# Why Must it be Lies all the Time??!!!



## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

I'm sorry to monopolize the board with yet another thread, but I need advice on my H constantly lying...
He lies on purpose, he lies by omission, and he's very much into lying like Bill Clinton (i.e. the whole "what is sex" thing"). 
I really truly can not take anymore--it feels like he's trying to drive me insane--and it's working. 
He's supposedly been wanting to work on our marriage and make things better...ok, fine, I'll go along with that... 
But last night, he starts a whole big discussion which revealed multiple lies on his part. To start with he revealed his sister just had a hysterectomy sometime last week and he's just now getting around to telling me! He couldn't have said anything last week so I could have sent flowers(which he still hasn't done)...it just makes me look like a huge ass, but then he always does that to me. To make that all worse, him and the boys went to see her sometime last week too, never said a word to me, and now I'm just finding out... Do you have any idea how hurt I am??? It's always secrets between him and the boys, and I'm excluded and made to feel like an outsider in my own home. H had the excuse that he was "tired" from working his night-shift job and didn't know what day it was so he 'forgot' to tell me--huh???wth?? 

But it's always like this with the secrets--like him sneaking off last week too that one night and not coming home til 1:30 a.m. The truth came out on that in that he was drinking at this guy's house where they'd invited our son to swim... It was a 45 minute drive out there, and H got invited to stay for a beer--which didn't actually end til 1 a.m. and him getting home around 1:30....None of which he "remembers" now because he's been "so tired"...He thought he was home by 10:30pm. More lies... And the thing is, I wasn't mad he was gone, and not even mad he went for beers w/o me--but I *am* mad that he constantly lies about everything... And regardless of whether it's a straight up LIE, or a lie by omission, it's still a lie to me and it HURTS terribly.

The topper on last nights little "honesty session" from H, was when he said that yes there was a wedding announcement in the paper when him and the exW got married. I however, didn't get that luxury because H insisted "no one he knows" did that type of thing and "he thought it was incredibly stupid and a waste of money"! In researching H this week to see if he did in fact have a judgement against him(he'd asked me to find out if it was true or not, or if the creditor was just messing with him)...So when I go to research this 'judgement' I wind up finding their original wedding announcement. It had been put in the paper by his former MIL while they were on their way to their honeymoon destination. So I told H that I knew about the announcement and their honeymoon, I had said this is part of why I'm unhappy--I didn't get the "fun" stuff in life--the announcement, the honeymoon, an actual church wedding, etc... H says to me, yeah he can understand how that would be upsetting but we can always do this stuff as we actually get money saved up for it. Ok, fine and dandy, but as I pointed out--Why would you lie to me about the wedding announcement in the first place???!!! He specifically told me "no one" here does that...not even his rich friend whom he always uses as an example. But I told H, well "someone" *did* do it, and put *his* announcement in the paper. 
Anyays, sorry to ramble, but the point was H was actually *mad* at me because I was hurt that he'd lied to me... His whole argument was, if having a wedding announcement was so important to me, I should have just gone ahead and put it in the paper "no matter what he said..." Huh??!! What kind of marriage is that if I'm doing stuff he doesn't want to do? I told H it makes me feel like he's ashamed of our marriage and of me personally the way he's behaved. H said again that it's my problem and if I had wanted it, I could have put the announcement in the paper. I countered with the point that during the last year when I've been so unhappy, one thing he could have done to bring me some joy would have been to take it upon himself to put the announcement in the paper... He knew how much it meant to me, and if he had done that, it would have meant the world to me, but no...If I wanted it, I was supposed to do it--even though he thinks it's "stupid and a waste of money." Would that encourage you to do it??? I know it didn't encourage me...

So anyway, last night was H being honest about stuff I didn't know and telling me about all the lies he's been spinning... But all he wound up doing was hurting me *more*. He says he doesn't tell me stuff but doesn't think it's a big deal, or that he forgets to tell me... But he's also lying because I don't ask questions right--you know, like Bill Clinton weaseled out of stuff because it wasn't worded right? 

