# Counselor's comment, what do I say to husband



## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

Hello,

Could you give me some advice? I will try not to be confusing. I have been going to see a counselor for almost a year. Well last summer my husband went with me a few times because we have been having issue for quite awhile. And I have been back and forth about the marriage. But according to my husband speaking to the counselor he was in this marriage and wanted to stay married.

Him wanting to stay married has been the stance for months. It has been said that he may be confused and not know where he stands because I am so uncertain. He has mentioned divorce to me in the past few months as something he never wanted to do but he may end up doing it because he thinks I will just get sick of him finally.

Well like I said when we both seen the counselor together and then separately it was always that he was in this marriage. My husband only went to see the counselor a few times this past summer. As of late when I speak with him about my appointments he doesn't seem very happy about the tone of the appointments, he wonders if any good is coming of them, I think.

Well ok, sorry I had to take the long way around. All the sudden the comment was made during my appointment that when my husband was going to those few appointments with me, that he said he wanted a divorce, I was caught off guard, so I repeated it and it was said again that my husband said he wanted a divorce during one of the visits.

Then why was i told for months during appointments alone since then when speaking about my husband that he was totally in this marriage and has never implied that he wanted a divorce. I was the one that needs to decide what I want. Why would that divorce comment have just been said during an appointment now???

And now how do I ask my husband if it is true??


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your husband has been living in limbo basically for the last year. Sounds like he's had enough of the uncertainty, he can't live like that any more. 

I can't say I blame him.

Not saying you've done anything wrong, if you're not sure, you're not sure. You can't expect him to wait around indefinitely while you make up your mind though.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would not ask him, that separate appointment was for him to relate how he is feeling. I have to side with your husband, is the counseling working for you? what has your husband done that you can't decide if you want to stay married or not? Life is short he could be getting tired of waiting for you to decide if you want the marriage or not.

Like I said I would not ask him anything and start writing my pro and con married list and make a decision, before he makes it for you and it is too late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with frusdil. 

Did you try what was suggested this post to you a few days ago?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...talk-about-divorce-thoughts.html#post14769081


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

How long have you been sitting on the fence about divorce? It could be possible he's just given up on waiting for you to decide and is taking away your control in this situation. Everyone wants to be wanted, limbo can hurt any chance of your relationship succeeding if you wait too long.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

We have talked and he says a divorce isn't what he wants. One of my issues is why would the counselor tell me that, and break confidentiality with him after all these months? Why would this person go on preaching to me for months that "your husband is all in this marriage" and then out of the blue at an appointment say when he was here this summer he said he wanted a divorce.

Like I mentioned he has been getting a bad vibe and the tone with me commenting about the sessions. And something like this comes up in this last one now. Could it not be true is my concern?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I've bolded the parts of your other thread that are key and stand out. People have given you a lot of good insight.



ak41 said:


> I have been married for 4.5 years. It's my second marriage and my husbands first. *It has been a less than happy marriage so far to say the least. Things changed alot after we got married as often happens, I think. He is a workaholic who made time for our relationship during the courting period and once we were married his focus shifted back to work and everything else and he has no time for us anymore.*
> 
> Anyway in prior years my husband was the type who would freak out if the word divorce would even be mentioned pertaining to us. Well for the past some odd months he keeps talking about me leaving him and me being sick of him. Which I mean it is obvious that I am unhappy and tired of the way things are. He knows how I feel, we have talked and he does nothing.
> 
> ...





OpenWindows said:


> My XH used to bring up the idea that I might leave him for someone better. * He didn't want divorce, but I think he knew I was unhappy and didn't know what to do about it.* Maybe divorce isn't what your husband wants, but it's what he believes will happen (whether he likes it or not).
> 
> So instead of asking, "Do you want to divorce?"... Try asking* "What can we do for our relationship, so nobody wants divorce?"*.





Corpuswife said:


> Of course you both feel the insecurity of the relationship.
> 
> Now, what are you both willing to do about it?
> 
> ...





Amplexor said:


> Not necessarily. Many men tend to be poor communicators when it come to conflict with their loved ones. *He may be doing a gut-check. In other words, he makes the statement and see what your reaction is.* If you turn the question on him or don't validate it, he will assume things are OK for now. He isn't stating he wants you to leave, he wants you validate that you're not. *He may be very insecure the marriage.
> *
> *Until you answer him with a flat out "Yes, if things don't change for the better, I will file for divorce." this behavior will continue*. It gives him some amount of comfort without having to do anything to improve the situation. Some times things have to get to critical mass before any real effort is spent on correcting the situation.


