# Urgently need advice I dont know what to do



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

You

Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart 


I know I did wrong and there is absolutely no excuse for what I done. How do i make this work i


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


It’s all about you isn’t it. 
You cheated and lied to your husband and when caught you still lied. 
You seem to be weighing up whether your marriage is worth salvaging or is it going to be too much hassle to do the “one sided” work necessary to save it. 
Your selfish attitude is what will destroy what’s left of your marriage and judging by your husbands response he knows that it’s over.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> I know I did wrong and there is absolutely no excuse for what I done. How do i make this work i


There are no guarantees that it ever will. I don't have any statistics, but a large contingent of BSs (betrayed spouses) just plain don't ever "get over it". Another large contingent of WSs (wayward spouses) never take responsibility for their own choices and their own actions, instead, they blame their spouse and "rewrite history" in order to self-justify what they did.

You have, here, come to "the bottom line"....when you say YOU "did wrong" and "no excuse". If you simply maintain those two very-correct premises as you deal with your betrayed spouse during the next few years, this will give you the absolute best "shot" at restoring your marriage you can have.



Worried-wife280315 said:


> Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart


Ultimately, no, you cannot rebuild a marriage in a one-sided effort. Your betrayed husband will have to "go the extra mile" and work toward the rebuild vigorously, if it is to succeed. He may not.....the pain of what he will endure may be overwhelming, and he may simply seek relief.

That being said, I have to also say that in the beginning stages of your marital recovery, you are going to be doing this alone. And, any choice you make to resent him and "drift apart" from him is every whit as wrong as your adultery was. Your husband has every good right to end his marriage, based upon your actions. If he makes that choice to "not fight", well, that is a legitimate and rightful choice on his part. For you to resent him for this is completely self-centered and self-righteous. And, it is a bright indicator that your true heart-attitude toward your marriage and your husband is a complete non-sequitur to your "I did wrong" and "no excuse". Resentment and drifiting are not fruits of repentance, they are fruits of "blame-shifting".

You cannot control whether your husband "goes the extra mile".....however, you can control whether you do..... My advice to you is this, make sure you have gone the extra mile.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Read this thread. You’ll find some advice in there, such as counseling:

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/#/topics/434905


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> Worried-wife280315 said:
> 
> 
> > You
> ...


I dont understand ur "it's all about you" statement. So what your saying is he has already made his mind up and has no interest in building our marriage back up? I'm going to add that he kissed my twin sister also and his it from me for 7 years I found out after we had kids together and we both worked together to get our relation ship back. I have never done anything like this before and I will never do it again it has destroyed him and all for nothing


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Revenge affair?


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


Try to see this from your husband's perspective, YOU are that one that cheated, why should he fight to keep someone who cheated on him? He is giving you an opportunity to make this up to him, to show you regret it, have learned from the experience, will not do it again and to prove that you can be a loyal wife who will not cheat again.

I am sure your husband is not perfect, however, instead of addressing the issues in your marriage in a positive way, you chose to cheat on him. Hopefully, you did not break the news to him by first giving a list of things he has done wrong or that you are not happy with, such as him working away from the home. Maybe your relationship has been one sided for a while and you are already resentful? Have you considered starting individual therapy to work on your own issues?


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

Violet28 said:


> Worried-wife280315 said:
> 
> 
> > You
> ...


No I didn't give him any negatives before I told him I started by apologising and I told him how disgusted I am that it happened and that it was nothing that he done to make me do it it was my decision and I deeply regret it. have requested we do private marriage counciling to which he agreed I then found a councillor and asked him how he wld like to do it via web cam face to face over the fne etc and he replied he doesn't care so I asked of he wanted to do it and he said I am the one that's to make it up to him I have to decide so I have went ahead and booked face to face marriage councilling.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> No I didn't give him any negatives before I told him I started by apologising and I told him how disgusted I am that it happened and that it was nothing that he done to make me do it it was my decision and I deeply regret it. have requested we do private marriage counciling to which he agreed I then found a councillor and asked him how he wld like to do it via web cam face to face over the fne etc and he replied he doesn't care so I asked of he wanted to do it and he said I am the one that's to make it up to him I have to decide so I have went ahead and booked face to face marriage councilling.


You should do individual therapy as well as marriage. He's giving you an opportunity instead of immediately saying things are over, which a lot of people would have done. That doesn't mean all the issues in the marriage are your fault but it does mean that you have a shown a tendency to go outside the marriage to get your needs met. 