After last night, I can say I really don't care to do this anymore...I don't want reconciliation, I don't want to be with him I don't want to fight anymore. I spent my first marriage playing that Bill Clinton game--I had to ask the right question to get a half-true answer...And he would play this game on *anything* I asked...It drove me nuts. I can't spend the rest of my life playing this crazy game where I can't get a straight answer because I didn't ask the right question, or phrase it properly...
This is just nuts!!!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> I spent my first marriage playing that Bill Clinton game--I had to ask the right question to get a half-true answer...And he would play this game on *anything* I asked...It drove me nuts. I can't spend the rest of my life playing this crazy game where I can't get a straight answer because I didn't ask the right question, or phrase it properly...
> This is just nuts!!!


I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, but do you realize that you've married two liars, and the one constant in both of the marriages is you?

People who lie, manipulate, conveniently "forget," tell half-truths, and twist things around supply plenty of drama. But other than the drama and consequent pain that comes with all this, there's not much else you're getting out of these relationships, is there?

Do you intend to leave? File for divorce? Go into counseling? What is it you want to do to get yourself into a better place?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> I don't want reconciliation, I don't want to be with him I don't want to fight anymore.


So what are you going to do? What's your plan?


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I don't mean to sound harsh but this sound like a story without an ending. You need to make a decision and stick by it.

You know your situation, you know what you must do ... At this point NO ONE can fix it except for you.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

I realize that I married 2 liars... I don't like the drama they create though. I think I am just stupid...naive...whatever you want to call it. I always try to see the best in people and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I know that I am not "hard" or edgy or streetwise or anything even remotely close to that...
I realize these are lessons I'm supposed to learn and I'm trying to take something away from the experience. 

My plan is and has been to get financing arranged on the house I've been looking at, and to leave H. The problem is that H tries to suck me back into the mess despite my not wanting to engage. We've come to the point where we can't peacefully coexist so I'm trying to get my stuff in order as soon as possible.
I don't know what is to be gained by rehashing old events with H, but that seems to be what he wants to do. As much as I would like to avoid that, I couldn't help but get drawn in when he started disclosing all the "omissions" he had forgotten to tell me about. My point wasn't to create drama, but to relay to outsiders what goes on in my home and get a reality check because I feel like he's making me lose my mind.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kauaiguy said:


> You know your situation, you know what you must do ... At this point NO ONE can fix it except for you.


:iagree:

Onepotato, you can't change him, only the way you react to him. If you know that rehashing old stuff gets you nowhere, try something new.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> I realize that I married 2 liars... I don't like the drama they create though.


Yes, but you married them. You are an adult, and, NO, I don't think you are stupid, naive, or whatever other excuse you want to spin on it to make it seem like you are a victim. Hey, you're not going to like what I'm saying because I'm hitting a hot button. You don't have to be "streetwise," you just need to figure out why you chose two men with the same character flaw; a flaw, I might add, that makes you crazy. Just own what's on your side of the street. Figure out what drew you to these guys in the first place, and it won't happen again.



onepotatotwo said:


> The problem is that H tries to suck me back into the mess despite my not wanting to engage.


So don't get sucked in. Walk away. Take a drive. Go visit a friend. Don't reply. Give him a blank stare. Again, as a free-thinking adult you have the right to set a boundary and enforce it. 



onepotatotwo said:


> As much as I would like to avoid that, I couldn't help but get drawn in when he started disclosing all the "omissions" he had forgotten to tell me about. My point wasn't to create drama, but to relay to outsiders what goes on in my home and get a reality check because I feel like he's making me lose my mind.


No, even he doesn't have the power to control your reactions, make you lose your mind, or get into a scream-fest. You alone can choose to engage or disengage. What goes on in your house sucks. It sounds like you are making concrete plans to get the f*** outta there. Good. However, you might not like the type of reality we give you as feedback, which is your right.

As we say in the rooms, take what you need and leave the rest.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

How about this...I got some feedback for you..
I just checked his email and found out he quit his job Monday!!!!
After being unemployed for over a year he's quit the job he has had for probably 1 month! 
And I've got issues???


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> I realize that I married 2 liars... I don't like the drama they create though. I think I am just stupid...naive...whatever you want to call it. I always try to see the best in people and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I know that I am not "hard" or edgy or streetwise or anything even remotely close to that...
> I realize these are lessons I'm supposed to learn and I'm trying to take something away from the experience.
> 
> My plan is and has been to get financing arranged on the house I've been looking at, and to leave H. The problem is that H tries to suck me back into the mess despite my not wanting to engage. We've come to the point where we can't peacefully coexist so I'm trying to get my stuff in order as soon as possible.
> I don't know what is to be gained by rehashing old events with H, but that seems to be what he wants to do. As much as I would like to avoid that, I couldn't help but get drawn in when he started disclosing all the "omissions" he had forgotten to tell me about. My point wasn't to create drama, but to relay to outsiders what goes on in my home and get a reality check because I feel like he's making me lose my mind.


