# Imnot sure if its over or what



## notsureanymore72 (Oct 31, 2017)

When I met my wife back in the 90s she was a lot of fun to be around and always treated me well but she was a mom of 2 with an 8 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. When we first met we were just friends then friends with benefits and eventually started dating and in our discussions she had admitted that she had 7 lovers before me. She admitted when young she was abused by a relative but that didn't count in her 7 but it happened. Over time we talked and I learned that before me, her lovers included her first husband, 2 guys she dated who were best friends and yes she was with both at the same time a couple of times, another guy she dated after the divorce, one before she married her first husband, the guy she had an affair with when her ex was abusive, and a high school boyfriend. While we were dating she met with the guy she had been dating before me and she had too much to drink she was supposed to be breaking it off with him but he ended up spending the night with him. She came clean about that and we made up and got engaged. Throughout the marriage on occasion while being intimate and pillow talk we would talk about her past lovers she would talk of her threesomes and eventually about 14 years in she asked if I ever thought about having one with her. I had said I never thought about it. Then about 4 months later she ended up hanging out with one of her children (while I was out of town) then in their 20s and that child had substance abuse issues. Her child had several friends over and one of the friends slipped something in her drink and my wife later admitted that while she was hanging out she felt kind of tipsy and she was half out of it and said one of the guys grabbed her breast and her child punched the guy. Well over time I learned that her child soon left after punching the guy and took her credit cards on a shopping spree. My wife covered this all up keeping it form me for several months until I discovered the bills being late. When her child took off they left my wife alone with the other guys from the party home alone with my wife for several hours. 
After discovering that we kicked her child out of the house and at that point the child (20 year old adult) said they knew things that would ruin us and they had video of it. Well through the next month I only saw one video that was sent to me of my wife half out of it taking a hit off of a pipe wearing only her nightgown sitting on the sofa and was pretty visible. SInce then my wife started smoking cigarettes and has been very distant even avoiding intimacy as much as possible using every excuse in the book.
Now fast forward 2 years, my wife ended up with a severe concussion and had to undergo treatment for that, one day while I was driving her home from an appointment and at the time she was on pain killers she said during her counseling she had to talk about some of her past and admitted that before we met she had over 50 partners and she had to talk in detail and that is why she didn't want me in the room during the session. I was bothered by this but I didn't know how to feel about it because it was all before me and she acted as though I already knew this number. 
Then came another year, she lost a relative and the son of that relative is one who abused her when she was young and on the ride home she said to me, "I was dreading this having to see him, and I think he knew enough to only say hello and leave and I didn't do as bad as I thought" then she went on to say something like I have been having nightmares for the last week knowing this was coming and I was going to see him here. To her comment I replied, "you have been having your nightmares a lot longer than a week in fact I have seen them ever since that night hanging out...…. DO you think something more than just grabbing your breast happened?" To this she replied "Im pretty sure... yes it did" I asked if she remembered or wanted to talk about it and she said "it was things that I did in the past but a lot more and I don't want to talk about it" 

Since seeing the video I have tried not to hold it against her because according to the reports from her that the initial part was they slipped something in her drink or something to knock her out then they coerced her into smoking with them which she had never done any drugs in her life before this. I know the kid who was identified as the one feeling her up was one who called her mom and would always say I love you mom to her and even after her child and this guy were no longer friends my wife would still talk to him and they would say I love you but he would drop the mom when saying it to her. Since this event happened several years ago we have been intimate 3 times and none at all in the last few years. I am conflicted because I had tried to understand and write anything that happened that night as not her fault and that she wasn't totally willing and it may have been the drugs. But I have also seen the way her treatment of me has been and also she has become depressed and still continues to smoke cigarettes, she is not the woman I married and I know my vows were for better or worse. It seems to be getting worse and worse, she did also start abusing her prescriptions and even overdosed on them once in the last 2 years. I am trying to hold our family together for our child together but I don't know if I can continue this way for another 3 years until the 18th birthday. I also don't want to see my wifes depression overtake her if I do file and I want to see our child succeed but I have not been happy at all for a few years. 
Any thoughts would be great


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Did I miss the part where you talked about your own therapist and/or counseling? Because if you haven't, you need it. Like yesterday. Like several years ago. I think I'd go in for intensive therapy before even considering marriage counseling, because right now you're not in any position to make a rational decision about marriage. You need to find yourself first, figure out your own moral compass, and then figure out if you're actually in a marriage in the first place. 

There is so much more going on here than forgiving a partner for a past that has nothing to do with you. That's not the case here. You're dealing with a relationship that is suffering from your wife's mental state being a total mess today and quite likely was a bit of a wreck when you met. Whether she had 3 partners prior to you or 50 isn't the issue. It's not a numbers thing. It's a why thing. And whatever the why was before, simply getting married didn't fix everything. What you describe with the video and her kids is horrifying.

You need help. You need to save yourself before you can help anyone else.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I'm sorry, you are in pain and it is for good reason, you wife has no real boundaries as a wife and partner. While visiting her child she she have been the adult there. She wasn't and compromised herself and your marriage knowing full well what was a stake. Trying drugs or not she knew, something before hand. And that is convenient that she said someone slipped a Micky in her drink ( why was she drinking) and then toking on the stick is not by chance but a choice. She is having regrets of her action l think she participated in, and the guilt is getting the better part of her. But in her night gown with her child's friends still there? 

