasting ability eventually wore down my desire for sex.
> 
> So yes, I have now often thought that I should just let him go and be with another woman/women who can satisfy him as I am obviously unable to, nor do I have the desire to anymore. I do not want to have to compete with other women. I just want to be able to be who I am without this pressure to perform like some sex goddess in the bedroom.


Your behaviour didn't cause his cheating and I wouldn't desire him either, YUCK.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My STBXH made the stupid mistake of acting in a way that would make sex with him ridiculously unreasonable (and I am going to file sexual assault charges against him). I told him I could not ever be intimate again, and he proposed a marriage without sex. Stupidest thing I've ever heard. Sure, put me in a position where I don't want sex with you, and then put me in a position where I have to give it up with everyone else, just to stay in a marriage to have the very smallest ever chance in recorded history to get love that I would never accept being expressed sexually? Or worse, put in a positon where I would crave it and cave in and be absolutely humilated by that?

I think not. If the marriage relationship is not one that promotes healthy sexual expression, COUNT ME OUT.

He probably would have used the no-sex agreement with me to scr*w around with other women, and then blame it on me.

Yes, I realize he is abusive. But just saying, no sex = no marriage. Unless there is a medical reason and then there is also sexual expression and caretaking.


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## Song (Jul 11, 2011)

Enginerd ~ no reason for you to stay married if you're yearning for something more intimate.... Nope, not unless you're willing to use your own two hands for the rest of your life.

Your sexuality is precious, don't let it atrophy like this ~ wow, sex is far too great of a thing to just... let it... go... down... the... drain. On some level you realize what you're missing, don't you?

Have a serious talk with your wife about this and share your feelings honestly. 

Tell her how much you love her and need her.
Tell her how sad this loss of sex makes you feel.

Give her time, she may be missing exactly what you are, but you won't know unless you talk about it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Why women stay married even though they aren't interested in sex?
Is this a serious question? I assume you're employed and she materially benefits from your sweat. She doesn't see LD as a problem because with or without sex, her needs are being met and her needs are her primary concern. It's a simple issue of mind over matter. She doesn't mind cause you don't matter.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

you only live once. You will hurt your wife by leaving but you need too. if your physically capable to having great sex and you still have strong desires for great sex then you are wasting your life by not having it. You probably wouldnt be anymore financially responsible for, if you divorced, then you are now. But atleast you get to find a woman, or women, that actually want you. being someones non sexual roommate for the rest of your life would like torture to me.... I would go and try to live a life worth living instead of being someones comfort provider. Who knows? maybe if you take these steps and your wife sees how much other women desire sex/relationships with you may wake her up and she'll start having sexual desires for you again.

either way. working all day, coming home, eating dinner, talking about your day for 10 mins, watching 45 mins of tv, then going to bed just to wake up and do it all over again seems like a sucky way to live... its up to you to change it and your not getting any younger...


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## 19hsbnd59 (Jul 17, 2011)

