# What is the rationale behind telling the OW/OM's spouse about the affair?



## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

...Just trying to understand. Thanks!


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Because they deserve to know.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

There are a few reasons why I advocate telling the OMW or OWH about the affair. Some of them are:


It allows them to choose to R or D their spouse.
It'll alert them that they need to take a STD test. After all, the chances that the AP remained exclusive to the other affair partner is rare.
If you do R, it is essential that the affair is over. A person who is having their cake and eating it too doesn't have a reason to put 100% into the R. The OMW or OWH could prove to be your ally and keep an eye open for possible signs. Remember, 2 eyes are better than one.

Remember, if anyone chooses to tell the AP's spouse, to provide copies of your proof to the OMW or OWH. Deliver it in person or certify mail to prevent the chances of the AP intercepting it.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

berries said:


> Because they deserve to know.


What if they don't want to know? My sister definitely didn't want to know but she always got a call.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Writer said:


> There are a few reasons why I advocate telling the OMW or OWH about the affair. Some of them are:
> 
> 
> It allows them to choose to R or D their spouse.
> ...


1. I think it's not anyone else's decision to make whether they, the unsuspecting spouse, should have to R or D (wow, all these abbreviations are new to me, still trying to figure them out). What you may feel and want, someone else may not feel or want.
2. This is valid to me.
3. A threat of telling the OW or OM's spouse may be enough to get them to cease and desist. A friend of mine received a threat and that was enough to stop her dead in her tracks.


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Your sister didn't want to know her husband was cheating on her? Not even for her own health? Maybe your sister needs some help. She is a person with feelings and deserves so much better than that. Someone should let her know that.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Affairs thrive in secrecy. 

By bringing the affair out into the open, the affair comes out of fantasy land and into reality. If the other spouse's know, the affair is hit with reality.

The land of the unicorns is not real. When other's know, it can lose some of it's luster. The other spouse should know to be able to get tested for stds, and to be able to know more about their spouse. 

If your spouse were cheating, you would want to know.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

for me

1 there should be consequencies that follow ones actions
2. the other spouse should be given the opportunity to choose for themself to deal with it or not
3.it just simply the right thing to do


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

berries said:


> Your sister didn't want to know her husband was cheating on her? Not even for her own health? Maybe your sister needs some help. She is a person with feelings and deserves so much better than that. Someone should let her know that.


She knew that her husband would never leave her and that whoever it was that he was cheating with was nobody to him. It was just sex and not love. So although, she didn't approve, she didn't care to hear about it. It changed nothing in her marriage. This was very upsetting to the OW who called to tell her.

I, on the other hand, would want to know because I like knowing the truth, but I wouldn't exactly be thanking the OW for delivering information that will ruin my life either.



harrybrown said:


> Affairs thrive in secrecy.
> 
> By bringing the affair out into the open, the affair comes out of fantasy land and into reality. If the other spouse's know, the affair is hit with reality.
> 
> ...


This I can see and agree with totally.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Daisy10 said:


> What if they don't want to know? My sister definitely didn't want to know but she always got a call.


I like how you think. Please tell us more.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

life101 said:


> I like how you think. Please tell us more.


I can't tell if that was said in sincerity or sarcasm.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Why wouldn't you tell ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If you call the OM/OW's spouse with the rationale that "They will make my spouse end the affair" then you may be sadly disappointed.

However, if the rationale is "The OM/OW's spouse has the right as an individual to be aware of what is going on and make their own decisions accordingly" then you are informing a fellow human being of the truth, and they once they are informed they are free to choose whatever they want. 

In many instances, an unknowing spouse has their health at risk from "who knows what" STD because they do not know their spouse is having sex with another person and who know where that other person has been! In your sister's instance even, she may think of it as "just sex" and that's fine--it's her marriage and her health. Thus, being aware that it's happening, she maybe takes medical precautions to avoid the transmission of STDs to herself! But if she were UN AWARE she may not take those precautions. 

The OM/OW's spouse doesn't necessarily have to do anything. For all we know or care, they may decide an open marriage is okay with them! But because they are a human being, they have the right to make an informed decision based on all the facts. I think of it like a reporter or that cop on Dragnet "Just the facts ma'am." After that, they can do with it as they please, and the truth is, some people may very well say they are okay with their spouse fooling around as long as they can keep the house, and the kids are protected from it, and everything "looks okay" from the outside.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

In my case me and my wife had mutual friends who knew about her affair but kept their mouth shut.but they didn't want to get involved and I respect their decision.


I hope they respect my decision that I want nothing to do with them anymore.

I just wished someone would have told me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

New here and devastated
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showpost.php?p=5458850


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

diwali123, I have now reported you again to a mod.

You need to leave me alone. You do not know me and you are accusing me of things that I know nothing about. I will not sit by and allow you to continue to harass me. You may get by with bullying in real life, but you are taking on the wrong chick this time.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

berries said:


> diwali123, I have now reported you again to a mod.
> 
> You need to leave me alone. You do not know me and you are accusing me of things that I know nothing about. I will not sit by and allow you to continue to harass me. You may get by with bullying in real life, but you are taking on the wrong chick this time.


Ok. Why don't you stop focusing on me and get back to your drama?


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## berries (Nov 4, 2013)

Why don't you stop following me around and posting nasty comments? Get a hobby.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

berries said:


> Why don't you stop following me around and posting nasty comments? Get a hobby.


And the mods don't know who you are so go find another site for your marks. I hear craigslist is good.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Um, Daisy10, you aren't by any chance doing research for a book that you plan on writing, are you?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Out of curiosity, why so many threads?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Rushwater said:


> Um, Daisy10, you aren't by any chance doing research for a book that you plan on writing, are you?


