# Husband called for separation. Where is this all going? Blindsided!



## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

My husband and I had a big fight in December. He told me he no longer feels like himself for some reason. He says he doesn’t like being at home a lot, feels trapped, and not happy. he told me a few things that bother him about me. Mainly complaining when he spends more than a couple nights out with friends or work. He said he feels like it’s hard to make me happy. I acknowledge this I honestly had felt a shift in me I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and really felt like it was affecting my communication with him when I felt stressed .He basically blamed it on our relationship. He kept telling me “it’s us” he kept telling me “I don’t know” when I would ask him what the problem was. Before the fight I did feel some distance from him. We had a baby the year before and knew our new role as parents had changed our relationship but not making it terrible. 

After the fight he left home for a week saying he could be gone for up to 3 weeks. He said he needed time to think. He ended up coming home early and cried- doesn’t do that a lot, and told me how horrible he felt for leaving. He said he really just needed space to figure out what he wanted. We made plans to go to marriage counseling. I told him I thought it would be a good idea to really figure out what was going on and he agreed. We had to wait almost 3 months to get in. During that time we did a few date nights which were fun, we were intimate 1-3 times a week. on Valentine’s Day he even wrote me a very nice note. He said he knew the last couple months have been hard for us but he knew that we could get through anything and he’s glad we were working on getting better.

Flash forward to 2 weeks after he wrote me the note he came to me saying he still was unhappy and he had to leave. He said leaving our home and having time to himself was the only thing he could see working and giving him what he needed. He told me everything he had told me in December. He said he felt like the last few months he did see a change in me. He said it felt like I was being too nice towards him! I was in shock. I still feel like I am. I felt like I was honestly talking to a different man. And December it felt like the fight really just triggered a need for space. I honestly saw it as a good thing at the time. but changing his mind and so suddenly after things seem to be OK totally blindsided me. 

We had our first marriage counseling session the week he told me this. Our counselor suggested him not moving out but obviously she can’t control what he wanted to do. He insisted that that was what he had to do, he had to do this for himself. He was going to stay at a close friends empty rental house. He said he didn’t want to get an apartment because that would mean signing on to Elise anything He was going to stay at a close friends empty rental house. He said he didn’t want to get an apartment because that would mean signing A lease and he didn’t need that much time. We met with her counselor individually, then met back up as a couple. Our session basically was going over the fear and hurt I have with him being gone and him being unsure about our marriage. She told us we both need to work on emotional communication. She also highly suggested him go to individual therapy. She had told me she did see signs of depression in him. She said he has a hard time expressing himself, feels like he’s held a lot in. I discussed this with him privately and he completely denied it Possibly being depression. 

He got very frustrated with me that I would even suggest that depression could be causing it. At that time he told me that he doesn’t want to get divorced, he loves me, cared for me, etc. our counselor suggested to have a couple weeks for him to really think about things and work on himself. When I suggested going back to therapy together he said he was not ready. He said he really doesn’t know if anything will work out between us. I have tried to contain my emotions. 

The first five weeks or so we’re very hard. I would break down every once in a while and tell him how much I was hurting and how much I wanted our marriage to work. I’ve spent endless nights and days thinking about what went wrong. The few close friends and family that know about her situation were also blindsided. They thought we were so happy together. They are also shocked about his behavior because it did not match his personality.. My husband had always been a very nice, genuine, and giving husband towards me. How could he be doing something so cold? Prior to him saying he was unhappy. We were making plans for the future and what I thought was a very committed relationship. He has sworn up-and-down several times that there is nobody else. I have no evidence of it, I do have access to several of his accounts.

I have not seen anything that would lead me to that suspicion. Since he left I’ve really seen him spiral down. He seems distraught, very unfamiliar. He’s let himself go as far as his grooming goes. He remains working, he’s actually working even more. I believe this might be a mask for how he’s feeling. He’s always enjoyed work and staying busy with projects. He hasn’t told many people besides his parents, but has been fairly quite about it with then too.He has seen our daughter on average about 2 days a week since leaving. He seems happier when with her. But he does not communicate when he does not visit with her.. We we’re communicating a lot more during the first few weeks. But he said that makes it harder, he said seeing me upset and hurt makes it worse for him.