He's really not 'your friend' right now, he's numb and thinking about what you did likely fills him with disgust. His image of you is forever changed, physical infidelity is one of the worst things you can do to someone. Some men put their wives on pedestals and think they are the best, sweetest, kindest, most loyal person in the world and if cheated on, they are forced to realize that you are someone capable of hurting them in one of the deepest ways possible. He's thinking he does not know who you are anymore and wondering if he ever really knew you. He's also wondering if you've done it before and just got caught this time so that's why you admitted it. If you have kids, he's wondering if he needs to get them DNA tested. 

Frankly, he doesn't give a **** if the relationship is one-sided or if you start to resent him. What you had is completely gone and you have to start over. However, this is not like starting over from like when you first met and had to work out all the kinks in the relationships. This is beginning from a couple of miles behind the start line as you have shown you have a cheating handicap.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

My husband found messages about a week later



I looking at a statement you made if he didn't find them . Would you have confessed?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> No I didn't give him any negatives before I told him I started by apologising and I told him how disgusted I am that it happened and that it was nothing that he done to make me do it it was my decision and I deeply regret it.


Good for you !! Stay with this, success is not guaranteed, but this gives you the best chances.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> 
> I know I did wrong and there is absolutely no excuse for what I done. How do i make this work i


I believe that a positive belief is required for any meaningful task, it just seems like you are already defeated. "You have to make it work, if your husband stays with you it is a gift he gives you, something so huge how much work are you go to put back into his recovery. 

Blame shifting is not a good start by mentioning is faults, to justify your affair by compartmentalizing your actions by rationalizing the first time you crossed the line with your affair POSM and then continued into ****ing the POSM. 

The heavy lifting will be done by you . Are you strong enough? There is no easy way forward, don't attempt to rug sweeping and look for tomorrow to be to forgotten it never will.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Your husband suspecting something of you . Not owning up to it and admitting first shows you may have taken it to the grave. 

Why do you want him now for?

Help us understand how much your willing to do. Then we can give more directions to go.

I don't want to sound like l am cruel, just need to know what do you have inside to fight for your marriage.


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> I dont understand ur "it's all about you" statement. So what your saying is he has already made his mind up and has no interest in building our marriage back up? I'm going to add that he kissed my twin sister also and his it from me for 7 years I found out after we had kids together and we both worked together to get our relation ship back. I have never done anything like this before and I will never do it again it has destroyed him and all for nothing



OK, Andy posted the "it's all about you" statement, but maybe I can offer some perspective of why he might have said that.

Look at your initial post, and think about the time line. Also think about what your husband needs. 

1. First of all, you had an affair. That, by definition, is about you---the cheater. You neglect your husband's feelings, needs and marriage because you wanted to have an affair/sexual encounter. There's an instance that it's about you.

2. You said you had "2 occasions", one of which included intercourse. However, we assume you mean two PHYSICAL occasions (you don't specify what the non-intercourse occasion was---kissing? heavy petting? finger in your genitalia? oral sex? ) The point is that these two occasions could not POSSIBLY have been the only inappropriate actions with this work colleague---there must have been plenty of flirting, emotional intimacy, etc. PRIOR to these episodes. You're downplaying the affair, rather than coming clean about the full extent. Again, it's about you, and minimizing your transgressions.

3. Look at your tone of your post, and some of the things you ask. You worry about getting your marriage back---for you---NOTHING about making him heal, fixing his hurt. Not one word. It's about you.

4. You talk about "fighting" for the marriage. That means you're trying to get something you want. If you spend some time reading some of these threads in this forum, you will see that it is really more important to give your husband what HE needs. Make the marriage something HE wants. For a truly repentant wayward spouse, what the cheater wants is secondary; what the betrayed spouse needs is more important. Most truly repentant spouses say something like, "I will give him what he needs, and if that means he has to leave me, then that's what he has to do to heal. I deserve it for what I did, and the blame is all on me." Your post doesn't even approach anything like this. It sounds like it's more what YOU want, the marriage. It's about you.

5. You are worried about the possibility of you resenting him if he doesn't work on the marriage. Do you really understand how that sounds to objective outsiders? HE should be resenting YOU. YOU are the one that destroyed the marriage, and if he doesn't work on it ("fight for it"), a truly repentant spouse would resent THEMSELVES, not the betrayed spouse. Another reason this comes off that it's about you.

