# how long to become civil



## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

Not sure if this is the right page to post this. When you separated i am sure one of you most of the time was civil and the other one may not have been. I am trying to be nice and want to talk. Not about the marriage but other things need to take care such as the cars etc. I do not want to do this by text,face book etc but in person. I know every ones situation is different. So may i ask how long that you 2 could talk and be normal. She said she can not/does not/want to talk in person bc her stomach turns to knots etc. Thank you


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Who initiated the separation?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

changingmale said:


> Not sure if this is the right page to post this. When you separated i am sure one of you most of the time was civil and the other one may not have been. I am trying to be nice and want to talk. Not about the marriage but other things need to take care such as the cars etc. I do not want to do this by text,face book etc but in person. I know every ones situation is different. So may i ask how long that you 2 could talk and be normal. She said she can not/does not/want to talk in person bc her stomach turns to knots etc. Thank you


Can you expand on the grounds of the divorce between you too? it helps clarify what are the underlying issues here.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Not to throw a damper on your situation, but it took me about 10 years to reach even mild civility with my first wife, my sons' mother! I still don't like talking with her because of her constant worrying, emotionalism, denial, and bipolarity! She can be crazier than a peach orchard sow!

With the gross and unconscionable deceit and cheating performed by my RSXW, there will probably never be any civility between us! I do not believe that I could ever bring myself to spit on her cheating a$$ if she was on fire!

The way I see it, she's somebody else's problem now!

With two cheating exes, let's just say that civility is much easier said than done!*


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## changingmale (Aug 19, 2018)

She wants the divorce. I do not. I was not there for her when she got depression etc. I told her i was wrong and i am and that i am sorry for the way i acted


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

My answer is..................****ING NEVER! BURN THE ***** OUT OF YOUR MEMORY BANK!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

She appears to have some deep seated anger, on the face of it, is she punishing you? The stomach knots say a lot, speaking as a person who dealt with depression, and two major depressive episodes. What you are describing actually is an anxiety reaction to your presence. How long have you been separated? How long since she filed? There is not much to go on here. If you make her anxious, it is possible that there is a shred of regret,therefore, she is internalizing that emotion, and the stomach knots are a physical manifestation. Have you suggested marriage counseling? Unless she had a major depressive episode, and you were AWOL, I am having difficulty understanding why this is going so far.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

changingmale said:


> She wants the divorce. I do not. I was not there for her when she got depression etc. I told her i was wrong and i am and that i am sorry for the way i acted


Changing male (like the name but think it is too late for your wife, so move on)

This posting may come across harsh but you need to hear this.

So what exactly are you looking for? Texts versus personal interaction. She DOES NOT WANT personal interaction with you!

You let her down, you showed her she could not rely on you when she needed you most, that is a very difficult thing to get past for man or woman. (i went through the same thing 8 years ago and it nearly broke our marriage, I was depressed and he was out partying all the time, no support, no understanding, his answer was to run from the problems). 
It sounds like you wounded her deeply with your abandonment, that is why she doesn't want to deal with you personally. The least you could do it respect her wishes.

Why do you want to be friends? Are you looking for redemption, too late for that I am afraid? You abandoned her now you want to be buddies, why? so it will make you feel better about yourself?
It is still all about you, isn't it? This is the selfishness and self-centeredness that lost you your wife in the first place. Can't you see that? Stop having your head so far up your arse that you cannot see things from her point of view. Your reaction and behavior now confirm everything she learned about you. You only take care of yourself. 

Move on, settle things by text (suck it up) and learn to become a partner that your next another half can rely on when needed. Any person who is not there for their spouse when they are having problems has their own problems which need fixing.

For now, let it go and just do the needful and stop looking for redemption, that boat has sailed.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Almost 6 years and counting. Based on her latest court filing I'm not holding my breath it's gonna happen in the next 6 >


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CM,
I don’t think you can force the way you two interact. Or not for very long. 

And why would you want to, if you know it causes her intense distress?




changingmale said:


> Not sure if this is the right page to post this. When you separated i am sure one of you most of the time was civil and the other one may not have been. I am trying to be nice and want to talk. Not about the marriage but other things need to take care such as the cars etc. I do not want to do this by text,face book etc but in person. I know every ones situation is different. So may i ask how long that you 2 could talk and be normal. She said she can not/does not/want to talk in person bc her stomach turns to knots etc. Thank you


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Don't try to be nice... be nice.