Last week marked seven weeks of him being out of our home. I hadn’t brought up our status in 3 weeks. Our several encounters during those 3 weeks. I’ve been very pleasant. He would ask me about things, complemented things I had done around the house, did things around the house, even would tell me he loves me before leaving. I broke down unexpectedly on Mother’s Day after he asked me what was wrong when I seemed sad when coming home to see our daughter. I told him He knew what was wrong. I tokd
Him it tears me apart thinking about our family not being together. I ended up emotionally unraveling, I asked him so many questions. I asked him when he thinks he will want to work on this. What exactly he sees wrong in our relationship, reiterated what our marriage counselor told us about being able to work through our communication issues, told him how much I cared about him, told him I could look past this, that I know we could work this out..I basically was telling him that we owe it to ourselves and our daughter to give this a shot: he told me that he just can’t be around me. 

He said maybe I couldn’t stand being around you for a long time. He also said telling him how I felt was manipulating him. He said he did look into an apartment online but said nothing is official and he just looked because you saw them.He said he didn’t want to talk about what was going on and left. He always seems to run away and shut down with anything about our situation has brought up. We ended up speaking later on the phone that night. He told me he knows that I’m not trying to manipulate him on purpose. I told him that I was sorry for becoming unhinged, it was hard for me to pretend like everything was OK and normal. He said that right now he doesn’t want to go to marriage counseling, but maybe later on we could.

Yesterday I received a text message from him. All it said was “I’m going to go tour those apartments I talked about”. I haven’t replied. I completely shut down. I went the whole day without eating a thing. I feel that pit in my stomach that comes and goes the last 8 weeks. I cried, I even woke up in the middle of the night feeling panicked. I just don’t know what happened to my husband. He honestly just feels like a different person. I see glimpses of him sometimes but I feel like distance has made him go cold. I don’t know if it is depression. He started going to individual therapy 3 weeks ago. But I honestly haven’t seen any difference in him. It feels worse and worse every day that he’s gone, i’m so scared for our future. I don’t know how someone can say they couldn’t stand being around someone, and that person not realize it? I don’t feel like I’m a dumb or naïve person. Wouldn’t I have known that he couldn’t stand to be around me? 

I keep thinking about the past. Even a few months before all of this went down. The nights we spent laughing together, making plans together, enjoying mutual interests, raising our daughter together, sharing our days, being intimate, was that all a lie? Was he just pretending to show interest, affection, and love towards me? Yes I did see a slight disconnect between us. But I thought that was just the time now spent focused on our daughter. I miss him, and desperately want him back in our life. I go back-and-forth between being broken and angry. I just don’t understand how it got to this. People have told me to give him time , but I feel like time has just made it worse. It will be 8 weeks since he left at the end of the week. My world has been turned upside down. Who I thought the love of my life was seems so different, i’m not only worry about my future but my daughters. I don’t want to raise her alone. I don’t want her to have 2 homes.

Today I was cleaning out a drawer. I found an anniversary card he had given to me at the end of last August. It said how amazing the last 6 years of our marriage was. How he felt very lucky to be my husband, that he appreciates the wife and mother I am. How he’s looking forward to many more years and couldn’t wait to see what was in store for us. It almost felt like a stranger had written it now. How can just a few months after twritjbg that he say he’s unhappy? Where did he go?

I just want my husband back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this. I know it's hard.

At this point, you need to protect yourself. Very often when a person says they just need some space and leave like he did, it's just a way to slowly back out of the marriage because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy. It looks like that's what he is basically doing. He's just moving on to the next step now.

You need to protect yourself emotionally. The best way to do that is to interact with him per the "180". There is a link to the " 180" in my signature block below. The idea is to have as little interaction with him as possible. This will help you grow stronger.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's having an affair and has been able to keep it hidden from you. You say that you have access to his accounts. But it's very easy these days to create new accounts. 

Do you have access to his phone bills? Have you checked to see if there is a particular number he's in contact with a lot?

Can you afford a PI to see if they can find anything that is going on?

Is he helping you financially since he moved out?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Separation without actively working very hard on the marriage is often just an excuse to cheat. The truth is you have no idea what he’s doing since he moved out. Don’t sit around waiting for him to wake up one day and choose you. Focus on moving forward with your life.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Focus on yourself and what you can do. Don't wait for him. He's made up his mind and doesn't have the testicular fortitude to tell you what he wants for real. He's done.

Don't wait for him. File.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this. I know it's hard.
> 
> At this point, you need to protect yourself. Very often when a person says they just need some space and leave like he did, it's just a way to slowly back out of the marriage because they don't want to be seen as the bad guy. It looks like that's what he is basically doing. He's just moving on to the next step now.
> 
> ...


