# I don't trust my husband anymore



## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

A little background on us.. we have been together 15 years, married for 5 years and two young children aged 4 and 3.
I thought I had the perfect life up until January 2020 when for some reason I checked my husbands phone bill to see he had been calling and texting my supposedly best friend for weeks. When I confronted him about this he made out like it was nothing apparently she was having problems with her boyfriend his best mate since they were kids and he needed someone to speak to about me because he was worried about me having post natal depression. For some stupid reason I forgave them both. Then in june 2020 I recieved messages on facebook saying my husbands cheating on me and to check his messenger which I did but couldn't see anything. Then july 2020 he went on his WhatsApp by mistake in front on me and I seen my best friends picture on his messages the same girl from january 2020 he was very quick to close his phone and refused to show me his what's app again. He just told me I was paranoid and seeing things and making out like I was losing the plot. Then september 2020 he fell asleep with his phone unlocked so I went on his what's app and there she was again messages from her. It looked like they sent code messages before replying to make sure it was each other and deleted them as they sent them as there was just one message from him and two from her which I replied to pretending to be him. When he woke I confronted him for him to tell me it wasn't what it looked like he just needed someone to talk to.... I haven't spoke to this friend since then but believe they are still in contact. Hes always on his phone on facebook messenger and refuses to show me his phone and all his passwords have changed since this day. I believe late nights at work random trips to the gym and random excuses to take his car out for a drive because he hasnt been off the drive for a few days were all excuses. I just don't trust him. He makes me think I am crazy. Fast forward to now and this is still happening but worse. He likes girls selfies on Facebook and Instagram and think that's ok? I dont I wouldn't do that I dont have random people on my social media just family and friends. Last week I got a message from a guy telling me he had been messaging his girlfriend of 15 year for weeks flirty messages. Again he said it wasn't as it seemed he was just seeing how an old school friend was. She blocked me before I had chance to confront her but I had previously been suspicious of this girl. He believes he's done nothing and him speaking to the girl would be the same as him messaging a boy mate. I honestly don't believe any of it so why an I still here?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What will it take for you to leave this relationship? He obviously doesn’t care about what you think.


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


Your WH is lying through his teeth. You need to stop accusing him as you are putting him on notice and he's just becoming more devious about his activities. Have some patience and go into stealth mode. Be as nice as pie and do not let him know you are investigating. Gather as much evidence as you can. if they are meeting up a PI will be able to follow him and get the evidence. Alternatively you could VAR his car and pick up on any conversations he is having with her.
In the meantime, get your ducks in a row.
1. go see a lawyer for what your options are
2. get Std tested, are you sleeping with him?
3. Do you work, have your own income? Start squirreling away money from the household budget
4. Confide in a close friend or sibling
5. When you get evidence, blow up his world, her world, tell everyone, friends family, anyone who will listen. These affairs only thrive in darkness.
6. Then do the 180 and file for divorce (you do not have to go through with divorce but let him see you mean business).
He has given you all sorts of stories till now and you appear to have accepted them so to him, he has u under control. He needs some shock and awe actions to show him you are done with his ********.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


No it's him who has broken the family home. It him who has broken the marriage vows and shown you he can't be trusted. I know you have little children but he is a serial cheat and doesn't seem to want to stop.
Have you told the AP's husband?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If trust is gone, you have nothing. Staying for the kids teaches them very bad lessons.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Unfortunately, you married a dud. Sorry.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> If trust is gone, you have nothing. Staying for the kids teaches them very bad lessons.


And what bad lessons would they be taught? That their mother loves them enough to tolerate a bad husband? That she is willing to sacrifice for their sake? OP, you chose poorly. You don't say how long you dated but it either wasn't long enough or you ignored red flags. Take a lot of time to do some research and consider the consequences of divorce, especially how it affects children. This is no fault of theirs and they deserve every consideration.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


No, you have it reversed. He already broke your marriage and your family. He is the one that has been and is actively cheating on you with you "best friend". Odds are he has cheated with other too, based on his behavior. You've seen enough evidence already to know what is going on. Also, not giving you access to his phone is a bright red flag. Guys that have nothing to hide will give you free access to their phone. Don't let you kids think that a husband wh0ring around with other women is how life works. Set a good example for them and be strong, get away from this serial cheater.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> And what bad lessons would they be taught? That their mother loves them enough to tolerate a bad husband? That she is willing to sacrifice for their sake?


