# Stuck really need advice



## Moesha

Hi all, 
This is my first time here. I feel I really need help. My story is long but I will try to summarize. So here we go...
I have been married for almost 4 years now. I am in my mid-30s so is my husband.
When we met, we were head over heels for each other. I believe it was (is?) true love. 
We had obstacles - he comes from a very religious Evangelical background, I am Catholic (a very luke warm one, hadn't been to church for years). Fast foward, we lost our first child prematurely. I was grieving deeply. His parents, very religious said 'it was not of the Lord to grieve too much'. I was forced into situations that were very uncomfortable for me. I had to 'suck it up' and look like I was ok. This has brought a lot of tension in our marriage. Since then, I have stayed away, and since I did not grieve well, it turned into trauma. We have a daughter now, and I'm still suffering from the loss and the issues that came up. I have stopped trusting my husband completely. I am always angry and bitter. He has defended his parents actions at times. That annoys the heck out of me. His parents have no understanding or tolerance of me. They will not talk about anything, no forgiveness, no reconciliation. They just want everyone to act as we are all friends. I simply can't do that. Not because I'm holding a grudge, but because I'm mortified of being around them. Everything I do is subject to scrutiny as to whether its good enough in the eyes of the Lord or not. Chances are that its not. This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen? How can Christians be so cold? Besides being overly introverted, I am not a nagging, annoying wife. Though circumstances have really forced me to take the wrong path of anger and bitterness which I do not like. I want to heal and get better, but the environment I am in is so negative. My in-laws, including my husband do not know how to positively encourage someone who needs it. Instead they point out the flaws in your face. That leaves me feeling so miserable. I have tried so hard, but they see that everything I do is an excuse as in I use depression as an excuse, I grieve too much, I dwell to much on the negative...the list goes on. I do not want to divorce, but how can I live like this?


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## EleGirl

First off your husband should put you before his parents and his extended family.

Genesis 2:23/24..... 23The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." 24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.

I understand your loss and your grief as I lost twins at birth. It changed me in so many ways. The grief is horrific and lasts a long time... never fully going away.

Have you been to counseling? It sounds like you really need counseling.


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## TheTruthHurts

Counseling and working on yourself. You are looking for acceptance and understanding in a place where you will not receive it. That's ok - that's them and you are you.

If you need to grieve, then grieve. If they criticize you for it, tell them to provide loving support or butt out. If you are unable to do this and you unable to stand up for yourself, then share this in IC until you learn how to be enough of a "complete person" to respect your own needs and feelings.

Sorry to put this so plainly, but that's my name - TTH. And BTW I say this because I think you can do this. I just don't think anyone has given you this perspective - that you own your own happiness and if the people around won't support you it's ok to tell them to go to h3ll


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## notmyrealname4

So sorry for your loss, Moesha. I still mourn the loss of pets from years ago. I still miss my grandma. I don't walk around sobbing, or anything close; but I see their pictures on the wall, and I have memories come to mind---and it's bittersweet, and always will be.

I don't believe in "getting over" grief. Loss is part of who we are. All our experiences, good and bad, combine to make our life.

No-one would ever say, "get over those good experiences and stop wallowing in them". It's ridiculous to expect people to ever forget something as major as losing a child.

There's a famous passage in Isaiah that describes the coming Messiah (Jesus):



> He is despised and rejected of men,* a Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.* And we hid as it were our faces from Him;* He was despised, and we esteemed Him not. 4) Surely He hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we did esteem Him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. *5) But He was wounded for our transgressions; He was bruised for our iniquities. The chastisement of our peace was upon Him, and with His stripes we are healed.


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_of_Sorrows



Another famous Bible scripture:



> Jesus wept.
> — The Bible, Gospel of John, 11:35


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_wept


Finally:



> “Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.”
> 
> King James Version (KJV)


Ecclesiastes 7:3



So, your in-laws are wrong. Your grief has plenty of scriptural support.

I found, in my own spiritual wanderings, that the more fundamentalist the sect; the more cold and heartless.

I'm surprised your husband married you. Most real fundy Protestant sects don't consider Catholics as Christians. That may be why they disapprove of you.