I agree. It does sound like he’s having affair on paper. Theirs been times where I’ve gone that route, and thought that. But honestly I feel like he would just expose it by now? He’s going to therapy, why would he go through all that work If that was it. I ask him about five weeks ago if I could see his phone and he gladly handed it over. That I felt like I just needed to see it to ease my mind. He said he understands how I could see that. But to know thatif that was it. I asked him about five weeks ago if I could see his phone and he gladly handed it over. That I felt like I just needed to see it to ease my mind. He said he understands how I could see that. But to know that their is no one else. Yes, he is taking care of everything financially that he usually would. No questions of what I spend money on, etc.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with EleGirl. *Do the 180*. I'm wondering if he is second-guessing his life choices, but his integrity is getting the way? He is around flirty, sexy females who make him feel better--without the responsibilities of marriage and family.

Does he have any history of depression? Has he had a current physical exam where he could talk with his physician?

Sounds to me like he is trickle-truthing as he gradually literally separates. Again, do the 180--no explanations. So far, it sounds like it has been mostly about him. It is time, it is about you and the kids...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hit him with divorce papers. Take control, stop waiting for someone else to decide your life. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daylilly27 said:


> I agree. It does sound like he’s having affair on paper. Theirs been times where I’ve gone that route, and thought that. But honestly I feel like he would just expose it by now?


Many, if not most people who are cheating never expose the affair(s). Cheaters lie. 

While most states are no-fault divorce states. However, if a cheater spends money on an affair, their spouse can sue them in the divorce for wasting marital assets. If he is cheating he might want to protect himself from this.

Do you have access to all bank accounts and assets?



Daylilly27 said:


> He’s going to therapy, why would he go through all that work If that was it.


He is going to therapy by himself? Do you have proof that he is doing this? 

When my husband was cheating on me he was going to marriage counseling with me and denied his infidelity. Most cheaters will do this.


Daylilly27 said:


> I asked him about five weeks ago if I could see his phone and he gladly handed it over. That I felt like I just needed to see it to ease my mind. He said he understands how I could see that. But to know that their is no one else.


Have you seen the phone bill going all the way back to when this started. He could be deleting calls on his phone. 

I caution about taking his word for this. The problem is that the vast majority of cheaters would deny an affair (or affairs). So there is no way of knowing from his word whether he is cheating or not.



Daylilly27 said:


> Yes, he is taking care of everything financially that he usually would. No questions of what I spend money on, etc.


Are you a stay at home mom (SAHM), or do you also have a job?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You never know for sure what someone is doing. That’s why blind trust is not a good idea. Not a bad thing to keep in mind as you go forward.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Daylilly27 so sorry you are going through this trauma. I just want to get some context. How old are you both? You sound as if you are only in your twenties. What does your H work at? How long have you been together before marriage? Are you from the same area?
It sounds like your H is having second thoughts about being a responsible married man with a child. He says you complain about him going out, maybe he does not want to be tied down. Perhaps the fun times have to stop and you have expected him to grow up a little and spend more time at home now that there are responsibilities. He sounds selfish to be honest. If he has an issue he should be open, honest and transparent and share it with you and stop being a selfish coward. He is keeping you hanging on while he is talking about looking for an apartment.
When I was reading your posting I kept waiting for you to say you had caught him in an affair. Something is not right and I guarantee you that he has either committed adultery or wants to and this is the way to salvage his conscience. 

You have to stop moping and pining for him. You have to take back your power and control and stop letting him pull your strings and continue to go through this emotional hell.
1. Start doing the 180 on him (start reading up on this and practicing the steps). The only way to save a marriage if salvageable (though honestly when a man can do this to his young wife and new mother is appalling and he should not get any second chances) is to be prepared to lose it. No contact. He must make an appointment to see your daughter. Call your mother to come to supervise and you leave the house or go elsewhere in the house. Show him you mean business.
2. Make an appointment with a lawyer to see what your rights are and draw up the papers asap. Shock and awe is needed, no more dilly dallying and pandering to his Bulls***.
3. I know you are hurting, cry, scream, bawl to your friends and family but show no weakness in front of him. Show him you are moving on without him. No talking to him about anything, only if it concerns admin matters with your daughter. Go dark. He thinks you will be there regardless of how he is treating you and the marriage. Don't let him have that option.
4. if you can afford it, get a PI to tail him, something is not right about his behavior. Do you know his friends, their wives or girlfriends, maybe someone can enlighten you? He may have met someone on one of his nights out that you complain about. Maybe he wants to take her for a test drive.
5. This is a war, he is not your H or your friend, act like it. Now start taking action.
6. It sounds like you are a stay at home mum. Perhaps it is time to start thinking about getting a job and child care. Start planning what YOU want to do with the rest of your life. What will make you happy. Another person (husband friend, etc) cannot make you happy, only you can do that.
If necessary have some counselling for yourself to build up your esteem. If you had Post-partum, go see a doctor to see if you need meds.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Separation without actively working very hard on the marriage is often just an excuse to cheat. The truth is you have no idea what he’s doing since he moved out. Don’t sit around waiting for him to wake up one day and choose you. Focus on moving forward with your life.