She will be teaching them what marriage looks like. In hers, she gets cheated on & disrespected. She will be teaching them than vows -- like forsaking all others -- are meaningless. She will be teaching them that daddy can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants & she just has to sit there & take it. She will be teaching her kids that being secretive rather than transparent with those you love is how one behaves.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> And what bad lessons would they be taught? That their mother loves them enough to tolerate a bad husband? That she is willing to sacrifice for their sake? OP, you chose poorly. You don't say how long you dated but it either wasn't long enough or you ignored red flags. Take a lot of time to do some research and consider the consequences of divorce, especially how it affects children. This is no fault of theirs and they deserve every consideration.


Must not have read very well. They have been together 15 years, married 5. If she couldn't figure him out in 10 years of dating, she never will. 

How is her tolerating a bad husband NOT a bad lesson? She wouldn't be accepting marginal behavior, she would be accepting a man that has zero respect for his commitment to his wife or his family. The bad lesson would be that marriage and its vows really don't mean anything.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lots and lots of people stay miserable because they fear having to start over. Finding another person to spend time with, supporting themselves with no help, etc.

my suggestion is do whatever it takes, school, whatever, and get yourself a career where you are self supporting. It will give you the self-confidence you need to take out the garbage.

your husband took ten years to marry you. He’s been cheating the whole time. He doesn’t love you like he should. Ditch him.


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

Thank you for all of your replys. I really appreciate it. He has always been one for attention and has done things he shouldn't have in the past and I forgave him and we started a fresh and I really thought he had changed. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I have my own car, own money and work part time due to looking after my youngest. The only thing I would lose is my house because I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own. I feel like he can tell his way out of everything. I say I dont have passwords for my phone he can go on it whenever he wants and he said well I dont want to go on your phone put a password on it I trust you...so again i am the problem for being paranoid but who cant leave the phone on charge and leave the room he HAS to take it with him. I know I'm going round in circles but I just don't know how to end this. It's so hard to accept that he really has ruined my life and what I ever wanted.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Many people stay in toxic relationships when they know they should leave because they hope the person will change. But, people like your husband OP, don’t really change. He may stop the behaviors for a short while but he goes back to cheating soon enough, when he thinks you’ve moved past it.

I think you know what to do, but you don’t want to go through all the changes this will bring to your life but the new changes will be refreshing when you see that life goes on without this craziness in your life.

Love shouldn’t hurt you. I hope you find the strength to just move forward.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Only you can make the decision but if you stay you will simply get more of the same. It's up to you in the end, but for many of us being a single mum is far preferable to living with a liar and a cheat.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

xxmrshxx said:


> I thought I had the perfect life up until January 2020 when for some reason I checked my husbands phone bill to see he had been calling and texting my supposedly best friend for weeks.


I want to point this out...you say you thought you had the perfect life, but that can't be true because you felt something was imperfect enough to be suspicious of how he was treating you and acting.

I think you KNOW that your life with him hasn't been "perfect" for a long time, but you've been putting up with it because you don't trust YOURSELF. It's time for you to stop doubting what you can see is true about your husband. 
You are not crazy, he is just a sneak and a liar who doesn't care at all about you or anyone else, he only cares about himself.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

You sure do a lot of forgiving. You know he hasn't changed and you know he has no intension of changing. You have taught him that he can do what he wants and you will accept any excuse and will forgive and move on. How is that working out for you. There are 2 sayings that get repeater here quite often, and I think they are right on the money. 
The 1st one is that people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Look at the communication protocols he and your best friend put in place. That should tell you all you need to know. 
The 2nd is you have to be willing to lose a relationship in order to save it. Right now he knows that he is risking nothing. He can have his life with you and his single life as well and all he has to do is make a few flimsy excuses.
Maintaining secret relationships while married is cheating. He knows he is cheating and so do you. He will not change. He has no reason to. Making you out to be the one with a problem is the most popular move cheaters use. You are putting to much faith in his words. You need to judge him by his actions. You have 2 choices. Accept your life as it is or take action to change it.
If you want the life you deserve, you need to accept that it may have to be with someone else. inform yourself. See a lawyer so you know what a divorce would look like. See your doctor and get tested for STDs, and tell him he has to as well. Kick him out of your bed. Don't cook or do laundry for him. Tell him that you want a separation and you want him to move out. He needs to make a choice. Either he is 100% in trying to save the marriage or he is out. If he is in he must come clean about what he has been going. No minimizing, blaming you or omitting pertinent details.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


HE is the one that broke the family by cheating -- NOT you. He is manipulating you and gaslighting you to MAKE you feel like this is all on you -- it is not. HE is the issue. HE is the problem.
See a lawyer to figure out what your financials, child support/custody, etc. would look like. Doesn't mean you have to file, but at least it will give you more information to take away that fear of the unknown.
Is your friend also married/in a relationship? Contact HER partner to let them know what she is doing with your husband...