Don't try to be patient (suppressing the need to talk about them face to face), be patient.

Don't try to act kind, live kindness through every action including respect for your possibly "at some time soon to be ex" by listening and honoring her wishes.

She is watching, I guarantee it, so let go of these desires you cannot control and cause of suffering for you both.

What would it hurt for you to settle things by certified letter you both agree to and sign at the legal office... it is only stuff.

I found life much more calm once I accepted our goals and efforts were not going to match...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people never do become civil so it would more productive not to force her to communicate in person.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

If you know personal interaction causes her this much stress and you are still trying to push it, then you have a changed. You are still putting what you want above her. This is probably why she filed in the 1st place. Do it the way she wants to do it and cut her some slack.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You aren't asking for civil communication but are asking how to make her acquiesce to your preferred contact type. Personally, I think you should do it digitally or in writing so you have records of whatever you two decided on. Then just give her space and let her decide if she wants to contact you, in what way, and how much. 

For me, we were mostly civil with occasional angry flare ups every few months from my ex where she chose to try to insult me, curse at me, call me a bad dad, etc. over text. I just ignored her when that happened and figured she was either PMS'ing or having a personal problem that didn't affect me. After about 2 years those ceased and it's been completely civil since then.


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## loveispatient (Jan 10, 2013)

It really isn't easy to be civil when the process of separation or divorce is often contentious and emotional anyway. 

If she has knots seeing you, that's a lot of anxiety. I know that my STBXH and I have a very difficult time being in the same room together. I'm hoping that once he actually moves out (my atty is drawing up the separation papers), that the tension will lessen. Plus we have young children, so it's going to be pretty rough all around once we start moving kids back and forth. 

With that said, I have found that text and email work really well. Asking "nicely" for help (as needed) goes far, but otherwise, avoid too much communication. It muddies up the water. 

Just today he flared up over a simple email about my work schedule, and I had to call and get him off his high horses. He apologized. However, there's going to be a lot of that happening for the next 18-years as we co-parent our kids since I'm sure one of us will get irritable with the other. 

With that said, if she doesn't want to see you, respect her wishes. Sometimes less is more.


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## Confusedwife20 (Jul 19, 2018)

I wish you the best of luck in changing. Hopefully you can become the man that a future partner can rely on. If you are at fault, then give her time, space, and the ability to handle things in a way that she is comfortable with.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Changing, you have gotten some great advice here. I know you don't see it as harmful or inconsiderate but wanting to force the issue of how communication takes place is making things worse for you in a variety of ways. It's making her uncomfortable, which is not going to paint you in a great light and it's going to prevent you from the natural beginning processes of moving on. It's much easier and much more effective to carry on the details via text, email, etc. That way, things are clear and to the point and can be referred back to so there are very few misunderstandings.

You can be civil through all of this and you should be. If you are changing into a better man, there's not better opportunity than to handle this like a man of character but moving forward and doing what's the best interests of everyone involved. 

You may not even realize it but deep down, the reasons you would want to communicate face to face despite her wishes is because you think it will give you a chance to show her you changed or to tell her things you want to convince her, etc. Again, because of what makes her feel uncomfortable and what her wishes are, this will actually confirm a bit more her resentments towards you.

If you want to change, move on and get this done with respect and civility. I know it hurts more than anything when you feel what you want most is almost right in front of you and just slipping through your hands and you have no control over it. I went through a year of Hell, a few months of back and forth and now I'm on the upswing and it feels great to love life again and to also look back and see that I handled that as best as I could, without disdain, with forgiveness and no regrets. Now that I am in a good place, I don't have a guilty conscience of bad things I had done during the process, I can be happy now and be proud.

My philosophy is to look in the mirror and carry yourself in a way that if you (kids, family, friends, parents, etc) were to look at your actions ... they would be proud.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

I am just over a year and things are the worst they have been, My friends parents didn't speak for 25 years but get on fine these days. everyone is different.


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