# Newly married and unhappy



## Missy298 (Oct 31, 2013)

Hi everyone, I apologise if this is long and for some, quite boring, but I really need to 'talk' to someone about my feelings before it is too late...whether that's online or in person.
Hopefully some of you will be able to help!

I have been with my husband for 4 and a 1/2 years but we've only been married for two months. On the whole, our relationship has been lovely and he's the only man I've ever been with that's made me feel content with life. However, since we got married something clicked inside me and I don't know where it's come from or what to do about it. 

As I said, he is a great person and I am very lucky to have found someone so nice but that's the problem...he's nice and while there's nothing wrong with nice I can't help but feel that our marriage has so much more potential. My unhappiness is coming from the fact that I'm really bored and no matter how much I try and spice up our relationship, nothing seems to work as I get looks of confusion from him half the time. I've even tried things that we both used to love, like planning new walks nearby and finding new recipes that we love and can cook together. He's interested but after a few days of trying new things, he goes back to his laptop or TV to watch football. 

Because my efforts aren't really working, I've started to become attracted to certain people that I work with and I often go home thinking about them and fantasising about what it would be like to cheat on my husband. This all sounds terrible but I would NEVER cheat...I made a vow and I intend to stick to it. My worry though is that I'm having these feelings and they're not normal for a newly married woman.

I have spoken to my husband about my unhappiness but I am constantly met with remarks such as "you knew what I was like when you married me" and "I've always loved football, that isn't going to change" "we've never been adventurous in the bedroom so why do you want it to be changed now?" and "it's not just me that's boring, you are too". The latter probably is right but I'm not boring because I choose to be...it's because I don't feel like I have anything to be excited about anymore and the thought of this going on for the rest of our lives is so depressing.

I am more than willing to work on our relationship as I do love my husband but I can't help but think that things could be so much better.

Has anyone else had problems like this? Does anyone have advice? 

Thank you!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

When did the problems really start? There's no way things could have got so bad in only two months that you are fantasising about other men. How long was the engagement? I would not be surprised if you were so busy concentrating on the actual wedding that you let other things slide. Was the wedding the thing you had to be excited about?

Now you are faced with the comments of "you knew what I was like when you married me" and they are completely reasonable, in my view.

Try to imagine how you would feel if you thought everything in the garden was rosy for over four years, married him, and then two months in he tells you that you suck. You would at best be hurt and confused and at worst downright furious, no?

You say your efforts are not really working but you have only given them two months. It sounds like you may be being a bit over-enthusiastic and putting him off. If he thinks you are trying to stop him looking at football altogether he is going to get defensive.

I think you need to work out how much quality time you will spend together and how much time each of you will be allowed to get on with your own thing. Agree this with him and then you plan fun stuff for the together time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Interesting. So if a man was on here complaining that he wanted to spice up his sex life he wouldn't be told that his wife is selfish and he has every right to his "needs"? please, he'd be told that with no kids he should run like h&ll because his sex life is only going down hill from here. Yet her desire for more is unreasonable. And the best part of this is that if she decides to leave and he gets on here, TAM will insist she must be cheating! Typical double standard. OP, this is your life with your hb so decide of you can live with it before you have kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Missy298 said:


> Because my efforts aren't really working, I've started to become attracted to certain people that I work with and I often go home thinking about them and fantasising about what it would be like to cheat on my husband. This all sounds terrible but I would NEVER cheat...I made a vow and I intend to stick to it. My worry though is that I'm having these feelings and they're not normal for a newly married woman.


I think the vast majority of wife's who go on to cheat on their husband's thought exactly the way you do. They also took vow's that they _intended_ to stick to. In the end they don't and they toss their vows and marriage aside and embrace infidelity.

What happens is ALL cheaters eventually give themselves permission to cheat. You are headed down that path now. That path is well-worn and eerily predictable. Have a peep in the 'Coping With Infidelity' part of this forum if you don't believe me to see your future. It's full of the anguish and hurt of betrayal. Hundreds of people's lives wrecked or rocked by their spouses who thought exactly as you do.

Let me paint a picture of how this pans out if carry on the way you're going (it really is the same sad story repeated each and every day)

*Step 1:
*You feel neglected at home - Where you are now. Your husband is largely culpable at this stage.

*Step 2:
*You emotionally start detaching from your husband and start fantasising about attractive people at work. All on you, as it is from here on in.

