# My husband says "I don't help"



## FirestarGirl (Jan 6, 2010)

We have been married for 14 years. I have been working the entire time and the savings we have in the bank came from the estate of one of my parents. Last year I was laid off and my husband paid all the bills except my car payment, the groceries and gas bills for the very first time in our relationship. He was unhappy and very upset that I could not go right out and find a new 6 figure income to replace my lost one... saying things like "Maybe your doing something wrong" and turning the thermostat up when I am in the middle of a hot flash... at one point I stood up for myself, slammed a door and he told me if I ever did that again I would be homeless..... I am still not over that.We are lucky.... we were able to refinance our home and we have savings and I found another job FINALLY but now he's telling me I'm not helping him. You see I used to pay every bill except the mortage and since I make less and have a credit card bill to pay off from my unemployement (I charged Some Groceries, some gas, some dinners, some Therapy Shopping..) I pay my car payment 1200.00 of other bills, buy all the groceries and he tells me I DON'T HELP... Please help me figure out how to tell him this HURTS ME... PLEASE tell me this is not a normal thing for a husband to say to someone he loves. He apologizes and says I don't want to hear the truth... I'm Just HURT! Please comment.


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## FirestarGirl (Jan 6, 2010)

Still no posts but reading all of the other situations on here is helping.

Maybe I just want too much? I am trying to find out if the things he says to me are normal... do all husbands say and do these things?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I havent worked in about a year. my H has never said anything. He couldnt be more generous when it comes to the funds. He never makes me feel guilty about spending his money or anything like that. he pays for my school tuition, books, etc. He's never said a demeaning word to me about that. 

so, i would say how your H is treating you is not "normal." 

does your H work? do you have kids? what is his role? it sounds like he feels you two have roles- and yours is to work. he's acting like you violated an agreement. was there an unspoken agreement about the roles you two have?


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## FirestarGirl (Jan 6, 2010)

Yes my husband works and always has... but so have I... since we met I've always paid everything but the mortgage. Sadly, we don't have any children. We lost his daughter from a former marriage in a car accident and my son to SIDS and then went through 8 years of fertility treatments ... Maybe you hit on something. Maybe since it is my fault I can't have children he thinks I should always provide..... More or ALL I can.

He says he wants us to save for our retirement while we are "young" and that I have a "problem" with my credit card. As I posted before I buy the groceries and pay 1200 a month in other bills and pay for my own car payment... and I have always paid it, I shop at WalMart, Target and Ross... and he has NEVER paid it but he thinks I am spending money that we should have for retirement. I have 1 credit card... I work.... I don't know how to feel ...

Am I being a spoiled whiner? Why do I feel so HURT?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think you are dealing with a lot. i think you both are. the issue with the money is one thing. If you pay all the bills, where does his money go? It really sounds like he had this idea of how things were going to go, and its been assumed correct for so many years that now he feels almost wronged. There is actually a good book that my mom gave my H and I called Smart Couple finish rich. maybe you both need to sit down and get on the same page. there seems to be a lot of assumptions flying around.

but this is only a surface issue. you both are dealing with a lot of pain. his behavior shows it. Im so sorry to hear about your kids.


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## allmixedup (Jan 4, 2010)

Hi, remember me? You kindly replied to my post, thank you. Maybe I can offer some help to you 

Money can do strange things to people. It can cause great resentment, envy and anger. I believe the thing to do is to be up-front about it in a non-confrontational way.

I had a friend in a similar situation. He and his wife argued a lot about money. He earned much more than her, and although happy to pay for the lion's share of everything, resented it deeply if he felt she didn't acknowledge that fact "enough".

When he talked to me about it, I suggested they work out a family budget; who would pay for what, how much and when. They would each pay a "pro-rata" percentage (he paid 50% more than her, because he earned 50% more than her, and in any case, she had her day job AND took care of the household and family). 

They also paid a "contingency" amount each month for unforeseen things. So they had a household budget paid into a separate account, and they also had their own accounts for "Therapy Shopping", or whatever .

It seems to have worked for them. Maybe it might for you?

Take care,
Mike


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

My gut tells me that the "money problem" is just a convenient front for something else that's bothering him greatly, but he's not comfortable with expressing.

From what you've wrote, you have a long history of providing significant income for your household e.g. 6 figures. It doesn't sound reasonable for him to begrudge you temporarily loosing your job, especially in this economy. 

Fortunately, us menfolk are easy to understand, so I would recommend checking in with him on the basics. Sit down with your husband and find out if he feels appreciated by you and if he's comfortable with your current level of intimacy. My gut says it's one or the other. See which one "needs fixin" in his opinion and get to it you "crazy kids". LIL


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## Confused1979 (Jan 4, 2010)

^^^ coming from a guy he is probably right... Men do get a bit crabby and start complaining when they don't "get it enough." I went on strike in so many words when my husband stayed out all night leaving me worrying where he was without calling me.....and then a couple days later he tells me he isn't happy. Today he told me he thinks he was not happy because I haven't had sex with him in over a week. Go figure.


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