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> She will be teaching them what marriage looks like. In hers, she gets cheated on & disrespected. She will be teaching them than vows -- like forsaking all others -- are meaningless. She will be teaching them that daddy can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants & she just has to sit there & take it. She will be teaching her kids that being secretive rather than transparent with those you love is how one behaves.





BigDaddyNY said:


> How is her tolerating a bad husband NOT a bad lesson? She wouldn't be accepting marginal behavior, she would be accepting a man that has zero respect for his commitment to his wife or his family. The bad lesson would be that marriage and its vows really don't mean anything.


Thing is, OP's kids are 3 and 4 years old. They don't care about any of the stuff you listed. What they care about is mommy & daddy being there to play with them, to care for them, to pick them up when they fall, to have someone love them and provide for them. They don't want to be confused by mommy & daddy's new relationships which usually occur after a divorce and they certainly don't want to compete for attention and affection when those new relationships result in new half siblings. Other stuff can be taught later when they are an appropriate age.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Diceplayer said:


> Thing is, OP's kids are 3 and 4 years old. They don't care about any of the stuff you listed. What they care about is mommy & daddy being there to play with them, to care for them, to pick them up when they fall, to have someone love them and provide for them. They don't want to be confused by mommy & daddy's new relationships which usually occur after a divorce and they certainly don't want to compete for attention and affection when those new relationships result in new half siblings. Other stuff can be taught later when they are an appropriate age.


So should one parent stay in a marriage with a serial cheat?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diceplayer said:


> Thing is, OP's kids are 3 and 4 years old. They don't care about any of the stuff you listed. What they care about is mommy & daddy being there to play with them, to care for them, to pick them up when they fall, to have someone love them and provide for them. They don't want to be confused by mommy & daddy's new relationships which usually occur after a divorce and they certainly don't want to compete for attention and affection when those new relationships result in new half siblings. Other stuff can be taught later when they are an appropriate age.


Wait...are you actually saying it's better for the kids to have parents who stay together while cheating and hurting eachother?


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

xxmrshxx said:


> I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them


Well, just remember....people treat you the way YOU ALLOW them to. Why would your husband change, when you are allowing him to get away with betraying you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

xxmrshxx said:


> I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them


You have more than enough proof, you are choosing not to act on it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


I will repeat what you have already been told. You did not break your family. Your husband has broken the family. He tricked you. It know it's difficult to wrap your head around that, but that's exactly what happened. He wanted a wife and kids, so he tricked you into thinking he had changed when in fact he did not. He just went deeper underground. Now it's gotten so bad that he it's obvious. 


xxmrshxx said:


> Thank you for all of your replys. I really appreciate it. He has always been one for attention and has done things he shouldn't have in the past and I forgave him and we started a fresh and I really thought he had changed. I wouldn't have married him otherwise. I have my own car, own money and work part time due to looking after my youngest. The only thing I would lose is my house because I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own. I feel like he can tell his way out of everything. I say I dont have passwords for my phone he can go on it whenever he wants and he said well I dont want to go on your phone put a password on it I trust you...so again i am the problem for being paranoid but who cant leave the phone on charge and leave the room he HAS to take it with him. I know I'm going round in circles but I just don't know how to end this. It's so hard to accept that he really has ruined my life and what I ever wanted.


Don't be so sure that you'd lose your home. You would have to go back to work full time, but he would have to help you financially to support the children. Look into it and see what your options are.
He has ruined your current life, but he hasn't ruined your whole life. Things are hard right now, but they can get better if you make a plan and work through it to make things better for you and your children.
You don't need his passwords. You have all that you need. Your husband is treating you very badly. He has deserted your marriage, even if you don't think you have proof of a physical affair. Your husband has betrayed you by the way he treats you and by giving his attention and affection to other women. Messaging other women. Hiding his phone. These are obvious indications that he is cheating. You know he is cheating. Don't dismiss what you can see with your own eyes.
He is telling you that you're the crazy one when it is obvious that you are not crazy. What he is doing is called gaslighting. Gaslighting is when a person tries to get you to believe them over what you know to be true. To doubt yourself and believe them instead. He is purposefully trying to drive you crazy. Is that the man you want to be married to?
What job skills do you have? What kind of education do you have?