I hope the financing works out and you can seperate yourself from the drama that surrounds his life. 

It often seems like guys like him are attracted to people who tend to see the best of others. My best friend in college was like this. Every relationship proved to be such a letdown, but he didn't even see that he was being used, in a sense, until the end. The ones attracted to a person like this craves the validation, and when you finally see that the good isn't there, it is painful. In the end, I think you almost have to boil it down to a list of the things a potential partner has accomplished in his past through his relationships.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> How about this...I got some feedback for you..
> I just checked his email and found out he quit his job Monday!!!!
> After being unemployed for over a year he's quit the job he has had for probably 1 month!
> And I've got issues???


So he never even told you he quit? Did you confront him about it? What'd he say to you?



Halien said:


> It often seems like guys like him are attracted to people who tend to see the best of others.
> 
> The ones attracted to a person like this craves the validation, and when you finally see that the good isn't there, it is painful.


I agree. I also think Onepotato had a lot of red flags that she clearly ignored or didn't act on (like feeling like he was still into his ex and feeling weird about the entire thing.) you have to learn how to pay attention to those things, One, and you should also get into counselling to see why you are attracted to this kind of man (liars/manipulators).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

onepotatotwo said:


> How about this...I got some feedback for you..
> I just checked his email and found out he quit his job Monday!!!!
> After being unemployed for over a year he's quit the job he has had for probably 1 month!
> And I've got issues???


And I've got some feedback for you. You have issues. I mean, did you expect someone who sounds like a pathological liar to have other upstanding characteristics? He quit his job. His job. His choice.

Now it's your choice as to how you get him out of your life. Call an attorney, see if you can throw this guy out of the house. If you can (and there is a possibility you can), get him out and work on doing what you need to do in order to move on.

He lies and now he doesn't work. Call an attorney. Today.


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

Prodigal, instead of hurling insults and being belittling, you might want to offer a supportive ear...isn't that what this board is about?

I have issues...I supported a man who wouldn't work for over a year...I took care of kids who aren't my own while their own mother was on vacation after vacation...
What I don't need is some know-it-all up on a soapbox, telling me what's wrong with me.... Afterall, *you're* on here, so obviously something isn't working right in your own life!

No, he did *not* tell me he had quit his job...I found out because in light of the lies from the other day, I logged into his email and found the note he shot off to his hr supervisor... No call, no show, just didn't go to work (while telling me he was sick), and had sent an email to HR about losing his phone and having a family emergency. 

Apparently this board isn't about getting support and understanding, it's about people grandstanding and making themselves feel superior, Prodigal. 
In the future, you can keep your snide comments to yourself...I've got enough to deal with without you trying to make me feel small.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

This board does give supporting ears and to some extent a place where you can get sympathy. It's also there for those that have experienced the same problems that people are having and to give their OPINION as to how they would handle each situation.

There are also those that come to this site looking for anyone to AGREE with their way of thinking even though it's flawed and most would disagree with them. And they get rather angry when someone contradicts them.

A case in point is that person who was having an affair (though he said it wasn't sexual in nature) with someone and thought that it wasn't cheating.

In his case, he was trying to JUSTIFY his actions and wanted people here to agree with him.

I am all (as others are) for giving sympathy where warranted. However it does get old after a while listing to someone complain about the same problem over and over again.

In my case, after I've stated my opinion will ignore any additional complaints for the same situation and say no more. 

Others will tend to reprimand and it's really NOT to sound superior or be on a SOAPBOX. They're just trying to help.

Haven't you listened to your mother when they went on and on about some issues they wanted you to resolve and it drove you nuts? Weren't they just trying to help?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Gee, and here I was under the impression that people had a right to voice their opinions under their First Amendment rights and hold other adults accountable for the choices they make. Block me or complain to a moderator - just as I advised you to do in a PM.

It appears other folks share my opinion. Yawn.

P.S. - Get a copy of Melodie Beattie's best-seller Codependent No More.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Gee, and here I was under the impression that people had a right to voice their opinions under their First Amendment rights and hold other adults accountable for the choices they make.