*Step 3
*You start to spend a little time with that attractive person at work. In your head you convince yourself that it's all innocent. You're married. He knows that. You're "just good friends". You hang out, maybe share a coffee together or a quick drink after work. It seems 'innocent' but in reality you have started dating.

*Step 4
*You confide in somebody at work about how unhappy you are in your marriage. But you don't confide in a mother with children and twenty odd years of experience in how to keep a marriage together.

You confide in your male friend that you find attractive. Here your cross a marital boundary you don't even know exists. You are being unfaithful. And you have just given your attractive 'friend' the green light to help 'meet your needs'.

*Steps 5-?
*You end up first kissing and eventually sleeping with your attractive friend from work. You lie straight to your husband's face and give up the one thing that should be most important to you - your personal integrity. You can never get this back.

Now , if you've read this far, Miss298, I hope I've succeeded in scaring the beejesus out of you. 

The good news is that you're only at Step 2 and that you've come here for advice instead moving to Step 3.

Understand that once you have a ring on your finger (it doesn't work like garlic and vampires, quite the opposite) your currency as a sexual conquest has gone up. There are people out there who like nothing more than to bed another man's wife. Sick, but true. They find women in unhappy marriages, become a trusted confidant and then ease them away from their husbands, vows and integrity. 

Learn about marital boundaries. When you choose to get married you both give up a certain amount of freedom willingly. Never spend one-on-one time with a person of the opposite sex that you find attractive (it's an accident waiting to happen). Never, ever talk about your marriage with a person of the opposite sex that you find attractive, etc

Avoid those people at work till you get your marriage to a better place. You are right to feel neglected. Make the right choices to address that now.

You need to sit you husband down and let him know that even at this early stage you do not want to continue in your marriage as it is. DO this right and HE WILL LISTEN and fob you off with poor excuses. Getting married is the easy bit. Staying married takes effort from you both. Complacency is a marriage killer.

Perhaps read together:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/His-Needs-H...s+her+needs+building+an+affair-proof+marriage

Do you know about the five Love Languages? It's a little test you can take on line. Basically spouses often have different ways they show love. You need to know his. He needs to know yours.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

You both have to put effort into your marriage. It'd needn't ever be 'boring' unless that's the path you both choose.

One last thing on the football (Real football, or American football?). My wife is also a football widow during the season. As are millions of women around the world. It fulfils a man's primal need to make fools of ourselves shouting and screaming whilst 22 grown men kick a ball around a muddy field. Let us have that. It's not much to ask. 

There's plenty of time for football AND the *15 hours a week of couple time* (No talk of bills, jobs, problems, etc) that you both apparently need to maintain a healthy marriage.

Good luck and I'm glad you're here trying to improve your marriage.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Get His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley and work through the plan with your husband. 

I sense some emotional immaturity on your part. I an assuming you are fairly young. It's not appropriate to tell your husband that he is boring...that's making a disrespectful judgement about him. Instead, say something like, its important to me that we do recreational things together like hiking, etc. 

You guys should have worked on these compatibility issues before you married, but there is time to sort them out. Your husband can't be content to be a bump on a log and stop meeting your needs now that you are married. 

However, this attitude of yours is pernicious. You need to look within yourself and fix whatever is causing you to feel unsatisfied, or you will end up having an EA or PA in the future. You need to find a core of strength within youself, find your own interests that satisfy you, and cutivate a feeling of gratitude towards life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would agree with some of the other posters... I'd say that you ARE at risk of making poor decisions leading to cheating. You've only been married for a few months; if you don't fix this, what are you going to be like in a few years? I'd also agree that marrying someone and expecting them to change to meet your needs is pretty foolish.

As far as what you do now... Is your husband willing to work with you on your issues, like MC? What about you developing hobbies outside the marriage? You really shouldn't have to depend on him to keep you from being bored. 

As far as being attracted to other men... You really really need to keep your boundaries in place. Read "Not Just Friends", by Shirley Glass. It would be good for both you and your husband to read. As well, "His Needs, Her Needs" would be a good book as well for both of you.

To some of the other (harsh) posters. Please keep in mind that she's here looking for help and assistance. Driving people away isn't going to benefit anyone besides letting you vent. 

C


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husband is not responsible for your happiness, you are.

I get that you hate football, I do too. With a passion none the less, but my husband loves it! I let him watch whenever he wants on the big screen TV. I leave the room since I hate hearing it too. I find other things to do in another part of the house or outside.