xxmrshxx said:


> I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them


Why are you believing him over yourself? You have solid proof that your husband is treating you badly and is showing you that your feelings are not important. What matters to him is that you help him maintain his lifestyle while he does whatever the hell he wants. He is using you, as if you are an appliance.
It takes two to have a good marriage and only one person to destroy it. I'm glad that you take your marriage vows seriously, but your husband does not. He has broken them. He has broken your trust. He is being mean to you and he is engaging inappropriately with other women, at the very least. You don't need proof of that.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

xxmrshxx said:


> I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them


He didn't mean his vows and you really don't seem to mean much to him. I k ow that sounds harsh, but it is reality. Stick around if you have no self worth.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you’ll stay so I’ll tell something from my experience of staying too long with a cheater — you’ll never be able to trust him and that’s a hard life to live.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It doesn’t matter if he’s cheating. What matters is he’s a rotten husband in general all the way around. Cheating? Of course! Gaslighting? Check, yes. Apathy towards his wife….. yep.

the boot he needs.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

If you choose to stay with him, you do so with your eyes wide open.

You KNOW what he is like and you know he will continue doing this.

Stay if you are OK with.

Leave if you aren't.


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> I will repeat what you have already been told. You did not break your family. Your husband has broken the family. He tricked you. It know it's difficult to wrap your head around that, but that's exactly what happened. He wanted a wife and kids, so he tricked you into thinking he had changed when in fact he did not. He just went deeper underground. Now it's gotten so bad that he it's obvious.
> 
> Don't be so sure that you'd lose your home. You would have to go back to work full time, but he would have to help you financially to support the children. Look into it and see what your options are.
> He has ruined your current life, but he hasn't ruined your whole life. Things are hard right now, but they can get better if you make a plan and work through it to make things better for you and your children.
> ...


The only qualifications I have are as a beauty therapist and to be honest that doesnt pay very well. I work in administration for the NHS I have done this for the past 9 years. 

This isn't the life I want but it's all I know as I have been with my husband since I was 18, never lived independently always with him. I do love him but as the months and years ho by I have realised he isn't the person I thought he was but then again I'm not the same person. I've gained 3 stone since my children, dont have hours to look glamorous every day but my children are my priority. I just seem to moan all of the time. Constantly tired. But I do have two young children a pup a house to clean food to cook washing to do work and everything inbetween.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left.* But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home.* I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


Cmon, you aren’t breaking anything. You are using excuses to stay which is your choice. 
We’re just friends is the biggest lie told. 
You are only a chump if you allow it. 
Children learn most from their parents. What are you teaching them?
Living the life of a martyr is a thankless task.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

xxmrshxx said:


> I did tell my friends boyfriend as we were all friends and I thought he needed to know but I made the mistake in phoning him to tell him and then me and him were accused of cheating because i made a 30 minute phone call. I haven't spoken to him since then but they are still together but I strongly believe she is still messaging my husband. Thanks for all the concerns but I haven't been sleeping with my husband because of my fears and to be honest it doesn't bother him that we arent sleeping together.... I know to some I may sound like a fool and stupid but I need solid proof as most of the time I have been made to feel insane and told I'm just depressed... so I have started to believe that myself. And again sounds stupid but I would love nothing more than for him to change and for this to work as when I said my vows I know I a million percent meant them


Good, at least you won’t catch an STD. He’s doesn’t need sex from you. His new girlfriends provide that. 
You only need proof enough for you. This isn’t a court of law where you have to have a smoking gun or concrete proof. Indecision is a cheaters best friend. 
Right now you are living on hopium. It won’t get you anything but more of what you’ve been getting.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

LisaDiane said:


> Wait...are you actually saying it's better for the kids to have parents who stay together while cheating and hurting eachother?


What I'm saying is that divorce, especially when children are involved, should be the last option. Unfortunately, here on TAM, it's usually the first option that people suggest.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Diceplayer said:


> What I'm saying is that divorce, especially when children are involved, should be the last option. Unfortunately, here on TAM, it's usually the first option that people suggest.


Well, that's because most of the problems people come on here complaining about are MAJOR issues...just like this OP.
Generally I have found that the people who believe divorce should be "the last option", have never dealt with hopeless unresolvable issues, or a partner who is emotionally cold and a user.

What other advice should you give someone with a cheating spouse who won't stop having sex with other people?