The original plan was to work actively in therapy while separated. Thank you, I’ve come to that point, im focusing on my life with my daughter. Because that will always be here.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

aine said:


> @Daylilly27 so sorry you are going through this trauma. I just want to get some context. How old are you both? You sound as if you are only in your twenties. What does your H work at? How long have you been together before marriage? Are you from the same area?
> It sounds like your H is having second thoughts about being a responsible married man with a child. He says you complain about him going out, maybe he does not want to be tied down. Perhaps the fun times have to stop and you have expected him to grow up a little and spend more time at home now that there are responsibilities. He sounds selfish to be honest. If he has an issue he should be open, honest and transparent and share it with you and stop being a selfish coward. He is keeping you hanging on while he is talking about looking for an apartment.
> When I was reading your posting I kept waiting for you to say you had caught him in an affair. Something is not right and I guarantee you that he has either committed adultery or wants to and this is the way to salvage his conscience.
> 
> ...


I’m trying to put myself first. I’m lucky to have a good support group and family to lean on during this. Thankfully I do have a full time job as a teacher. When he did go out it was with my friends husbands. We’re all close, so I have no leads there. thank you for the advice and support, I appreciate it.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Many, if not most people who are cheating never expose the affair(s). Cheaters lie.
> 
> While most states are no-fault divorce states. However, if a cheater spends money on an affair, their spouse can sue them in the divorce for wasting marital assets. If he is cheating he might want to protect himself from this.
> 
> ...


 I do have access to all bank accounts. He’s been pretty transparent on that. He says he’s going to therapy himself. I did see 1 check written for payment clear. I’m waiting to see others. He says he’s done 3 now. Believe me I have gone to the point of thinking he was having an affair. I honestly just want a real answer, something to point to for clarity of his behavior. I feel likes to this point he would just tell me so I would stop asking. I would have an answer. I looked at his phone once. I don’t have access to his phone bill unfortunately. His phone plan is through his employer. I do have access to his google photos account. Haven’t seen any suspicious pictures. He’s also looking very rough and unkept right now. Needs a haircut, beard trim, neck shave. Don’t know if all guys do the whole spiff you for their new woman or not but he certainly 


I’m currently a SAHM due to school being out for the summer break. I’m a full time teacher. 


Thank you for the support


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> I agree with EleGirl. *Do the 180*. I'm wondering if he is second-guessing his life choices, but his integrity is getting the way? He is around flirty, sexy females who make him feel better--without the responsibilities of marriage and family.
> 
> Does he have any history of depression? Has he had a current physical exam where he could talk with his physician?
> 
> Sounds to me like he is trickle-truthing as he gradually literally separates. Again, do the 180--no explanations. So far, it sounds like it has been mostly about him. It is time, it is about you and the kids...


I’m definitely going to the 180. My hestitation from the beginning was I was worried about his mental health. He’s just not himself at all. I feel like if he was out to get other girls he would feel an act more confident. Thank you for the advice


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

So sorry to hear you're going through all this. It's hard to know what is really happening here but at this point does it matter what is motivating him? You need to protect yourself and your daughter. I agree with the advice to do the 180 on him. Don't answer his texts anymore unless they have to do with something financial or something about your daughter. Don't reach out to him. Don't cry to him anymore. Act like you're moving on without him even if emotionally you aren't there yet. It will not only help you to detach a bit more and heal your heart a bit it will also show him what life without you will really look like. 

When all this Covid stuff is over and things open back up, make sure to tell him you expect him to take his daughter for custody visits. You should not be stuck holding the bag doing all the childcare while he gets to go off and do whatever the hell he feels like. Even if he doesn't want to be married anymore, he still has responsibilities to his daughter if not to you. 