6. Betrayed spouses need openness and honesty. You didn't provide any of this. You only came clean once he found the messages. You weren't going to tell him if he didn't find those messages. Then, you lied, said it was "just a kiss"/"texts" because you were lonely. It appears that you only provided him with the confession when you were caught. In fact, you tried a charade initially, and later "broke down", which implies you told him the truth only because of the strain it put on you, NOT because that's what your husband needed. He needed the truth at the start, and you didn't provide it. That's another reason why posters would say "it's all about you".

7. You tried to vilify your husband by bringing up a kiss with your twin sister which was hidden over 7 years, which means it was YEARS BEFORE your 4-year old marriage. I understand it was a betrayal, and I don't want to dismiss that, but I think there is some apples to oranges comparison going on here. In addition, you talk about how much you worked to "repair the relationship". Well, did YOU appreciate him hiding it for 7 years? Would YOU have preferred that he come clean right off the bat? If so, then why can't you see that your hiding your misdeeds hurt him---even more, because now you are MARRIED, and this was sexual intercourse (plus whatever the other occasion was). You lived that and yet you can't see that your own actions are only for your own benefit? That it's "for you, not for him"? Are you bringing this up now to suggest he is not worthy of your loyalty, or that he deserved what you did because he kissed your sister before you were married? Because if you are, then I don't think you are owning your own guilt.

8. I think you would benefit greatly by reading the posts of others who have told their stories here. See how those betrayed spouses felt. See what they needed their cheating spouses to do, and see what was NOT helpful. Learn from the other posts.


I am not trying to just bash you here, but there is a reason that Andy said your post was "all about you." I want to explain it, because I think you need a BIG change in your perspective if you hope to save your marriage. I think that without the change, you will fail.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Before he fights for you he has to recover from the pain of being betrayed by his best friend, confidant and lover. Second, in order to fight for you, he has to see that your are even worthy of fighting for. It's up to YOU to reestablish you are a safe and faithful partner. You have to earn this. This is why he's saying you have to fight for him because you're the one that violated the sacredness of your marriage. 

How can he fight for you when he doesn't even know if you can be a faithful, loving remorseful wife again. This is work that you have to do on yourself to show him that you are worthy of recononciling and being the wife that supports a man seeking to work and provide for his wife. If he can't do this for fear of you getting "lonely" he may deem you unworthy of fighting for. You have work to do. Lots!!!


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


You wouldnt have cheated if your world, and the world were perfect.

There are issues at home, and you've handed your partner a lot of control and power - are you happy as things were?


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


So,today was your actual d-day and that makes me understand a bit about your post,as I imagine there are very large emotions swirling around you both.

How do you make it work? The truth is that there is never a guarantee after this type of betrayal that it will work out. Some things you can do if you really want a chance... be 100% honest about everything... no blame shifting or minimizing. Take action,offer all of your passwords and most importantly figure out what you're going to do about your job,as the OM was a co-worker.


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

TBT said:


> Worried-wife280315 said:
> 
> 
> > You
> ...


I left my job immediately without notice. I have given up all my passwords and he has full access to my Google maps etc so can track every whrte I have been. He has cracked into the soft ware on my fne and recovered everything I have deleted. The 1st occasion was kissing not sexual contact however there was flirty texting on the lead up to intercourse. I will do everything in my power to make it up to him and to prove that I will b faithful till my dying breath


----------



## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

I just wanted to say that from the tone of your massages, it doesn't seems like you really ready to fight for your marriage. And you definitely will have to FIGHT if you want to save the marriage. 

But in order to do so, you need to be ready for a lot of negativity at first. Cheating is really something that can destroy your world and the way you see things.

Please go to counseling. Alone and with your husband. Understand why it happened... why you felt the need to go with someone other than your husband. Talk openly with your husband about your feelings...
Good luck!!!


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


Why would you start resenting _him_? It might be the other way around as this sinks in for him. 

How do you make it work? Has he said what he wants? Did you quit your job after the affair or when you admitted everything. And also wondering why you admitted everything if he bought your story 6 weeks ago, was there the possibility of it getting out, did you feel too guilty, or did you genuinely feel bad for your husband?


----------



## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> I dont understand ur "it's all about you" statement. So what your saying is he has already made his mind up and has no interest in building our marriage back up? I'm going to add that he kissed my twin sister also and his it from me for 7 years I found out after we had kids together and we both worked together to get our relation ship back. I have never done anything like this before and I will never do it again it has destroyed him and all for nothing


What did you twin sister say about this? Do you know it was just a kiss?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Is the guy you had the affair with married?

Did your husband ask you to leave the job?


