# husband and friend betraied me



## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

Ok so i truly did not see this comming m\i have been marries for 19 years we have 6 kids and while we wernt jumpping for joy happy we were ok i thought.
it turns out that for over 12 months my husband was talking to the woman who later became my friend i knew her we just wernt pally..he says it was just someone to talk to and i was fine with that i stupidly trusted him beyond anything, well the just talking turned into sexting wich i knew nothing about.
i used to send him to her house to fix things for her as she was devorced and needed somethings done he kissed her on one of these occastions,he then stoped all communication with her for a while but for wahtever reason started the sexting again at this same time this woman became a very close friend of mine and they continued the sexting till 2 weeks ago when he went over there to hang her dryer on the wall when he finished she kissed him and he touched her intamately he then left before things could go any further as he says it felt wrong...
well 7 days ago i found all the sexting and other convos on my husbands facebook wich he left open so i know the above events are fairly true.....
i love my husband completly and am totally gutted buy this i have told the other woman exactly what i think of her and i have told my hubby how gutted i am and he seems very sorry and i do beleave him when he says he wants and loves me im just so confused how someone i love and trust could hurt me so bad and how do i move past that as we are going to work this out because we do love each other i just cant stop picturing them together.
sorry i know its long but i dont really have anyone to talk to ...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What did he say when you told "how gutted i am"? Excuses? Reasoning?
Warlock, come in!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Your friend isn't a friend at all. She merely gained your trust and used you to get to your husband, it seems.

Your husband supposedly stopped communication for awhile? He left her house because it felt wrong? What has he said to you regarding this? Has he been open and honest? Remorseful? 

In my opinion he wrong the second he decided he was going to be texting her behind your back. So even though he knew he shouldn't be doing it, he did it anyways instead of coming to you, his wife, with all that sexual energy and attention.

Need to know a little bit more about this to comment further. I am sorry for the pain you must be going through... I would be crushed if my husband/friend ever did anything like that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sorry you're going through this.

There's really no way to take away the mind movies except through time. And it will likely take a lot of time. This board frequently cites 2-5 years to fully heal from a physical affair. Given that there was, supposedly, no sex with your husband, you may heal slightly faster. Although, I'm sure the betrayal still seems acute.

To help yourself deal with this crisis, follow these steps. Search for a template for a letter of no-contact that your husband write to the other woman, gives to you to proof, and you mail it. Insist on full transparency with your husband. You should have total access to his phone, email, Facebook, etc. This could help you confirm that he's not contacting her. In order to insure that he hasn't taken the affair underground by visiting her or using a prepaid cell phone or different email/Facebook account, you could put keylogger software on your PC, and/or put a voice-activated recorder in your husband's car to see whether he's phoning her.

If your husband is genuine in his remorse, then you have a decent chance of repairing your marriage. However, many disloyal spouses will fake that remorse in order to have their cake and eat it too. Guard against that.

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Obviously the OW has had eye on him for a while. Her becoming friendly to you was no doubt her tryingtp to get more access to him, and trying to get him back in contact with her after he had stopped contact and pulled away.

While he has done a lot of wrong here, it sounds like he has tried to end contact with her, but she has continued to pursue him.

Get her away from him , but expect her to come prowling fishing for more contact with him. She appears to be the agreesor here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

What PHTlump said..
Dont let yourself feel alone either. Come here to post and vent and get help from people here too.
Its been a tremendous help to be able to chronicle my situation on this board, even just to hear people affirm your hurt.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

This has to be busted open. What your getting now is trickle truth, the fact that he left his facebook open which verified a story that he had told you doesn't sit well with me... This is a lie. A cover, copping to a lesser crime and providing evidence of that crime is smoke and mirrors....

Remember the term "iceburg". It is ALWAYS an iceburg and cheaters always lie, they minimize, rebuild and do frantic damage control. This has been going on for a longtime, to "save face" in his eyes she has shown guilt about doing this to you... They have talked about this, this a a PR campaign your getting, It's spin. Premeditated spin. 

Don't swallow this, find the truth on your own... no listening to them anymore. The truth is a much different story from what your being shown. Remember, you have been in the dark this whole time... now the light you are getting... it's coming from them. 

12 months, admit to multipile sexting phases, kissing and petting? bullship. They had sex, and my bet would be alot of it.

Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

Verify everything before you start on a path your being led down.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

This is scenario that I worry about the most. When your partner (bf/ husband) brings around some woman and expects you to be her friend......only to find out that she had an agenda of her own....only possible with your husband's collusion of course.


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## TwyztedChyck (Sep 11, 2010)

Eight years ago my then-husband of 14 years left me for my best friend. I was completely and utterly devastated. Two years before he had introduced us (she delivered parts to his job) and we quickly became best of friends. Unbeknownst to me, they were having an affair for over a year before I found out. I took my 3 sons to my parents because I was barely functioning. I needed time to get myself together and figure out what I was going to do. 
I felt doubly betrayed and even though I am very-happily remarried I still am sometimes untrusting and sensitive in my marriage now. Parts of me will never heal and I've come to accept that.
I empathize with your pain and I wish you all the best in your unfortunate situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frazaled (Jan 20, 2012)