_hugs_


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So you have a baby, you get post partum depression and basically he bails because no life at home isn't fun.

I'd tell him it's his turn to watch the baby and give him the baby for the weekend each weekend. Why does he get all this 'space' while you are stuck at home with a 1 year old? He looks like he is just trying to walk away because he's unhappy. The unkept and such could easily be playing on the computer with games or porn so much that his appearance has started to fall. He may have some depression what sleep deprived parent of a small child isn't?

I do agree with all the poster that say this doesn't look good. You need to prepare yourself as best you can. Take pictures of all the accounts, so that if he does decide to move money around or lock you out of them you know what today looks like and update it regular. Every woman / man I know who are blind sided like this say ' oh no we are going to do this amicable. He feels bad and he wants to at least take care of me and his daughter. That changes so fast when they start apartment hunting, seeing other wormen, trying to afford two lifestyles on one income." 

He isn't putting in honest effort so I don't think he is being honest. And saying your making me feel sad can be manipulation. Saying I feel sad, I want you. those are honest thoughts. How are you supposed to communicate?
Anyway Look at the 180. Focus on how you want your life to be, not I want him back. Focus on feeling good, playing with your daughter, the paint in the kitchen, a hobby, your health, exercise. Don't worry about him. He will either figure it out or he won't. Ask yourself this, the way he is treating you does it not impact how you feel about him. Do you really want him back or you want your old relationship before everything went to poop. just know it will never be the same as it used to be. You can rebuild, you can reconnect but it will be different. What do you want? And check into the cheating/gaming/porn/video sex/alcohol/ maybe drugs. Is marajuana legal in your state? What is your stance on that? Is it possible his is different. . He needs freedom for something. Either he just doesn't want to be a parent or he has some new habit that needs it's own space. 

Of course it is possible that his feelings changed with your postpartum Depression. Some people don't recognize it is an illness and it's temporary. So you help your partner the best you can and it will pass.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Daylilly27 said:


> My husband and I had a big fight in December. He told me he no longer feels like himself for some reason. He says he doesn’t like being at home a lot, feels trapped, and not happy. he told me a few things that bother him about me. Mainly complaining when he spends more than a couple nights out with friends or work. He said he feels like it’s hard to make me happy. I acknowledge this I honestly had felt a shift in me I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and really felt like it was affecting my communication with him when I felt stressed .He basically blamed it on our relationship. He kept telling me “it’s us” he kept telling me “I don’t know” when I would ask him what the problem was. Before the fight I did feel some distance from him. We had a baby the year before and knew our new role as parents had changed our relationship but not making it terrible.
> 
> After the fight he left home for a week saying he could be gone for up to 3 weeks. He said he needed time to think. He ended up coming home early and cried- doesn’t do that a lot, and told me how horrible he felt for leaving. He said he really just needed space to figure out what he wanted. We made plans to go to marriage counseling. I told him I thought it would be a good idea to really figure out what was going on and he agreed. We had to wait almost 3 months to get in. During that time we did a few date nights which were fun, we were intimate 1-3 times a week. on Valentine’s Day he even wrote me a very nice note. He said he knew the last couple months have been hard for us but he knew that we could get through anything and he’s glad we were working on getting better.
> 
> ...


I feel sad for you that you are having to go through this.
It is hard to know what to do or where to turn when one partner is seeming to just literally shut you out and abandon you and not give you any concrete response as to what is wrong and they do not seem to have any interest in working on it. 
Is he having an affair?
Is he having a mental breakdown?
Does he have some psychological issues?
Who knows. He doesn't seem to be any help at this point. 

How is your daughter? Is this affecting her with her dad suddenly not there anymore. I forget if you mentioned her age.
This sounds pretty much like abandonment at this point. He won't divorce....he won't stay and work on the marriage....he just takes off and leaves you and the children in limbo. 
So sorry. 

I sure hope he isn't doing anything wrong and that he'll snap out of it and come back and work on the marriage.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

He’s in individual therapy l, started a few weeks ago but just goes every other week. He was recommended to go by our marriage therapist who we saw a couple of times for he completely shut down. He’s told me that he basically just can’t stand me. I saw him changing a little bit in a couple months prior. Distancing himself and wanting to be alone. I find this hard to believe sometimes because I didn’t feel like he couldn’t “stand to be around me”. It’s a very high possibility that he is facing a depressive episode. It does run in his family. He’s just completely shut down and not like himself at all. No other women..
He has been saying he sees our daughter as a priority. He sees her about two days a week. She’s 17 months old. She doesn’t seem to notice that much. But she does have a strong bond with him so it’s hard to see him not being here. It’s hard to do this all alone but I’m lucky to have my mom very close to me to help. Both of our families and a few close friends that know are in complete shock they think This is totally out of character for him.