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I will say this. I know many people in my family, my wife’s family, friends and neighbors where there was cheating. I can’t think of a single situation where the BS divorced over it. There were cases where the marriage was horrible and “was over for years” and the affair was used as an excuse to divorce, but there was always more to it than that.

Even cases where the H impregnated his lover or the W got pregnant by her lover.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Heart Break said:


> Please go to counseling. Alone and with your husband. Understand why it happened... why you felt the need to go with someone other than your husband. Talk openly with your husband about your feelings...
> Good luck!!!


This ^^^^ you must do this (not just bunch of internet tro...folks with good intentions. Be honest, don't hide anything because you think it might make you look bad etc.

Both of you will have to change, but that only works if you both have something to look forward to. Otherwise save yourself time and pain, and start finishing things up. /your partner will either feel hurt and betrayed and angry - or worse, justified and manipulative.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart


He has already annied up for the relationship by not walking away from the marriage. Since you broke the contract its up to you to make it as right as you possibly can. May work and may not. To use a legal analogy, you rendered inferior performance of your contract obligation that destroyed the essence of the contract. Your husband is discharged from any other performance and he can treat the contract as being in effect or rescind it. Considering it was your actions that breached the contract, you need to decide if you have it in you to try to fix what you broke. You damaged your side of the relationship. It up to you to repair it.
Moreover, you really need to do a personal analysis on why you were open to developing a "thing" for your colleague. If you brush over it with, "I was lonely because of hubby's long hours" you ain't fooling him or anyone else. You may want to consider your concern that you may "end up resenting him" if you have to carry what you consider is more than your share of the load.


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

manwithnoname said:


> Worried-wife280315 said:
> 
> 
> > You
> ...


 I was planning on quitting before it got found out me and kids were travelling to America to meet him at his work and I wasnt returning to work when I got home he knew this. The guilt and how much hurt I could see him in made me tell him. No he hasn't said what he wants me to do he just keeps saying u fix it I am booking marriage counciling tomorrow morning


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> Is the guy you had the affair with married?
> 
> Did your husband ask you to leave the job?


No he isn't married but he is in a long term relationship. My husband informed her when he found out but hasn't yet told her about the intercourse. She is pregnant so think that's why he hasnt told her


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

CraigBesuden said:


> I will say this. I know many people in my family, my wife’s family, friends and neighbors where there was cheating. I can’t think of a single situation where the BS divorced over it. There were cases where the marriage was horrible and “was over for years” and the affair was used as an excuse to divorce, but there was always more to it than that.
> 
> Even cases where the H impregnated his lover or the W got pregnant by her lover.





spotthedeaddog said:


> Heart Break said:
> 
> 
> > Please go to counseling. Alone and with your husband. Understand why it happened... why you felt the need to go with someone other than your husband. Talk openly with your husband about your feelings...
> ...



t the moment he is lashing out (not physically) and I totally understand I deserve it all. I have done the most unimaginable betrayal a d deeply regret it i just wish I cld take away his pain and hurt. We are going to see a councillor but although deep down I know he wants the marriage to work as much as I do but right now he is putting up a wall which I completely understand


----------



## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> CraigBesuden said:
> 
> 
> > I will say this. I know many people in my family, my wife’s family, friends and neighbors where there was cheating. I can’t think of a single situation where the BS divorced over it. There were cases where the marriage was horrible and “was over for years” and the affair was used as an excuse to divorce, but there was always more to it than that.
> ...


No matter how much he wants the marriage to work, he needs time.... and you need to give him the time to heal. And the most important thing that can help you to save you marriage is open and honest communication. 

I really hope everything will work out for you, but you need to be 100% sure that this is what you want, and not give up if the process will get really hard. Because then you will hurt you husband again, and this pain is really unbearable.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes years to recover from infidelity and there's no guarantee it will work no matter how much effort you put into it. Be practical about the possibilities and have a backup plan.


----------



## StevenH (Aug 1, 2019)

Allow him time to heal. Don't push the relationship with him right now. He has the right to be angry/upset. He feels betrayed and he probably feels like he cannot trust you. He'll probably wonder if this will occur again when he goes away for work. He may suspect there are more incidents than the one you admitted to. Time can heal this; but, you cannot rush it. If you're truly regretful of your actions, you won't let it happen again. And, please be sensitive to his lack of trust and the time it will take to regain it. Communication is going to be the main contributor to healing. Listen to him and also be honest with him about why you did it. Write him a long letter if you're uncomfortable saying some things aloud. Allow him time to read it, digest it, and respond in his own way and in his own time. I'm certainly not saying you have to put your husband on a pedestal now and you're a low-life person for these actions. And, you certainly don't have to take abuse from him because he's hurt. But, strike a balance - maybe slightly in his favor for a little while - then, emerge from this. Maybe a few couples counseling sessions? Maybe a couples retreat where you can reconnect? If your relationship with your husband is meant to be, it will survive - even this bump in the road. It does take TWO to make a relationship work.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

StevenH said:


> Time can heal this; but, you cannot rush it.