Thank you all very much for your replys ......this will sound very silly but i do beleave hubby knows how much he has hurt me and is extreamly remorsful dose this excuse him no and never will , i found the chat sessions and phone msgs before either of them had a chance to change or delete anything and i messaged her while hubby was still asleep and i had his phone so they had no time to make sure there stories matched so i beleave what i found to be the truth .
i asked for graphic details and i got them even though he was very uncomfortable telling me as i did not take them well .
I am kind of lucky at the moment as he is unemployed and is home all the time so i know where he is and who he is seeing i have all his passwords and can and do check when i feel the need.
i dont want to live in a marriage were there is no trust i need and want to be able to trust him and im hopeing in time and with some help i can , but i will never be this stupid again i hope.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

frazaled said:


> Thank you all very much for your replys ......this will sound very silly but i do beleave hubby knows how much he has hurt me and is extreamly remorsful dose this excuse him no and never will , i found the chat sessions and phone msgs before either of them had a chance to change or delete anything and i messaged her while hubby was still asleep and i had his phone so they had no time to make sure there stories matched so i beleave what i found to be the truth .
> i asked for graphic details and i got them even though he was very uncomfortable telling me as i did not take them well .
> I am kind of lucky at the moment as he is unemployed and is home all the time so i know where he is and who he is seeing i have all his passwords and can and do check when i feel the need.
> i dont want to live in a marriage were there is no trust i need and want to be able to trust him and im hopeing in time and with some help i can , but i will never be this stupid again i hope.


Stop blaming yourself. What happened in this case is Your husband cheated on you and you are taking the blame. You have 6 kids, and it is a marriage of 19 years. Consider all the angles before you take a decision.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

:rofl:


frazaled said:


> Thank you all very much for your replys ......this will sound very silly but i do beleave hubby knows how much he has hurt me and is extreamly remorsful dose this excuse him no and never will , i found the chat sessions and phone msgs before either of them had a chance to change or delete anything and i messaged her while hubby was still asleep and i had his phone so they had no time to make sure there stories matched so i beleave what i found to be the truth .
> i asked for graphic details and i got them even though he was very uncomfortable telling me as i did not take them well .
> I am kind of lucky at the moment as he is unemployed and is home all the time so i know where he is and who he is seeing i have all his passwords and can and do check when i feel the need.
> i dont want to live in a marriage were there is no trust i need and want to be able to trust him and im hopeing in time and with some help i can , but i will never be this stupid again i hope.


My H gave me graphic details too, but it was only a very small part of what actually had gone on. I did not get the truth ( I think? ) for nearly a year. At first he told me it was just a flirtation; then a brief tryst, while he was out of town on a training trip( she went with him ); and then that it had been a love affair that lasted from 9 to 12 months and only ended with exposure. I had to threaten to leave him before he would tell me the truth. I hope this is not the case with your H, but no matter how sincere and remorseful a cheater may seem to be, chances are you are only getting trickle truth right now.
(((( HUGS ))))


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## scotsbird (Jan 24, 2012)

Hi Frazaled (((((HUGS)))))

I am in such a similar situation. We have been married 10 years and have 2 kids, and met this woman, the mum of my son's schoolfriend, at my son's birthday party last April. She became a family friend, and both families have spent a lot of time together. I found out 2 weeks ago that she and my husband have been having an affair for at least 6 months. Because she was recently separated, with 4 kids to look after, we helped her out a lot. My OH would go to her house to do odd jobs, we gave her furniture and things we didn't need, I gave her lifts to places as she doesn't have a car. Now I feel completely devastated and betrayed by both of them. I feel as if she saw my life, wanted it and went out to get it, and played on my good nature and generosity to do so. 
I thought our marriage was OK, we were going through a bad patch but life has been pretty difficult over the last few years and the one constant, I thought, was that we would be there for each other and so things would eventually get better. I am so hurt and angry that my OH wasn't there in the same way as I was for him, and was off giving his emotional and physical attention to someone else. He says he wants to commit to our marriage and making things work, but he also feels confused as he loves me but still has feelings for this other woman. That really hurts. We've talked and talked, and he has said that he doesn't know if his feelings for her are real, if he's been manipulated or what. 
I've done a lot of reading, and this seems to be pretty normal, but it's horrible to hear and while he seems to want to move on, I don't think we can while he is feeling this pull from her. On the plus side, he has promised that he has ended all contact (tho this is really hard as our children go to the same school, so I am going to see her every day for the next 5 years, unless one of us moves, and I would normally give him a lift to or from work when I do the school run. Just now I can't cope with the thought of them seeing each other and have asked him to make other arrangements). He also recognises that they would not have a future together, but I want him to choose to stay with me because he loves me and only me, not because I'm the better option.
Anyway, this has turned into a much longer post than I intended! I really just wanted to say that you are not alone. When I first found out, I was devastated not just by the affair but by it's nature and the fact that it was with someone whose life and family had become so entwined with mine. The more I read, the more I realise that at least I'm not alone and that some people in similar situations have found positive outcomes, with a lot of work.
btw I felt really stupid too, that I hadn't seen what was going on in front of my face earlier. But looking back, I had a lot of suspicions and I even discussed them with my OH a couple of times, but he gave me reassurances and because I loved him and wanted to trust him I chose to ignore my misgivings. 
hth
xx


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I am in know way condoning what he did, but if he truly left before things could go further I'm in shock. Once things are awakened down there he pretty much does all the thinking.


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