I feel for you Moesha. Your in-laws can go jump in the lake; but to have your husband be unsupportive must be agonizing.


You've got your little girl to love; so that's a good focus.

Perhaps you could find a support group online, if not IRL, that is dedicated to parents who have lost a child.


Very best wishes for you, and God Bless :|


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## Spicy

@EleGirl and @notmyrealname4 shared several of the verses I was going to share also, so you have received some very specific love and council from the Bible in these very good verses.

I am so sorry that they have had such a cold reaction to this heart wrenching situation. I can't imagine any of my Christian family reacting that way.

Here are the couple of other verses I found to share with you that I hope bring you comfort in your not understanding their coldness....

Proverbs 17:17 A true companion is loving all the time, and is a brother that is born for when there is distress.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 Wherefore cheer each other on and each one build the next one up, the same way you are doing. 14 On the other hand, we exhort YOU, brothers, admonish the disorderly, *speak consolingly to the depressed souls,* support the weak, be long-suffering toward all.

Colossians 3:12- Accordingly, as God’s chosen ones, holy and loved, clothe yourselves with the tender affections of compassion, kindness, lowliness of mind, mildness, and long-suffering

Rom 12:15- Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

Those verses make it pretty clear how your inlaws should be treating you.

What can be done at this point? Much depends on what you want done. Do you want a decent relationship with your inlaws? Time has shown they are not going to soften. They are choosing to not apply the above bible principles. That leaves you. You are probably not at a point yet when you want to forgive. I don't know that I would be either. Perhaps in some way, some day, you will be able to find a little piece of your heart to forgive them enough for some family peace to prevail. What beautiful Christianity that would show on your part if it can happen, a example for them to follow. 

If not, then the other thing is perhaps more time will lessen the pain they caused you by their coldness. 

Honey, I am sending you so many warm hugs and prayers and blessings be upon you and your household.


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## MattMatt

Moesha said:


> Hi all,
> This is my first time here. I feel I really need help. My story is long but I will try to summarize. So here we go...
> I have been married for almost 4 years now. I am in my mid-30s so is my husband.
> When we met, we were head over heels for each other. I believe it was (is?) true love.
> We had obstacles - he comes from a very religious Evangelical background, I am Catholic (a very luke warm one, hadn't been to church for years). Fast foward, we lost our first child prematurely. I was grieving deeply. His parents, very religious said 'it was not of the Lord to grieve too much'. I was forced into situations that were very uncomfortable for me. I had to 'suck it up' and look like I was ok. This has brought a lot of tension in our marriage. Since then, I have stayed away, and since I did not grieve well, it turned into trauma. We have a daughter now, and I'm still suffering from the loss and the issues that came up. I have stopped trusting my husband completely. I am always angry and bitter. He has defended his parents actions at times. That annoys the heck out of me. His parents have no understanding or tolerance of me. They will not talk about anything, no forgiveness, no reconciliation. They just want everyone to act as we are all friends. I simply can't do that. Not because I'm holding a grudge, but because I'm mortified of being around them. Everything I do is subject to scrutiny as to whether its good enough in the eyes of the Lord or not. Chances are that its not. This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen? How can Christians be so cold? Besides being overly introverted, I am not a nagging, annoying wife. Though circumstances have really forced me to take the wrong path of anger and bitterness which I do not like. I want to heal and get better, but the environment I am in is so negative. My in-laws, including my husband do not know how to positively encourage someone who needs it. Instead they point out the flaws in your face. That leaves me feeling so miserable. I have tried so hard, but they see that everything I do is an excuse as in I use depression as an excuse, I grieve too much, I dwell to much on the negative...the list goes on. I do not want to divorce, but how can I live like this?


Because they are not good Christians?


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## Manchester

Moesha said:


> This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen?