The reports I read, on a one-time affair......those who "make it" - can be from 2-5 years. Those who "don't make it" are usually over within 2-3 years.

On a second occurrence, it's usually over within couple months.


----------



## Imajerk17 (Apr 10, 2018)

OP, you are getting whacked with a lot of 2x4s because you really inflicted a lot of pain on your husband.

Here are some questions that are surely running through his head.

1. You seem to be all-in right now on saving the marriage. Why weren't you thinking so much about your marriage and husband, *right before* you decided to cheat? What has changed for you? I mean, what you did with another man was just as disgusting when you did it, as it was when your husband found out.

You are *regretful* but you aren't quite *remorseful*. There is a difference. You are frantic not because you did what you did to your husband causing him pain, but instead because you did what you did *and you got caught*. I mean, surely you knew that what you were doing was wrong all along, right? So what's changed in you other than the fact that your marriage is wrecked. And now you are desperately trying to get things to be back as they were before [it won't work]. Your pain is still mostly about what you have lost by your actions and NOT about what you did to your H 

2. What are your 'why's for cheating. I mean, sure, you may have found OM attractive and you felt a connection so you wanted to have sex with him. That isn't really what I am getting at though. What happened was that you GAVE YOURSELF PERMISSION to step out on your husband when you were tempted--and while we are at it, you gave yourself permission to step over a bunch of boundaries on the way i.e., getting too close to another man. Why was that. What was it in you that made you think it was okay for you to break your marriage vows and betray your husband like this? What made you think it was OK for you to be lying and sneaking around? Or did you have resentments for your husband's work schedule or sex life or whatever happened between him and your sister that you didn't express or work through? That doesn't mean your cheating isn't anyone else's fault though, but it may explain your thought processes at the time.

Some things for you to think about.

ETA: Meanwhile MARRIAGE counseling isn't the answer here. YOU were the one who decided to cheat. Your cheating is on YOU and you alone. It wasn't the marriage that did it. You should instead be considering INDIVIDUAL counseling, where you work through your whys and why you thought this was OK.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> t the moment he is lashing out (not physically) and I totally understand I deserve it all. I have done the most unimaginable betrayal a d deeply regret it i just wish I cld take away his pain and hurt. We are going to see a councillor but although deep down I know he wants the marriage to work as much as I do but right now he is putting up a wall which I completely understand


He is lashing out and putting up walls to protect himself. He feels like a failure as a man and a husband. While he was working to secure a financial future for your family, you were having an affair. That is not something that is easy to accept and move forward.

He has reached the anger stage. That is normal and will pass. The main thing to focus on is that he is still there and willing to stay. At least for now.


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Your husband suspecting something of you . Not owning up to it and admitting first shows you may have taken it to the grave.
> 
> Why do you want him now for?
> 
> ...


 I will fight until my dying breath if it means we can work this out. I just wish I could turn back the clock


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > Your husband suspecting something of you . Not owning up to it and admitting first shows you may have taken it to the grave.
> ...


The wishing is over, this real life. Time will tell just how much fight you have. Your husband will share what he needs but something to start

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
BY: LINDA J. MACDONALD"

and "Shirley P. Glass and 1 more
Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity"

is just the one of many steps you will have to do. On your end and it doesn't promise you nothing. 

Again why do you want your husband now?
You show zero remorse or empathy , let's us know in your own words why do you?


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> I just wish I could turn back the clock


Of course, not even God can change the past. Well, to be "theologically correct", I should not say what God "can" do, but it is not recorded that He ever has.

Suppose, for a moment, you could go back to a moment in time when you first started becoming enamored with your AP. What would you do, say, think, and tell yourself that would have made the outcome different ?

The truly fortunate thing, for many adulterated marriages, is that WSs who are repentant, and BSs who are forgiving, can "make a go" and heal from it. It takes time, and it takes work, but it is possible.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Openminded said:


> It takes years to recover from infidelity and *there's no guarantee it will work no matter how much effort you put into it*. Be practical about the possibilities and have a backup plan.