Thank you for your support and kind words. I appreciate it


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How was your sex life going in the last few months before he moved out?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A couple we knew in my neighborhood growing up, who we were close to, the husband was on some serious meds. I can’t remember if he was schizophrenic, or bipolar, or what it was. But he would be feeling normal and decide he didn’t need his meds any more. Every single time he stopped his meds, he would either threaten to leave and end the marriage, or he would actually leave. Every time. Finally the last time, he decided he was never going to take them again and they divorced. Your H’s behavior reminds me of him. Its good that he is in therapy.. if something is wrong mentally, he can eventually get some help. That is, if he isn’t cheating of course. (Doesn’t sounds like it to me)

I’m sorry you are going through this. 


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> So you have a baby, you get post partum depression and basically he bails because no life at home isn't fun.
> 
> I'd tell him it's his turn to watch the baby and give him the baby for the weekend each weekend. Why does he get all this 'space' while you are stuck at home with a 1 year old? He looks like he is just trying to walk away because he's unhappy. The unkept and such could easily be playing on the computer with games or porn so much that his appearance has started to fall. He may have some depression what sleep deprived parent of a small child isn't?
> 
> ...


Wow your response was very eye-opening. Thank you so much. I know it’s hard to give advice when everyone situation is different. I had postpartum anxiety which is a little different. It didn’t really have a full effect until later on. He seems to like his role as a father when he’s around. I am worried about the commitment. She was very planned and we were married for six years prior to having her. My mom keeps saying it reminds her of a midlife crisis. He’s only 30. He has told me I will be able to keep the house. His parents have even told me that the house will not be going anywhere. Of course I will be paying the mortgage but with my full-time jobs income and child support I can handle it. We bought this house with intentions of being able to pay for it with one income due to me possibly staying at home full time at some point. It is very distressing that he would just get up and leave. Not like him at all, friends and family are also good influences to him. That’s why a lot of direction was pointed to some type of depression. He does tend to drink more from what I know, probley a form Of self medication. With him being in denial over depression I do worry that he can get help and change. I am looking forward and focusing on my daughter. And someways I have been very enlightened. I never knew I could do all of this on my own. Even though it is hard I’m making it through, when he stopped by the house. He also always comments on some thing that I’ve done around the house, a project, the yard, how clean it is. It does make me have a lot of pride in myself that I can do thisWith him being in denial over depression I do worry that he can get help and change. I am looking forward and focusing on my daughter. And someways I have been very enlightened. I never knew I could do all of this on my own. Even though it is hard I’m making it through, when he stopped by the house. He also always comments on some thing that I’ve done around the house, a project, the yard, how clean it is. It does make me have a lot of pride in myself that I can do this. I know I will have bad days, bad moments, miss sharing life with someone else. But I do agree at times I do worry about things ever been the same. We had a great marriage counselor that would be wonderful to work with us so if it ever does get to that point I would love to try. But I’m definitely not counting on it. Thank you for your advice.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> How was your sex life going in the last few months before he moved out?


Prior to our fight in December I would say anything between 1-2times a week just depending on our schedule. He does wake up very early for work and I don’t so I was tending to go to bed later too. He also suffers with chronic fatigue. After our fight in December when he moved out and came back after a week. I felt like it was more frequent but to me it felt better, more passionate. Around that time too I felt more confident in my post body baby, I lost more weight and started to tone back up. Felt sexier so I think the helped. Thinking back though I was one to initiate it more than he was.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Daylilly27,

You said that there is something like depression or some other issue in his family. Do you know what it is?



Daylilly27 said:


> He has told me I will be able to keep the house. *His parents have even told me that the house will not be going anywhere.* Of course I will be paying the mortgage but with my full-time jobs income and child support I can handle it. We bought this house with intentions of being able to pay for it with one income due to me possibly staying at home full time at some point.


Are his parents somehow involved in you two buying the house? I'm asking because I curious as to why they seem to have a say in whether or not you keep the house. 