I have many similarities to Enginerd's situation and I know where he's coming from.
We've been married 23 years and before we were married and for the first 4 years of our marriage we had a great, soul satisfying sex life. 
Then she became ill. She hid it from me for weeks and kept refusing sex and wouldn't say why. Finally I was taking the bathroom trash out and it was full of very bloody sanitary pads and I realized that it was like that the week before when I gathered the trash. I went and confronted her and she admitted that she'd been having a 'very heavy period for the past 6 weeks'!!!
Got her to go to the doctor (she said she was hoping it would resolve itself) and he diagnosed her with severe endometriosis and cysts on both ovaries. She treated for nearly a year and finally had a total hysterectomy and had both ovaries removed. By that time it had been nearly a year since we'd had sex. The doctor assured us that once she'd healed from the operation, in 6 weeks, and they had her hormones regulated we could go back to our pre-sickness sex life (sex 3 - 4 times a week). I was about to burst waiting for her to heal, but I'd waited that long, I could wait a little longer. Six weeks passed and then when I approached her she said she didn't feel like it. I asked her if she was in pain (she'd been in horrible pain due to endometriosis), she snapped at me and said, 'No, I'm not in pain. Can't I just not feel like it?' To which I replied, 'Sure I understand that sometimes you don't feel like it, but it's been a year, you've healed from the surgery, you're not in pain now I thought you'd be wanting to as much as I do.'
Then she told me, 'I really have no interest in sex anymore.' and she meant it.
We went to doctors, therapists, etc and tried all kinds of hormones and anti-depressants and nothing worked.
She never did go back to work, she seemed to never really get over her hysterectomy and over the years was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and later lupus.
To make a long story short, for almost 20 years now we have been a one income family, sometimes when it becomes tight I'll take a second job, but I have a long commute, work all day, do a load or two of laundry before I leave for work, come home, fix us supper and do the dishes and watch TV and go to sleep. 
I've been very, very lonely and frustrated. I used to think she'd get better, but it's obvious that she won't and doesn't want to as far as having a sex life again. 
She's nothing like the woman I fell in love with and married. She doesn't enjoy any of the things that we used to do together, we had dreams and plans, but with one income we live paycheck to paycheck and do nothing.
I've been faithful to her. I tell myself that if I'd gotten sick and couldn't have sex or work she'd stick with me and take care of me, but as time goes on I doubt that that is true. She could help me now, but won't. 
I think sometimes I'd like to leave her and find somebody, before I'm too old, who would want me and appreciate me, but I am afraid of being financially destroyed by a divorce. This is my second marriage, the first one ended after 5 years when she announced she wanted to find herself and the courts took everything I had and I had to go and live with my parents and start all over again. I'm 53 now and my parents are dead and I do not want to lose everything I have in a divorce and start over at age 53.

I'm miserable, and I know I could leave, but and this will sound stupid and old fashioned (which I guess I am), but I promised her I'd love her and stick with her through thick and thin and sickness and health and I pride myself on being a man of my word, but this marriage seems like a one way street.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

19hsbnd59 said:


> I have many similarities to Enginerd's situation and I know where he's coming from.
> We've been married 23 years and before we were married and for the first 4 years of our marriage we had a great, soul satisfying sex life.
> Then she became ill. She hid it from me for weeks and kept refusing sex and wouldn't say why. Finally I was taking the bathroom trash out and it was full of very bloody sanitary pads and I realized that it was like that the week before when I gathered the trash. I went and confronted her and she admitted that she'd been having a 'very heavy period for the past 6 weeks'!!!
> Got her to go to the doctor (she said she was hoping it would resolve itself) and he diagnosed her with severe endometriosis and cysts on both ovaries. She treated for nearly a year and finally had a total hysterectomy and had both ovaries removed. By that time it had been nearly a year since we'd had sex. The doctor assured us that once she'd healed from the operation, in 6 weeks, and they had her hormones regulated we could go back to our pre-sickness sex life (sex 3 - 4 times a week). I was about to burst waiting for her to heal, but I'd waited that long, I could wait a little longer. Six weeks passed and then when I approached her she said she didn't feel like it. I asked her if she was in pain (she'd been in horrible pain due to endometriosis), she snapped at me and said, 'No, I'm not in pain. Can't I just not feel like it?' To which I replied, 'Sure I understand that sometimes you don't feel like it, but it's been a year, you've healed from the surgery, you're not in pain now I thought you'd be wanting to as much as I do.'
> ...


19,
I don't even know what to say accept to say you are heard and my heart goes out to you. That is of little comfort I am sure. There are lots of great people here who can help you or at least sympathize with you and offer you words of comfort. Hopefully you will find the support you need here.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

19hsbnd59 said:


> I have many similarities to Enginerd's situation and I know where he's coming from.
> We've been married 23 years and before we were married and for the first 4 years of our marriage we had a great, soul satisfying sex life.
> Then she became ill. She hid it from me for weeks and kept refusing sex and wouldn't say why. Finally I was taking the bathroom trash out and it was full of very bloody sanitary pads and I realized that it was like that the week before when I gathered the trash. I went and confronted her and she admitted that she'd been having a 'very heavy period for the past 6 weeks'!!!
> Got her to go to the doctor (she said she was hoping it would resolve itself) and he diagnosed her with severe endometriosis and cysts on both ovaries. She treated for nearly a year and finally had a total hysterectomy and had both ovaries removed. By that time it had been nearly a year since we'd had sex. The doctor assured us that once she'd healed from the operation, in 6 weeks, and they had her hormones regulated we could go back to our pre-sickness sex life (sex 3 - 4 times a week). I was about to burst waiting for her to heal, but I'd waited that long, I could wait a little longer. Six weeks passed and then when I approached her she said she didn't feel like it. I asked her if she was in pain (she'd been in horrible pain due to endometriosis), she snapped at me and said, 'No, I'm not in pain. Can't I just not feel like it?' To which I replied, 'Sure I understand that sometimes you don't feel like it, but it's been a year, you've healed from the surgery, you're not in pain now I thought you'd be wanting to as much as I do.'
> ...


These are the kinds of stories that seriously break my heart. I have abounding sympathy for any husband in such a situation, who is willing to sacrifice what so many of us take for granted, 
but at what cost. The cost is FAR GREATER than most of us could imagine, it takes how we feel about ourselves, our enthusiam, our joy of life & living, having something exciting to wake up too. 

Just beings that his wife is sick, makes this doubly harder on him -and open to more judgement if he leaves, even on himself for doing such a thing. 

As excrushiating as it would be, I would not expect my husband to stay with me & give up that part of his life, I would have to step up & do my part to satisfy him or I would seriously feel guiilty and ashamed if he stayed with me & was suffering in this way. I would want my husbands happiness and fullfillment , anything less would not be acceptable -if I had hands to use and other body parts please. 

You ARE living this for her


> “Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.”


 but she is NOT living this for you. 

How much does a man need for happiness here I ask? You would probably jump for joy with even 1 hour a week of evena little enthusiastic hands on , touch, caress. 

It's just not right, I feel for you deeply.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> That's OK Enginerd, you dont need to apologise for my cheating spouse. I didnt mean to use your thread to complain about my own situation.
> 
> At the moment my lack of desire is for all men. It wasnt always like that though.


Thanks for the response. Naturally, I am having trouble accepting the concept that so many women appear to have a total lack of desire for men. I love my wife and I'm trying to understand her better.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

19hsbnd59 said:


> I have many similarities to Enginerd's situation and I know where he's coming from.
> We've been married 23 years and before we were married and for the first 4 years of our marriage we had a great, soul satisfying sex life.
> Then she became ill. She hid it from me for weeks and kept refusing sex and wouldn't say why. Finally I was taking the bathroom trash out and it was full of very bloody sanitary pads and I realized that it was like that the week before when I gathered the trash. I went and confronted her and she admitted that she'd been having a 'very heavy period for the past 6 weeks'!!!
> Got her to go to the doctor (she said she was hoping it would resolve itself) and he diagnosed her with severe endometriosis and cysts on both ovaries. She treated for nearly a year and finally had a total hysterectomy and had both ovaries removed. By that time it had been nearly a year since we'd had sex. The doctor assured us that once she'd healed from the operation, in 6 weeks, and they had her hormones regulated we could go back to our pre-sickness sex life (sex 3 - 4 times a week). I was about to burst waiting for her to heal, but I'd waited that long, I could wait a little longer. Six weeks passed and then when I approached her she said she didn't feel like it. I asked her if she was in pain (she'd been in horrible pain due to endometriosis), she snapped at me and said, 'No, I'm not in pain. Can't I just not feel like it?' To which I replied, 'Sure I understand that sometimes you don't feel like it, but it's been a year, you've healed from the surgery, you're not in pain now I thought you'd be wanting to as much as I do.'
> ...



Wow. Not sure what to say. Your situation makes me a little embarrassed about complaining about mine. Lupus is a serious disease that I've seen up close but the people I knew with it still carried on with their lives the best they could. It sounds like she has become comfortable with you taking care of her in every way. It might be time to shake things up a bit. Change your routine ect...


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Why not stay? There is no obvious downside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Apparently you don't believe a spouse has a right to some happiness? Not sure about your situation but wouldn't feel like you were stealing a part of someones life?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Thanks for the response. Naturally, I am having trouble accepting the concept that so many women appear to have a total lack of desire for men. I love my wife and I'm trying to understand her better.