I was going to add, he may be interested in working it out, but the desire has limitations. His ability to reconcile is directly linked to his ability to overcome the betrayal. I intended to work it out with my fiance also, after a lengthy relationship, however I was unable to overcome being betrayed and unwilling to take on the risk of being in the same situation years down the road, regardless of how much she pleaded as to never doing it again. 

I surmised I'd take my chances on someone else, than someone (my fiance) who'd proven capable of cheating already. I married that "someone else" and we're going on 20 years, infidelity free. I made the right choice. With my fiance' I would have always wondered, should I not work late? Should I not take the position that travels? I would have always wondered in the back of my mind........ That's not the foundation of a successful marriage, if one spouse is wondering if the other is ripe for cheating.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

I'd suggest reading through some of the threads where the betrayed spouse is the man. It may help give you a glimpse into what your husband is going through. Many of the stories will not resonate with you, but the ones that do will be very helpful, IMO.


----------



## Worried-wife280315 (Aug 4, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> Worried-wife280315 said:
> 
> 
> > Tilted 1 said:
> ...


Because I love him so much and deep down I know he loves me too but he is hurting


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

colingrant said:


> His ability to reconcile is directly linked to his ability to overcome the betrayal.


I could have overcome the betrayal. What I could not overcome is my inability to change things she stated "caused" her to cheat. I finally became sick of perpetual emotional pain and feeling like "plan B" and like she would have run away with her second AP if only he hadn't dumped her (for his wife and his family).

All those things, those statements, those gaslights, those innuendos, those things designed to hurt and punish me for her sin, were the things I couldn't deal with, long-term, going forward.

After 1-1/2 years, I threw in the towel. I didn't feel like some kind of race to the bottom of the pile.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

TJW said:


> colingrant said:
> 
> 
> > His ability to reconcile is directly linked to his ability to overcome the betrayal.
> ...


I couldn't have said it better, the old marriage is dead, what come next will show it's head sooner or later. 

If love was enough nobody would be here.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Tilted 1 said:


> The wishing is over, this real life. Time will tell just how much fight you have. Your husband will share what he needs but something to start
> 
> "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair
> BY: LINDA J. MACDONALD"
> ...


First of all are you sure you love him? Your actions say that you don't. You are going to need to because this is now going to make your marriage a lot harder. It would be easier for you to both start over, so if you don't have what it takes for the long haul you should quit now before you do any more damage. make no mistake what you did to him was abuse. 

If you are determined to try then yes to the books in the quote above. You will need to be totally honest. Just one lie (even if you misguidedly think you are sparing his feelings) will probably end his chances. Besides it is again abuse. You are taking away his agency and not giving him a choice in his own life. If you love him like you say you do then you must treat him with love and be unselfish. If the person who did this to him wasn't you wouldn't you want him to know so he wasn't stuck living a lie? From now on he must come first even if it will be hell for you. 

Don't try to fix the marriage yet though first fix yourself. Generally marriage counselors will try to blame the marriage and maybe even your husband for cheating which may be the final death blow. Their primary focus is to save the marriage, but your husbands primary focus should be to save himself, and yours should be to fix yourself. Only then will you know if the marriage can be saved. That is going to take time, and frankly your husband is not ready to hear things he did wrong in the marriage and how to make it better. He just got is world destroyed so he is going to have no desire to work on that with the person who destroyed it. He has to heal first and most of all, feel you are safe and worth it. 

Those of us who have been through infidelity have a saying - the problem of the marriage are 50/50 (true much of the time) but the cheating is 100% on the cheater and in this case I think that holds true. You can't use the "kissed your sister" excuse as it was 7 years ago. You would have been within your rights to leave, I probably would have encouraged it, but you didn't. Though this is a good example how cheating does damage to marriages and how it just causes all kinds of problems. You made a choice to discard him like garbage and also lie to him. Again I must emphasize you took his agency away in his own life, and that would have been how it continued if he hadn't caught you. That is a very cruel thing to do. Just at the very least for your own soul as a human being you must stop doing this and tell him the whole truth. That is more important then even your marriage surviving. 

What's the deal with your sister anyway? Is she still around? What does she say? 

Go post on SurvivingInfidelity.com the wayward board, that is a board for fellow cheaters like you. They can speak from experience what works and the advice is generally unbiased and not full of emotional pain like you can sometimes get when you talk to someone who has been cheated on. Also read the just found out boards as it will give some insight about what your husband might be feeling. You will get good advice there. Stay here too, we are a little more harsh but that is not a bad thing. You don't need easy love right now but tough love. Understand that there is a method to many of our madness and some things are said to partially shock you out of your cloudy thinking. 