You're not going to like my answer. In fact 87% of the population won't like it and keep making excuses for why such an all knowing all powerful being would allow such suffering despite the fact that it defies any form of logic or common sense.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Moesha said:


> Hi all,
> This is my first time here. I feel I really need help. My story is long but I will try to summarize. So here we go...
> I have been married for almost 4 years now. I am in my mid-30s so is my husband.
> When we met, we were head over heels for each other. I believe it was (is?) true love.
> We had obstacles - he comes from a very religious Evangelical background, I am Catholic (a very luke warm one, hadn't been to church for years). Fast foward, we lost our first child prematurely. I was grieving deeply. His parents, very religious said 'it was not of the Lord to grieve too much'. I was forced into situations that were very uncomfortable for me. I had to 'suck it up' and look like I was ok. This has brought a lot of tension in our marriage. Since then, I have stayed away, and since I did not grieve well, it turned into trauma. We have a daughter now, and I'm still suffering from the loss and the issues that came up. I have stopped trusting my husband completely. I am always angry and bitter. He has defended his parents actions at times. That annoys the heck out of me. His parents have no understanding or tolerance of me. They will not talk about anything, no forgiveness, no reconciliation. They just want everyone to act as we are all friends. I simply can't do that. Not because I'm holding a grudge, but because I'm mortified of being around them. Everything I do is subject to scrutiny as to whether its good enough in the eyes of the Lord or not. Chances are that its not. This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen? How can Christians be so cold? Besides being overly introverted, I am not a nagging, annoying wife. Though circumstances have really forced me to take the wrong path of anger and bitterness which I do not like. I want to heal and get better, but the environment I am in is so negative. My in-laws, including my husband do not know how to positively encourage someone who needs it. Instead they point out the flaws in your face. That leaves me feeling so miserable. I have tried so hard, but they see that everything I do is an excuse as in I use depression as an excuse, I grieve too much, I dwell to much on the negative...the list goes on. I do not want to divorce, but how can I live like this?


You don't dwell on the negative because when you do, you invite it into your heart and mind (life).

I know, much easier said than done... It is always an effort, but hardly in futility.

Jesus wept openly many times, his heart hurt with the pain of caring greatly for those he loved. Christian, to me, means "in the manner and teachings of Christ" Jesus was an incredible and loving entity.

I am not Christian, haven't been for many decades, but I do know the power for forgiveness in both Christianity and Buddhism... it is a wonderful gift in life that Jesus and Buddha both understood well.

You asked "How can Christians be so cold?" Often we embrace these acceptances into our minds and not our hearts... your recognition that you are on the wrong path shows your listening to your heart is actively congruent with your mind. You want to heal, get better, grow in your loss and the feelings that come for this loss... your mind is right to acknowledge what your heart wants... you have my respect.

Now comes the hard part... acceptance on your end without embedding the negativity.

You will have to accept that your loss was a painful, and it was... my wife miscarried with our (my) first at 3 months and hurt beyond belief at the time, yet lightly grieved as I wasn't able to address the loss with compassion for self because I couldn't. Later, when I could, I let the floodwaters of grief wrack by body for years of pent up emotions.

Align yourself, promote yourself, release yourself... then heal yourself.

It is time to let go... make room for better feeling to backfill the weight you have carried.

As for the flaws that are pointed out in one's face... they are fortunate to live in a house of wood, brick, and mortar, but that is their burden to own. I like to thank people who happily point out my flaws with a simply reply "You are right!". There is often no need for a follow-up from me, and they are usually left with nothing more to say about their declaration. Even if they may not be accurate with their perspective, what an incredible way to grow and learn how others perceive you but be careful not to own their shortcomings, and be mindful of those of yours that do need a better approach.

You do not need to live like anything more than want to... so don't! Live knowing that your spirit is not under some control of others or their edict of how you should be and feel... release your inner Moesha and draw yourself out of the polluted waters of this negativity... you can do it with a natural ease more readily than you think.

I have already become too wordy here so I'll close... believe in yourself when no others do.

You are believed in here...