Or trying to sucker guys into an online relationship so you can get him to help your great aunt Mildred who met a man in Nigeria who is heir to the throne of some little country inside Nigeria who just needs to cash a check for her to pay her rent???


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Out of curiosity, why so many threads?


I'm beginning to wonder the same thing.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Rushwater said:


> Um, Daisy10, you aren't by any chance doing research for a book that you plan on writing, are you?





phillybeffandswiss said:


> Out of curiosity, why so many threads?





Rushwater said:


> I'm beginning to wonder the same thing.



I am intensely curious/inquisitive. It is a topic of interest to me and I discovered this forum today. Never seen a place with so many people who've been through the cheating experience in one place. I wanted to pick your brains. I am not shy about asking questions.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> I am intensely curious/inquisitive. It is a topic of interest to me and I discovered this forum today. Never seen a place with so many people who've been through the cheating experience in one place. I wanted to pick your brains. I am not shy about asking questions.


OK, but you still did not answer my question.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

Rushwater said:


> OK, but you still did not answer my question.


??? I did.

How did I not answer it?

Edit: Oh sorry! No, I'm not writing a book. Well, maybe in my head.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I am asking because they are natural evolutions of a discussion, meaning one maybe two threads was enough, or we already have existing threads.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I told the other spouse because I felt he deserves to know that its happening and he can then decide what he'll do with the information. As I would want to know.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> ...Just trying to understand. Thanks!


I was hoping she'd kick him in the nuts for me, since I would get arrested for assault if I did it.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

You expose for two reasons:

1) The affair is enticing because it's illicit. They exist only in secrecy. Sneaking around getting some on the side is a whole lot different than having your friends and family and coworkers know you are stepping out on your family.

2) So that both sides of the betrayal can be vigilant, share info (ideally), and watch the behavior of both affair partners. 

Again, affairs thrive in secrecy and the thrill of forbidden fruit. Once those are taken away, and a bright light is shining on their activities, most affairs die a quick death.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Daisy10 said:


> What if they don't want to know? My sister definitely didn't want to know but she always got a call.



This sounds like a punchline on Saturday Night Live.

(Let's keep it that way, if we can.)


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Daisy10 said:


> She knew that her husband would never leave her and that whoever it was that he was cheating with was nobody to him. It was just sex and not love. So although, she didn't approve, she didn't care to hear about it. It changed nothing in her marriage.


So how does your sister think he gets these women to sleep with him? Jedi mind tricks perhaps? Look, obviously he's telling them he "loves them", "cares about them", "has strong feelings for them" etc. So is she OK with that too? Cheaters lie to EVERYONE including themselves so what makes her sooooo sure that he will never leave her? Cause she's willing to put up with it? Your sister needs to wake up from her own fog and get some self respect if that's the kind of marriage she wants.


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

russell28 said:


> I was hoping she'd kick him in the nuts for me, since I would get arrested for assault if I did it.


Honesty. Lol. I like that. 



InlandTXMM said:


> You expose for two reasons:
> 
> 1) The affair is enticing because it's illicit. They exist only in secrecy. Sneaking around getting some on the side is a whole lot different than having your friends and family and coworkers know you are stepping out on your family.
> 
> ...


Yeah I'm starting to see this. 


BetrayedDad said:


> So how does your sister think he gets these women to sleep with him? Jedi mind tricks perhaps? Look, obviously he's telling them he "loves them", "cares about them", "has strong feelings for them" etc. So is she OK with that too? Cheaters lie to EVERYONE including themselves so what makes her sooooo sure that he will never leave her? Cause she's willing to put up with it? Your sister needs to wake up from her own fog and get some self respect if that's the kind of marriage she wants.


I don't know, she probably knew he was lying to them but she didn't care because she believed it was her he really loved and OW was just sex. That is what he told her too.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

In regards to telling the OM/OW, I agree with all the previous reasons as to why. Not the least of them, is that the AP gets a deserved consequence.

But if one of the reasons is getting some intrinsic satisfaction out of telling them, you may be sorely disappointed; because the OM/OW may very will not react like you expect. There are a myriad of alternative reactions possible; denial, anger at you, apathy, burying their head in the sand, or no reaction at all.

While I and others may have disdain for any BS who reacts like this after being told, that's the reality. There are a lot of weak minded BS's out there. Many that are co-dependent, insecure, or psychologically disturbed. Some are just plain stupid.

I know because I've experience it.

That said, I still believe it is immoral not to give them the information. One shouldn't assume how they will react because it's impossible to predict. Just deliver the information, play it "matter of factly"; then let it go. You will have done the right thing.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

badmemory said:


> In regards to telling the OM/OW, I agree with all the previous reasons as to why. Not the least of them, is that the AP gets a deserved consequence.
> 
> But if one of the reasons is getting some intrinsic satisfaction out of telling them, you may be sorely disappointed; because the OM/OW may very will not react like you expect. There are a myriad of alternative reactions possible; denial, anger at you, apathy, burying their head in the sand, or no reaction at all.
> 
> ...



When I told the OMW in my situation she must of thanked me at least 10 times in person and through email. She wanted to know and was glad I had the courage to knock on her door. Sure there are some weak minded BS's like Daisy's sister that are perfectly content with sticking their head in the sand but I think the majority of people would shake your hand and say thank you. Most people don't want to be played for a fool. Me and OMW sure as hell didn't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Daisy10 said:


> I don't know, she probably knew he was lying to them but she didn't care because she believed it was her he really loved and OW was just sex. That is what he told her too.


Your sister either has such an incredibly high self esteem that she knows he'll never find anyone as good as her, or she has such a low self esteem that she's willing to endure shame and self-blame just to keep him from leaving because she doesn't think anyone else would ever have her.


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