There are also WS (Wayward Spouses) on here who can speak from experience and will help you. They are well respected and have changed their lives too. 

Then there is the sex component, hopefully for your sake you didn't do anything with this guy that you refuse to do with your husband and you haven't been withholding from your husband. Two very difficult things to overcome. 

If you really want to save your marriage it will take figuring out why you did what you did and then it will take time and consistency. At least he is giving you a chance. If you really want to save your marriage you are going to have to live up to your words and work harder at this then probably anything you have ever worked on in your past. That is what it is going to take. 

You are going to have to really get what he is feeling. My experience from reading on there boards the only WS who actually have what I would call a decent marriage after their affairs are the ones who make (R) Recovery a basic part of their being, not unlike a recovering alcoholic. Meaning being better, safer is a part of their life's mission every day for the rest of their lives. 

That is what it will take, and if you can't do that better to cut your losses and not cause your husband any more pain.


----------



## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> Because I love him so much and deep down I know he loves me too but he is hurting


Love will get you together, but it's not enough to make the relationship successful. In addition to love is respect and trust. If you do not respect your husband or vice versa or he doesn't trust you or vice versa, there's not enough to make one man and wife. Respect and trust are prerequisite pillars of a relationship. 

You did not respect your husband or your marriage. In turn, your husband does not trust you, and he may not respect you for what you did. Neither of these are final necessarily, but they are real in this moment. I have a gorgeous neighbor who for some reason is attracted to me. I get the impression, if I initiated a kiss, it would not be declined. 

I respect my wife way to much to gain the short term sensation of kissing (and possibly more) a beautiful woman. Furthermore, I respect her, her husband and the beautiful, life they've provided for themselves and three kids. I'm no messing that up. I don't even think she's susceptible to an affair. It's just kind of a perfect storm, and I'm the storm. Not happening though. 

I told my wife of my suspicions I had of my neighbor and kept my wife fully informed of any and all activity and meetings. Additionally, I stopped going to there home when her husband wasn't there, as she would invite me during the day while he was at work. 

Three weeks ago, I had a woman in our apartment during the day to conduct business for about 15 minutes. I told my wife that evening as to why and who was there. I respect my wife and want her to trust me and vice versa. Our marriage is better and stronger because of it.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

You stated earlier that deep down you know your BH wants the M to work, but he has a wall up right now.

Now....I don’t want to discourage you....but I think being realistic about where your BH is and what he is going through are important for you to truly understand if you want a chance to save your M.

Your BH, more than likely, is not wanting to save the M right now......he is almost certainly in that shock phase a BS goes through where what they want is their old M BACK.

But that isn’t happening.....EVER.

Eventually, the reality of this truth will smack your BH right in the face....and at that moment he will realize there are only two paths forward.

To build a new M with your......or to D.

If you want the best chance of persuading him that the first option is the best choice, then YOU need to work your a** off to show him true remorse, 100% acceptance that this disaster was ALL you (no blameshifting or excuses), and that you are doing serious counseling/work to make sure you find out why you felt entitled to do this crap and are fixing those issues.

He has to know and feel that you are a safe bet for choosing Option 1......

If you drag your feet on doing these things.....or do them with bitterness and resentment.....you will get Option 2.

Good luck.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It may seem obvious to some, but not to me: Get tested for STIs, all of them. Do not be intimate with your husband until you are cleared by a doctor as to not having any infections as a result of your affair.

And before you rush to say you used a condom or that neither of you had anything, you really have no idea unless tested.

Condoms do not guarantee protections.

I know this firsthand. My ex-wife infected me with HPV that has resulted in cancer decades later. Condoms do not prevent this.

So, please get tested and share the results with your husband regardless of your current situation.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> I dont understand ur "it's all about you" statement. So what your saying is he has already made his mind up and has no interest in building our marriage back up? I'm going to add that he kissed my twin sister also and his it from me for 7 years I found out after we had kids together and we both worked together to get our relation ship back. I have never done anything like this before and I will never do it again it has destroyed him and all for nothing


What he is saying is that NONE of your original posted was about your husband's feelings. I was all about how you feel, your fears, etc. Then you asked if it was wroth it or if YOU would resent HIM because you have to do all the work.

YOU cheated. Of COURSE you should do all the work. Your affair was certainly a one-sided slap at the marriage.