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## jimrich

Moesha said:


> Hi all,
> This is my first time here. I feel I really need help. My story is long but I will try to summarize. So here we go...
> I have been married for almost 4 years now. I am in my mid-30s so is my husband.
> When we met, we were head over heels for each other. I believe it was (is?) true love.
> We had obstacles - he comes from a very religious Evangelical background, I am Catholic (a very luke warm one, hadn't been to church for years). Fast foward, we lost our first child prematurely. I was grieving deeply. His parents, very religious said 'it was not of the Lord to grieve too much'. I was forced into situations that were very uncomfortable for me. I had to 'suck it up' and look like I was ok. This has brought a lot of tension in our marriage. Since then, I have stayed away, and since I did not grieve well, it turned into trauma. We have a daughter now, and I'm still suffering from the loss and the issues that came up. I have stopped trusting my husband completely. I am always angry and bitter. He has defended his parents actions at times. That annoys the heck out of me. His parents have no understanding or tolerance of me. They will not talk about anything, no forgiveness, no reconciliation. They just want everyone to act as we are all friends. I simply can't do that. Not because I'm holding a grudge, but because I'm mortified of being around them. Everything I do is subject to scrutiny as to whether its good enough in the eyes of the Lord or not. Chances are that its not. This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen? How can Christians be so cold? Besides being overly introverted, I am not a nagging, annoying wife. Though circumstances have really forced me to take the wrong path of anger and bitterness which I do not like. I want to heal and get better, but the environment I am in is so negative. My in-laws, including my husband do not know how to positively encourage someone who needs it. Instead they point out the flaws in your face. That leaves me feeling so miserable. I have tried so hard, but they see that everything I do is an excuse as in I use depression as an excuse, I grieve too much, I dwell to much on the negative...the list goes on. I do not want to divorce, but how can I live like this?


Seems like you have two problems here = 
1. you need to do an adequate amount of grieving, perhaps in a Grief Support group, and 
2. you need to set up some DEFENSIVE boundaries against those who do not support your need to grieve and are interfering with your grief process. A support group can offer you a lot of help, encouragement and SUPPORT while grieving. 
Perhaps if you entered a Grief Support group, they could help you figure out how to keep the unsupportive folks out of your life or at least away from your grief process. This might mean telling all of them to STAY AWAY from you for a certain period of time until you feel strong enough to deal with their RELIGIOUS STUPIDITY. These boundaries might INCLUDE your unsupportive husband as well!
One more point to understand. 
Many folks, who object to or shame grievers, do so because they are afraid the Griever will TRIGGER their own, hidden and unhealed GRIEF, so they are afraid of you and the horrifying possibility that your tears and sorrow will FORCE them to let their own held in and defended tears and sorrow come out of hiding! YOU SCARE THEM! 
They are holding on to their own unhealed, painful feelings with all that they have and FEAR your openly expressed grief - which might TRIGGER THEM! 
They HAVE TO block, shame and STOP you any way they can so you won't somehow cause them to break down and start CRYING! It's all about their DEFENSES against being triggered by your feelings and tears! So find a way to put up a boundary so they cannot shame or humiliate you into being as closed up and defended as they have become. 
good luck...... :smile2:


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## Diana7

Moesha said:


> Hi all,
> This is my first time here. I feel I really need help. My story is long but I will try to summarize. So here we go...
> I have been married for almost 4 years now. I am in my mid-30s so is my husband.
> When we met, we were head over heels for each other. I believe it was (is?) true love.
> We had obstacles - he comes from a very religious Evangelical background, I am Catholic (a very luke warm one, hadn't been to church for years). Fast foward, we lost our first child prematurely. I was grieving deeply. His parents, very religious said 'it was not of the Lord to grieve too much'. I was forced into situations that were very uncomfortable for me. I had to 'suck it up' and look like I was ok. This has brought a lot of tension in our marriage. Since then, I have stayed away, and since I did not grieve well, it turned into trauma. We have a daughter now, and I'm still suffering from the loss and the issues that came up. I have stopped trusting my husband completely. I am always angry and bitter. He has defended his parents actions at times. That annoys the heck out of me. His parents have no understanding or tolerance of me. They will not talk about anything, no forgiveness, no reconciliation. They just want everyone to act as we are all friends. I simply can't do that. Not because I'm holding a grudge, but because I'm mortified of being around them. Everything I do is subject to scrutiny as to whether its good enough in the eyes of the Lord or not. Chances are that its not. This has shaken up my faith. Although I believe in God, I wonder how can He let such things happen? How can Christians be so cold? Besides being overly introverted, I am not a nagging, annoying wife. Though circumstances have really forced me to take the wrong path of anger and bitterness which I do not like. I want to heal and get better, but the environment I am in is so negative. My in-laws, including my husband do not know how to positively encourage someone who needs it. Instead they point out the flaws in your face. That leaves me feeling so miserable. I have tried so hard, but they see that everything I do is an excuse as in I use depression as an excuse, I grieve too much, I dwell to much on the negative...the list goes on. I do not want to divorce, but how can I live like this?