Is he willing to sign the house over to you? Is the mortgage in both of your names at this time?


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Daylilly27 said:


> My husband and I had a big fight in December. He told me he no longer feels like himself for some reason. He says he doesn’t like being at home a lot, feels trapped, and not happy. he told me a few things that bother him about me. Mainly complaining when he spends more than a couple nights out with friends or work. He said he feels like it’s hard to make me happy. I acknowledge this I honestly had felt a shift in me I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and really felt like it was affecting my communication with him when I felt stressed .He basically blamed it on our relationship. He kept telling me “it’s us” he kept telling me “I don’t know” when I would ask him what the problem was. Before the fight I did feel some distance from him. We had a baby the year before and knew our new role as parents had changed our relationship but not making it terrible.
> 
> After the fight he left home for a week saying he could be gone for up to 3 weeks. He said he needed time to think. He ended up coming home early and cried- doesn’t do that a lot, and told me how horrible he felt for leaving. He said he really just needed space to figure out what he wanted. We made plans to go to marriage counseling. I told him I thought it would be a good idea to really figure out what was going on and he agreed. We had to wait almost 3 months to get in. During that time we did a few date nights which were fun, we were intimate 1-3 times a week. on Valentine’s Day he even wrote me a very nice note. He said he knew the last couple months have been hard for us but he knew that we could get through anything and he’s glad we were working on getting better.
> 
> ...


Im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are going through the ringer with this whole ordeal. But if I could be frank with you...Your husband is not being fair to you and your family. Nor is he respecting you and your marriage vows. He’s playing games with your heart and mind. I would highly recommend that you do a 180. When he sees over the course of time that you are no longer giving him the attention he’s getting from you...you will notice a change in him. But let me clear...this new 180 you take is by no means meant to be used to manipulate him or any decision he makes. It’s obvious that you can’t depend on him...and his behaviour is a sure sign that he is not dependable at this time. Focus on you and your child...and put your trust and faith in someone bigger than you and this situation.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daylilly27 said:


> Prior to our fight in December I would say anything between 1-2times a week just depending on our schedule. He does wake up very early for work and I don’t so I was tending to go to bed later too. He also suffers with chronic fatigue. After our fight in December when he moved out and came back after a week. I felt like it was more frequent but to me it felt better, more passionate. Around that time too I felt more confident in my post body baby, I lost more weight and started to tone back up. Felt sexier so I think the helped. Thinking back though I was one to initiate it more than he was.


Are you saying that he's been diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome? If so, has he or you talked to his doctor about all this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bobbyjo said:


> Im sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like you are going through the ringer with this whole ordeal. But if I could be frank with you...Your husband is not being fair to you and your family. Nor is he respecting you and your marriage vows. He’s playing games with your heart and mind. I would highly recommend that you do a 180. When he sees over the course of time that you are no longer giving him the attention he’s getting from you...you will notice a change in him. But let me clear...this new 180 you take is by no means meant to be used to manipulate him or any decision he makes. It’s obvious that you can’t depend on him...and his behaviour is a sure sign that he is not dependable at this time. Focus on you and your child...and put your trust and faith in someone bigger than you and this situation.


@Daylilly27, 

I quoted this because I agree with it.

There is a link to the 180 in my signature block below. The purpose of the 180 is to help you deal with the situation and help you heal going forward.

Right now you want him to return home and for all this to be fixed. But what's happening is that you are making it easy for him because on so many levels you are still there for him. He needs to see what life will be like without you in it. I say that but do not mean for you to use it to manipulate. Instead focus on yourself and your daughter and moving forward.

When he visits with your daughter, does he do this in your house? How many hours a week is he in your place? Does he ever take her out anywhere?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Daylilly27 please protect your self financially. If you are going to pay for the house, ensure your name is on the deeds. 
YOu have to stop letting him pop by whenever he feels like it. Draw up a visitation plan and let him have responsibility for your baby every other weekend (probably best under the supervision of his parents). He needs to see what living alone is going to be like. Why should you carry the responsibility of child caring.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

There has been a significant change in this man after the birth of his child. Sounds like he did something, became involved in something of which he is ashamed whether another woman, porn, escort, drugs, gay alliance, whatever--so heinous to him that he refuses to talk about it. It is not just depression if he continues to work even more. Are his parents aware of any similar changes throughout his life?

My concern is that whatever the cause, this could arise again--even many times--should you resume married life. Would you really be able to trust him? Could he be gay? This seems the most likely to me.....