I am really asking -- what do YOU believe the OP should do, if not divorce?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

It's hard to tell since we only get one side of the story. We have no idea why her POS husband is acting this way. Are there issues at home that drives him into the arms of other women? Nobody here knows and nobody has asked OP. So it's really impossible to advise OP without knowing the rest of the story.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

xxmrshxx said:


> This isn't the life I want but it's all I know as I have been with my husband since I was 18, never lived independently always with him.


As the old saying goes, "When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave."


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> It's hard to tell since we only get one side of the story. We have no idea why her POS husband is acting this way. Are there issues at home that drives him into the arms of other women? Nobody here knows and nobody has asked OP. So it's really impossible to advise OP without knowing the rest of the story.


What could she possibly be doing that would justify her husband's cheating, lying and gaslighting? Even if she were cheating it would still be wrong. And if she is doing something so horrendous that she is driving her husband into the arms of another woman is it really an environment that is better for the kids than if the divorced?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What could she possibly be doing that would justify her husband's cheating, lying and gaslighting? Even if she were cheating it would still be wrong. And if she is doing something so horrendous that she is driving her husband into the arms of another woman is it really an environment that is better for the kids than if the divorced?


Go back and reread what I wrote. I never said his cheating was justified. Cheating is never justified, even if it's a revenge affair. What I asked was if there were issues that drove him to seek other women. If so, they might save the marriage and the family with extensive counseling. In my opinion, divorce should not be anything other than the very last option, especially when children are involved. But here, it seems that it is usually the first option that people throw out there. You all are getting all spun up because my opinion is different than yours.


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

Tbh, our lives changed quite quickly we went from care free luxury holidays him working away mon-fri to getting married, having our first child and getting a mortgage in under 2 years..and then having our second child very quickly and him having to start a new career so he was at home not working away. He liked going out at weekends, betting and wasting money and none of that he can do now because of finances being very tight. He started smoking randomly a few years ago and I am forever moaning about it because I don't like it, I don't like the children seeing it and we just can't afford it. I think he's struggled with all the changes but I think a lot of it is because he's quite selfish


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> Go back and reread what I wrote. I never said his cheating was justified. Cheating is never justified, even if it's a revenge affair. What I asked was if there were issues that drove him to seek other women. If so, they might save the marriage and the family with extensive counseling. In my opinion, divorce should not be anything other than the very last option, especially when children are involved. But here, it seems that it is usually the first option that people throw out there. You all are getting all spun up because my opinion is different than yours.


Not spun up, just trying to understand where you are coming from, because is doesn't seem logical at all. You are free to express you opinion, but you need to be prepared to defend it.

What I got from your posts is...
Cheating is not egregious enough to warrant divorce if you have kids.
Tolerating a bad spouse shows your kids that you love them and is a good example.
There could be something the BS did that made their WS cheat on them.

IMO that is all utter nonsense. Cheating breaks the marriage, period. Even if it doesn't end in divorce the marriage has been broken. Tolerating broken promises and disrespect for marriage and family is not a good lesson to teach kids. It would be a much more valuable life lesson to let them see that ALL actions have consequences and can impact many people. Lastly, cheating is NEVER the fault of the BS. She could have been a total ***** and it doesn't make it her fault. He chose his own actions.

In this specific case the guy has been cheating on his wife for more than 2 years and continues to do so, with her best friend no less. During their 10 years of dating there were other issues that she overlooked/forgave/rug swept. He is gaslighting her and even accused her of cheating. There isn't anything here to save. Yes, there may be times where reconciliation is possible, but that doesn't mean all cases. This isn't one of them IMO.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

xxmrshxx said:


> Tbh, our lives changed quite quickly we went from care free luxury holidays him working away mon-fri to getting married, having our first child and getting a mortgage in under 2 years..and then having our second child very quickly and him having to start a new career so he was at home not working away. He liked going out at weekends, betting and wasting money and none of that he can do now because of finances being very tight. He started smoking randomly a few years ago and I am forever moaning about it because I don't like it, I don't like the children seeing it and we just can't afford it. I think he's struggled with all the changes but I think a lot of it is because he's quite selfish


You are still making excuses for his bad behavior, why?


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are still making excuses for his bad behavior, why?


I honestly don't know  all I know is that if I even looked at another guy he would leave me. I just don't understand how somebody can treat somebody this way when I haven't or never would do these things! Why doesn't he just leave me?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

xxmrshxx said:


> I honestly don't know  all I know is that if I even looked at another guy he would leave me. I just don't understand how somebody can treat somebody this way when I haven't or never would do these things! Why doesn't he just leave me?


