# How did I let this happen



## tragicomic (Sep 4, 2015)

First time poster, anywhere ever. I have been reading posts and looking for insight but still lost. I see myself in many tragic postings here and fea,elf go, too lazy to get things done, no job , no sex wanting, bad Mom SAHMs. This person I am now is not what I wanted to become ever. I am so ashamed of myself, so much so that I have no friends or even hobbies. I hate even to go out. Basically I am an idiot, I didn't listen to my intuition. My marriage is how I ended up this way a long slow 2 person exercise in disintegration of myself. Advice is welcomed this I think can also be read as a caution. Be aware be careful, take care of yourself stay independant. 18 years ago I was a fairly attractive not too young independant woman. I had an apt. a job I loved it didn't pay great but I had friends and felt special. I loved the city I lived in. Most days I felt lucky. Life up till my mid-20s had been a struggle. Abuse, handicapped, rapes, abondanment you name it I most likely had been there. Even with all that behind me I was happy. Very happy. Till I started to feel the pressure to couple up. I had it all but..Then all of the sudden I met HIM. Oh the rapture the crush , I fell hard. He didn't. He said at one point " I don't see you as my girlfriend or wife ever." he didn't find me attractive. Funny I was asked on dates all the time just not by him. So we were friends. Till we well he changed part of his mind only part of it. yep the part in his pants. OK I need to speed this up. Months later I was pregnant the love word had been spoken. I tried to leave I felt I could take care of myself so he stopped me at the door. We married not a wedding just a what you doing today? Lets go to the courthouse. I did sadly 9mths. huge in a black dress no flowers or friends. After he didn't talk to me for 3 days. I should've run or wabbled away but stayed. We got happy I thought, I stayed home a perfect lil' housewife I cleaned, cooked, iorned his work clothes every morning even made his coffee. Then twins right after a huge move(far away from anyone I knew) we made it! 2 poor kids bought a big house 2cars. Wow! Yeah right, The flip side was that he drank a lot. And our dream house made us neighbors with his first love. One drunk night he told me he wasn't in love with me when we got married,and he had feelings for 2 women that lived near by my new "friends" the first love ex and another ex. Basicly I could never measure up or down more like it. They both were petite women 5 ft tall 90-100 lbs. Me 5'7 before kids 170. After twins well none too pretty. Also both woman worked. teachers. I have little proper education.Was on my own at 15. These woman had extensive families, one even had pony. I gave up . I wanted what was best for everyone. A new wife for him (he'd never divorce me never be the bad guy). A better Mommy for the kids. My physical handicaps became more apparent after twins. So death was my answer. I lived sadly, not a day goes by that I don't wish that I had gone. Time went on. Things got better things got worse.Bankrupt we lost everything. I had not worked in 10yrs. I applied at stores no job for me. I tried again thinking if I was gone he would be happy. I flatlined but lived. This post is already too long I'll close out with a few things. To be a mom is like being Sisyphus same messes everyday.I clean and next day blam, a freaking disaster. same with cooking. I gave everything of myself. Now the world sees me as worthless. I am fat , a huge sin,I did for a while fit into a size 10 by being bulimic. I don't want sex , well obvious I am too gross anyway and ashamed. The big D you ask just get a divorce. I would be homeless. I have no future . Just the sad truth, let go of any independance and lose it forever.


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## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Holy moly. I'm sorry about your situation.

So it sounds to me as though you felt the social conditioning compelling you to pair-bond, and you chose to be with someone who wasn't really that into you. I understand the desire to want to feel loved, but I don't think he was the best choice for you. You've learned that giving up your independence is the equivalent of a death sentence. That isn't a foregone conclusion. You can get married and be part of a shared life and still be happy. Sadly, this didn't work out in your case.

You've got some deep issues you need to work through, and unlicensed advice on a random online forum isn't going to be sufficient. Schedule an appointment with a therapist. See if you can get on some antidepressants. Join a suicide support group. There is hope for you. The anguish you feel isn't a permanent condition, but it does color your perception and make you believe life is hopeless. The right medication may help. Get yourself right in the head, and then you can address the issues in your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the above post.

How old are you now? 

You really need to get into some counseling/therapy to work your way out of this hell you have sunk into. Please get help.

There are things that you can do for example to become independent again. You can go to school and get either job skills or a degree. From there you can get back into the job market.

One place you might be able to get some help is at a facility that provides support for people in abusive relationships. They often give low cost, or no cost, counseling. They can help you become more independent.

Then, once you are more independent, you can work on your marriage or leave. But right now you need to work on yourself.


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

keep writing we are here to listen.

continue to look for a job, do not give up.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Agree with the previous responses. Keep posting here but seek professional help where you live.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You need counselling to start valuing yourself as an individual person, not someone's wife, mother, neighbour, etc. It sounds as if your H has not helped your self-esteem much over the years.
You take baby steps but you can still do something

1. get yourself IC
2. Join a woman's group with a church, charity, book club, etc, one that nourishes you (you have to get up and go) 
3. start going to the gym

Focus on yourself for a change, step by step.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Hope is never lost. You have to find yourself again. Start by taking care of yourself.

1. Get some therapy for yourself. You are depressed. Suicide is never the answer. Like other posters informed you to call the suicide hotline and speak to someone. Find help in your area.

2. Get to a gym or start walking everyday. Exercise will help get your endorphins up and help you feel better.

3. Start looking at ways to get an education. Most community colleges have programs to help get you a certificate program. 

4. You might want to look at voluntary opportunities around your area. Helping others will give you a purpose and you can find fulfillment in that. Until, you can find a job.

5. Or, you might want to find a part time job until you feel strong enough to work full time.

6. Don't let anyone or yourself, compare you to anyone else. You are you, there is no one else like you. Your kids loves you, no one can replace their mummy.

Take care. Be safe.


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## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Well look on the bright side.. things can't get any worse.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I agree with those above who said to seek out therapy and medication. You can always call 1-800-273-8255 if you feel suicidal at any time. Program it into your phone right now so that it's always there, no matter where you are or what the time is.

I live in a small town where suicide is unfortunately very common. You kids will NOT be better off without you. Your their only mom, and they love you SO MUCH. You are irreplacable. Your husband hasn't made you feel loved or special or wanted, and that says awful things about HIM, not you. 

Keep posting here. It's a nice community.


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