You need to stop thinking about yourself and begin trying to empathize with the tremendous amount of pain your caused your husband.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> I am booking marriage counseling tomorrow morning


 You making the decision to cheat is not a marriage problem it is a YOU problem. You need individual counseling to fix why you chose infidelity over your husband. Once you get that sorted out then go to marriage counseling. MCs often want the betrayed spouse to rugsweep the affair for the sake of the marriage. This (rugsweeping/ignoring the problem) should never be done, and often when a counselor pushes for that the BS(betrayed spouse) gets pushed over the edge and calls it quits. Fix your self first and then fix the marriage.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Worried-wife280315 said:
> 
> 
> > I am booking marriage counseling tomorrow morning
> ...


This.


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


Honestly, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. A successful Reconciliation is the exception after infidelity and not the norm. For over 95% of spouses that are betrayed, cheating is a deal breaker after the initial shock and dust settles.

He may stay for a couple of months, but with his work; long term reconciliation with you is pretty much toast. Sorry, but trusting you again is not possible if he works away. Work on your marriage, but don't do it expecting it to work out. That is extremely rare and takes between 3 to 5 years to regain trust.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Bibi1031 said:


> Honestly, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. A successful Reconciliation is the exception after infidelity and not the norm. For over 95% of spouses that are betrayed, cheating is a deal breaker after the initial shock and dust settles.
> 
> He may stay for a couple of months, but with his work; long term reconciliation with you is pretty much toast. Sorry, but trusting you again is not possible if he works away. Work on your marriage, but don't do it expecting it to work out. That is extremely rare and takes between 3 to 5 years to regain trust.


“About 75 percent of marriages survive if the male is cheating, and about 65 percent survive if the female is having an affair. Marriages in which males cheat are more likely to survive, therapists say, because men are less likely than women to have an emotional attachment with their mistresses.”

https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/04/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-infideli/


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

CraigBesuden said:


> “About 75 percent of marriages survive if the male is cheating, and about 65 percent survive if the female is having an affair. Marriages in which males cheat are more likely to survive, therapists say, because men are less likely than women to have an emotional attachment with their mistresses.”
> 
> https://www.bakadesuyo.com/2012/04/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-infideli/


Your source is too hopeful.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

A marriage surviving and a marriage recovering are two very different things. You may stay together (I did for decades) but that doesn't mean the marriage actually recovers.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> You
> 
> Hi I really need some advice. I have been in a relationship for 15 years married for 4. My husband works away and I had an affair with a colleague at work there were 2 occations and one of them involved sexual intercourse I ended it after the sexual intercourse because I was disgusted in myself. My husband found messages about a week later and I told him it was just a kiss and texted because I was lonely with him working away. I managed to keep up the shirad for 6 weeks until today I broke down and admitted everything. He has said he will stay for now but he is not fighting for us and I have to fight for him. Is that even possible to try build a relationship one sided. Or will I end up resenting him and drifting apart
> 
> ...


You cheated on your husband and YOU might end up resenting HIM? 

Why, how, might you end up resenting him, would you think?


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am a professional in finance that subs out to law firms to separate assets and finances on divorce. I have seen your particular situation a great many times. Please be aware that your actions have essentially emasculated your husband. Further, your attitude here, is for the time being highly selfish. You are in me, me, me mode. Everything that you have said is how this situation effects YOU. 

Here is where I sit. You will need to prove to your husband that you are WORTH his time and potential injury to his self esteem. You, if you want this, will take a back seat to him and his needs. I have noted that you believe this is a two way street. Let me assure you that it is not. You are, for lack of a better term, the perpetrator. He is your VICTIM. Accept this now. You get to act as the accused and the defense attorney, desperately trying to avoid the hangman's noose. To that end, you need to be prepared for an entire plethora of reactions, none of which at this time will be extremely pleasant. You may encounter the "rollercoaster" where his emotions will wax and wane on an hourly basis. If you want this marriage, pull on your big girl pants, and be prepared to be knocked down, only to get up and be knocked down again. Remember, he was faithful, kept his vows, did not seek comfort in anyone else's arms but yours. You did not extend him a similar courtesy. As a consequence of this, be prepared to lose your marriage, a lot of money and friendships. I am unaware whether he has done any exposure, however, that is a likely consequence, and given your attitude, it will be difficult for you to deal with.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> No he isn't married but he is in a long term relationship. My husband informed her when he found out but hasn't yet told her about the intercourse. She is pregnant so think that's why he hasnt told her


Shame on your husband for not telling her the whole truth.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Worried-wife280315 said:


> Because I love him so much and deep down I know he loves me too but he is hurting


He might love you in a way but he will never love you like he used to. You killed that


----------