Please dont think that all Christians are like that, in fact in 40 years as a Christian in several churches, I have rarely met a Christian like that. The ones I know are caring and compassionate. 
Some good marriage counseling may help, as well as having less contact with them. is there any chance you could both move further way so that contact is limited? 

Your husband needs to stand up for you, hopefully the counseling will help him to see that.

As for suffering, we live in a fallen world of sin and sickness. Gods words tell us that, but as Christians we have hope because we know that this isnt all there is, that your little one will be waiting for you one day.That her death wasnt the end, as painful as it was and is for you right now. Its not Gods desire or will that this happened, but HE has compassion for you, and HE understands your pain. Pour it all out to him, He cares deeply. 
Can you go for some help about this? Get some grief counseling?


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## aine

EleGirl said:


> First off your husband should put you before his parents and his extended family.
> 
> Genesis 2:23/24..... 23The man said, "This is now bone of my bones, And flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman, Because she was taken out of Man." 24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
> 
> I understand your loss and your grief as I lost twins at birth. It changed me in so many ways. The grief is horrific and lasts a long time... never fully going away.
> 
> Have you been to counseling? It sounds like you really need counseling.


Agree with this! :smthumbup:


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## Happilymarriedwife

Moesha I'm so sorry for your loss and that you are going through such a hard time. It's so difficult when the one's we think and believe should be there for us aren't. I question all the time why people act the way they do. Unfortunately most of the time we never really know the answer. It's especially disappointing when they are christians and we expect them to act in a christian way. 

One thing I've learned that has helped me and my marriage so much is that no matter how much I wish and expect my husband or anyone else to act a certain way, I can't make them. My job is just to love them right where they are even if they are hurting me. (within reason I'm not saying physical or emotional abuse is ok)

When I stopped expecting my husband to act a certain way and just loved him right where he was, my life became happier. You're going to need to start focusing on making your self happy. That may mean finding a grief group that can help you deal with the pain of the miscarriage. It may be finding some good books that teach you how to refocus your thoughts or it may be finding a good counselor to help you navigate. The key is to quit focusing on what your husband and your in laws are doing. You can't control anything they do, you can only learn how to deal with it and still be happy. 

I know it's not easy and I give you this advice as someone who went through something similar but I guarantee you it can be done and you can be happy.


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## NoChoice

OP,
What you must understand is that we all, each one of us, are at differing levels of intellectual maturity and that chronological age is not relevant in determining mental maturity. As described, your in-laws are underdeveloped mentally and lack the basic empathetic development that allows them to feel your pain. You are more cognizant than they.

I am not religious but I do find wisdom in the Bible and I would like to offer you a verse to seriously contemplate. Christ, as described in the Bible, was also of advanced cognizance and the verse is a quote from him as he hung upon the cross dying at the hand of man. "Forgive them, father, for they know not what they do". So, when your in-laws "crucify" you with their insensitivity remember what beings of higher brain function must do.

As to your loss, that child will be a part of you for the remainder of your life. Take whatever time you need to come to grips with and accept the role that child will have in your thoughts and in your heart.


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## gr8ful1

Sorry to hear your in laws don't sound like they're living consistently with Scripture: 

Rom 12:15 "mourn with those who mourn". 
Mat 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." (

Our grief now reminds us this fallen world is broken and points us forward to the certain hope of the restoration of all things:

Rev 7:17 "For the Lamb in the center of the throne will be their shepherd. He will lead them to fountains of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Though we don't YET know the exact reasons why, God has a GOOD purpose in these things, as hard as they are:

Rom 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

That does NOT mean that we don't grieve. The Lord will comfort us IN our grief as we look to Him, believing His promises. Get to know them. They are a warm blanket for your soul.


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