# What to let go and what to fight for.



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi,

I'll spare the whole details of how I got here save for the cliff note. Me and Wife got married, years later she found her soul mate, twice, on the internet, ensue marital rewriting and false R, now gong thru the Divorce.

Now, I live in Connecticut, and from what I keep hearing it is a 50/50 split no matter what. So far I have primary custody and exclusive use of the home ( Not bad for being male) yet receive no child support and left with all kinds of debt she racked up.

Should I fight to keep the home, or call it a loss while she rides off into the sunset.

4 Children are involved. I can prove financial abuse, conspiracy to instigate false DV claims, Child neglect, child abuse and mental health issues including Domestic violence out burst, Bi polar and BPD traits and suicidal threats and attempts, oh yeah and infidelity. Other things as well.

Now do I fight to keep the home for the children's sake or what? I feel like this is a Intolerable cruelty fault for the Divorce which Connecticut recognizes. It is also worth mentioning that the house is not worth that much, 5 years in so the principle is still rather high. 

Suggestions?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Joker,
If you feel it’s worth it, then fight for it.
She has dragged you through the wringer on many occasions.
“True Love”…on the Internet no less!…bwahahahahahaaaa!!!!
Oh she kills me.

Talk to the kids and find out if they want to continue to live in that house. 
My kids love my house so I made the play and got it. It’s also their first home.
YOUR kids might be ready for a change and will most likely tell you if they are. 
The house may contain some unpleasant memories that they would just as soon forget.
Plus, sometimes a little input into your destiny can have a very positive effect on morale.
New digs equals new opportunities and a fresh start. Plus it will show the kids that you have the ability to protect and care for them.

Sorry you are in this situation.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Looks like im in the same boat as you. Abandoned here as well, along with my 3 sons. Be careful with the sale of the home. Things have changed since 2007. If you are looking to get into another home mortgage. Do you have the 20% down payment for one? I didn't have that much equity in my home for that after all the sale costs. I wasn't going to take equity from my business property or savings. Tread lightly here. Besides, the more debt you can show that she saddled, and abandoned you with, the better for the divorce proceeds towards you. Maybe. Sucks all around though, if you had done what your wife had, they would have thrown the book at you.

The sale of the home, may sound like a great idea, but the numbers may not work out right away.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Joker,
> If you feel it’s worth it, then fight for it.
> She has dragged you through the wringer on many occasions.
> “True Love”…on the Internet no less!…bwahahahahahaaaa!!!!
> ...


 This kids love where we live at, and love the area. So that's a no brainer for their interest. 

I am thinking about trying to offer her an agreement to "Forget" all the documented atrocities she enacted over the years in hope of walking away cleanly. Know her sense of image I imagine this may work. 

I am just wondering if I should prepare for the bit and bridal of her "Split" dues.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Joker,
You state you can prove. Has your attorney confirmed that your proof is enough to establish grounds.

I mention this because, for instance, in some states (mine) proving infidelity is ridiculously difficult in a divorce. Having a PI follow a spouse to a hotel, enter the room where OW is, stay the night, and leave the next morning with a goodbye kiss is insufficient to prove adultery. The courts (all old males) say, well we don't know what happened in the room, now do we.
Its crazy, but there you go. So while I don't doubt for one minute what you say, is it enough if you go to court.

Also, remember that most courts separate fault for divorce purposes from any equitable distribution determination. So the skanky spouse can still end up with half even when they caused the demise of the marriage.

Just throwing it out there.

Definitely I would ask the kids if they want to stay in the house. Also you could get the house as part of in-kind child support.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> This kids love where we live at, and love the area. So that's a no brainer for their interest.
> 
> I am thinking about trying to offer her an agreement to "Forget" all the documented atrocities she enacted over the years in hope of walking away cleanly. Know her sense of image I imagine this may work.
> 
> I am just wondering if I should prepare for the bit and bridal of her "Split" dues.


Image management? Sounds like a classic NPD move. They are always overly concerned with what people think of them...

When you set out to tame a horse, it's always a good idea to have a bit and bridle handy. Just the act of having it prepared will lend you strength when you need it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Joker,
> You state you can prove. Has your attorney confirmed that your proof is enough to establish grounds.
> 
> I mention this because, for instance, in some states (mine) proving infidelity is ridiculously difficult in a divorce. Having a PI follow a spouse to a hotel, enter the room where OW is, stay the night, and leave the next morning with a goodbye kiss is insufficient to prove adultery. The courts (all old males) say, well we don't know what happened in the room, now do we.
> ...


 I mention the infidelity not as a means of the damaging act itself but more so the emotional trauma and care of our children resulting therein after. She neglected our children during her online EA's and jeopardized all of our well beings financially years ago when her affair with her ex boy toy resulted in her losing her job. She either got caught doing him on Company time and property or found guilty of abusing company time communicating with him using their computers and what not. The result was her being relocated to another property and then coming home one day saying she quit cause of stress. However I still have the E-mail where she said the relocation was due to her having "Family problems" which is in the proven conjunction of her affair. I believe she got offered a quit or be fired deal. I mentioned this to her recently and she went stone cold silent. 

I am more concerned about the behavioral issues and mental health problems she has and her destructive behavior she introduced to the family due to this.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This really won't impact an equitable distribution division, but sounds like it may go to custody. I understand how she put the family in peril, but that won't change the property division. Courts rarely consider fault in the demise of the marriage when split the property, which is why it best to talk to an attorney.

If you keep the house- and having custody of the kids should go a long way for a court to let you keep the house-what else do you have to give her for an almost 50/50 split. Retirement? Other assets?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

IIJokerII said:


> Hi,
> 
> I'll spare the whole details of how I got here save for the cliff note. Me and Wife got married, years later she found her soul mate, twice, on the internet, ensue marital rewriting and false R, now gong thru the Divorce.
> 
> ...


You have had the house 5 years, do you have any real equity in it? Have a real estate agent or two give you a free estimate of what the house would sell for on the market.

What houses are worth and what they sell for are two different numbers. You also need to take a realistic look at what the house may or may not need for repairs ect in the next couple of years. Is it a potential money pit?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> This really won't impact an equitable distribution division, but sounds like it may go to custody. I understand how she put the family in peril, but that won't change the property division. Courts rarely consider fault in the demise of the marriage when split the property, which is why it best to talk to an attorney.
> 
> If you keep the house- and having custody of the kids should go a long way for a court to let you keep the house-what else do you have to give her for an almost 50/50 split. Retirement? Other assets?


Just a 2007 Honda van and my 401 K was drained from what I could borrow to the max to pay off things she neglected to address when she was doing the finances. The lawyer noted this as being a possible point of interest since she used my debit card to pay off nearly 4 thousand dollars in credit card debt and other bills, nothing she said she'd pay off.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

honcho said:


> You have had the house 5 years, do you have any real equity in it? Have a real estate agent or two give you a free estimate of what the house would sell for on the market.
> 
> What houses are worth and what they sell for are two different numbers. You also need to take a realistic look at what the house may or may not need for repairs ect in the next couple of years. Is it a potential money pit?


No, it is not a money pit and will need a new roof only as the one now is kinda old but functional. Everything else is straight. But having to split this sh1t with her is like swallowing my own tongue. Not to say fair is fair but when I was doing everything for the house, and I mean everything it makes it tough to see someone expect their share when they contributed nothing financially, domestically or family wise. Having her gone I am actually doing less now that I have caught up with most of the cleaning (Yes, it was that bad).


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Scary how similar our situations are. So many at TAM like that.


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