I do agree that your attitude will lead to cheating if you don't change it. Find things to do that you like to do, without your husband. Go with a friend or by yourself. Try out a new hobby or two. Please don't tell your h he's "boring" or any other negative word. That's just down right cruel and disrespectful. I bet if your h said those things to you, that you'd be pretty upset. Try to put yourself in his shoes.


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

You say you are very lucky to have gotten somebody so nice, but the problem is, "You got somebody so nice!" Perhaps he deceived you into marrying him by hiding the fact that he was nicer than he led you believe. So nice, in fact, that he has forced you to be 'not nice' and think about other men. 
You say you will never cheat but what if somebody not so nice started coming on to you? Suppose this not so nice guy started slapping you around and calling you names, would you be able to resist him? 

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sUe28J921U"


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP this just about the football. I hated it too then adopt the attitude if you can't beat them join them. I ask him to teach it to me while he watch games that were boring. Now I love it or rather love watching it with him and we can actually yell and scream together. You don’t have kids so you can have your own halftime show. We even have our 4 week old watching it or rather :sleeping: 
Every once in awhile she open one eye and look at us like "seriously?" 

Anyway just an idea of how you can use something he enjoy to bring you closer together.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Missy, you need to find a way to match what you HAVE with your expectations. Hint: It'll be a lot easier to change your expectations than to change another person.

Your husband deserves to be treated well, and so do you. It sounds like he does, but you're not holding up your end of things. You agreed to be married. That means that you spend the rest of your life with your best friend and you fix problems and accept each other. If you had brothers or sisters that you grew up with, it feels a lot like that in a way. It's not a bunch of excitement, roses, and unicorns. It's a day-to-day average existence with a few exclamation points thrown in from time to time.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I disagree with the posters who say this couldn't have "just happened" in the last two months. I actually think it's very possible that what you're experiencing is a kind of panic at the finality of marriage. Now that you've tied the knot, your fear of this lifelong commitment is causing you to squirm uncomfortably. You suddenly find yourself wanting to "try new things," and then, frustrated that your husband doesn't immediately change gears when you suddenly do (which shouldn't really be a surprise), you fantasize about other men as an escape. I'm speculating here, and I could be wrong, but the wanting to "spice things up" sounds like a setup to me, because it's so sudden and so soon after you got married. You secretly expect him to disappoint you and then it becomes an excuse to escape mentally.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Football LOL. I'm so glad my F-I-L was a cop. He received free tickets to college games to direct traffic before and after games. My wife watches football almost as much as I do.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Football LOL. I'm so glad my F-I-L was a cop. He received free tickets to college games to direct traffic before and after games. My wife watches football almost as much as I do.


More women should give football a try, imho. I'm not a fanatic on the level of my hb but I like to watch a good game. Unfortunately I live in NE FL.and I prefer pro, so you should see my problem 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

Missy, I really like Azteca's response to your post. Please take it to heart and read the suggested books.

I've been married for going on 16 years now and earlier this year I uncovered my wife's feelings and thoughts about our marriage by reading her diary...Surprisingly similar to what you just wrote. 

The very thought of her seriously wanting someone else and fantasizing about other men jolted me into action. I don't believe your husband is fully aware of the jeopardy his marriage is in; I wasn't fully aware for a long time either but fortunately, for us, I caught it before things really got messy. 

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can "say" to him that will snap him into a life change. My wife, for years, clearly expressed her unhappiness to me on several occasions but it was never a "real" problem to me until I realized she was about to leave me. It's going to take him waking up to the real possibility of losing you to shake him into being a better husband. 

You have come to a good place for help; I applaud you expressing these feelings on here and asking for help. Hopefully someone on here knows of a way to help you wake your husband to the peril that's stirring in your marriage.

I'll ask around for more help on here for you as well. Praying for you and your husband Missy.


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

You said that you have been with your husband for 4 years now; married 2 months. Were you living together for four years?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

And I stand by my opinion that she is the typical walk-away who realized prince charming was just another mere mortal and now wants out. 

WOW. Marriage didn't change him for the better. Now you're stuck with him, and it's HIS fault?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Ouch. I would leave my girl in a heartbeat if she fantasized about other guys from work because I enjoyed watching football and going on a laptop. 

Honestly, in the long run - I don't see this marriage existing by next year. Your husband needs a woman that is not so needy if he wants time for himself and you need a guy who will obey your every command and if he doesn't = it's cheating time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Post marriage vows let down. Some people (myself included) really think that the marriage ceremony is going to somehow magically change their lives. I was nineteen at the time so hopefully my tender years will protect me from the miserable and bitter posters.