My guess is because he thinks you won't ever leave. He knows he can get away with whatever bad behavior he wants and you won't dump him. As you said, he is selfish. He wants you all for himself to play mommy for the kids, take care of the house and him, and maybe give him some sexual relief while he goes about doing his own thing. He's living the life!


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## xxmrshxx (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> My guess is because he thinks you won't ever leave. He knows he can get away with whatever bad behavior he wants and you won't dump him. As you said, he is selfish. He wants you all for himself to play mommy for the kids, take care of the house and him, and maybe give him some sexual relief while he goes about doing his own thing. He's living the life!


Even if he stopped doing what he's doing I won't ever get over what he's done its unforgivable he has broke his promises he made when we got married. It was all a lie and to me marriage is a big thing and I will never trust anyone's word again because of him. I just need that bit of strength to leave him for good. The most heartbreaking thing for me at this point is my children, I never imagined I would have to do this to them. That isn't the life I promised them. In the past when I've kicked him out they've been heartbroken that he isn't at home for tea or story time. I was the bad person


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

xxmrshxx said:


> Even if he stopped doing what he's doing I won't ever get over what he's done its unforgivable he has broke his promises he made when we got married. It was all a lie and to me marriage is a big thing and I will never trust anyone's word again because of him. I just need that bit of strength to leave him for good. The most heartbreaking thing for me at this point is my children, I never imagined I would have to do this to them. That isn't the life I promised them. In the past when I've kicked him out they've been heartbroken that he isn't at home for tea or story time. I was the bad person


Adults have to make the tough decisions, they will eventually understand and respect that. Again, you aren't doing this to them, he did this to them.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Diceplayer said:


> In my opinion, divorce should not be anything other than the very last option, especially when children are involved.


I'll just add my thoughts as a child raised by parents who had a rocky marriage ... I wish the hell they HAD divorced. I picked up on the tension. I also realized that they didn't have a happy or satisfying marriage. And I came to that conclusion by the time I was 6. Children are very intuitive. So stay in your marriage if that's what you feel works for you. But as a child who lived through it, I can assure you that your children will pick up on the negative vibes. And it won't have a particularly positive result. JMO


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'll just add my thoughts as a child raised by parents who had a rocky marriage ... I wish the hell they HAD divorced. I picked up on the tension. I also realized that they didn't have a happy or satisfying marriage. And I came to that conclusion by the time I was 6. Children are very intuitive. So stay in your marriage if that's what you feel works for you. But as a child who lived through it, I can assure you that your children will pick up on the negative vibes. And it won't have a particularly positive result. JMO


Agree with this. Divorce was the best thing my parents did when I was 11. My mum was abusive to my dad and had many affairs.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I'll just add my thoughts as a child raised by parents who had a rocky marriage ... I wish the hell they HAD divorced. I picked up on the tension. I also realized that they didn't have a happy or satisfying marriage. And I came to that conclusion by the time I was 6. Children are very intuitive. So stay in your marriage if that's what you feel works for you. But as a child who lived through it, I can assure you that your children will pick up on the negative vibes. And it won't have a particularly positive result. JMO


I lived that as well. And, since it was what I knew, I ended up with someone very much like my father and then my child went through the same thing that I had gone through as a child. Bad results for both.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

xxmrshxx said:


> The only qualifications I have are as a beauty therapist and to be honest that doesnt pay very well. I work in administration for the NHS I have done this for the past 9 years.
> 
> This isn't the life I want but it's all I know as I have been with my husband since I was 18, never lived independently always with him. I do love him but as the months and years ho by I have realised he isn't the person I thought he was but then again I'm not the same person. I've gained 3 stone since my children, dont have hours to look glamorous every day but my children are my priority. I just seem to moan all of the time. Constantly tired. But I do have two young children a pup a house to clean food to cook washing to do work and everything inbetween.


He sounds like an abuser, emotional and mental at least. Living with the constant abuse, you will not take care of your health and yourself. He could be a narcissist. Time to get our from under his control. This is damaging your children too, although you may think it is not. Go see the lawyer and see what your rights are. You can also go to the Citizens Advice Bureau for advice on what to do.


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## Personal Situation (7 mo ago)

xxmrshxx said:


> If I didn't marry him and have children with him I would have left. But I guess i feel if i leave him then it's me that's broke our family home. I just feel broken I have completely lost who I am because of what he has put me through over the last few years.


Sadly I understand & have also been going through a similar situation for decades..it doesn’t get better. They just get better at hiding it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he frequents strip clubs, has dating apps , or an addiction 
I’m sorry you are going through this


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