I don't think she implied that the Department of Justice would take legal action for your comment. Comments on this board are usually judged on the basis of targeted insults, which didn't appear to exist in your post, and not normal First Amendment Jurisprudence. Maybe she was questioning the appropriateness?


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## onepotatotwo (May 17, 2011)

I don't know what everyone's going on about...I called out Prodigal because if she wants to belittle people, this is not the place for it, and as I said earlier, she is obviously having her own issues or she wouldn't be here... 
I never flagged her post as inappropriate or anything...she can post whatever she wants, and I can respond in kind...I am a grown up and don't need a moderator or anyone to protect me or block her...She's free to post whatever she wants, just as I don't have to listen to her...


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## magic (Aug 11, 2011)

Wow. This is exactly the problem I am having with my wife - we are going on 20 years of marriage. No you are not crazy you are dealing with a compulsive liar. My wife consistently leaves things out and insists she is not lying. She says I am simply not asking the right questions or she challenges my memory stating she told me about some event but I must have forgotten. Other times such as your case she did'nt think it was important for me to know or be in the loop. We recently had a huge blow up where she was having the kids intercept the mail for her before I got home from work. She did this because she did not want me to know about a speeding ticket. There is no reason for her to lie - I am not abusive - I have never hit her or verbally abused her. She lies when there is no reason to lie. She admits she has a problem but does not want to do anything about it. She said she feels no guilt and does not care how this has affected me. I have started looking into alternative living arrangements. I know what you are going through and hope things change for the better.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Lying is the worst thing in a relationship.

I can handle a lot of crap-- but lying? No.

I hope you are ok.


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## TRS (Aug 11, 2011)

Onepotato, I just wanted to add some thoughts here. In reading your original post, as well as replies, it appears that you function a lot on emotion. It might be helpful to take a more logical approach to dealing with your husband.
An example of this: The issue with the wedding announcement might be hurtful, but you two probably looked at that in completely different ways. 
He said that he did not find it important, and that if you thought it was, you should put it in the paper. That sounds logical, because men think differently than woman. Your response, "I told H it makes me feel like he's ashamed of our marriage and of me personally the way he's behaved... I countered with the point that during the last year when I've been so unhappy, one thing he could have done to bring me some joy would have been to take it upon himself to put the announcement in the paper..." is very emotional. While the issue may be important to you, you have to put yourself in the other persons shoes and look at it from both sides. His view, "It is just an announcement, outdated, not a big deal." Your reaction, "He had an announcement with his last spouse. He is ashamed of me because he didn't put the announcement in the paper." He didn't take out the announcment on the first marriage, his MIL did. If I were in your husband's shoes, I would feel that you were blowing the situation out of proportion by not looking at the situation rationally.
I counsel a lot of women who find it helpful to step back and take a look at things with vision not clouded by emotion. Write down your concerns, and then go back and sort through what is your emotions reacting, and hopefully it will help you to find what is at the heart of the matter- not that he didn't put in the announcement, but that you are feeling inadequate and hurt, and would like some reassurance. You can then approach him differently, and it will be easier for him to understand where you're coming from, and help eliminate some of the drama from your discussions. Good luck!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

onepotatotwo said:


> Prodigal, instead of hurling insults and being belittling, you might want to offer a supportive ear...isn't that what this board is about?
> 
> I have issues...I supported a man who wouldn't work for over a year...I took care of kids who aren't my own while their own mother was on vacation after vacation...
> What I don't need is some know-it-all up on a soapbox, telling me what's wrong with me.... Afterall, *you're* on here, so obviously something isn't working right in your own life!
> ...



I can relate to your resentment towards prodigal here, because I've been there.

But in all honesty, Prodigal has hurled no insults at you, just cold hard truth. Hurts don't it?

My stbx is a compulsive liar and drug addict. he sought after other women constantly, quit/lost jobs, dropped out of college twice, and became verbally abusive. Not to mention controlling. 

Here's reality: your husband is a liar. You married him. He is not just going to magically change by any means and no one is shocked by his behavior. 

The only way for your situation to get better is for you to change it. I just walked away from that situation..it's not easy by any means..not at all. But the only words that sunk in and really helped me were the ones I didn't want to hear/read and many of those came from members of this board.

Right now, he doesn't stand to lose anything by his behavior, yell all you want, have all the talks you want...they don't and won't affect him. Time to move on for you dear, and time to figure out why you let yourself get into these types of marriages in the first place.


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