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @Daylilly27,
> 
> You said that there is something like depression or some other issue in his family. Do you know what it is?
> 
> ...


Yes, depression runs in his family his mom has suffered with bouts of depression since her mid-20s. On his paternal side his uncle has suffered from mild depression and alcoholism. His paternal grandfather or so I’ve been told had classic signs of depression and alcoholism but at the time was never diagnosed.

As far as the house goes, we actually purchased the home from the estate of his grandparents. We put a ton of money into the home renovating it in the 3 years of living here. The home is very close to each of our parents homes. I work at the local school That is five minutes away. This made it a perfect home for us location wise. Our daughter is my in-laws only grandchild. They told me they want her to keep a nice home. They want her to be able to go to school where I teach, it’s a very good school. They want family to live in the home, which they said they would always consider me family and most importantly their granddaughter. I would be signed over to the mortgage that’s currently in both of our names. My husband has agreed to this. But his parents have told me that if for some reason it wouldn’t be able to go through without a cosigner or more money down that they would be able to help. They are very distraught with him leaving me and my daughter and I am assuming want to keep a good relationship between us. They also would love for their granddaughter to stay close by. Which we do have already. I shouldn’t need their help though and my parents have also agreed to cosign if that would be needed.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> There has been a significant change in this man after the birth of his child. Sounds like he did something, became involved in something of which he is ashamed whether another woman, porn, escort, drugs, gay alliance, whatever--so heinous to him that he refuses to talk about it. It is not just depression if he continues to work even more. Are his parents aware of any similar changes throughout his life?
> 
> My concern is that whatever the cause, this could arise again--even many times--should you resume married life. Would you really be able to trust him? Could he be gay? This seems the most likely to me.....


i’ve read about depression and our marriage therapist told both of us that it can be triggered by change. Which could have been the birth of our child. He does adore her, and loves her very much. But the change of lifestyle and direction could have caused him to think he was failing To keep up. I also worry that he may have just changed, I feel like people do you change and if they don’t they go in to a different direction. We married at 26 and are both 32 now. I highly doubt he is gay. I haven’t had a suspicion of him being a drug user. He has only had marijuana a handful of times. Isn’t very fond of it. His job is very important to him, he is very good and successful at it. He has always had an ambitious drive which sometimes consumes them. The workalishm has definitely taken over his life at the moment, masking his feelings


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like there is not really much you can do except get on with your life. He will do what he will do. He's certainly proven that.

The suggestions for you interacting with him per the 180 and not allowing him have easy access to your home, to yourself, etc. are all good.


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## Daylilly27 (May 1, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like there is not really much you can do except get on with your life. He will do what he will do. He's certainly proven that.
> 
> The suggestions for you interacting with him per the 180 and not allowing him have easy access to your home, to yourself, etc. are all good.


Yes, do you have any advice or suggestions on how to do that with a small child? Our daughter is only 17 months old.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Daylilly27 said:


> Yes, do you have any advice or suggestions on how to do that with a small child? Our daughter is only 17 months old.


Do you mean how to do the 180 when you have a small child?

You can set up a child time sharing schedule. You say that he visits her about two times a week. So set up two days a week when he can spend time with her. He can take her to his place, out to some place to spend time (a park or some other place), or he could take her to his mother's house. That way he starts establishing a relationship with her that works with him not living with you and her. As she gets older, if he's doing ok, he could take her for overnights on some agreed upon schedule.

With the 180, the you avoid all talk about your emotions, etc. You can communicate about your daughter. And to keep from being overly emotional about it, communicate via email and/or text. That way you can take some time to reply. The trick it talk about logistics such as time, place, and what your daughter needs. Do not talk about yourself. All discussion about separation, divorce, the house (refinance, etc) should be done again via text and/or email. Or, just have an attorney handle that.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Well, it certainly sounds like both he and his parents are preparing for a divorce. You would be wise to do the same. Definitely do the 180 and tell him from now on when he sees his daughter he needs to arrange to bring her somewhere else. Call a lawyer and get things rolling now, while he’s feeling that he wants to give you the house before he changes his mind. I would also file for divorce now. It can always be cancelled but it would show him that you aren’t going to put up on a shelf while he gets his **** together.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. When he takes your daughter for visits, you should use that time to get support for yourself from friends and family. I’d also recommend some individual counseling for yourself to help deal with all this. It sounds like your parents are supportive, that’s great.


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