Your having mind movies because you know what she is capable of and it possibly didn't end at taking the hit, more happened and now 2 yrs have passed. Since you view the video and lived and had sex she may believe you forgave her unspoken. And l would also side with her believing this too. And now she has become close to being addicted to pain meds and drinking? You need to go back to a therapist for her and you. Since you want to keep your family together for the sake of your child.

I also think you should verbally tell her she is forgiven for that night. You have not mentioned anymore sexual innuendo's just your unhappiness. I would apologize soon, and love her as she needs to be loved. I am not say her actions didn't hurt or they give her a pass but you gave her the pass. Now you want to claim more now for some reason. Maybe until she knows your forgiveness is true and genuinely said with love and kindness only a husband can forgive, is she may stop the depression she now suffers.

And if you are grinding this to her continually since that time, then it could be see you are abusing her mentally. And nobody deserves that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Substance/drug abuse counselling might be of benefit for her.

Is she receiving that? If not, try to help her get it.

And if he drugged her, report it to the police.


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## notsureanymore72 (Oct 31, 2017)

ok several other things going on I guess I wasn't complete enough she did start counseling but then refused to go after a coupe of visits said it wouldn't help her. There was a comment about me continually grinding it to her or talking about it --- I have not talked to her about it tremendously only when there is an opening which happens about once in 3-4 months and I do not press in fact we have not discussed this since the week of the funeral which was quite a while back. The better part of the last 4 years she has been sleeping in a separate room because no matter where I lie down she moves to another room. It has only been in the last 6 months she has come back to the same bed. I have told her many times it was not her fault although initially I did express my concerns over her boundaries and not being the adult at that party. Now as for me referring to this as her child - remember we are talking of an adult as well 20 years old at the time now 24 years old. When I first learned about I tried to talk to her about going to the police and reporting it, she declined said it was not worth it and she didn't want to get the guy in trouble, then when I learned that more happened I talked to her about it again and she actually did speak with a detective and his comment was it was so far removed and it would be very difficult case to prosecute. He talked to her for over an hour and it basically ended up in her deciding just to let it go because all of the physical evidence was gone.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dump ...... Run ....... seek help for yourself.

You should she how this story looks to everyone else. This is a complete disaster and you don't recognize how bad it even is.

This kind of life has become "normalized" in your mind ..... it isn't .... not even close.


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## notsureanymore72 (Oct 31, 2017)

As for my counseling, I have been seeing a therapist about once a month for the last year and a half, but mostly the therapist talks about the issues and seems more to want to just move on and tells me to just be supportive to her and to give her some time and space to go through what she is going through and work it out with her therepist. The only thing the counselor did help with was grief from losing a close friend as well as helping cope with a sudden job loss I went through. 
She did go to a substance center for 2 weeks and that was where they required her to go through weekly counseling for a month and she ended up being told she didn't need to be there from what she told the counselor, it seems as though they only wanted the money because she was the least of their problems.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

notsureanymore72 said:


> As for my counseling, I have been seeing a therapist about once a month for the last year and a half, but mostly the therapist talks about the issues and seems more to want to just move on and tells me to just be supportive to her and to give her some time and space to go through what she is going through and work it out with her therepist. The only thing the counselor did help with was grief from losing a close friend as well as helping cope with a sudden job loss I went through.
> She did go to a substance center for 2 weeks and that was where they required her to go through weekly counseling for a month and she ended up being told she didn't need to be there from what she told the counselor, it seems as though they only wanted the money because she was the least of their problems.


The breakthrough (although it doesn't really feel like that, since the process is so long) for my wife and I came when the ICs seeing each of us got together and saw things in a very different light and began looking at ways of actually trying to help my wife work through her problems rather than push pills. I'm not even sure if that's ethical, but it's worked so far. It's not a fun process and it's still dependent upon her wanting to change, as well as her counselor/therapist requiring accountability. Neither had been the case in the past.

If she's just being run through the diagnose/therapy mill, nothing will get better. If she shows resistance to going through the process, you need to get out as quickly as possible. There are too many moving pieces in this story, mostly out of your control. This is not a case of you needing to change to accept who she is.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You need to read this guy's threads. https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/93642-i-abandoned-my-cheating-wife.html


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## notsureanymore72 (Oct 31, 2017)

You are correct she seems to also have had some meds adjusted they lowered the dosages of the ones was abusing rather than working on other therapies.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Not, you need to set some rules since she isn't going to do it. Start your 180 and if she doesn't like it, too bad! Be really careful about IC or MC. Some of these counselors are going to make you the bad guy. This looks like a train wreck and I think she's been conning you.
I think you should file on her.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

My intuition is that your wife is an active participant in most of the things where she's portrayed herself as a victim. She has serious issues. You've been supportive, and she's been cold and uncooperative. I would figure out how to remove her from my life.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You owe your wife some clarification.
Lawyer up!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Notsure, why do you want to stay married and obligated. Seems that you'd be better off all the way around, other than the kid, if you'd never met her. Now youre clear to pull up stakes and move on to a different model that would provide you with comfort. What's keeping you?


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