The only things I would add are:

1. After you make your list of pros and cons and decide what it would take for you to want to stay in the marriage, sit down with your husband and have an honest heart of heart.

2. If you both decide that you would rather work on your marriage rather than end it, read His Needs Her Needs and Love Busters by Dr. Willard Harley. They will help both of you understand your and the other person's needs better, as well as identify what each of you are doing to ruin the marriage. There are worksheets that go with the books too, after you've read them.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

ak41 said:


> I was the one that needs to decide what I want


There is only so much limbo a man can take. You are playing with fire. You might get burned, Make a decision before he makes it for you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ak41 said:


> We have talked and he says a divorce isn't what he wants. One of my issues is why would the counselor tell me that, and break confidentiality with him after all these months?


Perhaps your husband asked the councilor to say that to you because he can not bring himself to do it. This would be a way for him to compassionately convey his intent, knowing that you could ask the counselor to help deal with your feelings and thoughts. 

Could also be a situation that the councilor just recently got your husbands consent to share this.

Can you ask your counselor why and when the status of his response changed?

Badsanta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ak41 said:


> We have talked and he says a divorce isn't what he wants. One of my issues is why would the counselor tell me that, and break confidentiality with him after all these months? Why would this person go on preaching to me for months that "your husband is all in this marriage" and then out of the blue at an appointment say when he was here this summer he said he wanted a divorce.
> 
> Like I mentioned he has been getting a bad vibe and the tone with me commenting about the sessions. And something like this comes up in this last one now. Could it not be true is my concern?


Ok, I found your first post on this thread hard to understand. I was not sure if your husband was telling you that or the counselor.

Maybe at first your counselor was presenting things as she/he was in the best possible light. And now you have procrastinated for so long the counselor is giving you more info to get you to act one way or the other.

Or maybe the counselor does not exactly remember what was said a year or so ago. So is now telling you a faulty memory.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Or maybe the counselor does not exactly remember what was said a year or so ago. So is now telling you a faulty memory.


While I thought all those counselors took impeccable notes, I just had my friend break into this guy's place and pull your husband's file. OK, now I am starting to see the big picture here. 










Not only are these notes impeccable, but they also implement a very high level of advanced analog encryption so that your husband's information stays extremely safe. Wow I'm impressed!

Just joking,
Badsanta


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...after months and months of therapy...HE hasn't changed, he still puts his job first, you're still miserable and YOU haven't changed anything, and now he's starting to think that divorce might be preferable because, well, everyone's miserable.

Is that about it?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You should bring it open with your husband. If it is a breech of ethics your therapist needs to be reported and be gone.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

I did ask my husband if we could have an open talk about when he attended counseling sessions with me last summer. I said I just want to know the truth that's all. So I told him that I was told. That for months I was told that he was in this marriage and wanted to make it work. And then all the sudden I go to my appointment yesterday and I'm told when he was spoken to separately he said he wanted a divorce.

He was upset. He said NO, I never said I wanted a divorce. I never implied it. I have always said I was in this marriage. And than he asked me do you really see me divorcing you and I said No, and he said well thank goodness, I don't want you believing that, you should know me. Because it was also mentioned during my appointment as to what am I going to do when he goes and files papers and brings them to me. When I told my husband that he was like WTH??

He said I don't honestly know where this would come from with your counselor, and that he has always said he was in the marriage and that was the extent of it and he still is in it. And he also said if by chance it would EVER HAPPEN that we would divorce I would not just go file papers and bring them to you, we would have had a conversation.

And he was like do you believe me and I was like yes of course I do. But know what do I do or think pertaining to my counselor?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like your therapist is being unprofessional and wanting you to leave him so she's putting thoughts in your head.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Is it possible that your counselor was presenting you with a hypothetical and you simply misunderstood? 

"What if I said that your husband does want a divorce? That he told me so when I saw him last summer. What are you going to do, how will you feel, when he suddenly files and presents you with papers?"

Your counselor may have been trying to tease out your emotional response to the possibility of your husband leaving you. My guess is that if you've spent months in a 'should I leave or not' limbo, that your counselor thinks things have stalled a bit. Asking you to consider what you would do if your husband wanted a divorce, or actually filed for one, is not entirely a bad tactic. Living in limbo, putting your marriage into limbo, for months on end isn't healthy for anyone involved.


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