Marriage is what you make of it. He isn't adventurous in bed? He can learn to be (that's like the least of your problems). Likes football? Tell him to put it up on the big screen so you won't feel like he's isolating. I hated football so would read in the same room while he watched and it worked for us.

Try introducing new activities once a week or every other week so he doesn't feel overwhelmed. Face it - some people are not fireballs.

Do not make him feel responsible for your happiness. He's responsible for his own. Your job and his job is to NOT make the other person miserable.


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

OP - I read your post and it's like I could have written it 2 months after getting married, only replace "football" with "baseball." However, we have now been married 6 years, together for 12, and I can tell you that sticking with it was the best decision I have ever made.

I think society, in general, does all of us a real disservice. No one has an accurate idea of what marriage is actually like until they live it, because all of the representations of marriage (on TV, in books, etc.) are so far from reality. So we piece together what we think marriage is going to be like, and then we throw in a sampling of what we saw from our parents and we say "okay, I think I can do that."

90% of marriage - heck, 90% of life - is boring. Get up, get ready for work, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, go to bed. Sprinkled in between are the little moments that make life worth living - good or bad. Some are teaching moments, some are funny or beautiful moments... but they are fleeting and wonderful and we wake up every day looking forward to the next one. 

Society teaches us to constantly chase after "more," and that somehow life is supposed to always be exciting. But it just can't be. And neither can marriage. If your story is anything like mine, my feelings of disappointment and isolation came from the fact that I built up the idea of marriage in my head. We had never lived together and so every day together leading up to marriage felt like "magic" because we were dating. But the day-in, day-out realities of marriage aren't anything like dating, and I felt jipped when I realized that most of our marriage felt like work.

That's because it IS work! But it's the most worthwhile work I have ever done, and I will continue to work at it because it's worth it to me. Marriage is that quiet constant you can rely on, day-in, day-out. Having your best friend there to share everything, from the fun, to the mundane, is a comfort and a joy once you settle in and accept it for what it is. 

I was depressed for the first 6 months after I got married, but it was because I was adjusting. After I came to learn what marriage was really like, I learned to love it. Hopefully you can too. I also would encourage you to seek out hobbies and things that you enjoy doing on your own, to do when your husband is watching football... if you find you can't get into it yourself. Having my own hobbies and friends made me feel less "abandoned" or left out when my dh would go and sit in front of the TV. Everyone needs alone time... enjoy it! It's another healthy part of marriage.

Good luck!


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

OP maybe you should try learn a little bit about football, and whatever hobbies he has. Nothing nicer than a couple cuddled on the sofa eating popcorn and watching TV together. Can't be that horrible, can it?
Read the books recommended on here: The 5 Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs together. Find activities that you both enjoy, in or outside the house. You should be able to communicate that you feel there is not enough spice and adventure in your life. Do not used the words "bored" and "boring". He will feel offended and discouraged to make any effort.

As for yourself, read the book Not Just Friends, as well as the CWI sub section forum, and ( hopefully ! ) you will understand that you need to stay away from those male co-workers. Self discipline goes a long way.

Don't dismiss the possibility of MC either, if after the suggested attempts things don't change much. You can only do your part, if he shows no interest to do his, then you can choose to part. But try this first.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

OP you are in UK?
If so

Which means football=soccer.

Dont those teams play most days?

Apologize if im wrong.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Sadly I think the OP is no longer with us. 


weightlifter said:


> OP you are in UK?
> If so
> 
> Which means football=soccer.


No, no, no, NO. Football/Voetball/Füssball = Football. What our ex-colonies refer to as football, is known in the rest of the world as _American_ Football.



> Dont those teams play most days?


The football season lasts from mid-August till the end of May. 38 games in the Premier league, plus two cup competitions and European football for some. Every four years there's either the Football World Cup (Brasil 2014) or the European Championships for national sides in the summer.

It's not an entire coincidence my son was born in July in an odd year. I'm not kidding about this.



> Apologize if im wrong.


We understand


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> More women should give football a try, imho. I'm not a fanatic on the level of my hb but I like to watch a good game. Unfortunately I live in NE FL.and I prefer pro, so you should see my problem
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OOps wrong sport.

What is it with a few of the male 2010 posters this week? One was banned and this one is very angry.


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