While I am sure that there are some women who likely have no desire for men at certain points, most women do have desire. But sometimes that desire can seriously be eroded in a relationship over time due to many factors. For women, we just don't have the constant diet of testosterone that a man has, and we tend to need a bit more emotional 'feeding' from our man to keep the appetite of desire going.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> The thing you're failing to understand is that the low drive spouse (male or female) doesn't see the lack of sex as a problem. Sure, they get the whining occasionally, but that's likely a small price to pay for an otherwise comfortable life.
> 
> I fail to see why you don't just leave in that situation, if it's so bad. Why should she leave you gracefully? You're the one that doesn't like the situation, so you leave gracefully. Something like "I vowed to be monogamous, not celibate. I chose to leave now while we're both still friends. Thank you for being the mother to my children and my companion for the last xx years, but I need more."
> 
> ...


:iagree: I am the HD spouse


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Well, I'll give you my take as a man who acted decisively (eventually) on the "no-sex" situation.

Some people here choose "Open Marriage", others choose divorce. I chose the latter.

The answer to your question is so simple that I can't believe it hasn't been explored.

The reason is, despite your wife not wanting to have sex with you, she probably loves you with all of her heart. You share children, you share finances, you share chores, you are sharing a lot of other things besides your bodies.

So, to just let that go gracefully as you say. . .well, easier said than done.

All I can say is having ventured down the Path of Divorce, don't think it's all Green Grass Meadows and prancing deer over here. There are a lot of armchair quarterbacks here that will tell you to run a Flea-Flicker Divorce on every play. 

Divorce is not a panacea.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Now, let's do a "Thought Experiment" here using my experience.

I was a 41 year old healthy male when I divorced. I was the "HD spouse" and we had sex 1x in the previous year (which resulted in a pregnancy - go ahead and lol at that one).

I just want to relate what happened to me after I divorced as far as the libido.

It went down.

Don't get me wrong. . .maybe it's age. . .maybe it's the fact I can get it now from my gf once/week but it just doesn't command the importance anymore that it used to. I still love sex and I think I am good in bed and could do it 3-5x/week if my life wasn't such a cluster-f right now. But. . It doesn't have the "hold" over me that it used to.

So, I must admit - I occasionally reflect back adn then wonder if the divorce was the right decision.

It was, I conclude. We were very far off culturally.

If you are a Trekkie, it was like a Klingon (me) married a Ferrengi (her). . .just motivated by different things, neither one right or wrong. I was more the passionate warrior, motivated by honor and service. She was motivated by wealth and fostering partnership.

But what if we were compatible in every other way and I had divorced her on sex alone?

I want you to think this out.

You see. . .I think Dr. Phil said it best. . ."When there is no sex, it feels like everything is wrong. When there is sex, it's really only about 10% of the relationship."

I have a gf right now whom I am very compatible with sexually. She says I am the best she's ever had (well, but of course  ) and likewise. But I honestly worry about all the otehr dimensions (finances, health, childrearing).

I haven't heard you complain about the other 90%.

A relationship may actually be like this:

30% Childrearing
30% Finances
10% Shared activity
20% Shared chores
10% Sex

Of coruse, the percentages morph over the passage of time.

The problem is. . .and why sex is the most visited forum here (besides you all being horny toads  ) is sex is the "Trump Card."

I do realize that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> If you are a Trekkie, it was like a Klingon (me) married a Ferrengi (her). . .


:smthumbup: nice analogy.

I really appreciate reading your responses when I've seen you post about this. My H and I have gone through some of this together (I'm the HD spouse) and we also started having some other differences which when compounded, almost lead us to breaking point. We hung in there together and it feels like we're experiencing a deeper connection now. Affection and love were always there. The walls he'd built unrelated to me are slowly coming down. We have both taken a good hard look at ourselves, which has not been easy but necessary. Oh and the sex life is definitely improving as a result. 

When it's all that I could think about, it started clouding a lot of the good we did have. 

Your insight speaks to me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> Apparently you don't believe a spouse has a right to some happiness? Not sure about your situation but wouldn't feel like you were stealing a part of someones life?


I don't think people who do that are concerned about it.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

For years I had to ask for sex from my H and he'd get into bed and sleep. I couldn't understand why at the time and the marriage began its spiral downward. Truth was he didn't feel good about HIMSELF.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> Now, let's do a "Thought Experiment" here using my experience.
> 
> I was a 41 year old healthy male when I divorced. I was the "HD spouse" and we had sex 1x in the previous year (which resulted in a pregnancy - go ahead and lol at that one).
> 
> ...


Well I don't like Dr. Phil much (He isn't a doctor and is a shameless TV *****.), but I do agree with this quote "When there is no sex, it feels like everything is wrong. When there is sex, it's really only about 10% of the relationship." 

There are other things wrong with my marriage that I choose not to mention here because I wanted this thread to be focused on why there appears to be more women then men that are willing to accept a sexless marriage. Basically, I would like to understand the thought process behind it so I can understand my wife. She cannot or will not explain herself to me so its been a challenge to know if there's hope. I've seen some post divorce carnage and I will not throw in the towel easily. My wife is a good person, a good mother and she is not cheating, but she appears to have lost her zest for life and I think our sex life is just one of the casualties. I've always had enough emotional energy to push through our stuff or to compensate for her lack of zeal, but I'm starting to struggle with it on a daily basis now.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

for me, sex is a huge part of what makes me happy, and makes everything else in my world much less stressful. dr phil be damned.

of course im a once a month recipient, basically sexless marriage, and i am increasingly more unhappy and resentful about the other things in our life. but everyone in here is spot on, the LD spouse has not reason to change and simply wont.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

OD,
Friday night I return after a week of travel. I tell her it has been a long day and I am very tired.
She tells me she is taking a shower. I gently mention my fatigue. She repeats that she is taking a shower.
This equates to: we ARE having sex. I shrugged took a shower right after her and we had great sex.
Was I initially in the mood? Not at all. Did I get myself in the mood to make her happy? You betcha.
Was I resentful? For maybe 30 seconds yes. Could she tell? Heck no.
And I/we took our time and it was great. 

This whole "me me me" song just would not play in our house.

Not with either of us.


For me, sex is a huge part of what makes me happy, and makes everything else in my world much less stressful. dr phil be damned.

of course im a once a month recipient, basically sexless marriage, and i am increasingly more unhappy and resentful about the other things in our life. but everyone in here is spot on, the LD spouse has not reason to change and simply wont.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

i should ask my h this question.. I am the one who wants sex not him.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> OD,
> Friday night I return after a week of travel. I tell her it has been a long day and I am very tired.
> She tells me she is taking a shower. I gently mention my fatigue. She repeats that she is taking a shower.
> This equates to: we ARE having sex. I shrugged took a shower right after her and we had great sex.
> ...


I think that's a really important thing MEM. It should go both ways, if the husband wants his wife to be happy and accomadating, then he should be too. 

My fiance has told me that even if he's not in the mood he is happy to do it any way. So we both get what we want.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Syrum
He sounds like a good guy. Where I come from you are what you "do".

Not what you "say"

I think that's a really important thing MEM. It should go both ways, if the husband wants his wife to be happy and accomadating, then he should be too. 

My fiance has told me that even if he's not in the mood he is happy to do it any way. So we both get what we want.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Larrelye (Aug 1, 2011)

You're asking the wrong question. Not why stay married. That answer is obvious. Your wife sees more to the relationship than sex. She sees a deeper connection. I understand men are different and need that to feel the closeness. Not all women do. I'm one of them. 

The question you should be asking is why doesn't she want to have sex all of a sudden. If you have had a healthy/happy relationship then BAM! Something happened. Is she stressed, did an old flame pop up and now she is confused, scared, upset. If you (or her) don't see an obvious emotional issue and your relationship is normally good maybe it's a health issue. Medical conditions manifest themselves in many ways. For women a change in hormones may arise from unknown medical issues which would relate to a lack of sex drive.


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